Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 13

DO NOT PROTECT THIS PAGE (UNLESS I HAVE ADMINISTRATOR BACK) IN CASE I NEED TO EDIT PAGE ACCORDINGLY DUE TO POSSIBLE CHANGES IN THE DOCUMENT. Refer to the disclaimers in Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 1 for more information on why this page exists. It's important. But the gist is, I want to archive it/save my work somewhere, and please don't read if you want to wait until I release the finished product. Thank you.

*Pages 301-325*

Pesterlog

TT: John, are you ok?

TT: You seem a bit tentative.

EB: i'm fine i guess.

EB: since i got here i feel compelled to do these weird things i don't really want to do.

EB: by some kind of voice that i can't really even hear. i don't know, it is hard to explain.

TT: Perhaps the early symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like post-traumatic stress?

EB: yeah, maybe. who knows!

TT: Well, if you can pull yourself together, there are a few more things we should try.

TT: Like prototyping the Kernelsprite again, if possible.

TT: We should hurry. My laptop battery won't last forever.

EB: ok. i will go back inside.

EB: such a stressful game!

TT: I suppose it is stressful for me, too, but for different reasons.

TT: Actually, 'stressful' feels like a massive understatement in retrospect.

EB: i just can't wait to see my father again.

EB: i mean, not that i actually love his antics or anything..

EB: i just want him to be here.

TT: He is already here somewhere. I have told you this before.

EB: whatever.

EB: i just wish this game has a feature where your guardians can go with you.

EB: it might be barely impossible, but come on! this is advanced crap already! what's the problem??

TT: Yup. That is completely impossible. There's no conceivable way that it could be the truth.

EB: finally, about time you dropped the act!

EB: gonna go inside for real. let's see what else we can do to win!

> NO DON'T DO THAT. HOP OFF THIS LEDGE ON TO THAT CAR. (01274)

What? No! That sounds incredibly dangerous!

> ==>==>==>==>==> (01275)

Now you're just being a pest.

Which turnip truck did you just tumble out of, anyway?

Who are you?

> Years in the future, but not many… (01276)

An unsealed tunnel welcomes hot desert air into its stagnant depths.

The Wayward Vagabond climbs down this tunnel into some sort of facility.

He sees a machine shaped like a house. The top right screen shows John and his house, moments after he bit the apple.

WV recognizes the little machine in front of the screens as a keyboard. Caps Lock is on.

"BOY."

"YOU THERE. BOY."

Meanwhile in the present, Rose has updated her GameFAQs walkthrough.

"[A000] An Examination of the Basics

Upon connecting with the client user, you, the server user, will be met with a control panel allowing you to manipulate your co-player's environment. You will find that you are allowed to deploy four items at no expense. Three of these are rather large machines, and one is a punch card.

It's quite possible that you have already deployed some of these items before reading this. If this is the case, and you have activated the machine called the 'cruxtruder' such that it displays a countdown, YOU MUST PROCEED TO SECTION [A100] OF THIS WALKTHROUGH IMMEDIATELY. The life of the client user depends on it, and if your co-player has activated this device in your environment too, then yours does as well.

But if not, please refrain from doing anything with the cruxtruder, aside from merely deploying it. This will buy us some time to think things through properly, and to go over the basics of the game before you find your soft, easily-punctured head in the jaws of the lion.

As mentioned, there are four items to consider, each playing a role in a process which appears to have a singular purpose: to manufacture objects out of thin air. The designers of the game, judging by the language used, regard this process as a sort of alchemy. This may allude to complexities in the production process yet to present themselves. But for now, the variety of objects you are able to create remains quite limited.

The items in question are the CRUXTRUDER (again, tread lightly with this one), the TOTEM LATHE, the ALCHEMITER, and the PRE-PUNCHED CARD. I will describe how these devices work in conjunction with each other, and I will use the analogy of having a key made at a hardware store to help you understand.

First, deploy all of these objects in convenient proximity to each other. Be sure not to block doors or pathways with them. You can always 'revise' the dimensions of rooms to make space for them, but I'd advise against this, or even experimenting with the function. Doing so comes at the expense of 'build grist', a commodity which appears to be at a premium at the onset, and one you'd be best advised to save for later.

– THE CRUXTRUDER –

Removing the lid signals the moment your life becomes a great whirling batshit pandemonium, somewhat resembling the chaos of an especially ethnic wedding. Somewhere, a soused uncle deliberately shatters china on the floor. Muddy livestock is decorated, and then lost track of. The question 'Who's mule is this?' at times can be heard over the din. This is now your reality.

But aside from that, it marks the beginning of the process I am about to describe. The countdown begins, yes. Also, an entity called the 'Kernelsprite' is released. But neither of these things are all that relevant to this process, to my knowledge. More on these things later.

What is relevant is the un-lidded cruxtruder's ability to dispense 'cruxite dowels'. It will dispense at least one, though I suspect it is capable of producing more, given parameters I'm not yet familiar with. In my key-making analogy, these dowels represent the uncarved pieces of metal which the hardware store employee retrieves from a drawer or a rack, and sets about carving into a key. The two following items are needed to do the carving.

