Fake TPOT 36: These Aren't the Peace Talks You're Looking For/part 1

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.

"**These Aren't the Peace Talks You're Looking For**" is the non-canon thirty-sixth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 4 August 1985. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known as "**The ——— Experiment**"—that second word being the name of a central character in the episode—but it was rightfully changed to avoid spoilers.

Author's note: Everyone's a bit more angsty than usual in this. Yeah. On a happier note, we're already at the 75% mark!

Description if this were on YouTube:

If there's one thing you should know after this episode, it's who the heck that thing was that tried to turn everything Swedish in the last episode. Fortunately (for some), they're not an evil monster whose sole intent is to ruin everything. Isn't that re-leaf-ing? Oops, that pun was not meant to be made - it could be a spoiler for who comes back, hint, hint.

Previous episode: "This Insvenska Thing"

## Cold open (Flashback to four months ago)

### **Four's mansion**

**Scene**Dramatic music opens the scene as we get a glimpse of a house on a hill. But it's not just any old house on a hill, it's Four's house on the Hollywood Hills. This is indeed the same building that was seen in TPOT 34, and it has made a comeback, just like the owners of the house itself, **Four** and **X**: View of the living room, where X is sitting on one of those lounge chairs.
* **X**: Four, come over! It's starting soon!
* **Four**: So it is. I'm coming!

[*Enter* **Four**, *carrying a bucket of popcorn. As is typical for humans and* haute couture *objects in the mid-1980s, they have a mullet, made of the same blue material that makes up their surface.*]

* **X**: Yep! Today we're watching TPOT! It's going to be so rad, watching the show known as TPOT!
* **Four**: [*deadpan*] I know what it's called; you don't have to say it twice.
* **X**: [*imitating Two*] *The Power of Twoooo!*
* **Four**: I'm serious, X. I know its name. I don't like the 'ber, and yet I'm still watching this show with you to show you how much I really care about you.

[*All of a sudden,* **Profily** *pops out of Four's bucket of popcorn.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: Would you look at that? *Kindness!*
* **Four**: Profily, how many times have we told you? You can't just hide in our food. If you want to be someone's TV dinner, I'd suggest you go down to Skid Row.
* **X**: Four!
* **Four**: I'm joking, I'm joking.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: But you told me we'd have an evening of great fun and amusement! We never get to watch TPOT around here!
* **Four**: That's because it's expressly forbidden, like being a twenty-year-old apple juice drinker here, or driving with a shirt on in Thailand.
* **X**: Oh! [*realizing, with his eyes getting big*] *Ooohhhhhh.*
* **Pr****of****il****y**: It's starting!

[*Profily chomps on a kernel of popcorn as the intro plays.*]

## Flashback scene, cont'd.

[*At Four's house.* **Four** *and* **X** *are watching TPOT and* **Profily** *has squeezed themselves in between them, kicking their legs up in ecstasy. We get a view of Four's Four-shaped television as the three of them watch TPOT 35 as it is being filmed through the surveillance cameras (as opposed to the version post-editing).*]

**P****i****n**: Saw will be missed, but I'm proud of her.
**Li****y**: Yeah, me too. Now she has someone who can organize her life for her!
**Two**: Don't talk like that, Exix!
**Li****y**: Wha— oh... yeah...
* **Four**: Eugh, it's public enemy #1.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Don't you mean public enemy #*2?* Haha! [*snorts*]
* **Four**: Profily!
* **Pr****of****il****y**: I kid, heeheehee.
* **Four**: The way that number treats their contestants is absolutely despicable.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: But not as despicable as the cable company that's depriving us of our TV time!
* **Four**: What are you talking about?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: That's the end of a Cake at Stake scene! I would know, just like I know a lot of things in this great big world we're living in! We may be watching a live broadcast of the taping because of the special privileges they give to algebraliens, but that doesn't mean they can insert a commercial break between every! Single! Word!
* **X**: Uh, Profily? The commercial break is over now, and the episode is back.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Thanks for telling us, and by us, I mean Four and me and you and me and we and me—

[*Four physically turns Profily around.*]

**Two**: I am not trying to look like any of you. In today's contest preparation, I shall no longer call myself the host of you nasty creatures!
**C****l****o****c****k**: No hosts? I declare it's time for *anarchy*, with me in charge!
**Two**: Sit down, Clock. You have all been very naughty objects lately for even thinking of that treacherous pentagon-brain...
* **Four**: [*angrily*] Alright, that tears it.

[*Four turns off the television as Profily starts bouncing around the mansion.*]

* **X**: Don't tear up the couch, Four! If you do, then I'll have to think of fifty more reasons why we should get a dog! Like Doojo, or whatever other name they give him.
* **Four**: No, it's not that! I used to be so angry and grudge-holding when Two came to this planet and stole over half of the cast from me, but now that I watch their show and see my former contestants being belittled just because they're objects, I feel much better about myself.
* **X**: Four, that's a really mature thing to say.
* **Four**: Is it really? Then I think you'll like this: I think something should be done about it.
* **X**: Hey, that's great! The activist part of me is now about as bouncy as Profily is. So what do you want to do?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: [*jumping in place*] Yeah, who? I wanna know! Yeah, who? I wanna know!
* **Four**: Two doesn't like annoying things, right?
* **[** **Pr****of****il****y** · **X** **]**: Right.

