Spider Oracle

> "Guys, can spiders actually do that?... Can spiders actually tell the future?"
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> - Jay, EFAP 19
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A **Spider Oracle** is a spider with the ability to tell the future, using a crystal ball to tap into their species' special connection with time.

## Discovery

The existence of Spider Oracles was first theorized in EFAP 19 when Jay asked if spiders were able to tell the future, on the grounds that Spider-Man has his Spider-Sense. This led to the further discovery by Jay that the reason why Spiders have a large behind is that it houses their "Time Gland" that shits out time, and that time cannot pass without the spiders. Throughout the rest of EFAP 19, the gang attributed the actions of various people to them having foreknowledge gained from spider precognition. The image of a spider looking into a crystal ball became well-known by Chat during the events of that stream.

It was also discovered on EFAP 19 that spiders have a lesser-known ability to travel through time, though they cannot travel to the past, nor can they skip ahead in time. They can only travel forward second by second at a normal speed.

## History

Spiders were created with the intent of creating and controlling time, and as such time cannot pass without spiders making it so. Light did not exist yet when they were created, as existence itself and therefore light require time, which is why spiders look as bizarre as they do, as their Creator could not see what they looked like. This information was uncovered before the discovery of The Cosmic Chicken and her Cosmic Egg, so how she fits into all of this is uncertain.

To this day, Spider Oracles use their crystal balls to keep an eye on the flow of time, making sure that the timeline continues as it should. In the 1700s, a spider named John Adams took on human form and aided in the American Revolution, a crucial historical event.

Spiders don't tell the future for free, or at least not all of the future, and their fees are high.

## Biology

Spiders have a "Time Gland" in their bottom, which allows them to shit out time. Through this, spiders drive forward the passage of time.

Spiders are also able to transform into other species, as show by John Adams, who masqueraded as a human in order to write the Constitution.

Like Rhinos, spiders produce milk, and those who drink said milk gain minor control over time.

Some spiders bite grants a person the abilities of a spider, such as the case of Peter Parker.

## Homeland

Spiders live in the dimension colloquially called the "Darkweb," less scary than Darknet, as the web has spiders and no light. The Darkweb also has demons. You can’t get there through conventional means, only by asking spiders to show the way.

In truth, the Darknet is just a scare tactic the spider use, making terrifying stories of it to keep people away, like saying its full of giant Shelob-like spiders. Spiders really just use the Darknet to catch flies.

## Known Spiders

* **Spider-Man:** Does whatever a spider can, as a result of being bitten by a radioactive spider
* **John Adams:** Used his spider precognition to know that *The* *Last* *Jedi* would be made over 200 years later, and wrote into the Constitution that all men had the right to like *The* *Last* *Jedi*. People didn’t know what he meant back then, but he promised them that it would be helpful in the future.
* **Doctor Strange:** Likely a spider, as evidenced by his twitching hands and ability to see into the future, as the Infinity War could only end one way.
* **Shelob**: Her powers didn't help against Sam.
* **Saruman**: Thanks to the Palantír, but then again, Saruman doesn't exist, Gandalf just thinks he does.
* **Aliens from *Arrival*:** They can see both the future and past.
* **Patches The Spider Pirate**
* **Kryptonite Spiders**
* **Human-Bane Spiders**
* **Widowmaker Spiders**
* **Nick Fury**: Has some spider in him, as he knew the perfect time to use Captain Marvel's pager, and to not use it before that when it would have otherwise seemed like a good idea.
* **Darth Maul:** After he got his legs chopped of by Obi-Wan Kenobi, Maul attached his remaining top half on a mechanical spider, granting him some of the spiders temporal power. This however drove Maul completely insane, as his non-spider mind was not able to handle the raw power of a Oracle Spider.
* Once, a spider came to MauLer during the podcast, climbing into his mic, but didn't reveal any secrets. It might just have wanted to be a part of the podcast.
	+ Another unknown spider appeared during the podcast, appearing in Act Man's house. Act Man tried to squish the spider, but it got away thanks to its future vision.
		- Yet another spider crawled onto MauLer's fan during a podcast, and the fan sucked it into its blades and killed it. Given the spider's ability to see the future, it must have known that its death was necessary for the timeline.

### Those who have consoled with Spiders

* Thanos talked to a spider to give him future knowledge of where the Infinity Stones are. He also asked the spider if the Guardians of the Galaxy would come after the Reality Stone, but the spider tricked him, making Thanos wait there for a month for the Guardians to arrive, and Thanos had to pass time striking up small talk with Benicio del Toro, who talked to him about how bad it was being in *The Last Jedi*.
* A unknown spider told Iron Man what Spider-Man's measurements were so he could make him his nanotech suit. Tony also consulted the spider about the events of *Endgame*, but the spider was hesitant to let him know about the events surrounding his death.
* Jim Sterling claims he knows the future every time he is right about gaming topics, but he just makes wild guesses.
* J03L might have gained help from spiders, as he is responsible of every death that has ever happened.
* Presumably Kang, as otherwise we would be melted to preserve the timeline.

## Trivia

* Spiders distract people by telling them the future, as everyone wants to know their future.
* Gnats can tell the future too.
* As Shelob and spider in Maulers room died, its possible that the spiders support the "sacred timeline" created by Kang, or that some of the spiders are just too dumb to live.
* Spiders main weapons of choice are swords and hammers.
* In the future, spiders will loose their power to see the future as the scorpions have gotten too jealous.
* Spiders can be Christians but not Jews.
* Spider milk appeared in a recent Salad Fingers video.
* Many spiders have degree in science.

## Quotes

*"Trust me George, this will be important"* John Adams while writing to constitution that people are allowed to like The Last Jedi -EFAP 29

*"Is the Darknet real thing?, like oh my god...." - EFAP 1*

*"There are no lights in the Darkweb" - EFAP 1*