KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park - Musical Hell Review 101

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* This episode is brought to you by Black Butler: Parody of the Phantomhives, a Black Butler abridged series-slash-parody, and by Midnight Musicals: welcome to the podcast musical underground coming in early 2021. Thank you.

**Diva:** Greetings, mortals. Welcome to another session of the Infernal Court in Musical Hell. I'm Diva: your judge, jury, executioner, and fabulous rock superstar. \*voiceover\* There is a special place in my particular section of the Inferno for movies built around hit recording artists. Oh, they're not all terrible. Every so often, you get "A Hard Day's Night" or some of the better titles on Elvis's IMDb page.

*Cut to movie posters for "A Hard Day's Night" and "Viva Las Vegas", respectively.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* But, when they're bad... they rank from insufferably dumb to *literally* the worst film I have ever seen.

*Cut to movie posters for "Spice World" and "Glitter", respectively.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* And it's time to see where our next offender, "KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park", falls in that scale.

*Cut to a poster for the titular 1978 made-for-television film.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* I have come to the conclusion that KISS is essentially the Liberace of rock 'n' roll. Stick with me on this. In terms of technical musical prowess, both KISS and Liberace are good enough. They don't rank among the virtuosos of the art, but neither are they going out there and embarrassing themselves. So, what sets them apart from the crowd?

*Cut to a brief clip from Dreamworks' "Megamind".*

**Megamind:** Presentation!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Yes, just as 'Mr. Showmanship' had his elaborate capes and rhinestone everything, KISS had their iconic makeup, superhero-esque personas, and spectacular concert effects. Say what you want, it works. And in 1978, it was working so well that KISS was sitting on an avid fanbase, and a nice little merchandising empire.

*Cut to an image of a KISS toilet seat cover.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* So it's no surprise that Hollywood came calling. What *is* surprising is that the calling was done by Hanna-Barbera... yes, *that* Hanna-Barbera.

*Cut to a drawing of the late William Hanna and Joseph Barbera together, along with the characters they had created.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Although when you consider the script involving magical powers, killer robots, and the villain wreaking vengeance on a theme park, maybe it's not so surprising after all. The filming, done mainly at what is now Six Flags Magic Mountain, had the usual mess of production issues exacerbated by the fact the band was firmly in the 'drugs and alcohol abuse' phase of stardom. Here's a fun drinking game: take a shot every time Ace Frehley is obviously being understudied by his *black* stunt double.

*Cut to a clip from the film of Ace Frehley's African American understudy, Alan Oliney.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* To this day, KISS's reactions to the film have ranged from ironic amusement to 'let's never speak of this again'. So, let's examine the case of "KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park" to see what *my* reaction is.

## Review

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* The credits take place accompanied by some theme park footage and "Rock and Roll All Nite", while Gene Simmons goes all kaiju over a roller coaster.

*A marching band accompanied by people holding letters at the front that spell out "CANYON" is seen.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Ah yes, when I think KISS, I think marching band music. We'll be seeing a lot of theme park footage, especially in this first act, and that's Sin number one.

* **Sin 1: Stock Park Footage**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* If I wanted to see a lot of theme park rides, there's more than enough videos on YouTube to accommodate that need.

*Cut to on-ride footage of "Mickey and Minnie's Runaway Railway" at Disney Hollywood Studios.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* During the Magic Mountain B-roll, an exposition announcer helpfully informs us that KISS has a three-night engagement at the park starting tonight. The park owner, Richards, is eager for the influx of income, but security officer Sneed is worried that the concert will bring too many of the 'darn kids these days' with their rock music and hooliganism. We see three such specimens causing trouble in the park, tripping acrobats and cutting lines and such.

**Dirty Dee (Lisa Jane Persky):** You talkin' to us?

**Slime (John Lisbon Wood):** What's your beef? You a cop?

**Dirty Dee:** It's cool. Chopper and Slime don't hurt nobody unless they want to.

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* But the concert is also anticipated by the more wholesome types, like young lovers Melissa and Sam. Sam is working at the park to save up money for their marriage - it was the 70s, you could still imagine building a life together on a theme park salary - and he has to get on the job, but he promises to meet Melissa later. Melissa is sadly disappointed in that, as Sam instantly goes snooping around some old "Phantom of the Paradise" set pieces, and he instantly gets swallowed up by a secret passage.

