The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2016

* Part 1
* Part 2

## Introduction

*Todd plays DJ Snake ft. Justin Bieber - "Let Me Love You" on the piano.*

***THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2016***

***A year-end retrospective***

**Todd**: So...how was *your* 2016?

*Montage clips of Calvin Harris ft. Rihanna - "This Is What You Came For"; Mike Posner - "I Took a Pill in Ibiza"; Flo Rida - "My House"; Sia - "Cheap Thrills"; The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey - "Closer"; Rae Sremmurd ft. Gucci Mane - "Black Beatles"; The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk - "Starboy"; Beyoncé - "Sorry"; Rihanna ft. Drake - "Work"; and Kiiara - "Gold"*
**Todd (VO)**: *[nervously laughing throughout]* Here's the part where I play the dour music and some appropriately grim clips to make it seem like things were really bad and the year was just a long stretch of bleakness. I mean, I do that every year, and it's funny 'cause it's ironic. Like, calm down, Todd. Yeah, it's not funny this year. I don't know why I'm laughing. Nothing's good anymore.

**Todd**: *[finally through]* Look, there's no denying that this was a particularly brutal year.

*Montage of screenshots from various pages all saying basically the same thing: 2016 was the worst year*
**Todd (VO)**: A year in which we kept losing our best and brightest, and empowering our stupidest and worst. And if...

**Todd**: ...there was *ever* a year that the mood of the music scene matched the outside world, it was 2016 'cause the...

*Clips of Rihanna - "Needed Me"...*
**Todd (VO)**: ...pop music of 2016 was fucking dismal. It was like this unending background drone of white noise. Like, even most of the good stuff, the stuff I liked, was pretty downbeat. *[...and Twenty One Pilots - "Stressed Out"]* Not only was most of it not good, a lot of it didn't even sound finished, like it was like a first draft or maybe there were a couple tracks missing from the mix. By July, I was already prepared to declare it the worst year for pop music since I've started reviewing.

**Todd**: But we survived. We're all still here...for the moment, and we need to chronicle the year that was before we deal with the disasters to come. So get ready. We're counting down...

*Clip of Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, and Imagine Dragons with Logic and Ty Dolla Sign featuring X Ambassadors - "Sucker for Pain", which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown.*
**Todd (VO)**: ***The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2016***

**Dan Reynolds**: I'm just a sucker for pain
## #10

**Todd (VO)**: #10.

*Clip of Lorde - "Royals"*
**Lorde**: My friends and I, we've cracked the code
**Todd (VO)**: Look, I like Lorde. Don't love her, but, you know, I liked her. You know, I'm interested to see how she follows up that first album.

**Todd**: She definitely tapped into something, but...

**Todd (VO)**: ...I can't quite nail down what. In 2016, it's hard to remember what made Lorde such a breath of fresh air 'cause, um...

**Todd**: ...the rush to find a new Lorde has turned out very badly.

***#10. Daya - "Sit Still, Look Pretty"***

**Daya**: Oh, I don't know what you've been told
But this girl right here's gonna rule the world
Yeah, that is where I'm gonna be because I wanna be
No, I don't wanna sit still, look pretty
**Todd (VO)**: Turns out *most* teenagers think they and their friends are the first ones who've cracked the code. This is how we wound up with self-impressed, uninspiring smugfests from people like Halsey, Alessia Cara...

**Todd**: ...and the very least talented of them all, Daya.

**Todd (VO)**: It was an interesting perspective three or four years ago, when the big hits were all by will.i.am and Miley Cyrus, but you can't say you're breaking the trend when you're blatantly following Lorde's trend.

**Todd**: I mean, this *is* what every song's like now.

**Lorde**: But every song's like...
**Daya**: You get off on your nine to five
Dream of picket fences and trophy wives
**Todd (VO)**: *[ooh...]* Daya's not gonna be a trophy wife.

**Todd**: Take that, all...no people who was pressuring her to be one.

**Todd (VO)**: Daya didn't write this song, I knew that even before I looked it up because it was so obvious. She's 18, no one's pressuring her to be a gold digger. *[Shot of Steve Buscemi on* 30 Rock*]* That's what middle-aged record industry hacks think teenagers are reacting to 'cause that's all *they* know.

**Todd (VO)**: For the record, this just barely edged out *[clip of...]* Alessia Cara's condescending "Scars to Your Beautiful" to be on the list.

