Episode 5: Nick Kroll

"Episode 5: Nick Kroll" is the fifth episode of the Ronna & Beverly podcast. Hosted by Ronna Glickman and Beverly Ginsberg, the guest is Nick Kroll. Nick Kroll is one of the repeat guests on Ronna & Beverly. This is his first appearance.

## Intro Song

Beverly opens the episode by singing a song about the podcast to the tune of the theme from "The Flintstones" with the lyrics "Podcast! Meet our podcast! Beep buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh bah. Shaboom!" When Ronna tells her she did a direct rendition of "The Flintstones" but changed the words, Beverly objects, saying she doesn't remember that song.

## Animated Inanimate Objects

Beverly reveals that if Nick Kroll were an animated inanimate object, he would be a swiss army knife with little feet and little arms. When he asks why, she says it's because he's compact and small but then he comes out and jabs with his corkscrew (not in a dirty way, because of his mental wit. He can stab someone when they least expect it.) In Episode 59: Live From Montreal, she says he'd be a different inanimate object. (a very expensive leather eyeglass case, with glasses inside that are tortoise-shell, like Buddy Holly's.)

In further conversation about her gift of knowing what animated inanimate objects men would be, Beverly reveals that Bill Pullman would be French bread, like a baguette, Bill Paxton would be a doorknob that's not connected to a door, a brass doorknob that's tarnished, and Conan O'Brien would be a steamboat.

## Ronna & Beverly's World

The conversation between the ladies opens with Ronna talking about how she's happy to be back after time on the Vineyard. She's been there since the 4th. Beverly came to stay for a while and stayed in the art barn. Beverly says she's glad Ronna's back because she doesn't like going back and forth doing errands for Ronna. When Ronna describes her Vineyard house as "nonpareil," Beverly says she likes the stained glass of the boy picking blueberries. Ronna says they found that at flea market in Nantucket. Anyway, Ronna thanks Beverly for being so wonderful and has brought her fudge as a thank you (cranberry fudge, penuche, they didn't have maple). Beverly says it was her pleasure to bring in Ronna's mail, and Ronna says she knows it can be a real pain in the tukhus so she appreciates it.

Beverly says she wants to bring up something that might sound awkward. Ronna guesses it's the sprinkler, and Beverly doesn't disagree. Ronna says she wants to kill her mailman, because she has told him so many times to walk all the way up the driveway, put mail in her mailbox. It's not her fault that she has a long, gorgeous driveway and he doesn't want to park his car there because he doesn't want to reverse out. So he throws it in the middle of the driveway sometimes.

Beverly says yes, some of mail got a little damp. Ronna says that Beverly did say that she'd come by 3 so that wouldn't happen. Beverly says that most days she didn't get here that early. She has busy days -- she does Yahoo in the morning which takes a couple of hours, then she goes to Trader Joes. Ronna asks whether Beverly waited until the last day to pick up all her mail. Beverly confesses yes and says it was pretty wet. Ronna is incredulous that Beverly left her mail to soak on the driveway for seven days. Beverly says that some of it was was wet so she threw it away. Ronna replies that that's a federal offense. Beverly says she didn't throw it all away. Ronna asks about her Sur La Table catalogue. Some of the mail made it, Beverly explains. What made it is on the table right now. What didn't make it she threw away, and what was wet and legible she took home and opened it and read it. Ronna is astounded at this revelation. "Did you think the ink was going to smudge so I wouldn't be able to read it and you'd have to report back to me what it said. That's how good of a friend you are?" Ronna asks.

Beverly says that Ronna's pointing fingers at the finger pointer. "It doesn't matter how you come to certain information. It's what the information is. And what the source of the information is. And whether the source was discovered by another source and then that source brings it back to the first source. Or was it the source of the information." Beverly explains. When Ronna asks what Beverly is getting at, Beverly tells her that she's discovered that Ronna has 400,000 American Express miles. (423,000 miles, Ronna clarifies.) She asks how Beverly knows that, whether Beverly went through her mail and looked at her American Express points. What business is it of hers? Beverly defends herself and says the American Express envelope got wet, and it opened itself in front of her pretty much. Then she accuses Ronna of being a hoarder -- a points hoarder. She says Ronna is not even considering sharing any of these points. Ronna explains that you have to spend money to get points, and if Beverly ever spent her money, she'd have points. Beverly says that Ronna is going to be traveling around the world by herself, and she won't have any friends with her. Beverly says she feels sorry for Ronna.

Beverly explains, "If I were you, if I were sitting where you are, wearing what you're wearing, in your skin, if I were wearing your makeup on my face, if I had your face on my face, if that was my face..." Ronna interjects and says she gets it. Beverly continues that if she were Ronna, she'd offer to lend Beverly some points. If she were Ronna, she would take Beverly with her to Orlando because she knows Beverly loves it. Or she'd be happy to give Beverly some of the points so she can send her daughter back to Israel so she's not in her tush anymore. Ronna asks whether she seems like a person who's going to Orlando, Florida any time soon. She also says that Beverly hasn't considered that she was going to use those points to meet Jordan in Europe at the end of the summer. Beverly asks whether Ronna was going to give her any notice to pack her own bags to join Ronna and Jordan in Europe. She realizes Ronna didn't mean that Beverly would go to Europe too. Ronna tells Beverly that when she does go to Europe, since she knows Beverly hasn't been checking her mail, she'll have someone else do it.

