Biting the Bullet

**Biting the Bullet** is episode 112b of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on September 11, 2004.

## Synopsis

Carver's GPA is low enough to get him recruited into the U.S. Army, and Superintendent Strict doesn't hesitate to show him what it's like. But after looking at images of how it's really like, does Carver really want to go?

## Cast

* Veronica Taylor as Carver
* Eric Stuart as Superintendent Strict
* Mike Pollock as Principal Walker
* Andrew Rannells as Edward and The Narrator
* Josh Peck as Eric
* Wayne Grayson as Joey
* Gary Sauls as Constantinos and Mr. Goodman
* Edward Felker as Stanley
* Dan Green as Dallas
* Rachael Lillis as Ms. Green

## Trivia

* Although this episode premiered in 2004, it was produced in 2003 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.
* This episode premiered exactly five years after Shaggy Dog Story.
* This episode is available to watch on the Coulrophobia DVD and VHS, The Best of Carver VHS, and the Season 5 Volume 2 box set.
* This episode premiered as part of the Bat-tastic Saturday event, which marked the series premieres of *The Batman* and the hilariously short-lived *Da Boom Crew*.
* This episode serves as a jab at how American military recruiters usually target students with lower grades and bad behaviors.
* Tough Toenails Academy, an unseen school mentioned in Edward for Pres-ed-ent, is mentioned again in this episode.
* Most of the items in Superintendent Strict's luggage are from past episodes:
	+ Jacob Kneebone's treasure (One For All (Not Really))
	+ Keys (Locked Out)
	+ Edward's science fair project (Between Projects)
	+ "To my nephew, Constantinos Gargano. -Abracadabra the Amazing" flyer (Abracadabra!)
	+ Eric's library book (Fine By Me)
	+ Cloning device (Double-ed-ged Sword)
	+ Newspaper with a headline related to tomato juice (Hard-Boiled Ed)
	+ Dakesile School sign (Dakesile School)
	+ Cosmic Battles: The Ghost Hazard poster (Sold Out)

## Transcript

(The episode opens in the school's auditorium. Mr. Goodman is behind the podium, and Principal Walker is sitting on a chair, sleeping away)

**Mr. Goodman:** (without any energy) Welcome to Lakeside City School's annual award ceremony, and since no student has actually done anything noteworthy this semester, we'll call it the "*Almost* Award Ceremony".

(Everybody cheers)

**Mr. Goodman:** So let's get things rolling, I suppose. (takes out an award) Edward Pearson, please come up to receive your Perfect Attendance award like how you do every year.

(Everybody except Carver cheers again as Edward walks up on stage to collect it)

**Carver:** NEXT!!!! Ya gonna call me up or what?

**Mr. Goodman:** Fine. Come up here, Carver.

(Carver walks up on stage with a smug expression)

**Mr. Goodman:** Carver Brutus, it seems-

(Suddenly, Carver whips out his report card, which has a 1.2 GPA. Everybody cheers, while Mr. Goodman is surprised)

**Carver:** Check it out, dorks! The lowest GPA in the school's history!

**Principal Walker:** (wakes up) Whu- what the?

**Carver:** (responding to the cheering) Yes, thank you! Look at me! (hops into the crowd and gets carried away by a group of students)

**Principal Walker:** (stands up, still half-asleep) What's all the commotion about?

**Mr. Goodman:** It appears that Carver has the lowest GPA in the history of the school.

**Principal Walker:** So? Big deal.

**Mr. Goodman:** (takes out a clipboard) Well, it *is* a big deal, because this means Carver fits the criteria of joining the U.S. Army. And since this is Carver we're talking about, this may actually be beneficial for him.

**Principal Walker:** (stands up straight) The *army?!* Poor kid. You couldn't pay me to relive my days in the Navy! I was the four-time winner of the Golden Gloves tournament, yet I was still the head janitor on the S.S. Lame-O. They couldn't appreciate a guy who could snap a bear's neck blindfolded.

**Mr. Goodman:** I never knew you were in the Navy.

**Principal Walker:** (takes out a picture of Walker catching a large fish while on a Navy boat to prove it) Yes I was, Goodman. Yes I was.

**Mr. Goodman:** Well, I'll have to notify Superintendent Strict immediately. (walks away) Students eligible for the army must be approved by him personally!