– THE PRE-PUNCHED CARD –

It is a simple sylladex card containing an item. There is evidence to suggest the specific item it contains is variable from session-to-session. The card I deployed contained a blue apple. Yours may be different. It shouldn't matter, hopefully.

Additionally, the card as you may guess is 'punched', like one used with antique computing systems. The pattern of holes comprises data, which I believe corresponds to the instructions for creating the item the card contains. That it is 'pre-punched' suggests there is a way to punch an un-punched card, possibly imprinting it with the data for the item it contains, though no mechanism for this has presented itself yet.

But the data on the card cannot be used to create the item directly. There is a middleman. That middleman is the totem lathe.

– THE TOTEM LATHE –

This is essentially the key carving machine. It will carve into your cruxite dowel a pattern of grooves and contours, the sort which makes a key unique. The instructions for this pattern are supplied by the punch card, which is inserted into the lathe pre-activation to configure its chisels.

Once the dowel is carved, you have a totem serving as your 'key', which can then be used to 'unlock' the card item through the alchemiter. But at this point, I will diverge from the key-making analogy and switch to a bar code analogy. Which is not a terribly strenuous leap to make, since the concepts of a key and a bar code are essentially the same – one being a unique pattern of grooves; the other, of varying black lines.

– THE ALCHEMITER –

If you place a cruxite dowel, carved or uncarved, on the alchemiter's small pedestal, its robotic arm will scan the contours with a laser. Hence the bar code analogy. This is the machine's way of reading the data originally imprinted from the card, and transforming that data into a physical object.

Though typically, this is not done without expense, I believe. An uncarved dowel results in the creation of a 'perfectly generic object', which is a seemingly useless green cube. It costs two units of build grist to make, and I do not advise you to waste resources on it. There appears to be many other varieties of grist, ostensibly used in combinations to create different sorts of items, which possibly offers some insight into the game's use of the term 'alchemy'.

But quite conveniently, there is an exception to this. Creating the item on the pre-punched card costs nothing. This is good, because creating this item turns out to be essential.

Now that you know this, you can in your own time begin the process. Once you initiate it, naturally there is no going back, so best to be prepared. But you probably shouldn't drag your feet too long. As I mentioned earlier, this is your only means of escape.

When you're ready, be prepared to follow the steps in the next section swiftly.

[A100] So your cruxtruder is ticking. Do this to live."

In the distance, meteorites fall with greater frequency. The fire in the forest burns so hot, not even the rain is putting it out!

> Rose: Check status of battery. (01277)

Your LAPTOP BATTERY is alright for now, but it won't be for long.

If the power in the house doesn't come back on, you can think of one last resort: the small BACKUP GENERATOR stored behind the MAUSOLEUM.

> Rose: Prototype sprite with Betty Crocker box. (01278)

Pesterlog

EB: what? oh man, you're going to use that?

EB: that sucks, what a stupid idea!

TT: We have to hurry along. I'm running low on battery power.

EB: but the cake mix... ugh, that's so dumb.

TT: I doubt it matters.

TT: We might as well just use any old crap lying around.

EB: fine.

EB: i GUESS.

The SPRITE is playing hard to get! You guess that's what you get for originally prototyping it with something that engenders mischief and pranksterism!

> DO THE POTTED VEGETABLE INSTEAD. IT LOOKS DELICIOUS. (01279)

Pipe down, you. This is Rose's decision, not yours!

> Rose: Prototype sprite with Sassacre text. (01280)

Pesterlog

EB: OH YES, SWEET!!

EB: now we're talking!

TT: See if you can distract it.

TT: I'll try to sneak up on it.

> JOHN FLAIL ABOUT IN A DISTRACTING MANNER. (01281)

The SPRITE finds the DISTRACTING MANNER in which you FLAIL ABOUT to be rather DISTRACTING.

The pesky SPRITE eludes you again! Not even the great Colonel himself can outfox it!!!

In narrowly missing with your attempt to create the COLONELSPRITE, you drop the massive tome. The entire house rattles under the astonishing girth of the book.

In the other room, NANNA'S ASHES dump onto the SPRITE, which is caught unawares by the dousing.

> INSPECT HAG ASH INCIDENT. (01282)

You find the SACRED URN toppled again. This time you're quite sure it wasn't your fault!

The SPRITE is nowhere to be found.

> Rose: Remove cruxtruder from doorway. (01283)

Pesterlog

EB: aw man, where'd it go?

TT: I can't find it anywhere in the house.

TT: No time to worry about it.

TT: The next thing we should do is get your server copy of the game from the car.

TT: You need to connect to my client, so I can repeat your steps and presumably join you, wherever you are.

TT: We should do this quickly, before my house burns down.

EB: what, there's a fire??

TT: There will be soon.

EB: oh jeez!

EB: so move this thing already!

