SpongeResort - Draft

SpongeResort

*[Squidward is laying on his couch, sipping his coffee, while ♪ Aloha Oe ♪ plays.]*

*[Shots of Squidwards house shaded in oranges to match the sunrise.]*

**Squidward:** Ah, Squiddy! It's a sunday mornin'...got my fresh brewed coffee, and Sponge--!

*[Squidward lurches in surprise, realizing a knock at the door.]*

**Squidward:** Ugh...don't they know it's Sunday morning!  It's the only time I'm not surrounded by idiots or grease!  Sometimes I wish I could have a...

*[**Music Stops**]*

*[Squidward is cut off by himself opening the door, only to see SpongeBob handing him his mail.  Squidward glances at the mail.]*

**Squidward:** ...free vacation...!

*♪ Nude Sting ♪*

*[Squidward slams the door on SpongeBob and lays down on the couch, reading the ad.]*

**Squidward:** Maybe a vacation could soothe my need for awayness.  Maybe I could finally accomplish some of my dreams, like, having an ice-skating play involving classical music and the hurtfulness of rock!  Ah, that would be nice...  I wonder where it's to.

*[Squidward continues reading, camera scrolls down to, where it says 'with the purchase of two other tickets'.]*

*♪ Dramatic Impact A ♪*

**Squidward:** WHAT THE~ Two other purchases!? Where am I gonna find~

*[Squidward grimaces when he hears a knock at his door.]*

**Squidward:** What does someone have to do to get some peace and quiet around here!

*[Squidward opens the door, and sees SpongeBob and Patrick, with a long stick shoved through both of their heads. ♪ Skipping to School ♪ starts playing.]*

**Squidward:** I don't wanna know.

**SpongeBob:** Hiya Squidward!  You wanna play 'Stab the Brain' with us?

**Squidward:** I'm already seeing a problem with your game...

**SpongeBob:** What's that, Squidward?

**Squidward:** *[head enlarges]* YOU TWO DON'T HAVE ANY BRAINS!!!

**Patrick:** That's not true, Squidward!  Look!

*[SpongeBob stomps Patrick's foot like a garbage can and his head flaps open.  Patrick digs around inside and pulls out a microscope.]*

**Squidward:** That's a microscope, Patrick.

**Patrick:** I call it a brain seeing tool.

*[Patrick hands Squidward the microscope and holds out his hand.]*

**Patrick:** Take a look!

*[We see what Squidward can see through the microscope, which is a microscopic sized brain.]*

**Squidward:** Well, you proved me wrong, didn't you?  Now go away, I'm trying to find two people who could vacation with me!

**SpongeBob:** Oh, okay Squidward!  C'mon Patrick.

*[Patrick bends over and lifts Squidward's house.]*

**Squidward:** Patrick!  What the flotsam are you doing?

**Patrick:** Looking for my donut I lost yesterday...

*[Squidward slams his door, causing Patrick to be crushed under his house.]*

*♪ Skipping to School ♪ ends when Squidward slams his door*

**Squidward:** I only need two strong, able bodied people to vacation with, and then my loading would be set.  If they were stupid, I could make them cater to my every whim!  Waaaait~

*[Squidward rushes to his door and opens it, to see Patrick struggling to get his head out from under Squidward's house.]*

**Squidward:** SpongeBob!  Patrick!  Would you guys like to go on vacation with me?

**SpongeBob:** Ooh!  Where to Squiddy?

**Squidward:** Umm...uh...on the paper it says 'The Great Barrier Reef.'

**Patrick:** I'm not sure if that fits our paticular style.

**Squidward:** It says here you get free peanuts during flight!

**Patrick:** It's a deal!

[*♪ Harp Ding ♪ plays when Patrick says this]*

*[Squidward leads SpongeBob and Patrick inside, and they start picking up his stuff and loading it into suitcases.]*

*♪ Gator 02 ♪ plays.*

**SpongeBob:** Where do you want all this stuff Squidward?

**Squidward:** In your hands.

**SpongeBob:** Aye, aye, cap'n!

**Patrick:** Where do you want this lava lamp, Squidward?

**Squidward:** Ugh! Let me see that?  Did you crack it!?

*[When Patrick hands Squidward the lamp, Squidward drops it and the lava melts a hole in his floor.]*

