Harry Potter and the Clueless Multi-Millionaire

**Harry Potter and the Clueless Multi-Millionaire** is an episode of the fictional television series *To an Outsider*. It is included free with Pathways: Jacob's Fortune and is viewable from the "extras" menu.

## Synopsis

Robert Jacob, a multi-millionaire icon, has only seen *Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone* with his daughter while extremely high. It's up to host Ash Holt to show Robert what he's been missing and see what bizarre explanation he comes up with. Robert is first shown a few isolated clips, before viewing the entirety of the series.

## Notable Explanations

### Hedwig Delivers a Letter (Clip)

*"What am I supposed to say? It's an owl. Should I watch it again?"*

*"Okay, so the owl delivered a letter to Harry that congratulates him on getting laid under the age of 13."*

### Flying Ford Escape (Clip)

*"Okay, so this bald Baby Yoda guy dropped ice cream on this woman, and everyone else in the parlor is a cop, they think it was Harry so they arrest him... by locking him in the ice cream parlor. Then, this kid in a living car, this car probably committed a hit-and-run before, not a clean record. Uh, this car tears the wall off of the ice cream shop, and Harry escapes. Two of the officers, maybe a cop and a townie, uh, they had an affair and they're too busy banging to catch Harry in time."*

### Patronus Practice (Clip)

*"Emperor Palpatine's drink was spiked with a giant amount of laxative, probably by some abused Stormtrooper, and now he shit all over himself. So, uh, Palpatine goes to Hogwarts and gets a bunch of magical ice sculptures of animals thrown at him. I think the goal is for the ice to melt and get the shit off of him. That's some pretty thick stuff, though, he almost looks like he's made of wood."*

### Centaurs vs. Umbridge

*"It's live footage of my wedding. Well, not really, but the gigantic guy with the fat belly is me, and my wife is the woman wearing pink. Okay, so they were going to get married in a forest, but these centaurs started attacking her. I lift my wife to save her but she realizes I'm too big for her and she doesn't like me anymore. She gets taken away by centaurs while two evil children watch. I was told that one of these characters is a racist, I'd say it's either J.K. Rowling or one of the Centaurs. But seriously, that's my wife and me to scale."*

### The Burrow's Destruction (Clip)

*"Okay, so a bunch of friends turn to dark matter and start burning down a huge, ancient tower that their enemies like so they're afraid. The friends turned to antimatter so they wouldn't get caught, I mean, they're committing arson."*

### Philosopher’s Stone Part 1

*"An old wizard, probably Dumbledore, strolls along a road at night with Green Grinch Witch, when suddenly Big Beard Man flies in on his motorcycle and gives Baby Harry Potter to them. They do what any reasonable person would and drop the baby at a stranger’s doorstep. The plot then leaps forward a decade and shows Harry living with his cartoonishly evil stepparents, having no clue what occurred in the beginning, basically rendering it pointless. On his birthday, Harry gets a letter, not congratulating him on having sex, but admitting him to Hogwarts. Mr. Potter hates Hogwarts for reasons unknown and rips up the letter. This leads to a part that was exaggerated for the movie where a tsunami of duplicate letters fills the house, leading to the Potters escaping to an abandoned island. However, when they arrive, Big Beard Man smashes the door and gives Harry the letter."*

*"Harry and Big Beard Man, or Hagrid, go to Hogwarts, where the Goblin Clerks sign him up. Isn't it kind of politically incorrect to make the goblins secretaries? I don't know, maybe I'm the racist one. Harry and Hagrid hit a vault where Hagrid takes the Small Sack of Awesomeness. We're not told what's in this bag but I presume it was a mystery in the book as well and will be revealed later in the story. This scene ends with Harry getting his very first wand and a white bird.“*

*"Just wondering, is this a kids' book? Hagrid opening holes with his long, pink wand implies that this is at least PG-13."*

**Ash Holt**: Robert, I hate you, plus that was his totally-not-magic umbrella. "The part with the letters was exaggerated for the movie..." Okay, let's go with that.

