Crazy for Candy

**Crazy for Candy** is episode 46a of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on July 1, 2000.

## Synopsis

Osborne must give Principal Walker all of his candy, or else Walker will literally explode.

## Cast (WIP)

* Andrew Rannells as Edward and Charles
* Veronica Taylor as Osborne
* Mike Pollock as Principal Walker and Chef Nicky
* Josh Peck as Eric
* Wayne Grayson as Joey
* Gary Sauls as Constantinos and Mr. Goodman
* Edward Felker as Stanley
* Dan Green as Dallas
* Kyle Phillips as Wayne
* Dee Bradley Baker as Old Man Esmond and Announcer

## Trivia

* Although this episode premiered in 2000, it was produced in 1999 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.
* This episode is iconic for serving as an allusion and jab towards drug addicts and alcoholics.
	+ At one point, Dallas even calls the candies "cubes", which is slang for LSD, as well as "sugar", which is also slang for cocaine.
* The title and opening credits do not appear until Osborne runs out of his treehouse.
* **Credits:** Osborne waiting in The Gingerbread House's checkout line.

## Transcript

(The episode begins with a TV commercial, where we see the scenery of Rome, Italy)

**Chef Nicky:** WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!! (singing) Ciao, amicis!

**Kids:** Ciao to you!

**Chef Nicky:** Bet you're quite starvin'!

**Kids:** You know that we are!

(Osborne is seen watching this from his secret tree house in the school's playground)

**Osborne:** (nodding as he drools) Mm-hmm!

**Chef Nicky:** Well my name is Chef Nicky and my candy ain't so far! I make the best, sweetest candies, like a big ol' chocolate bar! But if you don't believe me or ya think it's not dandy, try The Gingerbread House's candyyyyyy!

**Announcer:** The Gingerbread House, where you can make sweet dreams come true! Try our buy-one-get-one-for-the-same-price deal now.

**Osborne:** Will do!

(Osborne immediately dashes out of the tree house, not even bothering to use the door. He runs out so fast that he creates a sonic boom and a trail of fire on the ground)

(Crashing through apartments and businesses alike, a traffic camera tries to clock his speed, but it crashes and breaks apart. He physically saws through a bridge, exploding every single vehicle, somehow not plummeting to his demise or even fazed from moving through concrete)

(Once he reaches The Gingerbread House, he runs past Esmond, who is set ablaze, and he screams bloody murder. Osborne rushes to buy every single thing in the store)

**Osborne:** (gathering all the store's candy around his arms) Ohh! Yum, yum yum! Tharr she goes! (laughs as he makes his purchase, and he runs in reverse back to the playground; singing) TRY THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE'S CANDYYYYY! (laughs)

**Mr. Goodman:** Oh, finally, that's the missing student. Uhh, pardon me, Osborne.

**Osborne:** (quickly hides all the candy in his pants) Huh?

**Mr. Goodman:** It seems you may have forgotten about today's ceremony. It's Principal Walker's birthday, which also means we sacrifice our favorite foods to him!

**Osborne:** Whatever. (nervously looks around) Well, uhh, favorite food, huh? I'll be back in a jiff!

(He sprints to his tree house, not even having to climb. Inside, he separates all the candy)

**Osborne:** Licorice...milk chocolate...dark chocolate...wait, let's do this alphabetically... (prepares to rearrange everything, until he hears...)

**Mr. Goodman:** Osborne Lisburn! We are waiting on you!

**Osborne:** ALRIGHT ALREADY! Hmph. (reaches for his fridge) Let's see, whaddo we got here? Broccoli, brussels sprouts. (gathers them) Heheh, that will do!

(Cut to a long line at Walker's office)

**Mr. Goodman:** Oh, great Walker! You have not blown up in nearly 30 years because every year, we students unwillingly- I mean, willingly, give our favorite foods to you!

