Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 3

DO NOT PROTECT THIS PAGE (UNLESS I HAVE ADMINISTRATOR BACK) IN CASE I NEED TO EDIT PAGE ACCORDINGLY DUE TO POSSIBLE CHANGES IN THE DOCUMENT. Refer to the disclaimers in Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 1 for more information on why this page exists. It's important. But the gist is, I want to archive it/save my work somewhere, and please don't read if you want to wait until I release the finished product. Thank you.

*Pages 51-75*

You have absolutely no idea how to solve this stupid puzzle and open the doors. As a last ditch effort, you think it's finally time to summon His Majesty.

You expend 3 ELF TEARS(S).

You had enough ELF TEAR(S), but unfortunately in order to summon the WEASEL KING you will need some WEASEL SNOT.

The WEASEL EMISSARY appears instead.

You use your strong sense of animal communion to commune with the Emissary. He communes back, communing concern over whether he can trust you.

> PS: [ALLEGIANCE MENU] (00298)

You must make a choice. To which group does your allegiance belong?

Weasels…or Elves?

> PS: Press all the shoulder buttons and start + select. (00299)

The game goes back to the main menu. Unfortunately, you, the player, forgot to save your game! You will have to go through everything all over again, and choose a less-retarded option.

> Begin MS Paint Adventure, and copy-paste every command from the log. (00300)

You then realize that a loophole exists. Even though you forgot to save, your entire command history up to this point is still saved, and as far as you know, there is no way to delete it all. You pain-stakingly copy-and-paste every single command from the previous session onto the command tab, eventually getting into the same exact situation before you decided to press all the shoulder buttons and start + select.

I mean, what did you expect would happen? Did you really think you could find a cheap trick to magically win the entire game? You're going to have to do better than that, and I mean miles better. Geographic miles, even.

> PS: Align thyself with the elves. (00301)

The Emissary flips the fuck out!

> PS: Use MOLLIFY to calm down the emissary. (00302)

Pickle Inspector politley suggests that he be allowed to try something first, before such extreme measures are taken.

> PI: Olge the Emissary disconcertingly to calm him down. (00303)

The Emissary's hysterical state appears to subside.

> AD: Go through door's window and throw the switch. (00304)

You enter the small room and throw the switch.

The room starts to travel upward, like an elevator.

> PS: Ok, fine, align thyself with the weasels. (00305)

The Emissary appears pleased.

He explains that his people face a critical impasse. They require your help.

He asks if you can spare exactly 1 HERO(ES) from your ranks to help them with their plight. It is imperative that this chosen one have an unusually high HEIGHT characteristic, for reasons that remain mysterious.

> PS: Appoint PI as chosen savior of the weasels. (00306)

The Emissary thanks you. He and Pickle Inspector disappear into the portal.

Ace Dick arrives at the elevator's destination floor. It appears to be some sort of control room.

There is an array of monitor displays, as well as a CODE MACHINE sitting on the table.

> AD: Examine the map on the wall. (00307)

Four nations at war. You wonder who the warring parties are, and why they can't just get along.

> AD: Check out monitors. (00308)

It looks like some rooms are under surveillance.

(Particularly, the three main offices of the sleuths.)

> AD: Check behind the door. (00309)

The door is blocked from the other side!

It can only open part of the way, into a very dark room. It bumps up against something totally immovable.

> AD: Open hatch in floor. (00310)

The hatch, shockingly, is locked.

There appears to be a convoluted puzzle on the opposite wall. Perhaps it will open the hatch.

You are pretty dull and not very creative though. You have no idea how to solve it.

> PI: Tower over weasels in brazen display of HEIGHT attribute (00311)

Yes. YES! None stand taller than you in this realm. You are a giant among men!

There are no weasels around to be impressed, however.

You stand amidst a field of SALTED MELONS.

> PS: Go down and see what the elves are up to. (00312)

Oh hell, you forgot to switch your ALLEGIANCE.

The elves are quite agitated.

> PS: Change allegiance to calm elves. (00313)

The elves are pacified by your gesture of good will.

ROPO, their leader, briefs you on a CRITICAL MISSION. You exhibit signs of being the chosen hero for this mission, of which has long been prophesied by elven lore.

> PI: Look around. (00314)

There appears to be some commotion by the tree in the distance.

