Dates and Schoolgates

**"Wow, spending so much time in this void has actually made me finish!" - Pen**
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**"Wot'n ale's fozz'r'ye doin'?" - Pencil**
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"**Dates and Schoolgates**" is a new episode of Pencil 2.O, and until recently, there has been neither number nor date associated. In this episode, it's the first day of school for the younger kids and Pencil feels uneasy. Meanwhile, Pen accidentally finds something useful for the episode. (This episode chronologically, in regards to the school episodes, follows "Not Sco Much Viller")

## Tuesday, January 7, 2014

### **Home**

**Scene**
* **P****e****nci****l**: So, kids, are'ee ready fer yer firs' day o' school?
* **S****io**: You mean our first day back from the winter holidays, mum.
* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: And in that case, we aren't.
* **S****io**: Yeah, there's going to be so many tests.
* **Ja****vier**: But I *love* school!
* **Y****a****r****e****tzi**: Me two!
* **S****a****y****e**: Me three.
* **Y****a****r****e****tzi**: Really, Saye? What do you like most about it?
* **S****a****y****e**: The ~~boys~~ toys! And my history class where we only watch videos.
* **C****i****t****lali**: Wow. I did not know you high schoolers play with toys.
* **Z****o****rah**: I thought they did!
* **C****i****t****lali**: Zorah, this is rated G!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wote'er, I'd better get y' lot out to school in time. Can't make a firs' impression without bein' seen by e'eryone.

[*Exeunt omnes nisi Qalam-Rassas.*]

* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Mum, you're holding on for me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, fer, like, an 'ole day, yeah?
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: But I'm not in Honours Kindergarten anymore! It's January, so now I'm Grade ½!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Grade ½? Wot'n'ale's thet?
* **P****en**: Penc, five of our kids went through the exact same thing.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I know, but this is different!
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Can I just walk with the others?
* **P****e****nci****l**: N—
* **P****en**: Ech-*em?*
* **P****e****nci****l**: I mean "aye". [*sigh*]

[*Exit* **Qalam-Rassas**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, 'ave'ee got to go to work?
* **P****en**: Apparently the bullet plane to Headquarters isn't accepting flights due to repairs, so they're basically giving me the day off.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah. Wait, Pen, I think I left me water bottle in the girls' room. Mind if I get'e?
* **P****en**: Actually, I think I should get it for you, like a true gentleman.

[*He skips up the stairs to the room.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*sigh*] Sad thet yer the only only left at 'ome now thet QR's run off. Do me a favour an' ne'er grow up fer me, yeah?
* **C****i****l**: Goo!

### **School**

**Scene**Javier walks the halls alone, until he bumps into someone.
* **Ja****vier**: Oh!
* **Ca****pker**: [*realising*] Hey, you look kind of familiar. Are you a mirror?
* **Ja****vier**: Well, we both should know that if any of us were a mirror, it would be rather uncanny if one of us were talking.
* **Ca****pker**: That's true. I'm Capker!
* **Ja****vier**: Oh my gosh, my name's Javier! I don't supposed they call you Capker because—
* **Ca****pker**: Yep, that's right. My parents chose my name based on the name day calendar.
* **Ja****vier**: Are you new here?
* **Ca****pker**: Yeah, I just arrived from America.
* **Ja****vier**: That's pretty interesting. So, did you get your schedule yet?
* **Ca****pker**: Yeah … [*he shows his*]
* **Ja****vier**: Wow, we have the same schedule! It's like we're twins!
* **Ca****pker**: Awesome! But don't say "sh"-edule like that, it's "sk"-edule. Or at least that's how it was in the old country.
* **Ja****vier**: Yeah, that's what I thought.

[*They head off to class. Meanwhile, enter* **Zorah** *and her friends.*]

* **Lawrencia****h**: Omg, I can't wait for our new teacher!
* **Z****o****rah**: You mean, our new prank victim?
* **Lawrencia****h**: Sure, if you want to think of it that way.
* **Chu****p****all****a**: Maybe she's pretty.
* **Lawrencia****h**: Yeah, maybe …
* **Z****o****rah**: Come on, don't want to be late!
* **Lawrencia****h**: Wow, that was totally uncool.
* **Z****o****rah**: Sorry, it was just this stupid thing my mum told me.

### **Zorah's new class**

**Scene**Enter **Zorah** and her friends, when to their surprise, they find their teacher to be no other than Match.
* **Disco Light**: Woah, baby!
* **S****h****iel****d****y**: Ain't she pretty!
* **Z****o****rah**: What the hell? Match, why are you here?
* **Ma****tch**: Shh, I'll, like, tell you when the bell rings.
* **Lawrencia****h**: The bell rang ten minutes ago! We're just fashionably late.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, you're late! How do you spell tardy?
* **Chu****p****all****a**: P-R-E-S-E-N-T.
* **Ma****tch**: Maybe you should show me some R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
* **Chu****p****all****a**: I hate her already.

[*They take her seats.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Hello, class, my name is Ms. Merrier!
* **Sur****f****board**: Dude, that's such an inappropriate name.

[*The whole class laughs.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Excuse me, but it's more like an *ex* inappropriate name, just like me!

[*Silence.*]

* **Z****o****rah**: Wait, Ms. Merrier.
* **Ma****tch**: Yes, Zorah?
* **Z****o****rah**: Two things … Why are you here and can I call you "Aunt Merrier"?
* **Ma****tch**: Apparently, Headmistress Ball said she'd only hire me because nobody else wanted the job. You see, I heard your old teacher was caught … er … doing unteacherly things!
* **Sur****f****board**: We know!
* **S****h****iel****d****y**: Mr. Tolmerson was caught drinking alcohol … at a bar!

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **S****h****iel****d****y**: What? Just because I'm the oldest person here doesn't mean I don't know what's going on!
* **Ma****tch**: Alright everybody, let's let the teacher talk!

[*Silence.*]

* **Z****o****rah**: [*whispering to Chupalla*] If you think it's not unteacherly that my aunt Match is teaching us, she was something much worse a year ago.
* **Chu****p****all****a**: [*whispering to Lawrenciah*] If you think that is not a teacherly Match my aunt teaches us, it was something much worse a year ago.
* **Lawrencia****h**: [*whispering to Shieldy*] If you think this is not a Match teacherly aunt teaches us, it was something much worse there one year.
* **S****h****iel****d****y**: [*whispering to Disco Light*] If you do not think this is Match teacherly aunt teaches us, it was something much worse is not one year.

[*Pretty soon, the trail of translations travel across the whole room as Match reads a book, ending with Surfboard.*]

* **Sur****f****board**: Uh, Ms. Merrier?
* **Ma****tch**: Shh, I'm reading!
* **Sur****f****board**: Think bad Teacherly, she agrees.
* **Ma****tch**: The hell? [*she goes back to reading*]

### **Home**

**Scene**Pencil is watching TV as she hears Pen screaming.
* **P****en**: Penc! Come up here!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot's wrong?
* **P****en**: Just look!

[*She goes up to the girls' room, and it is a mess.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot 'appen'd 'ere? Thought y'was lookin' fer th' water bottle I left in 'ere!
* **P****en**: Oh, I found that already.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, y' threw thet down the stairs. Be careful, thet could make the stairs wet an' y' don't want to scare ol' 'ydrophobe Sio, m8!
* **P****en**: I know, but I found something even more horrible than water!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Please, wot could thet be?

[*He shows her.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Saye's diary?
* **P****en**: Yeah, it's her diary!
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Er diary she told'ee not to touch?
* **P****en**: I couldn't help it, it's a father's intuition!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Thet doesn' explain why you made this room a mess.
* **P****en**: It's really simple, I promise. Y'see, as I got your water bottle, there was this reflecty thing in it and out of the corner of my eye, I saw it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Er diary.
* **P****en**: No, my old goggles. I think Citlali stole it for one of her fashion mannequins because they were … well … *on* there. There wasn't much resistance, but it was still hard for me to pull, which caused me to fall onto her bed where I found for some reason Saye's diary.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You messed up ther 'ole room!
* **P****en**: Check what's on the last page!

