Pilot

S1:E1 of *Vader and Palpatine*

written by Night

(full credits)

Palpatine watched as Vader and a bunch of his stormtroopers--the 505th? the 623rd? the 10298574th? he had no idea what they were called--boarded a shuttle together, laughing. *I want to do something like that...* he thought. *How come no one ever wants to hang out with me? I'm very approachable, you know!* He flashed a yellow, toothy grin at himself in the mirror-like floors of the Death Star.

*Y'know,* he thought, holding a finger to his chin, *I should join* their *hangout! I can chill with them! I'm sure they'll have lots of fun with me being around. After all, nothing where I'm not around is fun, so...*

Palpatine confidently strode up to Vader, who slapped his face as if greatly exasperated by something. Palpatine looked behind himself, trying to figure out what it was. "So, D-Vades," Palpatine said, throwing his arm around Vader's shoulders.

"What?" asked the Sith Lord. He sounded peculiarly annoyed by something.

"Well," said Palpatine in a slow, excited voice, "I was thinking that I could join you and the boys!" His voice had grown progressively higher as he spoke, ending in an exclamation.

Silence filled the area around him and Vader for a few seconds. "Sure," said Vader, not sounding enthusiastic.

"Oh, come on, it'll be great! What are you planning on doing?"

"Well," said Vader reluctantly, "we're going to Mustafar. We're going to hang out in my castle."

"Ah!" said Palpatine. "I'll do ya one better! We'll--"

"Wha-- what do you mean you'll 'do me one better?' This is *my* hangout!"

"Not anymore, my big tin buddy," said Palpatine dryly, punching Vader's shoulder.

"This isn't tin!" shouted Vader. "It's *obsidian*!"

"Not any more, mi bucko," Palpatine retorted. "Now come on!"

As they boarded the shuttle--Vader sulking because an old man had just ruined his day, Palpatine ecstatic to have something to do other than stare out the window at space all day--Palpatine proceeded to explain his idea of how the hangout would go. First, they would make their own pizzas inside Castle Vader, then go to the lava rivers and use them like ovens. Then they'd all go to Vader's dining room and eat the pizzas.

When they were finished, they'd all just chill and play games.

"So," said Palpatine to Vader, "whadaya think...?"

"It's... great," Vader lied. This was going to be a long flight.

\* \* \*

After a few minutes of silence aboard the shuttle, Palpatine said, "So? What food does everyone like to eat?"

The stormtroopers were in the main hold of the shuttle. *Lambda*-classes were only meant for a few people, so the stormtroopers went where cargo would normally be. Palpatine was talking to the shuttle pilot and Vader.

"Pizza, I guess?" said Vader.

"Chocolate?" said the shuttle pilot. "Or ice cream," she added. Cutting off the beginning of Palpatine's next sentence, she added "Or maybe lasagna. Or a bagel. Or--"

"Just shut up!" shouted Palpatine. "I don't really care that much. I was just asking so I could tell you my favorite food. Anyway, I like Chunky Onion Soup."

Any sharp retort that was stirring up inside the pilot was quenched by the "Chunky Onion Soup" comment.

"Chunky *what*?" asked Vader, clearly confused.

"*Chunky Onion Soup*," Palpatine spelled out for him slowly. "Soup with chunkily-cut onions."

"You mean French Onion Soup, right?" said the shuttle pilot.

"No. Chunky Onion Soup. I was very clear," said an indignant Palpatine.

"Where does that come from?" asked Vader. "The Imperial Kitchen?"

"No, dumbo," said Palpatine. "It comes from Galactic Crap. Y'know, the fast food chain? I got it from the one orbiting Coruscant. Dex runs it."

"Dex? Like *Dexter Jettster*? Isn't he wanted by the Empire for befriending Obi-Wan Kenobi during the Clone Wars?" asked the shuttle pilot.

"Dex..." said Vader. "A presence I have not felt since... wait, no... yes! No. Wait... maybe... yes! So familiar..."

"Uh..." said Palpatine, "so anyway, I ordered not to have Dex arrested. Y'know, 'cause of the Chunky Onion Soup. He's got the closest Galactic Crap to my palace, so..."

"So you decided to let a criminal stay out of jail?" finished the shuttle pilot, dismayed.

"That's how I operate, sister," said Palpatine. "Vader, maybe we can go there after Mustafar?"

"Oh, no..." said Vader, trailing off. Palpatine thought he heard faint, metallic sobbing from behind the mask of... what was it... granite? Wait, no, it was obsidian.

