Pete's Dragon - Musical Hell Review 60

**Diva:** \*sighs\* ...All right, bailiff, let's do this.

**Bailiff:** \*high-pitched muttering\*

**Diva:** Fine, I'm... fine! Sweet Lucifer, would you quit asking me that?! She just... gets under my skin sometimes, you know that. Look, can we... not talk about this right now? I've got a job to do. What's next on the case list?

**Bailiff:** \*high-pitched muttering that sounds like, "Um... 'Pete's Dragon'."\*

**Diva:** Ah, "Pete's Dragon"!

*Cut to a movie poster for the 1977 Disney film, "Pete's Dragon".*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* I remember that! It's the movie with... um... Pete, and his... uh, dragon? And I suppose there's songs in it? I mean, that's why we're doing this, right?

*Cut to actual footage from the film.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Yeah, this isn't the most memorable of Disney properties. I know I've seen it, but I can't tell you all that much about it.

*Cut to the music video for "Something Wild" performed by Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness and Lindsey Stirling, which was featured in the 2016 remake.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* The only reason I even remember there was a remake is because Lindsey Stirling did an awesome song for it. This, despite the fact that the cast list is a cavalcade of 1970s B-list talent: Helen Reddy, Mickey Rooney, Red Buttons, Shelley Winters, Jim Backus, Charlie Callas doing the voice of the title character, and for you "Mystery Science Theater 3000" fans in the audience, Robert Easton.

*Cut to a clip of Robert Easton as Mr. Keitel in "Mystery Science Theater 3000" episode 908, "The Touch of Satan".*

**Mr. Keitel:** Mr. Strickland.

**Tom Servo:** You've been hittin' the booze again!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Which is going to be a theme for both the characters and the audience. Let's examine the case of "Pete's Dragon".

## Review

*The film opens with the titular Pete being lifted though the trees by some unseen wires.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* It's Jim Henson's "Danny Bonnaduce Babies in Peter Pan"! Actually, it's Pete, who with the help of his currently invisible dragon Elliot, is fleeing from his abusive foster family - is there any other kind in the movies? - the hillbilly Gogan clan.

**The Gogans:** \*looking straight ahead\* Argh!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* And... there you have it, thirty seconds of screentime and already I cannot take our antagonists seriously. The first song, "The Happiest Home in These Hills", is also the first Sin.

* **Sin 1: "The Happiest Home in These Hills"**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* It's a *terrible* excuse for a villain song, and yes, I get that the perky melody and upbeat banjo are supposed to be ironic, but instead it's mood-killing. The way the characters mug and growl like pantomime villains - and not even good pantomime villains, the kind in low-budget children's theatre productions - doesn't help either.

*Cut to clip art of a stereotypical villain with a curly mustache, wearing a top hat and cape, and holding dynamite.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Nor does their hit-and-miss approach to pitch.

**Lena Gogan (Shelley Winters):** Oh Petey, Oh Petey...

Where are you?

Please come back!

Oh Petey!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* So, the Gogans bought Pete from the orphanage to be their slave labor but after some of invisible Elliot whacking them into the mud, complete with cartoony sound effects, they decide to search elsewhere. Since apparently, it's not like they could come back or anything, Pete hunkers down for a rest...

*Pete wakes up the next morning to see Elliot, still invisible, helping himself to some apples.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* ...during which, his hiding place is moved to an apple orchard. And hey, if the Gogans are such lousy caretakers, why does Pete have cleaner hair and nicer teeth than the rest of them put together? It's like that old riddle about going to the barber with the bad haircut because he's the one cutting the good-looking barber's hair.

*Cut to an old black and white photo of a barbershop.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Anyway, Elliot materializes, and he and Pete settle in for breakfast and a song.

**Pete (Sean Marshall):** \*singing as Elliot sings backup\* Remember the night when you first confided,

And things went so right that we both decided

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* And a lot of "Hey everyone, it's a cartoon dragon and a live-action kid together on-screen" posturing!

* **Sin 2: Effects-Dictated Story**

**Diva:** Sin number two, the scenes tend to serve the effects rather than the other way around.

*Cut to clips from "Mary Poppins" and "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" respectively.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* When you watch, say, "Mary Poppins" or "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", it doesn't feel like the effects are trying to show off. The characters are interacting in a way that fits the scene and story, and the effects are built around that. Here, you can tell that this entire scene exists for the sole purpose of having five minutes of "Look, the boy is riding a cartoon dragon! Isn't that awesome? Please say it's awesome, it's all we have to go on." Part of the problem is the fact that Elliot spends so much of the movie invisible, which means they don't have to bother with the animated aspect any more than necessary. Instead, we go for showing practical effects, as when Pete and Elliot arrive in Passamaquoddy - which I think is a Wampanoag word meaning 'colorful New England seaside village' - and cause a ruckus.

