The Adventures of Kerbin, Celtic and Bonesy 8: The Neckbeard God

Bonesy looked above the self-proclaimed "Neckbeard God". Spoooky, Ryuko and Midna were floating in the dark, vast expanse that the entire squad was in.They were tied to chairs and gagged, reminiscent of a cartoon villain's lair.

Bonesy: "Where the hell are we??"

The short, yet very plump fedora-wearing man before them cleared his throat.

Alex: "You stand in the glory of the Plains of Euphoria!"

Kerbin, Celtic, Bonesy and Memez looked around.

Memez: "Are the Plains behind this darkness?"

Alexander's shoulders sagged in exasperation.

Alex: "I haven't finished them yet, it's been kind of a busy week for me."

Celtic: "What did you have to do?"

Alex: "Well, there were five Comic-Con's in a row and.... IT DOESN'T MATTER!"

Celtic: "I know, i was just stalling."

Bonesy: "Better question, why the hell are we here?"

Alex's face beamed with an evil plan.

Alex: "I am bored, and you are my entertainment."

Bonesy: "I'm not filming ANOTHER porno."

Celtic: "Another?"

Bonesy: "Don't ask."

Alex: "NO, no. You will play a game for me."

Celtic: "Why does that sound sexual?"

Alexander summoned a table out of the darkness just to flip it.

Alex: "IT'S NOT SEXUAL YOU UNENLIGHTENED UN-FASHIONABLE BETA-MALES!!!"

Bonesy: "Jeez, sorry."

Alex took a couple seconds to calm down.

Kerbin: "So what game will you make us play?"

Alex: "It is a game far above any other, with no equal on this world or any other. It is the epitome of graphics, gameplay, story..."

Celtic: "Just shut up and tell us."

Alex: "Call of Duty."

Bonesy stared at Alex blankly for a minute.

Bonesy: "Will you excuse us for a second?"

Bonesy, Kerbin, Memez and Celtic walked a couple hundred feet into the darkness, before talking.

Bonesy: "So, seeing as how i don't know how to play that wretched game,anyone else know how?"

Memez: "I can't fuckin' play CoD for shit."

Celtic: "I have a sword, not a gun."

Kerbin: "I just shoot things with a real gun. Now if this was a real life game of CoD..."

Alex: "Excellent idea!"

Bonesy turned around.

Bonesy: "HOW THE HELL CAN YOU HEAR US?!?"

Alex teleported in front of them.

Alex: "I AM a god, after all. This anthropomorphic kangaroo had a great idea, something my advanced intelligence should've picked up."

The squad glared at Kerbin.

Kerbin: "WHAT? I didn't think he could hear me."

Alex clapped his hands together, and a small catwalk appeared before them. Bad club music blared from unseen speakers.

Bonesy: "(Whispering) Memez, what the hell is going on?"

Alex: "May I introduce your opponents?"

Alex waved his fat, stubby hand over the catwalk, and six figures appeared. Their features were obscured by darkness.

Alex: "Princess Callie!"

Alex waved his hand, and a light shone on a figure in what seemed to be a metal ballgown. Callie looked around, confused.

Callie: "Where the hell am I?"

Bonesy: "In some kind of alternate dimension made by a fat neckbeard."

Alex: "I'M NOT FAT! Just...fluffy."

Alex waved his hand again, and a bulky, heavily muscled white guy with a grape for a head was bathed in white light.

Alex: "Fatal Disease!"

Fatal: "How are you and such?"

Alex waved his hand to reveal the next figure, which was another heavily muscled man, yet this one had the head of a lion.

Alex: "Simba!"

Simba: "I'm not even going to question this."

Alex waved his hands yet again, and a spotlight reflected brilliantly on the surface of a knight. Her armor shone brightly, like a miniature sun. A Star of David was emblazoned on her breastplate. She hefted a long steel claymore in one hand, and a large kite shield in the other.

Alex: "Shining-Armor!"

Memez: "Well we know that, what's her name?"

