ASM161 Confidence and Failure

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you know i've recorded hundreds of podcasts hundreds um i'm not sure if including interviews i'm over a thousand yet or not but it's entirely plausible and i still get a little nervous every single time right before i hit record there's something um i don't know something tough about a microphone it's so non-responsive compared to talking to another person hey everybody uh mike mccarthy here uh the internet calls me science mike if it's your first time listening to this program this is not the normal format we've usually got a theme song and a whole shtick uh but this week i just i just wanted to talk with everybody uh i'm back in a busy season of travel so falls for me excuse me the season of fall is for me a time where i'm on the road a lot and uh i you know today is my first day home and in about a week uh and it gets hard to to do the whole normal stick uh with the with the polls and the questions and the research so i just i thought this week we'd just talk just to to to stay together if you will and this may be something i need to do a little bit throughout uh september and october and even november in order to keep the show coming out regularly and greg's going to be super mad at me because he made me swear i wouldn't do any more episodes where i released it without him getting a chance to edit it but i'm recording this this morning and going to release it right after it's done so greg i apologize for going rogue and releasing a podcast without you getting to make me sound smarter than i am um but gosh it's just so there's so much going on uh so i've got a lot of travel coming up and i'll tell you about some of those dates in a second because i'd love to see you i'm in the final stages of working on my second book so wow uh most intense travel season coinciding with the last push to get manuscript for book two out the door and i am feeling the stress y'all i mean i really am and uh there's a lot else of other things going on in my life too so um well let's talk first about why i'm so busy traveling uh i've got a lot of events coming up first of all if you've uh heard i've i do this thing on the side called making your mark it's where i lead coaching programs for people who want to do the kind of work that i do meaning public work specifically public work designed to create an impact as opposed to make you famous i am not famous but i do make an impact on the world and if that's something you're interested in i want to help you so september the 25th at 5 00 p.m doing a free absolutely free webinar called making your mark and you can go to mikemcart.com or ask sciencemike.com click on the events button and then click sign up and you'll get the details on how to be there uh we're just wrapping up today actually our first 10 week making your mark group coaching course and it was amazing i'm really looking forward to you all encountering some of the work that people are creating as part of that class uh really substantive stuff really amazing things covering the gamut from spirituality to science to social justice which was not on purpose but i'm awfully excited about so that's september 25th october 5th and 6th is the liturgist gathering in london but here's an insider tip everyone this hasn't been announced yet but in the next couple of hours the liturgistgathering.com is going to get updated with some additional cities and we'll start announcing that on on the liturgist podcast and all other channels but if you want to be among the very first people to get your hands on tickets to the liturgist gathering minneapolis the liturgist gathering portland or the liturgist gathering nashville those will be on the website today as i understand it maybe i'm wrong but my understanding is those all get uploaded today so you definitely want to take a trip to the liturgicsgathering.com get more information about all those cities of course we've got our men's retreat called ken by the liturgist on october 12th through 14th it is completely sold out but we do have people canceling periodically so if you kind of go back there and keep checking in there may be more tickets available for that at any point if not we will certainly announce more of those retreats in the future october 17th in placentia california placentia i'm not sure how that's pronounced going to do an ask science mic live i'm really excited about that tickets are available right now uh october 26th and 27th i'm going to be at evolving faith that's that mega progressive christian conference put on by rachel held evans and sarah bessie so it's sold out too but i think people are scalping tickets and then i'm doing a conference on centering prayer november 3rd and 4th uh and you can get information on that it's in greeley colorado and that all those are on my events page uh so that's why i'm so busy uh and by the way a little less than half of my events are open to the public so if you're like well that doesn't sound like that much that's a little less than half of the the road trips i'm taking this fall uh so that's why i get so stressed out i'm gonna talk about other reasons i get so stressed out now i don't know if you just heard that we have a flock of parrots that lives in my neighborhood and in this region in the morning they fly through and they sing so if you heard that that's available at no additional charge to you this morning i'm trying to figure out instagram you know facebook stresses me out so much twitter stresses me out so much and i think that's necessary