What's Up: Balloon To The Rescue/Script

**The following script is rated R for strong language, violence, drug use, and graphic sex scenes. Do not read if you are under the age of 18.**

## News Show

News Reporter: What is up, my crazy-ass n\*ggas? Welcome to this fuckin' awful news show called FOXNEWS. This show sucks fuckin' balls, but that shit ain't important right now. The important thing is that these two scientist muthafuckas fought these goddamn monstas a couple years ago and they's got a sexy-ass 16-year-old niece, who is just so goddamn sexy and I just want to shove my dick inside dat n\*gga's pussy and I would let dat n\*gga blow me and… Ah shit, is we live?

Cameraman: Uhh… Yes, sir.

News Reporter: Did they hear me say that the niece is sexy as hell?

Cameraman: Yes.

News Reporter: And did they hear me say, "What is up, my crazy-ass n\*ggas?"

Cameraman: Yes, sir.

News Reporter: Am I getting fired for that?

Cameraman: Hell yeah.

News Reporter: Well, since I is bein' fired anyway, I hate n\*hhas, chinks, kikes, wops, beaners, trannies, guineas, and faggots. Bill Clinton is a bible-beatin' snow n\*gga.

(Amanda and Guto are watching this on TV.)

Amanda: Why the fuck is that guy such a goddmamn racist pervert?

Guto: Well, you do have enormous titties.

Amanda: Shut the fuck up, Guto, you little prickfuck asshole!

Doctor Cum: Hey! Watch your goddamn language, you little fucking cumstain!

Guto: Fuck off, you cocksucking alcoholic fuck!

Doctor Cum: Guto, I swear to God I will throw you out the motherfucking window!

Guto: Whatever, Doctor Cum.

## John Pierre Enters

John Pierre: (walks into the room) Eyo, bitches. There’s these fucking monsters that keep fucking killing people and fucking destroying fucking everything.

Doctor Cum: Maybe you need to mind your own goddamn business, you cock-ass n\*gger! Those monsters didn't do shit to you!

Amanda: Uncle Cum, can you maybe stop being such an asshole?

Uncle Cum: Shut the fuck up, cunt! This cocksucker's probably a crippled sheeny!

John Pierre: If you n\*ggers don't catch these damn monsters, I’m gonna say the fucking M-word!

Guto: Wait. There's an M-word?

Amanda: "Moolie".

Guto: "Moolie"? What kind of retarded word is that? What faggot came up with "moolie"?

Doctor Cum: Okay, fine. Fuck it. Let’s kill some motherfuckers.

Guto: Aw hell yeah!

## They Go Into A Cave

John Pierre: Okay, guys. There is a monster or alien or whatever in that cave, so go in there and kill it.

Doctor Cum: Oh, for fuck's sake, I'm getting too old for this shit.

(Everyone except John Pierre goes inside the cave.)

Doctor Douche: Hey. How come John Pierre isn’t coming in the cave with us?

Doctor Cum: Because the French are fucking pussies, you pricking n\*gger-faggot.

Amanda: Uncle Cum, that is very racist!

Uncle Cum: Oh chill out, bitch. It’s not like a called him a slur or anything, you fucking dumb-ass chink.

Guto: Hey, John Pierre! Where are the fucking monsters at? We ain't found shit!

John Pierre: Look harder, prickfuck!

(Suddenly, some big rocks fall and block the entrance.)

Uncle Cum: Oh shit! We're fucking trapped! That goddamn little French faggot trapped us!

Amanda: Doctor Cum, I'm sure it wasn't him. You just hate him because you're a racist.

Doctor Cum: Well, I do hate French people! It's just my personal opinion! We don't have to always agree about everything all the time!

Guto: He's got a point.

Doctor Cum: Shut the fuck up, Guto, you fucking cum dumpster! Quit being a ni\*\*er and help us get the hell out of here!

## Amanda And John Pierre Do It

John Pierre: So… Uhh… You wanna fuck?

Amanda: John Pierre, you're 21 and I’m only 16. You could go to fucking prison.

John Pierre: Age is just a goddamn number, n\*gger.

Amanda: Good point.

(They start making out.)

Amanda: Oh, John Pierre. Fuck me. Fuck me hard!

(They take their clothes off.)

John Pierre: God fucking damn, your titties are big.

(They have sex on the couch.)

Amanda: Oh yeah! Fuck me, you fucking cocksucker! Fuck me hard! Shove your dick deep inside my fucking pussy! Come on, bitch!

John Pierre: God damn it, I'm doing the best that I can!

Amanda: WELL, DO BETTER!

John Pierre: Okay, okay. Jesus Christ.

(John Pierre fecks Amanda hard. Eventually John Pierre cums and they stop.)

Amanda: Wow, John Pierre. That shit was fucking incredible. We should have sex more often.

John Pierre: Yes indeed we should.

Amanda: Your cock is so smooth.

John Pierre: Yes and your titties are so big.

## The French Guy Is Found Out

Doctor Cum: I told you French people are bastarding n\*gger-faggots!

Amanda: Doctor Cum, stop being so racist all the time!

Doctor Cum: I am not racist! Quit being a n\*gger!

Amanda: Uncle Cum, if you're not racist, then why do you say "n\*gger" so much?

Doctor Cum: Because, Amanda, "n\*gger" is coon slang for "buddy".

Amanda: No, you fucking idiot, "n\*gger" and "coon" are both racial slurs for black people!

Doctor Cum: No, they're not, you stupid n\*gger! Besides, those coons are complete n\*gger-faggots!

Amanda: You see, that's the problem with you! Everything is "n\*gger" this, "n\*gger" that, "n\*gger" you, "n\*gger" me, "n\*gger" here, "n\*gger" there, "n\*gger" everywhere.

Doctor Cum: I will say whatever I goddamn want, you cocksucking fucking retarded autistic jockey-sucking ni\*\*er-faggot coon!