LEGO Batman Bournville Copy

When you get a Bournville Chocolate Bar, you need to first ask yourself have you earned it. My name is Mon Turgundy, and I love me a Bournville, but I haven't been able to eat one for such a long time because the last time I got my hands on one it was snatched up by the dumbest looking bird you ever did see. I certainly had earned that bar, and gave the pongy chocolate bar a right good sniff before I ate it. I even asked myself if I had done enough to earn it, and you bet your sweet walnut whip I did! I guess however I must not have been completely ready as the bar was snatched right out from my hands by an incredibly stupid looking bird. I couldn't do anything to remedy the situation as the bird was the son of an eagle who knows more about car insurance than any other eagle. Feeling peckish after the loss of my beloved Bournville chocolate bar, I walked down the road for awhile until I came across a local Subway knock off called Sub For A Tub where all the seats in the restaurant weren't chairs, but plastic bathtubs that smell really bad and have lots of rust inside. Too much rust if I may say so myself! I got very agitated quickly as all news reporters do when I saw an incredibly long line. When I got finally got up to the front desk, an incredibly fat man with a mighty moustache cut in front me. "Hey man I was standing there!" I complained, but the man got extra close to the cashier as he said, "this is only gonna take a momento." He proceeded to start dancing right in the middle of the store like no one was watching, and he was so fat that the ground made a big bombastic sound whenever he danced. Angered by this, the cashier had to go and deal with the man while I was left without a sub. In my younger days as a field reporter, I had often done reports on the local Russian Mafia who were now my homies, and I considered asking them to do a hit on the cashier who had so callously neglected me but I decided to ignore it as the cashier has it bad anyway. Poor ole Spanish Danish is always getting mocked at work by members of the local Wall Street because he works at a sandwich shop, and sandwiches shops are no good. One day, he'll get his own story on BBC and it will be called The Danish Expression and will feature Ted Danson as Spanish Danish's father who sits on a rocking chair and just says, "oh my oh dear," over and over again in an incredibly nasty British accent.

Sandwichless, I decided to leave the restaurant but upon reaching the exit I saw a man standing there with a cigarette in his mouth and he was holding a copy of LEGO Batman The Video Game for the PlayStation 2. I love LEGO Batman The Video Game, and in my humble opinion it is the best LEGO game ever made. I know that most people would say LEGO Star Wars The Complete Saga is the best, but this is my opinion! Side note; one time while interviewing a sweet old lady at a retirement home she turned to me and asked with an incredibly grim expression on her face, "do you like a saga?" Anyways, in present day, I asked the man about the game and he got very angry and responded by flicking his cigarette right in my eye. "You really shouldn't be smoking in here dear boy." I said as I then proceeded to stick my microphone right in the man's face as I was hoping he could give a big scoop. Ha ha! "If you really are interested." The man began as he held up a small brown envelope as he then continued with, "this here contains a document which explains all of the things that changed during the development of LEGO Batman. You see when the game first entered production; it was going to be very different. Very different indeed." According to the man who introduced himself as Frank Normalman, Traveller's Tales who produced all of the LEGO games originally intended for LEGO Batman to be a lot more darker and also a lot longer as there were plans originally for there to be another story. You see; the game has three chapters The Riddler's Revenge, Power Crazed Penguin, and The Joker's Return but according to Frank there was another story called Egghead's Paradise. I rubbed my chin sceptically as I then began twiddling my moustache. Normalman God bless him he could sense my concerns, and decided to hand me the envelope containing all of the details regarding the early version of the game. "Who knows maybe this could get you the anchor job." Normalman joked after I took the envelope into my hand. "How did you know I wanted to be anchor?" I asked confused which caused Normalman to smile an incredibly cheesy smile. It was meant to be friendly I think, but it gave off a very sinister vibe. The guy already looked a bit odd he was dressed like a gangster and he smoked indoors when there were young families present and even members of the Atlantic Corporation, and they'll do anything for prime real estate I tell you what.

