Duil Marriage Traditions

Weddings are a big deal in Duilintinn. Duilintinn’s culture places a lot of emphasis on discovering who you are and where you fit in the world. Weddings are a ceremony celebrating that you have found that place in the world with another person! As a result, wedding celebrations place a lot of emphasis on the concept of two people finding their place in the world with each other.

## Origins

Marriages in Duilintinn are a mixture of traditions from Feadhainn and Waldren. That history is incredibly detailed, probably a bit too much to fit into this post. For now, here is a link to a rambling document that describes that cultural diffusion in detail, which will hopefully eventually be turned into its own post.

## **Pre-Wedding Events**

Since Duilintinn’s culture is so focused on individuals finding their place in the world, the concept of two souls bringing that individuality together as a cooperative unit is considered a beautiful thing

### Marriage Age

Young people are encouraged not to rush into marriage, but young marriages are not unheard of. Some families still follow the old traditions of courtship, early marriage, and even arranged marriage that existed during the Waldren Occupation and Interim Years. Still, as the generation that was born after Duilintinn’s founding starts having children of their own, these conservative practices are becoming rarer.

Legally, 15 years old is the hard minimum age that a person can get married according to Duilintinn’s national law. This is because teens are traditionally released to begin finding their place in the world at that age, and marriage could be considered a form of that journey. However, this is extremely discouraged.

In general, late-twenties are the recommended minimum age of marriage for people in Duilintinn. Marriages in early to mid-twenties aren’t uncommon, but people are encouraged to think very hard and make sure that they know themselves well enough before doing so. You can switch houses and find someone there who will make you happy; you can’t always convince the person you’ve already married to move with you to a new house if you feel uncomfortable in your current life situation.

### Noble House

There is no tradition of a person taking on their spouse’s Noble House when they get married. That would be completely counterintuitive to Duilintinn’s culture. If you marry someone from a different house, you’d have to find a compromise about where you would live together, but no one is expected to change houses the way women are expected to change their last name irl. That being said, it’s much more likely that you will marry someone from your house, simply because the majority of nearby options will be in the same house as you. That probability is lower if you are living in a different house or are in The Watch.

Remember, marriage Duilintinn is very much wrapped around the concept of finding where you belong in another person. However, if that person uses this concept to make you move to a house you don’t belong in or do something else you’re uncomfortable with, THAT’S BAD. Manipulation corrupts the idea of being comfortable and finding your future within another person, turning it into a way to force someone into situations that make them uncomfortable. This is considered one of the worst corruptions of the kingdom’s culture and is not tolerated at all. In the kingdom, where this sense of belonging is something you seek for those around you as well as yourself, to see someone corrupt that beloved idea will usually evoke strong emotions. Angry ones.

Despite this, such manipulation does still occur on both sides of the gender spectrum, especially young couples too immature to differentiate between self-sacrifice and being a doormat. This is one of the reasons why people aren’t encouraged to rush into marriage anymore.

### Engagements

The other reason why the kingdom encourages later marriages has to do with the question of inter-house relationships, but also relationships and dating in general. One has to know themselves, who they are, what they need as a person before they can try to find that in another person and the future they could have together. Love only goes so far when you are miserable in your home environment, regardless of if that environment is halfway across the kingdom in your spouse’s noble house or three doors down the village lane.

Therefore, rather than a matriarchy/patriarchy system determining which partner gets to keep their old life, compromise is a super important part of getting married in Duilintinn instead.

In fact, it’s rare for anyone to get hitched until they’ve reached that compromise with their spouse. Agreeing on a plan for the future and announcing it to your family is the equivalent of an engagement. If you can’t reach a compromise… Well, then you’ve got a decision to make.

It’s considered very foolish to get married without a plan like this, similar to how the modern world generally views getting eloped. Many people believe that, since Lord Brody married Lady Stacy before this tradition took hold, his marriage was doomed from the start. Parents tell their eager teen children the story of Lord and Lady Brody’s catastrophic fallout to remind them of the benefits of spending time to figure out yourself before rushing into a relationship and marriage.

### Pre-Wedding Social Calls

Just because someone has found their place in the world with another person, doesn’t mean that they haven’t made other bonds that feel like “home” among their peers, friends, coworkers, etc. These settings and people make up another aspect of a person’s place in the world, and while the dynamic will likely be different in the future, ideally these people will not vanish from their life after the wedding.

However, with any change comes the need for compromise, especially when two people with two separate groups of social circles try to balance a new life with each other and preserve those old connections.

Therefore, in the weeks leading up to the wedding, the couple will meet with these various groups together, both to celebrate the upcoming wedding and to discuss methods of adapting their new married life to their commitment to these other settings.

These events are akin to real-world bachelor parties and vary in their formality and scale; some groups will sit you down to a nice meal and talk, some will throw a party, some will just go “hey let’s go on a walk” and talk there, some groups might coordinate to do their parties all at once and make it a big thing with groups taking turns to talk with the couple… It really depends on the dynamic and what is feasible and preferred by all parties.

### Eloping

By contrast, eloping is very rude. Not quite as rude as cutting off your family by changing your name to omit any ties to their surname, but it’s up there.

