King Falls Sponsors

# King Falls Municipality

Occasionally, King Falls AM plays ads for PSAs and town events. This includes organisations like the King Falls Chamber of Commerce, the King Falls Coroner’s Office, the King Falls Sheriff Department, and King Falls Forever. They talk about events like the Best Small Town in America Celebration, as well as announcements about park closures, fairs, zombie alerts, and current news. Ads featured in episode 17, 25, 36, 38, 41, 65, 80, 84.

## Best Small Town in America

Ads featured in 17, 41, 65.
“(In two weeks come join King Falls AM at the Main Street Park for a special presentation.) Hi, I’m Mayor Steven Grisham, and it’s that joyous time once again, folks. Come join myself, the King Falls Chamber of Commerce, and all our wonderful residents in commemorating a very special day in King Falls history. (You are cordially invited to join us in celebrating our wonderful town being voted The Best Small Town in America by the King Falls Chamber of Commerce for the seventh straight year.) Come on down Friday, January fifteenth, and help us kick off another amazing year in our lovely town. There will be live music, fun and games for the kids, that weird food truck, and a special announcement by yours truly. (The festivities begin at noon with a special ribbon cutting ceremony hosted by Mayor Grisham and King Falls AM’s own Sammy Stevens and Ben Arnold.) So, come join the biggest party of the year! And let us all hope big number seven is our lucky number.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, allow me the pleasure of inviting each and every one of our fine, upstanding King Falls residents to the eighth annual Best Small Town in America Celebration and Ceremony. It pleases me beyond belief to see our humble little town bestowed this great honour yet again. (I’m Burt Gladstone of Channel 13 Action News and together, Mayor Grisham, Maggie Masterson, and I will be hosting the festivities down at Main Street Park Friday, January twentieth.) Come meet old Burt and Maggie from Channel 13, listen to my favourite crewna Dusty Reynolds serenade us into the evening and maybe even take a chance down at that weird food truck. G--damn, I thought we shut that thing down last year. Hm. Maybe ought to stick to one of the other fine eateries in the vicinity, friends. And last, but certainly not least, come watch our beloved mayor and my friend, Mr. Steven Grisham, be sworn in for a record-setting third term. It will be a sight to behold, King Falls. (That’s Friday, January twentieth at the Main Street Park, because something worth a damn has to happen that day.)”

“Hello, King Falls AM listeners and residents of our idyllic mountain town. I am Howard Ford Beauregard the third and I am here to welcome you to the eighth annual Best Small Town in America celebration. That’s right, King Falls has once again been named the best place to live in all these United States, and our fair city will be hosting an array of celebrations to commemorate the event. (Pardon me while I stuff your turkey… Come on, please, tickle these giblets…) King Falls very own country and western singing sensation Dusty Reynolds will be playing a small acoustic set. There will be food items available for purchase from such wonderful local restaurants as Granny Frickard’s Froggery, and I’m told, a weird food truck. Do lowlies really partake in morsels from vehicles now? Disgusting. And… believable. You can even meet Channel 13’s own Burt Gladstone, and I’m told he’ll be putting his signature on tintypes. Photographs! Photographs is what I meant. Edit that in, yard boy! All of the wonderful town leaders will be on hand, except for myself, Howard Ford Beauregard the third. I do have a previous engagement during the day, unfortunately. However, if you’d like to shake hands with the greatness of Mayor Steven Grisham or give a heartfelt thank you to Sheriff Judd Gunderson for keeping the riffraff off the streets of our magnificent safe haven, you are more than welcome to do so. And lastly, you can be with your friends and neighbours in celebrating your amazing taste in living in such a beautiful community. That is Saturday, January twentieth at the Main Street Park. Eat, drink, and be… well, King Falls.”
## Coroner's PSA

Ads featured in 25.
“Hi, King Falls and listeners of King Falls AM. I’m King Falls’ County Coroner, Dr. Jeffery Rosenblum. It’s come to the town’s attention that a certain percentage of deceased pets, albeit a very low number in all actuality, have been leaving their eternal resting places in backyards all over town and showing up in the darnedest of places. If you or someone you know has witnessed the phenomenon or encountered a long-lost pet firsthand, please do not interact with the aforementioned critter. Please call us at the King Falls County Coroner’s Office. Again, just because little Fido or Kitty-Kitty has made a Christ-like return to your doorstep doesn’t mean you should take them in, touch them, or even look in their general direction. Please differ to the professionals in this matter. Thank you for your time. Stay golden, Ponyboy. Aha. Aha. Ha ha. Ha.”
## King Falls Forever PSA

Ads featured in 36.
“Hello friend. I’m Fredrick Osbourne, caretaker of King Falls Forever, King Falls favourite peace garden for all of our fallen loved ones. It’s come to my attention as well as the higher ups that we have had a disturbing amount of kids, creeps, coming to get their Halloween kicks at the expense of the old neighbourhood necropolis. I understand, it’s exhilarating to knock boots on a crisp night on a crypt, I was a kid once too, but if you think I’m gonna stand by while you hooligans are knocking over headstones and digging up bones, well, then you’ve got another thing coming. We here at King Falls Forever have looked into the laws and bylaws of punishing you trespassers to the fullest extent of the- what the-? (Oh. Good evening, Freddie.) Scared the bejesus out of me, Doc. I, um, am trying to record an ad for- for the radio. Is there something I can help you with? Hey, uh, why are you carrying those tools for digging? (Oh, just taking a… evening… stroll…) What’s in the bag? (What bag? Oh, this bag. That’s just lunch. Hm.) Right… Evening, Doc. (Gotta dip, dive, and socialise, boo.) Uh… yeah. So, yeah! You kids… don’t come looking to King Falls Forever thinking you can hang out here, ’cause you can’t unless you’re planning on doing the old six feet sleep. Don’t be creeping here after dusk. We’re watching you.”
## King Falls Kumquat Festival

Ads featured in 38.
“Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! The carnies are starting to get stir crazy, which means the last days of the King Falls Kumquat festival ends this weekend! We have everything! Artery-clogging foods on the midway, including award-winning Mrs. Kim’s Korean Kumquat Kimchi. Make sure to bring your adventurous side and ride the most action-packed carnival rides! Unlimited ride armbands are just twelve dollars. Who cares if these rides weren’t there two weeks ago? They’re safe. Maybe. Who cares? And don’t forget to come and watch all your local favourites. There’ll be live music from hometown troubadour Dusty Reynolds and special appearance by Big Pine heavyweight wrestling champion Dirty Dick Douglas as he competes in a twenty-man battle royale. (Let me tell you something, brother. Dirty Dick Douglas didn’t keep this ten-pound of gold ’round this waist by hiding from challenges! Dirty Dick takes all comers! No battle royale’s gonna scare off the champ, Dirty Dick ain’t going down!) The last days of the King Falls Kumquat Festival are here, so don’t delay! Admission is only ten dollars or bring five new and unopened canned goods for free admission! That’s ten dollars or five cans of Franks and Beans, your choice! The King Falls Kumquat Festival, it ain’t too hot for a ’quat.”
## King Falls Sheriff Department PSAs

Ads featured in 80, 84.
“Howdy, folks! It’s Sheriff Troy Kreighauser here, and I’d like to talk to you for a minute about the power of kindness. For the last month, myself, Deputy Lynch, and some of the fine law officers of King Falls have had to break up quite a few fights and kerfuffles down at the Main Street Park. Arguments, jaw jacking, and some old school pushing and shoving ain’t going to cut it, y’all. I’m not the type of law man that wants to hand out tickets like candy to my neighbours or book my friends into the municipal bed and breakfast. And to make sure you don’t bunk up with Creepy Carl, we gotta all start exercising the power of kindness. When we look for the worst in others, we’re bound to find it. So, instead of telling the daddy of kid climbing up the slide that he’s a no-good deadbeat so-and-so, tell him “Hey partner, show your boy there’s a ladder on the other side of that thing for a reason.” or maybe just offer up a smile instead of a knuckle sandwich with cheese. In days like these, I know it’s hard to concentrate on the good in the world, but be the good you want to see, and maybe others will follow your lead. Also, listen to your fellow man, wo-man, or whatever they may identify as and remember that kumbaya is way better than blah-blah-blah. ’Preciate your time, folks. This is Sheriff Troy Kreighauser for a better tomorrow today. Over and out.”

“Howdy, everybody out there listening in King Falls and the surrounding listening area! This is Sheriff Troy Kreighauser with an important announcement. While the Main Street Park has been closed until further notice, that doesn’t mean that the person and or persons who have caused all the meanspirited mischief down there have been apprehended. Actually, far from it! After a top secret sting operation carried out by some of King Falls finest- talking to you, Katie- as well as Phoenix and the fellas down at Phoenix Flint’s Hi-Fi Spy Store, we think we have found the problem, but not the solution to our issues down at the Main Street Park. One Gwendolyn the Hateful, aka Gwendolyn the Racist Witch, aka Gwendolyn the Gruesome, aka GwennyHeartsTrumpy99 was seen on real hi-fi equipment, spreading her hateful views and more importantly, hexing the whole damn park after hours nearly nightly! While we don’t know the full extent of the spells being cast over our lovely park, you can bet your bottom dollar that all the fighting, cussing, and just downright meanery has sprouted from the seeds that tiny, little devil-woman has grown the past few months. So, until further notice, the Main Street Park is closed for your safety and ours. That is, until that mean-butted, hate-filled enchantress is caught, and iffen you should see her, you know you need to get myself, Katie, or any of the other fine King Falls law enforcement officers on the horn right away. This is Sheriff Troy Kreighauser signing off, reminding you to keep trying for a better tomorrow, today.”
## King Falls’ 2016 Election

During the 2016 Mayoral Election season, King Falls AM played ads for all three candidates, Mayor Steven Grisham, Ron Begley, and Herschel Baumgartner.

Ads featured in episodes 22, 29, 31, 33, 37.
### Steven Grisham

“Hi, I’m Steven Grisham, resident and mayor of our great little mountain town, King Falls. Under my watchful eye, King Falls has prospered. Crime and unemployment rates have fallen, and the streets are virtually clear of all the apparition gang wars that plagued our beautiful town in the past. Regardless of what certain detractors might have to say, there’s simply no better choice for our town if we want to keep it growing and flourishing. That’s obviously why I ran unopposed the last two elections. Vote Grisham 2016 for a better tomorrow today. I’m Mayor Steven Grisham, and I approve this message.”

**(Supporting Mayor Grisham)** “Well, well, well, if it isn’t my favourite AM radio station. How you doing, Sammy? Benemy? I’m not here to talk about how this lousy radio station is ruining our magnificent community, I’m here to talk to you about the upcoming mayoral election. You see, Steven Grisham has been running this town for years! And the guy just knows what he’s doing. He’s friendly, generous with his time, and really cares about us folks here in King Falls. I’m asking you, not only as a friend, but as a concerned citizen, to vote Mayor Steven Grisham this November. With his proven track record, and dashing smile, he’ll take our little town to heights we haven’t even imagined. You won’t get that with some lake monster-riding denim cut-off-wearing goof like Begley! Use your head, and your heart, and vote Grisham 2016. Also, what are you doing with your lives? Turn off this lousy gd radio station, because Ben Arnold and his stupid, idiot buddy can go fly a gosh darn kite. (I’m Mayor Steven Grisham, and I approve this message.)”

