Fake TPOT 42p: How the Host Was One/part 2

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
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   "**How the Host Was One**" is the prelude to the non-canon forty-second episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 18 October 1987. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was part of the main episode, and before that it was known as "**Plus Meets Minus (The Password Is Made)**".

Next episode: "The Password Is *Family*"

## 3 days until showtime (cont'd)

### **By flat 22**

**Scene****Bok** runs off to join her friends, **Saw**, **Gaty** and **Genderfluid Book**.
* **S****aw**: It is totally un-brill that you were forced to stay with Pencil, Bok. I would have skived off when I had the chance.
* **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**: I'm sorry, *søskenbarn*.
* **B****o****k**: I really wanted to be on Pen's game show, y'know, so I could probe his mind and all that.
* **G****at****y**: You'd probe an empty vacuum?
* **B****o****k**: Wait, how did you know I have to stay here?
* **G****at****y**: Oh. Um... we kind of heard what was going on with you guys.
* **B****o****k**: How?
* **S****aw**: We were eavesdropping.

[*Bok facepalms.*]

* **B****o****k**: But I thought... Oh, forget it. What am I supposed to do now? I have no way out of this contest unless I want to be up for elimination and lose again. [*slumps to the floor of the building*] And I don't feel like paying a week's worth of rent!
* **G****at****y**: Well, why didn't you sign up with Schreiber in the first place?
* **B****o****k**: I wanted to, but there were no spaces left. He's only taking four people and I happen not to be one of them. Gogma, this is embarrassing.

[*Saw physically stands her ground (whatever that means).*]

* **S****aw**: [*angrily*] No, it's not!
* **B****o****k**, **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**, **G****at****y**: What?
* **S****aw**: You shall use this opportunity to confront Pencil once and for all!
* **B****o****k**: But... what if she—
* **S****aw**: Look, Bok. [*Aside.*] Hey, that rhymed! [*Aloud.*] I am tired of the uncanny silence, and I'm not even on the show! I believe you'll do well; in fact, you'll even do gr***8!*** And besides, you won't be alone, because we'll be behind you all the way. We can do this, right?
* **G****at****y**: And if that doesn't work, I know a Plan B. But in the meantime, yes, we can!
* **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**: Yes, we can! Yes, we can! [*Beat.*] None of you past-slickers will get that reference.

### **Outskirts of the Fovitwe**

**Scene**Pen, Golf Ball, Coiny, Remote and Tennis Ball are walking together. They are behind all the flats, and they have just passed a sign that says "You are now entering the filming area. Say *cheese*!"
* **Golf Ball**: Gha... Pen, do you even know what this game show is about?
* **P****en**: Huh. No idea, but it sure sounds cool!
* **Golf Ball**: So you're lost.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: We're not lost, GB. Ladies and gentlemen, all aboard the cheapest transportation there is!

[*All look up and see Tennis Ball's trebuchet from BFB.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Machinery?
* **Co****i****ny**: It's a trebuchet! Why didn't I notice that before? I live right across from this thing!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Thanks to this creation of mine, our team won challenge #1, and it won't let us down in #42.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That's the magic number.
* **Golf Ball**: Let's get in.

[*All get into the trebuchet.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Where is this contest held again?
* **Golf Ball**: Motivation Island.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: You mean *Moderation* Island, GB.
* **Golf Ball**: I believe the world needs more motivation to get back to work, place names included!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Never mind. Now, since Moderation Island is in the Eastern Mediterranean and we'll have to cross the Nubian Desert to get there, I'd like us all to lean in this direction. [*leans to the right so that the trebuchet is pointing in the right direction.*]
* **Golf Ball**: Good idea. [*explaining to the others, who don't have to move to lean along with Tennis Ball*] We have spent many a summer conducting field research in the Nubian Desert. Anyway, this contraption would be absolutely inefficient if we were accidentally flung in the opposite direction, so are the rest of you done leaning so that we can go now?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes, we didn't have to lean much.
* **Co****i****ny**: TB did all the work for us.
* **Golf Ball**: That's because he's dense.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I'm not dense, I can float.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: The density of a tennis ball is about four thousandths of an ounce per cubic inch.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: True.
* **Golf Ball**: Metric, people, use metric!

[*Beat—everyone looks at Golf Ball.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: This coming the most red-blooded American I know.
* **Golf Ball**: So... who wants to pull the launcher?
* **P****en**: [*gets out his phone*] I could always call Puffball to fling us into the air like last time.

[*He tries to call Puffball, but it doesn't work, not only because they're not on, but also because it's 1987.*]

* **P****en**: *No service*? I'll be darned.
* **Golf Ball**: What do you think, Coiny? It seems as though you have an idea.
* **Co****i****ny**: That's me, Coin-ee, the one with the great ideas!

