Ted the Human, Clock Face, and Dracula's Pringles

D&Daniel

They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, which is why this podcast is certified 100% fact free thanks to Hedwig and Carlo for their support

Pencil

Well, hello and welcome to the probably bad podcast, a podcast, which is definitely bad I'm pencil

Paper

I'm paper. Today's probably bad idea is... Your characters are the only ones who are aware of the supernatural and must ensure that no one else learns about it. Every other group of people on earth also thinks that they're the only ones who are aware of the supernatural and must ensure no one else learns about it. I like this one, because it immediately gives me the vibe of undercover police arrested for trying to buy drugs from undercover police pretending to be drug dealers.

Pencil

Like I just think it's a hilarious twist on a supernatural like urban fantasy game. Like you do Vampire the Masquerade, and you're vampires. And absolutely everyone else in the world is also a vampire. But each of them thinks that only their small group of people have vampires. Like during the day, everything shuts down. But everyone pretends they did things during the day. And obviously no one knows that nothing actually happens during the day because they're all vampires.

Paper

So you're saying that society is just a lie?

Pencil

Yeah, like cause vamp.... So that's the thing with vampires if a vampire bites you and you get turned to a vampire. And then you'd then bite someone, turned into a vampire. And someone did a thing of like, if vampires were real then statistically everyone would now be a vampire.

Paper

Yeah, that was the whole vampire pyramid scheme thing I think we've covered before.

Pencil

But what if that is just what happens like, everyone one by one has become a vampire. But each person is only aware of them and a vampire that turned them and is trying to hide from everyone. But everyone keeps making excuses as to why they don't show up at work during the day. Which means no one has discovered nobody shows up to work during the day. Everyone doesn't make shifts now. (i like this a lot). Just like in the world of darkness, vampires cantering vampire blood. So that's all. That's all fine.

Paper

So you bite another vampire and it's like, oh, no, you have caught me, a human.

Pencil

Yeah, like, they're just like, oh, no, I definitely don't have supernatural powers. And then the next day they bite you, a vampire. And you go oh, no, I definitely don't have supernatural powers.

Paper

Yeah, I do feel like that is the one issue with this is that you would you'd bump into each other.

Pencil

Everyone's just too awkward. To bring it up.

Paper

Yeah, that tracks

Pencil

I also like I like it is with werewolves where every full moon everyone locks themselves in a basement.

Paper

I mean, don't you?

Pencil

No, I definitely don't do that. Wink.

Paper

I do love this concept of people just don't discuss it like the supernatural elephant in the room.

Pencil

I mean, I do like the idea of a setting where it's not so much the supernatural is hidden. It's just that the supernatural is considered extremely uncouth to talk about, like, it's probably an analogy that's gonna cause controversy. But you know how in the past you had people who, you know, were definitely straight. They were just single and lived with a person of the same gender for their entire life.

Paper

Yeah, confirmed bachelors.

Pencil

Yeah, like same principle. Of course. Like Ted is a human Sure. He never goes out on the day at day or eats but I'm sure that's just like a personal affectation. Like everyone knows the supernatural is real, but no one ever like wants to discuss it.

Paper

Just like this a lot. I do also like the the idea of in this of Yeah, because something that always bothers me in sort of urban fantasy type stuff. Is when it isn't like, oh, the supernatural creature is actively predatory. (Yeah) There never seems to be a good reason not to tell the non supernatural beings. Yeah. Like to be looking at you JK Rowling. I just like the idea of just like, oh, it just never came up. Yeah.

Pencil

I also like the idea of a lot of supernatural beings like I assumed everyone knew there were like a dozen you bloodless corpses with bite holes in the neck each night I assumed people had figured it out and we're just being polite.

Paper

Which is kind of the approach of like, I know a lot again, queer allegory, a lot of queer people do which is just rather than having to come out to people just acting as though you already did

Pencil

we should probably stop making the blood sucking corpse monsters into queer allegories.

Paper

On the other hand...

Pencil

vampires are pretty gay.

Paper

Thing is when when we queer people do it, it's empowering and I also just kind of like the idea of again just acting like you've already told someone like oh no, I can't meet up with you that day. It's a full moon and just looking at them daring them to ask if you're a werewolf

Pencil

I might stop trying that when I with a social meeting I don't want to go to ya no I can't go I can't go I checked in every route crosses running water sorry. And then I just I also do like the idea of someone who is clearly a supernatural being and everyone is trying to figure out which like really is radically unclear which one it is. Rather than played for like horror this is just played for confusion. I have seen them during the day but I'm I've never seen them touch iron

Paper

yeah I am now imagining like as a fairly social game that is just trying to figure out what supernatural creature the DM is portraying.