**Principal Walker:** WHAT IS IT WITH YOU, GOODMAN?! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO CALL SUPERINTENDENT STRICT?!

(Later at lunch, Carver is bragging to a group of students at the table he's sitting at)

**Carver:** So yeah, the key to having a low GPA is to skip every class you're in, beat up the hall monitors, and never care what your parents have to tell ya once you're home.

(They all praise him)

**Mr. Goodman:** (walks in with a clipboard) Uh, Carver, could I have a word with you?

**Carver:** Certainly! (to the students) If you fans will all excuse me...

**Mr. Goodman:** Your transfer to the U.S. Army has already been arranged.

(Carver's eyes widen upon hearing this)

**Mr. Goodman:** Superintendent Strict will be here shortly.

**Carver:** T-t-t-t-the...a-a-ar-ar-army...? W-w-w-w-w...

**Mr. Goodman:** Well, surely you knew the only realistic way anybody can join the military is by having the lowest GPA humanly possible, and you're one of them.

(Carver shatters to pieces)

**Carver:** (shivers) W-w-w-w...y-yeah, s-s-sure, b-but I...

(A horn sounds off outside, and Superintendent Strict arrives at the parking lot in his jeep)

**Superintendent Strict:** (marches out) Which one of you maggots is Carver?

(Everybody arrives in shock. Principal Walker stretches his arms and grabs Carver, nervously grinning and shivering)

**Mr. Goodman:** He's right here, Superintendent Strict sir.

(Walker runs off, and Strict slowly marches towards Carver, who gulps. As he gets closer, the students run away)

(Carver gasps once Strict closely looks at him. He sniffs him)

**Superintendent Strict:** Hmmmm...

(He takes a moment to ponder)

**Superintendent Strict:** I LIKE THIS KID! Gaylord, get my luggage!

**Principal Walker:** (meekly walks back into the scene) Actually, I prefer going by "*Principal* Walk-

**Superintendent Strict:** ARE YOU DISOBEYING ME, GAYLORD?!

**Principal Walker:** (yelps) NO, SIR! I SHALL UNLOAD YOUR LUGGAGE, SIR! (dashes off to Strict's jeep and pops the trunk open)

(He frowns upon seeing it's loaded full of stuff)

**Principal Walker:** Oh...

(Strict and Carver walk towards the school building)

**Superintendent Strict:** I think you're gonna like your new home, son.

**Mr. Goodman:** Superintendent Strict, about your sleeping arrangement-

**Superintendent Strict:** I'll be stayin' right here in Gaylord's office! (opens the door and slams it shut)

**Principal Walker:** (grunts as he carries a mountain of luggage on his back) What did he say?

(Later, Strict and Carver are sitting inside Walker's office)

**Superintendent Strict:** Now, let's take a sneak peek at the good life in the army. HIT THE LIGHTS!

(Walker takes out a baseball bat, dashes out to the hallway, and knocks out a kid who has a name tag that reads "The Lights")

(The lights in his office turn off as a video starts playing on the projection screen from That's a Record!. The video starts off with a shot of a few barracks)

**Superintendent Strict:** There she is - the army camp! (Carver becomes worried) A clean environment with no distractions and all-you-can-eat meals, such as gruel, dirt, and worms! So whaddya think so far, boy?

**Carver:** (sweats) Uhhh...I...

(The next picture shown is another barracks)

**Superintendent Strict:** Fishing facilities! Only the best! (he goes over to a picture of three kids sweating profusely while doing push-ups on wooden monkey bars) And there's always a place to hang out. (and a picture of a worried kid with a backpack ten times his size) The first week, ya get to relax, (and a kid eating a bowl of insects) and EAT BUGS! (laughs merrily)

(He goes over to a picture of a depressed kid being pelted by paintballs)

**Superintendent Strict:** You'll go in as an eager young lad, (and a picture of the same kid with a muscular stature) but you'll leave as a hardened man, ready for the cold, cruel world!

