Vepturegeng (Film)/Transcript

## Split

* *[A kid tries to skateboard off a ramp but skids to a stop. The others laugh at him. Cut to the same kid trying to skateboard off of the ramp again, only for him to fall off when it lands, scraping his hands on the pavement. The kids gets up and looks at his hands.]*
* Ruffian: *[Laughing]* Damn, son, you suck!
* *[The kid gets his skateboard and leaves. Cut to another child grinding on the rail, only for him to fall off the skateboard when it lands. The kid falls to the ground and lands on his back, before getting up.]*
* Ruffian: Ah shit!
* Wendigo: These kids are hot ass, not gonna lie. *[Gets up and takes his skateboard]* Whelp, third one's the charm, third one's the charm.
* *[The kids start talking unintelligibly.]*
* Ruffian: Shut up! SHUT UP!
* *[Wendigo breaks his skateboard when he lands, upon which part of it slices from his crotch to his butt. Wendigo rolls on the blacktop, hitting his head and leaving a spot of blood on it. When he's done rolling, Wendigo is upright and covering his groin. Wendigo screams before getting up, bending over and covering his genitals.]*
* Wendigo: OH! AH! FUCK! AH! I hit my balls!
* *[Wendigo starts jumping around and bends over before crouching. Wendigo turns around and takes one of his hands off of his crotch. We cut to Wendigo's perspective and see that his palm is covered in blood, looking like he pulled his hand out of a bucket of bright red paint.]*
* Wendigo: I'm fucking bleeding. I'M FUCKING BLEEDING!
* *[Everyone gets up, including Alex, a kid in a wheelchair. Ruffian drops his beer bottle on the ground and it shatters and sprays booze all over the place.]*
* Alex: You're bleeding?
* Wendigo: I'M BLEEDING OUT OF MY FUCKING BALLS, DUDE!
* *[Wendigo gets up and tries to run away from his friend group.]*
* Apu: Hey, si'down, don run around.
* Ruffian: Can it, Free Punjabi Movies, I gotta enjoy this.
* *[Wendigo crouches over as Apu walks to him and puts his hand on Wendigo's back, upon which he lets out a dry, quiet scream. Wendigo gets up and walks away, still clasping his crotch.]*
* Alex: Call 911.
* Freezer: We gotta check, at least call JoJo--
* Ruffian: NO!
* Freezer: We gotta check.
* Wendigo: *[Walking offscreen]* They're coming down.
* Freezer: We at least gotta check.
* Kindergartner #1: Come on, check 'em.
* *[Cut to Wendigo trying to walk away, crying.]*
* Alex: Dude, no, it's part of your leg, you cut it.
* Wendigo: *[Wendigo turns around and moans.]* NO, I'M BLEEDING!
* Kindergartner #2: Out of your fucking balls?
* Ruffian: Dude, your balls suck if they're bleeding from that.
* Freezer: Hey, I need you to go check--
* Kindergartner #1: Check your balls!
* Kindergartner #2: Check your fucking balls, dude!
* Freezer: Yeah, I need you go check 'em out, okay?
* Kindergartner #1: CHECK YOUR BALLS!
* *[Everyone crowds around Wendigo and starts chanting.]*
* All: Check your balls! CHECK YOUR BALLS! Check your balls! CHECK YOUR BALLS! Check your balls! CHECK YOUR BALLS! Check your balls!
* Alex: Hey man, hey man, let's go check 'em.
* *[A kid starts skateboarding towards Wendigo, who points away and yells at him.]*
* Wendigo: Don't check my balls, no!
* Kindergartner #1: Dude, don't fucking roll it, don't fucking roll it.
* *[The kids start following Wendigo again as he tries to walk away.]*
* Alex: Is it bad?
* Wendigo: *[Standing in a bush, trying to hide his legs.]* It's so bad, FUUUUU!!!
* Kindergartner #2: Call an ambulance!
* Ruffian: No dude, ambulances are expensive.
* Kindergartner #2: What, so we let him die?
* Ruffian: Exactly, let him die.
* Apu: No!
* *[Half of the kids start chanting again as Wendigo bends over and sobs.]*
* Kids: Let him die! LET HIM DIE! Let him die! LET HIM DIE! Let him die! LET HIM DIE! Let him die! LET HIM DIE! Let him die! LET HIM DIE! Let him die!
* Wendigo: I don't wanna die!
* Alex: Dude, you're not gonna die.
* Freezer: Get out of there! Look, dude, we're gonna be cool about it, you just gotta show us.
* Wendigo: Dude, it's straight, it's straight in my nut.
* *[Ruffian laughs hysterically. The kids start crowding around Wendigo.]*
* Ruffian: Wait, ah, fuck.
* Freezer: No homo, dude, I just gotta help you.
* *[The kids start looking at Wendigo's wound. We cut to the injury; blood is stained all over Wendigo's butt and there is a gash between the buttocks. Somehow, Wendigo's testicles were reduced to the organs, which hang from the nerve.]*
* Freezer: You're not gonna have kids.
* Wendigo: Shut the fuck up, fool! *[Wendigo cries, upon which Freezer hugs him awkwardly as Ruffian takes a photo of them with his phone.]*
* Alex: Hey, hey Wendigo, did anything go inside?
* Ruffian: Dude, it's, his, his balls are like fudge, it went through, like, his ass and his balls at least.
* *[Wendigo moans and cries.]*
* Alex: So you mean like the gooch?
* Ruffian: It went past his gooch, freed the stuff inside his balls and tore him a new anus.
* Kindergartner #1: Did it hit his fucking balls?
* Wendigo: *[After moaning and sobbing.]* No, stop, it hurts so fucking bad!
* Freezer: Dude, fucking chill. Be chill.
* Wendigo: I'm scared.
* Freezer: Don't be scared, don't be scared, don't be scared.
* Wendigo: I'm scared, fool!
* *[Freezer crouches down and looks at Wendigo's injury.]*
* Freezer: It's fine, it's fine.
* Wendigo: I feel like I'm a... bit scared.
* *[Kindergartner #1 walks over to Alex.]*
* Alex: Did you see what that fall looked like?
* Kindergartner #1: Yeah.
* Alex: Did the crash get everything, dude? That's some death shit, scarred at least.
* *[A kid tries to approach Wendigo but gets pushed away, Wendigo leans against a tree.]*
* Freezer: Dude, he fucking--
* Alex: He literally... he guy needs stitches.
* *[Wendigo tries to walk away as a kid approaches him.]*
* Alex: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's bad, it's bad.
* Ruffian: Shit between his balls?
* Alex: Yeah, yeah, it's like, split.
* Wendigo: *Screams in agony* OW!!!
* *[A kid tries to follow him.]]*
* Kindergartner #1: Split between his balls?
* Alex: Yeah, dude, it's split, it's like, through his balls and his ass. [*Whispering*] Like, his gooch, he kinda hit it and he split it, butt and balls, too.
* Ruffian: A pebble?
* Alex: Like, he's gonna, he's gonna need stitches.
* Apu: Wait, how bad was it hurt?
* Alex: It's jacked-- like, dude, it's bleeding.
* Kindergartner #2: Is it deep? Is it like... deep?
* Alex: Yeah, it looks like... it looks like he sliced off the sack.
* *[Everyone turns around.]*
* Kindergartner #1: I think you need to go to the doctor.
* Wendigo: Like, Ock E.R.?
* Alex: Yes, dude, you gotta get that shit checked out.
* Wendigo: No, no!
* Kindergartner #1: Yes, dude, yes! You gotta get that shit checked out.
* Ruffian: Wait, hold on!
* Freezer: We need to go, Wendigo, it'd be the best thing to do.
* *[Wendigo awkwardly waddles towards them with his hands on his crotch.]*
* Wendigo: Hertz Medical?
* Alex: Yes, Wendigo, we all have to go once in a time.
* Wendigo: I don't... no, no, no, no.
* Freezer: I've gone before.
* Kindergartner #1: Tell your dad I as--
* Ruffian: Hey, we should film the emergency room, dude.
* *[Wendigo walks up to Ruffian, who is filming the event on his phone.]*
* Wendigo: Hey, hey, turn off your fucking phone right now, dude.
* *[Wendigo walks away and covers his face.]*
* Kindergartner #2: Hey, let him call his dad really quickly.
* Freezer: Holy fuck, dude, let's go see Vince really quick.
* *[Wendigo walks behind a metal fence and screams.]*
* Wendigo: OW, dude! It kinda hurts.
* Ruffian: Watch, you gotta go see that.
* *[Wendigo gives Alex his phone]*
* Wendigo: Call 8675-309 now!