**(Supporting Mayor Grisham)** “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of King Falls, especially all you undecided voters out there listening. My name is Howard Ford Beauregard the third and I’m here to talk to you about a man I’ve come to know the past two terms. A man we’ve watched grow up from a game-winning, touchdown-throwing quarterback for the King Falls Lumberjacks to the man we see before us, leading our small town in the direction of peace and prosperity. Yes, friends, I’m talking about Mayor Steven Grisham. While I’m sure the seaman from the worm place does an adequate job selling fish food to water-goers, I highly doubt he can deal with the daily intricacies of running a town, and do not get me started on that foul-mouthed numbskull with whom I am disgusted to even share my initials with. He isn’t fit to run a sleezy senior citizen’s lemon party talk hotline, much less a town the likes of King Falls! Do yourself a favour and vote for the man who has dedicated his life to ensure you lowlies have the best possible time in the small amount of it you have on this earth. Vote Steven Grisham for mayor of King Falls. Pete! Turn this recording device off at once! (distantly) I’ll be in my chambers listening to phonographs.”

### Ron Begley

“My name is Ron Begley and I was born and raised in our lovely little town of King Falls. I’m a small business owner and I’m just an everyday guy, much like many of you listening to this, except you everyday ladies, of course. I’m not gonna run on and waste a lot of your precious time, I’m a concerned citizen, just like you. But, instead of taking the heaping piles of sh--, excuse my language, that our current mayor and government hand down in spoonfuls to us, I’ve decided to do something about it. I’m throwing my hat in and running for mayor of King Falls this election. Unlike my opponent, I’m not a slick career politician. I usually say what I’m thinking, and damn it, I let you know where I stand on the issues. There’s no hidden agenda with Ron Begley, and you can bet your britches that I’m going to do what’s best for you when it comes to making the big decisions. I’m hard-working, I’m smart and ethical, and by god, I’m a pretty righteous baritone in the Big Pines Men’s Chorus. (He’s a man’s! man’s! man!) Vote Begley 2016. I f---ing approve this message. (He’s a man’s man’s man…)”

### Herschel F. Baumgartner

“Look, I’m not here to waste your time talking about feelings and thoughts, I’m here to talk to you about cold, hard facts. (You tell ’im, Hersch!) Dammit, you pickled pig penis, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do, so hush your damn hooch hatch. Anywho, what’s going on here? Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Cold hard facts. Fact number one: Mayor Steven Grisham is a lowdown, dirty son of a gun. Closing down boat ramps? Parks for the young’uns? Putting up a curfew just because he says so? I was killing enemies of the United States of A since before he was swimming around in his daddy’s uneven ball bag. Fact number two: I’m a friend of Ron Begley, he’s a good man, and an honest man, and I honestly don’t care where he parks his pecker when it comes to liking men. My biggest issue with him, and I don’t have many, is that, well, who the hell’s going to run the Bait and Tackle out of Lake Hatchenhaw if his lumberjack ass is off wearing suits? And the bait shop and I think it’s only fitting if he sees her through to the next generation. (I don’t think he’s going to make a next generation with his current preferences, Hersch.) Oh, pipe down! Gays can buy babies just like movie stars. He’d be a damn fine dad, too. (I like him too, Hersch.) Look, I ain’t no commie bastard like Grisham, and I’m not a man with a God-given job like Begley. I believe as long as you ain’t hurting nobody with your dumb choices, that you’re free to make all the dumb choices you want. I ain’t going to impose on you and you’re definitely not going to impose on me. Together, we’ll keep King Falls exactly how it should be. (Here, here!) Vote Herschel Baumgardner for mayor this November. Or don’t, I ain’t your f---ing boss.”
# King Falls AM

Some ads on the show are King Falls AM local, either paid for by people who work at the station or advertising other shows on the station.

This is, on one occasion, an ad for the whole station. Featured in episode 88.
"[Hello there, my ladies and babies, it’s your friend and late-night staple, Chet Sebastian of Chet Sebastian’s Jazz Corner.] And I’m Ben Arnold of King Falls AM’s own the Sammy and Ben Show. (And I’m Sammy Stevens.) …Say- Tell them where you’re from. (They can figure it out, I believe in them.) [Any damn way, listeners of King Falls AM, in town specifically, and the surrounding areas, we are pleased to announce we are gonna be hiring a brand new, on-air talent.] (In an… unprecedented announcement from our station owner, Merv-) [Unprecedented email.] Right. (We are not gonna be looking at, y’know, current radio personalities looking for a different job in a new market.) No, we are going to be putting out feelers to you, the listeners of King Falls AM. Station is looking for someone who is passionate about talk radio and our beautiful mountain town. (And someone who hopefully has some experience in being an on-air personality.) [Somebody who is hot as fire and easy as Sunday morning.] Chet! [I might’ve adlibbed that last part. Sorry, folks.] We- We are looking to you, the community that cares about our town and one another, that wants to do good, help each other, listen to and solve people’s problems. Somebody who knows King Falls inside and out that can help raise up our mountain town. (Please just stop by the station during our daytime operating hours of-) -Nine AM to three PM and fill out an application, or you can email us your information and attach why you believe you would be best choice- (-For the most coveted spot in all of talk radio: the morning drive!) [Just include a couple of nudes- I mean pictures. Just for identification purposes. Make sure there aren’t any weird moles or anything.] (Mm-hm.) Thank… you… for listening to King Falls AM, and hopefully someday soon, that’ll be your line."
## Sammy Stevens and Ben Arnold

Occasionally, Sammy and Ben buy slots on the show, generally to celebrate townsfolk and friends of the show or each other. This also includes paying for rerun ads when they need to extend breaks. Ben also used to run their advertising department, thus resulting in Sammy and Ben occasionally recording ads on behalf of advertisers, as seen in Rose’s Diner, Creepy Carl, or Ed Shambley. Ads featured in 39, 75.
“Hi folks, I’m Sammy Stevens, and with me as always is my co-host and best friend, Ben Arnold. (It has not gone unnoticed by us here at 660 on the AM dial that a lot of you were disheartened by the recent election results.) Mayoral and otherwise. (Right, and we’re going to be honest, we are disheartened too. Ron Begley is a good man, an honest man.) A man’s man’s man. ([clears throat] That. And the man that we believed, and seemingly, a lot of you believed, was right for the job of mayor.) Unfortunately, though we believe there was a hefty dose of- (Shenanigans.) Ron conceded the election to Mayor Grisham, and though he agrees there were a lot of signs pointing to foul play, his love of this town has urged him to play by the rules and start the healing process. (Just to be clear, Ron Begley does not know about this ad. (laughs) Hi, Ron. And it is completely paid for by the Sammy and Ben Show.) Ron, you’re a hell of a guy and you would have made a wonderful mayor. Though we disagree with not taking the election and it’s- (Shenanigans.) To another level, to press other agencies to get involved, we appreciate the work you put in to becoming mayor of this damn fine town. (And continue to be impressed with your wherewithal and the idea to not further fracture and divide King Falls with an elongated recount process.) Ron Begley, you’re the hero King Falls needs and this show has your back in whatever the future may bring. (Stay gold, Begley-Boy.)”

“Hi, I’m Sammy Stevens formerly of King Falls AM, the very station you’re listening to right now. While I’d like to take this time to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for an amazing three years here in this (breaths) special mountain town, I actually have something a bit more important to talk about: The King Falls Sheriff Election this upcoming November, where you, the citizens of King Falls, decide between the inbred incumbent Judd Gunderson and the man who deserves your vote, Troy Kreighauser. We all know Troy’s a man of integrity, a man of honour, and a man of his word. That’s a hard thing to come by in this day and age, especially in this town. For the past three years as co-host of the Sammy and Ben Show I’ve watched my best friend, (breaths deeply) Ben Arnold, go from a man who loved his hometown to a journalist watching suspect town leaders like Gunderson do their damnedest to pull the wool over the voters eyes, misconstrue truths and even overtake an election by shear force, almost taking Troy’s life. As disgusting as that was to watch, one man has held true to his belief of finding a silver lining everywhere, even if you have to look hard for it. That man is, you guessed it, Troy Kreighauser. He fought to be a beacon of hope that this town deserved even when the odds were stacked against him. Troy Kreighauser stayed true to his principles even though evil and temptation were all around him. Troy Kreighauser is the good we all aspire to be, and he deserves your vote this November. Vote Troy Kreighauser for sheriff 2018, and a brighter tomorrow starts today. Take care, King Falls.”
## Esther Rollens

Esther Rollens’ Sewing Corner was an evening timeslot show on King Falls AM from 1991 until June 2015 when the host passed away. Ad featured in episode 4.
“This Sunday evening, at seven PM, we say goodbye to long time host of King Falls Sewing Corner, Esther Rollens, the way she would’ve wanted us to. (Talking about life, talking about love, and crocheting a mean doily while we’re at it.) While we will all miss Esther’s sweet stitchery tips and needlepoint mastery, we’ll miss Esther even more. (Oh, darn your socks, and maybe even darn your men to heck while we’re at it.) We’ll reminisce and play clips from Sewing Corner’s illustrious twenty-four-year run. As well as a live music tribute from Esther’s favourite band. [singing] Wake up. you’ll see. (Oh, I just love these boys. All Possible States. Always remember: bad times never last, but badasses certainly do. Well, see you soon, King Falls.) Hopefully not too soon, Esther. Seven pm, this Sunday. Help us say goodbye to King Falls’ most bitchin’ granny.”
## Chet Sebastian

Chet is a King Falls AM employee who hosts Chet’s Jazz Corner will occasionally advertise his own merchandise on the station. This merchandise includes vinyl albums and homemade jams. He has also recorded ads for others in King Falls, such as Sassy’s House of Ass. Ads featured in episode 15, 61.
“Ah, yeah. You’ve got the one and only Chet Sebastian here wishing all y’all out there the happiest of holiday seasons. This time of year, you’re always on the lookout for a gift that’s gonna get’cha a little something extra, (laughs) and old Chet is here to deliver Chet Sebastian’s Honey Pot of Horns. A classy lady can’t so no to a man that knows his smooth jazz. With my newest album, Chest Sebastian’s Honey Pot of Horns, you’ll look like the damn Albert Einstein of the brass section. Whether you’re a-giving or receiving, Honey Pot of Horns is a sure-fire way for a happier Hanukkah, a crazier Kwanza, or a kinkier Christmas. No downloads here, because a real man only spins vinyl for his lucky lady. Be merry, you sexy thangs.”

“Hi there, lovely ladies and cool cats of King Falls. This is your friend and jazz-spinning soulful stud Chet Sebastian, and I’d like to take a minute and spit some game about my latest venture, Chet Sebastian’s Slow Jams. Chet Sebastian’s Slow Jams are jellies, jams and preserves made from only the most erotic, juicy, and ethically-sourced fruits, canned in the love parlour of my very own house. We’ve got my famous Sexy Strawberry Surprise preserves, the scrumptious Honey, Don’t You Leave and Give Me a Case of the Blueberries jelly, and everybody’s favourite, Once You Go Blackberry, You Never Go Backberry jam. My mama and grandmama passed down their culinary craft and talents to old Chet, and now I’m ready to serve up the tastiest canned fruit goodies in the tri-state to all y’all sexy, biscuit-eating babies. Chet Sebastian’s Slow Jams. Found online and down at the Bent and Dent.”
# Businesses

Many local businesses and organisations in King Falls and the surrounding area sponsor the station and shows.

