Lovers By Fate (Transcript)

This is the official page for *Lovers by Fate.* If you are looking for information about *LBF,* go to Lovers by Fate (overview)

## Chapter 1 - Arguments About The Legitimacy of THE Word

"THE IS A WORD, DUMBASS!”

"No it's NOT!" I'Vell screamed. The dodo sitting across from him gave him a disapproving look.

"If THE is in the DICTIONARY… why is a 'not-word' in the DICTIONARY???" Orville the dodo reasoned.

"The dictionary is a lie," I'Vell retorted, his voice a knife… a really dull one, since his argument was very bad. "I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THE DICTIONARY. We've all been fed this lie by… by the government… and—"

"Dude."

I'Vell looked up at Orville, his mouth half-open as his brilliant argument died on his tongue. Half of the room stared at the two arguing people. "You can just tell me that you're wrong," Orville said. His tone had gone from harsh yelling to something soft and sweet, a gentle voice that made you feel comfortable… a voice that I'Vell admired so dearly. "It's okay. No one will be mad."

"Okay, you need to *stop,*" I'Vell said, fighting back the smile that threatened to take control of his face.

*"JUST SAY IT,"* Elleda called from across the room, pointing a banana in I'Vell's direction. It was a completely non-threatening gesture, but then again, Elleda was a completely non-threatening furry, so everything made sense. *"THE… is… a… word."*

"Words are subjective though," Jas piped up from behind the blue-haired student. "The dictionary— the dictionary recognises it as a word, but no one person can determine exactly what counts as a word. But yes, in this context, the is a word."

I'Vell struggled to find something to say. "AAA," he yelled as his brain failed to produce English.

Orville brushed I'Vell's arm with his wing. It was such a wonderful sensation, Orville's fluffy dodo feathers against I'Vell's skin. "It's okay to admit your mistakes. It's a part of life. I've made hundreds of mistakes, I'Vell, and I'll still love you no matter how many you make."

"What kind of love?" I'Vell said cautiously. "Like… platonic?" He felt his heart pound like a little drumbeat, desperately awaiting the dodo's answer.

Orville stayed silent, glancing over across the room, but his lack of words said more than a thousand could have. I'Vell blushed and looked away. He fidgeted with his fingers, weaving them through each other as he thought.

"Okay…" he said. "The…. is… AH." Elleda and Jas glanced at him expectantly. Orville looked at him patiently and leaned closer.

"It's okay," he said.

"The… is… ASDFGHJKL… Ok I physically *can't* say it," I'Vell cried. "No actually I physically can't bring myself to say that the is a AAA."

“loser." said Velen, glancing up from their furious gaze at Project Sekai. "Just say that the is a word."

“We’ll help you if it’s too hard for your wittle brain.” Jas said, managing to keep a straight face despite not being straight.

"A" said I'Vell in response to all of the chatter. He glanced around, stressed, but his eyes eventually returned to Orville's calm, sexy gayze no matter how hard he tried to pull them away. Orville's eyes were like a magnet… Orville's eyes were the true magnet in Arts and Communication *Magnet* Academy, I'vell thought dreamily.

"Okay," I'Vell said, taking a deep breath. He closed his eyes. "The…" It was too hard. The entire world was imploding, crushing him.

"Is…" The others looked at him, filling him with pressure as he tried to force the words out of his mouth. He sighed and continued.

“A…” It was too much. He couldn't do this. *He could not do this.* He was about to betray his entire life, his entire worldview, for a Hatsune Miku simp, a literal flower, a Project Sekai player, and a hot dodo. He inhaled deeply.

He opened his mouth, but the word "word" fell flat on his tongue. He stared at Orville, hoping that his eyes screamed "help me please" but of course they didn't, since eyes don't talk.

“Wo-” He managed to start, but he only got halfway through the word before he was interrupted.

*“YES YES, GIVE ME YOUR BELLS, HM?”* The door slammed open with a crash against the supplies shelf, shaking the entirety of Mr Brandau's art classroom. The noise ringed in I'Vell's ears and he winced. Jas clapped their hands over their ears, and Elleda cringed. Velen didn't do anything because they were too busy playing a stressful song on Project Sekai.

