Monika's Journal

Monika Milnnac's journal is a worn, leather-bound book that chronicles her relationship with Elora. Filled with handwritten entries, it reveals their shared experiences and heartfelt emotions. Some passages have been blacked out and scribbled over, adding an air of mystery and secrecy. The journal captures Monika's affection for Elora, showcasing a range of emotions from joy to vulnerability. It is a personal sanctuary where Monika expresses her deepest thoughts and preserves their cherished memories.

## Journal Entries

### 3033 02 15

My week never ends. It’s always school, school, school, and then on the weekends, I always have to go somewhere. I never get to talk to ████, to fix what I have damaged and now that he knows the inner workings of me, nothing will ever be normal. I destroyed everything in our little group of friends.

Amazing what one person Can do, isn’t it, you know you never should’ve stayed, you should’ve left them long ago.

I know██ I know. But ████ Thinks I hate him. I can’t leave him.

So you torture yourself even more?

Well, yes, but...I can’t control that. I really do love having my three best friends in the whole world at my fingertips. I don’t want to leave them. But I will if I have to. They will take it as an act to save myself. But even if they did, at least all of their problems would disappear. I know, I put up my facade for ██, and ██ and ██. I don’t want help. Help will only tear me further.

\*laughs\* I’m not even the one who does this to you. You just needed someone to blame. Pathetic, you are.

I know. Why do you think I do this to myself? My cage is my own, and I intend to keep it that way. \*shakes head\* What is this nonsense? this is supposed to be about my day, not listening to myself beat myself up. \*sigh\* I’ll admit though...Writing does make me feel a little better. I don’t like keeping it all online.  Think I’ll revive my journal. \*sigh\* It’s been so long since I’ve written. I feel relaxed. Anyway, on with my day, More errands, more driving. My parents call me lazy and addicted to my computer. I can’t help it. I know I have a problem, but still. I notice that recently, these days, I’ve felt so sick of myself. And I know, ████ blames himself. He shouldn’t I’m glad He lets me read his logs now. It lets me see what I’m doing wrong and correct my behavior before it gets out of hand. Odd, That when I write, I feel calm, but when I return to reality, I am sick again. \*sigh\* mom and dad got home. Guess I’ll have to stop writing for now.

I’m back. I forgot to write about the other things bothering me.

\*sigh\* ████ has disappeared, probably for the night.

Probably something you did again.

I know. -sigh- It always is. I know they don’t see it that way. But I do. It’s perfectly clear to me. ████...I’m sorry we never play anymore. I’m sorry I’m never here to call. I’m literally tearing myself apart because of it. I keep letting ██ get in the way of everything. \*sigh\* I’m done. I wish you would just let me do this to myself. I know I deserve it, and I know you don’t see it. \*sigh\* It doesn’t matter anyway. I can’t change it. So won’t try.

What else has been Bothering me? You have anything, ██?

Nope. you seem to be belittling yourself just fine without me.

Mmh. Useless as per usual.

I wish I could be useful. I know that I’m not. -sigh- I can’t help anyone. I think...I think I’m writing this because I wish someone would help. Would build me up only to tear myself down. It’s true, what ██ says. I only use ████ to pick me up. Maybe he is right in assuming I don’t care. I do. But, if they don’t think so...I can’t help it.

Now, I’ve let ████ down again. So little time in a day… What am I to do? -sigh- I need a good cry. I haven’t done so for so long, maybe I’ll feel better. I can’t though. My parents would wonder what was wrong.

Oh, ██ is back. Maybe talking to him will make me feel better. yeah, he did. He doesn’t understand a glomp when it’s given.

I want to play. there is nothing you can do about it ████. And now, I’m going to have fun here. You’re not going to pull ██ down again. It’s just you, and me….

### 3032 04 11

I think the call went pretty well today.

I just wish I was a better submissive…irl. I have a much easier time writing what I am feeling and thinking rather than saying them…it makes me a poor sub in the real world…███████I hope I turn out better before we meet.

### 3031 12 27

I don't think anyone's going to talk to me the rest of the day. So I'll log now. ██████ I've been holding up fine I guess. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. Dominik is thinking about going to ████████ Well, going to make me go there. I don't know. I'll leave it be for now.

