Hard-Boiled Ed

**Hard-Boiled Ed** is episode 78a of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on December 15, 2001.

## Synopsis

Principal Walker is extremely bored, but when he notices a deadly wasp has entered the school, he manipulates Constantinos into touching it. When he does it, Constantinos' brain gets fried, and the wasp attaches itself to his head, turning him into a mindless lunatic!

## Cast

* Gary Sauls as Constantinos and Mr. Goodman
* Mike Pollock as Principal Walker
* Josh Peck as Eric
* Wayne Grayson as Joey
* Andrew Rannells as Frank Gargano and B. Roadcast
* Tress MacNeille as Linda Gargano
* Dee Bradley Baker as Blue Wasp
* Eric Stuart as Gurney
* Edward Felker as Walt Walker

Edward, Stanley and Dallas make silent cameo appearances. Ivan technically does not have any dialogue, as his only "lines" are a hum and a scream.

## Trivia

* This episode premiered as part of both the Gimme 6 event and the 2001 Holiday Sock Party.
* The title is obviously based on hard-boiled eggs.
* In several countries, the scene where Constantinos gets stung by the wasp was shortened, or even outright removed in some cases, in order to prevent the risk of seizures.
* This marks the first on-screen appearance of Constantinos' parents.
* In real life, an hour-long flight from Eastern Europe to the United States would (obviously) be impossible.
* Walker's remark about hoping the airplane blows up was cut out in early airings due to the episode premiering three months after 9/11. Felker stated this was completely unintentional, as the episode was produced several months before.
* This episode is available to watch on the Stories to Share DVD and the Season 4 Volume 1 box set.
* **Credits:** Constantinos and Walker making prank calls. At the end, they realize they forgot to turn off their caller ID, and police sirens are heard.

### Errors

* Gurney's outline is extremely thin in this episode.
* There are barely any frames between Constantinos laughing and Walker grabbing him by the tongue.
* Walker's height is greatly inconsistent throughout the episode.

## Transcript

(The episode opens with a clip art of Walker floating in space)

**Principal Walker:** (narrating) So that's how my dream went, Doc. My lifeless body floating around in the inky depths of a void, anticipating for the school semester to wrap up. When suddenly I realize, I'm in outer space - drifting into eternal nothingness.

(Cut back to reality, where he's in his golf cart)

**Principal Walker:** Round and round, endlessly. And if that's not bad enough,

(Fade back to the imagination sequence, where other clip arts of select students are floating around as well)

**Principal Walker:** THE STUDENTS JOIN IN TOO! (cut back to reality) And I wanna yawn, but I can't do that (he yawns as he waves his hand over his mouth) thing with my hand, because you can't ***BREATHE IN SPACE!!!!!!***

(The camera pans out to reveal he's in a MacDouglas' drive-thru)

**Principal Walker:** (he grabs Gurney - the employee - by his collar, and repeatedly shakes him) DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!

**Gurney:** (nervously) No! Come on, sir, you're in a MacDouglas' drive-thru.

(The cars behind him honk)

**Principal Walker:** Oh. (takes out his wallet) So how much do I owe you?

(Camera immediately cuts to Walker parking his cart in the school's parking lot, and he sits down on a bench to eat his lunch)

**Principal Walker:** (mumbling while eating) Stupid friggin' cashier, doesn't he know I'm so bored of this city? (he smacks his lips as he chews on his burger and fries)

(He finishes his lunch, and he stomps across the courtyard)

**Principal Walker:** (singing loudly) BORING BORING BORING! THIS STUPID SCHOOL IS BORING! I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW BORING IT IS!

(Suddenly, he stops in his tracks once he notices Joey and Eric next to something)

**Joey:** (from a distance) Yeah, whatever.

**Principal Walker:** Hmmm.

(He slowly approaches them)

**Principal Walker:** Whatchu boys up to?

(The camera focuses on a blue wasp flying around)

**Joey:** Looking at this wasp that must've escaped from the park.

**Principal Walker:** (cut back to him) Oooooh! A blue wasp with a poisonous stinger! So, uh, what are you guys gonna do?

