TRP: Amari, Goro, and Sam (Hemlocks)

LINA

[Setting: Day 406, while the rest of the party is fighting pirates.]

It was a pleasantly balmy day, but Amari sensed a nip in the air signaling the weather would soon take a turn. She decided to spend the afternoon getting some work done in the garden.

As she made her way to the far end of the flower beds, she was startled to notice a man she didn't recognize at the edge of the woods. He was lying propped against a tree, and appeared to be asleep, though he was frowning.

Amari's first concern was that he might be injured. She removed her gloves and set them next to her spade, then approached the man.

"Sir?" she called.

IZZY

He shifted a little in his sleep.

LINA

Amari edged closer, scanning what she could see and finding no visible wounds. She knelt beside the man. "Sir," she said again.

IZZY

He twitched awake abruptly, jerking away from her a bit and blinking at her in alarm.

"Uh," he said.

LINA

Amari smiled, hoping to put him at ease. "Hello. I came outside to garden and noticed you sleeping here. Are you alright?"

IZZY

He cleared his throat awkwardly and blinked at her a couple more times. "Yeah. I'm all right. Thanks." He glanced past her uneasily. "I can go."

LINA

Judging by the man's appearance, Amari feared he might not have anywhere to go. He seemed polite, and if she had to guess, he thought sleeping in sight of the castle might make him less of a target to any bandits in the area. "That's not necessary. Are you hungry? Do you need a place to stay for the night?"

Goro would be very angry, but Amari didn't think there was any harm in letting travelers stay in the old barracks.

IZZY

He stared at her blankly, clearly confused. "What?"

LINA

"We have plenty of food and warm beds in the castle."

IZZY

"I'm ... all right," he said again. "I mean. Thanks. But I was just, you know. Catching a cat nap."

LINA

"I see. What's your name? I'm Amari." She held a hand out for him to shake.

IZZY

"Sam," he said slowly, taking her hand. "You're ... Goro's mom, right?"

LINA

Amari was taken aback at first, but she recovered quickly as things fell into place. "Oh! Sam. Goro's friend. Yes, I'm his mother. I didn't realize you were in the area. What on earth are you doing napping outside, sweetheart? You could have come and knocked on the door."

IZZY

"Uh." He glanced past her again. "I guess. I don't know. Are Goro or Mishka around?"

LINA

"The boys went on a picnic today. You can still come inside to wait, if you like. Have you had anything to eat? It's past lunchtime."

IZZY

He squinted like he had to think about it. "Yeah. Yeah, probably. Ah, I uh, I don't want to be a bother or anything. I'm not ... waiting for anyone." He stopped there, awkwardly.

LINA

"Oh, you're not a bother, don't be silly. Like I said, we have plenty of food. Come, come inside." Amari stood up and brushed the dirt off her knees.

IZZY

Sam didn't look like he quite knew how to react to that, but he said, "Uh. Okay," and pushed himself up to follow her.

LINA

Amari led the way to the doors, glancing back every now and then to make sure he was following. "So what brings you into town, Sam?"

IZZY

He trailed along obediently, seeming sort of baffled. "I was going to talk to Goro. And -- some other shit." He hesitated. "I don't know ... what you know."

LINA

"Hmm. Well, Goro often tells me things, but he can be very cryptic and hard to understand. Is it about the snake demon? I'm not entirely sure what happened, only that Goro is very scared of it and Hansel is furious."

IZZY

"Yeah, that motherfucker." He frowned deeply. "I just, uh. I wanted to see if there was anything I could do. For Goro, I guess." He picked at his fingernails a little. "I guess he just didn't want to talk to me."

LINA

Amari stopped walking and turned to face him. "Oh. Oh, Sam." She put a hand on his shoulder and looked up at him sympathetically. "You came to check on him? That's so kind of you. Thank you."

IZZY

He glanced at her hand sort of suspiciously. "Yeah. Well."

LINA

Amari withdrew her hand and kept walking. "I'm sure he would have wanted to talk to you, if he could. When he gets very upset, he has a hard time talking to anyone. Even his husband and his best friend. He just needs a little time, when that happens. Already, this morning, he seemed to be feeling better. He'll be excited to see you when he gets home."

IZZY

"Oh." He sounded sort of uncertain. "Yeah, I mean. I didn't mind him not talking. He was fucked up."

LINA

Amari nodded. They reached the door to the sun room and she opened it, motioning for Sam to go in ahead of her. "And he -- well, I'm not sure how well you know him yet, but he's extraordinarily determined, often to the point of foolhardiness. He'll take his rest days, but then all at once he'll decide he needs to do something, and today that thing was going on a picnic. I hope he's not overextending himself."

IZZY

"Oh. Huh." He blinked, still seeming like he didn't know what to make of this. He ducked in ahead of her quickly so that she wouldn't have to hold the door for long, glancing around at the sun room. "Uh. Thanks for ... telling me."

LINA

"Oh, of course. I know Goro's behaviors can be perplexing sometimes. Here, here, the kitchen's just through this door. Do you eat meat?"

IZZY

Sam tried to step on ahead of her to get the door to the kitchen.

"Yeah." He paused for a second, thinking. "Which one of you doesn't eat meat? I think Mishka told me."

LINA

"It's Hansel. Oh, thank you, sweetheart," she said when he opened the door. She stepped into the kitchen and gestured to the table. "Please, take a seat. How does a turkey sandwich and some vegetable soup sound?"

IZZY

"That sounds like a lot of effort for you to go to," he said doubtfully, not sitting.

LINA

"It's no trouble at all. The soup's already simmering." She went to the stove to check on it, and when she took the lid off its aroma filled the room. She gave it a stir.

IZZY

He kept looking unsure, but sat down slowly, and said, "Okay."

LINA

Amari ladled up a bowl for him and placed it on the table with a spoon, then got to work making a sandwich. "How long will you be in the area for? Do you need a place to stay tonight?"

IZZY

"Uh. I already spent the night," he admitted. "Outside. I'm fine."

LINA

Amari paused and gave him a slight frown, then went back to making the sandwich. "Well, I suppose it is warm out, still. But you may as well sleep inside tonight. We have the space."

IZZY

He shifted uncomfortably, fiddling with his spoon. "Ehh. I appreciate it. I really only know Mishka and Goro, though. I don't want to ... you know. Other people live here."

LINA

Amari brought him the plate with the sandwich on it and set it in front of him, then took the chair across from his. "You don't want to what?"

IZZY

He shrugged a shoulder. "Impose." He glanced at the plate and back to her, looking vaguely guilty about the food. "Thanks."

LINA

Amari reached across the table to put a hand over his. "Sam. I've made it my life's work to feed and heal people. You're a friend of the family, and you're welcome in our home."

IZZY

He frowned a bit, glancing at her hand again. "It's not just your family's home, though."

LINA

"How do you mean?"

IZZY

"Raef lives here."

LINA

"Raef is family."

IZZY

"Yeah, well," he said. "He doesn't like me. I'm not going to come into his house and ... be a fucking nuisance. You know?"

LINA

"Oh." Amari pulled back, blinking in surprise. "He doesn't like you? Hm. Well. The good news is, it's a very big castle."

IZZY

Sam just frowned at her.

LINA

"You came all this way to check on my son," Amari said fervently. "I won't have you sleeping outside in the cold."

She'd said herself it was warm out, but -- that nip in the air. It was enough to awaken her motherly sensibilities.

IZZY

"It's not cold."

LINA

"It's too cold to be sleeping without shelter," she said, her tone making it clear she would not be accepting any further arguments. "If you won't spend the night in here, at least let us loan you some proper camping gear."

IZZY

"No, no, really. It's fine. I'm warm," he insisted. "I sleep outside all the time."

LINA

"I suppose you do look like a nature lover," she allowed.

IZZY

He squinted. "I do?"

LINA

"Yes, you know, you have that... rustic look."

IZZY

He kept looking confused for a moment, then said, "Oh," and started picking at his hair, pulling out a tangled leaf. He jingled a little from the movement and looked embarrassed. "Right."

LINA

Amari smiled. "I can see why you and Goro get along."

IZZY

"Well." He kept picking at his hair, frowning a little in distraction, still jingling. "I mean. It wasn't ... easy."

LINA

"Making friends with Goro? No, I imagine it wasn't."

IZZY

"Hm?" He fumbled through his hair, finding a frazzled braid and starting to untangle it. "Oh. Nah. It's not like it was his fault. Not entirely." He reached the end of the braid and scowled. "I mean, look at me."

LINA

"It seems like the two of you have some things in common," was all Amari would say. "That could create some difficulties, as well as a tight bond."

