recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Blood 36

**Chapter 36**

Richard and Berdine continue to explore Wizards' Keep, glossing over a bunch of uninteresting rooms and finding a handy-dandy glowing globe. They eventually find a library, but Richard declares that it's not what they're looking for. *“I don't know why, but it isn't.”* \~/

They come to another door with a magical shield on it, and Richard senses that this one is somehow different. I'm not taking a drink for Richard Just Knows since the force field *glows red* when he approaches, which, yeah, would tip me off as well. Anyway, Richard hugs Berdine – yes, really – and they shuffle through the force field with no ill effects, entering into a room with small niches in the walls and undescribed objects within said niches. Richard Just Knows \~/ that these objects are dangerous.

Randomly, Berdine decides to start a conversation about their relationship. Just like a woman, amirite, guys?

Guys?

Ahem. Anyway, the gist of the conversation is that Berdine has been teasing Richard about her being his favorite so he wouldn't think she disliked him, and thus perversely decide to fuck her. Given her previous boss, there's a certain logic to that. Richard, of course, would never do such a thing, and Berdine finally believes that after he heroically groped her back to sanity a few chapters back. Berdine, though, feels she hasn't been entirely honest with Richard, and wants to confess that she's in love with someone else, namely, Raina.

This bewilders Richard for a while – after all, girls can't love other girls, unless Berdine means like a sister. But no, Berdine insists that this is not like a sister, and what's more, Raina loves her back. We get a fairly well-written bit where Richard admits that he doesn't understand or approve of Berdine's lesbianism, but ultimately, it's not his place to approve or disapprove. If Berdine and Raina really do love each other, then more power to them. And I must give credit where it's due: Terry Goodkind, whatever his other faults, is not a homophobe, and I rather respect the fact that he decided to have Richard preach tolerance on this particular issue.

So, hats off to you, Terry. This time.

Oh, and we get another Richard Just Knows in mid-conversation there. \~/

Berdine then continues, saying that Richard has been unfair to Cara and Raina because of his justified distrust of Berdine (presumably referring to when he forced them to go topless for him). Richard acknowledges his error, and we get another Richard Just Knows. \~/ However, this time, Richard deduces that, by talking with and distracting him, Berdine has allowed him to be guided by his gift, this explaining why he keeps Just Knowing things he has no business knowing. Be that as it may, I'm still going to be taking drinks for Richard Just Knows, clumsy explanation or no.

Our Heroes find themselves in a large, round tower room with a deep pit at the center, and the chapter ends.

Drinks: 4

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Wizard 37

**Chapter 37**

Morning comes. Zedd eats, and it still isn't funny. Maybe I should add “Zedd eats and it's supposed to be funny” to the drinking game. Richard tells Zedd that Kahlan told him about her telling Zedd about what Shota said.

Zedd demands to know why, and it turns out that this was a trick: Kahlan didn't say any such thing, but Richard just confirmed that it had happened. He used Wizard's First Rule against Zedd. Zedd is impressed, claiming that Richard has passed the first test and could be a Wizard of the First Order. We learn that Giller is a wizard of the Second Order, and the nameless wizards who committed heroic suicide to help Kahlan were wizards of the Third Order. According to Zedd, *“They didn't have the gift. Just the calling.”* I'm not quite sure what the distinction is, and Zedd doesn't elaborate. I'm also not sure how a bit of verbal trickery proves that someone has “the gift,” but the book says so, so it must be true. Richard insists that he doesn't want to be a wizard.

Zedd muses that Richard must learn to control the gift but, again, doesn't go into detail. It seems that Zedd is past his Zany phase and now into his Irritatingly Mysterious phase. Eventually, I'm sure he'll find a phase that isn't an annoying cliché.

Actually, I lied. I'm not at all sure of that.

Richard complains that wizards are supposed to have beards, which Zedd doesn't, so Zedd magically grows a beard. This pointlessness sets things up for an infodump of magic. We learn that there are two kinds of magic, Additive and Subtractive (I presume that we'll learn about Multiplicational and Divisional magic in a later book). Additive magic, which Richard, Zedd and Kahlan all possess, adds to things. Subtractive magic removes them. Someone without Subtractive magic cannot unmake something, although they can reshape it. Darken Rahl can wield Subtractive magic, naturally.

Back to Rachel, who is thinking about how awesome Richard and Giller are and how horrible Kahlan was. She gets bit by some flies, and then a Fish swoops out of they sky. Cliffhanger!

Drinks: None.

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>
Temple 16

**Chapter 16**

Kahlan breaks down sobbing over the thought that she might betray Richard in some fashion, because she's a strong and courageous character. \~/

Is this a thing with Kahlan? Any time Richard appears to be in danger she sobs hysterically and uselessly? Because it's happened a few times now, and it is not endearing. I would expect better from someone as strong-willed and independent as the Mother Mindrapist allegedly is, especially given that she has lived her entire adult life knowing she could never have a romantic relationship. If this is supposed to make me feel bad for her, it fails.

Kahlan moans for a page as Richard comforts her, and it's all very nauseating – I mean, touching. Yeah, that. Richard has the idea to use the sliph to travel somewhere closer to Mudtropolis so they can be married there, because for some reason that's the only place they can be married.

