Headhunters 5: The Hawaii Five-O

## Introduction

Glorio fires a warning shot over the Horsemen's Bow but falls short of chopping his head, instead opting to take out the seemingly unkillable Müller Lite.

## In Memoriam: Müller Lite

He may have two dots over his U, but Müller also seemed to have nine lives. This week we say goodbye to the man whose name still makes no sense to me and no I will not Google it.

I said last week that Lite would live or die by Justin Herbert, and this week he made like Justin Herbert Hoover because he was heading the roster when Great Depression set in. But like Obama with the banks, Michael Pittman came to the table with a bail out plan. Michael "Jackson" Pittman moonwalked his way into the endzone and played with those kids all day long. But DK Metcalf had already put Headless Horsemen far ahead, and it was going to take more than the horseshoe on Pittman's helmet to give Müller Lite the Müller Luck he needed to survive.

And yet, on MNF, it really came down to the final drive. Ja'Marr Chase was a late swap, with Lite hoping for a little pop in the final hour and the pop was anything but little. Nearly breaking 40 points, Chase had Headless wiping his brow all night long as Lawrence and Kirk both went down, leaving only Calvin to RIDtheLEYgue of Lite. But before going down, Trevor Lawrence of Arabia had trekked all the way across the desert to the endzone and had put up enough points to cushion the onslaught that followed.

Müller really had team of destiny vibes. They had done a great job of saving money, while also continuing to bolster the roster. They had some real talent, but got screwed with a Herbert/Allen stack that had no incentive to move the ball against what has to be a bottom-10 offense of all time, right? Just checked. The 0-16 Lions averaged 16.75 points a game. The Patriots are averaging 12.33. So there you go. And it is ironic that as a Jets fan, the main reason why Müller was eliminated this week was because the Patriots are finally so bad that one of the highest powered passing attacks was able to win with 6 points.

In any case, this isn't goodbye, this is just see you later.

Müller Lite:

## Dead Money

Keeping track of all the cash that never got spent by teams that are now eliminated.

Dead Money 2023

This one hurts. Müller had $233 left.

## Top New Releases

1. Keenan Allen (again)
2. Ja'Marr Chase (again)
3. Amon-Ra St. Brown (again)
4. Michael Pittman Jr.
5. Rachaad White

## Week Thirteen Bidding Results

### Quick-Hit Thoughts

* Last Year's Most Expensive Player: Dak Prescott- $55 (Out of Luck...wait, do we do this every year with Dak where we're like "this is his best season yet" and then he eventually bombs?)
* Biggest Overpay: Amon-Ra St. Brown ($35 over next highest bid - Müller Lite)
* Narrowest Margin of Bid Victory: Jahmyr Gibbs (Waiver Priority - Henry VIII)
* Müller and Henry flaunting their cash: one or both of them were involved in the bidding wars for each of the top six players won.
* Nice under the radar pickup of Barkley by Obi-Wan.
* Tank Dell becomes one of many deaths to come if Headless Horsemen does not devote himself to the one true Fantasy Gawd.
* So the story with Stevenson is that KVR wanted an auction with a $20 minimum. I put in the $20 minimum bid to set the floor, but didn't let anybody involved know I was doing this. So when I won the fucking guy, I felt like the only right thing to do was keep his ass instead of trying to go back to KVR and say actually this wasn't a real bid. So whatever, it doesn't matter, because now he has no ankles and I'm out 20 bucks.

## Excessive Spend

Excessive spend is anything over a single dollar more than the next highest bid for the player you won, and does not take into account the talent level or value of the player.

KVR has only just now passed Bobecue Chicken in wasted spend, who was eliminated in week 3.

## Week Thirteen Results

* Biggest Climber: Henry VIII (^3)
* Biggest Faller: Obi-Wan/Headless (v2)

## Kings of the Castle

### 1. Henry VIII

The first team to ever go from "definitely dead" to top-10 score of all time. When Rhamondre StevenDONE went down early and Jahmyr couldn't Gibb a shit about scoring, it looked like game over for Commish. But the Brock/Deebo connection brought in 109 points, and Russell Wilson proved to be a serviceable replacement for Lamar Jackson. With Puka on the bench breaking 30, it is a sign that the final weeks comes down to making the right decision between a bunch of dudes with similar projections.

### 2. Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack

Hot Streak Hill continues to forge forward towards the single-season yardage record, while Alvin Kamara beats the competition worse than that dude's face at the night club in Vegas. LaPorta found la porta to the endzone yet again and is one of the biggest fantasy surprises of the season, while Cooper Kupp is not living up to his reputation except for the part of his reputation where he is hurt all the time.

### 3. Obi-Wan Mahomie

This would have looked a lot better if they had gone with Joe Mixon over Jaylen Warren, and they still managed top-3 with no Hockenson, Barkley, Diggs, Fields, and Jacobs. The biggest question this week might be if it is time to part ways with Mahomes in the starting spot, a decision that seems logical after a lackluster season but the moment you do it and you're wrong you are the guy who got chopped because you bencehd Mahomes. Plus it's his namesake. Obi-Wan Staffomie?

## On the Chopping Block

### 5. Headless Horsemen

Glorio isn't real...sure. Down goes Tank Dell. Down goes Aaron Jones. Down goes Trevor Lawrence. Down goes Christian Kirk. Believe what you want. As for me? Praise be to the mighty Glorio, exalted ruler of worlds. Horsemen almost got chopped in the worst way possible, in prime time on MNF like that time Nate went to bed early and Kenyan Drake murdered him in cold blood. But I promise you, the great Fantasy Gawd has a plan...unless Horsemen were to repent...

### 4. Monty's Python

Still here. Been middle of the pack lately, but it's all good baby. Just cruising along, still #1 in the season totals. Benched a cool 47 from Nico Collins but it's fine. Got enough from everybody else, gets Jefferson back this week, has a strong defense that usually does better than 9 points. They have some funds left. It's all gravy for the python.

## Narrow Defeats

Margin of Defeat for Last Place Teams:

This snuck up on us. The third-closest elimination of the year.

## Unique Players Started

How many unique players (Defense included) were started by each team. The table can be sorted by players and also by week eliminated.

 Holy smokes. 41 starters, including 8 unique defenses.

## Rulers of the Kingdom

2023 first place finishers:

The first 300-pt performance of 2023 and the first since week 15 of last year.

## Dungeon Dwellers

2023 teams that finished second-to-last, narrowly avoiding elimination:

The first 200pt dungeon dweller of the year. Last season, every dungeorn dweller broke 200 from weeks 12-16.

## Single Season Scoring Records

As teams get eliminated, their single season performance will appear here. Bolded lines indicate performances from the current season.

## All-Time Combined Points Scored

Same as above: eliminated teams will have their 2023 season added to the total. Bolded lines indicate that the record has been updated through 2023.

Not a bad first three seasons for the Baconator.