### 3031 12 25

I don’t feel good at all… I’m upset, I feel like crying but I can’t, I feel like drawing, but I can’t. I just don’t feel good, and I wish I didn’t have to worry, Dawn, like I do. I wish I was different. Stronger, smarter, prettier… maybe tomorrow I will feel better… I’m too angry at myself to do anything now, ██████████████ oh well.

### 3031 12 24

I dunno what to write about, maybe the █████ I am participating about. Or not. I don’t know. I have been realizing new things about me in the past two years, being bi and preferring women, knowing I’m a furry and a sub and a pet. I like me, though, much more than I used to. But Oh well. I’ll talk to dawn more tomorrow.

### 3031 12 23

I’m so happy Dawn was willing to let my punishment slide. She’s too nice to me, I swear it. ████████ I had fun today. It was really nice, it helped me relax and I feel a lot better, it helped me remember a few of the things about myself I had forgotten. Like why I like to ██████████ stuff like that.

I thought about something today, another good reason for ██████████████████ are named as they are because they are constantly changing to receive love. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing that, other times I don’t. Oh well, I suppose. I’ll just have to see.

I wish I could Have my collar now, it would mean so much to me. Tomorrow if I have time I will start Sun, after Dawn gets her █████████████████ too.

I like █████████ for some reason, she appeals to me, I would ██████ after her, the ██████ don't know. Oh well. I’ll figure it out later I guess. Always do. I’ll wake up early tomorrow to get in some playtime.

### 3031 11 21

I suppose I should log for the day, I can't lose my collar. Mistress gave me a REALLY good time tonight, I loved it so much. ██████ gone for the week, I’m glad, I get to relax. Nice and calm when he’s gone. I don’t mind it at all. Hopefully I don’t have to do much tomorrow. I have to write █████ I can't forget that.

### 3031 10 31

I can’t believe I forgot to log yesterday! Dammit. At least tomorrow Dawn will make sure it doesn’t happen again, she says that I won’t enjoy it, but I always do…then Again, I’ve never been a legit slave to her before. We’ll see. I hope she had fun tonight, I know I have, I will wake up early tomorrow to see what awaits me. Love you Dawny, glad I logged, goodnight.

### 3031 10 29

I’m glad I helped Dawn with her ████████████ it opens up a lot of fun doors, with the way she looks and the things she can do, and maybe even a few in the bedroom, and I am loving the one she’s using now. I wonder if she’ll let me explain it to ██████ tomorrow or if she’ll reveal it herself. I’m alright with it either way. Dawny finally █████████████████████████

### 3031 10 28

██████████████ was boring yesterday. I didn’t want to go, but at least the performance last night went smoothly, I am proud of it. I don’t remember much of that whole day, now that I think about it. Hmm. But oh well, I suppose there’s nothing to do about it.

### 3031 10 26

█████████ Go here, to the logs you said.

So I am. I am here, Elora… What do you want from me…

I tried…I tried to mediate…

You made me promise not to hide behind Persona. But you can’t take it…If I go any further…

You’ll die…You said you weren’t coming back… Am I not worth fighting for?

I am sorry, Darling. But I have to do this. If you come back and look for the real me, then maybe we can strike mutual agreement.

We keep one another alive. And you don’t want to stay for me…

I want to see you. I speak through the mask now, but without you, the real me will die.

I can try to keep ████████████ despite my own suffering.

However; in doing so, I forgot that you could feel. I forgot that you are human too. And you are right to ask me to come here instead. I don’t blame you. But I trust you enough. If you love me, and you’re the Dawny, no, Lori, that I love, You'll bounce back too. See you soon. I love you.

