recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Sara

Sara, the Mother of Nature, is one of the spirits of Linnath. Considered to be one of the least powerful, in reality she is one of the most. Little is known about her, indeed she is one of the most mysterious of the spirits. Her domain consists of the forests and woodlands of Linnath.

## General Info

### Patronage

Lady of the Forests, Lady of Nymphs and Dryads, Nursemaid to the Earth

## Personal Info

### Symbol

A tree made of amber or an oak leaf of clay.

## Appearance

Sara is often portrayed in art and literature as a fair woman at one with nature, as a nymph, or fairy. It is forbidden to portray her as being in a city, or to write about her entering one.

In art, Sara is surprisingly well-represented, and it is rare to find a picture or painting of nature that does not in some way have her within it, and artists will often hide her in the background if there is no room for her in the painting or tapestry itself.

## Powers

Sara is said to be able to purge diseases with her touch, and cause life to grow in even the most barren of climates.

It is said that those who find favor with Sara never die, but are reincarnated as a new creature according to the holiness of their lives. Some say this conflicts with the Katelikessan teaching that the good enter the plains of the gods upon death, yet is largely overlooked as simply a pious devotion of her followers.

## Church & Servants

The Sarian Church is one of the smaller in the realms, containing only 45,000 clergy. Her temples are often found in the forests and countryside, and are indeed forbidden within city walls. Her clergy also prefer to stay away from cities, and only enter their walls when they absolutely must.

One group of Sara's clergy members who do often have reason to enter cities consists of a special office in the priesthood which calls for a defending of the strict practices of her worship. Colloquially called Heresy Hunters, these priests prevent Sara from being depicted against the Church's teachings, as well as stamping out confusion of Sara with her servants the fey or even the Old Gods.

Sarian Clergy wear robes of an off-white patterned with ivy, a green bough bent about their head.
Beryl Spooner

**Beryl Spooner** is one of the many ex-wives of James Spooner who attend his funeral at Westminster Abbey in *Dust and Scrub, Scrub and Dust* in Belinda Blinked 6, where she was angered that the order for the funeral procession was based on who Spooner had last had sex with, with another ex-wife Charlene being particularly angry at her because Spooner apparently promised he had only fingered Beryl after he signed their divorce papers in blood and yet Beryl was ahead of her in the procession, presumably meaning Charlene was James' wife immediately after Beryl.
Confidential Order of Cookware Knights

### Goals

Combatting the industrial espionage and domestic terrorism committed by Herr Bisch

### Enemies

Herr Bisch, The Special One

The **Confidential Order of Cookware Knights**, or **COCK**, is a secret society, mostly consisting of Steele's Pots and Pans employees, created by Belinda Blumenthal in response to the danger posed by Herr Wolfgang Bisch, his rival company Bisch-Herstellung Enterprises and the Special One, Giselle Sylvester. It is often unclear what exactly their goals are or how they plan to achieve them but Rocky mentioned that "around 20 characters" formed the group.

COCK was formed immediately following the kidnapping of Prof. Slinz by the Special One. Following its formation, a large number of their members were minorly injured in the bombing of Steele's Pots and Pans, prompting the group's members to go into hiding. However, after Belinda and Bella were captured in Australia by the Special One and her accomplice, COCK rushed to their aid, and managed to rescue them.

After the arrrest of Bisch and Belinda's subsequent takeover of Bisch-Herstellung at the end of Book 6, it is unknown whether COCK is still active.

## Members

### Permanent

* Belinda Blumenthal (founder)
* Bella Ridley
* Tony Sylvester
* The Duchess
* Sir James Godwin
* Jim Stirling
* Bill
* Maeve (formerly; arrested)
* Des Martin
* Dave Wilcox
* Patrick O'Hamlyn
* Ken Dewsbury
* Jim Thompson

### Honorary

* Paddy (barman)
* Toffee Apple Chew (The Duchess' horse)
* Monty (Anciently Housemaster of the Keys)
Arvaella

Arvaella, the Mistress of Magic, is one of the Spirits of Linnath. Apart from having a large following amongst the mages of the realm, she is also the patroness of Alchemists, Scribes, and Sages. It is said that to her and those she blesses all the mysteries of the arcane shall be unraveled.

## General Info

### Patronage

Mistress of Magic, Lady of the Leylines, Patroness of Alchemists

## Personal Info

### Symbol

A smoking brazier with seven stars about it

### Appearance

A young wizard's apprentice in dark blue robes, often holding a vial. OR A middle-aged witch in similar garb.

## Appearance

Arvaella is depicted most commonly in art and literature as a young and beautiful sorceress, often with some sort of magic or potion within her grasp. It is custom to depict her as more innocent, naive, or weak than she actually is. This is in part due to the schools of magic which she seems to favor.

She is sometimes depicted as a mother, being on of the few Spirits of Linnath to have multiple 'progeny' who are known to the world.

## Powers

Arvaella is the most powerful magic-user to ever exist, focusing mainly on the schools of Enchantment, Divination, and Alteration. Wizards who study these magics are the most beloved of Arvaella.

She is also the foremost alchemist of the realm, and has knowledge of every potion that has existed, exists, and will exist in the future. It is said that with a mere thought she can inspire an alchemist to discover or stumble upon a potion that has as of yet been unknown to the world.

Her realm is often depicted as a vast mansion filled with libraries, enchanted grottos, and alchemical labs. Her throne is said to be placed within a room of shimmering water, magical rainbows and physical manifestations of magic filling it.

