Fake TPOT 48: Soon As We May/part 5

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"**Soon As We May**" is the non-canon forty-eighth episode and the season finale of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 10 January 1990. Since the second to fifth episodes of *Real TPOT* have already been released in the real world, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

Author's note (27 June 2023): This is a bit random but the newest episode of SpongeBob, the Arbor Day special, has a bunch of talking trees in it, one of whom sounds just like Fries. Naturally the first thing I thought about was Tree.

## Flashback (cont'd), *17 December 1971*

### **Interplanetary Travel Office**

**Scene**Three days later. **Two** is still in the Interrogation Room, surrounded by a pile of scraps from the food they were eating at the time. They look very tired, but they still have a determined look on their face. Y is absent, having probably gone home for a well-deserved rest.
* **Two**: I am *so* tired.

**Ice Cube**: Oh! Oh! I remember that!
[*Return to present.*]

**Two**: You do, Icy-who-suddenly-talks-a-lot?
**Ice Cube**: It was in all the papers! The '71–72 EP Insomnia Epidemic: "Who will win? Certainly not Algebralien society".
**Four**: It actually caused homework completion at the Equation Playground School to drop by half.
**Two**: See, I was tired!
**Seven**: But what does that have to do with what we're charging you for?
**Two**: You see, I remember being so extremely tired that I felt like I couldn't do anything for the rest of the day. I'd just finished answering all the questions, and then this young intern walked into the room and put on a strip of film.
[*Fade to past. We see* **Ten**, *wearing a vest (as was popular at the time) and dragging a film projector and record player into the room. They look at* **Two**, *who looks more than a bit tired at this point.*]

* **Ten**: Here you go, Two. All you have to do is watch this filmstrip and you're set.
* **Two**: And then I can go to Earth?
* **Ten**: If your application is accepted based on the answers you gave.
* **Two**: You're smart, I think. Can you cheat the system for me?
* **Ten**: I can't go against protocol; I'll lose my dream job!
* **Two**: It's your dream job to work in a shoddy place like this?
* **Ten**: Well, yeah. Not all of us want to be TV hosts, you know.

[*Exit* **Ten**. *Two is about to close their eyes when the film starts to roll and the soundtrack begins; and suddenly the image of* **Negative Two** *appears on the wall, looking like Two but with the colours inverted. This character speaks with the same voice as Two, but somehow that has been inverted as well.*]

* **Negative Two**: [*on the screen*] Greetings, Algebralien! You are just about to pass your Tossers' Visa interview. How do you feel? Happy? Glad? Thrilled?
* **Two**: Knackered...
* **Negative Two**: Well, have no fear, for I, Negative Two, am here to tell you what you must do... before you go.

[*Two immediately perks up upon hearing the name Negative Two.*]

* **Two**: Negative Two... is that you?
* **Negative Two**: The first thing to remember is that any Algebralien who intends to stay on Earth must...

[*Negative Two's voice fades out as Two stares at the screen.*]

**Two**: I wasn't listening at all to what they—or *yeth*—was saying through the screen. I was practically hypnotized!
**Donut**: Was this because you were up for four days straight and couldn't sleep?
**Two**: Well, no.
[*Return to present.*]

**Two**: Before I came to Earth, I had this sort of fascination with this number, Negative Two. I mean, I'd only heard good things about them... or meth, as yeth liked to be called. Yeth seemed like the kind of celebrity I so longed to be in my own budding career!
**X**: Smells like jealousy again!
**Two**: Anyway...
[*Return to past.*]

**Two**: I must have stared at the screen for minutes on end and didn't learn a thing!
**Four**: Are you making excuses again? Because no one has time for excuses.
**Two**: Maybe.
* **Negative Two**: ...029102910291 repeating years, and if you don't return before the time is up, we shall come and retrieve you; and everything for which you have worked will disappear faster than a star that has gone supernova. I shall give you four (that's two to the power of two) seconds for you to process this information so that you can keep it in mind.
* **Two**: *The power of two*? That sounds like a good name for a... show.

[*Two closes their eyes and falls asleep, immediately breaking into a snore.*]

#### Waiting room

[*Cameo view of the front of the building, showing* **Three** *is seen in conversation with* **Eight**. *Sat on the bench closest to the door are* **One** *and one of the* **Zeros**. *They all look up from whatever they're doing when they hear Two snoring.*]

* **Eight**: Whoever's in there, are they okay?
* **Three**: What do you think?
* **Eight**: Hmm... there's no crime against snoring.

#### Interrogation Room

**Two**: Eventually I did wake up.
[*Return to past. A key—a bit too big to fit through most doors—pops out of the film projector and hits Two in the face, waking them up. They look at it curiously as the filmstrip ends.*]

* **Two**: Eh, what's this? [*reads the Algebralien text*] "Visa"? That's terrific! Who cares about the terms and conditions when I can just go, go, go! [*Exit.*]

#### Waiting room

[**Two** *hurries out of the Interrogation Room and out of the Interplanetary Travel Office. They wave to Three, Eight, One and Zero as they rush out and begin to fly into the sky.*]

* **Two**: Catch you on the flip side, all!
* **Three**: There goes the most undeservingly ambitious creature ever to walk through these doors.
* **One**: You really think they'll be an Earthly success story like Four?
* **Eight**: Between you and me... I don't think so.
* **[** **One** · **Three** **]**: [*in agreement*] Mm.

[*Fade out, ending the flashback.*]

## Return to scene, *13 November 1989*

### **New Grassyland**

**Scene**Fade to present. By now, everyone is looking a little incredulous, almost all of them paying attention to **Two** as they finish their story. A hastily added thought bubble over Two's head shows old footage of their arrival on Earth in BFB 16, filmed a few days after their flashback on 20 December 1971. (This, strangely enough, is visible in-universe as well.)

