Coupdemain Magazine

## Interview #1

Anyone that identifies as a womxn can relate to a lifetime of being told to calm down, having all of your opinions trivialised and invalidated, and an endless stream of unsolicited advice to stop being so emotional. We are taught that anger is an unattractive and negative emotion, that rage is not ladylike, and that it is shameful to express any kind of negative feeling that demands the attention of others to focus on your own needs. And all while being encouraged to smile more, women are expected to carry the thankless full brunt of emotional labour in every kind of relationship - be it in the workplace, romantic, or at home - in order to maintain a likeable facade of being not only competent and respectable, but also kind and empathetic.

From a young age, girls strain under the weight of dreading being labelled a 'difficult woman' one day, fear that acting like a boss will result in being called out as 'bossy', and shrink ourselves to fit the smallest of small spaces to better accommodate the egos of men. These ingrained gender roles and repression of feelings as weakness, limit any unorthodox exploration of identity or self-expression. Society forgives anger in men but condemns angry women as irrational and hard to please. Men requesting change are praised for their strength and credibility, but when women fight for their basic human rights they are discounted as grudge-bearing and bitter. And when you're endlessly discouraged from speaking out, life can feel like a lonely misunderstood existence narrated by your own worst enemy: yourself.

It's in this bed of double-standards, emotional ignorance, and tall poppy syndrome that 20-year-old Bea Kristi blooms, freeing herself from the shackles of social niceties with her debut album as Beabadoobee: *'Fake It Flowers'.* Unapologetically singing on lead single *'Care'* that, *"I don’t want your sympathy,"* Kristi tends to herself, nurtures herself, and unflinchingly spotlights her own pain, culminating in the understanding that identifying one's own trauma can be an empowering experience if you refuse to let it own you. Always-bravely-compassionate; these are some of the A-B-C's of Beabadoobee, who entertains distant dreams of ultimately becoming a nursery teacher, and can be affectionate, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, but also resolutely combative when the need arises. Refusing to be a victim, or tamed, and with a kindred spirit in literary heroine Jo March of *'Little Women'* (who once confided that, *"I get so savage, I could hurt anyone and enjoy it,"*), Kristi embraces a rollercoaster of adolescent angst across the entirety of *'Fake It Flowers'* and its accompanying visuals, reflecting not only on the pain caused unto her, but also the pain she has inflicted upon others. It's normal to feel uneasy about your own emotional depths, but when you challenge the submissiveness learned in childhood, you will find that there is a comforting warmth to be unearthed in the expression of feelings such as anger. As celebrated poet Maya Angelou told comedian Dave Chappelle during a discussion for a 2006 documentary: *"You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it."*

Born in the Philippines, and transplanted to London when she was three (with her parents who are now both NHS workers), Kristi felt alienated growing up as one of the few Asians at an all-girls Catholic school, turning to songwriting as a creative release at the age of seventeen after her father bought her a second-hand guitar. Debut single, *'Coffee'* - written for boyfriend and visual collaborator Soren Harrison (co-director of all Beabadoobee music videos as half of bedroom) whom she first met at fifteen - is not only one diary entry in a growing library of songs that have accumulated 900 million streams to date across all streaming platforms, but also the main hook of Powfu's viral single *'Death Bed (Coffee For Your Head)'* which boasts an insane 745 million plays on Spotify alone. But back in 2017, Kristi's home-made *'Lice'* EP (recorded with labelmate Oscar Lang before signing to Dirty Hit) followed a cover of Karen O's *'The Moon Song'*, and a trio of EPs (2018's *'Patched Up'*, then last year's *'Loveworm'* and *'Space Cadet'*), before deciding to crank it up to eleven on *'Fake It Flowers'* and step up her headbanging with a grungier direction. *"I hope it makes you feel like a badass fucking bitch,"* she says gleefully, thriving in the safe space that her music has fostered.

Society has constructed a narrative that teenage girls are worthless, superficial, and hysterical, but in Kristi, her fans finally see a wholehearted reflection of themselves - a confidante who is nuanced, and just as likely to proclaim proudly that One Direction were one of the very first concerts she went to, as she is to reminisce over freaking out while getting to meet her hero, Pavement frontman Stephen Malkmus (*"That was a crazy experience!"* she recalls breathlessly). Kristi playlists Hilary Duff and Hannah Montana songs alongside the likes of Liz Phair and Veruca Salt, and is equally happy dressing up as a Disney princess, as she is to discuss the virtues of critically acclaimed films *'Brazil'* or*'Submarine'.* Through the Beabadoobee support system that she has cultivated, Kristi champions female friendships (*'She Plays Bass'* is the musical equivalent of a friendship bracelet for bandmate, Eliana Sewell) and continues to pen relatable anthems, with *'Fake It Flowers'* only the latest chapter, thus far, in three years of showing up for her fans (*"I know we would all be the bestest friends, and I dream one day we can get a really big room and dance to the whole of 'Fake It Flowers' together and have a cute sleepover,"* she says wistfully).

