Rayman Into The Wild Green Ponder

Rayman is a cool series, well as long as we disregard the horrid Rayman M and any thing associated with those Rabbids. Seriously, they brought Rayman back for the first time in like a decade only to have him once again become side lined by those fricking Rabbids. This is not what I wanted! I never should have been this way. Rayman is the only reason that people like me bought things from Ubisoft. Like most people, my favourite Rayman game is Rayman 2: The Great Escape or Rayman Revolution as it's known for the ps2. That game is as cool as cool can be, and I should know considering the fact that I happen to be a resident of Coolville. Its so very cold here, and despite the name it is not a pleasant place to live as the local baseball team regularly pull horrid tricks on you by making you eat pieces of chewing gum that make you so very cold, and also have an addiction to pink custard. A lot of people don't know however that Rayman 2 was going to be completely different early on it's development. I know this because when the game was first being developed circa 1996 just after the release of the original Rayman, I was working at Ubisoft as a game tester. Richard Bagg also worked for Ubisoft at the time, but he was really annoying as he would scoot across the hallways on his scooter asking for coffee, and he would ask everyone even a local couple that were getting married in the middle of the reception which stunk of sand. Soggy sand too. Richard also angered the higher ups at Ubisoft by frequently bringing Super Mario Kart with him which he would play in the game testing room. "This is where things get real." Richard remarked as he clutched the SNES controller tightly in his palms. Playing Nintendo games in Ubisoft's own building as you can probably imagine didn't go over very well and Richard was fired. He didn't mind much as he really wanted to go to Northwestern Medical School, and we all know how that went. For most of Rayman 2's pre-production, no one really knew how the story was going to go.

Originally conceived as a 2D side scroller just like the first game, in pre-production, the game lacked the darker tone that the second game eventually went for what with the captured citizens and the robots taking over the world plot. The game was given the subtitle of Rayman Into The Wild Green Ponder. I will now tell you what would have been different in this version of the game, and I hope you appreciate me telling you this as I tried to tell my son Billy about my working at Ubisoft, but he cut ties with me at his own birthday of all things. Billy used to be a massive fan of Rayman, and I made him a Rayman themed birthday party with a cake that had Globox's face etched into it. It had plum juice inside instead of creamy cake stuff. I personally prefer clam chowder in all of my cakes as that's how we roll in Coolville. I then told Billy that the real Rayman was going to be making a guest appearance at the birthday party. However, it was actually just my friend Pierre from my days studying art in Paris. Pierre was a real life Rayman with just a head, body, and floating hands and feet with no limbs to attach them to the body. The deception became obvious to everyone as soon as Pierre came into the garden Billy spat in my eye as he declared it the worst birthday party ever, and that he couldn't decide what was worst. My pretending that Pierre was Rayman or the horrid wheat grass cake that I had cooked and basically threatened people into eating. My weenie neighbour and his big muscly motorcycle driving wife appeared to enjoy the cake as he picked at it and said, "this is pretty goof." Anyways, originally Rayman 2 was very different and was meant to follow in the style of the first game with Rayman travelling to several different locations based on very weird things such as a world made out of computer plugs, wires, and other computer type things or a world made entirely out of Heinz Scotch Beans. Returning worlds from the first Rayman would have also appeared such as Mr Skops' Caves, Eat At Joe's, and Band Land. Whereas in the first game you had to collect Electoons, in this game the collectables were boxes of Vito's Pizza which was a frequent purchase by employees of Ubisoft at this time. This was until they switched to Mama Meany's Pizza Palace after their company CEO Salvatore Meany paid a visit to Ubisoft's offices. He stood at the door, and handed a pizza to one of the high-ranking Ubisoft execs. "Take it for free!" Salvatore Meany proclaimed happily. The pizza tasted like cardboard and you couldn't bite anything off as it was chewy as Chewbacca's feet. Please don't ask how I know what Chewbacca's feet taste like. Whisk star whip! Vito Cappelletti lost a lot of revenue coming in after Ubisoft decided to do business with Mama Meany's instead of him. A dejected looking Vito appeared on the late night news to advertise his pizzas which were now selling for a buck buck buck, and he looked very sad in this interview with his moustache being floppy. Vito was supposed to deliver pizza to Ubisoft on that particular day, but the wheels on the Vito's Pizza truck had been punched out by wheel traps that had been laid by Sal Meany. This event came to be known as The Pizza Drip.