I took the dossier with me to my rundown apartment where I boarded with a family of Welsh backpackers who were obsessed with three fried egg rolls a little like breakfast if you catch my moustache. Upon walking towards my apartment room, I sat down on my chair which was shaped like a chair, and also my entire apartment was in a mess of Bournville wrappers. I sniffed my fingers, as I then proceeded to unravel the envelope and I looked inside it, and the contents oh man they were certainly contents if that helps. I lit myself a cigarette, as I then decided to call up my partner in the news field Jeremiah British in order to ask if he would help me sell the story of the alternate version of LEGO Batman to the network, but much to my dismay there was no answer. I put it out of my mind, and decided to send him a smoke signal instead. I put a gas mask on after doing so because I didn't realise that smoke wasn't exactly something you wanted floating about in your apartment. Jeremiah would come to the apartment as soon as he heard the news, but he was probably interviewing men with bowling balls for heads about why they are attempting such a hostile takeover of Sainsburys, while not doing anything about their rat faced son who is giving laxatives to the seagulls. So; now my little Bournville chocolate bar; it is time for me to tell you all about what happens in this alternate version of the game. Strap yourselves in, and get yourself a bunny or something. I bet you got a bunny under your hat, but anyways, according to the dossier very early on when the game was first greenlit Traveller's Tales intended for the game to be a lot more meaty in it's contents. Here is what changed between the original version of the game and the one we ended up getting.

So as stated earlier; originally a fourth story entitled Egghead's Paradise was going to appear in the game, and was it all about Egghead building his very own amusement park in Gotham City and he had hired an army of genetically modified eggs to help him with building it. The eggs were very skittish as they were filled with Skittles as they happen to be Egghead's favourite snack. The eggs were building up the theme park which Egghead had decided to dub Eggciting Eggscapades. Batman and Robin both took an issue with Egghead using the eggs to build the park, as according to Batman who pointed at a big ole chart that appeared out of nowhere; Egghead was clearly stepping on the rules of the eggs equal rights act that was established circa 1933. Batman was sure that the eggs were being brainwashed. Egghead was by far the most dangerous antagonist in the game even more than even The Joker, as unlike The Joker, Egghead was a proper threat as whenever Batman challenged him Egg boy would rub his eggy head up and down which caused a horrifying sound to enter Batman's eat lobe and he would fall on the floor in pain as a massive worm came out from the ear. The dossier described this part in particular as being an incredibly brutal scene. According to the dossier, Batman would be incapacitated for the entire level, only Robin being playable as he was unaffected by Egghead's soundwaves because he was wearing a special pair of headphones that he would then have to wear throughout the remainder of the chapter. With Batman out of commission; in his absence, a bounty hunter named Sean Le Hunt would accompany Rayman and he would ride on a horse, and whenever he rode on the horse stereotypical western music would play in the background. Someone at Traveller's Tales was reportedly a very big western fan, and they would wear a cowboy outfit to work all the time which made all the other employees deeply embarrassed but they didn't say anything and that's kind of commendable I suppose. Though not really, as they only stayed buttoned up because that cowboy dressed employee owned the deeds to the place. Anyways, Robin hires Le Hunt to get the DISGUSTING worm out from Batman's head, and I should mention that the dossier wastes no time in describing the worm in detail as a horrifying thing that looked straight out of a horror movie, and would have gotten the game pulled from shelves for sure.

