Off To Be The Wizard

US Cover artwork by Inkd

978-3958351547 (german)

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Self Published Cover artwork by Scott Meyer

German Cover (Translation: Suddenly Wizard)

Kindle In Motion Cover artwork by Liz Pulido

## **Magic 2.0: Book 1**

#### **Repository1-c.txt**

While Snooping through the file system of a cell service provider, Martin Banks, a 23 year old man from Seattle, Washington, came across a text file called Repository1-c.txt. This was not particularly out of the ordinary, except for the file size, which was five terabytes. Out of curiosity, he opened the file through a terminal emulator, and the first thing he did was look up his own name (which was customary for him whenever opening an unfamiliar file), and he was surprised to find it within the file. The file was comprised of only numbers and other seemingly random variables, but he recognized some of the numbers; his height, for one, was wrong. Even though it was more accurate to say he was *5'11"*, he had been putting *6'2"* on every document in his adult life, so he made the edit to the file. After making the edit he found that he could see the tops of cabinets he couldn't before, and it seemed like his face was higher in the mirror than before. After spending a day contemplating existential crisis that came with the realization that he changed his height, and debating whether or not to
pretend he never found the file, curiosity won the day. He very soon found out that reality was a computer program, and the source code was there for him to have fun with. Through much experimentation over the next week he discovered that he could change his bank balance with the click of a button, he could levitate (poorly), and teleport anywhere with reliable internet connection. He also discovered that he could time travel, but only back in time, to his dismay. Martin decided to develop an app to give himself shortcuts to
manipulate the file. The app had 3 tabs; One would allow him to manipulate his bank balance on a whim, and the next would allow him to teleport anywhere in the world. The last tab had three buttons - one would teleport him straight back to his apartment, one would allow him to prove to others that he had the powers he had through hovering in mid-air, and the last was a bright red button that said "Escape". When he was developing the "Escape"
function, he tried to consider a time and place where magic was both acceptable
and awe inspiring, and decided on Medieval England. He searched for "The best time to live in Medieval England", and the third result was a book by someone called Gilbert Cox titled *The Best Years to Live in Medieval England*. Based off the description of the book, he chose the year 1150 for the time and the White Cliffs of Dover for the location. In the days that followed his discovery of the file, he found that having an infinite source of money was too great to pass up, and he regularly deposited thousands of dollars at a time. After manipulating his bank account one too many times, he was arrested two federal agents that were part of a two-person task force of the United States Treasury Department. The agents, as Martin found out, were the headstrong Agent Miller and the reasonable Agent Murphey, and the task force was put together to investigate acts of bank fraud that seemed impossible in the eyes of the Treasury department. While being
interrogated by the two agents, Martin offered to show the agents how he
manipulated his balance with his smartphone. With seemingly no other options the agents obliged, and once Martin had his phone he hit the "Home" button. Suddenly appearing in his bedroom face
to face with a different federal agent, he fled his apartment complex to head to his childhood home. Still being pursued by the agents, he crashed his car by aiming it at a tree and teleporting away at the last second so as to try and throw the agents off. When he finally arrived at his parents house, he told them not to open the door to anyone at all yet, said his goodbyes quickly, and donned a Draco Malfoy costume from the Harry potter movies he wore for Halloween one year. When he was finished, he tapped the "Escape" button.

#### **The Rotted Stump**

Martin found himself exactly where (and when) he programmed
the file to take him. After spending some time freaking out, he considered going back in time to warn himself to be careful and not get in trouble, but he realized that if he had done it, he would have remembered it happening in his past, which he didn't, so he reasoned that he couldn't do it now. He decided that the first thing he needed to do was find shelter, so he headed toward the nearest road and followed it. While en route to what he hoped was civilization, he passed by two men on horseback. They had three eyes and three eyebrows between them and carried swords. After trying to greet them, they had their horses speed up and pass Martin quickly. As he looked at them hurry away, he saw someone driving a cart. He soon found it was a woman named Gwen, the tailor of a nearby town called Leadchurch. Gwen immediately recognized Martin as a wizard because of his costume, and through an awkward conversation she informed him that wizards were celibate, which he did not like hearing, and that Leadchurch was the home of another wizard. Gwen dropped him off at an inn
called The Rotted Stump, and she took his measurements before continuing on her way. Inside the Rotted Stump, Martin attempted to earn free room and board by showing the innkeeper and customers the evidence bag from his arrest, referring to it as "cloth you can see through", hoping it would impress them. The local wizard, Phillip, showed up to greet Martin and asked if he could produce more of the see-through cloth. Martin said that he could, although not while people were watching, so the Innkeeper, Pete, locked him in a closet where he went back to his original time and quickly raided his parent's cling film cabinet before teleporting back to the inn. Phillip was impressed and asked Martin to go with him back to his place for some fresh stew, but Martin, believing Phillip to be a lying charlatan and fake wizard, gets into a tiff with Phillip. This results in Phillip challenging Martin to a Wizarding Duel, in which each participating wizard takes turns showing off powerful spells until one cannot outdo the other. Martin, thinking he was going to easily win against the fake wizard, goes all out with his best trick first - levitation. It wasn't proper levitation, mind you; because gravity exists as a variable somewhere else in the file, Martin had to write a script that would reset his altitude to 3 feet above the ground 10 times per second. This caused him to continually vibrate while in the air and was the source of extreme discomfort. Phillip, who was a much more learned wizard than Martin, effortlessly flew 30 feet into the air and shot a ball of light (which we later learn to be a 1 foot column of 200mph wind) at Martin's chest, which propelled him past the town and through the forest beyond until he hit a tree and passed out.

