259: Fred Greenman

## Summary

Will transforms into a bat and witnesses the Sooty Gang conducting a savage street fight, in which two ibish are killed when they set each other on fire. The gang chase Will away and with the party regrouped, they debrief at the hotel and discuss next steps. Having settled into their own rooms to rest before the big race tomorrow, Gwen and Kowl try and fail once more to summon Moondreamer, and then they notice that Gwen now has crystals growing out of her scales.

## Synopsis

Will in bat form flits over the streets of the Warrens, the huge Beartoggle Dam looming up on his right. The Warrens seem very quiet, not many people about. It's also dark, compared to the rest of the city and Will notices that many of the streetlights have been shattered. He heads towards where they'd been told the Sooty Gang's hideout is, tucked up against the dam itself in the back northwest corner of the district.

Eventually, Will has reached the far side of the Warrens when he hears a faint noise ahead, soon joined by flickering lights. Flitting closer, the noise increases and it becomes apparent that the light is from torches. Before long, the source is discovered: in the middle of the street, a circle of ibish, many of them holding up torches, surround two ibish who are stalking around each other, holding torches themselves. They seem to be swinging them at each other and the crowd around them is egging them on.

These ibish all have the same white feathers and black rings around their eyes as the ibish that Batthwack had approached in the street earlier. They're locked in some sort of a competition, apparently trying to strike each other with the flaming torches. Will, with his history of gang life, circles overhead and watches with interest as one of the dueling ibish lands a blow on the other, immediately setting them ablaze. A loud cheer erupts and the victorious ibish celebrates as the other ibish staggers around screaming. However, as if by chance the ibish that was set alight grabs the one that had struck them from behind, and suddenly they're both on fire. The crowd cheers even louder and the two of them collapse to the ground unmoving, forming a giant pyre.

Will flies around the area trying to catch sight of anybody important-looking, perhaps standing separate from the others, but there doesn't seem to be anyone. At that moment one of the ibish spots Will and a cry of *"Get it!"* rings out and they start cheering and throwing rocks at him. He turns tail and makes his escape, quickly evading them before landing in a dark, empty alley. There he transforms back into human form, but disguises himself in a dark green suit and red hair, doing his best to mimic the Beartoggle style of clothing, and christening this creation Fred Greenman. He locates the rest of the group, who have been making their way into the Warrens.

Will approaches and in a ridiculous voice says *"Hey, what's up? Kill anyone on the streets of Morrow's Inlet lately?"* Gwen sniffs, recognises a familiar scent, and replies off-handedly, *"Hi Will."* Sheemie is initially a bit confused, but Gwen explains about Will's many faces. Will thinks it'd be fun to identify himself to Sheemie by pickpocketing something off him, but when he successfully lifts something from him, it turns out to be a ruby necklace that was originally in Will's possession. Still in disguise, Will is struggling to express how upset he is by this, but suggests they go back to the hotel where he can have a word with Sheemie and they can talk more freely.

Wondering what Will's hiding from, Batthwack suddenly thinks he can hear an angry horde about to descend on them, even though there isn't. He hurriedly ushers everyone back the way they came and eventually they teach the lobby of the hotel. Calliope music still plays, but the group are relieved to find that once they ascend the stairs and make their way to the rooms, the music has indeed been turned off, as promised.

Sheemie offers to take the key to the suite, but Will hands it to Batthwack, saying, *"Sheemie, if you steal keys from anyone, I'm going to make keys from the bones in your fingers when I break your hands, okay?"* They go into the suite and Will shakes off his magical disguise.

Will's mad at Sheemie for stealing, but the group, especially Gwen are quick to point out the hypocrisy. Will argues that he never stole from the group, except when he's done it and told them about it to impress them. Sheemie admits to stealing the necklace, saying he did it to impress Will.

Batthwack tries to lighten the mood by pouring everyone a glass of Bufflin whiskey, though Will politely refuses. Will then recounts everything he witnessed in the Warrens. Thinking about the smashed streetlights and the fact they seemed particularly active at night, the group wonder if they should wait until daytime before venturing back. Raphina reminds them that the race is tomorrow so they should rest up tonight anyway. Batthwack says *"Maybe we can win the race. But suppose we don't... maybe we need someone like Sheemie around,"* causing Will to go into fits of hysterical offense that his own skills of thieving weren't top of the list. Gwen insists that they'll win it fair and square, and failing that, *"I'm sure that I could sweet talk the winner."*

Some tactics for winning the race are discussed. Raphina wants to cartwheel up the stairs and it's suggested Batthwack could remove his armour. Sheemie event suggests Batthwack could race completely nude to distract the other competitors. They remind themselves of the others keys: one is with the Sooty Gang and another with the dean. Gwen struggles a little with the ethics of obtaining these keys by any kind of nefarious means.

