Janus Bohm (Kaputt AU)

## Jonathan "Janus" Bohm

> "When Laura Marling sang about the fragility of everything and Bo Burnham promised that the world was ending, I was first struck with a sense of melancholia, but suddenly felt oddly at peace. I know, this is probably not what they meant to say, but I got the soothing feeling that, one day, it, all of this, everything, will finally be over. And knowing this comforted me like nothing else. *All of this can be broken. It will be over soon.* Whether you like it or not, everything will vanish, nothing matters in the end, but that's exactly why it is going to be okay."
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**Jonathan Ernst Bohm** (born July 24, 2002), better known by his stage name **Janus**, is a German-Danish musician, singer, songwriter and an aspiring composer. He is a masters student of music composition at The Juilliard School and lead singer of the concept band Travesty.

## Biography

Jonathan is the child of the Chief of Police of the Free and Hanseatic City of Hamburg Ernst Bohm and head nurse of the paediatric clinic at the Catholic Marien Hospital Regina Bohm. Being fond of music from an early age on, Jonathan took several instrument and singing classes and made a name for himself winning several prizes as well as being part of a prestigious youth orchestra. Right after receiving his Abitur diploma in 2021, Jonathan is offered a work contract by his then-boyfriend's family, which would also guarantee him a student place at The Juilliard School. Though the contract comes with immense restrictions, Jonathan accepts the offer and follows Nathan Moreau to New York.

Two years later, Jonathan, who now goes by the stage name Janus, realises the consequences of his naiveté. Not only deprived of the master rights of all of the music he created and all of his vigour, he is beaten down by the downfall of his tumultuous and problem-ridden relationship. Hoping to save his agency, academic and music career, Janus breaks up with Nathan in December 2023 and flees from him. Though Janus has quite possibly saved his life by leaving his abusive ex-boyfriend, it does not get easier. For the following days, Janus is dependent on the benevolence of his friends and university opening hours to find a place to stay. In the meantime, he dreads the inevitable return to Germany, Nathan's wrath, the end of his studies as well as legal consequences upon breaching the contract.

On a cold and rainy Christmas Eve, Janus is overwhelmed by his emotions in the lonely apartment of his friend Arianne Brambilla, who has gone to Italy to celebrate the festive season with her family. Feeling like he has finally reached the end of line and does not want to continue being a burden to his friends, Janus makes up his mind and wanders off into the city in order to visit several spots he holds dear for the very last time. Reaching Riverside Park, he tries to end his life in the shadow of the George Washington Bridge, but is interrupted by a passerby and gives up immediately after. Not being able to return to the apartment of his friend and having nowhere left to go, Janus starts looking for refuge in New York's nightlife. Washed up at the Nowhere Bar, he meets bar owner Morgan Amandus, who also seeks shelter from a long decaying relationship with his avaricious and unfaithful boyfriend Luis Velencoso. Janus feels immediately drawn to Morgan and quickly falls in love with him. They have a one night stand, but fall out of contact until New Year's Eve, as Morgan ponders whether it might be finally time to move on from his previous relationship, After meeting several times more, Janus and Morgan eventually begin dating and move in together in February 2024.

In order to finance his studies, Janus starts to work as a substitute waiter and singer at his fiancé's bar, but ultimately takes over a co-leading position after being introduced to the full spectrum and dangers of Morgan's job. As soon as the ongoing issues with Nathan and the adhesion contract have been finally resolved with the help of Morgan's long-time associate and lawyer Richard Evans, they become officially engaged in March 2025.

From there on out, they face the slowly rotting American Dream in the middle of the streets of New York, weather the remnants of Morgan's father Tobin as well as other ghosts from their past. Believing they would renounce their parent's legacy, Morgan and Janus slowly but steady grow into something even more corrupted, violent and delusional than their parents could have ever been.

## Appearance

Janus is a young man of average height. He has a very pale complexion, curly light blonde hair and light blue eyes with dark bags underneath as a result of his sleeplessness. His skin and eyes are immensely sensitive to the sun and he is very prone to sunburn. Janus' face is often deemed as young looking and feminine, particularly due to his long eye lashes, big wide eyes, pink lips and soft freckles on his cheeks and nose. His androgynous perceived clear voice and soft-spokeness adds to this effect and results in frequent misgendering after migrating to America. In the past, he used to be irritated by remarks regarding his feminine appearance, people constantly comparing his looks to his mother's or even telling him he has only gotten far due to his pretty face, but he has gotten fairly used to it. As an adult, he realises the potential of his androgyny in order to trick and seduce business associates for personal or commercial gain, turning them into suitors or loyal tools. Also, Janus utilises his femininity in his art to depict his inner turmoil. Consequently, it is highly likely that he steps out of his comfort zone for band performances and wears make up and female clothing to fully embrace the duality aspect of his persona.

Janus' physique is lanky or boney, almost to a sickly extent. Feeling ashamed of his body, he prefers to keep it covered, the only exception being situations that call for more eccentricity, such as performances with the band or while working at the bar. Another source of his insecurity is his default facial expression which is either described as a stoic, apathetic smile or an arrogant ‘resting bitch face’. The interpretation commonly depends on the viewer as well as the magnitude of their own insecurities, as Janus most of the time mirrors the attitude of his conversational partner to understand their behaviour and to be liked by them. Furthermore, even though Janus prefers to avoid eye contact, while being fully focused on something or someone, he is prone to excessive staring. Some might find this amusing or even consider it to be an adorable quirk, a sign of peaked interest, innocence or simple-mindedness, others simply consider it to be uncanny. Among his friends, his staring has become some kind of lovable trademark and earned him the nickname “guppy” due his interest in fish. In general, his appearance ranges, depending on the person, from cranky, dull or innocent to weird or downright unsettling.

His choice of clothing for everyday matters ranges from very modest to more formal styles, preferably in light and pastel blue tones. For university or work, he usually wears white buttoned shirts and black trousers. As he tends to get cold easily, he combines his outfits with plain sweaters, scarves and wool coats particularly in autumn and winter. On a day off, he prefers plain oversized T-shirts or baggy hoodies with a pair of jeans. He is known for wearing chucks on any thinkable occasion, except for performances with the orchestra which require an old-fashioned formal appearance. With the band, he usually puts on a bright red suit as part of their uniform. At home, he slips into leisure wear, preferably long baggy trousers and T-Shirts.

Even in summer or in private, Janus can hardly be seen wearing short trousers, because he feels insecure of his body and does not want to publicly display a big and deep scar on his right thigh. He has another scar on his ankle and one scar in the palm of his left hand which is a result trying to protect himself from Gregory’s assault.

Janus is not a big fan of accessories, since he considers them to be annoying and unnecessary, except if they have emotional value. In daily life, his only accessory is his engagement ring. For band performances, he can be seen wearing earrings to add to his androgynous appearance. He frequently puts on nail polish, but it hardly stays on for too long due to him playing instruments or working at the bar.

As previously mentioned, Janus is a very soft-spoken individual and mostly talks in a very flat, almost monotone sounding voice which is either perceived as apathetic, listless, naive or dreamy. He considers smalltalk to be an exhausting task and chooses to remain silent to let others do the talking most of the time. If he warms up to someone, he may actively engage in conversations and might sound less monotonous, sometimes even genuinely excited and emotional, particularly whilst discussing serious as well as intriguing topics or simply during friendly banter. However, Janus generally struggles with controlling and adapting the volume of his voice in everyday situations, e.g. speaking up in crowded areas. It is disputed whether this is the result of being reprimanded as a child to stay silent in the presence of others, being ridiculed because of his feminine voice by peers or a sign of neurodivergency.

## Personality

> "If he asked friends to define what exactly made him Jonathan and what they liked about him, everybody would almost instantly refer to his friendliness. It bothered him. Wasn't there more to him than *just being nice*? Or were they just trying to be polite? There *had to be* more. So he spent hours wondering who he really was, but always came to the same conclusion. They were right. He had no personality. He was a mirror, maybe even nothing but a blank slate, a white canvas everyone around him projected their favourite version of him onto, and, most of the time, he abided their wishes, driven by the desire to be loved. So when he was asked to be obedient by his father, he aimed to be the most obedient person on planet earth like his entire life depended on it. But then again, he was also told to be a leader, and the contradiction profoundly confused Jonathan, but he tried. Next time he had to be a family person, but also strive for an illustrious career, needed to be tough and cunning, but also loving, pure and kind. And before he knew it, he became obsessed with the absurd beauty that lied within the contradiction, which was also the thing that hurt him the most. The one thing other people always seemed to have, but he eternally lacked. The never achievable. And slowly, it grew into a dark void in his heart, a feeling of all-consuming envy."
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Raised to be a compliant child by his parents, Janus grows into a well-mannered, tidy, considerate, quiet, overly generous and friendly individual. He has been taught that the well-being of others always comes first, even at the cost of one's own if needed, whilst slowly turning parental love into a currency which can only be received through good deeds or subpar achievements. Trying to make his distant father and distressed mother proud, he desperately tries to become worthy of their attention and affection through an excellent academic performance or working as a volunteer in the church fellowship, rendering him an incredibly ambitious person, but never to his own gain. He almost entirely lacks of intrinsic motivation, except when it comes to making music which has become an outlet for 'unspeakable things' from an early age on, as complaining or expressing dissatisfaction is considered being ungrateful or wimpy by his father. This stance results in a faux peace at home which can be only uphold by collective secrecy and silence. Thus, feelings or needs are hardly communicated in the family, rather kept quiet and dealt with as if they were indecent secrets that can be only spoken about covertly. Ultimately, Janus quickly learns to 'suck it up' in order to keep the harmony at home intact, yet at the same time becoming the 'holder of secrets' of the family, as his mother and sister slowly start to confide in him. In general, probably due to his pleasant, friendly and calm demeanour, people find it very easy to open up to him. At first, he is flattered and oddly proud of this unique talent, particularly as his mother seems to view him as an equal by confiding in him, but the burden of knowledge gradually starts to weigh on him. Much later as an adult Janus realises the potential and power that lies in being the bearer of secrets, as he can use it for his own good by tying people to him or using the secrets against them - he gradually turns into a cunning manipulator.

Due to his parents desperately trying to come off as the picture perfect family, Janus is obsessed with his external image. He tends to overthink and overanalyse every word and frequently worries over how others might perceive him. He spends a lot of time rehearsing answers, imagining worst case scenarios, but also daydreaming with eyes wide open. Whilst some dub this behaviour as dull or inattentive, to most people this supposed absentmindedness or dreaminess comes across as charmingly naive or cranky, causing relatives to consider Janus is autistic, artistic or simply both. As Janus is inherently introverted, unnaturally soft-spoken, afraid of loud sounds, prone to see patterns where others see none, refrains from eating certain foods and widely perceived as shy, sometimes even timid, this notion quickly finds supporters among the family. Also, much to his frustration but his father's pleasure, his musical talent is suddenly turned into something pathologic, nothing more but an autistic trait, the so-called Savant Syndrome. This also paves the way for his deeply rooted irrational fear of being the token autist and token gay, instead of being rated exclusively based on his performance. A few years later, Nathan adds to this fear, by strategically stating Janus had nothing to offer besides a "pretty face and troubled personality" referring to his academic and musical achievements in an argument, well aware it would hurt him deeply, break his morale and lead him further to questioning his perception. As he is always compared to his 'normal' and 'more successful' peers by his father and later on belittled by Nathan, Janus has a strong tendency to compare himself to others and permanently feels inferior to those surrounding him. Even though Janus tries not to show it, he is a deeply envious of the achievements and happiness of others. Other than that, he fails to develop a sense of self worth, cherish his own success and feel content with what he has. For example, he envies Rebecca's beauty, Damian's relationship with his father as well as Samuel's affair with Damian, even though he genuinely loves Morgan. Also, Janus is unable to accept any of Morgan's genuine compliments or praise. Thus, Janus suffers from a constant feeling of emptiness, an all-consuming void.