#### **The Charlatan**

Martin woke about nine hours later to the smell of stew and a body that ached. Upon opening his eyes, he saw Phillip and realized that he was in the Wizard’s house. He frantically blurted all the questions he had swirling through his mind, and Phillip obliged him with the answers. Phillip told him that he and Gwen went to retrieve Martin from the forest, where he was still levitating (later Gwen remarks that he must be a skilled Wizard to continue levitating after being knocked unconscious). Phillip was from London, but immigrated to the US where he found the file, using his Commodore 64, in the year 1983. Martin learned that many other people had also found the file, and that some are intentionally directed to medieval England because of the Gilbert Cox book; the wizards have developed a script that buys enough copies of the book every year to keep it in circulation. According to Phillip, he was the first of the medieval Europe Wizards to both find the file and to arrive. Jimmy (who took up the mantle of Merlin soon after arriving), the chairperson of the Medieval Europe community, found the file 2 years after Phillip and arrived less than a week after. Soon, after most of Martin's questions were answered, Phillip offered Martin a place in the Wizard training program as his apprentice. Martin asked what would happen if he said no, and Phillip said that he would send Martin back to his own time. He said it has happened before, to a man called Todd, who was sent back naked and hogtied so as to ensure he couldn’t escape law enforcement. After hearing that, Martin enthusiastically agreed, but only after making sure he didn't have to be celibate. The Wizarding community typically takes turns training new Wizards, and Martin should have gone to one of the Magnuses in Norway (there are two wizards in Norway, who are both called Magnus), but Phillip had taken a liking to Martin, so he decided to handle the training himself.

#### **Off To Be The Wizard**

The first step in his training was to visit Gwen's tailor shop to be fitted for a hat and robe. Against Phillip's warning, Martin asked Gwen out and was rejected. While the two were in the shop, a farmer from the village of Rickard's Bend came in to complain that his clothes were stretching. Gwen assured the man that the material she uses does not stretch, but he showed her the evidence and was utterly confused. She agreed to fix them for him, and Phillip and Martin left. After leaving, Phillip gave Martin a lecture about doing what he tells him, and issues his first command as Martin's master - he commands Martin to think before he acts. Phillip then took Martin on a tour of Leadchurch, which consisted of a few shops, the inn, and, of course, the church that’s covered in lead. Every day at noon, the Bishop comes out and attempts to stick a magnet to the side of the building to prove that the church is made of lead. Martin says that a magnet wouldn’t stick to a regular church, and therefor proves nothing. They get into a brief discussion about faith and science before they eventually came to Phillip's shop. There, Phillip maintained the illusion of being the local professional Wizard. It was a small space filled with jars and bottles full of fluids, spice jars and a work table. This was where the locals came to request favors from him. Phillip gave Martin a tour of the space, which included his computer, which was disguised as a crystal ball. Martin noticed stairs extending up to a second floor, and upon asking about it, Phillip said that it was nothing and urged Martin to drop the subject. Phillip then explained that they do take on the occasional field appointment, but their primary job is to make it look like they are too busy to be bothered. As it turns out, a local dung-sifter named Hubert came and knocked on Phillip's door asking him to magically sift his dung, but he ignored his troubles because Phillip already had an appointment scheduled for the day — they were to contain an ancient evil. They were asked by Mrs. Abigail to move her goat from one pen to the other. The ancient evil they were containing, Phillip explained, was Mrs. Abigail. After being chased by a levitating goat and eventually completing the task, Phillip promised to formally start his training. The first order of business was to find him a staff, so they went to a wooded area to look for suitable branches and sticks. As they looked about, they fell easily into conversation and talked about Phillip's choice in staff a ornament (a corked bottle with a red liquid inside, which he says is Tabasco sauce), the chairman, and how time travel works. He explained how he arrived to find that the Arthurian legend already existed, so he decided to build a cozy life for himself in Leadchurch. But when Jimmy came, he went straight to London and became the court magician, convincing the king, Stephen, that the Arthur story was a prophecy and declared himself Merlin. He convinced the king to rename his son from Eustace to Arthur, and renamed London Camelot. Martin said that they can't just change the past on a whim, but Phillip explained that everything they do has an effect on the future, no matter how small - or at least it should. He went on to explain that nothing they do in the past seems to effect the future, and they weren't sure why. Phillip explained that some think that something between their time and the present, something happens that erases all the chronological pollution caused by the time travelers and sets things right, which would imply that everything they do is set in stone and time can't be changed. Phillip, on the other hand, does not believe this -- he adamantly believes that he has free will, and that the program creates an alternate reality, a "parallel instance of the past" for them to visit whenever they travel back in time. If challenged on the "free will" point, Phillip explains that he always yell "SHUT UP" at the top of his lungs, because it's out of character for him and proves he has free will. When Martin explains that yelling "shut up" every single time is nothing more than a pre-programmed response, Phillip momentarily loses it, before calming down. Martin, still doubting the fact that nothing they do affects the future, traveled back to his own time confirm this. While he was there, he found the perfect ornament for his staff - a souvenir he bought
as a child on a trip to Mexico, a bust of El Santo, King of the Luchadores.

