Stone 68

**Chapter 68**

Four chapters to go!

Richard and Red are now within sight of the People's Palace of D'Hara, having traveled the large-but-nonspecific distance in a night (it's predawn . . . I guess Richard doesn't need sleep). Richard sees green light shining through the glass roof of the Gardens of Life, and no, I don't remember the Gardens having a glass roof before, but it's possible that they did.

Red swoops in, and suddenly, someone is blasting at her with lightning. She gets hit and starts to spiral out of control. She breathes fire so Richard can see, and he uses his Magic Archery to shoot Odette. Ripple of darkness, poof.

Red lands, and Richard heads into the palace. Fifteen guards pop up and attack him, and Richard handily kills all fifteen with his l33t sword skillz *“in a matter of moments.”* \~/ Amusingly, Richard even speculates that the guards may not have recognized him, meaning he may have just slaughtered fifteen men who were loyal to him.

A troop of Dominatrices appears, and Richard switches from sword to knife in order to kill them. The leader, a blonde woman named Cara, says that they are here to protect him, calling him *“Lord Rahl.”* There's some discussion, then Cara tells Richard that it is the *“toasted toads truth,”* using a phrase Zedd told to Commander General Trimack, many, many chapters ago. This convinces Richard that Cara is legit, and she exposits some more.

Cara say that, two days ago, *"The magic woman”* came. She killed nearly three hundred men getting into the Gardens of Life. *“We tried to stop her, but we could not. We had no magic against her.”*

Isn't the WHOLE POINT of the Dominatrices that they can steal magic when it's used against them? Isn't that why Richard switched from the Sword of the Homicidal Hobo to a mundane knife **less than a page ago?** Shouldn't Odette's first lighting-strike on a Dominatrix have resulted in her being a helpless captive? \~/\~/

But wait, you may say. Odette is using Minus Magic! Maybe the Dominatrices' ill-defined powers don't work against Minus Magic! Ah, but Richard has Minus Magic, and they worked just fine against him last book.

Anyway, Odette killed another hundred guards when she came out to attack Richard, but now she's dead. The Dominatrices hustle Richard through the Palace, and he sees signs of fighting en route. Eventually they come to Trimack, who informs him that *“the rebel generals have launched an attack.”* Wait; what rebel generals? I guess these are the ones who didn't choose to follow Richard based on the “he killed the boss; that makes him the new boss” rule.

Richard storms into the Gardens, and sees the circle of sorcerer's sand with the skrin bone at the middle; the three Magic Boxes, which are shooting out blue, yellow, red and green light like some of those fountain fireworks; and Darken Rahl, who is a glowing white ghost.

   Richard's Satanic handprint starts burning. Rahl greets Richard and gives him the traditional “Join us and share ULTIMATE POWER!” speech (which, to my surprise, is not on the Evil Overlord's list). Rahl also refers to himself as *“we,”* and indicates that he is/they are Satan. So . . . has Satan already come through in the form of Rahl, or has Rahl just completely lost it?

Richard spurns Rahls offer, so Rahl offers to save Kahlan's life. To illustrate, he conjures up an image of Kahlan being beheaded. This moves Richard to scream *“Noooo!”* In fact, he screams it twice. Rahl says that Richard and Kahlan could both be immortal.

Richard realizes that to do that, he would have to screw the rest of the world, and such a deed would inevitably taint his and Kahlan's relationship. He tells Rahl no, then produces the black sorcerer's sand and sprinkles it over the white sand. This obliterates the white sand in a whirlpool of blue flames, and pisses Rahl off good and proper.

Richard pulls out the Crying Rock and orders Rahl to kneel, which – surprisingly enough – he does. Richard goes to hang the Rock around Rahl's neck, then remembers that using the Crying Rock selfishly would tear the veil. He hangs the Rock back around his own neck (wait . . . I thought it had to be sent back to Satan, right?). Rahl says *“Richard . . . you don't know what you're saying! Punish me. Hang the stone around my neck. Have your vengeance!”*

An evil overlord, yes. An evil genius, no. \~/

Richard magicks the round skrin bone into his hand, then blasts both lightning and black anti-lightning through it and into Rahl. Rahl vanishes in a ripple of darkness . . . so I guess Satan came and collected him. Anyway, Richard then takes the Crying Rock and places it in the middle Magic Box. The Rock turns transparent as it sinks into the box, and the green light vanishes. Richard once again blasts lightning and anti-lightning through the skrin bone, this time at the Magic Boxes. When he stops, all three Boxes are closed. \~/

For some reason \~/ this causes his collar to drop off.

Uh . . .

I got nothing.

Richard thinks that Kahlan is going to die, then realizes the day isn't over and takes off running. He encounters the five Dominatrices, plus Trimack and a bunch of soldiers, all battered and bloodied. Trimack congratulates Richard, saying *“It took a long time, but you did it.”*

Trimack elaborates that Richard has been in the Gardens for most of the day. *“We fought them fiercely for hours, but we were being pushed back. We were outnumbered ten or fifteen to one. Then you sent the lightning.”*

Just to expand on this silliness . . .*”hundreds of men”* are mentioned. Let's assume there are 300, just for a number to work with. This means that Trimack and his three hundred (plus five Dominatrices) held out for something like ten hours against a force of forty-five hundred.

Trimack continues, saying that *“Every one of those bastard generals who was loyal to Darken Rahl was cut down by the lightning The troops who fought on were ripped apart by it, too. Those who laid down their weapons and joined us were unharmed.”*

I can't even make fun of this properly. It's just a huge, blatant *deus ex machina.*

SOMEHOW, Richard's instinctive magic that he doesn't even know how to employ properly first channeled lightning throughout the People's Palace and read the thoughts and intentions of everyone in it. Then, the magic struck down the generals who were loyal to Darken Rahl. THEN, and only after killing the generals, Richard's omnipotent sorcery went after the common troops. HOWEVER, the magic bypassed those who stopped fighting and/or switched sides, because it can read hearts and minds. Thousands of them. Simultaneously. All while Richard was doing something totally unrelated.

\~/\~/\~/

I know this was supposed to show how big Richard's dick is awesome Richard's magic is. Instead, it shows that Terry Goodkind is a hack who either doesn't know or doesn't care how to end his story without a cheap, lazy cop-out instead of any sort of satisfying finale.

Oh, and this means that there are now at least 4,500 lightning-charred corpses littering up the Palace. That's got to stink.

Richard cuts the chit-chat short, since it's late afternoon he still hopes to save Kahlan. He runs to Red, who has an injured wing; she says she's grounded for a month. Richard tells her how great she is, orders the guards to protect her, and yells for a horse. Some of Trimack's boys get him a horse, provisions, and map to Aydindril, and send him on his way. Military efficiency; when it works, it's wonderful.

Oh, and Red reveals the fact that she just laid an egg.

And the chapter ends.

. . .

I'm sorry; WHAT?

Red just laid an egg? As in, just now? After she was shot down?

So she was flying into all this pregnant?! Not only pregnant, but the dragon equivalent of nine months pregnant and going into labor?

What . . . what the hell? What is that about? Why on earth would Goodkind drop something like that as an “oh, by the way”? What possible relevance does it have to the story?

\~/\~/\~/\~/

And doesn't this also mean there's a Mr Red out there somewhere? Sadly, we can only assume, since he will never be referred to again in the entire series. In fact, aside from one of Red's spawn making a cameo in a later book, Red is the only dragon we will ever see or hear referred to ever.

*grumble grumble*

Stupid book.

Drinks: 13

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