2017 Power Rankings-Week 5

<---2017 Power Rankings-Week 4...2017 Power Rankings-Week 6--->

## Introduction

The NFL has gotten too big for its own good. And by that I mean the players on the field are unhealthily large. ACLs are tearing left and right. People are in and out of the hospital. Every week someone is busting a hip like an old lady at the nursing home. The players are massive and fast, and as a result we are in week four and already have teams looking like the Terminator at the end of Rise of the Machines.

## Jinxes and Curses: An In-Depth Analysis

Curses are what’s hot in the street right now. But before we all go around accusing one jinx or another, let’s get on the same page with what forces are at work in the LOC.

* The Wrath of the Fantasy Gods - Do not confuse the will of the Gods with the Matt Jinx. The Fantasy Gods often punish those who talk shit prematurely. Exhibit A: The wrath of the fantasy gods is Pain Train going on LOC Gameday to call out the commissioner for ranking him 5th, only to fall from 1st to 5th in the standings two days later. He forgot that the Commish only writes the rankings, the Gods determine the order every week.
* The Pat Curse - You can also call this the "four-4-for" curse. The Pat Curse applies only to Paddock 9 and it guarantees that one player drafted in the first ***four*** rounds will get hurt in the first ***4*** weeks and be out ***for*** the rest of the season. Possibly levied on him by the Fantasy Gods for tapping into dark forces in the Mirror Universe League.
* The Even Year Curse - A since lifted curse that plagued RIPDab and was set upon him by the Fantasy Gods as punishment for his actions in 2011 and early in 2012.

* The Matt Jinx - We are all familiar with the Matt Jinx. And while it may play a part in other curses (i.e. The Pat Curse applies to the first four picks, but the Matt Jinx targeted Cook, perfect storm of Curse and Jinx), the jinx does not have intent or reason. It simply exists, striking any team at any time. Matt Jinxes can be instant or they can take years to develop. For example, remember that overweight woman I kept using gifs of last season?

Well, look where she is now…

Coincidence? Usually, I would say yes. But this isn't usual.

The Matt Jinx can strike anyone:

The Matt Jinx is a force separate from the Fantasy Gods.

## The Bust Zone

Bust Watch: Total Points for First Round Picks
 Le'Veon Bell
 DeVonte Freeman
 Antonio Brown
 AJ Green
 Jordy Nelson
 Odell Beckham Jr.
 DeMarco Murray
 Julio Jones
 David Johnson

Among all WR/TE/RBs in the league, Beckham currently ranks outside the top 30, while Murray and Jones are currently outside the top 50.

The holdout unquestionably affected Bell’s early performances, but he has turned it on the past few weeks.

## Stat Notes

LOC

* MMMS becomes the 4th team to reach 50 combined wins.
* JJS moves into 2nd on the list of longest losing streaks to start a season.
* GBM becomes the 6th team to record 40 regular season games over 200 points.

NFL

* Melvin Gordon...actually bad? 66% of Gordon's runs have gone two or fewer yards. That's tied for worst in the league.
* Among WRs this season, Amari Cooper is 18th in targets and 75th in fantasy points.
* Mike Evans is poised for a monster night against the Pats. He accounts for 46% of the Buc's red zone targets and the Patriots are allowing close to 3 pass TDs per game in the red zone.
* Tom Brady is leading the league in pass yards per game. In second?..Carson Palmer.
* Isaiah Crowell has finished in the top-12 among RBs just once in the last 16 games.
* Cobb has finished as a top-30 receiver in every game so far. He did so only three times all of last season.

## Rookie Rundown

Look, did the Rookie Rundown really cause Carson to break his ankle and Cook to tear his ACL this week? No, come on guys, not everything is a Matt Jinx.

Me ragging on Pat for drafting Cook and then finally admitting it was a good call is the reason Cook tore his ACL.

And me complaining privately to Zach that I almost pulled the trigger on Carson in week two and regretted not claiming him off waivers is the reason Carson broke his ankle.

Get it straight.

By the way...Mixon? BUM. TOTAL BUM.

## Survivor

Four teams eliminated this week! Papa, Dee and Pain Train are the only survivors remaining. Each has a single strike against them. Choose wisely!