## Archie’s Pomchi Palace

Archie’s Pomchi Palace, owned by dog breeder Archie Simmons, is a recurring sponsor and outspoken supporter of the Sammy and Ben Show and King Falls AM. He regularly tries to get ads for free during listener calls, but also frequently pays for his ad slots to talk about sales and support the show. Archie’s Pomchi Palace is the only sponsor to have the same ad play more than once. Ads featured in episode 32, 51, 62, 71, 81, 85.
“[singing] Archie’s Pomchi Palace, Archie’s Pomchi Palace, Archie’s Pomchi Palace! Yeah! Oh, they love you too, Rufus. Ladies and gentlemen, here at Archie’s Pomchi Palace we are just overflowing with little bundles of joy. That means puppies, not babies, I should probably be completely clear on that. So, since we’re over-encumbered with these little damn… puppies, Archie’s Pomchi Palace is running a two-for-one special! Come on down of Route 72 and pick you out a new furry best friend and take his best friend too! Don’t get stuck with the runt of the litter, come quickly! You’ll be picking out the best damn days of your life here. Well, and one of the saddest, but try not to think about that. And don’t let the name fool you, we do have a variety of doggies here, if you aren’t looking for a pomchi. [mumbles] I don’t know why you wouldn’t want one of these beautiful, heaven-sent, little angels, maybe you’re some kind of monster or something. [normal] But yes, should you want something else, we can probably help you with that too. Creep. Archie’s Pomchi Palace, best bitches in the tri-state! [singing] Archie’s Pomchi Palace, Archie’s Pomchi Palace, Archie’s Pomchi Palace! Jazz hands! Yeah!”

“[singing] Archie’s Pomchi Palace, Archie’s Pomchi Palace, Archie’s Pomchi Palace, yeah! Well, if it isn’t just the smartest little radio-listening babies! This is your pal Archie Simmons of Archie’s Pomchi Palace, and ain’t I just a heifer in heat to be back on the airwaves at King Falls AM! Welcome back, boys! You know I got your backs. F--- a bunch of “be well” bitches. Be well, me and Rufus’s asses. Now down to the satin brass tacks. Are you or someone you know in the market for just the cutest little bundles of joy you could ever imagine? Well, if so, come on down to Archie’s Pomchi Palace. Well, if you’re not one of those unhinged crazies with the godforsaken Institute. Eugh. Hm. For the next three weeks, we are running our back by popular demand and hell of a goddamn deal if you ask me- that’s right folks! Buy a bitch, feed a bitch is here! And for those of you who’ve been living in a gosh darn hole, this means if you buy one of my pedigree pups, you get a month supply of kibble for free! That’s per puppy, so come and grab a bunch of bitches and get their grub for free! Oh, I’ve said what I need to say, and I know y’all want it. Hit it, Rufus. [singing] Archie’s Pomchi Palace, Archie’s Pomchi Palace, Archie’s Pomchi Palace, jazz hands! Yeah!”

“[singing] Archie’s Pomchi Palace! Archie’s Pomchi Palace! Archie’s Pomchi Palace! Yeah! Well, lookie here, another bought and paid for ad, Benny. Can you believe it? My Italian leather pocketbook sure don’t, but I just had to say what was on my mind, fellas, and I’ll keep it short and sweet so you don’t make my piggybank piggy-broke as hell. [voice breaking] I really just wanted to tell y’all [sniffles] I hope you have the best damn Sammiversary in the history of Sammiversaries tonight! [quietly] Which in honesty, shouldn’t be too hard since they all go to hell in a handbasket right quickly… anyway. [normal, crying] You two boys have been friends to me, Rufus, and all my bitches. You’ve let me come on and peddle my pups when times were tough. You boys have just been put through the ringer this year. So, again, tell y’all, ya mean something to me, this town, and everybody with enough gasoline to run a pissant scooter. Don’t give up the good fight is what I’m saying. Also, since I have y’all here, be sure to drop in during the month of May at Archie’s Pomchi Palace, because we’re running specials just about every damn week! Come and take some of these oodles of cuddles off my hands! They are just too damn precious to be hanging out with me and grumpy old Rufus. Act now and I’ll even help ya make your bundle of joy’s own Instagram page! All my pups are canine influencer certified. No basic bitches here, they practically pay for themselves. So, number one, love ya, boys! Number two, buy some bitches! Only at- Hit it! [singing] Archie’s Pomchi Palace! Archie’s Pomchi Palace! Archie’s Pomchi Palace! Jazz hands! Yeah!”
## Channel 13

Channel 13 is a syndicated TV channel that manages both news and reality television. As of 2019, Sammy and Ben do their best to avoid playing ads from them. Linked to and also sees ads through the King Falls Branch of Himinism Now. Ads featured in episode 10, 34, 78.
“On the season premier of the nation’s number one paranormal investigation show: Mission Apparition. Dan and the team find themselves in a sticky situation. (They had to shut this place down after all the accidents. This is Tanner’s Taffy factory and it’s been abandoned since 1991.) Or has it? (There’s uh… God, there’s a lot of evp activity around. Larry. Larry, I’d think you better go. Larry? Larry! Larry go!)
(I see the lights, Dan, I see them!) (Larry, move your ass!) It’s another can’t miss episode from the show that doesn’t miss a thing when it comes to the extraordinary: Mission Apparition. (Season premier, tonight at nine pm on King Fall’s Channel 13.)”

“This season on Mission Apparition, Dan and Larry investigate the biggest mysteries, the scariest places, and confront the craziest beings known to man or ghost. It’s time for: (Mission Apparition!) From old, abandoned steel mills- (Larry? Did you just see that saw blade? [whispers] Is that dripping ghost blood?)
(I see it, Dan! It’s- it’s moving, but I didn’t touch it!) ([whispers] Back away… slowly, good buddy.) To the Dawsonville Hotel and Ballroom. (The evp readings are off the charts, man! Are- are you okay in there?) (I can see them, Lar. The orbs! (whispers) The ghosts… they’re dancing. Larry, dancing!) And even back to a certain library with a presidential presence. (Oh man, Mr. Lincoln’s awful mad, Dan!) (I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends or when I drop a five-dollar ass-whooping! Prepare to be emancipated, breather!) (Larry? Move your ass!) All that and more on the most popular paranormal show on this astral plane or the next. Be sure to watch Dan and Larry’s latest adventures on this season’s Mission Apparition. Season premiere tonight at nine pm on King Falls Channel 13.”

“Do you ever get tired of sensationalised news designed to scare you or to make you fall in line with a certain brand’s way of thinking? Do you ever think to yourself “Self, why is it always doom and gloom when I turn on my car’s AM radio but things are so perfect our beautiful mountain paradise?”? Well, to that I say why don’t you come on over to the wonderful, friendly faces at King Falls Channel 13, headed by myself, Burt Gladstone, and a group of talented, intellectual, and fact-oriented reporters that would never try to bend the truth around our opinions, but instead are always here with a warm smile and the ability to shoot you straight. So, again, a friendly reminder to tune into King Falls most popular news program by far, King Falls Tonight with Burt Gladstone every weeknight at six pm and eight pm on King Falls Channel 13. Be well, King Falls.”
### Channel 13 News Minutes

Channel 13 News Minutes are an ad segment started on the Sammy and Ben Show that Sammy and Ben try to avoid playing. They are done through Channel 13 but are also internally sponsored by other sources such as The Science Institute or Granny Frickard’s Froggery. Ads featured in episode 81, 82.
“Welcome to the Channel 13 News Minutes, sponsored by The Science Institute. I’m Burt Gladstone, and this week we’ll be focusing on-”

“Hi, I’m Burt Gladstone and this is a Channel 13 News Minute. Brought to you by the fine folks at Granny Frickard’s Froggery, reminding you to stop in and, starting on March first, for the Granny’s Favourite Feast where you can get not one, not two, but three of Granny Frickard’s favourite meats and treats. In other news, Mayor Grisham has addressed the resent string of Main Street Park fights and after-hour vandalism attempts by closing down our beloved park at dusk until further notice. Town entrepreneur Ernie Salcedo sat down to talk to us about how running both his muffler shop and his first edition leather-bound bookstore while being falsely accused of murder changed his outlook on life. (It was a trying time there, Burt. Just sitting in the cell all by my lonesome, doing the twiddle-dee with my thumbs and such, which is pretty aggravating while trying to juggle both the day-to-day operations and whatnot at the muffler store as well as the book shack. It made me realise that I could be doing more with my life or what have you if I ever got out of that jail.) And that you did. Do you feel that you have now realised your full potential since you’re a free man? (I don’t know, y’know? I certainly feel fulfilled giving back to my community through muffler-fixing and book-selling, but I’m really just so happy that the friendly folks at the Science Institute brought me on part-time to head up their human resources who’s-it whatsie department. Eh, but I do feel like something is… still missing. Piece of my heart. I love you, Reagan, baby.) More of that interview can be heard this week on Channel 13 Seven O’clock News. And lastly, Mr. Leland Hill has just put in a bid to purchase-”
## Corky Connors’ Collectables and Cards

Corky Connors’ Collectables and Cards is a game store in King Falls owned by Corky Connors. Ad featured in episode 79.
“Hello. My name is Corky of Corky Connors’ Collectables and Cards. As the name implies, I sell both cards and collectables. If you are in the market for a collectable, a card, and/or collectable card, then Corky Connors- that’s me- is your man. We have baseball cards, basketball cards, football cards, basketball cards, soccer cards, hockey cards, badminton cards, yellow cards, Pokémon cards, Yu-Gi-Oh cards, rare and illegal Pokémon-Yu-Gi-Oh hybrid cards. We also have collectables. Mention this advertisement and get a free high-five with purchase. Corky Connors’ Collectables and Cards!”
## Dale’s Dollar Tree

Dale’s Dollar Tree is a dollar store in King Falls and recurring sponsor of King Falls AM run by Dale. Ads featured in episode 12, 67.
“Dale’s Dollar Tree… At dirt cheap prices… It’s almost free. Hi, everybody. I’m super excited to tell you bout some unbelievable deals we have right now at Dale’s Dollar Tree. Let’s segue through the sands. Our low prices are guaranteed. Who’s guaranteeing it you ask? Me. How do you take advantage of these savings? One: walk into Dale’s Dollar Tree. Two: throw something in your cart. Three: Savings. Dale’s Dollar Tree.”

“Dale’s Dollar Tree… At dirt cheap prices… It’s almost free. Hi everybody, I’m super excited to tell you about some unbelievable deals we have right now at Dale’s Dollar Tree. A pallet of urinal cakes. A dollar. A pound of shish kabab sticks. A dollar. A three hundred-piece edible jigsaw puzzle. Not a dollar. Ninety-nine cents. How do you take advantage of these savings? One: walk into Dale’s Dollar Tree. Two: throw something in your cart. Three: Savings. Dale’s Dollar Tree.”
## Game of Loans

Game of Loans is a business owned by moneylender Amanda Networthington in King Falls that is themed after Game of Thrones. Ad featured in episode 87.
"Is your castle in danger of repossession? Does your dragon require an unexpected surgery? Did you lose a bet about who would sit on The Iron Throne and now it’s time to pay back the iron bank? Then Game of Loans can help. Hello, lords and ladies, this is Amanda Networthington welcoming you to a newly rebranded, most-popular payday loan palace in all the… seven kingdoms of King Falls? Game of Loans! The friendly men and woman, me, of our own, personal Night’s Watch are here to hold the door and help out monetarily to fix whatever may ail you. Except Greyscale, we’re completely bollocks when it comes to that. Don’t worry about getting sick and missing work Red Wedding your chances of paying your rent on time. Send us a raven, and let Game of Loans’ high interest, (mumbles) completely mental (normal) payday advances help. But remember, a Lannister always pays their debts, and so should you, or we’ll have to throw you through our payday Moon Door. Sorry! And don’t forget to tune into our favourite cable fantasy show next Sunday. (My Lady Networthington, Game of Thrones finished just last month!) Oh, you twat! We should’ve done this four years ago! I can’t replace these swords now!"
## Gentrified Chicken

Gentrified Chicken is a restaurant in King Falls that sells plain chicken. Ben has had nightmares about it. Ad featured in episode 35.
“Howdy, folks. It’s Rear Admiral Blanders from Gentrified Chicken here to welcome you to the grand opening of our newest whitewashed neighbourhood location. It’s King Falls, right on 8th Street and Mary-Lou Kilpatrick Boulevard. Come in and get the blandest, most easily detestable fried chicken in the tri-state, or, dare I say- dare I say America. While our competitors humble-brag about their eleven secret herbs and spices, which could be poison- I mean, am I right? We here at Gentrified Chicken only have three: chicken, quality, and you guessed it, the displacement of lower income families. Don’t let those exotic herbs and spices Brand X have pause you from coming to our new location. Hell, just mention this ad when you order our Neighbourhood Annihilator Basket and we’ll throw in a free cup of water. So, don’t delay! Shoot your caboose over to the right side of the track next week and get yourself some Gentrified Chicken! It’s gonna be… okay?”
## Granny Frickard’s Froggery

Granny Frickard’s Froggery is a restaurant based in King Falls run by Greg Frickard, inherited by his grandmother. As of late 2017, The Sammy and Ben Show refuses to run ads for the company. Linked to and also sees ads through Channel 13 and the King Falls Branch of Himinism Now. Ads featured in episode 5, 45.
“After a long day’s work or a tough day’s play you probably just wanna come home and relax. No need to slave over a hot stove for hours on end. Well, that’s where we come in. Here at Granny Frickard’s we know that the less time you spend doing the things you don’t like is the more time you spend with the ones you love. So, come get some of the best frog legs that money can buy. Granny Frickard’s French fried, farm fresh, never frozen, filleted and fricasseed, fried and flambeed frog legs. Mm! Mm-mm. So, get on down to Granny Frickard’s Froggery at the corner of Main Street and Seventh Avenue. We’ll put some pep in your step and some hop in your heart.”

“[singing] Hoppity hop hop! Hoppity hop hop! Look at those frog legs go! [normal] Yes sir, Hoppy Days are here again, King Falls, and let me tell you we are all going to benefit from it. Granny Frickard has allowed me- no, no, blessed me with the chance to bestow the most fantastically fresh frog legs in the tri-state at the lowest possible prices to you, my friends, in King Falls. Maybe you’re asking yourself “Self, why would Greg and Granny Frickard practically give away the tastiest amphibious feast known to man when they could at least charge 7.99 and up?” Well, I’m glad you asked, it’s simple! Love. It’s in the air, it’s in the frogs, and it’s in my hoppy little heart. It’s not every day the love of one’s life falls out of the sky and, nearly, [laughs] back into one’s arms. So, come on down to Granny Frickard’s Froggery. It’ll put some pep in your step- and- [crying] and some hop in your heart. [coughs] Gee wiz, I’m just… I’m so friggin’ happy!”
## Get Right with God Productions

Get Right with God Productions, run by Reverend Xavier “Get Right with God” Hawthorne is a recurring sponsor of King Falls AM. The company runs Christian-themed tours, own churches across the United States, and at least two mini golf courses. Ads are featured in episode 6, 54, 74, 86.
“Back by popular demand and the lord on high, the King Falls Stomping Out the Devil Revival will be extended two extra Sundays. Join us for a fifth consecutive week as Reverend Xavier “Get Right with God” Hawthorne leads the King Falls faith for the most turnt up celebration of the year! Come raise your hands to the sky, north to the son of God! The holy spirit will be so strong, deeyou’ll granny bound to get ratchet. (God is good. God is great. Satan is on your back because he likes to hate. Shake him off for Jesus! Just shake him off! Before it is too late! Glory, glory, hallelujah!) Come celebrate with the most highly favoured congregation in town! Just outside the city limits off of Route 72 and mlk. That’s Mary-Lou Kilpatrick Drive for those coming from out of town. King Falls Stomping Out the Devil Revival is a trademark of Right with God Productions, all use and reproductions must have written consent from Reverend Hawthorne, or the Lord above. To God with Glory.”

“(Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together and make them pop like a big, juicy booty on a two-for-one Tuesday for the one, the only Reverend Xavier “Get Right with God” Hawthorne.) Brothers and sisters, how are you doing tonight? I said, how are you doing? If it’s anything like me, Deacon Reggie and the fine folks that make the Get Right with God tour possible, it ain’t the best. (Amen.) We are living in uncertain times. The almighty dollar seems to be a-falling a little flat these days. A dime don’t get’cha what it used to, got to pile in your buddy’s trunk at the drive-in just to see some Spider-boy slinging more white stuff than a teenage sleepover. (Praised be.) But boys and girls, we here at Get Right with God Productions want to help you get the most out of your hard-earned cash. [singing] Come on down to Glory Holes, putt some balls and save your soul! Family night specials and lots of kids’ stuff! Glory Holes lets you putt from the rough! (Hey now.) Mini Golf for a Mighty God! (Oh, that don’t mean what you think it means, Rev.) So, come on down to Glory Holes. Mention this ad and your first two balls are on us.”

“(Ladies and gentlemen, old Deacon Reggie’s gonna ask ya to put your Jesus satellites in the sky and wave ’em from side to side for the one, the only Reverend Xavier “Get Right with God” Hawthorne!) [singing] Come on down to Glory Holes, put some balls and save your soul! Family night specials and lots of kids’ stuff! Glory Holes let’s you putt from the rough! Brothers and sisters, how are you doing tonight? I said how are you doing? We here at Get Right with God Productions are doing mighty fine, mighty fine and we want to extend that grace from God on down to you. (Amen.) You see, we have been to the highest of the mountaintops, and we have seen the lowest of the valleys. Our financial situation was in dire straits and you know I don’t have to tell you twice. (Real bad noise.) But things have a-turned around for us, ladies and gentlemen, we have done an about face from the seedy devil’s grasp and are a-high stepping past Go, collecting our two hundred dollars and heading straight to the Promised Land. Not only is business a-booming in the mini golf world again, thanks to an influx of visitors appreciating all our beautiful mountain town has to offer, (quietly) and a very generous donation from some private investors. (normal) But Get Right with God Productions is about to take our show back on the road this summer! (Praised be.) So, for our last few weeks in town we’re inviting you, your husbands, your wives, your beautiful babies ages six and up to come have the best Glory Holes experience you’ve ever had. Now until May first, enjoy a free game of mini golf for a mighty God on us. Tithes and offerings still welcome. Be well, King Falls. (Be well, King Falls.)”

“(Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together and make ’em clap, clap, clap like your other hand stole your money for the one, the only Reverend Xavier “Get Right with God” Hawthorne! Go get ’em, brother.) Brothers and sisters, thank you so much for welcoming me into your homes this evening. We are in trying times and you’d better believe I appreciate the good folks over at the King Falls AM for letting us get this ad time at half off. Praise the good Lord up on high. (Amen, brother.) But time is of the essence, so I’m gonna use ours wisely. It’s plain to see that evil is among us in our beautiful little town. Yes, indeed, the dirty, outstretched hand of Satan himself is trying to get a grip on our beloved town. (Slap it away now.) It seems as if those heretics, those heathens, the science-y of the scientists at the Science Institute! (F--- a bunch of science!) Your love is appreciated, Deacon Reggie, but your language leaves a bit to be desired, brother. (Oh, my bad, sorry, Rev.) The men and women playing peek-a-boo behind the Science Institute are buying up land surrounding our precious little mountain town. They’re a-spending their devilish money on rentin’, leasin’, and buyin’ closed-down shops and property in town. (Man, you got to curb stomp that devil out.) Brothers and sisters, just like what our good deacon just eluded to, we got to stop ’em. We can’t trust ’em. We know not what they want with King Falls but we know it ain’t no good! (Major key, praised be, and say it again, Rev.) We know it ain’t good, and we’ve got to keep a watchful eye on them, and we’ve got to block their plans, whatever they may be. So, I’m askin’ you… ([singing] This little light of mine… I’m gonna let it shine… Oh, this little light of mine… This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. This little light of mine…) Nay, I am praying that if you just put a little more back in that collection plate when it comes around to you, folks. Just a few dollars more might be what we need to lease that store! Or rent that home or even buy that land that the Dark Lord and the Science Institute have their dastardly hearts set on. (Let it shine, let it shine, let that mother---er shine…) Reggie! (My bad. Sorry, Rev.) So, when you go to make your offering this Sunday or the next Sunday, don’t you just stop at ten percent. (Don’t stop there.) Give us that fifteen percent. (Make it twenty!) That twenty percent. (Make it a dirty thirty.) Just do what you can, brothers and sisters and the whole King Falls flock. We’re all in this together, and together we’ve got to stand strong, stand proud, praise Jesus, and stop science from infiltrating our hearts, minds, and souls. (Evolution my ass.) Reggie! Take us home!”
## Java Nagila

Java Nagila is a kosher coffee shop in King Falls run by Harry Goldstein. Ad featured in episode 63.
“Hello and shalom, all my goyish guys and gals! It’s that time of year again, and no, I’m not talking about pumpkin spice lattes. This is Harry Goldstein, owner/operator of your favourite small-town kosher coffee shop, Java Nagila, and to the members of the Sinai temple on Main Street, it’s your Festival of Lights hero, Hanukkah Harry! You know, the holiday hero working eight days and nights instead of just one? Oy vey, but I digress. No matter how you know me, I’d like to give a warm welcome back to our favourite time of year here at Java Nagila, y’know, Blintz and Brew! You’ll receive one of our award-winning blintzes half-off with the purchase of every cup of joe. Made fresh daily using my baba’s recipe, our blintzes will be sure to knock the mazel off your tov! But, to all the corporate coffee chains, I say this: may you shmendriks turn into centipedes with ingrown toenails, may onions grow in your navels, and may you lie in the earth and bake bagels. So, come on down to Java Nagila, and during these eight special days, come say hi to me, Hanukkah Harry, and my partner, Dr. Dreidel! Guys and gals, happy holidays.”
## King Falls Deportes AM

King Falls Deportes AM is a King Falls based sports radio station featuring shows such as the Hector el Chavo Show. Ads featured in episode 11.
“Weekday, six to nine AM listen to the Hector el Chavo Show! The fastest growing show in the fastest growing demographic in the tri-state area! On King Falls Deportes AM. Every week, Hector el Chavo discusses your favourite sports with your favourite players! Don’t miss out this week, Monday we talk about Big Pine striker, Javier Rincon. Tuesday, we talk to Saddle Creek midfielder to Jorge Papi-Gutiérrez. And Friday we talk to King Falls goalie, Baba Super Gringo Wallace. Tune into Hector el Chavo show on King Falls Deportes on 730 AM, your sports capital for goal!”
## King Falls Branch of Himinism Now

