LTVS: Paper Beats Rock

*Do not read beyond **this point** if you want to avoid being **spoiled!***

***Layla the Vampire Slayer* episode**

Hero Sheep plunges into glory and the annals of heroism. Image by Ilse

RandomTuesday

Bentham

**Paper Beats Rock** is the seventh episode of Layla the Vampire Slayer. This transcription was performed by Blacksun388.

## Synopsis

The team takes a while to heal up from their battle with Vengeance and the vampire bikers. Imogen tries to cast a spell which ends up hurting her because her rage distracts her. Layla convinces Imogen to go to the school clinic to get it looked at (all the while encouraging her to call a support center for “falling down stairs”) and she gets healed. Robert in his room hears rattling of some type from his window while he sleeps and checks on it. He sees Barnaby grasping a section of drainpipe he tried to climb down from. He tries to get Barnaby back over but then the rivets start popping out and eventually the drainpipe snaps and makes him fall. Barnaby asks Robert to try get him back up and he tries to get a bedsheet rope Barnaby can climb up. Barnaby pulls himself up and after some grilling by Robert admits he’s sneaking out to see Jane. He buys the explanation and the two go back to sleep.

The group go to an assembly about abusing the pressure in the pipes because of the students Mr. Miller killed being killed in a plumbing explosion when they overpressurized a pipe. Robert also spent time powering up the Stake Thrower. He also spends time crafting a sunlight projector torch. Imogen tries to train in stabbing and Layla comes in to try and help her gain combat experience. Barnaby also tries to help Imogen find a way to help restore James to his former self. They try to scroll through Imogen’s tomes and find some possible leads on what might be causing James condition. Everything they find seems to indicate his specific affliction isn't in there. Imogen notes that one of her books smokes and lights on fire for some strange reason. They look at the book and see the page that combusted was about demons who burrow into minds. She checks into each of her other books to make sure they aren't in danger of erupting in flame. Barnaby and Imogen decide to take James to Upper Rosewater for medical treatment. They suddenly see Imogen’s hair ignite for some reason and they are baffled at what is happening here. They go on a bit about their past adventures and have a bit of a falling out with each other. Layla then asks the two to “get a room already” and walks out.

Barnaby talks to James about the night that he lost his intelligence and he keeps mentioning the “pretty things”. He was supposed to meet with the girls and then saw the “pretty things” and the “bad things” and the “goblin people”. Barnaby asks to go into town and go to the doctor. After asking Barnaby if they were going on a date James goes off to ask Imogen and Layla for advice. James notes Imogen smelled funny and Imogen admits her hair was recently on fire. They note its very strange that it just was on fire. They make a connection that Barnaby was flustered when things caught on fire and Layla goes over to him. They talk a bit and Layla asks him about sports and decides to probably join a team. They also mention that he lit James’ socks on fire and, after Barnaby gets angry and runs off, James blazer catches on fire.
The next day James goes with Barnaby to the hospital for a brain scan. The doctor notes his brain was damaged from something pressed against his head. The damage is something the doctor has never seen before and he prescribes some meds to contain the damage and control his mood. That’s the best they can do for now. They allow the administration to keep the drug and allow it to him in controlled doses.

Imogen asks Violet to meet her and they meet up in class and talk after. Very awkward conversation ensues and Imogen asks how she became a vengeance demon. It was Imogen’s anger that called her here and her own reasons. She then asks Violet to help out in a ritual and Violet seems agitated and unwilling to help. She then mentions it would be used for revenge which catches her interest. She gives Violet the necessary parts of the ritual and then also asks about returning the soul to which violet offers some pointers. Finally she asks Violet if she is dating Barnby and she says no. He’s “too smooth and bumpy in the wrong places”.

Layla goes to try out for the Rugby team and the coach seems incredulous he would invite her to try. He tries to quote regulations forbidding her from being on the team because she is a girl. She gets ready to try out and Imogen, sitting on the sidelines, decides to try and telekinetically trip Ned who went to get the pad. Layla gives the bag a shove but manages not to make it. She then gives into her rage at being mocked by the team and puts her fullest strength into it and sends him flying, taking the bag over her head and carrying Ned with her, then sends him sailing across the pitch. The trials continue and James barely makes the cut for it and is put in reserve.