### 3031 10 25

I don’t have a lot of time left █████████ making me sleep. I think the punishments will help me, when Dawny starts them again. I was really excited to hear about tomorrow, I seem to have forgotten my worries, maybe ███████ helped too. Oh well. Goodnight

### 3031 10 24

It’s been a long while since I considered slashing my wrists…and yet, here the contemplation remains. I can’t see what I’m writing, my eyes are too blurry…

Is this what it feels like to be bullied? To be told you should die and go to hell, and be called a waste of life…

I don’t want to interrupt anyone with this… Maybe I should keep quiet…

My friends joke around about suicide █████████ but they don’t realize that someone they know could really and truly be suffering. I always wondered why I couldn’t imagine my future… maybe this is why…Maybe I’ll end up taking my own life at a young age…

Oh Dawn…Where are you? I can’t do anything but hide and cry and wish I was dead…I miss you Dawny…

### 3031 10 22

██████████████ is almost complete in it’s redesign, all that’s left is my █████████ banner, and finish up my █████████ I don’t wanna do anything tomorrow. And ███████ is being loud. Augh. Oh well I guess. I hope █████████ is okay. I hope Dawny’s alright too, and that she has sweet dreams too. I should go to bed…

Night.

### 3031 10 21

I don’t want to speak my mind right now. I don’t wanna right this right now… but I will for Dawny. I want to go rest at the island or the field or the forest. I don’t care. Anywhere where I can just lie down and forget about how I’m feeling. More and more recently I’ve been needing to run to one of these places in hopes of sanctuary. I wonder what could be the matter.

The spar was fun today, I was happy to play. ███████████ just got this stupid thing to deal with, Persona can be smart, but also careless. I’m sure we can improve the armour over our weakness better next time. Oh well. I suppose that’s it for today. Good Night.

I didn’t care much for tonight. By myself hiding in a hoodie and cold.█████████ was there to hug me. I know she wouldn’t abandon me like all my friends did tonight, and would have defended me when the others started to make fun of me…

Oh well I guess.

The fucking sun will rise tomorrow.

### 3031 10 20

I suppose that now that Dawn is a demon, and now much stronger than me, that makes me her slave. I don’t mind that at all, If I had encountered any other demon lords, I’m sure I’d be in worse shape. I just hope she is fine with that, I don’t mind being her slave, I actually find it kind of fun. I’m a bit disappointed I didn’t finish her nightmare night stuff…it is due tomorrow. And I also don’t know about her horns yet.. I’m not sure she liked what I came up with today…Oh well I suppose. And then there’s ████████████████████ but it makes me a bit sad anyway, I don’t like ██████ anyway, then he talks about how disgusted the female anatomy makes him…█████████ I feel like I need to hide when he says things like that, if I disgust him so.

In other info, tomorrow is █████████, I’m not sure how I feel about that. I probably would enjoy it more if I was thinner and fit better in ██████████ But I’m working on it as it is. I hope Dawn’s okay with me sleeping in, I’m so exhausted…Maybe she’ll play with me tomorrow, but I doubt it, I would seem since she’s become a demon I demand a lot sexually from her. I hope she doesn’t take this the wrong way or anything, I love that she’s a demon, it just opens up so many new doors for playtime, I can’t help myself. I will now attempt to remove my head from the gutter…

Done I think, though I will probably wake up with it back in the gutter. I need to go to bed, my eyes are starting to burn. goodnight.

Well, this sucks. I don’t like being on punishment like this. ██████ it’s boring. At least it gives me some time to recharge, I don’t think Dawny can be that rough with me without a rest, but I enjoy playing the part for her.

Tomorrow, if Dominik remembers to ask about my secret, I will tell him that ███████ and also tell him about ██████████ I just hope he doesn’t make fun of me.

### 3031 10 18

█████████ Oh Dawny… why didn’t you tell me..? If you’d’ve told me maybe I wouldn’t have pushed you so far…I’m sorry I didn’t notice, Dawn… I’m so sorry… ███████████████ You can go too far sometimes…between abusing your friends and talking without thinking.

Maybe you should stop talking all together? I could always take over, remember?

You would be no different. You are supposed to mimic me.

While removing a few flaws, correct? ██████

Maybe so. But I will NOT leave Dawn behind. She needs me.

But can she tell the difference between the two of us, Darling? Even with my little quirks, she doesn’t say a thing.

Shut up! Stop saying those things about Dawn, Bitch! Go crawl back to whatever part if hell you came from AND STAY THERE!

