recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Darkness Jones

**Darkness Jones** is a man who lives in darkness and also creates darkness.

## Personal Life

Darkness Jones has a vacuum cleaner that sucks up all the light it can find, then deposits that light into little glass globes. Electric lights haven't been invented yet, so he sells these globes to people who want to light their homes. Unfortunately 99% of the world is now engulfed in darkness, so the world has a bigger problem on its hands. But that's not Darkness Jones' problem, because his doctor told him he only has one more day to live!

Darkness Jones sits in his wheelchair next to a teleporter of dark energy, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. While he's there, he tells people the benefits of Dark Energy. When we pressed him to tell us those benefits however, he didn't seem to have an answer.

## Appearances

* 03/06/19 [watch clip]
* 03/15/19 [watch clip]
Dr. Oom

**Dr. Oom** is a man who likes to eat strawberries every morning so that he will turn into a strawberry by night.

## Superpowers

Dr. Oom's only superpower is his ability to be a strawberry. His entire objective while being a Strawberry Superhero is to not get eaten by another person who wants to eat strawberries. You might say, "Why don't you just not eat the strawberries? Then you wouldn't have to avoid getting eaten." But you just don't understand. Superheroes live by a code. You wouldn't understand.
Giant Tree Jones

**Giant Tree Jones** is a tree which was turned into a giant.

## Personal Life

Giant Tree Jones isn't used to his new lifestyle of 'walking' and 'eating.' He's used to pulling up water and moisture from the ground, why can't he just do that still? He saw Dark Ghost Jerry putting dirt in his mashed potatoes, so maybe he'll try that. Also, what are mashed potatoes? And what's a mouth? And what are eyes? He doesn't know anything- he was just turned into a giant like 5 minutes ago, so he's very confused.
Dark Souls Lizard Guard

"Lizard" Guard

**The Dark Souls Lizard Guard** is more of a snake than a lizard really, but let's not tell Nick...

Sometimes refers to himself as a god, because he's the strongest animal in the Dark Souls kingdom.

## Personal Life

He takes his staff and twirls it in a really fast circle because he always wanted to be a cheerleader. He eats a sandwich and watches the cheerleaders every day from the bushes, and it's not creepy because he says so.

He has 10 heads, but 9 of them are invisible. Don't ever ask him about them, and DON'T ever look at them either. It should be easy since they're invisible, ya idiot. (historian's note: Dark Souls Lizard Guard is a jerk)

## Appearances

* 10/05/18 [watch clip]
* 10/24/18 [watch clip]
* 11/10/18 [watch clip]
Cyber Reynolds

**Cyber Reynolds** is a cyberman who lives in The Matrix. He has a glitch in his system, which makes him talk strangely.

## Personal Life

Every time he signs his name or searches it on Google, people think he wants to have cyber relations with them. But that's just his name. Curse his parents and his luck for being a cyberman!
Johnny the Gruffman

**Johnny The Gruffman** only eats nails for breakfast and lunch. He eats acid for dinner to break down the nails, meaning his insides are like Swiss cheese.

## Personal Life

Every Sunday Johnny the Gruffman goes to Chuck E. Cheese's, steals all the pizza from the back room, and puts it in the ball pit. He also replaces all the balls in the ball pit with cheese and pepperoni. This is so when the kids jump into the ball pit, they get free pizza. He's like a modern day Robin Hood. He brings a snack bag of nails with him to eat along the way though, because he doesn't eat that pizza crap, only nails.
Joey Ringbaby

**Joey Ringbaby and his Fantastic Quest to Find a McDonald's After Closing Hours** is a little-known series of fantasy novels starring a character named Sauron, but not much else is known about them.

## History

Most say that the novels would have done better financially if they had a better title. The stories themselves don't even make mention of the McDonald's chain of restaurants, so scholars are unsure why the brand is featured so prominently in the title.
Cowboy Johnson

Cowboy Johnson getting ready for a duel

**Cowboy Johnson** likes to spin yarns and sits by the campfire every day. He likes to offer people beans and fart in their face.

## Personal Life

Cowboy Johnson has recently gotten into oil prospecting. He fishes in the lake for oil, though he keeps finding gold instead. Of course, since he has no use for gold, he simply throw this in the trash. Any time he does find oil, it all leaks right through the mesh of the pan he's sifting with. He's mad at the inventor of the pan he uses for including this design flaw.

## Appearances

* 10/10/18 [watch clip]
* 03/09/19 [watch clip]
Cliffclimber Redondo

No one has ever seen Cliffclimber Redondo from the front

**Cliffclimber Redondo** is a man who is always climbing a cliff.

## Catchphrase

> "Get busy climbing or get busy diming!"
>
>

Diming, for the uninitiated, is when you slip on a dime and then die. You die because you can't climb anymore, maybe? Just don't read too far into the catchphrase.

## Dietary Habits

He drinks a pack of water that's hermetically sealed to his brain. He drinks it through a series of straws that are plugged into the top of his head.
Bee Rider Bee Boy

**Bee Rider Bee Boy** is a boy who rides on top of a bee and uses a big sword that's bigger than both him and the bee combined.

## Personal Life

Bee Rider Bee Boy describes his sword as being 'bigger than the Eiffel Tower'. It goes hundreds of feet in the air. It's so big that the bee underneath him has been crushed to death. He's still called Bee Rider Bee Boy despite his companion being dead, though he himself is actually comprised of bees so that might have something to do with it.

## Philanthropy

Sometimes Bee Rider Bee Boy swings his big sword and knocks down a building. Then all the people will flee outside and say "Oh no, where will I go to work now?" and Bee Rider Bee Boy says, "You're free. You don't have to work anymore. I'll pay for you to live your dream life!"
A clay doll

The Saqqara Bird is a well-known OOPART from the land of Casanovia.