Nancy, Kahlan's chaperone/maid, returns to change the dressing on her wound and Richard leaves. Nancy lectures Kahlan on being alone and unescorted with Richard, once again ignoring that Richard is their tyrannical overlord and Kahlan is the Empress of the Midlands and Queen of Galea and Kelton, and they can damn well do whatever they feel like. There's some oddly specific focus on the Mother Mindrapist's bed, which you may remember Kahlan had burned in a fit of pettiness, and which is possibly supposed to be meaningful.

Nadine comes in, and we waste a few paragraphs establishing that she's wearing the same dress as yesterday, and that it's been cleaned and slightly altered. Gripping. Nancy leaves.

Kahlan refers to the *“little shove”* Nadine said she gave Richard, implying that Richard told her all about it. Nadine blushes and, with Kahlan's prompting, admits that she *“knew how boys lost their heads over […] their lust,”* and *“figured that was my best chance of getting [Richard] to . . . lay claim to me.”* In short, she boinked Michael in a time and place where Richard was sure to walk in and catch them, somehow assuming this would drive Richard mad with lust. Failing that, she would get Michael, since he had “laid claim to her.”

Nadine belongs on Jerry Springer. She could give the guests someone to feel superior to. \~/

Nadine says she can't believe Richard told Kahlan, and Kahlan admits that he didn't: Nadine did, just now. Kahlan insults Nadine, calling her *“the stupidest woman I have ever met,”* and saying that she doesn't understand Richard at all. Nadine retorts that Kahlan would have done the same thing if she had to, and Kahlan declares that she would never do anything to hurt Richard, no matter the cost to herself.

That was fun.

Drinks: 2

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>
Dragonstone 45

**Chapter 45**

This chapter starts with a Nameless Messenger riding into Pendwyr, and we spend half a page on all the things he *doesn't* know, like the Jute warriors lurking in the Blue Moon, *"wait[ing] impatiently for the mutilators and slayers to return,"* and the kingsguards searching for whoever had murdered some other Jutes and left their corpses on the docks. This is McKiernan inviting us to giggle at how it looks to people who don't know what happened. It works about as well as you'd expect. \~/

We learn that our Nameless Messenger is delivering a message from High King Blaze to Lord Revor, and that he's covered twelve hundred miles in 26 days to accomplish this. He's shown in to Lord Otkins, the first understeward, who has had a busy day what with the prison break, the riot, and all the dead and injured. All thanks to Our Heroes, remember.

Otkins reads the message, wherein we learn that King Blaze has spoken with Vanidar, and he warns his steward that Arin may be coming to Pendwyr, and specifically that she may be accompanied by *"a yellow warrior woman."* \~/ If she does, the steward is to *"let her have whatever she wants."* Otkins resolves to keep an eye out for thus mysterious Elf, and goes back to bed.

Six drinks. \~/\~/\~/\~/\~/\~/

Drinks: 8

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>
Temple 10

**Chapter 10**

Kahlan and Nadine are pursuing Jagcard, who has slaughtered his way through the soldiers guarding the area. Sure is a good thing they were there, eh? All one hundred of them. Nadine insists that she's coming along to help, and I'm not sure whether that makes her brave or just stupid. Kahlan explains that *“If I can touch him, I can kill him.”* She also stops to explain that if Nadine is touching Jagcard at the same time, Kahlan won't hesitate and Nadine will die too, needs of the many, you know the drill. In any case, Kahlan recruits some Nameless Grunts from among the surviving soldiers, and off they go.

Also, Kahlan's left arm in injured and useless. Nadine reminds her to hold the wound shut, though why she doesn't take a second to rip off some fabric and bind it I don't know. Yes, they're chasing Jagcard, but he's already lost an arm; would ten seconds make that much of a difference?

Nadine and Kahlan and the Nameless Grunts continue to look for Jagcard as Kahlan infodumps the events of the previous books for Nadine's benefit. I think there's a little revisionist history there, but it's minor stuff and I don't care enough to double-check. They get to the sewers, because every video game needs a sewer level, and medieval sewer systems were so spacious and clean and *existent.*\~/

At every fork, half the Nameless grunts go left and the other half go right. Eventually it's down to our protagonists and two Grunts, so at the next fork the two Grunts go one way and Nadine and Kahlan go the other. Graceful, Terry, very graceful. There's a lot of tense exploration of wet tunnels and rats and water and God it's so tense I almost fell asleep. This goes on for about 2 ½ pages. Our Heroines end up in chest-deep running water somehow.

The chapter ends thusly:

*“Nadine turned to start out. Suddenly a huge shape erupted from the black depths. Water sluiced from Marlin as he bobbed up and snatched Nadine's ankle with his one hand. She shrieked as she was yanked feet-first into the inky water.”*

Drinks: 1

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>
Wizard 20

**Chapter 20**

We're back with Richard and Kahlan, who are creeping through the Narrows. They're finding the trail by the green light of the boundary-boundary. Shadows and armored pillbugs are chasing them. It's tense. Take my word for it.

The shadows start to catch up, so Richard (the trained woods guide) turns around and walks backwards, holding hands with Kahlan, who continues to press forwards.

There's something wrong about this course of action; I just know it. \~/

The shadows advance on Richard, and suddenly he realizes they're actually nice and kind and good, and not at all creepy, soul-stealing demons from the netherworld. He decides to go away with them, but he wants to bring Kahlan with him. Somehow, thinking of Kahlan snaps Richard out of the charm spell and he realizes the shadows are trying to lure him into the boundary. He goes apeshit and kills bunches of shadows (my 3rd Edition Monster Manual says the technical term for a bunch of shadows is a “swarm”).