Note that from here on, all flashback dialogue is written in indents rather than bullet points, in contrast to the scene before it.
* **Two**: And the rest, as you know, is history.

**Two**: Hi, guys!
[*Some of the others applaud.*]

* **X**: But Two! If that was all your flashback, then how did you know what the people in the waiting room were saying?
* **N****i****ne**: Right before you left to Planet Three-di-o.
* **Seven**: Your ears aren't that powerful, Two. This from someone with at least one of them.
* **Four**: That is not important, people! We want your key, Two.
* **Two**: Oh, my visa thing? Yeah, I kind of lost it on my way to Earth. I was going so fast, I could have given Comet Bennett a run for his money.
* **Four**: And that is why Equation Playgrounders still prefer to travel vi-a vehicle.
* **X**: Or *vee-a* vehicle!
* **Two**: I swear, the vee-a, er, visa key has been lost for several years. It's probably floating around in outer space somewhere. Maybe Cloudy's collected it, I don't know. But will this be bad? Is the rumour that our planet will blow up if there aren't enough keys in the Hini still a rumour, or what?

[*Four's face darkens.*]

* **Four**: So you heard. [*happy again*] But I'm glad to tell you that this hasn't been the case for a while now; as we can print keys out as soon as we suspect that the planet's about to implode.
* **G****at****y**: Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait. So if there's no key found within a certain amount of time, the Equation Playground could just... implode on itself?
* **Seven**: That was right.
* **Pill****ow**: I can make an entire solar system implode in the blink of an eye!
* **Four**: Let's just say that our home planet is extremely fragile and can be destroyed at the touch of a button from light years away. But that's not important, and I trust that it won't be important today.

[*Four winks at nobody in particular.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Wow, a planet as delicate as a bubble. Sounds like my sort of ploice!
* **Fl****ow****er**: You really should give it a try. I've been an EPer since Rag In became President, and I haven't regretted it since!
* **R****u****b****y**: I heard they even let women marry each other there!
* **Fl****ow****er**: Uh-huh! [*Aside.*] I am in no way affiliated with the Planetary Tourist Board of the Objective Republic.

[*Exit* **Flower**.]

* **Two**: Hey, since we're all talking about the benefits of the Equation Playground and not me, does that mean I'm off the hook?
* **Four**: Why should not being a topic of conversation get you off the hook? You're in big trouble, number. For staying on this planet beyond the 17.9102910291-year limit, for all those excuses for not knowing the rules, for telling that ridiculous story more or less proving your guilt, and for the fact you don't look good in celebratory garb.
* **Two**: I knew you'd say that.

[*Two turns around, evidently ready to accept their fate. They turn again, however, with a glimmer of hope.*]

* **Two**: But wait! Isn't there a way that I can escape my punishment and stay on Earth without the penalties for overstaying?

[*Four, X and Seven look at each other. It is safe to assume that Nine is too, but one cannot be too sure on account of their sunglasses.*]

* **Two**: [*Aside to Clock.*] I like where this is going.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, if anyone's going to get what they want, it's you.
* **B****o****k**: And the ones who never got eliminated this season.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Hey, speaking of those... where are the finalists?
* **Winner**: Oh! Black Hole made it his mission to be at the Steakhouse.
* **P****i****n**: And that's where Golf Ball is with her so-called victory entourage.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: I don't know why she has to make a thing out of everything.

[*Four suddenly appears between them.*]

* **Four**: Then soon as we may, we will go to Roboty's Steakhouse!
* **R****o****b****oty**: Oh, it's not my steakhouse. I was never one to own a chain of businesses.
* **Four**: Really? I guess we've been off this planet for so long that we're starting to forget. Let me rephrase: *Away we go to 8-Ball's Steakhouse!*
* **9****-B****all**: Still wrong.
* **8****-****Ball**: Shh, heheh. Let him revel in my non-existent glory.

[*All start to make their way off the Fovitwe, going off in more or less the same direction.*]

* **Barf** **Bag**: [*Aside.*] Black Hole and Golf Ball: that's two finalists. What about the other one?
* **T****V**: I don't know.

#### Fovitwe Interim Car Park

[*As the scene goes on,* **Remote**, *who has become somewhat agitated, fends off a number of fans and background characters wielding microphones in an attempt to interview her.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Get away. Away with you, media dogs.
* **Man #7**: Is that all you've got?
* **Woman #5**: Miss Monteiro, why have you never used an exclamation point in your entire TV career? Are you abnormal?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No comment. Exclamation point.

[*Remote looks in the distance and sees* **Pencil** *parting with* **Bracelety**, *but she doesn't notice her.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Pencil. Pencil. Help.
* **Man #8**: What are your thoughts on Blocky's third divorce this decade?
* **Woman #6**: It's Black Hole she's mad at, you moron; not Blocky.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*Aside.*] I've got an idea. [*Aloud.*] There's a new rumour that Tom Cruiseship is pregnant.

[*At the sound of this fake hot new item of celebrity gossip, Remote is suddenly thrown out of the crowd, as is typical of old news; and she lands sensibly at Pencil's feet.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Hullo.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh, you've got to help me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: It ain't that bad. Being mobbed by fans must be the highlight of any ex-con's career. /s
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Well, it's making me very nervous.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You've never seemed nervous before.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Guess it's another part of my, um, my upgrade. My emotions have been etherealized.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I see.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: If I was like I used to be, I could have easily told those crazed fans where I was on the day *Short Circuit 2* was released, but suddenly I feel I don't need to.
* **P****e****nci****l**: As I tell my little ones, you've got to explain yourself better. Tell me how you're feeling this very moment.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But I can't. It's hard to put into words. Mostly fear, I guess, mixed with a general state of dread. I must have felt like this since the Black Hole—
* **[** **R****e****m****ot****e** · **P****e****nci****l** **]**: Incident.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah, that's it. But it's only gotten worse ever since I saw Bottle die in front of me. I didn't think it would be bad enough to give me the button vapours, but... ha. Here we are.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right, 'cos you're into death prevention and all that.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What am I going to do? Why am I starting to feel that Black Hole isn't the cause of all the issues?

