All Washed Up

**All Washed Up** is episode 150b of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on November 11, 2006.

## Synopsis

Lakeside City School becomes a haven for deadly germs after Mr. Washer quits his job and relocates to Stuyvesant High School.

## Cast (WIP)

* Eric Stuart as Mr. Washer and Rock
* Mike Pollock as Principal Walker
* Andrew Rannells as Edward and The Narrator
* Robert Capron as Eric
* Gary Sauls as Mr. Goodman and Constantinos
* Veronica Taylor as Gash Ketchup
* Rachael Lillis as Crystal
* Tress MacNeille as Nurse Fracture

While Joey doesn't have any lines, he is still listed in the end credits, likely due to laughing at the beginning of the episode. Tony makes a silent cameo appearance, but is heard loudly chewing on food.

## Trivia

* The episode title is a reference to anything that is considered far past their peak and is no longer successful, usually used to refer to an actor's career.
* Stuyvesant High School's principal is mentioned for the first time. His surname, Kahn, is a jab at Alfred R. Kahn, the former CEO of 4Kids Entertainment.
* This was the last episode to premiere in 2006.
* An Aesop:
	+ Every job is important.
	+ Just because janitors have to get their hands dirty doesn't mean you should look down on them. Not only are their jobs physically demanding, but they are the reason why you have a clean learning/working environment.

## Transcript

(The episode opens in the cafeteria. At a fancy table with tablecloth, Principal Walker is eating his lunch, and Mr. Goodman is right next to him)

**Mr. Goodman:** More salt, Principal Walker?

**Principal Walker:** Oh, thank you, Goodman.

(Mr. Goodman applies salt to Walker's food)

(Suddenly, they notice Mr. Washer approaching them)

**Mr. Washer:** (nervously grinning) Got any room for me?

**Principal Walker:** Goodman!

**Mr. Goodman:** This is the principal table. Only people with the word "principal" in their job title can sit here.

**Mr. Washer:** How come you get to sit here?

**Mr. Goodman:** I'm standing. And I'm the *vice* principal.

**Principal Walker:** Janitors sit with everybody else.

(Mr. Washer looks at the other tables)

(Tony is seen eating with Skipper. He chokes on his mashed potatoes, and Skipper punches Tony's gut to get it out. Tony coughs out the mashed potatoes, and it lands on Skipper's plate. Skipper eats it like it's nothing)

(Mr. Washer retches at the sight of this. Constantinos is heard loudly sneezing, and his snot lands in Dallas' milk, which causes the milk to turn green. Mr. Washer gags)

(Jason, Grayson, Mason and Hasten are sucking spaghetti from each other's nostrils. Joey laughs at this, with food in his mouth. The food gets all over the camera)

**Mr. Washer:** Please don't ask me to sit over there.

**Principal Walker:** Alright, busboy! (kicks him away) I won't ask! (chuckles)

(Mr. Washer lands near where Edward and Eric are eating lunch)

**Edward:** How are you, Mr. Washer?

**Mr. Washer:** (sighs) Unappreciated.

**Edward:** *We* appreciate you. Don't we, Eric?

(Eric, who is chewing on his food, shrugs)

**Mr. Washer:** Please don-

(Eric spits his food out, which covers the screen. Once it slides down, it transitions the camera to later that day, where everybody is dismissed from the cafeteria. The brothers are heading to the school gym)

**Edward:** Well...Mr. Washer made, lunch time rather interesting, don't you think?

**Eric:** Yeah, his laughter sounded like crying.

(Suddenly, they see three people coming their way on bicycles: Gash Ketchup, Rock, and Crystal. They circle the brothers and get mud all over them)

**Gash:** Oh, hi, Pearson brothers.

**Edward:** Gash Ketchup from our rival school, Stuyvesant High School? What are you doing here?

**Gash:** (laughs) We're here to show you our brand new bicycles. Have you ever seen these models before?

**Eric:** Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

**Gash:** Oh wait! Lakeside City School doesn't have anything!

(He and his friends laugh as the brothers stare at each other)

**Edward:** We have something *you* don't have!

**Crystal:** That's impossible.

**Edward:** We have a janitor!

**Gash:** So do we!

(Rock opens his eyes wide in shock, and he whispers something to Gash)

**Gash:** (gasps) Really?! (takes out a cell phone and dials a number on speed-dial) Uh, hello, Principal Kahn? This is Gash Ketchup! We have a problem!

