Smiling Critters:Uncut

Please note:this is a funnypasta/sadpasta hybrid

Hello,reader you know about the smiling critters?those care bear parodies?yeah I have a story to tell about them:

One day I was watching teletubby hentai at my job at mcdonald’s and then my boss gave me employee of the month thing and a vhs called “smiling critters:uncut” I went home and watched it and holy balls I never thought I’d cry,laugh,shit,piss,vomit and cum at the same video:

It began with the critters having a sleepover at dogday’s and then catnap showed up and put them to sleep and suddenly the police showed up(a german shepard) and started beating catnap and one of them(which was a pig)said “STOP RESISTING,SCUMBAG!” and then they threw him in their car and catnap ended up in court

”ORDER,ORDER,ORDER I AM THE HONORABLE JUDGE POOBY AND TODAY WE WILL BE HEARING THE CASE OF CATNAP WHO IS BEING CHARGED WITH GETTING KIDS ADDICTED TO NAROTICS”said the judge(who was a kangaroo) “honor,I just wanted to help my friends,they needed help sleeping and I’m the cat they go to!” said catnap pleading on his knees while the judge ordered a guard to do a cavity search on catnap and they found plenty of narotics and then the judge shouted “GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY!I AM SENTENCING YOU TO LIFE IN PADDED CELL!” and then catnap was put into a straitjacket and was thrown into a padded cell while the smiling critters were with their parents “will we ever see catnap again?” said craftycorn “I don’t know” said bobby bearhug and when the other critters left Pickypiggy’s dad said “picky,remember just tell your friends I was just meeting my arrest quotent”.

A week passed as we see dogday with his grandmother(who looked like an older version of him only older,an apron and a vagina) baking cookies and then dogday saw the crescent moon which triggered a flashback in which dogday was baking cookies with catnap only for catnap to make him stoned,and then dogday said “I’ll be in my room” in a sad tone and then we see hoppy hopscotch in a martial arts tournament(her teammates are a turtle,a panda and a skunk) and her dad was watching as she was compteting with a gorilla (it’s teammates were a cat,a praying mantis and a monkey) and when hoppy saw the cat she remembered a time where catnap was helping her practice her martial arts and then she broke down crying and then hoppy’s father came to comfort her: “what’s wrong,kiddo?” said hoppy’s father “d-d-dad c-c-catnap’s in j-j-jail now and I..I…I”said hoppy before crying even more “I’LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN,CATNAP’S GONE FOREVER” and then the turtle(who was wearing a red bandana on his head) fucking thwaped her and knocked her over as he said “thanks for making us lose the tournament,you shrek-looking freak” and then her panda teammate (who was fat and only wearing brown shorts ) PROCEEDED TO FUCKING TEABAG THE POOR RABBIT, and then her teacher(who was a fly) started screaming “HOPPY HOPSCOTCH,YOU DUMB,YOU DUMB,YOU FUCKING DUMB,YOU THE DUMBEST FUCKING THING ON THIS PLANET,YOU MADE US FAIL THE TOURNAMENT AND THAT MAKES YOU DUMB”LIKE SHE JUST WENT THROUGH A EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN LEAVE HER ALONE! and then hoppy hopscotch(who was fully broken at this point)broke down some more saying “I just don’t know what went wrong” as she was crying her fucking eyes out and then her dad(who I forgot to mention looked like her only fatter,had a moustache,a blue cap,a referee shirt,a whistle and a penis)said “hey sunshine,even though you lost I’ll take you to mcdonald’s because after all you’re my little champ” while the “little champ” and “sunshine” thing was kinda cliche it genuinely touched my heart and then hoppy said “really? even though I screwed up?” her dad said “sure “ then she started getting excited saying “I LOVE YOU DAD!” and sometime later she finally went home and after she got in an optimus prime onesie her dad wished her goodnight saying “sweet dreams,angel” and hoppy said “night dad” and then she had a nightmare where her teammates(and the other smiling critters(including catnapfor some reason) harassed and bullied her even further causing her to have another emotional breakdown but luckily her dad was there to comfort her.After that depressing and heartwarming at the same time shitshow it was time to see what bubba bubbaphant was up to,It began with bubba building a robot before putting a picture of catnap’s face on it and the robot said “I do not see anything,father” and then bubba’s mother(who looked like him only with blond hair,a blue headband,a pink dress,pearl necklace and earrings and a vagina) came in and dear god:she was FUCKING THICC I was never so horny for a character in a 1980’s kid’s show before and I busted the mother of all nuts told him dinner was ready and dinner sure as hell was ready if the meal was ass and then his father(who wore a green shirt and jeans) said “Bubba,it’s time to move on from that retarded cat colored like barney’s big fat penis” and bubba said “ok” as he ripped the catnap picture off the robot as the robot said “I can see again,thank you father!” bubba said “no problem,son” and then they made out as we got another shot of bubba’s mom’s thicc ass as I busted another nut and cum was everywhere and then we saw the other critters:kickinchicken was making putpickypiggy while driving a dunebuggy while surfing in space and then he saw catnap in the stars and gave a salute while bobby bearhug and craftycorn where drawing pictures.and then we see dogday’s house again with the critters having another sleepover with dogday everyone he got catnap at the sleepover only for it to be a poorly made mascot costume only with the head and torso and it was just a pedophile and the critters were reasonably pissed as hoppy hopscotch shoved dogday’s face in the mud and then she said “ATLEAST NOW YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO GO THROUGH RECENTLY,BITCH!” and then all of a sudden a box chevy pulled up and a figure walked up to kickinchicken who was outback getting his penis sucked by bobby and poured hot cooking oil all over him as he turned into kentucky fried chicken while bobby bearhug was stabbed through the head and with craftycorn’s horn and then we see pickypiggy talking to bubba bubbaphant but when bubba turned around he saw a figure holding raw bacon and then he got killed as his robot came up saying “give me some sugar,father” and then hoppy hopscotch and dogday were playing a fighting game(hoppy was a robot and dogday was a ninja girl)and then dogday got stabbed through the heart and then hoppy turned around to see a figure in a trenchcoat and a hockey mask weilding a machete “w-w-who are you?” said hoppy hopscotch who was having her final emotional breakdown and then the figure turned out to be catnap as he sliced into hoppy’s heart and ate it like an apple.We then see a church with a lamb priest giving the whole spiel as we see the smiling critter’s friends and families crying (except bubba’s father who was doing cocaine) and then bubba’s robot jumped into the coffin saying “do not leave me,father I just bought bdsm gear!” and then the whole hearse thing happened with kitt transporting them and there was a joke where someone asked kitt for his autograph and kitt just hit him. the episode ended with catnap staring at the camera and the credits rolled with fart music playing.

