Poison!

Poison! is the second chapter in the Wombles Two.

Back at the concert David was looking for her.  Venus sung about it.

“Dr David Keel is a very smokey man, So he’s really quite smelly but does what he can, Really loves Tara but she’s in love with Steed, David don’t be jealous cos jealousy’s like a weed, Oh where is your Tara, Where could she be, Is she with Steed or about to sing with me?”

A man that looked like he was made of metal struggled out of a burrow in yellowstone park.  He hopped onto a bus that drove to a beach, got out, hopped onto a boat, rowed it to England, hopped onto a bus which went to London, went to Wimbledon Common and leapt down a hole into a burrow.  The entrance that he used was a fire exit which hadn’t been used for years, so when he came down at the bottom he was covered in soot.  Cathy came in and looked at him.  “Hello black man, who are you?” she asked.  “A man of the highest honour.” Replied the man who seemed to be made of metal. “Oh ok honourable black man.” Said Cathy.  “But what is your real name?”  “Rick.” Lied the man who seemed to be made of metal.  “Oh.” Said Cathy.  “Would you like me to do something?”  “Yes.” Replied the man.  “Pat me.” So just as Cathy was about to pat Rick who isn’t Rick, MacWomble came in with his knees bent.  “Why are your knees bent?” asked Cathy.  “I had some of Steed’s gooseberry cider, and now I can barely stand up.” Replied the MacWomble.

Cathy saw Great again Uncle Bulgaria and looked confused.  “Why is he green?” she asked.  Mother answered “Well you see he had a splendid helping of gooseberry cider!” “Oh” said Cathy “but how because he couldn’t have done that without being woken by true loves kiss!”  “I dealt with that little problem.” Said a stern voice behind Cathy.  It was Miss Adelaide.  “You see I love Bulgaria!  I always did and you young lady must go to womblegarten!”  Cathy tried to say no but Miss Adelaide made any womble or person feel that they had to go there.  Mother interjected “Now my dear womble!  Enough of all that because Cathy hasn’t tried the gooseberry cider!”  Miss Adelaide clicked her fingers and sent Mother and Cathy to the womblegarten to do a spelling test.  They failed because they had already drunk too much brandy and sherry. So they had go to bed early with the womblets.

The man made of black metal, called Rick, was creeping through the burrow with a dart gun.  He hated wombles unless they were stuffed. As he entered the womblegarten he fired a dart.  It went into Miss Adelaide.  He grabbed her and headed out across the common.  About a mile past Queen’s Mere he moved some earth aside to reveal a very old door.  It opened with a creak.  In he went with the sleeping Miss Adelaide.  The metal man walked through an earthy passage that looked like an old mine. There were glass display cabinets along the side of the passage.  Each one had a name engraved into the wooden base.  They had the names Orinoco, Bungo, Bulgaria, Tomsk, Tobermory, Welllington, Cholet, Murrumbidgee, Shansi, China, Alderney, Idaho, Yellowstone, Tokyo, Gartok, Cairngorm amongst others.  One of the cabinets had Adelaide written on it!

Cathy and Mother saw the strange metal man take Miss Adelaide and immediately got out of bed and back to the party.  Cathy poured herself a lovely big glass of gooseberry cider.  Mother started thumping a table chanting “down in one, down in one”. They all joined in (except for Bulgaria who was unconscious) and the chanting got louder.  Cathy did down the cider in one.  After that she said “eurroreruegh” then fell on the floor. Luckily the cider was finished now but everybody had to help to put Cathy back in bed.  Nobody noticed the metal man taking Not-so-well Uncle Bulgaria out of the burrow, across the common and into the old burrow.

