DPDA Case No. 2

The second case of the DPDA took place on the 12th of December 1988, and was the first case to have a case report, written by Benjamin Sellars. The Case Report is as following:

## Prime Time

### Performers

Denzel PepperBenjamin Sellars

Cecil Longstaff

## Introduction

At 8:35 AM on the 12th of December 1988, the DPDA Office in Camden Town received a phone call from Dr. James ''Cookie'' Cooke. Cooke will be referred to as Cookie from hereon out. Cookie is a theoretical physicist who resides on Camden Street near the DPDA Office. Cookie reported that his research formula for the invention of a Time Machine was stolen. It seemed to us that Cookie sincerely believed that he had successfully invented a Time Machine, however due to the existence of Science, he most likely didn't.

Mr. Denzel Michael Pepper (who will referred to as Mr. Pepper from hereon out) was also convinced that Cookie invented the Time Machine. Mr. Pepper told Mr. Longstaff ''This geez looks well smart, innit? I reckon he actually done it.'' It seems to me (Benjamin Sellars) that Cookie is deluded, and likely clinically insane. Mr. Pepper questioned Cookie on how it was stolen. Cookie claimed that four muscular men broke into his office, punched him, and took all his findings (and 23 Great British Pounds.) Mr. Pepper seemed to take an instant liking to Cookie, and wanted to jump directly into action. We began making plans about one hour later.

## Research

Mr. Longstaff was placed in charge of researching Cookie. It has been found out that Cookie had a history of being involved in gangs in the 1960s (when he was still a teenager.) Mr. Longstaff believed that it could be one of these gangs, however that idea was quickly rejected due to the fact that these gangs would have no way of knowing that he is currently a Theoretical Physicist. Mr. Pepper went to Cookie's estate in Central London to have a conversation with Cookie about his experience. Mr. Pepper found out that Cookie had given his office keys to 3 other people. His mother, his close friend, Mr. George Smeaton, and his assistant, Mr. Swindon.

When Mr. Pepper arrived back to the DPDA Office, at 10:12 AM, and reported his findings to us. Mr. Longstaff was put in charge of visiting Mr. George Smeaton, Mr. Pepper put himself in charge of visiting his mother, and I was put in charge of visiting Mr. Swindon. I shall begin with my perspective.

## Findings

I arrived at Mr. Swindon's house at 10:54 AM. The house was located in the London borough of Vauxhall. His house looked shit. My single room apartment is better. I knocked on his door, and his wife answered. I told her to ''Fuck off, and let me talk to Mr. Albert Swindon.'' She told me that she ''Will not be talked to like that in my own house.'' I pushed her aside, and she began calling the police. I showed her my DPDA badge, and she put the phone down due to her believing I was with New Scotland Yard. Mr. Swindon was in the living room watching a re-run of Bergerac on his television. I shot the Television with my hand-pistol to get his attention. I grabbed him by his cardigan lapel and told him that if he does not tell me whether he stole Cookie's research, I would ''Lock him up in my fucking basement, slit your throat and bite your eyes out.'' Mr. Swindon was cowering, and had a heart attack. I raided his house and searched for any information. At 11:24 AM I concluded that Mr. Swindon was not the perpetrator of the crime.

The following paragraph is from Mr. Pepper's perspective. I transcribed what Mr. Pepper said when asking him what happened.

Right so, I got in me car and I drove up to Hackney, cos his Ma lives in Hackney. I were a bit displeased, cos it's Hackney, innit? So I got there yeah, I knocked on her door, she came out, and she looked a bit like me old nanny, Laura-Jean, but she weren't. And so you know, I sort of asked her to come in and she allowed me. I had a conversation with her in her living room about her life, got a bit drunk, went out to a karaoke bar with her, and got ourselves involved in a stag-do. It were fucking mental. As soon as I saw her, I knew she didn't steal his research.

The following paragraph is from Mr. Longstaff's perspective. I transcribed what Mr. Longstaff said when asking him what happened.

Oh, it was MAAAAAAAD. I went to this guy's crib, and it was WICKED! I climbed in through his loo window, opened the loo door, and went out into his hallway. His hallway was maaaad. It had like gold highlights and stuff like that - Yeah? And I heard people talking. I heard this Smeaton man saying ''He won't be getting in our way anymore.'' I thought ''what the FUCK is this geezer saying!'' And then I realised he was on about Cookie! I was maad. I took out mah flask o' rum, drank it all up, then I called the Office, you responded (Referring to me.) and I told you what happened, and you and Denzy came into the house through the window as well. I did a frontflip into the living room, and got into mah fighting position. Denzel ran in and dropkicked one of the people there - It was a 6 year old girl. And then you just sort of walked in with your little notepad and hid into the corner. These two muscular geezers ran at me, so I bit ones face, and stabbed the other's ear with my pocket-knife. I looked over and Denzy was going maaad. He was doing his Disco Dance routine, but he turned it into a lethal combat. He was doing spins, kicks, jumps, all sorts of stuff. Denzy grabbed Smeaton's neck and bit it (Denzel claims this was a callback to his goth days, where he would bite the townies who hassled him.) I downed all them donnies, and saw the time machine plans on the table, so I took them, ran to me 1983 Dodge Caravan and put them in the back.

I shall switch back to my perspective now.

After Mr. Longstaff ran outside, Mr. Pepper gave his first speech. It was as following:

''You slimy little runt. You're trying to steal this noble man's plans for a time machine - A fucking time machine! Once he invents this, it'll bring the whole- the Whole entire fucking world together like the fucking moon landing. Cookie is a fucking god of a man, a fucking Olympian. You are SCUM sir. And not truly human scum at that.''

We took the perpetrators to the police, and returned the research to Cookie. Report written 15/12/1988.

## Aftermath

Cookie completed his time machine in February 1989, and we were all invited to the premiere of the time machine, along with some other reporters and his mum, who Mr. Pepper talked to through the entire thing. The Time Machine obviously did not work, which made Mr. Pepper break down into tears. It turns out that we were right, and Cookie was in fact a silly twat.

Aftermath written 23/03/1989.