[*Pause, as Remote sees Pencil staring off into the distance.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What are you looking at?
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's nothing, really. Just saw something that could take me somewhere.

[*She points at Two's limousine in the distance.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You want to get out of this mess too. There's a steakhouse calling your name.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye. I just want to see my kids, you know? Not to mention the fact that it's well past my mealtime. And the fact that I *want* to make things right with Pen...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*Aside.*] Make things right...
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm only cross with him because of how quickly he left for his "dinner and a show" engagement there without even thinking about me. Now, I've no time to waste, Remote; I've got to go! [*going*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But Pencil, aren't you worried what people will say?
* **P****e****nci****l**: What, that a woman's driving a limousine with nobody else in it? I've been perceived as far bloody worse; I'm Pencil, damn it!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I meant about me.

[*Pencil stops herself and clears her throat.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Sorry. [*pats her on the head*] Good luck, mate.

[*Exit* **Pencil**, *leaving Remote alone. At the same time,* **Bubble** *appears with* **Bok**, **Ice Cube** *and* **Ruby**.]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Remote, Remote!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Bubble, Bubble.
* **Ice Cube**: Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!
* **R****u****b****y**: *See No Evil, Hear No Evil*!

[*Everyone looks at each other.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Wa- was that Pencil driving off in that limousine?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes, it was.
* **B****o****k**: She's always had a way with automobiles.
* **R****u****b****y**: Oh yeah! Remember BFDIA 5?

[*Remote sits down.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Why'd you ask if Pencil was driving away?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Because we *have* to follow her. We have to! [*about to weep*] It's necessary.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Well, are any of you hungry?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Noio, to be completely honest, I just want to make things right with her.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*Aside.*] Make things right again...
* **R****u****b****y**: Well, I'm hungry!
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Yeah, then we can eat.
* **Ice Cube**: But how do we get to the Steakhouse? I don't want to take the shortcut through the Alternate Forest like the others.
* **B****o****k**: Oh, that's right; you're a freethinker now.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I have an idea. Everyone, make a chain with your arms.
* **Ice Cube**: [*raises a leg*] And legs?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes, can't forget the legs.
* **B****o****k**: So... what do we—

[*Remote suddenly grabs Bubble's arm and begins to prepare herself, rather non-automatedly, to run at a very high speed (whereas in the past she wouldn't have needed to do that).*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hold on tight.
* **B****o****k**: I didn't know you could still—

[*Exeunt omnes, as* **Remote** *runs off, her hand connected to* **Bubble***'s, whose other hand is connected to* **Bok***'s, whose other hand is connected to* **Ruby***'s, whose other hand is connected to one of* **Ice Cube***'s legs.*]

* **B****o****k**: ***DO*** ***THAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!***

[*They disappear from the set.*]

### **Alternative Forest**

**Scene**Most of those who appeared on the main set (a large wandering group, including people like the Algebraliens of this scene, *i.e.* **Two**, **Four**, **X**, **Seven** and **Nine**; and the ex-contestants and the relations who accompany them, *i.e.* **Aresko**, **Barf Bag**, **Burnie**, **Bell**, **Bomby**, **Cake**, **Clock**, **Coiny**, **Donut**, **Suzie**, **Eggy**, **Foldy**, **Fries**, **Liliane**, **Angelique**, **Bintje**, **Cherisse** (the last three are Fries' children), **Gaty**, **Naily**, **Needle**, **Nickel**, **Nonexisty**, **Pie**, **Pin**, **Price Tag**, **Robot Flower**, **Saw**, **Snowball**, **TV**, **Winner**, **8-Ball**, **9-Ball**, **Stapy**,
**Firey**, **Leafy**, **Firey Jr.**, **Lollipop** and **Loser**) have left the Fovitwe area in order to make a detour to go to Gelatin's Steakhouse.

At the moment they pass through the Alternative Forest, a fairly realistic-looking, never-before-seen area surrounding some parts of the Fovitwe, similar to the Evil Forest from BFDIA—except it's not nearly as scary. This is despite the fact that they are travelling through it as the night begins.

The scene begins with Two and Four continuing their conversation about possible "workarounds".
* **Two**: You mean I can't use my connections with Negative Two to get out of this mess?
* **Seven**: Not if they're as existent as Nonexisty.
* **Nonexisty**: I beg to differ, honey.
* **Two**: But what if, say, I knew meth in a dream or something?
* **B****u****r****n****i****e**: Then that would explain a lot about your season, Two.
* **Barf** **Bag**: [*trying not to laugh*] No, no, no, you see, dear, Two used to be a real big fan of this number called Negative Two whose *pronoms personnels* are yeth and meth when they were studying for their exam and watching their Tossers' Multi-Entry Visa terms and conditions before arriving on this spherical body that they and yeth presumably call *Itchissoucacou*, at least when *Carcass Elbe-y, M.D.* was still on the airwaves.

[*Burnie looks confused and turns to Aresko.*]

* **B****u****r****n****i****e**: We missed an important plot point, didn't we?
* **Ar****esko**: Yearp.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **Four**: Again, Two, letting you stay on Earth because of a connection you clearly don't have might have worked before the Revolution, but it's a new era now.
* **X**: And we cannot allow for any exceptions!

[*Pause.*]

* **Four**: Like what I did there? X wrote that part himself because he knew you were going to say something like that, and I even let him say it.
* **N****i****ne**: Wow, X is supercalifragilisticexpialidociously knubowlubedgeubablube!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: It *is* almost the '90s. Not exactly a good time for spiritual nepotism, Two.
* **Need****le**: I got out of the show before my sister got in and I turned out fine!

