recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Paula's Halloween Spooktacular (Summary)

Introduced by Organist and House Band Kevin Kalso, Paula and Adam celebrate Halloween by interviewing pumpkin vendor Lily Cabrara, and reviewing the original 'Halloween' to determine whether or not listeners should watch the sequel.

## 'Paula's Halloween Spooktacular'

### Air date

October 2018

* Paula and Adam read listener mail, and, for complicated reasons, Paula makes a balloon animal of a twenty-two-year-old trick-or-treating stark naked at Adam Felber's house.
* Subsequently, Paula and Adam interview Pumpkin-Expert Lily Cabrara on the topic of pumpkins. Paula, having revealed she may have unintentionally murdered her neighbors by way of a rotten pumpkin pie, Paula summarizes her advice as follows:

> *"If you're paying seventy dollars for an eighty pound pumpkin, (which is what I did), you're getting ripped off! The little pumpkins that dip in at the stem are called 'Cinderellas. The ones that look like a butt are called 'twinsies,' because 'butt pumpkins' aren't great marketing at a family patch. If you're selling pumpkins, you can jettison into Christmas Trees, and kick back until October. If you don't carve your pumpkin, it'll last until Thanksgiving. If you* do *carve it and it gets full of fruitflies, maybe substitute the 'pumpkin' ingredient in the pumpkin pie!"*
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* Subsequently, Paula and Adam review the original 'Halloween' film in order to decide whether their listeners should watch the sequel. Paula recommends listeners watch 'It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown' instead. Adam suggests Paula's hyper focus on the lead actor's tights may be partly responsible for her negative opinion of the movie.
Vocabulary Song

Beginning in the early days of the Podcast; The Vocabulary Song is to date the longest running segment of Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone. It was created by Paula Poundstone in order to better remember various vocabulary words, and consists of Paula singing the definitions of various words while playing a melody on her Glockenspiel. The actual effectiveness of the vocabulary song has been repeatedly brought into question by Adam Felber, who claims the fact that Paula changes the song on a weekly basis defeats the purpose of using it as a mnemonic device.

* When Paula first added the word "Gallimaufry" to the Vocabulary Song, (around its fifth appearance), she pronounced it incorrectly for several episodes before Nobody Jim Hauder corrected her. The word is now featured in every Vocabulary Song, (along with this context), regardless of the word of the week.
* While Adam initially claims Paula's Vocabulary Song is not replicable, the song does become more formulaic in later episodes of the podcast, leading Adam to rescind his statement. Despite this, Paula still concludes each Vocabulary Song by claiming Adam does not think her song is replicable.
* Around Episode #180; Paula begins to use the Vocabulary Song as a contest for Toni Anita Hull. Following each Vocabulary Song, Paula asks Toni Anita Hull to correctly identify a situation that could be described by a previous Vocabulary word; in order to win dollars' worth of advertising for various bookstores. Following Toni's initial win streak, Paula begins to make the questions more challenging.
Adam Felber

Paula Poundstone's more rational and erudite cohost, Adam Felber serves as a saner foil to the podcast's deranged and lengthy digressions, though his ability to keep the show on topic is questionable at best. As of today, Adam Felber has appeared on every show.

## Appearances

### Debut

Episode #1

* Adam Felber has taken part in every episode of *Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone* but inexplicably becomes aggravated whenever his omnipresence is brought up by Paula or listeners of the show. Adam insists that he has greater importance to the podcast than simply being present, though it's not entirely clear what this importance might be.
* One such theory suggests that Adam is crucial to providing the opening dialogue of each episode. However, as is said, dialogue is written by Ken Lazebnik and is dependent upon Adam's presence in order to be delivered. This is a weak argument at best.
* Adam regularly advocates for his various books, including *Schrödinger's Ball,* which is a moderately interesting story involving the deceased Austrian physicist of the same name.
* Adam is canonically known to be bald, though he briefly attempted to grow hair during the Covid-19 pandemic, a futile effort that was not appreciated by his fellow cast members.
* In Episode 12, Adam mentions that he is part of a dad-based garage band, referred to as the Grateful Dads. At one point, they produced an exceptionally bad entry for the *Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone* theme song contest and were later the subject of Adam Felber's new podcast *Dad Band Land*, which he frequently plugs in later episodes of the show.
* Adam has an ongoing relationship with several of the show's frequent callers, including his best friend Mike "Boom Boom" Bonafit, and his apparent romantic interest, Winnie Rose Fineman.
Escape from 2018! (Summary)

Introduced by Clarinetist and House Band Horhay Raiz; Paula and Adam celebrate the end of 2018 by rambling on for a solid hour about several unrelated topics with no clear overarching point.

## 'Escape from 2018!'

### Air date

December 2018

* Adam and Paula begin the episode by contemplating the difference between canine and human feces; and trying to determine whom, at one point, threw a plastic bottle at Adam Felber. They conclude this may either sum up the year 2018; or simply say a something about Miranda Street.
* Paula goes on to concisely introduce the podcast by criticizing the interviewing skills of MSNBC host Chris Mathews, (which inexplicably aggravates Adam Felber), the existence of an airport store that sells exclusively napkins, the sex lives of Hippopotami the various mistakes of Paula Poundstone's mother; the rise of and potential cloning of lesbian rhinoceros, Russian Propaganda, whether Paula could give birth to a rhinoceros, and whether or not Paula is actually capable of making a Balloon Animals. (Which Adam continues to confusingly contest.)
* Ken Lazebnich provides the cast with an extremely depressing list of events that occurred in 2018 in order to gauge their reactions. Paula and Adam speculate on the state of Ken's mental health.
* After an extremely bad segway, Paula and Adam take the remaining 50 minutes of the episode to decide, based on the movie 'Unbreakable,' that Nobodies should not watch the recently released sequel. ('Glass.')
In the House- Music & Mold! (Summary)

Introduced by harmonica player and House Band Justin Brecobian, Paula and Adam interview Rap Expert Dr.Ron McCurdy, and Angela Valdez.

