Paul Blart

## Personal Details

### **Status**

Deceased (near end of yandere high school)

## Physical Description

### **Eye Color**

Black

Well, should we say prayers first?

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS): Can you imagine?

What a bunch of losers.

Oh, sometimes I like

the kind of trash we are.

So, how'd everyone sleep?

- Fine.

- Good.

Not good. I heard Meg having a one-some.

Oh, I had the most random dream.

Peter, you were there.

- Uh-huh.

- We were at home.

Except in my dream...

Oh, Brian, wait, you got to hear this.

Our house looked like Grandma's house,

and for some reason,

I was in my underwear,

shaking a big bag of kibble.

Meg, you spilled Doritos on the carpet,

and I was trying to vacuum them up,

but the vacuum had hair

all over it for some reason.

Imagine that.

And, Chris, you were wearing a tie

'cause you had an interview

at the brewery,

if you can believe it.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, that is one crazy dream.

LOIS: That's not even the crazy part.

- (CRUNCHING)

- Brian, I asked you to drive him,

but you kept saying

your car was in Nevada.

Wow, that is nuts.

- (WHISPERS): Stewie!

- (GRUNTING)

Ah, screw it.

(CRACKLING, ZAPPING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

- Whew.

- Oh, thank God.

(SHIVERS) This is still better.

S-S-Still better.

S-Still so much better.

And, Peter, you wanted

to go swimming in our pool,

- which of course we don't have.

- Uh-huh.

LOIS: You had this

ridiculously giant towel.

Uh-huh.

Oh, and get this: it had Nemo on it.

Oh, boy, that-that is,

that is some dream.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

*LOIS: And he was*

*wearing giant sunglasses.*

Uh-huh.

Poor bastard's stuck

hearing a wife dream.

*Yeah, I kept telling you*

*to pick it up, pick it up,*

*but there was cotton in my mouth.*

Oh, my goodness.

My uncle died this way.

*LOIS: Oh,*

*and we had cats for some reason.*

Uh-huh.

Uhp, I backed up all the way

into the show before us.

Wife talking about her dream.

Homer, you've got company.

Why are there two sets of prices?

One's the Emmy-winner discount.

Ah.

Black coffee and toast, please.

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v\*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those

good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who

positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Oh, so wonderful to see you all.

The kids are getting so big.

Especially Chris.

Is he diabetic?

We don't see doctors,

but we're pretty sure.

May I take your order?

Crayons and a silly map, please.

Excellent choice.

*ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program*

*for a Channel Five special report.*

*Good evening, Quahog.*

*The* Exxon Pewterschmidt *has crashed*

*and released millions of gallons of oil*

*into the Gulf of Mexico,*

*contaminating marine life*

*and causing irreparable damage*

*to the ecosystem.*

*Two anonymous whistleblowers*

*blame negligence.*

They cut corners left and right.

This was inevitable.

What happened to

the oil-covered little crab?

He, uh, he-he had to leave.

- Did you eat the little crab?

- They cut a lot of corners!

Oh, my God, those poor fish.

They're in water.

If they can't get clean in

water, where can they get clean?

This is serious, Daddy.

Sweetie, if it was so serious,

we'd flip to me in a boardroom

with a crisis team.

Ah, I didn't grab my drink.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, it's imperative

we do immediate damage control,

or your stock will plummet.

See what I'm doing here?

The "throw the money at it" gesture.

Pay someone to do something worse

so everyone forgets my thing.

Cue the video.

*(FILM WHIRRING, BEEPING)*

♪ ♪

*Hi. I'm Joseph Hazelwood,*

former captain of the Exxon Valdez

*and Anchorage Ballroom*

*Dance Champion.*

*That gets a little overshadowed,*

*but it doesn't diminish*

*the accomplishment.*

*Anyway, as someone*

*who single-handedly spilled*

*million gallons of oil*

*into the Prince William Sound,*

*I know a thing or two*

*about evading responsibility.*

*Just find a scapegoat to blame it on.*

*The number two man in the company*

*or a relative.*

*Perhaps a son-in-law.*

*A simpleton to blame things on.*

Ow!

Ah!

There's some kind of force field.

Ah! Ah!

Daddy, you are not

blaming this on Peter.

Some other options are a donation

and a photo op at an orphanage.

Or building a Holocaust memorial.

Ugh, haven't those n\*zi

been praised enough?

Hello, hello.

Welcome to Our Lady

of the Immaculate Anus.

I think that word is "Agnes."

Oh, no.

That's the only reason

I volunteered here.

I need a photo with an orphan.

Are you in charge?

Oh, no, I just volunteers on weekends.