You have insufficient grist! To add insult to injury, the game needs a whopping 100 to remove the CRUXTRUDER, and as said before, your BUILD GRIST CACHE only goes up to 20!

Pesterlog

TT: It looks like it requires a lot of grist to move.

TT: I don't have enough to relocate the door, either.

EB: how much do you have?

TT: Zero.

EB: oh.

EB: hmm.

EB: i thought about jumping to the car from the ledge earlier but that sounds really dangerous!

TT: I have a better idea.

TT: Meet me upstairs.

> DO AGAIN AS PURPLE WORDS SAY. (01284)

You are about to head upstairs, but you thought you heard something behind you.

It was faint, but you could swear it was a small, lighthearted chuckle. Along the lines of a spirited "Hoo-hoo-hoo!"

You think you keep seeing something in the corner of your eye, but when you turn to look, it's gone.

> IGNORE THIS WOMAN'S ANTICS. (01285)

You're not sure you even saw a woman, let alone any of her hypothetical antics. But whatever it was you might have caught a glimpse of, it sure gave you the willies.

You head upstairs on your way to the balcony. Your PDA is acting up again.

> INDULGE THE DEVICE. BUT BE CURT WITH IT. (01286)

Pesterlog

TG: hey bro check it out im working on some new rhymes

EB: dude, i don't have time for your nerdy raps!

TG: come on this is hells of ill just listen

EB: it sounds like you don't even believe me that i was about to get blown up!

EB: but i really was, but now im in some weird dimension that sburb sent me to or something.

EB: and now on top of that i think i'm being haunted by my dead grandma!

TG: huh

TG: for real

EB: i hope not!

EB: i'm guessing this is just a highly advanced game or something.

TG: except youre just sitting on your chair right now

TG: you messin with me again?

EB: no! i really am in a simulation!

EB: have you seen any meteors falling in your area?

TG: dude if i saw something like that i would have said it wtf

TG: what brought this on??

EB: well, rose kept telling me that meteors really are falling on earth, and that apparently my dad came in the game with me as well..

EB: please tell me that's nonsense!

TG: you being in a simulator is pretty hard to believe too

TG: you and tt are up to something are you

EB: i promise you i'm not, but i'm not actually in any danger either, so don't worry! it's just a game.

TG: damn it

TG: you all just want me to play that stupid game

TG: gamebro must be right about it if it makes yall provide me with all this wicked crazy talk

TG: the hell is it even about anyway? i just thought it was all about messing with houses

TG: and then all of a sudden its about fucking meteors and simulatoions and impossible shit like that

EB: we don't know.

EB: we don't even know the purpose behind all of this. we somehow just have to find out by ourselves, and escape from the game.

EB: pretty cool concept, i'll admit!

TG: i think i could drop some sick rhymes about all this

EB: man, see i just don't think all the rapping stuff is really as cool as you think it is.

TG: no thisll be dope check it

EB: no, i have to go! bye!

TG: wait wait

TG: armageddon's gettin waged on us

TG: but im-a gettin armed and dangerous

TG: sending men in space for savin us

TG: see which playa's more couragerous

TG: ben or bruce? dudes reach a truce

TG: put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it

TG: afflecks saclifice, i mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. aw fluck it

TG: bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross gettin hella christ-plagiarous

TG: bruce's like offa that cruciflix, nuff a this fuckin savior-fuss

TG: restrained his ass per mclane-redux while buscemi remained derangerous

TG: when a plan gone astray pays off a wasted craterous

TG: ash tray caterin to layers of matt maconnaheys vague remainder-dust

TG: wait

TG: uh

TG: macconahey wasnt even in any of those meteor movies was he

TG: ill have to make a rap about

TG: i dont know

TG: morgan freeman or something

TG: being the president

TG: itll be called

TG: "obama made it so that no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore"

TG: see youve got to fill me in on whats going on

TG: so i have something to rap about besides all your dumbshit movies

TG: wouldnt be suprised if the idea for that dogshit game came out of one of those

TG: the simulator concept seems on par with that tbh

> ENOUGH STRANGE POETRY FROM THE RED TEXT. (01287)

You head out to the balcony to find out what Rose has in mind. She is messaging you again.

> THE PURPLE TEXT IS LESS IRRATIONAL THAN THE RED TEXT. (01288)

Pesterlog

TT: I'm lifting the car up to the balcony.

EB: whoa, ok.

TT: Once it is up, retrieve the game. Then I'll put it back down on the driveway.

EB: but the door is locked!

TT: Then break a window.

EB: that seems really unnecessary, even if it's a copy!

TT: It's just a window, and this is sort of an emergency.

TT: Otherwise I promise I'll handle the car with velvet gloves.

EB: or, game logic makes it so that it's unlocked.

TT: We've been over this.

EB: |:/

> Rose: Pick up car. (01289)

You attempt to pick up the car and bring it to John. However, once the car is already up in the air, you lose connection and drop it. The heavy vehicle cracks a part of the ground, taking both with it.

It is now beyond the dark clouds. Wherever the hell that is.

