The Holy Roachaic Bible(By Menthastro Fraxinus)

# **The Holy Roachic Bible**

**Book I: The Origin Story**

*Once upon a time, there were only roaches in this world. Their lord was Roachus, the grandfather of the Dancing Roach. Then, humans came along. They stepped on roaches and sprayed them with RAID and stuff like that. Then, Roachus came along, and in a powerful voice, said "**Skee de de do de de do de de do do de da de da dooooooooooo!**" And all the humans were moved. The wisest joined Roachism, but by the time the Philosopher Roach was born, it was forgotten.*

**Book I.S: The Story of Origin II (The Roach Family Tree)**

*In the beginning there was the Dancing Roach, who was the grandson of Roachus, who also had a brother named Suhcaor. But how were they born? Well, I said "in the beginning", so what do you think that means? Anyways, before they split up after the War to End All Blimps, Roachus created an army of Lightsaber Roaches. The Philosopher Roach(Roachus' son, and don't ask how he gave birth. I do not even know how roaches give birth), decided to do what he did best: philosophy, and studied Roachus' famous words. But his sister, Roachiana, accidentally put a spell on Roachus, making him an avatar in a parallel universe, the Warped Rainbow Roach. Roachiana also had a boyfriend, which after they broke up, she cursed him to forever be moving in slow motion. That's the Slo-Mo Rainbow Roach.*

*A few roach decades(sehrumbumbs) after, Roachus' nephew, Roachudy(Suhcaor's son) conjured up the Roachian Hammer. He used it to smash a pig, which turned into the Ace Roach. Whenever the Ace Roach puked, it created mustard, which if compressed correctly, can make a Roach. Unfortunately, it wasn't(likely because the Mustard Roach was on lunch break), so Roachili came into existence. As a punishment, Roachudy was forced to marry Roachili, resulting in Mexican Roach, Trans Roach, and Ameroach. Then, in the mid 2000's(like, idk, 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 lumpumpums later?), Rickroll Roach(aka Rickroach) became popular.*

*When the world exploded into a million tiny blimps, Science Roach, Roachus' son, was destined to save it. He teamed up with his father, and together they created the Garvity Diffuser, a Garvity Harvester machine that would attract all blimps like a magnet, then harvest the Garvity. Suhcaor, who was happy that the world exploded, created Deformed Roach to try to stop the creation of the Garvity Diffuser. He fortunately failed, resulting in the creation of Roachico. About another roach decade later, Burning Roach was born from an exploding star. He was a peace-lover, giving to those roaches, and humans, in need. One day, he mysteriously turned against his family. When he was given the Holy Roach Taco of Kindness, he took the taco and threw it at Roachudy. He then unsuccessfully attempted to burn down the Castle of Roach, resulting in his fall.*

**Book II: Roachus and Suhcaor**

*Seven roach years(lumpumpums) after the Story of Origin, Roachus developed an army. He said that the army would help defend the Castle of Roach(Sę ćlastrř' seøn Řøãçħ). The army started with his brother, Suhcaor. Suhcaor was a brave warrior, and he trained very hard. One day he was promoted to Vice General of the Roach Army, and earned his share of Holy Tacos as a reward for his hard effort.*

*A few roach months(rumpumpums) after Suhcaor's promotion, he was getting ready to fight a war, later recognized as the War to End All Blimps. This war was started a few roach days(gumpumps) before, when a blimp was blimped. What is a blimped blimp you might ask? Well refer to the below information on Garvity.*

*Anyways, when Suhcaor went out to the battlefield, he saw no blimps. All he saw was shrimps. This is because shrimps are blimps and blimps are shrimps(Garvity below). He instantly felt bad for the blimps, so he went to squeeze them. According to a holy roach text that he read, squeezing a shrimp will revive it from it's hellish days of being processed for Garvity. The blimp then exploded into a glass of moldy crushed bread, and thanked Suhcaor.*

*The shrimp then asked him to be their leader, and he accepted with no hesitation. He then built a caslel. It was officially named the caslel caslel of the caslel. And from that day on, Suhcaor and Roachus became mortal enemies.*

**Book III: The Creation of Garvity**

“Melodic tissues… cars… no. Decapod crustaceans!” Science Roach jumped in excitement, as he just discovered a cure to the universe. “If we heat up the ankles of a decapod crustacean, we can glue the world back together,” he said to his father, Roachus.

