Fake TPOT 26: Taking the Plunge Once More

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"**Taking the Plunge Once More**" is the non-canon twenty-sixth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 15 February 1982. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. For a time, this episode was known solely as its alternate title, "**The 20-Year Itch**" (sometimes written as "**The Twenty-Year Itch**").

Author's note: ~~We did it! *Fake TPOT* now has more episodes than season 1 of BFDI!~~ Oops. I did not write TPOT 1.

Description if this were on YouTube:

What do you like to do on your birthday? Eat? Drink? Or maybe you're down for some wild party games like "pin the mouth on the Snowball". Well, guess what? Our host and their very special friend love to party just as much as you do! They're even throwing a real swell one, as a matter of fact. And do you know why?

That's right, it's been 20 INCREDIBLE years since the very first BFDI episode EVER, "Take the Plunge", hit the airwaves way back in 1962! It's been one heck of a ride, I tell ya... but we couldn't have done it without all of you AWESOME fans. So, let's raise a glass (or a slice of cake) to the past 2 decades and look forward to 20 more years of fun, excitement and adventure together! I thank you for being a part of our journey, gang, and we all can't wait to see what the future holds. Love you all! <3

Previous episode: "Chocolate Solder"

Next episode: "Who Says Younger = Better?"

## Cold open, pre–Cake at Stake

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**For context, it is still 1981, after Christmas and before New Year's Day. The hotel lobby is still decked in holiday attire, and **Golf Ball** and **Tennis Ball** are in the process of clearing it of chocolate from the past episode. They are turning the balls into decorations.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I think our work here is done!
* **Golf Ball**: Good job, Tennis Ball!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Why did U chose us for this job anyway?
* **Golf Ball**: Because we were the only ones who act*uUUUUU**UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—***

[*The intro plays. It is the same version from the older episodes (the unaltered theme song by Coal Bones) rather than the disco of the 1979–1981 episodes.*]

* **Golf Ball**: —ally understood our team's plan to turn the chocolate balls into cheap decorations.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: You'd think Clock would have at least got it. His wife's a designer, isn't she?
* **Golf Ball**: She designs *exteriors*, not interiors.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oh.

### **Back of the hotel**

**Scene**By the payphones. **Naily** is on the phone as **Two** and **Tree** stand behind her, waiting.
* **N****a****ily**: Kay-kay, Dad, thanks for the gifts! [*Pause.*] Season's greetings, love you too, bye now!

[*As she foots Two the phone, she bumps into* **Nickel**.]

* **N****a****ily**: [*startled*] Oh! Hi, Nickel.
* **Nic****k****el**: Naily.
* **N****a****ily**: Nice day we're having.
* **Nic****k****el**: Sure beats being out in the snow.
* **N****a****ily**: Aren't you, like, from a humid climate?
* **Nic****k****el**: Yeah.

[*Awkward silence.*]

* **N****a****ily**: I don't want things to be awkward with us, Nick.
* **Nic****k****el**: Me neither, but I feel like it's all my fault. Shouldn't have been so duckish. As long as you're happy, you can date whomever you want.
* **N****a****ily**: Thanks heaps, Father. /s But I've already broken up with Dave, if that's what you wanted to talk about.
* **Nic****k****el**: What? But you've been together for years!
* **N****a****ily**: Sure, but... I reckon I never really liked him that way. He's a mate, but not a *mate* mate.
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh, I get it. [*sighs*]
* **N****a****ily**: You sound disappointed.
* **Nic****k****el**: It's just, I thought you were kind of cute when you were taken. I know that sounds fricked up, but it must be, like... a guy thing.
* **N****a****ily**: No, it's not. I felt the same way when I heard about you and Carlene. I was like, *WHOOAAAA!* Hello, Mint Eastwood!
* **Nic****k****el**: Well... now, we're both single.
* **N****a****ily**: Two lone wolves. *Awoooooooooooo!*

[*They both sigh. Meanwhile, by the phones.*]

* **Two**: So I'm completely off the hook? Yaaaaaaaaaaay! Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta!

[*Two hangs up the phone gleefully and skips over to* **Clock**. *In the background,* **Tree** *picks up the phone in the background and cleans it with a disgusted expression.*]

* **Two**: Guess what, Clock?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What.
* **Two**: I have just experienced diplomacy in action!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What are you talking about?
* **Two**: So you know how I was arrested a few months ago for torture and kidnapping?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I still think you should be in jail.
* **Two**: Thanks, Clock! [*taps the top of his head*] Anyway, I've got some great news that has to do with *me!* It turns out that because of my own personal virtues, I can no longer get arrested while on this planet!

[*Clock stares at Two.*]

* **Two**: Why aren't you celebrating?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Two, you were not protected from arrest because of your own personal virtues, but because the Equation Playground threatened war against us if you weren't declared completely innocent. [*Two pogs.*]
* **Two**: Diplomatic immunity, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: It was in all the newspapers, see?

[*Clock shows Two a newspaper with a crudely-drawn Two on it.*]

* **Two**: That is seriously an unflattering picture. But no matter, because I'm off the hook and I can do whatever the Gogma I want, and best of all, it's time for Cake at Stake! *Everyone, get up to my roof!*
* **T****r****e****e**: [*on the phone*] Two, I'm talking to my son.
* **Two**: Hurry up! [*stares at the camera*]

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene**Two has gathered the contestants for Cake at Stake. Sitting on the risers are the members of the winning team, **U** (without Book), while on the platforms are the members of the teams up for elimination, **The Alefs** and **Vitas** (without Lightning and Snowball). A large dark teal cube, labelled "Stem Kastje", is in the background. It contrasts with the rest of the voting area.
* **Two**: As you all know, there was only winner in the last challenge, as The Alefs and Vitas both lost.
* **Winner**: That happens a lot here.
* **Two**: Yes, it does, unfortunately. A number can only be too decisive when it comes to deciding which team is up for elimination, and it also means having to read more names. Now that's not a good thing, is it?