Pencil

Okay, so I think the issue is we have we are getting progressively close to just reinventing One Night Ultimate Werewolf.

Paper

See, the thing is that one does have the name of the creature on the box. (yeah one night ultimate something) More like I was there's this really pale person who I've never seen them eat. Or like, they don't really seem to go out. And it's like, are they a vampire? Are they a zombie? Are they a ghost? Or are they emo?

Pencil

I just an actual idea I just came up with - I do like your One Night Ultimate something. So World of Darkness. And your characters like you know your characters now. But you've lost your memory. So you have to figure out which supernatural thing you are

Paper

without dying in the process?

Pencil

Yeah, because obviously, you know, you don't want to just walk into the sunlight in case the answer is vampire. But like, we just pick a random game book. And you have to figure out which one the GM is using.

Paper

I do like that. Because I think we've had an idea that similar to that before that was like you don't get any of the information on your character sheet until you come across it naturally. (yeah), I feel like this is the world of darkness version of that.

Pencil

Yeah, I think it's a good setting for that, given that. If the premise is you didn't know about the supernatural until like, actually, that will be interesting. Because in like these urban fantasy settings, you know, people generally have the concept of vampires and werewolves and so forth. Like even if they don't believe they exist. And it would be interesting if you're turned to a vampire, but in a setting where just even the myths of vampires don't exist. And it would be interesting to see how long you could give across the clues before the people actually put the pieces together if you didn't initially tell them that's what you were doing.

Paper

What about in a setting where the like, say the predominant vampire myth is, you know, your standard North European vampire. And it turns out vampires are real, but they follow the Chinese rules.

Pencil

I actually do really like that just yeah, all vampire myths are false. real vampires shoot their heads out and run around on their intestines

Paper

but they're still considered incredibly sexy.

Pencil

Yeah, that's the one that's the board universal fingerbang vampires. I think I do like this idea of just yeah, it turns out that is not just know a little bit wrong. All of the myths that you know about vampires are wrong and you need to figure out how vampire is actually worked before this vampire bites you, as you'll see to get over your internalized anti vampire phobia.

Paper

I like this because it's a way of tricking players into playing something with your own new supernatural creature is definitely a vampire. It can go out in the sunlight and doesn't drink blood, but it's it says vampire right there.

Vampire cause fuck you shut up

I think that's a good point to move on to questions.

Bread and Thread Plug

Pencil

Okay, our first question, has accidentally minimized itself? Our first question is anonymous. Hi, I don't know who else to ask. But I need help. Please bear with me. My wizard. An absolute weirdo has been collecting body parts for scientific purposes. The first was turning a cursed bodack head back into a human head. But now it's just a habit. Anyway, I wonder what I can do with this collection. Now. It's grown significantly. Obviously the answer is to make a flesh column but I tried to think of other options. Any ideas? upholstery.

Paper

Feel like those were both solid starts I mean, you could sew them together in some sort of meat puppet and use it as as bait.

Pencil

Okay, what you do is you grind them up into powder. You spray the powder, like over the enemy and they're like, Haha, that didn't do anything. And then you cast true resurrection

Paper

so that they end up inside of the resurrected person who presumably immediately explodes.

Pencil

Yeah. is like is like hold person but needlessly horrifying.

Paper

I'm not sure it would do much actual damage (psychological). Well, yeah, but they're already, you know, some sort of horrendous creature that may or may not even be sentient. So I'm not sure how helpful this would be

Pencil

It counts- I'd say it counts like a detect sentience spell. Like

Paper

what about the other party members,

Pencil

you know, you'll know if they're sentient or not, too.

Paper

You could sew the parts together in an attempt to convince the big bad that you did do a Frankenstein. You didn't actually do a Frankenstein because that would be horrific.

Pencil

Yeah, like if you don't know the spell to actually do it. You've got a great chance to bluff. What you need is to have a small member of your party be inside and animate it like a mascot suit.

Paper

Perfect.

