Filthy

*Todd plays "Filthy" on the piano.*

***FILTHY - JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE***
***A pop song review***

**Todd:** Wow. We, umm...we sure don't like Justin Timberlake all of a sudden.

> *Clip of Super Bowl LII Halftime Show*
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> **Justin Timberlake:** Let's goooooo!
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**Todd (VO):** I mean, it's not sudden I guess. But to me, it feels like we went from some people not liking him to *[shots of negative articles about Justin Timberlake]* pretty much *everyone* not liking him overnight. I started writing this episode right after the Super Bowl performance, which...you know the reviews on that were pretty mixed. Some people thought it was just *meh*, but others thought it was reallymediocre.

**Todd:** And then in between, there's everyone who thought it was OK.

**Todd (VO):** I mean I mostly liked it personally. Like, yeah it was a little safe, but I enjoyed it. But even I'll concede...

**Todd:** ...it wasn't *nearly* good enough to drown out all the negative buzz. For one thing...

**Todd (VO):** ...he started the night off with his new single.

> **Justin:** Put your filthy hands all over me
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**Todd:** *That* was not a good sign.

> *Video for "Filthy"*
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> **Justin:** Hey!
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> If you know what's good (If you know what's good)
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**Todd (VO):** I feel kind of defensive for Justin, who's made so much music I like, but...*[chuckles]* I don't know what to tell you here. What am I gonna say? That this is a good song? It's not.

**Todd:** OK, let's back up a bit.

> *Video for "Suit & Tie"*
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**Todd (VO):** In 2013, Justin Timberlake stopped making shitty movies long enough to drop a *[cover for The 20/20 Experience]* big long album with lots of fanfare. And four months after that, he released a *[cover for The 20/20 Experience - 2 of 2]* second big album that was *even longer*. *[clip of "TKO"]* And it's not like those albums did *badly* exactly, but for that much hype, it underperformed. There just wasn't enough good songs on them. Also, all of them went on too goddamn long.

> *Video for "Supplies"*
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**Todd (VO):** But now, after another long break, JT's finally releasing a new album. Another comeback. A comeback *from* the comeback almost. And the big hot first single off of it was called...

**Todd:** ..."Filthy."

> *Clip of "Filthy"*
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> **Justin:** If you know what's good (If you know what's good)
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**Todd (VO):** Now, to be honest, I don't really like this kind of single in general. I mean the video for it where he plays like a Steve Jobs type introducing his hot new robot; th-that's perfect. It makes perfect sense.

**Todd:** 'Cause it's the kind of song that's not even really a song. It's a product launch.

> **Justin:** Haters gon' say it's fake
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> I guess I got my swagger back
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**Todd (VO):** It's a trailer, it's a promo for the album.

**Todd:** It's the same trick he pulled with "SexyBack."

> *Video for "SexyBack"*
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> **Justin:** I'm bringin' sexy back
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**Todd (VO):** And I realize I'm sitting at a lonely table for one on this one, but...

**Todd:** ...I *hated* "SexyBack." But I completely understood why it was so big.

**Todd (VO):** It was less a single and more of a campaign theme. A single that says, "You're listening to me because I'm the biggest thing on the planet. It doesn't even matter if you like me or not." Timberlake 2020. Justin Christ Superstar.

**Todd:** Something to blast out of your tanks as you invade a country.

> *"SexyBack" plays over clips of* Apocalypse Now
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> **Timbaland:** Come here girl
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> **Justin:** Go 'head be gone with it
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> **Timbaland:** Come to the back
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> **Justin:** Go 'head be gone with it
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> **Lt. Col**. **Kilgore (Robert Duvall):***[dubbed over with Todd's voice]* I love the smell of sexy in the morning!
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**Todd:** So that's the idea at least.

> *Clip of "Filthy"*
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> **Justin:** If you know what's good
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**Todd (VO):** *[sighs]* I don't think it's working for "Filthy" though. He released it a few weeks ago, and ever since he dropped that single, that single has *[Close-up shot of current Billboard Hot 100 with "Filthy" at #51] dropped*. Like a brick in the ocean. By the time I get this video out, it might have gone *[image of...]* negative platinum.

**Todd:** Or who knows? It might turn around, but I don't see it happening.

> *Video for "Look What You Made Me Do"*
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**Todd (VO):** Taylor Swift pulled this same move with *her* latest disaster. But even though the sales numbers were a little underwhelming, she *did* get some mileage out of it because Taylor Swift still holds a death grip on the public's imagination.

