Kepelkeker Farms Scandal

## The Kepelkeker Farms Scandal

Clipping from a 2015 newspaper showing the belligerents of the scandal when the most recent ceasefire began

### Date

1989-1995, 1999-2005, 2007-2015, 2018-present

### Location

Omsk, RussiaVirginia, United States, Western Gambia

### Death Toll

14 (1989-1995); 4,500 (1999-2005, excluding 20,000 Yeth Hounds); 22,456 (2005-2015)

### Parties Involved

Yosef RomanovKarl Marx GurevichAleksey PivovarovKelley Ann GurevichRada K. RomanovAisha MankitaDmitriy Gurevich

The Kepelkeker Farms Scandal is an ongoing turf war as to whom the Kepelkeker Coffee Plantations in Omsk, Russia, belong.

## How It Began

The Kepelkeker Farms were taken from patriarch Genghis Kepelkeker in 1920 when all commercial land was nationalized by the Soviet Union. The family still maintained their careers their, they simply no longer had official ownership of the property. Genghis and his wife Menas ended up both leaving the farms separately, in 1924 and 1938 respectively.

Rada Kepelkeker and her 13 siblings became the main forces on the farm, but by 1938 all her siblings had been killed by weather or the Red Army, and her younger brother Kalev Kepelkeker left to work at a Yurt manufactury in Mongolia. Rada, disillusioned by the sorrows of working a coffee plantation in Siberia alone, married Eyfim Romanov Romanov and left to Azerbaijan for ten torturous years.

Rada returned ten years later and gave birth to Anna Romanov and Margarita Kepelkeker, and she was permitted to live on the farm again due to her experience. At this point, there were multiple viable successors to the throne.

## The Beginning of the Scandal, 1989-1997

In 1989, Rada "retired" and, as the Soviet Union was beginning to embrace capitalism at the end of the Cold War, questions were raised as to who would be the owner of the property once it could be owned. The viable candidates were Rada's grandchildren Yosef Romanov, Aleksey Pivovarov, Kelley Ann Romanov, and technically her son Gak Rasputin.

Each felt entitled to the property, especially Yosef and Aleksey who were actively dedicating their lives to the study of coffee. Yosef was put out of favor by Rada due to his employment at another coffee related business, Кофебус, in 1987 while he was in college. Aleksey was nine years old and was deemed a fool after dislocating his knee at a playground near Школа 3. Gak Rasputin had not been seen since 1964 and was being searched for by Anna Romanov at the time. Therefore, the uninterested but greedy 14 year old Kelley Ann Romanov was the apparent heir to the throne. Knowing this, she married Muscovite Karl Marx that year to show her responsibility to her grandmother, whose prime concern with her grandchildren was reproduction.

Fighting broke out in the neighborhoods surrounding the plantations when it was found out that Kelley Ann was the favorite to win the property. Pro-Kelley Ann supporters fought against those who supported Yosef or Aleksey. Protest signs labelled "Алексей и Йосеф на самом деле любят кофе!" (Aleksey and Yosef actually like coffee) and "Пусть Рада говорит!" (Let Rada Speak). The violence included molotov cocktails which burned down five houses and led to the deaths of 6 people before the police broke it up and began to heavily guard the area. The tensions led to Soviet Premier Gorbechov personally visiting Omsk under high security to specifically order the farms to be made private property in 1990.

Kelley Ann then became the primary shareholder after Rada K. Romanov signed a document with Gorbechov dismissing the claims to progenation held by the missing Gak Rapsutin and Anna Romanov. This fanned the flames, as Yosef and Aleksey were by default denied claims to the farms. Yosef further felt that his mother Anna was the rightful heir at the very least. This first conflict kicked up, as the Gurevich (no longer Marx) family took control of the farms and sold them to an upcoming American coffee company, Starbucks, in 1995.

At this point, the family and most of the population of Omsk gathered at the farm's headquarters to raise the Starbucks flag and retire the Kepelkeker Coat of Arms.