## Church & Servants

The Arvaellan Church has a pyramid-like structure, drawing its leadership from both Clerics and Wizards. They often wear long hooded robes of dark blue or purple, trimmed about the edges with intricate patterns. The robes are often adorned with intricate and complex cinctures.

Clerics of Arvaella have a litany which they pray every day, and which is used commonly as a blessing to those who ask for it.
Point Depot

**Point Depot**, also known as the **Weapons Depot** and the **Combine Drop Area**, is a Combine base found in Dan's Half-Life in the chapter The Battle of Deftin. The base was built ten days after the Seven-Hour War.

### Overview

After the Deftin War, the C130 that took Gordon to Camp Redskie takes Gordon to Point Depot. A rebel also in the helicopter hands Gordon an OICW, and he gets dropped off. If done correctly, the Combine will lose control of Point Depot and the Resistance will gain control. Before this, however, the player will come across the Combine Director. Once you defeat the Combine Director, then the base is officially the Resistance's. However, a soldier sent a distress signal and the base is attacked. After this attack is defended, the player moves on from Point Depot and leaves to the St. Neal Coast .

### Trivia

* The entire base is a reference to the Depot chapter of Half-Life 2, which was cut.
* The Combine Director is a subtle reference to Advisors.
* In the Combine Director's office, a picture of Edvard Grieg is found. This is a reference to a room in Half-Life 2 full of security monitors and a picture of Mark Twain.
Aunt Bobbie

**Bobbie** is a character featured in Christmas Porno 4. She is the sister of Gloria Ridley and Bella Ridley's aunt. She is also married to Uncle Ariel and they own a dog named Fizz Fudge.

## Personality

Aunt Bobbie is very loving towards her sister and, of course, her dog.

## Notes

* Alice mentions on the podcast after Aunt Bobbie is introduced that she wants to be her.
Belinda's apartment

Belinda's apartment is an apartment complex located in Central London. There is a concrete spiral staircase linking the garage to the first floor.

## Features

Not much information is given about Belinda's apartment, other than there is at least one bedroom containing a large, purple waterbed.

## Season 3

Belinda and Des Martin arrive back to Belinda's apartment. They have sex on the concrete steps. When finished, Belinda let Des come into her apartment, and took him into her bedroom and lied down on her waterbed.

## Notes

* Seeing as though Belinda and Des didn't go through any doors when going to Belinda's apartment, it is often joked that her apartment is just an open platform at the top of the stairs
Zachariah

Contessa Lucia Lorenzo

Zachariah is the owner of the underground nightclub known as Buckley's. His only appearance in the stories is in S4E4 "Zachariah's Magic Wand", an episode which also introduced the Contessa Lucia Lorenzo.

Zachariah is very skilled at blowing smoke up someone's ass. It's this special skill of his that makes him a star player in possibly one of the most bizarre and memorable sex scenes in the entire series.

## Appearance

Zachariah has a very noticeable fashion sense: in the episode where Belinda meets him, he's apparently dressed like a wizard, with a long-sleeved, scintillating robe.

## Personality

Zachariah is an extremely theatrical character, judging by his flamboyant outfits and his dramatic leading of Belinda's sexual encounter with him.

## Biography

When Belinda meets the Duchess and Contessa Lucia at the central London Ritz cocktail bar, the three women have dinner and then go out to Buckley's.

Upon arrival, the Duchess leaves her two friends to go off with a muscle boy body-builder with a tiny pee-head. Belinda and Lucia, meanwhile, are led through several doorways cordoned off with a fake boulder and a curtain, and end up in a large room reminiscent of a Middle Eastern palace. There, they wait.

Zachariah soon enters, dressed in a voluminous, sparkling robe, accompanied by some pyrotechnic effects and carbon monoxide vapours. He greets them, and produces a a long, thin cigar from his sleeve. He tells them that it is in fact the very well-known Tamarix flute. Belinda has actually heard of this flute, but apparently the stories she's heard say that the flute doesn't really exist.

At Zachariah's request, Belinda removes her underwear and spreads her legs. Zachariah lights the cigar, inhales a draught, and blows the smoke into her vagina. Lucia, not wanting to be left out, pokes her rear end upwards, and Zachariah blows some smoke into her bottom-hole. Belinda, having let the smoke out of her hot-box, scuttles like a crab to Lucia, and pushes her vagina against Lucia's bottom, and Lucia farts the smoke into Belinda's vagina.

Zachariah then twirls on the spot, and when he comes to a standstill, he's magically taken his clothes off. They roll around together, and have sex until the cows come home.
The Finale - Part 1

The **first part** of the finale of *My Dad Wrote a Porno* debuted on 28 November 2022.

## Description

*It's the beginning of the end. After six books and over 430 million downloads, Jamie, Alice and James gather round the kitchen table once more to read the first part of the 'My Dad Wrote A Porno' finale. Belinda gathers her friends, colleagues and lovers as she bids a fond farewell to Steele's Pots and Pans...*

## Featured Characters

*In order of appearance:*

* Belinda Blumenthal
* Mistress Sweetjuice (mentioned)
* Patrick O'Hamlyn (mentioned)
* Ken Dewsbury (mentioned)
* Dave Wilcox (mentioned)
* Bella Ridley
* Des Martin
* Tony Sylvester
* Giselle Sylvester
* Peter Rouse

## Featured Locations

*In order of appearance:*

* The Banks, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil (first appearance)
* Steele's HQ, London (mentioned)
* The Horse and Jockey (mentioned)

## Introduction

*Prior to starting the chapter, Team Porno discuss...*

* Bringing the podcast to an end
* Receiving a lot of messages about why Book 7 hadn't been announced
* Bringing the story of Belinda to a close as she leaves Steele's
* The astounding brevity of Rocky's chapter titles

## Synopsis

Belinda organises her Steele's farewell party in Rio de Janeiro after being appointed PCOEO (President & Chief Operating and Executive Officer) of Bisch-Herstellung, inviting her friends, lovers and colleagues using envelopes which only mentioned that having a passport was essential and having clothes was not. They were blindfolded, apparently nude, on a flight to Brazil and arrived at precisely the date mentioned in the detailed spreadsheet - 21:37pm.