IZZY

"Yeah, I guess." He went on pawing through his hair, finally finding a braid with a small silver bell woven into the strands. He looked pleased -- his expression softening -- and started unraveling it. "He's pretty sure I don't like him. I don't know. I thought ... if I talked to him, and I showed up, maybe. You know."

LINA

Amari smiled again, softer this time. "Oh. I hope you don't take it personally. He has a very hard time letting himself be loved."

IZZY

Sam frowned, again, and shrugged noncommittally.

LINA

At that, she grew slightly concerned. "Has he been very harsh to you about it? He has his reasons, but I'm hoping he'll learn to do better."

IZZY

He shrugged again, pulling the bell loose from his hair carefully and looking down at it in his palm for a moment. He moved it a little, listening to the jingle. "Um," he said. "I don't have a lot of friends. I don't know what counts as harsh."

LINA

Amari gave a little sympathetic murmur. "If it hurts your feelings. If it seems unfair."

IZZY

Sam looked uncomfortable. He palmed the bell and tugged a necklace loose from under his tunic,  and started fiddling with the bell to attach it to the chain. "Yeah," he muttered reluctantly.

LINA

Amari nodded knowingly. She was sad, but not surprised. "He does his best. He really does. But it's only from making mistakes that he can learn to do better. That's how we all are. I'm sorry he was unfair to you."

IZZY

"It's ... okay," Sam said doubtfully.

LINA

"You must really care for him, to keep reaching out the way you have been," she said.

IZZY

He finished with the necklace and tugged the odd, opalescent dark stone away into his tunic again. "I don't know," he admitted. "I didn't, but ... I guess, yeah."

LINA

"He has a funny way of growing on people," Amari said thoughtfully. "I'm not sure what it is. Would you like some tea?"

IZZY

"Um." He looked down at the food, which he'd barely touched. "I honestly don't need anything. I'm fine." Looking back up, he asked, "What did you mean when you said it was your life's work to feed and heal people? What is that?"

LINA

Amari got up anyway to make herself some tea, moving the kettle onto the stove and going to the cupboard for a mug.

"I'm a cleric," she said. "I joined the Church of Helm when I was young, some -- oh my. It must be fifty years ago now." She shook her head. "Are you from Skyport, Sam? I don't know how much you know about the church."

IZZY

He nodded, looking wary. "I am, yeah."

LINA

"I loved the doctrine of Helm so much," Amari said sadly. "A protector, dedicated to preserving life. Within months of joining the church, I felt lost and confused. The abbey is run like a business, more concerned with filling its coffers than helping those in need." She poured water over the tea leaves in her mug and took a step back from the counter, ruminating.

IZZY

"Yeah," Sam said again, after a beat. He pulled one boot up into his chair.

LINA

"So I started to -- oh, how did Goro put it. Go rogue." She smiled at Sam. "It was my calling, I decided, to do Helm's work whether or not my superiors in the church gave their blessing. When I see someone in need, I do whatever is in my power to aid them. Sometimes, it's only a kind word or a pat on the back. Sometimes it's life-saving medicine. It's very simple, really. I can't help everyone, and I don't always have much to give, but it's easy to do my part in any case. Of course, I don't follow Helm any longer, but I believe Eldath was guiding me all this time, anyway."

IZZY

Sam listened intently with a serious, interested look on his face, one arm looped around his knee and the other hand playing idly with the bit of his necklace that peeked out of his tunic. He waited, for a moment, like he was being sure that Amari was done talking, then eagerly asked, "I don't know Eldath. What's that one about?"

LINA

"She's a goddess of peace, and quiet glades. Still pools, and waterfalls. Anywhere in nature you feel a sense of calm, that's the presence of Eldath." Amari picked up her mug and took a sip. "Are you sure you wouldn't like some tea, sweetheart?"

IZZY

"I'm good. Thanks." He was quiet for a beat. "You really ... mean all that, huh. About helping people. You helped Goro?"

LINA

"Mm." She nodded, bowing her head over her cup. "He was arrested for pickpocketing when he was eighteen. As it wasn't a violent crime, his sentence was service to the church. I was frequently assigned to watch over convicts, as I got along with them better than most of the clerics. I saw a lot of young people like Goro. Homeless and destitute, committing crimes out of desperation. But something about him--"

She paused for a long time, frowning slightly. Then she shook her head once. "My intuition -- maybe Eldath, maybe just my heart -- told me he needed me desperately. It was time for me to take an apprentice, anyway, so I chose him. To teach him to be a healer, of course, but my covert intention was to teach him he was worthy of love. A much more profound and crucial lesson."

IZZY

Sam just watched her, playing absently with his necklace and looking vaguely sad. He seemed to realize he was supposed to say something, after a moment, but just said, "Oh."

LINA

"In many ways, it was a matter of luck, and timing, that the two of us found each other," Amari said. "Looking back, I believe I see the hands of Mask and Eldath nudging us together, for reasons we may never understand. But in particular, I was drawn to him because I sensed he was truly alone. Most homeless children, you know, they band together. They form tight bonds. But Goro struggles to connect with people, as you've no doubt seen. He was in and out of gangs. He tried his hardest--"

She paused, suddenly, and took a moment to collect herself.

"But it wasn't the right time, or the right people. When he came to me, it was the right time, and the right person. That's all."

IZZY

"Yeah," Sam said quietly. "Yeah. It's good you ... found him. When you did."

LINA

She nodded. "We were very fortunate." She watched Sam for a moment, tilting her head thoughtfully. "Will you tell me your story? It seems like this is striking a chord with you."

IZZY

He shifted awkwardly, and kind of shrugged, avoiding her eyes. "My mom ditched me on the street when I was about ... eight. That's all."

LINA

Amari's brow furrowed deeply. "Oh, Sam. I'm so sorry."

IZZY

Another vague shrug. "She couldn't feed me anymore, anyway."

LINA

"And are you--" She glanced meaningfully at the untouched soup and sandwich-- "still learning that you deserve food as much as anyone, or are you just not hungry?"

IZZY

"Oh." He glanced down, too. "No, honestly. I'm just not hungry. I can feed myself just fine now."

LINA

"It's different, you know. Goro feeds himself. He eats whenever he's hungry. But he feels guilty having anything decadent. He won't admit it, but he does."

IZZY

He frowned a bit. "I mean, yeah. Decadent things usually aren't worth the money."

LINA

"Hmm." She dropped that particular thread. "How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I wonder if you and Goro ever crossed paths."

IZZY

"Thirty-eight or so."

LINA

"Hmm. So, not much older. I gather you were never arrested and sentenced to any service, though, or I would have seen you around the church." She smiled playfully over her mug.

IZZY

"No." He shook his head, and admitted, "I mean, I picked pockets, too. But not that much. I wasn't good at it. I had, uh, this friend, who did, and I was good with music." He tapped the lyre on his back. "So I did that. Busking. And I apprenticed with this alchemist, for a while, and ... sort of did that. I sold potions. It was on the up-and-up."

LINA

"Oh, potions. That's interesting. I hope you'll forgive me for knowing little details, but I understand you share Goro's interest in... unusual magic." Afraid it would come off too vague, she added, "He told me you're a warlock."

IZZY

"Oh. Yeah, I am."

LINA

"He was all aflutter about it. How long has that been your calling?"

IZZY

"Uh." He looked a bit uncomfortable. "About fifteen years."

LINA

"It must mean a great deal to you, for you to be committed that long."

IZZY

"Yeah," he said hesitantly.

LINA

"If it makes you uncomfortable to talk about, I won't pry," she told him. She smiled fondly. "I just always am curious to learn what people are passionate about. What brings meaning to their lives. Particularly for those like you and Goro, who struggled so much early on."

IZZY

He was quiet for a moment, bouncing his leg. "You seem ... really fucking nice, and ... not judgmental," he said slowly. "Goro hasn't told you anything about me?"

LINA

"Hm, let me see." Amari thought for a moment. "He told me you're a warlock, and he was very excited because he said you were 'cool.' He said you rescued him from pirates, although I'm not sure it really happened the way he says it did, because Goro seems to have a lot of stories about run-ins with pirates, and I don't think his definition of being rescued is the same as most people's. But in any case. He said he's talked to your patron, and seems to find him a good source of information. I don't know. It's not the snake demon, is it?" She suddenly looked unwell.

IZZY

"No," Sam said quickly. "No. No, no. Not that one. Ah. That one and my patron are ... enemies." Then he paused, and looked sort of sheepish. "Uh. Anyway, I'm just -- I was just asking because ... You sort of remind me of someone else who was curious about my patron. But if you don't know anything about him, never mind."

LINA

Amari was distracted, momentarily, thinking through this. "Well, then, I have a guess what happened. Knowing my son. He feels loyal to you, and also your patron, and when he heard about this snake demon who is your patron's enemy, he decided to track him down for questioning." She pointed at various spots in the air like she was connecting dots. "Is that right?"

