Once Upon A Time In McDonaldland

None of this makes any sense, this can't be how it happened. Oh sorry about dear, I was just looking through some of the old case files regarding the McDonalds company and to my shock and anger they have skimmed over massive parts of how Ronald McDonald went on his journey to become the tyrannical ruler of McDonaldland which resulted in his own death. Well, I'm sure you've heard the story of how that all went down, so I shan't bore you with the details, I shall instead tell you the story of what led up to the day that the mighty Hamburglar decided that enough was enough and that something needed to be done about that dreaded fast food clown. My name is Jonathan Maguire, and as a fast food agent I am in charge of investigating any irregularities with fast food places. I had tried many times over the years to find out more about McDonaldland especially once corpses started to turn up in the land left right and centre, but was prevented in doing so by the crooked Ronald McDonald who had the entire land under his yellow smelly cheese stained thumb. Now before we discuss Ronald's descent into madness, let's perhaps instead start with the day that clown came to stay. Long ago and yet not so very long, the McDonalds fast food company was founded and the company decided that in order to market their food they needed a mighty mascot. Initially, they asked the mighty Hyman Roth to be their spokesman. Roth was an incredibly powerful man even back in those times, and sadly he didn't do much but anger the execs at McDonalds? Why? Well you see; Roth wasn't too keen on the cheese burgers that he was being paid to endorse, and upon being added a burger in one of the first adverts ever to be shot for the company Roth simply sneered at the burger as he remarked, "these burgers are never accurate enough for my taste." Roth was also very senile and spent most of the ad talking about his plans to relocate to Miami. It took a man like Hyman Roth to get everyone to the dinner table, but sadly the advert wasn't able to be used because ya know that ole Roth is a bit of a blowhard if you catch my drift. Catch it like a cold. Hmm, now that's a stretch.

The company happened upon Ronald McDonald in the most darndest of ways, one of the company's execs was out on an evening jog when she spotted Ronald just walking down the lane without a care in the world. Ronald back then was a very different clown. He was genuinely a very happy go lucky guy with a spring in his step, and he also had a much dopier sounding voice which made ole Ronald sound like a proper custard maker. Anyways, Ronald walked up to the exec and asked, "excuse me mam do you have change for a change?" Ronald laughed at his joke, but the exec was far too cunning and had proceeded to stuff Ronald into an old smelly gym bag and she then headed back to the restaurant in order to present them with their new mascot. Also before introducing the rest of the staff to Ronald, the exec asked the rest of the staff about the possibility of adding a chickenless chicken nugget, but the rest of the staff were wise to the plot and knew that if without chicken then a chicken nugget would have no punchline. In any case, Ronald was brought out from the bag and he didn't seem all that bothered by his kidnapping as he joked, "hey is the room spinning or is just me?" The head exec; Michael Chairman sipped on a cup of tea very slowly I might add as he said, "ah Ronald you're a fine young man." He then began laughing hysterically at Ronald's earlier joke, well as hysterically as a man can laugh when they are the age of 102. Mr Chairman took a real liking to Ronald, and he also seems to like delayed jokes as he laughed at Ronald's horrid joke two minutes after the fact. It was ancient history by that point Chair baby! Mr Chairman rose from his rotting chair as he walked on over to Ronald and placed his hands upon the clown's shoulders as he then asked, "it is just Ronald isn't it lad?" "That's right!" Ronald proclaimed at the very top of his lungs like some kind of El Macho as Mr Chairman then offered Ronald the chance of a lifetime. He offered Ronald the job of official spokesperson for the McDonalds company. Naturally, Ronald immediately agreed and he began shaking Mr Chairman's hands in order to cement the deal which nearly killed the man as Ronald was quite a strong handshaker even before his descent into power where he would go on to shake hands with the richest of business people who smile at you even while you take a shit in a nearby trash can. Sorry about that, my nephew pressured me to add that one, he's a real walnut.

Ahem! In any case, Ronald was very happy to have a new gig as the spokesman for McDonalds as he was finally able to leave his old job at the circus who were very mean to Ronald and would always accuse him of stealing peanuts. They suspected that Ronald was shoving the peanuts into his wig, and this had been proven true on one occasion when an old fart found a peanut inside Ronald's ear, well that's not his wig then is it? Stupid bastards, but whatever, Ronald eventually appeared in his first ever commercial for the McDonaldland company. Ronald stood outside in the McDonalds parking lot raving about how good the McDonalds food was, and he was wearing a food tray on his hand and he looked proper dumb as he made his way inside the restaurant. Now even as a young clown even before earning his dreaded reputation, Ronald still had a temper even back in the 1960's back when the world was new and before Zeus hurled his thunderbolt, and this could be plainly seen when as Ronald was showing off a burger it was taken from him by the voiceover narrator who reminded Ronald that there was a time and place for mucking around or something, and ole Ronald looked proper cross when that happened I tell you what as he placed his hands on his hips as if he was throwing a hissy fit like a girl. Oh Ronald grow up! Unlike his predecessor Hyman Roth, Ronald was actually able to remain focus and as such the commercial was filmed without any hiccups, and as if by magic overnight Ronald had become an overnight success, and he was so convinced that he was going to be a big hit for the company that he had his surname legally changed to McDonald. What his surname was before that is anyone's guess, and some day I will find out because trust me I keep an active file. Wink. Anyways, Ronald was really moving on up as he made a real mint from just one commercial and used to buy an apartment house in the heart of Los Angeles, but he made a personal vow never to let the money and fame get to his head, a vow of which he sadly ended up neglecting time after time.