## 'In the House- Music & Mold!'

### Air date

August 2018

* In preparation for the Episode, Paula Poundstone has apparently traveled to a specific BJ's in Denver Massachusetts, where she thoroughly searched the Ring Ding section of the store for their missing survivalist from Episode #4, traveling, (according to Adam Felber), over 25,000 miles in order to do so. Adam criticizes Paula for not searching said store more thoroughly, and argues that looking through a single section of the store may not have been adequate. This incident establishes the basic premise of what will eventually become the infamous search for Thomas Coine.
* Adam relates a traumatic experience in which he discovered an exploded Iguana in a refrigerator. The relevance of this unwarranted digression is unclear.
* Adam Felber himself offers a sub-par submission to Paula Poundstone's Theme Song Contest, in a clear and deplorable demonstration of nepotism on the part of Mr. Felber.
* Paula Poundstone reveals the origins of what will later become her burgeoning Glockenspiel career. While interviewing Dr.McCurdy, she mentions the lack of Glockenspiels in her gradeschool music class, which apparently increased her desire to play the Glock.
* Paula and Adam interview expert guest Dr.Ron McCurdy on the subject of Rap music. Paula summarizes Dr.McCurdy's advice as follows:

> *"If I go to a party and I want to feel cool, I mention Chance the Rapper, and I won't seem the fool! Kendrick Lamar won a pulitzer prize, Big-Bank-Hank made pizza pies! The beats are first, and the lyrics are second, rhyming isn't important anymore."*
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* Subsequently, Paula and Adam interview mold expert Angela Valdez, whose mold themed advice Paula summarizes as follows:

> *"If I could make a pamphlet of what I learned from Angela, it would say something like this: 'Mildew is the plush toy of the mold world. Bleach doesn't kill mold, it bleaches it, and it continues to grow! Mold thrives in wet environments; call a professional for a proper assessment. But, if your landlord's relatives go in your crawlspace and don't come out after a while, you should go check on them: they could lose their lungs, and even cat pee won't help!'"*
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Ray Horseman Studios

A studio in Northern Hollywood, used by the cast of 'Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone' in the first year or so of episodes. Ray Horseman Studio is noted by Paula Poundstone to be phenomenally difficult to find. The Studio is located on Miranda Street, the legendarily disaster ridden section of Hollywood inhabited by Poundstone during the early days of her podcast.
Infested! (Summary)

Introduced by cellist and House Band Hope Easton, Paula and Adam go over some new theme song entries, interview Expert Guest Gina Pingatora, and introduce a new segment, 'Infestation of the Week.'

## 'Infested!'

### Air date

August 2018

* Paula suggests that Theme Song entries that include the phrase 'Genius' or 'Life Changing' may be more likely to win the Theme Song Contest. Subsequent entries in the Theme Song Contest overwhelmingly follow Paula's advice.
* Unrelated to the events of the episode, (But nonetheless discussed at length by the cast), is a supposedly distracting free outdoor hair-cutting event taking place on Miranda Street, at which Ken Lazebnich apparently received a haircut. Paula questions Adam Felber's knowledge of any matters hair-related.
* In this episode, Paula Poundstone reveals the existence of her famous, remarkably soft Tripoly Blend T-Shirts, which come in both a Baseball and standard style. She brings up the topic in order to ask this week's Expert Guest for advertising advice.
* This episode also sees the coining of another famous Poundstone aphorism: "Never send your kid to an orthodontist who's paying for *his* kid to go to college, or putting on a deck!" The wisdom of this saying has been the topic of intense philosophical debate among the Nobody community.
* Paula and Adam interview applied Psychologist Dr.Gina Pingatora, whose advice Paula summarizes as follows:

> *"Sex sells! Unless you don't like sex. The color Red makes you hungry, and the color white scares the hell of you if someone shook a can of rocks at you when you saw white things when you were little. Baby Albert spent his entire adult life running from marshmallows! Nothing, and I mean* nothing, *makes you smarter, more popular, more successful, or sexier than my unique Paula Poundstone T-Shirts, with a self-portrait on the Left Breast, and a memorable quote on the back. Plus, they're FREE! (If you give me thirty bucks!)"*
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* Subsequently, Paula summarizes Jordan Leech's pest advice as follows:

> *"Big flies might come in seeking air conditioning. They live longer than 24 hours, whatever your manager says! Flies hate pennies, and tend to round up! Rats fill up on one ounce of food per day, and you can put grease on your fruit tree trunk and create a rat slip and slide. You need a* license *to do pest control, so Adam Felber is on his way to the Big House!"*
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Synthia Crier

A Public Relations Agent hired by Paula Poundstone to help her promote her show, while Synthia never appears on air, she apparently has a great influence on Paula's marketing decisions over the course of later episodes. While other members of the cast often seem skeptical of Synthia's methods, Paula has followed every one of her recommendations to the best of her ability.