IZZY

"Not really." Sam ran a hand over his hair, fingers tangling a little. "If ... he hasn't said anything, I feel like I shouldn't, either. Sorry."

LINA

"Oh, there's no need to apologize. I know Goro would appreciate you honoring his privacy. I'm sure if I sit him down and ask, I can find out the story. But I'll be honest, often my policy is just to look the other way with him." She let out a little sigh. "Always getting himself tangled up in such dangerous things. It frightens me. I'm just glad he has Hansel now, looking out for him."

IZZY

He went back to playing with his necklace. "Yeah. It's good to have someone watching your back." Then he hesitated a little. "Do you, uh. Do you know Hansel very well?"

LINA

Amari smiled again. "Not as well as I'd like. He's a bit reticent around me. But I know him fairly well. Why?"

IZZY

"Ah, just." More hesitation. "You know. The ... not having a lot of friends thing. About half of my friends have the same husband."

LINA

"Mm. Is Hansel not a friend, then?"

IZZY

He shook his head.

LINA

"Hmm." Amari tapped her chin while she thought. "Hansel is fiercely protective. I can imagine him being skittish around someone both his husbands are friends with if he didn't get to vet them first. Have you tried getting to know him at all? Maybe he just needs to spend some time with you."

IZZY

"No." Sam looked uncomfortable. "I don't ... want to spend time with him. I mean. I don't know. It's -- it's fucking awkward trying to spend time with someone when they're with their partner, that's all."

LINA

"Just the two of you? I know it's hard to catch him without one of them on his arm, but it's possible."

IZZY

"I don't know why he would want to anyway," Sam muttered. He shrugged it off. "I'm not that great at being around people. I had to -- with Goro, and with Mishka, at first. That made it easier."

LINA

"Hmm. You know, I have good reason to believe Hansel isn't typically put off by people who aren't great around others." She winked at him.

IZZY

Sam just kind of stared at her blankly.

LINA

"He just married Goro," she said.

IZZY

"Yeah."

LINA

Amari decided not to keep nudging in that direction. "You know, I think if you asked Goro or Mishka to arrange some time together for just you and Hansel, he would do it for them. He'd do just about anything for them."

IZZY

"Ehh." That didn't seem to make Sam feel better. He went back to playing with his necklace.

LINA

"Well..." Amari's tone changed to a practical, problem-solving one, like she was discussing the best way to get a chore done. "I suppose you have a few options, then. You could just carry on like you have been, feeling awkward about Hansel. The downside there is you'd always have a little unpleasant tinge to your relationships with Goro and Mishka, and that's no good." She paused and looked at Sam, waiting for him to agree.

IZZY

Sam looked down, sullen.

LINA

"You could try to get to know Hansel better yourself. That could be a bit intimidating, I know. He might not seem very receptive to it, at first."

IZZY

"I used to have this friend," Sam blurted. "Corinne. We grew up together -- on the streets. She was the pickpocket. And we were close. Closer than anything. Except, when we got older, she started dating someone. His name was Ronan." He twined the chain around his finger, still looking down, like he was embarrassed or ashamed. "Big guy. We were friends, too. He was ... fine. I liked him. But I couldn't ..." He hesitated.

LINA

"Mm." Amari leaned against the counter. She spoke gently. "You weren't a part of what they had."

IZZY

He nodded, looking off to the side. "I know it wasn't fair to him," he muttered. "He didn't do anything. I couldn't figure out how to ... not be jealous, though."

LINA

"It's a natural way to feel, when you've lost something," Amari assured him. "It's also natural, when you've been hurt before, to be on the lookout for ways it might happen again. Our minds are always on the lookout for patterns. It's how we survive in the world." She paused a moment to let him process that much. "But Goro and Mishka aren't your friend Corinne. And Hansel isn't Ronan."

IZZY

"Yeah. He's not. He isn't my friend. And he has ..." Sam scowled and gestured vaguely. "You know. He had them both first, and longer. Who the fuck am I, you know?"

LINA

She tilted her head. "Are you worried he'll tell them to stop seeing you?"

IZZY

"No." He kept scowling.

LINA

"Hmm." She sipped her tea as she mulled things over. "It's interesting. I really do see a lot of similarities between you and Goro. He frets about whether he really means much to people, even Hansel. And it's because it's all so new to him, really. If you haven't seen examples of what a robust network of friends and family looks like, it's easy to suspect yours might not be quite right, or quite real.

"And what I tell him is--" Amari raised her eyebrows meaningfully at Sam, since this was meant for him, as well. "--to take a walk in the forest, and think of the alder trees, and the firs, and the hemlocks. Do you know the difference between those trees, Sam?"

IZZY

He looked at her reluctantly. "... No."

LINA

She'd been expecting as much. Goro didn't know them, either. "Alders like to grow near river banks. Flood plains. But more than that, they're often the first tree to grow in an area that's been ravaged by fire. Their roots aren't deterred by the ash. Over time, as they grow and reproduce and die, they enrich the soil, fertilizing it for other trees to grow. Alders can start a brand new forest by themselves.

"That's what's needed for firs to grow. After a few decades, the firs dominate the woods, growing tall and proud. They live long, and it can take hundreds of years for hemlocks to join them. Hemlocks grow on fallen firs, the ones that die from old age or fall in windstorms. What charming trees they are, intrepidly growing on the rot. Beautiful lacy foliage, flexible branches that withstand snow and wind. I love hemlocks."

She stopped for a moment, smiling fondly.

"Walk through very old forests, like the one we have here outside the castle, and you'll alders, firs, and hemlocks alike, along with countless other trees, and shrubs, and flowers, and animals, and spirits -- all living in balance with one another, all contributing something special to the life and beauty of the forest.

"Now here's my question, Sam." Amari held up a finger, forcing a pause. "Do the hemlocks wish they were alders?"

IZZY

He seemed confused by the lecture on forest lifecycles, but listened with the same pointed attention he'd had before. Then he frowned, and bluntly said, "No. They're ... trees."

LINA

Amari nodded in agreement. "They exist in harmony with nature, and as such, do not suffer. Imagine how sad it would be, for these beautiful trees to fret, to think they're not as important because they haven't been in the forest as long."

IZZY

Sam kept frowning. "Sure, uh, I get ... what you're saying, but trees don't think or fret or suffer because they're ... fucking trees. I'm a person. Who has to live with other people. That's pretty fucking different."

LINA

Amari nodded again, still smiling fondly. She'd expected as much. "Maybe so. It's rare we can change everything about our lives by taking a walk in nature. But it can impart little lessons to us sometimes, hm?"

IZZY

He looked stumped, but said, "Yeah, maybe."

LINA

"I tell Goro: don't fret; observe. Observe the unique and beautiful role you play in people's lives. I'll say the same to you, Sam. Hansel being important to Goro and Mishka doesn't mean you don't matter. Just observe."

IZZY

He was still frowning, like he wasn't quite buying what she was selling, but said, "I can try. Thanks for ... trying to help," anyway.

LINA

"Trying is all any of us can really do, when you think about it." She studied him for a moment, then tipped her head to the side. "Who is it that you said I reminded you of? I'm curious."

IZZY

"This ... paladin I used to know."

LINA

"Oh?"

IZZY

He shrugged a shoulder, looking uncomfortable again. "They were ... really curious and wanted to help, too. That's all."

LINA

Amari put two and two together with Sam's earlier comment the person being interested in his patron. "With ulterior motives, maybe?" she guessed.

IZZY

Another shrug.

LINA

"It sounds like they hurt you," she said carefully.

IZZY

"Yeah," he said.

LINA

"I'm sorry, Sam. You didn't deserve that."

IZZY

"Yeah," he said again, sounding a little defensive regardless. "I know that."

LINA

Amari gave him a sympathetic look and didn't say anything. She finished the last of her tea and put the kettle back on to boil for more.

IZZY

Sam was quiet, looking down.

LINA

After making herself a fresh cup, Amari joined him at the table again. She rested her eyes and enjoyed the peaceful moment.

IZZY

Sam bounced his leg and fidgeted with his necklace, not seeming uncomfortable so much as restless. After a moment, he asked Amari, "Do you mind if I ...?" and indicated the lyre on his back.

LINA

Amari opened her eyes. "Oh," she said, delighted. "Not at all."

IZZY

He smiled properly and shifted the instrument around to his lap, closing his eyes and tuning it a little, by feel and sound, before starting to play a light, soothing, aimless tune.

LINA

Amari hummed along softly and tapped a hand on the table, happily getting lost in the music. From the door leading to the dining room and entry hall came the sound of the castle doors opening, and voices and shuffling feet as people came inside. Amari paid it no mind.

