2017 Power Rankings-Week 12

## Introduction

It's the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and from top to bottom there is drama unfolding in the LOC. What is there to be thankful for this year? Well, if you're Duck Punchers and The Shotti Bunch, you have to be thankful that you officially clinched a playoff spot. Hell, Shotti doesn't play another meaningful game until week fifteen. Again.

If you're Sweet Dee, you have to like your chances of picking the draft order again. That's fun, right?

And if you're the Commish, you have to be thankful that you aren't anywhere within strangling distance of Nate because 1st degree murder charges don't go away easy.

Anyway, yes the rankings are early. Ya boy is leaving for Wisconsin tonight and he feels like spitting hot fire after the absolutely demoralizing late-night loss to RIPDab.

Folks, let me tell you something.

I have had good seasons (10-3) and I have had bad seasons (3-10). But this is, without exception, the most frustrating fantasy season of my life. Nothing is more annoying than being average for an entire season.

Well, enough about me. Let's kill these rankings like Doug Baldwin killed my hopes and dreams.

## Absolute Standings

Absolute Standings is simply this: what if instead of matchups, the top five teams got a W every week and the bottom five took an L?

If that was the case, here is what the standings would look like today:

## Sweet Dee vs. TB

Still waiting on win number 25 here.

Sweet Dee Record vs. Tom Brady Playoff Record

## The Bust Zone

Bust Watch: Total Points for First Round Picks
 Le'Veon Bell
 Antonio Brown
 AJ Green
 Julio Jones
 Devonta Freeman
 DeMarco Murray
 Jordy Nelson
 Odell Beckham Jr.
 David Johnson

So Todd Gurley, Papa's 2016 first round pick, is this year's top first rounder after being last year's bust. And Papa's 2017 first round pick is this year's bust. That can only mean one thing: David Johnson is about to tear it up for Shotti in 2018.

## Rookie Rundown

I think it is time to drop Chris Carson from the conversation and add in a new face.

Welcome aboard the rookie bandwagon, Samaje Perine.

I've never wanted to change a rule as badly as I want to change the free agency rule considering Shotti has the most stacked team in the league yet somehow always has a player to drop to swoop in and grab all our injured player replacmements. Dude, fuck off! Just chill for one damn week!

Cohen continues to go off while riding the pine for RIP while Mixon continues to suck while in the starting lineup for MMMS.

GBM, who used to be notorious for drafting old players (some of whom were retired), is definitely the most improved when it comes to recruiting rookie talent. His RB's rank 9th and 10th among all players at the position in 2017 and they are climbing. And let's not forget Michael Thomas last season.

## Stat Chat

LOC

* TSB becomes the 2nd team to reach 60 combined wins.
* RIP becomes the 3rd team to reach 50 regular season wins.
* PP becomes the 1st team to reach 60 combined losses.
* P9 becomes the 1st team to have a losing streak of three games or more in 7 straight seasons.

NFL

* Jordan Howard (PT) is averaging a 48.5% snap rate over his last two games.
* Duke Johnson (SD) has outscored Isaiah Crowell (P9) in 6 of ten games this season despite having 83 fewer carries.
* Inside the ten yard line, no two players (including QBs) have scored more fantasy points than Jarvis Landy and Todd Gurley (both owned by TSB).
* Amari Cooper (PP) is averaging just 31 yards per game if you take away his week against KC.

## Trade Tracker

Clearly, these trades have gone absolutely terribly for a few of us. Paddock 9 has not won a game since trading Abdullah and GBM has already lost his half of the Thompson/Brady deal.

I guess the ghost of fantasy managers past was right.

Starts:

* Thompson: 4
* Wentz: 3
* Brady: 3
* Crowder: 2

Oh, such poetic beauty. In the same week RIPDab and GBM face off, GBM's old QB has the best game of his season while the player he traded Brady for breaks his fucking leg. At least they still have that other Washington Redskins player whose been coming on of late. Oh, nope, traded him to aquire Wentz, which is the reason why they traded Brady in the first place.

