Classic Adventures of PWNage! No. 9: Bermuda goes BOOM!

## The Story

The EDF is at Bermuda city in order to receive their official award for defending the Earth from Invaders like the Red Twins and many others for as long as they have, and are finally able to rest. After they are given their awards by Mayor Earhart Jr., who makes an announcement after they are seated that America and the United Nations will begin exploring more of the ocean in order to discover more about their planet, and use what they find to hopefully defeat their Alien combatants.

Everybody takes to the beaches of the 4th level, ready to get their splash on, as the first submarines begin to launch off into the deep. In the Submarine, Amelia Jr. and her crew search for whatever they can find, when suddenly they are stopped by a strange bump on the hull.

They check the scope to see what clunked into them, witnessing a giant blue eye. The crew recoils in shock, as the eye moves back, revealing a small, humanoid creature, with a squid-like head. It laughs, and swims to the side, revealing a massive Pirate Ship, floating underwater.

A guard inside of the Submarine goes to capture the creature for study, and chases it inside the ship. The Squid Kid giggles as he swims away, even spraying ink on the diver, angering him. The creature takes a trapdoor to the lower deck, as the Man follows.

The place is pitch black, safe for a dim light coming from the area above the trapdoor, and the Man begins to get nervous, An unseen figure takes something out of his pocket, a little pufferfish like creature, and he squeezes it, causing it to blow up, and glow inside, illuminating the group in the hull.

A small group of fish people stares face to face with the single diver, all with devious smiles, or cold stares. A large Shark-man looms in behind them, and the terrified Diver panics, shooting it with the net gun.

This only pisses it off, as it pushes the group out of his way, charging at him. The Diver screeches, and swims away as fast as he can through the trapdoor, as the Shark gives chase. It tries to bite him, but the diver makes it in time, and the Shark's body is stuck behind the small trapdoor, thrashing its head around, and biting at him.

The diver, turns around and is grabbed by a green-scaled attacker, who stares into his eyes, hypnotizing him. Inside the submarine, the crew can't believe what they're watching, and tries to speak to the diver, but he's gone.

Suddenly, the same green humanoid shows up on the bow of the ship, using the microphone of the diver, now taken hostage, to negotiate their demands. Amelia Jr. demands they let him go, but the Fishman says that they will give them every bit of gold on their ship, or their tuna can net-boy's gonna get popped open.

The Submarine communicates that they have no gold, or any other resources like that, which the Fishmen do not believe, threatening to come in there and RIP it open to see for themselves.

Back in Bermuda city, Circa and Spiral are on a date on the 2nd level, as the night lights come on, and the city begins to glow beautifully, Spiral is goofing around, singing along to the music in the restaurant, making Circa laugh with embarrassment, as he does a really stupid note. She tells him to sit his ass down, and he chuckles.

Chad, Ejay, and Aiden are on the beach, soaking up some rays, when Aiden gets covered in sand by a bunch of shitty teenagers. He yells at them to knock it off, but they act sarcastically oblivious, pissing him off more. He tries to walk away, flipping them off, but they insult him.

He turns around with fury in his eye, asking them to repeat that, and they say more random trash, until, he has enough, and summons Lazelokk. The teenagers get a little scared, and Aiden swings it down, as they scream.

The Axe strikes the ground, as the kid in charge's shorts turn yellow. Aiden chuckles, calling him a pussy before walking back to the chair with Chad, who fist bumps him. Ejay then lands next to them, covering Aiden in sand once again, nervously laughing at his rage filled expression.

Underwater, the Sub is still negotiating with the Fish Pirates as they yell about their valuables, with the large Shark Man asking "If ye don't got no gaold then woai ar yew aout heya in the furst plaece?" followed by a "RIPTOIDE!".

The submariners begin to get annoyed, asking how they still subside off of cartoonishly pirating others, with them all laughing, saying that there's no other pirates left, because of THEM, and that they're about to become another wreck under the sea.

