Cyanide Suppository

### *Cyanide Suppository by* Logan the Lobotomizer

I know nobody will believe me, but this happened. I don't drive, so that means getting around is a bitch! Naturally, I use Uber when I can't bum a ride. One night I called Uber to pick me up from work. Regret filled my stomach the moment my ride pulled up. My driver's name was Lloyd, and he drove a dark blue jeep caked with dirt with a dent in the passenger side door. Lloyd had long, shaggy brown hair that spilled down his back; black sunglasses covered a withered and wrinkled face; he wore a ratty Patriots hoodie.

Despite better judgment, I got into his car; I was ankle-deep in fast-food bags; the jeep smelled like ass.

Lloyd flashed a yellow toothy smile. "Is there any particular station you want?"

I squashed a cockroach crawling up my leg. "Nope."

Lloyd pulled into oncoming traffic and smashed into an SUV. The driver was blonde, middle-aged, and wore a business suit. "What the fuck!" She screamed.

Lloyd popped open the glove compartment and retrieved a black, snub-nose revolver.

"I'll handle this."

"Where are you going with that gun?" I said.

Blondey stomped over to Lloyd. "You hit me, retard!"

***BLAM!***

Blondey dropped to the road; blood poured from the hole in her forehead, and her baby blue eyes rolled upward. Instinctively, I reached for the handle; to my dismay, I discovered the handle had been torn off. Lloyd jumped back in the car and hit the gas.

"What the fuck!" I screamed.

Lloyd stomped on the break and shoved his gun in my face. "Shut Up or else!"

"You can't just kill people!" I cried.

He pushed the gun barrel against my nose. "Humanity is a disease, and I'm the cure!"

Urine leaked down my ankle. "Please let me go."

Lloyd retrieved an orange pill bottle from his pocket and tossed it at me. "Take the pills, or I'll bite your buttcheeks off, jerkcrap!"

The pill was black and cone-shaped. I plopped it into my mouth. "Can I go now?"

Lloyd frowned. "That's a suppository, dumbass!"

I spat the pill into my hand. "I'm not shoving this up my ass, dude."

***BOOM!***

Blood rushed down the hole in my leg; burning pain spread through my knee. I slumped over, clutching my leg as blood seeped through my fingers. The air smelled and tasted like fireworks.

He pointed his weapon at my ball sack. "Do you wanna lose a nut too?"

I grabbed the suppository and pushed it into my rectum. It burned almost as bad as my knee. It felt like shitting in reverse. "Why are you doing this?"

"You've been drafted into a war against yourself," Lloyd said.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

The car ascended into the sky ;I felt like I was sinking into my seat. A tidal wave of calm washed over me like a roaring tidal wave; it felt like I was becoming one with everything. I peered out the window and saw clouds and sky. We climbed higher and higher until we were in the darkness of space. Lloyd's skin turned into green scales. I observed my skin was green and slimy.

I glanced down at my claws, and I glimpsed into the rearview mirror; my face was elongated like a crocodile, and I had a shark-like fin on the top of my head and yellow eyes.

I kicked the back of Lloyd's seat. "Where are you taking me?"

"Quiet, young lady!" Lloyd barked.

My dick and balls twisted in knots; my chest expanded into volleyball-sized tits. Terror. That is what I felt when I grabbed the crotch. My penis had turned into a vagina. Lloyd hopped into the backseat and pinned me down. Thick strings of saliva dripped from his mouth; onto my face. "You're going to bare my seed."

I sunk my shark-like teeth into his neck and tore his throat out. Blood cascaded down his scaly chest and stomach. Gurgling reverberated through the vehicle; I pushed Lloyd off me into the pile of garbage. The jeep spiraled into a black hole. I woke up nude, behind a dumpster in a Wendy's parking lot, to a naked homeless person peeing in my mouth. He had gray shoulder-length bits of food clung to his bushy gray beard.

***BANG!***

A bloodstream ran down the hole in the center of the man's forehead. He dropped into a pile of trash bags next to the dumpster. Lloyd waved from his car. I got up and ran faster than I ever have. I ignored the dirty looks and screams of disgust by the people I ran past. I realized I'd been gone for two days when I got home. I had no memory of where I'd been or what was done to me. I've never taken drugs or alcohol, and I'm in excellent mental health despite what some jerk doctors say. Moral of this story: Don't use Uber.