Don't Call Me Angel

*Todd plays "Don't Call Me Angel" on the piano.*

***ARIANA GRANDE, MILEY CYRUS & LANA DEL REY - DON'T CALL ME ANGEL***
***A pop song review***

**Todd:** *[sighs briefly]* So, uh...there's a new *Charlie's Angels* movie coming out.

> *Clip of trailer for* Charlie's Angels (2019)
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> **Stan Bosley** **(Patrick Stewart):** Outstanding, Angels.
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**Todd (VO):** And there's a song that goes with it.

> *Opening clip of Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus & Lana Del Rey - "Don't Call Me Angel"*
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> **Ariana Grande:** Boy, don't call me angel
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And, uh...

**Todd:** ...it's not fantastic.

> **Miley Cyrus:** Don't call me angel when I'm a mess
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> Don't call me angel when I get undressed
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**Todd (VO):** It's *[beat]* ...actually I'm not sure exactly how I want to tackle this. This feels like one of those things where I should be careful how I criticize it. Which is weird, 'cause everyone hates this song and thinks it sucks. But...

**Todd:** Actually, if we're gonna talk about this, why don't we go back to the very beginning? 'Cause to understand why this song is bad, you have to understand how we got here.

> *Footage of women's rights rally from...*
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**Todd (VO):** Okay, so in the early '70s, we had the women's lib movement, which *[images of...]* makes TV executives realize that *[...and a woman...]* women might *also* enjoy television.

> *Montage clips from* The Mary Tyler Moore Show; Police Woman
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So, for the first time, women get shows targeted at them that aren't crappy daytime soaps. And also for the first time, we get female-led action shows. We're talking shows like *Police Woman, The Bionic Woman, Wonder Woman*... *[still image from* Police Woman *with caption: "Woman Woman, She's all woman!"] Woman Woman*. But success wise...

**Todd:** ...all of these were blown out of the water by...

> *Clip of opening for...wait for it...*
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**Todd (VO):** ...the biggest of them, *Charlie's Angels*. It was a humongous ratings smash, it launched several actresses to stardom, and it's still basically the first show people think of when you talk about '70s TV.

(NOTE: Starting here, Todd uses swipe cutaways from *Charlie's Angels* as transitions for part of the review)

**Todd:** But, it always sat...

**Todd (VO):** ...weirdly and awkwardly in the wake of second-wave feminism. Now, I have limited experience with this show. And with feminism for that matter.

**Todd:** But, I can tell you that...on paper, this show is *extremely* progressive.

**Todd (VO):** I mean, yes, they do still work for a man, so it's not exactly smashing the patriarchy. But, they work for him for a reason.

**Todd:** Charlie believes in them.

**Todd (VO):** They weren't taken seriously on the police force because of sexism, so they went where their talents were valued. It sounds very inspiring, certainly for the times.

**Todd:** *[pause]* That's not really how this show is remembered.

**Todd (VO):** It's mostly remembered for being dumb as hell, and the main appeal of it being hot girls in skimpy outfits.

> **Policeman:** And what denomination are you, little lady?
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> **Jill Munroe (Farrah Fawcett):** 35, 24, and 35.
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Like I said, I don't know a lot about it. I don't watch a lot of old TV. But, it is on streaming, so I checked it out...

**Todd:** ...I picked an episode *entirely at random*...

**Todd (VO):** ...and the Angels had to infiltrate the Playboy Club. As undercover centerfolds.

> **Jill:** I haven't posed in the nude since I was six months old!
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**Todd:** *[shrugs]* Then again...

**Todd (VO):** ...the Angels did get in some decent burns on fake Hugh Hefner there. I don't know if this show is as bad as its reputation. I can only...

**Todd:** ...tell you that critics, and I mean, like...

**Todd (VO):** ...feminist critics and also just, like, regular TV critics, they all thought the show was brain-dead, soft-porn trash. *[image of Farrah Fawcett, Jaclyn Smith, and Kate Jackson on TIME magazine front cover]* And yet, it did have a lot of female fans. I mean...the Angels kick ass, they look good doing it.

