recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Gamorrean Vibro-Ax

**Gamorrean Vibro-Ax**

This particular model of vibro-ax was developed by Clan Groogrun, but is representative of many common Gamorrean weapons. Like other vibro-axes, this weapon uses a power pack to vibrate the alusteel blade thousands of times per second to increase its cutting power. Unlike more sophisticated vibroweapons, this primitive design has no vibration dampeners. Combined with the massive weight and size of the ax, only very strong beings such as Gamorreans, or Wookiees can effectively use them. Gamorreans often left the axes turned off, either to showcase their true strength or from being too stupid to remember to turn them on.

The vibrating blade, when turned on, gives +1d damage and a (3) armor divisor to the swing. It uses 1 medium energy cell for 120 seconds of continuous operation.

Damage: sw+4 cut

Reach: 1

Parry: 0U

Weight: 35

ST: 19

Cost: $450
Mehmet Atun

character based on a certain guy from the year above with a similar name – interested in start ups, business, self image. Dull and irritating. Given an entrepreneurship grant in exchange for him quitting because dull. Does very well with the money because dull. Becomes very successful and donates a lot to RCL in the future because he’s very greatful and oblivious to the fact they basically kicked him out.
사료 선택 가이드

* 고양이 사료는 AAFCO의 인가를 받은 제품을 사용하는 것이 좋다.
* 사료 정보표

## 성분표 읽기

### 조단백 (Crude Protein)

고양이는 육식 동물로, 단백질이 높고 탄수화물이 낮은 것이 좋다. 하지만 무조건 단백질 함량만 높은 것 보다는 다양한 영양분 공급을 고려하여 여러 성분의 적절한 비율이 필요하다. 40% 이상이면 많이 높은 편이고, 어느정도 품질이 보장되는 사료는 일반적으로 30~35% 사이가 많다.

### 조지방 (Crude Fat)

조지방의 높으면 비율은 피부와 모질이 좋아진다. 장모종일 경우 모질 관리를 위해 조지방이 높은(20%이상) 사료를 선택하는 것도 좋다.

### 조섬유 (Crude Fiber)

소화력에 영향을 주는 부분이다. 조섬유가 높으면 설사를 잘 잡기 때문에, 장이 약한 경우 조섬유 비율이 높은 사료를 선택하면 좋다. 헤어볼 케어 관련 사료들이 조섬유가 높은 편. (6.9 ~ 8% 정도)

### 조회분 (Low ash)

미네랄 등 고양이 식단에 꼭 필요한 무기질로 구성되어 있다. 약 8% 미만의 조회분이 포함되어 있는 것이 좋다. 습식사료는 사료 특성상 수분때문에 약 2%정도의 조회분만 포함되어 있다.

## 사료의 등급

### 오가닉

농약, 합성비료, 항생제, 유전자 조작 식물, 환경 호르몬이 없으며, 3년간 유기농 방식으로 경작이 된 제품만 사용

* 리얼오가닉
* ANF유기농
* 네츄럴코어 유기농
* 내추럴파이브
* 바이내이쳐 오가닉
* 오가닉스

### 홀리스틱

USDA(미국 농무성) 인증 재료를 사용한다. 합성제, 살충&항생제, 환경 호르몬이 검출되지 않고, 알러지를 유발하는 옥수수, 콩, 밀 등 '그레인'을 사용하지 않음.

* 오리젠
* 필리대
* 내추럴초이스
* 치킨수프
* 필라인캐비어
* 퓨어비타
* 이볼브
* 헬스와이즈

### 슈퍼 프리미엄

육류의 함량이 곡물의 함량보다는 높으며 (그레인 프리는 아님), 부산물이나 합성료, 방부제를 사용하지 않음. GMO/합성원료를 사용하지 않음.

* 로얄캐닌
* 커클랜드
* 뉴트리소스
* ANF AD30
* 퍼스트클래스
* 아보덤
* 와이송
* 사나벨

### 프리미엄

이름은 프리미엄 이지만, 일반사료 등급으로 출처를 알 수 없는 부산물이 사용되거나 영양분이 없는 양채우기용 원료가 사용됨.

* 캐츠랑
* 사이언스
* 프로플랜
* 위스카스

### 그로서리

저급 사료로써 곡물과 찌꺼기, 출처가 불분명 하거나 사체나 질병에 걸린 육류를 원재로로 쓰는 저급 사료. 길냥이 배급용으로 많이 사용한다.

* 프로베스트캣
* 캣차우
* 캣츠아이
* 고메골든

## 참고링크

* 리뷰닷컴 2017 고양이 사료 리뷰
* 사료 성분 : 인과 칼슘의 함유량과 신장의 영향
Ebi Yener Tower

The Tower, also known as the clock tower or bell tower, is a free-standing building found at the Nicosia Campus. The construction of The Tower began in 2028; construction was completed in 2031, and the building was officially opened by the principal and vice-principal in April that year. The Tower is the easternmost building of the Nicosia Campus.

Where the drugz is stored innit. Write more about the drug operation, geographical location of tower, etc.
RCL College Wiki

## Welcome to the RCL College Wiki

Welcome to the RCL College wiki. To get started, click "explore" > "random page". Anyone, including you, can edit this site. Click the edit button at the top of any page to get started.

## RCL College - a vision since 2019

In 2019, the first plans for a sexceptional school in Cyprus were drawn up. Today, RCL College is home to a thriving community of 300 students and over 100 staff.

## Latest activity

Photos and videos are a great way to add visuals to your wiki. Add one below!
Nigel Adebayo

Nigel's father was close friends with Peter Fregene, the famous Nigerian goalie; the two met playing for Stationery Stores F.C..

