303: This Is Going to Feel Very Unhelpful

* Will's sister (mentioned)
* Will's father (mentioned)

## Summary

The Desert Mothers impart their wisdom to the party, first telling them that it's important they celebrate Will's birthday (which nobody knew about), and then reveal that they actually had contact with the dark powers before they spread themselves around Six Rivers. They also tell the group that they should stick with Raphina and trust their instincts when it comes to where they should go next. Will and Great Aunt Tootie get a little flirty and Rosco joins in, before Will asks some private questions of his own.

## Synopsis

Aunt Bootie waits impatiently for Raphina to speak. Finally, Raphina yells *"Where is Waldo?! Is Waldo in my house? Waldo Phalangepot. I just know he's trying to follow me, but I don't know what's happening in this world because it's so convoluted. And I have a feeling he has something to do with all of this. So what is going on?"* Aunt Bootie hands Raphina a replacement pair of distance glasses with telescopic lenses and using these, Raphina can see her house is absolutely fine. She tells the aunts that Waldo, her pet porcupine, is safe and sound, but really she was just looking to get a good view of her house.

The party ask for the aunts' advice on what they're supposed to do next. Great Aunt Tootie gives her cigarette to Will, then deftly lights a special small cigarette, takes a swift drag and immediately puts it out. Before getting to the business of their travels, Tootie points out that it was Will's birthday recently, and says that birthdays are "days of power" and that the rest of the party all must to do something about the fact that it wasn't celebrated, before adding a warning, *"if you have any chance of doing what needs to be done."*

Great Aunt Tootie then goes on to say that the dark powers actually approached them. *"Being where I am right now, you encounter things,"* she says cryptically. They rejected their offer of gifts, and the dark powers moved on, finding other places to latch on to. When they get onto the subject of what the party should do next, Great Aunt Tootie says that it's clear that they have to remove the slivers of dark power, but in terms of specific next actions, her advice really is as follows: *"You four can feel truly confident to trust your instincts. Especially with Raphina with you."* Will glances at Rosco, not entirely sure which four she might be referring to.

The atmosphere has been getting increasingly flirtatious between Will and Great Aunt Tootie and it reaches the point that Raphina is so uncomfortable, that she slips out to retrieve her porcupine, placing it in her terrarium. When Rosco says he wants answers about the Fairy Queen he slept with, Tootie reveals that she too slept with a Fairy Queen long ago, even happily emulating the sound of their love making. Rosco listens keenly, but doesn't feel that it rings any bells for him. That doesn't stop him from also getting very flirtatious with Great Aunt Tootie.

Aunt Bootie angrily wrenches the conversation back on track. Batthwack says that if they're heading to Gully's End next, he's feeling doubtful about what they might find, given the changes that Beartoggle suffered. *"Then again,"* he says, *"Maybe it's good that it's different. Maybe I can go back if it's different."* Will playfully suggests that maybe there'll be a doppelganger King Batthwack there, who he can enjoy killing.

Raphina asks the aunts about the weapon that the Captivating Coyote possesses, as told to them by the Very Virile Badger. They both agree that this should be a focus. *"You always listen to what a badger tells you,"* says Aunt Bootie.

**KT's secret section is hidden here**

Will sends a private *Message* to Great Aunt Tootie to ask about the book where he saw his sister trapped. She responds to say, *"The book is not a place. It's a way to a place,"* and adds that books can be prescient, suggesting events depicted in the book may be in the future. She suggests more might be learned at the Grand Library of Carnivar. He then asks about his father, and is it true that he was magical? Tootie reminds him of what she said earlier, that birthdays are powerful days, and this is tied to his father. *"No matter how you feel or felt about him, or what he's done to you, or what you've done to him, his blood is in your veins,"* she says. Will is clearly disturbed and angry about this subject. She goes on to say that if Will wants to know how it can be that he didn't know his father had magical powers, he should find a way to get to know him. *"Gross. That's a horrible answer, Tootie,"* says Will.
## Quotes

* Eric (45 minutes into the episode, considering what skill check Rosco can make to see if he recognises Great Aunt Tootie's sex noise): *"We're gunna play some D&D here..."*
* KT: *"I was hoping that there was another King Batthwack and not just this guy, and we could go kill Batthwacks in some way shape or form. Don't smash my dreams Toots! You know what I'm saying?"*
* KT (when Batthwack suggests he'll throw Will in the sea): *"If that happens, I get his necklace. Not that I know what I'm gonna do with it, but I get his necklace thing and I know that will bother him."* Eric: *"He'll throw it in after you."* Alex: *"Use it to tie your legs and arms together before I throw you in."*

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Eric, in character as Great Aunt Tootie. *"You speak of need, like there's some path you're supposed to be on. It's not as simple as that. I would say... you four... now this is going to feel very unhelpful. It really will. I completely understand that it will. But that's alright. I don't mind that you think that. That's what I have to say. You four... can feel... truly confident to trust your instincts."* Aunt Bootie: *"Especially with Raphina with you!"*
* This episode featured the cast's version of *The Gambler*, recorded specially for Adam's birthday
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: bonita, which translates in Spanish to **pretty**.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured Adam doing a recap to the tune of *Question* by Old 97's:

*[Verse 1]*

We emerged from a lake, which now was a river

Cuz we beat a sliver

Mo arrived on a boat, along with Raphina

And Will got all nervous

*[Chorus]*

Someday somebody's gonna give you

A present that you should say yes to

Oh, Raphina

Maybe today Will's got a terrarium for you

*[Verse 2]*

The terrarium had a model of Tivoli

With a googly eyes store

Then the Morphin' Scorpion, Will still lacks an ankle

Then shouts "What does it mean?"

*[Chorus]*

But Will, Raphina's gonna tell you

She set Hilula free without you

And you cast *Fly*

Because you don't trust anybody but you

*[Verse 3]*

Batthwack watched Will fly, realised he could have

Asked Aeon for *Fly*

Instead he touched the god's fin, then touched Mo's shoulder

Mo was so happy

*[Chorus]*

But Mo, Rosco's gonna tell you

About a game you should say no to

Dock Dock Caboose

Is what happens when improv goes way too far

*[Verse 4]*

Down the river we sailed

Beartoggle had changed

We found the hotel, now a house boat

With our pets and Sheemie

*[Chorus]*

Some day Sheemie is gonna tell you

That all his memories are now times two

And he knows gnomes now

Hey DM we've got some questions for you

*[Verse 5]*

Will wanted to steal Ricardo Odysseus's boat

But Rosco said,

"I got you covered, I got a plan"

"An itinerary"

*[Chorus]*

Here's a leftover verse for me to

Include info that I forgot to

Write in earlier

So I'll just say Rudy got googly eyes from

*[Verse 6]*

Raphina wanted to see the Desert Mothers

Aunts Bootie and Tootie

They flirted with Will and got him high

Then yelled at Raphina

*[Chorus]*

Some day Raphina's gunna ask you

Her question you should give advice to

So, you aunts

Raphina has got a question for you

She's got a question for you

She's got a question for you

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ See episode 298: AS YOU FIIIIISH
2. ↑ See episode 274: Treat Mo-Self
3. ↑ See episode 237: "YoU'vE CoNviNcEd mE"