**Egg Man (Ben Wrigley):** Eggs, fresh eggs! Get 'em by the dozen!

**Pete:** \*walking backwards\* Now remember what I said, Elliot. Come on.

*Pete almost bumping into the egg man causes him to stumble around.*

**Mayor (Jim Backus):** It's a place of serenity and security!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Oh, for the love of- drop the eggs already! Elliot's clumsiness causes Pete to earn the wrath of stern schoolmarm and the freelance shame squad, and his protests of "No, really! My invisible dragon did it!" fall on predictably deaf ears. The only person who sees Elliot is Lampie, the lovable town drunk played by Mickey Rooney, who runs off to the tavern to tell everybody.

*Cut to a clip from Disney's "Moana".*

**Tamatoa:** In song form!

**Lampie:** \*singing\* A dragon, a dragon, I swear I saw a dragon!

A green and seething, fire-breathing monster is in sight!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Lampie's daughter Nora shows up, but she has a hard time tearing her dad away from the booze and tearing herself away from the grabby patrons, so she gets to hang around for Sin number three, some *very* frustrating dance editing.

* **Sin 3: Awkward Dance Editing**

*Nora is seen dancing on top of the bar, playfully kicking the beer mugs out of the patrons' hands.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* I admit it, parts of this choreography look *amazing,* especially when they get to the 'rolling on the barrels' part, and it would be nice if the camera would actually let us *see* it. But between the bad angles, the awkward close-ups, and the copious amounts of foam and haze in the atmosphere, it's hard to tell what's going on. Also, I find it odd that Nora is smiling and dancing, right after she stormed into the bar to drag home her sod of a father and got manhandled for her troubles. While Nora takes her father back to the lighthouse where both of them work, which is *totally* a job an irresponsible drunkard should have, Pete's getting all sulky because his big, clumsy dragon was being big and clumsy.

**Pete:** We're in a lot of trouble, and it's all your fault!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Which brings up Sin number four: this scene is trying to bring up strain in a relationship that *hasn't* been established.

* **Sin 4: Who Cares?**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Where does Elliot come from? How did Pete find him or vice versa? How long have they known each other? Was this running away thing planned between the two of them or did it just happen one day? There's a whole story that needs to be told before we can start caring about this relationship and we never get it. Nora sees Pete sulking around the beach and since he's a heartwarming orphan, she offers him some food and a place to sleep. And she's rather indulgent on the whole dragon issue, mostly because she believes it's an imaginary friend thing.

**Nora (Helen Reddy):** \*singing\* You say the head of a camel,

the neck of a crocodile?

**Pete:** \*spoken\* And ears of a cow!

**Diva:** \*voiceover, sarcastic\* Right, because if there's one thing crocodiles are known for, it's their long supple necks.

*Zoom in on the photo of a crocodile after cutting to it. The next day, Doctor Terminus and his assistant Hoagy roll into town on their wagon.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Oh great, Bono's character from "Across the Universe" is crashing the movie. Actually, this is Dr. Terminus, snake oil salesman, wannabe melodrama villain, and purveyor of slapstick. He's been in this town before, so the Passamaquoddians are wise to his quackery, but that doesn't stop him from delivering a high-energy musical number.

**Dr. Terminus (Jim Dale):** \*singing\* Poddomaquassy, no, no Paquamasoddy!

No, Passamamassy!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Although his inability to pronounce the town's name might. Seriously, doc, I'm *terrible* with human languages and I can do this one. It's Passamaquoddy, not... you know.

*Cut to clip of a weatherman pronouncing the full name of the Welsh village, Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* The town is in a fist-shaking rage, but Terminus works some 'miracle cures' for various patients, who all just *happen* to look remarkably like his assistant, Hoagy. And that completely turns the tide in his favor because...

*Cut to a clip from "Blazing Saddles" of Gene Wilder's character (Jim the Waco Kid) making Sherriff Bart laugh by saying the word 'morons'.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* So now that our secondary, or... possibly late-coming primary antagonist is introduced, let's check in on the heroes, shall we? Pete is doing all right for himself, having received a clean face and an impossibly dorky suit. And he's offering to help Nora out in return by sending Elliot to look for her fiancé Paul, who went missing at sea a year ago. Nora's getting increasingly uncomfortable with the dragon talk, but Lampie is all, "Well, *you're* still pining for a guy who's probably dead, so nyeah!", which leads to Nora staring out over the sea and singing the movie's signature song.

