Lies, Damned Lies, and History

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> Lies, Damned Lies, and History
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> Cover of Lies, Damned Lies, and History
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> ### Author
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> Jodi Taylor
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> ### Illustrator
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> Zoe Foster
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> ### Published on
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> 5 May 2016
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> ### Publisher
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> Accent Press
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> *I've done some stupid things in my time. I've been reckless. I've broken a few rules. But never before have I ruined so many lives or left such a trail of destruction behind me.*
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**Lies, Damned Lies, and History** is the seventh novel in the Chronicles of St Mary's. It tells the story of Max and the rest of St Mary's as things finally, royally spin out of control. And on top of that, she's supposed to maintain that sweet pregnancy glow. Oh, and Ronan's back. Time to test the strength of that stiff upper lip, guys.

## Blurb

**Rules are meant to be broken, aren't they?**

Max has never been one for rules. They tend to happen to other people.

But this time she's gone too far. And everyone at St Mary's is paying the price.

With the History Department disintegrating around her and grounded until the end of time, how can she ever put things right?

## Plot

St Mary's, men's ward in Sick bay, the afternoon. The usual suspects - or as we call them, Markham, Bashford, Roberts, Sands, Lingoss, and a heavily pregnant Max discuss Bashford shooting a crossbow at Markham's head. Or at an apple on Markham's head. Either way, he managed to hit Markham's left ear. Which is now missing the top. Let's just say Dr Bairstow gets the short, tidy version and get on with it.

On Dr Bairstow's orders, Max and Markham jump to London, 19 July 1821, to witness the coronation of George Augustus Frederick as King of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland and of Hanover. They won't actually document the coronation itself, since it's a lot more interesting outside; George's legal wife, Caroline Amelia Elizabeth of Brunswick-Wolfenbüttel, is extremely distressed with the whole thing and tries desperately to crash the proceedings. During Caroline's attempts, Max notices a pinprick of blood on her arm and wonders whether that might have been the beginning of her fatal illness.

Up next is another safe, boring jump to mid-6th century Britain to ascertain the function of Caer Guorthigirn, a British hill fort near the Welsh border - the reality is, of course, a lot less safe and boring than Dr Bairstow made it out to be. Max, Markham, Peterson, Sands and Roberts land in the middle of an evacuation of the surrounding land, and join everyone else in running towards the fort for safety instead of following protocol and leaving. Once inside its walls, Max and the guys are separated by the villagers - the men are to fight while the women stay safely inside a big barn. The reality of the battle is, of course, the other way around.

Markham, Peterson, Sands and Roberts manage to get away with feigning to fight each other, witnessing the arrival of a band of knights on horseback who've come to defend the villagers. Max hears some of the villagers inside the fort call the leader of the band Arthur; this must be the legendary king and perhaps some knights of his round table. With Arthur on their side, the villagers are able to drive their enemies off and away, but not before they almost manage to suffocate and burn the women and children inside the barn to death.

After a hearty celebration Arthur presents the villagers with a sword - could this be Excalibur? - that he hands to a mysterious figure in a nearby cave, who seals it away from the prying eyes of history. Max and the gang jump back to St Mary's and notify Thirsk of the sword's existence and hiding place. The university immediately plans an expedition, for which Max chooses Elspeth Grey to represent St Mary's. Elspeth is still not sure if she wants to stay an historian, and this might help her figure it out. Thirsk finds the sword and the world cheers - well, everyone except for Roberts.

Roberts' family, who manage a farm near the cave Excalibur was found in, report to him some bad things that have happened since the sword's removal. Each time Roberts tells Max and the rest of the people who went to Caer Guorthigirn of one of these things, doubt grows in their minds about the true power of the sword. After the third misfortune happens, they're all agreed on the apparent fact that the sword has to do with the bounty of the land near which it was placed, and that it needs to be replaced if they want to prevent more bad stuff from happening.

Max, Peterson, Markham, Sands and Roberts make a foolproof plan to steal the sword from Thirsk University, replace it in the cave, and then inevitably get caught one way or another and thus face some jailtime. The plan works; Max and company sneak into Thirsk and retrieve the sword when all the alarms go off and the building is evacuated, after which they drive all the way to the cave, seemingly undetected. They once again see the mysterious figure by the cave entrance, and Max hands him the sword. The mysterious figure quietly retreats into the cave.

