The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2015

## Introduction

*Todd plays OMI - "Cheerleader" on the piano.*

***TOP TEN BEST HIT SONGS OF 2015
A year-end review***

**Todd**: Let's! Get! This! Over with!

*Clip of New China's near year countdown party*
**Todd (VO)**: Oh it'll be great to get this burden off my shoulders. You've all started 2016 already, I'm still stuck in the previous year! These Top Tens are the bane of my existence! But I do it. I do it...

**Todd**: ...for you. And for the record, I think this list is much better than last year's. Like, I put...

*Clip of...*
**Todd (VO)**: ..."Happy" on last year's list. You know that's, that's a fine enough song, but...if I never heard it again, I wouldn't exactly cry either. But this list...

**Todd**: ...this year, these are all songs I have fully adopted as a piece of my soul. These are songs I want to last and be remembered. *[Beat]* Yeah, 2015 was a good year. And here's why. We're counting down...

*Clip from DJ Drybones's "Top Pop Songs Of 2015 Mashup (All About It), which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown.*
**Taylor Swift**: So it's gonna be forever
**Ed Sheeran**: Take me into your loving arms
**Todd (VO)**: ***The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2015!***

**Taylor**: You can tell when it's over
We come back every time
## #10

**Todd (VO)**: #10.

**Todd**: You know, I used to be ashamed of some of my picks for the Best list. I like to think I've moved past that, but I am still a little embarrassed by this one 'cause, I'll be honest, I'm worried this might end the poor guy's career.

***#10. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Eric Nally, Melle Mel, Kool Moe Dee, and Grandmaster Caz - "Downtown"***

**Artists**: I'm headed downtown!
Cruisin' through the alley
**Todd (VO)**: I like Macklemore. He gets way, *way* too much shit. I hear all the time about how *[clip of...]* "Thrift Shop" is preachy and condescending and even racist.

**Todd**: It's a joke song about wearing...

**Todd (VO)**: ...piss-smelling used clothes! I mean, God forbid hip-hop get the tiniest amount of criticisms for its most tedious, overused cliches.

**Todd**: Anyway, I wanted to get that defense out there 'cause...yeah, I worry that I might not get the chance again 'cause he might not be back.

**Macklemore**: I went to the moped store, said "fuck it."
Salesman's like "What up, what's your budget?"
**Todd (VO)**: Yet his response to all the criticism seems to have been to make the silliest, weirdest, most intentionally lame song in history.

**Macklemore**: You don't need an Uber, you don't need a cab
Fuck a bus pass, you got a moped, man
See, used clothes, you could make a case for that being cool, but riding a moped?

**Artists**: Downtown
**Todd (VO)**: It's like Macklemore saying, "you think I'm corny? Screw you, you haven't seen anything yet!" It cannot be long before Macklemore writes a song about the glory of *[images of...]* the mullet, or how badass it is to play D&D, and cook calorie-conscious meals for the family...

**Todd**: ...and have a YouTube show where you review pop songs.

**Artists**: Cut the bullshit
Get off my mullet
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, the first response I and many had was that Macklemore was just trying for a mashup of "Thrift Shop" with "Uptown Funk." But I don't think that really indicates how strange this song is. It's a weird mix of early '80s rap, '60s pop, and a falsetto metal singer that that I was *fairly* certain was a female.

**Eric Nally**: Downtown
Downtown
Oh, God, his knees. Can't watch this video.

**Todd**: I'm partly of the mind that...

**Todd (VO)**: ...this song is a complete disaster. Goddamn, does the Mack get corny at points.

**Macklemore**: There's layers to this shit player, Tiramisu, Tiramisu
But goddammit, this song makes me smile whenever I hear it. It's an act of guts and anti-posturing that you just don't see from people.

**Todd**: If Beck released this song in the '90s, you'd all go crazy for that. This song is glorious.

**Artists**: Downtown
*Interlude*

#9
--

**Todd (VO)**: #9.

*Clip of Taylor Swift - "Love Story"*
**Taylor**: We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
**Todd**: Yeah, Taylor Swift is gonna make both lists this year.

