Ben Likes Kids

**Ben Likes Kids** is a film in the TCMCU. The third film released in the series, it came out on the 17th of September 2022. The protagonist is Ben Danson. The plot follows on from Lee Likes Kids 2, after Ben was shown in the post-credits scene and mentioned throughout the video, after which it was announced that Ben Likes Kids would be released in September 2022. A sequel, Ben Likes Kids 2, was announced on 16/12/2022 and released on 1/1/2022.

## Plot

### 0:02 AM September 22nd 2022

Neil Danson is shown to be looking around a bridge as it is raining, calling out to Ben Danson as sirens are heard in the background. He says that they are fleeing from the police. Then, all of a sudden, Lewis Hamilton appears. Neil tells Lewis to step back, or else he'll fuck him up if he takes one step closer.

### September 10th 2022

The opening credits play, from the POV of a car driving down a motorway at night, as the KSI song "Lamborghini" plays. Then, Ben and Neil are shown to be arguing in the car; Ben asks if he can drive the car back home to which Neil responds by pointing out that Ben crashed the car in an empty car park at 2mph. He then tells Ben to fuck off so that he can listen to KSI making absolute bars. This shows that the intro song is diegetic music, playing on Neil's car radio. Ben asks Neil if he can teach him to grab kids since he is really good at it. He agrees on the condition that Ben "shuts the fuck up", because Ben isn't even Neil's real son, and asking whether or not Ben read the adoption papers.

#### Meanwhile

At the same time this is happening (similarly to what happens in Lee Likes Kids 2, meaning either parallel universes exist or time travel exists most likely), Ben and Neil are at home as Karen Danson tells Ben that dinner is ready. Neil then tells her to shut the fuck up and tells Ben to wait while he sorts out his "slag of a mother" by taking her bottom row of teeth out. He does so, and kills her. Ben decides that as his parents are gone, he can finally watch hentai. He decides to set a new record for longest time lasted looking at a 2D girl. He thinks about using a man for himself for that day.

#### 17 Hours Later

Ben says that that was a good wank, despite the fact that it took one hour to get hard and that the dog walked in on him a few times. Neil enters asking if Ben took his Viagra pills and why there is a strange white substance on the dog. He then tells Ben to get in the car so that they can go to the park so Ben can train to nonce on kids.

#### Meanwhile

At the same time Neil is telling Ben to come to the park, we see that they are already there and Ben is asking what Neil can teach him about touching kids up. Neil tells him to shut the fuck up, as he is an incompetent ass, and he said training for a reason: he tells Ben to go train using kids in the park. After Ben responds saying there's no need to fucking shout, Neil shows his good parenting skills by telling Ben to stop fucking swearing as he is a little shit. Neil then decides he will show Ben how to diddle kids with some first-hand experience. Lee Saxon then enters, despising being called that by Ben, as he should be addressed as Sigma Saxon. He asks if Jen Danson has been doing well since the previous night. Neil replies that she has been doing good, and asks what Sigma Saxon is doing now, since last time they met, he was smoking crack with Walter White. Lee states that he has left that lifestyle behind, and now works for the Nonce Hunters. catching pedos day and night, and reminds Neil that he has been instructed by the organization not to go near kid's parks anymore. Neil apologizes and agrees to leave and saying that Mr Saxon won't see him there again. He also tells Ben to continue his training. Lee is annoyed by this, as he tells Neil to address him as Mr Sigma Saxon.

### September 20th 2022 (10 Days Later)

Ben asks where Neil is taking him, but Neil refuses to reveal this until they are there. They are walking in the rain down a road. He leaves Ben there and tells him he'll be back in 10 minutes. During those ten minutes, Ben "busts out a quick dildo session".

#### 10 Minutes Later

Ben says that "that was a solid one there", and that it even hit his G-spot. Neil arrives back, but is confused by the video of Ben licking the dildo that he was sent by Ben. Ben apologizes, saying it was meant for someone else. Neil says he bought some guns and rocket launchers from a Lewis Hamilton look-alike, who sold them at such low prices he could be an undercover cop. When Ben asks why he bought them, Neil says he'll tell him later, and asks what filter he used on... (fades out).