He turned around, and almost fell off of his stool. The raccoon standing in the doorway was *gorgeous—* almost too gorgeous for words to describe. I'Vell gasped, and his jaw dropped as an angelic chorus sang in the background. Did he just die? Had he been pulled from this depressing world and plunged into a Heaven of Talking Raccoon Capitalists™?

"Is that—" Elleda's trembling voice pulled I'Vell from his talking raccoon capitalist heaven. "Is that actual— oh my gods is that actual curse-wording Tom Nook?" She buried their face in their hands. Was she giggling or sobbing? No one knew.

"Oh my gods," Jasmyn said. “I don’t care.”

Velen looked up at the raccoon. "Oh my god it's Tom Nook!" they called. "I'Vell, it's Tom Nook!"

"You love Tom Nook!" Elleda called, their voice muffled by their hands.

The world was silent, a thousand eyes on I'Vell, waiting expectantly. Waiting for him to say something in response to the anthropomorphic raccoon who had snuck into the school, barged into the classroom, and demanded a currency that no one carried because this was America, not Animal Crossing.

I'Vell stared at Orville anxiously, and then turned to Tom Nook and stared at him. He looked back and forth between the dodo and the raccoon. He struggled for words as his brain scrambled to decide who was hotter.

Orville stared in jealousy and horror as the silky-furred capitalist walked closer to I’Vell.

“I hate this.” I’Vell said, knowing he wasn’t telling the full truth. He did hate this, sure. He hated that Orville and Tom Nook were here, taunting him with their sexiness while he was too embarrassed, too afraid to respond. But at the same time, he didn’t want to look away from either of their mesmerizing gazes.

He was torn.

Luckily, Jasmyn saved him from having to say any more.

"Howdy, Mr. Nook Thompson! What are you doing here?” Their expression had shifted, looking cheerful but mildly unnerving.

"I'm deeply confused," said Tom Nook, deeply confused. Orville leaned over and looked at him.

“Get out of here before I throw a hotdog at you.” Orville said. I’Vell was confused at his aggression, but internally wondered if Orville was Sans. It was possible. Maybe Orville was trying to give Tom Nook a bad time.

But why???

Why, why did the two people I'Vell loved most have such hatred for each other? His entire world had been shattered in the span of a single art class… and it was an ‘Obama’ art class too.

He placed his head in his hands as Orville pulled a hotdog from his pocket. He pointed it threateningly at Tom Nook, holding it like a gun. I'Vell stared at the scene in distress. How had his Thursday afternoon been turned into a hotdog gun fight between two Animal Crossing characters? How do they both still look so hot?

“Why do you even have a hotdog? This is an art class.” Jasmyn asked sensibly.

"Probably 'cause of Animal Crossing logic," Elleda offered. "That's more of the how, though."

“...It was because of my dream.” Orville responded.

## Chapter 2 - Turtle

“Your dream?” I’Vell raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Do you know what I wanted to do?” Orville asked, sighing heavily and staring at his palette. “For…  for at least a few years, before I took up jogging in a tracksuit-  I wanted to be a hotdog rabbit.” Everyone, even Tom Nook, stared at the dodo in complete and utter bewilderment. “To eat nothing but hotdogs until I’d destroyed my digestive system in *glorious* opulence."

Orville, the Greatest Person Alive, beautiful bird that he was, blushed in shame.

“I wanted to eat nothing but hotdogs. I had to do it for years until I realized I’d become a… I…   I was too weak, I’d become a person who could eat nothing but hotdogs-  I couldn’t-  I couldn’t breathe.”

I'Vell struggled for words. He opened his mouth to say his iconic "A…" but nothing came out.

"What the frick bro?" Velen said, their voice confused. They had even put down their Project Sekai to listen to Orville's weird (under)tale of woe.

“Yes yes, very nice, but this doesn’t give me your Bells, hm?” Tom Nook piped up, his voice demanding and seductive at the same time. I’Vell felt his face getting warm, and he hoped desperately that he was just as hot outside as he was inside.

