Jeff's Big Book Of Super Fantastic True Chronicles of Truth That Are Absolutely True

Jeff has written many stories in his Big Book of Truth and reads them in the first part of Level 2 to the four remaining kids while a short animated video plays on the screen (or, in Season 1, a slideshow). Afterwards, he asks them one of two different types of questions. Either they are questioned on the stuff that happened in the story, or have to list off specific parts of the story (i.e. locations, foods, occupations, etc.)

# Road Trip Landmarks

Nothing says summer like road trip. After saying hasta la vista to the **Pacific Ocean**, my buddy and I hit the road. We stopped to see Mr. **T-Rex** and then it was off to see Mother Nature's sandbox, the **Desert**. We passed the world's biggest **Thermometer** and spent the night in **Las Vegas** which is Spanish for "Ginormous Electric Bill". After a detour to visit my cousin and her friend at **Area 51**, I took a tour of the **Hoover Dam** which was originally designed to be a skate park. I totally looked that up. Then, it was off to the most photographed hole in the Earth, The **Grand Canyon**. Even more impressive were the huge buffalo burgers in the restaurant in a **Teepee**. We took a wrong turn around The **Rocky Mountains** and almost missed the world's biggest **Ball Of Twine**. Up next was Nebraska's **Carhenge** (it's an ancient Indian burial ground for cars). We headed north to **Mount Rushmore** to see Sal, Cletus, Klebel, and, um, that guy with the glasses. And, of course, in Minnesota, there's **Paul Bunyan** and his big blue ox, **Babe**. We saw the **Gateway Arch** in St. Louis (great place for a tire swing), The **Liberty Bell** in Philadelphia, the **White House** in Washington D.C, the **Empire State Building** in New York City, and lastly, we visited the most famous lady of them all: the **Statue of Liberty**. And you guys thought I was going to say Beyoncé, didn't you?

# Undie Jones

Last night, I paid $10 to see this really lame action movie. It was about a dentist/adventurer who wore a felt hat & a leather jacket & for some reason, a pair of boxers over his jeans. So they called him "Undie Jones". Undie & his young sidekick Mutthead were in Egypt to find the mummy flatulent pharaoh of King Toot. They were being chased by an army of ninjas who followed them across the desert on camels wearing roller skates. Eventually, Undie & Mutthead located King Toot's pyramid using a map they found in the book, Mummies For Dummies. They entered the passageway filled with blood-sucking snails (why does it always have to be snails?) & acrobatic bats. A stone door opened revealing Toot's treasure including the pharaoh mummies' shark of the covenant, Cleopatra's crystal cellphone, you know the king with hieroglyphic text messaging? Suddenly, a ninja wielding a pair of nunchucks entered the tomb. Just then, King Toot's mummy let rip a 3,000 year old fart so powerful, even the Sphinx could smell the stink. The fart made the pyramid collapse, but our heroes escaped just in the nick of time.

# Halloween Costumes That Jeff Saw

I love Halloween. I enjoy handing out treats just as much as I enjoy the tricks & this year, I took some pictures. Of course, real early on you get the young kids. First of the door was a **Fairy**, followed by a **Dinosaur** (I think it was a Tourekkavarakasaurus), & a **Bunny.** Then, there were the two sisters dressed up as a **Flower** & a **Bee** (unfortunately, I have pollen allergies & I'm afraid of bees, so I sent them on their way.) The next wave of kids included a **Fireman**, a **Ballerina** & a **Gladiator** (the aluminum foil is to keep the costume nice & fresh). The twins next door showed up as a **Horse** again & poor Becky is always the back end. As the night wore on, the teens showed up dressed as a **Witch**, a **Rooster** & a **Cheerleader** & after that, things got a little weird. We had an **Astronaut,** a **Viking** & a **Sumo Wrestler** & I'm not convinced that those were costumes. Even weirder was the giant **Carrot**, a crazy **Computer**, & the world's biggest **Ear**. Now around 10pm, The **Invisible Man** showed up (I think). And my final visitor was a **Cow** wearing a cowboy hat & he was obviously in a giving mood because he left a giant treat on my front lawn.

# Teenzan

My childhood was pretty normal. Like most kids, my parents took me to a safari in Africa when I was just 5 months old. Early on in the trip, a ferocious lion snatched me out of our vehicle. Before he could snack on me, a gorilla named Kerchoo swooped down and rescued me. He raised me as his son for the next 14 years, plus taught me how to swing on vines while giving the old jungle yell (Jeff imitating the Tarzan yell), (coughs), something like that, and showed me how to tie a boa constrictor into a knot. I was known as Teenzan, prince of the jungle. One day, I was wrestling a hyena who had laughed at me when my parents finally found me. They took me to their home in Cedar Rapids, Iowa and enrolled me in high school. And that my friends is where the trouble began. At the big basketball game, I gave a cheer so loud that I knocked half a dozen kids out of the bleachers. Then I showed Jane, the head cheerleader, that I liked her (I searched for bugs in her hair). Finally, I battled a threatening looking panda wearing tennis shoes. And just as the coach was about to kick me out, a tiger that escaped from the zoo entered the gym (my instincts kicked in). I swung on some climbing ropes, jumped down on the tiger, giving him a big slam dunk, thus saving Jane and winning the game by 2 points.

# A Day At Pirate School

I always wanted to be a pirate when I grew up, so that's why I enrolled in Longhand Silver's Pirate School. Principal Peg Leg said I had to buy a backpack because some guy named Davy Jones had dibs on all the lockers. I needed a compass to find my way to gym class, where we juggled real cannonballs. When I pretended my jockstrap was an eye patch, everyone laughed. Unfortunately, Coach Scallywag didn't think it was so "yo-ho-ho", so he made me walk the plank. Up next was arrrt. I painted a treasure map of an island shaped like somebody's butt, and I entitled it "Pirate's Booty". My teacher gave me a "D" because I used a "C" to mark the spot instead of an "X." Letters have never been my strong suit. The school cafeteria was below the poop deck, which is never a good sign. The daily special was skull soup, but I opted for the crossbones burger. After lunch, I had swashbuckling 101, But unfortunately, I cut the rope I was swinging on with my sword. My final class was beard-trimming for beginners, but Miss Swann told me to come back when I grew one. Just then, a noisy parrot sitting behind me shouted, "Get lost!". The teacher thought I was mouthing off, and I had to swab the deck after school.

# Around The World In 80 Seconds

I shot lots of pictures of my recent vacation, so you guys could experience my trip around the world in 80 seconds. After saying goodbye to the **Hollywood Sign**, I headed to the airport. 24 hours later, I was in England where I saw **Big Ben** (even the little hand is big). The **Buckingham Palace** (I don't think that's his real hair) and **Stonehenge** (I don't quite get modern architecture). Then it was off to Paris where I got an eyeful view of the **Eiffel Tower**, made **Mona Lisa** smile and searched for the hunchback of **Notre Dame**. In Italy, I visited the **Leaning Tower of Pisa**, the **Canals** of Venice and **The Statue of David**. Plus, the Roman **Colosseum** (true story, site of the very first Super Bowl). I skateboarded through Germany's **Brandenburg Gate**, snowboarded into **Swiss Alps** and took a spin on a **Windmill** in Holland. The **Acropolis** in Greece needed an extreme makeover, The **Taj Mahal** in India made me crave for ice cream and Russia's **Kremlin** looked like a crazy theme park. I visited The **Great Wall of China** which was built to keep the pandas from getting out, and then this **Volcano** in Hawaii was perfect for roasting marshmallows. When I finally saw the **Golden Gate Bridge**, I knew I was home which was good, because I was totally out of clean underwear.

# Jeff's Jobs Before Brainsurge

I didn't become the host of Brainsurge overnight, it's taken years of training to get here. I started off as a **Busboy** (nope, no actual buses involved), a **Batboy** (which has nothing to do with being a superhero) and a **Newspaper Boy**. Eventually, I graduated to jobs with "man" in the title like **Handyman** and **Mailman** and even, a **Weatherman**. I worked as a **House Painter** (some people just don't appreciate fine art), I was a **Pet Therapist** for a while and on the weekends, I worked as a **Wedding Singer** (my specialty was yo yo yo yo yo yodeling). I even landed a job as an **Underwear Model**, but they only let me model the Long-Johns. And then there were the really odd jobs: I was a **Duck Walker**, a **Golf Ball Diver** (you hit em in the water, I'll fish em out) and a **Fortune Cookie Writer** (you're really gonna get writer's cramp with that one). I was even a **Baby Carriage Tester**. My least favorite jobs were **Professional Snake Wrangler**, a **Knife Thrower's Assistant** and **Bad Breath Sniffer** (why do people eat so much garlic?). My strangest jobs of all where the **Balloon Animal Trainer** and **Spelling Bee Keeper**. After all that, I had the perfect resume of becoming a **Game Show Host**.

# Prehistoric Adventure

Lots of people have crazy next-door neighbors. But my neighbor, Doc Quackensack is a mad scientist. I was visiting doc in his lab the other day & I stepped into his bathroom. Unfortunately for me, Doc had turned his bathroom toilet into a time machine. Just one flush & a whoosh & I was hurled back in time. A moment later, I was face-to-face with a saber-toothed tiger. Luckily, I was saved by a blue haired caveman who whacked the big cat on the butt with his club. He lifted me onto his purple Woolly Mammoth & took me on a journey past a slimy swamp & an active volcano to his cave. The place smelled like prehistoric farts. So I looked to open a window but, hey; It's a cave, am I right? That night the caveman presented me with a necklace made of rats' teeth & petrified bat dung (Uggh!). When I left the cave the next morning, I found myself nose-to-nose with a striped Triceratops & a green-spotted Stegosaurus. I grabbed on to a nearby orange Pterodactyl, who took me across the countryside & set me down on a plain near my time-traveling toilet. A hungry 2 headed Tyrannosaurus was headed my way, so I flopped down on the seat & whoosh! I was back to the present with a flush.

# The 4th Of July Parade

I love the 4th of July, but with all the **Fireworks** and waving of the **Flags**. But my favorite memories are of my hometown parade. Sure we had the **Marching Band** lead by Poopy McGroupal and a **Baton Twirler**. Then there was the barefoot **Juggler** and his big brother the **Stilt Walker**, a **Unicyclist** (who also was the mayor) and 7 **Motorcyclists** on 1 bike (now that's a way to save some gas). And no parade is complete without a **Horse** followed naturally by a **Street Sweeper**. One year, we had a **Leprechaun**, and an **Easter Bunny** and **Santa Claus** (I guessed they didn't check the calendar). But what made our parade really unique was the hula-hooping **Waitress**, the brigade of **Babies** and the synchronized **Mall Cops** (our town didn't even have a mall). And you had to be a local to appreciate the significance of marching **Soccer Balls**, the Salute to **Cheese** and a parade of **Porta-Potties**. The festivities always ended with the skateboarding riding **Skunks**; They really knew how to clear a crowd.

# All The Famous People That Jeff Met

My friend, Doc Quackensack gave me a time-traveling watch and ever since then, I was zipping through history. I'm serious, take a look at these pictures. I played marco polo with **Marco Polo**, suggested a few rewrites to **William Shakespeare**, assisted **Ben Franklin** with an experiment, played telephone tag with **Alexander Graham Bell**, taught **Pocahontas** how to skateboard, pitched the old Sutphen Sidewinder to **Jackie Robinson**, took a short flight with the **Wright Brothers**, went horseback riding with **Joan Of Arc**, played video games with **Abraham Lincoln**, did some modeling for **Leonardo Da Vinci**, went rafting with **Mark Twain**, invented a salad with **Julius Caesar**, shared my bright ideas with **Thomas Edison**, played some hoops with **Christopher Columbus**, gave my military pointers to **Napoleon**, danced like an Egyptian with **Cleopatra**, taught **Albert Einstein** how to juggle, hung out with **Harry Houdini**, talked **Vincent Van Gogh**'s ear off and took a boat ride with **George Washington** (I think we're gonna need a bigger boat).

# Animals At The Fashion Show

If there's one thing I love more than fashion, it's animals, so you can imagine how amped I was when these 2 worlds collided at the first ever animal fashion show. The fierce casual wear included a **Hawk** in a hoodie, a **Coyote** in cutoffs, a **Kangaroo** in a jumper and a **Snake** wearing a roller shoe. The **Baboon**'s backwards baseball cap was so 5 innings ago, and the **Hippo** was a hot mess in hip huggers that were just too hippie. The **Catfish** strode the catwalk in a tank top that was way too old-school, but the **Shark**'s new grill was killer. Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes were rumored to be there, but it turns out it was a *different* **Tomcat**. The **Black Lab** wowed in her little black dress (Black is the new black, apparently), and the **Horse**'s designer horseshoes were bedazzling. But some of the outfits seemed a little redundant: A **Penguin** in a tux, a **Zebra** in a striped suit, a **Leopard** in leopard print, and a **Cow** in a muumuu. I mean, people were up in arms that the **Fox** was wearing fur (turns out, it was her own). The **Giraffe** overdid it with the bling, the **Bear** went too literal with the beehive hairdo, and the **Oyster** was understated with just one pearl. The biggest fashion disaster: The **Elephant**'s hideous hat (Talk about an elephant in the room).

# Forms of Transportation

You wouldn't believe the trouble I had getting here today, my car broke down as soon as I pulled out of the driveway. So, I borrowed my neighbor's **Motorcycle**, popped a wheelie and I was on my way. Unfortunately, I ran out of gas a mile later, so I hailed a **Taxicab** & told the guy "Take me to Brainsurge!", then I nodded off. I guess he thought I said Branson because when I awoke I was halfway to Missouri. I hitched a ride on a **Tractor**, then rented a **Horse And Buggy**. Crossing the desert was a real treat. I rode a **Mobility Scooter**, & a **Unicycle**, & even a **Tricycle**. I eventually traded the trike in for a **Jet Pack** because come on, that's how I roll. The **Jet Ski** got me across the Colorado River to the Vegas airport. I asked for the next shuttle to Los Angeles, but somehow I ended up in the next **Space Shuttle**. After landing in Florida, I took a **Rowboat** out to a **Submarine** and hitched a ride to Texas courtesy of the U.S Navy. Then I made my way home using a combination of **Rickshaw** and **Stilts** (great for height, not for speed), & a **Hovercraft** (which is great for lakes, but not for highways), **Cross-Country** **Skis** and a **Dog Sled** (these are my new Bffs, by the way). Always a believer in making a splashy entrance, I took a **Blimp** into Hollywood & shared a tandem **Skydive** with my friend into the studio lot. And thanks to prevailing winds & some time zone changes, I made it here just in time.

# Jeff's Musical Instruments

Some people have called me a one-man band. Check out some of the instruments I mastered over the years. I played the **Trombone** in high school, but kept knocking off the drum major's hat. So I switched to the **Cymbals** and that wasn't much better. I tried playing the **Harmonica**, but I got it stuck in my braces. So I picked up the **Violin** and played in the subways where folks gave me lots of money (mostly for violin lessons). I played the **Triangle** in the symphony, but that was way too demanding. So I learned to play the **Cello** with a saw, but I broke too many strings, I used to play my **Bagpipes** at sunrise but it turns out the folks in my apartment building weren't "morning" people. I thrashed a **Guitar** in a group called Jeff & The Jeffhonics, but my bandmates and I had creative differences, I took requests as a **Piano** player in the hotel lobby, but most people requested that I take a break, and I got busy on the **Turntables** as DJ Jeffy Jeff (P.S I'm available for parties). Playing the **Ukulele** was easy; Getting this buff, not so much. And blowing the **Ram's Horn** just got me a headbutt. I played the **Flute** as a snake charmer, but the cobra had absolutely no rhythm, and the **Trumpet** in a Mariachi Group. I was known as El Jefe. Like I said, I'm a regular one-man band.

# The Creepy Town Of Sporks

Moving to a new town is tough, especially when the town is known as Sporks, Washington (the only city whose population declines daily). On my first day at Full Moon High, I met a girl named "Edweena" in math class who was literally bat crazy. Zabrina in my English class had a black cat, a cauldron handbag and calls her dictionary "My spell book". And in the bus line, Jacoba kept checking her almanac for full moons. Suddenly, a runaway burger mobile came careening towards us. Edweena leapt out of nowhere and stopped it cold. The sight of the big hamburger made her ill. But as she left, she burped longly in my direction. As I walked to Edweena's house that night to thank her, I felt an ache inside: Was it because of her or mom's tuna casserole? When I spotted Edweena in her garden sucking the juice out of a tomato, it hit me: She's a vegetarian vampire! Without warning, I was attacked by her ex-boyfriend, Zacula. But then, Zabrina appeared and whacked him with her broom while a wolf with Jacoba's haircut nipped at him until he fled. The next day in the cafeteria, I was faced with a choice more daunting than sloppy joes or mystery meat: Which bewitching girl should I ask to the prom? That's when I decided that they were all too weird, so I asked Francine instead. The prom was held in Creepy Cullen's Cemetery, but I had fun dancing with Francine... until I noticed the bolts in her neck.

# Harry Porker

Poor Harry Porker knew that he was unlike his other relatives, so he squealed in delight when a giant crimson pig named Hog Red appeared at his door and announced that he'd been accepted to Pig Wizardry School. Harry stepped into Hog Red's boat and they flew off to Wart Hog's School of Pigcraft. Harry was accepted into Snyffindor; the school's best pigpen. He and his penmate, Ron Squealsey spent the nights making potions out of mud. During the day, he and Herswiney practiced spells that turned garbage into food (which isn't too hard if you're a pig). One day, Harry competed in a Pigwich match and successfully captured the Golden Snout. But the school's bully, Bacon Malfry, accused Harry of cheating and challenged him to a spell off at the Forbidden Farm. Sensing a trap, Harry rolled in the Mud of Invisibility beforehand, but Bacon smelled Harry as he approached and washed the magic mud away with a bucket of slop. Beside Bacon stood the evil Lord Voldesnort. He and Harry drew their wands at the same time, but Voldersnort's spell was more powerful. Luckily, the headmaster, Professor Bumbleboar had followed Harry and they combined their powers to turn Voldersnort into a smoked ham.