**Eric:** Run from it.

(Eric books it, but then Walker grabs him by the back collar)

**Principal Walker:** WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! It's a wasp!

**Joey:** So?

**Principal Walker:** Sooooo...PICK IT! TOUCH IT! POKE IT WITH A STICK! Anything! Take a risk.

**Joey:** Are you kidding me? That's a rare Blue Texan Double-Fisted Honey-est Ouchus Wasp. One sting, and it fries your brain. (under his breath) Which explains Eric.

**Principal Walker:** COME ON! Touch it, touch it, TOUCH IT! (takes out his wallet again) What will it take?

(He tosses crumpled dollar bills at them)

(Constantinos happens to be passing by, and he walks up to them)

**Constantinos:** Hey, guys. What's going on? Giving money away?

**Joey:** Nah. (points to the wasp) Walker wants us to touch that deadly wasp over there.

**Principal Walker:** Whatever, you won't know if it's deadly until you touch it. (to Constantinos) Why don't YOU do it? You're the one who wanted to know what's going on.

(The wasp activates its stinger)

**Constantinos:** Uhh...no thanks. (he walks away, but Walker turns him back around by snapping his neck backwards)

**Principal Walker:** TOUCH IT!

**Joey:** He ain't touching it.

**Eric:** Even *I* know he doesn't take risks.

**Constantinos:** (feeling insulted) Hey! I AM a risk taker.

(Beat)

**Constantinos:** 'Cause I never run to my bed after turning the hallway lights off.

**Joey:** So what? You're already boring, with a capital B.

(Walker whispers something into Constantinos' ear)

**Constantinos:** Well, I'm not scared of touching it! (Walker whispers into his ear again) You want me to touch it?! (and again) Then *I* will touch it!

(Constantinos reluctantly approaches the wasp, and he looks back at Walker)

**Principal Walker:** (anticipating what's about to happen) Yes, yes, c'mon, you can do it!

(He turns his head back, and he gives the wasp a slight poke. Before he knows it, he gets zapped, causing him to scream bloody murder as a large, flashing surge of electricity is released. Joey gags at the sight, while Eric's mouth opens wide in shock. Eventually, the wasp hops onto Constantinos' head and sticks itself onto there. Walker cheers hysterically)

**Principal Walker:** I never thought I'd tell you this, Constantinos, but that was AMAZING!

**Joey:** Constantinos? Are you ok?

**Constantinos:** YEAH! LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!

**Joey:** (sighs) I knew it. His brain is worse than ever.

**Constantinos:** (collapses and flops like a fish) PEANUT BUTTER BANANA SHORTCAKE!!!!

(Both him and Walker burst into laughter)

**Principal Walker:** Ya know, Constantinos-

**Constantinos:** (quickly rises up) CRAZY!!!!

**Principal Walker:** Ok then, Crazy. You have no idea how bored I was up until you got that wasp on your head!

**Constantinos:** YEAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!

**Principal Walker:** (hops on his golf cart) Let's do more insane things!

**Constantinos:** (spins around like a boomerang before settling down in the passenger seat) CRAZY! MY MIDDLE NAME! (laughs as his head spins around, and his neck twists into knots)

**Principal Walker:** First, we'll short-sheet everyone at the nursing home. And then we'll do the most evil thing: order fries with no salt at MacDouglas' so the staff can cook a new batch, and we'll put in our own salt!

**Constantinos:** YEAH! EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD IS OUR GAME!

**Principal Walker:** And that's only the beginning! (raises his voice) LET'S RIIIIIIDE!

(The golf cart neighs like a horse and gallops away)

**Joey:** Wow. Now that, was something.

(Beat)

**Joey:** (walks away) I gotta do laundry.

**Eric:** (heads off with him) Good, my pants are kinda brown.

(Cut to Ivan exiting the Gym showers, with a towel wrapped around his body. He hums as he reaches for a hand towel, which Constantinos quickly replaces with sandpaper. Ivan rubs it against his face, and he loudly screams upon somehow realizing his face has been removed. Constantinos and Walker laugh hard)

