Accelerando (Transcript)

[indistinct mumbling, greeting Craig]

Margaret Anne (MA): God, his voice - I know, intellectually, what his voice sounds like, but I never *know,* you know? In my heart?

Kasey (K): [laughing] You’re never prepared for Craig.

MA: Exactly.

K: Alright, so, yeah. We are recording a scene with Ernest and Nat. Uh, so I think we’ll start off in the Danger Room, kind of mid-training session.

MA: Mm-hmm.

K: Um, as - yeah, um, Ernest looks to Nat, I think they’re, you know, both looking a little tired from the practice they’ve been running through and, um-

Ernest (E): Hey, you got one more in ya?

Nat (N): Yeah! Yeah, I think so.

E: Alright. Let’s try working on some precision.

K: -Um, and kind of like, summons up a, like, sort of ball of clouds in front of each of them.

E: Okay, start with, like, a sphere, kinda?

K: -And around the one in front of him, Ernest summons up sort of like a wind, um, like, yeah, winds kind of shaping the clouds into a sphere.

E: Try to think about it as, like, your, uh, when you’d be trying to, like, shield something? Those kind of - those kinds of barriers.

N: Right, right.

MA: Um, and I think Nat was kind of, like, in the - in the middle of a song, so she, she picks it back up, and - uh, spheres and round shapes, I think, are easiest for her because her moats are made out of moving sound waves. So often when she, uh, uses moats I sort of flavor it as, like, like, a sound tornado kind of situation? Um, so a sphere is, is something that she can do relatively easily. So she picks the song back up and her voice sort of gathers up into these almost - they’re not, like, visible, but it’s similar to wind in that you can see that there is a force acting on things. Um, as the sound waves sort of form together into a solid wall that, um, uh, rushes around in a sphere shape around the cloud.

K: Mm-hmm. Yeah, Ernest like, looks over and uh, like, gives a nod and smiles, like-

E: Alright, great! Now, um, see if you can, um, tweak the shape a little bit, like this!

K: -And sort of, like,  gestures with a hand, and the wind patterns change to sort of, like, uh, whip around corners and form sort of, more of a cube around the cloud in front of Ernest.

MA: Uh, Nat looks a little hesitant for a second, but she nods, um, and sort of takes a deep breath, and I think she switches songs to a song that, like, the lyrics have more consonants and sort of harder sounds, stops, uh, that sort of thing. Uh, and I just sort of, like, from a, a psychological perspective, it helps her conceptualize the idea of, like, sound having corners. Um, she doesn’t get it *great.* It looks like, um, if you had a cube-shaped, like, inflatable toy, and you over-inflated it?

K: [chuckles]

MA: So, like, the walls are kind of bulging out, and it’s not perfectly cube-shaped. Um, but it - it’s got - it looks like it really wants to be a cube.

K: [laughs]

MA: Um, and Nat is sort of thinking to herself while she’s doing this, like, she’s kind of running in her head the calculation between what she thinks she can actually do while still keeping her control, and the fact that that’s not *quite* a cube? And she sort of, like, decides to play it safe and just sort of keep the overinflated cube as best she can.

K: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Um, yeah, yeah, I think Ernest is like, you know, raising his voice to be heard over all the rushing wind and singing and whatnot, and says,

E: Okay! Yeah, now, that’s looking great! Let’s do a little bit of stress testing next. You ready?

MA: Uh, Nat, uh, looks hesitant a little bit again, but she, uh, nods.

K: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Ernest, like, waves his hand in front of him, kind of puts away, dissipates the, um, like, clouds and wind that were in front of him and turns to look at the, um, uh, cube-like cloud mass in front of Nat, and starts to concentrate. And the clouds start to grow darker and, like, a bit of rumble of thunder as, uh, lightning starts to, sort of hop from cloud to cloud and sort of strike out at the sound walls as well.

MA: Okay. Um, so for a second I think Nat starts to kind of falter? But she raises her volume, which, she’s trying to sort of, like, strengthen the wall with more volume. And it *does* work, in that it sort of thickens the walls of the cube. But she can’t - the, the shape starts to get less and less cube-y as Nat sort of struggles to contain the sort of enhanced, like, strength of the storm inside. Um, so she sort of, lets go of the cube shape and lets it be a sphere again. Um, which, again, is, is much easier for her. Um, but it’s, like, she’s frustrated and that kind of leaks into her voice, uh, which sort of starts the moat unraveling a little bit. And then she has to work twice as hard to get it back under control, and that’s even more frustrating, but she can’t let *that* into her voice, ‘cause then it’ll just spiral completely. So she’s just kind of, like, trying to wrangle the moat *and* her, like, voice *and* her emotional state back under control. And it looks dicey for a second, but she *does* manage it.

