The Gaping Asshole of the World (campaign)

The Gaping Asshole of the World is a campaign that takes place in Phallica. It follows adventurers who are tasked by Herman Cain to close the Gaping Asshole of the World in the year 208.3E. It is the first campaign to take place in Phallica, and it is where the majority of the lore of Phallica was established.

## Characters

The players use multiple characters throughout the story, either as a result of player death or character boredom. The list of characters is as follows:

### Ryan

#### "Space Man" (Sova Scrotia)

The Unnamed Alien Man was a space-faring creature that arrived on Phallica at an unknown time. Little else was known about him.

#### John Gottowt (Florida / The Badlands)

John Gottowt was a human monster hunter who specialized in vampire hunting. As one of the last survivors of The Order of the Free Cock, John was actively seeking out Cock Blockula to take vengeance for the destruction of his former guild.

#### Pizozo (Florida)

Nobody really knows exactly what Pizozo was, other than that he was "one with the shadows."

#### Garren (The Badlands / The Forbidden Woods)

Garren was a human registered mage who traveled with The Old Man. Garren protected him while searching for the famed Star Knight armor, a priceless and powerful artifact that was once a fairly heirloom.

### Joe

#### Gallius (Sova Scrotia / Florida)

Gallius was a human paladin of Frank the Fingerer who held the sole goal of destroying anything associated with the Church of Prostaticus and, unsurprisingly, fingering people without their consent.

#### Tirriph (Florida / The Forbidden Woods)

Tirriph was a half-elf paladin, later barbarian, who led the half-elves of the Forbidden Woods. After a

### Connor

#### Gremblo (Cockblockula)

A small, fat, inhumane looking chef who assisted the party in defeating cockblockula. Gremblo was a powerful warlock who seemingly had connection to Flavortown.

#### J. P. Loggins (Forbidden Woods)

J.P. Loggins was a self noble and prominent member of the Putpocker's guild. Out of necessity to stop the Elven Civil War, J.P. joined the party and assisted in assassinating the elven royal family.

## Story

The story is divided into several "regional arcs" during which the parties change and different parts of the story progress in different continents.

### Florida

#### Death of the Alien Man and Herman Cain's Quest

"Blah blah go here and you'll know what you need to do when it happens"

#### The Wizards of the Coast & The Spooklands

Get captured by jews, sent to spooklands, florida police department broke in, take giant as friend and travel to...

#### Assblastia

Meet with wiggle waggle, joe buys stick and torches, do douchebag quest, get potions as reward. Joe blows up church after finding wine and kids in it, survives.

#### The Gaping Asshole

Goes with Billy the Orc to go fight a legendary monster. Go inside cave, herman cain is there with 100 dead people, then exploded billy, then sent party outside to witness gaping asshole opening. Quest to close the gaping asshole, first by uniting florida then the world. Return to town with everyone freaking out, Joe finger blasts the governor to death. Philip and Gallius fought guards until Gallius died, at which point a giant stone figner rose out of the ground. Nax and John left with Philip to go to Gainesville, finding tirriph along the way.

#### Gainesville

Town of swole men. No women, every time they appeared they would get arrested and disappear. Miguel dressed up as a woman, Tyler mistaken for a woman after falling through a window. Followed by group down tunnels where women were held captive, being thrown into pot of protein shake. After destroying statue to gains goblin, it unleashed, stealing gains of all men and collapsing church. all women released. Philip get married to philipa.

#### Orlando

Find whole town on fire, crazy cult that worshipped mickey mouse. Fought the Mickey Mountain. Swore allegiance to party afterwards.

#### Fort Lauderdale

Nobody says town name, spells prevent them from reading signs or books. Party annoyed. Tirriph's butt tingled, go to see therapist Phoctor Dill. Slammed cross shaped butt plug into his ass. Told john cock blockula would kill him one day, which triggered john into killing him with a chair. Party leaves to bakc track.