**Alessia**: No scars to your beautiful
I guess because I decided her message of "you're beautiful" was better than...

**Todd**: ...Daya's message of "*I'm* beautiful."

**Daya**: Sure, I'm a pretty girl
Up in a pretty world
**Todd**: Good for you.

**Daya**: No, I don't wanna sit still, look pretty
**Todd (VO)**: I wish people told me to sit still and look pretty.

**Todd**: My options are to sit still and look like wet garbage.

**Daya**: And play dumb
Pretending that I need a boy
**Todd (VO)**: This song sucks. I daresay Daya's only appeal is that her sound is average and unthreatening enough to get played on the radio, which...

**Todd**: ...basically, she *is* sitting still and looking pretty, which is...I don't know, ironic or something.

**Daya**: Oh, I don't know what you've been told
But this gal right here's gonna rule the world
*\*BUZZER\**

*NOT A RHYME*

**Todd**: Next!

*Interlude*

#9
--

**Todd (VO)**: #9.

***#9. Drake & Future - "Jumpman"***

**Drake**: Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, them boys up to something
They just spent like two or three weeks out the country
**Todd (VO)**: To be honest, I'm not sure this is actually one of the worst songs of the year.

**Todd**: It's...just...I can't.

**Todd (VO)**: After listening to all the songs this year, it was impossible to avoid one conclusion.

**Todd**: Drake and Future straight ruined pop music.

**Drake**: I just found my tempo like I'm DJ Mustard
**Todd (VO)**: Is this song that bad? I don't know, I have no idea, I can't even remember it.

**Todd**: Actually, it's one of the few Future songs where I *can* actually remember at least one line.

**Drake**: Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, them boys up to something
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, it's the same word over and over again, but at least I can remember it, and I guess there's that other one, "Wicked."

*Clip of Future - "Wicked"*
**Future**: Wicked, wicked, wicked, wicked, wicked
Hold up, wicked, wicked, wicked, wicked, wicked
**Todd (VO)**: Excuse me, "We-oh."

**Todd**: But except for "Jumpman" and "We-oh," I can't think of a song where...

*Clip of "Used to This" ft. Drake*
**Todd (VO)**: ...I thought Future was memorable at all.

**Future**: Selling dope all my life, I can't do minimum wage
Dirty-dirty money, I got used to this
(????????????)
**Todd (VO)**: *[mumbling] Yeah, I'm a rapper...*

**Todd**: In any case, Future is clearly no longer the future, he's the present, 'cause...

*Clip of Desiigner - "Panda"*
**Todd (VO)**: ...everyone is trying to sound like him when they're not trying to sound like Drake.

And Drake...he's made tons of songs I really liked, but the two of them bring out the worst in each other. Drake's moody monotone and Future's semi-conscious drug stupor combine into...

**Todd**: ...the dullest goddamn sound that unfortunately dominated music this year.

**Todd (VO)**: And, uh...this song specifically, I don't know. I assumed it was about the *[image of, with original name Super Jumpman...]* Mario character in *Donkey Kong*, but apparently, it's the Air Jordan logo. (GOD, I'M A NERD)

**Drake**: I hit the Ginobili with my left hand up like WOO!
**Todd (VO)**: I guess the whole thing is semi-basketball themed, but we already have a great basketball rap song...

**Todd**: ...associated with Michael Jordan, and that's *[clip of B-Real, Coolio, Method Man, LL Cool J and Busta Rhymes - "Hit 'Em High"]* the Monstars' rap in *Space Jam*.

**B-Real**: If I hit 'em high, hit 'em high, hit 'em high
And you hit 'em low, hit 'em low, hit 'em low
**Todd (VO)**: That's not a joke, it's...

**Todd**: ...seriously a much better song.

**Todd (VO)**: I mean, part of the reason I can't tell you any of the lines from this song is because it's from *these* two mush-mouthed mumblers. Future is basically the guy you find in a *[picture of said guy in a...]* puddle of vomit in the alley next to the bar, so who even knows what he's saying?

**Future**:I just seen the jet take off they up to something
Them boys just not bluffing them boys just not bluffing
*Clips from* Dick Tracy*...*
**Mumbles (Dustin Hoffman)**: *[mumbling]*
*...and* Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids
**Mushmouth**: Aww, but youba can'tba freeze no flambe!
**Todd**: They sound like they need to go to sleep.

