JAA'M

"Dogs are dead" - Will wright

### *"COME ON AND SLAM AND WELCOME TO THE JAA'M"*

Jaa'm is the sequel to dogs, as created in the first episode of the Spore Monster Factory miniseries by the McElroy Brothers. Jaa'm was created on a planet called Good America. It went through many iterations, and its theme song is Space Jam from the movie Space Jam.

## Cell Stage Iterations

### Jaa'm v.1

Jaa'm's first iteration involved an attempt by Griffin and Justin to put as many mouths and spikes on this dog sequel as possible, in an attempt to get it as popular as humanly possible. This plan, of course, worked flawlessly, but still, they continued to update Jaa'm in many ways.

### Jaa'm v.2

The second iteration of Jaa'm was somewhat of an upgrade, in that it gained an electric butt, but unfortunately, its eye-butt was removed in this process, and the Brothers had to realize that it is very hard to evolve when you can't see anything, even if you're covered in spikes, mouths, and electricity.

#### Quotes

* "Oh, I didn't realize you guys were still analog. I'm a digital dog, with five electric asses!"
* "Gimme your eyes, fat slug!"

## Creature Stage Iterations

### Jaa'm v.3 (v. 2.0)

The third iteration of Jaa'm was not well received, even between Griffin and Justin. Justin even says during its creation, "That's a funny trick to play on God."

#### Quotes

* "Hi, I'm the Gmail icon!"
* "Hey, Spore, why are you such a horny game?"
* *"Pros and cons. I hate the number of mouths that there are." "Bad to look at." "Bad to look at!" (not spoken by Jaa'm)*

### Jaa'm v.4 (v. 2.1)

The fourth iteration of Jaa'm was a much simpler approach. Tying back into their second attempt in the cell stage, the Brothers once again removed its eyes, in hopes that it would once again gain an appreciation for the beauty of nature, and never again become like the first attempt in the creature stage.

Jaa'm v. 2.1 is just a round ball with a mouth. Nothing special, not really, but it is because of that that he is likely the most perfect version the Brothers created.

#### Quotes

* "I need something to eat. Need something to eat."
* *"For Minions 2, we've taken a bold new direction. What if they were horrible, had no eyes, and...?"* "Banana. Mmm... banana."
* "Want... banana... I just want one piece of you. Wait, not water...! Please!"
* "No, wait, I didn't mean to bite! I... sell magazines! Please come back, I'll sell you a magazine! I sell Disney Adventures! You more of a Woman's Day fan? No problem."
* *"I can't look at this malted milk ball..."* *"This Whopper."*

### Jaa'm v.5 (v. 2.2)

This version of Jaa'm is described as "sort of like a multi-tool." The amount of claws and arms are "perfect for hugs" but can also help to open things like cans and packages. It also will act as a kind of guard dog, or guard Jaa'm, but it can also be very dangerous, and is constantly asking God why it was created.

#### Quotes

* *"I'm about to welcome a new baby into the house, and I was wondering, which breeds of Jaa'm are best with kids?" "Dead breeds. Pre-dead Jaa'ms."*
* "Hey, teach me how to tall! Teach me verticality!"

### Jaa'm v.6 (v. 3.0)

This version of Jaa'm was created to be "just a guy" until the brothers realized he looked "Just Like Bart" once again. He became, then, similar to Sonic, except now he has powers that I assume Sonic doesn't have, like poison lactation.

#### Quotes

* "Hey, somebody, come fuck this! Somebody come fuck thiiiiiiis! Somebodycomefuckthiiiiiiissss!!"

### Jaa'm v.7 (v. 3.2)

This version of Jaa'm is similar to the previous, but with much bigger eyes, much bigger legs, and many more nipples. Some would call it an improvement, and some would call it an affront to God.

#### Quotes

* *"That's quite a gait you've got there, son."*
* *"If you made a list of the last things you thought you'd see before you die, I bet it did not include a nipple barrage."*

### Jaa'm v.8 (v. 4.0)

This version of Jaa'm was intended to be "more of a dog shape" and something that would make people throw their dogs into the garbage to replace them with a Jaa'm. Opinions have varied on whether or not the moves they made to accomplish this goal were successful, but as this is another eyeless Jaa'm, it can safely be assumed that they were not quite so successful.

#### Quotes

* "My world is pain. Is anyone... still horny? ... Please..."

### Jaa'm v.9 (v. 5.0)

This one is "about what Will Wright expected" when he asked that every creature be given a mouth and eyes (though it's been proven that eyes are not strictly necessary). Due to its lack of legs, it ambulates very slowly, and it isn't particularly skilled in battle, though it tried its best.

It is after this iteration's death that Spore crashes for the first time for Griffin and Justin, and so begins a long, vitriolic hatred of the game.

#### Quotes

* *"Alright, let's cause a stir!" "...Well, it'll be a slow stir."*
* "I need to eat some boy first."

### Jaa'm v.10 (the FINAL version)

This version of Jaa'm is created to be a dog that cannot die, and will live forever. A dog with a fantastic head, a beautiful body, and so many options, because he was not technically created during the creature stage, because the Brothers made him when the game crashed and prevented them from continuing with the previous line of Jaa'm. This dog has lips, because apparently dogs would be better if they could kiss people back. It also has tiny little arms, allowing it to hug people back as well. Jaa'm has a second, secret face on the back of the creature, which glitches out somewhat when it walks.

#### Quotes

* *"The dog that kisses back."*
* *"This is a dog you're going to want to ask about your dating."*
* *"I'm gonna take this dog to SPACE!"*

## Tribal Stage Outfit

The second episode of the Spore miniseries begins with Jaa'm, the final version, gaining its tribal outfit. Jaa'm v.10, featuring wings, two faces, arms for hugging, lips for kissing, and legs, thick as can be, evolves into a smarter being, with a society of its very own, which is perhaps what dogs themselves are going to do, once humanity stops holding them back.

Jaa'm's tribal outfit includes a backpack for his applesauce, a skirt over his secret face for courtesy, double lip rings, and a Home Improvement-esque hat for style.

The Brothers play Jaa'm in the tribal stage briefly, before realizing he has no abilities, and soon delete the planet entirely.

#### Quotes

* *"Backpack for his applesauce! Backpack where he keeps his applesauce! Jaa'm's got the applesauce that you crave!" "Everybody catch this juicy Jaa'm wave!"*