**Todd:** So...what do you want? What...what more are you asking for here? Don't think about it that hard.

> *Montage clips from* Charlie's Angels
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**Todd (VO):** So, like, is the show positive? Is it sexist?

**Todd:** *[pause]* I don't know. Kinda? *[shrugs]* Whatever it is, the weird tension where it's both...

**Todd (VO):** ...an empowering female fantasy and degrading jiggle TV seems to have...

**Todd:** ...passed down through this *entire* cursed franchise!

> *Montage clips from* Charlie's Angels (2000)
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**Todd (VO):** The powers that be revived *Charlie's Angels* as a big-budget action movie in the year 2000. And that film did not give a *fuuuuuck*. That is a movie that absolutely wanted to live down to the show's bad rep.

> **Natalie (Cameron Diaz):** You know, I signed that release favor, so you can just feel free to stick things in my slot.
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I was a teenage boy. I did not have high standards, but I could feel my brain melting into, like, *[image of hands in...]* Nickelodeon green slime while I watched it. Like, I was insulted on behalf of the actresses.

**Todd:** But that movie had a theme song.

> *Video for Destiny's Child - "Independent Women Part 1"*
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**Todd (VO):** And if you listened to *that*, you'd find out that it's not a movie where *[clip of...]* Cameron Diaz rubs her ass on the camera. It's a movie about female independence.

> **Destiny's Child:** All the women, who independent
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> Throw your hands up at me
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> All the honeys, who making money
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**Todd:** This is what independence looks like.

> *Another clip from* Charlie's Angels (2000)
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> **Dylan (Drew Barrymore):** Mein Ziegenbock ist sexy!
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**Todd (VO):** *[sarcastically]* Girl power!

**Todd:** Well, anyway...

> *Clip of trailer for* Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
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**Todd (VO):** ...after that, there was a sequel in 2003 that no one watched, *[brief clip from* Charlie's Angels (2011 TV series)*]* a show in 2011 that no one watched, *[clip of trailer for* Charlie's Angels (2019)*]* and now in 2019, they're trying to bring it back again. And it's not out yet, but it seems like they're doing something a little different, and trying to keep the spirit of the show without...being quite so fucking tasteless. It's written and directed by a woman, that's something. It's headlined by boyish, gay Kristen Stewart. Still a very attractive woman obviously, but it *feels* like a statement.

**Todd:** Well, let me tell you, I'm still not looking forward to it much. 'Cause the first thing *I* saw for it was the theme song.

> *Video for "Don't Call Me Angel" starts*
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**Todd (VO):** Just like the last movie, we got three hot ladies to sing the theme. You know, 'cause it matches the movie. It's kinda stunt casting...

**Todd:** ...but I like it when they do that.

> *Video for B-Real, Coolio, Method Man, LL Cool J & Busta Rhymes - "Hit 'Em High (The Monstars' Anthem)"*
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**Todd (VO):** Like in *Space Jam* where they got, like, the five biggest rappers to play a basketball team. *[clips of "All for Love" by...]* Or like *The Three Musketeers* in the '90s, where they got Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting to all get together so that they could combine their *[...and* Super Friends*]* evil powers and finally defeat the Super Friends.
**Todd:** But in this case, we got three of the biggest female pop stars of our time to play the part of the Angels.

> *Montage clips of Ariana Grande - "Into You"; Mike Will Made It ft. Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa & Juicy J - "23"; Lana Del Rey - "Ultraviolence"*
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**Todd (VO):** We got Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus, and Lana...and-and Lana Del...

**Todd:** ...Rey.

> *Clip of Lana Del Rey - "Video Games"*
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> **Lana Del Rey:** Open up a beer and you say, "Get over here"
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> And play a video game
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*Todd is speechless*

> *Clip of "Don't Call Me Angel"*
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> **Ariana:** Don't call me angel
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**Todd:** You know in...