## Appearances

### Debut

Episode #192

* Synthia Crier is responsible for several of Paula's most helpful marketing strategies, including, (but not limited to), advising Paula to appeal to her listeners with expert testimonials, calls to action, misleading advertising claims, and the like.
* She is particularly known for coining Paula's catchphrase, "Make Ha-Ha your habit!" Which Paula persists in using on every episode, despite the skepticism of her fellow cast members. For said catchphrase, Synthia apparently received a substantial raise.
* According to Paula, Synthia charges about $5,000 a week for her services, which Mrs.Poundstone deems to be well worth the cost.
* On episode #212; Paula is revealed to have fired Synthia Crier on the grounds of maintaining her moral integrity. Also on the grounds that she was apparently very expensive.
Kelk Ronshasa

**Kelk Ronshasa** is the leader of the Ronshasa and a maester of Yevon in Ozuma. Kelk is the Minister of Civil Affairs within Yevon, which is in charge of the judiciary, treasury and general civil administration.

## Profile

### Appearance

Kelk is a tall elderly Ronshasa with white hair and beard. His horn is almost black. He is the only Ronshasa regularly witnessed wearing Yevonite attire rather than typical tribal outfits of leather armor. He wears an orange Yevon attire with the elaborate front with the symbol of Yevon in the center that maesters wear.

### Personality

Kelk is formal and mature. He has human-like speech and sophisticated mannerism, quite unlike the broken English spoken by most other Ronshasa. He believes that Grand Maester Iyo Micha's wisdom is invaluable to the people of Ozuma.

## Story

Both Viscal, the leader of the Waddo, and Kelk, leader of the Ronshasa, became maesters of Yevon as part of Grand Maester Iyo Micha's "sub-races appeasement policy". Kelk is in charge of administering Ozuma's judicial system.
Cats of the Week

Beginning with Episode #3, Paula and Adam have selected a random cat each week on which to bestow the fabled honor of 'Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone Cat of the Week.' It is unclear how, exactly, these cats are selected, or what reward there exists for this honor besides the universal fame associated with appearing on Paula's podcast. The Cats of the week, (alongside their episodes of appearance, and respective locations), are as follows:

**Episode #3 ~** *Shamwow*, from Santa Monica, California

**Episode #5 ~** *Hearty,* from Santa Monica, California

**Episode #7 ~** *Moonbeam,* from Valley Village California

**Episode #8 ~** *Moomoo,* from Waldaborough, Maine

**Episode #9 ~** *Kahlougha*, from Alahambra, Spain

**Episode #10 ~** *Meryl Streep,* from Madison, Wisconsin

**Episode #11 ~** *Madame Meow,* from Santorini, Guam

**Episode #12 ~** *Hobbes,* from Salem, Ohio

**Episode #13 ~** *Butters,* from Utica, New York

**Episode #14 ~** *Dexter,* from Austin Texas

**Episode #15 ~** *Noodle*, from Cold Spring, Kentucky

**Episode #16 ~** *Kizmit*, from Fairfax, Virginia

**Episode #17 ~** *Pige*, from Frederick, Maryland

**Episode #18 ~** *Elihoo,* from Frankenmouth, Michigan

**Episode #19 ~** *Beans,* from Ensieno, California

**Episode #20 ~** *Tobias,* from Little Shoot, Wisconsin

**Episode #21 ~** *Pen,* from Mason City, Iowa

**Episode #22 ~** *Callie,* from Jasper, Alabama

**Episode #23 ~** *Hugo,* from San Mateo, California

**Episode #24 ~** *Chichi,* from Benton, Arkansaw

**Episode #26 ~** *Magwai,* from Portland, Oregon
Battling Shyness. And Monsters (Summary)

Introduced by saxaphone player and House Band Horhay Raiz, Paula and Adam resolve to make a shorter, vacation show without an Expert Guest. Predictably, the episode still winds up being as long as the previous and subsequent episodes.

## 'Battling Shyness. And Monsters'

### Air date

October 2018

* The Cast returns to their segment of 'Reviewing movies So You don't Have to See the Sequel,' by revealing the original prototype of the segment, in which Paula and Adam review the original 'Pacific Rim,' in order to prepare their listeners for 'Pacific Rim: Uprising.' Much like their previous movie reviews up until this point, Paula does not advise watching the sequel, or the original film.
* Subsequently, the cast reveals an early iteration of their famous 'Mailbag' segment, then titled 'Paula's Answers to Listener Questions,' in which Paula gives dubious advice to listeners. They also establish the principle of ruthlessly insulting their listeners in said segment.
Bonnie Burns

Also known as the notorious Captain Crinkle, Paula Poundstone's alleged manager is primarily known for making numerous disruptive noises during the course of the podcast and, later, for composing and/or plagiarizing extremely poorly written theme songs for various segments of the show.

## Appearances

### Debut

Episode #2

Bonnie Burns first appears in the second episode of the podcast, in which Paula goes on a lengthy passive-aggressive tirade clearly directed at her and her inability to carry out a conversation without multitasking. In later episodes, Paula and Adam make the mistake of allowing Bonnie Burns to have a speaking role on the podcast, which quickly descends into a consistently maddening series of rambling appearances.