> PI: Check it out. (00315)

Some weasels congregate beneath a nest of ELF EGGS. They yearn for the succulent yolk.

If only they had a SAVIOR OF HEIGHT to help them.

> PS: Accept mission. (00316)

The elves are grateful for your bravery. ROPO instructs you to first leave behind all of your material possessions. You cannot be burdened by such things on this quest of the spirit.

You dump everything from your inventory into the skylight, including your HAMMER, ELF TEARS, BUSINESS CARDS, and GAME CODE SHEET.

You drop your TOMMY GUN on the floor. You leave your CANDY CORN where it is, though.

ROPO lifts the table to reveal a hidden hatch.

> PS: Enter hatch. (00317)

(PS begins falling down.)

> PI: Eat eggs. (00318)

They look delicious, but you just can't do it. It would just be so impolite!!!

> PI: Give weasels elf eggs. (00319)

Your valor is lauded robustly.

> PS: Fall in a more hardboiled manner. (00320)

This is how a real man falls. A man's man.

You better secure your HAT to safeguard the CANDY CORN.

> AD: Go down to skylight and get game code. (00321)

You acquire the GAME CODE.

While you're at it, you grab the flask of ELF TEARS.

You decide to bring your WINDOW with you, so you won't have to go up and down every time some goofball somewhere drops another cool item through the skylight.

You strap the GENERATOR to your back.

(You go back to the control room.)

You prop the WINDOW up vertically against the wall.

> PS: Quit falling and land already! (00322)

You land.

There is a SMALL COTTAGE.

A pair of funny looking hands places a pie on the windowsill to cool.

You recall the CRITICAL MISSION detailed in your briefing.

YOU MUST ABSCOND WITH THE PIE.

> PS: Politely ask the pair of hands for the pie. (00323)

You contemplate the civil approach, but you just can't do it. It's too risky!

Besides, you don't have enough MANNERCITE SHARDS (2/9) in your ETIQUETTE MONSTRANCE for a polite request.

The cottage dwellers appear to be preoccupied. Now is your chance!

> PS: Abscond with the pie. (00324)

You haul ass through the woods. The clowns are hot on your trail.

> AD: Go through window. (00324.5)

You walk through the vertical window.

You land on the side of the enormous beast.

It appears the beast has defecated Problem Sleuth's imaginary remains, including his skull.

Suddenly, you hear some music from the storefront window begin to play…

(The city is lit up.)

The beast disappears. You fall to your death.

> GO BACK

> AD: Open control panel. (00325)

You find a PARACHUTE inside. You take it.

> PI: Politely accept reward for your heroics. (00326)

The WEASEL EMISSARY comes to grant you a boon.

By tapping the raw energy locked within your ample MANNERCITE SHARDS (7/9), you politely accept.

The emissary guides you to the SPIDERHOLE OF DISQUISITION. You are to embark upon a journey of the spirit.

> PI: Enter spiderhole. (00327)

(PI begins falling down.)

> PS: drop one (1) CANDY CORN to distract your pursuers. (00328)

No way!!! You simply cannot spare it!

The ELF EXEMPLAR offers you sanctuary from the cruel rogues.

The exemplar thanks you for your heroism. He accepts the pie and grants you one (1) boon. You are allowed to embark upon a quest of the spirit.

He disappears, leaving you alone in this room with no exit.

The only object in the room is a MAGIC WARDROBE.

> PI: Fall in a sillier manner. (00329)

(This involves PI's hat repeatedly hitting his face.)

> PS: Open wardrobe. (00330)

You wonder what magical realm this portal will lead you into. There is only one way to find out.

> PS: Enter wardrobe. (00331)

You crash against the back of the wardrobe, which is rock-solid. You fall unconsious.

You are a HYSTERICAL DAME. You are trapped in your apartment. You are about to go into a fit of hysterics.

You could really use a strapping fella to come help you out.

> HD: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer. (00332)

You've already got arms, sugartits!

> HD: Hurl teddy bear at door to break it down. (00333)

You are quite positive there has never been a teddy bear in your apartment, and never will be. Frankly, the notion strikes you as silly and childish.

> HD: Hurl pillow at door to break it down. (00334)

It didn't work.

The exertion has increased your HYSTERIA GAUGE.