#### **Dumb or Decent**

They returned to Phillip's shop, where Phillip explained how to properly sand and varnish his staff, the first step of which was to not make the obvious joke. Much like Martin's 3 function application on his cellphone, Phillip developed a similar program when he first arrived called The Shell. The Shell listens for verbal commands in poorly translated Esperanto, an international language developed in the late 1800s. To enable a user for The Shell, you must recite the incantation: "Supren Supren, Suben Suben, Maldeskstra dekstra, Maldeskstra dekstra, Bee Aye Komenco" (which translates to "up up, down down, left right, left right, B A Start, which is the Konami Code). Reciting the incantation is what enables a Shell user. To actually meet the criteria for the Shell to execute your commands, you must be dressed in the proper wizard attire (5 Foot Staff or an 18 inch wand, Robes with cuffs 2 feet in circumference, and a conical hat no shorter than 12 inches). Phillip explained that he need not worry about minor inconveniences ever again -- he set Martin's internal temperature to a comfortable interval, made it so Martin could speak any language, and even stopped his aging process. Phillip explained that he cannot be physically injured, but he could still die from things like suffocation, drowning, starvation, etc. He said that there is a way to make you not need food, water and air, but you would still feel like you need those things. The spell was created by Todd, and it would turn the target invisible and inaudible as well, with the only sound able to be made by the subject was spooky haunting noises. He then told Martin some important rules: wizards only experiment on themselves or another wizard, and only if the other wizard knows what's happening; and wizards never alter anyone's physical structure, ever (upon telling Phillip how he discovered what the file could do by changing his height by a couple inches, Phillip said that he had lucked out and any more might have caused his spine to stop functioning). Phillip taught the apprentice how to levitate and copy an object, as well as how to remove it from existence. He explained that if someone tried to delete a person from existence using the file, they would cease to exist. Then Phillip turned around and said that if someone who has access to the Shell killed someone, the person who gave them access to the Shell for example, they would be nearly impossible to stop. Martin did nothing, and Phillip turned to say that he had passed the most important test yet: he didn't try to kill him even though he explained why it might be beneficial for Martin to do so. He explained that Martin was still on a safety mode, and that it wouldn't have worked. Phillip turned the safety off, pretended to rummage about his shelves for half a minute, and turned back around saying that Martin had passed another test -- he didn't try to kill Phillip even though he turned the safety off.

#### **The Necromancer of Skull Gullet Cave**

For the next couple days, Phillip had Martin practice what he had learned with levitating and duplicating objects. He also took Martin on walks around Leadchurch. On one such walk, Phillip explained how, if he were ever in trouble, he could say the word "eskapi", and it would teleport him to a safe location. Upon saying it, he momentarily vanished, and there were a few large men who seemed very interested in the unescorted wizard's apprentice. Phillip returned after a few seconds, though, and no one approached them. That afternoon, Martin began working on personalizing a robe and hat that Phillip had loaned him until Gwen was done with his. After coming to see what Phillip thought, Phillip informed him that they were going to do something fun. Martin pondered what "fun" meant for time-traveling wizards, but Phillip said that they were going to his friend Gary's house for a night out, which Martin was excited for. Using a spell called the “hand-phone”, Phillip told him that they were on their way over, and Gary gave Phillip the location code. Like every time someone informs Gary that they are coming, he made sure they teleported standing in something that would not be pleasant to stand in. Martin meets the other three wizards that live close to Leadchurch, Gary, a painter from the year 1992; Tyler, a writer from 2003; and Jeff, who is from 2021 and the first wizard Martin met who was from his future. The five men spent the evening playing Risk and eating pizza that Gary went back to his home time to get. To Martin, the pizza was a welcome change from stew, and it was the "best bad pizza [he] had ever tasted". They discussed many things, including Gary's gothic paintings, Tyler's fantasy/horror novel, and the many contributions of Jeff to the Shell. Since Martin arrived in Leadchurch, he had the feeling many of the locals view the wizards in a bad light, and would like to do harm to them if they could, but Phillip insisted that it was just paranoia. When Phillip goes to “partake in the greatest pleasure the Middle Ages can afford a man” (peeing in the woods outside), the other three told Martin that he had good reason to be afraid. Jeff was once overheard mentioning that his wand was broken, and a local pulled a knife on him immediately. Luckily for Jeff, the wand still worked. They told Martin that Phillip was a good man, but refused to believe the locals had any ill will towards them, and that to be careful despite what he says.

