The Grinch Funnypasta

I used to like The Grinch; I always did, but then one day something happened that made me change all that. What happened? Well, let me tell you. Oh yes, I shall tell you now and not later. Oh! I really do need to stop rambling and get on with the mash potatoes and leak at hand. In any case, as I said earlier I am a huge fan of The Grinch. I own all the movies, plush toys, and even The Grinch's smelly album and his patterned bottle of olive oil which was Vito Corleone approved. Can't believe ole man Corleone would ever sink that low, but I digress. My name is Bill, and I shall not go into details about my life other than my love for The Grinch. Now even though I am a certified Grinch lover, I will admit I am not too fond on one particular version of the story that being the 2018 one. Yes, the one that no bloody one remembers because of how awful it was. To put it bluntly; the film makers made The Grinch so weird and dumb it's almost a crime, they added an obnoxious reindeer whose soul purpose is to make jokes about how fat and lazy he is, and also there's a side plot about Cindy Lou Who wanting to kill Santa Claus. What is this world coming to Merlock I ask you! It's utter madness!

A friend of mine named Solomon Gale recommended it to me. I used to live on the old mining fields in Empire Bay; well to be specific if I may the hills behind Empire Bay. Gale was a good man back then as he used to make two homeless men share a crust of bread, all the while talking about how he plans to make a Muppet movie set in the backdrop of a Las Vegas inspired deli. Sadly, Gale lost himself in recent times as a result of a poorly concealed pancake addiction. Now a victim of insanity, Solomon came up to me with a copy of The Grinch 2018 and begged me to watch. I did, and as stated I didn't enjoy it much. When I brought this forward to Gale; he smiled and then said; "do not threat Bill, for there is another. Oh yes, there is another." "What are you talking about Solomon?" I asked confused as Solomon then laughed a mighty sailor's laugh as he then said, "well it might come as a surprise to you my dear lizard friend, but there is a never before seen version of this Grinch movie that was never supposed to be seen by the public. Curious, I leaned in with a smelly smile as I said, "okay I'm listening." I had often pulled that smelly face when threatening gangster mice into joining my cause. Yeah, I'm a weird guy but don't judge me okay? I mean in this crazy world of sinners and artichokes, is it really a fair assessment to say that one truly is normal?

Okay! So, Solomon then led me to a small wooden shack on the other side of the mines which is where he presented me with the supposed forbidden Grinch copy. As we walked, I inquired about the forbidden Grinch copy, but Solomon paid me no mind. The utter bastard! Solomon, you've changed. Anyways, I entered Solomon's little den and he went into a small little sitting area and when he came back he was holding a DVD case which looked exactly like the normal DVD copy of The Grinch. "Huh?" I asked in a really dumb tone of voice like some kind of Nermal as Solomon proceeded to hand me the DVD as he then said, "just be sure to bring it back tomorrow. I borrowed it while I was interning at Illumination a couple years back, and they gave it to me as a goodbye present of sorts." Solomon then cleared his throat very loudly as he then said, "now get going. I have to hand out flyers and I have no clue how to do that!" He then departed the scene with a fart that was so rank it was almost a crime, I put a sock on my nose to cover up the foul stench as I made my way out onto the streets towards my apartment on Keiser Street which sat atop an old pizzeria ran by Vito Cappelletti.

I boarded at a pizzeria named Vito’s, and there was an old Italian family who lived there which I was distantly related to. I liked the arrangement as it gave me some family life, and protection against surprise like the town hoods, but the less said about them the better! Anyways, Vito Cappelletti came in and gave me a pizza, but I never liked pizza but since I didn't want to hurt ole Vito's feelings I lied and said that I only like pizza when it comes from his smelly moustache flavoured hands which caused Vito to pull a very weird face that looks like someone getting their ears filled with cornflower. Hmm. Anyways, I dismissed Vito who was busy anyway as he was preparing for a big interview with the food mogul and TV personality Eddie Gourmand. Vito was really dumb however as he failed to realise or perhaps in a weird way refused to acknowledge the fact that Gourmand was already long dead. Not that it really mattered anyway, as that Gourmand was real evil as he frequently bad mouthed pizza places just so they would get shut down.

