Dan's Facts

**Dan's Facts** refers to No Such Thing As A Fish host Dan Schreiber's reputation for presenting "facts" for the podcast which are not actually facts. Most of these examples are where Schreiber actually **believes** the fact, but some are where he is reporting on the beliefs of others (as with the Titanic fact in Episode 163: No Such Thing As Too Fast For A Fish).

When other presenters or hosts of the podcast provide a dubious fact, they will often be accused of having Dan's Notes, in reference to this reputation.

## Headline Facts

* In Episode 8: No Such Thing As A Swear Word on the Moon Dan's headline fact is that that the music from the You Wouldn't Steal A Car anti-piracy advert was pirated. This is a common urban myth - in reality, the composer Melchior Rietveldt wrote the music for the anti-piracy advert in 2004, for which he was paid. In 2006 he then had a totally different piece of music pirated and used for an advert at a Dutch film festival. The two pieces of music are unconnected, and he was eventually compensated for the pirated one.
* In Episode 135: No Such Thing As Queen of Clean, the Sausage Machine Dan's fact is believed to be false by the others, but it is in fact true.
* In Episode 163: No Such Thing As Too Fast For A Fish Hodgman's fact is one that Dan continually tried to bring up on the programme but which Ptaszynski kept vetoing because it is not true (although it **is** true that people **believe** it).
* In Episode 222: No Such Thing As A Warmongering Pigeon Schreiber's fact is a direct reference to his own reputation: a study showed that people who **believe** they know more than most other people are often incorrect.
* In Episode 245: No Such Thing As The Very Sexy Caterpillar the details of Schreiber's fact are somewhat dubious: he claims that Australia's first police force was made up of the country's twelve best-behaved convicts, but existing sources suggest there were only eight and that they were offered reduced sentences in Australia before leaving the UK if they worked as police on arrival.
* In Episode 262: No Such Thing As A Man In A Wine Bottle Schreiber's own fact is a reference to his own reputation, as it is about a man called Daniel Schreber who made very outlandish claims.
* In Episode 341: No Such Thing As A May-I Sandwich Schreiber's fact is about Bigfoot, as the episode features guest Rhys Darby who co-hosts the podcast *The Cryptid Factor* with Schreiber.