[*Four stops to think for a second, but they get interrupted.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-*splashum!*
* **Four**: Hmm... Profily, how would you like to go on a journey to a land that we once called home?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: You want me to go to the Equation Playground? Because I think I've got enough energy within me to take me there; in fact, I can fly up there at your command!
* **Four**: No, no, don't do that! Let me rephrase that before you break our ceiling again: How would you like to stir some trouble at the old Bathrooms?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: The place where TPOT is filmed?
* **Four**: Not just that, but nearly all pre-split BFB, which is what you should remember that place for in the first place.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! [*slapping Four's cheeks*]
* **Four**: If you leave right now, you can get there before the contest.

[*Profily stops bouncing and puts their hands up.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: *Yeaaaaaaah!* I totally have the power to do that as we speak, right now! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, this is like *soooooo* gnarly!
* **Four**: It sure is! But first there's one thing I want you to do.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: [*jumping*] What do you want to me to do? I'll do anything, anything you want, as long as it doesn't involve comets; why, I still get nightmares from that movie.
* **X**: Four wants you to listen, so could you *please* stop jumping upwards and downwards?
* **Four**: Yes, thank you, X. Profily, I want you be as annoying as you can, and I say that not relating to *you*, but I also want you to spread that power of being annoying to any object you set your hands upon.

[*Four uses their powers to cast a spell on Profily. Their hands glow for a few seconds.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: Whee, I feel all bouncy! Like a ball! Even though I'm something completely, completely different! But what did you do to me?
* **Four**: While you're travelling, I want you to pick something you're good at... [*Aside.*] It's bound to be irritating anyway. [*Aloud.*] And stick with it. I have just given you a little of my high-energy zappies, so that you can use them on any of your fellow objects in any way you want.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: That's so generous, oh me, oh my, oh mo! But what talent should I choose? Many a tourist has been impressed by my varied skills in entertainment; they even pay more attention to me than they do to the stars on the Walk of Fame!
* **Four**: I know, and that's why you're the breadwinner in this household. But... [*Aside, to X.*] Quick, name a way to annoy people.
* **X**: You could say everything in a language they don't understand!
* **Four**: Okay, Profily, that's your talent. You say you're bilingual, right?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Right!
* **Four**: So what you should do is...
* **Pr****of****il****y**: That's a great idea, byeeeeeee!

[**Profily** *speeds out of the house, breaking down the front door.*]

* **Four**: I really think we should label our food as *For Algebraliens Only*.
* **X**: And the door, oh no! Did they break my *Live, Laugh, Love* home ornament?
* **Four**: Even if they did, it wouldn't be as broken as how Two's going to feel after this *experiment*.
* **X**: I sure love when you're devious! [*Four smiles*] But, oh, Four, do you think Profily will survive the ride?
* **Four**: Sure. After all, I gave them the strongest power of all: the ability to influence others.
* **X**: That's your idea of the strongest power of all? Maybe we really are different.
* **Four**: Mm-hmm.

### **Hyperspace equivalent**

**Scene**I don't know if that's the right word for this scene, but it's kind of like the music video for Madonna's "Ray of Light", where everything goes really fast. It has to! Because of the popcorn they ate, **Profily** is now flying at many times the speed of sound as they travel from Los Angeles to Mahaliland, which is just about on the other side of the world. They talk alone as synthpop music plays in the background.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: [*nemini loquitur*] Bilingual, huh? Is that when you have more than one tongue? [*moves their tongue around really quickly*] B-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l! Aw, I only have one. That's so not bodacious. Oh, never mind that word, my speaking Swedish can be my talent! Yes, I mean, it's still accessible in my head, even though my parents made me move to Africa and enter show business at the tender age of... Gasp!

[*Suddenly, Profily notices a pair of blue and yellow gloves on the ground outside a supermarket somewhere in America, next to* **Coalladys**, *the same woman that Bracelety stole her money from in Brazil.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: [*swooping down and picking them up*] Wheeee!
* **Coal****la****dy****s**: Those are my gloves; I just dropped them!
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Sorry, can't hear you!

[*Profily flies up again.*]

* **Coal****la****dy****s**: Why does this always happen to me?

[*Meanwhile, in mid-air, Profily puts on the gloves so that their hands look exactly like the ones that caused the "Insvenska condition" in the last episode.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: Oh my God, such totally nice colours! And just in time to see the Atlantic Ocean, I think. Okay, time to practise my Swedish, and this time while on the *fly!*

[*Profily starts to fly super fast as they pass the ocean and several countries on the African mainland.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: Yes! ♫ Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi! *A la carte! Gør hvad andre folk forventer...* ♫ Oh, wait, that's Danish. Gotta think Swedish! Okay... okej. So *hi* is... hej. And if I want to introduce myself, I say this: Jag heter Profille och mitt pronomen är *hen*. Wow, I'm getting the hang of this! Now let me say a few more words before I land on the gro—

[*Profily, now going by the name* **Profille**, *lands ungently on the ground. As luck would have it, they land directly behind the bush in the back of the Second Hotel, next to the pay phones. where they see* **Bok** *going.*]

* **Pr****of****ill****e**: I'd better do this from underground. I mean... [*clears their throat*] Det är bäst att göra det här under jord.