I love my Dawny. I don’t mind any of her flaws. I love them all, that’s enough for me. I’d do anything for her, and that’s what I’m doing for her. I will be there for her when she wakes up, and I’ll be there for her when she needs me.

### 3031 10 17

I really hope that █████████████████ soon. I feel bad she has to tone down for me all the time. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in my own thoughts. Perhaps it’s fear?

Yes, but not because I fear the mind.

I fear it for the people who enter.

Mh, it can be dark and light. I imagine myself sitting now on a cliff over the ocean watching the sunset. But I also remember when I was a kid, being in darker places. Hell if I know. But it’s nice to be here, nice to think.

Hm, what’s been on my mind?

Lot’s of things. Hoping ████████████ my artistry, my past. Eh.

Ehhhh.

I don;t want to think about it anymore. I think I’ll just sit here for a while on the cliff, enjoying the view.

### 3031 10 16

Man, I’m not in the mood to write this, but I’ll get in trouble if I don’t.

Not sure what to write though.

Uhh, I guess today was okay, █████████████ arguing, me arguing I guess. I gots lots of stuff to do. But I don’t want to.

### 3031 07 23

5  I didn't log yesterday, so I'm making up for it now. I'm running on four hours of sleep…I wonder if she had fun without me, not sure.

10  Dawn…I miss you, I'm worried about you…it's already 10 and I haven't heard anything…I hope you're OK…

11 ███████ why cleaning? I don’t like it, and Dawn isn't here…██████ gotta get through it

### 3031 07 22

8 I wonder where Dawn is…I really wanna ██████ and I feel a headache coming on

9 I’ve been drawing all morning. I feel so much better now! And I don’t mind being Mistress’ pet, Whether it be sexual or not, I’m having fun.

11 █████████ Mistress isn’t… I can’t tell when she enjoys it or not. So I don’t typically ask. It goes away soon after anyway.

13 I went to do ███████████████ started ███████ I had fun, And I enjoyed it, But I miss Mistress. Oh well. Time for bed.

### 3031 07 21

I’ll wait for █████████████ to download. I love that Mistress has blocked all █████████ because not only does it show she cares, it’s sexy knowing she’s in so much control. I’ll ████████ while I wait. But this way, Dawn and I can watch more movies together! I’m so excited!

9 ██████████████████████ I enjoy the new system, it’s sure to keep me up to date on my day.

10 Sider guys showed up to paint the house. Or maybe the painter, don’t know which. I just remembered, mom’s coming home at 13, and we’re hoping to ███████████ So I won’t be on much after that.

Ahh~ ███████████████████████████ I-It’s so hard…I know Mistress didn’t give me permission, but I’m soaking… I don’t want to cum, just a little tease, to hold me off until Mistress finally takes my holes for her own… I’ll Have to hold back, I don’t mind at all.

11 Well, I guess I can’t sleep for a nap either. Unless I pass out on the keyboard. That would be fun. I had a bit of fun before trying though. ██████████████████ walls are so tight… I hope Mistress finds them suitable…

12 I’m working on watching ███████████ I hope we have fun, and now that I know how it works, Dawn and I can have a movie night.

13 I think I went to bed at this time, not sure.

14 still sleeping, no dreaming, woke up kind of cranky but that's expected.

█████████████████████████████ I can't wait for it to come out. So cute.

15 I'm worried about Elora. I really miss her, I hope she's alright..

16 I'm bored. I'm munching on popcorn waiting for dinner. I wonder if Elora will be here tomorrow. I wanna watch a movie with her…

17 I'm looking at anime to watch, I don't think I'm ████████

████████████████████ then sleeping

### 3031 07 19

Things will change.

I will force them too

Elora is too precious a treasure to me.

Forgive me Elora.

### 3031 07 16

I could've done fine without █████████████████ today. I was dragged around and the whole history of the plane did not interest me. I was clinging for dear life on the catwalk even though the thing was grounded. He gets to go on a $500 plane ride and I don't get to go to con. Oh well, I guess the ██████████ make it fair. I was glad to see Dawn notice I was up. And I'm glad she worried as to why. I should probably go to bed.

