Who Done Did It?

**Who Done Did It?** is the eighth episode of season four of *The Cleveland Show*. It is the eighty sixth episode, overall.

full transcript

My name is Cleveland BrownAnd I am proud to beRight back in my hometownWith my new familyThere's old friendsand new friendsAnd even a bearThrough good timesand bad timesIt's true love we shareAnd so I found a placeWhere everyone will knowMy happy mustached faceThis is The Cleveland Show.Original Air Date on April 7, 2013Good Clevening.Tonight's episode is a mystery,so pay attention.Even if things appearto be slow and unfunny,they may be important later.Wow, there area lot of people hereI don't want to talk to.Hey, Gus.What are you auctioning?Copies of my newexercise video.Oh.Run faster.You don't want me to catch you.Hmm.Hey, there go that guyCleveland's mamago with sometimes.Hey, Grandpa.Why are you pretendingto be famous mystery novelist,Jocelyn Elderwood?I ain't pretending.I am Jocelyn Elderwood.It's my nom de plume.Gay.You ever see a man read a book?And women only like buying bookswritten by women.So, you want to bidto get a master classin mystery novel writing?Yes!Or do I?Ah, man,I didn't bring my wallet.There's no room in my pockets'cause they'reall filled with my \*\*\*.That's all right, Junior,I got this.You got any hard candiesin your work purse,Grandpa Freight Train?Stay out of there.I got my new mystery novel bookin there.Ask Not What Your CountryCan Do For You.Ask What You Can DoFor Your \*\*\*.That's a little cumbersome.So are you.What's yourhighest bid, Donna?I forget, whatis less than zero?Your IQ-- boom!And don't nobody needno closet organized.I know black people just throwtheir clothes onto the floor,but some people preferto use hangers.Closet organizing.Oh, my God, Donna,you can finally getall your clothes off the floor.Look, Lloyd,you love closets.I do.\*\*\*.$300?$400.Hello, Fern.$2,000.What are you gonna do, Fern?Take it.Well, don't forget, at my tableI will be auctioning offa dish I made usinga special jasmine peanut oilI got in India when I waspicking out my foster children--my homemade peanut brittle.Get that away from me.I am deathlyallergic to peanuts.I would think someonewith your fat, squirrel cheekswould love nuts.It was funny.$2,000.You know how many recordersI can buy with that?All of them,for they are cheap like you.Boom.Aah, not the nips!I can't believe Arianna wouldembarrass me at a function--the most importantthing for a woman.Poor Donna.I wish there was somethingpointless I could do for her.Maybe there is.Ah, what would be the point?I got it.Hey, Rock Hudson,you want to go for a walk, huh?You know what?I'm gonna pee in the yard, too.No one humiliates my wifeexcept meand herselfand sometimes her children.Take this, Arianna.Someone threw eggsat Arianna's house?Well, I am glad somebodygot that uppity-\*\*\* bear.She think she people.Yeah, somebody.Mr.Brown, did you havesomething to do with this?Who, me?Couldn't be.Now, as a strong,confident woman,I certainly don't need aman defending my honor,but when it happens, I can'thelp but take my bra off.Mm.Kids, don't comein here!You know, Wally has been veryrude to me this week at work.Told me I hadgross knuckles.Well, maybe Wally's goingto have a little egg-cident.Ooh, you're gettingme all egg-cited.Let me dothe jokes, woman.Sorry, egg,at least you got laid once.Donna would have butchered that.Well, I guess the yolk's on me.Ha!Now, mysteryis "MyStory."Oh!Boom!Now, every mystery's gotthree pieces: the "huh,"the "aha," and the"Dun-dun-dun."Now, if you'll excuse me,Jocelyn Elderwood's gotto take aNumber two.That's a "wordsmiff"right there.Cleveland,guess what happenedat the grocery store.They didn't charge youfor the soda you "forgot"on the bottomof the cart?Nah, they noticed itthis time,but Lydia Waterman tookmy parking space.Bushy.Look at me, crawling alonglike a little worm.I were a worm, I'd liketo be called William or Scooter.Scooter Worm, Scooter Worm.Aw, now I'm all dirty.Garafalo!Oh, my God.Lydia.She's dead.Donna, I have somethingto tell you.Well, I have somethingto tell you.Let's say it at the same time.This lingerie is reversible.I killed Lydia Waterman.What?!What's on the other side?!Leopard!You killed Lydia Waterman?!Yes!With more news on the \*\*\*,here's Larvell.Thanks, bro.Um, so, this is,like, really wild.So the detectivesare now sayingthat some guyallegedly chucked a eggthat hit Lydia Watermanupside her head,and that's what