Cogs Can't Take a Joke

**"Cogs Can't Take a Joke"**is the seventh episode of *Rewritten* and the 7th episode overall.

It was published on July 8, 2017.

In the episode, the Toons learn of a way to defeat the Cogs and begin to train under the august Toon Resistance.

## The Episode

=====Toontown=====

===Present Day===

The eleven Clark siblings, sans Herb, who was still missing, clustered around the red mouse and pink mouse in the former trolley depot, now the first Gag Shop. Clara Clark was overflowing with excitement. Herb was alive, he was okay, he had survived. And she was about to learn how to defeat the Cogs: the Gags. The two creators of the gags were the two mice before them. One was named Dr. Kilo Byte. He had large glasses and a genuinely kind face. The other was a pink mouse named Dr. Hyla Sensitive. She absolutely 100% had the hots for Dr. Byte. The tension in the room was high.

The two mice were behind the counter, laying out one of each Gag. Clara swept along the line with her eyes, counting well over 30. She saw to her surprise that a good number were just a blue box with a red button. What did those do?

Behind Clara and the her siblings was Eileen Irenic, Toon Resistance founder and now interim Mayor. Clara had only met her a few minutes ago when she had asked the family to assume the task of governing the new Gag Shops. Of course they had accepted; they were once in charge of the dying Trolley Depots. Replace a bad job with a good one.

The Trolley Depots were once quite prominent. They imported goods from outside Toontown. But after the first few decades, more and more settlements died off or were invaded by...

Clara shuddered. Ultimately, the Depots only began to ferry goods within Toontown and with delivery services on the rise, the Depots were becoming obsolete.

Thankfully, now she would not be unemployed. Nor would her siblings.

Dr. Kilo Byte cleared his throat. Clara's brothers Lenny and Phil stopped talking. Jill and Penny moved closer to the desk, their faces alit with jubilee.

"Thank you for coming," Dr. Byte said as if it was a service to him. "These are the Gags." He gestured to the assortment before them. "They will defeat the Cogs. They do."

"They've been tested?" Bill Clark asked.

"Yes," Dr. Sensitive responded now. "They successfully removed the Cogs from Toontown in the time you were gone. All of them are effective."

She quickly explained the Etiquette Algorithm and the common form of battle. Clara listened with rapt attention. How incredible. These two were remarkable geniuses.

"The premise is quite simple," Dr. Byte said, though Clara doubted it. "Cogs are incapable of understanding jokes. Impossible for them. It's not in their DNA. We, the Toons, love jokes and its part of our culture in Toontown. If we use these gag jokes on the Cogs, they are weakened."

"The best part," Dr. Sensitive said, basically bouncing on her toes, "is that even if the Cogs can recognize a Gag is coming their way, they can dodge it but they cannot forever avoid it. They will *never* understand the jokes. They can never be immune to them. They cannot rewrite their DNA to accept them, because they literally cannot comprehend what a Gag is."

The room was in a stunned silence. It actually was simple enough. Cogs could not take a joke.

"You can go first," Dr. Byte said to Dr. Sensitive. She shook her head quickly.

"No, no. We should go by track. Toonup is yours..."

"But yours are so clever and mine are not..."

"Oh stop it. Everything you created is fantastic."

"You think so?"

Clara couldn't help but smile. The tension had only grown thicker. She could carve it with her tooth, it so was palpable.

Finally, Dr. Byte and Dr. Sensitive stopped squabbling and Dr. Byte moved to the far end of the line.

"There are seven tracks of Gags," he explained. "Toons will need to be trained in the art of using each of the seven tracks to master them. Lower level Gags are easier to use and control and aim, but higher levels are more difficult. The good news is that higher levels do an enormous amount of damage on the Cogs."

"Also," Dr. Sensitive interjected, "because of the demands required of training, we only recommend that Toons become proficient in six Gag tracks. Throw and Squirt are compulsory, we think."

Everyone nodded. Clara could feel the excitement in her boil. She wanted to see the Gags in action.

"The seven tracks are called," Dr. Byte said, holding out a paw to count off, "Toonup, Trap, Lure, Sound, Throw, Squirt, and Drop."