**Future**: Man, they comin' fast
They never gettin' sleep
**Todd**: Well, maybe you should. Maybe that's why you guys sound like that.

**Drake and Future**: Uh-uh, uh, I think I need some Robitussin
**Todd (VO)**: No, you guys have had enough depressants.

**Todd**: Unless nasal congestion is the reason you *always sound like that!*

**Future**: Nobu, Nobu, Nobu, Nobu, Nobu, Nobu
**Todd (VO)**: Christ, if this is all you have to do to succeed and get legions of imitators, why am *I* trying so hard? Look, here's *my* review.

**Todd**: Drake and Future are *[mumbles...] guy with the thing and the drugs.* Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman

**Drake**: I said, jumpman, jumpman, jumpman
That's boy's up to somethin
*Interlude*

#8
--

**Todd (VO)**: #8.

***#8. Ruth B - "Lost Boy"***

**Ruth B**: I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we're bored, we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
**Todd**: What the hell is this?

**Ruth B**: He said, "Peter Pan, that's what they call me
I promise that you'll never be lonely"
**Todd (VO)**: Ugh. I mean, say what you want about the Lorde wannabes, at least they have some level of self-awareness, some spark of life.

**Todd**: I mean, you'd never catch any of them performing this piece of middle school poetry. This song will get you laughed out of a Wiggles concert.

**Ruth B**: He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe
**Todd (VO)**: I get the feeling Ruth B's notebooks have a lot of *[picture of notebook with...]* drawings and stickers of horsies on them. I mean, she's literally singing about a children's story, and it wasn't even the only...

**Todd**: ...Peter Pan song this year.

*Clip of Kelsea Ballerini - "Peter Pan"*
**Kelsea**: You're just a lost boy with your head up in the clouds
**Todd (VO)**: The other one, also known as the good one, was a country song that used the classic story to highlight the fact that a lot of people forget, which is that Peter Pan is a useless little shit.

**Kelsea**: You'll never grow up
You're never gonna be a man

**Todd (VO)**: Ruth B does not seem to realize that.

**Todd**: Although, to be fair, a lot of adaptations don't.

*Clip from* Peter Pan Live!
**Todd (VO)**: God, I hate you, you...

**Todd**: ...chirping little child abductor.

**Ruth B**: Soon enough, we reach Neverland
**Todd (VO)**: Okay, everyone has the image of Peter Pan, who's, you know, the magical flying kid who promises *[brief clips from* Peter Pan*...]* excitement and adventure to bored, uptight Edwardian children, *[...and the 1960 TV version, featuring...]* and is clearly a middle-aged woman in drag. The thing is, for a song about being magically whisked away to Magicland with magic and all...

**Todd**: ...it's really dull.

**Ruth B**: Away from all of reality
**Todd (VO)**: Where's the excitement?! I mean, shouldn't this be fun? This is all supposed to be a metaphor for...

**Todd**: ...freedom and discovery, right?

**Ruth B**: Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy Darling
Even Captain Hook, you are my perfect story book
**Todd**: Oh, hell, this isn't a metaphor, this is a fanfic!

**Todd (VO)**: It's a self-insert fanfic! God, no wonder it's so serious. I mean, there's nothing wrong with literary allusions like when you rewrote *[cover of Jefferson Airplane - "White Rabbit"] Alice in Wonderland* to be about LSD. But this isn't about a mood or a feeling, it's literally just the plot of *Peter Pan*.

**Todd**: This isn't a song, it's a CliffNotes!

**Ruth B**: Neverland is home to lost boys like me
**Todd**: First star on the left, straight on 'til boring.

**Ruth B**: And lost boys like me are free
*Interlude*

#7
--

**Todd (VO)**: #7.

*Clip of Pitbull ft. Enrique Iglesias - "Messin' Around"*
**Pitbull and Enrique**: I heard it from a friend who
Heard it from a friend who
**Todd**; Poor REO Speedwagon. I was so sad this wasn't...

**Todd (VO)**: ...a hit, 'cause believe me, if it had been, it would be very high on this list. Tragically, I think the Pitbull Era may finally be over.

**Todd**: Gosh, where are we gonna get our tragically misused samples now?

***#7. Machine Gun Kelly ft. Camila Cabello - "Bad Things"***

**Camila Cabello**: Am I out of my head, am I out of my mind?
If you only knew the bad things I like
Don't think that I can explain it
What can I say, it's complicated
**Todd**: Well, if nothing else, this should stop people asking me to cover Fastball on *One Hit Wonderland*.

