Squeel Shattersplat

Squeel Shattersplat was a goblin bard who became enamored of the Foxy Irregulars after their exploits during the Dragon Heist. He found his way to the Irregular Tavern and started performing praise poems and songs about the Foxy Irregulars, soon becoming a regular installment and garnering fame. Andraste used a book of his poetry to enter the library at Candlekeep. Squeel eventually became a superstar and led his own party of adventurers that may or may not have included Alacrity the horse.

Squeel was played in two episodes by guest star Ben Cislowski

**Irregular Poetry for Regular Foxes**

**By Squeel Shattersplat the Bard**

——————

**Menagerie**

The Irregular Foxes all fight as a team

For a bard, their adventures are all but a dream

For I get to sing all their exploits in song

And list all the names of their animal throng

The first is Baga who has low, low HP

Then macBadger, whose nose is as keen as can be

His big brother Cleetus is giantly sized

While Hogglesheit weasel gets re-banish-ized

Next Norman the boar will the halfling mistreat

Since Remy the Fox went and killed him for meat

Nymeria, dire wolf’s named for a show

And the super-smart giant elk’s name is Bruno

Shadowburn Terry’s the panther who ate

The giant rat Jom on their very first date

A sword-wielding octopus’s name is Brynn

While Kuma the rat lives it up at the inn

Lightning Bolt horse had a name that belied

The speed of his gait and the length of his stride

The Irregular Phoenix is parked at the docks

Which is strange, for her masthead is carved like a fox

Big Grumble the bear to our horror awoke

Two horses who went and immediately spoke

First Steadfast likes eating his raw veggie chips

But Alacrity needs to just shut her damn lips

These are the creatures the Foxes have named

If you don’t like the puns, they’re the ones to be blamed

————

**Limericks**

1 There once was a warlock unshod

Made a pact with a tentacled god

And once he had eyes

To his friends’ great surprise

Revealed his magnificent rod

2 There once was a young cleric elf

Who was lonely and all by herself

Then she met a tall halfling

Whose gift was so baffling

She stuck the book back on the shelf

3 There was a tall halfling from Gwent

Whose gift was so long that it bent

To save him some trouble

He folded it double

And instead of just coming, he went

4 Daggerford often relates

Of the pirate who fought with his mates

When he slipped on his cutlass

Which rendered him nutless

And practically useless on dates

5 There once was a warlock who took

A cantrip he wrote in a book

He talked to a beast

But the talk never ceased

And all their heads constantly shook

6 It’s hard to just order a flagon

Though the cash in my pockets is saggin’

For Waterdeep’s change

Is exceedingly strange

Instead of a gold it’s a dragon

7 His greaves come right off with a zipper

Which makes the wild Rukus so chipper

He cannot fall down

So there’s never a frown

For he’s got a soft pink spider slipper

8 As he looked at his mansion in dread

Rukus knew that his family was dead

But before he could heal

He picked up his seal

And hammered it into his head

9 The Irregular tavern has beer

And location conveniently near

The place that’s not odd

To see cephalopods

Being massaged by some Octopeers

10 There once was a druid named Grumble

In bear form, he often would mumble

When some ogres he met,

He just talked down the threat

The encounter immediately crumbled

11 Their inn made the Foxes’ wealth greater

But it made their friend Thomas a hater

For instead of a fight

As he’d planned for the night

They just played Tavern Simulator

12 The Waterdeep Guard will not date us

In fact they would rather berate us

But we did as we’d told

And found all the gold

So now do they like us or hate us?

13 When Uzo is in a commotion

He’ll often come up with a notion

For though he’s not hurt

There’s sweat on his shirt

So down he will guzzle a potion

14 If your jokes and jibes crudely require

The faint at heart all to retire

You’d best keep your jeers

From Andraste’s fair ears

Or your healer will light you on fire

15 A flamberge is not meant for range

But maybe this rule needs a change

For Rukus is “smart”

And calls it his “art”

While we simply call it too strange

16 When rushing around is a craze

The Foxes will always amaze

With dragons and inn

From the time they begin

They’ll do it in just a few days

17 On a cold, rainy day in December

The group gained an NPC member

A noble by birth

His account had much worth

But his name I can “Never Remember”

