Brian Fuck

A strange hybrid of man and goblin who meets the party at the end of Way Down in the Hole. He possesses long, shapely human legs, a goblin torso, a human neck, and a goblin head that is the same width as the neck. He calls himself a “maestro of the flesh,” and is responsible for the various organic hybrids and creations found in his cave.

Brian Fuck is a self-proclaimed man of science and magic, no longer content with the confines of flesh and nature. He wields both flesh-based magic and skilled engineering and biology to create his unsettling masterpieces. He has created many inventions, chimeras, and biological inventions including The Shish Kebab Express and Spinyfriend. He rarely sees company, attempting to remain polite and helpful while also speaking much too loudly. Brian Fuck only responds to his full name: Brian Fuck.

He was once a cunning goblin named Fuck, but after considering the short lifespan of a goblin, he replaced parts of his anatomy with that of a human to extend it and ascended to Brian Fuck. Photographs and newspaper clippings around his clockwork home tell that he was once a celebrated scientist, but the moral implications of his work had him chased out of town and leaving him to live in his flesh-crafted home in The Switchblades. The party meets him at the end of the episode Way Down in the Hole and deal with him throughout MAESTRO.

He offers to help mend Frederick de Bonesby's failing skeleton, adding goblin bones through his complex surgery to replace his former ones. While it works miracles and he treats the guests kindly, he ultimately delivers an ultimatum: they are forbidden to leave without granting him a fresh jaw and hand in return. Hot Roddy clashes in a duel of bullymancy vs flesh magic before the party escapes his lab and Brian Fuck's minions.

At the end of Look Out Below, Brian Fuck erupts out of his tunnel in the Jurisdiction inn piloting a titanic monstrosity of fused flesh. He rampages through the city seeking his payment of the party's jaw and hand before battling with an equally huge Bellow. Cordelia takes over Bellow's body with their latest magic item, crushing Brian Fuck with her fist after a lengthy battle.

## Trivia

* Brian Fuck speaks in a loud, theatrical voice. He explains that this is due to him not often speaking to people aloud and from goblin lungs operating with a human throat.
* Brian Fuck discovered that stacking goblins on top of each other like blocks makes them naturally cling together. This actually improved their lifespan and makes them much more capable as a cooperating hivemind. Said goblins tend to be quite happy with this arrangement.
* Brian Fuck has lived a very long life, to where he forgets peoples’ names and who he has actually met before.
* Brian Fuck takes particularly good care of his hands and tools, keeping the normally grubby goblin mitts clean and the nails trimmed.
* Brian Fuck decorates his home with his inventions, memorabilia, and awards for his achievements. This includes the key to Piss Harbor, which he was awarded before being chased out for his amoral ways.
* Brian Fuck was featured on a mug available during the stream of Cruise Control.
* Tiny James provides Brian Fuck with a supply of dead bodies from people who die in the hotel. He explains that Brian Fuck was kept out of Ruleshaven because of his name. Considering how often he says his own name, he wouldn’t last long in the face of the original rules.

## Quotes

*"My story is long! Long and sad! Like a weird hotdog."*

*"Why do you speak as a man!? You're not in trouble! I have problems with volume moderation!"*

*"Death is an inevitability, but it can be forestalled. I can push it back as you would an obnoxious friend."*