180: Nobody Could Be Happy In a Cave

## Summary

Inside the lair, Will disguises the party as lizardfolk, and they begin sneaking around in search of Chilchirah. The lizardfolk they do come across seem scared and hungry and the idea of stirring up a rebellion forms in their heads. After cleverly hiding the contents of the armory, the group eventually reach the end of the line when their pathway is blocked by a locked wooden gate.

## Synopsis

Having swum down through a hole in the riverbank, the party find themselves coming up again into an air pocket inside the bank. They climb up into a dirt packed tunnel. It's been constructed in such a way that the tunnel itself is not filled with water. Will comes up after the others, spluttering, still looking like a lizardfolk, having cast *Disguise Self* before he jumped in. The passageway is 10 foot wide, ending in a stout wooden door on hinges made of hemp rope. Dew quietly opens it.

They peek round the corner and discover a larger room (see "1" on the map below) where voices are speaking quietly in draconic ahead. Batthwack relays to the party what's being said: *"Where's that hunting party? They should be back by now. Chilchirah's gonna be hungry, and he's gonna take it out on us if we don't have any food to give to him."* There are at least three or more lizardfolk.

Not knowing how large this place is and how many lizardfolk are around, Will suggests they don't start any fights. He offers to disguise everyone as lizardfolk, but the tricky thing is he can't change their overall size. It's decided that Raphina will take the role of a lizardfolk child, carried by Dew. Will casts *Seeming* on everyone, stretching Brom as much as possible. Captain Clockface is also transformed into a lizard child. Pippa is stowed safely in Raphina's Lanky Pack. Batthwack is nominated to go first and do all the talking as he's the only one who can speak draconic. As the group move down the passageway, five lizardfolk come into view. Two turn to look at them. They look tired and gaunt, but don't seem to take much interest in the party; it seems as though the disguises have worked.

   The passageways are well-constructed and made of rough packed dirt. They look well traversed. The party arrives at a T-intersection with a door in the middle. Dew watches the west hallway while Brom covers the east so that Batthwack can listen at the door. Having not heard anything he goes into what is a long large room (2), containing several long tables of rough-hewn wood, placed end to end in the centre of the hall. There's no one here. Wooden benches run along each side, and at the south end of the table is a large wooden chair. Cloth banners with crocodile heads on them are hung on the walls flanking the main chair. There's four slightly smaller chairs that flank it, two on each side facing the table. They get a sense that this room was previously used as a banquet hall, but it doesn't seem like anybody's been in here of late. It's dusty and dank and musty and gives the impression of having fallen into disuse. There's a door at the far south end of the hall.

Totting up the places at the table they reckon there's room for about 25-30 lizardfolk, with one special place at the head, plus the four special seats. The group wonder if this indicates the size of the population here. Dew asks Brom if the lizardfolk that attack their village were always so emaciated as those they passed at the entrance. He's not sure, but it's possible. Raphina examines the table and finds some abandoned cutlery under the table.

The southern door opens up onto a hallway stretching to the left and to the right. To the left it ends in another wooden door, which Will is convinced will be the kitchen. As Dew approaches, he hears the yells and grunts of a fight behind it (3). Dew carefully opens the door and spies a lizardfolk with his back to the door, shaking his sword in the air and yelling to the sound of swords and shields clashing. He's seems to be encouraging the others. There's a lot more lizardfolk. They sneak away to avoid being spotted.

Following the passageway to the right it opens into a larger area with large double wooden doors to the left (4). The hallway also continues on further towards the east. Listening at the double doors Will hears high pitched laughter, but it's too far away to discern much else. This is concerning to Will. *"Nobody can be happy in a cave,"* he says. *"Dew, listen, let me teach you something. If somebody is laughing in a cave, that is dangerous to approach, that's what I've always said in my life."*

They continue on to a fork and take the left passage. It rounds a corner, and they come upon a door on the right as the passage continues on ahead. Having heard nothing at this door they sneak in, finding nobody inside (5). Will nervously checks that Brom is still following them and hasn't been left behind. They're disconcerted to find the carcass of an adult male hobgoblin in the corner of this room. Hanging from hooks in the ceiling are six animal carcasses of various shapes and sizes. On a table is a shark and a giant luminescent lobster. Against the south wall are four open barrels and a lidless wicker basket. The barrels contain apples, pears, mixed nuts and one contains the carcass of a giant constrictor snake pickled in brine. Will is appalled. He tosses Raphina a nut and she catches it in her mouth. Against the west wall the party finds three clay jars filled with light, edible oil, a wooden chest containing wild herbs and a sealed barrel full of salt. Against the east wall is a large wooden cage in which squawk a dozen irritable waterfowl. There's another door to the north. Searching the hobgoblin's body, Batthwack finds an old rusty dagger.

