Worst Rescuers Ever

## Description

The crypts below Castle Ravenloft are filled with mystery and despair… and also filled with four increasingly fed-up adventurers who have had it just about up to here with the Vampire Strahd and his many creations. Warning: this episode features a wonder horse.

## Synopsis

In the crypt below Castle Ravenloft, Freezo loots the corpse of the Ettin. They use the Lantern of Revealing to check all of the doors and find one with a magical aura, which says nothing on it. Inside is a small tomb with a sarcophagus and candles. They see a figure lying on top of it. Ireena approaches it and sees the figure is that of Strahd von Zarovich, sleeping in his tomb. Freezo thrusts his sword into the vampire's chest, which wakes and angers him.

Philge tries to convince Strahd that Freezo is Patrina disguised. He doesn't believe it. Strahd casts a mass paralysis spell, but the Relic of Pelor protects them from Strahd again. He does it again, but he can fight against it in his own crypt, and he destroys the relic. Strahd takes one of Bobby Pancakes's ears (the left one). He takes Ireena, and locks them in the crypt forever, telling them that they do not need to eat or drink, but can never leave. He gallops away on Bucephalus with Ireena, and the Dragon Friends are trapped.

They see a spellbook that seems to be centuries old, lying there, open. Bobby suggests that Philge open the sarcophagus, which is empty. They allow Freezo to look at the book, who realizes that it shows part of a description of a ritual that opens a portal to the deep ethereal plane and summons an army of the undead. The spell requires the sacrifice of the one the caster loves most in the world. Freezo realizes he can't cast it, because that person is himself. He doesn't tell his friends what he read, but they know he's lying to them. They make him tell them the truth. They destroy the spellbook.

They find the doors to the tombs of Sergei von Zarovich and Patrina. In Sergei's tomb they see a statue of Sergei, who looks near identical to Strahd. Bobby takes a medallion off the statue's neck. Philge sees the skeleton of Sergei holding a finely decorated hilt of the Name Sword of Sergei von Zarovich, and takes it.

While this is happening, Freezo sneaks off alone into Patrina's tomb. Freezo sees something glittering near the top of the sarcophagus. It is a ladies' necklace, but upon touching it, a banshee materializes. Freezo pulls out a tin whistle and begins blowing on it to attempt to drown out any screams the banshee might produce. The banshee magically frightens Freezo and he poops. The Dragon Friends in the other room hear a commotion and think that Freezo might be masturbating. Freezo manages to pull the door open and Philge joins him in combat against the banshee. Once they all begin to fight, Baston falls victim to the banshee's screams and begins to die. Bobby holds up the medallion he found, and the banshee reaches to her neck where she is wearing the matching medallion. Bobby tries to snatch the medallion from around her neck, but that angers her. Freezo gets his spellbook back from Philge. They defeat the banshee and Bobby brings the medallions together, which form another key to the crypt. He then gives Baston a healing potion, and drinks one himself.

## People

### Dragon Friends

* Philge
* Freezo
* Bobby Pancakes
* Baston

### Non-Player Characters (NPCs)

* Ireena Kolyana
* Strahd von Zarovich

### Bestiary

* Bucephalus
* Vampire
* Banshee

## Places

* Castle Ravenloft
* Zarovich Family Crypt

## Themes, tropes and running jokes

* Freezo's Wank Screams — when attacked by a banshee
* Dragon Huddle

## Quotes

* "We used to be Dragon Friends, now we're like Dragon Frenemies!" - Bobby Pancakes
* "I'm just a warlock... standing in front of a half-orc... asking her to give him a spellbook." - Ben Jenkins

## Table Talk

* Dave was mercilessly bullied in a cut portion of this session, and the scars show in the podcast.
* Zoe Norton-Lodge is furious that the Dragon Friends failed to rescue Ireena Kolyana.