[*She opens it.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: It's in Japanese.
* **P****en**: But she clearly erased her real entry. Isn't that why Saye looked a little missing on the top? Take a look. It says, "Going on a date, not telling my parents."
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wow. Thet's terrible!
* **P****en**: We have to stop her!
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, we don't. Like, wot if the guy Saye's a-datin' a good person?
* **P****en**: Please, if he were a good person he would take the time to meet me first to get my approval.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Jus' go back to cleanin' thet room, m8. I need to grieve.

[*Exit* **Pencil**. *She goes back to watching TV.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, 'avin' so little kids is such a bad idea. I hate ther ideer of all me kids in one place … e'en Match! Oh, 'ow I miss 'em …
* **C****i****l**: Maybe you shouldn't take the downhearted sides to this experience, but think of it as an experience. Having ten children is potentially stressful as heck, but what you need for all of them being gone is a daily holiday, wouldn't you like that?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, I would like thet. Thanks, Cil … wait a minute, you talk?
* **C****i****l**: Goo!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Of course …

### **Lunch**

**Scene**Saye and her friends are eating.
* **S****a****y****e**: Hey, guys!
* **Chocolatey**: Hey!
* **P****op****si****cley**: Can you believe they gave us a test just as we came back to school?
* **M****i****n****o****la**: This is the high school life!
* **Shelly**: I always thought we would be cooler than that.
* **S****a****y****e**: Aww, that's great. Anyways, I have a date with Nickel tonight!
* **Bo****a****t**: On a Monday? Man, you people are weird.
* **S****a****y****e**: Oi, says the girl who's eating a baguette.
* **Bo****a****t**: [*realising*] Not again!
* **S****a****y****e**: Well, I have proof that Nickel and I are going on a date, as you can clearly see in my dia— No! I left it at home!
* **Chocolatey**: Wait. You have a diary? That's so cool!
* **P****op****si****cley**: Sure, if you like recording things that happened in your irrelevant life.
* **Chocolatey**: It's like an autobiography.
* **P****op****si****cley**: Ah! A big word!

[*She sprays her with a hose away from the table.*]

* **Chocolatey**: Mum …
* **S****a****y****e**: Guys, this is terrible! I don't want people to see my diary! It's got foreign writing on it.
* **M****i****n****o****la**: So?
* **S****a****y****e**: My mother!
* **M****i****n****o****la**: Oh yeah, I got you at "mother".
* **S****a****y****e**: Like, what if my dad finds out I've got a date?
* **Shelly**: Calm down, you probably hid it in a secure place where your dad can't find it.
* **S****a****y****e**: [*sigh*] I guess you're right.

[*Suddenly, Match finds the girls.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, hi girls!
* **S****a****y****e**: Aunt Match?
* **Bo****a****t**: What are you doing here?
* **Ma****tch**: Thought I'd like to meet my most mature niece.
* **S****a****y****e**: Aww, that's so nice—
* **Ma****tch**: I was talking to Shelly.
* **Shelly**: Really?
* **Ma****tch**: No, just kidding.
* **Bo****a****t**: So, did you decide to be a teacher?
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah. It's really cool how they just let people work here without a degree!
* **M****i****n****o****la**: Says a lot about our education, doesn't it?
* **S****a****y****e**: Whatever. By the way, Aunt Match, can you keep a secret?
* **Ma****tch**: I don't know. Is is "may I"?
* **S****a****y****e**: IDK, English class is fifth period.
* **Ma****tch**: Oh, just tell me!
* **S****a****y****e**: Okay. I have a date tonight but I'm going to tell my mum and dad that I'm off to a friend's house.
* **Ma****tch**: ***OMG, YOU HAVE A DATE!?***

[*The girls laugh.*]

* **S****a****y****e**: Shh, not so loud, Aunt Match!
* **Ma****tch**: Sorry, I get really happy about things like that! Here, take my dating handbook.
* **S****a****y****e**: You just randomly had that with you?
* **Ma****tch**: No, I brought it with me for my first day! My class keeps telling me to stop reading, but maybe I should stop, just for them.
* **S****a****y****e**: Not just them.
* **Ma****tch**: Wait, but which friend are you at?
* **S****a****y****e**: I'm not really at a friend's house! It's a date, remember?
* **Ma****tch**: I know, but what if your mum and dad ask where you'll be?
* **S****a****y****e**: They won't ask that!
* **Ma****tch**: Aw, come on, of course they're going to ask that! I speak mother. Hey, tell you this, I'll walk with you all the way home. That way your mum won't even pay attention to you guys, eh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I guess you have a point.
* **Ma****tch**: ***YES!*** I have a point! See that, class of '22? I have a point! [*she chases after them*]

### **Auditorium**

**Scene**All of the class of 2025 are being picked by the headmistress to be in the first grade classes.
* **Golf Ball**: And in Mrs. Harlow's class: Soap-hia Andrews, Isa-bell-a Chiu, Soap-hia Silver, Idaka, Soap-hia Cleaner, Zonophoney, Isa-bell-a Narice … Qua … Cal …
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: [*getting up*] That's me!
* **Golf Ball**: Calvin Sanchez. Sorry, I couldn't read that. And that's all for Mrs. Harlow's class.
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: No!
* **Golf Ball**: And now for *my* class. Dustball #1, Dustball #2, Dustball #3 … and Qalam-Rassas Schreiber.
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: What? That's so unfair! The Dustballs are mute!
* **Golf Ball**: The correct word is *unable to speak*, son of a—
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Hey, not in front of the children. Mr. Schreiber, I am sorry, but we can't move you to another class.
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: But this isn't fair! All of my friends are in the same class, why can't I?
* **Golf Ball**: It was chosen randomly, and so you're randomly with me! [*evilly laughs*] Now everyone, go to my classroom at once! March two three four … march two three four …

### **After school**

**Scene**Everyone gets home from school, led by Match
* **Ma****tch**: Finally, my day of tortune is *done!*
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Mummy! [*he hugs her*] I'm never going to school again!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot—
* **Z****o****rah**: You'll never guess who my new teacher is … Mrs. "Merrier"!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Match, I told'ee, they'll respect'ee more if y' ectually go by "Ms. Zapalka".
* **Ma****tch**: Oh, but what's the fun in that?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Good point!
* **S****io**: For lunch we went to the pond and ate there!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Thet's cool, but—
* **Ja****vier**: I made a new friend!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Now thet's amazin', but I'm lookin' fer one person now.
* **Ma****tch**: Oh, that's Saye. She's … busy.
* **P****en**: Right.

[*Enter* **Saye**.]

* **S****a****y****e**: Hello, mum, dad! This is Aunt Match. She works at my school now!
* **P****en**: Well, enough about her, tell us about your day … and your future *plans*, eh?
* **S****a****y****e**: Life's good, I'm getting an A in five of my classes!
* **P****en**: Are you going anywhere tonight?
* **S****a****y****e**: Yeah, a friend's house.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ooh, which friend?
* **Ma****tch**: Told you.
* **S****a****y****e**: It's nothing, I'd better go.

[*She tries to go up.*]

* **P****en**: Hold it! By any chance are you doing anything that rhymes with eight?
* **S****a****y****e**: You mean stuff like "bate", "Kate", "m8", "great", "aggressively self-hydrate", "late" or "fate"? Wait a second, you read my diary?

[*Silence.*]

* **S****a****y****e**: You *did* read my diary! I'm never speaking to you again!

