Welcome to the Funhouse

## Summary

The science city of New Alice Springs offers refuge and hope for everyone. Even the pirates hot on your trail...

## Cast

* Sketchy Galore
* Jade Meadows
* Eric
* Andrea
* Actaeon
* Liquid Gold

## Mission Requirements

Collect all of the required items to unlock this mission!

1. Completed Season 1, Mission 1
2. Collected Lockbox

## Transcript

### SCENE 1: On the Shore

EXT. SHIMMERING LAKE The sound of a music festival in the background, getting closer as the scene progresses.

SKETCHY:

Good work getting clear of those pirates. Good news: We’re almost safe! Bad news:...emphasis on the ALMOST. Welcome to New Alice Springs! Essentially? Town made of Science. All of the tinkers and inventors flock to NAS. Their take is science is a universal good, or it can be again. Let’s just say once all this has calmed down, you need to come back. Place is amazing. Like living inside an ideal A fragile one. NAS is neutral. Everyone’s safe to come and trade and race here. That neutrality means even the bandits and pirates show up here but don’t worry so long as they follow the code, we’re fine. So, we’re fine! Probably. Hey, You stopped moving, is everything okay? Oh, you’ve never seen Shimmering Lake before have you? Isn’t it GORGEOUS?! When it gets hot, the flat plane shimmers with the heat and it looks like water. It was flattened in the firewalker

SFX: Two loud knocks on a door.

SKETCHY: Oh, hello Mayor. (whispers to player) Mayor Ingram is here. Be polite. Sound busy.

JADE MEADOWS: Sketchy, I need to speak to your charge. About Percy.

SKETCHY: I’m really sorry, Mayor. I know it’s his headset but

JADE MEADOWS: DAMN IT! Then where is he?! And Why does this stranger have their headset?

SKETCHY: Because Percy trusted them, Mayor. And so do I.

JADE: (Takes a lot for her to say this.) Good enough for now. (To player) I understand you carry the headset and the desalinator he developed. You need to bring them both here. Do that and you’ll be rewarded. In the meantime, you need to rest for the night. New Alice Springs is expecting you. Be safe. We’ll see you soon. Sketchy.

SKETCHY: Okay, you see the queue of people ahead of you? That’s where you’re going. They shut the city at nightfall when it’s stormy and that neutrality I was talking about? Only extends to the folks in line, so get going.

### SCENE 2: The Gates of Science City

INT: The New Alice Springs gate. Crowd is much louder. Vehicle noises. Music. Vendors. A repeated announcement or jingle we can just hear but can’t make out. Think the street scenes in Blade Runner crossed with the queue to get into a nightclub.

ERIC: Okay! Next!

SKETCHY: (On speakers through headset) Eric! Isn’t this a school night?

ERIC (laughs) Sketchy Galore! Whispering in someone new’s ear I see! How are you?

SKETCHY: I’m amazing, clearly. Now, How about you say hi to my new friend? They’re from Kettlemine. Be Nice, Eric.

ERIC: …(realizes)…I’m sorry…I hope your people come back from this…I’m Eric, Dustcap Alpha here, although I’m on guard duty while my knee heals. Sketchy called ahead, your room and board will be paid for by Coyote Skull. You have a promissory note for me? Good.

SKETCHY: Thanks, Eric. Any word on others from Kettlemine? Lord Percy maybe?

SFX: Static. Baying hounds but furious, distorted, electronic.

ACTAEON (speaking through the headset) We see you.

SKETCHY: Get off my frequency! Who is this?!

ACTAEON: Look east. Listen for my hounds.

ERIC: (At the same time as the line above) SFX: Headset noise as ERIC opens a channel to his Operator.

Go for Dustcap Alpha…One second, let me get eyes on…Confirmed. queue. Pirates. (Horrified) Coming in from the East…

SKETCHY: Eric those are wardogs! The pirates take strays and turn them into cybernetic killing machines! Get these people inside! Get them inside now!

SFX: shouts in the distance. Barking.

SFX: Headset noise as ERIC opens a channel to his Operator.

