Todd Padre

Arts Program

Religion

Laura Padre (Deer Daughter)

Other unnamed child

Valerie Hart (Bill Cravy)

## **Biography**

**Estadre (Todd) Toiletman Padre** (Dan Lippert) is one of the hosts of the Teacher's Lounge and the former teacher of Theatre and Women's Studies at Hamilton High School . He is one of the founders of and the current Head of the Arts and Religion at Levi's 401 Jeans Presents Swine High School .

#### **Pre-Podcast**

Mr. Padre is a a self-proclaimed misogynist and a 'self-trained' actor with a very broad acting style, which famously does not work well on film. Todd's credits include a film version of 'Birth of a Nation'. His dream is to act professionally off-broadway, "where the art really happens", and never interact with a student again.

He holds the record for 'Worst Play Ever' and has attempted to contact Guinness World Records to get the record changed to 'Best Play,' but accidentally emailed Garth Brooks instead. He also holds the record for 'Hottest Play' for his Hurricane Katrina based play in which he utilized sauna rocks and hot air to simulate the heat of Katrina. This play resulted in the audience rioting out of confusion over Todd's performance as Donald Rumsfeld doing Billy Crystal's Jazz Man character; a riot which itself holds the record for 'Slowest Massacre.'

Padre was on the scene at the Sharon Tate murder (August 8th 1969), begging to be murdered by the Manson family, who insisted he wasn't young and beautiful enough. Padre had previously been in a band with Charles Manson. Some years later, he served as President Richard Nixon's tri-fold wallet.

Todd's actions on September 11, 2001, have been the subject of some controversy. While in New York City attempting to audition for *Saturday Night Live* (an audition Bill Cravy claimed was "a rip-off of Mr. Peepers over and over again"), video footage caught Todd pushing elderly women back into the collapsing World Trade Center. He was also alleged to have used a trampoline to "bounce people back into the building." Padre responded to accusations by claiming his audition was different from Chris Kattan's Mr. Peepers character as he was eating a pear.

He also claims to have originated the screenplay for Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium and the concept for the film Hook (both of which he blames Dustin Hoffman for stealing). However, Padre's version of Hook saw the crocodile replaced with a koala and the ticking clock replaced by Vengaboys music. He also believes that the people behind IMDb stole his intellectual property and based their site on his website "I Am D."

Todd's father worked in construction and would always tell Todd what was in the other workers' lunchpails, before he passed away peacefully from patricide. His brother was an alcoholic and, vowing as a child to never become an alcoholic himself, Todd took to drinking paint. Todd himself is father to cash-poor children, who do own a fair amount of land, but he refuses to give them any money.

During a custody hearing, Todd's daughter Mary roasted Todd for about 10 minutes. Most of Mary's jokes during the hearing were about how Todd sits down to pee. However, in actuality he lays down to pee and makes a puddle on the bathroom floor.

   When he is not able to get his hands on some paint, Todd uses blood thinners, in particular Tylenol, as a substitute. He needs his blood to be "wafer-thin" and doesn't find over-the-counter medication satisfactory, preferring the stronger, pharmacy-grade alternative (unfortunately this has led to his explusion from several pharmacies around Hamilton). Todd's blood is so thin that when he stubbed his toe it bled for six hours and was "shooting out" watery blood. This was partly due to the fact Todd had been on a blood thinner-bender the night before, as he needed to blow off steam due to the poor situations of both his home life and the development of his one-man show.

Twins Jimmy and Joshy Wemberly allegedly died in Todd's theatre class. However, Todd believes that they faked their death and has begun production on a documentary tentatively titled "Finding the Wemberlys" in which he attempts to find the missing siblings in Colombia. Todd flies to Colombia on an airline called Ghost that also runs drugs for a Colombian cartel and requires his emotional support animal, Sam Weatherman, in order to fly.

Todd describes himself as "not a hung man" who is "average-sized."

Todd once fell into the Koala cage at the Hamilton Zoo and was dragged back and forth by a small Koala. In an attempt to stop this, the zookeepers tried to shoot Todd, but accidentally shot the Koala instead. This incident became a popular meme on Reddit.

Todd takes intended slights on his haggard looks as compliments and will often thank his colleagues for telling him he looks much older than his 72 years. "You look many days over a hundred," Bill Cravy tells him in Episode 3, to which Todd replies "Thank you very much". Todd explains that "A lot of people ask me how, at 72 years old, are you as active as you are when you look like saggy leather?" and I tell them: first of all, "Thank you," and then I say, "Come and see my play as the theatre keeps me young."

#### **Season 1**

In Season 1, Mr. Padre taught all of the theatre, voice and movement classes at Hamilton High School, as well as directing, writing, and starring in the school play: "The Story of My Life, Todd Padre: A One Man Show:" (based on his life). The theatre students were originally cast in the play as an applauding audience, but, due to a viral online petition, Todd was forced to recast the students as non-breathing trees. However, due to further complaints, he allowed each of the students to prepare a 5 minute opening act for his play. However, due to complaints that this was more like standup than theatre, Todd allowed the students to write, direct, and star in a one-act play before his show.

