The Searchers

The Searchers is the fifth episode of Season 5 of *F is for Family*.

## Plot

The Murphy family goes to the mall for day-after-Thanksgiving Christmas shopping. Everyone bails out on Sue and Megan for various reasons leaving them both alone. Sue notices a tired Vic trying to soothe Vic Jr and offers to help. She swaddles the baby in his blanket, succeeding in calming him. Vic, seeing how happy Vic Jr and Megan are, invites Sue to his house for a party. Sue politely declines and later decides to go. She is greeted by Vic and a group of his friends with their fussy infants. After noticing them leaving their babies unattended on the couch, she shows them where to safely place a baby and various techniques stemming from her 15 years as a mom. The parents are very grateful and offer to pay Sue in various ways for helping them. Sue feels unsure about this but accepts their thanks and heads home with Megan.

Frank ducks out on the family outing to scour the city for Box 16. At the bus station, he ends up having his car towed for parking in a No Parking zone. Unable to reach anybody at home via pay phone, Frank is relieved to see Smokey finishing with the vending machines. He offers to drive Frank to the impound lot while on his vending machine run. Frank tells Smokey about how he is trying to find out the meaning behind his dad’s final words. Smokey gives Frank some words of wisdom and tries to discourage him from looking for Box 16. He then drops Frank off at the impound lot and Frank drives home.

Meanwhile, Kevin, still heartbroken over his break up with Alice, confides in Lex and Bolo. They explain to him that Jewish women usually go with Gentile men but end up marrying Jews. Kevin then decides to learn how to become a Jew to win back Alice. He visits Mr. Holtenwasser who tells him everything about Judaism. Kevin goes to Temple Beth where the Goldmans and Mr. Holtenwasser are attending an evening service. He sets up tiki torches and his guitar and plays a poorly written song for Alice. His performance goes awry, as he nervously knocks over a tiki torch, exploding a gas can and angering the congregation. He heads home and tells his parents that they may be getting a call from a Rabbi and says that he is a liar.

Bill, Jimmy and Philip are enjoying the perks of being junior cops. At the mall, while working security, they watch Officers O’Rourke and Glanney subdue a riot at Santa’s workshop caused by Janet Vanderheim. Back at the police station, the two officers allow the boys to pick out one item each from the inadmissible bin in the evidence cage (except for the guns they were saving for their kids). Jimmy picks out a box of maple syrup flavoured stogies; Bill picks out a pimp’s hat with a bullet hole in it, and Phillip picks a reel of a Sleepy Ramirez cartoons seized during a tax fraud case. The boys then try to get free admission to the movies, but are denied entry. Bill ultimately decides to show the neighbourhood kids the Sleepy Ramirez cartoon and charge admission. They set up a projector at the abandoned Stevenson house and run an extension cord from the Murphy’s garage. Unbeknownst to them, the Sleepy Ramirez reel was swapped with Red and Carl’s Fuck School reel. Red and Carl (who are in Chatsworth meeting with an adult film producer) actually have the Sleepy Ramirez cartoon and end up showing Mr. Teatson the film. Frank and Sue, after returning home, discover the extension cord and follow it to the former Stevenson’s home. They then walk in on the kids watching the porno and order them to leave. The projector falls over and sets a covered sofa on fire.

Meanwhile, Maureen hangs out with Bridget who tells her to bring the box with Big Bill’s belongings to the graveyard at sundown. There, the girls hold another seance at Big Bill’s grave and are startled by moaning. Bob Pogo is forced to dig a grave by Gagliardi and his goons after trying to leave town. He pleads for his life as the goons point their guns at him. His moaning makes the girls think that they have angered Big Bill’s spirit and decide to run. This knocks over the lit candles and sets the box on fire. Bob manages to escape by striking the men across the knees with the shovel, causing them to fall into the empty grave. He climbs out and ends up rolling down the hill knocking over headstones on the way down. Maureen and Bridget, while fleeing, scare off Gagliardi and his men. Bob Pogo then meets up with Rosie (who is struggling to save his neighbourhood from Tangenti’s tollway) at the bridge after running for quite some distance and feeling proud of himself.

## Quotes

**Rosie**: Mayor Tangenti is trying to destroy your neighborhood just to get revenge on me. Are we gonna let him get away with that?