i don't want to withdraw from those communities completely but boy they upset me um and i found that instagram does not it's just pictures and i like pictures i'm a terrible photographer uh but i like messing around with instagram uh and i think i'm good at instagram until i see like my friend caroline lee uh her instagram has all these graphics and polls and just crazy stuff that i don't understand and then my daughter madison her instagram likewise befuddles me so since over 10 000 people follow my crappy instagram i try to take it more seriously to not waste your time and i try to figure out how this stuff works and so there's this thing on instagram where you can post a thing where people can ask you questions which you know i love to answer questions but i didn't know how it worked so i created an instagram story while i was in san francisco this weekend and said if you've got questions go ahead and ask them just so i can figure out how this works i didn't intend to answer any questions but there were just some really funny questions i like i like being a little silly a little frivolous on instagram and so i enjoyed like how silly all the questions were and then they got serious and one question came up four times that i wanted to answer today um and that question was how can i be confident or how can i have self-confidence and that really spoke to me uh that spoke to me a lot because i'm a person who has always struggled with self-confidence and self-esteem and i'm not alone depending on what survey data i look at apparently between 65 and 85 percent of people struggle with low self-esteem or self-confidence and just to note self-esteem and self-confidence are subtly different things self-esteem is your feeling of your identity and who you are self-confidence is your feeling and assessment of your capabilities the things that you can do those are slightly different i suppose you could have healthy self-esteem and low self-confidence or you could have i think this is the case with me a higher self-confidence than you have self-esteem either way i wanted to go into that question because i know so much about it from my own life i have had to learn how to have self-confidence in order to be a science mic i am so reticent to have and share opinions or think that my advice is worthwhile and yet for a living people ask me questions and they ask me for advice that i don't think i'm qualified to give and if i just wallow in a lack of self-confidence then i can't do the work that i do that people tell me helps them so the first thing i'd like to say is that if you struggle with self-confidence it's not just you who is impacted there's all kinds of unthoughtful people who don't struggle with self-confidence and in doing so really shaped the world in some uncharitable unthoughtful ways also some people who look like they're very confident and have a lot of bravado are actually masking low self-confidence people who are have genuine self-confidence can be uh quietly self-assured in many cases according to the research i read but a few tips i have for becoming more self-confident uh of course you know these come from me they are based on research the first one i want to tell you is because i like it the least and that is to take care of your physical body of being physically active getting enough sleep eating a good diet all of these things have been shown in research to boost self-confidence and i will say that one of the greatest growths and self-confidence i've ever had in my life was becoming a runner i started running i ran a 5k i ran several 5ks a 10k half marathon another half marathon a couple 10 mile races and then a full marathon and boy did that boost my self confidence um i started eating better and the the rigors of a training schedule forced me to get enough sleep so taking care of your body is a great way to boost self-confidence it just stinks because you get all sweaty and you have to make time in your schedule for physical activity for some of us that comes very easy for others of us that is very difficult another thing that is strangely helpful is to embrace self-doubt instead of pretending you don't have doubts to leave space for them and grace for yourself in having doubts about yourself and your abilities some studies have shown that athletes that allow room for self-doubt perform better than uh athletes who have 100 self-confidence so something about understanding that you could fail and that's just part of being human actually helps you be more confident and have higher performance overall which is kind of wild um having compassion towards yourself boosts self-confidence and we most people have a tendency to speak to themselves very harshly you know i i have a tendency when i mess up to say i'm an idiot which is a terrible thing i would never call another person an idiot but i'm so quick to call myself an idiot um and just giving yourself a little grace you know everybody makes mistakes just that as a mantra in your mind can help um one way you can help frame this shift according to research is to shift from the first person to the second person in your inner monologue we have found that when people use i in their thoughts they tend to be more critical than when they say you so i messed up i'm so stupid i'm a failure well that's going to create her self-confidence you did the best you could next time you'll do better you can do this because we have so much experience encouraging other people addressing ourselves as you makes it easier to avoid really uncompassionate critical lines of thought