#### **Kludge and The Bastards**

The next day, it was time to go for the rough fitting at Gwen's tailor shop. She measured Martin and made sure that the robe would be well-fitted for him when it was complete. In order to get the style of the robes just right, Gwen asked about Martin's Staff. Martin had been looking forward to an opportunity to recite the description he had prepared about his staff's ornamentation. He told Gwen, "*This is the grim visage of the saint of the southern country. Destroyer of the monsters and leader of men. He vanquished and later befriended the Blue Demon.*"  While at the shop, another resident of Rickard's Bend came in complaining about her jacket and pants growing too long. Before she left, the woman also had to make a stop at the cobblers to complain about her shoes shrinking. They went back to Phillip's hut and worked until the evening. When the sun started to set, Phillip began to prepare dinner -- stew. The same stew that has been boiling in the pot nonstop for at least as long as Martin had been an apprentice. Martin, sick of Phillip's ever-aging stew, left to find food elsewhere. He recalled seeing a vendor with a fruit cart somewhere in town, so he made his way to downtown Leadchurch. On the way, he ran into the local gang led by a large man named Kludge. Kludge asked Martin to show him what he had learned from the town Wizard, in an attempt to provoke Martin into a fight. The only things Martin could do using the Shell were levitating, copying, and destroying objects. He didn't want to copy a bunch of gold for Kludge and pay him off because he knew that he would just keep coming back. Destroying Kludge wasn't an option; they were wizards, not murderers. The only thing left in Martin's toolbox was levitation. His first move was to levitate and throw Kludge back, but doing so also pushed Martin back. After a few more ideas (which included targeting a tree that couldn't move, thereby launching Martin through the air and ramming into Kludge, as well as using pumpkins as projectiles), Martin had Kludge hanging from the steeple of the lead church. Martin then returned to Phillip's hut for a nice, hot bowl of stew. The next day, Phillip taught Martin how to cast "mystical rays and beams". Some were just for show, and others were actually functional, but none of them look cool and serve a useful function simultaneously. This limitation was the perfect introduction to building macros, which was what Phillip intended on teaching him next.

#### **The Exorcism of Donald Melick Jr.**

Before Phillip could start working with Martin on Macros, he remembered that he had scheduled an appointment; two weeks prior, Phillip had agreed to help Bishop Galbraith perform an exorcism on the young Donald Melick Jr. Martin was confused why they, as wizards, would want to work with the church, but Phillip explained that the wizards and the church have a tentatively good relationship, and that Phillip is good friends with the bishop. It was the middle of the day when the wizards arrived to meet the bishop with an extravagant teleportation macro. The three departed together for the Melick family home, where they met Donald Melick Sr., his wife Jan, and their three daughters, Kitty, Evie, and Maggie. Donald Sr. was a simple man - he enjoyed hunting, fishing and farming, and wanted nothing more than a son to do all of those activities with. After trying for a son three times and having three daughters, he was ecstatic to learn that his fourth child would be a son . . . someone who he could share with his love for hunting, fishing and farming. Donald Jr was practically raised by his mother and sisters and learned a lot from them, so he didn't exactly meet Donald Sr.'s criteria for the perfect son. Because of this not so odd behavior from the teenage boy, Donald Sr. suspected Donald Jr. must be possessed by the devil. The family told the three guests that Donald Jr. had been withdrawn and irritable; he had taken to hiding himself in his room and insisting on privacy, as well as hanging around with Kludge's gang, The Bastards. the bishop agreed that Donald Jr. must be possessed by a demon and, to Martin's surprise, so did Phillip. The three ventured out to the shed where Donald Jr. had claimed for himself, and Phillip set up a barrier macro around the hut that would emit a glow from the shed and a stream of screaming and chanting that would increase in volume as the person near got closer. They left the Melick family behind, convincing them that what was to take place was not for their eyes and could be harmful to any witnesses. At first, Donald Jr. was hesitant to talk to the three men, but when Bishop Galbraith that he did not think that the boy had a demon, and sympathized with his adolescent strife, Donald Jr. was quick to open up to them. Afterward, the bishop explained that they have to convince Donald Jr.'s family that the boy is rid of the demon. Galbraith explains that they will tell his family to accommodate the boy's needs and make the shed more comfortable, with the tradeoff that Donald Jr. makes an effort to be nice to his family. He agreed, and the four got to work on proving to the family that Donald Jr. was rid of the demon. Martin's part was to run frantically into the Melick home, retrieve a tray and something nourishing to drink, and make sure one of the family members follows him back to the shed. When Martin went to obtain the cider, Donald Sr. demanded to see what was going on. Feigning reluctance, Martin told him that he should not come, which only made Mr. Melick more insistent. Martin walked Donald Sr. back to the shed where they found Donald Jr. hovering 10 feet above the bed. Red beams of light were shining from the orifices on his face, and he was flailing his limbs about wildly. He was enveloped by a glowing field of energy that came from Phillip's staff, and the bishop held up his crucifix at the boy. As Mr. Melick and Martin entered the shed, a beam of white light shot from the crucifix and hit Donald Jr. in the chest. After a couple of moments, the red light dissipated, and the boy projectile vomited onto his father without a single particle hitting the ground. Martin recognized the fake vomit immediately as stew. Mr. Melick ran back off into the house, and left the four other men alone again. Bishop Galbraith congratulated everyone, particularly Martin and Donald Jr. before Phillip pulled four glasses out of his hat, poured the cider in, and said *"The bishop and I are now going to teach the two of you . . . how to play pinochle"*

