How Richard Fatchurd Stole Christmas Part Two: The Lesser Of Two Evils

Richard Fatchurd and Snowden sat outside the office of the High Council eagerly awaiting an audience with the High Council who insisted of the legendary characters including the Easter Bunny, Mother Nature, Cupid, Father Time, and James Sand who makes people sleep or some shit. To be honest, Mr James was very happy about his lack of powers but rest of the High Council could not give two figs. Now, when the Council learned that Fatchurd and Snowden had kidnapped Robot Santa, they wanted to have the pair killed immediately, but Snowden made a personal phone call to Mother Nature, and asked to arrange an audience with the Council in order to discuss a deal which would serve as beneficial towards both parties. Snowden and the Snowman Mafia had managed to trick the High Council into thinking that Robot Santa had packed up his bags, and gone on the run to Jupiter in order to get more stupider! Anyways, Snowden and his associates the went on to say that Richard Fatchurd helped Robot Santa escape the country by putting on his clothes. By putting on Santa's clothes, Fatchurd had agreed to the contract which states that anyone who wears Santa's suit and hat has to become the new Santa regardless of whether or not the old Santa is dead or not. For shame!

The High Council operated in chambers at the very top of Santa's Workshop. Their office space consisted of a very dimly lit room with a few scarce Christmas lights thrown about the place. Fatchurd scoffed at the lights a little as he sat his ass down on a table across from the High Council. After being presented with Snowden's deal; The Easter Bunny asked with contempt, "but how exactly are we benefiting from this deal? So what if Fatchurd here becomes the new Santa it don't mean shit to me or any of us!" Mother Nature spoke in defence of Fatchurd by yelling, "watch your tongue Easter Bunny! I'm sure that Mr Fatchurd here would make a wonderful Santa." "Well what about something for me?" Jack Frost butted in from behind the office door. Even though Jack was part of Snowden's Snowman Mafia he will wanted to muscle his way into some nice action, and he wanted to claim a holiday or a day all for himself too. Mother Nature and the others were not so nice when it came to Jack Frost, Snowden, and the rest of the Snowman Mafia. "You lot froze Michigan sending all the Riceburrow geese up to Walnut Pass without blankets!" Mother Nature cried in despair at the top of her lungs. "You guys are the enforcers and not the leading men." Cupid added as the Easter Bunny also added onto this verbal assault of the Snowman Mafia by yelling, "and you killed Fruit!"

Fruit was the name of the Easter Bunny's brother. Fruit was a very upper-class bunny compared to his older brother having attended Fordham with one of McCluskey's sons. Upon graduating from Fordham with a bachelor's degree in business studies, the young Fruit became the proud owner of the Empire Arms Hotel for a good ten years until he was frozen in ice by Snowden and Jack Frost. It was meant to be a quick harmless joke, but it wasn't as Fruit ended up freezing to death as the pair never bothered to unfreeze him. The pair claimed that Fruit had died from hyperthermia while running around outside screaming for bags of fish and chips, but the High Council had seen through his act, and though many years have since passed, Easter Bunny will often shove Easter eggs up his nostril holes as he just can't bare to live with the guilt. Can you blame him honestly? Be that as it may, Mother Nature eventually decided to let bygones be bygones, and after slamming her mighty gavel down onto the table causing it to break into a million tiny bite size pieces she gave Richard Fatchurd the greenlight to become the next Santa Clause. "Thinks are starting to get a little chilly!" Snowden remarked confidently as he then proceeded to light himself a pipe.

Back in London, General Asquith was getting get off on the wrong foot with Colonel Dodo. "Well what's going on then this time Dodo huh? Going to resurrect the dead again just because you can't do your damn accounts?" General Asquith asked Colonel Dodo who was trying with all his might to not fight back against Asquith. Truth be told, General Asquith and Colonel Dodo have never gotten on well with one another as Dodo's crazy antics which included his raising of the dead on Halloween had brought him into constant blows with Asquith and the rest of the British Military. General Asquith also for the life of him just could not sanction Dodo'[s craziness.

One time, Dodo had ran into General Asquith while indulging in a bowl of porridge at his favourite seedy pub in Uptown Manhattan. Upon noticing Asquith sitting at one of the booths, Colonel Dodo made his way up to him and attempted to offer to buy Asquith a beer. At that moment, Asquith's face became white like a ghost and lost all good humour as he rose from his chair and gave Dodo a hug he remarked, "I hate you Colonel. I really don't like you." "How so old sport?" Colonel Dodo asked curiously. "I cannot sanction of your idiocy for even a moment!" Asquith explained as he paid the waiter in full before making his leave out the front door without eve having tried a mouthful of his tomato soup. The rude carrot onion!

In order to keep the two bitter rivals from killing one another, Captain Hook came into the living room holding a massive Christmas turkey. He had placed pieces of paper on top of the turkey bones for some reason. "Well now whose for turkey?" Captain Hook inquired as he placed the cooked turkey on top of the coffee table as Fritz then came in holding a series of maps. "There's no time for this nonsense Hook!" Fritz whined as he threw the maps all around the room including some on top of RJ Mole and Pimping Sanders. "So what's the best course of action then Fritz?" Captain Hook asked as Fritz started sketching onto the maps with a pencil. "Fatchurd and Snowden have tricked the High Council into making Fatchurd the new Santa." Fritz explained. "So what does that matter? That fat fuck is perfect to play Santa. He was born to play the part you could say!" Pimping Sanders joked. "Be that as it may; Fatchurd thinks him and Snowden are the best of chums despite having only known each other for less than six hours." Fritz ate a slice of turkey from Scrooge McDuck's plate as he then continued with, "if we don't put an end to Fatchurd and Snowden's insane plot, then Christmas could very well be destroyed forever.