In general, Janus struggles with his perception of reality greatly. Having lived in a household which creates its own narrative through secrecy, he watches his mother and sister slowly break under his father's forced harmony regimen, while at the same time neighbours and relatives view them to be the embodiment of a perfect and loving family. Janus is confused by this ambiguity and the discrepancy of the words and actions of his father. On the one hand, Ernst seems to be an overly religious man who believes in charity and equality and usually expresses political favour of ideas of the left spectrum and utters undivided support for the LGTBQ\* community in public. On the other hand, Ernst seems to be looking down on refugees, women, migrants and queers in reality. For example, he shows extreme distrust talking about Tina's Turkish father, between the lines suggesting he could be the origin of Tina's mother's drug addiction. Furthermore, while Ernst seems to hold no grudge against as Rafael and calls him a great support in the church's community, he quickly adds "even though he is gay" as a remark. First, Janus wonders how to become one of these 'acceptable queers', but gradually sees through the aversion that lies in his father’s words. Janus realises he simply cannot trust his father on his previously stated views and ideology, as they seem to be ever-shifting depending on the situation. Nevertheless, Janus continues to desperately seek his validation, obsessing to live up to his father’s unattainable standards. The moment it finally becomes very clear that he would never be conform with Ernst’s ideology, is Janus' coming out. Whereas Ernst first expresses understanding towards the queer community, Janus is immediately met with the cold response "My son cannot be gay". Also, Janus grows to be horrified of his father's twisted morality. Finding out Ernst had not taken the report of a stalked woman seriously in the past and simply told her to "be flattered by the attention" and that it "would eventually go away until he finds a new pretty toy". Weeks later the woman's body is found floating in the Alster, publicly displayed at the Jungfernstieg. While Ernst seems to shrug it off, Janus is deeply scarred by his father's inaction and ignorance towards her murder and death in general. This culminates in the suicide of the family's best friend and Janus' godmother Eva which is quickly brushed off as an unfortunate incident and the logical consequence of many years of having lived with (mental) illness. Confronted by her son about this, Regina simply responds: "She has been unwell for many years, Jonathan. This was predictable. Ill people eventually die." Janus is immensely distraught with this answer, because it once again proves the creation of a second reality by his parents by even refusing to call her death for what it actually is. Also, it is indicated that Janus has found the body and has been haunted by that image ever since. However, trying to find support by his parents to overcome his trauma, he is again met with silence.

Throughout Janus' entire life, some sense of melancholia has always been an omnipresent, lingering companion to him. As such kind of topics must not be talked about, they are ironically highlighted through the family's collective secrecy and transformed into an important puzzle piece of their self-made myth. On many occasions, Ernst questions the use of therapy or the very existence of mental illnesses, and repeatedly calls depression, burn out and ADHD fashionable complaints. Just before relatives have started to ponder the whereabouts of Janus' seemingly unusual behaviour, he even firmly believed autism is non-existent, and simply a sign of a cultural demise and gradual loss of the sense of masculinity in society. Yet again, being treated by a therapist during the aftermath of a life threatening attack at work, Ernst himself is diagnosed with depression and burn out. It is additionally deduced that the paternal side of the family might have a history with genetically inherited depression. However, Ernst vehemently denies the diagnosis and claims his current condition is the consequence of not being able to go to work or do something meaningful with his time due to his injuries. Unlike Ernst, Regina actually considers the therapist's words to be true and is devastated to hear her husband's decision to cancel further appointments, but does not dare to question his choice. The following night, in a rush of extreme despair, loneliness and powerlessness, she confides in her son that Ernst is unwell to which Janus agrees without hesitation. Later on, Regina reluctantly reveals that Sofia, Janus' paternal grandmother who has always been deemed an odd but lovable person before her sudden death, might be the origin of the family's trauma. As she carries on explaining that Sofia had thrown herself off a bridge suffering from a lingering sense of melancholia which had been allegedly driving her insane, Janus immediately feels inexplicably connected to his grandmother. Realising there might be an explanation for his and his father’s condition, he feels strangely relieved at first. Though, unbeknownst to Janus, this is not the entire truth. His father watched his very own mother take her life. Traumatised and unable to make sense of what he had witnessed, young Ernst turned to his father Henrik. Overwhelmed by grief, shame and guilt, but unable to express his emotions as he has never been taught to do so by his own father, Henrik considers silence to be his best bet and tries to protect his child by posthumously painting his wife's suicide as an accident to maintain the image of a functional family. This ultimately kicks off a precarious combination of several transgenerational trauma which is mirrored in his grandson's broken psyche.

Probably as a consequence of this traumatic event, the paternal side of Janus’ family turns to religion and seeks moral guidance in the Catholic Church. In exchange for welcoming the family with open arms and helping them settling in after having moved to Germany, Henrik and Ernst have been very keen on being an active part of the Catholic community ever since in order to repay their support. This is also reflected in Janus’ and Henriettes upbringing. The children go to church on Sundays, attend Christian youth groups and partake in community work. As a compromise between what his father demands and he wants, Janus takes part in the church’s choir and musically accompanies summer events for children, weddings and funerals from an early age on. His androgynous looks, friendly behaviour and clear singing voice quickly earn him the nickname “angel” among the elderly women.

Even though he cannot recall much of his time in the kindergarten, Janus vividly remembers meeting Tina for the first time right after she migrated to Germany. Speaking not a single word of German, the eccentric girl quickly finds friends among the children nevertheless and manages to easily connect with the two years younger and very shy Janus. However, after a few months, Tina abruptly leaves the kindergarten. Their ways part until they meet again in secondary school and immediately start dating for a brief period of time. It is heavily implied that Tina moved kindergartens because she suffered from sexual abuse by one of the kindergarten teachers, as she suddenly started to have panic attacks whenever her parents took her there. Not being able to express and pinpoint what has happened to her at the time, her parents believed she simply did not get along with the other children and was probably bullied because of her broken German. Years later, briefly after she starts to undergo therapy due to her mother’s drug abuse, Tina carefully asks Janus whether he could remember “Mr. Seltzer from kindergarten” in an attempt to make sense of what has happened to her, without further disclosing why she was asking. As Janus agrees and wonders what the reason for her question was, she responds with “never mind” and swiftly brushes the topic off, probably scared to trigger suppressed memories. Much later, in a conversation with Joseph, Janus finally realises he had been a victim of abuse, just like his friend was, and is ultimately able to understand his long lasting fear of intimacy or disgust of physical contact. Most of the time when he experienced sexual longing as a teenager, he felt watched, guilty and disgusted of himself. At age fourteen, he could not bring himself to kiss Tina during their relationship. He realises he does not feel attracted to her in a romantic way, thus kissing her would feel like a lie. Being with Rafael at the age of sixteen, he fantasises about kissing and sleeping with him, but panics as soon Rafael leans in for a kiss and freezes in shock. As soon as Rafael initiates further sexual advances, Janus, absolutely horrified, slaps him in the face. Rafael immediately calls him a prude and accuses him of sending mixes messenges and complains about Janus not "properly paying him back" for his affection and he had to "make up his mind" if he wanted anybody to stay with him. The first time Janus is capable of getting intimate with someone is actually Tina, while they are both drunk in the aftermath of her A-Levels ceremony. As opposed to Janus, who has avoided sexual contact entirely as a result of his abuse, Tina has expressed indifference and a heightened leisurely attitude towards sex as a trauma response. Janus is shocked to find out she might be right, as he learns 'how easy' and 'meaningless' intimacy is. Having perceived intimacy as a sacred thing prior, he expects some kind of divine judgement over his actions, as he does not love Tina nor feel attracted to her due to her gender. However, nothing happens - even after being intimate with her several times more out of curiosity. Shortly after Tina departs to study, Janus gets in a relationship with Nathan who quickly pressures him into sleeping with him by repeatedly stating "it's only sex". Once Janus actually tries to speak up for himself and asks Nathan to understand that he would not be ready, Nathan replies sexual intimacy was fundamental in order to maintain a healthy relationship, implying just like Rafael before that he - or anybody else - would leave Janus over this issue. Afraid to lose Nathan, Janus agrees, but further starts to dissociate his mind from his body.

In contrast of the political and societal systems who have entirely failed Morgan, such as youth welfare offices, the police and schools, spiritual institutions have failed Janus, since the church is the origin of his complex religious trauma in various ways. Being told that God is forgiving, loving and patient, he is also taught to fear an ever-watching and -listening God who punishes renegades and being continuously told to conform and obedient, Janus has developed the sense of being watched at all times and fears punishment for misbehaving or having 'sinful' thoughts. Out of ambition and dread, Janus has aimed to be the 'best' and purest Christian on earth for some time, even considered to become a priest. However, as Tina introduces him to the 'real world', he slowly starts losing faith and turns to the secular, even though he is still driven by a constant fear of being judged. Meanwhile, Janus' palpable embodiment of God starts to become his father, a firm patriarch himself, who he is unable to satisfy and unresponsive. After meeting Morgan, who expresses pathological thoughts of grandiosity and even claims to be a God-like figure himself, Janus perception quickly shifts to making him the centre of his life. In general, Janus displays a heightened will to please with figures of authority or mentors, rendering him to be a frequent victim of power abuse and grooming, just like in the case of Rafael, Nathan and Joseph. Also, he has never lost his longing to be someone's favourite, reaching a sad climax in his morbid pleasure to be desired and loved as an adult. This behaviour can be best seen in his complex friendship with Damian, whom he consistently showers with affection and signals they could be something more one day, just in order maintain his undivided love in exchange. However, as Janus does truly care for his well-being and success in life, he keeps on sugar-coating his abusive behaviour, even though he is well aware that his actions are morally wrong. This stance differs greatly when it comes to other people. For example, being desired by cold-blooded people like Theodore and Daichi seems to thrill him, whilst he considers the affection of accessible Keith and Sean rather easy to attain. Most importantly, even though he walks a very thin line, Janus is strongly opposed to being unfaithful and is pathologically codependent on his partners. This goes as far as he would willingly murder or kill himself for Morgan, just to pledge his undying loyalty to him or please him. Therefore, whereas Morgan repeats the destructive behavioural patterns of his father Tobin, Janus has adapted Regina's self-destructive and sacrificial behaviour which she exhibits in her relationship with her husband. Through this, they keep the endless cycle of transgenerational trauma and gendered hierarchical structures alive, as Morgan embodies the head of the family and masculine-coded anger, while Janus overtakes the role of the caring mother, along with his feminine-coded passivity and Ophelia-esque succumb to insanity.

During Janus’ childhood, Regina quickly realises her shy son has a hard time socialising, going to family events and connecting with strangers. To ease his fear, she teaches him "every human being has a certain uniqueness to them" and he should "always look for that thing that makes them special". Thus, Janus learns to effectively read people and utilise for or it against them by mirroring their behaviour or simply giving them what they desire. Much to Janus' advantage, he is a highly sensitive and empathic person who can put himself in the sentiment of other people. As an adult, he is immensely capable of reading and manipulating the mood of others to his gain. However, having never learned how to properly express or process feelings, Janus becomes increasingly overwhelmed by his emotions reaching puberty, particularly as he simply fails to make sense of them and precisely translate them into words. Not knowing how to handle negative emotions and with the lingering sense of having disappointed everyone as well as ashamed of his intrusive or lustful thoughts, firmly believing God is watching him in an almost paranoid and obsessive way, he develops severe self-hatred and -disgust, slowly directing all his frustration and anger towards himself. From then on, he catches himself imagining violent outbursts, constantly feeling the need to 'break something' or hurt himself. To counter this, he turns to music which is capable of turning feelings into something universally perceptible. Over the course of their relationship, Morgan gradually teaches Janus to direct his anger at those who have severely hurt him in the past and advocates for revenge and vigilante justice. Hesitant at first, Janus complies and learns to embrace his anger and aggression as a mechanism to protect himself. Under Rebecca's guidance, he is also taught to enjoy inflicting physical and mental pain on people who supposedly are deserving of it, particularly unfaithful, abusive and violent men. Janus, however, seems to quickly take more pleasure out of hurting others and utilises the vigilante justice-aspect to ease his mind.