This season FUCKING PISSES ME OFF.

Starts:

* McCaffrey: 2
* Abdullah: 3
* Morris: 2

Who do these two teams play this week? (hmm emoji)

Starts:

* Elliot: 1
* Cooks: 2
* Olsen: 0

I know DP puts on a good face for the camera but you gotta wonder what he feels deep down about this trade. It's not great.

Starts

* Miller: 3
* Snead: 0
* Juju: 2
* Duke: 2

## Remaining Strength of Schedule

Strength of schedule for the remaining two weeks of the regular season.

Weeks When Both DiGennaro Boys Won, by Year
 ma ma momma said
 The Shotti Bunch
 Sweet Dee
 Garoppoblow Me
 Papa's Pussies
 Pain Train WOO WOO
 RIPDab
 Paddock 9
 JarJar Stinks!

P9 and JJS, two 5-6 teams trying to find a way into the Festival, have the most favorable schedule to finish out the year. That bodes well for them and poorly for momma (2nd toughest) and GBM (5th toughest).

## Matchup Recap

RIPDee.

When Drew Brees had the best fantasy day of his season, you had to wonder if maybe it was in the cards for Sweet Dee to keep their season alive. Top to bottom their team was performing well, and when all was said and done everyone scored over 10 points. Meanwhile, Momma was having problems. Denver defense looked terrible, and Joe Mixon is basically a waste of space. Starting both Watkins and Woods is a gamble that seldom pays off, and this week Watkins scored a measely 7 points.

But even with Lockett and Graham going off on Monday night, the lead established by Brandin Cooks and S.Gotskowski in Mexico was impossible to top. Gotkowski was setting league and franchise records, while Cooks was shredding the Oakland defense all day long by utilizing stop and curl routes for half the game until the defense played up on him and then torching them with posts late. It was perfection. Unfortunately, for Dee it meant elimination.

Final score: 226.10-213.30 and a ticket to the consolation round for Sweet Dee. Fairy tale: ended.

## Playoffs??

So we know Sweet Dee is Sweet Deead. And Papa had the chance of a lifetime against The Shotti Bunch to actually make a playoff run, but now they need a miracle. Specifically, they need to win out (not impossiable), and they need P9, JJS, and MMMS to lose out (asking a lot), and they need to outscore MMMS by 40.16 in the process (again, not impossible).

### Magic Number

A Winning Magic Number is the number of consecutive upcoming games a team must **win** to guarantee winning a given playoff spot.

NOTE: Due to the point disparity, The Shotti Bunch is assumed to have won any tie-breakers between him and RIP/DP.

^ - Means Team will Finish At or Better Than this Playoff Spot

X - Means Team Cannot Win This Playoff Spot

Number - Indicates the total number of upcoming games the team must win in order to guarentee this spot.

DNCD - Means team Does Not Control Its Destiny, and thus even after winning all remaining games they need help from other teams.

* - Indicates First Round Bye

### Elimination Number

An Elimination Number is the number of consecutive upcoming games a team must **lose** to guarantee losing a given playoff spot.

^ - Means Team will Finish Better Than this Playoff Spot

X - Means Team Cannot Win This Playoff Spot

Number - Indicates the total number of upcoming games the team must lose in order to guarentee losing this spot.

MW - Means team Might Win this spot even if they lose the rest of their games.

* - Indicates first round bye

### Week Twelve Scenarios

Note: these scenarios take into account key matchups for weeks 12 & 13, which Yahoo does not do. These are more accurate.

