S07E17: The Gang Fails to Read the Fine Print

## Previously on MCVFD

We are in the Fey realm of Phenomar, which appears to be an ancient forest dedicated to the Elven god of the hunt. Also in here is a Fey high court. We are here to attempt to recover the crew of the Phenomar monitoring station of the Drakeguard.

Last time we arrived at the court, met the Queen, hobnobbed around with the court, and then we learned that the crew did in fact poach but were led to believe they were invited and welcome. They were betrayed by someone we met named Biggaboat, who disappeared as soon as they shot the stag and they got arrested. We assumed this was some sort of secret, but it came out that the Queen totally knows and apparently doesn’t care.

While we were at dinner we made some headway. We met Biggaboat, who the Queen says claims to be an avatar of He Who Sleeps. The relationship between him and the Queen is a little unclear - they seem to know each other quite well, they’re even a little flirtatious, but the Queen appears to see him as a rival. As soon as Nissa tried to negotiate with the Queen, she proposed a Contest of Champions, where we will be fighting Biggaboat, represented by the Flewtang Gang.

We are in our rooms, where Chicka Chicka Slim Shady is telling us how this is a bullshit contest that happens regularly with about 12 rounds and a bunch of made up things. He tells us that while there’s an overt goal, there’s a secondary win condition to be entertaining - and that it’s better to lose while being entertaining than to win while being boring.

Reminder: the Flewtang Gang was previously the crew of the airship that Captain Trey? Took over. We hadn’t seen them since, presumably they’re here for their own reasons.

## Session

It is now the next morning. We’ve all had a long rest, we’re geared up and are hanging out in the sitting room of the suite of rooms that Chicka Chicka Slim Shady has. We have an opportunity to ask him questions or learn a little more about the competition. He’s sitting in the corner currently, patiently trying to explain the rules to Kanye.

“Okay look, so there are 12 rounds. Each round the particular challenge is randomly chosen. There are a ton of rules, but in some of the competitions the whole team will compete; some are 1-1 and your team will pick someone, their team will pick someone. Over the course of the contest, everyone needs to compete in at least one round - probably won’t be a problem, but it’s good to remember. Since the Fey can’t stand even the slightest hint of rules, there are a set of cards that let you break the rules. There’s one that lets you tag in a different player, there’s one that lets you pick the opponent you fight, another where you change where you’re fighting, etc. You’ll only have so many of those, so choose strategically when you use them. The main thing is you gotta be entertaining. The queen is gonna wanna laugh, she’ll wanna cry. KEEP HER COMPELLED. Don’t just come in and punch a guy until he’s dead, or else you might find yourself losing even if you win the competition.”

Averlyth spends an hour to cast the Glyph of Warding on a pair of Mirrored Aviators - when someone puts the glasses on, it will cast Mirror Image on the wearer, creating 3 illusory copies of them for one minute.

Kanye is wearing the full power armor, everyone is fairly normally suited up. When we’re all ready, Mr. Slim Shady escorts us back to the main ballroom. The ballroom has been cleared of the dining tables from last night; it is now a large open space, where the members of the court are milling around waiting for things to begin.

When we walk in, we draw a bit of attention - we hear some gossip and praise. Across the room, we see the Flewtang Gang standing next to Biggaboat Durdun. This gang has 5 members: Blowface Killa (frogman gladiator), Futbol (Half orc martial artist), Clif Fjord (dwarven thief), Thundergun Smith (human bard), and Dot JPG 2000 (human illusionist).

The horns sound to announce the arrival of the Queen (“Introducing her Majesty, Queen Mary Jane” - plus 800 titles) and she’s excited for the Contest of Champions to get started. The Queen is almost vibrating with excitement. It’s clear this is her favorite thing. She beckons us, as well as Biggaboat and his “boys”.