IZZY

Sam looked up, glancing towards the door uneasily, but saw Amari's reaction and kept playing his song, eyes open now.

LINA

A few moments later, Goro wandered into the kitchen, disheveled and sweaty. He stopped in his tracks, giving Amari and Sam a weird look.

"Hi sweetheart," Amari said. "How was the picnic?"

Goro just kept staring at them.

IZZY

Sam waved sheepishly, missing a note, then going back to playing a little haltingly.

LINA

Goro walked slowly to the table and dropped down in a free chair. He slouched and let out a sigh.

"Were there bandits?" Amari asked, taking in the state of him.

"Pirates," he said. "Fuckin' destroyed us, almost. Raef and Mishka knocked out. Hansel was getting close. Luce and Lark took some hits, too."

IZZY

Sam frowned. He glanced towards the door again, and scooted his chair closer to Goro's. "How are there more fucking pirates."

LINA

"There's always more fucking pirates," Goro grumbled. He glanced at Sam hesitantly, then leaned over and put his arms around him.

IZZY

Sam edged a little closer again, so it'd be easier, and seemed to relax. He shifted his lyre down to rest on the floor, against the legs of his chair, and slipped his arm around Goro, too, checking him over.

LINA

"I didn't get hit," Goro said wearily. "Outta magic, though. From the fight and patching everyone up afterwards. Me'n Luci are spent. Ma, if you see Hansel, say a prayer for him, will ya? 'Course he fucking insisted we heal everyone else before him."

"Mm." Amari nodded.

IZZY

Sam continued looking sort of awkward, but he stopped poking at Goro and just resting his hand on Goro's shoulder, instead.

LINA

Goro glanced at Sam, then away, sheepish.

"Um. Thanks for, um." He tugged at his bracelet. "Checking on me yesterday. Trying to."

IZZY

"Yeah, no problem." He sounded embarrassed, and looked off in the opposite direction from where Goro was looking.

LINA

Watching them, Amari looked like she was trying to hide a smile, but not very successfully.

"What the hell are you doing here, anyway?" Goro asked. "Besides... fuckin'... playing music for my mom, I guess."

IZZY

"I was just ... around. I, uh, I talked to Raef. And I was going to see if you were ... okay." He cleared his throat and shot Amari a look.

LINA

Goro grumbled. "Fuckin' ain't."

"I thought it was so kind of him to come all this way to check on you," Amari said. "I had to invite him in for soup."

IZZY

"I said I didn't need anything," Sam sort of protested. He pulled Goro against him, a bit tentatively.

LINA

Goro scooted the rest of the way, settling against him. He scoffed. "Good fuckin' luck escaping Amari's mothering. Lady's stubborn as hell."

IZZY

Sam frowned in confusion. "Mothering? What?"

LINA

"That's Goro's name for it whenever I nudge him into taking care of himself," Amari said.

"Fuckin' forcing soup on people and shit."

IZZY

Sam looked like he didn't know what to make of this. "Well ... I appreciated it."

LINA

"Don't encourage her, I'm warning you."

Amari scoffed gently. "Goro."

IZZY

Sam made a quiet puzzled sound and just squeezed Goro briefly.

LINA

Goro rested his head on Sam's shoulder and closed his eyes. "She's great, though, in't she? I love her."

IZZY

"Yeah." Sam shifted a little to let Goro's head settle against a less bony part of his shoulder. "Hey. You should get some rest, it looks like."

LINA

"Nn-nn." Goro shook his head.

IZZY

"I feel like you do," Sam said uncertainly, rubbing Goro's shoulder a bit. He glanced over at Amari for help.

LINA

"You won't be able to heal people if you don't rest and get your magic back," Amari said.

"Nnnnn." Goro scowled, eyes still closed. He heaved a heavy sigh and stood up.

IZZY

Sam's hand trailed down Goro's back and away as Goro stood. He shifted from how he'd been leaning towards Goro, straightening in his own seat, and watched Goro with the same uncertainty for a moment.

Then he picked his lyre up and slipped it onto his back as he stood, angling towards the door to the sun room.

LINA

"Where you going?" Goro asked, dismayed.

IZZY

"Uh. I was just going to ... go."

LINA

"Do you gotta?"

IZZY

He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "No."

LINA

"Wanna come take a nap?"

Amari sipped her tea, not looking at either of them.

IZZY

"Uhh." He looked doubtful. "Will you be able to sleep? Or -- do you mean, apart, or ..."

LINA

Goro frowned. He reached out for Sam's hand.

IZZY

Sam seemed nonplussed, but took it.

LINA

Goro started for the door to the dining room, tugging Sam with him.

"Have good rest, boys," Amari said.

IZZY

"But," Sam started to say (following anyway), then got distracted and looked over his shoulder to give Amari a puzzled, "Thanks?" He looked back ahead to Goro to more firmly say, "Hey. I mean it, if you need to fucking sleep I can just go somewhere else. I don't want to keep you up."

LINA

Goro frowned but kept walking. "You ain't gonna. I just don't wanna be alone."

IZZY

"Oh," Sam said. "Uh ... okay. Hansel isn't ...?"

LINA

"He's looking after Mishka and Raef," Goro said. "'Cause they got knocked out and shit." Afraid this would make Sam all worried, he added, "They're fine, and all. I healed 'em."

IZZY

"Oh," he said again. "That's ... good."

He looked around the castle as they passed through it, but only cursorily, seeming more interested in watching Goro.

LINA

Goro led Sam upstairs to the former throne room. He paused there for a second, puzzling. He didn't necessarily wanna let Sam into his room, but he also hadn't asked Hansel permission to bring Sam into his room.

He gave Sam a hard look.

IZZY

"What?"

LINA

Instead of answering, he led Sam to his door. He fished a few rings of keys out of his pockets and got to work unlocking.

IZZY

Sam looked lost.

LINA

Goro finally undid the last lock and cracked open the door. He deactivated his warding glyph and started to step inside.

Then he paused and looked at Sam. "Wait here." And he scuttled off, disappearing into Hansel's room.

IZZY

Sam looked after him, baffled. "Okay?"

LINA

Goro emerged a moment later with his weighted blanket in arms, struggling with the weight. "Alright," he grunted, jerking his head toward his bedroom door. "Through the inner door's the bed. You get that one for me."

IZZY

Sam started to, but also squinted at the blanket and asked, "You, uh, want me to carry that?"

LINA

"I got it," Goro said, straining. "Just get the door."

IZZY

Sam hesitated, then stepped forward to try to scoop the blanket out of Goro's arms. "Come on. Let me."

LINA

"Hey," Goro said, but there wasn't much he could do with Sam just taking the thing away from him. Whatever. He led the way into the bedroom, shutting the door after Sam and flipping a deadbolt just for peace of mind. He opened the inner door and gestured to the bed, which was unmade.

IZZY

Sam was very busy looking at the bunched up blanket. He shrugged his shoulders a bit. "What the fuck is this?"

LINA

"It's..." Goro paused, and his eyes widened a little. "It's an Aziz blanket."

IZZY

"What?"

LINA

"Just try it out. You'll see. Come on." Goro pulled his boots off and climbed onto the bed.

IZZY

Clearly still puzzled, Sam dumped the blanket onto the foot of the bed and started pulling at it to straighten it out. "Why the fuck is it so heavy?"

LINA

"You'll see," Goro said, entirely confident. He stretched out and waited for Sam to join him.

IZZY

Sam managed to straighten it out, more or less, frowning over it all the while, then ducked out from under the strap of his satchel and hung it on a bedpost, leaning his lyre next to it. He sat down on the bed to start unlacing his boots and glanced at Goro. "Why all the locks?"

LINA

"Why do you think?"

IZZY

"You don't trust someone in the castle?"

LINA

"Don't trust motherfuckers who might break into the castle."

IZZY

"Huh." He finished with his boots and pulled them off to set them beside his lyre, then scooted back next to Goro, still sitting upright.

LINA

Goro patted the pillow. "C'mon." He sat up and grabbed the edge of the blanket, ready to drag it on top of them.

IZZY

Sam took a corner of the blanket, too, to drag it up as he settled down. He shifted under it, a bit, and turned his head to blink at Goro.

LINA

Goro closed his eyes and smiled, letting out a long contented sigh. "'S'like being hugged."

IZZY

Sam squinted at him for a moment, then pushed up against him, rolling onto his side and slipping his arm under Goro's head as a cushion and to pull Goro close to him. He was pleasantly warm, but a little tense.

LINA

"Mm." Goro snuggled against him. "You okay?"

IZZY

"What? Yeah." He settled in a bit, getting comfortable.