(Eric pats his hands against a set of bongo drums)

**Mr. Goodman:** Edward, are you ready for your offering?

**Edward:** Always ready, Mr. Goodman! (he takes out a fresh plate of...) Frog legs! (he says that in a sing-song voice)

(Walker sucks them up like a vacuum)

**Eric:** I reluctantly give out my glue. I love the way it tastes. (he hands Walker a bottle of glue, and then he mumbles) What a waste of glue.

**Mr. Goodman:** (puts his palm up) Uh-uh. We can't upset Mr. Walker. Constantinos?

**Constantinos:** Uhh, in case you're not feeling well, Mr. Walker...chewable vitamins! (tosses him a bottle of vitamins)

**Charles:** I sacrifice my Carolina Reaper peppers. (feeds Walker)

**Wayne:** I'm gonna miss my batteries. (gives Walker a pair of triple-A batteries)

**Osborne:** (pushing through the crowd of students) Excuse me! Outta the way! Ok, I'm ready to give.

**Mr. Goodman:** First, tell what it is, and why you're feeding it to Mr. Walker.

(Eric plays the bongo drums again)

**Osborne:** Uhhh...I proudly sacrifice my broccoli and brussels sprout sandwich on wheat. (shoves it down Walker's mouth) From me, to you. (waves) Sayonara! (laughs as Mr. Goodman raises an eyebrow) What?

**Mr. Goodman:** *Your* favorite food is-

**Osborne:** YES! My favorite sandwich is broccoli and- (suddenly, he gasps in excitement) Shhh!

(In Osborne's tree house, dark chocolate is seen melting)

**Osborne:** Oh, I love it when it does that! (he zips off) BON APPETIT, MR. FATTY!!!!

(Back in the tree house, he takes out the melting dark chocolate)

**Osborne:** Ooooh!

(He prepares to dig in, but then everything starts shaking. Cut back to Walker's office)

**Mr. Goodman:** Uh oh.

**Edward:** Is Mr. Walker angry at us, Mr. Goodman?

**Mr. Goodman:** Ok, kids. No need to panic. Everybody, calmly-

(The top of Walker's head blows off, releasing a blast of lava, and we see that he's blood-boiling red. Everybody runs away and screams. In Osborne's tree house, his pile of candy hops away, but then he slams the door shut to prevent it from escaping. It hops out of the window anyway)

**Osborne:** Hey! Where did you go? (to himself) I didn't know they were *this* delicious.

(Outside, the pile of candy continues hopping away)

**Osborne:** (crawls after it) Candy! Oh, candy! Come back here, you! No fair!

(A crowd of students pass by, screaming)

**Osborne:** Hey, watch it! Mess with my candy and I kill you.

**Joey:** (running in circles) HE'S GONNA BLOW!!!!!!

**Eric:** BEST FIELD TRIP EVER!

**Mr. Goodman:** (stands on a bench) Now everybody, stay calm, and-

**Osborne:** Excuse me, chiefy, ya almost stepped in my candy!

**Mr. Goodman:** (nonchalantly) Oh, sorry, Osborne.

**Edward:** (runs in) Mr. Goodman! Mr. Walker about to detonate must mean someone didn't give out their favorite food.

**Mr. Goodman:** (taps his finger against his chin) That's true, Edward. But who?

(Osborne is seen kissing his pile of candy, but then Mr. Goodman clears his throat)

**Mr. Goodman:** Is *that* your favorite food?

**Osborne:** What, (laughs) THIS? (laughs some more) Oh, oh, oh, uhh, this is, uhh...this is, a SOCCER BALL! (lifts up the entire pile) Go along, Goodman!

(Goodman and The Lucky 6 aren't falling for it)

**Osborne:** It's, uhh, (the pile crushes him) a trendy new hat?

(They still aren't. Eric plays the bongos once again)

**Osborne:** Ok, you got me. I didn't give Principal Walker my favorite food. I'll be right back! (leaves)

**Constantinos:** Are we gonna die?!

**Mr. Goodman:** (nonchalantly) Yes.

(Constantinos looks in shock)

**Mr. Goodman:** But not today. (slightly raises his voice) Put some hustle into it, Osborne!

(In Osborne's tree house, he puts his stack of candy back in)

**Osborne:** ALRIGHT! I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! Sheesh. (heads to his fridge and mumbles the following) Stupid Walker, hmm, this orange will do, uhh...ew, asparagus! (grabs those and speaks to his candies in a sing-song voice) I'll be right baaaack!

