Fake TPOT 47a: And Your Name Is.../part 2

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
*Information about the episode to which this segment belongs can be found at "**Pencil? Two? Oh.**".*

Click **here** to return to the previous part.
"**And Your Name Is...**" is the first segment of the forty-seventh episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 13 October 1989. Since TPOT 2 has already been released, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

Next episode: "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner"

## Thursday, *3 August 1989*

### **Living room** – Morning

**Scene**All part ways before going to school and work. Soni exspectati of farewell; exeunt omnes. Manent **Yesa**, **Pencil** and **Pen** (who is carrying a floatie among his things). **Soniri** is in the background.
* **Y****es****a**: Have fun at work today, Dad!
* **P****en**: I sure will, and I'm even going to carpool! Later, guys.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Bye!

[*Exit* **Pen**.]

* **Y****es****a**: So that's why he brought a flotation device with him. /j
* **P****e****nci****l**: Probably a security measure. I hope. So, Yesa, what's your course of action today?
* **Y****es****a**: I've a meeting at the university at 11:00 and then I've another one at the school library. Then I have to go to City Hall and schedule an appointment with the Bureau of Name Changers.
* **P****e****nci****l**: The library. Doing more research, are you? Thought you didn't need books to think up a name for yourself.
* **Y****es****a**: I don't, but they just hired a heritage analyst yesterday and I want to see her. She's going to help me find out where I come from, y'know, for inspiration.
* **P****e****nci****l**: How fascinating.
* **Y****es****a**: What about you, Mum?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, I've got a very hard day, actually. I need to do my shopping and get the rest of the food for this week, you know, something we all once did together. But before I do that, I must go around the Fove and talk to people about things.
* **Y****es****a**: Why, is that what housewives do?
* **P****e****nci****l**: It must be; that's what they do in the pictures.
* **Y****es****a**: Well, that sounds like fun, I suppose. See you later, oh, and my boyfriend's coming over later to meet you guys.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Cheerio! [*realizes*] Wait...

[*Exit* **Yesa**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Lou, you take care of Sonny, yeah?
* **O****is** (Lou): [*off-camera*] Okay, Ma!
* **P****e****nci****l**: B'bye! [*nemini loquitur*] And now to see what she's up to.

### **Outside Flat 3**

**Scene****Pencil** knocks on the door of Coiny and Pin's flat. She stands outside and taps her feet while waiting.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*inside*] Can you get that, Leese?
* **L****i****s****a**: 'Kay-kay.

[**Lisa** *opens the door.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Lisa! You alright?
* **L****i****s****a**: Hi, Pencil, how's it going?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Chiz-adjacent. Your mum with you?
* **L****i****s****a**: Nah, she left for something. Come inside!

### **Flat 3**

**Scene****Coiny** is sitting on the couch (which faces the wall with the front door, unlike in Flat 2), playing on his personal computer. Enter **Pencil**.
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah, yeah, smash those vitamins!
* **L****i****s****a**: Um, Dad? We got company.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*barely listening*] Oh, the company won't mind me going back and forth. It's not like they can spy on me through this computer.
* **L****i****s****a**: No, I meant...

[*Coiny looks up and notices Pencil.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Oh! Chiz, sorry! [*quickly changes the video game to a registration-type screen*] Hi, Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hullo. Don't worry, I just came to talk to Pin.
* **Co****i****ny**: Pin?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Mm-hmm.
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah, I don't really know where she is.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You don't?
* **Co****i****ny**: Nope.
* **P****e****nci****l**: But she's your wife! That's, like, one step ahead of Pen and me.
* **L****i****s****a**: You want anything to drink, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, no, thank you, Leeser Anh.

[*Exit* **Lisa**.]

* **Co****i****ny**: Have a seat!

[*Pencil walks around the couch and sits down directly on a stain. Her eyes try not to twitch.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What's this liquid?
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh, I spilled Peppy Cola while I was gaming there, I mean, working. Yeah, I am now a pharmacist who takes appointments on a home computer system. Can you believe Two doesn't think I should be in finance?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Stay-at-home pharmacist, is that a real thing?
* **Co****i****ny**: Why not?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Anyway, so Pin's not been in your flat at all, that's what I'm hearing.
* **Co****i****ny**: Not since yesterday afternoon. Pretty sure she's alive, though, 'cause when I try to call her, I get this message.

[*Coiny picks up the landline phone next to him and calls Pin's number. Pencil leans in to listen.*]

* **P****i****n**: [*beeeep*] *A-lô*, you have reached Pin Nguyen Lincoln's telephone. The person you are trying to call is not available because she is saving *The Power of Two* from being cancelled after Two's big announcement [*robotic voice*] one [*regular voice*] day ago. Although I am eliminated, Golf Ball insists that I come along. Please forward any autograph requests to my husband Coiny, and be assured that he will not sign them for me. Mm-mm. Nope. No way. *Không!* [*beeeep*]
* **Co****i****ny**: Cryptic, huh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, I suppose so. So TPOT's getting cancelled.
* **Co****i****ny**: I don't think it is. They do this chiz every second-to-last episode and everything turns out fine at the end. Anyway, I know Pin, and she is definitely working her magic ***AS USUAL!***

[*Pencil flinches.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Now, you sure you don't want anything to drink?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, I just remembered I've a pressing engagement at Tew's Market. I'm going shopping!
* **Co****i****ny**: [*jumps up*] A-*ha!*

[**Pencil** *opens the door.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Goodbye, Coiny, and thanks for the news I didn't think really concerned me.