Rada, now 78 years old, told the entire extended family to reunite in friendship and harmony. She told the family to continue on the tradition of the farms by working for Starbucks, and to begin a family business empire by expanding overseas. It was at this summit where the Cofffe Haus Accords were signed. This treaty alotted the misrepresented parties, Yosef Romanov and Aleksey Pivovarov, permanent work visas in the Gambia and India to work for COFFEE HAUS. The dispute was then settled for a few years. During the intermission, Aleksey graduated and went to the Gambia, and Yosef soon followed. They went on multiple family trips and even a few that included the Gurevich couple.

## Gak's War (1999-2005)

In 1999, at the four-year Kepelkeker Reunion, a live wolverine was hurled at Karl Marx Gurevich, but it missed and scraped the scalp of a young Dmitriy Gurevich. The man behind this was none other than Gak Rasputin. After being "missing" since 1944, he had become a wolverine-hunting tycoon in Kazakhstan. He believed that the farm rightfully belonged to him as the firstborn child of Rada. Karl Gurevich smugly denied even the consideration of this idea, as the farm was now the property of Starbucks.

In response, Gak invaded the city of Omsk with an army of Yeth Hounds and plagued the city with wolverines.

He then conquered Starbucks, deposing Karl Gurevich from the farm from 1999 through 2001. Rada was complicit with her son's rise to power. However, her daughter Anna was not.

Shortly after failing to defeat what really caused 9/11 , BOB let his guard down in anguish, taking down his cloaking device. Anna found him, her father, for the first time ever, naked in a swamp swallowing leeches. BOB was told about the situation, and he knew what he needed to do.

After summoning the Hallowed Council of Severe Thunderstorms, BOB defeated the menace in the city in one swift but bloody battle, and Gak fought a losing war, retracting back into Kazahkstan over the next few years. Upon his surrender, Gar stripped Gak of his ability to command the Yeth.

During the course of this war, the Kepelkeker descendants began to doubt each other's loyalty. Aleksey nearly entirely abandoned the family, moving to Alexandria, Virginia and founding Coffee Haus 10 with Dr. Sioux Red. Meanwhile Yosef was hoping that the return of his mother would change Rada's opinion of the Gurevich's, but it did not. BOB utilized his victory to cloak himself and return to hiding in Washington, DC and Anna went back to search for him again in desperation. The Gurevich's feared that the entire Kepelkeker clan was out to get their fortune, and in a desire for revenge, Karl Marx Gurevich joined the cousins Aleksey and Yosef on their next trips to the Gambia...

## The Gambian Front (2007-2015)

Aleksey Pivovarov studied coffee at a university in Virginia, United States and his trips to the Gambia became a way of life. He married Aisha Mankita when he was on a trip alone in early 2007. His cousins Yosef Romanov and Karl Gurevich would also frequently take trips there with him. Little did they know, Karl was plotting against Coffee Haus 10. Yosef frequently would take Gambian coffee from Coffee Haus 10 to take to KOFFEBUS in Omsk, and would often lecture his young nephew Dmitriy about the importance of coffee in their family, often in a condescending tone and referring off-handedly to Karl Gurevich's actions in the 1990s. Aleksey was young during the inception of the scandal, and accepted the fate of the farms. He even went so far as to work at a Starbucks in Virginia, where he became the manager due to his connections to Karl.

In late 2007, Karl Gurevich made a deal with Gambian guerilla warrior Seedy Buba and some Senegalese rebels to "destabilize" the region encompassing Coffee Haus 10. The invasion occurred while elsewhere in the Gambia Sioux Red Jr. was babysitting Dmitriy Gurevich, Aleksey Pivovarov was on his honeymoon with Aisha Mankita, and Yosef Romanov was loading the family boat, the *RSS Valentin*, with coffee grounds. Karl Gurevich was en route to warn Gambian president Yahyah Jammeh about the attack, and to request that Starbucks intervene and take control of the area to ensure stable profits. The only person at Coffee Haus 10 to protect the beans was Sioux Red, who luckily was one of the village mages. Weilding his two famous "cursed" AR15's, Sioux Red fended off Seedy Buba's troops. But by then it was too late for de-escalation; Seedy Buba's troops had taken control over the entire areas surrounding Coffee Haus 10.

