Suddard: Sudfinity War

Suddard: Sudfinity War

Suddard 18, or Suddard: Sudfinity War was released in 2014. It forms what is known as "The Sudfinity Trilogy" with Suddard 16: The Three Doctors (2010) and Suddard: Civil War (2012). This grouping has been created as the events in these three films form one larger plot that affects the entire Suddard Universe. This installment subtitled "Sudfinity War" was adapted from the popular Old Man Suddard, "Last Sud of Crypt-on" storyline from 2009. The trilogy was directed by Rebadow Busmalis and featured the return of Patty Rick as the star. This film marks the End of OLD MAN SUDDARD PHASE 1 within the Suddard cinematic Universe and brings everything so far to an epic conclusion.  Following the end of the previous film, a trailer was shown in selected cinemas across the USA and UK. It would later be shown to wider audiences one week later. In it, a destroyed Horton could be seen. It is a deserted wasteland. The sentence, "All Sud things must come to an end" appears on the screen before the camera zooms in on Suddards broken goggles. A boot then comes down on the goggles shattering them completely. The screen fades to black before the words "Suddard: Sudfinity War" and "2014" appear on the screen. One year later another trailer would be released showing Suddard, Benji and all of the other characters that appeared in Civil War stood side by side, bloodied, in front of a ruined building. In this trailer, Suddard utters the words, "He's coming." before cutting to black.  In mid 2013, the true tagline for the film was released along with a poster showing the broken goggles. This tagline is as follows,  "Same to some. Hell to all."

                                                                              SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE RIDE.

Synopsis

The film opens with Old Man Suddard thinking about the strange crystal/stone that he found in his anus. He rubs the crystal between his fingers before leaving to go on a Suddardy patrol. He thinks about how Sudamantium was not the thing that fueled him as he defeats a couple of muggers on the streets of Horton. He meets with Benji Handslam later that day, showing him the strange crystal. Benji is confused but suggests that they take it to Dr. Kazama up on satellite mountain. The pair head there with Captain Great, who is a friend of the doctor. The four discuss the crystal which turns out to be part of a meteorite before a mysterious alien creature attacks the mountain, slaughtering the doctor and Captain Great before killing Suddard. Suddard immediately revives and kills the alien. As the alien dies, he tells Suddard that his master is coming.

       Meanwhile, a large alien warship lands on the moon. A group of bladed warriors with Missouri accents murder a group of astronauts before sending a message to NASA. This message is the words, "The Master will arrive."

       Bing Lee and Tequila Mockingbird are fucking when they see this report on the television. They hear of the attack on Satellite Mountain and head out to meet Suddard and Benji. Tequila tries to tell something to Lee but she is interrupted. The four learn that these alien beings have attacked a few places around the world, killing many of them, including their friend, The Walrus. The group realise that the alien who attacked them was after the crystal and that somehow when the crystal is near Suddard, it send out an extremely low frequency into space. Suddard destroys the crystal but it is too late. The massive warship and it's fleet burst through the Earth's atmosphere and begin slaughtering people all over the world. A message is sent to the mind's of every person on the planet saying that Earth is to be taken by the Cryptonians. The voice reveals itself to belong to the master alien being known as "Big Pa Suddard." He deems the planet weak and therefore should be destroyed. First though he claims that he wants to face the one person that he deems to be worthy of fighting him. That is his son, Suddard.  Suddard is shocked by the message revealing his father as the leader of an alien race and quickly refuses the battle. Big Pa then claims that he will keep slaughtering humans until Suddard faces him and that he would reward anyone who captures Suddard. Teresa and Moltengold attempt to apprehend Suddard but the core group of Benji, Tequila and Lee are forced to fight them and kill them. Suddard escapes to his swamp as the world slowly crumbles around him.

He soon gets another message from Big Pa, telling him that his army would be coming for him. Suddard is then rapidly attacked by a high ranking alien Warrior. He kills Suddard but Suddard revives before beheading the warrior.  Big Pa is watching this telepathically and notes that Suddard can revive. He realises that this is impossible for a Cryptonian and so deduces that Horton AKA The Eternal Womb must fuel him. He realises that Suddard is the only one who stands in the way of his ultimate Prize and so, in order to win, he must destroy Horton. Suddard, meanwhile has met up with Tequila, Lee and Benji again and the four head to release Pluggy from cryogenic suspension. Another fight takes place here against a giant alien. The five then head to Horton's library where they usually get their information and learn the exact same thing that Big Pa just did. The group learn that they need to defend The Womb and that this is the only way to defeat the aliens. They rally together The Maori, Windbreaker, Sloth, Toast, Roboizzy, Symphony, Chocolate Ma, Hyperwave, Lobe, Type A, Locust, Shadowhawk and Vajely Cruz. Together these 18 warriors plan to defend Horton from the enemy. Big Pa sends his first Wave to Horton, which the group barely manage to fight off, with Chocolate Ma being killed. Suddard tells the others that they still have time to flee if they want and that none of them have to fight. Fearing for their lives, Vajely Cruz and Toast decide to bow out of the operation along with a salty Lee who proclaims that he is far to weak to be Horton's true protector.

