'Lympics

'**Lympics** is the third episode of series 1 of Aunty Donna's Big Ol' House of Fun.

## Synopsis

The guys train for the Olympics and take a weird drug test. Broden weighs organ donation. Also: old-timey basketball and the clairvoyant Blair Buoyant.

## Plot

### Blair Buoyant

Blair Buoyant gets on stage and introduces himself. He has a dead person in his head who is calling out for the name Adam. He and Adam have never met before, wink, and Adam says he left his children in a shopping centre and fucked off to Disneyland for three days, and is pretty sure they died like his grandfather. Adam's grandfather says Adam has another huge stressful problem which he tells him to forget about, which is weird because Adam is bleeding out of his arsehole. He says he'll plug it up with cork, which Blair disagrees with. Adam's grandfather fought in the second world war in France in the 17th batallion, and in the winter of 1943 he took out a sniper that was holding his whole batallion down; the next summer, his general awarded him a medallion for bravery. Blair says Adam brought it there, but Adam read the email wrong and bought some pork medallions instead. Through Blair, Adam's grandfather tells Adam to go fuck himself, so Adam goes into the other room and rips the poster of his grandfather off the wall.

### Hot Dogs/Awesome Kong

Zach says the man on the television, Adam, looks exactly like Mark. Broden says that a hot dog can become anything, even a lightsaber. Mark becomes a cannon on a big battleship, and Zach is a regular *Lady and the Tramp*, and a wise guy. Pro-wrestler Awesome Kong breaks down the door, accepting a challenge to wrestle her, and also challenges the boys to win more award necklaces than her in the Sydney 2000 Olympic Games. Zach says that if they win, she has to buy them each a bonsai plant, and Awesome Kong says they have to make her breakfast in bed if she wins. Zach challenges her to a wrestling match, which causes chaos.

### Piss Drinker

The boys are growing their muscles when the doorbell rings. Broden leaves and they open the door to Mr Genovese from the Anti-Doping Agency, whose tests are unscheduled by design. They invite him in and give him their piss, joking about him drinking it. Genovese denies this, saying he's never done so in his entire life. He gets out a tiki glass, mixes their piss together, makes a cocktail out of it. He says he's enforcing the codes of nine separate anti-doping authorities from around the world, and sniffs coffee beans to reset his palette, saying he's the thirstiest he has ever been. He puts on a bib that says "I Drink Piss", and says a speech, then drinks the piss. Mark wonders whether he joined the ADA because he liked drinking piss and could get easy access, or if there's a culture of piss drinking there and he fell into it over time. Zach forgets who Mark is and Mr Genovese says piss is his treasure, then leaves.

### Organ Donor

Broden reappears, and Mark says that 'Lympics called asking if he wanted to be an organ donor in case they die there. Broden says to put him in an old man or a young man, and to repurpose his arms and put them on a girl. Stick his heart in him and his bones in them, and deliver his liver to her. However, he says not to put him in Steve, because he doesn't want to be in him. Broden wants his plug in Doug, his skin on Jim and his ligaments and tendons in Brendan. He reiterates his dislike of Steve. Broden wants to be in a boy, and to give a kid who needs a new knee his kidney. He calls Steve a pyro, despite having no proof, but saying that he lives in the hills where there's lots of fires but his house is always safe. He wants to give his nose and toes to a man with a hose, his penis to a genius, his taint to a saint, and his balls to underpriveliged youth. He doesn't want to fill out the form, though, so he leaves.

### Jan's Jims

Mark walks in to the house after a run. Jan is there, and calls him a silly little street orphan from the London streets; Mark confirms that both of his parents are dead. She offers some strawberry jim or raspberry jim, saying a jam and a jim are the same thing and singing. Mark recognises that Jan is actually Zach trying out a new character.

### Basket and Ball

A narrator introduces the classic basketball final in 1907. Another narrator introduces the teams *Toronto Pennywhistles* and the *East India Trading Company*. Tim Lincoln-Water is dunked, so George "The Giant" Winters recieves a free toss at the peach basket. Clyde Whittings, the game official, removes the peaches from the basket. George manages to win the toss and earns 27 points for the *Pennywhistles*. Willie Winters bodges a toss, and Kenneth Jellibond lets him know about it with a bit of argy-bargy. The penalty for argy-bargy is being sent to war, and they go to join the second batallion on the Western Front. The quarter-time siren is sounded, so they huddle for a slice of ornge before sitting down to a delicious roast of marten with steamed sprouts, mashed potatoes, boiled neeps, beef gravy and Gatorade. Erwin Johnson returns from the war but has shellshock; the Team Doctor sees to him and sends him to war where he will join the Light Horse Brigade on the Eastern Front. The Town Crier enters the pitch with news from afar that Franz Ferinand announced a new tour, and to check out livenation.com/franzferdinand. A woman steals the ball from the pitch and escapes on horse-drawn cart. The full-time siren sounds, and the *Toronto Pennywhistles* have defeated the *East India Trading Company* 27-0. The losers are sent to war, and the winners go to war.