K: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think, I think, yeah, Ernest is, like, keeping a close eye on the moat and on Nat. Of sort of, yeah, where things are and, um, yeah, sort of giving her the breathing room to, um, yeah, get it back under control. Um, but he does want to try to help her, push her limits and stuff. So I think once she has it, like, back under the, uh, back in sort of the sphere shape and more steady he calls out, like,

E: Alright, I’m gonna crank it up another notch! You think you’re still good?

MA: Uh, Nat nods again.

K: Um, yeah, it - it sort of, like, I think, whips into sort of more like a hurricane or a, like, tornado kind of swirling winds and even more violent, uh, lightning kind of arcing off of it.

MA: And at first, Nat, like, is fucking nailing it. Like, she strengthens the moat in response, but it’s in an easier shape now and she sort of transitions into a song that she really likes, and it’s, it’s - not only is she sort of containing this storm and keeping control over the moat, but she - it, it feels so much easier than she’s used to, to do that. And she starts to get, you know, excited. Like, she feels like she’s in control, she feels like she’s really doing it, and, and, I mean, Nat and Ernest have been working on this for a while. Like, it’s one of those things where you work for a long time and - and you finally start to see results, and it’s really exciting.

K: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

MA: Um, and then the problem starts because that excitement gets into her voice.

K: [sympathetic “Mmm.”]

MA: And, uh, much like Ernest’s powers, Nat’s powers are, are very emotionally, sort of, charged. So, um, the, sort of, like, surge of excitement, um, instantly fucks up the moat. And Nat tries to get it back under control again, but now she’s nervous and embarrassed and that makes it even worse. Um, and the, the moat kind of flies outwards rather than just dissolving. Um, she tries to bail by, like, stopping singing, um, but that just causes it to kind of detonate and just sort of fling, uh, Nat and Ernest. Um, I - I think Nat knows it’s coming and kind of, like, holds her feet a little bit, but like, she does get pushed back a bunch. Um, and she probably breaks one of the cameras in the Danger Room *again* as she loses control of the moat and it sort of, like, flies outwards.

K: Yeah, I think Ernest gets, like, um, yeah, not - not - he was, you know, monitoring the state of it, and could tell it was getting a bit unsteady, but was not prepared for it to just, sort of, completely explode. Um, and gets, like, knocked back off his feet and like, the breath knocked out of him. And I think you sort of, like, see the storm also, like, start to, um, flare up a bit as he’s knocked backwards, but he kind of like, closes his eyes for a couple moments, and then it kind of like, harmlessly crackles into just sort of, like wisps of clouds.

MA: Nat sees it do that, like, almost start to flare up and then - and then sort of fizzle out, and she’s just like, God *damn* it.

K: [laughs]

MA: And she looks around at the camera that she broke and she’s like,

N: Sorry, GAIA. Ernest, are you okay?

K: Um, and yeah, I think Ernest, like, you know, pushes himself up into a sitting position and has to, like, gasp for breath a little bit for a couple moments. Just kinda got, like, the wind knocked out of him. And he’s like,

E: No, yeah, no, that was - uh, hey! You did a - did a, uh, that was looking really good for, uh, Yeah! Like, several seconds, there!

MA: [chuckling] Nat, like, kind of - she, she walks over to Ernest and she like, doesn’t, - she stops sort of, like, just out of reach of him. Like, she doesn’t try to, necessarily, get close enough to like, help him up or anything. But she’s fiddling with her necklace and she’s, like, looking him over, like, “Oh God, did I fuckin’ squish you? Have you been squished? Did I squish my dad?”

K: [laughing] Um, yeah, no, I think he sort of clambers to his feet and is like,

E: Hey, don’t worry about it! Look, Melody beats me up way worse than this in our training. This - this, like I’m fine.

MA: Nat makes a face and is like,

N: Okay, but Melody means to.

E: [laughs] Yeah, but I can take it.

N: [sighs] ...Sure. Sure.

E: Maybe let’s, uh, call it there for today, though?

N: [sighs again] Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.

MA: Uh, Nat looks him over again, um, and it - you can see in her face that she’s clearly thinking like, “Yeah, the face of durability” -

K: [laughing]

MA: - “Ernest Welles.” [laughing] Not that she has a leg to stand on, but.

K: She’s also not the one claiming to be, uh, durable in the moment.

MA: Right, right, but, um, she, uh, Violet has called her out before on being like, “Obviously, because I’m, uh, theoretically capable of making a moat that nothing can pierce, that means that I’m indestructible and therefore, uh, can and should take all of the risks, all the time.”

K: Aww. Yeah, um, on the way out, Ernest is like,

E: Yeah, GAIA, sorry about the camera. We’ll get, like, Tiago or, uh, Mel or someone in here to fix it. Have you heard that they’re, like, *dating* now?!