## About the artifact

### Size and Shape

It is about 20 cm long, with a wingspan of 10cm. The shape resembles a bird, with two wings and a tail. Some also believe it is similar to an airplane.

### Composition

It is made of melon-bread and chopsticks. The melon-bread is very only and hard, so please don't try and eat it! There is also a single chopstick stuck into the bottom of the artifact. Some people think that this is an ancient food.

## Discovery

Write the second section of your page here.

## What was it used for?

We think it was used to throw at Casanova when he got angry.
Bilbo Ephram Alabaster Baggins

**Bilbo Ephram Alabaster Baggins** is a hobbit who lives inside a hole which is inside of an Arby's.

## Personal Life

Bilbo Ephram Alabaster Baggins likes to exit his hole into the Arby's where it's located, make a sandwich on the Arby's grill, and then secret the sandwich back to his hole and eat it. He can't do much else outside, because when he leaves his hole there's a 75% chance for him to be spotted. He only leaves his hole once per year, and that is on New Year's Day. For some reason everyone who works at Arby's is asleep for the entire day on New Year's Day- it's company policy.
Bonecrusher Phantom

**The** **Bonecrusher Phantom** is a man whose hands are made of Philips Norelco razors.

## Personal Life

The Bonecrusher Phantom grinds up a bone in his Philips Norelco razor hand every single day. Also he's a ghost. And he eats spaghetti. One of these three facts is not relevant. Can you tell which?

## Irrelevant Facts

It was a trick question, ALL OF THEM are relevant! The Bonecrusher Phantom says nothing irrelevant, ever.
Antonio Pikachu Jackson

**Antonio Pikachu Jackson** is the Pikachu from the Pokémon TV series. Not many people know that he is actually able to speak English, but his owner Ash never expects him to, so it makes him not want to reveal that he can speak.

## Personal Life

On a recent trip to the grocery store, Jackson's ears fell off. He had to purchase some Scotch Tape to reattach his ears, but he doesn't think they'll stay on for long and can't hear anything. WHAT!?!?

## Dietary Habits

He likes to eat lightning rods and then poop them out with lightning on them so he can throw them at people when they're not looking.

## Appearances

* 10/16/18 [watch clip]
* 11/06/18 [watch clip]
Heartless Jennifer Jonathan

**Heartless Jennifer Jonathan** (also known as The Heartless) is a being of Pure Something, which hates being smacked with blunt and sharp objects and likes to say "Whoopdeedoo!"

## Personal Life

Every day Heartless Jennifer Jonathan looks in the mirror and he says, "Who do I want to be today?" Every day Heartless Jennifer Jonathan responds, "Not me," but it always ends up being itself anyway.

Heartless Jennifer Jonathan got a job at the carnival being a popcorn salesman / day trader. He sells popcorn with one hand and has a cell phone to buy/sell stocks with the other hand. He usually accidentally ends up buying 10,000 shares of Popcorn Inc. (a company that sells lawnmowers) because he tries to tell someone next to him to buy popcorn but the person on the phone thinks he's telling them to buy shares. He thinks maybe he should do the day trading during the night and the popcorn trading during the day.

## Catchphrases

> "Whoopdeedoo!"
>
>

> "Who do I want to be today? Not me."
>
>

## Appearances

* 10/05/18 [watch clip]
* 10/24/18 [watch clip]
* 03/14/19 [watch clip]
Iron Man

**Iron Man** (also known as *I. Ron Man*) is a superhero who likes to deepen his voice when he gets into costume.

## Personal Life

Iron Man likes punching things with the force of 1,000 Suns, and probably is murdering people when he punches them because he hits them too hard. He was last seen on the way to jail.

Iron Man has legally changed his name to "Intrigue" Ron Man, which he finds to be much better for SEO on Google.

## Dietary Habits

Iron Man likes to eat cheese sandwiches, but his costume has been molded to his body, so he just forces the sandwiches through the little mouth socket on his face.

## Appearances

* 10/16/18 [watch clip]
* 03/13/19 [watch clip]
Big Boy Heartless

**Big Boy Heartless** is a tiny Heartless who is stuck forever giving a piggyback ride to a big Heartless.

## Personal Life

Big Boy Heartless' back really hurts, and he feels like he might collapse at any moment, but he can't let down his comrade. Oops, wait a second. Sora just killed the Heartless on his back. Ah, what a load off his shoulders! [Editor's note: immediately after this, another Heartless respawned on Big Boy Heartless' back]
Endrega Enthelon

**Endrega Enthelon** is a creature with two pincers that likes to lick things.

## Personal Life

Endrega Enthelon likes to lick lollipops and ice cream cones, and sometimes if he's feeling fancy even an ice cream bar! Sometimes he licks a telephone pole when it's cold outside and... nothing happens because it's made of wood. But when he licks a METAL pole his pincers will get stuck.

## Dietary Habits

Endrega Enthelon likes to eat larvae dipped in ravioli.
It Hurts To Talk Like This Johnson

This character can't even stand the sound of his own voice

**It Hurts To Talk Like This Johnson** talks in a raspy voice even though it hurts him. He can't make any noise when he wants to, but when he doesn't want to, he makes lots of noise.

## Personal Life

Johnson has one eyeball that sticks three meters outside of his head, connected only by a big eye stalk. He just woke up one day and it was like that. He can't blink that eye and it's exposed to the elements, which he says is very uncomfortable.

His neck has now disintegrated, making it so that his head rests only on a bone. He's concerned that his neck bone might snap off soon.

