Blood Lite

## Authors

 Kelley Armstrong

 Charlaine Harris

 Sherrilyn Kenyon

  Nancy Holder

 Jim Butcher

* ebook
* Print

**An Anthology of Humorous Horror Stories Presented by the Horror Writers Association (Dark-Hunter World)** edited by Kevin J. Anderson.

## About the Book

* Genre and Sub-Genres: Urban Fantasy, Horror, Humor
* Theme: Humorous Horror
* Contributors:

## Description

The Horror Writers Association Presents

**BLOOD LITE**
...a collection of entertaining tales that puts the fun back into dark fiction, with ironic twists and tongue-in-cheek wit to temper the jagged edge.

Charlaine Harris reveals the dark side of going green, when a quartet of die-hard environmentalists hosts a fundraiser with a gory twist in "An Evening with Al Gore"...In an all-new Dresden Files story from Jim Butcher, when it comes to tracking deadly paranormal doings, there's no such thing as a "Day Off" for the Chicago P.D.'s wizard detective, Harry Dresden...Sherrilyn Kenyon turns a cubicle-dwelling MBA with no life into a demon-fighting seraph with one hell of an afterlife in "Where Angels Fear to Tread"...Celebrity necromancer Jaime Vegas is headlining a sold-out séance tour, but behind the scenes, a disgruntled ghost has a bone to pick, in Kelley Armstrong's "The Ungrateful Dead." Plus tales guaranteed to get under your skin -- in a good way -- from

Janet Berliner Don D'Ammassa Nancy Holder Nancy KilpatrickJ. A. Konrath and F. Paul Wilson Joe R. Lansdale Will LudwigsenSharyn McCrumb Mark Onspaugh Mike Resnick Steven SavileD. L. Snell Eric James Stone Jeff Strand Lucien Soulban Matt Venne Christopher Welch

So let the blood flow and laughter reign -- because when it comes to facing our deepest, darkest fears, a little humor goes a long way!

## Companion Books

* Blood Lite II: Overbite (2010)
* Blood Lite III: Aftertaste (2012)

## Stories

*The Ungrateful Dead* by Kelley Armstrong — Women of the Otherworld series #8.2
Jaime is being heckled by a rich, spoiled brat of a ghost who seems to think she “serves the dead,” all while on her séance tour too! Her partner in crime in this story in Savannah who is the ward of Paige from Dime Store Magic and Industrial Magic. — First Sentence: I see dead people. Unfortunately, they also see me.
*Mr. Bear* by Joe R. Lansdale
The story is about Smokey the Bear, though he never comes right out and says it. The main character is a man named Jim who this bear sits down next to on a plane and proceeds to brag about all the tail (though that isn’t quite the word he used) he gets and in general be disgusting. Then their plane gets stranded at their layover and then the “fun” begins. Mr. Bear and Jim have a night on the town, get in some trouble, and then make their way to Yellowstone Park. Mr. Bear is slightly insane so Jim doesn’t have much choice in what happens after he gets off that plane. — First Sentence: Jim watched as the plane filled up.
*Hell in a Handbasket* by Lucien Soulban
A baby is left at the mouth of Hell and the only question is who is going to get to eat her? This takes place in what in Dante’s Hell among many other cultures and religions and includes several demons from history such as Mastema, Gressil, Harpy, Furfur, Vassago (he appeared in Dean Koontz’s book Hideaway), Mammon, and even ones from other cultures too (Heaven makes an appearance as well). Only Vassago knows what the child is and how to deal with her which the demons that want her for supper soon figure out themselves. — First Sentence: The basket sat at the foot of the Inferno’s red-hot, iron-wrought gates, below the steaming plate that read *Abandon all hope, ye who enter here*!
*The Eldritch Pastiche from Beyond the Shadow of Horror* by Christopher Welch
Addicted to writing what amounts to bad horror fanfiction of the Cthulu mythos, Chris seeks help. — First Sentence: I went through the motions, the ritualistic motions I had done hundreds of times.
*Elvis Presley and the Bloodsucker Blues* by Matt Vene

