Star Wars in summary

Hello, dear reader. If you have stumbled upon this page, you are one lucky individual. My name is Beecher, and today I will be sharing with you my wealth of knowledge. Knowledge of what, you ask? Well, those in my circles know that my knowledge of a certain three movies is almost photographic. These three movies are the original Star Wars trilogy, a trio of lesser-known indie films that is now owned by white slavers.

I will now document my knowledge to preserve it for the world, so that it can be seen by future generations.

## Episode IV: The New Hope

Picking up exactly where the events of its predecessor Rogue One left off, Princess Leia and company are aboard a ship called the Blockade Runner, on the run after having stolen the blueprints to the Death Star. Unfortunately, they are outran by a much larger space vehicle called the Star Destroyer, and on that Star Destroyer is Darth Vader. Somehow the two ships have shared airlock technology that allows those from one ship to board the other, so Darth Vader and his hired guns board the Blockade Runner in a firefight.

Leia runs away, giving her loyal droid R2D2 (successor to the famous droid Chopper) the blueprints along with a message to Obi-Wan, someone she hasn't seen in years and has no idea where he would be so given the size of the galaxy it's a statistical miracle that the droid fell into possession of someone who had just met Obi-Wan. While she sends R2 and another droid named C3PO out in an escape pod, she is captured by her father Darth Vader and brought back to his ship.

Meanwhile on Tatooine, the droids get captured by Jews and brought aboard a ship. Eventually, they are sold to a farm boy named Luke Skywalker. Luke buys them to help clean around the farm that his uncle owns, because nothing says clean more than a tiny hut on a sand planet. But while taking them out for a ride with his fancy Landspeeder, they are ambushed by racist caricatures. But before anything goes wrong, they are saved by Uncle Ben. As thanks for saving him, Luke invites him to his house, where they happen to see Leia's message from R2D2. Luke proclaims she is beautiful, but Ben, despite being there when Padme gave birth to Luke and Leia, says nothing about Luke having a sister. Ever. Did it slip your mind, you senile old man?

Eventually, the evil mustache-twirlers in the Empire decide to burn down Luke's house for some reason, and it kills Luke's only family. You know, besides the one Obi-Wan forgets to tell him about. Luke, angry about this, wants blood, and they decide to go to the Death Star to save Leia. Or something like that.

Meanwhile, Leia watches her planet get blown up by the Death Star. Because the natural progression when torturing or getting information from someone is to jump straight from "light questioning" to "planet obliteration."

They go to Mos Eisley, where they meet Han Solo and Chewy. Han has a ship called the Millennium Falcon that can take them where they need to go, but before they can leave Han runs into Greedo. The debate of "who shot first" is a heated one that continues on to this day so I need not repeat what has been said. After talking to CGI Jabba and background character Boba Fett they leave on the Falcon.

Ben teaches Luke the Force on their way to the Death Star, but Han is skeptical as he is an atheist. They eventually near it but get pulled in by a tractor beam. They steal some Stormtrooper armor though so it's all good, not like they just got tractor beamed into a ship. When an unidentified ship boards your superweapon it's best to send two rookie soldiers to investigate with no backup or surveillance. They split up for some reason, with Luke and co going to save Leia, and Ben deciding to take a stroll. While they disable the tractor beam and save Leia, they are then caught in the trash compactor, but escape thanks to the droids. Meanwhile, Ben runs into Vader, and the two fight with their glowsticks. As Luke and co escape, they see the two fighting. Luke watches in terror as Ben is killed by Vader. Luke is sad but they escape. If only they hadn't split up for no reason.

Leia leads our heroes to the Rebel base, and look at the Death Star blueprints. There, they find a giant hole in the Death Star that leads straight to the center which if a bomb is dropped into it the whole thing explodes. While none of them are professional builders, they all question as to why no one ever thought to block that hole up. You know, like even a couple planks of wood or something. *Anything*. Regardless, they take this chance and head out. Luke, having never flown a ship in his life, is naturally assigned to the mission and given the task of holding the bomb.

Luke and the rest of the ships head to the Death Star. Most of them die, including the fat guy named Porkins. The fat guy named Porkins, let that one sink in. The 70's wasn't exactly the time of PC and shit but really? Anyway, after Porkins dies Luke decides to wrap this shit up and approaches the Death Star's hole, but not before Vader gives chase in his TIE fighter. As he approaches the hole, he forgets how to fly, but fortunately Ben's ghost tells him to use the force. Han Solo saves him too I guess. Luke shoots and scores the touchdown, and the entire ship explodes, killing probably millions of oblivious soldiers just trying to feed their families. They destroyed a planet-destroying superweapon, to be fair, but the rebels nevertheless decide that the best way to stop genocide is with another genocide. But hey, the good guys won! And at the end they get medals for some reason, because fuck literally everyone else who lived or died for this mission. Until the next movie!

