Medieval Times with Mary Holland and Matt Newell

"Medieval Times with Mary Holland and Matt Newell" is Episode 126 of *Doughboys*, hosted by Mike Mitchell and Nick Wiger. "Medieval Times with Mary Holland and Matt Newell" was released on October 19, 2017.

## Synopsis

**Jockdoughberfest 2017** continues at the 'boys welcome Mary Holland (*Veep*, *Comedy Bang! Bang!*) and Matt Newell (*Adam Ruins Everything*, Upright Citizens Brigade) for a visit to Medieval Times. Mary discusses her previous job at Medieval Times as a photography wench before the gang dives into their review, followed by a candy-related segment of Hot or Not.

## Nick's intro

"*Great pits were dug and piled deep with a multitude of dead, and there were also those who were so sparsely covered with earth that the dogs dragged them forth and devoured many bodies throughout the city.*"

These words were written by Agnolo di Tura, a Tuscan chronicler who himself had buried his five children due to the scourge of the bubonic plague, The Black Death. Crude recordkeeping means precise totals are unknown, but the plague killed tens of millions of Europeans between 1346 and 1353. Lower estimates mean 1/3 of the continent's population was extinguished; higher estimates putting the death rate at 6 in 10.

The brutal pandemic was the apex of the misery of the Middle Ages, also known as the Medieval Period, which went from the 5th to the 15th centuries in Europe - roughly from the fall of the Roman Empire to the beginning of the Renaissance. For 1000 years, Europe seemed to slide backward, a downward spiral of savagery exacerbated by rampant anti-intellectualism and superstition, where the great masses lived in filth and died in Holy Wars and childbirth, while the ruling classes hoarded resources and lived in opulence.

But as time passed, the era became idealized, the pageantry and ceremony of royalty celebrated, the nobility viewed, indeed, as noble; images of the era dominated by princesses on white horses and knights in shining armor. King Arthur as history.

It was this sanitized version of a decidedly unsanitary age that inspired Jose Montaner, himself a relative of the Count of Perelada, to convert his barbecue restaurant in the resort town of Mallorca, Spain into a dinner theater where knights competed and jousted in games. The concept was a hit with tourists, and so was brought to the colonies in 1983 with its first U.S. outpost in Kissimmee, Florida, just a short drive from Disneyworld. The company opened its second American castle near Anaheim's Disneyland in 1986; then seven more across North America, the brand perhaps peaking in relevance in a sequence from the 1996 Ben Stiller/Jim Carrey film, *The Cable Guy.*

The dining experience is hardly authentic. Aside from glaring anachronisms, like Pepsi, frozen margaritas, and moist towelettes, there are subtler inaccuracies, like the inclusion of corn, potatoes, and tomatoes, which weren't present in Europe before the discovery of the New World. And the chain faced a near-Black Death of its own at the end of the 20th century when shoddy bookkeeping saddled it with a crushing tax bill, forcing its ownership to file for bankruptcy protection.

But it's come back strong amid a resurgent interest in swordplay, horsemanship, and chivalry, with high fantasy becoming mainstream due to pop-culture properties *The Lord of the Rings* and *Game of Thrones*.

Today, this Middle Ages eatery is enjoying a renaissance as a unique family-friendly dinner theater visit to a distant era, without the serfdom, sickness, starvation, and suffering, where the only deaths are noble ones.

This week on *Doughboys*, **Jockdoughberfest 2017** continues as our month of sports-themed restaurants welcomes a tournament from another time, Medieval Times.

## Gatorade Jug rating

As with other Jockdoughberfest eps, The Doughboys rate out of 5 Gatorade jugs, not the usual forks.

 Mike Mitchell
 Matt Newell
 Mary Holland

Medieval Times has a set menu (a Bill Of Fare): Dragon's Blood (Tomato Bisque), Toasted Garlic Bread, Baby Dragon (roasted chicken), Sweet Buttered Corn, Herb-Basted Potato, Pastry Of The Castle (lemon poundcake), beverages. They each had that.

With these scores, Medieval Times makes the Golden Plate Club!

## Hot or Not 🥵 / Snack or Wack

This is a segment where The Doughboys eat spicy foods and rate the heat levels.

For this episode, they have Sweet Heat Skittles (flavors: Blazin' Mango, Fiery Watermelon, Lemon Spark, Sizzlin' Strawberry, Flamin' Orange) and Sweet Heat Starburst (flavors: Fiery Watermelon, Strawberry Mango, Flamin' Orange, Pipin' Pineapple).

The scale for Hot Or Not from least to most is Not Not Not, Not Not, Not, Not Hot, Hot, Hot Not, Hot Hot, Hot Hot Hot.

They seem to place the Skittles in between Not and Hot, and create a new "Not Hot" spot on the scale.

They found the Starburst to be hotter, setting it at "Hot".

On the Snack or Wack side, the Doughboys all consider both to be Snacks, but preferring the Starburst to the Skittles.

## Quotes

**Matt:** It's not a pickle, it's a piccolo!
**Mitch:** To be fair, I didn't know. I did think it was a pickle you played.

## #hashtags

* #PepperMoversAndSaltShakers
* #PicklePicky vs. #PicklePickEm / #ThatsWhyPerfectMatch
* #BigThreeBreakfast

## The Feedbag

Hers: 1. Waffles; 2. Pancakes; 3. French Toast.
Mine: 1. French Toast; 2. Waffles; 3. Pancakes
We'd like you to weigh in with your own rankings as well as any that we might have missed or didn't rank high enough.

## Related Episodes

* 125. ESPN Zone
* 126. **Medieval Times**
* 127. The Great Shrimp Off
* DD18. Red, White, & Gru
* 126. **Medieval Times**
* 182. Rubio's

## Photos (via @doughboyspod)

Dragon's BloodBaby DragonSweet Buttered Corn and Herb-Basted PotatoPastry of the Castle