[*She slams her door.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*sigh*] I'd better go up there.
* **P****en**: I'd better follow.
* **X****i****men****a**: Hey, do you want to know what happened to me at school today?
* **S****io**: I think I'll pass.
* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: It's a no from all of us.
* **Y****a****r****e****tzi**: I have to de-dust the countertops.
* **X****i****men****a**: That's actually good, nothing happened today! It was all boring. Boring, boring, boring!
* **Z****o****rah**: Same thing, sister. And same thing, *Ms. Merrier*!
* **Ma****tch**: I'm sorry, but I just didn't know what to do! They don't give detentions in grade 4, so I was stuck reading a novel that could be better.
* **Z****o****rah**: Maybe you could have flipped my card to the red one. Nobody looks at those!
* **Ja****vier**: Aunt Match, on the bright side, you don't have to tell mum and dad about Saye's date!
* **Ma****tch**: Wait, how did you hear that?
* **Ja****vier**: You shouted it at us.
* **Ma****tch**: Ah.
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Aunt Match, can you be my teacher?
* **Ma****tch**: I wish I could, preschoolers are so much better than fourth graders.
* **[** **Z****o****rah** · **Y****a****r****e****tzi** **]**: Hey!

### **The girls' room**

**Scene**Saye is crying.
* **S****a****y****e**: It isn't fair!
* **P****en**: [*from the other side*] Open up!
* **P****e****nci****l**: We need a talk with our daughter.

[*She opens the door.*]

* **S****a****y****e**: What do you want?
* **P****en**: About reading your diary …
* **S****a****y****e**: Why would you think this is cool? You're invading my privacy! Dad, I'm fourteen, I can write what I want here!
* **P****e****nci****l**: We know yer old enough to write, m8, but we're still in charge of'ee. An' when we see somethin' thet you've writ in yer diary, it makes us, yer parents, feel worried.
* **S****a****y****e**: Mum, you have nothing to worry about!
* **P****en**: What about the time you ran away to ~~Terwiter's~~ Germany? You don't think we were worried then?
* **S****a****y****e**: Well, yeah. But that was only in November! It's going to be my birthday in a month and I want to do what *I* want, not just what you want!
* **P****en**: Saye, do you know how dangerous dates have the possibility of being? What if he's an old man in disguise? Then we'll have to get Officer Coiny involved, and …
* **S****a****y****e**: Dad, you know who my date is!
* **P****en**: Really?
* **S****a****y****e**: Aye, he's Nickel, the love of my life.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Nickel, as in Needy's … [*slap*] lover's brother?
* **S****a****y****e**: Yeah, him!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I don' know, me sister says 'e's jus' Coiny with an attitude. An' we can't 'ave *two* people from the family be datin' from the same family?
* **P****en**: Unless you want your family tree to look like an electroencephalograph.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi Pen, this is girl talk.
* **P****en**: Sorry.

[*Exit* **Pen**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I get'e, Saye, 'tis yer firs' date.
* **S****a****y****e**: Well, my first *real* date.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot?
* **S****a****y****e**: Nothing.

### **Downstairs**

**Scene**
* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: And then it dropped, and they watched as they saw the very destruction of the city! Cool, right?
* **Ma****tch**: While your description of the 1943 atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were descriptive *and* graphic, that still doesn't beat what happens between me and Eraser.
* **C****i****t****lali**: Censored!

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **S****io**: So, Avi, you have a new friend?
* **Ja****vier**: Yeah! His name is Capker, and he looks a lot like Citlali!
* **X****i****men****a**: So that means he looks like you too?
* **Ja****vier**: Nope!
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Izzie, what was your first grade like?
* **Y****a****r****e****tzi**: I can't say it was good, because it happened while we were living with Grandma.
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: So is first grade *supposed* to be horrible?
* **Y****a****r****e****tzi**: No, it's supposed to be fun!
* **Z****o****rah**: Yeah, except when they take away nap time.
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Wait. No naptime? *Nooooooooooooo!*
* **Z****o****rah**: There's more coming for you about that too.

[*Qalam-Rassas sighs. Meanwhile, Saye and Pencil walk down.*]

* **S****a****y****e**: And that's when we started dating on the American holiday of Thanksgiving. We were so in love, and in fact we still are!
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's great yer 'appy, m8, but you've better be h'early to yer date. Wouldn't wan' to keep yer sweetness waitin', no?
* **S****a****y****e**: That is a good idea. I'll see you all sometime in the near future, people!

[*She heads to the door, but Pen stops to rush it.*]

* **P****en**: Halt, soldier!
* **S****a****y****e**: I'm just going to a friend's house!
* **P****en**: Which one?
* **Ma****tch**: ***NAGASAKI!***
* **P****en**: Alright, you seem good.
* **S****a****y****e**: Thanks, I'll text you if anything is necessary. Bye!

[*Exit* **Saye**.]

* **P****en**: Did anyone else notice she had eyelashes?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Pen, leave'e. She's jus' growin' up an'ee've got to respect thet.
* **Ma****tch**: I told you Pencil was the mature one!

### **Later that night**

**Scene**As everyone else is sleeping, Saye arrives home from her date. Pencil and Pen, having fallen asleep on the couches, wake up.
* **P****en**: Huh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot's thet?

[*He opens the door.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Schreiber.
* **P****en**: Excuse me, but my title is Gen, so it's "General Schreiber".
* **Nic****k****el**: Sorry, Saye's dad!
* **S****a****y****e**: Sorry we got home late. What happened?
* **Nic****k****el**: Yeah, you guys look like a mess!
* **S****a****y****e**: Oi, Nickel, let me do the talking here?
* **Nic****k****el**: Sorry, baby.
* **P****en**: It's our fault. We promised each other that none of us would fall asleep until our daughter comes home.
* **S****a****y****e**: And then?
* **P****en**: We fell asleep.
* **P****e****nci****l**: So, Saye, 'ow was yer date?
* **S****a****y****e**: It was so fun! We went to the cinema and watched *The Girl*.
* **Nic****k****el**: And Saye was crying because of the subtle references to the issues in today's society.
* **P****en**: Isn't that, like, rated 18? Y'know, for those *over 18?*
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's okay, she's a growing teen.
* **P****en**: You mean growing pain?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot the shiト, m8?
* **P****en**: Hey, it's a joke!
* **P****e****nci****l**: The bouncer clearly can't make good jokes.
* **S****a****y****e**: Y'know, maybe I should fall asleep. Don't want any nightmares about old British houses!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, if'ee don' sleep soon, you'll be h'a-gettin' nightmares o' houses with British people! [*pointing to herself*]
* **S****a****y****e**: Hey, can Nickel stay the night?
* **P****en**: No.
* **S****a****y****e**: Good night, love you!
* **Nic****k****el**: See you at school tomorrow!

[*Exit* **Nickel**.]

* **[** **P****e****nci****l** · **P****en** **]**: Good night!
* **S****a****y****e**: I gotta sleep.

[*She runs up, ending the day.*]

## Wednesday, January 8

### **Saye's room**

**Scene**
* **S****a****y****e**: Ah, just a lovely day in NickelAndMeVille.

### **Dining room**

**Scene**Starting the day, Saye goes down for breakfast.
* **S****a****y****e**: Morning Nimena, Iaretzi, Cil, Kalvador, Evier, Lallie!

[*Expectant sounds. Saye gets some donuts from the refrigerator, but soon sees that the box is empty.*]

* **S****a****y****e**: Why are there no donuts here?
* **X****i****men****a**: Saye, you hate donuts!
* **S****a****y****e**: I know, but my boyfriend *loves* them!
* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: If your boyfriend ever comes over, can I pour strawberry yoghurt on him?
* **S****a****y****e**: [*in a very deep voice*] ***NO!***
* **C****i****t****lali**: Saye-chan, are you okay?
* **S****a****y****e**: Why wouldn't I be?
* **C****i****t****lali**: Last night you were up all night kissing a picture of Nickel.
* **S****a****y****e**: I was most certainly not.
* **X****i****men****a**: Then why did I have a dream about me at the beach making the biggest sand castle in the world, and when you were in it you were kissing Nickel in a photograph?
* **Y****a****r****e****tzi**: Yeah, you were kissing him and saying "I love you, Nickel!"
* **Z****o****rah**: I had the same dream of both of y'all, but instead of being at the beach I was on the moon. And Saye wasn't in it. And neither was a phone.
* **Y****a****r****e****tzi**: Speaking of phone, how is school for you, Ora?
* **Z****o****rah**: Our teacher is Aunt Match. Wait, how did you get—
* **Ja****vier**: Hold on a nanosecond. You're actually letting our Aunt Match teach you?
* **Z****o****rah**: Yeah, she's awesome! She's better than any teacher that you people ever had.
* **Ja****vier**: Then let me know when I see all the strikes on your grade 4 report card like I always do.
* **Z****o****rah**: Well!
* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: Hey, Sio! You ditching school today?
* **S****io**: Yeah.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot'n'ale? 'O's a-ditchin' school?
* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: Two words, Pencil. My. Brother.
* **S****io**: Mum, it isn't a class or anything; it's lunch!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, okay, I feel'ee. When I was at thet school we always went off-campus fer lunch. So where'ee goin'?
* **S****io**: The Inventing Club and I are going to—
* **S****a****y****e**: I'd love saying it, but I'm in love, I'm in love, in *love!*

[*She literally dances out of the house.*]

* **Ja****vier**: Wait for us!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, I recommend thet'ee go out an' catch up with yer sister.

