Chapter Three

*(On a paved city road… Avis, wearing his blue tuxedo, walks beside Vladek, who is wearing a dapper charcoal gray suit with a black shirt and tie, goggles still on his head…)*

Avis: Don’t be too disappointed. There won’t be a big ceremony.

Vladek: I don’t *want* a big ceremony. I just want a seat at the table.

Avis: Oh yeah. I forgot to tell them to get an extra-large chair for you.

Vladek: I can kneel on my first day.

Avis: What are you doing?

Vladek: What? \***walks in a strange zig-zagging pattern**\*

Avis: Uh… Trying to squeeze more exercise in?

Vladek: No! No. I don’t… Know why I’m doing that.

Avis: You’re nervous. But there’s no reason to be! Everyone will love you. I promise.

Vladek: If you say so…

Avis: After all, they wouldn’t let you in if they didn’t think you were a great mind.

*(In the Great Minds Hall… A group of distinguished people sit around a very long table… Avis takes his seat, and Vladek stands behind him…)*

Rainbow: \***an extremely dapper man with dark brown skin, a white with gray pinstripe suit, a silver hoop on his ear, and a black bowler hat… he’s standing at the head of the table…\*** Hello, Dr. Fray. My name is Rainbow Diamond. I am the Head of the Great Minds. On behalf of everyone here, I would like to formally welcome you to our group.

Vladek: \***modestly nods**\* Thank you.

Rainbow: Every member will now introduce themselves to you.

**\*a young woman with green hair up in ponytails and strange eyes that are black with white irises and large pupils stands up. She’s wearing a classic doctor’s coat-- white, and buttoned up asymmetrically, with large rubber gloves on her hands**\*

Lyric: My name is Lyric! I study technology! And methods of torture! \***eye twitch**\*

Rainbow: \***smirks**\* Lyric is our resident mad scientist. She does… Unique experiments.

Lyric: And I eat onions! But not as often as I eat ice. With salt. Right now my big project is creating light without the use of fire!

Rainbow: \***gestures to a person who doesn’t look like a man or a woman-- a rather androgynous individual with short brown hair, goggles on their head, a black leather jacket with a pink star on the breast, pale skin, and blue eyes**\* Mel is our astronomer.

Mel: \***their voice is perfectly androgynous, like their appearance**\* I am also a physicist. I’ve studied the cosmos for half my life and my goal is to one day prove that the moon has a surface that can be walked on one day.

Lyric: They also knit in their spare time!

Mel: I-- I do. I’m working on a pair of mittens!

Vladek: But we live in Venezuela.

Mel: Mittens for your feet.

Vladek: So… Socks?

Mel: \***thinks**\* Hey, that’s a way better name for them! Socks! This is why we meet here, to exchange great ideas just like that!

Vladek: …

Rainbow: Oh… Kay. Heh. \***clears his throat**\* This spidery lady over here is Dr. Greyer Diablo.

Grey: \***a woman with gray skin, four arms, and two large pink eyes with six smaller ones on her face. Her hair is short and dark blue, and she’s wearing a green men’s tuxedo**\* You can just call me “Grey.” \***closes half of her eyes and reclines in her seat, putting her four legs on the table**\* I study evolutionary biology and origin of life.

Vladek: Like Charles Darwin?

Grey: Did he come home from the Galapagos yet?

Vladek: I have no idea.

Grey: He thinks all life came from Africa. But I think it came from outer space!

Avis: Well, technically –

Grey: Hey, it’s *my* theory! Don’t steal it!

Rainbow: And this dark fellow over here is simply called… Switch.

Switch: \***a tall man in a gray suit with a red tie. His hair is deep red and poking out from beneath a black Kangol hat. At his side is a cane with some kind of jewel on the top. But his most notable quality is his right eye, which is completely pure white, with no iris or pupil-- his left eye is a normal hazel.**\* Why thank you for introducing me! \***unsettling laugh**\* I’m Switch, and I’m a pathologist. I study germs and diseases and coughs and sneezes!

Vladek: What happened to your eye?

Switch: What happened to your pituitary gland?