> **Queen MJ**: “So, the rules for this Contest of Champions will be fairly standard. We will have 12 rounds of randomly chosen challenges. Did anyone tell you about the special effect cards?”
> **Nissa**, giving her *the eyes:* “....We’ve love to hear it from *you*.”
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She pulls out 4 large almost ornamental cards and hands them to Nissa, then hands a matching set to Blowface Killa.

We’re told we can play one card per challenge, but there are only four. The cards are:

1. Tag in another player (swap your player for someone else)

2. Hinder a player (impose a restriction on any competitor)

3. Change the arena (deliberately vague and open-ended)

4. Pick your opponent (we can override who the other team nominated)

The Queen MJ asks if we’re ready to begin; Nissa curtseys, saying she’s excited to represent her. The Queen blushes, responding “I knew you were, darling”.

### Round One

Queen MJ reaches into her bag and grabs more ornamental cards and asks Averlyth to pick a card. She picks a card with an art-deco-style, fabulous-looking Fey young woman wearing a fabulous gown. The caption underneath it says “Steal the Princess’ jewelry”. She shows the cards to the audience, and they react enthusiastically.

Queen MJ’s daughter, Princess Lindica will be mingling with the crowd. There will be mixers and drinks served. Our job, one at a time will be to steal all the jewelry off her person without her noticing. She has a tiara, a necklace, a bracelet and 2 rings. She’s wearing earrings too, if we prefer that. We and the Flewtang Gang will take turns doing the same challenge.

The whole group looks at Um, still wearing his waiter’s outfit.

> **Averlyth**: I’m very confident in Um’s ability to steal everything successfully. I’m less sure about how we can make it entertaining?
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> **Um**: That’s my question too.
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> **Nissa**: What if instead of stealing all of her jewelry, you steal all of her clothes?
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The gang confirms that we can only nominate one person. We can assist them prior to the round, but can’t get involved while it’s happening. We can’t even be on the floor as it’s happening.

Without illusion magic, it’s unlikely that Um could successfully steal the princess’s clothes without her noticing, but maybe he can put the jewelry somewhere interesting at the end - the chandelier?? Or hilariously, he could drop the jewelry into her lap when he’s done, along with an MCVFD coaster.

Queen MJ asks who we’re going to nominate for this challenge. Blowface Killa points to Cliff Fjord, and Nissa says we’re so prepared, our nominated party member is already “deployed”.

Everyone starts milling around, getting drinks and snacks. The princess is moving from crowd to crowd. Getting with the group, chatting with them for a little, then moving on.

Nissa pats Um as he goes by, blessing him to have advantage with dex checks. Also he won’t take damage if he falls 20 ft, but he never falls. Unless this turns out to be the one time he falls.

Um naturally walks around the crowd, and then effortlessly takes off her fancy necklace.

Queen leans down to Nissa: “So he’s started already? He’s down there?”

Nissa: “We’ve already scored one point 😏”

Nissa gestures at her neck, the Queen gasps scandalously.

Someone almost takes a quiche off Um’s plate at the wrong time, but then he manages to score the Tiara. As he’s coming back around, one of the people that the Princess is gossiping with goes “weren’t you wearing a Tiara?” and she goes “oh no, it’s happening!”

Um grabs one of the earrings.

> **Nissa**: “Go for a toe ring!!”
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Apparently the crowd has no problem believing that a short person in waiter’s clothing holding a tray actually works here. He pockets yet another earring, and then takes one ring.

For his last, boldest move, he even offers her a canapé from his tray himself, and then slips the last ring from her hand as she takes one.

With all his loot, Um moves back to the back area, like the other server after finishing their tray. He prepares a tray with all of the jewelry, covers it with a fancy lid, and then instructs a passing server to deliver it to the Queen right away.

On the other side of the room, Nissa is starting to sense the Queen get bored. Suddenly, one of the Gith Zorai servants comes up with a tray saying “I was told to give this to you” and he lifts the lid and it contains all the princess’s jewelry instead of a drink or blunts.

