Resident Treevil

### Characters (in order of appearance)

Professor Clerman, The Commander, Forescore Jones, Space Tree, The Christophers, Space Tree's Date

## Credits

### Credits

db terjesen

Forescore Jones, a hunter of the Un-dead, stalks Space Tree for a week to find out if he really did come back to life, or if he is some kind of blood-sucking zombie vampire ape-wolf.

## Transcript

*(open to Clerman ("Allon") and the Commander with drinks)*

**CLERMAN:** So, then I told him, "Carburetor Tech-9? More like Carburetor Tech-19!" Am I right?

**COMMANDER:** Yeah, I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but you're probably right.

**CLERMAN:** Well, it's quite- AAH!

*(he gets shot in the head with a tranquilizer dart)*

**COMMANDER:** Oh, my god! You just killed Allon!

*(Forescore Jones enters)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** Son, I may have just saved his damn life.

**COMMANDER:** Either way's fine.

**FORESCORE JONES:** *(points tranq gun at Commander)* Is your name Space Tree?

**COMMANDER:** Well, uh, depends. Did he win something?

**FORESCORE JONES:** Yeah, he won my foot up his *(echoing)* ASS.

**COMMANDER:** Oh, well, Space Tree's right over there. He's the one who looks like a tree.

*(cut to Space Tree at the chalkboard)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** Space Tree the Space Tree, you are under arrest for crimes against the living. Prepare to be-

*(Space Tree knocks away his gun)*

**SPACE TREE:** Ho! You'll have to catch me first!

*(he runs away)*

*(cut to Space Tree and Forescore Jones running through the ship, looking happy at the screen; theme music plays in the background. "Space Tree" and "Forescore Jones" appear, followed by "in". The title card, "You'll Have to Catch Me First", slides past. After more running, Forescore stops, looks around, then shoots Space Tree with the tranquilizer gun)*

*(roll REAL opening credits)*

*(cut to Space Tree, tied up)*

**SPACE TREE:** This is actually the most comfortable I've been in months.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Shut up, you filthy *(echoing)* SCUM!

**SPACE TREE:** Scum? Jeez That's uncalled for. Who are you, anyway?

**FORESCORE JONES:** The name's Forescore Jones. Hunter. *(close-up to his face)* *(echoing)* OF THE UN-DEAD

**SPACE TREE:** Undead? So, uh you mean the living?

**FORESCORE JONES:** No, that'd be non-dead. I'm talkin' about *(close-up to his face) (echoing)* THE UN-DEAD.

**SPACE TREE:** yeah yeah i get that and you think I'm one of them right?

**FORESCORE JONES:** Well, it's recently been REPORTED that you were somehow RESURRECTED from your SO-CALLED AFTERLIFE.

**SPACE TREE:** Oh, so you got that memo I sent out, then.

**FORESCORE JONES:** So, which one is it, tree-man? You're either a zombie, a vampire, a mummy, a werewolf, a zombie, a succubus, or even a *(close-up echo)* DAMN DIRTY APE.

**SPACE TREE:** Uh, you said zombie twice.

**FORESCORE JONES:** *(echo)* **THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S THE WORST ONE OF ALL!!!**

**SPACE TREE:** No way, a vampire is way worse than a zombie.

**FORESCORE JONES:** *(echo)* SO YOU ADMIT IT!

**SPACE TREE:** Admit what?!

**COMMANDER:** Look, Mr. Hunter, I already did this exact interrogation when he came back to life, and his story checks out, so maybe I have what it takes to be one of you guys you know, one of you hunters. *(close-up, weak echo)* *OF THE UN-DEAD.*

**FORESCORE JONES:** I'm sorry, kid, you don't have the magic in you. *(whispering)* And you never did...

*(he pushes the Commander to the ground, and shoots him with tranquilizers 38 times)*

**SPACE TREE:** ... So, uh what happens now then?

**FORESCORE JONES:** Well, according to protocol, I will have to spend one week monitoring your e-ve-ry move. And when you slip up and reveal your true un-dead identity, *(he stops shooting Commander)* your tree ass is mine. Oh, yes. It's mine all right. *(whispers)* It'll be MINE.