I just had a big dinner with my friend who looks like a 1970's guitarist. Originally, Mr Skops a villain from the first Rayman was going to appear in Rayman 2 as the main antagonist. Mr Skops was the penultimate boss, and he occupied Mr Skops' Caves where he appeared behind an inquizitive Rayman who was pondering a proper hmm. Admiral Razorbeard was still going to be in the game, but as the secondary villain. Also, Razorbeard was originally a comic relief character who added humour to the tense moments with Mr Skops. Razorbeard often makes horrid one liners at Mr Skops' expense, but Skops lets them go as Razorbeard is his nephew by marriage not by blood. Ubisoft isn't that sick. Anyways, Mr Skops eventually gets sick and tired and grabs Razorbeard in a choke hold with his lobster claw after Razorbeard fails to reveal that Globox is the rightful ruler to Rayman's World and that it was a royal title passed from Globox to Globox. Angered, Mr Skops proceeds to shoot a bolt of blue light out from his forehead which hits Razorbeard in the chest, and sends him flying to the other side of the room to his death. Mr Skops' mouth hung open like a banana as he cried, "the magic of Rayman's World can't last forever... CAN IT?" He asked that last part in the dumbest voice you'd ever hear. Fitting in with the fact that he was originally intended to be a comic relief character, Razorbeard's character model was much sillier and was later re-used for Razorbeard's first mate in the actual game. Also, in the scene where Razorbeard eats one of the yellow lums, it would have been a green lum instead of a yellow one and he would have put in on a sandwich, but he took so long getting things to put on it that the green lum flew away. Side note; whatever happened to green lums in the Rayman series? They were like Christmas on wings. Something that you may not have known also is the fact that very early on in Rayman 2's development, there was going to be a lot stunt casting as Ubisoft wanted to attach some big name stars to their project in order to entice non video game players into buying their product specifically old grandams from the Midwest as they were Ubisoft's target market. Side note; one time an employee at Ubisoft threw his grandma down the stairs of her condo in Arizona. So sad. Tom Cruise was originally selected to voice Rayman, and he recorded the entire game's prologue as well as a few incidental lines before being dropped like a dove that had crashed into your parent's house right before you introduced them to the pesky Mr Lambert. Fucking Lambert man. Cruise was highly disappointed to have been fired as he really liked the original Rayman, but production felt his voice was too distracting which led to his firing and Rayman being voiced by an actor who made Rayman sound like a custard maker especially when he yells, "yippee!" John Malkovich also voiced Mr Skops and recorded all of his lines, until the game was changed. I actually recorded some re-takes of Mr Skops' lines after Malkovich was fired because he was so scary in his vocal performance that it made the head of Ubisoft cry.

