Pablo Gets Lost

Hi, my name is Chris, and I'm currently at the verge of being trapped inside a massive vault containing nothing, but the finest of bitcoins. There is a coin man named Mr Crypto who is in the vault with me. The vault has a massive plank that you jump off into the pool of coins, and currently, Mr Bitcoin is standing at the top of the plank blocking the only way out, and the smile on his face is very sinister indeed not all the same dim witted smile that he flashed when we first arrived in Crypto Land. My folks over in Portland had advised me from going on the trek to Crypto Land, but like my mentor in the Easter Egg trade Ignitus I thought I was ready, I thought I was safe. Sadly, I wasn't. I almost got killed already a long time ago I went for a trek inside a large dark and damp cave entitled God's Mouth. Ignitus had accompanied me inside the cave, and he looked very shocked when he saw how far the cave stretched from here to yester year. Igntius was proper stupid as he kept going on about how we should head back to the port to ask for some directions, and I left him to be killed by the slowly closing in walls. I was able to escape, because as a ex junior woodchuck I was always advised to carry a stick of dynamite on me at all times. I used the dynamite to blow open the walls of the cave, and upon escaping I was rescued on an ostrich on a handglider. Also, Ignitus is doing well last I hear he is trying to get a stake in the local dragon council. Needless to say, I don't think he'll have much luck as his fellow dragons look down on Ignitus as he has a thing for hoarding Easter eggs, and whenever one of his dragon posse suggests eating one of the choccy eggs, Ignitus sends them down the river like a mad man or rather a mad dragon. We go a little mad some times, and Ignitus was no exception much as he wishes he could be. In any case, I never would have gone to Crypto Land expect I was inspired to do it by an episode of Backyardigans. I never watched the show much growing up, but after injuring my leg in the biggest hopskotch game of the year, I was forced to stay in the Spanish hospital where the only program they had on that wasn't in Spanish just so happened to be Backyardigans. Yes indeed, the wild and crazy adventures of Pablo the penguin, Austin the kangaroo, Uniqua the ladybug ailen thing, Tyrone the moose with ties to the Colombians, and Sasha a hippo who really needs to get an a in attitude and a b in rattidue! After leaving the hospital, I was forced to go back to Lampwick University where I became very interested in an animation course that was being ran by my old lecturer Doctor Paul Ruth. Doctor Ruth is a great man, and I will fight anyone that tries to tell me different.

A proper German custard in a half shell with a magnificent beard, Dr Ruth was a wonderful lecturer who really seemed to enjoy the material that he taught, but he was viewed as a possible scapegoat by the university in case things were to ever go awry. Dr Ruth had this weird obsession with how ripe orange juice was when left in a glass for two days, and he conducted a lot of experiments involving the ripeness of the juicy juice in an event he liked to dub the Ripe Program. Accessing the Ripe Program was no small feet, and Doctor Ruth rubbed his beard suggestively as he thought how to go and about accessing it. "To access the Ripe Program you need to access the Ripe Program." Doctor Ruth explained as he sat in his chair crying much to the confusion of myself and the other students in the class. On the last day of class before the October season, Doctor Ruth announced that our end of term project was to make an animation/short film all about growing up. I myself did an animation about a cave boy who sobs whenever a dinosaur comes by even though all the dinosaur really wants is clarity, and that's really beautiful in my humble bumble opinion. Some of the projects were really out there, and I have to be honest I fear to, but I must do as some of the students in my class clearly didn't take Dr Ruth very seriously neither did they take his teaching aide Johnny Crazy Eyes who looked like he smoked a massive amount of pink custard before every class. Before showing the films to the class, Dr Ruth and Crazy Eyes would watch them on their own first in order to see if there was any adult content even though we were all in our mid to late 20's. This was a precautionary measure favoured by Ruth as he also examined DVD's like the back of his hand before he showed them to the class, One time, a student brought in Marmaduke which has a big fat PG rating, and Dr Ruth refused to let us see it and he made us watch Shrek The Third instead which he claimed to have themes relating to the eternal agreement conspiracy. The big man on campus aka the university bully was a kid named Slab. Slab has been over 7 feet tall since the day his mother gave birth to him, poor woman. Slab's short film was about a gangster played by himself who breaks his back after vaulting over a table during a shootout with some out of towners. In his absence, another gangster beautifully played by Ronald Villers of Widdecombe And Pump fame took over Slab's rackets, only to end up running into trouble when the mob come looking for answers when a big bag of money goes missing. Ronald is tied to a chair by the gangsters with the lead gangster asking in a threatening tone, "did you take our money Ronald?" "Nah not me no, too difficult that." Ronald remarked without missing a beat. After Slab's animation was shown, a trucker disguised as a student in order to get their hands on the free sausage rolls came up to the desk of Ruth, and placed a testing cup on it, the same cups that are used for pee tests, and the trucker had taken a massive dump in it. Johnny Crazy Eyes was outraged by this, as he chased the trucker down and beat him to death with a baking tray.

