Pansies

## Novel by Alexis Hall

> 'It can be one of the most difficult things in the world, I think. To accept yourself.'
>
> Fen O'Donaghue to Alfie Bell, Chapter 19

***Pansies*** is the fourth book in the *Spires* series, written by British author Alexis Hall. It was first published on 10 October 2016 by Riptide Publishing. The novel explores the relationship between Alfie Bell and Fen O'Donaghue, where the latter was the victim of Alfie's bullying when they were in school. Alfie grapples with coming to terms with his sexuality and looks for Fen's forgiveness. As bonus content, the novel includes Alfie Bell's Hashtag Eggplant Wednesday Lasagne recipe.

*Pansies* was nominated for the 2017 RITA Award by Romance Writers of America for Contemporary Romance: Long and the 2017 Lambda Literary Award. Hall held a virtual book tour from 10-14 October 2016. The audiobook was released on 4 February 2020, narrated by Cornell Collins through Tantor Audio on Audible.

## Synopsis

Alfie Bell is . . . fine. He's got a six-figure salary, a penthouse in Canary Wharf, the car he swore he'd buy when he was eighteen, and a bunch of fancy London friends.

It's rough, though, going back to South Shields now that they all know he's a fully paid-up pansy. It's the last place he's expecting to pull. But Fen's gorgeous, with his pink-tipped hair and hipster glasses, full of the sort of courage Alfie's never had. It should be a one-night thing, but Alfie hasn't met anyone like Fen before.

Except he has. At school, when Alfie was everything he was supposed to be, and Fen was the stubborn little gay boy who wouldn't keep his head down. And now it's a proper Fen might have slept with Alfie, but he'll probably never forgive him, and Fen's got all this other stuff going on anyway, with his mam and her flower shop and the life he left down south.

Alfie just wants to make it right. But how can he, when all they've got in common is the nowhere town they both ran away from.

## Dedication

*To Kat, for holding my hand (even when it was clammy)*

## Background

### Content guidance

* Sexual content
* Past bullying (one character bullied the other as a child)
* Internalised homophobia and internalised toxic masculinity (challenged on page)
* Parent with Alzheimer's
* Death of a parent (happens in the past and off page)
* Grieving, euthanasia (happens in the past and off page)
* Homophobic language, homophobia, mild violence

### Behind the scenes

Hall addressed its relation to the *Spires* series, where it was not set in Oxford. He added:

>
> For people who are connection-spotting, Fen's ex-boyfriend is Niall's current boyfriend (and, if I ever get to write that book, a significant proportion of it would take place in South Shields, at Alfie and Fen's wedding—spoiler for future events of imaginary people) and there's a loose group of trendy London sorts who overlap across all the books. Basically, I started with quite a specific plan for *Spires*, which I quickly edited down "whatever wound up happening."
>
>
> I do think that *Pansies* still feels like a *Spires* book but, obviously, that's mostly a call for readers to make. Most of books in the series are quite different anyway—even the ones that have explicit Oxford connections.
>
>
>
>

Concerning the word 'pansy', which has been used as a derogatory slur against the gay community, Hall noted that he personally felt it to be "quite outdated and evocative of (and I don't want to sound like I'm some kind of connoisseur here) a very specific flavour of homophobia. It's specifically the slur that people (primarily men) who have a very specific view of masculinity use against men who they feel deviate from that norm. It's odd in a way because it's sort of self-referentially derogative. As a homophobic slur its power comes from suggesting that a gay man is effeminate and therefore not a proper man. As a slur directed at a man who you perceive as weak or insufficiently masculine it derives its power from suggesting that an effeminate man is gay and therefore not a proper man. Slurs are so weird." He continued, "I think, weirdly, the flower connection is part of the problem. I mean, this is really obvious slur etymology but the whole reason pansy is used to mean a gay or effeminate man is precisely because of the comparison with flower. In this sense, I don't think it's like queer where reclaiming the term has a subversive power because the word itself almost literally means subversive. I can certainly imagine people who might want to reclaim pansy as a term but I think they'd have to be people who are keen to identify with tiny, brightly coloured flowers".

## Critical reception

*Publishers Weekly* penned, "The book goes on longer than the plot deserves, but Alfie and Fen are so delightful together that readers probably won't mind".

