The Cursed Kroger

The front of the Cursed Kroger. This is a very old photo.

The Cursed Kroger (17447 Haggerty Rd, Township of Northville, MI 48168) is an SIA-recognized Location that poses a severe threat to the organization. As of December 7, 2023, it holds a Threat Level of 8/10 (Grave Danger), a Classification Level of 7 (not that secret), and a catalogue ID of 964.

The Cursed Kroger is so named because it has been the subject of *two* (yes, two now) incidents that have severely ruined past Excursions. Both of these Incidents have been catalogued on the SIA as well, although we are still writing the pages for these incidents. This Kroger was the main catalyst for the downfall of The Loss of Everything, which is considered the most disastrous Excursion in SIA history.

## Appearance

At face value, The Cursed Kroger looks just like any other Kroger. Its reviews on Google are high, the photos look good, and overall, if you didn't know the terrible truth about it, you may be inclined to come here. Alas, that is not so.

It is in the "Fateful Plaza", which is also occupied by a Barnes and Noble that SIA agent 2006Pontiac and peers have visited many times. The Barnes and Noble, fortunately, is *not* an SIA Threat. In fact, everything else in this plaza is completely harmless.

Also in this plaza is a locksmith shop, an Office Depot store, and a PetSmart. The official designated name for the plaza is the "Northville Village Center Shopping Center" - a ridiculous-sounding redundant name if you ask the SIA, but whatever. The Kroger is situated in the middle of the center wing of the plaza, off to the right of the Barnes and Noble - which happens to be next to a Mrs. Sos Math tutoring office (although the SIA always used to call it Mrs. SOS Math because of the time when he came crashing out of the store with insults being thrown around him and saw the building).

## Incident 1: The Scanner Saga

The first incident - the one that started it all - was the Scanner Saga. One day at the beginning of the Cursed Excursion, or, better known as The Loss of Everything, SIA agent 2006Pontiac went out with fellow agents to the Cursed Kroger. The following is an account of what happened, written by SIA agent 2006Pontiac:

It was 2:46 PM on a Sunday afternoon. All five of them, including Ping, were at home at his grandparents’ house. All was well at the time, and Harvey was happily chatting away with Duffy in the living room about where to eat that night. Ping was working on the windmill with his grandpa in the den, as was the custom for them around that time.

    Ping wasn’t quite sure how it happened, but the conversation in the living room about where to eat that night turned into a discussion about going to the grocery store. Duffy introduced the fact that they were low on certain foods, such as Ping’s milk, and that they should probably go to Kroger before dinner that night.

    “That sounds great,” said Harvey jovially. “We can try out the new scanners they have at the Kroger down by Six Mile and Haggerty. They just came out with those and I heard they’re really cool.”

    “Alright, when would you like to leave, then?” asked Duffy.

    “Oh, whenever is fine with me,” Harvey said. “We can go now if you want.” So Duffy summoned Ping out of the den and told him that if he wanted to come to Kroger with them, he could. Ping would regret this decision for the rest of his dilapidated life, but he said yes. Ping told his grandpa that they would continue building the windmill tomorrow, and off they went.

    The three of them pulled out of the driveway in the Charger Hellcat and sped away down the street. Little did Ping know it, but he was about to experience the first incident involving this Kroger in his lifetime. In the years that would follow, even after the Incident had been resolved[1], many more incidents involving this Kroger would result.

    They pulled into the parking lot and Harvey wheeled the car into a space. Adjacent to the Kroger was a Barnes and Noble bookstore and a camping store. It was a cheerful and bustling place on most weekdays, although at this time of day the plaza wasn’t very busy.

    The three of them ambled across the parking lot and entered the store. Inside, it wasn’t very busy either, but Harvey immediately leaped into action. He excitedly took one of the store’s scanner devices and a shopping cart and started playing with the scanner. It was a little blue phone-sized device with an array of buttons on it, much like a fat TV remote. As they shopped, Harvey would enter the PLU of the items they put into the cart, scan them on the scanner, and when they were done, their total balance would be displayed onscreen.

    Since 2018, Krogers worldwide have since discontinued this scanner thing. Ping always liked to joke that the reason they discontinued it was because Harvey and Duffy had gotten into a big fight over it. However, the main reason was simply because it just wasn’t very easy to use, and it resulted in lots of shoplifting attempts.