> *Clip from...*
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**Todd (VO):** *Addams Famly Values* where the popular girls try to recruit Wednesday?

**Todd:** Well, anyway.

> *Clip of "Don't Call Me Angel"*
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> **Ariana:** Boy, don't call me angel
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**Todd (VO):** Look, maybe the movie will be good, maybe it won't. Who knows? All I know is that the theme song, "Don't Call Me Angel" is *definitely* continuing the franchise's weird confusion over what it's doing.

**Todd:** And as evidence, I would first like to offer the fact that it's titled...

**Todd (VO):** ..."*Don't Call Me Angel"!*

> **Ariana:** Don't call me angel
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The theme to *Charlie's Angels* is called, "Don't Call Me Angel". An act of self-sabotage not seen since *[clip and edited movie posters for...]* the *Ghostbusters II* theme, "Stop Busting Ghosts Already", or the *Alvin and the Chipmunks* theme, "This Shit Is Stupid Buy Your Kids A Book Already".

> *Video for...*
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**Todd (VO):** So, anyway, like "Independent Women", *[clip of "Don't Call Me Angel"]* this is also a girl-power anthem of sorts, I guess.

> **Miley:** All my girls successful
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**Todd:** The three of them are girl-bossing it up, telling you to what to do.

> **Miley:** So say my name with a little respect
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**Todd (VO):** Okay, as evidenced by the title, the main idea for the song is that they don't like being called, angel.

> **Miley:** You know I, I don't like that, boy
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I guess they find it demeaning.

**Todd:** Again, a shocking statement from a movie called *Charlie's Angels*!

**Todd (VO):** And... I guess that it's supposed to be empowering, 'cause... they tell the boys to shut up...

**Todd:** ...and not call them condescending names.

> **Miley:** You better stop the sweet talk
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> And keep your pretty mouth shut
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**Todd:** Look, I... I see how that's supposed to be empowering. All I can tell you is, I have seen this kind of thing before.

> *Clip from...wait for it...*
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> **Bad Guy:** Nice kickin'. You really know your stuff, babe.
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> **Barb Wire (Pamela Anderson):** What did you call me? Don't... call me babe.
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**Todd (VO):** This is from the 1996 Pamela Anderson movie, *Barb Wire*. This shows that she's a badass, because in between getting her *[censored still image from* Barb Wire *of Pamela Anderson's...]* tits out of her leather outfit, she injures a guy's balls for calling her babe.

**Todd:** And, actually, hold on. I thought of a second thing.

> *Clip from* Space Jam
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> **Bugs Bunny:** You want a little one-on-one, doll?
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> **Lola Bunny:** Doll?! Never call me, doll.
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**Todd (VO):** Aw, man. Classic.

**Todd:** Ap...apologies for referencing it a second time. I'm just *always* thinking about *Space Jam*.

**Todd (VO):** 1996, great year for movies.

**Todd:** And feminism! *[gives thumbs up]*

> *Montage clips from* Barb Wire *and* Space Jam
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**Todd (VO):** Look, I'm not gonna pretend I have any handle on what's "good for women." But Barb Wireand 1996 Lola Bunny are, like, the textbook definitions of *[images of...]* strong, female characters as imagined by *[...and nerdy guy on computer]* stupid male writers. Like, they're bossy and aggressive. But you also get lots of close-ups of their ass. Like...

> *Video for "Don't Call Me Angel"*
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...that's the same feeling I get from this song. It's phenomenally empowering, but it's mostly about being attracted to dudes.