[*Profille, still full of energy from Four's special popcorn, digs a huge hole behind the bush without anyone noticing. There we see them go underground until they are directly under Bok, although they are invisible to her in all parts of their body, except for a blue and yellow hand.*]

### **Four's house**

**Scene**Meanwhile, Four and X are watching the scene play out on the television. Somehow the episode skipped from TPOT 35a to 35*b*.
**B****o****k**: She's just murdered someone we're supposed to believe is her boyfriend! [*Pause.*] Gaty... Gaty, I'm being serious!
[*Four and X see the unknown hand from earlier, which we now know belongs to Profille, use the powers of influence on Bok in the form of meatball waves and a reverse wind chime sound.*]

**B****o****k**: I said, I'm being allvarlig!
* **Four**: [*excited*] Eeeeeeeh!

**B****o****k**: I'm... going to have to ringa you back.
[*Bok hangs up.*]
[*Four and X high five.*]

* **Four**: It's working!
* **X**: Then why do I feel dirty?
* **Four**: Because your mind is pure.
* **X**: *Pure-ple rain!*
* **Four**: Don't push it. Ah, but it gives me so much glee to know that there's someone out there who is using *my* power to disrupt *Two's* power to inadequately host a show! What do you think of that, X?
* **X**: It's a little grudge-holdy, but I'm happy you're happy!
* **Four**: The feeling is mutual, little one! [*pats X on the head*] Let's hope that our mission will last until the end and that Profily will never die.
* **French narrator**: Four months later.

## Back to the present

### **Back of the hotel**

**Scene**Near the phone booths, more precisely by the bush where Profille was sucked into Black Hole, a large stone monument stands erect. On it are the words: "HERE LIES THE UNKNOWN CAUSATIVE AGENT OF THE INSVENSKA CONDITION, WHOSE WORDS OF MEMORIAL ARE NOT WRITTEN IN SWEDISH, BECAUSE HARDLY ANY OF US CAN SPEAK IT." **Black Hole**, **Remote** and **Liy** stand around it as dreary, funeral-like music plays.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We stand here, to commemorate the hundred days that have passed since their death, and their recovery cylinder has been out in the open yet not breached.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes. R.I.P. in peace.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: "Rest in peace in peace"?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I just wanted to be funny.
* **Li****y**: Nice! [*high fives Remote*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You guys, this is a serious event. There isn't exactly much room to be funny.
* **Li****y**: Still? We've been coming here for the past week ever since we knew for sure...

[*Enter* **Basketball**, *listening to music on her Walkman.*]

* **Li****y**: Basketball!
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*shaking her headphones off*] Hey, Death PACT!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We still want to thank you for establishing that the person Black Hole sucked up was, in fact, a person.
* **Baske****t****ball**: No problem. [*Aside, to Remote and Liy.*] But if you ask me, I would have spared you guys' feelings by saying it was one of those "Cabbage Patch Swedes".

[*Exit* **Basketball**.]

* **Li****y**: You were saying?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm sorry, I'm just a little disappointed in myself. I've never intentionally caused the death of another, at least in this state.
* **Li****y**: Yeah, that was my fault! [*Beat.*] But don't be so down, BH, pretty soon you'll be able to kill people without feeling bad about it, just like Pencil!

[*Silence.*]

* **Li****y**: Now that was a bad joke, oops...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, how I wish there was a way to forget about this blunder, for the sake of our death prevention–promoting company.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: *I* have forgotten about it.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*sigh*] With my luck, I shall be sad for thousands of millennia. Perhaps there is nothing, either in this world or in someone else's, that could bring me even a little bit of happiness.
* **Voice**: Hello?

[*All turn their backs to the monument, and who do they see but* **Tree**. *He is wearing sunglasses, an outback hat and a round-the-neck camera, and he has his suitcase with him.*]

* **[** **Li****y** · **R****e****m****ot****e** **]**: Treeeeee!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh my gosh, in the living foliage, it's Treeënce A. Leigh.

[*Remote and Liy rush up to him, the former about to give him a hug.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Oi! Step away.
* **Li****y**: And you're as emotionally distant as ever.
* **T****r****e****e**: Sorry, I've just been on a couple of ocean liners, and I don't want yous to catch anything that I *might* have from travelling to countries with different ideas of health regulations, and all that fun stuff.
* **Li****y**: Don't worry, we've seen it all. [*points to the memorial stone*] This little stinker made me speak my native language here for the first time.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But wait a minute, Tree, you've been sailing?
* **T****r****e****e**: Globe-circlingly.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ooh, tell us all about it.
* **T****r****e****e**: I've done three separate trips around the world, and it's all thanks to Gregg. He's got something called, what-d'ye-call-it, a job.
* **Li****y**: But wait a minute, what about your daughter in the hospital?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: How's Georgy doing?
* **T****r****e****e**: She's doing great now. I went over there and they told me she'd had a minor accident, but she was back on her feet after two weeks. After that was cleared up, I headed to the mainland to try and get a few things before heading back over here, but there I had a change in plans. While at my office, my Gregg came to visit me out of the blue and he offered to take me on a round-the-world boat trip. With my being his fiancé whom he hadn't seen for half a year, we spent the next eleven months cruising together, just the two of us.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Aw, that's sweet.
* **T****r****e****e**: So it's just three of you out here. Where's everyone else?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Just doing whatever. It's contest day and the end of an act.
* **T****r****e****e**: I didn't see our host when I got here. Are they still on bad terms with, who's-it-called, Five?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, Two is over there.

[*Camera pan to* **Two**, *who is building something next to the pay phones. They notice Tree.*]

* **Two**: Oh, hi, Tree.

[*Tree waves.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: And where's Pen? Reckon I'd like to give him a few words, from one PACT-mate to another.
* **Li****y**: [*excited*] Ooh, are you going to rub it in that your fiancé treated you to a year-long cruise trip and he didn't?
* **T****r****e****e**: No, that would be childish. I will rub it in *after* I comfort him. Poor bloke must be a mess after the whole Pencil incident.
* **Li****y**: You knew?
* **T****r****e****e**: Of course. They show TPOT on most major cruise ships in the world, you know. By the way, Liy, well done on winning the last contest for us.
* **Li****y**: Tack så mycket!
* **T****r****e****e**: So where is that little bugger anyway?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: In our room. You can go there if you want; we'll just be waiting in the lobby.