N: Yeah! I saw - I saw it on Chitter, the whole...situation of them...figuring out whether or not they were already dating? And I thought it was a bit, but then it didn’t look like a bit anymore, and now I don’t think it’s a bit, and I can’t tell if, like, it’s a bit that they didn’t realize, or if it’s a bit that they’re dating, or if that’s just all real and they’re like that???

K: And, uh, Ernest just kind of like, shakes his head and is like,

E: I dunno - I don’t know Tiago quite as well, but my money’s on, you know, Mel just being like that.

N: Yeah, yeah, I’ve gotten the impression that, that he’s just kind of like that. Um, but yeah, I - I do have to - I guess I’m a little bit grateful? Because, uh, Ryan teased me a little bit, you know, about not, um, realizing that Carmen liked me? Uh, but nobody gets to make fun of me about that ever again, because Mel and Tiago are the worst at this forever now.

K: [Laughing] Yeah, yeah. Um, yeah, sort of as they’re making their way towards the more, towards the front of the base, I think Ernest will gesture towards the kitchen and be like,

E: Hey, wanna grab a snack or somethin’?

N: Yeah! Yeah. When I go to AEGIS training with, uh, A-Vis, I usually get some mint tea, uh, towards the end. I think it’s kind of soothing.

E: Yeah! I can, I can make up some tea. Um-

N: Please don’t put marshmallows in it.

K: [chuckling] Um, I think Ernest makes a face like,

E: To be fair, I *was* going to *ask!* But also, I *was* going to ask.

N: [giggles] Exactly!

MA: Uh, Nat, I think, at this point has known Ernest long enough that she’s just like, “Please, just, only put the teabag in the hot water. *Nothing else.”*

K: [laughs] Yeah, he makes up two, uh, mugs of tea. He does put marshmallows in his, but aside from that, is not committing too many food crimes this day.

MA: Yeah. Nat just, like, looks at the, the marshmallows just like, “I - I don’t understand you.” [laughs]

K: [laughs] Yeah.

E: Yeah, so, things with you and Carmen goin’ well?

N: Uh, yeah! Yeah. Um, it’s, uh...nice.

MA: And Nat is, is blushing now. Very much so.

K: Yeah. And, um, Ernest is just, like, chinhandsing a bit. He’s like, um,

E: I know Carmen is a tough cookie, but, uh, I do still have to make, you know, offers of threats if necessary. If she breaks your heart, or whatnot.

N: [giggles] You know, um, I uh, appreciate it? Hopefully that will not be necessary?

E: I’m just saying! Offer stands.

N: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. If I - if I ever need anybody to, uh, commit a murder for my honor, you, you’ll be...the first person I call.

E: Okay, maybe not a murder. That might be taking it a little bit far.

N: I don’t - I, mm. This is the first time I’ve ever heard you say “Uh, that might be taking something a little far” in seriousness and mean it.

E: Look, uh, what is it with people and asking me for murders these days? Mel - uh, Mel was on it the other day, ‘cause he turned into a giant robot or whatever, but. Yeah. No - no murders, thank you.

N: What - Mel - who did - Mel wanted you to - who did Mel want you to kill?

E: Oh - him? In case he turned into a giant evil robot? Not, like, immediately, but, you know, in case of emergencies. And I was like, I feel like I can solve that problem in other ways.

N: Uhh? I guess? I mean, it’s not that I don’t get the sentiment, but that feels like a weird thing for *Mel* to say. Doesn’t he keep saying he - he’ll never die?

E: That is true. Not something I thought to point out in the moment.

N: Every time - every time the concept of death has come up when - with Mel, when I’ve been around, he has said something along the lines of “I’m immune to death”?

E: Yeah, no, that’s his general mentality. He was...pretty concerned about the whole turning-into-a-giant-robot thing.

N: It sounded really cool, though, when I heard about it.

E: Oh, definitely. It was extremely cool. I don’t - on the one hand, I don’t know why he’s worried about it, on the other hand, I kinda get it. Um, but...hopefully it’ll be alright.

N: Yeah. I mean, I don’t think he’ll, like, permanently turn into a robot. And even if he did, I have a sneaking suspicion that we could, like, show him Lugnut? That should fix it.

E: [chuckles] I’ll add that one to the emergency measures list.

MA: [laughing] Emergency measures list for Mel. Number one: call Smoke. Number two: grab Lugnut. Number three: murder?

K: [laughing] Number three is crossed out.

MA: [laughing] Number three is written “murder” in Mel’s handwriting and then Ernest’s handwriting has crossed it out and written, “NO!”

K: [laughing] Yeah, exactly. Um, and I think, yeah, Ernest is like,

E: So, you’re...doin’ alright? I - not - uh, I know you kind of, uh, you know, took out that building the other day.