[*Silence.*]

* **Le****a****f****y**: Hey, uh, where exactly are we?
* **L****ose****r**: We are in the Alternative Forest.
* **N****a****ily**: Only a TPOT fan would phrase it like that. [*giggles*]
* **Winner**: You know, we've been living on and off the Fove for years now and none of us seem to have cared enough to notice this place.
* **Two**: That's nonsense, of course you have!
* **Co****i****ny**: But we never went in this direction! We're very much city people.
* **Fi****r****ey**: Weren't you born in a *hl*og cabin?
* **Co****i****ny**: I left it, didn't I?
* **Two**: So, Four.
* **Four**: So, Two...

[*Pause.*]

* **Seven**: [*quietly*] Awkward siii-lence.
* **X**: Yeah!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Ehm, I think this is Two and Four's cue for us to leave. They probably want to talk in private.
* **Pill****ow**: This mean we can't eavesdrop?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I'm afraid not. ***LES EX-CONCURRENTS, EN AVANT!***

[*Exeunt omnes, marching. Manent* **Algebraliens**.]

* **Four**: They're a clever bunch, aren't they?
* **Two**: Yes, very clever. Much of their adult lives have been spent under my hostnumbership.
* **Four**: It seems they've become much smarter since they came under your— [*trying not to hurl*] that.
* **Two**: What do you mean?

[*Four sighs and turns away, muttering something under his breath so soft that, even with the television on full volume, it would be inaudible, lost amidst the rustling of the trees, the sounds of the wildlife and the rhythmic clasping of Algebralien hands.*]

* **Two**: What did you say, Four? I couldn't hear you over the noise.
* **Four**: Noise pollution's more like it!

[*Four turns to X, Seven and Nine, who play a familiar clapping game, using their membranes instead of cups.*]

* **X**: Oh, sorry! We were having fun.
* **Four**: I think it would be best if Two and I had a chat alone.
* **N****i****ne**: Right-o! Race you to-to-to the meathouse!
* **Seven**: You're on!

[**Nine** *and* **Seven** *race from the Alternative Forest and join the crowd, mostly off-screen.*]

* **X**: Are you sure you're going to be okay alone with them, Four?
* **Four**: I'm sure. Now, run along, you little Exie-pooh-bear.
* **X**: Okay!

[**X** *runs after Nine and Seven, humming the Season 11 theme song while doing cartwheels.*]

* **Four**: That's my co-host.
* **Two**: Wait, what was that you called him? Exie-pooh-b—
* **Four**: [*during the last line, his eyes widening; speaking sternly*] Don't ask again.
* **Two**: May I still ask how I'd be allowed to stay on Earth?
* **Four**: Of course you may! But I must warn you, and I must warn you good: this involves your cast. Your cast of former contestants from what used to be *my* show. It's going to need their approval—every single one of them. That's a word you should have learned before skeeving off in school: *approval*.

[*Two nods slowly.*]

* **Two**: Alright. Approval. [*Beat.*] And it's *skiving*, not "skeeving".

### **TwoOOOOOO Expressway**

**Scene**Two-second view of a map of the land, with everyone's current position represented by rudimentary icons. Zoom in on the fastest moving icons, which resemble a queue of closely following squares, with a highlighted "finalist" square at the front leading the group. The icons are on the TwoOOOOOO Expressway, the road connecting the Fovitwe to the Nairobi city limits, with Gelatin's Steakhouse on its south-western border. This is a road rarely travelled by the show's contestants and has probably never been seen before in the series.

Fade to the reality of the moment: the icons are revealed to be **Remote**, who is still in motion and functioning as a leader of a chain consisting of herself, **Bubble**, **Bok**, **Ruby** and **Ice Cube**. They are *actually* travelling on the Expressway at the same time as the cars and Two's limousine, still driven by **Pencil** (who does not notice them and is driving directly in front of the chain).
* **[** **B****u****b****b****l****e**, **B****o****k**, **Ice Cube** · **R****u****b****y** **]**: **[** Aaaaaaaah! · Wheeeeeeee! **]**
* **Ice Cube**: There she is!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hold on again, people.

[*Remote begins to move faster, her legs beginning to glow with the fire of movement.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: I don't think this is very safe. There's a sharp turn ahead!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You're right. [*continues*]
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: [*to the others*] And a sharp turn means I might doy!

[*Bok and Ruby gasp.*]

* **B****o****k**: Not death!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What are y'all talking about back there? Believe it or not, I can't hear half of what's behind me.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: *Let it be known!* Let it be known... [*catching herself*] I have not doid since 1972. I've become much more into the whole life awareness thing since I realized that there's no more ways to recover me.

[*Remote stops in the middle of the expressway at once. The others let go.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What. Bubble, why didn't you tell me this? Now we have no choice but to walk the whole way there, for the sake of preventing your death.
* **R****u****b****y**: Oo-wee, Remote, your upgrade has made you really security-conscious! I like that.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: If only I had that kind of attitude back in my Death PACT days, huh?
* **B****o****k**: If only...
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: If only...
* **Ice Cube**: Yeah. If only... if only we weren't playing in traffic!

[*Sound of a car horn.*]

* **R****u****b****y**: *Ruuuuuuun!*

[*Remote moves everyone out of the way. They all fall onto the grass surrounding the expressway.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ow.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: I'm okay... alive. Thank you, Remote, you saved my life.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And I prevented your death. Everybody else good?
* **B****o****k**: I think so, thanks. Ruby's fine.
* **R****u****b****y**: [*upside down*] I'm here!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh, good. We cool.
* **Ice Cube**: But who did Remote just bump into?

[*Remote turns around to find that she has just bumped into* **Liy**, *who is now lying face down on the ground.*]

* **R****u****b****y**: This isn't a good time to say we'll be late for dinner, is it?