[*Exeunt omnes nisi* **Qalam-Rassas***.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, wot're'ee a-waitin' fer, QR, go with 'em!
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: I don't wanna! And I thought you *didn't* want me to leave!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I don' know, jus' all o' the recent news about yer sister's got me more focused, an' I really think thet you can totally 'andle a day at school.
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: But mum!

[*Enter* **Pen** *in his business suit.*]

* **P****e****n**: What's going on? I admire myself in the mirror for at least three minutes when on the other side in the window I see our eldest daughter waltzing like it's 1864!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, I'll explain thet later. But firs', Qal's got somethin' to tell'ee.
* **P****e****n**: What is it, QR?
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Daddy, I don't want to go to school!
* **P****e****n**: Why? Personally, I believe that our education system has improved within the past nine years.
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: But it's my teacher. She's so mean!
* **P****e****n**: I'm sure she's not that bad. When I was at that school the meanest teacher I think was the dean of discipline or something. Not only was she a morally questionable person on BFDI, but she was *so* mean and she was *so* old, and she had so many dimples that she triggered your Uncle Nelson's fear of holes.
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: That's the one! Dad, fire her!
* **P****e****n**: Ha, only my father can do that. Y'know, they called him the—
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Trump of Tel Aviv. Didn't he already call himself that?
* **P****e****n**: Yeah, but I thought that now would be a better time than ever to reference that name.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, don' be Coiny with yer meta-ness! [*to QR*] Qal, if'ee needs yer professor to be threatened, y'says these words t'r'a: Either [*in the same voice as Pencil from BFDI(A)*] "I don't promise!" er "Sorry, GB, can't do that!"
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Hey, those words were from your show, Mummy!
* **P****e****n**: Yeah, your voice cracked like mine never did!
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: I'll say it once I can catch up with the rest of the crew.

[*Exit* **Qalam-Rassas**.]

* **P****e****n**: What were we talking about again?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, nothin'. By the way, now I can swear without feelin' guilty. *Wot the fuク'r'ee wearin'?*
* **P****e****n**: This?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye. It's neither too formal nor informal to wear clothes.
* **P****e****n**: Yeah, it's casual Wednesday at the embassy.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Interestin' …

[*Awkward silence.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Omg, Saye's in love!
* **P****e****n**: With Nickel?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, with the washin' machine. Aye, with Nickel! An' I'm a-startin' to notice thet she's going a little too obsessed with'e.
* **P****e****n**: Don't worry, teenage girls are always like that! I wouldn't be able to tell you how the experience was because I was never a teenage girl, but I'm sure you can provide me with some perspective, eh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen dear, I've spent the mos' o' me teenage years without a father figure present. If anythin', me mum encouraged me to date'ee!
* **P****e****n**: Of course. And besides, who can't find me irresistable?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Anti-Semites, Brazilian soldiers, Anti-Semitic Brazilian soldiers …
* **P****e****n**: I'd better go.
* **P****e****nci****l**: So yer okay with Saye datin' Nickel despite 'erself *not* arrivin' pas' curfew, *not* sayin' good night ter us, *not* 'atin' donuts as she used ter an' *not* waitin' fer the kids to ready an' go to school
* **P****en**: Pretty much. Bye!

[*He kisses her, and then leaves. Cut to the other side of the door.*]

* **P****e****n**: Hate that guy!

[*Meanwhile, inside.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*groans*] Why can't e'erythin' be the same way 'twas yesterday?
* **C****i****l**: [*from his living room crib*] Are you sure that you want everything to be your way as it was yesterday? You sure was more unhappy with leaving my older brother.
* **P****e****nci****l**: An' then there's thet!
* **C****i****l**: Goo!

### **School**

**Scene**
* **Shelly**: Hey, Saye! [*she sees her spinning and not noticing*] Frau Pencil Camania Sayéne Schreiber, what is wrong with you!?
* **S****a****y****e**: [*dazed*] I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love!

[*She spins near Boat, Chocolatey, Minola and Popsicley.*]

* **Bo****a****t**: Does anyone else see Saye spinning around like a record baby?
* **M****i****n****o****la**: Watch out, here she comes.
* **S****a****y****e**: [*not noticing*] I'm in love, in love, in *love!*

[*She crashes into a wall and falls down.*]

* **S****a****y****e**: I'm in wall.

[*Javier notices her as he walks with Capker.*]

* **Ca****pker**: And that's when I learned to code for the National Technology Board back in 2006—
* **Ja****vier**: Oh my gosh! Saye!

[*He runs to her.*]

* **Ja****vier**: Capker, fetch a nurse.
* **Ca****pker**: Why? It's not me who's in pain!
* **Ja****vier**: [*sigh*] I knew there was a flaw in you all along! We're through, and find yourself a new best friend at it too; my sister is in pain!
* **Ca****pker**: That's okay with me. My time at the student exchange programme is done.

[*Exit* **Capker**.]

* **Ja****vier**: Saye, are you okay?
* **S****a****y****e**: Apparently, I'm not.
* **Ja****vier**: [*sigh*] I made a big mistake. I told my best friend he was of no use since he didn't get you a nurse.
* **S****a****y****e**: You can always hang out with Bae Nickel and me, y'know, be my third wheel and all.
* **Ja****vier**: I think I'd rather do some independent study at that.

[*Exit* **Javier**. *At the same time, enter Saye's friends.*]

* **Chocolatey**: Oh my Ghent!
* **P****op****si****cley**: Saye, how did you end up here?
* **M****i****n****o****la**: Should I call my mother?
* **S****a****y****e**: I'm fine, I'm just in love!
* **Shelly**: Saye, Nickel isn't here today. They told us he's sick and he's going to be in America for a few days.
* **S****a****y****e**: If my Nickel's going to be sick, then I will too!

[*The other girls look at each other.*]

* **Bo****a****t**: I'll get the nurse to make you sick then.
* **M****i****n****o****la**: I've never heard of an *un*-nurse before.
* **S****a****y****e**: They'll do it!

### **Golf Ball's class**

**Scene**
* **Golf Ball**: All right, students. Today we will start with math. Who can tell me the quadratic formula?
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Can I phone a friend? Oh, wait. They're all in the other class.
* **Golf Ball**: And you're not allowed to use a phone in the lower grades. ***JUST TELL ME THE QUADRATIC FORMULA!***
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: I don't know it, I'm not like my brother Avi!
* **Golf Ball**: Then let me teach it to you. First you draw an X. Do you know how to draw an X?
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Yes, Mrs. Ball, but I don't know what the alphabet has to do with—
* **Golf Ball**: You don't! First, you put your chalk on *this* part of the board. And then, you move diagonally, making a 45° angle with the board. We do it … do it … do it … [*her walkie-talkie rings*] Ugh, what is it now, TB?

[*Tennis Ball's voice is heard on the walkie-talkie, words being indistinguishable.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Okay … yes … I've got it … I'll be right there!

[*Exit* **Golf Ball**.]

* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: ***PARTY!***

[*One of the dust balls blows over.*]

* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Oh yeah, maybe I should go party at Mrs. Harlow's class.