Suddenly at that very moment, the television screen in the living cut to show the early morning news and it showed Boris Johnson standing outside 10 Downing Street wearing a facemask, and standing beside him was an incredibly nervous policeman and BBC extra 127. "Ladies and gentlemen: I'm afraid to announce that Christmas may be cancelled." Boris then proceeded to let out an incredibly nasty series of coughs before wiping his mouth with a tissue which had Matt Hancock's snot all over it. Well someone certainly doesn't practice what they preach do they Boris? Anyways, Boris Johnson then proceeded to tell an incredibly boring speech about a certain virus rising through the cracks of an old man's mattress, but the most important part of the speech was when Johnson brought up the fact that Robot Santa had indeed been kidnapped, but he hoped and prayed that with Richard Fatchurd as the new Santa; maybe Christmas is still a sure thing. Boris Johnson informed the public to not worry about his safety as he and the rest of the Cabinet would be be safe and would be having a massive Christmas party at 10 Downing Street despite Boris previously warning that only two households could mix on the big day that is CHRISTMAS! Well, Boris you certainly are a Johnson! But that's another story.

After the news came to it's conclusion, Colonel Dodo announced that in order to take down Fatchurd he and General Asquith would have to form their own armies in order to perform an all out assault on Santa's Workshop. Once inside the Workshop, Dodo and Raison Man would grab Fatchurd and stuff him inside a Tesco carrier bag before taking him up to Hushaby Mountain until Boxing Day. "But what about the lockdown measures on the Wookie's? Surly that'll make things a tad trickier General Asquith." RJ Mole asked while sipping on a cup of hot sweet tea. General Asquith answered this question directly. Well he ought to since the question was indeed directed at him and him alone. "Maybe it won't. You seem to forget dear RJ; I am after all the Chief of the Defence Staff; my soldiers listen to me first before anyone else even the Prime Minister and the Queen have to come second in their minds." General Asquith explained. "I don't see the point of having two separate armies when we're both fighting for the exact same cause." Captain Hook said before continuing with, "I don't know why we don't just form together, and storm on Santa's Workshop!"

Colonel Dodo lit himself a pipe. "Hmm interesting." Dodo remarked. "After all Sir it would save a lot of expensive coal for the fire." Raison Man spoke up. An excellent point to make Raison Man! So excellent in fact that Captain Hook made a very smug smile at the little sugary raison for making such a point. Hook would have to jot that one down in his little blue book. "Dodo and I on the same team!? I dread to think of it!" Asquith scoffed in despair as he took off his cap in order to wipe some sweat from his brow which was actually vomit falling from the ceiling. It appears that Fatchurd had been sleep vomiting again! "You won't last a second against Fatchurd and Snowden on your own." Colonel Dodo joked. "Oh really wanna make a small bet?" General Asquith asked. "You're on!" Colonel Dodo responded as he and Asquith betted £500,000,000,000,000 for whoever was the first to capture Richard Fatchurd.

Suddenly, the walls to the Manor burst open as a mother ducking tank appeared on the scene. General W.R Monger appeared from underneath the tank as he yelled, "General Asquith! Enough of this boat political bullshit! Come with me, we have a lot of important work to do!" And so, General Asquith along with Pimping Sanders and Honey Monster made their way onto the tank with W.R Monger. "Traitorous bastards!" Colonel Dodo remarked. General Asquith waved a sarcastic goodbye as he joked, "see you on the rewind slip Dodo!" Colonel Dodo however managed to get the last laugh as the tank ended up crashing into a billboard for Rabe Maniels' patterned Welsh cakes. Product placement for the win yo! And so, for the next two hours, General Asquith and Colonel Dodo's crews went around all the cities Birkland included in order to ask for people to join the Christmas Alliance.

In the house next door to the Manor, Johnny Woollyhatson having just recreated his snowman friend attempted to get the snowman to come inside his house for a delicious hot bowl of Campbell's Soup. Yes, Johnny Woollyhatson lives right next door to Richard Fatchurd. Really expanding on the Oliver Charles/Bruno Tattagllia funnypasta universe aren't we dear reader? In any case, Woollyhatson after bringing the snowman into the kitchen, and presenting him with a bowl of hot soup the snowman simply responded by having it's head fall off into the soup. "Why does this keep happening!?" Woollyhatson cried in despair as he sank to the kitchen floor in despair. That's when all of the sudden Woollyhatson heard a knock occur on his front door, and he went to go and see who it was. To his upmost surprise and joy, it was none other than Leonard The Spider and Captain Hook.

Leonard The Spider had been given this Christmas off by Uncle Ian for unknown reasons. Well it was mainly due to the fact that Ian was on the cusp of having to go to court with the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham for his piss poor treatment of Leonard and Sea Mo. Uncle Ian had started getting Leonard to smoke dope as Ian was an old friend of the Empire Bay Triads who helped supply him with bags upon bags of goodies. The Knights caught wind of this development through their contact who was a mouse with a severe nose injury. Oh yeah it's all coming together! Leonard proceeded to pull a microphone out from his hairy spider ass and he also dawned a pair of shades. He then began singing with, "let me tell you a story about a little mouse. She lives right here in this house!" "Bitch where!?" Woollyhatson cried in fear as he pulled out a large double barrel shotgun. He was a serious musophobe and as such was very keen on testing his recently bought handy dandy shotgun on the little buggers. He had been having a lot of problems with rat lately, and there was so fucking many of them partying it up in Johnny's attic that he often found hard to get to sleep at night. Captain Hook responded by grabbing Woollyhatson by his shirt collar as he yelled angrily, "oh get a hold of yourself Woollyhatson. We need your help." After learning about the whole Christmas plot having been given the screenplay and transcript for part one; Woollyhatson immediately agreed to join Colonel Dodo's cause much to the delight of Captain Hook and Leonard The Spider.

