I Took a Pill in Ibiza

*Todd plays "I Took a Pill in Ibiza (Remix)" on the piano.*

***MIKE POSNER - I TOOK A PILL IN IBIZA (REMIX)
A pop song review***

**Todd**: ...I honestly don't even know how to react here.

*The video rewinds until **MIKE POSNER - I TOOK A PILL IN IBIZA (REMIX)** is displayed on screen again.*

**Todd (VO)**: Look at that. *[The name "Mike Posner" is circled in red.]* Wow. *Wow*. Jesus Christ... *[Picture of...]* Mike Posner...

**Todd**: Mike...Posner...

*Clip of* Star Wars
**Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness)**: Now that's a name I've not heard in a long time.
**Todd**: Uh...how many of you even recognize that name? Y-you know, this guy.

*Clip of "Cooler Than Me"*
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, you remember this guy you don't remember!

**Mike**: You probably won't
You think you're cooler than me
**Todd (VO)**: He sang a song once where he bitched about some chick acting like she was cooler than him, while giving off every impression that she was in fact ten thousand times cooler than him? And he had a couple other lesser hits? He dropped off the map years ago? He had a voice like an asthmatic shi tzu?

**Mike**: I got you...
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, that guy! I reviewed him once a long-ass time ago and I never...

**Todd**: ...*ever* expected to see him again!

*Clip of "Please Don't Go"*
**Mike**: Please don't go
**Todd (VO)**: When people tried to warn me earlier this year that he was back, I just didn't even believe them! It's just not possible! Unless all the rules of reality and logic have been warped beyond recognition!

**Todd**: Seriously, am I in a time loop? Am I in a six-year, recursive time loop, and I'm just being forced to relive everything that happened to me in 2010?

**Lupa**: Stop stalking me, Todd!

**Todd**: Ah!

*Clip of a live performance of "I Took a Pill in Ibiza"*
**Todd (VO)**: No, I'm not imagining it, that, *[Image of "I Took a Pill in Ibiza" at #6 on the Billboard Hot 100.]* that is in fact a Mike Posner in our 2016. Will wonders never cease?

**Todd**: And not only that...it's a *sad* song!

**Mike**: All I know
Are sad songs
**Todd (VO)**: All he knows are sad songs. Oh my Christ, he expects us to feel bad for him! "Oh boo-hoo!"

**Todd**: And I can hear all of you saying, "Wait a minute! *I* haven't heard anything from this guy since that one song! Maybe we *should* feel bad for him! Maybe he's completely bottomed out! Maybe he's performing as an opener for *[Pictures of...]* a cheesy lounge singer at the Cleveland Ramada, living in a dumpster and drinking Lister-," no, no he's fine. He's doing perfectly okay, okay?

Clip of an interview with Mike Posner
**Todd (VO)**: In fact, he's arguably doing better now than when he got big! He may not have had a hit for himself in a while, but he's...actually very successful behind the scenes as a songwriter.

**Todd**: Anyone remember this? Remember this song?

*Clip of Justin Bieber - "Boyfriend"*
**Justin**: If I was your boyfriend
I'd never let you go
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah. That was him! *[Clip of Labrinth ft. Emeli Sandé - "Beneath Your Beautiful"]* He also wrote a song that was huge in the UK a few years ago? *And* of course, he...

**Todd**: ...wrote this.

*Clip of Maroon 5 - "Sugar"*
**Adam Levine**: Sugar, yes please
Won't you come and put it down on me?
**Todd (VO)**: Yes. This scourge of pop radio from last year was written by Mike Posner. And boy can you tell if you listen to the lyrics. I gave most of the blame for this disaster to Adam Levine's painful-as-ever microphone feedback voice, and Maroon 5 playing with all the passion of *[Picture of...]* the Chuck-E-Cheese band, as per usual. But if you can decode Levine's singing into human frequencies, you'll also find that the lyrics are just...

**Todd**: *[Disgusted]* ...ugh!

**Adam**: Sugar, yes please
**Todd**: *[With a cheesy inflection and giving a pointing gesture]* Sugar! Yes please! Who's got two thumbs and wants some sugar? This guy! *[Disgusted once more]* Deh...

**Adam**: I want that red velvet
I want that sugar sweet
Don't let nobody touch it unless that somebody's me
**Todd (VO)**: Gross. Gross, gross, gross! *[Clip of Mike Posner - "Looks Like Sex"]* And from what I recall, that charmless player-wannabe sleaze is exactly in-character for this dipstick!

**Mike**: Yeah I see your nose ring
Might as well be a bull's eye
*Back to live version of "I Took a Pill in Ibiza"*
**Todd (VO)**: So now this new part here, where a stubbly, charisma-less frat boy tries to make me sorry for him? Yeah, no.