The game originally opened with Mr Skops having kidnapped all of the residents of Rayman Land and placed them into cages. Near the end of the game, Mr Skops would have captured Rayman as well, and he would have force fed Rayman purple lums which had the ability to strip Rayman of all his powers. Mr Skops would reveal to Rayman about what happened to Mr Dark. According to Skops, Mr Dark was currently hiding in Mexico under the protection of the local governor. Rayman debated on heading down to Mexico and sorting out the Dark situation, but he decided against it as Mr Dark was not his primary concern at the moment; Mr Skops was. The final boss fight between Rayman and Skops was going to take place in the City of Gold, and the final scene of Mr Skops would have occurred inside a large money vault which dangerously had large bags of money on top of some shelves that Mr Skops stood beneath. Globox meanwhile after being given a lift by Murfy which very nearly killed the poor bugger and he was lying on the ground squashed like a pancake climbed onto the top of the shelves, and pushed the money bags off from the shelf and they landed on top of Mr Skops crushing him to death in the process. Rayman then proceeded to throw Mr Skops into a pot of boiling hot water, and had himself a lovely supper of searing hot lobster. Rayman however began to feel a massive amount of survivor's guilt as he ate Mr Skops all by himself. "Are you going to share that?" Globox asked to which Rayman with his mouth full of delicious lobster responded with, "no." Globox looked exactly the same in this early build, while Murfy looked like Fredo AKA the chocolate bar frog mascot guy, and he had a frosty rim upon his head whatever that means. Much like Spider-Man 3, Rayman 2 was originally going to have three antagonists. They were Mr Skops obviously, Razorbeard, and The Magician. The Magician is a major character in the Rayman franchise. Appearing as the narrator and a mini game giver in the first instalment, The Magician was originally a loyal follower of Rayman and appeared to be of the same species as he. By the time of the recent games Rayman Origins and Legends, The Magician has been retconned into being a Teensie and he is also revealed to have been an informer for Mr Dark ever since the fall of the Bunton House. The Magician's turn to the darkside was originally going to be explored in this game, and it's worth noting that the game originally had a co-op feature where you could play as Rayman while your friend if you have any would play as The Magician. During the infamous cage scene near the end of the game, The Magician would have revealed his deception to Rayman and that he was persuaded to join Dark by a friend of his at community college; Buzz Lightyear's part=time lover Warp Darkmatter who was the head of a local fraternity which was infamous in 2004 for nicking chocolate caramel slices from a local café in Thieves Landing. Darkmatter and his frat brothers worshipped Mr Dark, and whenever someone wanted to join their frat; Warp would make them kneel in a big pile of Cheerio's which really hurts your leg after like 2 seconds, and you had to pray to a picture of Mr Dark that hung above the hearth right next to a cricket.

At first, The Magician was very reluctant to praise Mr Dark, but that was when Warp who was the greater scope villain it would seem meaning the game originally had four villains not three whoops, anyways Warp manipulated The Magician into joining Team Mr Dark, by revealing that many years ago, while out N Sanity Beach, Warp witnessed Rayman murdering a dolphin by throwing his magical fist right into the stomach of the dolphin. This act made Warp into a cynic, and he got very sad and when a real looker on the beach asked him what was going on, Warp just drew a sad face on the sand with his feet hoping that would explain the whole thing. Thinking that Rayman was a complete bastard, The Magician from that point on followed Mr Dark, and became an informant for Mr Skops because he convinced himself that is what Dark would have wanted him to do. Once Rayman was stripped of his magical essence, The Magician planned to head on down to Mexico to live among the peasants in a house made for two. Rayman however would have broken out from his cage imprisonment, and would have seen The Magician attempting to a run for it down a long green field with the greenest grass ever seen in a video game since Cutting Grass Simulator 2009, but Rayman then decided to show The Magician how sadistic he really was. Rayman placed a bear trap in the centre of the field, and The Magician ran straight into it and his leg got caught as he screamed in pain begging for a custard slice. Rayman had been taught the bear trap trick by The Magician himself who used bear traps to catch unsuspecting gummy bears that walked along the fields of Rayman Land. After killing Mr Skops and The Magician being taken in by the police, Rayman would have been introduced to Madame Web who was the one providing all of the portals that Rayman used to go from level to level and world to world. Note; you were only able to reach this ending if you got all 25 pizza boxes otherwise the game ended with Rayman lying in a bed looking like he just saw someone's cat take a shit in the corner. Rayman and Madame Web appeared in a bubble gum looking dimensional void, and Madame Web then turned to face Rayman as she said, "we're going to find Mr Dark." Rayman looked incredibly shocked after hearing his beloved Madame Web say this, as both she and Rayman went on an interdimensional journey. This was meant to lead into an expansion pack for the game which was going to be called Rayman Dark Matter which featured Rayman going on a time travelling extravaganza to find Mr Dark. The game would have started in the Victorian era, which revealed that Madame Web sent Rayman to the wrong time, and I think she messed up the time jump on purpose as she was quite the old crone. I once married ole Web by accident ya know? That's a story I like to call The Web Of Jeb. After the game was retooled from top to bottom, the expansion pack was cancelled too. Also, the expensive was totally free and you totally didn't have to pay extra for it.