N: Oh, um...yeah. I did that. In fairness, I think the, uh, Crimson Circle luring me, Violet, and Carmen into a building should have just kind of expected that to happen?

E: Okay. That - you know, you have...somewhat of a point there. But you’re doing, you’re feelin’ okay? Like, control-wise, and all?

N: Yeah, I mean…[sigh] it was. Hmm. *Technically* collateral damage? I mean, I - Carmen and I both walked into that building saying, okay, we’re gonna destroy the place? So, I don’t wanna say it was, like *on purpose* on purpose. Um, but, I kinda threw one of their enforcers who had a big mech suit on - she looked a lot like - uh, you remember Dez, right?

K: [chuckles] You see kind of, like, a fire behind Ernest’s eyes.

N: It wasn’t Dez! It *wasn’t* Dez. But -

K: [crosstalk] Ernest like, mutters under his breath,

E: It better not be.

N: It was like, like, a Dez weathervane? Like, a Dez fangirl.

E: Oh, no. She has those too?

N: Apparently? I don’t really know what her deal was. I didn’t get her name. I just threw her into a nuclear reactor? And then it exploded.

K: Like, Ernest looks like he wants to ask, uh, like, if she’s okay, but is like, hmm, that’s probably a dumb question. [Laughs]

N: I mean, I saw her leaving, so she’s probably fine. Um-

E: Probably. Probably, yeah.

N: We - we were in the basement, so I put up a - a moat around all of, like, me, and Carmen, and Violet, and Travis, who was there, and Violet’s sister, who was there. Um, but the - the Crimson Circle people besides Violet’s sister who were there, uh, sort of went into their own kind of panic room thing? Um, so she probably went in there, so I’m sure she’s fine. I saw her leave. But, um, yeah, the *armor* did not, um, survive the encounter.

E: Well that’s something, at least.

N: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I just - again, me, Violet, and Carmen, in a big room, with a nuclear reactor in it, having a fight. I feel like [starts laughing] there were only like one or two possible outcomes.

E: Alright. Yeah, yeah, fair enough.

K: Um, yeah. And I think, like, he looks a bit hesitant, and, uh, yeah, like he’s not quite sure, um, whether to bring it up, but comes to, uh, a decision, and is like,

E: Hey, can...we talk about, uh something maybe a little - I guess it, might be a sensitive subject? I’m not totally sure?

MA: Nat looks deeply concerned. Like, *deeply* concerned.

N: Uh...yeah?

E: So, this was...a while back. And, like...I - this could just, all be, you know, in my own head or whatever, ‘cause I had some worries about it, and maybe, you know, I’m just, oh, projecting, or whatever. But I heard from Mel, a while back, that, uh, you and him and Ryan ran into a...like, villain version of you? Or at least learned about one? And I just - I dunno, the first time I learned about a, you know, evil version of myself, it really threw me for a loop, and I just...I dunno, wanted to check in on that.

MA: [sighs] Nat sort of looks...she thought she’d gotten away with not having to talk about this because so much time has passed. So, like, I think she’s not, like, prepared to whip out an excuse to avoid talking about this, ‘cause she thought she got away with it. So she’s just kind of, like,

N: Ummm? I - I didn’t realize Mel told you about her, but...yes. We did. Um. I, uh...I’m, um…[sighs]

MA: Again, you can see Nat sort of running the numbers in her head, like “how - how likely is it that I can just bullshit him and extricate myself from this conversation?”

K: [laughs]

MA: And, uh, she realizes pretty quickly that the, the likelihood is low. Um, so she just kinda sighs, and she’s like,

N: You know, I, um…[sighs] I didn’t...it’s - we didn’t *meet* her. We saw her...fans. Um, and we didn’t realize who she was at the time. Like - we - we didn’t realize *what* she was at the time, is a better way to put it. So I wanted to talk to them, and then Mel, uh, overruled me because they looked like bad news, um, and also we had to go find Ryan’s mom, and everything. It was - you - whole thing. Time...heist. Um, so we just kind of...left, and didn’t end up running into her. But we heard some stuff, and I, uh, I don’t...were you - surprised? When you met - or, heard about the other, villain you?

E: ...Yeah. Yeah, I heard about it from Kurt, uh, after he’d gotten back from being in the future. And I knew that, um, you know, Kurt’s future, uh, wasn’t great. Future self wasn’t...great, Kurt had told me about that before. But I...it was different, uh, hearing it about myself. It...really worried me, for a while.

N: But you were surprised? You didn’t...see, necessarily - before you heard about it, you didn’t, like see that? In yourself?

K: And I think, um, I think Ernest kind of tips his head to the side, um, and says,

E: I...I don’t know. It - [sighs] if I’m being honest, I hadn’t thought about it too much before? It kind of, was the thing to get me to start thinking about it, I guess.

N: Think about...what? Like, negative parts of yourself, or?