Elvis becomes a vampire which is why he stopped making movies and started Viva Las Vegas as well as how he got fat, (instead of biting people he started having blood transfusions) and eventually, setting the record straight on how he died. Everyone but the press knows about it too. — A vampire Elvis who just happens to be a vampire hunter and the story plays with the myths of Elvis and brings a lot of real life things to the story. — First Sentence: Well, ain’t this just a kicker?
*No Problem* by Don D’Ammassa
A scientist studying biochemistry at Brown University discovers some old family journals and learns that he’s the great-great-great grandson of Viktor Frankenstein. After reading some of Frankenstein’s accounts, Herbert Franken throws out his research and begins his studies anew. He says, “Please don’t get the impression that I had suddenly turned into some kind of mad scientist. I had no intention of digging up dead bodies at midnight, erecting a lightening rod on my roof, or stealing brains from Brown University.” However, when he accidentally kills his nosy next door neighbor is when it starts to get hairy. — First Sentence: I swear I had good intentions.
*Old School* by Mark Onspaugh
It’s only a little over 3 pages long. A group of teenagers get together to try to raise a corpse, mostly to impress the Goth girl one of them has a crush on. Of course their plans go awry. — First Sentence: “And arise!”
*The Sound of Blunder* by J.A. Konrath & F. Paul Wilson
About two small time crooks Mick and Willie. After (Mick the Mick’s partner in crime’s Nana bakes a pound cake using a key of cocaine that they were holding for a mobster, they need to figure out a way to come up with some money quick because after all, “no junkie is going to snort baked goods.” So they hit upon the idea of robbing the Pennsylvania Museum of Natural History and Baseball Cards where they hope to steal an artifact but end up getting sent through time. This story was inspired by Ray Bradbury’s The Sound of Thunder. — First 2 Sentences: “We’re dead! We’re freakin’ dead!”
*An Evening with Al Gore* by Charlaine Harris
The supernatural reaction to Al Gore saying we should green up. A couple of hardcore environmentalists, Toddy and Mark are werewolves who take going green deadly serious and host a party for some of the worst environmental offenders. — First Sentence: Toddy Makepeace had seen Al Gore speak the previous spring, and a year later she hadn’t quite gotten over it.
*Dear Prudence* by Steven Savile
Steven Savile’s main character Miller is writing his lovely wife a quick note to let her know he’s going out and then proceeds to fantasize about what he’d really love to say to her in the story Dear Prudence. Each letter more disturbing than the previous though there is no real supernatural element involved in this one. — First Sentence: Miller held the pen poised over the scrap of paper, thinking about what he would write.
*A Good Psycho is Hard to Find* by Will Ludwigsen
Chet and his girlfriend Misty find life dull. After fighting off a psychopath with a chainsaw at a camp where they were counselors, the two seek to recapture that rush. However, ‘Bungee jumping and race-car school didn’t capture the same feeling. The risk was too arbitrary, accidental. [He] needed the personal touch of another human being going out of his or her way to kill [him], not the capricious hand of fate.” Just how are they going to get that feeling back? — First Sentence: At least with the Chainsaw Guy, you always knew where you stood.
*High Kicks and Misdemeanors* by Janet Berliner
Legs Cleaveland is a Las Vegas “self-styled talent scout with a penchant for long-legged chorines.” After a couple of dead bodies show up near him and he needs some advice one what to do, he heads to his great-uncle Willie Downtown, the scariest loan shark in the city. He’s a great believer in his spirit guide, which happens to be an ostrich and there are some people using his and other ostriches to further their own political agenda. — First Sentence: Most things that happen in Vegas stay in Vegas because no one outside the city would believe them.
*PR Problems* by Eric James Stone
Mr. Ahsani the ghoul (which transforms into a hyena and is not undead in the slightest but does eat carrion) is sick of vampires and werewolves getting all the good press while he’s stuck at a custodian job in PR Problems by Eric James Stone. He soon discovers the serial killer that the press nicknamed the “Grove City Ghoul” actually is living in his building, what is he going to do? Mr. Ahsani is a ghoul but he’s not a killer, he’s genuinely relieved when one of his neighbors arrives home because it means she didn’t get snatched by the killer, and he tries to rescue someone when he probably could have gotten away first. Altogether not a bad guy… if you look past the eating dead flesh part. — First Sentence: What annoys me the most about vampires and werewolves is their good PR.
*Where Angels Fear to Tread* by Sherrilyn Kenyon — Dark-Hunter series #14.5, Hellchasers #0.5
Working a dead-end job where he constantly gets screamed at by callers, Zeke is in for a bit of a shock once he inherits some things from his estranged granduncle. One of those things is a medallion with something special about it. See how Zeke got his powers! — First Sentence: “From humble beginnings come great things.”