Now, Le Hunt was an expert fisherman with his favourite book being Fly Fishing by JR Hartley, and as a result of this he decided that he was going to use his custom made fishing hook to get the worm right out from Batman's ear despite protests from Robin who feared that pulling the worm out might cause an issue later in life or something which seems oddly serious for someone like Robin to suggest I must say. Although it would appear that Le Hunt's claims of being an expert fisherman were shall we say greatly exaggerated. Eventually however, Le Hunt was able to get the worm out from Batman's ear and the worm then proceeded to go inside Le Hunt's mouth, but he didn't really seem to be all that bothered by it as he turned to face the screen with an impassive looking face as if to say; "well you know what they say early man catches the early worm." I don't think that you're correct about that Mr Hunt. Anyways, after finally being cured Batman and Robin head on over to Eggcellent Eggsacapades which was ironically shaped like a massive egg with a bowtie, and inside the penthouse suite located at the very top of the giant egg there was Egghead who was shocked to see that Batman was no longer affected by the worm. He tried to explain his failure via sign language as this game came out before the LEGO series had talking in their games, and he was explaining this to an off screen character. Then a big twist happened that would probably rival Oliver Twist, and what happened I hear you not asking well let me tell you my friends the off screen enemy revealed himself to be a rooster named Rooster. Wow how original Traveller's Tales! Anyways, Rooster was indeed... a rooster hehe and he was the real brains behind the scheme with Egghead being nothing more than a pawn in a big scheme. Rooster proceeded to brutally kill Egghead by drilling his eyes out with his beak and his beak worked like an actual drill, and this would come in handy for free roaming sections where you needed a drill to access. These drill required sections were completely removed from the final game and replaced with The Riddler ones. Only two characters were available to be used for these drill sections, one of those of course being Rooster, while the other was a rejected member of the Village People and he was a proper construction of a construction worker. What? Anyways, after Egghead was killed, Rooster explained by pressing a red button his desk that he intended to turn Gotham City into a big ole KFC knock off called Rooster Bites. Against Batman's wishes, Robin charged towards Rooster who shot red lasers out from his eyes at Robin which managed to temporally stun him.

When Robin came back to reality, he felt odd. His eyes would turn into chicken nuggets, as he then began craving a chicken and it was then shown that from his imagination he pictured Batman as a giant chicken leg, and he proceeded to chase Batman around the area. Until Batman finally had enough. He grabbed a hold of Robin's head before forcing him to look back at Rooster. Batman was probably thinking in that moment, "what the heck are you doing chasing me when there's a literal fucking talking chicken right behind you!" Robin turned to start chasing Rooster who much like Le Hunt earlier didn't really seem all that bothered, and just looked a bit puzzled. The kind of puzzled you get when you realise you forgot to put the memory card in, and all your progress is now as dead as the dodo. Robin proceeded to brutally kill Rooster, The chapter ended with Batman and Robin eating rooster flavoured chicken nuggets on top of Wayne Manor. However, the game didn't end there, if you were able to get all the collectables in the game like some kind of Jared, you would get a special bonus cutscene which featured Alfred in the Bat Cave. Alfred smiled at the screen sinisterly as he decided that he was going to get in on the fun and teach Batman a lesson. Throughout the game; when you're in the Bat Cave Alfred roams around all the time holding a plate carrying nothing but thin air. One of my favourite things to do in the game was to kill Alfred because he always respawned after being killed and he made a weird noise when he died like, "oh." I guess Alfred would have been aware in this early version that people had been killing him all the damn time, as he then proceeded to dawn a red cape and thick purple opera gloves, and from behind him emerged a sinister foe and the foe was... oh. You're probably expecting an epic Batman villain to appear, but it was just some random Samari guy who didn't even belong in the Batman series. He pulled out his sword and declared, "aah," but it was more LEGO sounding in the game if you catch my drift. One of the employees at Traveller's Tales really hated Alfred and how condescending he was by pressuring Batman into taking sandwiches with him on missions, and they wanted to shock the player by revealing that Alfred would be the villain for the next game. Everyone at Traveller's Tales hated that idea, and that employee was promptly sent to work in communications, but he doesn't even know how to use a fucking telephone as he only communicated via letters. Poor bastard. Higher ups at Traveller's Tales objected to how dark the chapter was, and they decided to not just alter it but to cut the chapter out entirely. It is also mentioned that the developers believed the game was big enough as it was, and they didn't need to overcomplete the story.

