Simping

***Simping*** is a type of wallpaper invented by a mate in late 2020 shortly before the Extinction Meteor hit the Earth. This page is a sequel to Dark Mode, so if you haven't seen that, read it all in its entirety, print it off, eat it on toast and then become one with the page, before you move onto this one. Capische?

## What is Simping

SIMPING. Simping is pretty cringe I a not going to lie. the action of simpin refers to when a man shows any sort of affection to a woman. GROSS, AMIRITE? Well anyways if you show them even the slightest bit of courtes or respect, I hate to break it to you, but in the words of my good mate Bradley,

> You're a massive f\*cklng simp.
>
>

(Sorry I had to censor it, dumb FlLTERB0TS are pickin' up everything we saying. The New World Order, The Surveillance Age: whatever you wanna call it, it's upon us and it is happening every minute of every day. W3 h4ve t0 t4ke care so we can overthrow th cameras and reclaim society for our own! We actually have a meet scheduled for next Thursday, the 2nd, if you can make it, at the local Subway. But anyways, I need not to go off on a tangent but instead get back to the troubling topic a hand: simping.

### WTF

Imagine having female friends. Yeah, imagine it. No, seriously, stop for one moment, close your eyes, and just imagine having female friends. Well, matey, if you just followed those instructions and imagined that, I hate to break it to you, but you are a massivesimp. Simps were invented in the year 69 BC by God after he was simping on this chick named Mary or something like that and dreamed of making a family with her but he was such a massive simp that he instead just paid for some cooler dude to be her boyfriend and have his child with her. But he is nothing compared to the simps of today: nowadays we have men who HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR GIRLS. Need I say any more?

Simping has take over our entire universe. People on other planets have been founded to be simping (verified to be true by independent Arstotzkan fact-checkers at gunpoint) and that was why hey were launched out to different planets. Some people will chose to simp on girls the like, some will simp on anime girls like a friendless weeb, some will even simp on their teachers (but that is actually super weird and un-wholesme: that is right, I am looking at you Eli from my Yr6 class!)

Like if you have a crush on your teacher, man, that is so weird...because if you have a crush on a teacher, chances are that the Eller-ie-man (gotta put it like that so the filter doesn't pick it up) will have one on you...

Look, I probably wouldn't even be too annoyed about simping if it did no hit so close to home because my adopted sibling is the biggest simp you will ever see on this God-forsaken Earth. This unnamed sibling has pictures of his favourite thotty musicians up and down his walls. SIMPS ARE EVIL m8.

### Borat on Simps

Anyone who has a female friend is automatically a simp. It's just a fact. Anyone who holds the door open for a girl too. To quote Borat, one of the biggest anti-simps in the world,

> "Only man and bear allowed in car. Not girl." --Borat Sagdiyev
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>

So anyways you may be wondering why I a writing this article with such a negative viewpoint on simping. Well I have my reasons young man! It is definitely not because I do not have a girlfriend, It is definitely not because I am ten thousand pounds above my healthy weight's upper range for my height and age. Fun fact: it's also not because of my not double, but triple-chin I have, which actually blocks my entire neck out.

Imagine having female friends...God, what a simp. (I must sound very homosexual writing that but it's true. Anyone who doesn't believe in permanent gender separation when in social places is an absolute simp.

You know something else that makes a simp? Like, an absolute simp? Any man who gives a compliment to a girl. Get roasted, simps, I just degrade people. Unlike these simps, just genuinely trying to make someone feel good about themselves. HAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAA, SIIIIIIIIIIIMP!!!!! (And no I am not just saying this since I haven't been complimented by anyone in a fair while, and also because I am so very staved for female attention that I would probably become interested in some random decent looking chick if she just complimented me, and also that I cry every night as a result of this. But as I'm not like the simps that I was totally just describing, I am not a simp (glasses emoji goes here, I don't know how to get an emoji on a wiki)

Wait nevermind: because I just paid the kid sitting next to me a cool twenty cents to fix this one up for me, so take a look at this emoji-feauring infographic aout SIMPS

### 😎me who is not simp and not have any frens

**, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,, , , , , , ,, , , , ,, , ,, ,, , , , , , , v s. , , , ,, , , , , , , , , , , , ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,**

### 🤓SIMP boy who has lot of friend and gelfren and other cringy SIMP stuff like:

* being invited to parties
* going bowling
* being in group chats
* having friends and/or family
* being in possession of El Funny

See? If that didn't persuade you, I have no idea what will.

