Dick and Johnson (characters)

Dickamus Finglefangle and Johnsonia Flibbertyshop,

JC Chazé and Sysco Dreamstake,

Shaggy Rogers and Scooby-Doo,

Fred Maple and Hockey Beer,

Roy Siegfried and Radamir "Rad" Poutine,

Crian O'Bonner and Dominic Gardetto,

Smack Daddy and Johann van Sebastian Holmes

Cupcake and Glasses

### Appearances:

Episode I: No Survivors - Kick Ass and Chew BubblegumEpisode II: No Survivors - Snakes on the Chunnel

All episodes of Dick and Johnson (series)

Dick Rider and Johnson Hopper are two Good ol' boys from the South who have been best friends since kindergarten and frequently save the world by kicking ass and chewing bubblegum. They love and defend America and everything it stands for, which is flips, freedom, and Britney Spears.

## Kicking Ass

Dick and Johnson regularly kick the asses of a number of archnemeses and supervillains and their henchmen, and occasionally of bystanders and each other. Their most kick ass moves usually involve a high number of flips. One of their signature moves was developed by the two during their very first fight together, against a kindergarten bully, and consists of Dick throwing Johnson, who tugs into a perfect ball. This move has been shown to potentially be lethal. When interrogating suspects, Dick and Johnson always ask the most important question first "WHO THE FUCK SENT YOU!"

Even though most of Dick and Johnson's adventures are missions assigned to them by the US government, and they have stated to be on the government's payroll, it remains unclear whether they are in fact federal employees, as they apparently hold no rank or title in any military, police, or civilian agency. The Chief will sometimes refer to allies he sends Dick and Johnson, or even to the two of them, as agents or members of "the Agency." Dick and Johnson's ass kicking is greatly enhanced when they drink Budweiser. They have also discovered their blood to taste like Budweiser, and to be too kick ass to be turned into vampires, after being offered immortality by Pep R. Ridge.

## Chewing Gum

Dick and Johnson have met many interesting characters, and have made many friends and allies during their exploits. One of their oldest contacts and friends is The Chief, who first met with the two during their senior year of high school, but didn't become a permanent liaison until their time at college. Shortly before leaving college, the two also met Jenny Jehoshaphat, the first true love for both of them. Dick and Johnson are also good friends with Barack Obama.

While The Rock has been present during several of Dick and Johnson's missions, his relation to Dick and Johnson is as of yet unclear.

Dick and Johnson are acquaintances of Toothless Jerry, a gator that may have been a man once and lives in their neighborhood. He does the household chores for the two.

## Relationship

The exact moment Dick and Johnson first met has been described multiple times with minor variations, but always takes place in kindergarten at about the age of five, possibly around the year 1997.

Dick, who had moved to the area from the north, was being introduced to the kindergarten class and assigned a seat next to Johnson. Johnson was then tasked by the teacher to help Dick acclimate, and the two quickly decided to become best friends, before going on their first adventure.

In another instance, Johnson recounts their first encounter as him playing by himself, wishing for a best friend, and then seeing Dick, who was playing with a lasso made of thirty earthworms tied together.

Dick and Johnson are also inseparable in their dreams, always having shared dreams for as long as they have known each other.

 They frequently proclaim their strong friendship ever since meeting, emphatically stating they are "best friends since kindergarten" and very much like brothers (occasionally even hinted at to possibly be half-brothers). Since both are about the same age (about 30), and were raised by single mothers (and presumably without siblings), they have found much common ground from the beginning, and forged a bond stronger than any other relationship in their lives, even calling each other soul mates. They have stated that they have considered a romantic relationship once during their early teenage years, but, having felt no physical attraction for one another when kissing one night on a moonlit beach, had decided to just remain best friends.

### Jenny Jehoshaphat

During their sophomore year at college, Dick and Johnson both fell in love with **Jenny Bartholomew Jehoshaphat** and began fighting over her. The physical fight took the form of a raging storm that lasted four days, destroying the ground in the area, and killing one bystander. Over the next few days, the two did not talk to each other and separately courted Jenny. Planning a *Lady and the Tramp* style spaghetti dinner, Dick attempted to create the world's longest spaghetti noodle. However, he failed and was left with no meal to show as Jenny arrived at his place in the swamp. She then confessed to Dick that she had feelings for Johnson, but was interrupted as a gator attacked and bit off part of her calf. Johnson, who had originally also planned a *Lady and the Tramp* dinner, had learned that Dick had already created one, but not that it had ended in such a fiasco. Johnson then attempted to reenact *Sleeping Beauty* for his date, but was turned down by Jenny, who ran back to Dick.