*Clip of Fastball - "The Way"*
**Fastball**: Where were they going without ever knowing the way?
**Todd (VO)**: See? They *did* do other songs than "The Way." Although they might disown it after this.

*Clip of Fastball - "Out of My Head"*
**Tony Scalzo**: Was I out of my head
Was I out of my mind
**Todd (VO)**: This is their graceful, Paul McCartney-esque piano ballad, "Out of My Head."

**Tony**: I never mean to do bad things to you
**Todd (VO)**: In my opinion, it was even better than "The Way," but...

**Todd**: ...boy, does it not work as a sample.

**Camila**: Don't matter what you say
Don't matter what you do
I only wanna do bad things to you
**Todd (VO)**: Whoa-ho, get that? They changed "I *never* wanna do bad things" to "I *only* wanna do bad things."

**Todd**: They certainly did bad things to Fastball.

*Clips of Sia - "Cheap Thrills"...*
**Todd (VO)**: Now, I know I bag on the Four Chords of Pop, but they keep getting used 'cause it's a tried-and-true formula. It's simple, it's been focus-grouped, and it works. *[...and...]* "Out of My Head," meanwhile, is a rock song which uses a *[pictures of...]* modified descending Pachelbel's Canon progression with some extra chords in there, some sevenths, and secondary dominants; and you know, it's a good structure if you want to sound rootsy and austere, but there's nothing sexy about it. *[Brief clip of Metallica performance]* You might as well have sampled "Master of Puppets" or something.

**MGK**: Nothing's that bad
If it feels good
So you come back
Like I knew you would
**Todd (VO)**: And there's a guy there. This is Cleveland rapper Machine Gun Kelly, and *[clip of the Cleveland Cavaliers' Game 7 celebration]* you know, it's been a decent year for Cleveland, all things considered.

**Todd**: But there have also been downpoints like *[Shots of article: "Browns owners send letter of apology to ticket holders after 1-15 season"...]* Cleveland Browns, *[...and shot of rundown part of city]* the fact that it's still Cleveland...

**Todd (VO)**: ...and this. I mean, I've heard decent things about him, but his first pop hit is just abysmal.

**MGK**: Nails scratchin' my back tat
Eyes closed while you scream out
And you keep me in with those hips
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, didn't white rappers use to have to be interesting to break through? Like funny or provocative or, you know, just novel in some way? Well, now you can be just as generic as anyone else. If there was ever a good year to be a mediocre white man, it was 2016.

**Todd**: Tssh. Does anyone wanna ruin "One Headlight" too?

**Camila**: What can I say, it's complicated
*Interlude*

#6
--

**Todd (VO)**: #6.

**Todd**: Earlier this year, outrage erupted across the Internet when...

*Clip of NewsBeat story covering...*
**Todd (VO)**: ...Twitter announced that it would be shutting down its popular microvideo platform Vine; *[screenshots of various articles detailing the heartbreak]* and I just wanna say I get it. I do. There are a lot of creative people on Vine; and I've lost my platform before, it sucks. But as a pop music reviewer...

**Todd**: ...all I could say was, thank Christ! 'Cause from my point of view, all Vine has ever done for me is give me this.

***#6. Zay Hilfigerrr and Zayion McCall - "Juju On That Beat"***

**Zay and Zayion**: Juju on that beat
Juju on that beat
Juju on that, juju on that
Juju on that beat
Now slide
**Todd (VO)**: I don't know what to say about this that I didn't say about T-Wayne, Silento, and every other shitty Vine dance I've ever had to suffer through.

**Todd**: But as long as they keep showing up, I'm gonna keep putting them on this list.

**Zay**: Leggo, leggo, leggo, leggo
**Todd (VO)**: "Juju on the Beat" is quite possibly the very worst of them yet. From the bad *Big Momma's House* impression at the beginning...

**Zay**: Do that one dance baby
That, that one dance
**Todd**: ...to the fact that they called my dad ugly.

**Zayion**: You ugly
You your daddy's son
**Todd**: How...dare you?

**Zay**: Juju on that beat
Juju on that beat
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, if they mean "juju" in the sense of "cursed," then yes, they are definitely putting some juju on this beat.

