Effrijim Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

So Jim finds himself in the Akasha, naked and in humans form. Why he's in human form I don't know; is that the natural state of Jim's species of demon? Shouldn't he assume whatever his normal form is? Or, failing that, whatever form he's most comfortable in?

He's met by a small woman with a *“chirpy voice.”* who offers him a pamphlet. Har har. \~/ She also offers us an infodump, which is slightly more useful:

*“ 'The Akashic Plain, as it is more formally known, is what mortals think of as limbo, although in reality it's much more than that. Beings of both light and dark natures are banished here for eternal punishment without any hope of escape or reprieve.' ”*

No, that's not limbo. Wikipedia (which is always right) confirms that Limbo, according to the Catholic Church, is “a speculative idea about the afterlife condition of those who die in original sin without being assigned to the Hell of the damned.” It's a neutral place where the inhabitants are cut off from Heaven but are not subject to the torments of Hell. What Chirpy Voice is describing is Hell, not Limbo.

Incidentally, the words “Akasha” and “Akashic” have nothing to do with either Hell or Limbo, at least as far as I could determine. \~/

Also, that's supposed to be “Plane,” not “Plain.” \~/

Chirpy Voice continues to infodump, explaining that the Akasha *“is governed by the Hashmallim, who are kind of a form of Otherworld police, although they are not bound by any rules except those of the Court of Divine Blood.”* Hope you weren't expecting any sort of explanation about the Court of the Divine Blood, 'cause y'all ain't gettin' one. \~/

Jim complains about his fate, then looks at his genitals \~/ and complains some more. Chirpy Voice agrees with his assessment and CAN WE PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT THE DEMON'S JUNK NOW?

Genital Count: 3

Chirpy Voice chirps *“Ta* ta!” and wanders off, and Jim mutters *“I'd like to ta your ta, sister.”* \~/ Then he remembers his cell phone, and decides to just call Aisling and get her to free him.

His cell phone.

He's going to use a cell phone to place a call **from Hell.**

That...is one *serious* service plan. \~/\~/

But before Jim can rack up the world's most impressive roaming charges ever, a *“herd of five fur-and-leather-clad phantasms”* appears and snatches his phone and backpack. We learn that a phantasm is *“a ghost that's been banished and has no hope of ever regaining his or her ghostly self,”* which actually tells us exactly nothing. The phantasms – who speak with funny accents \~/ – disappear in a cloud of plot contrivance since Jim can't run after them without hurting his feet on the rocks.

Jim sits down to feel sorry for himself, and suddenly there's a woman perched on a rock behind him. No idea where she was while Chirpy Voice and the phantasms were running around, but she's there now. She introduces herself as Titania and cleverly comments *“You're naked. You're a demon and you're naked.”*

Why is everyone surprised (the phantasms were also) to find a *demon* in *Hell?* Isn't that like being surprised to find a chunk of peanut in your peanut butter?

Jim wants to know if Titania's friends call her *“Titty,”* which earns two more drinks. \~/\~/ Speaking of which, no. I'm not the biggest Shakespeare fan in the world, but the Bard's tales deserve better than this rubbish. Hereafter the character will be known as Notania.

Notania is not happy with Oberon – I mean Noberon – nor with Shakespeare himself. *“He said I was a faery. As if! He totally dissed us nymphs, and let me tell you, the nymphood was not happy about that.”* \~/

For some strange reason Jim decides to check out his genitals again. \~/

Genital Count: 4

Notania infodumps that Noberon banished Is not the king of the faeries, but rather a lawyer. Because...lawyers are inherently funny, I guess? \~/ He banished her so he could be with a naiad, and Notania want's revenge. Jim makes a joke – or rather, a joke-shaped paragraph with no actual humor in it \~/ – and we learn that Noberon didn't just banish Notania, but *all* the nymphs *“in order to curry favor for his own kind.”*

What kind? Lawyers? And how does banishing all the nymphs to Hell accomplish that? And how did he have that kind of power? And how is any of this germane to the story?

Notania once more points out that Jim is a demon. After an unwelcome reference to Cecile the Corgi's butt, \~/ Notania declares that, as a demon, Jim can leave the Akasha whenever he wants. He says, no, he was technically banished by his demon lord in a roundabout way, so he's stuck. Well, the Hashmallim guards *could* let him out, but that's never happened before.

Notania threatens Jim and orders him to get them both out. *“Thirty hours later I gave in to her gigantic ongoing hissy fit...”*

Notania threw a hissy fit for **thirty hours** and Jim just stood there and listened to it?

That's not funny. That's just pathetic.

Jim heads over to *“the circle of Akasha, the center of the whole place, where three Hashmallim stood guard over the entrance.”* Wow, how lucky for Jim that he happened to appear within *easy walking distance* of the *exact center of 'Hell.* **Yeah. Nice for him. \~/**

The Hashmallim are tall and gaunt and dressed in black, and they have no faces. Typical Angels of Death, then. Jim addresses one and says *“How they hangin'? Er . . . that's assuming you have any to hang.”* \~/

Jim tells the Hashmallim that he and Notania want to leave Hell. The Hashmallim ignores him, and Jim wonders if it's looking at his genitals. \~/

HEY JIM: NOT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS AS FASCINATED BY YOUR GENITALS AS YOU ARE.

Genital Count: 5

What passes for charm having failed, Jim tries to bribe the Hashmallim with Aisling's credit cards, then everything else Jim can think of, *“up to and including* [Notania's] *sexual favors, and a sweater woven from hair brushed from my gorgeous coat.”* \~/\~/

Eventually, of course Jim persuades the Hashmallim to let him and Notania go. How does he do it?

Does Jim:

1. Challenge the Hashmallim to a battle of wits and win through cleverness and trickery?
2. With Notania's assistance, trick the Hashmallim into leaving their posts and sneak through while they're gone?
3. Enlist the aid of some other prisoners of Hell, such as the phantasms or Chirpy Voice to overcome the Hashmallim?
4. Sing “My Humps” for seventy straight hours until the Hashmallim kicks he and Notania out of Hell?

If you picked anything other than **4**, you clearly haven't been paying attention. \~/

So Jim and Notania end up in Helsinki, and Notania is out for revenge.

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