### 3031 07 13

I'm very proud of Let's new form, I'm sure she is too. I'm glad for it.

### 3031 07 12

I hope Dawn's ok, she's been a bit distant lately…

I █████████ a lot today, I hope to lose weight soon. As much as I hate myself for saying it, I'm actually good at something, and a game no less…

I don't like being better…it scares me, makes me wonder if they'll hate me. Oh well. Love you, dawn, can't wait till we can train together

### 3031 07 09

I've done nothing productive today, at all. Missed breakfast, didn't sleep well, and ate pizza- that's about it. Otherwise, uneventful. I'm going out hunting tomorrow for some █████████████. I haven't been able to really do anything with mom around. Oh well.

### 3031 07 07

It's hard to concentrate. I don't know why, but I've been a bit wet all afternoon. I'm not going to ask Mistress, though, she seems to have enough on her mind. Plus, I wanna be there if she needs anything. I hope she had fun. I missed and worried about her a lot. But oh well. Maybe we can talk more later.

### 3031 07 05

So my mom has to go to the hospital…

My brother is stronger than me…

███ has his own problems…

I'm alone this time…

What do I do now..?

I'm bawling in a room that my brother picked the lock of..

I'll ignore it and let my feelings freeze. I don't mind feeling dead until Mistress is back. Maybe even a little after, if she wants a punishment…

I'm scared to tell anyone. It's like that door that refuses to budge…

I'm scared…I miss you Elora…

I need you now… Come back soon please…

### 3031 07 04

I've been thinking about it a lot, I wonder if Mistress would be happier if I was a man…I'll have to ask if she comes back.

Another thing I notice is that I'm possessive of her, I don't like the thought of any other girl or man touching her. I know she may not like it, but I think it would be sweet if she did it the same way. I'd also like to add that I like taking it rough just as much as Mistress, when bondage isn't involved, I imagine it hard, to the point I couldn't move if I wanted to.

But something I'm a bit disappointed in is Mistress' lack of journals, as well as keeping track of the many, many rules I've broken. I hope she comes back tonight.

I love you, Dawn, Elora.

I must be so needy…I'm sad I didn't get to spend more time with Elora…I need to stop being so possessive. She has a life too. I can't expect her to always be around…

### 3031 07 02

I love Elora. I do. She's the best. its weird hearing myself being called a lesbian though. I'll get used to it. Just like her. I can't wait for her to come home. I gave her a good punishment this morning. I hope it's good enough to satisfy her, even for a little. I hope she thinks I'm good enough too. Knowing she's a lesbian… It makes me think she's so strong and confident…she'll always protect me. But me, I'm so weak compared to her…I hope she makes me stronger. I wonder what she'll look like. Beautiful, I bet. I wonder how tonight will go, this is the first time for me to have a Mistress. I can't wait. But as always, I love you, Dawn, Elora. I hope you never leave.

### 3031 07 01

So, I'm no longer a pet, but a Mistress. I fear I may not be good enough for her… She likes it rough, which I don't mind at all, but I don't have the heart, even ██████ And yet she still says I'm her favorite…

I'll probably still miss Master, but I don't mind it at all.

I don't deserve her. But I love her anyway. It's odd, feeling that string of words roll off my tongue. I knew deep down I was bi. But it's not me I'm scared about. My family… They'd be ashamed… I'm scared they'd resent me for it…my dad…my grandmother…I'd be an outcast. I'll brush it off. I don't care. I accept you the way you are, Elora. I just hope you'll accept me..

I love you Elora…

### 3031 06 30

I’m done moping around for the day. -yawns- I feel like I just woke up. It just hit me about what Master said about punishing me. Something tells me that disciplinary punishment isn’t going to be so nice. I’m sure that Master will teach me my lesson though, I’m excited for him to finish his fan fic too! I’m contemplating offering to write it for him, using his Ideas, but I’d rather he finish the plot line first, it’s so good already!

I don't think that Master will need my help at all in writing this. He's already done so well with act one. He's writing the type of chapters where they end too quickly, leaving the reader thirsty for mor. I'm so excited! I'm proud of you Master!