Back at St Mary's, they are promptly arrested by Guthrie and led to Dr Bairstow's office. Roberts and Sands resign from the institute while Max, Peterson and Markham are demoted before they, too, can resign. They hear that the Chancellor of Thirsk, Dr Chalfont, is no longer the Chancellor because of their actions. Max, Peterson and Markham become social outcasts at St Mary's. Leon offers Max a way out by telling her of a cottage they could rent that very weekend, but Max refuses on grounds of her earlier statement of wanting to work until just before her due date.

A week passes and the trio are still avoided by most - if not all - St Mary's employees. Rosie Lee tells Max that, while he misses St Mary's, Sands is happy and currently writing a book. Roberts sends an email telling her that his family's farm is no longer haunted by the lack of Arthur's sword, so he's all good as well. Max throws herself completely into fundraising for St Mary's, at which she turns out to be not all that bad. She, Peterson and Markham get through their days by pretending to be all right.

Some time later, Thirsk sends a Mr Halcombe and his assistent Miss Dottle to oversee all of St Mary's jumps. During breakfast one day, Halcombe tells Dottle to get him a coffee. She stays seated, stunned by the request, while Rosie Lee gets up and gets it for him. It's very clear she's spit in it. Everyone watches as Halcombe drinks all of it, realizes what Rosie Lee had done, and storms off. Miss Dottle is left behind.

Max gets a phone call from Lingoss, who, together with Sykes and Bashford, is in jail at Rushford's police station after having done a particularly awful experiment. The three tried to transport a dead body (Bashford, wearing a dress and a wig and a lot of grisly make-up) on top of a car. Rushford's police officers forced them off the road and arrested all three. Max and Professor Rapson make their way over to the police station and pick them up. Back at St Mary's, they stumble upon Halcombe, who insists Max violated regulations again by going outside without a chaperone. Dr Bairstow intervenes and, by way of completely undermining Halcombe, dissolves the situation.

After Halcombe tells Max to check the stocks on their Effluent Sanitizer, Max draws up a detailed and serious rapport about it and sends it to him. He confronts Leon with it in the bar one afternoon, who simply stares up at him with quiet rage. Halcombe once again storms off. Halcombe is persistent, however, and along with Dottle he accompanies Clerk, Atherton, Prentiss, North, Bashford and Sykes on a jump to Caernarfon, 25 April 1284, to establish whether or not King Edward I dangled his son, Edward II, from the Queen's Tower. The jump quickly goes south and Halcombe orders Clerk, Atherton, Prentiss and North to use an emergency extraction to get back to St Mary's. Apparently, he now has permission to override any commands given by historians to the pods.

Max confronts Halcombe about leaving behind two historians and his own assistent, to which he responds that he deemed supposed leprosy more important in the moment, as the situation could potentially become life-threatening. Max puts him in his place, then tells Clerk to keep him in medical isolation for the leprosy - which most likely isn't leprosy - and plans a rescue operation together with Markham and Lingoss. They make the jump and call Bashford, Sykes and Dottle to pinpoint their location. The three have gone to a pub. Max, Markham and Lingoss manage to extract their colleagues after throwing all their efforts into removing them from the wrong bar - Lingoss shows the angry crowd her wildly coloured hair and leads the mob away from the bar until they crash into a fishwife's handcart, covering the whole street in freshly gutted fish. While they could have stayed to witness Edward I's dangling of his son out a castle window, they decide to go back to avoid causing even more trouble.

Upon their return, all five are kept in Sick Bay for a while, Max the longest because of her pregnant condition. Dr Bairstow visits her for a mission report, which she surprisingly survives without a scratch. Max and Leon have a row about her making the jump, and Max storms off to the library where she finds an active, nameless data stack about King John - the one from Robin Hood, yes - losing the crown jewels in the Wash. She immediately gets to work planning another search-and-rescue for the famous lost treasure, along with Peterson and Markham.

On the day of the jump, for which they chose to use Leon's personal pod, Miss Dottle suddenly joins them under threat of telling Halcombe of their newest illegal activity. They jump to the Wash on 12 October 1216 and are caught in a flood.

