Varian Goes to High School

**Varian Goes to High School** is the 11th episode of Lisa Loud: the High School Years.

Next episode: Tony's Big Break

## Synopsis:

After a malfunction in Greg's wristwatches, Varian gets stuck in the modern times and goes to high school with David and Greg.

## Character Appearances:

* Varian
* David
* Greg
* Robert
* Riley
* Lisa
* Darcy
* Foop
* Goldie
* Poof
* Anti-Goldie
* Tony
* Dylan
* Lola
* Lana
* Skippy
* Lucas
* Marcus
* Mike
* Gus
* Jackie
* Alfred
* Roxanne
* Lindsey
* Francis
* Winston
* Jane
* Jacqueline
* Jennifer
* Mindy
* Missy
* Gwen
* Andi
* Dean
* Dawn
* Kate
* Marisa
* Tim
* Matt
* Danny
* Zack
* Principal Adams
* Mr. Tate
* Mr. Thompson
* Anti-Cosmo
* Ms. Blake
* Coach Willson
* Cassandra

## Transcript:

On a winter day before Christmas break, David and Greg got up excitedly.

David: Today’s the secret Santa gift exchange! And I got Lisa! I can’t wait to give her this chemistry kit.

David held up a chemistry kit.

Greg: But I got Tony! I know NOTHING about him or what he’d like other than that he was in the Cramp Twins and lives by the swamp… so I didn’t get him anything.

David: Ya gotta come in with a present, Greg. You remember what happened to Leni when SHE forgot to give a present to Sully, who just happened to be her secret Santa?

Greg: No.

David: Exactly.

Greg: Let’s hope Robert and Riley have some ideas.

David: Oooo, good idea!

David and Greg headed to the kitchen.

A portal came out of Greg’s wrist-watch.

Varian came out.

Varian: Strange. This isn’t Cass’ stronghold…

Varian shrugged and left the room.

~ ~ ~

Robert and Riley were in the kitchen making scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast.

David and Greg headed into the kitchen.

David: Oooo! Toast!

David grabbed a piece of toast and took a bite.

Greg: Robert, Riley. I need help with the secret Santa gift exchange. I got Tony and I have no idea what to get him.

Robert: Tony. Isn’t he from that Cramp Twins show?

Riley: Get him something from the show!

Greg: I would. But I don’t HAVE anything from the show. Man, I wish I got Lucas. He said he wanted a dirtbike! I spent all of November building one for him!

David: Well, we’d better get to school before we’re late.

David and Greg left the kitchen, and saw Varian by the front door in his modern outfit he wore before.

David: Varian?

Varian: Don’t ask. Let’s head to school before we’re late.

Greg: ...Okay…

~ ~ ~

On the bus ride to school, Varian, Greg, and David were sitting together.

Varian: And that’s how it happened! I was supposed to be at Cassandra’s stronghold to tell Zhan Tiri to back off my lady… but I end up here! Again!

Lucas, Marcus, Mike, and Gus overheard.

Lucas: Who’s this dweeb?

Greg: This is my uh… cousin… Varian.

Marcus: Cousin? Greg, you’re way too cool to be related to HIM.

Mike: He’s worse than David.

David: Excuse me!

Gus: Sorry! But we only spit out FACTS!

Lucas, Marcus, Mike, and Gus sat back down and started snickering.

Varian began to cry.

Greg: Oh, don’t worry, Varian. My friends are just messing with you.

Varian: It isn’t that. It’s Cassandra. What if Zhan Tiri’s got her forever? What if Cassandra WASN’T the girl for me?

David: We’ll get you to your own time. After school. There isn’t much we can do now.

Varian sighed.

Varian: I know…

~ ~ ~

David, Greg, and Varian reached school and were on their way to Mr. Tate’s science class.

Lisa, Darcy, Foop, and Goldie headed over to them.

Lisa: It’s happened! My first first-place trophy for the debate club!

David: Congrats!

Lisa: Yeah. Since Lexie got expelled, it’s been easy for me to nail debate!

Foop: And what’s Varian doing here?

Darcy: Who’s Varian?