### Philosopher's Stone Part 2

*"Harry prepares himself for a trip to Hogwarts (whoops, that was somewhere else in the last part). At the subway, he meets Ron, Hermione, and a ton of other guys whom the viewers are expected to know. When they get to Hogwarts, Green Grinch Witch makes everyone put the Dump of Destiny on their head that decides what class they go in; Harry and his mates get Gryffindor, while the rich Aryan kid who talks shit about everyone is put in Slytherin class."*

*"Before lunch, Ron starts trash-talking Hermione because she's smarter than him and knows how to do magic that he doesn't. I think she ran off to the ladies' room, but when they just talk about stuff and don't show it things aren't that clear. This scene goes nowhere since before much else can happen Purple Orientalist Stereotype runs in and tells everyone there's a huge troll in the dungeons. Cue a fight scene against Shrek with elephant ears."*

*"After Ron snaps Shrek's neck with a club, the staff comes out from their hiding spots. Nothing important happens to my knowledge, but we are further introduced to Wizard Kylo Ren, a guy dressed in black who snaps at people and summons Evil Shrek. Green Grinch Witch and Purple Orientalist Stereotype don't suspect him at all because judging people on their appearance goes against Hogwarts' policies, but not J.K. Rowling's."*

**Ash Holt**: They pulverized that troll's head, Ron should get expelled.

### Philosopher's Stone Part 3

*"Before the scene begins they have a few lessons where the kids learn magic, but these feel like filler, not something relevant to the plot. With those out of the way, the Quidditch competition starts. Harry starts strong but loses his ability to fly because Wizard Kylo Ren casts a hex on him to make Slytherin's team win. Or to murder Harry, one of these or the other. Either way, Hermione saves Harry's life by burning Wizard Kylo Ren's cape, letting Harry grab the Golden Flying Navi, which I guess causes him to win the sport."*

### Philosopher's Stone Part 4

*"It's Christmas time at Hogwarts, and I assume Harry was good this year because he got the best present ever; a Cloak of Invisibility. While strolling around, Harry finds Dumbledore with the Small Sack of Awesomeness and the sullen Gray Suit Guy (some kind of security guard). Anyways, Dumbledore goes to a restricted part of the academy. Wearing his invisibility cape, Harry stalks Dumbledore to learn what he's up to."*

*"This prohibited section is Dumbledore's Hidden Laboratory, which has a magic mirror. Looking in the mirror, Ron (who Harry was able to get here somehow) sees himself winning a game of Quidditch, while Harry sees himself with parents who don't abuse him. While they screw around with this occult artifact that could potentially kill them, Dumbledore arrives and escorts them out of his unguarded hideout."*

*"After the kids leave, we find out that the trio is looking for something related to Nicolas Flammell. Given that we're an hour and a half through the story and the title makes no sense, I assume this is the Philosopher's Stone."*

### Philosopher's Stone Part 5

*"This part feels like basic filler, but I'm pretty sure hundreds of minor details have gone over my head. Harry and friends visit Hagrid's cabin where he has a baby dragon. They are then told on by Evil Aryan Kid because they weren't supposed to be there, and everyone gets detention. Their punishment is to go to the Dark Forest, where they find a unicorn getting killed by a demon. As the demon spots Harry, he tries to hide and gets saved by a centaur. I don't know when Harry allied with centaurs or why this one charged in if he hasn't."*

### Philosopher's Stone Part 6

*"Harry and his best mates leave their rooms at night on a quest to find the Philosopher's Stone. When they get there they're attacked by Cerberus. Cue a fight scene where nobody gets hurt. Harry goes deep under Hogwarts, cornering Purple Orientalist Stereotype in Dumbledore's laboratory next to the occult mirror. Purple Orientalist Stereotype reveals that he is the unicorn-killing demon from before, but somehow Harry had the Philosopher's Stone the whole time, causing another fight scene to begin. Purple Orientalist Stereotype wins and seemingly kills Harry but, spoiler alert, this isn't the case."*
*"Harry awakens in a clinic and the demon ghost didn't take the Philosopher's Stone, probably because he's a ghost and can't take physical objects. Dumbledore thanks Harry by giving a pleasant summary of what just happened, which I can't understand because I'm not reading the book at my preferred pace. Fin."*