# The Lone Jeff & The Lame Brothers

One day, I took my horse Wackadoodle out of the garage for a spin. One cantor, gallop and wrong turn later I found myself in the town of Deadhead where the town folk were all in a panic. The blacksmith mistook me for the sheriff, Wyatt Burp, probably because of my cowboy outfit and the gold badge (Oh, did I fail to mention those before?). He begged me to do something about the monkeys that escaped from Buffalo Biff's Traveling Circus. That's when I noticed all the folks slipping on banana peels. I entered the juice bar and found chandelier swinging chimps loopy on banana smoothies. Soon, the streets were overrun by monkeys riding dogs and wrangling cats. I knew this was the dirty work of Mad Mug McGee. I found Mad Mug and his lame brothers Frank and Messy hold up in the old Deadwood Hotel. I said, "There isn't room in this town for men & monkeys!", but my please fell on dead ears. We met the next day at high noon and counted to 13 and then *BAM!!!* We were mono-a-mono in a double Dutch showdown. Just then, Mad Mug dropped a banana peel at my feet. As I went down, I yanked the jump rope sending the Lame Brothers into a head-on collision. I quickly hogtied Mad Mug and his men, saved the day and got the girl (Even though I had no idea who she was).

# Extreme Sports

I love extreme sports, but safety first. I always wear a second helmet to protect my first helmet when I go **Rollerblading**, I also use extra ropes when I go **Mountain Climbing** and when I'm **Surfing**, I put on my water wings. I'm such a thrill seeker, I even take regular sports to the max. For example, I compete in **Extreme Bowling** (with 50 pound balls), I play **Extreme Dodgeball** (with 50 balls) and I only enjoy **Extreme Miniature Golf** (of course using a real windmill). My friends are into **Paintball**, but I don't get the appeal, I also don't get **Fencing** (I think it's tiring), so I decided to make up my own extreme sports, like **Ice Skateboarding** and the surprisingly popular **Banjo Jumping** and of course, **Ski Diving**. My favorite extreme sport of all is **Brain Drain Bobsledding** (when it becomes an Olympic event, I'm poised to take the gold).

# Ice Cream Flavors

I love ice cream! In fact, I recently opened my own ice cream parlor "Jeff's Funky Flavors". Here's just a few of, how I say, "taste sensations?" I got **Slaw-Berry** (Who says coleslaw & ice cream don't go together?), I got **Cookies & Scream** (The taste that will scare you silly), **Smelly Vanilla** (New flavor, old tennis shoe smell), **Peppermint Lint** (From your dryer to your freezer), **Chunky Money** (It's really rich), **Rocky Toad** (For the people who love their ice cream warts & all), **Mustachio** (Let's "face" it, facial hair is chock full of protein), **Fish & Chips** (Don't forget the tartar sauce topping. It's fantastic!), **Bandana Split** (Neckerchiefs have never tasted so good), **Gutter Pecan** (Perfect for making muck pie), **Beaches & Cream** (It's got just the right amount of seaweed). And don't forget our celebrity flavors: We got **Britney Spearmint** (Oops, I ate it again!), **Shake-Kira** (It's hot & spicy), **Katy Berry** (It tastes both hot & cold), **Scoop Doggy Dogg** (Bling it on!). And of course, here's my Top 5 flavors: **Spitball Swirl** (It's like a class clown right in a cone), I got **Rainbow Your Butt** (It's bootylicious), **Chocolate Zit** (It's our new breakout flavor) and **Lime Slime** (It'll give you the Brainsurge freeze), **Buttersnot** (It's the one to pick).

# Town of Dumbalot

Once upon a time, there was a magical kingdom called "Dumbalot." It was guarded by the Knights Of The Wrong Table and they were so lame they couldn't remember who sat where. Even dumber was King Farthur who spent the day sitting on his not so royal throne. The court wizard; Moron the Magician was always turning Princesses into frogs leaving no suitable suitors for the poor princess, Gwyneth. One day, a dragon convinced the Dumbalot guard that he was a pizza delivery guy. After entering the castle he kidnapped the princess & then the king issued a proclamation: "Whomever pulls the lance from the log and rescues the princess will be crowned prince!". Then I, Jeffster the court jester, pulled it out one-handed. The knights all laughed because I didn't even have a horse, but what I did have was a 2 horned unicorn named, Corn Dog. I rode into the valley of the winged serpents and arrived at the dragon's lair. When he saw me, he laughed "That lance will make a perfect toothpick after I eat you!" Unfazed by a talking dragon, I used my lance to pole vault onto his neck. He flew in a corkscrew trying to shake me off, but I was well versed in dragon tickling and caused him to crash. I rescued the princess, got back the pizza money and became the prince.

# Secret Agent 0015 1/2 Spy Guy

In high school I was known as, Jeff the class clown, but on weekends I was secret agent 0015 1/2 Spy Guy. I was leaving school one day when my skateboard rang. According to my boss P, something was making everyone's text messages read backwards (!G-M-O). Racing home I was chased by some bad dudes on some BMX bikes. I activated my booger ejector and they were history. Lifting a secret map from one of them, I knew where I had to go. Making a quick change into my 3 piece wetsuit, I jumped on my turbo surfboard and I soon arrived at the island fortress cleverly disguised as a resort. After figuring out that "Yar Live" was "Evil Ray" backwards, I turned off the reverse right. Just then, that dreaded henchman, Big Burp, let out a supersonic belch that sent me flying. When I awoke I was hanging by an atomic wedgie in front of the evil mastermind, Dr. Disorder. He unveiled his newest weapon an army of super smart super bad Brainbots. Quickly thinking, I wrote an unanswerable question on the blackboard that gave the androids brain farts so big, their heads exploded. The chain reaction destroyed the fortress and I was headed home for dinner. Sweet!

# Slime Man

Did I mention that I was a high school superhero? It all began with a field trip to the GND (Gross National Defense). Their latest projects: A pimple projectile, a squid ink self-defense spray and a stink bomb made from cow farts. Dr. Grossman was showing us a slime like substance recently extracted from the Earth's core when the class bully, Larry Osbad shoved me and I ended up covered in slime. In the process Larry slipped and crashed (he looked like The Squid Kid). That afternoon, when my dog, Slobber tried to jump on me a stream of green gook squirted from my palm. We were both shocked. The next morning, I spotted a guy stealing a kid's bike. I shouted "Hold it, dude!" and SPLAT! He landed on his butt and I returned the bike. I was destined to fight crime with slime. The following day, Big Duane was stealing Sherman's lunch money when SPLASH! He was slimed by the crime fighting superhero, Slime Man. Hearing laughter, I turned to see Larry. The lab mishap had turned him into "The Squid Kid". He opened his mouth and spewed black ink all over me. Then he grabbed my girlfriend, Jane Mary and climbed atop the gym. He shouted "Enjoy the stink bomb, Slimey!" as he threw down at me. In a flash, I shot out a stream a slime that stopped the stink bomb in midair and sent it flying back into his big mouth. The Squid Kid went into a stink propelled orbit and Jane Mary fell into my open arms. My friends spent the afternoon partying in a fountain of slime, courtesy of Slime Man.

# Acts From The Talent Show

The talent show at my high school is always a big hit. Checkout the pictures from the yearbook. Logan's slam dunk would have been a little better without the ladder (**Freestyle Basketball Player**), and Ricardo's frog juggling routine was a real crowd-pleaser until the frog leapt into the crowd (**Juggler**). The best thing about the Taylor Triplett's swan lake was they brought their own lake (**Ballerinas**). However, Nicole's plate spinning routine didn't go over too well especially with her mom (**Plate Spinner**), and when do chicken crossing the road jokes get really lame? Answer: when Patrick tells 50 of them in a row (**Chicken Comedian**). Morgan's stunt gaming would have been a little bit more impressive if he had gotten a better score (**Stunt Gamer**), the Murphy Bros. synchronized sleeping was a bit of a yawn (**Synchronized Sleepers**), but Kyle's curtain climbing routine brought the house down. Well, at least the curtains (**Curtain Climber**). No one bought Sarah's hog-calling routine until all the hogs showed up (**Hog Caller**), and Mario's magic act killed when a rabbit pulled him out of a hat (**Magician**). But the biggest talent was yours truly playing "America The Beautiful" with my armpit. What can I say, I'm a patriotic guy (**Armpit Musician**).

# Birthday Gifts

They say it's the thought that counts. but when it comes to birthday gifts, my family should kept their thoughts to themselves. Here are some gifts I received over the years. A **Cockroach Farm** (I guess they moved out of the motel and bought the farm), A box of **Crayons** that had been broken then stapled back together, an **Oven Mitt** who no thumb (I smelled the nine cent store), A **Jar Of Farts** (I'm never pulling my uncle's finger again!), A **Boomerang** (and no matter how many times I try, I just cannot get rid of it). A **Miniature Sailboat** (and this is gonna go perfect with my miniature harbor), My cousin's old **Cheerleader Uniform** (and she's not even my size), and bless her heart my grandma, the most clueless of all when it comes to birthday gifts, she gave me a personalized **Teddy Bear** (she's been giving me this since I was 5), a 2003 **Groundhog Calendar** (and groundhogs freak me out), A **Sweater** (knit from my grandma's other sweaters and it smells like mothballs and bingo), then there are those gifts that you just know were on sale. Like a **Nose Warmer** (and this is great until you get a runny nose), a **Soup Spinner** (it's like a salad spinner only a lot messier), an **Ear Wax Cleaner** (I still have water in my ear from that one), and a **Beef Jerky Wallet** (and if it ever wears out I can always eat it). But this year my family finally gave me something really cool, my very own **Singing Shark** and it doesn't get any better than that.

# Pets

If you think I got a touch of the crazy, you should meet my pets. Here are some pictures of my Bff's (Best Furry Friends) that is: My **Cat** "Hairball" thinks he's a dog, which is fine because my **Dog** "Lady" thinks she's a cat, my **Weasel** "Hawkeye" always beats me at a staring contest, but don't make eye contact with my **Squirrel** "Oscar" that dude has got some serious anger issues, and my **Alligator** "Thor" insists on going to work with me but I'm not about to argue with him. My **Horse** "Buckstar" and I deliver coffee around the neighborhood (we call ourselves The Pony Espresso), and Ronda the aerobic **Rabbit** only hops if she's on a trampoline. My **Snake** "Slither" always makes a terrific scarf in the winter, and I keep Spike the **Tarantula** around just to bug my sister. My 2 **Birds** "Hip and Hop" love to DJ (they're really into the whole scratching thing), but Ozzy the **Otter** is in to heavy metal so we make him use his headphones. Most lizards loves to eat flies but my **Iguana** "Amelia" loves to fly... Period. My **Mouse** "Gizmo" is user-friendly, while my **Elephant** "Boomer" can hang ten with the best of them.

# Dumb Inventions

I've come up with hundreds of inventions including the hand chairs behind you. Take a look at some of my other revolutionary inventions. **Mower-Bike** (brake not included), **Shoe Protectors** (you'll never worry about scuffing your new shoes again), **Square Baseball** (from the guy who brought you the flat bat), **Virtual Couch Potato** (experience the thrill of sitting around in the comfort of your own home), **Mini Laptop** (if you have $4,000 and a tiny lap, this is the one for you), **Head Grass** (girls go wild for a full head of grass), **Human Cat Scratcher** (stay warm while Kitty sharpens her claws), **Loaf Blower** (clearing away the bread crumbs has never been easier), The **Mouth Zipper** (Zip on, Zip off, The Zipper), **Turtle Jetpack** (because fast and steady REALLY wins the race), **Inflatable Car** (take it on the highway or in your pocket), **Electric Corn** (it makes its own popcorn), **Back Hair Mower** (chest hair attachments sold separately), **Neck Screw** (the ultimate in head changing accessories), **Instant Slime** (just add slime!).

# Jeff's School Dance

How great are school dances? I went to this once dance with my buddy Marcos "The Muscle" but my mind was focused on asking that freckle-faced girl, Julia from my homeroom to dance. Zac was standing at the dance entrance burping out kids names as they passed by(classy move). And even I have better moves then Kayla and her BFF Mariah who were flopping around on the dance floor like a couple of sick chickens. I hit the refreshment table where Mrs. Crocker(the world's worst math teacher) was serving cherry punch that tasted like cough syrup. Just then Arnold(the class bully) shoved me from behind and my retainer went flying into the punch bowl. When he came back for seconds, I ducked and he fell headlong right into the punch bowl. I started to laugh until I spotted my retainer hanging from Mrs. Crocker's headbun. I tried to grab it but she spun around and asked why I was following her. That's when "the muscle" snatched it. I ducked into the bathroom to wash the hair off my retainer and encountered Kenji and Jessie having an epic spitball fight. Using my cat-like reflexes to avoid getting hit, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and saw a big zit on my forehead. How could I ever face Julia? I borrowed a comb from Garrett "Goldilocks" Grayson and brushed my hair forward but that looked lamer than my Uncle Ed's comb over. I ran out the door right into Julia(I thought I was gonna die), but then I saw a red dot on her chin(and it wasn't a freckle). We laughed, we danced, we hit it off(zits and all).

# Growbots

I'll never forget the summer I saved the world. I was getting ready for a date with my neighbor Mikayla when Gramp's old nose hair trimmer went haywire. A moment later, my toilet transformed into an evil robot and almost gave me a swirly. I ran out the door into the arms of my bike which had turned into Bikebot. As we sped along, he explained he was one of the Growbots, robots who have grown from kids toys into robot superstars. Without warning, I was knocked off Bikebot by the evil Mowbot who was threatening my friend, Mikayla. The Mowbot and his friend Mailbot had us trapped when a school bus arrived. As we hopped in, it transformed into the Growbot leader, Omnibus Prime. He told us that the evil Distrupticon robots had stolen the Robot Recharger and the only one who knew its whereabouts was my departed grandpa, Pappy Sutphen. Of course, the answer was right under my nose. As we neared Lady Liberty, my keen eyes spotted the recharger. Just then, The Brooklyn Bridge transformed into the Distrupticon leader, Negatron. Mikayla and I jumped onto Miss Liberty and Omnibus was smacked down. Negatron grabbed me with his claw, but I shoved Pappy's nose hair trimmer right up his nose. Negatron short-circuited and I fell into Mikayla's arms. Can't wait till next summer when I can save the world again.

# Greatest Fears

Believe it or not, I used to have a lot of phobias, Here are just a few things I had irrational fears of over the past few years. **Small Places** (that started when my sister made me spend the night in her dollhouse). **Heights** (that's why I always sit in a beanbag chair). **The Dark** (which is why I never blink), **The Water** (it's so so wet). **Public Speaking** (just got over this 3 minutes ago). **Flying** (even frequent flyer miles freak me out). **Fake Snakes** (for some reason the real ones don't bother me at all). **Spicy Foods** (all began with the jalapeño incident). **Giants** (my dad used to read me "Jeff and the Beanstalk)." **Bananas** (enough said). **Dirty Clothes** (Let them pile up and they'll take on a life of their own). **Flying Computers** (come on guys, you know it's only a matter of time). **Angry Babies** (sure they're cute and adorable but turn your back on them, and look out!). **Sprinklers** (can't we all just get a lawn?). **Baby Crocodiles** (has anyone seen my hamster?). **Paper Shredders** (whatever happened to just throwing things out the normal way?). **Spaghetti** (don't even get me started on linguine). **Shopping** (actually all guys have a fear of this). **Drains** (I've seen what goes down them, including brains). And finally, the fear of having a **Ginormous Head** (some fears aren't so irrational).

# Martian Arts

I was so excited when I got my black belt in Tae Kwon Do, I didn't notice I was being followed. Suddenly, I was surrounded by 6 ninjas. Just then a green clad figure appeared and finished off all the other fighters, with lightning fast moves. I asked him, "Hey dude, what form of martial arts do you practice?" "Martian Arts," he replied as he ripped off his disguise. A moment later, I was hurtling through space in the alien craft "The Mars Trip Revolution" with Zeo the leader of the Martian people, who had been forced underground by the giant alien invader, Vortech. Zeo knew that the only one big enough to save them was Jeff of the ginormous head. When we reached Mars, the citizens were slightly disappointed that my head was smaller than it appeared on tv, but I wowed them by chopping a Martian phonebook in half(it's only 10 pages thick). I taught them my moves while Zeo trained me in the ways of the Martian arts(the lower gravity made flying kicks much easier). Just then Vortech launched a surprise attack. As the Martians fought the invaders, Zeo pointed to a secret tunnel to Vortech's fortress. When I popped out at the other end, I became a pawn in Vortech's game of Whack-a-Jeff. Using my secret weapon(the Martian fart) I shot up and gave Vortech a ginamous headbutt. Vortech went down and I received a green belt in Martian arts.

# Star Dogs

Long, long ago in a galaxy fur fur away, there was a planet Inhabited by peace loving dogs. Under the rule of the beautiful princess Lhasa, everyone drank refreshments out of the toilet. Then one day, the evil Bark Louder stormed Lhasa's castle with his army of evil Dobermans. Bark kidnapped the princess and took her to his space fortress "The Dogstar". Luckily, young pup, Lick Dogwalker declared that he would rescue the princess. With his trusty robo dog, R2FLEA 2 by his side, the newly trained Lick took off in his space fighter cleverly disguised as a frisbee. Bark Louder couldn't resist the frisbee and pulled it into the cargo bank. In a flash, Lick jumped out of the craft, ranishing his leash saber, and the battle was on! Lick quickly rolled over and lassoed Bark. Lick rescued Princess Lhasa and went on to greater adventures, while Bark Louder was sentenced to 8 years in hard labor picking up dog poop.