Now back in the 1960's, Ronald was a lot more transparent with his cruelty whereas in his later years he learned the way to perfectly mask his cruel nature with a jolly façade. This was perhaps best demonstrated in the second commercial that Ronald filmed for the company in which he approached a child named Mickey Bob who was about to nick milk lollies from a local shop, and he offered Mickey a burger. Mickey ate the burger as he then said, "Mom told me never to talk to strangers." Bit late for you to suddenly start acting noble Mickey Bob! "Well your mother is right as always, but I am Ronald McDonald!" Ronald proclaimed happily as he then grabbed Mickey by the arm and rudely dragged him towards the local McDonalds, and when Mickey Bob tried to make a break for it Ronald pinned him to the ground and began beating him the snot out of him. "You dare mock me boy! This shall not go unpunished" Ronald yelled in his rage. Thankfully, the production crew that filmed said commercial were very cunning as they edited the commercial heavily so that Ronald could not be liable of being sued. Not like it mattered anyway, as McDonalds made sure to get Ronald the best lawyer in town in case anything ever went wrong. After making a few commercials, Ronald was starting to rise up the company's hierarchy and it was around this time that Michael Chairman opted to take early retirement. There was nothing left in Los Angeles for ole Chair since his wife passed and he was planning on retiring someplace warm anyway. He retired to Lost Heaven, where he began relaxing on a beach in Central only to get harassed constantly by a raison journalist who pulled very weird faces when Mr Chairman brought up the fact that he didn't like Raison Bran. I mean does anyone really? I mean that I certainly don't, but the question is do you? So with Michael Chairman leaving the nest so to speak, Ronald became the top dog or top clown I guess and it was through him that some of the company's most iconic additions came to be such as the aforementioned McDonaldland, but more on that later on the doc.

It was through Ronald, that the company added the famous McFlurry. Ronald had gotten the idea one day while driving his clown car through the streets only to end up crashing into an old oak tree. Ronald recovered quickly as he had used the emergency eject button to throw himself out of the car and onto the pavement. Getting up from the pavement, Ronald looked towards the sunrise and eyed upon one beautiful sight. He saw a little dinky ice cream just chilling on a street corner. Ronald smiled the creepiest smile you'd ever see as he began creepily walking towards the van as an idea had entered his foul mind. Ronald suggested the addition of an ice cream themed delicacy to his staff, and he also suggested the name McFlurry. Ronald then went on to say that he wanted the company to make sure that the ice cream machine broke now regularly and that way people wouldn't get too accustomed to the cold, and thus put the chill on Ronald's thrill. After getting a round of applause over his McFlurry idea, Ronald smiled widely as he suddenly came to a realization. He actually enjoyed the way that people cheered for him, and came to realise that the applause of the people was his drug. Ronald made his way down the damp hallway and into a canteen where he got himself a cheese burger. Ronald began making a real mess of the burger as he was trying to find the gherkin that some one had stuck to the top of it. Ronald hated gherkins, and he wanted all burgers to come with them so that other people could suffer as he suffered. One of Ronald's distressed looking staff members then came over to Ronald's checked table as he whispered something into Ronald's rotten ear. Ronald leaned back into his chair as he remarked, "looks like things are getting a little dicey." He took a sip from his shake as he put on his running shoes and left the restaurant through the cat flap as McDonalds was actually very lenient back then and allowed cats into the restaurant, but they quickly stopped that when people would be so distracted by the cuteness of the cats that they wouldn't eat their food or would instead feed some to the cats. This angered the company greatly, and as such cat flaps were promptly removed from all of the McDonalds restaurants. Not like it mattered anyway as cat flaps make your teeth go grey.

According to the staff member from earlier, Ronald's main supplier of chicken nuggets had to go on the run after running afoul of a loan shark in Burro Heights, and so in their absence Ronald decided to drive around town in his newly purchased Ascot Bailey as he tried his best to find a new supplier of his chicken nuggets. He briefly considered the farm in Dukes which was owned by the Tinman, but Ronald was scared of ole Tinny and he was the only one that Ronald truly feared well he also feared the wastebaskets who would go on to become his killers, but regardless, Ronald decided against it as Tinman was far too cruel and would not agree to work with Ronald unless he was given free oil ups every hour on the hour. Tinman also was not someone that you could say no, and if you dared refuse him he would pull out his axe and chop your beautiful head off. He showed no misery or remorse when he did the deed, as he was no man of human kind for instead he was only a man of tin and tar. Tinman's tears were pure tar. Ruling out the Tinman, Ronald settled upon a farm a few miles up the hill which was the one place in Los Angeles which has always stayed the same, and these days there is a statue of Ronald on the hill which is covered in bird shit. Well either that or really rotten milk as the smell is kind of hard to distinguish so me no know. Anyways, this farm was run by a man named Farmer Red who was very nice albeit a little too obsessed with the colour red as he had a big red barn and inside the big red barn he had a big red ball which he had stolen from the big red house down the big red street which was owned by an old man who has no clock upon his wall so he has to make the chiming noises himself. Oh, what a salmon sandwich! Ronald approached the farm, and was able to get past the guard dogs by giving them steak laced with sleeping pills. So many sleeping pills that Ronald probably nearly killed the little pooches, but whatever. However, not all of the guard dogs were affected by the pills as a little puppy came up to Ronald and licked him right on the button as Ronald then laughed a mighty laugh before asking, "and what's your name little fella?" "That would be Sundae good Sir, and may I help you with something?" A voice asked in the distance as Farmer Red made his presence known. He was drinking smoking a pack of Redwood Cigarettes. His wife had tried to get him to switch to Toliver's, but he claimed they hurt his ass.