David, Greg, Lisa, Foop, and Goldie eyed Darcy.

David: He’s our ancestor!

Varian: Darcy, I’ve met you the LAST time I got stuck in the modern times!

Darcy: I don’t remember.

Goldie: We should all head to class before we’re late.

David: Follow us, Varian. We all have Mr. Tate this class period.

Varian: Okay… I hope I get home soon.

Greg: And you will. Let’s go!

David, Greg, Varian, Lisa, Darcy, Foop, and Goldie headed to Mr. Tate’s classroom.

~ ~ ~

In Mr. Tate’s classroom, David, Greg, Varian, Lisa, Darcy, Foop, and Goldie walked in.

Mr. Tate noticed Varian.

Mr. Tate: Varian! You’re back! And how did you stay so young?

David: Actually, Mr. Tate… Varian is a student teacher.

Varian: David…

Greg: He’s here to observe the class.

Varian: Actually, I -

Mr. Tate: Just sit down, you three…

David, Greg, and Varian sat down beside Foop and Goldie.

Poof and Anti-Goldie turned around and noticed Varian.

Anti-Goldie: So YOU’RE Varian. Tell me. How is Zhan Tiri doing?

Varian: Zhan Tiri? What about her?

Poof: She wants to know if Zhan Tiri can come back to the present day…

Varian shrieked out loud.

Varian: ARE YOU CRAZY?!

The entire class looked at Varian.

Mr. Tate: Is there a problem?

Varian: Tell Poof and Anti-Goldie there is NO WAY Zhan Tiri is EVER going to return!

Mr. Tate blinked and eyed Varian suspiciously.

Mr. Tate: I’m sorry, Varian. But for your outburst, go see Principal Adams.

He handed Varian a detention slip.

Varian: I don’t believe this!

Varian left the room.

David raised his hand.

Mr. Tate: Yes?

David: Varian didn’t mean any harm. Please. Would you send him back here?

Mr. Tate: I’m sorry, David.

David sat back down and crossed his arms.

David whispered to Greg.

David: I KNEW bringing Varian to school was a mistake!

Greg shrugged.

~ ~ ~

At the main office, Varian sat down in one of the chairs by the principal’s office.

Dylan sat next to Varian.

Dylan: Heeey… you look familiar.

Varian: What?

Dylan: You’re that dude from history class! The alchemy boy!

Varian: Yeah, whatever.

Dylan: Dylan Cornheiser’s the name. What are you in here for?

Varian: ...I’m not sure. But I need to return home so I can stop Zhan Tiri from totally corrupting my girlfriend!

Dylan eyed Varian.

Varian: Don’t ask.

Principal Adams came out.

Principal Adams: Varian. Come on in…

Varian entered Principal Adams’ office.

Varian: I know what happened in Mr. Tate’s class. But let me tell you, Poof and Anti-Goldie are conspiring with an evil demon and I won’t stand for it.

Principal Adams: You’re not in any trouble, Varian!

Varian looked confused.

Varian: I’m not? But Mr. Tate sent me and-

Principal Adams: Because we’re working on a surprise. For your little cousin, David.

Varian: David?

Principal Adams nodded.

Principal Adams: You are his secret Santa. Because Lexie got expelled just after the secret Santa nominations and you’re the only new student here in like, 3 months, you can be David’s secret Santa.

Varian: But all my gifts are all in Corona…

Principal Adams: Sure. But he’ll be pleasantly surprised when you make something from your heart.

Varian: Okay.

Principal Adams: Now go! It’s about time for your next class!

Varian nodded and left.

Principal Adams: All those Millers. Such good kids.

~ ~ ~

Varian left the office and found David and Greg, with Foop and Goldie.

David: Varian! How’d it go in there?

Foop: Principal Adams is very nice, but BOY can she really lay down the law!

Varian: Actually. I’m not in any trouble.

Goldie: Really? We could hear you in Mr. Tate’s class.

Greg: Is everything okay?

Varian started crying.

Varian: It’s Cassandra! I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, girlfriend, AND future wife!

Goldie: Aw, it’s okay!

Foop: Maybe a fun English class with my dad would make you feel better.

