Jerusalem Countdown (GAM238)

### Starring:

David A. R. White, Anna Zielinski, Lee Majors, Jaci Velasquez, Stacy Keach, Randy Travis

### Production Company:

10 West Studios, God & Country Entertainment, Pure Flix Productions

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Jersusalem Countdown*** is a movie from 2011, based on a book from 2007 by Armageddon pastor John Hagee, and it's the story of how the Bible correctly predicted the Apocalypse of 2014. So, for those who don't follow international news very closely: in 2014 the world ended—this is a movie about that.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because fuck us.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love your aunt's Facebook posts about the Corona virus, but you wish they contained more completed Jews, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: ...best, best, best army guys jumping out of a pickup truck.
* Noah: ...Rube Goldberg plot.
* Eli: ...inciting incident.

### **Notes**

* Adapted from a book (not a novel) by apocalyptic pastor John Hagee.
* This is the best David A.R. White movie since *Revelation Road*.

### **Jokes**

* So, they start taking in this code (and this code is going to come back, "best worst code" could very easily have been any of our nominees), and it was so bad that I wrote the whole goddam thing down as it was happening. I was like "Oh, this is just delicious." I had no idea they were going to bring it back, but I have to point out one line in it, which is where the Fallen One says to the guy with the voice modulator, he goes "The stork is delivered." Are you… you sure? [Heath: Pretty sure you got that backwards. I mean, wrong, but you didn't even get the wrong thing right. Wow. And right after that he says "We're awaiting the Decalogue from Mother." And the movie's convinced that "Decalogue" is code, but it's not. That's the Ten—everyone knows that's the Ten Commandments, and they're using—it's so dumb. [Noah: Yeah. Yeah, uh huh. Well, but… okay, but it's one of the many things this movie puts in going like "Oh, but if he was a Christian he would have known." Or something like that, because they assume we don't know all their shit.] (22:25)
* Eee! This was my favourite part of the movie. He moves to the side, and there is a… okay, I'm going to say "little Italian boy from a 1920s movie about the Bronx. [Heath: Gnome. I would say gnome. He's like "Get your hands off me! You see that… gnome that I revealed? He's with me."] [Noah: So… but he wants to know what the "Revolution of God" is, and what "The Revolution of God" is… is the Illuminati, but they can't use those words or they'll sound as dumb as they actually are so they came up with "Revolution of God." It's a group of secret Antichristy people who are going take over the world.] And "The Fallen One"—this is about to be Noah and Heath's favorite part of the movie. What is "The Fallen One"? [Noah: Oh, fuck you. "The Fallen One" is, quote "A psychogical operations expert in Chaos Theory and Non-traditional Warfare."] [Heath: So that's full confirmation that this movie, and everybody on it, thinks that "Chaos Theory" is there theory of spreading political chaos.] [Noah: Making shit chaotic: that is what either John Hagee, or David A.R. White, or both, think that "Chaos Theory" is.] (1:06:33)

### **Interstitials**

* *D & D Minus* ft. Heath's Character, Dave the Dragon Wizard [Dragonborn. Not a wizard. -Eli] (9:19)
* The Evil Chamber of Evil's Planning Meeting (48:15)
* "He doesn't know our codes. Speak freely." (1:17:47)
* Bonus: Drunk Shitty Uncle in a Writer's Meeting (1:50:42)

### **Tropes**

* And Then the Rapture Happens
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDB