247: He Still Doesn't Know He's on a Podcast

## Summary

Arriving at the bottom of the Grand Staircase, the group find themselves in the Scarlet Market, where Will buys some bull frog sac shoes for Raphina. Gwen approaches a suspicious looking half-orc herb seller who turns out to be someone she knows, and he escapes, terrified. Gwen is forced to explain their history to Batthwack: the half-orc is Gene Dudas, a nefarious type who lost his arm and his wife during a violent run in with Gwen during her travelling days.

## Synopsis

The party continue making their way down the Grand Staircase. Gwen finds herself wondering if there's a bustling nightlife in Beartoggle and Sheemie says that's what he's heard about the city, when he was living over in Morrow's Inlet. Raphina warns him not to believe everything he hears, but confirms that in this case the rumours are true. Despite the fact that they ate already, Will's stomach is growling. Batthwack wonders about what Will's life was like back in Tivoli, and whether he'll be served by a butler when he has his own place there.

Raphina has apparently been counting the steps on the Grand Staircase, because when they eventually reach the bottom, they discover that there are precisely 1,699 steps. She casts *Stone Shape* and creates an extra step at the bottom to achieve the round number. Then, as if writing in wet cement, she signs her creation with "RWBGM", before realising that Mo isn't there, and hurriedly crosses out the M.

The group take in their surroundings at the bottom of the Grand Staircase with the Toggle Dam towering up behind them. The Grand Staircase empties out into a small market square, which is apparently a natural point where city folk start/finish their journey to/from the top of the dam. There's people milling about everywhere and though it's not night yet, it is bustling. There are stalls everywhere in this area close to the bottom of the stairs. Many of them are selling refreshments for weary travellers having just come down, or for those preparing to go back up. There's lots of different things to look at. The party sees a nearby stall where people can sign up for the Grand Staircase Footrace. Nearby there is also a shoe vendor selling footwear. Halfway around the small square someone catches their eye: a large, hooded figure apparently selling herbs. Off at the far corner of the square, a tall woman with short pink hair is animatedly yelling something across the crowd, who seem to be giving her a wide berth, skirting around her and avoiding eye contact. The group can't make out what she's saying at this distance.

Looking aorund, Will notes that Raphina does blend in here, with many of the city folk wearing similar clothes to her. The majority of people here are halflings, making Gwen, Will and Sheemie feel slightly conspicuous. Batthwack, however, feels right at home and even notices some here have similar hair to him.

   Raphina wanders off in the direction of the shouting woman, causing Will to feel suddenly panicked, before remembering that this is Raphina's home town. He looks around, taking in the various areas of the city that he can see visible from here and Raphina gabbles away excitedly pointing out everything in sight. The area they're in now is part of the Scarlet Market, an area with lots of different entertainments, including a "Carry Okay" district The area of Beartoggle called Highground is described as a "highfalutin" area of the city with lots of good shopping and a temple district. The Warrens are primarily a residential district. Tinkertown is full of craftsmen and such and is the location of the famed Beartoggle University. Green Grove is pretty much exclusively the location of the Pineapple War Memorial Garden. In the northeast is a wooded area with farmland called The Shade.

The group follow along behind Raphina as she wanders towards the shouting lady. Gwen is keeping an eye out for anyone dressed in similar garments to Hilula, i.e. members of the city guard, but doesn't see anyone of that description. Will is following, but as they pass the shoe seller, he cannot resist having a closer look. The stand is staffed by an older halfling man, whose shoes are all displayed on the counter. The shoes are all made from white leather. There are a variety of sizes, though mostly they are small. To Will's disappointed eye, they're not fashionable. The vendor pipes up, *"You're looking for a pair of shoes there, eh? Well these will put a bounce in your step. Looking to make your way up the staircase? You sign up for the race? Looking for a little edge in the competition?"* He goes on to explain that many people have signed up for the race. Demonstrating his shoes, he shows Will that they have a small tube at the back, which he blows down, causing something to happen underneath the heel. *"Your shoe is pumped up, and it has the energy to take you further and farther and faster and harder and stronger."*

Will looks around at Raphina, trying his best to work out her shoe size. The shoe seller agrees with his guess and tells him that the shoes are 10gp. Will's quite interested in getting Raphina a pair, but first wants a demonstration of these "pumped up" shoes. He's slightly skeptical, not that he actually suspects the shoe seller is a con man or anything, but perhaps he's just a little unsure of himself. Will quizzes him about the shoes and the halfling explains he invented them and also that they're very well constructed, *"made from the finest bullfrog vocal sacs in all of the land."* They do in fact croak when you use them, he explains. When Will insists on a demonstration, the seller slides one of the larger pairs across to him. He inflates them for Will, who tentatively puts one of them on. It's certainly a very comfortable shoe. Looking around embarrassedly he takes a few careful steps and indeed there is a low, quite croak with each one. Will agrees to a sale, but asks for a pair in Raphina's size. *"And if they break I'm going to come back and burn your stall down."* The seller seems to take this in his stride. He also advises that the inflation lasts about an hour, before they'd need reinflating.