## During Podcasts

* In Episode 22: No Such Thing As A Magic Camel Filter Dan presents two facts, which are addressed in later episodes and admitted to be false.
	+ He claims that if you give a camel water containing poison, then drink the vomit of the camel, the poison will have been removed. As of Episode 145: No Such Thing as E.T. Part Three he admits this is not true, but that camel dung can be wrung out to obtain some clean water.
	+ He claims that Ash Gardner told him that carbon dioxide bubbles are removed from fizzy drinks before shipping, and that the same bubbles are added back in afterwards. As of Episode 145: No Such Thing As E.T. Part Three, Gardner has admitted that this was false.
* In Episode 27: No Such Thing As An Egg and Cress Portsmouth Dan mentions the Mongolian death worm, whose defense mechanism is to shoot acid from its eyes and thunderbolts from its backside.
* In No Such Thing As Unbroadcastable Material Dan is informed that Pope Joan was a myth. Although he immediately admitted that he didn't believe the story, he was attempting to introduce it as if it were true.
* In Episode 64: No Such Thing As An Honest Saiga Schreiber claims that there is a trapdoor underneath the President's chair in the Oval Office. As of Episode 172: No Such Thing As A Cat-a-Cops Cartoon he has had to recant this, as he realised the source was called "not the White House".
* In Episode 75: No Such Thing As Diarrhoea Drive Dan decides that he should have been born during the 18th century, when a Mastodon tooth was claimed to be "the Tooth of a Giant".
* In Episode 83: No Such Thing As A Flying Sniffer Dog Dan again dicusses the Mongolian Death Worm.
* In Episode 91: No Such Thing As Apocalypse 1988 Dan claims that Andrew Hunter Murray has banned him from discussing the Mongolian Death Worm.
* In Episode 92: No Such Thing As A Frozen Chicken Haunting Dan claims that Highgate is haunted by the chicken that Francis Bacon died while attempting to preserve.
* In Episode 104: No Such Thing As A Herd of Koalas Dan talks about an interview he conducted with the explorer Charles Brewer-Carias, who claims to have discovered the city of El Dorado, and the oldest lifeform on Earth which is a glowing coral from outer space.
* In Episode 112: No Such Thing As A Lego Aircraft Carrier Dan relates a story told by Wade Davis about a man who, in order to survive, froze his own feces into a knife and killed a dog with it. As of Episode 290 this has been retracted.
* In Episode 133: No Such Thing As Paranoid Ants Dan is told that if you state a fact without checking if it's true, that's not lying it's "just bullshit". He is thrilled.
* In Episode 150: No Such Thing As A Helium Filled Pufferfish Dan offers a stuffed toy Mongolian Death Worm as a prize for completing an online survey.
* In Episode 163: No Such Thing As Too Fast For A Fish Hodgman's fact is one which Dan repeatedly tried to get onto the podcast, but was vetoed.
* In Episode 183: No Such Thing As A Bouncy Theatre Dan promotes the idea that the Nazca people built hot air balloons.
* In Episode 191: No Such Thing As A Cannibal Squirrel Dan claims that Adam and Eve were vegetable people, akin to Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy.
	+ Later in the same episode Murray is about to claim that Eric Clapton caught the largest fish on record in Iceland, but Schreiber had pre-emptively checked and disproved this.
* In Episode 200: No Such Thing As A Jigsaw For The Queen after Dan claims that babies can see things adults cannot, Murray says that "I saw the headline but didn't read the article" would be on Dan's tombstone.
* In Episode 222: No Such Thing As A Warmongering Pigeon Dan tells a story about RAF pilot Grahame Donald fell out of his plane during a loop the loop, then fell back into the plane as it came to the bottom of the loop.
	+ In Episode 228: No Such Thing As Seatbelts On Your Sofa Ptaszynski tells a story about Jean-Pierre Blanchard's dog, which Harkin likens to this.
* In Merry Christmas from Dan, James, Anna and Andy Murray mentions that New Zealand is often left off maps. Ptaszynski and Schreiber then suggest that it might not exist, which Murray counters by pointing out that the team had been there a few months earlier.
* In Episode 249: No Such Thing As A Pint of Wine in a conversation about losing muscle memory, Ptaszynski suggest that it "falls out when you cut your nails".
* In Episode 250: No Such Thing As The Mysterious Chamber Murray mentions that Peter Scott gave the Loch Ness Monster a scientific name. Schreiber reacts by saying that, if he'd brought that up as a fact, the others would not have accepted it.
* In Episode 267: No Such Thing As Mission Impossible For Slugs Schreiber claims that archaeologists were able to tell how old a door was by counting the rings on the wood. Harkin quickly points out that this would only tell them how old the tree was when it was cut down.
* In Episode 271: No Such Thing As A Safe Robot Schreiber is twice able to make sense of confusing facts presented by the others, leading Ptaszynski to say "I never thought I'd say this, but thank god Dan was here..."
* In Episode 272: No Such Thing As A Non-Judgemental Herring Schreiber cites a purported study that found men reacted well to photographs of cooked meat. When this is met with doubt, he talks about how President Eisenhower's granddaughter believes veganism will help attract aliens to Earth, leading Murray to say "This is fractionally more plausible than the last thing you ran up the flagpole."
* In Episode 276: No Such Thing As A Ninja With A Cat Schreiber claims that ninjas would use cats' eyes to tell what time of day it was. Murray reacts with extreme doubt, pointing out that if the cat had been kept in a dark room, it would be impossible to use its eyes to tell that it was in fact midday.
* In Episode 281: No Such Thing As A Chatty Cow while Murray is talking about how farms' fields are being made circular, Schreiber suggests that this is because of crop circles.
* In Episode 298: No Such Thing As An Emotional Support Amoeba Schreiber discusses a fictional piece of Chinese folklore relating to the "French-Croatian Squid". He fails to explain that it was invented in modern times, and the other presenters treat it with doubt.
* In Episode 302: No Such Thing As A Hedgehog Circus Schreiber mistakes an audience member making a joke about pantomime for them correcting his fact, and he immediately folds.
* In Episode 323: No Such Thing As Floating Vaseline, after Murray describes a ludicrous folk story about Neville Chamberlain being cursed by a mythical owl, Schreiber asks why Murray is allowed to get away with it when he couldn't.
* In Episode 324: No Such Thing As Mambo No. 2 Harkin claims that everyone, not just Schreiber, would assume that a person vanishing into a sand dune was the work of the Mongolian Death Worm.
* TBA dubious fact about the Blackbird plane.
	+ In Episode 320: No Such Thing As A Hairy Gearstick Murray calls back to this incident, prompting Schreiber to ask "Why are you bringing up old wounds?".
* In Episode 333: No Such Thing As Fingerprints On The Avocado Schreiber mentions a Cornish church which was buried so deep in sand dunes that the priest had to enter via the roof. Harkin suggests this is dubious, but it is in fact a well-documented case. Murray suggests that the preist was preaching to the death worms.
* In Episode 341: No Such Thing As A May-I Sandwich Harkin accuses guest Rhys Darby of taking over Schreiber's role of making up dubious facts when Darby claims that mayo used to be called may-i.
* In Episode 343: No Such Thing As A Dolphin In An Escape Room Schreiber tells a dubious story about how the revenue from selling Beatles records helped fund the creation of the CT scanner. It is hotly debated by the panel.
* In Episode 352: No Such Thing As Loki-day Schreiber claims that he was born on a Friday, but when this turns out to be incorrect he describes the mistake as "so in-line with my facts."

