177: You're The Best Turtle I Know

## Summary

While waiting for Brom to rest, the group tend to various important duties: Batthwack pays the bar tab, Raphina carefully releases her worm bait back into the wild, and Will explores the town, looking for investment opportunities. Dew takes the group to speak to Harry, only to discover that the aged elf has died in the night, but they note that he wore a waterfall necklace, as does Dew, just like the ones belonging to Batthwack and Captain Clockface. Suddenly noticing that their Strahd money is getting *really* heavy now, Will takes Batthwack to the Lazy Currant to thrash out a deal to buy the place, and in an attempt to make the pair of them look like a great team, he casts *Charm Person* on Batthwack, but it rebounds and he himself becomes charmed with the dragonborn. A deal with the bartender is struck and then Batthwack seizes the opportunity while Will is charmed to sway their bodyguard contract in his favour.

## Synopsis

The early hours of the morning, while waiting for Brom to rest, Batthwack goes to the Lazy Currant to leave a pile of gold on the bar by way of settling up his bar tab. Then he cleans his armour in the river, which Dew helps him with.

Raphina opens up the can of worms she bought at the mercantile and takes them out one at a time, listening and whispering to them. She then spends the next four hours running around trying to take each worm home to their own particular pile of dirt.

Will spends the time wandering about the village and looking for the important-looking houses, and coming up with nothing. He's looking for investment opportunities as a way to rid himself of his heavy money, but from their houses at least, everyone in the village seems disappointingly equal. Though some houses are a little bigger than others, there's no obvious hierarchy.

Will wanders idly round the abandoned stalls in the square. At the *Fish Throw* stall it looks like people had been throwing fish, with lines marking out the distances. At the *Hold the Wine* booth there's a table where it looks like people were sitting. At the *Catch* stall there are a few shields strewn about, one of which has a hand axe embedded in it. They're isn't much to see at the *Riddling Contest* booth. *Roll Your Tongue* has a couple of tables with two chairs on either side of them. There's a little counter at the *Greased Pig Catch* stall.

Will suggests they all go and speak to Harry. He's really intrigued by the fact he's the one person they've met so far who's remembered anything from before, though he is suspicious that Harry might have just been playing Dew along. Will's heard of people stamping their own coins, but hasn't heard of monkey coins, *"so that's weird. And if this is a prank, I guess it would be pretty elaborate. It's just odd."* He wonders if Harry can help explain any of this stuff. Batthwack wants to ask him about the animal gods too.

Dew goes off to wake Harry up and while he's gone Will asks Batthwack if they trust Dew. *"Are we sure that this Dew guy is not, like, Strahd's butler and he has come to take vengeance on us? I'm just saying, you have to kill him if he tries to hurt me because that's the deal that we haven't talked about yet. Don't worry, I'm working on a contract here."* He tells Batthwack that the contract he's not written yet is already in place; it's retroactive. He mentions that he's still feeling weird about the life force Batthwack gave him. Batthwack says he'd happily take them back but doesn't know how.

Dew discovers that he can't wake Harry. He shakes Harry's shoulder, and he slumps over. Dew checks for vital signs, and it's clear that he's dead. Thinking back, Dew reckons its been 2-3 hours since he spoke with him. He tells the others and Batthwack runs over, checks the body and finds no wounds or obvious causes of death. Raphina also comes over to make some medical examinations. They think he's been dead for some time.

The group are discussing whether Harry had any family they know of and whether they should bury him, when Captain Clockface starts tugging at Batthwack's arm insistently. He's hopping up and down and pointing at Harry's neck. To Batthwack's surprise, Harry's wearing a necklace with a charm that has the image of a waterfall. Dew says he may know what this is and unbuttons his cloak to reveal he also has a necklace with a waterfall charm on it, very similar to the hand-carved ones that Batthwack and Captain Clockface wear. Dew's necklace has no maker's mark and he tells them that his necklace was a gift from his adoptive family. He explains that the waterfall is the symbol of Eldath, goddess of peace and his family's deity. Will's never heard of Eldath and Batthwack is stunned into silence. Looking closer at Harry's necklace, Dew is pretty sure that it wasn't made by gnomish hands, being too large. Captain Clockface shows Dew his necklace, which is very rough. He communicates to Dew that he made it himself. Raphina asks Batthwack who Eldath is and he says he doesn't know. Will feigns disappointment that he and Raphina aren't in the *"necklace club"*. Dew says he'd happily have a go at crafting one for them each. Dew asks Batthwack where he got his necklace and he says he made it. Batthwack asks who Eldath is. Dew: *"She was the patron of at least my family, many of the families in the village, although not all of them. She's a minor goddess and doesn't require much, but she is one of my patron deities."* Dew says it's odd to see a symbol of Eldath here considering the disparity between the goddess of lakes (still water) and the Rainbow Trout, god of the river. Raphina asks about the waterfall symbol and Dew explains *"The waterfall falling into the still pond was to show that even when water could be disturbed by the fall, the lake remained calm underneath. She would not attack even when provoked."*

