The (Redacted)

## Summary

The Crew goes on an important and mysterious retrieval mission. Bargie reveals an old nickname. Dar and C-53 put their knowledge of Flarnak and Garfons to the test. Nermut updates his personnel file.

## Plot

Bargie is showing Pleck photos from her past. Bargie talks about her rivalry with Tiny Toots. Nermut calls. C-53 updates Bargie's personnel file to add the name 'The Sensual Barge". C-53 reads some excerpts from Nermut's personnel file. The crew are surprised to learn that Nermut is only 19 inches tall, it is average for his species. Their mission is to retrieve an unknown relic from an unknown planet. The document is redacted but C-53 can receive it and upload the destination to Bargie. Bargie vacations at the unknown destination.

C.L.I.N.T.-7797 hails Bargie to ask what they're doing there. He tells them that there is a gatekeeper guarding the relic with riddles. C.L.I.N.T-7798 is attempting to answer the riddles. He gives them clearance to land. The planet is small enough that they can see the curvature. Bargie doesn't feel comfortable landing on the planet so she throws them out, barely giving Pleck time to get on a suit.

Rebel Leader Seesu Gundu reads sponsor copy for HelloFresh.

On the planet they discover it is very cold and there is no shelter, only gazebos. There is an entire garrison of C.L.I.N.Ts. They are greeted by C.L.I.N.T-7799. C.L.I.N.T-7798 joins them and offers to show them around. They are currently stuck on the first riddle. If 7798 cannot solve the riddle he promises to call an orbital bombardment and destroy the planet. They ditch 7798 and go find the riddlemaster by themselves.

They find the riddlemaster, Chad. After a few 'yo mama' jokes he asks the first riddle.

Q: "You are driving a space ship and four people get on, two people get off. An alien gets on. Two aliens get off. Three aliens get on. Two people get off. How old is the driver of this spaceship?"

A: "23"

Pleck answers it correctly.

Second riddle:

Q: "A frantaks sits atop a roof, shaped in the shape of an 'A'. So rolling down one side would be north, rolling down the other side would be south. Frantak lays an egg on the dead centre of the rooftop. In which direction does the egg roll, north or south?"

A: "Flarnaks don't lay eggs"

Dar answers it correctly.

Third riddle:

Q: "What did the zero say to the eight?"

A: "I like your belt"

C-53 answers it correctly.

Fourth (final) riddle:

Q: "A Tellurian goes to a restaurant. Orders a garfon sandwich. The chef brings by a garfon sandwich. The Tellurian takes one bite, runs outside and jumps into infinite space thereby killing himself."

The final riddle requires the Crew to ask questions to determine the answer. Chad thinks that hey have no hope of answering. Chad recognises Bargie. 7798 walks up to try and answer the first riddle and to have an aside with Pleck. The first riddle made 7798 feel like an idiot so he's going to blow the planet up. He negotiates for a few more minutes. Chad gives them a hint, he wants them to solve the riddle because he can't leave the planet until all the riddles are solved. He has been guarding the relic for 400 years. C-53 works out the riddle at the last second.

A: "There are 2 living Tellurians, and one dead Tellurian and a garfon. The two living Tellurians agree that one must eat the garfon and one must eat the dead Tellurian to survive until they are rescued. So, they agree that one Tellurian will prepare the food and the other will not be the wiser whether he has eaten Tellurian or garfon. He easts the meal prepared by the other Tellurian and then after they are rescued decided 'Perhaps I should find out what a garfon tastes like.' He goes to a restaurant, orders a garfon sandwich, eats it, discovered that he was the one who ate the Tellurian and decided 'I can't live with the idea I've eaten another of my species' and casts himself into space."

Chad unlocks the relic and warns them of what the relic is before they enter. It's a big hot bean, about 4 times the size of a regular bean. The bean has cooled to being fairly warm at 140 degrees. Chad starts to leave when 7798 returns and holds them at gun point while he orders an orbital bombardment, he plans that they will be destroyed alongside the planet. Chad decides to jerk his tentils one last time before the planet explodes. The crew call for a pickup from Bargie. Chad declines a lift.

Rebel Leader Rolphus Tiddle reads sponsor copy for Warby Parker.

They make a quick exit and call Nermut. They report that they got the relic but the C.L.I.N.T.s blew up the planet. Nermut is not impressed by the warm bean. They discuss Nermut's genitalia and ask if anyone has ever called it a warm bean.

## Quotes

"[On the topic of the first riddle] C-53: Why would your age change regardless of how many people entered or exited the ship?

7798: Eh, I feel like it would though..."

"When I put it there it was a spicy hot bean. I shouldn't have said spicy." - Chad.

"Toot toot toot!" - Bargie.

## Trivia

* Bargie dated Chandelier Bidet.
* Age is measured in standard years.
* The A-51 paradox: you keep getting closer but never reach the thing.

## Credits

### **Voice actors**

C-53 - Jeremy Bent

Pleck Decksetter - Alden Ford

Dar - Allie Kokesh

Nermut Bundaloy - Seth Lind

Bargarean Jade - Moujan Zolfaghari

C.L.I.N.T - Winston Noel

Chad - Michael Cruz Kayne

### **Production**

Edited - Seth Lind

Recorded - Braund Studios by Shane O'Connell

Sound Design and Mix - Shane O'Connell

Music - Brendan Ryan

Additional Music - Shane O'Connell

Opening Crawl Narration - Jeremy Crutchley

Ship Design - Eric Geusz