Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - Musical Hell Review 12

**Diva:** Greetings, mortals. Welcome to another session of the Infernal Court in Musical Hell. I'm Diva: your judge, jury, executioner, and chu-chi face. Time for some word association. \*voiceover\* When I say *(cut to photos of...)* Ian Fleming and Albert R. Broccoli, what do you think of?

*Cut to a photo of Sean Connery as James Bond.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Naturally. Now what if I were to say *(cut again to photos of...)* Ian Fleming, Albert R. Broccoli, and crazy cars?

*Cut to a poster for the James Bond film, "The Spy who Loved Me".*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Hmm, perhaps I need to be *more* specific. *(cut once more to photos of...)* Ian Fleming, Albert R. Broccoli, crazy cars, and Dick Van Dyke?... Oh, and Roald Dahl.

*Cut to a close-up photo of a person smoking a joint.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Fair point, but I was aiming for our next offender, "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang".

*Cut to a poster for the titular 1968 musical-fantasy film, as well as clips from the film itself.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Inspired by a children's book written by Fleming - which if this movie is any indication, shows why he stuck mainly to spy novels - "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" is one of those movies which owe their existence entirely to the success of a much better movie: specifically, "Mary Poppins".

*Cut to a poster for the titular 1964 musical-fantasy film made by Disney, which also starred Dick Van Dyke.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* After Disney hit it big with that particular gem, United Artists apparently grabbed the first kiddie fantasy they could find, changed the setting to the Edwardian era, picked up "Poppins" star Dick Van Dyke, threw in a few songs, and called it good.

*Cut to a cover for the book, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory".*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* But hey, they got the author of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" to do the screenplay, so how bad could it possibly be? Oh, ye of too much faith. Let's examine the case of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang".

## Review

*The film opens with a black screen accompanied by the sound of revving cars.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Umm... movie? Is there something you want to share with the rest of the class?

*The screen fades in to reveal a dirt raceway with spectators watching the race from the sides.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Thank you. The credits sequence provides us with the backstory of the eponymous car, which started life as a big deal racer cheered on by the world's first NASCAR fans.

*The race continues as one car crashes into the side and explodes.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover, chuckling\* Seventeen people just died. But one day the driver swerved off the track to avoid running over a little girl, and in a crash and burst of flame, Chitty Chitty's racing days were over. Wait a minute, isn't this the plot of "Cars"?

*Cut to a poster for the 2006 Disney/Pixar movie, "Cars".*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Anyway, the once magnificent car gets put out to pasture in front of a mechanic's shop, where it spends its days playing jungle gym to a pair of ragamuffin twins named Jeremy and Jemima.

**Jemima Potts (Heather Ripley):** Now look what you've done! You frightened her!

**Jeremy Potts (Adrian Hall):** She shivered!

**Jemima:** See? She's a very special car!

**Jeremy:** If you put her in the fiery furnace, you'll be guilty of murder!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Ugh... Don't you two have an appointment with a cannibalistic witch or something?

*Cut to an illustration from "Hansel and Gretel".*

**Diva:** Meet Sin number one: the irritating child protagonists.

* **Sin 1: Annoying Children**

**Diva:** Now, in spite of what you might think, I don't hate children as a whole. In fact, I'm kind of admire them.

*Cut to a black and white photo of a young, ponytailed girl.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* In many ways, they're better at generating evil and mayhem than I am. \*voiceover\* I do however hate the precious, lilting-voiced tots that always result from badly written and performed child characters.

**Jeremy:** But Mr. Coggins, you promised we could play in her!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Look at these two, with their artfully smudged faces and "Oliver" extra clothes and the 'golly gee whiz' inflection on every single thing they say. These aren't children, they're creatures from the uncanny valley. I keep expecting their eyes to start glowing and causing plane crashes and stuff.

*Cut to a clip from the 1960 sci-fi horror film, "Village of the Damned".*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Jeremy and Jemima also seem to have a bit of an entitlement complex. When they learn the car is about to be sold off for scrap, they declare they can't possibly play anywhere else, and decide to beg their daddy to buy the car for them.