**Todd**: It's not even their beat. I remember this from ten years ago.

*Clip from Crime Mob - "Knuck if You Buck"*
**Crime Mob**: Knuck if you buck boy
Knuck if you buck boy
Knuck if you buck boy
**Todd (VO)**: Say what you want about the crunk era of hip hop; at least it had some balls. What the hell is this?

**Zay**: Now do your dance, do your dance, do your dance, aye
You ugly
**Todd (VO)**: These two kids are so devoid of artistic merit that, this is true...

**Todd**: ...no one has even bothered to give them *[shot of Wikipedia page for Zay Hilfigerrr, which prompts to redirect to the song]* a Wikipedia page. Wikipedia has a 2000-word article about *[shot of Wikipedia page about...]* mountains that look like boobs, yet nothing for the rappers behind one of the most popular songs in the country.

**Zayion**: And I'm a Detroit baby
And I don't know nothing else
Besides drinking and having parties
And having some fun
*\*BUZZER\**

*NOT A RHYME*

**Zayion**: I say look in the mirror
What you expect me to do?
I see a 300-S
And got them blacked out rims
*\*BUZZER\**

*COME ON YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING*

**Todd (VO)**: And there's a good chance that these two kids will only ever have this song. And I don't mean that this will be their only successful song, I mean their *only* song. They'll never release anything else.

**Todd**: So let me get my *One Hit Wonderland* episode for them out of the way right now.

***Before the hit***

They were fetuses.

***The big hit***

It sucked.

***The failed follow-up***

There was no follow-up.

***Did they ever do anything else?***

No.

***Did they deserve better?***

God, no!

**Zay**: Running man on that beat
Running man on that beat
**Todd (VO)**: "Juju on the Beat" by whoever and who gives a damn.

**Todd**: Thank God *this* trend is over.

*Shot of article: "Vine Isn't Actually Shutting Down Anymore"*
Oh. Yay. I'm... *[gives a very hesitant thumbs-up]* ...happy for you guys?

**Zay**: You ugly
You your daddy's son
***Please go to Part 2***

**Record instruction**: You have now reached the conclusion of Side 1 of your record. Turn it over and replace it on the turntable with Side 2 on the top.

*Interlude*

#5
--

**Todd (VO)**: #5.

***#5. Shawn Mendes - "Treat You Better"***

**Shawn**: I know I can treat you better than he can
And any girl like you deserves a gentleman
**Todd**: You know, in addition to the Worst Songs of the Year list, sometimes I do this...

**Todd (VO)**: ...little thing privately where I try to make a list of the worst two seconds of the year. Started doing that in 2014 'cause...

**Todd**: ...there were so many awful little moments that year.

***Top Five Worst Two Seconds of 2014***

***#5. "dat booty booty"***

***#4. "it's my right to be hellish"***

***#3. "this. sick. beat."***

***#2. "you know what to do with that big fat butt."***

***#1. "what? I don unnastan"***

**Todd**: Cool, right? Well, anyway, here's my list of the Top Ten Worst Two Seconds in Pop Music of 2016.

***Top Ten Worst Two Seconds of 2016***

***#10. "roommate back in Boulder."***

***#9. "Tupac??!"***

*Clip of Florida Georgia Line - "May We All"*
**FL GA Line**: Play that Travis Tritt right above the 2Pac
***#8. "better than he can"***

***#7. "betta dan he can"***

***#6. "bed a daddy can"***

***#5. "batter candygram"***

***#4. "pat a tan Negan"***

***#3. "pet Dominican"***

***#2. "yabba dabba damn"***

***#1. "Albert in a caaaaaaaaaan"***

**Todd**: Fuck this song.

**Shawn**: Better than he can
*Interlude*

#4
--

*Clip of Meghan Trainor - "Me Too"*
**Meghan Trainor**: If I was you
I'd wanna be me too
I'd wanna be me too
I'd wanna be me too
**Todd**: *[beat]* Meghan Trainor is not on this list.

**Meghan**: If I was you
I'd wanna be me too
**Todd (VO)**: A lot of people told me that this would've been *their* pick for worst song of the year. I thought about it, but ultimately, I have to keep myself honest, I didn't think it deserved to be here.