Unbeknownst to Johnson, Jenny had only returned to Dick to tell him that, despite being in love with Johnson, she had decided to move to Tahiti. She had sensed the strong bond between Dick and Johnson and the important role they would play in the future and, not wanting to destroy it, made Dick promise never to tell Johnson the truth, but to instead tell him that she only loved Dick and Dick had then rejected her to save his friendship with Johnson. Jenny died four years later, when spraining her ankle and falling while getting off a bus. This was unrelated to her calf injury, which had healed by that time. She left behind a son, Billy Joel (played by Haley Joel Osment), tough his father remains unknown. Neither Dick nor Johnson are the father, as confirmed by a DNA test.

### Splazzh

During an event that lead Dick and Johnson to travel into the past, they somehow jointly fathered a son with an, as of yet, unknown woman. The two fathers were unaware of their child, just as he was unaware of his parents until meeting them much later in life. The truth about Splazzh' biological origin was not revealed until many years later, after Dick had finally received the official papers from the DMV. Because Splazzh was born in the past, from Dick and Johnson's perspective, he is in fact older than his fathers.

## Home and Equipment

Dick and Johnson live together in a secluded house, built mostly out of plywood, aluminum, and chain link fences, in the wooded swamplands somewhere in a US state in the South, often suspected to be Louisiana, although the doorbell plays the song *Sweet Home Alabama*. The building contains many rooms for different recreational activities, such as a **Home Theater Room**, at least one bar, a vast library, a room dedicated to guns and American flags, a room filled with nothing but gold medals, a former Christian Science reading room changed to a **Science Reading Room**, a **Sweet Tea Room**, a **Wardrobe Room** containg a whole forest of mostly wardrobes, a **Sideroom** which is filled with replicas of famous siderooms, and a **Precarious Precipitous Cavernous Caaaabinet Room**; there are also multiple places to eat: a BBQ restaurant, a gastroeconomaly appropriate BBQ-restaurant-appreciation restaurant, a private restaurant with a staff of thirty cooks, trained to prepare any item of all popular chain restaurants; an indoor pool connects to the swamp, allowing the two to leave the house directly by water; a mall room does not contain a mall, but the entrance to a high speed transportation tube system that leads directly into the **Mall of America**. In addition to regular stairs, all rooms in the house are also connected through fireman's poles, shoots, many of which are hidden, and one single ladder. There are at least two boat ramps on the estate, a patch of swamp frozen by Johnson, using a freeze ray he built, to play ice hockey on or go ice fishing; an extensive garden, and an emu farm.

The advanced technology inside the house is managed by its **Smart House AI** (voiced by Katey Sagal). The house is also the place where the Chief typically calls Dick and Johnson on their **Red Phone**. Next to the Red Phone are also a **White** and a **Blue Phone**, however, their functions are yet to be revealed. Dick and Johnson's favorite board game is *Jumanji* (not a game based on the film, but the actual cursed game).

Among Dick and Johnson's other possessions are a vast collection of movies, comic books, collectibles and toys, memorabilia from the White House given to them by Barack Obama after saving his life, literally everything related to Britney Spears, and a **Redneck Time Machine (RNTM)** with the number three painted on the side in the style of Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s race car and outfitted with bubble machines. Even though the actual time machine is a very small device, Dick and Johnson have constructed additional parts around it for fun.

*See Macho Fan Randy Savage for the fanboat of the same name and a list of Dick and Johnson's other vehicles.*

## Behind the Scenes

While Dick and Johnson's physical appearance and ethnicity has never been explicitly stated, it is assumed that they mostly coincide with the players, and Navarro has stated that he imagines Dick as Hispanic. This is confirmed by the animated show opening that depicts the two main characters very much resembling the two players.

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Episode 16: Dick and Johnson Go to Medieval Times
2. ↑ Episode 22: The Canada Quest
3. ↑ Episode 17: Casino Not-So-Royale
4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 Episode 27: Dick and Johnson and a Basket of Fries Part 2
5. ↑ Episode 1: The Origin of Kicking Ass
6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 Episode 15: Dick and Johnson Go to Counseling
7. ↑ Episode 12: Dick and Johnson Meet the Scooby-Doo Crew
8. ↑ Episode 31: Dick and Johnson and the Surprise AMA