E: Like...how I might turn out in the future? I dunno, ever since I had, uh, you know, got my powers, and then, you know, we moved to Halcyon, and I joined Big Team, and was trying to figure - it was all coming at me so fast, I hadn’t really stopped to think about what came next more than, you know, a month or two out?

N: Right, right. Okay, I - I get what you’re saying.

E: And, uh, and when I did it was a little overwhelming.

N: Yeah. Yeah, I kind of imagine it would be.

E: Um...why do you ask if I was surprised? Were...you were - were you not?

MA: Uh, Nat looks kind of uncomfortable, and she kind of draws up her, her knees to her chest so she’s kind of sitting in her chair, like, trying to cram her entire body into as, like, sphere shape. And she’s just like,

N: Not...really?

E: Um...yeah, is it something you’ve been...worried about for, like, a while? Or…?

N: I mean…[sighs] From what I heard, the other me, she just - she cares - she only cares about the spotlight, and, and, she wants to be famous more - well, she is. But she wanted to become famous more than she cared about safety or other people or, um, really anything. So she just never got enough control to stop hurting people, and just started singing publicly anyway, and, and used her powers to force people to love her even when she brought buildings down on top of them, and I, um, I don’t - [sighs] I don’t know - I mean, I - I’m - I’m already, like, making choices like that. Like, I’m already trying to - to be - a s - I already wanna be a singer, and I haven’t given up on it even though I know how much I can hurt people. And, and, I don’t - I’m, I’m still prioritizing that, and I don’t think that’s r - I don’t think it’s really all that surprising, that that would turn into...turn into that. I mean, I’m - she’s...not something that I was...all that surprised to see, I guess? I, I knew she was there already.

K: Um. And I think, uh, I think Ernest kind of, like, nods a bit at that, and he’s like,

E: I...I don’t, um. First of all I don’t think you need to worry about that. I mean, look, you’re doing all this training with, um, with me and with AEGIS, and I know that it’s really important to you that you don’t hurt people with your singing. Um, but...I also, yeah, the future that Kurt saw, I...or, you know, the other...future me, or whatnot, uh...turned on his team, because, uh, you know, he wanted to protect Kurt. And Kurt there was bad, so when, uh, his team tried to stop Kurt, he stopped them. And...yeah, same, same with me, I...do wonder, sometimes, if I might go too far to...protect people who are important to me, but...I...like to think I’d be able to recognize, uh, when that happens. And, you know, if anything, you feeling bad about it, I think is a...good sign? Like,

MA: [laughing]

K: Ernest sort of tips his head, like,

E: I don’t *want* you to feel bad about it, but, like, you - if - if you *were* like this other, uh, you, like, do you think, uh, you know, you’d be upset if you didn’t care?

Nat: It’s - I…[sighs]. If I wasn’t anything like that, if - if I…[sighs]. If I wasn’t already halfway to being her, I would just stop. Like, I don’t *have* to do any of this. I don’t *have* to keep being selfish about this. I could just stop. It would be the right thing to do.

E: Right for who?

N: Everybody! For safety! As long as I’m singing, there’s a risk to anybody who’s watching me perform, and I *know* that, and I’m *still* doing what I’m doing. And I still have the motives I have, and it’s - it’s selfish.

E: I think you can get there. I don’t think it’s selfish to keep trying. Like, okay, sure, if, um, you decided, uh, without being able to control, to, you know, put a bunch of people at risk just because you could, yeah, I’d, I’d tell you that you were being selfish, but I don’t think it’s selfish to work towards a future where you *can* perform and not put people in danger.

MA: Nat looks kind of...dissatisfied, I guess would be the best way to put it?

K: Mm-hmm.

MA: Like, she doesn’t - she looks a little bit frustrated, not with Ernest, but, like, she feels like she’s, failing to communicate fully. Um, and she like, takes a second, and she’s like,

N: It’s not…[sigh] like she...you know, is...evil, and there - and doesn’t - never cared, or was always...one way, and I’m a different way, and we’re different. It - she - she had friends, at least some - or at least one - and I’m, I don’t - I have a lot of questions, about that, and, and, her taste in friends, and what she was like before, but. She had some! And she just, decided, it’s not like she was never a, a, a person, you know? She’s not a, a cartoon villain, she made choices that, like, sh-she became the way that she is on purpose, because she decided what her priorities were.

E: Do you...so you’re worried that your priorities might change?

MA: Nat kind of purses her lips and is like,

N: I *loved* Boston. What happened in Boston, when I was, um, singing in the - in the harbor? I *loved it.* It was the best I’ve maybe ever? Felt? And I don’t like...that. It - it scares me.

E: You - you didn’t hurt anyone in Boston, though.

