Dare to lead

**BROWN Brené, *Dare to lead*, London, Vermilion, 2018**

"You can’t get to courage without
rumbling with vulnerability. Embrace the suck." (p.10)

"Self-awareness and self-love matter.
Who we are is how we lead." (p.11)

"Courage is contagious. To scale
daring leadership and build courage in teams and organizations, we have to
cultivate a culture in which brave work, tough conversations, and whole hearts
are the expectation, and armour is not necessary or rewarded." (p.12)

"Roosevelt quote: if we are brave
enough often enough, we will fall. Daring is not saying “I’m willing to risk
failure.” Daring is saying “I know I will eventually fail, and I’m still all
in. I’ve never met a brave person who hasn’t known disappointment, failure, even
heartbreak." (p.19)

"Get a one inch by one inch piece of
paper and write down the names of people whose opinions of you matter. Then
take 10 minutes to reach out to those people: I’m getting cleat on whose
opinions matter to me. Thank you for being one of those people. I’m grateful
that you care enough to be honest and real with me." (p.22)

"As someone from your square squad
this question: How do I act when I am feeling vulnerable? " (p.24)

"During a time of difficult change
and uncertainty, daring leaders might sit with their teams and say: These changes are coming in hard and
fast, and I know there’s a lot of anxiety – I’m feeling it too, and it’s hard
to work through. It’s hard not to take it home, it’s hard not to worry, and
it’s easy to want to look for someone to blame. I will share everything I can
about the changes with you, as soon as I can. I want to spend the next forty-five
minutes rumbling on how we’re all managing the changes. Specifically, what does
support from me look like? What questions can I try to answer? Are there any
stories you want to check out with me? And any other questions you have? " (p.35)

"I’m asking everyone to stay
connected and lean into each other during this churn so we can really rumble
with what’s going on. In the midst of all of this we still need to produce work
that makes us proud. Let’s each write down one thing we need from this group in
order to feel okay sharing and asking questions, and one thing that will get in
the way." (p.36)

(Amy Edmondson on psychological
safety) "Simply put, psychological safety
makes it possible to give tough feedback and have difficult conversations
without the need to tiptoe around the truth. In psychologically safe
environments, people believe that if they make a mistake others will not
penalise or think less of them for it. They also believe that others will not
resent or humiliate them when they ask for help or information. This belief
comes about when people both trust and respect each other, and it produces a
sense of confidence that the group won’t embarrass, reject, or punish someone
for speaking up." (p.36)

"Dare to lead by investing twenty
minutes in creating psychological safety when you need to rumble." (p.37)

"What does support from me look
like?" (p.38)

"Setting boundaries is making clear
what’s okay and what’s not okay, and why." (p.39)

"Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." (p.48)

"Permission slips: we each write down
one thing that we gave ourselves permission to do or feel for this meeting." (p.53)

"Apologising and backing that up with
behaviour change is normalized in our organization from onboarding. While some
leaders consider apologizing to be a sign of weakness, we teach it as a skill
and frame the willingness to apologize and make amends as brave leadership." (p.58)

"Leaders must either invest a
reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings, or squander an
unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive
behaviour." (p.67)

"Boundaries: I know this is a tough conversation.
Being angry is okay. Yelling is not okay. (...) I know we’re tired and stressed.
This has been a long meeting. Being frustrated is okay. Interrupting people and
rolling your eyes is not okay. (...) I appreciate the passion around
these different opinions and ideas. The emotion is okay. Passive-aggressive
comments and put-downs are not okay." (p.68)

"Daring leadership is ultimately
about serving other people, not ourselves. That’s why we choose courage." (p.69)

Daring leadership:

1.       Modelling
and encouraging healthy striving, empathy and self-compassion

2.       Practicing gratitude and celebrating
milestones and victories

3.       Setting boundaries and finding real
comfort

4.      Practicing integration – strong
back, soft front, wild heart

5.       Being a learner and getting it right

6.      Modelling clarity, kindness, and
hope

7.       Making contributions and taking
risks

8.      Using power with, power to, and
power within

9.      Knowing your value

10.    Cultivating commitment and shared
purpose

11.     Acknowledging, naming, and
normalizing collective fear and uncertainty

12.    Modelling and supporting rest, play
and recovery

13.    Cultivating a culture of belonging,
inclusivity, and diverse perspectives

14.    Giving gold starts

15.    Straight talking and taking action

16.    Leading from heart" (p.77)

"Perfectionism is not the same thing
as striving for excellence." (p.79)

