Wizard 19

**Chapter 19**

Without warning, we cut away from Richard and Kahlan to a big, ornate crypt. There are 57 torches in gold brackets, and 57 vases of white roses, one for every year of the deceased's life. The white roses have been replaced, without fail, every morning for the past thirty years. That's a lot of white roses. Where do they get them in the winter? Are they magic roses? What if there's a rose blight, or an infestation of rose-eating beetles?

There is a *“large staff”* taking care of this crypt, sweeping up rose petals, relighting torches, and so forth. Being a member of the crypt staff is considered an honor, and a staff member who messes up is beheaded. This is apparently a perk, since slow deaths are common and greatly feared. Also, staff members are de-tongued to keep them from speaking ill of the dead. How charming.

And it appears there's an entire additional staff of guards, who watch the crypt staff for mistakes and perform the beheadings. That seems like and awful lot of people focused on one crypt.

It turns out we're in D'Hara, apparently near the People's Palace. There's a stone coffin in the crypt and it and the walls are covered with carved symbols: “instructions in an ancient language from a father to a son on he process of going to the underworld and returning.” I'm going to stop bitching about how you're not supposed to be able to return from the underworld, since that rule clearly exists to be broken.

The Master is visiting his father's crypt. The door is guarded by a pair of his personal guards, who wear sleeveless leather-and-mail outfits. Why on earth would you wear sleeveless armor? Do the D'Harans have some sort of taboo against striking an enemy's arms? This isn't as bad as a chainmail bikini, but it's close.

The guards also have some of the most...distinctive weapons I've ever read about in a fantasy novel. *“**...the bands they wore around their arms just above their elbows, bands with raised projections sharpened to deadly edges, used in close combat to tear apart an adversary.”*

Umm...

What?

They wear armbands with blades on them? As weapons?

>\_<

First question: what about swords? You know, those big knives that allow you to kill someone before they can get close enough to elbow-rake you to death with their spiky armbands? The guards aren't described as having any other weapons; the spikebands are apparently their only weapons. \~/

*[Edit From the Future: The guards draw their swords a few paragraphs later, but they still aren't described as having any when they first appear.]*

Second question: How many Elite Badass D'Haran Guards (hereafter EBDG) die of blood loss after stabbing themselves in the stomach with their own spikebands? Notice where your elbow is when you're not using you hands. That's right, it's resting against the side of your torso.

Now imagine that, because you're stupid, you have razor blades sticking out just above your elbow. \~/

It would be better to have the EBDG's be completely unarmed. A man who can defeat a master swordsman with his bare hands is menacing and impressive. This...I don't know what this is. X-Treme, maybe.

The Master turns out to be Darken Rahl, making his first appearance on page 187. He wears an immaculate white robe and carries a curved knife. He has fine, straight blonde hair, *“painfully handsome”* blue eyes, and his features *“set off his eyes perfectly.”* Whatever that means. So just imagine whatever features go best with a set of painfully handsome blue eyes, I guess.

We're told that Rahl is a sexist, who considers women only the dirt to bear mens' seed. He takes many women to his bed, some willingly. He neither knows nor cares if he has any siblings. So far, he's coming across as textbook Generic Evil.

Demmin Nass shows up. He is Rahl's right hand henchman. He has spiky blonde hair with a black streak in it and no other interesting features. We're also told that he's a pederast, I guess in case we had any doubts as to whether the main henchman of the Evil Overlord was a soft-hearted poet with a fondness for kittens.

Darken Rahl's voice has a *“**clear, almost liquid quality to it.”* What??

Anyway, Denim Nascar and Rahl have a frankly creepy talk about a boy Denim has brought, and who is in the Gardens of Life. (Denim's a creep. We get it. \~/) Denim framed someone named Brophy for the boy's murder, but Brophy *“**submitted to a Confessor, to prove his innocence.”* Oooh, a clue! Mind vampires can prove someone's innocence! And this is apparently an ordeal, judging by Denim's reaction.

More Evil Chatter. Denim Nascar was the one who sent the quads after the Confessors, and all the Confessors are dead except for Kahlan. By coincidence (not), Kahlan was the Confessor who found Brophy innocent.

Blah, blah. Rahl terrorizes Denim for no particular reason. Hasn't he read the Evil Overlord's list? We learn that someone named Queen Milena has the third Magic Box, and Rahl agrees to whatever she asks in order to get it. Rahl knows that Kahlan found the Nameless Wizard. He also somehow knows that a Seeker has been named. He plans to have a Confessor son with her. How sweet. More stuff is said, but it's all fairly pointless so I shall ignore it.

Rahl and Denim wander to the Garden of Life, which is *“a cavernous room in the center of the People's Palace.”* There's a big lawn with a circle of white “sorcerer's sand” and various other knick-knacks like wells and stone slabs. A boy is buried to the neck in the center of the circle of sand. Rahl makes nice with the boy, whose name is Carl (Carl??) and tells him he's going to be part of an important ceremony to protect the good people from the bad people.

And the chapter ends on this disturbing note.

Drinks: 3

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