Rayman Into The Wild Green Ponder was intended to be a major stepping stone in the world of interactive media, and originally much like The Sims, the game was going to have a feature where you could make your own character and enter Rayman's World and explore the world on your own terms, well you would try anyway as you would end up getting annoyingly tagged along by Rayman who forced to go to Egypt and learn about the pyramids. It was basically a playable history lesson, and you had to answer questions regarding the history of Egypt from Rayman who was wearing a pharaoh's hat, and the questions were incredibly complicated and you would never solve them even if you were a master historian. There was a lot of students that were failing history in the school system back in these times, and Ubisoft was looking to rectify this. Let's talk now a little about the levels of Rayman 2, as originally there was going to be vehicle levels including one of Rayman on a surf board in the ocean where he was being chased by a shark, and if you caught in the seaweed the shark would bite Rayman's nosey off. An old Italian woman would then appear on screen with a bowl of spaghetti in hand as she winked at the screen and said, "don't worry little paisano." Now, during the credit cookies of Rayman 1, it's implied that Mr Skops along with the other bad guys of Rayman 1 underwent heel face turns with Skops happily shown surfing on the beach with Rayman, this would have been handwaved off in the game's prologue with it being explained that Mr Skops was merely applying the old trick of keeping your friends close but your enemies closer. It's an age old tactic older than the hills of Yorkshire themselves. At the very beginning of production before a story was even finalised, Globox was going to be a lawyer named Larry his role in the story if that direction for his character was taken is unknown. Only a few cutscenes were fully animated before the game changed, though most of the voice acting was done. The prologue heavily implied that much like Rayman 3, the game was going to be a lot more comedic and self aware, even Globox and the people of Rayman Land's capture at the beginning of the game was going to be played for laughs with really whacky music being played as characters were shown inside their bird cages including a man who is a massive monster truck enthusiast who won't explain to you what a GPS is, even though you probably should already know that. Like in the prologue for the actual Rayman 2, Rayman mopes to Globox about no longer having his powers, which is when Globox pulls an orb of blue light out from his ass and gives it Rayman which causes all of his powers to come back immediately. "Well now I have all my powers thanks Globoxy, this might be a very short game." Rayman marked as he began spinning on a globe of the world, and the spinning was so slow it made me develop a bad case of vertigo, but I lost it after realising it wasn't the spinning that made me feel noxious it was the overly smug look that was present on Rayman's beedy little face as he span.

Mr Skops and Razorbeard had built themselves a robot pirate army, and after escaping the prison warship, Globox and Rayman took a walk in a forest clearing along an old rickety bridge where Globox coughed a cough as his stomach began to form big orange spots and his skin turned green instead of blue. Concerned for his best friend, Rayman tried offer his help, but Globox turned evil as he pushed Rayman off the side of the bridge. In a real Looney Tunes moment, Rayman held up a sign that read help as he fell to the blue abyss below. Globox was very poorly indeed, and he had a bad stomach ache. Globox took a walk, but he ended up falling down a hill rolling all the way into a cottage wned by a local who proceeded to nurse Globox back to health. "Nice try Goliath!" Globox's carer remarked as he dapped Globox's forehead with a wet sock. In Rayman 2's actual game, Rayman has to get a cure from the Land Of Bad Dreams for Clark who is suffering a bad case of poisoning. Clark has one heck of a chin I must say, and in this version Globox was the one who needed the cure. Rayman was forced to go into the snowy mountains which were later reused to make The Summit Beyond The Clouds For Rayman 3. According to Globox's curer Nigel Fetching, the cure was a bottle of 1920's liquor that was being held in an old wooden cabin by an old man named Zeke Eaterman. Upon arriving at the cabin the snow, Rayman was ushered into the house by Eaterman who proceeded to not listen to a thing that Rayman was saying, and instead proceeded to go on an extended rant about how he believed that Rayman was a salesman. A mini game type sequence then occurred which featured a sandwich contest in which you had to see who could make a sandwich and eat it the fastest. Rayman or Eaterman. No matter how fast you clicked the buttons on your controller, Eaterman was always able to win as he was a protégé of Mr Mix the one chef that can never be bested no matter how hard you may try to prove him wrong. After being told what Rayman needed was his home brew liquor, Eaterman laughed as he said, "why didn't you mention that before sonny? Now how about another sandwich first? Maybe with a bit of mustard, mayo, chicken tikka, red velvet stuffing, and even a seal..." Yes, Eaterman eats seals that look so sad so very sad when they seeing that Eaterman is approaching them with his brother Axe Eaterman who held an axe high up into the snowy sky as the seal sang excerpts from Les Mis. Zeke Eaterman ate loads too and he never gained weight despite his massive food intake indicating that he may have a tapeworm, and if so that's really gross.