[*Exit. Coiny waves at her. Enter* **Lisa**.]

* **Co****i****ny**: I know what job Two got Pencil!
* **L****i****s****a**: Yeah, what is it?
* **Co****i****ny**: She is... a professional shopper!
* **L****i****s****a**: You are a genius, Dad. /s
* **Co****i****ny**: Yep.

### **Flat 2: Living room** – Afternoon

**Scene**The house is still relatively empty. **Sonny** is home, being watched by **Lou**.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): It's amazing how you and I are the only people in this house without drama.
* **O****is** (Lou): Well, for you, it's because you're so young. I never had a chance to be a baby, so I don't know what it's like.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Being a baby's a piece of cake! Just go "goo-goo-ga-ga" or make up a funny catchphrase on the spot. That's how I play convincing when I don't feel like creeping the old folks out.
* **O****is** (Lou): Yeah, I should do that! [*looks around*] Goo-goo.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Say it louder! Own your babyhood!
* **O****is** (Lou): Okay. [*loudly*] *Goo-goo!*
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): What do you say after that?
* **O****is** (Lou): Ga-ga?
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Say it again! Louder!
* **O****is** (Lou): *Ga-ga!*
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Now, in the name of the good God, put it together, my brother!
* **O****is** (Lou): *Goo-goo-ga-ga!*

[*As this happens, enter* **Yesa** *and* **Pencil** *from different doors. Pencil is carrying a large sack of groceries.*]

* **[** **O****is** (Lou) · **So****ni****ri** (Sonny) **]**: *Goo-goo-ga-ga!*
* **O****is** (Lou): *Oo-ga-goo-ga-gai-joo-ba-skiddly-doo-bop-a-joo-goo-ba-goo-goo-g'joob* and "you got it, dude", how's that for a catchphrase, huh? Yeah, buddy! [*high-fives Sonny and sees Yesa and Pencil; flushed*] Oh. I've never felt as humiliated as right now.
* **Y****es****a**: [*pointing and laughing*] Ha-ha!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Lewis, honey, if you think that's what Swahili sounds like, I'd advise you either to call my relatives or get out of the house more often. Reckon that'd be best for all of us. /j

[**Lou** *opens his mouth to say something, but he closes it and goes back to his room.*]

* **Y****es****a**: I've some great news, Mum!
* **P****e****nci****l**: So have I!
* **Y****es****a**: I'll let you go first. You look ready to give presents to all the little boys and girls of the world. [*Pencil looks at her.*] I'll help you pick up.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Thank you, daughter.

### **Kitchen**

**Scene****Pencil** and **Yesa** go into the kitchen and put away the groceries together.
* **Y****es****a**: So, what's your good news?
* **P****e****nci****l**: TPOT's getting cancelled!
* **Y****es****a**: How is that good news?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, you don't understand. Ere I went to the market, I stopped by Coiny's place, and when he went to call Pin, he got a message that she'd joined the contestants still in to save the show, and *The Power of Two* may not meet its demise after all!
* **Y****es****a**: That's great and all, Mother, but... what the heck's that got to do with us?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Nothing.
* **Y****es****a**: Then how is this relevant?
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's what I thought! Anyway, tell me your news.
* **Y****es****a**: Remember when I told you I was going to get my heritage analysed?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, I do. So what did you find out? Is your percentage Canadian high enough to be of concern? /j
* **Y****es****a**: [*laughs*] No, she didn't measure anything like that. Ms. Harvey told me that I am made up of many ingredients, but two stand out in particular.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ms. Harvey makes you sound like a full-course meal.

[*Yesa starts stacking cups as she speaks.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Yeah, well, she is Robot Flower, your fellow contestant. When she found out who you and Dad were, she gave me a 2% discount!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] Robot Flower, an object DNA analyst? Well, I'll have a bubble bum.
* **Y****es****a**: I found out that I come mainly from two natural heritage groups: wood and plastic! Chah!

[*Yesa finger-guns Pencil.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: And for this you paid 98% of some price when I could have told you that for free. /s You are your father's daughter, you know that?
* **Y****es****a**: I know it doesn't mean much to you, Mum, but this stunning revelation can really help me choose a good surname for us! So, after visiting the city hall and getting "redirected" to the one on the Fove for my "name-changin' needs", I went back to the library and did a little more research on meaningful words. I'm going to present them to the kids at midnight.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Good luck getting nine people to agree on anything!

[*Exit* **Yesa**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*nemini loquitur*] How is she so good at planning?