Pencil

Like the world's most horrifying animatronic come at me five nights at Freddy's

Paper

oh gosh. Clockwork stuff does exist in D&D you can just make a meat animatronic.

Pencil

Yeah, people try and cast like, you know, anti undead spells on it. But joke's on them. This is a clock I've covered in human faces.

Paper

Worst clock face. (yeah) can be his name

Pencil

actually yeah you have a lot of like opportunities for puns here as well. Like if one of your players is one of your party members is like, Hey, we're doing badly in this fight. Give me a hand you've got the ideal opportunity for like a classic sight gag. There's something a-foot Why don't you come out and face me. You see there's all kinds of options here.

Paper

What I'm learning here is how many phrases contain body parts. What if you put them all in a bag of holding and if you ever need to make a quick escape, just turn it inside out.

Pencil

I was thinking You can swap it with you know, I can't remember the name of the magical bag that contains like, you know, lots of little animals, but put them in a bag of holding and swap it with your druids bag of little animals as a fun prank.

Paper

that is a fun prank

Pencil

but what I've discovered is Have you considered like being incredibly hilarious and or getting bludgeoned to death by your party?

Paper

There must be an actual practical use, you can put these two.

Pencil

I mean, I assume the actual practical use is Frankenstein or necromancy. (or soup) or soup. Yeah, actually, yeah, you could if you're being attacked by like a monster it's just hungry. You could throw i snack you could get like a lot of hungry Hungry Like so in the end you get a lot of things which are have reasonable levels of intelligence, but don't really have motivations beyond get food. And you seem to get a lot of them on your side of like, Hey, if you follow me around, you can have all this pile of meat

I mean, that probably would work with a lot of creatures. (yeah). And also possibly me.

If you want mod paper to fight your enemies now you've got an in. can confirm that they are better at fighting than me.

Paper

That makes it sound like I've beaten you up.

Pencil

I can confirm that they have decapitated me at least once. (You got better). I borrowed a head of this guy. It's time to get ahead. There's another one. (nice) I need to keep an eye out for this guy. Before I just go on to making more body part related puns. Our next question.

Paper

Wait, I have another one. (Okay) You can use them for testing the artificer's potions out. (Yeah) it's more ethical than animal testing, right?

Pencil

You can also use them to detect traps actually. So it's like okay, there's a hallway there's probably a trap here. You just roll heads down it

Paper

while playing bowling sound effects presumably.

Pencil

Yeah, this is this is the new Wii Bowling Green reboot.

Paper

Even Wii Bowling is getting a gritty reboot.

Pencil

Yeah, grim and gritty. Wii Sports Resort now set during attack by necromancers. Music's unchanged, but you've got to like, fight off their undead hordes by rolling severed heads at them. (I like it) there's an RPG idea.

Paper

So yeah, we do have a second question. I just wanted to make a joke about animal testing. So second question is also anonymous. What's the best snack for a curse of Strahd game I want to be on theme (The GM) The GM! like I assume you've already considered the stuff that I guess I would consider obvious like blood sausage and things like that.

Pencil

Everyone just gets a thermos full of tomato soup. Or just drink ketchup straight from the bottle.

Paper

I think I think I would actually throw up.

Pencil

Every time you throw a- get a critical success you succeed by downing a bottle of ketchup.

Paper

So this is turning into a different idea, which is a drinking game.

Pencil

Yeah, but it's ketchup. I'm gonna guess wine is fitting, assuming you don't want to get ketchup hammered.

Paper

Wine is fitting but also he doesn't drink... wine.

Pencil

You're allowed to have wine as long as you make that joke every time someone offers you wine.

Paper

You can have wine, but you can't drink it. It's just a prop.

Pencil

Like the issue I have have is most of the things I associate with like aristocratic vampires aren't really snacks. Like you usually picture them putting a full meal in front of themselves.

Paper

No, like they give food to people. (yeah) I'm pretty sure in the like, month that Jonathan Harker spends at Dracula's castle he probably does eat at some point.

Pencil

Yeah, I mean they eat but uh, you know, it's more like My point is again it's more meals you don't really imagine like Count Dracula going here you go have Pringles.

Paper

You could just go in the other direction and have garlic soup was garlic bread.

Pencil

Yeah. Oh or so you might need to branch out because you can't really imagine like, you know, Dracula having a snack. Or even offering someone a snack. I can't imagine Dracula going would you like cheese and onion Pringles or that kind of thing, but it would be more Orlok like vampires the more kind of hideous little undead monsters like they get snacks you see them just grabbing a rat and eating it. So just give your players a big plate of rats.