"Practicing gratitude and celebrating
milestones and victories. (...) Embodying and practicing gratitude
(...) is allowing yourself to recognize the shiver of vulnerability – that “oh
shit, I have something worth losing now” feeling – and to just sit with it, and
be grateful that you have something you want, in your hand, that it feels good
to hold and recognise. Something as simple as starting or ending meetings with
a gratitude check, when everyone shares one thing they’re grateful for, can
build trust and connection, serve as container-building, and give your group
permission to lean into joy." (p.83)

"Recognition program (formal or
informal): we’ve got to stop and celebrate one another and our victories, no
matter how small. Yes, there’s more work to be done, and things could go
sideways in an hour, but that will never take away from the fact that we need to
celebrate an accomplishment right now." (p.84)

"Setting boundaries and finding real
comfort. (...) Cure for numbing. First, when we’re
feeling that edge, ask ourselves: what are these feelings and where did they
come from? " (p.87)

"Practicing integration – strong
back, soft front, wild heart. (...) Strong back is grounded confidence
and boundaries. The soft front is staying vulnerable and curious. The mark of a
wild heart is living out these paradoxes in our lives and not giving into the
either/or BS that reduces us. It’s showing up in our vulnerability and our
courage, and, above all else, being both fierce and kind." (p.90)

"Making contributions and taking
risks. (...) In our company, you aren’t allowed
to criticize without offering a point of view in return – if you’re going to
tear something down, you have to offer a specific plan for how you would
rebuild it to make it stronger and more substantial." (p.95)

"Using power with, power to, and
power within. (...) Power with: has to do with finding
common ground among different interests in order to build collective strength.
Based on mutual support, solidarity, collaboration, and recognition and respect
for differences, power with multiplies individual talents, knowledge, and
resources to make a larger impact. (...) Power to: translates to giving
everyone on your team agency and acknowledging their unique potential. It is
based on the belief that each individual has the power to make a difference,
which can be multiplied by new skills, knowledge, awareness, and confidence. (...) Power within: is defined by an
ability to recognize differences and respect others, grounded in a strong
foundation of self-worth and self-knowledge. When we operate from a place of
power within, we feel comfortable challenging assumptions and long-held
believes, pushing against the status quo, and asking if there aren’t other ways
to achieve the highest common good." (p.97)

"Knowing your value. (...) Daring leaders sit down with their
team members and have real rumbles with them about the unique contributions
they make, so that everyone knows where they’re strong. “Catch people doing
things right" (p.98)

"Cultivating a culture of belonging,
inclusivity, and diverse perspectives. (...) True belonging is the spiritual
practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share
your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a
part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t
require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are." (p.107)

"Giving gold starts. (...) Rewarding others rather than seeking
to be rewarded is the only way to continue to grow within an organization, and
to fully embody the mantle of daring leadership. (...) It is essential that leadership be
one of the explicit priorities for anyone in a role with direct reports." (p.109)

"Guilt = I did something bad (...) Shame = I am bad" (p.128)

"What to look for in a shaming
organization:

Perfectionism

Favouritism

Gossiping

Back-channelling

Comparison

Self-worth tied to productivity

Harassment

Discrimination

Power over

Bullying

Blaming

Teasing

Cover-ups" (p.131)

"Way out with dignity: (...) Keep that person who will be
impacted by your decision squarely in front of you. This person has a family, a
career, and a life that will be affected. When you’re delivering the news, be
kind. Be clear. Be respectful. Be generous. Can you let the person resign
rather than be fired? Can you provide severance pay? Ask the person how they
want to let colleagues know about their departure and follow their lead on that
if possible. Can you allow a graceful exit, so they retain their dignity? This
isn’t about avoiding hard decisions and hard conversations. It’s about knowing
that we have all hearts that can be hurt. Great leaders make tough “people
decisions” and are tender in implementing them. That’s giving people a way out
with dignity." (p.133)

"Shame resilience is the ability to
practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience
without sacrificing our values, and to come out of the other side of the same
experience with more courage, compassion and connection that we had going into
it. Ultimately, shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy – the
real antidote to shame." (p.136)

"Empathy: in those bad moments, it’s
not our job to make things better. It’s just not. Our job is to connect. It’s
to take the perspective of someone else. Empathy is not connecting to an
experience, it’s connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience." (p.140)

"Empathy skill #1: to see the world
as others see it, or perspective taking" (p.143)

"It’s only when diverse perspectives
are included, respected and valued that we can start to get a full picture of
the world, who we serve, what they need, and how to successfully meet people
where they are." (p.144)