“Yes, Science Roach, you’re a genius!” Roachus said. “Let’s do it!” So, after a few years, they created the Garvity Diffuser.

The Garvity Diffuser was a tank built underground, that would fire a thermonuclear laser at a decapod crustacean(or shrimp)’s ankles, creating a small amount of a valuable oil they call Garvity. Then, a microscopic wormhole would catapult this oil between the thread of existence, binding the universe together.

“Press the button already, dad,” said Science Roach. As Roachus pressed the button, a humming sound filled the room. Then, a short buzz echoed through the vents. The air in the room turned purple.

“It worked,” exclaimed Roachus, “But the Radiation from the Molecule Prioritizer is too strong!” They fled the building, just as a small, black dot flew through the roof.

“That’s the oil,” said Science Roach. They put their legs on the side of their head just as an ear-bursting *BOOM* filled the sky. The Garvity just broke the sound barrier, and was now heading to 99.99% the speed of light.

**Book IV: Garvity**

*What is garvity? Garvity is the oil processed from the heated ankles of a shrimp. What are shrimps? Shrimps are decapod crustaceans. Decapod crustaceans are not very good, as they are actually just blimps. I do not like blimps. Shrimps remind me of blimps. I do not want to think about blimps. But what are blimps? Blimps are shrimps and shrimps are blimps. The oil from a blimp is called garvity. Garvity can be used to create the mineral mustard, used to create the human brain before birth. Before birth, the human brain does not exist, it is all just blimps. Blimps are bad. Shrimps are bad. Blimps and Shrimps are very bad.*

*Gravity does not apply to Garvity, for Garvity is created from blimps (which are very bad), and Gravity comes from shrimps, which are very different. Shrimps may be blimps, and blimps may be shrimps, but blimps are bad and shrimps are bad in the same way, making Garvity and Gravity very different. Gravity is used to create the sword of coal, which is not made of coal and is simply made of gravity. But what is gravity? Gravity comes from shrimps. Shrimps are blimps. Blimps are shrimps. From blimps comes garvity. Everything is blimp or shrimp. Blimps are bad. I do not like blimps. Shrimps are also bad, but I am shrimp. I am bad. Blimps are also bad. I am a blimp. I do not like blimps.*

**Book V: The Book of Bob**

*Bob is a very good person. But he is not a person. In fact, he is a shrimp, making him a bad person. But Bob is not a person. Does that make him a good person or a bad person, if he is not a person? Bob is also a blimp, since blimps are shrimps and shrimps are blimps. Blimps are bad. Shrimps are very bad. In sadness, Bob went to Rick for a cure. Rick said that he will not give him up, which is the name of the cure. Bob went home feeling very sad. He cried. And the tears became garvity, because shrimps cry oil from their ankles, and Bob's ankles were hot, and Garvity is oil that comes from the heated ankles of a shrimp. So Bob created Garvity disbalance, resulting in the world exploding into a million tiny blimps and fading into eternal chaos as the sun set green.*

**Book VI: Apocryphal Ending to the Book of Bob**

*Bob later walked through the hot sands of Am Gezira until reaching a point where the land flourishing with water and small plants. He met an enslaved djinn and became his master. Upon asking his wish, Bob wished to become a turtle. So, he grew scales, a home on his back. Thanking the daeva, Bob freed him and continues to live on...*

*The rukhs, with their large wings and huge beaks, had clutched Bob in the talons and sped away, east, to the Agnivansha. Looking at the shrimp who's freedom was being taken away, the Agnivanshis pitied him and brought on of their best archers to shoot an arrow towards the rukhs. Bob fell flat to the ground, as a result, and landed on a pool of hot agnivanshi soup, where he was immediately turned into a turtle.*

***(Note: This story is most likely apocryphal and not true to the actual book of Bob. However, it's worth adding as it is better than nothing.)***

**Book VII: Skeenus**

*Skeenius is not a Genius. In fact, Skeenius is a Genius, yet he is not a Genius. He is ingenious and un-genius. Skeenius may be called a un-geni-geniusn't. Skeenius was a shrimp, but then his brother Bob made Garvity disbalance in the world which made it explode into many tiny blimps. Skeenius went flying on one of these Blimps, and he fell into soup. He went bloop in soup. Bloop is soup. Soup is bloop. Genius is Skeenius, but Skeenius is not Genius. Skeenius drowned in the soup and his shrimp soul became a turtle. Skeenius died happily ever after and that is why soup is sacred to Skeenius, the holy blimp shrimp.*

**Book VIII: The Simple Logic Behind Shrimps and Blimps**

*Shrimps are blimps. Blimps are shrimps. The reason shrimps are blimps and blimps are shrimps and shrimps are not shrimps and blimps are not blimps can be quantified with a single mathematical equation:*

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To learn more, click here.

