Rome I - The Roman "Mythology"

The episode

> ***"There once was a dream... a dream to PURGE THIS ROTTEN WORLD FROM THE BARBARIANS WHOM INFEST IT!! A dream, called Rome." ~**Dovahhatty's introduction to the series.*
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**The Roman "Mythology"** is the first episode of both Unbiased History and "The Unbiased History of Rome." On this episode it details the state of the world before the existence of Rome, all of the barbarian tribes who inhabited the Europe during this time, the birth of the Trojans, the subsequent war with the Greeks and the origins of the Romans.

## Synopsis

### **The Fall of Troy and the Legend of Aeneas**

*Main article: Aeneas Chadus Maximus*

Once upon a time, the world was a chaotic wasteland, populated entirely by shitholes of barbarians. In the giant strait of chaos, Greece, the gods bred a new race of people, a perfect people: the Trojans were born. As the progenitors of civilization, they were praised by the gods, and hated by the neighboring Greeks.

After Helen of Troy abducts Paris, the Greekoid king Menelaus twisted the events so that the opposite happened. The Greeks then swarmed Troy, starting the Trojan Wars, which were successful for the Trojans until the Greeks got the favor of the gods, particularly Jupiter. The Greeks then proceeded to decimate Troy, but not before Anchises had a child with Venus: AENEAS\*CHADVS\*MAXIMVS. Aeneas woke up from the piles of women he slept with to take his father with him on one hand, guiding the survivors with the other, and had beaten away anyone on his path with his bare dick.

He would then sail away to Italia, destined by the gods to do so and birthing the dream of Rome, but not before going to Carthage for supplies, where he met the thot queen herself: Dido. To get those necessary supplies, he would have to have sex with her, which he did for a whole year, but then Aeneas had left, causing Dido to burn some of his belongings and kill herself, cursing the Romans in the future. He would then finally land in Italy, becoming the king of Alba Longa after killing a local warlord. He would then marry a Trojan princess, fathering a pure-blooded family, a privilege his men never shared.

### **The Twins of Mars**

*Main articles: Romulus and Remus*

Centuries pass and Numitor is usurped by his bastard half-brother, which would end civilization had Rhea, his daughter, not had twins with Mars: Romulus and Remus. Under threat of being killed by the barbarian rulers, the twins were sent down the Tiber river, guided by Tiberinus himself, and raised by a she-wolf until they grew up and were adopted by a pair of shepherds.

Growing up to become great natural leaders, they were envied by nearby barbarian incels, who captured and imprisoned Remus in Alba Longa, provoking Romulus to save both him and the city from the barbarian threat, with the help of an army of farmers. Despite being untrained and outnumbered, Romulus' forces beat the usurper and retook Alba Longa, with the twins rejecting kingship, deciding to return to the place where the she-wolf raised them, taking the last pure-blooded Trojans, but no women, with them, beginning construction on what would be Rome.

However, over time, the brothers started to conflict with each other, especially on how they treat barbarians such as the Greeks. To prevent a power struggle, Romulus agreed to build the bottom half of the wall, and Remus building the top half, only for him to be pushed off by a barbarian, mortally wounding him. Remus would ask Romulus to name the city after himself and to avenge him by killing any barbarians he saw fit before he died, and thus the greatest city on Earth was founded, though the origins would be corrupted by Greekoid writers.

## **Tale of Troy (Expansion on the Events) - Read by Yuvitvs I**

The first half of the episode is based off a quick recap from the events of the Trojan War. One of our own wiki editors, Yuvitvs I, has read it to expand on the events in that section of the episode.

### Chapter 1

The Fall of Troy marks where Legends end, and History begins. The Tale of Troy starts with the story of Prometheus. Prometheus was a Titan, a giant out of the earlier ages of the world who was himself an Immortal, and though he lacked the powers of Zeus, he could do even Zeus could not: he could foresee the future. In the days before man was made, so the old stories said, Zeus fought and overthrew his father, Cronos - a horrible ogre who swallowed his children in case they should rebel against him. Prometheus disobeyed Zeus and stole fire from Heaven as a gift to mankind. In his rage, Zeus chained Prometheus to the great Caucasus Mountains beyond the Black Sea. But Prometheus then prophesied that Zeus would fall as Cronos fell, and that only he could save him - for he knew what Zeus must do to avoid his doom. Zeus threatened, bargained and begged, but all I’m vain. Then in his fear and fury, he sent a terrible eagle to feed day by day on the liver of the poor immortal Titan - the liver that night by night must grow again. But even under this terrible torture, Prometheus would not tell his secret. Time passed, and Zeus began to learn mercy and live through the suffering of fear which was also before him: for he knew that Prometheus could see the future truly. As Zeus began to help the humans, the age of Heroes began. Of all the Heroes, Heracles (Hercules), the strongest man who ever lived. He is sent to the Caucasus to free Prometheus. Prometheus went back to his work and Heracles continued with his great deeds, finishing with the deed for which Zeus had caused him to be born. Zeus visited the caves of the ocean and found that Thetis is as lovely and clever as he heard. He arranged that Heracles would be married to Thetis. Prometheus warned Zeus of the coming Giants, and that he could win the battle if he had a mortal man. That man was Heracles. After the battle, Prometheus persuades Zeus to marry a true mortal, a mortal named King Peleus. Peleus and Thetis would have a child. That child’s name would be cemented into the history books as ACHILLES.

### Chapter 2

Heracles, Peleus and Telamon (Peleus’ Brother) would kill King Laomedon, destroying the old town of Troy. His youngest son, Priam, became the king. He called the Trojans from near and far, and at his direction, they built a new city. Larger, stronger, with great gates, walls and towers. (WIP)

## "Trivia"

* Due to the satirical tone of the series, many events were changed or biased towards the Trojans and their descendants.
	+ According to Roman tradition, Romulus murdered his brother and named the city after himself, while in the series the one who does the crime is a disguised barbarian and dovah mentions it as a revisionism of the Greeks to make Romulus look bad.
	+ The Trojan War was portrayed was one-sided defensive victory by the Trojans rather than a decade-long stalemate that Greeks being unable to take the city yet the Trojans unable to drive off the invaders.
	+ the Aeneid (the story seen in the episode) was written by Virgil under the orders of Augustus to create a new origin for the Romans and glorify their new empire with a mythical past. Virgil wrote it in continuity with the Homeric stories but it is considered by modern literature as propaganda for imperial Rome and Augustus by proposing that the GENS Julia (the family of Julius Caesar and Augustus) are direct descendants of Aeneas through his son Lulo . on his deathbed, Virgil ordered the Aeneid to be burned to dissociate himself from the emperor's propaganda
	+ .Aeneas (the protagonist of the episode) is mentioned in the Homeric poems but only once and in a minor or secondary role.
	+ While unbiased history says that it was Helen of Sparta (troy) who kidnapped Paris, in the Homeric tales it is he who kidnapped her under the influence of a goddess.

* Based on archaeology and location near the southern mouth of Dardanelles in modern-day Turkey, the Trojans would be more similar to Hittites in terms of clothing and culture.
	+ In addition, the Greeks--at least the Mycenean forebears--would have been on-par with them due to adopting bronze weapons and their naval superiority.