Fake TPOT 45c: The Amazing Reverse Race/part 2

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"**The Amazing Reverse Race**" is the third part of the non-canon forty-fifth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 20 April 1989. Since TPOT 2 has already been released, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

Next episode: "Sail Away, Sail Away"

## Contest (cont'd)

#### Pillary Ruins Replica

* **P****i****n**: Do you remember what episode the, um, Archaic Temple challenge was?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think it was around the twenty-episode mark.
* **P****i****n**: And... Blocky was in it, right?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, he was eliminated.
* **P****i****n**: And it's before the one *I* appeared in. I'll bet it's #24.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sounds right to me.

[*Remote presses "Episode 24" on the touchscreen, which plays the episode on the overhead screens in that part of the studio. She quickly jumps to the middle of the episode.*]

**Lol****l****ipop**: Might even wear a costume, too. Say, what are you making?
**Woody**: ***Aaghwaaghwaa!***
**Lol****l****ipop**: Whatever that means, I'm sure it's great.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Nope, that's not it.
* **P****i****n**: Try #25.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That sounds more reasonable.

[*Remote presses "Episode 25", which begins with Firey and Leafy screaming as their Ferris wheel rolls down an slope.*]

**[** **Fi****r****ey** · **Le****a****f****y** **]**: *Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!*
* **[** **P****i****n** · **R****e****m****ot****e** **]**: This is the one.

[*As before, Remote skips to the middle of the episode.*]

**Purple Face**: Welcome to this room! It's called the, dub, Rectangle-y Brown-ish... Room!
**Lol****l****ipop**: Yeah. I'm not putting up with this drivel for another minute.
* **P****i****n**: So that's where we should go.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We did it.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [**beckoning* them over*] You two, come over here.
* **P****i****n**: Oh? What did you find?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: The Ecar Launcherr, look.

[*Pin and Remote walk over to Black Hole, standing in the Rectangle-y Brown-ish Room.* **Pencil** *is next to him, holding the Launcherr with a clearly bored expression on her face.*]

* **P****i****n**: Where did you find that one?
* **P****e****nci****l**: It was under the floorboard. Came out as if it wanted to be found; I wonder why.
* **P****i****n**: Hey, Golf Ball, we found the Launcherr!

[*Enter* **Golf Ball**.]

* **Golf Ball**: [*nemini loquitur*] I am not bitter, I am not bitter!
* **P****e****nci****l**: She was trying to reverse this whole building with her short self.
* **Golf Ball**: [*to Pin*] It was not "reversing" (I do not do everything our number host does); I was reverse *engineering* this place to find out where an Ecar Launcherr would most likely be found. I stopped when it was found by... [*mumbling*] yrrw-nrrw-who.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot's that?

[*Golf Ball says nothing.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Why don't we all just stand together, and let the launcher do its job? We've enough time, to make it to the next checkpoint or two.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Before what?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ummmm...

[*The Ecar Launcherr launches ecars at the Contestants, and they begin to read Two's message.*]

* **Two**: Congratulations and on behalf of the ~~objects~~ people of the Yeni Yoyle Television Studios, I wish you a very warm welcome to the first place we'd send you if BFDI were a primetime sitcom! Or a drama! I see you used your knowledge of the old BFB episodes to find out where this Launcherr was, didn't you?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, it was more like a stroke of luck.
* **Two**: Luckily for you, this knowledge will certainly come in handy, for guess where you'll be sent for your next checkpoint! Maybe you should sit down, walk around or think a little: where in the world do most people choose to expand their knowledge of the things in the world that are worth knowing?
* **Golf Ball**: Is this a joke?
* **Two**: Still thinking? Shall I wait *two* more minutes?

[*Pause, as everyone looks at Golf Ball.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Oh, it's my turn to read.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Read it, GB.
* **Golf Ball**: Alright. [*clears throat*]
* **Two**: As for your next checkpoint, everything you need to know can be found in...

[*Another pause.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Well?
* **Two**: The Science Museum.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*pointing at Golf Ball at the same time as a "Dun-dun!" sting.*] Ha-ha!

## Flat 2 scene

### Living room

[*View of inside the flat. The door to the water-closet is still locked. Strange sounds emanate from the room to which it leads, seemingly always coupled with the sound of plastic hitting a short-pile carpet.*]

* **P****en**: Aah!

[*Enter* **Match**, *who looks around as if she were the star of a theatrical production.*]

* **Ma****tch**: [*nemini loquitur*] Thank you, thank you, no need to clap, I'll be here all day.

[*She lies down on the sofa and notices that it has been used a little. Confused, she gets up, but lies down again without bothering.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Hmm. Guess I'll do nothing then.
* **P****en**: *Match!*
* **Ma****tch**: Ah! Shame on you for, like, breaking into my best friend's house! Don't you know she's not home?
* **P****en**: Match, it's me! I'm stuck in the bathroom!
* **Ma****tch**: Oh, Pen, it's only you. Never mind, I'll let you be, like, Tom Pawn-ting in peace.
* **P****en**: Open the door, will ya?

[*Match groans, gets up and unlocks the bathroom door.*]

### Water-closet

[*Inside the room.* **Pen** *is seen, hanging onto the potwtjontcotrbsaacptfiovscbtcpowtcbpiapitebwoaoihurbacdi. Enter* **Match**.]

* **Ma****tch**: Pen?
* **P****en**: [*trying to lift himself up*] Hiya, Match!

[*He raises his unfree arm to wave at her, after which he falls to the floor.*]

* **P****en**: Ow!
* **Ma****tch**: This is why we got you an exercise kit for, like, Christmas. So, like, *this* wouldn't happen.
* **P****en**: I wasn't working out. I was aiming for the vent.
* **Ma****tch**: Why?
* **P****en**: To escape. [*looks at the door*] Oh, thanks for the door, by the way. I owe you one! [*finger-guns her*]
* **Ma****tch**: Mm-hmm. Like, what were you in here for anyway?
* **P****en**: My kids.
* **Ma****tch**: What? Why'd you say kid*ssssszzzz*?
* **P****en**: Wait, Penc never told you about 'em?
* **Ma****tch**: She's, like, too busy with the contest, hopefully torturing, like, bossy bot Golf Ball or something. So, tell me about the kids! You got more?
* **P****en**: Oh, they're just the most darling things. They rock. They rocked my whole world, as a matter of fact.
* **Ma****tch**: Gnarly, man. [*helping him up*] Come on, let's, like, get you out of here.

### Living room

[*Pen and Match go into the living room and sit on the couch.*]

* **Ma****tch**: So, like... how many kids have you got now?
* **P****en**: Hmm, we had nine coming to our door and then there's Sonny, so... that's ten.
* **Ma****tch**: You got it, Gauss. [*pronounced "Gay-us"*] But wait. They, like, came to you guys?
* **P****en**: Mm-hmm! Earlier today, they introduced themselves to us. Sweet, eh?
* **Ma****tch**: So all those peoples I saw walking out of your flat, who, like, vaguely look like, like, like, you and Penc-penc... those are your kids?
* **P****en**: Yeah! You've seen them?
* **Ma****tch**: Sure. First I thought I was dreaming, but, like... your kids! I love that! Like, oh my woodsicles! Aeh, it's nice that you guys, like, met.