## Academic Details

### GCSE Subjects

Business Studies (A), Chemistry (B), Computer Science (A), Design and Technology (B), English Language and Literature (C), Geography (C), Mathematics (C), Physical Education (A\*), Physics (A), Russian (B)

### A-Level Subjects

Anatomy (A), Business Studies (A), Computer Science (A), Physics (B)
Basil Crabapple

Butchery club staff butcher. Knows how to use a hacksaw. Was in student relationship with Ella Thomas, despite his being married and having two children (a thick girl and a downs boy). When, at age 5, he first picked up a chainsaw, he knew that teaching DT was his destiny. He also runs butchery club after school, when the DT studio becomes an abattoir.

His kids do not attend the school as they are too thick. They are home-schooled by wifey.
Mixology Club

The RCL College Mixology Club run the Student Building Bar at the Nicosia Campus.

The Club meets weekly on Wednesday afternoon, and its members practise making cocktails. Some of the cocktails pioneered by members of the club include the Bleeding Tweedley (made of blood orange juice, pomegranate liqueur, and gin), and the Scots Toddy, similar to a 'Hot Toddy' but with quadruple the whisky. A more controversial cocktail is the 'Squealing Piglet', a cocktail made of red wine, black pudding, and Coca-Cola, garnished with a twist of candied bacon.
Desiccator

A desiccator is used for storing samples in a moisture free environment. Typically, a desiccator is a large enclosure hooked up to a vacuum line with hygroscopic media at the bottom. When the hygroscopic media is fully saturated with water, it turns pink. It can be regenerated by heating it above 100 degrees to desorb any water.
Grigory Goluboff

Mr Goluboff's office can be found by following the wafting odours of grain alcohol and cigarettes. Hosts monthly "Grigorgies" in his office, which are disgusting alcohol-fuelled staff sex parties. Good friends with Slavosjar Skikovatski and Leiden Twodd. Alcoholic - favourite drink is Makers Mark. Smokes 4 packets a day. Skin is grey, and has a permanent wheezy cough and gravely voice.

No kids at rcl
Design and Technology

### Building

Friedensreich Hundertwasser Building (Nicosia Campus)Not offered at Troodos Campus

### A-Level

No

**Subject brief:** Those studying Design and Technology at RCL College have unbridled access to state-of-the-art woodworking, 3D printing, and graphic design facilities.

**Teachers:** Mr. Basil Crabapple

**GCSE overview:** In GCSE-level DT, students are introduced to the art of sawing shit in half, melding shit together, then explaining the practical uses of their products.

**A-Level overview:** Design and Technology is not offered as an A-Level subject.

**Staff testimonials:** “When, at age 5, I first picked up a chainsaw, I knew that teaching DT was my destiny. I also run butchery club after school, when the DT studio becomes an abattoir.” – Mr. Basil Crabapple

**Student testimonials:** “I got a nail in my eye.” – Marjory, Year 10
Clubs and Societies

At RCL College, students and staff members are actively encouraged to become members of the school's many clubs and societies. Any student or staff member may create a new club - they do, however, need more than 10 pledged members to become recognised and receive the base buget of 50 euro a term. Once a club has been created at either campus (Troodos or Nicosia), application letters will be sent to every student at the both campuses. If a campus does not have 10 active members, they will not be given a club room nor a budget, and must attend the other campuses' meetings if they wish to stay involved.

If clubs find that they need further funds than they are allocated, they may apply for a grant. Alternatively, they may choose to hold a fundraiser.

Note: For sports at RCL, see Sports.

Budget = base budget (outlined below) plus 10 euros per member per term.

Endowment = how much they have saved as of 2039, e.g. from donations, fees, events, grants....

* per term (there are two terms a year).

^base budget - clubs can apply for research/travel/additional grants.

* + 50€ is the base budget granted to registered clubs.

* + - increased 400% to quell their terror threats.

* + - * is the wealthiest club due to their management of the student bar.

Budget based on number of members plus needs
Andrew Lang

Andrew Lang is a teacher at RCL College. He coordinates GCSE PE, and coaches the school's baseball and basketball teams.
Lang suffers from a speech impediment, and often says highly offensive things by accident. For example, he is known for referring to the outdoor football pitch and running track as the "outdoor football bitch and stunning rack".
Lang is a supporter of Universal Breast Implants, or UBI - he believes that both males and females above the age of 16 have a right to free chest/breast enhancements. He is the chief panelist for the annual Great Tits Prize. Has two young sons
Butchery Club

**Building:** Hundertwasser
Building, Design and Technology Workshop (a.k.a. The Abbotoir)

**President:** Mr Basil Crabapple (staff butcher), Ella Thomas (student representative, also head
of RCL College Meat Society.)

**Overview:** At Butchery
Club, students can learn how to slay and bleed out an animal of their choice.
They learn about different cuts of meat, different methods of culling (e.g.
halal), and also learn how to skin, pluck, baste etc.

The RCL College Butchery Club works in close conjunction
with the RCL College Meat Society.

**Student testimonial:** “Butchery
Club is actually really good for self-esteem. The other day, someone
tried to taunt me, and I just told them that I knew how to cut them
along 18 different tendons in order to make steaks out of them. They kept
bothering me, but I still think it was pretty meat. I mean... neat” - Anonymous
Dixie Stedys

Dr Dixie Stedys is a teacher of Biology and Physics at RCL College. Specialising in gut health and high-energy physics, Stedys teaches both GCSE and A-Level students.

## Background and Qualifications

BSc, Doctorate both Leeds. Mother is American

## Personal Life

Born and bred (by a number of sleazy neighbors) in 2000 in Bradford, Yorkshire, Stedys spent her adolescence working in bars and cafes in order to support her grandmother. In school, Stedys excelled, especially in Sciences. She won a scholarship to the University of Leeds to study Biomedicine; by the end of first term she was heavily pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's child. Her first child, Marlboro (named after the cigarettes, nickname Marlie), was born in 2021. At this point, Stedys thoroughly hated men, and entered a lesbian relationship with a flatmate. However, she was not actually gay, and ended up taking advantage of her flatmate, who would look after Stedys' child while she went out clubbing and such. In 2022, Stedys became pregnant again, and gave birth to Donovan in 2023.