Down on the docks, Ishmael and Queequeg had just left an incredibly seedy English bar, and were feeling rather sick from a bad plate of fish and chips. "On the boat we go now." Queequeg said as he and Ishmael started making their way towards the mighty Pequod. On board the Pequod, Captain Ahab was going on and going about the dangerous Moby Dick. "The spray from his sprout can reach the sky! Moby Dick oh Moby Dick he's gonna catch you and it's gonna be quick!" Ahab sang as the rest of the crew including Queequeg and Ishmael groaned into their feet. Pitter patter pitter patter! Suddenly, Colonel Dodo appeared on the Pequod in order to gain an alliance with Ahab. Dodo hoped that the lure of treasure would be enough to convince Ahab to join his side, but it wasn't nearly enough. "You say your friend has taken control of the North Pole? What kind of madness is this?" Ahab asked as he had Colonel Dodo thrown off the boat by his first mate Starbuck.

Captain Ahab then decided that he too wanted in on the battle to end all Christmas battles. He ordered Starbuck to set sail for the North Pole. "I smell him he's around here somewhere." Ahab said as he started sniffing the air with his stupid hook nose as the Pequod began it's sail across the sea towards the North Pole. They'll probably be sailing for quite awhile considering the fact that North Pole was like 9000 miles away, but whatever don't judge. Digital style! Anyways, Captain Ahab then ordered Ishmael to climb into the crow's nest as he hoped to find Moby Dick while on the way to the North Pole. "I climb Captain." Queequeg offered whilst stepping in front of Ishmael. "Not this time!" Ahab warned whilst pointing his old man finger at Queequeg. Yes you see; Ahab's obsession with conquering Fatchurd and the whale was second only to his obsession of having people like Ishmael and Grumpy Bear climb into the crow's nest. Sadly, Ishmael ended up failing miserably, and fell into the rather disgusting looking merky green ocean. "Oh buggering buggerton!" Ahab groaned while facepalming himself. No one bothered to do anything to save Ishmael, because semantics I guess. Yeah that makes sense. Captain Ahab then decided to entertain the crew for the remainder of the voyage by singing yet another song all about Moby Dick. "Moby Dick oh Moby Dick how squishy is your semen?" Ahab sang.

Meanwhile still, Moro was busy mopping the floors of Tesco when he noticed that Mr Krabs had stolen a shopping cart and was riding around the store in a mad rush. Ever since Boris Johnson announced the new lockdown restrictions it had made matters a tad more complicated for Moro as people had started buying stuff in bulk. People had even started buying stuff that nobody likes eel feels which are a really rotten chewy sweet made in N Gin's Temple, and they look like gummy eels but they taste like dusty pound coins. People even started buying fancy electrical recliners. Moro never thought he'd see the day when those damn recliners would sell like shells. In the mist of all this panic buying, Moro was approached by General R. Asquith and General W.R Monger. They had crashed through the walls of Tesco in their tank from earlier. "What on Earth are you doing here General Asquith?" Moro asked in an annoyed tone. If Mr Parks found out about this, Moro would be hung from the ceiling by New Years Eve. "As it much as it pains us to have to say it; we need your help son." General W.R Monger said before continuing with, "you see; this fat fuck named Richard Fatchurd and his serial killer snowman friend are planning to destroy Christmas, and we...." General Monger was cut off as Moro proclaimed, "I'm coming home!" "What?" General W.R Monger asked, but Moro had already disappeared into the employee's changing rooms in order to grab his stuff.

Moro returned from the changing room wearing a bulletproof vest, and carrying a special gun which looked like a Haribo Rat, but it had lots of solid gold bullets laced inside of it. The two generals went on to ask Moro about why he needed such a thing, but Moro assured the pair that when the time came he'd be ready. At that very moment, as Moro started climbing his way onto the tank, an incredibly angry Mr Parks appeared on the scene. Mr Parks was indeed very angry on this fine Christmas Eve mostly due to the fact that his PA Lickboot was off social distancing at his client's house. The client was an incredibly fat bastard, and she often insulted Mr Parks for his love of apples. Lickboot never bothered to do anything to stop her harsh words as she was paying him in buckets of cash to keep his mouth shut. Ole Lickboot could never no to a good old fashioned bribe ya know? Mr Parks pulled an apple out from his suit pocket as he asked, "you think you can just fucking do something like this and walk away!? You're fucked!" General Asquith, W.R Monger, and Moro were then forced by Mr Parks to scrub the floors which for some reason was enough to make ole Parks forget about the wall which had destroyed by the tank earlier. Mopping the floor would have been easy had it not been for Honey Monster trashing the cereal aisle. He accidentally caused all the boxes of Sugar Puffs to topple onto the floor as he held his head in despair while crying, "oh no!" I guess you could say it was sleepless in Tesco. But what was Stich doing with that frog?

Colonel Dodo despite protests from Captain Hook and Slimy Sausage was able to convince Sam Bramsberry to join his alliance. Sam cemented his deal with Dodo by dressing up as an 1920's farmer with a fake moustache. Bramsberry removed the fake moustache from his face as he proclaimed, "I'll infiltrate this so called The Snowman Mafia by going deep incognito." Bramsberry explained as he then proceeded to light himself and Colonel Dodo a pipe. "Oh by Joe me lad I think we've cracked the case!" Colonel Dodo proclaimed happily whilst taking a huge puff from his pipe. Colonel Dodo then went on to ask Sir Clooney to join his alliance. Sir Clooney had only just gotten back to Granit Pass after traveling far and wide for yet another cup of Espresso to give to Queen Marzipan. No, initially when asked to join the alliance, Sir Clooney responded with, "no fucking way." However, once Dodo informed Clooney that the fate of Christmas is in danger, Clooney responded by staring at the wall for a brief moment before proclaiming, "lead the way Dodo!"