"Empathy skill #2: to be non-judgmental" (p.145)

"We don’t judge in areas where we
feel a strong sense of self-worth and grounded confidence, so the more of that
we build, the more we let go of judgement. (...) Empathy skill #3: to understand
another person’s feelings (...) Empathy skill #4: to communicate
your understanding of that person’s feelings" (p.146)

"Empathy is first: I take the
perspective of another person, meaning I become the listener and the student,
not the knower. Second: I stay out of judgement. And third and fourth: I try to
understand what emotion they’re articulating and communicate my understanding
of that emotion. (...) Empathy skill #5: mindfulness (...) Taking a balanced approach to
negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated"(p.148)

"Oh, man. I feel you.

I know that feeling and it sucks

Me too.

I see you. You’re not alone.

I’ve been in a similar place and
it’s really hard.

I think a lot of us experience that.
Either we’re all normal or we’re all weird. Either way, it’s not just you.

I understand what that’s like

Empathy miss #1: sympathy vs empathy

“Me too” says I may not have had the
exact same experience as you, but I know this struggle, and you are not alone.

Empathy miss #2: the gasp and awe

Empathy miss #3: the mighty fall

Empathy miss #4: the block and
tackle

Empathy miss #5: the boots and
shovel

Empathy miss #6: if you think that’s
bad… " (p.155)

"Empathy is a hard skill to learn
because mastery requires practice, and practice means you’ll screw it up
big-time more than once. (...) I agree to practice empathy, screw
it up, circle back, clean it up and try again. (...) You shared something hard with me,
and I wish I had shown up in a different way. I really care about you and what
you shared. Can I try again?" (p.157)

"Self-kindness: talk to yourself the
way you’d talk to someone you love." (p.158)

"Recognising
shame and understanding its triggers (...) “When in shame, I don’t talk, text
or type – I’m not fit for human consumption”. (...) Shame shields: moving away
(withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secrets); moving toward
(seeking to appease and please); moving against (trying to gain power over
others by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame" (p.161)

"You have to have complete confidence
about your mastery of that skill so you can focus on other things. In tough
conversations, hard meetings, and emotionally charge decision making, leaders
need the grounded confidence to stay tethered to their values, respond rather
that react emotionally and operate from self-awareness, not self-protection.
Having the rumbling skills to hold the tension and discomfort allows us to give
care and attention to others, stay open and curious, and meet the challenges." (p.168)

·"
Optimism
and paranoia

·
Letting
chaos reign (the act of building) and reining in chaos (the act of scaling)

·
Big
heart and tough decision making

·
Humility
and fierce resolve

·
Velocity
and quality when building new things

·
Left
brain and right brain

·
Simplicity
and choice

·
Thinking
global, acting local

·
Ambition
and attention to detail

·
Thinking
big but starting small

·
Short-term
and long-term

·
Marathons
and sprints, or marathon of sprints in business-building" (p.169)

"Einstein: “If I had an hour to solve
a problem, I’d spend fifty-five minutes thinking about the problem and five
minutes thinking about solutions.”

“It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s
just that I stay with a problem longer”." (p.172)

"Rumble starters and questions:

The
story I make up

2.       I’m curious about

3.       Tell me more

4.      That’s not my experience

5.       I’m wondering

6.      Help me understand

7.       Walk me through

8.      We’re both dug in, tell me about
your passion around this

9.      Tell me why this doesn’tfit/work for
you

10.    I’m working from these assumptions –
what about you?

11.     What problem are we trying to solve?" (p.172)

"Old saying: “people don’t care how
much you know until they know how much you care" (p.179)

" A value is a way of being or
believing that we hold most important. (...) Living into our values means that we
do more than profess our values, we practice them. We walk our talk – we are
clear about what we believe and hold important, and we take care that our
intentions, words, thoughts, and behaviours align with those beliefs." (p.186)

"Step one: we can’t live into values
that we can’t name" (p.187)

