277: Your Marriage Is a Win-Win for Me

## Summary

The potent smoke causes Rosco to become enraged at his missing dog, and Will to drum uncontrollably. Batthwack drags Will away, the struggle bringing him back to his senses. Continuing on their way, the party reaches the bottom of the shaft where they find two braziers that are producing the smoke, and Raphina locates Rosco's dog behind a large door, blocked by an even larger guard.

## Synopsis

Rosco's anger at his dog wells up inside him. *"I could kill 'im!"* he growls, but his voice is almost lost under Will's incessant drumming, which is becoming more and more frenzied. Fearing Will may actually have a heart attack, Batthwack steps in and puts his arm around him, using his weight to pull Will backwards away from the drums. The dragonborn's strength and Will's determination are so equally matched that sweat pours down Will's face as he resists with all his might, grabbing on to the drum with one hand and continuing to drum with the other. Eventually the strain bursts a blood vessel in Will's eye and whatever was in his system seems to get driven out by the intensity of his efforts.

Will comes round and can't believe it when they explain what he had been doing, having no recollection of events himself. Disturbed by the mind-altering effects of the smoke, Will insists they get out of here immediately, but Batthwack suggests they head onwards since they're so close to the bottom now. The smoke seems to be at it's most intense in this room only. *"We have to stop it. If we just go back, we're avoiding the problem,"* he says. Rosco's very impatient and doesn't need convincing. He heads down the room towards the lower exit and Raphina is right behind him.

Once out of the room, the haze is much reduced. There's a final set of stairs spiraling around the edge of the chasm, leading down to the the base below where the orange flickering light is pretty bright. The source of the light still can't be seen, but it seems that they're very close to it now. Batthwack feels like they should be preparing themselves for the worst. Will ties a handkerchief around his face. The others take note, Raphina wrapping her hair over her nose, Batthwack gripping his shield in one hand and pulling the corner of his *Cloak of Billowing* over his face with the other, and Rosco putting fixing his hat over his face. Raphina also grabs Pippa and holds her under her arm like some kind of battering ram or weapon.

Will suggests Rosco call his dog, but Rosco's not even sure if he'd respond, especially given his owner's angry mood. Raphina suggests calling to him using her *Speak with Animals* spell; she'd sound like a dog, so it wouldn't raise suspicion. *"Rosco dog! Dog Rosco!"* she woofs loudly. *"There's a person here named Rosco who is looking for you. Where are you? Are you in danger? Can we find you? Where are you?"* No-one else can hear it, but Raphina is able to discern a very distant voice, perhaps in response, calling *"Help! Help!"* Because the spell has been cast, she can't tell if it's a person or an animal, but both her and Rosco are convinced it must be his dog, so they rush off down the stairs.

The stairs wind their way down to the bottom of this worm-hewn pit, which is a relatively small area given the tapering sides of the chasm. From down here, the top where they had first entered is at a dizzying height above them. The stairs terminate in a circular chamber at the bottom, which extends out a little wider, underneath the area they'd descended. The east and west sides of the room each have an archway opening that leads into rooms beyond, filled with bright orange-reddish light, the source of the glow they'd seen from above. Under the stairs on the north end of the room is a large metal door guarded by a physically impressive figure in armour, carrying a large sword. They're a tall and heavy-set human with circles around their eyes. They don't move or speak as the party descends, but their eyes follow them closely.

If Raphina is nervous, it doesn't show as she hastily introduces herself and then calls out to Rosco's dog, in dog-speak. This time, they can all hear a dog whimpering from behind the door, which Raphina can understand to be saying *"Help! Help! I'm trapped! I can't get out! I'm hungry!"* The guard continues to eyeball them all keenly, but Raphina cannot get a response from him. Faced with the sudden reality of the situation, Rosco's rage seems to have abated and he hangs back, looking more just like a pathetic little old man.