**Squidward:** Oh...uh...ignore that.

**Patrick and SpongeBob:** I think we're done, Squidward!

**Squidward:** Good, now we can set off for the Sea Port!

**SpongeBob:** HUH!? [*Lurches in Surprise]* Uh, S-s-squidward?  I've never flown before!

**Squidward:** It's not so bad, SpongeBob!  Why are you afraid of it?

*♪ Shock ♪*

**SpongeBob:** Well, I try to stay away from situations where I am at a height where I fall from could make me a meer splat on the asfault, you know?  I have no power over my own life!  And then there's also CRASHING!!!

*♪ Shock ends ♪*

**Squidward:** Oh...well

**Patrick:** You can be in the cargo bay if it helps!  It doesn't have any windows!

**Squidward:** *[Inner thought]* If SpongeBob and Patrick are in cargo, I could have the whole first class wing to myself!  Wing...heh...hahhah...because it's a seaplane.

**Squidward:** *[Outloud now]* Yeah!  I'm sure that'll help, SpongeBob!

**SpongeBob:** Sounds good to me!

**Patrick:** The sound wasn't the best for me, cause I don't have ears.

*[Bubble wipe]*

*[Squidward is by himself in first class.]*

*♪ Hawaiian Breeze ♪*

**Squidward:** Ah, Squiddy!  You've really done it this time!  First class, and first place in brains in SpongeBrain and Pat's case!  Hello relaxation, hello sleep, hello~

*♪ Hawaiian Breeze stops ♪*

**SpongeBob:** [voice from under Squidward] Hey Squidward!  Can you hear me?

*♪ Hello Blues ♪*

**Squidward:** *[Unamused]* Hello, SpongeBob.  What do you want?

**SpongeBob:** Just checkin' in on your voyage!

**Patrick:** Hey Squidward, you promised Peanuts!

**Squidward:**  Oh...uh...

**Patrick:** THINGS ARE GONNA GET CRAZY IF I DON'T GET MY NUTS!!!

**Squidward:** Here, lemme just-

**Patrick:** CRAAAZY!!!

*[Patrick grabs a drill and drills a hole so his eye can poke through and see Squidward.]*

*[Squidward jams a Peanut bag in the hole, then it the bag disappears.]*

**Squidward:** What happened to the peanuts?

**SpongeBob:** Patrick inhaled them.

**Squidward:** Whatever pleases the nimrods.

*[Squidward fills up the hole with other peanuts.]*

*[Patrick inhales the Peanuts]*

**Squidward:** What the!?

*[fills hole again]*

*[Patrick inhales again]*

*[Squidward's face starts drooping]*

*♪ Hello Blues ♪ ends directly after the Time Card*

***TIME CARD:*** Several Peanut Inhalings Later...

**Flight Pilot:** Okay, little fishies.  We have arrived at the Great Barrier Reef, home of the greatest barrier reef of them all.

**Squidward:** Oh, great!  We're here!  Time for beautiful sites, and luxury hotels!

**Patrick:** Hey, get away from me!  SQUUUIIIDWAAARD!!!

**Squidward:** And waiting for luggage...

*[Bubble Wipe]*

*[Squidward is waiting at the baggage claim, and SpongeBob and Patrick come out of the box with dangly things, and Squidward grabs them and his luggage.]*

**Squidward:** I always knew you guys were extra weight.

*[Both step out of the claim, into the reef, which has bright shades of pink and blue and red.]*