Vladek: It swelled up when I was eight years old-- HEY!

Rainbow: Dr. Fray, don’t ask about Switch’s eye. It’s rude.

Vladek: Sorry. I should know better.

Avis: But you didn’t.

Vladek: But I should have.

Avis: But you didn’t--

Vladek: I know I didn’t!

Rainbow: Uh… Moving on. \***he gestures to a beautiful older woman with porcelain skin, long, full-bodied silver hair, a light purple mini top hat, and a very ornate and lacy light purple dress**\*

Elanor: My name is Dr. Elanor Freer. I study microbiology, with a special interest in frog mating habits.

Vladek: How’d you decide on *that* special interest?

Elanor: Everyone in my freshman college class drew pieces of paper out of a hat that had things written on them. Sarah Finchley got dragonfly-keeping. And her teeth were crooked.

Skip: \***a young man who looks like a teenager with short, white hair and wearing a white suit with a blue tie**\* Hiya! I’m Skip Snow! I study different dimensions and quantum physics!

Vladek: Well, I’m not going to say you’re crazy, but… But I don’t know how to finish that sentence.

Rainbow: Skip graduated top of his class in astrophysics. At age twelve.

Skip: I can also do a handstand!

Vladek: A handstand? That *is* quite impressive.

Rainbow: Now that we’ve all said hello… Dr. Fray, our goal is to solve problems that require advanced intellects. Right now we are working on strange events that have been occurring here in Limerence. Things that defy conventional scientific knowledge.

Avis: \***stares into space**\*

Vladek: Huh. I see.

Rainbow: Now I am going to brief you on our day-to-day operations… First, you all arrive. Then you argue over whose turn it is to make tea. Then we have our tea. Then we all get angry at whoever made the tea that the tea is not sweet enough. Then Lyric usually starts crying. After about twenty minutes of calming her down, we’re finally ready to begin, but then Avis usually derails the conversation…

Vladek: That all sounds a little passive aggressive.

Rainbow: You think I’m passive aggressive? Really? You do? I mean, it’s okay if you do… Not like I have feelings or anything…

*(After the remainder of this painstakingly long introduction, Vladek finds himself at Roxie’s cube again...)*

Vladek: So tell me about the plants. Where are they from?

Roxie: You won’t like the answer.

Vladek: I never expected to.

Roxie: I’m more than just a monster. I am actually a demon.

Vladek: Uh… Cool.

Roxie: You don’t believe me.

Vladek: Are you kidding me? I’m willing to believe anything at this point. So the plants are from… Hell?

Roxie: Hell is a distinct world, and it has its own ecosystem. It’s the harshest climate there is. And the plants in Avis’s greenhouse were somehow obtained from Hell.

Vladek: How?

Roxie: Sometimes things from Hell appear on Earth for no apparent reason. But usually humans are repulsed by them, and they are eventually destroyed. Which is why I need to stay in hiding. But the plants… Instead of destroying them, Avis took them home and made them his family.

Vladek: \***facepalm**\* Of course he did. Why wouldn’t he.

Roxie: The problem with things jumping dimensions from Hell to Earth is that the longer things from Hell remain on Earth, the weaker the wall that divides the two worlds becomes. This is why as long as I am here, I will be only staying in Limerence. But those plants need to be destroyed. The small bugs that I have developed will slowly kill them. They will also intercept any pollen in the air and destroy that, too.

Vladek: How long have these plants been here?

Roxie: I’m not sure. Too long. I’ll tell you more after you give me that opium you promised me.

Vladek: \***rolls his eyes and takes a small bag out from his coat**\* Here.

Roxie: \***smiles**\* Thank you. \***takes the bag as her face becomes neutral again**\*

Vladek: I’d say go easy on it, but are drugs dangerous for demons?

Roxie: \***without taking the opium out of the bag, she shoves the whole thing in her mouth. A few unsettling chewing sounds later and she swallows the whole thing**\*

Vladek: ...Uh… Alright. Well, it was nice seeing you again. \***he walks backwards out of the door, not taking his eyes off of Roxie**\*