*A steel door suddenly closes on Sam, trapping him inside.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* As Melissa goes searching for Sam, we switch to Richards and the park engineer, Abner Devereaux. Devereaux is also not too thrilled with this whole KISS thing, as it's taking away money he needs for research and development. This is our first indication that Devereaux is an unstable mad scientist type.

**Abner Devereaux (Anthony Zerbe):** You're just blaming me for everything, of *course* things malfunction! Every new piece of equipment has a shakedown period!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* And... there's the second indication. I give it about fifteen minutes before Devereaux starts ranting about how they all laughed at him at the university, but soon - *soon* we shall see who laughs last!

*Cut to a photo of Gene Wilder in "Young Frankenstein".*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Oh, and Devereaux's big passion is animatronic figures, which do not look very impressive to start off with.

**Devereaux:** \*referring to the chained gorilla animatronic\* Simon is a very delicate creature. It took nearly a year and $30,000 to perfect him.

**Chopper (John Dennis Johnston):** Come on, perfection? You call some baboon doing a herky-jerky perfection?

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* I'm kind of with 'Greasy McThug' here. Regardless, Devereaux gives the trio of miscreants free tickets to the Chamber of Thrills, which isn't sinister at all. Meanwhile, there's a makeup contest going on, and Melissa is looking for her boyfriend, and one of the rides goes out of control, and Sin number two, wasn't KISS supposed to be in this movie?

* **Sin 2: Where's KISS?**

*Cut to various clips from "The Phantom of the Opera at the Royal Albert Hall".*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Look, I get wanting to build up suspense. As long as we're on the subject of phantoms, the operatic one doesn't appear in *his* musical until around the 20-minute mark, and is on stage for only about 40 minutes total. But he's supported by a persistent sense of anticipation and danger that keeps things going even when the character, who is by far the most interesting in the story, isn't physically present. The only reason *anybody* might possibly want to see this movie is KISS, but they don't show up until about a third of the way into the film, and the parts without them are pretty dull. And yes, the band has problems of their own when they do show up, mostly of the 'really not good at this whole acting thing' variety.

**Paul Stanley:** Gene's clean.

**Peter Criss:** A pussycat - almost.

**Ace Frehley:** Ack!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* But still, they *are* the main draw to this entire enterprise. And without them, the whole thing goes from being a silly movie featuring an iconic rock group to... just a silly movie. The local security guards aren't that interested in helping Melissa locate Sam, because like all movie security guards, they're functionally useless. But they do point her in the direction of Devereaux's underground laboratory.

**Melissa (Deborah Ryan):** Underground?

**Security Guard (Brion James):** Yeah, *way* underground.

*The ending of the song "Way Down Hadestown" from the musical "Hadestown" plays as the camera zooms in on Devereaux's underground laboratory.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Devereaux sees Melissa snooping around the outskirts of his villain lair with his all-powerful surveillance system, and when he hears she's looking for Sam, he decides to let her in and show her some of his cool new animatronics. But he claims not to have seen Sam for several days, a lie immediately revealed after Melissa leaves, and Sam is shown with a mind-control doohickey on his neck.

**Devereaux:** You're less curious now... but far more effective.

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* But Devereaux has other evil work to do, namely abducting the trio of thugs when they wander into the Chamber of Thrills, and who helpfully accommodate him by pulling the old 'you wait here, I'll be right back' routine.

*One of the thugs gets abducted by an animatronic and dragged into a sarcophagus, down a chute, and into Devereaux's lair.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* In between Devereaux abducting the random thugs and turning them into American history exhibits, we get the main plot thread. See, Richards is no longer able to condone the safety risk posed by Devereaux's experimental but dangerously malfunctioning park equipment, and he gives the inventor his walking papers. Devereaux, mad scientist that he is, doesn't take it well and vows "Richards *will* regret this!", and he swears revenge on KISS too, because he thinks their appearance at the park is somehow also responsible for this. Speaking of, it's finally - *finally* time for the main event.

*KISS performs "Shout it Out Loud" on-stage while demonstrating their superpowers.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* So yeah, as previously mentioned, KISS has superpowers in this movie, which since their stage look is based on comic book characters is not as dumb of an idea as it might sound. Gene 'Demon' Simmons breathes fire and speaks with an impressive reverb, Paul 'Starchild' Stanley has an eye beam that does assorted plot-specific things, Ace 'Space Ace' Frehley can teleport himself and others, and Peter 'Catman' Criss does... cat-type stuff. And of course, all four provide the movie with ample concert footage.

