AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE G.U.F.F. REGARDING AFFAIRS AT AREA 51

*It has come to our attention that some quantity of you have plans to raid the United States millitary base known as Area 51, mainly due to hypothetical rumors of extraterrestrials imprisoned therein.*

*We ask you, please do not do this. It is ill-advised for multiple reasons beyond the simple reasons of heavily armed agents legally permitted to use lethal force on tresspassers.*

*There are no xenobiological organisms stored at Area 51. We organize our works regarding extraterrestrial matters over numerous locations, and it would be unwise for us to concentrate them into a singular area for the sake of events such as this; or greater dangers from non-state actors.*

*Area 51 is instead a testing and storage ground for experimental aircraft, anomalous ones included. The rumor of xenobiological organisms was stochastically generated relating to the "Roswell Incidents" of [REDACTED], but further encouraged by agencies outside of our own as a means of psychological operations to obfuscate the base's true purpose.*

*At the time we discouraged this strategy, but were overruled. The department still maintains that was a mistake.*

*Multiple aircraft are sentient or sapient, unrelated to secondary anomalous entities known as "Aeromorphs" sighted in [REDACTED], and a major proportion of those are carnivorous. The ones that aren't are highly aggressive. Most of them are placated with large quantities of animal blood,"food pellets," and a carefully cultivated "pseudo-ecology"*

*In addition, multiple vehicles at that location are highly radioactive due to their use in Atomic operations. Many that are not are highly unstable on a chemical; temporal; occult, psionic or eschatonic level. None of the items stored here have been deemed safe for retrieval on a non-professionally-trained level.*

*If you enter and manage to avoid the armed personnel, you are likely to die. It is statistically further likely you will be in pain the whole time you are dying. It is even further statistically likely that you will be in pain the whole time after you have died.*

*This is why we advise you, avoid raiding Area 51. Such an act is not simply hazardous to the extreme, but also lacks utility on any public level.*

*There have been responses regarding a possible greater utility in collective organization against the current governmental locations or "camps" concentrating human beings; including juveniles; in conditions of squalor and death for seeking asylum or economic opportunity.*

*These responses suggest that it would be of greater utility to work to free those individuals from state violence than to search for xenobiological organisms that are not at this location. We are legally prohibited from commenting on these responses.*

*Remember: Stay Smart, Stay Safe, Stay Out Of Area 51. They can, and will, stop you all.*

## Author Commentary

This was funnier when the Area 51 raid was A Thing.

It was in fact inspired at least partially by the actual facts of Area 51, namely the plane-testing and the encouragement of alien-bassed rumors to get them the fuck off, and by the fact that I figured the G.U.F.F. would have an interest in this matter!

Also, I made a properly-browseable tag for the G.U.F.F. entries that doesn't end up in a 404 now! So this was a good way to announce it too! If you wanna archive-binge, now's as good a time as any!

And, as with most of my other G.U.F.F. stuff, this is free to use as you see fit under a CC-BY 4.0 license so long as I; Thomas F. Johnson, am credited as their creator!

And, if you wanna support me, maybe check out my Patreon, or even just send a Ko-Fi my way! Every penny is appreciated, and I am eternally grateful for those who donate! Or, if you wanna commission me, my commission info is thisaway!