   Within hours, the news of the attack spread through the Gambia. After seeing a news reel depicting Karl Marx Gurevich ("Russia's Coffee Dictator" as the headline read) shaking hands with president Yahyah Jammeh and organizing for Starbucks to hire mercenaries to "protect" the coffee plantations in the invaded area, Yosef Romanov was furious. He knew immediately that Karl was behind this. Aleksey, however, as a member of Starbucks, saw this as a pay raise. He would rather maintain the independence of Coffee Haus 10, but he couldn't risk fighting against the wishes of his master company. For this, Aleksey at first remained complicit to the conflict at hand, letting Sioux Red take the heat so Aleksey could enjoy the rest of his honeymoon. Yosef took this complicity with great offense, since Karl Gurevich, a person out of the bloodline, was about to yet again take away rightful Kepelkeker property. Businessmen immediately began to flow in from the United States, offering to join the cause for or against Starbucks. Yosef Romanov hired Stevie "Wonder" Johnston to use the RSS Valentin to bring Gambian coffee to a new shop in the United States, in exchange for some of the profits.

A long feud began between Aleksey, Yosef, and Karl; all at the expense of the lives of hundreds of Gambians.

Seedy Buba's army, the Decaf Squad, fought alongside the Starbucks-led Barista Armed Forces (BArF) to destroy Sioux Red and the Coffee Haus Mages.

Gurevich's Coalition gradually decimated the Coffee Haus Mages. In 2009, Coffee Haus 1 and 2 fell. In 2011, Coffee Haus 8 and 3. In 2012, Coffee Haus 4, 5, 6, and 7 all fell at once during the devastating *Battle of Gambian Tributary Number Twelve*. All that remained in the Gambia was Sioux Red's own Coffee Haus 10 (Coffee Haus 9 is located in the Telugu state of India). By this point, however, the Decaf Squad felt growing anti-colonial sentiments. The BArF colonization began in the former locations of Coffee Haus 1 and 2, and the presence of the American Starbucks corporation in the area brought back bad memories of the British rule.

Later in 2011, the parents of Aleksey Pivovarov died in a car crash in Lithuania. Immediate investigation found the oncoming car that killed Valentin Pivovarov and Margarita Kepelkeker was a Gambian man not under the influence of any substances. This event, The Crash of Lithuania, caused Aleksey to suspect that Yosef was behind the attack. He figured that Yosef's anti-Starbucks position in the war led him to assassinate the Pivovarov parents so that Yosef could take permanent ownership of the RSS Valentin and Coffee Haus 10. Yosef denied this vehemently, but the lack of trust drove the feud further. It turned out that Karl was truly behind it, and Yosef knew it.

In 2012, Seedy Buba officially turned against Karl Gurevich with the aim of removing all foreign interests from the Gambia. By no means did this align the Decaf Squad with Sioux Red; their rivalry only increased. It did, however, divert the Decaf Squad's attention from The Coffee Haus Mages and towards removing Starbucks from the Gambia.

In 2013, the major powers in the conflict met in a secret meeting in to discuss the war. Yosef, Aleksey, Karl, Seedy Buba, an undisclosed Starbucks representative, a member of Yahyah Jammeh's cabinet, and Sioux Red, all talked together. This only made things worse. It was Aleksey+Karl+Jammeh vs Yosef+Sioux vs Seedy Buba. The Starbucks representative declared that the conflict was no longer profitable to the company, and they retracted their support for the Gambian military. Karl freaked out and beat the Starbucks representative to death. The ensuing chaos caused fist fights between Aleksey and Yosef, Sioux and Seedy, and Karl and the Gambian official. Seedy lost an eye in the fight, Sioux lost some fingers on his left hand and a portion of his right ear. Yosef left with a busted rib. Karl left with his eyes damaged and bleeding, his entire body covered in blood and gore, and a feeling of losing control. In desperation, he immediately travelled to the BArF military complex and assumed ALPHA MALE control of the troops. He went in for TOTAL WAR against the Decaf Squad and Sioux Red, using his personal funds from the Kepelkeker Farms to fund the army to personally take over the coffee in the Gambia. He sent out a help signal to the Hallowed Council but they never answered.

The next two years were the last and bloodiest years of the conflict. 15,000 people died-- 92% Gambians, 6.6% Senegalese, 1.1% Russian, and 0.3% Americans.

