275: Am I Ever Gonna Make Any Friends?

## Summary

After another sleepless (but restful) night at the hotel, the party are treated to a complimentary breakfast brought to them by a rather awkward bellhop. Will briefly flies back to Beartoggle Lake to check in on Mo before returning to regroup with the others and they head off to the Warrens in search of the Sooty Gang hideout. On the way they encounter Rosco LaFleur, an angry old drunk, who also had designs on infiltrating the gang in order to rescue his dog. Together they're able to get inside, where a hidden set of stairs leads them down into a vast underground shaft.

## Synopsis

The group settle down at the Beartoggle Hotel for the night. Sheemie, still half-cut, goes to sleep pretty early. While Raphina lies on the floor, snoring and pretending to sleep, Will and Batthwack quietly discuss the weird moment in the magical item shop when the shopkeeper referred to "King Batthwack". Batthwack insists that despite having told a story about a young monarch who was cast out for sparing his clan's enemy, the story wasn't about himself. He says he is not a king and has never been one. Will says that he had assumed that's why he'd made a deal with the Kingmaker. *"You want to be king. I assumed you were king."* Batthwack explains that his name isn't a family name or anything, saying *"I didn't want anything to do with my clan. I wouldn't have taken a name that was common."* From her position on the floor, Raphina pipes up. *"Your timestream might be all screwed up. Maybe you really did become king, just like there's now a dam in my town."* Batthwack points out though that no one seems to have recognised him as he's been walking around the city.

Changing the subject, Batthwack says *"I'll tell you what I want right now. I want those wing boots!"* Will suggests just stealing them, like Sheemie stole their gifts, suggesting it could be just the same as when he stole the diamond in Morrow's Inlet. *"You could save someone's life with the boots,"* he says. Batthwack can see the logic of this. *"Maybe you're right, Will. Maybe it is kind of the same."* Will is surprised at how readily Batthwack took to the idea of stealing the boots, and asks him if he's ok with stealing while simultaneously casting *Detect Thoughts*. He reads Batthwack's surface thoughts: *"Stealing is obviously wrong, except in some cases."* Will says he could afford to buy the boots, but not until he's back in Tivoli where all his money is. Will tries to distract Batthwack, opening a door with *Mage Hand* to try and probe deeper into Batthwack thoughts, but can't penetrate his mind.

Will suggests opening Gwen's bottle of Bufflin whiskey before saying through gritted teeth, *"I just wanted to say that last night I got mad at you, and it was because you didn't listen to what I said about coming to me when dark powers are trying to talk to you. BUT! I just wanted to say that as my bodyguard... or something... I get why you did that. And like, sorry for freaking out. That's all I want to say! Just to clear the air, because I've been annoyed with you. And that's not cool, right? Not for doing something for my benefit."* He goes on to insist that from now on, Batthwack approach him, even if it seems like the wrong thing to do. Batthwack thanks Will for speaking his mind and from her bed, Raphina cannot suppress an involuntary squeak of joy.

The rest of the day and night passes without incident and at day break, everyone suddenly feels rested and refreshed, their energy fully restored. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. Batthwack opens it and there's a halfling in the typical hotel employee uniform there, standing behind a wheeled cart laid out with three domed metal platters. The halfling tells them *"This is just a complimentary breakfast as an apology from the establishment for the lack of calliope music this morning."* He's slightly awkward and nervous as he wheels the cart in. Raphina asks him if he's Ricardo Ulysses, and no-one can quite believe it when he says his name is Ricardo Odysseus, or Ricardo Dysseus, for (slightly) short. He says that the calliope player died tragically in the night, but when he sees how shocked the group is, he quickly backtracks. *"No... I just... Sometimes I like to dramatise the lives of my fellow people in this world. And no, I don't think anybody died. I'm not sure why there's no calliope music, but I am very sorry. And so here's breakfast."* The domes are removed from the platters, revealing bunches of red and green grapes on the first two, and smoked fish and sausage on the third. Ricardo apologises for his overdramatic embellishments, which he says haven't been going down well with the hotel guests. *"I'm just trying to have some fun,"* he says. Will suggests an alternative job as a bard, perhaps, but Ricardo thinks that's a bit too adventurey. He apologetically backs out of the room and they shut the door before tucking into their breakfast.