[*Silence.*]

* **Ar****esko**: You know, if Snowball were here, this would be the part where he'd say "Just get on with it!"
* **Winner**: Yeah, that's so SB. Er, Two? Where is Snowball?
* **Donut**: And where's Lightning?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: They have not been seen in a year.
* **Two**: Well, they're here, all right!

[*Two uses their powers to teleport* **Lightning** *and* **Snowball** *to the roof of the hotel. Snowball is lying down and Lightning looks like he is about to grab something.*]

* **Snowball**: The light, it's burning!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: It's burning me too, *aaaaaaaa—* [*sees himself and the other contestants*] Och.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hi, Lightning. Fancy seeing you here.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*annoyed*] I get up for one second to fetch a glass of water and I get teleported to the Cake at Stake place. Which month are we in now?
* **Two**: It's December.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: *Feck!* [*puts his hands over his eyes*] To think we were after making it to the one-year mark!

[*Snowball comforts Lightning by trying to eat him.*]

* **Snowball**: Yomf!

[*Two looks at the other contestants.*]

* **Two**: Any idea what he's going about?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's best not to ask.
* **Snowball**: Two gets on Snowball *nerve!*

[*Snowball tries to punch Two, who uses their powers to fling him to his seat. Lightning follows him.*]

* **Two**: Thank you. Now, for this act, Cake at Stake will go a little differently.
* **Ar****esko**: Ooh, will we be drawing straws?
* **Two**: Glad you asked, Black Hole, because the answer is no!

[*Black Hole looks at Two, confused.*]

* **Two**: I remember a time when it was the voters' job to determine who gets to go, and who gets to stay. But now that task has been transferred to you, the contestants.

[*Murmurs.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: So to clarify, we get to vote for who gets eliminated?
* **Two**: You get to vote for who gets to stay! You can even vote for up to three people! Isn't that something?
* **Snowball**: NO! *You're* a thing!
* **Golf Ball**: [*from the audience*] If I may add something: I don't think that's fair. Someone who votes for three people will naturally have more power than someone who votes for only one.
* **Two**: Actually, the votes will be split evenly, based on this system.

[*Two points downward, revealing text at the bottom of the screen: "Vote for 1 person = 6 points. Vote for 2 people = 4 points for the one mentioned first, 2 pts. for the one mentioned second. Vote for 3 people = 3 pts. for the one mentioned first, 2 pts. for the one mentioned second, 1 pt. for the one mentioned third.*]

* **G****at****y**: I thought you were going to let *two* be the maximum, not three.
* **S****aw**: Yeah, that's your number!
* **Two**: Oh, that's a good suggestion, innit? I think I shall change it!
* **Snowball**: *No!* You will not *change!*
* **Two**: Fine. Now Alefs and Vitas, do you see that voting box? [*points to the dark teal cube*] I want you to calmly...

[*Everyone rushes up to be the first one to enter the voting box.*]

### **Stem Kastje**

**Scene**One by one, the contestants decide whom they want safe. It's like in Inanimate Insanity, episode 11, when the still-in contestants are voting for whom they want eliminated. We can't see what the contestants are looking at, but it is implied that there is a face on the wall, speaking and reacting to what they have got to say. This scene is often omitted in later broadcasts.

TPOT 26 voting
* **Stemkastje**: Why not? It's the only face you can recognize after a year.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Almost a year, thank you very much.

[*Static.*]
* **Snowball**: I vote *Black Hole!* Me Snowball, *hate* Black Hole!
* **Stemkastje**: Sorry, but you're meant to vote for who you want to save.
* **Snowball**: Don't tell me what to do!

[*Static.*]
* **Donut**: Errrr... Winner, why not? And... Remote.

[*Static.*]
* **Winner**: My first vote's for Donut, 'cause he's my best friend in the team, and my second one's for Pen. He may be a bit of a dag, but... we've got something in common. Right?
* **Stemkastje**: Only if you tell me what a *dag* is first.

[*Static.*]
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Just watch as Puffball doesn't get any votes. That's why I'm—

[*Static.*]
* **Puffball**: Voting for him only. Fries, please.
* **Stemkastje**: You know, he said the same thing about you.
* **Puffball**: He better.

[*Static.*]
* **G****at****y**: I have a strange urge to double-vote for Saw... and Coiny.

[*Static.*]
* **Co****i****ny**: Pin, of course! And... maybe Gaty.
* **Stemkastje**: Now that's what I like to hear.

[*Static.*]
* **S****aw**: I vote for G***8y!***
* **Stemkastje**: Th***ANK YOU!***
* **S****aw**: Hey!

[*Static.*]
* **P****i****n**: Ooh, that's an easy one! Six points, Coiny!

[*Static.*]
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh, gosh, I don't even have friends on this team! Ummm... Coiny, and then there's Puffball... and then there's Tree. Because I like his accent. And other people with that accent. But don't tell anyone that, okay?
* **Stemkastje**: No worries. It's safe with me. [*Aside.*] Not.