**Jeremy:** I know, daddy will buy it for us! Won't he, Jemima?

**Jemima:** Of course, he will!

**Diva:** \*voiceover, as Jeremy\* Daddy is a total pushover. \*normal voice\* On the plus side, the children almost instantly indulge my wish for them to go play in traffic.

**Truly Scrumptious (Sally Ann Howes):** Well! That's a clever thing to do!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* The lady motorist, whose name is Truly... yes, really, takes pity on the kids and gives them a lift to the home of their inventor father, Caractacus Potts. Yes, *really.* And once again, Dick Van Dyke is playing the most American man in merry old England.

**Caractacus Potts:** Hello, you're just in time!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Truly is, well... truly aghast to discover that not only have these two children been running around completely wild when they should be in school, but that their father is actively competing for the world's first Darwin Awards.

*Truly dumps a bucket of water onto the back of a rocket strapped to Caractacus's back before he can launch off the ramp and potentially kill himself.*

**Caractacus:** You have just succeeded in ruining my propulsion!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Yeah, how dare you save his life like that? This introductory sequence for our hero nets Sin number two as he comes off as, pun not intended, a bit of a dick.

* **Sin 2: Bad First Impression**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* He's rude, dismissive, shows no real interest in his kids' welfare, and is so wrapped up in his malfunctioning Rube Goldberg devices that he can't even fix the leaky roof in his dad's bedroom.

**Caractacus:** \*watching Truly crank her motor\* If women are going to drive motorcars around, they should learn to operate one correctly.

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Oh, and he's sexist, too. I'm starting to see why Mrs. Potts took that palace job in France.

*Cut to an image of Mrs. Potts from Disney's "Beauty and the Beast".*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Thankfully, Potts gets better as the movie goes along. The lullaby he sings as he tucks in his kids is a particularly lovely moment.

**Caractacus:** \*singing\* The winds of night so softly are sighing

Soon they will fly your troubles to sea

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Jeremy and Jemima beg Potts to buy the junky car for them, and since he *is* a total pushover, he agrees, even though he doesn't have the money for it. Luckily, he accidentally manages to create a candy whistle, so he shops it to the local sweet tycoon, Willy Wonk... uh, Lord Scrumptious. Of course, the anal secretary doesn't want to let him in, but fortunately for him, Potts has an in with the boss's daughter.

**Caractacus:** Uh... father? Truly... Scrumptious?

**Diva:** \*voiceover, chuckles\* Seriously? What is it with Ian Fleming giving his female leads ridiculous names?

**Bailiff:** \*high-pitched muttering\*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* What? That one was Dahl's idea?

**Bailiff:** \*high-pitched muttering\*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Potts was married in the book?

*Cut to a cover of the original book.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Okay, what was his wife's name? \*beat\* Mimsie? \*scoffs\* That's hardly any better. Anyway, I don't care who came up with it. Truly Scrumptious, stupid name, Sin number three.

* **Sin 3: Truly Stupid**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Truly is inexplicably OK with Potts now, so she helps him get in to see her father. And with some serious hard selling and a big production number, they manage to get him to hear them out.

*Lord Scrumptious plays a note on a candy whistle, causing him to chuckle. An audio clip from a classic Life cereal commercial then plays in the background.*

**Boy:** He likes it! Hey Mikey!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Unfortunately, all that high-pitched whistling manages to attract every dog in town, which spoils the whole deal. So, it's back to the drawing board for Potts, whose next plan is to join the other snake oil salesmen at the fair and peddle his automatic hair trimmer.

