A comprehensive list of the characters

#### **CENTRAL CHARACTERS**

Theresa Elizabeth Sullivan Hartley - protagonist, Good Girl, World Empress, right hand of God, sociopath, Mary Sue, etc. She is apparently the one the audience is supposed to root for, but is pretty much hated by everyone who reads the book.

Steve Hartley - Theresa’s husband, number one fan, and fellow in-universe genius only. Seems content mooching off his wife's success and fame.

HAL - an alien (?) entity(?) that gives Theresa superpowers. Goes from a fox's stomach into Theresa's stomach. Never speaks and has no will of his own. HAL is named after a computer in "2001: A Space Odyssey", even if Norman stated himself that there is no connection between him and the computer.

UK Prime Minister Peter Blair - World renowned spoof of Tony Blair and Theresa's cheerleader. Runs the entire world, basically.

US President Veronica Stinson - A female leader who is always questioned and belittled by Theresa, probably because she's a woman and Theresa is the only positive female role the book can have.

US President William Martin - A guy portrayed as bad but his assassination attempt might've saved the world if it had worked.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Scherzer - A 'hero' in-universe who abandons his homeland when Theresa builds a new island for all the Jewish people instead of asking Theresa to just protect Israel.

Father Richard Donoughty - Priest, the first person Theresa confides in about HAL. Gets Theresa a free ride to college, which she only goes to for a year.

Jan Struthers - Head of "watchers" spying on Theresa. Later on, she runs all of Theresa's businesses. / An idiot who commits treason by going to another nation with classified information. Goes missing for half the book and never mentioned again until it becomes useful for the plot.

Edmund Parker - Forced to let Theresa and Steve crash at his home for a year. A boring forgettable character. Did you ever remember him? No?

Helen Parker - See her husband's page. Only speaks when Theresa needs cheering up.

Arthur Bemming - the loyal butler who is Theresa's cheerleader and also the British stereotype mashup party.

South Korean General Sonwu - The leader of a squad of crying Korean men.

**SECONDARY CHARACTERS**

*(characters who appear in only one chapter or only have a few lines)*

Jack Koster - The cheating Mister Fastmove. Uses Theresa as a side piece until his girlfriend comes for a visit. Dodged a bullet.

Ginny - Jack's girlfriend who is treated poorly yet is understandable. A waitress who has to try to keep a college educated man. It's very sad.

Elizabeth Sullivan - Theresa's mother who she forgets about, much to her mother's worry. Apparently has a mental breakdown when Theresa is believed to be dead. But ends up being okay by the end of the story.

Edward Sullivan - Theresa's father who gets Background Character Syndrome and is forgotten.

Catherine Sullivan - Theresa's sister who also gets forgotten. She is mentioned only twice in the first chapter and is never heard from again. Apparently not as smart as Theresa as she goes to trade school after she graduates.

Connie McKesson - a victimized lawyer punished for doing her job. Gave Norman an excuse to say "bitch".

Tommy Kearns - neighbour who throws a ball around with Theresa.

Tommy Kearns’ dad (unnamed) - takes over throwing the ball when he realizes Theresa is actually good at it.

Mrs. Steinfeld, teacher - comforts Theresa when she is bullied, stating that she's everything parents/teachers/the world wants. Relates Theresa's situation to an Amazon commercial.

Jeremy Benton, aid of Prime Minister Blair - meets with Theresa and is stunned by her presence. Somebody please call the police on this man.

Father Walter Haynes, BC president - pretty boring, can't think of anything to say. Apparently lets students walk around in 'little black nothings' around his Catholic college.

President of France, unnamed - says Theresa should act alone because a committee is impractical, and that thousands of assassins will be after her.

Admiral Ruck - complicit in the assassination attempt. Speaks in very. brief. stilted. sentences.

Lieutenant Junior Grade Virginia Connor - took a video of Theresa's last words before the execution. Should be imprisoned for filming a government assassination attempt, but isn't.

Juliet Graham - a "grand dame" who throws a picnic to honor Theresa in the middle of a food shortage.

Monsieur Labarre - French professor who confirms that Theresa found the bones of Joan of Arc. Apparently cries like a little girl at the sight of hair from a teen whose been dead for 600 years.

Khaled bin Azad - the charismatic and worldly Secretary General of the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries, OPEC. Probably a terrorist, as Norman portrays all Middle Eastern characters in the book as terrorists.

Bob - government agent who tells annoying jokes

John Maxwell -  Editor in Chief, the New York Times. Sends Theresa information about North Korea, as if she couldn't google it

The Parker Children- the children of Edmund and Helen Parker. No lines whatsoever, but they're sad when Theresa leaves. One is serving in the military. That's about it.

1-420 Hartley- The children of Steve and Theresa. Child-like appearances but actually decades-hundreds of years old and said to all be geniuses in varying departments. All the boys look like Steve, the girls look like Theresa, and they all have Theresa's hair color. Somebody please help these children.