Talk Dirty

*Todd plays "Talk Dirty" on the piano.*

***JASON DERULO ft. 2 CHAINZ - TALK DIRTY
A pop song review***

**Todd**: No!

*Video for "Talk Dirty"*
**Girl**: Jason DeRulo
**Jason DeRulo**: I'm that flight that you get on
**Todd (VO)**: No! No! This isn't possible!

**Todd**: You're dead! I killed you!

**Todd (VO)**: This can't be happening!

**Todd**: Okay, I didn't *kill* Jason DeRulo. I just...

*Clip of "In My Head"*
**Todd (VO)**: ...assumed his career was good and over. I haven't thought about him or heard his music in, like, four years.

**Jason**: In my head
**Todd (VO)**: I thought we all understood that the Jason DeRulo experiment was a horrible mistake that we didn't need to repeat. And yet, here we are...

*Video for "Talk Dirty"*
...Jason DeRulo's big comeback single, featuring not one, but multiple Chainz. The fact that, all of a sudden, Jason DeRulo's back in the spotlight is messing with my fundamental understanding of reality.

**Todd**: You all remember this guy, right?

*Video for "Whatcha Say"*
**Jason**: Jason Derulo
**Todd (VO)**: He sang his name at the beginning of all his songs...and sucked. He was one of the many low-grade Usher wannabes who came in to replace Chris Brown, and he was definitely the most successful, notching three straight Top 10 hits.

**Todd**: Also, he was by far the worst of them.

*Clip of "Don't Wanna Go Home"*
**Todd (VO)**: Let me say this straight up—I've covered worse songs from far worse people, but there is no one I can think of who I respect less as a performer than Jason DeRulo.

**Todd**: What makes him so bad? I...I don't know how else to say it, the man simply has no talent.

*Clip of "Trumpets"*
**Jason**: Is it weird that your ass remind me of a Kanye West song
**Todd (VO)**: Have you ever gotten mad at Auto-Tune that's a lazy cover for people who can't sing? Trust me, you weren't thinking of T-Pain or Kesha or Lil Wayne, you were thinking of Jason DeRulo.

**Todd**: And even after being Auto-Tuned, he still had a voice like a squeaky chair.

*Clip of "It Girl"*
**Jason**: Yeah...
**Todd (VO)**: Not only that, he's a horrifically juvenile songwriter and works with terrible producers.

*Clip of "Whatcha Say"*
**Voice**: J-J-J-J-J.R. *["J.R. Rotem presents" appears on the screen]*
**Todd (VO)**: I just went back and re-listened to "Whatcha Say", and holy God, it may be one of the worst songs I've ever reviewed. Everything about it sums up the worst parts of the late 2000s—lazy Auto-Tune, lazy sample, noxious beat, atrocious lyrics.

**Jason**: I don't want you to leave me
Though you caught me cheatin'
**Todd (VO)**: Matter of fact, I think you can blame *[brief clip of "Look at Me Now" by...]* Chris Brown's post-assault resurgence entirely on the fact that we tried to replace him with the only person in the universe that can make Chris Brown look charming and charismatic.

**Todd**: No wonder none of this puke's other songs became hits.

*Clips of "Don't Wanna Go Home"...*
**Jason**: From the window to the wall
**Todd (VO)**: Wait a minute, I recognize this.

*..."It Girl"...*
**Jason**: You could be my it girl
You're my biggest hit girl
**Todd (VO)**: And this one too.

*...and "The Other Side"*
**Jason**: Tonight
Take me to the other side
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, that one was getting played just last year.

**Todd**: Oh my God, I thought I was covering DeRulo's comeback single, but...this isn't a comeback. He's been here for years...and no one noticed.

**Todd (VO)**: I mean, these songs weren't huge, but they were there, I remember them. Why did I think he'd gone?

**Todd**: Wait, play that from the beginning.

**Jason**: In the beginning
**Todd**: *[got it!]* There's the problem. He stopped saying his name before his songs, which was the only noteworthy thing about him.

*Clip of "It Girl"*
**Todd (VO)**: How else was I supposed to know it was him, his distinct artistic vision and personality?

**Todd**: Pfft! I mean, no matter how many times you've heard this, can you really say you remember it all.

**Jason**: You could be my it girl
Baby, you're the shit, girl
**Todd (VO)**: Wait a second, did you just call her a shit girl?!

**Todd**: You... We kept this guy around why?!

**Todd (VO)**: I can't believe I only reviewed one of his songs. I have a lot of catching up to do.

*Clip of "Ridin' Solo"*
**Jason**: I'm puttin' on my shades
**Todd (VO)**: Okay, to be fair, despite his utter lack of charisma, the songs themselves weren't always necessarily horrible, as compositions, at least. "Ridin' Solo", for example, that was, I guess, a decently written song about the joy and freedom of being single. So I promise to keep an open mind, at least.

**Todd**: And I'll give it this right away—his newest single, at least, isn't the same boring dance-pop mush he's usually done.