Now I am just going to go off on a tangent if that is okay with you. Is it okay with you? Well I am going to assume that you said yes so I can continue going on like this. So I need something to talk about, and I do not want to stop typing, so now I am just going to keep typing about how I am thinking of what to say.

## Why I Am Simping For The Duolingo Bird

Oh yeah mate, So anyways I learned some Italian words recently through this super epic thing called Duolingo, except I cannot tell anyone I like it and I want to protect m thirty-three day streak or they will say I am a simp for the Duolingo language bird. And I cannot have that getting out. But I am a huge simp for him. I actually created a shrine dedicated to Mr. Duo in my room.

I spend hours of each day worshipping him. I installed candles and a lot of other things, as well as posters of Duo crying (his vulnerability is just so lovely!) and other things. It is so amazing. So, in conclusion, I am not a simp, yet do have a giant poster of the Duolingo Bird up on my room. But it's not limited to the one giant A1 poster that I have displayed on my wardrobe doors: I also have a framed picture that I have above my bed, my phone cover which has a picture of him on it, the tattoo of him that I got on my lower back, my picture of him which is on my blinds and much, much more. I even have a shirt of him, which I wear a lot, and I plan on wearing to my wedding.

Haha, you have just been pranked by Scotty and the ninjas and whoever was the co-host of PRANK PATROL!

HAAAA Imagine being pranked into believing all of that? Lol what a dummy LOL (Lead-Infected Oprah Liver). You have just been pranked so hard with all of that: I'm not getting married!

### Why I am not a simp (scientifically proven!!!!111)

Which brings me back to the point that I made in Dark mode, about how I am not a simp and am one of the cool kids, and that is why I am not engaged in a relationship: rather than this being attributable to my bad looks, terrible and unlikeable personality, clingy-ness, poor academic performance, extreme procrastination, unpopular music tastes, pimples, bad hair, lanky-ness (is that a word?), lack of self-confidence, underweightness, twenty-three day Duolingo Italian streak and finally, everything else that makes me, me. And, as I said, that makes me the opposite of a simp due to my lack of relationships with the members of the other gender: therefore making me NOT A SIMP😎😎😎HAHA GET ROASTED ALL OF YOU SIMPING NERDS WITH GOOD QUALITIES. HA!

While this current state has been no bed of roses, no pleasure cruise, I consider NOT BENIG A SIMP a challenge before the whole human race: and I ain't gonna lose. And I just need to go on, and on, and on, and on, and....WEEEEEEEEEEE AREEEEEE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRENZ, AND WE'LL KEE ON FIGHTIN', 'TIL THE END, WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, NO TIME FOR LOSERS 'CAUSE WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!, OF THE WORLD!

But anyways I am going to keep writing this because I want this to be a very long page. Maybe the best page ever, in the history of our great country. And they always say, Mr. President, you've bee legendary for our Country, and our Great Wiki, and we'd just like to thank you.

But anyways, this article was not as good as Dark mode, and I am just gonna come out and admit it right here and right now. This article feels like a lousy foreign rip-off of Dark mode, and I'm not going to stand for that. From here on out, we're going to try our best to make it even slightly better or on par with the burning dumpster fire that was Dark mode.