At the event location on the banks of Rio de Janeiro, which is apparently Brazil's capital in the Belindaverse, Belinda thinks about her past erotic escapades with Mistress Sweetjuice and the RSMs. After the guests file in she makes an echo-filled speech thanking Steele's for hiring her and "jokes" that Bisch-Herstellung will run them out of business under her leadership. Des Martin breaks out his ocarina and the entire assembled Steele's staff belt out a song thanking Belinda for her great work as their boss. Tony gifts Belinda a brown envelope which contains her long-awaited bonus.

The festivities turn to a massive orgy. Belinda originally intended to attempt to break the Guinness World Record for the most people having sex at once but although thirty seconds counts as a fuck in the Guinness rules, cumming is not necessary so Belinda thought it was a pointless endeavour and abandoned it. Midway through the orgy Belinda spies a male body wearing the face of her beloved Peter Rouse, whom she had last seen many moons ago. Peter gets on his knees and asks Belinda to marry him, despite having been married the last time Belinda saw him.

## Trivia

* Rocky mentions that the last time Peter saw Belinda was when he put strange fluid symbols into her back but, as Team Porno points out, they last saw each other properly at his office in Amsterdam. Peter and Christina were also present at Tony and Giselle's wedding.
Christina Rouse

**Christina "Chris" Rouse** is the wife of supermarket chain CEO Peter Rouse and a recurring character in the Belinda Blinked books.

## Biography

### Season 2

Christina first appears to Belinda Blumenthal after her romps with Dr Robbins and Helga, and escorts her through a maze of lobbies and meeting rooms to her husband Peter's office after some fondling between the two women. Christina leaves and Peter and Belinda have sex - it seems that Christina is aware of this and is happy for her husband to have sex with other women as it is a key strategy of his to obtain sales deals from the likes of Steele's Pots and Pans.

### Season 4

Christina and her husband are seen at Tony and Giselle's wedding speaking to Helga and Dr Robbins, although Belinda does not approach them to make conversation.

## Trivia

* Christina is mentioned as a niece of Sir James Godwin, the Chairman of the Board of Steele's Pots and Pans, meaning he has a (currently unmentioned) sibling who is Christina's parent.
* It is possible that Christina holds a position of some sort at her husband's company as Belinda first encounters her outside her husband's office at the company's headquarters.

## Appearances

* Season 2 episode 5
* Season 4 episode 3
* Christmas Porno 1, 5
Main Manager Man

The **Main Manager Man** is a character featured in the second part of the finale of *My Dad Wrote a Porno*. He is the manager of the Brazilian feasting room in Rio de Janeiro which Belinda Blumenthal held her farewell dinner in and kicked the group out mid-orgy.

## Trivia

* The Main Manager Man is the second *Belinda Blinked* character with 'Manager' in their name, after Sam the Youngish Manager.
François Gérard

**François Gérard** is a character mentioned in *My Dad Wrote a Christmas Porno 2*. He was The Duchess' ski instructor at a skiing school in Switzerland over forty years prior to the events of the chapter and got her pregnant, which The Duchess says stopped her from joining the British Olympic skiing team. The Duchess mentions this story to Belinda Blumenthal on their skiing holiday in the Scottish Cairngorms, where she owns a family castle.

François is only a mentioned character and does not appear in the flesh in any Belinda Blinked books or specials.
Lara Alexandra Kuznetsov

**Lara Alexandra Kuznetsov** is the subordinate of Grigor Calanski in the Belinda Blinked books. Belinda Blumenthal encounters Lara and Grigor together at the Amsterdam casino, Casino Étoile, with Peter Rouse. Belinda assumes that Lara is some kind of guardian for Grigor, but it's not confirmed what her role is.

When we see Lara, she is angry and unfiltered. She tells Belinda, in front of Grigor, that he is a Russian slob, and advises Belinda to leave. When Grigor reminds Lara that their company needs more international business contacts, Lara grudgingly agrees, bemoaning that Belinda is English, "beautiful but stupid".

Shortly afterwards Grigor and Belinda go off together and Lara leaves with Peter, presumably having sex with him.

## Personality

Lara is very mistrustful of Belinda when they meet (largely because she doesn't like working with the English), and actively tries to make an uncomfortable atmosphere to make her leave. She is not very open to help from outsiders, and considers herself and her colleagues to be superior to others.

## Notes

* Lara's full name is never actually mentioned in the text of Belinda Blinked 2, only in the book's blurb.
* Despite her boss Grigor attending Tony and Giselle's wedding in Book 4, Lara does not do the same.
Mary Snowball

**Mary Snowball** is a character in the *Belinda Blinked* series who is first seen in Christmas Porno 6. She serves as the (apparently seasonal) Head of Operations for Steele's Pots and Pans, working out of the Office of Operations, and allows Belinda Blumenthal to use a megaphone to tell the entire company about auditions for the Steele's pantomime. She chews a lot of gum and speaks quite curtly.

