Headhunters 4: The Hawaii Five-O

## Introduction

I was sure that Sure-Oh would burrow her way into the final five but whattaya know Joe, another top-scoring team is donzoh.

## In Memorium: burrow for sure-oh

There are always two...master and apprentice. Like the Sith lords of Star Wars lore, the Van Rossums always go in pairs. Last week, the evil emperor was vanquished and this week Darth Chanious joins him. Exactly like last season, the Bad VRs leave us in tandem having once again done damage but not enough to come close to victory.

I admit, I write these every week wholly aware of the fact that I have never made it this far in Headhunters. I am tasked with passing judgment despite never being good enough to advance into the final eight weeks of the season. With that said, I gasped when I saw the roster that burrow for sure-oh started this week in a six team elimination league.

Sure-Oh rolled out Dawson Knox on TNF against one of the league's best defenses and just like Fort Knox there were zero points of entry. There were eleven TEs with higher totals on the season than Knox available, including the Providence Friars-muth who at the time of this writing has a whopping 42 more points this season than Knox. Sure enough, sure-oh found herself up Dawson's Creek without a paddle early.

The other glaring start/sit problem had to be Indy Defense. There is a reason why they're called the Cowboys and it's because they're skilled at breaking Colts. It's a shame because the answer to their problems took place within the same state of Texas. Against Houston, the Cleveland Browns dropped 50 fucking fantasy points, leading the club to file a 25th lawsuit against Deshaun Watson for harrassment. Those 50 points would have been just enough to save them if they had been paying the tiniest bit of attention.

I do wonder if maybe the problem is that Chantel is very pregnant with her baby girl. We all know men are better at Fantasy Football than women and it's possible that having two female brains (each a third the size of male brains according to science) running one team contributed to some poor decision-making.

Alternatively, losing out on some key bids - like AJ Brown by a dollar - may have discouraged Burrow from forging forward. We all know that her husband, Nate, basically folds if he has one thing go wrong, so it makes sense that she'd learn from that poor behavior and in this case it cost them dearly.

Of course, at this stage of the game, not everything is in your control. Other than Joe Burrow, who is a sure-oh thing this time of year, some of the key guys simply did not execute. It's easy for me to say in hindsight that they shouldn't have started Etienne or Walker, both dealing with injuries. That's revisionist history.

Speaking of history...

burrow for sure-oh:

## Dead Money

Keeping track of all the cash that never got spent by teams that are now eliminated.

Dead Money 2022

## New Releases

1. Joe Burrow
2. Nick Chubb
3. Travis Etienne Jr.
4. Tee Higgins
5. Keenan Allen

## Week Thirteen Bidding Results

* Real "what the fuck are you people doing" week of bidding here.
* Someone explain the logic of Tyreek Hill, league leader in receptions and receiving yards, going for $11 with just two competing bids, while Ja'Marr Chase coming off injury garnered four bids and went for $45?
* Not to mention the team that won Chase didn't even put a "see-what-happens" bid on Hill...how is that a thing? No room on the roster for him?
* Out of Luck...where do I begin? The $55 he spent on Prescott was enough to win Tyreek Hill, Mark Andrews, Dalvin Cook, and DeAndrew Hopkins and still have $13 to spare. Instead he heads into week 14 with no money and the weakest remaining roster.
* Hasta gets a little bit of payback this week after overbidding on Josh Allen the week before. He was the runner-up bid on Chase with $9, way less than McBungalow's $45. Meanwhile, Beach Mc also spent $45 on Tua despite no competing bids.
* Alvin Kamara might not be having a great fantasy season but it was still shocking for me to see him picked up for free.

## Narrow Defeats

Margin of Defeat for Last Place Teams:

One of the worst losses ever in Headhunters this week.

## Rulers of the Kingdom

2022 first place finishers:

More like HOTsta Laviska, amiright? This is the first time a team has finished in first three straight times since 2019 when deCaPitated did it from weeks 12-14. He of course went on to lose the championship to Blitz! Track 2.

## Dungeon Dwellers

2022 teams that finished second-to-last, narrowly avoiding elimination:

## Single Season Scoring Records

As teams get eliminated, their single season performance will appear here.

It was Chantel's best season but still feels like a disappointment considering the hot start to the year.

Now we start to enter into all-time territory. As it stands now, several teams are primed to make an assault on CP's single-season record, including CP himself.

## All-Time Combined Points Scored

Same as above: eliminated teams will have their 2022 season added to the total.

Even with one fewer season, burrow for sure-oh has had great runs in back-to-back years and they are ahead of four year teams like Bad Boys, Henry VIII, Mixon it Up, and Bobecue Chicken.

In other news, deCaPitated needs just 170.82 points to become the first team to break 10,000 points in Headhunters history.