**Todd (VO)**: And I wanna point out here that, for all my criticisms of Taylor Swift, I always thought she was quite talented. She was able to speak to teenage girls like few artists ever have. But I'm not a teenage girl, I'm a grown-ass man...more or less.

**Todd**: I was never gonna be interested in how her high school romance is just like Romeo and Juliet, OMG.

*Clip of "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"*
**Todd (VO)**: Besides, if she tried romanticizing her relationships nowadays, no one would buy it. She goes on too many dates, and she can't make any of them stay.

**Todd**: At least that's what people say. Everyone knows she goes through relationships like toothpicks. You can't romanticize that. *[beat]* Or can you?

***#9. Taylor Swift - "Wildest Dreams"***

**Taylor**: Say you'll remember me
Standing in a nice dress
Staring at the sunset, babe
**Todd (VO)**: There is much bad about the new Taylor Swift, but one thing I like is how she's moved on from blaming everything on her exes, and instead owning the fact that she's a serial dater who blows through guys, and she's found a way to make that attractive instead.

**Taylor**: Someday when you leave me
I bet these memories
**Todd**: I mean, I guess she could try...you know...*not* driving guys away.

**Todd (VO)**: Trying to make something last. But for right now, she's just decided to accept it.

**Taylor**: Nothing lasts forever
But this is getting good now
And she'd given up pretty quickly. You know what they say, "don't cry 'cause it's over, smile because it happened."

**Todd**: But you're supposed to apply that at the *end* of something, not *before* it's over.

**Taylor**: Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just in your
Wildest dreams
**Todd (VO)**: It's a very fatalistic song where Taylor takes comfort in the fact that she'll be able to leave a guy with some fun memories. And you know, there is something to that, you know?

**Taylor**: See me in hindsight
Tangled up with you all night
Look, I have a soft spot for songs about settling for imperfection. This is "Blank Space" played seriously instead of as a joke; and for that reason, it doesn't wear out nearly as quick. Most jokes are only funny once; "Wildest Dreams" sticks with you.

**Todd**: It follows you around.

**Taylor**: ...wildest dreams, ah-ha
*Interlude*

#8
--

**Todd (VO)**: #8.

***#8. Elle King - "Ex's and Oh's"***

**Elle King**: Ex's and the oh, oh, oh's they haunt me
Like ghosts they want me
**Todd**: This is a fine song. I like it.

**Elle**: ...let go
Ex's and oh's
**Todd (VO)**: Okay, so first of all, you heard that this is the daughter of Rob Schneider, right? *[Picture of Elle and Rob]* Yeah, Elle King? Rob Schneider's daughter? Guess I should...make some kind of Rob Schneider reference here.

**Todd**: *[clears throat...as the Richmeister] Elle-arino, Elle-arama, Elle King, "Ex's and Oh's" on the pop charts, making copies. [beat]* Ask your parents, kids.

**Elle**: 1, 2, 3
They gonna run back to me
**Todd (VO)**: This was the big sleeper hit of 2015. I actually heard it the year before on an alternative station, like more than a year ago. I was like, "oh, that's interesting," and I forgot about it completely. And then, it just kinda kept getting bigger and bigger. And it was one of those songs that was okay the first time I heard it, but great by the hundredth.

**Todd**: Yeah, I can't deny that part of what I like about the song is just the novelty.

**Todd (VO)**: Like, in a world of trap beats, it's nice to hear a good fuzz guitar solo pop up. *[part of the guitar solo plays]* I mean, it's certainly not the most original sound, it basically sounds like Amy Winehouse fronting the Black Keys, but that's plenty for me. And besides the retro blues rock 'n roll, there's also one other thing I like about it.

**Todd**: Apparently, Rob Schneider's daughter is a total player.

**Elle**: They always wanna come, but they never wanna leave
**Todd (VO)**: See, here's the thing. I totally buy it. I totally believe she has a bunch of dudes following her around.

**Todd**: And you don't know how nice that is to say.

**Todd (VO)**: Because day in, day out, my work seems to revolve around pop princesses clumsily, awkwardly trying to pretend that they know what sex is. *[brief clip of "Lips Are Moving" by...]* I mean, Meghan Trainor, Selena Gomez, Jessie J.