[*Pen nods, looks away and makes a quiet whimpering noise.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Pen? You okay?
* **P****en**: They're coming back. I'm 200% sure of it.
* **Ma****tch**: So they're here to stay, huh.
* **P****en**: [*tugging on Match's arm*] Oh, Match, my new kids *hate* me! Not just that, but they despise me too! They don't even want to be friends with me or anything, and they were the ones who left me in the bathroom to die forever! They're so *mean!* What am I gonna do?
* **Ma****tch**: [*Aside.*] Wait for Pencil to come home; she'll take care of you. [*gets up*]
* **P****en**: Wha? Match, you've gotta help me!
* **Ma****tch**: I mean... [*sits down again*] I can't tell you what to do. I've learned from BFB that ordering people around always, like, backfires.
* **P****en**: So how should I treat this little big problem?
* **Ma****tch**: Well, like, do what you think is best for you. I, like, trust your decisions. You're my *good* brother; you've only been arrested once, and it was for protesting against a war in a country you can't even find on a, like, map.
* **P****en**: Yeah. You're right. *I'm* in charge of what goes on in here, darn it! [*points at his cap*]
* **Ma****tch**: Mm-hmm, but I'm afraid you let what's in there out too soon. /j [*Silence.*] C'mon, Pen, it was a joke. Don't wig out, 'kay? [*pats him on the back*] And you do what's right. I'd better, like, go; I came here to make sure this place isn't, like, robbed, but... guess I'm not needed here any more.
* **P****en**: Thanks, Match. Bye!
* **Ma****tch**: Later, boychik.

[*Exit.*]

## Contest

### **Road to the Science Museum**

**Scene**Night. The sky is the same colour as the night sky in IDFB. The contestants make their way down a rather uncrowded road on their way to the Science Museum. **Golf Ball** looks nervous throughout.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Good thing they let us play IDFB in there, ten times in a row.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Of course they did, Black Hole. You know how some countries have national flowers? IDFB is Yoyleland's national TV programme.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, but, thanks to the show, now we know the fastest way to get to the Science Museum.

[*Golf Ball breathes as if saying "foooo" in a whisper.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Are you, are you doing okay there, GB?
* **Golf Ball**: Aeh.
* **P****i****n**: We must be getting close, then.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Not close. We're already here, cookie. Hooray.

### **Checkpoint 10: Science Museum of Yoyle Şehri**

**Scene**The Contestants stop running or floating because they have reached the Science Museum. Now that the city is populated, a long queue has formed in front of the museum with people waiting to get in. They're not all that happy to see the newcomers hanging out by the front door.
* **Man #5**: Back of the line, Z-listers!

[*The Contestants look at one another, confused.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What.
* **Adult #1**: We were here before you!
* **S****pe****ech Bl****as****e**: You think because you're on a show that most people enjoy watching here you get to jump the queue and absorb the knowledge first? Well, guess what? You don't get to absorb and you don't get to jump either!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside, to Black Hole.*] I should like to jump *her*.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's, that's not really the right thing, for a mother to say.

[**Medal'bbon**, *the man in charge of the queue, waves his hands and gestures for the Contestants to go to the back.*]

* **Med****al****'****b****bo****n**: No one has special privileges here, no matter how famous they may be.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I suppose that's an admirable policy. Mind if I take it from you if I ever become President?

[*Exit* **Medal'bbon**, *shaking his head.*]

* **P****i****n**: Oh no, now we have to wait!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's not that bad. I, I like where this is going.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Into the museum?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, haha. I mean, to be treated like a normal person for once.
* **P****i****n**: Just wait. That'll be us in a year, I hope.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Word.

[*Suddenly Golf Ball steps out of the queue.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, GB, where are you going?
* **Golf Ball**: I—

[*Golf Ball stops herself.*]

* **P****i****n**: Use your words, Golf Ball!
* **Golf Ball**: [*sighs*] I don't want to go in there. At least not without someone I trust with me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: How marvellous, we're on speaking terms again!
* **Golf Ball**: Hello, this was addressed to the group in general.
* **P****i****n**: Uh, um, since we're already standing in line and it doesn't seem to be moving... would you like to tell us why you don't want to go in?

[*The last words of Pin's dialogue are repeated in Golf Ball's head, becoming more echo-like after every repetition. She is visibly disturbed by this, as if recalling a bad memory.*]

* **P****i****n**: Go in... go in... *go in...* ***goooo iiiii—***
* **Golf Ball**: ***No!***

[*Everyone standing behind Remote in the queue, where there are now even more people, looks at Golf Ball.*]

* **Golf Ball**: I mean... I'd rather think of it as a closely guarded secret. Like Theola's secretly using a second false name on Indus-Gram, or TB's "fuzz plugs".
* **P****i****n**: Suit yourself. We'll get the launcher as fast as we can and meet you outside.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: How does that sound to you, Golf Ball?
* **Golf Ball**: I— [*sighs, perhaps longer than before*] It sounds fair to me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Have a dekko at this now, the queue's moving!
* **P****i****n**: This is so exciting!

[*Exeunt omnes into the building. Manet* **Golf Ball**, *who sighs (again) and goes to a bench.*]

#### Inside the museum

[*View of the refurbished interior of the museum. Surprisingly, not much has changed since its last appearance in 1968, apart from the "beautification" of the place: the cracks in the walls, the overgrowth of vines and the stains here and there have disappeared. Various people can be seen looking at all the objects on display—they have been redrawn in the more realistic, "outline-less" style typical of BFB and the seasons afterwards.* **Pin** *separates from* **Pencil** *and* **Black Hole**, *eager to walk amongst the crowd of strangers.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So this is what a renovated science museum looks like.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I'm surprised Golf Ball doesn't want to see it. Well, I'm off.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Where are you going?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: To see what Geeb's missing.

[**Remote** *joins Pin in the background.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Knowing her, she'd probably tick it off her bucket list and add ten more useless items. /s
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Pencil, stop it. If you please.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, what is it now?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Normally, I can tolerate your wisecracking attitude and such. If it's good enough for a fellow pact member, it's good enough for me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Thanks, I appreciate it.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But now, I think you're just being, mightily, inappropriate.
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***WHAAAT?***

[*Everyone on the ground floor looks at Pencil. Conveniently, a spotlight also shines on her and her name is suddenly displayed on a large marquee on the wall (as "PENCIL SPOKE!").*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I mean *what?* How am I inappropriate? I try to keep things rated U around here!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I think Golf Ball has a very dark secret, about things that have happened here in the past, and you treat it as if it's no big deal.
* **P****e****nci****l**: But it isn't!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: How would you know, if *you* are not Golf Ball? For all we know, a death involving her, could have happened here, over twenty years ago, and she's just starting to come to terms with it, by being here. You ought to at least, um, give her some leeway, as a good person would do, in any death-related situation. [*Pencil turns away for half a second.*] And if you don't, you're *dead* to me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Gulp. Oh, I suppose you're right, Black Hole. After all, who am I to be the worst enemy of my kids' dad's [*affected Canadian accent*] buddy?

[*Black Hole laughs a tiny bit.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Hey, I know what I should do: apologize to GB right now. There are, like, twenty years of things I'd like to excuse myself for; and why shouldn't I do it here? It must be kismet or, or, something. [*about to leave*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, wait. You don't want to go outside, and wait in that queue again.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're right; I'll do it later.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: As soon as you see her?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, I mean...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remember: as a parent, you need to set a good example for your children, to form a better future.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, Father, and I'll remember to order extra vegetables at the museum restaurant. /s
* **P****i****n**: Hey, you two, look!

[*Pencil and Black Hole hurry over.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Have you found our launcher?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, but we found the directions.
* **P****i****n**: It's at the Ecar Launcherr exhibit on, get this: Floor 2222.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*nemini loquitur*] These buildings are always smaller on the outside.
* **P****e****nci****l**: But that means we've got to climb up over two thousand floors! What do I look like? A marathon runner that best performs diagonally? /s

[*Black Hole moves up and down subtly.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Then again, we could also...
* **P****i****n**: Do that.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Up and down, and out and read.
* **P****i****n**: I like that. Up and down and out and read!

