Press Release from Rev My Engine Motorsport (September, 2023)

Press Release:

Tragedy struck on the last turn in Vegas as Team Manager David Carson passed away during the special "Chicago'' racing event. Family members note that TP Carson went out in the way he would have wanted: autoerotic asphyxiation while driving over 100 MPH. Naysayers will note that his final communication over the radio was David screaming, "Dear god I don't want to die! This is not how I want to go out! Someone please help me!" but his family insists that he truly died doing what he loved. Some of the other leaders in ASSCAR weighed in on TP Carson’s passing:

"That guy was a freak. but goddamn did he know how to run a racing team" - TP Tague

"I walked into the Rev office last week and the entire team was a tornado of sweaty limbs. It looked like a sexy squid and I like to think that TP Carson really went out on top" - TP Shook

"He died as he lived, amusingly. Please hire me." - TP Stocker

"He was the best of my wife's boyfriends." - TP Ritter

TP Peterson was too broken up to deliver a statement.

There is speculation, however, that TP Carson could have been saved if the stewards were not arguing over the rules about TP Tague's use of his car radio for over 30 minutes while David remained bleeding out on the track. Rev My Engine Motorsports has come out with a statement following the race:

"It is with profound sadness that we announce the passing of our esteemed team manager, David Carson, during the race event in Las Vegas. The Rev team is deeply shaken and saddened by this tragic loss.

Our team manager was not only a dedicated and passionate individual but also an integral part of our racing family. Their commitment to excellence and tireless efforts played a significant role in our achievements on and off the track.

In light of this devastating incident, we will be conducting a thorough review of the circumstances surrounding the tragedy to ensure the highest standards of safety for our team members, racers, and everyone involved in ASSCAR. Safety remains our top priority, and we are committed to learning from this incident to prevent such heartbreak in the future.

As we mourn the loss of our dear team manager, we also remember the legacy they leave behind, one filled with dedication, passion, and an unwavering commitment to our team's success. We will honor their memory by continuing to strive for excellence and excellence only.

The entire ASSCAR community comes together in times like these, and we appreciate the outpouring of support from fans, colleagues, and fellow teams. We thank you for your understanding and kindness during this incredibly challenging period."

All is not lost for Rev My Engine as they announced their new Team Manager coming from the slick tar of NASCAR and the sticky pages of porn magazines:

"FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Rev My Engine Motorsports Appoints Cal Naughton Jr. AKA Mike Honcho as Team Principal. Rev My Engine Motorsports is thrilled to announce the appointment of Cal Naughton Jr. as our new Team Principal, effective immediately. With a rich history of excellence and a steadfast commitment to our mission, Rev My Engine Motorsports is poised to lead our team to new heights in the world of ASSCAR.

Cal Naughton Jr. brings a wealth of experience and a proven track record in the motorsport industry, making him an ideal choice to guide Rev My Engine Motorsports into the future. His deep understanding of the sport, strategic acumen, and leadership qualities align seamlessly with our team's vision for success.

Cal Naughton Jr. also brings experience in the adult film world, which was critical to the current direction of this team. Mike Honcho's spread in Playgirl Magazine 2003 was a landmark issue that brought reading porn back into the mainstream for the American female.

Throughout Cal Naughton Jr.'s distinguished career, he has demonstrated an unwavering dedication to achieving victory, a trait that resonates profoundly with our team's ethos. His accomplishments, both on and off the track, have earned him the respect and admiration of peers and fans alike.

Stay tuned for an exciting season ahead, as we continue to make history in ASSCAR."

Unfortunately due to the rigorous nature of the interviewing process some difficult cuts were made. TMZ received a leaked email out to an applicant who did not receive the position:

"Dear TP Stocker,

Re: Application for Team Principal with Rev My Engine Motorsport

I hope this message finds you well. We would like to express our appreciation for your interest in joining Rev My Engine Motorsport as our Team Principal. Your dedication to the sport of ASSCAR is evident, and we respect your passion.

After conducting a comprehensive assessment of your qualifications and professional background, we regret to inform you that we will not be moving forward with your candidacy for the Team Manager role. Our decision is rooted in the fundamental difference between your track record and the unwavering pursuit of excellence that defines Rev My Engine Motorsport.

As an organization, we prioritize victory above all else, and our commitment to winning is unparalleled. We have carefully reviewed your track record, which, regrettably, demonstrates a consistent pattern of underperformance and a lack of success in previous roles.

We believe in surrounding ourselves with individuals who share our unrelenting dedication to victory and possess a proven record of achievement. Unfortunately, your qualifications do not align with the exceptional standards we uphold within our team.

We encourage you to continue your journey in motorsports, seeking opportunities that better align with your goals and ambitions. While we are unable to offer you a position at this time, we remain committed to our mission of success in ASSCAR.

Thank you for considering Rev My Engine Motorsport as a potential employer. We appreciate your passion for the sport and wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,

The Investors - Rev My Engine Motorsport"

Currently Rev My Engine is in 3rd place in the league and looks to build new momentum in this week’s ASSCAR action.

## Out-of-Fiction

This article was written by David Carson, with brief quotes from Max Tague, Richard Shook, Michael Stocker, and Kyle Ritter.