Mother Knows Best

Mother Knows Best is the sixth chapter of the Wombles One.

Steed looked deep into Miss Peel’s eyes.  “Miss Peel, it’s time I took you home to meet Mother!”  Miss Peel was shocked but happy.  “Steed!  Are you asking me to …”  “Yes. To rejoin the Avengers!”  “You mean you’re not asking me to, well, marry you?” “No!  But thanks for reminding me though.”

Steed now looked deep into Tara’s eyes.  “Tara King will you”  Tara cut in. “Marry you?”  Steed’s eyes lit up.  “Yes Tara I do!”  Miss Peel stomped off in a huff.  “OK then Miss Peel isn’t rejoining us but I’ll take you to see Mother.  Tara are you ready?”  Tara nodded.  “Cathy are you coming with us?”  “OK Steed but no tricks!”  Steed looked innocently at her and smiled.  They all followed him behind Queen’s Mere and got into his huge Bentley.

They headed out in the countryside in no time because Steed drove so fast.  “Steed, we have company!”  Steed looked calm as ever.  “That will be the good doctors.  King and Keel.  This mission is going to be big.  Humanity is depending on us!”

The two cars roared through the country lanes until they reached a big wrought iron gate.  It opened as Steed’s yellow Bentley approached. Steed drove through followed by Dr Keel’s AC saloon.  “Dr Keel” “Yes Dr King”  “I thought I had finished with the Avengers.  This must be important.”   Dr Keel replied “It must be.  I think there must be some kind of drug involved.”  Dr King nodded “Hmm like a lie drug, invisibility lotion, instant plastic surgery, sleep walking, memory wiping, hypnotising or maybe even enslaving with mind control solution.”  “Yes well we are about to find out!”  The two doctors pulled up outside a mansion and got out.

There was a thumping from the car.  “Funny Dr King, the car was fine earlier.”  Dr King had a look.  He was better with cars than Dr Keel.  “It’s coming from the boot.”  Dr Keel opened it and Venus leapt out in a shiny cocktail dress and matching shoes.   “Venus! What were you doing in the boot?”

Venus smiled and replied in song “Well I was just going singing in the surgery,  Dr King said we are going so you don’t worry, He packed all the things away including me,  Dr King didn’t notice he was such a busy bee.”

Dr King suddenly realised he had packed her in the car when Dr Keel had picked him up in the car. They left Venus singing outside and went to find Steed, Tara and Cathy.  They were with a slim, healthy looking man with a moustache in a weird room full of ladders.  “Steed, Tara, Cathy we’re here but where is Mother?”

“I am here!” boomed the thin man with the moustache.  “Mother?” said Dr King.  “Mother?” said Dr Keel.  “Mother?” said Tara.  “Mother?” said Cathy.  “YES Mother!” said Mother.   “But Mother you’re so …” said Tara.   “handsome?” suggested Mother.  “No more like …”  “cute?” suggested Mother.  “Actually I was going to say healthy.” Tara finally managed to say.

“I have been on a strict diet and exercise regime.  I only drink brandy and go for a run with all my trainee agents trying to kill me every morning.  You should all try it.”  “Er no” said everyone else.  “Anyway since you are all here.  Do you recognise this creature?”  A picture of Orinoco appeared on the wall.

“He is planning to kill everybody.  Now this man?”  A picture of Mr Class came up. “He is working to destroy our organisation along with …” A picture of the Dreemykreem milkman appeared.  “Steed I did want you to lead the team but unfortunately you were seen with him …” Orinoco appeared on the wall again.

Steed looked surprised but calm.  “Mother you know that people do like to duplicate me.  I am just soooo stylish.”  “True” said Mother who was now wearing a suit like Steed’s with a bowler hat. “You lead it then.”

Cathy suddenly interrupted “And where is One Ten?”  Mother replied “Retired.  I sent him on holiday to a hotel where they don’t let him out.  He wants my job you know.”

Steed then said, “Oh by the way I have a very important announcement.”  Mother looked curious.  “Someone rejoining?”  “No.”  “Someone’s birthday?”  “No.”  “An investigation I didn’t know about?”  “No.” “One Ten escaped?”  “No?”  “You are a traitor?”  “No.” “You have brought me a gift?” “No.”  “You’re getting married?”  “Yes!”  “Who to?” “Guess.”  “Cathy?”  “No.” Cathy piped up, “Well of course it’s not me, I don’t even like him!”  Mother ignored her and carried on guessing.  “Venus Smith, the famous singer?”  “No.”  “Well it can’t be Mrs Peel, she’s already married!”  “Well, actually, she left Peter, so she’s Miss Peel now, but no it’s not her.”  “Why is she still Peel then?”  “She always was, and Peter happened to have to same surname, so she didn’t have to change it when she married him.”  “Oh. Well then is it… er… um…”  “Seriously?” said Tara.  “Oh!” said Mother.  “It’s you Tara!  Well actually no you are not getting married.”  “Excuse me?” asked Tara.  “I haven’t a clue what he’s talking about.  Can you arrange for an agent to do our wedding?” replied Steed.  “No!” said Mother.  And he knocked out all of them except Cathy with a rolling pin. Cathy tried to hide a smile when Steed got knocked out.

Bungo was lying his bed at cottage number 6.  He was having a nightmare.  In the dream two wombles in white coats kept telling him “right paw Bungo, right paw”.  His left paw However kept reaching out and every time they electrocuted it with a cattle prod.  He woke up.  They was a knock at the door.  “Come in!” shouted Bungo.  In walked Bungo!

Bungo kept walking and said “I am number six, you are number twelve, he is number two!”  Orinoco had just walked in.  “Number twelve!  Come with me!”  Bungo replied “I am number six!”  The other Bungo replied “I am number six!”.  Number two replied.  “There is only one way to find out.  Come both of you and bring your tidy bags.”

At number two’s residence Bungo was asked to tidy up the room.  He picked everything up and put all if it in his tidy bag.  Bungo was then asked to tidy up.  He picked the same things and put them into his basket. “So you are number six!” said Orinoco and gave Bungo a badge that said “I am six!”.  “You fake Bungo, I mean fake number six, are number twelve.”  He gave the fake Bungo a badge with “I am twelve”. “Now” said Orinoco “come with me.”

Bungo and Number Twelve followed him into a big TV studio.  A man in a three piece suit and bowler hat lead an old womble to the middle. Bungo, Number Twelve and lots of other wombles stood behind boxes with their own number.

The man announced “Now it’s time to play Meal or No Meal!  Playing today is number 43!  Pick a box!” The womble looked nervous. “Number six?”  A drum roll sounded and Bungo opened his red box.  Under the lid it said “poison”.  The man turned to the sad looking womble number 43 and gave him a blue bottle.  That flew away.  So he gave him a red bottle with a skull and cross bones on the label.  He drank it and fell asleep forever and ever, unless he was saved by true love’s kiss.