Will surreptitiously tries to cast *Speak with the Dead*; he doesn't want to embarrass himself if it doesn't work now that his powers seem to have changed. It... doesn't work. Raphina checks Harry's pockets for anything that might help identify his next of kin, but only finds some copper pieces with monkeys stamped on them. Will wonders what part of the land has money like this, and then recalls the Church of the Divine Monkey, and that Ricardo Ulysses stole from there, leaving his mind racing about Harry could have been Ricardo in disguise.

All this talk of money causes the group, and especially Will and Raphina, to notice that their money is really heavy now, to the point where they think they may not be able to carry it for much longer. It's clear it's the Strahd money that's affected. Will starts to get a bit panicky. He wonders about using his money to either pay Batthwack to deliver him to Tivoli (but he hasn't written up their contract yet), or buy some real estate, such as the local bar.

Dew has an idea and goes to take a look at the local blacksmith, finding the building untended. He finds a free crucible and checks that the fire is still hot. He takes his nine "Strahd" silver pieces and puts them over the heat, melting them into a fine shambling slurry. He then starts working on transforming it into a waterfall for Raphina. The resulting waterfall is not as fine as the one fashioned by gnomish hands that he's wearing, but he's pleased with it all the same. *"It's a humble effort. The one that I'm wearing was made by somebody far more skilled than me, and a real-life gnome, rather than just an adoptee."* He fixes a small loop to the top so that it can be threaded into a leather string or something. *"Let me know if that gets heavier!"* he says as Raphina puts it in her *Lanky Pack*. He then takes his three copper pieces and fashions them into a lake with three lines on one edge as a stylised waterfall. He hands it to Will, saying *"I know you said you were kidding, but... Welcome to the waterfall club."*

In the meantime the Lazy Currant has opened up, so Will and Batthwack head over there. The male bartender is there from the night before, clearing up after the festivities. They go in through the batwing doors. The bartender welcomes them and asks if it was Batthwack who had left the money, saying it more than covers the cost of the drinks. He says it's much too generous, but Batthwack insists that he keep it and he appreciates the generosity.

Will asks the bartender if he owns the bar and he says he does. Will asks if he's ever considered having a sponsor, or having someone buy him out while he still runs the place. He says he has not. Will introduces himself as an investor who travels all over Six Rivers looking for real estate to buy. *"I look for the most hip, happening bars and different pieces of real estate that look like they're about to blow up and I am interested in purchasing the..."* He pauses while he tries to remember the bar's name. *"...This great place. It's called..."* He nips back outside and looks up at the sign. *"...The Lazy Currant!"* The bartender seems dubious that his tavern is either "hip" or "happening". Will explains that he thinks the place is perfectly situated out in the middle of the woods, where travellers need somewhere to stop, and is primed for development.

Looking at Batthwack, the bartender asks if what happened last night was some kind of attempt at softening him up for this. Batthwack says he's Will's bodyguard, and doesn't have any business interests; he just needed a break. Will outlines his proposal, which is to *"drop a significant sum, we sign a contract, I own the Lazy Currant and you go about your business."* He says that the bartender can make the renovations he wants to and maybe add somewhere for people to sleep. The bartender says *"I've been running this business for 12 years."* Will *Prestidigitates* the smell of expensive cologne to give himself an air of sophistication and confidence and they discuss various business details: for example, whether the bartender would receive a salary or a share of profits. Will accuses the bartender of playing hard ball, which he denies.

The bartender asks Batthwack what he has to say about all this; he's not entirely convinced this isn't all part of some elaborate scheme. Batthwack yells him that Will has run businesses before, but when the bartender asks if Will's trustworthy, Batthwack falls silent. Trying to show what great comrades they are, Will awkwardly rests his elbow on Batthwack's shoulder and tries to stealthily cast *Charm Person* on him, but the spell is actually rebound and Will is actually charmed by Batthwack. Will isn't aware of this, but Batthwack is.