Dew hears low unintelligible conversation coming from the north door (6). There are more than two voices. *"Did you hear that there was a raid on an airship? The families... Chilchirah devoured their children!"* says one voice. *"Oh, that's terrible,"* says another. The party begin to wonder if the lizardfolk might actually be happy about it if the group were to take down Chilchirah. Will's mind turns to stirring up a rebellion and reminds Batthwack, *"You are the king guy. Right? You know, remember when that happened in the Amber Temple, Batthwack? Something about the kingmaker."* He suggests that Batthwack, the only draconic speaker, might inspire the lizardfolk to rebel using his kingly-ness. He also suggests a convoluted system using his *Message* spell, such that the rest of them can follow the conversation. Batthwack isn't convinced. They decided to keep exploring.

They reach another intersection and another door (6). Listening here they suspect they hear the same voices that had been overheard previously and decide this must be another entrance to the same room. They go north and get to an X-shaped intersection, creep up the north-western corner and reach a door. There's another door to the southeast, and then a passageway to the north.

They listen at the south east door and hearing nothing, slip in (7). The room is empty of lizardfolk and appears to be an armory, with shields of all sizes hanging on the walls, javelins stacked in wooden racks against the north wall and three large wooden chests lining the east wall. They open the chests and find 10 long swords in one, 10 clubs in the another and 10 morning stars in the last one. Batthwack replenishes his javelins. Will suggests hiding the weapons in another room and they decide to carry on looking around and see if there's anywhere suitable.

They go across the passageway to the northwest finding another door down the left fork (8). They slip in to find the room vacant. A wooden table with two wooden chairs stands in the centre of the room. A wooden bowl containing apples sits on the table. Against the west wall, a brass bound wooden chest rests at the foot of a single bed. Though the room doesn't feel disused, the bed doesn't appear to have been slept in recently and is unmade.

They press on further up the northern passageway and find it splits again to the left and to the right, both forks ending in wooden doors (9) and (10). Dew and Raphina listen to the north door hearing nothing, and Batthwack listens to the east door where he hears muttering beyond, faint enough that he can't make it out. Dew quietly opens the door to the north room (9) and finds more quarters. There's a bed, a table and a chest. On the bed sits a lizardfolk warrior in scale armour, sharpening his sword. As soon as the door is open a crack, he leaps up and hisses at Dew, sword in his hand. Dew hurriedly gestures an apology, bows and backs away closing the door.

The party continue northeast and find a passage on the left, opening to a room without a door (10), where they can see a couple of straw mattresses and beyond that, darkness. Further up the northeast passageway they realise they've circled back to where they entered the lair. They decide to go back and hide the weapon chests in the empty room with the unmade bed (8). Batthwack staggers along, carrying a chest on his own. Brom and Dew carry another. Will helps as best he can. They stack them up round the wrong way and cover them with a blanket from the bed.

The party continue northeast past the lair entrance and find a door to the south (11) where they hear various individuals speaking in draconic. Dew had suspected this was the same room where he'd heard fighting before, but now isn't sure. Batthwack listens. *"I heard that on the airship there was a dragonborn. Can you believe it?"* *"Oh my!"* *"Do you think... Do we have something to worry about?"* *"No, no, there's plenty of us. I mean, I mean, I think probably 10 of us can take on a dragonborn. What do you think?"* *"I don't know."* Batthwack's feeling pretty smug with the way they're talking about him. He heard at least three lizardfolk, one of whom had a very deep voice, but it seems there were more that couldn't be heard.

