Captain Drak's Fanfiction

[ABOARD RUINED FEDERATION STARSHIP. SCENES OF MASS DESTRUCTION VISIBLE ON THE VIEWSCREEN]

CAPTAIN : It's over! The Borg mothership is through our defenses! The Alpha quadrant is lost!

OPS OFFICER : Captain! A ship has just warped in. Daedalus class. The SS Battleaxe.

CAPTAIN : Daedalus? Command must be playing for time to evacuate if they're throwing junkheaps at the
enemy.

[CUT TO BRIDGE OF DRAK'S SHIP]

BORG ON VIEWSCREEN : We are the borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is fu-
DRAK : Yeah?.From here it looks like the only resistance going to be futiled is yours, you son of a bitch !

[CONFUSED LOOKS FROM BRIDGE CREW]

DRAK : Viewscreen off! Red Alert!
OPS OFFICER: We're already at red alert, sir
DRAK : [ECU, EYES SQUINT] Then go to razzle dazzle red alert.
OPS : Aye captain!

[SCENE GOES DARKROOM RED, WITH GLITTERY, SHINY JJ ABRAMS HIGHLIGHTS AND FLARES]
DRAK : Prepare for sphere separation! Everyone to the battle bridge! [COMBAT ROLLS TO THE LEFT]
OPS : This is the battle bridge, sir. Also, the only bridge on the ship.
DRAK [STANDING AND DUSTING SELF OFF] : Then I can see this crew is loyal to the end. I thank you all for not
leaving. COMPUTER! COMMENCE SPHERE SEPARATION! AUTHORISATION 2-DRAK-2-QUIT.

[CONFUSED AND WORRIED LOOKS FROM BRIDGE CREW]
[CUT TO BRIDGE OF RUINED SHIP]
CAPTAIN : What the? The ship is sphere separating! I didn't even know that model was capable...
RANDOM ENSIGN : That must be Captain Drak's ship!
OPS : Drak? If the rumours are true, that crazy space pirate filled the sphere section with enough unstable warp
cores to tear a hole in the multiverse right through to nega-space!
CAPTAIN : And it looks like he's on a collision course with the Borg mothership...

[CUT TO ULTRA WIDE SHOT OF SPHERE SECTION WITH COMICAL BOMB FUSE SLOWLY DRIFTING THROUGH
THE CHAOS TOWARDS BORG MOTHERSHIP]

[CUT TO BRIDGE OF DRAK'S SHIP]
[CREW RUNNING AROUND IN CHAOS, SCREAMING THEY DON'T WANT TO DIE]
[DRAK STANDS PROUDLY, WATCHING THE VIEWSCREEN AS THE SPHERE DRAWS CLOSER TO THE BORG
MOTHERSHIP]

[CUT TO ECU OF DRAK'S SMILING FACE, THE NEXT GENERATION THEME PLAYING IN HIS HEAD]

[CUT BACK TO CREW SCREAMING AS COMPUTER PANELS EXPLODE AND THE SHIP ROCKS]
[ULTRA WIDE SHOT AS THE FUSE REACHES ITS END WHILE THE SPHERE CONNECTS]

[CUT TO RUINED SHIP]
CAPTAIN [DEJECTED] : Looks like the rumours were false. The bomb didn't go off.

[CUT TO DRAK'S SHIP]
[CREW LOOKING CONFUSED]
OPS : W...we didn't explode into dark-tachyon particles?
DRAK : HA HA HA! The real bomb...Was me! Open a comm channel to the Borg queen.
[DRAK CALMLY SLIDES ON MINIATURE BAT'LETH KNUCKLE DUSTERS]
DRAK [POINTS DRAMATICALLY AT BORG QUEEN] : My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; Look on my works,
ye mighty, and DRAKSPAIR !

[DRAK LAUNCHES HIMSELF INTO THE VIEWSCREEN AND THROUGH THE BORG SHIP]
[ECU OF BORG QUEEN'S FACE AS DRAK'S SLOW MOTION BAT'LETH FISTS CONNECT]
[UWS OF BATTLEFIELD. AUDIO GOES SILENT FOR A MOMENT, BEFORE A SPECTACULAR EXPLOSION FILLS
THE SCREEN]

[DUST SETTLES, REVEALING THE ENTIRE BORG FLEET IN TATTERS]
[SHOTS OF FEDERATION CREWS CHEERING]
[DRAK STANDS ALONE, ON THE OUTER HULL OF THE SPHERE, LIKE A BADASS]
DRAK : All in a day's Drak.
[CUT TO CREDITS - AC/DC'S BACK IN DRAK PLAYS]

--- POST CREDIT STINGER ---
DRAK [SMILES AND CRACKS HIS NECK]: Computer, End program
[Holodeck shimmers and turns off, Drak walks off Whistling eye of the Tiger]