#### **Merlin**

Because macro building required some heavy programming, it wasn't very practical to do it on a phone. Martin ordered a laptop from Amazon and went back to 2013 to get it. The federal agents were banging on the door when Martin ran downstairs to grab his package. Another package had arrived for him. He realized that it was probably something he orders in the future, so he left it behind. We find out later that the package was modern computer in the case of a Commodore 64. He told his parents that he didn't do whatever it was the federal agents were accusing him of and then ran upstairs to travel back to Leadchurch. Martin and Phillip spent almost the entire day setting up and optimizing Martins new laptop. The repository allowed them to set the battery to have constant full charge. The most futuristic tech Phillip had seen since arriving in England was Gary's powerbook, so showing him a laptop from 2012 was like giving a caveman a tour of the 21st century. While Phillip was walking Martin through The Shell's GUI, they both suddenly got goosebumps. Phillip knew, what Martin didn't, that getting goosebumps meant Jimmy was about to arrive. Phillip told Martin that he was about to witness a textbook example of how many effects could be layered into a single macro. A gust of wind blew through the room from all directions focusing on a single point in the center. After the light dimmed, a whirlwind started to form. The whirlwind started glowing, taking the shape of a human figure. After a loud explosion, a marble statue of Jimmy appeared in the spot where the whirlwind had just vanished. A light in the hand of the statue started to burn the statue. The wind blew away the ash and revealed the real life version of Jimmy, which was far less impressive than the statue, standing in the center of the room. Jimmy greeted Phillip and introduced himself to Martin as Merlin, the chairman of their wizarding community. Jimmy took Martin aside and spoke to him for a few seconds until they very much annoyed Phillip interrupted. The two, who obviously loathed each other bickered back and forth until Jimmy finally left. Martin couldn't understand Phillip's hatred towards Jimmy because he seemed nice enough but as it turned out, that was one of the reasons Phillip disliked him.

#### **Flugi**

The following day, Phillip startled Martin into waking and told him he had a surprise for the days training. Martin kept grumbling about learning macros until Phillip asked if he would rather learn to fly another day. It was time to fly!! Gary and Jeff were waiting for them in a clearing a couple miles a way. Phillip noticed Tyler wasn't with them which was a big deal since the local wizards always come out for an apprentices first flight. Jeff and Gary said that Tyler went to do some research for his novel the previous day and has yet to return. Martin spoke the command for flying, "Flugi" and shot up into the air. He seemed to be doing very well until he encountered a duck. Martin used his staff arm to shield his face. Since the staff is used to control your movements while flying, Martin lost control and plummeted to the ground. The other three wizards started in his direction at full speed and Phillip shot a ball of blue light at the ground right before Martin landed. Being a recognized wizard by the shell grants you protection from injury but it does not protect you from pain. Martin hit the ground at full force and felt every bit of it. He bounced into the air and then hit the ground again. Phillip mentioned that Martin would have missed the duck had he not reacted.The next day was spent covering the rest of the material that Martin needed to pass the trials and reviewing old material. They covered conjuring which is basically copying objects without actually having the original object and Phillip explained to Martin the practical functions of the robes and hats. The reason why the cuffs need to have a circumference of 2 feet is because The Shell is looking for hand gestures and movements. The wizard's conical hat is the default location for all.

#### **The Robe**

A few days later, Martin and Phillip went to Gwen's shop to pick up Martin's robe.In Gwen's shop was stacks and and stacks of peoples clothes. Every single person in the village of Rickard's Bend have been bringing in their clothes, claiming that their clothes grew. Martin used this as an opportunity to get some alone time with Gwen by asking her if he could magic the clothes back to their owners. Gwen declined. Martin opened the package that was given to him and was amazed at the sight of his new ensemble. The robe was made of a highly reflective silver fabric that resembled a disco ball.The trim was a similar but less reflective fabric that looked identical to the fabric that made up Santo's mask. Martin was relieved to not longer be wearing the blood red and black loaner robe that Phillip used to wear during his necromancer days. Martin tested his new robe with a couple spells and tested his hat by pulling out a couple of burritos. After they finished eating their burritos, Phillip dropped the bomb telling Martin that the trials were in 2 days. Every wizard in their medieval Europe would travel to Camelot to attend a dinner hosted for Martin. Martin would perform his salutation, which is something every wizard creates as a demonstration of their powers, and the trials would be held the following day. If Martin were to fail the trails, he would lose the ability to use anything with an integrated circuit or computer chip and then hogtied and left for Agents Murphy and Miller to pick up in 2012. No pressure. Martin spent the next 2 days working on his salutation, getting info from both Gary and Jeff without revealing what he was going to do.In Phillip's shop, he has a 2nd floor that nobody is allowed to enter.People aren't just not allowed but the shell makes it physically impossible for them to enter. Nobody knew what he was doing in the room and Martin grew more suspicious when he went to visit him while taking a break from macro work.