**Caractacus:** Excuse me, sir, you look like a man who could do with a haircut!

**Diva:** \*voiceover, as the man\* No thanks, I'll try the next gent over.

*Cut to a clip from the 2007 adaptation of "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" featuring Sacha Baron Cohen as Adolfo Pirelli.*

**Adolfo Pirelli:** \*singing\* I am Adolfo Pirelli, da king of da barbers

Da barber of kings

E buon giorno, good day, I blow you a kiss

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* That invention is also a horrible failure, so Potts has to flee his angry customer and escapes by... joining a group of Morris dancers? Oddly enough, this will not be the weirdest turn this movie takes. Potts joins the troupe for their act, "The Ol' Bamboo", which gets Sin number four for being an inappropriate use of diegetic music.

* **Sin 4: "The Ol' Bamboo"**

*Cut to a clip from the 2002 film adaptation of "Chicago".*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* In a musical, a diegetic song is a song that happens because the character is actually being called on to sing in-universe. For example: in "Chicago", Velma sings "All That Jazz" because she's a vaudeville performer and that's her act. Now because a diegetic song is something that is actually happening in this story rather than a quirk of the musical format, it tends to run into issues that might normally be smoothed over by the conventions of the genre. Case in point, Potts has just run into this dance troupe he's never met before, performing a routine he's presumably never seen. How does he pick up on it so quickly? Who let him have the solo verse? How come he gets his own dance break? How do the rest of these guys feel about this stranger coming out of nowhere and monopolizing their act? The presentation of the song contradicts its setup and function, which logic-bombs the entire number. The crowd goes wild at the performance, and somehow the take from Potts' very first attempt at carnival busking is enough for him to purchase the car.

*Caractacus brings the aforementioned car back home, having it pulled by a horse.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover, chuckles\* OK, that's... actually kind of funny. In fact, the car and its introduction are the movie's Saving Grace.

* **Saving Grace: Cool Car**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* The restoration montage finally allows us to see Potts as someone who is ingenious and resourceful, if still a little oblivious to the needs of those around him.

*Jeremy and Jemima are outside on the grass, waiting for the car to be finished.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover, as the children\* "Think he'll remember to feed us today?" "I wouldn't count on it." \*normal voice\* And the results are pretty impressive. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is one sweet ride, obviously built from whatever Potts had at hand, but in a way that comes together stylistically. However, it does invite the question: if Potts can make his car look this awesome, why is the rest of the junk in his laboratory, well... junk? Potts and his kids take the newly restored Chitty out for a spin, singing the movie's fun but *aggressively* catchy, 'dear lord of darkness, it will never leave your head' theme song.

**All:** \*singing\* And in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, what we'll do

Near, far, in our motor car

Oh, what a happy time we'll spend

**Diva:** \*voiceover, singing along\* Bang bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, our fine, four-fendered... \*spoken\* Ah well, it beats "Mamma Mia". And hey, guess who they happen to run off the road again?

**Caractacus:** You'll find a slight squeeze on the hooter an excellent safety precaution, Miss Scrumptious!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Truly is understandably upset that she keeps getting into near-accidents with this family, but she and Potts are firmly in the growing attraction stage of their dislike-to-love relationship, so she joins the family on their outing and they're off once more.

*Caractacus, Truly, and the children continue singing the song as they pass by a train. Cut to a short clip from Disney's "The Lion King".*

**Scar:** No! *Anything* but that!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Everybody has a fine day at the beach, especially the kids since they've obviously picked Truly as new mommy material. As they all kick back in Chitty, the rugrats ask for a story, and this is where the movie takes a sharp left turn into the *weird.*

**Caractacus:** That isn't just any old boat out there.

**Kids:** No?

**Caractacus:** No... zat is ze private yacht of ze notorious Baron Bomburst!

**Baron Bomburst (Gert Fröbe):** \*spying on them from far away\* I vant it! **I vant it!**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Umm... what?

**Caractacus:** What none of us have noticed is while we've been sitting here, the tide has been coming in... Now, we're completely cut off.

*The car is suddenly surrounded by water. Cut to a brief clip from "The Muppet Show".*

**Sam the Eagle:** ...What?

*An inflatable raft suddenly activates underneath the car, keeping it afloat. Cut to brief clip from the 2005 revival of "Doctor Who".*

**Tenth Doctor:** What?

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* This is probably a good time to bring up Sin number five, which is the plot of this movie is something of a mess. It's like an explosion at the whimsical kids story factory.