So now I have a lot of space to use up before I hit the word limit for the page, which I genuinely want to know what it is, but they (the high-ups at Wikia) won't tell me. It's never "oh yeah mate, the page word limit is 5,000," but always the same "Why have you broken into our office? We're calling the cops!" rubbish. I would also say something more about the Wikia people but I know that the will take down this wiki if I even dare to criticise (did I misspell that?) them. So, I for one, welcome our new Wikia overlords! (Just please don't take this down, I have worked so much to make this the absolute cesspool it is, and I would definitely swallow an entire Russian village all in one gulp if they take this down). 𝒸ₐₙ'ₜ ᵦₑₗᵢₑᵥₑ ᵢ 𝓰ₒₜₜₐ ₚᵤₜ ₜₕᵢₛ ₕₑᵣₑ ᵦᵤₜ ᵢₜ ᵢₛ ₛₒ 𝒸ₗₑₐᵣₗᵧ ₐ ⱼₒₖₑ, 𝓌ᵢₖᵢₐ ₑₘₚₗₒᵧₑₑₛ ₐᵣₑ ₛₙₒ𝓌𝒻ₗₐₖₑₛ ₘᵧ 𝓰ₒₒ𝒹 ₘ₈ₛ.

*Also, I need to stop capitalising wikia, they're not out gods or our rulers or anything...unless they send in their armies and attack Arstotzka...*

What did you think of that **font** from not that line right above, but from the one above that? I thought it was pretty cool but kind of mystical and honestly pretty scary. If I were to rate it, I would give it an 8/10, minus one star because I choked on my pinky finger while reading and had to be sent to hospital where I stayed for seven days and eight nights, and minus a further one star because the font's lettering was so terrifyingly scary that I literally peed myself and had to go get changed, which was pretty annoying and a big blight on my time meeting with then-US President Donald Trump, as it interrupted the whole meeting and even the President facepalmed, and it was all on me. ;'(

Have a great day my dudes but now I am not going to sign off just yet. Because to get back to the topic at hand for this article (simping), I am going to make a list of things that makes a man a simp. I don't do any of these so I am officially not a simp and am a cool kid. So, without any further ado (except for this long and winding sentence which just serves to waste your time and energy as you spend your final moments on this Earth just reading this part of the article in parantheses, just waiting for me to finally shut up and give you the list but, oh no you didn't (wow, I must sound like a middle-aged mum who takes her kids to and from soccer practice in a big Mitsubishi SUV (oh and yes I am doing brackets in brackets, enjoy)), anyways I'll cut to the chase already after already stealing this bracketed text's time of your life.) Here it is:

### List of things that make you a simp

* Having female friends.

Who has female friends lol? That is so simpish, the concept of even having friends who are of the opposite gender....BLEUGH....me and my fellow girlfriendless #NonSimpGang members (me, myself, I, yours truly, the one and only, moi, Io and finally, ya boy), all have no friends of the opposite gender. Hey, virginity is better than being a SIMP HAAAAAAAAA get roasted haha you're gonna lose your v-card earlier than me, get absolutely roasted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111111111111111111!!!!1111!!!!11111111!!111111111 (sorry my bad but I can't be bothered to delete all of those, my finger kept slippin' off of the shift key).

* Actually, having any friends at all.

True dat. True gamer non-simps genuinely have no friends. The true friend was inside you all along: because it's you, you're your only friend at this point after you were in the official Arstotzkan Anti-Simping League for seven months and cut off all social interaction with your former mates to keep up your commitment against simping.) It may sound harsh at first--that to not be one of the SIMPS you cannot have any friends at all--but it's a fair price to pay and you'll quickly and easily get used to sitting alone and dreaming of the days when you would just be hangin' out with the boys.