I love kids, and I'm an expert at going,

"Tsk, tsk, tsk."

Uh, that one looks the least filthy.

Okay, let's get a picture

so I can get out of here.

I bet you're only here

'cause you did something bad

and think a photo with an orphan

will fix it.

Well, duh.

Then if you want a photo,

you have to buy me candy.

I'm not buying you candy. Go to hell.

There's plenty of other CEOs who will.

And Andrew Cuomo.

Who wants to see my nipple rings?

Now bring that face over here

for an unwanted smooch.

Okay, fine. We'll go across

the street to Rexall's

and get some menthol jellies.

You like menthol jellies?

Oh, what am I saying?

Every kid loves menthol jellies.

What's going on?

Do you have Parkinson's?

No, I'm skipping.

Skipping? Never heard of it.

Hey, how many of these orphans

are really just

adult little people hiding from the law?

Just the ones in large bonnets

smoking cigars.

My people groped Judy Garland

something awful.

Look it up.

Kind of a dick move

to open a candy store

across the street from an orphanage.

Sorry, we have to hold an adult's hand

when we cross the street.

No, it's fine.

I just can't remember the last time

someone held my hand.

It's kind of nice.

So, what happened to your parents?

They left me on

the orphanage steps as a baby.

That should be funny to me,

but for some reason, it's not.

Well, thank you for the candy.

I actually enjoyed it.

You're good company.

♪ ♪

You know, this is a crazy thought,

but you're crammed in this filthy place

while I've got a gigantic house.

Why don't you come live with me?

- Really?

- Yeah. I could buy you.

- You mean adopt?

- Oh, whatever they call it.

It'll be nice to have you around.

Why, we'll make a better team

than the Brooks Brothers.

Hey, I can make boxy suits.

And I only know lacrosse guys.

*ANNOUNCER: Brooks Brothers:*

*look sharp at your sexual as\*ault trial.*

What do you say?

Want to come live with us?

Well, I've never had a parent to tell me

not to go home with strangers, so sure.

Great, why don't you go wait in the car.

I'm just gonna get a receipt

in case we get home

and you have a clubfoot or something.

- I don't.

- Uh, yeah,

I'll-I'll probably

just grab the receipt.

♪ ♪

*For our top story tonight,*

*we go to the statehouse*

*with Uncomfortable Audio Delay Gina.*

*Gina?*

- We seem to be having a prob...

- That's right, Tom.

I just found out

my father adopted a little girl.

- Carter?

- Yeah, if he wanted a little girl,

we could've just given him Stewie.

Whoa! And good morning to you, too, Pop.

I just don't get it.

I mean, Daddy's never taken

an interest in kids.

Can anyone say "tax deduction"?

(SLURPING)

Yeah, you proud of that?

You proud of your comment, Brian?

Taking aim at hypocrisy?

Exposing the underbelly of human nature?

- Uhp, I said "belly."

- BRIAN: Belly?!

Ugh, fine.

- (PANTING)

- There we go, kick the leg.

That's how I know

you're having a good time.

I just don't get it.

I was raised by our nanny.

I mean, Daddy didn't even

learn my name until I was eight.

Well, what was it?

- Lois.

- Oh.

Every birthday, I begged him

to take me to the zoo,

and Mother made him take me.

*But it was the ' s.*

*Daddy was always too busy making*

*giant cell phone deals on the beach.*

- (KNOCKING)

- Not now, Lois.

What about the zoo?

I'll take you to the trading floor

on Wall Street instead.

Now, that's a zoo.

Ah, the guy, the guy

on the other end is laughing.

*LOIS: We never made it to the zoo.*

My God, that poor little girl

needs help.

Check it out. Brian's got

a belly rub erection.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, precious. Precious moments.

Welcome, everyone.

Oh, Mother, I came as soon as I heard.

Now, where is the little girl?

Is she okay?

Oh, she's fine.

She and Carter are

painting each other's nails.

What? He never did that with me.

Your nails are already yellow.

Yeah, the toes are the first to die.

Just add some blue;

it'll make it a nice green.

We're out of blue.

Well, then just slap

some googly eyes on them

and we've got ten little Minions.

I like Minions.

Not sexually.

I realize bringing that up

suggests otherwise.

Now you say something.

I'm not calling you my aunt, by the way,

so get that out of your head.

Well, I'm sure this will all end

as soon as Daddy gets a business call.

There's a Mr. Important on the line.

Tell him he'll have to wait.

(GASPS) What?

Well, Daddy would always

take business calls

when I would play with him.

(CLEARS THROAT)

It's Mr. Important from the, uh...

"massage place."