Each one sent a wave of exuberance through Clara. She could see the rabbit ears of her siblings perk up. Eileen Irenic was smiling.

"Dr. Byte," Sensitive said, "cleverly developed the Toonup, Trap, Lure, and Drop Gag tracks. He will now explain the first three to you."

"Thank you, Hyla," Dr. Byte muttered. He cleared his throat again. He began with Toonup.

He lifted first a feather, then a megaphone, then a tube of lipstick, then a dancing cane, then a handful of sparkles, then three juggling balls. He explained each one in detail and how when used in battle, they could restore a Toon's laff. He demonstrated the lipstick on Dr. Sensitive. He blew a tangible kiss at her and her spirits visibly soared. He also juggled for the room and everyone laughed, their laffs climbing.

Next came Trap, a Gag track designed to damage Cogs by luring them into traps. It was paired with the next track, Lure. Dr. Byte demonstrated the Cog love for money and how it factored into many of the Lure gags. He also used magnets to pull metal objects from across the room. The bigger blue magnet, he explained, would be more effective in luring Cogs of bigger sizes and levels. The most interesting, Clara thought, were hypnotic glasses. Dr. Byte performed the hypnosis on Penny, who draped her arms in front of her and zombie-walked toward the counter. When the effect subsided, she laughed.

"Zany," she said.

Trap was an endless parade of fun. Banana peels, marbles, standing on a rake. The Clark family was bent over laughing. Dr. Byte was the test subject on these, and gladly slipped over a banana peel and slammed his foot on a rake, sending the pole up into his face. Hyla Sensitive was reluctant to lure Byte into the trap, but he did it willingly. The next Trap Gags were not demonstrated. Quicksand, trapdoor, and TNT. They were too dangerous, Byte said, to use on Toons. But they dealt an extreme amount of damage, more so than their other track counterparts. TNT was especially powerful and not meant to be funny, not really. He said it would blow the Cogs apart. Clara swallowed hard. It sounded violent. That explained the blue boxes with red buttons: they summoned the Gags.

Dr. Sensitive then came forward and explained the Gag tracks she developed: Sound, Throw, and Squirt. Sound, she explained, could be used on all Cogs in battle at once, a maximum of four. It therefore dealt a smaller piece of damager per Cog. Understandable, Clara thought. Of the Gags, her favorite was the fog horn, which emitted a low hum of noise. Oddly relaxing.

Throw and Squirt were fairly straightforward: throwing food at Cogs, or squirting them with water. Squirt seemed more elaborate, as eventually it involved hooking a hose to a fire hydrant and blasting a Cog. The last Gag in the track, called the Storm Cloud, was also contained in a blue box with red button. This was the first time they were going to see it tested and Clara moved closer to the counter to see. Dr. Sensitive turned toward Dr. Byte and pressed the button. A grey cloud appeared over Byte's head, and then rain poured down over him. The room fell silent.

Rain.

Memory rain.

Exodus.

The memories were too painful. Clara herself turned away. This what apparently not the effect Sensitive and Byte were expecting. They quickly moved on to the final track: Drop.

Every single one of the Gags was a blue box with red button. These were, once again, too dangerous to demonstrate on a Toon, so Byte and Sensitive led the family and Eileen Irenic outside to the backyard of the Gag Shop. Three Cog dummies were standing against the wall, made out of what seemed like straw. Scarecrows, they looked like. Sensitive gestured for everyone to stand back. Dr. Sensitive watched with evident pride and alacrity.

Dr. Byte turned to the first Cog dummy and pressed a button. A flowerpot materialized out of the air and dropped on top of the Cog, flattening part of its head. Clara and her family roared with laughter. The Cog looked hilarious. Dr. Byte then dropped a sandbag, then an anvil. Everyone was cackling. It was one of the funniest displays Clara had ever seen. She could hardly wait to drop an anvil on a real Cog, make them pay for what they did.

"Stand back," Dr. Byte said again.

He pressed the fourth Drop Gag button. An enormous mass of metal slammed out of the sky on top of the first Cog dummy, completely flattening it. To a sheet of straw. The metal had "1 TON" prominently displayed on the front.

"Big Weight," Dr. Byte said simply. Next he turned to the second Cog dummy.