Because her children were looked after by Stedys' girlfriend in their infancy, they never formed much of an attachment with her. They are both exceptionally strange children; Donovan often experiences anaphylactic shock when he comes into contact with cider because of the number of times his mother threw up all over him as a kid.

Stedys earned a 2:1, and went on to study physics postgrad, still at Leeds.
Milo Holden

Son of Iwan Holden (staff member). Has a brother at the school. Is generally alright, loves football, but also fine art, is a bit gay but fucks and gets fucked by everyone, is esentially a twinky whore. Loves his booze and his drugs and his sex and his music so comes off as very careless and cool but is actually filled with anxiety and self-loathing
Biology

**Subject brief:**

**Department:** Sciences

**Head of department:** Dr Iwan Holden

**Building:**

**Teachers:**Mr Izsak Piszt, Ms Katherine Almoner, Ms Paula Lillard

A liver growing lab. Scholars have spare livers grown from stem cells or whatever for immediate transplant when the previous liver becomes less than efficient
Chemistry

**Subject brief:**

**Department:** Sciences

**Head of department:** Dr Iwan Holden

**Building:** Charles Darwin Building

**Teachers:** Dr Roger McDermott, Dr Iwan Holden, Ms Louise Byrne

Visited by the son influential British biochemist David Mervyn Blow, Julian, in X year, to celebrate the opening of the Blow-Job science lab (after Blow and Dominique and Claudette Job of Claude Bernard University Lyon).
Anton Fleming

Anton Fleming is a teacher of mathematics at RCL 's Nicosia Campus. Originally from Delaware, Fleming is a black man.

Until recently, Fleming was in a commited long-distance relationship with his high school sweetheart, who still lived in the United States. However, he discovered that she had been cheating on him with his younger brother, his step-father, and even occassionally his grandfather. Devastated, Fleming secluded himself to his classroom cupboard, where he created 1,000 origami cranes. Fleming is now a bachelor, and has no children. Since his seperation, Fleming has been extremely sensitive, often bursting into tears seemingly unprovoked.
RCL Student Elections

Each year at RCL College, student elections are held whereby the school body votes students in and out of the student government.

## Nicosia Campus

### 2026 Election

The first RCL election was held on the 30th of November, 2026.

### 2027 Election

 Leon Klinghoffer
 Abstentions/Spoiled Ballots

### 2028 Election

 Abstentions/Spoiled Ballots

James son of a staff member

### 2029 Election

 Abstentions/Spoiled Ballots

Lucas Acosta top 3. abstentions wanted luca/were sexist

### 2031 Election

 Andreas Spekasti
 Lily Xuegang
 Abstentions/Spoiled Ballots

Jordanian, Chinese

### 2032 Election

 Petro Ardern
 Abstentions/Spoiled Ballots

Lionel wanted to give his votes to Petro; this was deemed unconstitutional, mass debate arose.

Second election after Daisy Kramer's impeachment

 Abstentions/Spoiled Ballots

Cindy: Daisy's minion

### 2034 Election

 Spoiled/Blank

Tradition and secrecy vs transparency
Italian
Shut up olanthe in frustration became a popular moment

### 2035 Election

 Olanthe Cross
 Spoiled/Blank

Daisy Kramer's bro consolidated an unwavering small base, won. originally independent, then formed party. Catchphrase 'i reject that'
unimpressed posh tories, who mostly spoiled ballots as they did not find karides serious enough, plotted to find a new leader. enter severin coke. Likewise, Glass party needed to find a stronger leader, and held internal elections. Strong main parties, along with unsuccessful rule, led rejectionists to failure. they have since died as a party.

### 2036 Election

Note = Noah Bull originally stood as an independent candidate, with polling NB (46), PU (29), MK (12), Undecided (13). He then withdrew from the race and left the school; it later emerged that he had been recruited by an international secret service. Severin Coke then entered the race and won, but struggles with the pressure and became addicted to cocaine.

 Michael Kramer
 Spoiled/Blank

### 2037 Election

 Michael Kramer
 Spoiled/Blank

The Class Party pressured an uninthusiastic Coke to run for re-election. Class-Rejectionists coalition. Maya like Kamala Harris. School more divided than ever. Maya West lioness

### 2038 Election

 Tomasz Kowalski
 Spoiled/Blank

### 2039 Election

 Constantinos Kafavakis
 Spoiled/Blank

* Piss And Shit, Cum And Lochia
Jonathan Withnall

Jonathan Withnall is a teacher of Latin at RCL College's Nicosia Campus.

## Personality and Teaching Style

An upper class ne'er do well, Withnall is a roguish character and a total alcoholic. Vicious and bitter in the classroom, especially with sixth formers, Withnall's acerbic style disturbs even the most forgiving students. Withnall is known for his statement yellow cravat and cavalry twill outfits.

## Personal Life

Withnall is the proud owner of a vintage Aston Martin cabriolet, which he drives top-down at terrifying speeds whilst completely fucked on booze. A number of young boys have been invited on drives; those who have accepted have come forward with complaints of the putrid smell of hot sick brought up by the car's heating system. This is because Withnall is usually so arseholed when driving that he often chucks up in the dashboard radiator. The Aston has a missing tail light from when Withnall backed it up into a police vehicle after a long night at the student bar.

No kids at the school, or at all
RCL College

### Motto

'Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.'('In order to fix a broken stone, one must think outside the box')

### Established

20232024 (Nicosia Campus)2030 (Troodos Campus)

### Staff

Teachers: 80 (Nicosia), 45 (Troodos)Additional Staff: 70 (Nicosia), 55 (Troodos)

### Student to teacher ratio

4.22:1 (Nicosia)4.75:1 (Troodos)4.56:1(Total)

### Website

https://danieltolga.wixsite.com/rclcollege

**Richard Coeur de Lion College**, commonly referred to as **RCL College**or the colloqualised **King Dick School**, is a coeducational school in Cyprus. It was founded in 2024 by Leiden Twodd and Hannibal Le Tweed. The College owns two campuses, one in Nicosia and one in the Troodos Mountains; both of these campuses offer boarding facilities. 570 students study at the school; 190 at the Troodos campus (all of whom are boarders) and 380 at the Nicosia campus (which is mixed).