Paper

You can get gummy rats like life size.

Pencil

Yeah, that might like I guess spooky gummies might actually not be a terrible idea. It's mentioned in Buffy the Vampire Slayer that vampires love candy because they have heightened sense of taste and it's doesn't have any actual food in it

Paper

that seems like a cop out.

Pencil

It does. But if you just give everyone gummies

Paper

The heightened sense of taste is interesting though because like there's a thing about Super tasters liking certain foods and not liking certain foods.

Pencil

Super tasters. I am I am now googling we are doing research.

Paper

Yeah, like Super. Super tasters apparently really don't get on with like, bitter stuff and really like bland food. So if vampires have a heightened sense of taste, could I suggest boiled skinless chicken breast

Pencil

your player walk - your players walk in I give you I've got snacks for everyone. And you just put a single uncooked potato on each of their plates.

Paper

Oh no you got to cook the potato uncooked potatoes have a flavour and it's not pleasant

Pencil

a single boiled potato with no seasoning or like toppings and you're just that's what a vampire would eat. or just Yeah, and you could go to this to having Count Strahd during all of his like sinister monologues just eating a bag of boiled potatoes.

Paper

He gets those crisps where you add the salt yourself but then never adds the salt. This is plain crisps

Pencil

you just go into his lair he's just lying on his back pouring an entire like tub of porridge into his mouth.

Paper

The cottage cheese of Strahd

Pencil

I don't think we've answered this question at all.

Paper

We sure killed some time. Well, I think the answer probably is spooky gummies.

Pencil

Yeah, either spooky gummies or like little meat things like cocktail sausages and stuff.

Paper

I did come across a place near near me that sells a chocolate anatomically correct heart if you could get that that'd be a good one.

Pencil

That would be a good one. I still think the GM is most on brand.

Paper

It is but it might make it harder to actually finish the session.

Pencil

It adds a time constraint to the GM in the they've got to yell instructions while being chased around room by their players, and they've got to complete the session before the players catch and devour them.

Paper

I guess running a premade adventure can be a little boring sometimes. So it's it is good to spice it up a bit.

Pencil

Yeah if you feel that your DMS adventure is getting a little dull you know express this - maturely by grabbing them and biting off their nose

Paper

specifically the nose

Pencil

Yeah, like you start with the nose and then you move on to other body parts. (okay) so we've done all like you know our contractual obligation contract contractual encouragement of murder.

Paper

We have that was quite short. Should we do one more question?

Pencil

Yeah, let's do one more question. Anon. They're all anonymous, how would you create allied neutral dragon NPCs take a dragon and make it not a dick.

Paper

I feel like they maybe wanted more information than that.

Pencil

Like so you've got to be you've got good dragons obviously. And I feel that sort of cheating. Because, you know, I think the important thing is to the Dragon is going to not like it's going to be hard to have an allied dragon where it would be less effective. Where it would be more effective to send a party than it would be to send an allied dragon. You know?

Paper

Yeah, I can see it maybe working. If your enemy is a dragon that is stronger than that dragon.(yeah i think) if you're fighting, you know, an ancient Dracolich or something. You're like, hey, we need some help from I guess this blue guy.

Pencil

I have an idea. So dragons, you know, they're big, they're powerful, they're immortal. They're super intelligent. Dragons run everything. But they find it easier not to let people know this. And dragon slayers are people who are sent by some dragons to kill other dragons like they're all political pawns. So you are the party of Dragon slayers working for a Dragon to dispose of the - kill off its enemies in a way that looks like it's just Oh, it's just they were slayed by a dragon oh it happens sometimes. All adventuring guilds are run by different dragons with the intention of killing off any rivals to the dragons.

Paper

Because the dragons can't kill each other because it's against their code of honor or something.

Pencil

Yeah, like if the dragons know that a dragon is killing other dragons they'll team up to kill that dragon. But you know, if just all of these dragons rivals just happen to be killed by you know, adventuring parties. That's just bad luck, right?

Paper

I do like the idea of - sorry, you finish

Pencil

I was gonna say yeah, because every other Dragon is doing the same thing. Obviously, no one wants to investigate because then people might go Oh, yeah, but isn't it suspicious that a load of your rivals were killed by adventurers?