*Still looks like tin,* thought Palpatine.

"Is my snot green?" asked Vader after a minute-and-a-half pause.

"Wh-- is your *what*?" replied Palpatine.

The shuttle pilot seemed to be staying out of this one.

"Once, you told me my snot was green. Is it?" Vader asked again.

"I-- I don't know... I mean, I can't really see it."

"Well, I can't tell either!" Vader complained.

"You blow your nose, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Don't you ever look inside the tissue after you do it?"

Vader was silent.

"One time I ate the snot. It was--" Palpatine was cut off mid-sentence.

"I'm gonna stop you right there," Vader said.

"Anyway," Palpatine told him, "this wouldn't be a problem if you hadn't been so stupid 19 years back and gotten all your limbs cut off! Then you wouldn't be wearing that big black garbage can over your face."

Vader was silent. "That *what*?"

"Big black garbage can."

Vader didn't reply.

\* \* \*

The bright red and orange lava of Mustafar stood in stark contrast to the hazy volcanic ash and smoke that filled the sky. Palpatine's ideal backdrop.

Though he did miss Naboo, his homeworld... he'd been there not that long ago, he thought. *Only like... wait... holy crap--okay, I haven't been to my home in like, seventy-five years. Since I killed my parents. I don't think many people there like me that much.*

He'd met Jar Jar Binks once--he was definitely a Sith Lord. *And people call me a manipulative Sith!* thought Palpatine. *Ironic.* Then he caught himself in a meme and stopped talking.

But Darth Jar Jar filled his head. "Mesa muy muy evil! Exqueeeeeese me, mesa thinkin' I shoulds cut yoursa head off!"

Palpatine shivered, then shook his head to clear it of Darth Jar Jar thoughts.

The shuttle landed on the pad at Castle Vader, and all the stormtroopers exited the vehicle. "Finally," said one of them. "I kept hearing the Emperor fighting Lord Vader up in the cockpit!" said a second one.

"Yeah, me too," replied the first. "Sounded like they were pretty angry. Palpatine said--"

"Hey!" shouted Palpatine. "Hey, you!" He pointed at the stormtrooper, who gulped loudly.

"M-me?"

"Yeah! You! Come 'ere!" yelled the Emperor.

The stormtrooper came up to him and saluted. "What is it, my lord?"

"If I hear you talking about me again like that..." he raised his hands. "Zappity zappity!"

Palpatine let purple-blue lightning flicker between his fingers, crackling in the air around him.

"Yes, sir!" The soldier saluted again and walked away.

"Ugh. Idiots," Palpatine muttered under his breath.

"What?" asked Vader, turning his helmeted head.

"Uh... I think they're very smart!" said Palpatine. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," he added under his breath when Vader turned away.

"The 501st," said Vader admiringly after about thirty seconds. "So brave. They served with me during the Clone Wars, you know."

*501st. Huh. So that's what they're called. Well, 10298574th was pretty close,* Palpatine mused. "Nobody cares, Vader," he added out loud. "Where's the pizza? Come on, gimmie some. What flavor?"

Vader looked at him, silent.

"I can't see your face, y'know. 'Cause of that huge tin can on your head."

Vader sighed heavily. "Plain pizza, with cheese."

"Plain, *with cheese*? Seriously, Vader; plain pizza *is* pizza with cheese!"

"Oh," Vader said thoughtfully. "Plain pizza with extra cheese, then."

The Sith Lord walked away to consult his men and see if they were okay with extra cheese.

"Humph. 'Plain pizza with cheese.' Ha!" Palpatine mocked the other Sith under his breath.

Eventually, they got some pizza dough and stuff--Palpatine had no idea how to make pizza, so he had Vader do it for him--and then went down to the lava rivers.

Palpatine had four stormtroopers carry him on a litter, while he whipped them and hurled insults at them to make them go faster.

Vader looked on the whole time, looking utterly embarrassed to know Palpatine.

Finally, when they got there, Palpatine got a lava harvesting cauldron and filled it with the steaming hot liquid. He crept up behind Vader and poured some on his foot, causing the other Sith to fall over in pain while Palpatine laughed at him. When Vader didn't seem to be laughing along with him, Palpatine said, "Hey, D-Vades! Where's your sense of humor?"