The gunner of the submarine signals to Amelia Jr. that he has a good target, as she smirks. Amelia Jr. finally gives in, saying they win, and that they finally have something for them. The captain laughs, and reaches forward, wanting it first.

They oblige, launching a torpedo at him. The Captain panics, letting go of the hostage, just as the Squid snatches the missile away from his Captain. The submarine turns around, and makes a mad dash back to Bermuda city

The Captain of the Fish people yells at the shark, who jumps down, grabbing the bottom of the boat, and throwing it like a javelin toward the submarine, grabbing onto the squid's tentacle to get back on. The group all laughs, telling the one with the accordion to start playing, which he does.

In Bermuda City, Chad gets a distress beacon coming towards the beach, examining further to see the submarine's radar rapidly approaching it, followed by something moving at quite a high velocity.

He stands up, and tells Aiden and Ejay to get ready, asking where Spiral is, with Ejay telling him they're on a date in the 3rd level. It's true, as Spiral and Circa are walking around the Mariana Mall, in a short little montage of them being cutesy. It ends with them leaving a restaurant, as a fish in a tank watches them leave. The view cuts from the fish to the one with the accordion, as the pirates sing a song about a seahorse being led to water, but not wanting to drink any because it lives in the ocean.

Amelia Jr. realizes their plan, and tells the submariner to turn around, as they are leading them straight to the city, but the Submariner says that they can ask for help from the EDF. Amelia becomes angered, saying that they aren't needed for everything, especially not some fish people pirates. She tries to grab the controls, sending the submarine on a chaotic cycle of twists and turns all around the water.

Eventually, the submarine breaks through the waterfall, landing in the artificial beach tide, and grinding to a halt at the beach, with the Pus' Beak following shortly after, crashing into the sand. The Angler Pirate exclaims about how many "smoothies" there are, excitedly shouting about how he needs his bombs for this.

Amelia Jr. jumps out of the top hatch with her crew, most armed with harpoon guns, as they run to the beach. Chad runs up and asks what's going on, but, the crew all rush by him, with Ejay and Aiden arriving shortly after.

The Captain of the Pus' Beak introduces himself to whoever will listen, welcoming himself to the city as Captain Flintlock Slitneck, Terrifying Pirate of the Deep. Chad asks rhetorically if they are really about to fight a bunch of pirates, when an anchor lands on him, thrown by the large shark.

The Pirates all jump down, soaking their boots into the sand, and demand they are brought all the city's gold, or people are gonna get hurt, "Startin' with this fishy fella'." they say, holding up Chad at flintlock point.

Chad elbows the pirate, and runs to Aiden and Ejay, ready for a fight. He asks if they too are prepared, when an explosion knocks all three off their feet. The Angler Pirate, Algernon, laughs in their faces, as he continues his rampage, throwing bombs all over the place. Chad gives some of the civilians at the beach cover behind a bench, yelling and asking where the hell Spiral and Circa are.

Spiral and Circa are on the 3rd level in bed together. They hear the bangs, but Spiral just says they're fireworks. Circa asks if he's sure, but he shuts her up with a kiss, saying they're on a date, and that the boys can handle it.

Back at the beach, Ejay is cornered by Hydre and Minnow Joe, and he yells about how he can't handle it. He blasts Hydre away, as Minnow Joe continues to play on his accordion, slowly walking away.

Aiden fights against the Captain for a moment, but hears a familiar voice screaming for help, He looks back, and sees Bruce terrorizing the asshole teenagers from earlier. He groans, and kicks the Captain where his nuts should be, but he just chuckles with an evil grin, saying "It ain't that time o' the month, squirt.".

Slitneck is hit in the face with Sq'id, thrown by Chad, who doubles it up by tackling the Captain as well. Aiden takes the opportunity to save the asshole kids, throwing Lazelokk at Bruce just as he's about to take a big juicy bite out of an ugly one, and it gets stuck in his jaws.

Bruce spits it out, getting pissed and throwing the kid to the sand. Cursing at Aiden for interrupting his meal. Aiden says he saved him from having to spit them out anyway, remarking that "Shitheads don't taste very good."