**Todd**: Not 'cause I liked the song or anything.

**Todd (VO)**: I don't have any desire to hear Meghan Trainor being the *[pictures of...]* poor man's Fergie, who herself was the poor man's Missy Elliott. But this year's pop songs were so dour and sad. I started worrying that pop music was going to hurt itself, like maybe we all need to sit pop music down and tell it that we loved it and encourage pop music to see a therapist.

So, Meghan Trainor, say what you want. At least she had a personality.

**Todd**: If you want to see what this song looks like *without* personality, you can have *this*.

***#4. The Chainsmokers ft. Daya - "Don't Let Me Down"***

**Daya**: Don't let me
Don't let me
Don't let me down
I think I'm losing my mind now
**Todd (VO)**: Welcome back, Daya. Good to see you again. And welcome back, Chainsmokers. Not quite as bad as *[clip of...]* "#selfie," but you guys are apparently around for the long haul. I expect to see you on this list again and again...

**Todd**: ...and again.

**Daya**: I need ya
I need ya
**Todd (VO)**: There's a famous quote that says that *[meme reading...]* talking about music is like dancing about architecture. The point is, it's hard. I do my best, but...

**Todd**: ...sometimes the only thing to say is that it's an ass song that sounds like ass.

**Daya**: Don't let me down
**Todd (VO)**: Literally, it sounds like a high-pitched fart. The drop sounds like they recorded it with a weed whacker.

**Todd**: But it's not just the drop, I just hate every musical element in it.

**Todd (VO)**: Nothing about it means anything. Every single beat and note seems like it was cribbed from the *[cover of...]* Complete Hack's Guide to Production. The lyrics have no connection to anything, and Daya is an empty husk of a performer.

**Todd**: A lot of people said that the Meghan Trainor song reminded them of *[clip of "The Time (Dirty Bit)" by...]* the Black Eyed Peas. Damn right, it does. Say what you want about the Black Eyed Peas; they *knew* they were being obnoxious.

**Todd (VO)**: The Chainsmokers don't seem to have that awareness. They're more like...a car alarm going off. It's not trying to make you angry. It doesn't care. It doesn't have a brain or a soul, it's an inanimate object that's mindlessly blaring useless, meaningless noise.

**Daya**: Don't let me down
**Todd (VO)**: "Don't Let Me Down."

**Todd**: A perfect summary of a year that was a letdown in every single possible way.

*Interlude*

#3
--

**Todd (VO)**: #3.

*Clip of Bryson Tiller - "Don't"*
**Bryson**: Lately you say he been killin' the vibe
Gotta be sick of this guy
Pull up your skirt, get in the ride
**Todd (VO)**: One of the worst trends this year has been the uptick in moody, low-key R&B songs. Heard it's called trap soul: combining soul music with trap music.

**Todd**: Those things don't go together.

***#3. Zayn - "Pillowtalk"***

**Zayn**: Pillow talk
My enemy, my ally
**Todd (VO)**: This is the worst example of it, and again, you can blame this, along with so many other things, on Drake. But Drake only uses those drowsy, half-conscious beats when he wants to sound sad-drunk and miserable.

Why would you use this as the basis of a sexy, baby-makin' love jam; I have no clue.

**Todd**: I mean, I know I hate to be the "things were so much better in my day" guy, but...I mean, there was a song called "Pillow Talk" back in the '70s.

*Clip from* Soul Train *of Sylvia singing "Pillow Talk"*
**Sylvia**: What you friends all say is fine
But it can't compete with this pillow talk of mine
**Todd (VO)**: Listen how much better that is. It's full of lush orchestral music that actually sounds soft and inviting. Something you could have pillow talk to.

Meanwhile, you take Zayn's "Pillowtalk," which has the least pillowy sound I've ever heard.

**Zayn**: Paradise, paradise, paradise, paradise
**Todd (VO)**: In fact, what this song makes me think of is a *[picture of...]* concrete block.

**Zayn**: We'll piss off the neighbors
**Todd**: A big, *[zooming into the picture]* heavy, gray, rectangular, uncomfortable concrete block.

**Todd (VO)**: And this part at the beginning represents what it feels like to try and lay your head on that concrete block, and this part right here represents what it feels like to have it dropped on your balls repeatedly.

**Todd**: God, I can't believe I still have two more of these to go. How many words for dull are there?

**Zayn**: And it's our war zone
*Interlude*

#2
--

**Todd (VO)**: #2.

**Todd**: *[pause]* Remember Macklemore?

*Clip of Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - "Downtown"*
**Macklemore et al**: Cut the bullshit
Get off my mullet
**Todd (VO)**: Y'all decided you didn't like him anymore 'cause, you know, he's so corny, such a try-hard. So you railed at him, "he's lame, let's get rid of him!" Well, I think you drove him off. He is Mackle-no-more.