Farmer Red was delighted when he learned that Ronald needed his help, and brought Ronald into the nearby aforementioned big red barn for some tea and scones. Ronald hated scones, but remained polite as he bit into one of the scones which had so much jam inside of it that it went all over the green carpet. Yes, for some reason, Farmer Red had placed a carpet on the floor of the barn and it used to be red, and that's really gross. Also during this little escapade with Ronald, Farmer Red was eating a packet of crisps, and what crisps was he eating I hear you not asking? Well, my friends he was eating a packet of Ready Salted. Ha ha Ready Salted! What a man that Farmer Red. Farmer Red then asked, "so what brings you to my humble residence Mr McDonald? I hear it all over the radio you're headed for big things." Ronald wiped the jam from his mouth as he said, "well you see; I've come to you as my company and I are suffering from a supply issue of sorts." "Go on." Farmer Red said as Ronald proceeded to ask Red if he would like to become his partner in the trade and would supply Ronald with some of his chickens if Ronald loaned a large sum of cash into Red's bank account every month. Farmer Red paused for a moment as he raised an eyebrow as Ronald asked nervously, "so what do you say? Will you help?" Farmer Red smiled a cheeky onion cat smile as he said, "of course I will Ronald! I hear great things in our future Ronnie. Great things." However before signing the contract to supply Ronald with chickens, Farmer Red asked for Ronald's help with the farmer's market. Back then, Ronald wasn't as lazy and was a lot more honourable and as such he agreed happily to help Farmer Red with the farmer's market in which both men had to sell books to a bunch of lawyers who had no toenails. Where be their toenails? I heard they were lost at sea. Farmer Red and Ronald went on to become partners and have been ever since. Even after Ronald became a dictator, Farmer Red remained none the wiser and like many people he thought the rumours of Ronald McDonald being a tyrant which were just rumours, and completely heartbroken when he found out that they were actually real.

After making the deal with Red, Ronald spent the next couple years bringing McDonalds to the forefront of everyone's minds when it came to fast food. He also finally changed his look. He threw away the food tray, bought himself a new clown wig, and changed his attire however this was the 1970's so this was during the era when Ronald had gigantic thighs, and this was a result of Ronald stuffing beanbag chairs under his trousers. His staff had tried to get him to reconsider by pointing out how bad it looked, but Ronald decided not to head their warnings as he claimed the hugeness made him appear more bigger and a larger threat to his enemies. Ronald then made a big decision, and it was this decision that would finally bring McDonalds to the very top of the fast food world. He decided to create McDonaldland. Ronald left the city of Los Angeles behind, and searched over the hills and far away until he found a large empty field of grasslands which stretched all the way to Vice City and Ronald smiled like some kind of Uncle Ian as he remarked, "time to set it off Ronald time to set it off." However, Ronald was forbade from setting up shop there by the cynical landowners who proceeded to falcon punch Ronald all the way back to his tome turf, however on his travels Ronald ended up going a tad off course and he fell into a large town just a few miles away from the fields that Ronald was just at. The town was large, and the name of the town was Chicken Town, and it was beautiful. Ole Ronald had never seen anything quite like it in all his days! The street lamps were made from straws, the rivers were made of ketchup, and the streets all smelt like the inside of a McDonalds bag. There was to Ronald's delight anthromorphic pieces of food walking around which is when he became introduced to McDonalds mainstays like Mayor McCheese, Officer Big Mac, the Fry Kids, and the McNugget Buddies. That was when Ronald eyed upon Birdie The Early Bird who was walking towards the hair salon in order to get her beak waxed for she had a big date that evening at the dance hall in Albany. Ronald placed his hands upon his chest as he watched Birdie enter the salon and he remarked, "that is one hot dame."

Not wanting a chance like this to pass him by, Ronald ran across the street screaming like a mad clown as he opened the door to the salon and asked Birdie for her hand in marriage. The owner of the salon was a heavily built thug with a mop for hair and he grabbed Ronald's arm with his hairy arm as he threatened him with, "let's not have any trouble shall we? Come on, get out of here before you go and make a fool of yourself." Ronald seemed to agree, and turned to leave only to then turn back around and stab the owner in the chest with a pair of scissors which he had stuffed inside his pockets. You really shouldn't be carrying scissors in your pocket Ronald, but what do I know hey. I'm just a graduate of the Milkshake Academy with a license from Captain Frosty Mug himself, but whatever Ronald then walked over to Birdie in a weird way and it made it look ole Ronald had shat in his pants. He bent down on one ear and pulled a French fry out from his ear, and he proceeded to manipulate the French fry so that it now resembled a wedding ring. "So what do you say darling? Oh, Earth angel won't you be mine?" Ronald asked as Birdie then said, "okay." She said that in an incredibly dumb sounding voice which is very out of character for ole Birdie I must say, Birdie was one of the smarter characters in McDonaldland. She had been raised in Utica upstate New York, and had studied at Fordham University and was considered well educated or in the very least as educated as a chicken can be when they're walking in Chicken Town. Walking through the streets of Chicken Town, Ronald and Birdie stomped their feet or talons in Birdie's case upon the pavement in an attempt to keep themselves warm as they had themselves a drink at Old Joe's. Downing his pint of lager, Ronald asked Birdie if she had ever been with anyone before him. "Well, I'm kind of seeing someone right now but I don't really like the guy all that much, I mean he can't even make very good fruit cake." "And who exactly is or was this mystery man or woman?" Ronald asked as he looked out the window and saw a man marrying a streetlight, and Birdie then said, "his name is the Burger Prince."

