I Bet You Didn't Know I Was Dangerous

For the third time, Violet Park tried to raise her hand to knock on the door to the panic room, but found it didn’t want to move. In her short time with the Big Team, she had fought wolves, spider-people, nightmare demons and her own sinister counterpart. But what lay beyond was the kind of conflict that always seemed to find her ill-prepared or off-balance.

She took a deep breath, and managed to summon the courage to rap three times on the door  to the panic room. A long silence followed, and she cursed herself for a fool. *There’s no way she can hear me in there.*

She raised her hand to the palm-sensor.

*“Identity Recognized!”* One of GAIA’s subprocesses chirped. *“Park, Violet; Access Granted.”*

A green light went on. A thick, heavy metallic door, fortified with exotic materials swung open with a hiss as the air-pressure equalized.

High pitch pop tunes poured from the interior.

“Nat? Are you in there?” Violet asked, already very well aware of the answer.

“Oh!” Nat trips a little, halfway through the choreography for a dance routine she has pulled up on her phone. “Hi, Violet! What’s up?” She reaches to pause the video on her phone. Nat hasn’t seen a lot of Violet since they got back from the fae forest, which she can definitely understand, but she also can’t help being a little excited that Violet sought *her* out this time. Operation: Friendship is clearly still a go!

“I just wanted to see if you were-- that is--- are you OK?” Violet mumbled, clearing her throat. Her abilities allowed her dodge bullets and laser-fire, capabilities she was aggressively employing to avoid making eye contact.

Nat blinks. “Yeah?” She bites her lip and shifts her weight a bit, unsure how to broach the topic. She knows Violet is probably asking about their last mission, but that’s...not really an easy answer. “I mean, you didn’t really hurt me or anything.”

“I-- I could have, though.” Violet swallowed, a nervous habit. “If A-Vis hadn’t been there… ” *If A-Vis hadn’t been there to pull me out again.* “I’m -- I’m so, so sorry, Nat.”

“But he *was* there.” Nat steps closer, reaching out to try and take Violet’s hand again. “Look, I won’t lie to you and say what happened doesn’t bother me at all. It was scary when it was happening! Of course it was! But I lose control of my power all the time. Okay, well, not *all* the time, but.” Nat shrugs. “If I started worrying about what might have happened any of those times I’d never have any peace. And I’m not going to let the fact that you scared me a little one time get in the way of being your friend! I like you, Violet, that’s why I ask you to hang out so much.” She smiles. “An accident doesn’t change that, you know?"

“It’s not the same, and you know it.” Violet can dodge laser fire, and she’s even less comfortable with personal contact. Her hand isn’t there to be found…she reflexively shifts in advance to dodge  by the slightest of margins. She even contrives to make it look nonchalant.

“When you lose control it’s…. Like your powers are a weapon. If you aim wrong, you miss a shot. It’s dangerous, an accident, but you don’t turn and fire on your team. That’s stuff you can constrain, you can control. Pick your engagements, avoid using them when there’s a risk, train to focus. With me-- ”  she shakes her head. “They intended me to be a weapon. And… I guess I’m not as free of that as I might have hoped.”

“Violet, I can’t reliably avoid using my powers to *sing Happy Birthday*, let alone pick my engagements on a mission,” Nat points out. “I’m practicing in the panic room for a reason. And I can’t aim at all, let alone choose not to fire on my team. I get that it wasn’t *exactly* an accident, but it also wasn’t something *you* chose to do! You got hit really hard and you lost control. One time I lost control because I saw a hit *coming* and got scared, and I almost brought down the whole building we were in. You can’t tell me nobody on our side would have gotten hurt then.” She sighs. “That was the day Boon lost their powers. And I didn’t talk to them for weeks afterward because I was so scared they’d blame me, because I could have stopped it from happening if I’d had shielding, but I was too busy destroying the place because I was scared. My point is, I don’t think the situations are as different as you think they are.”