**Todd**: Here's what you get instead!

***#2. Gnash ft. Olivia O'Brien - "I Hate U, I Love U"***

**Olivia O'Brien**: I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
**Todd (VO)**: Ya happy?! Now you get to listen to *[promo pic of...]* Gnash. G'nash.

**Todd**: G-Nash. I don't know. Goddamn, was it a good year to be a boring white rapper!

**Gnash:** I miss you when I can't sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can't eat
I miss you in my front seat
**Todd (VO)**: "I Hate U, I Love U" was the worst hit song from a boring white rapper by far. I wasn't gonna put it this high, but then I realized...

**Todd**: ...who in God's Name would want to listen to this?! I honestly have no idea!

**Gnash**: Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, this is like every complaint I had about the previous songs being dreary times a thousand. But this one goes the extra mile by also being completely incoherent!

**Olivia**: I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her
So we got a woman singing about how she's in love with a guy who loves a different girl. Presumably, that guy is the rapper, but all he does is rap about his own heartbreak.

**Gnash**: Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
**Todd (VO)**: Are they supposed to be the same person? Or did his girl fall in love with another girl? Is it a mutually unhappy love triangle and he's being mistreated by his crush the same way the singer's being ignored by him? Are they two separate people singing about two completely different situations with no connection to each other at all?!

**Todd**: Whatever it is, the guy still sucks.

**Gnash**: I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings
**Todd (VO)**: No, no, please, we need more emo dudes talking about sadness like they're the first person to discover it. Feel your feelings, brah.

**Todd**: Feelings like...douchey projection.

**Gnash**: Oh oh, keep it on the low
You're still in love with me but your friends don't know
**Todd**: And make sure you make the strongest case possible to get her back.

**Gnash**: And if I were you, I would never let me go
**Todd (VO)**: Oh!

**Todd**: Well then, can't argue with that. If *I* were you, I'd stop making music!

**Olivia**: You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her
## Honorable mentions

**Todd**: *[exhausted]* One more to go. *[Beat]* Aw, the honorable mentions. Let's get that done.

***Nick Jonas ft. Tove Lo - "Close"***

**Nick Jonas**: Close
Ooh-ooh
**Todd (VO)**: Nick Jonas: the poor man's Zayn.

**Nick**: 'Cause space is just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close
**Todd (VO)**: Wh...what?!

**Todd**: What do you think...what do they call the things in the sky, you...?

*He can't do it, so he waves for the next one*

***Charlie Puth - "One Call Away"***

**Charlie Puth**: I'm only one call away
**Todd (VO)**: Not much to say about this except that Charlie Puth sucks, he sucked last year, he's gonna suck this year, and in all likelihood, he'll suck every year after that.

**Charlie**: Superman got nothing on me
**Todd (VO)**: I will say that, after seeing *Batman v. Superman*, I do believe that Superman had nothing on Charlie Puth.

*Clip from* Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice
**Superman (Henry Cavill)**: Save...Martha!
**Todd**: 2016 was the *Batman v. Superman* of years.

***P!nk - "Just Like Fire"***

**Pink**: Just like fire, burning out the way
If I can light the world...
**Todd (VO)**: I'm fairly certain that Pink has released this song six times now.

***Justin Bieber - "Love Yourself"***

**Justin***: 'Cause if you like the way...*
**Todd (VO)**: I guess the lyrics are fine, but pure venom is not a move that everyone can pull off. If anyone else were singing this besides the most famous dickhead in the world...

**Todd**: ...I *might* have bought it.

***G-Eazy x Bebe Rexha - "Me, Myself & I"***

**G-Eazy**: Woo-oo
**Bebe Rexha**: It's just me, myself, and I
**Todd (VO)**: The *other* boring white rapper of the year. Mostly, I'm just pissed off that he's named G-Eazy.

**Todd**: Come on, man. Try harder.

***X Ambassadors - "Unsteady"***

**Sam Harris**: 'Cause I'm a little unsteady
**Todd (VO)**: I just flat hate X Ambassadors. Are they even a real band, or do they just write exclusively for car commercials? They're like badly functioning Mumford & Sons animatronics.

