315: Willanetics

## Summary

The group are baffled when a glowing sign in Will's very own handwriting reads *"This divine experience brought to you by the House of Zol Berdia."* Bafflement turns to disbelief when a small dachshund arrives and Rosco nonchalantly reveals that this is just his latest dog companion, though he does admit that usually he adopts them, rather than the other way around. They head down a trail marked "Exit", and while Batthwack tries out the new flail, the others argue about gods and secret back stories for precisely 30 minutes, before arriving at a dirt track and an arrow marked "Gully's End".

## Synopsis

The Coyote's head, now giant again, sits inert, the eyes closed. Above it, bright pink glowing letters blink into existence, reading *"This divine experience brought to you by the House of Zol Berdia."* In smaller letters underneath it says, *"Exit: 30 minutes."* An arrow points away behind the Coyote, towards a little path leading into the forest. Batthwack recalls their visit to the House of Zol Berdia in Beartoggle, but he's mostly distracted by the golden flail. Despite his proficiency with weapons, this one feels a little awkward.

It's unclear if the sign means that the path will take 30 minutes to traverse, or if they must leave within 30 minutes. The search lights that had been shining up into the air are now switched off giving the sense that this experience is very much over. Rosco is feeling anxious about his spell's failure and he instinctively reaches down to pet Rosco the dog, only to discover that there is in fact a dog standing next to him. It's a black and brown, long-haired dachshund with a long, little wiener body and he's looking up at Rosco and wagging his tail. *"Oh, hey Rosco! You found me, buddy!"* says Rosco excitedly. Everyone is confused/annoyed by how nonchalantly he's reacting to this totally new dog, and Rosco explains that he's always had a dog companion and when they die, he always gets round to finding a new one. This is the first time that one of them has come and found him though. He says he calls them all Rosco because he's lazy, but this dog is obviously different from the others, so perhaps it ought to have a unique name. Raphina suggests "Oscar", which is nearly "Rosco" backwards. Rosco mumbles confusedly to himself about names, before eventually settling on "Oscar", completely convinced that it was his idea all along.

Will suddenly notices something odd about the glowing pink writing... It doesn't seem possible, but it's undeniable; the letters are actually formed in his own handwriting. He involuntarily lets out a gasp. *"It sound like you see ghost!"* says Mo. Batthwack also notices something familiar about the lettering, and pulls out his copy of their contract, which is written in Will's hand. It's definitely the same writing. Despite Mo's excitement, Will denies that this makes him a god. He also strongly rejects the suggestion that he had anything to do with the Coyote, though he can't explain why the sign looks like that.

Raphina urges them to make a move, and while they walk down the path, lit by very softly pink-glowing ferns, Rosco says he couldn't care less about gods (which upsets Mo), he's more concerned about the secrets this group has. Will points out the hypocrisy; Rosco has a ton of secrets, but Rosco's having none of it. The difference is that he's actively trying to figure his own mysteries out. *"You guys have all the information you need about yourselves, and you still keep it from yourselves and each other!"* he says.

Batthwack tries to figure out how the sign could possibly look like Will's handwriting. *"I may have an investment in the House of Zol Berdia,"* says Will casually, and Batthwack imagines Will sitting on the committee that designed Zol Berdia's signs, shouting ideas to his team of executives. Will admits that Tivoli's patron god has been a very successful investment for him. *"Nothing wrong with making money as long as people are being forgiven for all the things they do."* Mo's still upset by Rosco's comments and Rosco's mad at everybody. He storms ahead angrily. Batthwack's staying out of it, and just continues experimenting with the flail.

After precisely 30 minutes of walking, the forested part of the trail opens up slightly and despite having been quite spread out, they all emerge together from the woods at the same time. Weirdly, when they look back, the forest trail they were on is now very difficult to see. They're now stood on an overgrown, deeply-rutted, narrow track. It was obviously well-travelled at some point in its past, but the well-established weeds suggest it's not seen much traffic recently. A rough wooden arrow points to the right and says "Gully's End". Raphina gets excited, but Sheemie helpfully reminds them that the sign could be referring to the region, river or city. Batthwack thinks they're a way off their destination yet and Rosco begins clearing the track of branches and foliage.

## Quotes

* Rosco: *"Do you think that I might be learning that distinguishing between people and different dogs might be a way of showing respect and appreciation for the diversity of identity?"* Will: *"No, but it might help your confusion in general."* Rosco: *"What confusion?!"*
* Rosco: *"I'm starting to feel like this group has some secrets."* Will: *"Don't you be mad about secrets, buddy. I think you are chock-full. You're like a garbage bag full of secrets."*

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from Abby/Raphina. Will had been making revelations about his financial ties to the Tivolian god Zol Berdia. When Rosco belittled practising any kind of religious faith, upsetting Mo in the process, Raphina had insisted he apologise. Rosco: *"Raphina, I am not going to apologise to Mo for talking about the hollowness of theism in the middle of a conversation in which it's being revealed to us that Will basically runs his own religion."* Will: *"My own religion?! That's not true."* Raphina: *"You wrote a book called* Willanetics*! We know it!"*
* Emmanuel Levinas: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emmanuel\_Levinas
* Ontology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ontology
* Thurible (the metal incense swinging thingy): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thurible
* Chandler is transferred to Yemen: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ImN2ze6opHE
* The shock ending to the season 9 episode of *Columbo*, "Columbo Cries Wolf" (trigger warning for KT!): https://youtube.com/watch?v=hS7Urf-eBLk
* Tesla vs Edison: https://gatescientific.com/technique-geeks-blog/f/tesla-vs-edison-the-feud-that-never-happened
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: action-packed.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured KT doing a recap to the tune of *I'll Be There for You* (the theme from *Friends*) by The Rembrandts:

*"Oh my god, you guys... Imagine us all in a fountain!"*

*[Verse 1]*

So no one told you be puzzlin' today

You're trapped inside a room within a Coyo-tay

And what's the deal with the symbols on the wall?

Blue, white, green, red, orange crystals

And that waterfall, but

*[Chorus]*

Will is there for you

(He's yelling at you through the door)

Raphina's there for you

(She's a kindly communicat-or)

We're right here for you

(Because you're here for us too)

*[Verse 2]*

Now Rosco's really bored, the puzzle's got him mystified

Baromian numerals are gonna make Batthwack cry

Rosco and Raphina decide to fuck around

Push a random button to see what happens

And the ceiling starts to come down

*[Chorus]*

[Bleurgh] be there for you

(When you make a wrong choice)

[Bleurgh] be there for you

(That's a you-made-a-mistake noise)

[Bleurgh] be there for you

If we all act like fools

*[Bridge]*

And then miraculously

We figure it out and Rosco

Pushes buttons to release us all

We come out the ear holes

"Where are you?" "We're right ear!"

Mo prays out loud and sincere

Suddenly the Coyote head

Says we're worthy but he seems confused

*[Middle 8]*

He says that weapons aren't his claim to fame

But then he throws his head back starts to howl

And says Gully's End's aflame, and

*[Chorus]*

Then he goes achoo

(And overhead something sails)

And we're covered in goo

(Batthwack catches a golden flail)

Rosco looks like he's stew-ing

(Cuz his spell didn't work)

*[Outro]*

Batthwack's there for you

(I mean literally everyone)

Batthwack's there for you

(If you're a good guy or a bum)

He's always there for everybody

(What are Rosco and Will to do?)

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ See episode 255: Have You Ever Played, Uh, Hopscotch?