I sat down on my bean bag chair as I placed the disc of the DVD into the old DVD player which had a picture of an incredibly fat dog and a pencil shaped man drawn onto it with a pen of some kind. Perhaps a byro! Oh that's cunning! Anyways, I got myself comfy with a big bowl of ham and shrimp tails as the film started with a brief commercial which had Mac Tonite dancing and singing about how he really likes to be beside the seaside. Then there was another clip which had a man walking down the street only to get hit by a bus which was being driven by a really scary looking van of a man who looked a lot like Freddy Krueger, but in reality that man was kind hearted and was on his way to give money to a church which was right next door to a hill which sings when the Sun hits it just right. Oh yes, you better believe it when the Sun hits that hill just right it sings! After those two commercials ended, I coughed into my leg like a dog as the film started weirdly with The Grinch walking into his apartment and he looked really angry.

First of all, one of the many things that the 2018 movie did wrong was making The Grinch far too cutesy and nice looking in comparison to his deeply sinister design in both the 60's short and even the Jim Carrey one, which I will defend until the day I die. I once got beaten and mocked on a subway by three Wall Street stock brokers who claimed that The Grinch 2000 was one of the worst movies they ever saw. They were very angry about the movie, and were ranting about it as they got onto the subway. I was already on the train, and was wearing a Christmas jumper which had Jim Carrey's Grinch's face on it. That's a mouthful, and as you can probably imagine it didn't end very well. Back to the film, The Grinch was looking around his apartment for something to eat but he came up with nothing as he then muttered, "damn I really need a good meal to fill my hole." He then made a little bell appear magically, and he rang it as a middle aged butler then walked in holding a plate of steamed steam. I recognised the butler as Brendan Garst who used to work at Toad Manor until The Great Ribena Prohibition of 2017 happened, but let's not talk about now shall we? Oh good lord, please do not make me remember that particular Christmas! All I wanted was a lamb and mint pie, and I ended up with a piece of iron shoved in my eye like my idol Iron Eye!

Like in the actual movie, The Grinch was all out of food and he needed to head into Whoville in order to get some more. However, he decided to get Brendan Garst to do it for him. "Oh, but Sir what will the neighbours say?" Garst questioned rhetorically as he didn't wish to be seen taking orders from The Grinch as the ole Brendan Garst had a lot of friends in politics. "Oh, Brendan Garst you weak beak! You're bleeding me dry!" The Grinch yelled angrily as he handed a pack of Ribena over to Garst who smiled smugly as he placed it into his tux pocket as he then left the scene without another word leaving The Grinch alone with his thoughts. The scene then cut to show a bunch of really smelly looking lawyers having a meeting with the head lawyer Lickboot talking about how something simply must be done about The Grinch. "If we don't deal with this pesky Grinch, we'll be sleeping in the cold, cold, cold." Lickboot whined which is when a solution was offered up by a man named Stu who suggested suing The Grinch. "That's your suggestion for everything Stu! Oh, come now!" Lickboot whined as Stu then said, "trust me on this, I'll sue that green lima bean even worse than when I sued Su."

Basically, Stu planned on suing The Grinch with such a huge fine that ole Grinch boy would be forced to leave Whoville behind in search of a new home as he would no doubt be evicted because of the high price that the wily Stu was asking for. Now, Brendan Garst wasn't as tough as he initially appeared to be, and as such he was very scared about going into Whoville alone and basically demanded that The Grinch accompany him. Essentially meaning that The Grinch's plan of having Garst collect food for him was completely and utterly useless! Brendan Garst and The Grinch made their way through Whoville Park  where they saw a man throwing some seeds at pigeons, or at least I think they were seeds as they looked a bit like bonbons. I don't think you're meant to give pigeons bonbons, but what do I know hey? I hate bonbons, I mean one time they nearly made me gag out my eyeballs, but that's a story for another day. Oh, won't you stay another day? The man was incredibly miserable, and The Grinch walked up to the man and asked, "what's up your ass stranger?" "Go bother someone else, green man." The man said in a monotone voice which is when The Grinch decided to play a little prank on Brendan Garst. He headed over to a trash can, and pulled out a banana peel which was sat at the top of it. He then placed said peel onto the road and Garst ended up walking onto it and he fell over in a comedic fashion.

