2016 Presidential Election

The **United States presidential election of 2016**, also referred to as the **apocalypse**, the **rapture**, **armageddon**, and **the beginning of the end**, occurred on Tuesday, November 8, 2016. The two most popular candidates were Donald Trump, a talking orange the Republican candidate, and Hillary Clinton, ~~another Republican~~ the Democratic candidate. Several other people ran as well (for some reason).

Trump ended up defeating Clinton despite losing the popular vote by kind of a lot. Historians generally agree that this election was the pinnacle moment that eventually lead up to the second American Civil War.

## Background

   The 2016 election was the 58th presidential election in United States history. It was also the last. Many have said that this election was the craziest in history. They would be right. Hillary and Trump were two of the most unpopular candidates ever. No one really likes them. They're losers. They probably weren't even cool in middle school. The majority of people who voted just ended up voting for the person they disliked the least. Ultimately, it can be said that the 2016 election "totally sucked".

## The Candidates

### **Donald Trump**

Donald Trump is a world-famous business mogul who once hosted a reality T.V. show. He entered the race in June of 2015 as a joke but then people started to take him seriously. Somehow he beat out all of the other more mainstream candidates and won the nomination. Trump hates the media even though they pretty much secured the nomination for him. He plans on turning the White House into a five-star hotel and making tons of money from it. Some of his groundbreaking policy ideas include building a replica of the Berlin Wall between Mexico and the United States. His running mate is Mike Pence, the governor of Indiana, who looks like Vladimir Putin's long lost brother. Pence was picked over Trump's second choice for VP, Bret Michaels.

### **Hillary Clinton**

    Hillary Clinton served as Secretary of State from 2009 to 2013, and as a senator for New York from 2001 to 2009. She was also First Lady of the United States from 1993 to 2001. She voted for the Iraq War, but now she's against it so it's cool. She also voted for the Patriot Act in 2001 because she is, in fact, patriotic. She used to strongly oppose gay marriage until she had a change of heart right around the time it stopped being cool to oppose gay marriage, which is a total coincidence. Her running m8 is Tim Kaine, a senator from Virginia. He is the son of Bob Crutch and Mary Wheelchair. Hillary was the first woman to be nominated for president from the two major parties, so that's kinda neat. She almost was nominated in 2008 until Obama ruined everything.

### **Gary Johnson**

Gary Johnson was the Libertarian Party's nominee for president. He served as the Governor of New Mexico from 1995 to 2003. He isn't too concerned about any of today's issues since the earth will eventually be engulfed by the sun. He also has never heard of "a leppo" and is unaware of the existence of any foreign leaders. He wants to legalize marijuana because he ~~is a pothead~~ believes in small government. His running mate is William Weld who is 20 times smarter than Gary (which isn't saying much). Many people voted for Johnson because they couldn't choose between Hillary and The Donald. Many liberals ended up blaming him for Hillary's loss (because clearly, there was nothing wrong with Hillary as a candidate).

### **Jill Stein**

Jill Stein is an American physician and activist who was the Green Party's nominee for POTUS in 2016. Despite her lackluster competition, she completely failed to make a name for herself and the highest she reached in the polls was -12%. She misses Harambe very dearly. She also hates GMOs. It is very likely that Jill Stein is a Vegan. Her running mate was Ajuma Baraka, some guy who has a nice-looking goatee. She thinks that we should transition to renewable energy, which is probably a good idea. Some liberals considered voting for her over Hillary since they viewed her as the true progressive candidate. She was very popular among hipsters and people who actually were aware of the Green Party's existence.

## Results

    Donald Trump soundly beat Hillary Clinton in the electoral vote by a margin of 306-232. However, Clinton gained over 2 million more popular votes. This lead to another debate over the legitimacy of the electoral college, similar to the 2000 election. A recount effort for several key swing-states, lead by Jill Stein, was conducted due to the fact that the election was clearly rigged (except for when Donald Trump says it's rigged).

## Post-Election Protests

    After it became apparent that Trump had won, many ~~fascist anarchists~~ Hillary supporters got hella pissed and took to the streets. While most of the protesters were peaceful, some of them forgot to take their meds and started doing some violent stuff. Many strongly criticized the protests, claiming that they were pointless and would essentially accomplish nothing. Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke stated that "(the protesting) is of no concern. Soon the Rebellion will be crushed and young Skywalker will be one of us".