Varian: Your dad teaches your English class?

Foop: Yeah… But he’s REALLY good and totally does not play any favorites!

Foop winked.

Varian: Okay. Let’s go!

David, Greg, Varian, Foop, and Goldie headed to Foop’s dad, Anti-Cosmo’s English classroom.

~ ~ ~

David, Greg, Varian, Foop, and Goldie all entered Anti-Cosmo’s English classroom.

Foop: So sorry, dad, we’re late. Varian was brutally sent to the principal’s office.

Varian: Foop!

Foop shrugged.

Anti-Cosmo: That’s quite alright. Take your seats. We are going to read a new book.

David, Greg, Varian, Foop, and Goldie sat down.

Anti-Cosmo: It’s quite a strange book we’re reading today… But Principal Adams said this must be in the curriculum…

He picked up a book that said “Zhan Tiri’s Life Tale - by Zhan Tiri”

Varian gasped.

Varian: Zhan Tiri WROTE a book!

Anti-Goldie: Oh. I’ve read this before. It’s awesome.

Anti-Cosmo began reading.

Anti-Cosmo: My life isn’t perfect. But it’s not the worst. I really intend to make a difference in the world.

Varian muttered something.

Varian: Yeah. A difference to destroy the world.

Anti-Cosmo continued reading.

Anti-Cosmo: My supposed friends don’t understand me. Varian, Cassandra, Rapunzel, Eugene. They don’t get what it’s like to be me!

Varian lost it.

Varian: SHE SAID WHAT?!

Anti-Cosmo: Varian!

Varian: NO! I don’t believe it! ZHAN TIRI thinks WE’RE friends! I can’t take it anymore! She DESTROYED my relationship with Cassandra! I am OUTTA here!

Varian ran off.

Anti-Cosmo: Foop. Can you go see what your buddy is upset about?

Foop: Certainly, father. Come on, Goldie, David, and Greg.

Foop, Goldie, David, and Greg headed out.

Anti-Cosmo: Okay. Where was I?

~ ~ ~

Varian was looking for a quiet place to hide.

Tony went up to Varian.

Tony: Varian! I need to get someone’s opinion on who was your favorite in The Cramp Twins. Wayne keeps insisting everyone likes him!

Varian: Sorry, Tony, but I have NO IDEA what The Cramp Twins is. I need to get outta here. Get back home.

Tony: Okay.

Varian ran off into the school gym, where Lola and her cheer squad were practicing.

Lola: Can I help you?

Lindsey: You don’t look like a cheerleader!

Winston: What are you doing here?

Francis: If you want to join the squad, then too bad! Tryouts were LAST month!

Jane: And besides, you look familiar!

Jacqueline: Are you the sushi delivery guy?

Jennifer: Cause we’re hungry!

Mindy: Unless…

Missy: You want to ruin our cheer practice!

Gwen: We won’t let you!

Varian: Ruin your cheer practice? Uh. No!

Alfred: I think he’s spying on us from the rival schools!

Roxanne: That is treason! We won’t stand for it!

Varian looked scared.

Coach Willson: Don’t worry kid. They’re just really passionate about cheering for the big Christmas parade.

Varian: What?

The cheerleaders all eyed Varian.

Varian: That’s it! I gotta go! Now!

Varian ran out of the gym.

~ ~ ~

David, Greg, Foop, and Goldie caught up to Varian, who was sitting at the steps, and was in tears.

David: What happened?

Foop: You ran out of my dad’s classroom in tears faster than when I insulted Poof back in Spellementary School!

Goldie eyed Foop, who just shrugged.

David: I think it was a mistake bringing you here.

Greg: We really had no choice, Varian.

David: Besides, I thought you’d like it here.

Varian: It isn’t the school. The school’s awesome.  People here are way nicer than back at home. It’s just. Cassandra. I miss her. And since she’s been manipulated by Zhan Tiri, I can’t stop thinking about her. Will she go back to Rapunzel? Will she dump that demon for good? Will she give up that need for power and control? Will she remember her true self? Her true self - someone who doesn’t tolerate bullying. Who isn’t afraid to speak her mind. Who is incredibly loyal. Who -

Varian started crying some more.