so that's a little trick you can use shift from i to you when speaking to yourself another thing for you know good self-confidence is don't compare yourself to other people that's really shown consistently in the data uh that when people compare themselves to others and they experience envy they feel worse and worse and worse about themselves and i i will say i'm quite good at this i very rarely compare myself to others the only place i get stuck is when i read books from someone who can write really well and i go i wish i could write like that but i'm even working on that because i write like me and that's the only person that i can write like and then another tip approach everything like play or an experiment lower the stakes just tell yourself that you're trying to experiment to see what happens when you face something that you're afraid to do whether that's giving a presentation at work whether that's a conversation that you're not looking forward to a negotiation at the office whatever it is that you have anxiety about don't mess with the negative self-talk you know don't work yourself into a pit of despair simply focus on an experiment say i'm just going to try this and see what happens in me taking that approach i'll just try this and see what happens has led to this podcast has led to my books has led to everything that i do i knew full well that most people who try to do what i'm doing now fail and i went in with an openness to failure enjoying the experience and seeing what i could learn from it and that little shift helped me become who i am that's why you call me science mike uh and i do this instead of fixing computers or creating ad campaigns this was all an experiment let's just see where it goes but it's not it's not that easy is it it's not that easy i just told you i don't know four or five or six different ideas on self-confidence and i bet you don't magically feel more confident and i bet even if you put those things into practice you would not immediately feel more confident so the biggest thing i want to tell you and a little this is a little bit coming from my next book and i've tried to keep everything from book 2 under wraps but i'll give you this tiny tiny little teaser and basically there is no secret to self-transformation or growth there is no thing you do that changes you there is no approach that can get you out of where you're stuck and towards where you want to go but people change i've changed the particular tactic you use for emotional growth for personal transformation is much less important than how you deal with the failure of that approach so i have much more confidence today than i had when i was in middle school or even 10 years ago but i i don't always i told you i've been traveling and i have been traveling and travel is difficult for me it really is i love it i love seeing you all i love seeing new places but i'm learning at this point in my life as a person with uh who's recovered from a traumatic brain injury who has been diagnosed as autistic that every deviation from my normal routine cost me something if i ate something different for breakfast or someone asks me a question while i'm brushing my teeth there's a small cost to my emotional resilience there's a cost to my mental clarity it's a very small cost but there's a cost and the more things change in my routine the bigger the cost so when i travel it's a it's a big cost indeed my energy levels get very very low the amount of mental clarity i have is dramatically diminished that's why even though i often have great dreams of producing the podcast while traveling i often find myself so overwhelmed and in such a state of shutdown that i can't even really figure out how to operate my computer in the hotel room in order to start recording so for those of you who've wondered why uh sometimes the show isn't consistent in its release schedule that's why when i travel i kind of halfway shut down and recently i've had some some stress in my friendship relationships while traveling and it pushed me over the edge so i was in san francisco for a friend of mine's wedding which was lovely and i enjoyed the next day william matthews co-host of the literature's podcast was in san francisco and invited me down to fisherman's wharf with a friend of his well other than tallahassee i've been to san francisco more than any city in america i know san francisco really well in fact along major routes i have all the public transit options memorized i don't even need to look at a map and so i knew that from where i was the easiest way to get to the fisherman's wharf was to jump on something called the f line which is a bunch of historic old street cars kind of touristy but it was an easy way to get there uh but it was super crowded so i noticed for capacity reasons they'd added a good old-fashioned bus to the f line and since the f line mainly addresses tourists that bus was empty so i got excited i hopped on an empty bus and started to head down to the fisherman's wharf well i got down to the water which is about pier two or three which is quite a long way from pier 39 and uh and the f line broke down these old historic cars they do that a lot so we were all just sitting there five minutes 10 minutes became 20 minutes and i wrote i can't just sit on this this bus line so i got off because there's lots of transit options in san francisco i wanted to see if i could rent one little bicycles but people kept standing by the bicycles they wouldn't they weren't riding them but they had their stuff in them they were kind of claiming them