After many years of abuse, Janus has grown indifferent, weary of life, ruthless, cunning and cynical. Behind his quiet, friendly, affectionate and compassionate everyday persona, he hides a troubled mind which casually seeps through by exhibiting a morbid sense of humour. He can be best described as an empty shell which mirrors the habits and personalities of those surrounding him and what they expect of him. The only driving factors of Janus' actions are affection and praise and keeping those people who fulfil his needs around him by doing anything they want in order to keep them happy. This is clearly mirrored by Arianne loosely quoting Florence Welch's plastic bag-poem in regards to Janus, whilst also uttering clear dissatisfaction towards his and Morgan's relationship as she conceives Morgan to be a major threat to her best friend: "Jonathan would fall for a plastic bag if it gave him undivided attention. Morgan was just the first plastic bag who conveniently happens to have a dick".

Being unable to express his emotions in a direct manner, particularly in a foreign tongue, Janus has a habit of deploying a flowery language which is loaded with metaphors and analogies. He is also prone to quoting lyrics. Due to his affinity to music, he also connects people and periods of his life to songs.

Whilst being a worrying mother figure to his friends and companions, Janus has a hard time taking care of his own health. He has an excessive need to be functional and does not allow himself to rest even when ill. It is very common that he skips meals or forgets about eating which might be another reason for his constant drowsiness. In contrast to his careless attitude towards his well-being, he pays a lot of attention to his appearance. It is sometimes suggested he suffers from anorexia as a result of desperately trying to gain back control over his body and wanting to disappear. Janus strongly opposes this suggestion and argues he would lack a feeling of hunger entirely and simply eat less than others.

## Name, Pseudonym and Aliases

### Jonathan Ernst

> "You're no Jonathan. Jonathan is a stupid name, given by a stupid man."
> - Damian Evans
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Janus has never been able to relate to his real given name *Jonathan Ernst*. Apparently, his father had always hoped for a son who could grow into a respectable head of the family one day, just like his own grandfather Ernst Sr. once had been. Thus, Ernst suggests to call their son Jonathan (gift of God) and name him after his own namesake. The supposedly flattering name Jonathan turns into a malicious mockery, as soon as Regina admits to her son he was "an unwanted accident", but decided to have him after "long conversations with Ernst" and finding out she was actually pregnant with twins.

Watching Janus grow into the compliant child he wanted, he is shocked to find out his son turns into a sensitive and insecure young man, but certainly no leader. Ernst starts to confuse feminine-coded kindness in a boy for weakness, worrying Janus might never be able to take care of a family one day. When Ernst is actually faced with the possibility of his impending death after being shot in the face, his fears suddenly start to become concrete. Facing his overwhelmed and weeping son who is unable to comfort his mother and sister, he reprimands him: "If I die, you are the one to protect our family, so pull yourself together, Jonathan, and stop whining." Even though Ernst means well, this statement does not only hurt Janus, but also initiates an alienation process. This automatically results in Janus gradually lesser trying to live up to his given name, thus also to his father's expectations, and gain control over his life. Slowly, Janus learns to accept his given name, even if not ideal, and turns the concept of Jonathan into a distinctive identity. Meeting Nathan, this rapidly changes. Janus is thrown back into his prior state of helplessness by being isolated from friends and relatives through Nathan's love-bombing. He is slowly integrated into the cult-like Moreau family, taken to New York and stripped off his hard-won identity.

### Janus

> "Never been Jonathan, it's always been Janus."
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Already whilst being with Nathan, Janus gains growing reputation for his academical achievements, but particularly due to his musical talent. Most of his enthusiasts point out the duality that lies in his personality, performance and musical style. A frequent topic being his quiet speaking voice, shy appearance and flowery lyrics which meet a loud singing voice, eccentric performances and morbid topics. As some critics approvingly start to refer to him as the "embodiment of contradictions and duality" or simply as "Janus'esque", he quickly grows fond of the idea of taking 'Janus' as a stage name one day. Escaping from Nathan later on, he decides to ultimately cleanse himself off the Nathan-part in Jonathan and changes his name to Janus overall. Assuming the name of the two-faced God, this does not only mark the end and beginning of something, but also symbolises finally taking charge of his own life as his own God.

### Angel

> "It won't let you go ever again, my little fallen angel."
> - Morgan Amandus
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Combined with his singing voice and friendly demeanour, Janus' appearance had already earned him the nickname 'angel' among relatives and fellow choir members. Fascinated by Janus living up to his outdated and problematic female ideal of purity, passivity, fragility and subservience, Nathan commences calling Janus by the pet names 'angel' or 'angé', referring to Coventry Patmore's *The Angel in the House* (1854). Through this, Nathan takes away all of Janus' agency and what is left of his identity, turning him into the ideal submissive femme fragil in a male body. As Janus' mental health worsens as a result of the sudden mood change of his lover, he starts harming himself. Due to this, Nathan disapprovingly starts to call him 'filthy angel'. This term is later on picked up by Morgan, but shifted towards a better light, as he compassionately tells Janus he would be his "fallen angel" whilst comparing himself to a deity to underline their connection as well as to highlight the relationship's hierarchy.

### Siren

> "Ever been to Disneyland? I have been, two weeks ago, tops, with my two little daughters. One of them recently lost their best friend in a car crash and suffers greatly from it, but she was so enchanted by talking to Elsa for a few minutes, she completely forgot about all of her sorrows for a day and talked about nothing else the next. She was on top of the world, because she has met Elsa, and Elsa has talked to her, out of all people, and hugged her [...]. This one, you see, he's just like that damn Disney princess. No matter who you are, the moment he focuses his entire attention on you, for some reason, he feeds you the idea that, after everything bad that's happened to you, all the injustice you've endured, there might be still some good in this god-forsaken world, and that you alone deserve it, that you are special. [...] Stay well clear of him, he's dangerous. And the moment you think 'He's so harmless, he's so nice, he can't possibly be that dangerous', Amandus and his batshit insane disciple are already coming for your sorry ass."
> - Leon Bertrand
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After being fully integrated into Morgan's business, Leon Bertrand, one of their associates, describes Janus as a 'siren' to one of his colleagues to counter the idea of Janus' angel-like innocence. This term points out the manipulative and deliberately seducing nature of Janus' actions, at the same time emphasising his codependency with Morgan. Leon muses to his colleague Janus might be a valuable asset for Morgan, as he embodies "a bait, a siren" who "lures one into the water" so "Amandus, the shark" can approach and strike unnoticed.

### Pet and Nick Names

Another set of nicknames refers to Janus' curly blonde hair. While Morgan lovingly calls him 'goldy locks', Damian frequently uses a cutesified abbreviation of the term or jokingly refers to Janus as a 'fellow curly head'. His friends tend to call him 'guppy'.

## Mental Health and Presumed Neurodivergency

It is often debated whether Janus suffers from several mental illnesses which might explain his demeanour. Since he also exhibits several autistic traits, it is commonly rumoured that he might be neurodivergent. Whilst Janus seems to be fed up with the constant assumptions regarding his conditions and has stopped taking them seriously, nothing of these claims have been officially confirmed by a professional in the diegesis. Janus' condition remains a subject of gossip and/or banter among friends, peers, relatives and most of it is based on TikTok video-knowledge, hearsay or the projection of one's own experiences onto another individual. Joseph might be the only person who has ever come close to a proper diagnose, but the information has remained disclosed after his death. The only person who has ever gained access to these documents is Morgan which yet again emphases the precarious imbalance of control in their relationship.

Due to the on-going speculations regarding his condition, Janus is prone to joke about his "peer-reviewed insanity". After his descent into New York's shady businesses, his attitude slowly starts to shift. From there on out, he heavily criticises the stance that his immoral actions could be excused or embellished due to his troubled upbringing, presumed neurodivergency and mental illnesses. Janus repeatedly expresses much discomfort and even disgust when others seek to 'pathologise' him as well as other killers in order to explain or apologise any form of unethical behaviour. He considers it would automatically generalise and render those who actually struggle with issues regarding neurodivergency and mental health as bad or insane, even if they are good people at heart. Also, he considers it would infantilise them, as this would strip them off their agency. In this context, Janus makes it very clear that his actions are the result of his own choices, that he has actively decided to be a bad person, and nothing could ever excuse that.

Side note: If anyone is reading this and feels upset with the probably faulty medical info, I do apologise. I am no professional. None of this is meant to infantilise or insult someone.

### Mental Illnesses

It has been speculated that Janus might suffer from Borderline personality disorder (BPD), Social anxiety disorder, PTSD, anorexia, religious trauma, paranoia and genetically passed-on depression by his paternal grandmother and father. Some have argued he might be schizophrenic, as he has previously expressed the fear of being constantly watched as well as the fear of someone reading his mind. According to him, he dissociates in stressful situations. None of this has been confirmed by an expert.

### Substance Abuse

#### Caffeine

Due to his constant drowsiness, Janus is most likely addicted to caffeine. While he drinks a lot of tea and coffee, he refrains from consuming energy drinks. Just like his mother, he considers them to be unhealthy, expensive, artificial and gross. At the same time, Janus has a tendency to take caffeine pills to keep himself awake whenever needed. This greatly interferes with his sleep patterns and feeds into his almost insomnia-like state.

#### Alcohol

Janus has grown up in a family which normalised drinking alcohol as a reward after an exhausting day at work, as a part of socialising as well as celebrations. Though he does not like the sharp taste of it and seems to generally process alcohol very badly, Janus has been regularly encouraged to drink since adolescence by his friends and family alike, particularly as a strategy to ‘loosen up’ at social gatherings. From time to time, he takes their advice to heart in order to cope with being overwhelmed at parties he could not avoid due to societal pressure (e.g. birthday parties).

#### Drugs

Unlike alcohol, other (recreational) drugs have been heavily stigmatised by Janus’ family. Since he has spent his first years living in a rough patch in Hamburg which made the horrors of drug abuse very visible, Janus could understand his parents inhibitions for the longest time. After moving to New York, his stance has slightly changed. While Janus still remains skeptical towards “harder” drugs such as meth or cocaine, he has started to tolerate the use of LSD and cannabis. He might smoke weed with friends, but only occasionally to not strain his lungs and singing voice, but is usually avoidant of any kind of hallucinogens as he has suffered from bad trips before and considers them to be actually hindering for his creativity. Once again, Janus is most likely to take drugs to lower his inhibitions at very crowded parties, but also especially to cope and blend in with people who are high and/or drunk.

Being with Nathan, Janus was not allowed to take any drugs at first to maintain his “pure” and innocent image, though Nathan frequently took cocaine at parties himself. Later on, as Nathan’s romantic interest in Janus starts to diminish, he encourages him to take drugs to deal with his social anxiety.

As prescribed drugs have always been a sensitive topic in his childhood, because they were only used when truly necessary, Janus is very avoidant with pain killers and other medicine, e.g. antibiotics. This however does not apply to any kind of mood stabilisers. To make it through a very busy exam season while working for the Moreau Agency, he has also taken Ritalin and Adderall before. Besides that, he frequently relies on antidepressants to cope with feelings of anxiety, paranoia, depressive episodes and panic attacks, even though he almost died overdosing Xanax.

#### Overdosing

After being introduced to Xanax by Nathan, Janus becomes heavily reliant on it for some time, until the effect gradually starts to weaken. As a result, he accidentally overdoses in a period of severe distress. Since then, Janus avoids the drug, telling anyone who offers him Xanax he would suffer from “an intolerance”.