**Constantinos:** FUNNY!

(The camera transitions to a few Jocks swimming in the Gym's pool. Suddenly, the water turns red. Travis dips his finger into the water, and everybody screams bloody murder - literally)

**Principal Walker:** HEY! YA WANT SOME ***TOMATO JUICE?!!?*** SORRY! ALL OUT!

(He and Constantinos laugh. While Constantinos is laughing, his tongue stretches out)

(Camera immediately cuts to the Lakeside City News)

**B. Roadcast:** We interrupt this program with the big question on everybody's minds. No, not what language you would think in if you were born deaf, but what - or who - is terrorizing the residents of Lakeside! We now bring you to Walt Walker, in downtown.

**Walt Walker:** Thank you, B. Roadcast. I'm Walt Walker, live on the scene with an unfortunate victim of the pranks from mysterious culprits. (we see Chip next to him) Sir, when you were in the bathroom this morning, what spewed out of the toilet?

**Chip:** (sadly barks)

**Walt Walker:** He says tomato juice, which is no smell any dog should go through. This reporter couldn't agree more. Though none of us have any idea what a dog is.

(The camera pans out to reveal Walker and Constantinos watching the news from the teacher's lounge while eating donosaur-shaped chicken nuggets and fries in the shape of smiley faces. Both laugh)

**Constantinos:** CRRRRRAAAAAA-ZYYYYYYY! (swirls his tongue around his lips and bites off a chunk of the table)

(Suddenly, Mr. Goodman's hand is seen, turning off the TV with the remote)

**Principal Walker:** Hey, what gives?!

**Mr. Goodman:** I've been receiving complaints of you two from all over. I'm *very* disappointed. Especially you, Constantinos; I expect MUCH better behavior from you.

**Principal Walker:** Leave the kid alone. By now, he's the son I never had. (eats a nugget) Sounds like SOMEone could use some chicken tendies!

**Constantinos:** Peanut butter... (reaches his arms to grab the fridge, which he tosses to the wall) CRAZY! (giggles)

**Mr. Goodman:** Oh, that's the final straw! You're done. Go to your office right now, Gaylord!

**Principal Walker:** But-

**Mr. Goodman:** Go take a nap to calm down.

**Principal Walker:** B-but I haven't finished my tendies!

**Mr. Goodman:** Now, or no more dessert before lunch!

(Walker sadly leaves the teacher's lounge)

**Constantinos:** RIDE 'EM, SHERIIIIIIIIIFF!!!!!!! (falls backwards and kicks his feet in the air as he breathes in a weird way)

**Mr. Goodman:** (points his finger at him) And *you* are in big trouble, young man.

**Constantinos:** Cuckoo crazy o' clock! (he takes out a wooden mallet and smacks his head with it, only for his entire body to shatter to tiny pieces. He rapidly reassembles himself back to perfect condition and laughs, springing across the room)

(Cut to Walker's office)

**Principal Walker:** (settles down on his swiveling chair) Huh. Send me to my room like I'm a baby. Hmph!

(He falls asleep in his chair, and not even half a second later, he starts sucking his thumb)

(Suddenly, his desk is sent flying, followed by a metal cabinet)

**Principal Walker:** Huh?! (he levitates to the roof as well) AAAAUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

(It turns out Constantinos managed to flip the entire office upside down, and he laughs)

(Cut to both walking out of the office)

**Principal Walker:** That was *not* funny. You have crossed the line. I'm getting Goodman over here and-

(As soon as they enter Mr. Goodman's office, Walker screams at something)

**Principal Walker:** Timothy?!

(It turns out Mr. Goodman has been erased, and the only traces of him are a rip in the animation and eraser marks)

**Principal Walker:** TIMOTHY!!!! (glares at Constantinos, who is holding a pencil)

**Constantinos:** Crazy! (laughs maniacally)

(Walker stretches his arm above, and his arm reaches Chatterbox's HQ, where it leaves a storyboard panel. He steals a pencil from Edward Felker's desk and drags his arm back into Lakeside)

**Principal Walker:** I'm coming, Timothy! (draws Mr. Goodman back to life)

**Mr. Goodman:** That was *not* funny.

(Constantinos laughs hard, and Walker kicks him out)

**Principal Walker:** You were fun when you were crazy. But now you're just CRAZY!

**Constantinos:** (laughs again and spins his neck around) CRAAAAAA-ZYYYYYY!!!!

(The next day, Principal Walker is in the teacher's lounge, and he's venting to someone again; this time, he's talking to Mr. Tuggy)

**Principal Walker:** In the dream, I'm a party balloon, and the party is over. My string breaks. I'm drifting across the house, directionless. What do you think it means, Doc?

