Plan 9 & Hardware Wars (2021 Version)

"*What is unexplainable today will be inexplicable tomorrow. They laughed at the horseless carriage, television, transistor radio, 8-track tape players, clowns, chimpanzees, poodles in...little...ballerina tutus...and yes, they even laughed at tonight's picture,* Plan 9 from Outer Space*. Well Mr. Lobo assures you: no one's laughing now.*"
—Mr. Lobo

## The Episode

A very special episode befitting the quintessential misunderstood movie, *Plan 9 from Outer Space!* Ed Wood's classic plays in a double feature with Ernie Fosselius's classic, *Hardware Wars*, with additional material that supplements both movies -- an original interview with Ed Wood muse Conrad Brooks, and original material featuring Ernie Fosselius and *Hardware Wars* stars Chewchilla the Wookiee Monster and Artie-Deco.

## Plan 9 & Hardware Wars (2021 Version)

### Producers

Mr. Lobo
Aaron M. Lane
Ernie Fosselius
Tom Wyrsch
Sci-Fi Bob Eckman
Ron Petersen
Bill Swan

### Presented in

*Wood-O-Vision*, *Edward-D-Colorization*, and *3-Cheese Dementia*

### Secret message

"16-23-8-3-15-8 4-7-17 14 15-11-8 11-15, 2-8-7-1-2-8!"

### Wraps

**Wrap 1**

Mr. Lobo introduces a double feature of the "worst" film ever made (Plan 9 from Outer Space, presented in Wood-O-Vision, Edward-D-Colorization, and 3-Cheese Dementia!), and the "best" film ever made (Star Wars). But if George Lucas tries to stand in his way, Mr. Lobo is prepared to play hardball by invoking his legal status as a living saint! (To show *Hardware Wars* instead.)

**Wrap 2**

Mr. Lobo presents an exclusive interview with the "guerilla satirist" behind *Hardware Wars* (and *Cinema Insomnia* friend and collaborator), Ernie Fosselius! He's here to talk about his new career as an Official Hollywood Has-Been and *Cinema Insomnia* janitor. And Mr. Lobo has a surprise: he's letting Ernie go! And Ernie's nemesis, alleged *Hardware Wars* plagiarist George Lucas is in the studio!

**Wrap 3**

This controversy's finally going to be hashed out tonight as Mr. Lobo presents, side-by-side, clips from *Hardware Wars* (1971) and *Star Wars* (1977) so that viewers can decide for themselves: *plagiarism, or coincidence?* Confronted with indisputable evidence, George Lucas comes clean. And now presented in its entirety: *Hardware Wars!*

**Wrap 4**

Mr. Lobo's back, and with him is *Hardware Wars* star, Chewchilla, the Wookiee Monster! What follows is the most lurid, cutest tale of addiction and despair since *Meet the Feebles*.

**Wrap 5**

On location in Conrad Brooks's house, Mr. Lobo is with the one and only Conrad Brooks!

**Wrap 6**

Mr. Lobo's interview with Conrad Brooks continues. Conrad relates some history behind how *Plan 9 from Outer Space* came about. (Rhymes with "Daptists.")

**Wrap 7**

The Brooks interview continues, but unfortunately we do not get a chance to see his neighbors in bikinis. (You may be able to find pictures of people in bikinis on the Internet, #notsponsored.)

**Wrap 8**

The Brooks interview pops back in for just a moment, but it's a great moment!

**Wrap 9**

Mr. Lobo's back in the Void, engaged in hot and heavy contract negotiations with Miss Mittens, which he puts on hold (the floor) for Insomniac Mail Sac! (Editor's note: One of my all-time favorite Insomniac Mail Sacs. Love, Editor.)

**Wrap 10**

Mr. Lobo's interview with Conrad Brooks divulges some deep insights into Mr. Brooks: it's not his style to hit people over the head. Bank on it!

**Wrap 11**

Conrad Brooks reminisces about his friendship with Ed Wood. Did he ever hit Ed Wood over the head? He doesn't say, but I strongly doubt it.

**Wrap 12**

Mr. Lobo reminds us that tonight's feature is presented in Wood-O-Vision and Edward-D-Colorization, and smells what may be cheese.