[*Liy and Remote giggle as they all walk into the hotel, accidentally knocking over Profille's memorial in the process.*]

### **Squishy Bunch Room**

**Scene**In the team's hotel room, **Coiny** is teaching **Pen** how to play guitar. The window is still broken from the last episode.
* **Co****i****ny**: And B♭.

[*Pen strums a B♭ chord (badly).*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Aaaaaand... that's it.
* **P****en**: Eyy!
* **Co****i****ny**: Congrats, Carlos Pen-tana, you just learned your first song!
* **P****en**: *Cool!* I can't wait to play it outside Pencil's room tonight.
* **Co****i****ny**: Wait, is this about winning her over again?
* **P****en**: You know?
* **Co****i****ny**: Everyone does, brah. Yeah, I don't think Pencil will like that.
* **P****en**: What are you talking about?
* **Co****i****ny**: The song I taught you was "The Star-Spangled Banner", the national anthem of the greatest country. *On Earth!*

[*Pen looks around to see who exactly he's shouting at.*]

* **P****en**: I thought you were teaching me some Liy-an Adams. I can't go to Pencil's room and sing your national anthem!
* **Co****i****ny**: Why not? It always puts me in a good mood.
* **P****en**: Coiny, I'd rather play "She Are the World" than the song of a country neither of us come from.
* **Co****i****ny**: That's right; you're from Canada. [*points at Pen's cap*] Or "America's Cap", as we say.
* **P****en**: You know what, bud? Out.
* **Co****i****ny**: *Oot*?
* **P****en**: [*pointing to the door*] Zzt!
* **Co****i****ny**: Okay, now I can take a hint, but this is my room too. You're lucky I'm hungry. Lates.

[*Coiny opens the door and accidentally bumps into* **Tree**, *who stands outside it.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Whoa, man, sorry there. Hey, Tree, you're on our team!
* **T****r****e****e**: And you're not worth much. /s

[**Coiny** *goes downstairs, laughing.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: [*leaning against the wall*] G'day, Mr. Schreiber.

[*Pen immediately jumps up.*]

* **P****en**: *Tree!* Son of a gun, you're back, and just in time too!
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeahhh...
* **P****en**: Oooh, I could just hug you for *hours!*

[*He squeezes Tree and lifts him off his feet.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, yes, keep on doing that, kid. [*pretends to cough*]
* **P****en**: I missed you so much.

[*Pen lets go. Tree looks at him strangely.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: You're looking a little different. Is everything alright?
* **P****en**: Eeyeah, everything's swell. What about you? How's Georgy?
* **T****r****e****e**: She's doing well. In fact, she recovered so quickly that I had enough time to travel around the world with Gre—a really good friend of mine.
* **P****en**: That's, that's terrific! [*smiles, looking down*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Okay, there's something wrong with you.

[*They sit on the bed.*]

* **P****en**: No, there isn't.
* **T****r****e****e**: But you looked down.
* **P****en**: I did not!
* **T****r****e****e**: You ballpoint-brained brat, just admit you're upset over the whole Pencil thing.
* **P****en**: [*pogs*] How d'you—
* **T****r****e****e**: I saw it while I was away; they somehow showed your murder on cruise ship television.
* **P****en**: Tree, I'm absolutely fine with Pencil not wanting to be with me.
* **T****r****e****e**: And she told you that?
* **P****en**: Mm-hmm, in the form of flames. [*Pause.*] Aww, who am I kiddin'; she'll never love me again! Oh-*o!*

[*Pen falls onto the bed, crying.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Frick, I can't say anything dry when you're like this! [*looks around*] If you want a shoulder to cry on, just, I don't know... lie down on El Squeaka-doodle-doo. Here, mate.

[*Tree grabs Pen's baseball squeaky toy from the ground, squeaks it twice and tosses it at Pen, who stops crying.*]

* **P****en**: Yay! [*squeak squeak*]
* **T****r****e****e**: And just stay away from Pencil. You're too good for her anyway.
* **P****en**: Thanks, boss.
* **Two**: [*calling from outside*] It's time for Cake at Stake!
* **T****r****e****e**: I've got to go. Coming?
* **P****en**: I'd rather stay here. [*Tree is about to go.*] Hey, Tree?
* **T****r****e****e**: Yes?
* **P****en**: Did ya have fun?
* **T****r****e****e**: Reckon I did.
* **Two**: *I said it's time for Cake at Stake!*
* **P****en**: That's good.
* **T****r****e****e**: It frequently is.

[*Exit* **Tree**, *giving him a friendly salute.*]

* **P****en**: See you in a few, man.

## Cake at Stake

[*Jump cut to outside. All the contestants (except Pen) walk to the Cake at Stake place, which for once isn't on the hotel roof. It will take place in the unfinished building that Two was seen working on earlier.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: I can't for the life of me understand how people let their feelings dictate their every move.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Are you angry?
* **T****r****e****e**: No, I'm fine. Perhaps it's just the shock of the moment.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What do you mean?
* **T****r****e****e**: My Gregg wouldn't just mope around and cry if his heart's been broken. No. He would stand up and fight. He would take whatever was bothering him and... [*pretending to churn butter*] grab it by the horns.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Tree, it sounds like Gregg and Pen couldn't be more different. One of them's just a very sentimental fellow, and you still have respect that, even though you're with somebody else.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And that isn't even the right gesture.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, I'm sorry. As hurtful as it is to say it, I keep forgetting I'm supposed to be friends with my ex.
* **Li****y**: I mean, you don't *have* to, but...