Alex: "Her name is Shining-Armor. You look beautiful today, Ms. Shining."

Shining: "Awww, so sweet! We could be best friends!"

Kerbin let out a low snicker, before howling,

Kerbin: "FRIENDZONED!!!"

Alexander looked at the anthropomorphic kangaroo in anger. He flicked his wrist towards him, and Kerbin flew back as though he was struck.When the squad got to him, they saw he no longer had a mouth.

Kerbin: "(Muffled Angry Kangaroo Noises)"

Bonesy: "So,you were saying?"

Alex didn't wave his hands this time, his hands simply flicked towards the next figure and revealed a simple teenage boy. He wore a simple dark red hoodie, and only had a pistol.

Alex: "Mr. Chris Rocks."

Chris: "Fuck you."

Alex: "And our final contender..."

Alex waved his hand again, but this light shivered and flickered as if it had a broken bulb. A teenage girl in a half-mask of Tragedy stood under it with a bloody butcher's knife. Her face wasn't visible, but the squad felt as though that was for the best. Alex gulped, his throat suddenly dry.

Alex: "Maulle Breezy."

Maulle cocked her head towards Alex, and he visibly began to shake.

Maulle: "I will grab your face, stare into your eyes, and laugh as I gouge them out. I will burn them after placing them back inside your skull, before I rip you limb from limb. Then i will drink your blood, and laugh again."

In his head, Kerbin thought, "Wow, there's so much edge it might cut me a new mouth." He laughed internally at his clever joke.

Celtic: "Wait, wait wait. We're outnumbered by two people."

Alex: "Oh yes, i forgot about that...Ummm, here."

Two figures fell down from some unseen tear in this dimension,and scrambled up. One was a man of obvious french origin, judging by the fact that he had Frenchball as a head. The other was a floating pixie-esque creature resembling a Pokemon, Uxie.

Memez: "Is this all? They get knights and bulky-ass white guys with weird heads, but we get a Frenchball and a Pokemon?"

Skepolo: "Why am I even here? I was making le dank maymays XDDDDDDDD."

Uxie: "Why are YOU here? Why am I here?? I was just editing like I do and then BAM, I'm here."

Alex: "Well, seeing as this kangaroo gave me this idea, he gets to choose the version of CoD we will play."

Kerbin pointed towards his non-existant mouth.

Alex: "Oh yes, i nearly forgot."

Alex tapped the area where Kerbin's mouth was with his finger, and in a flash of oddly purple light his mouth returned.Kerbin flexed his jaw.

Alex: "You have three choices. Call of Duty 4, Call of Duty Black Ops 2, and Call of Duty Ghosts."

Kerbin: "Can I choose none of them?"

Alex glared at Kerbin and raised his hand again.

Kerbin: "NEVERMIND NEVERMIND!!! Ummmm...Ghosts?"

Bonesy: "We aren't gonna have a fun time, are we?"

Memez: "The Mind says no."

Alex giggled, than his phone rang. He pulled it up to his ear.

Alex: "Neckbeard God here, who is this?....Yes....Okay...But I JUST cleaned it!...Ok...Love you too...Bye. I gotta go clean the bathroom guys, take this time to build your classes."

Alex walked up a flight of nearly invisible stairs before opening a door. He closed the door, and the two teams were faced with CoD Ghosts' Class Menu. (Teams henceforth known as Team TPW and The Polar Stars)

Celtic: "Who's gonna make the classes? I can't, I hate statistics."

Bonesy: "I will, I've watched people make classes."

Memez: "So you've played this before?"

Bonesy: "No, my cousin likes to make me watch him play CoD."

Bonesy got to work on making everyone's classes, as the rest of TeamTP got to work on playing mind games with The Polar Stars. They yelled their brilliant and well thought out insults across the blackness.

Celtic: "HEY YOU, GRAPE GUY! I FUCKED YOUR MOM!"

Fatal: "I'M AN ORPHAN!"