    Once they were finished shopping, Harvey went over to a bagging station to get the bags for their purchases. He had already fully paid for everything, but somehow Duffy disagreed. She started arguing loudly with Harvey, stating that they now had to go to an actual manned checkout line to pay for their stuff.

    “No, the whole point of these scanners is to avoid that! We don’t have to do that at all! I already paid for it on here,” said Harvey loudly.

    “But I thought—*see that sign over there?* It says you have to pay for your purchases before leaving!” screeched Duffy, so loudly that people turned their heads to look.

    “Never mind. We’re going to bag this crap, and then we’re getting out of here,” grumbled Harvey under his breath. He aggressively slammed the bags into the cart and then started walking away. With an angry sigh, Duffy followed Ping and Harvey out the door.

    From that point on, Duffy felt that she had a serious bone to pick with Harvey. They were both at each other’s throats almost the entire time since then, and the Incident had happened before either of them had time to recover. Later, when they got home, Ping’s grandparents were greeted by an angry Duffy, a disgruntled Harvey, and a frightened Ping, all of whom avoided talking with each other and tried to stay separate.

    That night, Harvey decided to sleep in the basement, since Duffy was much too upset to sleep with Harvey in the upstairs bedroom.

[1] Spoiler alert: yes, the Incident did get resolved, but not before a long wait and a gruesome pandemic. We’ll leave that story to be told another time.

That was the complete summary of Incident 1 - the Scanner Saga. If you want to read the entire account of the *Loss of Everything,* complete with cuss words and redaction, please download this PDF.

## Incident 2: The Beeping Blasphemy

Incident #2, nicknamed "The Beeping Blasphemy" by SIA agents and members, took place on Saturday, August 19th, 2023. It was situated in the middle of an Excursion to the same location in which TLOE had occurred. Bear in mind that this was many years after The Incident, and tensions between Molly, Stewart, and Harvey and Duffy had long since dissipated...or so they thought. The following is a brief description of The Beeping Blasphemy.

It was a placid evening on Saturday, August 19th. Harvey, Duffy, and Ping were out by themselves, and they were piling into their 2023 Rustler Endeavor to head over to the Cursed Kroger. Now, Ping Warderwar was well aware that they were traveling towards *the* one and only Cursed Kroger, and Ping was joking to himself that *oh* wouldn't it be *ironic* and *funny* if this Kroger trip ended in disaster, just like that last one. And little did he know that his suppositions would turn about to be true after all.

As they entered the Kroger, Harvey noticed a piece of paper taped to the front of one of the Smart Karts (the motorized ones for handicapped people). The sign said: "[redacted for your protection]." Harvey and Ping immediately broke out in laughter, cracked up by the joke on the sign. However, Duffy happened to not get the joke. Things remained lighthearted as they traveled through the store, picking up groceries as usual. However, as they left the store and returned to the car, Duffy asked Harvey "what was so funny about the sign", as she did not get the joke. *Right here* is where it all went down.

Harvey responded by saying that "if you don't even get the [redacted] joke, then there's no [redacted] point in me explaining it!" Harvey had said this very loudly, banging open the hatch of the Endeavor and hurling the groceries into the back. Ping had watched with horror as his fears about the Cursed Kroger were realized. He wasn't sure what had set Harvey off so much, but as you might imagine, Harvey's loud and cussing-filled response to Duffy's simple question turned Duffy off quite a bit -- perhaps even *more* so than Incident #1, the Scanner Saga.

On the way home, Duffy stewed in the madness, the same way she had done with TLOE and many other similar incidents in the past. As soon as they arrived home, Duffy angrily plowed her way into the house and shut herself up in the upstairs bedroom, refusing to talk to Harvey for the rest of the night. And, once again -- just like old times! -- Harvey was forced to sleep in the basement because he didn't want to be in the tense bed with Duffy. The next morning, things were still tense, with both refusing to talk to each other -- but by Sunday afternoon, things had mostly cleared up, and the three of them were able to go out the park.

Overall, Incident #2 is slightly more significant and serious than Incident #1, as it lasted for a longer time and resulted in an extended wave of madness from Duffy.