**Todd**: Little girls, all of them.

**Todd (VO)**: Elle King actually knows what she's talking about. I don't know if she's just gonna end up another fluke indie hit, but I hope not.

**Todd**: Stick around, Elle King. *[as Rob Schneider] You can do it!* References.

*Video for "Ex's and Oh's" ends*
*Interlude*

#7
--

**Todd (VO)**: #7.

*Clip of Big Sean ft. Nicki Minaj - "Dance (A$$)"*
**Big Sean**: Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass...
**Todd**: *[nervously laughs]* I like Big Sean probably more than I should.

**Todd (VO)**: He's just so goddamn ridiculous. Actually that's not true, half the time I think *[clip of "My Last" ft. Chris Brown]* he's actually very boring. But...he's still one of the few rappers left who can actually be funny on purpose. And if you watched my Worst list, I kinda used...

**Todd**: ...one of his raps as my between-song segue, and...while I was doing that list I realized I kinda love it.

***#7. Big Sean ft. E-40 - "I Don't Fuck With You"***

**Big Sean**: I don't fuck with you
You little stupid ass bitch, I ain't fucking with...
**Todd**: *You!*

**Big Sean**: I got a million-trillion things I'd rather fucking do
**Todd (VO)**: *[stifling laughter]* I can't help it! It's just so stupid! I have to like it! It reminds me most of *[clip of "Rollout (My Business)" by...]* Ludacris, who I miss very badly. Yeah, where's he been? Who're we gonna get when we need to tell people to *[brief clips of...]* get back, *[...and...]* move, bitch, *[...and "Roll Out (My Business)"]* get out my biz-nass!

**Todd**: I mean, Big Sean's no Ludacris, but he'll do in a pinch.

> **Sean**: I heard you got a new man I see you taking the pic
>
>

> Then you post it up, thinking that it's making me sick
>
>

**Todd (VO)**: But this is a song about gold diggers and exes trying to make you jealous. I ain't got none of those. But it's fun to sing no matter who you got riding you.

**Todd**: Here, let me check out my various social media feeds.

*Screenshots of Todd's mentions on Twitter*
**Todd (VO)**: *[reading] "*Hey Todd, you don't make videos fast enough. Your taste in music sucks. You're lame. Stop posting pictures of your dog."

**Todd**: Blocked! Bitch! *[sticks up his middle fingers]*

**Todd (VO)**: See? It's useful for everyone! I basically have it playing in my head every single time some random person tries to get some unearned attention! Eat it! *[images of...]* Jehovah's Witnesses? Bye! Wal-Mart greeters? Screw you! The IRS?

**Todd**: Actually maybe I should answer to that...No! No! *I don't give a fuck! I don't give a fuck!*

**E-40:** A million things on my mind
Executive deals online
**Todd (VO)**: I'm also happy to hear E-40 again. He was a really talented guy. One of those guys who's been around forever and briefly looked like he was gonna be big back in '06 before uh...

*Clip of E-40 ft. T-Pain & Kandi Girl - "U and Dat"*
**T-Pain**: Tryin' ta get to you and dat booty
Tryin' ta get to you and dat booty
Tryin' ta get to you and that monkey
**Todd**: ...yeah, that train derailed pretty quickly.

**Sean**: ...stupid ass
I don't give a fuck
I don't give a fuck
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, this is a fun song. I like to imagine Drake's ex-girlfriends turning this on whenever they hear "Hotline Bling." Oh goddammit, DJ Mustard, you finally got me.

**Todd**: Damn you and your shiny, ear wormy beats. *Stupid ass bitch!*

*Video for "I Don't Fuck With You" ends*
*Interlude*

#6
--

**Todd (VO)**: #6.

**Todd**: Let's talk about the '80s.

*Montage clips of Duran Duran - "Hungry Like The Wolf"; Whitney Houston - "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)"; Peter Gabriel - "Sledgehammer"; and USA For Africa - "We Are The World"*
**Todd (VO)**: Okay, my memories of '80s music are mostly limited to the *Ninja Turtles* theme, but looking at it from the present, the pop music of the '80s seemed...bigger. Like, '60s music is when music was most important and meaningful, but '80s music was when pop was just...big. Like a mega-corporation or Wall Street, it was just, like...inescapable. For the most part, the 2010s do not feel like that. Not since the Internet destroyed the music industry. But every so often, I hear this one single that reminds me of that feeling.