## Trivia

* Given her seasonally-appropriate name, Team Porno joke that Mary must share her job with other people named after holidays to keep the morale of Steele's employees up throughout the year, such as Sarah Pumpkin at Halloween and Genevieve Thanksgiving-Turkey.
* As Belinda refers to her as "Mrs Mary Snowball" it is likely that she is married, though it is unknown who to.
Mr Blumenthal

**Mr Blumenthal** is the father of Belinda Blumenthal and husband of Mrs Blumenthal in the *Belinda Blinked* books. As-yet-unseen, he owns various vineyards across the globe and is a successful wine seller who taught Belinda everything she knows about business.

Based on a comment by Belinda, about the 3 B Tree being about Belinda and her parents, it's possible that Mr and Mrs Blumenthal's names both start with a B.

## Appearance and Personality

Not much is known about Mr Blumenthal's appearance as he has not appeared in the flesh in the books as of yet, but he appears to be a very loving father as he taught Belinda a lot about business. He also loves his wife a lot as he allows her to sell off vintage champagne from their wine cellar whenever she gets a bum burlesque review.

## Notes

* Team Porno have affectionately dubbed him Bobby Blumenthal, but his actual first name is not currently known.
Belinda Blinked Wikia

We are currently editing over 201 articles, and 40 files.

***"The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff."***

The Belinda Blinked series describes the sexual escapades - *sexcapades* if you will - of Belinda Blumenthal and her co-workers at Steeles' Pots and Pans. Penned by well-acclaimed author Rocky Flintstone, these amazing and life-changing books have been turned into a podcast that's a real treat for the ears. The book is read by Jamie Morton (son of the author, but we try to forget that), and features James Cooper and Radio 1's Alice Levine.

This wiki goes into detail surrounding the world of Belinda Blinked, so that next time there's a lockdown quiz you'll get more answers right than wrong.

WARNING: This wiki contains spoilers for the Belinda Blinked stories (unsurprisingly). Continue at your own risk ❤

## Book Summaries

Main Link: Belinda Blinked 1

Main Link: Belinda Blinked 2

Main Link: Belinda Blinked 3

Main Link: Belinda Blinked 4

Main Link: Belinda Blinked 5

Main Link: Belinda Blinked 6

## Standalone Short stories

The following are stories that are non-canon, and not part of the established book timeline. However, some of them reference events mentioned in the books.

* Steel's Pots and Pans Xmas party; (Christmas Porno 1)
* Belinda Blinked; Let's go skiing; (Christmas Porno 2)
* Unknown Chapter Title (Christmas Porno 3)
* Belinda's blinking Xmas (Christmas Porno 4)
* Belinda Blinked: The Lost Chapter. Team Building with the Regional Sales Managers; (MDWAP HBO Special)
* It's a Blinkin' Life (Christmas Porno 5)
* Sleep in Heavenly Fleece (Christmas Porno 6 Part 1)
* Cinderella the Intern (Christmas Porno Part 2)

## Celebrity fans

* Celebrity fans

The podcast adaptation of the Belinda Blinked novellas is lucky enough to have hosted many celebrity fans over the years. Some big names include Elijah Wood, Daisy Ridley, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Josh Groban, and Dame Emma Thompson.

## Rocky's Writing Style

* Rocky's Writing Style

An in depth list of some of the cornerstones of Rocky's inimitable writing style.

## Lockdown Trivia Night

Article: Lockdown Quiz

On May 4th 2020, the porno team hosted a trivia night over Facebook Live. It lasted for about two hours and had 5 categories: Names, Numbers, Nookie, Rocky, and Whattie.

## Latest activity

Photos and videos are a great way to add visuals to your wiki. Find videos about your topic by exploring Wikia's
Mrs Huddlebird

**Mrs Huddlebird** is a deceased character in the *Belinda Blinked* books. She was Belinda Blumenthal's grade 3 bassoon teacher when she was younger, and is seen during Belinda's visit to heaven knocking back shots with Nelson Mandela and teaching him to play the bassoon in the afterlife, before Belinda is sent back down to Earth.
The Bull in the Rushes

**The Bull in the Rushes** is a local pub in London located close to the Steele's Pots and Pans headquarters. Their menu includes drinks and sandwiches. Belinda Blumenthal takes her team of Regional Sales Managers and Jim Thompson to the pub for lunch midway through their first meeting, and exposes her nipples to them by removing her bra and jacket in the ladies' toilets and dabbing her nipples with tap water. So far the pub has only appeared in The Regional Sales Meeting.
Three B's Baked Beans

**Three B's Baked Beans** is a contraband baked beans franchise owned by Wayne Bert and Herr Wolfgang Bisch, with Bert owning 90% and Bisch 10%. The company originally started from Bert's time in the US Army on the Rhine where he stole four million tins of rationed baked beans and sold them for profit until he was discovered and arrested. Bisch soon stepped in which allowed the franchise to become a bankroll for Bisch-Herstellung Enterprises from their millions gathered in money laundering. Both Bert and Bisch had the logo of the company (the so-called 'three B tree') tattooed on their head and leg respectively as signing a contract in skin ink means it can never be gotten out of, but when Bisch's relative Mrs Blumenthal asked Clint to tattoo it on Belinda in hopes that it would protect her from her dangerous step-uncle, he began seeking her out to exterminate her. Their plans, however, were put to a stop when Bert, Bisch and their accomplice Maeve were arrested by The Duchess and Helga Jonker.
Shangri La Hotel

The **Shangri La Hotel** is a hotel in Australia in the *Belinda Blinked* books. Belinda Blumenthal and Bella Ridley stay at the hotel during their visit to Australia to find George and Giselle Sylvester. After Belinda is presumed dead when she is kidnapped by George and Herr Wolfgang Bisch, she stays at the hotel until Bella arrives in Sydney to pick her up. The hotel is known for its bar and its views (from the postcards).

