Dr. Phil

*Note that this page is of considerable length, especially when compared to most other pages on the Wiki*

## Dr. Phil

* Normal Form
* Cool Dr. Phil

### Relatives

* Mrs. Phil
* Mr. Phil
* J.J Philington
* Flocter Dhil
* Roctomonous Philhilian
* Hector Philip
* Phoctor Dhil
* Philerson Jr.

## Physical description

### Eye color

Unknown

> "*Unfunny British shit must be your niche, cause you just got bodied by Dr. Phil bitch!*"
> ― Dr. Phil[[source]]
>
>

**Dr. Phil McGraw** is an award-winning psychiatrist that attempts to help people on his name-sake show. After so many years of this schtick, Phil has gained massive tolerance to even the most brain-busted of individuals, and can act rational in even the most absurd of situations. This isn't to say he can handle everything though - sometimes the rage can't be controlled and the aftermath is, well, *shocking* to say the least.

## Life

Dr. Phil was born on September 1st, 1950. Everyone's favorite doctor's childhood was rather quite... normal? He did some random stuff as a kid and uh.... well things didn't get interesting until he about 12. Phil was messing around in a lightning storm, despite the warnings of his peers. There was lightning and thunder abound, yet the youngster doctor was still fiddling with the junk outside.

### When Two Legends Meet

Dr. Phil met Steve Harvey for the very first time at the 4th International Poop Festival. They had their eyes locked luxuriously on each other for nearly 2 hours. They almost seemed as if they were statues… in fact, when a wrecking ball was launched into them, the only thing that broke was the ball itself. After all that time of dead silence, Harvey finally spoke and said “S-so how are you doing on this… lovely day." His hand were shaking vigorously, it seemed like his vibrations would cause travel to the ground, and cause tremors in the earth. Phil, his shyness making him release the ocean as sweat said, “Well, you know… I’m... uh, p-pretty good.” Phil thought his reply was so unbelievably cringe that a part of his brain ceased all functions right then and there. The two then ran away from each other, faster than the speed of light, due to the embarrassment plaguing the festival. They phased through all the attendees since they were traveling at nearly light-speed. Some described the feeling of Dr. Phil's particles flowing through them as "amazing", one even saying "I could leave my wife for this". But the sheer amount of awkwardness at the festival was extreme. Some guy said he felt like his nuts would explode. That year's Poop Festival was just a disaster as you can see. But Phil and Harvey weren't done yet. They wanted to meet each other again, maybe with less embarrassment. Maybe at next year's festival? But would they want to risk ruining the festival yet again, with their social incompetence? Harvey thought about meeting at Thrumble's Coffee-Shop. That place is usually calm, aside from those weird yetis and living slabs of gelatin. Truth be told, Phil thought of the very same thing. So Phil shat on a paper, and then tied it to a bird, hoping the letter would reach Steve Harvey. Thankfully, the letter fell off after the bird hit a tree, and flew into the window of Harvey’s mansion. Harvey read through the whole letter, pondering where that rancid stench in the air was coming from. With the meeting be scheduled at 5:00 PM later that day, Harvey took a shower, ate breakfast, went dumpster diving, ate dinner, slept for a few seconds, ate breakfast, and then finally tidied up his suit for the meeting. Phil did the exact same thing, minus the shower part. Phil and Harvey were walking down the street towards the Café, until they noticed each other walking at the same time, with the exact same pace. This made them both embarrassed (yet again). Harvey's hands clenched vigorously, cracking every bone and tearing every muscle he had in them. Both of them were scared of causing a nuclear embarrassment again. But then Phil and Harvey realized... Constantly worrying about how you appear to other people's puny minds is truly the most embarrassing thing of all. Both of them decided that they'd stop being such pussycats and toughen up their cheeks like real men. So that's what they did. They started to walk towards each other passionately, though with these creepy smiles on their faces. They eventually were there, standing face-to-face. "How the fuck are you doing on this nasty-ass day" Phil said. Harvey did not think that this is what they were going for, but he rolled with it anyways. "Oh, I'm just fine you stupid dick-face, how is your smelly bitch-ass today?" he asked. "I'm feeling better than ever before you ugly little douche-nugget." Phil replied. Harvey was kind of insulted by that statement, but he just motioned Phil to come into the shop with him. Phil did this stupid-ass smile that he thought looked cool for some reason, and the two walked in, the doors epicly shutting behind them. Many have tried to figure out what happened next, but the duo claimed that the details are so awesome that you might die from awesomeness if you heard it. This epic awesomeness is a great way to seg-way into this next segment...

