Goro: The Hardest Lesson I've Taught You

*Set after Resolution TRP.*

After dinner, Hansel walked Luci back to her room, and Goro had Amari to himself.

"You look good," she said, cupping his cheek as they stood in the kitchen. "Healthier."

"Yeah?" Goro still froze up a little at her touch, sometimes, after all these years. Not discomfort, just… surprise. That she still felt that way.

"Something's changed." She smiled. "Other than being in love, I think."

"Psh." He batted her hand away. Turned around and looked for something to do, something to keep him busy. There were dishes that still needed washing, and a basin of soapy water. He made his way over to them. "I stopped carrying that wand around, I guess."

"Oh. The awful one?"

"It's not awful," he snapped. Oddly defensive of a fucking stick. He plunged his hands into the water, dragging his fingers along the bottom of the basin to check for forgotten silverware. "It's the reason Joan's alive. And Mishka. You don't know Mishka, but he's Hansel's husband. You get it?"

"Mm. I do know Mishka. I'm glad he's alive, and also Joan. But I hope you never use that wand again, Goro. Never."

"That doesn't follow. You don't get to be happy about the results of the wand and also hate it and never want me to use it. Fucking all of you. Everyone says the same thing."

"We're happy because we were lucky. Nothing more." Goro didn't answer, but dumped bowls into the water, clattering them against each other. "Goro, stop. You're going to break my dishes."

"I'll buy you some fucking new ones." But he stopped anyway, and shook the water off his hands. Amari picked up a tea towel, took him gently by the wrists, one at a time, and dried him off the rest of the way. When she finished, she gave his fingers a squeeze.

"I'm glad you're not carrying it around anymore," she said. "It was making you sick, sweetheart, whether you knew it or not. I'm glad to see the color back in your cheeks. I know Hansel is too."

"Hansel barely ever knew me without that wand."

"It's an extra special treat for him, then. Knowing you can be well."

"Can I wash your fucking dishes, please?"

"No. Come sit down." She led him by the hand back to the table. "I'll make you some tea."

"Not more of that stuff that put me to sleep before." Amari didn't answer, just went about putting water on to boil. "Ma."

"Just chamomile this time."

Goro slouched in his chair and waited for her to finish brewing it. She set the mug in front of him with a kiss on his forehead, then took the seat across from him. "How are things?" she asked.

"Eh."

"I don't know what that means."

Goro shrugged.

"You have something you want to tell me," Amari said. "You might as well say it now, while we're both here."

Goro groaned. He stared into his tea, glancing up at Amari every few seconds. "Ma. You know I love you, right?"

"Yes, I do."

"No, I mean—god. You're everything to me, you know that? I'm sorry I was such a dick to you all those years. Like, honest to fucking god, I was the worst. I just… I want you to know, I'm getting better. And it might seem like it's for Hansel, 'cause it's like I've found someone worth being a better person for. I have to clean up my act for him. But the thing is, it's actually because of you. I mean, everything you did for me, everything you taught me—I wouldn't be able to be a better person for Hansel if it weren't for all that. God, this sounds shitty. Like, you planted the seed and Hansel gets the flower, I guess."

He glanced up at her again, and sure enough, she was crying.

Smiling, too, though.

"Oh, no, my sweet boy." She shook her head, sniffling. "We both get the flower. Everyone gets the flower."

"Ah, jeez, Ma."

"This is everything I've ever wanted." She let out a little sob and wiped her eyes.

"*Ma.*"

She reached over the table and squeezed his hand. "If I planted the seed, then I suppose I'm just grateful to Hansel for giving it enough sunshine to grow."

"Oh, my god." Goro covered his face with the hand she wasn't holding. "This is embarrassing. Can we talk about something else now? Oh, I know. I meant to tell you, I'm sending you a kid."

"You're what?"

"I met a kid, a runaway, in Skyport. Jonas. Or, Black Joe was the street name I gave him, before I decided he'd fucking die if he stayed on the streets. I put him on a ship to the Sanctuary and told him to ask for you. He should be here tomorrow, or thereabouts."

"I see." Amari nodded, wiping away the last of her tears. "I suppose I could help make sure he gets settled in."

"Yeah, that's really all I was thinking of. Find him an extra bed and a job to do, or however it works. I know you can't very well take him on as an apprentice, since you've still got me."

"Oh, I don't know about that. You've grown so independent lately. All those spells you learned in Calimport, for instance. I have a feeling it won't be a year before you're the one teaching me."

Goro stared at her, horrified. "Are you dumping me?"