A fat safe fell out of the sky.

Clara was speechless.

The last Cog dummy was the most surprising. When the button was pressed, the sound of something falling. Clara saw Will Clark take a step back, recognizing the sound as that of a falling Cog building.

But instead, a huge brown grand piano slammed on top of the third dummy. The keys splintered off, making a cacophony of incoherent notes. After a few seconds, all three Gags shrunk to nothing, revealing the flatness beneath.

"That was..." Eileen Irenic whispered. Dr. Byte and Dr. Sensitive listened with growing anticipation.

"Awesome," Eileen finished. The Clark family loudly clapped. Dr. Byte and Dr. Sensitive bowed. They passed out binders to each member, containing the details of each Gag.

Eileen then turned to speak to everyone.

"There are six Gag Shops in Toontown, one in each neighborhood. I know you all live in Toontown Central, but you can decide among yourselves who wants to work where. Two per shop. You are of course free to mix it up as you see fit, but if you could work out your first assignments by tomorrow that would be most beneficial."

"I want Melodyland!" Ray Clark immediately called. He nodded to his sister, Doe, who eagerly stepped to his side. They were the musical ones of the family. No one would fight them for Melodyland. Working in pairs around Toontown was what they had done in the Trolley Depots, but during that time their parents had enforced their assignments. Only a few of them were truly happy in their respective Playground.

"I would like Toontown Central," Clara said, expecting resistance. But to her surprise, her siblings nodded appreciatively. Everyone knew how much Clara loved her office in the Toontown Central Trolley Depot. It would certainly remain intact as the Gag Shop. Before long, all the assignments were decided.

Clara and Clark would work in the Toontown Central Gag Shop.

Bill and Will Clark would work in the Docks.

Peaches and Herb, once found, would work in the Gardens.

Doe and Ray had claimed Melodyland.

Lenny and Penny Clark would take the Brrrgh.

Jill and Phil Clark would work in Dreamland.

"Part of working in the Gag Shop," Dr. Byte said, "is creating the Gags. Dr. Sensitive and I will walk you through the processes for each. We have a few long days ahead of us."

"We're ready," Peaches Clark said.

"Once we find Herb," Clara said. Everyone nodded.

Despite the grim prospect of finding their missing brother, the Clark family was overwhelmed with the optimism of what they had just witnessed: hope. Exodus was not for nothing. Their brother was alive.

And the Cogs didn't stand a chance.

As soon as Eileen Irenic exited the Gag Shop, they moved. Doctor, Violet, and Piggy Pie hurried up to her. They were most eager to sign up for the Resistance. They wanted to ensure they put their names down before the masses did.

But to their surprise, Eileen just smirked.

"You don't have to get in line," she said. "You're the first to sign up."

Violet's beak dropped open.

"What?"

"Everyone is scared," Eileen said, gesturing at the throng of Toons in the Playground. "No one wants to believe the Cogs are still here."

"They are," Piggy Pie said. "How can they not be?"

Eileen sighed.

"I think everyone is hopeful. I'm sure we'll get recruits. Right now, it's just not as much as I would have hoped."

"What can we do to help?" Doctor asked.

===Two Weeks Later===

Toons returned to their homes, their Playgrounds. The ones left behind and living in the Docks began making their way back to their families. Eileen had worked for days on end on new training programs. Word of the Gags spread quickly, and the Toon Resistance swelled with volunteers.

Unfortunately for Piggy Pie, who had hoped joining the Toon Resistance would mean instant training and field work, the first few weeks consisted mostly of advertising. Spreading literature about the Cogs, the Gags, and the Toon HQ's new program for training Gags, called ToonTasks. Toons would pick up ToonTasks from Toon HQ that would help train Gags and learn about the Cogs. Completing ToonTasks would advance Gag development and personal skill. The first two ToonTasks were already available, and Piggy Pie had long since completed them. She had retrieved her first two Gags from the Gag Shop: a cupcake and a squirting flower. She practiced every night on a tree on her estate. Her Doodle, Lasagna, thought she was crazy.