### **The Absolute Coolness of Phil and Harvey**

Aside from the absolute trash you just read above, Dr. Phil and Steve Harvey are just so god damn cool. Like, those two together are just unbelievably cool. Like way way past cool. They're very very hairy, dairy, and scarily cool. They are so cool, that they could probably solve global warming, just by using their super-cool coolness. Whenever Phil and Harvey do something together they make that thing look like the coolest thing in the history of anything forever, even to people who just absolutely despise that thing with their lives. Like, some parts of the world just aren't so tolerant of homosexuals, you get what I'm saying? But as soon as those hateful people see Phil and Harvey locking lips, it morphs into something amazing (though depending on the context it already was). It morphs into something cool, something fantastic, something they must embrace, something that they now have the sudden urge to participate in. Allegedly, the US Government attempted to take advantage of this epic cool-ness power, and sent the two to Iraq holding American flags.

### **The Dr. Phil Show**

Dr. Phil is best-known for his daytime television show simply titled the "The Dr. Phil Show." The show is centered around Phil helping mental people overcome their various problems, even if the problem is that they are unable to unclog their bathroom sinks. As an example, there once was an episode where a guy had a severe bowel problem - it caused him to constantly take giant titanic-sized dumps. The dude just wasn't able to hold it in, and in just a mere 9 seconds into the episode, he shot out a gigantic Shit-Ship that flew into audience crushing hundreds. Dr. Phil became absolutely furious - obviously at the fact that the shiny floors that had ***just*** been cleaned are now covered in feces. So, Phil decided that he would pour a large bucket of Hydrofluoric acid he pulled out of his pocket on the guy's ballsack, and told him to leave the show immediately. The audience clapped as the guy screamed in pain, with blood, steam, and ballsack juice flying all over the place. At the end of the episode, as his crew cleaned up the mess, Phil gave everyone in the audience $9 Taco Bell gift cards for baring witness to what happened. Also, the Titanic dump guy received a massive Wolf Spider with wings and a stinger in the mail, which ended up killing him.

The Dr. Phil Show wasn't even created by Phil himself, believe it or not. It all started because Poop-Scoop Inc. needed a new show to fill in their 4:00 PM time slot. They struggled to find any shows that they could easily obtain the rights of (Gordon Ramsay's Racist Racers was one they lamented not being able to get), and sourcing creators from the dark alleyways of abandoned cities was not working out. Luckily, the company noticed Dr. Phil's performance on America's Got Talent - they found it very impressive. Thinking he'd be perfect for the host of a show, they contacted him. Being a big fan of his personality, they had suggested he become a 'Doctor' and deal with random nut bags picked from the streets. Phil wasn't convinced at first, but as soon as he was offered a red velvet cupcake, he instantly agreed. Curiously, Phil did not get the 'Dr.' title because of this show. He was actually born with it. Alongside the Dr. Phil Show, Phil once had his own cooking show, believe it or not. In "Phil's Funtastic Furnished Kitchen Fantasies", he would instruct viewers on how to make a wide variety of dishes, his most favorite being the 'Chocolate Cocaine Cookies'. Despite the show's immensely immense popularity, it ended up being canned in 2006. The reason for the cancellation remains a mystery to this very day.