18 Rogue Remy had so little height

He developed routine in a fight

He’d pull out his gun

Yell “earmuffs” and run

Then disappear out of plain sight

19 Remy the rogue had panache

And his red silken robe was quite posh

But he could move free

With opportunity

Because he so buckled his swash

20 When the DM, some players outwit

And encounters too easily submit

The coins have increased

And this week, at least

The chat just gave too many bits

**Remy Had a Little Sword**

Remy had a little sword

Little sword, little sword

Remy had a little sword

A pirate’s cutlass bright

And everywhere that Remy went

He slashed it with delight

He tried to stop a carriage once

And stuck it through the wheel

But carriage wheels are hardened oak

And stronger than thin steel

It shattered just above the hilt

And broke it into two

He sadly looked upon the bits

And bid the sword adieu

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

Twinkle twinkle butterknife

How you took that wererat’s life

Shiny with your silvered blade

In its guts so deftly laid

Twinkle twinkle butter knife

How you took that wererat’s life

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

How much is that oct’pus in the fish tank

The one with the fish-eating grin

How much is that oct’pus in the fish tank

And why is it here in our inn?

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

Fighter Rukus had a bag

E-I-E-I-O

And in that bag he had a weasel

E-I-E-I-O

With a squeak squeak here

And a squeak squeak there

Here a squeak, there a squeak

Everywhere a squeak squeak

Fighter Rukus had a bag

E-I-E-I-O

… had a giant rat

        … gnaw gnaw here

… had a badger

        … dig dig here

… had a boar

        … GORE THE HALFLING here

… had a panther

        … sneak sneak here

… had a giant badger

        … giant dig giant dig here

… had a dire wolf

        … awoo awoo here

… had a giant elk

        … mook mook here

Oh where, oh where, has my garter snake gone

Oh where, oh where, can he be?

With his tongue so forked and his life so low

Oh where, oh where, can he be?

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

Fighter Fox

Doo doo doo doo doo doo

Fighter Fox

Doo doo doo doo doo doo

Fighter Fox

Doo doo doo doo doo doo

Fighter Fox

Cleric Fox

Doo doo…

Warlock Fox

Doo doo…

Pirate Fox

Doo doo…

Roll initiative

Doo doo…

Die in pain

Doo doo…

Claim your kill

Doo doo…

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

All around the Waterdeep

Andraste hit on Remy

Remy kissed some random chick

POP goes the Remy

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

Hickory dickory dat

Remy turned into a rat

Andraste said no

Lycanthropy go

Hickory dickory dat

This old fox

He killed 1

He killed 1 orc for some fun

With a snick snack, bloody whack, throw a rat a bone

This old fox called tavern home

He killed 2 orcs into goo

He killed 3 orcs by a tree

He killed 4 orcs kicking a door

He killed 5 orcs, butter knived

He killed 6 orcs just for kicks

He killed 7 orcs up to heaven

He killed 8 orcs which he ate

He killed 9 orcs all the time

He killed 10 orcs would do it again

**The House of Irregulars**

There is a bar in Waterdeep

They call Irregular

With all my heroes living there

I bet you wish you were

Down inside the taproom

The bartenders a ghost

He pours Pete’s Pilsner and Great Stout

I think I like that most

Kuma smokes some righteous herb

In the library full of trees

The kitchen’s full of octopus

That Rachel cooks with cheese

The turret needs a trebuchet

They’ve got a goblin bard

There’s elf teens in the attic room

And quests start in the yard

If ever you’re in Waterdeep

And need a drink or two

Check out the Irregular Tavern

I know that’s what I’ll do

**Waterdhavian Pie**

A long long time ago

I can still remember how

That Rukus used to make me smile

The way that he was nobly bred

A gemstone shining in his head

And having no proficiency in guile

But then upon that fateful cruise

Forgot to wear his spider shoes

He couldn’t climb the mast up

With the Phoneix getting bashed up

Andraste said they cried and cried

And sailed the rest all misty-eyed

They felt the loss all deep inside

The day that Rukus died

--CHORUS--

    Bye bye Waterdhavian pie

    Gave that kraken such a whackin’