“None of us have Bells-  do you accept friendliness pellets as a form of payment?” Jasmyn asked innocently uwu. Beside them, Elleda made a face of both joy and pain. I’Vell stared at the ✨𝓬𝓻𝓾𝓷𝓬𝓱𝔂✨ raccoon, waiting for his response.

“Yes yes, I don’t know what those are.” Tom Nook replied.

“They’re not a form of currency.” Elleda interjected quickly, desperately trying to save Tom Nook from imminent death. “Actually, they’re-”

“Very valuable, really.” Jas cut in. “You can sell them for a lot of money.”

“Really, hm?” Tom Nook said, looking at Jasmyn, then Elleda, then Jasmyn again.

“Help me, I don’t have *anything.”* I’Vell said depressedly. He wanted to impress the raccoon so badly, *so badly.* He didn’t know what he’d do without such infinite sexiness in his life. He could offer Tom Nook his gift cards… his many many gift cards…

He was about to pull the wallet from his backpack when suddenly, an idea came to him. It was a horrible, horrible idea… but maybe…

“But maybe I can pay you in… *other* ways.” I’Vell replied, his voice seductive- at least he hoped.

“NO NO NO WE ARE NOT DOING THIS.” Jasmyn said. “Unless you want me to give ***you*** the friendliness pellets.”

I’Vell opened his mouth to speak to Tom Nook when the door slammed opened for the second time in eight minutes. A human boy in a green turtleneck walked in casually.

"Fuck he's not hot," I'Vell growled under his breath. He didn't know why he'd been hoping for someone hot… especially since he was so confused about the hotness of Tom Nook and Orville.

"Hey," said the unhot human.

“Howdy!” Jasmyn said back, and then paused, shifting.

I'Vell stared at the unhot human depressedly. He decided that the unhot human was too unhot for his eyes so he looked over at Orville's hotness. And Tom Nook's hotness.

"OH my GODS it's TURTLE from the NUMBER ONE NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING BOOK SERIES WINGS OF FIRE by TUI T SUTHERLAND—"

I'Vell looked at Elleda, who appeared to be distressed. He followed Elleda's gaze to the… the green SeaWing standing in the doorway. The unhot human was nowhere to be seen. Could… could the unhot human have been… Turtle?

"Oh wait he's hot now," I'Vell said, dumbfounded by Turtle's sudden hotness. "Oh, *baby,* he's hot now." He began to blush uncontrollably, like Amity from The Owl House.

"Yes yes, WHAT THE FRICK IS GOING ON, hm?" said Tom Nook, also dumbfounded by Turtle's hotness. Was Turtle hotter than Tom Nook?

Could either of them possibly be hotter than Orville?

I'Vell didn't understand. How had three of his different crushes appeared in Mr. Brandau's art classroom?

"I'Vell?" Orville asked quietly, whispering to I'Vell with an anxious yet sexy voice. "What's going on? Who is that?"

"Does anyone have a chromebook charger?" Turtle asked quietly. He fiddled anxiously with his claws, tapping them on the cement floor. "My chromebook is dead, and, uh, I need to use my chromebook for class.”

"Why are you in here for a chromebook charger?" Mr. Brandau asked sanely, glancing up from his Macbook. "Doesn't your class have one?"

"I think I have one," said I'Vell before Turtle could answer. He wanted to help Turtle. Turtle was just *so hot* that he had to help. He couldn't *live* with himself if he didn't help. He just couldn't.

"Thank you," Turtle said with a sweet smile.

I’Vell pulled open his backpack as Orville and Tom Nook stared in jealousy. He picked it up, sorting through papers and notebooks…   and found no chromebook charger.

This couldn't be happening.

This *could not be happening.*

“FUck, it’s not there.” He paused to think. He did clearly remember putting it in his backpack today, which meant someone must have stolen it. Unless he was thinking of yesterday. He might have been at this point, all the hot animals were taking over his brain and making it impossible to think straight. D*oes anyone else have a charger?* He wondered. They *had* to. He wasn’t willing to accept that this beautiful, kind, handsome dragon would leave the classroom with no way to charge his chromenook.