**Wrap 13**

Conrad Brooks provides background on the shooting of *Plan 9 from Outer Space*...literally! Well, figuratively. He talks about the background of the graveyard set a little bit.

**Wrap 14**

The conclusion of Mr. Lobo's interview with Conrad Brooks. Mr. Lobo expresses his philosophy that "they're not bad movies, just misunderstood," but Conrad's not so sure.

**Wrap 15**

Mr. Lobo's experimenting with some artisinal hand-made sound design. The director likes it and so do I! Back to the movie!

**Wrap 16**

Mr. Lobo is again in the haunted foyer(?), channeling Rod Serling with chilling words of wisdom and chimpanzees.

**Wrap 17**

Mr. Lobo has an electrode gun! What do electrode guns do? Let's hope we never have to find out. NOW, THE EPIC CONCLUSION OF *PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE*!

**Wrap 18**

Mr. Lobo's on the phone complaining that Criswell got to wrap the movie. Personally I think Criswell got his name from styling his hair with Crisco, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, that's it!

### Ads

* Candles, Krankor and You
* Rad Abrams, Skate Board Attorney
* Toddy malted chocolate milk drink
* Chilly Dilly ("The Personality Pickle")
* Rad Abrams, Skate Board Attorney
* Used cars? ("Surprise")
* C3PO will judge you if you smoke!
* ''Cinema Insomnia'' bumper with Dave Attell
* Mr. Bubble bubble bath
* "Treasure and Curves", for jewelry. (Directed by Edward D. Wood, Jr)
* Hershey chocolate (Try not to think about how the ghost is a dead child)
* PAAS Halloween Make-Up Kits

### Trailers

* *Dr. Strangelove* (1964)
* *Galaxy of Terror* (1981)
* *Star Wars: The Rise of Jar Jar* (not yet)
* *The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed Up Zombies* (1964)
* *Mars Attacks* (1996)
* *Night of the Ghouls* (1959)
* *Gigantis: The Fire Monster* (1959)
* *Glen or Glenda* (1953)
* *Message from Space* (1978)
* *The Undertaker and His Pals* (1966)
* *Plan 9* (starring Mr. Lobo!) (2015)

### Shorts

* Bob Wilkins interview of Ernie Fosselius on *Creature Features*

### Cast

* Mr. Lobo...Mister Lobo
* Conrad Brooks...himself
* Ernie Fosselius...himself
* Chewchilla, "George Lucas"...Ernie Fosselius

### Quotes

"*Not only is this for educational purposes, but given my legal status as a saint in the Church of Ed Wood, it is my right to show your film, Star Wars, tonight. If you try to stop me, I will unleash a fury a thousand times more embarrassing than the Wookiee Hanukkah Special, The Indiana Embryo Adventures, and the Ewoks Droids Smurfs Globetrotters Cartoon Hour COMBINED.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*This is the sci-fi classic,* Plan 9 from Outer Space, *starring Maila Nurmi, Tor Johnson, um...what was that guy's name? Something Manlove? (Doesn't matter, keep going!) Okay, Something Manlove, and what was it, Joanna Cassidy? (Yeah, sure.) And Brad Pitt, and a bunch of other people. And it's great. Well, not really great, but, well, it's* Plan 9*. (Excellent!)* From Outer Space. *(Good job!)*"
—Mr. Lobo and his director, Ernie Fosselius
"*Not everybody can make an 'A' picture. Not everybody can make a 'B' picture.*"
—Conrad Brooks
"*Well why does pretty boy get to wrap the movie? I mean I'm the host here! I mean he comes on and does this, y'know, 'you may never know it, but someone at the bus or at the laundrymat may be a spaceman, and, goodnight, and may heaven bless us in the future,' and all this stuff, and, so now what do I say?*"
—Mr. Lobo, complaining about Criswell

## *Plan 9 from Outer Space*

### Cast

Gregory Walcott
Bela Lugosi
Maila Nurmi
Tor Johnson
Lyle Talbot
Criswell

### Premiere date

March 15, 1957 (as Grave Robbers From Outer Space)
July 22, 1959 (as Plan Nine From Outer Space)

## *Hardware Wars*

### Produced by

Ernie Fosselius
Michael Wiese

### Cast

Scott Mathews
Cindy Furgatch (Freeling)
Jeff Hale
Bob Knickerbocker
Frank Robertson