Paul Bwlard mall poliece

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Did shalt we wend! Moveth 't! 50 moo yards! Valorous anon, did shalt we wend! Pick 't up! - did shalt we wend! - aye, sir! Thou art running out of time, bryant! Maketh 't all the way 'round the track! Cometh on! Thee wanteth to beest troopers? Thee better moveth 't! Valorous anon, next, receiveth up hither! Did shalt we did hit anon 't. Dean, cometh on! Valorous anon. Thee've all did complete the writ exam. However, thee wilt anon passeth the obstacle course to beest did admit into the training program. And recall, survive this, and thou art on the front lines of keeping new jersey safe. Yeah. Mine most humble apology about the test, father. We all hath't our crosses to bear, leman. Mine is named hypoglycemia. Well, yond's wherefore thee at each moment hath't to hath't sugar nearby. Art thee gonna hath't pie? Not tonight, ma. I'm just kidding. Yeah, i'm gonna wanteth some pie. Thee. Nay, i did cullionly anon, ma. Receiveth the pie anon. - well enow. - thee did doth sayeth 't, and i just kind of did get yond did stick in mine headeth anon, and can't very much receiveth 't out. Pie. Hither we wend. 't very much helps heal. And, thee knoweth, not at each moment, but oft, thee gotta doth like the kids sayeth, and just sayeth, "thither's few or none will entertain it." kids don't talk like yond. Some doth, leman. The older ones, well enow? I heareth those folk in the mall. Thee knoweth? Pignut butter. 't just fills the cracks of the heart. Wend hence, teen. - what? - paulie. Oh, nay. Cometh on, ma. I'm not eft for this coequal but anon. - father. - prithee. We just don't wanteth to see thee wend through another festival high-lone. But i'm not high-lone. I've did get thee two. Thee knoweth? And besides, black friday's coming, so mine dance card's gonna beest quaint full. What? 't's the busiest shopping day of the year. Yeah, i shouldst hath't known better than to tryeth to pray pardon me 't to civilians. I wish i did hath't a coworker hither, like, "tyler, ho. Thee knoweth, black friday's coming." "gee, paul, thee don't hath't to telleth me black friday's coming. "wherefore doth thee bethink i've been walking 'round hither "with the eyes of an eagle?" - we prepare. - father, what doest all yond hath't to doth with being joyous for the rest of thy life? Thee did doth sayeth, and i quote, "if 't be true i don't hath't a girlfriend by november, "i'll did let thee sign me up for perfectmatch. Com." yond wast last year. Well enow. - hither we art. - well enow. "what art thee looking for in a mistress?" well, thy mother forsooth did hath't something special. Yeah, illegal immigrant status. The lady did marry thee, did get citizenship, and then the lady did leave us. Yond's not entirely true. We did doth hath't some valorous times back at which hour the lady wast still trying to gull me. - well, i misprise that lady. - well, thee shouldn't. The lady did giveth me thee. - i am quaint most wondrous. - ye art. Ye art. Well enow, next question. "telleth us about yourself." did shalt we see. I knoweth a lot about sharks. Did let me cease thee right thither. Well-did doth build and a most wondrous hugger. Like a silver bow, grandma. Not as like a silver bow as this. What art thee doing? Beefing up thy profile with yond nifty video yond thee did maketh a few years back. Ma, nay. I don't knoweth. Don't thee bethink 't's a dram too, "ho, behold at me"? Well, yond is jump what we wanteth. Eyes on the prize. And don't worry, i wilt edit out the sweaty parts. Lief god! Ho! Back hence from the vehicle. Oh, lief god. Prithee. Chompers, receiveth down! Ho, thee knoweth whither a men's cubiculo is? I doth. Thou art gonna wanteth to wend to lord and taylor. They did get 12 stalls and heated seats. Well enow, keepeth the balls in the pit, kids. Kids! Well enow, mine lip is numb. All righty. - thither thee wend. - thank thee. Ho. Yeah, i knoweth. Yond's not did suppose to beest hither. 't's a minivan.. He can't dudgeon 't. The puck travels to the far board. He keeps the playeth alive. - paul! - ho. What is this? Yond's mine report on how to ease traffic flow from macy's down through the specialty shops. - how's yond working out for thee? - actually, 't's for all of us. Thee see, if 't be true we couldst reroute the customers hence from the food court, 't's gonna holp the kiosks and did doth cut down on shopper frustration. 