[*Enter* **Pencil**, *who rushes in—she has been listening intently.* **Liy** *walks ahead, not wanting to take sides.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Why the frick are you people talking about Pen?
* **T****r****e****e**: Because he is our friend and alliance member, if you should be so curious.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Stupid death-causer.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Eeeeasy, Remote.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, you know what he is to me? A piece of—
* **B****o****k**: Ooh, wow, look up at the sky!

[*Everyone looks up.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Tell me what we're meant to be looking at.
* **B****o****k**: Errr... nothing, other than the weird... whatever it is that's going on in there, heheh.

[*Amidst this tension, all of them pass Two, who greets them with a...*]

* **Two**: Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on, I haven't got all day.

[*Cake at Stake theme.*]

### **Two's Thed**

**Scene**A small, seemingly open-plan that looks like an embryonic version of a storage closet... or what people think a greenhouse looks like. The members of **The Squishy Bunch** stand at the back, while **Namely Ties** stand very awkwardly right in front of Two. **Five** is still nowhere to be seen. **Pencil**, not part of a team yet, stands with The Squishy Bunch, as she was not up for elimination.
* **Two**: Welcome, everybody, to my Thed!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Thed?
* **Golf Ball**: What is a *Thed*?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Said*, the past tense form of *say*.
* **Two**: *Thed*, Remote, not *said*. It's like a shed, but because it belongs to me, *Two*, then I am calling it a thed. Because I can. Now, can all of you please stop speaking? You're ruining my moment!
* **Winner**: Er... what moment?
* **Two**: The moment when the roof is finished!

[*Two points up. Everyone looks up and sees that the roof is being built quickly by large robots in the shape of Two.*]

* **Everyone**: Ooooooh.
* **P****i****n**: Are those robots?
* **Two**: Yes, they are, my sweet little object! [*Coiny gives Two a dirty look.*] In fact, they are my *Twobots*, who are all grown up!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Well, that's something we haven't heard in a long time.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Hold on, since when did robots grow up?
* **Winner**: And wouldn't it be easier if you magicked up the building yourself instead of letting heaps of robots do all the work?
* **Two**: Be qui— [*realizing who they are speaking to*] I mean, that's really thought-provoking. It would be truly simpler if that were the case. Thank you for bringing it up, Winner!
* **Winner**: No problem, heh.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Um, Two? Can we do Cake at Stake now?
* **Two**: Sure thing, Ball!

[*Two looks at the camera.*]

* **Two**: We got [*number*] votes today, all of which will be going to the disgraced members of Namely Ties, who lost the last contest. [*to the contestants*] If you're safe, you get these butterfly nets!
* **Co****i****ny**: [*in the back*] *Noooo! Butterfly nets!* My worst enemy, Two!

[*Beat, as everyone looks at Coiny.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Too soon?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Too weird! Get a grip, Coinster!
* **Two**: If you're not safe, you're out of the game! Do you now want to know who got the most votes in this episode?
* **Golf Ball**: Of course. According to my calculations, it would make most sense for this information to be made public at this point.
* **Two**: Well, you're in luck, Golf Ball, because you are safe with the most votes! [*number*]!

[*As they do with all the contestants declared safe, Two throws a butterfly net at Golf Ball. As usual, it hits her in the face.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Ow.
* **Two**: Also safe are... [*They toss a butterfly net to anyone whose name they call.*] Snowball... Clock... Price Tag... and Tennis Ball.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: These are some high-quality nets.

[*Spotlight effect on Winner and Basketball, the two contestants not yet declared safe.*]

* **Two**: Winner and Basketball, you two are in the bottom two. Get it? I said my name. [*Silence. Aside.*] If a number says their name outside the presence of a co-host, is that number really considered significant?
* **Winner**: Oh no, I'm in the bottom two?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You got this, Winner!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Hey!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: And I suppose you have the same chance of getting this, Basketball.
* **Two**: One of those sentences was right, while the other was completely, absolutely wrong. Basketball...
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yes?
* **Two**: You are eliminated!
* **Baske****t****ball**: But I've contributed a lot to the research efforts here! I was even semi-mentored by *Golf Ball*; oh, who else can claim they've had that opportunity in their lives?
* **Golf Ball**: [*Aside, to Tennis Ball.*] *That* is how you thank someone in academia.
* **Two**: I'm sorry, but you received the fewest votes, at [*number*]. And you should be happy; don't you remember that you were nearly eliminated at the end of the last act too?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh yeah. Then I guess this is goodbye.
* **Snowball**: Fare thee well; may the Lord thee on thy wending bless!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Thanks, Snowball! [*Aside.*] Wow, I can't believe I just said that. [*Aloud.*] *¡Adiós!*

[*Two zaps* **Basketball** *into the Filing Cabinet.*]

## Post–Cake at Stake

* **Two**: And with that, we are now down to our final fifteen.
* **Voice**: [*muffled*] Final fifteen? I love that number! Because it's so true! [*snorts*]

[*Silence.*]

### **Back of the hotel**

**Scene**Everyone quickly leaves Two's Thed as they hear the voice.
* **Golf Ball**: Don't tell me we have more set invaders! [*looks at Pencil*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ironic that you're calling *me* an invader. I'm from here, mate!
* **Two**: No, that voice. It sounds very familiar.
* **Li****y**: Yeah... it does.
* **Voice**: Hey, how do you get out of this place?

