237: "YoU'vE CoNviNcEd mE"

## Summary

The Very Virile Badger, now encased in an impenetrable orb, begins spawning vicious badgers at an alarming rate and the party have to find increasingly creative ways to dodge a maelstrom of teeth and claws. They begin puzzling over three mysterious crystals, and when they eventually work out how to destroy them, the Very Virile Badger's protective dome is removed and Raphina's *Spiritual Guardians* kill him. With the spawning halted, the Very Virile Badger is suddenly resurrected, and he gifts the group some badger meat and suggests they seek out his old hunting partner, the Captivating Coyote, who knows of a holy weapon they can use.

## Synopsis

*"The spawning, it begins!""* After the Very Virile Badger's announcement, Will, dressed in his business suit, feels even more acutely that he is not dressed appropriately for adventuring. An 11-foot glowing orange dome encases the Very Virile Badger and a loud humming begins droning through the air, making it very hard to hear. Then, all of a sudden, asynchronous popping sounds begin to accompany the spontaneous appearance of small, ravenous badgers all around the cavern and in amongst the party. Then a few seconds later, some more badgers spring into existence. And again, some more a few seconds after that. Will shouts *"Disgusting!"*

The badgers' claws and teeth look vicious and the party quickly realise that they'll need to avoid getting badly hurt. Still hunched over, Gwen's instinct is to cast *Flamestrike*, but she's concerned about collapsing the whole lair. Batthwack charges at the dome, readying his *Eldritch Blast* and unleashing a booming yell at the badgers, who all scatter out of the way. His blasts ricochet off the dome, and fly helter skelter all over the cavern, thudding into the earthen walls, one of them exploding a badger. *"I think we need a badger flute!"* he calls out. Gwen roars at the badgers, sending them skittering away from her. She points at the Very Virile Badger, the sound of a dolorous bell and the smell of sugar-roasted pecans emanating from her as she casts *Toll the Dead* on him, but the Badger seems unaffected. Mo runs up shouting *"I stab, I stab! I kill god like he tell me to!"* ducking and diving out of the way of the badgers and managing to only take a few scratches from them. He hammers his serrated dagger at the dome, but each blow just tinks off of it. *"It not working!"* he shouts.

Raphina chugs some of her badger tea before sprinkling the rest of it around her, hoping that the scent will confuse the badgers into thinking she's one of them. It seems to have the desired effect at least partially, so she is able to cast *"Speak with Animals"* and immediately hears the badgers aggressively shouting *"We want to kill you! Eat you! We are hungry! We are young! We are growing! We will eat you!"* This is not appropriate behaviour for young badgers in Raphina's eyes. *"One, two, three, eyes on me!"* she shouts and all of them turn to look at her. She asks them how to break through the orange barrier, but the badgers just say *"I do now know! You will die!"* She turns her attention to the Very Virile Badger, but he does not respond.

Hoping to draw the attention of the badgers away from the party members, Will casts *Major Image* and creates the carcass of an injured horse, making sure it smells appetising. He stealthily slips backwards into the shadows to avoid being attacked as more and more badgers continue to pop into existence.

   Suddenly a loud bang echoes around the lair and three glowing crystals crash into existence at three different points in the chamber. They're large, around three-feet across, and sticking up out of the earthen floor. Closest to them is a red/orange gem, with what appears to be flames licking up the inside of it. The other two are a yellow/white crystal, glowing very brightly and a sickly green-colour crystal. Gwen reaches out and taps the red crystal with her claw. It's solid and she can feel heat radiating from it. An idea flashes across Gwen's brain about the Badger's orb and she looks at Batthwack, saying *"Do you trust me?"* He replies *"Yes"* and she barrels over to him, barging badgers out of the way. She grabs Batthwack's arm and casts *Dimension Door* to arrive *inside* the Very Virile Badger, but as they try to step through the portal, a jolt of pain hits them as they are blocked by a powerful force. Batthwack turns and tries to pick up the red gem, but it absolutely will not budge. He swings his sword and strikes the crystal, but the blade just tinks off the surface, having had absolutely no effect whatsoever. The crystal continues radiating it's fiery heat. As badgers converge on him, Batthwack leaps out of the way, skirting around the crystal to put it between him and the creatures.

Taking advantage of the fact the badgers are still distracted near the dead horse, Mo acrobatically dodges round them to make another attack on the Badger's orange dome, and Will calls out *"Mo, I don't think you can stab the badger!"*, but his warning falls on deaf ears and Mo's knife cannot pierce it. Raphina cartwheels out of the badgers' way, pulling out her holy symbol and casting *Spirit Guardians*, calling forth the spirits to protect her. They appear like large, hairy, orange monsters which Raphina hopes will not only protect the party from the vicious new-born badgers, but also hug the Very Virile Badger into a gentle death. However, the hug monsters also cannot penetrate the orb.

Will suspects a connection between the red and yellow crystals and the orange dome, and wonders if the green one could be some sort of antidote. He dodges badgers by feinting in the wrong direction and casts *Dimension Door* (which looks like actual wooden door with intricate carvings of an event from his life), arriving at the green crystal. At this closer vantage point, he becomes aware of a noxious odour emanating from the crystal, which reminds Will of a poison he once used to kill somebody.

Badgers continue to pop into existence around them as Gwen has another flash of inspiration, to try her fiery breath on the red gem. Suddenly the smell of cinnamon is overpowering in the cavern as a huge jet of flame explodes out of her mouth. Several badgers are incinerated as the flames wrap around the glowing crystal, which suddenly cracks and explodes. The light of the orange orb around the Very Virile Badger seems to diminish a bit and noticing this, Gwen moves off towards another crystal, coaxing the badgers into looking the other way while she slips through.