#### **The Wonderful World of Camelot**

Two days later, Phillip spoke the words to take him and Martin to London. Martin seemed surprised when they arrived in the middle of a pasture. Phillip noted to Martin that if it were 1000 years in the future, they would be standing in front of a curry restaurant. They walked through farms toward the river James (pronounced "Jems" and renamed from Thames) where the castle Camelot was located and then through the city. The castle and the wall surrounding the castle were covered in gold. As they got closer, Martin noticed a golden statue of the royal family and Jimmy in the middle of the reflecting pond. The very much exagerated statue of Jimmy had a name tag on his robe that spelled out "MERLIN". The metal on top of Jimmy's hat was discolored. After asking one of the locals, Martin learned that "unspeakable muck" would fall from the sky onto Jimmy's statue. After hearing that stew came from the sky several days prior, Martin then realized the source of the "unspeakable muck" was Phillip's toilet because it was he who poured the stew in. Once inside the great hall inside the castle, Phillip told Martin the history of how it was built all the while criticizing Jimmy for abusing the locals. They started for the dinning table at the end of the hall and surprisingly, Jimmy seated Martin at the head of the table. He then walked Martin around the table, introducing him to all of the wizards of medieval Europe with the exception of Tyler who was still missing. Jimmy's assistant and best friend, Eddie called for a speech.Jimmy did his song and dance and called on Martin to perform his salutation.

#### **The Salutation and The Trials**

Martin pulled a small wooden box out of his robe and started speaking to the make imaginary imp inside. After speaking his macro's command, "starigis la scenejo" (translation: set the scene), Martin flew head first into box, shrinking as he entered it. The box disappeared and reappeared across the hall where it was floating. White smoke came seeping out of the box and onto the ground where it formed a statue of Martin. He grabbed his staff with both hands, raised it in the air like a Tusken Raider and said "Eh Neeek Chock" (translation not found). Martin exploded into thousands of boxes that formed another giant statue of Martin. The giant statue of Martin pulled out a giant boom box which started to play Rockit by Herbie Hancock. The giant statue of Martin started doing the robot and threw in some break dancing moves. While on its side, it formed its hand into a gun and on a specific downbeat in the song, the statue pulled the trigger. In that moment, everything collapsed to the ground and disappeared. Everybody cheered. Jimmy took Martin aside and told him that he wanted he wanted Martin to come live in Camelot after the trials. Everyone spent the rest of the night getting shitfaced and they all went back to their homes to get as much sleep as they could before the trials. Phillip and Martin both woke up the next morning with hangovers and spent about 2 hours getting some last minute cramming in. Jimmy called and asked if Martin was ready to face the trials, so they transported back to Camelot, directly to the round table. They were both on a raised platform surrounded by all of the wizards who attended the dinner the previous night. After the very irritable Phillip bickered back and forth with Jimmy asked "Martin, do you feel ready to leave your life as an apprentice behind and take on the powers and responsibilities of a wizard?" Martin responded in the affirmative and there was silence for what seemed like minutes. Jimmy responded "OK". After another minute of silence, Martin finally asked them if they were just screwing with him. After everybody was done laughing, Jimmy informed him that the trials were over. Phillip explained to Martin that the trails truly started the minute he arrived and the salutation was his final test. Martin was officially a Wizard. After another day of partying, they went back to Phillip's hut where Phillip immediately told Martin to find another place to live. Martin stayed that night at the Rotted Stump and then asked Jimmy to help him find a home in Camelot.

#### **The Hobbits of Rickard's Bend**

A few days later, Martin received a call from Gary who sounded distressed.Gary asked Martin to meet him and Jeff at Skull Gullet Cave. When Martin arrived, he noticed Gwen was also there and also visibly distressed. For Martin's benefit, Gwen resummarized the events that brought her to Gary's home. After Gwen finished altering all the clothes for the residents of Rickard's Bend, she loaded up her wagon and headed to the village. She found all the villagers dead when she arrived. Their deaths weren't caused by any apparent means, so she thought the wizards might know the cause. Gary was the closest wizard, so that is how she ended up in Skull Gullet Cave. They had already attempted to contact Phillip but they assumed he was in his private attic doing "nothing". Moments later, the four of them teleported to the outskirts of Rickard's Bend to investigate the deaths. From that distance, they could already tell that something weird was going on and they found the bodies as they got closer. The three wizards could see a pattern forming and started giving each other glances, knowing what the other was thinking. Someone was trying to make hobbits. Not just someone but definitely another wizard. After they verbally expressed their suspicion about it being wizards work, they heard a loud voice say "That's what we thought!!". Kludge and several other non-wizards knocked them all out and disarmed them. Martin came to and found himself tied to Jeff, Gary and a large tree. Martin's smart phone was still in his pocket but his hands were tied together. Donald Melick Jr, a reluctant member of Kludges gang, came over to talk to Martin. He apologized and said he would try to think of a way to get them out. Once the rabble noticed they were awake, they took Gwen, who was seated on a stump near them and threw her over to the three wizards. Martin noticed Gwen put her hood up and fiddle with her measuring stick. He started to pity her since she was in the wrong place at the wrong time and with the wrong people. Kludge's goal was to get the group to show him how to do magic and expected that threatening them and Gwen would do the trick. Gary told him that they would never talk. After Kludge ordered one of the gang members to "hurt the girl", Gwen snapped her measuring stick into two equal 12 inch pieces, pulled out both sleeves with her thumbs, exposing more fabric and performed her salutation with the command "NO!!". A bright light emitted from her and the thug who was barely touching her flew 20 feet into a wall. Gwen had Kludge's gang untie the wizards by threatening to throw Kludge into the fire. Martin took Donald Jr hostage and the 5 of them retreated, taking sanctuary in the lead church of Leadchurch.

