278: I'm Gonna Cast Dis Spell!

## Summary

Try as they might, the party cannot convince the empty-headed door guard to move. The gang leader Opo is on his way down, so Batthwack dramatically upends one of the braziers, causing Will and Raphina to have another mind-altering experience. In the confusion they manage to briefly open the door, getting a glimpse of the key they've been searching for, and releasing Rosco the dog and a familiar-looking St Bernard.

## Synopsis

Will tries to convince the door guard that he's Opo, but they cannot be swayed. He casts *Detect Thoughts*, immediately delving deep into the guard's mind, but finds it largely empty, apart from those things already stated: *"Opo is the leader. Don't let anybody in this room. Opo is coming soon."* Will does however get a glimpse of Opo's appearance: an ibish that resembles a real-world barn owl, but with a completely black face. In a swirl of micro-glitter shimmer, Will transforms his face to look like Opo, but with one bloodshot eye. Batthwack draws his sword. The guard is still not fooled. *"You're not Opo,"* he says, and doesn't move. *"He's coming now."*

Looking up, the group catch a glimpse of someone or something moving into the drumming alcove above them, clearly heading down this way. Will transforms into a bat using his *Cloak of the Bat* and clings to a dark area on the wall. Raphina hurriedly continues to converse with Rosco the dog in dog-speak, still trapped behind the door. *"Why do they have you in there? Why?"* she implores, only to realise she may have strayed too far into the metaphysical for the canine to understand. *"What is why?"* comes the baffled response. In a last ditch attempt, Rosco tries to cast *Suggestion* on the guard, saying *"Touch grass!"* but feels a resounding jolt when the spell meets the guard's blank mind like a brick wall.

Batthwack realises that now is the moment for decisive action and instinctively sprints headlong towards the east brazier, casting *Dispel Magic* and slamming into it with his shield. The intense heat burns him and a loud clang reverberates around the cavern as he connects. The fire in the brazier sputters as Batthwack heaves it up and over, sending its contents spilling out onto the floor.

Smoke billows back out of the archway into the main area and Raphina and Will both get a lungful, succumbing instantly to it's mind-altering effects. Raphina suddenly believes she can not only speak to dogs, but is herself an actual dog. Simultaneously Will suddenly finds himself disgusted by his bat form and is overcome with an intense desire to express his true self. He transforms back into a human and crashes to the floor. Above them, two ibish figures (one with a black face) emerge from the drum room and peer down to see what's going on. A voice yells down *"Sanjay, what's going on?!"* The guard looks up and yells in reply *"One of the braziers got pushed over."* *"Why?"* comes the voice again. *"I don't know."* *"Ah, Sanjay you're worthless."*

Amid the confusion and aided by the smoke, Raphina dog-trots undetected around behind Sanjay the guard and paws at the large metal door's lever handle. Her hand/paw thwops down on the handle and the door swings inwards. A foul odour, a mixture of dog poop and death, emanates from within. A brief glimpse inside the room reveals it's very small and in it's centre is a stone pedestal with something on it. Before any more can be discerned, two dogs burst out of the room: first Rosco and then a large St Bernard. Rosco the dog immediately runs over and jumps up on Rosco the man, putting one paw on his thigh and the other in his balls. He has a severed arm in his jaws. *"Ew, Rosco, what are they feedin' you down here?"* says Rosco, and Raphina can understand the dog's excited yowls in response: *"Arms!"* The smoke's effect on Rosco seems to have worn off by now and he's no longer angry at his beloved dog-friend, and picks him up. He's also relieved to see that Rosco has Rudy with him.

Sanjay pays very little attention to all these events, simply turning to close the door. Before it clangs shut, they get a glimpse of the item that's sitting on the pedestal: a large, black-purplish mushroom growing on/around a key. Raphina turns to the aloof St Bernard. She woofs in dog-speak *"Do you know Bernard?"* and to everyone's astonishment, they can all understand the animal when it says *"Maybe!"* Raphina asks in normal speech *"Are you Bernard?"* and the same reply comes: *"Maybe!"* Raphina tries to control her excitement and switches back to dog-speak to say *"Am I supposed to be concealing your identity?"* and the St Bernard simply replies enigmatically once more. *"Maybe!"*

Before anyone can try to comprehend what this means, attentions are drawn to Opo and his companion who arrive on the floor. Even up close it's not clear whether Opo's feathers are naturally black or not, but it's now apparent that a lot of his head feathers are either missing or very short. The other ibish is much smaller, and sports the usual black rings around his eyes. They're both dressed all in black, like many of the Sooty Gang. Without really taking any note of the party, Opo runs over to the spilled brazier and immediately buries his head in the smouldering embers. His muffled voice can be heard, *"No use lettin' it go to waste!"* His companion follows a short way behind, calmly taking in the room.

Will picks himself up and begins to stride purposefully towards the middle of the room. Utterly unashamed to present himself as he really is, he dispels all the cosmetic improvements he'd made to himself with his *Mask of Many Faces*. His hair is looking a mess, he's way too tired, there are wrinkles that aren't normally visible, the streak in his hair is more obvious. Leaving no stone unturned, he even hikes up his pant leg to display his invisible ankle. As he does so, his invisible foot goes down on the floor, and he instantly clips forward and materialises at the centre of the room. He looks down at himself in awe, and feeling self-assured he adopts a hands-on-hips pose for all to marvel at.

Meanwhile, Opo's companion is helping him out of the embers and swatting at his face to put out some smouldering feathers. It suddenly becomes clear why Opo's face feathers are so sparse. Batthwack turns and charges at the west brazier, meeting it with another resounding clang. This one however is a much tougher obstacle than the first, and he cannot tip it over. The noise draws Opo's attention, and he yells angrily *"What the fuck you think you're doing?!"* and begins striding towards them. Realising the jig is most definitely up, Batthwack readies a javelin and Rosco follows suit by prising the severed arm from Rosco dog's jaws and picking him up in preparation to throw him; an attack they've clearly made use of many time before.

*"Javelin!"* cries Batthwack.

*"Rosco!"* cries Rosco.

*"Authenticity!"* cries Will.

*"Mayonnaise!"* cries Raphina.

## Quotes

Add memorable quotes from the episode here!

## Trivia

* The episode title comes from a moment when Abby misheard Alex. He said *"I think before I close with the brazier, in the event that it's magical, I'm gonna cast* Dispel Magic *on the brazier."* Abby (thinking he said *"I'm gonna cast this spell"*): *Is that a spell, 'Magic'??"* Eric: *"Dispel."* Alex: *"I'm gonna cast dis spell!"* Eric: *"Rosco pronounces it 'this spell'."*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: arcadian.

## References

1. ↑ Not that we have any idea what "Rudy" is yet!