The Good Book

## Bio

**The Good Book** was the opening monologue for Benny Hill on March 13, 1974. Presented in a West London accent, he is joined with Bob Todd, Jon Jon Keefe and the Ladybirds on one side and Malou Cartwright, Bella Emberg, Diana Darvey, Jackie Wright, Jim Tyson and Jerold Wells on the other side. He follows the bit with a lead-in to the first string of Quickies in the episode.

## Lyrics

It's all in the Good Book…

Be honest and true...

And do unto others as they would do unto you

Dearly beloved brethren...

We are gathered here tonight to make money

And it was our dear Lord who said,

I inclined to believe that the meek will inherit the Earth

But if the meek inherit the Earth,

What are the single men going to get

I'm gonna tell you what they're going to get…

They're going to get married.

Because everyone wants something different...

Poor men want to be rich...

Rich men wish they were handsome...

Single men wish they were married...

And married men wish they were dead...

So single men take heart...

Let me tell you something.

She may look like a million dollars now,

But in twenty years she will still look like a million dollars...

In loose change!!

Before she takes you down that aisle to the gallows (*quickly correcting*) to the altar...

Think of the altar, think of the others, think of the hymn….

Because if she looks at you….

The way she is thinking….

She is thinking, “I will own you.”

Let me tell you something...

Nature gave women eyes like the stars...

And skin like silk...

And a mouth like a rose bud….

And then she went and spoiled it all by adding a tongue to it!

You know those three monkeys?

Guess which one is married?

(*puts his hands over his ears*)

Right!!

My wife can hold three dozen balls in her mouth...

And make like a cannon!

When she smiles, she gets lipstick in her ears.

I can read her like a book...

And shut her up the same way.

And another thing...

You know, when a married man is in a bar?

He always turns his back when he's opening his wallet.

True that!!

My wife looks at me,

She says, “I want to buy new dresses.”

I said, “Why three new dresses?”

She says, “Because I just bought three new hats.”

How about that?

Her face is so tight…

When she raises her eyebrows,

Her knees turned white!

I rubbed some oil on her arms,

And she said, “It’s beginning to smart.”

So I rubbed some on her head!

My grandfather was an old guerrilla fighter...

My grandmother was an old gorilla

He once called me over to his bedside,
And before he sold me his watch and chain,

He said to me,

(*Bob Todd voice*)

“A dead bird never falls out of its nest.”

(*normal voice*)

And I never forgot it.

I never figured out what it meant so I forgot it.

(*Bob Todd voice again*)

“Love your enemies and confuse the hell out of them.”

(*normal voice*)

My grandmother would say,

(*Helen Horton voice*)

“It's the little things that hurt.

“You can sit on top of a mountain,

“But you can’t sit on top of a pin.”

(‘’normal voice again’’)

She broke her leg so we shot her.

Just remember, no one is wrong all the time,

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

And just remember one of these days all your worries and troubles will be over,

And your country and friends will be great again,

But you won't live to see it,

But it will happen.

Remember, your wife is smarter than you ever were...

'Cause she married you, but you married her.

So live by this motto…

Live this life as if it was your last...

And do unto others before they do unto you...

Amen...