Though he does not talk about it, Janus has also tried to intentionally overdose on sleeping pills during his teenage years, but was stopped by his mother. They agreed on keeping it a secret.

### Autism

Even though Janus exhibits several autistic traits, his neurodivergency has not been officially confirmed by an expert. Nevertheless, Janus might have experienced situations before which could have been signs of impending autistic burnout as well as autistic meltdowns (internalised and externalised) and shutdowns. In other AUs, Janus has been officially diagnosed with the neurodevelopment condition that was formerly known as Asperger's syndrome.

## Sexual Orientation and Sexuality

Janus has pondered being bisexual or pansexual as a teenager. Yet again, he identifies as homosexual as an adult. While he does not feel romantically nor sexually attracted to women, he may find them aesthetically appealing and has engaged in intimate encounters with several (people who identify as) women in the past. Due to past experiences, Janus has a troubled relationship with intimacy and sexual longing.

## Illusion of Subversion

Janus firmly believes he would subvert common societal ideologies and follow his own set of rules. Nevertheless, he is, in fact, the result of his upbringing and societal norms which renders him the product of a dysfunctional family as well as societal objectification and sexualisation of feminine and/or gay men.

## Interests and Hobbies

### Ocean and Fish

Janus is deeply fascinated by the ocean and its inhabitants. After visiting the aquarium in Hamburg as an infant, he shows heightened interest in aquatic animals. As soon as he is able to read, Janus spends a lot of his time gathering information about fish, but particularly sharks, lobsters, whales and jellyfish. Growing older, Janus develops a conflicted opinion in terms of zoos and aquariums, as he finds it hard to tolerate animals living in captivity. Nevertheless, he owns a small fish tank as an adult, which he carefully tends. Since he considers the atmosphere to be soothing, he spends a lot of time at aquariums whenever he feels overwhelmed, sad, stressed or anxious. Alternatively, Janus seeks refuge at rivers, lakes or by the sea to unwind and to cope with stress.

### Music

Janus has always been fond of music as a way to make sense of his emotions as well as a way to express himself. While he is a very introverted child, he enjoys singing in kindergarten and appears to have no issues with performing in front of an audience. Much to his parent’s surprise, their son who is sensitive to loud noises expresses sincere excitement and joy visiting an orchestra performance of Camille Saint-Saëns' *The Carnival of the Animals* at the Elbphilharmonie with the kindergarten. As a result, Janus asks his parents for violin classes at the age of only four years. Hoping that visiting a music school would boost his son's social skills, Ernst complies, even though he utters financial worries and an overall reluctance towards the idea. Over the course of the following years, Janus learns to play several instruments, starts singing professionally and becomes part of a renowned youth orchestra in Hamburg at the age of 14. He also wins several prizes.

### Sports

Ernst increasingly worries about Janus’ lack in social interaction as a child. Thus, he tries to introduce him to peers by enrolling him in a soccer club — much against his son’s wishes. After Janus attends practise for a few times and partakes in a match to please his father, Ernst agrees to withdraw him from the club, as he is confronted with the fact that his son is genuinely terrible at playing soccer. As a compromise, Janus starts playing tennis as well as volleyball with his sister. Though Janus is not opposed to physical activity, he is not fond of team sports. He enjoys riding his bike, hiking and swimming, preferably on his own. However, during puberty, Janus loses interest in swimming, due to his body-related insecurities. As an adult, he becomes a little more used to group activities and regularly goes jogging with his band members as well as Damian.

### Media

Even though Janus has never experienced exposure to playing video games as a child, since it has been frowned upon in the Bohm household as useless and not productive activity, it becomes one of his most favourite hobbies as a teenager due to Tina’s influence. Aside from several casual games and interactive movies, Janus particularly enjoys playing horror games as well as games with a gripping storyline. From time to time, he might engage in online gaming, but hardly. He also generally refrains from using the voice chat due to his soft-sounding voice. Other than that, Janus likes to read manga and enjoys watching movies. He also takes great interest in literature and poetry and particularly enjoys reading novels by Swiss author Peter Stamm who oftentimes writes about relationships which have grown cold over time, told from a male protagonist's very pragmatic point of view. His main playlist is named after Stamm's *Die sanfte Gleichgültigkeit der Welt* ('The Gentle Indifference of the World'). His favourite novel is *Agnes,* even though the relationship of the protagonists remind him of his parents' which has eventually led to reading the novel in his father's voice. Also, he cherishes Daniel Kehlmann, Wolfgang Herrndorf, Margaret Atwood, Elfriede Jelinek, Andreas Steinhöfel and classics by Goethe, Schiller, Hesse and Frisch. In terms of poetry, he likes poems by Rupi Kaur and Ulla Hahn. Due to this, he has been accused of actively trying to be different or desperately wanting to impress his constantly indifferent father by showing off an 'acquired taste'.

## Multilingualism

Because of Ernst’s Danish roots, Janus has been raised in a multilingual household. Even though the Bohm family mostly refers to German to communicate, complex issues may be discussed in English due to Ernst’s initially limited German skills. By the time Janus has become a teenager, Ernst’s German has significantly improved, but his strong Danish accent still lingers. Despite denying it, Janus’ German vocabulary as well as his English pronunciation is widely influenced by his father’s way of speaking.

Growing up in Hamburg, Janus picks up the regional dialect. However, as Regina strictly uses Standard German in any given situation, due to being afraid of appearing uneducated, her son is capable of switching between dialects if necessary. Therefore, talking to his friends, peers and classmates, Janus refers to the local dialect. At home, he uses Standard German.

While Regina almost exclusively communicates in German with Janus, Ernst is prone to speak Danish whenever he spends time alone with his son, hoping it would teach him the ropes of his mother tongue. As father and son mostly interact in settings that demand instructions, Janus starts to associate Danish with tasks, but particularly coldness, as well as criticism and reprimands. Thus, even though Janus is capable of speaking Danish fluently, he hardly responds in the language to clearly contrast himself from his father. This may change according to the situation, e.g. while engaging on the phone with his Danish relatives.

Since Janus is quite good at recognising patterns in languages, he finds it fairly easy to learn them. Yet again, he struggles to express emotions and subjectivity in almost every single one of them, no matter his proficiency level. For example, he particularly struggles with the Spanish *subjuntivo* and the French *subjonctif* which indicates a subjective view on something. Also, he tends to associate languages with functions. While Janus dreads Danish because of this, he considers German to be the language of his heart. English, however, is used to connect with one another and to find a common ground.

In general, Janus has been exposed to English from an early age on. As his father oftentimes watches Danish TV, which commonly airs unedited English shows, Janus becomes quite fluent in English early. Visiting a bilingual school to do his A-Levels, his general English proficiency can be generally regarded as rather high.

Aside from English, Danish and German, Janus speaks French and Spanish on a conversational level, as he learned both languages at school. He comprehends bits and pieces of Italian, but is not capable of speaking it.

## Relationships

### Current Romantic Relationships

> "Maybe it was true, what people said, and love *did* come in different forms and shapes, but Janus sucked at visualising things, and not to say at drawing. However, if he had to put his love for Morgan into song, he would confidently bring in the world's finest musicians and biggest choirs, let the orchestra play a never ending, constant crescendo, until the audience practically started begging to go home. But if Janus were to translate his feelings for Damian, he would probably think of a piece in G Minor, played from an old, but dearly held piano, sat in the corner of a dimly lit bedroom, accompanied by the tedious sound of static noise of a kept on television, which would most likely drive him insane sooner or later."
>
>

#### Morgan Amandus

> "If this between us doesn't work out, nothing will." - Morgan Amandus
>
>

Meeting at the bar on Christmas Eve in 2023, Janus immediately develops an unnatural fixation on Morgan and begins to obsess over winning his affection. Unbeknownst to Janus, Morgan reciprocates the feeling; he even deems the encounter to be fate, as he has already been pathologically infatuated with Janus upon crossing his way in 2022, which has even led to several periods of stalking. However, as Morgan had still been in a relationship with Luis as well as Janus with Nathan, he has refrained from all forms of interaction, and stuck to excessively acquiring information about Janus, quietly following him around and watching him from afar.

After a short period of dating, Janus and Morgan officially become a couple and eventually move in together in early February 2024. On a surface level, their relationship resembles the one of a married couple in an old American movie, since Janus quickly seizes the position of the caring housewife and Morgan the role of the grumpy, yet loving husband. However, due to excessive codependency and trauma from past abuse, the true nature of their relationship differs greatly from what can be perceived by outsiders. Janus’ mental well-being and existence is entirely centred around Morgan, going as far as he would blindly kill or sacrifice himself for him, and Morgan can freely decide over Janus’ course of life. Particularly in the beginning of their relationship, Morgan has heightened control over Janus, as Janus is fully financially dependent on him. Morgan is the one paying for his university fees, offers him shelter at his apartment and employs him. Even as the financial issues start to resolve, as Janus dislikes receiving money he did not earn and feels rather stressed out than helped by Morgan’s financial aid, he is still dependent on Morgan due to visa issues. As a consequence, they consider marriage, but Janus again is skeptical of this solution, as he would want to marry his partner out of love, not pragmatism.

While Gregory perceives Janus to be a typical gold digger, Janus does not seek financial advantages. Unlike Luis, Janus is not flattered by expensive gifts. To him, it is always the thought and symbolic meaning of a present that matters most to him. Janus is rather interested in actions and words that prove someone’s integrity and love which Morgan is able to take to an extreme level. For example, even though he should be terrified, Janus is morbidly flattered by the fact that Morgan has killed his ex-boyfriend to be with him instead. Janus is purely interested in Morgan’s undivided affection and attention, no matter how ugly it might look like, and obsessively seeks to get to the core of his soul. Also, Morgan keeps on covertly threatening Janus to kill both of them if the relationship does not work out, but Janus takes odd pride in the thought of being “the final one” and has uttered ignorance towards being killed by Morgan in the past. He seeks to be his favourite lover and perfect husband, and if he fails to do so, he wishes to be at least his “most exquisite corpse”.

As they compliment each other in the best *and* worst of ways, Janus repeatedly fuels Morgan's need to control, loss of morale and sense of grandiosity, reassuring him his actions would be justified and his motifs pure. This affirmation results in a dangerous chain reaction, as Morgan grows more ruthless over time and finds pride in his violent behaviour and self-justice. Ironically, with Janus’ guidance, Morgan also seems to grow softer. He becomes more approachable, humane, lighthearted and generally a little but more expressive in everyday life situations and allows himself to trust and show emotions, even starts to enjoy leisure time activities, engage in social situations with friends or daily routines like having dinner with his partner. In exchange, Janus is taught to embrace his suppressed anger as a valid part of his identity. As time progresses, Janus also learns to deal with Morgan's temper or even how to use it to his advantage.

Together, Janus and Morgan might become whole, but continue the trauma of their families and past generations caused by toxic masculinity and patriarchal structures. Coming together, they embody the hurt that has been inflicted on men and women alike by these outdated norms, but also the harm that is carried on to their surroundings. As Janus embodies the suppressed feminine part of a soul which has been widely connected with passivity, creativity, kindness and insanity in the past, he lacks Morgan’s male aggression, power, self-worth, genius and action. Based on this, they are often compared to being like Fire and Water.