* **Sin 5: WTF, Plot?**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* So far, we've had an eccentric, absent-minded inventor, a candy factory, a carnival, a neat car with a built-in hovercraft, pirates who are also Eastern European dictators, and we haven't even gotten to the bumbling spies, the genius toymaker, or the underground society of children yet. Any one of these elements could've been made into a good story, but put them all together and you can't make anything cohesive out of it. The evil Baron Von Bomburst sends his spies, who he apparently hired from a Snidely Whiplash convention, to steal the magnificent Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for him... or failing that, to locate Professor Potts, so they can kidnap *him* and make him build another car just like it. Being spies of the comical and cripplingly stupid variety, they end up mistaking Potts' father for the desired inventor and hijack him by zeppelin. So, Chitty and company set off in pursuit of grandfather, which gets cut short when they run out of road. But don't worry, I'm sure the car has a pair of wings stowed somewhere in...

*A pair of glider wings suddenly appear underneath the car.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Oh, come on, I was kidding! Since Chitty also apparently has autopilot and tracking skills, the airborne chase continues. And one musical interlude later, they arrive at Von Bomburst's country of Vulgaria, where...

*The Baron's castle can be seen in the distance.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* No, I'm sorry, that's totally Neuschwanstein Castle in Bavaria.

*Cut to a photo of the castle from a closer point of view.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* It's one of the most famous architectural monuments in the world. You can't use it as a stand-in for your phony-baloney country. That would be like saying, "Hey kids! There's the home of the president of Winga-Wonga Land!"

*Cut to a photo of the White House in Washington, D.C..*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* So Vulbaria, or Bavgaria, whatever, is totally not a nice place. The Baron is a crazy manchild who rules with an iron fist and tries to kill his wife for sport, the great scientific minds are kept under lock and key, the villagers are unhappy, the Baroness has a terminal case of overacting, and the fashions are hideous. Oh, and the Baroness hates children, and has passed a law forbidding them in the country. So, when Chitty shows up with a couple of ankle-biters in the backseat, she immediately calls out the Child Catcher.

**Child Catcher (Robert Helpmann):** There are children here somewhere! I can *smell* them!

**Diva:** \*voiceover, shuddering\* Ugh! Seriously, mortals, why do you put traumatizing stuff like this into your children's movies all the time? Is it to keep therapists in business?

*Cut to a black and white comic panel of a man in a psychiatrist's office.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* What's next, a scene of the Baron and Baroness's bedroom antics?

*Cut to a clip of the Baron and Baroness together in their bedroom.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover, groaning\* ...Well, at least they're not calling each other cutesy-

**Baron Bomburst:** \*singing\* You're my little chu-chi face

My coo-chi, coo-chi, woo-chi little chu-chi face

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* I *really* need to learn to stop doing that... Luckily, our heroes are aided by a kindly old toymaker - is there any other kind of toymaker in movies like this? - played by Benny Hill. The toymaker hides them in his basement, where they are able to elude the Child Catcher by pulling the old Scooby-Doo ruse.

*The Child Catcher investigates some large, colorful boxes, only to be surprised by the Potts family and Truly disguised as jack-in-the-box clowns.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* This movie is *definitely* working overtime to meet its creepy quota. So, the Potts family and Truly are safe for the nonce, but poor Chitty is taken hostage by the Baron's goons. As Potts and the toymaker scout the castle, Truly goes in search of some food, leaving Jeremy and Jemima to fend for themselves... which sounds like a good cue for the nasty, nightmare-inducing villain to return.

*The Child Catcher returns, wearing a different hat and a colorful robe over his usual attire.*

**Child Catcher:** Here we are, children! \*rings a bell\* Come and get your lollipops!

**Diva:** \*voiceover, shudders again\* He's even more grotesque now! Is there any child who would see this and not run screaming for their parents? Even these two twerps aren't stupid enough to-

*Sure enough, Jeremy and Jemima fall for the Child Catcher's trap, and he shoves them into his cage wagon. Cut to a short clip of Dot from "Animaniacs".*

**Dot Warner:** Wow, dumber than advertised.

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* On the other hand...