After cleaning up Tesco, Dallas Coleman and incredibly rude news reporter Gareth Eggplant were approached by General Asquith. Dallas Coleman was in the middle of doing the weather update completely ignoring the fact that the news anchor's hair was on hair, and he was bleeding profusely onto the table indicating that he likely slit his jugular with a razor while attempting to save time by shaving while driving. Must have been Rusty's Razor! Okay so anyway, Coleman was asked to help but he responded by rubbing the back of his head nervously while pulling an incredibly sly smile as he said, "I can't touch him. I'm not really qualified." Dallas Coleman then went on to smile an incredibly smug smile, the kind of smug smile that only a Dallas Coleman would be able to pull off effectively. Now surprisingly, Dallas Coleman though not being qualified for such an alliance was actually pretty easy to convince to join Asquith's side. Incredibly rude news reporter Gareth Eggplant on the other hand or the other egg I should say was a little harder to convince. Only joking he was rather easy to convince to join Asquith's side. "I would follow you anyway General!" Gareth Eggplant proclaimed. He was such a rude bastard that Eggplant!

Anyways, for the next six hours, Colonel Dodo and General Asquith went around London asking people to join their armies. Dodo had loads of powerful people in his alliance including former first mate Henry Albatross, Henry Tomasino, Sir Clooney, Richard Bagg, Bob, Gordy, Bobbie, Slimy Sausage, Sam and Max, Superintendent Chalmers, Sam Bramsberry, among various others. However, Colonel Dodo had some very stiff competition as General Asquith's army contained the likes of The Cricket On The Hearth, Governor Tackleton, Piggle, Randolph Gridler, Pimping Sanders, Moro, Edgar Balthazar, Dallas Coleman, and incredibly rude news reporter Gareth Eggplant. Once all the armies were complete, the two armies spent an hour making some battle plans and a whole lot of charts. It was time to take on the North Pole.

Back in the North Pole, Richard Fatchurd was chilling at his desk attempting to eat a stapler. Though he was very proud of himself for having kidnapped Robot Santa Clause, he still felt this weird twinge of guilt in his stomach that he had never felt before. However, Fatchurd put this down to some indigestion from a fragment of underdone potato which he had in the canteen a few hours ago. At that moment, Snowden came into the office accompanied by Stormella and Leon The Snowman. "It's time to earn your crust Rich!" Snowden proclaimed as he pulled up some seats for himself and his associates. "What are you talking about? We kidnapped Santa, and now we control the North Pole. That should be it right?" Fatchurd asked confused. "It should be." Stormella said before continuing with, "but in order for us to fully destroy Christmas once and for all we need to kill the one person in this place who could put a stop to us." "And who might be?" Fatchurd asked as Snowden responded with, "the evil smelly and over all lord of Yuck. The dangerous Charlatan."

According to Snowden, The Charlatan whose real name was Benjamin Greenton was the boss of a yuck factory based in the North Pole. Yuck served as the North Pole's equivalent to oil. The Charlatan was incredibly powerful, but he had looked so much like the Joker that other companies refused to do business with him. This meant that the Charlatan was never able to expand his business outside the North Pole, and though he was very intelligent and controlled his own fleet of reindeer and special forces who helped promote his yuck onto the citizens of the North Pole. Stormella then went on to explain that the Charlatan was a dictator who would seize control of the Christmas holidays once he learns that Robot Santa is out of commission. He was such a tyrant in fact that he forced Santa to give one elf from every household to work in his yuck factory. The Charlatan was also a mice lover, and owned his own pet mouse which was looked fricking disgusting. It had no fur and it was pink like a sink, and it was scaly and bony which brought the Charlatan great joy as he stroked the demon creature with his fingernails which were as sharp as knives. That Charlatan and the Mole People should really hang out shouldn't they dear reader?

Rising from his chair which overlooked the entire workshop as Santa's office was located on the very floor of the building, Richard Fatchurd asked, "but how do we go about killing this so called Charlatan?" "We go up to the yuck factory, and torch his ass of course!" Snowden explained a little too happily for my tastes, but whatever I'll roll with it! "Fatchurd you and I shall take on the Charlatan while Stormella and Leon here run things in our absence. Meanwhile, I've got Jack and Sam on lookout. They'll inform me immediately if something goes wrong." Snowden explained. Richard Fatchurd was a tad troubled. He hadn't expected all this nonsense when he kidnapped Santa. He was led to believe by Snowden that by kidnapping Santa he would have full control of the North Pole and that would be the end of it. Something just wasn't adding up! "Well I guess if ain't no other way..." Fatchurd was cut off as Snowden said, "there isn't. Every minute we wait is another minute we give to the Charlatan." And so, after packing themselves a loaf of bread and an apple for some reason, Richard Fatchurd and Snowden began making their way towards the yuck factory which was located on the very outskirts of the North Pole.

Meanwhile once again, General Asquith arrived in the North Pole a tad earlier than expected. He took off his cap and wiped the sweat from his brow as he said; "well here we are." Asquith and his crew then began setting up camp in the North Pole, and they managed to set their camp up just across the lane from Santa's Workshop. However, General Asquith's happiness was soon cut short as Colonel Dodo arrived on the scene in his boat with his crew. "Ah Dodo glad you could make it." General W.R Monger greeted in a sarcastic tone which was indeed so sarcastic that it made Colonel Dodo blink twice. "So what's the big plan then Asquithy?" Colonel Dodo asked before continuing with, "you going to hunt an elephant?" At that moment, General W.R Monger reached inside his pockets, and pulled out a fricking hand cannon. When asked about the weapon, W.R Monger explained that the gun was going to be used to kill Richard Fatchurd and Snowden. "Kill him isn't that a tad extreme?" Sir Topham Hatt asked who was busy doing coke with the driver and fireman. The Fat Controller was intended to have a bigger role in this story, but following a public dispute over how much weight he had to gain for the role he declined being featured in anymore scenes. Had Topham Hatt agreed to take part in the rest of the pasta; he and Thomas would have been heavily involved in running the Corleone charities as part of a pre-existing debt to The Snowman Mafia.