The Egghead story was also odd in the sense that while the other levels incorporate ensembles of rogues from Batman's past such as Two Face, Poison Ivy, Killer Croc, Harley Quin, and Scarecrow. This chapter had Egghead obviously and it also had Condiment Man a D list villain who got a small role in the LEGO Batman Movie AKA the best movie ever made. Fight me Kath! Sorry about that, the other villains present in this section were just wrong. There was some random dude on a horse and no it wasn't Le Hunt from earlier but there was also a huge fucking rat that you would of fought in some kind of sewer level, even though the game already had a sewer level with Killer Croc but whatever the more the merrier am I right? Also, there was also a level which took place in Moscow and was against Evil Russian Mario at his castle. Evil Russian Mario was a friend of British actor Colin Baker who told ERM that every man is the protagonist of his story, and so ERM had been fooled into believing that he was the main villain of this chapter. Egghead and by extension Rooster wanted to take control of Rooster and earn it into the egg capital of the world, but he tried to get them out of the country by giving them a big bag of chocolate coins that not even Poppa Smurf could spurn with contempt. However, Egghead was able to turn the tables very quickly and he put Evil Russian Mario in his place, and poor ole ERM was then forced to try and kill Batman. Even though, ERM actually had a massive respect for Batman, and was disgusted when one of his mooks tried to frisk Batman before he entered the castle. Evil Russian Mario's fight was by far the easiest to complete in the game as he only had three hearts, and he would be a big ole scaredy duck and he would flee like a bee by escaping in an escape pod leaving his fate up in the air. Well at least it did, until they changed it as Horst would say. There are five levels in a chapter, and the penultimate level of the chapter would have been highly ambitious for the game and would have been set in an underground sub section of Gotham City which was made entirely out of instruments, and the villain was a starving artist type dude who tries to teach Robin how to play a guitar. However, Batman hated the guitar as guitar was so cliché to him back then for some odd ass reason, you know what screw you Batman. Anyways, Batman proceeded to stuff the artist with a bunch of eclairs which were the only weakness of that French artist who proceeded to have a severe allergic reaction and he fell to the floor and drowned in eclairness. I think it was supposed to be a funny scene, but it frightened an old lady that had been working on the game so much. Frightened out of her wits, the old lady went to see Don Corleone who told the old bag to shut up, and he would see to everything. Don Corleone had the old crone moved to Sicily to work as a strike breaker for the local Don who likes Iceees a bit too much, while he had a word with Traveller's Tales. Don Corleone was one of the many reasons that the game was altered as they were so scared by his tactics which included having his best friend Luca Brasi pour olive oil all over the company's computers that they were forced to alter the game to his liking. Some story. Some Luca.

The game was a lot more brutal in the original script. You know the part where Robin threatens Killer Moth with a bottle of bug spray? The spray makes Killer Moth cower in a comical fashion, which doesn't really make much sense as he is only a man wearing a costume so the spray wouldn't do anything. Well originally; Killer Moth wasn't a man wearing a costume but was actually a real moth although he looked a lot more sinister and a bit sluggy for a moth just saying. He had massive sharp talons, and he looked like he could rip you to shreds with his red buggy eyes just alone. Robin once again threatens Killer Moth with the spray, but in the original script he was genuinely terrified and he pointed to a picture on the wall which showed him with a bunch of moth laver presumably his children, but in a moment of coldness Robin proceeded to dump the entire contents of the bottle onto Killer Moth who proceeded to brutally melt to death into a pile of buggy bug juice. Batman glared at Robin as he felt that they didn't need to kill the poor fella, they could have just given him a warning. The opening cutscene was also different; when the two police officers find the box containing The Joker's laughing gas they start to laugh like crazy, and they then call Commissioner Gordon who realises that he needs a little help from his friends as he is a Beatles fan after all. He then proceeds to call up Batman and Robin kickstarting the game's plot. However, originally after making the call to Gordon, the two cops had a little time montage which showed how their lives were completely ruined by their uncontrollable laughter. One of the cops attended the funeral of a clown named Moe, and he kept laughing during the service which angered the priest who stuffed mint imperials down the officer's throat in an attempt to quell his laughter. The two officers became ostracised by their fellow police officers for their constant laughter especially during big meetings when Commissioner Gordon discussed how many people were killed by The Penguin's robots, and the two eventually found work with The Joker as members of his insane clown posse, well one of the cops did. The other cop made a back alley type deal where a totally real doctor removed his laughing box thus removing the officer's ability to laugh. Whenever people tell a really funny joke, the officer no longer laughs which makes the joke teller feel incredibly comfortable which upset the officer. To be fair, he was his fault for trusting that doctor. I may not have gone to medical school friend, but I know a doctor when I see it and that guy wasn't it. The weirdo was looking at a picture of a broken spine, and he held it up incredibly close to his face as that's how doctoring works.