waiting to ride so i went to another bicycle option and saw that these uh didn't have any docks near the fisherman's wharf so i'd have no place to return the bicycle so i decided i would use lift which i try to because i care about carbon footprint i use transit options as much as possible and minimize the amount of ride sharing i do my lift app wouldn't work now this seems minor this is a very everyday occurrence i'm in a very familiar city but the way i work the way i function in the world is to always have a plan to have a backup plan for the plan to have a backup plan for the back i mean to an insane degree and here i was and guess what all of my backup plans failed and i didn't have a predetermined course of action the only thing i thought i could do is walk the rest of the way to pier 39 but i have very fair skin and i knew that would get me a nasty sunburn so i felt this pull between all my plans have failed i should return to my hotel to recuperate and i want to go see william so as as you've learned if you listen to the program i've recently been diagnosed with autism which is actually helpful for me it helps me understand why when i get overwhelmed i get this kind of brain fog and this lethargy but when i get put i call that a shutdown many autistic people call that a shutdown when i get pushed past shut down that's when i hit something that i call a meltdown and a meltdown is where i go from being catatonic to very very upset in a way that it's not even that i'm feeling emotions it's almost like i am possessed some other entity takes control of my body and i watch usually in horror as this entity does whatever i'm gonna do if that scream i scream if it shake i shake maybe i'll slap my face maybe i'll pull my hair those events have been relatively rare for me as an adult but honestly the uh the stress of being a public figure and leaving my familiar tallahassee those events have been a little more common for me this last year a lot more but enough that it's something i note and standing on a sidewalk on the water in san francisco i had a meltdown i started sobbing really loudly shaking um and we all have emotional breakdowns we all do this felt like not a very big thing to get that upset about but that's what always happens to me when all the plans fail um i don't know what to do and so at this point i'm not walking anymore just standing in one spot sobbing kind of swaying foot to foot and shaking and uh this homeless woman had been screaming at people who walked by not out of animosity obviously out of a mental health concern he wasn't screaming coherently necessarily and i was about i don't know 20 feet from her when i lost it and she turned her head and saw me and stopped mid-scream and her face kind of turned into a look of confusion and then softened and she said you okay hon and i didn't reply because i i couldn't reply and so this woman kind of gets down off the raised half wall she was on and walks over to me and put her arms around me and she said it's okay i understand it's okay i understand and if you follow my work you know that's basically my whole job is to say that to people so here's this person utterly rejected by our society who saw me in need and through her own difficulties reached out to offer comfort and empathy and understanding and i went into one heck of a shame spiral y'all i mean really um i made it back to my hotel but i didn't know what i thought about me at that point any self-confidence that i have built since being a bullied little kid it was gone and i thought who does this who can't handle staying in a nice hotel in a beautiful american city honestly what is wrong with me why am i so weak why am i so worthless why am i such a baby and i sat in my hotel room in the dark and quiet and i cried and then i offered myself some grace i said mike you have a brain injury you know travel is difficult for you you feel a lot of demands right now you feel like you should be having releasing an ass science mic episode should be recording that today you've got a book that you're working on you're you're anxious about travel that's coming up and you're tired it's okay it doesn't matter which tips i use to boost my self-confidence from the first part of this show if i only do it once or i only do it when i'm in a clear state of mind the most important thing to be a confident person is in those times where we really fail or where we really come apart emotionally that at that moment we have some strategy we have some mechanism to offer ourselves grace acceptance and to begin a process of healing and recovery and this morning i'm so happy that i had a meltdown on a sidewalk in downtown san francisco because i bet someone listening judges themselves just as harshly as i do for something even smaller and so that's what i want you to take from this episode is the next time you feel like you're a failure the next time you feel weak the next time you feel like you can't take it i want you to think of me a person that you respect and admire sobbing in san francisco on a sidewalk being held by a homeless woman and know that you are not alone and not only that i believe the people who can make the biggest difference have the biggest sensitivities that the very thing that makes you someone who is kind and empathetic means you're also someone for whom the world makes you weary don't be ashamed of your sensitivity understand that it is a beautiful part of who you are and something that not only makes you better but makes the whole world better thanks for listening everyone i'll talk to you next week