> RIDICULOUS FOLLY. INEXCUSABLE. (01290)

You're inclined to agree, but hey, accidents happen. You double check your PDA to make sure if Rose is really gone. Indeed this seems to be the case.

TG is still pestering you of course. But another chum is now logged in as well.

> WHAT COLOR ARE THE WORDS THAT THIS CHUM SAYS? (1291)

Pesterlog

GG: im back!

EB: oh hi!

GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard

EB: was it by any chance a meteor?

GG: yes!!!!!

GG: how did you know??

EB: oh crap.

EB: wait, so are you seeing like a bunch of meteors all at the same time?

GG: no! at least, not yet..

GG: it was just the one! <:>

EB: the reason i ask that is because rose kept telling me that she saw a bunch of meteors through a telescope.

EB: but i think it's just her sarcasm.

EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything?

GG: no i am fine!

GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it

GG: and its pretty big!

GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it

GG: so i came home

GG: he seems to think its dangerous!

EB: well gosh, he's probably right!

GG: anyway what have you been up to john?

GG: oh!!!! did you get my package yet? :O

EB: er...

EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that.

GG: oh no!

EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning.

EB: see, a meteor apparently blew up my neighborhood.

GG: thats terrible john! im so sorry!

EB: but i'm ok! and my house is too, sort of.

EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with rose, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute.

EB: but now i'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and i can't find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!!!

GG: O\_O

GG: well.....

GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but.....

GG: it also sounds kind of exciting!

GG: i dont know john maybe this is your destiny

GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you!

EB: you…buy this??

EB: it's a simulation. this is some really majorly advanced stuff that was built right under our noses and now it is actively transporting players into a simulation!

EB: i don't even know what happens if you get hit by the meteor! do you die??

GG: well, john…

GG: i'm afraid that you would've died

EB: in the game, right?

EB: man, i should have just let the meteor hit me, then i would have ran back to my dad in a heartbeat!!

EB: i really miss him. i just can't wait to win this game.

GG: don't give up, john!! <:0

GG: saving the world is the most important weight that anyone can carry!

EB: well ok, BUT.

EB: it's not even that simple!

EB: since i lost the copy, i think i have to get TG to use his copy to get rose in this server!

EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff.

GG: hahaha

GG: he is so silly!

EB: yeah.

EB: hey, uh, did a meteor really land near your house??

GG: yes!! it was really alarming!

EB: must be a stray meteor from that pesky asteroid belt.

GG: i don't know, it seemed awfully big…

EB: well, it didn't exactly wipe out the dinosaurs, so it must not be that big! right?

GG: i guess not! \'^ ^/

EB: brb. gonna talk to him.

> THE GREEN TEXT WAS ATTRACTIVE. NOW VIEW THE RED TEXT AGAIN. (01292)

Pesterlog

TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at

TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat

TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption"

TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin

TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension

TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned

EB: aaaaaarrrgh!

TG: cant explain to me why this aint condescension to think ill shit a brick

TG: not even he can convey the intention with his quickspun wit

TG: rather defray all this tension, sit on his lap while he whittles a splint

TG: and some guy eyes what he does and patronizes: i guess negrocity's the mother of invention

EB: stop rapping for a second you horse's ass!

EB: i have something important to talk about.

TG: whats up

EB: i intended to connect rose to this sburb server thingy by using my other copy, but i lost it in the bottomless pit.

EB: also she lost battery power. if she can get back up and running, she'll need someone with the game to get her in here so we can save the world.

EB: so i think you should use your copy of the game to connect with her instead and help us!

TG: bro cant you just find the option to stop playing this game

TG: moses on a pogostick

TG: you arent acting yourself what the actual fuck is this game

EB: that's the worst part!

EB: it doesn't seem like the client can just exit the game!

EB: it's a literal simulation!

TG: ok

TG: this is starting to legit scare me

TG: i cant tell if youre finally starting to embrace irony or if you finally lost it

TG: but that begs the question of how you lost it to begin with

TG: too many clowns huh

TG: it has to be that

EB: what can i tell you to make it so that you're willing to play the game??

EB: please answer! i need to see my dad again!'

TG: EJSUS CHRIST

TG: just because you turn into a teenager like the rest of us doesnt mean you get to um

TG: alright fuck it

TG: ill play the stupid game

TG: if it makes you cut the shit

EB: alright, then.

EB: get your copy of the game.

TG: my copy?

TG: thats going to be tough

EB: why?

TG: i lost it

TG: its a stupid story and id rather not talk about it

TG: shit be embarrassing yo

EB: i thought you said you had two?

TG: well yeah

TG: one is my brothers copy

EB: ok, well get his then!

TG: alright

TG: wont be a problem since he doesnt actually care about the game

TG: you know. like i didn't?

EB: whatever.

EB: also you might want to read rose's walkthrough to get up to speed on this.

TG: oh man

EB: what?

TG: nothing really

TG: look all im saying is the girl tends to lay it on kinda thick you know?