One of my only gripes with the game is the fact that you didn't get to fight Bane on Batman's campaign. You find out on the villains campaign that Bane was arrested during a mission with The Penguin. Well before it was decided that every chapter would have five levels a piece, you were actually going to get to fight Bane. The level was called; "Dock Leaves," and it took place at a massive dockyard. Batman and Robin would have to fight their way through the docks and Bane was being guarded by a wave of dock goons who owed their allegiance to him. Of course, Bane was incredibly strong and was far too strong for the cape crusader to handle in a fight. Not wanting to have his back broke, Batman grabbed a hose pipe from the other side of the dockyards and then ran back on over to where Bane was standing. As the player, you would have to switch between Batman and Robin during the battle similar to the one with Mr Freeze. Batman would be used to get the hose, while Robin would need to be used to distract Bane from stopping Batman's search for the hose. Upon getting the hose, Batman proceeds to stick the hose into Bane's mask and Batman turned it on and it proceeded to suck out all of Bane's venom. Once the extraction was complete, Bane fell to the floor as a meek potato sack of a man. Fearing for his life and no longer having his muscles, Bane fled to Empire Bay thinking that some gangsters down there could even the score with Batman, but instead they turned on him and proceeded to give him a nasty headache at the Empire Arms Hotel. I own a room at that hotel, it smells of compost. Killer Croc's battle was also different, with it being explained that Killer Croc has something of a love for the deep blue sea. The game wouldn't hold back and would tell us in detail why Killer Croc held such an attachment towards the sea. All Killer Croc ever wanted was to sit on the seaside watching the tides roll in as he sipped on one those of little fruity drinks with the umbrella in them. Killer Croc had spent a great deal of time trying to get his luxury trip to the seaside by calling into several companies that were doing big holiday giveaways, and when he finally got his big break he couldn't wait. However, it seems clear that Killer Croc was in over his head as he was heading to France where he would no doubt be beaten by a shoe because they can't stand crocodiles in France. Killer Croc was also intended to be a lot bigger and more monster esque similar to his appearances in the later LEGO Batman games, while in the game we got Killer Croc is just a regular due wearing jeans who just so happens to be green and mean. After defeating Killer Croc, Batman would nick his tickets to the beach and would eat them right in front of him which made Killer Croc very sad. Killer Croc was apparently something of a creator's pet at Traveller's Tale so they opted to throw him a bone and have the scene be potrayed much more comically in the final game with Robin's horrid dance moves in his scuba outfit. Killer Croc's love for the sea and wanted to be surrounded by seaman are completely left unsaid in the game, with the flyer instead being an ad for the zoo which leads Batman and Robin to Man Bat.

Some people wonder why The Scarecrow is so cruel towards Killer Moth in the opening cutscene for The Joker story, well that's because in the original production, Killer Moth was actually supposed to have this beef with an accomplice who is described in the script as an old sweaty fisherman who is very cruel to people, but in reality his cruelness is just an act to cover up the fact that he feels super self conscious about his hooked hand. He claims he got the hand from a knife fight in Gotham Square look at Quasi there, but in reality an ice cream truck landed on his hand and tore it off as a result. The Fisherman was very demeaning towards Killer Moth, and he tried to get Moth over to his side by pointing out the fact that together they were much stronger than the wily Joker could ever hope to be. Killer Moth refused to listen probably because moths are deaf I think and this in version he was meant to be an actual moth man. Don't quote me however as I do not claim to be a moth scientist or whatever those people are called that keep moths in picture frames while their daughter builds a house out of peppermints which makes the father very angry for some reason. What was I talking about? Oh yes, sorry that was my story for tomorrow's news, in any case, The Fisherman tries one last ditch attempt to get Killer Moth onto his side by shining a light directly at Killer Moth from the local lighthouse. The light peaked the interest of Killer Moth who proceeded to walk slowly towards it in a very creepy way. However, Batman then shows up from behind The Fisherman and proceeds to throw the old seadog right into the ocean below where he is impaled on a rock which was sentient and the rock just looked horrified. Batman had scarred that poor formation for life. I should also mention that this lighthouse is where the battle with Killer Moth was originally going to take place.