### **Mr. Avenue's class**

**Scene**
* **Ave****nue**: And that's why the letter A should be the last letter banned from the alphabet.
* **S****io**: I wouldn't be so sure about that.

[*Enter* **Golf Ball**.]

* **Golf Ball**: Is there a [*reads the paper*] Pen Schreiber II in this class?
* **Ave****nue**: Yes, Your Majesty, but he graduated. Wonderful student, I'd say.
* **Golf Ball**: I don't need to hear the good things!
* **Ave****nue**: Sio, you are excused from class.

[*He goes out into the hall.*]

* **S****io**: Excuse me, Headmistress Ball, but why am I here?
* **Golf Ball**: I am sentencing you to detention Friday night.
* **S****io**: What? Why?
* **Golf Ball**: You were seen at the beach at lunchtime today, and being off-campus for the purpose of not eating is forbidden, young man.
* **S****io**: Aww! Now I've got something to do on Friday!
* **Golf Ball**: Oh, and I've got your friends to be there too.
* **S****io**: Awesome. I mean, no!

[*Enter* **Singaporean Dollar**.]

* **Ringgit S.G.D.**: Attention, Headmistress Ball, but you are no longer allowed to be teaching Primary 1.
* **Golf Ball**: Good, because I'm from A-*me*-ri-ca and it's called first grade for your information.
* **Ringgit S.G.D.**: That is what I meant, lah. You are suspended from that grade.
* **Golf Ball**: What? Why?
* **Ringgit S.G.D.**: According to the school rules: "No teacher who is a ball with 336 holes is allowed to take even a minute off her job."
* **Golf Ball**: Darn it, I wrote that law to enforce workaholism.
* **Ringgit S.G.D.**: Now I must assign to you a new teaching position.
* **Golf Ball**: Uh, SG, how about I carry you? You know this is a treat from the headmistress to our school security guard.
* **Ringgit S.G.D.**: I am a man of great honesty, Headmistress, and I will take the offer generously.

[*She starts walking, carrying him.*]

* **S****io**: So am I off the hook?
* **Golf Ball**: Wh- whatever!
* **S****io**: Yes, now I'll go call my friends!
* **Golf Ball**: Hey, no phones!
* **Ringgit S.G.D.**: Can you go any faster than this?
* **Golf Ball**: Stop complaining.

### **Super secret room**

**Scene**Pen is with his commissioner.
* **In****fosy****m**: Schreiber, just the man for whom I was searching.
* **P****e****n**: Hello, sir.
* **In****fosy****m**: Your mission today: On the Internet there are several forums advertising hate speech, and it is your job to stop it.
* **P****e****n**: There's always going to be hate speech on the Internet. It's just something that can't be stopped. I'm sorry, sir, but I can't fully carry out this mission.
* **In****fosy****m**: Okay, but you might miss something directed against you.

[*The word "you" resonates with Pen.*]

* **In****fosy****m**: You. You. YOU. YOOOUUU. ***YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!***
* **P****e****n**: If it concerns me, I'll definitely go!
* **In****fosy****m**: [*handing him a paper*] Here is the address.
* **P****e****n**: [*reading*] It's in America? But that means I'll have to take the Underground Rocket Launch! And I don't like when it's loud, it makes me want to give my wife a hug …
* **In****fosy****m**: Schreiber, this isn't going to get better before it gets worse.
* **P****e****n**: That doesn't make sense.
* **In****fosy****m**: Dang it, that was me trying to sound deep! [*getting more serious*] Also, Schreiber, remove the business suit. It isn't casual Wednesday.
* **P****e****n**: Soarry 'boat that.

### **Somewhere in the United States**

**Scene**Pen arrives through a vent in a suburban American house
* **P****en**: Huh. Y'know, I've always wondered what a house looks like in the land of the free.

[*He peeks through the vent, and sees something surprising.*]

* **P****en**: [*trying not to scream; in a deep voice*] Holy smokes!

[*Fortunately, nobody notices Pen's reaction to Nickel on the computer.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Yeah, that's right! [*starts typing furiously*]
* **In****fosy****m**: [*on a walkie-talkie*] Do you see the suspect?
* **P****en**: I see him clearly.
* **In****fosy****m**: That's good. Now wait for him to get off the computer and delete the website.
* **P****en**: Okay, I am ready!

### **Zorah's class**

**Scene**Everyone is making noise, throwing things, etc.
* **S****h****iel****d****y**: This is so fun!
* **Chu****p****all****a**: I never thought we could not really do anything at school, but enjoy ourselves!
* **Lawrencia****h**: Yeah, I'm getting hit with all kinds of stuff!
* **Sur****f****board**: Maybe we should shut up *just a little bit* so Ms. Merrier can read. She is really busy with her book.
* **S****h****iel****d****y**: And those noise-removal headphones really hit the spot.
* **Chu****p****all****a**: She probably did not even realise that we are having so much fun!

[*Enter* **Golf Ball**. *Everyone in the class returns to their seats.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Match Anastasia Achsah Zapałka! Are you aware that your entire class has been in chaos for almost four hours? This is an outrage! I am so mad that I can fire you on the spot!
* **Sur****f****board**: Dude, Headmistress Baller …
* **Golf Ball**: ***WHAT?!***
* **Sur****f****board**: She can't even, like, hear you right now. She's wearing Deats.
* **Golf Ball**: I know what Deats are.

[*She grabs the headphones, yankes it out of her head, and makes her go at her level.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Oh, hey, GBGBWTF, what's going on here?
* **Golf Ball**: ***YOU'RE! FIRED!*** I'm taking over your class now.
* **Students**: No!
* **Golf Ball**: You all talk badly about me and you all get detentions!
* **Students**: [*halfheartedly*] Yay!
* **Sur****f****board**: I'm so getting a refund on those headphones.
* **Ma****tch**: Fired? It's one of *your* rules that you can't be out of your job for more than a minute, eh?
* **Golf Ball**: [*blandly*] I'll be in my room.

### **Mrs. Ball's (former) classroom**

**Scene**
* **Golf Ball**: Alright, everyone, I'm leaving for the fourth grade.
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: But I won't have a teacher!
* **Golf Ball**: Actually, you'll be transferred. After I realised that the Dustballs aren't even students at this school but just regular dustballs, I made sure that you would be at … [*shudders*] Mrs. Harlow's class.
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: In that case, I don't promise, and sorry, GB, can't do that!

[*Golf Ball gags, and exits.*]

### **Six hours later**

**Scene**Pen is still in the vents
* **P****en**: It's been six hours and suspect is still on the computer. How is this healthy? It just makes me worried as for what my kids do when they're not in school.
* **In****fosy****m**: Stick with it, Schreiber …
* **Canadian Dollar**: [*not seen*] Nickel, dear, can you please help me set the arrival table for the dinner of tonight's special guests?
* **Nic****k****el**: I don't know, can I?
* **Canadian Dollar**: Please don't use that tone of voice with me, young ~~lady~~ ~~ma'am~~ man!

[*Exit* **Nickel**.]

* **P****en**: Perfect, he's gone!
* **In****fosy****m**: Will he be away for a while?
* **P****en**: Probably. He's been sent to set the table.

[*He hears noises in the vents.*]

* **P****en**: Holy San Francisco!
* **In****fosy****m**: Don't get profane on me. What is it?
* **P****en**: I think I've been discovered.
* **In****fosy****m**: Continue on with your plans. Just great! They don't find a planet on the outer edge of the solar system but they have the ability to find a non-American when they see one. Why couldn't we have just gone to Australia for the mission?
* **P****en**: What?
* **In****fosy****m**: Sorry, you weren't supposed to hear that.

[*Finding Pen are Nickel's younger (dime) twin sisters, Liberty and Rooseveltia.*]

* **Liberty**: ***OH MY GOD!***
* **Rooseveltia**: What is it, Libby?
* **Liberty**: There's an old man in our air vents!
* **P****en**: Excuse me, but I am twenty-four. And I'm working for another country in order to complete, international mission, so I'm *more* than a man.
* **Rooseveltia**: We're telling mom!
* **Liberty**: Yeah!