EB: /ROLLS EYES

You are now Rose. Your LAPTOP is out of BATTERY POWER. There's only one thing left to do. Time to make your way to that BACKUP GENERATOR.

> Rose: Knit laptop cozy to shield your laptop from the rain. (01293)

That would be such a waste of time!

Besides, you already knitted one a while ago. You retrieve it from your KNITTING BAG and apply it to your LAPTOP.

You captchalogue the LAPTOP PLUS COZY.

> Rose: Equip grimoire to strife specibus. (01294)

That would be incredibly ill-advised!

There are some dark forces you just don't want to mess around with. You understand this better than most.

You put the book down.

> Rose: Recaptchalogue your items! (01295)

You grab the KNITTING BAG and the GRIMOIRE, in that order. It's always a logistical puzzle with your TREE MODUS.

The tree AUTO-BALANCES, leaving the KNITTING BAG accesible in the ROOT CARD.

> Rose: Allocate knitting needles to strife specibus. (01296)

You feel a lot more comfortable with this as a weapon. You're so handy with those needles, you feel like you could probably use them to filet a sword fish.

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is now allocated with the NEEDLEKIND ABSTRATUS, with your KNITTING BAG as a weapon (the needles specifically).

You lose the ROOT CARD in the process, severing the tree.

Hey, careful with all that stuff!

> Rose: Knit plush cuddle-cthulhu to soothe nerves. (01297)

That would also be a preposterous waste of time!!!

Besides, you're quite sure you've never heard of this creature called "Cthulhu" before. There are however many other specimens of the ZOOLOGICALLY DUBIOUS you're familiar with.

Such as…

> Rose: Consult the grimoire. (01298)

FLUTHLU, FOUL PATRICIAN OF MISERY. To hear his mammoth belly gurgle is to know the Epoch of Joy has come to an abrupt end.

And NRUB'YIGLITH, SHAMEBEAST KING OF GROTESQUERY, WRITHE-LORD OF THE MOIST BEYONDHOOD. Hearing his melodious chirps and tongue-clicks causes one's bones to explode.

And of course there's OGLOGOTH, THE DEEP ONE. Whenever he grinds his teeth, all the children of a random galaxy somewhere will frown continuously for a nine thousand year span. He is the first and smallest of the SMALLER GODS, appointed in servitude of a vile, unfathomable pantheon of MIDDLING GODS which caters to the whims of the NOBLE CIRCLE OF HORRORTERRORS, an omniscient, omnipotent order of the elite few, forever cloaked in the darkness of the FURTHEST RING.

And then there's this strange page containing some rather mysterious notes on summoning procedures. You've never been quite sure what these diagrams are getting at. It seems to be about windows, and plugging them in. You have no idea what this has to do with summoning the zoologically dubious, nor are you sure that something like a plugged-in window exists in this world.

On the other hand, you can make a conjecture that whoever created Sburb has created properties like this, and may have been at least partially responsible for the making of this very book you are reading now. Of course, that's just a theory. Even still, why add these strange window diagrams and call it "summoning procedures"?

> Rose: Take items and proceed downstairs. (01299)

You re-captchalogue everything the way you want it to appear in the tree, and head downstairs.

You figure that's enough dilly-dallying. Time to get a move on!

You wonder if this rain will ever let up. It's driven since the month began, perhaps long enough to forget its purpose. It no longer even knows to assuage fire. Somewhere a zealous god threads these strings between the clouds and the earth, preparing for a symphony it fears impossible to play. And so it threads on, and on, delaying the raise of the conductor's baton.

How you hate this season.

"April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain." -American sports legend, Charles Barkley

> Rose: Confront mother in hall. (01300)

Surely your mother is lurking nearby. You should be prepared for an unpleasant confron…

OH PSYCHE

> What?? (01301)

There's this really cool dude, ok? He's standing around being all chill, like cool dudes are known to do sometimes. A cool dude like this probably has a real cool name. But he probably wouldn't just tell you what it was if you asked. He'd be way too busy for that. Busy being totally sweet.

But you could always try to guess his name. And if you were right, he might nod ever so slightly. That's a cool dude's way of letting you know there might just be hope for you yet.

> Enter name. (01302)

You enter a description of what you think about this dude, based on his behavior on Pesterchum.

He stops you at "INSUFFERABLE PRI" and slices the text bar with one of his wicked swords.

This guy doesn't have time for this sort of bullshit.

> Try again. (01303)

You enter in your best possible version of a cool dude's name; "DAVE STRIDER"

No immediate reaction. Just a gleaming sparkle from his sunglasses to let you know that you at least made the right choice.