> **Miley:** Don't call me angel when I'm a mess
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> Don't call me angel when I get undressed
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**Todd:** Miley, if you're gonna get naked, I will call you whatever you want! *[laughs doofily]*

**Todd (VO):** Hold on. Is it bad just because it caters to guys' fetishes? Like...

**Todd:** ...we're guys. We can fetishize anything.

**Todd (VO):** Or is it empowering if *women* like it?

**Todd:** I don't know. Which women? I've seen girls claimed to be inspired by stuff I thought we all agreed was the *[still image from* Sucker Punch*]* dumbest teenage shit of all time!

> **Ariana:** You sizin' up my body
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**Todd (VO):** I don't know. This is the same tedious conversation we have every time something tries to be sexy and empowering to women at the same time. *[shot of Wikipedia article for "Don't Call Me Angel"]* The three singers have writing credits along with a dozen other people. That can mean anything. I don't know, this is all confusing me, and I don't feel super qualified to talk about it.

**Todd:** But, there is this.

> **Miley:** I make my money, and I write the checks
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> So say my...
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**Todd (VO):** Miley's verse has some kind of limp gesture towards the Destiny's Child song. You know...

**Todd:** ...we have money, girl squad and all that.

> **Miley:** All my girls successful, and you're just our guest
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**Todd (VO):** And then the song immediately forgets about it, but it's there, so...

**Todd:** ...why don't we compare it to the original movie theme?

> *Clip of "Independent Women Part 1"*
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> **Beyoncé:** Tell me what you think about me
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> I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings
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**Todd (VO):** Honestly, "Independent Women" never really did much for me. I never really thought about why. It's just not meant for me, I guess. It's directed at women, to make *them* feel good about financial independence. That's not really a feeling I can access as a guy.

**Todd:** I'm not really smashing everyone's expectations by buying my own shoes. And also I don't. My parents still buy my clothes for me.

**Todd (VO):** So... yeah, I can't relate. *[clip of Destiny's Child - "Bootylicious"]* But I didn't relate to "Bootylicious" either, and that song's eternally great, so...yeah, I don't know what it is. I guess, uh... the beat's just kinda stiff and overbearing, and all the movie references are extremely awkward. But it was a huge hit, and it launched Beyoncé *[clip of Beyoncé - "Run the World (Girls)"]* on a very long career of making women feel good about themselves.

**Todd:** So, clearly it resonated.

> *Video for "Independent Women Part 1"*
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**Todd (VO):** And it's not like I can't tell why. Obviously it feels nice to get paid and buy your own stuff and not be under anyone else's thumb. *[clip of "Don't Call Me Angel"]* And I'm not sure the new song is connecting with people the same way.

**Todd:** These last few years, I have gotten to know all sorts of reasons women are annoyed at men. *[images of...]* Mansplaining, manspreading, *[shot of article: "The secret plague of women at work: 'manterrupting'"]* manterrupting. Please God, don't let *that* onetake off. But being called angel?

> *Clip of "Don't Call Me Angel"*
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> **Ariana:** Don't call me angel
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*Todd just shrugs*

**Todd (VO):** It's a new one on me. Is that, like, a major concern in women's lives?

> **Lana:** But don't call me angel
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*Angel*? It's so specific! Like, are you regularly cat-called by...

**Todd:** ...1940s private eyes? *[in old-time accent]* "Hey, angel. Can you fetch me a drink?" Or hold on, wait. Is there more to it than that? Is it more than just "angel" being patronizing?

> **Ariana:** Ain't from no Heaven
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> Yeah, you heard me right
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**Todd (VO):** Ohhh, okay. Don't call us angels, 'cause we're no angels. We're *bad*.

**Todd:** Okay, Charlie's Angels are still the good guys, right? *[image of...]* They didn't become international terrorists or anything?

> **Ariana:** Oh yeah
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> Don't you know that I bite when the sun set?
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**Todd (VO):** Okay. Don't call us angels...

**Todd:** ...'cause we're vampires. *[image of edited* Charlie's Angels *title card...] Charlie's Vampires*. That's why you never see Charlie. *[image of hand coming out of coffin]* 'Cause he's in a crypt. It-it only gets more confusing the more I listen to it.