### **Girls' room** – Before midnight

**Scene**Just like yesterday, the girls (**Rhoza**, **Zira**, **Max** and **Ita**) are getting ready for bed.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): And he did Clare Kinubi's makeup just like that! She told me all about it during free period.
* **R****h****oza**: Wow, Clare's not even in his class.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Not even socioeconomically!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Ita, don't you think you're taking advantage of Ivor a little bit?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): No, I'm, like, totally keeping to the agreement! You did not hear it from me, but even a rich girl like Clare can look exa-trashy from a few angles.

[*Enter* **Yesa**, *who stands outside the doorway.*]

* **Y****es****a**: [*claps*] Alright, I want all of you out in the hallway!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Are we in trouble?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): We can't be. She's smiling.

### **Hallway**

**Scene****Yesa** has gathered her **sisters** at the door.
* **Y****es****a**: And this is something I'd like to say to all of you! *You too, boys!*

[*The* **boys** *groan and go out into the hall.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Is this nightly excursion parent-sanctioned?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Will you be quiet?
* **Y****es****a**: This is an announcement.
* **O****is** (Lou): Can you please make it quick?
* **Y****es****a**: [*gives him a thumbs-up, clears her throat and speaks rapidly*] As you all know, I've been pretty busy today, but there's a good reason for that: I've narrowed down the search for a surname to five different possibilities, and if I don't tell you what they are before the day is out, I'm sure I'll forget them.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Oh yeah, it's almost midnight!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Wait, wasn't Jost supposed to come over today?

[*Yesa's eyes grow wide.*]

* **Y****es****a**: *Chiz!* That little dip, he said he was going to come by after work and he didn't even show up!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): I mean, technically it is still "after work". It's also before work. [*gets elbowed by Ita*] Heh, what do I know?
* **Y****es****a**: Now that he's broken his promise, I can only pretend he's saying "I love you" to me 1.5 times instead of 15!

[*Soni exspectati of quiet confusion.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Well, now that that's out of the way, I can finally introduce you to choice #1. It comes from Portuguese, a language some of our ancestors speak, and it means "iron", which today I found out I am about 8%. And that name is *Ferr—*

[*The doorbell rings.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Ack! He's here!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Your studmuffin!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Please, Ita, don't spread it on thick. He's a walking advert for the British Virgin Islands.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): That's perfect for Yesa! She's kind of British and she's kind of a—
* **Y****es****a**: Don't you finish that sentence. [*going; calling out*] *I'm coming, my love, I- I'll be right there!*

[*Exit.*]

* **O****is** (Lou): I have to get to sleep.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): So do I.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Good night, wimpazoids.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Good night!

[*Soni exspectati.*]

### **Living room**

**Scene**The doorbell rings again. **Pencil** stretches her arm towards the door, even though she is lying on the couch in the middle of the room.
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Oi, somebody get the door!* I can't... be bothered to get up.

[*Enter* **Yesa** *in a rush.*]

* **Y****es****a**: It's probably for me!
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's for all of us; your dad comes home late now.

[*Yesa opens the door. On the other side is* **Jost**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*nemini loquitur*] As apparently does this stranger.

[*Yesa and Jost kiss passionately.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Who likes to get up close and physical with my daughter.
* **Y****es****a**: Come on in, Joe!
* **J****o****s****t**: [*entering*] I'm sorry, baby, I was busy travelling the world on my computer until I realized they don't have that capability yet and I travelled the world in real life instead. [*looks around*] It's still Thursday, isn't it?
* **Y****es****a**: For just a few more minutes. But you made it! Er, Jost, I'd like you to meet my mother. Mum, this is Jost Van Femslash.

[*Pencil gets up. She almost trips over the trampoline next to the sofa and swears under her breath.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Happy midnight, Jost. So you're the infamous boyfriend.
* **J****o****s****t**: It's a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Yesa's-mother-who-has-a-surname-she-doesn't-want-to-adopt.

[*Yesa elbows him.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Please, call me Pencil. Everybody calls me that. Well, everybody but the tabloid-writing twits who resort to other, less flattering titles.
* **Y****es****a**: [*giggles nervously*] Mother, Jost has never owned a television.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ever?
* **J****o****s****t**: My mother thinks it's sinful.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah, that's well interesting. In your household it's a sin to own a box that broadcasts the adventures of a Welsh fire engine, but not to snog my first-born girl at the front door. You must have had the opposite upbringing to mine. If our parents met, they'd cancel each other out and die. /j

[*Jost chuckles awkwardly.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Why don't we go to the back, Joe, huh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I won't bite, I promise!

[**Yesa** *and* **Jost** *fade into the background. Pencil watches them.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Would you like someone, er, something to snack on or what?
* **J****o****s****t**: Oh, no thanks, Pencil. I'm only here because custom between us dictates that I meet my girlfriend's parents. You see, she walked in on me in the library. [*Aside, to Yesa.*] Can I go now?
* **Y****es****a**: In a minute! You've already met one parent; you've yet to meet the other!
* **J****o****s****t**: What more is there to meet?