Varian: Oh, but it’s hopeless. Now I’m stuck in 2027 with no way back home.

David: We got you the rest of today. Me, Greg, Foop, Goldie, Lisa, Darcy, Tony - heck! I bet Lana and her lousy muddy friends would be there for you.

Varian: You mean it?

Foop: And my dad will be there too!

Goldie: But that book freaked him out! Varian, who exactly is Zhan Tiri and why are you so jumpy when someone mentions her?

Varian: You don’t wanna know, Goldie. But tell your inconsiderate, gothic friend to STOP acting like Zhan Tiri’s going to come back! She’s NOT and she’s better off DEAD!

Goldie: ...Okay… But this day can only get better.

Foop: Yep!

Varian: Well, I can’t thank you enough. Seriously.

David: Now let’s just head to lunch. I bet we could all use something to pick us up!

Varian: Yeah. I could eat.

David, Greg, Varian, Foop, and Goldie headed to the lunch room.

~ ~ ~

At the lunch room, Varian went off on his own and stumbled upon the table Lana and her muddy friends, plus Gus’ girlfriend, Jackie were sitting at.

Varian: Oh, hey.

Lana: Who’s this?

Lucas rolled his eyes.

Lucas: That’s Varian.

Skippy: And I think I see Greg coming over.

Greg headed over to the table.

Greg: Guys! Can you do me a huge favor?

Marcus rolled his eyes.

Marcus: Here it goes.

Greg: Varian is feeling pretty sad. Why don’t you try cheering him up?

Gus: Jackie and I have other plans. Right?

Jackie: Right, Gusie!

Jackie booped Gus’ nose.

Greg: I’m serious! Just please!

Mike: What’s in it for us?

Greg: Okay. One thing you could do… Find a gift for Tony! He’s my secret Santa and I can’t think of a dang thing!

Lucas: Puny Tony?

Marcus: No deal!

Varian: Greg! I actually have something for Tony…

Greg: You do?!

Varian handed Greg a jewel.

Greg: A jewel? A jewel! Varian, this is supposed to be something valuable!

Varian: Oh. But it is. Zhan Tiri dropped it while she foolishly decided to manipulate Cassandra and rip her away from me…

Varian frowned.

Varian: But before I got sucked into the middle of nowhere…

Greg’s muddy friends and Jackie stared at Varian confused.

Varian: Don’t ask. This turned out to belong to Shorty that Zhan Tiri STOLE from him.

Greg: Shorty… That name sounds… familiar.

Varian: You know Shorty?

Greg: I think I do. Tony said Shorty’s his ancestor.

Varian: Huh. Really interesting. Well, I’m sure Tony would love this jewel then if it’s sentimental.

Greg: Great idea!

Greg ran off.

Varian: Now, can any of you help me find the bathroom?

Skippy pointed to the cafeteria doors.

Varian: Thanks…

Varian left.

~ ~ ~

After lunch, David and Greg caught up to Varian.

David: Varian! Good! Next class is Mr. Thompson’s history class. You’re going to love it.

Varian: If Mr. Thompson will read a book about Zhan Tiri like Mr. Cosma did, then I’m gonna lose it!

Greg: I dunno… But I heard Mr. Thompson will have a fun history project for us!

David, Greg, and Varian headed into Mr. Thompson’s classroom.

Mr. Thompson: David, Greg…

He noticed Varian.

Mr. Thompson: I don’t recognize you.

Varian: Hi. I’m Varian.

Mr. Thompson: ...Okay. Take your seats, boys.

Varian, David, and Greg sat down.

Lisa: Where were you, David?

David: I’m so sorry, Lisa! I almost forgot!

David took out a book about chemistry.

Lisa: Thanks! Cause Dean’s my secret Santa and I had no idea what to get him. I figured he liked something scientific, so…

Mr. Thompson: Okay. Now we’re going to open up our history books to chapter 9. The Corona Eclipse…

Varian looked nervous.

Mr. Thompson: The Corona eclipse was a terrible thing that happened when Zhan Tiri, an ancient demon got control of both the sundrop and moonstone. Nobody made it.