ERIC: Open door protocol. Copy. (To crowd) LISTEN UP, EVERYONE! YOUR PAPERS ARE VALID, YOU’RE ALL WELCOME! INSIDE RIGHT NOW! (To player) Been meaning to test my knee out. Stick with me. Let’s go!

### SCENE 3: Science City Rundown

INT: The new streets of New Alice Spring. Worried crowd noises. Audible, but way back in the mix is someone yelling ‘Need a guide for these trying times?! N marks the spot!’

SFX: Eric headset noise.

ERIC: (breathing hard) Crowd are inside, no further injuries reported. Dustcap Alpha on standby. (To player) Okay! That hurt! But anyway! Welcome to New Alice Springs! We’re safe here. Over there you got the racing arena, start and finish line and some AMAZING tacos. To our East, the workshop district! Just follow the smell of solder and burning eyebrows. It’s big, I know, but if you ever get a vehicle, you won’t find a better fixer for it any

SKETCHY: One second (FX: Radio being tuned.) I’m cycling frequencies to keep our new friend guessing. Eric, did you folks hold the pirates at the gate?

ERIC: (Suddenly very serious) I’m sorry, Sketchy. We can’t take sides. Doctor Cylinder’s first rule; if we don’t take sides we can’t do damage. They were let in, but they won’t do any harm.

SKETCHY: Tell that to Kettlemine!

ERIC: We do things differently here, and you folks are safe inside these walls.

SKETCHY: And outside them?

ERIC: You’re on your own. I’m sorry…damn it, look I’m off post anyway so you’ve got me, for the day. But that’s it.

SKETCHY: There’s that New Alice Springs courage.

ERIC: This is what I’m offering and this is all there is. In or out?

SKETCHY: Protect my charge at all costs. That’s straight from the mayor.

ERIC: Oh yeah, the Mayor. Who wants that box from LORD Percy so badly. Everyone knows what it is, Sketch.

SKETCHY: Eric, please.

ERIC: (Deep sigh). You owe me two drinks. GOOD drinks, Sketchy. You, Kettlemine, come with me, we’re going shopping.

### SCENE 4: Science City Couture

EXT: Street sounds. Music. Yelling. Very distantly? Dogs.

ERIC: Like a New Alice Springs native! Looking GOOD, Kettlemine!

SKETCHY: You had to buy them a silver jacket? Don’t you think that will stand out?

ERIC: Not among the other people here. Silver is the color of the city! It’s like wearing tomorrow!

SKETCHY: Good GRIEF, Eric

ERIC: Sketchy this isn’t Coyote Skull. We do things differently here. It really is okay. FX: More people noises in the streets, in the distance, engines gun, and there are very distant cheers.

SKETCHY: As long as we don’t leave.

ERIC: (Ignoring them) The first heats of the Invitational are tonight, town’s packed. Probably why the pirates are here.

SKETCHY: They’re here for us, and you know it. Teeth that aren’t bared are still teeth

ANDREA: Avast, me hearties! (Giggles) Sorry. Not sorry.

SKETCHY: (Terrified yelp) MOTHER OF-(deep breath)

FX: Click as Sketchy goes to microphone. Eric, this is Andrea. Andrea, this is Eric. Andrea is one of the people I’m trying to protect the Dustcap from and Eric is pretending to help me. Say hi!

ERIC: Welcome to New Alice Springs, ma’am. I’m Eric, Dustcap Alpha here, is there anything you need?

ANDREA: (supercilious, a little too charming) Oh Eric, thank you! Just a moment with our mutual friend. We parted on bad terms. And I wanted to make things right.

SKETCHY: Don’t threaten my charge with a good time, lady!

ANDREA: I’ll keep it brief, then. Eric, I’m sorry but the people who are looking for my friend here care about your neutrality the same way I do about that natty silver cape. It’s nice, but it’s not essential.

SKETCHY: Where are they?

ANDREA: (Affectionate then VENOMOUS) Such lovely dogs. One big friendly boy especially. Their human? Has a LOT to learn about dog handling…

SKETCHY: Andrea, PLEASE.

ANDREA: A block away.

FX: Cybernetic dogs barking. Nearby.