***Alessia Cara - "Scars to Your Beautiful"***

**Alessia Cara**: No scars to your beautiful
**Todd (VO)**: Awful.

**Todd**: There. And now, finally, the worst song of the worst year.

*Interlude*

#1
--

**Todd (VO)**: *[drawing it out]* #1!

**Todd**: I had so many contenders for the top spot this year, I didn't really know which one it was going to be. Then they announced the Grammy nominations.

*Clip from* CBS This Morning
**Gayle King**: Song of the Year.
**Meghan Trainor**: Song of the Year nominees, this is the one I'd...oh, man. Okay. "Formation" by Beyonce.
**Todd**: Uh-huh.

*"Formation" joined by Adele - "Hello" and Mike Posner - "I Took a Pill in Ibiza"*
**Meghan**: "Love Yourself" by Justin Bieber. That was a tricky one. "7 Years" by Lukas Graham.
**Todd**: I don't even know why I'm disappointed.

***#1. Lukas Graham - "7 Years"***

**Lukas Graham Forchhammer**: Once I was 7 years old
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, none of you are surprised, I know. I hated that song so much; I gave it a way too long review. And I still don't think I got to everything. It was like sitting through an hour-long humblebrag that...

**Todd**: ...honestly, wasn't even that humble.

**Todd (VO)**: I didn't even get to bag on the completely insufferable video.

**Todd**: Ugh, God.

**Todd (VO)**: *I'm writing deep lyrics, bro.*

**Lukas**: Soon, we'll be...
Yeah, this is us, we just hanging out with our shirts off. I'm just thinking about the passage of time and life and EXPLOSION!!! And I apologize to Shawn Mendes.

**Todd**: *This* was clearly the worst two seconds of 2016.

**Announcer**: Lukas Graham!
**Todd (VO)**: It's such an astonishingly arrogant move: adding a crowd cheering your name to a song that's supposed to be about your own frailty!

**Todd**: And here's the amazing thing. Check this out.

*Clip of performance on* Good Morning America
**Lukas**: Once I was 20 years old
**Announcer (VO)**: Lukas Graham!
**Todd**: They keep it in during the live version!

**Announcer (VO)**: Lukas Graham!
**Todd (VO)**: Incredible! I mean, this song just falls apart without it, right? Gotta keep that in there.

**Todd**: And guess what. I just heard Lukas Graham's new single.

*Clip of "You're Not There"*
**Lukas**: So give it up for fallen glory
I never got to say goodbye
**Todd (VO)**: It's yet another tribute to his late father.

**Todd**: Can he do it right this time?

**Lukas**: You're not there
To celebrate the man that you made
You're not there
To share in my success
**Todd (VO)**: Of course not! Lukas Graham is sad because there's one less person in the world to heap praise on him and revel in his success.

I may have heard worse songs from worse people, but I can't think of a single one this punchably insufferable.

**Todd**: Lukas Graham, eat my ass.

*Gets up and leaves*

**Lukas**: Once I was 7 years old
*Closing Tag Song: Fifth Harmony ft. Ty Dolla $ign - "Work from Home"*

***THE END***

***This video is owned by me***

***And I was owned hardcore by 2016***

***THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!***

## Footnotes

1. ↑ #47 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
2. ↑ #17 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
3. ↑ #15 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
4. ↑ #14 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
5. ↑ #11 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
6. ↑ #10 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
7. ↑ #19 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2017, did not appear on 2016 list
8. ↑ #58 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
9. ↑ #71 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
10. ↑ #4 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
11. ↑ #52 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
12. ↑ #13 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
13. ↑ #5 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
14. ↑ #68 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
15. ↑ #78 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
16. ↑ #37 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
17. ↑ #97 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
18. ↑ #6 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
19. ↑ #76 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
20. ↑ #41 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2017, did not appear on 2016 list
21. ↑ #63 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2017, did not appear on 2016 list
22. ↑ #28 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
23. ↑ #62 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
24. ↑ #8 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
25. ↑ #35 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
26. ↑ #22 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
27. ↑ #38 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
28. ↑ #66 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
29. ↑ #43 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
30. ↑ #33 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
31. ↑ #1 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
32. ↑ #19 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
33. ↑ #67 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
34. ↑ #30 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2017, did not appear on 2016 list
35. ↑ #12 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
36. ↑ #16 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100