Kids with Problems

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**Kids with Problems** is the second episode of Season 9 of *Letterkenny*.

## Synopsis

Kids with problems are given important life lessons…and hot dogs.

## Cold Open

> You were playing crib with your pals the other day… — Wayne
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On a blustery day in Letterkenny, Daryl is distracted by something, and the other Hicks are happy to play a three-hander and have him leave. But he needs to bend their ear about something: he had sen Mother Hutchins, mother of 17, earlier that day, in a dress. And when a gust of wind came by, he had heard a very faint whistle. As she was eating an ice cream cone, they wonder where the whistle sound was coming from, from a mother of 17, on a windy day, if it wasn't coming from her mouth.

They *think* they are in agreement, but if not, then someone would have egg on their face. Wayne is forced to ask explicitly, and they admit that Wayne does not have egg on his face, although Dan is still hesitant:

> I'm not… unconvinced… that wind… hitting the womanhood of a mother of 17… at the right speed and angles… could create vibrations… causing sounds. I'm just not convinced it would be a whistle. — Dan
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They theorize what other kind of sounds the situation might produce, Dan that it might be more high-pitched, and Daryl stating it was more of a standard whistle. Katy uncomfortably notes that the grooming styles of older women (or lack thereof) might produce… a rustling sound, of sorts. Wayne admonishes the others to respect their elders.

That said, Wayne says he was once in a "real" cave down Disney, and "witnessed the dull hum of wind hittin' something cavernous," "a bit like an idle lightsaber." Katy imitates the sound, and it seems plausible to the group as well. But Wayne suggests that a combination of all their assumptions might be the most accurate, and on the count of three, Daryl and Dan whistle, Katy rustles, and Wayne hums.

> Now… it's almost not worth thinkin' about. — Wayne
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## Plot Summary

Dan joins Katy, Rosie, and Wayne at MoDean's, muttering obscenities under his breath.

> Kids today have got fuckin' problems! — Dan
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It seems some kids had stolen the mailbox from the end of the laneway. Katy is quick to point out that Dan and Wayne used to steal mailboxes at the end of laneways all the time as kids (allegedly). Daryl enters muttering about kids as well, for leaving a bag of shit on his stoop, something Katy points out they did as kids as well (allegedly). Gail suggests they should have motion sensing cameras, but they scoff at this.

Stewart, accompanied by Roald, joins them at the bar, with his own complaint: kids are standing on his yard waiting for the bus, fighting and name-calling. Katy observes that it is his mother's yard, and that they used to scrap all the time as kids—and as adults, Rosie adds.

They are interrupted by Bonnie, who is anxious about being late. She is actually five minutes early, but if you're not ten minutes early, you're late. But her real complaint was kids with problems, and their grab-assin', which elicits horror from the group.

> Looks I can tolerates mailbox stealin'. I'll tolerate shit throwin'. But grab assin' young womens, that's where I draws the line! Something must be dones! — Dan
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Katy and Rosie offer to bring the kids down to MoDean's for a stern talking-to, and tells Daryl they cannot get hammered.

Reilly and Jonesy make a familiar walk into the hockey arena, proud of their championships on the ice and behind the bench, and dreading the anticipated back checking, learning defensive responsibilities, and not skipping leg day that will come. The Coach intercepts them and tells them a league exists where they do not have to do any of that.

> Full on selfish hockey. — Coach
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Not only that, but there is beer, too. The players are in.

The kids have arrived at MoDean's, and the Letterkenny adults sit across from them in silence. Wayne stands, clears his throat, and begins to address them awkwardly.

> Guess I'll start by saying, uh, we appreciate youse taking the time to come down here today, taking time away from… well, being little fuckin' idiots. — Wayne
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In appreciation for their participation, he promises a hot dog, pop, and a bag of chips, the latter two of which they already seem to have received. He directs them to applaud for Gail in thanks, but only the adults do so. Wayne turns the chair around and sits backwards on it, and says the kids have all had too much sugar cereal. He presents the "panel of local experts" who will try to help them sort themselves out.

Daryl is first up, and says the kids are getting into mischief because they have too much time on their hands, and should spend that time acquiring a skilled trade. After failing to secure Katy's help with the dry-erase board, he goes to it himself and notes that shit is supposed to go in the toilet, and everyone is going to need their toilet fixed sooner or later, hence the need for plumbers and pipefitters. There is also always a need for AC people.

The adults nod, while the kids roll their eyes and fiddle with their phones; Gail confiscates a phone, and Daryl points out the demand for electricians. One of the kids, Mike, declares "this is so gay," earning howls of disapproval from all the adults (except a tearful Roald, being consoled by Stewart).

Jonesy and Reilly are suiting up as the newest players for the No Regretskys, the coach's beer league team, and having a couple of beers before the game. Coach begins to tell a story.

> You guys ever seen the sun crest over the Blue Ridge Mountains? — Coach
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He and his wife Barb had rented an RV to drive across the United States 15 years ago. And as that sun was cresting, he relates, Barb took olive oil and began stroking him, before popping winterfresh mints and taking him orally, becoming more and more explicit. Reilly and Jonesy are bewildered.