> HD: Check drawer for strapping fellas. (00335)

It's absurd to think there will be any strapping fellas in here, but on a day as strange as this one, who knows??

The drawer is locked.

You shut the WARDROBE. You're not sure what it was doing wide open like that.

> HD: Search room for business card of hard boiled detective. (00336)

Why, it just so happens there is one in your HANDBAG.

"LOOKIN' FOR A HARD FELLA TO SLEUTH YOUR PROBLEM?

THINGS GETTIN' TOO HOT TO HANDLE? NEED A TOUGH STUD TO SORT IT ALL OUT?

1-800-HOT-STUD"

Unfortunately, it seems your phone is missing a variety of PHONE PARTS. You can't make the call.

> HD: Scream into pillow to lower hysteria meter. (00337)

It seems to help a little.

> HD: Search room for missing phone parts. (00338)

They are nowhere to be found in the room.

Facing EAST, you see your large bedroom window, of course providing its view of the breathtaking urban mural across the street.

On the small table is a locked MUSIC BOX, the key for which you have misplaced.

You really have no idea what to do. You're simply too hysterical to think straight.

> AD: Enter code from sheet into code machine. (00339)

You punch the GAME CODE into the CODE MACHINE.

You feel the game around you reconfiguring itself into a different saved state.

After going through a lengthy and mostly pointless series of events, you (HD) have finally managed to reassemble your phone. Maybe you can finally call for help and end this nightmare.

However, you have been dialing the number for hours to no avail. There has been no answer. Maybe this time will be the charm?

> HD: Call the strapping sleuth fella one more time. (00340)

The man on the phone answers in a hard boiled manner. He explains to you gruffly that he'd love to help you out, sweetheart, but he's up to his neck in all this weird puzzle shit. He hangs up.

You are a little disappointed, but can sympathize with his need to address the weird puzzle shit.

In this state of the game, it appears the really convoluted puzzle has been solved. It probably took hundreds of pages to solve it.

You (AD) have no idea who was clever enough to solve that sudoku up there, or tall enough, for that matter.

The solved puzzle appears to have activated a blinking button on the control panel.

> AD: Push button. (00341)

It releases the lock on the hatch. A vertical column extends upward. But it bumps into the ceiling before the column's entrance can be fully revealed.

There is not enough space for it to extend into.

In this state of the game, you (PI) have finally finished falling. There is no one in the room, and nothing except for a MAGIC MEDICINE CABINET.

> HD: Grab the knife and let out terrifying battle cry. (00342)

You pick up the KNIFE. Its cuddly comfort calms your hysterical condition considerably. (And alliteratively.)

Suddenly you flip out!!! Wielding the TEDDY BEAR has maxed out your HYSTERIA GAUGE.

This is very bad!

> PI: Ogle the cabinet open. (00343)

The MEDICINE CABINET remains closed, however you do find yourself mildly disconcerted.

> PI: Open Cabinet (00344)

Inside, along with some sort of dimensional rift, are ASSORTED MEDICINES.

> AD: Put self on top of column and push button. (00344.5)

(This unsurprisingly leads to you getting crushed by the ceiling.)

> GO BACK

> AD: Put self on top of column and push button. Wait, no. Better idea… Prop window above column and push button. (00345)

The column extends easily into the ample space provided by the window.

> AD: turn off the window. (00346)

The bulk of the column is lopped off.

You prop the window up over there, plug it back in, and shove the rest of the stuff off to the side.

(The window is propped up vertically, thus causing the bulk, which is small in comparison, to hit the head of the beast near the storefront window.)

> AD: Strap on parachute, enter the acherontic hole. (00347)

You enter. The column's stump recedes into the floor.

The window falls over, upside down.

(The bulk falls off of the beast entirely, des(as)cending.)

> HD: Sssssstab. Ssstab. Stab. Stab stab stab. (00348)

You're not sure why you're flailing around your cute TEDDY BEAR like this.

You look a little closer and see something tied around its neck.

> HD: Look closer. (00349)

It's a MUSIC BOX KEY.

You put it in your inventory.

> HD: Open music box. (00350)

A dancer twirls and a sweet melody begins to play.

The mirror becomes illuminated. Something is inside.

It is a dashing man riding a noble mount. Your eyes meet. You are overwhelmed by feelings of longing. Is this the man of your destiny?