### Philosopher's Stone Summary

*"Speedy story summary- Harry is enrolled at Hogwarts and follows the scheme of Purple Orientalist Stereotype to take the Philosopher's Stone, a mighty, magical... something. Purple Orientalist Stereotype is also a demonic spirit, but Harry wins against his plots through a chain of random Deus Ex Machinas.*

*"For the first third, I figured that I was getting the gist of the story, even if the details were muddled. The names are mostly incorrect and I still don't know what the hell the Philosopher's Stone is, but I understand the key plot points. Then the Dark Forest came up and it felt like those details would be relevant, and the climax made little sense. I presume the movie left a couple of key moments out - "Harry makes friends with the centaurs" and "Harry gets the Philosopher's Stone" had to be somewhere in the book, along with foreshadowing about why Orientalist Stereotype didn't just take the Stone. 'Only the chosen may wield' is an overused trope but better than making Purple an ignoramus who doesn't realize ghosts can't steal shit."*

*"Finally, what the f\*ck was Wizard Kylo Ren supposed to be? The first half sets him up as the villain, but he gets forgotten by the time Harry gets the cloak. Was he Purple Orientalist Stereotype's master? A tool? An irrelevant bad guy who will play an actual role in the later books? Kylo was more likely a red herring than anything else, but that makes the Quidditch scene make no sense."*

*"Whelp, time for Chamber of Secrets, where the shit I didn't get about the first book will probably be the most important parts of the story."*

**Ash Holt:** My inner ten-year-old fanboy is battling the urge to give a detailed description of what happened but that'd ruin your later synopsizes. I understand why you think what you do about "Kylo Ren", he's probably the weirdest character.

### Chamber of Secrets Part 1

"*Harry has moved back in with his sinful stepparents, who tell Harry that there will be no magic in their home and send him to his bedroom. When Harry goes upstairs, he sees Albino Yoda, who agrees with the Potters and throws away Harry's magical thingies, before warning him about something. Harry doesn't seem to listen to this and calls Ron who flies in his car to pick up Harry and take him to his family residence, the old tower that gets burned down in the later movies."*

*"Ron brings Harry on this trip to show him this enchanted fireplace that sends Harry somewhere else. Ron also uses the chimney but doesn't end up in the same place. Harry is teleported to a dim room filled with alien artifacts - the Chamber of Secrets, I think. Wherever it is, Hagrid waits for him there and they go outside to meet a bunch of new guys."*

*"Boris Johnson the British Bigot sits in front of a nearby library, signing copies of his book about magic for a mob of squealing fans... deja vu? Harry meets up with his mates and they try to walk away but are stopped by Evil Aryan Kid and Even Eviler Aryanyer Kid, his older brother, who take Ron's sister's books. Harry and Ron stand up to them and get the textbooks back, but this was part of the Aryan Race's plan - among the normal books is the Black Book of Black Badness."*

### Chamber of Secrets Part 2

*"Harry and Ron go to the subway on their way to Hogwarts, but can't reach the train since Albino Yoda (who I now know is Dobby) has disabled the occult wall. This sly plan amounts to squat since it was revealed in the exposition that Ron has a flying car and that wizards don't have age restrictions on driving. After getting to Hogwarts and doing the year's lessons, Harry and his friends find Gray Suit Guy's cat, who has been frozen and is dangling from a wall next to graffiti saying something scary."*

*"As evil magical energies shadowing the school is just Tuesday at Hogwarts, the Quidditch tourney goes as expected. Wizard Kylo Ren doesn't mess anyone up this time; rather, Dobby is magically throwing huge stones at the players on Harry's team. One of the boulders crashes against Harry and snaps his arm. Harry is sped to the infirmary and fixed up in a flash since the doctors are magical, but as he tries to leave Random Guy is brought in, solidified like Gray Suit Guy's kitty. Ron proposes that Evil Aryan Kid did this, although how he brought things to this conclusion isn't explained, maybe Evil Aryan Kid talked about petrifying people."*