N: But I was the center of attention, and, and, the spotlight was on me, and I had everything that I wanted, and I...I don’t know - [sighs]. I don’t know what’ll happen if I get...caught up in that. And, and, I’m not - it’s not even necessarily just a matter of controlling my powers, like, I could - the things I could do on purpose are, are, a lot. And - I just - I really really feel like the right thing for me to do would be to give up, but I keep choosing not to, just because I don’t *want* to.

E: Yeah, no, I mean, it’s...okay to, to like that attention. To like performing. I mean, you and Timothy have hung out, right?

N: [chuckles] Yeah, but Timothy can’t, like, squish hundreds of people at a concert. I mean she *leveled* - Halcyon was *rubble*, and she did that. I don’t know if she did it on purpose or not, but she did that.

[crosstalk]

N: And, she - she left - she destroyed everything to the extent that there was a power vacuum that let, fuckin, Mel’s creepy evil dad take control of it. And, and that’s on her, because if she had just *not* done that, then he - [sigh] There would’ve been people who could stop him, but there weren’t, because they were too busy trying to stop *her.*

K: Um, I think there’s, when Nat mentions Mel’s evil dad, Ernest has a moment of, like, “wait, which one?” but then is like, mm, that’s a- [laughs]

MA: [laughs]

K: Not particularly relevant to this conversation.

MA: Also, uh, Nat thinks the phrase “Mel’s *creepy* evil dad” uh, clears that up sufficiently.

K: [laughs]

MA: [in crosstalk] ‘Cause she’s only ever met, like, two of them.

K [in crosstalk] has she ever met-

K: Yeah, has she ever met *Smokescreen?*

MA: Nope! She has not met Smokescreen. Um, she’s met Dan Mercury, she’s met Smoke, and she’s met Prometheus. So out of those three, Smoke is the good dad, uh, Dan is the, uh, garden-variety shitty dad, and, uh, Prometheus is the creepy evil dad. Uh, to Nat’s sort of categorization system.

K: Yeah. Ernest - Ernest might slot in Dan with the evil, not with the creepy. But Prometheus and Smokescreen both definitely fit the bill for him for that description.

MA: [laughs]

K: [laughs] But it’s like, hmm, we’re not - we’re not gonna get into that right now.

MA: That is a different topic.

K: [laughing] Yeah. And, um, I think he just goes quiet for a moment, um, and says,

E: I...I think you have to trust yourself not to do that. And I get that that’s hard, I...also worried for a long time that I couldn’t trust myself to not go too far with my powers, or that - yeah, that I’d do something that I should regret and not regret it. Um, and I even thought about, you know, running away from, like, all this?

K: He just sort of, like, gestures around, like, the base.

E: But I decided to trust myself, that I...if I made mistakes, I’d have people to tell me that I did, and that I’d learn from them. And that I could keep doing the things that I loved, even if I wasn’t perfect at it.

MA: Nat is quiet for a while, and it seems to be kind of digesting, and is just like...hm. Hmm, hm-hm-hm-hm-hm. She’s - like, I know how she’s reacting, but it’s kind of difficult to articulate. She’s like,

N: I...get [sighs]. Ernest, I get what you mean, and where you’re coming from, and stuff, but I don’t...I’m already so...like this? I don’t know if it’s - if it can just be a matter of, you know, trusting myself to not be more the way that I already am? I don’t know...and - and - and - I, like - I don’t...clarity’s sake: I do not feel bad about, uh, blowing up a Crimson Circle building. Those guys are assholes. And we - we got Violet’s sister, and she’s in the medbay right now, and we’re gonna figure out what to do about that whole situation. So I don’t feel bad about any of that. But I - I don’t - sh - shouldn’t I? Like, I don’t - I mean, they suck, they’re bad, I know this, and, and, and Violet knows this, and everybody’s on the same page about that, but...does - I still - and, and I, I still want to be the center of attention all the time, and, and I get…[sigh] Like, up-upset? That I can’t be, and that’s when - that, that, that’s the kind of thing that the other me, like, [sighs] I just - I don’t know when, or how, or why I’m just gonna, like, flip that switch and stop caring, because she screwed over all of her best friends and I don’t know when or why or how, and, and, I don’t know when she figured that she would just...*make* people keep liking her, and I don’t know - I - I want to understand...her, right? Like, I - I need to understand how she got to where she is so I can not do that. But I - I can’t do that, because I can’t talk to her - nor, frankly, would I want to, I-I can only imagine that everything she said would only upset me further. Um, so I started talking to Riptide, so - ‘cause I thought maybe I could understand *him*, and then that could - I could extrapolate it, and then-

MA: And Nat’s kind of, like, making these big gestures with her hands that could mean *literally* anything.

K: [chuckles] Yeah, yeah.