[*All enter Black Hole's orbit as he flies them up to the 2,222nd floor, while some onlookers watch the scene and point to the ceiling.*]

* **The four**: [*chanting*] *Up and down and out and read! Up and down and out and read! Up and down...*

#### Park Bench Outside the Science Museum of Yoyle Şehri

[**Golf Ball** *sits on the bench and has a neutral expression on her face. This time, she is wearing sunglasses and holding a shopping bag with her leg.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Huhhh... Maybe I should go in. There's no way it can still be in there.

[*As soon as Golf Ball gets up off the bench, enter* **Black Hole**, *with* **Remote**, **Pin** *and* **Pencil** *in his orbit.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Ah!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We got the Ecar Launcherr. It actually wasn't that hard to find.
* **Golf Ball**: So I can just stay outside?
* **P****i****n**: Yep!
* **Golf Ball**: Good. Let us sit.

[*Golf Ball sits down on the bench. The others follow.*]

* **P****i****n**: Hey, cool shades!
* **Golf Ball**: I bought them at the YMart so the hordes of possible tourists wouldn't recognize me. This is the first time in eighteen years that I actually look, uh, with it. And it's working; no one has come up to me and demanded an autograph!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] I can think of one good reason why. /s
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Pencil... Oh, hey, Remote, didn't you want to see the Olive Oil Convention, before it closes today?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't know what you're talking about.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'll take that as a yes. Better leave these two together, huh, Pin?
* **P****i****n**: Wha? Oh. Yeah.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: In that case, bring on the *zeytinyaği* [*pronounced "zay-tin-yaggy*"].

[*Exeunt* **Black Hole**, **Pin** *and* **Remote**.]

* **Golf Ball**: I want to see the Olive Oil Convention. Perhaps I can bring something home with me; my grandson prefers it to milk anyway.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, goody, that means I can just relax here by myself.
* **Golf Ball**: Are you attempting to rid your field of view of me entirely?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I wouldn't phrase it like that, but...

[*Pause. Pencil sighs.*]

* **Golf Ball**: It seems that sighing is the bee's knees.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Can I... tell you something, GB?
* **Golf Ball**: I do not know. Will it be offensive?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Golf Ball, I am truly sorry for what I've said and done to you over the years. I've made your competition experience more miserable than it should have been. And I highly suspect (although I'm not entirely sure) that the reason you feel so suspicious about entering the museum is my fault, and if that is so, I apologize for that as well. I don't expect you to forgive me so quickly—just have a look at how that's turned out in BFB—but I do hope you can understand what I mean. Seeing as I've become a mother of several full-time speakers, it wouldn't be very proper of me to... you know... [*sighs*] I don't know what else to say.
* **Golf Ball**: [*muffled*] It's fine.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What was that?
* **Golf Ball**: All I wanted to hear was a "sorry".

[*Pencil looks at Golf Ball, and it looks as if she's got a very small smile on her face, similar to Taco in BFB 15.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Aw, Golf Ball, that's terrific! [*hugs her*] Starting from today, you may call me *Mummy*!
* **Golf Ball**: What?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh. Sorry, I was getting carried away. Aye, *Pencil* will do, you know, 'cos it's my name.

[*Enter* **Black Hole**, **Pin** *and* **Remote**. *They seem to have been hiding behind a yoylebush.*]

* **P****i****n**: Is everything alright here? The convention's already over; it's getting late.

[*Pin points towards the city centre, where lights slowly go out and the city is about to go asleep for the night.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Just magical.
* **Golf Ball**: Pencil has atoned for her competition-related sins.
* **P****i****n**: Yay!
* **Golf Ball**: I cannot say that she's done the same for her appearance. /j

[*Silence.*]

* **Golf Ball**: *Laugh!*

[*All laugh, sheepishly.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, I'm just glad one rivalry has been fixed. This is how it should always be.
* **Golf Ball**: Indeed.
* **P****i****n**: And now, we can read where the next checkpoint is!

[*Pin points the Ecar Launcherr at the others and it shoots ecars at all of them. They begin to read.*]

* **Two**: Well, it looks like you made it out of the Science Museum in one piece! Get it? Because there are so many objects in there that can turn one person into *two!* Ha, ha, I said my name again. You don't have to worry about that any more, though—I've made it a point to keep my messages to you as short as possible—
* **Golf Ball**: As if Two's doing a good job at that.
* **P****e****nci****l**: True.
* **Two**: And that's perfect considering you have one checkpoint left!

[*Soni exspectati of excitement.*]

* **Two**: Okay, okay, I'll tell you where it is: it's where you were at the checkpoint before this one. You might have to face different obstacles, because I'm sending you on your way to the Big Rotating Building. Do you think you can handle the spinning? I know I can't without making prolonged blubbering sounds! Good luck, and may the finish line soon await you!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So we're heading back to the studios.

### **Checkpoint 11: YYT Studios (again)**

**Scene**Jump cut to the Yeni Yoyle Television Studios. The Contestants look around as if they'd just been teleported there. The only difference is that the building, like so many others, has been closed and all the lights switched off.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That was quick.
* **Golf Ball**: Why is the building closed?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Things close early here, I guess.
* **P****i****n**: Can't you open the door with yourself, Black Hole?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I can, but before I do anything, I need to make sure, that the door's not living.
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's not.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: How can you be so sure?
* **P****e****nci****l**: It had absolutely no reaction to my being here. You can tell if something's alive 'cos it reacts either extremely negatively or positively in my presence (the latter being far less common). Never in the middle.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wow, imagine being that controversial.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Alright. If you please, ladies, do step back.

[*Black Hole floats backwards a little before breaking open the entrance door and consequently sucking it up. Silence, before he pops out of the newly-created hole.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You are good.

#### Pillary Ruins Replica

[*Enter the Contestants into the studio building, empty after closing time. Nevertheless, the clock on the wall shows that it is only 9:00 p.m. Just as it is night outside, it is also night inside—the recreated Pillary Ruins backdrop looks exactly as it did in the night scenes of post-split BFB.*]

* **P****i****n**: This place is so fascinating!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Now, you four wouldn't mind if I went up, would you? I'd like to spot an Ecar Launcherr from above.
* **Golf Ball**: I would not mind.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I don't care.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You just want to pretend to be a post-split contestant at night, don't you?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You know how it is.

[**Black Hole** *floats up and into the background. The other Contestants continue running in a straight line through the ruins until they come across an Ecar Launcherr.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: O-o-o, I can't believe our last checkpoint is coming up.
* **P****i****n**: When you think about it, we're coming out of this challenge as changed people. Let's see: [*takes a deep breath and speaks quickly*] I am starting to get to know you guys a lot better, and I'm sure Remote and Black Hole feel the same way. Pencil, you come across as much nicer than I thought: you just apologized to GB, and I don't think you have any problems with Remote or BH 'cause they're your boyfriend's friendly friends. Golf Ball is still slightly hostile towards everyone here, but that's just her personality so we can't hold it against her.
* **Golf Ball**: Speak to yourself, Pi— [*notices everyone is looking at her*] I mean... you are right. The final 5 in the game are at least cordial with one another, and that's a good thing. We are ahead of BFDI in that respect.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Finally.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think Pen would be proud of you for improving, huh, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*angrily*] That does it!
* **P****i****n**: And so ends what Coiny calls the "Era of Good Feelings".