## Episode V: The Empire Strikes Out

So what I am about to share with you is the finest movie ever created by man. You will never find a more pure, flawless piece of cinema than this movie that I am about to summarize. As you know, I am an expert on the subject of these three films, so without further delay I will summarize the second and most famous for you today.

This page will be pretty redundant soon, as the upcoming "Last Jedi" film will be an HD remake with the same story and plot structure. But let's begin! After the destruction of the Death Star, Luke and the gang decide to go on vacation to a beautiful snowy resort planet called Hoth. They wanted to go to a resort planet called "Hot" but accidentally bought the wrong tickets. But, making the most of their situation, they decide to have a winter holiday on Hoth in preparation for Life Day. They even set up a rebel base there. But of course, you can't have a rebel base without an Empire invasion of said rebel base. The Empire figures out where they are thanks to a scout droid. Do they have these set up on every remote area of every planet in the galaxy, or did they have intel on the Rebels' specific location? This movie is far too good to have to explain important things like that, and we carry on, as the Empire soon invades!

No need for bombing the base or the planet from orbit (a strategy at least 4000 years old) or sending infiltration units by night to attack them, instead they decide to send large, extremely slow walkers known as "Atats" directly toward their base in broad daylight, all from the same direction directly in front of their field of view. Before all this, Luke is chilling on a Tauntaun for some reason and then gets attacked by a Wampa. The Wampa kills the Tauntaun but hangs Luke in its lair upside down, and there's a really dramatic scene where Luke uses the force to get his lightsaber from the snow. How touching. Oh, and dead Kenobi tells him to go to Dagobah. Like, was being in the middle of an icy wasteland the best time and place for that?

Luke escapes but is really cold so they put him in a water tank for him to drown in. Thankfully he doesn't drown though and gets better. Leia kisses him too in front of Han, because at this point in the series' production they probably hadn't yet come up with Luke and Leia being siblings and wanted some love triangle tension between the main trio. They decide to send Luke, arguably their most valuable and critical member of the resistance, in a Snowspeeder to fend off the Atats with a few no-names. It works out, because for all the Empire's technological prowess they never accounted for a bunch of string.

So the Rebels escape just before the Empire's reinforcements arrive. Pretty much all the important characters besides Luke escape in the Falcon, and Luke goes to Dagobah and meets a Muppet. This Muppet is a former Jedi Master, and teaches Luke the ways of the Force in exchange for piggyback rides. The rest, on the Falcon, after escaping Boba Fett, an asteroid worm, and more decide to go visit Donald Glover in the Cloud City. But since this was a film from 1980, the black man betrays them and lures them into a trap with Darth Vader chilling in the dining room.

Vader decides to use them as bait to lure Luke, even though he never met or saw him in A New Hope and should have no idea who Luke is in relation to him, and also knowing Luke has no tangible way of knowing where everyone is. Something something, wibbly wobbly, Forcey worcey or something like that. So Vader freezes Han Solo in carbonite cause he looked at him funny. Leia says "I love you" and Han says "I know", before breaking into song and singing "I'm Han Solo" as he is slowly frozen.

After his adventures with the Muppet, Luke receives a Force vision of his friends trapped in the Cloud City, because in the late 70's/early 80's you could get away with having something lazy like "mystical space magic" as a driving force for the plot and a way to teach characters things they would otherwise not know about. So that's a thing. Luke arrives in Cloud City and has a battle with Darth Vader on the Nuke map of Counter-Strike. Luke is cornered, and Vader tells him that he is his father, in one of cinema's greatest plot twists. It's not like his name is German for "father" or anything. Anyway, as a loving father-son gesture, Vader cuts off Luke's hand when he refuses to join him in taking over the galaxy. Luke commits sudoku by falling off to his doom, but is saved by plot convenience.

This plot convenience comes in the form of Leia, who earlier on escapes captivity with the help of Donald Glover, and saves Luke after he falls with the Falcon, and has a vision (see: mystical space magic) of where Luke is and how to help him. They have a touching moment in the stars as a slave robot makes Luke a new hand, and the series ended on a relatively dark note. That is, until the Ewok spinoff came out in 1983.

## Episode VI: Revenge of the Jedi

Between 1980 and 1983, George Lucas and the executive committees behind Star Wars held a secret meeting in a dark and secretive planning room. "The Empire Strikes Back was a huge success, and will be raved about by nerds on the Internet for decades to come," George Lucas proclaimed. "... but I can't help but feel there was missing something."

