Episode 19: World Wide Rock Festival

https://globehell.libsyn.com/

## Episode Summary

Drew and Josiah plan a one day three day long rock festival.

## Idea Details

* Idea: World Wide Rock Festival, aka World Wide Rock Concert, aka World Wide Rock Fest, aka World Wide Gig
* Creator of idea: Drew
* Purpose of idea: My idea for this week is World Wide Rock Concert. Josiah, what I wanna do is hold a one-day yearly rock festival that's gonna be televised to the entire planet, there will be big screens so that the entire planet will be able to watch from their home, we'll also have a million people given tickets, maybe like a Willy Wonka type situation, give them the ability to purchase tickets, and we'll do like a random draw, they have to buy a certain type of chocolate bar or something, and then if they have the draw and if they get the chocolate bar then they're gonna have the two tickets to win it and given access to the rock concert and the festival.
* Timetable: No timetable was given for World Wide Rock Festival. It relies on the existence of World Wide Train (noun) and World Wide Potluck, and would be made easier with the existence of the second moon from World Wide Watch. It will involve combining the 23rd, 24th, and 25th days of every month into one long day like merging cells in Microsoft Excel and will require tricking everyone in the world into thinking that the days were not actually combined. It is scheduled for December 23rd, so as soon as the other projects are fully created, World Wide Rock Festival should be ready to go.
* Idea details:
	+ World Wide Rock Festival will be held on the giant platform in the middle of the ocean where World Wide Potluck takes place, also known as Boaty McBoatface. One million people will gather on that platform in the middle of the ocean while everybody else in the world will watch World Wide Rock Festival on the giant screens or on their televisions at home.
	+ COVID-19 will not be a conflicting issue for World Wide Rock Festival once the vaccine has been widely distributed. However, as a precaution, everyone attending World Wide Rock Festival will wear a mask and will be safely social distanced from each other at a distance of 6 feet apart, even with the vaccine. With a million people, this will create a social distancing area of six million feet, or twelve million feet when accounting for the fact that people have 2 feet (1 million people, 6 feet apart, people have 2 feet).
	+ World Wide Rock Festival will be a one-day event, not a weekend long festival. It has not yet been decided what day it will be held on.
	+ Initial plans for World Wide Rock Festival will center around it being a one-time thing. If it goes well, maybe it will become a recurring event, but you don't want to diminish the specialness of World Wide Rock Festival by introducing other World Wide events like a World Wide Jazz Festival.
	+ Drew has already reached out to a lot of really cool bands to join the roster for World Wide Rock Festival, and some have already confirmed they will be playing, though some have not yet responded.
	+ PiSk will play their song *Horny* between each band's set at World Wide Rock Festival.
	+ To attend World Wide Rock Festival, you have to buy a ticket to the concert, then buy a chocolate bar to get a golden ticket. With those two tickets, you'll be allowed entry. This is like Willy Wonka and will be a good way to fight off scalpers.
	+ There will only be one million chocolate bars made with the golden tickets. The chocolate will be brown, like a brown turd.
	+ People who are keto can throw the chocolate in the garbage or give it to someone as charity.
	+ The bands confirmed to be playing World Wide Rock Festival so far include:
		- 3OH!3
		- All Time Low
		- The Amity Affliction
		- As It Is
		- Asking Alexandria
		- Assuming We Survive
		- August Burns Red
		- Beartooth
		- Black Veil Brides
		- Bowling For Soup
		- Broadside
		- Capstan
		- Chase Atlantic
		- Chelsea Grin
		- Crown The Empire
		- Dayseeker
		- Dead Girls Academy
		- Deez Nuts
		- Doll Skin
		- Don Broco
		- Falling In Reverse
		- Farewell Winters
		- Four Year Strong
		- Frank Turner
		- Grayscale