In 2014, Seedy Buba personally massacred over 2,000 BArF troops in an ambush while they were sleeping, lighting the jungle on fire. By November of that year, the BArF were forced to surrender and Seedy Buba ordered a bounty for the capture of Karl Marx Gurevich. Karl retreated and took his family with him on a private helicopter that took them to Sierra Leone. From there they sailed back to Russia safely. With Starbucks no longer a component in the war, Aleksey Pivovarov sided with Sioux Red who, out of hatred for Seedy Buba, turned his loyalty and the official ownership of Coffee Hus 10, officially over to Aleksey from Yosef.

Yosef had no intentions of returning the RSS Valentin, but his client Stevie Johnston was partial to the sovereignty of Coffee Haus 10. Aleksey went back to the United States for a short while to watch some opera and work at Starbucks, as Stevie Johnston brought his shipment of coffee to the Florida business (then known as "Hot Bean Haus"), he officially closed and reopened the business as Gucci Bean Haus, declaring Aleksey Pivovarov the proprietor without even consulting Yosef.

In January 2015, Coffee Haus 10 was assaulted by tear gas and smoke grenades in the night, and Sioux Red's wife Mrs. Jaraya Blue was captured. At sunrise, Sioux Red and Sioux Red Jr. awoke tied up in front of their headquarters, 100 Decaf Squad boys surrounding the building and Seedy Buba standing stage center, with Jaraya Blue kneeling in front of him at gunpoint. Buba demanded the surrender of Coffee Haus 10 in exchange for Jaraya's life. Red was conflicted, but agreed to surrender. Buba had his soldiers light Coffee Haus 10 on fire. The smell of roasted beans filled the air, and tears filled the eyes of the Red family. Sioux was thrown into the flames and left to die...

However, the rope he was bound with burned away before he could lose consciousness, and in a powerful rage he ran further into the flames, burning his flesh but grabbing his cursed machine guns. He burst out of the building, smelling of that sweet, sweet Gambian coffee. He untied his son and wife, they geared up, and opened fire on the Decaf Squad. The imprisoned Coffee Haus Mages were still tied up, and the surviving Decaf Squad began executing them. Sioux Red Jr. found a way over and freed some of them. Sioux Red senior tackled Seedy Buba into the bushes and bashed his other eye out with one of his guns, and then proceeded to shoot him in each and every limb before dragging him into the fire to die. Coffee Haus 10 fell temporarily that day, but Sioux Red and the Mages were no longer on defense. Their skills as warriors quickly split the remaining Decaf Squad members into disarray and most recognized the cause as being dead without Starbucks or their commander. The war seemed to be over, and Coffee Haus 10 remained in possession of Sioux Red and Aleksey Pivovarov.

In February 2015, Aleksey was called to the Starbucks national headquarters in Seattle, Washington where we was confronted directly by Karl Marx Gurevich, with his teenage son Dmitriy Gurevich standing silently by his side. Karl admitted defeat, claiming that they should be "united" by their love of coffee, and not "torn apart." Aleksey was confused, as he had sided with Karl for most of the war. Karl looked away, and said "Yosef wasn't responsible for the Crash of Lithuania." Aleksey's eyes widened, then he reeled in horror and left without saying another word.

He found Yosef at KOFFEBUS in Omsk and told him that Gurevich was responsible for the Crash of Lithuania. They hugged, and got on a plane back to Washington, where they followed Gurevich into a dark alley and beat him unconscious while his son watched, eyes half-hidden in manga. Yosef and Aleksey began an awkward truce with each other and eventually with Karl. After the first family reunion/Starbucks flag raising at the Kepelkeker Farms in years, they all travelled to the Gambia together. They separated when Aleksey went to go manage the now rebuilt Coffee Haus 10 for a few months.

During this time, Yosef fell in love with who he thought was just a friend of Aleksey's, Aisha Mankita.

Dmitriy Gurevich, whose childhood had been ruined over his parents' coffee-based greed, began to write a manifesto and watched the first speech of presidential candidate Adama Barrow.

Aleksey travelled back to the United States in early 2016. Yosef remained there until after his marriage to Aisha Mankita in June of that year, and the Gurevich family remained much longer while Karl attempted to buy the ruins of Coffee Haus 3 from the national government of the Gambia. Their lives would be forever changed when Dmitriy Gurevich would poison the Gambia's coffee supplies (excluding Coffee Haus 10).