Then Palpatine realized that the lava was hardening into igneous rock around Vader's burnt foot. "Oooh... sorry, buddy. Heh." Palpatine punched Vader's shoulder and sidled away. "Also," he added, throwing his pizza into the lava and watching it burn, "I really don't like extra cheese. Can we get something else?"

"No," Vader told him.

The rest of the time at the lava river was pretty unenjoyable--apparently Vader didn't like having 1,000 degree lava poured on his foot. Where was the guy's sense of humor?

Eventually, the lot of them went back to Vader's castle--Vader because he couldn't move his foot, the stormtroopers because they went wherever he went, and Palpatine because he was annoyed at the thought of standing by a lava river alone--and ate their pizzas. Palpatine stole a slice of Vader's while he wasn't looking.

Soon, the party was over, and all the stormtroopers and the Sith Lords boarded the shuttle to fly back to Coruscant.

"That was pretty fun," Palpatine said to Vader. "Y'know, I've never been to one of your hangouts with the boys before! It was great!"

"Yeah. It was awesome," Vader said dryly, his voice full of fake enthusiasm.

"I am great at analyzing people's emotions," Palpatine said, accompanying his words with a hand gesture, "and I *believe* you're not sincere."

"Whatever do you mean?" Vader asked, his words dripping with angered sarcasm.

Palpatine left it there. Vader was a lot bigger than him, and worked out for 8 hours a day.

Palpatine could get in 30 seconds on his best day before collapsing of exhaustion and having a heart attack.

The shuttle landed back on Coruscant and Vader said goodbye to everyone. Palpatine just stood there. *How long does it take to say goodbye to a few troopers?*

That was before Palpatine realized that Vader was having a whole *conversation* with *every single trooper that came out of the shuttle*.

This made Palpatine very annoyed, and caused him to scream, "Come *on*, Vader! Can you go *a little* faster? *Some of us* here aren't even *friends* with these people!"

Vader gave the last stormtrooper a pat on the back, a few words, and an apologetic nod before walking back over to Palpatine.

"Guess what?" said Palpatine.

"What?"

"No, guess," Palpatine told him.

"No!" Vader replied. "I don't want to!"

"Why not?" asked Palpatine. "Scared you'll get it wrong?"

Palpatine began to run around Vader in circles, moving his arms up and down and clucking like a chicken until Vader said, "Bowling?"

"Wrong!" shouted Palpatine. "Yes! I win!"

Vader looked very confused.

"Uh... anyway," Palpatine said, clearing his throat, "I'm taking you to Galactic Crap to have some Chunky Onion Soup."

Vader practically turned green.

"What, you don't like trying new food?" Palpatine asked, wrinkling up his forehead--somehow more than it was already wrinkled--in perplexion.

"Uh, no, I just... I just think I'm gonna pass on this one," Vader said slowly.

"No, no, no, I insist! Come on, it'll be fun!"

Palpatine basically hauled Vader aboard the shuttle, and they took off for Galactic Crap.

Palpatine might have thought Vader was crying the whole time, if not for his breathing's indication. Being the master of reading emotions that he was, Palpatine utilized all the tools at his disposal. Vader's breathing made it quite obvious if the cyborg was crying. If it was chopped up, and it sounded like he was heaving each breath in and out more than usual, he was crying. If not, he was fine.

So Palpatine took this indication to mean that Vader was eager to get his hands on some Chunky Onion Soup.

The line at Galactic Crap was very--wait, no, there was no line.

*That's weird,* Palpatine thought as they walked into the restaurant. No one was there, except for Dex. Vader went over in a corner and got a seat, then sat down and sobbed.

"Hey, Dex, is buisness rough lately?" Palpatine asked.

"Huh? Oh, oh, uh, yeah... I guess..." Dex said. "But we're doin' fine."

"Vader!" shouted Palpatine.

The Sith in black armor got up from his seat quickly, coming to his Emperor's side. "Yes, Master?"

"Uh, do me a favor and bring up a list of all Galactic Crap's sales for last year."

Dex looked mildly terrified.

That was also weird.

"Hmm, let's see here," Palpatine said, scrolling down the list. "Sheev Palpatine, Sheev Palpatine, Sheev Palpatine, Sheev Palpatine, Sheev Palpatine, Sheev Palpatine, Sheev Palpatine, Sheev Palpatine, Sheev Palpatine, Sheev Palpatine... I think there's a pattern!"

Dex shrank back in his seat.

"*All the customers' names* start with the letter 's'!" Palpatine exclaimed.