“Oh, that’s okay. I’ll ask someone else.” Turtle turned to walk away. I'Vell felt a sinking, depressed feeling in his soul— but not like his normal depression, which he was used to. This was a different kind of depressed. This was like… like his entire body was imploding. Like the entire world was crushing him the further away the dragon grew. Even though Turtle had only technically moved two feet.

“Elleda? Do you have a charger?” Jasmyn asked, turning towards the blue-haired eighth grader. “I don’t, for the record. My chromebook never runs out of charge, so there’s never a reason to.”

"I don't usually bring a charger," Elleda replied. "I just try to charge it at home." She looked back over at Turtle. "Turtle, can't you just enchant your chromebook to… like… be charged?"

Turtle looked at Elleda for several moments, and I'Vell combed his memory for any instance of Turtle losing his animus magic, which, didn't that happen? It happened, didn't it? At the end of Talons of Power. I'Vell distinctly remembered sobbing for several hours after closing Talons of Power for the last time.

"You're right," Turtle said finally. “I probably could. Thank you so much.”

I'Vell felt his cheeks grow hot in rage and sadness as he watched any chances he had with Turtle slip away. For a few short seconds, he *despised* Elleda. He hated them *so much.*

“But wasn’t animus magic removed during the third arc?” Jas replied, needing a reason to make this class even more chaotic. I’Vell let out a sigh of relief and gratitude.

"Oh right, Jerboa," Elleda recalled.

"Literally how did you forget that?" I'Vell shouted.

*"I DON'T KNOW!"* Elleda replied. "I'm… so stupid. I failed Wings of Fire."

“Um…   should I ask someone else?” Turtle said, his tone awkward.

“Yes, you probably should.” Orville replied forcefully, brandishing his hotdog. Turtle looked at the hotdog in confusion.

“He wanted to be a hotdog rabbit.” Jasmyn offered, which didn’t actually explain anything.

“I’m definitely gonna go.” Turtle took a step backwards, not noticing how I’Vell’s face fell.

"heya," said Sans, who was just here now.

Everyone was confused.

"This doesn't make any more sense than anything else that’s happened this class," Jas pointed out.

"It was an Obama class too," Elleda lamented.

I'Vell blinked, and the skeleton was gone. "What the f—" I'Vell turned toward the doorway, hoping to see Turtle… but he was gone. Gone, out into the hallway, probably to ask Ms Metz or Ms Thackray for a charger.

Gone, into the void.

Gone from I'Vell's life.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he wailed.

"Hang on," Velen said. "Lemme finish this song and then I can talk. Dang it, I missed one."

Elleda ran over to him. She extended her arms and violently began hugging I'Vell.

I'Vell *hated* hugs.

Except for hugs from Elleda… those he usually needed, even if he pretended not to. It was so sweet, so comforting, the way the blue-haired eighth grader would violently squeeze the depression out of him. It also squeezed the life out of him, but that was okay.

"I'Vell," Orville said. His tone was gentle, caring… loving in a way that Tom Nook's tone could never be. The dodo stepped out of his chair and got close to I'Vell. "It's okay," he said, wrapping his wings around the two hugging furries.

I'Vell knew that he wasn't supposed to notice, but Orville suddenly shot a cold glare at the raccoon.

The raccoon returned the glare and lashed his tail.

I'Vell was sad. He was sad that Turtle was gone. He was sad that Orville and Tom Nook hated each other. He was sad that he couldn't pick which one was hotter.

It was too much. The sadness, the crushing depression— it was all too much.

Why him?

Why I'Vell?

He stared at the door longingly, hoping that the answer to all of his problems would march in the classroom, just like his problems did, and fix everything.

## Chapter 3 - America

"HELLO LOYAL AMERICANS!!!" The door slammed open— *again*, I'vell might add— and *the entire gosh darn United States of America* marched into the classroom. "I AM THE ENTIRE GOSH DARN UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! I come with ALL of the answers to ALL of your problems! Also freedom, liberty, justice, and white men!"