#### **Phillip's Secret**

Once Bishop Galbreath got over the fact that 3 wizards, the tailor and Donnie Jr suddenly appeared in his church, they began discussing who might have killed an entire village of people. Martin, Jeff and Gary all gave each other glances and were forced to say that they believed Phillip fit the criteria. For what had probably been years, Phillip had spent a ton of time locked in the 2nd story of his shop. He was incredibly secretive about it and nobody else was allowed up there. Martin eventually convinced them that Phillip needed to be ruled out, so they went to Phillip's shop to confront him. Phillip was extremely shocked and hurt that Martin would suspect him and knowing they would just go to Jimmy, he took them upstairs. In the middle of his room was Phillip's White Pontiac Fiero. Everyone knows that its impossible to transport complex objects, so it was assumed that Phillip disassembled, transported each piece individually and reassembled the car in his workshop. Everyone was amazed.

#### **Tyler's Story**

Everyone began hearing the growling of a dog and Gary mentioned that he had been hearing the same dog for weeks. Phillip, dumbfounded, said to no one in particular "Stand here!". After a few keystrokes, Tyler appeared in the spot Phillip was pointing, out of breath, dying of thirst and bursting at the seams. His first words were "Mia Bancambro" which translates to "My Bathroom". Tyler returned and after calling his friends idiots, he told everyone the story about how he was ghosted. There are very few rules the wizards have and ghosting someone breaks just about all of them.

**Rules**

1. *A wizard should only experiment on themselves or other wizards.*
2. *You must have a wizard's consent to experiment on them*
3. *Never alter another person's physical structure regardless of who its done to or if consent was given.*

A few years back, Todd, the infamous wizard who had been cast out of the community, developed a way to basically turn someone into a ghost. The ghosted person feels thirst, hunger and suffocation but they can't die. They are invisible to everyone and can only make creepy sounds. While Tyler was in Rickard's Bend, he ran into Jimmy who asked for input on a project he was working on. They both went to Camelot where Jimmy unveiled his plans to turn the villagers of Rickard's Bend into hobbits, the peoples of the mountainous regions to dwarfs and the people in wooded areas to elves. Seeing as this broke all three wizard rules, Tyler called Jimmy a monster and began to walk away. That's when Jimmy said the words.

#### "***Alrighty Then Phillip*"**

The guys contacted every wizard in Europe with the exception of Jimmy and Eddie and asked them to meet at Gary's to plan a surprise for Jimmy. Once everyone got there, they went through all of the relevant events that lead them to that point. Everyone agreed that Jimmy had to go. The wizard party arrived in Camelot and were greeted by Eddie who seemed to be expecting them. Everyone angrily filed into Jimmy's office one by but before he could say anything, Tyler kicked Jimmy in the balls repeatedly. Unfortunately, it didn't do any damage since he was protected by the Shell. Jimmy started to explain himself. Because nothing they do affects the future, he doesn't believe they are real people. He also argued that he was making a better world for everyone. He claimed to have figure out a way to manipulate physical attributes slowly without killing the person but when Tyler found out what he was doing, he felt he had to kick his project into overdrive. Because the physical changes were rushed, everyone in the village died. Jimmy apologized and asked that they trust him while he took them to a place that would convince them of his right doing. Everyone agreed and regretted it almost at the same time when they were transported outside of the castle in front of an army full of "orcs". He discussed the orcs at length and mentioned that he keeps them in line by relieving the pain caused by their psychical transformations. Jimmy figuratively drew a line in the sand and asked everyone to chose sides. Nobody went to Jimmy's side, including his best friend and assistant Wing-Po (Eddie). After a few moments Jimmy said "*Alrighty then Phillip, If what I've done is a terrible crime for which i must be punished, then I suggest you get on with it*" . Phillip said the words to conjure rope and discovered that it wasn't working. It turned out that "Alrighty Then Phillip" was the command to limit access to the Shell. Anyone outside of a bubble of space around Camelot could no longer use the Shell. Jimmy commanded his army to attack the band of Wizards and everyone took off running. After a few moments of running, Martin remembered that he still had his cell phone. He pulled it out and decided his best option was to levitate. Phillip grabbed on to the vibrating Martin and rode on top of him. Everyone was still running and hovering when they noticed Jeff had stopped to pull out his phone. When the orcs were about 30 feet away from him, an army of demons appeared around Jeff. The Demons distracted the orcs while those with cell phones began transporting everyone to Phillip's shop.

