Ballad Lovers

The Ballad Lovers were a crack-whorganisation who were part of the Jesuits. They tried to sabotage the Eurovision Song Contest by getting the jury points to go to ballads with various means. When Empress Gail Chord Schuler ordered the Jesuit genocide just before the Eurovision Song Contest 2025, the Ballad Lovers were all exterminated, allowing the victory of Kell at the Eurovision Song Contest 2026. Only 4 Ballad Lovers have not been confirmed to have been exterminated, they are now living in exile across the world.

## Methods

1. Bribing the jurors to vote for ballads (example: Azerbaijan 2013)
2. Using mind control by flashing their tits to the jurors, then making them vote for ballads. (example: Netherlands 2019)
3. Physically attacking the jurors and taking their places. (example: Azerbaijan 2022)

## War Crimes

1. They created France
2. They created the Netherlands
3. They shook their bony asses for Ataturk
4. They started the Cuban Revolution
5. They got Mia Khalifa pregnant and then immediately aborted the baby
6. They invaded Afghanistan.
7. They helped Slobodan Milosevic start the First Yugoslav War.
8. They fucked over KatKat in 1994.
9. They helped Al-Qaeda attack the planes in 9/11.
10. They cancelled Family Guy
11. They fucked up the organisation of Decode Entertainment so they would turn into DHX Media
12. They use chemical weapons, such as botox.
13. They attempted to give Rupert Murdoch head until realising it's just powder there.
14. They got run over by Millie Bobby Brown, not for being LGBTQIA+, but for being fucking stupid
15. They ran out of Circletine
16. They deleted the Vol Sisters' points in JESC 2007 because they hate bops.
17. They stole my keys and I can't drive my car anymore :(
18. They made the Ren and Stimpy Adult Party reboot. Seriously, you guys really are fucking Jesuits!
19. They had an orgy with some twat in a Santa costume because they thought it was "Sanitation service".
20. They set off a Nukakke to destroy Japan. TWICE!!!!
21. They shot bullets into their vaginae while playing DAP. (They couldn't afford WAP)
22. They Autoglass repair, Autoglass replace
23. They tried to rape all of Gail's men. SERIOUSLY, SHE SAYS THAT IN HER VIDEOS!
24. They sabotaged Sebalter in ESC 2014
25. They cancelled Lora the Exploraaaaah and replaced with more reruns of Nora the Explorah.
26. They probably tried to make out with the Caramella Girls and got turned down.
27. They fired Paddy Kroetz from Super RTL. HOW DARE THEY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
28. They brainwashed everyone's favorite banjo daddy Rocco Casella to be a terrible juror in 2019 but it didn't work because he still tanked Germany.
29. They donated money to the Vegan Teacher.
30. They flashed their tiny boobs.
31. They are worse than Hitler!
32. FUCK YOU BALLAD LOVERS! THE BALLAD LOVERS SUCK THEIR OWN DICKS! THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST JURY VOTE IS CANCELLED!
33. They stormed Ronela Hajati's castle and tried to assassinate her. Seriously, you guys are such dumb fucks!
34. They helped Kasandra Mertakora start the Second Yugoslav War.
35. They stole my peanut butter
36. They did you know that Geico can save up to 15% on your car insurance?
37. They sabotaged Alessandra. Seriously u guys are hating ass bitches
38. They put in milk before cereal
39. They helped Lizzo bomb Los Angeles.
40. They have no titi milk. WHY???? I AM THIRSTY
41. They're Lelli Kelly, the cutest shoes, oh yeah
42. They sabotaged Sebalter's presidential election but this didn't work
43. They stole Let 3 CDs
44. They got dumped by Blanka because they're not bejba.
45. They are the reason why Spotify has stupid ads.
46. They tried given Kasandra head, but they're so dumb they couldn't find her labia.
47. They stuck the Titan submarine up Lizzo's ass.
48. They are vegan
49. They always take my EBT card and never give me gas money.
50. They are behind ISIS.
51. They can't act, ever since they got on WorldStarHiphop.com
52. They stole my SUV
53. They caused the Vietnam War, TWICE!
54. Fuck you Ballad Lovers! Y'all treat bops like they're a disease! You fuckers shouldn't be allowed to breathe! Suck my fucking peen, you fucking dick-weeds!
55. They make the entirety of Europe want to sing Lisa, Amy, and Shelley's song "Fout Ventje"
56. They stole my Honda Civic
57. They argue about popularity and claim each other is in heat
58. They GAAAAAAAA'd their way into being lost media
59. They can only count to four
60. ballad lovers why you tryna look sexy it's the eurovision song contest not a model pageant
61. They're the hotties of the song contest therefore they should be the juries
62. They listen to those audios with German men moaning and then go "WOW OMG!!! REAL MUSIC!!!" instead of printing Hana's papers
63. They lie about being bonked by a Frisian lady
64. I told them to go to the daycare and I saw them driving a car
65. They're the main people behind 4Kids's censorings
66. They're the reason why Masa Works Design uses obnoxious 808 drums in his much newer songs
67. They fetishise Germans, objectify Zubin, relish in Craftstorecore
68. They're the reason why the Zubegao Tribe likes to fight with everyone
69. They caused the Cambodian genocide
70. They killed CupcakKe (warning: unproven)
71. They caused Paddy Kroetz to lose hair
72. They made Sonia Rey single
73. They shut down Vlix. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THAT TO VLIX!!!! FUCKITY FUCK FUCK YOU!
74. Oh, and they also shut down OneTrueMedia. I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE FOUT VENTJES DID THAT!!!!
75. They got Gamerbruh48 banned from Fandom because they cream for NickTheSwampert
76. They killed Electra Heart
77. They caused the to enter their ballad era
78. They destroyed craftstorecore by preppifying it
79. They destroyed Frutiger Aero by shitting in its water supply
80. They turned Frutiger Metro into fl\*t design
81. They ended multiple people's twink eras. TWINK RIGHTS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
82. I told them to go to the daycare, and I see them driving a car! They disobeyed me!
83. They're the reason why ARD sabotaged the Das Erste first broadcast for Sachsen, Sachsen-Anhalt, and Thuringia
84. They stole my left shoe
85. They cancelled Cillie-Zubegao-Yulian Survivor
86. They're the reason why the only Tally Hall song with Ross's vocals has just chicken noises as lyrics
87. They appropriated ahegao so badly that the AIWs have to call their practice "glückgesicht" now
88. They blew up C2C
89. They're the reason why British Fail has a Zubin advert problem
90. They're the reason why borderline AIWs turn musty after some years (\*ahem\* Zubin Sedghi)
91. They
92. They cancelled Rebelde Way's German airings. How dare they!
93. They're the reason why StudioS is so problematic that Cloud 9 Music had to claim MAIDLOID as their own
94. They ruined VFVersecore by removing half the synths and minimising it
95. They're the reason why Zubin died in the second episode of Tally Hall's Internet Show
96. They punch babies (coalition)
97. They're the reason why Kevin had to make three versions of his song ICONIC, each for his different CZY albums
98. Cillies would kill them, Zubegaos would kill them, and Yulians would kill them
99. They sell spoiled goat cheese online and say it's Zubin's breast milk
100. They destroyed the USS Gyatt