Mea Culpa

When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember
that four of his fingers are pointing at himself. — Louis Nizer

Are you in an untenable situation right now? Have you given
yourself a bad back by bending over backward to accommodate
someone who is breaking the rules? Has your confusion about
your role or rights perpetuated this problem? Is it time to draw
up your own Rules of the Woed (as one seminar pundit named
them)?

Remember to pull a mea culpa so the people affected don't
feel they're being unfairly blamed for behavior they were never
held accountable for in the first place. That's the catch-22 of
not explaining and enforcing policies up front. Rule breakers
may initially know what they're doing is wrong, but if no one
complains, they conclude that it must not be that bad. Their
logic is "If it was really important, you'd stop me, so I guess this
must be okay."

"Talk about confused," Abigail commented. "My twenty-two-year-old daughter had me turned inside out and upside
down. I was supposed to be the parent in the relationship, but
she had me twisted around her little finger.

"I had always dreamed of those close mother-daughter relationships where you went shopping together, swapped clothes, and shared confidences. It was never like that with us. Tiffany's
teen years were a nightmare. She stayed out past curfew, had
terrible grades, and stole money from my purse. My friends
told me her disobedience was typical adolescence and she
would grow out of it. She never did.

"Tiffany came home after college because she couldn't find
work. A couple of months stretched into six months, six
months stretched into a year, and she still hadn't found the
'right' job. During this time, she was wrecking my town house,
when she wasn't lying around watching soaps. Every time I
tried to talk to her, she'd turn things around and say I was
unsympathetic.

"I tried to get her to go to therapy with me, but she
wouldn't. I finally went myself The therapist sat through that
entire first session and hardly spoke. She just let me pour out
my frustration. Over the next few weeks, she helped me see
that I was being bullied by my own daughter and that I had enabled this situation by not setting and enforcing ground
rules. She helped me understand that the way out of this mess
was to keep asking myself, 'Who's the parent?' and by giving
Tiffany what she needed rather than what she wanted. She also
suggested I pull a mea culpa."

Abigail continued. "Mea culpa is Latin for 'my fault.' The
therapist told me trying to rein Tiffany in at this point was
going to be tough because the precedent was set that she could
do whatever she pleased. The only way to change this losing
game was for me to take responsibility for letting things get
out of hand. After all. Tiffany was only doing what I had let
her get away with. The therapist helped me write up 'House
Rules' and told me how to resurrect a more proper parent-
child relationship.

"The following Monday, I told Tiffany we were going to
have the first of what was going to become a weekly family
meeting. The therapist had emphasized how important it was
to make this a formal ritual rather than a casual get-together,
so we sat down at the dining room table. I explained it was
my fault things had gotten out of hand, that
I realized the error of my ways, and that things were going to be different
from now on."

"I laid out the house rules and explained that as an adult, if she
wanted to continue living in our home, she needed to obey the
rules because we were no longer going to live in pandemonium. I explained that family members living together agree to
abide by common laws of decency so everyone can coexist
cooperatively. I explained that every family member (even if
there are just two of us) needs to contribute so household
maintenance and upkeep are kept equitable. I explained that if
family members choose to ignore these rules or abuse the
rights of housemates, they lose their right to live in that home.

"Tiffany just sat there, stunned. I told her I should have done
this a long time ago, but had not been clear about my role as a
parent. I now realized my job was to teach my child how to be
a self-sufficient citizen who gets along in the world with others. I hadn't done her or me any favors by being so lax in my
standards. I told her it wasn't too late for both of us to learn
this lesson, and that I was going to hold us both accountable for
behaving responsibly.

"Some of our house rules included basic rules of courtesy.
Not calling each other names. Calling by six P.M. to say
whether you're going to be home in time for dinner. Cleaning
up messes in common areas — the same day! Divvying up
household chores. This is where I asked for her input. We made
up a list of what needed to be done and went through the list,
alternating choices.

"I also told Tiffany, 'A condition of you continuing to live
here is that we go to counseling together once a week. If you
have issues with this, we can work them out with the therapist.'
I wrapped up by saying, 'I have absolute clarity about this, and
there will be no wavering or giving in to pressure or excuses. If
you break the rules once, you get a warning. If you break them
again, you'll need to get your own apartment and support
yourself, and no amount of begging, pleading, or name-calling
will get me to change my mind.' I told her I was looking forward to living together in harmony, and I hoped this would be
one of the best things that ever happened to us. It was."

A woman who heard this story asked skeptically, "Do you
really think that a mother would have thrown her daughter out
of the house?" I told her, "She needed to be prepared to do just
that or otherwise she'd be a paper tiger. Empty threats serve no
one. That's why it's so important to be clear about the appropriateness of your proposed action. The mother was doing the right
thing by claiming culpability for the past and by outlining the
new policies and consequences for the future. If the daughter
chose to break the rules, it would be her fault she's out of house
and home, not her mother's. 'Tough love' is simply a way of teaching people that they will be held accountable for their behavior,
whether they like it or not. Instead of the world revolving around
them, they learn that if they do the crime, they pay big-time."