(He zips off to Walker's office and forces the orange and asparagus into his mouth)

**Osborne:** There, you happy? My favorite food! Uh, hacka-macka-lacka ding-dong, I'm sorry! (prepares to leave, until he hears...)

**Principal Walker:** (frustrated beyond belief) YOUR APOLOGY IS NOTHING BUT A PASSING WIND, THROUGH THE VALLEYS OF MY GUT!!!

**Osborne:** (his body turns pale, and he shivers) Whu?! Huh?! Who said that?!

**Principal Walker:** TURN AROUND!

**Osborne:** (his pupils widen) THE FAT MAN TALKS!!!!

(He runs away, but lava blasts from Walker's head, and the portion lands in front of Osborne. He screams and runs back into the office)

**Principal Walker:** IT IS BECAUSE OF YOUR SELFISHNESS THAT THE FATE OF ALL THE OTHER MISCREANTS RESTS ON YOUR SMALL SHOULDERS!

(Osborne stutters in fright, but Walker slaps him)

**Osborne:** Uhh, what does thou want, O Belch-o-Fire sir?

(Walker grins,)

**Principal Walker:** Pat your stomach and head. (Osborne does so) Good, now remove your clothes and get on that unicycle.

**Osborne:** Clothes? UNICYCLE?! What unicycle?! (camera pans out to reveal a unicycle in the corner)

(We see Mr. Goodman and The Lucky 6 peeking)

**Mr. Goodman:** I still don't think he gave his favorite food.

**Stanley:** Well, at least he's talented.

(Cut to Osborne still patting his stomach and head, while only in his underwear)

**Principal Walker:** Very good! Now repeat this: Seven seasick sailors sailed the seven seas.

(Osborne struggles to pronounce it, and Walker laughs)

**Principal Walker:** If only you could see yourself!

**Osborne:** (putting his clothes back on as he hops off the unicycle) Yeah yeah, I'm handsome, I know. You've had your laughs. I did your stupid tasks. (gets close to the door) Now put a lid on it!

**Principal Walker:** (bursts into flames) WAIT ONE MINUTE!

**Osborne:** Easy, tiger. I've got an appointment with my candy.

**Principal Walker:** Nope, the tasks were to prove your worthiness! (nonchalantly) And have fun at your expense. ***I KNOW WHAT YOUR FAVORITE FOOD IS!!!!!!!!!!***

**Osborne:** (gulps) You do?

**Principal Walker:** YES!!! CANDY!!!! BRING YOUR ENTIRE STASH FORWARD!!!!

**Osborne:** Never! (zooms away) ***YOU WILL NEVER GET MY CANDY!!!! NEEEEEEEEEE-VEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!***

(Cut back to Mr. Goodman and the gang)

**Stanley:** Wow. I think he means it.

**Dallas:** Don't worry, Stanley. We're just going to need to be a little more direct with him. Principal Walker won't rest until he gets those cubes.

(Eric plays the bongos once again)

**Dallas:** Thank you, Eric. Let's go bust for the sugar!

(Osborne is seen running across the playground back to his tree house, mumbling incoherently. Wayne runs past butt naked, screaming bloody murder)

(The gang and Mr. Goodman break the door down, but then they gasp as Osborne hisses like a snake at them)

**Stanley:** Osborne, you know the only way we won't blow up is if you hand Walker everything you have!

(Beat. Osborne smiles)

**Osborne:** Oh, yes. How selfish of me. Must've slipped my mind. (pushes everyone out) You just lead the way.

(He boards up the door with wooden barricades. Then, he rushes to his candies)

(Suddenly, everybody manages to squeeze in through a tiny hole in the ground)