A Bucket of Blood (2016 Version)

"*Tonight's feature has been rated "a real far-out gone gas" by the Motion Picture Association of Beatniksville. I'm your Bohemian host, Mr. Lobo. Put on your rubber waders to keep your hips from getting hippier; this steaming java jungle is deep and thick with jive turkeys basting coffee customers with pretentious poetry.*"
—Mr. Lobo

## The Episode

### Wraps

1. Mr. Lobo is at the Java Lounge, to "espresso" himself. Unable to pay his bill, the irate manager orders him to bus tables to compensate.
2. Still at the Java Lounge, Mr. Lobo throws to commercial.
3. Mr. Lobo cleans tables and describes *Bucket of Blood*. (He doesn't like it.)
4. Mr. Lobo recites a poem for an uninterested patron. It's the theme song from the *Heathcliff* cartoon.
5. Mr. Lobo finishes reciting the lyrics from *Heathcliff*, to find his audience has committed suicide with a spoon. Mr. Lobo throws back to the movie as he tries to dispose of the body.
6. Mr. Lobo is serving coffee, made of the corpse from the last wrap. It's a hit!
7. Patrons are lined up for Mr. Lobo's "special blend," but he's out of his "special ingredient..." until a beatnik slips on the wet floor.
8. Mr. Lobo's coffee is a sensation, but he's driving away the clientele by being too "square."
9. Mr. Lobo is struggling as barista and takes a break, but his manager's service is even worse than his own.
10. Mr. Lobo is brainstorming name ideas for his coffee flavor. ("Soylent Bean." "Who Brew." "Cuppa Joe." "Organ Grinder." "Fleshpot." "Lecter's Choice.") Unsatisfied with these options, Mr. Lobo looks to his zen stick for inspiration.
11. Mr. Lobo is at the Trash Film Orgy, Trash Till Dawn, at the Crest Theater in Sacramento. He gives a tour of some of the *Cinema Insomnia* merchandise available at the "huckster's table," followed by a clip of a stage performance involving Pop Rocks, Coca Cola, and a bear. After a short, Mr. Lobo is onstage, feebly denying to the rowdy Trash Till Dawn crowd that he is a werewolf. Then a bunch of scantily clad young women and a bear have a pillow fight. It's possibly the same bear *Citation needed*
12. To Mr. Lobo's surprise, Miss Mittens shows up at the Java Lounge after having heard about his custom blend, but he tries to dissuade her from ordering it. She wanted a decaf iced mocha anyway.
13. Inspired by the movie, Mr. Lobo recites a beat poem about Bert Convy, almost instantly driving away all the surrounding patrons.
14. Following an extended commercial break, Mr. Lobo's Bert Convy poem continues until his boss yells at him to shut up and clean the coffee grinder.
15. Mr. Lobo's zen stick-twirling inspires him to mold a stack of what appears to be some kind of cake-bread into a nose. Like in the movie!
16. Mr. Lobo is using an incompliant Miss Mittens as a makeshift armature for his baked goods sculpting.
17. Mr. Lobo is trying to give background information about the links between tonight's feature, *A Bucket of Blood*, and another Corman film, *Little Shop of Horrors*, but he's interrupted by his hungry, now-sentient, Audrey 2-like coffeemaker.
18. Back at the Trash Film Orgy, Mr. Lobo briefly interviews the Devil.
19. Mr. Lobo tries to serve a vampire, potentially Dracula himself, at the Java Lounge.
20. Mr. Lobo is accosted at work by two official-looking men in suits, inquiring after his special coffee blend.
21. Mr. Lobo surrenders to the men in suits, but it turns out they're not the police, but representatives of a rival coffee company looking to buy his secret recipe.
22. Mr. Lobo returns to the Java Lounge to find it closed, run out of business by the opening of 4 nearby Zarkoffs Coffee stores. His boss asks for his help committing suicide, but Mr. Lobo has already taken his apron off.
23. Mr. Lobo implores viewers not to reveal the shocking ending of *A Bucket of Blood*. (That Walter hangs himself.)
24. Mr. Lobo plays a shock twist ending of his own, turning the tables on you, the viewer, and submitting that he did not in fact murder and grind human bodies into coffee, but that the scenario played out entirely in our own "sick, soiled little minds." He assures us that Mr. Lobo would never, ever, EVER work in a coffee shop. He then brings out the performers who played the murder victims to rub our perverted noses in it.

### Ads

* **Kaiser** Quilted Aluminum Foil
* **Star-Kist** Tuna
* **Ralston**, "Gremlins" cereal
* **"Rad" Abrams, Skate Board Attorney**
* **9 Lives** brand cat food, starring Morris the Cat
* **Folgers** Instant Coffee ("Sarge never made coffee like this!")
* **Ajax**, "New Blue Ajax Cleanser"
* **Chocks Vitamins**, Charlie Chocks and the Cloud Kids
* **Kowa Coffee**, starring Bruce Willis
* Intermission ("Let's all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat!")
* **E-Z Pop** popcorn
* **Candles, Krankor and You**
* **Kowa Coffee**, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger
* **Hasbro** "Wacky Wheel" (1971)
* **Pit Popper**
* **Sunkist** oranges
* **Pizza 'N' Pasta** pizza (starring *Mystery Science Theater 3000*'s Dr. Laurence Erhardt and Dr. Clayton Forrester)
* Anti-Smoking PSA starring C3PO and R2D2
* **Philip Morris** cigarettes (starring Lucille Ball and Ricky Ricardo)

### Shorts

* ***The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends*** clip (Bullwinkle on beatniks)
* ***Fix My Gas***

### Movie Trailers

* *Night of the Creeps* (1986)
* *Leif Jonker's Darkness: The Vampire Version* (1993)
* *Little Shop of Horrors* (1986)
* *Cape Fear* (1962)
* *The Beatniks* (1960) (Narrated by Paul Frees!)
* *Captain Nemo and the Underwater City* (1969)
* *The Fantastic Four* (1994)

### Quotes

>
> "*Look, Mr. Lobo doesn't carry money. Can't you tell by the films we show?*"
> —Mr. Lobo
> "*I mean, who can honestly say they've never had the urge to kill Bert Convy?*"
> —Mr. Lobo
> "*Not Ernie, but the other one. Ert-tu, Brute. Conman, V for victory. Put it all together, what's that spell? Today's Super Password is "The Man in the Santa Claus Suit," a Hero at Large. A Love Bug. Semi-Tough, and on a Cannonball Run. ...and under the rabbit ears, people do the craziest things! And who could forget those lovable Snoop Sisters? They had a Love of Life, and they knew, It's Not Easy, Win, Lose, OR Draw. Give them the THIRD Degree, and those Emmy Award-winning Tattletales. Who else could it be? Like, show me the only cat who could pull off a gig like the Late Summer Early Fall Bert Convy Show. Yeah, you know it. I'm just talking about...Bert. Convy, that is.*"
> —Mr. Lobo's Bert Convy beat poem
>

## A Bucket of Blood

### Box Office

$180,000

Roger Corman's muse Dick Miller is a meek coffeehouse employee desperate for beatnik fame, which he finds by accidentally killing a cat and turning it into a sculpture. Proceedings ensue.