The King Falls Branch of Himinism is the local subsect of a cult of woman-hating powerful men. Although they have only openly sponsored one ad, it is likely that they are a sub-sponsor of ads for Channel 13, The Science Institute, the King Falls Municipality, as well as local businesses in support of them like Granny Frickard’s Froggery, and vice versa. Ad featured in episode 58.
“Hello, my pretty little King Falls AM listeners! And yes, I have cast a spell so that only the worthwhile listeners can hear this advertisement! In case you’re wondering, I’m here to offer my outstanding services. As you all know, witching ain’t easy, and this one in particular needs to supplement some income. So, I am proud to introduce to you Gwendolyn the Hateful’s Fantastic Female Finishing School! Do you know or are you a young uggo who is sweatily awaiting a future with only houseplants and cats? Well, good! (laughs) This is where little Gwendy can really shine! I’m happy to help you hide that pesky intellect to not scare away potential princes! Nobody wants to settle down with a Know-it-All Nancy. And, with my easy lessons, speechless enchantments, and moderate prices, I can show you how to use your feminine wiles to lock down the man of your dreams! Or woman, I guess, pricing varies! So, come hither to Gwendolyn the Hateful’s Fantastic Female Finishing School where I’ll help put the whoa in “Woman, get back in the kitchen.” (Paid for by the King Falls Chapter of Himinism Now.)”
## King Falls Kitty Daycare

The King Falls Kitty Daycare, run by employees Mickey and Steph, is a King Falls based cat kennel. They have an ad featured in episode 24.
“When you get home from a long day at the office are your feline friends just not as welcoming as you’d like ’em to be? If so, then let the King Falls Kitty Daycare come to the rescue! Here at the King Falls Kitty Daycare we know that your furry cat pals can sometimes be distant, even giving off the impression that they could care less about your health, happiness, and wellbeing. We’ve got the purr-fect response to their indifference! Just drop your callous cat off with Mickey or Steph at the King Falls Kitty Daycare and you’ll see results quicker than catnip. These blasé beasts will be put through the ringer day in and day out with our fantastic YouTube keyboard classes or chasing laser lessons or our world-famous cat dancing drills. Just mention this add when signing up for the first week of kitty daycare and get a free mp3 of Mickey and Steph’s latest duet Cat Scratch Fever, now with one hundred percent less sexual innuendo. King Falls Kitty Daycare, we’re the cat’s meow!”
## McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots

McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots is a recurring sponsor of King Falls AM, run by Randy McMullet. As of episode 66, his business has closed in King Falls due to a snake shortage. Ads are featured in episode 3, 16, 66.
“Howdy y’all! It’s Randy McMullet from McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots and I’m here to tell you we got some slithery savings this weekend! So much savings you’ll have a hissy fit! We’re not holding anything back ’cause its that time of year again. It’s our annual snake skin blow out. I’m talking about rattlesnake, copperhead, viper, black mamba, and boa constrictor. We got big snake boots at baby snake prices! You better hurry though before our inventory is extinct! So, come on down to McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots. We’ll be there from sun up to sun down this Saturday and Sunday at the corner of Route 72 and Ol’ Bombing Range Road! McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots, where we fill your boots with savings.”

“Howdy y’all! It’s Randy McMullet from McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots, and I’m here to let you know we got some rattlin’ new for you. After the sensational success of Black Mamba Friday, it’s time to roll out our next deal of the year. This weekend it’s our annual Secret Santa Albino Snakeskin Special. We’ll have all our white snake choices at our unbeatable dark snake prices. So, slither on down just outside of town at the corner of Route 72 and Ol’ Bombing Range Road. McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots, where we fill your boots with savings!”

“Howdy, y’all, it’s Randy McMullet of Randy McMullet’s International Palace of Snakeskin Boots and I’m here to tell you that… Unfortunately, after years of selling my high-quality snakeskin boots at baby snake prices, that I’m gonna be shutting down shop for a little while. It seems that the supply for our little slithery friends has dried up in these parts, and I might need to take the show on the road indefinitely. But that also means we’re having a super sale on all of your favourite boots to blow this inventory out of the water. We’ve got your classic cobra, prissy python, and dazzling diamondback boots. And for all the ladies, if the boots ain’t your thing, we got the always popular garter snake garter belts. So, come on down to Route 72 and Old Bombing Range Road, we’ve got the boots you’ve come to know and love at the non-constrictive prices that don’t put a venomous bite on your back pocket. Randy McMullet’s International Palace of Snakeskin Boots will return… I hope.”
## Paul Pautucket’s Stuffing Hut

Paul Pautucket’s Stuffing Hut is a taxidermy shop in King Falls which offers rewards for information on Big John, the local sasquatch. Ad featured in episode 28.
“I don’t want to cause a kerfuffle, but it’s that time again, friends! Here at Paul Pautucket’s Stuffing Hut, we’re doing my tri-state famous three-for-two Taxidermy Summer Special! So, if your furry family members have finally bit the dust or are on their way out, now’s the time to pull ’em out of the freezer and finish ’em off and bring ’em on into Paul Pautucket’s Stuffing Hut! It doesn’t matter if it’s roadkill or rigor mortis, we’ll make their lifeless carcasses look so good you’ll think they’re ready to jump up and star in a friggin’ animated movie! And don’t worry, if it’s just a little-un, Paul Pautucket only makes you pay by the pound. And as always, for the twentieth straight year, if you should happen to bring in Big John, dead or alive, then ladies and fellas, you’ll get more than just a debt of gratitude and I’ll start with my unlimited lifetime stuffing voucher. Must have photographic and physical proof to be considered. So, bring in your frozen felines and popsicle pups down to Paul Pautucket’s Stuffing Hut! Kill it. Stuff it. Love it!”
## Pete Myers’ Lawn and Landscaping

Pete Myers, a landscaper and decorator, is a frienemy of the Sammy and Ben Show and tries to trade advertisements for favours. Ads featured in episode 30, 64.
“Oh, hey, King Falls. I didn’t see you listening in on me while I was out here whacking away on the mower. You all know me, I’m Pete Myers of Pete Myers’ Lawn and Landscaping, and I’m here offering my services to you. What services, you ask? The best lawn man, gardener, and landscaping services in all of King Falls, of course. Don’t believe me? Well, maybe you can ask my personal friend and boss, Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard the third. (I will say nothing of the sort, you ninny! Get that microphone out of my face at once, yard boy. How dare you?) And if that’s not enough to sell you, listen to some of my other super satisfied customers have to say. [high pitched voice] That Pete Myers really knows his way around a weed whacker! He just makes my yard pop with his amazing landscaping skills. Plus, when it’s hot, I love to watch him with his shirt off. Mm, those abs. [laughs] Thanks, Mrs. Dinglehopper… ma’am. [low pitched voice] I use Pete Myers’ Lawn and Landscaping every two weeks. He mows the lawn, trims the hedges, and have you seen how handsome he is? It’s like a chiselled Adonis is sweating it up for me in my yard just for me. Thanks, Mr. Downey Jr. So, hit me up on my beeper, girl, and I’ll call you back from a payphone faster than green grass through a goose. Mention this ad, and I’ll give you fifteen… five. Five. And I’ll give you a five percent discount. Pete Myers’ Lawn and Landscaping, because your yard looks like sh--.”

“Hey, King Falls, it’s your favourite lawn and landscaping man, Pete Myers. Whoopsie. Don’t worry, old Miss Strathmore won’t miss that gnome. She’s got forty others anyways. As I was saying, it’s that time of year again where the twinkle lights hang from the houses and inspire smiles from all the passers by. And y’know, I’m not just an extraordinary and sexy lawn man, I’m a licensed Christmas light decorating professional too. A cldp, local 69, b----es. That’s right, if you’re too rich or too lazy to hang your own decorations with your family, then I’m your man. I’ve been doing it for my personal friend and boss, Howard Ford Beauregard the third for years now. Right, Mr. B.? (Dammit, you buffoon! That was a 1940s Château Cheval Blanc! It’s worth more than your life. And get that recorder out of my face immediately.) Thanks, buddy. So, yeah, hit me up on my beeper if you need a little holiday help. Oh, and for my non-Jesus-fearing friends, I also specialise in Chanukah home beautification, as well as atheist aesthetics and satanic scintillations. But sorry, Science Institute, you’re a little too crazy for even me. sp represent, suppressive as f---. (Pete! My god, you ran over Pippold!) Got to go! Give me a call, and I’ll make sure your holiday decorations don’t look like sh--.”
## Rich McGuff’s Leather Bound Books

Rich McGuff of Rich McGuff’s Leather Bound Books, a bookstore on Main Street, was a sponsor of King Falls AM before being murdered. Ads featured in episode 14.
“Rich McGuff’s Leather Bound Books isn’t your normal neighborhood book store. Figure it more as a rustic but magical menagerie of information. Sweet, succulent knowledge. Knowledge that can only be found in a first edition leather bound book. I know what you’re thinking: there’s second edition books, third edition books, hell, there’s even fourth edition books. But come on, at that point you’re basically reading hieroglyphics etched into petrified road apples. First edition leather bound books are where it’s at. There’s nothing better in the world than feeling the leather luxury that the spine of a first edition book can provide in your silky soft hands. And there’s no better place to find the book you need, dare I say, desire, than Rich McGuff’s Leather Bound Books. From Dr. Suess to Dr. Love, we’ve got you covered. Pun intended. Rich McGuff’s Leather Bound Books, because you f---ing deserve it.”
## Rosenburg, Rothchild, & Dirk

Rosenburg, Rothchild, & Dirk are an insurance and law company based in King Falls. They have an ad featured in episode 1.
“Uh, oh. Have you recently been in an automobile accident? Are you tender over a fender bender? (Owie!) Don’t let the insurance company fool you into just un-scuffing and buffing. Let Rosenburg, Rothchild, and Dirk get you the settlement that you deserve. (Dirk get you money.) [singing] If you got your car smashed by some jerk, call Rosenburg, Rothchild, and Dirk!”
## Rose’s Diner

Rose’s Diner is a King Falls based restaurant in King Falls, owned and operated by Rose. It is regularly vouched for by Ben and Sammy, as well as other friends of the show. Ads featured in episode 8.
“[singing] When you’re hungry and you know it come to Rose’s! If you’re starving and it’s showing come to Rose’s! We’ve got waffles and cranapples-”

“There’s no better way to do that than talking about just how delicious Rose’s Diner can be. Personally, I’m one for the country breakfast. What do you get down there at Rose’s? (Um, well, it’s a fact you just can’t beat Rose’s fresh doughnuts.) And from what Troy has told us, they make a mean bagel as well! (I’ve been going to Rose’s all my life, never had a bad meal there, not one.) You know, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped by for a great meal and good conversation, so, if you’re in the neighborhood, just passing through, or want to feel at home away from home, stop by Rose’s Diner, right off the interstate. (Exit 44.)”
## Sassy’s House of Ass

Sassy’s House of Ass is a club in King Falls owned by Sassy known for being skeezy. Ads featured in episode 47, 56.
“(My, oh, my, guys and dolls. It’s that time of year again. That’s right, it’s three-for-one dances at Sassy’s House of Ass.) Hiya, King Falls. Our favourite jazz cat and all-around best customer, Chet “Cold Hands” Sebastian is right. It’s our lucky thirteenth anniversary, which means this year’s Ass-travaganza at Sassy’s House of Ass is going to be extra lit. (coughs) Ah. This year we’re partnering with the Tarantino-themed joint in Big Pine, Pulp Friction. Three-for-one dances with some of the classiest ladies in the tri-state. (Classy and assy, my kind of gals.) Now, I know what you’re thinking. Sassy’s House of Ass ain’t in the best part of town. (Far from it.) And yeah, we been shut down for Lyme disease outbreaks in the past. (Hold on, now.) But that was all linked back to Tammy and she’s been gone for months now. (Tammy Two-Tone? Why am I just hearing about this?) The fact of the matters is, King Falls, you ain’t going to find a better brand of broads for these dirt-cheap dance prices anywhere, at least not in walking distance of the twenty-four-hour Urgent Care Centre. Nobody treats stab wounds better. Mention Sassy’s for a discount. (Doesn’t Lyme disease come from tics?) We put out traps, it’s fine, Chet. Have another drink. (Now you’re speaking my language.) So, come on down to Sassy’s House of Ass this month and celebrate the big one-three with us, guys, and don’t forget: daytime strippers are always half off. (Six-for-one?) Heh. Don’t push it, Chet. Sassy’s House of Ass, you’re one-stop smut shop. Now tic and Tammy free.”

