Sophomore Spring Semester

I moved in something like February 5th, spent the weekend chilling before my classes started on tuesday

On Valentines day me and Thais went to the castle nearby the school, got a pizza, and drove to the Hadlyme ferry to eat it. We were really happy together here.

On the 15th we went out to eat somewhere, I'm not quite sure where.

A month later, I randomly broke up with Thais, fearing our relationship and its commitment. She got really angry and gave me everything of mine that was in her room. I was paralyzed for a while, trying to absorb what I did, but I just... couldn't. I brought her detergent and toothbrush to her room, and heard her and her friends joking about something, and she was talking about someone she'd be into. But she said she never cried harder than that night. Daniel came to my room and asked if I was okay, and I was very visibly not. We sat across from each other, and he invited me to cry but I refused. She had slept in Payal's room for comfort, and came to my room at 5 am as the sun was rising. We talked things over, and I said it was a mistake, and I wanted to be back together. I hadn't slept at all that night. We agreed to an 'armistice' where we wouldn't fuck and try to communicate more during this. This lasted for a few weeks, but we still never actually got back to *fucking* bc apparently she'd cry each time we did it. It happened again and she admitted that she'd cry every time, and wouldn't let me see. I was kind of heart broken at this.

Me and the dudes played Pangaea again, and it was lit. I danced erratically at some small loud-music party, and got kicked out. Daniel gave a lotiony handjob to my Don Q bottle, and Quentin gave a much more vigorous one to it, sending lotion flying everywhere.

I drove Thais and her friend Isabel to NYC to go to PR for a wedding.

On my birthday, Thais took me to Taino BBQ, and we came back, and at the parking lot, all my and some of her friends rushed forward and grabbed me, put me on the park table, and sang happy birthday to me. It was super sweet, she organized the whole thing for me. We went back to the butthole, had some drinks and chocolate cake she made in her rice cooker, and then we went to the CFASS spot and played Mafia at Luka's lead. It was all 3 girls that were the mafia members lmao, and they almost won it. For my birthday she got me a gollum plushie.

Later on, her cousin Alberto came up and me, Thais, Payal, and Rachel picked him up at Yale. We got food there and walked around. Then he came up here, and we got super duper cocked playing pangaea. We hungout with Q, Wydlin, and one other, smoking drinking and everything. Siry wanted so bad for Seb to come out, even though he was hanging with Daniel, Sara, and Aldrean. Thais, Caightlin, and I all wanted her to give up on it, though he did eventually come out and it was awkward. I took edibles, weed, and alc during the game, so I was dummy cocked. Psafe rolled up, and the 3 black kids remained at the table and I sat with them while we were reprimanded lmao. We went into Thais's place, and I had a huge feeling that Payal was into me when I was chilling with Thais. I spilled bongwater everywhere and I felt super bad about it.

Later, I made my room really romantic for Thais to come over, with flower petals gathered from around campus and candles I got for the CFASS. She absolutely loved this, and came in to the song Trellas playing. We danced a little, cuddled, drank, watched lord of the rings, and she fell asleep 40 minutes into it. The next morning I made us finish it.

But at the end of the semester, my commitment to the relationship was wavering intensely. I made her know that I wouldn't really wanna do long distance over the summer, and over time we separated a good amount. I helped her move out, and she was constantly asking "how're you feeling about us?", where I'd sort of lie and say good, but deep down, I knew I didn't wanna continue... I had no reason to want to leave. I had been greatly in love with her, and she's a great person. I've never wanted to hurt her, but I think sometimes feelings and relationships just... go away.

Well, we watched the Sonic movie right at the end of May, and afterwards I was p drunk, and we were talking. I told her abt a thing that I did btween me and Siry, and she was disturbed by it. She asked to go on another armistice, and I agreed. A few days later, as I was leaving to drive up to wes, we talked and I said that I feel happy and comfortable in the break, and that I may not wanna continue it. She said she feels distant and empty, and that she just wants stability and balance. Our relationship never had this, she said I always held all the cards, she was always more into me than I was into her. But I loved her so much, more than I had ever loved somebody. But now, I felt that was gone. This was the second break in our relationship. And now, I'm here at Wes in Rome's room writing this. I cried for the first time in a few weeks just now, and I feel sad and alone, I have no direction and I don't know what to do. I keep remembering all the great times and cuddles that we had, and there's nothing here and now to comfort me through it.

Such is life, the tragedy of having loved at all. I hope Thais lives her best life, and maybe someday I'll be a part of it again. But for now, I hurt.