(Carver and Principal Walker have worried expressions on their faces)

**Superintendent Strict:** Oh, hold on! (chuckles) This is a good part. (he goes over to another picture of kids being pelted by paintballs) Oh, these are some snapshots I took at last year's initiation! (and another picture of the same thing, and he laughs harder as he goes through more of them) Oh, ya can't make that up! (wheezes)

**Carver:** (nervously) Will I...will I...I have to, uhh...

**Superintendent Strict:** (puts his arm over his shoulders) But the most important part is the part I can't show you in mere pictures!

(The projection is on a picture of a crying kid being - you guessed it - pelted by paintballs, but then he shuts it off)

**Superintendent Strict:** It's the way your blood will rush in like a thousand sinking ships. (points to his head) Or is it all up here, in the most dangerous minefield I know?! (inhales and becomes serious) ***YOUNG SOLDIERS. NEVER. LEAVE. THE WAR ZONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

(Beat as Carver melts to a puddle out of terror)

**Superintendent Strict:** (nonchalantly as he sits back down) So anyway, that's boot camp in a nutshell. (points to Carver, who has already healed) Last student who made it all the way had a low GPA just like you even though they could've easily gotten straight As! Would you ever be a lazy, good-for-nothing waste of air like that, son?

**Carver and Principal Walker:** (in unison) No! I would never lie and put in minimal effort!

(They stare at each other for a second)

**Superintendent Strict:** GOOD! Had to send that disgrace to Tough Toenails Academy. So let's see ya demonstrate some difficult soldier skills for your fellow classmates!

**Carver:** Now?!

(The camera transitions to everybody sitting at the football field)

**Superintendent Strict:** Watch and learn, kiddos! Carver here will demonstrate his bugle-blowing skills by playing Reveille! ***GAYLORD!!!!!! GIVE THE STUDENT A BUGLE!!!!!!!***

(Walker shoves a bugle into Carver's mouth, and he plays it off-key. He tries playing it correctly, but continues failing, and his entire face turns red from the force he's putting in)

**Principal Walker:** C'mon, Carver! Blow!

(Carver ends up blowing Principal Walker's clothes away with it)

**Superintendent Strict:** (laughs and claps) That's it, boy! (singing) Magnificoooooooo!

(The camera transitions to Carver holding a carbine rifle)

**Superintendent Strict:** Steady, boy. You've got the needs to use a heavy gun like that.

(Carver tightly shuts his eyes and leans back once he prepares his aim)

**Superintendent Strict:** ***READY, TARGET?!?!?!?!?!?***

**Principal Walker:** (standing behind a target) Uhhh...ready.

**Superintendent Strict:** (whispering to Carver) Now, keep your eye on the target. Concentrate. Breathe in...breathe out...

(Beat)

**Superintendent Strict:** ***FIRE!!!!!!!!!***

(Carver jumps in fear and starts frantically shooting bullets everywhere. The swarm of bullets hit a tree, one of the school's bells, a boulder, and then Principal Walker, who leaps high in the air and screams bloody murder upon being shot at)

(The camera transitions to Strict and Carver at a table with a large array of foods and condiments)

**Superintendent Strict:** Whether in the heat of battle, or in a gourmet kitchen, army soldiers know how to make soup with the simplest, spiciest ingredients! (laughs and puts a chef hat on Carver) SHOW 'EM HOW YA DO IT, SON!

**Carver:** Uhhhh...sure. (nervously chuckles as he drops all the spices and herbs into a hot bowl of soup)

**Superintendent Strict:** Very interesting indeed. ***GAYLORD!!!!!!!!!!!***

(The students chuckle at Walker's name, and Walker anxiously emerges from the bleachers)

**Superintendent Strict:** ***GET OVER HERE AND BE OUR TASTE TESTER!!!!!!!***

(Carver sheepishly hands him the bowl, and Walker slurps all of the soup into his mouth. Once he gulps it down, his body turns red, and his entire body shakes as the sound effect of a train blowing its horn plays. His entire body explodes, and smoke covers the screen, transitioning to later that day)

(Strict pats Carver's back, while Walker is still burnt to a crisp from earlier)

**Superintendent Strict:** Fine show, Carver! Fine show! (turns to Walker) ***AND AS FOR YOU, GAYLORD!!!!!!!***

(Walker gulps)