Will asks the halfling if he can make really large shoes and indicates over at Gwen. He says he has a large pair, but they might be too tight. He can custom make them but it'd take a few days to obtain the materials, etc, *"I'd have to get more vocal sacs, there's harvest time and you have to dry out the sacs."* This is too much information for Will, who tries playing hardball, but the seller is adamant that he cannot and will not sacrifice quality for speed. Will angrily slaps down the money for Raphina's pair, but says he's not commissioning a custom pair. *"Nobody wants frog sac shoes"* he says as he walks off with his brand new pair of frog sac shoes.

Elsewhere in the market, Gwen's nostrils catch a whiff of the herbs being sold at the stand staffed by the hooded figure. Raphina seems busy wending her way towards the shouting lady, so she goes over to take a closer look, wondering if there could be any useful ingredients for her there. As she approaches, she sees what appears to be a mixture of fresh and dried herbs being sold, but notes that oddly the hooded vendor isn't making much of an effort to attract attention to them. She also spots signs at the stand which are advertising these as medicinal herbs, rather than those used in cooking. Something about this apparently severly arouses her suspicions, and she changes course, heading off in Raphina's direction instead. She goes up to Batthwack, who's been following along behind Will, and suggests he go and subtley check out the herbs and see if he can find out the vendor's name.

As Batthwack approaches the herb stand, the hooded person gestures at their wares and grunts encouragingly. Batthwack can see that under the hood that the herb seller is a half-orc. They're not familiar to him at all, having only ever known one other half-orc. He looks down at the herbs as casually as possible, but really isn't sure what he's looking at. Some have little flowers on them, some are more leafy, and some have some dirt still attached, but that's really all he can discern. He asks how much one of the leafy ones is and a gruff voice tells him it's sage, which is 5cp a bunch. Batthwack hands over the 5cp and introduces himself, asking *"What's your name?"* *"Oh. Gene"* replies the half-orc. As Gene takes the money, Batthack notices that he does so using the same hand that he also handed him the sage with. His slightly awkward physicality suggests he has one arm.

Batthwack goes back over to Gwen and shows her the sage he bought, saying *"Gene told me this was sage"*. To Batthwack's surprise, Gwen smacks the herbs straight out of his hand. *"Do not eat that. Do not touch that. Don't even have that around."* She says she'll pay Batthwack whatever he spent on it, and without thinking he jokingly says he spent 10 gold. Gwen doesn't even appear to notice this; she seems quite flustered. She goes on to explain that she doesn't trust Gene's herbs, saying that she just had a bad feeling about him, like he seems evil. Batthwack can see what she means.

A moment later, Gwen excuses herself for a second and then makes her way over to the herb stand. Batthwack is intrigued and follows her. At the stand, Gwen gets Gene's attention and as soon he looks up, they immediately recognise each other. They lock eyes for a brief moment, before the half-orc turns and runs.

Batthwack doesn't hesitate in giving chase. Just as Gene darts between two buildings, he catches up with him, and not wanting to risk any more magical malfunctions, tackles the half-orc to the ground. As Gwen makes her way over, Batthwack asks Gene *"Why are you running?"* The half-orc pulls out a knife but Batthwack has him pretty well pinned, so he's not able to strike him with it. Batthwack repeats the question but Gene only strikes at him again, this time drawing blood. Batthwack slams him into the ground and repeats the question a third time. Gene is still trying to stab Batthwack as tears roll down his face.

Batthwack speaks quietly to Gene just as Gwen approaches, *"Look, I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you. Just tell me what's going on."* *"Keep her away from me!"* cries Gene, completely terrified. *"I don't know what you're doing here, selling your shit"* spits Gwen angrily. *"Fine! I'll leave! I'll leave! Just don't hurt me again!"* says Gene and Batthwack looks at Gwen, wondering out loud what she could have done to him that he's so afraid of her. *"She ripped my arm off! She killed my wife!"* cries Gene. Batthwack can't comprehend what he's hearing. *"Gwen?"* he says. *"Just let him go."* she replies calmly. Batthwack releases Gene, who scurries to his feet and dashes away.

Gwen asks Batthwack not to tell anyone else if she explains what just happened. She says the half-orc's name is Gene Dudas. After leaving her home, before settling in Morrow's Inlet, she stayed with Gene and his wife who had opened their house to her. She helped out on their farm growing herbs and vegetables. While she was there, the nearby town was struck by a strange sickness. Gwen discovered that Gene and his wife were poisoning the produce they were selling to the town and offering overpriced "medicinal" herbs to the townsfolk as a cure. She explains how upset she was by this and that when she confronted them about it *"things just got a little ugly, I guess."* *"You ripped his arm off? Did you kill his wife?"* asks Batthwack. Gwen squirms awkwardly before admitting that she did. Gwen tries to explain, saying that she can lose control when she gets mad. She says she was trying to be nice when she first confronted them, but they escalated it and tried to hurt her. She describes what happened as self-defence.