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King, for some people it's a matter of circumstance. Two fast food mascots that should have been friends, but their personalities got in the way. Ronald was an excellent clown of business but with a horrid temper and murderous streak, and the Burger King was a quiet man who always cowered in the faces of his enemies. Back in these times, the King was not yet known as the Burger King and was still referred to as the Burger Prince. Ronald knew who the Burger King was, as Burger King had already opened up several restaurants around the same time that McDonalds had done much to Ronald's anger. The Burger King's parents had pressured him into getting married, and he settled upon Birdie The Early Bird as he liked the way she played to the beat of her own drum whatever that means, though he just be referring to the fact that before moving to Chicken Town Birdie had played in a marching band which were very cruel as the drums they used in their marches were sentient and would scream in pain as they played them. Poor drums, and there was also walking drums in the marching band that had legs with flippers on their feet and the walking drums nicknamed walkies also wore snorkles and goggles like they were about to go swimming or some shit. Oh for fuck's sake! My nephew appears to have added that part into my case notes, when I see that boy again I'll make sure that he never eats lunch in this town again! Birdie and the King dated for a couple months, but Birdie hated to admit it she never really saw the King as someone she could spend the rest of her life with as he was far too vain. He's so vain he probably thought those dates were about him. Birdie didn't really like Ronald that much either, but feared that if she didn't get married she would become an old maid and when she brought this up to Ronald he laughed hysterically which made her very angry but she made no comment about it. And so, three days later, Ronald and Birdie were married at Chichester Chapel in Empire Bay and were married by Archbishop Hall who was just a humble priest back then.

All of the residents of Chicken Town were present to the wedding, and Ronald being very cruel also invited the Burger King to the wedding just to make him feel jealous. The King acted very awkward during the wedding, and hid at the back of the chapel against the wall as Ronald and Birdie had their first dance as a couple. Ronald went on over to the King and proclaimed, "yo Burger King rap with me brother!" The King glared at Ronald as he grabbed the clown by the collar as he barked, "mark my words clown, you have just made yourself a powerful enemy. You haven't seen the last of me." The King then turned on his heal and disappeared back into the shadows of the night. Mayor McCheese walked up to Ronald and said, "I hate to see him go but I love watching him leave." Yep, ole Mayor McCheese had a thing for the Burger King. So, it is true society is to blame. Ronald then laughed as he asked Mayor McCheese who I should probably state was not the Mayor yet as he was actually just a humble street poet who had a lot of passion for one cheeseburger. Ronald asked Mayor McCheese the reasoning behind the name of the town, and McCheese revealed that there really was no reason for the name Chicken Town it was just a name that someone suggested at a town meeting and it stuck. "It's just that I happen to have my own idea for a name for this town." Ronald said as Mayor McCheese asked, "oh really do tell." "Here's a mad idea." Ronald said as he then suggested the name McDonaldland and of course Mayor McCheese and everyone else at the wedding loved the idea. Ronald had the town's name legally changed from Chicken Town to McDonaldland in order to make all visitors and locals of the town be welcome not just chickens like Birdie and the McNugget Buddies. It's just good business dear reader. Ronald then realised that in order for a town to keep on running, they need to have a mayor, and so Ronald proved a big help in winning Mayor McCheese the title of Mayor in his run for office against rival clown Pennywise.

To help Mayor McCheese, Ronald and Officer Big Mac went around town in an old RV and using a megaphone they badmouthed Pennywise by saying that he had stuffed ass gas inside balloons and that he likes to rub battery acid on his head. Both of those rumours were actually true, but they had no way of knowing that. Pennywise was so broken hearted by the mean comments of Ronald and Officer Big Max that he fled to the town next door where he began hiding people's towels as they hung the washing out to dry. If you saw him, Pennywise would glare at you with the most sinister glare that the world has ever yet know but deep down like Uncle Leone all Pennywise really wanted was clarity. Funnily enough well it's not really funny, in the later years of McDonaldland when Ronald became el dictator, he and Pennywise became very close friends. Pennywise often hoped that the Gods would paint a picture of him in the stars and people would see it and proclaim, "that's Ronald's boy!" Ronald would then cry tears right from his ass, yes he cries tears from his ass and are you really surprised? With Pennywise impeached, Mayor McCheese won the vote with a landslide majority. Over the course of his reign as Mayor, McCheese would not stray far away from his own vices as he was frequently dogged with rumours of being a cannibal as pictures of him eating cheese burgers were leaked all over the news and he also was accused of delaying democratic elections and using government money to build his very own house made all out of wood for keeping you dry when it's raining. Probably not a good idea to have the house be made of wood Mayor McCheese as McDonaldland had a real infestation of termites. With Mayor McCheese running the town and Officer Big Mac serving as the law provider, McDonaldland was thriving and Ronald began shooting some commercials there which were all above board at first.

In one commercial, Ronald introduced the kids watching at home to McDonalds safety cups to wear upon their wrists so that they didn't get hurt Bert, and during another commercial Ronald talked about what to get people for Christmas and suggested mailing people McDonalds food for the holidays. "A coke in a stocking." Ronald said as he pulled a very weird face as he stuffed a coke inside a stocking which made a real fucking mess. It was around this time, that Ronald was introduced to three residents of McDonaldland who would come to change his life in many ways as the years would come to perform their terrible dance on the people of McDonaldland. One of those people or well two of those people I should say was the wastebaskets who would often sing to Ronald and all of the other residents not to forget to feed them. The wastebaskets would always walk into rooms uninvited while singing, "don't forget to feed the wastebaskets! At McDonalds at McDonaldland at McDonalds." Ronald always looked incredibly shocked whenever the wastebaskets started dancing towards him, and despite his fear of them he felt no qualms in making fun of them and throwing trash down their mouths before the poor little baskets even had the chance to properly chew it all down. If only Ronald had known that these wastebaskets were going to kill him years later, then perhaps then he wouldn't have been so foolish. I guess you could call him penny foolish! Ha ha no, and regardless of that fact the wastebaskets actually were very important to the residents of McDonaldland as they helped to keep trash off the streets by eating it. They were kind of like the dustbin men of the McDonaldland empire, and though Ronald feared them he saw no reason to get rid of them as they did after all serve a purpose. Ronald saw no need in disposing of things if they were providing him with a service, and it wasn't just the wastebaskets that Ronald became wary of this as he was then introduced to Grimace who back then was much more evil and he had a nasty design.