[*Pencil runs backwards to face Remote behind her. In this respect, she resembles Leafy at the start of BFDIA.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What the frick d'ye keep mentioning Pen for?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You think I don't know? The way you've been making little hints about him, it's like you're taunting me or something! You want to steal him away from me! Well, too bad for you, Remote, 'cos he's *mine*; and now that he's the father of my ten children, he's *doubly* mine!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wouldn't that make him "mine *tenfold*"?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah!
* **Golf Ball**: This little girls' drama is too much for my grand cerebrum.

[*Golf Ball tries to run as fast as she can, but only just manages to be a few inches ahead.*]

* **P****i****n**: Pencil, aren't you OMPF-overreacting a bit?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You don't need to worry about my stealing your man. I like Black Hole.

[*Long pause.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: You... like Black Hole?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Did I just say that out loud?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, I heard it! Chuffin' hell, with all of us learning these new things about each other, they might as well call this "A Boxing Day Carol"!
* **P****i****n**: Oooooooh, did I just hear Remote say she likes Black Hole?
* **Golf Ball**: Gadzooks, I feel like I'm at the slumber parties I was never invited to in my youth! Thank you, Remote, for giving me the sensation of blankets of hay!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Shut up, Golf Ball. And please be quiet, the rest of you. Black Hole must not know about this.
* **P****i****n**: But... he's right above us.

[*Pin points to the ceiling, where Black Hole is floating (though certainly out of earshot).*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Then it's a good thing that black holes aren't known for what they're not known for. I don't want to talk about it any further, so if you'll excuse me...

[*Exit* **Remote**, *running at record speed.*]

* **P****i****n**: I think we've embarrassed her.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Now I know why most object shows never mention romance.

[*Enter* **Black Hole**, *floating down.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hey, is everything okay?
* **P****i****n**: Never better, heh.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Then why did I just see Remote running ahead of you? Not that I want to put the blame on anyone, but, did any of you say anything to offend her?
* **P****e****nci****l**: These are the 1980s; we are far from taking the wazz out of Remote and her seemingly easy-to-press buttons.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Okay. I just wanted to tell you that there's an Ecar Launcherr, on the desert set about thirty metres ahead of you.
* **Golf Ball**: Thirty metres? I can't run that far!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'll see what I can do.

[**Black Hole** *lets* **Pencil**, **Pin** *and* **Golf Ball** *into his orbit. Exeunt.*]

#### Desert Replica

[**Remote** *is in the middle of a backdrop depicting the desert where the final episodes of BFB took place. She stands around an Ecar Launcherr—the only thing visible apart from the sand and a few xerophytic plants—and has an expression of bitterness and fear on her face. Enter the others.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: There you are. Ain't that just like a natural to keep an electronic waiting.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yep.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Remote, can we talk?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Not now, Pencil, we have to read Two's final message.
* **P****i****n**: Then this is the final checkpoint in the race!
* **Golf Ball**: Hosanna! My legs are getting tired from all that running I've been doing.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You were in my orbit for the last thirty metres.
* **Golf Ball**: [*realizing*] So I was. Thank you, Black Hole!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-dah...
* **P****i****n**: Bunch up, everybody.

[*All get as close to one another as possible, at which point the Ecar Launcherr shoots five ecars in the direction of the Contestants.*]

* **P****i****n**: I can't wait to see what Two says next!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I bet the word "two" will appear in it more than once.
* **P****i****n**: Wait, everyone! My ecar's licence plate doesn't have anything on it!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Huh. Neither does mine.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Or mine.
* **Golf Ball**: Or mine!

[*Everyone looks at Pencil.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Mine does. Would you care to know what it says?
* **Golf Ball**: Show us already!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*nemini loquitur*] I was going to do it anyway, not 'cos you told me to...

[*She shows the ecar to the whole group and they all start reading. For the first time, their voices are heard alongside Two as the five of them appear in split-screen vision.*]

* **Two**, **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**, **Golf Ball**, **P****e****nci****l**, **P****i****n**, **R****e****m****ot****e**: This is no longer a reverse race.

[*Silence.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Are we done, then?
* **P****i****n**: Looks like it.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Then we are all the winners. Nice ending, isn't it?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah, but something seems a little off.
* **P****i****n**: Not to me. We're done with what must be the longest contest in history! [*gets out a party hat and some confetti*] *Wya-hooooo!* Now I can go home and add my name to the list of achievements Coiny nailed to the fridge!
* **P****e****nci****l**: H- hold on a second, Pin...
* **P****i****n**: What is it?
* **P****e****nci****l**: If Two is saying that—
* **Two**: This is no longer a reverse race...
* **P****e****nci****l**: And they don't even show up, don't even send one of their inadequate Twobots after us...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That means...
* **Golf Ball**: The race is still going on.
* **P****i****n**: And since it's not a reverse race any more...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's a regular race.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Everyone against everyone.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And didn't Two mention the Big Rotating Building in their last message? [*points to the BRB, which is in the distance*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And in the contest briefing this morning, it was mentioned, that some of us will get immunity, and others will be up for elimination.
* **All**: Sooo...

[*One by one, lightbulbs appear over the contestants as they realize.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Bye. [*Exit.*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wait, Remote, we've still got to taaaaaalk! [*Exit.*]
* **P****i****n**: Hold on, guys, I want a chance to win toooooo! [*Exit.*]
* **Golf Ball**: You are all overestimating my unathleticism! Black Hole, beam me into your orbit so we can make it to the finish line!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But we're not united any more.
* **Golf Ball**: Scoff! [*Exit, very slowly.*]

[*Manet* **Black Hole**.]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Aww, come on, why am *I* the last one here? Huff. [*Exit, hastily, as in* Real TPOT *2*.]

## End of the contest

### **Fovitwe**

**Scene**Night. **Two** has gathered all the eliminated contestants to make an announcement.
* **Bom****by**: Two, what the heck are we doing out here ***IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIIIIIIIGHT?***
* **Two**: It's not the middle of the night; it's only 10 p.m. [*gleefully*] That's ten times two plus two hours after the last time we had a midnight! Anyway, why do I never get to see you eliminated contestants by themselves, like in a normal show? This is two-rrific!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Because some of us have families to take care of.
* **Co****i****ny**: Someone has to tell the kids a bedtime story before they sneak out!
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Yeah, and some of us have friends. I want to be with my band, damn it!
* **Li****y**: I want to be *in* a band! [*Beat.*] A light fixture can dream.
* **Two**: The reason I invited you out here tonight is because I can sense something: one of my remaining contestants is about to cross the finish line in the Yoyleland leg of their reverse race.
* **Baske****t****ball**: The one that you said was unfortunately none of my business and that I should keep my big head out of?
* **Two**: That's right! Wait, I never called your head big.
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*nemini loquitur*] Huh, then where'd I hear that from?
* **C****a****ke**: No clue!
* **Gra****ssy**: Even Golf Ball has mellowed out a bit!

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **Roc****ky**: [*vomits*] Bulleh!
* **Nic****k****el**: Can we go watch the contestants? You don't know how long it's been since I've seen Yoyleland.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Oh, that's rich.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah!
* **Nic****k****el**: Taggy!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh... I was planning a trip to the YL myself for Novruz; I wasn't... actually agreeing.
* **Fan****ny**: Everybody, stop it! I have absolutely no idea why Two has brought us out here, and the fact that nobody is saying anything of significance only makes the situation more unclear to me! I hate this! I want to go back to Flat 10 right now! Lightning, Mick and I have been playing with fortune tellers!
* **Two**: Hold on, Fanny, and everybody else for that matter. I will explain what's going on here, but you'll have to be patient with me.