**Todd:** Justin Timberlake *[clip of "Can't Stop the Feeling!"]* has become a boring man who makes songs for kids' movies. But let's break it down piece by piece. Start it off.

> *Video for "Filthy" starts again*
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> **Justin:** Hey!
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> If you know what's good (If you know what's good)
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*Todd pretends to be amazed by Justin then does a jerkoff motion*

> **Justin:** Haters gon' say it's fake
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> I guess I got my swagger back
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**Todd (VO):** Look, Justin has been *[clip of "Rock Your Body"]* hot shit for a long time. But let's be real; Justin was *[pictures of Justin from his Mickey Mouse Club and NSYNC days]* lame for at least as long as he was cool. There was a window of time where he could use hip-hop slang and not sound like a trying-to-be-cool youth pastor, but we're past that.

**Todd:** "Got my swagger back." Pffft.

> **Justin:** Your friends, my friends
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> And they ain't leavin' till six in the morning
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**Todd:** I think even my *dad* knows the song those come from.

> *Live performance of Jay Z - "All I Need"*
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> **Jay Z:** Guess I got my swagger back *[17-year-old song]*
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> *Video for Snoop Dogg - "Gin and Juice"*
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> **Snoop:** They ain't leavin' til six in the morning *[24-year-old song]*
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**Todd (VO):** They're not like a Bruno Mars-style throwback. It's just him puking up clichés. I'm surprised he didn't add...

**Todd:** ..."We're gonna get jiggy with it, y'all!"

> **Justin:** Haters gon' say it's fake
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> So real
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**Todd (VO):** So, anyway...this song has to, um...

**Todd:** ...start at some point, right?

> **Justin:** Haters gon' say it's...fake
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**Todd (VO):** Come on.

> **Justin:** Put your filthy hands all over me
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> No, this ain't the cleeeeeean version
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> What you gonna do with all that meat
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> Cookin' up a meeeeaaan servin'
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**Todd:** *[Beat; Todd inhales and buries hands in his face]* There is *way* too much to unpack here.

> **Justin:** Put your filthy hands all over me
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**Todd (VO):** Hold on, I think I'm gonna have to, like, write an *[screenshot of song lyrics]* outline just to understand *[brief glimpse of annotations]* everything that's going on in these four lines.

**Todd:** Oooh! OK. Let's start with the title!

> *Image of "Filthy" single cover*
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**Todd (VO):** Filthy. *Filthy.* What do you even mean by that? Look at...*[notices words above and below "Filthy By Justin Timberlake"]* Wait...

**Todd:** ...hold on, hold on. I'm just reading the album art here. *[closeup of bottom words]* "...Should be played very loud." Oh, is that the problem? *[shrugs]* OK. Crank that shit!

> *Clip of "Filthy" with volume cranked up*
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> **Justin:** So real
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> Haters gon' say it's...fake
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**Todd:** *[throwing up devil horns and banging his head]* YEAHHHH!

> **Justin:** Say it's fake
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> I guess I got my swagger back
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**Todd:** YEAH! YEAH! *[throws piano stool against the wall]*

> **Justin:** Your friends, my friends
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> And they ain't leavin'...
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**Todd:** *[jumps around a little bit before calming down]* OK, volume is not really enhancing the experience here.

> **Justin:** Exactly what you like times two
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**Todd (VO):** Yeah *[stammers]* this isn't really a banger or anything. I'm not sure why the cover art says that. OK, that wasn't the problem.

**Todd:** Anyway, like I was saying. *[air quote]* Filthy. Filthy?

> **Justin:** No, this ain't the cleeeeeean version
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**Todd (VO):** No, no. Let's be clear; there's not a damn thing filthy about this. Now *[clip of "SexyBack"]* sexy you can get away with. That's-that's pretty subjective.

**Todd:** But filthy, I mean that-that's a lot more measurable. You have *[image of MPAA rating system]* ratings boards to measure this exact kind of thing. And "Filthy" would be lucky to even be rated PG.

> **Justin:** No, this ain't the cleeeeeean version
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**Todd (VO):** Justin, you realize this song gets played on the radio, right? Including that line! I heard it! If...

