The Commander (Episode)

Ed Atlin
as Jonathon "Prize" Money

Since the old Commander is married, Space Tree is in need of a new Commander. Also, Allon receives an Award.

## Transcript

*(open to Space Tree whacking a control panel with a baseball bat)*

**SPACE TREE:** That should do it. Commander, could you report to whatever room this is, please?

*(enter Allon in the Commander's outfit)*

**ALLON:** I'm already here, Space Tree.

**SPACE TREE:** Oh. Well, someone broke that control panel, and since you're the new commander, it's **your** duty to fix it!

**ALLON:** Yes sir, Space Tree!

**SPACE TREE:** Yeah.

*(10 MINUTES LATER)*

**MEE:** So, did you use the baseball bat?

**SPACE TREE:** Yeah. It should keep him busy for a while.

*(Allon enters the room)*

**ALLON:** The job is done, Captain Space Tree!

**SPACE TREE:** What?

**MEE:** Captain?

**ALLON:** The control panel is completely repaired, just like you wanted!

**SPACE TREE:** ... You know, the old Commander would have take much longer than that.

**ALLON:** Actually, he probably would've electrocuted himself, and then made me fix it and taken all the credit.

**MEE:** Yep. He sure was stupid.

**SPACE TREE:** Hey, the new Commander is just as stupid as the old one.

**MEE:** Well, I'm not going to argue with that.

**ALLON:** Is there anything else you want me to do, Space Tree?

**SPACE TREE:** Uh, yeah. Something keeps crawling around in the air ducts. Go up there and kill it.

**ALLON:** Uh, that's me, Space Tree. I live up there.

**MEE:** *(handing him a knife)* Here, use this knife.

**SPACE TREE:** OK, then, I've got a *better* job for you. Go outside, into space, and paint the ship red.

**ALLON:** *The WHOLE ship?*

**SPACE TREE:** Well, unless you're not up to it...

**ALLON:** No, no, I'm up to it. It's just... this must take me a *bit* longer than 10 minutes.

*(11 MINUTES LATER)*

**ALLON:** All done, Space Tree!

**SPACE TREE:** Oh, come on! 11 minutes?! Now it's just getting ridiculous!

**ALLON:** *(as he talks, the camera pans to the left, where the alien guy just stares stunned at the screen; after that, it pans back)* Well, actually, it took me two days to paint the whole ship, but then we were fortunate to pass by a black hole, so I dived in, and got transported back it time to here! So it just *looks* like it took 11 minutes!

*(Pause)*

**SPACE TREE** If you travelled back in time, wouldn't the ship here still be unpainted? And shouldn't there be two of you?

**ALLON:** Uh...

**SPACE TREE:** I don't want you bringing your time paradoxes onto my ship, Commander.

**ALLON:** Sorry, I forgot.

**SPACE TREE:** *(handing Allon a broom)* Here, go clean them up.

**ALLON:** Clean what up?

**SPACE TREE:** The time paradoxi.

**ALLON:** Okay...

**SPACE TREE:** *(drops the broom)* And after you've done that, go and paint the ship blue.

**ALLON:** What? But I just---

**SPACE TREE:** Hey, the old commander would have done it.

**ALLON:** No he wouldn't!

**SPACE TREE:** Don't yell at me, Commander!

**ALLON:** I'm not yelling! *(points at Space Tree)* You are!

*(Cut to the outside of the ship, which is red. A coat of blue paint wipes across it. Cut back to the inside of the ship. There is a red stain on the wall. Allon enters, exhausted.)*

**ALLON:** The ship is back to how it was, Space Tree. Can I take a break now?

*(Space Tree enters, wearing shades and smoking a pipe.)*

**SPACE TREE:** Oh, look who finally showed up. You're not so fast when you don't have any black hole paradoxees to help you out, are you?

**ALLON:** Yeah, well, *(mutters gibberish)*

**SPACE TREE:** Speaking of black holes, maybe you should go and paint the ship black.

**ALLON:** *(eyes suddenly become wide)* Maybe you should fuck off!

*(pause)*

**SPACE TREE:** Okay, Commander, I'll let that one slide. Just go into that room *(points to a door with a piece of paper taped onto it marked "Paint Room")* and get the paint.

**ALLON:** You go into the room and get the paint, and you'll paint yourself black!

**SPACE TREE:** *(starts talking near the end of Allon's ramble)* Okay, I get it, Commander. You're not even making sense now.