## Yetis

Schreiber seems to like the Yeti/Bigfoot/Sasquatch as a source for dubious facts. They appear in the following:

* They are first mentioned in Episode 16: No Such Thing As A Ghost in Poland.
* His headline fact in Episode 26: No Such Thing As A Yeti Fact.
* In No Such Thing As Unbroadcastable Material he claims that there is a Welsh Yeti, and that Brian Blessed told him that most Tibetan yeti sightings are actually western tourists wearing fur.
* In Episode 90: No Such Thing As The Brilliant Billion he talks about how Einstein's daughter married the first scientist to take the Bigfoot seriously.
* In Episode 132: No Such Thing As A Creepy Weather Forecaster Harkin explains how you can play as a Yeti in the game GTAV.
* In Episode 145: No Such Thing As E.T. Part Three Dan claims that Yetis can put their feet on backwards to hide the direction they are walking in. He also claims that the Yeti Park ranger told him that Yetis can turn invisible.
	+ He repeats the claim about backwards feet in Episode 276 when talking about ninjas.
* In Episode 178: No Such Thing As A Cup Full Of Nessie Andy relates a story about a purported Yeti sighting, which turned out to be a shaman wearing animal skins who was **also** looking for the Yeti.
* In Episode 183: No Such Thing As A Bouncy Theatre Alex Bell points out that Dan only found his fact about Haley Joel Osment because Osment was auditioning for an advert for Bigfoot Pizza.
* In Episode 278: No Such Thing As A Herring-Okapi Hybrid Schreiber admits to getting distracted while researching human foot sizes and ends up searching for facts about Bigfoot.
* In Episode 284: No Such Thing As Salty Yeti Bones Ptaszynski talks about how porcupines love salt, and since Sasquatches supposedly have salty bones, porcupines are meant to eat the bones, hence why nobody has ever found Sasquatch bones.
* In Episode 289: No Such Thing As A Horse Called Brian Ptaszynski's headline fact is only a theory, leading Schreiber to complain that his theories are never taken seriously. Ptaszynski replies that her theory comes from a scientist, not "some crazy Yeti fanatic in Arkansas".
* In Episode 341: No Such Thing As A May-I Sandwich Schreiber's headline fact is about bigfoot. Guest presenter Rhys Darby provides many "facts" about Bigfoot. Harkin questions where he got them from, implying that Schreiber may have been involved.
* TBA - female Yetis having to throw their breasts over their shoulders.
	+ In Episode 352: No Such Thing As Loki-day Schreiber repeats this fact, as Ptaszynski's headline fact is about a real historical figure who was alleged to have had similarly long breasts.