2024: LIVE!

***2024: LIVE!*** is the seventeenth episode of *Off Book: The Improvised Musical.* It was recorded live at LA Podfest in Los Angeles, CA, on October 8, 2017 and released on November 7, 2017. The musical follows the intersecting stories of a neck-kicking cop and her canine partner, a mob lieutenant with a gift for fruit displays, and a group of drug-dealing cats with a poor knowledge of Christmas songs.

## Plot

### Act I

The year is 2024. Law enforcement has evolved, enabling women and dogs to become full-fledged police officers. In the lobby of a Los Angeles precinct, security scanners are hard at work verifying the identity of individuals entering the building. Suddenly, a golden retriever previously cleared by the system reveals himself to be a human in disguise. Before anyone can stop him, he begins biting bystanders in the buttocks. The attack only comes to an end when he is shot dead by Officer Cardamine Pales ("Scanning").

Later, the Captain calls Officer Pales into his office. Impressed by her handling of the crisis, he assigns her the task of investigating the security breach and interrogating possible suspects. The Captain initially believes a childhood classmate may be the culprit; this suspicion fades, however, when Pales discloses her history of kicking civilians in the neck, including her ex-husband, Ron. The Captain suggests she start by questioning those on her neck-kicking list ("Enemies List").

Meanwhile, in a secret location, young criminal Kenny "the Kind" meets with his boss, a holographic projection behind a desk. The mob boss informs Kenny that Jeff, the golden retriever man, is dead, killed in his attempt to infiltrate the precinct and retrieve a pile of cocaine-shaped money from the evidence locker. Naturally, the compassionate Kenny's first concern is for Jeff's mother. He suggests sending her an Edible Arrangement. Unsettled by Kenny's kindness, the boss admonishes him to stay focused on their mission—recovering the money-cocaine for delivery to the Cat Criminal Cartel—and reminds him that, after this job, he will be free to pursue his dream of veterinary medicine. Kenny suggests they rename the organization to Aardvark Evil Place, and register an appropriate domain name. After some searching, they settle on a Ge-ocities address: AardvarkEvilPlace.geocities.com ("One Last Job/Aardvark Evil Place").

Elsewhere, the members of the Cat Criminal Cartel discuss the fate of their money, and question the wisdom of Aardvark Evil Place's recent rebranding. As often happens, however, their attention is diverted by various distractions specific to cats ("Plans & Meetings & Times & Details").

### Act II

As Cardamine Pales prepares to begin her investigation, she meets her new partner, a golden retriever/chow mix named Officer Scratchingtons. Despite a few inter-species *faux pas* on Pales' part, the two soon develop a rapport, centered around their mutual affection for neck-kicking and harsh policing ("We're Mean, Mean, Mean"). They depart the precinct in their cruiser and head for a cat bar called The Scratching Post.

At a local spa, the relaxing sounds of smooth jazz fill the air. Officer Pales' ex-husband Ron reflects on his neck problems while receiving a massage treatment from Hans, the proprietor. Hans also has experience with spousal neck injury, and the two men bond for a bit before Ron reveals his recent attempt to frame his ex-wife by getting involved with the shadowy criminal organization. In keeping with the code of his profession, Hans reports Ron's plan to the police before resuming the massage ("Hans and Ron").

Kenny "the Kind" enters an Edible Arrangements store to buy a condolence gift for Tom the dog-man's mother. Employee Tina (from the back) is running a 2-for-1 special on unusual gift baskets, addressing such situations as coworker murder and herpes transmission. She offers Kenny a rundown of his options ("Edible Arrangements"). Eventually, he orders a blood orange and cantaloupe arrangement reading "Sorry Your Maybe Second-to-Last Son Was Murdered." The other employees are impressed with Kenny's apparent knack for fruit arranging, and suggest that he apply for a job at their store. Kenny leaves.

Before they can enter the cat bar, Officers Pales and Scratchingtons receive a call from Dispatch to divert to Hands with Hans. After further inquiry, it becomes clear that the suspect is Pales' ex-husband ("What Does Ron Look Like?"). Pausing only to book an appointment at reception, they enter the massage room to find a contrite Ron waiting. He confesses his attempt to frame Pales for being involved with the Cat Criminal Cartel, and she apologizes for kicking him in the neck. Quite unexpectedly, Officer Scratchingtons runs off to find a bone at a nearby store. Cardamine and Ron quickly reconcile, and resolve to go after the cartel together.

The criminal cats are rehearsing for a choral performance ("'Handel's Messiah' [In Eggshell-zees Deo]"). Just as they wrap up, Officer Pales and Ron burst in, making accusations. However, the cats have all forgotten their evil plan entirely, which leaves Pales with little in the way of evidence. She and Ron head out again, this time to track down the crime boss at Aardvark Evil Place.

Once there, they burst into the room where the boss is meeting with Kenny. Kenny confesses to ordering a gift basket for Tom's mother, and explains that he now has a job at Edible Arrangements. When asked by the boss about his former dream of becoming a veterinarian, Kenny explains that arranging fruit baskets makes him happy, and also that he is changing his name to Kenneth. Ron and Pales attempt to kick the Hologram Boss, but are unsuccessful. Seeing the solution, Kenneth ejects a tape from the room's VCR, which disconnects the closed-circuit hologram projection. The boss disappears.

Obviously, this only ends the hologram. However, the group agrees that this is, in fact, good enough for now. The criminal plot has been foiled, and Pales has reunited with her ex-husband. Officer Scratchingtons returns without a bone, but he did find a stick while away. Kenneth is appreciative of his new job. Tina continues to arrange grapes. The shadowy crime boss sits in another room, likely in the same building, satisfied that the police are no longer in pursuit. The criminal cats listen to a story about a laser pointer. Kenneth is impressed with Ge-ocities as a web host ("This Is Good Enough (Finale)").

**Show/Hide**
## Musical Cast

### Jessica McKenna

* Scanner J
* Police Captain
* Cat #3
* Ron, Cardamine Pales' Ex-Husband
* Dispatch
* Edible Arrangements Employee #1
* Spa Receptionist

### Zach Reino

* Scanner Z
* Hologram Boss
* Cat #1
* Officer Scratchingtons, Half Golden Retriever/Half Chow
* Massage Therapist Next Door
* Edible Arrangements Employee #2

### Carl Tart

* Scanner C
* Terrier
* Jeff
* Kenny "the Kind"
* Cat #4
* Hans the Massage Therapist

### Madeline Walter

* Scanner M
* Officer Cardamine Pales
* Cat #2
* Tina from the Back

## Talkback Cast

### Carl Tart

* Dog actor who played Kenny
* Props Master Clark
* Musical Director

## Songs

* "Scanning" (5:00)
* "Enemies List" (10:02)
* "One Last Job/Aardvark Evil Place" (15:13)
* "Plans & Meetings & Times & Details" (20:43)
* "We're Mean, Mean, Mean" (24:35)
* "Smooth Jazz Therapy (Hans & Ron)" (29:23)
* "Edible Arrangements" (36:01)
* "What Does Ron Look Like?" (41:35)
* "'Handel's Messiah' (In Eggshell-zees Deo)" (47:05)
* "Good Enough (Finale)" (50:40)

Cut Song:

* "Geocitify" (1:00:40)

## Trivia

* In the opening banter to Goatbusters, Zach, Jess, and Carl Tart discuss this live show, noting that it was either poorly attended or attended by mostly ghosts. Quoth Zach: "We had a really good time and it was great, but boy were we in a really big ballroom that did not have many humans sitting in it."