* Bonnie Burns was initially not intended to have a speaking role for reasons that should be clear well before her debut. Beginning in Episode #2, Paula Poundstone and Adam Felber regularly become agitated by her noisemaking.
* The beginning of Bonnie Burns' speaking role in the show may be at least partly responsible for "the Poundstone effect," a phenomenon by which the duration of *Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone* episodes has dramatically increased over the course of the past four years. Her first speaking part occurs in Episode #4, in which Paula asks Bonnie for advice on surviving bear attacks in the absence of wilderness survival expert Thomas Coyne.
* In Episode #26, Paula reveals that Bonnie Burns owns horses but is not particularly good at keeping them alive.
* Starting around Episode #120, Paula begins suggesting that Bonnie's numerous issues may be partly the result of her therapist, Scoopy the Clown. It is unclear whether or not Scoopy is a licensed therapist.
* Among her many important contributions to the show, Bonnie Burns writes and sings a variety of theme songs for several of the podcast's segments, her most notable being for the Bookie Bookie Book Club. Notably, the song is not entirely original, owing its musical score to that of Stephen Sondheim's "Comedy Tonight," from the Broadway musical *A* *Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum*. In fact, most of Bonnie's theme songs are sung to popular tunes, whether she initially realizes it or not.
The Boss Man Cometh (Summary)

Introduced by Clarinetist and House Band Vincent Camolia, Paula and Adam interview Jessie Thorn, (their current boss), on the topic of Podcasting; and plumber Star Tomson, on the topic of plumbing.

## 'The Boss Man Cometh'

### Air date

November 2018

* Adam reveals that Urban Dictionary has defined 'Tri-Poly Blend,' (the material Paula Poundstone's remarkably soft T-Shirts are supposedly made of, as: 'A fictitious fiber blend often mentioned by Paula Poundstone during her podcast, supposedly used to craft her fine line of T-Shirts." Paula insists the definition is probably a typo, and the pair spend the better part of the episode's introduction arguing over the composition of said T-Shirts.
* Before the arrival of Jessie Thorn, Adam attempts to explain how the podcast network works, which quickly makes it clear Paula Poundstone does not understand how a podcast functions. Subsequently, while discussing the various fecal matters found on Miranda Street, Paula makes a balloon animal of a pile of dog waste.
* During their interview, Paula presents a detailed visual aid of various data she's collected regarding their show, including key demographics. (Namely, Hungarian Professors, Cats, Thomas Coine Creditors, and Adam Felber's relatives.) Their primary question seems to be how to reach more listeners, in spite of the proven fact that nobody listens to Paula Poundstone. Jessie recommends they try door to door recruiting, at which point Paula makes a balloon animal of a Burrito. Subsequently, she summarizes Jessie Thorn's advice as follows:

> *"If you want to be successful in the world of podcasting, you can make a show, and, if you're on with John Hodgman, make him do most of the work. You have to find the ways to find your fans- I'll be giving out shirts at the animal shelter. If you start your own network, get a managing director, (a.k.a Bickram), and you be the creative force: Just stop by every day at an unpredictable hour and ask, 'can't we get a show about sponges?' or, 'what about if the guests give blood on air?' or, 'Let's get the rights to a John Hodgman fragrance. We'll make a mint!'"*
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* Subsequently, Paula and Adam interview plumber Star Tomson, specifically regarding Paula's constantly malfunctioning toilet. Paula summarizes her advice as follows:

> *"There's pressure in your pipes! Particularly during finals week! Kleenex, Bamboo, and large dildos do not flush! Every quarter of the year, (which is three months), you should pour baking soda, vinegar, and boiling water down your sink. You could also put betty-crocker devil's food cake mix and eggs in your tub, but why? The best way to find out what's going on with your troubled plumbing is to put a camera down your pipe. Many directors have done some of their best work for the drain company. The reviews are in! I was on the edge of my seat! You could almost feel the pressure! The darkest film of Spielberg's career!"*
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Podcaster's Baseball League

In Episode #189, Paula Poundstone announces the creation of a 'Podcaster's Baseball League,' in which the hosts of every podcast ever made will compete in a baseball tournament to rival that of Major League baseball. Adam Felber raises several concerns at this idea, (namely the sheer number of podcasts out there), but also the fact that there are only four of them. Most of the league consists of the cast speculating which other podcasts they would be able to defeat.

* The management of the Podcaster's Baseball League is done exclusively by hand, by Paula Poundstone, who is currently in the process of writing down the names of various podcasters on pieces of paper and putting them in a hat. This is apparently a highly time consuming process.
* In Episode #206; Michael Boomboombonavich gives the cast a lengthy pep talk regarding their recent practice, in which he viciously insults the baseball skills of everyone but Adam Felber. Paula explains that Michael has somehow appointed himself team manager.
The Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone Book Club

A regular (and lengthy) segment of the podcast in which the cast is tasked with reading chapters of an assigned book and discussing their contents. The Book Club tends to be a fairly contentious segment of the podcast, despite strictly abiding by Robert's Rules of Order, at least in part because the selected books are rarely enjoyed, (or read), by Paula or her associates.