*A Very Special Girl* by Mike Resnick
Harry the Book has appeared in other stories by this author. In this one, Harry’s employee Dead End Dugan falls in love and gives Harry’s three grand away. So of course he sets out to retrieve it. — First Sentence: "I am reading the Daily Racing Form in my temporary office, which is the third booth at Joey Chicago’s 3-Star Tavern, and coming to the conclusion that six trillion to one on Flyaway in the fifth at Saratoga is a bit of an underlay, as there is no way this horse gets within twenty lengths of the winner on a fast track, a slow track, or a muddy track, I have my doubts that even a rain of toads moves him up more than two lengths."
*Love Seat Solitaire* by D.L. Snell
A bunch of bachelor guys are sitting around playing Street Fighter when the apartment’s poltergeist starts to act up. At first it just little things but then soon as one of the characters puts it, “Casper’s gone Michael Myers on us.” Better do what he wants or else! — First Sentence: “Dude,“ Jess said, pushing up his glasses, “the kitchen table’s floating again.”
*I Know Who You Ate Last Summer* by Nancy Holder
Rock star cannibals are next. Angelo and Dwight have been friends since they were kids and it was Angelo with his trust fund that got them to Hollywood and set up to be musicians. However, it was Dwight that helped them both discover the love of human flesh. Now someone is sending text messages saying they know who they ate last summer and their lives are never going to be the same. — First Sentence: “That should be ‘whom,’” Carla M. said, “and that’s part of the problem.”
*Bitches of the Night* by Nancy Kirkpatrick
Nancy Kirkpatrick explores how Dracula (in this case a vampire named Istvan) would have felt if all his brides were modern women in Bitches of the Night. Poor Istvan is sick and tired of being henpecked by his brides when all he wants to do is relax, drink a little O Negative and watch re-runs on TV. — First 2 Sentences: “Dis night, you vill take two each, a male and a female. And dis time, no AB negative!”
*The Bell… FROM HELL!!!* by Jeff Strand
A guy named Howie buys The Bell… FROM HELL!!! However, none of his coworkers believe him so they constantly tease him about it. Finally fed up with their teasing, Howie decides to ring the bell the required six hundred and sixty-six times to prove once and for all that he has a bell to summon Satan. — First Sentence: I own a bell forged by Satan himself.
*Dead Hand* by Sharyn McCrumb
This time about a little failing team of drivers who do things the old way still and are losing badly until their Cherokee chief mechanic works up a bit of magic to bring back the ghost of driver known as The Champ who had died in a plane crash. — First Sentence: I don’t hold with talking to dead people.
*Day Off* by Jim Butcher — The Dresden Files series #10.1
Harry Dresden, “Chicago’s only professional wizard, shamus of the supernatural, gumshoe of the ghostly, and wiseguy of the weird is looking forward to his Day Off in Jim Butcher’s short story however, someone up there is bound and determined that he doesn’t get to rest. First, some wizard-wannabes start harassing him, then his assistant proceeds to accidentally blow up his lab, and finally two of his friends that occasionally shift into wolves have a problem and need his help as well. Will Harry ever get to go one his date? Jim Butcher is a well-known, award-winning author of the Dresden Files series of which Day Off takes place. — First Sentence: The thief was examining another trapped doorway when I heard something-- the tromp of approaching feet.