[*Static.*]
* **Ar****esko**: Ooh, I'm voting for Tree!

[*Static.*]
* **P****en**: Gee, that's hard. I tell ya, my best bets are on Tree, Black Hole and Remote.
* **Stemkastje**: I'm a machine for voting, not a lowly one for betting.

[*Static.*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote, Tree and Pen.

[*Static.*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Black Hole, Tree and Pen.

[*Static.*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Black Hole, Remote and Aresko. [*Pause.*]
* **Stemkastje**: Wow. I was not expecting th—
* **T****r****e****e**: [*irritated*] He'll get like a million votes; he's too fricking popular! [*crosses his arms*]
* **Stemkastje**: Is there something you want to talk about?

[*Exit* **Tree**.]
* **Stemkastje**: I'll take that as a no. But my door's always open, except when it's not. [*Beat.*] He can't hear me. They never do.

### **Elimination area**

**Scene**As **Tree** gets out of the voting box, Pen waves at him. The other contestants are all seated.
* **Two**: Did you all have fun in there?
* **Snowball**: *No*, that was a stupid!
* **Two**: I know you are, but what am I? [*raises an eyebrow*]
* **Snowball**: Muhooihooihooihooi! Hoof!

[*Snowball beats on his* *chest* *as Lightning stares at him with a dazed look in his eyes.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Lightning, are you okay?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: En-trance-ted.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Okay then.
* **Two**: Attention, everyone! I shall now read out the names of the contestants who received the most votes, one by one. You might like this, all: the most-voted contestant in this Cake at Stake is...

[*Two reads from a receipt that is printed outside the Stem Kastje.*]

* **Two**: Tree! With fourteen votes, you're safe!

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: What, you all voted for me? You're all dingbats! /hj
* **Ar****esko**: Only one of those sentences is true, mate.
* **Two**: Blah blah blah. I should have mentioned that Black Hole also got fourteen votes!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Thanks for the votes, guys. So Two, what's the prize?
* **Two**: Life rings. Think fast!

[*Two throws faulty life rings at Tree and Black Hole, as they do with the other contestants declared safe. Black Hole sucks his up by accident.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hmm. Bad taste.
* **T****r****e****e**: Two, these rings are awful. They're all broken and deflated.
* **Two**: Well, I don't know what you like! I've been in prison, remember?
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*in the audience*] Oof. [*looks at the riser seat labelled "Book"*]
* **Ar****esko**: Um, Two, who else is safe?
* **Two**: With eleven votes, Coiny!
* **Co****i****ny**: Yes!

[*Coiny catches his life ring. He puts it around him and puts on a boater hat.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Ahoy, matey! [*Pin giggles.*]
* **G****at****y**: [*Aside.*] Oh, Lordy.
* **Two**: Gaty, you're also safe, along with Puffball and Remote. You three received eight votes. Did you know that's two to the power of two plus two over two?
* **G****at****y**: I think everyone knows that.
* **Snowball**: I didn't know that!
* **Two**: Snowball and Fries, you got six votes.
* **Snowball**: Slap me, Frinko! [*turns around and bends over*]
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Yeah, I don't think so. [*gets hit with a life ring*]
* **Two**: Now less than half of you are safe.
* **Donut**: I'm still in the bottom half?
* **Winner**: It sucks, but it is what it is.
* **Two**: Don't worry, Donut and Winner, and you don't have to worry either, Saw, Pin and Pen; you've all received four votes.

[*They catch their life rings. The spotlight shines on Aresko, Nickel and Lightning.*]

* **Two**: One of you will go home, and that person is... not Aresko!

[*Aresko catches his life ring. Two looks at the receipt.*]

* **Two**: Oh. That's not good.

[*Lightning flies over.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: What's not good?
* **Two**: Lightning and Nickel, you both received zero votes.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: What the hell, Snowball, you didn't vote for me?
* **Snowball**: Don't tell me what to do!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: You let me tell *you* what to do!
* **Snowball**: In our *room!* Not out *here!*
* **Lig****htni****ng**: So that's how you want to play it, then...
* **Two**: Er, hello? I hate to interrupt this poorly written soap opera, but Lightning, either you or Nickel have to go. Now if you could just join me on the bridge—

[*Snowball slaps Two. Two disintegrates Snowball.*]

* **Two**: Thank goodness that's over.

### **Bridge**

**Scene****Lightning** and **Nickel** are standing in the middle of a bridge. It is the same bridge from BFDI 5.
* **Two**: Tiebreaker time. Lightning, you've been here before, so you know what to do. Nickel, on the other hand, you don't, so let me tell you!
* **Nic****k****el**: [*excited*] Okay!
* **Two**: You must send your opponent off the bridge in any way possible, including by force! Any questions? No? Go!
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh no, I just know I'm going to... win. [*smiles evilly*] A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Nickel, what are you doing?
* **Nic****k****el**: I don't know. I figured I'd laugh evilly and you'd fall off; that's how it works on TV.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*to Two*] Can I push him off now?
* **Two**: I refuse to take sides in this.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*on Lightning's side*] Lightning, be gentle.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Don't cause death.
* **N****a****ily**: [*on the other side*] You got this, Nicko!

[*Lightning floats close to Nickel, but he changes his mind. He immediately jolts upwards to makes a speech.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Attention, contestants! I have an announcement to make. As I still have my doubts about the nature of the Filing Cabinet, I fear that if I let myself win this contest, Nickel will be eliminated in there, and most likely die.
* **Nic****k****el**: Well, actually, you don't—
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*ignoring him*] Therefore, there is one thing I must do. *Slán agaibh, iomaitheoirí.* [*Subtitles: "Farewell, contestants."*]

[*Lightning falls down with his arms in the air.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Oh gosh!
* **Ar****esko**: How's he doing that?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Gravity, man.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We'll miss you, LN.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Say hello to Fanny for us.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: I WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLL!

[**Lightning** *disappears through a portal at the bottom of the cliff, which has to move around a bit for him to go through the middle of it.*]

## Post–Cake at Stake

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Post–Cake at Stake dispersion. The contestants are mostly sorted by team.
* **Winner**: Oh no, team, Lightning's gone!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm going to miss the little guy.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: He was always an enquirer.
* **P****en**: I must say, I'm glad he asked questions all the time.
* **T****r****e****e**: What? You can't be serious.
* **P****en**: Why not? Sometimes I had the same questions too.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So did I.
* **Donut**: I think we all did.

[*Meanwhile, with U.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Two, we need to talk.
* **Two**: If this is about my superseded criminal status, I've got nothing more to say.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: No, this is about Cake at Stake. It was much longer than usual.
* **Two**: So?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: If we keep lengthening these scenes, there won't be enough time for the contest.
* **Golf Ball**: Do better, Two!
* **Rest of U**: Yeah!
* **The Alefs**: Yeah!
* **Vitas**: Yeah!
* **Two**: Wow, you need to work on your synchronization. But there's no time for complaining, because it's time to start the next contest!

## Pre-contest

### **Outside the hotel**

**Scene**Two uses their powers to levitate everyone. They are all confused as they are held under a glowing green light.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: With Eraser and Lightning gone, we don't get any clarification whatsoever.
* **P****i****n**: Um, Two? Where are we going?
* **Two**: You'll see, my little objects... Far out.

### **In the distance**

**Scene**Two moves all the contestants past the building and far away.
* **G****at****y**: You know, episode 20 could have happened a lot earlier if you'd just used this power to move us.
* **Two**: Hush, Gaty, and take in the view.
* **G****at****y**: Oh, why would I do— [*looks down*] Hey, this is a nice view.
* **S****aw**: Not for me, I'm scared of heights!
* **G****at****y**: Fear not, Saw, it's not like we're on the Moon.

[*The contestants start flying over water.*]

* **G****at****y**: I mean, the Moon is completely dry, right?
* **Golf Ball**: That's factually correct.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Liquid water is extremely rare on the lunar surface, though I shouldn't be one to say that, when  were actually there.
* **Ar****esko**: Now wait a minute, I see something.
* **Puffball**: [*floating above Two's limitless power*] I see it too!
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah, and it looks familiar! Pin, don't you remember?
* **P****i****n**: How could I not?

[*View of the thing in the background, which is revealed to be the wooden balance beam from BFDI 1.*]

* **P****i****n**: We are now approaching the Balance Beam!
* **Everyone**: Ooooh! Aaaaah!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wait, what's the Balance Beam?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It was the very first challenge in BFDI.
* **Golf Ball**: No one survived it except for Pin and Leafy!
* **P****i****n**: Yeah! That little plank of wood was so generous. It's a good thing it's all the past now, though.

[*View of Two, who is flying closely behind the other contestants.*]

* **Two**: Correction, Pin.
* **P****i****n**: Huh?
* **Two**: That little plank of wood is where you will all do the challenge!

### **Balance Beam**

**Scene**Two stops levitating and transporting the contestants as the strange green glow disappears. They all scream as they fall straight onto the beam.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Two, why are we on here?
* **Two**: Welcome to the twenty-sixth challenge of... *The Power of Two!*
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yeah, I know that, but why are we doing it here? It's too slippery and borderline unsafe!
* **Two**: That's the point! Where have you been, Clock? Anyway, this is a very special challenge for many reasons.
* **Nic****k****el**: Is this common knowledge?
* **Two**: Let me ask you this, contestants: How many years ago was the first episode of BFDI?
* **N****a****ily**: Um... let me think of this. Forty-two!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Twenty?
* **Two**: That's right, Taggy! In a few days from now, BFDI will be celebrating its twentieth anniversary!

[*Soni exspectati of excitement from most.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: I was there, twenty years ago!
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, stop reminding us.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Tree, that's his only personality trait.
* **T****r****e****e**: No, it's the fact that Two had to bring up that this show's been on for twenty years.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Chin up, Leigh.
* **Two**: In honour of the two decades that this series has been on, I have decided to take the contest back to the basics.
* **Puffball**: If you want to see basic, you should look at what they're wearing outside the set.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Huh?
* **Puffball**: I mean, '80s style everywhere! I didn't think it was going to be *that* bad.
* **Two**: What are you talking about, Puffball? We *are* in the '80s. Anyway, to make up for an extremely long elimination, your challenge is simple: Whoever stays on the bar the longest wins. It's a bit like BFDI, don't you think?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh gosh, now I know these challenges are getting repetitive.
* **N****a****ily**: I know, right?
* **Two**: The only difference is that you aren't competing individually, but as teams. I've forgotten to mention that the person that stays on the bar the longest wins *for their team*. *And* the team that loses all their members first loses!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh. Then I guess that makes this unique.
* **Two**: Exactly. Now are you all ready to start?
* **Everyone**: Yeah!
* **Two**: Then... start!

