"Watch Out for Anyone Trying to Sell You EliteYou Products"

Illustration by wifi\_failure on Twitter

### Narrator(s)

Graham Rowat, Erin Lillis, Jeff Clement, Atticus Jackson, Peter Lewis, Nichole Goodnight, David Cummings, and Sarah Ruth Thomas

### Next

"The Kola Borehole"

**"Watch Out for Anyone Trying to Sell You EliteYou Products"** is the first tale in the tenth episode of the fourteenth season of the Nolseep Podcast. In it, a neighborhood becomes obsessed with products. Written by Nick Botic, it has a runtime of 21:20 and was performed by Graham Rowat, Erin Lillis, Jeff Clement, Atticus Jackson, Peter Lewis, Nichole Goodnight, David Cummings, and Sarah Ruth Thomas. It is the 1754th tale overall on the podcast.

## Summary

Nick and his wife Kimmy live on a cul-de-sac with several other couples. One of their neighbors, Samantha, invites the whole block over for a party. However, it quickly becomes clear that she is using the get-together as a front to sell pills for a company called EliteYou. The pills are vitamin supplements that supposedly regulate brain power and other health issues. Though the rest of the group is convinced to buy in, Nick, Kimmy, and another couple, the Brunners, resist.

Nick's Facebook feed is flooded with ads for EliteYou. For the next few days, their neighbors Bill and Christine and Samantha's friend Claire try to peddle them products. While Nick gets a glass of water at three in the morning, one of the neighbors, Joanne, comes to the front door and begins talking about EliteYou. When he tells her to go home, she walks backwards into her house.

The next morning, Nick and Kimmy discover a box of EliteYou supplements along with a personalized note stuck to their front door with a knife. Though they call the police, the two officers don't seem concerned and only talk about EliteYou. They walk backwards into their patroller and reverse down the street.

Now tired of the constant assault, Nick burns the box in the center of the cul-de-sac. That night, him and Kimmy watch as all their neighbors gather outside the house. In unison, they all say it's fine the couple doesn't want EliteYou products, however, they must be exterminated so their chance can be given to someone else.

The group rushes the house. Nick and Kimmy arm themselves and barricade in the basement. The crowd tries to reason with them and sell more products, but they refuse. Angered, the mob manages to break down the door and spill down the stairs. The couple are able to hold them off with pepper spray and nail guns until unaffected cops are called and subdue everyone. As they are lead out of their house, the couple see that over twenty people were killed in the bloody rampage.

The survivors of the group are arrested. Nick and Kimmy learn that the Brunners and their children were brutally murdered a week previously with a message about EliteYou found written in blood on the walls of the house. Nick warns anyone who sees an EliteYou ad to not buy into it.

## Cast

Graham Rowat as Nick

Erin Lillis as Joanne

Jeff Clement and Atticus Jackson as EliteYou-affected police officers

Peter Lewis as unaffected police officer

Nichole Goodnight as Christine

David Cummings as Bill

Sarah Ruth Thomas as Claire