Slitneck fights back against Chad with his Saber, as it clangs against his tough skin. The Captain humorously asks what kind of fish Chad is, but when he opens his mouth to respond, he gets a mouth full of Saber, shutting him up, as the Captain says "Gotcha!".

Slitneck grabs Chad, looking him in the eyes, and hypnotizing him.

"Don'tcha wanna roide with us? Cam on, ya knoe ya wonna, Think'e the advencha, the cumrahderie, the RICHEZ... Cam with us, and oll of it'll be your's... Just give me a rRRIPTOIDE!!"

Chad raises his hands into the air, Saber still between his teeth.

"RHIPTHITDE EAAAAHH!!!! He shouts.

"THAT'S THA SPYRIT MAET!!! CAM ON BUOYS!!! LETS GET EAOUT!!!" Slitneck shouts to his crew.

Sq'id climbs up Slitneck's back, as Algernon throws a bomb at Ejay, who hot potato's it, not knowing what to do, before throwing it up, giving Algernon and Joe time to escape.

Hydre throws a rope down, telling everyone to climb on, and climb on they do, singing a shanty about Chad's new arrival as "A fish out of water, in the water".

Bruce struggles with Aiden a bit more, before he hears them call his name from the ship to head off. Bruce lets out a fat laugh, telling Aiden he can keep his shitty teenagers, before sucker punching him a good distance, causing Ejay to catch him to stop him from colliding with anything.

Aiden points at the ship, saying they got Chad, and Ejay looks frantically, as it goes back into the waterfall, headed straight for the Seven Seas. Aiden stands, but then collapses, the air not done filling his lungs yet.

Aiden tells Ejay to get after them, which he agrees to but then hesitates doing so. Aiden asks what's wrong, and Ejay turns around with the look of a small child, admitting he's terrified of the ocean, as Aiden groans in response.

In Spiral and Circa's hotel room, they are exhausted from passionate events, when Spiral's Tender goes off on the nightstand, along with Circa's as well. They ignore the first notification, then grunt at the second, and then finally Spiral puts his sunglasses on to read what they want.

Spiral's face continuously drops as he reads about what's been happening during their Romance Rendezvous, and he says that they have to go, immediately. He sits up in bed, throwing off the blanket, and says they should probably be dressed for it as well.

The couple arrives on the beach, as Ejay, Aiden, and EMTs help those in need. Fortunately, nobody was killed, but Chad was kidnapped. Spiral asks with audible anger how someone could possibly kidnap Chad fucking Pwnhammer, but the other two don't know either. Ejay points in the direction that the boat was headed, and reluctantly tells Spiral and Circa about his Thalassophobia.

Spiral says it's fine, as he's not a great swimmer either, but he'll have to suck it up, for they got a blue dude to rescue.

"Need some help?" a powerful voice beckons from behind them, and lo and behold, Captain Earhart Junior and her Crew are suited up, now officialy ready for underwater combat.

"Think I'll make some Calamari out of that little one." Says Aiden, as he approaches the team, waving for the rest of the EDF to follow.

On the Pus' beak, Chad sits at a table, under the dim light of the glowing puffer, looking very worried. He gets increasingly anxious, with tears welling up in his eyes, when finally, Hydre places his cards down, a royal flush.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Yells Chad in anguish, as the rest of the crew laughs, with Minnow Joe continuing to rock his accordion. This is the 3rd time Chad has lost to Hydre, and Chad is beginning to feel the effects of getting Pwned for once.

"How do I keep losing?! Is it because I have no idea what I'm doing?! Oh yeah, probably. Nevermind." Sq'id tells him he's still doing better than Bruce, nudging Chad's shoulder and pointing to the Shark Lad, who has a mouth full of his cards.

"Ey!" he grunts, as the rest of the crew laughs again.

Inside the submarine, Ejay thanks Amelia Jr for letting him ride in their big underwater coffin instead of letting him fly above the water.