Celtic: "WELL THEN IT'S NICE TOO MEET YOU,SON!"

Skepolo: "Can I do anything Bonesy?"

Bonesy: "You can banter the other team."

Uxie: "What about me?"

Bonesy: "Ummmm...Practice floating away from bullets?"

Uxie: "Okay."

And so for about five hours the two teams bantered until they just couldn't banter no more.

Celtic: "(Running out of ideas) AND THEN SHE.....SUCKED...MY DICK!"

Bonesy: "Done."

Chris: "Done."

Celtic: "So what do each of us do?"

Bonesy: "Here's list."

Memez: Fast, uses SMGs, brings Ammo Cans and Ballistic Vests.

Kerbin: Slow,Uses Light Machine Guns,Has various explosives and grenade launchers.

Celtic: Normal speed, uses assault rifles, can steal killstreaks, has a Guard Dog and a Turret.

Bonesy: Slow, uses Sniper Rifles, has a lot of ammo and can set down turrets.

Skepolo: Fast, uses Shotguns, can take a blast from a grenade and live.

Uxie: Fast, uses grenades, can fly.

Bonesy: "Anyone have any questions?"

Celtic: "Do you have a plan to go with those setups?"

Bonesy: "...No. I was kinda focused on making these setups good."

Memez: "So we're screwed?"

Bonesy: "No, we can survive."

The door above them all opened again, and an very miserable Alexander walked down the steps.

Alex: "Is everyone done?"

Bonesy: "Yes, but one question."

Alex: "Go on."

Bonesy: "Do you honestly still live with your mother?"

Alexander scratched at his neckbeard.

Alex: "NO! That was my...GIRLFRIEND! Yes, my girlfriend!"

Celtic: "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

Alex: "Let's just get this started."

Alexander clapped his hands together, and in a flash of purple light they were on a CoD map (Prison Break, to be specific). A countdown began.

3

2

1

The game started. Team TP spawned near the large building in the middle of the map, so Bonesy and Memez went up it. Celtic and Skepolo took the road to the right of the building, and Kerbin and Uxie took the road behind the building Bonesy and Memez were at. Bonesy had set up his sniper rifle at the top of the building, and Memez was prone beside him.Bonesy heard a high-pitched whistle.

Bonesy: "What is that sou..."

Bonesy didn't complete his sentence. Throwing knives buried into your skull will do that some times. Three seconds later another two knives flew through the air, narrowly missing Memez. Bonesy respawned.

Bonesy: "ALRIGHT, I CALL COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT!!"

Memez: "Are you nearby? I can hear you..."

Bonesy: "I guess we can talk from far away. I'm heading back,hold down the fort."

Skepolo and Celtic walked towards the lumberjack camp.They were on the bridge when Skepolo got headshotted. Celtic dolphin dived for cover under the bridge.

Celtic: "HELP PL0X!!"

But the grenade right beside him wasn't going to help him. Celtic respawned. Kerbin was the first one to actually get a kill. He shot Fatal as his back was turned, and almost killed Maulle but she hit him with a throwing knife. Uxie floated sneakily beside her, and dropped a grenade. Uxie got shot out of the air by Shining. The grenade blew up Shining and Maulle. Bonesy made it back to the building.

Bonesy: "Well shit, there's gonna be so many paragraphs I'm not gonna have time for speech."

Memez: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Bonesy: "Nevermind."

Bonesy set up his sniper again, and this time he wasn't instantly killed by some bullshit cross-map throwing knife. Memez shot Simba as he tried to shoot Bonesy from a nearby ridge.

Simba: "STOP CAMPING YOU CUCKS!"

Bonesy: "IT'S A LEGITIMATE STRATEGY."

Bonesy got another kill on Fatal, and almost one on Shining. But Bonesy didn't see Chris in the concrete tubes just below him. That rocket launcher didn't look to friendly. Memez and Bonesy respawned.

Bonesy: "Fucking h4x, I say!"

