Pinewood Snelly

**Pinewood Snelly** (1822-1975) was an American businessman, circus leader, entrepreneur, collector, musician, writer, mass murderer, and thief.

## Biography (Early Years)

Pinewood Snelly was born in the territory that would become Alaska in 1822 to James "Sinister" Caplin and Margaret "Screamer" Caplin. The Caplins were recluses who interacted very little with the nearest village, Trensdale. They sustained themselves primarily on hunting and farming, although their house was far larger than any in Trensdale. It is unknown how they accumulated their wealth, but what is known is that they owned a collection of anachronistic items such as cars, telephones, and televisions. Without the electricity to power these items, the Caplins kept them stored in the basement.

When Pinewood Snelly was 3 years old, his parents disappeared without a trace and Pinewood was left in the snowy, labyrinthine mansion for 18 years, unable to find a way out. It is unknown how Pinewood was able to feed himself or procure water during this time. Pinewood was only able to escape when his uncle, Trooby Dander Caplin, decided to visit his brother. Trooby found the house a disaster, and spent 8 years exploring it. In the winter of the 8th year, Trooby discovered Pinewood in a distant corner of the house, hunkered down, surrounded by thousands of televisions sets, all on despite not being attached to any sort of generator. Disturbed by the sight of these televisions (as it was on 1843), Trooby fled the mansion. Pinewood followed him, and was able to leave, seeing the sun for the first time.

As a nearly feral child, Pinewood had a difficult time finding work or a means to support himself in Trensdale. It seems that during the time Pinewood was in the mansion, he was able to view television shows from the late 1970s to the late 1990s on the mysterious TV sets. His entire mind, culture, and upbringing was molded by these shows. Needless to say, it was nearly impossible for him to interact with the villagers of Trensdale, as he did not understand their culture, and they did not understand his.

In 1850, at the age of 28, Pinewood was able to repair and activate one of his parents automobiles. It is known that he drove this vehicle, a 1982 Mercury Sable, to the bustling city of Los Angeles during the height of the Gold Rush. Surprised by the vehicle and it's speed, the citizens of Los Angeles distrusted Pinewood. Pinewood was still unable to find work, but in the year 1853, he was able to secure a job as a hotel keeper at the prestigious Pinewood Hotel. This is most likely where he adopted his first name, but the origins of the last name "Snelly" are unknown. Some suspect that Snelly was the name of his lover during the time he resided in Los Angeles.

Pinewood spent the next 7 years working at the hotel. By this time he was 38, yet still strangely appeared to be only in his early 20s. Growing bored with the Pinewood Hotel, he decided to start a series of businesses around the Los Angeles area that would cater to the miners who were still pouring into the city. Between 1860 and 1880, Pinewood started nineteen businesses in the Los Angeles area. All of these business quickly failed due to Pinewood's increasing penchant for mixing "cursed" items into the shops' inventories, as well as the inclusion of 1990s items which were incomprehensible to the customers of these shops. Here is a list of the shops opened before 1880:

1. Pinewood Snelly's Pickaxes and Gunpowder
2. Pinewood Snelly's Guns and Ammo
3. Pinewood Snelly's Umbrellas and Potatoes
4. Pinewood Snelly's Model Trains and Underwear
5. Pinewood Snelly's Wooden Planks
6. Pinewood Snelly's Carefully Crafted Doll Faces
7. Pinewood Snelly's Vein Dolls
8. Pinewood Snelly's Taxidermy and Preserved Nervous Systems
9. Pinewood Snelly's Tailoring
10. Pinewood Snelly's Skin Tailoring
11. Pinewood Snelly's Creepy House of Fun
12. Pinewood Snelly's Elephant Mask Room
13. Pinewood Snelly's Building of Hatred
14. Pinewood Snelly's Beautiful, Oh So Beautiful Razor Emporium
15. Pinewood Snelly's Ancient Globes
16. Pinewood Snelly's Glass and Antique Store (Resulted in the death of at least 35 people)
17. Pinewood Snelly's Piano Shop (Resulted in the death of at least 41 people)
18. Pinewood Snelly's Lamp Store (Resulted in the death of at least 9 people)
19. Pinewood Snelly's Extravaganza! (Resulted in the death of an entire family, six people in total)

By 1880, the police were growing extremely suspicious of Pinewood's chain stores that were opening seemingly every year. Of course, Pinewood was the prime suspect in every death that occurred due to his stores' cursed items, but Pinewood by this point was wealthy beyond belief and was able to hire the best lawyers in Los Angeles.

For unknown reasons, in 1881, Pinewood left Los Angeles and traveled to Pecos, Texas, where he started "Pinewood Snelly's Travelling Rodeo and Clown Show!" At the age of 54, Pinewood should have been showing his age, but still appeared to be no older than a mid-twenty-year-old man. The rodeo traveled among Texas, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Colorado before eventually ceasing in 1885 due to the deaths of seven bull-riders who were gored to death by what Pinewood liked to call "my good-old black bulls." The black bulls, with a darker coat than any currently known species, were prone to fits of rage and incessant screaming. It's suspected that the black bulls were procured during the Civil War, as a gift to Pinewood from General Grant, although these claims have not been substantiated.

