The Treatment

There is a treatment for everything, no matter how annoying.

## Transcript

Jason: Doctors, I'm afraid John Gibson is here to see you again.
Whitney: Oh, not again! That hypochondriac is single-handedly driving up health care costs in the United States.
Mallory: Yeah, I think it's time for the treatment that we discussed.
Jason: Are you sure? It's awfully risky, it's never been tested before.
Whitney: I don't think we have a choice. Let's do it.

Matt: Oh, doctor. Thank you for seeing me. I was just reading about smallpox on Wikipedia and I am absolutely convinced that I have it because of this mumps right here. Do you see that?
Whitney: I see. John, we just got your test results back from the lab from when you were last here to see us two hours ago.
Matt: Yes.
Whitney: Well, John, it turns out you were right about everything. You really do have polio, yellow fever, heart parasites, restless leg syndrome, sixteen distinct types of malaria, and by your own description "all the plagues".
Matt: Oh, how long do I have?
Whitney: Thirty seconds, tops.
Matt: Oh no, I knew it all along.
Whitney: Shh, you fought a good fight. We're going to name the disease after you. We will call it the "John Gibson TDS", that stands for "total disaster syndrome".
Matt: Thank you, that's very kind of you.

Matt: Can't be too careful. This is it, I can feel myself slipping.
Whitney: Time of death: 2:41 PM.
Matt: Oh no, I'm still here, doctor. Hello? I'm not dead yet, I'm still alive!
Whitney: Time to call the funeral home.
Matt: I must be dead! What do I do now?

Jason: Ha ha ha.
Matt: The devil!
Jason: John Gibson! I am afraid your annoying life of tormenting medical personnel has earned you a place in my kingdom.
Matt: No, how could that be? I couldn't have been that bad?
Jason: Really? You don't remember the season you got thirty-six flu shots on the first day they were available? And do you remember how many elderly people were unable to get them that year?
Matt: Exactly thurty-six.
Jason: Yes! And they all died!
Matt: What?!
Jason: No, just kidding. There's a little evil humor for you. But seriously, two of them got really, really sick.
Matt: Oh, I feel awful.
Jason: That's because you're an awful person, John. And you belong with me. Ha ha.
Matt: No!

Mallory: Not so fast! Behold: me!
Matt: An angel!
Mallory: Yes, I have come to barter for this man's soul. Prring!
Jason: Ha ha! You must think me mad for this is the single most annoying man I have ever seen.
Mallory: Yes, he is very annoying.
Matt: But is that enough to earn me an eternity of torment?
Mallory: Yes.
Jason: Yes.
Matt: Okay.

Mallory: You have to understand, John, in your life you were super, super annoying. And also, your doctors were too polite to tell you this, but you were always reeked of amonia.
Matt: Well, it's very clean.
Jason: And you also stole the tongue depressors after every visit.
Matt: What? No, I didn't.
Jason: Well then who the heck took our...
Mallory: Focus!

Jason: You are coming with me!
Matt: No, but I don't deserve this!
Mallory: Enough! You shall not take him, be gone... red demon!
Jason: Ah, gnashing of teeth.

Matt: So it's off to heaven, then?
Mallory: No John, I'm not going to take you either.
Matt: Oh no, do I go to some kind of in-between place? Is it Canada?
Mallory: No, okay, I'm going to send you back to your body, but you must promise to never trouble your doctors again.
Matt: Oh, but what do I do, in life I was so sick?
Mallory: Yes, I've thought of that, and that is why I will cure you with just the touch of my heavenly hand.
Matt: Oh. Amazing.

Matt: Goodbye, heavenly messenger.
Whitney: John? You're alive?
Matt: Yes! And what's more, I'm completely cured of all diseases.
Whitney: Amazing, you have the strongest heart I've ever heard.
Matt: Learn it, doctor, I require your services no more. Farewell.
Whitney: Go, and be sure to pay your $25 copay at the front desk.

Mallory: Nicely done, everyone.
Jason: Yeah, can't believe that worked. Nice slap, by the way.
Mallory: felt good.
Jason: Yeah.
Whitney: Ah man, what a relief. We have to call him back in here though, because he really does have smallpox.

## Trivia

* This sketch was uploaded the day after the episode aired on BYUtv.
* This is the second sketch of Season 2 Episode 5.
* This is the first sketch since Peter Pan's Shadow to only feature the four members of the main cast, and the third sketch of Season 2, after Insane Drivers Ed Teacher Scares Students.
* This is the seventieth sketch to feature Whitney (Call) Meek.
* This is the longest sketch of Season 2 Episode 5, and the longest sketch since 1-800-Phone-Magician.