But Kahlan is gone! Oh noes! The shadows must have killed her! Although, to Mr Goodkind's credit, Richard does not scream “Noooooo!”

Richard's father appears and offers to help him. He says Kahlan is safe and Richard can go to her. Richard, having overcome his earlier bout of idiocy, stabs the ghost and destroys it, then wanders on his merry way.

Jump to D'Hara! (Huh? What?) Darken Rahl is hanging out with buried-up-to-his-neck Carl. Rahl listens to Carl talk about his home life, and is friendly and sympathetic. He also implies that Carl's parents don't really love him or they wouldn't beat him with a belt. You know, for an Evil Overlord this guy's making a certain amount of sense.

Rahl promises to get Carl some blueberry pie, and has a nice chat with Denim. It turns out he's only pretending to be nice (gasps of surprise) because *“I must have his complete trust, the freely given pledge of his unconditional loyalty.”*

There's reference to a dragon, which Rahl has apparently coerced into his service. Denim also mentions that someone has hidden the tracer cloud. This isn't a problem, as it turns out Rahl can track Richard through the underworld shark tooth he wears.

Rahl feeds Carl some gruel, enchanted to taste like blueberry pie, through a “feeding horn.” And the chapter ends.

About time.

Drinks: 1

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>
Dragonstone 22

**Chapter 22**

We now flash back – yes, this is a flashback within a flashback – to The Day The Dragons Came. Dozens and dozens of dragons show up unexpectedly at Black Mountain, lead by two huge black dragons who flank a much smaller green dragon, the latter carrying a leather bag. The two black dragons are named Daagor and Kalgalath, and they waste some time bickering over position.

A mage comes out, and the dragons tell him that they want a favor: they want the mages to safeguard *“a thing”* and swear an unbreakable oath to never investigate it and keep it safe from everyone. In return, the dragons will leave Black Mountain alone.

The mage points out that he lacks authority to make binding agreements for all the mages, especially the ones on the island of Rwn, back on their home plane of Vadaria, and scattered o'er the land. Further, he quite rightfully want to know more about the mysterious object the mages would be safeguarding.

The dragons invite him to heft it, so he does one better by taking it out of the bag over their protests. It turns out to be a pale green, oval stone, six inches long and four across, which seems to glow. This causes all the dragons to roar and freak out until the mage re-bags the stone.

And because the description reminds me of a green jellybean, and because I am very juvenile, it is hereafter the Jellybean.

The mage wants more info. The dragons stonewall. The mage points out that he expects to know more about this artifact which dragons fear, else the dragons can just get the hell out. The small green dragon, Quirm, blurts out that *“We cannot sense it, Mage, and he who holds it and learns of its powers will command –”* before he is violently cut off by Daagor and Kalgalath. This inadvertently reveals that the dragons will only trust their weakest member to carry the Jellybean.

So the mages debate for three days, and then present their offer: they will guard the Jellybean and not investigate it, and in return, the dragons will no longer plunder any human, elf, dwarf, etc, communities. The dragons then debate among themselves for two weeks, during which time several of them leave. Eventually, after two and a half pages of fantasy legalese – yes, really \~/ – detailing what dragons are and are not permitted to do, and what the mages will and will not do, an agreement is finally reached.

Some indeterminate time later, the mages discovered that the Jellybean had disappeared from their vaults, and also that it was totally immune to magical detection. This would seem to be rather a big deal, and also a violation of their bargain with the dragons, but their collective reaction seems to have been a shrug. \~/

Drinks: 2

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>
Dragonstone 20

**Chapter 20**

We return to the present, where Alos says *“This talk of Wizards and of Foul Folk, I don't like it.”*

Arin wants to know if he *“Has . . . aught against Magekind? Against the Rupt?”* Why, no, I don't imagine Alos has any particular grievances against the race of inherently evil beings who exist solely to perform evil deeds and be fought by the good guys. It would be like asking if he has anything against influenza. \~/

Alos very conspicuously struggles to respond . . . and then someone's at the door. Arin apparently decides to blow off the old drunken geezer, because seriously, fuck him, right? \~/

Alos wants more wine. \~/

The knock at the door proves to be room service. Yes, really. It's a serving girl come with *“th' noon meal,”* because medieval five-star hotels offer medieval rooms service. I hope these people leave a good review on medieval Trip Advisor. \~/

The serving girl reacts to the sight of *“the yellow woman.”* \~/

After lunch, Egil refers to Arin as *“Lady Engel,”* which causes Samurai Chick to growl. Oh yes, a few chapters ago Samurai Chick insisted it was disrespectful for Egil to keep calling Arin by a cutesy nickname, which I can't argue with. Egil acknowledges this, noting that he gave his word and now has broken it twice. His explanation?

“ '*It's just that . . . just that” – he took a deep breath and then plunged on – 'you* are *my* engel, *Lady Arin.' ”*

“Yes, I know I've broken my word and been disrespectful toward you, the woman who saved my life, my social better, and a Perfect Elf, but . . .eh, whatever.”

\~/\~/

“*Of a sudden Arin felt her heart racing, and she turned her face from him and stared into the hearth as if seeking a portent, though no fire burned this warm day.”*

If you think this reads like a bad fanfic, you're not wrong. \~/ It *is* a bad fanfic. And it's only going to get worse.