		- Hail The Sun
		- Harm's Way
		- Ice Nine Kills
		- In Hearts Wake
		- The Interrupters
		- Issues
		- Knocked Loose
		- Knuckle Puck
		- Kublai Khan
		- Less Than Jake
		- Lighterburns
		- The Maine
		- Makeout
		- Mayday Parade
		- Motionless In White
		- Movements
		- MyChildren MyBride
		- Nekrogoblikon
		- Palaye Royale
		- Phinehas
		- Picturesque
		- Real Friends
		- Reel Big Fish
		- Sharptooth
		- Silverstein
		- Simple Plan
		- Sleep On It
		- State Champs
		- Story Untold
		- Sum 41
		- Taking Back Sunday
		- This Wild Life
		- Tonight Alive
		- Trash Boat
		- Twiztid
		- Underoath
		- Unearth
		- The Used
		- Wage War
		- Waterparks
		- We The Kings
		- With Confidence
		- Additional special guests to be announced. Go to vanswarpedtour.com for more details.
	+ Chickenfoot will close out World Wide Rock Festival with a 3-hour set - with covers - to give the oldtimers something. Sammy Hagar will bring some of the guys from his other band The Circle to do guest appearances. Joe Satriani will get all the guys from his G3 Tour and the guys from Asking Alexandria to all jam together during the set as well. This will be similar to the jamming that happens on the side stages at the Calgary Folk Festival, but with Ronnie Radke and some of the guys from Sum 41 and Steve Vai and Roger from Less Than Jake all jamming together.
	+ There will be two headlining stages at World Wide Rock Festival that alternate all day. Some bands will play two sets, where they end up playing both stages, like Reel Big Fish and Sum 41, as a couple examples.
	+ To accommodate the number of bands playing the one-day World Wide Festival, the day will need to be expanded so that it's longer. This will be like merging cells in Excel, but with days. So instead of one day being only one day, one day will be three days.
	+ World Wide Rock Festival will take place on December 23rd, which will be a three-day long day after combining it with December 24th and 25th. This will involve tricking everyone in the world into thinking that it is one day by using a combination of mirrors and magnets and magnifying glasses to play with the sun to trick people into thinking that time is moving slower so the three days are actually only one day, similar to the tricks used with the second moon to create a global unified time zone, as discussed in Episode 13: World Wide Watch.
	+ Nair hair removal will be installed in each person's mask to prevent the attendees' 5 o'clock shadows from growing too long which could otherwise make them realize that three days are passing during World Wide Rock Festival.
	+ The 23rd, 24th, and 25th days of every month will be combined going forward to make things less complicated. Calendars will simply jump from the 23rd of each month to the 26th of each month.
	+ World Wide Rock Festival will have heaters from World Wide Potluck, which can also be used along with blankets to keep the attendees warm, since they'll be on a giant platform in the middle of the ocean on December 23rd and will be 6 feet apart from each other.
	+ World Wide Potluck lunch will be served midway through the one-day three-day World Wide Rock Festival, which will happen at midday of what would have been December 24th. Anyone wanting lunch on what would have been December 23rd or December 25th will be tased.
	+ The mosh pit at World Wide Rock Festival will have a few people who are infected with COVID-19. This will introduce a sense of danger and gamesmanship to the concert experience. However, since all a million attendees at World Wide Rock Festival will already have been vaccinated for COVID-19, the risk of infection will be relatively low. If they are worried, though, they can always head over to the medic tent to get topped.
	+ Josiah and Drew will not need to worry about insurance or being sued for any liabilities related to someone getting infected with COVID-19 from the infected people purposely populating the mosh pit at World Wide Rock Festival because they will be too big to be sued by that point and they could just run away from anyone trying to serve them. Anyone still attempting to do so would be greeted by the gunmen aboard World Wide Train (noun).