Grimace back in these days had very sharp teeth, was incredibly slim like some kind of Micah Bell, and had large bulging eyes like some kind of Luca Brasi and he looked like someone you did not want to mess with. Grimace owned his own land back in these times and it was called Grimace Land. Ronald sometimes snuck past the fences into Grimace Land as they happened to be the home turf of some local meaches which Ronald planned on putting in a pie as the meaches from Grimace Land are the nicest most tastiest meaches in the world. Sadly, Grimace was very evil and he patrolled the lanes of Grimace Land night and day. Ronald and his gigantic thighs sat down on a rock in Grimace Land as he pondered a ponder about how to steal the meaches. Thinking quickly, Ronald disguised himself as a mailman. POSTMAN PAT! As a mailman, Ronald provided Grimace with a letter claiming that Grimace had been invited to take part in the McDonaldland beauty content. Being a monster of very little mind, Grimace believed the lie instantly and made his departure sealing it with a fart that was so toxic Ronald had to wear a gas mask as he made his way into the fields and stole the biggest meaches that he could find. He had himself enough meaches to produce at least 50 pies. Was Ronald going to be adding the meaches pies to the menu? Well, you'd be wrong as Ronald was actually baking the pies for Birdie's birthday and also to celebrate his first year in McDonaldland. Ronald was very charitable back then, and he always cared a great deal about birthdays and anniversaries, and when Birdie forgot their second day anniversary Ronald flew off the handle and barred Birdie from their couple's picnic and he also gave the cucumber sandwiches she had made to his newly bought dog Sundae.

Yes, Ronald bought Sundae from Farmer Red who in a rare moment of evilness told Ronald that he was glad to see the dog gone, and Ronald learned the hard way that Red had been right as on the train ride back to McDonaldland, Sundae began freaking out and took a dump on a man's laptop and when he woke up he thought that the man sitting across from him had done the smelly deed and he proceeded to stab the man with the end of an umbrella which was doused in Filippo Berio Olive Oil. Hashtag not sponse. Oh my goodness hashtag not sponse? What have I become? I'll be endorsing Love O Matic Grampa next. Ronald and Sundae dug into their pies as Grimace appeared in McDonaldland and he looked dumbfounded like an ant which had found it's ant colony drowned in water as he cried, "hey where's the beauty contest?" Feeling bad for Grimace, Ronald wrapped his arm around the purple monster as he sang, "if you need to know the measure of a man, you simply count his friends!" Ronald then invited Grimace to tea, and he agreed happily. "I'll only have a small bite." Grimace said as he ended up eating the entire rest of the pie platter much to Ronald's shock. In truth, Ronald used to be disgusted by Grimace's eating habits and greedy nature but in later years he saw this as something that he could exploit, which goes to show just how much the evil fast food clown changed. Just gonna have be a different clown, time may change him but he can't change time. Grimace grew to change very quickly as within just a few years he had gained a lot of weight, he lost the sharp teeth following a visit to a dentist named El Grecco. El Grecco the dentist not the fucking painter. Grimace also moved away from Grimace Land and became a permanent resident of McDonaldland and actually bunked with Ronald inside his old smelly cottage. Back then, Ronald had a little cottage and that cottage was enough. Then there was the third person that was introduced to Ronald who would go on to become his arch nemesis, and that person was of course none other thsn the Hamburglar himself. Yes, the Hamburglar dearest reader the very man who sought to bring an end to Ronald McDonald's tyranny by any means necessary.

Now, originally, Hamburglar was quite deserving of Ronald's hatred as he regularly tried to steal burgers right from under Ronald's nose. Ronald however was much kinder and would occasionally give the Hamburglar a burger and he also applauded for the Hamburglar when he went through his jogging phase during a period where he briefly redubbed himself as the Lone Jogger, but that didn't last as the local construction workers would mock Hamburglar constantly for the weird sounds he made while jogging which sounded like someone farting out birdseeds. Ronald still considered Hamburglar a friend back in these times, and would happily invite Hamburglar along whenever he, Sundae, Birdie, Grimace, and co would go on their annual trips into the countryside using the same old RV that Ronald and Officer Big Mac had used to help Mayor McCheese with his election campaign. So, you see its all coming together like a beautiful synagogue. Like peaches and cream in an ashtray, these trips to the country were very nice and the entire McDonaldland gang spend the trips singing songs about how there's nothing quite like the great outdoors. "Like birds." Birdie sang. "And bugs." The McNugget Buddies chimed in. "And lots of love!" Grimace sang while pulling an incredibly weird face which looked like he was really trying to hold a fart in but he knows that he can't, and he ended up letting it rip during one incredibly long car journey and everyone turned to look at him with smug faces and Grimace didn't know what to say so he just kind of awkwardly shifted his eyes towards the window. Ronald and co would camp out in the forest and would spend their evenings breaking into castles which formally belonged to Willie The Giant. Willie The Giant had a lot of property and he never bothered putting them up for market so they technically still belonged to him, and this was the reason that he was still charged rent for the castles much to his shock. Sadly, these trips out into the sticks would grow to become a lot less frequent as time went on as Ronald didn't really like driving other people around as he would make a big stink about the rise in price for gas even though all his friends had chipped in with their own dosh, but Ronald didn't give two shits.