Johnson likes to let dogs bite his neck bone, as a cheap alternative to buying a regular bone for them to chew on. It's not a very long term strategy though, because they'll eventually whittle away the bones in his neck.

## First Appearance

* 09/23/18
* 11/10/18 [watch clip]
* 11/14/18 [watch clip]
* 01/11/19 [watch clip]
British Buyer

**The British Buyer** is a man who buys all sorts of things from Britain.

## Personal Life

The British Buyer's most recent acquisition is the entire country of Britain, which he then gave to The Martians. He has a good relationship with them. Britain is now the first colonized Martian territory, despite there not being Martians there yet. They're going to arrive in about 20 years. Britain is basically the same as it's always been, except The British Buyer planted a little flag on the street that says "Property of Mars." Nobody has really noticed the Martian occupation, but they'll all see in 20 years!
Bulba Bulbous Jones

**Bulba Bulbous Jones** is a Pokémon with lots of growths on his body.

## Personal Life

Bulba Bulbous Jones has 50 bulbous growths on his body, all on top of each other. They're just one big stack coming off his left index finger. Because he's a dinosaur creature, the fact that he has an index finger at all is also pretty surprising. The nice thing about having a huge stack of growths on his finger is that he doesn't need a remote control for his television- he can just press the buttons from the couch. For all other situations, it's not very nice.
Johnny Buster Boy Romero

**Johnny Buster Boy Romero** is a man who created a video game called DOOM, and likes to ride his unicycle around construction sites.

## Personal Life

When Johnny Buster Boy Romero rides his unicycle around construction sites, he likes to knock down all the pillars with a big hammer, which is why they call him the "Buster Boy".

## Dietary Habits

To eat, he ties a bunch of sour straws together to make a straw that spans the globe, and then eats that straw like in Lady and the Tramp style with someone in China. At some point they'll meet together and smooch.
Barndoor Johnson

**Barndoor Johnson** sells and buys used barn doors.

## Personal Life

Barndoor Johnson can install his barn doors onto barns, or very large houses where cows live (also known as barns). Business is booming for Barndoor Johnson right now... literally. Someone lit a pile of sugar on fire and it exploded his barns, and now he has no products to sell. If anyone has any barn doors, please give him one.
Cable Town Johnson

These people have no idea the EXTREME experience they've just gotten into!

**Cable Town Johnson** is a man who works in a cable car company, and does sweet tricks with his cable car.

## Personal Life

Cable Town Johnson can make his cable car do a kickflip, and a pop shove-it, and all the skateboard tricks. All the people inside are always flying around, and they really hate it when he does this, but that's just Cable Town Johnson being Cable Town Johnson. He doesn't want to give up on his dreams.

Johnson loves screaming down the fresh powder of the San Francisco slopes. The "fresh powder" he refers to is the metal debris shaved off the tracks by not using his cable car in the way it was intended. He attaches a GoPro to the front of his cable car, and sends the footage to TransWorld Skateboard Magazine. They have never responded, but he'll keep trying.
Johnny the Snake

Johnny's cameo in an MGS game

**Johnny the Snake** likes to slither everywhere he goes even though he is not actually a snake.

## Catchphrases

> Johnny the Snake never does nothin' for nobody as long as he's slitherin', and I'm always slitherin'.
>
>

## Personal Life

He likes to slither over to CVS and buy packs of Pokémon trading cards. You might think they don't sell those at CVS, but they do if you know how to get them, and he always knows how to get them.

He also likes to coil around things and make them go POP! He coils around a bottle of Diet Coke with Mentos in it to make it go POP, which isn't because of him, it's because of a chemical reaction, but he likes to pretend it's because of him.

## Appearances

* 09/24/18
* 10/14/18
* 10/17/18
Eggdrasil The Mermaid

**Eggdrasil The Mermaid** is a mermaid who likes to flip her flopper and flap her flipper.

## Personal Life

Eggdrasil has a flopper on the top of her head and a flipper on the bottom of her feet. She does actually have two feet in addition to the flipper, but they're stuck to the flipper so she can't move them individually. Even the mermaid community thinks she looks weird, so she's an outcast in the sea as well as on land.

Her mother was a magical tree, and her father was Anakin Skywalker.
Blueberry Bunny Boy

**Blueberry Bunny Boy** is a boy who enjoys trying to catch blueberries in his mouth from great heights.

## Dietary Habits

Blueberry Bunny Boy jumps in the air 75 feet, drops blueberries at the apex of his jump, and tries to let the blueberries fall into his mouth when he gets to the ground.

## Personal Life

He's a good little boy who eats all his blueberries, and his mummy says that he could grow to be as tall as Shaquille O'Neal's long lost brother Erik O'Neal. Blueberry Bunny Boy is currently 5 inches tall, but hopes he can grow to be 7 inches tall, the height of Erik O'Neal.
Cackling Johnny

Come on down to Cackling Johnny's Used Cars! Rates so low they're straight up hilarious!

### Affiliation

Saving Samuel, Cackling Johnny's Used Cars

## Physical description

### Eye color

Wandering

**Cackling Johnny** (also known as Cacklin' Johnny) owns a used car dealership. He likes to poop in the trunks of his used cars, and wait to see how long it takes the buyers to notice and call back. It costs him many commissions, but he likes to give himself a challenge.

## Personal Life

Every day Cackling Johnny eats 100 fiber enhancing supplements, so that the poops he makes in the trunks of cars will be even more effective. He also eats asparagus to enhance the pee he does in the driver's seat.

He has dedicated all the money he gets from commissions toward replacing his teeth with precious metals. He has one gold tooth, and the rest of them are silver. He now has 85 teeth in his mouth, in seven rows. He's hoarding teeth for the post-apocalypse, when he expects to be able to sell them on the black market for money. If gold and silver are worth nothing in the apocalypse, he'll be ruined!