## Crest and colours

### Colours

#### **College colours**

Primary colours: RCL Purple , RCL Gold .

Secondary colours: RCL Blue , RCL White.
List of Nicosia Campus Staff Members

Previous teachers: Mr Francesco Von Frisch (original art teacher, bachelor).

Past teachers: Mr Michael Houvartas father of Maroulla

### Classics and Ancient History

Ex teachers: Stephen Harrison of Balliol. Invited by Hannibal Le Tweed, died and was replaced. Wanted to teach in a relaxed environment before death.

### Drama

 Mr Oliver Sacks | -

Ex teachers: Ahben Sonel, had an accident and came back as technician.

### English

 Ms Sophie Manhandler | English (2)
 Mr Arnold Small | English (2)
 Dr Ruth Strachey | English (1)

Ex teachers: Don A. Hughes, had two young kids, got fired for pretending to have cancer in order to raise money to fund gambling addiction.

### Geography

 Mr Chollice Lassman | Geography (2)

Previous teachers: Leiden Twodd

### History

 Mr Thomas Blue | History (2)
 Mr Jean Crusteau | -

Past History teachers: Oliver Grant, Naomi Goodman . These two married and left to do charity work in a third world country.

### Law and Politics

 Mr Alastair Pitcaithly | -
 Mr Slavosjar Skikovatski | -
 Ms Dana Tangle | -

Previous teachers: Hannibal Le Tweed, Leiden Twodd

### Mathematics

 Mr Anton Fleming | Mathematics (2)
 Mr Dominic Goodream | Mathematics (2)
 Mr Saulo Corrêa Maciel | Mathematics (2)
 Ms Adrine Trdatyan | Mathematics (1)
 Mr Tsypryjan Volacič | -

Previous teachers: a Turk and a Greek. Were gay for each other. No kids.

### Philosophy and Theology

 Ms Katrina Black | -
 Mr Panos Mephistopheles | Religious Studies (2)
 Mr Thomas Seville | Philosophy (1)
 Ms Brianna Webber | Biblical Hebrew (1), Modern Hebrew (1)

### Physical Education

 Mr Bernardo Silvusconti | Italian (1), Physical Education (1)

## Additional Staff

### Sports

#### Full-time

 F
 Andrew Lang
 F
 M
 F
 M
 M

### Other

 Jack Anapes

Personal Assistants to Directors (Financial Director's assistant secretary etc)

Drivers? Bus drivers? Painter? Maintenence and technical stuff like ACs, leakages? Carpenters/Electricians? Cafe/Bar/Bookstore/other facilities staff?

## Board of Directors and their assistants

### Principalric

 Leiden Twodd
 Theodor d'Lancam

### HR/Communications

 Humphrey Relish
 Noella Barlavento

### Academic/Cultural

 Wallace White

Past board members: Valerie Price (previous Director of Curriculum, wanted to badly to be a principal and was working outside responsibilities so was let go), see individual articles as there are more of these.
Dana Tangle

Ms Tangle

Racially ambiguous. Loud smoker's voice with mean cough. Heavy drinker. Southern accent. Will go very far to make a point. She does tort, other does contract, pitcaithly does general overview. Pronounces her own name as "Dayna".

Her father died in 1991 from cancer, which was attributed to his role as a firefighter in the 1975 New York Telephone exchange fire.
Principals' Residences

The Principals’ Estate is the westernmost building on
campus. Completed in 2030, it is an impressive stone and brick structure, and
is comprised of three wings, as well as an outhouse for guests which is known
as the Lovesy-Conway Guesthouse.

The East Wing of the Twoddley Estate is designed for hosting
and entertaining. Bi-weekly luncheons are hosted there for students who have
shown commendable initiative and success during the preceding fortnight.

The Twodd Wing, originally meant to be the estate’s ‘summer
wing’, is bright, airy, and inspired by contemporary architecture with some Spanish and art
deco elements. It surrounds a small courtyard, where Leidan Twodd and Hannibal Le Tweed famously made a toast to their long-lasting friendship and the success
of the school.

The Le Tweed wing, originally meant to be the estate’s
‘winter wing’, is inspired by Victorian-era decadence, with some rustic
elements. It is home to the infamous Winter Hall, where, on extremely rare
occasions, select students and their parents are invited for dinner.

The Lovesy-Conway Guesthouse is a wedge-shaped outbuilding
which is connected by a narrow passageway to the estate’s central living room.
It has two stories, and a base guest capacity of four people.

The Principals’ Estate is accessed by road or footpath; to walk
to the main entrance, guests walk through the superbly maintained Axl Rose
Garden. The estate also has a private garden, although this is completely
sectioned off by tall hedges. Subsequently, few people know what it holds[DT1] [1].

[1]
A group of students last year
decided to investigate a number of satellite images in order to discover the
contents of the garden. After much deliberation and intensive research, they
came to the conclusion that some features of the garden were: a number of
trees, some grass, and possibly some flowers.

Following
their investigation, the students were invited to dinner at the Winter Hall.
According to their teachers and peers, they have been behaving in an unusual,
‘subdued’ manner ever since.

[DT1]I
haven’t actually decided this yet.
Charles Darwin Building

The Charles Darwin Building is home to RCL College’s science

department. It is the third-largest building on campus in terms of area, behind
the Library and the X Building.

The Charles Darwin Building has access via a short
passageway to the school’s greenhouse, which is a large, H-shaped glass
structure. The outer wing of the greenhouse, which is open to the public,
contains a number of rare and beautiful species of flora, whereas the inner
wing is dedicated entirely to ~~growing drugs~~ scientific study.
Head of Operations

The Head of Operations is the third-highest ranking member of the RCL College Board of Directors. They oversee the running of the school, and consult the principal and vice-principal on important matters regarding its status, its management, and its future.