Another issue that I often had with the final game is that we never got a level on the villain campaign with the Mad Hatter. The Mad Hatter was one of the members of The Joker's ensemble along with Harley Quinn, The Scarecrow, and of course Killer Moth. While playing as Batman on the hero campaign, you get to fight the Mad Hatter but on The Joker's evil campaign you get nothing as Willy Wonka would say. This was before Traveller's Tales issued the rule that each chapter had to have only five levels a piece. In this level entitled Hats Off To Joker, The Mad Hatter and The Joker appear in some weird abandoned theme park based on the Alice And Wonderland story. A running joke would occur through this level where The Mad Hatter would keep getting distracted by a bowl of jujubes and he would spent a great deal of time tucking into the little sweeties much to the anger of The Joker who was quite miserable in this level, as according to the dossier he would rub his head in annoyance. The Joker's goal in this level was to deflate a mouse, sorry I was just thinking about the play I attended once upon a time, anyways, The Joker's plan was simple. He wanted to find a man that worked at the amusement park who goes by the name of The Sane Hatter. The Sane Hatter was hired by the park on the understanding that he was a Mad Hatter lookalike, but when the resemblance proved unsatisfactory they opted to have the Sane Hatter stand in the corner of the park to look at the paintings like some kind of Mr Bean. The Joker was aware that The Sane Hater was a skilled architect who had big plans to make Gotham City beautiful, and The Joker was going to make sure that he did. The Joker needed The Sane Hatter's plans in order to build the belltower in Gotham City so that the final phase of his plan could take place, as apparently the belltower didn't exist at this point in the game's development. The Sane Hatter was very intelligent and he was the only character in the game aside from Batman to show no fear of the clown prince of crime, and instead he willingly gave away the plans as he was late for a fitting though the script implies that he was actually taking a bus to Pittsburgh that cheeky little digestive biscuit! If you want to talk about more differences to the overall game, it was noted that early on in development there were bigger plans for Nightwing who while he still appears as a playable character he has no role in the storyline, but originally Robin was going to become Nightwing at the end of the game which would have played a big part in the original plan for the sequel.

Furthermore, the best character in the entire LEGO universe; Fishmonger was also said to have a larger role where The Penguin and Catwoman would lace his fish with poison, Batman would have to rescue the Fishmonger before he served fish to the governor of the land who was incredibly fat and rather rude as he wanted the Fishmonger to marry his daughter. They really wanted Fishmonger to have his own DLC expansion pack called Fishing For A Fox, where we would learn that after marrying the governor's daughter the Fish Monger tried to sail across the sea and leave Gotham behind for good where he becomes enemy number one of his entire crew because he kept throwing their food supplies into the sea but the crew were dumb anyway as while throwing the crates of food into the sea they would proclaim, "huzzah," like it was something to be proud of or some shit. To make matters, the governor orders Batman to kill the Monger after he sells the governor's daughter to The Joker as it turns out that the Fishmonger had been on Joker's payroll since the fish monger academy. Someone at Traveller's Tales made an off colour remark regarding the sharpness of the Fishmonger's moustache, and everyone got so angry about it that his role was cut down to the point that you'd honestly forgot he was in the game. He appears at the beginning and end of The Penguin's story, and much like Nightwing he still exists as a playable character. Also, the vehicle levels were handled differently in the early version of the game. For those of you unlucky sons of a gun who haven't played the game yet, in every chapter there is a vehicle section and in each one you drive a different vehicle from Batman's garage yes he owns a garage such like everyone else. For Chapter 1 you would ride the Bat Mobile, for Chapter 2 you ride the Bat Boat, and for Chapter 3 you fly the Flying Bat. Give me a break, I don't remember the names of the bloody vehicles I don't work for Eddie Stobart! Also, in the unmade Chapter 4 the vehicle would have been a whirligig. Uh quick question if I may; what the fuck is a whirligig? However, in this vehicle levels you of course fight the villain's vehicle so in the Bat Mobile level you fight Two Face's truck, in the Bat Sub you fight The Penguin's sub, and in the flying thing you fight The Scarecrow's crop duster. Tell me about the crop circles!