## Dietary Habits

He likes to eat pineapples and rub the spines into his face, seeing if it makes his bleed. He just wants to feel something- nothing's gonna make him stop cacklin'!

## Acting Career

Cackling Johnny appeared in the hit video game Tree of Oraclees: The Reckoning.

## Appearances

* 09/24/18
* 10/14/18 [watch clip]
* 11/05/18 [watch clip]
* 11/10/18 [watch clip]
* 01/02/19 [watch clip]
Coffee Pot Jones Gelaney

**Coffee Pot Jones Gelaney** is a sentient coffee pot that holds Nick's coffee in it. Sometimes he overflows because Nick chooses the wrong amount of coffee, but he always delivers the coffee and it's always delicious.

## Personal Life

Coffee Pot Jones Gelaney has made 70 coffees just this morning because Nick needs a whole lot of it. While he's waiting for Nick to brew more coffee, Gelaney does the crossword puzzle. He accomplishes this by spitting coffee out of his coffee pot mouth, and the coffee forms perfectly into a letter on the crossword page. It doesn't work unless Nick leaves a crossword out on the table for him to use though.

## Dietary Routine

Gelaney likes to eat coffee grounds, milk and sugar. But he also likes to eat meatballs, which sometimes makes the coffee taste like meatballs. He thinks this might be why Nick likes meatballs so much.

## Appearances

* 10/10/18 [watch clip]
* 03/17/19 [watch clip]
E. Racer

**E. Racer** is a sentient eraser who wants to erase everything he can.

## Personal Ambitions

E. Racer can't erase anything that Penman Joany Jones writes, but it's his life goal to erase everything ever written by a pencil. He even wants to erase the entire government of every country. He wants to get rid of all government so he can rule the world as an eraser.

## The Government of Erasing

Having now taken down 80 governments, and is ready to set up his own government: The Government of Erasing. Under this government, all school children will be required to erase every answer on their tests, and be graded zeroes. All children will be failed out of school, and not know how to do anything except erase.

## Origins of Name

His name E. Racer stems from the fact that he likes to race cars really fast.

## Appearances

* 10/22/18 [watch clip]
* 01/11/19 [watch clip]
Jelly Eyes Jones

Jones, moments before gaining the trait of his namesake.

**Jelly Eyes Jones** is a man with eyes made of jelly.

## Personal Life

Jelly Eyes Jones was walking along the path one day, and then his friend said, "Hey let me show you something" and then stuck his fingers into Jones' eyes and turned them to jelly! The nice part of this is that Jones never needs to get jelly from the store to make toast, but the bad part is that he can't see out of either eye. He doesn't know that he would have made this trade-off if given the choice, but hey, free jelly!

## Dietary Habits

Jelly Eyes Jones eats only jelly and drinks only strawberry smoothies.
Genis the Genius

**Genis the Genius** is a boy with an evil alter ego.

## Personal Life

Genis the Genius doesn't like to rhyme things with his name because he can't think of anything appropriate to say. He makes arts and crafts in his basement because he's been chained to a desk down there for the last 50 years. This was done by Genis the Genius' alter ego, Genis the Stupid, who is trying to pass himself off as Genis the Genius. It's not so bad though, Genis the Stupid actually feeds Genis the Genius food from a 5-star restaurant in his captivity.
Bella Bows

* Doll
* Art

**Bella Bows** is a Series One Bella release.

Lavender blouse with a white undershirt, and a white skirt with a pink and blue rose pattern, with a pink tulle over layer. There is also a pink ribbon belt around the waist, with a bow on the left side. The outfit is all one piece.

### Shoes

Lavender dance shoes with attached white leg warmers.

### First Accessory

Pink gym bag. Lavender straps and accents.

### Second Accessory

Dark pink bow hair clip. Light pink hair extension.

## References

*This section or article is a stub. Help out the Absolute Hairdorables Wiki by expanding it!*
Grey Stain Washing Man

## The Grey Stain Washing Man

It's sort of blurry, but that hand is actually a scrub brush.

**The Grey Stain Washing Man** is a man who replaced one of his hands with a scrub brush, and the other hand with someone else's hand.

## Personal Life

The Grey Stain Washing Man's left hand has been replaced with a right hand. They messed up his order at the Hand Store, but he can't afford to get another hand and fix the issue. He would have preferred two scrub brush hands to this.

Also, The Grey Stain Washing Man is a stock broker, so he doesn't need a scrub brush that badly either. He's not even sure why he even replaced the first hand with a scrub brush.
Ant on a Log Jones

Photo taken moments before his death with a special tiny camera.

**Ant on a Log Jones** was a little tiny ant that moved across the page and- BAM! He is now a ghost.

## Death

Ant on a Log Jones was killed by Nick while walking across his coloring book page on 10/22/18. He was the first Voice of Nick voice to be killed during a shoutout, but he would not be the last.

Jones' ghost came back to the world of the living for a brief time because he had one thing he wished he could say while he was alive: "Flubber was a great movie!" After he had said this, he was able to die for the second time, but in peace.

## Appearances

* 10/22/18 [watch clip]
* 12/23/18 [watch clip]
Bridge Boy

**Bridge Boy** is a boy who privately owns and operates The Brooklyn Bridge.

## Personal Life

Bridge Boy cut a slit in The Brooklyn Bridge and installed a makeshift pulley system, which lets him raise the bridge whenever he wants. He never warns anyone when it's going to happen, so all the cars on the bridge at the time slide down the bridge, causing millions of dollars in property damage. New Yorkers hate him. He continues doing it though, because it's his dream in life. Also, he lives inside a pothole in the bridge itself.
Gold Leaf Abigail

**Gold Leaf Abigail** is a leaf made out of gold, which is slowly fluttering down to the ground.

## Personal Life

Gold Leaf Abigail was born on a tree whose leaves are millions of miles from the ground, so she's been fluttering for the past 37 years. What's that? She means 29 years- she's no older than 29!