[*Enter* **Pen**. *He slams the door angrily.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Look, it's our flat's rent-a-cop! You alright, man?
* **P****en**: I'm *wrong man!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Dear, I think you really—
* **P****en**: The guys at the airport think I'm "too nice" to be one of them, and if I keep this up they'll fire me tomorrow!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Should air out your complaints—
* **P****en**: All because I didn't tackle the guy they said looks like a naughty one, but guess what? He was innocent all along!
* **P****e****nci****l**: In private, but I must tell you—
* **P****en**: And they're saying I *look* soft too! [*shows Pencil his arm*] Y'see this arm? That's the arm of someone who's so busy training that he has no time to learn good and evil! I tell ya, babe, I can be a real darned jerk.
* **P****e****nci****l**: In both senses of the word. Pen, we've got company.
* **P****en**: And see these teeth? They sure as heck were made for bitin'!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*physically turns Pen around*] ***Shut up and look!***

[*Pen sees Yesa and Jost, pogs and immediately changes his attitude.*]

* **P****en**: [*smiles*] Hi there, I don't believe we've met.
* **Y****es****a**: Dad, this is Jost Van Femslash.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Our daughter's boyfriend.
* **P****en**: Treat her nicely, eh?

[*Pen and Jost shake hands.*]

* **J****o****s****t**: Nice to meet you, and you have got a firm grip! I guess you must be Pen.
* **P****en**: [*Aside.*] Yesa, your guy's a genius. [*Aloud.*] But then again, I'm as much a household name as pizza, so I can't blame him for recognizing me. Heck, people in South Africa know my name, and they don't even get our show!
* **Y****es****a**: Dad? Jost grew up without television.
* **P****en**: That's cool, I didn't either. I grew up in the '40s and '50s, which makes me almost thirty, but not quite! [*chuckles*]
* **J****o****s****t**: [*awkwardly*] Yeah, um... I'd better leave now; it's after midnight and, um, I have to go. It was nice meeting you two cool people whose surnames Yesa doesn't want to take! Bye! Yes. Bye. Bye.

[*Exit* **Jost**, *quickly. He breaks out into a dash as soon as he gets out of the door.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Nice job, guys, you totally terrified him. /s
* **P****en**: Hey, we ask for no applause. We're your parents!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, it's sort of our job.

## Friday, *4 August*

### **Living room** – Afternoon

**Scene****Yesa** paces restlessly around the sofa. Enter **Lou**.
* **O****is** (Lou): Yesa!
* **Y****es****a**: What, what, *what?*
* **O****is** (Lou): Today's the big day! Hey, you're pacing.
* **Y****es****a**: No, Lewis, I'm digging a moat. /s Oh, Lou, I'm so nervous. I forgot my possible choices from last night, we still don't have a name and the office on the Tec closes in ten minutes!
* **O****is** (Lou): Well, look on the bright side. Ma's picking the little ones up early for "emergency reasons".

[*Yesa sighs and sits down on the couch.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Maybe I'm overreacting. I bet in a few seconds, Mum will be home with the rest of the kids. Just watch, Lewis Last-name-unknown!

[*The door opens. Enter* **Pen**. *Yesa doesn't notice.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Is it her?
* **O****is** (Lou): Does our mother wear Inkkar Noir?
* **Y****es****a**: [*turns around*] Dad!
* **P****en**: Hi, Yesa, Lou. Eyyy, Sonny boy! Guess what!
* **O****is** (Lou): What?
* **P****en**: I got fired.
* **[** **Y****es****a** · **O****is** (Lou) **]**: Fired?
* **P****en**: They were like, "We hate you." Then [*claps*] *BANG!* Then, "You're outta here."
* **O****is** (Lou): They didn't like you as an airport security guard?
* **P****en**: Apparently I was the worst person to ever sign up for the job since Suitcase from *Inanimate Insanity*.
* **O****is** (Lou): Oof, that's rough.
* **P****en**: Ah, it's fine. Bet they just couldn't handle the Beninator, that's for sure. And I don't think a guard's really for me anyway, y'know? But I'm sure built like one. Ha! [*poses*]
* **O****is** (Lou): No way, Dad, in terms of aerodynamics, you'd make a much better airplane.
* **Y****es****a**: Yep, you've always got your head in the clouds.
* **P****en**: Haha, that's right!

[*Enter* **Pencil** *and the younger* **kids** *from the school, all talking at once.*]

* **C****i****l****l****ita** (Ita): I now declare this game officially over!
* **Iv****j****ær** (Ivor): Thank goodness! Mother, did you really have to buy my way out of my first ever lunch detention?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I would have traded your spot for Ita.
* **C****i****l****l****ita** (Ita): Hey, I said sorry! I didn't know he'd *actually* shame his woodshop teacher for living on a teacher's salary!

[*Pen clears his throat.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Have a look, kids, Daddy's home early!
* **P****en**: Yeah. Lost the ol' job, gang.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I suppose it doesn't matter; Two's trial period thing has just expired. They announced it on the radio on our way here.
* **P****en**: Never mind!
* **Y****es****a**: Come on, everybody, what are we waiting for? It's time!

[*Exit* **Yesa** *quickly.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*to Pen*] She's well enthusiastic about this.
* **O****is** (Lou): More than anybody else will ever be.
* **Other kids**: Yeah.