[*Exeunt the twin sisters.*]

* **P****en**: That was close.

[*The vent opens, and Pen finds himself at the computer.*]

* **P****en**: Now let's see what my daughter's boyfriend's looking up that's so hateful. [*he sees the website*] Pencilhate.com? What is this site? [*he reads the description*] Hating on pencils since 1992 … okay, hating against my wife is a serious offence, but how do I get this off the Internet?
* **In****fosy****m**: I never told you to get rid of the entire site, or for that the entire Internet, just the posts.
* **P****en**: Here's goes … scum of the Web, you're going down.
* **In****fosy****m**: It shouldn't be hard to delete the posts, since your target is a moderator for that website.
* **P****en**: Wait. Nickel moderates a *whole forum* dedicated to hating a whole object group?
* **In****fosy****m**: Yes, he does.

### **Kitchen**

**Scene**The girls tell their mother as Nickel makes food.
* **Liberty**: Mama, the craziest thing happened!
* **Canadian Dollar**: Really, what is it?
* **Rooseveltia**: There's an old international man in our vents!
* **Liberty**: And he's speaking to himself like a lunatic.
* **Canadian Dollar**: Right, and there's a madwoman in our attic.
* **Rooseveltia**: No, there isn't!
* **Liberty**: Yeah, we don't have an attic.
* **P****en**: [*reading the posts*] "Comparing IQ of adult pencils to infants", "I found a lappti at the store today. Why don't they ban those people", "Member of the pencil species arrested for graffiti in Los Angeles", "Next on Trump's deport list: pencils". These posts all seem to come from one author.
* **In****fosy****m**: And you can delete them also.
* **P****en**: I will do that! But how?
* **In****fosy****m**: There is a button that says—
* **P****en**: Never mind, I found it. [*one of the posts starts to play at a high volume, but Pen quickly shuts it down*] Please don't make me delete another post!
* **In****fosy****m**: That wasn't the delete button.
* **P****en**: Oh, now you tell me!

[*He deletes the posts actually.*]

* **P****en**: Yes! I've got to tell you, that was *the* easiest thing I've ever done!
* **In****fosy****m**: Now, quickly leave the place. Nickel might come back any minute.
* **P****en**: On it!

[*Exit* **Pen**. *Shortly after, enter* **Nickel** *with* **Canadian Dolllar**, **Rooseveltia** *and* **Liberty**.]

* **Rooseveltia**: He's here, I'm telling you!
* **Canadian Dollar**: I don't see no man here.
* **Liberty**: But—
* **Nic****k****el**: Wait, all of my posts have been deleted!
* **Canadian Dollar**: I'm sure it's not bad, other people have seen them, not you, right?
* **Nic****k****el**: This is what happens when I leave the computer for six hours.
* **Liberty**: Mom, you've got to believe us when we saw a man here!
* **Rooseveltia**: Yeah, things don't disappear like that!
* **Canadian Dollar**: Oh, come on. Luckily, Nickel has made a pie for us all, so we can forgot all about this, don't you think?

### **On the way to Kenya**

**Scene**Pen is dumbfounded at what he found as he goes underwater through a tunnel.
* **P****en**: Whoa, what happened?
* **In****fosy****m**: Sir, you deleted a hate website. The Internet should be 0.001% more peaceful now.
* **P****en**: I know, but the moderator for the site is my daughter's boyfriend. I even saw a post saying "Dating a mistished lappti only because she loves me".
* **In****fosy****m**: That is offensive, but I have no reckoning as to what that means.
* **P****en**: It's an old racist term from, like, the 1900s referring to someone who's half pencil.
* **In****fosy****m**: Wow, I never know they made terms like that anymore.
* **P****en**: Not the point. I mean, what should I do with them?
* **In****fosy****m**: I may not be acquainted with teenage relationships, but … tell'a to dump his sorry little arse.
* **P****en**: I never knew you were so profane.
* **In****fosy****m**: Oh, whom am I going to offend, the fish?
* **P****en**: Good point.

[*Pen ends up in the bathtub of his own home. Javier screams as he washes his hands.*]

* **Ja****vier**: HELP ME RHONDA!
* **P****en**: Avi, it's just me taking an alternate route.
* **Ja****vier**: Okay, thanks. [*breathes heavily*] I feel better already. Your dinner's on the counter.
* **P****en**: Who knew near-light speed travel could make a man so crave-y?

### **Dining room**

**Scene**Saye is on the phone.
* **S****a****y****e**: That's awful, your website broke down?

[*Pen has his pizza suspended in his hands.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: [*on the other side*] Yeah, for some reason it doesn't work! All of the past posts are gone!
* **S****a****y****e**: What website is it?
* **Nic****k****el**: Uh … it's called Economyhate.com.
* **S****a****y****e**: Is that where you hate the economy?
* **Nic****k****el**: Yes, that's what it is.
* **P****en**: Er, Saye, can I talk to you about something for a bit?
* **S****a****y****e**: [*sigh*] Fine. Nickel, it's my dad again.

[*They hang up again.*]

* **S****io**: Really? No goodbye?
* **S****a****y****e**: Sio, this is serious.
* **P****en**: Yeah, kids, this is … to say the least, girl talk.

[*Exeunt all the boys.*]

* **P****en**: *Teenage* girl talk.

[*Exeunt all but one of the girls.*]

* **P****en**: That means you too, Citlali, y'know.

[*Exit* **Citlali**.]

* **S****a****y****e**: What do you want? I was in the middle of a *really* important conversation!
* **P****en**: There's something you need to hear.
* **S****a****y****e**: What is it?
* **P****en**: The website that Nickel was talking to you about wasn't Economyhate.com.
* **S****a****y****e**: Yes, it was, he said it himself.
* **P****en**: He was lying. It's really a hate website against pencils.
* **S****a****y****e**: Wow … I can't believe you'd take the overtime shift at work just to lie to me about my love! You're not even a hero, you're not even my father!

[*She goes upstairs and slams the door and Pen sighs.]*

## Thursday, January 9

### **After school**

**Scene**Saye is with her friends.
* **S****a****y****e**: And then he lied to me, saying that he was a part of some website, posting mean things about my kind.
* **Chocolatey**: That's so uncool!
* **Shelly**: This just shows why I can't meet other people's parents.
* **M****i****n****o****la**: Parents are crazy like that.
* **S****a****y****e**: How do I get my dad to start liking him anyway?
* **P****op****si****cley**: I don't think he can. Y'know, until Nickel starts singing any of the top 40 songs to him or something like that.
* **S****a****y****e**: Ugh, this is pointless. Nobody on earth can convince him otherwise. He'll be steadfast until July 2, 2089. That's when he'll be regen'd.
* **P****op****si****cley**: Oh, for a second I thought you were pointing at us.

### **Embassy**

**Scene**Pen is ready to go home.
* **In****fosy****m**: Congratulations, Schreiber. You saved that company *and* the food on their plates from being liquidated.
* **P****en**: So may I leave early?
* **In****fosy****m**: Of course. The time is yours.
* **P****en**: Great!

[*Exit* **Infosym**.]

* **P****en**: And now to convince my daughter she's dating a racist … But who should I call— I mean, *whom?* Sorry, Broca's area.

[*He calls Chocolatey.*]

* **Chocolatey**: Hello?
* **P****en**: This is Saye's father.
* **Chocolatey**: Uh-oh. Target achieved … abort call!
* **P****en**: Hold on. Are you tired of Saye acting all in-love all of a sudden?
* **Chocolatey**: Of course! I mean, it's completely irrational behaviour. And besides, I feel like she's spending more time with him than he is with us.
* **P****en**: Would you say you're annoyed be it?
* **Chocolatey**: What am I, a tween sitcom? Yeah, I'm annoyed! I just want the old Saye.
* **P****en**: Then come to our house by 2000 hours and I'll show you all of it.
* **Chocolatey**: 2000? Isn't that, like, a few months?
* **P****en**: [*sigh*] I mean 8:00 PM! Goodness, people don't know their military time anymore.
* **Chocolatey**: I'll tell the others.

