The Coffee Code

The current incarnation of the Coffee Code was written by The Fox, current coffee god of ASMS.

##### Article 1

A bro will, under no circumstances drink his Farmers Union Iced Coffee through a straw.
For example, We can relate this to real world situations.
If you have a choice between the Californian blonde model and her 5 year old sister; you take the blonde. This is the same for the holes on a Farmers Union Iced Coffee carton. Drink from the main entrance, not it’s smaller ‘counterpart’

##### Article 2

Despite its availability a bro will never buy a 375 mL Farmers Union Iced Coffee
There is an order of preference for Farmers Union Iced Coffee sizes and types. If you are faced with the opportunity to buy a Farmers Union Iced Coffee from a supermarket a Bro must comply to this order of rank.

 600 mL

 1L/750mL Stubbie

 2L

 3L

 375 mL  Never buy this. If the store is sold out, find another store.

##### Article 3

When a Bro is drinking a Farmers Union Iced Coffee he will hold it with the Farmers Union Iced Coffee Grip (Also known as the Coffee Grip.)
This Grip is distinguished by the pinky of a Bro lining up with the line which graces the bottom of the carton.
The other 3 fingers and thumb hold the carton in a ‘raptor’ like grip.
File:CoffeeGrip.jpg

##### Article 4

A Bro will never, ever, ever, EVER buy any form of iced coffee that is not Farmers Union Iced Coffee.
But again there are boundaries with this rule. With what determines iced coffee status, or not.
Goldbourn Valley, No way.
Dare, No way.
Feel Good, No fucking way.
French Vanilla Cappuccino? Acceptable if you are homosexual, otherwise, NO.

##### Article 5

When a Bro drinks a Farmers Union Iced Coffee he must rate it according to the FUICERS (Farmers Union Iced Coffee Excellence Rating System.)
This ranges from 1 being Most non-excellent and non-bodacious and 5 being excellent and bodacious.
When rating a Farmers Union Iced Coffee you must first rate it accordingly but he may also remark upon certain factors of the Farmers Union Iced Coffee. These little aspect which play upon the spectrum of tastes are:

Milkyness

Chocolateyness

Wateryness

Coffeeness

##### Article 6

When a Bro who is part of a group purchases a Farmers Union Iced Coffee he is expected to allow any member of the group to sample his Farmers Union Iced Coffee at least once.
But those Bros who partake in the beverage must comply to the factor that there is normally very little Farmers Union Iced Coffee to be shared and must act accordingly. If those Bros drink more than their equal share¹, they owe the purchaser one full 600mL Farmers Union Iced Coffee.

¹ The amount of Farmers Union Iced Coffee that a bro must be allowed is judged by this formula.

s=(1/3 c)/b

The formula states that the amount of coffee s that is allowed to be enjoyed by his bros should be a third of the total amount of Farmers Union Iced Coffee divided by the number of bros in the group including the initial buyer. In the case of another Bro helping with payment of the iced coffee they must be accounted for by counting as two bro’s if they have contributed up to $1 (one third at current prices) or if they pay half of the total cost the Iced coffee must be split up via b^1+b^2+b^s

One third to Bro one. One third to Bro two and One third to the reminder of his Bros.

Corollary;
If a Bro has a coldsore he may not sip of the Farmers Union Iced Coffee

##### Article 7

A Bro will NEVER desecrate¹ a Farmers Union Iced Coffee carton upon completion of the beverage.

¹ Coffee related term meaning to disfigure or beat.
If this is necessary to put the carton in the recycling, too bad.

##### Article 8

A Farmers Union Iced Coffee must be shaken accordingly before being devoured.
There are three distinctive movements that are used when properly shaking a Farmers Union Iced Coffee.
These are the Shake, Spank and Wank.

File:CoffeeShake.jpg

##### Article 9

A Bro will never drink a Farmers Union Iced Coffee after brushing his teeth; that’s just bad taste.
The time a bro must wait before drinking a Farmers Union Iced Coffee is determined by a the strength of his toothpaste, b is the duration of brushing and c is the food eaten

The equation we follow is t=10(ab/c)

a Is judged out of 10 with one being no flavour and 10 being lingering strong.

b meaning the time in minutes spent brushing.

c meaning the assorted foods that have been eaten since.
 These are ranked by Drink = d = 2
 Snack = s= 3
 Meal = m= 4

##### Article 10

Coffee/The sexy times

This rule states that if you are given a choice of sex or a Farmers Union Iced Coffee you must always choose the Farmers Union Iced Coffee unless the sex would either score or include a Farmers Union Iced Coffee.

##### Article 11

Any Farmers Union Iced Coffee spilt on the ground must be licked at least once by the evil-doer.
This law must be upheld with the highest of passions.
Although, there are certain exceptances to this rule, If you spill a Farmers Union Iced Coffee onto, raw dirt, a rubbish bin or anything with fur.. or sparkles. Or anything that may lead to serious injury or death, such as a furless hyena or a power line.

##### Article 12

There is only one way to run whilst holding a Farmers Union Iced Coffee.
The Coffee Run is where a Bro will run with his Farmers Union Iced Coffee in his preferred hand (Embracing the Coffee Grip) and running with it outstretched and hailed towards the heavens.
Example.

##### Article 13

A Bro shall swindle his Farmers Union Iced Coffee every so often whilst drinking to maintain any desirable flavours
A swindle is a Farmers Union Iced Coffee related term that is resembles a micro-shake of a Farmers Union Iced Coffee . It is done by rotating the wrist in a small anti-clockwise circle.

##### Article 15

A Bro will always go ‘ahhh’ after taking a gulp of delicious, delicious Farmers Union Iced Coffee

##### Article 16

A Bro must place a Farmers Union Iced Coffee into a bin with either a ‘Coffee Swish’ or a gentle, caring placement.

A ‘Coffee Swish’ is where a Bro stands back and takes a basketballesque¹ shot at the entrance of a bin. A rebound is not necessary, but recommended. If a Bro misses his first shot he must take the Walk Of Shame to his carton and Reshoot until completion of the task.
When he gets his Farmers Union Iced Coffee in the bin he must make an eccentric ‘SWISH!’ like noise.
¹Basketballesque – A type of throw resembling the type of shot used to score in Basketball.
Note Basketball, Not netball. It has NOTHING to do with netball.