So Egil's oathbreaking and flagrant disrespect is . . . ignored. Because reasons. \~/

We get back to our story with the important visual of Alos dropping his mug of ale, *“but it landed upright on its bottom, and although ale sloshed, none spilled out.”*

GRIPPING!

Drinks: 9

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>
Dragonstone 32

**Chapter 32**

And we're back with Alos, Egil, Arin and Samurai Chick as Egil expresses amazement that the two women killed an ogre. Arin – who, I remind you, is an immortal, centuries-old elf who has literally seen civilizations rise and fall, who has traveled from an actual, literal, physical Heaven to Mithgar, glances at Egil, *“her heart racing suddenly.”* She wonders *“Why does it please me so that he finds it astonishing?”*

Because you're a female character in poorly-written LotR fanfiction, Arin. That's why. \~/

Alos has a drink, in a disgusting manner, \~/ as the other three discuss how ogres can be killed (by a long fall, a big rock dropped on them, or a thrust in the eye, ear, or mouth, in case you're interested). Ogres' feet are also apparently soft, because a twelve-foot-tall creature that roams the mountains barefoot is going to have tender soles. \~/

This all serves to distress Alos, though we don't find out why and only Egil shows any hint of curiosity. Arin recites the “rede” again, and they ponder whether “One-Eye in Dark Water” could refer to Alos or Egil. Samurai Chick points out that it could still be *“the rotting pierced eye of a Troll,”* which eye she slaps down on the table. This, quite understandably, causes Alos to freak out; he insists that it's Egil they want, not himself, and runs away from the elf and her *“yellow cohort.”*\~/ To my mild surprise, Samurai Chick does not chase him down to abuse some more, although we are once again reminded that Alos is a hopeless drunk. \~/

Arin, Egil and Samurai Chick discuss peacocks, and then we learn from Egil that the Queen of the Jutes is mad, and might possibly be the *“mad monarch”* in the “rede” (though it wouldn't surprise me if these idiots tried to catch a monarch butterfly). Egil mentions that madness runs in the Juteish royal line, citing an earlier Queen of the Jutes who “once took a horse to her bed.” Also, there are supposed to be animals roaming the royal gardens of Jute.

Days pass, Thar continues to suck as a healer, and Arin continues to demonstrate that she's the best at everything ever. Finally, Egil tells Arin that he wishes to tell her of *“the vile Wizard Ordrune.”*

Drinks: 5

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>
Temple 1

**Chapter 1**

Welcome, faithful readers, to oh God let's just get on with it.

Kahlan and Cara are strolling along arguing over whether or not Cara gets to kill someone. Kahlan says that *“We can't just kill him. We need answers,”* and Cara reminds her that she, Cara, is a professional torturer. Kahlan doesn't object to the torture bit, instead telling Cara it's no longer her job.

This segues into talking about how terribadwrong Darken Rahl was, and how awesomesauce Richard is by comparison. *“[Darken Rahl] would kill people without even bothering to determine if they were really a danger to him. Richard isn't like that and neither am I.”*

Yeah, dangers like terrified old men. Or unconscious men. Or children. Or Richard's freaking brother, and no, I'm never going to let that go.

The conversation turns to Richard, as all things must, Richard being the supermassive suck hole at the center of this galaxy of awfulness. We learn that – much to Cara's disgust – Richard has been taming chipmunks and teaching them to eat seeds from the hands of his other Dominatrix torturer/bodyguards, Berdine and Raina. This important business is then dropped so we can get a two-page infodump summarizing the series and where we are now. We also get a description of the Mindrapists' Palace, including the crowds of people and the few remaining officials trying to keep order.

Kahlan notices a woman in the waiting area who has long brown hair, and finds out from one of the guards that her name is Nadine, she's here looking for her fiance, and she was told Richard could help her. Kahlan has Nadine put in a private room to await Kahlan's pleasure, and gives orders that she be shot dead if she tries to leave. Because . . . safety.

This done, Kahlan and Cara finally make their way to the room where the Mysterious Someone is being held. The corridor leading up to it is full of soldiers, all pointing pikes at the door: *“there had to be fifty pikes likewise aimed at the silent door.”* Because pikes are such great close-quarters weapons. \~/ And because it takes fifty soldiers, all crammed into a single corridor, to guard one prisoner. \~/

Kahlan and Cara squeeze past all the soldiers and into the room and finally meet the Mysterious Someone, who is lanky and has *“young eyes”* and wears an oversized soldier's uniform. He is also described with the oddly suggestive phrase: *“He seemed too spare, should he make the wrong move, to permit all the steel aimed at him to find a virgin patch to penetrate.”*

Kahlan shoos the soldiers out of the room, because leaving your head of state in a room with a stranger with unknown capabilities, accompanied by one single bodyguard, is just logical. \~/ She demands to know what he's about, and he politely requests his weapons back, then explains that *“I'm an assassin, sent by Emperor Jagang. I'm here to kill Richard Rahl.”*

I like him already.

Drinks: 3

Back to the Sword of Truth sporks  -  Next Chapter>
Dragonstone 65

**Chapter 65**

Doomy strolls casually down through his fortress as goblins and others try to contain the fire *"in the main building,"* passing through all the torture chambers. He comes to a heavily-secured iron door, beyond which is the sound of heavy breathing and *"angry skreighs,"* because "screeches" isn't obscure enough. Doomy quiets the whatsit with a spell, then unbars and opens the door to reveal . . . one of Tolkien's fell beasts. Seriously, it sounds like an evil, toothy pteranodon.