#### Miramar

(Miramar has been retconned to be a thriving society of mages that didn't abide by the mage's guild)

On way there, miguel kept accusing rocks of being dangerous. Travel up magic lift. Met the operator gnome. Went to inn, kicked out because joe called him a jew then said "I'm going to start my own inn with blackjack and hookers". Tyler slept in tree, John slept in library while researching elf porn and cockblockula and Draconus Del Fuego, a dragon expert, Joe slept in tent, miguel slept by fountain. Miguel wakes up surrounded by little rocks in a circle. Later sees rock following him throughout the day. Tirriph found an abandoned building to start a hotel. Joe purchases inn for free at the town hall, which the owners said it's bad. Meeting Tirriph later, John concluded the hotel is definitely haunted, which Tirriph was ecstatic about because the hotel could be themed. John later hired the Ghost Hunters to chase the ghosts out while Tirriph renovated the house. Ghost Hunters instantly die, and the party is temporarily trapped in the house by a rock. The party eventually finds the ghost of Draconus Del Fuego in the basement, who explains to the party that he will explain to Nax how to permanently become a dragon if the party retrieves the bones of his dead crush from the graveyard. The party finds out the birdge to the grsaveyard is out so they visit the local carpenter to repair it. He said he only works with Cockwood, the hardest wood in the world that only grows in extremely inconvenient places. Woody Harrelson said he knows of a nearby cockwood tree hidden in a nearby douchebag encampment. The party departs to find the encampment overflowing with the lute playing douchebags. John refused to entertain the idea; the rest of the party was annoyed with douchebags and laid siege to their encampment. Tirriph received the most epic beatdown ever, while Nax got one shotted and Philip fled. Meanwhile, John goes to a farm and tries to band a girl but everyone there turns out to be vampires. John comes back and tries to negotiate the release of the party, and the douchebags make their terms that the fountain of eternal life must be found. John turned over the task to Philip, who found the fountain of eternal life. He grabs some of the water and rides a magic rock that's been following him around town back to the douchebags. He successfully negotiates the party's release, and the douchebags decide to up and leave, leavcing the cockwood for the party. Philip is mad they took literally everyting with them. They take the cockwood back to woody harrelson, who creates the bridge over the next few days. Meanwhile, the party slowly becomes conviced that there are some vampires in the town hunting them. Once the bridge is complete, the party sees an enormous graveyard. They dig up Del Fuego's dead unrequited love from her grave and retrieve her bones. As they do, the Gaping Asshole sends out a magic pulse that revives the entire graveyard. The party flees across the birgde while the town readies to defend itself on the bridge and hold back the undead tide. While the rest of the party held the line, Nax rereated into thebasdement with the bones to fulfill Del fuego's wishes. Nax goes into magical stasis, seizing, while having to watch the spirit of del fuego bang his lover. Meanwhile, the town's defenses failed miserably and they could not destroy the birdge in time. Undead flooded the town, pushing the party back near the town square. Nax is suddenly filled with the pwoer of del fuego, turning into an OP dragon and destroying the hotel while flying through the roof. Dragon nax burns the bridge and flys around slaughtering zombies. The town successfully fights back the horde, and ocne the battle is over, most of the population has died. John storms into the town hall, convinced they're all vampires and tried to kill one of them. John realizes they're all sketchy and goth but not vampires. The party leaves miramar, and Philip declares he's leaving the party to go hunt douchebags.

#### Palm Bay

Along their way to the next town, Palm Bay, the party is approached by an elf donned in golden armor. He identified himself as Rick Limes, an elvish warrior sent by Herman Cain to assist the party in closing the Gaping Asshole. On the path to the town, the party encountered shady merchants who posed no threat to the group, but they killed the merchants anyway and looted their wagon. Upon arrival at Palm Bay, the party approached the local Lord and found out civilians were being abducted at night. He informs the party that the wizard was sent to investigate the matter, but the wizard never returned. The party investigates the home, finding the place ransacked, with blood and multiple skulls all around. They find the wizard's beautifully written journal, detailing his investigation into the disappearances. The wizard notes people only ever disappeared at night, and only if they went into the woods. The party heads the gate at night and tied tirriph to a rope to pull him back if anything grabbed him. Tirriph is dragged suddenly with a greatdeal of force through the woods, and the party pursues him until he is dragged through a tree and out of the plane of existence. The party finds a way to force themselves through the same tree, and they arrive in a place that is eternally night with no sign of Tirriph. The party is pursued by unseen creatures and chased to a lit settlement filled with people. The party learned the inhabitants were all abducted similarly, and they discover the Tirriph along with the town wizard, a muscly man who only communicates by saying "BRAGGHH" in various tones or through elaborate drawings in a notebook. The wizard, who only identifies himself as "Braagh" and looks very much lijke a barbarian, leads the party to what he believes is the way to escape. They find themselves in a large clearing with where the party finds a tewisted treee that turns into a large demon. After the party nearly die to it, Braagh defeats the demon, removing its skull. The party escapes through another tree to leave the shadow dimension, with Braagh dragging the skull behind him. They arrive back in the outskirts of the town, but along the road, the group wonders if they came back to the right dimension. On the road, the party spots alternate dimension doppelgangers of themselves: van helsing, a red half elf, a green dragon, and a guy in silver armor. The party kills them to prevent relaity conflicts. They head into town, and the party slowly realises they aren't in an alternate relaity. Tirriph has sex with a prostitute and gets green dick. Braagh leaves while they visit the local lord. After the party mentions they found the wizard, the lord explains that's not the real wizard. He said that the muscly guy Braagh came into the city, seemingly killed the previous wizard, then put on his hat and declared himself the new wizard. The party qiickly returns the wizard's home only to find Braagh has gone, leaving an uncharatceristaclly well written note behind. The mayor actuallys the party for the first time.