't's thy classic two-bird, one-stone scenario. - can i asketh thee something? - aught. Wherefore can't thee just punch in, breaketh thee off and punch out like the rest of us? Safety nev'r doth take a festival. Did doth thy mother crochet yond on a pillow? Blart. This is sims. He's a new trainee. Did let him trail thee the present day. Ho. Paul blart. Ten-year veteran. Wow. Veck sims. Well, veck sims, welcome to the showeth. Did shalt we mount up. Oh, yeah. Yond's the valorous stuff. Yond's 't. Treat that lady gentle, son. Slap 't, honor 't. So what did maketh thee wanteth to pursue security? I nev'r did finish high school. This is all i couldst receiveth. Yeah, i'm currently working on becoming a state trooper, myself. Coequal but anon, i'm goose egg for eight. Hypoglycemia. Confusing, right? Did doth cut yourself some slack. Mine first week riding on the job, i did get did lose behind the sears. They did find me anon in the fetal position, sporting a full beard. I'm kidding. I can't groweth a beard. Mine uncle can. Stayeth snug. Anon, in the nonce yond thee approach an assailant, hither's what i wanteth thee to doth. Thou art gonna pull up, did leave hip fia, placing thy right handeth on thy hence hip thusly, giving the illusion yond thee hath't a caliver. Which, of course, we both knoweth thee don't. Well enow? But thee knoweth what we doth hath't? Our voices! We hath't our voices. If 't be true thee recall one thing from the present day, 't's this. The mind is the only weapon yond doesn't needeth a holster. Right. Like a silver bow. How long doth we receiveth for lunch? Half hour. But i englut in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time, five minutes to receiveth refocused. We did get a high roller. Sir, i'm gonna needeth thee to pull to the right. Prithee pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic. Tan doublet, red scooter, prithee pull to the right, out of traffic. Sir. Thank thee. Driving kind of recklessly back thither, sir. Thou art kidding. I don't gleek about shopper safety. I'm afraid i'm gonna hath't to issue thee a citation. Gonna needeth thy first and last. Last first. Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir. Prithee don't maketh this moo sore than 't needeth to beest, well enow? Art thee able to. Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning thee, sir. Thou art pushing 't. Sir. Sir. I am warning. Sir. Sir. Sir. Sir. Well enow. This is adding up, sir. He'll beest back. He'll beest back. He'll beest back. - ho. - good morrow. Doth thee needeth something? Aye. I'd like to welcome thee to our mall. Well, thank thee. Is thither something else? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just looking for some hair extensions. Needeth a dram moo volume up top. Doth thee doth men? Doth thee doth men hair? Doth thee doth men hair? On the men? Art thee the guy yond did crash into the minivan? I don't bethink so. Which one? Well, yond one. Yond one right thither. Yeah. Yond one, aye. Yond. Thee knoweth, yond one wast me. - oh, wow. Art thee well enow? - oh, yeah. Nev'r better. Although they're docking the paycheck quaint valorous. Yeah. Thee knoweth what thee shouldst doth? Thee shouldst receiveth the security tape, and then, like, selleth 't to one of those shows, thee knoweth, whither people crash into stuff. - valorous morrow to thee, sir, early retirement. - yeah, right? Volume. Right, did let me just see what i've did get. Yeah, this is blart. If 't be true thee needeth me, i'm ov'r by the kiosks. Who is't is this? 't's officer blart, reporting from sector 5. What the hell art thee bothering me for? - just a code b check. - what a moron. Thee knoweth, i'll check in with those folk anon. 't's quaint intense. Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard. - what, what? - nay, 't's just yond thee did doth sayeth security guard, and 't's perfectly acceptable. I'm so mine most humble apology if 't be true i did doth clepe thee the wrong thing. Nay, nay, nay, nay. Thee did doth fine, thee knoweth? 't's just yond thither's a huge, huge controversy brewing in the industry coequal but anon, whe'r the title shouldst beest security guard or officer. I'm sure thee did hear about 't. - i didn't. - thee wilt. Thou art gonna. - but i'm sure i wilt. - 't's out thither. So, thee all did set for the busiest shopping day of the year? Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday. This year, 't falls on a black friday, which means i belike did win't coequal receiveth a card. Everyone's too busy shopping. Thee knoweth what? Yeah. Autumn ash. - yeah. - i bethink yond's thy color. - i bethink this'll worketh. - 't's a winner. - so yond's $9.95. - $9.95? - yeah. - wow. At those prices, anon thee did get me bethinking ponytail. Valorous anon. Thank thee. Thank thee. - right. So thither thee wend. - well enow. And, thither thee wend. Thank thee, amy. Thank thee, officer blart. Ho, blart. Wow, nice shirt. Thee did wend with a medium? 't's a did bite formfitting, but yond's 'cause we're required to wear protective vests under our. Nay. Not buying 't. Nay. 'cause i don't see any vest underneath hither, so. Nay, but 't's a thick t-shirt. Basically like a thermal they hath't thee wear. Nope. Nope. Nay. I don't understandeth wherefore thou art laughing. I just did doth clepe thee bacon-did feed. I'm not laughing. Yeah, thither's few or none will entertain it. Amy. Ho, everyone's going to american joe's tonight, and i wanteth to see thee thither. Well enow? We're gonna did split some onion strings. Wow. Wow. Valorous. Valorous hang. Wow, yeah. Yond's most wondrous. Ho, blart, they needeth thee at victoria's secret. Well enow, roger yond. Well enow, i gotta wend. Well enow. Farewell. - i did find 't first. - nay, thee didn't. Ladies. Problem. What's the genesis? The lady's trying to taketh the last push-up bra in this size. Thither's gonna beest a new shipment tomorrow. They'll beest hither by noon. Well, i needeth this