Doomy tells it he has a mission for it, and the chapter ends.

Drinks: None

<Previous Chapter - Next Chapter>
Wizard 24

**Chapter 24**

Back to Darken Rahl. He has been talking with Carl for “long days and nights,” presumably with Carl still buried to the neck in sand. Carl has now decided that he hates his parents and they are the enemy. He prefers to throw in with the guy who left him buried to the neck for several days.

Rahl remembers taking a girl to his bed and (it's implied) murdering her, just in case we forgot he was EVAL! for a minute there. \~/

Carl, having been thoroughly brainwashed, swears that he wants to help Rahl and will do whatever he has to, including die for him. This accomplished, Rahl kills him in a particularly bizarre way which I shall not go into here. Alas poor Carl; we hardly new him. Rahl takes two full pages to cast a spell that summons Carl's spirit from the underworld in the form of a Shinga, which is apparently an underworld beast. There's also a bit where we learn that Rahl is a vegetarian...I'm not sure if that's intended as some sort of slam or merely characterization, so I shall defer judgment.

And that's that.

Drinks: 1

<Previous Chapter  -  Intermission>
Blood 32

**Chapter 32**

Now we're with Kahlan, who is leaping dramatically from a wagon, rolling through the snow, and yelling for men to help her. A soldier is trapped under the wagon, screaming in pain. Kahlan, her minions, and Orsk hold the wagon up, and we finally get an explanation: the wagon *“grazed a piling holding back scree,”* which piling broke, things flipped around, and now Stephens the soldier is pinned under the wagon with an axle impaling him. Tragically, Stephens, whom we've come to know and love through the course of so many sentences – at least five or six – does not survive.

I'll give you all a moment to compose yourselves.

We learn that Cyrilla, Queen of Galea and former inhabitant of the Rape Pit of Rapiness, is still in a stupor and still panics at the sight of men. She has insisted that Kahlan assume her position as Queen of Galea, and Kahlan has reluctantly agreed. Kahlan, Cyrilla, Zedd, Orsk, Cyrilla's brother Harold, and bunch of soliders are now headed for Ebinissia, City of a Thousand Corpses.

And that's the chapter. It was five pages; I've summarized it in two paragraphs. I think we should end this with a salute to that fallen hero, the greatest character in the entire series . . . Stephens.

   *Requiescat in pace*, sir Stephens.

Drinks: None.

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>
Blood 13

**Chapter 13**

So here is the long-awaited Chapter 13, and first, I wish to apologize for the delay. In my defense, it's not because Chapter 13 is so bad, or so long . . . it's because it's so *boring.* Nothing freaking happens, and the dialogue is utterly useless on multiple levels. Reading this chapter feels like stuffing your mouth full of damp, lukewarm paper towels.

Anyway, on to the, er, “action!” All the Useless Nobles leave, but Richard has Brogan, Lunetta and Galtero stay because . . . they're Important Characters. Galtero, not being a complete moron, apologized to Richard for his earlier churlishness, which apology Richard accepts.

Richard then demands to know why Brogan has been abducting people. Brogan says they were just trying to find out what was going on in Aydindril, and specifically, the status of the Mother Mindrapist. There's some chatter where Brogan says how awesome it would be if she was still alive, and Richard repeatedly dismisses the idea. Under Richard's questioning, Brogan finally admits that he can't remember the Mother Mindrapist's name or appearance, although he realizes that this must be due to the death spell.

Brogan continues to say how great it would be for Richard if the Mother Mindrapist was somehow found alive, and how maybe Richard would marry her, and – wait; what? Where did that come from? Has Brogan somehow forgotten that Mindrapists are *feared and hated because they can rape your brain with a touch?* And that their husbands (whom the callously kidnap from their families) are lobotomized slaves? \~/ Richard finally tells Brogan to knock it off.

There's some pointless chatter that serves only to establish that Brogan rules Nicobaritaly in all but name, and Richard knows this. Richard tells Brogan that he is to stay at his palace until he decides to accept Richard's terms and surrender Nicobaritaly.

There's another bit of pointlessness (ye gods, this chapter is full of them) where Brogan gives Richard his knife and asks for a silver coin in return, saying it's a custom of his land and symbolizes his intent to comply with Richard's wishes. This is either foreshadowing some manner of nefarious coin-based doin's, or extremely ham-handed attempts to show Nicobaritaly's culture. I think you can guess which I'm betting on.

*More* pointless chatter (make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!) establishing that Richard knows Lunetta is a sorceress, with Brogan once again coming across as reasonable and Richard as less so. Honestly, if not for the Mad Inquisitor thing Goodkind keeps beating over our heads, I would have no problem with Brogan being the protagonist. He's by far the smartest and most reasonable person we have yet encountered. Heck, a novel about Brogan, Inquisition and all, would probably be a lot more interesting that what we have.

And with a final flair of pointlessness, this pointless chapter ends.

That was . . . *terrible.*

Drinks: One. You know why? Because *nothing freaking happened!*

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>
Blood 31

**Chapter 31**

Back now to the Big Stone Witch House, where Verna is waking up after a long night's IM chat with Hypocrite. She admires the beautiful sunrise, watches some ducks, and returns to her office where she manipulates two of her underlings into taking care of the stacks of paperwork she'd been dealing with up until now. Remember, open and honest communication = bad; deception and manipulation = good.