    when you made your sword fly

    You’re torn apart

    Now there/’s a tear in my eye

    Singing why’d you have to go off and die

    Why’d you have to go off and die

Did you know this fighter brave

Used a silvered butterknife to shave

Or else a giant flamberge blade

His brain was dumb but his mouth was smart

I knew I loved him from the start

Even when his favorite thing was throwing shade

Well I saw the pomade in his hair

And I thought I smelled some feces there

The stench we couldn’t quell

You’d know him by the smell

He was an eldritch knight from a noble fam

Whose preference was to kick doorjambs

But nothing else was worth a damn

The day that Rukus died

—CHORUS—

Well for two days we had sailed the sea

From Daggerford so carefully

Since we had been forced to flee

A huge wave lifted up the ship

And something grabbed us in its grip

And the water started surging frothingly

Then a monster came up from the deep

And Rukus made a flying leap

He cut right through an arm

But more would do him harm

Tentacles grabbed him by the head

And the crew they felt a load of dread

The monster made him super dead

The day that Rukus died

We started singing

--CHORUS--

I met a horse who liked to talk

But she hadn’t been to the dock

So I told her how my friend was gone

She went off to spread the news

To anyone who’d want to schmooze

And I cried all night until the dawn

And in the bars I sang my tale

And drowned my sorrows in some ale

Tried to find some gladness

But all I knew was sadness

Cause the man that I’d admired most

Was torn to pieces, now he’s toast

That was the last time that he’d boast

The day that Rukus died

And they were singing

--CHORUS--

**The Tale of Rogue Remy**

Bravely went rogue Remy

Went forth to kiss an elf

He was not at all afraid

No not rogue Remy

He was not at all afraid

To be shunned in nasty ways

No not brave brave rogue Remy

He was not in the least bit scared

To be slapped upside the face

Or to have his feelings hurt

Or to get cold shouldered

To have his nose get punched

Or be dropkicked in the skull

Or be lit on fire

brave rogue Remy

Or his tongue bit off

Or his guts ripped out

Or his molars drilled

Or his skin peeled back

Or his “bits”....

**Stoner Rat**

Stoner Rat, Stoner Rat

What are you smoking there?

Stoner Rat, Stoner Rat

That’s Remy’s herb

Living in a wooden box

Storing weed for Captain Fox   (#notmycaptain)

Stoner Rat, Stoner Rat

That’s Remy’s herb

Staying home to eat some cheese

Instead of hiking through blighted trees

Stoner Rat, Stoner Rat

That’s Remy’s herb

Lounging in a halfling’s robe

With a pipe around the globe

Soon the party will come home

Never will you roam

**The Commoner of Waterdeep**

Dave!

The man they call Dave!

CHORUS

 He worked in a shop and he begged with the poor

 He cooked octopus and he guarded a door

 A new NPC, we never will crave

 The Waterdeep catch-all, the man they call Dave

Now Dave is a name seeming common

All over Waterdeep town

It works well for generic strawmen

Who can’t gain any renown

So when some Waterdhavian parents

They have a babe who needs a name

Instead of unique

It’s ordinary they seek

And they pick the one that’s the same

CHORUS

Now here’s what separates commoners

From big damn heroes like you and I

They man they call Dave

Can give himself a shave

And he’s a new man, young and spry

Until a new one known as Evad

Enters into the scene

The man they call Dave

Could be noble or knave

The commonest name there’s ever been

CHORUS

**She Loves You** (The Beetles)

She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah

She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah

She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

You think you’ve lost your elf

But I just saw Andraste-ay

You’ve been here by yourself

But I swear I heard her say

CHORUS

  She said she loves you

  And you’ve got nothing to prove

  She said she loves you

  But you just won’t make your move

I know you’re really scared

And your heart is feeling numb

Just think of all you’ve shared

And stop being so damn dumb

CHORUS

The ball is in your court

But your heart won’t need to hea-eel

Our lives (and you) are really short

So go tell her how you fee-eel

CHORUS

She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah

She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah

She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

—————————

**Uzo Did It Again**

I think I did it again

See I just got eyes, my sight’s on the mend

I don’t know how I’m endowed

If should be meek, or I should be proud

And to break all decorum

That is just so typically me

Ooh foxy foxy

CHORUS

  Oops I did it again

  I showed you my junk

  My magnificence

  Ooh foxy foxy

  What do you think of this?

  Are these well-sized bits?

  There goes your Innocence

You see my problem is this

I’m just so enthralled, by my naughty bits

I need something to compare

To know how I rank, down under there

But to break all decorum

That is just so typically me

Ooh foxy foxy

CHORUS

(vamp)

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

I thought I heard my patron say

Stab her with your wiener

Cause it’s been a while since you had some play

It’s time to use your wiener

CHORUS

  Stab her with your wiener

  Oh stab her with your wiener

  Since you won’t kill Rukus though he irks you so

  Just stab her with your wiener

—————

**The Highborn Song**

Aah-aah aah

Aah-aah aah

I come from the land

Of irregulars

Where I throw my sword

And I kick down doors

Flamberge of the night

I already killed your halforc

Hide yourselves

Scream and cry

Asmodeus I am coming

As I sail toward

Baldur’s Gate

My only goal

is to seal your fate

Aah-aah aah

Aah-aah aah

I come from the land

Of irregulars

Where I throw my sword

And I kick down doors

You took it all from me

My home and both my parents

See how I slay your hoards

I am your overlord

So now you’d better stop

And rethink what you’re doin

Cause I will have my revenge

And bring all your ruin

Oh oh oh oh

**Rukus, Jive, and Wail**

Foxy, Foxy, it looks like it’s gonna hail

Foxy, Foxy, it looks like it’s gonna hail

Wait is that a flying fighter

Casting jump and jive and wail

CHORUS

  He’s casting jump and jivin’

