Abnormal Activity (Cardcaptor Sakura Lost Episode)

Alright children, shut the fuck up. It's time that I tell you something. Being a hotel worker is a very hard job for me. How exactly is it hard? Well, there's this crazy dog who was colored pink who had these silly owners bring him in. They moved out so I can't really tell you about them. Enough with the information, let me introduce myself. My name is Katz. I was the owner of my own motel once. But unfortunately, It got closed down due to people making rumors of me claiming that I ran this motel without a license, and this greedy vegetable from the UK named Mr Potato destroyed it with a wrecking ball just like Miley Cyrus.

That damn old potato. I wish he never existed. But anyways, I've got a question for you all out there. Have you ever watched this anime called Cardcaptor Sakura? If you haven't, well, here's something you should know. The show involves a 10 year old girl who is a cardcaptor. She collects all the cards that came from a magical book. Now here's a problem when I watch anime shows like these. I'm in love with 10 year old girls. Why? I have absolutely no idea.

Did you know that there is a horror movie series I don't like? That movie series is Paranormal Activity. Why do I hate it? Because in my opinion, nothing scary even happens except for the jumpscares in the movie. Well, this one episode of Cardcaptor Sakura did a parody of it. Here's how it all started.

One day, I was in this place called The Buttered Biscuit hanging out with my friends whose names are Al Pacino, Shady McShadson, Captain Birdseye, Professor Charles, Richard Costello, Kiki and Markiplier. We had a lot of fun and stuff. One of the things we did was watch the funnypasta super bowl. The teams that played were the scarecrows and the wakandans.

It wasn't until karaoke time came along. I decided to sing the theme song to Cherub Wings. If you don't know about it, It's a christian cartoon that not much people may remember. I went home after that since I was supposed to be in college tomorrow morning.

The next day, I woke up to a knock on the door. I was greeted by a woman named Dallas Grimes who went to the college I went to claiming that there was a shooting 2 days ago, so college was closed for the week. This gave me enough time to study for a cooking exam coming up.

I did manage to study it all. Later on, I was on the internet watching an episode of Cardcaptor Sakura when all of a sudden I got an email from someone named Moses. It described that there's a missing episode of Cardcaptor Sakura I might like. I clicked on the file and it played. It started off with the intro which seemed completely normal. The title of the episode was Abnormal Activity. Aw shucks, I know where all of this was going.

It started with Sakura who happened to be filming herself. She said, "I bought this camera because strange things have been going on in my house in the dead of night." She started panning across rooms that have become satanic all over such as writings on the wall telling Sakura and her family to get out and plenty others.

She then continued speaking by saying, “I don’t know why, but I know for certain that I never used any cards in my card collection that have satanic powers.” Her dad claimed that she forgot to give the cats their food and water. The door suddenly opened revealing Squilliam Fancyson asking if the camera that Sakura is using is his. Sakura claimed “Peace out!” and dropped the camera.

A title card came up and it said, “Night 1.” Sakura was for some reason sleeping in the living room as it was revealed that her dad wanted her room to be completely blessed. All of a sudden, the living room door opened. There were people going up the stairs such as Guy Fieri, Johnathan Maguire, Bear, Julie & Annabelle, Jack Box and Gunnery Sergeant Hartman. Julie & Annabelle started doing that one song from Family Guy where MC Escher goes up the stairs and goes down the stairs and the sideway stairs.

Now how exactly did they get sideway stairs? Well, Bear built them using magic. The next day, Sakura’s dad woke up to notice the sideway stairs. He said, “Sakura, when did we get these kinds of stairs?” Sakura replied by saying, “What stairs? Wait a minute, what kind of staircase is that?”

Before her father could answer, the screen cut to black for 5 seconds. It then faded back to show Sakura having her shower. The problem with this is that her full on-screen nudity was being shown. I didn’t like this at all! I really wanted to masturbate to this but that’s probably one of the reasons I have trouble breathing most times.

Sakura said, “Whatever these creatures are doing to our house better have a good excuse whenever I meet them!” Another title card came on and it read, “Night 2.” Sakura was back in her room finally. She was sleeping just calmly when these monkeys came in and started dancing to Gangnam Style.

All of a sudden, footsteps were heard presuming that Sakura’s father was coming up the stairs. The monkeys shut off the radio and went to hide in the closet. “Sakura, do you have any idea what time it is?” But Sakura was still sleeping. “Oh, she was asleep. Wait a minute!” Her father proclaimed. “Sakura, I think I know what’s causing all this mayhem! I forgot to pay my bills to the funnypasta corporation.”

When Sakura heard it, she decided to help her dad with it. They did it together and then another title card came up saying, “Night 3.” Sakura’s dad was guarding the bedroom to make sure that no more funnypasta characters were in the house. Just then, Turban Beardie who happened to be the boss of the funnypasta corporation was gonna tell the father that he needs to pay the bill or the house is gone but dad managed to slam him with a baseball bat.

“Stop sending people to our house you asshole!” He screamed. Turban managed to leave the house later on. Then it went to the credits. That was some episode. I decided to delete the file off of the computer and I went to move on.

I was walking down the street with my headphones on just listening to some good ole Owl City until I managed to slip on a banana peel. I landed on my back with my eyes closed. I’m not sure how that happened but moving on. I opened my eyes to see Moses. He asked me, “Well my friend, what did you think of that episode?”

I replied angrily saying, “You bastard! I never liked a single minute of it, you know I hate the Paranormal Activity series. Plus that shower scene in the episode contained FULL, ON-SCREEN, NUDITY!” Moses apologized to me and offered me a butterfinger. I accepted his apology and went around the town telling people to not lay a finger on my butterfinger just like Bart Simpson.

The next day, I went to this arts and crafts store to buy myself some crayola markers when all of a sudden I got paused by this table. And no! The table wasn’t talking. It was completely still.

This art teacher named Colonel Bolonel claimed that he’s far too sick to teach class today and was wondering if I could help the kids make art today. If I did, he’d pay me 20,000 dollars. I accepted his deal and got out my trusty art board. By the way, if you’re curious about the children, let me tell you about them.

Their names are Sway Sway, Buhdeuce, Ted Wiggins, Justin, Kit Secord, Penny Peterson, some girls from Kids Favorite Songs 2 and Telly. I taught them how to paint a picture just like my old pal Bob Ross who I unfortunately can’t tell you about cause I’m drunk.

The day was successful and I got the money I deserved. I then went to Round Table Pizza and ordered a hawaiian pizza. You know, upon looking at the lost episode, I found it to be very bad. But it’s my opinion. I got lunch to eat so take a few steps away from me. Thank you!