New Dubuque, South Dakota

"Historic" main street in New Dubuque.

New Dubuque's location within South Dakota

The "Historic" **New Dubuque** is a near-ghost town and failed city on the Big Sioux River, in Union County, South Dakota, United States. As of 2022, its population was 17 ⅓. The town is notorious for its many disappointments and failures after its founding in 1892, which continue to be the only reasons why the city is not erased from the map entirely, and why the town is still the laughing stock of the state. New Dubuque is the successor to Dubuque, Wisconsin (Formerly in Iowa), and New New Dubuque, Iowa (now destroyed and replaced with Dixdale, Iowa.). Out of the Dubuque trio, New Dubuque was the last to be founded and by far the worst and least successful.

## History

New Dubuque was founded by Cameron Tucker, the Fat Fucker, on November 30, 1892, 59 years after Old Dubuque was founded. The city was built very close to the Big Sioux River, which, at the time, was still relatively clean and close to drying up. The city planners were thinking about building a dam on the river, which would give the town more space to build their saloons and brothels. However, the governor of the state disallowed it, as he was in the process of turning the river into a tourist attraction. As the city expanded, the growing problem of sewage became more and more evident to the residents of the city. Faced with either dumping the sewage somewhere or just praying for it to go away, the city decided to build numerous pipes that dumped sewage into the Big Sioux River. This contaminated the river with dangerous amounts of waste, which made the water from it completely unusable. This waste in the river kind at least 63 of the town's 124 people in the city within the span of 2 weeks, which devastated the city. Another side effect of the dumping of sewage was that the sewage flowed down and contaminated areas as south as Sioux City, Iowa, where another outbreak of the bubonic plague occurred. 24 years after the initial sewage incident, in 1922, a Ford Model T factory was built across the river, in the nearby town of Shawanka. The pollution from this factory resulted in a thick smog comprised of lead, petroleum, arsenic, and opium, which continued to remain around the city of New Dubuque until May 24, 2022, when the next devastating event in the town happened. For the next 100 years, the town's population remained stagnant around 295, while many failures still occurred in the city. Then, on May 24, 2022, the "incident" occurred.

#### May 24 Accident

On the Morning of May 24, 2022, Emily Jambory, famous for playing Fuckface in the hit American movie "Encanto" and for being the sister of **Mark Jambory,** pulled into the New Dubuque MiniMart in her 1973 Chevy Toledo to get some gas and some 9mm Glock 27 bullets. When she pulled out the gas nozzle, the strong smell of fresh petroleum attracted the Pilger Pickle Man, who was on vacation in the nearby (now abandoned) Ford factory across the river. He immediately sprinted to the Gas station with his pickle legs, and started to drink the gas. Emily, startled by this, pulled out her gun and tried to shoot the Pickle man. However, she missed, and shot at a gas puddle on the ground. The gas puddle ignited, and Emily could be heard uttering "JeLORD!" before the gas station exploded. The explosion caused the toxic cloud over New Dubuque to ignite, which also exploded violently. The explosion could be seen for miles around, and it could be felt as far north as Saskaskaskoo, Canada. The explosion annihilated the entire city, killing all but 19 residents. However, the 19th survivor, Ruipie Artident, who had previously survived the great New York M12 tornado with only a broken ankle, had his body destroyed from the ribs down, and became only a third of a man. The explosion also set the raw sewage and chemicals in the river alight, and the resulting fire, which raged for almost 83 hours, caused major damage to nearby Sioux Falls. The Model T factory, the Pickle man, and Emily were blasted by the explosion, and all 3 landed near a Methodist Church in a particular Southern Oregon town. The Pickle man survived the blast, but Emily died on impact and she became a fine powder. In accordance with her will, her ashes were scattered at 6:53 AM off the western face of Mount Rainier with her grandfather's favorite ladle. The decrepid, contaminated, destroyed Model T factory was shipped back to Detroit, where it was made a luxury apartment. The mayor of the town, Pal Yettler, who miraculously survived the accident, was enraged by the fact that the town now had clean air, as 98% of the city's economy was from residents paying from clean air that was shipped from Hadn't, North Carolina. Upset that he now didn't have enough money to continue his payments on his Toyota Highlander, took his own life via the MacDougall Family Fun Suicide kit, leaving only 17 ⅓ residents of the town after the accident.

