Pathetic Waste (song)

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## From the mixtape *THE SPIRITUAL MEAT GRINDER*

### Label

Access • Dirty Hit (latter is not confirmed)

## Music video

"Pathetic Waste" on YouTube

"**Pathetic Waste**", stylised in all caps "**PATHETIC WASTE**", is a song by Australian artist Zheani. It was released on June 7, 2023, through Access as the lead single from Zheani's sophomore mixtape, The Spiritual Meat Grinder.

## Background

Due to Patreon restrictions and lack of information, not much is known about the backgrounds and development of the track. The producer of the track, VenesiaWorld, posted on their TikTok account at least two videos with alleged snippets of the song which have since been taken down. There may have been more snippets and information released other than on Patreon.

The song itself explores internal conflict and doubt with chorus lyrics stating "What if I'm one of the bad people?", shedding light on moral implications of our actions as humans, specifically as we grow and develop through judgement. Zheani has personally said that this single displays how she is "married to ADD". She says that she "also realises that the way I am is never going to change and as much as I feel haunted and sabotaged by this part of myself I know that I need to integrate and embrace the shadows because there is no getting rid of them*".* We can make the assumption that, along with the metaphor of marriage, that she is "rebirthed" due to her repeating the phrase "Happy birthday darling! We love you very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY MUCH [red balloon]" under the comment section of Pathetic Waste's music video to those expressing that their birthday was on the day of release, to which Zheani also used the same message on one of her Instagram post's caption. She also confirmed that the cake is a birthday cake by making a reference to "the Pathetic Waste birthday cake scene".

30 minutes before the official release, she posted an image of the cover and the first few seconds of the music video with a caption reading:

> *New music when? New music right now.*
>
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> *Surprise! Pathetic Waste is OUT NOW follow the link to watch the music video! PATHETIC WASTE is an internal monologue, the kind of self deprecating stream that runs through an ADHD mind in the face of failure. This river of vitriol flows for years eroding away at your heart more with each wasted day...*
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> *did you miss me? I missed you x*
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>

Zheani was featured in a Revolver article titled "*SEE ZHEANI FACE DEMONS IN STUNNING VIDEO FOR NEW SONG "PATHETIC WASTE"*". The article featured a message from Zheani:

> *"My music is almost always defiant and affirmational", "Within it, I'm a warrior, a goddess. I am victorious in my art because I so desperately want to be victorious and for my victories to be loved. My fans see me this way, like an avatar, someone powerful and larger than life. But with 'Pathetic Waste,' I try to be more honest about the mundane struggle that my life can often feel like. The pain that my own inadequacy can cause the ones I love. The missed opportunities and squandered relationships. All of this falls in my wake as I drudge forward thinking, 'What if I'm one of the bad people?'"*
>
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Zheani made an Instagram post a day after release showing some alternative covers for the single which did not make it. She says that the chosen cover "looked like the demon sword in the video and the way my hands made it look like wings... I'm superstitious so I obviously had to accept this as a fated sign". In this post, she also says that she is "obssessed with the serendipitous nature of the Taurus full moon", a nod to her zodiac sign. The day after this post, she made another post of a photoshoot for the music video. Many days later on 15 June 2023, Zheani released a clip on her Twitter and Instagram of the "after party" for the music video in which "No Sex With Cops" by Brutalismus 3000 plays in the background. Within the caption of this post, she confirms that the cake is indeed a birthday cake as she refers to the cabin scene as "the birthday scene". Some privated Instagram accounts also posted some behind the scenes images, although most of this is not avaliable.

## Personnel

### Musicians

* Zheani - songwriter, lead vocals
* VenesiaWorld - producer

### Visuals

* Mik Shida - director, animator, set design, editing
* Zheani - producer

## Lyrics

These lyrics were taken from Genius and were posted by Zheani.

My heart is broken

And I’ve lost all hope

And I will never change

I know I’ll stay this way

I’m a pathetic waste

Forever wasted days

I’m the worst! Yeah!

I hope you know I’m sorry…

My face feels numb

I don’t even know if I deserve love

I’m afraid of what I want

What if you’ve had enough?

