"New Show" - FULL HOUR SPECIAL

**"New Show" - FULL HOUR SPECIAL** is an upload of a full hour long comedy special filmed at the Enmore Theatre, Sydney.

## Plot

### Introduction

Broden introduces the show. They talk about Australia, advertising the different attractions there. Zach says that Goldie Hawn or Michelle Pfeiffer would approve of Warner Bros Movie World. Mark says to come on down and check out the Sydney Opera House, which is home to the King of Australia, King Larrikin Wallaby Waloo. They talk about IMAX and the Red Centre, as well as different musical acts.

Nug Kelly appears and asks them to come along as he shoots a policeman in the face, but Mark says they have a plane to catch, so Nug says to use their national carrier, Ansett. Mark does some Italian shit. So where the bloody hell are ya, ya cunts?

### AW YEAH!

They use a song to introduce themselves, and get the crowd to say "g'day Broden," "howdy Mark," and "fuck you Zach." They get the ladies and the boys to say "AW YEAH!" They try to do the same to the reviewers to trick them. They get the left and right sides to shout, then just King Larrikin Wallaby Waloo in the front but he doesn't do it right. He says his name is Jack but they call him Larry and lecture him. He still doesn't do it right. They get ready to begin their little comedy play.

### Laughing

Broden does the laugh you do when your grandfather makes a racist joke. Zach does the laugh a mum makes on Christmas Day when one of her sons makes a naughty joke. Mark does the laugh you make when you're watching Two And A Half Men. Broden does the laugh a dad makes when the weather lady makes a funny joke. Zach does the laugh you make when you watch eight episodes of a sitcom in a row on Netflix. Mark does the laugh you make when your nana dies (because she used to beat him with a spoon).

### Pitch Perfect

Broden says he has girl problems. He took his girlfriend out to IMAX to see Hellboy 2 and she wouldn't let him finger her in the back row. Zach and Mark have the medicine for him. Mark thinks Broden needs a little bit of zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum. Broden is confused, but Mark says he's doing a bit of zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum zum. Broden realises it's an a capella song, like in Pitch Perfect 2. Zach is singing which gives Broden a stiffy, but Broden tries to sing too, ending in failure, and Mark says it was fucked; his pitch was far from perfect and his timing was way off. Broden claims that they are prerecorded, and they take offense, proving it by doing a thing only non-prerecorded people can do. Broden tries to sing again but fails, saying he'll eat your eye. He goes as far as to say that Mark is using his voice. Mark tries to get Broden to do just the beat but he fails at this too, saying he'll eat your mum. However, they say it was awfully good, and all start singing together. They went on to compete in the international Pitch Perfect finals where they received an immediate lifetime ban.

### A Pinch on the Bum

They sing a song about pinching on the bum and pinch each other's bums. They get Larry to pinch Zach but this invades Zach's personal space and he leaves.

### Catfish

Mark mentions his girlfriend who he met online. He says he has prepared an Inception horn and dramatic lighting to go off when she comes in. Zach enters and the horn sounds. Zach says he hopes she's nice. Broden says if Zach has come to meet her he should be shaking his hand because it's polite. Broden says his girlfriend is right there, but it's actually Zach and he's partially blind. Zach confirms this because they went to the glasses shop yesterday. Zach says Mark's girlfriend is over there but it is a mandarin which she loves. Broden knows this, and chucks Mark another mandarin. Zach was going to say something but forgot. Broden is Mark's girlfriend's friend. Zach remembers there's no punchline.

### John Edwards

John Edwards talks to people who are deadwards; he is a spirit medium with a 100% accuracy rating. Adam is running late, and John is trying to call him. John celebrates because he knew his name was Adam. Adam says he has never seen John before, and left his daughter in a shopping centre in Hungry Jacks. Lots of people he knows have passed away, such as his great great grandmother and probably his daughter. John has a name beginning with J swimming in his loins, and Adam confirms that this name is Janes, Adam's grandfather. Janes is saying Adam is in financial trouble, and Adam says he was but landed a top secret acting gig, and thanks John. Adam has another huge stressful problem which Janes tells him to forget about, which is weird because he's shitting a lot of blood. He says he'll plug it up with cork, which John disagrees with. Janes fought in the Second World War in France in the 17th battalion and met King Larrikin Wallaby Waloo. In the winter of 1943, he took out a sniper that was holding his whole battalion down; the next summer, his general awarded him a winter coat as a thank you. John says Adam brought it there, but Adam read the email wrong and bought a jacket potato instead. Through John, Janes tells Adam to go fuck himself.

### Cordial

They sing a song about cordial, then get King Larrikin Wallaby Waloo onto the stage. They get him to chug a cup of cordial. They high five each other, but when he high fives Zach, he gets very upset and leaves.

