Shasta County Board of Supervisors

The Shasta County Board of Supervisors meetings, affectionately called "Shasta County Fight Night" in some more intelligent circles, are the pinnacle of government dumbfuckery.

Usually they occur on a Tuesday at 9am, but sometimes they'll switch it up and do a 5pm night meeting just to keep it spicy. When they call a special meeting, someone is probably grandstanding or trying to do a shady bureacracy.

The Shasta County Board of Supervisors consists of a representative from each of the five districts in Shasta County.

District 5 - Patrick Jones, our feckless, neckless board chair. Jones is a power-mad autocrat who sadistically presides over the meetings with a particle board fist. He respects only submission to his will, and his apparent political platform is "breaking things that don't need fixing."

District 4 - Chris Kelstrom, the world's tallest parrot. Standing at a whopping 28 feet tall, Kelstrom is a man of few words. If you played a drinking game where you took a shot every time Kelstrom said something other than "yes Patrick, I agree" your liver would be quite safe.

District 1 - Kevin Crye, a spicy megalomaniac who clearly sees himself headed to Congress. Cryebaby barely holds in his deep contempt for his normal, rational constituents ever since they immediately realized what a bad representative he is for their district and started a petition to recall him from office. He has a Ninja Warrior gym, a Pac Man machine in his office, and probably a shiny midlife crisis car. He enjoys trying to earn clout by networking with far-right conspiracy theorists like Mike Lindell and Linda Rantz, and going on the circus circuit with the MAGA patriot grifters that invite him to go tell the world what a wonderful Christian he is (right after the lady emcee points at his "wife" that was not in fact his wife--oops!) and how he's giving us freedom America integrity cowboy blah blah blah. May his political career be as short as his self-aggrandizing speeches are long.

District 3 - Mary Rickert, an actual cowboy and the only woman on the Board of Supervisors. She is a classic conservative who doesn't care to bring national politics to the local level in some theatrical way. While trying to quiet the egos of the grandstanding men on the board, Mary deals with a lot of classic misogynistic abuse and shitty behavior. By both seniority and capability, Mary should absolutely be chair, but shitbags gonna shitbag and the majority voted for Patrick because he's the one who taps Reverge Anselmo for big donations to far-right campaigns, so he gets to be chair. When Mary finally quits in a blaze of glory, ShasDerp will lose a dedicated public servant and no one has any right to be mad about it.

District 2 - Tim Garman, a genuinely nice guy. He sometimes sides with the far-right majority, but usually for different reasons than "I just want to please Daddy Reverge." Garman has been pretty deeply invested in helping people with wildfire relief and just generally looking out for the people in his district. He sometimes catches shit from the MAGA mouthbreathers for not voting in absolutely inane resolutions, but he's not afraid to call some shit out.

So that's the board. These three MAGA toilets and two humans duel over basic common sense and decency in wildly devolving government process.

The public has taken to increasingly theatrical displays during the "public comment" periods of each meeting. There is one general public comment where you get "three minutes of playtime" uninterrupted to say whatever you want to the board. This has since been restricted to "items which are not agendized and are within the purview of the board" because Herr Chair doesn't want to hear criticisms of himself anymore so he'll cut people off under the flimsy excuse of them not saying something relevant to the board. However, his pals are still allowed to spend the entire three minutes reading a Cuisinart manual if they so desire.

Notable Board Events:

1. The Carlos Zapata Speech
2. The Alex Bielecki "N" Word debacle
3. Christian Gardinier doesn't get kicked out
4. Steven King gets kicked out
5. Nathan Blaze doesn't get kicked out
6. That time Elissa McEuen screamed with a megaphone into the board chambers
7. That time Patrick Jones hosted a fucking drum circle outside the board chambers
8. The chemtrails meeting
9. The hand count meetings
10. The time Rich Gallardo tried to citizen's arrest the whole board

Basically, if you watch, let alone have the audacity to attend one of these meetings, get you a body camera, a therapist who isn't Lori Bridgeford, and some bail money.