## Staff

* Gunda: barmaid, secretly Agent XYZ/The Exceptional One working for Herr Wolfgang Bisch to gather information on George Sylvester

## Rooms

Belinda Blumenthal's suite at the hotel is described as having a wombat skin rug during her encounter with Trixie Forward in Saucy Pans and Cheeky Woks.

## Menu

The Shangri La Hotel is known to offer all day breakfast lasagne in their restaurant, as well as Australian chardonnay for drinks, which Bella and Belinda have during their stay there. Bella says that the breakfast lasagne cures her of her Time Zone Lurgy after the flight.

## Appearances

* Season 5 episode 10
* Season 6 episode 3 *(mentioned only)*, 4
Iain Snail

**Iain Snail** is a character in the *Belinda Blinked* books. He debuts in *The Winner Takes It All* as the Head of Marketing at Steele's Pots and Pans who hosts the company's breakfast radio broadcast. He is known to be quite prudish but he is on International Sales Director Bella Ridley's office bingo card so she is determined to have sex with him as the company celebrates Belinda Blumenthal's victory over Bisch-Herstellung.

## Notes

* As a result of the season six finale listening party on Twitter, Iain Snail's name trended on the platform in the UK for several hours on 2 August 2021.
Matilda

**Matilda**, known to Andy Milston as **"Big Titty Matilda"**, is a character in the *Belinda Blinked* books. She is the receptionist for Shakespeare Retail Stores' Yorkshire distribution centre. Not much is actually known about her, as she is only referenced by Andy once while giving a tour of the distribution centre to Belinda Blumenthal.

## Appearance

Though she has not appeared in the flesh in the books, if Andy's nickname is to be trusted Matila seemingly has large breasts.
Neil MacDuff

**Noel MacDuff** is an employee of Steele's Pots and Pans who works in the quality control department of the company's factory in Scotland. He and Production Director George McIntosh get involved with Bella Ridley during the massive company orgy at the factory during the Glee Team's visit in Book 4.

## Appearance

Not much is known about Noel appearance-wise but the hosts believe he has rather large testicles as Rocky describes Bella as having been lying under them with her face completely hidden at the end of the orgy.

## Notes

* Noel and George are only mentioned during and after the orgy scene when James Spooner arrives, and is never mentioned again.
Tommy Stoneshire

**Tommy Stoneshire** is a former associate of James Spooner. During their days together at private school Tommy was a prefect in Devonshire wing and once had a "romp" with Spooner which he reminisced about during a sexual encounter with Giselle Sylvester.

## Notes

* As Stoneshire was only mentioned on one occasion, he has not appeared in the flesh yet in any of the Belinda Blinked books.
* James and Tommy's schooltime relationship is the only known instance of a male-on-male relationship so far during Rocky Flintstone's books.
Grigor Calanski

**Grigor Calanski** is a Russian businessman who first appears in Book 2 of the Belinda Blinked series. Belinda meets him when she goes with Peter Rouse to the Casino Étoile in Amsterdam, and Peter introduces him as the biggest supplier of quality caviar to his organisation. Grigor has a subordinate named Lara Alexandra Kuznetsov, who is with him at the casino, though he is outwardly dismissive of her and it is unclear what exactly her role is. Grigor is one of the invitees to Giselle and Tony's wedding.

## Appearance

Grigor is described as being large and bear-like (the Porno Team compares him to Hagrid from Harry Potter). He is also rather unkempt, and is described as being greasy. According to the cover of Book 2, he also has a hammer and sickle tattoo on his chest.

## Personality

The Porno Team describes him as an oligarch cliché: large, rich, with expensive tastes, patronising to his underlings and to the women he fancies. He likes calling foreign women by the nationality (ex: he calls Belinda 'English' and Maeve 'Irish'). However, he is quite business-minded and dismisses his subordinate Lara's distrust of the English by recognising that his organisation needs more international contrasts with the likes of Steele's Pots and Pans.

## Appearances

* Season 2 episodes 6, 7
* Season 4 episode 2
Aldo Felini

**Aldo Felini** is an Italian businessman who appears in Book 3 of the Belinda Blinked series. He is one of the many business contacts Belinda makes at the charity orgy she attends with Alfonse Stirbacker. After the orgy, Belinda "instinctively" knows they will meet again in the future, though this has yet to happen.

## Appearance

Aldo Fellini is described as a lithe-looking, olive-skinned youngish man, with a medium-length haircut to be envied.

## Notes

* Given Aldo's suggestion to Belinda to meet up again, it can be assumed that Aldo will be seen in a future Belinda Blinked book.
* In Book 4, it was retroactively revealed that the Contessa Luccia Lorenzo is Aldo's business partner.
Mrs Blumenthal

Mum (to Belinda)

**Mrs Blumenthal** is the mother of Belinda Blumenthal and wife of Mr Blumenthal in the *Belinda Blinked* books who debuts in *B;B;B;*. She harbours a secret pertaining to the mysterious tattoo on Belinda's leg which Clint did for her eighteenth birthday.

Based on a comment by Belinda, about the 3 B Tree being about Belinda and her parents, it's possible that Mr and Mrs Blumenthal's names both start with a B.

