General Graardor

## Examine

I wouldn't want to drop my soap while he's watching.

## Attack speed

Lazy af (45 seconds)

General Graardor is an overgrown goblin who lives in a dank cellar, in the back of some old cave known as God Wars Dungeon. He also plays a role in the quest Cook's Assistant.

Graardor's defences are so high that players often spend 40 minutes on one kill. Therefore it's more efficient to just kill normal goblins for xp and money.

## History

* He was born in the Goblin Ghetto of Lumbridge, back in the late Second Age. His father was a notorious ranarr dealer and his mother a notorious ranarr cleaner. As a child he often spent his days strangling the ducks of River Lum and throwing decapitated frogs at the guards at Al Kharid gate.

* When Graardor was 9, his father somehow drowned in a bucket of water. Soon after, his mother went to buy a tinderbox from Lumbridge General Store, but never returned. Abandoned and angry, Graardor joined a local goblin gang called Shrimpfuckers. Thanks to his ruthless nature and hard fists, he quickly ascended the ranks and became the leader of the gang.

* When Graardor was 15, he and his gang robbed the Varrock Apothecary. They grabbed a sackful of herbs and a big crate full of strength potions, and hid in a nearby cave. Since Graardor wasn't exactly the sharpest sword of the drop table, he had no idea how to use a strength potion. So he decided to inject the potion directly to his brain. Soon his muscles started to twitch, he began to shake violently, and his pupils expanded like Nieve's pussy on a trip to hill giants. He began to see hallucinations of wearable goblin mails and 2500 flying saradomin brews. Finally he passed out in a pool of cave crawler feces.

* After waking up, he noticed that he had become almost twice as big. He would then repeat the injections for multiple years, until he ran out of strength potion. He had become the second biggest goblin ever to live, and the whole Misthalin feared him. He terrorised the towns and villages by smashing buildings into tiny pieces with his fists.

## The War

* A few years later began the Third Age, and Graardor was forced to join The Great Goblin Army. As the most efficient killing machine of the whole army, he got promoted all the way up to Captain, after having served for only 2 years. Soon after, the mutant goblin called Bandos ascended to godhood, and assumed control of all goblinkind. Graardor was chosen as the leader of the Army of Bandos, and from that day he has been known as General Graardor.

* Near the end of the war, he retreated into a damp cellar in the back of the icy caves under the trolly mountains. Angered by their failure at obtaining the Godsword, he began to drink hobgoblin vodka to numb his rage. The drinking-bout ended up lasting three centuries, and Graardor woke up with the worst hangover in the history of Gielinor. Alienated from the outside world, he could no longer tolerate sunlight, or the seagulls who used to shit on him just because he was an easy target. He became the prisoner of his cellar, until an unknown person freed him through intense therapy.

## The End

* Graardor is finally killed by an adventurer during the Cook's Assistant quest. Graardor is tricked to destroy the pillars holding the ceiling of Dorgesh-Kaan, and the ceiling collapses on him, turning him into an organic floor decoration.