Varian started crying.

Mr. Thompson: Varian!

Varian began hyperventilating.

Varian: Water!!

Lisa grabbed an undrunk water bottle out of her bag and handed it to Varian.

Varian began devouring the water and sighed.

David: What is going on?

Varian: Let’s talk in the hall… NOW!

David looked up at Mr. Thompson.

Mr. Thompson: Go. Just go…

David and Varian stepped out into the hall.

Varian: I can’t do this. Everything reminds me of home. Of Cassandra. Of...UGH! Zhan Tiri! I mean what kinda English teacher would read a story about HER?!

David: I understand. Today may not have been the best day to bring you to high school. You see, next is art, and there’s a test on who can DRAW out Zhan Tiri manipulating your girlfriend!

Varian: Oh, that’s it! I’m ditching art class!

David: But you can’t! I...stink at art.

Varian: So? So do I!

David: Please. If we do this together, you’ll be less miserable. Hey, we can even draw unflattering pictures of that old demon!

David chuckled.

Varian smiled.

Varian: I guess we can!

David and Varian hugged.

~ ~ ~

David and Varian both went into the art class.

Ms. Blake: You’re late!

David: We can explain.

Ms. Blake: I don’t care. Just sit down.

David and Varian sat down.

Anti-Goldie: Today is going to be the best art class ever! We’re FINALLY drawing Zhan Tiri!

Anti-Goldie squealed.

David: We heard.

Varian: Anti-Goldie, can’t you do ANYTHING better than praise some horrid demon?!

Anti-Goldie: That “horrid demon” just HAPPENS to get what it’s like to be dumped and misunderstood. Her own PARENTS abandoned her and JORGEN abused her! So, please!

Varian: Okay, okay!

Ms. Blake: Okay, everyone. Take out your sketchbooks.

Varian looked lost as everyone in the classroom took out their sketchbooks.

David: Don’t worry. Emma gave me an extra one that she barely drew in.

David handed Varian a slightly used sketchbook.

Ms. Blake: Now you’ll all draw out a rough sketch of this scene from history…

Ms. Blake pulled down the projection screen to show a picture of Cassandra in her moonstone outfit and Zhan Tiri beside her with an evil smirk.

David: I bet I can make Zhan Tiri have facial hair!

Varian chuckled.

Varian: I bet I can make her look like an obese whale!

David chuckled.

David and Varian were both sketching out their own hideous versions of Zhan Tiri, while making Cassandra look fabulous.

Ms. Blake went over to David and Varian’s table.

Ms. Blake: Wow, boys. Very, uh...creative.

David and Varian grinned.

Ms. Blake: But why does Zhan Tiri look so unpleasant? This was supposed to be an accuracy based assignment. I take it you don’t like her.

Varian: You could say that. Oh. You could say that.

David: She ruins people’s lives!

Ms. Blake: I know. But both of you are pretty talented.

Varian: Uh, thanks.

Ms. Blake walked away.

David: This is PERFECT! I say you send these pictures back to 1501 and show that demon witch what she TRULY looks like!

David cackled almost maniacally.

Varian: You know, this hasn’t been such a bad class.

David: Before you go back to your time, you HAVE to join the science club!

Varian: Oh yeah! I hope there’ll be alchemy!

David: There will be!

Varian: Great! I could use an alchemy break before I get brutally rejected by Cassandra again.

Varian frowned.

David: But then there’s the gift exchange! I can’t wait to give Lisa a new chemistry set. It’s in my locker, which I’ll fetch after the science club!

Varian: Oh right! The gift exchange! I totally forgot!

David: Don’t worry! You’ve got time.

Varian smiled.

~ ~ ~

At the science club, David and Varian went in.

Lisa: David! Is Varian okay?

Greg: Please tell me art class went well.

Varian: You know what? I think I’m okay now.

Foop: Great! Let’s do some science!

Varian and David went over to the big science table the club was at.

Goldie: So, we can’t decide what to do for our next experiment. So, why not let Varian decide?

Varian: Oh that’s easy! It’s a new alchemic truth serum that will allow the person who drinks it to reveal their true feelings.