* The Book Club debuted with a catastrophe ridden reading of Herman Melville's great American novel 'Moby Dick,' and has since covered 'Eat Pray Love,' 'Fight Club,' 'Dark Corners,' 'Twilight,' 'The Hacienda,' and 'The Scarlet Letter.'
* Despite following a strict code of conduct, the Book Club is riddled with several serious and seemingly insurmountable issues, having only endured through the strict censorship measures of Adam Felber. On numerous occasions members have failed to read assigned chapters, read ahead, read entirely different books, lied about reading, and so on and so forth. Book club sessions rarely conclude without one or more of the cast being censured for their misconduct.
* Adam Felber is president pro-tempore of the book club, and leads book club meetings in place of official Book Club president Ken Lazebnich, who has never actually been present for a meeting of the book club. Because he does not own a gavel, Adam instead bangs a (now hopelessly broken) microphone on things in order to call the book club to order.
Tripoly Blend

A mysterious fabric used in Paula Poundstone's famous, remarkably soft Tripoly Blend T-Shirts, with a self-portrait of Poundstone on the Left breast, and memorable quote on the back.

* Paula Poundstone initially mentions her Tripoly Blend T-Shirts in Episode #5 in order to request advertising advice on how to sell these T-Shirts to a single listener in Chile. Adam advises her to avoid focusing on the material of the shirts as their sole selling point.
* In subsequent episodes, Adam Felber repeatedly claims that a Tripoly blend is not an actual type of fabric, and that Paula is instead referring to a 'Tri-Blend' of Polyster, Cotton, and Rayon. This exemplifies Adam's ability take up ridiculous points of contention for no good reason other than to argue with his cohost on faulty premises.
* The famous Tri-Poly blend T-Shirts, sold on Poundstone's website, are available in both baseball and standard styles.
Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone Wiki

**Welcome to the Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone Wiki!**
#### ***Established canon of the*** **Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone *universe.***

Since July 16, 2018, famous American comedian Paula Poundstone has released weekly episodes of her critically acclaimed podcast, the aptly named *Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone*, alongside her troubled cohost Adam Felber and various amusing and equally disturbed characters. This podcast has raised many questions over its lengthy runtime. Why doesn't Paula Poundstone own a bed? Where in the world is Thomas Coyne? How do callers keep calling into a podcast that's taped in advance? In what manner did Captain Culpepper truly perish?

This Wiki seeks to answer, or at least catalog, evidence into these and other unsettling mysteries raised by this mysterious and elusive podcast, as well as to provide an exhaustively detailed look at its inhabitants. Contributions are appreciated and should require minimal basis in fact.

## Important articles

* **Paula Poundstone (Podcast Host)**
* **Adam Felber (Podcast Cohost)**
* **Bonnie Burns (Podcast Manager)**
* **Toni Anita Hull (Podcast Cast Member)**
Behave! Correcting People and Teeth (Summary)

Introduced by toy piano player and House Band Sarah Gibson, Paula and Adam... Courtesy expert Elaine Swan gives the cast advice on proper ettiquete, and Dr.Clarise Lawe offers some pointers on dental hygiene.

## 'Behave! Correcting People and Teeth'

### Air date

October 2018

* Paula and Adam conduct a telephone interview, (their first to date), with Joseph Horvath, a Hungarian Professor using their podcast as a means of teaching English to Hungarian students. Paula requests Professor Horvath look around Hungary for their (still missing) survivalist Thomas Coine.
* Subsequently, the cast listens to additional Theme Songs, including a free-verse poem that Paula suggests they print and sell on Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone bedsheets. Adam admits that famous Irish Musician Bono has, in fact, submitted a theme song; but, as he failed to mention Adam, Adam Felber destroyed the only existing tapes.
* After interviewing Expert Guest Elaine Swane, Paula summarizes her advice as follows:

> *"If you have gas at a dinner party, excuse yourself and change the subject to someone else having gas! If you're a friend, you use honesty, without blowing people away. So instead of saying, 'My god, you smell!' You might say: "What I like about being with you is that I breathe shallow, and that gets my heart pounding," or: "I'm glad you don't use that axe body spray, it smells really bad on top of anything that smells like a barn in the Summer, or: 'I'm glad to be with you, because nobody will notice I haven't showered in days, I have a rotten egg in my pocked, and a decaying rat in my hat!"*
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* Subsequently, Paula and Adam interview Dentist Clarise Lawe on the subject of Halloween candy, introducing Paula's famous affinity for Butterfingers, which Paula correctly claims contain Nougat, (in spite of Adam's misleading skepticism on the matter.) Paula summarizes her advice as follows:

> *"Candy is not in general good for your teeth. If it's the candy that you suck on over time, your teeth are in a pool of sugar. Dark chocolate is the least offensive, but it's only the best tasting if it covers nougat. (Adam mutters something.) The human jaw has evolved to become smaller over time, which is why Butterfingers have made the butterfinger chips, so all the Nougat can fit into the mouth. (Adam expresses skepticism.) You should have your kid's teeth checked for Orthodontia by the age of seven or so, even before all their baby teeth are out. The dentist can identify issues with jaw size- that's what Dr.Lawe says. I say it's also because your Orthodontist may want to take his whole family on a Swiss ski vacation!"*
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The Survivalist! (Summary)

Introduced by accordionist and House Band Alexi Chebaloch, the cast plan on interviewing survivalist Thomas Coine on bear survival, and attorney Sarah Palinski on writing a Last Will and Testament. Things go awry when Thomas Coine fails to arrive.