Memez: "And now we're on the other side of the map. Great."

Skepolo got a shot off at Maulle, but Chris shot him from the bulding Memez and Bonesy were at. Celtic killed Shining as she rounded a corner, and tossed a grenade at Chris's hiding spot. Chris didn't see it until it was too late.

Bonesy: "This is going to be extremely confusing to anyone who has never played a shooter."

Memez: "WHY ARE YOU TALKING!??!?! SHOOT STUFF!!!"

But they didn't get that chance. A siren rang out, and a voice yelled on the radio "TACTICAL NUKE INCOMING!!".

Kerbin: "That's bullshi.."

Boom.

The Polar Stars rejoiced in their victory, and Team TPW grumbled in the corner. They returned to the unfinished Plains of Euphoria.

Celtic: "The tactical nuke wasn't even in Ghosts, how the hell did they get it?!?"

Bonesy: "I blame Alex."

Alex appeared, rubbing his hands together as if he'd just made something.

Alex: "Well, I think we need to take a break. I've made a gourmet meal and completed a part of the Plains of Euphoria for a little picnic."

Alex wiggled his hands in a vague semicircle and everyone appeared in a beautiful plains. As far as the eye could see rolling green hills made the landscape, and a perfectly clear blue sky met with the ground in the distance. A gigantic tree sat beside a long clear lake, a small picnic blanket set beside it.

Memez: "This is actually very nice."

The Polar Stars and Team TPW sat on opposite sides of the large tree. They could still see each other, but they were just far enough that they would be discouraged from attempting to rip eachothers throats out. Team TPW looked into the picnic basket.

Celtic: "Umm, "gourmet'?"

Inside the box was six ham sandwiches and six small bags of Doritos. Five Mountain Dews were stuffed in there as well. (You were expecting a 666 joke, weren't you?)

Uxie: "Aww, they didn't even give us enough drinks."

Kerbin: "I bet the Polar Stars meal sucks just as bad."

Team TPW looked over at The Polar Stars meal. It was a fine 4 course meal of roast venison, a side of lamb garnished with cooked sage and lemon peel, a fine red velvet cake, and a wine of excellent vintage. (1400, to be precise)

Bonesy: "I call bullshit."

Skepolo: "What should we do for the drinks?"

Kerbin: "Rock Paper Scissors?"

Bonesy: "Okay."

After the most INTENSE match of Rock Paper Scissors EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE, Kerbin lost.

Kerbin: "(mumbling) Bunch of bullshit..."

Team TPW ate silently, looking over the picturesque landscape. A small squirrel landed on Maulle's arm, and she held her hand out for it to sit in.

Bonesy: "Awww. Maybe they aren't as bad as we thou...HOLY FUCKING SHIT."

Maulle had grabbed the head of the squirrel and bitten it clean off. It's body went limp as it died. She drained the blood into her wine glass. The squad heard the sounds of feet running, and turned to see Skepolo running off into the distance. Alexander sat and watched him go.

Skepolo: "LE FUNNY RUNNING FRENCHMAN MEME XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD."

Bonesy: "Aren't you gonna do something?"

Alex: "My pet has been quite hungry as of late,maybe i should give him a snack..."

Skepolo neared the lake, almost to the edge of the horizon, when a long bright red tentacle burst from thewater and snapped him in half, dragging him to the bottom. A collective "HOLY SHIT" rang out across the field.

Memez: "Hate to point out the obvious, but now we're down a person and the teams are uneven."

Alex: "I have that covered, I believe."

Alex took a small vial filled with HAIPUR REALASTUK BLOOODS!!!!11!!! and drew a pentagram on the grass. He mumbled many words that everyone in attendance couldn't understand and a flaming hole opened up in the ground. And from that hole crawled the demon known as...

Burning: "I'm only PART demon, you know."

Celtic: "Who the hell are you talking to?"

Burning: "The narrator."

Memez: "The who?"

