LU Chapter 14

# Chapter Fourteen - "Ai no Eiyou"

    Someone shouted my name. Not at all quietly. Not even slightly covertly. It rang out clear as day, absolutely unmistakable to anyone within earshot, which was predominantly my group mates and some of the other I MY ME girls who caught a ride to the studio in our van. The thing is huge, so why not save on the subway fare, even if it's driving Lina crazy to suddenly have a few more idols to chauffeur around?

    I frantically scanned the surrounding area. A part of me was on edge. A recent chat with Eimi had made me aware of the dangers inherent in our profession. Given our newfound popularity it could be, quite literally, anyone. A fan, dead set of getting an autograph. A deranged person who means well but doesn't understand the need for space between an idol and her fans. Even an obsessed fanatic who won't take no for an answer. I instinctively reached into my purse and laced my keys between my fingers, but the part of me that operated on instinct rather than intellect was a step ahead of my conscious mind. It could tell that the voice I was hearing wasn't a threat, and the piloerector muscles on my skin neglected to respond to the surge of adrenaline coursing through my body. How bad could it be if it didn't even give me goosebumps?

    The voice was, after all, sweet and mild, and its owner was hardly a threat to anyone. Just a small girl in an oversize pastel sweatshirt.

    I was gently tackled. Not really though. It's probably more accurate to say that I was gently and considerately hugged without being aware that it was going to happen, during which I stayed fully upright and, indeed, had virtually no chance of being wrestled to the ground or lifted high in a bear hug. On a scale of one to ten, where ten is an aggressive charge and full-body tackle like you would see in rugby or American football, and one is a toddler excitedly stumbling to greet their older sibling returning from a day at school, this hug rated somewhere between a three and a four. If I were taken completely off guard and perhaps had a sprained ankle I could have been swept off of my feet, but as things were right now, I was barely swayed from the patch of concrete on which my feet were planted.

    An amusing side effect of this, however, was that of the dozen plus peers surrounding me, not more than one or two could have actually understood what was going on, leading to many puzzled looks. The truth is that I actually know this overly affectionate fan, and I didn't object to this unexpected breach of proper protocol. My favorite fan, clutching me tightly and nuzzling her face into my shoulder. If they pressed me for an explanation I'd probably just say that we're friends, which is a vague enough term to be fully fitting given that this, admittedly, isn't the typical idol and fan relationship, but Ai also isn't your typical fan. She's going to be an idol herself. She even has a debut scheduled. In fact she should probably be in the studio soon, practicing or preparing for that instead of coming here and surprising me. I hadn't actually told her exactly where we were shooting, but it's not hard to figure out where exactly that information came from, given the gigantic smirk on the face of one of my friends who happens to be good friends with one of her friends.

    It was Dam-Bi, obviously. At least I don't *think* this counts as a breach of her contract…

    The same friend of mine made a point of keeping all of the other girls moving despite the disruption, giving me a moment alone outside the studio with my number one fan.

    "I didn't expect to see you today."

    "You sounded like you needed a hug, and I don't have rehearsal until this afternoon."

    I don't know if this is true, but we had stayed up far too late chatting last night about the tragedies of Ai's past. I'm not really a hugger, at least not compared to most of my friends who - I have to imagine - hug it out way more than typical girls our age. In that case maybe my attitude on the subject is actually perfectly average and I'm just surrounded by really touchy-feely types. That seems plausible, because I don't hate what's happening. I do find her hug comforting, so maybe she's right.

    I returned her embrace, enjoying the surprising amount of comfort it provided despite the crushing guilt that accompanied it. Is this crossing a line? A fan and an idol, even if she's shortly to become an idol herself, embracing tightly in clear view of anyone who happens to be watching. The precedent it sets, even if we're basically friends…

    No.

    We're definitely friends.

    We're friends. There's no question of that.

    Anyone whom I would willingly hug must be a friend, without question.

    Ai isn't just a fan, or even my biggest fan. She's my friend.

    As I inhaled the comforting scent of citrus that emanated from her, I was sure of this.

    So why is it still so… confusing?

    "I have something for you." Letting go of me, Ai quickly walked back to the bench she had been waiting on and returned with a sizable green cloth courier bag. "I made you lunch, and some snacks to keep up your energy, for whenever you have a break. There's plenty to share with your friends too. Please enjoy it."

    "Thank you. You didn't need to do that though."

    "I know. I just wanted to do something nice for you. You had a really rough night, and I know what that can be like. This way you have one less thing to worry about so you can focus on doing your best."

    Ai's eyes are a brilliant emerald green color. They've always been that color, I'm pretty sure, but today they seem especially vibrant. Even more vibrant than Megumi's, and her eyes are frustratingly perfect circles of emerald that captivate pretty much everyone… She even managed to tame Eimi, if that's an indication of their power. Though I say that as a friend, and not as someone who's in any way jealous.

    "I can wait a while if you want to have lunch together later. I know you're busy, but I have studying to do, so I'll be around here when you're ready to eat."

    "I'd feel bad making you wait for me."