**All**: No!

**Reggie**: Maybe.

**Rosie**: Shut up, Reggie!

**Rosie**: *(to all the people)* I've come up with a plan to stop this tollway forever, if we all sign this petition to have the rec center labeled a historic landmark. I mean, this is where point shaving was invented! THE PEOPLE HAVE A VOICE IN THIS TOWN!

*(all cheer)*

**Rosie**: And we wanna send a message to the mayor that is loud and clear!

**Crane Operator**: Clear!

**Rosie**: That's what I said, clear!

**Crane Operator**: No, get out of the way!

**Rosie**: What the fսck?! SHIT!

*(all scream)*

————————————————————————————

**Phillip**: Step right up for a night of never-before-seen, direct-from-the-police-evidence-locker, bootleg Sleepy Ramirez cartoons.

**Jimmy Fitzsimmons**: You are the first kids to see these aside from the Bangladeshi children that animated them.

**Bill Murphy**: Are you ready for some fun?

*(kids cheering)*

————————————————————————————

**Maureen**: Spirit of William F. Murphy, we summon you from your tortured rest. Tell us, what were you trying to say to my dad when you died?

**Bridget**: And when two angels bone, do they explode and become a star?

**Maureen**: *(whispers)* Grandpa Bill...

**Maureen & Bridget**: We summon you!

*(they herd a moaning sound)*

**Maureen**: Is that you, Grandpa?

*(moaning inside the dirt)*

**Bridget**: Oh my God, his soul is anguishing in purgatory.

*(But they didn't hear, Pogo was digging a hole with a shovel, groaning)*

**Bob**: Done. I guess we're even now. You're very fair, letting me just dig a hole to square my thousands of dollars of debt. Are you putting in a fountain?

**Lou**: You should've paid me, Robert.

**Bob**: You can't kill me here! I'll never be found!

————————————————————————————

**Bob**: Please, no! I'm not supposed to go like this! A gypsy told me I'd die on or around the Space Needle!

**Bob**: *(in the distance)* NOOOOO!

**Maureen**: We're making my grandpa mad.

**Pogo**: No!

**Maureen**: This was a bad idea.

**Pogo**: No!

**Bridget**: Don't go chicken-shit on me now.

**Pogo**: No!

*(gasps)*

**Pogo**: Let me go!

**Bridget**: YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, CHICKEN-SHIT!

**Maureen**: WAIT FOR MEEEEEE!

*(they both run away screaming, and then falls off in the mud)*

**Lou**: Goodbye, my friend.

*(Maureen and Bridget screaming)*

**Mobster #1**: It's the ghosts of those circus midgets we killed!

**Mobster #2**: They're all coming out of the same grave!

*(Bob hits the mobsters with a shovel)*

**Mobsters**: Ah!

**Mobster #1**: Kneecapping really hurts!

*(they both knocked down in the hole and then Bob starts rolling down and hitting gravestones)*

**Bob**: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

**Lou**: I will GET you! YOUR MELTED ASS IS MINE!

**Pogo**: Ah!

————————————————————————————

**Woman on Film**: Professor Screw-well, there must be some way for me to make up being late to school.

**Red**: You need an insertion of discipline.

*(they both grunt moan and groan when the kids saw the Porn movie Fuck School when Frank enters angrily)*

**Frank**: BILL!

*(the kids gave them a shock)*

**Frank**: What the fսck is this?!

*(the kids were clamoring and running away from the Former Stevenson's house)*

**Bill**: *(shocked)* Dad!

**Sue**: *(angrily)* BILL!

**Frank**: *(shrieked with a shock) (shouts)* SUE, DON'T LOOK!!! DON'T LOOK!!!

**Ben**: *(peaks out of his eyes and looks at Frank)* Your daddy's got an uncut hog on his face!

**Frank**: *(starts panicking at the kids scaring him off)* UGH!!! NO, NO, NO!!! GET IT OFF ME!!! GET IT OFF ME!!! *(grunts)*

*(kicks the movie projecter and cause them on fire and Frank shocked in horror)*

## Trivia

* The carpeting in the bus station resembles the same carpeting in the hallways of the hotel in The Shining.