[*Pencil picks up Sonny. Exeunt omnes.*]

### **Outside Flat 2**

**Scene**The family walk together towards the centre of the Fovitwe together, talking at the same time. A few seconds later, they nearly cross the path of **Two** but don't notice them.
* **T****i****z****e****y****ra** (Zira): Aah, watch out!
* **R****h****o****z****a**: It's Two!
* **Two**: [*trying to get their attention*] Ma-bloinga-bloinga-bloinga-bloinga-*snarpf!*

[*Silence. Ivor gets his pocket dictionary out.*]

* **Iv****j****ær** (Ivor): Snarpf, Two?
* **Two**: It's a real word; I made it up!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hullo, my ex-host.
* **Two**: Hi, fifth placer! [*Pencil scowls at them.*] Are you on your way to the Tec Pulcussar?
* **Y****es****a**: Yeah, we're on a mission!
* **Two**: Well, you're a bit early. In five minutes, I shall announce the results of the eliminated people's trial periods, but right now the Tec is occupied.
* **Y****es****a**: I know, we're going there to get a last name.
* **P****e****nci****l**: The kids have been excited about it for days. I should know, considering how much time I've spent at home.
* **Two**: Yes, and I was about to talk to you about your performance lately, Pencil.
* **P****en**: Her performance, eh? Two, I can tell ya she does an *amazing* job. Every night, as a matter of fact.

[*Pencil elbows him.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I- I sing every night. Aye, this old bat remains a lyric soprano whether one likes it or... [*very high note*] ♫ nooooooooooot! ♫

[*Two stares at the camera as if to say, "What the* futatsu*"—Japanese for "what the two".*]

* **Two**: I appreciate the info, Maria von Trapp. But wait, I've something to tell you!
* **Y****es****a**: Come on, Two, we need to be somewhere.
* **Two**: It's about your job, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What job?
* **Two**: This morning I received a call from the construction company telling me that you did not show up for work on Wednesday, nor on Thursday, nor today!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Construction company, what in hell are you talking about? You said I was meant to be a homemaker!
* **Two**: That's right. A maker of homes.

[*Pencil slowly turns her head and looks at Pen, who smiles at her.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: ***YOU WERE RIGHT?!***
* **P****en**: I don't want to brag—
* **P****e****nci****l**: *You were right?!*
* **P****en**: But Pencil—
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*to Two, pointing at Pen*] Seriously, he was right? I hear lift music more often than he says something correct! /j
* **Two**: Do you really think I'd make any of my former contestants stay in their flat all day? Sure, it might be a good career choice for some, but I figured that for everyone who's competed in a show like this, a little more work could do 'em good.
* **P****e****nci****l**: So I was meant to have a job all along, as a construction worker.
* **Two**: Mm-hmm!
* **C****i****l****l****ita** (Ita): Wow, our mother is a woman of the '90s.
* **So****ld****a****ar V.** (Sol): Tsst. Whatever.
* **M****a****x****i****ne** (Max): Shut up, I like the sound of *Penc the Builder*.
* **Two**: "I do too!" says Two. [*snorts*] I said my name. Alright, everybody, bye-bye!

[*Soni exspectati of farewell. Exit* **Two**.]

* **Two**: [*in the background*] I'm not even going to tell them I got all the names and jobs mixed up!

### **Tec Pulcussar**

**Scene**An air of mystery shrouds the centre of the Fovitwe at this hour, as the sculpture has been transformed into a makeshift, sculpture-shaped office building. Sitting on a lone chair at the very top is an unknown person, turned away from **Pencil**, **Pen** and the rest of the arriving family. **Yesa** steps up to face whoever it is.
* **Y****es****a**: [*clears her throat*] Excuse me, erm... grand Pooh-Bah. We have an appointment for the name!

[*The person in the chair turns around, revealing herself to be* **Golf Ball**.]

* **Golf Ball**: I am indeed grand! [*looks down*] Ò! Greetings, people!
* **P****en**: Hi there, Golf Ball! You look even taller than me! [*giggles*]
* **Golf Ball**: I'll take that as a compliment. [*Aloud.*] Yes, I took on a job instead of helping the other contestants save Two's show, which is why I sent Pin in my place. Call me selfish, but I love to work! Okay, Yesa and others, thanks to that very hermeneutic speech of mine, you now have about one hundred seconds to sign your names on the paper below.
* **Y****es****a**: What paper?

[*A clipboard and a small pencil lands on Pen's head. He falls.*]

* **P****en**: Ow!
* **Y****es****a**: Thanks, GB!

[*Yesa picks up the clipboard. Pen gets up.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Alright, everybody, we're going to have to improvise really quickly. Which languages are we choosing from again?