“I chose to get hit! I saw the blow coming for Melody, and I saw how it was going to land! I chose to put myself in that position to get hit instead, place myself where I wasn’t fast enough, or strong enough unless I-- unless I let go. And I didn’t want to, but I clearly didn’t hold on tight enough.” Violet looks away from Nat entirely here. “I keep telling people this *happens*, telling them what I am and they never seem to believe me. Tay says it’s why we only go out in squads of four or five, just in case, and it’s why I don’t go out alone at all-- not ever-- but we were separated from the others just five minutes before!”

Nat draws a hand down her face and sighs. “I - look. I know. I thought about how we were alone earlier too. It doesn’t not bother me! But I also don’t want to dwell on it! Look, Violet, I really think you’re overthinking it. I wasn’t thinking about it at all until now and that was working great! Have you tried that?” Her tone is a bit higher now, a bit nervous, but not accusatory. She’s just not sure what to say, and she’s not lying about not wanting to think about the what-ifs.

“Yes!” Violet shouts, a luxury she knew Nat was not allowed. “I was trying really *really hard* not to think about it, and then one day I went blank for fifteen seconds and woke up with my best friend’s throat in my hand!”

“I-” Nat flinches back a hair when Violet raises her voice, but then freezes. After a beat, her entire body language changes. She rocks forward again, eyes wide and one hand to her mouth, and breaks into a huge smile. *“Best friend?”* Her voice shoots upward in pitch, openly delighted. “I’m your best friend?”

“Maybe. Sort of?” the mumbling returns and Violet thrusts her hands defensively into her pockets, avoiding even looking in Nat’s direction at this point. “I dunno. I mean. We’ve been to other dimensions and the bottom of the sea and to a sleepover together. Counts for something? I guess. I confide in Jason. Boon I owe. Melody and Tay I look up to. Ernest and A-Vis…. A little more complicated. But … You always treat me like a person, you know?”

Nat frowns. “Why wouldn’t I treat you like a person? You *are* a person. Does anyone here not treat you like a person?” Her frown deepens. “Who? What did they say? I’ll talk to them.”

“No! I mean-- you act like you don’t understand how dangerous I can be! Like I’m not likely to …. snap at any second and… and do what happened in the forest!” Violet gestures, removing a single frustrated hand from its pocket. “I-- you have to understand that, I can’t risk you being close and getting hurt!”

“What, so you don’t get friends?” Nat scoffs. “Is this about what you deserve or don’t deserve again? Like with the nightmares thing? We’re *all* dangerous, Violet, we’re *superheroes!* What *happened* that you think you don’t get to have friends ever again? Because as far as I can tell you’re the only person who thinks you’re obligated to pay for it the rest of your damn life.” She crosses her arms, face stubbornly set. “I’m not going to stop being your friend because *you* decided it was too much of a risk.”

“You know what happened. At least the broad strokes.” Violet shakes her head in frustration.  “You *know* why I’ll never be able to make that right if I spend my whole life trying, and you *know* why that means it’s not safe to be near me. You’re doing that thing again, where you… just *decide* on something, and then you make reality bend to it, and you’ll avoid or ignore anything that gets in the way of how you’ve already made up your mind.”

Nat throws up her hands. “Well, what do you want me to do? Agree that you don’t get friends because you were forced to do something terrible? Stay away from someone I like because she has powers? I’ve made up my mind that *I’m your friend!* What can worrying about what *might* happen possibly do? I could shout at you right now and hurt you, too, am *I* a scary monster?!” Her voice wavers a little on that last bit; she’s worried she *is.* If Violet is right, and having powers you can’t control means you’re too dangerous for other people to risk being around you, then surely that applies to Nat as well. It’s part of why she avoids thinking too hard about how dangerous Violet is or isn’t.

“No,” Violet says after a pause. “You couldn’t.”