[*Camera pan to the recovery cylinder, which begins to jiggle.*]

* **Voice**: I've been stuck inside this thing for far too long, and I'd like to get out! Omg, I think the sugar rush is starting to kick in after a hundred years or so of eating or not eating popcorn!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Is that the voice, that belongs to that unknown person, to whom I brought death?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think it is.
* **Li****y**: Race you there!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Okay, but you stand in front.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You *are* the resident Swedophone, after all.
* **Li****y**: Steady on, Black Hole.

[*The contestants start to run over to the last recovery cylinder to come out of Two's nostrils.*]

* **Two**: You objects all hurry over there, while I figure out how to make this place presentable.

[*Exeunt the rest. Manent* **Tennis Ball** *and* **Golf Ball**, *who leave Two startled with their looking at them.*]

* **Two**: Still trying to figure out which young nerd to adopt, are you?
* **Golf Ball**: Ha, ha, very funny. /s But no, we want to ask you a question, just out of curiosity.
* **Two**: Is this about my intentions on this planet? Because that is as much your business as it is mine what you do in your hotel rooms!
* **Golf Ball**: Wha— we're not into that bowling applesauce!
* **Two**: Applesauce?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Codswallop.
* **Two**: Ah.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Now why did you build a shed?
* **Two**: [*correcting him*] *Thed*.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Thed.
* **Two**: I'm glad you asked! And thank you, Tennis Ball, for being one of the few people on this planet interested in my micro-motives! You see, it all started a long time ago, when—
* **Golf Ball**: This has something to do with your wanting to get Five back so he can be your co-host again, because we all know how much he loves to organize and that a Thed like this is a perfect place to do such ventures.
* **Two**: Ò! How did you know that? Are you a time traveller or something?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*off-screen*] Did someone say *time traveller*?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: No, Golf Ball's just smart.
* **Two**: And smart she is! Now run off, you two, I've got to find a way to move all our things without Five finding out.

[*Exeunt* **Golf Ball** *and* **Tennis Ball**.]

### **In front of the recovery cylinder**

**Scene**... but still in the back of the hotel. The contestants are standing outside the cylinder, waiting for it to open so that they know the true owner of that blue and yellow hand from the last episode. Enter **Tennis Ball** and **Golf Ball**.
* **Golf Ball**: What is the meaning of this?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: *This*, the thing you say when someone agrees with you.

[*Beat.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Yes.
* **P****i****n**: Oh, we're just watching this recovery cylinder.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Nobody has come out of it in a hundred days!
* **Li****y**: Whoever's in there owes it to us to give us the answers we deserve.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: For our company.

[*The cylinder begins to jiggle, but nothing comes out.*]

* **Golf Ball**: It looks as if the cylinder has been jiggling for quite a while.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: There's clearly someone inside.
* **Golf Ball**: Liy, can't you say something in your language so that whoever's in there comes out?
* **Li****y**: Hmm, I'll try. [*Aside.*] The things these people make me do... [*Aloud.*] Om du är där inne måste du ge oss de svar vi förtjänar. [*Subtitles: "If you're in there, you need to give us the answers we deserve."*]

[*Silence.*]

## Reveal

[*All of a sudden, the cylinder breaks, and who do we find making a home for themselves in there but Profille or, rather,* **Profily**.]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: I'm back, witches!

[*All gasp.*]

* **Golf Ball**: *Witches?*
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Whoever you are, that's way out of line.
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, my students may think I'm an old hag (and I'm afraid that's how they will greet me when we return home), but I am far from a witch in real life, so please, whoever you are, get your facts straight or I will turn you into a slug!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wait a minute, whoever you are... *Who even are you?*

[*Cross-talk.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: You don't know?

[*Soni exspectati, all roughly meaning "No".*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: Now that's funny. I would have assumed that a bunch of people with experience in taking part in or watching old episodes of BFB would know who I, Profille Bildsten, am.

[*Silence as Profily arrogantly crosses their arms. Everyone starts speaking at once.*]

* **Everyone**: *Ohhh, Profily!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm bored now.

[**Pencil** *walks off.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, I remember you! You claimed that you were standing next to me for all of BFDIA!
* **P****i****n**: You said you got third place in BFDI's season 1!
* **Li****y**: And you're Swedish?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: It doesn't show, does it—att jag är svensk är inte uppenbart, eller hur? [*Subtitles: "The fact that I'm a Swede isn't apparent, is it?"*]
* **Li****y**: Um, kind of *not*.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: It's not my fault my parents made me move to Africa and enter show business!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I think there are more important things at stake here, Liy.
* **Li****y**: Yeah, I guess there are. So maybe we can—
* **C****l****o****c****k**: ***Hey, Two!***
* **Two**: [*from afar*] I am furnishing my Thed! Can't it wait?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You need to see this immediately!

[**Two** *grumbles and walks over, silently ranting to nobody in particular until they stop in shock at the new visitor.*]

* **Two**: How dare he take me out of the part where I go down into my office and try to snatch all of Five's and my things when the former isn't looking, well, how dare him indeeee*eeeee!*
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Hi, hi!
* **Two**: What are you?
* **Li****y**: This is Profily.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: A rogue contestant from BFB.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Well, not just BFB. All things considered, I'd like to be a contestant on this show too, heheh!