## Devil Play

* Josiah asked what the point of social distancing at World Wide Rock Festival is if everyone already has the vaccine.
	+ Drew countered by saying it's good to have both, in a move meant to recognize the realities of the new post-COVID world. We will never be able to get close to other people again after getting the vaccine because we have been on our phones for so long.
* Josiah asked how they will fit so many bands' sets into one day.
	+ Drew responded that they will combine three days into one day like merging cells in Excel. All it will require is everyone in the world to agree to do that.
	+ Josiah asked how they will get everyone in the world to believe that those three days are being combined into one day.
	+ Drew countered that they don't have to believe. He then scolded Josiah and told him that he doesn't want his help.
	+ Nevertheless, Josiah persisted by suggesting they use a combination of mirrors and magnets and magnifying glasses to play with the sun to trick people into thinking that time is moving slower so the three days are actually only one day. This will involve everyone in the world eating only three meals across the lengthened single day to further the ruse.
		- Note: This would be very similar to the simple mirror tricks mentioned in Episode 13: World Wide Watch that allow for a unified global time zone by reflecting the sun to everywhere in the world at the same time after the second moon is built.
	+ At this, Drew grew irritated. He mentioned 5 o'clock shadow and questioned how people could possibly be tricked into not noticing that they grew three days worth of facial hair in only one day.
	+ Josiah calmly responded that since everyone would be wearing masks for COVID-19, they could install Nair hair removal in the masks.
	+ Drew stated that this was the only issue he foresaw with the day merging.
	+ Josiah brought up the fact that the bands would have to play a little slower over the three days to help make it seem like one day.
	+ Drew countered that time is relative, per Einstein. So the relativity theorem.
	+ Josiah asked why they don't just call World Wide Rock Festival a three-day festival.
	+ Drew responded that he really wanted World Wide Rock Festival to be like the Vans Warped Tour in 2018, which was the last Warped Tour he went to.
	+ Josiah pointed out that the Warped Tour was a travelling festival, whereas World Wide Rock Festival would be a one-time event. Also, unlike Warped Tour, World Wide Rock Festival would have a 3-hour jam sesh with Joe Satriani, as well as Chickenfoot.
	+ Drew sadly affirmed that he supposed they wouldn't have to do it then, since they can't get it to work.
	+ At this, Josiah doubled down in an effort to make Drew happy, as he always does. He grew determined to make the Excel day merging theory work, as long as they could find three days on the calendar that could be safely combined into one day.
	+ Drew suggested sometime in winter.
	+ Josiah suggested mid to late December.
	+ Drew suggested December 23rd.
	+ Josiah asked if that meant they are erasing the two days after December 23rd.
		- Note: This will disrupt the World Wide Wedding, which is currently scheduled for December 25th, 2020. It is unclear at this time whether World Wide Wedding has been called off due to World Wife taking her own life upon her creation and discovering her fate as discussed in Episode 15: World Wide Beer with special guest Tom, or whether World Wide Wedding will still proceed as planned but it will simply take place at the same time as the evening of the long day of World Wide Rock Festival.
	+ Drew agreed.
	+ Josiah asked what the weather will be like on the giant platform in the middle of the ocean if World Wide Rock Festival is held at that time of year.
	+ Drew confirmed they would be using heaters, and mentioned this would be a similar issue to the one mentioned in Episode 4: World Wide Potluck, where they would need to keep all the food warm. Since this platform will be multi-purpose, they will already have heaters and blankets at the ready to keep all the attendees warm.
	+ Josiah asked what they will do about lunch.
	+ Drew responded that they would still serve World Wide Potluck lunch on the platform.
	+ Josiah pointed out that lunch will take place on December 24th to make up for the fact that the days were combined. This would help ensure everyone is tricked into believing it is still actually only one day. Anyone showing up for lunch on December 23rd or December 25th will be tased.
	+ Drew agreed, identifying the middle of the three days as lunchtime, which would be midday on December 24th.
	+ Josiah checked to confirm, then, that the calendar would jump from December 23rd to December 26th.
	+ Drew agreed.
	+ Josiah asked whether they would have to combine those three days every month or if it would be a feature exclusive to December.
	+ Drew agreed that the simplest solution would be to combine the 23rd, 24th, and 25th days of every month into a single day.
* Josiah pointed out that he agrees with the concept of social distancing but noted that he refuses to go to any show if there ain't no pit.
	+ Drew suggested that only a select few will be allowed to go into the pit at World Wide Rock Festival. These will be only the people brave enough to mosh.
	+ Josiah clarified that these people would be brave because they would be risking catching COVID-19.
	+ Drew demurred, stating that these people would be brave because not everybody is necessarily brave enough to mosh in the first place.
	+ Josiah interrupted him, though, to say it could be interesting to introduce an element of danger by putting a few people who are infected with COVID-19 into the mosh pit.
	+ Drew loved the element of surprise of this suggestion and likened it to the game of chocolate bars that grant you ticketed access to World Wide Rock Festival in the first place.
	+ Josiah asked whether they would need to worry about insurance or about being sued.
	+ Drew pointed out that they're too big to get sued. They have a World Wide Platform and World Wide Train.
	+ Josiah suggested that they just run away if someone tries to serve them.
	+ Drew agreed and brought up the security they have from all the gunmen powering World Wide Train (noun).
	+ Josiah suggested that they place the wax figures from World Wide Wax Museum and the greeters from World Wide Walmart in the mosh pit in lieu of humans. In the end, though, he liked the COVID-19 infected mosh pit idea better.
	+ Drew agreed and pointed out that the dangers of COVID-19 infection would be lessened anyway since everyone will already be vaccinated.
	+ Josiah mentioned anyone worried about being infected with COVID-19 by the live infection in the mosh pit could simply head over to the medic tent.
	+ Drew agreed, stating they could get topped by the medics.