## Plot

The story begins with Alfred "Alfie" Bell, who is a financial advisor at J.D. Jarndyce and lives in London. Travelling to South Shields for his friend Kevin's wedding, he accidentally comes out to everyone during the party. He drives away to a local bar, the Rattler, and finds interest in a stranger. At first, the stranger believes it to be a joke, though eventually they wind up having a one-night stand at a hotel. In the morning, Alfie realises the stranger is Fen, the boy he used to bully for six years when they were at school, and believes he could put it in the past. Struggling with internalised homophobia, Alfie had took his frustrations out at the femme boy. Fen believes Alfie has not changed at all, still a "coward and a bully", and leaves after their argument.

Alfie is determined to make amends and searches for Fen's mother at her flower shop, Pansies. He finds Fen there, who is angry. During his apology, he gets plant water thrown in his face. Alfie is forced to leave and returns to his penthouse apartment in London.

Meanwhile, Fen is trying to keep his late mother's flower shop running, despite the financial difficulties. He writes letters to her, revealing that back then he thought he was in love with Alfie, even though he was mercilessly bullied.

Alfie is at a London bar, Earl's Court, where he joins his friends Kitty and Greg (who happen to be his ex-fiancée and ex-boyfriend, respectively). He reveals his problem when he ran into Fen who still hates him after fifteen years, and Kitty points out that things that seem trivial for him aren't for others. Alfie returns to his apartment and Greg visits, both apologising to the other for their insensitivity. Alfie admits that he wants a partner for life. A week later, he informs his workplace of taking a long weekend off and searches for Fen.

Alfie visits Pansies, and Fen confesses of wanting Alfie when they were younger. Alfie tries to reconcile while Fen is tormented with their past and remains wary. Fen finally agrees to a dinner on the terms that Alfie receives a swirlie, the same treatment a younger Fen has faced. When they're at the toilet, he is unable to go through with it. During this, he accidentally falls into the tub, taking down the shower curtain and breaking its rail. Alfie plans the dinner tomorrow night, booking at The Raj restaurant.

The next morning, Alfie heads to a B&Q DIY superstore, planning to fix Fen's shower rail. He attempts to plaster the wall, though near the end, accidentally knocks over the bucket and ends up cementing the floor. When he drills the bracket onto the wall, he hits in a pipe which results in water leaking out. When Fen comes upstairs to inspect the damage, he is mortified, but Alfie promises it'll be okay. Alfie calls his father for help, where they are aided with his younger brother Billy, the plumber Joe, and Joe's apprentice Harry in the bathroom.

After their dinner at The Raj, where Fen leaves, crying, he reveals that his mother passed away and he has experienced a moment of grief. Alfie allows him to take the Sagaris for a drive upon request, though Fen nearly crashes them both when speeding. They end up making out on the car's bonnet, though Fen requests to be dropped off home, not believing their relationship can happen as he's a mess.

Eventually Fen contacts Alfie days later, indicating he's at the Grotto, Marsden. He admits that he wants to be with Alfie, and that his mother loved the Grotto. When asked of how his mother died, Fen revealed that she had early-onset Alzheimer's and decided to commit suicide by sodium pentobarbital, at aged 56. He feels guilt about if he did the right thing by helping her.

When Alfie helps to chases off several kids who hold vandalize Pansies with graffiti, he catches one, knocking them from their bike. He pins them to his car, and Fen comes out to protest. While Alfie is distracted, the kid ends up hitting their head back into Alfie's face and pedals away, shouting a homophobic slur. Alfie angrily states that Fen shouldn't be open about his sexuality, and even continues that he could be straight or with a woman. This causes Fen to be furious and states of never wanting to see Alfie again. However, Fen witnesses Alfie cry and comforts him. The subject of Fen's sexuality is brought up, where he explains that he falls in love with the person rather than the gender. The topic of marriage gets brought up, and Fen agrees to be boyfriends while Alfie is still with him for the time being.

The next morning, Alfie offers his help for running Pansies. Fen reveals that he doesn't want to be running a flower shop, deep in debt, though wants to preserve his mother's memory. Alfie figures out how to build revenue, and aims to mend the shop's delivery van that has an issue with its transmission, just like his father suggested. They visit Brown's Auto Repair to fix up the truck, meeting Peter Brown, a fellow schoolmate who also used to bully Fen. Alfie straight off the bat declares that he's gay and with Fen. Shocked, Pete runs away into the office. His wife and fellow mechanic, Leyla Brown, comes out to help them.