## Climax and resolutions

### **Alternative Forest (The First Resolution)**

**Scene****Two** and **Four** walk in silence, and they have been doing so for some time.
* **Two**: What were you saying earlier?
* **Four**: Thank goodness you spoke, I was getting lost in my thoughts.
* **Two**: You were whispering something to yourself the last time we spoke. Something about jealousy.
* **Four**: Yes.
* **Two**: You still think I'm jealous of you?
* **Four**: For the record, X said that. I didn't. I can't.

[*Four turns around and back again.*]

* **Four**: Because, to be honest, *I'm* a little jealous of you. You stole my contestants from me when you landed on Earth. Sure, they joined your show of their own free will, but still. And to watch your show take off, especially after that terrible first act—
* **Two**: It was experimental, but carry on.
* **Four**: I just felt a tiny bit jealous. I couldn't help but feel like I was falling short in comparison. TPOT is even better than BFB, maybe even objectively.

[*Two stands, shocked.*]

* **Four**: Yes, I said it.
* **Two**: But my show, better than yours? Ha! If it wasn't for BFB, TPOT wouldn't be as popular as it is!
* **Four**: There you go, bragging about popularity. BFB had a bigger audience. In percentage, not raw numbers.
* **Two**: Mm-hmm. You're right. But that doesn't mean that TPOT's superior! I mean... BFB had what the objects call soul. Every episode. Sure, we got the ratings, but you got the viewers to really connect with your contestants more than mine did. Especially 'cos you got all the fan favourites. Why, to think that *Telly Guide* said *we'd* have the more serious season than you, when it didn't turn out that way except for a few moments! I got a bunch of impulsive people who didn't fully respect me until, like, our sixth year on the air. There's nothing serious about a show where nobody cares about what they're competing for.
* **Four**: I don't know that feeling. [*imitates his ex-contestants gushing over the BFB prize*]
* **Two**: *Oh!* And not only that, but the fact that you managed all those challenges efficiently and within, what, a few months?
* **Four**: We didn't take a break after you came, you know. We went on, uninterrupted, right to the end.
* **Two**: I knew that. You made thirty episodes in a few years! [*quite ashamed*] My thirtieth came out after a decade. I was wasting my time, I was wasting my contestants' time, and most of all I was wasting my time.

[*Two sits down on a rock.*]

* **Two**: Maybe I'd have a purpose on this planet other than being a host of a show that's far from perfect. I could have come to this planet for recreation, formed a co-hosting relationship with Five earlier. [*trailing off*] And maybe he wouldn't have taken that job of designing publicity for the Marquesas Rent-A-Plane-etarium...
* **Four**: What was that?
* **Two**: Nothing. I was just thinking out loud. It's a rather personal thing, really of no concern to you.
* **Four**: But you did manage to finish, unlike the other seasons. On our planet, this adds about four points to your goodness level.
* **Two**: You mean like BFDIA and Seasons 6 through 9?
* **Four**: Exactly. See? This should be your luck day! And there's no need to feel sorry for yourself, considering how... [*gulps*] tolerable your show is compared to mine.
* **Two**: Tolerable? Is that the best you could muster, Four? /j
* **Four**: Okay. It was fine. Fine as heck.
* **Two**: That's what I want to hear! [*shakes Four's hand*]
* **Four**: Okay, okay, we're equal now; no need for the touchy-touchy. I, Four, officially proclaim that the grudge, jealousy and malice between us are all over!

[*Four looks around.*]

* **Four**: I'm glad no one else is here to hear me say that.

[*Two springs up.*]

* **Two**: Well, I'm glad to hear you say that!
* **Four**: Although I am twice your value.
* **Two**: What was that?
* **Four**: Nothing.
* **Two**: So... are you still determined to get me off this planet like the EP Officer you've become?
* **Four**: Not so much. I'll admit that my long-standing rivalry with you is the main reason I wanted to get you into trouble with EP law. I wanted to see you fail. I wanted to see you unhappy. I wanted to see you suffer another stroke of misfortune.
* **Two**: Oh *chitchimomi*, that's dark.
* **Four**: I wasn't called "Evil Scary Four" in my emcee days for nothing. But now that our rivalry's not exactly a thing, well, I no longer feel like that.
* **Two**: So I can stay? Are we allies?
* **Four**: That depends... and yes.
* **Two**: Then we are allies!

[*The two of them start to walk out of the forest and Gelatin's Steakhouse comes into view. Four sighs, outwardly defeated and inwardly relieved.*]

* **Four**: Well, there's no point in arguing with that, especially with our destination ahead.
* **Two**: I agree.
* **Four**: This is your big chance. And look! I'm starting to see some of your contestants.
* **Two**: Correction. Some of my ***ex***-contestants.
* **Four**: Correction! Some of ***our*** ex-contestants.

[*Silence, as Two and Four smile at each other, and Four points at his back.*]

* **Four**: So you really want the crowd's approval to keep you a productive Earthling? This Steakhouse isn't a vacuum of idiocy, and it's not so far removed from everyday affairs either. I mean, it *was* founded by Gelatin.
* **Two**: Who?
* **Four**: Sit on me if you want to live.
* **Two**: Live?
* **Four**: Live. You know, without the shame of blowing the one chance I'm giving you.

[*Two shrugs and climbs Four's back, just as Five did in a previous episode.*]

* **Four**: And once we're inside, I'll tell you exactly what to do.
* **Two**: This is going to be so much fun!
* **Four**: Don't push it.