### The Naughty Masseuse

Broden asks for a back massage, and the Naughty Masseuse appears and begins to massage his shoulders, back and thighs, then changes tracks on the CD player. Broden thinks he's doing something else, but they continue. They work on his buns, then the masseuse starts working on his stamp collection. Broden is angered but they continue again, with him on his back this time. The masseuse works on his peccies, nippies and abadomenam, then makes a cosmopolitan. Broden thinks he's giving him a handjob and calls him a tarty little warhammer. He just wants his wank job.

### Masterchef

Mark, Broden and Zach, who is a crab, all dance to the music. They do cooking things. Zach kills Mark as a rabbit twice, then kills Broden. Mark pulls him over but Zach also kills him. He gets into a gun fight, killing Broden, then kills himself.

### Dodo Customer Support

Picky Dicky Doo calls Dodo, and Picky Dicky Doo answers. Picky's WiFi isn't working and Picky wants to troubleshoot this, but Picky is a bit of a Karl Stefanovic so thinks Picky is going to shoot him. Picky says he's more of a Koshy man, but hasn't read his joke books.

Picky gets Picky to check his modem and tell him the colour of the blinking light, which is red like an apple, then gets him to open up his wife's laptop; Picky sees an email from Gary with a picture of his wife having sex with two men attached. One of these is Gary. Picky makes Picky print the file and show it to his wife, Jessica, who cries, and Picky says he's packing his bags and going to his brother Richard's house. He says "fuck you."

At Richard's house, Picky says that Jessica has been cheating on him, and Richard knows this and starts crying so Picky punches him in the face and kills him. Picky starts drinking whiskey and driving, and rear-ends a car in the wrong lane, killing him.

He sees a tunnely light into Heaven, but they don't let him in because he's with Dodo and they're TPG. Jesus Christ is there, and Picky realises the other man in the photo is Jesus who is entering his wife from behind. Picky shows Jesus the photo and he starts crying, begging for forgiveness. Picky gets Jesus to fix the WiFi but this doesn't work so Picky gets Picky to turn the modem on and off, which works.

### Spooky Interval

Broden, Zach and Mark wander around in the dark spookily. Mark trips over the chair, but is just faking it. Broden says hi to Noah. Mark becomes an internet troll who likes reminding them on YouTube that their old stuff is better than their new stuff. The fact that you can't buy a bottle of wine in Sydney after midnight creeps up behind them. The sketch has outstayed its welcome.

### The Quiz Show

Fast Furious Fred introduces Broden who is just three questions away from winning a billion dollars and buying himself a whipper snipper. Fred explains that it will be a quick fire round, and gets Broden to name the Keanu Reeves film *Speed* but Broden says *Speed 2: Cruise Control* which is the sequel featuring Sandra Bullock. Fred ends his shift and Pausey Pete takes his place.

The first question is "who is the leader of the government of the country of Australia?" Broden answers Malcolm Turnbull which is correct. The second question is "what is the capital city of the United Arab Emirates?" Broden answers Washington DC because Pete paused, and is incorrect. The third is "how many dalmatians were there in the film 102 Dalmatians?" Broden answers 101 but this is wrong again. The fourth is "what is the tallest mountain in the world of Middle Earth?" Broden answers Mount Everest but the answer is Mount Doom. The fifth is "a fireman drives what kind of vehicle to work?" Broden answers a fire engine but this is wrong. The sixth question is "what is the form of aeronautical transport used by the president of Qantas when flying with the President of the United States of America?" Broden answers that it is any Qantas plane when the correct answer is Air Force One. The penultimate question is "an apple a day keeps the -what- away?" which Broden answers correctly with doctor. The final question is "Doctor Who is the fastest runner in the world, true or false?" Broden answers incorrectly with Usain Bolt. Broden hates Pausey Pete but had fun.

### Police Sketch Artist

Broden introduces Michael, the police sketch artist, to Mr Auctioneer, who explains the features of the person he's looking for.

### The Hunk and the Dork

The Hunk is the hottest hunk in school, while The Dork is the biggest dork in school. They both have 1000 friends but the Dork has them online. The Hunk walks the walk and talks the talk, while the Dork has bone density problems. The Hunk's mum was on Sale of the Century but the Dork's mum is dead. The Hunk has fingered all of the girls while the Dork has no fingers. The Hunk is an excellent kisser but the Dork's girlfriend is literally a noodle. The Hunk carries his book over one shoulder but the Dork carries them in his gullet like a pelican.