Amelia says that they couldn't risk his fear getting the better of him, and Ejay asks if letting Spiral and Circa run on the water was any better, as they don't even know how to swim. Amelia says that's exactly the point, as they have no choice but to move forward, grinning smugly.

Spiral reports that there's nothing ahead for at least a hundred miles, so there's no way they made it that far, and they must somehow be underwater. He then asks if he can come inside, which he is then allowed in.

Aiden, using his magic, along with the radar operator, are trying to locate exactly where Chad is, while Aiden is using a familiarizing technique, sensing Chad's aura based off of his relation to Aiden. He gets a "signal", and points the submarine in the right direction, with Circa saying she hopes Chad is okay.

Inside the Pus' beak, Chad is having an awesome time, brainwashed by the crew, and asking what their stories are.

Captain Slitneck says that they're all outcasts from their city, some of them outcast for their skill, like Algernon, some for their upbringing, like Sq'id.

"Some even for their borderline ugliness." Says Slitneck, pointing at Bruce.

"EY!!" Bruce yelps in anger.

Slitneck says he was just joking, but Chad gets the point.

These aren't bad guys, not at all, they just never got the chance to *be* good. Chad seems to snap out of the hypnosis, losing his new zealand accent, and attempts to reason with the pirates.

He details about how he doesn't normally condone vigilantism, but they seem to have it under control, and he thinks, as long as they don't harm any innocent people, that they might have a future that can still involve gold, probably much more than they're getting as of late.

The crew stops to think about it, bundling in a huddle to discuss it.

"E's got a bit of a point lads." Says Slitneck.

"Ye.. oi can't remembah the last toime we even got any Gaold from a roberie..." says Sq'id

"Just a buncha rich smoothies troi'in to giv as theiya wotches. Who wants a blahdey wotch?!" grumbles Algernon.

"Bu'h woh' abaot smoovies fah lonch?! Ah lohve a good smoovie..." Interjects Bruce, salivating a little.

"You don't even like man as much as you like Dolphin, ese." Says Hydre, touching him on the shoulder.

"'Old on, let's ask Joe. Joe, you're the toi breaka, what'a we do?" Asks Slitneck.

Minnow Joe plays his accordion rhythmically, and the crew all take a second to think, before turning back around to Chad.

"Alroight. We hea ya. Maybe we can maek it wurk." says Slitneck, reaching forward for a handshake. Chad smiles, delighted by their consideration, and reaching forward as well, when suddenly, a harpoon shoots through the window, and into Slitneck's hand.

He roars in pain, before being wrenched backward by them reeling it back in, injuring him even worse, before Chad help him take it out. Bruce snarls, looking outside to see the new submarine. He too roars, jumping out of the boat and landing on the side of it, punching at a camera, with Chad attempting to tell him to stop, but to no avail.

Ejay shrieks in absolute terror as the camera broadcasts Bruce pounding into the ship's hull, as water begins to pour into the the sub. Two gunmen, along with Amelia, suit up and grab their weapons, shooting at Bruce, who is sticking his head in, chomping at the air.

It visibly pains him, as he recoils out, swimming back to the boat, and Amelia throws an explosive at the hole he tore. It goes off, plugging the hole, and Amelia says they only have 30 minutes before it wears off.

Slitneck looks at the hole in his hand before declaring war on the submarine, causing the crew to get their weapons.

Algernon grabs some sort of makeshift shotgun, Hydre grabs four knives, two for each hand and mouth, Sq'id grabs a trident bigger than he is, and Bruce mans a cannon in the naval port.

Chad tries to convince him to stop the assault, but Slitneck tells Chad to tell his crap to the hole in his hand.

Ejay is curled into a ball on the floor, as Amelia asks what their next plan is, and they arm up for a fight. Spiral reassures her that they don't need any more bloodshed, and that they only want Chad, not a fish person war, but as he tries, a cannonball clonks against the front of the sub, leaving a sizable dent.