* Playing fun and trendy games like Among Us or Fall Guys, rather than just being a EPIC NON-SIMP and the only videgame you play is Minecraft

I mean, like, not even joking, but I was never really a big fan of trendy games. (Whoa, who would have guessed I never played cool/trendy things?) Hell, I was like the one person who was still big on Minecraft survival back in 2017, and I have never been one to play the latest trendy game for more than a few minutes. Fall Guys, Among Us, Apex, PUBG and many more are some examples of games that were popular that I never played. Because everyone knows that to not be a simp, you can never branch out and try new things: nah mate, you just gotta stick with the same old crappy Minecraft survival world from 2018 that you don't eve enjoy anymore, the same ol' crappy, drag-you-down friend group (self-awareness? Soz m8 u know who u are), and you probably don't even smile while you're on it anymore. You just dream that you hadn't entered down this anti-simping path...*PSYCHE!* That was a loyalty test, and I hope I didn't just persuade you to leave our anti-simping movement to go out and make some social connections or anything like that: or else, we're gonna have a problem buddy.

* (even though you still play on Minecraft for like four hours each weekday and many more hours each day of the weekend)

*As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain*

*I take a look at my* wooden house and I realise it's very plain

'Cause I've been minin' and craftin' so long that

Even my mama thinks that my mind is gone

But I ain't never PvP'd a ma who ain't deserve it

Me be treated like a spelunk, yanno, that's unheard of

You better watch what you sending, or your sword with Mendin'

Or you and your teammates will have your inventories dropp'd

I really hate to craft freehand, but I gotta yo

As the campfires smoke, I see myself in the

* Giving any female a genuine compliment to try and improve their day

Who actually gives people, especially girls, genuine compliments about their actions, attitudes, achievements or appearances? CRINGE AF. Everybody knows that this sort of "day betterment" and "being a nice human being" is just a weapon used by the Simps to try and do whatever it actually is that Simps do: I'm not really sure, as I have fled deep into the unexplored Australian countryside, where I have lived for the last ten years, hunting my own food, living my own life, not bothering to work a day job or go to school, just because of this disconnect from society I have. All non-simps should join me out here, three thousand kilometres eastward of any human civilisations.

* Ever sitting next to a girl (cringe)

Lol who does this. If you do this EVEN ONCE IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, whether it be in a boring Friday maths class, a mundane meeting at the Melbourne office of Mac & Mates Mousetraps and Maize-Miners, Michigan Incorporated or even at a outstanding, overjoying open-casket funky funeral Saturday service, if you plop down onto a sea next to someone of the opposite gender for even a fraction of a second, you are, my friend, immediately: A SIMP. And I hate to say it, but this cannot be taken away frm you: you do it once unknowingly in middle school, and it'll stick with you forever.*Sidenote: I must sound like every 3rd-grade boy being all "eww cooties"*

* One more dot point

I could have sworn that I knew what I was going to write about for this dot point, I was so dead sure that I was just going to write and write and ramble on about it for a long time. I also remember that it was really good, my sources tell me, even though I have since completely forgotten what it was!

## Okay, so I forgot what I was talking about so I'll start a new section

The heading above should clear up any doubts you may have about this section. Just saying, that this section is going to be very small because I used up most of my effort whinging and moaning earlier on, and now I'm out of energy and crappy jokes, so whaddaya say we swap things around?

Well, I have got to go to bed now guys. Mum has told me to brush my teeth but I know that getting a tan on your skin is fashionable to make it a bit darker and so you can be less white-as-sour-cream, so I'll just let my teeth keep getting darker. It's a win! So anyways, I will now be swapping out with a mate from Arstotzka so that you all can continue to be serviced by the absolute rubbish that is this article by me while I sleep, so let's do this.

### My Russian *Comrade* Gives His Perspective on "Simping"

Hello. My name-a Vyachheslav Fyodorovych, I am man from Arstotzka Nation and I am gladdened to be of service for make benefit the glorious Arstotzka Wiki page of 'Sempeng'. So anyway I not have much experienced on topic, but I try my bestest, yes? Is that what you Yankee mans say of life? Well none-less I must write greatest page of wiki ever to bring glory to my peoples and my country. So now I must begin to scribble out entry for allow me to check article name again. Simping? What is 'simp-in-g'? Maybe if sound out, will make easy understandable, yes? Zee-mmp-enneg...no, not help to sound word out...oh man, I am truly freak out-ing now...what shall do?