If there are extenuating circumstances such as timing, distance, lack of resources, risk factors, non-family-related reasons for needing it to be secret, etc., people will generally understand if you have a small wedding with only a few people.

However, if you have the means to invite your family to your wedding, eloping is essentially telling them “I don’t trust you to be accepting of the person who I have found my place with/I don’t want you to be a part of my life with this person.” Which, in some cases, might be a valid and right decision to make. Those are usually the same situations when you change your surname though, with the same sort of cultural precedent for cutting people off.

Essentially, if you have a good reason for eloping, you’re also probably changing your last name. If you’re eloping but don’t plan to cut your family off, you’re incredibly foolish to think that family reunion will go over smoothly.

## Marriage Ceremony

### Wedding Party

Unlike traditional Western wedding parties in the real world, there is only one wedding party in traditional Duil weddings, made up of a mix of people close to one or both of the engaged individuals.

This group is not divided by gender and works as a unit to help both partners during the preparations. Of course, with massive events like weddings, the group will probably have to divide and conquer in order to make sure everything goes smoothly. However, someone who knew one of the future newlyweds before the wedding may decide they can better help their friend’s fiance, or vice versa.

All of this allows for the wedding party to work together and play to their strengths in the wedding preparations and ceremony, while emphasizing that idea that both partners are welcome in whatever spaces they once frequented on their own.

Usually, these people are close friends, past/present mentors and apprentices, trusted coworkers, etc; no one feels obligated to invite Employee Jim who they’ve seen twice at work just so you can have the symbolic support or whatever; the people you choose are also chosen based on emotional bonds, not just networking ties.

Accepting this role is essentially an agreement to continue welcoming the couple into the spaces they call “home” in whatever form that might take after the wedding, with the awareness that the dynamic might be slightly different than it once was, but that they’re willing to help make it work and support the couple. Note that turning down the role doesn’t imply that they’ve rejected the couple; after all, people are just busy sometimes.

### Setting

The wedding ceremony itself takes place in the amphitheaters found in almost every town of Duilintinn.

Each side of the amphitheater is usually decorated with the symbols of each person’s house. Sometimes, people will choose decor that focuses on their career, guild, faith, or membership within The Watch. After the ceremony, the reception will have an artful combination of these two sets of decorations.

Both members of the couple enter from opposite sides of the amphitheater and meet at the center for vows. This sort of ceremony places a lot of emphasis on two people coming from separate places and the mutual choice to join their fates together.

### Standing for Honor

After the couple enters the amphitheater, the person running the service calls out to the congregation if there would be someone to stand for the honor of the bride and the honor of the groom. These people would have been chosen beforehand and could be a family member or a good friend. They would then show off ‘why’ they were chosen (really could be any number of reasons), with the entire amphitheater to strut their stuff in a show of strength. After the people standing for both partners finish their show, they stand by the couple to 'protect’ them for the rest of the ceremony.

### Vows

Finally, the couple exchange vows. These vows vary in structure and origin depending on your preference and heritage, ranging from Waldren vows to what little has been passed down from the marriage traditions of Feadhainn. Sometimes, the parents or families of the couple will also exchange vows, as a holdover from Waldren’s arranged marriages.

### Rings

At the very end of the ceremony, rings are exchanged.

Most likely the craftsmen in House Brody would specialize in creating them, and ceremonial rings would be made with specific carvings. As for material, iron is definitely within budget for most people, especially because the mines in the Northern Mountains are very metal-heavy in resources like iron and copper, but not super heavy on gems and rare minerals.

Wedding rings were a tradition popularized by Waldren

**Reception**

After the ceremony, tables are set up in the center of the amphitheater, and a big feast is served by the families of the couple to celebrate.

## Post-Wedding Traditions

### Honeymoon

There are no set traditions for what the couple does immediately after their wedding day, only that they have the space to pick out something to do. Some couples will choose to return home and start their life together right away, while others may take a trip somewhere.

This is often when additional marriage traditions would take place for couples with religious, ethnic,or cultural backgrounds that have their own wedding traditions.

### Names, Anniversaries, and Name Days

Anniversaries are celebrated as extra Name Days, since it is the day that the couple combined or changed their surnames to reflect their union.

In modern Duilintinn, most people will hyphenate their last names into a single shared family name. For example, when Charles Paris married Mags Greenwood, their family name became “Greenwood-Paris.” Some families will decide these extended surnames are too much of a mouthful, choosing one name for casual use and only using the hyphenated version for formal settings. Others will intentionally eschew their family name and formally take their partner’s surname, though this is only done if they plan to distance themselves from relatives on that side of the family.

Children born to partners with a family name will have the same surname as their parents. As these surnames get progressively longer, the use of a “formal” and “informal” surname will likely become more common. Unlike intentionally removing a surname, choosing an informal surname is not a sign of rejection towards the rest of one’s family. Instead, it’s considered a unique honor for the family whose name was chosen, much like the honor of naming one’s child after a close friend or relative.

## Trivia

The concept of the amphitheater-style wedding ceremony was inspired by the tumblr post pictured in screenshots on the right, written by tumblr user @nicolegendary.