Thomas Edison's Terrifying Inventions

Thomas Edison's inventions may have been a bit much for the people of his time.

## Transcript

**Host**: Welcome to the 1893 World's Fair. Our first presentation is from the Wizard of Menlo Park, Mr. Thomas Edison, who will be demonstrating some new inventions.

**Edison**: Thank you, thank you. Now for my first invention, I present for you all... the phonograph! Took thousands of hours for me to perfect, a scientific marvel that can record the sound of someone's voice.

**Reginald**: It's magical, it can change the entire world as we know it.

**Edison**: Yes, that is the phonograph.

**Reginald**: No, no, no. That marvelous slinking spring apparatus.

**Edison**: That? It's just a spare coil I had in my bag.

**Reginald**: Shh, shh, its weight seems to slink from hand to hand. What do you call it?

**Edison**: It's not anything, I don't call it anything.

**Reginald**: I would call it a slinky.

**Margaret**: Oh!

**Reginald**: I bet it can even go downstairs, oh!

**April**: Alone, or in pairs!

**Edison**: Let's focus, please, please! Sir, may I have you speak here & your voice will be recorded.

**Reginald**: Is it quite safe?

**Edison**: You have nothing to fear.

**Reginald**: Hello? My name is Reginald & I am speaking to you now.

**Edison**: Now, to reproduce the tonal frequency of this man's voice.

**Phonograph (w/ Reginald's voice)**: *Hello? My name is Reginald & I am speaking to you now.*

**Margaret**: Witchcraft!

**Edison**: Wait, what?

**Reginald**: What dark magic have you called down upon us?

**Garet**: Your phonograph is no slinky, sir!

**All**: Slinky, slinky, slinky!

**Edison**: How about I show you my next invention?

**Reginald**: Oh, okay.

**Edison**: This... is the lightbulb. Using electricity I can create a light brighter than any candle. Now, who of you would like to be illuminated?

**Garet**: Oh, please show us, Mr. Edison.

**Margaret**: Yes, my husband & I would like to be illuminated.

**Edison**: Dim the gas lamps, please.
​​
**Garet**: Oh! Margaret! You look absolutely heinous in this light.

​​**Margaret/Dalton**: Turn it off!

**Edison**: But I just--

​​**Margaret/Dalton**: I don't want to be illuminated! Turn it off!

**Garet**: Do it, do it. ​​

**April**: The Wizard of Menlo Park has released his evil magic upon us once again.

**Edison**: I'm not really a wizard, it's just an expression. It's science!

**April**: I don't know what that means so I hate & fear it!

**Reginald**: Give us more slinkies!

**Edison**: Slinky's not a thing!

**Reginald**: Yes it is a thing, it's a spring. A spring, a marvelous thing.

**All**: Slinky, slinky, slinky, slinky, slinky!

**Edison**: Everybody, calm down! Sit down. This next one is my greatest invention yet, it is very entertaining. Really lady? I haven't done anything yet.

**April**: I am sorry, I spoke too soon.

**Edison**: I give you... motion pictures. I place images on celluloid, & when I put them in sequence it creates the illusion of movement. Observe...

**Margaret**: The train is coming right towards us!

**Garet**: Ah, this way to safety!

**Margaret**: He had the slinky!

**Edison**: Sweet Sally May, we're on the third floor! What's wrong with you people?

**April**: What's wrong with us?

**Margaret**: Yes, you're the one hurling trains at people!

**April**: What's a train?

**Margaret**: We want nothing to do with your picture box, Mr. Edison, get out!

**Edison**: All right, fine. I'll leave, you people clearly can't understand my genius.

**Reginald**: Wait, what's that you have there?

**Edison**: What, that? It's just a child's toy I made, a birthday gift for my nephew.

**Margaret**: What... what does it do?

**April**: Oh, please don't tell me another train comes out of it.

**Edison**: No, there's no train, I'll show you.

**Singing Fish**: *Camptown races sing this song, doo dah, doo dah. Camptown racetrack five miles long, oh doo doo doo dah day, hey.*

**Reginald**: It's beautiful.

**Margaret**: A true masterpiece of the modern age!

**Announcer**: You genius, you've done it!

**April**: Huzzah for Thomas Edison & his singing devil fish & slinky!

**Reginald**: Again!

**Singing Fish**: *Camptown races sing this song...*

**All**: *Doo dah, doo dah. Camptown race sing this song, oh, doo-dah day.*