* **The Shotti Bunch** clinches the top seed in the conference with:
	+ A **win**, or
	+ A **loss** by The Duck Punchers
* **The Duck Punchers** clinches a first round bye with:
	+ A **win**
* **RIPDab** clinches a playoff spot with:
	+ A **win**, or
	+ A **loss** by any two of the following three teams: Garoppoblow Me, ma ma momma said, Paddock 9.
* **Pain Train WOO WOO**clinches a playoff spot with:
	+ A **win** *and* a **loss** by one of the following two teams: ma ma momma said, Paddock 9.
* **Garoppblow Me** clinches a playoff spot with:
	+ A **win** *and* a **loss** by ALL of the following teams: ma ma momma said, Paddock 9, JarJar Stinks!
* **JarJar Stinks!** will be eliminated with:
	+ A **loss** *and*a **win** by ALL of the following teams: Garoppoblow Me, ma ma momma said, Paddock 9.
* **Papa's Posse** will be eliminated with:
	+ A **loss**, or
	+ A **win** by any two of the following four teams: Garoppoblow Me, ma ma momma said, Paddock 9, JarJar Stinks.

## Power Rankings

PT - Team record against teams currently in a playoff position.

L3 - Record over the last three games.

(C) - Clinched Playoff Berth

(E) - Eliminated from Playoff Contention

(B) - Clinched a First Round Bye

### 1(1). The Shotti Bunch (9-2) (C) (B)

* PT: 4-2
* L3: 2-1

Dude, you are so annoying. I guess congratulations on clinching another first-round bye and making it less fun for the rest of us. The Bully Bunch, that's what we should call you. Hey, I have something you should be thankful for this holiday season. Be thankful that the rest of us all have our heads shoved firmly up our asses and never draft decent runningbacks, leaving you with more runners than the Jamaican Olympic team. At least next year you can't keep all ten pro-bowlers you currently have on your roster, which makes me feel great about our chances of stopping a fourpeat.

### 2(2). The Duck Punchers (8-3) (C)

* PT: 4-1
* L3: 2-1

Hey, who said you had to win pretty? All you have to do is win. I mean look at me. Over 210 and a loss. Look at Duck Punchers, under 180 and a win. It's all about the matchups and no I'm not bitter I'm just stating a fact that whoever designed this schedule is a fucking prick. Shit. This is awkward. Anyway, The Duck Punchers is finding ways to get it done but will be in trouble if they can't finish what they started and wrap up this bye before gift wrapping season. Also, it would be wrong to write about Duck Punchers and leave out the return of Danny Woodcock. Danny Wooddome played 13 snaps and ran a pass route on 12 of them. Five catches for 21 is not quite Zeke Elliot numbers...or Duke Johnson numbers..but hey, it's a start.

### 3(4). RIPDab (7-5)

* PT: 3-4
* L3: 2-1

The reality of the situation is that Dab left enough on his bench to blow out GBM, but instead they snuck out a win with a garbage TD after their entire MNF roster was shut out for the second half. Aside from the fact that this is the single worst thing a friend has ever done to another friend, this is a huge win for RIP because they now have control of their own destiny for the bye. Mainly, this means that with one more win they get to avoid playing The Shotti Bunch in the semifinals.

### 4(3). Garoppoblow Me (5-6)

* PT: 3-3
* L3: 2-1

Sterling Shepard was a late scratch due to severe migraines, which is fitting because this guy has been nothing but a headache since joining the squad. Add in the fact that GBM benched the win with CJ Anderson (and yes I know if we are playing fantasy in dream world where you retroactively get to start bench players than Nate could start Philly D and still kill me) and this loss cuts even deeper than the Golden Tate benching against JarJar from earlier this year. The cuts are now so deep that they are coming out the back end, similar to how Jordy Nelson arrives at Lambeau every week (get it?...he gets pushed out the back end like a pile of shit). But give me a fucking break with this team being 5-6, tied with JarJar Stinks! This team has the potential to be the 2017 scoring champion and they might finish in 8th place.

### 5(5). Pain Train WOO WOO (6-5)

* PT: 2-4
* L3: 2-1

Has anyone ever been happier about beating a team that barely showed up to play? I've never seen someone take so much out of one great scoring performance from their first round pick. It's almost like they think that since Antonio Brown scored 50 points against a terrible Titans defense in week 11, in a matchup that they didn't even need to score 50 points, that they are now Glory Bowl VII champions. You know this isn't AT&T, you don't get rollover points. And historically, the games after blowout wins there is typically a regression in scoring. But hey, you go ahead and let me know I have no chance of winning. Let's see how that plays out for you. And in the meantime, I'm giving Pain Train some credit (just some). They have recovered from injuries several times, they stuck with Jordan Howard through thick and thin, and they are clearly going to break their playoff appearance drought this season. They earned a spot, now it's just a matter of what spot and whose season they ruin along the way.