*Oh.*

*I'Vell's.*

*God.*

I'Vell's jaw dropped as the shining country marched into the classroom sexily. The country was so sexy… *So… sexy…*  I’Vell thought. Everything about the country was sexy. Everything, right down to the strangely cowboy accent. “A- America…” I’vell whispered, trying to hide the blush that was rapidly growing, spreading even further across his face then it had been before. He wasn't a huge fan of the COVID face masks, but he kind of wanted to rip the mask off of Elleda's face and put it on to hide his grin.

“Oh my gosh, please fuck off already.” Jas sighed, breathing out. “We already have Orville, Tom Nook, and Turtle. Give I’Vell a moment to process things before barging in and bungling his brain ever further.” They paused. “Then again, I suppose it’s not my problem if his brain’s bungled. Still though.”

I’Vell grimaced. Orville glared angrily at Jasmyn.

*“Well,* if it’s not your problem, then it sounds as if you’re not a very good friend!” he growled, or tried to-  birds weren’t naturally suited for growling, so he had to settle for an aggressive-sounding squeaking. It was close enough, anyways.

“Golly, you’re right! Someone who *cared* about I’Vell would actually try to *do* something about it! ***So why are YOU sitting there doing nothing?”*** Jasmyn replied, their voice harsh.

“Well, I-  I’m *trying!* But this *raccoon* won’t LEAVE US ALONE.” Orville turned to shoot yet another glare at Tom Nook. I’Vell buried his head in his hands, wishing that everyone would just *stop* arguing. Especially the hot people.

“Well then, you need to give me your bells, hm?” Tom Nook replied, his gorgeous sea-blue eyes betraying no anger. “Yes yes, that would get me to leave.”

Orville wished he hadn’t spent all of his bells on hotdogs.

“Is that CAPITALISM I hear?” The Entire Gosh Darn United States Of America cut in, stealing the focus as per usual.

"Yes yes," Tom Nook said, "I don't consider it *capitalism.* More… an economic system in which investment in and ownership of the means of production, distribution, and exchange of wealth is made and maintained chiefly by me, a private individual and head of a corporation."

"That—" Elleda looked at Tom Nook. "That's the *dictionary definition* of capitalism."

"I think you're mistaken," Tom Nook said matter-of-factly.

"Oh my gods Tom Nook just talked to me" Elleda whispered, their eyes wide. They leaned on Jas.

"And I'Vell's the one with the crush?" Velen said, grinning.

"A *crush* and an *obsession* are different," Elleda responded.

"Oh my God," The United States of America said, their Southern accent sounding extra cowboy-like. "That's… exactly how I feel, especially as someone with a lot of corporations and private individuals." The country's red-and-blue eyes glittered with little starry lights as he stared into Tom Nook's eyes. I'Vell felt a pang of… jealousy. *HE* wanted to be the subject of that stare. The United States of America's eyes were so… so, so hot.

"Yes yes, I assume that means you do, indeed, have the money you owe me and will pay it right now, hm?" Tom Nook narrowed his eyes at the country.

The United States of America's gaze turned dark.

"Hmm, let me think about that," said America mockingly. "Yeah. *No."*

"Excuse me?" growled Tom Nook. Luckily, raccoons were capable of growling, so the effect was much more menacing.

"Yeah," America said, tilting his head. His face furrowed into an expression of fake thinking. "I'm not gonna give a raccoon furry some kid's game money."

*How **dare** the United States of America speak against furries in this way? He didn't even use the word right. Animal Crossing characters were **not** furries, they were **anthropomorphic animals,** which was very different.* "Okay," I'Vell began threateningly, "you need to—"

"I am *not* a furry," Tom Nook yelled, "and Bells are *not* a kid's game money. They are a very well-known and well-respected currency from—"

"Animal Crossing," America interjected.

*"Not* 'Animal Crossing,'" argued the raccoon. "I don't even know what 'Animal Crossing' is."

“Ask Elleda.” Jasmyn replied, their gaze holding an odd sort of hostility towards the gorgeous raccoon.

Elleda opened their mouth to tell Tom Nook that Animal Crossing was an awesome video game with cute anthropomorphic animals and also raccoons and sometimes debt, but The Entire Gosh Darn United States of America cut her off, like the Entire Gosh Darn United States of America often did.