What if I’m one of the bad people?

What if I’m one of the bad people?

What if I’m one of the bad people?

I think I’m black inside

I feel the cracks in my sides

What if I’m bad and I die?

What if I’m one of the bad pеople?

What if I’m one of the bad pеople?

What if I’m one of the bad people?

## Music video

The music video for this track was revealed to the public a whole day before the official album release as a video premiere on YouTube. Snippets of what was thought to be the music video were shared by the producer in now deleted TikToks and the first tweet Zheani made regarding the album release showed her wearing a similar (if not the same) dress as in the music video's thumbnail - a wedding dress. She also finishes her tweet with "ummm can I marry myself?", possibly hinting at the fact that a theme in the music video is marriage, as suggested by the wedding ring and cake in the thumbnail (this eventually links throughout the music video). Roughly 30 minutes before the premiere, Zheani posted on Instagram the album cover and the first few seconds of the music video. All of the visuals are done by Shida.

### Thumbnail, contextual links and analysis

The thumbnail for the music video contains 6 dramatically white-masked figures with long, silky black robes and gloves (some with other accesories such as furry scarfs too) standing in front of a white wall (Zheani has suggested that these figures are "shadows" of herself that she needs to integrate into herself, which she then links to the family portrait at the end of the actual music video) with a triple-panel window (similar to those of a bay or French window) that has thick frosted glass and deep black matte painted borders right in the centre which connects to what appears to be a support ceiling of black wood (confirmed in the music video). On the white wall, there are also two miniature masks that can be seen. There are also thick white "lines" and "shapes" that cover some of the left side of the window and other places of the set, which are revealed to be white crosses in the music video. This entire room is also revealed to be something like a church or cabin. Zheani herself has long black and frizzy hair with an iconic purple fringe, wearing a puffy white wedding dress that falls from her shoulders (this wedding dress is a metaphorical reference to Zheani being married to ADD). In front of Zheani, there is a round table covered with a white cloth that has a black-lined crochet design that forms a spoon-like shape, almost resembling a flower, which is then revealed to be Zheani’s sigil - a recurrent symbol throughout the music video. On the centre of the table, there is a vibrant pink and heart-shaped cake with a fancy-crochet style cake confirmed to be a birthday cake (which has "Pathetic Waste" written on it) with eight visibly lit black candles (could be a reference to there being one missing, her real self, hence why she asks if she’s one of the bad people as another part of her is “evil” and the other is being indecisive). On Zheani's left hand, she wears a ring and a bracelet. This is circled with a thick red. At the top, slightly to the left, there is also a thick red circle, but it is cut out of the frame. This alone could be referencing marriage or love being a "pathetic waste" as you can easily blow out a candle, but using the knowledge from the music video and lyrics, this could show how doubtfulness creates chaos.

### Live chat

During the video's premeire, Zheani first made three comments in the live chat: "I'm nervous", "I'm a pathetic waste" and "who has heard this song already?". The former implies that the song was shared on Patreon. Zheani then asked the live chat, "​Should I do a Q&A in the YouTube comments after the premiere?", subsequently agreeing with "​okay that is definitely a yes". With only 12 minutes left to the premiere starting, she commented: "​I'm so excited for you to see what Shida HAS DONE! he snapped so hard it's insane" and then "<3". Shida, the director, also appeared in the live chat.

Zheani made some longer comments:

> *"Thanks for coming back so strong for this release everyone xo I'm really glad I made the conscious decision to zone out and take a moment to refill my inspiration."*
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> *"It's so easy to get caught up in the music release hamster wheel content creation grindset and I am convinced it's creative cancer*"
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> *"you're always here for me and I am always here for you - in my music - there really is no need for me to be chronically online. Anyway. breaking my foot was a blessing in a curse"*
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She then commented "8 minutes" and asked "​WHERE IS EVERYONE WATCHING FROM???" and "AUSTRALIA". During this time, Pathetic Waste was made streamable on all platforms. Afterwards, she said "​can't wait to tour and meet you all" as well as "I've been rehearsing for my show this weekend and DARK MOFO! so excited and proud to have the opportunity". 2 minutes left, "once the premiere is over - make sure everyone spams the comment section. Lets make the numbers on this one stupid to confuse the haters".