**Todd:** ...they can play the non-clean version...

**Todd (VO):** ...on the radio, *[Parental Advisory: Really Tame Content stamped over video clip]* it's obviously not that bad!

**Todd:** I mean, there's no bleeps, there's no edits.

**Todd (VO):** The only thing keeping this version from being played on public airwaves is that no one likes it! Kidz Bop probably wouldn't have to change the lyrics. And they change the lyrics...

**Todd:** ...for *everything*!

> *Snippet of Kidz Bop version of "Hotline Bling"*
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> **Kidz:** You used to call me on my cell phone
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> *[ACTUAL KIDZ BOP LYRICS]*
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> Anytime you need to talk
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> *Back to "Filthy" video*
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> **Justin:** Put your filthy hands all over me
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**Todd (VO):** This is a long-standing beef I have with Timberlake, dating back to when he was in NSYNC.

> *Video for "Bye Bye Bye"*
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> **NSYNC:** Bye bye
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**Todd (VO):** Now I *hated* NSYNC. I still hate NSYNC; *[image of...]* Backstreet forever. *[video for "Pop" starts]* But their single worst moment was this one by far.

> **Justin:** Dirty pop, that you can't stop
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> I know you like this dirty pop
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**Todd (VO):** *[sarcastically]* Dirty pop. 'Cause they were *soo* dirty.

**Todd:** You know, NSYNC.

> *Video for "This I Promise You"*
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**Todd (VO):** Disney-ass, "this I promise you," NSYNC think they're dirty pop. At the same time, like *[montage clips of Juvenile - "Back That Azz Up"; Ludacris - "Welcome to Atlanta"; Christina Aguilera - "Dirrty"]* Juvenile, and Ludacris, and even Christina goddamn Aguilera were tearing up the charts.

**Todd:** You don't become edgy just because you *say* you are, Timberlake! It's not like...

> *Footage from Peter Pan Broadway show*
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**Todd (VO):** ...clapping your hands to make Tinker Bell come to life. You don't just *believe* that you're filthy.

**Todd:** The only thing filthy about this song is that he *uses* the word filthy.

**Todd (VO):** And he's not even using it correctly!

> **Justin:** Put your filthy hands all over me
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**Todd:** I'm trying to think of anytime I've heard "filthy hands..."

**Todd (VO):** ...used in any kind of sexual connotation, but n-no. Filthy hands always means, "You're a repulsive shit-encrusted turd person. Get the hell away from me!"

> *Clips from* Planet of the Apes *are intercut with "Filthy" video*
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> **George Taylor (Charlton Heston):** Take your...
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> **Justin:** ...filthy hands...
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> **George:** ...off me you damn dirty ape!
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**Todd:** And then...oh boy.

> **Justin:** What you gonna do with all that meat
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**Todd:** *[Beat]*...Pardon?

> **Justin:** What you gonna do with all that meat
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**Todd:** All that...meat...inside your...feet? *[throws hands up]*

**Todd (VO):** How come no matter how much distance we put between us and *[clip of...]* "My Humps" we can't escape its shadow?! And this song is somehow *just as bad.*

**Todd:** OK, one: Justin, do you know what *[image of sausage]* meat symbolizes?

> *Clip from* The Office
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> **Michael Scott:** Who wants some man meat?
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> **Dwight Schrute:** I do! I want some man meat.
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**Todd:** Two: O-OK. Actually, we gotta back up for this one.

> *Album trailer for Man of the Woods*
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**Todd (VO):** OK, the PR for Justin Timberlake's new album, *Man of the Woods*, is that it's his rootsier, back-to-nature inspired record. Allegedly. It-it's a weird undercooked concept that doesn't ever come together.

**Todd:** And "Filthy" doesn't fit into the whole "back to the woods" thing *at all*.

> *Snippet of dubstep sounds*
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**Todd (VO):** Unless those ugly dubstep wibble-wobbles are the sound of *[image of...]* bulldozers coming to pave over those woods. And belch some *filthy* diesel fumes into the atmosphere.

**Todd:** But if I had to guess, the meat thing is a leftover from that whole rootsy concept, because *[image of...]* barbecue seems to come up, like, more than once.

> *Video for "Sauce"*
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> **Justin:** Ooh, sauce
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> Uh, you got all of it, go 'head
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> Ooh, sauce
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**Todd:** Yeah, the whole album's like he tried to reverse engineer bro country. Like, the parts are all different, but yeah the effect's pretty much the same.