### 6(6). ma ma momma said (5-6)

* PT: 2-4
* L3: 3-0

Well, well, if it ain't the 3-0 kid. I'd like to take credit for calling this one a few weeks ago but honestly, most of us saw this coming. The regression of Paddock 9 and the inevitable collapse of JarJar, coupled with the emergence of Brandin Cooks and the easy strength of schedule made this almost foreordained. But now comes the real test. Shotti Bunch and GBM back to back, with the week 13 matchup looking like a win and in scenario against the Commish. This is the team no one wants to see. I'm just...so grateful...so so grateful, that I have the honor of seeing them. So grateful. Nothing can possibly go wrong (imsodepressedsomebodyhelpme).

### 7(7). Paddock 9 (5-6)

* PT: 1-5
* L3: 0-3

BENCH! THAT! WIN! BENCH! THAT! WIN! I mean seriously, Paddock 9 has to have the worst luck of the season. GBM is up there but P9 takes the cake (And eats it and asks for more, that's just how he does business). In the last five weeks they have suffered margins of defeat of 3.52, 0.97, and 1.12. That's three losses by a combined 5.61 points. But all of that does not matter. Water under the collapsing bridge. They have to win at least one more game in the next two weeks and they can still salvage the season.

### 8(8). Papa's Pussies (3-8)

* PT: 3-6
* L3: 1-2

Papa, undefeated in moral victories this season, gets really close to pulling off another upset against The Shotti Bunch only to fall gruelingly short. Matty Ice was not Matty Nice but was Matty Scored-Enough-To-Fuck-Over-Papa-and-Commish and now PP is DOA. At least they can say they hung with the juggaurnauts.

### 9(9). JarJar Stinks! (5-6)

* PT: 3-5
* L3: 1-2

I really love JarJar as a person. But man, am I growing to hate this team. They have no business being 5-6 and in the playoff hunt, but thanks to my own stupidity they are here. 3-5 against playoff teams and two of those wins came against Garoppoblow Me. And they have a super easy remaining schedule so if they snake out one more win in the next two weeks they could very well bump either momma or Commish from the playoffs based on record alone. God DAMMIT.

### 10(9). Sweet Dee (2-9) (E)

* PT: 1-6
* L3: 1-2

Dee has only beaten the DiGenarro Boys in 2017 but they are finally heavy favorites in week twelve against JarJar Stinks and can end JJ's season like they did in 2015 with a late season win. Please do that, Dee. Please.

## Matchups of the Week

Thanks to the grace of the Gods, we have another week where all five matchups mean something. Clinching and elimination scenarios abound across the board.

### The Undercards

#### Sweet Dee (212.58) vs. JarJar Stinks! (184.86)

Good news for JJ, they are on a 3-game win streak against Sweet Dee. The bad news? They are 27.72-point dogs and their roster looks like the apocalypse hit and these were the only surviving NFL players. So they decided to band together and try to make it in whatever is left of the cruel world. But they start to get hungry, and they need to eat. So they decide to kill Jason Witten in his sleep. He's old and slowing up the group. They gnaw on him until there is nothing left, and then they go after Matt Forte. Soon it's only Eric Decker and Jack Doyle. Doyle has the brains, but Decker has the brawn. Together they survive for years, scrounging off of the occassional Browns player they find along the road. Some nights they hold each other for warmth but really the truth is they long for each other. Hell, Doyle has had feelings for Eric even before all this shit went down. One night Doyle leans over for a kiss, only to find that Eric is cold as a corpse. He has passed away. Doyle cooks him over an open fire and eats the parts that haven't rotted away. Tears fall down his cheeks. The salt tastes good on the flesh.

JarJar really needs the win to stay alive in the LOC.