# Reality Show Ideas

I've come up with some great ideas for some new reality shows, Why don't you guys tell me what you think? I got **Whiff Swap** (Teens trade stinky items from forgotten lunch pails to week-old laundry). **Steer Factor** (Because nothing's more hair-raising then driver's ed). **The Pimple Life** (Even rich girls get acne). **Love of Rock** (Each week, Jerome must eliminate one rock from his collection). **America's Next Top Model Builder** (All the excitement of watching glue dry). **Are You Smarter Than A Preschooler?** (You know your times tables, but do you know when naptime is?). **The Hairy Mole** (The search for the ugliest looking beauty mark on campus). **Project Gumway** (Walking while chewing gum has never been this electrifying). **Slime Dog Millionaire** (Kids' pets compete for money and slimming rights). **Deadliest Catcher** (You don't want to slide into home plate when he's angry). **The Bachelor Degree** (Who will the dean pick for the final diploma ceremony). **The Grills** (Grilling and betraying have never tasted this delish), **The Amazing Braces** (Cuz braces are the new bling).

# Movie Parodies (Part 1)

I love movies. And judging by the previews, there are some really good ones coming out. Like **The Dork Knight** (He's got super powers and pimples), **Kung Pow Chicken** (Nothing says "ninjas" like chickens). **Lord of the Rinks** (Ice-skating trolls like you've never seen them before). **Meet the Pets** (She loves her fiancé but the family pets smell trouble). **The Dummy Returns** (When this ancient Egyptian ventriloquist dummy returns, everyone dies... of laughter). **The Chronicles of Barnia** (The legend of the lion, the witch, and the purple dinosaur). **The Curious Case of Benjamin Franklin** (How does he go from old to even older?), **Lemony Wicked** (Kids suffer a series of unfortunate events, and then they are adopted by the Wicked Witch). **The Second Term-inator** (A robot from the future who is elected governor... twice). **Greece** (Athenian sweethearts Sandy and Socrates, sing about philosophy & acne). **Forest Dump** (Life is like a roll of toilet paper. You never know when you're gonna need it).

# School Field Trips

If you're like me, field trip equals half day. Here are some of my more memorable class excursions I've been on. The trip to the **Fire Station** was better than a day at the water park and the **Natural History Museum** had a great dinosaur exhibit. The **Observatory** had a telescope so powerful it felt like I could almost touch Saturn, but the **Ballet** was just too-too boring. At the **TV Station** we learned that the television news is serious business, the **Sewage Treatment Plant** was as much fun as sticking your head in a garbage can, but I got a great painting to hang on my wall at the **Art Museum**. The folks at the **Gnome Farm** were real nice until I called one of them an elf, at the **Auto Plant** we saw the new four-wheel drive vehicle and at the **Stuffed Animal Hospital** a doctor patched up a bear who had been through the washer. The **Monkey Yoga Center** was enlightening and the **Money Orchard** was educational (who knew money grew on trees?). I needed a special permission slip to visit the **Future** but it was well worth it. I even found out who won today's game, but I'll never tell.

# Myth Mountain Summer Camp

I'll never forget my stay at "Myth Mountain Summer Camp." My camp counselor Hercules challenged us kids to arm wrestling(he always won). He had a pet dog, Ruffy who could eat, bark and lick you all at the same time. There was always tons to do at camp, we played hide-and-seek with Cyclops who always peeked with that one eye (it was a lot easier when he hid). One time our cabin won Capture the Flag by sneaking behind enemy lines in a trojan horse (it was cool). If you didn't follow the pool rules, the lifeguard; King Neptune would haul you out with that pitchfork thingy he's got. The archery teacher Cupid made us aim at that big old heart (oh brother), but we had a blast riding Pegasus and dropping little surprises on the rival camps lawn. Mr. Centaur taught arts and crafts with his half brother, Ed. We whittled clubs and practiced swinging them in the camp clubhouse. One morning a four headed serpent crawled out of the nearby swamp, but we tamed him pretty quickly with our clubs. We made him the goalie of our soccer team and we won the camp trophy.

# Invitation To Royalty

Dear Diary, this summer I learned how to drive, oh! And I became a prince. It all began the day a limo pulled up to the front of my house. Soon I was on a flight to Snobovia to meet her royal highness, Queen Clarissa. A search of the royal family tree had determined that I was her distant nephew and heir to the throne. But first, I had to learn to act like a prince. The queen invited me to teatime so I showed up with my clubs and golf tees in hand. The fencing equipment was perfect for barbecuing, but when it came to polo, I preferred a bike to a horse. The queen insisted that I help with the knighting ceremony, but I got a little carried away. At the state dinner, I ordered pizza and so many smoothies that I ended up burping in the prime minister's face. At the royal ball, I impressed the ladies with my breakdancing and met the beautiful Cicely. We made plans to picnic the next day, but a fox leapt out of nowhere and spooked her horse. I chased after her on my bike. Taking a flying leap, I grabbed the reins and stopped the horse just in time. For my bravery, the queen made me a knight as well as a prince. I told her I'd love to take the throne one day but first I had to attend the high school prom, with Cicely, of course.

# Amusement Park Adventure

I love amusement parks, the rides, the games, the sticky popcorn covered ground. Here are some rides and attractions from my last visit. I had a blast on the **Roller Coaster**, but when I got off all my change was missing. And if you're into water and bark, then the **Log Ride** is for you. The **Bumper Cars** are okay if you have collision insurance and going down the **Giant Slide** with a potato sack would have been better without the potatoes. I was craving some **Ferris Wheel** action but it was closed and the bouncers threw me out of the **Bounce House**. The **Tilt-A-Hurl** lived up to its name and the **Airplane Ride** was awesome as soon as I went renegade. I don't know why they called it the **Merry-Go-Round** (I guess slow ride to nowhere was taken) and the **Pony Ride** wasn't at all what I expected. So I tried my luck at some games. The **Bean Bag Toss** (a little messy) and I wasn't as good at the **Basketball Toss** as my friend, Stretch. Try as I might at the **Milk Bottle Toss**, I still couldn't knock down those baseballs and I didn't pop any balloons at the **Dart Toss**, but the guy gave me a prize anyway. I scored a lot of **Arcade Claw** prizes thanks to my mad claw skills. I was really impressed by the **Fortune Teller**'s predictions but the **Funhouse** mirrors just made everyone look normal. And I wasn't afraid of getting sick on the **Viking Ship** as much as getting pillaged. Even scarier was the **Haunted School** (spooky). But my all-time favorite is still the farting **Hand Chairs**.

# The Mall Men

There are lots of superheroes but my favorite are the Mall Men, the super security force at the Brainsurge mall. First there's Bagman whose plasma vision allows him to see through shopping bags of any thickness, he's recovered many of stolen sweaters. Scooter Dude can chase the bad guys at speeds up to 13 miles an hour. The Keyster doesn't have any actual powers but his utility belt boasts the world's biggest keychain. Together they've captured such villains as CartWoman and the notorious Two-Space. Early one morning, The Nose smelled cheap cologne and bad breath coming from Jale Jewelers. The Keyster unlocked the store to reveal a guy wearing a ski mask. He said he was a shopper who had been locked in, but using his supervision, Bagman spotted his diamond loot. The Keyster yanked off his disguise and revealed, The Soaker. Their arch enemy knocked them down with a squirt gun before darting off. The soaked heroes jumped on Scooter Dude and gave chase. The Soaker gave one last blast before running down the escalator. Scooter Dude skid on the wet floor and his wheel slammed into the escalator. His friends went flying and landed right on The Soaker. The Soaker received a stiff sentence from the Food Court, while the Mall Men gave their corn dog salute. How do I know these brave heroes you ask? Well, just don't let my secret out of the bag.

# Jeff's First Date

Believe it or not, I wasn't always good with the ladies. Let me tell you about my first date. Like any guy with class I told my date I'd pick her up, so on Saturday I showed up at Stacy's door with a handful of flowers I picked from my backyard. I could tell Stacy was thrilled. Being a gentleman I gave Stacy the choice of riding on my pegs or my handlebars. It was a perfect night for a romantic ride until I hit a pothole and got a flat. Luckily, we were only 7 blocks from the restaurant so we walked the rest of the way. Leaving nothing to chance, I reserved the best table at Johnny's Dollar Slice Pizzeria. I must have lost my wallet when I hit a pothole, so she had to pay for dinner. She even treated me to ice cream at Lumpy Louie's. I didn't know that bubblegum ice cream was made of brown sugar(which I'm allergic to), so my head swelled up like a balloon. An hour later I was feeling better, so we took a horse-drawn carriage ride around Franklin Park. I slyly took the gum out of my mouth before going in for the big one but somehow the gum ended up in Stacy's hair. I used Stacy's cell phone to call my cousin Marvin who gave us a ride in his tow truck. I figured Stacy would never speak to me again, but at her front door she planted a kiss on my cheek. What a great date.

# Prep School

I can't believe I survived prep school! After a six-month leave on a tour with my dad the entertainer, I returned to Constant Blowhards(Manhattan's most elite school). I expected everyone to welcome back; the campus king, but I had been dethroned by Blair(my former best friend) who have stolen my girlfriend, Natalie and taken my spot as the starting quarterback. Even worse, the rumor blog, Gossip Kid exposed my darkest secret, my dad the entertainer was actually a rodeo clown. My reputation was in ruins and my dream of getting into the Ivy League School on a sports scholarship was toast. So I knew the Academic Olympics was my only shot. I heard Blair was also competing with the help of the some fancy tutors, but I studied up with the help of my dad. The contest at New York's pretentious towers came down to me and Blair and the final question "A Florida cracker is a type of what?". I knew instantly the answer was horse. However, my victory was cut short when Blair accused me of stealing the answers and flashed the picture of the gossip kid's pictures to prove it. After learning who made the fake shots, I showed up unexpectedly at Cell Phoney Fotos and threatened to expose them unless they helped me. The next day school was a buzz over the web pictures of Blair's bizarre ride through Central Park the night before the contest. Blair screamed, "That's impossible! I was busy stealing the answers!" as I captured his confession on my cell phone.

# Ingredients To Jeff's Sutphen Power Drink

Everyone always asks me, Jeff where do you get all your energy? The key is my Sutphen Power Drink (here's my recipe). First, you start off with the fruit: a combination of fresh **Oranges**, a really tart **Lemon**, & lots & lots of **Prunes**. Also, I throw a **Banana Peel** in there to help it slide down easy & a lot of **Bubble Gum** just for fun (mango flavored if you must know). The **Brussel Sprouts** are good for vitamin c & I use **Tea Bags** for vitamin t. **Sushi** provides the protein & you can even throw in the **Chopsticks** for extra fiber & the **Sea Bass** gives you that catch of the day taste. To top it off, **Mealworms**. Hit "blend", drink away!

***Season 2***

# Superheroes

I love superheroes. In fact, some of my friends are from the league of Super Fantastic Superheroes. Let me introduce you to them. **Beard Boy** (He can grow a beard faster then anyone and he's only in the 7th Grade). Then there's **Drool Girl** (She drowns villains with her own drool) **Captain Toothpick** can fit through anything. Then there are the classic superheroes like **Allergic-To-Cats Woman** & **Afraid-Of-Spiders Man**. **Diaper Boy** is much less embarrassing than Diaper Man. Nothing scares the **Amazing Emo** except for sunlight and a sense of humor. And don't ask **Super Supper Man** to catch a villain until AFTER dinner. The **Bark Knight** might be a mutt, but he's got a cool suit of armor. **Mistake** misspells everything (including her own name). **She-Jet** can fly, but it costs her a fortune on weekends and holidays. **Nearsighted-Clops** can see through everything (as long as he's wearing his prescription glasses). The **Human Plunger** fights crime AND clogs. **Slo-Mo Mo** makes even the biggest fight look boring (POOOOOW!). **Ironing Man** keeps the other superhero outfits wrinkle free. And my favorite, The **Incredible Burp Master** beats the bad guys with a super sonic burp.

# Jeff's High School Yearbook

Last night I was flipping through my old High School yearbook and you wouldn't believe some of the classmates and titles they were given. At my school we had the usuals like **Most Popular**, **Most Likely To Succeed**, and **Class Clown.** But we also had **King Of Detention** who repeated the 12th grade 13 times. And **Shyest Girl** (We still don't know what she looked like). The kid with the **Smelliest Feet** was also voted **Stuffiest Nose**, which explains a lot. We gave an award for **Coolest Locker**, it had a Smoothie Bar, AND a flatscreen TV. We gave out **Best Tan**, and **Worst Tan**. There was the girl who had the **Most Unexcused Absences** who didn't even show up for Picture day. Then there was **Teacher's Pet** and the guy with the **Worst Haircut.** Of course there was the **Worst Makeup**, and the **Best Makeup** (He's with the band). Finally there was... **Least Likely To Host BrainSurge**? I guess they got that one wrong...

# Dream Phone Apps

You know how cellphones claim they have an application for EVERYTHING? Well, not quite. Here are a few apps I wish I had to help me get through my day. First off, there's the **Foghorn** app. It's a great way to wake up. Then I can fix my hair with the **Mirror** app (which makes me look like Justin Bieber). The **Ear Wax Cleaner** has GPS tracking to help me find the whole ball of wax. The **Mindreader** app allows me to know what my best friend Max is thinking. Mindreader: "Scratch my butt! Scratch my butt!" Fortunately, I also have the **Buttscratcher** app. And when you have to watch your sister, there's the **Babysitter** app. Babysitter: Stop it, or I'll tell mom & dad. The **Toaster** makes small toast while you make small talk. And the **Sneaker Freshener.** You know what THAT does. The **Loud Speaker** is a great way to keep in touch with your neighbors. Jeff: Attention, Jeff is leaving for school! Neighbors: SHUT UP!!! The **Skateboard** app is better if you have REALLY SMALL feet. The **Name Burper** will burp any friends name. Jeff: Bradley. Classic, huh? The **Test Taker** lets you listen to Pop Music while it takes a Pop Quiz. And I always use the **Breath Checker** right before I talk to girls. Jeff: "Wanna get together this Saturday?" Girl: "Sorry, I have to walk my cat." That's when the **Lie Detector** app comes in handy. Lie Detector: "LIAR. LIAR. PANTS ON FIRE." Bully: "Haha, Loser!" And if you wanna get the last laugh, there's the **uFart**. And of course there's always The **Mud Slinger.**

# Sharing A Room with Bobby

Growing up, I shared a bedroom with my little brother Bobby. He was always getting into my stuff, like when he kept taking my Buttscratcher 2000. So I decided to divide our room in half, everything, 50/50. I got our cat, Fluffy, Bobby got the litter box. The bathroom was on my side of the room, but I forgot that the toilet paper was on Bobby's side. The TV was on Bobby's side of the room, but I had the remote. Bobby: "But I have the BATTERIES!" I realized my calendar was in no man's land, so I finished the line with a jar of honey I found under my bed. But all that did was attract a BEAR! The bear grabbed Bobby's blankie, my really cool Cowboy hat, and the remote control. Bobby: "But I still got the BATTERIES!" (The bear yanks the batteries out of Bobby's hand) Jeff: "Not anymore!" Now even though our TV has 738 channels, this bear watches bowling 24 hours a day. Maybe Bobby's not such a bad roommate after all. (The Buttscratcher 2000 hits Jeff in the head, Bobby grabs it, and proceeds to scratch his butt.)

# Courtney's Diary

My parents are always telling me to read more, so I decided to read my little sister Courtney's diary! "Dear Diary, I have the HUGEST crush on Joshua! (Jeff's voices changes to Courtney's voice.) I love the way he wears his collar up, all 3 of them! (Joshua: Hey!) He can access the internet through his belt buckle! He has a SOLID GOLD cellphone! And #1 on his speed dial? TAYLOR SWIFT!! (Taylor Swift: Hi, Joshi!) His locker doesn't JUST have a poster of a rock star in it, it has an ACTUAL rock star! He has a trophy for having the whitest teeth! He's so cool, he wears sunglasses UNDER HIS SUNGLASSES! He doesn't wear socks because his feet DON'T SWEAT! He climbs the rope in gym class with ONE HAND! Because he'd hurt his other hand SAVING A KITTEN FROM A MOUNTAIN LION!! Everything about him is magical, I bet he can fly! Joshua is SOOO GREAT!..." Jeff: "But not as smart or as handsome as my brother Jeff!" Courtney: I did not write that, Jeff! (Slaps Jeff with her diary. Jeff: Ow!) MOM, DAD, JEFF READ MY DIARY!" (Jeff laughs).

# At Jeff's Grandparent's House

I love going to my Grandparent's house. My Grandma always gives me a bunch of weird stuff you can't find ANYWHERE else. First up, a **Lollipop** from the bowl of fossil candy (Grandma: Here you go sweetie.). You can really taste the old age. And who doesn't love **Needlepoint?** Especially of the world's most famous plumbers. (Grandma: That one looks like your grandfather.) And if that's not exciting enough, she always has entertainment lined up. But she only has a **VCR** which would rather eat a tape then play it (VCR: Blaaah!). Grandpa's **Accordion** which he uses whenever he plays **Polka Hero** (Grandpa: Hot diggity, high score!). And who needs the internet when you have 30 years of **Newspapers**? (Grandma: There's a great article on President Ronald Reagan.) I just avoid the yellow ones because of her **Dog** (You know what I mean). Grandma's especially proud of her **Houseplant** (Grandma: It's shaped like a house.), her **False Teeth Collection**, a **Fruitcake** (Which feels more like a 10 Pound cake), and her **Clown Figurines**, because clowns are always funnier when they're... broken. Grandma crocheted the worlds biggest **Doily** out of dog hair. Then there's always the comfortable **Plastic Couch Cover** which comes in handy. And she's got some great **Rubber Floors**, so if you fall, you can just bounce right back up (Grandma: You've fallen and you can get up!). But of all the stuff Grandma gives me, I really go there for the **Hugs**, and of course, the **Money**!