[*Pause for two seconds.*]

* **Two**: Okay, now I'm ready! Thanks for waiting!
* **B****atter****y**: Really? I have a *Käferbohnensalat* on my plate.
* **Yellow Face**: *Myupp!* I have an *ice cube* on my plate!
* **Ice Cube**: But I'm out here!
* **Yellow Face**: Never mind!
* **Two**: [*sighs*] Okay. I feel them getting closer and closer as I speak, so I'll just say it real quickly: You are all in charge of the home of a still-in contestant while I'm away. I can't be in my watchtower and I hardly trust any of you with my surveillance camera in there, but I do trust you enough to spread out over the Fovitwe and stand in front of a house that I hope will be guarded by only a few of you. You got that? Good. And bye.

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Barf** **Bag**: Wow, that went more smoothly than I thought.
* **S****aw**: Yeah!
* **Need****le**: I'm going home.
* **Snowball**: But shouldst thou not stand guard for the house which thou hast been appointed?
* **Need****le**: As if houses can't take care of themselves; I watched BFDI 17 twice. /s Besides, what's the worst that can happen?
* **B****atter****y**: True that, I'm going back to my late dinner.
* **E****g****gy**: Same! I'm starving.

[*All disperse.*]

### **Finish line: Big Rotating Building**

**Scene***Huc teleportat* **Two**. They look at the scenery and take it in for a while.
* **Two**: Huh, I thought they'd be here by now. [*double-checking for any Contestants*] I should have brought my sofa with me. [*giggles*] Nyuh-huh-huh.

#### *En route* to the finish line

[*Cloud's-eye view of the end of the contest:* *Gone is the desert and the Contestants are back on the "Pillary Ruins" set again.* **Black Hole** *floats towards the Big Rotating Building alone, while the others are on foot:* **Remote** *leads with* **Pencil** *holding onto her (against her will); then follows* **Pin**, *who runs at at a typical pace, and finally* **Golf Ball**, *who runs very slowly. View of Remote and Pencil.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Remote, I really think we should talk.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: While running? That must be hard for you.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Clearly you haven't seen me in IDFB.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I sigh.

[*Remote stops.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What, why'd you stop? We've got a finish line to get to!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Do you really want to know why I keep mentioning you and what's-his-name together?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Five minutes ago I would've done, but not as much now as I'd like this contest completed. Come on.

[*This time Pencil drags Remote along, although Remote soon sets a pace of her own.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Okay, okay, I'll tell you. To be honest, I think you and Pen make a great couple.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Great? Reckon we don't even make the top 10!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I'm serious.
* **P****e****nci****l**: As am I; most fans don't think we should be together in the first place! Have you seen the latest *Earth*? Basically, they've got a whole section full of spells you can recite so we end up with new people.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But you two clearly love each other despite your differences. You're tall—he's taller. He's loud—you're louder. You like to self-deprecate to make up for how you're actually lovable—he likes to self-aggrandize, which is why he ain't all he's cracked up to be (if you know what I mean). You—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, I'm starting to get the picture, down to the ickle details. [*Beat.*] You really think I'm lovable? 'Cos all I get from the tabloids is that the only way I can be watchable is if I were a bit player in *Shape World*.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Of course you can be lovable; you have to be, right? And that is the kind of relationship I want to have with Black Hole. One where we can love each other.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Even though you're both different.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Exactly. Anyway, what's with the sudden advice giveaway? I feel like the token schlub in a sitcom spin-off.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm on such a roll with this friendship thing. I get on much better now with the people here who once disliked me, yet I haven't cracked *your* surface yet; so I figured this is my way of getting to know you so you don't hate me.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't hate you, Pencil. In all honesty. But... [*looks back at the figure of* **Pin** *growing larger*] maybe we can officially be friends in some other place. Like where we don't have to keep running... [*imitating a GPS*] towards the building thirty feet on your right.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Thanks, Remote. We can do that. Perhaps we can have a lunch in Flat 10 one day, just us girls, yeah?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I'd be delighted to food. Now, if you'll excuse me again...

[*Remote picks up her pace. Pencil stops for a bit before* **Pin** *passes her.*]

* **P****i****n**: Meep, meep!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What's that, Vietnamese for *drive thru*? /s
* **P****i****n**: Nope, just passing by!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Huh? [*realizing; nemini loquitur*] Oh bother, we're still in an "obverse" race!

[*Pencil starts running.*]

* **Golf Ball**: [*running after*] Wait for meeeeeeee! Ee-yee!

#### Big Rotating Building

[*A lethargic steel guitar theme plays as Two slumps behind the Big Rotating Building. (As far as we're concerned, it's long past their bedtime.) Suddenly, several voices are heard—it's the Contestants, who rush over, shouting indistinctly. Two gets up at once and starts waving their arms.*]

* **Two**: ***HUMMINA-HUMMINA-HUMMINA!***
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*running backwards*] Look, people, there's Two over there.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, marvellous, and we don't even have to climb the Big Rotating Building.
* **P****i****n**: It's just put there for show, you know!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, literally.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We are on a set.
* **Two**: ***Contestants, I am over here!***

[*View of Two, alone.*]

* **Two**: ***Remember what I said earlier about the immunity thing? As Taggy says, "When you're ready, come and get it!"***

## Post-contest

[*Two is suddenly knocked over by one or two Contestants, but unlike Eraser, this is not intentional. Cut to black.*]

* **Two**: Where... what happened?

[*Two stands up and de-dusts. View of the scene: the tackler is* **Remote**, *still on the ground, having first arrived at the Big Rotating Building with* **Black Hole** *floating above her. Obviously-synthesized triumphant music plays.*]

* **Two**: Congratulations, Remote! You are the winner of this episode's reverse race!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*catching her breath*] H-h-h-hot damn.
* **Two**: That means you win immunity into the final four! That's me times myself!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But... but... but... but...
* **Two**: Let it out, Remo-mo. I've got something else planned for you, but for now, let's see who else arrives. And they should be here in about—

[**Pin** *is the next to appear on the scene—she too tackles Two.*]

* **Two**: Wowzies, that'll leave a mark.
* **P****i****n**: Oof, I'm so sorry, Two!
* **Two**: Don't worry! It will certainly disappear within the next two to the power of two seconds.
* **P****i****n**: Oh, please forgive me for this! Are you hurt?
* **Two**: No, you get used to being tackled. Pin, did you happen to play rugby when you were younger?
* **P****i****n**: No.
* **Two**: Well, you do have a point.
* **P****i****n**: But I didn't say anything!
* **Two**: That's not what I meant. Ow. Anyway, Pin, you are the *second* person here to win immunity! I must congratulate you for that, albeit not as emphatically as I did earlier, with Remote.

[*Pin turns to see Remote, who waves at her.*]

* **P****i****n**: Hi, Remote.

[**Pencil** *suddenly runs into the scene. This time, Two jumps out of the way.*]

* **Two**: Bwa-ha!

[*Two accidentally falls into a bush.*]

* **Two**: Whoops.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, I'm here!
* **Two**: Pencil, you are Contestant #3!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I suppose there's nothing in the world that puts me first anyway. /s So am I safe?
* **Two**: That's not for me to say, well, it's not for me to say indeed! Whether you are safe or not depends on the auditory roast beef that, amidst her robotic orofacial fluids, so floridly spews from the mouth of Contestant #1! [*points to Remote, who looks confused*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Delicious phrasing, Two; I can almost feel myself wanting seconds. /s
* **Two**: We shall leave Remote to her decision, but in the meantime, let's wait for the two people who've *yet* to show up!
* **P****i****n**: Two people?
* **P****e****nci****l**: But there are four of us!
* **Two**: No, there aren't. Remote, Pin and Pencil, you three are the only ones who have finished the contest properly. We're still waiting on Black Hole and Golf Ball to do what they've got to do.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That's not true. Not one bit.
* **Two**: What?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*off-screen*] Um, Two, maybe you could, possibly, make an attempt to look up for once.