## Appearance and Personality

According to Rocky Flintstone, Mrs Blumenthal looks almost exactly the same as her daughter, only older. She wears a feathered headband and a body-clinging bisk (or bask) which she unhooks to reveal her "luscious" breasts. She may be a drug addict as it is mentioned that she's probably doing a line when Belinda finds her out of the house. She also drinks a lot and is an okay burlesque dancer, as well as operating her husband's wine cellar (which she uses to subsidise her career by selling an 1830s champagne whenever she gets a bad review) and singing randomly when her daughter enters the room.

## Appearances

* Season 6 episodes 6, 7, 8 (mentioned only)
O2

**The O2**, formerly known as the **Millennium Dome**, is a large entertainment district in south east London housing an indoor arena, cinema, music club, exhibition space, bars, restaurants and shops built in 1999. It was the site of Belinda Blumenthal's keynote presentation advertising the products of Steele's Pots and Pans to 20,000 women, including Betty Wilkes and Vicky Woods, which resulted in each attendee receiving a Steele's wok free of charge.

## Staff

### Sound Crew

* Alfie the small man dressed in black - helped mic Belinda up before her presentation

## Notes

* Despite the O2 no longer being officially referred to as the Millennium Dome, Rocky Flintstone alternates between its current and former monikers throughout the Belinda Blinked books.
Elijah Wood

Elijah Wood, 35, a famous actor, was featured on the footnote episode number 2 of Season 2. He also recommended Jessica Chastain to be cast as Belinda and Angelina Jolie as The Duchess. However, he quickly took this back at the information that she was only 41.

Wood has been a fan since season 1 and allegedly listens to it in his car when driving round LA.

When Rocky found out about Elijah's appearance on the podcast, he asked, "Was he Frodo or Bilbo?". He didn't answer.

## Desired Role

Elijah would like to play Sam, the Youngish Man, in the TV adaptation.
Vaunt

Of the Spirits of Linnath, Vaunt is the least trusted. He is known by most of the common folk as the one to take people away from their loved ones at death. Even during the harvest, when farmers implore him for a good season, it is seen as begging for mercy, rather than graciousness for a gift. Despite this, Vaunt is not an evil Spirit, but rather represents a slightly colder side of Katelikessar's goodness -- his infinite justice.

## General Info

### Patronage

Lord of the Harvest, The Reaver, Death, Lord of the Cold Isles, The Prince of Assassins

## Appearance

Vaunt is rarely depicted, even in his temples. The public does this out of fear, and the Church does it to foster this fear into obedience toward Vaunt's ordinances. When he is depicted - such as at tombs - he is almost always hooded, or even masked. This also gives symbolic meaning to the masking of Vaunt's assassins, making them metaphorical avatars of Death.

## Powers

It is said that Vaunt can make any blow deadly, no matter how ill-placed or weak, and that his Church's assassins are so successful partially due to such intervention on his part.

It is also said that Vaunt and Sara share dominion over the fields of men. While Sara claims dominion because of the plantlife there, Vaunt is the master of the harvest - the death of the plants adding to the circle of life. It is said that famines and ill-harvests are the result of disagreements between the two.

## Church and Servants

The Vauntian Church has few followers, but plenty of clergy and... employees. From priests to make the harvest bountiful to shadowy monks to make the enemies of the Faith less bountiful (with or without the consent of the Katiskan).

The public services performed by the clergy include burials; harvest prayers; and, once a year, festivals during the harvest season, during which people wear masks to show that even if the yields of the season were plentiful, the hour of Death is anonymous.
Kathleen Openhammer

**Kathleen Openhammer** is a character mentioned in the *Belinda Blinked* series. She is a security operative working in the Backup Requests Department of Señor Zip's organisation and he directs Belinda Blumenthal to her over her special retina-sensitive shades when she calls for backup while chasing Maeve in *Hush, Little Belinda, Don't You Cry*. However, Belinda refuses to go through her and throws the shades to the floor and thus receives no help. Not much else is known about Kathleen but it is possible that she also works for The Duchess.
Nicholas Hoult

Nicholas Hoult is an English actor who was the celebrity guest on the 10thfootnote of season 3 of My Dad Wrote a Porno. He is known for his roles in About a Boy, Mad Max: Fury Road, and the X-Men films.

During their conversation, they spend a lot of time talking about the potential movie adaptation of the Belinda Blinked stories. Nicholas provided some insights into the logistics of sex scenes, and they discussed celebrity casting, basing themselves off the cast of the X-Men films. They suggest the role of Alfie the Smallish Man dressed in black for James McAvoy, and the role of Giselle Sylvester for Jennifer Lawrence.

Since the upcoming episode was Giselle's hen do, Nicholas told a story about a hen do he was tricked into attending when he was 19. Apparently, despite being 19 and the only man there, he was very well behaved and didn't do anything sordid. The only detail from the night he gave was when the party got in a car to go somewhere else, and he was pinned down and everyone ate salt off his nipples.

Nick asked the porno team if they'd been approached with offers to adapt the series into porn, and apparently they have actually gotten offers.

Nicholas led the group on an visualisation exercise, to think up the place their porno would be set. Nick suggested a futuristic brothel modelled after an Argos shop.

Nick was farewelled with a signed Rocky mug.

## Character casting

Nicholas Hoult wants to play Adaam, the sales assistant from Forster's of Knightsbridge. He mentions that he would've also liked the role of Sam the Youngish Man, were it not that Elijah Wood had already called dibs on it first.
Doc Al

**Doc Al** is a character in Belinda Blinked 6. He is an Australian flying doctor, travelling to treat patients including Belinda Blumenthal on his airbus flyer; he first appears in The Flying Doctor.

He has a PhD degree in "Prehensile Toes and Their Presence in Modern-Day Women" from Money Ash University which causes him to conduct his own enquiries into Belinda's toes.

