Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven, Christmas Edition

A boy's Christmas greed is taken to a new level as he confronts Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.

## Transcript

Once upon a midnight cheery

While I waited weak and weary

Near the fireplace, as I've done on Christmases before

While I nodded, nearly napping,

Suddenly there came a tapping

As of reindeer gently rapping

Rapping atop the highest floor

I whispered quietly: "It's him!"

Or perhaps I screamed it like a wild boar

Time to get my gifts galore

Ah, distinctly I remember

It was the 24th of December

And I had just sent several letters saying I'd been good the year before

Eagerly I wished the morrow

No more would I have to sorrow

For I had wished the perfect gift

That no one else had wished before

Toys-R-Us had many choices I could surely not ignore

So I requested the entire store

Filled with wonderful elation,

Waiting with anticipation,

By the fireplace, until I heard a knock upon the door

"That was odd," I thought confused,

"Why would Santa use the door?"

"Right," I recalled, "this thing is fake,

And simply set up for decor

In fact, it plugs into the floor

Perhaps if I'd been slightly stronger

I'd have waited slightly longer

But I wanted my gifts right now

So I ran to reach the door!

Once he had stepped foot inside

Then I would offer him a bribe

And stand and watch as he supplied

The many gifts I'd humbly asked before

Here I opened wide the door

Darkness there, and nothing more

Back into the chamber turning,

"Holy snickerdoodle!" I said as I lay prostrate on the floor,

"Surely couldn't you have waited just outside the front door?"

"No matter," said I. "I won't keep you long,

Just leave the gifts and hum a song,

For I know you have a very long

And busy night in store."

With a single gift: "Less is more."

Umm...." I said, "I disagree."

Trying not to let him see

That what I wanted most for me,

Wasn't toys from the first World War.

"I did not want one toy," thought I, "I wanted the entire store!"

I argued back: "More is more!

Then the Santa condescending,

His lame and pithy gift rescinding,

Took whate'er his stupid thing was,

And dropped some coal onto the floor.

"You're no longer on the nice list,

And this present you will soon miss,

Because coal is stupid."

Not only had he crushed my dreams,

He ruined the whole rhyming scheme!

And his cold judgmental gleam

Did cause a rage ne'er known before.

Time to even up the score.

"You will give me what I've asked for,

All the toys in the toy store,

Or you will spend this Christmas' Eve

Bound and tethered on my floor!"

Then back towards the entrance turning,

All my soul within me burning,

My adrenaline was churning,

As I dead-bolted the door.

Sadly it had come to this.

Getting gifts was such a chore.

"Empty the bag upon the floor."

"How dare you dare to threaten me,

For I'm Santa and you'll see,

I can't be pressed to giving better gifts when you want more.

You little children need to learn,

That true respect is something earned-"

"Quiet wretch, it's now my turn!"

I fired my Red Ryder into the floor.

And overhead, so I'd seem hardcore.

Quoth the reindeer: \*\*\*\*\*\*\*

Which I think is reindeer for:

"Ow, you shot me."

Blitzen would be flying: Nevermore.

The fearful fat one then complied,

Emptying contents as he cried.

Now old Saint Nick was not so smug as he appeared to be before.

But then I saw to my chagrin,

The bag had little else therein,

And I cried: "What fiendish sin,

The toys; why are there not more?"

"The North Pole sadly all has melted,

And my toy shop sank offshore.

We should have listened to Al Gore."

## Trivia

* This sketch was inspired by the Edgar Allan Poe's poem *The Raven*.
* This is the penultimate sketch of Season 5.
* This sketch was uploaded two days after the episode aired on BYUtv.
* This is the longest sketch since the Season 4 Episode 8 sketch D&D Revenge, and the second-longest sketch of the season behind It's a Wonderful Life Without Studio C.