SKETCHY: Oh NO. ERIC, that neutrality is about to get a workout. Get moving! GO!

### SCENE 5: Plan Gold

EXT: The streets of New Alice Springs near the races. Engine noises of multiple types (hover, petrol, horse. Like actual horse.) Snatches of music.

SKETCHY: Hold up! Headset’s going frantic, there’s too many people. Looks like Eric and Andrea took off separately, took the dogs with them too. Hope he’s okay. Let me…working on exits for you now but its taking a while. Look, I’m so sorry. This was supposed to be a place to catch your breath but…okay, OKAY good I’ve got something for you. The Charmed Wheel, just across the street? Go there.

ACTAEON: (In person and slightly out of breath) You’re very fast. Well done. My hounds appreciate the workout.

SKETCHY: DAMN it. Play along, I’ll get you out of this.

ACTAEON: This isn’t a negotiation, Galore. There is nowhere you can lead them I can’t follow and no situation where this ends without me getting what I need. You know that. FX: door creaks open, bell dings, sounds of a party inside everyone is heading to the races.

LIQUID GOLD: A pirate and a Dustcap walk into a bar! How delightful. DO come in!

SKETCHY (Conspiratorial, off speaker): We’re good. That’s Liquid Gold, Fabulous, lavish and absolutely ruthless. Just listen and do what she says, and the bar’s a dead zone I won-‘

FX- Static. Bar noises

LIQUID GOLD: Now, lovelies, do come with me. There are doggy bowls by the door, your friends will be well looked after. Now, I have a box on the roof terrace which gives us the absolute best views. A change in perspective is always welcome, don’t you think?

ACTAEON: Thank you. (Low, to player) What happened to your town was unfortunate. It doesn’t have to happen to you. All I need, is what’s in that box. All you need is to give it to me. You should know, as well, that this is not our fault. We had an agreement. Ingram, reneged. There were consequences. You don’t have to be one. FX- door opens, crowd shouts in greetings or at the vehicle races.

LIQUID GOLD: Come on, the race is about to start! Have a seat! Splendid! Now, lovelies, the red spider-looking device over there? Developed by an old friend, calls it the Pond Skimmer. It looks bouncy but it can handle almost any terrain. And it’s good if there’s a flash flood.

ACTAEON: Fascinating. (To player). You give us the box, this ends. We’ll leave, you’ll live. Make the right choice.

LIQUID GOLD: I do try not to play favorites but that black racer? Low to the ground? That’s the Ghost and that is a RIDE, lovelies. Always nice to see it working and—oh MY! She did it! Kelly did it! Look at that hovercraft! Forget practicality look at the speed! On an open flat, she’ll be unstoppable.

ACTAEON: We can change the world. The damage we live with? This mask? This…PLACE? It can be fixed. It can be changed. Ingram knew that and because he’s a greedy idiot he chose to do nothing. Don’t be like him. Help us and then we’ll help everyone. Don’t be a COWARD, like him. (Beat) Are you a coward tooAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

FX: Loud shocking noise, BZZT--crowd cheers (like a kid dropping a tray in a lunch room)

ACTAEON: (yells in electrocuted)

LIQUID GOLD: DO use your inside voice, dear. NOW! We are no doubt surrounded so, it’s time for Plan Gold. I trust you because Jade trusts you and so here is a map. It will keep you safe. Off you go!

FX: Creaky door opens. Crowd cheers for race, oblivious. The dogs start barking downstairs. Sound of dogs running upstairs.

LIQUID GOLD: Remember to stay to the left fork, always, and it’ll exit closer to the Glass Hills.

SKETCHY: And we’re back! Wait, Tunnels? What is she doing with that dumbwaiter chute-- oh no, she wouldn’t. You’re on the roof of the building!

LIQUID GOLD: I’m sorry you won’t be able to stay here longer, but do look me up next time you come here. You’re FUN. Tuck and roll! FX: tricky here- most places would have the player yelling and echoing, but we don’t give our player a voice. So I’m thinking the crowd gets tinny and echoey, and really far away. And then there’s a THUMP.

THE END