[*Each suggestion is spoken rapidly in turn.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Portuguese—
* **M****a****x****i****ne** (Max): Greek!
* **R****h****o****z****a**: Swahili—
* **C****i****l****l****ita** (Ita): Italian—
* **O****is** (Lou): That Jewish Spanish dialect I forgot the name of—
* **Iv****j****ær** (Ivor): Kikuyu?
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): English.
* **Y****es****a**: And what are we made up of?
* **Sama****r L****a****Qass** (Sam): Wood!
* **M****a****x****i****ne** (Max): Plastic.
* **So****ld****a****ar V.** (Sol): Who cares.
* **O****is** (Lou): A bit of iron.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*fake Southern American accent*] And a whole lotta love for sure.
* **Y****es****a**: Mum, Dad, just for inspiration, what are all your last names in your family?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Your grandma's Triángolo and Carvalho; my dad is a Kigera.
* **P****en**: My mom was a Greco; I'm a Schreiber, born Graffeo, and Dad always said it used to be Michael.
* **Y****es****a**: Triángolo, Carvalho, Kigera, Greco, Schreiber, Graffeo, Michael.
* **Golf Ball**: [*from the top*] Have you made your choices yet?

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **Golf Ball**: You must hurry up! There are people coming over!
* **Y****es****a**: Okay, guys, I am going to count to three and ask everyone who's younger than me (except Sonny) to give me the first name that comes to mind. One... two...
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside, to Pen.*] I hope they all say the same thing.
* **Y****es****a**: *Three!*

[*Each of the children says a completely different name. Golf Ball imitates a buzzer—their time is up. Yesa's eyes grow wide with horror.*]

* **Golf Ball**: *Aaaaeh!*
* **Y****es****a**: No!
* **Golf Ball**: By the power vested in me by Two, the host of this settlement, I hereby declare your new surname to be !

[*All gasp.*]

* **Golf Ball**: You may sign your names now.

[*Yesa quickly hands the clipboard to Lou without signing it. He passes it on to Zira, who gives it to Max, and so on. Fade to commercial break.*]

## Stinger

### **Outside Gelatin's Steakhouse** – Evening

**Scene**The scene begins with a close-up of the paper signed by the nine oldest children with their names on it. Zoom out to reveal **Pen** and **Pencil** taking their children to this restaurant outside the Fovitwe. A big band version of Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers' "Swing the Mood", a popular song at the time, plays in the background.

* **Y****es****a**: I can't believe our last name is now .
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): It's *awesome!* Now I can confuse all the substitute teachers!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Mother, Father, must we go outside tonight? I wish I were at home watching *Mr. Bell-vedere*.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Oh rolaids, Ivor, don't be a wet blanket.
* **P****e****nci****l**: She's right, Ivjær. For one thing, we are celebrating the start of the term holiday with you nine having a surname once and for all.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Whoo, long live the  kids!

[*All cheer.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I think that's reason enough to escape the Fove, don't you, dear?
* **P****en**: Oh, for sure! There's nothing better than getting out of school.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Yea-ah, bring on the fortnight and a half!
* **P****e****nci****l**: And for another thing, we're going to Gelatin's Steakhouse 'cos your father decided that this is where he'd most likely find somebody with his current, off-competition job.
* **R****h****oza**: As what, a struggling lounge singer?
* **P****en**: C'mon, Rhoza, a singer isn't struggling if he can still hold a note. Want to hear?
* **R****h****oza**: No—
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Thanks.

### **Gelatin's Steakhouse**

**Scene**View of the interior of this building, which does not appear in the canon at all. Owing to the setting, we see that the steakhouse is a '60s-themed restaurant with pictures of contemporary celebrities (mostly Gelatin) displayed throughout the large room. At the back of the room is a stage, with a piano and a live big band playing music while people eat, chat amongst themselves *etc.* in the background. The family seat themselves at a table.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*sighs*] Live music, terrific food, congenial atmosphere? I think I like this place a bit.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): And you'll love it too, Sonny.
* **Y****es****a**: For sure! Most people enjoy the first time they enter a Gelatin's Steakhouse.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Well, if a waiter shows up, tell him I want the best gourmet baby food.

[*The background music stops. Applause.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Ooh, honey, you know what time it is, don't you?
* **P****en**: Oh, I sure do!
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): What is it?
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): 8:00, when the singer comes on stage. Sometimes it's Dad.
* **P****en**: Gee, I can't wait to see tonight's musical guest.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): They'd better be pretty!

[*Drumroll. Suddenly,* **Profily** *saunters onto the stage carrying a long microphone. They wear an extremely high wig that reaches to the ceiling.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Hey, that's Profily, BFDI's first icke-binär!
* **Y****es****a**: Yeah! Wonder what they're doing here.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: *Hi, everyone!*
* **Man**: *Euge*, Profily is back!

[*Light applause.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: It is a great pleasure for me to begin this Friday evening the same way I began yesterday and the day before: with a big thank you to the number who gave me this job in the first place, and who happens to be sitting here just now!

[**Two** *jumps onto the stage and takes the microphone from Profily.*]

* **Two**: I am *too* touched by that, Profily! It's nice to know that of all of the mismatched jobs I have assigned to my departed players, that of restaurant singer seems to be the most attractive.