“I *couldn’t?”* Nat repeats, genuinely baffled. “The other night you saw me sing so loud they heard about it *in the dream dimension,* I - I mentioned earlier that I almost leveled a building by accident, right? Or the time I crashed straight through a cement wall on that mission I went on with the missing dogs? I can seriously hurt you! People are scared of me, too! Even Mel is scared of me!” She starts to pace a little part way through her spiel. “You’re smarter than that, don’t accuse *me* of just ignoring facts I don’t like if you’re gonna do the same thing.”

“I don’t…. want to downplay how hard it is for you to be in-control. To keep your voice in check every moment of every day. To practice singing in a secure vault lined with two feet of --- duraniam matrix-hardened steel, from my guess, if not something even more exotic. And it’s valid for people to be scared of you.” She sighs. “But, no, I don’t think you could hurt me. Not from short range.” she says, actually taking note of the Panic Room’s surroundings for the first time, before offering helpfully, “Maybe in a city-leveling accident?”

Nat takes a deep breath, visibly counting to ten in her head. “Okay, so. You’re totally on board with me being able to level a city. You know I can seriously damage people’s hearing, and that that can put them on the ground, because you saw me do it the other day to that Hottie guy. So I’ll repeat my question: why are you so different? Why aren’t you ignoring me being dangerous, but I’m ignoring you being dangerous? I know the broad strokes of what happened, but you act like you’re the fucking Zodiac killer.” She pauses for a second. “Wait. This team collectively, like, takes the concept of linear time and wads it up into a ball and uses it for a pickup basketball game. *Are* you the fucking Zodiac killer?”

“Yeah, I know what you can do to hearing, some of it first-hand. And yes, I know you can put people out,” Violet nods. “And no, I’m *not* the Zodiac killer,” she sighs. “I’m not ignoring how dangerous you can be. I’m doing what I was…. What I was *designed* to do, I’m assessing a threat.” Violet winces, remembering what happened in the forest. “You don’t…. You don’t know how to fight, Nat. Like, at all.”

“Okay, true, but like, you’ve seen my moats.” Nat shrugs. “Most of the time I don’t *have* to fight because stuff can’t get through the sound barrier to me in the first place. Also, I’ve seen you take down people who do know how to fight, so it doesn’t seem like it would change much if I’d taken karate instead of tap dancing when I was eight?”

“You need a breath,”  Violet frowns, after a pause indicating she thought this was obvious.
“You need about two thirds of a second *after* you decide to act to really hurt someone. A little longer for a moat-- you usually take a full intake of breath before you throw them up. You wouldn’t need to beat me in hand to hand combat-- your powers are always going to be one of your biggest assets-- but you’d need to last long enough to shout.”

“Okay, so maybe you have a point there.” Nat sighs. “Are you offering to teach me, then? Might as well learn from the best, if I’m going to.” She brightens again and claps her hands. “Oh, I can teach you singing stuff too, if you want? I know music can be tough for you but you don’t freeze when I sing like you do, uh, other times. Can I ask...is that something the Crimson Circle used to make you do things? Is that why it trips you up so bad?”

For about half a second, Violet was optimistic; this could work, right? Cadenza’s powers were pretty fast, and had broad areas of effect;  they’re relatively hard for someone like Weaver to dodge-- if she could just teach Nat some basics, maybe she’d be safe *enough* that what happened couldn’t ever happen again. Violet wanted pretty badly to ensure she could never hurt the people she cared about.

But… then music.

“No. At least not directly, not like the command codes.” she sighs, wincing a little at some unpleasant memories “I don’t know if it was punishment, or … to remove a distraction, or … just to make room in my brain for all the other things they were trying to cram in there. It’s…. something they took away.”

“So then it’s something you liked before,” Nat says. “Okay, well, I can see why it would upset you, not to...be a musician anymore. Like, symbolically. But, if you had things you liked before, you could maybe try some of them again and see if you like them still?” Nat’s visibly uncertain, chewing on her lower lip and rambling a little. “I mean, maybe it would help, maybe it wouldn’t, I don’t know, but...it’s good for you to have things you like, you know? And it can be hard to tell if you have stuff like that right now? So maybe we could try? Or you could try on your own, I don’t know. I’m gonna shut up now.”