# The Mighty Marsupials

It all started when I decided to go scuba diving, I flew to Australia to dive along the Great Barrier Reef, but when I dove in there was no reef, the trail of coral told me they'd been stolen. I knew this was the case of the Mighty Marsupials. Sydney(the high kicking kangaroo) and Kayla(the kung fu fighting koala). Marsupials: Marsupial Power (High five and knock Jeff down). They followed the trail of coral to a giant warehouse, inside was a vault guarded by a thug. Marsupials**:** Oh the huge manatee. Then the fight was on, suddenly a net dropped from the ceiling (Dr. Platypus: Ahaha), Marsupials: Dr. Platypus?. Dr. Platypus: Not so mighty now huh (buzzer sounds), now no one can stop my plans to build the world's biggest coral necklace, Hope you like crocs (presses the "do not press" button). Luckily, our heroes had a secret weapon hidden in their pouches (the Mini Marsupials, High-ya). Dr. Platypus: Oooh, I'm so scared (Mini Marsupials started punching Dr.) (Dr. screams in pain, falls through the railing and rips the cage open). Soon we were enjoying the restored reef. Marsupials: Marsupial Power!

# Jeff In Wonderland

I'll never forget the time I was late for a very important date with a girl named, Alice. I was in such a hurry I didn't see the open manhole, suddenly I was falling past a jellyfish (fish in a jelly jar), a watchdog (dog with a watch body) and a firefly (fly on fire). I found a little green bottle labeled "Slime Me," so I did and I got so small I was swimming in a sea of slime. I grabbed the branch and came face-to-face with a frown, which was actually an upside down smile of the Cheshire Bat. Bat: "You're just in time for the Mad Haredresser's pea party." There was the Mad Haredresser and the hare he was dressing who were both drinking pea soup. Haredresser: "Mind your peas and poo." Jeff: "My what?" Haredresser: "Poo poo (bear with the word poo pops up)!" A total egghead was falling off a wall. Jeff: "Who are you?" Egg: "I am the Eggman, cuckoo, achoo!" (Eggman sneezes and almost falls off the wall but Jeff saves him). I knew he was headed for a big breakup when I saw his crack.(A bowl is thrown knocking the Eggman off the wall). Queen of Farts: "Let's play dodgebowl!" I soon learned why she's called the Queen of Farts. (Queen farts and Jeff holds his nose while his eyes water). Queen: "Off with his nose!" I ran and ran straight up the manhole, but it turned out it was all a dream.

# Food Fight

Let me tell you guys about the greatest cafeteria food fight I ever saw. And it all started with this peanut. I carefully moved the peanut out of the way, which hit Nick at the Slacker table. (Nick: "Dude!") He didn't know where it came from, but he threw a grape which hit Alec at the Geek table. (Alec: "Hey!") Alec made a mini catapult that hurled pudding, which hit Walt at the Jock table. (Walt: "What the?") Walt just wanted to throw food, so he tossed a hamburger which landed in front of JoJo at the Drama table (JoJo screams) Suddenly it got crazy, JoJo threw her chocolate milk which hit me. Luckily I had a mouth full of mashed potatoes. ("Hey! I'm a Zit!" Jeff spits out his mashed potatoes) Then, Nick fired off a plate of spaghetti. Then Alec shot mustard which hit me. I tossed my slushie, then Nick made a mess with his Sloppy Joe. Alec threw a pizza...(Anna's hair gets cut by the pizza "My Hair!") Anna threw a banana creamed pie, Walt retaliated with a Pork Pot pie. (JoJo gets hit "WHY ME?") JoJo chocked eggs, and Anna threw a watermelon. Suddenly principal Snerkin walked in, narrowly missing the watermelon. (Principal Snerkin trips "WOAH!") So JoJo threw his hairpiece. (Snerkin: "WHO STARTED THIS FIGHT?") Luckily, no one knew it was me. I didn't get in trouble, and no food was wasted because the lunch lady put all of it in the next day stew.

# Dream Jobs

Believe it or not, I didn't always dream about being a world famous game show host. Here are just a few things I wanted to be when I grow up. Like all kids, I thought about being a **Police Officer** (because I LOVE donuts!), a **Firefighter**, a **Doctor**, and an **Astronaut** (Because you can have lots of fun in 0 Gravity). Then I thought maybe I'd be a **Cheerleader** because I'd get to impress the girls! Or a Team **Mascot**, but I wouldn't want to get a big head. I loved the outdoors, so I figured I could be a **Lumberjack**! (Jeff: Timberrr! Lumberjack: Hey!) Or a **Cowboy**! (Jeff: Yee-haw!) I wanted to be **Santa Claus**! (Ho, ho... ahem. Ho.) Or a **Penguin**. I've always been good at sports, so I wanted to be a **Hockey Player** because it would take me no time to brush my tooth. And a **Race Car Driver** (even though I have absolutely no sense of direction).(Driver 1: Hey, wrong way! Driver 2: Watch it!) I wanted to be a **Spy** so I could talk into my hand and no one would think I'm crazy. (Jeff: The principal has left the building. Over. Kid: Cuckoo!) A **Ninja** cause I look DANGEROUS in Black. And a **Scientist**. (laughs sinisterly) But mostly I wanted to be a **Robot.** Maybe I am a robot, you'll never know...

# Animal Day Spa

I've had a lot of odd jobs before but one of the most unusual was working at the animal day spa. You wouldn't believe all the crazy requests I got. I once tried to braid a **Horse**'s tail(that wasn't such a good idea), I straightened the wool of a **Sheep** (that only took a day and a half). I gave a manicure to a **Two-Toed Sloth** (which was a breeze, Jeff: Done!), compared to the pedicure I gave to a **Centipede** (luckily, I got paid by the foot). I gave a **Bald Eagle** a polish, I did a mustache trim on a **Walrus** and like any great salon I had the before and after shots of the **Skunk** who got a dye job, the albino **Alligator** who used our tanning spray, and the **Raccoon** who had a makeover to get rid of, well, her raccoon eyes. I found a unique way to get rid of wrinkles on a **Dog**. I gave a **Moose** a massage and even had a special table built. I gave a **Worm** facial but didn't realize I had the wrong end (worm farts). Worm: Sorry. The **Snake** exfoliation took off more skin than I thought it would (Snake gasps). I gave a brow wax to a **Spider** for all 8 of its eyes and helped a **Baboon** with its pesky back hair problem (Baboon screams). My craziest request was to give a teeth whitening to a **Whale**, but the worst part of the job... (Jeff exhales) the clean up.

# Where The Ugly Things Are

A lot of people don't realize that I was the inspiration for a children's book. Here's how it all went down. The night I wore my monster suit and played a prank on my sister (Courtney: "SNAKE!!") my Mom said "Go to your room!" So I hopped in a boat and traveled night and day to the land where the ugly things are. They had really cool names like 'Crocodoodle', 'Ratchel', and 'Drago'. And I taught them cool games like Rock Paper Scissors (Jeff: One, two, three), Duck Duck Puke (Ratchel: Duck, duck, (threws up), Kick your Can (Yeow!), Hopscrotch, Capture the Fang (Ow!), Hide and Go Shriek (Jeff scares the ugly things), and my favorite game, Jeff Says!, Jeff: Jeff says kiss my feet. I said kiss my feet! Uh guys? Guys? (The ugly things get in a boat and sail away). I guess they didn't like my games after all. But thank goodness it was all a dream. And I never played another prank on my sister again.

# Jeff's Family Reunion

Every year my family has a reunion. I'll never forget the one we had at the park. It was all grandma's idea, "The family that plays together, stays together"(Grandpa's dentures get knocked out). If your family's like mine, you probably have relatives like my Uncle Ed, "What's you got there?" whose breath is so bad, it can make a frog croak. My aunt Janice loves slapping people on the butt, my cousin Vanessa has a bigger mustache that any video game plumber, Grandpa loves showing off his gallbladder scar, "X marks the spot." Everyone asks me the same question. Uncle Ed: "What grade are you in?" Jeff: "10th". Janice: "Honey what grade are you in?" Jeff: "Still 10th." Janice: "Fantastic!" Jeff: "Please (slap), don't(slap) slap my butt." Uncle Ed had an allergic reaction ("Ow!", Janice slaps him on the butt to a bee, "Ow!"). Janice: "Got it", Grandpa: "Let's see the scar". We made a human pyramid, but we never should have put Cousin Bernie on the top, or grandpa on the bottom. Grandpa: "That's gonna leave another scar." But the highlight was the tug-of-war. I guess grandma was right, the family that plays together, stays together, especially when there's mud involved.

# Jeff's Drivers Test

Let me tell you, taking your driver's test is not as fun as you think. I did a great job of exiting the DMV parking lot except I forgot to pick up the examiner, Mr. Schnirdley. First he asked me to (turn right), so I did, right into the drive thru of Burper Burger. I picked up a cold banana cranberry milkshake (smoothie drops and spills on the examiner). Jeff: Uh oh. Schnirdley: Clean up your act young man. So I drove through the carwash (Jeff & Schnirdley screaming as water is spraying at the car), but the suds were so thick, I didn't see the pillow factory (They scream again). My car looked like a giant chicken (chicken noise). I laughed so hard (Schnirdley: STOOOP!), I actually crashed through the construction site gate. The crane operator gave us a lift (Whoa! Aah!), luckily we had plenty of spare tires (They both clear their throats after realizing they were holding each other). Mr. Schnirdley handed me a slip of paper that said pass but it turned out to be a bus pass. It looked like I was going be driving or flying anytime soon.

# Jeff's Embarrassing Parents

My mom and dad are great but when I was younger, they caused me some major headaches. Growing up it seemed my parents love to embarrass me. On picture day, my mom wiped me face with saliva and kissed me right before they took the shot. Uh, gross! Dad loved wearing his lucky black socks with hippy sandals at soccer games and if that's not enough, my mom would yell "I love you, Jeffy poo!" in front of everybody. My folks even made rooster noises to wake me up, super embarrassing especially when I had sleepovers, and my mom told my friends I sucked my thumb until I was 8. Once at Bullseye department store, my dad couldn't find me so he made an announcement over the loudspeaker, "Attention shoppers, I've lost my little boy!" and that was when I was 17. But the worst was when my mom sent me to buy diarrhea medicine when the cute girl was working the register.

# 53rd Semi Annual Brainsurge Games

I just came back from the 53rd Semi Annual BrainSurge Games. Let me tell you some of the highlights! This diver made a big splash in the **Belly Flop**. It takes a lot of confidence and saliva to succeed in **Spitballing**. And **Backpack Lifting** requires some serious muscle power. Not everyone can get the hang of **Hole Vaulting**. Nothing beats the thrill of **Riverbiking** (But you have to watch out for the fall). The players are always evenly matched in **One Man Chess** (Checkmate! Oh, lost again!). This newcomer nailed the **Lunch Tray Jump**. You let your fingers do the running in **Extreme Texting**. Then there is **Gossip Relay**. (Jeff Likes Suzie! Jeff Likes Suzie! The Chef's in the Jacuzzi?) The hardest part of **Bungee Gymnastics**? Sticking the landing. Here's an up and coming sport, **Hurling**! My buddy Snoozin took the gold in **Power Napping** (No one can sleep as hard as that guy). This rider trained for years with his horse Ski Biscuit for **Equestrian Skiing**. You NEVER want to finish 2nd in the **Two-Man Loogie**. And hard work and harder belching can win you a gold in **Synchronized Burping**, and earn you the spot on the front of a cereal box!

# Revenge At The Dentist

I hate going to my dentist Doctor Payne, but one day, I got my revenge. First things first, I tossed out the sappy teeth pulling tunes and replaced it with some top-notch Heavy Metal: The Teethgrinders. ("Rock on!") Then comes getting comfortable, the Doc loves this part. I didn't like how bright the light was, good thing the Doc keeps a mirror handy. X-Ray time equals fun time! ("Hold still boy.") Then when he examined the film, I told I was having problems with my Canine teeth. The suction thing is great for cheek massages. And what's more fun than a squirt gun? And just for good measure, I found a new way to rinse, and spit. (Payne: "Gotcha!" Jeff: "That's cold!") Lucky for me: I didn't have any cavities, but we'll see how long that lasts...

# School Excuses

Over the years, I've come up with some pretty creative excuses for getting out of going to school. Once I insisted I had the Swine Flu because everything I said came out in pig Latin (Jeff: "I'm Inc-sick..." Mom: "I don't Inc-think so...") Next I claimed it was Take your Child to the Mall to buy a new Video Game Day! ("Game Over.") Next I told my Mom that I was suffering from a horrible fear called Pop Quiz-a-Phobia! ("What is the circumference of a moose? How old is a mile? What is the square root of your belly button?" Jeff screams.) That didn't work, so I told my Mom Tim the Prankster replaced all school bus gas tanks with toilets, completely forgetting the school bus stop was right outside my house. By the way, the baseball cap cutting off blood flow to the brain excuse doesn't work when you're trying to cover up a bad hair day. Then I said the monster under my bed had eaten my homework, my geometry textbook, and even my writing hand! But my folks called Dr. Hurtwitz to perform an emergency hand ectomy. (Dr. Hurtwitz: "This won't hurt a bit, It'll hurt a lot!" Jeff: "All better!") Finally, I claimed I had nothing clean to wear. (Mom: "Oh I'll find something for you to wear...") Which is how I ended up going to school in my sister's dress.

# Avateen

I just finished up shooting this most amazing 3D Movie(Jeff puts on 3D glasses). Really, guys I'm serious. Take a look at the movie trailer. (Story switches to a movie announcer). Coming Soon, Jeff Sutphen is Seth Jutphen a visitor to the planet Angora who befriends a redhead with a red body to match. (Girl: My friends call me Katari, Jeff: My friends call me loser). Her feline beauty is matched only by her cat-like reflexes(coughs up a hairball, Sorry hairball), but Straizer, a tribal teen, wasn't so friendly(Hey shrimp, why don't you curl up so I can play dodgeball with you, hahaha). So a determined Seth gets the world's worst sunburn, the world's tallest platform shoes, the world's longest pants and becomes Avateen. (Other Alien Girl: Your friend Avateen is dreamy, I bet he doesn't even have fleas). But when a deadly tigerinator attacks, Avateen is exposed(Straizer: Loser), then hostile forces attack and Jeff must decide whether to wait for his stunt double(What you do mean no cats allowed? I'm a stunt double.) or attempt to stop the invaders with the help of a dododactyl. If you only see one movie this year, see Squirrelock Holmes(Squirrelock: Elementary my dear walnuts. Other squirrel gets hit with an acorn), but if you see more than one movie, see Avateen(This film has been rated P.U.)

# In My Mom's Purse

I went to borrow $5 from mom's purse the other day, and I couldn't believe the stuff she had in there. Like most moms, she had a lifeless supply of **Tissues**(Groooss!), there was her favorite **Lipstick**(tuna- flavored? Fluffy:Meow, Jeff yells as Fluffy steals the lipstick). Then I found a remote for a tv(**TV Remote**) we got rid of 10 years ago. Everyone carries around a phone but my mom had an **Antique Phone**(where's the sent button?). Then, there was the pair of **Underpants**(they must belong to Bobby), some sort of mom **Utility Tool** with a **Toilet Plunger, a Chainsaw** and **a Hairbrush**. Now some items defy not only logic but the laws of physics, like the **Purse** inside of a purse,? a **Hubcap** from our old minivan, a **Mirror**(this one was full length), a Ps **Portable Potty**. Jeff: What's this? a **Passport**(Helga Reimann? wait a minute, is my mom a spy?). That explains the **Laser Guided Night Vision Glasses** I found. Jeff: Whoa! I can see everything with these including the bottom of my mom's purse. Ah! **$5** **Dollar Bill** it's burger time.

# Jeff's Family Tree

I've traced the Sutphen family tree back thousands of years, and believe me when I tell you, I have some pretty hilarious ancestors. Here's one of my earliest relatives, Thor from Rockzana, he invented fire and a second later, he invented the burnt marshmallow. My ancient druid relative, Garth built the original Stonehenge(buildings start falling like dominoes), good thing he knew how to put it back together. Mikid Ivan the ill-tempered from Scandinavia was one of the most feared Viking warriors until the infamous helmet incident(Bobby: Hey Ivan, take a seat. Ivan: screams in pain). My great-grandfather Jeffie del Loco from Portugal helped Magellan sail around the world, thinking the world was flat. My forefather, Bartholomew(we like to call him Bart), was the caterer at the first Thanksgiving. He cooked a turkey bigger than Plymouth Rock(Bart throws the turkey on the table and gets hit with pumpkin pie), and what's Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie? My distant uncle, Jefferson Jeffery, played in the fife and drum court during the American Revolution, he played the solo. And my super duper great-grandmother, Jeffa Jowia from North Dakota, was Lewis and Clark's faithful guide through the wilderness. And finally, my great-grandfather Jeff Zekiel from Utah hammered in the golden spike that completed the cross-country railroad. (The ground breaks and a train fall in it. Jeff Zekiel: Oops.) So as you can see, brains run in the family.