### Chamber of Secrets Part 3

"*Harry and co go through a hidden entrance in Hogwarts' basement that students in Slytherin class live in. Harry and Ron use a spell that disguises them and they get in, where they make the frightful discovery of... nothing of value, at least to my knowledge. Um... Evil Aryan Kid's friends can't read?"*

### Chamber of Secrets Part 4

*"Hermione is found in the hospital, hardened like Cat and Random Guy. Harry and Ron go off to investigate the area where she was discovered, and once there they are antagonized by a Blue Ghost Girl who haunts the toilets. After yet another toilet-based scene (I get it's a kids' book but come on), Blue Ghost Girl throws the Black Book of Black Badness, or Tom Riddle's Diary, at Harry. Harry studies it and envisions the moments after Blue Ghost Girl's death."*

*"As Blue Ghost Girl's corpse is dragged away, a guy named Tom Riddle is lectured by Dumbledore, apparently as a witness or suspect in her passing. Tom finds Hagrid, who is trying to conceal a spider, this makes Tom Riddle mad (I assume he murdered Blue Ghost Girl with the spider) and Hagrid gets expelled. In the present, Harry drops the book and gets out, neglecting to notice the spiders crawling on the floor, and Ron's sister being possessed by Tom Riddle via his diary."*

### Chamber of Secrets Part 5

*"A giant swarm of spiders crawls in a line through Hogwarts and to the Forbidden Forest. Harry and Ron hide in Hagrid's cabin when there is a thump at the door - it's Dumbledore and Fancy Guy, who have come to arrest Hagrid. Before the men can take Hagrid to the slammer, Even Eviler Aryaner Kid (Even Eviler Aryaner Adult, it turns out, but adults aren't much taller than teens so I couldn't figure that out) walks in to arrest Dumbledore. Unfortunately, this doesn't become a*Monty Python*-style scene where many people explode in trying to arrest the last chap, and Harry and Ron instead follow the spiders to the woods to see where they're headed."*

*"Once the duo gets to the center of the woodland, they find the den of the huge spider Shelob that the other spiders were going to. Ha, thought I wouldn't remember Shelob. After a failed crusade, Harry and Ron are saved by the car, it turns out this thing IS alive, and get flown out by it. Harry and Ron go back to Hermione in the infirmary, where they find her pictures of the Frightening Face Emblem and the Sea Monster, which I guess she drew while petrified... how?"*

### Chamber of Secrets Part 6

*"Harry and Ron face Boris Johnson, also known as Gilderoy Lockhart, in his office, where he's packing his suitcase for a swift leave. After winning a Mexican standoff, Harry and Ron make him lead the way to the Basilisk's den, which is buried under the toilets that Blue Ghost Girl haunts. Once they get there, an avalanche blocks Harry off from Ron and Lockhart, and he must venture in solo. Once there, Harry sees Ginny Weasley knocked out in the heart of the room. Harry notices Tom Riddle's disembodied soul nearing him. Riddle exposes himself as the same spirit that impersonated the Purple Orientalist Stereotype and tries to get the Basilisk to kill Harry."*

*"Harry kills the Basilisk and Tom Riddle by impaling a Basilisk fang in his diary. Harry and Ron's sister, Ginny, are flown out by a big red bird that could be a phoenix, but likely isn't, note the lack of fourth-degree burns."*

"*With the bad guys thwarted (besides the spider subplot that didn't get resolved), Harry, Ron, and Dumbledore look over Dumbledore's journal in his office. Even Eviler Aryaner Adult brings in Dobby, who I guess he wants to trade for the diary. Dumbledore declines this request, but Harry steals the diary and gifts it to Dobby, who uses it to save himself from Even Eviler Aryaner Adult's hex and cast the "trip down the stairs" spell in retaliation. Now that the Basilisk is Benered, the kids who were chilled fully recover, Hagrid is also cleared for the crime he was arrested for and gets a round of applause for whatever reason."*

