Nintendon't

The Logo

### Products

Game Boy line, Color TV Game, NES, SNES, Nintendo 64, Nintendo GameCube, Nintendo DS, Wii, and various video game titles.

**Nintendon't** is a video game developer and publisher company. It produces games for 8-year-olds (*Super Mario Bros.*), for 11-year-olds (*The Legend of Zelda*), recycles franchises which passed their expiration date in the nineties (*Starfox, Kirby and Donkey Kong*) and makes unfeasible party games you can't play because you are dying alone (*Mario Kart, Mario Party, any and all other Mario spin-offs*). The only few games they made that are decent (*Super Smash Brothers, Metroid*) still somehow manage to have been poorly handled.

## The Only Games they actually care about

When it comes to franchises, there's only three that Nintendon't actually gives a crap about. Mario, Zeldurr, an Pokemans;

Mario is the fat italian stereotype mascot for Nintendon't, and has starred in roughly 90% of their games due to their executives' insatiable shroom addiction. Mario and his brother Luigi save the Princess from a giant turtle. To aid them on their quest, they have a variety of power-ups, such as Fire Flowers (which cause flames to erupt from Mario's fingertips), Mushrooms (which make everything look smaller), and Super Stars (which cause enemies to have seizures on contact). I wish I was joking, but this is the staple of the average Mario game.

Zelda games are where you play as a blonde haired, blue-eyed elf boi who fights the evil, dark green skinned Ganondrumpf. Most of the games consist of running around with a sword beating up pig-monsters and going on a Needless Fetch-Quest to collect something to defeat the big baddie. Like Final Fantasy, every single Zelda game is the same but with better 8-bit graphics and more elaborate gameplay. Breath of the Wild manages to break this gameplay cycle by adding a free-roam element, thankfully, but still mess up in parts.

Due to the nature of the plot similarity of many Zelda games, the plot of most can be efficiently determined using the following paragraph, conveniently filling in the blanks with the table. It is well known within Nintendo that using this old Mad Libs trick, one can easily write a whole new chapter of any Zelda game!

In **(1)**, **(2)**; so Link must **(3)**. He must collect three **(4)** to get the **(5)**. However, **(6)**. So Link must do MORE work to collect **(7)**. He then gets the **(8)** sword, which he uses to defeat **(9)**. However, it did not end here, as he still had to **(10)**.

## Pokémon

Pokémon is a nightmarish franchise about enslaving a collection of horribly mutated creatures from the underworld, to fight other owners for monetary gain. Since its genesis, Pokémon has always released not one but two versions at a time. This is solely for Nintendon't to suck out more cash from what should have been just one game. Both versions contain only pointless differences that make little to no real impact on gameplay, but thanks to Nintendon't's marketing propaganda they've managed to trick consumers into believing the difference between both versions is akin to night and day. In any instance, your basic goal is to catch Pokémon, collect eight Gym Badges, defeat an evil team, defeat the Elite Four and Champion of the region. Most games will also contain some pointless gimmick such as diving underwater, Pokémon Contests, massive fighting complexes and of course more goddamn Pokémon to catch.

Each Pokémon has a special type such as Fire, Water, Grass, Electric, Dark and Psychic. Each type has a disadvantage or advantage over another, although every kid just uses Dragon-types, which ruins the entire sense of balance.

As for actual game strategy, it's pretty simple:

1. Grind your Pokémon to a really high level
2. Initiate battle
3. Mash the A button

And that's it. No really, I'm not kiddin' you, that's all you have to do. After a certain point, type advantages don't even matter because you can just one-hit everything.

1. ↑ This is completely true, and not just TheMetroidHatcher's opinion.
2. ↑ No racism to be seen here!