The Queen gasps that she didn’t even see him, where is he??? Nissa suavely responds that a magician never reveals her secrets, and that we have 11 rounds to go.

The Flewtang Gang’s thief bows to the Queen, then walks right out into the room. He works his way into the crowd, tries to head to the Princess, but comes a little too directly and then has to abort.

He makes an attempt anyway and she can feel a hand reaching into her pocket, she slaps him, giggles and scurries off to a different part of the crowd. We see him tighten his tie and come back in for a second run. He bumps into the person she’s talking to, but he’s able to reach in and steal a ring while she’s distracted from giggling.

Feeling emboldened, he makes his way back in and out. This time, we can see deftly go back in, but then he gets a little cocky. He reaches up to pluck an earring, but she feels it and slaps him away before darting again.

He navigates through the crowd again, then fully trips and falls with his hand in her dress, even pulling his skirt down a little bit. The crowd is laughing, the Queen is clapping.

Cliff Fjord comes back and apologizes for not being good at working through crowds, but he opens up a lacy handkerchief.

> **Queen**: What am I looking at?
> **Cliff Fjord**: That’s the piercing I took from your daughter last night.
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Princess Lindica is bright red and the crowd eats it up. Both teams score a point.

### Round Two: MCVFD 1, FG 1

Cliff Fjord is asked to draw the next card. He does so, the Queen tells everyone to leave, then calls out “bring up the octagon!”. A giant octagonal arena comes up, and we hear that the round is for a less “subtle” skill.

The Flewtang Gang all silently look at Futbol; MCVFD simultaneously all look at Kanye. Kanye removes his helmet and sets it down on a table, and then apparently look at Nissa to play… strip tease music? Futbol doesn’t have any weapons or armor, so Kanye is removing his armor in the way he also knows best.

> **Kanye**: I’ll keep my G String on or whatever. I won’t be naked, but I want to have less equipment on than he does.
> **DM**: Less???
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Averlyth also casts Shield of Faith on Kanye since he’s armorless, so he’ll have a shimmering field to buff his AC.

> **Averlyth**: It’ll be a similar effect like you’re at the waiting room for a laser tag place, except you’re the only one with that look.
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> **DM**: So.. it just means his teeth are glowing?
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> **Averlyth**: That depends on what color his G-string is.
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Woodhouse apparently brings out Kanye’s G-string Collection, and he deliberates on the bedazzlement options.

> **Averlyth**: Bane believes in you, you know.
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> **Kanye**: Bring me my Bane G-String!
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> **DM**: Bane believes in you a little less…
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He chooses the one with skulls and rhinestones and “Bane believes in me” text on the butt.

Kanye and Futbol are escorted into the ceiling-less octagon, and then the doors are closed behind him. We watch through the 20ft tall chainlink fence. They prowl around the outside, circling each other, searching for weaknesses. As we’re watching, Futbol suddenly does a series of backflips moving quickly to his left side. He moves quickly and gracefully like a cat.

Kanye runs to the nearest corner of the octagon and climbs it to about head height, and then begins to gyrate.

He falls off, belly-flopping into the ground. He stands up, pride bruised.

Futbol comes sprinting in as Kanye’s picking himself off the ground, making a flurry of 3 quick unarmed strikes to his head. 2 of them hit, and he tries to riposte the second one, but just gets swatted aside.

Kanye is now facing a half orc in a gi.

> **Kanye**: Wait, he’s also a half orc? Do I recognize his tribe or something?
> **Averlyth**: Do you even remember him from when we met him before?
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Kanye remembers nothing. He trips Futbol, causing him to go prone, and then slaps dat ass.

> **Nissa**: That’s technically an unarmed strike 🍑
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The crowd titters a little bit.

Kanye once again mounts the pole, and then spends a superiority dice to gyrate. He successfully scales the wall, but doesn’t really look sexy while trying to dance while up there.