Will, on the other hand, who is still disguised as Mr Greenman, folds his arms and tries his best to look tough. He steps forward and in a *Message* to emulate the ibish's telepathic communication, says to the guard *"Are you gonna kiss me or kill me?"* The guard's deadpan response is spoken out loud. *"I'm not going to kiss you."* Batthwack looks confused having not heard Will's initial question, thinking that this is the most unusual start to a battle he's ever seen. Will steps towards the door confidently, but the guard doesn't move. Will repeats the phrase but switched round, *"So are you gonna kill me or kiss me?"* and gets the same response. *"Then kill me,"* Will says in another *Message* and goes for the door. The guard doesn't budge and says *"Where are you going?"* Sensing the situation could go south any moment, Batthwack casts *Sanctuary* on Will.

Suddenly Rosco finds his courage and speaks up. *"The boss sent us down. These folks here have been sent in to take a look at the prisoner."* *"Opo sent you?"* replies the guard. *"No-one said you were coming. Opo tells me when someone's coming."* Rosco tries to convince the guard that the boss got distracted by a commotion caused by a *Zone of Truth* spell at an upper level. The guard seems doubtful and says ominously, *Opo's gonna be here soon. We can ask him."*

## Trivia

* The episode titles quotes Adam who was speaking following Alex's poetic recap. *"Alex, this is what I want to say: Ever since knowing you and Abby, we've all kind of joked that, you know, if someday you were out of the picture, I would get with Abby. But like, you just wrote a fucking awesome, beautiful, powerful poem, recap. And now I'm like, Abby, get the fuck out of here!"* Abby: *"I knew this would happen! I knew it!"* Adam: *"Basically, your marriage is a win-win for me, because regardless of who goes first, I'm left with somebody absolutely just brilliant and beautiful. I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled."* Alex: *"Adam, that makes me feel great, thanks."*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: monumental.

## Recap

This episode featured Alex doing a recap in the form of poem:

We stand at the top, gaping down as rhythms pound our ears

Rosco feels the literal wormhole below, reeling into something vital

Batthwack translates downward in practical rectilinear motion

What lies ahead? Will urges caution

We might get dirty, or worse (poop)

Magic eye, a shiny little marble yo-yos on threads

Melyuganar? You there?

Rhythms pound our heads while we sprint bridges stretched over chasms

We dangle from ladders that cling to stone

Tubes unnaturally burrow into unyielding sheer cliffs

We enter and rhythms pound our chests

Chambers open to frenetic bodies taking a chance on dice

Do they know the stakes of gang membership?

Will and Rosco circumscribe this room like soot circumscribes eyes

Batthwack ends a fistfight, but it is too little for such a big room

Next chamber... Rhythms pound our limbs and now our dreams come true

Could it be the mythical poop room foretold?

Prestidigitate! Damn! Prestidigitate!

But it's too little for such a small room

Next chamber... Rhythms pound behind our eyes

Fists, blood, soot

Cracking knuckles, taut ligaments, abrasions, shouts and howls

Do they enjoy fighting? Or are they dreaming?

Batthwack compels some to honest inner thought in a Zone of Truth

For a moment at least a few stagger away to bed unsure of themselves, perhaps

Another chamber... Rhythms pound in our minds and everything is vaguely obscured in soot and vaporous haze

Will, breathe the mind altering music

Rosco, sink beneath the vapours

And you Batthwack, Kek! Kek!

Help us Raphina inchworm the gaseous perimeter and make it stop!

Where's the source?

Will breathes deeply and begins to drum

I think it sounds great to him, if not to us

## References

1. ↑ Adam describes Rosco's hair: "He's got long, wispy, white hair coming out from under the hat. It's a mixture of flat and frizzy. Frazzled. It manages to be flat and volumeless and frizzy at the same time."
2. ↑ It is indeed canon that when Raphina casts *Speak with Animals*, to others around her she sounds like the type of animal she's speaking to. See episode 179: Little Deer Lips
3. ↑ Sooty Gang member Pip's coded welcome to Will at the Staircase Footrace was *"Are you here to punch me or kiss me?"* See episode 263: I Need Some More...Rhinoplasty