284: Tusk Me In the Dick

## Summary

With the help of Raphina's *Fog Cloud*, Rosco's animal fury is eventually curbed and back in human form he yields his wooden key, and himself, to the group. When the book is opened, they see a series of sketches depicting them gathering the four dam keys. Unable to restrain his curiosity, Will keeps turning the book's pages and Batthwack is disturbed by the images of events that have not yet come to pass, including one that depicts Gully's End in flames.

## Synopsis

*"Raphinaaa!"* yells Will angrily, but his cries are muffled by the thick cotton candy / pea soup fog. Boar Rosco charges, tusks at the ready towards Will, but misjudges the direction entirely and slams into the door, stunning himself. Still prone where he had been grappling Rosco, Batthwack scrambles towards the sound of the crash. *"Can we stop this now?"* he implores exhaustedly. Will can't take much more. Desperate to gain control of this crazy situation, he tries to subdue Rosco with his *Eyebite* goons once more, but Rosco resists again thanks to Batthwack's positive energy towards him.

Raphina begins to furiously whirl her mace, causing the fog to twist into a tornado around them all. They're all picked up off their feet a few inches until finally the fog condenses into a single sphere and plops to the ground, with everyone landing in a big heap. Rosco is no longer a boar and Rosco the dog is no longer a legless turtle. Silence descends once again.

The only sound is Rosco's heavy breathing. Looking utterly hopeless and with tears in his eyes, Rosco quietly holds a necklace, a copper circle on a chain, in his hand. Under his breath he says *"Tanya... Where are you, Tanya? Oh, Tanya..."* Raphina speaks to him calmly, *"Listen... The unknown is where any impossibility could happen, so enter it with grace. Or at least, not as a boar."* Rosco looks up at the halfling. *"I don't know about grace, but I guess I'm stuck with you guys in the meantime,"* and he hands her his wooden key.

As Will holds out the book for Raphina to take charge of, the teeth on the key suddenly disappear. Raphina pushes what's left of the key into the book's keyhole, she turns it and the clasp on the book flaps open. She also makes sure to retrieve the fog cloud ball and tuck it away in her Lanky Pack.

Will stares intently at the book, thinking back to the last time they opened it, when he saw a vision of his sister Vera. He notices something sticking out between the pages, a pressed insect wing, shining with some kind of iridescence. Batthwack identifies this as a mantis wing and they're all immediately put in mind of the Most Devout Praying Mantis. Opening the book at the page marked by the wing, they see a rough pencil sketch of Will, Raphina, Batthwack and Gwen being handed the Toggle Hotel suite key. Will looks worriedly at his companions. What could this mean? And why aren't the pictures moving like last time?

Batthwack and Raphina urge Will to turn the page and see what's next. Rosco, on the other hand, still looks completely dead and exhausted. On the next two pages are a pair of sketches in the same style, the one on the left a terrifying depiction of Arbiter Beartoggle's fall, and facing it on the right is a sketch of Will looking upset as he rummages through her remains and finds the second key. *"Yeah, yeah, that happened! That happened! That was me,"* says Will.

Will turns the page again. The next pencil sketch shows Batthwack and Dean Igor Kellerman in conversation, while Will slips the university key off of the Dean's person. Raphina wonders how many more pages there are. If they keep going will they see things that haven't happened yet? Will is keeping a close eye on Rosco, who is just looking at the floor and drawing circles in the dust. Batthwack hands him some rations.

On the next page they see a sketch of Will in a very dark room, wrapping the mushroom key in a cloak. Will has a sinking feeling as he realises this event was only hours earlier. *"If we turn this again, what if it has a very clear depiction of something that's going to happen? Does that mean that* has *to happen? Or does it mean we can change it? I don't like this!"* Sensing that Will needs help to act, Batthwack turns the page.

The next image shows four figures from behind, apparently the four of them, including Rosco. They're depicted standing in front of an unusually wide door, inserting four keys into four key holes. They all stare intently at this, looking for small clues. Very quietly, Will says *"Vera..."* and Batthwack looks at him with a puzzled expression. *"Dew...?"* says Will. Nothing happens. Batthwack is beginning to have doubts about continuing, but Will can't resist beginning to slide the next page over.

The next sketch shows a close up of a hand ripping a tooth out of a dragon's mouth, the root and nerves visible as it's extracted. Batthwack's really not sure they should keep going. *"We don't know this is telling the truth,"* he says. Will doesn't want to stop, or can't. He stands up and moves away, looking at the next page without letting the others see. It has a sketched landscape of the city of Beartoggle but with no dam and there's a broad river flowing gently through the centre of it. Will turns the page again, unable to resist. *"I don't think we're meant to see that Will!"* Batthwack is more insistent and he tries to smack the book out of Will's hand, but it's pulled away before he can.

Will looks at the next page, which shows a close up of them all, the wind in their faces bunched together as they appear to be traveling at high velocity. Raphina and Rosco look excited, Will looks terrified and Batthwack has a very slight smile. Raphina calls out, *"Will, what is on it? Tell us!"* *"It's us!"* Will responds. Rosco's still completely disengaged, lazily poking at the food Batthwack's rations with a wooden spoon.

*"Will, that book might be full of lies."* Batthwack sounds serious as he comes up next to Will, but Will doesn't stop and turns another page. The next drawing shows a huge canyon or crevasse, the figures of Rosco and Raphina looking down into it. The crevasse is full of fire, a raging inferno. There's no doubt for Batthwack. This is Gully's End. *"Will, this book is full of lies,"* says Batthwack angrily as he snatches the book from Will.

## Quotes

* Add memorable quotes from the episode here!

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from KT. Rosco in boar form was preparing to charge at Will and KT gave a heart-felt and extremely on point role-playing analysis on what they were trying to do with Will's spells to diffuse the situation. *"That's why he's going crazy in this new world. He's trying to gain control over the situation. He's trying to get Raphina to have her way. It's like he's trying to work their magic and not his own."* Unfortunately the attempt failed anyway due to Batthwack's ally bonus. *"Alright, cool. Fucking tusk me in the dick, like I don't give a fuck. DO IT!!"*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: motivational.

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ Sheesh. Just imagine if someone who'd never listened to the podcast just happened to drop by and read that sentence.
2. ↑ See episode 205: Dew Skidoo, We Can Too!
3. ↑ Eric says that they were handed the key by Gareth, the calliope guy. In fact, it was a female receptionist, which the bellhop Mark said was his boss, Tish. See episode 254: I'll Hug Them Until They Enroll
4. ↑ See episode 264: Slaad Dressing
5. ↑ See episode 269: A Triple Axel? Oh, Very Nice!
6. ↑ See episode 280: Intestines Gloobing Everywhere