## Roster Move-(Gate?)

Over the weekend Pain Train called out Paddock 9 for making way too many roster moves through the first four weeks of the season. Well, as the most hardworking commissioner in the history of fantasy football, I obviously had to compile this All-Time Single-Season Roster Move Records. Yes, this is quite a chart. Did I outchart myself? I think I did.

As you see, Paddock 9 has both the most roster moves in a season (49) and the fewest (1). As for this season? P9 is well on his way to breaking his own meaningless record.

As of this writing (I have to say that because by the time you read this the number will have changed) P9 has made 28 roster moves. That already ranks 11th out of 62. It’s only week five!!!

## Matchup Recap

**BOLD** strategy by momma to start Big Ben, who has finished as a top-10 QB against Baltimore just ONCE since 2010. But what does it matter who you start when you’re facing a team that would literally be winless if they played every team every week? Le’Veon Bell was a problem for MMMS in the opening weeks and now he’s a problem for the rest of us. While he and Zeke were tearing it up, starting JJS RBs DeMarco Murray and Jalen Richards were combining for 11.61.

No, sorry, that doesn’t do this blowout justice. Seven of JarJar’s players combined for 44.59 points. That’s only 80% of Le’Veon Bell’s score.

## The Rankings

### 1(2). Garoppoblow Me

Who is in first place through four weeks? Oh, me? Lil' ol' me?

This is familiar territory for GBM, who is 3-1 for the third straight season. So far it has not equated to playoff success. Good news though: In week five they are guaranteed to start their optimum lineup (their entire bench is on a bye).

### 2(1). The Shotti Bunch

Does Shotti have a WR problem? His top ranked receiver among all players is Danny Amendola at 123. He is one of three teams without a WR ranked in the top-100 (JJS and Sweet Dee). As for “the best ground and pound team in the league?” He owns three top-25 backs. That’s two fewer than RIPDab.

### 3(6). The Duck Punchers

DeAndre Hopkins has been the Todd Gurley of receivers, bouncing back mightily from his miserable 2016 campaign. AJ Green still can’t seem to get it going, but it speaks volumes that DP had this game in the bag before his super weapon Kareem Hunt even hit the field, and that he has continued to perform well even with poor outings by Derek Carr. Speaking of Carr...

### 4(3). RIPDab

RIP is banged up, with Baldwin, Crabtree, and Reed all nursing nagging injuries. But Dab still outscored six other teams this week, and Manning proved a savvy streaming option. Still, with Newton a bust (he can’t play NE Defense every week, sadly), can RIP survive streaming Defense and QB all season, and make it deep into the playoffs?

### 6(4). Paddock 9

Holy shit is Paddock 9 Cooked...Dalvin Cooked.

They are in HUGE trouble with the loss of Cook, especially when you consider the injury proneness of Gronkowski and Keenan Allen. With bench players cycled out multiple times a week like water through a pool filtration system, we may find ourselves looking back at Week Four as the sad turning point in Paddock 9’s promising season.

### 7(8). Papa’s Posse

If not for the awkward predicament of his QB going up against his defense on Monday night, PP could have very well pulled this one out against a limping Paddock 9. This team is playing like the 49ers; they are in every single game but can’t seem to pull it out.

### 8(7). Sweet Dee

I don’t know how it happened, but it happened. Like a druggie out of rehab slowly, subtly sinking back into their addiction, Sweet Dee went under the radar and started THREE FUCKING SAINTS PLAYERS...AGAIN WITH THIS SHIT!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Benched the win against the lowest score from The Shotti Bunch since November 30th, 2015. And what a perfect time to get the gang back together: The Saints now head into their bye week. Santa María, Madre de Dios, ruega por nosotros pecadores...Amen.

### 9(9). Ma ma momma said

It took a while, but momma finally picks up win number fifty, and the first overseas victory in franchise history. They also posted the 2nd highest score of the week, though they didn’t need it against the franchise that shall not be named (I’m afraid to catch it’s winlessness). Mostly, I'm just excited to finally have an excuse to use this gif.

Sorry, before we get to number 10 in the rankings, can we go back and talk about how Sweet Dee is off the wagon and starting all Saints players again? Stop DOING THAT! And I didn't even get into the fact that they started New England Defense...The worst defense in the league.