The Head of Operations earns £140,000 per year before bonuses. They spend their time between the Nicosia and Troodos Campuses, at their offices on either campus.
Ayeka Koizumi

Ayeka Koizumi is the financial director at RCL college. She is in charge of X, and also teaches martial arts (confirm which ones). She can sometimes be found at the college bar, where she drinks wheatgrass smoothies until about 5pm. In the evening, she prefers shots of whisky, vodka, or tequila, of which she takes one every half-hour between 5pm and 8pm. She has killer reflexes, even when drunk.

Despite her hefty salary, Koizumi lives a modest life, living in a medium-sized Nicosia flat where she sleeps on a thin matress and eats things like celery and apple salads. Koizumi is heterosexual, and prefers men aged 25-50. Her latest boyfriend was a scrawny Greek-Cypriot spiritual guide who wore and smelled of hemp. She is now single, and is actively seeking a romantic partner.
David Bowie Appreciation Society

### Budget

250 euro/month (Nicosia Campus), 100 euro/month (Troodos Campus)

**Building:** David
Bowie Building, Bowie’s Shrine (The Solitary Candle)

**President:** Hannibal LE TWEED, Leidan TWODD

**Overview:** RCL
College’s first club.

**Student testimonial:** “The
European cannon is here!!!!” – Group of about eight students, in unison,
marching outside DAVBOW building.
Mohamed Ben Musa

Mohamed Ben Musa is Chaplain at RCL College. Ben Musa's input during the days of the College's conception was invaluable - he saw the desperate need for a new school to be founded in 2019. As Chaplain he oversees students' spiritual welfare with his unique 'Just put your Problems in a Backpack' programme that uses creative activity to blow off stress. He is also in charge of the cough medicine dispensary.
David Bowie Auditorium

The David Bowie Building, or DavBow, serves as the main music building at RCL College's Nicosia Campus.
Designed by the celebrated Swedish architect Sven Gudevening Ikea, the building is a fabulous example of contemporary architecture. It features three storeys of classrooms, soundproofed practice spaces, and a recording studio, all connected with ramps and floating stairs. The building was formally opened in 2032 on what would have been the 85th
birthday of its namesake.

On the east side of the building is the expansive green-coloured *Nina Simone Concert Hall*, where orchestral performances can be made to audiences of up to 1,080 people. The Hall boasts some of the best acoustics on the island of Cyprus, and has hosted a number of prominent musicians and guest speakers including Andre Aciman, Azealia Banks, and Chris Morris. On the upper floor, the more intimate *J. S. Bach Auditorium* is used for private concerts. The slanted roof of the auditoria is mounted with solar panels; the electricity produced is funnelled to the Medical Care team who use it for electroshock therapy and to reanimate overdosed students. At the centre of it all burns a solitary candle, commemorating the life and work of David Bowie.

The David Bowie Building is connected by a short passageway to the White Theatre, which is a stunning small-scale replica of Shakespeare’s Globe\*.

* Though it hardly resembles it as the architect was an acidhead.
Nicosia Campus

The Nicosia Campus, located in what used to be the UN buffer zone, is the larger of two campuses operated by RCL College. The campus features a number of buildings, including two boarding houses. Between Haspolat and Maroullena. Approx. size = 93 hectares.

The Nicosia Campus is home to 198 students (125 day students and 73 boarders). Years 10 and 11 each have 54 students, while years 12 and 13 each have 45. Each year group has 3 classes (A,B,C); the highest-performing students are in class A, while the lowest-performing are in class C. Students switch classes based on their performance, displacing those in the same year group.

## Buildings and Facilities

### Academic

 Alan Turing Building | Business/Economics and Mathematics Building

### Residential

 Twoddley Estate | Principals' Residences

### Sports Facilities

 Outdoor Sports Facilities | Outdoor tracks and sports courts/fields

### Other

 Lakeside Cabin
 Offices
 Rowing Shed

### Other features:

Sprawling manicured lawn; vineyard; running track; tennis courts; football pitch; fountains and water features, including canals for rowing; large artificial lakes ; a small artificial beach; multiple plazas; a statue garden (the Praxiteles Garden); a rose garden (the Axl Rose Garden).

Class seating arrangements: Students are made to sit boy-boy girl-girl. This is not so much to protect the women from harrassment, but instead to foster homosexuality. RCL is extremely homoerotic.

## Timetable Structure

 1000-1055
 1100-1155
 1155-1300
 1300-1355
 1400-1455
 1500-1555
 1600-1800

* Most actually start at 1615 and end at 1715
Elif Bıçak

Elif Bıçak is the Internal Communications Director (ICD) at RCL College. Originally from Turkey, she grew up in Germany, where she learned English and German; since then, she has lived in Denmark and Cyprus. Ironically, she is totally mute.
Bıçak is a self-proclaimed dominatrix, and derives pleasure from barking pre-recorded orders at her submissive boyfriend.
Drugs Discussion Club

**Building:** Student
Building

**Presidents over time:** Gökçe Saynur, ...

**Overview:** At the
Drugs Discussion Club, members discuss the dangers of illicit substances, and
brainstorm ways to avoid peer pressure.

**Student testimonial:** "At a school with a notoriously undisciplined drug culture, I believe it's crucial that we step back occasionally and think about the long-term impacts of drug dependency on our physical and mental wellbeing. At the Drugs Discussion Club, we do just that - reflect on the oft-overlooked dangers of teen drug abuse. Hold on a second, I think my right sinus just collapsed. Hang on." - Anonymous
David Fink

Mr Fink

David Fink is a teacher of Ancient History at the Nicosia Campus. Because he dresses like a monk, people assume that the reason he does not speak outside of the classroom is that he is a hermit. In actuality, his students can attest that the true reason for his silence is because he has a horrible cockney accent.

Mr Fink is blind in the left eye due to his being involved in a horrific motorboating accident. Whilst motorboating, Fink was stabbed repeatedly in the eye by an extremely hard and sharp nipple, causing him to suffer a retinal detachment. In tribute to his lost eye, Fink paints a false eye onto his forehead each morning.

