What Goes Up...

**What Goes Up...** is the first episode of the second series of The Osbournes. It originally aired on the December 3, 2002.

## Summery

Sharon and the dogs are in the backyard. Lola the bulldog then vomits on the grass. Ozzy then tries to show off his knife throwing skills by trying to throw knives into logs. As Jack is in the car going somewhere he makes a call saying there are fans on the lawn and the sprinklers should be turned on to scare them away. Sharon then shows Melinda a gold filling that she had accidentally swallowed.

Ozzy then announces that he and Sharon have been invited to Washington DC for a press dinner at the White House. Ozzy doesn't know how to handle it and he doesn't know proper etiquette, he's a street guy. Sharon helps Ozzy pick out a watch to wear.

Jack then announces that Kelly has covered Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach" and that she would be singing it at the MTV Movie Awards. This leads to a scene of Ozzy dancing with Kelly while the song plays in the background. Jack then tells us that he had a part in Kelly getting signed to a record contract and Kelly discusses that she doesn't want a chick band.

Ozzy and Sharon leave to go to Washington and Sharon tells Ozzy that she got President Bush some cuff-links as a gift. Ozzy asks how is she going to give The President a gift. Ozzy says that he's the President...he's not allowed to accept gifts. They arrive in Washington and drive past the Washington Monument and Lincoln Monument. Sharon admits that she doesn't know who President Bush is and that Ozzy is starting to get stage fright.

Back home, Jack continues his playful attitude with fans and the sprinklers. Kelly then goes to rehearsal and she steals Jack's spritz bottle. Jack tells Kelly, "Just because you have a hit song doesn't mean you can steal my spritz bottle."

Back in Washington, Ozzy and Sharon are getting ready for their dinner and Sharon says that Ozzy looks like Harrison Ford. Ozzy says he looks more like Glenn Close. He then calls Sharon a cunt, but then quickly apologizes. He then looks into the camera and says, "I found out you can say anything to a woman. But you mention the "C" word and you suddenly get this feeling of death come over you." At the dinner President Bush says, "What a fantastic audience we have tonight. Washington power brokers, celebrities, Hollywood stars, Ozzy Osbourne." Then causes Ozzy to stand up with a big smile on his face and the crowd applauds him.

Ozzy then flies to England and Sharon joins Kelly and Jack. At the movie awards, all the attention goes to Kelly, while Jack is on a quest to find Natalie Portman. Ozzy introduces Kelly and she does a great performance. That night on the ride home they pass a McDonald's and Jack is happy to see that the McRib is back. This irks Kelly and he tells Kelly that it's the little things in life that make people happy.

The episode then ends with Jack continuing his antics with people outside his house with sprinklers and Kelly flies to New York to promote her album.

## Memorable Quotes

"*This is what I'm on about, simplicity. I've had this TV for around seven years. This is how it works, you go power button and it turns on. Simple clicker. Volume control, piece of piss! Works everytime. What the fuck's this shit? This is not allowed, what's happening? How do you get this fucking thing off?! JACK!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne, breaking his "good" TV

"*I fucking hate everyone in this fucking family!*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*This is my gold filling from my mouth. I swallowed it and it took ten days to pass through my body.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*I'm a street guy. I come from the back streets of Birmingham. It's all like new to me. I don't know how...the ethic is, I'm a slob, I scratch my arse when I want to scratch my arse. I'll be getting a dig in the ribs by my wife all night.* "
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Jack I'm not having chicks in my band, it's not a chick band!*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*That's being sexualist Kelly!*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*No, it's not I'm just saying...It's not Sexualist! Jack, you just made up a word.*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*Come on Sharon! I'm walking about like a fucking fiddler's elbow!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Better suck up to the old prezzy.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Just because you have a fucking hit song, it doesn't mean you get to "spritz" everyone!*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*That was the gayest thing you've ever said, "stop spraying my Prada jacket?" I wipe my arse on your Prada jacket, Jack.*"
— Kelly osbourne

"*Kelly wanted fame, I never did. Now that she has complete fame and success I'm happy for her.*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*Fuck off! I look more like Glenn Close.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I think you look like fucking Betty Boo.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Thanks a lot you cunt! I said the forbidden word there, I'm really sorry. I found out you can say anything to a woman. But you mention the "C" word and you suddenly get this feeling of death come over you.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*What a fantastic audience we have tonight. Washington power brokers, celebrities, Hollywood stars, Ozzy Osbourne.*"
— George W. Bush

"*I just want to say that was the best night of my life tonight.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I hope someone beats you up.*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*I hope your album fails.*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*McRib is back I'm so excited!*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*You're getting excited over the McRib?!*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*You know what Kelly it's the little things that count.*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*I'll tell you why your mum has so much shit, it's because she's the boss.*"
— Tony Dennis

"*I can't quite believe it cause it's all happening so fast. Just a few months ago our lives were turned upside down and everybody's off doing projects. Everything is... great for us. I think something's gonna come and, y'know, knock us on the chin cause I can't believe that everything's so good. I'm always like one of those people...Typical Jewish mother. Something'll happen it can't be this good...*"
— Sharon's final and ironic quote

## Trivia

* In the commentary it's revealed that the new dog Arthur was given away because he kept eating cat feces.
* Sharon's ironic final quote was said 24 hours before she was diagnosed with cancer according to the commentary.