Just before the premeire started, she said "I'M BACK" and said "​THE SPIRITUAL MEAT GRINDER IS COMING", making a reference to the title of one of her Patreon posts which could be a new mixtape or track. She then said "OKAY". At this point, there were around 600 people watching live. She says, "​CHAT'S GONE NUTS".

At the end of the music video, she commented "What if I'm one of the bad people?", making a reference to lyric in the song. After this, she commented "THE SPIRITUAL MEAT GRINDER IS COMING" again, possibly hinting at a new track. She then says, "​I LISTENED TO THIS ONE ON REPEAT - by about the 100th listen it just hits different and enters your soul" and "okay time to watch that again".

Zheani then proceeded to comment some of the official lyrics "My heart is broken. And I’ve lost all hope. And I will never change. I know I’ll stay this way", "My face feels numb. I don’t even know if I deserve love. I’m afraid of what I want. What if you’ve had enough?". "What if I'm one of the bad people?", "What if I'm one of the bad people?", "What if I'm one of the bad people?", "What if I’m one of the bad people?What if I’m one of the bad people?What if I’m one of the bad people?What if I’m one of the bad people?What if I’m one of the bad people?", "what if?".

She did not end up doing a Q&A as she hoped due to YouTube closing the live chat., although in an Instagram story a few hours after the release, she said she would do a Q&A in the comment section of the video.

### Questions and answers

This features recorded questions and answers from the music video comments. Updated from 9 June 2023 at 00:55 UK time.

## Gallery

An image from the Instagram (@looksee.lex) of potentially one of the shadow figures in the Pathetic Waste music video. The masks from the video can be seen on the table with the cake.

## Trivia

* It is likely that a lot of the track was shared on Patreon prior to its release.
* This was thought to be a title track for Zheani's debut album.
	+ For context, there was confusion as to whether Zheani was releasing a "full length debut album" or a mixtape in 2023.
* This track symbolises Zheani's "marriage to ADD", rebirth, and the assimilation of good and bad, simply letting go.
* The producer posted at least two now deleted TikToks featuring snippets of the track and its music video.
	+ This is also the first time Zheani has worked with this producer.
* In the thumbnail of the music video, there are 6 red balloons, 6 black-robed figures, and 8 lit candles.
	+ This could be a reference to the "devil's number" (666), as suggested by the number and the colours red and black which are consistently associated with "the devil" in pop culture.
	+ There are 8 black candles and 7 individuals present, this could demonstrate that Zheani’s fighting off the “bad people” as she, another part of her, is essentially the 8th candle, causing there to be 2 versions of her: one “good”, the other “bad”. Although, Zheani confirmed that the shadowy figures are in fact apart of herself which she believes she must integrate with as shown by the family portrait at the end of the music video.
* The first tweet Zheani made referring to the album, Pathetic Waste, shares two images of her in a dress of what we assume is what she is wearing in the music video's thumbnail - a wedding dress, another common theme.
* There are two red circles in the thumbnail, one in the top centre-left hand corner that is chopped off and another circling Zheani's left hand which has a ring on the index finger and a bracelet.
* A common theme in the thumbnail, the music video itself and information from the tweet would be marriage.
* During the live chat, the spiral emoji was used consistently to refer to Shida.
* The music video included shots in a red-Christian-crossed black abyss, an animation, a beach scene and a cabin/Church birthday scene.

## References

1. ↑ File:VenesiaWorldTikTokEvidence.png
2. ↑ https://www.revolvermag.com/music/see-zheani-face-demons-stunning-video-new-song-pathetic-waste
3. ↑ https://www.instagram.com/p/CtNTpw1BkU6/?hl=en
4. ↑ https://www.instagram.com/p/CtP\_aQFPo8p/?hl=en
5. ↑ https://www.instagram.com/p/CtiU7SfAIKR/?hl=en
6. ↑ https://genius.com/Zheani-pathetic-waste-lyrics