Verna goes looking for Warren, musing on how the Nuns have been studying prophecies for thousands of years, but it takes the super-special penis magic of a prophet to truly comprehend them, so the Nuns have been wasting their time. Nathan is the only prophet the Nuns have found in nearly a millennium, until Warren came along. Wow, prophets are really, fantastically, *unbelievably* rare. There's reference to Sister Becky, who is pregnant; not sure whether she will be relevant later,

Another Nun, Sister Leoma, tells Verna that Warren is gone. As in, packed up and left. Leoma couldn't stop him because Verna de-collared him, so he can move out of his parents' basement leave whenever he wishes. He's been gone for two days; he asked Leoma not to tell Verna for a few days so she couldn't drag him back. Well, that's the implication, anyway.

Verna realizes that her peremptory treatment of Warren probably drove him away, and she has the sads.

That was short and almost painless.

Drinks: None.

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>
Temple 29

**Chapter 29**

This chapter is boring.

It's suddenly established that *"only Richard and Kahlan . . . had heard what the dead boy had said,"* which makes no sense but whatever. Drefan says the corpse and the bedding need to be burned, and wants to know if Richard wants to make the knowledge of plague public or hush it up. He explains to Richard that if he wants to, the Lord Rahl can easily make up some excuse to have these people "imprisoned" and their possessions burned. By "imprisoned" I assume Drefan means "executed and buried in an unmarked grave," the Lord Rahl being a tyrannical autocrat and all.

Richard decides that keeping things quiet would be a bad idea, as word would inevitably get out and then no one would believe anything he said. Drefan warns him that *"news of plague will spread like a firestorm,"* reminding Richard of the words of Jagang's prophecy.

Richard breaks the bad news to Yorick, then asks to see all the other boys who were on his Murderball team, fearing that they might be sick as well. Richard and Kahlan then have a private chat, where Kahlan blubbers a bit and insists that she didn't know, blah blah blah. Richard tells her not to *"dignify Nadine's cruel lies with an explanation."* I have to say, while it may have been cruel, nothing Nadine said was actually untrue.

Richard then slams Nadine up against a wall and snarls at her that they were never going to be a couple, and if she is ever mean to Kahlan again, he's throwing her into the (empty) Rape Pit of Rapiness. Nadine *"smiled patiently,"* and generally treats Richard like a little kid throwing a tantrum, which makes me laugh.

Richard and Drefan have a conversation about disease, and we learn that no one knows exactly what causes it or how it spreads, but being near the sick people is dangerous, and it's possible to have the plague for two or three weeks before manifesting any symptoms. Richard & Co. might all be deathly ill just from being in the same room as Kip, and there's no way to know. There, I just summarized two pages of chatter.

Drinks: None. That was hardly terrible at all.

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Blood of the Fold

We now move on to Book 3, aka The Book With The Inquisition. This book features more angsting, sociopathic behavior, despicable protagonists, and internally contradictory magic. However, we now have a number of new additions, including: An Inquisition ripoff! More heroically sadistic Dominatrices! Aryan bodyguards! Nipple-centric magic! And of course . . . the single most terrifying concept in the entire series, bar none . . .

. . . wait for it . . .

. . . ***Emperor Richard.***

* Chapter 1
* Chapter 2
* Chapter 3
* Chapter 4
* Chapter 5
* Chapter 6
* Chapter 7
* Chapter 8
* Chapter 9
* Chapter 10
* Chapter 11
* Chapter 12
* Chapter 13
* Chapter 14
* Chapter 15
* Chapter 16
* Chapter 17
* Chapter 18
* Chapter 19
* Chapter 20
* Chapter 21
* Chapter 22
* Chapter 23
* Chapter 24
* Chapter 25
* Chapter 26
* Chapter 27
* Intermission - The Characters
* Chapter 28
* Chapter 29
* Chapter 30
* Chapter 31
* Chapter 32
* Chapter 33
* Chapter 34
* Chapter 35
* Chapter 36
* Chapter 37
* Chapter 38
* Chapter 39
* Chapter 40
* Chapter 41
* Chapter 42
* Chapter 43
* Chapter 44
* Chapter 45
* Chapter 46
* Chapter 47
* Chapter 48
* Chapter 49
* Chapter 50
* Chapter 51
* Chapter 52
* Chapter 53
* Chapter 54

Back to the Sword of Truth sporks
Wizard 35

**Chapter 35**

Having finished their pity party, Richard and Kahlan decide they need horses. They head for the nearest town, Horners Mill, where Kahlan intends to steal two horses. Oh wait; it's not stealing because she's the Mother Confessor. \~/

They reach the town and find it full of dead people. Written in blood on one of the buildings is *“Death to all who resist the Westland.”* They find some survivors, and learn that, yes, the town was butchered by Westlanders, although Richard refuses to believe it. Apparently the armies of D'Hara treated the townsfolk fairly and even left a detachment behind to protect them when they moved on, but the Westland armies slaughtered the D'Harans and committed various atrocities on the townsfolk.

Umm...aren't the D'Harans supposed to be the bad guys? Now I'm confused.

So Richard and Kahlan decide to heroically leave the survivors (an old man, a boy, two women and some girls) to their own devices in the ruined town full of rotting corpses – after they've been traumatized by the not-Westlanders – while they head on to Tamarang.