[*As this conversation goes on in the background,* **Firey Jr.** *can be seen leaving the set to take a break. He notices the trebuchet in the background and smiles mischievously.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Nyeh-he-he-he-he-he-heh!

[*Firey Jr. starts to tug on the string. The contestants in the trebuchet don't notice themselves going down.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We could go back and get some invention materials.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I always come prepared. [*gets his tools out from what TV Tropes calls the "Hammerspace"*]
* **Co****i****ny**: Damn, where'd you get that stack o' chiz from, son?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I got it from the...

[*The trebuchet suddenly flings the five of them into the air.*]

* **All**: *AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!*

### **Fovitwe Central**

**Scene****Match** is leading **Black Hole** and **Pin** in song.
* **Ma****tch**: ♫ *Never gonna give you up...* ♫
* **P****i****n**: ♫ *Never gonna let you down...* ♫
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: ♫ *Never gonna run around, and desert you.* ♫
* **P****i****n**: *Desert*, Black Hole?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That was a mistake. I'm more of a Sahel kind of hole.

[*Enter* **Pencil**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oof, that's better. I totally wasn't crying in there.

[*Black Hole and Pin look at each other as Pencil suddenly goes into a meditating position.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Is she hibernating?
* **P****i****n**: That's what some of us down-to-earth people do. Hey, Black Hole, we don't really interact much, do we?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No. But now's a better time than ever. Er... hi.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Shh, I'm fantasizing.
* **Ma****tch**: 'Kay, I won't, like, bother you.

[*Match is about to walk off.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*still with her eyes closed*] Don't leave me alone! I'm pretending to be the Aquarius constellation!

### **By flat 22**

**Scene**As is usual for them, **Gaty**, **Bok**, **Saw** and **Genderfluid Book** are sitting by the flat in which they live together. All of a sudden, Genderfluid Book gets a call on their phone. Their ringtone sounds a bit like "It's a Sin" by the Pet Shop Boys.
* **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**: Ah!
* **B****o****k**: What?
* **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**: It's for you.

[*Genderfluid Book hands Bok their phone. She presses the button and finds* **Bubble** *on there,* *sitting behind some kind of desk. If there was a live audience, there'd be a lot of applause at this guest star who hasn't been seen in the show for years.*]

* **B****o****k**: Bubble!
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Book!
* **B****o****k**: It's actually *Bok* now, but... Bubble!
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Hey, Bok! How's it going in the game?
* **B****o****k**: I just rejoined.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Yoylecake! That's amoizing!
* **B****o****k**: There's only one thing that is on my mind.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Oh? What's that?
* **B****o****k**: It's... it's Pencil...
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Bye!

[*Bubble hangs up. Bok hands Genderfluid Book their phone back and looks at her friends.*]

* **B****o****k**: [*sigh*] That did not go well.

### **Fovitwe Central**

**Scene**Evening—the sky has just changed colour and it's a bit unclear whether a time skip has taken place or not. **Pin** and **Black Hole** are still talking to each other as **Pencil** meditates and **Match** paces around her.
* **P****i****n**: So you run a business?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We've been in the business for six years now. We specialize in the art of death prevention.
* **P****i****n**: You know, my husband is really good with the corporate stuff. Of course, he's never had any experience (so his statement is a load of nonsense), but I think he'd really want to help you guys!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You'd actually do that, even though he called himself an... *ice-cold killer*?
* **P****i****n**: Face it, Black Hole. We're not getting anything done today. Want to talk it over a bean cake in Flat 10?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Something we have in common, sure.

[*Exeunt* **Black Hole** *and* **Pin** *together.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Penc-penc, they left.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Who?
* **Ma****tch**: Like, Pin and Black Hole. They're not here.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And Bok?
* **Ma****tch**: Not here either.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, good, she's probably doing her own thing. [*falls to the ground, exhausted*]

[*Pencil's YeFone, which has been next to her the phone time, begins to ring.*]

* **Ma****tch**: The phone's ringing.
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, Match, it's raining synthesizers. /s

[*She picks up the phone and sees* **Pen** *on the other side. Exit* **Match**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Hello?
* **P****en**: Hey, baby! [*kisses her through the phone*] Mwah!
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're on video mode.
* **P****en**: That's great! What am I doing now?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Talking on the telephone to someone who's quite sad. [*sigh*] Oh, honey, I miss you.
* **P****en**: I'll say. It's a little lonely being in this room by myself.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Didn't you fly with your group?
* **P****en**: I did, but...

[*Quick flashback to the five trebuchet-ers falling into a hotel on Moderation Island: Coiny, Tennis Ball, Remote and Golf Ball fall through the roof of one room and Pen falls through the roof of the one next to it.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: That's one way to check in. But where are the others?

[*View of* **Golf Ball** *and* **Tennis Ball** *reading books on the bed and* **Coiny** *and* **Remote** *watching TV. Coiny is on the ground, staring up at the ceiling.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Does anyone here speak Arabic?

