Ss'chlms

As far as the Guild of All-Knowing is aware, the proprietor of Ss'chlms is an odd and mentally lost gnome by the name of Simieon Ss'chlms. However, this isn't set in stone, as the owner is rarely seen. It is beyond us how this shop has remained open for the last 200 years as it has never had a customer, which in turn means it has never made a single coin of profit. Some researchers have been able to obtain a catalogue of the products that Ss'chlms offers. This can be seen below, as well as what a sign says beside the entrance to the establishment. An entrance no one has ever been able to open - because there is no door... because it has been drawn on to the wall.

*Note: Some, all, and none of these products is, are, and was available for purchase. For product prices and availability please contact your local Ss'chlms dealer, if you can find one. To find a local dealer, visit our website, if you can find it. Bulk and distributor pricing available upon request, in triplicate, signed and notorized and mailed to our corporate offices, if you can find it.*

* **Animals Cracker** - "*Put 'em In Your Mouth and Crunch 'em!*"
* **Asshole Cannon!** - "*Launches 100% pure assholes out of the barrel at a high velocity."*
* **Bath Ducks** - "*They Don't Squeek, they don't float, deal with it!"*
* **Bear Jacket** - "*We take the finest bears who have passed from "natural causes" (as our lawyers like to call it) and turn them into fine jackets.*"
* **Back Shaver** - "*You can't grow hair on your back if you have no skin there.*"
* **Clay Helmet** - "*It may protect your head, it may not, it hasn't really been tested. It's not really stylish or effective. For just twelve and a quarter payments of 5gp one might be yours, or it might not; send us the money and find out (payments will only be accepted in the form of coins minted before 2E 186). Designed by Anna and Elizabeth.*"
* **Compass of Parental Stalking** - "*For times when separation anxiety affects the matured more than the young, and a father needs to be a little too overbearing - this compass allows a parent to know the direction of their disapproving children.*" Ss'chlms will accept responsibility should your children come to any harm as a result of the compass refusing to tell you whether they are in danger or not, however, we will only give you a slight pat on the back in compensation. It'll cost extra if you want any feeling to go with it.
* **Creepy Mouse** - *Part of Ss'chlms Come Alive at Night Series*
* **Cup-on-a-Stick** - "*Have you ever wanted to drink liquids from a distance?*"
* **Dick Silencer** - "*Have you ever needed to urinate in absolute silence? You don't want no one hearing no splashes, do ya? This product, when used correctly, will mask your urination with the sounds of children crying.*"
* **Dog Hair Pillow** - "*A pillow for those times when your dog's hair is much more important to you than your actual dog.*"
* **Ss'chlms Eggs** - "*Throw 'em?*"
* **Fake Bananas** - "*You can put 'em in a bowl; you can throw 'em*"
* **Ghost Ham** - "*Buy it; don't cook it. It's already cooked. It is a ghost and it is there, just trust us. You might not be able to see it but really, it's there. Please keep your Ss'chlms Ghost Ham away from Ss'chlms Nothing as the two might be easily confused.*"
* **Giddy-up Socks** - *"Put 'em on your horse and they'll not enjoy a gallop." Any resemblance to actual horse socks are purely coincidental and are not intended to infringe on any currently patented or copyrighted horse sock designs.*
* **Good ol' Rope** - "*Do you have a neighbour who owns a dog that just won't stop shitting on your side of the road? Why not purchase a healthy length of Ss'chlms Good ol' Rope? It'll sort out any problem that you couldn't use regular ol' rope for.*"
* **Indoor Fireworks** - "*Thirty times louder, but don't go as high. 1/3 of the fuses are guaranteed to work. Just like it and watch the blast while you have a blast. "It's only fun if you hide it from your folks" Contents: Gunpowder, Charcoal, Sulphur, Quesadilla, Pre-chewed Gum, Nail Polish Remover, Ss'chlms Secret Ingredient*
* **No-Wait Game-Day (372 PM)** - "*There is literally nothing worse in the world than a day without the Golden Games. So what's a MAN to do when the season is over? Well, Ss'chlms has you covered. Take the Ss'chlms No-Wait Game-Day(372 PM)TM. Attache the assorted tubes, bags, monitors, tapes and restraints then enjoy a "peaceful" rest until the next game season is upon us!*" *Side effects include, but are not limited to: intense seizures, restlessness, hot and cold sweats, nausea, vomiting, sad tears, happy tears, blood clots, seemingly being awake and completely aware of your dreams, mild disorientation from being bed-ridden for over a year, death, sleep lasting longer than a year, often up to seven years, lung failure, death, loss of bowel control, awake paralysis, brain haemorrhaging, death, internal bleeding, external bleeding, a strong feeling you may be historical figure Numarious Fongle, body aches, wrist pain, death, sneezing, eagle feet, slight cough, chronic cough, death, and the overwhelming need to go whale watching. If you suffer from inner turmoil, sadness or bad memories from your past, you can expect an entire year of a hellscape featuring demons, being chased by those demons, football demons, nightmares during nightmares, angrier demons, robots, snack demons, headaches, and/or eye strain.*
* **NothingTM** - "*It's literally nothing.*"
* **One Size Fits All Lids**
* **One Shoe**
* **One Slice of Ham**
* **Oops!** - "*It was intended to be a burn salve but due to a huge foreseeable mistakes during R&D, it ended up being an edible powder that tastes like candy.*"
* **P.P. Lincoln *(a Ss'chlms production)*** - "*This 1922 film set in the American Midwest is a romantic epic about a penis trying to find the vagina from whence it came. This was Mae West's debut film.*" *It should be noted; no one knows what a "film" is (not even the Guild of All-Knowing), where or what the "American Midwest" is, or who "Mae West" was or is.*
* **Pinch of Anxiety**
* **Seaman Spray** - "*Have you ever wanted to smell like a seaman? It's a salty, creamy liquid in a spray bottle. Twist the lid and point at your chin.*"
* **Shark Jacket** - "*New and improved formula! Now waterproof! The Ss'chlms Shark Jacket keeps your shark nice and warm on those cold winter nights. Wrestle the jacket onto your shark; it's fun for the whole family!*" *Appropriate for ages 15 days and up.*
* **Small Blanket** - "*It might cover a crumb or two.*"
* **Sniffing Glue** - "*Doesn't stick to anything, you can't glue anything with it but at least it smells good.*"
* **STRAW v2** - *"HEY, DUMB-ASS. DO YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO USE A STRAW?!?! WELL NOW YOU DONT NEED TO LEARN. SS’CHLMS HAS DEVELOPED A BRAND NEW PRODUCT FOR ABSOLUTE KING-FUCKING-MORONS LIKE YOU. INTRODUCING... STRAW v2. IT DOESNT EVEN NEED TO BE IN THE FUCKING DRINK!" **WARNING:** side effects of STRAW v2 are not fully known, but definitely includes mercury poisoning.*
* **Surprise Foil Wrap**
* **Teeny Tiny Fire Extinguisher** - "*Puts out candles real good.*"
* **Three Nuts** - "*Now with less pornographic material.*"
* **Trash Fire** - "*When you wanna warm your house and your heart but you don't want to pay the fucking gas company.*" *It should be noted, no one knows what a gas company is.*
* **Whoopsie-daise!** - "*Intended to be a line of women's blouses, however, due to Victor's unregulated experimentations in the Ss'chlms basement, the blouses ended up being living beings that were put up for adoption. Victor was promptly fired for his misappropriation of company resources but there are rumours that he continued his strange experiments.*"