    "It's okay. I don't mind." Those same captivatingly vibrant eyes stared straight through mine and deep into my soul. I nearly shuddered from the feeling that I was being seen so clearly despite my airs. It felt worse than being seen naked. Dozens, probably hundreds of girls had seen me naked while showering or bathing in the dorms, but this was entirely different. Ai's gaze made me feel *vulnerable*, like she was actually looking at who I am instead of who I'm presenting myself as. For a brief moment I regretted confiding in her, before accepting that it wasn't actually that bad. Ai isn't the kind of girl to use that sort of thing against anyone. At least, I don't think so. I can't imagine her being cruel to anyone at all, even if I try really hard. It just isn't who she is. I'm pretty sure she's the sort of girl who cried when the cicadas started to die each summer when she was young.

    "I'm actually taking on some added responsibilities for the duration of shooting. I'm not sure if I'll be able to leave the studio for lunch today. The hours are pretty long. I may be really busy this week and next. We may have to postpone getting tea as well."

    "O-Oh. I… understand…"

    "It was really sweet of you though. I really appreciate how hard you've tried to cheer me up. I promise, I'll be less busy once shooting is done."

    "R-Right. It's okay. Cheering you up is part of my job, right? As your number one fan? And as your…" Without warning, Ai extended her legs up on her tippy toes and pressed her lips to my cheek lightly. My face felt excessively warm, but the place she had pressed against felt warmest of all. "That's supposed to be good luck! For your first day of shooting. If… I-If that's okay…"

    I feel…

    I don't know all of the ways I feel right now…

    My stomach aches, deep and to my core. It feels pleasant, but altogether wrong at the same time. Butterflies in my stomach were being eaten by a jealous octopus. I nearly retched from the confusion, my morning rice churning in my stomach as hyperactive tentacles stirred it all up. A kiss on the cheek doesn't necessarily mean anything. Anette tries to do it with people all the time, sometimes even successfully. So does Dam-Bi, often more successfully because she's aware of how it's supposed to go. Two quick kisses, one on each cheek. It's some kind of European greeting. Just a way to show you're sort of familiar with someone, nothing more. Kiss kiss. It's so great to see you. Let's get lunch. Bonsoir, good evening, bienvenue.

    My chest feels like someone is piling rocks on top of it, crushing the breath out of me. I'm positive she can tell that I'm on the verge of panicking, even though I understand there was nothing wrong with what just happened. It's just…

    Ai isn't Rinko.

    And so…

    This is wrong.

    No matter the good intentions behind it.

    There are times when I have trouble dealing with everything that happens in my life. I try, always, but I've been that way as long as I can remember. Everyone has their limits, and mine have been extensively tested throughout my entire life, and nothing seems to ever get resolved. And I'm not willfully blind to the fact that, objectively, my life has plenty of advantages which help me cope. There are certain things everyone needs - food, shelter, money - and there's not a day of my life where I've had to wonder where I was going to sleep or how I would afford my next meal. Still, I've always felt that what hardships I have faced have always just stacked up on top of one another, being carried along indefinitely because I only have enough strength to endure them, never to fix them. I appreciate Ai. I do. I really, really do. There's no greater source of kindness in my entire life right now. But, she's almost too kind. Her reasons why are too much for me to wrap my mind around right now and, more importantly, to wrap my heart around. Rinko and all of my feelings for her. Ms. Rossi and her unsubtle hints that she knows all of my most closely held secrets. The memory of my mother. The new project. The new position. Everything she's doing to help is done with the best of intentions in mind - of that I'm one-hundred percent sure - but it's one more grain of rice placed into a basket that's already filled heavier than I can carry. Not least of which because, if I pull my mind away from my soul and look down upon myself and what's happening, if I try to imagine not having to carry the weight I do, then I think I don't hate it. I don't hate it, and I don't want to hate it. But I have to. Because. I love Rinko. I've loved Rinko for as long as I can remember.

    I love Rinko.

    And I'm faithful to Rinko.

    "Thank you for being so thoughtful. It's made me really happy. I'm sure it will be delicious. I'll make sure to share a little with everyone."

    "It's chicken katsu onigirazu. It's really easy to eat if you need to have a working lunch. I know I should have asked if it was okay first. I'm sorry I surprised you…"

    Ai looked sad. Sadder than sad. Devastated. She'd done this perfectly sweet and kind thing for me, probably never even going back to sleep once we finished talking, choosing instead to make lunch for us. Nobody has ever done something like that for me before.

    As I took the lunch bag from her hands into mine, her face lit up and my heart skipped a beat.

    "I'll l-let you get to work then."

    "Ai, wait."

    She started to back away but stopped immediately when I said that, more precisely than Pom-Bi when she's told to sit or stay.

    "I'm still really glad to have such a cute fan as you."

    Ai's lips curled into a goofy grin just as they had the first time I'd told her that and she backed away, moving rigidly, wordless, though the shine in her eyes told me that somehow she was satisfied with even such a meager amount of praise. I waved goodbye. I couldn't really think of anything to say that wouldn't lead to a longer exchange, and I was still nearly paralyzed by the feelings welling up inside of me.

    Ai and I are just friends.

    Good friends, maybe, but still just friends.

    I'm not doing anything wrong.

    I still only love Rinko…

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