[*Two slowly looks at the camera.*]

* **Two**: Okay, then. It is policy, after all, that all visitors to this show should end up as contestants (as unwieldy as that sounds). You're in, Profily!
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Yeah, yeah, yeah! [*jumps up and down again*] Thank you!

[*Profily pounces on Two and hugs them, like on SpongeBob.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[*Two pries Profily off their numeric membrane.*]

* **Two**: Geez-a Louisa May Alcott, you're an *object!* [*dusts themselves and speaks to the masses*] I don't think I like this new visitor. You're out.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: But you said I could compete, didn't you?
* **Two**: I did say you could, but... [*Aside, to Clock.*] Tell me the rules.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: According to the *TPOT Game Rules*... [*Everyone rolls their eyes.*] "Any visitor claiming to be a contestant in *The Power of Two* is entitled to participate, insofar as they provide evidence that they have been physically present on the set—outside a recovery cylinder—for an extended period of time to their entrance."

[*Two smiles smugly.*]

* **Two**: Mm-hmm, so that means I *can't* let you compete in my show. You haven't got any proof there!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: But wait, Two, that doesn't sound right.
* **Two**: Of course, it does! It was written by someone who writes stuff! Me!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: *No*, I remember reviewing this book just a few hours ago and seeing that the clause about recovery cylinders was not there. Did you update this book just to keep Profily out of the show?
* **Two**: Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Who cares? They can't join.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, that makes me suddenly want to take their side.
* **Contestants**: Yeah!
* **Snowball**: [*to Profily*] We outbear thee, O half-faced portrait.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Comrade Bildsten, I think you should stay here as long as possible.
* **Two**: You know what? No one likes you, Clock!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I am appalled!
* **Winner**: I'm sorry, Two, but you can't talk to my *tovarisch* like that. *We* like him, and I'm quite offended that you would make such a heinously false claim.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, don't hurt our friends!
* **Co****i****ny**: It is time for a *revolt!* *Sic semper*... wait, that's an enemy phrase. Scratch that, folks!

[*Everyone starts arguing amongst themselves until Profily jumps up.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: ***I WAS IN THE INTRO!***

[*Silence.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: It's true. And all you have to do is look up!

[*Everyone looks up to see the TPOT intro playing again. It plays as usual, but there are a few differences: the graphics are disrupted and glitched out by the appearance of Profily dancing among the contestants who strike their usual intro poses, while the main melody is muted—the 1980s-era saxophone theme has been replaced by Profily's loud vocals.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: ♫ ***La! Lalalalala lalala lalalala lalala! Lalalala lala la la! Lalala lalalala la! Lalala lalalalala! Lalala la la la laaaaa laaaa laaaaaaaaa!***  ♫ I like singing like that.

[*Fade to reality.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: So you see, Two? Wakey-wakey yourself and see that I *am* truly a part of *The Power of TwoooooooOOOOOOO—*

[*Two shushes them.*]

* **Two**: Don't do that. But... [*sigh*] I suppose I should let you into the series. [*ominously*] For a price.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: [*excited*] How much? The economy's really good right now, and I just want to—
* **Two**: Hussshhhh! Profille Bildsten... you must get eliminated in this episode.

[*All gasp.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: So, does that mean I just walk into the Filing Cabinet? 'Cause I can do that.
* **Two**: That would be the easiest way out, but...

## Pre-contest

[*Two looks at the other contestants, who look bored.*]

* **Two**: The contestants need a final challenge for the act.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Or you could just let us relax on our last day of shooting, heheh, I'd like that very much.
* **Two**: Hmmm... I've got it. [*turns around and back again*] For today's challenge, you must eliminate Profily from the game.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That doesn't seem fair!
* **Two**: Check the rules. [*updates the text of the rule book*]
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Okay, we'll do it.
* **Two**: [*happy*] Brilliant! But first... I need to get you all away from Profily so that neither team has an advantage over another.

[*Two uses their powers to separate the members of the two teams, far away from Profily.*]

* **Two**: And there you have it. Now you are both equidistant.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Now we're getting physical.
* **Golf Ball**: But that's not fair, Two! The Squishy Bunch are closer to the hotel lobby, so it is much easier for them to throw Profily into the Filing Cabinet!
* **Pr****of****il****y**: [*Aside.*] Throw?
* **Two**: No problem, then!

[*Two claps twice, and a locking sound effect can be heard.*]

* **Two**: Now the door to the Filing Cabinet is locked. Have any of you any more questions?

[*Silence.*]

* **Two**: Okay, I have to go into my office and clear the area. But for you lot, *go!*

## Contest

[*The contest begins with the members of the two teams talking with one another as Two is about to go back to their Thed. They are flagged down by Pencil, who sits within earshot of The Squishy Bunch (minus Pen).*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, Two.
* **Two**: What is it?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You've managed to put everybody but me in a team, and I've been here for exactly one episode now!
* **Two**: So?
* **P****e****nci****l**: So, I'd like to know for which team I should be competing in this show. Is it The Squishy Bunch or The Namely Ties?
* **Two**: Hmm... Since Namely Ties were up for elimination last episode, and since they've got the fewest members right now, I think it would be best if you were put in... Namely Ties!
* **B****o****k**: [*who has been listening in*] *Yes!*

[*Two and Pencil turn their heads to look at Bok.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Why the hell would you scream that, huh, Bok?
* **B****o****k**: [*sweating*] Oh, uh, er... nothing, heheh!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't tell me you're actually *cheering* at the fact that I'm not in your team!
* **B****o****k**: H'what? Me, cheering? I'm not into that kind of stereotypical stuuuuu... [*pauses and looks at her other teammates*] Please excuse me.