(Beat)

**Mr. Goodman:** (walks in) Phone call, sir.

**Principal Walker:** (puts Mr. Tuggy in his pocket) Excuse me, Doc, I gotta take this.

(As they head to Walker's office, Walker is constantly singing the same song from the beginning of the episode)

**Mr. Goodman:** It sounded like an urgent call, sir.

**Principal Walker:** (once they arrive, he picks up the phone) Principal Walker here. (gibberish is heard on the other end) Ooh, am I to assume you assume that he's at this school? Uh, hold, please. (sets the phone down) Hey Goodman, do you know anyone around here named Constantinos?

**Mr. Goodman:** Constantinos is the student you've been having the time of your life with, sir.

(Walker gives him a clueless stare)

**Mr. Goodman:** That student, with the wasp, on his head.

**Principal Walker:** Oh. (back on the phone) So you wish to speak to him, eh? Yeah, well, there's rules around here, sister! Students are NOT allowed to get on the horn! "Since when"? Since just NOW! (as he goes on, Mr. Goodman continuously signals him to stop) Oh yeah? Well, why don't you come on down here?! Oh, you don't like that, huh? WELL, I DON'T GIVE A- Well, I'd like to see you too, missy! Ok! Ok, sure! How fast can you get here? An hour flight, you say? Good! ***THAT PLANE BETTER BLOW UP!!!!!!***

(He slams the phone down and chuckles)

**Principal Walker:** Say, who did you think that was anyway?

**Mr. Goodman:** That was Constantinos' parents, sir!

**Principal Walker:** (his pupils shrink in terror) C-C-C-C-Const-stan-tin...

(He ducks his head into his body like a turtle. Inside, he screams bloody murder, and then he sprouts it back out)

**Mr. Goodman:** Sir, we can't return Constantinos to his parents the way he is!

**Principal Walker:** We can't?

(Walker takes a look out of the window. Constantinos is rapidly spinning in circles, but once he trips and falls, we see live-action stock footage of a nuclear explosion)

(Once it clears, we see the entire school destroyed, and Walker covered in burns)

**Principal Walker:** Do you think they'll notice the difference?

**Mr. Goodman:** *You* made him this way for your own enjoyment! It's *your* job to change him back!

(In the boys' dorm, Constantinos is shaking and punching a vending machine, trying to get it to work. Walker approaches him)

**Principal Walker:** Hey, uhh...wasp head...uhh...your parents are coming from their home country to drop by. So, it's time to get that wasp off your head, and go back to your normal self.

(Constantinos laughs in response. His tongue stretches out, but then Walker grabs it)

**Principal Walker:** (deadpan) Yeah, ha ha ha. Come on, you heard me. Take it off.

**Constantinos:** (laughs) Stinkwad!

**Principal Walker:** WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!!? Why you little- I'll just take it off myself!

(Walker grabs the wasp, but it immediately stings him. He gets burned down to a pile of ashes. Constantinos laughs once more)

**Constantinos:** Toasted! (bounces away, yelling out gibberish)

**Principal Walker:** (regenerates and chases after him) Come back here, you renegade bone zapper!

(A car is seen zooming down a road. It drives past a sign that reads "LAKESIDE CITY SCHOOL: 3 Miles Away")

(Walker tries removing the wasp with gloves on, but it refuses to get off)

(The car is getting closer)

(Walker inflates the wasp with air, but nothing happens)

(The car gets even more closer to the school)

**Principal Walker:** (cries) Please, Constantinos! Your parents are coming!

(Constantinos spins his head around)

**Constantinos:** YACKA-FLACKA-MACKA-DING-DONG! WACKA-GACKA-PING-PONG!

**Principal Walker:** Alright, you leave me with no choice. If you're not going to become Constantinos, (takes out a laundry machine) I'll spin-cycle you until you're boring again! And dead!