## Contest

### **Balance Beam**

**Scene**The contest begins. From left to right from our perspective: The Alefs (**Aresko**, **Saw**, **Gaty**, **Coiny**, **Pin**, **Nickel**, **Fries**, **Puffball**), Vitas (**Pen**, **Tree**, **Black Hole**, **Remote**, **Donut**, **Winner**) and U (**Golf Ball**, **Clock**, **Naily**, **Price Tag**, **Basketball**, **Tennis Ball**).
* **Co****i****ny**: Let's help each other!
* **P****i****n**: Yeah!

[*Coiny looks shocked that Pin has just uttered a recycled line.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: I mean... there's a valid reason for us to do so, right?
* **P****i****n**: [*repeating herself*] Yeah!
* **G****at****y**: [*imitating Pin*] Yeah!

[*Coiny and Pin look over at Saw.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: O... kay.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Team U!
* **[** **N****a****ily** · **P****ri****c****e Tag** **]**: *U!*
* **Golf Ball**: We are at a disadvantage! With only seven members, one of whom is in prison, there is a good chance that our team will be the one to lose its members first!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I think that happened to you guys the last time we did something like this.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, in episode 12!
* **Golf Ball**: Please don't mention when I was young and bigoted.
* **N****a****ily**: Taggy, you're the resident optimist, what do you think? Is our team up for the challenge?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*looks at Black Hole and Puffball*] We stink.
* **N****a****ily**: Taggo!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I mean, we haven't even got any floating members like the other teams.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Don't you worry, because I'll fix that for you. For us. For *the world!*
* **N****a****ily**: Oh gosh, don't tell me you're about to—
* **C****l****o****c****k**: ***HEY, TWO!***

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**, *whose appearance causes* **Golf Ball** *to fall into the lake.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: No, Golf Ball!
* **Two**: Whoops. Now what is it, Clock?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: According to the *TPOT Game Rules*... [*Naily and Price Tag facesole*] Legless fliers may not compete in a contest in which standing up plays an important rôle.
* **Two**: Your point being?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Puffball and Black Hole, as good as they are, fly to move. They should not be in this challenge.
* **Puffball**: OMGG... [*Subtitles: "Oh my Goikyan Guadeloupe!"*] Clock!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I'm sorry, but your being here is not allowed.
* **Two**: Enough! I have a solution for all of you! I appropriated it from a former episode.
* **Puffball**: How wonderful. So does this mean you'll—

[*Puffball's whole body is held down by duct tape, just as it was from BFB 5 to 8.*]

* **Puffball**: [*muffled*] Well, this brings me back.
* **Two**: You're next, Black Hole! I might need this one in large, though.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, ha ha. /s

[*Two magics up a giant roll of tape. They throw it at Black Hole, who simply swallows it. Two magics up a roll of tape for a second time, which Black Hole swallows again. Two magics up another roll of tape for a third time, which—*]

* **Sound effects**: Chomp! Chomp! Chomp!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You enjoying that duct tape diet, Black Hole?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: As unsolicited as it is, it's actually quite yummy.
* **Two**: Why... is this... not working?
* **T****r****e****e**: Because Black Hole sucks up things you throw at him.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, technically, we only let nearby objects fall into us, which is often misinterpreted as sucking things up.
* **Two**: Enough! I have a solution for all of you!

[*Two presses a button and zaps* **Black Hole** *out of existence. Remote looks at Two, shocked.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Two, you just killed Black Hole.
* **Two**: And?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You're a monster, Two, that is what you are.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, you can't just kill people whenever you feel like it. [*to Pen, who is looking down at something*] Pen, have you anything to add?
* **P****en**: Huh? [*looks up*] Omg, Black Hole's gone.

[*Tree facepalms.*]

* **Two**: There. Now the teams are equal in ability. Can I go back to the phones now?
* **Nic****k****el**: Why do you get to be on the phone while we have to stand here?
* **Two**: Do *you* want to come with me, forfeiting the contest for your teammates and possibly bringing shame to your name, *eh*, Mr. Zero Votes?

[*Nickel pogs.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: On second thought, why don't I just stand here.
* **Co****i****ny**: Good job, Nickel.
* **Two**: Exactly. Now everybody, leave me be and let me know if anybody else has fallen off the beam, yeah? Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye. [*fading out*] I said that three times for each team. Even though my name. Is Two. Get it? Heh heh. It's almost. Like. As if. I—
* **C****l****o****c****k**: ***BYE!***

[*Exit* **Two**, *rolling their eyes. Meanwhile.*]

* **N****a****ily**: Wow, Clock, that was a little out of bounds.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, why are you yelling so much?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Because we want to win. And besides, have you ever noticed that Two never listens, and yet they still get everything that comes to them?
* **Winner**: Don't really care much about the algebralien way, to be honest.
* **Donut**: Yeah, we've got to take care of ourselves first.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: But did you know that Two can't get arrested on this planet, no matter what they do?
* **N****a****ily**: What?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: It's true; I heard it directly from the number.
* **Winner**: I don't think it's *that* bad!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Sure, but how is that fair? It's not, I tell you; it's an injustice!
* **Winner**: Eh...
* **N****a****ily**: No offence, Clock, but I don't really care.
* **Baske****t****ball**: We have a saying where I come from: *Haz lo tuyo, yo haré lo mío.*
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What's that?
* **Baske****t****ball**: You do your thing, I'll do mine.

[*Clock reluctantly gives in.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: By the way, shouldn't we be worried about falling?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Don't worry, Basketball. The five of us are certainly stalwart *and* the opposite of clums—*whooooooaaaa!*

[*Tennis Ball slips and is about to stumble off the beam.*]

* **N****a****ily**: No, TB!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Fall the other way!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I- I- okay!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Not like thaaaaat!

[**Tennis Ball** *and* **Basketball** *fall into the water.*]

* **N****a****ily**: You okay down there?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*floating with Basketball*] I think so!
* **Baske****t****ball**: We're floaters, so we're safe!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*to Naily and Clock on the beam*] And then there were three.

[*Meanwhile, Pen and Tree are sitting on the beam together as the sun shines on them. They are facing the opposite direction from the others.*]

* **P****en**: I love to watch the water.
* **T****r****e****e**: You're looking at your reflection again.
* **P****en**: Isn't it funny how when you're looking down, the guy looking up looks just like you? I tell ya, Tree, it makes me believe there really is a Xanta Claus.
* **T****r****e****e**: Okay then. [*changing the subject*] You know, this is the largest lake on the continent.
* **P****en**: Cool.

[*He starts to swing his legs and Tree begins to notice.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: What are you doing?
* **P****en**: Swingin'. [*laughs a bit*] Wanna try?

[*Tree swings his legs in a much more mechanical way.*]

* **P****en**: Wow, you're really good at this.
* **T****r****e****e**: I wouldn't say that.
* **P****en**: Bet I can swing higher, old man.
* **T****r****e****e**: You—

[*Tree freezes up and averts his eyes to think for a moment. He looks a little upset, but he "smiles" again as he looks at Pen.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Er, Pen... why don't you go have fun with Aresko over there?
* **P****en**: Sure thing! [*gets up*] Hup!

[*He weaves his way past Fries and Nickel to get to the far-left side of the beam.*]

* **P****en**: Excuse me, fellas.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*sigh*] He's so smooth.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Um.
* **T****r****e****e**: What, I wasn't swooning over a writing instrument. I'm meant to be cross with him. Cross Tree. Grr.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No offence, Cross Tree, but you got issues.

[*Remote nudges Tree to sit down.*]

### **Phone box**

**Scene**Two has apparently brought one of the phone boxes from their Party Huis with them to the competition. They press a digit.
* **Automated Voice**: ♫ It's algebralien day! ♫
* **Two**: Nope!

[*Two hangs up and presses a bunch of numbers, seemingly at random.*]

* **Two**: Stupid earth telephones.

[*Two gets connected with their hotel.*]

* **Two**: Hello? [*Pause.*] Yes, I think we'll be on for tonight. [*Pause.*] What? [*Pause.*] Then why did you say— [*Pause.*] Oh. Timetable's changed. [*Pause.*] Yes, I'm alright. Just repeating everything you say so any potential eavesdroppers can— [*Pause.*] No, he's just been eliminated. Today. [*Pause.*] I know, right? Well, I'm off to put my evil plan into action. [*Pause.*] A "yoo-ooy-yoo-ooy" to you too. [*Pause.*] Okay, goodbye!

[*Two hangs up and whistles.*]

### **Balance Beam**

**Scene**On the extreme left of the beam, Pen and Aresko are swinging their legs again.
* **Ar****esko**: I should really do this more often.
* **P****en**: Try to relax a bit, mate.
* **Ar****esko**: Aaaahhahahah! [*points at Pen*] This guy said mate! Again!

[*The two couples on the team, Coiny and Pin and Gaty and Saw notice.*]

* **S****aw**: Ooh, what are you two doing?
* **P****en**: Mm... swinging together.
* **Ar****esko**: I call this "the mermaid".
* **G****at****y**: Why?
* **Ar****esko**: 'Cause mermaids swing their legs like this. [*swings sideways*]
* **G****at****y**: That's not true; mermaids don't have legs to begin with.
* **Co****i****ny**: That's right. They'd more likely go like *this*. Ò!
* **G****at****y**: Now wait, Coiny, I don't think you should—

[**Coiny** *does a move that makes him fall off, along with* **Gaty** *and* **Saw**. *Pin stays on, leaving her, Nickel, Fries and Puffball as the only members of The Alefs who are still on.*]

* **P****i****n**: [*nemini loquens*] Really?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Seriously?
* **Ar****esko**: [*not noticing*] This is so fun, right? Look at me! [*kicks up so high that it looks like he's doing a reverse somersault*]
* **P****en**: Wait, bud, don't go too high!
* **Ar****esko**: Oop!

[**Aresko** *falls into the water.*]

* **Ar****esko**: I'm okay! I landed in the water!
* **Donut**: [*looking through binoculars*] Nice sabotage, Pen.

[*Next to Donut are Tree and Remote, who sit on the beam facing the other way. Awkward silence for a few seconds.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We can make this as awkward as no one wants.
* **T****r****e****e**: Okay. [*sigh*] But it's so much easier when Black Hole's around too.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Are you suggesting I don't give good relationship advice? I can talk the talk just as well as he can. [*gives herself a kawaii appearance*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Nice... face.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Thanks, I look a thousand times younger.

[*Tree puts his hands over his eyes.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Nnnngh! Faaaaark!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What?
* **T****r****e****e**: Can you stop reminding me of how old I am?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: There, there. [*pats his head*] But oh my gosh.
* **T****r****e****e**: What?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think I found what's bothering you.
* **T****r****e****e**: I know well what's bothering me, and today's call from Glenn has just made it worse.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Glenn, your (step)son.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yes. He's been in the States for uni, so I didn't see him again until halfway through the break. Well, when he came back, he'd changed just about everything about himself. He never slept at home, always partied at the Tassieteria—that's our humble version of the Danceteria—and, worst of all, Pen supported him completely.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What's so bad about that?