**Book IX: Planes:**

*There is always time for planes.*

*Always, there is time for planes.*

*Even when your life is draining away, there is time for planes.*

*Skeenius endorses planes, and so should you.*

*There is always time for planes.*

**Book X: Lamidibapa**

*Once, in a kingdom that never existed, lived a thing named Lamidibapa. Since Lamidibapa was a thing, it was not alive, so technically, Lamidibapa did not live in a kingdom that never existed. Lamidibapa did not die, either, but it did not care. Lamidibapa existed in a kingdom that did not exist, putting it in a strange position. If one exists in a realm that does not exist, does one exist in the first place? Such was the paradox. Lamidibapa drove itself to the edge of insanity pondering whether it existed or not. It died as it lived, lonely, insane, and still pondering. Does Lamidibapa's soul wander? Souls do not exist, but Lamidibapa did exist, in a space that did not exist. In a nonexistent realm, do nonexistent things exist? If the realm is nonexistent, then the nonexistent things that exist in the realm do not exist. Lamidibapa left existence but entered existence as it left nonexistence and entered nonexistence. Lamidibapa was never heard from again until the world crumbled and civilisation fell, but as Lamidibapa lived in a realm that did not exist, Lamidibapa's world did not exist, either, and Lamidibapa itself never existed, meaning that Lamidibapa was never heard from in the first place.*

**Holy Roach Tacos**

Every time a Roach completes a goal, they earn their share of Holy Roach Tacos. These tacos are made by the Mexican Roach. Here is his leaked recipe:

**Ingredients:**

* 12 tablespoons olive oil
* 1 pound dead human paste
* 2 teaspoons breath
* 2 teaspoons holy milk
* ½ teaspoon dried human skin, grated to perfection
* 1 ton mustard

**Recipe:**

1. Mix all ingredients together
2. Heat them up 'till boiling in some water
3. Heat them up more
4. Heat them up 'till 718° F, the heating point to obtain Garvity from shrimp ankles
5. Cool them to -0÷0°(you do the math)
6. Put them in fried taco shells, dipped in milk
7. Serve fresh with topping of milk

**Book XI: The Story of Jeremy(Once Upon a Time)**

Once upon a time, there will existed a pumpkin. This pumpkin’s name was Jeremy. Jeremy was a pumpkin, existing once upon a time.

But Jeremy only existed *upon a time*. He existed in a blip, infinitely small, like an infinitely small dot on the infinite plane of time. The dot so small, some would consider it non-existent. But Jeremy existed. For that small blip, pondering his existence, until he disappeared, un-existing. Existing in un-existence. Un-existent in existence.

But we can place that dot in our time, so infinitely big, ever expanding. But in that large ball of time that we live in, an infinitely small “once upon a time” can exist. Does the mean that infinite Jeremies exist? Does that mean that our infinitely large space of time is infinitely small?

Would Jeremy be better off being freed from his constraints of time, the blip that he can only exist, once upon a time? Would the universe be better off jumping off that train of time, moving at a constant speed into a the wall of death. Can death free us from time? Did Jeremy’s un-existence bring an infinitely long moment of peace, free from that train moving at a constant speed? Maybe that train is meant to crash into the wall. Maybe only after we escape time, can we truly control our future.

We do not live in time, we feel it. Our fourth dimension, just outside of our reach, the cab of the train, just behind that door that will never be able to open. The captain will never see us. The fourth dimension does not care for us, just as we do not care for it. We just ride the train, accepting its control. Jumping off the train would be unnecessary. It would be like jumping out of existence. We can either choose to accept our life, our world, or we could choose to hate it. Want something more. Reach for something that will never be obtained.

Jeremy accepted his short train ride. He existed. He un-existed. He is happy un-un-existing in his un-existence existence. He is not un-existing out of his own will, but he accepts that he cannot exist in existence from un-existing in his existence, un-existent. So will you accept time? Will you exist? You do exist. Once upon a time.