Will tells Batthwack that he wants him to be more than a bodyguard and in fact be a partner in this business opportunity. The bartender says he'd be more interested in the deal if Batthwack were involved. Will excitedly chatters on about which combination of names would sound best. *"Batthwack, Pompion and Clockface"*, anyone? He even suggests having Batthwack's face on the sign, which would fit with the river aesthetic. Batthwack suggests it should have the bartender's face, but Will was rather thinking of buying him out. Batthwack suggests a waterfall symbol then in that case. He says this whole endeavour is obviously very important to Will, but less so to him. He's willing to give it a go though, but first, he says, *"You seem like you're in a really good mood right now. Maybe we could talk about my contract."* Will realises he's going to be busy with contracts, what with also having to write one up for the bar.

The bartender agrees to the sale. Batthwack warns Will against making the bar too fancy, and Will agrees it should be a great place for the locals to come. Will holds his hand up to Batthwack in a rare offer of a high-five. Batthwack takes him up on it, but takes care not to hit too hard; causing Will any harm would break the spell.

Eventually the Lazy Currant contracts are written up and Will unloads a load of his heavy gold. In the meantime, Dew has melted down two of his Strahd gold into a small marble, which he leaves with the Blacksmith whose forge he used earlier, with a note saying *"This marble may get heavier. If it does, put it somewhere that's not a problem."*

Batthwack makes his way over to the Trout Temple and entrusts the safekeeping of his heavy money to Dim. He tells him that the bag, containing 129 gold pieces and 75 platinum, is heavy and asks to put it somewhere he won't need to move it.

While Batthwack's gone, Will considers their bodyguard contract. Still under the influence of the *Charm Person* spell, he wants to pay Batthwack a lot of money if he delivers him to Tivoli. Up to this point he had been thinking about a few things to add into the contract, e.g. clauses about not killing kids, but right now he's feeling so well-disposed towards him that he's actually thinking more about what Batthwack wants.

Eventually, the village begins to wake up. Brom is among those up the earliest, having been given such an important mission by the Rainbow Trout. The group show him Harry's body. Brom does know him and says that Harry doesn't have any immediate family, so he notifies the appropriate village folk who can attend to him and carry out the proper rights. While that's happening, Will asks the locals about Harry. *"Yeah, he's been here as long as anybody can remember"* says one local as they all bow their heads. Will asks *"Oh, you don't not remember him and remember him at the same time or anything like that?"* Everyone stops bowing their heads and stares confusedly at him. Dew wraps up two of his new crop of gold monkey coins in some grabby triangle leaves and leaves them on Harry's chest. Meanwhile Raphina has been redistributing her money around her Lanky Packs in an attempt to spread the increased weight around. In doing so, she discovers a silver piece and a white flower amongst them, which previously had belonging to Lank. *"It's a sign guys! Lank is still with us,"* she says. She goes over to the Temple and leaves them there as an offering.

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from KT. After Batthwack warns against making The Lazy Currant too fancy, Will promises it will be a great place for locals and travellers, suggesting it will be a resort. Alex/Batthwack: *"What's a resort?"* KT/Will: *"Oh, Batthwack. It's like a place for fancy people, that aren't turtles I guess. No offense! Because guess what? You're the best turtle I know."* Greg: *"But you're not welcome at any resort."*

## Episode Sponsor

*Main article: The Adverts of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode was brought to you by *The Lazy Currant*, a normal bar that serves normal alcohol!

## References

1. ↑ It's confirmed in the next episode that Raphina doesn't release *all* the worms at this point. See episode 178: It's a Good Thing Raphina Is a Notary
2. ↑ See episode 163: Physician, Heal Thyself
3. ↑ KT reveals some interesting insight into Will's background and wealth here, saying *"Honestly, I'm content to say that I might have not had any money in my pockets when I started this journey. Because I was taken from my home while eating dinner and put on my overcoat [...] I know I'm wealthy, but I wouldn't just be carrying around wealth, so I truly don't know how much I would have. I don't know what a normal amount would be."*
4. ↑ Alex rolled a nat 20 for resisting the spell – "spanakopita" gets its first use!
5. ↑ See episodes 88: The One Where Eric's Bein' All Strict and Shit and 89: No, No, Just a Plain Old Punch
6. ↑ KT explains Will's mindset, *"There are things that I would want to discuss with Batthwack like, what do you want? It sounds like what you want is to be the king of your clan. I mean, come on. We're friends now, you should be able to tell me these things. I imagine I could have signed it and then we're reading the contract at the end and I'm like, I said I would do that? What? I'm reading it and I look at my signature, and I come to, and I'm like, how the fuck did I sign this?!"*
7. ↑ At the end of the episode, it's also stated that once they're all back together, Brom leads them out of the village and they begin their journey up river, in search of the lizardfolk and Chilchirah, but the next episode starts with some more business in Norton.