#### Papa's Pussies (205.90) vs. Paddock 9 (186.72)

A 6.26-point victory against Papa in their last meeting, Paddock 9 has since degenerated while Papa has grown stronger. Papa is averaging 205.51 points per game over the last three weeks. Paddock 9 is averaging 162.54. This is a matchup of Abdullah/Morris vs. McCaffrey. If P9 is going to make the playoffs, he has to hope this trade plays to his advantage. Paddock 9 owns the series edge 6-3 but has not swept a season series with Papa since 2013.

#### The Shotti Bunch (232.40) vs. Ma ma momma said (192.86)

The Shotti Bunch might not have much to play for, but they are still going to be a tough competitor in week twelve. Momma has been ravished with injuries during their "surprise" three-game win streak. They lost breakout star Robert Woods in week eleven, but they are about to get back Greg Olsen. Baltimore has three shutout wins and looks like the strongest position on TSB. This most definitely means we will be scoreboard watching on Monday night as Baltimore takes on Houston. Momma owns the series edge 6-5 but is on a five-game losing streak to TSB.

#### RIPDab (216.24) vs. The Duck Punchers (211.10)

In a stellar matchup of the week earlier this season, TDP beat RIP by 1.87 points. Now, three weeks later, there is even more on the line. Due to the scoring tie-breaker, the winner of this game gets the 2-seed through twelve weeks. If The Duck Punchers wins, it is a clinching scenario. If RIP wins, it means both teams are still alive for the spot with RIP having the point advantage. This is a potential semi-finals preview. DP has some very tough matchups, including Hopkins and Miller going against Baltimore and Prescott hoping to get back on track vs. the resurgent Chargers. These two teams have never met in the playoffs and this is the first time they have met twice in the same season. RIP owns the series edge 4-3.

### The Main Event

Garoppoblow Me (223.88) vs. Pain Train WOO WOO (206.34)

* 2017 Records
	+ Pain Train: 6-5 (4th)
	+ GBM: 5-6 (5th)
* Head-to-Head Wins
	+ PT: 7
	+ GBM: 3
* Key Injuries (PT)
	+ Chris Hogan (Questionable)
* Key Injuries (GBM)
	+ Sterling Shepard (Questionable but this soft as melted butter bitch ass better play)
* Players to Watch (GBM)
	+ Golden Tate: Terrible game in week eleven and now faces off against stout Minnesota defense on Thanksgiving day.
	+ Alvin Kamara: Kamara has been this team's X-factor and that needs to continue if GBM wants a shot at the Festival.
	+ Nelson Agholor: GBM has been pretty good at sniffing out good/bad games from Nelson. This start/sit decision could be the difference in the game.
* Players to Watch (PT)
	+ Antonio Brown: Okay, big boy. You followed up a 9.60 point performance with a 59.50 point performance. Whatchu got this week?
	+ Jordan Howard: Howard has come alive after a slow start but he goes up against Philly's top-ranked run defense so this is a huge showdown.
	+ Detroit D: Detroit defense facing off against McKinnon (also owned by PT) on Thanksgiving. Who will be feasting in this one?

This is a 5 vs. 6 that has the potential to decide the fate of three other teams outside of the matchup itself. A win by GBM makes it very tough for P9 and JJ if either of those teams were to lose. Pain Train, meanwhile, has a great shot at the playoffs even if they were to lose out. But a win solidifies their spot and puts them within striking distance of a 2 or 3 seed, depending on how the other games go over the next two weeks. Pain Train has certainly not forgotten everyone shitting on them earlier this season, and this is a statement game that would shutup the doubters. One thing working against them is that the last time they crossed 240 they followed up with a sub-180 game.

A win by momma takes an already muddied playoff picture and makes it even more muddled. A win by Sweet Dee and she gets to take momma down into the consolation tournament abyss with her.

No winning Matchup of the Week team has scored under 200 points this season so look for this to be a high scoring back and forth affair (MATTJINX ALERT, LOOK FOR THE LOWEST SCORES OF THE SEASON).