> Examine room. (01304)

Your name is DAVE. It is an UNSEASONABLY WARM April day. Your BEDROOM WINDOW is open to let some air in, and your FAN is cranked. Arguably even more cranked would be your FLY BEATS, which brings us to your variety of INTERESTS. A cool dude like you is sure to have plenty. You have a penchant for spinning out UNBELIEVABLY ILL JAMS with your TURNTABLES AND MIXING GEAR. You like to rave about BANDS NO ONE'S EVER HEARD OF BUT YOU. You collect WEIRD DEAD THINGS PRESERVED IN VARIOUS WAYS. You are an AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHER and operate your own MAKESHIFT DARKROOM. You maintain a number of IRONICALLY HUMOROUS BLOGS, WEBSITES, AND SOCIAL NETWORKING PROFILES. And if the inspiration strikes, you won't hesitate to drop some PHAT RHYMES on a mofo and REPRESENT.

What will you do?

> Dave: Quickly retrieve arms from cinderblocks. (01305)

Nah.

> Dave: Get the damn beta and save your friend's life! (01306)

This notion strikes you as nonsensical. You can't imagine how a video game could save someone's life, and in any case, you're quite sure no one you know is in any danger.

Anyway, these are your copies of the beta you received in the mail recently. You've labeled them with your name in BOLD RED PRINT to distinguish them from your BRO's copies, who labeled his in kind. Neither of you really gives a shit about this game or has any intention of playing it, but you'll be damned if you'll let that get in the way of your campaign of one-upmanship.

> Dave: Bleat like a goat and piss on your turntable. (01307)

You would never consider allowing any fluid even remotely resembling urine to touch your beloved TURNTABLES. That would risk breaking them, and a world without the gift of your godly science just doesn't sound like a place you want any part of. While you're at it, you might as well wipe out human civilization with a meteor or something ridiculous like that which will probably never happen.

That sort of thing only happens in stupid idiot movies for stupid idiots.

You will however contemplate bleating like a goat for IRONICALLY HUMOROUS purposes at a later date.

> Dave: Examine closet. (01308)

This is your closet. This is where you keep a lot of your crap.

Like that BOX. And that bottle of... what is that?

Is that...?

> Dave: Check the blue box. (01309)

This is the package that your friend John Egbert sent you for your 13th birthday a little while ago. It now contains nothing except a NOTE and a CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY vouching for the genuine Hollywood memorabilia which the box originally contained, and which you are now wearing to be IRONIC but also to be INCREDIBLY COOL IN A WAY SOMEHOW INTANGIBLY RELATED TO THE IRONIC NATURE OF THE ACCESSORY. You find it sort of exasperating to explain these subtleties to people.

The BOX also included a signed photo of BEN STILLER which now proudly hangs above your closet. Proudly and IRONICALLY.

> Dave: Take box. (01310)

You captchalogue the BOX through your HASH MAP FETCH MODUS.

Your modus's current HASH FUNCTION resolves the index by valuing each consonant at 2, and each vowel at 1. The total is divided by your number of cards, and the remainder is the index.

BOX = 2 + 1 + 2 = 5

5 % 10 = 5

The BOX is captchalogued in card 5.

> Dave: Examine jar of unknown yellow substance in the closet. (01311)

Oh hell yes. It is an unopened container of APPLE JUICE. You thought you were all out. It is like fucking christmas up in here.

This is so great. You've got to tell John about this immediately. He'll be so excited.

> Dave: Take juice. (01312)

You captchalogue the JUICE into card 7.

2+1+1+2+1 % 10 = 7.

> Dave: Access Pesterchum and pester John. (01313)

In addition to letting your buddy know about this outstanding juice windfall, you figure you'll wish him a happy birthday while you're at it. In your own cool, sort of roundabout way of course. Good thing you looked at that box he sent you, or you might have forgotten.

You also might as well ask him about that beta. The kid's been harping about it for weeks. It would be cool if it came on his birthday. He'd be one happy camper.

You go on your PERSONAL COMPUTER, which is the latest model of SPIRAL. The seventh version, in fact, although it's called SPIRAL 9. You like the irony of the weird counting system put in place by MACRODENSE. You also have the latest version of PESTERCHUM, also developed by MACRODENSE. Unlike SPIRAL, the version history actually reflects the actual version history of the SPIRAL models, and each version is built-in with its corresponding SPIRAL version.

Some say that the older versions are better than the newer ones, but to hell with those chumps! A social media star like you needs to be up to date, or your PERSONAL COMPUTER might as well be made of wood, with sticks as the cords. Such retardation.

Pesterlog

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:13 --

TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today

EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.

TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here

EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage?

TG: but

TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken

TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory

EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?

EB: try using your brain numbnuts.

TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like

TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous

EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice.

TG: ok i can accept that

TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters

TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face

TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it

TG: did you get the beta yet

EB: no.

EB: did you?

TG: man i got two copies already

TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring

TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro????

EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it.

TG: yeah

TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now

EB: alright.

> Dave: Go online and view sites indicative of your interests. (01314 P1)

You open the HEPHAESTUS web browser and direct it to your ironically maintained blog, "sweet bro's hella blog", where you post monthly satirical reviews of GAMEBRO MAGAZINE. Your latest post was on March 13, 2009, and it is a review of the MARCH ISSUE, "GRAND SNACK FUCKYEAH".