> **Ariana:** Keep my name out your mouth
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> I know what you about
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**Todd (VO):** Okay, so I can't call you pet names; I can't call you by your *actual* name.

**Todd:** What do you want, insults?! Okay, butt-breath. *[throws hands up]*

**Todd (VO):** Look, it all just seems forced. I think the idea is that female empowerment means giving commands to guys.

**Todd:** The actual orders, they don't really matter.

**Todd (VO):** Don't call me angel. Say my name. Say it respectfully. Don't say my name at all. Some of these are contradictory. Who cares?

**Todd:** We don't have to make sense. We're women. I'm an edgy offensive comic now by the way. It's my new brand. *[sarcastically]* Can't handle me!

> *Clip from* Charlie's Angels (2000)
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**Todd (VO):** Like, here's another weird thing about this new movie. Like, previous incarnations of the Angels, they all seem pretty balanced...like, all the actresses are roughly around the same level of fame.

**Todd:** Not so with the new movie.

> *Clip of trailer for* Charlie's Angels (2019)
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**Todd (VO):** We got Kristen Stewart, who's an actual celebrity; Naomi Scott, who's an up-and-comer. She was *[clips of* Aladdin (2019)*...]* Princess Jasmine, *[...and* Power Rangers*]* she was a Power Ranger. She likes being in action teams led by hidden bald men, I guess. And this person (Ella Balinska), I have no idea who she is.

> *Video for "Don't Call Me Angel"*
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And that kinda matches the song, 'cause... they're all unbalanced, too.

**Todd:** Like, they're all famous, yes. But in *completely* different ways.

> *Montage clips of Ariana Grande "Break Up with Your Girlfriend, I'm Bored"; Mark Ronson ft. Miley Cyrus - "Nothing Breaks Like a Heart"*
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**Todd (VO):** We got Ariana, who's one of the biggest names alive right now; we got Miley who has...followed her muse to very weird places with only intermittent success. And, uh...

**Todd:** ...we've got Lana.

> *Clip of "Don't Call Me Angel"*
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> **Ariana:** Don't call me angel
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> **Lana:** I appreciate the way you watch me, I can't lie
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> I drop it down, I pick it up
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**Todd:** What the fuck is she doing here?

> *Video for Lana Del Rey & Cedric Gervais - "Summertime Sadness (Remix)"*
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**Todd (VO):** Lana Del Rey has made... vague gestures at mainstream stardom in the past. But she's an indie chick, she's not a pop star.

**Todd:** Like, maybe she *should* be a big star, seeing as...

> *Brief montage clips of Lorde - "Royals"; Halsey - "Bad at Love"; Billie Eilish - "Bad Guy"*
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**Todd (VO):** ...a whole bunch of pop singers who came after her have been biting her style.

**Todd:** But she is simply not that person.

> *Video for "Don't Call Me Angel"*
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**Todd (VO):** This makes about as much sense as *[images of...]* NPR's Terry Gross co-hosting the *[...and...]* Joe Rogan podcast! She slams the track to a complete halt because her breathy singing had no business being on a song like this.

**Todd:** Also her verse is about... twerking?

> **Lana:** I drop it down, I pick it up, I back it off the county line
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**Todd (VO):** Like, as always, Lana Del Rey sounds languid, and detached, and...

**Todd:** ...vaguely sarcastic.

> **Lana:** I drop it low, I back it up, I know you wanna think you're mine
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**Todd:** So I can only assume Lana Del Rey twerking is like... her *[demonstrating]* bending over slightly, and then straightening back up.

**Todd (VO):** Honestly, I'm not even sure Lana's on the rest of the song. They-they use her kinda like a guest rapper. Like, this is the spot where *[brief clips of "Baby" by Justin Bieber featuring...]* Ludacris or *[...and "Girl on Fire" by Alicia Keys featuring...]* Nicki Minaj is supposed to jump in, spit a couple bars, and then fuck right off.