Gwen says she left right after the fight and hadn't seen him since. Batthwack now realises why Gwen didn't want him touching the herbs. She says she feels really bad about what happened. Batthwack says *"I guess I do know that sometimes we do things we don't intend to. Things we can't seem to undo. Even if we try."* *"They were not good people. It's okay, because they weren't good people. Right?"* asks Gwen. Batthwack agrees that what they were doing had to be stopped. He promises to keep this all a secret and Gwen says she appreciates that because she's not comfortable with what certain other members of the party would say. They make their way back to the rest of the group.

Raphina is really beginning to feel more at home. Now that the dam is behind her, this market feels much more like the Beartoggle she remembers. She finally reaches the other side of the square and approaches the shouting woman, noting that she doesn't look familiar. Her shouting at the crowd is now clearly like that of a crazy, open-air preacher. She's an elf of unknown age, though she doesn't look old. She has a crazed look, her hair is sticking up and she has no shoes on, stood up on a little box. *"Where is the Anglerfish?! Did it swim off to Carnivar?! Or did it join the Sooty Gang and burn down the airship tower?! No! Something has happened to it! Something bad! Where is the Anglerfish?!"* Everybody seems to be walking past and ignoring her. Raphina calls out to her *"Excuse me, Auntie! Excuse me!"*

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Eric, who had just shown the players the map of Beartoggle and talked them through the areas they could see. Abby: *"Okay, sounds like Batthwack has a plan. He says he's going to Tinkertown."* KT: *"He typed it, he didn't say it out loud."* Eric: *"He still doesn't know he's on a podcast!"* Alex (deliberately): *"I'm going to Tinkertown!"* Eric: *"Yaaaaaayyy!"* *<Thunderous applause>*
* Snickers commercial with Joe Pesci and Don Rickles on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MixNh9L7G5M
* The "Don't Be Suspicious" bit from Parks and Recreation on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aswgTPlzazo
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: resplendent.

## Recap Song

Recap to the tune of *Hotel California* by The Eagles:

*Verse 1:*

On a bright sunlit river, fondant in my hair

Warm smell of vitamin cheese rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance we saw a really big dam

Our boat grew bigger and Mo stayed to make sure Hilula didn't scram

After such a long journey we really needed a room

But with Will in the party, the search would surely be doomed

But then we saw a weird building built over the spillway

There was a sign near the front door... What the heck did it say?

*Chorus:*

Welcome to the Inn (comma) Dam Top

Maybe a lovely place... Will makes a sceptical face

Only three vacant rooms at the Hotel Dam Top Inn

Let's discuss this at length... Let us gather our strength

*Verse 2:*

Batthwack's stomach was twisted; he's vegetarian

He found a lot of pretty, pretty corns and he chose them

Gwen was after some noodles and sweet, big meat balls

Some like them cooked medium, but Gwen likes them cooked raw

Raphina ordered up some gravy fries, said *"Please bring on my cheese,"* and Will said

*"I fear that stuff will give me nineteen types of disease"*

And that Grand Staircase race is just two days away

Though we're sleepless in the middle of the night, we need a place to stay

*Chorus:*

Welcome to the Inn (comma) Dam Top

Will you stay in room three? Batthwack's taking the key

We're divvying up rooms at the Inn (comma) Dam Top

Gwen's got those penthouse suites, she'll probably fill it with raw meats

## References

1. ↑ Batthwack and Will's contract stipulated that Will would find Batthwack a place to live in Tivoli when he's been safely delivered there.
2. ↑ Alex's theory is that Will is grumpy because he's always hungry, but he reckons Will would have eaten well back in Tivoli. KT responds with this nugget about Will: *"He didn't have a lot of self care. But he did eat well, at times. That's for sure."* KT reminds us that Will was introduced in ep1 as eating dinner alone at home, being served by his butler. See episode 1: This is Nowhere Near the Staggering Unicorn
3. ↑ Eric confirms that *"roughly around 1100 feet is the distance from the bottom of the dam to the top"*
4. ↑ Raphina and Hilula mentioned both the Scarlet Market and "Carry Okay" when trying to convinve Will to come here. See episode 188: Guys, Did You See What I Just Did To Him?
5. ↑ This is the shaded area on the map
6. ↑ Denise rolled a 2 for perception!
7. ↑ Though Batthwack has met Curtis of course. See episodes 106: Wah, I'm an Iguana and 107: Clearly, You've Never Tried To Use a Cat As a Mop Before, 188: Guys, Did You See What I Just Did To Him? and 225: The Dead Among You Have Nothing to Fear
8. ↑ Abby explains that "Auntie" is a typical Beartoggle form of addressing one's elders (and in the next episode, a general term of respect)