**Superintendent Strict:** (pats his back) Congratulations! (laughs) You have done an AMAZING job with this young man!

**Principal Walker:** M-m-me?

**Superintendent Strict:** In fact, you've created such a fertile garden from which right, new soldiers can be plucked, that I plan on coming back each and every week from now on to reap the harvest! (pats his back again, but roughly this time)

**Principal Walker:** Su-per! (groans in pain)

**Superintendent Strict:** (points to Carver) And as for you, my star pupil, you will leave for a new life first thing in the morning! (wheezes and laughs as he pulls him close to him)

**Carver:** (in a high-pitched voice out of fear) Ok...

**Superintendent Strict:** ***I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!***

**Carver, Principal Walker and Mr. Goodman:** (salutes) Yes, sir!

**Superintendent Strict:** At ease, girls. (marches away)

(Carver and Walker sigh in relief)

**Superintendent Strict:** (offscreen) ***REMEMBER TO READ ME MY BEDTIME STORY TONIGHT, GODMAN!!!!!!!***

**Mr. Goodman:** Yes, sir. (leaves)

(Walker sobs)

**Carver:** I don't wanna be a soldier! I DON'T WANNA EAT BUGS! (falls to the ground and grabs Walker by the knees) I DON'T WANNA BE A MAN! PLEASE, PRINCIPAL WALKER, YOU'VE GOTTA HELP ME!!!!

**Principal Walker:** HELP you?! Because of you and your low grades that makes every army recruiter get on students like white on rice, Superintendent Strict is *never* gonna leave me alone!

**Carver:** (cries loudly) I'M REALLY NOT THAT DUMB! I COULD GET REALLY GOOD GRADES IF I WANT TO! BUT SOMETIMES I JUST WONDER WHAT I'M GONNA GET OUT OF LIFE WITH POLYNOMIALS AND PYTHAGOREAN THEOREM AND ALL THE OTHER PHONY THINGS THE EDUCATION SYSTEM FORCES ONTO US! I ONLY CAME UP ON STAGE TO IMPRESS EVERYONE! (continues sobbing)

**Principal Walker:** Uh... (under his breath) you're not the only one. ***HOW ELSE DO YA THINK I GOT THIS JOB?!!?*** (cries as well)

**Carver:** (stands up) Your life is a lie too?

**Principal Walker:** (bragging) Well, I wouldn't-

**Carver:** (excitedly) You're not gonna support sending me to the army?!

**Principal Walker:** Not if you help me get rid of old man Strict.

**Carver:** (offers a handshake) Deal.

(They shake hands)

**Principal Walker:** (begins pondering with Carver) Now all we have to do is come up with a plan...

**Both:** Hmmmmm...

(Cut to a time card)

**The Narrator:** One hour later...

**Carver:** (they're still standing still) Any second now.

(Later, they're doing headstands)

**Principal Walker:** Anything?

**Carver:** Nope.

(The camera fades to nighttime, and they're still thinking)

**Both:** Nothing.

(The camera transitions to the following morning, where everybody is near the front gate)

**Superintendent Strict:** Now, I know what you're all thinking. (marches around) "Why wasn't it I who was chosen to be a soldier?"

**Eric:** That's not what I'm thinking.

**Superintendent Strict:** Well, you may not smell of success today, but one day, you will REEK of it, and join Carver in the pursuit of hardcore man stuff, America style! I leave you with those words of inspiration. It is time to go, Carver!

(Beat)

**Superintendent Strict:** Carver?

(Still no answer)

**Superintendent Strict:** GAYLORD!

(No answer either)

**Superintendent Strict:** Where are those two idiots?!

(Suddenly, Carver emerges from a bush screaming. He is in soldier attire, holding a paintball gun. Walker also screams, also with soldier attire and a paintball gun. They scream more as they shoot paintballs at Strict)

**Superintendent Strict:** (yelps) ***INCOMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGGG!!!!!!!!***

(Strict tries to block the paintballs with his own arms, but they continue shooting and drenching him in paint. Carver rolls over to take cover behind a rock, and he shoots more at Strict's face. Walker quickly crawls over to take cover behind a log, and they both shoot some more)

(Walker flies through the air and shoots some more. Carver releases a pin from a throwable paintball similarly to a grenade, and he throws it at Strict, resulting in a paintball explosion. Walker and Carver continue shooting paintballs at him until he's completely covered in the paint from top to bottom)