Like how 2001 cult classic film *'Josie and The Pussycats'* presented girls a universe where they were rewarded for their ambitions (and motivated by more than wanting to look their best to impress a boy), Kristi too, knows that girls just want to rock out with their friends. And to have fun! And sometimes talk to their crush. But also: pay equity, an overthrow of the patriarchy, climate change to be addressed urgently, and mental health problems to be destigmatised by society. And yet, teenage girls and the power they wield continue to be underestimated. As Harry Styles (who once sold 70 million records worldwide with One Direction) told Cameron Crowe in a 2017 interview for Rolling Stone magazine: *"Who’s to say that young girls who like pop music – short for popular, right? – have worse musical taste than a 30-year-old hipster guy? That’s not up to you to say. Music is something that’s always changing. There’s no goal posts. Young girls like the Beatles. You gonna tell me they’re not serious? How can you say young girls don’t get it? They’re our future. Our future doctors, lawyers, mothers, presidents, they kind of keep the world going. Teenage-girl fans – they don’t lie. If they like you, they’re there. They don’t act 'too cool'. They like you, and they tell you. Which is sick."* So believe in Kristi, and your younger sister, or young female colleague, or the random teenage girl standing in front of you in line at the supermarket. They are the future. And they're only getting started.

***COUP DE MAIN: Your album opens with 'Care', which calls out the lack of empathy in society and the tendency of people to offer meaningless sympathy. Why did you want that to be the opening statement of your album?***

'*BEABADOOBEE: **I think it kind of sums up the general vibe of*** **'Fake It Flowers' *and the idea that all the songs on this album are honest and genuine, but not me trying to ask for pity and not self-pitying. And I'm not asking for help. It's about listening to me and my problems... Listen to them. And I feel like* 'Care** really represented that, especially in my life, and within this world of *'Fake It Flowers'.*

***CDM: Do you think it should be taught in school, how to practice empathy for others and what the difference between sympathy and empathy is?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Definitely, I feel like it would help a lot with mental health issues, and I think it would make people understand individuals more who suffer with depression and anxiety. I go to therapy every week and I'm still coming to terms with things that happened to me in my childhood and how that has affected me as a young woman today, and it's really hard explaining that to other people because you don't want them to feel sorry for you. You just want an understanding of that process of getting over things, and the understanding that that is part of who you are. I remember doing Mental Health Awareness Week in school, and I feel like that should just be put into the syllabus. It's just another thing to think about.

***CDM: Yeah, and it feels like a lot of people were never taught how to be a good listener.***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Mmn-hmm. Exactly. It's talking about your problems, and being able to share that with others so you don't keep it inside yourself, and finding other ways to express them. I feel like the other side is ignored.

***CDM: Your song 'Worth It' confesses to infidelity, which is a very stark contrast to the loved up sentiments of 'Horen Sarrison' and 'Yoshimi, Forest, Magdalene'. Was it important to you to show all kinds of feelings on your album; both the good and also the ugly?***

'*BEABADOOBEE: **Yeah, I think that's just all a part of being honest, and it helps me mentally to put things on paper and sing things out loud. It obviously happened quite naturally within my songwriting, but also, I made sure that I was being honest with the way I write and that everything I write is not always [about feeling] constantly amazing. What you see online isn't necessarily the truth behind closed doors, and songs like*** **'Worth It' *and even* 'Dye It Red** really touch base on those subjects.

***CDM: There's a lot of relatable moments on your album, but maybe one of the most relatable is in 'Dye It Red' when you say, "Kiss my ass you don’t know jack / And if you say you understand you don’t." I feel like that right there is the theme-song of any human that identifies as a woman.***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Yeah! Literally my life. *<laughs>*

***CDM: What do you feel is the most misunderstood thing about being a girl or woman?***

'*BEABADOOBEE: **Hmmm... honestly, if I could, we'd be here for ages if I listed everything, but I think it's our strength and our mental capacity and how strong we are together and as individuals. I feel like people really don't see that. Like,*** **'Oh a girl playing guitar? Yeeaahhhh right.** There's always that old, really grumpy, like 40-year-old something single man that is on the comments, just frickin' hating. Honestly, I don't even have to get sad because of that comment, I know you just literally do not get it because you're too dumb. There's a lot of that.