one anon. I hath't a date tonight. Very much? Is he blind? Heigh-ho! Waterproof shoes and baggies on the socks. Not mine first rodeo. Well enow, ladies, needeth to see some id. Nay, thee don't. Ma'am, i shouldst warn thee, i doth hath't the authority to maketh a citizen's arrest. So doest anyone. I couldst arrest thee coequal but anon. - yond's true. The lady couldst. - ho, not talking to thee. Well enow? Can i see thee for a second, prithee, ma'am? Behold, i understandeth thy sensitivity. I've did hath't some issues with weight myself. - art thee calling me bacon-did feed? - nay. Nay, nay, nay, nay. I'm just declaring i've been down yond road. I cullionly. I cullionly, i'm still on 't. We both art, thee knoweth? Stranded. Did shalt we visage 't, we englut to fill a void, right? But as lief as i did start eating healthier, i did notice i wasn't so moody. And ps, thy skin's gonna clear up. - can thee hold onto these? - sure. Ma'am. Thee. The lady's did get tremendous upper corse strength. Backup! Backup! The lady's biting mine neck. The lady's biting mine neck. Backup! Backup! Backup! Behold, i knoweth thou art new hither and all, but "backup" seemeth like a quaint universal term. Ho. Can i giveth thee a lift? What, on yond? With an inexperienced driver i would recommend nay, but with me, thee'll beest as safe as the president. I don't knoweth. Couldn't yond receiveth thee fired? Aye, 't couldst. Well enow. - is this valorous anon? - absolutely. And hither thee wend. Safe and sound. - '65 mustang. - yeah. Excit'ment fact for thee, a lot of people bethink the mustang wast named after the horse. 't wast actually named after the p-51 mustang. - yond's a plane. - i didn't knoweth yond. Well, thank thee for the ride, paul. Yond wast so much excit'ment. Nay problem. Hark, if 't be true thee ever, thee knoweth, needeth rides anywhere, dispatch, they can receiveth me. Thee knoweth. - or we couldst just text each other. - yeah. - yeah, giveth me thy cell phone. - mine cell? Yeah, and i'll punch mine number in. Did leave 't in the casuals. Thee knoweth what? Just giveth me thy number and i'll recall 't. - well enow. Eft? - yep. - valorous anon. 555. - not yet. Just. Anon i'm eft. - 555. - 555..01..01..78. - eight. Did get 't. Yond's 't. 't's locked. Most wondrous, so i'll see thee tonight at american joe's, right? Yeah, i cullionly, everybody's going, so. - yeah.. Wherefore not me, too? I'll beest. Yeah, i'm thither. - most wondrous. Farewell. - well enow. Farewell. - ho. - ho! Ho. Fain thee did maketh 't, paul. Valorous to beest hither. - excit'ment fact for thee. - this lodging sucks. - thee wanteth to receiveth out of hither? - nay. I'm mine most humble apology, what wast thee declaring? Nay, i wast just declaring yond the first american joe's actually did open its doors in 1972. And most people, because of its service and theme, bethink yond 't's derivative of abe and louie's, but 't's not. 't's its own thing. Thee very much knoweth a lot of facts, paul. Ho, blart, i did hear thee did get thy rampallian handed to thee by a bacon-did feed chick at victoria's secret. Well, i don't did hit distaff, - so i don't coequal knoweth what. - yeah. Just minivans, right? Ho, wherefore don't thee wend ov'r to the bar and grab yourself one of those girly drinks? - i'll meeteth thee ov'r thither. - well enow. Doest anybody else wanteth a drinketh? - 'cause stuart's buying. - nay, nay, nay. They're valorous. They're valorous. - so. They're valorous. - well enow. Ho, hark, i. We're basically already together, so. I wasn't. I didn't coequal realize yond. - and i wast. I wouldn't. Doing aught. - yeah. I just wanteth thee to grab a hold of 't, tight. - well enow? - i did get 't. I cullionly, 't's not like thee very much did hath't a chance, well enow? Security guard? Very much. But thou art a pen salesman, broth'r. Yeah, and i just did doth buyeth a camry, so thee can englut me. Valorous anon, bro. Back off. Thee knoweth, we're all just hither having excit'ment. Well enow, bro. What? Ho, grant thee mercy for getting mine back thither, brother. Security blood runs deep between. Yeah, did shalt we just wend. - round six. - did shalt we doth this thing. - gentlemen eft? - nay. Not yet. Anon i'm eft. Well enow. And, wend! Leon, i can't giveth thee the heimlich, so thee better cheweth. I knoweth. Did betoken thee, knave. Thee better hie up. Thither thee wend. Nachos in mine visage. Oh, mine god. These peppers. The peppers art hot. Oh, mine god. Oh, yond's a hot pepper. Nachos art valorous, sir. Better inform all thy cater-cousins, knave. Nachos about to beest gone. Thou art lagging behind. Cometh on, paul. Playing games. I love these nachos, i'll telleth thee yond much. - yond lemonade is insane. - yeah, paul. - yond's because 't's a margarita. - nay. I don't drinketh. Twist 't. Feeleth the nub. - ho, thee wanteth some? Hither. - yeah. Thee wanteth fruit? Farewell! Thee blinked! Thee blinked. Time to pluck the grape from the vine. Still did get the baggies! Hot jiggity. Coming on the did leave. False alarm. Did betoken mine mother everything about us. What art thee talking about? Thou art acting coy. Cometh on. 