"What could it be missing?" another executive asked. "It was the finest movie of our generation, nay, of all generations!" But Lucas sighed, thought for a moment, and then slammed his fist on the table. "That's it! I know what we need in the next Star Wars movie - a digitally created musical number during the Jabba's Palace sequence!"

All of the executives gave each other confused glances, but nodded anyway. A few weeks later, George Lucas discovered the technology for such a sequence was not quite there yet. "Fuck it," he sighed. "We'll wait for a re-release for that one. I'll have to settle for having some cute alien bear creatures on Endor!"

And without further ado, the summary!

We start on the sandy planet of Tatooine, because the only planet with sand in the galaxy worth mentioning is Tatooine apparently. I'd bet that Rogue One planet with Saw Gerrera was Tatooine, too. If only Anakin knew how much sand his son would surround himself with. Here, having somehow discovered Han's whereabouts, they attempt to rescue him from carbonite in Jabba's Palace. They send a disguised Leia and the droid duo inside. She frees Han from carbonite using her special Plot-Convenient-Anti-Carbonite-Spray and then kisses him before he even has time to breathe in air. But then she's caught and enslaved by Jabba. He makes her wear a golden bikini because Jabba the Hutt, a giant space slug, is apparently sexually attracted to human women.

Luke then arrives; he now has a green lightsaber after losing the first one. But where'd he get it? The lightsaber store? I can't imagine them being sold on the streets. It's not like Yoda or a dead Obi-Wan gave it to him either. Luke falls into a trap with a Rancor. Luke kills the Rancor by crushing it with a gate, and the Rancor's owner is sad. This scene always stuck out to me as a kid because it made me feel sad for the Rancor owner. Where's my Rancor owner solo film, Disney? But after surviving one trap with an alien monster, Jabba decides to put them all in *another* trap with an alien monster, this time a super spooky Sarlacc sand monster.

The fully fleshed out and emotionally engaging character Boba Fett is also there to witness this. But because plot armor, our heroes all escape, and Leia even strangles Jabba with her chains. Boba Fett falls into the pit and dies... but in EU content he escapes! But since EU is now non-canon we don't actually know now if Boba Fett survives. What a loss of an incredibly developed and underrated character.

At some point in the movie Luke goes back to Dagobah just in time to see Yoda die. I don't know why he decides to go back, or how, or even at what point in the movie, but it's a scene that happens. Then Ewan McGregor's ghost tells him Leia is his sister. Top 10 anime plot twists

After consulting with J.J. Abrams, the Emperor decides that the best course of action after losing the Death Star would be to rehash the same plot point and make another Death Star! So, completely unlike A New Hope, the rebels devise a plan to destroy the Death Star by blowing up its core. The main characters go onto the forest moon of Endor as a ground team to disable shields or something. AT-STs, Ewoks, bike speeder chases, oh my!

Luke is captured by Vader though and the two have a nice father-son chat as Vader takes him to the Death Star 2. They have a tense confrontation with the Emperor, and the two have a lightsaber duel. The other movies had better ones tho. I mean, no jumping Yodas, no Grievous spinning four at once, no double-bladed Maul saber, no... *whatever* the hell Kylo Ren has? Get with the times, Lucas. Luke wins, almost giving into anger, but calms down, and the Emperor is enraged that a little anger fit didn't suddenly turn Luke evil. He blasts him with lightning, and Darth Vader yells "NO" - he *definitely* yells "NO" as otherwise his motivations would be unclear - and throws him into a pit. Luke and Anakin have a touching moment as he dies, and then Luke drags his body like a rug into a ship and escapes.

Meanwhile, the other main characters destroy the shield, Lando and a monkey man destroy the Death Star with the Falcon, and all is well. Leia tells Han the truth, and Han reacts like a normal person would. They then have a party with Yub Nub playing (the **correct** version), and Luke sees the Force ghost of Hayden Christensen and friends. And they all lived happily ever after.

And at the end of the movie, you could hear someone utter the famous line, a prophecy of things to come: "I can't believe Luke Skywalker is dead."

## Afterword

Now that these summaries are complete, I will give a reward for those of you who read the summaries, but *only* for those who read these summaries. I will divulge a secret: sometime in the months leading up to The Last Jedi, I will do something. Something millions have done, but never myself. I will break two sacred vows in the span of a week.

On the first day, I will watch the Phantom Menace. On the second, Attack of the Clones. On the third, Revenge of the Sith. Four days later, I will watch The Force Awakens for the second time ever. *And in between those four days, I will watch Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, and Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi for the first time in at least fifteen years.* But remember, this is a secret **only** for those who read these summaries!