After being handed the liquor, Rayman like Charlie from The Santa Clause got really awkward as he said, "thanks thanks a lot." "Don't drop the eggy." Eaterman joked as he pushed Rayman out of the cabin so that he could catch up on his soaps. Eaterman was being very rude to Rayman, because in spite of all of Rayman's assurances that he wasn't a salesman, Eaterman was not entirely convinced of the fact that Rayman wasn't a salesman. Eaterman cannot stand salesmen. His hatred of salesmen and their sale ways was intended to be explored in a made for TV expansion pack entitled American Eaterman X in which Eaterman gets sent to prison for three years after murdering a man that was trying to sell him a vacuum cleaner. While in prison, Eaterman would have befriended a man who sells pamphlets that advised people to give their dog a sheer, and this would have caused Eaterman to realise that Gusteau was right all along. The name Into The Wild Green Ponder comes from the fact that the hub world was a sickly green colour. Just thought you should known playa. Rayman brought the drink to Globox, but he was already recovered and he was just chilling on a bench reading the Sunday Times, but what he really wanted was the Examiner but Mr Fetching didn't get the Examiner where he lived. Rayman was angry over the fact that Globox had tricked him into going on a fool's errand, but held his tongue when Globox revealed the Globox Shake which was a milkshake that was blue in colour, with blue icing, blue insides, and a blue goo that was smurf like and was given to Globox by Gargamel who was Globox's friend in the trade, what trade I cannot say. Gargamel was interested in meeting Rayman, but he was currently trapped inside his cottage while a man with goat legs stands outside yelling at Gargy baby to come out and fight like a man. Rayman took a sip from the Globox Shake, and it gave him the strength to keep going. Rayman then received a phone call from Mr Skops which was really cringe as Rayman complained about never being part of Mr Skops' crappy script, and that was when Mr Skops suggesed that Rayman show him what a first class script was like through his own actions. What a horrid exchange indeed! The Globox Shake was actually released in real life for a couple weeks... well actually just a week during the game's development, but sadly it well went arse faced as Don Alberto Clemente from Empire Bay's crime circuit got his hands on it.

Somehow never mind how exactly, the Grimace Shake had made its way to Empire Bay and all the way up to the Empire Arms Hotel; where on the top floor of said hotel Don Clemente nearly died after ingesting it. In reality, Clemente nearly died because he was laughing so hard at his horrid jokes as he drunk from the shake, that a bit of the blue goo got stuck to his uvular. Clemente told really horrid jokes often, and because his men did not wish to offend the old man they would laugh awkwardly at his horrid jokes, which believe me they were bad. "One time this guy sees this beauty in a bottle, and she says I can grant you a wish any wish you name it. So, the guy says paint my house." Clemente joked one time. Alberto that joke makes no sense. Clemente's threats worked and Ubisoft responded by recalling the Globox Shake from all shelves, and an overly threatening news woman did a public announcement encouraging people not to buy the Globox Shake. She played the part completely straight, even after the news station got hacked by Globox himself who wanted to treat the world to a video of him swallowing a big ole house fly. A trick Globox often performed at birthday parties for the youth interrupting bears out there was pretending to eat a fly, and then spitting out just when you think he'll swallow it. This time the trick backfired terribly, and the fly went straight down Globox's gullet which required him to go to the Czech Republic so that they could take a look. No one is quite sure what exactly happened to Globox while he was in the Czech Republic, but when he came back he was very shy and meek explaining his quieter appearance in Rayman 2, and though not known the unreleased Rayman Encyclopaedia revealed that Globox reguarly abandoned his wife and baby Globoxes so that he could sleep in a bus terminal as it was the only place he felt comfortable sleeping these days. Poor blue frog man!