't's natural. Thee knoweth. Thee so knoweth. Nay, i'm mine most humble apology, paul. I don't knoweth. Snap. Pop goeth the weasel. So joyous! Yeah! Yeah! I believeth in charm! Nay way! I'm mine most humble apology 't didn't worketh out, lief. 't's fine, ma. - ho, father, wherefore don't we check for matches? - aye. Yeah, i don't bethink so, leman. I bethink i'm just gonna turn in. Well, how about something special for lunch tomorrow to cheer thee up? I don't bethink so, ma. 't's fine. If 't be true something's gonna worketh, 't would beest the sloppy joe. But yond would belike. Thee knoweth. Thee knoweth, if 't be true thou art doing the sloppy joe, doth the sweet potato fries. But 't. Thither's few or none will entertain it, thee knoweth. Well done. Yeah. Maya. Ho. Father. I'm so mine most humble apology. 't's well enow. Thither art other gudgeon in the flote. Thee just gotta keepeth looking. And 't doesn't matter what thee doth. Because once someone doth take the time to receiveth to knoweth the real thee, all bets art off. If 't be true 't doesn't worketh out, thee'll at each moment hath't us. I'm mine most humble apology, sweetie, i popped mine ears. I didn't heareth a word thee wast declaring. Thee just hath't to. Is yond a tattoo? I. Yeah, yeah, 't is. At which hour did doth thee receiveth 't? - i did get 't last night of all. - what is't? 't's the loch ness cockatrices. I don't drinketh. - ho. - good morrow. Yond wast a dram weird the other night, i understandeth thee not? Yeah, thee knoweth, 't did hath't its moments. Yeah. Wast one of those folk at which hour i did tryeth to maketh out with thy purse? Thee see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar in the blood. And what happeneth is the capillaries. Yeah, behold. A lot of people. Quaint much everybody, thee knoweth, tends to writeth me off. And if 't be true thee did doth, too, believeth me, i receiveth 't. I just. I guess what i'm asking is yond thee don't. Well enow. Thee knoweth, i'm mine most humble apology, i've just. I've gotta chinks mine paycheck ere the bank closes. I'm. Nay problem. Haply we couldst talk anon or something? - yeah, sure. Thee couldst just text me, or. - well enow. - yeah. - i can doth yond. I can doth yond. Thee knoweth, paul, everybody texts these days. I can't believeth thee don't hath't a cell phone. I'm not about all this technology, vijay. I prefer visage-to-visage interaction or a nice handwritten sentiment. 300 bucks? I did dig myself into a very much deep hole with this wench, thee gotta holp me. Prithee. Paul, thee've at each moment been a straight shooter, so i'll telleth thee what. Wherefore don't thee taketh mine daughter parisa's phone? - nay, i can't doth yond. - nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay. I'm punishing that lady. Nay. What with all the parties and yond ex-boyfriend pahud, the lady did wend ov'r that lady minutes. At which hour and if 't be true the lady decides to turn that lady life 'round, i'll simply taketh 't back. Until then, thee useth 't. - grant thee mercy. - sure. - stayeth within the minutes. - of course. Ho. 't's too late to wend in yond way, guys. 't's did close. - nay one's going in thither. - yeah. I bethink we art. Ho, yo, paul. Cometh hither, sir. Behold, i knoweth thee been humour down, so i did get this for thee. "the flibbertigibbet's crotch." feeleth the burn, baby. - grant thee mercy, leon. - receiveth back at me, sir. - loading dock's eft. - did get 't. Yeah. Thee needeth a pen, don't thee? Thee knoweth what? Nay, i'm valorous. - i'll just useth one of their pens. - yeah, thee doth. Aye. The summit 5280 fountain. - yond's stunning. - yeah, i knoweth. How would thee like to sign thy name with this panther? Thee knoweth what? Moo than aught. - yeah, yond'd beest most wondrous. - hither. Yeah. 't's yours. I insist. Oh, ho, guys. - ho. - ho. - ho. - don't thee just love fridays? - yeah. - most wondrous night of the week. Yeah. - fetch me. Mine most humble apology. - ho. Paul. Paul, can thee holp me out? I needeth to shoot ov'r to the bank for a minute. Thither's a few kids inside, just finishing up their games. Couldst thee close up the arcade for me? - yeah, sure. Nay problem, mr. Ferguson. - well enow. - thee well enow? Thee seemeth a dram down. - yeah, i'm fine. Thee knoweth, video game might cheer thee right up. Nah, i'm on duty. Welcome to the games! Receiveth did set. Wend. Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul. Game ov'r. We art eft. Did shalt we doth this. Attention shoppers. Prithee maketh thy way to the nearest exits. Unfortunately, the mall wilt beest closing early. - everybody out! - everybody out! Everybody out, anon! Thee, too! Good morrow. Ho! Ho! Thee did get me. I'm at the west orange pavilion mall. Ho, yo. Ho, thither's some crazy-rampallian people trying to taketh ov'r the mall. - i'm out of hither. - everybody on the floor! Telleth those folk to bringeth swat. Thither may beest hostages. What art thee doing? Receiveth down. Oh, mine god. Surprised? I knoweth. But hither's the craziest part. I'm the vaward. Reports art, they're inside the bank and they did get hostages. This is sergeant howard. I needeth four units 'round the back to secure the perimeter. See if 't be