***CDM: I love that you've said that the album is about "how annoying it is to be a girl". What is the number one most annoying thing about being a girl?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Female stereotypes are annoying, and when I'm talking about my feelings and being honest and trying to be as mature about it as possible, it's called whining and called *<makes a childish wailing noise>. 'Fake It Flowers'* is me just pretty much saying how it is straight from my brain. And to me, every time I sing those songs / every time I sing those songs live with my band, I always feel so empowered because it's me speaking and it's genuine lyrics and real-life shit that I've been through. I think every girl can relate to at least one song on the album, and if they do, and if it helps them in some way, that's an amazing thing to me.

***CDM: When I was growing up, Michelle Branch always felt very important to me as kind of the only BIPOC musician that was visibly successful in that pop singer-songwriter space. I imagine it must be even more of a powerful feeling for young girls of Asian heritage when they see you succeeding; proof that if it was possible for you, then it's possible for them too. How does it feel knowing you mean so much to these girls?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Honestly, it's mostly the reason why I do this. I always struggled in school with fitting in and looking so different, and I never really had someone to look up to. I only found Michelle Branch just before I was writing the album, and Miki [Berenyi] from Lush, and all these amazing Asian women who rock out. And I'm glad I did find them, even though I wish I would have found them sooner, but it does make me feel really happy knowing that I've created an influence with people who look like me and remind themselves of me. It's really nice.

***CDM: It was cool seeing you do 'Hurry Home' with No Romeand Jay Som. Asians represent!***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Literally. I love them.

***CDM: I sometimes feel like I have racial imposter syndrome, where I don't have many Asian friends, and there's only a small handful of Asians that I know in the music industry. Have you ever felt similarly isolated?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Oh yeah. At the beginning, I was just socialising with Asian girls - I didn't really have many different races as friends, I kind of just stuck around my comfort zone. And then now, I hardly have any, which is really annoying. Obviously, I have Rome and I have his band, and that's why I loved that tour so much because I would hear Filipino and Tagalog and it would feel like home. But yeah, I do feel that a bit now. And I really wish that I could have that relatability with people from the same country as me.

***CDM: Is 'Charlie Brown' a reference to the Peanuts comic striptattooed on your arm?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Yes, it is very much so.

***CDM: I love your tattoo. It's so cute.***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Thank you, I love it too, it's one of my favourites.

***CDM: What's your favourite thing about Charlie Brown and Snoopy's friendship?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Their innocence and their naivety to everything, but how it is just portrayed in such a beautiful and wholesome way. I feel like Charlie Brown was kind of the first thing that introduced people from that time to mental health and about being sad. And friendship is so prominent in the Charlie Brown comic books because it's the idea of togetherness and how much that means to someone and how much that means to you, and feeling okay - especially in my life.

***CDM: As you mentioned, you're very honest on this album. Was it therapeutic for you to write your song 'Charlie Brown'?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Not during the time. I was very manic at the time, but now, being able to sing it, it is an amazing release. And writing it as well. It was just something to get off my chest, and it did help me mentally after that. I've been great since.

***CDM: It'll be cool when you can sing it live on tour. It will be powerful.***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Exactly.

***CDM: What was running through your mind while writing 'Emo Song'?***

'*BEABADOOBEE: **It's such a sad song that I literally was like, maybe I could soften the blow by calling it*** **'Emo Song' *because it really just does delve into the deep depths of my life and how that really affects me today. It's a bit like* 'Care** but kind of just more in-depth about how I'm trying to get used to it as a young woman. And growing up, and Covid, and being stuck indoors, it has really made me start thinking about those sorts of things and how I can kind of improve with trust and acceptance. It's hard for me to imagine... I mean, that's why I get so weird about people even caring about my music or me. It doesn't make any sense to me that people would even like me, and I think I just need to kind of grow into feeling much more comfortable with myself.

***CDM: You're very open in 'Sorry', admitting your mistakes in a friendship and feeling guilty that you've reached a better state of mental health than your friend. Is juggling someone else's emotional baggage one of the hardest things about maintaining a close friendship with another person?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Definitely. Especially if you're both kind of in the same boat. When you're with someone who is in the same kind of mental place you're in, you can start glorifying some things. And sadness and depression were glorified back then with Tumblr and all that shit, and it was becoming unhealthy in that sense. And it was also becoming unhealthy because it was just putting more stuff in my head and more stuff in her head, and more baggage. It's a hard thing to go through, and if you're mature enough and if you're strong enough you can, but I think when you're as young as fourteen, it's hard.