**Constantinos:** Crazy man. ***I LIKE IT!!!!!!!!***

**Mr. Goodman:** (walks in) Uhh, sir, Constantinos' parents are coming through the gate.

(Walker's eyes widen)

**Mr. Goodman:** Sir, what are you doing with that washing machine?

(Walker runs out of the boys' dorm and to his office, dragging Constantinos and Mr. Goodman with him)

**Principal Walker:** Quick, Goodman! Get me some crayons and a paper bag!

(The car parks at the parking lot, and silhouettes walk up to the school building)

**Eric:** (looking out from one of the windows with the rest of the students) Uh oh. Here comes Constantinos' parents.

**Joey:** Walker is in for it now.

**Principal Walker:** (exits his office with Constantinos, who has a paper bag over his head, which has a scribble of his face on it) Move outta my way. Coming through. Depressed, non-crazy Constantinos wants to see his parents!

**Joey:** He's gotta be kidding.

(The silhouettes are seen through the front door's windows)

**Principal Walker:** (clears his throat) Howdy, parents! (chuckles) Welcome to Sakeside Lity Chool. I mean, GoCity School. I mean, Lakeside City School. Here's your son, all safe and so-

(Suddenly, the door opens, causing a bright shine of white light to eclipse everybody. Everybody is in shock. Once the light clears, a wasp with a stubble, brown fedora, brown suit and green tie flies in)

**Mr. Gargano:** Constantinos? What has this school done to ya, son? (removes the bag, revealing the blue wasp, still attached to his head; gasps) Charlie!

**Blue Wasp:** Frank!

**Mr. Gargano:** (chuckles) What are ya doing on my son's head?

**Blue Wasp:** This is your son? I'll be darned! Hey, help me down.

(Mr. Gargano does so, which reverts Constantinos back to normal. Mrs. Gargano, who is a pink wasp with red lipstick, flies in)

**Mr. Gargano:** Look, Linda! It's Charlie! (deadpan) And Constantinos.

**Constantinos:** What happened? I have the worst headache.

**Principal Walker:** Trust me, you don't want to know.

**Mrs. Gargano:** Constantinos, honey!

**Constantinos:** (confused) Hi, Mom.

**Mrs. Gargano:** (hugs him, which electrocutes him and makes him scream loudly) Come here and give your mama a hug!

**Blue Wasp:** You guys oughta pull your son outta this school. This principal ain't the sharpest stinger in the nest, if you catch my drift.

**Mr. Gargano:** Let's go, Constantinos! (they fly back to the car)

**Blue Wasp:** Hey Frank, could you drop me off at the flower field on the way?

**Mr. Gargano:** Of course!

**Constantinos:** Well, Principal Walker, I'm not quite sure what happened today. Except for an odd taste of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets in my mouth, I have no recollection.

**Principal Walker:** Constantinos, my boy, all you need to know is that I may or may not have underestimated you.

**Constantinos:** Um, ok.

**Mrs. Gargano:** (offscreen) Come on, Constantinos! We've got dinner waiting at the hotel!

**Constantinos:** Coming. (leaves the building)

**Mr. Goodman:** Constantinos?

**Constantinos:** (turns his head back) Yeah?

**Mr. Goodman:** (salutes) Good luck, soldier.

(Constantinos enters the car's back seats, and he closes the door. Mr. Gargano starts the engine, and it drives off)

**Mrs. Gargano:** Let's play Patty Cake!

**Constantinos:** No, no!

(He gets electrocuted and screams)

**Mrs. Gargano:** Patty Cake!

(And again)

**Mrs. Gargano:** Patty Cake!

(And again)

**Mrs. Gargano:** Baker's man!

(And again. The camera cuts to Lakeside's skyline as more zaps and screams are heard)

(Iris out)

("The End" screen)

(Episode ends)