231: Kneel Down and Touch Mo!

## Summary

The party land inside what can only be described as a giant pot of gold where they are met by Farella, who seemingly now has them trapped. At first she seems to be innocently curious about them and the group humour her, but after a while it becomes apparent that she actually has far more murderous intentions. A fight ensues, and our heroes are beset by a huge golem made of gold coins, summoned by Farella.

## Synopsis

Raphina shouts *"Weeeee!"* and Will screams *"Nooooo!"* as the group slide down towards the black, circular hole at end of the rainbow. As the glittery substance inside the hole zooms up towards him, Will tries to cast *Fly* but isn't able to finish before he and the rest of the party land feet first inside what resembles a huge black container with curved walls. The space resembles a cauldron or pot, but much larger and is full of very large gold coins, similarly scaled up. The coins are imprinted with an imagine of a monkey. Will's not sure how to feel about all this giant gold (which is amazing!), given that he's also trapped (which is terrible). Raphina tries to lift one of the coins, and they're extremely heavy.

Farella's laugh echoes around the inside of this giant pot, and then she pops into view, dressed in her green suit, a jaunty look on our face. *"Welcome!"* she calls out. They ask her where they are and she says *"Let's call it my lair."* The group exchange nervous looks. Raphina asks if they're stuck here, so Farella tells her to look for a door, and evidently there isn't one. *"I guess then you're stuck"* she says. Looking up towards the sky, Will sees the rainbow above them and *Flies* up to escape, only to bang into it. Raphina suggests the joke's over now and asks what Farella wants with them. She says it's just fun. Gwen can't believe that only a week ago she was happily making candy and now... this.

Gwen asks Farella where she sleeps, but she says she's never slept, which the group finds intriguing since they've also stopped sleeping lately. Will points out that she hasn't been around that long, and Farella says she came into existence eight months ago. Raphina tries to find out exactly what type of creature Farella is, but she says she doesn't really know. She just "is" and doesn't know many other people.

Batthwack reminds them that Farella also doesn't eat. She says that's one of the reasons she wanted to bring them here. Will's keen to change the subject. Gwen suggests she eat more candy, but Farella explains that she doesn't want to eat the same things they do, because she's different from them. *"I mean, do you like to make trouble like I do? Are you as lucky as I am?"* she asks. *"I'm lucky!"* says Rapina. *"I'm trouble."* says Will. Farella says they all smell the same. *"Does it smell like lunch?"* asks Batthwack. *"That's what I'm trying to figure out."* replies Farella. *"I've never smelled anything quite like you. There's other creatures and things in these woods. And they smell like this world. But you all smell different."*

Batthwack suggests that trying to eat him wouldn't go so well; he once got stuck in the throat of a giant toad. Will reminds him that he also got eaten by a gelatinous cube. Farella asks Will how many throats he's got stuck in and Will says he's choked many people. The rest of the group all look at him and wonder what that's supposed to mean.

Will quickly changes the subject to ask what type of forest feature Farella is, but she denies having anything to do with the forest, saying that's just where she is. She asks what kind of creature Will is and he describes himself as a city creature. She asks Batthwack the same question, but he only says he's not a city creature. Will says Batthwack's a cliff creature. Batthwack says he gets along in forests. Farella asks Mo. He says *"Oh, I er... underground. But I also be in forest. I do hunt in forest. I like river."* Farella continues on, asking Gwen, but she's keen to be clear that she identifies as a strong female dragonborn rather than a creature. Farella wants to know what kinds of environment she's from, and Gwen says she's celestial, but dwells here on the ground. *"I'm just trying to learn all about you's weird smelling people."* says Farella. She asks Raphina what type of creature she is. *"I am a full-bodied halfling and I'm from the cosmos and I'm made of the cosmos!"* she replies.

*"I have been intrigued about this idea of eating. So I would like to eat at least one of you."* says Farella and the party laugh, somewhat nervously. Gwen offers her a couple of her nasal suppositories, which Farella happily tries, but says she can still smell them. *"Would anybody like to volunteer to be eaten first? I'll probably end up eating all of you."* Will says *"How do you plan on eating us?!"* and Farella opens her mouth wide to present a huge, wide maw of sharp teeth. Things definitely seem to have taken a very dark turn. Batthwack casts *Shield of Faith* says *"Why don't you eat me?"* Farella pauses for the briefest of moments and replies *"OK!"*, before rearing back and lunging at Raphina.

   Gwen is very quick to react and fires a three *Eldritch Blasts* at Farella, but as she's running one shoots under her arm and another through her legs. The final one does catch her on the shoulder. Mo dashes to get in Farella's way, shouting *"You eat nobody here! Everybody tastes bad. I tell you!"* Raphina casts a *Sacred Flame*, which strikes all around Farella, somehow missing her. At the same time, Will flies over to Raphina and grabs her, lifting her into the air out of harm's way. Also concerned for Raphina's safety, Batthwack casts *Sanctuary* on her and then turns his attention to Farella. He casts *Command* and calls out *"Eat me!"*, which seems to do the trick, because Farella's head suddenly snaps round to look at him and she gnashes her jaws, saliva dripping from her mouth.

Batthwack draws Farella towards Gwen and Mo, who is able to stab her as she skips lightly over the giant coins, apparently barely even noticing. She throws her head back and tries to bite Batthwack, but his *Shield of Faith* is able to ward her off. Farella shrieks and laughs maniacally. Gwen wonders if Farella has become possessed, but on inspection decides that isn't the case. She casts *Toll the Dead* and the smell of roasted sugared pecans wafts through the air and Raphina strikes a dolorous bell as Farella takes necrotic damage. She looks around for the source *"What did that?! That was a nice trick!"* Mo shouts *"I show you a trick!"* and comes running towards her, dagger raised. He stabs her repeatedly as he grins with sheer joy.