"List of values

Accountability

Achievement

Adaptability

Adventure

Altruism

Ambition

Authenticity

Balance

Beauty

Being the best

Belonging

Career

Caring

Collaboration

Commitment

Community

Compassion

Competence

Confidence

Connection

Contentment

Contribution

Cooperation

Courage

Creativity

Curiosity

Dignity

Diversity

Environment

Efficiency

Equality

Ethics

Excellence

Fairness

Faith

Family

Financial stability

Forgiveness

Freedom

Friendship

Fun

Future generations

Generosity

Giving back

Grace

Gratitude

Growth

Harmony

Health

Home

Honesty

Hope

Humility

Humour

Inclusion

Independence

Initiative

Integrity

Intuition

Job security

Joy

Justice

Kindness

Knowledge

Leadership

Learning

Legacy

Leisure

Love

Loyalty

Making a difference

Nature

Openness

Optimism

Order

Parenting

Patience

Patriotism

Peace

Perseverance

Personal fulfilment

Power

Pride

Recognition

Reliability

Resourcefulness

Respect

Responsibility

Risk taking

Safety

Security

Self-discipline

Self-expression

Self-respect

Serenity

Service

Simplicity

Spirituality

Sportsmanship

Stewardship

Success

Teamwork

Thrift

Time

Tradition

Travel

Trust

Truth

Understanding

Uniqueness

Usefulness

Vision

Vulnerability

Wealth

Well-being

Wholeheartedness

Wisdom

(p.188)

"Integrity – choosing courage over
comfort; it’s choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast or easy; and it’s
practicing your values, not just professing them." (p.189)

"Step two: taking values from BS to
behaviour" (p.190)

"Step three: empathy and
self-compassion: the two most important seats in the arena. (...) Regardless of the values you pick,
daring leaders who live into their values are never silent about hard things." (p.194)

"I used to believe that we would
always know we’re in our values when the decision comes easily, but I’ve
learned as a leader that it’s actually the opposite: I know I’m in my values
when a decision is somewhere between tough and really tough." (p.197)

"Living into our values and feedback

I
know I’m ready to give feedback when I’m ready to sit next to you rather than
across from you

2.       I know I’m ready to give feedback
when I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or
sliding it toward you)

3.       I know I’m ready to give feedback
when I’m ready to listen, ask questions and accept that I may not fully
understand the issue

4.      I know I’m ready to give feedback
when I’m ready to acknowledge what you do well instead of just picking apart your
mistakes

5.       I know I’m ready to give feedback
when I recognise your strengths and how you can use them to address your
challenges

6.      I know I’m ready to give feedback
when I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming

7.       I know I’m ready to give feedback
when I’m open to owning my part

8.      I know I’m ready to give feedback
when I can genuinely thank someone for their efforts rather than just
criticizing them for their failings

9.      I know I’m ready to give feedback
when I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to growth and
opportunity

10.    I know I’m ready to give feedback
when I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you" (p.198)

"I always bring my core values to feedback conversations. I allow people
to have feelings without taking responsibility for those feelings." (p.202)

"Getting good at receiving feedback. (...) “I’m brave enough to listen” (...) “There’s something valuable here,
there’s something valuable here. Take what works and leave the rest.” (...) “This is the path to mastery, this
is the path to mastery” “these people care about this as much as I do" (p.203)

"Values at Brene’s organization:

Be brave

I
set clear boundaries with others

I
lean into difficult conversations

I
talk to people, not about them

Serve the work

I
take responsibility for our community’s and consumers’ experience

I
am responsible for the energy I bring to situations, so I work to stay positive

I
take ownership of adapting to the fast pace of this environment

Take good care

I
treat my colleagues with respect and compassion by responding when appropriate
in a timely and professional manner

I
practice gratitude with my team and colleagues

I
am mindful of other people’s time" (p.211)

"When I asked my husband if he
believed that people are doing the best they can with what they have, he said “I
don’t think you can ever know for certain. But I do know that my life is better
when I work from the assumption that everyone is doing the best they can." (p.215)

"Braving trust

Feltman defines trust as “choosing
to risk making something you valued vulnerable to another person’s actions.” He
describes distrust as deciding that “what is important to me is not safe with
this person in this situation (or any situation)”." (p.222)

"Article from Fortune’s showed that
“trust between managers and employees is the primary defining characteristic of
the very best workplaces”: While few leaders would argue
against the idea that trust is necessary for building elite performance, not
nearly enough realise the height of its importance, and far too many disregard
trust-building as a “soft” or “secondary” competency. But in our joint
experience, we’ve learned that trust is the one thing that changes everything.
It’s not a nice-to-have; it’s a must-have. Without it, every part of your
organisation can fall, literally, into disrepair. With trust, all things are
possible-most importantly: continuous improvement and sustainable, measurable,
tangible results in the marketplace." (p.223)