Most of the levels were pretty much exactly the way they were in the first Rayman, though the difficulty had been significantly toned down after someone at Ubisoft decided to play the original Rayman again, and he became so shocked about hard the game was that he wrote an open letter to his own company complaining about. The man moved back to Estonia where he got married to a girl with ears for cheers. After receiving a visit in the night from the man with the bowler hat and yellow straw hair, the man moved to London where he frequently takes the tube where he insults people who don't know anything about Estonia. However when the chips are down, and the miserable Mr Hull starts attacking you for trying to nick his bottle of ice cold mineral water, that man will have your back. In any case, the only interesting level worth discussing in my humble bumble opinion happened to be a returning level from the first Rayman entitled Eat At Joe's. Most people forget that Eat At Joe's even exists in the game, and maybe that's a good thing given how rude Joe the alien boy is when he dismisses Rayman from his restaurant. Rayman literally breaks his back getting the power turned back on at Joe's pad, and how does he respond? By pointing at Rayman with his judgemental green lizard fingers as he just said, "go." Rayman was all like, "excuse me?" In Rayman Into The Wild Green Ponder's version of Eat At Joe's, it was revealed that Joe had moved to Miami after being granted a pass there and he would work in a shop making tattoos for a dollar a pop, and the fun don't stop. In his absence, the restaurant was being run by Joe Barbaro who was really annoying. Joe claimed that Rayman saved his life a long time ago. According to Barbaro, following Mr Dark's stealing of the Great Protoon and takover of Rayman's World, he was forced to hide in South America where he tried to change his Italian wise guy ways by standing up against the local boss who likes to eat lollipops so much, because as a child he went to the dentist and was given a lollipop, and when he went back the very next day the dentist had to inform the boss that they no longer sold lollipops as they feared the stick might get stuck in people's teeth holes. Ever since then, the man has been nicking lollies from stores everywhere, and he savours the taste each time as he doesn't know wherever it'll be his last taste of strawberry goodness or not. Joe tried to save the local wildlife by chaining himself to an oak tree, but he made a rookie error as he had stuck himself onto a tree on the other side of the woodlands meaning he had to just sit there helplessly as the big boss and his bulldozer team came and destroyed the forest. "Holy shit what a fucking disappointment." Joe remarked as he decided to return to Rayman's World where he bought Eat At Joe's from Joe in a card game which Barbaro had clearly rigged, but Joe the alien boy was so stupid that he didn't even realise that his cards were double sided meaning that Barbaro didn't have to try very hard to win.

Naturally, Joe Barbaro gave some of the game's most annoying missions, which were fun on paper such as being able to drive a red and yellow car to the other side of the screen in order to bring some supplies to the locals, but there was an annoying time limit. I ate time limits so much, that if a game even so much has one time limit I throw that sucker in the recycle bin, and laugh as it's taken away by the garbage men. I laugh as I see the game sitting back on my game shelf as if it had never left. Well, that certainly took a dark turn, I wasn't expecting that. Barbaro was proper lazy too as his final level for Rayman required Rayman to go shopping for him at the local B&M as he wanted Rayman to get some food supplies for him. "What are you going to do?" Rayman asked after being handed the list to which Joe pulled an incredibly weird looking face as he responded with, "I got something I need to take care of." Rayman was treated like a king when he first entered the shopping centre with people begging him to come into their shop to savour some of their stock such as their brown muffins, but when Rayman came back from where he had been they all turned cold as ice and refused to give Rayman anything. Rayman got his own back by nicking the muffin basket, though he felt guilty about it and threw it into a trash can where a homeless man picked it out, caught a whiff of it, and made a disgusted face showing that Rayman made the right choice in dumping the muffins as they were rancid. Upon returning to Eat At Joe's, Rayman proceeded to ask Joe why he had made him go through all of that nonsense. Joe then revealed that he always wanted to fly high and touch the sky, and with Rayman's heilcopter hair he believed that this could be his chance. "Well why didn't you say so?" Rayman asked rhetorically as he was then granted the super fly power from the first Rayman which allowed him to fly with his helicopter hair for an unlimited amount of time. Rayman picked Joe up in his hands, and the pair flew towards the sky, but Rayman was not alone in the sky as none other than Big Smoke and CJ themselves appeared next to him. Big Smoke was always there friend, you just didn't know it yet. Smoke turned to face Rayman with an incredibly cheesy grin being present upon his face as he said, "you gotta eat to keep your strength up man." Rayman then became a proper big chungus as he agreed with Big Smoke by saying, "yeah man." Rayman's sudden weight gain reminded me of the humorous alternate ending in Rayman 2 in which if you accept the treasure from Jano' s gold mine, you get a scene where a fat fucking Rayman is shown lazing around on a beach having finally got it made.