### 10(10). JarJar Stinks!

The lowest single season score in LOC history was posted in 2011 (during the 12 team era) by Paddock 9 and it was 2018.13. That's an average of 155.24 per game. Through four weeks, JJS is averaging 138.47 per game.

## Week Five Matchups

### The Undercards

#### Garoppoblow Me (204.64) vs. JarJar Stinks (181.99

What to Watch: This is a 2016 semi-finals rematch (won by JJS). This is a battle of first place vs. last place. This series is tied 2-2. This is the first of two matchups between these two teams. GBM has five starters on the bye. This has trap game written all over it.

#### RIPDab (199.32) vs. Papa's Posse (187.65)

What to Watch: This has always been a close matchup, with RIP owning a narrow 6-5 lead. This is a bubble war game (6 v 7). Both teams are banged up and PP is losing his QB and WR2 to the bye. Both teams coming off of a loss, but PP coming off of his first 200 point game of the season. RIP has five questionable players and no bench if someone goes down before gametime.

#### Sweet Dee (216.36) vs. Paddock 9 (210.70)

What to Watch: This longstanding rivalry, tied at 4-4, has always been a battle of mediocrity. Only once in their eight game history has one of the teams broken 200. These two teams, which have the lowest two winning percentages in league history, have a lot to prove this week. Sweet Dee, at 1-4, would be facing the possibility of missing playoffs for the fourth time in five years. Paddock 9, with a loss, would begin to look like a sinking ship out at sea. P9 won the infamous Dreamboard Game earlier this season.

#### Pain Train WOO WOO (221.05) vs. The Shotti Bunch (207.45)

What to Watch: This is a Glory Bowl III rematch. This is the only matchup in week five that features two teams with a winning record, and the only matchup that features two teams in playoff position. Pain Train has not beaten TSB since 2014 and is 2-5 against them. Shotti is coming off his worst performance in two years, and PT is coming off his first loss of the season. Shotti has big bye week issues, and will resort to fantasy outcast Cam Newton. Meanwhile, PT is at full strength, but is still trying to figure out his TE situation. This is the first of two matchups between these two squads.

### The Main Event

#### The Duck Punchers (224.18) vs. ma ma momma said (220.39)

* 2017 Records
	+ The Duck Puncher: 3-1
	+ ma ma momma said: 1-3
* Head-to-Head Record
	+ Duck Punchers Wins: 9
	+ ma ma momma said Wins: 2
* Key Players on Bye (DP)
	+ 0
* Key Players on Bye (MMMS)
	+ Denver Defense
* Key Injuries (DP)
	+ Derek Carr (out)
* Key Injuries (MMMS)
	+ 0
* Players to Watch (DP)
	+ Dak Prescott - Can Carr's replacement provide this team with more production out of the QB spot?
	+ Kareem Hunt - This is the player to watch every week. He now faces a D giving up an average of 96 YPG to RBs.
	+ Duke Johnson Jr. - He might be more WR than RB, but he is a boom-threat for Cleveland against a terrible Jets run defense.
* Players to Watch (MMMS)
	+ Jay Ajayi - Oh, this guy is a fucking problem. He is dealing with a knee injury, and he has no bye this season. He is close to being benchable.
	+ Jameis Winston - J-Dub looks to join the feast against the Pats on Thursday night. It will set the pace for the rest of the matchup.
	+ Le'Veon Bell - Look, Bell cannot sustain a whole season of 35 carries a game. But, against the team giving up the 3rd-most fantasy points to RBs, I guess one more 40 touch game can't hurt, right?

These two have met just three times since Glory Bowl IV in December, 2014, and DP has won every game. In fact, it has now been over four years since momma has defeated Duck Punchers.

These two met in week one, and the result was not what momma expected when he came on LOC Gameday and told DP "it doesn't take a hero to punch a duck." After getting his face punched in, to the tune of 205.63-157, momma is back for an early rematch.

Duck Punchers is coming off a big win against the only undefeated team in the league, and momma is coming off a big win against the only winless team in the league. While Duck Punchers is favored, great matchups with Bell and Winston cloud the ceiling for momma. If they pull the upset they are back in the playoff conversation.