Joe Wengert, Our Close Friend

**"Joe Wengert, Our Close Friend"** is the twenty-seventh episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Sean and Hayes start off by discussing this week’s biggest question: Who is going to replace Letterman when he leaves and should you make a list about it? Then, very good friend of the show JOE WENGERT stops by to talk about what it was like to do a standup special, joke set-ups, plot holes, mic styles, Pierce Brosnan, and blue jeans. Also, stop holding your breath- the Popcorn Gallery is back with more thoughtful and poignant questions.

## Notes and Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Hayes talking over the theme: "So James Marsden takes like a huge swig of hand sanitizer, and is like 'Did anyone order a bunch of fuckin' pool water in their face!?' and he jumps off the roof into the pool! But he like, he hit the side a little bit. A little bit of his head hit the side." "That's cool."
* It's time to say farewell to David Letterman (*note: jump ahead to Ep. #085 - David Letterman, Our Close Friend for the true farewell!*). Hayes and Sean recall their memories with Letterman. Sean recalls hanging out with him in varsity ski team, with them both wearing their letterman jackets.
* Sean and Hayes want to make their own Top Ten list on who should replace him
* Sean and Hayes compare Letterman to Batman. They go out at night, they're a true renegade, they're not scared. They both interview people (Batman always has to like ask the bad guys why/how they're getting out of there) and they both go after bad guys that no-one else can touch
* So that said, when you're looking for a new Letterman, you should really be looking for a new Batman. People like, the Metallica guys, or one of the Mythbusters, or Elizabeth Smart. What she went through six months, she can probably handle a Clooney interview. What about a New York Fireman? He can maybe handle a monologue or a sketch. Or a Firewoman!
* Comedy was always secondary to Letterman. Number one was about being tough. Two was about makin' sure Paul Schaffer had a gig.
* Sean calls Hayes brave, and vice versa. Sean is touched. They exchange compliments to each other about how great they are and the podcast is.
* Who else is brave? The Lone Survivor. Wahlberg and Taylor Kitsch.
* The guy from the Brawny paper towels wrapper is also very brave. He never backs down from stains. He goes to the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice awards, everyone is getting slimed, who else would you want around!?

### Guest Segment

* Sean talks over the theme: So I look over at Jared, and I go... "Well is it a flatbread or a pizza?" 'UHH I don't know' and I say, it's a flapizza. Drops mic, and just storms out. Got 'em
* Sean asks if Joe's new standup was just like a total jerkoff for him, since he's done it before and how easy it is
* Joe did the standup special because people where encouraging him to get his 'wildness' out in a different form (other than his surf-rap-rock band). His band was very influenced by the James Bond universe
* Joe went for no water on stage, since they said they'd have to pull the label off his favorite beer (Red Bull) if it was up there, so he said "Give me nothin'"
* Joe won't describe *Kroll Show* in a single word. There might be words that describe it in Eskimo language
* Someone on the writing staff at Kroll Show might be an Inuit, based off the sketches about blubber and how many different uses it has
* When Joe is hungry, he goes down to Spago and get some dinner. Some people in the writing room, when they're hungry, cut a big hole in ice, and drop a fishing line down the hole.
* Joe isn't a story beast, joke monster, or title freak, he's the plot hole guy. Wants the story to go from A to B with no tire damage, no hub cab flying off. Have your body and mind to be in tip-top, pristine crendition. You don't want the track to skip! Sean's listenin' to "Satellite" by DMB, he's just about to really get up there with his vocal, hits a plot hole and the track skips. He'd have to start the concert over
* Joe fixing the plot hole makes him a real Joe the Plumber type. He wears coveralls and a little white hat.
* Hayes is a bump detector. He runs his hands over the script and sees if there is anything he's bumping on. He closes his eyes and feels with his hands, sees if anything is bumpin on him. If the characters don't like each other, if they're not good friends, would they do this
* Joe's famous holes he's spackled: introduced a character and he's a pastry chef, Joe hadn't seen him put one paper hat on his head. Is he a pastry chef?? This legendary save had him get the nick name Hat Head
* Early on in Pub-Liz-Ity, in season one before Joe joined the show, they didn't do any of the paperwork, reading e-mails, sending e-mails. There might be less jokes, but it's more *real.*
* Joe suggests that Nick add a character who says "Excuse me??" with some of the crazy stuff that's going on in the show
* Joe likes whiskey before his set. The brown stuff. A little liquid funniness.
* Sean talks about his funny friend from high school Mark. Sean wasn't really the funny one, he just stole a lot of Mark's jokes, but whatever he's getting paid.
* Sean lets Mark do the sound drops to throw him a bone. Mark is pushin' dumpsters. Not a good job..
* Joe's going to come back in six weeks to discuss *Risky Business* after Sean has seen it. It's in his queue.
* Sean: "My queue is.. (kisses fingertips, \*mwah!\*) magnifique! Muy delicioso."