murdered herinto her soup.Thanks, Larvell.Oh, my God.You must have takenthe hard-boiled eggsfrom the top shelf.That's why it sailedlike a brick.Donna, you numskull.I've told you a thousand timesthat hard-boiled eggs belongin the crisper.The crisper's fullof brown lettuce.Well, there's bloodon both our hands,both of ea-eachof ours's hands.Four bloody hands total.You're right,what are we going to do?Think, Donna, think.It's curtains for us.I'm calling the police.You ain't calling.We could just disappear,buy a submarine.World's 80% water.Give Roberta some money, shecould take care of the kids.The kids can come with us.We'll send them to theUniversity of Atlantis.No, you know what?We do nothing.Just act normal--business as usual, okay?Got you, biz as "youge."Guess I won't be needing this,and I better cancelthe admissions interview.Ahp, wrong number.Act normal.Just another day at the office.Waterman's Wife.Murderer Brown speaking.I mean, Waterman Cable.Cleveland Murderer speaking.Hey, Cleveland, did youhear about Waterman's?All right, you got me, Aaron,I killed Lydia Waterman.I did it!Do you hear me, everyone?!I killed herand I peed in the yard!Ew, Cleveland peedin the yard.All right, here's a mysterywhere the twist is,you know everything--who did it,how they did it, and why.You just don't knowthe characters' names.Let me guess, the killer's nameturns out to be Elliot.No, it was Elli-- oh.Man, this is hard.No wonder all writerskill themselves.How did you comeup with the ideafor your new book?Keep your handsto yourself.This ain'tyour ding-a-ling.I guess we're notin the shower.No, no, i-i-it's stilla work in progress.These pages are all blank.Dun-dun-dun.There's your "dun-dun-dun"moment.I got stuckon the dedication.I got nothing left.Looks like it's all overfor Jocelyn Elderwood.You paidfor a master class,but all you got isfront-row seatsto the death of an old man'sfemale persona.I would not havebid on that.That was Len Steinthe Jewish lawyer.The good news is, no morebedtimes around here.Cleveland was the only oneenforcing that stupid rule.The bad news is, he'll probablybe in jail for 14 yearsif he behaves himself.And you know he won't.Cleveland didn't kill no one.I heard what happened,and Cleveland's a lot of things:a goof, a sap, awienie, a dork,a dill weed, and aworthless fat-\*\*\*,but he ain'tno killer.Well, how do you know?I don't, but Jocelyn Elderwoodhas a hunch,and a lady's intuitionis always right.You know, sometimes, Grandpa,I wish we could just play catch.No time for catch.Cracking this case will putJocelyn Elderwood backon top of the Amazonself-publish list.And I'm gonna need my twostar pupils to help me.We're his star pupils!Oof, oof,oof, oof!To prove Cleveland's innocent,we're gonna have to prove--and follow me here--he didn't do it.Cleveland can onlythrow 30 miles per hourbecause he haswhat I call "wuss arm."To simulate his throw,I'm gonna throw this eggleft-handed at Kendra.I was told there'd be soup.Still alive.See? Cleveland couldn'thave killed her.Thanks, Kendra.No problemo.Thanks for the egg, dude.She eating the shell.She don't care.So if Dad didn'tkill her, who did?We'll find out at the morguewhen we talk to Lydia.Because corpses talk the loudest.Ooh, get that down--I can end a scene on that.As long as no one saysanything else after it.Howzit, brah?Wait, where doI know you from?Oh-ho-ho, I wason your jury.Ah, slept throughthe first half of that trial,but when I woke up, I wanted toprove I was paying attention.Might as well convict somebody.Persuaded every lastone of them.Wow, that was 19 years ago.Man, you have missed a lot.Gilmore Girls got cancelled.There was a show calledthe Gilmore Girls.What, do you collect Vaseline?Oh.The gentleman in my cellis not a good person.If it wasn't for the kindnessof the Aryans,I don't know what I'd do.They're a godsend.Them and your love.I don't tell you thisoften enough, Donna,but you are a beautiful womanand a wonderful wife.What?Help, Donna!The mammaries--let me see the mammaries!Damn!Check out the \*\*\*on that ladybug.Oh, yeah.Interesting.Here it is--Lydia Waterman, D.F.E."Death From Egg."Boy, a lot can go wrongin life, huh?Lydia was a dearfriend of mine.Could I see the body?Absolutely not.Whoops.My distressed-suedeankle boots.All right, that's howchapter nine ends.Now for chapter ten,"The Morgue, the Merrier."Nice.Now, let's creep.Mmm, oh, good,it's P, B and J.I was worried thatthe "J" might be blood.And yet youtook