I cyber bullied my best friend.

Back in November 2017, I think it was. I was dealing with some shit. My best friend of two years, we’ll call her Jane, was very slowly drifting away from me which made me depressed as hell. I considered her my best friend and one time I even told her and she started laughing. Jane kept trying to find other friends and it really frustrated me. She was trying to find a friend in this one girl, Emily, we’ll call her, who she was always in arguments with and another girl who she really liked/likes. We were always getting into arguments over stupid shit and she was always making me feel less than her. Like she thought she was better and smarter. And slowly but surely I started to believe her. That I wasn’t smart, that I wasn’t good enough for people.

One day, I was at my witt’s end. I had taken a really frustrating math test. I ended up getting like a 76 on it. Not absolutely terrible but at the time, it was weighing on me. I was angry and I needed to let it out. So I posted something on Snapchat, where I let out my anger at my Geometry teacher for making such a difficult exam. To be fair, it was difficult and took everyone an extra 20 or so minutes after the period ended (we have the teacher last period, so we had the ability to stay). A short while after, all my emotions and feelings hit me at once and I posted another thing. Bashing Jane. Telling people she was mentally abusing me, which was an over exaggeration in my opinion. I knew she didn’t have Snapchat, but she might now, I’m not sure. But someone showed it to Jane, I learned the next day. She didn’t speak to me all day.

But that day, I over heard her saying she planned on telling our Geometry teacher “something I saw on Snapchat.” I shit my pants and knew I had to apologize. After English, the last class I have with her before we would see each other again in Geometry, I asked her, knowing full well she meant what I had posted, to not show the teacher, and said sorry for what I said. She immediately got defensive and claimed that it wasn’t anything I had posted and it was just an article she had read and that she couldn’t care less as to what I had to say. I knew she had seen it. Luckily, Jane didn’t tell our teacher or any school official for that matter.

After school, I apologized to my Geometry teacher, telling her I had said something terrible about her and that I heard someone planned to tell her and that I’d prefer she heard an apology from me. She was so comforting and said that “it happens” and that she’s so proud of me for going to her about it. So I was good there. But at that point, I was more broken than ever. Many people stopped talking to me and rightfully so. I had one friend, who was very understanding about it, he didn’t and still doesn’t judge me for what I did and I can’t thank him more for it. I posted a public apology on Snapchat taking back all I had said and asked someone to show my apology to the friend I insulted as I couldn’t bring myself to do it myself. End of story. It was screenshotted so I assume it made it to her. But since then, I haven’t talked to Jane directly.

Once though, her phone was stolen by the girl I mentioned earlier, Emily. Who began texting everyone in Jane’s phone a random picture of a duck. I responded back, and was met with the same picture, no response. Eventually, Jane got her phone back I assume and said “Emily stole my phone, go away.” I then weaved my way into turning this interaction into a way to apologize as I still feel and felt terrible. She told me off by saying that she wants nothing to do with me and that I should “Look into comedy because that ‘apology’ was hilarious” at this point, I gave up. I was hoping she could find it within her to at least talk to me again, but no. Which should have been expected, Jane is a very stubborn person. But that was it. I made a mistake and I feel terrible but I gave it my best shot. I feel like if I tried to talk to her in person, she would make fun of me and I would probably break down in front of her.

Now, we make glances at each other a lot. I’m not sure how she exactly feels, she was never one to open up about herself much. Maybe she does wish she could mend things but if she does, I’m going to let her do that herself. I still feel terrible about this. The only people who know the full story are myself, you guys, and that one friend I have, who has supported me through it all. I know things between Jane and I can never go back to how they were, the good parts of it at least, but I like to not be making awkward glares all day.

As of now, all the people who stopped talking to me, except Jane, have began talking to me again, I can tell that some of them still look at me and see the heartless person who bullied Jane. But I feel happy for Jane. She has friends who care about her now, something I’m not sure if she could say before I did what I did. People glue to the victim, most of the time. I’m glad that they did. I’m so thankful that people didn’t agree with me and my terrible decisions. I want to thank anyone who read this all for hearing me out and listening to my story. Please ask any questions, if you have any, in the comments.