(They cycle out of the school. A phone is heard ringing all the way from the school. The brothers head back inside, and they see Mr. Washer exiting his closet and knocking on Principal Walker's office door)

(They peek through the door's window to see what's going on)

**Mr. Washer:** Stuyvesant High School just offered me a fortune to go be their janitor.

**Principal Walker:** Fine, good riddance.

**Mr. Washer:** I'd rather stay.

**Principal Walker:** Great! Welcome aboard! Lakeside City School faculty makes minimum wage, no benefits, no vacation, bla bla blabbity blu-blu bla.

**Mr. Washer:** That sounds fine. I'd just want a new title. Something like..."principal janitor".

(Beat)

**Principal Walker:** Hang on.

(He sips into his mug and spits out coffee. He refills it and spits it out again)

**Principal Walker:** ***WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?!?!?!?!?!?!?***

(Walker immediately kicks him out)

**Principal Walker:** There's only one principal at Lakeside City School! Principal Walker! (slams the door shut)

**Mr. Washer:** (becomes mad) Welp, Stuyvesant High School, here I come. (walks away)

(The camera focuses on a picture frame of "American Gothic", with the brothers in the place of the people on the painting so that they could've discreetly eavesdropped on the conversation. They emerge from it)

**Eric:** How could he leave us?!

**Edward:** He thinks this school doesn't care about him.

(Suddenly, he gets an idea, and his head briefly turns into a lightbulb)

**Edward:** Hey, I got an idea! If we show Mr. Washer how much we care, he'll never leave us!

**Eric:** But nobody here cares.

(The camera cuts to a shot of a very dirty hallway that has been completely trashed and vandalized)

**Edward:** No. But *we* care, Eric.

**Eric:** (confused) We do?

(Eric slaps himself)

**Eric:** Oh! Yes! We do.

(The camera transitions to Mr. Washer in his closet, packing his bags)

**Mr. Washer:** (stuffs a bunch of cleaning supplies into a duffel bag) Well, at least I'll be going somewhere I'm appreciated at.

(Eric emerges from the duffel bag, and Mr. Washer yelps in fear)

**Eric:** *We* appreciate you, Mr. Washer! And as a token of our appreciation, you're invited to the grand opening of the brand new janitor's lounge!

**Mr. Washer:** The janitor's lounge?

(Eric grabs the screen and drags it to transport them to his and Edward's dorm room, which has a massage chair and is filled with candles everywhere)

**Eric:** The janitor's lounge!

**Mr. Washer:** But...this is your dorm room.

**Eric:** (ignoring this) And that means it's time for your beauty makeover!

**Edward:** Starting with the face wax! (applies it to Mr. Washer's face)

**Mr. Washer:** Whoa! This feels great!

**Edward:** Hold still!

(He grabs the face wax. He starts struggling to get it off, and he accidentally tears Mr. Washer's face open, revealing his flesh)

**Mr. Washer:** Jumping jiminy, that tingles! What's next?

**Eric:** (taken aback) Uhhhhhhhh...

(Edward frantically wraps a hot towel around Mr. Washer's face)

**Mr. Washer:** That feels good. Don't know why I haven't done this before.

(Beat)

**Mr. Washer:** How long do I keep this on?

**Eric:** Un...til the tingling stops?

**Edward:** (nervously checks his wristwatch) Well, look at the time. I think we should be heading to Gym class now, so, uhhhhhh...just wait there. (they both take off)

(Cut to a time card)

**The Narrator:** Five hours later...

(We see a first-person view of the towel)

**Edward:** We're taking the towel off now, Mr. Washer.

**Mr. Washer:** Go for it!

(Edward slowly unwraps it)

**Mr. Washer:** Gimme a mirror. (his face still hasn't healed) I'm feeling pretty!

(He calmly looks into a pocket mirror)

(The camera immediately cuts to him walking out of the school gates)

**Edward:** Come back, Mr. Washer! We didn't mean to make you scream until you fainted!

**Mr. Washer:** Thanks for caring, guys, but Stuyvesant High School pays really well. ***AND THEY LET ME KEEP MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!*** (leaves) So long.

(Principal Walker is seen passing by)

**Principal Walker:** And he wanted to be a principal janitor! He's about as useful as mints on a receptionist's desk! (laughs at his expense)

**Mr. Goodman:** He *was* our only janitor.

**Principal Walker:** We don't need a janitor! This school is as clean as a whistle.

(At that moment, he starts coughing. His eyes turn bloodshot after coughing excessively, and he collapses)

**Mr. Goodman:** Sir?

**Principal Walker:** (snorts up boogers) Goodman, I don't feel so good...

(Walker disintegrates out of existence upon saying that)

(The camera transitions to him in Nurse Fracture's office, where he is back to normal as if nothing happened)

**Nurse Fracture:** (stacks some papers) Let's catch up on your health, Principal Walker. Have you been vaccinated lately?