The rest of the week goes on and then the museum trip for the culture program. Iris Redfern takes the class to the museum and they all disembark from the bus. Ms. Crabapple is their guide and Imogen asks to see the statue from the Mesopotamia exhibit. They have a bit of banter back and forth as they walk and walk under a rock archway. They see a statue from mesopotamia that is noted as a fertility idol. Imogen asked about the origins and Crabapple mentions they have cuneiform tablets that Imogen seems rather interested in seeing. Imogen also mentions to Barnaby that he is “lumpy in all the wrong places” and somehow Roberts backpack suddenly starts smoldering. Layla smashes out the fire and breaks his sunlight torch. Barnaby then goes up and is angry that everyone knows about him and Violet. He is not pleased and Imogen comes up to continue to pester him, making him absent mindedly compare Violet to the statue because “it’s horrible”. Violet suddenly knees him in the groin and leaves him in pain.

Janet comes over and sees Robert’s torch. He explains it a bit and she shyly turns away. After seeing the Exhibit the museum rep approaches her and offers her time to see the Cuneiform tablets. She asks Ms. Redfern if she can stay after and write a report about it. She agrees and offers her extra credit for it. The rest of the trip goes well and the class prepares to go back. An elderly gentleman, Doctor Zeit, meets her after and asks her if she is ready to see them. She agrees and goes to the bathroom to use speed study spell to learn as much Cuneiform as she can….

Imogen and Janet stay behind and study the Cuneiform Tablets in detail. Zeit states they have around 12 tablets and 2 statues to study, one in bad condition, and Janet offers to study the tablets while Imogen goes to the statue. She gets her safety equipment on and gets to work studying some of the cuneiform on the statues and tablets. She sees the statue, an androgynous human form with stump legs, and starts learning that it was a deity of war or could be called upon named Mumuu. Janet’s statue was indeed a statue of Dagon or Ishtar. Zeit and Imogen go over their findings and he mentions it dates back to 9th century and then she tries to translate the Cuneiform on the chest. When she speaks it out loud the statue shifts and reaches out to grab Zeit. It asks where the Infidels are (in strangely perfect english) and Imogen orders it to put him down. The statue then marches off and puts Zeit down, throwing him across the room, and walks off. After that it looks and mentions that Imogen is a disciple of the infidel St. Thom Huell. Enter initiative.

Janet is scared and she grabs her bag and runs away. Imogen asks the Golem who Thom Huell is and why it’s trying to destroy his disciples. Imogen runs away as the Golem tries to crush her. She sprints out of the room and tries to hide under a desk and call Barnaby. Barnaby picks up and she frantically tells him that the statue is trying to kill her. The Golem hears her and smashes the desk she’s hiding under sending her flying into the wall. Her ears ringing, Imogen hears the golem proclaim the “disciples of Huell must not be allowed to live”. Imogen picks up half of a tablet and sees Janet at the door with an electric bike which she quickly hops on and Janet floors it. Exit initiative.

They go on and talk about what transpired. Janet notes she was reading about Dagon the protective deity and possibly a dragon on the other cuneiform tablet. She goes on asking about Dagon and shares what she learned about the golem. She notes it had an interest in Thom Huell. At the school Barnaby rouses everyone and rushes them to the museum. Layla and Barnaby go to the bike they absconded with from the biker gang. As they rush forward flames start scorching the road behind them. They run across Imogen and Janet and Imogen explains what had happened. Layla takes the bike away from Barnaby and asks if they are all ready to fight. They debate readiness for a bit and Robert considers making acid from battery. Janet then asks if she can go and leaves. Layla asks who is ready and Imogen tells Barnaby to go with Layla while she and Robert try to reach a solution to stop the Golem. Well, they try to go back to the school. They get a short distance and Imogen’s pains from the golem smashing into her catches up with her as the adrenaline wears off.

Layla races on the bike to the museum and sees Dr. Zeit who mumbles a few words and collapses. They want to help but can’t looking around the building they see a large 9 foot hole in the building. They elect to pursue the golem through some dense vegetation towards Little Rosewater. Dumping off the bike they both continue to follow the Golem’s trail of destruction. They finally catch up to it. Layla calls out to it and it confronts them. Enter initiative.