**Todd**: When pop music was just like...Titanically huge.

***#6. The Weeknd - "Can't Feel My Face"***

**The Weeknd**: Woo!
I can't feel my face when I'm with you
But I love it
But I love it
Oh
**Todd**: I can't feel my face either, but that's because the radiator's busted. *[crosses his arms]* I wear this hoodie for a reason.

**The Weeknd**: And I know she'll be the death of me
At least we'll both be...
**Todd (VO)**: To put it mildly, I was not inclined to like The Weeknd. And I'm still not inclined to like The Weeknd. But the song was too good for me to ignore. It doesn't just have an '80s retro sound; it has that '80s bigness to it. This is an honest-to-God hit record.

**Todd**: Honestly, I don't understand why it wasn't bigger than it was, and it was pretty goddamn big!

**Todd (VO)**: I mean, if you're trying to invoke the 80s, why not do a song about the drug of the 80s? Cocaine! And why not try to be the...*[clip of "Smooth Criminal" by...]* king of the 80s? Michael Jackson! I mean, he even goes "woo" like Michael Jackson...

**The Weeknd**: Woo!
*Brief clip of Michael Jackson - "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough"*
**Michael Jackson:** Woo!
**Todd (VO)**: And he spins and gets set on fire like Michael Jackson. *[clip of Neil Young - "This Note's for You" with Michael Jackson impersonator hitting a stage light]*

**Todd**: But more than Michael Jackson, it reminds me of a different pop star: Ne-Yo.

*Clip of Ne-Yo - "So Sick"*
**Ne-Yo**: And I'm so sick of love songs
**Todd (VO)**: Now Ne-Yo is a good song writer, but a bit of a puss with *[Picture of Ne-Yo's mug shot]* an unfortunate hairline. You'd think a guy like that wouldn't be able to make *[clip of Ne-Yo - "Closer"]* club anthems, but he did it more than once pretty well. Always by putting himself into the passenger seat, enthralled to some amazing, beautiful woman. *[clip of "Earned It (Fifty Shades Of Grey)"]* All of The Weeknd's other hits are terrible! Because they make him out to be this love god, despite the fact that he sounds like someone literally cut off his balls. But The Weeknd being possessed by a woman who might actually be literal cocaine? Yeah, I buy that! So yeah, The Weeknd: more of this. Nothing wrong with that.

**Todd**: Michael Jackson was never a convincing lover man either!

**The Weeknd**: Hey
*Interlude*

#5
--

**Todd (VO)**: #5.

**Todd**: Let it be known that in the year of our Lord 2015, my Top Ten list includes a song by Paul McCartney.

***#5. Rihanna, Kanye West & Paul McCartney - "FourFiveSeconds"***

**Rihanna**: I think I've had enough
I might get a little drunk.
**Todd (VO)**: As I am a bit of a classic rock snob, I wouldn't be offended if some of you assumed that it's on the list just because a Beatle is on it. Heh. No. Paul *is* my favorite Beatle, for the record, but let's be serious, he's written more bad songs than good. And the last time he collaborated with a living legend of black music...

*Clip of Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder - "Ebony & Ivory"*
**Stevie Wonder**: Ebony, Ivory
Living in perfect harmony
Tfft, yeah.

> *Video for "FourFiveSeconds"*
>
>

**Todd (VO)**: And the combination of a Beatle with Kanye West is so much of a music critic's dream that it should've been really disappointing. I mean Paul doesn't even sing, he just plays a few chords. I suppose technically, this makes this a "White Guy With Acoustic Guitar" song, but it's one whose message is basically...