#### Damian Evans

> "From my perspective, it's more like I can have all of these meaningless flings, because I've got you for the important stuff [...]. Does that make any sense?" - Damian Evans
>
>

Just like in the case of Janus’ and Morgan’s relationship, the nature of Damian’s and Janus’ friendship is complex and hard to pinpoint. Even though they are polar opposites of each other, Janus and Damian share a deep understanding for each other which, much to Janus’ desperation, cannot be described or explained. Initially, Janus does not seem to be fond of his new colleague and his leisurely and optimistic approach to life and work. This quickly changes as soon as Damian reveals he is secretly frustrated with not being taken seriously by his peers and coworkers. Janus is highly sympathetic of his dissatisfaction, since he has experienced being belittled himself, and gradually softens up. He starts to reconsider his view of his colleague and ultimately grows to appreciate Damian for his humour, loyalty and unwavering optimism. Shortly after, Janus feels increasingly guilty for misjudging him before. They also get closer due to both falling victim to Gregory's ostracism, scheming and ridicule. As Janus starts to speak out against Gregory in order to protect Damian from further humiliation, Damian seems to appreciate the gesture greatly and pledges loyalty to his new friend. Worried about Damian's safety, Janus immediately shuts his offer down, actually warning him that he is an opportunistic human being who takes advantage of the people who are close to him. Due to the fact that Damian appears to be deeply hurt by being pushed away and insists on being Janus' friend, Janus is confused at first, but eventually gives in.

Since Damian is the least damaged individual in their circle, Janus is convinced that he is also the only one who has a fair chance of living a normal life, and tries his best at keeping him safe. This plan fails when Gregory assaults both of them, as a result of believing they would be scheming against him. Protecting Janus from Gregory, Damian kills Gregory in self-defence, but almost loses his life by doing so. Janus, now greatly indebted to his overly loyal friend, desperately tries to save him. Damian, however, appears to be pleased dying a hero and tries to end things with a blank slate, confessing his love for Janus and affection for Samuel. At this point, their relationship gains a disruptive element. From then on, Janus is driven by his need to feel loved, but also does not want to manipulate and harm his best friend any further. However, as Janus gets more and more corrupted, he starts to enjoy feeding Damian's affection to keep him by his side and gets obsessively possessive over him. Even though Janus firmly believes he does not have any romantic or sexual interest in Damian, he is constantly thrilled by the thought that Damian longs for him and shows clear jealousy and discomfort whenever he has other suitors, even envy if the suitors become partners. Nonetheless, Janus seems to genuinely care for Damian's well-being and is possibly the closest to his Jonathan-self spending leisure time with him. This is why Arianne repeatedly advises Janus to leave Morgan for Damian, as she assumes Damian would be the 'healthier' choice for him. She also argues Janus would seem "more like himself" and "act his age" when he is with Damian.

By including Janus in day-to-day activities, such as visiting cafés and restaurants together, jogging in Central Park, studying in the library or meeting up for movie or game nights, Damian also anchors him in the real world and prevents him from becoming fully submerged in the darkness that surrounds Morgan. Yet again, the more time Damian and Janus spend together, they grow accustomed to each other's presence and physical closeness, and the lines between friendship and relationship increasingly commence to blur from both sides. Janus starts to provide Damian with the emotional warmth and intimacy of a relationship, be it without sexual advances, and Damian returns the favour with unconditional affection that, most above all, does not come at the cost of pain. Thus, opposed to Morgan's and Janus' relationship, which underlies a strict hierarchy and fixed power dynamics, Damian and Janus appear as equals. Though they might not always see eye to eye and are prone to unnecessary quarrels, they respect each other's opinions and wish the best for each other, even if it may hurt them.

However, as Damian slowly loses his optimistic approach to life and Janus' corruption and feeling of a lingering void steadily intensifies over time, the disruption in their relationship also grows stronger, possibly allowing Janus to take the upper hand.

### Former Romantic Relationships

#### Felix Wiśniewski

> “Isn't it kinda ironic that someone donated their body to Body Worlds, probably thinking they would contribute to science or even hoping they’d be immortalised that way, but end up here, in the ‘adults only’-room, displayed in a suggestive pose, or straight up engaging in post-mortem intercourse with a complete stranger, only to be laughed at by some snarky high school students like us?”
>
>

> “Who knows, Jonathan, maybe this is exactly what they wanted?”
>
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For the longest time, Felix and Janus have been classmates who always tolerated each other, but never actively sought each other’s presence, expecting they would not have any common interests besides their shared main subjects, philosophy and music. One day, they are required to work together for a group project, and Felix and his friends talk about their issues with the optional enemies in *God of War: Ragnarök* while preparing their presentation*.* Having beaten the game with Tina before, Janus, much to their surprise, offers a piece of advice, and Felix rather inelegantly voices his surprise that “a guy like him" who is "you know, gay" would be "playing a game like that or video games in general”. Realising that his words might have been hurtful, Felix immediately apologises for his behaviour. However, Janus seems to be unbothered by the comment anyway, as he is quite aware that Felix and his friends are by no means hostile people, but simply have lacked contact points with queer people in the past. While Felix seems to appreciate Janus' calm and understanding demeanour - but also his dry sense of humour -, Janus appreciates Felix's tendency to openly speak his mind. Over the course of the following days, they meet several times at Felix's place in order to beat the game with his friends. Even upon finishing the game, the two of them keep on spending time during school, but also continue hanging out after classes. As a result, Felix slowly starts questioning his stereotypes of queer men and, as he feels more and more drawn to Janus, ponders whether he could be bisexual. Unbeknownst to Felix, Janus returns the romantic feelings.

During a school trip to *Body Worlds* at the end of the school year, Felix purposefully strays them from the rest of the group in the dimly lit hall and locks his hands shyly with Janus while looking at the exhibits. Oblivious to the romantic gesture at first, Janus wonders whether his friend might feel uneasy in the presence of the dead bodies, but steadily starts to see through the situation. Much to Janus' surprise, he actually enjoys Felix' innocent flirting as well as the thrill of possibly being seen by their classmates, and reciprocates the advances, even if nervously and hesitantly. Close to the end of the exhibition, they slip into a secluded area which is off limit for minors. Observing the bizarre scenery of corpses in suggestive poses, Janus initiates a conversation about his lingering obsession with being perceived and remembered as perfect by referring to the motivation of the people who have donated their bodies, only to end up being portrayed in rather unpleasant positions for the rest of their physical existence. Felix jokingly replies that some people might actually find fulfilment knowing they would spend their 'eternity' in a suggestive pose like this, which misses the mark, but amuses Janus nevertheless. As the other visitors leave them on their own, Felix seizes the opportunity and carefully leans in for a kiss. Even if the morbid surroundings do not match the occasion, Janus kisses him back. Though they occasionally share further intimate moments, none of them dares to take the next step, and their romance fades with the appearance of Nathan.

Though Felix could be described as rather clumsy and does not have an eye for details and often lacks tact, he is still the first person to actually pay attention to Janus' limits and tempo. As both of them have been quite insecure, even due to different reasons, they could have probably given each other time to slowly explore their identities and relationship concepts.

#### Christina Lobrecht

> “While Tina enthusiastically accompanies The Weeknd's *Blinding Lights* with off-key vocals and an alcohol-induced lisp, she reaches out for his hand to lead him home. The lights of the harbour are reflected in the glittering fabric of her dress, and Jonathan wishes more than ever he had been in love with her."
>
>

#### Nathan Moreau

> “You have nothing to offer but a pretty face and a troubled personality." - Nathan Moreau
>
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### Family Connections

#### Henriette Bohm

Even if they are very different from each other, Janus and Henriette have been fairly inseparable during their childhood days. However, as soon as they are put into different classes starting from 5th grade, the twins slowly grow apart, but still cherish each other's presence.

Unlike Janus, whose adolescence is entirely overshadowed by the demands of his overbearing father, Henriette is allowed great freedom and self-reflection. The hereby granted possibilities of grand youthful rebellion go by without any reprimands, but also without the yearned attention and guidance from her parents. Thus, what may seem as enviable luxury from Janus' point of view, actually means the sensation of severe neglect to Henriette. At the same time, Henriette misinterprets Ernst's firm control of her twin's life as favouritism by their father. As both suffer from their parents' regimen and find much needed solitude in their shared understanding of something no outsider would possibly be able to understand, the teenager's camaraderie outweighs the grudge they secretly hold against each other.

As Henriette ages, she finds staying at home increasingly unbearable. Through this, she gains access to the world beyond the boundaries of her household, and realises the dysfunctional nature of it, but also leaves her twin brother behind in it. By now, she and Janus hardly spend any time together besides during family events as well as volleyball and tennis classes. Nevertheless, they often check in on each other in the late evenings. Whenever needed, they hold so-called 'Krisentreffen' to reflect on recent relationship, personal or familial issues, which occasionally might result in lengthy conversations and sleepovers. One night, Janus confides in Henriette that he might be gay and that he would be immensely afraid of his Ernst's and god's judgement if that had been the case. For the first time, Henriette senses the extent of her brother's frustration with their father, and is led to believe he would see through the problems at home too.

Falsely believing Janus would finally pick her side, Henriette decides to eventually confront their father with being 'the family dictator', and starts waiting for a suitable occasion to do so. Several weeks later, Ernst once again brushes off Henriette's annoyance with her chemistry teacher as a mere inconvenience, and she loses her temper, hoping Janus would support her stance. However, as Janus is too scared to cross his father, he desperately makes efforts to mediate between the two parties and even commences to relativise Henriette's problems in order to maintain peace in the household. Even though Janus means to protect his sister from his father's rage by diminishing her issues, Henriette feels betrayed by her twin.

Now fully estranged from her family, Henriette decides to live with her Danish relatives and attend school in Denmark. During Janus' last attempt to apologise before she leaves, they get into a heated argument. Henriette accuses her brother of engaging in emotional incest with their parents and maintaining their madness instead of fighting it with her. Henriette complains he would be the constant centre of their family's attention, just because he would be some kind of "retarded freak" that needed extra treatment. She also accuses Janus of being their father’s “second wife”, as he always tries to cater to his wishes no matter the cost and betrayal, just like their mother. This surprises Janus, as he feels pressured by the constant feeling of being responsible for his parent's happiness, and has always envied his sister's freedom instead. At the end of their conversation, Henriette tells him to finally pick a side, as he could not please everyone and that he needed to fight for his own beliefs in order to live. A few days later at the train station, Henriette requests that he must not reach out to her until he has left their family for good. Dreading this will never happen, Henriette says her farewells.

Even though it might not seem like it, Janus has always loved his sister and misses her deeply. However, he has also accepted that he will never be able to regain her trust. To some extent, Janus even considers their separation to be the best thing which could have happened, as it might grant Henriette the possibility to lead a normal life and break the vicious cycle of their transgenerational trauma. In general, Janus refers to Henriette as the more mature and smarter twin, because she was able to see through their parent's true nature a lot earlier than he did.

#### Ernst Bohm

Ironically, Ernst and Janus care a lot about each other, but lack a shared emotional language as a common ground to convey their affection. As a family patriarch who relies on the principles of tough love, male leadership and control, Ernst struggles with his son's insecurity, sensitivity and need for warmth. At the same time, Janus struggles with his father's lack of emotional response and becomes obsessed with trying to meet his demands in order to receive his affection and praise. However, Ernst is not impressed with any of his son's achievements and diligence. Being unable to meet each on eye level, they estrange one another further and further. This results in a lingering sense of frustration and resignation with one another.

Even though Janus might deny it, his father has always yearned for his son’s undivided affection and had his best interests at heart. Ernst has hoped to establish a (stereo-)typical father-son relationship with his son and tried to bond over masculine-coded activities which include a high level of male comradeship, such as fishing and soccer. Believing he needed to prepare Janus for becoming a firm and just family leader one day, he sought to pass on his family values, traditions and his mother tongue. To please his father, Janus willingly partakes in Ernst’s lessons, but does not seem to share his conservative ideologies or is genuinely interested in his activities. In fact, most of Ernst's hobbies secretly distress Janus, as he is fascinated by fish while his father enjoys fishing. After moving into a house in Eimsbüttel, they tend the garden together as a compromise.