### Sports Doctor

While Broden watches the match and writes a list of how to plat tennis, Mark is practicing with his shot put and hits him in the head with it.

Dr Michelle Brasier, M.D., asks why Broden didn't go to a regular doctor, but Broden says he was hit with a shot put so came here. Michelle is the most sought-after sports physician in the industry. Mark has a cold, it hurts when he swallows, and his arrow is itchy, but he can do normal stuff. Broden says he built it and they didn't come, and that Kevin Costner is full of shit. Zach pulled his ham string. Mark ran into a visual effects makeup team and they took him into their trailer and applied a wound onto him; it doesn't hurt. The Synchronised Swimmers say they are out of sync, and dive into Michelle's mug. Broden rides a BMX. Mark has sneezed 7 times today, and a sneeze is one eighth of an orgasm. He gets into a diving suit and is drowning in emails. He is chased by a Shark. The fancy man plays croquet with some balls. Captain Hook wonders where Peter Pan is. Jan returns, but Michelle recognises Jan as Zach.

### Medals

The boys and Awesome Kong return from the 'Lympics with many medals:

Medals Won
 Mark | 30
 Zach | 0

Awesome Kong awards the boys their bonsai trees, which die immediately. She leaves to her big empty mansion, but the boys say she can stay for lunch, because it is Christmas after all. They get christmas hats and it snows. Merry Christmas from Aunty Donna and Awesome Kong, and Ronny Chieng.

## Characters

### Main Characters

* Blair Buoyant (Zachary Ruane)
* Adam (Mark Bonanno)
* Mark
* Zach
* Broden
* Awesome Kong (Kia Stevens)
* Mr Genovese (Broden Kelly)
* Jan (Zachary Ruane)
* Tim Lincoln-Water (Mark Bonanno)
* Clyde Whittings (Jack Quaid)
* George "The Giant" Winters (Mark Bonanno)
* Willie Winters (Zachary Ruane)
* Kenneth Jellibond (Mark Bonanno)
* Erwin Johnson (Broden Kelly)
* Team Doctor (Danny Jolles)
* Town Crier (Zachary Ruane)
* Dr Michelle Brasier (Michelle Brasier)
* Synchronised Swimmers (Zachary Ruane and Mark Bonanno)
* Shark (Zachary Ruane)
* Captain Hook (Broden Kelly)
* Ronny Chieng

### Referenced Characters

* Janes
* Steve
* Doug
* Jim
* Brendan

## Trivia

### Blair Buoyant

* This sketch was originally about John Edwards but they found out there would be legal repocussions. The original can be found in "New Show" - FULL HOUR SPECIAL.
* Extras in the crowd include a producer's in-laws, Ed Helms' assistant Kate, a father of a crew member and an aussie fan.
* Blair Buoyant is dressed in atrocious mid-2000s clothes that don't look good.
* Mark wore a wig.

### Hot Dogs/Awesome Kong

* Broden wasn't acting in this bit.
* This was entirely improvised.
* There is a cut bit in which Zach said "remember Everything's A Drum?"

### Piss Drinker

* Broden looking back at the camera came up in a lot of notes to cut things, but they refused.
* This is one of Mark's favourite brand new sketches.
* Mr Genovese never makes eye contact with anyone.
* Broden made a lot of effort with the lines and cocktail mixing.

### Organ Donor

* Steve is actually a picture of their good friend Spencer.

### Jan's Jims

* Mark loves the runningness of the joke, which is revisited in episode 5.

### Basket and Ball

* This sketch is one of Broden's favourites.
* This isn't actual old basketball footage.
* It was one of the funnest sketches to film.
* The woman who stole the ball was told to do so by Sam Lingham, without the others' knowledge.
* They only had a license for two guns, and were stressed by this.

### Sports Doctor

* Michelle Brasier was on 4 hours sleep for this sketch, and only spent two days to film before going back to Australia.
* Mark loves the bit of Broden on the bike.
* They kept touching the skeleton, and so the art department had to tell them not to.
* The shark hat was made by the costume department.

### Medals

* *3 Busy Deborahs* on Adult Swim also coincidentally had the idea for it to suddenly be Christmas at the end, and they had to message them about it.

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