Later on, Fen and Alfie close up Pansies and discuss their upcoming date concerning musicals. The doorbell rings and it turns out to be Leyla and Pete. Pete apologises to Fen for the earlier incident of running away and the childhood bullying. Pete admits that he was jealous of how Fen was openly himself despite being targeted by the bullying, and gives a box of pastrys as a peace offering. Alfie and Fen end up watching the *Legally Blonde* musical the next day, and heading past Londonderry where they are followed by a few homophobic men who harass them. Alfie ends up scaring them away, and Fen admonishes his actions, worried for his safety.

Fen's dad calls, as Fen usually visits on Fridays. He brings Alfie with him, where they stop on Laburnum Grove. Alfie can tell Fen's father, Aidan O'Donaghue, doesn't like him. As Fen washes the dishes after their meal, Aidan confronts Alfie, as he knows Alfie used to torment his son. Alfie says he's changed and that he wants Fen to be happy. Aidan advises him to convince Fen to get rid of the shop. After the three play rounds of *Mario Kart*, Aidan tells Alfie he can tell that he cares for his son.

Later, Alfie and Fen go to Marsden Rock, where Fen releases the letters he wrote to his mother out into the sea. Afterwards, they get food at Red Hut on Ocean Road then visit Little Haven beach to eat. They move down to Sandhaven to the funfair, which is locked though Alfie has permission to enter, where he used to work during the summer and knows the owner, Fowler. Alfie shows a job listing at Shoestring Theatre Company in Newcastle, and Fen offers to run Pansies with Alfie. Believing that Fen deserves better than the flower shop and Alfie's love, Alfie says he has to return to London. Fen accepts this and leaves.

On Monday morning, Alfie visits J.D. Jarndyce's office for the meeting, where he is threatened to be fired. Jarndyce decides to hold off a week to let Alfie give a better answer of why he shouldn't be fired. Alfie ends up going back to his bed, feeling alone and broken. Several days later, he decides he won't work for the company anymore. He talks with Greg and Kitty, as well as Kitty's new boyfriend, Charles, who accompany him to South Shields to visit Fen. They arrive to Pansies where Alfie apologises and professes his love. Fen kisses him and his friends leave them to be alone. Alfie explains that he doesn't want to be the reason for Fen to be stuck in South Shields, and recalls Aidan's given advice. Fen returns that his father shouldn't make decision for either of them and that he doesn't mind South Shields. Alfie goes on to say that he left his job and wants to be with Fen. In the Epilogue, Alfie carries on the flower shop business.

## Characters

* Alfred "Alfie" Bell Jr. – the protagonist, aged 30, who lives in London as a financial advisor. He deals with internalised homophobia and finds himself fall in love with Fen, the boy he used to bully when they were younger
* Feminmore "James" O'Donaghue – The love interest of Alfie, who was formerly bullied by him; works as a lighting designer and currently a florist at Pansies, his deceased mother's flower shop. He identifies as queer, but doesn't specifically label his sexuality, falling in love with the person rather than their gender
* Shelley – a sixteen-year-old worker at Pansies, who is also nicknamed "Gothshelley"
* Aidan O'Donaghue – regional manager for Woolworths, father of Fen
* Nora Shaftoe – born and raised in South Shields, owned the flower shop Pansies
* Great Aunt Sheila – Alfie's relative
* Kevin – Alfie's friend who has the wedding, marrying Lisa. Names Alfie to be his and Lisa's unborn child's godfather
* Greg – Alfie's ex-boyfriend; 24 years old
* David – Fen's ex-boyfriend
* Kitty – Alfie's ex-fiancée; a writer for the regional publication, the *Tatler*
* Amjad – son of Mr. Ali
* Parvati – daughter of Mr. Ali
* Mr. Ali – owner of The Raj
* Alfred Bell Sr. – the father of Alfie; unaccepting of his son's sexuality
* William "Billy" Bell – Alfie's younger brother
* Joe – friend of Billy who is plumber
* Harry – Joe's apprentice
* Peter "Pete" Brown – Married to Leyla Brown; the owner of Brown's Auto Repair
* Leyla Brown – Married to Peter Brown; the owner of Brown's Auto Repair
* Charles Randall – Kitty's boyfriend and works for diplomatic service

## Trivia

* The book mentions author A. A. Winters and the competition show, *Bake Off*. David is also mentioned as Fen's ex, who is the boyfriend of Niall.

## References

1. ↑ "Blog Tour: Exclusive Interview & Giveaway Alexis Hall – Pansies". *Love Bytes Reviews*. 12 October 2016.
2. ↑ "Pansies". *Publishers Weekly*. 31 October 2016.

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