LINA

"Just feel a little tense." Goro tucked his head down and rubbed his cheek against Sam's beard. "You smell like the woods."

IZZY

"Your mom called me a nature person," he commented.

LINA

"The fuck."

IZZY

"I mean, probably, you know. The twigs. And leaves."

LINA

Goro snorted. "We got baths you can use, if you want. I don't care, though. I like the woods smell."

IZZY

"Eeuh. Maybe. Later."

LINA

Goro opened his mouth to say something lewd, but caught himself. "How's the blanket?"

IZZY

"Heavy?" he said helpfully.

LINA

"Does it remind you of cuddling Aziz?"

IZZY

"Not ... really. It reminds you of cuddling Hansel?" he guessed.

LINA

"Yeah. Heavy."

IZZY

"Ohh, because you like being squeezed. I get it. Yeah, I don't ... me and Aziz don't really do that."

LINA

"Oh. No? Huh." Goro frowned thoughtfully. "Sometimes I get kinda caught up thinking about all the ways we're the same. I forget we're not totally the same."

IZZY

"Yeah." He paused. "You like ... you like that Hansel's bigger than you?"

LINA

"God, yeah. Why? You... don't like that about Aziz?"

IZZY

"No, no," he said quickly. "No, I do. I was just thinking. It's something we have in common, I guess."

LINA

"Oh. Mm. Yeah." Goro squeezed him. "Like that you're bigger than me, too. Big warm guys. The best."

IZZY

"Oh. Aw." He squeezed Goro back and nestled him nice and close, feeling a little warmer. "Yeah. There's not that many people -- you know, on this plane, that're bigger than me. Orcs and goliaths."

LINA

"Hansel," Goro offered.

IZZY

"Yeah," he said noncommittally.

LINA

"I'm telling you, if you hugged him once, you'd never go back." Goro wasn't actually sure that was true, since Sam didn't like squeezing. But he tried to sell it, anyway.

IZZY

"I don't really ... hug ... random people," Sam said awkwardly.

LINA

"He's not random," Goro said, though he supposed the way Hansel tended to frown and grumble when Sam was around might've been off-putting. "Guess if you don't wanna, though. Hansel doesn't like hugging people who don't want it, anyway."

IZZY

"I would fucking hope not," Sam said, confused.

LINA

"I known a lotta goddamn people who wanna put their hands on me whether I like it or not," Goro said, a little defensive.

IZZY

"Yeah, but --." He still just sounded confused. "You didn't fucking marry those people. I mean. I would've assumed he didn't. I don't know."

LINA

"Well. Yeah. True." Goro just felt awkward now. He hugged Sam tighter to make up for it.

IZZY

Sam squeezed him back. After a moment, he muttered, "Most people who've wanted to touch me didn't care if I didn't like it, either."

LINA

Goro grunted, digging his fingers in a little. "You kill 'em all?"

IZZY

"No?"

LINA

"I'll kill anyone who fucked with ya."

IZZY

"Okay, well. Calm down." Sam patted his back.

LINA

"Pfff." Goro shifted his shoulders around, getting comfortable again. "I'll do it, though."

IZZY

"I mean." He switched to rubbing Goro's back idly with his fingertips. "You'd have to track them all down, first. And most of them probably don't deserve being killed, anyway."

LINA

"Hm. What do you think counts as a killable offense?"

IZZY

"Uh, I don't know. I mostly just wanted them to fuckin' leave me alone. Once they did that, it was fine." He paused. "You really just have to scare people. Or get away. You don't have to kill them, usually."

LINA

"How do you make sure they don't do it to other people, and shit?"

IZZY

He shrugged.

LINA

"I got a lot of people from the church in Skyport on my kill list," Goro said. "Motherfuckers aren't worth the air they breathe. They're making the world a worse place. Ain't like I wanna get rid of every asshole who ever looked at me sideways, but those guys? Ugh."

IZZY

"I mean, yeah, I guess," Sam said thoughtfully. "If they're making shit worse, then ... yeah." He paused, again, then cuddled Goro pointedly as he said, "I mostly just want people to fucking leave me alone, though. I'm just ... tired. Making shit better is Aziz's thing."

LINA

"Mm." Goro sighed, wanting to forget about killing people for a moment. Just content with Sam's cuddling. He closed his eyes, hoping Sam would keep rubbing his back.

IZZY

Sam did keep rubbing his back. He fidgeted, a little, but seemed to get more comfortable, and took a deep breath that he let out in a long, slow, quiet sigh. Then he stopped rubbing Goro's back to just hold him, settling in like he was ready to stay there for a while.

A little tentatively, he kissed Goro's temple, where he could reach easiest with the way they were folded together.

LINA

Goro shivered a little, pleasantly, and snuggled closer.

IZZY

Sam made a low pleased sound.

He was quiet for a moment, then softly said, "I do like you. Just ... just reminding you."

LINA

Goro opened his eyes. "Oh. Oh... thank you." He pulled back just far enough to look at Sam, then dove back in again, embarrassed. "I like you too."

IZZY

Sam grew warmer. Pressed close against him, Goro could hear the thrum of his heart picking up.

"I, uh," Sam said nervously. "I've been, uh. Trying something." He swallowed. "New. Lately."

LINA

Goro's brow furrowed slightly. Seemed like Sam was nervous about telling him. "Mm, yeah? What?"

He was so freakin' warm. Like a hot bath. It was real nice.

IZZY

"The thing is. You know how -- I told that, ah, I don't ... I don't sleep with, you know, with people that I like, because I don't ... I don't have those people, or -- or I didn't, for a long time."

LINA

Goro's eyes flew open. "Mmhm?"

IZZY

He cleared his throat. "So -- so what I've ... been trying is ... ah, things that, that used to just make me uncomfortable, because ... people would want them, from me, but I didn't ... fucking like those people, or ..." He trailed off, hesitating, and carefully said, "If ... I want to kiss you, now, it doesn't -- it doesn't mean I want to do anything else. All right?"

LINA

"Wait, wait, wait." Goro rolled onto his back a little, not away from Sam but just twisting so he could look up at the ceiling. He squinted and pressed a finger to his temple. "So you wanna kiss me. But you're worried -- you wanna make sure I'm not gonna try and do other stuff with you, then."

IZZY

"Uh. Right," Sam said uncertainly.

LINA

"Fuckin' neat. I love kissing. But -- yeah, 'course I won't do anything you don't wanna do. The fuck." Goro remembered, though, how slow he'd taken things with Mishka and Hansel at first, and how fuckin'... afraid he'd been that they'd just fuck off if he said no. "Nah, I get it. I get it. It's... kinda hard to know what people expect, and what they're thinking, once you get 'em into bed. It's okay."

IZZY

"Yeah," Sam said, sounding doubtful, still. "So ..."

LINA

"So?" Goro turned his face toward Sam to make sure it was within kissing range.

IZZY

Sam looked fucking wary. He edged closer, making back the small distance Goro's movement had created, and slipped his hand up to curl around the back of Goro's head -- his hand just on the border between warm and hot, and his lips, as well, when he leaned in to kiss Goro slowly, and carefully, almost timidly.

LINA

Goro kissed back gently. He ran his hands over Sam's chest for a moment, debating what to do with them. He settled one on Sam's shoulder and twined the other through the ends of Sam's hair, just feeling the texture of it.

IZZY

Sam shifted against Goro, like he wasn't sure what to do with himself. He broke the kiss off, but didn't pull away, just looking at Goro thoughtfully. He was still warm, but not so close to scorching -- calmer.

LINA

Goro smiled at him hopefully. "Good?"

IZZY

He nodded, and quietly said, "Good."

He leaned in to kiss Goro again, briefly, and made a contented sound and settled in comfortably, eyes still closed.

LINA

Goro started kissing his way around Sam's face -- pecking his nose, cheekbones, forehead -- and pulling back between each one to check and make sure it was still okay.

IZZY

Sam sort of shivered and pulled away after a couple. "Don't. Too much."

LINA

"Mm," Goro agreed, and settled against Sam's chest, giving him a squeeze.

IZZY

Sam relaxed again, cuddling against him, resting his cheek against Goro's hair. After a moment, he mumbled, "You know, it's ... it's really fucking weird, for me, being the bigger person."

LINA

Goro snorted softly. "Oh yeah?"

IZZY

"I mean, yeah." He sounded kind of embarrassed. "Aziz is bigger than me."

LINA

"Huh." Goro thought about it. "I got some people who are smaller than me. In fact, I think you and Hansel are the only ones who are bigger. So... it's weird for me to be cuddling someone bigger who's not Hansel. Huh."

IZZY

"Corinne was smaller than me," Sam said quietly. "I guess. It's just been a long time."

LINA

"You got a preference, you think?"

