Serious Kidnapping

The Commander is kidnapped and Space Tree takes his sweet ass time saving him.

## Transcript

*(Open to Space Tree near a red phone.)*

**SPACE TREE:** I wonder if anything is going to happen today.

*{The red phone next to him rings, which he answers}*

**SPACE TREE:** S to the T. *(Split screen)*

**KIDNAPPER:** If you ever want to see the Commander again, you will bring what I desire *(wiggles fingers, full screen to Kidnapper's Lair)* to 448 Space Avenue forthwith! ASAP. And remember: His life is in your hands.

**SPACE TREE:** *(Full screen back to Space Tree)* Oh my Space Gods, this is a serious situation! *(Tosses phone into phone garbage, already holding several phone receivers)*

*(Computer jumps in)*

**COMPUTER:** *(Deep voice)* You've got mail, my brother.

**SPACE TREE:** I wonder who it's from!

*(Cut to computer screen. Windows XP style desktop. Window titled One (1) New Message. Cursor clicks play.)*

**KIDNAPPER:** This is the kidnapper here. (The commander waves in the background) Just in case you thought that was a prank call on the phone. As you can see, I really do have--" *(Cursor clicks X)*

*(The doorbell rings.)*

**SPACE TREE:** I wonder who that could be!

**TELEGRAM GUY:** Telegram for Space Tree the Space Tree. (A skeletal arm tosses Space Tree a piece of paper.)

**SPACE TREE:** Thank you sir.

*(The following letter is shown on the screen line by line and read in the Kidnapper's voice.)*

**KIDNAPPER'S LETTER:** Dear Space Tree, Why aRe you Not taking me SeRiously? :( It really HURTS that you'd force me to ResoRt to hand-WRITEING a letter FOR YOU |. I AM totally Serious NoW if You don't start meating my demands SooN - tHe COMMANDER Loses a hand.

Sincereally yours,

Kidnapper

xxx ooo

**SPACE TREE:** Well, it looks like I'm going to have to go down there and save that guy. *(A spear with a "Thank You!" sign shoots Space Tree.)* Right after I take a nap! *(7 Days Later)* Ah, that feels better! Now I REALLY feel ready to go and save a hostage! To the Space Tree mobile!

*(ST Mobile Transition)*

**KIDNAPPER:** *(Holding "Welcome, Space Tree" sign)* Well, I guess that Space Tree is not going to stop me. Well I consider this MY victory.

**SPACE TREE:** Not so fast, you kidnapping son of a kidnapper! *(Cut to Space Tree, still with the spear lodged in him)* Where them hostages at?

**KIDNAPPER:** Not so fast yourself! Did you bring the stuff?

**SPACE TREE:** Right here. *(Tosses Kidnapper a green box labelled "the stuff")*

**KIDNAPPER:** \*Gasp\* It's finally mine!

**SPACE TREE:** HAHA, sucker. There's nothing in that box.

**KIDNAPPER:** \*Gasp\* You lied to me? *(Getting Teary-Eyed)* You lied!? You're a liar, Space Tree! *(Runs off moaning)*

**COMMANDER:** Nice going, Space Tree! How did you know that being lied to was his one weakness??

**SPACE TREE:** Well let's just say a little bird told me.

*(A bird lands on his left branch.)*

**BIRD:** I have psychic powers.

**COMMANDER:** Well I just have one more question. What the heck-a-roo took you so gosh darn long to save me?

**SPACE TREE:** Come on, Commander. Don't you remember our little agreement?

*(Pan up to Space Tree's thought bubbles. Space Tree is wearing sunglasses and holding his branch on a bible sandwich. Commander has a moustache and is dressed as a ST cheerleader. There is a cup of candy canes upside down)*

**COMMANDER:** Do you swear on this bible sandwich that if I am ever taken hostage you will wait one week before saving me?

**SPACE TREE:** Yes I do. Now let go of my sandwich.

*(Pan back down to the present.)*

**COMMANDER:** Well I don't remember saying that but thought bubbles don't lie. Thanks for keeping your promise Space Tree. *(Holds up bloody wrist)* Now let's go to a \*\*\*\*in' hospital.

(Roll end credits)

## Fun Facts

* According to Ed Atlin, the below commentary track was "so embarrassed that [he] deleted [it]", although it's still available on the website.

## Commentary Track

Found on the April 2006 Secret Page.

**With Space Tree and the Telegram Guy**

**SPACE TREE:** Uh, this is Space Tree doing a commentary. How do you like that?

**TELEGRAM GUY:** And, uh, this is the guy who delivers the telegram in the upcoming scene. With one of my... most memorable performances of my career, I think.

**SPACE TREE:** Yeah... you can shut up until that happens, but, uh, this is that purple idiot with the... sweat all over him, you know? He kidnaps the Commander in this episode, and, uh... you know, that- the guy who plays that purple idiot is kind of a dick. I'll tell you right now. That's why he's only appeared in one more episode, and, uh... he kinda got shot in the face in that episode, because... *(laughs)* that was my idea, because I hate him. So, anyway, here comes this guy.

**TELEGRAM GUY:** Yeah, here comes me. You just talked over my line, but, it was- what I said there was "Telegram for Space Tree the Space Tree". Which was actually an improvization on my part. Cuz the script only said, "Here's a telegram for a tree", and I made up the rest, so... you know, I put that on my resume... I haven't been in many other episodes, but, uh...

**SPACE TREE:** Yeah, you know, it's been about 20 episodes since this one, and if they haven't asked you back by then, I don't know, it sounds like they don't want you back. But, uh... we'll see. Maybe.

**TELEGRAM GUY:** Well, you haven't really been delivered any telegrams, so...next time there's a telegram, give me a call and I'll- I'll do it. You know, I'll even do a non-speaking part, if you want.

**SPACE TREE:** ... Well, you- you're only a hand, so... you know...

**TELEGRAM GUY:** I'm not... I have a body. You can see me right here.

**SPACE TREE:** Well, yeah. I mean, I'm not looking too closely, cuz... you look kinda weird, to be honest.

**TELEGRAM GUY:** Oh, *I* look weird? You're- You're a tree.

**SPACE TREE:** Yeah, I know... But, uh... anyway, back to the episode... telegram guy... uh... that thing that they shot into the side of my head was stuck in there for literally a month. It- it was- ugh. It was pretty painful. I'll tell you that. And I- also, I don't know what the deal is with that bird, but I hate it. Even more than that kidnapper guy. You know, there's a lot of idiots in this episode, I'll say.

**TELEGRAM GUY:** What about me?

**SPACE TREE:** Uh, you're- you're OK, I'll say. You're not an idiot like those guys, but, uh... those guys have appeared in the show more than you have.

**TELEGRAM GUY:** Well, uh... my performance was better than this ending.

**SPACE TREE:** What, well... We've heard enough of your opinions, so... I agree, the ending kinda sucks.