Blind Date

Blind Date is the nineteenth chapter in the Wombles Seven.

Constantine and Harry (Potter) were in Jack’s Snacks discussing their plan to find Raven.  Constantine was talking dark magic but Harry wasn’t listening.  He was distracted by the man and youth with their noses pressed against the glass.  “Constantine, sorry to disturb your lesson but” started Harry.  “But what Harry?” asked Constantine annoyed.  “Those two from Soton are outside.” Harry finished. Constantine looked at John Kingsley and Seaboy who immediately started whistling and pretending to be walking by. It was too late though.

Harry apparated them into the café.  “What the ‘ell are you two doing ‘ere?” asked Constantine sternly. “Spying on you” said John (Kingsley). “To find my sister, Seagirl” said Seaboy.  “We’d like to know where she is ourselves!” retorted Constantine.  He was annoyed so he apparated them back home.

John appeared in the café next to Harleen and immediately got slapped by Ellie.  Seaboy appeared in the sea off Soton Pier.  A voice shouted at him. “Get off of my sea!”  “What?  It’s my sea! I’m Seaboy!” replied Seaboy to the voice.  Aquaman poked his head out of the water.  “I am Aquaman king of the ocean!” he said grandly.  Seaboy didn’t know what to say so moved the water from around Aquaman making him fall down.  The water went back and Aquaman aimed his trident at Seaboy!

Down in hell James Bond had just woken up for the millionth time having not been sawn in half.  He woke up on a soft bed with beautiful women around him.  “Don’t get too used to it!” said a voice.  A fiery demonesque creature with a molten crown was looking at him.  “You wanted a deal Mr Bond?” continued the creature.  “Are you the Devil himself?” asked Bond.  “In the flesh!  Now here is my deal!  You will be my rider and steal the souls from the guilty by night for all eternity!” said the Devil in a booming voice.  “Else you will live your nightmare for eternity.  Which is it Mr Bond?”

Bond was torn.  He didn’t really want to work for the Devil but then again he didn’t want to constantly relive his worst fears.  “Can I die?  If I take your deal?” he asked with fear.  “No” said the Devil.  “You will be immortal!”  “Will I still be attractive to women?” Bond asked emboldened by the smooth conversation. “Yes!  As you are now!  They will all desire you!  In the day that is.”  The reply was not quite what Bond expected.

“And at night?” asked Bond.  “You will be as I said my rider!  Your head will be an ethereal, fiery skull!  Your motorbike, you do have one?” said the Devil pausing.  “Hell yes!” said Bond.  “What is it?” asked the Devil.  “A Triumph Rocket 3, 2.5 litres of raw power!” he replied proudly. “Good!” said the Devil continuing. “Your motorbike will become twisted and demonic.  You will have a fiery chain to vanquish your enemies!  So is it a yes then?”  Bond didn’t hesitate now.  “HELL YES!” he shouted.

Next he felt one of the beautiful women, who were actually demons, touch him sending a searing pain through his body.  He woke up in his garage at his London apartment astride of his Rocket 3.

Ginny opened her eyes.  They were dry and stinging badly. She was sweating.  Wherever she was it was hot.  Far too hot!  Looking around Ginny saw what looked like a TV studio.  She tried to get up out of the chair that was surprisingly comfortable. There were no restraints but she just couldn’t move from it.

When Ginny tried to call for help nothing came out.  Worse still there was a searing pain in her throat when she tried.  All of a sudden blinding lights shone all around.  She could just make out a screen with the sound of movement behind it. There before her was a massive, fiery demonesque creature sitting on a throne.

Ginny’s throat eased and she could now talk again.  “Are you the” she started.  “The Devil?  Hell yes!” replied the creature.  “So I’m in” Ginny tried to say.  “Hell! Yes!” finished her terrifying host. “And now it’s time for Blind Date!” shouted the Devil.  “The show where lucky newbies to Hell get to pick their perfect demonic companion for eternity!”

“Today we have Ginneeeee POTTER!”  The Devil was enjoying playing the flamboyant TV host. All the demons and tortured souls got a break to watch Blind Date.  They were always pleased when a new contestant was condemned to the fiery furnace.

“Ginny!” said the friendly sounding Devil.  “You have three demons competing for your eternal hatred. Ask what you like.  Three questions to choose your demon!”  The Devil was having fun.  “OK” said Ginny “What are your favourite things?” she asked.

Number one answered.  “Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings.”

Number two answered.  “Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudels, door bells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles, wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings.”

Number three answered.  “Girl in white dresses with blue satin sashes, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes, silver white winters that melt into springs.”

“OK” said Ginny “Who is your favourite film star?” Number one answered.  “Jack Nicholson”.  Number two answered.  “Ron Perlman”.  Number three answered.  “Bonnie Wright”.

“Hm now finally who is the greatest wizard of all time?” asked Ginny.  “Voldemort” answer number one.  “Zatanna” said number two.  “Harry Potter!” replied number three with a flourish.

“Now choose your demon!” crooned the Devil.  “Easy” said Ginny.  “Number three please!” she said trying not to look scared.  “Let’s see who you rejected” said the Devil.  Trigon came out and bowed then left.  Mordax came out, told a joke and left.

“But who have you chosen?” said the Devil in a cheeky voice. “Ooooh!” said everyone else in hell. “It’s” started the Devil holding the moment.  Just as nobody could hold their breath any longer the answer was revealed!

“ETRIGAN!  Congratulations may you have many a happy torture session together!” boomed the Devil. Ginny still couldn’t move.  The terrifying Etrigan ran towards her.  He touched her hand.  A searing pain shot through her and she disappeared.  So did Etrigan.

The Devil shouted “BACK TO WORK!” and everybody in hell groaned.  Ginny opened her eyes with an enormous headache and groaned.  She was in her own bed.  “Harry?” she called softly.

But Harry wasn’t there.  Ginny was confused, then heard the TV from down stairs.  She decided Harry must have gotten up early, and that the whole hell thing had just been a dream.  Ginny changed into her daytime clothes and went down.

Ginny was surprised to see Hermione sitting on the sofa watching TV.

“Hermione?” asked Ginny, “What are you doing here? Where’s Harry?”  Hermione turned to look at Ginny like she’d seen a ghost.

“Ginny?” she gasped.  “How are you here?!”

“I live here…” said Ginny, “And how did you get in my house?”

Hermione panicked and reached for her wand, then realised she’d left it at home.

“What are you doing?” asked Ginny.  Hermione opened her mouth to answer, but she didn’t know what to say.  Ginny was very confused so decided to go back to bed.