**ALLON:** And stop calling me the Commander! I'm not the Commander, and I never will be.

**SPACE TREE:** Dammit, Allon, will you shut the hell up and get in that room?

**ALLON:** Fine! *(Rips off shirt, revealing a red shirt that says, "Say no to drugs")* But I'm not the Commander. *(enters the "Paint room", revealing Tahoma with a microphone and a banner that says "Congratulations Commander!")*

**TAHOMA:** Congratulations, Commander. You've just won the Channel J News World's Greatest Commander award! *(the Channel J News watermark appears in the corner of the screen)*

**ALLON:** Say what? *(is wearing a shirt that says "Say what to drugs")*

**TAHOMA:** That's right, Commander Allon. Meelord and Space Tree nominated you for the award and you won!

**ALLON:** I won?

**TAHOMA:** *(hands Allon a signed mug)* Here's the honorary World's Greatest Commander mug, signed by the founder of Channel J News, Philip Horseman.

**ALLON:** Wow. You guys really nominated me? *(shirt says "say no to drugs" again.)*

*(cut to Space Tree and Mee. Mee has a tear drawn under his eye.)*

**SPACE TREE:** That's right, Allon.

**ALLON:** But why?

**SPACE TREE:** I'll tell you why, Commander. Because we care.

**MEE:** We really, really do. See? I'm shedding a tear. *(points to it)*

**TAHOMA:** And now, I'll present the most important part of the World's Greatest Commander award, *(holds up a briefcase marked "Prize Money")* ten thousand dollars.

**MEE:** *(interrupting Tahoma)* Uh, wait a minute, Tahoma. Don't worry about that part. Me and Space Tree will give it to him later.

**TAHOMA:** Well, I have to film the Commander receiving the prize money so I can show it on air tonight! You don't know how TV works, sweetie. I do have a microphone, y'know.

**MEE:** No, no, it's no problem. Look, I know how TV works, Tahoma. Just use some editing tricks in post to make it look like he received the award. You do trust me, right?

**TAHOMA:** Of course I do, but just make sure he gets the money. I don't want to lose my job.

**MEE:** Just trust me, Tahoma. And maybe someday, *(suggestively)* I can trust you.

*(cut to Space Tree. Mee walks up carrying the briefcase.)*

**MEE:** Check it out, Space Tree. My girlfriend doesn't suspect a thing.

**SPACE TREE:** I thought you said this whole thing was her idea.

**MEE:** Oh yeah, it is. So she gets a third of the money as well. I'll give it to her.

*(enter Allon)*

**ALLON:** Hey, what's with that briefcase?

**SPACE TREE:** Uh, nothing.

**MEE:** It's just for my friend, Jonathan Money.

**SPACE TREE:** Yeah. We call him "Prize" for short.

**ALLON:** Well, Jonathan's getting a new briefcase and I've got the World's Greatest Commander award. *(is now wearing a shirt that says "Predictable Entry Imminent")* This is the best day of my-- *(Commander jumps in out of nowhere, interrupting Allon)*

**COMMANDER:** Hey everyone, I'm back.

**MEE:** Who are you?

**COMMANDER:** Yup, me and the Stem got a separation thing, so it's all--hey, what's with that banner?

**SPACE TREE:** Uh...

**COMMANDER:** Did you guys nominate me for the Commander of the Year award?

**ALLON:** It's World's Greatest Commander, not Commander of the Year.

**COMMANDER:** Allon, what do you know about commandering? There's only one commander on this ship. Is that my award there?

**ALLON:** Uh, this is just--

**COMMANDER:** *(snatches mug from Allon)* Gimme that. Woah, World's Greatest Commander. If anyone here deserves this award, it's me. Right, Allon?

*{brief pause, then...}*

*(roll credits)*

## Easter Eggs

* At the end screen, there is a hidden, commander-head-shaped button. *(the Commander comes in, the scene is from the actual episode, but the Commander is black, and Allon is wearing a shirt that says PREDICTABLE ENTRY IMMINENT)* **ALLON:** This is the best day of my... **COMMANDER:** Hey everyone, I'm black!
* At the right corner of the end screen, there is a small tear-shaped button *(cut to Mee)* **MEE:** You see, the key to this whole operation is me drawing a blue tear underneath my eye. It totally looks like I'm crying. *(pan over to a really weird looking Space Tree, with huge eyes and a drawn tear, too)* **SPACE TREE:** Yes.
* After Allon fixes the controls, when Space Tree says "what", one lens in his sunglasses is rainbow colour.

## Fun Facts

* This episode marks the 50th appearance of the Commander.
* This episode marks the 5th appearance of uncensored cuss words, following I'm Gonna Kill You in the Space, Hand Shake, Frame Game, Forescore Jones: Xmas, and The Sanctity.
* Space Tree shed a tear in Kill or Kick without eyes.

## References

* The knife Mee hands Allon to kill himself is the Scalpel from Serious Tingling.
* The Broom Space Tree gives Allon is from Panic Broom.
* Once again, a reference to Philip Seymour Horseman.