#### Unmarked Town

The party stumbles across an unmarked, large town where the populace seems odd, making strange comments about "drinking their beef." The party decides to buy a mule from the locals, with Tririph claiming it as his own named "Stev" (Pronounced "Steve"). Refusing to deal with this shit, they skip the town with their new mule. Along heir travels, Rock Limes decides to stare intently at the mule, though he notices nothing unusual.

#### Miami

The pary heads over to miami with the intent of visiting the king. They are barred from entry, since the king's guard said the king was absent (and if he was here, they would definitely not be allowed to see him). The king was currently hunting a sea monster.

#### The Order of the Free Cock

John had the idea to visit his old castle to find siege weapons to help the king fight the sea monster, which Tirriph had a college degree in operating. The party travels east fo Miami to the castle only to find the door is locked. john realizes someone must have changed the locks, assuming squatters have taken over. The party grabs a ballista and shoots open the door. The party heads inside and find a great deal of rotting corpses, just as John left it; John fails to notice the corpses were riddled with lacerations instead . However, the place looked seemingly lived in recently, and they had the sense they were being watched. The party enters the armory and finds a mass grave of squatters, some very recently killed. As they realize somethign is wrong and try to leave, they are forced upstairs by a great deal of newly set traps. the group is corned upstairs by a towering man in victorian clothing who identifies himself as the knight captain Gascoigne of the order ofthe free cock. He explains that many of the members, after the great cockblocking of the order, did not immediately commit suicide via cyanide as per their oath. He took it upon himself to kill every member of the order of the free cock who failed to maintain their oath. He tells John that he was cockblocked by proxy and must die. Gascoigne, fighting with firebombs and swords, inflicts a great deal of damage to the party, causing them to retreat. Eventually Tirriph successfully grapples Gascoigne long enough for the party to deal damage. Gascoigne casts a spell that blasts Tirriph's buttplug out, releasing the soul of Gallius into father gascogine. While he is distracted by the possession, John quickly executes gascoigne, releasing the soul of Gallius once more. Gallius enter's Nax's ass instead.

The party grabs their siege engine and heads back to the local town to get the deed for the castle. On their way back to the town, Rick Limes decides to stare at Steve; after a period of time, he begins to hear screams echoing around him. After he breaks eyesight with the mule, the screams disappear. Rick Limes tries to warn the party about the mule, but the party dismisses it. Meanwhile, John learns that the deed to the castle was recently sold to a red haired woman heading to miami. On their way into Miami, they find a Battle Nun acolyte who matched the description preaching about prostaticus. The party approaches her about the deed, and after an engaging conversation with Tirriph about turning the castle into a church-hotel. Believing in Tirriph's cause and realizing it could aid her own, she joins the party.

#### Phoctor House

The party decides they need to remove the spirit of Gallisu from Nax's asshole and visits the office of Phoctor House, who fits the party into his schedule to perform an Assorcism. After a rigorous ritual, Phoctor House successfully extracts the spirit of Gallius from Nax Felzora's anus.

#### The Demonologist

Feeling concern over the possible danger of the demon mule, Rick Limes pays a solo visit to a local gnome demonologist. After hearing Philip's story, the demonologist says that while it s possible for the mule to be a demon, further evidence and more witnesses are required to confirm before he can provide help.