**KISS:** \*singing\* Shout it, shout it

Shout it out loud!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* After the concert, Melissa goes backstage and sees Sam, who has been sent by Devereaux to get photos of each band member. She's obviously distressed when Sam walks by her without so much as a word, but KISS learns of her problem through... telepathy plot device something, and offers their assistance. Little do they know that they themselves are in danger, as Devereaux's evil plan goes into action.

*Devereaux puts the finishing touches on his lifelike KISS animatronics, complete with fire breath for the Gene Simmons animatronic.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Wow, Devereaux will really need to up his android game if he wants to successfully recreate Gene Simmons' tongue action.

*Cut to earlier footage of Gene's signature tongue trick.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* The robo-Demon wreaks havoc on the park and a couple of security guards, who maintain their proud tradition of functional uselessness.

**Sneed (John Chappell):** Now what?

*The Gene Simmons animatronic's shadow is seen along the side of the building, as suspenseful music plays in the background.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* A word about the underscore: if this sounds like something Scooby and the gang should be sneaking around to, you're not too far off the mark.

*Cut to a photograph of the late Hoyt Curtin.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* It was done by Hoyt Curtin, host-composer for Hanna-Barbera who provided music for them for over fifty years. Unfortunately, it clashes with the hard rock sound of our title band, so it's Sin number three.

* **Sin 3: Incongruous Underscore**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* So, the next morning, Richards and the security staff find KISS chilling by the pool as best they can while keeping with their aesthetic, and they accuse-

*Cut abruptly to Devereaux in his lab with Melissa.*

**Devereaux:** ...points to me.

**Melissa:** You and this whole place. You haven't been upfront with me.

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Well, enough of *that* scene, we're back with Melissa interrogating Devereaux, who gives her a security pass-

*Cut abruptly again to Gene Simmons roaring.*

* **Sin 4: Oh, come on!**

**Diva:** ...Get used to these abrupt scene changes. There are a *lot* of them in this movie. \*voiceover\* Bottom line, Gene's bandmates vouch for his innocence, and though Richards is not convinced, he'd rather save any arrests until after the big revenue-generating concerts are done with. Meanwhile, KISS takes Melissa into their confidence, and show her the talismans which give them their superpowers. Unfortunately for them, Melissa's security pass has been bugged by Devereaux, so he now knows about the magic MacGuffins and sends Sam to steal them. Burglary shenanigans ensues.

*Sam breaks into the band's lair, knocking over some books on a shelf.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Unaware of the ransacking of their base, KISS decides to take it down a little.

**KISS:** \*singing\* I think I hear them calling

Oh, Beth, what can I do?

* **Sin 5: "Beth"**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* It *kills* me that I'm going to have to mark "Beth" as Sin number five, as it's not only a lovely song, it's the only one not performed in a concert setting and the only one that has anything resembling plot relevance and emotional depth, as KISS is apparently trying to comfort Melissa with it. Which would've worked a lot better if A) this scene were set up in any way, shape or form, or B) the female lead was actually named *Beth.*

*Cut to an image macro featuring NFL wide receiver Cris Carter and text at the bottom that reads "C'MON MAN".*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Come on, naming your characters for song lyrics is, like, 'Jukebox Musical 101'. Oh, and the random cuts to Sam zombie-crashing around KISS's suite don't help either.

*Sam finally discovers the location of the talismans.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Sam's attempt to steal the talismans activates the cosmic forcefield protecting them... there's a cosmic forcefield protecting them, did I mention that? Melissa sees him leaving the scene of the crime, and her screams at his unnatural state alert the band, who quickly determine what has happened.

**Peter Criss:** If they fall into the wrong hands...

**Gene Simmons:** There *are* no right hands except ours. We must protect the power.

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* And it's time once again for...

**Harry Kalas:** \*voiceover\* "You Make the Call"!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* KISS has discovered a failed attempt to steal the magic talismans which give them superpowers and could be dangerous if they fell into the wrong hands. Should they A) move the talismans to a more secret, secure location, B) keep the talismans on their persons and not let them out of their sight, or C) just leave them where they are while they go search the park, leaving them vulnerable for a second and probably more successful theft attempt?

**Melissa:** Are you sure they'll be safe here?

**Peter Criss:** \*off-screen\* They always have been, thanks to the forcefield.

C*ut to the mass-facepalming scene from "The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult".*

* **Sin 6: KISS, you IDIOTS.**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* After 'Wonder Woman jumping' over the park fence, the band seeks out Devereaux while contending with his mechanical monstrosities. At first, it *finally* looks like we might get some decent camp in this movie, as KISS does battle with a pack of robo-monkeys.

