あの日から。 (Ano Hi Kara.)

"My past and everything else is what makes me who I am."
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その扉の奥　消えない傷

封しよう　そうしよう

そう、あの日から。

喉まで出掛かる　いえない傷

今日言おう　そうしよう　絶対

ねぇ　どうして…？

声が　煙みたい　消えていく

こうして　今日も

昨日までの繰り返しだ

本当はね、わかってた

今のままじゃ伝えられないって事

過去の私と向き合う

それが先だって事

12月1日　金曜日

お父さんから欲しいものを訊かれた。

「わかんない」って答えた。

お父さんのこういう露骨でわかりやすいところは昔からだ。

12月6日　水曜日

お父さん宛に荷物が届いた。

中身はわからないけど、何に使うのかは見当がついた。

12月12日　火曜日

夕食の後、お父さんの部屋に呼ばれた。

「明日から出張でいないから、1日早いけど」

そう言って誕生日プレゼントを渡してくれた。

中古っぽいジャズのレコードとそのプレーヤーだった。

ジャズはまだちゃんと聴いたことがなかったし、本物のレコードなんて初めて見たから凄くドキドキした。

12月13日

あの日は朝から最高の気分だった。

誕生日プレゼントのレコードは私に革命をもたらした。こんなに凄い音楽があったなんて！

私は昔から熱中すると周りが見えなくなるタイプの人間だった。

隙あらば、クラスメイトにジャズとレコードの素晴らしさについて語って聞かせた。

本当に最高の気分だった。

そう、あの瞬間までは。

下校途中、クラスメイトが数人で談笑しているのを見かけた。

こちらには気が付いていない。

後ろから話しかけようとしたその時

聞いてしまった。

本当はね、わかってた

押さえつけてもいつか溢れるって事

過去の私を強く抱きしめて言った

本当はね、わかってた

キミは私と切り離せないってこと

過去も全部含めて

それが私なんだ

本当の私が

今度こそ君に

sono tobira no oku kienai kizu

fuu shiyou sou shiyou furenai

sou, ano hi kara.

nodo made de kakaru ienai kizu

kyou iou sou shiyou zettai

nee doushite...?

koe ga kemu mitai kieteiku

koushite kyou mo

kinou made no kurikaeshi da

hontou wa ne, wakatteta

ima no mama ja tsutaerarenai tte koto

kako no watashi to mukiau

sore ga saki datte goto

juunigatsu tsuitachi kinyoubi

otousan kara hoshii mono o kikareta.

"wakannai" tte kotaeta.

otousan no kouiu rokotsu de wakari yasui tokoro wa mukashi kara da.

juunigatsu muika suiyoubi

otousan ate ni nimotsu ga todoita.

nakami wa wakaranai kedo, nani ni tsukau no ka wa kentou ga tsuita.

juunigatsu juuninichi kayoubi

yushoku no, otousan no heya ni yobareta.

"ashita kara shutchou de inai kara, ichinichi hayai kedo"

sou itte tanjoubi purezento o watashitekureta.

chuuko ppoi jazu no rekoodo to sono pureeyaa datta.

jazu wa mada chanto kiita koto ga nakatta shi, honmono no rekoodo nante hajimete mita kara sugoku dokidokishita.

juunigatsu juusannichi

ano hi wa asa kara saikō no kibun datta.

tanjoubi purezento no rekoodo wa watashi ni kakumei o motarashita. konnani sugoi ongaku ga atta nante!

watashi wa mukashi kara netchuusuru to mawari ga mienaku naru taipu no ningen datta.

suki araba, kurasumeito ni jazu to rekoodo no subarashisa nitsuite katatte kikaseta.

hontouni saikou no kibun datta.

sou, ano shunkan made wa.

gekou tochuu, kurasumeito ga suu nin de danshoushiteiru no o mikaketa.

kochira ni wa ki ga tsuiteinai.

ushiro kara hanashikakeyou to shita sono toki

kiiteshimatta.

hontou wa ne, wakatteta

osaetsukete mo itsuka afureru tte koto

kako no watashi o tsuyoku dakishimete itta

hontou wa ne, wakatteta

kimi wa watashi to kirihanasenai tte koto

kako mo zenbu fukumete

sore ga watashi nanda

hontou no watashi ga

kondo koso kimi ni

Behind that door are unerasable wounds.

Yes, let's seal it away. But… I can't bring myself to touch it.

That's right, since that day.

I want to talk about these wounds, but the words are stuck in my throat.

I'll tell you today. I will. Definitely.

Hey, why is it that...

my voice fades away like smoke...?

And so,

today is just yesterday repeated all over again.

The truth is, I know

that I can't tell you with how things are now.

I'll have to face my past self

before doing any of that.

December 1, Friday

Dad asked me what I wanted

and I told him I don't know.

My dad has always had this open, easy to understand side to him.

December 6, Wednesday

A package for my dad arrived.

I don't know what's in it, but I think I have an idea of what it's for.

December 12, Tuesday

After dinner, dad called me to his room.

"I have a business trip tomorrow so this is a day early, but..."

he said as he gave me my birthday present.

It was a jazz record and its player. Both looked like they were previously used.

I haven't properly listened to jazz yet, and it was also my first time seeing a real record, so it was really exciting.

December 13

I was in a great mood that morning.

The record I got for my birthday changed me. I never knew such amazing music existed!

I've always been the type of person to lose sight of my surroundings whenever I'm passionate about something.

Whenever I had the chance I'd tell my classmates all about the greatness of jazz and records.

It felt great talking about the things I liked.

It really did. Until that moment.

While heading home from school, I saw my classmates talking and laughing.

They didn't notice me.

I was about to go and talk to them

when I heard it.

The truth is, I knew.

"Even if you try to bottle it all up it'll seep out one day,"

I said as I held onto my past self.

The truth is, I know

that you are a part of me I can't get rid of.

My past and everything else

is what makes me who I am.

This is the real me,

and this time for sure, I'll tell you.

Translation by **s**

**English Title**

Since that day.

**Japanese Title**

あの日から。

*Ano Hi Kara*

**Music, Lyrics**

Higateru

**Illustration, Video**

Arusechika

**Character**

Ayane