### Lord Whoopie

Lord Whoopie introduces himself, a character that Aunty Donna have been working on for the last three months to mixed reviews; he is silly, juvenile and "not everything was brilliant." He tells Broden to find the strongest, most virile man in the audience. The first guy refuses to come up, but then Broden retrieves John the Motor Mechanic. Lord Whoopie asks John for his name, and he responds with "Lord Woofie!" He says his actual name and occupation, and Lord Whoopie gets him to take a seat; he has a farty farty bum bum. He is told to get off the stage, and Maxine the Motor Dealer takes his place. Lord Whoopie gets her to take a seat; why is she spending so much time dealing out cars when clearly she wants to deal out farts? King Larrikin Wallaby Waloo is called on, who says his name is Damian. Lord Whoopie accidentally sits on the chair; he has flown to close to the sun and is a pooey pooey bum bum.

### Sisters Sketch

Kate and Kate are hanging out and watching movies in the Rumpus Room when Stepdad Steve appears, saying he and their mother are trying to sleep. He tries to send them to bed. They've watched Mean Girls, Clueless, Rommie and Michelle's High School Reunion, The Sweetest Thing, She's All That, She's the Man, Seabiscuit, Space Jam starring Michael Jordan, The Mighty Ducks 2, Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, Back to the Future, and Back to the Future 2. Steve threatens to separate them so their periods unsync. They've watched Eyes Wide Shut, The Passion of the Christ, The Human Centipede, every ISIS beheading video, all the 9/11 footage, and the LiveLeak video of the man putting a glass jar up his bottom. The girls suggest a movie with Michelle Pfeiffer, who Steve loves but uncle Larry loves more. They call Larry up to the stage.

### Do-Si-Do

They are interrupted by a voice that tells Mark to move left into the spotlight, then for Zach to move right, then left, then right, then left, then right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, left, right, right, left turn, right turn, grab your partner, here we go, Let's all do the do-si-do! Grab your partner, hit the floor, let's all dance just a little bit more! Left, left, right, right, left, stop. The voice says that it's fucked.

### The Declaration of Independence

The voice introduces the sketch, saying it will be told by marionette puppets. Zach and Mark are going to sign the Declaration of Independence, but first need to pick up a pen.

### French Restaurant

Broden and Mr Auctioneer are at a trendy Sydney French restaurant. The waiter, Pizza Man, appears and asks if they're going to see a Broadway show like Singin' in the Rain. Broden wants a French bouillabaisse but the Italian man thinks he said bolognese. He asks what they want for pud such as tiramisu or shitinacup, talking into Broden's penis. Broden wants the sticky date pud from Sara Lee. The man tells Broden a secret; he fucks his cousin. That wasn't related, but they are. Mr Auctioneer orders some food also.

### Shakespeare

The teacher, a middle class 26 year old guy who went to university, is trying to turn some poor kids around. He tells a punk kid who hates following rules about Shakespeare, and the punk kid reads some and says he will stay in school. A gangster who has killed six men appears, saying it hurts when he pees. The teacher tells him to read Shakespeare, curing his urethra pain. A young kid with a disability, Standy Steve, is also given one of Shakespeare's sonnets by the teacher, causing him to stand. Unfortunately, his legs break.

### Outro

King Larrikin Wallaby Waloo interrupts them, saying he is the guy they've been taking the piss out of all evening. He appears on stage and they lay a red carpet. He does an emu dance. He begins to cough up blood from the poisoned cordial, and dies by regicide. The boys do an outro rap, and tell the audience to go AW YEAH! They say thank you. Zach goes to shake Larry's hand, but this invades Zach's personal space and he doesn't need that shit. They tell Larry to get off stage, and say thank you again.

## Characters

* Broden
* Mark
* Zach
* King Larrikin Wallaby Waloo (Jack/Damian)
* Nug Kelly (Broden Kelly)
* John Edwards (Zachary Ruane)
* Adam (Mark Bonanno)
* Janes (referenced)
* Naughty Masseuse (Mark Bonanno)
* Picky Dicky Doo (Customer) (Zachary Ruane)
* Picky Dicky Doo (Operator) (Broden Kelly)
* Gary (referenced)
* Jessica (referenced)
* Richard (referenced)
* Jesus Christ (referenced)
* Fast Furious Fred (Mark Bonanno)
* Pausey Pete (Zachary Ruane)
* Michael (Mark Bonanno)
* Mr Auctioneer (Zachary Ruane)
* The Hunk (Broden Kelly)
* The Dork (Zachary Ruane)
* Lord Whoopie (Zachary Ruane)
* John the Motor Mechanic
* Maxine the Motor Dealer
* Kate and Kate (Broden Kelly & Zachary Ruane)
* Stepdad Steve (Mark Bonanno)
* Pizza Man (Mark Bonanno)
* Teacher (Broden Kelly)
* Punk Kid (Zachary Ruane)
* Gangster (Mark Bonanno)
* Standy Steve (Zachary Ruane)