There was one short film that Doctor Ruth refused to show, and it was made by an unknown student who just arrived in town the other day. I saw him getting off the bus, as I like to keep tabs on all the new people arriving in the city. He had a remarkably round shaped body, and you could almost say he was all round. In conceal his identity, the student wore a trench coat at all times something that was against campus rules, but allowed by Dr Ruth as he was known to bend the rules himself quite a few times. So, the round shaped man placed a DVD onto the table of Ruth, and the following day after viewing it's contents Ruth became white like a ghost and Johnny Crazy Eyes was nowhere to be seen. A couple of the university's enforcers and hatcheck girls were waiting at his apartment for him to show up, but he hadn't done so yet. However, Ruth refused to believe that Crazy Eyes could have turned States or been taken by surprise. After class, I approached Ruth as he was clearing up his notes for the day, and I inquired about the lost episode. Ruth pulled me close to the point that his thick beard was on my shoulderless shoulder as he asked, "do you know of the show known as Backyardigans?" "Yes I do, why do you ask?" Asked myself the narrator. Dr Ruth walked out from the classroom, and looked down the hallway both sides, and determining that no one was near enough in earshot to hear us, Ruth bolted the door shut and put a chair in front of it to stop someone from coming in unannounced. Ruth then handed me a small blank DVD disc in a plastic container which also contained a DVD for Ruth's all time favourite animated film Igor. He and Johnny had actually written up a script for a sequel entitled Igor 2 Igor In Paradise, and it would have been a heavy satire on government espionage and explain what really goes on in the Kingdom of Malaria when the cameras are shut off. I asked a few more questions about the DVD, but all Ruth managed to choke out was, "fear the mob little Pablo fear the mob." I headed into my dorm room. My roommate was currently stranded in Vegas, he asked me to call for help, but I never liked him none as I was hoping for them to room me with an Italian bird as a replacement. I placed the DVD into my roommate's ps4, as he wasn't there so I could do with his ps4 as I pleased. The DVD started with a brief copyright logo, though it looked more sinister than usual with an odd background of what appeared to be Squidward smiling at me, but not a happy smile a very sinister Squidy smile that says, "I just took a dump in your toilet without flushing it." Squidward... what happened to you? What happened to you?!

The DVD has a language select screen, and I was tempted to click on Dutch just so I could hear the Backyardigans speaking the Dutch, but I ultimately went with English. Then a trailer was shown, I assumed it was for a sequel to Freddy Vs Jason as it featured Jason Voorhees walking into Sainsburys, and he was holding his machete in one hand while the other was holding onto the detached head of Freddy Krueger that was now hanging from a piece of string. Freddy wasn't dead however, as he winked at the screen almost as if ole Fred was telling me to kiss Dr Ruth once for him, or something. Even the bad guys want him, I guess. Anyways, Jason Voorhees as turns out was a proper clutz as he had left his shoes untied, as a result he tripped and fell knocking over the store's display of Kinder Eggs, and he had to pick all of the eggs up while Krueger's detached head rolled down the aisles where an old lady would no doubt mistake it for a head of lovely filling lettuce. The second and final commercial featured the Red M&M watching the World Cup Final on his lonesome, and he looked like a proper custard cream. The episode then began to play and the theme song was in slow motion, and Pablo just looked scared, not the normal cartoony scared that you might expect to see, I'm talking about real fear. The truest of fear. The Backyardigans were dancing very awkwardly too as they were tripping each over up. Once the theme ended, the title of the episode came on screen and it read, "Pablo Gets Lost." The title card featured Pablo in a shopping centre lost and looking dejected.