[*He hangs up and goes home through the bathtub again, where Javier is washing his hands.*]

* **Ja****vier**: SHUT DOWN!
* **P****en**: Avi, are you using the computer?
* **Ja****vier**: Not that I know of. Do you need someth—

[*He rushes downstairs and gets on Pencilhate.com. Eventually Pencil sees the website.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: ***KIDS, GET THE CURSE WORD DOWN 'ERE RIGHT NOW!***

[*They all rush, recognising her anger.*]

* **S****io**: What's going on?
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***'O'N'ALE LOGGED ONTO THIS WEBSITE?***
* **Ja****vier**: Not me, I wasn't using the computer.
* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: And I hate on other types of people— I mean it wasn't me.
* **P****en**: [*going down*] Wait, I can explain this!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*softly*] Please do. Acos ***I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY THE DOWNSTAIRS COMPUTER'S SET TER AN 'ATE SITE!***
* **P****en**: This is just me proving that Saye's love is a flove.
* **S****a****y****e**: A flove. Tell me that's someone whom you trust, yeah?
* **P****en**: Nope! Your Nickel has been posting mean things on the Internet against your people.
* **S****a****y****e**: That's utter horse—
* **C****i****t****lali**: Poop.
* **S****a****y****e**: What she said …

[*Enter the friendship group. Pen hastily covers the computer screen with a cloth.*]

* **Bo****a****t**: Hey, peoples.
* **P****op****si****cley**: What have you got to show us?
* **P****en**: I have come to present to you … [*takes the cloth off the computer*] PencilHate.com!
* **M****i****n****o****la**: [*clapping*] Yay, an introduction … okay, nobody else is doing it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen dear, it sounds bad e'en when *you* says'e.
* **Shelly**: So, why *did* you come and show us this horrible website?
* **P****en**: Fun fact, did you know that Nickel is a part of this website? … Now that I think about it, that's not fun at all.
* **S****a****y****e**: And neither is it the second one; don't facts have to be true?
* **P****en**: Do you see this username?
* **X****i****men****a**: I don't see anything at all.
* **S****io**: Yeah, you zoomed out the computer 10%.
* **P****en**: But if I zoom it in, it's going to take a long time and running from the bathtub to the dining room takes a lot more energy than I thought it would.
* **Bo****a****t**: Come on, Mr. S, give me one good reason why you think Nickel is supposedly on this website—
* **P****op****si****cley**: —or else we're leaving.
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Okay, Nick's innocent, you can go now.
* **P****op****si****cley**: [*condescendingly*] Little Qallie, if my presence if making you uncomfortable, then just say so.
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: I would have said so the day you were brought from the maternity ward.
* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: Damn, Firey not being here, but *burn that shiㅌ down, son!*
* **P****en**: A-ha! Found it!

[*He zooms in on the username.*]

* **The Friendship Group**: Thatselnotle?
* **P****op****si****cley**: Isn't that, like, Mexican for God or something?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Mexican ain't a language, an' I would know thet.
* **P****op****si****cley**: Sorry.
* **S****a****y****e**: Seriously, guys, this is the dumbest proof ever! Lots of people have "le" in their names.
* **Chocolatey**: Yeah, maybe he's a fan of Asha Bhosle.
* **Bo****a****t**: But you do have to remember that Nickel doesn't like when his name is spelt "Nickle".
* **S****a****y****e**: True, but it can't possibly be him. He *loves* pencils, because he loves me! Alright, everyone, out!

[*Exeunt omnes.*]

* **S****a****y****e**: I guess I did learn something today. The significance of *absolutely nothing!*

## Friday, January 10

### **Home**

**Scene**Everyone leaves for school (with Ximena being pushed around in a wheelbarrow), but Pen keeps Saye behind.
* **P****en**: Saye, wait.
* **S****a****y****e**: You're not going to berate my boy, are you?
* **P****en**: Nope. I just want to know one little thing … What time does your history class start?
* **S****a****y****e**: Today? At 10:10 … hours.
* **P****en**: Alright, that's all I need to know.
* **S****a****y****e**: Really? Because Nickel is *not* in that class.
* **P****en**: Oh, I know.
* **S****a****y****e**: Okay, bye, dad. [*going*] And by the way, Nickel's coming back from America. Don't try to look stupid.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ooh, snap.

[*Exit* **Saye**.]
[*Pen gets out his phone.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot're'ee doin'?
* **P****en**: I'm making a really special call.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ooh, 's'e pizza?
* **P****en**: Why would it be pizza?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, y'know ... probably fer me an' Cil.
* **P****en**: And I wouldn't order any pizza for me, eh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, metaphorically speakin', the pizza's only fer people 'o're supposed to be 'ere now. Check yer mobile, m8.
* **P****en**: [*he sees his phone clock*] Ah! I'm going to be late to be early!
* **P****e****nci****l**: So, y'd better go, yeah?
* **P****en**: Yeah, I'd better go!

[*He kisses her goodbye and leaves.*]

### **Outside**

**Scene**Pen gets in his car on the way to work. Going a few above the speed limit, he starts his hands-free calling.
* **P****en**: Hello, Mr. Ukulungiswa?
* **Mr.** **Ukulungiswa**: Whose parent is this?
* **P****en**: This is ~~Saye~~ Pencil C. S. Schreiber's father.
* **Mr.** **Ukulungiswa**: Ah, yes. Is there a problem?
* **P****en**: My daughter tells me that in your class you only play videos, is that true?
* **Mr.** **Ukulungiswa**: Yes, this is true. Do you, like the majority of my students' parents, have a problem with this?
* **P****en**: Not really, I think. But is it okay with you if I request a video to play for the class?
* **Mr.** **Ukulungiswa**: Of course, *kunjalo!* You know, just as long is its not inappropriate.
* **P****en**: Perfect. So the video I want you to play is— [*police sirens are heard in the background*]
* **Mr.** **Ukulungiswa**: Are you still there?
* **P****en**: Hold on, I hear the police.

[*He pulls over and sees Officer Dollar approaching.*]

* **P****en**: Hello, Officer, what seems to be the problem?
* **Canadian Dollar**: Do you know why I pulled you over?
* **P****en**: Yes, I was on the phone with a teacher who only plays videos for his students.
* **Canadian Dollar**: Actually, you were going 7 kph above the legal speed limit. I'm going to let you off with a warning.
* **P****en**: A warning?
* **Canadian Dollar**: Oh, yes. There are worse punishments available for crimes like, I don't know, illegal trespassing.
* **P****en**: Oh. Weird.
* **Canadian Dollar**: You're lucky that you got off with such a warning like this. Have a nice day, sir.
* **P****en**: Have a nice day too, ~~sir~~ ma'am! [*he drives off*] Take that, Match!
* **Canadian Dollar**: What would we do without our troops?
* **P****en**: [*driving at the regular speed limit*] Alright, hot stuff, it's 1005 hours, you can make the call.

[*He calls Saye's teacher once again.*]

### **Mr. Ukulungiswa's class**

**Scene**A different perspective this time.
* **Mr.** **Ukulungiswa**: Hello, is this the same man with whom I was speaking earlier? [*indistinguishable phone noises*] Yes, hello. So what was the name of the video you wanted our class to watch again? ... Can you please say it slower? ... Never mind, I'll write it down. Spell it out for me, please. ... And you want me to stop where? ... Sorry, please hold on, a student needs my attention.
* **M****i****n****o****la**: Yeah, I don't have my homework done right now, *and* Saye and Boat won't lend me their papers for me to ~~copy~~ look, so—
* **Mr.** **Ukulungiswa**: That's totally okay, just wait for the bell and we'll speak of this as a class. ... Yeah, I'm still here.
* **M****i****n****o****la**: You people will burn like the goat in my ancestors' old village!
* **S****a****y****e**: Why, is it so you can't copy our homework?
* **Bo****a****t**: *De honte*, Mia.
* **M****i****n****o****la**: Never mind that, I just got some good news! Mr. U's going to play a video that he didn't choose!
* **Chocolatey**: Omg, I can't wait!
* **P****op****si****cley**: If it's a reality show, I'm going to speak French for the rest of the day.
* **Bo****a****t**: *Bonne chance avec ça.*
* **P****op****si****cley**: No, I will not speak French! This class doesn't have the ... word?
* **Bo****a****t**: *Audacité.*
* **P****op****si****cley**: That thing to play a video like that!
* **S****a****y****e**: True. It seems we've always been watching some educational documentary that weirdly has absolutely nothing to do with this class!
* **P****op****si****cley**: Whatever.

