Insanity

How should I describe my special type of insanity? I've been through it a hell of a lot. The best I could do is compare it to a tumor. A tumor that slowly eats you from the inside until nothing but the tumor is left. Uncontrollable continuous growth. At first you think you can deal with it. Perhaps you even feel like it'll be over soon. In a few days' time you'll have realized that it's hopeless. There's no resisting. The pain gets worse by the hour. There will be days when you can do nothing but lay in bed and stare at the roof. You succumb to a feeling of toxicity. Nothing matters anymore; your judgement is clouded. You're capable of doing anything to get what you want. And you desperately want out. So you beg. You beg even if you get rejected. For months you beg, knowing you've made a fool of yourself. But it doesn't matter to you. Not anymore. The insanity doesn't let you see reason. Any moments of clarity are drowned out by intense feelings of sadness and rage. Insanity, rage, and guilt. Guilt for your past sins. Guilt for your actions while under this toxic haze. But this guilt only strengthens your resolve. You want out. The people you once considered friends hate you. You don't want to hurt them. But you can't help but beg. You invent ways to cope only to have it adapt and make it worse. You're unable to enjoy the now because you're stuck in the past. Your past friends mock you. They jeer at you and spit on you. You see this, and yet you continue to beg. Beg like a dog begging for scraps. You become a pest. No one wants you there but you're there by force. Your determination to get out is too overwhelming. You simply cannot move on. Not from this. You are vermin, coming unwanted. You know this. But you don't care. This haze doesn't let reason permeate you. All your energy is focused on getting out of this torture. But you never do. You dream of getting out and bing reunited with your friends, only to wake up to more jeering. So you grow angry. Rage envelops you. How could they leave you to this fate? You swear revenge, not knowing what you speak. Five seconds later you take it back. And still later you swear it again. This continues for a small eternity. Until you realize that you're nothing but a shadow of what you used to be. You used to be happy. You used to smile and joke around with your friends. You're not who you used to be. Your old self was murdered the second you were exiled. And it's all your fault. The tumor keeps growing throughout it all. There's no stopping it. You can't keep the war out of your mind anymore. You can't stop. This toxic haze has finally consumed you. You are a slave to this lust... not a lust for carnal pleasure, but for redemption. You can think of nothing else. I made hundreds of alts begging to come back. Each was more emotionally charged than the last. You don't realize what you're doing until it's already been done. And then it's too late. I'm but a shadow of who I used to be. The Smithy who would make videos and edits for you all. The Smithy who despite it being tedious work would gladly log chats knowing he's helping. I was wrong to cast everyone away. I let a temporary pain cloud my judgement. And that temporary pain gave way to this madness. I no longer feel heartbreak. I haven't felt it in a while. Perhaps this pain has purified me like a fire. I can only hope so. I know what's in store for me if I do any of it again.

Sorry for this, I just needed to get this out there. Just in case anyone was curious on how it feels.