### Chamber of Secrets Summary

*"Basic outline: Dobby attempts to prevent Harry from going to Hogwarts, and, unsuccessful, Dobby harms him for no reason. Tom Riddle's spirit, who was the Purple Orientalist Stereotype guy the whole time, possesses kids with his occult diary, aiming to unleash a Basilisk from beneath Hogwarts. There's also a spider invasion, Even Eviler Aryaner Adult and Gilderoy Lockhart do filler stuff, and Hagrid is framed for a crime he didn't commit."*

*"Chamber was more complex than*Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone*, with five subplots that I couldn't find a link between. The worst case of this is the fact that I couldn't understand anything regarding Even Eviler Aryaner Adult, Gilderoy Lockhart, or Hagrid. While Purple Orientalist Stereotype did have a coherent goal again - unleash the Basilisk - I don't understand why this was his goal or why it's called 'Chamber of Secrets.' There were three rooms that this could've been - the room Harry is teleported to in the exposition, the indefensibly dull place with Malfoy, or the Basilisk's den; the cave was climactic and affected the plot so I assume it's that one, but 'Chamber of Secrets' implies something more notable than having a beast in it."*

### Prisoner of Azkaban Part 1

*"After spending the last two years trying to learn how far they can shove their magic stepson, it's the last straw for Harry and he unleashes his rage on the Potters. Harry rushes out, on his way to the magician hotel, finding a scary black dog gawking at him from a park. After getting to the hotel, Harry is handed a paper reporting a jailbreak at Azkaban. And because the exposition has made too much sense up to this point, Harry is suddenly assaulted by a murderous book."*

*"Harry and co get on the train to Hogwarts, but halfway through their trip the lights go out and the train is ambushed by the ghostlike Dementors. Hermione, Ron, and Professor Lupin (this has already made more things clear than the others will, idiotic-naming services will resume in a bit) try to save him. After Lupin defeats a Dementor, Harry wakes up from his admittedly scary trance. What kind of a name is Lupin? Is he gonna be a werewolf or something?"*

### Prisoner of Azkaban Part 2

*"We get the usual lesson scenes, but one of them affects the plot this time. As the tealeaf-reading class comes to a close, Harry's leaves are found arranged in the shape of the dog from the exposition. This disturbs the professor, who tells Harry that anyone who notices the dog will die."*

*"With this year's lessons finished, Green Grinch Witch takes almost everyone on a field trip to Hogsmeade, a Hamlet of Candy, but doesn't let Harry go. Is it because of the dog? The Dementors? Does she just hate him? Fred and George find Harry and hand him a magical map that shows a hidden path to the Hogsmeade."*

"*Upon entry, Hogsmeade is sadly just a generic wintry town with a candy shop, rather than one made of candy. Harry leaves the town, pestered by this glaring false advertising, and has a snowball battle with the Evil Aryan Kid and his servants who were bullying Hermione and Ron. When they get back to the Hamlet That is Not of Candy, they find Green Grinch Witch, Fancy Guy, and Ascot Lady putting up a wanted poster showing the escaped Prisoner of Azkaban, and talking about Harry. Harry puts on his Cloak of Invisibility and stalks their meeting, where he finds out that his parents worked with the Prisoner of Azkaban."*

### Prisoner of Azkaban Part 3

*"After Harry has told Ron about his parents working with the Prisoner, he returns to Hogwarts for the night and uses the magical map to find Weird Peter Guy. Harry stealths out of his dorm to find Peter, but to outdo* Chamber of Secrets*for bad mid-story filler, Wizard Kylo Ren appears and magics Harry back."*

### Prisoner of Azkaban Part 4

*"Harry, Ron, and Hermione are at Hagrid's cabin when things fly at them for no reason. Hagrid looks out the window and they find nothing. Hagrid also notices Dumbledore with an Executioner for Harry, which is too harsh, so the children escape out the back door. The children run away but get attacked by Treebeard, then the Black Dog arrives and drags Ron under Treebeard's roots."*

*"After killing Treebeard, Harry and Hermione go underground to look for Ron. The duo meets up with him in a hut, but Professor Lupin and the Prisoner (Sirius Black) are there expecting Harry and they engage. However, it is revealed that they're only interested in Weird Peter Guy, who was undercover as Ron's pet rat and was the perpetrator of the evil Sirius was arrested for."*