## Faliures and Mishaps

New Dubuque's history is full of disappointments and failures. The most serious issue is that, due to a loophole in the South Dakota Constitution, New Dubuque has never had legal title to exist. Another great mishap happened shortly after the founding of the town. The mayor at the time, Petter Barrne, decided that the town just wasn't pulling in enough tourists. So, in 1901, he rounded up a local tribe of Sioux Indians and forced them to be attractions in a human zoo. This zoo was named "The great McKangus Injun zoo presented by the citizens of New Dubuque", after Gert McKangus, a former resident of the city who had died 3 years before the founding of the zoo. Shockingly, a blatant display of human rights violations did not pull in enough tourists as Barrne wanted, and he moved away to an abandoned oil field in Arkansas in 1903.

Shortly after the Model T factory was built, the citizens of the city started to protest the growing pollution. They achieved this by swimming across the waste-infested Big Sioux River. In the resulting march, 30 citizens died of septic shock, 12 died from drowning, and one person, Greta Kwanchiszer, died from spontaneous human combustion. Kwanchiszer, who was a heavy drinker, had just consumed what she thought to be a bottle of Vodka, which turned out to actually be Diesel fuel stolen from the railway house. While she was marching across the river, she lit a cigarette, and when she started to smoke, the traces of fuel on her mouth caught on fire, and she burst into flames. A local doctor attempted to help by giving her pure opium and cocaine drops, but she died anyway. Pussy. At least 24 people made it to the factory, but it turned out that it had been abandoned a month prior and was now a rat-infested crack house, only being run by one person, Fidel Castro, the father of Cough Man. Shocking,

In 1958, the United States Government attempted to buy the land New Dubuque was built on in order to use it as a weapons testing range. Despite it being perfectly clear that the town was in an irreversible downward spiral, the residents firmly declined to sell the town. However, the government being the government, they decided to test weapons in the area anyway. On May 7, 1959, a bomb was tested several miles below the city to simply see what would happen. The resulting explosion resulted in massive amounts of soil being displaced, which caused the city to sink to almost 10 feet below sea level, causing the contaminated river water to flow down into the city, causing extensive flooding. 18 more people were killed in the resulting contaminated river water fire flooding incident.

In 1980, it was discovered that the path of the Big Sioux River had changed due to the explosion 21 years prior. This now meant that New Dubuque was now technically a part of Kaiser Wilhem II County, Iowa. This became a serious problem when the Iowa Army National Guard attempted to take the city by force. The Governor of South Dakota made no attempt to help the citizens of the city, and actually considered selling the city for $1.1 Million, well beyond its actual value of $793.31. The citizens then took matters into their own hands and armed themselves, starting the Shithole Rebellion. The fighting raged for 5 days, before every single resident in the town physically changed the path of the river in the dead of night, fixing the border problem. Now faced with the choice of either swimming through the disgusting waters, or just giving up, the Iowans all deserted the next day. The South Dakotan Governor begged for Iowa to just buy the town, but the state refused, saying "We'd rather consume a million grams of meth than buy that disgusting hellhole from you guys."

The most devastating event to happen in the city before the May 22 accident occurred on August 3, 2018. Around 8 AM that day, Pal Yettler got into his Cadillac after drinking at least a gallon of tequila. Reportedly looking for "A goddamn doughnut", Yettler drove to the nearby municipality of Shanty Town to go to a doughnut store. Yettler, in his inebriated state, drove his car through the store, and stole dozens upon dozens of doughnuts. However unbeknownst to Yettler, the store's owner, Wade Eyjafjallajökull, hopped in the back of Yettler's car to attack him.

## Fun Trivia

* Eleanor Benson IV briefly lived in New Dubuque until dying of Sesquipedalia syndrome in 1958. Rest in piss, you won't be missed.