The penny drops following Gwen's success with the red crystal and Batthwack sprints over to the yellow and white crystal, momentarily gobsmacking the badgers with a sleight of hand trick in which he appears to pull his thumb off. Gwen is really impressed and Mo begins scrabbling around on the floor, looking for Batthwack's lost digit. This corner of the chamber is completely illuminated by the crystal. It's almost like the sun itself is shining out from within it. Batthwack pulls out a spear and casts *Branding Smite* on it, hurling it at the crystal. It hurtles through the air, crashes into the crystal and a bright blinding flash blinds them momentarily (particularly Batthwack who's wearing his *Robe of Eyes*). When their sight returns, they can see that the crystal is no more. Just as before, the orange orb fades some more.

Mo can tell that the others seem to have solved the puzzle of the crystals, but he's not quite there yet himself. He shouts *"What do I do?!"* *"Poison! Something gross! Poison! Poison!"* Will shouts back. Mo calls back *"Something gross! Poison! OK!"* and begins running around in a circle, dexterously jumping out of the badgers' way. Will tells Mo to come over and help kill badgers. Still wondering about the nagging memory of a poison he once used, Will is reminded of the nauseating bottle of ink he recovered from the coffin maker's shop and begins rummages through his bag for it, while kicking his legs and swiping his glowing billy club at the badgers to keep them at bay. He pulls the bottle out and gingerly begins to pour the ink over the green crystal, the very sight of which makes him feel ill. He's trying not to look, but is able to catch a glimpse of the ink beginning to eat into the crystal. Eventually, with the last drop poured, Will steps back and throws the bottle at the crystal, just in time to start throwing up as the final crystal shatters.

The orange orb completely melts away, physically dissolving down around the Very Virile Badger. Those badgers unfortunate enough to be beneath it, immediately begin squealing in pain as the molten orange substance eats into their flesh. The Very Virile Badger is revealed to the room, he's panting heavily and his eyes are rolled back into his head. Raphina directs her spirit guardians to go and hug the badger and, casts *Spiritual Weapon* to create a giant loud hailer, which she uses to broadcast a loud dirge played on a mouth harp, hoping to lull the badger to sleep/death. Everyone claps their hands over their ears at the awful sound and blood starts pouring out of the Badger's ears as he begins to shake and quiver. Raphina's guardians hug him, blood pours out of his mouth and he slumps down on the ground as the music fades.

There is a sudden shift in the mood as the popping sound stops and all the badgers freeze in unison. Then suddenly the Very Virile Badger stirs and gets back up to his feet, saying *"Thank you! The spawning has been stopped. It took a little longer than I might have hoped. There might be more badgers out there in the world than people are used to."* Gwen offers to *Flame Strike* them if needed. *"You need meat, correct?"* asks the Badger and reaching down, slashes the throat of a badger motionless on the ground in front of him and bats it towards Raphina. They thank him. *"Go! And leave me!"* He seems very tired. Gwen asks him if he's going to OK and the badger reassures them that he'll be fine. Continuing to show their gratitude, the party begin to make their way out.

Just before he leaves, Batthwack turns back and approaches the badger, asking *"What do you see when you look at me?"* *"I see a dragonborn. You seem small. You seem holy"* he replies. Batthwack seems relieved to hear this, thanks him and steps away as reverently as possible. Raphina and Gwen urge him to ask the badger to help make him tall again. He does, but the badger says he cannot help. He asks them to leave again, saying he needs to rest.

As they're heading back to the tunnel, the Very Virile Badger calls out *"Wait! I was being ungrateful. You did manage to stop the spawning for me. For that I am thankful. You are going to Beartoggle, no? Seek out my old hunting partner, the Captivating Coyote. He dens south of the city. My progeny have told me he knows of a holy weapon peerless in this world."* His eyes roll over to Batthwack. *"Looks like something you could use. Though from what I hear, it might be a little big for you."* The badger closes his eyes. Despite the slight, Batthwack remains polite and thanks him.

The party make their way back up the tunnel, out through the opening, and back into the outside world, where the sun is starting to go down.

## Quotes

* Alex/Batthwack: *"Badger, I was cursed with luck by a leprechaun. Can you undo that?"* Eric/Very Virile Badger: *"I just birthed all the badgers in the world for a whole year... "* [He pauses] *"Also, no."*

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Eric, who used the phrase multiple times throughout the episode, whenever the players were coming up with their reasons for their chosen skill check to avoid badger damage. For example, Alex: *"I'm going to sprint through the dying horse aura and the hugging aura as close as I can to the yellow crystal. And then I'm going to hold up my hand and show the badgers that I can pull my thumb off. Sleight of hand!"* Eric (pauses dramatically): *"You've convinced me."*
* KT, confused by the map, made reference to the opening monologue from the Lord of the Rings movies, saying *"But we were deceived for there was another badger."* Abby spotted the reference, the original line being *"But they were, all of them, deceived, for another Ring was made."*
* Regarding the poom belt Eric was so taken by, Wikipedia says *"The Kukkiwon/WT-style of Taekwondo recognizes a "poom" rank for practitioners under the age of 15: these practitioners have passed dan-level tests but will not receive dan-level rank until age 15. At age 15, their poom rank is considered to transition to equivalent dan rank automatically."* See Taekwondo on Wikipedia.
* The Vitruvian Man on Wikipedia.
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: incomparable.

## References

1. ↑ See episode 236: I've Met Fate Many Time!
2. ↑ See Gossamer on Wikipedia
3. ↑ See episode 32: Love, The BMG