She's seen so many sights on her way down, such as... space. And more space. She's in space, and fears she may not even be moving, actually.

Abigail is coated with gold leaf, and not actually made out of gold like she claims. She's worth slightly less than regular gold, but still more than a regular leaf.
Jonathan Fan Frakes

**Jonathan Fan Frakes** is a man who makes pies and eats cakes.

## Personal Life

He never goes where the Sun don't shine, and you won't ever hear him whine.

## Dietary Habits

He likes to eat cookies every day, and you'll always find him in a bushel of hay.

## Rhyming

When he makes his words, he'll choose them wisely- they need to rhyme, or else--- [editor's note: Frakes was last seen panicking that he couldn't think of a word that rhymes]
Bobby Flay the Chess Playing Bear

He only stops playing chess when he has to fight

**Bobby Flay the Chess Playing Bear** is a bear who always has drool coming out of his mouth, and is always playing chess.

## Personal Life

Bobby Flay the Chess Playing Bear takes after the legendary chess player, Bobby Flay. He likes to take his queen and knock all the other pieces off the board. He only stops playing chess to fight the hero from Dragon Quest XI.

## Dietary Habits

Bobby Flay the Chess Playing Bear likes to make sandwiches out of snow and lumps of coal.
Baseball Bat Sammy

**Baseball Bat Sammy** is a man who makes baseball bats for a living out of big trees.

## Personal Life

When Baseball Bat Sammy makes a bat it's like a Looney Tunes cartoon where he carries the tree on his back like Kratos from that one God of War game. Then he puts it in a big machine which turns the tree into a tiny baseball bat. Every time he hits a baseball with one of these bats, the bat snaps in half, but luckily there are plenty of trees! He's a big problem for the environment, but nobody can find him because he's invisible and can teleport. If anyone knows his whereabouts, please alert the authorities immediately.
Dream Eating Dranimo

**Dream Eating Dranimo** is man with a slogan, and he lives by that slogan.

## Slogan

* "I eat dreams for a living and I poop dreams for a dying!"

This slogan is on Dream Eating Dranimo's business cards, and nobody who he's given this card to has ever called him back, because they don't like his slogan. He won't change it though, because he's a man who lives by his slogan.
Inside Out Baseball Bat Balloon

**Inside Out Baseball Bat Balloon** is a sentient balloon and baseball bat, but he isn't inside out- that's just his nickname.

## Personal Life

Inside Out Baseball Bat Balloon is called 'Inside Out' because he wears his heart on his sleeve. It's a metaphor, you know? Although, it's also literal, because he does literally have his heart nailed into his arm. It's very uncomfortable, but he can't do anything about it. His parents expected him to be that way, and he never stopped them.
Flying Dutchman Jeremy Mangold

**Flying Jeremy Dutchman Mangold** is a guy who lives on a boat under the water. Why don't you riddle him that one?

## Personal Life

Flying Dutchman Jeremy Mangold makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and sells them on Etsy. People buy them because he makes the peanuts out of brine, but calls them 'artisinal peanuts.' He makes $1/year on this venture, but in his time (he lives in, as he describes it, the far past) that's a fortune!

## Boat

Flying Dutchman Jeremy Mangold lives on a ghost boat, and he doesn't understand how the logistics of that work.

## Appearances

* 10/14/18 [watch clip]
* 03/15/19 [watch clip]
Gobbledygook Johnson

**Gobbledygook** **Johnson** is a turkey who is always running away from the people trying to eat him. Ironically, he also eats turkeys, but he does it humanely.

## Humane Efforts

Johnson humanely kills a turkey by shooting it with a disintegration ray, but only after he's shown it the entire The Lord of the Rings film trilogy so it can experience those movies before it dies.
Goofy

Do not feed.

**Goofy** is a dog-man who hangs out with Sora. He is also a cowboy, because he kind of has a cowboyish accent. He's been living in the Old West for 70 years, and is an immortal being. Not to be confused with Evil Goofy.

## Catchphrases

> "A-HYUCK"
>
>

## Dietary Habits

Goofy has never eaten a single thing in his life. Every time he says "A-HYUCK" he photosynthesizes, and every time he pats Sora on the back, he's sucking out some of his life force.
Atom Jeremy Ikram

**Atom Jeremy Ikram** is literally one atom. He likes to float around, and sometimes combine with other atoms. But most of the time he doesn't like to hang out with other atoms and wants to be as far away as possible.

## Personal Life

He likes to watch his favorite television program, Days of Our Lives: The Experience: Virtual Reality in Hell.
Joey Gengar Maleficent

**Joey Gengar "The Rat" "A.B.B.A." Maleficent** likes to walk around on Halloween and try to spook people, and steal their candy. He gets surprised when he's able to remember his name.

## Nicknames

Maleficent's nickname "A.B.B.A." stands for "Always Be Being ABBA," because he is secretly a member of the pop group ABBA, but he tries to keep it a secret. He doesn't want people always asking for his autograph, so he uses the nickname whenever possible.

The origins of his nickname "The Rat" are unknown at this time.

## Dietary Habits

His favorite candy is Vanilla Twix, which he likes to stick inside his ear canals so he can't hear the screams of the innocent.