It's getting a little late, but it's suggested that Sheemie should go out and find out a bit more about the rules of the race. As Sheemie turns to go, Will attempts to pickpocket him, but ends up bumping into him. Will suddenly realises that Sheemie has stolen the necklace back again and chases him down the hall as Sheemie roars with laughter. He throws the necklace over his shoulder before disappearing out of sight.

The group decide to retire to their rooms, Will and Gwen in their own rooms down the hall, Batthwack and Raphina finding their own spaces in the suite. In her room, Gwen discusses the events of the day with Kowl, in particular the fact that they couldn't summon Moondreamer. Kowl says that it was different to when they couldn't make contact back in Morrow's Inlet, when it seemed like something was blocking them; this time there had just been no answer. Gwen casts *Mage Hand* and it works, just to make sure she can still cast the magic that Moondreamer granted her.

They decide to give it another go, especially since Gwen could use some of her patron's advice on what happened with the magical pouch. However try as they might, Kowl cannot summon Moondreamer, saying that like last time, there's just no response. Kowl's very upset and Gwen finds this all highly concerning. Suddenly Kowl notices that more purple crystals have appeared, this time poking their way out of the scales on Gwen's body at random intervals. She doesn't feel anything unusual, but a sense of foreboding comes over her. What if the pouch *was* bad? And now it's in her.

She barely has time to process this when Kowl arches her back and seems suddenly disturbed by something. Sounding panicked, she says *"Not good. Not good. Not good. Gwen, there's something happening. It's with Batthwack and Will! Let's go."* Picking her up, Gwen races out if the room.

## Trivia

* The episode title comes from KT's name for Will's latest disguise. Will changes his appearance into that of his usual Mr Brownman character, but with a Beartoggle twist. Eric: *"Greenman. Same as Brownman, but you have green clothes."* Various voices are tried out, before something like Kermit the Frog is settled on. KT: *"I have orange hair. I look like a leprechaun!"* This reminds Eric of the movie *Drop Dead Fred*, and voila! Fred Greenman is born!
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: fortuitous.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured KT doing a recap to the tune of *50 Ways to Leave Your Lover* by Paul Simon:

*[Verse 1]*

"The problem is down upon the lake bed," she said to me

"The answer ain't easy because there's gods involved you see

I'd really like to help the Anglerfish break free

But there are four dam keys to discover"

She said "I picked this place because of the peace it brings

Whenever I am near the statue of pineapple chunks and rings

Things feel right here there is a certain constancy and things"

But there are four damn keys to discover

To help the Anglerfish recover

*[Chorus 1]*

You got to win the staircase race

You got to see where the gang hangs

No need to digress, ex-princess

Just listen to me

There's nothing to inherit, Yarjerit

I just need to share this

Just find all four keys, please

And set that fish free

Oh, you've booked the suite, neat

But maybe talk to the dean, Raphin'

He's got one round his neck, check

Just listen to me

If all this makes you ill, Will

You got to swallow the pill still

Just find all four keys, please

And set that fish free

*[Verse 2]*

She said "A dark force keeps the Anglerfish restrained

At the bottom of the lake, as you may have ascertained

His name is Savnok and he was in your previous campaign

Remember the gross-eyed thing?"

She said "I'm so relieved you believe me and let me share

and I'm so glad that fucking rude guy just a way over there"

Then she got blurry, and we heard waterfalls everywhere

She vanished, we couldn't even touch her

Guess we've got four damn keys to discover

*[Chorus 2]*

It's time to get on track, Batthwack

Use your sorcery skills, Will

No time for marital spats, brats

Just get the damn keys

Take charge of your friends, Gwen

That's if you can stand them

Find all four keys, please

Set the Anglerfish free

Now that Batthwack's tall y'all

And your eyes have gems, Gwen

We got to take out this dam, fam

Just listen to me

We need help from the worm queen

I'm looking at you Raphin... a

Let's help out that fish, weeeee!

And have a cup of twig tea

## References

1. ↑ Rufio! https://youtu.be/DvTUkRSxE7o
2. ↑ Drop Dead Fred! https://youtu.be/VYxojalUplg
3. ↑ Will original refurbished the necklace from the Strahd's vampiric maid. See episode 140: What's the Swirly Plan?
4. ↑ See episode 254: I'll Hug Them Until They Enroll
5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 See episode 256: SmareSmoggle
6. ↑ See episode 209: Various Brick Sounds