Calvin and the Colonel: Bears Attacks!/Quotes

## Dialogue:

* Calvin Burnside: Good evening, can I help you?
* Mr. Toad: Well, no! We were wondering if we can help you!
* Thelma the Girl: You're a very small bear, where are you from?
* Calvin Burnside: Darkest Peru, I'm not really supposed to be here at all, I'm a stowaway. I came all the way on a lifeboat and I ate marmalade. Bears like marmalade. I used to live with my aunt Gladys, but she had to go to a home for retired bears and so I immigrated.

(Interior: cheap café. All the customers are Pirates. Colonel and Maggie Belle enter).

* Colonel Montgomery J. Klaxon: Good evening!
* Susan Culpepper: GOOD EVENING!
* Colonel Montgomery J. Klaxon: What have you got, then!
* Susan Culpepper: Well there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and sausage; sausage, sausage, sausage, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam; or lobster thermidor aux crevettes, with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle paté, brandy and a fried egg on top and spam.
* Maggie Belle Klaxon: Have you got anything without spam in it?!
* Susan Culpepper: Well, there's spam, egg, sausage and marmalade. That's not got MUCH spam in it.
* Maggie Belle Klaxon: I don't want ANY marmalade spam!
* Colonel Montgomery J. Klaxon: Why can't she have egg, bacon, marmalade, spam and sausage?
* Maggie Belle Klaxon: That's got marmalade spam in it!
* Colonel Montgomery J. Klaxon: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and marmalade.
* Maggie Belle Klaxon: Look, could I have egg, bacon, marmalade and sausage, without the marmalade spam!
* Susan Culpepper: Uuuuuuggggh!
* Maggie Belle Klaxon: What d'you mean, uugggh! I don't like marmalade spam!
* Pirates: (singing) Marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam... marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam... lovely marmalade, wonderful marmalade...
* Susan Culpepper: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can't have egg, bacon, spam, marmalade and sausage without the marmalade spam!
* Maggie Belle Klaxon: WHY NOT?!
* Susan Culpepper: No, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam, marmalade and sausage, would it?!
* Maggie Belle Klaxon: I DON'T LIKE MARMALADE SPAM!
* Colonel Montgomery J. Klaxon: Don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your marmalade spam. I hate it. I'm having marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam...
* Pirates: (singing) Marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam...
* Colonel Montgomery J. Klaxon: ...baked beans, marmalade spam, maramalade spam and marmalade spam!
* Susan Culpepper: Baked beans are off!
* Colonel Montgomery J. Klaxon: Well can I have marmalade spam instead?
* Susan Culpepper: You mean marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam?
* Pirates: (still singing) Marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam... (etc.)
* Colonel Montgomery J. Klaxon (shouting): YES!
* Susan Culpepper: WHOA!
* Pirates:... lovely marmalade spam, wonderful marmalade spam.
* Susan Culpepper: SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!

(The Pirates shut up momentarily. Enter the Calvin.)

* Calvin Burnside: Great boobies honeybun, my lower intestine is full of marmalade spam, egg, marmalade spam, bacon, marmalade spam, tomato, marmalade spam...
* Pirates: (Singing) Marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam...

(A policeman rushes in and bundles the Calvin.)

* Calvin Burnside: (As he leaves) I'll say moment if you don't mind...

(Cut to an Judge Oliver Wendell Clutch as Historian.)

* Judge Oliver Wendell Clutch: Another great Pirate victory was at the Rainforest café at London. And now it's time once again for the Pirate strategy was the same. They sailed from these fiords here, (indicating map with arrows on it) assembled at Trondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly winds to blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on December 23rd. Once and for all in London they assembled at the Rainforest café and marmalade spam selecting a marmalade spam particular marmalade spam item from the marmalade spam menu would marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam...
* Pirates: (singing) Marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, marmalade spam, lovely marmalade spam, wonderful marmalade spam. Lovely marmalade spam, wonderful marmalade spam...