Although everyone at Ubisoft loved this version of the game, everyone at the top level decided that they wanted to do things a little differently. All of the progress made for the game was placed onto a hard drive, and I decided to take it for myself in order to be able to show you some footage of the game as proof of it's existence. Sadly, I threw the hard drive into the bin on the road outside Ubisoft HQ after realising that John Malkovich had sent his attorney Mr Wilkinson to come and stop me from releasing the game's contents into the world. Mr Wilkinson got extra close to my face as he attempted to steal the hard drive from me, however after throwing it in the bin Mr Wilkinson became very nice and kindly as he revealed that he didn't want to really hurt me as he said, "I was concerned that you would interfere with Mr Malkovich's plan to publish this game's production in a Rolling Stones article." The article ultimately never came through as it got lost in the post whatever that means, and as thanks for not releasing the hard drive to the public, John Malkovich proceeded to invite me to his own private vineyard in France where he dined on watermelon sandwiches. I drunk a bottle of wine from what Malkovich called his special brew, and it caused me no joke to start farting literal bubbles. I farted so many of them and with so much force that I was literally able to fly through the sunny sky. "Farewell!" I proclaimed like some kind of Mr Bean as I left the vineyard behind, but John Malkovich apparently didn't enjoy my horrendous gas as he gave me the middle finger. I flew through the sky all the way towards Coolville, and on my travels I helped a small boy suffering from chicken box get his groove back by helping him win the big football game, even though it's fairly obvious to most people that the team were clearly taking it easy on the young boy. Sadly, my positive influence on the boy didn't last long, as recently around 2011, that guy had become a career criminal and robber with convivence stores being his most frequent targets. Always willing to cut a deal, the man offered to let the hostages go if he could eat one of them, and the police believed that he was referring to the M&M duo who were also at the store buying beef jerky as beef jerky is the only thing Yellow wants ever since realising that he may have accidentally killed his summer love by making her roll around with him in the sunflowers, not knowing that she was deathly allergic to sunflowers and flowers in general. Sorry Yellow. Yellow however knew who the man was really going to eat and he whispered to Red, "he's gonna eat Gary." Gary the cashier sat tied up next to the two M&M's, and basically rolled his eyes for a thousand years not knowing that Yellow was actually very much spot on. "It's gonna be delicious." The man said as he hung up the phone, and the police officer in charge of hostage situations tried to call again, but he got no answer and he held the phone up to his bearded ear as he heard the phone on the other end ring a ding banana phone, but nobody answered.

Well, everyone that's my time, and if you have any more questions ask my bodyguard Wilf who is built like a brick shit house, and he also does stand up where his main gimmick is his ability to intimidate a dog. His stand up is so bad you'll skip most of it, but in any case I got to be going. I've lunch in two hours with my appraisers over in Nottingham. It's not the kind of thing that I like doing, but still what are you going to do eh? This is Mr Cool signing off. Also one thing to note; there is currently two men dressed as nuns standing outside my door and one of them is smiling an incredibly sinister grin and I don't know what to do. Like some dame from Wales whose husband hangs out in a LEGO house refusing to come out for his burger and chips, I really don't know what to do. I need... I need... I need James P. Sullivan!