Ejay shrieks again, screaming that they're going to get back in, and demands that they kill them all now, jumping into the railgun controls. Aiden grabs him and restrains him with Circa's help as he freaks out more.

Chad yells at them to stop, as he can negotiate terms of a truce, but they all tell him to buzz off, as that option is out the porthole. Slitneck grabs the steering wheel, attempting to ram into the sub, but Chad grabs it as well, telling him one final time to stop.

The Captain looks at Chad, snarling and attempting to hypnotize him once again, but to his surprise, it does nothing. Chad responds by headbutting Slitneck right between the eyes, but the Captain tanks the hit, still standing, hurt, but standing.

He unsheathes his cutlass, pointing it at Chad, and screaming that he can consider himself planked. Slitneck yells at Bruce to walk Chad out, and Bruce chuckles as he points the cannon up, and fires it.

The cannonball goes through a hatch in the first floor, exiting through a loose plank at the top, the one right under Chad. The ball spins the plank, and Chad is sent away into the sky, crashing back into the water.

Spiral excitedly points to the monitor of the sub as he sees Chad, and the rest of the sub has a mini celebration. They grab Chad in a net, attempting to bring him in, when Sq'id suddenly slashes him out, grabbing his leg with some tentacles.

Chad grunts in annoyance, before spiking him like a volleyball away, The sub turns in Chad's direction, as he waves frantically at them. Spiral and the rest all try to tell him they can see him, but they have no communication, as he's outside.

Right in front of the camera, Chad waves a bit more, before he's snatched away in the jaws of Bruce, shooting by like an underwater hawk. Ejay screams that Chad is dead, and Aiden finally has to tell him to calm down.

Spiral and Circa start to put on their Submariner suits, as Amelia warns them against it, but they say that Chad's not fighting those fish people by himself. She tells them that the friction from their speed will surely tear open the suit, but Circa grabs an aquatic shotgun, saying they won't need the speed, cocking it.

Chad holds the Great White's gnarly jaws open, straining against his chest with his feet, as Hydre comes over to attempt to shank Chad. He surprises him, but then his right head is blasted off. They all stop in shock to see Circa, who racks the shotgun again, introducing herself, but her only response is an underwater cannonball, shot by Algernon, who laughs as Minnow Joe plays some wicked shanties.

She barely dodges the ball, sending it clanging into the dense steel of the Submarine. Ejay freaks out, thinking they are trying to rip into the sub again, and darts for the railgun once more, practically throwing Aiden out of the seat.

He takes aim, and fires, with the shot going straight into the barrel of the cannon. Algernon looks at Joe with an "Oh shit." expression, before battlements light up as the cannon explodes.

The explosion sends the ship backward, crashing into an underwater cliff, and starting a rockslide. Chad and Slitneck yell for their crews to take cover, as heavy stones fall all around. After the dust settles underwater, Slitneck slowly gets up, as does the rest of his crew, as they are all surrounded by rocks.

Bruce roars in anger about the big hole in the side of the ship, as Chad rolls his eyes

"Oh no... Now it'll sink." He groans.

Bruce socks him dead in the stomach, putting him back on all fours. Slitneck yells at Chad, asking why he'd ever ride with smoothies like his friends, and chastising him for the damages to his boat, but Chad just keeps telling him to shut up.

"You fockin' wot?" He says, angered, but Chad gets his attention, rubbing sand off from the ground, revealing.... A glimmer...

Slitneck and Chad look at eachother with an "Oh shit!" look, as they dig a little bit to discover that the battlegrounds they were on were just above a stockpile of GOLD!

"Izzat fackin' GAOLD?!" Bruce shouts with excitement.

"Gimme some!" Yells Sq'id, as the rest all clammer for a better look.

Chad pulls a sizeable nugget out, which Bruce takes immediately, sucking on it. His eyes widen, and he smiles.

"IT'S FACKIN' GAOLD!!!" he shouts in utter Joy.

Slitneck looks at Chad with a grin.