**Todd**: "It's the freaking weekend baby, I'm about to have me some fun!"

**Kanye West**: Hold me back, I'm 'bout to spaz
**Rihanna**: Yeah I'm about FourFiveSeconds from wildin'
**Todd (VO):** It's a weird combo. It's kinda like what you get if Kanye tried to write "Wonderwall." And/or if Paul McCartney tried to write "I Gotta Feeling."

**Todd**: *[playing piano and singing to the rhythm of The Beatles - "Hello Goodbye"] You say goodbye, and I say YOLO. YOLO, YOLO!*

**Rihanna:** 'Cause all of my kindness
Is taken for weakness
**Todd (VO)**: Quite frankly, I love that combination. Combined, what it feels like is Otis Redding's "Dock Of The Bay"—just how tired with the world it is, but happy with oneself. It's good in a way that I'm not really used to hearing anymore. It's more like a great rock song or a great soul song than a pop song. Something you really have to listen to and feel.

**Todd**: But while Kanye and McCartney will get all the attention, the real revelation is Rihanna.

**Rihanna**: And I know that you're up tonight
Thinking "How could I be so selfish?"
**Todd (VO)**: Rihanna has put out like 500 singles in the 2010s, and maybe one of them has been worth anything. I have been *so* bored with her! But she actually took a break for a little bit, and when she returned, she sounded more alive than she has in years. She sounds well and truly ready to throw off the burdens of the world. This was a great combination. I mean who else can we get together?

**Todd**: How about Mick Jagger and will.i.am?

*Clip of will.i.am ft. Jennifer Lopez & Mick Jagger - "T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever)"*
**Mick Jagger**: Hard like a rock 'n roll
Time bomb's tickin',
Explode
Baby this is dynamo
**Todd**: *[thinking]* This was a terrible idea, never mind.

**Rihanna**: I swear I wish somebody would tell me
Ooh that's all I want
*Interlude*

#4
--

**Todd (VO)**: #4.

**Todd**: The great thing about following pop music is that every once in a while, you get surprised.

*Montage clips of "Can't Feel My Face"; "Wildest Dreams"; and "I Don't Fuck With You"*
**Todd (VO)**: The Weeknd put out a song I liked, Taylor Swift put out a song I liked, even DJ Mustard put out a song I liked!

**Todd**: But the biggest shock was this next artist, cause uh...let's say they didn't make a good first impression.

*Clip of Major Lazer ft. Bruno Mars, Mystic, 2 Chainz, & Tyga - "Bubble Butt"*
**Bruno Mars**: Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt
Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt
Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt
Turn around stick it out...
**Todd**: *[raises his finger to say something but changes his mind]* No, no, no, let's keep listening.

**Bruno**: Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt
Turn around stick it out
Show the world you got a
Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt
**Todd:** ...yeah. What are the odds that whatever thunderously useless morons who made this could ever...*ever* make something good?

*Video starts...*
**MØ**: Do you recall not long ago
We would walk on the sidewalk?
**Todd**: Yeah I remember that. Now we only walk on people's lawns like assholes! Man what's wrong with us?

***#4. Major Lazer & DJ Snake ft. MØ - "Lean On"***

**MØ**: Blow a kiss
Fire a gun
We need someone to lean on
Blow a kiss
Fire a gun
All we need is somebody to lean on
**Todd (VO)**: Just like "FourFiveSeconds" brings three completely separate acts together and gets the most out of all of them, "Lean On" is just a perfect combo of the talents of everyone involved. I know less about any of them than, you know, McCartney, Rihanna, and Kanye obviously. And one of them I actively disliked!

**Todd**: *[mockingly]* Bubble butt... But they are all perfect here!

**MØ**: What will we do when we get old?
**Todd (VO)**: The second I heard her voice, I was in love with...*[promotional image of MØ]...Mur? M...Mui?* I'm just gonna...

**Todd**: ...call her "Mo." I know that's not how it's pronounced.

**Todd (VO)**: And the production from Major Lazer is sharp as hell too. But the MVP as far as I'm concerned is one *[promotional image of...]* DJ Snake, who you may recall as being the...*[clip of DJ Snake & Lil Jon's...]* "Turn Down for What" guy. And um...I'll be honest, he appears to be a bit of a one-trick pony, yes. He uses the same synth sound for all his songs. *[synth riff from "Lean On" plays]*

**Todd**: It's the same sound. I'm pretty sure it's Woody Woodpecker actually.

*Clip of Woody Woodpecker laughing synced up to synth riff*
**Todd (VO)**: But even so, even with how good the rest of the song is, the entire song, as far as I'm concerned, is just a buildup...