*"As they exit the hut, the moon turns Lupin into a werewolf, Sirius into the Black Dog, and Weird Peter Guy into the rat, they fight and then flee. Harry stalks them and finds Sirius paralyzed in front of a pond. Harry is then overwhelmed by Dementors, before getting saved by Adolf the Fluorescent Reindeer."*

### Prisoner of Azkaban Part 5

*"Harry and Hermione go back in time for reasons I can't comprehend and appear outside of Hagrid's cabin as the Executioner arrives. Hermione throws some shit in the cabin to notify their past selves while she and Harry hide behind a pile of pumpkins, a unique example of one of these scenes explaining past events clearly. Technically they're present events but time travel in movies always confuses me. Harry and Hermione bring Hagrid's pet griffin into the forest, and Hermione does a wolf-call to lure Lupin away from Sirius."*

*"Going deep in the woods, Harry and Hermione find Past Harry getting tortured by Dementors. Future Harry brings in Adolf the Fluorescent Reindeer with a charm that he had the whole time but didn't use the first time for some reason, and they flee before Dumbledore and the Executioner come to take Past Harry."*

### Prisoner of Azkaban Part 6

*"After going back to Hogwarts and the present, but the movie doesn't make the latter clear, Harry and Hermione find Sirius imprisoned in a cell on the rooftop, probably by Fancy Guy and the Executioner. Harry and Hermione fly up to him while riding on the griffin. The duo battles their way to the top in a last stand against... nobody? No form of Purple Orientalist Stereotype? Finally."*

*"Harry and Hermione save Sirius. Harry then goes to talk with Lupin, who is still on civil terms despite striving to murder Sirius the night before, I guess he isn't typically foul and simply can't restrain his beast mode. Ron buys a rocket-propelled broom that blasts Harry in the sky, but I assume that was made up for the movie."*

### Prisoner of Azkaban Summary

*"Synopsis; Sirius Black, a past associate of Harry's parents flees the jail of Azkaban where he was held after getting framed by Weird Peter Guy. He is chased by the Dementors, guards of Azkaban with a sinister name, and served by Professor Lupin, who turns into a werewolf and tries to kill him every full moon. Harry is involved."*

*"This was the only consistent plot thus far, and I understood the key points completely. Most of the fine details were vague however, I'm particularly confused as to why Sirius wanted Harry, it seems to have more purpose than him just knowing Harry's parents, but I don't know what this purpose is. I don't know how this ties to the ongoing plot of the series, at least* Chamber of Secrets *had the return of the antagonist, but this felt like a story from a different series, just with the same good guys."*

*"P.S. The only compliment I'll ever give to J. K. Rowling, and I still feel terrible for giving her any, is that she chose one model of time travel and stuck with it for the whole story instead of setting up a firm time loop and then allowing the heroes to change things later on as usually happens with time travel stories. This implies that I didn't fail to catch any inconsistencies based on my limited comprehension and that later books don't have a different form of time travel. Forget I said this if so."*

**Ash Holt**: This is the single instance of time travel in the Harry Potter books/films, so you're right about that. I can't wait for your next synopsis, mostly so I can learn how the movie deals with a 700-and-a-half-page book.

### Goblet of Fire Part 1

*"This book has easily the most complex intro scene in the series."*

*"We first see Grandpa walking to the Disastrous Fortress of Doom, and, having not seen a horror movie in his life, Grandpa goes inside to investigate. Grandpa finds two insane guys standing over a baby's bed and backs away but is struck from behind by a snake. The baby then stretches out and blasts Grandpa with a wand, murdering him. The scene cuts to Harry awakening in horror and we discover that this was a nightmare of his."*

*"Harry, Hermione, and Ron go to a meadow where a man who resembles an old Harry makes a portal. Everyone walks through and is sent to an area with a ton of big tents and stalls. They all go to one of the tents, where they find Ron's family, but suddenly the celebration is attacked by several KKKs who destroy the tents and the kids run away."*