They keep moving east and find another place where the passageway forks in two directions, one to the north and one to the south. Dew and Raphina head up the north branch, finding another door, so head back to the others. The south passage ends in another door, which Batthwack listens at. Brom seems nervous, which annoys Will, who can't understand why he's here. Dew quietly goes in, finding a vacant room with a plain wooden table and a wooden chair set against the south wall (12). On the table there's a wooden bowl and there's a single bed that stands against the east wall. There's a wooden chest sitting at the foot of the bed. Around the corner is another door, listening at which, Dew hears similar voices to the previous room (11). Will enters the room and is unsurprised to find that it's not to his standards. Seeing the chest, he opens it to find a dagger in a scabbard, some articles of clothing similar to what the lizardfolk have been wearing, and a small coin purse containing 25 electrum pieces. He leaves this here because he considers stealing from someone who lives in a cave to be beneath him.

Returning to the door along the north passage, they sneak in to find another room (13). These chambers are relatively pleasant. The furniture is higher quality and there's a wooden table standing in the centre of the room with four chairs around it. There's a gleaming bowl sitting on the table and a small closed cask in the southeast corner, upon which stands an unlit lantern and a goblet. At the south end of the room is another door, which leads to an adjoining room (14), with a single bed/cot set against the east wall featuring a rug beneath it made of a lion skin. In the southwest corner of the room is a brass-bound wooden chest, its lid closed and secured with a heavy metal padlock. They realise that without Nick, no-one in the party has lock-picking skills. Dew says *"My adoptive family would have would have known a lot about lock picking,"* as he rummages through his pack for his crowbar before regretfully recalling it was stolen by Ricardo Ulysses. Raphina suggests Batthwack should try opening the chest with brute force. He locks his hands into it and begins to strain hard when suddenly there is a sickening crack. He's broken one of his fingers. Raphina and Dew come to his aid with splints and herbs for the pain, which helps, but his hand is going to be out of action for a little while. They decide they have to leave the chest, as they have no silent way to open it.

Carrying on around the corner to the north, the hallway continues until they reach a wooden gate barring their way (15). It reaches from floor to ceiling, and is hinged at the walls and locked in the centre. Will thinks he can hear voices echoing down the passage beyond the gate. Without any way to pick the lock (Raphina offers the safety pin she uses to hold up her socks) or break the bars silently, the party decide to back track to the pantry room (8) and try a new direction.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes KT. Listening at some double doors Will hears high pitched laughter, but it's too far away to discern much else. This is concerning to Will. *"Nobody can be happy in a cave"* he says. *"Dew, listen, let me teach you something. If somebody is laughing in a cave, that is dangerous to approach, that's what I've always said in my life."*

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured Eric doing a recap to the tune of *Going Up The Country* by Canned Heat:

*[Verse 1]*

I'm goin' up the river, baby, don't you wanna go?

I'm goin' up the river, baby, don't you wanna go?

I'm goin' to someplace I've never been before

*[Verse 2]*

I'm goin', I'm goin' where the lizardfolk poop tastes like poop

I'm goin' where the poop tastes like poop

We can jump in the water, be scared goin' all the time

*[Flute Solo]*

*[Verse 3]*

I'm gonna fly over the forest, got to get away

I'm gonna fly over the forest, got to get away

Gunna turn into a bird, you know I sure can't stay

*[Bridge]*

*<Mumbles something about USA before giving up>*

## References

1. ↑ Speaking about Raphina, KT says *"How tall is she? Like three feet tall?"* Abby: *"Yep!"*
2. ↑ KT provides a description of Will's *Seeming* spell *"Fine smoky glitter-ish colour, like nail polish. I'm waving my hands through the air in front of everyone as if I'm primping them or something, as if I'm dressing them in a costume. I'm making sewing motions [...] stitching and drawing up [...] flicking back at their faces and trying to elongate them and stuff, like I'm a costume designer or something"*
3. ↑ Abby says *"I would have Nick lick this too. I miss him."*
4. ↑ See episode 120: We Have to Defeat Batthwack Now
5. ↑ Will presumably never really found Batthwack to be very charismatic, so may not be aware that Batthwack lost his kingly gift after leaving Barovia. See episode 164: A Star Trek-Themed Campaign