1000 WAY TO DIE PUTTING A SAD FACE ON DEATH TRANSCRIPT

\*THE LOGO SPLATS AS"SILLY DANCE OF DEATH'S CLOWN"PLAYS\*

BACKGROUND VOICE (RON PERLMAN):HERE W'GO AGAIN PUTTING A SAD FACE ON DEATH;REBOOTS HAVE LOT MORE MORTALITY OF STUPIDITY & DEATHS;ASK TH'GUY WHO GOT SPURED TH'AUSTRALIAN WAY;OR GET ADVICE FROM TH'AGRO COACH WHO GOT SHARKED;WHAT ABOUT TH'WOMEN WHO GREW POPCORN;DON'T MISS TH'ANGRY SPICE WHO GOT ALL CLOTTY;TH'BROTHER WHO NEEDED HELP DYING;& FINALLY T'DEVELOP A SAD HEART YOU'LL SEE TH'DUDE WHO WENT TOO FAR ON A HORNY PERSONALITY;DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE SAD AFTER WATCHING THIS? WE'LL SEE & YOU'RE GONNA LOVE TH'REBOOT BETTER THAN TH'ORIGINAL CAUSE YOU'VE REACHED TH'NEXT EPISODE OF 1,000 WAY TO DIE\*TH'GUY GET'STABBED BY HORNS AS TH'SHADOW FALLS & TH'HEART SHOWS THE LOGO\*

ECHO BACKGROUND VOICE:WARNING TH'STORIES PORTRAYED IN THIS SHOW ARE BASED ON REAL DEATHS & AR'EXTREMELY GRAPHIC NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED T'PROTECT TH'IDENTITIES OF TH'DECEASED DO NOT ATTEMPT T'TRY ANY OF TH'ACTIONS DEPICTED Y'WILL DIE

BACKGROUND VOICE:DEATH IS EVERYWHERE;MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY;EVERY DAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS TOXINS INJURY ILLNESS & CATASTROPHE;THERE'S A LOT'F WAYS TO WIND UP DAYS TH'FACT THAT WE SURVIVE'T ALL IS A MIRACLE BECAUSE EVERY DAY W'LIVE W'FACE....1000 WAYS TO DIE

\*DATE:MAY 12 2022 LOCATION:WATERLOO,INDEPENDANT ALASKA (IA)\*

BACKGROUND VOICE:D'YOU LIKE TH'MALE PLATYPUS? WELL B'CAREFUL AROUND IT;TOMBRO WAS AN AUSTRALIAN IMMIGRANT WHO RECENTLY ADOPTED A PET MALE PLATYPUS LAST MONTH;HIS NAME IS TROTOM WHO WAS ACTUALLY TAME FOR A DEADLY GENDER

JULES:TH'MALE PLATYPUS HAS VERY SHARP SPURS ON THEIR FEET WHICH IS WHERE TH'VENOM IS;TH'FEMALE PLATYPUS HAVE SPURS B'THEY AREN'T DEADLY & DON'T STING

NEVAEH (GUEST INTERVIEWEE) I DON'T REALLY WANT A PLATYPUS CAUSE TH'CR'ALL OVER & I DON'T WANNA GET STUNG BY TH'MALE

SHANNON (GUEST INTERVIEWEE):I THINK I MIGHT LIKE TH'REBOOT 1000 WAYS T'DIE MORE THAN TH'CLASSIC CAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE VERY MUCH STUPIDITY

BACKGROUND VOICE:1 DAY WHILE TROTOM WAS SWIMMING IN HIS INDOOR POOL TOMBRO CAME WITH A BIG SURPRISE

TOMBRO:HEY TROTOM I'D LIKE YOU T'MEET YOUR NEW WIFE NORIXE

BACKGROUND VOICE:TROTOM WAS THRILLED T'MEET HI'SPOUSE;TH'NEXT DAY SH'WAS ANNOUNCED PREGNANT

TOMBRO:OH M'GOD NEW BABIES;I BETTER GET EVERYTHING READY

BACKGROUND VOICE:14 DAYS LATER TH'BABIES ARE BORN;1 BOY 1 GIRL

TOMBRO:HELLO TRIAROSY & RUGTOM;LET M'GO GET YOUR MILK FOR BREAKFAST;I EVEN BOUGHT SOME FRESHWATER SHRIMP INSECT LARVAE & CRAYFISH FROM WHEN YOU'RE AT TH'AGE T'EAT EDIBLE FOODS