The music stops, and you put the music box down. There is something looming out the window.

Your HYSTERIA skyrockets. You feel dizzy, as if you are about to pass out.

You (PS) wake up in a strange dark room.

Was that it? Has your quest of the spirit ended? Are the elves pleased?

On the four walls of the room are large stone busts. Each appears to be blocking a doorway.

> PS: Attempt to move weasel bust. (00351)

It won't budge an inch! You are not surprised in the least, since you do not recall ever receiving a boon from the weasel kingdom.

Something mystical is happening with the elf bust. It appears to be momentarily phasing out of this temporal plane. It looks as though you can pass through it.

> PI: Enter cabinet portal. (00352)

You hit your head against the rear of the cabinet, spilling all the medicine. You have a splitting headache. Maybe some of these pills will make you feel better.

> PI: Blindly take large amounts of pills. (00353)

You take a large dose of the powerful hallucinogens.

You are a NERVOUS BROAD. You wake up locked in your apartment.

For a second, you thought you saw something disappear into the mouse hole.

(Meanwhile, while falling through the hole, AD is doing the truffle shuffle.)

> AD: Deploy parachute. (00354)

You land in a mysterious realm. A small band of hogs is there to greet you in the hospitable comfort of a muddy wallow.

Your pulchritude is likely low enough to commune with these creatures.

> AD: Establish superiority by punching nearest hog in snout. (00355)

The hogs are enamored of your rowdy, no-nonsense brand of ruffianism. Your superiority has been clearly established!

Their leader, PORKHEARST, relates to you the woes of his kind. They crave SALTED MELONS, yet the prize is guarded by a loathsome enemy.

Will you accept this righteous mission?

> NB: Retrieve the lipstick from the bed. Ominously. (00356)

You pick up the LIPSTICK. It is a sultry shade of red. Nothing happens, but it makes you a little nervous.

> NB: Examine gazebo-ish model. (00357)

It is a toy carousel affixed atop your full length mirror. It will not turn or play its music without the CAROUSEL KEY.

> NB: Close medicine cabinet. (00358)

You do not have the physical strength to close it! If only a tall brawny fella would stop by. Maybe that Pickle gentleman you remember reading about somewhere. Where was his card again?

As you push the mirror, you notice your own reflection. Your frayed nerves have caused you to look dreadful. Your makeup could use some freshening.

> PS: Enter door. (00359)

You enter the control room.

Hey, look. An old fashioned CODE MACHINE. You wonder if there are any codes lying around to punch into it.

It is a pig sty in here. You wonder what slob was responsible for this mess.

> PS: Check Score. (00360)

ACE DICK

IMAGINARY LIVES - 1

SCORE - 50580

RATING - BRUSQUE MUG

SACRED URNS TOPPLED - 0

PROBLEM SLEUTH

IMAGINARY LIVES - 1

SCORE - 78150

RATING - STANDUP JOHNNY

MYSTIC RUINS DESECRATED - 0

PICKLE INSPECTOR

IMAGINARY LIVES - 2

SCORE - 16030

RATING - PRETERNATURAL WISEGUY

HALLOWED TOMBS DEFILED - 0

> NB: Apply make up. (00361)

Something about this idea makes you very nervous. You proceed with nervous caution.

Suddenly you flip out!!! Wielding the LIP STICK has maxed out your NERVES GAUGE.

This is very bad!

You drop the disconcerting instrument. You may think twice before picking it up again. You're not sure if your nerves could take it.

> AD: Accept righteous mission. (00362)

You blindly accept, and begin gathering melons into your parachute.

It appears your intrusion is unwelcome. A weasel nearby is flipping the fuck out.

> AD: Politely ask weasel to calm the fuck down. (00363)

You consider how to phrase the diplomatic request, but you come up empty. Your ETIQUETTE MONSTRANCE has no MANNERCITE SHARDS!

You beat the weasel to death with your MONSTRANCE.

> PS: Go get pig poster from Ace Dick's office. (00364)

You go down the elevator and grab the poster.

As you suspected, there is a GAME CODE printed on the back.

"5G-PR-HU-62

9K-Y8-32-BB

ML-L4-DQ-5N"

> PS: Go back up. (00365)

You return to the control room, but first you stop in your office and grab your window. You've grown fond of the thing and sort of missed it. You think it might be cool to have around for whatever reason.