No kids at the school, but has a cute dog, "Bitch".
Internal Communications Director

At RCL College, the Internal Communications Director (ICD) ensures smooth communication between the staff members at the school. Like most Board Members, the ICD travels between the Nicosia and Troodos campuses; at the former, they generally work at the Administrative Offices, whereas at the latter they can usually be found at the Twoddley Fortress.
The current ICD at RCL is Elif Bıçak.
RCL College Ethos

In their 2029 'Handbook for Prospective Parents', RCL College published the following statement:

"*At RCL College, we believe in every student reaching their maximum personal potential. It is this unwavering commitment to our students that has, over the past decade, pushed us into the upper echelons of global secondary education providers. In fact, we were named last year by The Annual European Education Report as ‘The Best New European Education Providers in Europe, Excluding Western Europe’*".

RCL College has outlined a list of between five and six 'guiding principles', also known as *The Five or Six Pillars of Hijab*.

 I
 J
 A
 B
 (S)

These principals work alongside the 4 Guiding Principles, which are Reverence, Atonement, Pride, and Excellence.
Mike Pelekanos

Brother of Antoinette Pelekanos from a different mother. Massive hunky jock. Not particularly bright but not stupid. Has a dumb looking face - always looks like he's just been punched. Phenomenal body - tall, muscular. A student made a sculpture of him for the praxiteles garden, but it was considered obscene because of the erection (which Pelekanos had the entire time he was modeling). Upset, the artist simply removed the penis, so now there's a sculpture in the prxiteles garden "Pelekanos Castrated".
Cumrag Magazine

Cumrag Magazine is the RCL College student magazine. It is published both online (link) and in print form. The magazine is published weekly, with longer end-of-term reviews published at the end of each term.

## Controversies

### Are you a rape victim? quiz (2033)

In 2033, a quiz was published in a weekly edition of Cumrag with a series of inflammatory questions suggesting that RCL College suffers from a prevalent rape culture. Questions such as "Have you ever been to Mr Ben Musa's office?" were especially controversial. The quiz was condemned by Rape Victims United (RapeSoc), and was omitted from the following end-of-term review.

### Stella v. Stella

Stella v. Stella was the title of a series of erotic graphic short stories in which the bookshop cat, Stella, engaged in sexual trysts with a number of prominant school characters, including the fit computer science teacher Stella Dicks.

## Most eligible bachelor/bachelorette

Initially serious, but quickly became a bit of a joke. but then people, including parents, started taking it quite seriously and even got into fights about it.

### Top ten best Nicosia Campus fuck locations (2035)

Top 10 places to fuck at RCL
TOP 10 PLACES TO FUCK at NIC:

1) Mr Ben Musa's Office while consenting

2) Twoddley Estate (Winter Hall)

7) Rowboats store room

8) Stoli Beguinage

9) Rooty Bush

10) Mozzy Lake
Admissions Process

The RCL College Admissions Process is a five-step process, consisting of an initial application, a test, and multiple interviews.

## Steps

### First step: application form

All prospective RCL College students must fill in a comprehensive, 4-page form. They must list a number of academic and personal details, as well as compose a small personal statement.

### Second step: test

Around two-thirds of all applicants are then invited to sit an hour-long test at their schools. Although the structure generally changes between years, the test generally includes a 15-minute essay. Of those who sit the test, around 75% pass.

### Third step: first interview

By this stage, around 50% of applications have been declined (around 33% after the initial application, and a further 15-20% after the test). Applicants who are still being considered are then invited to Cyprus, where they are interviewed by an odd number (ususally 3 or 5) of staff members, who are assigned students randomly. A number of wealthy aristocrats and businesspeople were outraged one year when one of the interviewers was a cleaner at the school. Another 10% of students' applications are declined at this stage.

### Fourth step: second interview

The remaining students are invited to two seperate 15-minute interviews with Leidan Twodd and Hannibal Le Tweed. The two directors then share their notes; this step sees another half of all the remaining applications being declined (usually 1 student remains for every 4 unsuccessful applications).

### Fifth step: final interview

All remaining students are invited to an hour-long banquet with Twodd and Le Tweed, where they are each invited to make a 3-minute speech. After this banquets, all students return home to await their final results. Those successful applicants are assigned a class. Unsuccessful applicants are assigned to Class Z , or the 'missing class'.
Faruk Bostan

ta ib mc ed ve af ng sh. Popular because he’s smart and talented but downplays both things heavily. Is very chilled out, if a bit basic – the other set of popular guys, like the Cokes, steer clear. Friends with Zala

 **B**
 **C**
 **D**
 **E**
 **F**

Sexuality:            % homosexual =

% heterosexual =

Description:
Boarding Houses

Both the Nicosia and Troodos campuses offer boarding facilities: each campus has two boarding houses (one for either gender, non-binary students may camp anywhere between the two boarding houses). All students attending the Troodos Campus are boarders, whereas the Nicosia campus is home to a mix of boarding students and day students. Owing to stricter entrance requirements, boarders are generally more academically adept than day students. Furthermore, full-time campus life allows boarders to become well-connected, elusive, cultish, and vulgar. Needless to say, day students are generally very jealous.

## Nicosia Campus

The Nicosia campus is home to two boarding houses: Bollinger House, the boys' boarding house, and the Stolichnaya Beguinage, the girls' boarding house.

## Troodos Campus

The Troodos campus boys' boarding house is called Tolkien House, and the girls' is called Prattchett House.
Art and Design

**Subject brief:** RCL is the only school in Northern Cyprus to offer Aesthetics as a GCSE subject. Aesthetics is not offered as an A-Level subject.

**Department:** Art and Design

**Head of department:**Paula Taggart

**Building:** David Bowie (DAVBOW) Building

**Teachers:** Merle Figgins, Paula Taggert (Nicosia)

**GCSE overview:** GCSE art is an engaging, multi-dimensional course, which encourages students to think creatively and produce work in various media, including drawing, painting, print-work, sculpture, and photography.