## 'The Survivalist!'

### Air date

July 2018

* Due to Thomas Coine's absence, the cast immediately presume him to have been attacked by a bear in Northern Hollywood. (Citing the dangers of Miranda Street.) However, given that Adam later declares bears to be rare in California, the veracity of this conclusion is unclear.
* Instead, Paula and Adam interview their second guest, Sarah Palinski, whose advice Paula summarizes as follows, after going on a lengthy digression as to the accuracy and cultural importance of the 1970s Disney film, 'The Aristocats':

> *"Contrary to what you may have heard from your untrustworthy neighbors, the state does not take half your assets when you die. You can't just cross stuff out and write something else in on a will; in most states, you need a notary to change your will. In California, you need two witnesses, a director, and a studio audience. A living trust is like a box, with your stuff, that one person is instructed what to do with. A will is just a piece of paper, which will go to probate, which is a long, expensive court process. And let's face it, eventually, the whole goddamn thing will be on an app, and Putin and Trump will get whatever you've managed to squirrel away. Oh, and one more thing: 'The Aristocats' is a template of estate planning, and therefore, required viewing for any good lawyer!"*
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* In spite of Thomas Coine's absence, Paula and her associates decide to continue the episode as if he were actually there. The cast comes up with several theories, including the hazards of bears attacking Adam Felber's genitals, whether or not the Bernstein bears are Jewish, the wisdom of employing hundreds of wildlife documentary narrators to announce the presence of bears to wayward hikers, and whether an intensive advertising campaign might be used to attract *more* bears to California. Paula is instructed to summarize Thomas Coine's advice in spite of his absence, and does so as follows:

> *"Well, if you run into a bear, DON'T count on Thomas Coine!"*
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Wendell

Mentioned sporadically throughout the Podcast, in spite of never appearing in person; Wendell is declared to be Paula Poundstone's personal assistant. It is unclear what, exactly, his job description consists of, as he is noted to perform a variety of menial tasks for Poundstone in various episodes. Paula seemingly does not appreciate Wendell's aid, as his appearances are usually accompanied by some mention of his incompetence or poor attitude.

## Appearances

### Debut

Episode #3

* Wendell's first, (and to date, only), appearance on the podcast is in the Cold Open of Episode #253, in which he can be heard vaguely muttering an answer to Paula as part of a 'peek behind the curtain' for their introduction.
The Lost Commercials

After a noticeable uptick in Ad breaks; Paula Poundstone and Adam Felber apparently spent the time usually devoted to mid-show advertisements to recklessly goofing off about the products they were supposed to be promoting, in an event thereafter known as the Lost Commercials. It is unclear whether these segments were accidentally edited into the show in place of the regular adbreaks, or were intended to be removed from the finished episode; but regardless, these 'Lost Commercials' are no longer available, and are remembered only by those nobodies fortunate enough to have been there during their brief appearance in mid 2022.

* The Lost Commercials are first referred to in Episode #196; where Adam eventually explains something of what occurred after Paula and Bonnie start reminiscing over the event. While Adam suggests that the cast made fun of all their usual sponsors, the only specific example he provides is that of Bonnie Burnes making various obscene suggestions on how she intends to use her Helix brand mattress.
Rock, and Rolling (Summary)

Introduced by bassoonist and House Band Amber Wydman, Paula and Adam interview Dr.Asa Habibi and driving instructor Josh Mendoza.

## 'Rock, and Rolling'

### Air date

October 2018

* After Paula advises listeners to go outside during Hurricanes in order to determine the weather, (not trusting weathermen herself), Adam determines they can rule out any jobs in Television for their new Career Corner segment. In protest, Paula creates a Balloon sculpture of a flatulating turtle.
* Reviewing recent Theme Song submissions, Paula is delighted by an especially extensive entry, which, after several minutes of praise for Poundstone, mentions in passing that Adam Felber is on 'every show.' Unbeknownst to Adam, (who is mildly indignant about this statement), this will become a reoccuring theme of the Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone Theme Song Contest.
* Adam and Paula interview Dr.Asa Habibi on the topic of music in relation to Psychology. Paula summarizes Dr.Habibi's advice as follows:

> *"The Basala Membrane is part of the inner ear that has spaces in it for different frequencies. Notes sound dissonant when two are too close together and can't be distinguished. The Basala Membrane is also my youngest son's new name! We built this city... (Adam Grunts) ...We built this city! When you make music with someone else you experience a brain phenomenon called entrainment. It can also happen with marching. SO a marching band must be all but fused together after Stars and Stripes Forever. We built this city! (Adam Groans). Music* fires *up emotion systems in the brain, which is why songs trip memories so easy. ...On rock and roll! ...So someday, I'm gonna remember this night!"*
>
>

* Subsequently, Paula and Adam interview traffic expert and driving instructor Josh Mendoza. However, before Paula can learn the proper method of parallel parking, the episode randomly cuts off.
Thomas Coine

A mysterious missing person, and the subject of an intensive search by the cast and listeners of Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone. Thomas Coine was originally intended to give Paula and Adam expert advice on surviving bear attacks in Episode #4. When Thomas Coine fails to show up, the cast assume the worst- that Thomas Coine, wilderness survivalist, was unable to survive the hazards of Miranda Street.