  Then he’s really casting jump and jivin’

  Then he’s really casting jump and jivin’

  Then he’s really casting jump and jivin’

  Then he’s really casting jump and jivin’

  Then he’s ready to wail

Rukus in the elf camp looking for a pint of ale

Rukus in the elf camp looking for a pint of ale

Already ate the plant stick

And now he’s gonna jive and wail

CHORUS

Uzo’s making bets with all the elves dressed in mail

Uzo’s making bets with all the elves dressed in mail

You see ‘cause they don’t know

That Rukus’ spells can jive and wail

CHORUS

The Phoenix is a’packed and ready to go set the sail

The Phoenix is a’packed and ready to go set the sail

But Rukus is still jumping

Lettin’ out his jive and wail

CHORUS

——————————-

**Foxy Sailing Ship**

In the cave where I was born

We caught a man who road a goat

And he told of how he’d gone

On a foxy sailing boat

So we sailed from Waterdeep

Singing all the songs that I wrote

And we lived upon the waves

In a foxy sailing boat

We all live on a foxy sailing boat

A foxy sailing boat

A foxy sailing boat

We all live on a foxy sailing boat

A foxy sailing boat

A foxy sailing boat

It’s all quite irregular

I guess you could say that it’s bizarre

And the bard begins to play

Do-do-Lee-doop

We all live on a foxy sailing boat

A foxy sailing boat

A foxy sailing boat

We all live on a foxy sailing boat

A foxy sailing boat

A foxy sailing boat

————————

**The Trollskull Alley Rogue Song (Feeling Sneaky)**

Slow down and make noise less

You gotta use your stealthiness

Just creeping down the cobblestones

Doo doo da doo doo

Feeling Sneaky

Da da da da da da da

Feeling Sneaky

Hello guardsman whatcha packin’

Cause you won’t see me sneak attackin’

Aint you got no herb for me

Doo doo da doo doo

Feeling Sneaky

Da da da da da da da

Feeling Sneaky

Got missions to do, appointments to keep

Then go to the tavern when it’s time to sleep

Cause irregular life is the best way for me

Life I love you

Feeling Sneaky

**Joy to Faerun**

Young Andraste was a wood elf

A very good friend of mine

She said she’d use her fire on me for my jokes

But her healing kept me feeling fine

Yes they always made me feel so fine

CHORUS

Joy to faerun

Joy to sun and moon

Joy to the goddess Lliira in the sky

Joy to you and I

There used to be a blighted forest

Andraste said this wouldn’t do

She broke the blich’s evil green phylactery

And healed the forest too

CHORUS

She owns a Waterdhavian tavern

Along with all her friends

She loves those boys no matter how random

And she’ll stick with them til the end

CHORUS

**The Ballad of The Brigadier General**

To the Melody of “Barrett’s Privateers” by Stan Rogers

Oh the dragon season was getting late

- how I wish I was in Trollskull now

Neverwinter called for aid

So our open lord, preparations made

- gods damn that horse

- We were told

- We’d ride to battle, brave and bold

- And so we did, verily

- For there’s none whose might that can equal be

- To Brigadier General Alacrity

Lord Lirael looked upon the map

She thought if she made a difficult choice

She’d erase a very annoying voice

Alacrity was summoned to the hall

She was charged to raise an army who

She’d take to Neverwinter fresh and new

The general burst into my bar

“I need your help” she said to me

“To raise a squadron of cavalry”

So I raised my voice in the market square

I called on all who were strong of heart

To ride with us as we made our start

The recruits we got were a sickening sight

Donkeys, mules, with some drafts, and nags

And the soldiers dressed in scraps and rags

The giants rampaged round the town

The Netherese army called retreat

And it looked like they’d face a full defeat

We lined up against the giants’ lines

The general charged into attack

While I slung spells from atop her back

We broke their lines on the very first charge

We routed the giants toward the woods

And we took our pick from the loot and goods

Well the general’s victory was complete

After just two weeks since we marched away

We returned to Waterdeep yesterday