We Can't Stop vs. Come & Get It

*Todd plays "We Can't Stop" on the piano...*

***MILEY CYRUS - WE CAN'T STOP***

*...holds the chord...*

***AND***

*...then plays "Come & Get It"*

***SELENA GOMEZ - COME & GET IT
A pop song(s) review***

**Todd**: Today I break new ground in comedy—I'm gonna make fun of former child stars. Yeah, yeah, it's about time someone took them down a peg, right?

*Intro to* 50 Cutest Child Stars: All Grown Up
**Todd (VO)**: Now there are basically two career options for the former child star. 1., *[promo pic for* Lizzie McGuire*]* disappearance from the public eye, or 2., *[picture of Lindsay Lohan]* complete implosion. There is also a third option—continued fame and success.

**Todd**: I...I know, right? If this was an option, you'd think more people would take it, right? I don't know how they keep ending up back at Door #2.

*Quick promo for Disney channel*
**Todd (VO)**: But today, we're gonna look at two former teen actresses who actually seem to be continuing down that path to fame and fortune. *[Intros to...]* One is the former Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus; *[and* Wizards of Waverly Place*]* the other is the former future Mrs. Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez. *[Clips of Selena Gomez - "Tell Me Something I Don't Know" and Miley Cyrus in concert]* Now for most of their adolescence, the Disney Corporation owned their careers, their lives, and probably most of their major organs. But now that Uncle Walt no longer has them under his cryogenically frozen thumb, these two are out to prove that they're not little girls anymore.

**Todd**: No, they're out to scream to the world...

*Brief clip of The Lonely Island - "Threw It on the Ground"*
**Andy Samberg**: I'm an adult!
**Todd**: And as always, declaring that you're an adult means being...

*Clevver Music's video of Miley Cyrus*
**Todd (VO)**: ...openly sexual and partying, which is exactly what you imagine being an adult is about if you're still a goddamn kid.

**Todd**: But you can't really blame them though.

**Todd (VO)**: Child stars in general have horrible childhoods, especially at the Disney Corporation, which leads to an all-too-predictable acting out *[brief clips of Britney Spears - "I'm a Slave 4 U" and Christina Aguilera - "Dirrty"]* and a delayed teenage rebellion period. Even *[clip of "22" by...]* Taylor Swift had something like that.

**Taylor Swift**: I don't know about you
But I'm feeling 22
**Todd**: Granted, Taylor Swift's version sounds like the Kidz Bop version of "Tik Tok", but still.

**Todd**: So, to understand where these girls are going, you have to understand where they've been. Now...

*[Clips from* Hannah Montana*]*
**Todd (VO)**: ...both these young stars launched their careers in Disney sitcoms, neither of which I'm really familiar with because I'm not some...

**Todd**: ...goddamn pervert who ogles underage girls on crappy Disney shows! Pfft. Now, I have tangled with the Hannah Montana phenomenon several times before.

*Clip from* Hannah Montana: The Movie
**Hannah**: Pop it, lock it, polka-dot it
**Todd**: Yeah. But I actually never watched more than five minutes of the show.

*Opening of* Wizards of Waverly Place
**Todd (VO)**: And I actually know next to nothing about *Wizards of Waverly Place*, the show Selena Gomez was on. I guess I really should find out something about them, just so I know what I'm actually talking about. You know, these...these girls and their careers and how their personas have evolved over several seasons, and...

**Todd**: As it turns out, I can watch basically the entirety of both series on Netflix, so...you know, out of obligation, if...if you'll excuse me here, I'm just gonna go educate myself on the subject.

*Gets up and leaves*

*Clip from* Wizards of Waverly Place *- "Crazy 10-Minute Sale"*
**Justin (David Henrie)**: Edgebonoutoosis!
*[Waves wand at rabbit, creating a duplicate]*
**Jerry (David DeLuise)**: Good. Real rabbit, duplicate...rabbit. No, duplicate rabbit, real...it's... anyway, there's two now.
*Comes back and sits*

**Todd**: Okay, that's enough. I don't need to know that badly, I think I got the idea.

*Clip of Miley Cyrus - "Can't Be Tamed"*
**Todd (VO)**: Look, it doesn't matter. All you need to know is that they were cute little girls, and now they wanna be treated as adults. Miley hasn't been very productive lately, but has stayed in the tabloids for doing all sorts of *scandalous things,* like *[Huffington Post article: "Miley Cyrus Scandals: Singer's Most Controversial Moments"]* partying, wearing skimpy outfits...