## Shit

* Gunner: So, yo're hooking me up wit' dis Carpenter bitch or something.
* Bomber: I really think this bitch is yo' type honestly, she seems kind o' nerdy n' shit... n' she's hot, obviously.
* Gunner: Like, how hot? We talking anime girl hot?
* Bomber: Bitch is like Senran Kagura or whatever, I don't know, thug, yo're the one who plays all that shit.
* *[They're inside.]*
* Gunner: Bomber, I don't think I'm impressing her asshole so far. Dis conversation is way too vanilla, what do I do?
* Bomber: I don't know, Gunner, break a leg or something, try ta impress her ass I guess. Bitch loves bad boys or something like that.
* Logan: Nah, man, you've heard of it right?
* Marion: Yeah.
* Robin Carpenter: That's banned, dude.
* *[Gunner turns around and jumps, before thrusting his butt in front of Robin's face.]*
* Bomber: N\*\*\*a, no!
* *[A loud, sickly squish is heard.]*
* Marion: Oh my god.
* Logan: Oh, I thought that shit totally smelled, oh.
* Robin Carpenter: For a second I thought you just pooed your pants, that smells.
* Logan: He DID poop his pants!
* Marion: Oh god.
* *[Gunner walks away from the table, looking impressed with himself. Gunner turns around and faces Logan.]*
* Logan: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU SHITTER!!!
* *[Gunner opens the door and starts to leave but looks back one last time.]*
* Gunner: Yo' girl has fat tits.
* Logan: GET OUT!!!
* *[Gunner smiles and exits the Carpenters' apartment, closing the door on the way out.]*
* Bomber: Well shit, that went poorly. What the fuck were yo' thinking, brother, shitting in her asshole like that?
* Gunner: Yo' told me ta impress her asshole, do something the bitch wouldn't expect. What was I supposed ta do, Mr. Guidance?