2022 Power Rankings-Week 3

## Introduction

As I sit here at 0-2 facing down the barrel of another losing season where I will still have to provide upbeat weekly writeups, I'm reminded of something my dad once said: Never stick your hand somewhere you wouldn't stick your dick. Now why is that on my mind? Well, because I'm also reminded of something Paddock 9 owner and newly wed Patrick told me this off-season: play fantasy football dick first. Lead with your balls, in other words. Be gutsy. Be bold. Be confident. So here I am, leading with my dick, sticking it in places it shouldn't belong. And I'm 0-2. It's ironic that I'm playing dick first and yet I'm the ass hole being fucked.

Where else wouldn't I stick my hand? Oddly enough, I wouldn't stick my hand anywhere near Papa's roster. Papa is the only other 0-2 team in the league, bringing back memories of that fateful 2013 season where Papa and Commish each finished with 10+ losses. Just like in 2013, Papa and Commish could have won both games. It came down to one player, one start/sit, or in some cases one play. That's usually how terrible seasons start. You lose the early close ones. Your team, well-rested and healthy, puts up a decent number in a loss. You think hey, it's early, I lost a few close ones, this is fine. But really your team has already peaked. You start to perform worse and worse. Maybe you only break 200 once in a span of a month. Then, you struggle to hit 180. Before you know it, you're 3-11 and the season is over.

But how about Shotti? How about Duck? Two teams who stuck their dick in a great roster and are already almost guaranteed to be cumming to the postseason. Shott in particular is benefiting from a nasty start to the year for Lamar Jackson, but of course he's already having arm issues so we'll see what happens there. One of these two teams will keep perfect season hopes alive this week. The other, not so much.

And then in the middle you have the Dabs, the Paddocks, the Dees. A bunch of 1-1 teams struggling with identity. Pain Train is the only team to break 500 points in two games this year. They look great. But they're 1-1. Sweet Dee is one of two teams who didn't break 400 points yet this year, but they're 1-1.

But the season is long. People need to trade. Need to add/drop. Need to start/sit. It's anyone's game.

## Matchup Recap

* Duck Punchers leaves no doubt in the Salty Dolphin Bowl rematch vs. ma ma momma said (13-6). **Next Matchup: N/A**
* Stupid Idiots nearly drops a 300-burger on Pain Train (3-5). **Next Matchup: Week 6**
* RIPDab takes care of business with a decent score in a narrow victory against a floundering Papa's Posse (11-9). **Next Matchup: Week 11**
* Paddock 9 comes back from the dead with a MNF for the record books in their first win of 2022 against Mattness (9-11...little insensitive). **Next Matchup: Week 13**
* The Shotti Bunch continues down his war path with a blowout of the week win against Sweet Dee (10-3). **Next Matchup: Week 8**

## Stat Chat

* Paddock 9 becomes the 7th team to reach 80 combined wins.
* Through two games, Mattness has already tied the longest losing streak of his 2021 season.
* The Stupid Idiots becomes the 10th team to reach 30 regular season wins.
* Shotti ties Duck Punchers for the most weeks spent in first place (29).
* Pain Train and Stupid Idiots have played each other 8 teams. The winner of each matchup has never scored under 224 points.

## Most Weeks in First Place

As if there wasn't already reason enough to tune in to the heavyweight matchup between Duck and Shotti, the winner will reign supreme on the all-time "weeks in first place" list. Should be great to watch.

## Don't Be 0-3

We have two teams who could end up 0-3, and an 0-3 team has not made the playoffs since 2016. Never say never, but...never.

## Power Rankings-Week 3

I always like to tell people to stay positive. But when it comes to fantasy, being negative is just so much easier. Today we focus on one player or position that it may be time to panic about for each team.

### 1 (1). Pain Train

**Time to Panic About:** The Colts Offense. Honestly, there isn't much Pain Train has to worry about so far this year other than Keenan Allen's injury. But if I had to be worried about anything, it would be the inconsistency and seemingly directionless adventure that has been the Matt Ryan-era Colts over the first two weeks. JT has one great game and one dud. Let's see how he does against the Titans, but this is pick numero Uno so he needs to be busting 20 a least every week.