#### Sanh

While the remainder of the party carries out individual missions, Nax visits the mage's guild within the capital, seekin guidance about how to become a full dragon. He seeks out the office of a mage known as Sanh, as given to him by Draconus Del Fuego. Nax finds a young red-haired mage who briefly touches on how to become a dragon and says she will teach him when he arrives the next day. Nax goes alone then ext day while the party does dmb shit and finds Sanh is missing. He sees a secret passage in her office leading down to dark tunnels. He follows them down to a large chamber where he is knocked unconscious. After Nax is missing for themajority of the day, the party seeks out Nax within the mage's guild. They bullshit their way into the guild and make their way to their office. They question Sanh until they realize they are speakibng to an illusion. After invesditagting her office, they find a way t unlock a secret pssage. They follwo it down and eventually find nax strapped to a bed unconscious in a chamber with BDSM gear and torture tools all over the room, although he appears untouched. Sanh agrees to relinquish Nax, saying she did what she needed to help him become a dragon. Though the group is skeptical, Tirriph is convinced that Sanh is fit for Nax and vows to get Nax to bang Sanh.

#### Confronting Steve

Nax regroups with the party, and Rick Limes confronts Tirriph about Steve. He concinves john to look into the mule's eyes, and afte john hears thei tnense screaming, he agrees that the mule is psosessed. The party attempts to kill Steve, while Tirriph attempted to defend hisp rize mule. Stev casts calm emotinos, the party stops fighting, Stev disappears, Tirrioph runs to the castle with his ballista that he pushed to the former castle of the order of the free cock, at the castle he tries to turn it into a church-hotel and angrily abandoned the party work on the hotel. The party recruits the demonologist to help them purge steve. At the castle, Nax tries to stop Scarlett from falling, but fumbles and inapparopriately grabs scarlett, which she interoprets as rape. Scarlett takes out a rape whistle, and blows upon it. After 10 minutes of arguing, a battalion of Battle Nuns comes out of the fortes,t seeking to aid scarlett against 'rapists'. The Nuns attempt to arrest Nax for rape, but Scarlett diffuses the situation. The Battalion departs. The party is informed via messwenger that tjhey have been summoned by the king of lforida.

#### The Fall of Miami

The party reutnrs to the royal castle in Miami, and during their royal meeting, the party summons herman cain using his special incantation <insert here>. Herman cain affirms that the paerty as his chosen, which the nobles accept. Herman cain departs, and as the king is speaking with the party, Stev teleports into the room and instantly kills the king. As the nobles flee the palace, Stev resurrects the king as a zombie. Tirriph screams NO and accuses the king of being a betrayer. Tirriph, Philip, Nax and Scarlett all attempt to kill Stev while John dueled the king. During the course of the fight, John is injured. Scarlett moves to intervene and assist John, but she is immediately killed by the resurrected king. Stev is killed by the party, and Tirriph, in his rage, punches Stev into a pulp.

The Gaping asshole suddenly flares and poops out shitloads of demons charging towards the city. A dragon (presumably Sanh) starts torching demons. Afterwards, Tirriph grabs her body and John tries to rally the troops with a bad speech to defend the wall. While John and Nax goes to defend the wall, Philip and Tirriph are sent to help rally additional troops. They visit the Church of Prostaticus, where Pihlip and Tirriph become frustrated at the head priest's unwillingness to help while he diddled kids. Tirriph suplexes the priest, while Philip kicks the priestess in the crotch. As the party members flee the building, the priestess blows her rape whistle.

Meanwhile on the wall, Jimmy is exploding many demons but everything is going poorly. Demons started to scale the wall, while wide sections of the defenses started collapsing. John and Nax decide to retreat from the walls, and while the city becomes overrun with demons, they meet up with Tirriph and Philip by the docks. Sanh arrives in her dragon form, dispelling her form and falling from the sky naked, breaking her legs on impact, after which John scoops her up. Seeing Braagh's ship ayt the dock, Tirriph barrels his way through refugees, knocking them off the docks to clear a path. The party boards Braagh's ship and they flee Miami as it burns behind them.

#### Braagh's Ship

As the boat sails into the western sea, Tirriph retreats to a private room in the underside of Braagh's ship where he continuously mourns over Scarlett's corpse. Sanh and Braagh become fast friends while she heals herself. John and Nax decide that Herman Cain is no longer trustworthy or likeable. The party discovers a stowaway on the ship: a party magician named Dickspackle, who had a strong affinity for placing playing cards within the rectums of the party. Dickspackle and Philip begin terrorizing Braagh and discover his ship is mostly filled with skulls.