[*The bell rings.*]

* **Mr.** **Ukulungiswa**: Alright, class, it is now 10:10, the time of day when they take pictures of watches for commercials.
* **Z****a****n****e**: Boring! There are more interesting things to speak about, you know.
* **Mr.** **Ukulungiswa**: Today, we will be watching a very special video. It wasn't chosen by me, but I think you all will know and love it.

[*The class cheers.*]

* **P****op****si****cley**: It's not an object show, it's not an object show …

[*The projector reveals the video, and it auto-plays itself: The Arena of Death.*]

* **P****op****si****cley**: *Merde.*

**Knife**: Ueah, it's no fun without Paper. [*noticing Marshmallow*] Marshmallow, wanna have some fun?
**Marshmallow**: You bet your marsh I do!
**Knife**: Alright, I bet my marsh that since I'm so strong, and you're so small, I can throw you way over there!
**Marshmallow**: No way! Huh? [*she gets thrown, and then screams*]
**Knife**: Wait a sec'. How do I bet a marsh?
[*Four minutes later.*]

**Me****Pho****ne** **4**: This time, I made cookies. But Lightbulb opened his fat lips, so instead, I'm giving you pencils.
[*Saye's friends around her start squealing, as is wont to do with some people upon hearing their best friend's … type … on the school projector.*]

**Me****Pho****ne** **4**: If you don't get a pencil, you will be eliminated.
**Nic****k****el**: What?
[*The Friendship Group squeal again.*]

**Nic****k****el**: No cookies this time? Pencils are stupid!
**P****e****nci****l**: [*in her BFDI/II form*] Omg, that was, like, mean! Jerk!
[*As a moment silence falls upon the projection screen, it also falls onto the classroom. Saye is figuratively put in the spotlight at this, but the line is drawn when she is punched off-screen.*]

* **Bo****a****t**: Psst … Saye, are you okay?

[*Her eyes have become black-outlined white discs. Think Butter from* Object Twoniverse *and a character from a countryball comic. It stays like that throught the day.*]

### **Lunch**

**Scene**By now, Saye's eyes have been fixed.
* **S****a****y****e**: Mia, tell your mother I said thanks for the eye fixing. Y'know, even though it didn't go well.
* **M****i****n****o****la**: Okay, but I'll say it went perfectly.
* **Chocolatey**: Popsicley, you're awfully quiet.

[*She doesn't want to speak only French for the rest of the day.*]

* **Bo****a****t**: Oh my gosh, it's Nickel.
* **M****i****n****o****la**: Got your song ready?
* **S****a****y****e**: I guess.
* **Nic****k****el**: Hey, bae! Maths class is going to be awesome. We're going to be counting coins!
* **S****a****y****e**: Nick-ji, there's something that's really important.
* **Nic****k****el**: Lay it on me, girl!

**Song**

**Vocalist(s)**: Saye

♫ *When I loved you two long months ago it was

Truly happiness and bliss around.

I believed that all I'd ever need was you

Like we had no real commonground ...

But this week you changed, you changed for sure,

And I never want to love a man that's so impure

I told you of my parents and when you all met,

You gave them rudeness, which I regret.

It's not you but me,

But really lately,

Let's question our togetherness

This I sing to thee:

You left no disguise

To my father's black eyes,

You crossèd the sentry,

And triggered his cries.

I'm so through with you,

I'm sorry, adieu

To a man who loved me

But thought otherwise.

On the site I found, I checked your name,

"Thatselnotle", was this part of your game?

Just to hate my half all because of you

But in our world love as it was a view ...

You're living a lie,

But I can't see why,

Such a stud who hates pencils

I should be for or try,

Ne'er a girl at this school

Shall e'er date such a fool,

Who thinks that a species

Is inferior at school,

So my writ song you've heard

Wait, there's one final word,

I'm giving you up so

Someone ends up your third!* ♫

[*Some people in the background clap.*]

* **Chocolatey**: What just happened?
* **S****a****y****e**: I don't know, but I feel good after singing this!
* **Bo****a****t**: Come on, let's get some Shōhakoku!
* **S****a****y****e**: Don't you hate it?
* **Bo****a****t**: Not after a good break up song!
* **S****a****y****e**: Are you kidding? That was probably one of my worst, I literally scribbled it, like, under ten seconds.

### **After school**

**Scene**The kids arrive home except for Saye.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Quick, e'eryone, inside!
* **Ja****vier**: I told Saye there's a sale at the mall.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Let's get decoratin' … hurry up!
* **Y****a****r****e****tzi**: I've got the streamers in pink, grey, orange, beige and black!
* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: I got the Nickel dartboards!
* **X****i****men****a**: Mummy, may I keep one in our room?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot'n'ale, o' course!

[*Enter* **Saye**.]

* **S****a****y****e**: What the hell?
* **Everyone**: Surprise!
* **S****io**: We heard that you broke up with that no-good, racist, son-of-a—
* **C****i****t****lali**: Police officer.
* **S****a****y****e**: Aww, thanks! I cannot believe that I am free!
* **Y****a****r****e****tzi**: What happened? Was he mean to you?
* **Z****o****rah**: Do we need to get into Creepy Mode?
* **S****a****y****e**: No, it's totally fine. I mean, like, I thought everything was bad when our history teacher played the video—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wait, video?
* **S****a****y****e**: You know about the video?
* **Ja****vier**: What, what video?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yer father called the school, more precisely, Saye's hist'ry class, an' asked if 'e could play a video before e'eryone, jus' to prove thet Nickel's an 'orrible person 'o shouldn't be datin' me Saye, oh, gi' me a hug!
* **S****a****y****e**: [*hugging Pencil*] Oh, thank goodness you're safe! I never knew you were on Inanimate Insanity!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, thet out-o'-universe objec' exchange programme worked out in the wrong direction.
* **C****i****t****lali**: Yeah, I love the part when you call Nickel a jerk for hating pencils!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, wot can I says?
* **S****a****y****e**: Wait a minute. Lallie, you've watched it … without telling me?
* **C****i****t****lali**: Of course! This object show fan just can't get enough!
* **S****a****y****e**: Why didn't you tell me?
* **C****i****t****lali**: You never asked!

[*Saye starts laughing a little bit, and then a lot. Everyone else laughs.*]

* **S****a****y****e**: Wait, oh wait, oh wait. Dad was the one who did the video stuff?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Obviously. If 'e didn' show the video in class, y'd be still datin' Nickel an' 'o knows wot could 'appen ter'ee?
* **Ja****vier**: From going crazy all the time, you would need a therapist for your therapist for your therapist for your the—

[*Enter* **Pen**.]

* **P****en**: A party for me?
* **S****a****y****e**: Apparently it is! [*she goes up to him*] Dad, what you did today made me realise that I can't have a two-sided guy like Nickel in my life. Maybe I'll just hold off from dating until, like, how old? 20? 30? 40?
* **P****en**: [*to himself*] Who's a good dad? You are, you are! All in all, I guess dads do save the day.

**THE END**
## Notes

1. ↑ **C:** *Please stop inserting the word "skirt" in the fanfics. They add nothing and only open the door to more potentially provocative edits. Thank you!*
2. ↑ In reality 1945.
3. ↑ For those who don't know, Los Angeles is known for its large amounts of street art on public display.
4. ↑ **(Zulu)** "Of course!"
5. ↑ **(Fr.)** "For shame"
6. ↑ **(Fr.)** "Good luck with that."
7. ↑ Why doesn't she still say that? It seems like it would catch on.
8. ↑ Surprisingly, the people on the episode page didn't notice this fatal error.