# Science Fair Project

If you've ever had to think of a project for a school science fair you know it's not easy, I had the hardest time with mine. First, I built one of those baking soda and vinegar volcanoes, but it never erupted, well at least not when I wanted it to. Then, I designed an edible mobile of the solar system to prove once and for all that I'm the center of the universe, but my dogs ate all eight planets. Next, I tried to magnetize a nail, but I ended up magnetizing myself instead(Jeff gets magnetized to the refrigerator and Courtney puts a "Courtney Rules" sign on me. Jeff: Oh come on). I came up with a perpetual motion machine that gave Bobby a never ending, butt first, toilet dunk(Bobby laughing), he seemed to like it but mom and dad, not so much(Dad: You're grounded). I tried growing mold using an old piece of pizza but it turned into a Jeff eating blob(Jeff screams while the blob eats his head). Finally, I tried to build the world's biggest salt crystal, I fell in, got trapped inside the crystal but still took first place at the science fair. Bad news was I had to pitch the big game that day(Pitcher: Ball 4), we didn't win.

# The Wizard Of Brainsurge

Last night, I fell asleep during the dumbest movie. It was about this girl named Courtney Gayle and her dog, Toot-Toot (Fart), they get sucked down the brain drain and end up in a land with a much better color scheme. It turns out the place is crawling with little brainiacs(Brainiac 1: Hey. Brainiac 2: We represent the Brainiac guild). They told Courtney that to get home, she has to go see the Wizard of Brainsurge who lives in the Slime City at the end of the puzzle path. On her journey, she meets a dumb bunny who needs glasses, a robot who needs double-a batteries and a chimp who needs a diaper change. She even gets captured by the Wicked Nitwit of the West(Nitwit laughs, Toot-Toot pees on her, Nitwit: I'm melting, I'm melting). Eventually, they arrive at the Slime City. Wizard: Who dares disturb the great and ginormous Wizard of Brainsur--- Ow!(Rabbit sticks a carrot up his nose). Pay no attention to the guy with the carrot up his nose. Alright, what do you guys want? (Back to narration) So Courtney's friends get their wishes and the Wizard sends Courtney home by running the entire movie in reverse(Reversed dialogue) and everyone is happy except Toot-Toot (he inflates).

# Billy Bonkers' Toy Factory

I love toys, so I jumped at the chance to visit my favorite toy maker's workshop. I was so excited when I found the golden ticket good for a tour at Billy Bonkers' Toy Factory. My brother Bobby and sister Courtney came along too. Billy Bonkers arrived in an elevator made of ice(Billy: Welcome, there's only one rule: Don't touch the toys!). Then it was off to see how Mr. Bonkers, along with his helpers the Baboon Paloompas made all of his best selling toys. There was the Super Spitter, Booger Babies and even the Turbo Go Go Pogo Stick. Then, we entered a room filled Mr. Bonkers' newest video game, B.O. Ogres. Without thinking, Bobby grabbed the game controller and started playing. Suddenly, he was sucked into a video game world and was being chased by odor's ogres. Before Courtney and I could do anything, Billy Bonkers hurried us to another room. The Baboon Paloompas were busy assembling the doll with a sweet smile, Buffy Burp. Courtney reached out to hug one and liked that she was turned into a life-sized doll. Then, I was whisked into a room with Bonkers' most popular creation, Robo Bat. As I moved over for a closer look, Bonkers got ready to bonk me(Jeff: Hold it, I have an idea for the biggest selling toy of all time. But first, I want my brother and sister back.). So we helped launched Bonkers' craziest toy of all, the Billy Bonkers action figure. (Announcer: Only $24.99; get yours today!)

# Slime Man Part 2

Some of you may not know it, that I was a superhero in High School. Don't believe me? They're even making a comic book based on my life. A freak accident during a field trip to the LOL Lab left me with a strange ability. So, I became Slime Man. Luckily, being a superhero didn't go to my head, though I did own a Slime Man Lunch Pail, Action Figure, Hair Gel & Toilet Paper. But, I never had time with my girlfriend Jane Mary. (Cellphone ringing Crime in Progress) Lady: Help, My Purse! (Slime Man stops the bad guy) Slime Man: No need to thank me ma'am! (Lady hits Slime Man with her purse) Lady: You have to be ashamed of yourself! (Lady throws a newspaper at Slime Man) Lady: Here!, (Slime Man: What, bank guarded slimed slimeman suspect, but everyone knows that slime is used for good not evil.) Undeterred, that night I responded to another robbery in progress. Slime Man: Hey, This Isn't Slime. (Green Globule: Bingo, Slimey) Slime Man: The Green Globule?! (Green Globule: I get the money, you get the blame. It's the perfect crime!, Green Globule Laughs & shoots snot) But I protected myself with slime, until I tripped over the guard. Green Globule: Sayonara, Slime Ball! Sneeze Girl: Snot so fast!, Green Globule: Who are you? Sneeze Girl: I'm Sneeze Girl (Sneeze Girl sneezes & The Green Globule screams and gets knocked out) Slime Man: Bless You!, Sneeze Girl: Don't mention it, Jeff. Slime Man: Jane Mary, but how did you know it was me?! Sneeze Girl: You're mole gave you away (the mole holding an arrow pointing to Slime Man saying he's Jeff) Slime Man: Oh, him! Jane Mary you're the best! Sneeze Girl: Aww... Ahh... Ahh, CHOO!(Jane Mary sneezes, Slime Man screams, & Slime Man & the mole gets knocked out) Sneeze Girl: Jeff?!

# Music Artists

When I'm not on the TV screen, I'm working behind the scenes as a big name music producer. With a reputation for spotting new talent. My first discovery was my sister "Courtney" who I renamed **Food Courtney** because she works at the mall. My brother "Bobby" had a short-lived career as Rapper **Mc PipSqueak**, & my dog "Max" recorded a hit single as **Dog Doggy Dogg** & that was just the beginning. I discovered **Swift Taylor** sewing clothes & made her an overnight sensation, **Lady Goo Goo Gaa Gaa** became a success on the strength of her single "Pamper Otzi", **Umpire Weekend** plays "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" like you never heard of, **Panic At The Discount Store** sings & sells their hits at the same time, most of my groups have their names in lights, but **Kings Of Neon** are all in lights, the **Blue Eyed Lima Beans** are the only music headliners who are also a side-dish, the **Mannequin Dolls** looked great, but they couldn't sing or dance, & in hindsight, **Kidz Flop** wasn't the best name for a band, then there are my novelty groups, **Allen & The Hamsters** have a ball on stage, the **Black & White Stripes** play it all from A to Zebra, **Bouncee** is the ultimate hip-hop artist, **Justin Beaver** doesn't bring the house down, he brings the trees down, Finally there's **Jeffy Jeff & The Jefftones**. My songs aren't memorable but no one can forget my name.

# Monsters

In my spare time, I battled monsters. Here are just a few of the creatures that I've taken on. **Frank & Stein** has 2 heads both of which have abnormal brains, trying to keep the **50 Footed Woman** in shoes will kill you, **Hackula** is dangerous but thanks to his hacking cough, you can hear him coming a mile away, if you think **Frogzilla** is scary wait till you see the fly he's after, the **Ghoul Principal** will eat your brains & then make you take the test, the **TP Mummy** looks more like a halloween prank, sure you can see **Barely Transparent Man** but you can also see what he's eating & it's scary, then there's the **Monster Over The Bed**, you never know when he's gonna drop in on you, the **Booger Man** is very picky but not in a good way, the **Phantom Of The Oprahhhh** is inside your TV, the **Pink Pantster** looks cute, but get to close & your pants are coming down, **Queen Kong** went ape after her boyfriend was seen hanging around New York with a blonde, if you hate the Tickle Monster, then you are really gonna hate the **Trickle Monster**, beware of the **Backne Beast**, the only thing that can stop this back acne is 50 gallons of pimple cream, **Upchucky** maybe a doll, but when he get's sick it's for real, & it's hard to say which is more frightening, **Smellraiser**'s body odor or his spikes (Jeff: Yoww!).

# The Teacher's Lounge

Guys, I did it! I snuck into the teacher's lounge! And luckily, I had my video camera. I waited until I knew the coast was clear, then I got to work. Hmm, there's the usual suspects like stained **Coffee Mugs,** confiscated **MP3 Players**. Jeff: (notices a pink MP3 player with a unicorn & rainbow on it) Hey, that's mine! It was a gift. Surprise, surprise. A chart with **Gold Stars** for the teachers who have given the most detentions. Ugh, this **Chicken Soup** that appears to have taken a life of its own. A **Fly**? Eugh! Fly: (gets stuck to the chicken soup) Help me! (gets eaten by the chicken soup, which then burps). Bingo! It's the **Teacher's Handbook**; the one with all the snappy one-liners. Teacher: Maybe you'd like to tell us what's so funny? A Space Racer **Rocket Simulator** 4000? Whoa! A DJ's **Turntable**, complete with **Records**, a **Strobe Light**, and a **Smoke Machine**! Talk about schoolhouse rock! A **Waterslide**! So that's why Mrs. Whitman has a waterproof **Grade Book**. What's this? **Lockers**, just like us. Let's see what's inside (opens Mr. Belvedere's locker) Aah! I knew Mr. Belvedere had bad taste, but a sequined **Jumpsuit**? Hold on, what's a **Vortex**? Jeff:(pushes the button on the vortex, which sucks him in and lands him back to teacher's lounge door to find a teacher) Mr. Belvedere(laughs nervously). Mr. Belvedere: Mr. Sutphen, maybe you'd like to tell us what's so funny in detention?

# Discovering New Planets

I took my rocket ship out for a ride last weekend and decided to visit a few new planets. First stop, the planet Sat-On, it has over two million inhabitants but zero furniture, so everyone takes turns sitting on each other (Ow!). Next, was the planet Antdromeda, it's populated by giant ants who love to picnic, unless they find themselves invaded by a trail of tiny humans (Let's go!). On Soupiter, the ocean is made of pea soup (Whoa!) perfect for surfing on crackers (Soups up, dude!). On Upsy-Daisy, all the inhabitants walk on their hands and high-five each other with their feet. The orbit of Partykus is so fast, the inhabitants have birthdays once a month, the kids are too busy going to birthday parties to attend school and the busiest person on the planet, a party clown named, Zobo. On Stinkopolis, the atmosphere smells like dirty laundry but the inhabitants have humongous noses with built-in stink filters. It's the smell of perfume and flowers that makes them gag. The people of Urstrangous have three heads and seven legs (Turn left!), they can never agree which way to go. The aliens are total numbskulls on the planet Jercury, they stick both their tongues out (blowing raspberries), everyone has a "Kick Me" sign on their back and they all travel in groups because they've tied their toes together. The planet Flodoe has virtually no gravity so everyone goes for a bounce instead of a walk and if you shoot a spitball too hard it circles around the planet and hits you in the back of the head. You know, maybe Earth isn't so bad.

# Snow Day

I always loved the snow day, because it meant no school and lots of winter fun! Here's Courtney, Bobby and me ready to hit the snow. Bobby always looked like a Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon (Bobby farts and goes up in the air). I made a pretty cool snowman who I called Lefty, Courtney's was ok too. Jeff: "Hey! Those are my underpants!" Bobby forgot the sled, so we took turns BEING the sled, Bobby went first. Jeff: "Look out for that..." (Bobby and Jeff hit Lefty) Jeff: "...snowman!" So much for Lefty! Snow days are great for ice skating too, but I shouldn't have skated in a perfect circle. We had fun making snow angels until Courtney decided to show off AGAIN. But it turned out Max was an art critic. I love a good snowball fight, unless I'm not man... by Grandma?! We dug a snow tunnel SO deep, we found buried treasure. Abominable Snowman: "Raaaaar!" Jeff: "The Abominable Snowman?!" (Jeff, Bobby and Courtney scream while running out of the tunnel. The Abominable Snowman growls again.). But we gave him some hot cocoa, and he goes from abominable to adorable. (Abominable Snowman laughs like a child and winks).

# The Worst Summer Camp

Let me tell you about the worst summer camp I've ever went to. Who can forget their time at summer camp, especially when you go to Camp WannaPeePee? I drew the short straw on bunk assignments which meant I had to sleep under Roman The Giant. Marcus is the practical jokester of the group like the time he farted down the chimney... (Marcus sits on a chimney and farts in it) ...after he locked us inside. There were plenty activities like tag. ( Roman tags Jeff into the poison oak, Jeff: Poison oak?! Ah!) The nurse was also the camp cook which maybe why she used pickle relish on my rash. For fun, we headed over the rope swing which turned out to be a snake, which was nothing compared to our brief encounter with the alligators, actually Roman had the brief encounter I had the boxer encounter. After lights out, we snuck over to the girl's side of camp which was guarded by ninjas. The next day, we had a chance to feed the wildlife, then the wildlife fed on us. The camp did have 1 bright spot, though: I didn't have to shower for 2 weeks. Can't wait to go back next year!

# Lifeguard For A Day

I've had tons of summer jobs, but one of the most memorable was my job as a substitute lifeguard. The first thing I did is put on lots of kiwi scented sunscreen, which attracted fruit flies. Ew! (Jeff slips on the ladder & falls) Maybe I should've skipped the feet. A good lifeguard has to be alerted at all times (a beach ball wakes up Jeff). You're on the lookout for anything out of the ordinary. I mean, besides the usual spaceship, titanic sighting (Marcus: King of the sea!) & pink, purple and green sea monsters encounter (Jeff sees a killer whale). Jeff: Oh no, KILLER WHALE! (turns out it was just a fat dude) Jeff: Never mind! But being a lifeguard does have some fringe benefits (a seagull poops on Jeff, the seagull laughs) & a lifeguard has to be ready to save lives at a moment's notice. Jeff: I'll save you! (Jeff slips, falls, screams & lands on a sand castle) Using agility, ninja-like reflexes, incredible speed & excellent judgement. Little girl: Hi mom! Jeff: Whoops. (gets donkey ears and brays) No matter what they tell you, there's no such thing as a land shark. (Land Sharks scares Jeff, takes a bite from the kid's lollipop, & the kid punches the land shark) That was my first (a big wave splashes Jeff) & last day as a lifeguard. (Jeff spits out a fish & the seagull poops on Jeff again)

# Zombee

I was involved in a lot of competitions in High School, but there was one that was definitely the craziest. I was captain of the debating team and the football team, everybody wanted my autograph, even principal Snerkin. Still I thought something was missing, but then I spotted Lea singing up a storm in the Glee Club Auditions, I had to meet her. So I auditioned, and got in! (Mainly because the director Mr. Brewster wanted my autograph.) We learned cool songs like the Johnny and the Spots hit: Don't Stop Relieving, and Lea taught me some hot dance moves. Then one day, our Glee Club was challenged to a song and dance-off by the Zombie High Cheerleaders. Their head coach, Scary Sue was the lead zombie in the 80s music video Shriller. She was always saying, "Eat your heart out!" and she meant it. We arrived at Zombie High at 8'o clock sharp. When we saw the judges, we knew we were doomed. The zombies performed a dance called: Ghoul Digger. They were good, though they missed a few steps because they lost a few limbs. Then we did a high kicking number titled: Boom Boom Ka Pow. We wanted first place but the zombies wanted us their first course. (Zombies: "Brains!") Thinking quickly, I picked Lea up and spun her around. We won the competition and the zombies learned a valuable lesson: Sometimes winning takes more than just brains. (Zombies: "Brains!")

# Talented Chickens

If you're one of the few people who has never heard of the great chicken caper, then you may not be familiar with my 5 prized chickens. Allow me to introduce you to them. Ethan is the comedian (Ethan: & that's why we crossed the road), Steven is a professor at the local college (Steven: & so you can clearly see, that's why we crossed the road.), Garry is the artist (Garry: I call it, Chicken Crosses Road), Harrison is the athlete (Harrison playing ice hockey, Harrison: I'm not crossing that road.) & Scott is the architect (Scott: Here's a safe way to cross the road. A bus rampages through Scott's bridge) The 5 of them were inseparable & they even managed to open their own burger restaurant. But one morning, they woke up & found Gary missing. After checking the front yard & the back yard, Gary was still nowhere to be found. Just then, Steven thought about Mad Mage Morrigan who lived 2 blocks away & hated chickens, but loved art, making her the prime suspect in the great chicken caper. They quickly pilled into the car, Harrison drove because he's the only chicken with a license. They got to Mad Mage's house & sure enough, there was Garry, being forced to paint priceless works of art (Mad Mage: Lose the beak!) Spring into action, Ethan the Jokester filled a balloon (Ethan farts into a balloon.) because Scott had a plan (the balloon pops, Mad Mage: Chicken farts! & Mad Mage fainted) Mad Mage was rendered helpless, they rescued Garry, & that inspired their blockbuster movie, Gas Action Chickens.

# Jeff's High School Classes

I'm the principal of a new school I started and I'm only offering the kind of classes that kids really want to take. In **Comic Book Lit** you'll learn why superheroes wear underpants outside their outfits. You'll learn to write like Shakespeare would've if he had a cell phone in **Texting as a Second Language**. **History of Recess** includes a lot of field study(the baseball field, the soccer field and the football field). **Intro to Make-Up Tests** uses actual make-up. You'll discover if that sandwich you found in your locker predates the Jurassic Period in **Lunch Paleontology**. **Social Network Studies** because the world is a better place after you've updated the status of your BFF. **Wedgie Prevention** will show you how to make your own underwear security system(airhorn sound). Then there's **Advanced Procrastination**(I'll tell you about it later). **Paper Airplanes 101**(Guy gets hit in the head), you'll learn how to make an electric guitar from a tomato can and a curtain rod in **Heavy Metal Shop**. **Cell Phone Photography** will guide through the process of taking and posting really embarrassing pictures of your friends. **Fashion for Guys** covers such important topics as what's the expiration date of underwear. Who needs fancy schmancy instruments when you're enrolled in **Armpit Orchestra**. **Boyology** is the study of boys and what makes them so gross. **Blemishtry** will teach you the difference between a pimple, a zit and a bullseye, and we promise you no pop quizzes.