the chance.Aah! Death!Quiet, Rallo,her soul is sleeping.There isa small bumpwhere the egg hit her.But look at all thisskin irritation.Just as I thought--her throat's swollen shutfrom anaphylactic shock.She died of an allergic reactionto something in the soupshe was eating beforethe egg even hit her.Bleh.He gets all the ladies.Junior, let your grandpablow into your mouth.Oh, he's that kind of grandpa.I need Junior's super palateto place this flavor.Okay, justdon't goose me.Oh.Jasmine peanut oil from India.How are we supposed to figureout who has jasmine peanut oil?I know!Fern Stapleton.She had that bland peanutbrittle at the silent auction.All right, let's go kick downthe \*\*\*'s door.Just what in the heckdo you guys think you're doing?We found tracesof your jasmine peanut oilin Lydia Waterman'sdead mouth.She told you she was allergic,and you poisoned her anyway!On purpose!You make us sick!Now, show usthe peanut oil!That is high hogwash!Besides, I was in Mud Fallsthe night Lydia died,visiting my \*\*\* sister,Nancy Jean.If I was gonna killanybody, I'd kill her.I'd kill to havea pantry like this.It's very handy.That's weird.It's almost empty.Okay, there are prints on here,but mostly mine.Should've used gloves.Are these footprintsa clue?Somebody broke in!Smash-and-grab--classic Chris Brown.I thought about that.But this was a window,not a lady's face.Hey,these footprints arefrom Skechers Shape-Ups.Fern's off the hook--these are too big to belady footprints.But what guy wouldwear Shape-Ups?Lloyd Watermanwears Shape-Ups!And I reallyshould, too.So, how long youbeen playing the harp?I'm very sorryfor your loss.Your wife left abeautiful corpse.Thank you, Mr.Coroner.Why did I knockthat door down?I don't know.Who really killed this woman?I do know.They're not doing it.Settle down, people.Lydia wasn't killed by an egg.She was poisonedby her husband.There it is.That's preposterous!I didn't kill my wife!I loved herand everything aboutour heterosexual intercourse.Look! He's wearing Shape-Ups!He left Shape-Up footprintsin Fern Stapleton's housewhen he broke into steal her peanut oil,which he usedto poison-kill Lydia!Those could have beenanyone's Shape-Up prints.Besides, I'm as allergicto peanuts as Lydia.It's what firstbrought us together.I can't even bein the same room with peanuts.So it couldn't have been me.It's the truth--it was a D.F.E.A Death From Elephant?Egg.Good guess, though.Okay, well, then this jasminepeanut oil should kill you!Ugh, I am melting!OohOh, no!He's having a deathlyallergic reaction!Idiot!You've killed him!Did Lydia ever get hercloset organized?Someone call an ambulance!He's dying!This is why my booksdon't sell very well.I can't believewe pulled it off!Here.Take us to the airport.We're going whereverTommy Bahama is from.Now we can be gaybostogether forever!What a neat idea it wasto kill my wife.Boom! Yougoin' to jail!What's going on here?Did you get it?What a neat idea it wasto kill my wife.It's all over, Mr.Peanut Oil.So, what tipped you off?That's not a rashon your neck.Those are hickeys.If there's one thingI know, it's hickeys.Ain't that right, Cookie?You doknow a hickey.And when your"little buddy" gave you CPR,I figured that'swhat he was doing--make it look like you hadan allergic reaction.I could go for ahickey right now!Shut up, Cookie!I noticed the hickeys,then I rememberedat the morgue,Mr.Coroner herewas wearing distressed-suede ankle boots.Awful expensive shoeson a coroner's salary.Lot of footwear-relatedclues in this mystery.And earlier todaywhen we first met him,he was eating a peanutbutter sandwich.I know, because I had some.You son of a \*\*\*!When he wasgiving you CPR,he would've got peanutresidue in your mouth,peanuts you supposedly can'tbe in the same room with!Oh.There isjust one more thing.How did you get the oilinto her soup?A spoon.And, boys, there'sthe title of our book:Waiter,There's a \*\*\* in My Soup.Thus ends yourmaster class.Oh!Yes! Yes! Yes!What a night it's been!Who done it?You done it, Freight Train,once again.Well, you know what?I had some help with this one.Rallo, Cleveland Jr.and real-life events whichled to the false imprisonmentof my son Cleveland.Where is Cleveland?Still in jail!Now, that's somethingI should've noticed.I see trees of greenRed roses, tooI see 'em bloomFor me and youAnd I think to myselfWhat a wonderful worldDaddy! Daddy!First of all,you look really pretty.Second of all,you're free!I'm, uhnever gonna be the same