***CDM: And one of the hardest things about being young is that you don't know how to set boundaries yet.***

'*BEABADOOBEE: **Exactly. You just want to be with someone all the time and even if they treat you like shit, you're like,*** **'It's fine! I just don't want to be alone!**

***CDM: It's the puppy stage of life. We're basically all puppies at that age.***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Oh yes. Great way to put it.

***CDM: "I miss getting angry at you / 'Cause at least I felt something new," you say in 'How Was Your Day?', which reminded me of a tweet I once saw that questioned: "Do you actually miss them or are you just happy but feeling a bit uncomfortable because you had gotten so used to their chaos, the ups and downs/drama that now you’ve convinced yourself that talking to them would add some spice to your life? Stop self-sabotaging and enjoy the peace." How do you know if the emotional turmoil of a relationship is toxic? Or worth trying to survive?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** It's honestly the hardest.... I'm not the right person to ask. *<laughs>* Being in a completely long-term relationship, you're in love with that person and everything gets blurred. Everyone gets blinded because it's just pure infatuation and admiration. It's really hard to kind of pick between the two, but I think you can really tell when you're away from that person long enough to realise and think about everything that you guys go through, and then judge upon that whether it's healthy or not. It is really hard to tell. But if you find someone who you're in love with and who you click with, and who is also your best friend, I feel like you should never lose that in your life. You should always keep them there.

***CDM: Attachment theory is a really interesting concept. I was reading a theory recently about how "anxious attachment styles often confuse the intensity in the relationship for intimacy when in reality the anxiousness is the reason for the intensity of feeling."***

**BEABADOOBEE:** It's really hard to pick between the two, and also the idea of not wanting to be alone at the same time because you're always so anxious and you constantly feel like you need someone there. And then, thinking that's too much, when it's in reality, it's you. I think it's definitely really common, and I feel like the only way to kind of get past that is just admitting that you're anxious and finding out why you're panicking. I get really bad panic attacks myself, which I talk about in therapy, and it's the one thing that I always try to do - just kind of stay away from everything and just stop and feel grounded. I can't really be with anyone when that happens. And I think when you're going through that, it's better to be alone rather than weighing it on another person because you'll just weigh it on yourself even more. It's hard.

***CDM: I get panic attacks too and it's really difficult when you start spiralling. No one teaches you how to deal with that.***

'*BEABADOOBEE: **Yeah, they just tell you where it comes from. And it's like,*** **'Oh, this is why it happens,** but what the fuck do I do when I can't breathe, bro?!

***CDM: I already know I'm stressed. That's why I'm having a panic attack. Telling me not to be stressed is not gonna help me.***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Literally.

***CDM: Please explain why you have picked the names Yoshimi, Forest, and Magdalene for you and Soren's future children.***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Well, Yoshimi from the *['Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots']* album by The Flaming Lips, because I love that album and I love that song. Magdalene because of the Pixies Song, *'Magdalena'*, and there was also this really cool girl in school called Magda and she was really popular and she was really nice to me. And Forest because of this guy*<points to a 'Big' film poster in her bedroom>*, Tom Hanks. I feel like I'd have two children and I would still add Forest in there, like as a middle name.

***CDM: Maybe you could just get a dog and name it Forest.***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Good point. Or a red panda.

***CDM: I greatly enjoyed the photoshopped photo of you and Soren posted to your @redpandadoobee Instagram account back in March, with your three red panda children. I was like, 'Wow, an album easter egg!'***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Oh my god. Yeah!

***CDM: Your mind is so powerful.***

**BEABADOOBEE:** That's so funny, I forgot about that.

***CDM: It's very relatable when you say, "Because when I’m mad I get pretty scary," in 'Yoshimi, Forest, Magdalene'. Is anger the most forceful emotion?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Oh yeah, especially to me. I've definitely got some type of anger issues because when I get mad, I get mad as fuck and it's really scary.

***CDM: Do you get road rage?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** I get road rage and I get hangry! I get road rage and I don't even know how to drive; I'm just by the wheel and I'm angry.

***CDM: If I'm hangry, I just can't be a reasonable person.***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Yeah, I will scream. One time, Soren ordered a meal from a restaurant and he ordered something for me, and I was like, *'Yeah, I will like that.'* We get the orders and his one ends up looking frickin' amazing and my one just looks absolutely shit, and I throw a massive tantrum, like *<screams>*, and I'm actually crying, so he gives me his one and I eat in his room with the door locked and I finish the whole box of takeaway.