true we can establish visual. Report back to me immediately. Did shalt we receiveth all these civilians out of hither. See if 't be true we can gain access into the loading dock. - wend. - i'm on 't. 94, moveth 'em out. Valorous morrow to thee, sir? Humour alive? I'm mine most humble apology? Parisa. The lady maketh thee feeleth alive, doesn't the lady? This wilt beest pahud. Pahud, nay, i'm not with parisa. Mine name's paul blart. Parisa's father did take that lady cell phone hence, and he did lend 't to me. Doth not forswear to me, paul blart. Doth not forswear to me. Ye art belike reeking ov'r that lady coequal but anon. I'm not falsing. I cullionly, i am sweaty, but i'm not reeking ov'r anyone. Yond mistress is like an angelic goddess who is't only endues marry to this ordinary. Plus, the lady hath some crazy sexy feet. Paul, the teen of this breakup is far too much for me to bear, sir. Pahud, nay one can censure thee for being did upset. I cullionly, the holidays art tough enow without adding heartbreak to the card. Wow. Those folk's some heavy words, paul blart. Ho, life is heavy. Forsooth. Anon, ye art at the mall, i understandeth thee not? So wherefore doth thee not headeth ov'r to orange julius, calleth up mine cousin sameer oh? Telleth him ye art anon mine homeboy. He wilt hook thee up. Wait a second. How'd thee knoweth i wast at the mall? I track parisa's phone with gps. Don't thee judge me. Closing time already. Well enow, thither art 223 stores in this mall. Hither is a list of the 15 yond i needeth thee to did hit. And 15 for thee. Well enow. Anon this is the key to retrieve the codes from each store's credit-card machine. They changeth every day, so maketh sure yond thee bringeth me back the codes for the present day, friday. Veck, six guys in standard formation, just like thee did doth sayeth. Perfect. Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! And these dram piggies did wend all the way home. Doth 't. Gary usually delivers the leftovers to the mission. Ho, everyone. A couple requests. Kindly tie up the person beside thee, keepeth thy mouths did shut, giveth up thy cell phones, and as a general rule, doth as i sayeth. Thee doth all these things. Well, thee'll beest back at home in nay time. Back to thy mediocre liveth. - i don't hath't one. - amy. I wast hoping yond thee and i couldst hath't a whole bonnie-and-clyde thing going on. Thee knoweth, minus dying in a hail of gunfire, of course. What doth thee sayeth? Wend to hell. Ouch. Ho, stewie, thee don't mind yond i'm hitting on thy girlfriend, doth thee? What? Nay. The lady's not mine girlfriend. But i specifically did hear thee sayeth yond thee two wast "basically together." nay. I didn't sayeth yond we wast together. I did doth sayeth yond the lady's into cheveril gauntlet. Hath't at 't. If 't be true thee. God, thou art an clotpole. Valorous morrow to thee, sir? This is sergeant howard of the west orange police department. - who is't am i speaking with? - good morrow. Yeah, well, so hither's the deal. As thee learned the hard way, i hath't motion sensors by all the doors, so if 't be true thee wanna enter mine mall, thee might as well bringeth at least six corse bags. He's drilling the safe, and they hath't eyes on us. See if 't be true we can tap into the security cameras. Anon behold, nay one's gonna tryeth and enter the mall. Is thither aught thee needeth? Doth thee needeth any food? Doth thee needeth any water? Oh, sir. This broth'r doesn't deviate from the booketh at all. Thee knoweth, since thou art asking, i would love a joyous meal, thee knoweth, but. Maketh sure the toy is the flote cockatrices, 'cause i already hath't the dragon. Well enow, well enow, anon what is't thee very much wanteth? Silence. Ho, i'm mine most humble apology, mall's did close, but i can holp thee findeth the nearest exit if 't be true thee just telleth me whither thee parked. Sweet mercy. This is not happening, this is not happening, this is. Oh, god. Valorous anon, bethink, paul, bethink. Anon what art thee did train to doth? Nothing. Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report 't. Reporting 't. Yo, we did get a straggler. - 't's a security guard. - what shouldst we doth? I don't knoweth. Giveth up, i guess. Guys, what is wrong with thee? We stick to the plan. We did get a 911 operator connecting us with some guy named paul barth. He sayeth he's a security officer in the mall. Ho. Blart? He's one of mine guys. Paul, this is sergeant howard of west orange police department. The mall hath been taken ov'r, and they hath't hostages. I needeth thee to exit the building immediately. We don't needeth any wild cards in this situation. Copy yond. Nev'r been a wild card. Unless thee ponder the game of uno wild. - blart! Can we focus hither, prithee? - aye. Aye, sir. On mine way out. Well enow, well enow. Cometh on, don't kicketh the bucket. Don't kicketh the bucket. Blart. Don't pee. Don't pee. Guys, motion detector just did wend off at door 26. Everybody on 't. Amy. What the hell is he doing? Cometh on! - paul, cometh on! - paulie, cometh on! - what's he doing? - cometh on, blart! Blart, cometh on! - did shalt we wend! Moveth 't! - cometh on! Cometh on! - receiveth out of thither! - cometh on! Is he crying? - i can't leaveth that lady. - whither's he going? - blart! - whither's he going? Blart, receiveth back! Wilt thee talk to him, prithee? Blart, this is brooks. What's going on? Sir, i did take a sworn holidam to protect this mall and all inside 't. What holidam? We don't hath't an holidam. I sort of did maketh up mine own. 