*Video for "Talk Dirty"*
**Todd (VO)**: Instead, it's got this kinda funky, early 90s, New jack swing feel to it, and it has the sleaziest horn line since *[clip of Wreckx-N-Effect's...]* "Rump Shaker".

It's clear that Jason DeRulo has moved away from his usual edgeless pop shtick and is trying to be more of a Bobby Brown type, which...you know, I'm not saying that's necessarily a good thing, but...

**Todd**: ...I'll give it this—at least I noticed it.

**Girl**: Jason
**Todd (VO)**: And it starts with his name, which is important.

**Girl**: Jason DeRulo
**Todd (VO)**: Although she didn't pronounce it correctly.

**Todd**: It's *[Auto-Tuned] Jaaason DeRuuulooo,* obviously.

**Todd (VO)**: And what is the song itself about? Well, now that Jason DeRulo is a big, successful singer, he's been all over the world, and he's discovered that language barriers can be transcended...

**Todd**: ...through the international language of love.

*Pictures of couple on a pier, another couple in Paris, and love in five languages arranged in a heart*
**Todd (VO)**: After all, what is more universal than the attraction between a man and a woman? Truly, it crosses all boundaries. Now...

**Todd**: ...how best to communicate this concept.

**Jason**: Been around the world, don't speak the language
But your booty don't need explaining
All I...
**Todd**: *[got nothing]* Right. So...

**Todd (VO)**: ...this song is yet another edition of "I'm a dumb guy who gets laid a lot, let me sing about it." I mean, that *[screen shot: I'm a dumb guy who gets laid a lot #576083]* title could describe, like, half the things I review, but usually not this directly. Obviously, a guy who actually, seriously uses the word "booty" isn't trying to look smart, but...

**Todd**: ...you know, this isn't even subtext. The song is explicitly about his own ignorance.

**Jason**: First class seat on my lap girl, riding comfortable
**Todd (VO)**: Specifically, he flies around the world, scores foreign chicks, even though they don't speak the same language, and he sure isn't gonna try and learn.

**Jason**: Our conversations ain't long
But you know what is
**Todd**: Uh...the flight? The line to get through customs? Please don't force me to answer this.

**Jason**: Our conversations ain't long
**Todd (VO)**: *[sighs]* If you needed confirmation that these R&B guys don't care at all about the things a woman thinks or says, well, here you go.

**Todd**: I daresay they'd prefer not speaking your language.

**Todd (VO)**: And that's literally all the song is.

**Jason**: All I really need to understand is
**Todd (VO)**: Like, all he adds to the overused "I get laid a lot" theme is the fact that they speak different languages.

**Todd**: Which makes the title not make any sense. Listen to this non-chorus.

**Jason**: All I really need to understand is
When you talk dirty to me
*Clip of Poison - "Talk Dirty to Me"*
**Bret Michaels**: C.C.
**Todd (VO)**: I wish.

**Todd**: No, I don't.

**Jason**: Talk dirty to me
Talk dirty to me
**Todd (VO)**: But yeah, that was it. That's the entire chorus. "Talk dirty to me." In a song about how you can't talk to each other and understand.

**Todd**: The premise doesn't even make any sense.

**Jason**: Talk dirty to me
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, I guess he could just like the sound of foreign pillow talk, but... that's not what he says. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't sound like he even cares. Why would you care what she says if you can't understand it? For all you know, she could be saying, *[picture of...]* "I'm a prostitute, and my services were purchased for you by the promoter," or she could be saying, *[picture of riot squad beating down citizens]* "please get me out of this country," or even, *[picture of waitress with plate]* "careful, this plate is hot," and you wouldn't know!

**Todd**: Why would *her* talking dirty get you off at all?

**Jason**: Uno, met a friend in Rio
Dos, she was all on me-o
Tres, we could ménage à three-o
**Todd**: Yeah, when you were down in Rio, did you happen to notice the *[footage of...]* rampant poverty and anti-government protests? Also, "ménage à three-o"?!

**Jason**: ...we could ménage à three-o
**Todd (VO)**: Just 'cause you wrote a song about foreign chicks, doesn't mean you have to wallow in your own ignorance. You realize there are, like, a billion words that rhyme with Rio in, like, Spanish and Italian, I mean, like common, *[image of Ferecito on* Saturday Night Live *with caption: Aye Dios Mio!]* everyday words that even English speakers know. You've already got one of the most flagrantly foreign names in pop; you might educate yourself at least a little.

**Jason**: You know the words to my songs
No habla inglés
**Todd**: Yeah, I bet she *doesn't* know them. I mean, I've listened to all your songs and I actually do speak English. The only words I remember from them *[brief clip of "Whatcha Say"]* weren't even sung by you. Honestly, I think the worst part about it is how little he says about the girls he's banged.