## Appearance

Doc Al is described as having a nose like a crooked carrot and hair like a cauliflower, causing Belinda to think he's a hunk. During sex his hair becomes wet and slaps against his rectum-red forehead.

## Notes

* Based on the nickname 'The Flying Doctor', Doc Al is probably a member of the Royal Flying Doctor Service, specially tasked with providing medical care to isolated areas of the Australian outback.
Jim Walters

Jim Walters is the head of Apollo Security Agencies, an organisation in the Belinda Blinked books. The character of Jim Walters has appeared twice (as of Book 5), but has never had any dialogue or description, and his company is similarly vaguely defined.

After Belinda and her bosses become aware of the threat posed by the Special One, they hire Jim's company to protect Professor Slinz.

## Appearances

* Season 3 episode 3
* Season 4 episode 6 (mentioned)
* Season 6 episode 8 (mentioned)

## Notes

* Jim Walters is one of the few characters whose role in the story seems to be thought out. However, it's unsure whether there was planning involved, or whether Rocky realised his potential later on.
* When Slinz is kidnapped, there is no sign of any kind of security detail on him. This is not a great ad for Jim's company.
Quince

**Quince** is a Spanish backpacker from the Costa del Sol, who appears in Book 5 of the Belinda Blinked novellas. Belinda and Bella encounter him while travelling around Australia, and he tags along with them on their sex-stuffed adventure. He is later revealed to be working for Giselle and George Sylvester, and is instrumental in helping them capture Belinda and Bella.

## Appearance

Although Quince isn't described much, his penis is at times called a 'floppy eleventh finger' and a 'Spanish chorizo', prompting the Porno team to wonder about its size, colour and texture.

## Biography

Quince meets Belinda and Bella on a train near the Whitsundays, when he hides in their compartment to dodge the fair. Bella makes some innuendos to him, and from then on he accompanies them on their travels, joining in with their sexy times. He stays with them in their youth hostel, and takes part in the large orgy that takes place on all the beds Belinda had dismantled and attached together.

The next day, when Bella, Belinda and Quince are having sex on a beach, Quince gets upset and starts apologising for something. Assuming he's just prematurely ejaculated, the two women try and reassure him that it's nothing to be ashamed of, when Quince stands up and reveals himself to be working against them, just as the beach is swarmed with black-ops and a helicopter touches down nearby. George and Giselle walk out of it, and George pays Quince $5 (presumably AUD) for his help in capturing Belinda and Bella, meaning Quince was probably an informant reporting Belinda's and Bella's location to the two crooks.

## Notes

* Quince is second person from the Costa del Sol Belinda and Bella have sex with, the first being Miguel, the waiter at the Imperial Sun Resort where they have Giselle's hen do.
Penelope Pollet

**Penelope Pollet**, also known by her initials **PP**, is a French businesswoman who is Purchasing Director for Fivecar, a hypermarket chain and client company of Steele's Pots and Pans based in Paris, making her a close associate of International Sales Director Belinda Blumenthal. She is the half-sister of fashion designer Chiara Montague and the mother of Katrina Pollet, whom Belinda, the Duchess and Penelope see win the Best Effort prize at the Batwood Park Under 19s Ladies Showjumping Trial Event.

Later, while on a business trip to Paris, Penelope takes Belinda to the Moulin Marron where she meets Mistress Sweetjuice.

## Notes

* Jamie's French impression of Penelope was very hysterical for Alice and James.

## Appearances

* Season 3 episode 4
* Season 4 episode 9, 10
Westminster Abbey

**Westminster Abbey**, formally the **Collegiate Church of St. Peter at Westminster**, is a Gothic-style abbey church in the City of Westminster in London, just west of the Palace of Westminster. It is one of the most notable religious buildings in the United Kingdom and the traditional coronation and burial place of British monarchs. 16 royal weddings have also occurred there.

Over 3000 people have been buried in the grounds of Westminster Abbey, including 17 monarchs, 8 Prime Ministers and Special Agent James Spooner, Laird of Gretna Green, whose state funeral was held there in the first chapter of Belinda Blinked 6.
Duke Clarence of Epsom

**Duke Clarence of Epsom** is the husband of The Duchess in the Belinda Blinked books.

## Biography

### Season 2

Duke Clarence is first referenced in Bella's recount of her day leading up to the Tombola. Apparently, Sir James Godwin had asked Clarence to look after Bella, so he showed her some family portraits in the Epsom family manor house, and then took her to a bedroom to have sex with her.

After drawing on Bella's body with lipstick, he was just about the get stuck in (so to speak), when his wife The Duchess walked in. Upon finding her husband sleeping around, she kicked Bella out and started whipping Clarence with her horse crop. It is believed that this event could have been what caused her to bid on Belinda at the tombola in Book 1, to get revenge on her husband for his infidelity.

## Trivia

* In the alternate reality of Christmas Porno 5, Duke Clarence divorced The Duchess (reduced to just Gertrude after their separation) when she was fired from MI6 after Bisch-Herstellung's plan to take over Steele's succeeded. She subsequently married a man called Buster Broomfinger.

## Appearances

* Season 2 episode 10 *(flashback)*
* Season 3 episode 3
* Christmas Porno 5
Moulin Marron

The **Moulin Marron** is a club and restaurant in Paris which Penelope Pollet takes Belinda Blumenthal to, where she meets Mistress Sweetjuice. The Moulin Marron seemingly contains numerous balloons full of various foods (including "ham, cheese and baguette") as part of its eating experience.