“(Hello friends and customers, it’s Sassy of (coughs) Sassy’s House of Ass and I’m here to talk about the best thing to hit our main room since the advent of disinfectant wipes. Our very own new dj, the illustrious DJ Chassy-Chas.) Don’t’cha know it, but Chassy-Chas is just my disc jockey name. My down to Earth friends call me Chasity, and you can find me and all my friends right here at Sassy’s House of Ass. Catch me on the day shift Monday through Friday spinning all the greatest stripping hits to put these upstanding ladies through higher education. And I know what you’re thinking, and the answer’s no. We aren’t putting these ladies through college. That would be such a cliché, don’cha know? No, our sexy ladies are the hands-on type, so they’re in vocational school. Every time you make it rain, it helps them in learning a good trade, don’t’cha know? (Thanks, Chas. That’s right, we got Penny the Plumber, Harriet the Heavy Equipment Operator, and Deidre the Diesel Mechanic, and if that isn’t enough to entice ya, we’re bringing back C-section Sundays here at Sassy’s House of Ass, where if you spot a post-partum scar in the dark room, your lap dance is free. Sassy’s House of Ass, your one stop smut shop, still tick and Tammy free.) Chassy-Chas- [airhorn] Goodness, that’s loud. Chassy-Chas out.”

"Hello friends and customers, it’s Sassy of Sassy’s House of Ass and I’m here to talk about the hottest thing this summer. No, I ain’t talking about our newly added sweatpants lap dance, I’m talking about what happens every July at Sassy’s House of Ass. That’s right, folks, Ass Days are back! (Don’t’cha know it! And like my good old doctor says, an ass a day keeps the creeps away. Just kiddin’.) Thanks, Chas. As all you pervy people know, Ass-y’s is clapping with an all-out Ass-travaganza with derrières, butts, humps, bums, and rumps of all sizes! Big butts, small butts, flat butts, saggy butts, round butts, square butts, soft butts, hard butts, plumpy butts-! (And don’t’cha go forgetting our world-famous bubble butts!) That’s right, Chas! In July, if you like it ass-y, come on down to Sassy’s! Sassy’s House of Ass, your one-stop smut shop, still tick and Tammy free. (Ch-ch-ch-ch-chas hands!)"
## Sofa King Beer

Sofa King Beer is a sports-sponsoring beer company known for their high alcohol content. An ad on King Falls AM can be heard by town sportsman Cecil Sheffield, causing conflict between Herschel and Cecil. Ad featured in 44.
“Howdy King Falls, it’s three-time King Falls Bass Tournament champion Cecil Sheffield here. When I’m not on the lake sinking lures and hooking fishes, I like to kick back and pop a top on my favourite beer. With it’s savoury and complex taste, and ridiculously high alcohol content, there’s no better way to make a bad day better than with Sofa King. So, next time you’re on the lake or just sitting at home watching a livestream of an uno tournament, or lonely because your best buddy won’t talk to you, have a Sofa King beer! [singing] Sofa King beer will get you Sofa King drunk. I miss ya, Hersch.”
## Ted’s Nougats

Ted’s Nougats is a candy store in King Falls owned and operated by Ted Jr., a candy maker taught by his father. Ads featured in episode 43.
“King Falls! Hold on to your buns and guns, it’s the first ever Valentine’s Day sale at ’Merica’s favourite candy store, Ted’s Nougats! My papi started selling confections way back in ’68 up in Canada, like a lousy draft-dodging hippie, but luckily he taught me everything he knew before he took his last trip to the dark side of the moon and old Ted Jr. took over the family biz to make sweets great again! I’m building a wall! A wall of tasty goodness right here on isle three of Ted’s Nougats. We got a sale on all white chocolate, vanilla lollipops, and red, white, and blue jellybeans, just like Ronnie Reagan would’ve loved. God rest his commie-crushing soul. Come get your fix and grab ’em by the peppermints at Ted’s Nougats!”
## Trevor’s Cassette Tape and Laserdisc Emporium

Trevor’s Cassette Tape and Laserdisc Emporium, run by Trevor Disick, is a retro media store. An ad is featured in episode 26.
“Bros! Broettes! Trevor Disick here from Trevor’s Cassette Tape and Laserdisc Emporium. I know what you’re thinking. Tapes? Laserdiscs? Well, f--- yeah, duders. I’m not about to let those record store hipsters keep me from cashing in on my mom and dad’s old goodies. Let’s be even cooler than them and get it with some dope ass media, homie. To kick it off, we’re having a rad sale on everything in store, and if you mention this ad, homies, we’ll make everything a Bogo bonanza! For all you stuffy grans and gramps out there, that means b-b-buy one, g-g-get one! That’s right, bros, buy one slightly used tape and get a second gently listened to cassette almost, but not completely free! And while you’re maxing and relaxing at the Emporium, check out the deals on our boss selection of new to be released laserdiscs! (imitating guitar?) Doodly-doodly-doodly-wah! Doodly-wah! Yeah, duders! Whoa, killer breakthrough time. I just channeled the inner bargain gods and got an even better idea. Bopo, bros! Buy one, pay one! It’s basically an even trade! You give me cash, I give you the goods! But it’s got a wicked f---ing name, right? So wheel it on down to Trevor’s Cassette Tape and Laserdisc Emporium where you’ll go yolo for the Bogo and Bopos, bros! So catchy. Doodly-doodly-doodly-wah! Doodly-wah! Peace!”
## The Science Institute

The Science Institute is a megacorporation and semi-religious group that is based on the outskirts of King Falls. They advertise themselves and their new compound, as well as a competition to uncover the identity of The Dark. Ads featured in episode 13, 21, 59.
“What if what you thought wasn’t really what you thought you thought? Ever think of that? Here at The Institute of Science we can help you become what you’ve always wanted to become. A better you, for a better mankind. Call us today for a free brochure and a c-meter reading. That’s c as in “cat”. We’re coming King Falls. Be well. And be ready.”

“Sometimes in life it’s easy to get discouraged when plans change. Do you get discouraged when plans change? We don’t. I’m Leland Hill of the Science Institute. Perhaps you’ve heard of us because of the help we do for families and people in need locally, globally, intergalactically. Or maybe you’ve only heard of us because of the suppressive media attacking myself, Science Institute founder Rowland Northwoods, and other Science Institute alumni. Or maybe you’re just lost and looking for help in a dark and scary world, possibly your inner consciousness is reaching out into the unknown, looking for answers. Why are we here? What’s the meaning of life? Why is a medium drink the size of a small bucket at fast food restaurants? Whatever you seek, just know the Science Institute can help you. We want to help you. We will help you. We’re here, King Falls.”

“Friends. Citizens. Inhabitants of King Falls. We live in an age of technological wonder. Questions that have plagued mankind for millennia can be answered by the device in your pocket. What came first, the chicken or the egg? How easy is it to become president with no previous political skills, knowhow, or dignity that almost all human beings possess? Who is the masked man who invaded the Science Institute’s privacy last month? Some of those answers come easier than others. While myself, Leland Hill, and the Science Institute are working hand in hand with the King Falls Sheriff’s Department in bringing this criminal to justice, we would also like to offer a reward for anyone with the name, whereabouts, or useful information on the masked perpetrator who infiltrated our compound. The more than generous sum of ten million dollars usd will be wired into your bank account, tax free, like us. Times are tough. The economy is bound to burst when built upon another loan crisis bubble. Let us at the Science Institute help you and your family, monetarily, for generations to come, if you’re able to help our family find the cowled criminal who struck out against us. Be well, King Falls. We’re coming for you, The Dark.”
## Wright On

Wright On is a podcast produced by Lily Wright and team that sponsored King Falls before coming to town for an arc. The show is now on semi-permanent hiatus. Ad featured in episode 51.
“(America’s favourite investigative reporting radio show is now coming to your favourite podcast providers: Lily Wright’s Wright On.) Ladies and gentlemen, if you were a fan of our long-time, monthly radio programme on National Partisan Radio, then you will be thrilled with Wright On as a podcast. (From investigating the water crisis in Flint, Michigan to the underage opium cartels in Southeast Asia, there isn’t a topic too tough for Lily and team to handle.) We at Wright On pride ourselves in covering topics the mainstream media shies away from while never pulling any punches. So, if you’re tired of alternative facts, bought and paid for trending topics, and talking heads only giving you what they want you to hear, then give us a shot. We’re available monthly on iTunes and wherever your favourite podcasts are found.”
# People

Not every sponsor of the Sammy and Ben Show and King Falls AM is an organisation, there are several people in town who buy out ads to advertise themselves and their peers.

## Delilah Abilene

Delilah Abilene is the great-great-great-great-granddaughter of General Rufus T. Abilene. She sponsors the show to talk of a fundraiser to release the spirit of Abilene from Sweetser Forest. Ad featured in episode 60.
“How do, fine folks and residents of King Falls. My name is Delilah Abilene, and I’d like to talk to you about something near and dear to my family’s heart. Most y’all know my great-great-great-great-grandpappy, General Rufus T. Abilene, served for the North in the us civil wars. Even more so, y’all probably ran into the old ruffian up Sweetser Forest way with him putting the switch on road signs thinking he’s saving you or his troops. Thing is, after long discussions with paranormal folk such as the Mission Apparition boys, they think that quadruple-g-grandpa might just be looking for some peace. So, me and my kin are gonna be kickstarting a fund for a General Abilene Memorial up in Sweetser, and we thought a radio advertisement might be the best way to go about it, and we got a bomb-ass track record on the kickstarter. Y’all might remember the campaign we did for my cousin Jethro’s vasectomy, snip, snip, vas deferens. Please take a look at our campaign and see if there’s anything you can give so that we might put a little statue or plaque so our four-time great-grandpappy can finally get the rest he so deserves. Much obliged, y’all! But don’t let us catch y’all kneeling.”
## Howard Ford Beauregard III

Howard Ford Beauregard, a rich citizen of King Falls, frequently sponsors the station to peddle an anti-Sammy and Ben Show material and general propaganda to the town. Linked to and also sees ads through King Falls’ 2016 Election and the King Falls Municipality. Ads are featured in episode 7, 46, 76.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I am Howard Ford Beauregard the third, and I implore you, dare I say demand that you turn off this radio station post-haste. King Falls AM used to be a place that you could trust your ears to. Wholesome, family-oriented, fair, and balanced. Now it’s ran by dirty lying filth-mongers spreading rumours and dissent throughout our peaceful community. Samuel Stevens and Benjamin Arnold should be proclaimed Public Enemy Number One. In all my years, all my family’s years, in our idyllic town, I can’t recall anyone being allowed to disparage our good name so open and freely until the fertile lands of distrust. Friends, please heed my advice and turn off this impurity. Let me save you from the mire and muck King Falls AM fills you with. Do yourself a favour. Go outside, breathe the fresh mountain air, go read a book. Perhaps an eBook, more so, the eBook King of King Falls by yours truly. Be well, compatriots! End this transmission, Celestia!”