"Uh... I guess you could say that," Dex replied.

"Master, look again," Vader told Palpatine.

*What does he mean 'look again?',* Palpatine wondered to himself. *I looked, I found the pattern, and I addressed it! What else do I have to do? Geez!*

"Oh... wait... wait... got it! All the last names start with 'p'!"

Vader slapped his helmet in annoyance. "Master, it's *all you!*"

"Oh yeah. Huh, didn't notice that."

*So, I kept a restaurant in buisness all by myself for a full year. Impressive.* Palpatine mimicked Vader silently: *Most impressive.*

"Vader, pull up the sales records for the last ten--y'know what, never mind, I don't wanna know how many of those Chunky Onion Soups I've eaten," Palpatine decided after some thought.

He heard a strange, video game-like sound from behind him.

"Dex, shut that thing *off!*" shouted Palpatine. "I'm *not* in the mood for--" Palpatine immediately stopped when he saw that the game was on Dex's *chin*.

Dex looked up. "Uh... sorry." He looked back down, and the distinct "Mario jumping" sound came from the Nintendo Switch on his enormous chin. "Just gotta finish this level... Dang it! Stupid Koopa Troopas!" Dex's movements suddenly became very violent. "Frickin' Goombas! I'm gonna knock you off a cliff, and watch your body break on the *ground!*"

*So that's why his chin is so huge!* Palpatine thought.

Vader had gone back over to the booths and grabbed two seats, gazing listlessly at the menu. Palpatine knew when he had an oppurtunity: one opponent absorbed in his game, the other, a potential threat, distracted!

He lunged at Dex, grabbing the Besalisk's Nintendo Switch (so, violently taking a hold of his chin) and jerking it from side to side as they crashed to the floor. Palpatine made a few jumps in the game before Mario fell into the abyss, the Emperor's elbow digging into Dex's stomach as the alien writhed. Dex threw him off with his four arms and superior weight, fuming.

Palpatine utilized the Force--any Sith's greatest weapon--against Dex and summoned unearthly bolts of lightning from his seized-up fingertips with yellow nails. Dex dodged the lightning, leaping behind the counter and smashing glass bottles. The bottles spilled their contents all over the floor, causing Palpatine to slip as he rushed in for another attack. The Emperor felt something in his back crack as he landed, letting out a faint wheeze and staring up at the ceiling.

Palpatine stood up, and Vader immediately smashed into his back, bowling him over. As the two rolled along the floor, they grappled with one another, clawing at each other's faces and kicking each other's chests. The two brawlers smashed into the wall, the wind was knocked out of both of them.

Palpatine recovered first and picked up a broken glass bottle, slipping as he did so, and crashed to the ground. Vader got on top of him and picked him up by his cloak, hurling him into the wall. Vader turned and shouted, "Dex! Go! May the Force be with you!"

Dex, Palpatine recalled, looked extremely puzzled, and went back to playing Super Mario Bros. on his chin.

Palpatine hefted the bottle over his head, bringing it down on Vader's helmet. One of the eyes shattered, and with a mechanical groan, Vader toppled over and hit the ground. Palpatine began smashing him with the bottle, repeatedly scratching Vader and breaking the armor. Vader's futile blocks faded as he tried to tell Palpatine that he was just trying to save Dex.

Palpatine continued hitting Vader, then plopped down next to his friend and said, "Phew, I'm tired! Want some Chunky Onion Soup?"

A yell emitted from the bowels of Vader's suit, and before Palpatine could realize what was coming, a gloved fist hit his face like a rocket. When he woke up, he was surrounded by Coruscant policemen.

After the police explained that Dex had called 9-1-1 after he'd realized that Vader was critically injured and Palpatine was knocked out, Palpatine began to protest. "I'm the Emperor! You can't arrest *me*! You can arrest him, he's just a normal Sith, but you can't take *me*!"

"Uh... we're allowed--by your law--to hold you for up to 24 hours."

After some more arguing--and and arm wrestling contest that didn't go well for Palpatine--they were led away to Coruscant Prison.

Watching the Imperial News Network, Palpatine saw the Death Star, with Grand Moff Tarkin (one of the Empire's most important officers) on board, close in on Yavin IV.

"Firing on Yavin in 3..." said a newswoman, "2... 1..."

"Wait!" shouted Palpatine, "I forgot to tell the gunners they had to be here this Saturday! Wai--!"

The Death Star exploded in a brilliant flash of fire.

END.