**Todd**: ...a buildup to DJ Snake's kick-ass goddamn solo!

*Synth solo plays, occasionally cutting to Todd playing along with the solo on his piano*
**Todd (VO)**: Finest twenty seconds in pop music of the year, I swear.

**Todd**: Still not sure I forgive "Bubble Butt" yet though.

**MØ**: Fire a gun
All we need is somebody to lean on
Oh
*Interlude*

#3
--

**Todd (VO)**: #3.

**Todd**: You know, speaking of the '80s, there was a song I like to include in the pantheon of all-time great big '80s pop hits. One I don't think gets enough attention.

*Clip of The Hooters - "And We Danced"*
**Todd (VO):** This is a band called the Hooters, I assume because the label shot down...

**Todd:** ...their original name, Tig Ol' Bitties.

**Rob Hyman**: She was a bebop baby on a hard day's night
**Todd (VO)**: They had a couple hits. This is the only one people kinda remember, but I love it so much. Very few songs capture the idea of the magic of romance fueled entirely by whatever song is playing. You get the feeling that whatever girl he's singing about probably disappeared immediately after the song stops playing. But for three minutes of perfection, it is glory.

**Hooters**: And we danced
Like a wave on the ocean, romanced
**Todd**: We need more songs like that.

***#3. Walk the Moon - "Shut Up and Dance"***

**Nicholas Petricca**: "Oh don't you dare look back
Just keep your eyes on me."
I said, "You're holding back"
She said "Shut up and dance with me!"
**Todd (VO)**: WALK THE MOON said the inspiration for this was those big '80s New Wave-ish power pop, like "Jessie's Girl" or "What I Like About You" with those big crunching guitars. But "And We Danced" by The Hooters is the song it most reminds me of. Mostly because it's about the same topic, I guess.

**Nicholas**: The backless dress and some beat-up sneaks
My discotheque Juliet teenage dream
But also because there's the same magic in both. And it disappoints me that Walk The Moon is already turning into yet another fluke one-hit wonder. I've listened to the album, I highly recommend it. I'd like them to stay famous. And another person who I'd like to be famous: this dancer.

**Nicholas and Lauren Taft**: Shut up and dance
**Todd (VO)**: Quit trying to make Julianne Hough a thing. Start putting *this* woman in movies. She is a star. Certainly more so than the singer who...oh God bless him, he's trying very hard. He's mugging everywhere and it's, uh...

*Clip of the video, where the music has stopped and Nicholas is still trying to dance as the crowd stares at him with confusion*
I mean God bless, they found a woman who actually does seem as amazing as the lyrics make her sound.

**Nicholas**: I said "You're holding back"
She said...
**Todd (VO)**: "You're holding back"? You're actually criticizing her?! She's giving it everything! Man, she's right, you do need to shut up!

**Todd**: And dance! *[throws his hand in the air.]*

**Todd (VO)**: Yes, yes, I know, this is probably the most overplayed song of the year. I realize that. But seriously, try and listen to it again with fresh ears. I love it so much.This is the music video I want to *live* in some day.

*Video for "Shut Up and Dance" ends*
*Interlude*

#2
--

**Todd (VO)**: #2.

*Clip of "Give Your Heart a Break"*
**Demi Lovato**: The day I first met you
You told me you'd never fall in love
**Todd**: Eh.

**Todd (VO**: I never really knew what to make of Demi Lovato. I always got the impression she was like the neglected, forgettable Jan Brady of the pop music world. *[clips of "We Can't Stop" by...]* Not as wild as Miley, *[..."Break Free" by...]* not as hot as Ariana, *[...and "Slow Down" by...]* not as...I don't know, popular as Selena?

**Todd**: I'm still not clear what Selena Gomez offers.

**Todd (VO)**: She was just so easy to ignore. She just seemed to be so quiet, like the shy one as opposed to her in-your-face peers. In hindsight, I guess she was...