*♪ Leaf Blower ♪*

**SpongeBob:** What are we gonna do first here Squidward!?

**Squidward:** Why don't we find our hotel?

**SpongeBob:** On the pamphlet, it says Tentacle Resorts.

**Squidward:** We get to go to a resort!  They have pools,

**SpongeBob:** Pools

**Squidward:** Food

**Patrick:** Food!?

**Squidward:** And most of all, luxury art and rooms!  And, there's an art mueseum right across the street!

**SpongeBob and Patrick:** Art!

**Squidward:** Now, let's just see what's around here.

*[Squidward looks around, and sees a Landfood resteraunt.]*

**Squidward:** Hey, guys.  Aren't you hungry?  Why don't we go to the Landfood restaraunt over there?

**SpongeBob:** Ooh!  I've never had landfood before!

**Patrick:** I've had all the food on Earth.

**Squidward:** All at the same time?

**Patrick:** Yes.

*♪ Reef Blower stops ♪*

*[Bubble Wipe]*

*♪ Spongey Bubbles ♪*

**SpongeBob:** Wow, that "soda" was pretty good!

**Patrick:** It makes me bouncy.

*[Patrick starts to jitter, and bounces all up against the walls, until crashing into Squidward, crushing him against the wall.]*

**Squidward:** You simphering buffoon! Can you not ju~

*[Squidward lurches in realization, and then begins to smile.]*

*♪ When lurching, Q Vibe plays and Spongey Bubbles stops ♪*

**Squidward:** Why don't you two go down to the pool?

**SpongeBob:** Great idea, Squidward!

*[SpongeBob and Patrick rush out of the room.]*

**Squidward:** And leave an octopus to his peace.

*[Squidward literally deflates onto the chair, and turns on ballet.]*

**SpongeBob:** Y'know Patrick, maybe we should just stay down here and leave Squidward alone.

**Patrick:** That's not a bad idea, Sponge.  How about we just stay down here for three days!

**SpongeBob:** That seems logical to me!

***TIME CARD:  Three Days Later***

*♪ The last note of House of Horror ♪*

*[SpongeBob and Patrick look like prunes, they are all shrivelled up and wrinkly.]*

**Patrick:** My watch says it's been three days.

**SpongeBob:** My watch wrinkled into nothingness.

**Patrick:** Pssh!  That's ridiculous SpongeBob!  If that were to actually happen, it would make a black hole!

**SpongeBob:** Wow, Patrick!  Where'd ya learn that?

**Patrick:** Uuhhhhhhhhhhhh...

*[Patrick starts drooling until the pool overflows.]*

*[SpongeBob gets out a cork and plugs Patrick's mouth with it.  Water starts gushing out of his bellybutton.]*

*[SpongeBob gets out another cork and plugs every orphace on Patrick, even his pupils.]*

*[Patrick begins to shake, and all the corks fly out at once.  Patrick, grabbing SpongeBob, rocket up into Squidward's room.]*

*[SpongeBob and Patrick look at Squidward.  Squidward doesn't move.]*

*♪Tom Foolery♪*

**SpongeBob:** Uhh, Patrick, has Squidward moved.

**Patrick:** Hmmm... well....

*[Patrick pulls out a sheet of paper with angles and graphs on it, studying carefully, until saying:]*

**Patrick:** I don't know.

**SpongeBob:** *[Snapping in Squidward's face.]* Squidward?  Patrick!  We've gotta get Squidward outta his trance!
**Patrick:**Okay.  *[Pulls out Battle Axe and leans back, ready to swing.]*

**SpongeBob:**Oh, okay okay.  How about we do it less insanely?

*[SpongeBob swings a bucket in the air, and it fills with water, which is pured out onto Squidward.]*

**Squidward:** Huh?  Pool boring?  You were only gone for like five minutes.  Maybe you should go on back.

**SpongeBob:** Squidward!  We've been down there for three days.

**Squidward:** Well, why don't we hide and just go out into the city!  I've only been watching TV!

*[TV is a staticy screen]*

**Patrick:** I can't blame you Squidward, it is a pretty good show.

**Squidward:** The TV is broke you dim-wit.

**SpongeBob:** *[Yanking on Squidward.]* We...gotta...go!

*[SpongeBob's arms snap off.]*

*♪ Tom Foolery Ends ♪*

**Squidward:** Ok, maybe your right.

*[Squidward tries to get up, but sitting so long, he is stuck.]*

*♪ Dramatic Climax ♪*

**Squidward:** Uh...I'm stuck!

**Patrick:** Lemme help...!

*[SpongeBob and Patrick grab Squidward's nose, and the dramatic music increases, until the ♪ music ♪ ends, and Squidward's nose comes off.]*

**SpongeBob:** Uh, lemme get that for you!

*[SpongeBob picks up Squidward's nose and sticks it on his forehead.]*

**Patrick:** Now that's what I call art!

**Squidward:** JUST GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!

**Patrick:** We already did, if we did it again the writers would have to rewrite the same gag about your nose.

**Squidward:** ENOUGH WITH THE WALL!!!  Just pull me outta this chair before the bed-check comes!  We're supposed to be outta here... *[eyes pop out]* FOUR MINUTES AGO!!!