## Notable Events

* World Wide Wednesday
* Drew read some news from CNN.com to Josiah.
* This episode's Seg-Mind involved closing your eyes, then keeping them closed while pretending you're laying on your back, then picturing the sky opening up above you, then inhaling slowly while imagining in the sky opening up above you that there is a giant ass slowly pushing out an enormous turd into your mouth. Josiah revealed that this was a fake Seg-Mind he designed in order to trick Drew. The real Seg-Mind of this episode involved thinking about whatever you want and calming down. Drew's calming thoughts involved imagining a giant ass pushing out a turd into his mouth. Josiah's calming thoughts involved imagining Drew thinking about all that stuff.
* Josiah played a video for Drew called "PiSk - Horny (Electro Swing Version)".
* Josiah played a video for Drew called "Music for erotic moments with your partner to make love".
* World Wide PiSk
* World Wide Platform, aka Boaty McBoatface

## Notable Quotes

### Josiah

* "So thank you for the troops. Thank you for um the Proops. Greg Proops."
* "[Doing a Donald Trump impression] You're fired."
* "[On the topic of President Trump being a contractor] He did the j-, he did the work, and they said, 'Thank you very much and we would like to explore our options. We'll be in touch,' signed: 'This great republic,' well, their great repub- republic. Republicans."
* "[On the topic of the election] I like to call it the hell-erection."
* "Hey, Bushbalm makes me think of um the Iraq War. Bush bomb. It's political, look it up."
* "[On the topic of someone referring to Kitchener, Ontario as beautiful] No one would say that. Kitchener is a shithole. Actually I think it's just kind of a neutral sort of place."
* "[In response to Drew's accusation that Josiah buys ass] Well, well I - I don't pay for it, I - it's a - You're not really buying it ever, it's a rental. I would say rent ass. It's more of a rental kind of - and let me tell you it's a blockbuster experience, my friend."
* "That's why they got rid of VHS, cause people were always trying to fuck the holes in the tape. It is true, and then it's harder to rewind. And that's why evolutionar - evolution dicks are more narrow now."
* "[On the topic of people being socially distanced for so long] For some of us like you, it's been our entire lives. That we've been uh socially distanced."
* "[In response to Drew asking how we're supposed to go back to being close to one another again] Or to go there for the first time, I know. Some of us have tried everything to make that happen."
* "You know, you hear about that uh, what was it called again? That famous festival. The far - fy - the f - the fer - the Fart Festival, I think it was called. There was a documentary about it? Fart Festival?"
* "How do we avoid having another Fart Festival on our hands?"
* "[On the topic of Fart Festival's name] Fieri Fest is what I would have called it cause it was so random. That's what I would have called it."
* "[In response to Drew equating throwing away garbage with giving charity to people] Give them your garbage? Is that how you treat the less fortunate?"
* "So why do you put things in there? You sort of think that you don't want something anymore so you put it in a pre-garbage iced container?"
* "And that's when you're eating human shit? For every meal? Caca? When you're eating caca?"
* "Sorry, this music's making me so horny. I can't concentrate."
* "[On the topic of the band Asking Alexandria] More li - if - hey, if that band came out today they would probably would be called - more like they'd be called Asking Alexa For Things, cause of technology."
* "A black v - black veil bride will be uh who walks down the aisle on your wedding day because she'll be in mourning."
* "[In response to Drew's list of bands that he's already personally confirmed will be playing World Wide Rock Festival] I just wanna like kind of, you know, we kinda do - we do characters on here a little bit, we - we goof - we like to goof around, we like to get at each other's throats, sometimes we're joking in a nice way, sometimes in a mean way. I just wanna say, I've been kinda working, in some respect or another, in the music industry for most of my life. Um and I was expecting to come in here and think, 'Oh here's this fuckin' chancer showing up out of nowhere just thinking that he knows what's - how it works, he's gonna book one - one World Wide Festival to please the entire world and it's gonna be just some absolute dog shit,' that I gotta say I am completely blown away and humbled by you, by what you've done, your skills as a curator are unparalleled. That is absolutely the perfect lineup for the entire globe to get behind um and I just cannot wait to get on board with this fest. I mean this is just - I - my j - you noticed I stopped responding because my jaw was dropping at how perfect of a - I would call this Drew's - Drew's Infinite - Infinity Playlist. Um it's just - it's perf - it's - it's perfect!"
* "Don't go try to pick up people when you hear that they're skanking. When they say 'Pick it up', it's not a pickup artist kind of thing."
* "Well I just know that you get really horny, but that's not the kind of horn that is in ska."
* "I - I heard that when you - when you do spreadsheets, the program that you use is called Incel. And Microsoft designed it just for you. And also the company was named after you as well."
* "Well when you give an example, it's an in-xample. Cause you're an incel."
* "So how are you gonna Excel the human calendar?"
* "What if I had said Albert Einstein's monster? Would that have been better to go?"
* "We're gonna do the three day one day Excel spreadsheet theory."
* "It ain't no show without no pit."
* "All right, well thank you for listening to Globe Hell Warning, I think we figured it out another problem, which is what will where will we will - the problem this week that we figured out is what will we do ab - uh what will - what will rock concert global c- what will World Wide Rock Concert look like and what will it be called."