't's on a plaque in mine cubiculo. Hark, i bethink thou art making a big misprision. Swat's on the way. And i'm not gonna sugarcoat 't, thou art untrained, thou art unarmed, and did shalt we visage 't, son, thee present a huge target. With all due respect, sir, i can't observe and report from the outside. Ov'r. Well, sergeant, looks like thee did get thy eyes on the inside. Amy, paul blart hither. Art thee still in the mall? Sendeth. Did get him. Oh, mine god. Oh, god. Bethink. Bethink. Bethink, bethink, bethink, bethink, bethink, bethink, bethink! Bethink! Hold 't together. Heart of a warrior. I did miss lunch. Thank thee. This isn't happening, this is not happening. Ho! Don't maketh this hard. Thee like yond? Brooks, i did take out a wench, but the guy, he did runneth hence. - wow, paul, thee did get one. - aye. But did let the record showeth, i did doth not did hit a mistress. I just. I did put all mine weight on that lady. Oh, paul. Nay, nay, nay. The lady's fine, the lady's fine. Well, valorous, did shalt we receiveth thee out of thither. Nay can doth, sir. I am gonna finish what i did start. What the heck is this? Giveth me yond. Paul, this is sergeant howard again. Since thee refuse to cometh out, i'm gonna needeth thee to wend into the bank and findeth out whither they're holding the hostages. With honor, sir. Valorous to knoweth. Ho, i haven't did hear back from donner or vixen. Well enow. I'm calling an audible hither, everyone. And i needeth to receiveth this mall locked down from the inside immediately. Wherefore don't we just start wasting hostages? Yond'll cease those folk. Well, yond's one way to wend, but our hostages art the only thing keeping the cops outside. I'm commander kent. Mine team is deploying. I needeth this location did secure. - we did get a three-block perimeter. - establish a perimeter and receiveth all these people out of hither. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, this is all done already. Mine men art gonna doth 't again, the right way. Hath't thy guys falleth back, anon. Hath't thither been any demands? - a joyous meal and absolute silence. - well, did shalt we maketh some hurtling. I did get snipers at the eft, communications in check. Did shalt we tap into security anon, and did shalt we receiveth some visuals. Thee can't. They did knap out the video cameras. I'll beest eft to taketh on-scene hest in three, two, one. I'm in charge. Brooks, i'm observing the bank anon. They did get one assailant guarding the hostages. Thither the lady is. Mine, god. Ye art mine angel pie. Hither cometh the love sweats. Paul, thy radio's still on. Roger yond. - what's going on? Who is't is yond? - we did get a guy on the inside. Don't telleth me one of thy did beat cops is trying to beest a hero. Nay, he's neither. His name is blart. He's one of mine security guards. - wait a minute. Blart? - yeah. - paul blart? - yeah. Art thee kidding me? We did lay-to to berattle yond loser in high school. Giveth me yond. Blart. This is commander james kent. New jersey swat. We did wend to high school together. Recall? I did set thee on fire at the pancake festival? Oh, yeah. Ho, jimmy. Wend green hawks. Yeah, hark. I've did get 50 highly did train, cap-a-pe professionals out hither. At mine hest, we art retaking this location, and thither's nay way i'm compromising this mission so yond some mall monitor who is't did lay-to to englut lunch with his imaginary cousin can screw 't up. Mine most humble apology, jimmy, i did hath't the button did press. All i did hear wast "lunch" and "cousin." couldst thee doth me a favor and did put chief brooks back on? Hark to me, blart, ye art nay longer communicating with chief brooks. Is yond clear? Valorous morrow to thee, sir? Valorous morrow to thee, sir? Yeah? Oh, ho, paul, how thee doing? Well, 't looks like they did move the hostages into the teller area. I'm gonna receiveth a closer behold. Veck. Thither he is! - everyone in the back cubiculo, anon! - cometh on, moveth, moveth! Did shalt we receiveth in the back, i understandeth thee not? Brooks. I did lose visual on the hostages. I couldn't receiveth those folk out. But i knoweth who is't the vaward is. 't's veck. Veck? The trainee? - nay. The brainee. - i don't believeth this. I'll passeth 't on to howard. Oh, god. Did trap is fine by me. Commence tanning. Three, two, one. Yeah! Aye! Time for some big-game hunting. Ope, ope, ope! Thank god. Oh, nay. Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! We receiveth 't! Receiveth him! Receiveth him! Receiveth him! Thee better runneth. - rudolph, whither art thee? - i'm about to end this. Amy, i understandeth thee not? What a coincidence. We did get a cute dram redhead down at the bank named amy. - strawberry blonde, actually. - yeah? Well, i guess i knoweth who is't i'm killing first. - catcheth thee anon! - yeah? Well, 't looks like thee just did runneth out of mall. 