N: And - so I started talking to Riptide ‘cause I thought maybe if I could understand Riptide I could sort of extrapolate that. Um, but, the thing about, uh, Riptide is that he’s a jerk, and sucks? So...I dunno how that’s gonna go. Um, yeah, I don’t - [sigh] - As long as I don’t understand how she made that decision, because I know - I know the potential for that is in me already, I don’t understand what got her from point A to point B. I don’t understand her, so I can’t not become her.

K: Uh, and I think, um, I think Ernest, like, nods, um, and says, like,

E: Yeah, yeah, okay. I...I don’t think - I don’t, you know, I don’t think I have the answers for you for that one. I don’t know that Riptide does, either?

K: [laughing] Like, looks vaguely confused at that, um-

MA: [laughing]

K: [in crosstalk] sort of like, tone of logic

MA: [in crosstalk] Nat just said-

MA: Nat just said a *lot* of things that only kind of were sentences.

K: Yeah, and he’s like,

E: I guess, um, I don’t know…

K: Uh, yeah, he’s sort of, like, hesitant to say this, um, this one.

E: I don’t know how, um, much of a comfort you’ll find this? It helped a lot, um, for me, at least, so. I guess, I guess I’ll bring it up. But, it doesn’t have to be a one-way switch, I guess is what I mean. Like, yeah, I ran into another, um, version of me that wanted to destroy our timeline to try and save his, uh, and got real - real stuck in that sort of solution. And the Wes from that time was, you know, trying to stop him and everything, but he just, you know, couldn’t get out of that for a while? But after, you know, Seb helped fix things and whatnot, like, he...started to see reason again, I guess? Like, in, you know, Kurt managed to, uh, show his future self that they could be a hero, for real, and hopefully pass that message on to, uh, the future me from that timeline? And I know it is scary to think that you might end up, uh, making the wrong kind of decisions for a while, but it also doesn’t have to be forever. You can always choose to do the right thing, even if you didn’t choose it before.

MA: This starts to hit Nat, but then she remembers about, uh - the mention of Wes, uh, reminds her -

K: Noooo!

MA: -that 2054 Cadenza almost definitely killed Wes.

K: Aww.

MA: And is like,

N: I don’t know if there’s - I don’t know if you can always come back from those choices, though. Like, a lot of Big Team in that timeline is, um. Dead? And I don’t know for sure how much of that was me, but, um, I - I’m-I’m pretty sure Wes was me. And you might’ve been me - didn’t uh, didn’t get confirmation on that, one way or another. But, like, I, uh...I don’t know how you can come back? From? That?

E: You...I guess what I’m...yeah, that’s...a lot, to uh, yeah, to hear about, uh, a version of yourself doing. And I guess what I’m - I don’t mean that it could be, like, made up for or anything? But...it could, you know, not be...worse? Not continue to make things worse? Um, I mean, it sounds like you’re worried about slightly different things than I was. I kind of felt like maybe one day I would make a, you know, bad decision and then just…

K: He sort of snaps his fingers, and there’s a little, like, spark of lightning that jumps off his fingertips, and like,

E: There, then, that was - the it, you know, no more doing the right thing ever? But it doesn’t - it doesn’t really work like that. You always get to, you know, decide what you’re gonna do next.

MA: I think Nat does look a little, um, comforted by that. Because it’s not, like, the core thing that she’s worried about, but like, it’s in there. And it’s, like, the reminder that doing one bad thing does not doom you to evil-ness for the rest of eternity is helpful. Um,

K: That was - yeah, that was definitely Ernest’s, like, [in crosstalk] main fear, for him.

MA: [in crosstalk] Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

MA: Yeah, Nat’s - Nat’s fear is, is more akin to, like, like, she’s afraid of, of discovering that sh-the, like, rush of performing her music for people is so overpowering that she just like, decides that’s more important to her than anything else? And then, like, destroys everything that she’s spent her time on Big Team building? Because, because-

K: Mm-hmm.

MA: This is what she wants now? So, Nat - she does look kind of, kind of comforted at what Ernest has said, and she’s like,

N: Yeah, that...that does help a little. Um, I guess I’m just, um…[sighs]. I don’t - I’m, I’m scared of...of finally getting to perform my music for people, and having them like it, and being in the spotlight, and liking it so much that things that I don’t - that I would never do now are - become...on the table? To keep that feeling?

E: And, um, yeah, you’re worried you’d...take things, take things too far. Yeah, I - I get that. Um, I hope, you know, talking about it a bit has helped. I didn’t expect to, you know, just make everything, you know, better, but I want you to know that I’ve had at least, you know, somewhat - somewhat similar thoughts before? And, you know, if you ever wanna talk more about it I’ll, I’ll be there for you, you know?