* **Sin 6: I guess they ARE that stupid.**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* So, on top of needing to rescue his dad *and* the car, Potts now needs to get his kids out of the palace tower as well. And the only allies he has are Truly, the toymaker, and the village children who've been hiding out in the palace sewers ever since the Baroness banned them. Luckily, tomorrow is the Baron's birthday, and the toymaker is expected to present a fabulous gift in his honor. What better way to smuggle Potts and Truly into the castle than by disguising them as lifelike automatons?

*Caractacus and Truly perform a musical number while disguised as dolls, much to the delight of the Baron's subjects.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Hey, it's a musical. No clever scheme is complete without a song and dance routine. And admit it, it's pretty impressive that Van Dyke can move like that. All this is a distraction, so the children can climb up into the castle and run amok. I think this was the part of the plan Benny Hill was responsible for.

*"Yakety Sax" plays as chaos ensues in the baron's banquet hall.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Jeremy and Jemima are rescued, grandfather is rescued, the Child Catcher gets caught, the Baron and the Baroness are caged, and everybody piles into the car, and...

**Caractacus:** So, after that, Vulgaria became a free country.

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Oh, yeah, I forgot. That was all just a story Potts told them on the beach, wasn't it? Well, that... kind of sucks. In fact, that's Sin number seven. About half the movie never actually happened.

* **Sin 7: Well, THAT was pointless...**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Basically, what we've got is this goofball inventor who bumbles his way into buying an old car, restores it, and goes to the beach with his kids and his girlfriend, and he makes up a story... and it's not even a very good story. How did Chitty do all those fantastic things? What was the point of the old guys in the palace dungeon? Did we really need to hear about the Baroness in her lingerie? What sort of sick mind comes up with *this* guy (the Child Catcher) anyway? Bottom line, if your movie boils down to someone telling a story, it had better be a *damn good story.*

*Cut to a poster for the 1987 fantasy adventure comedy film, "The Princess Bride".*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Oh, and Truly and Potts are in love now, but there's this whole class division between them and Potts doesn't think it can be overcome. It would take a miracle for him to aspire to her level... like, say - just as a random example - Lord Scrumptious turning out to be an old army buddy of grandfather's, and deciding to market the candy whistle from way back at the beginning of the movie as dog treats, and Potts getting the standard 'rich and famous' contract to sign right there on the spot. \*beat\* Well, that takes care of that, then. Happy endings all around. It just goes to show you: anything can happen if you follow your dreams and believe the impossible... and have an absurd amount of *sheer dumb luck.*

## The Verdict

**Diva:** "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" is a bit of a patchwork of a movie and some of those patches are actually not that bad. The car is neat, the score has its moments, and Van Dyke is an old-school song and dance man who's very entertaining to watch. On the other hand, the first half of the movie is slow, the second half is bizarre and ultimately pointless, and the kids are so annoying that they almost *deserve* the Child Catcher... no, I take that back. *Nobody* deserves the Child Catcher. But somebody needs to take the fall for this, so the court of Musical Hell orders these punishments. For being cloying, shrill, and generally off-putting simulacrums of actual children, we condemn Jeremy and Jemima Potts to attend a boarding school run by *(cut to photos of...)* Agatha Trunchbull, Dolores Umbridge, and Wackford Squeers. For being so absorbed in his inventions that he neglects to spend time with his own children, we condemn Caractacus Potts to the *horrible* fate of... spending more time with his own children. Finally, for a history of saddling their female characters with such humiliating names, we condemn Roald Dahl and Ian Fleming to be reincarnated as women named "Honey Trap" and "Sweetheart Lovelymuffins".

*Cut to a photo of a pair of beautiful women.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* So, let it be recorded. This session of the Infernal Court in Musical Hell is now adjourned.