IZZY

"I don't know. My preference is just, you know, Aziz, mostly." Then, quickly, he added, "I mean, I like this. This is good, too."

LINA

"I getcha. My preference is Hansel. But it'd be a sad world if there weren't more than one person to cuddle with, eh?"

IZZY

"Yeah. I guess so."

This sounded like a new thought for Sam.

LINA

"I didn't let nobody touch me for years. Too bad much shit'd happened back when I tried, right? Now I gotta make up for lost time. Hansel said once he was gonna hug me as much as possible to make up for all the ones I missed. He's a goddamn sap."

IZZY

"Aw. That's ..." He hesitated. "Yeah, he doesn't seem like that."

LINA

"He's all grumbly and shit on the outside, but inside I swear he's a huge softie. Just imagine, like a loaf of bread that fell into the fire for a second and it got all black and crispy but right underneath that it's still all warm and chewy."

IZZY

"That's a weird fucking metaphor. Did you get that from Amari?"

LINA

"Nah, but I guess I can see why you'd ask."

IZZY

"She tried to tell me something about how people are like trees, or something."

LINA

"Oh. Oh yeah. The hemlocks and shit?"

IZZY

"Yeah."

LINA

"Blah blah blah, we all got our roles to play, harmony of nature blah blah. You must've been saying something about how you don't fit in, or something. Or feel inadequate."

IZZY

"Uh."

LINA

"Or... was she telling you about me? Motherfucker."

IZZY

"No. Eh -- maybe. She said we have a lot in common, or some shit."

LINA

"God damn it," Goro said. "I mean, I guess she's fuckin' right, just ain't any of her business."

IZZY

"She was trying to help," Sam said, sounding mildly defensive.

LINA

Goro paused. "Did she?"

IZZY

He was quiet for a beat, too. "I don't know. Hey, that's not the fucking point, though. She was trying."

LINA

Goro snorted. "She's something else, ain't she? Lives on another plane of existence, practically. She's the best."

IZZY

"Yeah," he admitted. "I mean, the tree thing. People aren't fucking trees."

LINA

"They are in her mind. God, that's the really crazy thing. She actually believes all the shit that comes out of her mouth. Like, hundred fucking percent."

IZZY

"It's good for her, I guess," he said, sounding kind of baffled. "I mean, she seems like she's fucking happier than I am. She has something figured out."

LINA

"Yeah." Goro sighed. "Yeah. I try and listen to her, but goddamn. I dunno."

IZZY

"Different plane," Sam agreed.

LINA

"So, are we gonna keep talking about my mom, or are you gonna kiss me again?" Goro tipped his head back and grinned at Sam, trying to keep it light in case Sam didn't want to.

IZZY

"Uhh." He flushed. "I wasn't ... going to."

LINA

"Oh. Got your fill or whatever?" Goro quickly tucked his head under Sam's chin again to hide his disappointment.

IZZY

He uhh'd again uncertainly.

LINA

Goro closed his eyes. He was supposed to be fuckin' napping and shit, anyway.

IZZY

Sam was quiet for a moment, then said, "I just ... get ... overwhelmed. Especially by new things. And -- even things that I like. It's just ... a lot." A little hesitantly, he started rubbing Goro's back again, still with just his fingertips.

LINA

"Oh yeah? That kinda happens to me too. Sometimes. Hansel says I don't always know when I'm getting overwhelmed until it's too late."

IZZY

"Really?" He sounded relieved. "B -- uh, someone used to tell it was normal and shit, but I've never actually met anyone else like that. Uh. I mean, I probably did and just never talked to them enough to find out," he admitted.

LINA

"Oh yeah. For fuckin' sure. I mean, I don't know if it's normal or whatever. Ain't much that's normal about me. But I need more, uh." He snapped his fingers, trying to think of how to say it. "Time to process. Sometimes a really long time. Sometimes like a day." Thoughtfully, he added, "Didn't know that about myself until a little while ago. Kinda makes things easier, when Hansel makes me slow down."

IZZY

"Yeah. Yeah, it helps me a lot to, uh. You know, stop, and talk to Aziz about things." He frowned. "But ... you know, then when I can't, I just get ... more ... frustrated."

LINA

"God, yeah, I know that feeling. My ma says I 'do all my work through words.' As in I can't figure shit out until I talk about it or write it down. You ever try writing shit down?"

IZZY

"No." The idea seemed to baffle him.

LINA

"I do it all the time. 'Cause when I was younger, you know, back when I was an acolyte, she gave me a journal and told me to write how I was feeling. And at first I just wrote 'fuck you.'" Goro snorted.

IZZY

Sam snorted back. "I guess that's how you were feeling."

LINA

"Psh. Yeah. Just the tip of the iceberg, though, you feel me? But yeah, I started using the journal to make lists, and shit. Writing down people I hated, and also writing down favors people'd done for me so I remembered to repay 'em. And that turned into more and more. Just making notes on people and things. Felt like I could clear my head better when I got it down."

IZZY

"Huh. Usually I just ... end up going somewhere empty and ... uh, setting things on fire. Wearing myself out."

LINA

"I used to kick things," Goro offered.

IZZY

"Yeah, no judgment."

LINA

"Bruised my toes a couple times from kickin' too hard."

IZZY

"Oh, you have to get, uh." He moved like he was going to get up, then didn't bother, and settled back in. "Eh. My boots have metal toes. If you're going to kick something, it should probably hurt that thing more than it hurts you."

LINA

"Whoa. Really?" Goro sat up, then just as quickly lay back down. "Metal toes. Goddamn. Gotta get me some of those."

IZZY

"Yeah, they're good," Sam agreed. He cuddled back against Goro.

LINA

Goro rested his eyes for a bit, enjoying the way Sam drew circles on his back. He really was tired enough to drift off, but his goddamn mind wouldn't shut up long enough to let him do it.

After a few minutes, he said, "Oh. Uh. I gotta -- hm."

IZZY

"What?" Sam sounded sleepy.

LINA

"Um."

IZZY

He pulled away a little so he could look at Goro. "What."

LINA

"I met somebody."

IZZY

"Okay?" he said, puzzled.

LINA

"They said they knew you." Goro swallowed, suddenly not sure this was a good idea. Him and his big mouth. Then again... maybe Pride had said something, already.

IZZY

"Oh." He grimaced a little. "Bee?"

LINA

Goro grimaced back. He nodded.

IZZY

"Yeah. Aziz told me."

LINA

"They were a dick."

IZZY

"Yeah," he said reluctantly.

LINA

"How come you ain't killed 'em?"

IZZY

"I don't want to." He frowned.

LINA

"Why not? Didn't they hold you captive and shit?"

IZZY

"Yeah, but ..."

LINA

"But what?"

IZZY

"They ... eh." He shifted. "They mean well. They're just fucking wrong. I just ... We were friends. Or -- or something, I don't know. It's not like I'm not fucking angry about what they did."

LINA

"Um. Sam. Friends don't hold you captive and try to make you stop seeing your partner. Least I think they fuckin' don't. None of mine would."

IZZY

"Yeah, no, I fucking know that. It's ..." He disentangled himself from Goro to lie on his back and star up at the ceiling. "It's like, what if Amari thought Hansel was going to hurt you? Or -- she thought he already had. Right? Her wanting you to not see him anymore wouldn't make her ... bad. Just wrong. And that's -- that's what Bee thinks. About Aziz. They're fucking wrong, and they fucked up, and they shouldn't have done ... what they did. But I don't want to kill them over it. I just want them to see that they were wrong."

LINA

Goro mulled that over. Wasn't the best comparison, 'cause -- Goro didn't think Amari would do all that fucked-up shit even if she did think Hansel was bad for him. It was hard to imagine her even being wrong about Hansel, besides.

Still, he could see Sam's point. "Maybe, but. Well." He frowned. "They were a dick."

IZZY

"What, to you?"

LINA

"Uh huh."

IZZY

"That's weird."

LINA

Goro frowned deeper. "I got a knack for bringing out the worst in people."

IZZY

Sam turned his head to look at Goro. "You are kind of fucking abrasive."

LINA

"I have to be."

IZZY

He squinted.

LINA

"People are -- fucking terrible, and they're always trying to hurt people, and shit."

IZZY

"Yeah," Sam said, after a moment. "Yeah."

LINA

"They were fucking -- nosing around, trying to get information on you and shit." Goro ground his teeth and started fidgeting.

IZZY

Sam looked back to the ceiling, wrapping his arms around himself.

LINA

"Someone's gotta be abrasive," Goro insisted.

IZZY

"Yeah, did it do any good, though?" Sam asked, sounding uncomfortable. "Or did they just keep looking at you and stay all calm? If you got a rise out of them, did you get anything out of it?"