**Todd**: I've seen this before! It was when...

*Clip of...*
**Todd (VO)**: Limp Bizkit covered "Behind Blue Eyes".

**Fred Durst**: To be the bad man
**Todd (VO)**: Or possibly that time where *[Clip of "Forward" by...]* Dane Cook tried to write a song!

**Dane**: My sad song saves me
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, look that up next time somebody tells you that Dane Cook isn't funny.

**Todd**: And what the hell is with that title?

*Video begins...*
**Todd (VO)**: "I Took a Pill in Ibiza"? Sounds like a *[Picture of...]* Buzzfeed article! *[...which reads **I Took A Pill In Ibiza. You Won't Believe What Happens Next. Plus, 42 Women Who Are Definitely Cooler Than Me**]* "I took a..." You took some drugs at a famous resort island. Oh gosh, that sounds awful?

**Todd**: How does that even fit with the theme of the song? ...Well Christ, now I *have* to know! Let's see it!

*In the video, Posner swallows a pill in a bathroom*
**Todd (VO)**: Okay, that's him taking the pill

**Mike**: Whoa...
*Mike mumbles and laughs to himself, and is shown to have a cartoonish paper-maché head after a few shots*
**Mike**: This feels...good...
**Todd (VO)**: Jesus, is that what doing molly makes you feel like? Why would you do it then? You know, as far as music videos with horrible sculptures of pop stars' faces go, *[Clip of "Hello" by...]* still better than Lionel Richie's! And as a bonus, it doesn't make him look any sillier than he does normally!

**Todd**: Okay, enough stalling, Posner. You took a pill in Ibiza. So what?

**Mike**: I took a pill in Ibiza
To show Avicii I was cool
*Todd sits in stunned silence*

**Mike**: To show Avicii I was cool
And when I finally got sober
Felt ten years older
But fuck it, it was something to do
**Todd**: *[Still sitting in silence]* This is the saddest song I've ever heard!

**Mike**: I drive a sports car just to prove
I'm a real big baller
'Cause I made a million dollars
And I spend it on girls and shoes
**Todd**:I...Christ, this is making my soul hurt!

**Todd (VO)**: Just...just like the thought of Mike Posner, failed pop singer, trying to impress a *[Picture of Avicii]* DJ who got big after his own career flopped! It's just so vividly pathetic!

**Todd**: I...goddamn!

**Mike**: I'm just a singer
Who already blew his shot
I get along with old-timers
'Cause my name's a reminder
Of a pop song people forgot
**Todd (VO)**: Jeez! I just...I mean Christ! Mike Posner isn't even 30 yet! ...The beginning of *Up*...

**Todd**: ...didn't make me this depressed...

**Mike**: You don't wanna be stuck up on that stage singing
Stuck up on that stage singing
All I know
Are sad songs
**Todd**: [Sigh] I... *[Slowly gets up and walks away]*

*A montage of Todd feeling sad plays while light piano music plays. During the montage, Todd looks out the window and sighs, then lays on his sofa depressed.*

**Mike**: To show Avicii I was cool
**Todd (VO)**: What's even the point of living? I...I feel drained.

**Todd**: Wow, I did not see this coming. I-I...I wasn't expecting to, but I actually totally get this song! Mike Posner made me feel his pain!

**Mike**: But you don't wanna be high like me
Never really know why like me
**Todd (VO)**: No, that's pretty decent! I'm...I mean, this is definitely filling a void in pop music!

**Mike**: And I can't keep a girl, no
**Todd (VO)**: So he's finding out that being a baller and being rich doesn't solve all his problems.

**Todd**: Okay! And that's not the void he's filling. We got plenty of those, there's a precedent. One obvious example would be *[Clip of "Runaway Ft Pusha T" by...]* Kanye.

**Kanye**: Never was much of a romantic
I could never take the intimacy
**Todd**: And another one obviously would be *[Clip of "Marvin's Room" by...]* Drake.

**Drake:** Too many drinks have been given to me
I got some women that's living off me
Paid for their flights and hotels, I'm ashamed
**Todd (VO)**: I mean those guys have always been right upfront with their angst. And that honesty is what makes them such great artists. But, you know, as deeply unhappy and self-critical and insecure both of those guys can be, there's an inherent limitation to their songs, which is that...

**Todd**: ...there's only so bad you can feel for them.

*Clip of Drake - "Started from the Bottom"*
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, haha, you bust on Drake and jokes, he's soft, blah-blah-blah.

**Todd**: Did you ever look at Drake and go...

**Todd (VO)**: ..."Man, I'd hate to be *that* guy! There before the grace of God go I." No. "I am famous and unsatisfied" is one thing. But *[Back to "I Took a Pill in Ibiza (Remix)"]* "I *used* to be famous and I'm *extremely* unsatisfied"? That's another thing entirely.

**Mike**: But you don't wanna be high like me
Never really know why like me
**Todd (VO)**: You're right, Posner.

**Todd**: I don't.

**Mike**: You don't wanna ride the bus like this
**Todd (VO)**: I *really* don't wanna ride the bus like you. I don't wanna do anything like you! To be fair, I also don't wanna ride the bus, I hate riding the bus.

**Todd**: Matter of fact, why are you even on the bus? I thought you said you had a sports car? Just drive! At least get a cab.

**Todd (VO)**: Like I said, Posner's doing fine career-wise, but he never released a second album. Apparently he's been struggling with depression; I had no idea; so that adds yet another layer. But you know, there are plenty of depressed has-beens in the world. This song needed something that only Mike Posner could provide.

**Todd**: For research, I went back and re-watched my "Cooler Than Me" episode.

*Clip from that episode*
**Mike**: You wear 'em around...
**Todd (VO)**: Breath control, dammit!
**Todd**: Sing from the *[drawing it out] diaphragm!*
**Todd**: Heh. Man, I used to be funny, what happened to me?

**Todd (VO)**: Well anyways, I got a lot of things wrong. Like, how to frame a shot. Jesus Christ, Todd, how long did you leave that computer rusting in the background? God. And I predicted he wouldn't have any other hits, which I was totally wrong about! He had a couple successful follow-ups right after, plus of course the song I'm reviewing now. But, I was...

**Todd**: ...definitely right about one thing.

**Todd**: And at the end of the day, you just gotta feel sorry for the poor guy. 'Cause after he doesn't have any more hits, this is gonna be a particularly embarrassing song to sing at the state fair ten years from now.
**Todd**:...yeah...yeah... And this one was true too.

**Todd (VO)**: This song may as well be called "I Have No Star Qualities" by Nobody McLoser!
**Todd**: I went back and listened to all of Mike Posner's songs.

*Clip of Cher Lloyd ft. Mike Posner - "With Ur Love"*
**Todd (VO)**: Which is easy because he hasn't released much of anything in six years. And Posner is quite simply a guy who should never have tried to be famous. His brief moment in the spotlight reeked of desperation and over-applied body spray.

*Back to "I Took a Pill in Ibiza (Remix)"*
**Mike**: I get along with old-timers
'Cause my name's a reminder
Of a pop song people forgot
**Todd**: Dude, the fact that people forgot "Cooler Than Me" is to your benefit! You don't *want* people to remember that.

**Todd (VO)**: Your biggest song made you look like a whining, gutless little dork. In fact, Mike Posner was a particular breed of dork. *[Picture of Andy Bernard from "The Office (US)"]* The frat dork. Most tragic of all the dorks. *[Picture of a man dressed for a convention]* This guy is also a total dork, but he owns it. He's happy doing what he's doing. *[Clip of "Looks Like Sex"]* But the frat dork can never truly embrace his dork-dom. Instead chasing an image of cool that he will never have the charisma to achieve! This is infinitely lamer than the cosplayer. And all that sweaty try-hard insecurity permeates all his pop singles!

*Clip of "Bow Chicka Wow Wow Ft Lil Wayne"*
**Mike**: What you gon' do?
Once I throw on this bow chicka wow wow
What you gonna say?
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, all he knows are sad songs, and this was the saddest of them all. Really, any song that comes from him becomes a sad song! Pfft.

**Todd**: And I didn't think he could make me feel sorry for him. Of course he can! I've always felt sorry for him!

*Clip of "Be As You Are"*
**Todd (VO)**: Even his career as an in-demand hit-maker is kind of humiliating.

**Todd**: "Hey Mike Posner, we like your work, but you just don't have enough personality. We think you should give them up so that they can be sung by more charismatic performers, like *[Pictures of...]* Adam Levine, or Justin Bieber!" "I Took a Pill in Ibiza" is him finally owning his limitations as a singer.

**Todd (VO)**: That sad desperation when he's trying to be cool makes his attempts to get Senpai Avicii to notice him all the more pitiful. So yeah, he may not be much of a singer, but I clearly did not give him enough credit as a songwriter. *[Clip of "All Falls Down" by...]* Kanye talks all the time about how he buys all these big expensive items to hide his insecurity, but he's still trying to make you feel jealous that he has them! Posner legitimately makes owning a sports car and buying shoes sound like something empty and depressing. I just did not buy young, hot Mike Posner, but older, sadder Mike Posner is one I can totally get behind!