[**Bok** *runs into the hotel.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: That's the last thing I want: to be put in a team with those people, especially the nervy-of-late Bok and the I-don't-want-to-talk-about-him you-know-who.
* **Two**: Who?
* **P****e****nci****l**: George Cary, Two. /s
* **Two**: Worry no longer, Pencil, and allow me to let you in on a secret!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay.

[*Two leans in close to Pencil's* *ear**.*]

* **Two**: [*quietly*] I literally know how you feel...
* **P****e****nci****l**: *O*-kay, just tell me, Two!
* **Two**: Even if it is big news in the long run, the secret is... there will be no more teams after this episode.

[*Pencil pogs.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: No way, that is big news!

[*Two backs away and does some sort of pointing dance at Pencil as they do so.*]

* **Two**: Don't tell anyone!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I sure won't!
* **Two**: If you need me, I'll be in my office moving things that don't belong to me. But in the meantime, you'd better join your new teammates over there. [*points to their right, where Namely Bunch are*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right-o, Two.

[**Two** *goes into their hotel and Pencil rolls her eyes.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*nemini loquitur*] Weirdo.

### **Front of the hotel (The Squishy Bunch)**

**Scene**Interesting. We never see scenes any more where (nearly) all members of a team discuss their plans for the challenge. Consider this a retro throwback to when this show focused more on the contest. **Scene**: The six present members of The Squishy Bunch—**Black Hole**, **Coiny**, **Liy**, **Pin**, **Remote** and **Tree**—plan out the contest almost huddled together in front of the hotel.
* **Co****i****ny**: It was so cool!
* **P****i****n**: I know! I couldn't have done it better myself.

[*They both laugh.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: What are you talking about?
* **Co****i****ny**: Earlier this morning, Pin showed me this really cool finger trick. You put 'em both next to each other, like this... [*positioning his two index fingers so that they're facing each other*] and then you move them right in front of your eyes... [*moving them*] and if you squint your eyes and look toward the middle...
* **P****i****n**: It looks like a little *nem nướng!*
* **Co****i****ny**: That's what they call sausages where Pin's from. Try it out, guys!

[*Liy and Remote try it out as Coiny described it.*]

* **Li****y**: Hey, it works for me!
* **Co****i****ny**: Yay-yeah! [*high fives her*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Not for me. Curse my hyper-perfect visual acuity.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: At least you have fingers.
* **Li****y**: Black Hole, if you're hinting at something, I have my Christmas list ready!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But I don't celebrate Christmas.

[*Tree facepalms at this misdirection of events.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Okay, can we talk about the challenge now? I've got a really good idea, and I don't want our team to be up for elimination.
* **Co****i****ny**: Is this because you haven't been in the show for a while and you're worried people will forget about you?
* **T****r****e****e**: No, Coiny, I'm worried because the Filing Cabinet won't live up to my two-star expectations. /s
* **P****i****n**: Anyway, Tree, you said you have an idea, so let's hear it.
* **T****r****e****e**: Okay. I suggest we all go up to the roof. I know there's something up there that can send someone to the Filing Cabinet without having to go through the portal—a tile, wasn't it?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Right. But the last person to be eliminated via that method, was Gaty, who was sent to the Filing Cabinet on 4 August 1982.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Actually, it was August 2nd, which means it has been nearly three years since that tile has been used.
* **T****r****e****e**: Sure, but just because something hasn't been used for three years doesn't mean that it's broken. Case in fact: the overhead projector in my classroom. Nobody actually needs it any more, because they're all stuck watching new stuff on TV.

[*Meanwhile, as Tree, Remote and Black Hole are talking.*]

* **P****i****n**: [*Aside.*] I am so confused.
* **Li****y**: I usually hate it when they talk like this.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*Aloud.*] *Hey, you!* Neeerrrrrrrrds! [*puts the* L *gesture on his forehead*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Oi, we've already got our revenge!
* **Co****i****ny**: What? I wasn't insulting you! The *L* stands for Loser.
* **Li****y**: Coiny, Loser is so half a generation ago. It's the eighties now.
* **P****i****n**: That's right; how quickly we forget the show that gave our rival team its name.
* **Co****i****ny**: Damn, you're right! [*to the camera*] I never meant to forget you, Michael J. Box!
* **P****i****n**: No. No, you didn't.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*claps twice*] Up the tower thing, everyone, and quickly.
* **Co****i****ny**: On it!

[*They all go into the hotel.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wait, but we still need Bok and Pen.
* **T****r****e****e**: Uuuuoggh, I swear, if they're willingly slacking off...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Steady on, Leigh.

Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Notes

1. ↑ Why am I writing like this? They aren't even people *in humanaho*!
2. ↑ Okay, I should have been clearer in episode 2 or so: TPOT episodes are filmed live and uncut, for the entertainment of those in the Filing Cabinet and for as a reference of algebralien expatriates on Earth (so that they know how an object show should be hosted). After a few weeks or so, the footage is heavily edited for public consumption on the episode's official release date (shown at the top of every episode page). Right now, Four, X and Profily are watching the uncut version, which is why things such as angles look a bit different here than in the actual version.
3. ↑ One definition of "hyperspace" is a place where you can travel faster than the speed of light, which is technically not the case here (since light is too fast even for travelling across the world). You know what? I think I'm going to change it.
4. ↑ The italicized, upside-down version of "!" does not look good in this website's font.

**Fake TPOT** [V]