*"By the time they escape the KKKs, the whole place has burned to ashes. Harry falls and everyone tries to get him up, but is halted by Dark Lord Stubbles (one of the guys from Harry's nightmare) who creates a huge flying skull with a snake in its jaws. After a brief battle, a crowd of adult magicians comes to rescue them and the KKKs teleport out of there, but Harry awakens to find the Skeleton Snake still in the sky."*

*"Quick question, has any match of Quidditch ever played out without an evil force trying to commit omnicide?"*

### Goblet of Fire Part 2

*"Returning to Hogwarts, a shit ton of wizards turn up to assist in dealing with the Skeleton Snake. We meet the Jarheads, Foolishly Acrobatic Man, the Russian Dance Twins, Huge Body with Miniature Head Woman, and the Pointlessly Dancing Girls. Dumbledore also owns a fiery Goblet. That might be significant, I don't know."*

*"Dumbledore touches the Goblet of Fire and makes it blast out the names of three of the students, which I forgot so I'll give them aliases; Buzzcut Ben, Russian Dance Twin, and Amazingly Generic Boy. These three students are sent to the front of the hall. Harry's name drops from the ceiling and Dumbledore decides this is close enough and calls up Harry. Eventually, Hagrid finds Harry and tells him to go somewhere with him."*

*"Hagrid brings Harry to the Dark Forest, which, for something that the dean explicitly states is forbidden, they go to a lot. Hagrid then shows Harry a few dragons that people are trying to get in cages. The two of them do nothing and Hagrid deserts Harry to go on a hot date with Huge Body with Miniature Head Woman."*

### Goblet of Fire Part 3

*"This part had a purpose, unlike the other 'midway through the story' scenes in the previous movies, but there's still nothing to say."*

*"Harry and Hermione hit a tent where the three other students who were chosen prior, I guess for the Great Wizard Game, are getting photographed while holding gold eggs. Harry is brought to a stadium where he is tasked with seizing an egg from a dragon. He succeeds."*

### Goblet of Fire Part 4

*"Harry goes back to Hogwarts where his mates applaud him for passing the First Task. Abruptly, the egg opens and emits a cry that causes all of the students to cover their ears. As abruptly, it stops making noise and closes. Harry brings the egg to Blue Ghost Girl, aka Moaning Myrtle, but not before he remembers that Amazingly Generic Boy told him to go to the bathroom. Because that makes sense."*

*"Harry reopens the entrance that led to what I think was the Chamber of Secrets but ends up in a radically different room, with a swimming pool and a living stained glass window. Harry and Myrtle have a dip in the pool and open the egg, unveiling that they're supposed to go to The Tiniest Sunken Town Ever."*

### Goblet of Fire Part 5

*"The next task in the Great Wizard Game is a diving contest. As the competitors line up, Tricky Dicky gives Harry a strange black pill. Harry sees nothing shady about this and swallows the drug, ending up infected."*

*"Harry neglects the infection and the competition and swims to The Most Decent-Sized Sunken Town Ever at the bed of the sea. When Harry reaches the city, he finds Sharkboy has abducted Hermione, Ron, and Girl Who I Don't Remember. Sharkboy did this at some point, I don't know why, but he takes Hermione. Harry frees the other two and rises to the surface, the crowd goes wild because this was a 'Leave Your Quest Test.'"*

### Goblet of Fire Part 6

*"The last task in the Great Wizard Game is to rush through a labyrinth and find a cup, I think it's the Goblet of Fire. Harry and Amazingly Generic Boy, or Derek, band up and go through the maze. Also, Buzzcut Ben is a zombie. Upon getting to the cup, the Goblet of Not Fire, both Harry and Derek are warped to a cemetery, where Weird Peter Guy and the KKK kill Derek before trying to cook up a spell. When the last ingredient, a baby, is placed in the cauldron, Lord Voldemort finally appears. An anticlimactic final duel ensues."*