“It’s… weird. I don’t even *know* what I like anymore. They overwrote me pretty thoroughly.” Violet laughs a little, bitterly, reflecting on how she admires Nat for always seeming to know exactly what she wants. “But either way, I sound terrible. That thing I had that let me play-- it just isn’t there now. Even if I tried to relearn how, built-up the muscle memory again, I’d never even be close.”

“Have you tried?” Nat asks, frowning. “Or, have you tried other things you liked before? You don’t have to be exactly the same person you were, obviously, but I feel like if you want to leave things like music behind it should be *your* choice. I know it’s not that simple, but…” She trails off, shrugging a little helplessly. “You can tell me if I’m being stupid. You just seem so sad most of the time. I wanna help, is all.”

“ ‘m fine.” Violet tries pulling into herself for a second. She’s supposed to be cool and withdrawn!

A beat passes awkwardly, before she remembers why she came down here in the first place.Her usual way of coping with things wasn’t an option.

Nat wasn’t wrong; Violet wasn’t good at reconnecting to things she liked before, or finding new ones-- finding that core of self that says I like this, but not *this*. It left her feeling thin, hollow. 'Not like a person.’ She wanted to open up, wanted to explain, but they were beginning to hit the places where she didn’t have the right words. “It’s… like….I woke up in the morning and I was someone else. Didn’t look the same. Didn’t move the same. Didn’t like the same things. Didn’t…. *react* with the same emotions. Had a whole bunch of memories about bad things I’ve done, things that horrify me ....” She drifts off.

Nat reaches for Violet’s hand again. “That sounds terrifying. I just...I don’t know. I feel like, you know, you’re out now, you know? And so you can try stuff again. Doesn’t have to be the same stuff, like I said. But you didn’t choose any of what happened! So you should get to choose things now.” Abruptly Nat blinks, drops Violet’s hand (assuming she got it in the first place), and takes half a step back. “I don’t want to force you or anything. Just an idea, you know, if you wanted me to help with...whatever.”

“Maybe. I dunno.” Violet nods. “It’s kind of a mess. The things I find myself enjoying, the ones that get my heart pumping and make me feel alive-- they’re also the ones that make me feel the most like… what they wanted me to be.” Nat’s offer was compelling, but Violet wasn’t ready to confront that yet.

“It would be nice to go back, but I don’t think I can. But…” She looks at Nat, “I DO want to … try and make it safer for you. You know. In the field?”  She leaves out: *in case*. But it’s definitely there.

Nat nods, seeming relieved to be on slightly firmer conversational ground. “Okay. We can do that. You’re right, it’s a good idea. I’ve had people catch me without a moat before.” *Besides you* is also left out, but is definitely there.

“Moats? Is that what you call your sound-walls?” Violet nods “OK. How well can the Gym withstand your voice? Or the Danger Room?” She looks around the panic room. It’s case-hardened, built to hold things out, but it’s not a great environment for training.

“Uhhhh.” Nat scratches the back of her neck. “I usually break at least part of the Danger Room, if I get loud. GAIA keeps saying it’s fine, though, so we could go there?”

They do!

“I want to start by showing you how to do a proper stance. Can you show me how you stand in a fight?”  Violet asks.

Nat thinks for a moment, and then tries to imitate what she’s seen Violet do. She stands with her feet shoulder-width apart, weight forward on the balls of her feet, and puts her hands up kind of like a boxer. Her legs are absolutely too straight, her knees locked, and her face is more confused than focused. “Um, like this?”

“Well, they’re shoulder-width apart, that’s a good start? Bend your knees, you need to be able to pivot, chin down, hands up higher-- you’re guarding your head. A little higher. And turn your feet, they’re facing forward right now, you need to -- ”

Violet gave a long low exhalation.

“This…. This could take a bit.”