So, General Asquith and Colonel Dodo divided up the North Pole into two sectors; one for each army. Asquith's army was clearly the more powerful having much more powerful weapons and machinery. While Colonel Dodo's army was fairly weak in comparison, however in Dodo's favour was his army's higher intelligence levels compared to that of General Asquith. His army was going to give Richard Fatchurd a false sense of security before ambushing the workshop. This would allow for Fatchurd to be taken by surprise while Asquith and W.R Monger planned on attacking the workshop right then and there. If Asquith's assault scheme was to fail, he would make a urgent distress call to Colonel Hathi. Colonel Hathi would respond to Asquith's call by parading through the North Pole with his band of elephants completely destroying the entire area in the process. Soldiers on both sides of the fence were conflicted with their masters' grand plan. Captain Hook was troubled with Colonel Dodo's plan as was Fritz. "Why don't we wait and see a few days more there may be something there that wasn't there before." Captain Hook pleaded, but Colonel Dodo was having none of that I tell you! Johnny Woollyhatson was also troubled with Dodo's scheme, and attempted to make a run for it but he was prevented from being able to get very far after Leonard The Spider tangled him in a web.

The incredibly quiet Bob made his way over to a quieter part of the camp, and started smoking from a cigarette when he noticed Sam Bramsberry who was now dressed up as my local bishop. According to Bramsberry; he was going to disguise himself as a bishop in order to infiltrate the Elf choir which is a choir of elves which performs hymns for Robot Santa every Christmas. "I'm going deep incognito. I'm going to catch the suspects you got it?" Bramsberry asked. Bob went to go say something, but Bramsberry cut him off by asking, "hey aren't you the guy who resurrected the dead on Halloween?" Bob went to go and say something again, but of course Bramsberry cut him off by going on a long rant about how stupid Bob was for believing his story of pretending to be a bishop. In reality, Bramsberry planned on uniting Colonel Dodo and General Asquith by teaching them a lesson about friendship and Shrek. Truly a lesson we all need to learn. Bramsberry then asked Bob if he would like to help him with uniting the two rivals, and Bob responded by nodding his head violently like a chicken. He would have responded with a song which he had spend the last six months working on, but he knew that any attempt at a musical number was sure to be met with failure. Bob had indeed become a different man ever since the Halloween zombie fiasco, and he now had much more confidence but was still severely undermined in life by corrupt sons of Magra like Colonel Dodo and Sam Bramsberry. He was just a little too respectful.

So while Bob and Bramsberry working on settling the dispute between the two apposing armies, General Asquith in an attempt to gain the upper-hand in the conflict with Dodo decided to send Harris to infiltrate Santa's Workshop. Harris managed to gain entry to the Workshop by making up a bullshit sob story for Stormella who claimed to be so moved by the story that she offered to take Harris on as her new enforcer. However this ended up being a trap as Stormella had seen through Harris' ruse immediately, and she caused a huge pit of spiders to appear on Harris' suit as he cried, "get them off of me get them off!" Harris made a break out the front door of the Workshop whilst violently attempting to brush all the spiders off from his suit. However, Harris was made even more terrified when he came face to face Leonard The Spider who just so happened to be sitting on a garbage can reading from the local newspaper. "Well howdy do!" Leonard greeted which caused Harris to scream and scream and scream some more. Harris attempted by skating across the Pole which ended terribly for him as he ended up falling through a crack in the ice. Poor old Harris!

Meanwhile yet again, Richard Fatchurd and Snowden reached a large lake at the very edge of the North Pole. Snowden claimed to Fatchurd that this was the end of Santa's domain, and that the rest of the land was under the rule of the Charlatan. This was when Fatchurd made the stupid mistake of mentioning to Snowden that he was feeling guilt for having kidnapped Santa, and placing his workshop under the control of the Snowman Mafia. However, Snowden was not so fore coming and he rudely demanded that Fatchurd think of a way to cross the lake. There was no bridge you see. There used to be back in the old days, but it was very rickety and had loads of splinters coming out from it which made walking across it a real challenge. It was made even worse by the fact that there are loads of dangerous animals under the lake including great white sharks, box jellyfish, stonefish, and even a bear. "I'm just one guy with an incredibly fat gullet how I can help?" Richard Fatchurd asked. "If you stopped feeling sorry for yourself; for a minute you'd figure out exactly what to do!" Snowden proclaimed while rudely pointing his snowman finger at Fatchurd's fat face. Did he really just say that? He truly was an evil bastard that Snowden, but Fatchurd could not see through him as you and I could. "Well if ice cubes float then maybe just maybe you'll float too." Fatchurd suggested.

Despite issuing Fatchurd the task of coming up with an idea to cross the lake, Snowden hated Fatchurd's idea so much that he of course felt that he needed to take some time out of his day to make fun of it. "Brilliant idea I think not!" Snowden laughed. Fatchurd responded to Snowden's insults by attempting to kill him by pushing him into the lake. However, Snowden's body was indeed able to float above the water, and Fatchurd used the snowman as a life raft in order to cross into the other side of the North Pole. Things were certainly about to get toasty. More toasty than Sonic The Hedgehog branded toast. Oh yeah I went there!