             Soon after, a second wave hits The Womb, which destroys Robo Izzy and is only stopped when Symphony uses her mighty powers to sacrifice herself and destroy them. The remaining twelve watch as the rest of the world is destroyed. The Maori cries as New Zealand is demolished. Big Pa announces that he will do this himself and immediately appears in Horton. He claps his hands, sending Shadowhawk, Hyperwave, Sloth, Lobe and Windbreaker to the other side of the world before putting a force field around Horton, telling Suddard that he wants no interruptions. The Maori, Suddard, Tequila, Benji, Type A, Locust and Pluggy watch this in shock at how quickly Big Pa Suddard dismissed their friends. Lee has not left Horton and so is still trapped within the forcefield. He sees the group get blasted across the sky but can't do anything. The Maori is enraged by his home being destroyed and attacks Big Pa. Pa uses The Maori's spear on him and puts it through his leg breaking it. The Maori screams as Type A and Locust carry him off to safety. Pa begins destroying buildings and Suddard feels himself getting weaker. He coughs up blood and he knows that Horton is his true home. Big Pa Suddard blasts Benji, Pluggy and Tequila to the side and battles Suddard in a 1 on 1 fight. Suddard is no match for the alien who reveals that Suddard is his son. Suddard is told that his true name is Lah-l and that he was sent to Earth as a baby in order to scout the planet and devour it. When Big Pa lost the link with his son after the spaceship crash landed, he sent a meteorite, part of Crypton, to the planet in order to locate him. It landed in the wilderness where Rudge found it, and gave it's energy to power Bullker.  Sadly being away from the meteorite from the planet that fuels him, Big Pa lost his abilities to detect Earth, his powers laying dormant until Suddard shat out the crystal. Suddard grew up in Horton and due to the Cryptonian way, became linked to Horton instead of his home planet. He gives Suddard one last chance to join him. Suddard refuses, saying, "This is mah home planet." and so, Big Pa breaks Suddard's goggles, levels Horton and kills him. All that is left of Horton is rubble and sand. Big Pa lahl's as he knows that he has finally won. Tequila and the others watch in shock before she attacks Big Pa. Pa impales her which Lee sees, having decided to return to the fight. Lee is angered by this and harnesses his salty powers becoming "The Red Salt". He destroys the forcefield around Horton before collapsing. He holds Tequila's hand as she dies, revealing that he knew she was pregnant.

Big Pa then sets his sights on Benji, smelling his blood. "Y'all gots mah boy in ya" he says. He fights Benji as Pluggy desperately tries to harness the powers of his plugness to recharge Horton. This fails as it's fucking stupid but Pluggy manages to fight off and destroy every alien except Big Pa before collapsing from his wounds. Benji continues to take on Big Pa Suddard but is no match whatsoever and has his arms broken. He falls to his knees, looking around at his fallen comrades, Benji knows that the Earth is now Pa's. There is no hope. Benji looks up as Big Pa punches him, shattering his spine and knocking him out. Big Pa Suddard grins as he looks at the destruction that he has caused. He Lahl's thusly and gives a long speech about his triumph. Suddenly he hears the phrase, "Same to some." He turns to see Tequila's stomach and Vagina glowing. Suddard magically slides out of her and stands up. He grins and Big Pa stands in shock. Suddard then says, "Hell to all."

       It is revealed that when Horton was destroyed, the prophesised, "eternal womb" transfered to the closest possibility resulting in Suddard rapidly growing and being reborn from Tequila. Holding a crusty sock, Suddard launches at Big Pa with all of his new powers. He is now far stronger than Pa. Pa screams for mercy as Suddard teabags him. "I'm your father!" Pa screams, "We are family."

      Suddard raises the sock, "That origin is non canon. These people, right here, this is my family." He then destroys Pa's skull with the sock leaving him dead, in a bloody mess in the Black lake of Horton. Suddard looks around at the destruction but he has won. He harnesses his power and the blood that he shared with Tequila, reviving her, Horton and everyone else in the world but sadly none of the heroes who died within Horton. Type A and Locust carry The Maori towards the others and the group manages to awaken Pluggy and Bing Lee, (now in his original form). Using his last bit of enhanced power, Suddard throws the sock so hard that it goes into space and destroys Crypton. The group stand up, everything back to normal. Suddard then gets sick, Tequila's baby falls out of his mouth. It cries. Suddard apologises for having to eat the child to make room for him but Lee and Tequila are rejoiced to have a little baby girl! Suddard turns to see Benji, whom he had forgotten about. He grabs his friend and hold him. Benji speaks softly, "I can't feel my legs."

The camera zooms out from the group and reveals that those who were blasted away from Horton are safe and sound. A news report sums up the alien invasion and thanks the people who protected Horton and the Planet. In the final scene we see Suddard's swamp. It now has a mansion there instead of a shitty cottage thanks to a grant from the government. Suddard looks around. The other heroes are there too. Lee and Tequila hold the baby. Benji can be seen sat in a wheelchair.  He moves over to Suddard and Lee. The Maori can be seen sat in a tree in the background, his leg fully healed with Pluggy on the porch, drinking a beer. Suddard apologises to Benji for the situation but Benji just smiles. "It's all going to be okay. We've come together and made a difference."

       Suddard grins, "Same to all."

   The camera zooms out to reveal a group of students heading towards the mansion. A sign can be seen. It reads, "Welcome to the Suddard Home for Powered People."

The film ends with a quote from Richard Bach narrated by Suddard, "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life."

Trivia

Patty Rick performed most of the soundtrack using his own voice.

This film won an award for most offensive Suddard film of all time.

The crusty sock won an award for best semen filled prop in an action film, not counting Patty Rick himself.

Long time fans will recall the "Suddard Home for Powered People" from the comic, Strange Stories of Suddard #147, a non-canon tale where Suddard grooms a team of children that the world loaths and fears to commit hate crimes.