"The braving inventory: Boundaries:you respect my
boundaries, and when you’re not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing to say no. (...) Reliability: you do what you say
you’ll do. At work, this means staying aware of your competencies and
limitations so you don’t overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and
balance competing priorities. (...) Accountability: you own your
mistakes, apologise, and make amends. (...) Vault: you don’t share information
or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences
are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other
people that should be confidential. (...) Integrity: you choose courage over
comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast or easy. And you
choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them. (...) Nonjudgment: I can ask for what I
need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without
judgement. We can ask each other for help without judgement. (...) Generosity: you extend the most
generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of
others." (p.225)

"Integrity is choosing courage over
comfort; it’s choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and it’s
practicing your values, not just professing them." (p.227)

"We asked a thousand leaders to list
marble-earning behaviours – what do your team members do that earns your trust?
The most common answer: asking for help." (p.228)

"We can never overestimate the
relationship between self-trust and trusting others." (p.238)

"Learning to rise

The research participants who have
the highest levels of resilience can get back up after a disappointment or a
fall, and they are more courageous and tenacious as a result of it. They do
that with a process that I call Learning to Rise. It has three parts: the
reckoning, the rumble, and the revolution." (p.244)

"When we have the courage to walk
into our story and own it, we get to write the ending. And when we don’t own
our stories of failure, setbacks, and hurt – they own us." (p.249)

"Risers immediately recognise when
they’re emotionally hooked by something: “Hey, something’s got me.” And then
they get curious about it. (...) The reckoning is as simple as that:
knowing that we’re emotionally hooked and then getting curious about it" (p.250)

" Strategies for reckoning your
emotions

The yoga teacher called it box
breathing, the soldiers called it tactical breathing.

Inhale
deeply through your nose, expanding your stomach, for a count of four.

2.       Hold in that breath for a count of
four.

3.       Slowly exhale all the air through
your mouth, contracting your stomach, for a count of four.

4.      Hold the empty breath for a count of
four.

Practicing calm: I define calm as
creating perspective and mindfulness while managing emotional reactivity." (p.256)

"The rumble: conspiracies,
confabulations, and shitty first drafts

In the absence of data, we will
always make up stories (p.258)

The first story we make up is what
we call the “shitty first draft”, or the SFD. (p.259)

In our SFDs, fear fills in the data
gaps. What makes that scary is that stories based on limited data and plentiful
imagined data, blended into a coherent, emotionally satisfying version of
reality, are called conspiracy theories." (p.260)

"Try to capture your SFD before you
What
more do I need to learn and understand about the situation

2.       What more do I need to learn and
understand about other people in the story

3.       What more do I need to learn and
understand about myself" (p.263)

"Gottschall writes “conspiracy is not
limited to the stupid, the ignorant, or the crazy. It is a reflex of the
storytelling mind’s compulsive need for meaningful experience" (p.264)

"To the conspiratorial mind, shit
never just happens”

Story rumble

Share language, curiosity, grounded
confidence, your integrity, your values, and the trust you’re building.

Let’s
set the intention for the rumble and make sure we are clear about why we’re
rumbling.

2.       What does everyone need to engage in
this process with an open heart and mind?

3.       What will get in the way of you
showing up?

4.      Here’s how we commit to showing up:
from #2 and #3.

5.       Let’s each share one permission slip

6.      What emotions are people
experiencing?

7.       What do we need to get curious
about?

8.      What are your SFDs?

9.      What do our SFDs tell us about our
relationships? About our communication? About leadership? About the culture?
About what’s working and what’s not working?

10.    Where do we need to rumble? What
lines of inquiry do we need to open to better understand what’s really
happening and to reality-0check our conspiracy theories and confabulations?

11.     What’s the delta between those first
SFDs and the new information we’re gather

12.    ing in the rumble?

13.    What are the key learnings?

14.    How do we integrate these key
learnings into the culture and leverage them as we work on new strategies? What
is one thing each of us will take responsibility for embedding?

15.    When is the circle-back? Let’s
regroup so we can check back in and hold ourselves and one another accountable
for learning and embedding." (p.269)

"The revolution

The
level of collective courage in an organisation is the absolute best predictor
of that organisation’s ability to be successful in terms of its culture, to
develop leaders, and to meet its mission.

2.       The greatest challenge in developing
brave leaders is helping them acknowledge and answer their personal call to
courage.

3.       We fail the minute we let someone
else define success for us." (p.271)

"The important of a “joy and meaning”
list and the power of actually thinking through these questions: when things
are going really well in our family, what does it look like? What brings us the
most joy? When are we in our zone?" (p.272)

"Make your joy and meaning list and
make sure that you use it as you define success for yourself." (p.272)