MA: Nat smiles a little and nods and says,

N: Yeah, it, um, did help, actually, thanks. I...I hadn’t talked about this with anybody before. Um, you know, I - I really like my friends on the team, and, and they’re great, but I - I feel like sometimes, you know, ‘cause of the way that I am? I feel like sometimes people don’t take me seriously when I say that I’m worried about, you know, leveling half the city? Cause I don’t really look like somebody who could do that? And it makes it kinda hard to talk to them about this kind of thing?

E: Yeah, yeah. And, hey, I mean, if we’re talking about people looking like they’re capable of leveling half the city,

K: And Ernest sort of, like, gestures up and down to himself. [laughs]

N: [laughs] Yeah, that’s what I mean, actually, is I appreciate - cause I know that you - you get it, you know? Just, having a lot of power and - and not having a lot of control, and maybe not seeming like someone who’s that intimidating. Like...I dunno. I appreciate you talking to me. That’s all.

K: Um, yeah. And Ernest like, yeah, smiles over, and I think has reached the bottom of his mug of tea and the, you know, dregs of melted marshmallow [laughs]

MA: [laughs]

K: Has to, like, tip them out or whatever.

MA: Nat looks at - [audio cuts out]

[mild hello-hello?ing until the audio problem resolves]

MA: Um, I was just asking, uh, Ernest is trying to pour the marshmallow sludge, like, into his mouth, right?

K: Yeah, yes. Like, you know, when you’ve got, like, something stuck on the bottom of a mug and you try to shake it out into your mouth kind of deal, yeah.

MA: Yeah, Nat is watching this with a mix of fondness and *total* disgust. She’s just like, “This is...mmm, I reverse adopted him, but God, at what cost?” [laughs]

K: [laughs] Yeah, yeah, and he eventually manages to slide melted marshmallows into his mouth, and just kind of, yeah, smiles over at Nat and is like,

E: Yeah, no, and like, as long as, um, as long as you wanna keep training to try to better control your powers, I’m yeah, happy to help. Even if I get knocked on my ass every now and then.

N: [embarrassed chuckle] I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.

E: No, yeah, that’s what I mean! It’s, it’s cool.

N: Okay, okay. I mean, like, ugh, God, I know training with this - with anybody on Big Team can be, you know, kind of a crapshoot. Um, but, hopefully - hopefully I didn’t, like, bruise anything *too* bad. I know Violet somehow got Mel to start, like, lifting weights with her sometimes? And I don’t-

E: Yeah, it’s *incredible.*

N: I don’t know how she did that, and frankly I don’t know *why* she did that, and I don’t know why Mel took her up on it. But, um.

E: She - she accomplished something Old Jackal couldn’t? Which is incredibly impressive, in my book.

N: Right, yeah! And, I - mm, I bet - I was about to say that I, I have no idea how those two ended up being friends, but that’s a lie. I would bet any amount of money that Mel became Violet’s friend the same way I became Violet’s friend, by which I mean talking at her until she gave in.

E: [laughs] Yeah, that - uh, Mel - Mel would be good at that.

N: [giggles] Isn’t that how he, uh, reverse adopted Smoke?

E: Um, probably? You know, I’m fuzzy on the details of that one, if I’m honest.

MA: [laughs] Nat starts laughing and she’s like,

N: Wait, did I tell you about how Smoke absolutely took my advice to, uh, play catch with Mel?

K: You can see Ernest, like, concentrating on trying to visualize this, and just like bursts out laughing.

MA: Right? Right? It’s such a good image. Um, and I think we can sort of, like, have, like, the camera so to speak kind of fade to black on Nat telling the story of Smoke taking her advice to play catch with Mel.

K: I almost like - I almost like the idea of kind of, like, as it’s fading out, sort of, like, Smoke walks down the hallway and they have to get all, like, secretive or something for a moment.

MA: [laughing] That is so good, especially because that is how Smoke heard her - how that - how she ended up giving Smoke that advice in the first place, is -

K: [laughing]

MA: She was telling - she was complaining to the room at large, which Mel was not in, um, about how Mel wouldn’t just tell Smoke that he wanted him to be his dad, and then Smoke was standing directly behind her. [In crosstalk] And she was-

K: [in crosstalk] Oh, fantastic.

MA: When she was done being startled, she was like, “Just cut the shit and play catch with him or something and talk about your feelings!” So they started playing catch, but then, uh, Mel’s finale started, so I like to think that Smoke was just, like, trying to work up the courage to, to talk about feelings while playing catch, but then got interrupted and was like, *“Dammit!”*

K: Fantastic. Yeah I think that’s a good, that’s a good place to close out.

MA: Yeah. Yeah! Cool.

K: Alright. Goodbye, Craig. We banish thee.

MA: [laughing] The sacred incantation to banish Craig.

K: ...Uh-oh.

MA: [*Pfft*]

K: Oh, I - I, uh, I [in crosstalk] mistyped the sacred incantation.

MA: [in crosstalk] Is it the semicolon?