> NB: Examine mural in order to calm nerves. (00366)

It's not working! The mural is just too unpleasant!

> NB: Search room to make sure it contains no Fancy Santas. (00367)

You are quite sure there are no Fancy Santas to be found in your room, but just to be absolutely certain, you look around.

...

Wait a minute... is that...?

OH FUCK IT'S A BUNCH OF FANCY SANTAS.

It is your prized collection. They always help to calm your nerves.

It appears that one is missing.

> NB: Pick up card next to phone. (00368)

"DISCONCERTED?

NEED A TALL BRAWNY FELLA TO COME BY AND INSPECT YOUR PICKLE?

PERHAPS I MAY BE THIS FELLA.

1-800-OGLE-NOW"

You pick up the BUSINESS CARD.

> NB: Call the fella. (00369)

The tall brawny fella does not seem to have a phone.

Your NERVES have elevated again.

(The same person who looked at HD's window is now looking at yours.)

You accumulate enough WORRY POINTS to add a new NERVETECH to your arsenal: LV. 3 CASE OF THE VAPORS.

You are about to pass out.

(PI has regained consciousness, and is now in the room with the four busts.)

> AD: Return melons to pigs in manly fashion. (00370)

You can't! A band of enraged weasels is hot on your trail!

Ah, but there is PORKHEARST! Sweet PORKHEARST. He guides you into a hole in the tree trunk.

PORKHEARST has gratefully accepted the melons and departed, but not before leaving you with a profound quest of the spirit.

Against the wall is a MAGIC BUFFET TABLE. Plated on its surface is a gorgeous feast.

> AD: Open buffet cabinet. (00371)

Throbbing magical energy is concealed within the furnishing.

> PS: Decipher code using enigma machine. (00372)

You enter the GAME CODE from the pig poster.

The universe around you begins to change.

This code has taken you to an earlier point in the game.

You are Ace Dick, with no conscious knowledge of what just happened.

You have a strange sense of deja vu. You were about to take a PARACHUTE from the panel, but you space out and forget to take it.

There was something else you were about to do. What was it…

> AD: Oh yeah, go through window. (00373)

You land on the side of the enormous beast.

There is something familiar about this situation as well.

Something unfortunate is about to happen!

> AD: Quick, hop into storefront before beast disappears. (00374)

You head for the window and notice an enticing skull along the way.

(You come out of HD's music box while she is holding it, holding PS's skull.)

> Other AD: Ignore the portal. There's victuals to be had. (00375)

You disregard the mysterious gateway. You would probably only bump your head on the back of the thing anyway.

You partake of the mouthwatering feast.

In spite of your tremendous stomach capacity, you pass out from over-eating.

You feel yourself drifting to another plane of reality.

Ace Dick's imagination is too crude to have a female alter ego!

> Small AD: Look for exit from giant dame's apartment. (00376)

You scurry into a mouse hole on the south wall.

It looks like there is a FANCY SANTA over there. You don't have time to admire its beauty though.

(Meanwhile, in the state of the game where PS has just entered the game code…)

It seems like that GAME CODE did nothing. What a waste of time!

> PS: Push buttons on the machine randomly! (00376.5)

(Another attempt at cheap tactics lands you in an unimaginably glitched state of the game!)

> GO BACK

> PS: Grab parachute and jump through upside-down window. (00377)

(PS safely des(as)cends down(up?)ward in the sky.)

> PI: Go through weasel bust. Flip bird to elf bust on the way. (00378)

The occult bust weeps tears of blood.

It appears to be some sort of lounge room. Although it looks like the couch is missing.

There are three face-shaped indentations on the wall at different heights.

> PS: Make a pit stop at the sleazy brothel in the sky. (00379)

You miss landing on the brothel by a bit.

You wave to the whores as you pass them by.

> PI: Functions -> Ogle -> Paper -> Table (00380)

The table contains smutty material which makes you highly uncomfortable.

> PI: Use TALLNESS powers to press face in highest indentation (00381)

The COUCH ARCHETYPIFIER is triggered by the interface afforded through your mighty TALLNESS attribute. It settles upon a couch suitable to your profile.

It's quite an elegant piece of furniture. It looks like your imagination could run wild with it.

In HD's room, the small man reappears from the hole with some LIPSTICK.