[*Two looks up and notices Black Hole above everyone.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I have been floating above you this whole time.
* **Two**: I know that, but you haven't finished the challenge!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wha- but I'm here. By the Big Rotating Building, as you said in your message.
* **Two**: You may be present, Black Hole, but don't you remember what I told you at the beginning of the day?

[*Flashback to part A.*]

**Two**: And that's when you run through the ruins and make your way to the finish line. The first two contestants to touch the ground at the end are immune!
[*End flashback.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oooohhhhh. I have to touch the ground, huh.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I suspect doing it now won't do you any good; you came in fourth.
* **P****i****n**: Sorry for that, Black Hole.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: In that case...

[*Black Hole touches the ground and the immediate surroundings become blindingly light, just like in* Real TPOT *2.* **Remote**, **Pencil** *and* **Pin** *step back and chat on the sidelines.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Is this ground-touching good enough for you? I'm not going to be in last place, and I'm going to *like* it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] Is this his idea of aggression?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I really like this side of him.
* **P****i****n**: Literally? [*nudging her*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Or is it the way he makes everything brighter just by being there? Pen does the same thing, but not "bright" in the sense of light; the "brightness" in my case has to do with—
* **P****e****nci****l**, **P****i****n**, **R****e****m****ot****e**: Intelligence.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Precisely.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah, yeah, yeah. To both of you.
* **Two**: And that means that you, Black Hole, have come *fourth* in my reverse race and will unfortunately be up for elimination! I thought I made the rules clear enough, didn't I?
* **P****i****n**: You sure did, Two, but...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We've had a rough day.
* **Two**: Me too. I've literally *begged* Gaty and Winner to get on with the rest of my T12ation course, but they both insist on keeping me in the dark till the next week! Ah, well, it's time for the voting screen.

### **Voting screen**

**Scene****Two** stands on the floor of the Pillary Ruins set while the artificial stars twinkle behind them. Instead of moving to form the shapes of the contestants up for elimination (as in prior episodes), Two holds up illuminated pieces of paper with the contestants' names and pictures on them. In this episode, Black Hole, Golf Ball and Pencil are up for voting. (In this scene, only Two is speaking on screen; the rest not visible.)
* **Two**: Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you *don't* want to be eliminated! The person with the fewest votes will leave the show! You can vote [A] to save Black Hole, [B] to save Golf Ball or [C] to save Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, happy the Pencil when tricked by the Two. /s
* **Two**: However! If you do choose to save Pencil, there *is* a possibility that your vote will be declared invalid and removed! And that can only happen if Remote decides to save her herself!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*off-screen*] The power of me.
* **Two**: Remote, you have four months to make your decision.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Four months? I only needed four seconds.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Frick.
* **Two**: Oooooh, drama! Don't tell us now, okay?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Okay.

[*Two stares at the camera and waves their arms ever so slightly for a few seconds. The credits roll.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Two, whatever happened to Golf Ball?

[*Harsh breathing sounds can be heard.*]

* **Golf Ball**: I'm... here. Don't wait up for me... people, I... can lie down by myself.
* **Two**: That won't be necessary; it's time for us to go home!
* **Golf Ball**: *Oh no*, we are not going to run thither from the city, are we?
* **Two**: I've got a better idea! Say goodbye to Yoyleland, everyone!

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Güle güle.* [*pronounced "gool gool"*]

[*The voting screen disappears. Return to the Yoyleland scene for the last time. Two claps twice, teleporting themselves and the other contestants off the set and back to the Fovitwe. Fade to black.*]

## Stinger

### **Flat 2**

**Scene**11:00 p.m. All the lights in the flat seem to be off. Enter **Pencil**, looking very merry in the traditional sense. She is holding a large takeaway bag.
#### Living room

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*jumping through the doorway*] What ho, Benno!

[*Silence.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Hope you don't mind my acting like this; Pin and I've just had some apple juice in Flat 10 and we played "Ne'er Have I E'er: The BFDI Edition". We're practically on a middle-name basis now!

[*Silence. Pencil looks around.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Hello? Why's nobody here? I'm almost sure this is our flat; I was in four others before I ended up in this one!

[*Silence.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I brought food!

[*Sound of a lamp turning off.*]

#### Kitchen

[**Pen** *is sitting alone at the table. He seems to be concentrating intensely on something. Enter* **Pencil**, *who turns on the big light.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Hullo.
* **P****en**: Hi.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'll hate myself for asking this but... what are you looking at?
* **P****en**: Plant.

[*He points at the small houseplant on the table in front of him.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Why?
* **P****en**: Maybe it'll grow.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, all our plants are plastic. They don't grow.
* **P****en**: I'm plastic and I grew!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wait, Pen... what happened to the kids?

[*Pen hands Pencil a folded piece of paper. She sits down next to him.*]

* **P****en**: Here. Found earlier. Don't worry, they didn't, y'know, turn into paper; they just... well... read it.

[*Pencil unfolds the letter. It is written in the style of a ransom note,* i.e.*, several clippings from a magazine have been arranged to form a message.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Omg.
* **P****en**: Yeah, they used up this week's *Telly Guide*.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, and now we won't know what happens in the next *After Sen-ry*. /s Let's see, what does this say?

[*Pencil reads it aloud.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: "Dear Pencil and Pen. The 10 of us are going into town to catch a flick, have dinner and win a lil sthg at the arcade. Don't worry we will be back at around 12:00 AM so we can have more fun like we did today!" [*to Pen, referring to the ">:)"*] And then there's a greater-than symbol, a colon and an upside-down *C*.
* **P****en**: Yeah, I, I turned it on its side; it makes a happy face with big eyebrows.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Like yours.
* **P****en**: Thank you, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Now I understand: you're upset 'cos you had so much fun with the kids and now that they're gone, you sort of miss them. You know what? I feel the same way. Actually, today during the contest I was thinking about this family and I realize that I'm not spending time away from you to get away; it's so I can gain a power that can *help* us. I know I come across to others as a selfish person who's only got her interests in mind, but I've learnt a thing or two about others, namely that how they feel is important as well.
* **P****en**: I see the reverse race was as awesome as you said it'd be.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Mm-hmm. But am I right? Tell me I'm right!
* **P****en**: 'Bout what?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You want them to come back, the whole lot of them! You have to!
* **P****en**: Oh, Penc...

[*He holds Pencil's hand.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Whatever you'll say next, I dread it.
* **P****en**: Pencil, how can I want 'em back if they don't want me here in the first place?
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Eh?* They're your kids too, and to be clear, that means *you* are their father!
* **P****en**: They sure as heck don't treat me like one! I tell ya, while you were out, they locked me in the bathroom 'cause they hate me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: They don't *hate* you; they're just trying to get used to you.
* **P****en**: Doubt it. Penc, I'm really scared to tell you this, but... [*looks away, nervously*]

#### Living room

[**Pen** *gets up and goes to the front door, which is still open from Pencil's arrival.* **Pencil** *follows him.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Whoa, where d'ye think you're going? It's nearly midnight and still a holiday; the gym's almost certainly closed!
* **P****en**: I'm going to Coiny's! When those nine super meanies come back, they can have the flat to 'emselves. *I'm* the problem, and I know when no one wants me. So I just gotta do this. That way everyone can be happy.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, this ain't a "Leafy's Garden"–type situation; you can't just take the easy way out and leave just 'cos you feel like it.
* **P****en**: I am not leaving; I just don't want to live in a place where my value's el zippo!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I think you're at least somewhat valuable, and so does Sonny!
* **P****en**: I know, that's why I promise to come by at least five times a day see you two. But the others? Hardly at all.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, so you're not *leaving*-leaving; you're just spending time with yourself, but you'll still see your girlfriend and your first-known son.
* **P****en**: Of course. I still love you guys very much, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And I don't find it that difficult to live with you.