LINA

"Oh, I pissed them off alright. I make people show what they're really like. Can't fucking play nice anymore with me."

And that was why most people didn't like him, he guessed.

Someone's gotta.

He rolled away from Sam and dragged the blanket over his head, shoving half his hand into his mouth and biting down on it.

IZZY

Sam made a confused sound. After a beat, he scooted up against Goro's back and tentatively looped an arm around his waist. "Are you ... okay? What'd Bee do?"

LINA

"Nothing," Goro said around his hand.

IZZY

"Okay," he said doubtfully. He edged down and pulled the blanket over his own head, too, and leaned his forehead into the back of Goro's neck.

LINA

Goro pulled his hand out of his mouth and bit down on his bracelet instead. He thumbed his rose and twine rings, urgently trying to remind himself. Hansel. Hansel. Hansel. Hansel loved him. Hansel liked him. Hansel thought he was sweet. Which was fuckin' dumb, but.

Goro groaned and rubbed irritably at his face, still biting hard on the bracelet. He didn't know how to tell Sam what his problem was. "I don't like being me," he tried.

IZZY

Sam was quiet for a bit. "Amari would say something about trees," he offered. "The hemlocks."

LINA

"Yeah," Goro said. "Yeah. She sure would."

His breathing got a little heavier and shakier for a minute, but then it smoothed out.

IZZY

Sam squeezed him uncertainly.

LINA

"Mm," Goro said, pleased by the squeezing. He wiggled backwards to get closer.

IZZY

Sam didn't say anything for another moment, and just nestled against Goro and squeezed him. Then, slowly, he said, "You know, I think ... the thing about trees is that they're fucking trees, and they don't have any choice but to be the way they are. So if you're a tree, you should probably just be happy about it, because otherwise you're fucked, and you're just going to be stuck being unhappy. But we're people. And ... if we're not happy with the way we are, we can ... change. Or we can try to, at least."

LINA

Goro was quiet for a long time, intermittently wiggling and settling.

"I know," he said finally. "I do. I try." He sniffed. "Just wish more people liked me how I was, sometimes."

IZZY

"Yeah," Sam said softly. He cuddled against Goro's back. "Yeah."

LINA

Goro was quiet for a minute longer, then said, "Hansel does. He said I ain't a project. He married the finished product." He sniffed again. "I dunno why, but it makes me wanna do even better for him."

IZZY

Sam made a noncommittal sort of mm sound.

LINA

"I won't talk about him anymore, if it bugs you."

IZZY

Sam shrugged. "It's not ... It just makes me miss Aziz," he said quietly.

LINA

"Oh." Goro rolled over so he could cuddle against Sam's chest and put a hand over his waist. "'M sorry."

IZZY

Sam curled his arm around Goro's back again, and after a beat, said, "It's -- it's good you have him. I ... want to try to do better for Aziz, it's just. Hard. It'll be easier once he's here, I think. I just ... need help, sometimes."

LINA

"Mhm." Goro couldn't imagine doing half of what he did without Hansel. And Sam didn't even have an Amari, either. Sounded fucking dire. "I could -- try and help you, if you need... eh." Didn't feel like he hadn't much to offer, though.

IZZY

"I don't even know what I need," Sam admitted.

LINA

"Friends."

IZZY

Sam frowned. "I feel like it's more complicated than that."

LINA

Goro shrugged. Wasn't like he had a fuckin' clue, himself.

IZZY

"Mmph."

LINA

"Well. Um. I like you the way you are, anyway."

IZZY

"I don't," he mumbled.

LINA

"Too bad. You're good."

IZZY

"You know it's not that simple."

LINA

"No. I don't." Goro shook his head, face against Sam's chest. "Sometimes I just fuckin' like people."

IZZY

Sam made a confused mm sound. "I mean. Okay. Aziz likes me. So does Mishka. And ... someone else, maybe. Bee, even. That doesn't mean I have to fucking like myself."

LINA

"Nah, sure doesn't," Goro agreed. "But -- okay, shit. I gotta try and pretend to be Amari here, for a minute. Make sure I get it right. I bet you'd think Amari would say you oughta like yourself, right? 'Cause you're great and all?"

IZZY

"I have no idea what she'd say."

LINA

"She'd say it don't matter. This actually pissed me off, once. I told her I hated myself and she said, 'That's fine.' Like, fuckin' shit you not, that's what she said. She said, 'That's fine. But stop attacking yourself.' Ain't that weird? I got so fuckin' mad."

IZZY

"Stop attacking yourself?"

LINA

"Uh huh. That's why I was pissed."

IZZY

"Okay, but."

LINA

"What?"

IZZY

"But did she fucking explain?"

LINA

"Oh, what, like what attacking myself means? She didn't need to explain, I fuckin' knew. Like, it was fine for me to feel bad, but I shouldn't act on it. Shouldn't be tearing myself down and scratching myself and shit. I didn't listen."

IZZY

He grumbled. "Well, I don't do that."

LINA

"You probably do, though. In your head."

IZZY

"No, I don't."

LINA

"How do you know you don't like yourself, then?"

IZZY

"Eh?" He sounded lost. "Because I fucking ... feel bad."

LINA

"You think bad thoughts about yourself?"

IZZY

"I don't know. No?"

LINA

"So you just feel bad, and it ain't attached to nothing."

IZZY

"I mean, no." He started to sound frustrated. "I feel bad about -- overreacting, getting overwhelmed. About -- being too sensitive about shit.  About ... I don't know. Needing thing. Needing -- people. But I'm not beating myself up about it, I just -- I just wish I could stop."

LINA

"So. Yeah. That's what Amari'd say is fine. Or maybe not. I mean, fuck, I don't know."

IZZY

He grumbled and pulled away to stretch out on his back again. "Yeah, I don't fucking know either."

LINA

"I'm sorry you feel bad," Goro said.

IZZY

"Thanks," he mumbled.

LINA

Goro didn't know what he was doing wrong, and he was afraid to ask. He didn't wanna sulk about it, either, in case it drove Sam off. So he was just gonna have to fucking... lie there and cope, he guessed. He unhooked his bracelet and stuck it in his mouth, grinding his teeth against it.

IZZY

After a moment, Sam glanced back to him, then rolled back abruptly to hunch his shoulders and huddle against Goro, ducking his head into Goro's chest and wrapping an arm around him again.

"Sorry," he said quietly. "I'm -- just -- it's the ... tree thing. Right? Like I'm a fucking hemlock, but I don't want to be. And I'm trying to change, but that's not how trees work. So I'm just fucked, I guess." He paused. "It's still ... it's still, you know, it's still nice that ... people like hemlocks. It'd be fucking bad to be a hemlock when you don't want to be, and no one else wants you to be, either."

LINA

Goro kept gnawing on his bracelet, still not sure what to say. He combed his fingers carefully through Sam's hair.

IZZY

Sam bowed his head into the touch, and squeezed Goro a little. "So," he tried weakly, after a beat. "So ... does Amari do that plant metaphor thing a lot?"

LINA

"Sorta. She likes telling nature parables, and shit. She... she really likes flowers." Seemed like a shallow way of summing Amari up, but Goro wasn't sure how else to put it.

IZZY

"Did she plant that whole garden out behind the castle?" he asked, sounding impressed.

LINA

"Pretty much, yeah. Was just a bunch of overgrown bushes and weeds and shit when we moved in."

IZZY

He gave a huh of appreciation, then scooted up to be more face level with Goro. "There used to be this flower vendor, in Skyport. He always set up his cart on Elm Street, out by the north gate. Do you remember him? Or -- ever notice him I guess."

LINA

"Was it -- fuckin' what's-his-face. The guy with the hydrangeas?"

IZZY

"What the fuck are hydrangeas? Maybe."

LINA

Goro snorted. "They got, y'know, tons of tiny petals and shit. Blue or purple. I don't know."

IZZY

"Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he had those. Fuckin' -- ah, what was his name." He squinted. "Xavier? Xander?"

LINA

"One of those," Goro agreed. "I never paid much attention. I hated when Amari dragged me out shopping."

IZZY

"Huh. I don't know, anyway, I thought about him. Amari has a lot of rose bushes. He used to sell his roses cheap, to the street kids." He paused. "It was nice."

LINA

"Huh. I don't remember that." Goro said it kind of wistfully, sad he'd missed out. "Wonder what happened to him."

IZZY

"He might still be around," Sam said. "Maybe you just missed him."

LINA

"Mm." Goro supposed he'd drop by Elm Street next time he was in town, see for himself. "Amari just likes roses, period, and she got all those pink and yellow ones, but -- dunno if you saw, there's a bush with real dark red ones. The kind that look black at the edges. Think she planted that one for me."