#### The Battle Nun Armada

The party continues their journey north until they see an armada of ships bearing the flags of the Battle Nuns of Prostaticus rapidly approaching Braagh's ship. John, realizing they have the mangled corpse of a Battle Nun in their basement and a barely clothed woman with broken legs, heads to the underside of the ship to warn Tirriph to throw Scarlett's body overboard. Tirriph, angered by John's suggestion, barricades to door to continue mourning Scarlett.

Upon making contact, the Battle Nuns, headed by Femdiral Alicia, board the ship. Femdiral Alicia explains that they are responding to a Battle Nun rape whistle sourced from Miami. Braagh objects to their boarding, while Sanh limps her way over with broken legs, fabricating a story about the party's mistreatment of her. Femdiral Alicia announces that the party is under arrest for mansplaining and human trafficking of a woman, and their ship will be promptly searched and seized while they are taken into custody.

The Battle Nuns search the ship and come upon Tirriph's barricaded room, on the other side of which they could hear extremely loud, deprave, sad, pathetic wailing. The Battle Nuns forced their way into the room, where they were met with the sight of a decaying Battle Nun acolyte's corpse cradled in the arms of a blood soaked, large sobbing man, who was repeatedly saying "I''m sorry" over her body. They declare Tirriph under arrest for the murder of a Battle Nun and attempt to separate Tirriph from Scarlett's body. Tirriph begins to fight the Battle Nuns, whereupon he is beaten into unconsciousness. Before he is separated from her, Tirriph grabs a locket of her hair.

All members are taken on board the Battle Nun capital ship, where all members are forced into prison cells while Sanh and is taken to private quarters. Scarlett's body is taken as well. The party is interviewed one by one by Femdiral Alicia, questioned on the series of events about Scarlett. Every party member gave different stories: John gave a truthful story, Braagh was not understood at all, Nax made himself slightly less bad through lies of omission while giving a relatively truthful story, Rick Limes pretended to not speak Common, Dickspackle insisted the party definitely killed Scarlett and is guilty of human trafficking, among many other crimes, and Tirriph just cried.

Femdiral Alicia informs the party they are hereby sentenced to death, and they will be swiftly executed the next morning. In the midst of the night, Sanh breaks the party out, and together, they escape on a rowboat. After realizing rowing was too slow, Sanh decides to fire magic behind the boat to accelerate it. The party reaches the shore at Mach 7, catapulting the party out of the boat on the shores of north Florida.

#### Tampa

The party wakes up in the morning, finding Braagh noticeably missing. The party decides to adopt new aliases now that they are wanted criminals by the Battle Nuns: John Gottowt is now Jon Getout, Tirriph is now Hpirrit, Nax is now Fel'zora, Rick Limes is now Rick Lemons, and Dickspackle is now Rich Chrome. After being unable to locate him, the party visits a small town to purchase supplies and take shelter. Sanh expressed disbelief that they didn't kill anybody. The party eventually visits the much larger town of Tampa, which did not have the Battle Nun headquarters at the time. Tirriph mistakenly enters a Battle Nun convent, slips like an anime character and falls face first into a Battle Nun's ass. Tirriph and the party flee the town into the woods, where the party hid out with Sanh. The party learns she had arcane dust; Rick Limes and turiiph tohught it would befunny to give John arcane dust as aspirin. While John tripped balls, Rick Limes thought it looked fun and did some arcane himself. Tirriph also decided to snort arcane dust, but accidentally inhaled too strongly, creating a horrifying vission of spiders on his body. In his fear he created a cloud of arcane dust that everyone inhaled. Everyone began to trip balls, and accidentally fell into Sanh's bag of holding.

#### Sanh's Hole

Party finds a castle in a black void in which the party finds multiple rooms in. All members begin searching different rooms, with spooky stuff everywhere. The party finds akithcen, with a single drawer that says fon't tcouch. They touch it, and potatoes start pouring out infinitley from the cabinet. Tirriph takes a potato and eats it, and the party evacuates theroom ,closing the door behind them. A minute later, Tirriph begins to feel extremely ill while exploring, vomiting blood, and dies. From a closet emerges a large man with a face that loojed like plastic wearing royal garb, identifying himself as "The Burger King" and only spekaing in third person. The part,y, terrified of the man, tries to kil him and remove his mask, but discovered it was fused to his face. The party leaves the castle to try to find Sanh, where they find a twisted copy of Miami in the past with a dated king statue. The party goes to investigate the dilapidated mages' college, and the party tries to escape by walking to the edge of the world, jumping off or something? The party then ends in a room, where they die a billion times or something and Sanh turns out to be immortal?