**Nora:** \*singing\* I'll be your candle on the water,

'til every wave is warm and bright

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* 70s pop ballads aren't really my thing, but as far as they go, this one isn't bad. Later, Lampie is in one of his lovable alcoholic stupors, when he stumbles upon Doc Terminus and Hoagy and he blabs about the dragon in the environs to them. Terminus is surprisingly skeptical of the crazy old drunk but Hoagy, being a crazy old drunk himself, is convinced to go searching the cave where Elliot's holed up.

**Hoagy (Red Buttons):** \*stammering\* I wanna pet it.

**Lampie:** \*slurred\* And a tail that's so big and powerful, it could destroy the hull of a frigate!

*They both encounter Elliot, causing them to be scared senseless.*

**Hoagy:** \*terrified\* L-look at it!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Sweet Lucifer, there's more mugging going on than at a subway station at three in the morning! Sin number five for the comic relief giving me indigestion.

* **Sin 5: KOMEDY!**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* The next morning, Pete finds there's a downside to having proper adult supervision, as he now has to go to school.

**Nora:** Like it or hate it, you have to go. Do you want to be stupid when you grow up, like the Gogans?

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Hey, he could have a thriving political career. But Pete has a right to be anxious as most of the adults now consider him to be bad luck because of the accidents that happen around him, and also the fishing has gone bad. It's like the Disney version of "The Crucible".

*Cut to a black and white photo of the cast for "The Crucible".*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Don't give them any ideas. But Nora chides them - how else?

*Cut once again to Tamatoa.*

**Tamatoa:** In song form!

**Nora:** \*singing\* There's room for everyone in this world

Back up and make some room

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Much heel clicking later, Pete is off to school where I'm sure absolutely no dragon-related mischief will-

*Elliot busts into the schoolhouse, making a large hole in the building.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Well, go figure. The giant dragon-shaped holes in the school aren't as easily dismissed as the fancies of children and alcoholics, and Terminus is thrilled because apparently dragon parts are a hot commodity on the folk cure market. And if the Gogans' villain song came off as trying for ironic but just inappropriate, Terminus just went, "Hold my beer".

**Dr. Terminus and Hoagy:** \*singing\* Dragon liver can cure a cold,

dragon powder grows hair

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* So, for those of you keeping track at home, that's three potential story arcs: boy running from abusive hillbillies, evil con man wants to chop up dragon for pharmaceuticals, and lonely orphan has trouble fitting in because of his well-meaning but awkward supernatural bodyguard, and Sin number six is that none of them ever really amount to much.

* **Sin 6: Three Lines, No Progress**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* There's a silly scene here, a cute song there, but as far as a compelling plot goes...

*Cut to a brief clip from the 2012 film adaptation of "Les Miserables".*

**Madame Thénardier:** \*singing\* There's not much there

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Terminus tries to get Pete to sell Elliot to him, while making the mistake of all cartoonish villains up against child protagonists, that of being obviously condescending to his opponent.

**Dr. Terminus:** Look, deliver Elliot to me and the fiver is yours. Plus, a bottle of my medicine that's guaranteed to bring on puberty two years ahead of time.

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* *And* now you're officially creepy. Meanwhile, Nora and Lampie have decided to adopt Pete, which they celebrate by singing nonsense songs while pretending to whitewash the lighthouse with dry brushes. \*beat\* And hey, didn't there used to be hillbillies in this movie?

*The Gogan family finally arrives at Passamaquoddy in their horse-drawn cart.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Oh, welcome back, Gogans! Hope you don't mind, we've just been keeping the movie running without you. When Terminus hears that other people are inquiring about the boy with the dragon, he goes full-out Jigsaw on one of his patients.

**Dr. Terminus:** Now don't move! Stay tense, or that weight will fall, that clamp will break your jaw, tear your gums apart, and go clean through your cheek! Tense, tense!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Meanwhile the Gogans are all, "We're takin' Pete back!" and Nora's all, "Nuh-uh!" and they're all, "Yeah-huh, here's a bill of sale sayin' we own him!", which is not something they could make stand in any court forty years after the Civil War, but no matter. The Gogans are going to grab Pete just as soon as the men decide who gets the honor of groping Nora.