## Appearances

* 10/14/18
* 11/01/18 [watch clip]
Brickson Brickabrack

**Brickson Brickabrack** is a man who lays bricks.

## Personal Life

After he's done laying bricks, Brickson Brickabrack goes home to his wife who is made entirely out of bricks, and his three lovely children who are made of the mortar that you put between the bricks. And then he lays on his bed made of bricks. And if he ever lives in a house that isn't made of bricks, he'll be murdered by his lovely wife, because she doesn't like metal or wood or anything. Only bricks in his home.
Johnny Mobile Suit Gundam The Jonas Brother Jr.

Johnny Mobile Suit Gundam The Jonas Brother Jr. pictured (middle) with two unknown associates.

## Physical description

### Weight

A lot

**Johnny Mobile Suit Gundam The Jonas Brother Jr.** is the one Gundam who has a voice. He is 700 feet tall and it takes (however many Jonas Brothers there are) in order to pilot him.

## History

In the year 3079, it took 20 pilots to control him, as there were 20 Jonas Brothers at that point in time.

In the year 50,000, he was damaged beyond repair in The Battle of the Great Salt Mines, getting salt all inside of his gears. At this point, it only took one Jonas Brother to pilot him, because there was only one Jonas Brother left. That brother was also the only person left on earth. Johnny Mobile Suit Gundam The Jones Brother Jr. planned to sacrifice himself to allow Joanie Jonas live.

## Special Skills

Most Gundam don't talk, but Johnny Mobile Suit Gundam The Jones Brother Jr. is the one Gundam who has a voice.

## Appearances

* 10/14/18 [watch clip]
* 03/04/19 [watch clip]
Controller Face Johnson

**Controller Face Johnson** is a man with a controller for a face. He lives a normal life otherwise, but just has a controller for a face.

## Personal Life

You'll never know what his real face looks like, the controller is his actual face. HE SWEARS. Don't look behind the controller, there is only the controller.

## Dietary Habits

Controller Face Johnson eats food by plugging a USB cable into the top of his controller, and eats energy drinks, which have been converted into Volts.
Bilbo Johnson

**Bilbo Bonnieville Baggins Esquire III, IV, & V of January** (also known as Bilbo Johnson) is a professional chair sitter.

## Personal Life

Bilbo has gone through several lifestyle changes. First he was a tax consultant, but then he realized he didn't know how taxes worked, and that they don't charge taxes in Hobbiton. Then he became a baker, but there were so many bakeries in Hobbiton already that he couldn't make any money in it. Then he became an airline pilot, but there were no airlines in Hobbiton and he's not even sure whether airplanes have been invented yet. Now he's a professional chair sitter- he's self-employed to sit on his chair in Hobbiton and read a book.
Alan Wake Jones

**Alan "The Writer" Wake Jones** is a writer who writes every day, has very little endurance for running, and sometimes fights monsters.

## Personal Life

Jones has a flashlight that he points inside his own mouth so his entire face glows, then he goes to kids' birthday parties and jumps out of the closet to scare them. He's usually carted off by the police because he's not supposed to be at kids' birthday parties.

In his new prison cell, he has been carving a photorealistic mural of the band Jefferson Starship.

## Dietary Habits

Alan goes to the bathroom 20 times per day, and loses 80% of his body weight by pooping every day. He has to eat thousands of pounds of hamburger per night or he'll look like a husk. He also can't stop writing or he'll die. Sometimes if he runs out of toilet paper he'll use inferior pages of his scripts as toilet paper.

## Appearances

* 10/14/18 [watch clip]
* 01/11/19 [watch clip]
Bombur The Bomber

**Bombur The Bomber** is a dwarf who has an airplane that drops bombs wherever he wants.

## Personal Life

Bombur The Bomber's airplane has a few limitations. It can only drop bombs in an infant's mouth, the bombs themselves can only be applesauce, and the airplane itself can only be a spoon or spork. He's a good dwarf father.
Clip Clippington

**Clip Clippington** is a man from the Magistrate of Videos and Funnylads, a factory where they make Model T automobiles and clips on Twitch. Who's to say which one is more profitable? It's probably the automobiles, because the clips are actually costing them money.

## Personal Life

He recently took a trip to the Madagascar, where he watched the comedic stylings of Ben Stiller. He is able to look through a portal, which lets him see inside a DVD rental store, but not walk through or change the location. He has seen the movie Madagascar 100 times because that's the only movie that is played on the DVD rental store TV, and knows the whole film by heart.

## Dietary Habits

He eats 5 portable speakers every day, as part of a diet called the Speaking Diet, which makes you more likely to have a soothing voice.

## Appearances

* 11/10/18 [watch clip]
* 11/10/18 [watch clip] - second appearance
Alex Professor Oak Cranberry Sauce Jones

## Professor Oak Cranberry Sauce Jones

Jones during one of his more intense searches.

**Professor Oak Cranberry Sauce Jones** likes to slather cranberry sauce on a petri dish and look through a microscope to see if there are any Pokémon in it. He used his shrink ray once to shrink a bunch of Pokémon to the atomic level, and then they fell into his cranberry sauce. So now he's trying to find them, but it's really difficult.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard

**Captain Jean-Luc Picard** is a man who plays poker, or at least he used to.

## Personal Life

Captain Jean-Luc Picard got his kneecaps broken in Las Vegas for being too good at poker. Now he just sits in his chair and watches television, and he can't play poker anymore. No one is sure why he needed his kneecaps in order to play poker in the first place, but he seems pretty adamant about it.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard likes to name his officers after his bathroom time, so he has officers titles #1 and #2, as well as one titled Human Excrement, and one called Diaper Change Dillie. He doesn't like Diaper Change Dillie, he's been trying to jettison them out into space but no one will approve his decision.