Back at MoDean's, Dan has finished a rant, and Wayne clears his throat and thanks him for his "explosive, yet compelling message on mailbox stealin' (and how that's a federal crime)." He promises the hot dogs are coming up, but first hands the floor over to Stewart, Roald, Tyson, and Joint Boy to have a talk about fighting.

Their theory as to why the kids are fighting and name-calling is that they have too much energy. Stewart directs them to exercise by learning to fight. Specifically, Joint Boy says he will teach them to box, the "superior discipline when it comes to physical combat"—something Muay Thai is, in Tyson's opinion. They argue heatedly about the merits of each martial art, finally getting into a fight themselves—and promptly knocking each other out.

> I smell hot dogs! — Wayne
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Reilly and Jonesy are enjoying beer league; having scored four points each while half cut. Coach wants to tell them a story about the Grand Canyon, which they do not care to hear, but he continues regardless, talking about her breasts, and nipples, and olive oil, and taking "Camelot" (or rather, "Cumalot").

> Barb, of course, went outside and washed up with the garden hose. — Coach
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They are relieved to get called up, and wheel, wheel, wheel onto the ice.

The kids have finally received and finished their hot dogs, and now Wayne moves on to the worst offense, grab-assin', for which he has enlisted Katy and Rosie. He clears his throat again and gives them the floor. They warn that grabbin' ass is otherwise known as assault and sometimes molestation, the kind of offense that will send them straight to jail. Bonnie tries to interject, but they continue on. After jail, Katy warns further, they will be placed on the sex offender registry for the rest of their lives.

Rosie observes that there are a lot of "big dudes" in Letterkenny, and asks whether they would savour knocking on Wayne's door to tell him they are a sex offender, pulling open his shirt. Bonnie again tries to interject, but they demand to know "which one of you little boys grabbed Bonnie's ass?" At this, Meghan rises, as all gasp.

> Rosie: Why'd you grab her ass?
> Meghan: It's a great ass
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But in actuality, Mandy had just tried to grab a poop bag for dogs sticking out of her back pocket, to hand it back to her. Mandy further relates that Bonnie had then turned around and called her a skank, eliciting gasps from the crowd again, as the adults turn their ire towards Bonnie.

The hockey players' first beer league game has been a success; six genos and six apples for Reilly, five tucks and seven helpers for Jonesy, without back checking, without defensive responsibilities, and without leg day. To their chagrin, however, the Coach, now drunk, has another story to share, about a hot summer night with Barb on the Mississippi River.

> I undid by button-fly acid wash jeans, pulled out my quarter pounder, I presented it to her. No pickles, no onions, special order. — Coach
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They endure the story and conclude that every program has its flaws, and if that is all they have to deal with, beer leaguers they shall be.

> Beer league for life, bro! — Jonesy
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The kids at MoDean's have become restless, and two start to roughhouse. Wayne returns from a piss and lectures them about their horseplay while Gail has been microwaving smokies, and had now gone to get more pop and chips. He feels they will need some tough love, but since that is their parents' jobs's, they will sit down and "logic these problems to death."

> Look, this is a small town. If you get in trouble with the law, you're gonna get written up in the paper. Either the police briefs or the court reports, if you get charged. So, now, how silly would you feel, if you get written up in the paper for a crime, and that crime is mailbox stealin'? Like, it's about the squarest crime there is. — Wayne
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Daryl had been written up for mailbox stealin', and it was two calendar years and four fiscal months before a girl would give him any attention.

They move on to vandalism, and as it's "more than a bit fuckin' primitive to be shittin' in bags and throwin' it places," Wayne suggests they should do graffiti or something to be creative. Katy notes that they did it too at that age—

> Allegedly. — Dan, Wayne, and Daryl
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As for fighting, Wayne warns that everyone has their phone out taking videos all the time, and if you get into a fight and bet beat up or knocked out, a video of it is going onto the Internet (or the Dark Web), and it will follow you for the rest of your life.

Roald wants them to address name-callin', but Wayne dismisses it as "stick and stones." Bonnie returns to grab-assin', and on this Wayne makes it clear: don't fuck with girls. At this, Matt, another of the kids, is inspired to stand up and announce earnestly that he is going to quit messing around and become an actor, and Wayne warns against it, saying child actors are messed up by the pressure adults put on them to entertain. Another kid, Mandy, stands up to declare she is going to become a climate activist, and he waves her off as well, to avoid adults pressuring them to save the world.

Mike asks what it is they should do then, and Wayne is conciliatory.

> Well look, being a young shithead is a rite of passage. You're only a young shithead once. So, you might as well just go out and be a young shithead.
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Only, they should keep it between the lines, just as they all did—except Daryl, who got written up in *The Banner* for stealing mailboxes, and then no girls would touch him for two calendar years and four fiscal months.