"oh man

when this heady volume of unabridged awesome hit my doorstep it made a sort of thunderclap. like the kind im sure moses heard when god dropped stone tablets containing a review of a game involving the ambiguous marriage of insane stunts and extreme hunger management solutions for dudes on the go. it's like you see that little bag of chips there? you just grab it and go bro, and keep thrashing shit up.

i am so 'hella pumped of' this. there are some obvious questions. like just HOW outrageous are these snacks? will popular beverages play a role, and how critical will they be in your quest to attain absolute sweetness? Will this game land th coveted but elusive 5 hats out of 5 hats?"

You've been meaning to write a review for the latest issue too, but you've been sort of dogging it. Something about the game they're reviewing just doesn't strike you as ripe for satirical purposes.

In a new tab you open another one of your sites, a webcomic ironically maintained through a satirical cipher vaguely similar to that of your blog. It's called SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.

You have legions of devoted fans, most of whom are totally convinced of your creative persona's sincerity. Which is just how you like it.

> Dave: Look at the first comic. (01314 P2)

"SWEET BRO: i cant wait to be a useless piece of shit all day and play these games

(SWEET BRO begins falling)

SWEET BRO: FUCK IM FALLING DOWN ALL THESE STAIRS……………

HELLA JEFF: I WARNED YOU ABOUT STAIRS BRO!!!! I TOLD YOU DOG!

SWEET BRO: IT KEEPS HAPPENING

(SWEET BRO keeps falling for what feels like an eternity)

HELLA JEFF: I TOLD YOU MAN

HELLA JEFF: I TOLD YOU ABOUT STAIRS!"

What the masses don't know is that this is all a metaphor for something. You wouldn't get it, man. Not even John, not even the other two. Really, any time you take a good look at this comic, it just hits close to home. It definitely doesn't happen with all your comics, though. You just won't let your unironic feelings get in the way of irony, and the only times you've done that is purely to be ironic.

Maybe except this…

Forget it.

> Dave: Check the latest page of the Midnight Crew. (01315)

You figure as long as you're chilling at your computer you might as well see how that new MSPA story is going. You haven't looked at it in a while.

> Dave: Midnight Crew. (01316)

"You are members of a sinister gang called the Midnight Crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in complexity. Your schemes, convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout.

What will you do?"

> Dave: Enter "Use Occam's Razor on plans and schemes." (01317)

"Spades Slick uses OCCAM'S RAZOR to carve a circular hole into the HEIST PLANS, freeing it from the knife.

You wonder what moron would jam the knife so hard into the table in the first place."

> Dave: Enter "SS: Climb ladder and exit hideout. Implement nefarious plots" (01318)

"You push against the MANHOLE COVER, but it seems some unbelievable jackass has parked your GETAWAY VAN on top of it.

A familiar feeling stirs. That feeling is overwhelming, soul-blackening rage.

It's the sort of rage that'll make a man feel totally justified in sporting an unnecessarily elaborate assortment of fancy blades."

> Dave: Skip ahead a hundred pages or so. (01319)

You don't remember where you last left off, so you jump way ahead. You always forget to save your place in the story.

It looks like tempers have become short in this pressure cooker already. You speculate that the tipping point may have been an ill-advised motion for a game of 52 PICKUP.

> Dave: Save your place, read it later. (01320)

Even though the adventure began recently, it's already over 3000 pages long. You just don't have time for this bullshit. You'll catch up later.

Besides, it looks like someone's pestering you. You're pretty sure you know who it is.

> Dave: Answer chum. (01321)

Pesterlog

TT: In some cultures the persistent refusal of a lady's invitation to play a game with her would be a sign wanton disrespect.

TT: Either that, or flagrant homosexuality.

TG: what oh no

TG: no look

TG: im busy ok

TG: ive got a lot of shit on my plate

TG: i am sort of a big deal ok?

TT: I know.

TT: Sometimes I wonder how you are ever allowed to pay for meals in restaurants.

TT: It must be hard to keep a low profile when you're always overhearing awed voices whisper, "It's that guy who made the comic."

TG: seriously

TG: dudes be worshipping me left and right

TG: i cant hardly walk down the street without stepping over torsos of puppets doing it clean

TT: Navigating the urban landscape I'm sure is difficult enough without an obstacle course of deferential flesh.

TT: Perhaps adapting the art of parkour to your unique environment would help?

TG: yeah!

TG: i mean damn

TG: like theres this scruffy little shit at my feet

TG: an orphan or something i dont know

TG: face flush on the pavement

TG: im like dude you listening for a stampede of buffalo or something?

TG: he braves a look at me then gives my shoe a little kiss and scurries the fuck off

TT: Heavy is the crown.

TG: yeah

TG: not kicking oliver twist in the fucking face every day is my gift to the world i guess

TT: Breathtaking magnanimity!

TG: among other things

TG: i just give and fucking give

TT: Indeed, nary a jewel tumbles from your wishbox of daily exploits which I imagine does not sparkle.

TG: oh for fucks sake

TG: youre just lobbying for me to play that dumb game

TT: Baseless accusation!

