Ted

## Bio

**Ted** was a comedy monologue performed solo on stage by Benny Hill with a pronounced accent on October 28, 1970.

## Lyrics

(Note: "Verified as accurate.")

I used to envy Ted...

Not just the things he said but his attitude and his criminy little ways.

I mean, you might not think it, but I'm quite naïve

But Ted is, well, he's suave,

And he's cool and sophistic-i-ted and blasé

I mean you take the other day, he took that Betsy Mae up that pasture land just past the gravel pit.

He kicked a sleeping cow and made it get up and walk away so that she'd have somewhere warm and dry to sit.

'N they's alone there in that field, and she's just about to yield

And her dad turns up and starts to raise his voice.

He says, "Are your intentions honorable or dishonorable, my man?"

And Ted says, "What, you mean, I gets a choice?"

Similar thing happens to me a week last Saturday.

I end up with a swollen bleedin' lip.

I was with her big brother Ray he says, "Do you know my sister, Mae?"

And like a tool fool, I said, "No, but thank you for the tip!"

Well, I was with that Patsy O'Toole 'n' in this field there's this cow and this bull,

And they was....... you could see they was friendly anyhow.

I turns to her I says, "Hey Pat, I wouldn't half like to do that."

She says, "Well why not ask? She looks a friendly cow."

Old Ted's in these 'ere digs and the landlady treats them like pigs.

Well, you can't blame her 'cause they ain't exactly elite.

One day, she goes round the bend.

She says, "All right, pack your things, that's the end.

"Clear out. You ain't even having a bite to eat."

Well, others all goes white, 'n Ted, he says, "All right, and there's plenty of landladies could use some extra loving..."

"I'll not be homeless long 'cause I'm virile and I'm strong."

She says, "I'm not talking to you. Your dinner's in the oven."

Once I had to go to Loo....... the train left from Platform Two.

I gets to the hotel tired, so I undressed.

In walks a chambermaid real slow with a dress that's cut so low...

If I'd have stood on tippy-toe, I could've seen her vest.

She said, "I just come to say good night,"

"And to see you're all right in that bed all warm and comfortable and wide."

"Is there room for another in there?"

I looks up I says, "Oh Yea."

She says, "Well, shove up, there's a commercial traveller outside."

Old Ted meets this fancy piece in town and Ted don't hang around.

He's back inside her flat quick as a wink.

She starts to pour him a gin and then, and says "Now you will tell me when?"

He says, "Right after I finish that there drink."

He looks after his self all right well he stays there half the night.

When he leaves he says "I shall be toddling off now, Sadie."

She says,"Just a minute, honey, don't forget the money."

He says, "Cor, I couldn't take money from a lady!"

I was telling him about Sally,

And that afternoon in her chalet

I tell him, "That day I very near lost my heart."

I says "Hope you like beer, I got a quart in."

"'N' I don't know much about courtin' but come here,

And I'll feel your back side for a start."

'N' she puts some sun oil in my hand, and she says, "Wouldn't it be grand if you rubbed that on me to protect me from the sun."

Ted says, "Was she all white and milky, and was her skin all smooth and silky?"

I said, "I don't know. I had my mittens on."

Old Ted gets back the other day -

Six weeks he'd been away.

He's staying with some woman up the West End.

Then a letter arrived for me, implying explicitly,

A connection between me and his new found friend.

I says "Now Ted I wants the truth."

He says, "Well, she was a bit old in the tooth."

"And I suppose I should be ashamed of what I did,"

"But I give her your name instead of mine."

"Is that all right?"

I says, "Fine, she just died and left me half a million quid!"

So if anybody wants a nice lad...

Good looking boy with a few coppers...

I got some notes you know.......

## Episode(s)

* The Underwater World Of Jacques Custard