Background Check

Automated phone systems are more than frustrating.

## Transcript

Mallory: Thank you for calling Automated Background Check. Please state your name.
Jason: Jason Gray.
Mallory: Hello, Jason. Please state the company where you are applying for work.
Jason: Brown & Johnson Law Firms.
Mallory: What is the status of your employment there?
Jason: I've been promised I'll get a job as soon as I complete this background check.
Mallory: Excellent. Results of the background check will automatically be sent to your potential employer.

Mallory: We will now begin the background check. Have you ever been convicted of a felony, misdemeanor, or parking ticket?
Jason: Um, I've gotten a parking ticket, but...
Mallory: Recorded answer: yes.
Jason: Okay... okay, but I haven't committed a felony or a misdemeanor.
Mallory: Next question.
Jason: What? Did you hear what I said?
Mallory: Have you ever been convicted of money laundering, tax fraud, insurance fraud, or a parking ticket?
Jason: Okay, only yes to the parking ticket.
Mallory: Recorded answer: yes.
Jason: But none of the other ones!

Mallory: Please select your marital status: single, married with children.
Jason: Married with children.
Mallory: How many children?
Jason: Two.
Mallory: Recorded answer: two indentured children.
Jason: They are not indentured!

Mallory: Have you ever been convicted of murder or a parking ticket?
Jason: I'm not answering that!
Mallory: Recorded answer: guilty silence.
Jason: What?
Mallory: Who did you murder?
Jason: How am I supposed to answer that question?
Mallory: Recorded answer: a politician.
Jason: I said question, not politicians!
Mallory: Say yes if you are a college graduate...
Jason: Yes.
Mallory: ..or a serial killer.
Jason: What? No!
Mallory: Are you involved in any organizations, such as a church or a fitness club...
Jason: Yes...
Mallory: ...or a Ponzi scheme?

Jason: Look, is there any way we can go back and I could change my answers?
Mallory: Which question would you like to return to?
Jason: The serial killer one?
Mallory: As a serial killer, did you only kill politicians, or...
Jason: No!
Mallory: Answer yes if you are not a serial killer at all.
Jason: Yes!
Mallory: Recorded answer: yes, you are a serial killer, no, politicians were not your only victims. You are a monster.

Jason: Okay, I'm done.
Mallory: Are you willing to submit to a drug test?
Jason: No!
Mallory: Very well, by default, Jason Gray tests positive for every drug.

Jason: Okay, I am hanging up now.
Mallory: Ending the phone call will result in automatic failure.
Jason: I'm pretty sure I've already failed.
Mallory: You will not be able to reapply.
Jason: There are plenty of law firms.
Mallory: And a warrant will be issued for your arrest for murder and/or parking tickets.
Jason: Fine. Ask your questions.
Mallory: Which terrorist groups are you a part of?
Jason: I hate you so much.

## Trivia

* This sketch was uploaded on the day before the episode aired on BYUtv.
* This is the sixth sketch of Season 2 Episode 3.
* This is the first sketch since Just Jeremy: Sci-Fi Movies in which only one cast member appears.
* This is the third sketch of Season 2 Episode 3 to feature a voice-only role, after Williamson Dishwasher and Poker Face.
	+ This is the first sketch since Miss Frizzle's Performance Review that Mallory Everton is only heard.
* This is the first sketch confirmed to be written by Dave Vance.
* This is the fifth sketch in this episode to feature fewer than four actors, the only other sketch being Poker Face.