Desert Space

The Commander tell The Christophers a story of what may or may not have happened to him and Space Tree when they crashed on a supposedly deserted planet. Guest-starring McBean as a mystery character (Cactus).

## Transcript

*(open to the Captains Club)*

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** What can we get for you today, sir?

**COMMANDER:** Uh, one beer for me, and one for the lady! *(holds up Lamp)*

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** Lady?

**CHRISTOPHER 2:** It looks like a lamp.

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** Yes, it is a lamp.

**COMMANDER:** Well, it's a *female* lamp, come on. What- *(tosses lamp away)* Ugh, just gimme one drink then.

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** Are you even a space captain?

**COMMANDER:** No, but I'm a *Commander*. That's like a higher rank than Captain, anyway.

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** *(breaks wine glass on table)* WHAT?! That's it! Get out!

**COMMANDER:** Wait a minute, the sign said this place was open to everyone.

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** Oh, right, I forgot.

**CHRISTOPHER 2:** We put that sign up.

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** Yes, I know. Well, we're still not giving you a drink... Mr. Teenager.

**COMMANDER:** Oh, come on, man. I had a hard day... at the office.

**CHRISTOPHER 2:** Really? What happened?

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** Shut up, Chris. I don't want to hear his story.

**COMMANDER:** Well, how bout this. I tell you what happened, and then you decide, if my story's good enough, to give me a drink or not.

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** Whatever. Just get on with it.

**COMMANDER:** Well, it went a little something... like this.

*(nothing happens)*

**COMMANDER:** I mean... like this.

*(roll opening credits)*

*(cut to flashback mode (everything in the Commander's story is re-told in badly-drawn form); cut to Space Tree's ship flying/loop-de-looping through space)*

**COMMANDER:** *(voiceover)* It all started when we were flying around one day. Or, maybe, it was night. I guess it doesn't really matter, because... we're in space. But, as usual, Space Tree thought he ran the whole system just because it was *his* spaceship.

*(cut to inside the Ship; Commander is at a panel)*

**COMMANDER:** Communicator check. One-two. One-two.

**SPACE TREE:** What are you doing in here?! This is *MY* ship, for I am Space Tree!

**COMMANDER:** Well, gee whiz, Space Tree. You better watch out for that asteroid!

*(we see an asteroid floating towards the ship)*

**SPACE TREE:** You don't tell *me* what to watch out for. I tell *YOU* what to watch out for. For... For I... am Space Tree, the god-damn space tree.

**COMMANDER:** OK.

**COMMANDER:** *(voiceover)* And so we hit the asteroid and crashed into some planet.

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** *(voiceover)* Yes, we can see, you know.

**COMMANDER:** Oh, right, well, here's what happened next.

*(cut to the ship, crashed into a desert planet; Space Tree and the Commander are outside)*

**SPACE TREE:** Damnit, the keys to the ship fell out the window when we crashed.

**COMMANDER:** Well, gee whiz, Space Tree. We better go find them.

**SPACE TREE:** *(throughout the conversation, the Mirage shows up and watches them talk)* I have a better plan. We construct a time machine out of parts we find lying around on this planet, then we travel backwards in time to stop our past selves from losing the keys, which was your fault, by the way.

**COMMANDER:** Construct it from what? This place is like a desert! And look, I found the keys anyway, so let's just-

*(he picks the keys up, but Space Tree kicks them out of his hand)*

**SPACE TREE:** Get those outta here! Now, first, what we're gonna need is a flux capacitor, because that's the-

**MIRAGE:** Bow down before me! For I am... the Mirage! *(laughs)*

*(he picks Space Tree up)*

**SPACE TREE:** Hey, hey, what the hell are you doin'?

**MIRAGE:** I'm gonna plant you in the ground into you grow into a SUPER Space Tree! *(laughs)*

**SPACE TREE:** What? That's retarded!

**MIRAGE:** It sure is! *(laughs)*

'*(he walks away with Space Tree)*

**SPACE TREE:** Aaa... Save me, Commander!

**COMMANDER:** Don't worry, Space Tree! The Commander is on the case!

*(cut back to the Captain's club)*

**COMMANDER:** And so, I left him there to be planted into the ground. The end.

**CHRISTOPHER 2:** Oh, bravo, Commander.

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** What? If you think you're getting a drink out of *that*, you are greatly mistaken, my good son-of-a-bitch.

**COMMANDER:** Well, what if I give you this lamp?

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** Deal.

**LAMP:** I never loved you anyway!

*(Commander gives the Christophers the lamp, and they give him a beer)*

**CHRISTOPHER 2:** So, Commander, is that story true?

**COMMANDER:** Well, aside from a few dialogue changes... no. Well, one part of it is.

*(cut back to the desert planet, present day; Space Tree is planted in the ground)*

**SPACE TREE:** *(sighs)* I hate that blonde-haired kid.

*(pan to the right to reveal Cactus from Robotbox & Cactus next to him)*

**CACTUS:** Do you wanna be my friend? Because that would be awesome! Because friends, well, friends get to have lots of benefits with one another. You know, like, friends with benefits! *(pause)* Hey-

**SPACE TREE:** NO!!!

*(roll end credits)*

## Fun Facts

* First episode with a cold opening.
* McBean guest-stars as Cactus.
* This is the second time we have seen the cartoon-drawn ST, Commander & Ship. The first was Space Plans.
* This marks the first story arc.

## Easter Eggs

* At the end click on the hidden cactus to hear Cactus talking to Space Tree.

**Cactus:** Oh, n- of course I'm not-... I... wha... no, I'm not *gay*, but you know, it gets so lonely in the desert sometimes and... you know, I... (whispers) I want you inside me.