Beverly confesses that she also kept the Bed, Bath, and Beyond 20% off coupons that arrived. Ronna is horrified and when she asks Beverly whether she took them, Beverly says she doesn't remember. Ronna explains that they don't expire and she is accustomed to filing them away in a cabinet in her kitchen.

They go to the interview with Nick Kroll. Theme music plays.

In their conversation with Nick Kroll, there is a lot of conversation about Ronna, Beverly, and their family members.

First, when Kroll is talking about his comedic influences, he asks whether Ronna and Beverly watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Ronna replies that she watches here and there. Her son Jordan, who's terrific, 20 years old, he's at Tisch, he sends her a clip, whatever's relevant. Ronna wants to be involved in his life so she watches it. But she can't take 30 minutes of it. Beverly doesn't like The Daily Show. She finds Jon Stewart too smug, like he's so smart.

When they're discussing the fact that Nick is single, Ronna asks what he's looking for. Beverly follows up with whether he's looking for larger or smaller. She says she has twin girls, one of each. One of them is very attractive, very pretty, not smart. The other one is religious. Nick asks them whether they're religious. Are they reform or conservative? Ronna answers they're observant. He asks whether they have a kosher home. Ronna says absolutely. Beverly says she does except for her lobster pot. Ronna confesses that to be honest she likes shellfish, she likes a little prosciutto, she likes a speck, she likes foie gras, pate. Nick says they're not kosher at all then. Beverly says she is outside the home. Then sometimes in her house she breaks it.

When the topic of Chinese food comes up, Ronna and Beverly explain to Nick that at Beijing Palace, they used to have two rooms - the Temple Beth El room or the Temple Israel room. It was a big rift. Beverly says she was Israel, and Ronna was Beth El. But now it's Shirat Hayam, song of the sea. Ronna says it's a terrific congregation, with a very youthful rabbbi.

Later, after discussing Garfield, which Beverly loves, they get into a discussion about cats and dogs. Nick doesn't like cats at all, is allergic to cats. Ronna says they're horrible. Nick asks whether they have cats. Ronna answers absolutely not. Nick follows up, asking about the dog that Rachelle couldn't take care of that Beverly owns. She couldn't take care of the dog? Beverly explains that Rachelle was given a dog by a boy. And she liked it until it grew out of its puppyhood and then she left it at Beverly's house. He asks where Rachelle lives now. Beverly replies she's at the University of Arizona. But she's home for the summer.

Nick then asks about Jordan. Ronna says he's doing so many terrific things, they don't have time to get into the list. ("Get it?" Beverly says under her breath, "Doing things"?) Ronna continues that he is doing so terrific. He's doing an internship. Nick says that Beverly is rolling her eyes. Beverly says he's a goth. Ronna replies that he's not a goth. He's artistic. He wears a little eyeliner. He lives in New YOrk. He does what they do. His hair's black one week, brown the next, it's got gold tips the next, who knows. (Beverly says under her breath that he's like Twilight.) Ronna's continuing to talk over Beverly's muttering saying that sometimes Jordan wears a waistcoat, he doesn't wear a waistcoat. He's very fashion forward. He's currently doing an internship, which is wonderful, at the Weinstein company. (Some disagreement follows between Ronna and Beverly about whether their company used to be called Miramax or Miralax.) Ronna continues that he's doing a month there and then going to France on a cycling tour for Live Strong. He's going to raise money, bicycle through the French countryside, they go from vineyard to vineyard. 100 miles a day, 50 miles a day, whatever it is, all the while raising money for cancer. Nick expresses surprise that a goth would do that. Ronna says again that he's not a goth. She explains that Beverly is making a blanket statement about people who happen to have a more original idea about fashion. Beverly says that Jordan bleached his face skin. Ronna objects strenuously and says he did not bleach his skin, he's not Michael Jackson. Beverly replies with "Not yet." Nick asks whether Jordan lives downtown. Ronna replies that he's in NYU housing on Washington Square Park. Nick asks whether she's met his friends. Ronna says of course she has, she's very involved. He has a wonderful group of friends. Beverly is muttering about how they're like a gang, like a rave gang, she saw one of them with a pacifier around his neck one time. Nick says like gay warriors. Ronna is continuing to talk about Jordan's friends and says Jordan has one friend in particular. She explains that Jordan is in the directors program at Tisch. Rachelle is undecided, undeclared, Beverly contributes. She thinks Rachelle could make such a living doing pharmaceutical sales.

Nick asks how they are both doing healthwise. Ronna says she's terrific, she swims every day. Beverly says she has a polyp in her esophagus. It's totally safe. It just goes up and down.