**Todd**: Oh, and um... I guess I should mention that this is a remix. Which honestly, I wish it was not.

**Todd (VO)**: I don't like remixes. This remix is from a Norwegian duo called *[Logo for...]* SeeB. Which... that's, that's just an awful name, I hate saying it. It sounds like an ethnic slur! Like I feel like there's a viewer in *[Picture of an angry-looking elderly woman]* Eastern Europe somewhere who's really offended at me right now.

**Todd**: Yeah, no no, screw this. Can we get the real version on here? We don't need any of this. Play the original.

*The original plays, beginning with a familiar-sounding instrument*
**Todd**: Ah! No! No!

**Mike:** I took a pill in Ibiza
To show Avicii I was cool
**Todd (VO)**: Ah! Hate! Die die die!

*Cut to Todd, who is holding a knife* Scream *style. He then puts it away.*

**Todd**: Oh my god, that was terrible!

**Todd (VO)**: I know living the pop life didn't work out for him, but who the hell told Mike Posner he should try to be Bon Iver instead?

**Mike**: All I know
**Todd (VO)**: Ah Christ, it's even in a major key! Terrible idea! Awful!

**Todd**: Oh and there's a third verse I hadn't heard!

**Mike**: I met some fans on Lafayette
They said "Tell us how to make it
'Cause we're gettin' real impatient"
So I looked 'em in the eye and said
"You don't wanna be high like me"
**Todd (VO)**: D-dude! Don't...Christ, I know you're sad, but you don't have to tell someone their dreams are stupid directly to their face! God, show some tact!

**Todd**: Okay, I was wrong! The remix is better in every way.

**Todd (VO)**: If you write a song called "I Took a Pill in Ibiza", it better be something you can take pills to! You can't be an earnest folk singer and write a song about doing molly at a rave, even for one line! Hell, the one with the dance beat sounded a billion times sadder and emptier! *[Back to the original]* Goddammit, Posner! You were always trying too hard as a pop singer and now you're trying too hard as a folk singer! You can't do anything right!

**Todd**: ...Okay he can write a decent hook. And you've got sharp instincts as a songwriter. "To show Avicii I was cool." Jeez...

**Todd (VO)**: But yeah, I do think this is a good song. It took a dance remix to bring out what was good in it; God bless you SeeB; but it is a good song.

**Todd**: That said, you gotta take my opinion with a grain of salt here. Let me explain.

*Clip of "Losing My Edge" by...*
**Todd (VO)**: There's an act, LCD Soundsystem, that's just a critical darling. And there are a lot of reasons for that, but I think a major one is that his first single was based around writing himself into rock history.

**James Murphy**: I was the first guy playing Daft Punk to the rock kids
I played it at CBGB's
**Todd (VO)**: This was tailor-made for critics. It is perfect music nerd bait. It's total pandering. In that sense, I feel like "I Took a Pill in Ibiza" is also music writer pandering. Except it's pandering to the single writer who's been keeping up with Mike Posner's career:

**Todd**: Me.

**Todd (VO)**: I think I am the only person who has ever woken up and asked himself, "Man, I wonder how Mike Posner's doing?" And you guys know I do a show where I look back at one hit wonders, right? Well, here's a one hit wonder who had a second hit about being a one hit wonder! The only thing that could make this more tailor-made for me is if he added some references to *[Picture of a soccer ball with various flags...]* international soccer, *[...Todd's dog Amy...]* tiny dogs, *[...and a chair.]* historical facts about the development of everyday objects...

**Todd**: ...I have very limited interests.

**Todd (VO)**: Despite how much I've busted on him, I'm happy that this is big. It deserves to be. And if Mike Posner can have a hit song in 2016...

**Todd**: You know what that means. It's about time for a Gudda Gudda comeback!

*Clip of Young Money - "BedRock"*
**Gudda Gudda**: I'm Gudda Gudda
I put her under
**Todd**: *[Excitedly]* Say the line. Say it!

**Gudda**: And I got her
*Brief cut back to Todd with his mouth open in anticipation*

**Gudda**: Grocery bag
**Lloyd**: Ooh
**Todd**: Yes! *[Throws his hands in the air]* Haha! ... God, 2010 was a bad year for music! Todd In The Shadows out. *[Gets up and leaves]*

**Mike**: All I know are sad songs
*Closing tag song: William Shatner - "Has Been"*

***THE END***

***"I Took A Pill in Ibiza (Remix)" is owned by Island Records***

***This video is owned by me***

***THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!***

**Lupa**: Stop stalking me, Todd! I've got a *Tremors* retrospective to do!

"Gangnam Style" will never get old!

If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I'm gonna be on ThatGuyWithTheGlasses forever.

I don't think they're ever gonna make a good "Star Wars" sequel. Just not gonna happen!

I will always have red hair. Like I have right now.