## Appearances

* 03/17/19 [watch clip]
* 03/17/19 (2) [watch clip]
Beastie Boy

**Beastie Boy** is a man who eats beasts as his breakfast and carrots as his dinner.

## Dietary Habits

Beastie Boy can't eat beasts all day, or it'll mess up his stomach. He already has to take a lot of Pepto-Bismol as it is. Whenever he eats beasts, he coughs because he can't process it. His doctor says he should really stop eating beasts, but he'll never stop- it's his passion in life.
Dubstep Jonathan

The Dubstep Jonathan (right) with unknown woman (left)

**The Dubstep Jonathan** is a man who sounds like dubstep. He's also a thief who robs banks.

## Personal Life

Jonathan just recently slipped on a banana peel and can't get up. Can someone please help him?

He is also a Pokemon, but he'll never tell you which--- oh wait, he's Snorlax.

## Dietary Habits

Dubstep Jonathan likes to eat artificially created alabaster sandwiches. He doesn't know what they are, but he likes to stick them inside of his ear canals, which is how he eats food.

In his mouth he keeps 7,000 berries. It's just crammed with berries, like a chipmunk. He can't actually fit anything else in his mouth anymore because it's so full.

## Appearances

* 10/22/18 [watch clip]
* 12/23/18 [watch clip]
* 01/03/19 [watch clip]
Explorer Nick

**Explorer Nick** is a daring adventurer who has traversed the forests of the Sahara and searched under the ocean for The Lost City of Texas.

## Personal Life

Explorer Nick just recently used an Uber Taxi Cab. Did you know they had Uber Taxi Cabs now? He just recently arrived from the year 1920, having been caught in a time vortex. Why did he explore so much when he could just have gotten in an Uber Taxi Cab?

## Appearances

* 10/31/18 [watch clip]
* 10/31/18 [watch entire guest hosted episode]
* 03/21/19 [watch clip]
Ferryman Felicity

Ferryman Felicity escorting an unknown old man across the lake

**Ferryman Felicity** is a ferryman who likes to take guys from this side of the river to that side of the river.

## Personal Life

He likes to twiddle his thumbs. He's twiddled them so much that they've become bloody stumps. Fortunately, he doesn't need them to operate the ferry pole, but he can't do anything that requires opposable thumbs, which he regrets overall.

## Dietary Habits

His favorite food is, as he describes it, "A giant sandwich like in Scooby Doo with twelve layers on top of each other."
Bad Boy Serenica

**Bad Boy Serenica** is a lady who likes to wear leather jackets and hang out on the street corner with sunglasses on.

## Personal Life

Whenever someone walks past Bad Boy Serenica, she holds out her foot and trips them. No one has ever fallen down because of this, but they stumble a bit. And then she says, "Ha ha, Bad Boy Serenica got you again!" and they say, "Who?" and she says, "Me, Bad Boy Serenica, they call me that." and they say, "Who calls you that?" and she says, "Well, I call me that. But I can be included in 'they', can't I?"

Other than tripping people and causing them mild inconvenience, Bad Boy Serenica doesn't do any illegal activities.
Bilbo and the Boss (song)

**Bilbo and the Boss** is a song by an unknown artist about Bilbo Ephram Alabaster Baggins and a giant spider.

## Lyrics

*Scholars have been trying to decipher the lyrics to this song for a while, though despite their best efforts they have not been able to ascertain most of the words. The following are the lyrics so far known to us:*

> B-B-B-Bilbo and the boss. [indecipherable] and the attercop. [indecipherable] and the attercop! B-B-B-Bilbo and the boss.
>
>
Jonathan Axel Rose Thompson

**Jonathan Axel Rose Thompson** is a guy from Kingdom Hearts and is also a thing that goes inside of a wheel, or maybe under a car or something.

## Personal Life

Thompson is part of car, but doesn't actually know how cars work. At least he looks cool! He doesn't like anyone who uses the word 'the'. You'll never catch him using that word, and he hopes no one else does either!

## Dietary Habits

He eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches off the ground every day.
Gandalf Garrison Gormund

**Gandalf Garrison Gormund** is a wizard who works at a 12-hour photo store.

## Personal Life

At Gandalf Garrison Gormund's photo store, it takes 12 hours to develop your photos, but they'll do it in 20. That's their promise to you! It's not about speed, it's about quality, and they don't have that either but they're hoping to get there at some point.

Gormund only does the photo thing on the side though, to save up for his REAL passion, which is making magic... the magic of dance! Every Sunday he goes to the community center and dances his heart away. His stage name is Dancin' Gandalf Garrison Gormund.
GTA2 Bus Driver

**GTA2 Bus Driver** is a man who drives a bus.

## Personal Life

GTA2 Bus Driver goes to all the different bus stops, like the one on 5th Street, the one on 3rd Street, the one that goes outside the game map so Nick can't find it, all the different bus stops. Sometimes he just hangs out at the one outside the game map, because he doesn't like when Nick finds him and steals his bus. This makes Nick look like a fool by looking all over for him with no result, and he enjoys this. He's a supervillain dedicated to thwarting Nick.
Bossmandecaff

**Bossmandecaff** is the boss of the unreleased video game, Super Mario Bros 5.

## Role in Super Mario Bros 5

You never played Super Mario Bros 5? It's the one where it turns out that Mario was actually the evil twin of Zelda's first cousin, Waluigi. In the game, Waluigi the hero, swims inside a river of coffee. At the end, Bossmandecaff pours his own decaff coffee into the river, suffocating Waluigi. The game ends with an extended scene depicting Waluigi's funeral. The game went through heavy censorship, because kids were crying during all the focus tests, and because of the mounting costs of all these changes it never got released.
Film Reel Loader

**Film Reel Loader** is a man who loads film reels into a machine gun.

## Personal Life

Every person who gets hit a frame of film from Film Reel Loader's machine gun gets their picture taken at the moment of impact. Film Reel Loader then watches the photos on his TV later. To be clear though, getting hit with one of these frames of film doesn't kill people, it only slightly tickles them. So Film Reel Loader gets to watch a slideshow of people cringing at the moment when they get hit by the frame of film.

