Tour of Duty

**Tour of Duty** is the fifth episode of the first series of The Osbournes. It originally aired on the April 2, 2002.

## Summery

Ozzy is working out with a personal trainer in preparation for an upcoming tour. Sharon talks with a friend over the phone saying that the original name for Ozzy's tour was going to be 'Black Christmas', but was inappropriate because of the 9/11 attacks and its aftermath, so they renamed it 'Merry Mayhem'. Sharon adds that Ozzy will come on stage in a sleigh that will go around the stadium. Meanwhile, Jack attempts to build a music business for himself

On a day off, Sharon and Kelly go on a shopping spree at Saks Fifth Avenue, and loses Ozzy's credit card in the process. Panic-stricken, Kelly takes the blame for the missing card and frantically searches her car and finally finds it under the driver's seat - in the middle of the night.

The next day, Ozzy goes to band rehearsal for the tour, warning that guitarist Zakk plays louder than Satan. Later, he does a Moulin Rouge skit for more promotional purposes. Ozzy prepares to leave for tour, and Sharon remarks that he finds it very stressful when embarking on a tour. During the rehearsal, Sharon shows to Ozzy all the special effects for the shows. Ozzy is angry by all the special side effects, thinking it will distract the fans from his music. He refuses to perform two nights in a row with the silly special effects. He says Sharon only cares about the money rolling in. Somehow Sharon persuades him to do the two shows anyway, and they become a success.

## Memorable Quotes

"*I hate washing up, I hate cooking, I am never doing it again! Martha Stewart can lick my scrotum! Do we have a scrotum?*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Well originally we were going to call it "Black Christmas" but it was appropriate for at this time so we changed it to "Merry Mayhem"*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*He looks like he's been on heroin for ten years and he'll be smoking a cigarette. Yes! Very skinny Santa*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Yeah I re ensure you with this hair alone, you guys will be huge.*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*That son of ours is still in bed!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Well he's just contemplating his next move his err* "
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Yeah his next wank! Whether he uses his right hand or his left!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*My wife's a shopaholic, a spendaholic y'know. Every shopaholic needs an accomplice* "
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Just in case you were wondering. You're a shit driver!*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*The virgin Mary speaks to me! She says "You must go to Tiffany and on the way stop at Cartier"*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Fucking Hell! Serious shop! Brought another house here.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Me and Kelly kinda cover each other's asses as Ozzy shits when we go out. Kelly never misses a beat.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*When we get the studio I strongly recommend ear plugs because Zakk plays louder than fucking Satan!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I feel like a darkside hooker*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*The things I do to make a fucking living!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*You?! You! You're a fucking millionaire!*"
— Director

"*You know he was a saint? St Nicolas!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*BUBBLE?! OH C'MON SHARON! I'M FUCKING OZZY OSBOURNE THE PRINCE OF FUCKING DARKNESS! EVIL! EVIL! WHAT FUCKING EVIL HAVE A LOAD OF FUCKING BUBBLES AROUND?! Whe-when does the male strippers come one and start stroking eachother?*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*So fucking much, it never ends!*"
— Zakk Wylde