> HD: Take the lipstick. (00382)

You cautiously appraise the cosmetic accessory. There is nothing unusual about it at all, and there is no reason whatsoever for your HYSTERIA gauge to elevate.

> HD: Wield the lipstick in a calm, casual manner. (00383)

You start flipping out with the CHAINSAW.

You saw the Fancy Santa in half. There was a CAROUSEL KEY inside.

> Big AD: Examine wig. (00384)

It's a lustrous head of hair. You've always been pretty insecure about your baldness, and maybe it's finally time you did something to boost your self esteem.

> AD: Take wig. (00385)

You take the PRUSSIAN KÜRASSIER HELMET.

> PI: Build fort from couch cushions. (00386)

(Unsurprisingly, a competent fort is made.)

> PI: Drink candy corn liquor. (00387)

The powerful liquor maxes out your IMAGINATION gauge. Your lithe frame can barely contain the raw power, causing you to feel mildly disconcerted.

> PI: Enter fort. (00388)

You are possessed by violent imaginative numina. You feel as if you can bend this entire continuum to your will. You can do anything!

A loathsome beast approaches.

> PS: Land already! (00389)

It appears the realm below is locked in escalating conflict. These warring parties clearly need a diplomatic savior.

You land in an enchanted palace.

You bow before His Majesty. The tale of his kingdom's sorrows plucks at your heartstrings. He has a royal appointment for you which you cannot refuse!

> AD: Look out window. (00390)

You thought you saw something moving by your window.

You take a look outside, and notice an exceptional work of art.

The mural seems to be a single tile in one of those really cool but somewhat dated photo mosaics.

The mosaic appears to be printed on the opposing wall of a gigantic office.

Whoever was occupying this office has likely been trapped in here for some time. This seems like a safe assumption to you.

But the office is empty. From the vantage of your doll house window, it looks like someone has just vanished into a portal in the floor.

> PI: Become overwhelmed by possibilities. (00391)

Your imagination is like an untamed stallion bucking through the cavity in your imaginary skull. There are so many ways to deal with this beast, you can't possibly attempt them all.

Or can you?

> PI: Combat Operandi -> Lv. 8 Pickle Replicsimile. (00392)

(There are now eight floating Pickle Inspectors.)

> PI: Rip up buildings and throw at beast. (00393)

(A building is easily ripped out of its place, ready to be used against the beast.)

> HD: While flipping out, CHAINSAW the lockbox. (00394)

You slice your cherished lockbox in half. (actually it was a music box)

The small, terrified man has taken the CAROUSEL KEY and fled.

(Meanwhile, the beast easily bears the brunt of the building, but seems mildly disquieted.)

> PI: Let the beast swallow you and fight him from the inside. (00395)

The beast invokes COMBAT OPERANDI: Lv. 18 BELLY OF THE WHALE. One of your duplicates is swallowed whole.

Once inside, you quickly set about turning its various organs into delcious candy. The beast suffers moderate damage.

> PI: Ascend to Godhood! (00396)

One of your duplicates decides to achieve deity status. He now resides as the serene, omnipotent master of all realities. Godhead Pickle Inspector will no longer respond to any user commands other than "GPI: Fondly regard creation."

PI: Take the form of an even more loathsome beast. (00397)

You transform into an absolutely grotesque monster.

In this form, you quickly dispatch the lesser beast.

But now Monster Pickle Inspector is out of control! It will only respond to user command "MPI: Succumb to unfathomable bloodlust."

> MPI: Succumb to unfathomable bratwurst. (00398)

I think perhaps you've misunderstood.

> PS: Refuse His Majesty and flip him the bird. (00399)

Never!

You gladly accept your duty and are honored by His Lordship's trust.

> PS: Accept new armor and weapon. (00400)

You don the Royal Diplomat's tunic and head garland, and accept perhaps the most potent weapon of the kingdom, the legendary TECTRIX OF THE ARBITOR.

You think the getup is a little silly though, so you change back into your normal clothes.

You take up the head of the negotiating table with high ranking officials from the four kingdoms. A map of disputed territory is handy. You listen with sage composure as the representatives list their countrymen's grievances.