**Todd**: *[guessing]* ...more of a late bloomer.

***#2. Demi Lovato - "Cool for the Summer"***

**Demi**: We're cool for the summer
Take me down into your...
**Todd (VO)**: In a sense, I guess this is Demi doing the same...

**Todd**: ..."I'm sexy now" shtick all of her peers have done.

**Demi**: Just something that we wanna try
**Todd**: Yeah. *[exhales]*

**Todd (VO)**: But it feels different somehow. I think maybe because Demi doesn't come across nearly as...

**Todd**: ...desperate.

**Todd (VO)**: Okay, maybe she is trying a little hard, but it doesn't feel like it because the song leans on her strengths, which is sheer, raw force.

**Demi**: Don't be scared 'cause I'm your body type
"Cool for the Summer" is to steamy summer love songs what Sia's "Chandelier" was to party anthems. It's just an atom bomb of a song. I mean, yes, the chorus is basically *[brief clip of...]* "Domino" by Jessie J in a slightly different pitch. But it's better 'cause...it's not Jessie J, and because the lyrics aren't nonsense, and because the whole song hits like a goddamn Falcon Punch.

**Demi**: Take me down!
Take me down into your paradise
**Todd**: Actually, I've heard this is a lesbian song.

**Demi**: I'm a little curious...too
Got a taste for the cherry
I just need to take a bite
**Todd**: *[motions over his head]* Woosh, I'd have never noticed. If it is, it's certainly better than "Girl Crush."

**Demi**: Cause you and I
We're cool for the summer
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, I like Ariana fine enough. Demi just blew right past her.

**Todd**: Pop princess sweepstakes are hers to lose now.

**Demi**: We're cool for the summer
*Todd plays the main riff on his piano*
## Honorable mentions

**Todd**: And now, before we get to #1, some honorable mentions.

***Justin Bieber - "What Do You Mean?"***

**Justin**: What do you mean?
Oh (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
**Todd (VO)**: Eh, it's a grower. It really is. And honestly, I'm not sure that anything has ever truly captured like this what it feels like to be young and in love. Mainly that it blows and no one knows what the hell they're doing.

**Todd**: This is the realest song on the radio, I swear.

***Adele - "Hello"***

**Adele**: So hello from the other side (Other side)
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, I know I said it wasn't my favorite Adele song, but...eh, honestly it's still an Adele song, you know? And funny thing, there's a dance remix that the radio plays...and I heard it described as sounding like a Whitney Houston song. Yeah, except that Whitney Houston never had the depths of pain and sadness that Adele ever had.

**Todd**: God bless her. I don't, I don't...how are we even lucky enough to have Adele?

***Carly Rae Jepsen - "Run Away with Me"***

**Carly**: Baby
Take me to the feeling
**Todd (VO)**: I don't usually put songs that weren't eligible in the honorable mentions, but uh, this is one of the best songs I've ever heard.

**Carly**: Run away with me
Run away with me
***Drake - "Back to Back"***

**Drake**: Man I got the drink in me going...
**Crowd**: Back to back
**Drake**: *Keep going!*
**Todd (VO)**: When I heard about the "Meek Mill vs. Drake" beef, I assumed that it was like a manufactured feud so that Drake could give Meek Mill some more fame. I think I was right, except it was a manufactured feud for Drake's benefit to get him some more cred, cause...goddamn.

**Todd**: No one's gonna touch Drake ever again.

***Pitbull & Ne-Yo - "Time of Our Lives"***

**Ne-Yo**: Let's get it now
Ooh
I want the time of my life
**Todd (VO)**: You know, I think I'm actually gonna miss Pitbull when his career runs out, assuming it ever does.

***Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars - "Uptown Funk"***

**Bruno**: Uptown funk you up (Woo, c'mon, hey)
Uptown funk you up (Say what?)
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah yeah, I know I should put it on this year's list too. Like, literally, the fact that I put it on last year's list is literally the only thing keeping it from being here.