The outskirts of the North Pole were cold and damp. There was also yuck all over the place due to a recent yuck spill. The Charlatan's yuck factory was located on the very highest mountain which had a massive window which overlooked the entire North Pole. Snowden puffed on his cigar as he tried his best to get Richard Fatchurd to pick up the pace. "Hey I'm not as fit as I used to be ya know?" Fatchurd joked as his face turned red and he began coughing and wheezing. "Oh come on buddy how slow can one guy possibly be?" Snowden mocked jokingly however Fatchurd didn't see it that way. No Sire he absolutely positively did not! Anyways, Fatchurd then proceeded to go off on Snowden, and said that the snowman would get nowhere with his masterplan if he left Fatchurd to rot on the hill. "It's fine by me to leave you here!" Snowden proclaimed a little too happily for my tastes, but whatever I'll digress! Fatchurd responded to this by attempting to attack Snowden with his humongous belly, but to his horror Snowden had already disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Snowden had indeed left the poor defenceless and incredibly fat Richard Fatchurd to die on the mountain. Richard Fatchurd attempted to brave the cold, and began making his way up the mountain. However, the cold wind and snow eventually became too much for the fat man, and he passed out from the bitter cold.

Upon waking up, Richard Fatchurd found himself in his old childhood home. He looked around the living room and saw his younger self watching a really dodgy looking Russian animated movie on the television. It featured a weasel kidnapping a rabbit who was son of the baron of Russia. I tell you this because Fatchurd's father Earl never bothered to buy the young Fatchurd any actual good animated films therefore meaning that Fatchurd has never seen a Disney or Pixar movie ever. Though he's certainly seen plenty of DreamWorks movies I'll tell you that much my bucko! Now, Fatchurd's father Earl worked in a slaughterhouse, and received a great deal of respect among the locals in particular his part-time lover Arthur Lloyd. Half the street believed that Lloyd's wife was getting it on with Earl, but I know the truth because I talked to a few people I trust.

Earl Fatchurd was a horrid man who while no way near as fat as his son was the cruller man despite his jokey nature. He often pilled a great deal of pressure on top of his son's shoulders. As a result of his father's frequent belittlements, Richard Fatchurd grew up very sheltered and quiet having never really had any friends. He was forced by his father to join the football team, but it didn't last very long as Fatchurd was kicked off the team after breaking his coach's leg with his fat ass. Earl Fatchurd was a very tight fisted man, and he often stole collection money from various charitable organizations. He used the money made from these petty robberies to manipulate his way for a promotion. In truth, a lot of Richard Fatchurd's negative traits came from his father, and watching that really horrible Russian animated movie from 1951 only served to make Fatchurd realise more than ever about how horrible his father really was. I mean that movie legit has a scene where a racially stereotypical German chef named Moe cuts a duck's head off, and sticks it in his nose. According to Earl in an interview on This Morning in 1991, he was using the film to teach his son to become more mature. How wrong he was in doing so! Richard Fatchurd sighed as he saw his younger self sitting on an old wooden deck chair down on the harbour.

The younger Fatchurd was quite slim well at least compared to how he is now, and was smoking from a pipe. Current Fatchurd recognised the scene immediately. It was the day he met Neddie. I shall not give out the exact year for fear of getting sued, but trust me when I say it was indeed a very long time ago. Longer than I ever could have imagined. Around these times, Fatchurd was working on the shipyards in order to save up some money to buy a house of his own as he was currently renting an apartment with a family of Russian penguins. Neddie meanwhile was working as a waiter in a cocktail bar. That much is true. However, Neddie was an incredibly different person back then as he had big dreams to make things happen. He was also much more fearsome looking back then as he also worked for the bar as a debt collector, and he was sent to beat people who refused to pay their tabs. On one such afternoon, Neddie confronted Richard Fatchurd on the dock of the bay for not paying the correct amount of clams. "You got a lot of balls ya know that kid?" Fatchurd joked as he got from his wooden deck chair. Neddie tried his best to beat up Fatchurd, but he was far too strong for the young man so nothing ever came out from it. The pair decided to resolve their conflict by taking a walk along the harbour. At first, their conversation was rather one note, but soon they just couldn't stop, Richard Fatchurd told Neddie all about his dreams of buying a house big enough to block the Sun, while Neddie told Fatchurd all about his plans to open up his own chewit factory. Neddie was very different back then for this exchange took place long before he had developed his love of Rarity.

However, Fatchurd's dreams of living a respectable career as a shipyard worker ended up falling flat as his incompetence caused a yacht to crash into the lighthouse. Fatchurd was meant to be directing the yacht to safety due to the official navigator being very sick with a bad tummy ache. However, Fatchurd failed in correctly navigating the yacht which caused it to crash into the side of the lighthouse creating a huge fucking mess in the process. In a reaction to this lynching, Fatchurd relegated himself to the fact that he may have to stay living in that cramped apartment for the rest of his life. However, that's when Neddie offered Fatchurd a room at his house. "You really mean that?" Fatchurd asked like some kind of Maurice as Neddie responded with, "WRECK IT RALPH!" Even as a young man even before earning his addiction to chewits, Neddie was still very much an insane little garden gnome. Neddie lived on a small residential suburb in Bristol, and upon eyeing the house Fatchurd realised that he wanted it all to himself. Neddie lived in a massive house well it was more like a mansion, and it even had a swimming pool inside a swimming pool as well as an old windmill which you may have seen in an Argos catalogue from 1949, but don't believe it! Capitalizing on Neddie's chewit addiction, Fatchurd used some money he stole from Mikhail Faustin to buy the house and renamed it Fatchurd Manor after himself. Initially, Fatchurd was very grateful to Neddie for allowing him to buy his house from him, but as the years passed Fatchurd gradually lost that softer side to his personality as did Neddie.