**SpongeBob:** Relax, Squidward.  If there were a bed-check guy around, we'd here his footsteps.

**Patrick:** *[Screaming]* And he'd hear us screaming!

*♪ Mission Improbable, starting 9 seconds in. ♪*

**Squidward:** *[whispering]* Shut up you simphering buffoon!

**SpongeBob:** How about we just hoist up the chair?

**Patrick:** Sounds stupid...let's do it!

*[SpongeBob and Patrick hoist the chair, and they start carrying him out.]*

*[**SOUND EFFECT: Footsteps**]*

**Squidward:** Oh no! I hear footsteps!

**SpongeBob:** It must be the bed-check...!

**Patrick:** ... Or disembodied feet!

**Bed-Check:** *[whistling]*

**SpongeBob:** I can hear his demonic whistle of doom!

*[When SpongeBob says doom, there is a thunder-crack sound.]*

**Squidward:** Quick, hide in this art-gallery!

*[Cut to the Bed-Check, who is whistling, who walks by a display of a statue, which is really SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward posing like they are riding a horse.  SpongeBob and Patrick are the horse, and Squidward is the rider.]*

**Bed-check:** Sometimes I wonder how they even choose the "art" that goes in this place!

*[When saying art, he does finger quotes.]*

*[As Bed-Check walks away, SpongeBob says...]*

**SpongeBob:** Hurry Squidward! My back is giving out!

**Patrick:**Yeah!  *{Bone Crack Sound}*

*[All of them topple to the ground, causing the bed-check to look back, but the three disappear after the cut to the bed-check.]*

**Bed-Check:** Stupid art.

*[SpongeBob and Patrick carrying Squidward to the exit, until they are cut-off by Fred.]*

**Fred:** Hey, Squidward! Long time no see! Why are you hanging around those two neanderthals?

*[SpongeBob and Patrick run over Fred.]*

**Fred:** My leg!

*[SpongeBob and Patrick, carrying Squidward, run into a doorway, hitting Squidward's head.]*

**Squidward:** You guys are my favorite potato beverage!

*[Squidward goes unconscious.]*

**Patrick:** Now's our chance to rip him out!  People don't feel pain when they're sleeping, right?

**SpongeBob:** Patrick that's totally false, though it does hurt less.  Let's give it a whirl!\

**Patrick:** WHERE'S THE WHIRLPOOL!?!?

*[Bubble Wipe]*

*♪ Earl's Revenge ♪*

*[SpongeBob and Patrick grab Squidward's head, and they both grab it and run, Squidward's neck stretches, but eventually snaps back.]*

*[Bubble Wipe]*

*[Patrick grabs the chair, and SpongeBob grabs Squidward's nose, and they both run in opposite directions.  They keep running until they run all the way around the world, and they are tied up in Squidward's neck.]*

*[Bubble Wipe]*

*[Squidward's nose is tied to a golfcart, labelled "Gatergolf," that drives away and rips Squidward's head off.]*

*♪ Earl's Revenge ends ♪*

**SpongeBob:** Uhhh...well atleast part of him is off! Hehehehehehe...he..he...AHHHHHHHHH

*[While SpongeBob is still screaming there is a Bubble Wipe.]*

*[Cut to Krusty Krab.]*

*♪ The Tip Top Polka, The Cliff Polka ♪*

**Squidward:** Order up, SpongeBob!

*[SpongeBob steps out of the kitchen with the order, camera zoom out to reveal Squidward's head taped to a broom-stick.]*

**Squidward:** Your change is $2.50.

*[Head falls off stick.]*

*[Episode cuts to black and ends.]*