Funky.

fuck this guy in particular

## Early Life

how has natural selection not claimed you yet

### Aliases

funky, funktagon, funkmeister, sleepyhead johnson, the goddamn bottom dwelling good for nothing son of a bitch that killed michael jackson

### Affiliation

dot, owner and creator of dot's homestyle pretzels

## Appearances

### Debut

birth

this bottom-dwelling shitsucker was birthed into the world at. some point and suffered three consecutive heart attacks before launching out of the hospital at mach 10 to claim his first of many victims, that being michael jackson. now you're probably thinking, "but pzw wiki writers, didnt michael jackson die in 09?" yes! it took him a while, he's not very fast, he had 3 consecutive fucking heart attacks mach 10 for him is like 5 mph MAXIMUM for anyone else. anywho, after setting a simultaneous world record for most hot dogs eaten in 200 days and most rounds of mario kart wii played in 2 minutes, funky would set out on an unceremonious quest to actually find some people who could tolerate the rancid scent of like. lead gasoline and rotting onions i think. that radiated off his body constantly, almost like a weasel with his secretion of musks and stenches

## Time in PZW

eventually some poor sap named [NAME AND ADDRESS WITHELD BY REQUEST] grabbed funky by his incredibly large and incredibly totalitarian scrotal sack and dragged him through about 7.2394678 football fields of glass and gravel to the massive house in which pzw collectively lives. a lot of people hadnt moved in quite yet so it was basically a shed with nothing but empty trash bags and a single minifridge containing a gallon of taco bell lemonade syrup

### that was mean dawg what the fuck

shut up queer ANYWAY funky spent pretty much all of his time playing mario kart wii mods and thats basically it, which is pretty impressive considering the pzw house didnt get a functioning tv until july 2022 but im not here to talk about how cool he is im here to talk about whatever the next headline is because i cant think of anything right now

## Dude you're putting a lot of pressure on me to come up with something right now I was waiting for you to give me the okay to move ahead with the next section now im on the spot what the hell dude

thats not what this section is supposed to be titled i swear why do you always have to FUCK EVERYTHING UP you do nothing to actually serve this fucking wiki in any way you need to lose the goddamn attitude and run this shit like a real man. if you dont plan on working how youre supposed to why dont you just throw yourself off a bridge and save all of us some time

## Culver's Worship

WAIT WAIT WAIT NO DONT JUST FUCKING MOVE ON LIKE THAT. DID HE ACTUALLY FUCKING. YKNOW

YOURE NOT THE SAME GUY

TALK TO ME YOU GODDAMN FREAK

jesus christ okay uhhhhhhh

so funky really likes the fast food restaurant chain established by Craig Culver in 1984 known simply as Culver's to an unhealthy degree. like. really unhealthy. his weight is probably in the quadruple digits at this points and he shows absolutely no signs of slowing down if you dont see a culvers food item in his mouth at any given time please dial (309)-210-7147 and feed him a cheese curd before he starts melting into the dirt and perpetuating the circle of life. its like sunlight to a flower or venus fly traps to a man with an unhealthy tord obsession, it keeps him alive and kicking like a baby fawn on the savannha (however the fuck you spell that word brah idk)