Well, I say comedic but truth be told ole Garst ended up cracking his nose and he cried heavily as an ambulance appeared magically and took him away to a hospital run by a sadistic band of clowns. You may want to laugh initially when you see those damn clown doctors, but you can't laugh. Now, that's true fear like a bee crawling up your arm after you laughed at its failed attempt to eat a toffee, but moving on the miserable man started to laugh. He laughed for a while, as he then said in the same monotone voice as earlier; "now that's funny." The man thanked The Grinch for making his day as he then headed into the street only to get grabbed by two heavily built Who thugs who asked the man about The Grinch. The man played dumb, and he then got given the most brutal beat down in any film. He screamed for someone to help, and an old man came out from his house to ask about his stolen tomato soup but when he saw what was happening he quickly shut his door and locked it so tight that it's almost a flight. Ha! I like to joke around sometimes, but anyways that guy died if you couldn't tell but did The Grinch care? Did he fuck! The Grinch smiled sinisterly as he then said in a quiet voice, "good riddance." Ah! Murder and horrid men with violence fetishes is truly what I was missing from 2018's The Grinch! Am I being sarcastic right now dear reader? Oh you foolish reader, I don't even know anyone named Marlon and by that I of course mean I don't even know the meaning of the word sarcastic.

The Grinch was shown to be back at his apartment as he made himself a cup of coffee. It's about now that I mention that The Grinch looked much uglier with his fur being rougher and his face being twisted with an unmistakable look of malice and hatred. As he sipped on his brew, a knock occurred on the front door of the apartment. "Now who do you suppose?" The Grinch muttered to himself as he answered the door only to be greeted by Stu the man with the plan to sue anyone that he comes into contact with. "Ah Mr Grinch hello. I am sorry to tell you this, but I am suing you for all your worth. Now don't even try and argue with me as I have a very busy day ahead of me. After I'm suing you, I need to finish suing Su, and then sue my son who is also named Su, I never liked that name but my wife selected it because her name is Sue too though with an e like a pea." Stu finished as The Grinch then asked, "uh what?" He clutched onto the door tightly as Stu made his leave. Before getting into his Twinkie mobile of a car; Stu informed The Grinch that the only way he could avoid being evicted was to pay Stu and his corrupt lawyer friends a small fine of 60 grand by the end of the week otherwise he would be out on the streets. Stu then disappeared into the shadows of the night leaving behind only a trail of car smoke. Hmm, cars really shouldn't be smoking but I don't really like that man so I'm not going to bother telling him any different.

How the hell was The Grinch going to produce 60 grand by the end of the week? Well, that's when The Grinch decided that he was going to steal Christmas. The camera zoomed in on The Grinch's face as his face became twisted with a twist as he proclaimed evilly, "I must stop Christmas from coming!" The Grinch then began walking upstairs to his bedroom as he said evilly, "think they can force me out of Whoville do they? Well, I'll show them by taking away the very thing they love most!" That was when I noticed that something was missing, and it wasn't the groom or even a toy dinosaur. No, it was Max, the beloved sidekick to The Grinch who he is supposed to be mean to, but in the 2018 movie he is really nice to and even plays chess with him in one scene. That's when a disclaimer came on screen which read, "Max couldn't make it as he is very busy running the Corleone charities.

Without Max, we then got the scene where The Grinch heads into the outback or the snowy alps I should say in order to find a reindeer who could possibly be his salvation. He came across a platoon of reindeer, but they were very rude and looked at The Grinch like he was dirt, no even lower than dirt. I'm talking about mud here people! Like the Pequod happening upon Moby Dick, The Grinch happened upon Fred the morbidly obese reindeer like it was yesterday's jam, and he looked impassive like some kind of Tom Hagen. The Grinch then grabbed Fred by the antler, and ordered him to come along with him as they had saving to do. Fred put up no protest, as he and The Grinch went back to the apartment as The Grinch then asked Fred what the deal was. Fred couldn't talk, but through the use of morse code or something it was then shown flashbacks of Fred's life where I saw that Fred used to be quite a heroic reindeer foiling a bank robbery where all the robbers really wanted was a lamb and mint pie, and a bunch of other stuff too, and there was also a scene where Fred dressed in drag in order to impress the smelly commodore who still has a thing for people who can't spot him at a train station. Governor Swan stood by the commodore bewildered as he asked, "Fred my boy are you accepting the commodore's proposal?" Fred then gulped a mighty gulp as the flashbacks came to an end.