Dean: That is so cool! You know, I study alchemy!

Varian looked amazed.

Varian: You do?!

Dean nodded.

Dean: But my dad doesn’t get my gift. And my ex-girlfriend, Cassandra dumped me! I can sense her new friend’s manipulating her.

Varian: No way! It’s like… You’re me!

Dean: People just don’t get us, right?

Varian: Right!

Kate: Welcome to Royal Woods High, Varian.

Dawn: You’d like it here.

Danny: I know I do.

Matt: Yes! You’ll do just great!

Varian: Yeah. But I’m not staying.

Marisa: But why not?

Tim: You just got here!

Zack: You’re great at science!

Andi: Yeah! You’ll fit in great here.

Varian: I...just can’t. I have a little secret, that… You people might think is insane…

Tim: Tell us!

Varian: I’m from the year 1501 and I must return back home to win back the love of my girlfriend from the manipulation of a demon girl, Zhan Tiri. That’s why I’ve been jumpy, sad, and nervous all day. I’m really sorry if I ruined anyone’s day.

Matt: I DID notice you be very loud in science class… But I also wanted to pay my attention to Mr. Tate’s lesson.

Dawn: Don’t worry, Varian. We’ve all had unpleasant moments!

Dean: Especially me. Varian, we could be like brothers!

Varian chuckled.

Varian: I don’t think so!

David: After this is the gift exchange.  You up for it, Varian?

Varian: You bet!

~ ~ ~

At the gift exchange, the whole school had their presents for their secret Santas.

Principal Adams came up to the platform with a microphone.

Principal Adams: I’m so glad everyone could make it! Enjoy this year’s gift exchange!

Everyone all went to their respective secret Santas.

David went up to Lisa.

David: Lisa! I’m your secret Santa!

Lisa: No way! I just gave Foop a rare microscope! He loves it!

David handed Lisa his chemistry kit.

Lisa: A chemistry kit! I absolutely love it!

Lisa kissed David on the cheek, as David blushed.

Varian went up to David.

Varian: Here’s a gift to you. I’m your secret Santa.

David: Oh, no way!

Varian handed David a sealed up test tube.

Varian: It isn’t much. But it’s the ever-so rare Flynnoleum I made in my own time.

David: This is so cool! Thanks, Varian!

David and Varian hugged.

Greg and Tony went up to them.

Greg: Turns out Tony loves the jewel.

Tony: Yeah! I can’t believe this was actually my ancestor, Shorty’s valuable jewel that got STOLEN by Zhan Tiri! I can’t believe it! WHERE did you find it?

Greg: Well, I know a friend…

Greg winked.

David: Well, today was a great day!

Varian: I’ll say! But I really need to get home.

Greg: Well, we can. School’s over!

Varian: Oh, sweet!

~ ~ ~

At Robert and Riley’s house, David, Greg, and Varian rushed in.

Robert and Riley were preparing sushi and pad Thai.

Robert: Does anyone want some dinner?!

Greg: Not now! We need to get Varian back to his own time!

David, Greg, and Varian headed into their room.

Greg turned on his wrist-watch.

Greg: I hope this works…

A portal opened up and sucked in Varian.

David: Well, shall we get started on our homework, Greg?

Greg: We shall! And get some of Robert and Riley’s sushi!

David and Greg left their room.

~ ~ ~

Meanwhile, in 1502, Varian returned home.

Varian: It’s good to be back.

Cassandra went up to him and looked guilty.

Varian looked excited.

Varian: Cassandra?!

Varian hugged Cassandra.

Cassandra: Yes, Varian. It’s me. I feel terrible. Honestly.

Cassandra began crying.

Varian: Well, I couldn’t stop thinking about you all day.

Cassandra: Yeah. Well, I ditched Zhan Tiri. She didn’t take it well. Now she’s out for revenge…and I need you more than ever! Rapunzel instantly forgave me, of course. But...do you?

Varian: Of course! Now let’s go kick some demon butt!

Varian and Cassandra hugged and proceeded in the direction of Zhan Tiri’s Great Tree lair.