# SpaceBook

You wouldn't believe all the crazy people that want to be my friend on that new social networking site, SpaceBook. **Gaby Blabbermouth** is quite the talker, she's also quite the spitter so be sure to wear goggles. **Rufus McForehead** has a forehead so big he rents himself out for a billboard. **Donna Dumpling** wears ovenmitts and a helmet, she's always prepared, for what? I don't know. **Franklin Funnybucket** knows a hundred jokes(What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?). Unfortunately, he doesn't know a single punchline. Astronaut **Sally Riderbiter** was the first person to take a dog for a spacewalk. **Jackie Jay "The Ice Man"** is one cool snowman(I was good friends with his dad until he melted). **Quiet Wyatt** always gets tongue-tied when he talks to girls, so instead he plays his guitar(Wyatt playing the guitar). **Rip Van Wrinkles** is older than dirt only by a year, and if something's broken **Tommy T. Troublemaker** is always willing to take the blame. **Poopie Roople** labels everything incorrectly, what she labeled as hair gel was really peanut butter. **Lynn Lintfilter** is made from belly button lint, she's generous, kind and fluffy. **Cleatus** is an invisible blue guinea pig(Don't ask how I know he's blue), **Lori Lampwich** lights up any party except a pool party. **Johnny Noony LaLa** performs nightly at Las Vegas' Shark Tank. **Peggy Pogolegs** is a little jumpy but if you need a ride, she's your gal. And **Tiny Hawk** is the only bird who's also a skateboard champ. Man, he can fly!

***Season 3***

# World's Largest Miniature Golf Course

The other day, I decided to play a round of Miniature Golf. This course turned out to be a little different. Jeff: "World's Biggest Mini-Golf Course" (Putter & Balls guy gives Jeff his putter & ball) Jeff: "Thanks Putter and ball rendor dude!" Putter & Balls Guy: "Good Luck... you'll need it!" Beside from being gigantic, the first hole looked normal. I WAS WRONG. And of course it was the one day I decided to wear my cuddly kitten boxers. After I found my pants, I made my way over to the next hole. Jeff: "Giant Fly? What's so hard about this?" (Fly swatter smacks Jeff). Jeff: "Did I make it?" At Hole #3, I didn't know rather to putt it or flush it, so I did both. I found Hole #5 to be slightly creepy, but playable. Jeff: "Piece of Cake!" (Jeff does a hole in one and the large clown pulls the crank on the Jack-in-a-Box). Jeff: What now? (Jack-in-a-Box pops but and hits Jeff in the face with a pie). Jeff: Mmm, Lemon meringue! The 6th Hole got me pretty confused. No obstacles, just a sign that read 'Beware of Zombies.' I didn't see any zombies, so I went for it. I should've known this hole was a little *too* easy. I made it to the last hole. Finally, a normal castle. I waited and waited for something to happen, but nothing bit. Jeff: "HOLE IN 1!" (a Mini Knight pops up from the top of the castle) Mini Knight: "Destroy That Demon!" Jeff: "But I'm not a demon, I'm a Jeff!" But the worst part? I never found out my score!

# Jeff's Extreme Games

In my neighborhood my friends and I love to play outside, but we don't play ordinary games, we like things a little more EXTREME! One of our favorite games is a new twist on the classic. It's called **Hide and Streak**. Then there's **Sniffleball.** It's snots of fun(Ball falls on Jeff's head), **Volley Ham** is awesome, until it's time for dinner then it's game over(Mom: Jeff, where's my ham? Jeff: Uh oh).One of the colorful games we play is **Red Light Green Slime** (Jeff: Red Light, Green Slime, kids gets slime poured on them). You've heard of kick the can, try **Extreme Kick the Can** (Jeff kicks a troll on the butt, he notices and runs off). You know what's more fun than monkey in the middle? **Gorilla in the Middle** (just make sure you got a good supply of balls on you). A racket and a dirty diaper is all you need for **Smellsbadminton** (Diaper lands on Jeff's head, Jeff: Ughh). You heard of leap frog but nothing's more extreme than **Leap Porcupine** (Jeff: Owwww!). Pogo sticks are so passé but **Pogo Salamis**, awesome (dogs chase after Jeff). You know what's a real workout? **Octopus Jump Rope.** **Capture the Pirate Flag** is fun, until the pirate makes you walk the plank (Pirate: Arr, that'll teach em). And **Bean Blast Baseball**, it's a blast to play (Jeff farts), unless you're the catcher (he passes out) or the umpire(he passes out as well).

# An Alternate Universe

Did I ever tell you guys about the time I accidentally opened a wormhole in the time space continuum? While trying to grow mold on a cucumber in my room I accidentally opened a wormhole in the time space continuum. Jeff: "CANONBAAAAAALL! Huh? A football? Ice cream sundae? Is that Justin Bieber's hair?" I figured I just fallen in the Living Room. AU Mom: "Touchdown!" Jeff: "That's weird..." AU Bobby: "Bark! Bark! Bark!" Jeff: That's even more weird..." It was then that I realized I must be in some sort of ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. Then my sister Courtney came in, walking AND talking backwards. AU Courtney: "Olleh Ffej!" Jeff: "Hello Jeff! That one was easy." AU Courtney: "Tnaig Rebmucuc Kcatta!" Jeff: "Wait, give me a minute... did she just say, Giant Cucumber Attack? GIANT CUCUMBER ATTACK!!! Holy Petrified Pickles, you're huge! Nice veggie monster..." It was my moldy cucumber! AND IT WANTED TO EAT ME! I was pretty sure I was done for. But then something even weirder happened (If that's possible). It was Mangra! My alternate universe Grandma! Mangra: "Prepared to be Pickled you mean old Cucumber!" (Mangra zaps the moldy cucumber with her denture lasers). Jeff: "Of course! Denture lasers! AAAAAAAAAA!" Finally, I ended up back in my own universe which was fine with me. AU Dad: "Hey Jeff, I'm done knitting your sweater!" Jeff: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

# Dr. Seuss Parody

Sometimes life in my neighborhood is so strange it's almost like a storybook. On the 15th of May in the neighborhood of Nurb, on a hot summer's day not far from the curb. We were busy playing with our toys when Norton the hippo heard a small noise. We both stopped and looked all around, Jeff: "That's strange, (I thought) there's no one to be found." Norton: "What could it be?" (Norton did ask) "It's not Mr. Lemonade cutting the grass," and it surely wasn't Mrs. Wheeling squealing while potato peeling. It certainly wasn't wasn't Mr. Manilla or the red farting gorilla, that knocks out Miss Rose Nose whenever he eats vanilla. Jeff: Time out, animals loose? Call the city zoo. Zookeeper: Yep, Jeff, that's right. It's a hundred percent true(gets punched in the face by a kangaroo). Then Norton got nervous and we all could tell when his mom stood on the porch and began to yell. (Norton's Mom: "You're in trouble if you don't clean that yard.") Norton: "But there's too much stuff, this will be too hard." Then all of a sudden that small noise grew loud and around the corner came a fast-moving cloud. Jeff: "Wow look a that! A supersonic street sweeper that can clean anything faster and deeper." Then we hopped on and took a lap and swept the whole neighborhood in just a snap. Norton's Mom: "You did such a good job, you get a year's worth of ice cream." but then the gorilla farted and I awoke from my dream. Jeff: "Did that really just happen?" Zookeeper: "It sure did and I hope you were laughing."

# Jeff's Exercise Crazes

I like staying in shape so much! that I'll try just about any new popular craze to do it. The **AB Dominator** really motivates you to do sit ups(AB Dominator with Arnold voice: "Crunch I tell you, crunch". Jeff: One). To make sure I'm getting the most benefit from my exercising I use the **Fart Rate Monitor**. To increase my cardio I like to use the **Hamster Wheel of Fortune**, not only is it a great workout but I can win cash and prizes. The **Toe Flex** will give you perfectly toned toes, it's great if you do a lot of ballet. **Zero Gravity Boots**, don't really do too much, they never stay on the bar. If you want to have a great sleep just try the **Snordic Track**, **Toga Yoga** will help you stay young(Yoga Master: Now hold this position for 3000 years). You'll burn a lot of calories on the **Dreadmill** because the dreadlocks you have to wear are really heavy. I keep my eyelids in tip-top shape with the **Stare Master 3000**. To workout my guns, I like to lift **Gumbells**, the **Annual Exercise Ball** is a great way to tone and tango(Girl: Whoa, she crashes into a wall). And if I have too many chores to do I use the **Rower Mower**, I can get a workout and mow the lawn all at the same time.

# Dad Double Over

Let me tell you about the time my family appeared on Our Country's Silliest Videos from Home! Tom Turnuron: "If you at home have a silly video, send it to me! Tom Turnuron! And you may win $10,000!" Awesome! I'll make silly videos by hiding cameras around the house! I hid the first camera in the Kitchen (Dad gets hit in the crotch with a ham). I hid the second camera in the Living Room (Dad gets hit in the crotch by Max the dog). I hid the third camera in the game room (Dad gets hit in the crotch by a billiard ball). The fourth camera in the garage (Dad gets hit in the crotch with a ladder). And I hid the last camera in the backyard. Dad: "Woah! That was a close one!" (Dad gets hit in the crotch by a soccer ball). Then I sent the tapes to Hollywood, and next week, we got a call! Phone: "Congratulations! You've been selected to appear on Our Country's Silliest Videos from Home!" (Dad gets hit in the crotch by the telephone). It was a dream come true, a chance to win $10,000! Tom Turnuron: "And the winner is... Dad Doubled Over! Congratulations Jeff!" (Dad gets hit in the crotch by a part of the trophy). Tom: "Hahahaha!" (Tom gets hit in the crotch by a monkey).

# The A+ Team

One time I formed an elite squad of super smarties to answer life's puzzling questions. First we needed a name so we put our heads together and became (Everyone: The A+ Team). Bobby had a myth he wanted to bust, Bobby: "If a bear farts in the forest and no one's there to hear it does it make a sound?" We went to work immediately, Dhaira built a toot-o-meter(Fart), Eugene attended lectures at The Polyfart Institute(Professor: "Energy equals gas times cheeks squared.") and Poindexter scouted our subject(bear roars and he screams). The next day, we returned to the forest to test our hypothesis but first, we had to find our subject. ( Everyone jumps out of the van, Poindexter: "Ow I fell on my protractor"). Then suddenly, as planned, our subject stumbled upon our five pound bean and cheese burrito, so we started up our fart cam and hightailed it out of there so we could give our subject some privacy. Then finally, (bear farts) we had the answer. Jeff: "Silent but deadly."

# Celebrity Pets

My family loves watching TV together, especially all those shows staring Celebrity Pets! My mom never misses that cooking show "30 Minnow Meals" staring **Rachel Stingray**. **Jane Leash** stars in the popular show "Flee". My cat, Fluffy, makes us watch "Celebrity Catprentice" staring that New York Fat Cat **Ronald Rump**. Ronald Rump's Hair/Hamster: "You're Fired!" Bobby loves watching **Ryan Seahorse** on Fish Idol. My favorite judge is **J. Blowfish**. J. Blowfish: "That was a little bubbly." The Sutphen ladies still watch reruns of **Oh-Purr**. Oh-Purr: "You get a cat toy and you get a cat toy and you ALL get a cat toy!" Courtney makes us watch "Jersey Shoreline" staring **Schnookie** and her muscle finned friend, **The Fishuation**. Dad likes **Jimmy Falcon's** late night talk show. Jimmy Falcon: "I wish those Dodo birds in Washington would fly south for the winter and stay there!" Last week he had on those two songbirds, **Tailfeather Swift** and **Canary Underwood**. Finally, Saturday is Movie Night. This week, it's "Bark to the Future" staring **Michael J. Foxhound**. Michael J. Foxhound: "Doc, we're out of bones!" Doc: "Bones? Where we're going we don't need any bones!"

# Courtney The Pop Star

I was listening to my younger sister Courtney sing one day, when I realized I could make her a pop star! It just takes 7 easy steps! Step 1. Convince Courtney she wants to become famous. Jeff: "Hey Courtney, you want to be famous, right?" Courtney: "Ugh, about as much as you want a big zit!" Jeff: "Perfect! Start practicing!" Step 2. Convince her that she's signing with me as her agent. Jeff: "Courtney, you have such cool handwriting! Hey, would you mine signing your autograph here? Thanks!" Courtney: "Hey!" Step 3. Give her a pop star makeover and razzle dazzle EVERYTHING. Step 4. Give her some publicity at the mall. That's where a lot of Pop Stars get discovered. Step 5. Give her a cool stage name. I chose 'Food Courtney.' Step 6. Hire the perfect back up singers. Because our dogs ALWAYS howl along to Courtney's singing. Step 7. Write her a BIG breakout hit single. And that's IF you can get a big name Hollywood Music Mobile like Cedric Promwell to produce it. Cedric: "You have the voice of an angel but that name, it should be Courtnie with an IE! And you got to fire that agent of yours!" Oh well, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. CHANGE OF PLANS! Jeff: "Bobby, how would you like to become the next big Hollywood action star?"

# Mayfield's Colorful Citizens

I love my hometown of Mayfield, especially all of it's colorful citizens! There's **Mayor McSneeze.** Mayor McSneeze: "I present this key to yo.. yo... ACHOO!" **Garth the Garbage Collector** has the world's biggest collection of used chewing gum. Bobby LOVES riding to school with **Buffy the Bus Driver** because she drives an ice cream school bus. **Ben the Barber** stills gives me a bowl cut, at least he's got 2 dozen shapes of bowls to choose from! **Doug the Dog Catcher** is good at what he does (Just don't ask him to catch a cat because they give him the willies). No one likes **Max the Cat Burglar** ESPECIALLY Doug the Dog Catcher. **Fred the Firefighter** always stands by when Grandpa celebrates his birthday. Don't be scared if **Paul the Plumber** uses a snake to clean your pipes. **Judge Trudy** throws the best barbecues in town. Judge Trudy: "Who ordered the T-Bone?" **Coach Karl** coaches everything from football to spitting contests(Coach Karl: That old lady can spit farther than you). **Dr. Doogey** delivers every baby in Mayfield. But every time he sees me, he still spanks me. And finally, **Gus the Gas Inspector** has the best nose in town. Gus: "You dealt it Jeff!"

# 6 Wishes From G-Nee

The craziest adventure I ever had began when I bought an old lamp at a garage sale. I was dusting it off, and all of a sudden... G-Nee: "G-Nee at your service!" Bobby: "There's a Genie in the house!!" Jeff: "I'd wish you zipped it, Bobby!" (G-Nee zips Bobby's mouth shut). G-Nee: "And you still have 5 Wishes left!" Jeff: "5?!" G-Nee: "3 wishes was SO last century!" Jeff: "Then what are we waiting for? I wish I could fly!" (G-Nee makes a flying skateboard appear). G-Nee: "Hop on!" Jeff: "This is better than a magic carpet! To the treehouse!" G-Nee: "Still 4 more wishes left!" Jeff: "I wish... I lived in a mansion!" (G-Nee turns the Treehouse into a Treemansion). My treemansion came complete with 9 Butlers and 2,037 Video Games! Jeeves: "Your lunch sir, Banana Avocado Burger under glass." Jeff: "Thanks, Jeeves!" Mom: "Jeff! Don't you have an English paper due?" Jeff: "Man, I wish I didn't have to do anymore homework..." (G-Nee makes Homework Monkeys appear). Jeff: "What's this?" G-Nee: "Homework Monkeys!" Jeff: "COOL!" Police Officer: "Hey buddy, do you have a permit for these monkeys?" Jeff: "If I was a celebrity, they wouldn't hassle me like this! I wish I was famous!" (G-Nee gives Jeff a bowl cut, oh, and fame). Girls: "IT'S JEFF! WE LOVE YOU JEFF!!" When I needed the G-Nee the most, he couldn't be found! Girls: "WE LOVE YOU JEFF!!" Jeff: "HELP ME, G-NEE! JEEVES! WHERE'S MY DESK LAMP?" Jeeves: "In the trash, sir." Jeff: "NO!" \*whistle\* (Jeff makes the skateboard appear and grabs the lamp). Jeff: "G-Nee, where are you?!" G-Nee: "Wow! Aren't you popular?" Girls and Monkeys: "THERE HE IS!!!" Jeff: "Man, I wish I never seen this old lamp!" G-Nee: "You got it!" Things were soon back to normal. Mom: "Clean your room, Jeff!" Jeff: "I am Mom! I wish..." (realization) "I HAD JUST 1 MORE WISH!"

# Stores At The Mayfield Mall

On weekends, my family and I love visiting our favorite stores at the Mayfield Mall. Bobby always stops at **Bath and Body Functions**, he loves their fart flavored lotions(Bobby: "Yes smells like a broccoli fart"). My dad likes to hit up **Forever 51** because it really appeals to his age range(Dad: "Honey, does this make me look younger?"). Courtney always takes her computer to the beef cake bar at **Abs of Blondie & Glitch**. Uncle Ed likes **Soup-or-Cuts**(Uncle Ed: "I'll take the minestrone and half an inch off the top"), My dog Max's favorite store is **American Beagle**, he loves their skinny jeans. Grandpa spends hours talking to the clerks at the **Generation Gap**(Grandpa: "Teddy Roosevelt, now that guy knew how to wear khakis." Clerks: What?). Aunt Janice loves watching all the action at the **Lottery Barn**(Aunt Janice: Missed it by one). One time Courtney was sick, so we dropped her off at **Glamourous Shots**. Not only did she feel better, she ended up looking fantastic. We all love going to **Noise R Us**, especially Grandpa(Grandpa: "Turn it up"). Grandma likes **Custom Choppers**, there she can get her motorcycle and dentures fixed(Grandma: "The linement is up on both"). Bobby always giggles when we're at the **Build-a-Bare Bottom Workshop**(Butt farts and Bobby laughs). And before we head home, we all get treated to **Hot Chocolate on a Stick**(Hot chocolate spills on everyone, Dad: "Thank goodness for free refills.")