The group reminds themselves of the plan, which is to assist the Aeonian Anglerfish, by obtaining the last key to the dam. The key, they understand, is in the possession of the Sooty Gang. The group decide to take Sheemie with them on this occasion, wondering if he is in fact handier in a fight than they had initially assumed. Batthwack also reminds them that they did want to check in on Mo and Hilula. They make their way downstairs, bumping into Ricardo Dysseus and Gareth in the reception. Ricardo glances awkwardly at Gareth, who's watching him sternly, and then says *"I've been asked to explain that my name is not in fact, Ricardo Dysseus. I was just having some fun with you. My name is, in fact, Maurice Thunderclown. And I am a mere simple, humble employee here at the Beartoggle Hotel. I apologise for being* weird *with you. And now that I'm at the front desk, and not a bellhop anymore, I'm sure I'm gonna be much better as an employee."* Will gives him some advice, *"Well, you could start by just not talking to us. When I want to talk to you, I will talk to you. You're welcome."* They all head outside and Maurice seems rather dejected. Raphina takes pity on him, calling back a cheerful goodbye and saying they'll see him later.

While the others wait at the hotel, Will flies up and away. Batthwack watches longingly after him, while Raphina digs around in the cracks between the concrete, looking for any sign of the Beartoggle River, which used to flow here. Below him, Will can see the scaffolding against the dam has nearly reached the top. They must have been working through the night to repair the collapsed staircase. A lot of fire damage is still visible at the top of the dam where the staircase was. Beartoggle Lake is sprawled out before him in the early morning sun, boats dotting the water and their lizards visible at the docks. He flies across the lake and down to their ship, which is still moored where they left it. Hovering over the boat, he calls out to Mo, who emerges excitedly. Mo reassures Will that him and Hilula are doing ok. He says she's grumpy and did try to escape on one occasion by jumping into the lake, despite her feet and hands being bound, but he rescued her from drowning. Will hunts around for something to give Mo, eventually tossing him a piece of dried jerky, which he gobbles up happily.

Meanwhile, Raphina talks to Batthwack about her concerns for Gareth and they send Sheemie inside the hotel to look out for anything troubling. He reports that only Maurice was there, being weird and awkward. Will flies back to the dam, and in the absence of anywhere selling coffee, he picks up some tea for the others before flying down, somehow without spilling a drop. Unfortunately, Raphina explains that Beartoggle tea is made out of ground-up fish bones and isn't very nice, unless it has a cinnamon stick. It's also highly caffeinated. She politely drinks it up anyway.

The group heads across the river towards the Warrens, which is quieter than the rest of the city, being more of a residential district. They're getting closer and closer to where they think the Sooty Gang hideout is when they overhear fevered mutterings up ahead, only a few words of which are audible. *"Owl fucks! Rudy! Rosco!"* Rounding the corner, they discover the source of the muttering to be a short (about 5"5'), fat human man with a reddish face and a bulbous nose, his expression a permanent scowl. He's wearing layers upon layers of rumpled grey clothing, with a yellow plaid vest under his grey coat. He has a medium-length, messy, scraggly white beard and wears a floppy brown homburg hat, which sits atop his unkempt, wispy white hair. He's standing against a wall, muttering to himself, *"Alright, okay, you got this. You got this. You have to got this, right? Those owl fucks got Rudy and they've got Rosco. Those owl fucks! They've got Rudy and they've got Rosco and you've got to get 'em back so you can get out of this godforsaken town once and for all, right? So just drink right up!"* He swigs from a bottle in a brown paper bag. *"Alright, just shake out the nerves you know. All right, you're ready now... so why aren't ya movin ya goddam coward? You worthless piece of garbage!"* He begins drinking again and when Raphina calls out to him, he yelps in shock, having not noticed their approach.

Raphina introduces herself, finding herself so intrigued by this strange character that she briefly forgets she's supposed to be incognito. She offers to help and he mutters some more about *"owls fucks"* and *"Rudy and Rosco"* before running off another block down the street. The group follow casually, Raphina suggesting this guy could be an ally against the Sooty Gang. She asks if Rosco is a pet of his. He says *"Well, I'm Rosco. Rosco LaFleur. Good to meetcha!"* The party are thoroughly confused. By way of explanation, Rosco says that Rudy is short for rutabaga and Rosco is also the name of his dog. *"I just say the first name that comes to mind,"* he says. He excuses himself and runs another block up the street, tripping as he goes. The party follow and notice that Rosco actually smells vaguely of lavender, a much more pleasant odour than his appearance suggests he has. Raphina isn't keen, saying *"My mom used to wash my clothes with lavender and I would just be running around itching as if my skin had to come off. It was terrible."*

