Topaz- Ranger's Ramblings

*It has been a long time since I thought to put thoughts to paper. Long before I walked my chosen path as a protector, when I was a youngling and still learning the ways of the ranger. My heart aches. Betrayal and failure will do that. Since Tabor pushed me through that portal, I have kept solitary ways. First, I was just concerned about survival. Finding shelter, food, weapons.*

*But as is my way, I managed to find companions or they found me. First was Snowdrop, the white tiger who has seemed to claim me as her furless cub. She is beautiful and fierce, watching over all of us when she is not playfully hunting boars. Then came Baby Girl. The griffon is still a young one and feeling her way. I am glad I can still understand animal voices because she would be hard to deal with if I could not hear what makes her so skittish.*

*I managed to find a druid's circle in these strange lands. It was a comfort. While I am seeing that these lands are populated by many beings, from many places with many different customs, those who value and protect nature can still be found. And it is through this Circle that I was given the guardianship of Magnolia, my unicorn companion. It is a rare honor to be allowed upon her back and she manages to soothe me when my darkest thoughts take hold.*

*Runt was an orphaned pup I found. I do not know if her pack left her to die or if she just got separated. But the shivering, underfed pup quickly grew and blossomed under my care and has become my favorite hunting companion. Her antics always make me smile. And last we have Viscount, the mountain lion. The only male in our little family, he and Snowdrop are fighting for that alpha position. Snowdrop is winning. I bought him from a male selling animals to be companions. I was not sure how I felt about that, but the animals all appeared well cared for and loved.*

*Still, I find that I am more and more craving true companionship. In spite of what I suffered and in spite of what Tabor has done, I miss the sound of voices and of simple conversation that does not have to do with the taste of boar over rabbit or what creature is most fun to chase. But it is hard. I am very good at seeing that one should not judge all by the actions of a few. But at the same time, it is hard for me to really trust my own instincts about people. I thought that Tabor and I were of one mind only to find he had been lying to me and using me all along. How does one get past being so ...wrong? silly? misguided?*

*I will endeavor to keep visiting the settlements. Learning about others, seeing if I may make a friend or two. I can only take my own company for so long after all. My thoughts drift to the past, watching as my mentors and my friends were cut down in the battle for our grove. Tabor had planned his betrayal well, his sect knowing exactly who to target and how...and when. Though we too were at fault, always so open and trusting. And perhaps arrogant in believing that we would be strong enough to defeat any who would cause trouble. Misguided is what we were. The dark ones turned nature against us in such terrible ways, their corruption taking root faster than our druids could combat it while fighting for their lives. And the guardians, we were taken by surprise, our elders grown lax perhaps. And me? I froze. Seeing Tabor standing with the dark ones rendered me...broken. By the time I recovered my wits enough to fight, I knew it was a battle already lost. Forced to my knees, watching so many choose death...I was ready. I accepted my fate. So why did he deny me the choice. Was it guilt? Some remaining affection? Or was it the final betrayal?*

*And see? This is why I need to seek others. My thoughts cycle with questions I will never know the answer to. And with regrets of a past I cannot change. What was done, is done. I need to start moving forward. I am alive, so I have to start living and not existing*.