# Franken Jeff

Did I ever tell you guys about the time I created a monster? Check this out! As almost every story does, it all started at Science Camp. I thought it'd be fun to create my own monster. For one arm, I used the arm of an armchair. For the other arm, I used a tennis racket. For legs, the leg of a table and a lamp. Once the creature's body was complete, it was time to install the brain! Now seeing that I'm a little short on brains, I used a can of beans instead. Jeff: "Cujo! Raise the platform!" My assistant was a big help. Jeff: "Pull the switch! IT'S ALIVE!!! ALIVE!!! HAHAHAHA!" (The Monster punches Jeff in the face). Jeff: "Thanks! I'll name you... Barry! No, make that, Franken Jeff! I was excited to bring Franken Jeff home. But the real challenge was getting him to fit in as one of the family. Mom: "It's a toothbrush!" Franken Jeff: "Toothbrush, Good!" Bobby: "It's a soccer ball! You kick it!" Franken Jeff: "Soccer, Good!" I thought he might have better luck fitting in at School, and I was... Right! Jeff: "Go Franken Jeff!" Franken Jeff: Football, Good!" Jeff: "He's right, Football Good!"

# Mom's Wardrobe

My mom's closet is full of clothes she hasn't worn in years. Mom: "Ah, I have nothing to wear," Courtney: "Are you kidding, lets put on a runway show, I'll be Courtney Cloon and you'll be the model." Here comes our first outfit, it's a **Miniature Poodle Skirt** with a real poodle that's already potty-trained. These 70s **Church Bell Bottom Pants** have a certain ring to them, this **Swiss Cheese Cloth Shirt** is a stellar, it's a real stinker. That **Hawaiian Crabgrass Skirt** is good for all seasons(trimmings needed). These once popular **Bermuda Triangle Shorts** have got to go, this **Moo-Moo** is utterly awesome. This **Prehistoric Boa** is comfy but maybe a little too restricty, Mom is the deadliest catch in these **Fish Net Stockings**. That **Alligator Hand Bag** is totally snazzy, when I'm saying those **Canary Yellow Hot Pants** are smokin, I'm not joking(Mom: Ow Ow, gets sprayed with a fire extingusher). She's quick, brown and foxy in this **Faux Fox Fur**, finally, we have a classic **Knight Gown**(Jeff helps wheel Mom in but she falls off the cart). Courtney: Okay mom, let's do it again but this time I'll be the model.

# The Incredible Shrinking Jeff

For those of you who are a little short for your age, I can relate. I was once 10 inches tall. My parents were gone for the day and put me in charge but first I had to take charge of this big zit on my forehead. Jeff: "Guaranteed to shrink pimples(zit cream sprays all over Jeff), holy zit cream." Unfortunately, it shrunk me instead, thinking quickly I had Courtney dress me in some of her old doll clothes (Jeff: "Do these stripes make me look short?"). I was still in charge even though I was only ten inches tall. Jeff: "Courtney, it's your turn to make breakfast," Eating oatmeal proved to be a challenge(Jeff jumps on the spoon which causes the oatmeal to fall on his head). Jeff: All right chore time everybody," I turned washing dishes into a sport(Surf's up dude, Cowabunga!), and used Bobby's toy crane to clean the litterbox(Jeff: Uh oh) and I wasn't sure how I was gonna write my English paper, until I discovered the jump and peck method. Then, I was really hungry so I went to get a snack but I remembered I was vertically challenged. Luckily, I spotted some swiss cheese on the floor(Jeff: "5 hour rule, still good"), but I had company(Jeff: Rat!). I was on the verge of being a rat snack, until I spotted Bobby's remote-control racecar(talk about a rat race, Jeff screams as he crashes the car). I thought I was done for when(Fluffy scares away the rat) boy, was I happy to see Fluffy until see coughed up a furball, but luckily for me, something in that furball turned me to normal size. Dad: "Hi Jeff, we're home" Some things are even more embarrassing than zits.

# As Seen on TV Products

If you watch tv at the middle of the night, then you know I'm the king of infomericals. Here are some amazing inventions as seen on tv. Enjoy eating on the couch but hate cleaning up the mess? Then you'll love the new **Bibbie**, it's a blanket and a bib all in one. Your dog's fleas are a thing of the past with the amazing **Fleabee**(Warning: Do not use on cats). Say hello to **Spamwow,** the only meat product that can soak up 20 times its weight in gravy(Dad: Wow!). Wish you had furry backhair like your Uncle Harry? It's a snap with **Backhair in a Can**. The **Crossbow Flex,** this miracle device allows you to workout your upper body while you practice your archery skills(Jeff misses the board completely and hits a cookie jar, Mom: Jeff!) Your family will love it. And now you can win any food fight with the **Lettuce Bazooka**(Bobby: "No not the iceberg" the couch explodes). It looks like a ceramic pig but sprinkle it with chocolate powder and saturated fat and it turns into **The Pimple Pet**. The **Total Blocker Sunglasses** protect you from all the sun's harmful rays because frankly(Jeff hits a tree) it's a blindfold. Now mom and dad can burn dinner the simple and safe way with the **Lean Mean Burning Machine**(Jeff and Bobby: "Mmm, Mmm Burnt"). **Miss Leo's Psychic Cell Phone** really works. She can predict if you're a sucker even before she takes your credit card number. Wanna work that milkshake off while you drink it? try the **Vanilla Shakeweight**(also available in chocolate). And finally you can lose that unwanted fat and flatulence at the same time by **Farting to the Oldies**(Parody of Old McDonald plays). Operators are standing by.

# Different Restaurants

Most people don't realize I'm a world renowned restaurant critic, here are some of the craziest ones I've visited. Feel like italian but hate chewing? then **Pizza in a Blender** is for you(Jeff:mmm, now that's italiano). At **Kung Food**, chef Benji Hanna prepares your food using his fists of fury and kicks that can tenderize even the toughest cuts of meat. **Clay's Shark Tank**, makes it fun to catch your own seafood, unless the seafood catches you first. At the **TV Dinner Theater**, the only thing worse than the show is your frozen food. I'm not saying the food at **Chuck's Chili Hut** is hot, but there's always a firefighter on hand to put out your mouth. Some places have happy hour, **Sal's Salad Bar** has healthy hour(Jeff/Girl: to your health). **31 Flavors of Gravy** serves up lumpy taste sensations like, chocolate chip cheese gravy(Uggh!). My dog, Max loves **Central Bark Diner**, what he can't eat he takes home in a people bag(Dogs start barking). At **Barney's Brussel Sprouts & Beans Emporium**(Everyone farts), everybody's prepared to use their gas masks. At **Tina's Tiny China Cafe** everything is super tiny(Jeff:Yikes) except the bill. Every night is Halloween at **Ghostly Gertude's Boo-fet**, look for their all-you-can-eat eye of newt and finally, **Gaga's Steakhouse**, it's the only place where the waitresses model the cuts of beef.

# Ocean Adventure

One weekend, my family and I were enjoying a trip to Ocean World when all of a sudden(Everyone screams), we were in an underwater universe. Courtney: Awesome, Bobby(riding a stingray): "I'm the king of the sea," Jeff: "Nobody will ever believe this." Mom: "I am rocking this one piece", Dad: "Thank goodness we're getting this all on film(Octopus steals the camera, Everyone: Hey!) give us back our camera." So the chase was on like Chaka Khan. Bobby: "I think he went left," Courtney: "I think he went right," Jeff: " I think I just farted, yep I tooted." Mom: "Somebody must have seen something." Dad to 3 clams: "Have any of you seen an octopus with a camera?(all 3 clams shut) They all clammed up." Kids: "There he is." So we jumped in a taxi crab and in hot pursuit(Dad: "Follow the octopus"). We passed a construction site and a school zone before our crab stopped short. Crab: "This is as far as I go, buddy." Octopus: "Welcome to the prawn shop, how may I help you? Dad: You stole our camera give it back right now. Octopus: If you arm wrestle me, Dad: You're on. (everyone struggles to even move his tentacles and then they tie them up). And that was our trip to Ocean World.

# President Jeff

Did you guys hear the news? I just got elected President of the United States and you should see all the changes I'm gonna make around here. Instead of living in the White House, since my family loves the Golden Girls, we're gonna live in the Betty White House(Betty: "Thank you for being a friend.") I'm gonna make the oval office the triangular office(Let me in), why? So no one can get through the front door to bother me and I'll surround myself with the not-so secret service, just don't say anything around them that you want kept secret(Guard: "Jeff sucks his thumb" Jeff: "Only at night"). The first bill I'll pass will be the outlaw homework(forever). You know the Presidental Seal? Well, mine's way cooler and does tricks. In order to make sure all my citizens receive proper nutrition, I'll enact my "No fry left behind fell right policy." I'm gonna defend all kids' rights not to take baths by enstilling my "Don't bathe just smell policy." Backpack too big? Stop by my Shrinking Memorial. I'm removing the Speaker of the House and employing my crazy cousin Alvin as (whoo hoo) the Streaker of the House. (Judge: Order, Order I say). The bench-press secretary will take questions for me during press conferences(Secretary: Anymore questions? Crowd: nope, uh uh, sir). And finally, people will remember me for my Gettsyburp Address(Jeff burping: Four score and seven burps ago).

# Courtney's Blog

My sister Courtney recently started a blog where she answered some of the weirdest questions! Bobby: "Dear Answer Angel, I was SO hungry I drew a hamburger that looked so good I ate it AND the crayon! What do I do?" Courtney: "Dear Sick Brick Red, your mom left a hamburger on the second shelf in the fridge, and although they're non-toxic and shaped like french fries, you shouldn't eat crayons." Grandpa: "I farted during our Family Backyard Picnic and blamed it on a skunk, since there wasn't a skunk I painted a white stripe on Fluffy! How do I get the paint out?" Courtney: "Dear Phantom Farter, some crunchy peanut butter and some elbow grease should get that stripe out. Next time, take a walk before your butt cheeks talk." Jeff: "My red hat fell into the washing machine and turned my Dad's tennis outfit pink! Should I feel guilty?" Courtney: "Dear Faulty Friend, NO. Turns out your dad's pink outfit was so distracting, he won the match!" Dad: "I mistakingly put the Super Duper glue next to my wife's hand lotion when she was gardening!" Courtney: "Dear Sticks and Stones, a little nail polish remover will help unglue the rocks. Otherwise, you better take her out for a manicure." Mom: "My daughter spends too much time on the computer and we never see her. I wish she could join us for some ice cream at the beach right now." Courtney: "Hey! Wait for me!" Good thing Mom figured out the mystery blogger was my sister, Courtney!

# Family Businesses

Over the years, my family has dabbled in all types of Businesses. Some were successful, others were not. Customers quickly soured on our summertime **Milk Stand** (Yuck! Sour milk!). Our **Inconvenience Store** is only open 5 minutes a day. Dad almost made off with his get rich quick **Fonzi Scheme** (Eeeeyyy!). Customers had an out of body experience at **Jeff's Autobody Experience** (Ommmmmmm, It's the alternatorrrrr). **Bust A Movers** isn't a total bust because customers enjoy Mom's robot. Sales are saggy at **Plumber's Crack**. Courtney learned that **Door To Door Marketing** isn't what it used to be (Picture yourself with 2 front doors!) Bobby charged admission for his **Wedgie Show** (Aaaa!) Mom's timing was a little off with her **Time Travelers Agency** (That's 2 tickets on Noah's Ark for you and your twin!). Our **Don't Do It Yourself Store** is really popular with Smart Women (I really don't think you should do this yourself! I told you couldn't do it yourself honey!). **Emo Gelato** is great too, if Courtney's in the mood to serve you (Can I have a single Pistachio? I guess...). And finally, our biggest disaster was our **Family Lawfirm**, Schmozo, Bartface, and Dogbreath.

# Race Around The World

Did I ever tell you guys about the time my family and I went on the Great Race Around the World? First we were split up into teams of two, Mom and Dad made up one team(Go Team!), Bobby and Courtney made up the other(You're going down). That left me and Grandma(Grandma: "Eat my dust, see ya suckers"). At the route marker, we got our first clue. Jeff: "Where you're going rhymes with pants, Dance." Grandma: "France you bumblehead, let's motor." So we're off to France(really slowly). Our first traffic jam, one of us had to bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower(Grandma: Weee!). Then it was off to Zimbabwe, Africa by helicopter(Grandma: "Quit squealing Jeffy boy, just 3000 miles to go"). Our challenge there was to rock a lion cub to sleep, now the Sutphen ladies, they're pretty good at this, way better than the Sutphen men(Men screaming in pain while getting scratched by the lions). Next, to Australia, by mini submarine, unfortunately, all Grandma brought to drink(she farts, Grandma: pardon me) was prune juice(Jeff gets out of the sub gasping for air). For our last challenge, whoever finished their 3 foot long vegemite sandwich first, would have a headstart to the finish line(Grandma burps, Grandma: pardon me). We were in the lead(Grandma: "Oh lookie, decorative spoons"), but like most grandmas, mine can't resist a good flea market(Courney: "Let's go, let's go"). Announcer: Bobby and Courtney win the race.

# Jeff Potter

One of my favorite memories was the summer my brother, sister and I spent at magic camp. I'll never forget my parents expressions when the camp train left the station(Dad and Mom: "Whoo Hoo!", they highfive). A mere 17 hours later, we arrived at our destination, FrogWarts. We were met by professors, DumbleDad and MegMomadore who looked awfully familiar. A man named Heggrams unloaded our duffle bags off from his dragon, Norbert(Norbert burps, Kids: "Eww dragon breath"). DumbleDad used a sorting cat to assign us to our bunk houses, (DumbleDad: "Courtney, you will join Powder Puff") Bobby and I were accepted into Griffindork. I was a natural in magic class(Jeff: "Is this your card" Guy: No, Jeff: How about this one, Guy:No, Jeff:Abracadbra?). One the second day, we learned how to fly(Jeff yells and hits a wall), I was a natural. While we levitated Bobby, the Stinky Sorcerers arrived(they fart, Kids: Eww!) along with their leader, Lord Voldervart(he farts, Dad and Mom: Eww! They pass out). The professors were overcome by the sorcerers powerful, uh, magic. Then I remembered the one thing that can defeat the sorcerers, dragon breath. So I was off to save the professors when Volderfart hit me with a stink bomb, Fortunately, I was wearing the clothespin of invisibility and counterattacked with(Norbert burps) dragon breath. I rescued the sorcerers and that night, we celebrated(Jeff: "Mom and Dad aren't gonna believe this." DumbleDad and Momadore: "You'd be surprised").

# Lord Of The Onion Rings

One time I made an entire village in Metalberg cry but that's the prize you pay when you become the Lord of the Onion Rings. It all started when I spotted an onion growing in the ground(Jeff: "My precious, it makes me wanna.. cry:). The onion smell was so powerful I took it to the town square for everyone to see and smell. Gandalf: "That stinky onion must be destroyed before it ruins the Happy Wobbit Holiday", Boy: "Let's toss it", Girl: "No let's dice it". Gandalf: "No it must be fried." (crowd gasps). Onion: "I think we should let him go." (Crowd Guy 1: "Shut up onion", Guy 2: "yeah you stink"). Gandalf: Jeff, you along with my son Fry-do must fulfill this quest, Ari the waitress will tell you the way. Waitress: "Hello, may I take your mortal?' Jeff: "Yes, but we need to know how to destroy this." (Waitress starts crying). "You must journey to the deep fryer, high on top of Mt. Mushroom, you'll need the help of my busboys Hatvoice and Sipit"(Sipit burps). When we reached the giant deep fryer (as for warned) it was guarded by a bunch of dorks. Fry-do: "we're here to fry this stinking onion, turn on the fryer." Dork: "No way Jose" Sipit: "His name's not Jose it's Fry-do(sprays green liquid). Jeff: "Fry-do! now's our chance to destroy the onion and save the Happy Wobbit Holiday"(Jeff throws the onion into the fryer. Onion: "I'm frying!). And that's how we destroyed the stinkiest onion ever and I became the Lord of the Onion Rings(Jeff: Mmm. Tasty).

# NoseBook

My parents think they're so cool, but when it comes to technology, they're way behind the time. So, in an attempt to bring them out of the stone age, I showed them how to use the new hit site NoseBook. Jeff: "So mom, tell me which photo you want to use for a profile pic and you'll be all set". Mom: "It's tough. I don't know which nose to pick." Finally I had them up and running, at first I didn't mind when my parents would say hi by flicking me(Hi Dad). But then their posts got a little out of control(Mom through the message: "How's your diarrhea doing, sweetie?" Jeff yells) and they started flagging me in pictures(Jeff: "Oh that's so not cool. Not the cow print outfits, augh, how embrassing. Awkward! Braces, pizza face and me picking my butt"). And Dad even uploaded our family home movies(Younger Jeff: Aahh creepy clown). Finally I had enough, so I pulled the plug(Mom and Dad: No!) Jeff: "Your NoseBook has gotten out of control" Dad: "Hold on, I need to update my status. OMG, being lectured by son, sad face" Jeff: "When's the last time you went to work or played with your friends?" Mom: I play Barnville with my friends every day." (Jeff yells) In the end, I had to cancel their accounts, but my parents still wanted to be able to connect with me, so they signed up for the latest internet craze, NitWitter. Mom's message: "Jeff just stunk up the bathroom!"(Jeff groans).