On that particular day, however, Piggy Pie was spreading literature of an entirely different type. Notice of the first ever official Toon Resistance meeting. It was to take place in the meeting space of Toon Hall, where the Toon Council convened. This was an unprecedented move by the interim Mayor, as the meeting chamber was usually off limits to regular citizens. Piggy Pie knew this was a deliberate move by Eileen Irenic to entice Toons to sign up.

And as far as Piggy Pie could tell, it was working. Hundreds had responded to the invitation saying they would come.

This could be huge for the Toon Resistance.

Piggy Pie continued to walk around Dreamland's Playground, posting up the flyers, and passing the notices to anyone who would take them. In her backpack, she felt the supplies of cupcakes and squirting flowers calling to her. She couldn't wait to get home and practice again.

"The meeting chamber is hallowed ground," Flippy protested. Eileen Irenic was, of course, not listening. She was helping Flippy pack up the rest of his office. He initially saw this as an act of dominance, her attempting to assert herself above him as his replacement. But he softened and realized she was genuinely trying to help him adjust to his new role as regular citizen.

"The Mayor should not keep secrets from the people," Eileen said simply. It wasn't meant to be a jab, but it stung anyway.

"Are you sure you want to be Mayor?" Flippy asked, his last plea. "If it ever gets to be too much..."

"Toontown needs new leadership," Eileen said, not meeting Flippy's desperate gaze. "Your intentions were pure, I'm sure of that, but you have to accept the consequences of your actions. Because of the choices you made and the acts you implemented as Mayor, the Emergency Portal was invoked and we lost three years of our lives. Because of the Cogs."

Flippy now felt angry. Guilty, yes of course, but now angry. Why was she so damn polite? He wished she was a caustic bitch so he could hate her, wish her to fail. Like Slappy, his long-time political rival.

Eileen put the last of his belongings in a box and handed it to him, a slight smile on her face. Sympathetic.

"Good luck, Flippy," she said. "I hope to see you at the meeting tonight."

Flippy took the box and left without another word.

===Ten Years Ago===

=Seven Years Before Exodus=

Flippy bit his thumb and watched as Slappy was declared the official winner of Melodyland. Flippy turned away from the television screen and hunted for a bottle of water. No one else was in the room. He didn't want to be in the ballroom with everyone else. He could hear Vavarro VaVoom, however, amplifying the crowd with an electrifying tale of how Flippy heroically saved his infant daughter, Vidalia, from choking on an onion once. The story was half-true. Flippy had pointed out that she was choking, and Vidalia's mother had whacked her on the back, sending the onion flying into Flippy's face.

Election night was finally here, and Flippy was scared to face the truth. Slappy Quackerton had led a noble, enticing campaign. He had promised to revamp the industry of Melodyland, a failing neighborhood. Of course that's why he just won the popular vote in that district. Flippy ran on a more broad platform: putting Toons first. Slappy had countered with "Toons over whom?"

Fair enough.

The election was hotly contested. For the first time in Toontown's history, the outgoing Mayor had declined to endorse either candidate. Some interpreted this as Mayor Mickey Elias despising both, but in reality Mickey Elias was an unbiased mouse and unwilling to give either candidate an unfair advantage. May the best Toon win, he had said at the televised debate, another debacle.

Honestly, Flippy was just ready for the election to be over. Let the Toons speak their minds. Let them vote. And let the damn results show already.

No one had been called yet as the projected winner. Flippy won Dreamland and the Docks. Slappy won the Brrrgh and now Melodyland. It didn't matter how many neighborhoods a candidate won. It was popular vote. Flippy was in the lead in the Gardens, and Slappy was in the lead in Toontown Central.

A true nailbiter.

"Shhh shhh!" Vavarro VaVoom said in the ballroom. Flippy turned to the small television screen in the tiny closet he locked himself inside. The Gardens had just been called for...

Flippy exhaled. He won the Gardens. He was now leading by four hundred votes.

Please....

He had wanted this ever since he had attended the victory rally of Mayor Mickey Elias, the most compassionate Mayor Toontown had ever seen. In another life, another time, another world, he could have been King.

The door of the closet was wrenched open. There stood Bob Barker, Banker of Toontown Central Bank. He was smiling.

"Slappy is losing his foothold in Toontown Central. You're gaining."

Flippy smiled.