The HOG PROVOST relates with measured dismay recent events which have thrown the entire kingdom out of balance. Recently, a mysterious visitor has been abetting clown-kind, helping them to slap the plump, unsuspecting rumps of innocent hogs. This has triggered a most pronounced and unwelcome escalation.

This situation is clearly a diplomatic mine field. One misstep could send the realm into oblivion. You will have to tread carefully, and choose your balance of alignments wisely.

> PS: [OPEN ALLEGIANCE MESH] (00401)

(The allegiance menu is opened, showing a measured visual 3D graph. There are four points on the mesh, each representing all four parties shown thus far in the adventure. Three of the points are high in some regard, while the other one is very low. With the mesh open, you are provided with a keyboard. Each relevant key does something different.)

Tab = CARTESIAN AGREEMENT

Ctrl = VIEW LEGATION TOPOGRAPHY

Z = BILATERAL SPLINE NUDGE

V = CONCILIATE POLYGONS

F2 = CHARGE DETENTE METER (HOLD)

P = OPEN MODUS VIVENDI PANEL

R = RATIFY NURBS

< and > = DRAFT EXEQUATUR / TEXTURE MAP

Up arrow = PEAKEN

Down arrow = VALLIFY

Left arrow = DODGE ISSUE LEFT

Right arrow = DODGE ISSUE RIGHT

Space = NORMALIZE VERTICES

4, 8, 6, and 2 = ROTATE AXIS

Shift = TOGGLE CAMERA MODE

alt (1) = STRAFE SUBJECT LEFT

Alt (2) = STRAFE SUBJECT RIGHT

> PS: ctrl alt del (00401.5)

You press Ctrl, press alt (the key closest to Ctrl), and Delete. If you paid attention, you would know that the Delete key does nothing at all.  The other two keys open the LEGATION TOPOGRAPHY and attack the CLOWNS. Great going, shit-for-brains!

> GO BACK

> PI: Conjure candy mecha. (00402)

(The candy mecha is just as large and stands tall against MPI.)

> Big AD: Read business card. (00403)

"Lookin' for a tough brute?

This hard dick is your ace in the hole.

1-800-ACE-DICK"

> AD: Call number. (00404)

The line is busy. You wonder who he could be talking to.

At this point in the game, the original AD has just received the other business card for BUSTS-R-US, and is calling the Sleazy Brothel in the sky.

The whores say they will be right over. They take off in the whore-mobile.

Meanwhile, back in the present point of the game, original AD wakes up in the pentagram room.

You're not totally sure, but you think this means there are now three Ace Dicks running around.

> AD: Walk through pig room. (00405)

You enter the room through the vanishing hog bust.

There is a computer station along with a DOT MATRIX PRINTER and a PUNCH CARD MACHINE, which is on the floor for some reason.

Monster Pickle Inspector is going berzerk! He employs BATTLE TECHNIQUE: LV. 48 DISCONCERTING OGLE.

Half your party is slain, leaving 3 remaining, including the one piloting the mecha.

> Candy Mecha: Charge and fiyer your lazer. (00406)

Well, ok you don't have a lazer, but you pump the beast full of hot sugar. It suffers moderate damage.

In a fit of cowardice, the beast absconds!

You are now NB.

It looks like the little fellow had brought you your CAROUSEL KEY. What a kind small man.

> NB: Use key. (00407)

The carousel starts moving. Something is happening to the mirror.

In the imaginary world, near MPI, there is something funny whirling in the sky. A portal appears below it.

MPI enters the portal, thus going into NB's room!!

The "female" Ace Dick busts through the door and smacks the beast with the ROMANCE NOVEL, dealing a BRUTAL AFFRONT.

The beast is slain.

The Candy Mecha enters the room, too.

You wonder where Nervous Broad went.

It turns out that NB ran into the mirror portal before it closed. She is now a giant amongst the IMAGINARY CITY STREETS.

> Reap spoils of battle. (00408)

VICTORIOUS MOMENT

PICKLE INSPECTOR GAINED A LEVEL!

IMAGINATION: +580

PULCHRITUDE: +1

VIM: -103

PICKLE INSPECTOR EXCELLED TO NEW RATING: PIQUANT ARISTOCRAT

PICKLE INSPECTOR ACCRUED COMBAT OPERANDI: ABSTRACTED THOUGHT

ACE DICK GAINED A LEVEL!