So I complete great search through the google for 'cempen' and it come back with big result, very beautiful, of lady with extremely large nose , which I genuine like very much-o. By way, I am not write directly, I am pay translator to write out note for me base on exact saying of mine. It seeming to go very well, he keep on joking that he could change my word to sound better of the Englandish tongue but I am speaking perfect. So anyway to get back to main point--wait, what, why are you telling me my English is of the bad? My English is perfect, and if you not want lose your job Mister Translator-man, you will be taken away and will not be receive one cent for services. Capische?

Yes, okay, we shall start my actual article now, please do not tell me you have been note-taking all of my speech of before. Wait, you are been write notes of my saying since start? Man, come on, I must get new translator! Yes, you will not be moneyed unless we have good thing writed on page of simping.

So anyway to get back to main point of before time, what is the simping? The simping is, to best of my knowledge, is the action by which a man is obsess with girl for no apparent reason or he place too much cadence on six of ten lady while at the same time forget to listen to enough of his Weird Al musical songs (if you not know Al, he is current holder of The Funny). Simping is very sad and can destroy man's relationship with bear, dog or even mate (but not in animal Nation Geography Magazine way, I mean like as in friend of mine).

Simping was invent in America in the early nineteen century, by man by name of Gorge Washington, Gorge was good man who do many good thing but also started sell simping potion which make man into simp, he use his potion to rise to top of America army to lead country through War for Independents against The Englandish in the 1776 year of calendars. Gorge make many good thing occur, but Gorge also make simp invention after he simp on lady by name of Miss Brockett who was live at time (she estimate to be current seven hundred year of age, was there in all we see on the Horrible History showgram, yes?)

Simp not good as simp mean man spend less time with *Boys, The* and more time with random girl who likely not even like back, do favour for girl and even do thing man should not do for lady in my culture like let ride inside car, you know? I want to show most accurate represent of simp, so I will show my embarassment son by name of Dmitry Fyodorovych, he is not one to be cool, instead he one to be simp, simp boy not cool, he alway do the cringe to simp for lady by thing like hold door open for them, he may have Slavic grill-friend but I am not simp, simp is enemy of the baby Jesus, we all know.

All I am say is that simp is bad and you not want to be a simp, my son a disappointmen because-a simping on your queen, Mrs. Elizabeth II: Electrical Boogaloo, because he a massive-a simp-a, we not like a simp in a my house a hold, not good. I hope that you childs do not turned out like my disappointment simp son: he had even do terrible thing like offer girl mint or give compliment on appearance??? In the faraway tongue of Italian, "molto male", or bad of the very in English, I hear'd., you see?

Simps do be cast into the hellscapes of the Earth planet, which can not be very good, not at all, I must say.

Oh, wait, my time write is finalmente over? Oh, finally, thank the Lord...that was hard, but I think did great job, inform viewers of article and we have fun-time, yes? Okay, goodbye my new amigos, I will see you all later when randomly show up at Christmas Day celebrates, because we friends now, no? Yeah, no kid with me, we bess of mate now. See you later ally gater!

Once again, I would live to give my eternal thanks to my good mate and friend Vyacheslav Fyodorovych, a good mate, regular contributor and even better bear-hunting buddy! He's been keeping you all entertained with more convoluted, poorly-formatted rubbish while I slept for the night so I could properly function to wrie even *worse* wiki content in the morn. So, after my thirty-nine minutes of sleep, I am ready to continue ranting on this page about random stuff adtyping ver fast to achieve this page the title of the longest page on the Wiki.

Now, anyways, that page has over 100,000 characters (characters meaning any letter, space, symbol, piece of code or anything like that). This one has only, I think 20,000 or so at the time that I write, so clearly I have a bit more to write. But after I only got that much sleep...I think I just need a rest y'know, so I can ~~dream about having friends and/or family~~, sorry, I meant, be an anti-simping fighter. I'll see you all in the morning.