Raphina and Will ask Rosco how the Sooty Gang ended up with his dog. *"Am I a dirty old man? Yes. Do I have a gambling problem? Yes. Did I borrow money from the Sooty Gang to feed my gambling problem? Yes. Did I have trouble paying them back that money? Yes. Did the Sooty Gang kidnap my dog as collateral to encourage me to pay the money that I don't have? Yes."* He explains that he lives in Beartoggle, but he's planning to get out of town as soon as he's found his dog. They asks what Rudy is, but Rosco evades the question. Batthwack suggests they pay off the debt, but Rosco says it's 700 gold, and for some reason Will is suddenly much more keen on the plan of rescuing the dog. Rosco says he's been studying the Sooty Gang's movements, but unfortunately has lost his notebook. His memory is spotty, but he's sure that it's important that he'd determined to put his plan into action during the morning. *"All I know is that if this is going to happen, it's got to happen now or never."*

The group ask Rosco to elaborate on his plan and he pulls out two quarterstaffs, which are identical, but it's suggested there is something special about the second one. *"Oh, is it magic? Who knows? All I can say is this: Rosco LaFleur might be the unluckiest bastard in the fucking world, but he didn't make it to 82-years-old not being able to defend himself."* he says. He tells them of a special room in the Sooty Gang's hideout, *"It's a big room covered in newspaper. They go in there to poop,"* which he says is the only safe way in, through the window. Will makes it abundantly clear that he has no intention of going in that way. Rosco looks at Batthwack who's been quietly taking all this in. *"Why don't we just get going?"* says the dragonborn. Rosco says that he thinks the newspapers were recently refreshed because the news stories were recent: "Grand Arbiter Is Sick!" and "Orange Dragon Flies Over City!" This reminds Raphina of the Arbiter Beartoggle's fall from the dam, and Rosco laughs. *"Oh man, I don't give a shit about no one!"*

As they make their way to the Sooty Gang hideout, Rosco asks Batthwack about Raphina. *"She's cool. She drinks a lot of tea. She looks out for people. She's really weird,"* says Batthwack. Rosco replies *"I knew somebody who cared about people and drank tea all the time. Oh, Tanya. Oh, how I miss her."* Batthwack's really confused. *"Wait, I thought... is Tanya your... is Tanya another dog?"* Rosco goes to slap him, but Batthwack catches his arm. *"No, not a dog. A precious memory from my past,"* he says. He tells the group that his dog is a mostly purebred bloodhound with a white tail. *"I love him,"* he says.

They eventually arrive at the window that Rosco had described. The outside of the Sooty Gang's lair appears to be just a very run-of-the-mill row house, crammed in with many others of it's kind. Rosco notes that it actually looks quite nice compared to what he's used to. There's an ibish sitting at a table in front of the door, deeply engrossed in a game of five finger fillet. Rosco immediately ducks down behind a barrel under the window, but Batthwack just walks straight up to the ibish, who angrily yells *"Get the fuck out here! You're not allowed to stand here! This is Sooty Gang territory. You're not Sooty Gang."* Rosco casts *Suggestion* and calls out *"Kick rocks and get outta here!"* This has the desired effect and the ibish dutifully takes his knife and throws it down into the table he'd been playing on, before shuffling away to start kicking the cobblestones. While Batthwack tries to force the window, Will disguises himself as Aunt Bootie, which takes Rosco by surprise until Raphina explains what's going on. The sight of one of Aunt Bootie's cigarettes reminds Rosco he needs a smoke, so he pulls out a pipe and begins loading it up with crushed up rutabaga roots. He appears to be down to the last few scraps of his stock. The others have never seen anyone do this before. Raphina comments on how much she likes the smell just as Rosco begins coughing violently.

Batthwack can't open the window, but upon trying the door, they find it's open. Going in they find nobody there. The inside of the house matches the outside; it's a very drab living room, completely devoid of newspapers or poop, but does have a ratty old couch and a chaise longue. Not much light penetrates the dirty and dingy window. The whole place stinks. There's a door in the back and a set of stairs leading upwards to the second floor. They become aware of a vibration in the floorboards beneath their feet, which Rosco even thinks could have an almost musical, thumping rhythm to it. Will suggests using his disguise kit to put circles around their eyes, hoping they can pass themselves off as gang members, since not all gang members seem to be ibish. He changes his appearance into that of Mr Greenman and starts going around the others applying eye makeup. Rosco casts *Disguise Self* to apply his own eye circles before Will gets to him, but when Will confusedly asks him about it, Rosco doesn't seem to know he did it himself. While Rosco hunts around for a mirror, Batthwack and Will worriedly whisper to each other, wondering if Rosco is in fact a Sooty Gang member.