**Todd**: And basically acting like any other rich kid in LA.

**Todd (VO)**: It's almost as if she's reacting to *[clip from* Hannah Montana: The Movie*]* having a phony identity forced upon her, and then when she tried to shed that identity, she was shoved back into it by the force of public opinion.

**Todd**: Huh.

*Clips from* Spring Breakers
**Todd (VO)**: Selena Gomez seems to be reacting the same way, and for her, the big entry into adulthood was finding the guy who directed *Trash Humpers* and making a movie with him—a raunchy, washed-out, grim descent into substance abuse and debauchery.

**Todd**: And as it turns out, Miley Cyrus made one of those too.

*Video for "We Can't Stop"*
**Todd (VO)**: That would be the music video for her latest single, "We Can't Stop". Let's take a look, shall we?

*[Clips of weird imagery from the video, such as a girl cutting off fake fingers in the kitchen, a skull made out of french fries, a man with smoke emerging from his crotch, and a computer-animated Michael Myers mask pulsating to the music. Cut to Todd staring and then tilting his head in befuddlement]*
**Miley**: Can't you see it's we who 'bout that life?
And we can't stop
And we won't stop
We run things, things don't run we
...
gonna go all night
...light, alright
So la da di da di
We like to party
Dancing with Molly
**Distorted**: It's our party we can do what we want
It's our party we can say what we want
It's our party we can love who we want
*Todd's phone rings. He answers*

**Samara**: *[whisper]* Seven days

*Todd hangs up*

**Todd**: It's the landlord. I got to pay the rent. Anyway, this is really, really bad.

**Todd (VO)**: I'm not even talking about the video, I mean the song. This is honestly the *saddest* attempt at a party anthem I've ever heard.

**Todd**: And when I say "sad," I mean that literally.

**Todd (VO)**: As in, not happy. Depressed. Despondent.

**Todd**: Glum.

**Todd (VO)**: This is a party song for after the party has died and you should've gone home hours ago. And the video is a pretty good match for it. It's cold, it's joyless, and it's proof that the "Bad Romance" video is incredibly hard to recreate.

**Todd**: But, at least, it has gotten people talking. It climbed as high as #2.

**Todd (VO)**: This is one of the few times where shallow provocation actually seems to be paying off. I haven't watched the video for Selena Gomez's latest single, but...

**Todd**: ...there's no way it can top that.

*Video for "Come & Get It". An eagle stares at the camera, and a lightning storm jars Todd. Followed by seductive clips involving Selena with a man and laying down in a field.*
**Todd**: Wow. *[Lightning crashes again over more weighty imagery of eagles and fire dances]* Wow! Holy crap.

**Selena**: You ain't gotta worry, it's an open invitation
I'll be sittin' right here, real patient
**Todd**: Oh, right, I forgot, this is the most boring song in the universe.

**Todd (VO)**: I'll be honest, I have not the slightest idea what the appeal of Selena Gomez is beyond the fact that she's cute and she's a Disney princess. Unless you're a preteen girl or a preteen-girl-ogling weirdo, I don't see why you would actually be interested in her. I mean...that's the appeal, right? That she looks like a fourth-grader or a *[caricature of...]* life-size walking Bratz doll. Because other than that, she's not a very good performer, and this is her worst song yet. In fact...

**Todd**: ...they're both awful. They're both awful, awful songs. They're probably...

**Todd (VO)**: ...the worst popular songs out right now. But as you can tell, they're awful in completely different ways and reflect different attitudes on how Miley and Selena...

**Todd**: ...wanna make awful music as awful adult performers. Which awful way is better?

**Todd (VO)**: Okay, let's look at the lyrics. Miley's song is about...

**Miley**: Red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere
Hands in the air like we don't care
**Todd (VO)**: Uh, well...she parties. She's clearly trying to be shocking with how much dirty, sexy partying she's doing. Again, this would be more effective if this song had any kind of edge to it musically instead of just sounding wistful and morose. The song it reminds me the most of is *[clip of...]* Katy Perry's lost-love ballad, "The One That Got Away".