Paper

Yeah, I do like the idea of a dragon as a quest giver. I do like the idea of a dragon as a quest giver. And what I was specifically thinking is the idea of like, this is how the dragon builds its hoard without having to go out into danger itself is it sends adventurers out to find whatever it is it collects and bring it back to the cave.

Pencil

That is neat. So I do feel like this would explain why adventuring adventures are a profession. Because they're all being funded by vampires and are pawns of vampires either to kill rivals or to get treasure. I also do like the third option of the dragon is sending the party because what it wants to do is just really boring and it doesn't care about it. Like you've been sent by the dragon to pick up its paperwork.

Paper

Dragon wants you to get its dry cleaning.

Pencil

Yeah. I guess it could be something that maybe requires more subtlety, than a 30 ton fire breathing lizard monster can do.

Paper

Oh yeah, cuz there's like, I can't remember which kind it is. But there's a kind of dragon that likes to hoard works of art. (yeah). Which I feel like are very difficult to collect when you are literally gargantuan.

Pencil

Yeah, like

Paper

you have to send people to go and rob the museums for you.

Pencil

I mean, actually, to be fair things below, things are too weak for the dragon to do might include like if if a dragon is annoyed ata human, but the human is in the city. And the dragon doesn't want to just raze the cities to the ground. It's going to have a real problem going after them because they're going to look up and notice a fire breathing dragon and go Well I'm leaving. Probably faster than the dragon find them. So you're the dragons Hitman against people who like you are too difficult to catch when you're 50 foot tall and disintegrate everything you touch.

Paper

Feel like the conclusion we're coming to is the way that you create neutral or allied dragon NPCs is just by having dragons hire people to do crime.

Pencil

Yeah, dragon crime lord is a great idea. It wears a little fedora.

Paper

The dragon mafia? (yeah)  It's got it's got a hoard of gold coins and it goes along and flips all of them in sequence.

Pencil

I do love the idea of Dragon crime boss there's nothing that says an offer you can't refuse quite like a monster twice the size of your house landing on your lawn.

Paper

Yeah.

Pencil

It could even be a case of like everyone assumes that the crime boss has like just this big lizardy monster They feed minions to feed enemies to, and people don't realize the big lizard the monster is a dragon and the person actually pulling the strings

Paper

I especially like the idea of it maybe being the quote unquote crime boss is charmed by the dragon (yeah) doesn't really actually know what they're doing.

Pencil

I like that and their arch enemy is dragon cop who is like a good 20% less destructive than the average cop yeah so yeah I've got dragon crime boss and dragon- there's also the one who wants his dry cleaning doing which I feel is more for starter NPCs

Paper

that's the one that you use to level up enough that the dragon crime boss will notice you

Pencil

what was what is the dragon need of dry cleaning they don't tend to wear clothes

Paper

that's it's hoard It hoards fancy clothes that are dry clean only

Pencil

a hoard of socks

Paper

sometimes they get adventurer blood on it

Pencil

this is a this isn't related to the question. What d- I do like just you slayed a dragon you go into get it's hoard and it's just left socks and this dragon was just really weird.

Paper

Only left socks

Pencil

this dragon has scoured the land of everyone's left socks.

Paper

I don't think socks have a left.

Pencil

Gonna have to tell this to the dragon.

Paper

The dragon has someone that just comes in and embroiders a tiny L on all of the socks.

Pencil

That's that's your party. They're hired by the dragon to embroider L on all of the socks.

Paper

Now make me 80 dexterity checks and fuck off.

Pencil

Have you ever just realized that your players are a bunch of assholes. You don't want to talk to them anymore? We've got you covered.

Paper

On that note don't know why it's on that note but it is

Pencil

I feel that that's the highlight of our of our podcasting career. You know,

Paper

if you have a question, you can message bad probably on Twitter. Probably bad RPG ideas on Tumblr, or email? Probably bad podcast@gmail.com If you want to support us and get things like a homebrew rubber duck themed Dragon, or bonus episodes or just access to our Discord server where we talk nonsense about RPGs you can go to patreon.com/probably Bad RPG ideas. Or if you want to review or rate us wherever you're listening to us, that would also be cool because then more people would listen to us

Pencil

and we would like that.

Paper

So thank you for listening and remember to have a probably bad day.

Pencil

and remember to have a probably bad day