## Arcs

### The Pitiful Coincidence of One's Existence (Jonathan Arc Part 1)

Jonathan Ernst Bohm and his twin sister Henriette Bohm are born to Regina Heidi Meyer and Ernst Bohm on a rainy evening in July in St. Georg, an underprivileged district in Hamburg. To care for her children, Regina interrupts studying medicine.

The family struggles with financial problems, even though Ernst earns money from his dual curriculum at the police academy. The topic often results in lengthy conversations at the dinner table at night time. By the time Jonathan and his sister are able to go to the kindergarten, Regina trains to become a nurse. Briefly after, Ernst eventually becomes part of the criminal investigation department.

At kindergarten, Jonathan is regarded as overly shy, apathetic and timid. Having a hard time making friends with other children, he mostly plays with his sister or on his own by solving puzzles or simply day dreaming. Whenever he feels greatly misunderstood by his peers or teachers, Jonathan is prone to shutdowns or meltdowns which the other children find odd or scary. One time, Jonathan refuses to hold a girl's hand during a stroll through the city and refusal leads to the assumption that he would not like to hold a girl's hand, even though he did not want to generally hold anyone's hand besides his sister's. Though the misunderstanding seems to bother him profoundly and ends in a shutdown, he does not mind the consequences which lead to spending time isolated from the rest of the group. Jonathan would even gratefully accept doing the dishes with kindergarten teachers as a punishment.

Jonathan's behaviour abruptly changes as soon as Tina, a girl from Turkey who is two years older than him, is suddenly introduced to the group. Though she is hardly capable of speaking or understanding German, Tina gets along quite well with everyone, but particularly well with Jonathan. As they bond over their shared sensation of not being able to express themselves properly in a language everybody understands, Jonathan immediately opens up. After a few months, Tina suddenly vanishes from the kindergarten.

At the age of 4, Jonathan realises his love for music and starts playing the violin. One year after, he and his sister are sent to elementary school.

As the careers of Jonathan's parents suddenly start to skyrocket, he is forced to become independent quickly, but also granted more musical hobbies. At the same time, the financial stability at home finally increases, and the Bohm family decides to leave St. Georg. Eventually, they find an affordable apartment in the old district of Altona. At the age of 12, Jonathan and Henriette start to attend the local secondary school, which happens to be the same that his former kindergarten friend Tina visits. By the time Jonathan has turned 14, they start dating, but break up only after a few months. Nevertheless, they remain on good terms and spend most of their free afternoons studying, strolling through the city, playing video games or watching movies together.

One year later, the Bohm family moves to a house in the upscale part of Eimsbüttel in Hamburg. By now, Regina and Ernst almost fully rely on their children to take care of the household, but particularly on Jonathan, as nothing is expected of Henriette. Though his quality of life has been significantly improved due to the money his parents make, Jonathan feels an immense void, loneliness and unrest growing in his chest. Meanwhile, his exhausted mother turns to him for emotional support, talking about her fears and shattered dreams.

The family dynamic suddenly worsens as Henriette falls out with their parents. As a result, she decides to move to her relatives in Denmark.

Months after, Ernst is almost fatally injured at work. Being unable to work in his former position under his condition, he is transferred to the role of Chief of Police of the Free and Hanseatic City of Hamburg.

#### The Good, The Bad and The Gays

During the first week of summer break, Jonathan and Tina work as volunteers for a children's summer break program at a kindergarten.

#### "Heaven is A Place on Earth"

Regina and Ernst seize the occasion of Jonathan's sixteenth birthday to invite neighbours, close friends and relatives over to their home. At the party, Eva Janssen tells Jonathan a cautionary tale based on her own life, warning him not repeat her mistakes. Terrified by something in her gaze, Jonathan flees from the party.

#### Death and Sex - Most Natural Things In The World

Four weeks after Eva's funeral, Jonathan still desperately tries to make sense of her suicide and seeks guidance by his parents and friends. Much to his surprise, his environment has already grown indifferent to Eva's death. Accompanying his quasi boyfriend Rafael on his way home after visiting the movies together, Jonathan and him pass Eva's former workshop. Haunted by the images of Eva's suicide, Jonathan panics and worries about the state of his mind. He decides to confide in Rafael, who misreads Jonathan's request to talk "in private" as an attempt at flirting. As Rafael initiates making advances in the shade of the Monopteros at Hayns Park, Jonathan is overwhelmed and startled, and ultimately hits him in the face after Rafael tries to slip his hands into his shorts. Enraged, Rafael accuses Jonathan of not repaying his patience, time and affection properly, but also of being stuck-up and prude.

Meeting up for Halloween several days later, Tina jokingly calls Jonathan arrogant. As Jonathan is reminded of Rafael's accusation and fears it might be true, he breaks down in tears. Tina is profoundly confused by her friend's reaction and tries to console him. Even though Jonathan feels bad about worrying his friend, he laments being prude and assumes he might be broken, as he could not bring himself to kiss Rafael back or just "let it happen". Tina proposes he might be a late bloomer, but also suggests Jonathan to consider doing a therapy to deal with his general distress. In the end, Jonathan reveals he would have expected to be "immune" to sexual assault because of his gender, but Tina laughs it off and replies that anybody could be a victim and one should trust nobody, except a good therapist.

A few weeks before Christmas, Jonathan is still distraught from the events of the previous months, particularly Eva's suicide. Suggesting he might seek therapy to cope, he falls out with his parents. Ernst calls his son too sensitive and ungrateful and leaves Regina to deal with their son. Hoping his mother would understand him, Jonathan confesses how much he struggles with Eva's suicide, but Regina brushes it off, responding he would have hardly known Eva and that ill people eventually died. Jonathan suggests that their entire family would be ill, too, referring to his paternal grandmother's depression and suicide. Not knowing how to handle the situation, Regina leaves her son weeping on the stairs. More than ever, Jonathan understands Henriette's remark that she had wished their parents had aborted them.

#### "Sound & Vision"

At the beginning of the new year, Jonathan falls ill. Though he feels an immense guilt for not going to school, working at his weekend job or being part of orchestra rehearsals at first, he is faced with the fact that his presence is not really needed; he can always be replaced by someone else. This realisation puts him at ease, yet again it frustrates him immensely. At the same time, he ponders what Jonathan makes Jonathan and whether he does truly like the things he seems to put on a pedestal, such as music.

#### "Fahr uns nach Hause P1"

Upon finishing her written A-Levels in April, Tina faces great freedom amidst even greater disorientation.

In the following weeks leading up to the graduation ceremony, Tina and Jonathan grow closer than ever. In their shared melancholy, they begin to spiral, and are washed up in Hamburg's party scene.

#### Of Saviours and Cult Leaders

After Tina leaves to study Game Design, Jonathan and his classmate Felix are grouped for a project and get along surprisingly well. In the following weeks, they become increasingly romantically interested in each other. As both of them are quite inexperienced, Felix allows Jonathan enough freedom to slowly explore his feelings at an adequate pace and vice versa. They share a kiss during a school trip at the end of the term.

After summer break, Jonathan meets Nathan Moreau during a Q&A about studying music at school. Jonathan is not only fascinated by Nathan's achievements, but also by his charisma. He awkwardly tries to make contact, but fails. In the following October, they meet once more at the concert of the winners of *Jugend musiziert 2019.* This time, he introduces himself as an agent of the Justine Moreau Fund and utters great interest in Jonathan -- particularly in his musical abilities. They exchange contact information and decide to keep in touch. When Nathan actually contacts him, Jonathan is immediately starstruck. They start messaging back and forth and eventually start meeting each other on a regular basis. Jonathan feels flattered by the attention of an adult man, particularly an established and well-received composer, who has studied at the prestigious Juilliard. In November, Jonathan confesses Nathan that he has feelings for him, but Nathan thankfully declines the offer, pointing out that Jonathan is a minor and, above all, not a woman.

Nevertheless, the following days and weeks, Nathan keeps on showering Jonathan with affection, appreciation and attention, and Jonathan is led on to believe that Nathan might like him back after all. In December, Nathan suddenly kisses Jonathan at the Christmas market, and introduces him as his boyfriend to his family during the Christmas holidays.

#### "Superspreader"

When COVID hits Germany in the beginning of 2020, Nathan takes full advantage of the isolation that comes with social distancing and manages to alienate Jonathan from his friends and family. At the beginning, Jonathan is still connected with Tina using Discord, but eventually Nathan makes him feel guilty whenever he contacts other people.

In the meantime, Ernst's world view start to become more radical and he begins to question the whereabouts and scope of the pandemic. Even though Regina spends most of the time at work because of the virus, Ernst remains skeptical. As soon as vaccination is made available to the public, Ernst opposes Regina's wish to get the entire family vaccinated. Regina gives in to Ernst's complaints to keep him happy, but Jonathan is severely frustrated with this choice.

As 2021 begins, Jonathan's graduation from high school draws nearer, and he finds himself in a dilemma. On the one hand, he does not want to waste his life on becoming a lawyer just to keep his parents happy, but also does not want to disappoint them by studying music.

After the A-Levels, Jonathan's class gets ready for a final outing which has been postponed due to COVID. Jonathan is exceptionally excited, as this would mark the first time of going abroad, but a few days prior to the trip, he realises he does not have a sense of taste anymore. A few hours later he develops high fever. As his classmates finally leave for London, Jonathan tests positive for COVID at home. Ernst muses about how staying at home and wearing masks would have impacted Jonathan's immune system, and eventually blames his son for becoming ill himself. This time, Jonathan feels the urge to confront Ernst with his delusions, but is too exhausted. Thus, he leaves his father to his ramblings at the dinner table.

#### When All The World Dissolves

At the graduation ceremony, Jonathan’s parents meet Nathan for the first time. To prevent any arguments, Jonathan and Nathan agree on keeping their relationship status a secret. Though Jonathan has passed his A-levels with flying colours and is awarded several prizes and scholarships, his father laments not reaching full points in PE. Instead of congratulating his son, he jokingly muses that the prize money would actually belong to the chemistry and mathematics tutors they had to pay in the last twelve years. Jonathan is deeply and visibly hurt by this statement.

Nathan and Jonathan spend the rest of the evening talking by the Alster. Coming to terms with the fact that pleasing his parents is an unattainable goal, Jonathan starts to ponder the very reason of his existence and whether any of his achievements even matter. In the end, as he seems to be fighting a not winnable war, he decides to finally do what he wants. Expecting to be shunned from his family upon deciding to study music at the Hochschule für Musik und Theater Hamburg, Jonathan gradually makes peace with financing his life on his own, but Nathan frowns upon this decision. Musing that Jonathan's talent would be no match for the local college of music, Nathan asks him to join him in New York and promises him they would find a way to get him into a place that actually lived up to his talent. Completely dumbfounded by this offer, Jonathan regards it to be a joke, but ultimately refuses, pledging allegiance to his family once again. Nathan purses convincing him and offers a contract with his father's foundation, as a scholarship is off the table due to their romantic involvement.

A few days later, Jonathan recites the generous offer at home. This time, Ernst shows sincere concerns regarding his son's wellbeing and warns Jonathan Nathan might be a dangerous person. Jonathan, by now greatly irritated by his father's constant lack of recognition in any way, insists on Nathan's integrity. Regina, trying to mediate between father and son, asks Jonathan why he was so certain about Nathan's good intentions. Jonathan hesitates, but declares that he trusts Nathan because he is in love with him and eventually comes out as gay. As Regina tries to deescalate by vowing it would probably a phase, Ernst utters disbelief and even disgust.

#### "Hope In The Air"

During their final fight, Ernst tries to cast aside their differences and urges Jonathan once again not to fall for Nathan's offer by setting him an ultimatum: If Jonathan decides to leave with him, he will not be able to come back ever again. Jonathan, by now entirely alienated from his father, leaves.