## Appearances

### Debut

Episode #4

* While Thomas Coine failed to show up in Episode #4, (Instead, the cast referred to Google for advice on surviving bear attacks), Paula later mistakenly believes the disappearance to have occured during Episode #3.
* The ensuing search for Thomas Coine is begun in subsequent episodes, and has continued for the duration of the show, though past Episode #120 the search has slowed significantly. This may be in part due to the unusual search method employed by Poundstone; in which listeners may report locations that Thomas Coine is not currently in.
* Adam Felber has repeatedly questioned the premise of the search for Thomas Coine, arguing that it is possible that Thomas Coine may very well be in one of the countless places that have been reported as *not* containing Thomas Coine, given that such reports only reveal that Thomas Coine is not *currently* there. This seems to suggest that Adam doesn't actually care about helping the missing survivalist in question, and would rather argue over pointless technicalities.
* During the Covid-19 Pandemic, when Paula Poundstone was no longer able to steal hotel soap as gifts for listeners, they at one point moved to giving 'Thomas Coins' instead; small wooden coins in the likeness of the missing Survivalist, donated by a pair of helpful nobodies. These coins are reportedly not accepted as valid currency in most developed nations.
* When Thomas Coine is initially revealed to be missing, Paula declares that she may have in fact arranged his untimely demise in order to go on an especially lengthy digression. However, this possibility is never again brought up or investigated.
* After a long period during which he is not mentioned, Thomas Coine abruptly returns as an important figure in the podcast when Paula reveals he is not in the expensive veterinary clinic near her home in Episode #199.
* In Episode #231, Paula declares that several nobodies claim to have seen Thomas Coine on NBC's *Sunday Today*, which Paula takes as an indication of the effort and dedication directed to their four-year-long manhunt.
Hundredth Caller Contest

Beginning around Episode #50; the Hundredth Caller Contest offered the podcast's hundredth caller the chance to hang out after the game with Adam Felber, the podcast cohost, the contest saw the addition of several new reoccurring characters to the show. Adam Felber frequently expressed confusion as to how callers were able to contact them, due to the fact that the Podcast is apparently pre-recorded.

* The Contest was eventually won around Episode #120, in which Michael Boomboombonavich became the hundredth caller, and subsequently gave his prize to Winnie Rose Fiedman; on the grounds that she genuinely wanted to hang out with Adam after the game, and he apparently already does so on a regular basis.
* Despite the fact that the contest concluded some time ago, the show's most frequent callers still call in regularly, usually interrupting Adam Felber, who admits to having developed traumatic memories of the ordeal.
* Regular callers during and after the contest include:
	+ Winnie Rose Fiedman, a high strung and emotionally unstable woman with an unhealthy affection for Adam Felber.
	+ Michael Boomboombonavich, a gruff automechanic with a dirty sense of humor, apparently a long-time friend of Adam's.
	+ Claire Eva, a self-proclaimed psychic capable of forseeing the future.
	+ Mrs. Nancy, A potty-mouthed third grade elementary teacher with questionable methods.
	+ Glady Pilgrim, a self-proclaimed soon-to-be appointed supreme court justice under the Trump administration.
	+ Nan Mumford, an older woman from Maine, who seemingly does not grasp the concept of the contest, and continues to call in for no clear reason.
* On episode #226, (To Adam's alarm and dismay), Paula Poundstone announced a **New Hundredth Caller Contest,** in which the winner would recieve an all-expenses-paid tour of various important sites in the 'Adam Felber' story, including various locations where Adam Felber taught improv, the sunglasses sales hut in which he formerly worked, and the like.
	+ Adam Felber, still traumatized from the initial contest, is extremely concerned about this, but is unable to convince Paula otherwise.
	+ Paula apparently does this in response to the failure of their last contest, in which a dismal amount of Nobodies responded for an opportunity to win a zoom party with the cast of Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone, and hopes a new contest will revitalize interest in the podcast.
List of Paula Poundstone's Pets

Paula Poundstone owns several (dozen) animals that are sparodically mentioned over the course of the podcast, and occasionally interfere with its proceedings. It is unclear why Paula has so many pets give that they apparently cause her nothing but trouble, yet the amount of animals in Paula's home has only grown over the course of the show. The animals known to live with Paula thusfar include:

* Moe, the Pod Puppy, a mischievous dog adopted by Paula around the start of the Podcast. Episode #245 reveals him to hail from Illinois.
* Sirius
* Severus
* Theo
* Hardy
* Misses Fezziwig
* Shamwow, a confusingly named cat that lives in Paula's home.
* Harrison Tonks
* Lawson, who unintentionally rips of Paula Poundstone's leg when thrown at a balloon-animal slide in Episode #221
* Nash
* Mickey Dollins from the Monkeys, the origin of whose name is unclear.
* Wednesday, a notably grumpy cat.
(Burning) Hot Real Estate! (Summary)

Introduced by fiddler and House Band Longo Chu; Paula and Adam interview Vulcanologist Jess Phoenix on the topic of Volcanoes, and #3 ranked Monopoly Player Ken Correy on the topic of Monopoly. (The Board Game.)

## '(Burning) Hot Real Estate!'

### Air date

January 2019

* Paula reveals that she has finally decided to go to a real doctor, rather than asking her veterinarian for health advice on a broken rib. The Cast then gets into a lengthy arguement about the average lifespan of horses.
* Paula and Adam subsequently interview Vulcanologist Jess Phoenix on the topic of the environment. Paula summarizes her advice as follows:

*"Producing meat is bad for the environment; it takes a lot of water to grow their grass- they also drink a lot of water behind your back. Check the energy star rating when you purchase appliances; it's on a big sticker, you can't miss it! And unplug your electronic stuff you're not using. (Although in my case that can be a waste of gas when the repairman comes and it just turns out the television wasn't plugged in.) Volcanic eruptions do not produce more Co2 emissions than humans, so just stop saying it!"*