Oh. Of course I'll take it.

You got to say that part.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Harry Potter

and the Phone Call of Awkwardness.

Yeah, Hermione?

Hey, it's me, Harry.

Um, remember that time I, um...

I caught your snitch?

Yeah, well, you may want

to have your chamber of secrets checked

because, um, it's possible

I may have given you Hogwarts.

As you know, I insist my children

are always taken care of financially.

So, Tatum, I'm giving you

this American Express card.

But what about me, Daddy?

I-I'm your daughter, too.

Don't think for a moment

I forgot about you, Lois.

I'm giving you this

Native American Express card.

- Why?

- I think you mean "how."

That's offensive.

I laughed.

- (LIGHT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

- Care to dance?

Sure.

Boy, you're a great dancer.

Mind if I cut in?

Mind if I cut one?

- (FARTS)

- Uhp, too late.

All right, I got to go take

a not-wetting-the-hair shower.

ANNOUNCER: We now return

to house hunters: Australia.

*So I carve boomerangs, and*

*me wife is an -inch spider.*

*Our budget is $ million.*

*We're looking for something*

*close to the city center*

*but with enough natural light*

*so that we can maintain our sunburns.*

*And just look at these*

*spacious walk-in closets.*

*Crikey, I might have to buy*

*a second shirt.*

Lois, there you are.

Don't you want to hang out

with the family?

Oh, (CHUCKLES) I just needed

to get some air.

Look, I know your father

wasn't there for you growing up,

and it hurt,

but you overcame that.

You're the glue

that holds this family together.

Ah, thanks, Brian. I guess you're right.

CARTER: Listen up! Everyone in the van!

We're taking Tatum to the zoo!

The zoo?

The zoo?

What-what, are we returning Chris?

(KNOCKING)

Hey, Meg, did you hear

we're going to the zoo?

What, are-are we returning Chris?

(KNOCKING)

Hey, Chris, we're going to the zoo.

- What, are we returning Chr...

- (SLAPS)

CHRIS: Keep my name

out your (BLEEP) mouth!

PETER: Wow, dude, it was a zoo joke.

CHRIS: Keep my name

out your (BLEEP) mouth!

Just a heads-up: I have an itinerary

that we have to stick to

or I'll get really angry.

Everyone loves a guy like me.

All right, let's go.

How is it always degrees

hotter here than anywhere else?

Mom, are you okay?

Oh, of course I'm okay.

Why wouldn't I be okay?

I'm at the zoo!

After years of asking Daddy

to take me to the zoo, here I am!

What else do you want, honey? Huh?

My clothes? My car?

You want to screw my husband?

I wouldn't. I hear that husband of hers

ain't hitting the mark,

if you catch my drift.

Lois, will you take

this little one to the bathroom?

Fine.

We'll wait here for you

while I read this sign out loud.

"No flash photography."

Huh, I guess that means

no photos with flashes,

if I'm reading this right.

Interesting. Is there anyone

who hasn't read this sign?

I can summarize it for you.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

So unfair.

Ugh, I look like Ron Weasley.

I'm now a real estate broker

in Winnersh.

(DOOR CREAKS)

Tatum?

Tatum?

WOMAN: Could you be

quiet? I'm trying to wipe myself

with the thinnest toilet paper

known to humankind.

Why does that require silence?

Tatum?!

Oh, hey, Lois. What's wrong?

Peter, you got to help me. I lost Tatum!

Uh, we went into the bathroom,

but now she's gone!

Well, if this isn't an excuse

to climb a giraffe's neck,

I don't know what is.

You see her?

No, but do you see

those hippos doing it?

Giraffe!

♪ ♪

There you are, Lois.

I bought Tatum this stuffed penguin

that didn't require

washing blood and semen off it

like the one you found for Stewie.

- Wha-what?

- Whaa?

Uh, Daddy, I-I sort of lost Tatum.

- You what?!

- I swear it was an accident.

Don't worry, Lois.

We'll split up and look for her.

On it. (GRUNTS)

Damn it, Chris! Now that's

gonna be in our Fox promo.

- Sorry, Dad.

- Sorry, Dad.

*ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Fox:*

*Chris Griffin meets... Chris Griffin?*

Aw, there it goes.

Sorry.

Hey, you looking for that kid?

Grab those keys and come in here

and I'll tell you where she is.

Ha. Nice try.

I see that other wolf

hiding behind the rock.

Come on. Hey, you like scotch?

I got a -year Macallan

in here. Let's have a drink.

How does a wolf get a -year Macallan?

It was a gift from a friend.

Pretty good friend.

- Hey, what do you do?

- I'm a writer.