**-DAY ONE-**

*(cut to Space Tree at the Captain's Club)*

**SPACE TREE:** Hey, guys, I'll take one of those drinks.

**CHRISTOPHER 2:** Here you go, Space Tree.

**FORESCORE JONES:** What, are you servin' BLOOD?!

**CHRISTOPHER 2:** No, I-

**FORESCORE JONES:** You're serving blood to vampires, aren't you? HUH? Aren't you?!

**CHRISTOPHER 2:** No!

**FORESCORE JONES:** Are you an un-dead supporter? Are you?

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** No.

**FORESCORE JONES:** You're an un-dead supporter, aren't you.

**CHRISTOPHER 2:** No, I- I- Run for it, Chris! AAA!

**-DAY TWO-**

*(Space Tree enters covered in toilet paper)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** So, you're a mummy! I knew it!

**SPACE TREE:** No, no. Some kid just threw toilet paper all over me.

*(Commander enters, with tons of tranquilizer darts shot into him)*

**COMMANDER:** He's lying! GET HIM!

**-DAY THREE-**

*(Forescore Jones is behind a sales counter, surrounded by merchandise, wearing a fake moustache)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** Zombie merchandise for sale, and it can only be sold to zombies. You, sir, would you like to buy some zombie pants? Or maybe a zombie hat? Every purchase comes with free zombie fries!

**SPACE TREE:** Uh, no.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Damn it! FOILED AGAIN!

**-DAY FIVE?-**

*(FJ is playing a guitar)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** *(singing)* If you're a werewolf, and you know it, clap your hands...

**SPACE TREE:** ...

**FORESCORE JONES:** ...

**SPACE TREE:** I don't even have hands!

**COMMANDER:** He's lying! GET HIM!

**-DAY SIXISH-**

*(Space Tree is on a date)*

**SPACE TREE:** So, uh what do you say I show you a little Space Odyssey? Eh?

*(F to the J punches his date to the ground)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** Don't do it! He's a zombie tryin' to suck your blood!

**SPACE TREE:** *(sighs)*

**DATE:** You're a zombie? That is such a turn-off.

**SPACE TREE:** You know, this is getting kind of annoying.

**-DAY AND SO...-**

*(cut to Space Tree and Forescore Jones, surrounded by all the cast members)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** Well, Space Tree, looks like your story checks out. You're free to go, but I'm gonna be keepin' a close watch on you.

**SPACE TREE:** As soon as you leave this ship, I'm gonna hyperdrive stasis far away from you.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Fair enough.

*(roll end credits)*

## Easter Eggs

* On Day 5 (i.e., the "If you're a werewolf & you know it, clap your hands" segment), click on Space Tree to see a friend of his; a werewolf wearing a sleeveless shirt with a 42 on it.

## Fun Facts

* Forescore's business card reads "Note to self: Make business cards -FJ".
* First episode featuring Forescore Jones.
* The commentary track makes it clear that space tree and Forescore Jones are voiced by the same person.
* During the final scene, after the title 'DAY AND SO...', Professor Clerman can briefly be seen unconscious in lower right-hand corner of the screen, implying that he's been this way throughout the entire episode.

## References

* "Resident Treevil" is an obvious reference to the Resident Evil franchise.
* The "You'll Have To Catch Me First" titles that appear are possibly a reference to the movie "Catch Me If You Can" as it has a similar color scheme to the movie's trade mark titles, and the sound of an airplane plays as they appear.
* "...or even a *damn dirty ape!*" refers to an infamous line from Planet Of The Apes: "Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty apes!".
* Christopher 2 is wearing a bandage around his head, implying he may have stabbed himself in the brain again like we saw him do in Space Girlfriend. The broken wine glass may be the same one Christopher 1 smashed in Desert Space.

## Commentary Track

**With Forescore Jones and the Commander**

(Found on the March 2006 Secret Page)

**FORESCORE JONES:** Hey, what's up? My name is Forescore Jiggity Jones, and, uh, we're doin' this commentary for like the 10th time because we freaked it up all the other times.

**COMMANDER:** Yeah, well... we didn't *really*... we just wanted to start again so we could make better comments.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Yeah. Like what?

**COMMANDER:** Like this! Um... That's me on the left and you just, like, shoved the gun into my chest, but I've really got this padding there, so, otherwise, you- you would've stabbed me like in the chest and-

**FORESCORE JONES:** Yeah. I would've like jammed the gun into ya be-because I'm so friggin' strong. I would've really shoved it right through your ribs. And your spine. Like in your blood... a- and your lungs and your heart... You'd be bleeding all over the place.