Along came Captain Crook who would later go on to serve Ronald loyally as his accountant. Captain Crook was the Squidward Tentacles equivalent of McDonaldland, and he was treated as a lapdog by Ronald and the rest of his cronies. Even nice characters like Hamburglar and Birdie The Early Bird treated Crook poorly. Captain Crook craved cheeseburgers, and in a curious twist of honey nut cheerio's he was kind of addicted to them. He would have recurring dreams where he would be lying in his pirate ship in bed at night and on his ceiling he would see Ronald dancing as he beckoned for Crook to join him. Captain Crook would sadly wake up before the good stuff could happen, and then he would charge his way on over to the local McDonalds where Ronald would be having an early lunch. "Ahoy! How about a cheese burger for me?" Captain Crook would ask. "Oh no Captain Crook not until you learn to smile!" Ronald would respond and Captain Crook was unable to smile for a personal reason that is so personal it's almost a crime, and Ronald also hated Crook greatly and thus refused to give him any. It was also around this time that Ronald began getting harassed by the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham. Especially after Ronald insulted the weight of one of their members named Two Chin Tsao. Back in the 1970's and 1980's, Ronald sometimes ran the frontlines at certain McDonalds restaurants and would man the front register like it his own child. One day, Mr Tsao came into a local McDonalds and asked for a big mac, Ronald snickered a snicker as he pointed at Tsao and joked, "I think you've had way too many of those!" Tsao left in a huff and went he got outside in the parking lot with a big mac he had stolen from a sweet old lady named Mable, he ended up tripping in a puddle and he got his food all over the fucking place. Tsao then got up from the floor, and yelled at his bodyguards. "Why didn't you stand up for me? It's your job isn't it!? Fucking rodents!" Tsao barked as he got into his limo and because of his fat ass the limo ended up toppling over to the one side. Ronald had a point. Two Chin Tsao was incredibly fat, and if he kept on eating the way he was eating we were going to have to start calling him Three Chin Tsao!

Two Chin Tsao brought his alleged mistreatment along to his friends in the Easily Offended Knights and they agreed that something needed to be done about Ronald. So, the Knights kept Ronald under a close eye or at least that's what they told ole Two Chin that they would be doing. Lady Birkshire a high-ranking Knight never really cared for Tsao, and only kept him around since she admired his dedication to the Knights and their cause. Lady Birkshire paid a visit to Ronald at his cottage, and asked if what Tsao had said was sure but Ronald denied it and Lady Birkshire smiled an incredibly smug smile as she proclaimed, "oh what a relief!" Ronald however became very mean towards fat people as time past, and as one Halloween he dressed up as an obese person. The McNugget Buddies were very scared during the Halloween season and Ronald would attempt to comfort them by asking why they were scared. "Because we're chicken!" The McNugget Buddies cried at the top of their lungs to which Ronald looked genuinely surprised as he then responded with, "oh you don't want to be chicken on Halloween!" Ronald finally lost those gigantic thighs of his as he began venturing outside the walls of McDonaldland for his commercials and would sometimes occupy local rundown lakes which were covered in ice, and if he saw you hanging around by yourself oh man if he saw you hanging around by yourself he would charge at you in his ice skates and then pick you up and he demanded that you smile. "I love to see you smile!" Ronald would proclaim as he will then squeeze the air out from your lungs in order to get a grin, and it has to be a genuine one not a fake one and believe me dear reader ole Ronald McDonald can tell. He has eyes for pies. For the next several years well into the 1990's peace and harmony reigned in McDonaldland, but sorry folks this apparently can't last as Ronald decided that he had bigger plans than trees and this all happened after a fateful encounter with one of his security guards at a McDonalds restaurant up in Buffalo. Buffalo isn't that where the cookie crumbles? Yes, it is, but that's another story.

Due to his fear of the Burger King or that new guy on the block Jack Box possibly sending a mole into one of his restaurants, Ronald like some kind of John Lumic decided that he needed extra staff and began hiring more security guards for his restaurants. He had been become wary of someone sending a mole into his organisation after the Burger King sent a health inspector into a McDonalds restaurant up in Baltimore after hours one night, and upon entering the restaurant the health inspector who looked a lot like Farmer Pickles only more tired was horrified to see a bunch of rats running around eating McDonalds chicken nuggets. Do you know what people would say if they knew that Ronald had a rat in his kitchen? They'd close him down! Thankfully, the health inspector pressed no charges for he was incredibly tired. He was quite annoying that health inspector as he never really listens to people when they call him up about an infestation and just looks tired. Don't you think he looks tired? One of Ronald's newly hired security guards was a big brute of a man named Razoul. Razoul was very much hoping to one day become Ronald's right-hand man so that he make his place in the Sun, and he was also hoping that Ronald would one day give him his dues whatever that means. Razoul was corrupt however in spite of his skills as a security guard, and he was incredibly brutal as he would chop the hand off anyone who dares to try and steal from one of the restaurants that he was guarding. Razoul didn't really enjoy working at McDonalds and only got a job there to appease his friends in the Grand Court, and he was very pleased whenever he left the building in the morning. One day, Ronald arrived at the McDonalds in Buffalo and he walked in through the front door just as Razoul was walking out. Razoul took in a deep breath of the early morning breeze as he remarked, "ah dawn!" "Ah Razoul, I'm glad I ran into you!" Ronald proclaimed happily as Razoul then asked, "how come?" "Razoul I order you to stop being so violent with our customers. We want them to spend cash on our food not on a lawyer that can sue us for all we are worth." Ronald whined. Razoul wiped the sweat from his throbbing brow with a red handkerchief as he then said, "who you think you fooling Ronald? I don't take orders from you, my orders come from Mayor McCheese you'll have to take it up with him." Razoul then left the scene farting violently as he did so as it was time for him to have a lamb and mint pie for his breakfast. Razoul was one crazy turkey twizler as he had his tea for breakfast and his breakfast for supper. How, delightful.