Nick steers the conversation back to talking about Jordan and asks about Ronna's statement that Jordan has one friend in particular. Ronna says Jordan has one particular friend who's his collaborator. You're a director, you need a cinematographer, she explains. Beverly says under her breath that he's black, it's a guy. Ronna talks simultaneously, explaining that the relationship between a director and a cinematographer is the most important relationship on set. Nick asks whether they spend a lot of time together. They do. His name is Herve, he's a Cuban Jew from Miami, very tall, thin. Nick asks whether they are dating. Beverly replies under her breath, very quietly, "I think so." Ronna asks what Nick means -- whether he means they're dating people. She asks incredulously whether they have time to meet girls. They're out shooting movies.

Nick asks whether they've ever tried to set up Rachelle and Jordan. Ronna dismisses him, saying they grew up together. Beverly says it was a disaster, she begged for them to go the prom together. Jordan ended up going stag. He went with a group of friends. Of men, Beverly says. Ronna insists there were both girls and boys together. Ronna says she bought Jordan a gorgeous Hugo Boss tuxedo. Rachelle went to prom with an older man, who was 39 at the time, from a couple of towns away, from Lynnfield. She doesn't know they met. He substitute teaches all over. Nick asks whether she want to prom with her teacher?! Not HER teacher, Beverly explains. A teacher. They're still friends. Lainie didn't go to prom. Lainie sat in the basement and cried. Nick says "aww" and then comments that it doesn't seem like Beverly has a ton of sympathy for Lainie. Beverly says she used to, but at some point, you have to stop. Stop eating. Just stop.

Nick asks, what about Jordan and Lainie? Beverly says never in a million years. Ronna says Jordan is very aesthetic. He's very concerned with aesthetics. Lainie is not. Beverly says that Lainie looks like a pile of laundry walking around. Beverly confesses that Lainie does have a crush on Jordan. She always has. (Ronna is resistant to discuss it. It's not fair to Lainie and not fair to Jordan, because it puts a burden on him). Laine was really was in love with Jordan from as soon as when she knew what a boy was, Beverly explains. They used to play naked in the dirt and take a bath together. Ronna says that he was a very kind child. Beverly tells Ronna she doesn't understand girls.

Nick says that he just heard Ronna or Beverly say that Lainie and Jordan will never hear the podcast. Do they plan to distribute the podcast? They tell him they have a schlep who puts it on iTunes. They know the Barbaras are listening -- Barbara Eschelbach, Barbara Sidman, Barbara Leventhal. Nick asks what they all do together, if they have lunch. They mix and match, Ronna and Beverly explain. Sometimes they play doubles with them. They go for a walk, Beverly adds.

They talk about Nick's plans for the next few months, and at one point, Ronna says she just wants to review: He doesn't have a girlfriend, but he has a very close friend he's had for 15 years who he's going to Spain with for two weeks this summer. Nick says yes, you can say he's my DP, my cinematographer. Beverly is confused about what's going on here. Nick explains that Ronna is implying that he's gay. Ronna says she's not implying, she is asking. Nick says that it's amazing what one can see in someone else's life that one can't see in their own. (Beverly says she says that all the time.) Ronna asks what he means by that, is he implying that Beverly and she are gay. He says he perceives them as heterosexual. As the conversation continues he says there is a definite Oprah and Gayle vibe with Ronna and Beverly. He doesn't know whether Oprah and Gayle physically have sex but he believes Gayle is the love of Oprah's life.

Near the end of the conversation, they're talking about Ronna's lovely home, and he says he loves the Leroy Neiman painting. She says he should see the Chagall that's in the other room. He asks where he should have lunch in Marblehead. Beverly says Mino's. Ronna scoffs and says to go The Barnacle, sit by the water, and have a lobster roll, unless he's kosher. (He's not.) The interview ends, and the theme music plays.

When the podcast returns to just Ronna and Beverly, Beverly says that maybe she inaccurately recalled the story of the mail. She continues that what she didn't tell Ronna is that she's been having a certain kind of seizure or a fit that comes over her when she's doing a favor. Beverly tells Ronna she accepts her apology. They can move on. She feels badly about whatever caused her to open -- or commit a crime or whatever it is Ronna said she did.

Ronna asks whether Beverly has any idea how exhausting it is to be friends with her. Nothing is simple. Everything is complicated. Ronna asks Beverly whether she's apologizing or not. Beverly says she's apologizing. Ronna says she's apologizing but not taking responsibility for her actions. Beverly committed a federal offense. She tampered with Ronna's mail. Beverly replies that her disease committed it. Ronna asks what's the diagnosis? She asks whether Beverly is on WebMD again. Beverly says yes, and it's something about prone to fits of crime and not remembering anything.

Beverly says it doesn't matter, at least she doesn't hoard points. Ronna explains, again, that Beverly went through her mail. It's an invasion of privacy. Beverly says she sees how Ronna could see it that way and asks whether Ronna is going to share her points. Ronna tells Beverly she doesn't need Beverly to look after her mail anymore. Beverly says that's good, because it's a pain to get over to Ronna's house.

They thank their schleps -- Michael Constantini and the men who did the music, who are starving, begging in the streets, and busking, John Ross Bowie and Noah Lebenzon.