BACKGROUND VOICE:WHILE TOMBRO WAS GETTING TH'FORMULA TROTOM WAS THINKING H'WON'T GET ATTENTION

NEVAEH\*GUEST INTERVIEWEE\*:PLATYPUS DON'T THINK VERY STRAIT CAUSE TH'DON'T HAVE A BRAIN

BACKGROUND VOICE:TROTOM USUALLY IS TAME B'NO'THIS TIME\*HI'APUR STABS TOMBRO\*

TOMBRO:OUCH\*RUGTOM TRIES T'COMFORT HIM BUT ACCIDENTALLY STABS HIM\*I FEEL FUNNY\*COLLAPSE IN TH'POOL DEAD\*

BACKGROUND VOICE:OH DEAR RUGTOM YOUR ACCIDENT HAS FINISHED TH'FATALITY;TOMBRO DIDN'T KNOW THIS B'H'WAS ALLERGIC T'PLATYPUS VENOM

STEVEN BURSTEIN:WHEN TROTOM & RUGTOM STABBED THEIR OWNER HE HAD RAPID SWELLING & ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK & HE HAS PHYSICALLY DIED WITHIN A TOTAL OF 30 SECONDS

BACKGROUND VOICE:TOMBRO WAS ALL PLATY ABOUT HIS PET;BUT IN TH'END H'ENDED HIS AUSTRALIAN YRS LEAVING HIS DEAD BODY AS TAXIDERMY & NORIXE DIVORCING HER LOVER & TAKING TRIAROSY

NORIXE:SO LONG SUCKER\*CRIES\*

TROTOM:HONEY DON'T GO I'M SORRY

(WAY TO DIE #30 PLATY-PISS;\*DATE:MARCH 9 2022 LOCATION:EAC)

BACKGROUND VOICE:HAVE Y'EVER BEEN T'TH'PT WHERE YOU WANNA QUIT YOUR LEADERSHIP? WELL THIS IS A LUCKY EPISODE JIC

TOMTOM:WHAT'RE Y'IDIOTS DOING? W'DO THIS IN A STRAIGHT LINE

BACKGROUND:TOMTOM HAS IMMIGRATED FROM AMERICA 4 YRS AGO & HAS BEEN COACH EVER SINCE;HE HAD AN IRON FIST ON TH'OTHER HAND

BETHANY CROSSLEY (GUEST INTERVIEWEE):I PREFER PE COACHING MORE CAUSE I HATE GETTING WET;KENWOOD IS BETTER THAN ANY OTHER SCHOOL BY HEART & SOUL

TOMTOM:NOT ONLY WAS THIS AGRO-COACH AN INSTRUCTOR;WHEN HI'STUDENTS AREN'T LEARNING OR HE'S TAKING TIME OFF H'GOES IN TH'WATER & SELLS FISH

TOMTOM:WELL COACHIE Y'SURE DO RUN A GOOD SHOPPING BUSINESS

BACKGROUND VOICE:TOMTOM'S WORST PUPIL WAS MARTY;SHE HAD NO EXPERIENCE IN THESE TYPES OF SPORTS;TH'LAST 1 SH'FAILED WAS TH'OBSTACLE STEP\*MARTY FALLS MESSING UP TH'TIRES\*

TOMTOM:MARTY Y'BETTER FIX THESE TIRES AFTER FINISHING THIS GAME;OK LAST EVENT;TH'SHARK DODGER

BACKGROUND:IS THIS A TORTURE GAME? LET'S FIND OUT

TOMTOM:OK TH'OBJECT OF TH'GAME IS T'KEEP YOUR FEET A'STILL AS POSSIBLE;IF TH'SHARK COMES T'TREAT Y'AS PREY SWIM BACK

BACKGROUND:AFTER MANY SWIMMERS LATER MARTY WAS TH'LAST 1 T'HAVE A TURN

MARTY:I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL PASS THIS

TOMTOM:JUST TRY YOUR BEST DIMWIT

MARTY:OK HERE I GO\*SHE GOES IN THE WATER BUT NERVOUSLY RUNS BACK\*I CAN'T

TOMTOM:YOU PUSSY LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE