The Minion Theory

## ***Minions***

Long considered to be the enemies of a rational mind, the **minions** have infiltrated every conceivable facet of society. Although a hefty method of propaganda by themselves, many Facebook moms have begun to wield their power to push their political agendas. Substituting the past phrase" I'm not racist but.." Minions have received a cult like following that allows their seemingly innocent nature to precede a morally reprehensible opinion to catch people off guard. However little know of the truth of the treacherous tic tacs.

## ***Lore***

Much like biblical teachings, mindless consumers ignore the story of the minions and choose to take it at face value, ignoring the most obvious piece of information about the most devious villains of all of existence

> "They're all different, but they all share the same goal. To serve the most despicable master they could find."
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The narrator would spend more time detailing the various evil they had involved themselves in, from the Tyrannosaurus, upwards to Napoleon, where they found themselves conveniently exiled missing tragedies such as the Cold War and Holocaust. However this does not excuse the other tragedies that the minions had undeniably found themselves wrapped up in. Some of which include the crucifixion of Jesus, the Crusades, and even 9/11. All of these and more were canonically perpetrated by the minions, each death a cruel picture painted by the cold-hearted monsters.

## ***The Fateful Day***

The plane soared through the air gracefully, swaying elegantly. The weather was kind to the citizens of New York on this particular day. However it would not last for long that this peace overcame all, for inside the plane turmoil grew. Tension could be felt throughout but for what reason no one knew. And then one by one the minuscule terrorists jumped from their seats. And as they began their holy journey to the front of the plane terror began to grow. Uncertainty overcame many passengers, until the flight attendants stood in their path, requesting the minions return to their seats. However, before she could finish she was mowed down by the poorly made prison shanks, quickly leaving an unidentifiable bloodied carcass where the innocent women had stood moments earlier. And you could have heard a needle drop, had the plane not devolved into complete and utter chaos. Screams of terror and confusion erupted among the cabins like a contagious plague. And while the minions quickly found themselves opposed by the passengers, they could seldom do anything to stop them. The minions were fueled purely by a need for bloodshed, and body by body navigated towards the cockpit, promptly barricading themselves, trapping the pilots. Quickly grabbing the pistol for defense, the co-pilot quickly loaded several bullets into Kevin, who found himself dazed for a moment, but not falling, slowly taking strides towards the now cowering man, hatchet in hand.

By now the other members had already disposed of the main pilot and rerouted the plane while Kevin slowly but surely dismembered the pilot, spurting blood in every direction. It wouldn't be long before the minions found themselves face to face with history. Soon collision would overpower everything in the aircraft's path. The passengers who previously were too shocked to stop the minions found themselves obliterated from existence. As the tower, which previously stood, received the attack, the smoke began to billow with fires slowly but surely suffocating the unsuspecting victims of the minions. And so the minions flew from the plane in complete ecstasy, satisfied knowing that they had successfully done all that represented life for them. leaving for their next mission with their masterpiece of absolute chaos in their wake.

***Shashlik theory***

Timur Guseynov