Back to Rachel. She's been hiding under trees with her no-longer-creepy doll Sara and her loaf of Doomsday Bread. She's lurking under a wayward pine and pondering her fate, when two strange people burst in. I'm going to go ahead and tell you it's Richard and Kahlan, and even though we're seeing them from Rachel's perspective, for the first time ever, Richard gets ZERO description, and Kahlan is only described as having long hair. That's it. They could be the Invisible Man and Cousin Itt. \~/

Rachel is terrified of Kahlan because she has long hair, and long-haired women are always trouble. Strangely enough, she warms right up to Richard, causing my estimation of her intelligence to drop. Oh wait; it's because all good people instinctively love the Sue. My mistake. \~/

Anyway, they eat fish and then Kahlan wants to have a slice of Rachel's Doomsday Bread. Rachel freaks out and says the bread is for her grandmother, who lives in...Horners Mill. There's an awkward silence, and then Richard explains that there's no one left at Horners Mill (except for the traumatized children you callously abandoned!), but not to worry! Richard and Kahlan will take Rachel with them to Tamarang to see the Queen! Isn't that a great idea?

Richard wonders whether this is a good idea (no doubt hoping to leave yet another child behind), to which Kahlan replies, *“We will see to her before I skin Giller.”*

Rachel, justifiably alarmed at this casual plan to torture and murder her friend, waits until Richard and Kahlan are asleep. She then sneaks away with Sara and her Doomsday Bread.

Drinks: 3

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Temple 28

**Chapter 28**

Nadine grab Richard's hand and leads him along, and they encounter Kahlan, Cara, and the Aryan Boys. Nadine glares at Kahlan, Kahlan eyes the hand-holding, Richard yanks his hand free, Nadine grabs it again. It's all very grade school. Richard and Kahlan catch each other up on what happened (the murderer has already been killed/Mardovia insists on remaining neutral).

Richard ponders sending Rei to conquer Mardovia before the Order can, but Kahlan says not to. Nadine glares at Kahlan, saying that she's heartless and doesn't care about the lives of innocent people, which is pretty much accurate. Cara pulls out her +5 Riding Crop of Pain, apparently ready to brutally assault Nadine for daring to contradict Kahlan, but Richard waves her off.

Nadine leads Richard to Yorick, the wee little boy from eariler, who is in tears because his brother is far worse. Nadine, correctly if rudely, points out that Yorick came to see Richard earlier but Kahlan sent him away. She says that Kahlan *"doesn't know what it's like to be poor and sick,"* which . . . yeah, that's actually true.

Richard says that Drefan can help, and for Yorick to lead them to his brother, and Nadine and Kahlan insist on coming along as well. We cut to the whole crowd of them parading through the slums, and another mention of Richard's war wizard's outfit. \~/

They reach Yorick's house, and finally get to his brother Kip. After a rather unpleasant description, Drefan says that Kip has the plague; he's already in an advanced stage and has no hope of recovery. Drefan tells the Dominatrices to get Richard out immediately. Richard, being Richard, insists on staying, and Kip dies at a dramatically appropriate moment.

But suddenly! The dead Kip's hand reaches out a grabs Richard's shirt! None of his bodyguards react to this in the slightest! Richard leans closer to the *undead plague victim clawing at his shirt* \~/ so Dead Kip can get in a dramatic post-mortem one-liner.

He tells Richard *"the winds hunt you,"* and the chapter ends.

. . . so what was the purpose of that? Who did it? Was it some outside force possessing Kip's body, or did some random kid from Aydindril's slums know about the prophecy? The latter seems unlikely, so who was it? Jagang? Satan? Darken Rahl? The Temple itself? Why did this happen? Why give Richard a warning by repeating what he already knows? Was it just for cheap drama?

It was for cheap drama, wasn't it? \~/

Drinks: 3

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Dragonstone 28

**Chapter 28**

Onward, Generic Elves, Onward! Back to the village of Poison, where the *“trembling villagers”* are dismayed to see the demons return. Samurai Chick is referred to as *“yellow”* \~/ and the Generic Elves trade gold for supplies, because again, tiny mountain villages need yellow metal more than, y'know, *food.* \~/

Travel montage!  \~/

Drinks: 2

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Dragonstone 14

**Chapter 14**

Arin and the Generic Elves now retrace their steps, riding back the way they came through Darda Galion. Mercifully, McKiernan chooses to summarize this. They come to Caer Lindor, a *“fortress isle, a legacy of the Elven Wars of Succession, a relic of the elder days, when neither man nor Fey nor Dwarf nor Mage nor aught other bestrode the world of Mithgar”*

Why is “man” not capitalized when the other race-names are?

“*and only the Elves walked the land, and they yet filled with madness.”*

So does this mean the Ancient Elves (a new series on the History Channel!) were literally insane? If so, how did they survive as a species, much less build fortresses, form civilizations, elect governments, and wage wars of succession? If not, is this just poetic-speak for “elves used to be aggressive and warlike like you dumb humans, but now they're so much better?”

So the modern, non-madness-filled-with elves are *not* aggressive and warlike. They just declare war over nine trees.

Either way, I'm taking a drink. \~/

While they're at Caer Lindor (amusingly, Google Translate tells me “caer” is Welsh for “fortress,” while “lindor” is Albanian for “east”) they encounter two *“Waerlinga.”* These are McKiernan's version of hobbits; they essentially *are* hobbits except that they lack the big hairy feet of the original variety, and have weird, jewel-toned eyes. Also, they are far more annoying that any Took or Brandybuck could ever hope to be.