**Mark**: Aaaaaaaaaaaah-ow!
#1
--

**Todd**: Ah. And now, ladies and gentlemen: the best hit song of the year.

*Interlude*

**Todd (VO)**: *[ominously]* #1.

**Todd**: If I included "Uptown Funk" on this year's list, I don't think it would be #1. I love "Uptown Funk," but this next song, my #1 song, hit me so hard, right in the gut. I was just astonished at it. I was amazed. And it is a song that could've only come from the person who is one of the defining talents of our time.

*Video for...wait for it...*
**Todd**: Yep! Here we go.

***#1. Taylor Swift - "Style"***

**Taylor**: Midnight...
**Todd (VO)**: The first time I heard "Style" by Taylor Swift, I didn't even believe it was a real Taylor Swift song. It had to be a remix or something.

**Taylor**: Fade into view, oh
Those minor chords couldn't possibly belong to Taylor Swift, who just two singles earlier was blasting her "ex-man" and his new girlfriend and hitting on some guy with hella good hair.

**Taylor**: You got that James Dean daydream look in your eye
And I got that red lip classic thing that you like
**Todd (VO)**: Even "Blank Space," much as I admired it, didn't prepare me for this. Taylor Swift claimed that "Blank Space" was just a joke, not her actual life. I didn't buy it, but you know, she's got a case. "Blank Space" is all irony and jokes. Even "Wildest Dreams" is self-consciously artificial; it's a fantasy viewed from an imaginary future. But there's no distance in "Style." This is...

**Todd**: ...100% pure, uncut Taylor Swift. The real Taylor Swift.

**Taylor**: We never go out of style
We never go out of style
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, this is hardly the only time Taylor Swift has sung about a bad relationship, but she's usually attacked the guy in these relationships with the benefit of hindsight, from a smug position of superiority. In "Style," she shifts the timeline to *during* the relationship, and admits that she's in there for a reason.

**Todd**: She likes it.

**Taylor**: I should just tell you to leave
'Cause I know exactly where it leads
But I watch us go round and round each time
**Todd (VO)**: She goes in with no illusions. And more importantly, she's in it because the image is attractive. They look good together.

**Taylor**: And I got that red lip classic thing that you like
"I knew you were trouble when you walked in, shame on me." Boring!

**Todd**: "I knew you were trouble, but you're also really hot and I'm really hot, so who cares?" That's more interesting.

**Todd (VO)**: Just look how her go-to imagery changed from Prince Charming to James Dean. The difference between a fairy tale prince and a movie star is a shift from romance to glamour. More bluntly from love to sex.

**Taylor**: Lights are off, he's taking off his coat
Taylor Swift singing an off-hand lyric about a guy taking off his coat is somehow one of the hottest things I've ever heard. And when she sings about how he's been with another girl...

**Taylor**: ...some other girl
**Todd (VO)**: I swear to God, it sounds something like horror in her voice.

**Todd**: She has never sounded better.

**Taylor**: Take me home
**Todd (VO)**: I know I've said a lot of bad things about Taylor Swift, but even with all the garbage she's put out, this is the one song I always knew she had in her. I will put up with a hundred "Bad Blood"s if it gets me just one more "Style."

**Todd**: "Style" by Taylor Swift: best song of the year.

**Taylor**: We never go out of style
*Closing Tag Song: Skrillex & Diplo ft. Justin Bieber - "Where Are Ü Now"*

***THE END***

***This video is owned by me***

***Year-end mashup by DJ Drybones***

***THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!***

## Footnotes

1. ↑ #11 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
2. ↑ #84 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
3. ↑ #57 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
4. ↑ #7 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
5. ↑ #73 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
6. ↑ *#22 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100*
7. ↑ #47 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
8. ↑ #12 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
9. ↑ #9 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
10. ↑ #42 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
11. ↑ #16 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
12. ↑ #6 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
13. ↑ #53 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
14. ↑ #33 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
15. ↑ #35 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
16. ↑ Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; never charted on Billboard Hot 100 during the year
17. ↑ #99 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
18. ↑ #39 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
19. ↑ #1 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
20. ↑ #29 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
21. ↑ #15 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
22. ↑ #19 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100