Later, Cathy woke up. “What happened?” she asked herself. She went back to the party and tapped Mother on the shoulder.  “Oh, hello!” said Mother.  “What is it?” “Well… why was I in bed?”  “You drank Steed’s gooseberry cider.” Replied Mother.  Cathy was confused.  “Are you trying to say that Steed poisoned me?”  “Well, in a way, I suppose, but…”  But Cathy had already walked off.  She found Steed and threw him on the floor.  “Ow!  What was that for?” asked Steed.  The music stopped and everyone turned to stare at them.  “What do you think?” replied Cathy.  “Um…” said Steed.  “I have no idea.  Tell me you haven’t turned evil again.”  “No, you have.” Replied Cathy, and kicked him.  “Ow!  No I haven’t!” he said confused.  Cathy ignored him and kept kicking him.  Eventually she gave up the kicking and just took his bowler and hit him on the head with it.  Now Steed was unconscious!  She carried him off.

Later, he woke up in a cell with his feet set in concrete, his mouth tied up, Remember You’re A Womble playing with Cathy singing along to it loudly, whilst he was in a glass cylinder that magnified the sound, and MacWomble playing the bagpipes really loudly really badly.  “Mm! Mm mm mm mm!” wailed Steed, although he meant to say, “Hey!  You stole our trap!”  “No I didn’t! Look!” replied Cathy and wrote down “Specially designed by Mr & Mrs” then she stopped.  She scratched her head, and asked herself, “What is my surname now that I’m married to Mother?”  Mother came up and said, “Just say it’s Mother.”  “Ok Mother Mother.” Said Cathy, and wrote down, “Specially designed by Mr & Mrs Mother.”  She wrote it on the side of the glass cylinder.  Suddenly two darts flew in.  One hit Cathy and the other got through a little crack in the glass cylinder and hit Steed.  They both looked confused.  Cathy turned to Mother and said, “Who are you?”  Mother screamed and ran away.  Straight afterwards Venus came in.  She sang, “I don’t remember anything, but I think that I am a king, who are you two people in here, and why do I feel like I’ve been poked with a spear?”  When Cathy and Steed heard the lyric, “But I think that I am a king” they both bowed.  Then they replied to the lyric, “Who are you two people in here”.  “I’m not sure but I think I’m a Mother.” Was Cathy’s reply.  Steed’s reply was “I’m not sure either but I think I’m a Steed.”  Then he went round neighing.  Venus wondered how she could be a king when she was female.  Cathy wondered where her child was if she was a Mother.

Back in the old womble burrow, a telephone rang.  The metal man answered it.  “Hello?” The reply came, “This is Ronda calling Peter.  I repeat. Ronda calling Peter.”  “Enough chatting and get to the point!” snapped Peter. “Well, you remember Emma, right?” “How would I not?”  “You see, since you and her broke up, well, she’s been going off with Steed.  You remember him?”  “Yes. But I’ll probably convince her to leave him.”  “I doubt it. She’s married him!” “What?!?!”  “I said, she’s married him.”  “I know what you said.  In that case, instead of just wombles, I’ll have Steed stuffed as well!”  “You want to stuff a human?”  “Yes.  Get me my darts.  NOW!”

Cathy was still bowing. “Can you get up please?  After all, we don’t know for sure that I’m a king.” Said Venus.  Cathy ignored her, so Venus kicked her.  The kick was so hard that Cathy ended up landing on a cloud!  There was a strange monster on it.  When it saw Cathy it said, “Hey!  You!  Get off of my cloud!”  Cathy looked over the edge.  “It’s a rather far drop.” She said, but started walking towards it anyway.  She stopped at the end of the cloud, as she didn’t want to die.  “Go on!” said the monster.  “It’s only one step beyond!”  So Cathy closed her eyes and jumped.  She fell into Mother’s arms.  He was wearing his bowler hat.  Cathy took it off of him and threw it down a drain then thanked him for catching her.

Mother and Cathy looked for Steed.  They had both regained their memories.  “Where is Steed?” asked Mother.  “I don’t know!” snapped Cathy “I thought Mother knows best!”.  “Well I do” said Mother “usually but not this time.”. “Hang on” said Cathy “We must have let him out”.  “What’s this?” asked Mother.  It was a forget-me-dart.  “It’s a forget-me-dart, Peter Peel!  Who are you?” shouted Cathy.  “I’m, I’m, er not sure.  Ask Mother because Mother does know best!”.