### 3031 06 28

I'm glad Master Has given me a treat, I think I really needed it. After  not having one for so long…

But! I didn't get to make him um, which I hope to make up for later. After he'd given me my treat he'd said that I made a wonderful purple collar. I hope that he likes it that way.

But Master's birthday is coming soon. ,and my attempts at getting him to make a list were so far unsuccessful. I really want to give him a gift, but I suppose a tease shot will do. I hope Master likes it. I'll log more if anything comes up. Goodnight journal.

### 3031 06 27

Today marked the first day on Masters vacation, though I'm not sure how much longer I can call him that. He told me that he found out today that his eyesight was going bad, and that's kinda sad. He said if his eyesight continues to decline, he won't be able to punish me anymore, and won't be able to take care of our future kids or me. But I won't let it hurt our future. I'll take a job, two if I must, I'll support him and our kids.

Other than that, I was miserable without Master today…I missed him, I wonder if he missed me, or thought about me for that matter. I'm going to struggle with him being gone for a week,I love him…I think I'm going to go for the night, I love you Master, I'll see you tomorrow, I hope.

### 3031 06 26

Master just implemented a ton of new rules for me to follow, I’m so excited! I don’t know why, but the rules make me glad, like Master wants to know what I’m doing, which means that he cares. I’m so happy. His disciplinary actions aren’t very much though, which I can see leading to me breaking more of them…I’ve already broken three, and one of them twice. But Master hasn’t punished me yet. I wonder how many times I could break them before Master finally does punish me.  That's not a bad thing though, Master being so lenient means he is kind and loving. I love him so much…it'll be hard with █████████ but I hope he has fun.

### 3031 05 18

She doesn't care…

Isn’t it a nice thought? ████████ she warned you, did she not? We knew we were horrible.

And he’s still here. How cute.

If we play our cards right, they will be pulled apart.

Do we want that?

Without him, ██████ is ours.

Go away. You can’t hurt him anymore. If it’s the last thing I do, he won’t see your ugly faces again.

We are that ugly face of yours █████████, for him to miss out on us would be for him to stop seeing you.

I don’t think he cares about me anymore…

And if he doesn’t? █████████████ then, it can be just us… no █████ in the way. Dezako would keep good care of you…

But I don’t *want* to go back to the gray...It was scary, I hated it! You wouldn’t even be here were it not for Night!

Ay, that’s true. But is he gives up on you, do you have the choice?

I hope he doesn’t…

But if he does…?

I remember that you told him you were a horrible person, that he’d be disappointed…

He is…

All you do is cause pain. And you know it, don’t you?

You’re holding it all in, wearing a mask around your family. This beautiful black mask of the darkness that is corruption. Is this not what tarnished your sword?

The white blade now dripping with the venom that is your corruption? What if You infect him? What if you tarnish him? What if he takes his life, because of *You?*

████████ That’s not true...he won’t leave me. He doesn’t hate me!

Let’s see if he reads this.

Night, if you want your princess back, You’ll meet me head on. I liked what Nox did, hiding clues in these logs. Your princess has a counter, and if you don’t find her in that time, you won’t see her again. From the time you read this, you will have 24 hours.

Please don’t! No! He’ll leave me if you do this! He’ll think I won’t care! He’ll take his life! Don’t let him! ███████ don’t do this to him!

If you find all of our clues, you win, and get the sniveling mess back. If you don’t, you will never see her again.

There, now, ket. You’ve had your fun

I have control back Night. Don’t go searching for those clues

You and i will work this out

I love you

I’ll never leave you if you hate me

You’ll be my one and only

I’d push and move mountains for you

For my king calls me and I answer thy call

For you, my love, I can do anything.

Let my love give you wings, while I watch from below, beaming as you laugh

For you my love, Take it all, so that we can be one.

Cheesy, I know. Never knew I could ever right poetry, huh? But, It’s true, a poem from my heart. I will change for you. Just as you would for me

I’m going to work this out with you and you will be mine. I’d never let you go ████████

So, I know you're still upset with me, I will fix it, even if you demand I take my life as payment.

I love you so much, █████████████.