### **Roadside verge on the side of the TwoOOOOOO Expressway**

**Scene**The quintet of Steahouse-bound ex-cons (**Remote**, **Bok**, **Bubble**, **Ice Cube** and **Ruby**) are still sitting on the grass at the side of the TwoOOOOOO Expressway, with **Liy** present as well, still lying face down. Traffic sounds in the background.
* **B****o****k**: What do we do about her?
* **Ice Cube**: I don't know! Let's leave her.
* **B****o****k**: Yes, let's ***ABANDON*** her! [*Beat.*] I'm allowed to joke about that, you know.
* **R****u****b****y**: Or we can carry her to the Steakhouse. I'm sure there's a doctor eating dinner right now!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Maybe we should take full responsibility. She is a pactmate.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Is she, though?
* **R****u****b****y**: I don't know what *pact* means, but Bok! You're still a what-you-my-call-it, right?
* **B****o****k**: What, an *organisasjonskatalog*? Yeah, I am, but... I can't be bothered to open myself right now.
* **Ice Cube**: Oh, if only Liy were here!
* **B****o****k**: I miss that Swedish devil so.
* **Li****y**: *I am here, you know!*

[*Liy gets up from the ground, surprising everyone.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Whoa, Liy, you were awake the whole time?
* **Li****y**: No, I just decided to take a nap on the side of this busy road. /s [*sighs*] I was hitchhiking, trying to find a way out of here.
* **B****o****k**: Is it because you don't want to go back to prison?
* **Li****y**: Eh. I'd rather spend my last moments in the tropical air having as much fun as possible. I know it's very hedonistiska of me to say that, but... I like the freedom and the adventure lust.
* **B****o****k**: So you decided to stay out here a little while.
* **R****u****b****y**: Good idea, Liy!
* **Li****y**: But it's probably not in my best interests to prack on a taxi in the middle of the motorway at night. Besides, I've got a little pain in my side. [*points at her bottom-left corner*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Here, let me help you up.

[*As Remote helps Liy to her feet, she sees that Liy has accidentally bumped into* **Fanny** *as well.*]

* **Fan****ny**: Oi!
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Fanny! It's you!
* **Fan****ny**: Ar, it's me! [*scoffs*] But I'm not happy.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sorry for landing on you, Fanny.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate being landed on! I was trying to hail a buzz to the airport after I realized I wanted to go back home. Now, I don't suppose you're all off to the Steakhouse to watch Two's final pile of shite.
* **B****o****k**: Oh yes, we are!
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: It'll be fun!
* **R****u****b****y**: You should totally take part!
* **Ice Cube**: Or not. We don't really care, you know.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate being given a choice!

[*Fanny looks at Bubble again and speaks calmly for once.*]

* **Fan****ny**: Even you, Bubble?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Yeah! I'm about to beg for Pencil's forgiveness for treating me like trash back in BFB.
* **Fan****ny**: What?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Sorry, I meant to say that *she's* going to beg for *my* forgiveness. Yes, that's what I meant.
* **Fan****ny**: Of course, a simple dialogue wouldn't hurt; and it is a finale, always a good time to set things straight... Alright, I'll go.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I see everyone's in the mood to make peace with each other. Which reminds me: we've got a—
* **Fan****ny**: We know, Remote. We know.

[*All start walking in the direction of the Steakhouse.*]

* **B****o****k**: But it's no use! By the time we get there, the party's probably over, all because of where we are!
* **R****u****b****y**: Where are we?
* **B****o****k**: You know, on the side of the road where plants grow.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate plants! But I believe, I *believe* that's what's called a verge.
* **B****o****k**: You mean a *veikant*?
* **Li****y**: I thought it was a vägren.
* **Ice Cube**: I always called it a parkway.
* **Fan****ny**: No, a parkway's something different in Birmingham. Choo choo and all that.
* **R****u****b****y**: [*as in BFB*] Choo choo!

[*Ruby slaps Fanny to the ground.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: This is not the time to bring up terminology. Or vintage references. If we're going to get there on time, we'd better leave now before it's a matter of only telling our people *what* we want, rather than what and when.
* **R****u****b****y**: Or, as somebody said earlier, "Go, go, go!"
* **Li****y**: Can't you move at a supersonic speed, Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I would, but... [*gestures to Bubble and whispers*] Death.
* **Li****y**: Wow, that upgrade really made you more safety-conscious.
* **R****u****b****y**: Haha! I know, right?

[*Silence for a few seconds.*]

* **Li****y**: Well! The call to adventure awaits me, so I can get you all there quickly and safely.

[*Soni exspectati of agreement.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You really think you can get us there soon?
* **Li****y**: Watch me.

[*Exit* **Liy**. *The rest follow.*]

* **B****o****k**: [*off-screen*] She's breaking another law...

### **Gelatin's Steakhouse**

**Scene**The setting of the remainder of the episode.

The steakhouse building appeares to have been expanded, as it is much wider than in the previous scene in which it was shown: what was once a small eatery has been conveniently transformed into a very long dining room by the physics of variable buildings on which this series is based. This has been done to reflect the increased number of people in the building—seeing how many of the ex-contestants from the Alternative Forest scene have made it to the building with their relations, it is nearly a full house now—and we can see them all talking at once and eating in a typical busy restaurant setting (although some, like **Match**, are still waiting for their food).

View of the stage, where **Blocky** is impatiently tapping his fingers on the door to the dressing room to the Muzak playing in the background; while **Eraser** has a nap on a rotating bar stool.
#### Inside: Black Hole

* **Blocky**: Come on, Pen, why are you so late?
* **P****en**: [*behind the door*] I'm not late; it's only "O-E-8"!
* **Blocky**: That's 8:30, bro.
* **P****en**: Oh my gosh. Is my clock upside-down or what! Well, at least I was in here for a good reason. Who knew helping a fella out would be so much fun?
* **Blocky**: Open the door, man.

[*The door to the stage dressing room opens and out comes* **Pen**, *not in his show-costume. In fact, he is wearing only a bow tie. The dining audience hardly notice.*]

* **Blocky**: [*points*] Haha, look at 'im!

[*Pen looks out at the diners and smiles before tapping the microphone, the feedback echoing throughout the building. The unpleasant noise is enough to wake Eraser from his nap.*]

* **Eraser**: Holy crap!
* **P****en**: Uh, hi, gang. I am terribly sorry for being late, and you should know that I won't be singing anything just yet.