[*Pen gets up from his seat. Pencil sits him down.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Easy there, my jealous ex-guard, you've got your lucky bow tie on.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Yeah, and aren't you people in a union anyway?
* **P****en**: Hey, you're absolutely right; we musicians ought to support each other no matter what. ***YOU GOT THIS, PROFILY!***
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Tack to the long guy in the back! And now, I would like to introduce my apolitical accompanist, disc jockey and surprisingly lovable partner in crime, Battery Dierschl!

[*All cheer as* **Battery** *comes on stage with headphones, sunglasses and a turntable. She and Profily hug.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Marvellous, it looks like she found true love after all.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): And a surname that doesn't sound Russian.
* **B****atter****y**: [*raising her arm*] ***ARE YOU READY TO ROCK THIS STEAKHOUSE?***
* **Crowd**: *Yeah!*
* **B****atter****y**: This song you are all going to love!
* **Pr****of****il****y**: You might have been singing it for days now, but I know you have not heard it like this!

[*The lights are dimmed, except on stage. An electronic dance-pop beat is played alongside Battery's DJing, Profily's yodelling and the live band accompanying them. This song is essentially the same as the 1989 hit "Bring Me Edelweiss" by the Austrian group Edelweiss, but with Swedish lyrics.*]

* **B****atter****y**: Get up and dance, people, this isn't your Urli's kitchen!
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): We can dance before we eat? How astonishing and quaintly unconventional!
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Told you you were going to love it here!

**Song: "The Profile Picture and the Steakhouse"**

**Vocalist(s)**: Profily *feat.* Battery

**Pr****of****il****y**: ♫ *Udiåråudiåråudiåråudiåråudiåråudi!*

Så om du älskar mej ska du ge mej uppmärksamhet! (**B****atter****y**: Oo-hoo!)

Så om du älskar mej ska du ge mej uppmärksamhet! (**B****atter****y**: Whoo!) ♫

[*Instrumental break. View of the audience, many of whom have never risen from their seats in their life but are now on the dance floor. Pencil and family are seen in the background, the kids talking to themselves and bobbing about vaguely.*]

**B****atter****y**: *Steakhaus.*

**Pr****of****il****y**: Åh, ja!

**B****atter****y**: *Steakhaus.*

**Pr****of****il****y**: Åh, ja!

**B****atter****y**: ♫ *Metzger in seim Häusl!* (**Pr****of****il****y**: Aaaaaa! Mu mu mu!)

**Pr****of****il****y**: *He-i, ho-i, he-i-hiä-du-ri-di-a*

*He-i, ho-i, he-i-hiä-du-ri-di-a*

*He-i, ho-i, he-i-hiä-du-ri-di-a*

*He-i, ho-i-hi, didi!*

**B****atter****y**: [*at the same time*] *He-i-hi, ho-o-hi, he-i-hiä-du-ri-di-a*

*He-i-hi, ho-o-hi, he-i-hiä-du-ri-di-a*

*He-i-hi, ho-o-hi, he-i-hiä-du-ri-di-a*

*He-i-hi, ho-o-hi-ori-o-ah-rüt, didi!* ♫

[*Instrumental break. View of the audience. As Profily continues to mimic the sounds of cow slaughter, we see more and more people dancing.*]

**Pr****of****il****y**: ♫ *Udiåråudiåråudiåråudiåråudiåråudi!*

Så om du älskar mej ska du ge mej uppmärksamhet! (**B****atter****y**: Oo-hoo!)

Så om du älskar mej ska du ge mej uppmärksamhet! ♫

[*Instrumental break. At the table.*]

* **P****en**: [*offering his hand*] Could I have this dance for the rest of the night?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aeh, what the hell. May not be the "hitch-hike" like the olden days, but I'll dance, sure.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Yaaaaaaaay!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Yeah, more food for us!

[*Pencil and Pen get up and head to the dance floor together. View of Profily and band.*]

**Pr****of****il****y**: [*rapping*] *Bodde en gång bland algebraliensarna,*

*Massor av skoj tills dom lät mej stå kvar.*

*Jag vet inte vad som gick fel, nein, nein,*

*Men dom bor på en annan plats just nu.*

*Jag var värd för en spelshow för ett år sen,*

*Sen bestämde jag mej för att gå med alla*

*Andra människor i kommunen Två.*

*Åh, va' fan, jag e' tillbaka och mycke' mer fri igen!*

[*Instrumental break. Battery takes out a cowbell and an accordion and plays both at the same time.*]

**Pr****of****il****y**: ♫ *Udiåråudiåråudiåråudiåråudiåråudi!*

Så om du älskar mej ska du ge mej uppmärksamhet! (**B****atter****y**: Profily, *aufgepaßt!*)

Så om du älskar mej...

**[** **Pr****of****il****y** · **B****atter****y** **]**: You should give me attention now! ♫

[*Applause from the audience, thus bringing this segment to...*]

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

	+ Not really a deleted scene *per se*, but I have no idea what the process of becoming an airport security guard is like (let alone in 1989); in other words, I "did not do the research" whatsoever.
* Near the start of the episode, when Sol asks Pen to help him on his homework.