IMAGINATION: ¿¼l&ÈÑ"

PULCHRITUDE: -0

VIM: +45

ACE DICK INCREASED STOMACH CAPACITY BY 3.3 LITRES.

ACE DICK INCREASED STOMACH CAPACITY BY 4.2 LITRES.

ACE DICK INCREASED STOMACH CAPACITY BY 6.8 LITRES.

ACE DICK ACHIEVED LEVEL 26 STOMACH PROWESS.

ACE DICK ACCRUED COMBAT OPERANDI: CHECK YO'SELF JONAH

ACE DICK EXCELLED TO NEW RATING: JOWLY ROUGHNECK

PICKLE INSPECTOR GAINED A LEVEL!

IMAGINATION: +1040

PULCHRITUDE: +2

VIM: PICKLE INSPECTOR HAS LOST HIS VIM GAUGE ENTIRELY

PICKLE INSPECTOR HAD LEARNED A NEW TYPE OF OGLE: DISQUIETING LEER

PICKLE INSPECTOR ACCRUED COMBAT OPERANDI: TEMPORAL REPLICSIMILE

THE BEAST DROPPED ARTIFACT: FERRUGINOUS HORN

> Prussian AD: Inspect ferruginous horn. (00409)

You are transfixed by its rich, rust colored patina. It's probably worth a fortune.

> OG AD: Activate punch card machine. (00410)

It dispenses a PUNCH CARD.

> AD: Insert punch card into big computer. (00411)

The aging machine noisily performs tens if not hundreds of mind boggling computations per second.

The DOT MATRIX PRINTER churns out a PRINTOUT.

> AD: Read printout. (00412)

"ALCHEMICAL FORMULA

PRODUCT: FIVE ALARM HOT SAUCE

INGREDIENT BREAKDOWN

-(1) POLISHED HORN

-(1) BURNISHED HORN

-(1) FERRUGINOUS HORN

-(1) CHIPOTLE PEPPER

> HD: Chainsaw your way out of your room. (00413)

You draw a line around the door with the LIPSTICK.

It causes the area inside the line to fall out and create a huge hole in the room's entrance.

> PI: COMBAT OPERANDI -> ABSTRACTED THOUGHT (00414)

You fade from the imaginary reality, leaving your final duplicate behind.

Pickle Inspector has woken from his fort-trance. He is now capable of functioning in reality while still maintaining a presence in the imaginary realm!

Mobster Kingpin finishes his soul quest. He emerges from the experience inwardly enriched and full of wisdom.

> MK: Go through clown door. (00415)

All quests have been completed. The curse has been nullified. The statues have been banished forever.

> PS: AGH TOO DIFFICULT, go online and search for walkthrough

This is complete bullshit. You have no idea what to do with this stupid mesh or how to solve this crisis. You resolve to find some help.

You search up "MS Paint Adventures" on GameFAQs, and sure enough, you find it under the "Weird Puzzle Shit" section of the "Text Based Adventure" section, which, in turn, is under the "PC" section.

> PS: Open one of the walkthroughs. (00416)

Problem Sleuth Walkthrough

By: Andrew Hussie

Started on: August 13, 2008

Completed on:

E-Mail: andrewhussie@gmail.com

Table of Contents

1. Introduction
2. Version History
3. Items
4. Weapons
5. Characters
6. Storyline
7. Controls
8. Game Basics
9. Walkthrough
10. Bosses
11. Battle Techniques
12. Combat Operandi
13. Character Ratings
14. Hallowed Tomb Locations
15. Bonus Candy Corn
16. Ogling Guide
17. Portal FAQs
18. Weasel Communion Tips
19. Dos and Don'ts on Diplomacy
20. Sacred Urn Checklist
21. Maps to Mystic Ruins
22. Problem Sleuth's Case Files
23. Business Card Walkthrough
24. Codes n' Secrets
25. Copyright
26. Contact Info
27. Credits

1 - Introduction

So ok this is the third mspaint adventure called "Problem Sleuth" and it's a little (ok a lot!) longer than the other obnes called Bards quest and Jail Break. And its also harder to solve with lots of puzzles and more hard boiled lugs and nerveous dames to save then ever! So hang in there and we'll go through the adventure together, it will take a lot of IMAGINATION and some VIM and yes just a little bit of PULCHRITUDE too!!!

2 - Version History