[*Soni exspectati of slight irritation.*]

* **Golf Ball**: We're annoyed, in case you couldn't tell!
* **Ma****r****ker**: We've seen less turtle-like service under the sewers of New York, am I right, people?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Yeah, *Onkel*!
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, this mean I can, like, have my food now? [*points at everyone else*] I've been waiting for, like, ever!
* **P****en**: Eyy, somebody give her some layered salad, eh? She's my sister, for Pete's sake! [*clears throat*] I mean... [*chuckles before becoming serious*] I don't think I should start this finale spectacular with a song, especially since I haven't brought out our guest of honour yet. Just want yous to know that I'm not a pro makeup artist. Just ask my daughters!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*gets up and turns around to face the diners*] It's true! Dad uses his features as a reference for ours, and I'm like, we don't *all* look just like him! Chh.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Yeah, like you're a prime example of that. /s
* **P****en**: But I did try my best, honest! And he did agree to it 'cause we're real close buddies like that.
* **R****h****oza**: [*Aside.*] This ought to be good. /s

[*Pen gestures towards the dressing room door.*]

* **P****en**: So if you're ready to go, champ, get out here and show the world your new self!
* **Black Hole**: [*behind the door*] Okay.

[**Black Hole** *floats out of the door in an even newer appearance. Not only does he still have his useless limbs and face, but he looks like as if he has been completely remodelled: this new version of Black Hole resembles a cross between Boy George from about four years ago and an eighteenth-century pageboy, while his face has been made up in the most glamorous styles of the time, not limited to (badly applied) multicoloured eyeliner, thick eyelashes and pink lipstick in a shape that barely matches the shape of the BFDI mouth. He also sports an absurdly teased blonde wig. Black Hole's new look is greeted with a mixture of gasps and silence, as well as the cessation of all activity, including the entrance of part of the group last seen wandering through the Alternative Forest—they all stop in silence as well. The only reaction that is not one of these is* **Lou***'s*: *he claps once before he figuratively sinks into his seat.*]

* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: [*trying to be conspicuous*] Ugh. Attention.

[*A few people in the restaurant applaud, but they are by no means the majority.* **Lightning** *raises his hand, still at the table closest to the stage.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Hey, Black Hole!
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Yes, Lightning?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: You look like the flag of Oklahoma after five minutes on the set of *Amadeus*!
* **Golf Ball**: You look like one of those female impersonators I've seen on the news bulletins!
* **Bracel****ety**: You look like Ice Cube!
* **T****r****e****e**: No, he doesn't.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Yeah, yeah, you're right. That was a little joke from the vexillologist in me. I'm sorry, Black Hole.

[*Pen figuratively shrinks to the stage, gracefully avoiding bumping into* *a stunned* **Profily** *and their drum kit, while Eraser rolls his eyes at his brother's shoddy renovation.*]

* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: But if you're happy with the way you look whilst we're not, why complain now?
* **Pill****ow**: Well, I think Black Hole's new look is rad!
* **T****r****e****e**: I do too. Maybe too formal, but when it comes to him, I don't think there's such a thing.
* **Pill****ow**: He could use a little more rouge, dontcha know?

[*Pillow picks up a ketchup bottle, ready to squeeze it towards the stage before Gregg gently lowers her arm. Silence.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*awkwardly clears throat*] It's quiet because we're still shocked!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Not that we don't like the way he looks, but...
* **Gra****ssy**: Green clothings like Grassy!
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: I... I think I'd rather go to my seat, if that's okay. Pen.
* **P****en**: Good idea! I'm going to do a little scale up here while you—
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: You're coming with me, Schreiber.
* **P****en**: Okay!

[*Black Hole floats down from the stage as Pen jumps off to the Death PACT Again table.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Let's hear it for my dad, folks!

[*Very light applause as the conversations return to their normal levels, as before Black Hole was revealed. Eraser goes back to sleep.*]

#### Car park: Four, Two and Pencil

[*At the car park of the restaurant, where some of the staff's cars are parked,* **Four** *and* **Two** *talk to each other; while the Muzak plays in a muffled way.*]

* **Two**: And you say any song?
* **Four**: Yep! After all, since our return, music has been one of our planet's greatest exports.
* **Two**: You're like the Jamaica of the Milky Way!
* **Four**: I wouldn't put it that way, but sure.
* **Two**: And what, pray tell, is stopping me from simply asking the crowd what they think ought to be my fate?
* **Four**: That won't do. It won't do at all! This measurement of like-and-or-respectable-ness has to come naturally. It's the only way I can tell if you're fit to stay on Earth and live with your past acts of forgetfulness and key-losing-ness unpunished!
* **Two**: Why say "like-and-or-respectable-ness" when "likeability and respectability" would have done?
* **Four**: I made it up. When you're in the esteemed position of Cooitpoarotep, you can do things like that without anyone looking at you funny.

[*Two looks away as Four raises his arms melodramatically, much to the consternation of a waiter who has just got out of his car.*]

* **Four**: What are you looking at?
* **Two**: I still don't understand why you're doing this, Four. Isn't it your job as Travel Officer to keep people you hate, er, in your hate?
* **Four**: Firstly, that's Fanny's job; and secondly, we're no longer enemies.
* **Two**: Oh. Right. I've forgotten.
* **Four**: So have I!
* **Two**: Twins!

