Heavy Lifting/Confessionals

## Day 33

I've been targeted from the second merge vote, orchestrated the biggest blindside of the season, repaired my entire game after Touchy Subjects exposed me as a huge threat, and managed to create a successful alliance, while also receiving zero votes in the process. I'm really proud of the game I've played so far but as the numbers keep dwindling the chances of me getting blindsided continue to increase exponentially. The stakes are high and I'm hoping I can seal the deal!

I'm hearing things about Jackson/Disc pair from Alyssa, and the idea that Disc is playing the middle hard. Which he is. But first... Poor Caeleb idol'd himself out according to Alyssa! I feel SO bad for him. It definitely would have made no sense to expect a split vote from us, when there's a whole 'rivalry' going on. Unless she's lying to make me trust that she didn't steal the idol from the alliance, he really did. That sucks. I could make a move with Alyssa, or stick with John for one more vote right here. It's an opportunity, the like of which I haven't had for a lot of the merge. Disc is worried about John, Alyssa is worried about Disc, and apparently I have been temporarily removed from the equation. Maybe that means I can't win right now. That's fine. I can make some moves and make one of my patented Terrible Jury SpeechesTM if I make the end. Alyssa thinks I'm neurotic - she's not wrong. But she also thinks I'm impossible to read, according to John, and that's great. She's easier to read, I just ignored it before now but now I get it. John, he sussed out things I didn't realise I did myself. I've been thinking about what I'd even say to the jury, and so far I'm coming up short. Warned Jackson about his vote, stayed alive (and then they just say I was dragged there), made social bonds (which I burned but rebuilt). My strategy of making others think they are in charge has totally failed to the point where I am not in charge in any form, and that has to change, but no one can \*know\* I'm in charge. The game has gotten to the point where there's 5 big threats and me. I have no idea where I stand with the jury, because it could go either way. Every person here likely gets at least one vote and wins against me now.
I have to get myself into the middle without looking like the manipulative or panicked middle votes that Alyssa and Caeleb appeared to be. I have to be in the middle, and be everyone's right hand.

As for the upcoming vote - anyone but John better get immunity. Part of me wants Alyssa out of here because she's such a big threat, but she's going to remain a threat and I can situate myself nicely with Disc if I move on a John vote now and save him from Alyssa throwing his name out. While Disc/Jackson as a pair worry me, right now I need the people who always win FTC out of this game. My newfound pair with John is tricky, because I want it to work, but he's too big of a threat to surely believe I'll follow along with whatever he says until he cuts me or drags me to the end. I can't trust that he won't one day turn on me. Part of me wishes Alyssa would be voted now, because I can theoretically still get Disc/Jackson to vote out John at F5, but Jackson might not go for that vote. I don't need his number right now if everyone else goes Alyssa, but I need it later.
I'll see if I can convince him to vote Alyssa without weakening social bonds, because I dislike leaving Alyssa/Jackson in this game together, even if they don't appear to be allies. Especially since I should be able to keep John with me for one more vote. Damnit, things would be so much better if Caeleb didn't give her his idol.

## Day 34

I'm about to vote with the Big 3 I called out so long ago. What a small world. It's stupid to be confident and comfortable, but so long as nobody realises I'm playing both sides right now I'm ok. If they do, R.I.P. But if John really thinks I'm his only shot in this game, he's going to do his best to have my back.
I have to keep an eye on the potential for Alyssa/Jackson/Disc/Jacob flipping on me, but I also think no one believes I'm a huge threat at F3 now and that should keep me alive over Alyssa/Jacob.

As for the 'plan' which I doubt will even work, I worry about F4 IF I suddenly become a huge threat no one wants to go to F3 with anymore. I'd have to rely on Jackson losing immunity and people targeting him over me. And if it's a F2 not 3... I NEED immunity, or to convince Jacob/Disc that the other is a greater threat than I am. Except Disc seems to think Jacob has been told what to do all merge and Jacob will probably hope he can use the fact he's been a target at F2 compared to Disc, who has been largely UTR. If it's a F2, I'm relying on winning the FIC. Every ORG I've won I've won the final immunity and it's saved my ass - there's no way I can pull a win out of my ass in the eleventh hour. But that's getting ahead of myself. As easily as it could be me this tribal, if I'm considered a threat, I'm not an \*immunity threat\*, so surely Alyssa's bigger presence in this game would be better. John is smart though, and I worry he'll save her and hedge his bets at FTC. I want to take the same risk by saving him at F5, but I don't think there would be numbers for it, and there's no way I'm risking both Alyssa and John getting that close to the end.
Part of me wants Jackson gone now, knowing he's probably the 3rd biggest threat with one of the best stories in this game, and he's competent in immunity. If he's going to work with Disc and lock me out of a F2... I might put the feelers out. Alyssa probably doesn't win immunity, but Jackson can and might.

UPDATE: Alyssa is throwing myself and Disc under the bus to John and potentially others. I have to keep this vote strong, holy fuck. No more potential Jacob tie because she was always gonna do this, rip. I respect it, I'd do it on the chopping block, but... oof. Plznoplznoplzno.