Boadicea

The **Boadicea** ( RC: Лаконе Центрык Дэмкрорад Боадицея - literally: "Laconye Tzentryk Demcrorad" ) is a retro-fitted old-school Jezebel highliner built for major interstellar military campaigns of the Laconic navy, you know, total war scenarios. Here I spend a few rotations bombarding a Righteous Alliance stronghold after a few months of classified shitfuckery for Nadine Ranigan back on Ancient Earth.

I chose orbital bombardment (RC: "Трохяк Бомбардизм") since they said it's shitty enough to limit competition, but at least exciting & it comes with a lot of prestige to buttress my volatile reputation!

My TroBom badge an Atreides eagle dropping 3 arrows from the top left on a cute little humanoid skull at the bottom right. The arrows represent the 3 main types of our weaponry: ballistic projectiles, guided missiles & tight beams.

First come the laser mapping beams, then the messages, warning shots. Surrounded by a swarm of interceptors & cruise missiles, we orbit the target from an unexpected angle, flip the propulzor to burn all incoming projectiles & then the stern cannons go boom boom boom. Death from above, ahoy!!

## DML goes Laconic

Since I have just built my track record in the field, I decided to apply for the job & I got my permission from Mars Admirality the day after, not surprisingly. I was picked up by the Gavrilo Princip where they put me to sleep in the medical bay & the next morning I wake up on this capital ship larger than Lake Baikal, spearheading an alien invasion of an Earth-like planet after unleashing a local cyborg rebellion. Yo!!

### Hospitalisation

I was with those rebel cyborgs on the alien team of course: literally I woke up on in a mound of female flesh on the other side of the galaxy. They were all these drugged-up horny spearwives on top of me, wearing cyberpunk medical instruments all over their massive bodies: they kept biting & sucking & licking my (relatively) slender little body with their big mouths that could chop through my neck in a single bite with their prominent jaws.

They were petting & groping me with their big hands or whatever prosthetic shit they had, not giving a shit about the fact that I just woke up. Finally the nurse came in to take me away for all of them nurses & their favored patients to get their turns with the fresh meat.

### Shower incident

Unfavored patients went on a harassment campaign in the communal bathrooms, significantly lengthening my start-up sequence by not letting me go back to bed one night. It was not just me they kept harassing, they did it to all the other Earth 2 recruits as well. Laconic women can be really horny as we all know, especially on all their medical drugs!

English subtitles with hilarious mistakes were streamed into the reading tissues of my brain as they spoke, it was funny! They also had those subtitles, but I preferred to dub myself in Creole with my fluent knowledge of the cyrillic alphabet, no matter how ridiculously bad it went sometimes cuz it was fun.

The shower gang was led by Sandra Sogdian, a peg-legged stocky black Imperatrix babe with an eye patch on her cute rounded face: always doing her hot girl shit instead of just telling what the *fuck* she wants, she was not quite a woman of her words!

Apart from her strictly regulated persona on the bridge, Sandra is the kind of whore who wants to solve all her personal conflicts with men by feeding them psychedelically powerful aphrodisiacs from her psychedelically beautiful dangling tits instead of logical reasoning: she hinted at the fact that she wants me on her light cruiser, so I got along until I just passed out.

Next morning she got court-martialed for the 100th time & she just laughed at the military police (RC: "Polemik Astynomia") the same way she laughed at enemy captains telling her to stand down, so I did not see her for a while. But then she called me to heel as soon as she got off the hook with some shady plea bargaining, promising me the greatest adventures of my life under her command!

### Personal life

I always hated the illusion of safety, so I tended to spend my time in shady bars where I could rely on my personal authority to let my friends watch my back instead of the military police whenever I passed out. The smell of female perspiration in the air was so strong that sometimes it was irritating my eyes to tears, so they kept thinking that someone just broke my heart & they all wanted to fuck me for that.

The highliner served as a universal business & manufacturing hub for all the other ships involved: a floating metropolis of more than 6 million souls on board. I had a tiny apartment of my own, but since I always had at least one crazy bitch who felt entitled by her sexual frustration to start banging on my door in the middle of the night, I kept looking for secret spots where I could get some proper sleep instead.

The officers' dorm was where the drama always happened: all those competent ladies I admired for their professional achievements, they just kept fighting us guys & each other over all sorts of trivial bullshit as if they were pre-teen girls having their first periods on the final round of a charity dance contest at school.

I went back to my flat only to work on my data sheets on daytime shifts when they were all too busy to come around. Once I got suspended for 3 days as the ladies started reporting me for sexual neglect & the shrink told them I'm a workaholic or something, so I had to go party with them. I had a shit ton of work but okay, sure!!

## Mission

"This is a human planet, sweetheart, don't be silly!" - said my boss babe in her bed where I signed my contract of employment by fucking her all night, following ancient Ranisch law from the days of yore: she had her left eye & her right leg back by then, so she was really pushy about the affair like yeah, I'll throw you into the air lock if you don't come running to my heel when I need you!! I don't know if she would have, sorry, I am such a coward.

I was a hundred thousand light years away from my beloved Mars & my beloved Sandra was literally a hundred years old. Never tried not to run to her heel. She said she feels with me because Earth 2 is a rural backwater shithole even compared to Ancient Earth, let alone this Rigtheous Alliance bastion with more than 40 billion people we were bombarding. "But It's gonna be fine, honey bunny, I was born on a primitive planet too!"

### Irulan

And now look what she became, with her light cruiser she named Princess Irulan giving me something much more than the Lorelai experience as we get brutalized by enemy forces almost every fuckin day! We are attacking religious artifacts used as military bases by fanatic fucktards, of course with women & children on board. Lovely shit!!!

The chicks on the galley keep trying to talk me into petty acts of sabotage out of worry for our safety, but I can never bring myself to do these acts. In the end I stand with the crew, half dead from a hangover, to sing the Laconic naval hymn before boarding the spacecraft for another suicidal ride.

The Laconic naval hymn is basically the well-known Condor melody with a few modifications: it has a vastly larger array of powerful wind instruments including brass & a lot more percussion too, always moving me to tears at the start of every goddamn mission. I am such a good Laconian, you see?

### Earth 2

With two glitzy new modular highliners arriving to assist the Nothanna invasion, the Boadicea is suddenly re-directed to lead the **Midian** Battle Group (RC: Мидъяне Полемык Стол) on a strategic siege around Earth 2 at full speed: something really messed up was going on there, with major Thanna forces approaching also at full speed!

Main article: Larina Shon