[PLOT]

* Jump to the day before, and rescue treasure
* Jump to the same day, at St. Mary's, to bury treasure.
* She's offered her old job back, but doesn't take it, since it would only be a couple weeks before her maternity leave
* Her "final" jump is Stonehenge, where she's almost killed in a snowstorm. A much older Leon rescues her, saying "I've missed you"
* As she's leaving St. Mary's, Clive Ronan kidnaps her and jumps to some unknown, desolate place
* As she starts to give birth, the Time Police save her
* Max gives birth in between times, and they name the child "Matthew" after Matthew Ellis the Time Police officer.
* Peterson goes into Helen's office to pop the question
* Markham says that he and Hunter have been married for years

## Dramatis Thingummy

* Dr Edward Bairstow - Director of the Institute of Historical Research at St Mary's Priory. Hanging on by the skin of his teeth. Not a happy man these days.
* Mrs Partridge - Kleio, daughter of Zeus, Muse of History. PA to Dr Bairstow. Usually quite cross with Max anyway, so nothing new to worry about.
* Max - Chief Operations Officer. In even more trouble than usual.
* Chief Leon Farrell - Chief Technical Officer. Just as furious with Max as everyone else is.
* Mr Dieter - Second Technical Officer
* Dr Tim Peterson - Chief Training Officer and potential Deputy Director. Also in deep disgrace.
* Major Ian Guthrie - Head of Security. Furious with Max.
* Mr Markham - Guthrie's number two. Also in it up to his neck.
* Dr Helen Foster - Chief Medical Officer. Always furious with everyone, so no change there.
* Diane Hunter - Chief Nurse and long-suffering recipient of Mr Markham's affections. Probably still speaking with him out of pity.
* Prof Rapson - Head of Research & Development. Not often quite up to speed on current events, so relatively neutral.
* Dr Dowson - Librarian and Archivist. As above on current events.
* Theresa Mack - Kitchen Supremo. Former urban terrorist, so tends to reward rule-breaking with second helpings of crumble.
* Mavis Enderby - Head of Wardrobe. 'Not sure what it's all about, but look at the damage to this costume and it's so difficult to remove bloodstains.'
* Rosie Lee - PA to Chief Operations Officer. Doesn't care what's going on. Everyone else is an idiot anyway.
* The History Department - Conflicted. Loyal to Max and Peterson, but horrified ad what they have done. Concerned for the future. Makes a change from fretting about the past!
* Gareth Roberts - Soon to be ex-historian.
* David Sands - Keeping an eye on him.
* Mr Clerk - Historian.
* Paula Prentiss - Historian.
* Tom Bashford - Historian.
* Elspeth Grey - Unenthusiastic historian.
* Mr Phillip Atherton - Pathfinder. Bemused but loyal.
* Miss Elizabeth Sykes - Pathfinder. Ditto.
* Miss Celia North - Pathfinder. Never bemused. Loyal for as long as it suits her.
* Malcolm Halcombe - Possibly from Salcombe.
* Lisa Dottle - A bit of a wet hamster.
* Clive Ronan - Renegade historian and bad guy. Hasn't been seen for a while.
* Chancellor and members of the Senior Faculty, University of Thirsk - Nominal employers and purse-holders. All head-burstingly furious with St Mary's and out for blood.
* Dr Kalinda Black - St Mary's liaison officer with Thirsk University. Keeping out of it.
* Miss Lingoss - Former trainee historian in search of excitement. Transferred to R&D and found it.

### Historical Figures

* Caroline of Brunswick - Unofficial Queen and professional troublemaker. Fat.
* George IV - Her even fatter husband.
* Arthur Dux Bellorum - Yes - that Arthur.
* Old man in cave - Your guess is as good as mine.
* John Lackland - King John. About to lose something in The Wash. Not a sock!
* Herne the Hunter - Or not. Possibly an hallucination. Or not.
* Also featuring besieged Britons, marauding Saxons, excited Londoners, supernatural apparitions, Rushford's finest pickpockets, bluestones, thieves in the night, possible wolves, a clergyman with a high moral tone, a number of lightly damaged Time Police Officers, an unspecified amount of Turd Tumbler, and Oscar the Ringworm.