**Jason**: I got lipstick stamps on my passport
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, he obviously sees the world as just a Baskin-Robbins menu of flavors of different girls, which is mild to moderately offensive. But, hell, I say if you're going to write a song about how you like exotic women, I mean...go ahead and write it, at least. Say something about them, you know, eyes, skin, hair, accent, something. This is like if *[brief clip of...]* the Beach Boys wrote "California Girls" and just said, "Hey, California girls, they exist." You know that traveling around the world? Say something about the places you've been. What's different about them, what do you like about them? For all I know, you didn't even leave the airport.

**Todd**: All he does is name-check a couple of exotic locales, and that's it.

**Jason**: London to Taiwan
New York to Haiti
**Todd**: Yeah, see, all he does is make a couple... wait, Haiti?!

**Jason**: New York to Haiti
**Todd (VO)**: What the hell are you doing in Haiti? *[News footage from Haiti]* Volunteering at Habitat for Humanity, I hope. Please tell me you didn't go to one of the most desperately needy countries in the Western Hemisphere to...

**Todd**: ...score chicks! Christ, what an asshole!

**Todd (VO)**: God, I hate this, I hate this, I really hate this.

**Todd**: Christ, save this song, 2 Chainz.

**2 Chainz**: 2 Chainz!
**Todd (VO)**: Wait, wait, wait, I should explain who this guy is first.

*Clip of "Used 2"*
**2 Chainz**: Watch how I grab her yeah, I'm a stab her yeah
**Todd (VO)**: Actually, I don't even really know who this guy is. He's one of the...newer crew of up-and-coming bling-n-bitches rappers. I...I really can't tell any of them apart. Like, you put him in a lineup with *[images of...]* Big Sean, Ace Hood, and... A$AP Rocky, I wouldn't be able to pick him out.

**Todd**: Maybe I haven't listened to him enough. Play me one of his singles so I can learn more about him.

*Clip of "I'm Different"*
**2 Chainz**: I'm different, yeah I'm different
I'm different, yeah I'm different
I'm different, yeah I'm different
Pull up to the scene with my ceiling missing
**Todd**: *[pause]* I honestly can't tell if this is supposed to be a joke.

**Todd (VO)**: Whatever. Maybe he's like, you know, Ludacris or Lil Wayne, one of those guys who's better on guest verses than his own work.

**Todd**: Tear it up, redeem this song please.

**2 Chainz**: Dos Cadenas, closed the genius
Sold out arenas, you can suck my penis
*Todd just sits there, frozen in place*

**Todd**: Guys, the two of you score foreign chicks *because* they can't understand you, not in spite of it!

**2 Chainz**: Sold out arenas, you can suck my penis
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, you realize that, right? Do you think these lines would get you anywhere if they knew what you were saying?! God!

**2 Chainz**: Gilbert Arenas, guns on deck [*deck*]
Chest to chest, tongue on neck [*neck*]
**Todd (VO)**: Did the backup singers just shout, "neck"?

**2 Chainz**: Chest to chest, tongue on neck [*neck*]
**Todd (VO)**: You know, it's okay to just shout...

**Todd**: ..."hey!" or "yeah!" if you need to fill up space, right? You don't have to emphasize random words.

**Backup**: Words!

**Todd**: What the hell was that?

**2 Chainz**: International oral sex
Every picture I take, I pose a threat
**Todd (VO)**: This is really bad, this is just not trying.

**2 Chainz**: Got her saved in my phone under "Big Booty"
**Todd (VO)**: Cell phones don't even work in other countries, dingus.

**Jason**: Been around the world, don't speak the language
**Todd (VO)**: Here's another question: who the hell is this song meant to be *for?* You can't be singing it for the ladies because the song is only about ladies who can't understand you, so any ladies who would be impressed by this would understand you're not singing to *her.* I guess you're just bragging to your bros, but...are we supposed to think you're cool? Hell, if I were one of your buddies, I'd be angry. If this gets popular in other countries, no American guy will ever score overseas again. You're the ugliest American since *[image from* National Lampoon's European Vacation *of...]* Clark Griswold. Get this over, I'm done. I'm done with this.

**Todd**: I'm Todd In The Shadows, and I'm out.

**Jason**: Get jazzy on me
**Girl**: What? I don't understand.
**Todd**: *[turning back]* Wait, was that part of the song?!

**Girl**: What?
**Todd (VO)**: Are you kidding me?! God...

**Todd**: ...screw you, douchebag!

**Todd (VO)**: What, was "me love you long time" too obvious?! For the love of Christ, keep your Asian schoolgirl prostitute fetish out of my music!

**Todd**: Ew! Ew!

**Todd (VO)**: Why the hell does this song exist?! This is offensively bad! I'm not even quite sure I know who it's supposed to be offensive to, maybe everyone. Why would I wanna hear the exploits of some obnoxious American recounting his gross sex tourism?! Christ, where's *[poster of* Hostel*]* Eli Roth when you need him?!

**Todd**: I hate you, DeRulo, I just friggin' hate you. Ugh.

**Girl**: What? I don't understand
**Todd**: Yeah, well, lucky you.

*Closing tag song: Day Above Ground - "Asian Girlz"*

***THE END
"Talk Dirty" is owned by Beluga Heights/Warner Bros
This video is owned by me***