It really doesn't surprise me that Fred has so much depth and backstory. Solomon had told me one day when he was still plugging the 2018 Grinch that Illumination were planning to one day make a movie centred around Fred, and they had already come up with the working title of Rein On Me Deer. Get it? A funky jazz song then played as we cut to a gun store in Whoville, and we saw that The Grinch was trying to buy some guns so that he could pretend to be a burglar in order to break into Bricklebaum's house. Oh FYI; Bricklebaum is a character from the 2018 movie who thinks he is The Grinch's best friend but he really isn't. Like some kind of Uncle Leone; all Bricklebaum really wanted was clarity. Whatever that means. Sadly, the man running the shop had a strict no Grinch policy and he sent The Grinch on his way. Ooh sent him on his way. Sent him on his way. The Grinch and Fred then arrived at Bricklebaum's house that very evening dressed as burglars. Using a pair of lockpicks, The Grinch was able to get inside the front door, but just as he entered the living room and began making his way towards the tree he was picked up by the neck by a Sylvester Stallone sounding bodybuilder ant named Mark Tark. Yes, now I should explain that in film time it was December 23rd, but Bricklebaum celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve because he didn't really care for the actual Christmas day as his wife had left him on that day. Hey, I didn't say he hated it for a funny reason now did I? Mark Tark glared down at The Grinch as he asked rhetorically, "what are you bitching about Mr Grinch?"

The Grinch and Fred were thrown all the way back to their home on Mount Crumpit, and The Grinch then decided to kill Fred for no longer having purpose to him. Yes, really. The Grinch pulled out an old rusty meat cleaver as he said, "Fred you failed me son." Fred just looked sad so very sad indeed, but he managed to escape by biting The Grinch's nose off. The Grinch yelped in pain, but compensated for the nose loss by putting an old ice cream cone in the hole where his nose once was. After Fred escaped down the fire exit of Mount Crumpit, The Grinch declared it not worth it to follow Fred as he was as harmless as a rose peddle. Oh, but Grinchy baby, even a rose petal can be deadly if used the right way. Well, that got real dark real fast, hmm that's putting the chill on my thrill like my best friend Doctor Freeze used to say. I still miss him and his chilly ways, I told him not to listen to that mad man's ideas but whatever it's all in the past now as this beta movie brushed past all of The Grinch's planning for his master plan of stealing Christmas, and instead cut straight into the heist which went by rather smoothly. The first place The Grinch broke into was an old castle which belonged to a Scottish lord named Macduff, and when the lord asked what was going on The Grinch managed to evade justice by telling Macduff that he belonged by the sea. Macduff seemed to agree, as he left his castle to be robbed by The Grinch as he got into an old rowing boat which was being driven by his friend who wanted to set Macduff up with a local lass up in Branville named Betty Balfor, but Macduff wasn't interested in that.

The next stop for The Grinch was of course Bricklebaum's pad. Also, that's when I noticed that Cindy Lou Who hadn't appeared yet, but I didn't mind that as much as I did with Max as I don't like Cindy Lou in the 2018 movie as she was really annoying and quite nasty too as she wants to kidnap Santa Claus by making him trip on a pile of waffles unaware that doing so would likely give the old man a chronic back injury which would lead to serious problems as he got older and tried to start an accounting firm which is what all true Santas strive for! Anyways or anywho should I say! Ha ha! Bricklebaum's bodyguard and possible lover Mark Tark was away studying at Northwestern Medical School on Christmas Eve for some reason, and this meant that Bricklebaum and his house was entirely unguarded. The Grinch crept his way onto the front porch and peered in through the window and saw Bricklebaum sleeping on the sofa as Harry Hill's TV Burp played on the telly at full volume. "Time's up Bricklebaum." The Grinch said as he made his way into the house, and quietly and carefully he slipped all of Bricklebaum's presents into a sack and he then crept his way up the chimney. He used a stick of butter, and rubbed it all over himself in order to make him slide easier. A tactic taught to him by Miss Finister who used to babysit The Grinch back when he was a younging.

And so the night carried on, The Grinch went around Whoville stealing all the Christmas presents. However, his last stop wasn't Cindy Lou Who's house, no instead it was an old and rusty battleship. Upon entering the battleship, The Grinch was confronted by a large and smelly looking chef walrus who proclaimed, "ah you owe me fresh meat for my pot!" He had a very booming voice as he then began chasing The Grinch through the ship all the while yelling, "come back here boy!" The Grinch managed to get outside the ship, and locked the chef inside by placing a chair in front of the exit. The Grinch laughed evily, but his joy was cut short as a Nitro crate then fell on top of him and of course exploded, and the explosion from the crate sent him flying all the way back to the front of the ship where he found the presents still waiting for him by the sleigh. Picking up the sleigh, The Grinch rode with his load to the top of Mount Crumpit in order to dump it on a nearby landfill. Mike can hear gulls at that landfill he can! Unlike in the final film and every other version of the story, The Grinch had no change of heart and succeeded in dumping the presents at the top of Mount Crumpit as he then decided to pack up his bags, and move on. He had grown tired of Whoville anyway and he was planning on retiring someplace warm. He took the train from Whoville to Lost Heaven where he made a few phone calls and settled his affairs. That same day, The Grinch met up with his realty agent Richard Beck who offered The Grinch a brand new apartment right in Central Island, but The Grinch politely declined and instead bought a house in Hoboken.

