House of the Dead (GAM Bonus 049)

### Starring:

Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso, Clint Howard, Ona Grauer, Ellie Cornell, Jürgen Prochnow

### Production Company:

Boll KG Entertainment Mindfire Entertainment, Brightlight Pictures, Herold & Besser Studios

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

### Special Guest

Thomas Smith

***House of the Dead*** is… uh… some lights… there was movement of some kind—it's a fucking piece of shit videogame movie, but where the director took that a little too literally. It's not "Hey, go make a movie *inspired* by this videogame", he was like "Videogame-movie? Okay, sure." And so, he actually *combined* it—it's a "jump to conclusions" mat—it *is* a videogame and a movie, and it does neither well.

### **Opening Phrase:**

Where each month we sample another selection from secular cinema, because otherwise I would have every fourth Sunday off.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love the wildly popular arcade shooter *House of the Dead* (1996), *fuck you*—Uwe Boll couldn't be bothered to look past the front cover.

### **Best Worst**

* Thomas: ...tits. [In a movie based on a SEGA property.]
* Noah: ...meteorology. [It only rains on two of the characters.]
* Eli: …zombie consistency. [Everything from "slightly pale teenage girl" to "moss mummy."]

### **Notes**

* Check out Thomas on *Opening Arguments*, *Serious Inquiries Only*, and *Philosophers in Space*.
* Contrary to what Noah said, fast zombies originated with *Return of the Living Dead* (1985), not this movie.
* *House of the Dead 2* is actually substantially better than *House of the Dead*, because it wasn't directed by Uwe Boll. Boat Inspector Lady returns, sans legs!
* *House of the Dead: Scarlett Dawn*, the fifth game in the series, came out in 2018.

### **Jokes**

* [Eli: And in this scene the zombies are doggy-paddling over to the boat, which… Uwe Boll definitely wants to be scary, but *literally* nothing can doggy-paddle up to your boat menacingly. If "Jaws" has just been sort of bobbing his way up to the boat throughout *Jaws*...] [Thomas: If fucking *Suaron* was doggy-paddling , you'd be like "Alright, I'm just not scared of that anymore." It's not scary. Along those lines, this is exactly around the time when my wife declared—and this is… this *blows* my mind, I can't even explain to you now hilarious this is to me—my wife—for one, she usually doesn't watch this shit with me, but you know, I had to watch it though the kids' naptime, so... it's kind of the only time we get to hang out—so, she's kinda watching this with me and I'm just *embarrassed*. I get… I have as a person the worst second-hand embarrassment ever, like if… for some reason when I have to watch this movie, it's *my* fault if someone else is seeing it, you know, like *I* make the movie. Do you have that? Cause I have that. And anyway, at this moment—Lydia is like "Ooh, it's a zombie…? Oh my God, no, I can't watch a zombie…"—at this moment she goes "I'm not even *scared* of this." And that's like a two-year… she can't even watch *Shaun of the Dead* with me, because it's too scary for her. She is scared of fucking everything, and she gets to this point in the movie and she's like "I'm not even scared. This is so bad that it's not even scary." And I was like, "How fucking bad do you have to be as a horror movie for *my wife* to sit there and be like 'Oh sure, I'll just… yeah, I'll hang out. Whatever. Yeah, it's okay.'?"] [Noah: It's just a zombie. It's just a dead dude in makeup.] (40:18)
* [Eli; They might as well turn to him and go "Wait, weren't you bit for plot reasons earlier? Now you're bit a second time?" And he's like "Ya, sorry. They forgot about ze earlier time I guess."] [Thomas: Well, it's kind of cool—it's like one zombie bite turns you into a zombie, another zombie bite, that actually cures the first one. They cancel out.] [Noah: You gotta get bitten an *even* number of times.] [We don't even—this is a zombie movie—we do not ever (correct me if I'm wrong), I do not believe we ever get the "Oh no, I'm turning into a zombie!" part, ever.] [Noah: No!] [Thomas: You get like... oh later on, you know, MILFy blonde chick is a zombie, I guess, but like, that's it. There's never the "\*gasp\* I'm bit! Oh my God, you're going to have to shoot me!" No, that's like the one—that's a freebie for zombie movies, right? Every single one should at least have that scene.] [Noah: You would think, yeah, that's part of the canon, but yeah…] (1:12:47)

### **Interstitials**

* Literally Anything That's on Film is Fine (8:33)
* Who the Fuck are All These People? (38:49)
* Other Uwe Boll Videogame Scripts (1:10:17)
* Posthumous Boat Journal (1:18:43) [Doodly-Doo]

### **Links**

* Episode on Patreon
* Movie on YouTube
* IMDB