> *Clip of "Don't Call Me Angel"*
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> **Ariana:** Ain't from no Heaven
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If she's on the chorus, I don't hear her, 'cause she's just doing the least.

**Todd:** *[sarcastically]* I mean, surprise! Shockingly...

> *Video for Lana Del Rey - "Shades of Cool"*
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**Todd (VO):** ...Lana Del Rey gets overpowered in a duet with Ariana Grande.

> *Clip of Ariana Grande performing at MTV VMA pre-show*
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Hey, I got an idea. *[clips of...]* Hey, James Taylor, why don't you grab your acoustic guitar and sit in with Iron Maiden?

> *Footage of Iron Maiden performing "The Evil that Men Do" is intercut with James Taylor performance*
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> **Bruce Dickinson:** Ah, the evil that men do
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**Todd (VO):** Could you... could you strum a little louder, James?

**Todd:** Can't quite hear ya.

> *Video for "Don't Call Me Angel"*
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**Todd (VO):** Who in God's name decided the third angel should be Lana Del Rey? I-I'm just throwing this out there.

**Todd:** Charli XCX?

> *Video for Charli XCX & Christine and the Queens - "Gone"*
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**Todd (VO):** *Charlie's Angels*, Charli XCX? Wouldn't that work? I-I guess Charli's not big enough 'cause she's, you know, *[shot of article: "Charli XCX Is the Pop Star of the Future"]* the pop star of the future. She will be forever.

**Todd:** But actually, I can barely hear Miley either.

> *Video for "Don't Call Me Angel"*
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**Todd (VO):** And Miley *does* have a pretty powerful voice. I think they just wanted to keep it mostly Ariana's song since she's the biggest name right now.

**Todd:** Honestly, I think they should've given it more to Miley.

> *Video for Miley Cyrus - "Mother's Daughter"*
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**Todd (VO):** It's basically identical to Miley's last song. She's got the sharper voice, and she sells tough chick *way* better than *[clip of "Don't Call Me Angel"]* Ariana's feathery, fluffy vocals.

**Todd:** Look, I don't know.

**Todd (VO):** Whenever I hear any of this girl-power stuff, I feel like I'm trying to grade it like it's a gender studies thesis.

**Todd:** I'm-I'm doing too much here. The song doesn't work 'cause it's a shitty song.

> *Video for...*
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**Todd (VO):** I haven't heard "Independent Women" in a decade, and I still know *every* note. *[clip of "Don't Call Me Angel"]* This drops out of my head immediately. *[shot of Billboard Hot 100 chart with "Don't Call Me Angel" debuting at #13]* And that's probably why its debut has been kinda disappointing. It may stick around anyway. The film isn't out for a while.

**Todd:** But if it does stick around, it'll be the same reason that...

> *Video for Ed Sheeran & Justin Bieber - "I Don't Care"*
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**Todd (VO):** ...awful Sheeran-Bieber song is still around. 'Cause it sounds enough like nothing that no one objects to it. Honestly, just like Sheeran and Bieber, *[clip of "Don't Call Me Angel"]* I suspect the three ladies have only ever met through green screen.

**Todd:** Most of all, it's just a bad advertisement for the movie.

> *Trailer for* Charlie's Angels (2019)
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**Todd (VO):** Like, the movie looks like it's trying to be funny and fun at least. *[clip of "Don't Call Me Angel"]* This is no fun. It's self-serious, and boring... and it just sabotages the movie. Like, this November, go see *Charlie's Angels*.

**Todd:** But don't call them that.

**Todd (VO):** 'Cause it's a sexist term.

**Todd:** So feel bad for watching it when you do *[shrugs]*.

> *Video for "Don't Call Me Angels" ends*
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*Closing Tag Song: "Calling All Angels" - Train*

***THE END***

***"Don't Call Me Angel" is owned by Republic Records***

***This video is owned by me***

***THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!***