**A-Level overview:** A-Level art is a challenging and stimulating course, designed to push sixth form students to their creative limits.

**Staff testimonials:** “RCL is home to some of the most gifted young artists on the island. One of our proudest talents is Lewis in year 12, who has Down Syndrome. Despite his condition, he has just completed the most astonishing painting of a blooming rose, which he saw in the Axl Rose garden.” – Ms. Allison Smith

**Student testimonials:** “I painted a massive swollen cunt.” – Lewis, Year 12
Aquatic Sports Complex

The RCL College Aquatic Centre is a state-of-the-art sports facility at the school's Nicosia campus. Opened in X, the facility comprises of an Olympic sized swimming pool, a high dive pool, a dry-land excersise studio, and a large sauna, steam room, and spa area (the meeting place of the RCL LGBT club).

The swimming and diving pools have a combined spectator capacity of 900 people.

Outdoor swimming pool with immense underground cistern incl. thermal baths, steam rooms, sauna, jacuzzi, Turkish baths, hammam....
Adrian Visconti

### GCSE Subjects

Classical Civ, English, Greek, Maths, Turkish, Biology, Physics, Geography, Art and Design, French, Philosophy, P.E.

### University

N/A

Adrian Visconti was a student at RCL College from 2034-2038. He was a champion tennis player for the school.
His mother works in a senior position at a law firm in Limassol, and his father is a retired athlete. Adrian was popular, but his grades suffered due to his intense tennis routine. He was gay, and dated the muslim son of one of the Pakistani groundskeepers. Also fucked a shepherd.

## Iran-Conti Affair

When Adrian Visconti was a new boy in year 10, he was seduced by year 13 boy Ian Randolph. The school board were aware of the affair, but it was only after edited images of a pregnant, rosy-faced Visconti began to circulate on posters around the school that they interevened to protect Visconti's tennis reputation. The humiliated Randolph graduated shortly afterwards, but the couple have been known to get together at holidays.
Little sister: Rebecca Visconti
Classical Civilisation

**Subject brief:**

**Department:** Classics and Ancient History

**Head of department:** James Baker (Nicosia Campus), M (Troodos Campus)

**Building:** Plato Building (Nicosia Campus), Y (Troodos Campus)

**Teachers:**Ms Nigella Finley, Ms Maureen Lyon, Mr Julius Twitter, Mr Colin Ponsonby (Nicosia Campus); M, M (Troodos Campus)

**GCSE overview:**Classical Civilisation is taught as a compulsory subject at GCSE-level at both the Nicosia and Troodos campuses.

**A-Level overview:**Classical Civilisation is not offered as an A-Level subject; instead, students may choose to take a variety of other classical subjects such as Classical Studies, Classical Greek or Latin.
Humphrey Relish

Mr Relish

**Humphrey Relish** (born 15 January 1985) is the sitting Director of Staff Well-being at RCL College. He has been working at RCL since 2035.

## Tenure as DSW and Career at RCL College

Relish has been working at RCL College since 2035, when he was elected to the Board of Directors. When he is not mentoring staff members or attending board meetings, Relish can usually be found lurking near the smoking room (Relish is an ex-smoker, and enjoys the smell), supervising the hockey team's practices, and punting along the canal.

## Personal Life and Past

Relish was born in 1985 in Dorset, England, to impressively elderly parents (his mother was 49 and his father 72). Ever since his childhood, Relish has suffered from poor health; as a child, his immune system was very weak, and he was hospitalised almost monthly.

Following several heart attacks in his early 20s and a brief period of heroin addiction, Relish had to have a pacemaker installed into his heart. As a result, one of his nicknames at RCL College is 'the battery'. Another nickname, 'stalecum', is inspired by his abnormally yellow skin, as well as Relish's fruitless sex life. Relish is single, and is not known for being sexually interested in other adults. In the 2036 Charity Staff EjacuRace, Relish placed last, being unable to maintain an erection and therefore unable to ejaculate (despite being cheered on by the hockey team). This disappointing result inspired his final and most popular nickname, 'Invictus'.
College Traditions

Despite its relatively short reign as the best new European education provider in Europe, excluding Western Europe, RCL College 's intimate, intellectually vibrant school community has fostered the creation and commemoration of a number of important school traditions.

A

B

C

### **Cocaine**

Cocaine is the traditional snack of RCL College, and is enjoyed by teachers and pupils alike. A number of festivals and competitions are dedicated to the substance, such as the annual Gastronomic Society and Drugs Discussion Club joint event "Cooking with Coke".

D

E

F

G

H

I

J

K

L

M

### **Marcus Nielsen celebrations**

In the weeks before Christmas, students collect oysters that are farmed in the artificial lake by the Agricultural Society. They proceed to each swallow an oyster while it is still alive, which creates a wriggling sensation in the throat. They then chase the oyster down with a shot of cold white wine.

A couple of years ago, sixth form student Marcus Nielsen was hospitalised after failing to swallow an especially wriggly oyster. ~~This was ironic, because he was a massive homo.~~ Since then, the oyster swallowing tradition has been named after him. Students have also been advised to practise their swallowing skills in the weeks before the celebrations commence.

N

O

P
Paris Putina

Reasonably smart, but a bit dreamy. Introverted. Not much of a personality. Was very shy as a child. Loves movies, especially cheesy romances set in Paris. Dad is called Ratmir and is from Moscow. He had a crush on Paris Hilton as a teenager, hence the name. His wife doesn't know this; neither does Paris, who assumes she was named after the city. Her parents are generally quite strict and awful.