"'Ey! Look what yew done n'd faound!" he says, patting Chad on the back. Chad is bewildered by the sudden turnaround, but otherwise accepts their friendliness.

Spiral, Circa, and a few others find Chad, telling the Pirates to freeze, but Chad tells everyone to stop right there. The Pirates totally ignore him, still celebrating their find. Chad rushes over, telling Spiral the situation.

"Chad, what're you doin?" Spiral asks curiously.

"These guys are really cool! I think if we set them on the right path, we don't have to fight anymore." He explains.

"Didn't they just try to ransom you back to us?" asks Circa.

"What? No! They treated me like family! That's what I'm saying! These guys aren't just some cronies or the villain of the week! I see alot of us in them!" He says, picking up Sq'id, who's biting on a chunk of Gold.

Spiral approaches Captain Slineck, and the Captain offers him his hand. Spiral takes it with a smile, and Slitneck shocks him a bit, saying that's for busting a hole in his ship. Spiral says that it was Circa that did that, not him, and she looks at him with anxious fury, as The Captain laughs, saying he's joking.

Slitneck then starts to check spiral out, squinting at him.

"What uhh... What're you doing? See something you like?" Spiral jokes nervously.

"Neh... Yew look... familiah..." He rubs his chin.

"I have literally never been to the ocean in my entire life." Says Spiral in a deadpan tone.

Slitneck snaps his fingers.

"Ah! Wait roight 'ere!" He swims off to the ship returning with a framed picture.

"Oh my... God!" Spiral holds the frame.

The picture is of him, no younger than 13, standing next to him is Myrna, Spyron, and a torn bit of his father, in what seems like a family portrait.

"Found it in some big ol Red Head a few yeah's ago. Want it? Least I could do for THIS much Chedda." He motions to the Gold.

"Yeah... Yeah thanks!" Spiral says, staring intently at the picture.

Chad and Circa float over to look at the picture, with Circa's face turning a bit yucky, and Chad questionably asks Spiral why he would want this.

"I know, I know, but look... Even I'M smiling in this one! This is the only tangible thing I have that can remind me that after everything..." Spiral looks at it a bit looser.

"They're still my family."

A little bit later, The Riders are in Bermuda City at another gathering, where they formally apologize for the small raid earlier. Amelia explains that while they may have lead a life of plunder before, they can now do it legally, for as soon as their boat is repaired and furnished, these fishy fellas are Bermuda City's official recon team, but more important to them, the whole city's number one Treasurers!

The Comic ends with all of them screaming into the microphone, as the audience shouts back:

"RIPTIDE!!!"

\*After credits Page\*

In Spiral's room, he's unpacking from the trip, as Circa calls to him to come cuddle from the bed. Spiral snickers, and reaches into his bag, pulling out the photo.

He gently puts it on his computer desk, and walks to the bed, as the view shows a better look at it.

## Trivia

* Yeah. The kid that pees his pants is you Coben. -Lobsterbike
* Chad was able to Breathe underwater because he doesn't... Well... Breathe. He doesn't have organs like you do. He's like a plant.
* The Seahorse song's lyrics are as follows:

"Weeeeeell ya know that yer gal wants a seahorse! But she don't want no scrawny lil' foal! So ya buy yerself a big one named Seymore, and ya bring em, to the water-in hoooole!

Ya slap on it's head, till ya wish ya were dead, but the bastard must have heard your rage, Well here's the good news, got a lesson or two, for you haven't caught up with this aaaage!

Ya can bring a seahorse to waterrrr!!! But ya can't make the suck-er suck airrrr... Ya remember how much it would please her, but by golly you don't seem to carrre!!!

If ya asked a pe-li-can who soars in the sky, if he ever would die to drink oooo-xy-gen! He sure wouldn't hear ya, because he ain't near ya, not one pelican is your friend!

Now ra-member those tips, bout your seahorses sips, like a pelican he doesn't caaaaa-are! You can lead down your non-drownin' seahorse to water,

But ya can't make, the sucker, suck aiirrrrrr!!!!"