"HA!" America let out a loud laugh. “You know, Animal Crossing is originally from JAPAN, which is NOT AMERICA. Therefore, it is trash.”

Tom Nook just stared at the country with a deeply befuddled look written on his perfect facial features. His eyes shone with confusion. Elleda just looked mildly hurt, but I'Vell didn't notice because Elleda's face wasn't gorgeous like Tom Nook's. Which, fair. Tom Nook does have a very gorgeous face.

“Okay, you guys need to STOP.” I’Vell shouted, interrupting the two handsome-looking men. “I’m tired of this arguing.” He hadn’t said everything. He couldn’t say how he really felt, how it tore him apart inside to see such sexy capitalists argue like this.

But he’d said enough. Everyone turned to look at him, and he shrunk under their collective alluring gaze.

Besides Velen. Velen was still playing Project Sekai.

“It’s okay, I’Vell. We understand.” Orville replied, trying to calm I’Vell down. “It’s okay.” I’Vell felt like he would die from facial overheating. “It happens to the best of us.”

“Not that anyone here is ‘the best of us.’” Jasmyn quipped. “Now, you could make an argument for this table being the *worst* of us, although I guess Elleda is okay.”

"Awww, yay," Elleda said innocently.

“EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?!??1/?!?!?1/?!/1/?!/1” The Entire Gosh Darn United States Of America said, sounding deeply offended. “I am ABSOLUTELY the best of us! How dare you insinuate otherwise, you unpatriotic child!”

“Technically, I’m not currently one of your citizens, so ‘unpatriotic’ probably isn’t the right word. Of course, it is subjective, everything’s at least somewhat subjective.” Jasmyn paused. “Most things are entirely subjective.”

“Well, why in the world *aren’t* you an American?” The country replied. “America is the greatest country on earth. Which is flat, by the way.”

"THE EARTH IS NOT FLAT AND THERE IS SCIENTIFIC—" Elleda yelled. They cut themself off. "The earth is not flat. Gods," they muttered, "humans are just getting *stupider* and *stupider."*

“I thought it was shaped like a dinosaur.” I’Vell replied. *I’ll take your word for it, though, America, if only because you’re sexy.*

“Neeeeeeeeeevermind, I’m getting out of here.” Jasmyn replied, regretting everything. “And for the record, I’m not going to explain why I’m not American, because then I’d have to explain mindshifting and I’m too lazy for that.” They stared at the ground. “ACtually, maybe I should just demonstrate it-” Their words ended abruptly, as if something had cut them off.

Their facial expression had visibly shifted. There was now something *different* to them-   a different tilt of their head, a different movement of their feet, a different glimmer in their eyes.

It was as if they weren’t even Jasmyn at all.

"Very nice," Tom Nook said. "Yes yes, does this mean you can give me your Bells now?"

"Or dollars?" America cut in, shoving in front of Tom Nook to get closer to Jas. "Actual real money? Bucks? Green? Buck-a-roos?"

Oh God, I'Vell thought. Oh God. Why was he Oh Godding? He wasn't entirely sure. Maybe it was because the raccoon and the country both looked so attractive when they were angry… even though it hurt his heart to see them so upset.

"Bells?"

"Dollars."

"BELLS.

I'Vell looked back and forth between the two. They had been staring at Jas, but they had now turned to glare at each other.

"DOLLARS!"

"BELLS."

"[[Kromer]]!" A new voice chimed in.

## Chapter 4 - Spamton???

"[[Kromer]]!" The voice speaking was Jas’s, but at the same time it wasn’t.

“‘Kromer’? The hell is that?” America asked, raising a patriotic eyebrow. “Sounds foreign.”

“...Jasmyn?” Orville asked, perplexed. “Is that you?”

“NO, IT’S EV3RY  BUDDY  'S FAVORITE [[Number 1 Rated Salesman1997]], SPAMTON G. SPAMTON!!” They answered, their (his?) voice managing to sound glitchy and digital despite presumably being a normal human child. Or in the body of one, at the very least.