## RCL College Career

### Class Ranks

6th/14, 19th/84 (Year 12)6th/14, ?/98 (Year 13)

### University

Film Studies with Philosophy at Liverpool

## Personality and Skills

### Languages Spoken

Russian (5), English (4), French (3), Greek (2), Turkish (1)
Namra Siddiqui

### Clubs

Community Services Initiative, Debating Society, Pétanque Club, Pottery Club, Quiz Team

### GCSE Subjects

Biology (A\*), Physics (A\*), Mathematics (A\*), English (A\*), Geography (A\*), Computer Science (A\*), Design and Technology (A\*), Drama (A\*), Philosophy (A\*), Psychology (A\*), Spanish (A\*), Turkish (A\*)

### A-Level Subjects

Further Mathematics (A\*), Geography (A\*), Philosophy (A\*), Politics (A\*), Spanish (A\*)

### University

PPE at Oxford

Well rounded comedy debater charismatic quick on feet genius.

## Personality and Behavioural Habits

Does not drink alcohol as she is a practicing Sunni Muslim. She tends not to do drugs either, but is partial to the occasional weed edible.
Siddiqui is bubbly and fun, but also very focussed.

## Achievements and Awards

### Awards

In 2031, Siddiqui was the first recipient of the prestigious Twoddley Scholarship, which was created after she sent the school an email asking about scholarship opportunities.
Board of Directors

The RCL College Board of Directors consists of fourteen trustees, who are ranked in a hierarchy as follows:

Board of directors (eg Finance Officer does loads of jobs, incl AP supervisor, accounts, accounts receivables director, accountant, prchasing officer) Foreign affairs lady does admissions. Who does marketing, digital media etc? Who does HR and facilities? Maintanence and logistics?
Joe Budden Society

Joe Budden Society stamp

The Joe Budden Society ("J-BUS") is a secret society run by students at RCL College. It is comprised of fourteen members, one for each of the votes Joseph Budden received in the 2026 student elections.

## Stamp

The stamp depicts 14 lines, each representing a member of the society. In the center is a closed scroll, which symbolises the society's commitment to ~~snorting coke~~ secrecy and wisdom. The Roman numerals XXXV respresent the 35% vote that Joe Budden received in the 2026 election.  ~~They most definitely do not resemble swastikas.~~
Drama

**Subject brief:** RCL is the only school in Northern Cyprus to offer Aesthetics as a GCSE subject. Aesthetics is not offered as an A-Level subject.

**Department:** Drama

**Head of department:** Ms. Adeline Gothippie

**Building:** David Bowie (DAVBOW) Building

**Teachers:** Ms. Adeline Gothippie, Mr Oliver Sacks

**GCSE overview:** In GCSE-level Drama, students are able to channel their inner feelings through the medium of creative theatre. Incidentally, 9 out of every 10 GCSE Drama students is a massive faggot.

**A-Level overview:** A-Level Drama is basically the same as GCSE, except that heterosexual-identifying students are actually barred from taking the course.

**Staff testimonials:** “As a teacher, I like to foster a creative environment for students. In order to encourage inspiration, I usually light some incense, drop a couple of tabs of acid, then watch the kids pretending to have sex with each other”– Ms. Adeline Gothippie

**Student testimonials:** “I think I might be gay.” – Neil, Year 10
Bookstore (Nicosia Campus)

The Student Building Bookstore sells textbooks as well as a number of reference and fiction titles. The bookstore is home to a cat, Stella.

## Drugs dispensary controversy

In 2036, rumours circulated that illicit substances were being sold to students and staff members at the bookstore. Allegedly, customers would request certain titles and receive illegal drugs instead. A list of purported titles can be found below:
Latin

**Subject brief:**At RCL College, Latin is offered at all levels at both campuses.

**Department:** Classics and Ancient History

**Head of department:** James Baker(Nicosia Campus), M (Troodos Campus) - same as Classical Civ.

**Building:**Plato (Nicosia), Y (Troodos)

**Teachers:**Dr Kiara Lovehandles, Ms Maureen Lyon, James Baker, Jonathan Withnall  (Nicosia Campus); M, M (Troodos Campus)

**GCSE overview:**Available at both campuses.

**A-Level overview:**Available at both campuses.

**Staff testimonials:**

**Student testimonials:** “Oink Oink.” – Damien, Year 13, Pig Latin
Archaeological Society

Laura Kemp was expected to become pres, new boy from Brazil comes in and everyone finds him hot and cool, he wins president, Laura gets pissed and has a fit, threatens to resign but then he fucks her and she stays, falls in love with him. But he's too much of a hot bisexual player to get comitted. She gets addicted to drugs.

## 2032

President: Bezelye Tuna

## 2033

President:

Vice-President: Laura Kemp

Bookkeeper: Rudolph Grey

## 2034

President: Renato Barbosa

Vice-President: Laura Kemp

Marketing and Events Manager:

Treasurer: Rudolph Grey

Bookkeeper:

## 2035

President: Renato Barbosa

## 2036

Bookkeeper: Arthur Campbell

## 2037/8

President:

Vice-President: Arthur Campbell

## 2038/9

President: Arthur Campbell
Marine Duval

Marine Duval is the International Communications Director. Hailing from France, she is proficient in at least eight languages.

## Language Proficiency

Native: French

Proficient: English, German

Advanced: Russian, Dutch

Upper Intermediate: Spanish, Italian

Intermediate: Mandarin Chinese, Portuguese, Turkish

Elementary: Japanese, Greek

Beginner: Korean, Arabic

## Personal Life

Duval is married to X, who lives with her. X does translation work online, and earns significantly less than his spouse. He is her bitch. Duval has two children from three previous marriages. Duval lives in Nicosia, and drives a Mercedes cabriolet.
Gaylord Dickson

Full name Gaylord Dickson-Gaylord III. His father, Gaylord Dickson-Gaylord Jr., was the grandson of Winfield Romeo Gaylord, the Wisconsin Senator.

 **B**
 **C**
 **D**
 **E**
 **F**

Classical Civilisation (A)

English (A)

Greek (B)

Mathematics (A)

Turkish (C)

Biology (A)

Chemistry (A)

Ancient History (A)

Drama (A)

German (A\*)

Business Studies (A\*)

Economics (A)

Latin (B)

Sexuality:            % homosexual =

% heterosexual =

Description: