Anaconda

*Todd plays "Anaconda" on the piano*

***NICKI MINAJ - ANACONDA
A pop song review***

**Todd**: BUTTS!

*Clips of "Anaconda" play*
**Todd (VO)**: Butts! Butts! Butts! Butts! Lots of butts, piles of butts, miles of butts, butts as far as to be seen with the naked butt! Great big gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher butts! Asses and rear ends and back doors and butts!

**Todd**: *[inhales and sighs]* Butts. *[Image of the word BUTTS in big capital letters appears, accompanied by the sound of a gun shot]*

*Clips of Jennifer Lopez feat. Iggy Azalea - "Booty"...*
**Iggy**: Got a big booty...
**Todd (VO)**: It's never a bad year for butts, uh, this has been a pretty good year for butts. It's like a butt buffet. Buttfet. I, I, I guess I've been working up to this; we've gone from... *[...Taylor Swift - "Shake it Off"...]* tangentially butt-related to... *[...Meghan Trainor - "All About That Bass"...]* explicitly butt-centered and, *[...back to "Anaconda"]* now we may as well tackle the bootiest song around! It's time to address the "elebutt" in the room.

**Todd:** And of course it has to come, from Nicki...

**Nicki Minaj**: Boy toy named Troy, used to live in Detroit.
**Todd (VO)**: You know it's weird, I've never given a Nicki Minaj song a full review. I, I guess that's my fault, I've been neglectful. Well, let me fix that by reviewing a Nicki Minaj song right now.

**Todd**: It's. Awful. It's disgusting, it's gross pandering and it makes Nicki Minaj sound like a complete idiot. I hate this song. And I should clarify here that by this song, I of course mean...

*Clip of "Starships"*
**Todd (VO)**: ..."Starshits". That single from 2012 which I am still hearing all the time and just keeps getting worse. It's just an utter sellout turd of a song that once and for all turned Nicki Minaj into the bland, gutless pop star she has been trying to be for so long. Even the thought of her singing "I love to dance" turns my stomach!

**Nicki**:...the floor, floor. I love to dance.
*Clip of* The Simpsons *- "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"*
**Malibu Stacy**: Don't ask me; I'm just a girl. Ha ha.
*Clip of "Superbass"*
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, that's always been my biggest problem with Nicki—just how readily she seems willing to make pretty pop songs instead of the fire-spitting that made her famous. And I wanna make clear: I dislike her becoming a shallow pin-up pop starlet, not because that's a bad thing to try to be...

**Todd**: ...but it's because she's not very good at it!

*Clip "Your Love"*
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, she seems like she would be. She sings pretty well, looks pretty good but, you can always tell it's not her.

*Clip of Ludacris feat. Nicki Minaj - "My Chick Bad"*
**Nicki**: Friday the 13th. Guess who's playing Jason
**Todd (VO)**: Her whole appeal is that she's angry and weird and aggressive.

*Clip of Nicki Minaj feat. Rihanna - "Fly"*
**Nicki**: I wish today it will rain all day
**Todd (VO)**: You can *always* tell she's wasting her talent when she makes music like this. Like, even if Michael Jordan did get good enough to go pro...

**Todd**: ...at baseball, is that what you wanna be doing?

*Clip of Michael Jordan shooting a hoop at basketball*
**Todd**: Exactly. *[Clip of Nicki Minaj feat. Sean Garret - "Massive Attack"]* And goddamn, we need somebody like Nicki when she's on. All the really good big-name rappers right now, *[Clip of Drake - "Marvins Room"]* like Kanye, Drake, Kendrick, even Jay-Z in his old age, they're all moody and introspective. *[clip of Wiz Khalifa - "It's Nothin"]* And then you got all the regular "bling 'n' bitches" rappers who just talk about spending money, and it's all the same old shit. No one's shaking anything up. The most controversy a rap song caused in the past year, *[Clip of Macklemore peforming "Same Love" at the Grammys]* was by supporting gay marriage! *[clip of DMX - "What's My Name"]* Where are the guys like DMX or Snoop Doggy Dogg, people who would scare your mom? There's no one like that. Not even just in hip-hop: in any genre. *[Back to "Anaconda"]* So if Nicki Minaj makes an aggressive, filthy song that legitimately is edgy and shocks people, I'll take it!