# World Records

I'm getting ready to release my second book, Jeff's Big Book of World Records, here are just a few of the amazing records you're gonna find inside. **The** **World's Best Use of Saliva** that one goes to my mom(Mom wipes saliva on Jeff's face while he groans). **The Longest Time Spent in the Bathroom**, that would be Dad(farting) after chili night. **The World's Longest Pointless Story**(Grandpa:and that's why you never trust a billygoat named Bob) that would be Grandpa. **World's Laziest Cat**(Fluffy), she's so lazy that her cat scratching post actually scratches her. **The World's Oldest Tuna Sandwich**(At least we think it was tuna). **The World's Fastest Texter**, Nobody can beat Courtney(Courtney:LOL Ha). **The World's Smallest Check**, given to me by my grandmother on my birthday, I haven't cashed it yet because they don't make coins that small(Jeff shows the check with the amount showing one half cent and 00/100). (Uncle Ed breathes), **The World's Worst Breath**(Bear roars and scares him), that would be Uncle Ed of course(Ed scares the bear away with his bad breath) more powerful than pepper spray. **The World's Shortest Book**, writing a book report has never been so easy. **The World's Lamest Excuse for Not Going on a Date**(Girl:Sorry I have to clip my grandma's toenails tonight). **The World's Longest Shot of Milk out of the Nose**, the wrong expression and(Jeff:"Hey Bobby", Jeff has spoons in his ears) just the right moment and Bobby shot a 12-footer and finally, **the World's Smelliest Dog**(Dad:Attaboy, he passes out).

# Creepy Creatures

One night, my family and I decided to explore the spooky old house on top of a hill and boy did we meet a lot of characters. First, we were greeted by the **Ghost Host**(Living or non-living), The **Spirit Spirts** were so peppy(gimme an F, they all fall apart), but the **Shy Clops** preferred to lurk in the shadows(Have the humans left yet?). The **Wicked Witch** was from Boston(These socks are wicked awesome) and the **Phantom of the Soap Opera** was so dramatic(I'll get my revenge, chandelier falls on the guy's head). The **Pottygeist** lived in the bathroom(Dad: Get Out) and the **Boogerman** sneaked up and picked your nose(Thanks). The **Vegetarian Zombie** only ate vegetable brains(and they're all locally grown) and the **Dare Devil**(look at me) was a real show off. The **Chair Wolf**(Aahh, Howls) was kinda lazy and **Teddy Kruger** wasn't scary at all(Courtney: He's actually quite cuddly). But unfortunately, all of us were haunted by the **Ghost of Farts Past**(Fart and Scream. Bobby: That's an oldie but a goodie).

# Vacation Destinations

My family sure has been to a lot of vacation destinations and it's not always like the brochure says. I'll never forget the time we went to **Smellystone Park**(Fart geyser, Old Fartful, erupts. Family: Oooh!), the **Hundred Grand Canyon** was expansive and expensive(Dad: a $100,000). **White Water Crafting** was a really bad idea (Dad: Careful don't break it). At **West Palm Bleach** we got more white than tan. We never did reach the top of **Mount Never-rest** (Bobby: Are there yet? Dad: Not even close). Courtney loved **Niagara Dolls** (Courtney: Whoo Hoo!). Nothing was worse than when we got stuck in the **Panama Ear Canal**. The sand was scorching hot on the recently discovered Hawaiian island of **Yaui**. (Dad: Aaah!). At Fisherman's Dwarf, even my little brother Bobby was gigantic. Dad loves the **Great Wall of China Buffet** because kids eat free. I don't know why they say the French smell, they gave us soap on a rope at the **Eiffel Shower** (Dad: Viva La France). But our all-time favorite was when the clock struck midnight at **Slime Square**.

# Movie Parodies (Part 2)

Everyone in my family loves going to the movies. Check out the coming attractions we can't wait to see. Announcer: What's worse than being short, unpopular and badly drawn? Having a zit that can be seen from outer space, coming soon, **Diary of a Pimply Kid**. Jeff: You like them in the monastery, you'll love them in concert. It's **Alvin and the Hip Monks**. Announcer: He's silently evil as he takes over the world, he's **Mega Mime**. Be afraid. At night this seemingly normal home is haunted by ghostly creatures who roam the hallway and horrify, its **ParentNormal Activity**. Jeff: Using skills that have been handed down over centuries he is, **The Last Hairbender** (I will blow dry you away). Announcer: They're green, they're adorable and it always seems like they're laughing at some secret joke, they're **the Smirks**. He'll bend over backwards to bring you hilarity, he's **Yoga Bear** (I call this one downward-facing picnic basket). Jeff: She's not too bright and she's not afraid to let everyone know(Girl: Yes), Announcer: It's the feel dumb comedy of the summer, **Easy F**. He's an avenger from over the border (Hola amigos), he's **Captain South America**. Do you think training a dragon is hard? Try giving one a bath, coming this summer, **How to Bathe your Dragon**. Jeff: He fights crime and his hair is perfect, Jeff Sutphen is **The Green Hairnet**. Announcer: The family's away and they left him in the garden, it's **Gnome Alone** (Gnome does the Kevin scream and face from Home Alone).

# Courtney's Sleepover

I always wanted to know what goes on at my little sister's slumber parties. Courtney invited two friends over for their annual "Goodies, Guys and Gossip" slumber party, her bff Timona and her frenemy, Crystal. So sent my spy, Bobby, dressed up as the new girl Roberta. First, they held a pajama fashion show(Courtney: Those are so cute. Crystal: I totally want them.). Bobby: Anybody(clears his throat), anybody wanna play "Kung Fu Your Face?" Courtney: Why don't we play Truth or Dare? Roberta, truth or dare? Roberta: Dare. Crystal: I dare you to(whispers). Jeff: Aah!(bag of dog food falls on Jeff's head) He doggy bagged me. You wouldn't believe what happened next(Bobby laughs). Bobby started to enjoy it. Roberta; Timona, if you like a boy just let him know. Timona: What if it's Jeff(Everyone: Eww gross)? Crystal: I think Jeff is cute(Everyone: Eww and Roberta's about to throw up). Then, they played a game called Mash where they try to predict their future. Roberta: So, I'm gonna live in a mansion, drive a hybrid, have 3 kids and marry someone named Chris? (starts crying) I'm so overwhelmed. I couldn't take it anymore, so I decided to blow Bobby's cover. Girls: Jeff! Jeff: That's not Roberta(removes Bobby's wig), that's Bobby(Bobby laughs). Timona: Bobby, you're really cool. Crystal: Now I like Bobby better than Jeff. Jeff: What? In the end I learned two valuable lessons, never interfere with a slumber party and never let your sister and her friends do your hair.

# Star Warts

I just saw the newest Science Fiction movie. And it is out of this world! It's called "Star Warts!" It's the story of an adventurous Luke Moonwalker and his quest to rid his nose of a terrible wart. It's here that Luke meets crazy old dermatologist Obi-Wan Kenober. Obi-Wan: "I'm here to take you on an adventure, Wart... I mean Luke! But first, we must save Princess Loofa from the evil Darth Expoliator!" Hans So-Lame: I'll take you to your princess." Luke: "Who are you?" Hans: "I'm Hans So-Lame, and this is my partner, Murray the walking lint ball. Murray: [moans]. Obi-Wan: "There's the Death Fart! Darth Expoliator's secret weapon! It has the power to stink up an entire planet! I sense a disturbance in your Wart!" Luke: "Ow!" Obi-Wan: "Darth Expoliator must be near!" Once inside the Death Fart, Luke sent his two droids C-Pee-Pee-O and R2-Pee-Poo to safe Princess Loofa. Princess Loofa: "Occupado!" Suddenly, Luke was face-to-face with Darth Expoliator! Darth: "Ah, Luke, I've been waiting for you. Let us battle with Radioactive Soap-On-Rope." Luke: "I'll never use my warts for evil, Darth Expoliator!" Darth: "There is something I need to tell you. Luke, I am your fa... I am your fa... I am your Pharmacist." Luke: "Well, then can you give me something for this wart?" Darth: "Sure thing. Let me give you some free samples." Finally, at the end, Luke gets rid of the Wart with some Wart Remover, and the universe is saved!

# Family Band

One time, my family ran a novelty bird rock band in our own backyard. Dad was on the washboard and spoons, Bobby was on the body beatbox, Courtney gargled, I played cowbell and mom was our lead singer.(Everyone: We're birds that flock and rock, come and get flappy). Audience Member: You guys should play the Mayfield County Jam competition. So we did, we won first place and got a big contract with a record label. Shiny Rhymey: Hi gang, I'm our new manager, Shiny Rhymey, but people call me Slimy. We finally made the big time and even got our own tour bus. Newspaper: Birds of a feather #1 on the flock charts. Everything was going great but then our manager called for a press conference but mom was on the other side of the table. Dad: What! you're leaving the band? Shiny: That's right sucker, she's flying solo. The fame(Mom: No autographs) really went to her head(I need ice water from Iceland). We all fell apart with Mom around, Dad locked himself in the car, Bobby lost his marbles(actual bag of marbles) and Courtney and I had no clean underwear(Jeff and Courtney: Mom!). She eventually realized that going solo was for the birds(Mom: I'm a bird that's such a ? and I rock by myself, starts crying), In the end, she knew it was better if all of us birds rocked together(Mom: Will you ever forgive me?). Our reunion concert sold out,(Everyone: Come and get flappy) of course, it was for more of an exclusive audience(family shown performing in front of the dogs).

# Illnesses Of Mayfield

Mayfield is no ordinary town, and its residents don't get ordinary illnesses either. For instance, my neighbor Marcus contracted the **Nerd Flu**(my snot just traveled 12.7 meters per second). Courtney couldn't rid herself of **the Weasels**. Even our dog Max came down with **Bark-o-Lepsy**. Fluffy showed signs of a **Purrrsonality Disorder**(she thinks she's a dog). Mom helped Dad get through his **Scarlett Johannsson Fever** and Dad returned the favor by cooling off Mom's **Dance Fever**. We got a rude awakening when Old Man Jenkins caught **Rooster Pox**(**Jeff**: Shut up!). But Grandma was awake anyhow because of her **Irritable Owl Syndrome**. I gave Grandpa an ice pack for his **Butt Ache**(**Grandpa**: Ahhh!). Even I got the strangest case of **Elton Jaundice**(Good-bye, yellow skin tone). When our heater went out we all got **Hippothermia**(**Courtney**: Wow! we're freezing.). And finally, the school hallways were never the same...(farting noise) after Bobby's sudden **Fart Attack**(farting noises).

# Jeff's Court Case

I'd like to think I come from a town of law biding citizens, sadly I discovered that wasn't the case. It all started when I was sleeping moonwalking in the kitchen, when suddenly I realized someone had stolen the last cookie from the cookie jar. So I decided to investigate (CSI Mayfield), I taped off the crime scene(just a tape with crumb scene written on it over the cookie jar), dusted for Prince(**Prince**: You missed a spot) and took a couple of mugshots(sips out of 2 coffee mugs), I figured I had enough evidence to go to trial. **Jeff**: Bobby, that is your real name isn't it? (**Bobby**: Uh, I think so) Where were you at the night in question? (**Bobby**: Sleeping of course). Jeff: Exhibit A, Bobby's dental records which clearly illustrates the presence of cookie cracking(Jury gasps). Bobby: Okay, I ate a few cookies but I left the last one for you(Jury gasps again). Things were looking good(Jeff clears his throat after wiping his face off with his heart boxers). Time for my expert witness. **Jeff**: State your name and profession for the jury please. **Milk**: I'm skim milk. **Jeff**: Mr. Milk, what's the easiest way to determine if someone had stolen a cookie? **Milk**: Simple, just look for chocolate smudges, like the ones on your hands. (Jury gasps) **Jeff**: How'd that happen? Mom: Exhibit A(holds up a VHS Tape),**Judge**: Ma'am, who still uses a VCR? **Mom**: Exhibit B(holds up a DVD and put it in the player), Jeff, the other night when you were sleep moonwalking, you were also sleep cookie-eating. You're the guilty one, Jeff. **Jeff:** Oh, that makes sense(Jury gasps). **Judge**: I sentence you to eat 20 cookies without milk.

# Monkey Businesses

When I need something done, I just call Monkey Business, the top provider of Highly Experienced Monkeys to fit your every need. Not home to answer the phone? Well, the **Answering Machine Monkey** is! Tired of having a boring old hairstyle? Try the **Hairdo Monkey**! Don't know what to say on a blind date? Bring the **Blind Date Monkey**! Jeff: "Do you like bananas?" Girl: "No, but I'm gonna split." Car doesn't have navigation? Hire the **GPS Monkey**. Suffering from annoying back hair? Try the **Back Wax Monkey**! Hiring the **Party Monkey** could mean risky business. Teacher wants to speak to your parents? Send the **Parent Teacher Conference Monkeys**! Teacher: "We need to discuss Bobby's grades." Dad Monkey: (eats paper) Teacher: "Oh My!" The **Carwash Monkey**, you'll love the clean finish (but don't get the jungle scent air freshener)! Too tired for soccer practice? Your teammates will get a kick out of the **Soccer Practice Monkey**! The **Taxi Cab Monkey**... well... you may wanna take the shuttle. Our **Grease Monkey** performs songs from "Grease" while replacing your transmission. Most diets never work, that's because they've never used the **Diet Monkey**!

# Jeff & Bobby's Relationship

My brother, Bobby, and I have made an art form out of annoying each other, it always starts off so innocently. For some reason I hate it when Bobby says apple-packs, so of course he says it all the time. (Bobby saying apple packs constantly at Jeff while he screams). So I torture Bobby by messing up his gamer time(**Jeff**: Go that way, **Bobby**: Stop it, **Jeff**: Go there, **Bobby**: Stop, **Jeff**: Jump, **Bobby**: Mom, Jeff: My turn). **Bobby**: While at breakfast, grab a handful of Jeff's cereal, then put it back. **Jeff**: Ewww!. **Jeff**: Bobby if you keep annoying me I'm gonna send Katie (Bobby's turtle) back to the ocean. **Bobby**: Katie! Bobby has this crazy dance that always stops me in my tracks (**Bobby**: Bow chicka wow wow, Jeff starts laughing). When Bobby picks his nose for snacks, I can't keep that to myself(**Jeff**: Attention Mayfield, Bobby is digging for gold and eating it. **Bobby**: Attention Mayfield, Jeff still sucks his thumb. **Dad**: Don't make me stop this car). Of course, Bobby's favorite is waking me up in the morning(Bobby farts in Jeff's face). **Jeff**: Oh Bobby, what did you eat last night?(Jeff beats him up). But the morning fart trick can backfire(Jeff farts in Bobby's face). **Dad**: Honey, will you get the kids ready for school?

# Stranded On An Island

I'll never forget the summer my family went on a cruise ship and ended up getting a whole lot more than we bargained for. So we boarded the S.S. Guppy for our three-day tour(**Everyone**: Bye noise and stress). **Dad**: What a great trip. But when he hit the open water, a storm hit. **Bobby**: Oh I feel kinda(gags), seasick. We were forced to seek shelter from the storm on a Deserted Island. When the sun finally came out, Dad had a brilliant idea(**Dad**: Time for a family hike, everyone else groans). The hike was pretty boring, until we ran into a wild boar. (**Boar:** Who wants to partay?) He was more wild than boar. (Ship horn) **Courtney**: Jeff, **Jeff**: Wasn't me(Ship horn honks again). **Everyone**: The ship!(everyone screams). That's when we noticed the ship had set sail without us. **Dad**: It's alright, just remain calm(Everyone starts screaming and panicking). By week 6, we really felt at home(**Mom**: Fish for dinner, **Everyone**: Again). To pass time I whittled a skateboard out of a piece of driftwood(**Jeff**: Check it out dude, hits a tree, **Jeff**: Aah! That's not good, gets hit with a coconut, **Jeff**: Neither is that.), Courtney taught the island monkeys to text message and dad finally finished his hammock.(hammock breaks) That's when the cruise ship returned(Captain: Ahoy), and we were forced to make the toughest decision of our lives(**Dad**: Do we spend our lives together in this tropical paradise or return to the noise and stress of the real world? **Everyone else**: Noise and stress, noise and stress, noise and stress).

# Magazines

My family subscribes to all the world's most popular magazines. Check 'em out. Mom got poison ivy from reading **Worst Homes and Gardens** (she gets a rash). Bobby saves every issue of **TP Guide** (Announcer: Wow! Absorbent! \*gets hit in the head with a roll of toilet paper\* And soft!). And I love the celebrity interviews in **Insanity Fair** (Cover lady: I have issues with this issue!). Grandpa gets his stock market tips from **The Bald Street Journal** (Announcer: Hair today, gone tomorrow!). Mom starts each morning with **USA Yesterday** (Mom: Sunny today. \*walks outside and gets rained on\* Aah!). Bobby subscribes to **Burps Illustrated**. Their calendar is amazing (lady on cover belches, Bobby scratches the scratch & sniff label, lady belches again). Courtney tries to keep up on fashion with **Out of Style** (Courtney: Totally not awesome? \*throws her shades on Max\*). Grandma gets **Good Mousekeeping** for her cat, Whiskers (Mouse: Help me.). Mom loves the recipes in **Rolling Scone** (Cover guy: \*gets hit with scones\* I can't get no satisfaction.). I crack up when I read **Unpopular Mechanics** (the mechanics fart). I wonder why they're unpopular. Mom keeps up on all the gossip in **Peephole** magazine (Mom: She's dating him now?). And dad takes **Reader's Indigestion** (he runs to the bathroom) into his...\*clears throat\* reading room (dad flushes the toilet).