TG: look i am telling you

TG: egbert is ALL ABOUT that game

TG: he will play it with you and probably be tickled retarded about it

TT: I know this very well.

TT: I cannot hasten his mail's delivery, however.

TG: yeah yeah

TG: ill hassle him some more about it

TG: and look how about this

TG: if you ever find yourself in the position where your life depends on me playing that piece of shit game, then ill play

TG: will that make you happy

TT: More than you know.

TT: It perfectly mollifies my grief over the demise of chivalry.

> JOHN WHAT ARE YOU DOING. STOP DOING NOTHING. (01322)

Meanwhile in the present, in a place where the present may be a concept of dubious merit, John is spacing out.

But a vague and forceful thought jolts him to attention.

Or maybe it is that bumping sound coming from the other side of the door. What is that?

A thick, unpleasant fluid pools from beneath the door.

> TROUBLING. INVESTIGATE THIS. (01323)

There is a trail of this fluid in the hall leading to your room.

> Dave: Play some hauntingly sick beats. (01324)

You've had enough of the computer for a while. You feel like you've been messing around on it all week. It's time to get your jam on.

You pull up to your trusty AKAI MPC-1000 SAMPLER and prepare to get sicknasty.

You play the kind of beats that tickle your fancy. In this case, every single one of them. The way that all these beats clash with each other is woven into so many levels of irony that you can't even count. You don't do this often, though. Perhaps it was looking back at your first comic that made you want this noise today to begin with. You never know with yourself.

> Dave: Take sip of the apple juice, despite what John said. (01325)

Those beats were so fresh they belong in the produce aisle, is what you're talkin' about. Soccer moms be thumpin' that shit for ripeness like melons. Know what I'm sayin'?

After beats that fresh, it would be a crime not to reward yourself with a celebratory SWIG.

2+2+1+2 %10 = 7.

You take out the bottle and prepare to drink it, but…

You can't do it!

John's got you all twisted up inside now. All you can think about is Mandel's gross monster piss.

Damn you, Egbert!

You re-captchalogue the JUICE.

> Dave: Allocate sword to strife specibus. (01326)

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is already allocated with the BLADEKIND ABSTRATUS! There is no need to allocate it.

You can wield your sweet NINJA SWORD as a weapon once it is in your STRIFE DECK. But you will have to captchalogue it first before moving it there.

> Dave: Captchalogue sword. (01327)

The NINJA SWORD (2+1+2+2+1 + 2+2+1+2+2 = 17 % 10 = 7) occupies the same card as the JUICE (2+1+1+2+1 = 7 % 10 = 7), expelling the JUICE from your SYLLADEX.

It splashes all over your TURNTABLES and your copies of the BETA.

Argh!

> Dave: Get a towel or something! (01328)

You head out to get a TOWEL from the bathroom across the hall.

You glance at one of the many RADICAL PUPPETS in your BRO'S collection and nod in approval.

Is there anything not awesome about your BRO? No, you think not.

You enter the bathroom. There's a damp towel on the floor you can probably use for this crisis.

You stop to pay a little respect to one of your BRO'S boys up there. Hey lil' man. How's it hangin'?

> Dave: Captchalogue damp towel. (01329)

You take the DAMP TOWEL (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+1+2 = 15 % 10 = 5), expelling the BOX (2+1+2 = 5 % 10 = 5). It bumps you in the head, but you keep your cool.

> Dave: Search the bathroom for something slightly less damp. (01330)

Nah, you just decide to wring this towel out into the toilet to make it less damp.

It is now just a TOWEL (2+1+2+1+2 = 8 % 10 = 8).

> Dave: Take towel. (01331)

You take the TOWEL, and grab the BOX again while you're at it.

> Dave: Clean up the juice. (01332)

You CLEAN (2+2+1+1+2 = 8) up the juice with the TOWEL and hang the damp BETA ENVELOPES on your line to dry off. Any action that has to do with the captchalogued items works the same but without division. In this case, the word "clean" just so happens to add up to the same number as the word "towel".

In the breeze of the FAN, the betas jostle near the OPEN WINDOW.

This arrangement is a little disconcerting. If they fell out, it sure would be a stupid way to lose them.

> Dave: Turn off the fan. (01333)

The crisis is easily averted. You can't imagine it will ever resurface later in any way, shape, or form. That beta is as good as yours, forever.

You should probably go pester Egbert again. You wonder if he found the beta yet. You also might chat about your respective SYLLADICES and FETCH MODI, if the topic happens to come up. You wonder if he is anywhere near as smooth with his sylladex as you are. Probably not. It's probably not even humanly possi…

Suddenly a RAMBUNCTIOUS CROW flies in the open window and snatches the beta, possibly to make a nest with, or maybe just for the sake of being a brainless feathery asshole.

You tell the bird to STOP (2 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 7).

You accidentally launch your NINJA SWORD. Everything goes flying out the window, dead bird and all, and the glass is broken.

No one can ever know about this.

> Dave: Look out window. (01334)