**Principal Walker:** I've never been vaccinated in all my life!

**Nurse Fracture:** Why not?

**Principal Walker:** I just don't trust vaccines. I mean, who knows what sort of chemicals they put in that stuff? (shovels a MacDouglas' cheeseburger into his mouth) Not to mention the government uses them to microchip you. Who would ever want to be tracked like that? (we hear a pager beeping) Whoops, I'm getting a message on my pager.

**Mr. Goodman:** Sir, you just contradicted yourself in-

**Principal Walker:** I know exactly what I'm saying, Goodman! Besides, I'm also scared of needles since they're so sharp and pointy.

**Nurse Fracture:** (sighs) Do you exercise? Wait, I already know the answer to that.

**Principal Walker:'** I hope you know my idea of exercise is getting up to find the TV remote and digging it out from underneath my couch cushion.

**Nurse Fracture:** (stern) Yes, I know. (sorts through more papers) Any vitamin supplements?

**Principal Walker:** Nope.

**Nurse Fracture:** Drink any water?

**Principal Walker:** Only soda and coffee.

**Nurse Fracture:** How many hours of sleep do you get per night?

**Principal Walker:** I dunno, like, three? I stay up watching TV and then I nap throughout the day.

**Nurse Fracture:** Do you eat vegetables?

**Principal Walker:** Nope.

**Nurse Fracture:** Fruit?

**Principal Walker:** Nope.

**Nurse Fracture:** Whole grains?

**Principal Walker:** Just the burger buns at fast food joints.

**Nurse Fracture:** Dairy?

**Principal Walker:** I ate an entire cow for lunch, if that counts.

**Nurse Fracture:** (sighs) Principal Walker, you are the unhealthiest person I've ever seen. (points to the hallway, where Tony is eating large amounts of Chinese food) Even Tony Gibbler is healthier than you are because he's up to date on his vaccines, and he even gets some sort of exercise by chasing the ice cream truck whenever he hears it. Whatever just entered your immune system is probably gonna linger in there until Mr. Washer comes back - if he ever does.

**Principal Walker:** Oh, who needs that useless piece of trash?! I could get this place clean with my own spit! (inhales and spits onto the ground)

(Suddenly, his spit melts a hole into the ground as if it were acid)

(The camera transitions to the cafeteria, which is a pigsty due to Mr. Washer's absence)

**Principal Walker:** Goodman!

(Walker is shown to be in worse condition. Mr. Goodman approaches him, wearing a hazmat suit)

**Principal Walker:** Where's my food?!

**Mr. Goodman:** Winifred didn't come in today.

**Principal Walker:** (snorts up mucus dripping from his nose) Why not?

**Mr. Goodman:** Well, sir, she's afraid you're gonna get her sick, and with Mr. Washer not being here to clean this place up, that's not helping any matters. And she's the same person who adds her own armpit hair to the food.

(Walker sneezes all over the glass on Mr. Goodman's hazmat suit. Mr. Goodman pushes a button on it, and the mucus gets wiped away)

**Principal Walker:** You don't think I'm sick, do ya, Goodman?

**Mr. Goodman:** We all do, sir.

(The camera pans out to reveal everybody taking cover behind the cafeteria's tables, all of which are flipped over)

**Edward:** (through a megaphone) PRINCIPAL WALKER!

**Eric:** (takes the megaphone) YOU'RE A VERY SICK MAN!

**Edward:** (takes it back) IN BOTH WAYS, BY THE WAY!

**Eric:** (grabs it again as well) YOU NEED TO CALL MR. WASHER!

**Principal Walker:** AND MAKE HIM PRINCIPAL JANITOR?! (sniffles) ***NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!*** I'M NOT SICK!!!!!!!

(He's heard collapsing and vomiting offscreen)

**Edward:** I wish Mr. Washer was here.

**Eric:** Yeah, this place is starting to smell. And I'm sure he misses us.

(The camera immediately cuts to Mr. Washer receiving a back massage at Stuyvesant High School, and he sighs in relief as he takes a sip from a drink)

**Edward:** Principal Walker isn't gonna get any better until this place is sterile. (gets an idea) Hang on! I know someone who's in worse condition.

(The camera cuts to Constantinos in his dorm room, where he's bedridden and sneezing)

**Constantinos:** Who took my medicine?

(The camera pans out to reveal Edward and Eric hiding Constantinos' meds behind his back. One of the pill bottles slip out from Eric, and he sheepishly swipes it back before Constantinos can notice)

**Edward:** (clears his throat) Principal Walker took them.

**Constantinos:** Principal Walker?! Doesn't he know how sick I am?!

**Eric:** Uhhh...why don't you show him?

**Edward:** Up close?

**Eric:** And personal?