**Katy Perry**: In another life
I would be your girl
**Todd (VO)**: Except *that* song had a stronger beat and was more fun and exciting.

**Todd**: And what is Selena singing about?

**Selena**: You got the kind of love that I want, let me get that. (Let me get that yeah)
**Todd (VO)**: She wants you. She's ready for love.

**Todd**: Not in, like, a sexy way, nothing more than G-rated.

**Todd (VO)**: Just in a nice, unspecific kind of way. She's just ready for ya, just sitting around, waiting passively.

**Todd**: Probably just, you know, twiddling her thumbs.

**Todd (VO)**: Quite honestly, this doesn't sound anything different from the stuff she made when she was still with Disney.

**Selena**: When you're ready come and get it
Na na na na
Na na na na
Na na na na
When you're ready come and get it
Na na na na
Na na na na
Na na na na
**Todd (VO)**: I...I love how the chorus is just the same one line repeated over and over again without even changing the melody of it.

**Selena**: When you're ready come and get it
Na na na na
Na na na na
Na na na na
**Todd (VO)**: Truly a creative masterpiece.

**Todd**: And what I *really* love about this song is how Selena sings without giving off even the slightest hint of desire, excitement, eagerness, or *any* emotion whatsoever.

**Todd (VO)**: I guess it's kind of hard to sing about love convincingly when your only experience with it is dating a *[picture of Justin Bieber]* prepubescent eunuch. Now that I listen...well, wait a minute. What's with the accent?

**Selena**: And baby once I get it, I'm yours no take backs.
**Todd (VO)**: Is...

**Todd**: Wait a minute, this whole song is a giant Rihanna ripoff!

*[Intercut clips with Rihanna songs, starting with "Pon De Replay"...]*
**Rihanna**: Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay
**Selena**: Na na na na
*..."S&M"...*
**Rihanna**: Na na na
**Selena**: Na na na
*..."What's My Name" ft. Drake...*
**Rihanna**: Oh na na na
**Selena**: Ay-ay-ay-ay
*..."Umbrella" ft. Jay-Z...*
**Rihanna**: Eh eh eh
**Selena**: Hate the way I love you
*..."Hate That I Love You" ft. Ne-Yo*
**Rihanna**: Hate that I love you
**Todd (VO)**: She even changed her accent. I think she's even trying to *look* like Rihanna. Holy crap, did someone out there *[brief clip of Rihanna - "Stay"]* think we didn't have enough Rihanna songs?

**Todd**: We've got enough.

*Brief clip of "Rude Boy"*
**Todd (VO)**: And Rihanna's actually not a very good singer technically, but she has personality, dammit!

**Selena**: I'm not too shy to show I love you
**Todd (VO)**: This song's so bland. Let's go...

**Todd**: ...back to the other one. Let's have some fun!

**Miley**: So la da di da di
We like to party
Dancing with Molly\*
Doing whatever...
*Todd lets out a sigh*

**Todd (VO)**: God, this song. Alice in Chains made more good-time party songs than this. I mean, listen.

**Miley**: If you're not ready to go home
Can I get a "Hell, no!"?
**Todd**: Is it just me, or did no one respond to that call and answer?

**Miley**: Can I get a "Hell, no!"?
**Todd**: *[only crickets chirping]* I think I heard, like, one person say something in the background...maybe?

**Miley**: To my home girls here with the big butt
Shaking it like we at a strip club
Remember only God can judge ya
Forget the haters...
**Todd**: Yeah, yeah, yeah, about that friend of yours.

**Todd (VO)**: Does she *know* you're calling her a stripper with a big butt?

**Todd**: That seems kind of judgmental in itself, you know, calling her a fat stripper. I think she might object to that first.

**Todd (VO)**: And speaking of judging people by their outfits, I understand there has been some controversy over what Selena's wearing too. See, there's been some talk that Selena Gomez is not an Indian, so it's insensitive for her to be wearing that Bollywood getup that she's got on there. But that's where you're wrong. Selena Gomez, *[clip from* High School Musical 3*]* like many of the Disney cast, is *all* nationalities, having been carefully grown in a lab from a DNA mixture of every ethnicity for mass demographic appeal. Otherwise, a Hispanic person wearing Indian clothing and using a phony Caribbean accent, just...can you imagine?