**P****en**: Sorry, kiddo, I'm afraid I can't help you with that. Your old man might have been on TPOT a long time ago in a time period far, far away, but... I don't know every number besides the basics.
**So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): You mean like Two.
**P****en**: [*claps*] Hey-yeah, you got it!

* The Cake at Stake scene was actually going to be much shorter—only the person eliminated in this episode was going to be revealed in the scene. I decided to extend it a bit longer because, come on, it's the last elimination proper ever.
* After Cake at Stake. I keep forgetting that characters in spin-offs need to be less exaggerated/mean for the sake of keeping viewers (looking at you, Sam Puckett). Alas, this also led to the deletion of a much-needed line about lesbian self-love:

**P****en**: No, this comes from Two. Well, actually, it comes from Gaty.
**P****e****nci****l**: I still find it strange how she doesn't come in through the front door any more.
**P****en**: It's 'cause whenever she talks to me, she feels like she's self-hating or something.
**P****e****nci****l**: Pen, that Gaty's attracted to women to the exclusion of men like you doesn't mean she's self-hating; in fact I believe it means she's got a fine sense of loving herself. A bit like you, but healthier.
**P****en**: What? I meant that she's not into Italians! [*giggles*]
**P****e****nci****l**: [*rolls her eyes*] The letter. Read it. Now.
**P****en**: Okey-doke!

* And another line from this scene:

**P****e****nci****l**: What's Two going around sending us letters for? We're not bad people and the flat's got an open door policy, meaning Two can come in whenever they want. And I must say, dear, they've walked in on us at the most inopportune times! [*raises her eyebrows*]
**Two**: Mm-hmm.

* And another—this line was deleted because I thought it sounded *extremely* wrong:

**P****en**: I know, eh? At least I keep my ink where it belongs, chh.
**P****e****nci****l**: No, you don't, Pen. Sometimes we wake up blue all over!
**P****en**: [*blushing*] I can't help it, it's a condition!

* And another:

**P****e****nci****l**: Wouldn't you rather nick Two's limousine and drive there?
**P****en**: Pencil, those airport security people can be really tough. Tougher than me, as a matter of fact. I want 'em to see me in my best physical condition so they like me more.
**P****e****nci****l**: Suppose I should like to see that too. Besides, who can... [*unsure*] not like you? Go ahead, Pen, but don't hurt yourself.

* A reference in this scene was to be made about *Seinfeld* (objectized as *Shrine-feld*) until I found out the series wasn't all that popular until a little earlier than halfway through its run.
	+ Interestingly enough, I had a dream where *Seinfeld* was one of the top 10 shows of 1989. I don't get out much.
* I periodically forget that Flat 2 isn't supposed to have stairs.
* That night:

**P****e****nci****l**: All this time you didn't know what a homemaker was?
**P****en**: Well, no! They used to call my stepmom that in the '50s, but back then I just thought every woman built houses while their kids were at school!
**P****e****nci****l**: Aye, perhaps I should build a house. And drop it on your head.

* When Pen comes home after day 2:

**P****e****nci****l**: Honey, we've got company.
**P****en**: And the company, I tell ya, they turn a blind eye to that kind of thing, don't ask me why!
**P****e****nci****l**: What is it with you men and ignoring everything but the word *company*? Life ain't a Sondheim musical!

* The siblings were all either going to have a very long last name or nine different ones. I changed it to the -inspired mess you see above.
* During the name-choosing scene:

**Y****es****a**: Aww man, everyone's going to spell it wrong!
**P****e****nci****l**: Don't look at it that way! Just pretend that it, er, represents how unique you all are; in fact, you're so unique that letters don't even begin to describe how so much can be found in just nine of you.
**P****en**: Yeah, and you all have the same name now, so that's perfect!
**P****e****nci****l**: [*looking around*] Oh, kids, quickly pass the clipboard amongst yourselves and sign; Two said they'll be making an announcement about the eliminated people any time soon.
**Y****es****a**: Okay, okay!
[*The* **eliminated contestants** *start to file in silently.* **Two** *can be seen coming in, being carried by Twobots on a little throne.*]
**Y****es****a**: I'll be Carrie Ann Yesa . [*starts writing*]
**Iv****j****ær** (Ivor): *Yesa* has one "S".
**Y****es****a**: Oops. Lou?
**O****is** (Lou): [*takes the clipboard*] Yeah. I guess as a tribute to Dad and one of my favourite TV shows, I'll be Michael... Michaelangelois .
**C****i****l****l****ita** (Ita): Do I have to change my name to something else too?
**P****e****nci****l**: No, honey, but maybe you should cut back on the middle names. I sense a crowd's forming.
**C****i****l****l****ita** (Ita): Right. [*takes the clipboard*]
[*As the conversations among the children and the eliminated contestants increase in volume, fade to black.*]

* Instead of Gelatin's Steakhouse, Pencil and Pen were going to take their kids to a pub, appropriately (?) called "The Armless Dragon" (based on a pub I went to a while back). I changed it to GS to remind people that this is still a season of BFDI.

## Notes

1. ↑ That was the most sitcommest D-plot I've ever written.
2. ↑ She's a good bowler!

**Fake TPOT** [V]