Ronald knew what Razoul meant, and he shuttered at the thought. He found that in recent times, the residents of McDonaldland weren't treating him with the respect that he felt that he rightfully deserved and so in his first moment of villainy he decided that something needed to be done about. Ronald had decided to kill Mayor McCheese. He knew that no one was going to miss the old fart as he had been Mayor for decades, and aside from accusations of him being a cannibal he was also noted for his weird habits such as bus surfing and skinny dipping or sky diving as he would try and lie in front of the judgemental Ronald McDonald. Ronald knew full well that he could get Officer Big Mac on board with the murder, as Officer Big Mac didn't really like working under Mayor McCheese and found the Mayor's cannibal ways absolutely disgusting. Around this time, Ronald convinced Grimace not to trust anyone else in McDonaldland other than him and he promised the fat purple sandwich chaser free burgers just as long as he did his bidding. Grimace put up no resistance, and Ronald thanked him for that. Ronald and Officer Big Mac plotted together inside Ronald's little dinky cottage which Ronald was quickly beginning to grow tired of. The following evening, following a conference with the residents of the nearby Wendys Land, Mayor McCheese and Ronald made their way out of the Mayor's Manor in French Fry Boulevard as the Mayor then said, "those guys from Wendy's really freak me out with how quickly they were roasting us." "Yeah I know what you mean." Ronald laughed, albeit a little forced but Mayor McCheese didn't notice or pretended not to notice as he and Ronald approached the Mayor's car and his regular driver was standing next to the car smoking a cigarette, or at least that's how it appeared at first. Suddenly, the driver fell to the floor dead having had his throat slit by Officer Big Mac. Officer Big Mac ate the knife in one big bite as he greeted Mayor McCheese with, "evening my Mayor shame huh?" He then held up a criminal intelligence report wrapped in tin foil as he remarked, "he was carrying this. They're addressed to the CEO. They're from you."

Officer Big Mac had said that last part of the sentence in an incredibly sinister tone of voice, and before Mayor McCheese could even react Ronald had knocked him out by dropping a bowling pin right on the tippy top of his delicious burger head. Ronald and Officer Big Mac proceeded to throw Mayor McCheese into the trunk of his car, as Ronald was handed the criminal intelligence report. The CI report written by Mayor McCheese himself listed all of Ronald's involvement in criminal activities such as skimming profits, his ties to the evil Razoul, and other nefarious practices. Ronald knew fully well what Mayor McCheese was planning to do with this CI report. This was insurance that he could use as leverage against Ronald should he ever try anything funny in the future. "Can't let anyone see this." Ronald remarked as he made a lighter appear magically, and he proceeded to light up the CI report. I should also mention that his lighter had the golden arches engraved onto it. Now, that's kind of cute I dare say. With Mayor McCheese's leverage over him gone, Ronald smiled evilly as he and Officer Big Mac drove on out to the River Of Ketchup. Using a conveniently placed canoe, Ronald and Officer Big Mac rode out with Mayor McCheese deep into the heart of the river, and McCheese begged for his life but Ronald was unmoved as he said, "sorry Mayor McCheese it was nothing personal just business." Ronald then turned his head towards Officer Big Mac and said, "dump him in." "Sure Ronald!" Officer Big Mac proclaimed happily as he and Ronald proceeded to chuck Mayor McCheese into the River Of Ketchup. Mayor McCheese was not a very good swimmer despite his hobby of skinny dipping, and as such quickly sunk to the bottom where he drowned to death. Upon returning to land, Ronald and Officer Big Mac started discussing what would happen now. "So what will you do next Ronald?" Officer BIg Mac asked as he got extra close to Ronald's face who pushed him out of the way as he then said, "well with Mayor McCheese dead, I'm running this town, but I'll need your help." Ronald then stuffed a few dollar bills into Officer Big Mac's pocket as he said, "just between me and you okay?" "You can rely on me Ronald." Officer Big Mac happily.

All of the sudden the pair noticed a rumble in the bush which made Ronald look very scared for the first time in his life, well actually the second time if you include the time that he was introduced to the wastebaskets for the very first time. Don't forget to feed them, and you'll be alright. Ronald briefly considered going on over to the bush to investigate, but opted against it as he and Officer Big Mac made their leave. Out from the bushes, came the Hamburglar and the McNugget Buddies. Hamburglar looked at the McNugget Buddies, and they looked at him as the Hamburglar remarked, "so it's come to this the end of an era, I guess this is when McDonaldland meets it's true enemy." He was right, as the very next day a massive funeral was held for Mayor McCheese during which, Ronald declared himself as Mayor and he made up a big fake story about Mayor McCheese getting shot to death by gangsters in a cheese burger deal gone horribly wrong. "Swine! You belittle his memory!" Birdie The Early Bird yelled angrily as she marched her way through the church much to Ronald's happiness as he loved to see his formerly beloved hurt. Ronald and Birdie eventually got divorced around this time, and this was issued after marriage counselling between them didn't really work out since their counsellor Doctor Nicholson kept trying to get a rise out of ole Ronald by asking who he was. Ronald tried to answer the question, but Doctor Nicholson kept telling him that he was doing it wrong as he said, "Ronald I just want to know who you are." Ronald liked Doctor Nicholson though, as he had quite the funny temper and would frequently throw things at the wall like plates whenever his eggs on toast weren't cooked right enough. Following the divorce, Birdie was allowed to keep the cottage while Ronald had long since moved into a large mansion right in the very heart of McDonaldland. Meanwhile, Mayor McCheese's old crib on French Fry Boulevard was taken over by Pennywise and his lover Cray Crayson. Pennywise and Crayson were proper weird, and would eat pancakes together on the bed as Crayson would cry, "oh Penny!" What on Earth is going on there? Perhaps, it's best that we don't dwell on it for too long. Your stunned silence is very reassuring so we'll just nimble it and move on and it seemed Ronald was doing the same time as he forbade anyone in McDonaldland from ever mentioning the name of Mayor McCheese.