From now on, Jonathan stays at Nathan's place and works on his application for The Juilliard School. Additionally, Jonathan confides his plans in his maternal grandparents. As they still hold a grudge against Ernst and have always been keen on their (grand-)children making it big one day, they immediately offer their unlimited assistance to Jonathan.

### The Gentle Indifference of the World (Jonathan Arc Part 2)

Enrolled in one of the most prestigious music universities in the world, Jonathan is euphoric. Within a short period of time, he becomes one of the top students and a hailed newcomer by critics. After being recommended as musical accompaniment for a charity event by the Justine Moreau Fund, Jonathan is introduced to the organisers - museum director Ralph Mitchell as well as his wife and curator Sarah. The couple takes an immediate interest in his personality and artistic work. As they seem to get along quite well, they keep in touch.

#### "Free To Live In Colour"

While Jonathan soars, Nathan continues to find himself in a slump. Scared of not being able to repeat his former success and utterly jealous of his boyfriend's critical acclaim, Nathan commences sabotaging Jonathan's career by giving him false advice. At the same time, Nathan confides in Jonathan that he has been struggling with writer's block for quite some time, hoping his empathic partner would suggest to join his current project. Out of compassion and love, Jonathan immediately agrees to work on Nathan's piece, even if it meant he would slowly vanish from the limelight in the meantime.

#### "Fahr uns nach Hause P2"

By now, Jonathan has become an integral part of the Justine Moreau Fund's money and talent acquisition which does not only turn out to be immensely time-consuming, but also dirty work. He is asked to recruit other talents at his university, among those students are Ibrahim, Naoki and Arianne. Even though none of them are interested in working with or for the Justine Moreau Fund due to their families' financial stability, the four very unlike students seem to like each other and decide to keep in touch.

Arianne, who finds herself in a period of uncertainty and crisis, befriends Jonathan who genuinely seems to care for her wellbeing. Out of trust, Arianne shares her suspicion regarding the foundation's terms of contract and urges Jonathan to leave Nathan, as she fears that he might exploit Jonathan's work to call it his own. Even though Nathan has noticeably grown distant and cold, Jonathan disagrees, still firmly believing his partner would simply go through a hard time.

#### "Hungover in The City Of Dust"

While Arianne and Jonathan cannot find an agreement regarding Nathan, they seem to share an artistic vision. Shortly after, they found Travesty, a concept band which is supposed to transcendent genres and any other limitations. Nathan suggests to include the daughter of his father's colleague and best friend, pianist Marianne Wretzky, offering professional aid in exchange. Though Jonathan suspects ulterior motifs, he agrees. At the same time, he is too scared to disappoint or anger his boyfriend by denying the offer. Nathan realises he has gained full control of his partner and the abuse in their relationship consequently starts to worsen. From there on, Jonathan is constantly belittled in front of Nathan's colleagues and friends or has to put up with shady networking strategies which include escort-like methods.

#### "Girl Singing In The Wreckage"

Holding Nathan's finished piece in his hands, Jonathan realises he has documented his own demise. However, due to his year-long disappearance and mediocre criticism, Nathan's piece is met with initial skepticism by theatre owners which leads to his frustration growing even deeper. Jonathan finally starts to question his decisions and is forced to make peace with the fact that Ernst might have not been the best father, but has been right about Nathan all along. Ultimately defeated, Jonathan comes to comprehend the scope of his action's consequences and juvenile naïveté. He does not only learn that signing the contract has stripped him off of all his rights and pressured him into a dangerous codependency with an unstable and unloving partner, but also that art business in general is ruthless, unforgiving, dirty and, above all, not about the art, but about money.

#### "How To Disappear Completely"

Jonathan, now fully disillusioned, loses the capability to translate his pain into music and is stripped of his vigour. At the same time, his intrusive thoughts worsen. Overwhelmed by his emotions and inward turned aggression, he starts to harm himself which seems to trigger something inside of his partner. All of a sudden, Nathan showers Jonathan with affection and apologises for his past behaviour, explaining he had become weary of life due to his creative slump. Whereas Jonathan wants to forgive him and vows that they will make it through these dark times together, Nathan eagerly suggests double suicide. Having been drained of all energy and lost all hope, Jonathan eventually agrees, his only condition being that Nathan would shoot him. Nathan immediately becomes profoundly upset and jumps to the bizarre conclusion that Jonathan would not love him enough to see it through, even going as far as accusing him of having hoped that Nathan would shoot himself first, so he could flee afterwards and go on with his life. The following days, Nathan starts to lock Jonathan out, making him wait in front of the apartment or even sleep in the stairwell to 'prove his loyalty'. In addition, Nathan gives up putting any effort in hiding his affair with Marianne.

#### "Cornflake Girl"

When the Mitchells suddenly reach out to Jonathan and invite him over, he hopes to find kindred spirits or even allies, but ends up meeting his worst nightmare.

#### "Blinding"

Overcome with euphoria, Nathan reveals his stageplay has been accepted by the renowned Public Theatre. Robbed of his self-worth, agency, identity and joy in music, Jonathan decides to flee from Nathan in early December.

#### Forgive Those Who Seek Destruction

Now calling himself Janus, Jonathan mostly spends his time at the university to prevent living on the streets, or stays with friends in order to avoid his ex-boyfriend. Faced with the grim reality of his actions and the fact that nothing matters and nobody will come to save him, Jonathan's self-destructive behaviour gradually worsens. During a night out, he meets NYU junior professor Joseph Miller who has just been through a messy divorce as well as his last tenure track examination. Joseph invites Jonathan to stay over for the night which marks the onset of a brief affair that slowly starts to resemble an odd father-son relationship.

As his friends leave for Christmas Eve to meet their families abroad, Jonathan considers to kill himself by drowning himself in Hudson River, but is interrupted by a passerby. Wandering through the streets of New York, Jonathan eventually meets bar owner Morgan. After a One Night Stand, Jonathan completely becomes infatuated with him and once again decides to ignore all red flags, repeating the mistakes of his past.

#### "Sharks"

Meeting several times more, Jonathan and Morgan start dating. In the meantime, Morgan learns about Jonathan's issues with the Moreau family as well as his contract. Consequently, Morgan offers financial and legal help. Reluctant at first, Jonathan agrees to his support, but insists on working for him at the bar. Gradually, Jonathan is introduced to the front and backdoor business of his boyfriend's bar.

In a sudden turn of events, Nathan's ghost-written piece proves to be a success. Afraid he might not be able to live up to the expectations of his critics the next time, Nathan tries to get Jonathan back through love bombing, but fails.

Gregory, Morgan's consultant, assumes Jonathan might be a gold digger, and fears the repetition of the case of Luis Velencoso. While the rest of the staff appreciates their newcomer, Damian and Jonathan grow particularly close. After Gregory increasingly becomes hostile towards them, Jonathan worries he might be plotting something. Gregory is informed about this and immediately feels like his assumptions have been validated. Firmly believing he would do the right thing to protect Morgan from two intriguers, Gregory viciously attacks Damian and Jonathan, but is eventually killed in self-defence by Damian. With the help of Samuel, Jonathan rushes fatally injured Damian to a nearby hospital and feels guilty for the course of actions . In his last few clear minutes, Damian confesses his affection for Samuel and Jonathan.

Against all odds, Damian survives the attack, but is left with temporal physical handicaps. However, he does not feel any remorse -- which also worries him. Opposed to Damian, Jonathan appears to be mainly psychologically scarred, as he starts to envision seeing Gregory’s ghost, much like after Eva's suicide.

Jonathan and Damian bond further over their shared trauma and Jonathan starts to increasingly obsess over his friend's love for him. Meanwhile, Morgan learns that Jonathan has suspected Gregory to attack for quite some time, but brushed it off as mere paranoia and confided his worries in Damian instead of him. Morgan becomes suspicious of the relationship dynamic between Jonathan and Damian, but is appeased by Jonathan who reminds him that Damian was willing to give his life for them. Morgan believes his boyfriend, but presumes Gregory had some help scheming, or at least someone who drove him over the edge. With the aid of Dylan Grey and Patrick Allen, two long-time friends of Morgan's, it is revealed that Jonathan's ex-affair, Joseph, has played a minor role in Gregory's plotting, as he has willingly shared information about Jonathan's precarious mental state. Dylan and Morgan give Jonathan the chance to punish Joseph for his betrayal, but Jonathan decides to spare him. Dylan intervenes and manipulates Jonathan until he reconsiders his decision, as Joseph seems to show hardly any affection for him nor remorse. Thus, Jonathan engages a final conversation with Joseph, trying to understand his motivations. Even though Joseph confesses he had loved Jonathan, he keeps on reproaching him. Disappointed with his answers and further manipulated by Dylan, Jonathan eventually gives in to his anger, much to Morgan's satisfaction. As Jonathan spirals into a fit of self-hatred and fears he has become a monstrous killer, Morgan eases his guilt-ridden mind by convincing him that he had the right to exercise self-justice to protect himself, just like the police -- or like a god.

#### "Something To Hide"

A few months after the incident, Arianne has become increasingly worried her best friend might repeat the mistakes of his past. Carefully, she starts to warn about Morgan's influence on Jonathan, but is met with resistance.

Meanwhile, Damian has been robbed of his juvenile optimism and undergoes rehabilitation which turns out to be a lengthy and painful process. Growing impatient and weary of everyone's pity, his formerly very positive relationship with his father seems to suffer. Still feeling guilty, Jonathan spends most of this afternoons at the rehabilitation centre which further strengthens their bond. Meeting almost every day, they commence sharing bits and pieces of their past. As Jonathan believes it would prove his unwavering loyalty towards Damian and return his great gesture, he eventually opens up about having partaken in Joseph's assassination in order to avenge the betrayal and Damian's current state. Due to this, Damian and Jonathan suddenly find themselves in a checkmate-like position: Whilst Jonathan could possible ruin Damian's life by telling Morgan he's romantically interested in Jonathan, Damian could report Jonathan's entanglement with Joseph's disappearance to the authorities.

In the aftermath of the previous events and trying to make sense of his boyfriend's approach to morality, Jonathan starts to ponder the very definition of what it means to be a good and civil person. He muses how quickly civilisation can be disturbed if only one person decides to stop following the rules and quickly finds himself in a vicious cycle of dangerous thoughts and ideas. Out desperation, Jonathan confides in Damian about the darkness that seems to have infested him and opens up about his aspiration to be fully loyal to Morgan's business, even if it meant to kill. In-between the lines, Jonathan also indicates his growing desire to kill Nathan, now that he is well aware this is an actual option. Though Damian seems genuinely worried about Jonathan's decision, he accepts it nevertheless. Hoping his best friend would pose as a moral guidance and stop him from crossing the final threshold, particularly as an aspiring lawyer, Jonathan finds himself once again in a moral dilemma. Yet again, it appears as if Damian does not seem to mind being surrounded by shady figures which he might have picked up from his father Richard, who has a long history of having worked with Morgan's father, Tobin. Damian also reminds Jonathan that lawyers do not only protect virtuous people; something Jonathan has never actively considered up to that point.

Changes can also be felt at the bar. In order to prevent further attacks, Morgan increases security measures and starts to cooperate with a group of friends from different clans which he has met through his father. Some of them are, just like him, the second in lines of their fathers, who seek to change the ways of their organisations. From now on, Jonathan finds himself surrounded with people who have previously earned their money with assassination and other crimes, but also with common people who do not object working with them for a living.

#### "Somewhere Near Marseilles"

Already confused by Damian's willingness to accept Jonathan's descent into New York's dangerous businesses, Jonathan is equally surprised to find out that Naoki is part of two organised crime groups through his family. In order to warn Jonathan and Morgan, Naoki passes on a message from his uncle Lee Jeong, which indicates that Nathan is about to flee from New York to Marseille after having sold the rights of his piece to evade further claims he might have stolen it from someone else. As both clans have had their own issues with the Moreau organisation in the past, they plan to team up with Morgan to kill Nathan as a warning.