Raphina looks up towards the sky, which is masked by the rainbow covering the hole above them, thinking to herself that rainbows can't exist without clouds. She casts *Call Lightning*, pointing at Farella, and thunder booms. A sparkly, rainbow-coloured bolt shoots down, taking Batthwack, Gwen and Mo all by surprise and giving them all a shock, as Farella somehow dodges out of the way. Mo is hit especially hard by the electric blast. Will, while holding onto Raphina with one arm, casts *Magic Missile*, creating humanoid-shaped shadows of various races, which each dart at Farella, attacking her, but it's the first time he's used this spell and the shadows lack strength.

Batthwack drops his *Shield of Faith* as he casts *Thunderous Smite* instead, and swings his sword at Farella, but a coin underneath him shifts, sending him off balance, and he misses. He swings again, this time connecting with Farella. His weapon rings loudly with thunder inside this echoey chamber as he also casts *Divine Smite* to blast her with radiant energy, and sends her flying backwards through the air. She lands on her back. *"That was a dirty, nasty trick you did to me."* she says angrily, sounding a little bit winded. *"That was pretty fun, wasn't it?"* replies Batthwack with a grin. Farella turns over and places her palm very deliberately on the centre of the coin that she's laying on. At first she just appears to be getting to her feet, but then the party notice the coins beneath them are rumbling and shifting around. From the very centre of the this chamber, the shifting and moving coins start gathering together and rising up to form a towering golem made completely of gold.

*"We'll see how you like this trick..."* says Farella as the golden golem stomps towards them, it's gold feet ringing against coins. It raises both of its huge golden hands above its head and it slams them down, one on Mo and the other on Gwen. Mo is hit very squarely and is knocked down to the ground, where he lays motionless. Gwen's eyes smoulder and the smell of singed crème brûlée fills the air as she casts *Hellish Rebuke* at the golem. The flames roar around him and his body begings. Gwen smiles at this, and takes a deep breath before exhaling an intense fiery energy at the golem. Mo remains lying on the ground, bleeding out.

Noticing how effective fire is against this monstrosity, Raphina casts her *Sacred Flame* at it, and the golem is burnt again. Will doesn't want Farella to be forgotten about and seeing that the rest of the party are taking care of the golem, he tries to cast *Polymorph*. Frustratingly, it doesn't work and Will can feel that Farella seems to have some resistance to it. He flies with Raphina a little way so they can stay spread out.

Batthwack runs up to Mo, kneeling down next to him and touching him as healing energy flows through his fingers. Mo's eyes flutter open and he looks up at Batthwack, saying *"Still things to stab?!"* *"Absolutely, Mo. You haven't missed anything"* replies Batthwack. He then casts *Searing Smite* to charge his sword as Farella looks over at him and says *"Do you still want me to eat ya?!"* and then jumps at him, her teeth latching onto him and piercing his skin. *"I feel luckier already!"* she screeches. The golden golem lifts up it's hands and smashes them down on Mo and Gwen once again. Gwen retaliates with a delicious s'mores-smelling *Flame Strike*, taking care that the column of divine fire misses the rest of the party, and the golem begins to take on a very melty and gloopy appearance. Even the coin floor underneath it starts to look unstable. She then casts *Healing Light* on herself and Kowl beings licking her as the smell of candy apples fills the air.

Farella, seeing the state of her golem and the gold it's standing on, screams *"What are ye doing to my gold?!"* She waves a hand over her head and a rainbow appears, it's colours inverted. Batthwack and Mo wince as their life force is drained by the spell, though Will fabulously resists its effects and partially manages to shield Raphina too. Mo cries out *"What is thaaaa..."*, his voice trailing off as he passes out again. Raphina reaches out with her healing energy, restoring life force to Mo, Batthwack, Gwen and herself. She then casts *Healing Word*, regenerative energy radiating out of her and Mo's life force is nearly fully replenished, though he is still lying prone on the ground. Will fires six quickened *Eldritch Blasts* at Farella, finally dislodging her teeth from Batthwack and she stumbles back onto the coins, shouting *"I'll get you for that!"*

Batthwack unleashes his poisonous breath weapon at Farella and she staggers back, not looking too well. She glances up at Will and points at him, pondering what revenge to exact. She then mutters something as she casts a spell, causing him to spontaneously and involuntarily start dancing in mid-air. Raphina, still being carried by him in the air, can't resist joining in, but Will's uncontrollable capering dance moves send her flying away from him and she hits the deck with a thud. The golem is slowly melting in the pool of red hot coins at its feet, but it manages to slam its fists down once more on Gwen and Mo, who is still prone. It then lumbers away out of the molten area, it's feet ringing resonantly on the coins.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Eric. Alex is describing how Batthwack's moving up to heal Mo during the battle with Farella and her Jeff Goldlem-blum. Alex says *"And then I guess I'm going to kneel down and touch Mo and heal him for... I don't know."* Eric (singing to the tune of *Personal Jesus* by Depeche Mode): *"Kneel down and touch Mo!"* Alex: *"Reach out! I'm gonna reach out and touch Mo!"* Cue the sing/steel-tongue-drum-along from Abby!
* Abby's "bell" is a steel tongue drum, aka the RAV Vast

## References

1. ↑ See episode 176: Will's Never Met a Trout OR a God??
2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 See episode 230: What WAS Your Job?
3. ↑ See episode 185: 25% Too Much Twerking
4. ↑ See episode 193: Batthwack's the Fruit!
5. ↑ See the Trivia section!
6. ↑ See episode 173: Why Can't Mommy and Daddy Just Talk to Each Other?!