In 1886, a US Federal Marshal by the name of Wayne Ingram, tracked down Pinewood Snelly after reviewing the many deaths that occurred in Los Angeles, years before. Mr. Ingram found Pinewood, destitute after spending his fortune on the now-defunct rodeo, under a bridge in Pecos, Texas, wrapped in a blanket and holding a small porcelain doll covered in what appeared to be a human nervous system. Mr. Ingram immediately arrested Pinewood and took him to the local Pecos jail. Pinewood used to the doll's power to phase himself through the walls of the Pecos jail and took to hunting down Mr. Ingram, who was staying at the nearby Railroad Inn. Pinewood brutally murdered Mr. Ingram and left the doll in the room. It is suspected that the doll was later retrieved by The Birthdaymeister, but for what purpose can only be guessed at.

Pinewood's activities for the next fourteen years are unknown. Many suspect that he traveled the countryside, looking for more victims to create his cursed items with. Others suppose that he turned to studying the works of The Mad Monk of Barcelona, in order to understand why time was not aging him. And still others suspect that perhaps he was working on some grand scheme, in order to fulfill his sinister plans.

All we truly know, is that in the year 1900, well, he returned. And he returned big-time.

At the turn of the century, Pinewood opened the greatest extravaganza of all time, a series of world's fairs/parties occuring simultaneously in Paris, Milan, Los Angeles, New York City, Pecos, Rio de Janeiro, Atlantis, and Sydney. Each event attracted millions of visitors. No one knows how Pinewood was able to coordinate and execute such a massive series of events, but what we do know is that they would culminate into one of the most horrific and tragic events of our age. During the endless festivities going on in the world's major cities, Pinewood Snelly hired 25,000 Scrunt-Folk per event to attack the visitors. More can be read in the article on the 1900 World Disaster. *Todo: Add Article*

## Biography (Later Years)

In 1910, at the age of 88, still appearing to be a man of perhaps 30 years of age, Pinewood Snelly atoned for his horrendous attacks on the world's fairs that he had set up as nightmarish traps. To atone, he sent $500B worth of gold bars to France, $500B worth of gold bars to the United States, and $50B in silver bars to each city that was affected independently. In ratio of wealth to size, Pecos of course was the greatest, and this helped turn Pecos from a dusty prairie town into a thriving metropolis that still stands today as one of the largest cities in the world.

In 1911, oddly forgiven by every major world government, Pinewood Snelly started the largest and most successful circus that the world has ever known. This circus was known as the Blue Big Top Event (*Todo: Add Article*) and featured a host of unique and wonderful acts. Pinewood was able to gather thousands of beasts, creatures, abominations, and beings from many dimensions, realms, planes, and spheres of power. He also collected hundreds of individuals with strange and awesome powers to appear in his various Freak Shows.

The Blue Big Top Event traveled around the United States by the way of the Golden Train, designed and constructed by Pinewood himself. The Golden Train was conducted by the shadowy individual, Trainface, who was able to assimilate his body with the train in order to power and maintain it. It is rumored that Trainface gained his odd train-conducting powers from The Goat King, who gave him the Scroll of Gears. The Golden train possessed several unique properties which allowed the thousands of beings within to exist simultaneously without being crowded or fighting among themselves. Firstly, the Golden Train was much, much larger on the inside than it appeared to be from the outside. There were quarters and full suites for every single being, sometimes numbering upwards of 5000 residents, despite the train only having 10 standard-size passenger cars. Secondly, the Golden Train contained an engine that seemed to have a peaceful aura about it, causing the inherently hostile beings, especially those from foreign dimensions, to be calm and respectful, towards both Pinewood and the audience members.

The Blue Big Top Event lasted until 1940, where it eventually disintegrated due to peoples' waning interest in circus events, combined with the looming threat of Nazi Germany. For the 30 or so years that the Blue Big Top Event lasted, Pinewood was relatively peaceful, and no recorded deaths were associated with the circus itself. It is suspected that during this time Pinewood was preoccupied with more ephemeral matters, and did not bother himself with the mundane.

For the remaining years of his life, Pinewood retired to the countryside of England, where he committed himself to writing books and creating music. During these last years, Pinewood became close friends with Angie Caldstral, who he considered a friend and lover. However, her descent into madness may be to blame on her proximity with Pinewood and the vast collection of cursed items he had accumulated over the entirety of his life.

## Death

Pinewood Snelly died in 1975 at the age of 153. Upon enumeration of his estate, lawyers and police found over 25 million "cursed" objects in a great vault beneath his small Pecos, Texas home. Every item had been cataloged meticulously by Pinewood. Deciding that the vault was too dangerous to continue to explore and retrieve, police detonated mass amounts of explosives within the vault, destroying the cursed treasure trove forever. The police commissioner of Pecos died later than night.