[*Beat. If the canned laugh track were present, it would go "Ooooooohhh". Pencil crosses her arms as Pen picks up a suitcase labelled "Pictures of me".*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Suppose I can't be cross with you now; I'm not a fan of restricting people's movement, and every couple needs time to themselves now and then. Fine. It's about time we followed the agony columns anyway. But as soon as even *one* of those "super meanies" says, "I want my daddy", don't expect to come here without hearing an "I told you so" from yours truly. [*raises an eyebrow and smiles pertly*] By the way, Pen, how will you know when the kids are here? You can't see through walls!
* **P****en**: I'll just know. 'Cause I'm so smart. Yep. [*tongue "pop" sound*] Smartest fella on the Fovitwe. Ol' Benny G.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I must be the queen of suspension of disbelief. /s
* **P****en**: God, I love it when you act smug.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Must be 'cos I start to act like you.
* **P****en**: [*whispers*] Damn!

### **Outside**

**Scene****Pen** walks outside. **Pencil** does too, but only to stand by the front door to watch him leave for the night.
* **P****en**: Well, if you need me, I'll be in a flat where *everyone* knows me and likes me, even young Lincoln and Visa.
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's *Lisa*! And... good luck, Pen. I love you.
* **P****en**: Love you too, ya son of a gun.

[*They kiss goodbye.* **Pen** *walks over to Flat 3, where Coiny, Pin and their children live. Pencil looks a bit sad at first, but she then starts to laugh quietly when Pen is invited in.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Heheheh. [*nemini loquitur*] Ah, I'll give him ten seconds to explain himself, and once he learns that Pin and I are such close friends inasmuch as we support one another...

[*A hand (most likely* **Pin***'s) physically shoves Pen out of the flat and throws his suitcase out with him.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*points and laughs*] Ha-*ha!*
* **P****en**: Never mind, I'm going to Eraser's!

[*Pencil gives Pen a cheeky wave as he scurries through the Fovitwe to Eraser's flat.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Now there's something I can say I rank first in. Being right. *Whoo!*

[*Pencil dusts her hands and fist pumps the air, thus FINALLY ending the episode.*]

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes (from part C)

* Leafy was going to be the "wildcard guest star from the post-split era" (not Bubble). Cloudy would have shown Two on his YeFone a video of one of her sermons in which she talks about gay people in a positive way, just insensitively phrased. Her line about how some of her best teammates are "homobowluals" was transferred to Cloudy at the end of the scene.
* The original (skeleton) text for when the Contestants approach Two:

[*Pencil and the others approach Two, who is in the middle of something.*]
**Someone**: We want you to recover Remote.
**Two**: Sure.
**Golf Ball**: What is going on?
**Two**: [*something hesitant*]
**P****i****n**: What is going on?
[*Two says nothing.*]
**Golf Ball**: Two probably doesn't want to divulge anything in front of you.
**P****i****n**: [*gets into an argument with Golf Ball which drags on for several sentences*]
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: ***STOP!***
[*Pause.*]
**Two**: Wow! That's the first time, if I were to see you speaking, that you ended a sentence in an exclamation mark!
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, that's, that's something.
**Two**: Why, it makes me want to...
[*Sneezes out one cylinder of the recovered.* **Remote** *comes out.*]
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, that's, that's nasty.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Excuse you?
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, not you (of course); it's just that Two—
**P****e****nci****l**: Come on, we've got no time for this. Let's go.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Can somebody hold onto Remote? Not that I'm of the overprotective type, I just want her to be alive, in the same way that you and I are.
**P****e****nci****l**, **Golf Ball** and **P****i****n**: *refuse*
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*shrugging*] Well, it looks like we're back to being a duo.

* At the bottom of the Yoyle Needy, Pencil was going to get hit in the face with an ecar again. I traded for a scene I had in my head longer this one:

[*Enter* **Pencil** *and* **Remote**. **Black Hole**, **Pin** *and* **Golf Ball** *are already there—the latter is holding an Ecarr Launcherr.*]
**Golf Ball**: Are you ready, Remote?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: I am.
**P****e****nci****l**: Wait, what about me—
[*The Launcherr shoots five ecfars at the Contestants. Pencil's hits her in the face.*]
**P****e****nci****l**: Ow.
**P****i****n**: Let's read!
[*Pin notices a bunch of onlookers in the lobby looking at her.*]
**P****i****n**: But maybe in some dark corner of the room where I can't be recognized.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Good idea.
**P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Pin, you're so humble. It's almost a reminder that I'm no longer in my flat.
[*Golf Ball shakes her head slowly as she starts to read Two's message.*]

* There were supposed to be two more checkpoints than there turned out to be: one of them was the Sun (of post-split BFB fame) and the other was the Big Rotating Building (which was only supposed to be a checkpoint rather than the location of the finish line).
* Pin during the Yoyle Studios scene:

**P****i****n**: What does she [*Lollipop*] know? She got eliminated!

* When Match opens the door, Pen should be able to recognize that he's freed... right? If he were any less intelligent, this line would have to be left in:

**P****en**: So I could escape. Hold up, let me try again. [*about to jump up*]
**Ma****tch**: Omg! Didn't you see? I, like, opened the door for you.
[*Pen looks at the door.*]
**P****en**: Gee, that makes perfect sense! You wouldn't be in here if you hadn't... oh, yeah! The door!
**Ma****tch**: Uh-huh, now you're getting it!
**P****en**: Thanks, Match, I owe ya one!

* An alternate line from Match and Pen's "heart-to-heart" scene:

**Ma****tch**: I see the home exercise kit we got you for Christmas has been put to good use. /s
**P****en**: It's in the den and I'm fine, thanks for asking. /s [*sigh*] Anyway, I wasn't working out; I was aiming for the vent.

* And another one:

**P****en**: *Li mè figghi mi òdianu e scàppanu pi colpa mia!*
**Ma****tch**: Slow down, dude, I only know, like, basic Yiddish!

* And another one:

**Ma****tch**: You're my *good* brother; Eraser's out with Weena in that hotbed of sin.
**P****en**: Is he buying dreidels again?
**Ma****tch**: Yep.
**P****en**: [*sighs*] Weena, now *that's* a pretty name.