't'll beest ov'r quick. The lady did win't feeleth a thing. Thee aren't gonna touch that lady, but ye art gonna feeleth this. Nobody wins with a headeth buttocks. - giveth me thy cell phone. - i don't hath't one. What art thee talking about? Every peat hath a cell phone. I prefer handwritten sentiments. Who is't art these sloppy joes for? And who is't did giveth thee this? They're mine. I'm late for mine shift at foot locker. We're getting the vaward on the horn. He wanteth to talk to thee. Silence, mine rampallian. What's the matter? Throweth a few jabs thy way, thee crisp up in a corner, suck thy thumb? If 't be true thee don't wend toe-to-toe with yond scumbag, he's gonna roll ov'r on thee all night long. 't's valorous anon. Yond's not mine style. Well, lest, i did write down a couple of clever comebacks, like. Hither. This is what thee been doing? "yeah, thee and what army?" - what's wrong with yond? - he hath an army. Everyone deserves a card on their birthday. So at which hour thee and rudolph wast laughing 't up back at the crib about how easy all this wast gonna beest, wast thee guys like, "sir, any brain-dead mall cop yond gets in the way is gonna receiveth smoked"? And then. And then what? Thee guys all high-fived? - veck, this guard is. - winning! I knoweth this, because i am all did set! But sadly, nay codes! And i'd sayeth, considering all the luxury items yond i hath't stacked up in mine amazon shopping cart, situation unacceptable! Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay. He looking. Giveth me a caliver. Did put 't down. Did put 't down. What art thee nodding about? I wast just wondering, wast thee serious about yond joyous meal? 't isn't coming, is't? What? This is commander james kent, new jersey swat. Thee did want to speaketh to me? I just wanna maketh sure yond nay one doest aught nay moo brain than stone. Thee shouldst knoweth mine men art deployed and eft to bringeth this thing to a resolution. The easy way or the hard way. Yond is such a tough calleth, but. Yeah, i'm gonna wend ahead and wend with c, none of the above! I'm amy, by the way. - amy? From unbeweaveable? - yeah. I'm maya. Mine father did talk still about thee. And i gotta sayeth, he very much doest like thee. I'm gonna throweth up. Oh, yond's not so lacking valor. Oh, mine god. They've did get his daughter. - father? - maya. - everything's gonna beest well enow. - how's thy blood sugar? Don't worry about me, well enow? I'm did worry about thee. I love thee. Valorous anon, anon, i'm gonna receiveth thee all out. Thee just hang in thither, well enow, sweetie? I wilt. I'm a blart, recall? Yeah. I'll see thee lief. I'm did suppose to beest on mine way to the cayman islands with the hostages. And whither the hell is rudolph? He shouldst beest back by anon. "if 't be true veck gets the codes, he's taking us to cayman islands"? Well, veck sims, welcome to the showeth. Cometh and receiveth me, veck. I did get thy codes for the credit-card machines. - yo, thee heareth yond? Yond's paul, baby! - blart? Yond's who is't's been screwing all this up? Thee hath't did get to beest kidding me. Giveth me a radio. Did let me telleth thee something. Thee taketh hostages in mine mall, ye art making a big misprision. Thee gravely undermissed. And thee gravely. Oh, nay! Blart? Sugar. Sugar. Blart? Thee thither, blart? Valorous morrow to thee, sir, blart. Thee thither? Ho, blart! I wast hoping we couldst receiveth an eta of at which hour thou art gonna giveth up. How about anon? I'll meeteth thee on the corner of ne and ver. Yeah, thee did hear me. Nev'r! Valorous anon, father. Ho, fellas! Thee looking for me? Cometh on. Cometh on, cometh on. Cometh on. Followeth me. Thither he is. We did get him did trap in rainforest cafe. Most wondrous. Wait for me. Thee knoweth, mine mother at each moment did doth sayeth, "if 't be true thee wanteth something done right, waste the guy yourself." i'm paraphrasing, of course. Thee stayeth hither. Prancer, taketh the back. Ho, thee. Scuba dooby-doo. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Can i hath't mine codes anon, prithee? Wherefore? Nay codes, nay cayman islands? Looks like paul blart did turn into quite the badass. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho. Relax. Nay. One thing i knoweth is paul blart is not a badass. Comet! Don't cometh back till he's dead! Brooks. Only one moo did leave. Then 't's just me and veck. Well enow, who is't's talking to blart? Wast 't thee, sugar that from which we speaketh? Valorous anon. Did shalt we tryeth this again. Wait! Nay, nay, nay! Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay! 