Ahem! Now, originally, in the Bat Mobile level, after beating the boss battle Two Face was originally going to run out of gas in his truck, and he stupidly decides to pull into a local gas station run by the most awkward gas station attendant you ever did see. He was also crooked and was known to steal gas stamps as he had an arrangement with Henry Tomasino according to the dossier. Two Face upon realising that the attendant could easily rat him and The Riddler out to Batman, he proceeds to pin the man to the ground as he then got extra close to the screen. He was trying to look scary, but it didn't work according to the higher ups. Batman would have then shown up, and fought with Two Face. The Riddler meanwhile had used Batman's fight with Two Face to escape to the federal reserve. Batman and Two Face duked it out, and Two Face then escaped on an ice cream truck where he would have then ran over The Fishmonger's hand. Oh yeah, it's all coming together! The level was incredibly long and didn't extend into another level as it would have continued with Batman and Robin tailing Two Face back to the First National Bank of Gotham. Upon reaching the bank's vault, Two Face was able to get past security as The President Of The Bank was on his payroll, and for big money too or so I hear. Two Face grabbed a big bag of money, well actually it was a little plastic baggie and threw a LEGO bit down onto the ground. Using some miracle growth formula he got from Poison Ivy, Two Face was able to make the coin rise to be the size of the Empire States Building, and upon entering the bank an Indiana Jones type calamity would then occur as Batman would be chased down the road by the giant coin which was being driven by Two Face who was standing on top of the coin like a deranged hamster. Eventually, Two Face loses his balance, and he falls off the coin but before he can get up to shoot Batman the coin falls on top of him crushing him to death. Yes originally, the villains had much more brutal defeats than in the final game including the aforementioned Killer Moth getting melted into a mess on the floor and Killer Croc's dreams being crushed. Other villains didn't fare much better with Mr Freeze being made to sit in an incredibly warm room which didn't have any of the sub zero tech that he needed to stay alive. Freeze's eyes become bloodshot as he sinks to the floor in pain from the heat while the cynical Commissioner Gordon laughs at him as Gordon was considerably more antagonistic in this version. Man Bat was going to have his ear drums literally burst out from his head as a result of the loud music, and of course we have Bane's utter humiliation in Empire Bay where without his strength and mighty muscles he becomes a punching bag for the local mob.

By far, The Joker had the worst comeuppance out of the villains as originally, after being defeated by Batman, a cynical judge by the name of Turpin would marry Harley Quinn in a ceremony attended by all the characters including The Scarecrow who would have cried into a tissue as the ceremony took place suggesting that he had been pardoned. The Joker becomes a barber, and one day he goes to give Turpin a shave but before he can kill Turpin a cynical clown assistant comes in to ask for a reference so that he can apply for cooking school. Cooking school and you're a clown? You're not going to last long there my friend. Sorry that sounded rather cynical, but in any case Joker fails to shave the Turpin which makes him very cross it does. He sends The Joker to Canada as punishment, and needing to appease his parole officer, Joker gets rid of the clown makeup before getting a job at a local bar and in the 100% ending it would have shown that years passed and The Joker grew fat and into something of a humanoid ogre with stubble so large it covers his teeth. He often forgot to shave his teeth, and was known to pit gold mining crews against one another as while now incredibly fat, The Joker was still such a bastard. I should mention that the original cutscenes were much longer in length, and all together lasted the length of the entire Dark Knight trilogy as there were also incidental scenes about Alfred making dinner for Batman, a much longer version of the scene where Robin's head is comically decapitated by the manhole cover with Batman having to chase Robin's detached head as it rolled down a hill, and there was much more scenes explaining the architecture of Gotham and how The Joker intended to use that in his smelly plot. Also, little side note though this time it's LEGO Batman related; originally when The Riddler and Clayface break into the bank the money in the bank was going to be cheese, as Commissioner Gordon had anticipated their robbery of the bank and had all of the bank's money transferred to his bungalow where he would then kick the bags of the money around the room like the mad Commissioner he is. Batman also smiled a lot more in this early draft, and according to notes from the execs the smile never looked quite right and Batman often looked like a real dopey custard maker and sometimes looked like someone who just let out a big ole fart in the middle of a big exam hall. Hmm.