Futbol scales the wall and reach Kanye with 3 more strikes. He tries to riposte again, but still fails. Kanye tries to grapple Futbol with his legs, then tries to drop onto Futbol’s shoulders like he was getting a piggyback ride. Futbol seemingly expects this and drops to his knees, leaving both of them prone.

Futbol dramatically climbs up the chainlink, then tries to fly through the air to drop on Kanye. Last minute, he slams onto the table, then rolls over to elbow him in the face and punch him in the kidney, bloodying him.

Kanye rolls away and standing up, then waiting for Futbol to stand up so he can jump on his back. He completely succeeds, but misjudged how Futbol would get up - he does a martial arts style jump from his back instead of climbing onto his knees. Now Kanye is sitting on Futbol like they’re about to make out???

Kanye casts “That’s a Good Point Actually” from his bracer; what starts off as an awkward gyration on Futbol, it turns into a surprisingly sensual performance that the crowd is absolutely loving.

> **Futbol**, *muffled between Kanye’s thighs*: Jesus, do you ever wash this G-string?
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Futbol manages to wiggle out from under Kanye. It’s humiliating and it looks bad, but he’s at least not grappled. He stands up, swings a leg over Kanye’s back, and then puts him into a chokehold before punching him in the head. However, he’s so greasy he misses 2 out of 3 of his punches.

Kanye puts his hands out to the crowd and starts trying to rally. A few random people near the front that started cheering on Kanye shout along. He gives the Queen a wink. Despite herself, she winks back, then turns to Nissa and shakes her head in embarrassment.

Inky tendrils come out from Kanye's upper lip and dramatically reach for Futbol. Miraculously, as he has throughout the rest of the fight, he escapes the grapple with his +0 modifier.

Incredulous, Kanye decides to use a second bracer charge to cast Command Zed, which undoes 6 points of damage but puts us back at the top of this combat round, where Futbol is trying to grapple him again. This time, he isn’t able to grapple Kanye, but he does punch him in the head 3 times.

Kanye is on his knees and Futbol is behind him. To everyone’s shock, he lays backwards so his head is between Futbol’s legs and then sends out his grappling handlebars (grapplebars) up at Futbol. Finally, he successfully grapples him, dealing some mustache damage.

Once again, Kanye raises his arms to try and pump the crowd. They are INTO it, they are out for blood and ready for him to finish the dude. He looks at the Queen to prompt for a thumbs up or down like it’s a gladiatorial fight. She lets the crowd wants action, and she holds out a thumbs down dramatically.

To end it all, Kanye makes a precision punch to Futbol’s head. He’s not dead, but he’s clearly out of it. It’s obvious that Kanye could finish it if he wanted to, and the crowd goes wild. Futbol stands up groggily.

The Queen waves at everyone to quiet down, and then gives a point to Flewtang Gang for successfully having the nominated member be the first one to “die”. Nissa waggles her finger at him. Oops, should have listened to the instructions.

### Round Three: MCVFD 1, FG 2

The Queen invites Kanye to draw the card for the next round. Apparently it’s… a drinking contest?? 7 shots, first to puke or pass out loses.

Averlyth is a bold choice for this one! Good thing she bought that amulet that gives her Constitution 19.  Blowface hands over a card immediately and chooses Kanye as their champion. The queen and princess confer. The queen will allow the substitution, but if Kanye wins, the points go to MCVFD.

> **Drunkenness rules:**
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> Start at sobriety 0, gain a drunkenness point with a failed CON check.
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> Tipsy - ADV on cha checks and saving throws.
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> Buzzed - DIS on dex checks and saving, ADV on strength checks and saving.
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> Drunk - “inebriated” condition.  DIS on all attack and ability checks, but believe they have advantage.
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> Blackout drunk - gain poisoned condition (DIS on attack and ability checks).  Character is blacked out drunk and will forget everything.
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> Passed out - unconscious condition.
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Attendants mop the blood off the floor while two other attendants bring a table, chairs, and a row of shots.  Averlyth notices she doesn’t recognize any of this booze.  It almost looks like it’s glowing? Definitely not standard booze.  Cool.