### September 13th 2022 (7 Days Earlier)

Lee is inside an office building (possibly the headquarters of the Nonce Hunters) talking to Lewis Hamilton, saying he is glad they got over "that nonce case" just fine, but it was too bad that Charlie was bonneted by Vikkstar. When Lewis fails to respond, Lee says that he is not the talkative type. Instead, he decides to discuss their next case: Neil Danson is planning to attack international nonce Kim Jong-Un in approximately 691,200 seconds (American: eight days). They have eight days to find out as much as they can, so Lee decides it would be best if Lewis searches the entirety of Liverpool while Lee searches the Home Bargains in Speke.

#### Meanwhile

At the same time this conversation is happening, Lee encounters Neil at the Home Bargains. According to Neil, he is there to "buy equipment to nonce on... I mean birdwatch". Lee is shocked that Neil would say "nonce" to a member of New York City's Liverpool Nonce Catcher Division, and gives him a £5 fine as he spoke to an officer of the New York City Liverpool Nonce Catcher Division in a tone that hinted to him being a bido and that is clearly written in the New York City Liverpool Nonce Catcher Division's Handbook on Catching Nonces as bad. Neil asks if he could do Lee a favor (winky face, winky face) to escape punishment. Lee says that he does not want to see Neil's cock, as it is written in New York City Liverpool Nonce Catcher Division's Handbook that a member of the New York City Liverpool Nonce Catcher Division must not accept bribes from old wrinkly men to prevent the actions of the New York City Liverpool Nonce Catcher Division or to pay off fines set by the New York City Liverpool Nonce Catcher Division. Neil says "Oh OK bye then" and starts to leave. Lee follows, asking if he happens to have any plans in 691,200 seconds. A GTA style loading screen then plays showing Lewis, Neil and Ben over various background locations.

### 22:20 September 21st 2022 - New York

Lee congratulates Lewis on finding Neil the previous night, but asks why he sold him the guns for a single footjob and why they are in his romantic apartment in New York, since the plan is happening that night.

### 22:10 September 21st 2022 - Liverpool (10 Minutes Earlier)

Ben asks Neil if they are "doing the thing tonight". Neil says he will tell him in 10 minutes and calls him a retard.

### 22:20 September 21st 2022 - Liverpool (10 Minutes Later)

Neil says to Ben: "OK fuckface listen up" and says they are going to the airport to kill Kim Jong-Un right now. Ben asks if he can drive, but Neil says "what kind of a retard do you take me for, retard?" and says he will never drive the fucking car and that they should go before he has to do things to Ben.

#### 1.69 Seconds Later

Lee asks how Sir Lew was able to drive that fast (from New York to Liverpool), commenting that his speed was the reason he is the best F1 driver of all time. They then both head for the airport.

At the airport, Neil fires his rocket launcher at a plane in-flight, causing it to fall.

#### 10 Seconds Later

It is revealed that Kim was in the plane, as Ben asks if Neil had just killed Kim Jong-Un, to which he replies that he did, and asks what Ben is going to do about it. Lee then ascends from the sky, and tells Neil the Nonce that he will be going away for a long time. Neil then says: "Like hell I am. Fuck you Lee." and then flees the scene. Lee responds: "That's Sigma Saxon to you. Get him Lew. I've got this fucker (Ben)".

### 0:02 AM September 22nd 2022

Finally, the narrative comes full circle as we are back to what was shown in the first scene, with Neil calling out to Ben and Lewis Hamilton appearing. Neil pulls out his rocket launcher as he tells Lewis Hamilton to stay back. He fires at Lewis, but this only rips off half of his fake skin revealing that underneath he was actually a Terminator the whole time. Neil, confused as to how the figure is still alive, is shot down.

### 0:05 AM September 22nd 2022 (timestamp error in video corrected)

Lee tells Ben to give up and accept his death as there is no other way out. Ben says he won't die without a fight, and they both draw their pistols. Lee, before they shoot, tells him that it isn't Lee, it's Sigma Saxon. They both shoot and it fades to black. The credits then play, leaving the story at a cliffhanger.

## Credits

### Cast:

Ben Danson

Lewis Hamilton

Neil Danson

Lee Saxon

Karen Danson *(uncredited)*

### Music:

Intro: KSI - Lamborghini

Outro: Persona 4 Reincarnation: Heaven

### Producers

**TCM Studios** *(A TwatCuntMusic Production)*

## Trivia

- The video Charlie Hates Vikkstar is foreshadowed when Lee mentions that it is a shame that Charlie was bonneted by Vikkstar.

- When "0:05 AM September 22nd 2022" shows up on screen, there is an error and it instead says 0:05 AM September 20nd 2022. Mr A. Lynne confirmed that this was an error.