## Dietary Habits

Film Reel Loader eats giant stalks of broccoli that he cultivates in his garden on Mars. They're 10 feet tall, so he only needs to eat one piece of broccoli per six months. He vacations on Mars because he can't afford housing there all year round.
Greek Statue Leo Aquarius Jones

**Greek Statue Leo Aquarius Jones** is a nude statue who stands with his arm outreached and has three legs for some reason.

## Personal Life

Greek Statue Leo Aquarius Jones thinks he has three legs because when a leg broke off another statue, the restoration people accidentally attached it to Jones instead. He also has a tongue that, in the classic Greek style, goes out of his mouth, all the way around the building, and into his mouth again.

## Dietary Habits

Jones likes to eat bird droppings, because he is a statue after all, and bird droppings are really the only thing that touches his lips.
Five Time Award Winning Champion

**The Five Time Award Winning Champion** is a man who wins awards every single day, or at least for five days in his life. He's better than everybody, unless they've won six awards.

## Personal Life

The Five Time Award Winning Champion cares so much whether he's better than others because no one has ever told him they loved him, so he measures love by this. There are now five people who love him. He looks forward to making everyone in the whole world love him.
Aquaman Jones

### Affiliation

Evil Mickey Mouse, Terraformin' Terra, Ventus The Vent, Aqua Velva Ventus, Tower of Darkness John

## Physical description

### Gender

Female

**Aquaman Jones** is the lady who talks to Ventus and Terra all the time in the Kingdom Hearts Series.

## Personal Life

It's not depicted in the games, but in real life she typically has a very wavy sounding voice because there's water running through her lungs. She also can't breathe most of the time, and uses her gills to drink Cherry Soda to facilitate breathing when necessary.

She likes to look at the stars from the top of a mountain. She brings a goat with her, then shoots it out of a giant cannon toward the stars, so it can enjoy the sights of the universe.
Ian "Gandalf" McElvis

**Ian "Gandalf" McElvis** is a wizard with a staff as big as the universe.

## Personal Life

Ian "Gandalf" McElvis wears 20 pacifiers in all of his mouths (you don't want to know how many mouths he has). He also has a staff that's so tall that it reaches the stars, comes all the way around the universe, and pokes the other side of the Earth. It's really hard for him to walk around, because his staff constantly gets caught on other planets and stuff. He wants to get a new staff, but he doesn't know how to dispose of his current one- whichever direction he throws it, the staff still pokes the other side of the Earth.
Australian Aaron Jennie

Australian Aaron Jennie. No wait, that's a dingo. Or is he a dingo? Has he ever stated one way or the other?

## Physical description

### Eye color

Dingo

**Australian Aaron Jennie** likes to eat dingoes and make babies. In that order.

## Personal Life

When he's going to the Outback, he always says one thing, "I hope the Grim Reaper doesn't come for me today," and he hasn't come for Jennie yet.

## Dietary Habits

Aside from eating dingoes, Australian Aaron Jennie always makes sure to eat his mashed potatoes when given the chance. He adheres to the old phrase: 'A mashed potato a day keeps the Grim Reaper away'.
Jellyriser

**Jellyriser** is a man who squishes peoples' eyes into jelly.

## Personal Life

Jellyriser looks at people and says, "Couldn't they do with more jelly?" and then squishes their eyes to turn them to jelly. They don't seem to mind this much though. What he doesn't tell his victims is that he implants a tiny microchip into their brains, so he can come back and harvest the jelly from them later. When they are sleeping, Jellyriser scoops up their eye jelly with a little spoon, so he can make candles out of it.
Announcer Guy Totino

Announcer Guy Totino pictured (middle) with Doctor Dragon Quest (left) and Jimmy Smitts Yancy (right)

## Physical description

### Species

Fight Announcer

**Announcer Guy Totino** is a fight announcer. He announces fights every day, and when there aren't any fights to announce, he announces things in his everyday life.

## Personal Life

Announcer Guy likes to walk into the store with $10 in his pocket and a pocket full of dreams. He has $10 in one pocket and dreams in the other pocket. Sometimes he gets confused and tries to pay with the dreams and everything gets all confuddled.

His number one announcement right now: He likes marbles! He likes playing with them, rolling them, looking at them. The only thing he doesn't like to do is step on them, because then he slips. And he doesn't like eating them. But he does like putting them in his mouth for a minute and getting the juices from them- he asserts that marbles are very juicy if you know how to extract their flavor.

Announcer Guy Totino also has really long fingernails. That's just something about him he wants you to know.

Announcer Guy Totino makes raviolis on the stove outside the giant stadium. He doesn't ever have tickets, but he likes to tailgate. Nobody usually wants ravioli as a tailgating food, but these naysayers are usually impressed by the ravioli's quality once they try it. Then Announcer Guy Totino poisons them. Because, well, for no reason really. He just hates everyone.

## Dietary Habits

He never eats bacon or soup, but only eats metal thumbtacks. This is because he's trying to build up his immune system so that he can never die. But all it's done so far is shred up his insides.

## Appearances

* 10/17/18 [watch clip]
* 01/02/19 [watch clip]
* 03/22/19 [watch clip]