**Todd**: And I have to admit: I was brought on board just by the music video. Not the official one, but...

*Lyric video for "Anaconda" plays*
**Todd (VO)**: ...the lyric video she released as a preview. Because it has one of the most bizzare, out-of-left-field pop culture references...

**Todd**: ...I think I've ever seen.

*Clip of the lyric video's reference to* Mystery Science Theatre 3000 *is played.*
**Nicki**: He loove this fat ass.
*[Braying laugh]*
**Todd (VO)**: Guys. That's Mike and the bots from *Mystery Science Theatre 3000*.

**Todd**: There is only one person in the world, who cares equally about Nicki Minaj and *Mystery Science Theatre 3000*, and that person, is me.

**Todd (VO)**: This video was made for me!

**Todd**: Thank you, Nicki Minaj, have some *Mystery Science Theatre* quotes in return!

*"Anaconda" video plays over a quote from the MST3K review of* "Space Mutiny"
**Tom Servo:** Ahhh, she's presenting like a mandrill! Ugh!
**Todd**: But even ignoring that, I endorse this song. I mean...

**Todd (VO)**: ...let's make hip-hop provocative again. And seeing all the pearl-clutching that's going on, "ooooh, she's showing off her butt," well, honestly, that only makes me like her more, so if you expect me to get up here and tell you I hate "Anaconda", well, sorry...

**Todd**: ...I like angry Nicki; I like her flow, I like her ferocity...

**Todd (VO)**: ...I like that she's blunt and makes people this uncomfortable, play it! Uh, yeah. Don't like it, deal with it.

**Todd**: Whenever I hear this song, I just have to get... *[Todd begins to struggle for words]* it makes me feel... okay, fine, you got me; it's a complete train wreck.

**Todd (VO)**: Like... it's a complete disaster. This isn't an earworm, it's an ear-*[close-up of...]* piranha—eating chunks of you, leaving behind blood and carnage as it digs its way into your brain cavity. It's...it's a mess.

**Todd**: But I still stand by everything I said.

**Todd (VO)**: Given the option of listening to prettier songs like "Shake It Off" or "All About That Bass", I prefer this. I'd rather listen to Nicki rap about her ass than *[clip of...]* Meghan Trainor rap about hers. And speaking of "All About That Bass", because "Anaconda" is also about a female singing about her butt, it's been subject to all the same debates as "All About That Bass": *[Screenshot of Awkward Agent article: "Nicki Minaj and 'Anaconda' Are NOT Feminist"]* You know, is this feminist, is this not feminist? Is this a brave celebration of female sexuality or is she just selling her body to a bunch of drooling dudes? Yeah, I've absorbed both sides in this, and I'm not saying either argument is wrong, but in this case, I think the weight of evidence comes down pretty firmly on one side.

**Todd**: Is it feminist or not? Here's the answer: *[Close up of Todd shouting into his microphone]* I DON'T CARE!

**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, I know, I'm that guy who overthinks everything, but if I'm allowed to not try and find a deeper meaning of any song, can it be this one? Please?!

**Todd**: I mean, you realize what song we're talking about, right?

**Nicki**: He love this fat ass
*[Braying laugh]*
**Todd**: *[motioning "see?!"]* The point of this song isn't to have a political message about sex or body image or feminism or whatever the hell. There's only one point to this:...

**Todd (VO)**: ...to assault your standards of good taste. Everyone,...

**Todd**: ...you're being trolled.

*[Trollface pasted over Nicki's head and the back-up dancers' butts]*
**Nicki**: He love this fat ass
*[Braying laugh]*
**Todd**: Now, like I said, this song is painful to listen to; I don't expect everyone to like it.

**Todd (VO)**: If there *weren't* a lot of people who utterly hated it, it would've been a failure. But let's list all the reasons it's pissing everyone off.

**Todd**: First off, it's based on a sample, and the great thing about sampling is that it changes the meaning of the original source...

*Clips of "O.P.P.". by...*
**Todd (VO)**: ...like the way Naughty by Nature took the *[brief clip of "ABC" by...]* Jackson 5's bubblegum, kindergarteny love song, and turned it into a tune about banging other dudes' girlfriends.

**Treach**: You down with OPP
**Women**: Yeah, you know me
**Todd**: *[as if he has to ask]* So, what song has Nicki Minaj chosen to oh so cleverly subvert?

**Sir Mix-a-Lot**: My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon
**Girl**: Oh my gosh, look at her butt
**Todd**: Oh..."Baby Got Back".

*Clip of Sir Mix-a-Lot - "Baby Got Back"*
**Sir Mix-a-Lot**: My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon
**Todd (VO)**: An already filthy rap song that's the first butt song everyone thinks about when they think about butt songs. If I wanted to listen to a butt song, why wouldn't I just listen to that?

**Todd**: It's, you know, it's all about the hook. Look at the way it ingeniously rearranges and twists the pieces of "Baby Got Back" into something new entirely.

*Back to "Anaconda"*
**Sir Mix-a-Lot**: My anaconda don't
My anaconda don't
My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon
**Girl**: *[repeated at different pitches]* Oh, my gosh, look at her butt
**Todd**: That was awful!

**Todd (VO)**: That was the worst, laziest, most pathetic excuse of a sample I have ever heard. That wasn't a hook, that was just two random lines played over and over again.

**Todd**: Eh, whatever, I already said this song was an audio nightmare. But what about just Nicki's presence?

**Nicki**: Pussy put his ass to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil
**Todd (VO)**: Maybe it counts as a new twist just through the act of making the all-time definitive ass song from the point-of-view of the ass's actual owner. I mean, it's called "Anaconda".

**Todd**: It's switching the focus from Nicki's ass over to Sir Mix-a-Lot's dick. And I just said that out loud like it was a good thing, didn't I?

Hold on, let me think about this one.

**Sir Mix-a-Lot**: My anaconda don't
**Todd (VO)**: See, I don't even know what the hell I'm on about right now. This is not about any dude's anaconda, I'm not sure why it's called that. I mean, there is some stuff in there about dicks.

**Nicki**: Because he don't like 'em boney, he want something he can grab
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, mostly, it's still about asses, and while there is something to be said about gender-swapping a narrative, it's still not much of a change.

**Sir Mix-a-Lot**: I like 'em round and big
**Todd (VO)**: Like, "Baby Got Back" is a female-objectification song. It's all about how Sir Mix-a-Lot likes one body shape and hates the other, and yeah, you can absolutely have a problem with that.

**Todd**: But, at the same time, let's be real. You gotta work kinda hard to get offended by Sir Mix-a-Lot.

**Sir Mix-a-Lot**: So *Cosmo* says you're fat
Well, I ain't down with that
**Todd (VO)**: You know, for a dude ogling girls' butts, you're not gonna find a guy who cares so much about women's feelings. He cares very deeply about how you get treated by the media and...

**Todd**: ...whether you wanna roll in his Mercedes.

**Sir Mix-a-Lot**: Ladies
**Ladies**: Yeah
**Sir Mix-a-Lot**: If you wanna roll in my Mercedes
**Ladies**: Yeah
**Todd**: He's a saint!

**Todd (VO)**: So it's not much of a new twist on "Baby Got Back". It's taking us back to the Puff Daddy days, when there wasn't anything clever about sampling, it's just stealing someone else's work. Honestly, I'm not even sure why Mix's voice is even sampled at all here.

**Sir Mix-a-Lot**: *[sample]* My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon
**Todd (VO)**: Nicki's like, "well, *I've* got buns so his anaconda *does* want mine." Who cares what Sir Mix-a-Lot's anaconda wants? Nicki is one of the hottest celebrities in the world; why would she care about impressing a one-hit wonder from 22 years ago. *[shot of present-day Sir Mix-a-Lot]* "I made this man's dick hard! Go me!"

**Todd**: Although, actually, now that I think about it, it does kind of make sense.

**Sir Mix-a-Lot**: I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
**Todd (VO)**: Were flat butts *really* all the rage in 1992? I have difficulty believing that's true, but if it is, then Sir Mix-a-Lot may be the most...

**Todd**: ...influential man in fashion history because...

**Todd (VO)**: ...I have not heard anyone since then say, "God, I love scrawny, flat butts." Getting Sir Mix-a-Lot's approval actually means a lot. He's like the *[promo shot of* Project Runway *featuring...]* Tim Gunn of butts.

I haven't really talked about Nicki's part in this yet, which I probably should because that's the part I actually like.

**Nicki**: ...used to ride motorcycles
Dick bigger than a tower, I ain't talking about Eiffel's
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, it's mostly about sex, and it's dirty as hell.

**Nicki**: Pussy put his ass to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil
**Todd**: *[giving thumbs up]* Which I approve of.

**Nicki**: Big dope dealer money, he was getting some coins
**Todd (VO)**: It's also about having sex with drug dealers, which I...I approve of a little less.

**Nicki**: I let him hit it 'cause he slang *[brief clip of* Metalocalypse*, featuring Murderface and Dr. Rockso the Rock and Roll Clown, who does...]* cocaine
**Todd**: Look, don't have sex with drug dealers. It sounds fun at first, he's got money, he's a bad boy...

**Todd (VO)**: ...ooh, and it's just about the sex at first, but then you're carrying drugs for him over the border, *[shot from* Brokedown Palace*]* you're locked up in a Thailand jail, *[brief clip from* Jackie Brown*]* you have to pull off an elaborate scheme to play him and the cops off each other...

**Todd**: ...it's all way too complicated.

**Nicki**: I only took a half of pill
I'm on some dumb shit
**Todd (VO)**: I think both fans and haters of Nicki have the same reason: she's annoying, she pisses people off, and she can tone it down sometimes, but here she's not even trying to hide it. Like...even at her best, she sounds a bit like a Powerpuff Girl. But...listen to her here.

**Nicki**: So I pulled up in the Jag, Mayweather with the jab like...
Dun-d-d-dun-dun-d-d-dun-dun
**Todd**: Holy God, she's turning into Crazy Frog.

*Clip of Crazy Frog - "Axel F" intercut with Nicki*
**Crazy Frog**: Ding-ding-ding...
**Nicki**: Dun-d-d-dun-dun-d-d-dun-dun...
**Todd (VO)**: And if there's any part to really object to, it's the outro, where...

**Todd**: ...look, I don't even know.

**Nicki**: This one is for my bitches with a fat ass in the fucking club
**Todd (VO)**: She's grinding on Drake, which, eww, while...

**Todd**: ...she's saying this.

**Nicki**: Fuck those skinny bitches
Fuck those skinny bitches in the club
Fuck you if you skinny bitches. What? Yeah!
**Todd**: Girls, girls...you're both pretty. That's a...

**Todd (VO)**: ...condescending stock phrase I use when a stupid argument is breaking out, but I guess I mean that pretty literally here. Can I ask, is there a gang war brewing between skinny bitches and fat bitches?

**Todd**: Is this one of those things where I have to wear neutral colors? Can't we all just get along?

**Todd (VO)**: Look, I think a lot of people are underestimating "Anaconda". Now, there is a lot to like about it, and it reminds me a lot of the equally weird *[clip of Big Sean's...]* "Ass, Ass, Ass", in which Nicki had the best part.

**Nicki**: Waikikieeeeeeeeeeeee.....
**Todd (VO)**: And I especially love the way "Anaconda" ramps up towards the chorus. I always thought that uber-tense bass line was a little wasted on "Baby Got Back", but I love how extreme and intense it gets right up to the chorus.

**Nicki**: Because he don't like 'em boney, he want something he can grab
So I pulled up in the Jag, Mayweather with the jab like...
Dun-d-d-dun-dun-d-d-dun-dun
**Sir Mix-a-Lot**: My Anaconda don't...
**Todd**: Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course, and then it gets to the chorus again. Yeah, no.

**Todd (VO)**: I do try to maintain my credibility, I haven't flushed it down the toilet in a while.

**Todd**: Although, you guys wait a couple months for the Top Ten.

**Todd (VO)**: But yeah, "Anaconda" is not the hill I wanna die defending. Even if I like Nicki's part, which I do, this song is just too hard to listen to. It's more like a bad remix of "Baby Got Back" than a real song. But even so, yeah, I'm genuinely shocked to see something this edgy and purposely unlikable in the Top Ten. *[Clip of...]* When Nicki did the same thing with "Stupid Hoe", the public rejected it en masse, which I don't get at all. Why did they hate *that* so much, and yet this is actually kinda popular?

**Nicki**: I wanna see all the big fat ass bitches in the motherfucking club
**Todd**: Oh, right, butts. Seriously, we can do with a little less butts, okay? *[singing] I'm on some dumb shit.*

*Gets up and leaves*

**Nicki**: Hey!
*Closing tag song: Paula Abdul - "Cold Hearted"*

***THE END
"Anaconda" is owned by Young Money Entertainment
This video is owned by me***