* Golf Ball was *supposed* to explain her reasons for not wanting to explore the Science Museum with the other Contestants. The sub-bullet would have clarified what made her so nervous in the first place—that is, an explanation for her still-unexplained flashback that horrified her back in IDFB. I decided to keep it vague for two reasons: it's one of the more popular unanswered questions in the series, and there was already a "gentle music", *Full House*-esque dialogue in the episode, in the scene right before it. But here's how I would have explained it (either in prose or in verse, either spoken or sung):
	+ Sometime in the 1950s, when Golf Ball was a school principal in Iowa, she led the entire senior class on a field trip to Yoyle City, which was still inhabited before it became "long-lost" (although the population had been in steep decline for many years before). While she showed her students some of the most most oustanding achievements of the pre-abandonment Yoyle civilization, she had unwittingly entered a future crime scene.
		- For there in the museum lurked an "Unknown Shadow", *i.e.*, a supernatural force or possibly a physical being (I was being vague), who caused the entire city to be deserted by the time the BFDIA contestants visited it in 1965. And this shadow was after exactly one person: a Yoyleland-born student—incidentally, one of the last living emigrants to flee the old regime—whose name was "Bozo".
			* And that means that the little sphere in the flashback was not a smaller version of Golf Ball being attacked by one of her student subordinates (as I had assumed last year), but a student himself, who was supposed in the custody of his chaperone and his residence in the U.S.A. But because of her perceived negligence from her "returning him" to the country from which he and his family had exiled themselves, he was brutally smacked with a club to the point of spiked death.
			* Nobody knows anything about the Unknown Shadow's motives outside the realm of politics. Not even me, but that's only because I couldn't be bothered to write more about it. It's still fascinating to think about.
				+ I should add that Yoyleland is not a metaphor for Turkey. Not at all. At first I considered it to be one, but then I thought it better to write it as a *part* of the country instead, just as Moderation Island (TPOT 42) is a mixture of various Mediterranean countries in one.
		- As for why Tennis Ball didn't know about all this in IDFB, it's because he was cursed with a sleeping spell. Something about *Sleeping Beauty* being released, I don't know.
	+ Furthermore, this would also have explained the reason Golf Ball behaves so neurotically and protectively in certain areas of her life, as well as the personality traits that make others perceive her as "bossy". (In truth, this was the main reason why such an explanatory scene had to be deleted: If the audience were to learn *why* Golf Ball acts in such a way that she becomes a literal plot point in most of the 1970s episodes, it would be a far more shocking relevation than the fact that Pen and Pencil have nine other kids they previously knew nothing about.)
* The first lines inside the Science Museum:

**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So this is what a rejuvenated science museum looks like.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: I'm surprised Golf Ball doesn't want to see it. Isn't she into that re-ju-ve-nation stuff?
**P****e****nci****l**: No, that was me. *I'm* the one with the Jewish boyfriend, remember? /j
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Ahaha, right.
[*Exit* **Remote**, *joining Pin in the background.*]

* Golf Ball was going to actually go through the museum on the Contestants' route to the YYT Studios for a second time. I removed the scene for the sake of time, even though it did involve Golf Ball conquering her fear of the museum (and what went on inside).
* This "amazing" piece of dialogue that didn't make it in for time:

**P****e****nci****l**: What the frick d'ye keep mentioning Pen for?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Why am I being targeted?
**P****e****nci****l**: You think I don't know what happened between you two in the past? The way you mention his name out of the blue, make little hints about him, it's like you're taunting me or something! I shan't let it pass me by again—he's mine! And now that he's the father of my ten children, he's *doubly* mine!
**R****e****m****ot****e**: I think you mean "mine *tenfold*".
**P****e****nci****l**: Ah!
**Golf Ball**: I don't care what you all say; I'm running ahead of you! This puelline drama is too much for my grand cerebrum.
[*Golf Ball tries to run as fast as she can, but only just manages to be a few inches ahead.*]
**P****i****n**: Pencil, aren't you OMPF-overreacting a bit?
**P****e****nci****l**: [*sighs silently*] Ah, you're right. Once again I was being immature and going against my own principles. Remote, forgive me. We should be working together; I mean... we're the last duo to hail from the same hometown.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Nairobi residents, baby.
**P****e****nci****l**: And there's no point in a rivalry when we've got to be in the same place at the same time here.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: We are the dupes of Two's competition.
**P****e****nci****l**: And... hehehehehe... I don't think Pen's your type these days, innit?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh, no way, he's too average.
**P****e****nci****l**: What do you mean he's too average? He cares more about others than most No-bell prize winners. His smile is so sweet it causes high blood pressure. He's the only restaurant singer with a sleaziness rating under 2 out of 5!
**R****e****m****ot****e**: But I like Black Hole.

* I narrowed it down to this, before making the dialogue even shorter because of the conversation they had in the scene after Two arrived:

**P****e****nci****l**: [*sighs silently*] Ah, you're right. Once again, I was being immature. After all, Pen was the one who made a pass at you, 'cos he didn't have anybody like me around. Oh, p'r'aps we shouldn't even fight over something like this in the first place—we're both post-colonial women! It'd be a wonder if either of us win!
**R****e****m****ot****e**: We'll make headlines. Besides, I don't like Pen like that; I found him way too bland for me.
**P****e****nci****l**: He ain't bland to me. By the way, Remote, what do you fancy? The supernatural?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Damn right I do; I like Black Hole.

* I was going to put this line somewhere:

**P****e****nci****l**: Oh, and one more thing? Don't try to act all strangely when he's around you; then he'll know something's up for sure.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: He can pick up on extraterrestrial signals. I think he has ESFP.
**P****e****nci****l**: That's... not exactly the letters I'd use to describe him, but I'll take your word for it.

* And this... the episode was getting long, even though I thought of this dialogue for a few months now! To think it was either this or my mentioning of *Shape World* that I thought would resonate better with the audience of one/myself:

**P****e****nci****l**: And what sort of differences do you two have?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Don't say it's because we're both darker than average; that's a cheap note.
**P****e****nci****l**: No, not that! By the way, what d'ye think I am? Ultraviolet?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Ha.
**P****e****nci****l**: I was saying that you two are much more similar—ergo possibly compatible with each other—than Pen and I am.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: But I think we're different.
**P****e****nci****l**: How so?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: For starters, he's Muslim—
**P****e****nci****l**: So what? At uni I went steady with an Ivorian bloke. Nice fellow, really. My father didn't seem to mind 'cos he was the son of a marabout. He was always a fan of strong leadership or people with connections thereto.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Okay, but then there's the fact that he's ace. [*Pause.*] Of the "abowlual" persuasion, that's what it means.
**P****e****nci****l**: Don't talk to me like I've missed out on the seventies; I watch television. Thought you were ace too, surely?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Sure, but I'm willing to make an exception. Is there a word for that?
**P****e****nci****l**: How should I know? I missed out on the seventies! /j
**R****e****m****ot****e**: A-e-h, probably doesn't matter.
**P****e****nci****l**: Well, you know what you want and that's a good thing.

* The race was going to end in the Posterior Arena of the Fovitwe (the hilly part of the land) and not at the Big Rotating Building *or* in a pile of mud near an outhouse (which is where the contest was going to end before I settled on the BRB). I wanted to make the ending as undramatic as possible to contrast it with the *next* contest.

## Notes

1. ↑ It took me way too long to find the word for this, so I made up my own. This is the "part of the wall that juts outwards near the ceiling of the room but stops at a certain point to form its own very short ceiling below the ceiling proper, on which things can be placed if a person is tall enough, but which, on account of its height, usually remains bare and collects dust instead".
2. ↑ Yes, fuzz plugs. (As of the late '80s, TB's balding.)
3. ↑ Sorry, I just want Pin to speak more syllables—she's not even in the top 10!
4. ↑ This scene only exists because I wanted all the eliminated contestants to have lines in TPOT 45.
5. ↑ It's one line of evidence, but that's sufficient enough for me!
6. ↑ Not to mention: IDFB isn't exactly "cancelled". I bet it's just like *Roseanne*—ready to be rebooted, like, twenty thousand years later. On second thought, comparing IDFB to *Roseanne* isn't that weird.
7. ↑ And here I was assuming in my six-year-old review of the episode that it was something you-know-what-y! Oops!

**Fake TPOT** [V]