“Ohhhhh no.” I’Vell dragged a hand down his face, wishing he could just get back to looking at the hot people in the room.

“OHHHH YES!” Spamton-in-Jasmyn’s-body replied.

“Wait, but that’s Mettaton’s line-” Elleda said, but got cut off by America, who by this point could probably win an award for cutting people off and stealing their spotlight.

“I don’t care. Answer my question, you FOREIGN LUNATIC.” The Entire Gosh Darn United States Of America sounded seriously pissed, but I’Vell still found his voice oddly appealing.

“OR WHAT ? YOu’LL [[Police Brutality]] ME?” Spamton said.

“Yes yes, this still doesn’t get me my Bells, hm?” Tom Nook said, then turned to look at Spamton. “Do you happen to have Bells?” he asked, despite knowing that Jasmyn had no Bells and therefore Spamton logically wouldn’t have them either, being in Jasmyn’s body and all.

“WHAT THE [[Parental Advisory Explicit Content]] ARE BELLS??/?”

“A *fake* currency created in somewhere NOT America.” The USA replied. “In short, something worthless.”

*“You’re* worthless, hm?” Tom Nook shot back. I’Vell may have been biased because of his hotness, but he thought that was a rather good comeback.

“wow, so mature.” Velen didn’t even bother to look up from the song they were playing as they spoke. It was the Cup Noodles song, and Elleda was excitedly watching over their shoulder, giggling.

“Children, calm down. You can both be worthless,” Orville said angrily. “I’m going to talk with I’Vell. *Alone.”*

Orville was going to talk to I'Vell? Alone? He could finally be alone with Orville's hotness. Maybe the dodo would un-bungle his brain.

"I'm adding that to the out-of-context," Elleda announced, pulling out her chromebook and violently typing something.

I'Vell stood up and walked to the corner of the room, next to a lone hot-glue gun that had long been abandoned on the counter. Orville followed him closely, keeping one wing on I'Vell's shoulder the whole time. The sound of arguing echoed behind them, getting progressively more and more chaotic.

"Excuse me, but that was the worst comeback I've ever heard."

"Yes yes, It was a fantastic comeback!"

"I HAVE A SPECIL [[hyperlink blocked]] FOR ALL OF YoU [[children]]"

"WE are NOT interested in your special… hyperlinks—"

"If it's special Bells then I'll accept them."

"Bells are DUMB!'

"Oh my gods no they aren't!"

It was kind of quiet over here, in the dark corner. Orville sheltered him from the cacophony, his blue wings creating a fluffy shield between I'Vell and all of the hot people. (Except for Orville himself, obviously).

"I'Vell."

I'Vell stared into Orville's sparkling eyes. He couldn't tell what emotion the dodo was feeling— anxiety? Fear? Anger at Tom Nook and America?

Anger at I'Vell?

"I have a feeling that you're the reason why a country, a dragon, and the CEO of Nook Inc. just walked into the room."

I'Vell did not know why their country, a dragon, and the CEO of Nook Inc. had just walked into the room. Today was supposed to be a normal B-day. He was supposed to be stuck with Elleda in language arts, social studies, science, and art. He was supposed to go to Obama. He was supposed to work on his acrylic painting all class while discussing Elleda's innocence, or furries, or Project Sekai, or Undertale.

None of this— none of this chaotic hotness was *supposed* to happen.

"No?" I'Vell said, unable to think of any response. "A?"

But… it was all of *his* crushes walking into the room. It was all of the people that *I'Vell* thought were hot. It wasn't Hatsune Miku, or Emu Otori. It wasn't Akito or Tartaglia or Dottore or Al Haitham or Rui or Jack In The Box or Sonic or Springtrap or KAITO or Diluc. It wasn't the Once-ler.

I'Vell thought about this.

*Was* he the reason why?

"NEITHER OF US HAVE KROMER, KID, STOP ASKING!" The noises from the other side of the classroom were growing more intense as Tom Nook, America, and Jas/Spamton became more riled up by the argument.

"Do…" Orville paused, apparently contemplating what to say next. "Do you know *why* this is happening, I'Vell?"

"No," I'Vell admitted.