Batthwack opens the door at the back of the room and finds a small, dimly lit, dirty-looking kitchen. There's a table for preparing food, some cabinets and a big pantry cabinet in the back corner. There's a small blacked-out window in the back, but no other doors. Batthwack starts going through the cabinets, finding them to be generally bare, but when he opens the pantry cabinet he's surprised to find a staircase leading down and the sound of the thumping gets louder.

Batthwack goes to tell the others, but Rosco doesn't wait; he immediately starts making his way down, surprisingly spry and stealthy for a short, fat, old man. It's a spiral staircase that seems to drill down into the very stone foundation of the house. The others catch up with him and eventually after descending what feels like a few floors worth, it suddenly opens up into an absolutely massive cavern. They find themselves behind a railing on a little balcony, and below them a vast circular shaft plunges into the ground below. The yawning chasm is criss-crossed at multiple points by ramshackle rope bridge catwalks. The thumping echoes oppressively throughout this place, dominating their senses. All around below them they spy activity, with people moving back and forth, crossing the bridges. They can see holes in the side of the shaft where figures are coming and going. There's no natural light at all, it's completely enclosed, but from somewhere out of sight below, a pulsing, flickering, warm red-orange glow emanates. Rosco groans wearily and says, *"The gaping abyss of time itself."*

## Trivia

* The episode title was a quote from first-time PFD player Adam! The party met a bellhop at the Beartoggle Hotel, who originally introduced himself as Ricardo Odysseus (or just Ricardo Dysseus), but was later revealed to be just plain old Maurice Thunderclown, a halfling with a penchant for being over dramatic and odd. When the party left the hotel without inviting him onboard as their new party member, Maurice sadly turned to his boss Gareth and said *"Am I ever gonna make any friends? Is the adventuring part of my life ever going to start? Or am I going to be a lowly hotel worker, working in hospitality for the rest of my days. I really thought they might invite me to join them. I guess I scared them off with my weirdness."*
* Play *Zork I* at https://playclassic.games/!
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: resplendent. It was previously described as resplendent in the description for Episode 247.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured Abby doing a recap to the tune of *These Boots Are Made For Walkin'* by Nancy Sinatra (with a surprise outro to the tune of *If I Had A Hammer*!!):

*[Verse 1]*

It's too soon to rest so we go shopping

Typically shy Batthwack becomes bold

Asks Will for an advance on the contract

Will thus furnishes him with some gold

*[Chorus]*

The party's spending money

Raphina spots some beads

Will appears to have the coin for anything she needs

*[Verse 2]*

Hold the phone, let's rewind this recap

I forgot when Sheemie got so drunk

We are very irresponsible guardians

Now there's Bufflin whiskey in this punk

*[Chorus]*

The party's spending money

Weapons for Batthwack

If he breaks the contract, can he ever pay Will back??

*[Verse 3]*

This shopkeeper has a special something

Keeps it locked away behind the till

Batthwack finds he has to have this object

But its cost exceeds the wealth of Will

*[Chorus]*

These boots were made for flying

And Batthwack’s heart is set

One of these days these flying boots may transport Batthwack yet

*[Outro]*

Now Sheemie has two hammers

He'll hammer at who knows what

He'll yammer in our eardrums

All over this land....

He drank up the whiskey

And now we have armed him

What could possibly go wrong....

With these hammers in his hand

## References

1. ↑ See episode 235: Titles Are For the Birds
2. ↑ See episode 270: Nothing Like a Juicy Amethyst!
3. ↑ See episode 226: What CAN'T Will Turn Into? A Pleasant Person? JUST KIDDING!
4. ↑ See episode 271: Gleb
5. ↑ See episode 257: Majestically Boring
6. ↑ See episode 267: Mo’s Riding Steed on the Lake in My Dreams
7. ↑ See episode 195: Open Up and Eat the Rainbow!
8. ↑ See episode 226: What CAN'T Will Turn Into? A Pleasant Person? JUST KIDDING!