Layla jumps up and kicks it in the groin. The Golem takes some steps back and a small crack appears in its groin. Barnaby tries to draw the mag rifle and fire but misses. The golem engages Layla and tries to smash her with its arm. It hits Layla hard and smashes her into the ground causing big damage. Layla recovers and goes for a double groin punch. She drives her fists into the golem’s groin and it does negligble damage and makes her knuckles bleed. Barnaby drops the railgun and summons his strength and tackles the golem into a ditch in an impressive display. The golem gets up and swings at Barnaby taking up a chunk of the ditch it was tackled into. Layla jumps into the ditch and sweep kicks it back over. Barnaby tries to pin it in the mud with a wrestling hold. The golem slams its head into Barnaby and then stands back up. Layla sweeps its legs again and knocks it down almost pinning Barnaby underneath. Layla then runs over and picks up the gun. Barnaby, in a moment of insanity, tries to headbutt the golem to no effect. He gets up groggily and stumbles off to the side of the field. The golem gets up and swings twice at Barnaby. A stumble makes the first shot miss and a timely sheep running out of its pen intercepts the Golem’s fist and splatters against Barnaby. Layla aims and fires the railgun and hits but is barely cracked. Barnaby tries to run over to the broken stone wall. The golem goes over and clotheslines Layla and tries to kick but misses. Layla lobs a large rock at it and smashes it sending it back a few steps. The golem tries to tackle Layla and misses but gets hit by a kick. Exit initiative. (Layla’s Nut-shot counter: 10)

Layla tells Barnaby they need to run and she elects to try and delay it from its course. She manages to buy about half an hour.

Robert and Imogen get back to the museum and enter into the study room where the statue was. They try to find a phone to call an ambulance for Dr. Zeit but can’t seem to find one. Imogen tries to find references in the tablet about infidels or any specific way to turn it off. Imogen goes over the tablets and sees the statue is a Golem and it will obey the words given to it. She gets something about the words given unto the mouth of the avatar. Robert gets on the computer at the museum to search for their information on the golem. He finds out that “words are placed in the mouth” and that there is an inscription to make it open its mouth on the individual golem. He can’t figure out how to do it though. They decide to go after it and remove all references to Thom Huell. Looking at the tablets Imogen finds out that she can make a specific offering to make it open its mouth and that the words she spoke was the activation phrase. Robert finds an inscribed runic sword that can be put in its back. After searching Robert finds a rune inscribed bronze plate and Imogen writes the cuneiform for “sleep” on the plate. They go to find Layla and Barnaby.

Layla and Barnaby are exhausted from trying to distract the golem and lie down to catch their breath. The golem has given up trying to catch them and turned to the school. Later they find the field with the stone wall and the splattered sheep. They see in the distance the golem and run into Layla and Barnaby. They explain that the bronze plate goes into its back and then put the instructions in its mouth. Layla takes the plate and runs to the golem. She rushes up jumps onto the golem’s back. It tries to shake her off but she manages to jam the plate into its back. The golem seizes up and opens its mouth while trying to fling Layla off its back. Robert asks Imogen to make multiple and grabs the paper from her then turns it into a paper airplane. He throws it and manages to land it in the back of its mouth. The golem struggles around as the new orders causes it to have a conflict in its brain about what orders to follow. Barnaby watches on with amazement and sees two other bits of parchment in its mouth. Barnaby reaches into its mouth and the golem tries to stop it. The hand stops inches from his face as he pulls out the other pieces of paper. Exit initiative.

Looking at the paper it’s written in old english. It mentions killing the disciples of Thom Huell and mentions that they should be killed by beheading or staking through the heart. It seems that their school’s namesake was connected with Vampires somehow. Barnaby then asks if they could program the golem and the group debate about what to do about it. They think about stashing it in the basement and order it to follow them. They then decide to make it obey them and try to instruct it to wave its hand. It doesn’t respond and they try to program the laws of robotics into it. After trying and failing to work the golem with different commands Layla makes it go back to the museum. Then gets up and charges back to the museum and shuts down. Suddenly a bush behind them ignites and Imogen demands Barnaby’s phone to call an ambulance for Dr. Zeit. They walk back to the museum and notice the motorbike crushed under the golem’s feet. They then see Barnaby quite distraught and suddenly the fuel sparks causing a fire. The group runs away as the bike explodes in flames…..

### Next time on Layla the Vampire Slayer…

*A hospital ward, little incubators, row upon row. A fire rages in the distance. Babies crying as they are snatched up one by one by wicked claws….*

## Notes

Hero Sheep was retconned into surviving its heroic defence of Barnaby against the Golem due to the employment of a chat drama point.