The Journey So Far/Chapter 4: Year of Sacrifice (2013)

Alright, 2013. The year I changed my life forever. After the events of last year, I went into the next year with such excitement and confidence. I had a fiancé, good health, and something new was brewing. First, by proposing to my ex, this meant that wedding plans were in order. A lot of planning, stress, and drama between my ex and I arose because of this. We had never really fought or argued that much before, but when we became engaged, something changed. Our relationship became harder to deal with. Even so, we still had fun with the planing and kept moving forward.

A few weeks into the new year, my friends started to drift away. I take some blame for this because I was getting more focused on other aspects of life and didn't make it a priority to stay connected. For that, I am sorry. EXO Sphere Studios started to fade and was almost non-existent. This left a creative hole in my soul. I needed something to fill it up. That's when I made one of the biggest decisions that would alter the course of my future forever. I went on YouTube and made my channel. What, that's it, you ask? To add to that, I made it a Godzilla-centered channel. Now I know I've lost some of you. Well, this will all make sense soon. Stay with me. I promise.

As a kid, Godzilla made a major impact on my life. It is the one fictional franchise that I love the most. I had a small Godzilla collection of VHS', DVDs, toys, books, and other merchandise of the giant lizard. On January 18th, 2013 I made a YouTube channel called, "GojiFan1993". At the time it sounded cool, ok? Give me a break. Anyways, the channel was originally just going to be posting Godzilla movie trailers, gaming content, and other related media. The channel then evolved to me showing my face on camera where I made an internet personality. I took my creative flow from EXO Sphere Studios and used that to fuel the channel. The only difference is, this channel started to take off! I kept making videos on Top 10s, Reviews, Let's Plays, and all other types of content you can find on YouTube. I just put a Godzilla twist on it. A few months passed by and I started to amass a big following. My name was starting to rise through the ranks of my fellow "Godzilla YouTubers". I started to become obsessed with numbers and attention. I never felt like a cool kid until now. The feeling was intoxicating and addicting. It started to take over my life. I sold a lot of my gaming collection and replaced it with more Godzilla merchandise and did what they call, "unboxing" videos. This is where I would show off what I just bought to my viewers. These got a lot of attention and so I bought more and more. Everything in my life started to take a back seat to this YouTube thing, including the one thing I should have kept my top priority, my ex.

My ex began to notice my lack of focus on her and too much focus on this fictional character. This is when our relationship started to fall into pieces. If I would have just realized it sooner before it was too late. The other casualty of GojiFan93 included EXO Sphere Studios and my relationships with my friends. EXO Sphere Studios officially shut down and was gone. With that, so did contact with my friends. It wasn't complete silence, but it was close. What made it worse was my new YouTube channel got partnered and was beginning to make money. Me being the hot-headed, ego-filled kid, I quit my job and tried to make YouTube my only source of income. That was an awful idea. Never, and I mean NEVER bank on YouTube as your only source of income. Now that my finances were in jeopardy because I would only be spending it on Godzilla merchandise, my ex and her family began to get worried, well, more worried than usual. Anytime my ex would try to talk to me about how the channel was starting to get in the way of our relationship, I would dismiss her every time. I was a jerk. No way around it. My ego was filling up past the point of no return. The end of 2013 was approaching and my success with GojiFan93 was continuing to rise, while everything else was falling. I was just too blind to notice. I was building an empire on the ashes of my life and was ignorant of it happening.

For example, there was one night that I will never forget that illustrates just how bad it got. It was a late night and I was doing a Livestream with some of my newfound "Godzilla internet friends". My ex came to me at my parents house (that I was still living in... pathetic, right?) and wanted me to come with her family to a dinner or some kind of event. I told her I was "too busy" online. She was destroyed by this response. She ran out crying. Before she got away, I told her I would meet her at the door and say goodnight. I guess she thought I said, I'll go with her. Major miscommunication. I went outside and she was right next to her family's car and I kissed her goodbye. She then asked, "Are you coming?" I looked at her confused and told her no because I was still busy with my online activity. I will never forget the look on her face. The look of complete devastation and rejection. I knew from this point that the damage I made was unrepairable. I left her tearing up as she went into her family's car and drove off. Yea, great job, Chris. I still to this day have not forgiven myself for that night. What was next to come would be the worst year of my life.

**< Prev        |        Next >**