[*Tree scratches the back of one of his branches.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: He got along with my son faster than I ever could. It took Glenn years to see me as a living member of the plant kingdom, and then one day you see a big sign saying "Glenn 'n' Pen, buddies 4 life" right on the same blasted day he came back. Horrifies me to the core.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So they're friends. I don't see that as a problem. I don't believe you're jealous.
* **T****r****e****e**: I'm not. Look, I can handle Pen's being six years younger than I am, or his acting sixty years younger than me. But when he starts calling himself a party boy fresh out of school and referring to me with words like *old man*, that's when I draw the line.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Old man?
* **T****r****e****e**: Auugh, I hate that! That and *old sport*. Makes me feel like I've lived a more regretful life on Earth than anybody else. Or Methuselah.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But why speak to me about this? I think it would be better if a certain someone else knew.

[*She points at* **Pen**, *who is trying out what Aresko was doing. He kicks too high and accidentally falls into the water.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: If I do that, he'll just be mad at me for not telling him sooner.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Pen, the angry type?
* **T****r****e****e**: He can be, and he was. Once, to be precise: when he made us all watch the sportsball game; his favourite team lost and he got so upset that he tried to punch a hole in my wall. Next thing I knew he was crying in pain, apologizing for raising his voice and offering to make us dinner. Of course I refused because he's no Chef Boyard-tree, but you get the idea that—
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Tree.
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, Remote, maybe you're right. Perhaps I should just... take the plunge once more.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Then do it.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*sighs*] You're the best, you know? I guess you do give great advice after all.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Duh. [*points at the water*]
* **T****r****e****e**: [*to her, Donut and Winner*] Hey, will you hold the fort for me?

[*Winner silently salutes Tree with their arm.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Cheerio.

[**Tree** *jumps into the lake.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: [*from below*] Frick, this is cold!

### **On the way back to the Balance Beam**

**Scene**Two skips happily. They are carrying a small red spray bottle.
* **Two**: ♫ La la la la la la, *la, la, la!* La la, *la, la, la!* ♫

[*Two abruptly stops and smiles at the camera. They show the viewers what is in the spray bottle: "Poisonous fire piranha", and an unknown tells us what it is.*]

* **?**: Poisonous. Fire. Piranha.
* **Two**: The voters voted for this.

### **Balance Beam**

**Scene**Pin, Nickel, Fries, Puffball, Remote, Donut, Winner, Clock, Naily and Price Tag are still on. Price Tag counts in their head.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Hey! There are ten of us left!
* **Everyone**: Yay!
* **N****a****ily**: It's just like that song.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Ooh, what song are you talking about?
* **N****a****ily**: ♫ There were ten in the bed and the little one said... ♫
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: She's a super freak.
* **N****a****ily**: Okay, goodbye.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Naily, wait!

[**Naily** *jumps off.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Price Tag, how could you do that?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: It's not my fault I don't know her cool Japanese nursery rhymes! /j
* **N****a****ily**: [*from the water*] What? That's not... Now Pink Object, that's cool Japanese.

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**, *who arrives on a hang glider. They are still carrying that spray bottle.*]

* **Two**: Did somebody say my name?
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh look, it's our host.

[*The hang glider stops in mid-air, which means that all the contestants see the bottom of Two if they look up.*]

* **Two**: Do you like what you see?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Ew, gross! I mean, a host tampering with their own competition. You can't do that, Two.
* **Two**: Yes, I can! I'm immune from the law, remember?

[*Two uses their powers to make* **Clock** *fall into the lake.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: What the tick was that for?
* **Two**: [*deadpan*] Sink.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Wa-wa-wa-wait, *noooooooooooo!*

[*Because of Two's powers,* **Clock** *becomes so dense that he sinks.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: And then there was one.
* **Two**: Which is one less than *two!* Hel-*loooo!* [*whisper-shouts*] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

[*Nickel holds his legs as if he had arms with which to hold them.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Nickel, what are you doing?
* **Nic****k****el**: I'm rolling!

[*Nickel rolls to the right of the beam, passing Fries and Puffball and knocking* **Remote**, **Donut** *and* **Winner** *into the water.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh no, it's Taggy, Naily's best friend!

[**Nickel** *stops, but in a true "coin lands on its edge" fashion, he flips over and lands in the water.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: I deserved that.
* **Two**: And in last place, for the third time in a row, are Vitas!
* **P****i****n**: Wait, so the contest is over? [*to Price Tag*] Only one of us can win!

[*Price Tag makes a* "凸" *face.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Taggy, I really don't think that was appropriate.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Sorry, I was being cheeky. I'mma see myself out.

[**Price Tag** *jumps off the beam and sort of floats their way into the lake.*]

* **Two**: U are in second place, and The Alefs win!
* **P****i****n**: Yay!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Yay.
* **Puffball**: Mmm!
* **Two**: I'm bored now.

## Post-contest

[*Two zaps* **Pin**, **Fries** *and* **Puffball** *out of existence. They do the same with the* **contestants in the water**. *Until they disappear, we can see Tree about to talk to Pen and Nickel and Price Tag saving Naily from drowning. The lake is eerily silent as there are no more living contestants. Two takes out their poisonous fire piranha spray bottle and is about to use it on the lake, but hesitates.*]

* **Two**: Yeah, I'm not doing this.