These particular Nobbits spend their time squabbling with each other over nothing important. This amuses the elves, because bad writing. \~/

The Nobbits are rafting downstream for reasons that are irrelevant, and we learn that the map they bought from those selfish, greedy, lazy Rivermen doesn't show Bellon Falls, a thousand-foot waterfall about 60 miles downstream.

. . .

*WHY NOT??*

I don't care if the Rivermen are all greedy bastards; what possible benefit is there in selling obviously flawed maps to ignorant travelers? It's like selling a map of Arizona without the Grand Canyon; it's going to be blindingly obvious to anyone with even the slightest knowledge of the area. You're going to be found out really quickly. And even if not, what's the benefit? Say you send a handful of gullible fools over the falls (because you're a sociopath); how much salvage is there really going to be?

It seems like a poorly-thought-out plan that's doomed to failure. \~/

Anyway, the elves ride on and the chapter ends.

Drinks: 3

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Stone 10

**Chapter 10**

Okay, does anyone else think the Nuns are idiots? Rather than have a rational conversation with Richard, they pull some sort of ritual suicide nonsense and refuse to tell him the reasons why he should wear the Ramalamading'Han. Because the best way to persuade someone to do something is to give them an ultimatum without information, backed up by threat of DEATH and ENDLESS NIGHTMARES. Oh, and *Richard* has to dispose of the corpse after Nun #2 chose to off herself.

Keep in mind, they offer this choice to *children.* Assuming Richard is a fairly typical fantasy hero, he's in his twenties, and the Nuns expected him to be at most a third of his age. The Nuns offer this choice to **children** **younger than ten***.* And if the child refuses, as I should think most would (“Put on the collar and come away with the crazy ladies for however long they decide, and no you can't see your family again!”), one of the Nuns *kills herself in front of him.* And they ***make the child bury the corpse personally or suffer endless nightmares!***

Whatever scant sympathy I might have had for the Nuns has now completely evaporated. \~/\~/\~/\~/

Richard and Kahlan are sitting by the fire. Richard comments that he hates magic, and Kahlan persuades him that magic isn't inherently bad: the two people Richard loves most, herself and Zedd, have magic (and are both horrible people, she doesn't add).

Richard reiterates how Denna collared and tortured him, although I notice he leaves out the rape. Kahlan asks about the +5 Riding Crop of Pain, and Richard touches her while touching the Riding Crop. This hurts Kahlan...wait, the Riding Crop transmits pain through the holder? When did this happen? \~/

Richard suddenly gets all emo, and holds the +5 Riding Crop of Pain while explaining that it hurts him all the time. Yes, our “hero” is a masochist; isn't that lovely? \~/

Kahlan touches the Riding Crop itself (because, apparently, she's also a masochist) and we then get most of a page of Richard describing in detail how he was tortured. Still no mention of the rape.

However, Kahlan guesses that Denna *“took you for her mate,”* and Richard acknowledges this. Cue another page of torture-description, both of Richard and of Denna, and I *really* start to wonder about Terry Goodkind. \~/

And that's basically the chapter. The short, unpleasant, unnecessary chapter.

Drinks: 7

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Blood 37

**Chapter 37**

And now back to Brogan and Lunetta, who are traveling with five Misters, and Brogan is pondering why God would use messengers as ugly as lizardmen. We also learn that the Misters have a Bad Nun with them, which Brogan doesn't like because she's a witch and therefore evil. However, Lunetta is confident she could take her in a fight.

Back to Richard and Berdine, who are heading downstairs. They encounter a Mister – well, what seems to be a hologram of a Mister. Misters can project holograms of themselves? And somehow get into Wizard's Keep? I suppose that could be explained by their possession of Minus Magic, since Minus Magic seems to instantly negate any Plus Magic defenses, regardless of how either is employed (which makes no sense, but never mind that for now). But it turns out the Mister is really there, and just looked holographic because of its cloak.

The Mister asks whether Richard has come to *“wake the sliph,*” which question Richard doesn't answer. It also establishes that the name for the Mister's stupid blades-between-the-fingers weapon is *“yabree.”* *“When the* yabree *sing, it will be the time of the queen.”* Also, Richard is needed to help the queen, whom I assume is *not* Queen Elizabeth of Majendieland.

Richard and Berdine casually stroll on, reaching the bottom of the tower, where they find a doorway that has been exploded real good, apparently fairly recently. Inside the room is something resembling a large well, along with a skeleton and – conveniently enough – a journal, written in a dialect of High D'Haran over two thousand years old, and which Berdine is not familiar with. In an admittedly clever bit, Richard says they could use the High D'Haran copy of *The Adventures of Bonnie Day* to figure out some of the words (since Richard has the entire book committed to memory) and thus use it to translate the journal. Not sure that would be as easy as it seems, but it's not a terrible idea.

Richard and Berdine rejoin the other Dominatrices and the Aryan Boys, and Richard does indeed apologize for distrusting them earlier. They depart the Keep, encountering Cannibal Granny and Creepy Little Girl from earlier. Their names prove to be Valdora and Holly, respectively, because consistent naming systems are for losers and liberals. In a pointless bit, Richard takes six more honey cakes and declares that this squares their debt, and the chapter ends.

Drinks: None.

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