The party awakens in the forest, covered in arcane dust and the Battle Nuns are nowhere to be found. Tirriph is gone, replaced by the Burger King. The party assumed Tirriph died for real inside of Sanh's hole, and they continued north with the Burger King, who would not stop following the party.

#### The Orc Border

After arriving the orc border, flooded with refugees fleeing florida, the entire party is allowed through except the Burger King, who doesn't have an id and only says his name is the burger king and has a scary mask. He is sent to a cell with a ton of illegal immigrants, where he cast a plague spell which gave everyone AIDS, who all tried to shank the burger king to death. Then the Burger King beat everyone to death, and he used his dislocating neck to slide through the bars (head does a 180) and says to the guards "The Burger King is displeased with the current state of affairs." The guards let him go out of fear, where he meets up with the party and heads into the Badlands.

### Badlands

#### Border Patrol Incident

En route to Orktown, the party runs into a mounted orc patrol. Dickspackle, suddnely overcome with fear of Pizoso (he who shall not be named, explained, or mentioned) attempted to attack the orc guards, who was swiftly beaten to death. Rick Limes, in an attempt to avenge Dickspackle, also attacked the guards, and was swiftly beaten to death. The entire party is then arrested for being accomplices.

#### Ballz Deep and Ballz Shallow

The party is then imprisoned at an output along the highway, where they find themselves with seemingly nobody. From a barrel in the corner of the room emerges two small purple creatures, utterly identical except for a moustache on one. One furiously played the didgeridoo while the other interpretive danced to it, and they only communicated via looks and eyebrow movements. The Burger King somehow determines their names are Ballz Deep and Ballz Shallow, though the party does not know which is which. Sanh, angry at the party for being captured, blows her way out of the prison, swearing off the party and telling them to go fuck themselves.

#### Orktown

The party escapes along the highway to Orktown, where they attempt to get supplies and money through odd jobs. Ballz Deep and Ballz shallow tried to be street performers to get money. The party accepts a quest from a local farmer to protect his chickens at night from what he thinks is wolves, which Nax & John do not participate in. While hiding Ballz Deep Ballz Shallow and The Burger King begins to hear Trap Queen rising in volume from the distance. A horde of black people begins to raid the farm, led by man singing the song who identifies himself as Fetty Wap.

The party takes cover inside the farm, where Ballz Deep and Ballz Shallow are instantly killed by Fetty Wap's incredible magic. The Burger King gets his dick stick in a mimic and dies to Fetty Wap as well. A giant status bursts forht from the farm and their corpses, forever immortalziing he burger king and the balls brothers in 100m tall carved storne form arranged like a human centipede.

Meanwhile in town, reality is falling apart. John and Nax consult the local Ork shaman, but he tells the group that the Plot is upset and needs to be rectified through sacrifice. John and Nax fight to the death, and Nax is barely victorious, caving in John's skull with a rock.

Reality restores itself, and Nax passes out.

#### The Hole

Nax wakes up on trial for the murder of the whole party, Sanh is his defense lawyer and gets him out, taking him to a cave, insisting she still hates him, and leaves. Nax comes across an argument between a group of individuals at a crossroad. Nax rexcognizes one of them his old friend Philip and his bison companio,n sprinkles, as well as a young angry man in ill fitting armor, an old man with a curly beard and white hair donned in a robe with a staff and satchel at his side, and a man in oriental garb of an unknown race and origin frantically yelling in an unknown language.

Herman Cain appeared to the group of people, naming them his new champions and noting he is their one true god. After Herman Cain departed, the Old Man notes to Garen that he knows for a fact, due to his old man crazy hermit knowledge, that only two true gods exist, and thus Herman Cain is no god and therefore untrustworthy.

Garen, who held a map that revealed the locations of his family heirloom, the Star Knight Armor, noted on the map that The Hole was marked with the phrase "Here!" The party went to the location to investigate. The party embarks on a tour to explore the tourist site, an underground cave with a seemingly bottomless pit in the center. While on the tour, the Old Man noticed engravings of strange symbols on the walls, which he was writing down.