[*A light in front of the two begins to glow brighter.*]

* **Four**: Well, actually, it'd be more like sextuplets. You know... four plus two, it equals—
* **Two**: ***YOINK, WATCH OUT!***

[*In a parallel to the previous scene with Remote and the girls, Four suddenly pushes Two out of the way as Two's limousine suddenly comes into the frame. It was never actually going to hit them, as the driver, who is of course* **Pencil**, *parks it in the space right next to them. Two and Four hug each other in fear.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: It equals six!
* **[** **Four** · **Two** **]**: What the **[** heck?! · *flibbertigibbet?!* **]**
* **P****e****nci****l**: How's that for parking, eh?
* **Two**: You scared us, Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sorry! I was sure you'd notice your own vehicle here. Lucky this place has got an extra wide parking space.
* **Four**: Stop talking! We're too stunned to reply!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I sort of have that effect on people, don't I? Don't matter if they're object or Algebralien, I'm a force to be reckoned with, a marvel of visual abomination that's enough to make even the strongest fall to their knees in terror.

[*She gets out of the car and starts walking around, towards the front entrance.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: But seriously, are you alright? Ne'er 'ave I e'er expected the two of you to start hugging. I thought you were enemies!
* **Two**: Not any more.
* **Four**: We're getting along pretty well!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*shrugs*] Meh.

[*Exit* **Pencil**.]

* **Four**: I don't think I'll ever forget this day. I almost got run over by one of my ex-contestants.
* **Two**: And one of mine, too!

#### Inside: Black Hole

[*At the Death PACT table, the new and (definitely not) improved* **Black Hole** *is discovered, concentrated in activity with—in clockwise order—***Tree**, **Lightning**, **Gregg**, **Pen**, **Mini Cyclone**, **Pherre** *and* **Pie** *(who, for some inexplicable reason, passes in and out of planes of existence). On the stage,* **Profily** *and* **Battery** *play a jazz song in the background, while* **Pillow** *and* **Blocky** *are deep in conversation. During this, Blocky actually gasps and goes up to a pearl prop to clutch it. At the next table,* **Match** *can be seen, eating her layered salad heartily (and in a most unladylike manner); while* **Pencil and Pen's children** *have pretty much finished their meals, with the exception of* **Ivor**, *who prefers to eat at a slower pace.*]

* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Are we ready?
* **P****en**: You bet!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: I'm game.
* **Pi****e**: [*spontaneously appearing*] As am I.
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: What exactly are we playing now?
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Truth or truth.
* **T****r****e****e**: Black Hole just wants to play a little game we made up for our pact.
* **Pherre**: This is *the* way we get our members to open up about any secrets they may have.

[*Pen raises his eyebrows at Black Hole and smiles knowingly.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Maybe it's the brows talking, but you seem to know something, Pen.

[**Pencil**, *who has been taking a leisurely stroll into the building, suddenly darts inside, rushes past the "maestro de" and immediately sits down next to Pen.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, d'ye know how long it's been since I heard somebody not in our family say that?
* **P****en**: Pencil! [*hugs her*]
* **Y****es****a**: [*from the other table*] Mother!

[*Pencil waves at her kids. Match is still too busy wolfing down her salad to be aware of her presence.*]

* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: Oh, Pencil, you're here.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*not in the least bit ecstatic*] Hooray.
* **P****en**: Hey, Penc! We're just playing a little game of truth or truth so Black Hole can open up.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: Your boyfriend did his... costume.

[*Pencil looks at Pen, and then at Black Hole. She does not flinch.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: *That's* Black Hole, mate? He looks more like a badly-lit jellyfish trying to get cast in *Duty Free*.
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Harsh.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm sorry, but I promised Remote I'd never stray from her stance on this; and my critiques for you will be in full force. [*claps once*] Now, let's play some bloody truth or truth so I can win this!
* **T****r****e****e**: Er, you don't win truth or truth. It's more of an exercise in calm, pleasant conversation.
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Yeah. But I suppose we'd better get this started before, you know... *she* arrives.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I don't like the way you said "she", Black Hole. With the way you look, it makes me think of an all-male production we once saw of *Lend Me a Tenor*.
* **P****en**: Aww, you don't want to play, babe?
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: [*Aside, to Lightning.*] Ha! "Babe".
* **P****e****nci****l**: Not any more. I feel a strong urge to go out and warn the arriving members of the sisterhood. [*looks at Black Hole*] They're not as aesthetically-minded as you make yourself out to be, bruv.

[*Exit* **Pencil**. *Pen shrugs and rests his arms on the table in excitement.*]

* **P****en**: Can I play first?
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Yeah, sure, go ahead. I need a little time to think.
* **P****en**: Yay! A'ight. Does anyone remember the "Dream Island Twist"?
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh yeah, wasn't that that awful pop song from, like, the '60s? They played it all over Tasmania for about a week until a certain Brit quartet turned up.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: I remember that! Johnny Biro and the Blue Caps, was it not?
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: It was! They were a grand showband. And they were Canadian, not American, weren't they?
* **P****en**: [*excited*] Mmhmm, you got it!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: And in retrospect, that Johnny sounded really familiar.
* **P****en**: Ding ding ding! He was familiar, in fact, 'cause he was me. Got the cardboard record, too! How's *that* for a secret? [*finger-guns*]
* **G****r****e****g****g**: I'm surprised you kept that from us.
* **T****r****e****e**: Thank you for sharing, Pen; it takes a big man to own up to something like that. /s
* **P****en**: Haha!
* **Pherre**: Ooh, I'll go next! I just thought of it.
* **Pi****e**: [*yawns*] Yeah, you go do that, sis.
* **Pherre**: I... share a birthday with a serial killer.

Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Notes

1. ↑ It is not known how many have stayed on the set, or how many decided to go home during the events of the previous scene.
2. ↑ I don't know much about Nine's slang, but I thought it would be just as anachronistic in 1989. Old Disney references and Ubbi Dubbi abound in their vocabulary!
3. ↑ This is all based on an argument I had with myself about the name of the term. Turns out I don't have it in my vocab—I've always called my local one "the thing".
4. ↑ The implication is that whatever Pillow is suggesting is too far out of line, even for him.

**Fake TPOT** [V]