“Hello, ladies and gentlemen of King Falls. This is Ben Arnold, one of the hosts of King Falls AM’s very own Sammy and Ben Show, and I’m here to talk to you about… one of my absolute favourite eBooks of all time. King of King Falls, by Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard the third. (Why thank you Sammy’s man Benjamin. Your kind words are no doubt your own and not only because I loaned you my multi-million-dollar transmogrifier.) I have never been more entertained by an electronic memoir in all my years. For instance, take Chapter Two, Smokey and the Banshee, where hfb3 proclaims a ghostly trans-AM drives through town- what? Wait a sec… okay, scratch that. Let’s- let’s examine Chapter Nine, Beauregard’s Big Find, where Beauregard’s Great-Grandfather, Jefferson Beauregard, settled King Falls and invented fire. Same week. (snickering) Kid you not, folks. (clears throat) Look, there’s no shortages of books, articles, or fake news for you to feast your eyes upon, King Falls, but please. If you’d like a good laugh- uh, while learning about our town’s amazing history as told by Mr. Beauregard himself, then King of King Falls is can’t-miss reading material. King of King Falls, by Howard Ford Beauregard the third, found wherever your favourite eBooks… are… sold. [whines] Back to us? [clicks] Back to us.”

“Let me be the first to welcome you back to the airways, King Falls AM. I do hope you enjoy your time on the radio, because it will not last. I promise you this. For years I have tried to play nice with you simpletons, but now my patience runs ever so thin. You have chosen your side in this battle, the losing side, and you shall regret it. Celestia, end this transmission, please.”
## Ron Begley

Ron Begley is a recurring sponsor of the show and owner of Begley’s Bait and Tackle, but normally runs ads in support of the town, it’s citizens, or the Sammy and Ben Show itself. Linked to and also sees ads through King Falls’ 2016 Election. Ads featured in 42, 70.
“Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Ron Begley. I run Begley’s Bait and Tackle out on Lake Hatchenhaw, and you may have voted for me in the last mayoral election in King Falls. In fact, I’m pretty positive that you did, and it’s pretty obvious your voice got flushed down the drain with a big 10-200. Look, I ran for mayor of King Falls because I felt that there was a lot of things that could be done better for our fair town. (sighs) What I found out, other than how much I love this damn place, was that only could things be done better, but there’s an iniquity that runs deep in the veins of this town. So deep, in fact, that the powers that be couldn’t let the voice of the people be heard. Mayor Grisham, enjoy your little party this weekend. Sheriff Gunderson, I hope you have a hell of a good time too. And Beauregard, too bad it’s during the day, huh? You sons of bitches enjoy your little party because I can promise you one damn thing. King Falls ain’t going to make it to Best Small Town in America nine years running, bet on that.”

“Howdy, King Falls. This is your friend, your neighbour, and possibly your favourite man’s man’s man, Ron Begley of Begley’s Bait and Tackle. Chances are, if you’re listening to this very broadcast, you probably know me, and if you know me, you know there’s nothing that gets me riled up more than injustice in our beautiful little mountain town. It’s why I ran for mayor, it’s also why I lobbed a goddamn brick through Steven Grisham’s window, and to be completely honest, it’s why I just bought this airtime that I can’t really afford to speak to you person to person. About two weeks ago, here on this very station, a man- if you can even call him that- took out an advertisement to profess his love for a lady he likes that don’t really return that favour. He got shut down by the AM radio hosts, and in the process did about the lowest fucking thing another human can do to a human with just words, which is take away the right to be their own person and decide on how to publicly live their life. I could go on and on about wanting to stomp that little pissant into the ground, but I won’t do it. I don’t want to lower myself to his level, which is why I’m asking you, the listeners of King Falls AM, my friends, my neighbours, my people, to do what’s right, and that’s to boycott Granny Frickard’s Froggery. Let us speak, not just with our voices, but with our wallets and show Greg Frickard and that shitty people like him we don’t need their particular kind of hatred and bullshit in our fair town. Jalapeño hoppers? $6.99. Frickard’s Farm Fresh Family Feast? $34.99. Running a snivelling, woman-hating, gaslighting, whiny-ass, big-mouthed, trust-fund, basic bitch with a Kermit fetish out of business? Priceless. (He’s a man’s man’s man!) Fuck you, Frickard.”
## Creepy Carl

Creepy Carl is a recurring sponsor of the station who has a series of small businesses. Ads featured in episode 9, 40, 52.
“Do you know why they call it a blow pop? I sure do. And if you come on down to Creepy Carl’s Candy, I’ll fill you up! I mean in. (whispering) It’ll be our little secret. (normal) A sweet tooth is a terrible thing to waste, come find a new sugar daddy to butter your fingers at Creepy Carl’s! Come in and grab a sack of Carl’s Boston baked beans while you’re at it. Oops, one fell in my pocket. Free if you can find it! Every child’s welcome at Creepy Carl’s, big mouths, small mouths, white mouths and brown mouths. We’re equal opportunity! And just ’cause they shut down the old brick and mortar doesn’t mean you can’t buy it from my van. Be sure to ask your parent’s permission first, kids. Creepy Carl’s Candy, where the suckers don’t suck themselves.”

“Jingle bells, sleigh bells, silver bells, I just love things that make a ding-dong ring! Hi kids, it’s your favourite sugar daddy, Creepy Carl. Home for the holidays and operating right outside the city limits! Just come on down to my big red econoline van to visit a world of pure imagination at Creepy Carl’s Christmas Candy! It’s the one with Rudolph’s nose on the front, and the word candy spray-painted on the side! Where you never have to B-Y-O-M! Bring your own mistletoe. […] Creepy Carl’s Christmas Candy, where you better believe, I’m ready to stuff your stockings! [whispers] Catch you laters.”

“Hi there! It’s your favourite candy peddler and King Falls second worst babysitter four years running, Creepy Carl, and I’m here today to invite you to a brand-new business venture since the old Econoline van is now part of a (whispers) police investigation, (normal) how exciting! I’ve partnered up with Eli Williams down at Cumby Critters to bring to you Creepy Carl’s Heavy Petting Zoo. Come see the most exotic animals the Williams Boys could round up! Lay your hands on Bobby the Billy goat, be careful, he likes to ram ya. Or maybe come squeeze Casey the Cow’s udders. I’ll just sit back and watch you churn that butter. Or, if you’re the real adventurous type, you can even come manhandle Rear Admiral Blanders’ award-winning, big, juicy cocks! Two-for-one admission on Sundays, and the kids are always free! So, come on down to Creepy Carl’s Heavy Petting Zoo where sometimes it’s real good to be [bleats] bad.”
## Dangerous Dave

Dangerous Dave is the worst babysitter in King Falls and brother of Creepy Carl. Ad featured in episode 53.
“Howdy, King Falls, it’s y’all’s favourite pyrotechnic expert and the best- asterisk- part-time baby-watching extraordinaire, Dangerous Dave. Come away from that table saw, Mary-Mae. You don’t want none of that! I’ve heard a lot of static the past couple weeks about being voted King Falls favourite- asterisk- babysitter and I got to tell you, I’m real honoured to receive that title. I know you’d agree with the courthouse up in Big Pine when they said that kid’s arm was gonna have to come off regardless. Ry-Ry, Nivvy, I done told ya to back away from the explosives. Those are for the fourth of July party down at the Main Street Park. Goddamn, these kids run me up the walls. Any old how, don’t listen to the shade my brother Carl’s throwing my way, he’s just salty ’cause he’s number two. I’m good at what I do, and I think- Matt, Jordan, y’all can’t be up on top of the stack of tables. That Ikea Swedish wood ain’t good for climbing. Y’all head on back to the trash pile, Lord Almights. But yeah, my rates are reasonable, I got a big old backyard to play in, and I can make a tourniquet out of damn near any old thing. So, come on down to Dangerous Dave’s Daycare, voted number one- asterisk- babysitter in King Falls. Asterisk means worst. Shh. It’ll be our secret.”
## Olivia DuPont

Olivia DuPont is a pet medium local to Big Pine who offers her services to communicate with dead animals. Ad featured in episode 57.
“Hello, my name is Olivia DuPont and I’d like to talk to you about your pets. Not so much the ones on your lap or sleeping at the foot of your bed, but your long-gone pets. As the tri-state area’s only pet medium, your dead pets are keeping me up at night. Literally. Do you know how many of your deceased doggies or crypt-kept cats have not passed over to the other side? Lots. And I’m here to help. If you or someone you know has a pet that you suspect had unfinished work here in the land of the living, then we should talk. We’re open Monday through Friday nine AM to six pm and we’re located right above the Big Pine Veterinary and Animal Rehabilitation Centre. So, come on down and let Golden Owl help put your long-dead furry’s final wishes in order. They need the eternal rest, and I need the sleep. Please.”
## DJ E-Kid

DJ E-Kid runs a course on understanding slang used in rap music in the King Falls Mall. They have an ad featured in episode 23.
“Yo, yo, what’s good, cuh? I been waiting to get at’cha for a minute, dawg. Streets is talkin’ and they sayin’ you ain’t one hundred with the fam no more, player? What’s really good? (Did you know that eight out of ten adults over the age of forty-five have difficulty deciphering the language and music of the youth today? Yes, middle age Caucasian man, we’re talking to you. Here at the DJ E-Kid Rap Awareness Institute, we can help.) What up, bro? I’m dj E-Kid. Maybe you don’t like what the Top 40 stations play everyday, or maybe you don’t understand the way these kids are getting at’cha. I’m here to help you, player. Not only do I have a PhD in Thugonomics, I am board and state certified in Rappology. You’ll never worry again about not connecting with your nephew at the dinner table, or what the bad boy at Whole Foods is talking about. Hell, you’ll even know what Yeezy is talking about! And it’s as simple as our weekly lessons for that paper. We swingin’ knowledge, son! (Come join us every Friday evening at seven pm for the DJ E-Kid Rap Awareness Institute’s weekly lecture series, located conveniently in the King Falls Mall next to Preston’s Pretzels.) That’s real talk! We out here, ay! (Cash only. No cheques or money orders.) And we out!”
## Greg Frickard

Greg Frickard is an enemy of the show who frequently still tries to get airtime to talk to Emily Potter or hound the hosts. As of late 2017, he isn’t allowed on the Sammy and Ben Show. Linked to and also sees ads through Granny Frickard’s Froggery. Ad featured in episode 68.
“I don’t know if you’re listening, Emily. And, I don’t have much time before these… heathens pull the plug on me, so I’ve got to let my heart do all the talking for me. I know it’s come to your attention that there might be alternative facts about your return. Great men would call this Fake News. But, I’m willing to look past it. Look into your own heart and you’ll see I’ve only loved you and wanted the best for you! So… (sniffles) So with that said, my darling Emily Lauren Potter, the most gorgeous creature on God’s green Earth… Will you take my hand and let me lead us down whatever path life may take us down? As your husband, and you, as my wife. Will you marry me?”
## Steven Grisham

Steven Grisham is the mayor of King Falls and has sponsored the show in order to spread bad publicity toward the Sammy and Ben Show and more specifically Sammy Stevens. Linked to and also sees ads through the King Falls Municipality, the King Falls 2016 Election, and probably the King Falls Branch of Himinism Now. Ads featured in episode 49, 75.
“Good evening, listeners of my favourite AM talk radio station, King Falls AM. It’s Mayor Steven Grisham here with a very quick message congratulating Sammy Stevens and Ben Arnold on two amazing years as the light-night voices of King Falls. Happy anniversary, boys. (This is my first show, hell, its my first day in King Falls so let’s talk about it, shall we?) How quickly time flies. Remember when this big shot radio stranger walked into our humble little town? (Shotgun Sammy!) Y’know, for two years there still seems to be an awful lot we don’t know about Old Shotgun Sammy. Yet, here we all are, listening every night. Never mind the fact that he’s attacked public officials, incited outrage over nothing, and disparaged the Best Small Town in America more times than I could count. He’s such a good guy. We believe in him, we trust him. But, like his own best friend has said in the past, who is Sammy Stevens? (You're live with Shotgun, ma'am. I’m assuming you're currently participating in No Bra Wednesday?) (No, no, no, no, no. Look, sir, I don't give a good goddamn if your dad is walking on water and making wine in his spare time, we aren't wasting airtime on his ass no matter how sick he is. Come on man, where's my producer? Are you screening this shit?) (Okay, listen. If you don't like what I'm saying, you can turn the radio off, and then shove it straight up your fucking ass.) Happy anniversary, boys! I’m Mayor Steven Grisham, and I approve this message.”