Mr. Padre taught a whole quarter on the terminology of theatre rehearsal, where he imparted such wisdom as:

* "In theatre we don't practice; we *rehearse*
* "We don't wear clothes; we wear *costumes*
* "We don't say words; we say *dialogue*
* "We don't take pauses; we take *beats*".

At the beginning of the season, Todd's ex-wife Leslie finally kicked him out of her house. Todd spent some time camping on his ex-wife's lawn and staying at the YWCA, before ultimately deciding to sleep on the pull-out couch in the teacher's lounge with Sam Weatherman, which he peed in after the two of them had a pizza party. The school had the couch cleaned despite Todd's protestations. Among the other things that Todd urinated on (to mark his territory) was his ex-wife herself at the grocery store. This event prompted Leslie to file a restraining order against Todd. The surveillance footage of this incident was played on the local news, despite Todd's 9-1-1 call requesting the contrary (a call that was also played on the news).

After kicking Todd out, his ex-wife began dating a 17-year-old high school basketball player who once roasted Todd during halftime of a high school basketball game. This eventually lead to fisticuffs resulting in Todd being badly injured. However, since Todd instigated the fight, only he was arrested for it. As a result of this roast, Leslie's boyfriend was booked by Comedy Central to host an official Roast of Todd Padre.

After his previous therapist got a restraining order against him, Todd started seeing a therapist named Howard Milton (a mannequin from H&M that Todd rented an office space with floor-to-ceiling windows for). His therapy sessions became one of the biggest attractions downtown with people selling t-shirts to the spectators outside the office. It has been suggested that Todd himself has been profiting off these sessions and an anonymous man who greatly resembled Todd appeared on the local news to promote his upcoming therapy session. Later, Todd was compelled to tell the truth, because of his daughter's half-birthday wish, and owned up to the fact that he was profiting off his therapy sessions and the accompanying t-shirts. The therapy was shut down because Todd didn't have the proper permits.

Trying to make his wife jealous, Todd went on what he consid

ers the best date of his life with a woman named Bethany Hart (who was revealed to be Bill Cravy in disguise). The date consisted of a limo ride (driven by Sam Weatherman), a meal at Scrotes, and oral sex preformed by Todd (which did not tip him off to the fact that Bethany was Bill). During the date, Todd paraded "Bethany" in front of his ex-wife's house in an attempt to make her jealous, but instead ended up being roasted by her boyfriend once more. Bill's identity was finally revealed to Todd when his woman's wig accidentally fell off. Despite Bill's blown cover, Todd went on a second with Bethany Hart where they violated his ex-wife's 25-foot restraining order again when they both attempted throw rocks 25 feet at Leslie and her boyfriend. They did this in response to her boyfriend's "public stoning" of Todd in the town square, which was heavily attended by spectators cheering the boyfriend on. After violating the restraining order, Todd was given an ultimatum: admitted they were divorced or go to jail. Todd chose the latter.

As the season went on, Todd made himself more at home in the teacher's lounge and even set up some IKEA furniture in there. Todd slept in the lounge with water pitcher next to his bed and would often get a glass of water in the middle of the night and spill it all over himself, so he slept in a shower cap because he didn't want to go to bed with wet hair.

In an attempt to get more people to see his play, Todd forged prom tickets with the address of his play, at the Crest White Strips Auditorium (formerly the Cold Gate Auditorium), on them instead of prom's address. This resulted in all of the sold-out prom tickets having to be reprinted and resold. Todd also wrote Bethany Hart into the play as she had become such an important part of his life. Additionally, Todd tortured his daughter to get her to read his play and give him her thoughts by putting her in a well lit room full of smoke (from cigarettes he was smoking) and playing the song "Toxicity" by System of a Down at full volume.

### **Interests**

* Hung (TV show)
* Movie reviews on rotten.com (although he did not appreciate the review of Guardians of the Galaxy which was simply a picture of a dead Iraqi)
* The Dr. Demento Radio Hour
* Todd's two favourite comedies are 'Rubberface' and 'Silence of the Hams'

### **Addictions**

* Paint
* Blood Thinners (Tylenol)
* Lightbulbs
* Cigarettes

### **Sexuality**

Todd claims to not be gay and even had himself tested for it. However, his ex-wife has accused him of being gay several times and there is evidence to support her claim. For example, Todd has claimed that there's nothing more beautiful than a man's scrotum. It's also been implied that Todd may be attracted to his ex-wife's boyfriend whom Todd's said he wishes was gay and whom Todd may have designed Hamilton High School's beautiful This Is Gay mascot after. Not to mention Todd's romantic and sexual relationship's with Bill Cravy's female personas.

The strongest piece of evidence was perhaps the time that Todd said that he was gay immediately after his daughter used her birthday wish to wish that he be unable lie for an entire day. During this day, Todd frequently attempted to write "I am straight" but kept involuntarily writing "I am gay" instead, an experience that Todd adapted into his screenplay "Gay Man, Gay Man."