## Recurring Segments

* Set it Off  - Hayes and Sean start a new segment for stand-ups where they dissect their specials that way you don't even have to watch it. Other names considered were "Set Fire to the Rain" and "Ready, Set, Whaaat?"
	+ Opener: The second you step out on stage, the audience is seeing you, you have to introduce yourself. Here's me, here's who I am, here's my mission statement, here's my goals, here's what it's going to take, and just buckle the fuck up and do it.
	+ Joe generally likes to hold the mic. It may be because the mic can become whatever you need it to be, whether it's licking some ice cream or sucking on a ding-dong (black ding-dong... or whatever color!). It can be used for so many jokes.
	+ Ready, Set, Whatsup. At this point in the show you're in Joe's mind. That's #1. The first joke is introducing yourself to the audience but the second is you take their heads and you turn it upside down. Guess what, what you thought you were gonna get into? You turn all that upside down. It also never hurts to re-invent. The joke is literally to turn their heads upside down.
	+ Joe's jokes for the most part are just talking about things that are happening. He makes a couple jokes about Sean and Hayes just obseving things that are going on around them. "Are we doing podcasting or are we looking at an old leather book? Cause there's a leather book on the table. And it's like, is there going to be a component of this podcast where I'm gonna draw something? Because there's a big.. a, a basket of pens, which also, OK, now time out. So I'm going to have, how many pens? I don't know, a hundred pens? Well! Guess we're going to have to put them in a basket, then." (Hayes does really loud laugh). Joe then goes off on Sean at his encouragement
	+ Sean asks more about Joe's upside down head joke and how he knew it'd be funny. Joe mentions he's not concerned if the joke is funny, just if he and his manager think it's funny.
	+ Hayes mentions watching Joe's stand up is just like watching a set for the guys on his dorm floor. It just feels like some bros joking around. "What would Mike McChesky think?"
* Popcorn Gallery - It is revealed in this episode that Seans funny friend Mark from high school is the one doing the sound drops. Sean wanted to throw him a bone, cause all Mark is doing is pushing dumpsters, just ramming them into each other
	1. OcterDoctopus - "Joe, you were very outspoken during the recent '#CancelColbert' hashtag controversy, you had a lot of things to say about women and Asians. Can you take a moment to refresh any podcast listeners who don't use twitter?"
		+ The important thing to remember during any of these big controversies comes out is that you have to get your word out there as soon as possible. You have to weigh in, in any way as soon as possible.
	2. Michael Bay of Pigs - "Joe, how often to (do) you get money from TV shows for using your name? Pros vs Joe, the Joe Schmoe show, (he gives another example that's bad, and Hayes jumps in with: Joe Millionaire?)"
		+ It's all on different cycles. Joe mentioned he'll be back on the show in about 6 weeks to talk about it. Joe will just roll over to his computer and check. He's also working on a way to get money for any show that rhymes with Joe. Like Game of Thrones
	3. Greggy - "Mr Wengert, have you ever met Pierce Brosnan?"
		+ Funny story: Joe used to take a train from New Jersey into New York City (back in the early days) and he saw a watch ad. Pierce Brosnan is the ad man, the face of the watch industry. Someone wrote under the ad 'Pierce Brosnan's choice? Buttsex'
* Pro Version - DrBlueJeanns - Joe is gonna do some riffs on DrBlueJeanns. He did some material on Sean's ble jeans already, he's already dipped his wick in that. Joe mentions he walks into his office and he's expecting a professional doctor and in his opinion professionals get a pair of slacks. Go down to Old Navy and get a pair of slacks, if you think you're gonna put a finger in my butthole without a pair of slacks... Hold on Fonzie I don't think so. Ayyy!

## Recurring Jokes

* Too Scary - Some stains are scary to a paper towel. Sean and Hayes ask Joe to speak on his role in the room. stuff like story beasts, joke monsters, title freaks (first reference back in Ep. #002 - Blake Anderson, Our Close Friend)
* Speak on That - Hayes talks about how Stand up is like the sex pistols, you just gotta get on stage and have noise come out. He asks Joe to speak on that. Joe talks about how once he gets on stage, no-one can stop him.
* Show Won't Take a Stance - Sean is neither for or against people cross-dressing
* Mark - his reveal as the sound drop engineer. He was so funny in high school, Sean felt bad for stealing some of his jokes. His job is pushin' dumpsters.
* Hayes's Loud Laugh - @ Joe: "Are we doing podcasting or are we looking at an old leather book? Cause there's a leather book on the table. And it's like, is there going to be a component of this podcast where I'm gonna draw something? Because there's a big.. a, a basket of pens, which also, OK, now time out. So I'm going to have, how many pens? I don't know, a hundred pens? Well! Guess we're going to have to put them in a basket, then."

## Ads

* Sean and Hayes are very excited that they have their first real Ad. They can't contain their excitement as they promote Audible. audiblepodcast.com/hollywood

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, Joe Wengert, Sean ClementsSean and Joe Wengert in the studioJoe Wengert in the studioSean and Hayes bussin' up in the studio