Chicken Blaster

***Chicken Blaster*** is the tenth episode of Just Bad Games, released on November 8, 2019.

## Transcript

**Shane**: *Chicken Blaster* was released to the Nintendo Wii and DS in 2009. It was developed-

**Adam**: Wait, didn't we already review this? The horrible light gun game with cartoon chickens and the-

**Shane**: No! That was *Chicken Shoot*. Today, we're talking about *Chicken Blaster*. Completely different!

**Adam**: Come on! The chickens on these covers look near identical!

**Shane**: Funny you should mention similarities. *Chicken Blaster* was developed by Frontline Studios, the same folks that **ported** *Chicken Shoot* to the Wii in 2007.

*(Gameplay from Chicken Shoot, with caption "Chicken Shoot was not very good".)*

**Adam**: Is this a sequel?

**Shane**: Heh heh, maybe?

**Adam**: Oh, for fu-

**Shane**: Much like *Chicken Shoot*, *Chicken Blaster* starts out with a sleepy farmer, except this is somehow lazier.

**Adam**: When *Chicken Shoot* starts, the farmer gets angry because he wakes up to hens nipping at his feed.

**Shane**: But here in *Chicken Blaster*? We've got nothing! Just Farmer Bob here, barely animated on the title screen, sleeping.

**Adam**: What do you think he's dreaming about?

**Shane**: I don't care. I just need to do this right here- hold on.

*(A handkerchief wipes the booger from the sleeping farmer's nose)*

That's better.

**Adam**: The game certainly doesn't give you much in terms of plot in the beginning. What you do get, though, is this weird, ethereal bird that just keeps fading in and out of existence.

**Shane**: Is that a foot sticking out of its butt?

**Adam**: It's like some freak teleportation experiment has gone awry. Notify science!

**Science**: This is science! I don't care!

**Shane**: Look at it. Its dumb little chicken face. I hope you like it, cause you're gonna be seeing it again and again in the game's many loading screens.

**Adam**: It's like it's already experienced the rest of the game, and it's warning us to turn back. This chicken has seen things.

**Shane**: Like the first level of this game, which is- okay. We were pretty sure this game was bound to start on a farm, and it does.

**Adam**: What we weren't ready for is this:

*(Loud game audio)*

An immediate enclave of sensory spiking poultry madness! Look at this slop show!

**Shane**: The dev team pushed the "go" button on their crazy crap machine, with settings set to max.

**Adam**: Welcome to *Chicken Blaster*. Here's two dozen enemies all screaming and spinning around the screen at random. Have fun.

**Shane**: Most games would ease you in. Maybe a little tutorial, maybe a small batch of enemies to deal with at the start. You know, a little breathing room to gently guide you into the wonders of their virtual game world. But here? "Grab your gun! Chickens on the attack! Blast, blast, blaster, blaster"!

**Adam**: And usually, it's one or two enemy types at first, introducing other themed characters later. But here, it's all at once.

**Shane**: You've got your flying chickens, your helicopter chickens, your samurai sword chickens, your chickens with dynamite strapped to their- oh. Oh, oh no.

**Adam**: Hey, let's talk about how bad the animation is. Most of these chickens have really basic looped animations, which is to be expected when a developer's just trying to plop out a barebones title. But look at this chicken right here with the rockets on its back.

**Shane**: It's just being shifted and rotated in virtual space. Did- did they think no one would notice?

**Adam**: In a game where this character may appear super briefly, hey, maybe it could've slipped by unnoticed.

**Shane**: But no word of a lie, this dumb, rotating, rigor mortis bird is in every single level.

**Adam**: Oh hey, and on the topic of stages, let's go ahead and have a look at the selection screen.

**Shane**: A paltry selection of eight levels that you can choose from, and when you do choose a stage, we're brought to- another stage selection screen?

**Adam**: I love this! They prioritized two levels of stage selection over actually animating enemies in the game. That's- that's quality work right there.

**Shane**: Sure, that seems stupid, but it gets worse when you see what stages are on offer.

**Adam**: Okay, well, Farmer Bob needs to defend his farm. That makes sense.

**Shane**: Level two, you move into the barn. Reasonable progression there. On to level three.

**Adam**: Ah, cornfields? Perhaps delving into the farmer's house?

**Shane**: Nah! We're going to the Wild West, son! Farmer Bob is apparently a time traveler now.

**Adam**: Uh, what?

**Shane**: How about infiltrating a freaking castle?

**Adam**: But that doesn't make any sense.

**Shane**: Oh, don't. Just don't. Don't try to place logic or reason with anything you're seeing, and don't expect to see any characters that actually fit these locations. Every single chicken, regardless of their theme, clothing, or whatever basically show up in every stage. It's a complete mess.

**Adam**: Surely though, they must've had some reasoning for making these specific levels. The gameplay must be tailored to each location's theme.

**Shane**: Look at it, Gaze into the void occupying its space. Do you think you would find reprieve in this world? There is not sanity here, only chickens. Chickens! Bawwwwk.

So, you've got this confusing splattering of enemies on screen at all times, plenty of things to shoot at. You'd think taking out these chickens would at least be kind of fun, right?

**Adam**: Wrong. *Chicken Blaster* does something that we simply can't stand in light gun shooters on the Wii: this kind of weird, edging movement by holding your cursor towards the borders of the screen.

**Shane**: When you're nearing the sides of the playfield and you think you've got an enemy in your crosshairs, the screen shifts away, messing up your shot.

**Adam**: And that's if you can even aim at any one chicken. It's a blur of chickens rotating constantly. They literally pop in so fast, you can't keep track.