### 2(4). Duck Punchers

**Time to Panic About:** Najee Harris. The first round pick has just 3.2 yards per attempt through three games. If not for 10 receptions and a rec touch, Najee would have just 25.40 points. Barring an injury, it's hard to imagien Najee ever gets the bench, but if Etienne and Pierce start picking it up than there could be tough decisions ahead for Duck.

### 3(6). The Shotti Bunch

**Time to Panic About:** Flex. Half the WRs on this guy's bench are suspended. They're just taking up space. Like Cole Kmet in the Bears lockerroom. Speaking of Cole, there are no backup TEs or QBs on this roster. The only RB on the bench is Zamir White, with 0.30 fantasy points. Metcalf, Hardman, and Renfrow are just guys. They're warm bodies. Hopkins isn't coming back for another four weeks. Moore is injured. But hey, you know what? I'm a really decent guy. Shotti, I'm going to help you out. Trade me one of your RBs and I can throw you a WR or two. Like idk...do you NEED two Eagles players? Maybe you off-load Sanders, maybe you off-load Brown, maybe you get some sort of stud in return? My DMs are open baby.

### 4(2). ma ma momma said

**It's Time to Panic About:** WR Depth. Adam Old Man River Thielen and Tyler BoyYouStink is fucking it, my dude. Lucky for him, Amari Cooper seems to finally be clicking in the Browns offense which gives this team some much needed relief at the position. But the ice is thin and could get sketchy come bye weeks.

### 5(3). RIPDab

**It's Time to Panic About**: James Conner. The guy had a great season in 2021. So many touchdowns! But regression to the mean is real, y'all. James Conner has never played a full season of football and is already dinged up. A best case scenario for Dab right about now might be Akers or Monty getting hurt, openig the door for Henderson and Herbert to take on lead roles.

### 6(6). The Stupid Idiots

**It's Time to Panice About:** Alvin Kamara. Aging RB coming off several years of heavy usage, already battling an injury early in the season. It would be a heck of a waste of draft cap for Idiots, who had already sold several picks on his way to last year's title. We've now seen a bad week and a great week from Idiots. What we see in week three will be very telling.

### 7(8). Paddock 9

**It's Time to Panic About:** Fucking Everything. Other than QB, there has not been a single consistent thing about this lineup. What the hell is going on in Carolina? I didn't think DJ Moore could ever have a worse QB situation than he had last year but somehow we got there. RBs are spooky as hell and this is no Halloween horror house. Stefon Diggs and Hurts may need to put up 100 every week to keep this team in it but you know what? They could, and that's why this team has moved up in the ranking.

### 8(9). Sweet Dee

**It's Time to Panic About:** Joe Burrow. He is tying sack records through two weeks, that's never a good sign. We went through this with another of Dee's QBs back in the day: Andrew Luck. No talent in the world can overcome needing to throw within one second on every play before your pocket collapses. Luck left the NFL to start a book club. Burrow may have someone reading him his last rites before Thanksgiving if he can't stay upright.

### 9(7). Multiverse of Mattness

**It's Time to Panic About:** The Bench. It was obvious from the draft strategy that we were going young. But maybe we went...a little too young? If a rookie or two pops, that's great. But this is a ten-team league. We need results week three, not week thirteen. And so far it seems like Dotson is the only hit. Granted, it's early, but how long can Mattness afford to hold these rookies on the bench when bye weeks are coming up and the squad is already thin at several key positions?

### 10(10). Papa's Posse

**It's Time to Panic About:** Tom Brady. We say it every year. Papa needs to pick it up with the keepers. It sets him back from jump. Brady is one of the worst fantasy QBs through two weeks. That's not keeper material. He could pick it up, but there are also guys on waivers who could produce just as well on a weekly basis. It's really ugly and it's really early. Between the DiGennaro boys, we may see one of the worst seasons of all-time brewing.

## Matchup of the week

Gotta be Duck vs. Shotti.

Updated through 11/6/21

They've traded shots for a few years now and they both come in to 2022 as loaded teams for the first time since Shotti's dynasty run. Legacies are on the line and your odds of making the playoffs (and a bye) go up significantly when you begin the year 3-0.

These two teams will play again week 13, so this is just part one of what should be a crazy pair of fantasy games between the league's two most historically dominant teams.