### Miscellaneous

After the popularity of his show sky-rocketed, Dr. Phil went on to enter celebrity stardom, allowing him to be a guest-star in various kinds of media. One of his most famous appearances was when he was a guest judge on an episode of America's Got Talent. When a lady came on stage and demonstrated her gopher-juggling skills, Phil pushed the red button within 0.05 microseconds, unleashing 4 grizzly bears onto the stage, which mauled the woman to death on live television. Guess that's what you deserve when you deliver a bad performance. The fans just loved Phil in that episode; Yet not many people realize that he forced the people who worked on the show to let him guest star. If they didn't let him on the show, he would stalk each and every crew member until the day they died. Only one crew member stood their ground, although they and most of their family were reported missing 6 years ago, and no evidence of their whereabouts have sprung up since.

Have you ever seen Phil's head before? I would assume not, but I'm well aware since getting a proper glimpse of it can be rather difficult. But those who have seen it clearly all agree that it is one of the most beautiful scalps ever possessed by a human in the history of anything ever in world ever. Even people that think the rest of Phil is a disgusting blob of old flesh can't deny, that bald head is quite the masterpiece. It is perfectly shiny, and it glimmers gloriously in the warm sun. Phil makes sure that it is washed up to 25 times an hour, to not let one spec of grime grace this bald beauty.

### **Controversy**

Did you think Phil would be around for that long, and not have gotten into any controversy before? You'd figure he wouldn't with that all that girth he carries around, but sadly this is not the case. One particular episode to spark outrage was "The Metaphorical Combustion of the Intertwining Threads that secure our Societal tendencies and String Theory." In the episode, Phil brings out some 'expert' onto the stage, where he talks about how to create grenades from the safety of your very own home. However, the smart guy man eventually mentioned how he loved to eat pineapple pizza. This caused a loud gasp to emerge from the audience. Even Phil himself seemed a bit shocked at the remark. The smart guy man looked around in confusion, as some audience members started to sob. "I've done this show for over 300 years, yet in all my time, I've *never* seen anyone say something like this" Phil said. The doctor then ordered his Mexican security guards to escort the smart guy man out of the building, and to a prison. The audience clapped and cheered as the smart guy man was dragged off the stage, screaming about his dentist and orange gourds. While the episode ended rather nicely, many people were still not satisfied. Plenty of viewers were absolutely shocked to see something as devilish as pineapple pizza mentioned so nonchalantly. They've been watching this show for years, and for them to broadcast such a heinous thing, especially when innocent children could have been watching? Absolutely despicable. The episode was shortly pulled, and it seems likely that it'll never be aired on national television again. In fact, the episode is banned in nearly every country. Very sad, but ultimately the best course of action to take.

That's not the only episode to gain negative attention unsurprisingly. Nobody can mention Dr. Phil without mentioning the infamous episode "Schlonkbobby and the Egregious Feces-Fiend." In the episode, a mentally-ill person believes that they're the universe-renowned pop artist and plumber, Schlonkbobby the Pooper. Phil mentioned that he found Schlonkbobby "pretty ridiculous." Half of the members in the audience fainted or died instantly from Phil's comment. People were appalled that he would ever say such a thing. How exactly could you just insult Schlonkbobby like that? Phil was confused why the audience acted the way they did... he didn't think the sounds of bloody diarrhea could be passed off as music. Perhaps Phil was simply not caught up in the current trends of today's youth. Either way, the episode was quite the unfortunate event for him. Online critics constantly site this classic episode whenever they're discussing why the Dr. Phil show sucks, is complete and utter garbage, and should be canceled. Phil wants the episode to be banned due to how embarrassing it is, but they legally can't do that, due to the 2004 Schlonkbobby-Protection Law. Sad.

## Notes & Trivia

* It has been rumored that Dr. Phil actually has his own country, inhabited by only Dr. Phil mega fans, and it remains hidden under another country which will not be revealed. I will not comment on this matter any further.
* Dr. Phil will apparently never pass away, since he's reportedly injected his blood with an unknown substance, as stated in a 2007 interview. Whether or not Phil stated this as a joke, we honestly do not know. Theories have suggested the substance to be Cuicy Sproodle Juice, milked from a Worgwiss.
* It is not recommended to try and steal any of Phil's commendables, since he claims the perpetrators will suffer at the hands of Billary Winton Jr. Now that's a fate worse than death.