#### **"*I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it. Let's do it!*" - Peter Venkman**

While Jeff, Gwen and Felix were transporting all the wizards back to Phillip's shop, Martin had a mission of his own. His job was to keep Jimmy occupied until the rest of the wizards could make it back to Camelot. If Jimmy was left to his own devices, he could get to his computer and start doing more damage. He could cut the other wizards off from the file or do any number of things to them. As soon as Martin got to Camelot, he regained full access to the shell,so using a command to amplify his voice, he started yelling "Merlin!!!". Merlin eventually came out and asked Martin to come inside. Martin created a macro that kicked off one of the pieces of his salutation. He said "Groovy" and tons of small boxes started flying around and formed a 30 foot version of Martin. After attacking Jimmy, he heard a faint word come from Jimmy that sounded a lot like "Groovier". Jimmy told Martin that he created a new macro using bits and pieces he found in the Shell. His macro was exactly the same as Martins except instead of boxes, his giant version of himself was made of those stupid plasma globes and instead of being 30 feet tall, it was 40 feet tall. This was Jimmy's MO and one of the reasons Phillip had always hated him. Jimmy would steal ideas from everyone else, alter them slightly and then claim them as his own. He was like the Steve Jobs or the Thomas Edison of wizards. Giant-Martin and Giant-Jimmy had an epic battle that seemed to last forever.

#### **The First Final Showdown**

Jeff and Felix were still transporting Wizards back to Phillip's shop. Finding each person's entry and using a text editor to enter coordinated took quite a bit of time for 20+ people. Phillip, Gwen and a few others started working on trying to find a safe entry point into Camelot.Finally Phillip came to the realization that he had already created an entry point into Camelot but it was not in the immediate vicinity. Phillip's hut was a few miles away from the shop, he didn't have the coordinates and they didn't have time to walk, so Phillip had only one option. He ran and slammed his body into the wall ,which caused a group of planks to fall forward, creating a ramp. With Genesis playing in the background, Phillip and Gwen zoomed down the streets of Leadchurch in Phillip's white Pontiac Fiero. The streets weren't meant for automobile traffic, nor was the chicken that bounced off the windshield. Once inside the hut, Phillip disassembled what used to be Martin's hammock, grabbed some rope and headed into the bathroom. Jimmy got the jump on Martin and had him cornered. He was threatening to either kill him or send him back to 2012 when Phillip and Gwen came climbing down the giant gold statue of Merlin and the royals. After Phillip and Martin finished arguing about who was who in the Batman and Robin metaphor, it was time for the showdown of the century. Phillip and Jimmy stared at each other. They argued back and forth about what they could do to each other when Phillip swung his staff as hard as he could, hitting Jimmy in the face, breaking the glass bottle full of Tabasco sauce. Jimmy fell to the ground and started squirming, obviously in agony.

#### **The Punishment**

The rest of the wizards finally made it to Camelot and with Eddie's help, they were able to enable the Shell and make sure Jimmy wasn't able to use any of his macros. Jimmy was naked and hogtied in one room while the wizards were debating about his punishment in the next room. Tyler wanted to Ghost Jimmy but everyone talked him out of it. After much consideration, they decided on a punishment. They were going to cut off Jimmy's access to the file by putting a 10 foot field around him that would disable any integrated circuit in his vicinity. They used Green and Yellow marker to write "Brazil #1" on his body and then transported him to Argentina back to his original time. At the time Jimmy originally left, there was a huge rally in Buenos Aires in support for their football team who was about to play the team from Brazil. They expected much violence to be done onto Jimmy.

#### **Gone to Atlantis**

When it was time to vote on a new chairman, Phillip was the obvious choice. Phillip did not want to live in Camelot, so he appointed the two Camelot wizards, Martin and Eddie, as liaisons to the royal family. Because Gwen had been outed as a witch, it wasn't practical for her to continue living in Medieval England. Women with any type of power were usually burned alive. Gwen broke the news to Martin that she was moving to Atlantis. After saying their goodbyes, Martin asked Gwen if he could kiss her and when he went in, the exclusion field threw him flying into the air. After laughing it off, they decided it was best to just leave it at that.

#### **Returning Home**

After the federal agents left Martin's parents house, the doorbell rang and Martin stood on the doorstep. Martin apologized but did not give his parents an explanation. After some talking and a few hugs, Martin left the house and got into a cab. A 60 plus year old man on a bicycle started writing down in his notebook the license plate of the cab. A woman in an SUV stopped to let the man on the bicycle cross and as he was crossing, her car suddenly died.

## **Footnotes**

1. ↑ [1] Direct quote from Off To Be The Wizard. Chapter 16. Page 156
2. ↑ [2] Direct quote from Off To Be The Wizard. Chapter 17
3. ↑ [3] Direct quote from Off To Be The Wizard. Chapter 21
4. ↑ Direct quote from Off To Be The Wizard