Some of the tourists suddenly began convulsing before rapidly turning into monstrous creatures with twisted faces, jutting limbs, and butts for faces. The party fights their way through hordes of monsters, finally escaping the Hole with a handful of other tourists. They are bewildered to find that the tourists are oddly excited, seeming to have had fun. After Garen questioned one of the employees, the party learned that the monstrous event is a standard, natural tourist attraction. Garen views his map, seeing the words "DON'T GO" appeared before the "HERE!" at the Hole. The party departs, angry and in disbelief.

#### Orkville

Arriving at Orkville, Garen noticed another mark on his magic map in town. Garen finds one of the Star Knight armor pieces locked in a shrine guarded by many Orc Shamans. Upon further inspection of his map, he sees the piece is in a different location in town, informing him that the one on display is a fake. Meanwhile, the Old Man, keen on trying to learn Katsuro Takayuki's strange language, stumbles upon the words "Hiroshima" and "Nagasaki," which causes Katsuro Takayuki to burst into tears and become distressed. The Old Man misinterprets his tears as tears of joy, leading him to believe that "Nagasaki" and "Hirsohima" are culturally significant, positive things. The party discovered the actual armor piece is hidden within the local Chieftan's home. After breaking in and acquiring the armor piece, the party escaped disguised as mice. Somehow, the Chieftan knew some mages were afoot and rounded up the town to determine where the stolen armor had gone. After the party had been singled out as the only non-Orcs and newcomers, the Chieftan determined the party was guilty and sentenced them to instantaneous death without a trial. While Philip screamed "Kangaroo court" and the Old Man argued the failure of their justice system (or lack thereof), the party was prepared to be beheaded. Before the axe was swung, a magical cloud appeared above the town, showering explosive meteors on the chieftan and townsfolk. As Orkville and its denizens burned, Sanh revealed herself as their savior before escorting them out of the soon to be destroyed Orkville. An exhausted Sanh fainted, prompting Garen to carry her to safety outside of the burning town. While taking shelter elsewhere, Sanh wakes up, sneezing and mistakenly exploding Katsuro Takayuki. Sanh felt little bad about the incident, saying "He was an asshole anyway." The Old Man was furious about the incident, chastising Sanh for casually murdering Katsuro as well as civilians. Sanh, feeling personally attacked, angrily teleported away.

#### Orkplace

On the way north, the party came across a bridge guarded by a troll bearing a resemblance to a very large Danny Devito. After pestering the group and forcing them to pay the "Troll Toll," the party simply killed him and moved on.

While on their way to Orkplace, they saw multiple flying demons pass overhead into the town before descending on the village. The party rushed in to assist, killing some of the demons before additional flyers arrived and overwhelmed the town. When additional Orc reinforcements arrived, the party retreated and hastened their journey to Orkadelphia to meet the Orc King.

#### Orkadelphia

Group leaves the Temple of Dank Kush. Jumped by Free Dragons. Get annihilated, Nick Cage kills guy with teleportation. Joe raises zombies, Garren disapproves. Nicholas Mage goes invisible, runs into North Orkadelphia. Group goes to Temple of Dank of Kush for advice and weed supply. Buy some chicken from Chieftan Sanders's Orkadelphia Fried Chicken. Group dresses in robes, Garren cross dresses and dyes his hair pink. Sprinkles eats so much weed that his skin becomes weed, soaked with chicken grease, then lit on fire. All the weed on his body creates dank cloud. Make It Bun Dem plays. Party slow walks through powerful cloud of smoke, stopped by wall of Crips. Philip has the leader smoke Declaration. Bloods come from behind, also smoke dank kush. Gang leaders make out, party goes inside dive bar. Find security station, charm guy. Find closet of cloaks, sneak into auditorium. Listen to speak about the plan to use the tunnels under the city to smoke all of its inhabitants so the leader will be invincible with plot armor. Old Man sends owl out to deliver message to authorities. Nick Cage paralyzed. Q&A, Garren asks "Are traps gay?" Everyone leaves, distraction formulated. Nick Cage stops time, investigates stage, pulls lever. Philip creates Snoop Dog, followed by Aaron Kitcher as illusions to play music. Old Man fakes being shot with Garren. Nax lightning blasts 95 people, tackled. Nick Cage finds trap door, Sprinkles eats a guy, then him and Philip escape. Garren fireballs everyone off Nax, rescues him. All flee through tunnel as cage locks the door behind them.

### Schitt Stayne

#### Geronimo Bay

Tirriph is captured at the wall by the Party Demon while Nax teleports away to the Sisterine Chapel.