**Willie Gogan (Jeff Conaway):** You grab Pete... I wanna hold her.

**Grover Gogan (Gary Morgan):** I wanna hold her!

*The two brothers tussle with each other.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Which stalls them long enough to get torpedoed by Elliot and allow Nora and Pete to escape for the nonce. But we're approaching the final half-hour and the bad guys are finally going to get their butts in gear, bringing on Sin number seven, the overstuffed climax.

* **Sin 7: Ending's coming; everybody look busy!**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* It's like this movie took two hours of dramatic development and stuffed it into the last quarter of the movie. In brief, Terminus teams up with the Gogans, promising to help them get Pete if he can have the dragon. He gets the fishermen in on it by promising that getting rid of the dragon will bring back the fish, and a trap is set with much comedy.

**Hoagy:** We've done it!

*Hoagy points up, causing a fishing net to be accidentally dropped on him and Dr. Terminus.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* *(disembodied voices saying "Meanwhile")* Pete tells Nora that Paul - remember him, Nora's lost at sea almost husband? - is making his way to get unlost as soon as possible, but Nora is all, "No, it's no use believing in dragons or long-lost loves because third-act despair..." Terminus nabs Pete for the bait by telling him Elliot is causing a ruckus in town, Hoagy gets Elliot by telling him Pete is in trouble, and did I mention all this is happening during a terrible storm that blows out the lighthouse lamp just as Paul needs it to make his way safely into harbor?

**Paul (Cal Bartlett):** Captain, the light's off!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* The trap is sprung, everyone wrestles with a bunch of robotics under a tarp, but Elliot escapes just before Terminus can harpoon him.

*Doc Terminus realizes the harpoon rope is wrapped around his leg and tries to get free, but the harpoon launches him through the roof of the boathouse, accompanied by the famous Goofy holler.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover, groans in exasperation\* Again with the Goofy yell in a lousy movie! And by the way, Doc, don't you think that killing the dragon outright rather than just using his replenishable parts is rather short-sighted?

**Dr. Terminus:** Elliot, I want to make a deal with you! To buy up all your used and spare parts! You know, like a hangnail, or if you shed your skin! Or if your hair falls out, I'll pay you top dollar!

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* Now, see, if you tried that approach *first,* you could be sitting pretty atop an entire dragon dung and toenail industry right about now. So yeah, Elliot finally shows some competence as he saves *everybody*, burning the Gogans' bill of sale for Pete...

*Elliot breathes fire on the Gogans' bill of sale.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* ...saving the town elders from a falling telegraph wire...

*Then, Elliot catches the telegraph pole before it can fall on the mayor and his advisors.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* ...and relighting the lighthouse, saving Paul and proving his existence to Nora in one fell swoop.

*Finally, Elliot manages to reignite the lighthouse lamp.*

**Elliot (Charlie Callas):** Wow! \*panting\*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* So, the fish have returned, Paul has returned, and you'll *never* believe why it's taken him this long... no, really. You won't.

**Paul:** We sank in a storm off Cape Hatteras. I was the only survivor. When I woke up in the hospital, I'd lost my memory. Then the other day, a strange thing happened. My bed suddenly tipped over. I don't know how, but I bumped my head, and everything came back to me.

* **Sin 8: Yes, really.**

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* But it all ends on a bittersweet note as now that Pete is all set with his new family, Elliot must leave him and fly off to aid another child, probably by making a complete mess of things until it's dramatically convenient.

**Pete:** And remember, you're supposed to be invisible!

## The Verdict

**Diva:** It's easy to see why "Pete's Dragon" tends to slip through the cracks when it comes to Disney movies. There's not much in it that the studio doesn't do better in other movies. The animation headed by Don Bluth is typically solid, but it's hard to care about Elliot's relationship to Pete when we're both thrown into the middle of it, and then just... spin our wheels for most of the movie. Therefore, the court of Musical Hell orders the following punishments. \*voiceover\* For making me sit through extended sequences involving their substance abuse, Lampie and Hoagy are required to attend 'Cliche Alcoholic Characters Anonymous'.

*Cut to clip art of silhouetted people sitting on chairs in a circle.*

**Diva:** \*voiceover\* For building the scenes around the effects rather than the other way around, the writers are condemned to sit through *(cut to movie posters for...)* the entire "Transformers" film series. And finally, for the *terrible* framing of what I can only assume was an otherwise excellent dance scene, director Don Chaffey is condemned to always get *(cut to a photo of...)* the seat behind the support girder. So, let it be recorded. This session of the Infernal Court in Musical Hell is now adjourned.