Richard Beck showed The Grinch around the house, and when they reached the bedroom Beck pointed at the bed as he joked, "the beds comfy with room enough for two, maybe three!" Though he appeared to be quite a jokey man, in reality, Beck was very sad as once The Grinch made his purchase, Beck left the house and stood against a lampost on the street across from the house and lit a cigarette as he made a big stink about how the housing market was booming. Also, I simply must say this but ole Beck wore his trousers way too high so high they were touching his chin which is probably the true cause for ole Beck's irritable bowels. Six months passed by and The Grinch was shown watering his garden as a car then pulled up on the pavement beside him. Two men got out from the car, and as they walked up to The Grinch one of the men asked, "Mr Grinch?" "Yes." The Grinch said impassively as he put the hose down and turned to confront his two visitors. The man then said, "Mr Bricklebaum sends his regards." The Grinch then laughed as he began spitting out some Genco Pura Olive Oil as he then proclaimed, "you're already too late!" He then proceeded to... and I'm not even joking here turn into a turnip as the two men turned to face each other as one of them asked, "hey what do I tell the boss?" #

The film then ended with the normal credits, only there was a post credit scene which had Captain Qwark solmely staring at the screen as his head was floppy like a sock and he then said in the most sincere voice that I have heard Qwark use; "I'm sorry. I don't know how things got this far." I don't know either, but just as I was about to collect my thoughts my front door was bashed open as LAPD Detectives Cole Phelps and his new partner Harold Caldwell barged in. According to the papers; Phelps was recently reassigned to Burglarly much to the sadness of his partner in Arson; Herschal Biggs. Caldwell pinned me to the ground and held a revolver to my head as I began making a big stink about how I had done nothing wrong, but that's when Phelp interrupted me by saying, "that's where you'd be wrong Mr Bill. You see; my partner and I just investigated a robbery over at Iliumination Studios, and they claim that only one thing was stolen from them." "Would that happen to be a beta copy of The Grinch 2018 that was never ever supposed to be seen by a member of the public?" I asked. Caldwell lit a cigarette as he then said, "you're very right kid. Come along with us kid, you got a lot of explaining to do down at the station." I then tried to explain to Phelps and Caldwell that I was not responsible for the DVD being stolen, and tried to get them to come along with me to confront Solomon, but they were having none of it and forced me outside into a patty wagon. The policeman who shut me inside the patty wagon smiled at Phelps, but he didn't smile back which broke the policeman's heart.

Long story short; the court found me guilty with a landslide. I simply didn't have any evidence to back me up on this one, and as I was being led out of the courtroom I glared at Solomon who simply smiled at me as it then occurred to me that I really should have paid attention to what my Great Aunt Madam Web used to tell me; "keep your friends but your enemies closer." I once married her once by accident ya know? But that's another story. I was able to get a cushy cell well it was more like a suite over on a remote island prison named Mont-Saint-Michel where I was bunking with a criminal named Shiv. I told Shiv my story which is when we received a new cellmate in the form of Captain Qwark. Shiv proclaimed, "Captain Qwark! I used to dream of being arrested by you!" Getting arrested by Qwark was Shiv's 2016 fetish, but don't judge him though alright cause let me tell you the kid's one hell of a bowler. Saw him at the bowling alley a couple months back, and he had all the chicks going nuts! I then asked Captain Qwark if he'd like to hear my story, and he smiled an incredibly cheesy smile as he then proclaimed, "absolutely!"

I have to say I really would have liked The Grinch 2018 a lot more if that was the film that we ended up getting, instead of what we did get which was nothing more than a shameless cash in on a timeless classic. I still can't believe that bastard Solomon would turn on me like that! According to my informants; what went down is that Solomon was confronted at his hut by some Illumination enforcers who wanted to know where their DVD was, and through the use of the silver tongue he was able to pin the blame on me. Oh, Solomon you'll get yours just you wait! Now, if you excuse me I got a story to tell, and a lot of shells to sell. Bye bye!