Reviewing a Direct (Blog 2)

March 5, 2016

Wikia doesn't let you add # symbols into titles, which is kind of retarded. ALSO THEY'RE POUND SYMBOLS, NOT HASHTAGS!!!!

Anyways, welcome to blog #2 because I have nothing better to do today, so I'm going to review a direct from three days ago.

So, Nintendo announces a direct one day, I don't care enough to do the research because laziness. Okay, I just did the research and it was two days ago (3-3-16). They announced that they will do the direct one day prior to the direct (3-2-16). Am I making any sense? My first reaction would be that this is going to make many heartbreaking announcments to all the people that expect good games. Friday comes, school day, I completely forgot there was a direct that day. Many people were talking about how there was going to be a new Paper Mario for the Wii U, which I hope wasn't going to come true because I like it when my predictions come true. You can see it in my Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam review in one of the paragraphs how I expected there to be no Paper Mario for the Wii U.

First place I go is GameFAQs, I don't know why, but they did announce a new Paper Mario game. So I go to GameXplain, because they're a reliable source of information. The game basically Super Paper Splatoon Sunshine, so that's what I'm gonna call it. I don't see any Color Splashes in this game, other than the hammer, so there's no need to call it something that's irrelevant to the game.

The trailer... what the fuck was that? Was that the full game? Painting the town red and decoding Bowser stuff from Sticker Star? People are trying to deny that because Bowser wasn't in the trailer that he won't be the main villain. There was a Bowser sticker there, hey you OC fanatics, guess who'll be the final boss again, to the disdain of you all? xD

The guy that looks like he's cringing at the existence of this game says that the main theme is colors and paint. The game takes place in a ***colorful paradise*** called Prison Island. It's actually Prism Island, but this place already looks like a prison stripped from all its colors and it has NSMB background. This is speculation here, but something tells me that the colorful rainbow in the center of the place may be the Star Spirits/Crystal Stars/Pure Hearts/Royal Stickers of this game. So we'll probably have at least 6 worlds again like Sticker Star.

WTF, where is the color Indigo? It's the color that comes before Purple/Violet and after Blue. What were the idiot choreographers thinking when they designed this game? A rainbow has seven colors, not six. And because rich kids will buy this game, they'll never know that Indigo exists as part of a rainbow, or even as a color. Stupid developers, where did you get your education from? We could be having at least 8 Worlds in this game if you included the extra color and World 8 having to be Bowser's Castle.

Oh well, it's not like rich kids get good education nowadays, getting spoiled and what not and having their sugar daddies having to bail them out of everything. They're the only ones that'll get to play this game anyways, us poor kids can barely afford chips and liquor at our peachy mart.

So Mario goes off on an adventure into a prison and his apparent new hammer where he probably pulled out of his ass conveniently has the ***magic*** to bring the colors back to the island. It can also bring Toads back to life, if they become colorless and pale, they already are. Also Kersti 2.0 is in this picture, let's just hope that this bucket character isn't stupid enough to believe that Mario drained all the colors of the island like Kersti believed that Mario took the royal sticker.

Also the trailer shows Mario painting a random house in the middle of nowhere with about ten Toads inside and teaches you how to use cards, which will be the replacement for stickers in this game. Also the fan returns, so there's more Sticker Star elements in this game.

That was the trailer for this game, and I think they just showed the whole game. Despite the countless bashing, I believe that this game will turn out to be better than Paper Jam, call me crazy on this. This game seems empty and bare, and it seems like every level will be like this, but at least no more annoying Toad fetchquests. What the hell was the direct for this game? "Hey guys, new game, it's Paper Mario. Mario goes to Prison Island, the colors are gone. It's up to Mario to save the colors in this adventure action game. Now, moving on to Pokken Tournament." That's basically what the whole direct for this game was about. I narrate this game better than that guy talking with using very few words. It would be amazing, everyone would love me for my honesty, but hate me because I announced something worse than Sticker Star. Not my fault, I'm not the one directing it, Nintendo is. I'm just your typical messaging gal, the delivery news. I have no clue why Nintendo didn't at least show a boss or some ***interesting interactions*** with the ***amazing characters that this game holds***, which is none. I guess Mario painting and using the hammer in every dank spot is more interesting. I'm pretty sure previous Mario games at least showed a boss to gather the interest out of people. This just in, this game has no boss. See you until the next page I create.

And yes, I am aware of the European trailer showing more than the U.S. direct, but it's just literally the one scene of a Toad being stripped of its colors, which looks pretty gruesome in a childs game.