**COMMANDER:** Yeah. I remember- I remember that outtake where you, like, you missed my chest and accidentally stabbed me in the face.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Yeah-heh-heh. Hoh, yeah, that was pretty funny, though. You, like, bled all over the place, and... that's actually, yeah. Luckily my shirt's red so the blood doesn't really show.

**COMMANDER:** Well, yeah, I'd imagine you'd get a lot of blood on there... during your... "work" or whatever.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Yeah. What's with the- What's with the air quotes when you said "work there"?

**COMMANDER:** I don't know. I- I just felt like doing it.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Yeah, well, don't friggin' imply that my job is easy, all right? Cuz it's not.

**COMMANDER:** I know! I mean, I could do it, though. I wanted to be a zombie assistant, or whatever. Like, I say it in the scene coming up, but you wouldn't let me.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Well, I- Like I told you. You gotta be born a zombie hunter. You gotta have the blood. You- sorry, I just knocked something over. You gotta have the magic- the blood... of the zombie hunter inside you.

**COMMANDER:** You sound like you don't even know what you're talking about.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Shut up, all right? We're... *(sighs)* Look... just lemme listen to this scene.

**COMMANDER:** *(laughs)* Well, we're supposed to be commenting on it, but... look at that background. That's pretty weird.

**FORESCORE JONES:** No, it's not, all right? I can do that because I'm cool. But, I mean, like I was sayin'... *(breathes)*

**COMMANDER:** Oh, wait, wait, here's me! Shut up!

**FORESCORE JONES:** *(breathes again)*

**COMMANDER:** See, like I'm sayin'! I could do your freaking job. I friggin' seen- I've seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so I know somethin'.

**FORESCORE JONES:** You don't know anything, all right? And like, Buffy the Vampire Slayer? They don't know their crap at all. They- I worked on that show, so I know.

**COMMANDER:** You didn't work on it!

**FORESCORE JONES:** I did! I- I wasn't in the credits, but, you know, I'd occasionally call them up every week and tell them about the mistakes they made with- th- th- mythology... but, uh...

**COMMANDER:** Well, like what?

**FORESCORE JONES:** Well, like- like that guy Angel. He's a vampire, right? But... *(laughs)* there's this one episode where he... he like drinks a carton of milk, and... you know, in real life, if a vampire drank a carton of milk... I don't have to tell you what would happen.

**COMMANDER:** Y- Yeah, you sure don't.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Well, I- I will anyway. They would die, is one thing. They frickin' implode... from, like, the milk. From... uh...

**COMMANDER:** From, what, the tryptophan?

**FORESCORE JONES:** How do you know what that word is?

**COMMANDER:** I don't know. I don't really have a good vocabulary... usually.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Yeah, whatever. But, uh, that's true. If a vampire drank a carton of milk, that'd be like the end of the friggin' series. So, they screwed it up there.

**COMMANDER:** Were we supposed to be commenting on the actual episode, or what?

**FORESCORE JONES:** I don't know. You keep... look at the way Space Tree's standing behind the... thing there? It looks kinda weird.

**COMMANDER:** ... Yeah, that's a good comment. Nice hat.

**FORESCORE JONES:** You see my fake moustache? Like, on top of my nose, for some reason? S'kinda weird.

**COMMANDER:** Do you really play guitar, or what?

**FORESCORE JONES:** Yeah, all the time, man. I play the drums, too. And, uh, trumpet.

**COMMANDER:** Yeah, I think there's a trumpet in the next episode.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Who's that character?

**COMMANDER:** I don't know. Who is she?

**FORESCORE JONES:** I musta- I musta killed her when I punched her in the face, cuz she never appeared again. Oh, wait, never mind, she's OK.

**COMMANDER:** She didn't sound like much of a girl, though.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Well, does anyone in this cartoon?

**COMMANDER:** ... Yeah. Allon kinda does.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Everyone sounds like a friggin' zombie.

**COMMANDER:** Yeah, well, that's a good comment, you know? I didn't expect you to say that. Cuz you never talk about zombies.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Yeah. Good one. Yeah, well, the toilet paper looked pretty good.

**COMMANDER:** Yeah, whatever. We're finished now. Let's go.