> **Justin:** This ain't the cleeeeeean version
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**Todd (VO):** And, finally, one last thing. I hate, *hate*, *haaate* that thing artists do nowadays where...

**Todd:**...they yelp at the end of the line like they just got kicked in the balls.

> **Justin:**Meeeeaaan serv*in'*
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> *Clip of Maroon 5 - "Maps"*
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> **Adam Levine:** The map that leads to y*ou*
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> *Clip of Fifth Harmony - "Worth It"*
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> **Dinah Jane:** Just give me you, just give me *you*
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> *Clip of Imagine Dragons - "Thunder"*
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> **Dan Reynolds:** Thunder
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> **Chipmunk vocal:** Thunder, thunder
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**Todd (VO):** It's the most annoying thing in the world. I'd rather have will.i.am back than that.

**Todd:** Course he was the one who probably came up with it.

> **Justin:** Baby, don't you mind if I do, yeah
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> Exactly what you like times two, yeah
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*Todd just sulks at his piano while the song plays*

> **Justin:** Ooh, ooh
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> So baby, don't you mind...
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**Todd:** ...OK, nitpicks aside, my main thought is that...maybe this song could use, like, a hook...or a chorus of some kind.

**Todd (VO):** Course I also thought that about *[clip of...]* "SexyBack" so, what do I know?

> **Timbaland:** Take it to the chorus!
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**Todd (VO):** What chorus? There's no chorus, you lying song.

**Todd:** And, umm...does anyone else think that the concept for this video looks familiar?

> *Young Frankenstein's "Puttin' On the Ritz" scene plays over the video*
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> **Dr.** **Frankenstein (Gene Wilder):** If you're blue and you don't know where to go to
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> Why don't you go where fashion sits
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> **Monster (Peter Boyle):** *[screams]* Puttin' on the Ritz!
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> *Back to "Filthy" video*
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> **Justin:** And what you gonna do with all that beast
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**Todd (VO):** Good God, this song is going back in time to erase...

**Todd:** ...every spec of cool he ever had.

> *Image of corny disco dude with Justin's face pasted over disco dude's head*
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> **Justin:** Long as I got my suit and tie
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> *Clip of "Filthy"*
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> **Justin:** If you know what's good (If you know what's good)
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**Todd (VO):** You know, I referenced "My Humps" earlier, but the song that it actually reminds me most of is *[clip of...]* "Boom Boom Pow." Just a bunch of half-baked song fragments and random sound effects that sound *vaguely* like hype.

**Todd:** It-it's just obnoxious. I really think this is a career-ender for JT.

**Todd (VO):** That's not like a concrete prediction or anything, but it wouldn't surprise me. 'Cause it's, uhh...

> **Justin:** So baby, don't you...mind if I do
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> Exactly what you...like times two
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**Todd (VO):** Oh, goddamnit!

**Todd:** Sorry, my computer's loaded down viruses or something *[gets up and leaves]*.

> **Justin:** Baby, don't you...mind if I do
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**Todd:** *[offscreen; sighs]* Sometimes the audio feedback starts stuttering and grinding like this. I need to do, like, a full system restore or, like, buy some new equipment. I just...

> **Justin:** Six in the morning (Six in the morning)
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**Todd (VO):** What program is slowing everything down? Or what do I have to close? Come on!

> **Justin:** So put your filthy hands all over me
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**Todd (VO):** Oh! Oh, never mind.

**Todd:** *[sits back down]* It's uhh...it's just the actual song.

**Todd (VO):** Uh, I don't know what they were going for, but what you're hearing is, like, the acoustic metaphor for this song's entire concept glitching and failing as everyone realizes this was a bad idea. Yeah, "Filthy" was right 'cause this song sounds like *[picture of...]* hot garbage.

> **Justin:** Haters gon' say it's fake
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**Todd (VO):** You wish, Justin. Yeah, if you're lucky everyone *will* think this is fake. 'Cause believe me; nothing would be better for your career than if you can convince everyone that this isn't you.

**Todd:** Fake news!

> **Justin:** Put your filthy hands all over me
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**Todd:** How about no! And wash your goddamn hands!

> *Video ends*
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*Closing Tag Song: "Through Being Cool" - Devo*

***THE END***

**"Filthy" is owned by RCA Records**

**This video is owned by me**

***THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!***