It was in August 2010 that Fatchurd met Fritz who at the time was homeless and content to be so. He was living in a box a cardboard box to be exact. Fritz had a brief stint working as a street sweeper until he ran afoul of Don Ennio Salieri after he stole some diamonds from Salieri's warehouse down on Mohawk Avenue. Rather than simply request a sit down with Fritz, Salieri ordered a hit on him, and his crew performed an arson attack on Fritz's home causing him to go on the run. No place would hire him due to his reputation as one of Salieri's enemies, so he spent the next two years living on the streets of Bristol until he was approached by Richard Fatchurd. Impressed with the man's British accent, Fatchurd decided to take Fritz under his wing as his butler. Back then, Fatchurd was very nice and always tipped Fritz a great deal of dosh. He was indeed very respectful back then, and he allowed Fritz to live in his house free of charge. Fritz never overused Fatchurd's generosity, and became a vital asset to the fat man in the years to come having been personally issued the task of assassinating Neddie when he turned out to be a spy for a certain bald man whose name rhymes with Gabe Daniels. Wink.

After witnessing all these flashbacks, Richard Fatchurd found himself inside a large and expansive courtroom. The courtroom was eerily quiet, and Fatchurd demanded to know what was going on. "What is happening? Why all the unnecessary flashbacks? What does any of this have to do with Christmas and Valentines daisies?" Fatchurd demanded when all of the sudden the doors to the courtroom swung open as five transparent figures entered the room. They were ghosts! Not just any ghosts either for they were the ghosts of fallen funnypasta characters perhaps you've seen them in your dreams. They were the ghosts of Luca Brasi, Peck Fex, MT Bar, Omar Suarez, and of course Neddie. "We are very angry with you chico." Omar Suarez said to Fatchurd as he began smoking from a ghostly cigarette. Neddie made his way up to the stand announcing himself as the judge while the other four ghosts became members of the jury. It was at this precise moment that Richard Fatchurd knew he was in big trouble.

The five ghosts started off the court hearing by telling Richard Fatchurd that he was incredibly fat. Fatchurd found this to be incredibly offensive, but was cut off when Peck Fex said, "you're quite a stupid man Richard." "Oh really how so?" Fatchurd inquired. "I'm sorry what did you say?" Neddie asked who was busy having a phone call with Rarity. It had been a very long time since Fatchurd had last seen Neddie having a phone call with Rarity. "You must know something son." Luca Brasi began as he then continued with, "you are being played for a fool by Snowden and his forces." "It is true." MT Bar added as he said, "that snowman bastard is playing you for a fool. The Charlatan is not the enemy you seek to destroy." According to Omar Suarez, the Charlatan's real name was Benjamin Greenton which Snowden had neglected to mention in his story.

Benjamin Greenton though he looked like a mix between ET and the Crypt Keeper was actually the most generous person in the whole North Pole. He was incredibly charitable, and donated loads of his money to the Portly Gentlemen. He was very polite, and had a very good relationship with Robot Santa having helped Santa with establishing better control over his reindeer and elves. Greenton also loved elves, and on Christmas day he always made sure to visit the elf hospital in order to deliver toys and fresh baked cookies to all the elves that were occupied there. Snowden wanted to kill Benjamin as he was the only person who could put an end to The Snowman Mafia. Also in stark contrast to Snowden's story, Benjamin loved his pet rat, and named him after a street corner in Springfield and not after his cat scales as Fatchurd had previously been led to believe. He also cared a great deal about animals, and had been a proud investor in MT's Sanctuary for years until it was torn apart by a Jammy Dodger addicted bus driver. "If Snowden is able to kill Benjamin there will no be way to stop him from taking over the world." Omar explained. Still, Fatchurd refused to believe it which caused the five ghosts to sigh heavily as they began showing Fatchurd a small clip show of what the future will hold should Snowden succeed in killing Benjamin.

The future was very bleak. Snowden and his forces would force the entire world into a dictatorship. Snowden would become the President of the World, and order senseless raids upon the mores, and with the help of Stormella would turn everyone in the world into snowmen. Really creepy looking snowman too mind you. The fates of various people were also summarised. Colonel Dodo was shot to death outside a barn in 2023 by Snowden and his crew, Sam and Max were forced to join the corrupt police force which Snowden had established with his tyranny. They were forced to ban really stupid things like dancing and singing in the street after dark. Something which would make John Claude very happy I'm sure! Meanwhile, General Asquith and W.R Monger would be converted into skin suits by Jack Frost and Leon The Snowman allowing for the Snowman Mafia to take control of the military. None of the other characters fared much better as Johnny Woollyhatson and Governor Tackleton both passed away from tuberculous due to Snowden releasing an incredibly dangerous greenish smog into the air which only served to create a great deal of confusion and delay. A lot of money in that green smog there certainly was not!

Richard Fatchurd's audience with the ghosts was cut short after the courtroom was bust into by the Ghostbusters who proceeded to suck up the ghosts with their machines. "WRECK IT RALPH!" Neddie yelled at the very top of his lungs as he too was sucked up. MT Bar didn't really seem to care about the whole ordeal, as he attempted to entertain the Ghostbusters by dancing and singing with, "yo what's up besides the Sun?" "Well that was certainly a weird way to say I do!" Peter Venkman joked in a sarcastic inflection. Upon noticing Fatchurd, the Ghostbusters offered to give Fatchurd a lift to the yuck factory, and Fatchurd agreed happily. Apparently according to Egon, the Ghostbusters had spotted an unconscious Fatchurd getting carried up the mountains by a group of ghosts. 'So it not had been a dream after all.' Fatchurd thought to himself. So the Ghostbusters gave Fatchurd a lift in the Ecto-1, and dropped him off right outside the yuck factory. Things were about to get chilly!