't's that lady phone, 't's hers. The lady's talking to him. The lady's talking to him, and i did betoken that lady not to. And 't's under that lady leggeth. The phone. That lady right leggeth. Right thither. Yond's valorous. Well enow. Yond wast close. He is a pro. Hark, blart, time's up. We're busting in. Wait! Behold, veck's after the credit-card codes, and i did get those folk. Just giveth me a few minutes. Nay problem. Isn't yond cute? - ho, amy. I'm on mine way. - oh, ho, blart. Wow. Our knave stuart just did turn me on to thy profile on lonelyloser. Com. "likes morn rain, walks on the beach." who is't art thee, olivia newton-john? I wast just speaking from the heart. Yeah, well, i didn't hath't to wend online, paul, to knoweth yond thee love pignut brittle. Thou art so pathetic. Trippy. This i can useth. What doth thee wanteth, veck? I just wanteth the $30 million yond i did doth cometh hither for. But, thee knoweth, i would settle offing thy dream wench, or haply thy daughter. Thee touch those folk, i gage i'll end thee. What're thee gonna doth, paul? Thee gonna pull up with thy did leave hip fia giving the illusion yond thee hath't a caliver, which thee and i both knoweth thee don't? - i couldst. - thou art not gonna doth squat. The next time i see thee, paul, i'm gonna did put a bullet in thy headeth. I don't bethink so. I'm taking thee down. Blart! Oh, blart. Sweet mercy. I wish i did hath't a bat. I would did bust thee ope, see how much marchpane did fall out. - too tight! - this is not happening. - 't's not happening. - cometh on. Bravo. Yond wast like a silver bow. And thee wast just so close to making 't, too, paul. Just so close. - 't's not ov'r yet. - yeah, i bethink 't is. Anon the only thing i needeth art mine codes, which, judging from thy text messages, thee hath't been so sweet as to enter those folk into thy phone just for me. Thee bethink i'm gonna carryeth the phone with me yond actually enwheels the. - yello? - pignut blart and jelly. What's up, sir? So valorous to heareth thy voice. Yeah, 't's valorous to heareth thy voice, too, pahud. Hark, i'm gonna hath't to calleth thee back. - what? At which hour? - i don't knoweth at which hour. I'll talk to thee anon. Well enow, paul, calleth me back! Calleth me back, paul! I cullionly, this just keeps getting better and better. I cullionly, ye art impossible to underestimate. I cullionly, thee can't passeth the trooper exam, thee black out if 't be true thee don't hath't a snickers bar like every 20 minutes, thee did hath't the chance to beest the mvp, and thee did blow 't. Again, like thee at each moment doth. Ain't yond right, maya? What doth thee wanteth me to sayeth, veck? Thou art smarter than me. Thou art valorous on computers, thee did keep thy weight under control. I cullionly, people, they behold at me and thee, and. Yeah, 't's a landslide. 't's nay contest. Mine most humble apology. Coequal but anon, thou art the sir with the caliver. So hither thee wend. Cometh on! Wend receiveth him! Wend, father. What. Belike shouldst hath't capitalized on yond. Father! Lock and load, boys. We're going in. Ho, we're on the moveth. Did shalt we wend. Cometh on, cometh on, cometh on. Paul. Bethink, paul. Bethink! Did shalt we wend, men. Taketh 't down. Secure the suspects. Receiveth down! Hold thy fire! Hold thy fire! Down. The other one. Yond's the back one. Nay, nay. Yond's the same one. Nay! The other one! Veck did get hence with mine daughter and amy. Entry team, clear the mall. We'll pursue. Light. Ope the door. Did shalt we doth this. Jimmy, giveth me thy cell phone. Gotta handeth 't to thee, blart. Thou art very much taking care of business. What up? Pahud, doth thee still hath't gps on parisa's cell phone? Thee knoweth i doth, paul. Thee knoweth i doth. What can i doth for thee? I needeth to knoweth whither 't's headed. Paul, 't looks like they're on their way to mcguire airfield. I knoweth whither yond is. Grant thee mercy. Hang on. Mine god. Thither they art. Jimmy, taketh the wheel. What? Hither we wend! Hither we wend! Yond wast me. I can't. Hither i wend! Nay! Blart! Don't doth 't! Blart! Oh, god. Oh, god. Maya! Maya, receiveth inside. - oh, god! - father! Paul? I very much don't drinketh. Cometh on. Oh, yeah? - father! - cometh on. Father! Sir, yond hypoglycemia is a killer. I did betoken thee i'd taketh thee down. Blart! Very impressive, taking down an assailant without a caliver. I desire thee don't mind if 't be true i useth one. What? - oh, nay. - oh, yeah. I guess 't's off to the cayman islands then, i understandeth thee not? Lief as i receiveth mine wage. Yeah, well, thee'll beest needing this. Just giveth 't to him, father. Oh, i wilt. Suck on yond! Well enow. Situation update? We hath't seven assailants in custody, sir. - most wondrous. Nobody talks to those folk but me. - aye, sir. Thee see, jackass? I don't needeth the phone. 'cause i did get all the access codes writ on their armeth. Anon, i killeth thee three, thither'll beest nay witnesses. And since everybody thinkest this wast a bank. I did get a newsflash for thee. Thy flight's been canceled. Yond's better than aught i did get. Thee did doth valorous, father. Yeah, i am quaint most wondrous. Thee knoweth, the lady doesn't needeth a green card. I don't knoweth what to sayeth. I hath't something i wanteth to sayeth to thee. Joyous birthday, amy. I did hear thee did apply to beest a state trooper. Thee sayeth the word, mine department would beest fustian to hath't thee. Thank thee, sir. But i bethink i'm gonna stick with what i doth most wondrous. 't's protecting the people of the west orange pavilion mall.

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