#### "I Don't Know Who I Am At All"

As everything he has been taught seems to be false, Jonathan questions his identity and his mental state further deteriorates. He suffers from nightmares, the urge to inflict pain on himself as well as constant inner unrest. Trying not to worry anyone or prove himself to be worthy of his newly acquired position as assisstant manager, Jonathan does not open up about his inner turmoil. Instead, he continues bottling up his desparation, helplessness and anger.

Ibrahim confides in Jonathan that he has been drugged and filmed while being molested at a bar. Jonathan immediately feels the urge to solve the situation for him and seeks help from Rebecca, who immediately suggests physical torture as a punishment for the aggressor. At first, Jonathan is taken aback from this drastic approach, but is convinced later on. They also research a co-student of Damian's, James Robinson, who has possibly spied on him and Jonathan in exchange for money and to confirm they had been plotting against Gregory.

In addition, Jonathan meets Professor Jane Monaghan, a former acquaintance, at the bar. She is pleased to see him out of the Moreau's reach, but suggests that another former Moreau-protege, who shares Jonathan's visual appearance, has supposedly been manipulated in killing herself. Jonathan does not only slowly understand Nathan's pattern, but is also utterly distressed by the thought of truly having just been picked by Nathan due to his appearance. At his limit, Jonathan considers harming himself, but Morgan intervenes and commences teaching him to turn his aggression outwards.

#### "When The Party's Over"

On his 24th birthday, Damian is allowed to leave the rehabilitation facility for a day and stay at his father's house to celebrate. To cheer him up, Jonathan offers to host his birthday party and take care of any arrangements. While Damian is reluctant and grumpy at first, he gradually lightens up throughout the day in the closeness of his friends and family.

In the middle of the party, Jonathan receives a call and is informed that his visa might be in trouble. Knowing his visa issues are linked to his former employer, Jonathan immediately expects foul play. Unable to handle further strain, Jonathan almost loses his composure during an argument with Damian who suddenly expresses frustration with his slow recovery and is unwilling to listen to his friend's consolation. Jonathan tries to get ahold of his feelings, leaves the house briefly and is followed by Morgan. Jonathan finally opens up to him about feeling overwhelmed. As most of Jonathan's problems are linked to Nathan, Morgan's plan to dispose of him slowly seems to solidify between the two.

After everyone has left, Jonathan stays with Damian until his father returns. Sharing an intimate moment, Jonathan is once more faced with his morbid longing for affection as well as the question of what he truly feels for his best friend. Though he is disgusted of his own behaviour, Jonathan keeps on leading Damian on that he might return his romantic interest. Before leaving, Jonathan warns Damian once again that there might be something wrong with him, but Damian reassures Jonathan that he would trust him and vows to keep him on the right path.

#### This Thin Ceiling Called Civilisation

Morgan and Jonathan meet Daichi and Lee in order to decide on how to progress with Nathan before March. As the yakuza is dissatisfied with the Moreau's gentrification plans of some previously controlled neighbourhoods and the jopok accuses Nathan of human trafficking, they quickly suggest to solve the problem by killing Nathan.

As Lee confronts the group with information regarding the trafficking allegations and brings up Marianne Wretzky's alleged suicide, he quickly notices Jonathan's change in demeanour through his fastened breathing and clenched fists, deducing he might know more to this matter. Thus, Lee asks him to fill them in on the details of their past. Hesitantly, Jonathan reveals that Nathan has a pattern of suggesting double suicides to his partners as soon as he has made them unstable enough. Since Jonathan is well-informed about this issue, Lee immediately suspects he might have been through similar events and wonders why he declined Nathan's vicious offer. Jonathan admits he had actually agreed to kill himself for Nathan's sake, but insisted that he would only die at Nathan's hands which profoundly angered him for no obvious reason, letting go of the idea for the time being.

Discussing the whereabouts of Nathan's behaviour and the reason why Marianne was his last victim, Morgan and Lee realise that Nathan has worked with Liam and Gregory in order to dispose of Jonathan for good. Asking whether Jonathan would be ready to take revenge, Lee immediately shifts to putting pressure on him and proposes to 'baptise' him in a clan-specific maturation ritual -- a method to grow accustomed to killing. Whilst Morgan allows Jonathan to decide for his own, Jonathan yearns for guidance, but receives none. Lastly, he chooses to agree to the offer, believing it would ultimately prove his loyalty to Morgan and his business.

#### "Full of Life"

Taking Morgan and Jonathan to the site of the baptism, Jonathan is introduced to Lee's heavily pregnant wife, Ye-eun, as well as her assistant, Kyung Mi. Ye-eun talks to them about cultural heritage, her unborn child, husband and *Sanhujori* - Korean postpartum traditions. To Jonathan's surprise, Ye-eun seems to be a 'normal human being' despite being the wife of the head of an organised crime organization. He is even mesmerised by her equanimity, eloquence and elegance.

### The Bittersweet Poetry of Liminality (Janus Arc Part 1)

#### "Heaven is Here"

Renouncing his past, Jonathan fully grows into Janus.

## Artistic Influences

> "To be honest, I don't have a 'vivid imagination' or something. In fact, I find it very hard to actually visualise things, so I suppose the way I write lyrics is rather the result of how I was raised. My family generally avoided bluntness and speaking about facts, if we even talked to each other in the first place. All we used to communicate was allegories, metaphors, euphemisms even. When we meant to say sex, we said 'having children', when we spoke about suicide, we spoke about 'dying' instead. And when we discussed what it meant to love, all we really talked about was men and women, the exchange of goods, power and control, the legitimation of hierarchies, and how to maintain the socio-cultural status quo.”
>
>

Being exposed to classical music and Christian hymns from an early age on, Janus has an affinity for orchestral music and chorals which is reflected in his preferred style of music and artwork alike. He enjoys listening to Kreisler, Pachelbel, Beethoven, Mahler, Liszt, Chopin, Debussy and many other renowned composers. After being introduced to anime and gaming by Tina, Janus also grows fond of music by contemporary composers such as Joe Hisaishi, Yuki Kaijura, Kensuke Ushio, Ryuichi Sakamoto, Alva Noto, Susumu Hirasawa and Gustavo Santaolalla.

In spite of his troubled upbringing and complex relationship with his parents, Janus has a soft spot for music of the eighties, as his mother listened to the Northern German Public Radio (NDR) whenever she was at home. He is particularly fond of Tears for Fears, Tori Amos, Kate Bush or David Bowie, just like his mother.

Gaining access to the Internet through his smart phone and laptop during his teenage years, Janus discovers many artists who quickly become a cathartic echo chamber of his turmoils and is inspired to write lyrics based on his own experiences. Among his biggest influences are Halsey, Ethel Cain, Florence + The Machine, St. Vincent, Lana Del Rey, Hozier, July Talk, Mindless Self Indulgence, Let's Eat Grandma, London Grammar, Christine And The Queens, Mitski, Agnes Obel and Michael Kiwanuka. Janus also appreciates all-time classics by Depeche Mode, Genesis, Iggy Pop, Gorillaz, Blondie, New Order, Bauhaus Siouxsie and The Banshees, Cocteau Twins, Robert Palmer, Portishead, Radiohead, Mazzy Star, Air and many more. Lastly, he appreciates socially critical German rap and movie scores. Generally speaking, Janus likes music with substance as well as (thought-)provoking content, no matter the genre. This approach might render him as annoyingly avantgarde or snobbish sometimes.

Another source of his inspiration consist of artists who are capable of expressing emotions with their entire body in various ways. For example, he enjoys postdramatic theatre, particularly Pina Bausch’s dance theatre, and performance art, including environments and installations. He emphases being fully immersed in emotions as a big part of his work, as he strives to engage his listeners with his art. Janus is fascinated by the evocation, manipulation and mimetic representation of moods through music, voice and lyrics, but particularly in the creation of cathartic soundscapes and musical storytelling. Opposed to Janus' quiet demeanour, his musical style is overwhelmingly chaotic and loud. The sense of being emotionally overwhelmed is translated right into his music. Influenced by the horrors he has seen and lived, the morbid and grotesque becomes part of his art through dark and macabre imagery. He tries to speak the unspeakable and make the unheard heard, thus his lyrics often deal with gender dysphoria, body horror, depression and suicide, toxic familial structures as well as abuse, sexuality and repressed sexual longing and other topics. Due to his upbringing, he is prone to use religious motifs. Also, he often refers to the imagery of Ophelia which also symbolises his constant feeling of slowly descending into madness, innocently falling victim fake realities and the learned powerlessness and passiveness. Other than that, he is fascinated by the duality of the ocean and the idea of quietly disappearing and dissolving in the water which is reflected in his music as well. Generally speaking, relentless change, dualities and dichotomies are the main source of his inspiration, since he understands himself as a wanderer and bridge between shifting realities.

In his lyrics, he is prone to cross-reference to all art domains.

## Trivia

* Janus is left-handed. He prefers writing with ink pens for left-handed people, as he constantly smudges his handwriting using common pencils or pens.
* If Janus is asked for his opinion, it is most likely that he answers truthfully, even at the cost of hurting someone's feelings. Janus also gladly engages in heated discussions which are related to academia or topics he is interested in. Nevertheless, whenever he is faced with a proper argument or conflict, he immediately starts to feel sick. As this could be the result of his learned fear of disrupting the harmony at home, he jokingly compares it to the outcome of the fictional "Ludovico technique" which was used on the protagonist of *A Clockwork Orange* Alex in order to turn him into a law-abiding citizen, but also also into a person who lacks of any free will and capability to protect himself from violence.
* Janus cannot tolerate the smell, texture and taste of meat as it makes him feel sick. Due to this, he has entirely switched to a strict vegetarian or vegan diet. Even though he may prepare meat for others, he feels great discontent handling it.
* As he feels a constant inner unrest, he has a habit of wiggling his legs and picking his chapped lips. Sometimes he keeps his hands busy folding origami. Some of his friends interpret this behaviour as stimming, a common autistic trait.
* Though Janus does play video games in his spare time, he frequently declares he would not be a gamer. Janus likes horror and rhythm games as well as visual novels and walking simulators. Though he appreciates story driven games, he is not fond of most RPGs or J-RPGs. *Omori* is an exception. He also enjoys games without a proper narrative, e.g. cooperative survival horror games such as *Dead By Daylight, The Outlast Trials* and *Texas Chainsaw Massacre* or casual games like *Animal Crossing.* He considers sports games as boring.
* Janus' favourite games are *Alan Wake 2*, *Omori, Goodbye Volcano High, Class Of '09, Until Dawn, The Artful Escape, Doki Doki Literature Club, Dead Island 2* and *Tokyo Dark*.
* Janus' favourite animes are *The Flowers of Evil, Cyberpunk: Edgerunners, Devilman Crybaby,* *Psycho Pass, Hell's Paradise* and *Oshi No Ko*. He also enjoys animated series like *Arcane* and *Bojack Horseman*.
* Janus' favourite mangas are *Chainsaw Man,* *Goodbye, Eri,* *Neon Genesis Evangelion* and *Blood on The Tracks*.
* Janus' favourite movies are *Suspiria, Parasite, Inside, Children of The Sea, Melancholia, Oppenheimer, Midsommar, Beau is Afraid, Everything Everywhere All At Once, Bullet Train* and *The Menu.* He is terrified of *Last Night in Soho.*
* Janus has an odd habit of researching the meaning of his friends' first names. Sometimes, the meaning may even change his perception of a person.
* Janus likes anything that tastes and smells of lemon or citrusy fruits in general. His choice in perfumes and shower gels mirrors this greatly.
* He suffers from pollen allergy.
* Janus enjoys listening to ASMR videos.
* Out of the Seven Deadly Sins, Janus embodies The Sin of Envy.