The day after the death of Mayor McCheese, Ronald held a press conference in the afternoon in the town square look at Quasi there as he announced his plans which included putting Hamburglar to work in one of the new factories that he was constructing with help from the same damn construction workers that harassed Hamburglar earlier. At the factories, Ronald began adding that pink slime to the burgers, you know the stuff that became famous on the internet and it made people sick real quick when they realised that Ronald was putting in their burgers and chicken nuggets. I don't know I thought it looked a bit like a flamingo, and flamingos are horrid anyway as one time they gave me a right good bite on the nose just before a big sit down with my bosses over in Santa Monica. Bastard flamingos! Ostriches are way cooler! Hamburglar was disgusted by the pink slime, and he was put to work on the conveyor belt by Ronald and upon seeing the pink custard filled patties he picked one of them up as he cried, "where is the love? Where is the love? How can we endure this?" However, Hamburglar tried his best to keep morale high in McDonaldland as both he and Birdie secretly became an item although Ronald was not dumb and knew fully well that they were dating, and this made him all the more happy as he had big plans in place for Birdie and he knew that Hamburglar was going to be devastated. Hamburglar had always loved Birdie, and he promised her that he would save her. Hamburglar placed his hands on Birdie's shoulders as he sang, "I will set you free!" It was around this time that Ronald began charging every McDonalds restaurant around the world for royalties, and whenever they would refuse to provide him with payment he would have them raided by Richard Fatchurd. Ronald and Fatchurd didn't like each other much, and whenever he sent Fatchurd to wreck havoc he always chose the upper class McDonald restaurants that had lots of stairs for Fatchurd to run down on much to his anger. Fatchurd tried to tell Ronald not to do this, but Ronald laughed in his face before telling him to get some exercise.

It was also around this time that Ronald became something of a disloyal user towards his company of McDonalds as he had began secretly paying visits to his local Burger King in order to purchase the big whopper which at the time was the biggest burger served at that particular restaurant. Ronald had initially bought the burger in hopes of discovering the King's secrets, but when he bit into that burger he never could have imagined his life without it. Ronald was however extremely careful and took extra precautions such as wearing a large and bulky overcoat before heading into the restaurant. Ronald also became very ageist as one time he rudely threw an old couple out from his restaurant for being so old, and a man would later make a video discussing the situation and he sounded like Dan Aykroyd and he also liked The Incredibles just a bit too much. Just a bit though. Just a bit you have to understand that. Thankfully, however that man ended up having a little accident when two men in suits came knocking on his door saying that his grandma had fallen and couldn't get up. The man was taken away in a car, and was never heard from again. Some say they saw the man in the Greek countryside teaching a goat how to read and write, but don't believe everything ya hear ya hear? Ronald had no more problems coming his way as Grimace had completely fallen under his sway and become the evil clown's personal enforcer.

Now Mayor of McDonaldland, Ronald felt that he had everything he could ever of wanted. His arch enemy Hamburglar was working hard, Birdie was being fatten up, and Ronald himself was in a sense untouchable. He had a strong security system with corrupt cops and hardened gangsters working under him as protection, Grimace had completely fallen under his sway and become the personal enforcer to that dreaded fast food clown, and his tax evasion troubles were solved overnight by his handy handy accountant Captain Crook who just like Captain Hook sure did love to settle accounts. Sadly, Ronald still refused to give Crook any cheese burgers, and was a lot more meaner in telling him no that he used to be as he now slapped the captain across the face with his yellow gloved hands whenever Captain Crook would ask for one. Poor ole Captain Crook! To top it all off, Ronald also had a close friendship with Pennywise and naturally could call for help in that corner if need be. And so, Ronald sat on the balcony of his penthouse suite smoking a cigarette as he looked out over the city that he owned. Little did he know that not so far away in the heart of one of McDonaldland's many factories, a hero was planning a revolt and would soon get his revenge on the beast of a clown who had ruined so many lives in McDonaldland, and that my friends is truly heart-breaking. Ronald McDonald wanted to be a somebody, but in the end he ended up as just another old dictator who got what was coming to him in the end, so I wouldn't consider this a downer ending per say as we all know that one day Ronald is going to get what is coming to him. Oh yes, I can promise you that.

You know something? Ronald's tyranny as Mayor of McDonaldland is actually what inspired me to become a fast food agent in the first place. I know that Ronald tried to keep up a good image in his last few years as Mayor by adding healthier options to his menu like carrot sticks that make your teeth break off with one bite, but nothing absolves him of his crimes! The whole damn thing was built by bodies that Ronald McDonald and his cronies had left behind in his wake. Ronald McDonald may be dead, but people need to know about his crimes. Sometimes late at night down here in the basement, I hear footsteps on my creaky old wooden steps and I hear an all too familiar laugh. I know it's probably just my wife trying to scare me as she worked as a rodeo clown in her youth, but I can't but wonder ya know? Wondering if perhaps Ronald's spirit is coming to take whatever I have left of my life.