Vide Noir hotline

Vide Noir Hotline on Products of the Universe

The **Vide Noir hotline** (1-877-VIDE-NOIR) was a hotline included in *Products of the Universe*. The wait time when a caller dialled in was "seven years." It featured three sections, the LH Shopping Channel, Moonbeam's Realm, and WBUB. It is no longer active.

## LH Shopping Channel

The LH Shopping Channel (press 1) had various details about "the most amazing products in the universe including the Consciousness Neutralizer, Cosmic Ash, the Balancer's Eye, Mind Pigment, the Skygazer's Harness". It stated you can "obliterate the boundaries of space and time and perceive the underlying structures of the universe with the full line of Vide Noir products". However, the hotline had such a long wait time you would probably have to transcend time to get in touch with a representative:

> **Female (bored voice):** "Due to overwhelming demand, we are unable to fill new orders of the Consciousness Neutralizer at this time. If you are experiencing an AI emergency, please hang up and dial emergency services for help. If you are interested in one of our other fine products, please hold for a representative… The universe is indifferent to your suffering."
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> *(ringing)(beep)*
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> **Female operator:** "All of our representatives are currently busy. The current wait time is [5 aeons]. Please continue to hold, or press (\*) to return to the main menu."
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> *(music)*
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> **Male advertiser voice:** "Black brained again? Next time, make sure someone is there to bring you back with a healthy dose of Cosmic Ash, now available in jumbo packs!"
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> *(music)*
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> **Male advertiser voice:** "Wish you could relive the good old days and rekindle a long lost love? Now you can with mind pigment!"
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> *(music)*
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> **Female operator:** "All of our representatives are currently busy. The current wait time is [6..7..8 aeons]. To return to the main menu press (\*)."
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> *(music)*
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> **Female operator:** "Please continue to hold."
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> **Strange voice:** "Please."
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> *(music)*
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> **Male advertiser voice:** "How many times have you gone drifting and ended up lost in time and space? With the sky-gazer's harness, your worries are over! Goodbye, goodbye, see you on the astral plane."
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> *(music)*
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> **Female operator:** "All of our representatives are currently busy. The current wait time is [1-6-2-3-8-\*-\*-4-#-5-7-0] The universe is indifferent to your suffering."
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> *(dial tone)*
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> **Voice:** Hello? ...Hello? ...Can you hear me? Can anybody hear me? Please get me out of here. Please. Hello? Hello?
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> *(other tone)*
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> **Female operator:** "To return to the main menu press (\*)."
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## Moonbeam's Realm

Moonbeam's Realm (press 2) was akin to a choose your own adventure, where Lady Moonbeam would ask a series of questions and then suggest a different ritual for the caller based on their responses. Here's a mildly terrible collapsing menu to try to simulate the experience (to pick the first answers, expand the question menus):

