Johnny Bollocks: A Life Of Balls

### Characters

Brian Children, Brian Penis, Bob Scrotum, Danny Boobs, Johnny Bollocks, Dick Sprinkles, Harry Bum, Cassandra Bollocks, Tapas Croissant, Danny Wanker

**Johnny Bollocks: A Life Of Balls** was a sketch video released in 2021. Sully plays all of the characters, except from the interviewer who is played by Brooke.

## Plot

Brian Children is presenting for Subbuteo News. He lists Brian Penis, Bob Scrotum, and the still-alive Danny Boobs as some of the greatest Subbuteo players we have ever seen. He suggests that for S\*\*\*forth United, Johnny Bollocks could be a hero.

He explains that since Bollocks was created in 1994, he has played for S\*\*\*forth, one of the greatest ever teams to be played in Brian's household. In the 2002 Football Cup final, Bollocks got those balls right into the goal. However, he had many vicious encounters with the vicious and spiteful Dick Sprinkles.

Bollocks is interviewed, and says he is proud of the team and his goals, and loves Subbuteo. He also says he thinks Sprinkles is a lovely bloke who was a little nasty to him and did try to frame him for the kidnapping of his friend, but that they were best friends.

Harry Bum, S\*\*\*forth's manager, is interviewed. He says he has only ever played a 4-4-2 formation. He first met Johnny when he came out the pack, and called him a "f\*\*\*in' beautiful little piece of plastic." He saw Johnny as a weakling, so got him to do an egg round, going round the whole of Yorkshire with a sack of eggs on his back, giving them out; he broke every single egg, and had to pay for them all. He called Sprinkle a "f\*\*\*in' prick" and Bollocks "one of the most naive fellas i've ever met in my entire life."

Johnny's wife, Cassandra Bollocks, says they first met when he came out the box; she said "that's a lovely bit o' f\*\*\*in plasic there." She dispels the idea that she is a pervert for going out with a piece of plastic as a soft toy. Johnny says he met Cassandra when she was watching first game; they went for a drink down the local pub afterwards.

Children reveals that Bum was sacked from S\*\*\*forth United, as it needed new blood and ideas. The ambiguously European Tapas Croissant replaced Bum. Croissant says he loves his work and cries at least three times a day. He reads a poem called *Formations*;

> 4-4-2,
> 4-4-2 diamond,
> 4-3-3,
> 4-5-1.
>
>
>

He describes his team management skills in training with an example involving slapping, kissing, and sleeping with his players' wives and husbands.

Croissant describes the Football Cup final as a difficult day, and the greatest day he ever saw, despite S\*\*\*forth not winning. Bollocks said the final had been a dream of his since before he was moulded into the shape of a footballer.

Danny Wanker talks about Bollocks' positivity, and of Dick accusing Bollocks of kidnapping Wanker. This had been egged on by the press, despite Wanker being hidden behind the back of the sofa. Sprinkles, who plays for Twatbox FC, is interviewed. He says he is a winner, and that Bollocks is a "f\*\*\*in' prick". He neither confirms nor denies framing Bollocks, but says it was a great idea if he did as it effected him in the game.

At the final at the Big Football Arena, Children commentates. Bollocks scores a goal, but Sprinkle later reacts to a bad challenge from Bollocks, tackling him. Twatbox scores two goals, and another bad challenge causes the teams to come to blows. Wanker and Bollocks hit out at Twatbox and are both given red cards.

In interviews, Bollocks refuses to believe that Sprinkles provoked him, while Sprinkles admits to having done just that, telling Johnny to stop ringing him about going for a pint.

Twatbox scores a third goal. Cassandra calls Johnny a "f\*\*\*in prick", and says she really loves Sprinkle's hair and that they can go out. She wouldn't cheat on Johnny, unless Dick offered. Johnny now only had one chance left to win a final, as he was in his final year at S\*\*\*forth.

Children outros Subbuteo News with the classic catchphrase, "F\*\*\* off!"