Burning looked around and realized that no-one else could hear that voice she heard. Maybe she was going insane. Maybe she already was insane. Maybe she forgot her Hot Pockets in the microwave.

'Burning: "There was no damn Hot Pockets and you know it!"

Bonesy: "(to Memez) Great, now we have a psychotic demon as a teammate."

Alex: "Well, I think we've had a long enough break. Time for game 2."

Kerbin: "But I'm not finished with my sandwich."

Alex: "Well then fuck you."

Alex flapped his arms about like a Jew in an oven, and they were back at the darkness they had grown accustomed to. BurningTorrent considered singing "Hello Darkness, My Old Friend".

Burning: "No I didn't."

Bonesy: "Again, nobody said anything."

Burning felt searing rage towards the narrator of this story. Alex clapped his hands together to get the attention of everyone.

Alex: "You may like to know that we will not be playing CoD again today."

Team TPW breathed a sigh of relief.

Alex: "We will instead be playing a text adventure game of my making."

Memez: "Well fuck."

Bonesy:" Don't worry, unlike CoD I have some experience in this genre."

Above them all, Spoooky rolled her eyes.

Bonesy: "Oh shove it, if you'd just join in you'd like it."

Alex: "Okay, let's start!"

Alex flapped his arms about like a madman trying to signal a passing car, and they were brought into a lush redwood forest. Alex's voice boomed throughout the trees, but it's source was hidden. Kerbin and Celtic were dressed in mail armor, with the former possesing a large crossbow. Memez was in close fitting leather armor, his staff at the ready. Uxie had a small wand in her hand, and a very tiny hat on her little head. Burning was decked fully in OP Daedric Bloodmaster Armor while wielding a Godsword Of Deimos.

Burning: "All i have is some leather armor and a red dagger."

And Bonesy was dressed in a female mages robes, a wand in his hand.

Bonesy: "This is SOOOOO fucking bullshit."

Burning:" Aww, I wish I had my phone so I could share this beauty with everyone."

The booming, slightly lispy voice of Alexander boomed through the woods.

Alex: "You are adventurers searching for a wise and powerful and very handsome sage! His name is Schmalexander Schmartwright the Schmird. He is beyond these woods."

Uxie: "Cute little self-insert you got going there."

Team TPW walked along the forest path until they came to a crossroads. Three paths opened themselves. One was covered overhead by tall weeping willows, another was paved with a bronze-ish stone, and the last lead to a cave.

Bonesy: "I kinda like the willow path."

Kerbin: "But that cave looks interesting..."

Burning: "Let's go down that bronze path."

Without awaiting the approval of others, Burning strode towards the bronze path. It's a good thing she's half demon, because the bronze path erupted into flames. She strode back out, covered in soot. She put the Burning back in BurningTorrent.

Burning: "That was a bad joke and you know it."

Celtic: "Nobody made a joke, Burning."

Bonesy: "Let's just go down the willow path, it looks nice."

Kerbin brashly strode into the cave, dissapearing from sight for a minute. Team TPW then heard a loud scream, and the twanging of a bowstring. Kerbin ran out a couple seconds afterwards.

Kerbin: "So that cave has bears."

Bonesy walked towards the willow path. It took about half an hour but the path opened up into a large plantation homestead.

Celtic: "Hey Bonesy, looks like your house!"

Bonesy: "First, my house looks nothing like that, and second, that's racist."

Memez: "How is it racist?"

Bonesy: "It just is."

Team TPW neared the building. A large white sign held the words "SHMALEXANDER SHMARTWRIGHT THE SCHMIRDS HOME!" written in bright orange lettering.

Burning: "Here already? We didn't even get to test out our cool weapons."

Kerbin: "You guys didn't, I did."

Bonesy walked up to the door, confident that they had gotten to Alexa- Oh, excuse me- Schmalexander's home before the Polar Stars. He opened up the door to reveal the Polar Stars playing a game of Jenga with Alexander. Team TPW's original clothes returned.

Alex: "You took your sweet time!"