(Afterwards, they anxiously walk up towards him, scared of what might happen next)

(Strict emerges from the pile of paint, growling in anger. Carver and Walker become scared, but then Strict begins laughing, which confuses them)

**Superintendent Strict:** (points at Carver) YOU! (laughs and points to Walker) AND YOU! (laughs even more) You got me! (laughs) I've fought in eight different wars, and not once has anyone ever dented a scratch on me, but you two just broke that record! (laughs some more and puts his hand on Carver's shoulder as they start walking towards his jeep)

**Carver:** (in distraught that his plan didn't work) So you're not mad???

**Superintendent Strict:** Not at all! That's exactly the kind of spirit we need in boot camp! (opens the passenger door) After you, Carver. I've already got your stuff packed.

(Carver unwillingly sits down and closes the door)

**Superintendent Strict:** (hops in the driver's seat) And away we go!

**Mr. Goodman:** Um, excuse me. (opens a duffel bag that's next to Carver and takes out his school uniform) You won't be needing this anymore.

(Carver looks sad)

**Mr. Goodman:** Sorry.

**Superintendent Strict:** This is a proud moment. SEE YA IN A WEEK! (takes off)

**Dallas:** WAIT!

**Superintendent Strict:** (reverses his jeep) WHAT IS IT NOW?!

**Dallas:** I have something to give to Carver. (approaches him)

**Carver:** (sighs) Well, Dallas, if you wanna give me one last beating, go ahead and do it. I got nothing to live for now.

**Dallas:** Actually, no, it's not that.

**Joey:** (in the background) LAAAAAAAMEEEEEEE!!!!

**Dallas:** (hands Carver a drawing of him, and it has everybody's signatures on it, as well as words that read "We'll miss you, Carver!") This is from all of us. I didn't do it because I felt obligated to, but because I wanted to.

**Carver:** (touched) You...you made it? For *me?*

**Dallas:** Yeah, even though you're a complete psycho.

**Stanley:** And a bully.

**Joey:** And a moron.

**Edward:** And a narcissistic, homicidal, sexist, impulsive, trigger-happy sociopath.

**Constantinos:** (tries to say something) Uh, excuse me for a sec.

(He runs off to the boys' dorm and wildly cheers inside his and Dallas' bedroom. He puts on a party hat and dances around)

**Eric:** And you're stupid. (laughs)

**Carver:** (deadpan) Thanks, dorks, you really know how to make someone feel good about themselves.

**Dallas:** Well, what we're trying to say is, we'll miss you, Carver.

**Edward:** It won't be the same without being shoved into lockers and getting swirlies every other week.

**Superintendent Strict:** (facepalms) Oh brother, can we ju-

(Suddenly, he notices Carver tearing up and sniffling)

**Superintendent Strict:** ***HEY!!!!*** (scoops up one of Carver's tears) What is *this?* A TEAR?! ***SOLDIERS DON'T CRY!!!!!!!!*** (points at his eyes) ***YOU SEE, OUR TEAR DUCTS ARE SHRIVELED UP FROM DISUSE!!!!!! YOU'RE NO SOLDIER!!!!!!***

(He shoves Carver out of the jeep)

**Superintendent Strict:** You are just like the rest of these losers!!! I should've known this school could never produce a real soldier!

(Strict drives off, and everybody cheers, carrying Carver)

**Ms. Green:** HOLD IT!

(Everybody stops in their tracks)

**Ms. Green:** Now that you've wasted all of my paint, ***I'LL HAVE TO CANCEL MY MANDATORY END-OF-THE-YEAR ART PROJECT!!!!!!!***

(Beat)

(Everybody continues cheering)

**Principal Walker:** (dazed) Goodman, what just happened?

**Mr. Goodman:** You and Carver just gave Superintendent Strict the biggest paintball assault I've ever seen.

**Principal Walker:** Me and the kid who sounds like a girl?

**Mr. Goodman:** Yes, sir. (holds his arm and starts walking away with him)

**Principal Walker:** I wish I could've been there.

**Mr. Goodman:** You were, sir.

**Principal Walker:** I *was?*

**Mr. Goodman:** Perhaps you should take a little nap, sir.

(Iris out)

("The End" screen)

(Episode ends)