***CDM: Wow, he's an angel for putting up with you***

'*BEABADOOBEE: **Literally. He's like,*** **'It's fine.' *Like,* 'Thanks.**

***CDM: Have you ever tried screaming into the void as a form of release?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Oh yeah, there were many nights during high school days where I'd go out in the evenings and meet my friend and just scream into the void. And it'd always be by Southbank Beach. I'd go down there with my friend and just scream and throw rocks.

***CDM: There are places you can go called 'rage rooms' where you pay to smash everything inside the room... like, throw plates at the wall.***

**BEABADOOBEE:** That's sick. Oh my god, I'm gonna do that.

***CDM: What's the significance of 'Fake It Flowers' as an album title to you?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** It's open to anyone's interpretation. Honestly, the story behind *'Fake It Flowers'* and how I got the name was pretty wild. I made demos on my phone, just little phone recordings of me playing guitar and singing, and I did it in the rehearsal studio or at my house, and they were both in completely different ends of London. For some reason, it would just automatically save as *'Fake It Flowers'* and I was like, *'Oh, it could be a location around my rehearsal place, but surely it would change if I go back home because I'm going to a different location.'* Turns out it was actually the name of a little flower shop near my rehearsal place. The demos saved as, like, *'Fake It Flowers 1'* or *'Fake It Flowers 2'*, depending on how many songs I was up to, and I thought it was really interesting because it sounds really pretty and I love the idea of flowers. But I also think the idea of faking it contrasts with the beauty and purity of how pretty flowers are.

***CDM: I read an interview with the actress Tessa Thompson recently and she was explaining "the ways in which so many things as a human are performative. The way gender can feel performative, the way sexuality can feel performative, the way happiness inside of just being a human can sometimes feel like you’re performing happiness." Do you agree or disagree with her that so much of being a human is putting on an act?***

'*BEABADOOBEE: **Yeah, there is a sense of feeling that way. Especially, like, growing up, I was this big advocate for me to fake it 'til I make it:*** **'I'm just gonna fake being happy and tell everyone I think I'm hot and it will happen.' *I tried doing it, and obviously, to some extent, it has worked, I feel much more confident and I do feel much more happier. That could have been the changes in my environment and the way my life is, and the people I've met, so it's really hard to kind of decipher the two, but I definitely think it is a bit of putting on a face and showing yourself to be this happy-go-lucky person. I grew up always being considered, like,* 'Bea! She's so bubbly!**, and no one really knew me behind closed doors. The songs on the album are from that time when I was fourteen and I felt so sad. So yeah, it is a bit of an act at times.

***CDM: For the record: You are hot. You're an ASOS model.***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Thank you!!

***CDM: Have you heard about the 'happiness set point'? It's the belief that humans generally maintain a constant level of happiness throughout their lives, despite major positive or negative events, or life changes, but as you make more money, your expectations of life also rise, which result in no permanent gain in happiness - like you're a little hamster on a wheel constantly working to maintain or chase a certain level of happiness.***

'*BEABADOOBEE: **That is really interesting. I feel like it is also quite unhealthy to think that way, and I think that explores that. Growing up, I was always really satisfied with... anything. And obviously, I didn't expect any of this music to happen. I was like,*** **'Whoah, what the fuck is going on?!** Yeah, that's really interesting.

***CDM: Do you one day still want to be a nursery teacher?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Hell yes! Please. I would love that so much. I do plan to have a really nice little house and be a nursery teacher and write books and also continue making music or even making music for films, and that honestly, is my dream. Hands down.

***CDM: What is it about being a nursery teacher that appeals to you so much?***

**BEABADOOBEE:** Me and kids really get along; I feel like we think the same. I have a little brother and he's got autism, so he acts a lot younger than his age, and we get along really well. I love him. And I think kids are inspiring and they're the future and I feel like it's really important to train them at a young age about life, and even if it's the smallest and simplest of things, like showing them art and even reading. Every night I do this thing when Soren can't sleep, where I make a story up on the spot, and that's exactly what I want to do when it comes to nursery teaching. I literally make it up off the spot and I think it's really fun acting out and doing all the voices and stuff. It's lit. I would love to do that.

***CDM: What was the last story that you made up for Soren about?***

'*BEABADOOBEE: **I'm gonna try to remember it because it was sick... It was about how a little girl from this family became best friends with the house-mouse and how she always gave it a little plate of cheese, and they made an agreement for him to only come out in the nighttime and not in the daytime, and she'd always leave a plate of cheese. Something along the lines of that. It was sick, and Soren was like,*** **'Whoah, did you make that up on the spot?** I was like, damn, I really want to be a nursery teacher. It would be the coolest thing.