> **Lady Moonbeam**: "Welcome, traveller. You have entered the realm of Lady Moonbeam. You seek answers. Shall I gaze into my crystal ball?"
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> **female operator**: "Press (1) to continue to the Astral Plane. To return to the main menu, press (\*)"
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> **Lady Moonbeam**: "Excellent. Let’s peer into your future-... or is it your past? Were you born nearer the summer or winter solstice?"
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> **female operator** "Press (1) for summer. Press (2) for winter."
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> **You**: (1) Summer
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> **Lady Moonbeam**: "Ahh, yes. A child of the sun. I see. And are you drawn more to rivers, or to lakes?" **You**: Rivers
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> **Lady Moonbeam** Flowing water… Hm. Curious. Do you place more value in long life or in untold adventure? **You**: Long Life
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> **Lady Moonbeam**: "Hm. Yes. And you may live a long time… a *very* long time. But to ensure this, you must take certain steps. During the summer months, find five feathers - shed, not plucked - and place them on a broken bark of an oak or hickory. Tie them together with a piece of twine. In direct moonlight, light the bundle and guide the smoke clockwise around you three times. In winter, turn counterclockwise. After the third cycle, burrow the bark and feathers vertically into the ground directly beneath you. You will live a *very* long time. But be careful what you wish for."
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> **You**: Adventure
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> **Lady Moonbeam**: "I can sense you’re lying to me. But no matter - all is levelled in the Balancer’s Eye. I see how I can help you. I sense that a certain person or spirit preoccupies your thoughts. It is possible to bind them, but you must follow my instructions. Take a small knife and cleanse it with the water that has been purified by starlight. Wrap the blade in cotton and place it under your bed for five moons. On the sixth night, take a flat stone that is as big as your palm and use the knife to carve the initials of the one that haunts your mind. At daybreak, find a pond or a lake and skip the stone across its surface. If it skips once or more, they will no longer plague you. If it sinks immediately, you must find peace some other way."
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> **You**: Lakes
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> **Lady Moonbeam**: "Yes, yes. You value places of stillness and calm. But you dread some coming disturbance - something you fear you have brought upon yourself. Have you recently performed any summoning rituals, or spoken any ancient names, either in earnest or in jest?" **You**: Yes
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> **Lady Moonbeam**: "Hmm. You have doomed yourself. In your foolishness you have allowed the World Ender to enter your life, and there is no turning back. I’m sorry. The universe is indifferent to your suffering."
> **(female operator)**: "To return to the main menu, press (\*). Your worries are over. Goodbye. Goodbye. See you on the Astral Plane."
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> **You**: No
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> **Lady Moonbeam**: "Hm. And yet a darkness hangs over you. Someone has summoned the World Ender on your behalf. Someone wishes great misfortune to befall you. But fear not, there is a way to undo their wicked curse. On the new moon, collect dry sand from a fresh water shore and store it in a small vessel. When the first star pierces the darkening sky, speak an ancient name in reverse, once only. Hurl the sand over your left shoulder, step forward thirty paces with your eyes locked in the direction you walk. Do not look back regardless of the sounds you hear." (distant demonic screeching). "Keep calm as you speak carefully. The curse will be reversed. But know that the one who called it down upon you will now bear its burden."
> *(music)*
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> **You**: (2) Winter
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> **Lady Moonbeam**: "Yes. I sense great resilience and curiosity in you. Would you rather stare into outer space, or stare into a fire?" **You**: Outer Space
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> **Lady Moonbeam**: "You search for the answers outside of yourself. This quest carries you far and wide. But it is not without consequences. Have you recently wandered near or travelled through any interdimensional portals?" **You**: Yes
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> **Lady Moonbeam**: "I thought so. And something has returned with you- something you did not expect. Something you may not even have noticed. And now you must cast it back from whence it came. On a clear night with no moon, whittle a single sprig of cedar wood with a bone knife. Use the wood stake and draw a pentagon into the dirt around you. Cut a lock of hair and distribute the strands evenly among the five corners. Sit in the middle until the wind scatters your hair from view. If no wind blows, you must burn the hair over a hearthstone and attempt again at the next new moon. If done correctly, the passenger entity will be cast pack into the cosmos. But beware: it will forever seek you."
> *(music)*
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> **You**: No
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> [Unfortunately no record of the "no" response]
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> **You**: Fire
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> **Lady Moonbeam**: "You look inward, understanding that there is profound truth to be found within your own mind. But horrors await you there as well. Have you yet reached the darkest corners of your own mind?" **You**: Yes
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> **Lady Moonbeam**: "I see that you have journeyed deep within your own mind, and you have learned a great deal, but the answer you desire most eludes you. You require additional guidance. Under a Full Sap Moon, arrange seven stones in a circle under the shadow of a maple tree. In the centre, burn sprigs of nightshade with that of an apple blossom. Collect the smoke in a corked vial along with the whispered question that weighs your mind. Fold the bottle in a silk pouch and keep it under your pillow at night. The answer will visit you in a dream."
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> **You**: No
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> **Lady Moonbeam**: "The doors of your inner mind are difficult to open, but with careful action and patience they can be breached. Find a stone that is white in colour and clean of earth. Wrap it tightly in fern frond and place on a pyre of aspen twigs under a waxing moon in hard starlight. Light the bonfire with a single candle. When the fire subsides, take the stone in your right hand and rub it in the newly created ashes. Use the cosmic ash to mark an ‘x’ upon your forehead. Repeat this ritual seven times over the course of a year; no more, no less. Be warned that deviations from these instructions may result in black brain."
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## WBUB

WBUB (press 3) gave options for today's top tune (press 1) or cosmic wisdom (press 2):

> **Male host:** "WBUB, home of the [indecipherable]! News, weather, sports, and the secret truths of the cosmos! Coming at you across time and space direct from who… knows… where! (sound effects) For today’s top tune, press (1). For cosmic wisdom, press (2)."
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> **Today’s top tune:**
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> **Male host:** "Here’s a brand new one for all you crazy sky-gazers out there! It’s a tale of love and loss and interdimensional heartbreak that makes this old stinker feel like a teenager again! Hit it, chief!"
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> (Excerpt from the song “Never Ever” plays)
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> **Male host:** "oooh spooky"
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> **Voices:** "Never Ever. Never Ever. Never Ever."
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> **Cosmic wisdom:**
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> (ringing)
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> (spooky sound effects)
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> **Male host**, (distorted): "Cosmic drifter- darkness!- Strange invisible forces- wandering of- Cosmic drifte- (spooky laugh)(glitchy sound) Wandering of- wh- (eerie laugh glitching and overlapping with sound effects) oooh spooky!"
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> (ringing)
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> **Voice:** "Hello?... (louder, more desperate) Hello?..."
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## Other

Some other numbers not listed in the main menu also played recordings. Pressing 0 played two voices overlapping and asking for help:

> **Voice:** "Hello? Hellooo? Can you hear me? Can anyone hear me? Hello please let me out of here? Please? Hello? Hellooo?"
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Pressing 8 played various voices speaking in French, saying "Vide Noir", "Z'Oiseau, and the Vide Noir track list titles.