“Hello, King Falls, and hello King Falls AM listeners. I’m Mayor Steven Grisham and I just wanted to say a few things during tonight’s debut episode of The Ben Arnold Show. Over the past three years we’ve come to see Ben Arnold in a different light. He was no longer the kid who dreamed of being just a television journalist on our beloved Channel 13. No, we came to know a Ben Arnold that wasn’t afraid to stand up for what he believed in, even if he was misguided by an anarchist who hits like a girl. Ben now isn’t afraid to take the airways to let you, our dear residents, know exactly how he feels. Personally, I miss that young man who looked for the good in our beautiful mountain town instead of stirring up dust and scavenging for dirt in every nook and cranny in King Falls, even going so far as to harbour illegal animal friends, punching out local law enforcement officials, and riling up you, my wonderful constituents, with lies and half truths with the help of public enemy number one, Shock Jock Shotgun Sammy Stevens. Perhaps without the shadow of that hoodlum, we can see much more of that old Benny Arnold that we knew and loved. And maybe if we do see him, I could talk to my close, personal friend Sheriff Judd Gunderson to go easy on some charges you’ve wracked up in the past month or so. But, that’s a conversation for another time. Please, let me be the first to welcome this new era of Ben Arnold to King Falls, during his inaugural episode of the Ben Arnold Show, right here, on King Falls AM. Be well, King Falls.”
## Kurt McGurt

Kurt McGurt is an inventor in King Falls. Ads featured in episode 73.
“Hi. I’m Kurt McGurt, and I’m a sufferer. Are you? I thought so. What are we suffering from? Bingothelioma, a rampant condition rapidly spreading throughout King Falls, across the tri-state, and across the world. We’ve all been there, sitting at home, late at night, tears running down our face staring blankly at a black screen wondering “Why the heck aren’t there more episodes of our favourite shows to binge?”. You feel guilty. “Was it my fault? Did I have to watch every episode of Mission Apparition before- Spoiler Alert. Dan got taken down by the ghost of Susan B. Anthony in the MeToo movement?” Well, Kurt McGurt is here to tell you that it’s not your fault and that there is relief for Bingothelioma, with the binge syringe. The binge syringe is my patent-pending device full of ethically sourced and locally farmed tears. That’s right, when you can’t even right now, Kurt McGurt and the binge syringe will help you can again. We carefully bottle each set of tears so you don’t have to cry off your own supply when your favourite form of entertainment is no longer available to consume. Simply place the binge syringe under each eye, and squeeze out those liberal tears until you’re emotionally ready to face the world again. Once you drop, drop, drop, the pain will stop. Don’t let Bingothelioma control your non-digital life any longer. This has been Kurt McGurt reminding you to squirt, squirt, squirt away that hurt. The binge syringe, available at Nolan’s Drugstore, the Bent and Dent, and even some Walgreens.”
## Ernie Salcedo

Ernie is a recurring sponsor on the show for many of his entrepreneurial efforts, including Ernie’s Mufflers, a car repair shop, Ernie Salcedo’s Leather-Bound Books, a bookstore, and Ernie Salcedo’s Slice of the World Cafeteria, his restaurant. His ads are featured in episode 2, 20, 27, 83.
“Hey, I’m Ernie. Maybe your car or truck ain’t runnin’ so good. Maybe you thinking you need a new one. I’m here to tell youse, that ain’t always the case. Maybe all you need is to bring your car or truck down to Ernie’s Mufflers. Maybe you ask yourself, “Ernie, whatever do you mean?” What I mean is, bring your car down to Ernie’s Mufflers. We’ll have a trained and/or certified technician check on all your whosies, your whatsies, and maybe get you and your car, your truck feelin’ good again. Ernie’s Mufflers! Come on down and ask about our King Falls AM discount.”

“Hey there! Ernie Salcedo’s Leather-Bound Books ain’t your normal bookshop. Maybe you’re askin’ yourself, “Ernie, whatever do you mean?” What I mean is Ernie Salcedo’s Leather-Bound Books is more than just a hipster reading book nook. We don’t carry none of those cheap ass paperback books or harlequin novels here, plus you’re sure as hell ain’t gonna find anything to read on your iKindle whosie-whatsies. From what I understand, it’s only first edition leather bound books and class up in this joint. Maybe you’re thinkin’ you need to gussy up your place to impress some broad, or you have a real need to make people think you got a bigger vocabulary than some Johnny-Come-Lately. Either way, Ernie’s got you covered. That’s a book joke! Ernie Salcedo’s Leather-Bound Books, we got fancy books! F--- you, pay me.”

“Hey-a, I’m Ernie Salcedo from Ernie’s Mufflers as well as Ernie Salcedo’s Leather-Bound Books! I just want to let you guys know that I’ll be taking a short sabbatical away from King Falls here in the next few, uh, minutes. Maybe you’re asking yourself, “Ernie, whatever do you mean? You can’t be taking fancy vacations when my car and/or truck may have severe whosie-whatsie problems.” or “What first edition leather-bound book shall I peruse while you’re off galivanting or whatnot?” Well, have no fear, both the muffler shop and the Dewey Decimal Dojo that I gots will stay open during my, uh, extended absence or what have yous. So, if you need your car, your truck given a thorough looksie, just speak to my man, Vincenzo, and they’ll get’cha what’cha-ma-call-its in all good working order. Or, if you’re a reading type, ask for my man Bob. (laughs) He ain’t a people pleaser like me, but if you write it down on a little piece of paper and slip it to him, he’ll hook you right up. Just, uh, y’know, remember that I left my stores open and operating, and how nice that was, should I need a group of eleven or so of my esteemed peer’s opinions, uh, later on down the line. See yous laters, King Falls.”

“Hey there, it’s Ernie Salcedo of Ernie’s Mufflers as well as Ernie Salcedo’s First Edition Leather-Bound Books. Being back in this little town has just been a dream come true or what have you, and I wanted to let you alls know that not only am I gonna be around fixing your whosie-whatsies an selling these fancy leather flippy-pagey thingamajigs, I’m also gonna be opening yet another new business venture where you and yours can enjoy my wares. I wanted to extend a warm invitation and invite you to the grand opening of Ernie Salcedo’s Slice of the World Cafeteria right here on Main Street. We’re gonna have a taste of all the cuisines you can imagine. We got Italian, Sicilian, Neapolitan. Maybe we’ll throw in a little German too, because my ma’s schnitzel is the shitzel. So, come on down to Ernie Salcedo’s Slice of the World Cafeteria and let old Ernie take care of you once and for all.”
## Ed Shambley

Ed Shambley is a pianist who works at Nolan’s Drugstore. He volunteers at the King Falls Geriatric Centre and advertises his performances on King Falls AM. Ad featured in episode 18.
“Hi. I’m Sammy Stevens from 660 on the radio dial. The kind folks at the Chamber of Commerce know that our elderly friends at the King Falls Geriatric Centre can’t make it down today, especially after the handicap ramp closures, so please enjoy an afternoon with your favorite King Fall’s ivory tickler, Ed Shambley. Ed is graciously taking the day off from Nolan’s Drugstore to come play from his self released smash, Penuckle Shuffle. From what I’ve heard there’s no better way to get ride of the colostomy bag blues. From Uh-oh I Can’t Get Up to I Think My Grandson Stole My Savings Bonds, Ed Shambley will keep the King Falls Geriatric Center rocking, rolling, and mall strolling to the hits. Happy seventh annual Best Town Small in America, ladies and gents.”
## Billy Sherwood

Billy is a naked yoga instructor who is a recurring sponsor of King Falls AM. He offers lessons and has written a book. Ads featured in episode 19, 55.
“Namaste, friend. My name is Billy Sherwood. I’m new in town and I just wanted to invite you to my first ever King Falls Naked Yoga Retreat. I’ve practiced the ancient art of naked yoga all across this big, beautiful world for many, many years and there is nothing even comparable to how high your spirit will soar after an intense bout of yoga in your birthday suit. For those of you not in the know, Billy Sherwood’s Naked Yoga isn’t just about bending in the buff. It’s about meditation, breathing control, and maybe checking out a shiny hiney or two as well. I know what you’re thinking, “Is this gonna cost me an arm and a leg just to see air derrières doing downward dog?” Not tonight, my Bickram buddy! If you join within the next thirty minutes, your first day at Billy Sherwood’s Naked Yoga Retreat is free! Just send a full body nude picture to billysherwood@earthlink.-”

“Namaste, friends. It’s your favourite Buddha buddy in the buff, Billy Sherwood of Billy Sherwood’s Naked Yoga here with a very special offer. Now until the month of October, for the downward dog low price of 19.99, with full-body nude picture, I’ll be offering my new book Billy Sherwood’s Naked Niyamas. We’ll not only learn the five principles of this yogi’s patent-pending bare skin bending, but we’ll also dig so deep and work out your own, personal mantra, such as “Om… my god, Becky, look at her butt!”. Got to om it. Mm-mm. Oh, and also, the newly popular and male-friendly “Clarence looks so good today, I can do a hands-free chaturanga”. So, come on by the studio when dropping off your money and be sure to mention this ad. And don’t forget, Billy Sherwood is always available for private lessons, just send me an email with front tails and penis fly traps to billysherwood@earthlink.-”
## The Dark

The Dark is a local “superhero” who has purchased ads on King Falls AM to bring public awareness safety and to the Science Institute. Ad featured in episode 50.
“Good evening men and women of King Falls, this is your friendly, neighbourhood hero, The Dark, and I’d like to talk to you for a moment about how you can help make the streets of King Falls a safe haven for you and yours. Step one, be courteous and conscientious of your fellow man and whoa-man! So many unneeded arguments start with a simple misunderstanding. Use your words, not your fists, people. You’d be surprised at how many fights I’ve had to step in between and/or in with my ninja-like agility and lightning-fast roundhouse kicks. Three. Three fights, just this year. Well, eighteen months, give or take, you get the picture. Step two, just be a good human. Do unto others as unto you do yadda-yadda you- uh, you- Don’t be a litterbug. Oh, god, people. A simple step, you’d think, but you’d be surprised at how many heathens I’ve had to chase down and force to pick up their trash. Well, it- it’s been a lot. We only have one Mother Earth and we need to treat her right. And last but certainly not least, don’t go covering up ufo crashes and human being abductions while using your beliefs as a front to become a multi-national conglomerate that’s hellbent on world domination. That’s right, Leland. I’ve got my eye on you. Actually, both eyes. (laughs) Yeah, it’s that important. You may think you’ve got the whole world by the tail in that Den of Dianetics, but I’m watching, biding my time, waiting for the perfect opportunity for you to… be afraid. Be afraid of The Dark! And seriously, guys, it’s 2017, can we all just stop smoking and please stop throwing the damn butts out of your car windows? Sweet crime crusading Jack in the-”