*"The spirits of Harry's parents appear to give him time to fly, and Harry runs back to the Goblet of Not Fire to go back home with Derek's corpse. Back at Hogwarts Harry is approached by It's Over 9000 Guy, who has spent the whole film with Harry but not doing anything relevant enough to write about, who has a serpentine tongue and is despicable. Dumbledore assassinates It's Over 9000 Guy, revealing that he is Dark Lord Stubbles from the exposition. Dumbledore then opens up It's Over 9000 Guy's trunk to find the real guy, who was shortened and stored inside."*

### Goblet of Fire Summary

*"Speedy story synopsis: The Quidditch World Cup is crashed by a militia of KKKs who send in a huge Skeleton Snake and attempt omnicide. Nobody remembers this and let the Great Wizard Game commence. After Harry succeeds in the Great Wizard Game, the KKK gets tired of waiting for the plot to focus on them again and simply teleport Harry right to them as they revive Lord Voldemort. Harry escapes."*

*"This was the strangest movie in that the plot was reduced dramatically to fit a two-and-a-half-hour movie. It makes little sense that the exposition would be disregarded for the next two hours, so I hope that the book had plenty of scenes dealing with the KKK and their threat that were left out of the movie. Specifically, the ending feels like it was missing any amount of foreshadowing, as it is essentially 'someone who you hardly know is the bad guy,' with him dying a minute later before he can do any evil."*

**Ash Holt's comment**: Damn. This movie was a clusterf\*ck if that's your synopsis. It's Over 9000 Guy, as you address him, is second only to Harry in regards to prominent characters in that book. And Derek? Either you're remembering his name wrong, or they don't mention it and you just made a strangely close guess.

*"So this caps off the episode, I've loved trying to understand stuff that I would've overlooked otherwise and I hope everyone loved my synopsizes. This hasn't hit the air yet so I assume people will go on and on about how bad this episode was. Either way, doing this has convinced me that I should read the books someday."*

## Transcript

...

* **Robert Jacob**: If you couldn't tell from the title of this episode, I haven't read any of the books in the *Harry Potter* series. I've only seen the first movie while high as hell, I haven't gone to the *Harry Potter* part of Universal Studios, never getting a shirt of it. It's the kind of thing I'd love, but the more people tell me I should check something out, the less likely it is that I will. I wasn't there for the start, don't have the will to catch up, and most of the fans are insane asylum material. I'm not reading *Harry Potter*, and I don't give a shit if I'm a Hufflepuff in the afterlife.
* **Ash Holt**: Very uplifting. I assume that getting you to watch the movies would be meaningless since you're not getting the intended experience. Book-based movies tend to make little attempt to explain things for people who haven't read them, no?
* **Robert Jacob**: I've seen every *Lord of the Rings* and still don't know what the hell was going on. I was high during those, too, so maybe that's why.
* **Ash Holt:** Too bad, you're watching the movies. That's why you're here; to tell us the story from your weird perspective. This episode will catalog your struggles to comprehend the story of four movies based on the books. We'll start with a few clips that have no context for shits and giggles, but before that, let's set a few rules in stone:
	1. You will watch the first four movies in six parts each. After each movie, you will explain what you think was happening.
	2. *You can't look things up* - there are a billion sites where you could get the plot and character lists to make this easy, but that would kill the point. If the movie doesn't make something obvious then just guess, this includes character names. I expect to hear your alibis about Red Hat Kid and Darth Kylorennington the Sixty-Ninth.
	3. Following on from the previous rule, don't ask questions to anyone but the cameraman, someone's inevitably gonna try to correct you.
	4. By the nature of this series, there will be spoilers for the first four *Harry Potter* films*.* Most of these spoilers will be completely incorrect, but if you don't want to hear anything then stop watching now.
	5. Finally, list what you do know about the series.

* **Robert Jacob**: Okay, what do I know about Hairy Potty? Let's see:
	1. Harry and his buddies Hermione Granger and Ron Whatever are enrolled at the Hogwarts School for Witches. Each book covers a year at the academy.
	2. Harry is the special guy who was said to kill the wicked necromancer, Lord Voldemort.
	3. Harry plays a sport with brooms called Quidditch in which almost all of the points are scored by people in Harry's role, thus making the rest of the team useless and probably questioning their existence in life.
	4. Dumbledore is the dean and a guy named Snape murders him.