**Shane**: Watch closely. Enemies just fade into existence again and again. They just materialize.

**Adam**: Each screen has you defeat a set number of enemies. Once you do that, though, you'd expect the game to shift you on to the next section of the stage, but that doesn't happen.

**Shane**: The game is an on-rails shooter that doesn't move itself forward. Once you've hit your quota, you flick the thumbstick and engage an automated movement function.

**Adam**: WHY? Why not move for us?

**Shane**: On-rails shooters usually progress their movement in a way that makes logical sense.

**Adam**: Progress forward, you know, to keep the flow of the game going? Well, forward.

**Shane**: But here, even when you engage that movement, you'll never quite know where Farmer Bob is going. Like, check this out here: watch how the camera actually moves.

*(Camera flies to the castle balcony, then turns around)*

**Adam**: Yeah, can we see that exact movement from another perspective?

*(Diagram showing the character flying up from that position)*

That is- that is impressively stupid.

**Shane**: The thumbstick doesn't just control Farmer Bob. It also lets you scroll through your weapons.

**Adam**: Special weapons, like the Uzi, the shotgun, the grenade, the firework- which aren't worth talking about in the slightest. And then there's this space laser thing.

**Shane**: I swear it's just the BFG from *Doom*, if the BFG from *Doom* sucked at taking out chickens.

**Adam**: Here's the thing about this game: the developers give us a few extra tools to take out waves of chickens, but the chickens barely feel like a threat, even with your standard weapon.

**Shane**: There were several instances in our playthrough where we stopped firing completely, and the enemies kinda barely attacked us. What is this, chickens? Are we not at war?

**Adam**: The core game is so disinterested with holding your attention, your mind will wander aimlessly and- oh. A little squirrel. Look at him with his little nut, just munching away. Here he is again. Hey, fella. Where do you hide all your nuts? Do you have a little squirrel girlfriend? Someone to share your nuts with? Maybe someday, when you've gathered all the nuts, you'll start a family. And oh, won't it be-

*(The squirrel gets shot)*

NOOOO-oooo-ooooo!

**Shane**: Oh, he's fine! He's barely interactive. Look, they programmed him just like the chickens! Feathers fly off him when he gets hit! FEATHERS! This game is terrible!

**Adam**: Surely there is something of substance in at least one of these levels.

**Shane**: Some kind of interactivity, something that stands out, something that makes this stage itself worth visiting.

**Adam**: Well, there is this haunted house.

**Shane**: Oh, great! A paranormal twist to this otherwise failed formula! Maybe we'll see some creepy-looking furniture, broken windows, cobwebs, monsters, and ghouls?

**Adam**: Well, no, actually. Just looks like a regular house with all the lights off. But to make it spooky, they made flat 2-D chicken ghosts that just clip awkwardly through the walls.

*(Chicken ghost wails)*

**Shane**: That's it? That's the best they could do?

**Adam**: The model and stage work are so bad that even the shadows of the characters transition across objects and appear in awkward places. They maybe left that in because they probably thought it looks scary?

**Shane**: Wooooo! Bad game design! Blrlrlrlrrl!

*(Adam yells, then they laugh)*

**Shane**: There needs to be something, anything, to justify having paid for this game.

**Adam**: Oh, oh wait, hold on. What's that? I think I see something in the distance there.

**Money Ghost**: Oooooooh!

**Shane and Adam**: Gasp! Aren't you the ghost of the money we wasted on *Chicken Shoot*?

**Money Ghost**: No! I'm the ghost of the money you wasted on *Chicken Blaster*! Stop buying these terrible f\*\*king games!

**Shane and Adam**: Oh.

**Money Ghost**: F\*\*KING STOP!

**Shane**: Well, all that aside, there's actually one element of this title that you won't find in the original *Chicken Shoot* game: boss fights.

**Adam**: Yes, boss fights! The developers actually capped off every other level with big bad bosses. Witness the viciousness that is the big, antagonistic level end cap!

*(The boss flies around and rotates with no animation)*

**Shane**: I didn't know you could phone in animation, but, here we are. *Chicken Blaster*.

**Adam**: We'd love to tell you that every boss fight is challenging and requires their own special strategy to defeat, but guess what?

**Shane**: They're all taken out in the same way. Shoot down a bunch of their green eggs until the boss health bar activates, then shoot the boss when they glow red. Woo. Each boss might look different, but looks are about all they got.

**Adam**: It all comes down to a conclusion at a- I'm gonna say a chicken spaceport?

**Shane**: Yeah, that's kinda what it looks like, with flying chicken saucers.

**Adam**: After you clear a few waves of enemies- oh, look, there's that squirrel again. Found another nut, huh? Is that a hazelnut? Or a chestnut?

**Shane**: Focus man, focus! After you clear a few waves of enemies, a giant chicken appears in a giant saucer, who shoots out other chickens and saucers. But don't think he's anything special, because he plays exactly like the other bosses do and there's no difference.

**Adam**: Once you easily defeat the boss, the game instantly ends with the following:

**Shane and Adam**: "You finished the fantastic story"!

**Shane**: I'm sorry, wait, "fantastic story"? OH, thanks for letting us know I was looking for that story! Might've missed it!

**Adam**: But you know what you didn't miss? Awful gameplay, awful controls, awful graphics, awful sound, and a simply awful main character. SORRY, BOB!

**Shane**: Shh shh shh. He's sleeping again, and he's got a little boogie.

**Adam**: Anyway, you take all that together, and you know what you get? *Chicken Blaster*.

**Shane**: **IT'S JUST BAD.**

**Purple Money Ghost**: What are you in for?

**Green Money Ghost**: A game about dogs playing football.

**Money Ghosts**: F\*\*k.