## Employees

* Mistress Sweetjuice: Performer and "World Eminent Feeder"

## Customers

* Belinda Blumenthal
* Penelope Pollet

## Notes

* When Belinda and Penelope enter the Moulin Marron, Penelope makes a point of mentioning that it is vastly superior to the well-known Moulin Rouge.
* The club also seems to take its name after the famed Moulin Rouge (literally Red Mill in French, while Moulin Marron translates as Brown Mill).
Ethel

**Ethel** is the tea-lady in the canteen at Shakespeare Retail Stores' main office, appearing in Book 3. She is described as thinnish, and the Porno Team has a theory that she is in fact company Distribution Manager Andy Milston's unnamed wife, with whom he has apparently not had sex in a long time.

Later, in Book 6, she is shown to be working at Steele's Pots and Pans, meaning she has either moved jobs, or Rocky has made a similar mistake to the Porno Team and confused her with Gladys, the canteen lady at Steele's. She later takes part in the end-of-book company orgy.

## Notes

* Ethel is the second canteen worker for a company featured in the *Belinda Blinked* series, after Steele's Pots and Pans' canteen assistant Gladys. Curiously, both have stereotypically 'elderly woman' names, and the Porno Team in later seasons starts to confuse the two.

## Appearances

* Season 3 episode 9
* Season 6 episodes 6, 10
Alfie the small man dressed in black

Alfie, the smallish man dressed in black is a minor character from Belinda Blinked 3. He is a soundman working behind the scenes at the Millennium Dome building. He greets Belinda backstage before her big presentation on the Oxy-Brillo Range, and mikes her up using an unorthodox manoeuvre in which Belinda strips completely from the waist up, and Alfie lassos her with the microphone wire.

## Personality

The voice Jamie Morton uses for Alfie paints him as a timid, maybe youthful, man. He's unsure how to act around Belinda's overtly sexy ways, but once she takes the lead he's eager to follow along.

## Notes

* Alfie uses LinkedIn; this makes him one of the only characters to use social media (the other one being Bella, who runs a FacePage account).
* The Porno Team's headcanon is that Alfie's full name is Alfie Small.
* Belinda is surprised that a man of his size is in charge of all the sound in the Millennium Dome Building.
Señor Zip

**Señor Zip**, also known as **the Man in the Hat**, is a character in the *Belinda Blinked* books. He is the Spanish-speaking gadget geek of The Duchess and presumably works for British Intelligence in some way, and Belinda Blumenthal encounters him in Australia when he asks her for directions to the Rocks. The Duchess sends him out to test who will help a tourist to see who would be able to protect the PM, and when Belinda helps him he directs her to the wall of stones which takes her to her meeting with the Duchess. Afterwards, Zip gives her a hamper of gifts including a shower radio which he uses to covertly communicate with her, leaving it in her quarters. He also communicates with her through a pizza box delivered by Monty Jim.

## Appearance

Not much is known about Señor Zip's appearance but Rocky mentions that his knuckles are white. He has an over-the-top Spanish accent.

## Notes

* James notes after the conclusion of Hard as the Rocks that he doesn't think Señor Zip will return because he has "Betty Wilkes written all over him", though he is proven wrong in the next episode.
* Zip and Belinda duet "Águas de Março" by Antônio Carlos Jobim and Elis Regina, which is not only one of Rocky's favorite songs but an incredibly complex song to sing with a complete stranger. Belinda notes their performance is worthy of a nightclub act.
* Señor Zip is the second character in the *Belinda Blinked* books to be consistently referred to with a foreign-language version of the title "Mr.", after Herr Wolfgang Bisch; Zip uses the Spanish version while Bisch uses the German.
Peggy Loveleaf

**Peggy Loveleaf** is a character in the *Belinda Blinked* books. She is the secretary of Special Agent James Spooner.

## Notes

* Peggy inadvertently caused her boss' death when George Sylvester insults Peggy to James' face and insinuates that he has had sex with her, causing him to charge at George and get stabbed with a dagger.
Dave Wilcox

Dave Wilcox is one of four Regional Sales Managers that Belinda Blumenthal oversees. He covers the Western areas. Very little is currently known about him, and he remains probably the RSM that the reader knows the least about.

In Book 1, he is said to be from Bristol, and travels to London via the M4. However, when he is finally given a speaking part (three words in Book 6), Jamie gives him a Birmingham accent.

He is a member of the Confidential Order of Cookware Knights and plays the top part of the panto horse in Christmas Porno 6.

## Appearance

Dave Wilcox has never been described. He could have blue skin for all we know. However, he does have a 'dense' dick.

## Personality

At this point in time, Dave Wilcox has no personality to speak of.

## Biography

### Season 1

Dave Wilcox is the second RSM of the four to be introduced. With his fellow RSMs, he attends the regional sales meeting, and goes out to drinks at the Pentra.

### Season 4

Dave attends a strategy meeting in Belinda's office, but is the only RSM to not say anything.

### Season 5

After the bombing of Steele's Pots and Pans, Dave goes into hiding with his fellow RSMs in the safe house, but he joins the fight against Herr Bisch and George Sylvester.

### Season 6

After getting left for dead in the Australian outback, and then demoted, Belinda storms around to the Regional Sales Managers to yell at them about not caring about her. In the process, she has angry sex with Dave and Patrick O'Hamlyn.

## Appearances

* Season 1 episode 3
* Season 4 episode 9
* Season 5 episode 13
* Season 6 episodes 5, 6, 10
* Christmas Porno 1, 6
* Finale Part 1 *(mentioned)*

## Notes

* After being introduced but before his name was revealed, Alice and James guess that his name might be Nigel, Graham, or Lucian.