Mark asks what the adults will do. Daryl will get hammered, Dan will carve his names into the bars, Katy will make fun of the Skids, Tyson will fight Joint Boy, and Rosie will "grab a big chunk of that ass."

> Well, sounds like we're gonna be young shitheads for a while yet, too. — Wayne
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## Quotes

* Dan: I think we need to take into consideration that… 17 melons have passed through that particular greengrocer's… and that… the wind hittin' her… vagina… would sounds more likes a… balloons leaking air out of a very thin hole.
* Dan: And I'll put what's left of youse in a standard envelope and mail you back to your goddamn parents!
* Rosie: Wanna know what happens to little boys in prison?
Dan: Let's try to keep this PGs.
* Wayne: Now, what kids need if they're gonna shape up is some tough love, but that's your parents' jobs's. As your peer, all I can offer yous is logic. So, what we're gonna do... (clears throat) is sit down here today and logic these problems to death.
* Matt: I've always wanted to be an actor. I am going to quit messing around and go do it.
Wayne: Well, don't fuckin' do that. Wait till you're older. Look how fucked up child actors get, with adults pressuring them to entertain. You'll have a needle in your arm by the time you're drinking age.
* Mandy: I'm going to be a climate activist just like…
Wayne: Don't do that! Well, like, look at how fucked up child actors get with adults pressuring them to entertain, like, fucking imagine how fucked up child climate activists get with adults pressuring them to save the fuckin' world!

## Callbacks and Running Gags

* Local kids are out of control (Hard Right Jay)
* Stealing mailboxes is a federal crime (Les Hiques)
* Allegedly (Super Soft Birthday)
* The hockey players hate leg day (Wingman Wayne)
* Selfish hockey (Sled Shack)
* Too much sugar cereal (The Election)
* You should be efficient (Relationships)
* Shit on the outside of the terlet (Yard Sale Saturday)
* Youse can always drive truck (The Native Flu)
* Tyson and Joint Boy knock each other out (Letterkenny Spelling Bee)
* "Beer league for life" is a callback to the hockey players' original motto, "fourth line for life" (Ain't No Reason to Get Excited)
* the Dark Web (The Ol' College Try)

## Cultural References

* The episode is a general sendup of talks conducted by teachers, coaches, youth ministers, and others, especially as portrayed on television, and their failure to make an impression on the youth. Examples include Wayne clearing his throat, sitting on a backwards-facing chair, and making awkward attempts to connect with the youth, and in the youths suddenly being inspired at the end of the episode to pursue noble goals.
* Theft or destruction of mailboxes is not uncommon, and F.A.K.U. was previously depicted engaged in both in the Season 3 episode Les Hiques. Although destruction or theft of mail is the worst offense, vandalism of mailboxes may indeed be prosecuted under the Canada Post Corporation Act.
* Carmen Sandiego is a media franchise that originated with the 1985 "edutainment" video game *Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?* The titular villain is a thief who travels the world, who the player must track down using geographic clues. *Tinker Gailer Soldier Spy* is a reference to the 1974 John le Carré novel *Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy*, a Cold War thriller about the hunt for a double agent in the British Special Intelligence Service, which was made into a well-regarded 2011 film. *Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.* was a television series which aired from 2013 to 2020 based on the Marvel Comics spy agency of that name. *Men in Black* is a Marvel Comics comedy science fiction franchise, based on the conspiracy theory of government agents dressed in black suits who supposedly harass UFO witnesses to silence them.
* The Coach's team, the No Regretzkys, is a reference to ice hockey legend Wayne Gretzky, and is not uncommon in recreational leagues.
* Acid-washed jeans are jeans washed in chlorine bleach (not acid) so that the dye is faded, and the garment has areas of contrasting color tones. The method was invented in the 1960s, but the look achieved its peak popularity in the 1980s.

## Trivia

* One of the kids in the episode, Matt, is played by Keegan Long. Long has been cast as "Liam" in the spinoff series *Shoresy*, anticipated for 2022.

## Music

According to Tunefind, the following songs are featured in this episode:

* Bulletproof by La Roux (the girls walk into the crowd)
* Wastin' Time by Indian Warriors
* Will by Losers
* Trespasser by Art D'Ecco
* Runnin' by Noahplause
* Only Me by Boat Culture (talking about the kids at the bar)
* Straight Line by The New Values (end credits)

## Appearances

* Wayne
* Katy
* Daryl
* Dan
* Rosie
* Gail
* Stewart
* Roald
* Bonnie
* Reilly
* Jonesy
* Coach
* Joint Boy
* Tyson
* the Kids
	+ Meghan (Jereelyn Corcoran)
	+ Mike (Matt Vesnaver)
	+ Mark (Keegan Long)
	+ Matt (Ryan Weale)
	+ Mandy (Emma Raynard)

## Locations

* Farmhouse
* MoDean's
* Hockey arena

## Gallery

*→ See **42** images from Kids with Problems at **Images from Kids with Problems**.*

## External links

* Kids with Problems, IMDb
* Kids with Problems, The Produce Stand podcast
* Kids with Problems, How Are Ya Now podcast