I was traumatized and the takeaway is to never watch teletubbies hentai at work

## REFERENCES

Teletubbies:teletubby hentai is shown

PAW patrol:the german shephard police officer resembles chase and marshall appears at the funeral

SML:judge pooby is a clear reference to the character of the same name,hoppy’s karate instructor is a reference to jackie chu and his obsession with calling children dumb is also referenced,Bubba Bubbaphant’s parents resemble Hank and Suzanne Huckerdoo,the box chevy gag is referenced and booger appears at the funeral

Silence of the lambs:Catnap in his straitjacket and mask is a reference to hannibal lecter

Super Mario Bros:In dogday’s grandma’s house’s fridge:a note from dr.mario is seen

Invader Zim:on the same fridge a magnet of the irken empire logo is seen

Wreck-it Ralph:Sprites of felix and ralph are shown as magnets on the same fridge

Top Gun:a Jet with the top gun logo’s wings is shown as a magnet

Sonic the Hedgehog:footage of splash hill zone from sonic 4 is shown on the tv screen and sonic and knuckles appear at the funeral

Portal:a picture of a bone with the text “the bone is a lie” is a reference to portal’s “the cake is a lie”

Kung fu Panda:the panda and mantis are clear references to po and master mantis

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:the turtle is a clear reference to the franchise,Catnap has Casey Jones’ mask and michelangelo and master splinter appear at the funeral

Skunk fu:The skunk is a clear reference to Skunk Fu

Dragon ball Z:the gorilla resembles goku

Happy tree friends:the monkey resembles buddhist monkey and flippy appears at the funeral

Shrek:The cat resembles puss in boots,shrek himself is mentioned as an insult and elizabeth the dragon and donkey appear at the funeral

my little pony:hoppy hopscotch’s mantra is actually derpy hooves catchphrase and rainbow dash appears at the funeral

Masters of the Universe:The toys the smiling critters got are figures from masters of the universe,rattle-hood appears at the funeral

Transformers:Hoppy Hopscotch has optimus prime pajamas and a Poster of a blue C3 Corvette with flames on the hood resembling the alt mode of tracks,kickinchicken’s dunebuggy is based on Beachcomber

Mobile suit gundam:an action figure resembling RX-78-2 appears in hoppy’s room

Godzilla:A toy of a dinosaur resembling godzilla appears on the floor in hoppy hopscotch’s room

Thomas and friends:a toy resembling thomas the tank engine appears on the windowsill in hoppy hopscotch’s room

Battletoads:action figures of rash and zitz appear in hoppy’s room,zitz appears at the funeral

WALL•E:the robot bubba bubbaphant built resembles the titular robot

Big Hero 6:The robot bubba bubbapbant builds has baymax’s face(in blue) and catnap’s trenchcoat is based on yokai’s

Barney and Friends:Barney the dinosaur is mentioned

Treasure Planet:the surfing in space part is a reference to this film

Fat Albert:The pedophile resembles a white fat albert in blue-and-white striped underpants and a tanktop

Cyborg justice:Hoppy’s character in the game resembles the cyborgs from this game

Street fighter:dogday’s character resembles a cross between chun li and a ninja from mortal kombat

Cult of the lamb:the priest resembles the lamb

Winnie the Pooh:pooh and tigger are seen at the funeral

Knight Rider:K.I.T.T. is the hearse at the funeral

Among us:crewmates are seen at the funeral

Spider-man:spider-ham appears at the funeral

Ice age:sid appears at the funeral

Altered beast:Neff in his van vader form and the weredragon appear at the funeral

Asterix:an anthropomorphic version of dogamatix(wearing obelix’s helmet and pants) appears at the funeral

Madagascar:Alex,Marty and Skipper appear at the funeral

Garten of banban:stinger flynn appears at the funeral

Angry Birds:Red,Chuck,Bomb,Jay,terence and a minion pig appear at the funeral,the “I’m da biggest bird” meme is referenced

## TRIVIA

The person who wrote this has a disability and is allowed to say the r word

The focus on hoppy hopscotch is because hoppy is the author’s favorite smiling critter

why the fuck did I put so many pop culture references!?

Hoppy hopscotch’s emotional breakdowns are inspired by the fact a dev confirmed her,craftycorn and catnap could be autistic and the writer’s personal experiences

The smiling critters having parents is a reference to the writer’s headcanon that they are in fact children

My balls itch