Memez: "This is complete and utter fuckin' bullshit!"

Alex sat up, casually pushing the wooden tower down. The chairs holding Midna, Ryuko and Spooky disappeared, leaving those three to fall beside the squad.

Alex: "You see, I needed entertainment for the day. You provided that excellently, but now I'm afraid you've outlived your usefulness."

Memez: "Wait, are you gonna kill us?"

Alex: "I was planning on it, yes."

Bonesy: "WAIT! Before you do, let me ask you three questions."

Alex pondered the request for a moment, before nodding his head.

Bonesy: "First, why do you prefer those jagoffs more than us?"

Alex: "That's quite simple. I created them. The perfect neckbeard demigods."

Bonesy: "So we were screwed anyway?"

Alex warmed up the energies in his hand, readying them to kill these insolent pigs.

Alex: "Yes. I would never let ANY harm come to my darling children."

Bonesy paused for a moment, searching for something in his head. A lightbulb went off in his head.

Bonesy: "Last question. If you're the embodiment of neckbeardness, and a trope of neckbeards is atheism, then why do you exist?"

Alex looked dead ahead. The squad heard enormous ripping sounds as the very fabric of reality tore around them. A rift opened up beneath the Polar Stars, sending them to blissful nonexistence.

Alex: "YOU PIECES OF INHUMAN SHIT!! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!?!??! I MAY NOT HAVE THE POWER TO KILL YOU, BUT I CAN DO SOMETHING MUCH FUCKING WORSE!!"

Alexander formed a large ball of energy in his hands, although this energy was a pure red. He fired it at the feet of the squad, and just before they too fell into nonexistence it teleported them to another dimension.

The squad looked at the area surrounding them. It was covered in fire, and magma rivers flowed throughout the charred, red landscape.

Memez: "Where are we?"

Just as Memez said that, creatures burrowed out of the ground beneath them. They were tall, thin red creatures with bright yellow eyes and black horns. They scurried towards the squad. The squad tried fighting them off, but they just kept coming from every direction. Just as hope seemed lost, a bright green flash appeared before them, burning the Satanspawn away in it's holy light. When the light cleared, two wings were visible. Two very dank wings...

Maulle, despite having fallen into the same nonexistence as the rest of her comrades, was not thrown into a blissfull oblivion. Instead, Alexander, using the very last dregs of his powers, teleported her to a random planet. She waded through a swampy marshlands, angered. She grabbed a squirrel off of a nearby tree, ripping it's legs off and drinking it's blood. She heard two voices speak in the distance.

???: "That fuckin' faggot! I can't BELIEVE that little faggot dropped us off here with that THING. Good thing those batteries didn't last, right Faggot Mabel?"

???: "I told you...NEVER CALL ME FAGGOT AGAIN OR I WILL RIP YOUR DICK OFF AND FUCKING FORCEFEED IT TO YOU WHILE YOUR ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY WATCHES!"

Maulle cracked a slight smile. These people, she could work with. She heard a roar in the distance, but strode towards both the roar and the two individuals.

???: "Umm, lady faggot! DON'T GO THERE!"

Maulle turned to them and said calmly.

Maulle: "Shut the fuck up before I murder you both in your sleep."

A large green figure walked towards Maulle, intent on either eating or having hot shrexxx with her.

Shrek: "WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' IN MAH SWAMP?!?"

Shrek's powerful ogre hand wrapped around Maulle's arm, but Maulle didn't flinch. She instead grabbed the ogre's forehead and dug her nails in. The ogres face turned to a look of sheer dread as she drained him of all the power he had ever accrued, leaving behind a rotted husk. Maulle turned to the two figures, placing her hands on their heads as well. She instead gave power to these two, returning them to their original, powerful forms.

Marcus: "Who are you?"

Maulle removed her half mask of Tragedy, to reveal razor blades going along her face like scales. Her eyes flashed red.

Maulle: "Your new boss."

TO BE CONTINUED...