The queen reminds us that the goal is all 7 shots, no puking or passing out.

Kanye goes hard to start and downs the first two shots at the same time.  Kanye narrowly manages to keep from wheezing from the first shot.  Takes the second like a true champ. Averlyth takes one down and is still sober.  She’s a shot behind and rushes to catch up – getting tipsy in the process.  They stop to savor the flavor of the shots: indescribable.  They don’t have the brain-wiring to make the words to describe how this tastes.  Sweet, spicy, tasty.  And potent as hell.

> **Averlyth**: Next shot is dedicated to queen MJ, the fey court, and bane.  Uh, not in that order.
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They link arms and take their next shot.  The crowd is impressed, good thing we’ve practiced this in bars.  Kanye gets hit pretty hard by this shot and joins Averlyth in tipsiness.
Kanye lifts Averlyth on a chair over his head while taking the next shot.  Just like the chariot!  They pull it off no problem.

> **Averlyth**: I’ve had worse!
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Averlyth takes her shot poured from altitude into her mouth.  This shot hits her pretty hard too – now Buzzed.

Time for round 5! The queen asks what we’re toasting to.  Averlyth immediately raises her toast and Kanye’s toast for him, and says: to Who He Sleeps’ Downfall!   Biggeboat waves gamely as the crowd titters.  Shots are really catching up to Averlyth and Kanye – Kanye is Buzzed and Averlyth is solidly drunk.  She falls out of her chair onto the floor.

She tries to get up – sloppily.  But she’s feeling great and now she has an audience.  She realizes this is her chance to convert the entire room to Bane! She feels super optimistic about it.

> **Averlyth**: Bane is better than He Who Sleeps.  Look him up.
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Kanye begins to chant “Bane! Bane! Fist of bane!” and air punches.  Averlyth was at disadvantage, but with the crowd cheering she believes she has quad advantage.  She goes hard at He Who Sleeps, believing she makes a compelling case about Bane.  To the crowd, she’s slurring and not projecting, not embarrassing but not enough to convert a crowd to worship a dark god.

Averlyth summons her gauntlet as a spiritual weapon and lifts the shot with it. Averlyth tips over the edge to blackout drunk. Kanye almost critically pukes but realizes he is INDOMITABLE and almost shrugs it off– but becomes drunk instead.

The crowd begins chanting DRINK, DRINK, DRINK, DRINK.  Both combatants look terrible.  Kanye decides to juggle chairs, because of course he can.  Averlyth doesn’t even register that this is going on next to her.  Last shot!

Kanye becomes blackout drunk.  Averlyth leans over, pukes from the bottom of her soul, then falls to the floor and becomes unconscious.

The queen raises Kanye’s hand over his head and says “point awarded, Mulmaster!” It's all tied up.

### **End of three rounds: MCVFD 2, FG 2**

Kanye decides to try and lick the queen.  He’s so drunk that he cannot miss.  It’s a great kiss and the queen blushes. Nissa gives Kanye a glare, he misread her entirely. The Queen turns to Nissa going “don’t be jealous dear”, and then invites her to draw the next card.

The next competition will be Tantine (?) Wrestling? *(edit: tag-team wrestling!)* Blowface Killa and Futbol volunteer for the Flewtang Gang. Before anyone in MCVFD can volunteer, they play the card to pick Averlyth and Kanye - expecting them to be hungover.

Next time: we might play the *Impose Restriction* card to make Blowface Killa + Futbol do the drinking round before they wrestle. Averlyth might be able to use restoration to give herself a bit of a hangover pick-me-up?

> **Averlyth**: By the way Kanye, the plan is I cast Mirror Image on myself and you put on the aviators, so then it’s 8 on 2.
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