David Wain, Our Close Friend

**"David Wain, Our Close Friend"** is the thirty-fourth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Hayes and Sean defend celebrity voice actors by creating their own vocal characters in the segment Voice Choice. Then DAVID WAIN, director and lovemaking mentor, arrives to tell the story of how he got to be director, pitch his take for the reboot of *Million Dollar Arm*, address what is perhaps Engineer Cody’s greatest error yet, and answer questions from listeners about prom and his friendship with the rapper Jay-Z.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Hayes over the theme: "Soo I'm with uh, I'm with Bai, uh, Ling ("Ugh!") and we're uh, we're kissing kissing kissing, blah blah blah, kiss kiss kiss ("Yeah.") Uh And she's like 'I think I really like you!' and I'm like 'Oh, you thought this was for real? You're an object on my *scavenger hunt."*
* Sean and Hayes love the movies first. They're studiers of the movies, imagine Sean in his little sailor's outfit while listening, in his short pants, book with the straps, and apple for teacher, skipping down the sidewalk. Teacher please give him a big kiss for getting good grades.

### Guest Segment

* Hayes over the theme: "So I say to Lucy.. Ball. 'Uh, you know just like pop the hood, and I'll take a look.' I pop the hood, look inside: Vivian Vance is in there, eating the engine! She thought anything that is hot is meat."
* The guys try to remember when they met David. At the club? They decide it must have been that tantric fucking workshop.
* Marquee is now shit. They seem to be doing kind of an.. ethnic thing. David is into the multi-cultural stuff, but he gets it. Sean is glad he checked them all off
* Hayes had a real at the fucking workshop: it's so much easy to make it go for longer if you don't have an erection.
* The guys like to live on the edge of wrong.
* David used to do play acting and play these insane characters, and now he's doing director. "Movies is being director's medium." Look at Trufeau, Bergman, D.W. Griffith
* That song "Happy" is from movie. "Don't worry! Be happy!" And the happy song from the gentleman with the hat, Mike Myers. That hat is so funny, Sean could just talk about it and reference it for days, and he doesn't think it will ever stop bringing him joy. David: "Do you think.. it would not get.. old hat?" causing Hayes's signature loud laugh
* A discussion of Bill Smith on the set of ...*Bagger Vance*. They suggest David tell a salacious story from the set that is completely unrelated, a complete blind item: David visited the star of *Independence Day* in his trailer, and this mysterious star suggested they give each other blow jobs. So they're doing it, doing it for 80 minutes or so. David starts worrying he's not going to complete. This star goes to craft services and gets two big crullers. Crullers are like a sweet bread, or cake. Kind of like doughnuts? Anyway, he puts the crullers on his thing, this was enough to allow completion
* Let's talk about reboots! *Godzilla* and *Spider-man* and they're so big right now, doing a nice piece of business. David, Sean, and Hayes are working on a reboot of *Million Dollar Arm*- a sweet story in a dystopian future where we're all out of white baseball players, but the hero thinks there could be a player that is not white. Jon Hamm is not signed on, Aasif Mandvi is. Pride Fighting is also going to be in the film.
* Jon Hamm goes in the bathroom and throws up a lot.. he could die soon.
* The guys ask if it's professional that the engineer's girlfriend was invited to the recording. David found it discomforting, disquieting, rude, inappropriate, solipsistic. Hayes thinks this is because Cody tried to display that he's friends with the hosts. David speculates that Cody hates women. David, Sean, and Hayes love them. Sean's weakness is beautiful women. David knows a woman who is a lawyer!
* "Only boring people get bored," -Sean's English teacher

## Recurring Segments

* Voice Choice - some criticisms are levied that only big movie actors landing roles in voice acting, like Ryan Reynolds in *Turbo,* Bradley Cooper in *Guardians of the Galaxy.* Sean and Hayes give each other a character to do and we the listeners get to see what goes into the creation of the voice.
	+ Voice acting is harder and more painful than giving birth. Also similar, Sean likes to have a good rollicking fuck before to get in the right headspace, before bearing the rich fruit of animated voice.
	+ Sean gives Hayes the character: **Grampa PopPop**, the champagne cork in the movie that takes place in the rich man's cabinet, the environment of which is like a concentration camp: classes among the various drinks. Grampa has seen everyone come and go, he imparts wisdom to the younger drinks (Hayes performs an extensive vocal warm-up to prepare). The voice has a real Asian influence, like Sean's sake bottle character. More of an internment camp vibe, which Hayes thinks are bad too
	+ Hayes give Sean the character: **Pool Moose**,a moose that wanders in from the woods one day and gets trapped in a pool. He realizes that he can swim really well and that becomes his dream, and he's adopted by a human family and he's sort of put through the rigors of swimming against humans in big competitions. "Hey! The only one of *me*, that's like *me,* is ME, baby!"
* Popcorn Gallery - featuring the debut of Tim Treese's Popcorn Gallery Theme song! David remarks that it has jazzy influences. Tim is very rich and has a lot of money as a silicon valley guy.
	1. CORPSEFUCKER SHITLORD - "David, two girls at my school both like me, but I can only take one to prom. What should I do?"
		+ Call Jenny (one of the girls) in the afternoon, the day before the prom. She'll say yes because she likes you. Call Debbie right afterwards, say you want to go to prom with her. You have two dates, put a clothespin on your nose and call Jenny back and say you're sick so she won't come. If she does decide to go, pop her tires with a bazooka. If Debbie is stacked in her bust, built, and Jenny is like a paperback book that's buxom, tell them both you're sick
	2. OcterDoctopus - "David, you recently got into some trouble after you made certain comments about how you would have reacted if you were Jay Z and what you would do if quote 'any woman got in my face on that elevator.' Is that because you're a New Yorker?"
		+ Yeah. There's a certain code in the streets if you're a Ne
		+ w Yorker. And he's friends with Jay Z, the guy who did the remake of "Walk This Way" the Aerosmith song.
	3. Bozos (of basketball) - "David, as a director, do you still need to read directions on things?"
		+ No, of course not. He installed his new TV without them, through the directions away in the trash.
* Pro Version - Bozos (of basketball) - ~~Melissa~~ Alyssa, Cody's girlfriend, apologizes

## Recurring Jokes

* Comic Books + Nerds - the nickname the boys had for the tantric fucking workshop was "Professor Xavier's School for the Gifted." They're nerds! Hayes was Beast. Sean thinks he had a Cyclops stickin' out of his pants.
* Speak on That - David is asked to speak on having a distinctive visual style as a director. On how Cody bringing his girlfriend to the recording is solipsistic.
* Mark - Mark has a real skill at predicting what will come up on the popcorn gallery
* Doesn't Own a TV - David recently bought a TV, Sean doesn't own one. There wasn't even a cord to cut. He can't even picture it
* Hamburger Sandwich - Sean will eat meat, he has hamburger sandwich
* Hayes's Loud Laugh - That song "Happy" is from movie. "Don't worry! Be happy!" And the happy song from the gentleman with the hat, Mike Myers. That hat is so funny, Sean could just talk about it and reference it for days, and he doesn't think it will ever stop bringing him joy. David: "Do you think.. it would not get.. old hat?" causing Hayes's signature loud laugh

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, David Wain, Sean ClementsSean, David Wain, and Hayes bussin' up in the studioHayes, Sean, and David Wain in the studioHayes, Sean, and David Wain in the studio