* The cast then interviews professional Monopoly player Ken Correy on the topic of Monopoly, during which Bonnie Burns noisily unwraps a Candy bar for over fifteen minutes. Paula summarizes his advice as follows:

*"Baltic Avenue and Mediterranean, the purples, will bring in some steady money- steady at two dollars at a time. Get the oranges, because they're the most landed on, and put three houses on right away, (and hotels as quickly as you can.) Once you get the hotels, put little shampoos and conditioners in the room, and and label them with large font, because I put lotion on my head twice last year! Board walk, Park Place, and the pricey green ones are landed on the least, because the player goes to jail before they get here. That's even* after *they legalized pot! The rule where you start the game with $500 in the middle of the board, and that when you pay taxes* that *goes in the middle of the board, and whoever lands on Free parking wins it; is not a rule! Besides, it drags the game on for hours, but it does give the Mediterranean owner time to save up tens of dollars. If you want to win in tournament play, get your friend to be the judge!"*
Toni Anita Hull

A former producer of the podcast, Toni Anita Hull remains with the show as a beloved cast member (except when she's on a cruise).

• Noted for a love of bad television and a brief kidnapping by pirates, she is also generally among the saner cast members, except when it comes to COVID cruises, which she takes regularly.

• Toni is the reluctant host of one of the most confusing segments of the podcast, "Toni’s Craft Corner," during which she offers sometimes incomplete instruction on crafting projects to Paula, Adam, and Bonnie. Results vary, with Bonnie often constructing something that only vaguely resembles the intended product. Why a visual activity is being performed in a podcast is anyone’s guess.
A Very Poundstone Thanksgiving (Summary)

Paula decides to test the advertising claims of Herbal Essence haircare products, which claims to posess an irresistable fragrance. Introduced by FIddler and House Band Craig Eastman, Paula and Adam perform a vacation show, which, in spite of not featuring any Expert Guests, is just as long as previous episodes.

## 'A Very Poundstone Thanksgiving'

### Air date

November 2018

* Paula and Adam review more entries into their Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone Theme Song Contest, including Hip-Hop, Blues, and Bluegrass style pieces; in which Adam remarks that the idea that his only noteworthy contribution to the show is being present. New theme songs have apparently picked up on the idea of only mentioning Adam in passing, to Paula's delight. All three entries exhibit this issue.
* Paula and Adam bring us another instance of their famous 'Movie Reviews of the Original So You Can Decide Whether or Not to Watch the Sequel' segment, in which they review the original *Rocky* to determine whether listeners should watch *Creed*. Adam points out that this may be stretching the premise of the segment, given that there are several sequels between the two films. (This being, of course, before the cast has reviewed *The Smurfs Movie* in order to determine whether listeners should watch *Men in Black* in a subsequent episode. As per usual, Paula advises viewers not to watch the sequel.
* The movie review also marks one of Toni Anita Hull's first lines, when Paula and Adam are unclear on one of Adrian's lines.
* Subsequently, Paula and Adam perform another early prototype of what will eventually become their 'Mailbag!' segment, in which they answer listener questions. (However, at this point, they are still fielding general listener questions, rather than specific complaints regarding the show.) In this segment, Paula reveals that she does, in fact, sleep in a bed in some instances, such as when visiting hotels. (On the dubious grounds that she can't be sure the floor is properly cleaned.)
* Paula concludes the episode by revealing to Adam that she has, in fact, been testing a product claim over the course of the show, in order to observe whether or not Adam could resist her. She determines without a doubt that Herbal Essence hair-care products are not, in fact, irresistible, by repeatedly flirting with and leaning on Adam over the course of the episode, which Adam finds creepy in the extreme.
The Bitian Story Wiki

**Welcome to the The Bitian Story Wiki!**
The wiki about an original work series, The Bitian Story. Freshly Started.

There are nine main characters, namely Genius, Canida, Felida, Yosin, Shiyu, Rebecca, Termo, Lotus and Zeszy.

There are two countries, called Central Federal Bitian Union (CFBU) and Termish Empire (TE).

I'm Mr.Bit, the President of CFBU and the creator of the world.

Welcome to my world!

## Documents

A Brief Introduction to The Bitian Story

Prologue-Before the dawn of humanity

Bitian Battlechess-From the designer's perspective

Introduction to CFBU

Introduction to the UNIMADE Brand

Release Conference-UNIMADE B8 Series

Central Federal Bitian University

## Stories

The Forbidden Knowledge

Toy with death
Vanessa

**"***Yup, easiest $68 I've ever made.***"**
— **Vanessa**

Vanessa is a student of Mr. K

## Sub Notes

In part one of When The Substitute Teacher Leaves a Note, it is stated that Vanessa put one of her OnlyFans videos up on the projector and told the class to subscribe to it. In Parts 2-3, Vanessa is only *mentioned*, in both instances she was stated to have died. In Part 6, Vanessa had been noted to have told the substitute that if he gave her the money that Mr. K was paying him to sub, then she would sleep with him. After Mr. K finished reading, however, he remembered that when giving the sub his money, *"He got all happy"*, which caused Mr. K to excitedly (and not in a good way) ask Vanessa if she *actually* slept with the substitute, which she responds with, "Yep", and claims that it was the easiest $68 she ever made.

## Trivia

* Vanessa was known to have *died*, TWICE before in this series before appearing in Part Six, *alive.*
	+ Additionally, both times she died, it was because of something that Jimmy did.