- Wait a minute. What's your name?

- Brian Griffin.

Brian Griffin? I knew I recognized you.

I read your book.

You read *Faster Than the Speed of Love?*

I sure did, and thanks

for saying the title.

Well, maybe I will come in

for a Macallan.

♪ ♪

He didn't read my book.

So I said,

"What, are we returning Chris?"

Chris is my son.

All right, too smart for the room.

What else? What else?

Uh, you know, I hear the elephants

are asking for a raise.

Yeah, they're tired

of working for peanuts.

Why aren't you guys laughing?

Our hyena president was sh\*t.

I know it's not a big deal

in the human world,

but it mattered to us.

But please continue.

We want to feel normal.

Any sign of Tatum?

- No.

- What's going on over there?

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

♪ ♪

Oh, my God! Tatum's in the gorilla pit!

Oh, no. (YAWNS)

Sorry, that was a bad time to yawn.

♪ ♪

Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker,

live on the scene at Newport Zoo,

where a young girl

has fallen into the gorilla pit.

The zoo wrangler,

or a man in khaki shorts

I can only assume is an expert,

is now being lowered into

the pit to rescue the child.

- (GORILLAS SNARLING)

- (MAN SCREAMING)

And is now being ripped limb from limb.

- (SCREAMING STOPS)

- Uhp, hang on.

He appears to be okay

and is now exiting the pit.

Nope, correction, that's just his face.

A gorilla has ripped it off

and is wearing it

and is now walking out of the park.

Say, could you direct me

to your town's banana district?

♪ ♪

Somebody, please! Save her!

Lois, what the hell are you doing?

I have to, Brian.

This is all my fault.

(GRUNTS)

(ROARING)

- (GRUNTS)

- (PEOPLE GASP)

- Lois!

- Mom!

Wow, from this angle,

you can really see Lois's roots.

(GORILLAS GROWLING)

Nice gorillas.

I'm a big fan of your glue.

They do make good glue.

My God, I can't watch.

Look, a baby gorilla

who can't stop sneezing.

(SNEEZING)

ALL: Aw.

(GROWLING)

Peter, what do I do?!

Tell them about your dream!

What? They can't understand me!

Doesn't matter.

It's all tone and body language.

Trust me, they'll know

they don't want to be there.

Well, uh, it's interesting

you should say that

'cause I did have a particularly

weird dream last night.

Tell them how you were in our house

but it was somehow different

than our regular house.

Well, we were in our house,

except the laundry machine

was in our kitchen,

if you can believe it.

And it wasn't like

our normal laundry machine.

- It was more like our refrigerator.

- PETER: Yeah, run with that.

Oh, and Bonnie's brother

was there, too, for some reason,

which is totally random

'cause I haven't seen him

in, like, oh, my God, seven years.

But, you know, I did see

a Facebook post of him

from, like, a month ago,

so maybe that had something

to do with it.

Let's just go.

No. I want to hear how this ends,

then tell her my dream.

Anyway, I was doing the wash,

and smoke was coming out the machine,

but it was more like a fog than a smoke.

Lois!

♪ ♪

Thanks for saving my life.

Well, it was kind of my fault

you were there in the first place.

I hope you can forgive me.

I always wanted a big sister.

♪ ♪

How dumb do you have to be

to walk into a gorilla pit, eh, Brian?

Brian?

So, you've all read my book?

♪ ♪

They had read my book;

they just didn't like it.

And, Daddy, I'm so sorry

for the way I acted.

I guess I was just jealous

of all the attention

you were giving Tatum

and afraid that she'd taken

my place as your daughter.

Lois, the reason I've been

giving Tatum so much attention

is because I know

how badly I screwed up with you.

I was never there, and it's

the biggest regret of my life.

I'd give anything to go back

and have a second chance

to be a better father to you.

Unfortunately,

Tatum's as close as I'll get.

Well, I'm sorry

I became a bit of a monster.

I was just jealous.

Trust me, that was nothing.

When you were born, Babs was so jealous

of the attention you got,

she used to put your head

in the oven and try to cook you.

- Did I never tell you that?

- What? No.

That's... that's kind of disturbing.

Yeah, well, that's the Pewterschmidts.

♪ The Pewterschmidts ♪

♪ We had three other kids

who did not live ♪

♪ Ba ba da ba. ♪

♪ ♪

Look at this, all of us

eating together as a family.

This is the closeness

we missed with Lois.

What?

I said this is the closeness

we missed with Lois!

- Tatum, how's your applesauce?

- What?

This isn't working. You have to leave.

- What's happening?

- They can't hear each other.

Ha. Big table.