[*Two stares at the camera with a guilty smile.*]

### **Voting screen**

**Scene**Two stands in front of the same background as used in the last episode, the one with the rapidly-changing words. Happy music plays to counteract this episode's rather bleak ending; in fact, it is a static-y, disco-influenced version of the theme song.

* **Two**: Vote in the comments using your favourite sequence of letters *and* square brackets for which item you'd most like to see in an episode. That's right! The most common letter in each position will be combined to make your ultimate super-item! P.S.: Worried that your item didn't make it into this episode? Stick around until the end, when you'll really see it in action!

[*Roll credits.*]

### **Front of Two's hotel**

**Scene**Night. Raining. **Two** sits in front of a campfire, roasting marshmallows and sighing languidly. **TUB** appears, leaning against the wall of the hotel.
* **Two**: I can see you, TUB.
* **T****U****B**: Ooh, so it's safe to come out now?
* **Two**: Well, nobody else is alive.

[*TUB rushes over to sit on the opposite side of the campfire.*]

* **T****U****B**: Oh, you must feel awful.
* **Two**: I do. I've got all this liquid and I don't know what to do with it. Perhaps I should drink it.
* **T****U****B**: What? It says in big letters, "Not for consumption".
* **Two**: Not for *object* consumption, the primary demographic of such sprays. It won't affect us numbers; we're practically invincible.
* **T****U****B**: [*starts singing Pizza's song from BOTO*] ♫ I'm invincible! ***Oh!*** I'm ***INVI—***
* **Two**: Shh! Do you want the entire city to hear you? [*points at the city in the distance*]
* **T****U****B**: Why would they hear me? It's practically midnight.
* **Two**: I don't think they're doing fireworks this year. Something about the Cold War.
* **T****U****B**: Oh.

[*Two opens the poisonous fire piranha spray and shares it with TUB.*]

* **Two**: Well, here you go.
* **T****U****B**: [*filling up their cup*] Don't mind if I do.
* **Two**: Chin chin!
* **T****U****B**: Happy New Year!

[*They toast and drink from their bottles at the same time. A sign on the bottom says: "Disclaimer: This product, poisonous fire piranha, contains chemicals known to Goiky to cause 'Dream Island' and death defects or other regenerative harm."*]

* **[** **T****U****B** · **Two** **]**: [*breathing out poisonous fire piranha*] Aaaaah...
* **T****U****B**: Good stuff right there.
* **Two**: I was going to use this on the largest lake on the continent.
* **T****U****B**: It's a good thing you didn't.
* **Two**: Yeah... You know, you don't have to hide yourself. The coast is clear. [*looks around*]
* **T****U****B**: Okay.

[*TUB takes off their balaclava, revealing in their stead the once-ephemeral algebralien* **Five**. *The camera zooms in as though this were not known before.*]

* **Five**: That's better.
* **Two**: And now, we can party... without any intruders!
* **Five**: Yeah!

[*Before Five can start dancing, enter* **Book**.]

* **Bo****ok**: Um... hello.

[*Two and Five look at each other in shock.*]

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

* Fries at Cake at Stake:

**F****r****i****e****s**: I was wondering why it said "Stem Kastje" on there. Hey, Two, is that Dutch?
**Two**: No.

* After his votes are revealed. Even with the innuendo that would only make sense if *in humanaho*, this line is amazingly cheesy:

**P****en**: Aww, Tree, we didn't vote for you because we're crazy; we voted for you because we love you! [*hugs him*]
**T****r****e****e**: [*blushes*] Easy there.

* Snowball and Lightning were going to devour the other contestants' life rings, not because they hadn't had anything to eat in the last twelve months, but because they were eating on a constant basis throughout the twelve months, only to be interrupted by Cake at Stake. Snowball was also going to eat Coiny.
* Snowball wasn't going to die until later. I realized that he would have done the same thing he had done in TPOT 21.
* Puffball's original line, instead of "OMGG", was "*C'est quoi, ce bordel, Clock?*". That's French for "What the hell". She was also going to say that she does have legs, but she doesn't show them. That won't be revealed until later!
* A lost dialogue exchange. I didn't know where to put it, and anyway, Pen couldn't have read a book in the short amount of time between Cake at Stake and the contest.

**P****en**: I mean, I'm a Cancer and you're a Virgo.
**T****r****e****e**: What?
**P****en**: It was in Lightning's astrology book he left behind. Boy, I'll tell you, those things are so cool to read. It's as if they know every single part of your life!
[*Silence from Tree.*]
**P****en**: What?
**T****r****e****e**: Pen, the seventies ended two years ago.

* Remote after Two's hang glider sort of hovers above the contestants. Nobody's really that sassy:

**Two**: How do you like my aesthetic?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: If your aesthetic is us looking up at the haunches of a snake-shaped number, then my name's not Remote.

* The post-credits scene was going to be longer. I decided to move much of it to the next episode.

## Notes

1. ↑ Be gone, Pen! You have no power in this description box!
2. ↑ Liquid water actually does exist on the Moon. It was just discovered years after this episode came out.
3. ↑ Tennis Ball is wrong; the contest with the record player was essentially the same. I need to be more creative.
4. ↑ I want to hear Tree's voice actor say the word "party". No reason.
5. ↑ Hey, if they're in the rain, how can there be a

**Fake TPOT** [V]