Minutes later, the call was made.

Flippy had won in Toontown Central by a landslide. He won the election by six hundred votes. The concession phone call from Slappy himself came shortly after.

Flippy Flopper had won his first election.

Now, he was Mayor.

===Present Day===

Eileen Irenic was thrilled. The meeting space in Toon Hall was packed with Toons. Standing room only. She stood on a chair because the stage was also swamped. She could see Piggy Pie, Doctor, and Violet in the front. They were by far the most eager of the recruits. And the most promising. She had been walking to work one day when she saw Piggy Pie in her estate, throwing cupcakes at a tree. Perfect aim. She had brought along to the meeting the next Gags in the track for her: sliced fruit pie, and a glass of water. Technically she wasn't supposed to advance Toons without confirmation from Toon HQ. But Piggy Pie had earned it.

Eileen had meant to begin the meeting by once again going over the Gags and ToonTasks, but everyone already knew. Everyone that came was informed, and ready to begin. To her surprise, Toons began going around the room, sharing stories of the Cogs, and the horrors they inflicted.

One Toon spoke of losing her mother to a Cog building.

Another mentioned watching her friends get left behind as she fell into Exodus.

Brothers, sisters, wives, mothers, fathers, siblings, friends, strangers, all dead due to the Cogs.

At last, Eileen stepped up.

"We will not negotiate with the Cogs. There is no other way but to fight. We will not let them take our town, not again. With the Gags, with training, we will prevail."

Everyone applauded. Violet Vance whistled.

"This is our home!" Eileen shouted. In the front row, two young mice cheered. In other life, they might have been Irene and Constantine.

Dead now. Erased from memory.

Eileen raised a fist triumphantly in the air.

Today it begins.

"Toons of the World!" she called.

Fists rose in a wave.

"UNITE!"

Clara Clark did not go to the Toon Resistance meeting. She had wanted to, but Father called. Herb was home. Clara had teleported as soon as she got the message. Her Gag Shop partner, Clark Clark, went with her.

Herb hugged Clara when she burst in the door. She had to pull Jill Clark off him, but she eventually got a much-needed, long-awaited embrace.

"I missed you," she said to her brother. He didn't respond.

When she pulled away, Herb's face was full of sadness. Before she could say anything, Will Clark took her arm.

"He's traumatized, the doctors say."

"Which doctors?" Clara demanded.

Will shrugged.

"He's probably seen a lot. He was in the Final Battle."

Clara stared at her brother. The Final Battle. The one that decimated the surviving population and forced the Cogs out of Toontown, for now.

What had transpired then?

What had happened to Herb?

## Production

### Continuity and Story Arcs

The Gags are first introduced in this episode. The seven Gag tracks from the game are featured, though only the first six Gags. The Gags are housed in the newly-converted Gag Shops. These buildings were once called Trolley Depots and ran by the Clark family, facilitating trade. Due to a lack of trade between other civilizations, they were obsolescent.

This episode also marked the advent of ToonTasks and Gag Training.

Flippy's time as Mayor officially came to an end when Eileen Irenic helped him clear out his office.

Herb Clark was reunited with his family.

### References

The line "erased from memory" when Eileen was thinking of her children is a reference to an episode of VMK Storytime's eighth season of the same name.

## Trivia

* The episode title is a reference to a commonly-used phrase in Toontown advertising and in the Toontorial, highlighting the fact that Cogs are not able to take a joke and thus explains the success of the Gags.
* Like the original Toontown game, level seven Gags are not introduced at the onset.
* Scenes with Dr. Byte and Dr. Sensitive were said to have "tension." The author wrestled with the concept of using the term "sexual tension" and opted against it because it would put the series off the PG edge. Since the game is PG and of a feel-good nature, it would be odd to have a vulgar Storytime equivalent.
* When the doctors are testing their Gags for the Clark family and Eileen Irenic, they opt not to test certain trap and drop Gags on each other. Even though they as Toons recognize the hilarity in the concept of the Gags, they understand the peril that can come with it.
* The story about Vidalia VaVoom choking on an onion is a reference to Vidalia onions.
* The line "erased from memory" when Eileen was thinking of her children is a reference to VMK Storytime