### Drew

* "You're fired, Donald Trump, said America."
* "I'd like to be the fly on Pence's head. When he got the news that he lost the election."
* "Shut the fuck up, Josiah, let me finish this."
* "[In response to Josiah saying he doesn't have bias] I think you have buy-ass. I think you buy ass. Yeah I think you buy ass. I think you - I think you uh - I think you uh - I think you uh pay for sex, Josiah."
* "[On the topic of VHS tapes not being made anymore because people were always trying to fuck the holes in the tape] Now they're just using the holes in the DVD."
* "[On the topic of VHS tapes not being made anymore because people were always trying to fuck the holes in the tape] And everything's going to the cloud now, so you have to learn how to fuck the cloud."
* "I'm thinking of a giant ass pushing out a turd into my mouth."
* "I'm looking at the very first World Wide Festival Concert Rock Concert Festival."
* "[In response to Josiah's question of how they will be able to avoid World Wide Rock Festival becoming just another Fart Festival] Well because I'm gonna be planning it, Josiah. And you're gonna be helping me. And together I think that we can do anything including building a World Wide Train, building a World Wide Train, putting on a Rock Festival. I think that's something we can absolutely do."
* "Josiah just put on a song called PiSk - PiSk Horny."
* "Are we doing the Seg-Mind again?"
* "Don't interrupt. Don't."
* "Yeah, I don't think anybody was gonna think that we were gonna put our dicks together."
* "[In response to Josiah saying Trump reminded him of bread] Can I just say something? Can I just say something? Fuck Trump!"
* "We should do World Wide PiSk."
* "We'll book PiSk for the World Wide Festival."
* "[In response to Josiah's question that garbage is not garbage until it's in the can] Right. And guess what? If you don't - if - if you don't take it out to the bin, like the big bin, it's just in the garbage inside of your house or something, it's not garbage. It's still good."
* "[In response to Josiah's question about whether Drew eats out of the garbage in his house] No because it's not garbage. It's just - it's like a second fridge."
* "[In response to Josiah's question about whether Drew puts ice in his garbage can second fridge to keep the food cold] Yeah I keep it iced. I have a fan on it."
* "[On the topic of Drew using his garbage can as a second fridge] Yeah, I'll just get so full, so overstuffed, just unable to eat anymore, and I can't even think about wrapping it."
* "[On the topic of Drew eating human shit for every meal] No. No.. I don't do that, Josiah. No I don't eat - I don't eat caca, I don't eat doo-doo, I don't eat any poo-poo, anything from the butt. Except for eggs from a chicken \*loud belch\*."
* "There are quite a few bands for me to get through here, assuming we survive."
* "[After listing multiple bands confirmed to be playing World Wide Rock Festival] No, that's not - these are not band names."
* "No. For fuck's sake, Josiah, let me read this."
* "What if we showed a ska musician milkmouth?"
* "What about uh Bill Gates's butler calling him 'Master Gates'? Kind of sounds a little bit like 'masturbates'."
* "No, it's not a family show, Josiah! It's not a family show! We were listening to the *Horny* song earlier, it's not a for family - families don't get horny together, they shouldn't do that, it's not natural."
* "I don't want your help!"
* "Not smart enough to know what relativity is?"
* "I'm not bringing up Harvey Weinstein, I'm bringing up Albert Einstein. He's basically the opposite."
* "Welcome to Globe Hell Warning."

## Trivia

* This episode was originally titled simply "World Wide Rock Festival" but was renamed to include the episode number. This is the second such episode, following Episode 9: World Wide Landlord.
* Drew can be heard gargling an unspecified liquid at the beginning of the episode.