The prison wraparounds didn't exist at this point I guess, as there is no mention of it as originally after finishing a chapter on the hero campaign you would of seen the villains chilling in their respective cells at Arkham Asylum. With the exception of the very angry Riddler and Penguin, the other villains seemed pretty chillax about their arrest even though Bane and Croc could probably bend the bars with their immense strength but whatever. At the end of the original version, however only a handful of the villains were sent to Arkham and Commissioner Gordon would have walked around the seemingly deserted prison rubbing the back of his head as if to say, "hey where all of the prisoners?" After reading through the dossier. I just knew that I had a story on my hands and decided to give Jeremiah British a call so he could come and film me while I told a news story about how Travellers Tales almost ruined their company by making a super dark version of their game. This time my call was answered, but it wasn't Jeremiah who answered, no instead all I could hear was a nasty clown like laugh who then proceeded to say in an incredibly deep voice, "come here now." I hung up the phone, put a Bournville bar into my suit pocket for good luck and I hadn't even performed the necessary test before eating the Bourn as I was in too much of a hurry. I then headed into my master bathroom where I proceeded to trim my moustache on the sides which took ages because I was always very neglectful when it came to trimming the moustache. I ran down the road of Surrey towards Jeremiah's apartment who appeared to be sitting on his sofa catching up on some Harry Hill's TV Burp, however upon closer inspection I saw something horrifying! Jeremiah British's face now had a permeant grin on it, and it looked very sinister. I backed away slowly only to then feel someone standing behind me in the shadows. I got proper serious, and put on my lucky boxing gloves and turned around to punch this sucker in the gob, but then he turned out to be none other than The Joker himself. "Oh my that's rather rude dear boy." The Joker said as he stepped out from the shadows of the night. It was the middle of the day, but it was completely clouded in darkness inside of Jeremiah's apartment because he liked to live in darkness as he claimed that his ancestors were moles. Highly cynical moles too if I may say so. I did say so. I tried to run away, but Joker wrapped his arm around me as he smiled at me. He handed me a candy cane as he sang, "step outside I got something for you to see!" "Hmm no thank you." I said as I proceeded to lift The Joker's arm off from me, and that made him angry. He growled like a dog, and pinned me to the table as he yelled like some kind of Colin The Computer, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" Geez, sorry Joker bro. Look at him still using covid safety protocols all the rest of the world sleeps on them.

I awoke several hours later in a daze, and discovered that I was now dressed remarkably well like a clown. The Joker then appeared from behind me again this time carrying a little pocket mirror. He handed me the mirror as he waggled his finger around which disgusted me personally as I once chopped me grandma's finger off when she kept waving it in front of me as she made a big stink about the way I hold my fork when eating a Sunday roast. The Joker then said in a very cynical tone, "be careful, break that mirror and you'll have seven years bad luck." I looked in the mirror, and couldn't believe what I saw staring back at me. I was now something of a miniature Joker. I was dressed in a clown attire, and my job according to Joker was to help him bake peach pies that he was going to sell to unsuspecting ladies in Bradsville who would give the pies laced with Joker's patterned ass gas to their unsuspecting lovers who work in banks of the mob variety. The Joker used to stuff ass flavoured grenades into people's mouth, and even though they could have easily removed them they were quite content to just let the smelly gas fill their lungs with Turkish Delight. "Well what do you think?" The Joker asked me, which was when I realised something. I thought back to the sandwich shop, that man Frank Normalman. In my mind, I pictured Frank and sketched a small red smile on his face which is when I realised that he was The Joker in disguise. He had laid a horrid trap for me. He wanted to see how far I would go to find out more about how different LEGO Batman 1 was going to be, and when he realised that I would sweat no guilt in taking Traveller's Tales down a peg he realised that he had a new number three on his hands. I was relegated to being The Joker's pie maker, and as time went by I got crazy as all clowns do, and now all I know is pies. All I know is pies. However, I have a plan. I just cooked up a pie for the clown prince himself, however its a TMNT pie straight out from the 1980's and The Joker is deathly allergic to the TMNT pies having been the one to personally request that they be pulled off from the shelves. I'm going to hand deliver the pie to him, and watch him eat it and he'll eat it very awkwardly as The Joker is actually quite awkward believe it or not. In any case, my dear friends, like some kind of Aku Aku it was the time for the odds to be put in my favour.