*Paul Stanley decapitates a robotic werewolf while funky action music plays in the background.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* *But* it gets old very quickly, as the band members half-heartedly go through several underlit fight scenes while Devereaux just kind of hangs out in his villain lair and does nothing.

* **Sin 7: Boooooriiiing**

**Diva:** A glam metal group with superpowers fighting the evil robot henchmen of a subterranean-dwelling mad scientist should *not* be this dull. \*voiceover\* Devereaux sends Sam after the talismans again, this time with a ray gun that neutralizes the forcefield. Meanwhile, KISS has worked their way past the martial arts stereotype robots and the creepy carousel, and into the Chamber of Thrills.

*The band members stand around in the Chamber of Thrills doing nothing. Cut to a clip from "Spaceballs".*

**President Skroob:** \*to Dark Helmet\* Do something!

**Dark Helmet:** \*to Colonel Sandurz\* Do something!

**Colonel Sandurz:** \*picks up a phone\* Do something!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* So, it's KISS vs. robots, round 3. But this time, the fight isn't as one-sided, as Devereaux uses the ray gun to neutralize the talismans. They still manage to put in a good effort before Devereaux gets bored and sucks them up into some air ducts, trapping them in one of those laser cages evil masterminds always seem to have around.

**Devereaux:** Gentlemen, enjoy yourselves. \*walks out of the room\*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Sweet Lucifer, Devereaux, you are doing a *really* lousy job at the 'explaining your evil plan to the captive heroes' part of your job. Allow me. Basically, Devereaux's evil android KISS doppelgangers will incite a riot at the concert, destroying the park and besmirching the group's reputation forever. And they will do this by... singing alternate lyrics, I... guess?

**KISS Robots:** \*to the tune of "Hotter Than Hell" Rip, rip

Rip and destroy!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Luckily, Devereaux has the 'leave the heroes unattended so they can escape' part down, so they retrieve their talismans by using the Force - there's less than 10 minutes left in the movie, we don't have time for any explanations. And they fly to the concert stage just as things are starting to get out of control, engaging in a fight to the finish with their evil robot doubles. It's a lot less interesting than it sounds.

*More groovy action music plays as the band battles their robotic clones.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* The robots are defeated, the park is saved, and the true KISS takes to the stage in triumph. \*beat\* Wait, wasn't there an evil genius, and a mind-controlled boyfriend, and stuff to take care of?

*Devereaux is revealed to be frozen in a catatonic state, looking much older than before.*

**Calvin Richards (Carmine Caridi):** \*off-screen\* He created KISS to destroy KISS... and he lost.

* **Sin 8: That's IT???**

**Diva:** ...Are you *kidding* me? \*voiceover\* After all that, Devereaux just... I don't even know, dies or gets taken over by his own tech or something? Who thought that was a good conclusion? How does Paul just suddenly know where Sam's mind-control doohickey is and how to remove it? Are the random thugs just stuck being animatronics for The American Adventure? And what about Scarecrow's brain?!

*Cut to a photo of the Scarecrow from "The Wizard of Oz".*

## The Verdict

**Diva:** "KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park" was never going to be *good,* but at least it had potential to be good *camp.* On paper, the plot sounds like it could rival "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and "The Apple" in terms of pure batshit crazy. But the results are one underwhelming scene after another, frequently with disorienting abruptness, interspersed with Magic Mountain stock footage and a couple of plot cul-de-sacs. Only diehard KISS fans are likely to be interested in this one, and given how little the band and their music actually figure in the film, I'm not sure I'd recommend it to them either. Therefore, the court of Musical Hell orders the following punishments. \*voiceover\* For being a generally disappointing and anticlimactic villain, Abner Devereaux is condemned to take remedial classes from "Scooby Doo" antagonists.

*Cut to an image of Scooby and Shaggy encountering a phantom wearing makeup similar to Gene Simmons.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* For providing an underscore ill-suited to the adventures of a glam rock group, Hoyt Curtin is condemned to have a romantic dinner accompanied by death metal.

*Cut to a black and white photograph of a death metal band.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* And finally, for the tedious theme park experience that was this movie, writers Jan-Michael Sherman and Don Buday are condemned to an eternity in The Hall of Presidents.

*Cut to a photo of the titular Disney attraction.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* So, let it be recorded. This session of the Infernal Court in Musical Hell is now adjourned.