IZZY

Sam smiled a little bit. "I wondered if the roses were for you. That's ... that's nice of her, when she follows Eldath."

LINA

"Yeah. Yeah. Hah, y'know, I followed Mask in secret the whole time I was apprenticed to her, and I never said a goddamn word or let her see my altar or holy symbols or nothing, but... I don't know, somehow she fuckin' knew, anyway. I finally stopped keeping it a secret and she didn't bat an eye."

IZZY

Sam held back a stronger smile. "Must be the mothering."

LINA

Goro snorted again. "Fuckin' guess so. I hate how much she can just -- look at me and know shit, sometimes." Like how fuckin' hard he'd fallen for Hansel, but Sam probably didn't wanna hear that. "And when I say I hate it I guess I actually like it."

IZZY

"It's nice," Sam said softly. "Being ... known." Then he looked embarrassed, and quickly moved on. "Uh. Anyway. I noticed you have, uh, that ring. The rose. That's new, right?"

LINA

"Yeah." Goro lifted his hand to look at it, brightening. "It's... um."

IZZY

"It's nice," Sam offered.

LINA

"It's enchanted, so it won't break. My mother-in-law made it. She does glassblowing."

IZZY

"Oh. Huh." Sam started to reach for Goro's hand, then stopped, and looked to him to make sure it was okay.

LINA

Goro pushed his hand into Sam's.

IZZY

He took it to hold it closer, looking at the ring and turning it a little to see another angle. "Mother-in-law, huh," he commented.

LINA

"Yeah," Goro said shyly.

IZZY

"Two moms. Wow." He smiled at Goro a bit. "Greedy. Leave some for the rest of us."

He looked a little nervous, like he wasn't sure the joke would land.

LINA

"Pffff." Goro's ears turned warm. "I mean -- I don't -- they just -- pffff."

IZZY

Sam grinned at him.

LINA

"Hell, Amari already brought you in and fed you and shit. I bet Marion would, too. You're halfway there."

IZZY

"Who?"

LINA

"Hansel's mom."

IZZY

"Oh. Pffft." He flushed a bit. "Hey. Fuck you. I liked it when you were embarrassed and I wasn't, for once."

LINA

Goro snickered. "Where'd Amari find you, anyway? Were you lurking around the garden?"

IZZY

"I was napping in the woods," he admitted sheepishly.

LINA

"Oh, yeah. That's prime Amari bait, right there. I bet she took one look at you and got all worried. Said you must be cold, and shit, even though it's August."

IZZY

"God, she fucking did."

LINA

"Offered you tea half a dozen times, right?"

IZZY

"And soup. I said I wasn't hungry, but." He squinted. "Is that what you meant about mothering? Is that ... what mothers are supposed to do."

LINA

"Yeah. Hell yeah, buddy. They feed you and make sure you're warm." He felt the briefest pang of sadness and anger that his birth mother hadn't done that for him, but -- no. Fuck it. He did have Amari now, and -- and Marion. "First time Marion ever saw me, she didn't even know who the fuck I was or anything, but she invited me into her house. 'Cause it was all snowy outside and I was half froze, and... crying, sorta."

IZZY

"Aw." He frowned. "Why?"

LINA

"Um. 'Cause Hansel left me. And I walked for two weeks to find him. And I thought he was gonna send me away." That was more than enough fucking information. Goro grit his teeth.

IZZY

"Fuck," Sam commented.

LINA

"He didn't, though," Goro said weakly.

IZZY

"I mean, yeah, clearly."

LINA

Goro cleared his throat. "Anyway. Uh. Marion. Great lady."

IZZY

"Um." He shifted awkwardly. "Yeah. Uh. Good ... good to know."

LINA

Goro'd been feeling better for a minute there, but now he could feel himself sinking again. Just feeling fuckin'... bad. Awful. Kind of person who drove everyone away.

"Um." He sighed and rubbed his face, frustrated again. "Um, you got any tricks for falling asleep?"

IZZY

"Drugs," Sam deadpanned.

LINA

"Mm." Goro swallowed. "I never tried 'em."

IZZY

"Yeah, don't," he agreed. "Or -- I mean, or do, just make sure they're ... clean, I guess." He frowned, and seemed like he wanted to move past it, but just stammered. "Sometimes I'll -- eh, uh, don't ... never mind."

LINA

"Huh?"

IZZY

He cleared his throat, warming up again.

LINA

"What?"

IZZY

"Pffshh, sometimes when I can't sleep I hire a prostitute," he mumbled.

LINA

Goro frowned and started chewing his lip.

IZZY

"I shouldn't have said that."

LINA

"I thought you didn't -- uh."

IZZY

"I mean, uh."

LINA

"Do you just like women, or?"

IZZY

"Um?" He paused to genuinely think about it for a moment. "Uh. No. I don't think so. I, uh. I mean, I mostly ... like Aziz, and I don't think he's really ... anything. In particular. As far as, like, mortal people would understand. I guess he's sort of a guy." He seemed puzzled. "I don't know. Uh. I -- I like men. I like you," he added sheepishly.

LINA

"No, I mean for fucking."

IZZY

"I know!" he said, embarrassed.

LINA

Goro sat straight up and looked at Sam, wide-eyed.

IZZY

Sam scrunched himself under the weighted blanket, fleeing.

LINA

Goro wondered fleetingly if Sam was fucking with him, but that really didn't seem like Sam's style.

He remembered how Sam said he had to take stuff slow, little bit at a time, even when it was things he liked. Or else he got overwhelmed.

Goro lay back down carefully, trying not to bump or jostle too much. "Well." He cleared his throat. "Um. That's cool."

IZZY

After a few moments, Sam re-emerged slowly, still deeply red with embarrassment, to scoot back up beside Goro.

"I like men," he mumbled. "I don't really know how to sleep with them, anyway, though."

LINA

Goro almost blurted I can show you but decided that was pretty crude and might spook him. "It's pretty easy. I mean, for me at least, it's pretty easy."

IZZY

"Oh," he said weakly. "Maybe. Maybe you can. Talk me through it. Sometime."

LINA

"Oh, yeah. Sure thing." All cool and casual-like. He was getting warm.

IZZY

"Cool."

Sam slid back down to hide under the blanket again.

LINA

"I don't do it in the ass," Goro said, figuring he oughta be up front about that much at least. "Er -- I don't take it in the ass, I mean."

IZZY

"Oh my fucking god," Sam said, muffled.

LINA

"Just, you know, some guys that's a deal breaker."

IZZY

"I don't even know if I'd want to do that!" Sam protested. He seemed to feel a bit better, hiding under the covers and yelling out.

LINA

Goro grinned. "Alright, alright, fair 'nough. Sorry. No more. I got no more disclaimers."

IZZY

"God," Sam said weakly. He scooted closer to rest against Goro, still hidden under the blanket, and even more muffled, added, "Thanks for ... talking to me. About this."

LINA

"Oh yeah. 'Course." Goro wanted to kiss him, just affectionately, but figured he'd better not. Plus Sam's head wasn't really accessible. Goro laid an arm over him. "I know I make shit weird a lot but I promise I don't wanna... do shit you don't wanna do. I want you to feel... y'know, safe."

IZZY

Sam was quiet for a little bit, then finally popped his head back out to scootch up next to Goro properly. He was still pink, but only a little warm -- a normal amount of warmth after being buried under a heavy, thick blanket for a while. He settled against Goro's side and just murmured, "Thanks," again, looking bashful.

LINA

"You don't gotta thank me for that," Goro said, slightly puzzled. Ah, hell. This must be how Hansel felt with him.

IZZY

"Well." Sam was just looking at him, a soft and affectionate expression on his face. His voice stayed low. "I want to. So fuck you."

LINA

"Pssshh, I mean, fine." His ears were getting warm again. So Sam liked him, huh. For fucking, apparently.

IZZY

Sam edged closer to him.

LINA

Goro made a kind of snickering scoffing sound, embarrassed, and put a hand over his face.

IZZY

Sam laughed quietly, almost breathlessly, and he curled his fingers around Goro's wrist to gently pull Goro's hand away from his face -- then closed the little space between them to give him a quick kiss on the lips.

He flushed, his hand hot, immediately nervous but eager, too. "Is -- is that okay? For me to do."

LINA

Goro grinned stupidly. "Uh huh."

IZZY

He grinned back a little, embarrassed. "Cool. Cool."

LINA

Goro snickered and snuggled closer, ducking his head to bury it against Sam's chest.

IZZY

Sam snickered, too. He squeezed Goro against him.

[END]

LINA

TRP: Amari, Goro, and Sam (Hemlocks). Day 406. Amari finds Sam sleeping in the bushes and brings him in for tea and conversation. Goro returns home and takes Sam upstairs for cuddling and a nap.