"No, Goro." She gave his hand another squeeze. "Would it make you jealous if I did take on another apprentice?"

"K—… kind of."

"I'm proud of you for being honest with yourself. You know I'd still be your mother, right? Even after I've taught you all I can. No one will ever take your place in my heart."

"Not 'til you adopt the next one, too."

"You know, I've heard a strange theory that people can have multiple children."

He glowered. "Don't ask me questions if you're just going to make fun of my answer."

"Oh, sweetheart." She sighed and gestured to his mug. "Drink your tea before it gets cold."

He didn't much care for her deflecting, but he took a drink anyway. And a few more, before he spoke again. "There was… another thing I wanted to talk to you about. Jealousy, actually."

"Oh?"

Another drink. Goro stared at the table. "Hansel and Mishka are getting married. Re-married."

Amari gave a small, interested murmur. "And you wish it were you and Hansel?"

"I wish—" He stopped and bit down, glancing at the door. It was fine. Just the two of them. Amari wouldn't judge him. Took him a second to form the words, since he'd refused to look at them head-on even though they'd been floating around in his head for days. "I wish I were the most important person in his life. And I'm not. It's Mishka."

Amari nodded. "How long has Hansel known Mishka?"

"I don't know. Ten years."

"And how long has he known you?"

"Ma, if you've got something to say, just fucking say it."

"Very well. Maybe, in another ten years—"

"Then Mishka will have known him for *twenty*." Goro's hands were strangling his mug, and he made himself take another drink, which he half-inhaled and choked on. God, it was all so fucking stupid. He knew he sounded like a whiny brat.

"I see," Amari said. "So it's a race to a finish line?"

"It's fucking not, but—" He batted a hand in the air. "Stop trying to—you're doing that thing where you—"

"Shh, shh." She took the flapping hand and eased it back to the table. "What is it, then? Tell me."

"You don't understand. He needs Mishka in a way he's never going to need me."

"Ah. And he needs you in a way he's never going to need Mishka?"

Goro scoffed. "Nice fucking try, but no. Like what? What could he possibly need from me?"

"Hmm. I'd suggest you ask him, but I don't think Hansel enjoys being put on the spot like that. That, and it's a difficult thing to put into words. So you might need to content yourself with believing there's something, even if you can't know what it is." Goro scoffed again, and Amari smiled. "And if you can't do that, well, you know, it's much better to be wanted than to be needed, anyway. Need can be a sickly, unpleasant thing. But Hansel wants you in his life, Goro. He absolutely does. As I'm sure he's told you."

Goro grunted, still staring at the table. He took another drink. "Look. I don't want to feel this way. What if they have a fucking wedding, huh? I'm just supposed to sit around with my fake church smile plastered on? I care about them both. I want to be happy for them."

"Oh. Be happy for them, then."

"*Ma*, I can't. I'm trying. But the jealousy. How do I make it go away?"

"Well… you don't, sweetheart. It sounds like that's just how you feel. It's alright to feel that way, and you don't have to try and stop it. But it's something for you to keep to yourself, and me if you need to share it. Don't you dare offer it up to Hansel as a problem he needs to solve. Don't ask him to diminish his happiness so you can grow your own. It won't work that way. It never works that way."

"Jeez, I won't. God." Goro scooted his mug out of the way and slumped forward, forehead resting on the table. He breathed in and out, condensation turning the wood damp under his nose. "You're supposed to fix it. Fix me. That's why I came here. So you could talk me out of being jealous. What do you mean, it's just how I feel? Sounds like fucking bullshit."

"It's true, I'm afraid. I can tell you all sorts of things to help you look at it differently. I can tell you that joy begets more joy, and that Hansel's love is limitless, not something scarce he needs to parcel out. I can tell you there are almost certainly things you have with Hansel that Mishka doesn't, but wishes he did. I can tell you that there's nothing quite so sweet as the first days of new love, and you'd be unwise to try and hasten things along. I can tell you these things, and know they're true, and you might even believe me. But it won't change that someone else has something you want, and that hurts you. You just need to let it hurt."

"No." Goro shook his head against the table. "No. Fix it. Help me." He had his eyes squeezed shut, but he heard Amari shifting her chair so it was beside his. She rubbed his back a few times, then rested her hand on the back of his neck, in that strangely comforting place it always settled.

"Of all the lessons I've ever taught you," she said, "this one might be the hardest. That sometimes you can do everything right, and still hurt."

"*No*."

She didn't say anything more. But she stayed there with him, until he was ready to get up again.