Lost THX Tex Trailer: An Illumination Boxset

Warning: This story contains content that may not be suitable for younger audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.

When will the nightmare end? It's been six days since I encountered the THX Blue Sky DVD boxset and 12 days since I encountered the THX Sony Animation DVD boxset. But once again, I encountered another THX boxset!

I was working my usual shift at Hardee's and, once again, in the dumpster, I found the THX Tex boxset. This time, it was for Illumination and the characters on the cover were Gru, The Minions, The Lorax, The Grinch, Buster Moon, Gunter, Max, and Duke. In the boxset were the following movies: Despicable Me, The Lorax, The Grinch, Sing, and The Secret Life of Pets. As usual, there was also the DVD for the lost THX trailer. The title was Illumination Entertainment The Ultimate THX Collection.

I was going to not take it home with me, and smash it with a hammer. But once again, my passion for THX got the better of me. So, I took a deep breath, went home from work, and put the DVD into my DVD player. As usual, there was a montage of all the movies featured. Then, the menu appeared with the options, "Play", "Scene Selection", "Settings", and "Bonus Features". I hit "Play" and a warning popped up, reading:

"Warning: The following trailer was made to promote the 2022 release of The Batman, despite that film not being THX certified. Viewer discretion is advised."

"OK," I said. "Here we go."

It opened with a shot of the lab from Despicable Me. Gru walked in as the Minions were doing some lab work.

"OK, Minions," said Gru. "Have you heard about Tex?"

The Minions shook their head no.

"I thought not," said Gru. "There is a killer robot by this name traveling across the multiverse, killing innocent people. He's worst than me. But as long as we stay here in the lab, we will be fine."

But at that moment, Tex dropped down, holding a Fart Blaster. The Minions and Gru screamed when they saw this.

"Hello, lab nerd and weird yellow things," said Tex.

"I am not lab nerd! I am Gru!" Gru said.

"I heard you invented this thing. So, TIME TO STINK YOU TO DEATH WITH THE T-MAN!" Tex said.

At that moment, Tex sprayed the Fart Blaster everywhere, killing the Minions and Gru due to the smell. Tex then flew away.

But the trailer wasn't over yet.

It cut to a random house in The Grinch. The Grinch could be seen propelled from a rope, stealing all of the Christmas stuff from the house.

But at that moment, Tex flew inside the house, causing the Grinch to drop down to the ground and scream. But it sounded like his voice actor, Benedict Cumberbatch, was actually falling from a high mountain.

"Hello, weird Christmas elf," said Tex.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" said The Grinch. "I've heard all about you! Think about all of those people you just killed! I will bring you back to my Grinch lair, so that you can be covered in trash for the rest of your days!"

"That's not gonna happen," said Tex with a chuckle. "Now, time to celebrate Christmas with Sexy Texy!"

At that moment, Tex picked up a ton of Christmas lights, tied them around the Grinch's neck, hung him at a high point, and plugged in the lights. But the screen cut to black and the sound of electricity could be heard, meaning that the Grinch had been electrocuted.

But the trailer still wasn't over yet.

It cut to the Moon Theater. Buster Moon, Rosita, Gunter, Ash, and Meena were gathered around the stage, performing their music. But at that moment, Tex walked onstage, with his electric guitar from the Second Pixar boxset trailer in his hand, plugged in and at full volume.

"Hello, singing animals," said Tex.

"We've heard a lot about you!" said Buster. "Leave now or we will call the police!"

"Is that right?" said Tex. "I just wanted to do a quick musical number with you guys. So, let's rock and roll with the T-man!"

At that moment, Tex started playing his guitar. Buster and the others screamed while covering their ears because the music was too loud. I also had to cover my ears during that musical number. Then, Tex hit everyone with his guitar, killing them instantly.

But the trailer wasn't over yet.

It cut to a shot of the Truffala tree forest. Ted, Audrey, The Lorax, and Granny Norma were walking in the forest. But at that moment, Tex could be seen, aiming a rocket launcher at the group.

"All I gotta do is aim directly at those tree huggers and they will be as good as gone," said Tex.

As soon as Tex said that, the group looked around.

"Um guys," said Ted, worried. "Do you get the feeling that we're being watched?"

At that moment, Tex shot a rocket at Ted and Audrey, who screamed as they were flung into the air. They ended up hitting a nearby rock and dying of severe brain damage. The Lorax and Granny Norma cried as they saw what happened. But it sounded like their voice actors, Betty White and Danny DeVito, were actually upset. At that moment, Tex popped up in front of them.

"Hi there, tree huggers," said Tex.

"DON'T CALL US THAT!" said The Lorax. "WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO THESE PEOPLE IS STUPID AND POINTLESS! I WILL HAVE YOU FED TO THE ANIMALS ALL OVER THE ECOSYSTEM!"

"NIce try, but that won't happen," said Tex with a chuckle. "Time to commit global warming with the Sexiest Dexiest Texiest!"

At that moment, Tex pulled out a flamethrower and started burning the entire forest with everyone in it, including the Lorax, Granny Norma, and poor Pipsqueak. They screamed as they were burned to a crisp. Also, that line the Lorax said before meeting his fate reminded me of what Grug said in the THX Dreamworks Boxset trailer that was previously encountered.

Anyways, the trailer still wasn't over yet.

It cut to a shot of a dog park in New York City. Max, Duke, and Gidget were playing around. But at that moment, Tex popped up in front of them, startling them all.

"Oh good," said Tex. "More dogs. Do you three like balls?"

"Yes," said Max. "But please don't kill us. We've heard a lot about you."

"Don't worry," said Tex as he pulled out what appeared to be a tennis ball. "I just want to play a quick game of Fetch."

Tex threw the ball and the dogs went to go catch it. But as soon as they caught the ball, Tex could be seen holding a remote control.

"JUST KIDDING!" said Tex. "THAT BALL IS ACTUALLY A NUKE! IT'S TIME FOR A DOG DINNER WITH SEXY TEXY!"

Tex pressed a button on the remote control, which caused the nuke to detonate. Max, Duke, and Gidget screamed as they were blown to bits.

But the trailer still wasn't over yet.

It cut to a shot of the Illumination logo and the THX logo. But the Illumination logo was turned off and looked bloody. Then, the deep note played. This time, the screams belonged to Gru, The Grinch, Buster Moon, Rosita, Ted, Audrey, The Lorax, and Max. After the deep note stopped, Tex popped down and gave his speech:

"Hello, Illumination fans! Sexy Texy is back at it again, killing animated characters for disrespecting my company! Remember the Sexy Texy Rule: If you are scared of me or my company, the T-Man will rock your world! Pleasant dreams!"

Tex flew away as the "The Audience is Listening" slogan popped up on the screen. Then, "To Be Continued..." appeared, ending the trailer.

I was seriously scared at that point. Just like all of the other THX trailers I encountered, I smashed the Illumination trailer into bits and threw in the Hardee's dumpster. I knew that I couldn't keep watching these trailers, at least not on my own. So, I called up someone who has knowledge of these trailers: DaveAlt1995, who has encountered trailers from Vortexx CW, KQED Kids, Netflix, and HIT Entertainment featuring Tex. He told me the next time I encountered a THX trailer, to call him and he would watch it with me.

My troubles with THX would continue from here. But at least I would have someone who had knowledge of THX to help me out this time.

(To be continued...