Beauty and the Weed Puller

***Shrek's Twisted Faerie Tales: Beauty and the Weed Puller***

"Shrek! Shrek!" cried Donkey bashing through the door.

"Look I gotta run to the local market place for a bit. Would you mind watching my kids for today?"

"Uh..."

"Great! Thank you so much Shrek I know I can count on you!"

Donkey quickly slammed the door, leaving Shrek to wait in anticipation for the swarm of Dronkeys. Five seconds went by, and as soon as Shrek expected, the Dronkeys broke into his house, flying all over him. Breathing fire, knocking over his pots and hars, even biting the poor ogre, the mutants didn't stop for a good two minutes. It wasn't until Shrek whipped out his mush made out of swamp juice and bug organs when they calmed down. Afterwards the Dronkeys took a nap on the floor, leading Shrek to find easier solutions to this dilemma of his. Fiona was away with her mother and he ogre triplets, Puss went on yet another adventure in the desert, and the fairy tale creatures were currently being held captive at an amusement park. With all of his friends and family out of the question, he only had a few acquaintances to possibly talk to.

His best bet was hiring his good friend Alice, a young babysitter well renowned for her interactions with children. Shrek had no choice but to hire her if he were to properly take care of them; unfortunately Alice was visiting her family in London, so she put her position on hold for the time being. Sadly, others were out of comission as well, with Shrek's only other option being Peter Pan. However after what happened with the triplets, he thought that it was best not to call the boy who wouldn't grow up to watch the Dronkeys. Stuck with no other ideas, he searched high and low for anything that would help the little monsters not only calm down, but have fun with their surrogate uncle. Luckily for Shrek, he found a book that he wrote several years ago. Back when Shrek used to live alone, he would collect fairy tales and read them. Often he would make fun of them, and since he used most of them for cleaning his messes, he wasn't able to keep them. His only method of making the stories survive; create his own.

Shrek had been twisting these famous stories for as long as he could remember. Self-proclaimed classics like "Sleeping Ugly", "Blood Red", "Pistachio", and "An Un-fairy Princess" were his most proud writings. But one story in particular was perfect for the occasion, "Beauty and the Weed Puller". A love story that Shrek wrote as a means of challenging himself, creating a crude comedy while still making it a real romance. Having balanced his snarky behavior with his gentle side, he felt like it was time to revisit this treasure. The Dronkeys woke up, and Shrek was ready to tell them this story of love, torment, and lots and lots of weeds; including a talking weed!

"Alrighty, uncle Shrek is going to read you a faerie tale! Let's gather round my little mutants." said Shrek, feeling surprisingly ecstatic. It had been a while since he read this story, so reviving it filled him with much needed joy.

"This story is called *Beauty and the Weed Puller*, and I wrote it myself."

Opening the book, he began to tell the story.

"Once upon a time, in a farm not too far from this swamp...", Shrek said.

**(What'll proceed is what was written by the ogre)**

A young, lonely peasant was pulling weeds in his backyard. All he ever did was pull weeds of every kind, from the small sticks to the giant poisonous stems. No one knew how he survived pulling them out, but he just kept on going anyway. One day while doing his job, he heard a faint voice humming a beautiful tune. It was a foreign girl from Sweden, with dark brown hair and a rockin' bod. The weed puller was amazed at what he saw, a beauty like no other. Of course no girl wants to talk to a man that only does gardening; or any peasant profession for that matter. Desperate to talk to her, the weed puller tried to get her attention by throwing rocks near her. Since he wasn't exactly the best and throwing objects, he hit her in the head. While it wasn't a hard throw, he did damage her scalp a bit. Nothing too major.

Irritated, the foreign girl asked what his deal was. The timid man said nothing, and vanished without a trace. Luckily for the lad, the girl somehow liked his strange behavior. He didn't grasp this though, and cried like a baby throughout the rest of the day. For once he didn't even go out to his yard to pull out the rest of the weeds. Later that night, rain began to pour all over the weed puller's garden, causing the weeds to grow larger than before. Yet one weed in particular grew to abnormal size, being as tall as a fully grown human. The next morning, the man went to the yard to pull the weeds, only to find the giant weed sticking out of the ground. Of course he came prepared for large plants, so he took out giant pliers and a shovel; but then the weed started talking.

"Don't kill me just yet!" cried the the talking weed. "I am a magical weed who can give what your heart desires."

"What do you know about my heart's desire?" asked the man.

The weed smiled, leaning towards him with its salad-smelling breathe. "You wish to talk to the girl next door"

The man was in shock, frantically asking how the weed knew about his personal life. Turns out the weed was in the yard for a while, slowly growing bigger and bigger. It examined all of his actions, and offered to let him talk to the girl on one conidtion. All of the weeds would live, and the man would marry his love. Reluctant, he agreed to the weed's conditions, and soon enough, the Swedish girl was dragged into the yard by the roots of the weed. Throughout the remainder of the day, both of them were talking about their pathetic lives. The girl herself was also a farmer, who specialized in pulling turnips and radishes. Neither of them were special, but had wonderfully attractive features. But in a shocking turn of events, their bland interest in gardening made them grow closer.

After several days of talking and working in their yards, both the weed puller and foreign girl fell in love. Their spark came quicker than expected, as the weed didn't think they were going to even talk past their initial meet up. The plant only wanted to let its roots grow larger by creating a distraction for the man. Angered, the weed did its best to cover their yards with unwanted plants and deadly flowers. An overwhelming scent that was really nice, but was about to spread beyond the home of the lovers. "We had a deal young man, and you're gonna live with it!", thought the weed. So it did its magic, causing a huge swarm of weeds to rise in nearby farms. Both the lovers caught on to what had happened, deciding to fight back. Right after the Swedish girl yelled at the weed puller about what he did to cause it to happen.

It was difficult to forgive the man, since he could've just talked to her without making business with a shady creature. She ended up giving him another chance, so long as the weed was to be killed. What proceeded was a final showdown between the weed and the weed puller; applied with thorn maces and giant axes respecitvely. Both ended with incredible injuries, and only one was going to die. With all his might, the man lodged the axe into the root of the weed, causing the plant to fall right down. To finish the work, he got his shovel and dug out the large stump left over. And just like that, it was over. The weeds suddenly died, and every peasant dug them out with absolutely no effort. Now back in their peaceful lives, both the foreign girl and weed puller got married and lived happily ever after.

**(Back to Shrek's home)**

Shrek closed the book, and the Dronkeys applauded the story. The ogre was happy to see such a reaction, especially from such young creatures. Before he could read another story, Donkey barged into the house, ready to pick up the kids. This annoyed Shrek yet again, since he was getting a good rush of nostalgia from these writings. Perhaps he'll get another chance. After all, he did have an urge to retell his "Pistachio" story..

The End