Elsewhere, Colonel Dodo had managed to arrange a sit down with Stormella and Leon The Snowman at the backroom of Santa's Workshop. For the past two hours, Dodo and his forces had been hard at work to battle the tactics of General Asquith and his forces. Sam and Max had been sent to learn more about the elves, and discover that maybe Robot Santa wasn't so good after all as he refused to provide any dental plans for the elves. The elf who informed Sam and Max about this was also angry about the fact he was passed over for a promotion at his old shipping job back in New Hampshire, and instead his corrupt bosses sent him to the North Pole considering it to be a baron ruin. Little did they know that the North Pole would become the place of the 21st century not New Hampshire. After learning about this, Sam proclaimed, "jumping jellyfish on a cricket style burrito Max we've got to tell someone about this!"

To make a long story short, Colonel Dodo's attempt at negotiations with Stormella and Leon didn't go over very well as the pair accused Dodo of conspiring against their alliance. They also let it slip that Snowden may have sent Fatchurd on a suicide mission. However, Colonel Dodo being a very stubborn dodo wanted more information out of the Snowman Mafia so he decided to send a mole into Asquith's army in the form of Bob. Dodo believed that Asquith was a traitor, and was secretly working with the Snowman Mafia in an attempt to create a holiday called Asquith Day. He wanted Bob to find proof about it. Bob and Sam Bramsberry had not gotten very far with their plans to unite the two armies, and instead decided to team up on infiltrating the forces of General Asquith. To do this, the pair complained openly in Asquith's campout about being unhappy and held down in Dodo's organization, and how their worth was not recognised. They were eventually pulled aside by Bobbie who despite initially joining up with Colonel Dodo eventually decided to betray Dodo's trust by aligning herself with General Asquith instead. Bobbie was furious with her husband's antics as she started speaking with, "you just couldn't resist following the orders of that damn dodo could you Bob ay? You're just a fucking pawn Bob when you gonna realise that?" Bobbie coughed some cough drops into her sleeve as she then continued with, "you think I give a shit about Colonel Dodo, and those tired fucks on his team. They're using you Bob just like Humpty Dumpty used you, just like I used you, and just like that rat fuck Herbert Chapman used you. You were best friends with that piece of shit, and he turned his back on you just like me."

To Bob and Bramsberry's horror, Bobbie explained to the pair that she was not loyal to anyone and that she was secretly in deep with the Snowman Mafia. She had been paid $50,000 to inform the Snowman Mafia all about the two armies and their plans which was the real reason why she had jumped ship to Asquith's side so quickly. She also told the Mafia all about Bob's vinyl collection for some reason, and this caused Bob to lash out by yelling, "you bitch!" Bob and Bobbie then started fighting while Bramsberry run down the road crying like a little bitch. Bob's vinyl collection was a trade secret, and he did not want anyone to find about it. Bob had loads of really embarrassing vinyl CD's from the likes of Maccer And The Bulldogs and The S'Gones. Get it? It's like scones but they're gone. How creative! Thankfully, the pair eventually stopped their fighting and decided to take a walk along the lake in order to talk out their problems. It was finally time for Bob to earn his stripes or something I guess I dunno.

Making his way inside the yuck factory; Richard Fatchurd found Snowden just chilling on the cliffside outside the factory smoking from his pipe as he said, "hey Rich long time no see." Before Fatchurd could get a chance to call out Snowden on his dishonesty, the snowman had already made his way inside the yuck factory where he got into an argument with Benjamin Greenton. Greenton was attempting to show Snowden his collection of 1930's car models, but Snowden was not interested in that in the slightest I tell ya! "A little out of your element aren't you snowman?" Benjamin Greenton asked with genuine concern. He and Snowden became involved in a violent fist fight. Fatchurd attempted to kill Snowden, by lighting him on fire, but he accidentally ended up tripping on an conveniently placed wire causing him to throw the lighter at Benjamin's face catching him on fire. Indeed, the lovely Benjamin screamed in pain as he slowly burned to death. At that precise moment, Sam The Snowman and Jack Frost came in holding fire extinguishers, and used the extinguishers to get rid of the fire before it melted Snowden to death.

Snowden (who managed to avoid melting by focusing on his toe), then revealed to Fatchurd that the ghosts' warnings about him being the real evil were indeed true. "You really should have checked behind your back every one and awhile Rich." Snowden remarked in a mocking tone as Jack Frost and Sam made a catapult appear magically in the doorway of the yuck factory. Fatchurd managed to kill at least six of Snowden's snowmen, but eventually got thrown into the catapult by Jack Frost who laughed menacingly as Fatchurd was catapulted all the way back to Santa's Workshop. Snowden turned to face Sam and said, "Sam summon the rest of the Mafia it's time we finish with this insane planet for good." "What about Fatchurd?" Sam asked to which Snowden responded with, "he's out lived his usefulness. That fat fuck will end up buried at the bottom of the lake before the day is through." Snowden then continued with, "with the Charlatan dead, we have control of the North Pole it's time to start expanding our operations!"

Crash landing outside Santa's Workshop, Fatchurd attempted to get up only to get tackled to the ground by Johnny Woollyhatson and W.R Monger. "We got the son of a bitch Asquith we got him!" Suddenly, the Workshop's announcement TV came on with Snowden addressing the entire Pole. Robot Santa used that damn announcement TV to announce things obviously! These things included the banning of raw cookie dough and the banning of slugs consuming stamps. It's a real problem look it up! Snowden explained that the entire North Pole now belonged to the Snowman Mafia, and that he and his forces were going to take on the world. The world was going to be theirs soon enough. The announcement was cut short after Queequeg threw a spear at the screen. W.R Monger and Woollyhatson got off from Fatchurd as they turned around to see that Captain Ahab and the Pequod had finally arrived in the North Pole to help with the battle against Snowden. The fight to end all fights was only just beginning, and it was perhaps finally time for Richard Fatchurd to earn his redemption.