**Todd**: That would just be stupid.

**Todd (VO)**: Well, I don't think it's *trying* to be offensive; unlike Miley, who definitely is and failing. Who cares? Me personally, I do not have it in me to be shocked anymore by pop singers doing the *Girls Gone Wild* shtick. I...I've seen it a billion times. I've already seen it with Miley, for Christ's sakes, so...so what?

**Todd**: What exactly is supposed to be shocking about this?

**Miley**: And everyone in line in the bathroom
Trying to get a line in the bathroom
**Todd**: *[beat]* Holy shit, that was a straight-up cocaine reference.

**Miley**: Trying to get a line in the bathroom
**Todd (VO)**: Hannah Montana is singing about snorting coke.

**Todd**: Wait, wait, wait a minute...

**Todd (VO)**: Go back, I couldn't even tell what she was saying, but...

**Miley**: So la da di da di
We like to party
Dancing with Molly
**Todd (VO)**: Is she saying, "dancing with Molly"? As in Molly, the slang term for ecstasy?

**Todd**: No way, no way, no way, no way. *[Looks it up on phone, finds lyrics]* "La da di da di, dancing with *Miley*." Oh, Miley. "Dancing with Miley." See, she's just being Miley. Not...not the other thing. See, they even asked her about it straight up. She said, "it's Miley..." *[TMZ article: "Miley Cyrus--Of Course I'm Singing About Ecstasy, You Idiots]* "...if you're aged ten. If you know what I'm talking about, then you know."

Okay, then. You know, it's weird.

**Todd (VO)**: In all the popular party songs we've gotten lately, I don't remember *any* of them, not even from Princess Garbage Heap herself, make an explicit reference to anything harder than pot.

**Todd**: Okay, the ante is up.

**Todd (VO)**: You know what, why not? It's just...honest, right? I'm not a prude or anything. We need to get over it in this country. She's not doing anything that tons of young people her age aren't doing completely harmlessly.

**Todd**: *[struggling with this]* She's just having fun, right?

**Miley**: And we can't stop
And we won't stop
*Todd sighs*

**Todd (VO)**: Look, I'm not trying to go all *Reefer Madness* here, I'm not trying to be Nancy Reagan or anything. It's just...

**Todd**: Jesus, are you *listening* to this?

**Todd (VO)**: How am I supposed to listen to this and not imagine it's a song about a woman with a serious problem? What this song is about is she *can't* stop. She literally...

**Todd**: ...*can't stop*, that's why it sounds so sad.

**Todd (VO)**: Through some combination of lack of control over her own life and an abnormal childhood, she is *literally* incapable of controlling her own actions. Amy Winehouse couldn't stop either.

**Todd**: It's called chemical dependence.

**Miley**: Don't take nothing from nobody
**Todd (VO)**: I guess, to be fair, *Miley* doesn't sound sad. I mean, she sounds like she's trying to make this sound fun, it's not *her* fault. No matter how old she gets, no matter how hard she tries to put her *Hannah Montana* days behind her, at least she'll always have that one special thing that will always be quintessentially Miley.

**Todd**: Her piercing, ear-splitting vocals.

**Miley**: Yeah, yeah...
**Todd**: Yeah.

**Todd (VO)**: Look, I don't know what to say here. Selena's transition into adulthood is at least going smoother than Miley's; Miley's work seems at least more honest and real than Selena's. But honestly, who cares either way? These are both terrible, terrible songs. Selena makes love songs that sound like they were made by two-year-olds. Miley makes party songs that sound about as fun as the *Requiem for a Dream* soundtrack. *[Videos side-by-side]* They're both awful, they're both making exactly the kind of boring, soulless crap that gets popular. So it's no wonder that they're both still astoundingly successful. And if you want my opinion, I'm honestly far more impressed by the girls from *[opening credits for...]* Nickelodeon's *Victorious*, all of whom seem to be far more charismatic and talented.

**Todd**: *[pause]* Not that I watch that either. *[pause]* I *don't!* Shut up! Shut up! I'm Todd In The Shadows, and I'm out.

*Gets up and leaves*

**Selena**: Na na na na
**Miley**: Yeah-eah.

*Closing tag song: Bobby Vee - "Go Away Little Girl"*

***THE END
"Come & Get It" is owned by Hollywood Records
"We Can't Stop" is owned by RCA Records
This video is owned by me***