Returning to Civilization

**Returning to Civilization**is a scene wherein the boat prepares its return to the Boathouse.

## Location

### **Disneyland**

*Main article:  Disneyland's Jungle Cruise*

[Text.]

### **Magic Kingdom**

*Main article:  Magic Kingdom's Jungle Cruise*

The scene takes place on the Amazon, after Trader Sam , but before disembarking from the boat.

## Spiel

### **Disneyland**

Now, folks, comes the most dangerous part of our journey:  civilization and the California freeways.

* And women drivers.

These two smiling native boys will assist you from the boat.  Those of you on the water side, exit to the rear, and those of you on the dock side, just exit to the front.  Please step lively, though; our boat is rapidly sinking.

I hope you've enjoyed your *Jungle Cruise*, and don't miss our neighboring attraction:  Walt Disney's *Enchanted Tiki Room*, an exciting tropical adventure you'll enjoy.

Please keep your arms inside the boat, as we sometimes scrape the dock.

Please make sure you have all your personal belongings--camera, purses, small children--anything left aboard for more than three days, we throw to the crocodiles.  And men, if your mother-in-law is still aboard, you've missed a golden opportunity.

### **Magic Kingdom**

#### **Unload's Introduction**

Now comes the most dangerous part of our journey: the return to civilization! Who knows what awaits you there?

Well, explorers, it looks like our fun-filled and romantic cruise is finally coming to an end.

We saw some big, hairy things in the jungle today, and now we'll see some big, hairy things on the dock. These are our friendly boat unloaders!

This'll be my third attempt at docking. [The skipper indicates the wrecked boat beside the Boathouse.] That was my first attempt. My second attempt was when I got my pay docked for my first attempt.

[The skipper indicates the wrecked boat beside the Boathouse.] She used to be called "the Jungle Mist." Then I tried to dock her, and now she's called "Just Mist."

Skippers [the skipper at front unload's name] and [the skipper at back unload's name] are on the dock, and they're going to do the Zulu Dance of Happiness! Hit it!

* [The skippers at unload stand, motionless and blank.] Well...it needs a little work, but good jobs, guys!

#### **Safety**

Please keep your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the boat.

* If you get caught between the boat and the dock, you could experience pier pressure
	+ I'll let that sink in for a moment.

* You've made it this far with 'em!

* We don't want to scratch the dock.

Speaking of which, how about giving yourself a big hand for surviving? And while you're at it, give one to me!

#### **Instructions**

As we round the corner, you'll notice that we have two docks: one on the left, one on the right. I know that's confusing...it's a pair-o'-docks...but you'll be exiting on the side where that pair-o'-dorks is waiting to help you out.

Exit out the door through which you entered.

* [The skipper indicates the guests on the starboard side.] You folks, please exit out the front door.

* [The skipper indicates the guests on the port side.] You folks, please exit out the back door.

Those of you seated on the water-side of the boat, please exit to the rear. Those of you seated on the dock-side, please exit to the front.

Don't cross over the crates in the center. You could trip, and you've already had one bad trip on this boat; do you really want another?

Make sure you have all your personal belongings, like cameras and purses and small children. Anything left aboard will be thrown screaming to the crocodiles. I don't know if you've ever heard a camera scream, but it's terrifying.

Up on the dock: two of the world's largest pygmies in captivity will assist you from your boat.

#### **Park Advertisements**

[If the parade hasn't happened yet:]  Be sure to catch the parade today!  That said, if you do catch it, be sure to let it go.  It'll drag you from Main Street to Frontierland in under fifteen minutes!

[If the fireworks haven't happened yet:]  Be sure to catch the fireworks tonight!  That said, if you do catch them, let them go.  They can be very hot.

[If the parade or fireworks have already happened:] Don't forget about the (parade / fireworks show)! It's over, but I don't want you to forget it. It was a good one!

#### ***Jungle Cruise* Advertisements**

Please tell your friends how much you enjoyed *the Jungle Cruise*! It helps keep our line short.

If your mother-in-law is still aboard, you've missed a golden opportunity, but just bring her back later for our Mother-in-Law Special: half-way for half fare...no questions asked.

If anybody in your party gives you trouble today, bring 'em back! We have a special: half-way for half fare...no questions asked. Parents, remember that. [Quietly:] Kids, you remember that, too!

Join us next week as we go in search of the Great Peruvian Handkerchief! Let's hope we don't blow it.

Don't forget to enter our *Jungle Cruise* drawing! The winner will receive a free case of malaria!

If you're passing by *the Jungle Cruise* later today, I understand.

#### **Sponsors**

Today's cruise has been brought to you by...

* ...Animal Crackers: teaching children everywhere that all animals taste the same!
	+ Delicious!
* ...the Miracle Boat Engine Company: if it gets you all the way around the jungle, it must be a Miracle!
* ...the Cannibal Cafe: always thinking of new and exciting ways to serve you!
* ...Zebra Jerky: the every-other white meat!

#### **Wordplay**

A gentleman visits the witch doctor. He's got a grape up one nostril, and a banana up the other. He's got a mango in one ear, he's got a watermelon in the other. He says, "Witch Doctor, you must help me; I'm not feeling well!" And the witch doctor says, "Of course not. You're not eating right."

A word of advice: never play poker in the jungle. There are way too many cheetahs. It's true! I spotted 'em myself! And they keep lion.

If you're gonna sleep over in the jungle, don't eat cookies in bed. You'll have a crummy night's sleep. C'mon, folks I'm new here in the jungle. I worked in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. They said I couldn't concentrate. It was probably all the strain. Every day, the same boring rind. That job was the pits. Then I worked for a muffler factory, but I got exhausted, so I quit, and boy, the boss was fuming! I tried working as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. I took it home and put it over the fireplace. Of course, then my family demanded that I go back to med school, but I just didn't have the patients. I opened a little bakery downtown, but I didn't really knead the dough, so I shut it down. That was depressing, so I joined the circus, but the trapeze artist let me down. I bounced back, though. That's when I got my job here.

Here's a joke for you psychics out there! [Silence.]

#### ***Jingle Cruise***

*Main article: Jingle Cruise*

Now comes the most dangerous part of our journey:

* the return of the sweater that doesn't fit!

* the jungle stampede of last-minute holiday shoppers!

Helping you out of the boat today are a couple of...

* ...Thanksgiving turkeys.
* ...holiday hams.

Thank you for your presence today. That's right; anything you leave behind will be considered a present.

Here, I'll perform a good old-fashioned Christmas carol for you. Ready? Ahem. "Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it. And Scrooge’s name was good upon ’Change, for anything he chose to put his hand to. Old Marley was--" [The skipper notices the audience is disinterested.] Wow. You guys had *Great Expectations*, huh?

This New Year's Eve: fireworks! Dancing! Festivities! Good times had by all! ...will not be found here. Just malaria and elephants. Lots of elephants.

Be sure to sign up for our Thanksgiving Cruise. We're going to Turkey!

Come back on New Year's Eve, when we'll attempt the impossible: time travel! We'll leave the dock at 11:55pm in 1938, and return, minutes later, in the futuristic year of 1939!

A gentleman visits the witch doctor. He's got a candy cane up one nostril, and a chestnut up the other. He's got a sugarplum in one ear, he's got a roast turkey in the other. He says, "Witch Doctor, you must help me; I'm not feeling well!" And the witch doctor says, "Of course not. You're not eating right."