Orville looked thoughtful, and his eyes glazed as he stared past I'Vell. He was silent for a long time, and I'Vell itched to run back and watch the argument unfold. He craned his neck to see beyond Orville.

"Yes yes, YOU ALL OWE ME! YOU DO! GIVE ME YOUR BELLS, HM?!" Tom Nook yelled.

"Actually, you all owe ME! You owe me taxes to fund the army! PAY UP AND BE A GOOD CITIZEN!" roared the Entire Gosh Darn United States of America.

"TRANSMIT [[kromer]]" said Spamton.

“I still don’t know what kromer even is, hm?!” Tom Nook replied angrily.

“IT’S MoNEY, YOU [[little slime]]]!!//1!?” Spamton said, his hands twitching in ways that shouldn’t logically be possible. *Jasmyn’s going to be seriously injured when they get back,* I’Vell thought.

“Yes yes, I could’ve guessed *that!”* Tom Nook replied. “There are millions of types of currency in the world, that doesn’t help, hm?” He hissed. “Come back when you’ve converted them into Bells!”

“Well, the only GOOD type of currency is the good old AMURICAN DOLLAR BILL,” America said, making cowboy noises. “Those others aren’t even worth mentioning!”

“Well, I have more money in Bells than you could ever even *dream* of in dollars- or kromer, whatever that is- so who’s *really* better off, hm?”

“YE@H RIGHT, AND## I’M [[The Prince of Nigeria]].” Spamton said, his voice crackling with skepticism.

*“Exactly,”* America said, looking down on Tom Nook. “You’re only *one person.”* He looked smug. “I’m an *entire country.* With Amazon and Nike and Apple and Google, might I add.”

“Yes yes," argued Tom Nook, "but are you the CEO of Amazon… or Apples… or whatever any of those companies are, hm?" He narrowed his eyes at America, and I'Vell blushed a little bit because it was cute when Tom Nook narrowed his eyes. "You just *have* those companies. You don't have their *money,* unlike me… the CEO of Nook Inc."

Orville finally looked back at I'Vell, and without a word he shuffled back to his seat. I'Vell followed him, because why would he want to just stand in the corner alone when there were hot people over there?

“WELL, MO$T OF THE^ TIME PE0PLE [[Pay Now With Our Online Services]]! LAST I CHEKED, I’M THE OnLY DIGIT@L ONE hHERE!” Spamton yelled, although that went without saying because that was all Spamton seemed to do.

"Just… just *stop arguing,"* Elleda begged. "Why does it matter who has the most money?" They paused for a moment, thinking. "Obviously Tom Nook has the most."

I'Vell winced at Elleda's ill-timed obsessing.

The capitalists exploded with rage. Figuratively.

"YES YES, THE GIRL IS RIGHT!"

"UNPATRIOTIC *SCUM* IS WHAT SHE *IS!!!"*

Just then, there was *another* knock at the door of the art classroom.

“...I’m going to answer the door.” I’Vell said, making a pained face. After all, he *should* answer the door, shouldn’t he? These were *his* crushes. This was *his* fault. So this was his job.

Just as he reached the door, it slammed open, smashing him into the wall.

## Chapter 5 - The Capitalist Battle

"It can be a hat! Or a bat!"

"It can be a chair, or a bow for your hair!

"Do you need it? Of course you do! You don't just NEED it- you THNEED it!"

I'Vell groaned in pain and stepped away from the wall, pushing the door closed. He blinked in confusion. Who had just walked into the classroom-?

“HOLY SH-ory explicit content]]! W@IT, WHA-” Jasmyn’s voice suddenly started rapidly glitching through a number of different characters upon seeing the person who entered the classroom, and they started-  blushing? No, that couldn’t be right. Jasmyn was aroace.

Unless…     Unless that’s…       But it wasn’t one of his crushes, so it couldn’t be…

“Is that the Onceler?????” Elleda asked.

Ohhhh no. This was not good. This would surely only worsen the situation, causing the flames of capitalist battle to rise exponentially. Also, despite what Jasmyn, Velen, and all of 2012 Tumblr thought, the Onceler was not hot.