[*Back to scene, where Pencil looks away for a second.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Sounds like fun. Well, at least I'm not the one who has to report to the set tomorrow.
* **P****en**: What?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Haven't you seen your timetable?
* **P****en**: I didn't think I'd need it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: He didn't think he'd— Of course you do! Imagine winging it on a working holiday.
* **P****en**: C'mon, Penc, I know what to do! [*looking at the door to the other room*] We all do, as a matter of fact; uh, Coiny and I are doing a meet-and-greet at the beach, Remote's going to a video rental store and TB and GB are taking a day trip to Jerusalem.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why?
* **P****en**: Golf Ball said sports balls are one of the lost tribes of Israel.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And you believe her? [*rolling her eyes*] Oh, maybe they can find your dad there. Anyway, you've got an appointment at the studio tomorrow as the timetable dictates, so I hope you don't forget that.
* **P****en**: [*sigh*] Yes, dear.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You must be tired as hell; I'm letting you go now.
* **P****en**: Okay, love you, Penc!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Love you too! But wait, before I let you do that, I've got to ask you something: How did you get to Moderation Island so quickly anyway? I know you've got to cross the desert and all that.
* **P****en**: It's all a blur, I guess.

[*Pen looks up, bringing us to the last flashback of the day, in which we see the five trebuchetters (as a still image) flying through the atmosphere as a happy electronic song (or a sound-alike to one) plays.*]

## 2 days until showtime

### **Flat 10**

**Scene****Pencil** gets off the phone in the Fovitwe's café, which has been converted to a food court. Enter **Match**, who sits next to her.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Alright, bye, love, and don't forget the taxi! [*hangs up*] I ordered him a cab.
* **Ma****tch**: Oh yeah, there's an app for that. So, like, Penc-penc... are you ready for the challenge?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Nope!
* **Ma****tch**: A toast to that!

### **Spinalonga Studios**

**Scene**Formerly known as the "Abandoned TV Studio", whose name was changed for the ninth season of BFDI as it was no longer abandoned. **Pen** gets out of the taxi and marvels at the building.
#### Outside

* **P****en**: [*nemini loquitur*] Whoa, baby!

#### Inside, main studio

[*Pen goes into the building and finds a very air-conditioned, Space Age–like game show set. Some people can be seen working there in the dark.*]

* **P****en**: Hello-o! Anyone home?

[*Almost immediately, Pen is surrounded by a bunch of crew members of his show. They all simultaneously speak in the major languages of the Eastern Mediterranean: Greek, Turkish, Hebrew, Arabic and all the tongues of Yugoslavia. Some even speak to him in Algebralien. One voice eventually rises above the others and silences them all: She is* **Anat**, *a typing awareness indicator.*]

* **A****na****t**: Please be quiet, everyone! I can take it from here, thank you, *toda*, *hvala* and *shukran*.

[*Exeunt omnes except Anat.*]

* **P****en**: Wow, I can never get a whole group to be quiet like you did. And believe me, I can be *loud*.
* **A****na****t**: Pen, is it?
* **P****en**: Yeah-huh.
* **A****na****t**: Welcome to the show. I am Anat Kratunmf, the object producer and your personal assistant.
* **P****en**: Assistant, eh? Well, it's very nice to have you do your job for me. [*laughs a bit*]

[*They shake hands.*]

* **A****na****t**: You have a very nice grip.
* **P****en**: Everyone says that; it's the funniest thing! The only people who don't talk about my grip are the ones who don't have arms, or mouths.
* **A****na****t**: Okay. Do you want a tour of our set?
* **P****en**: You betcha!
* **A****na****t**: Please follow me.

[*Anat shows Pen around the studio and introduces him to those who works there—mostly objects, despite being on Equation Playground territory. Because of the skeleton crew (many of the usual crew have been laid off after Season 9 ended—sound familiar?), there are only six people he can get to know; a few others work backstage in silence, like the Avox people in* The Hunger Games.]

* **A****na****t**: Here is Grim, just Grim. That's everyone's make-up artist.
* **G****r****i****m**: Hello!
* **A****na****t**: They is very good at their job. And over there is Ibtisam Al-Jadeelah, our stage manager and cue card holder.

[*Ibtisam displays the word "Hello" on her screen in English.*]

* **Ib****t****i****s****am**: This is how I say *hello*.
* **P****en**: Hiya!
* **A****na****t**: All you have to do is look at her and her screen will show what you must to say.
* **P****en**: Boy, I don't mind doin' that.
* **Ib****t****i****s****am**: I heard that!
* **A****na****t**: On with the tour, will we?

[*Anat takes Pen aside.*]

* **A****na****t**: Just so you know, we were all trained in combat before the Revolution of 1984 and most of us are also married, so don't be saying with us something stupid like ♫ *"I love you."* ♫ [*Aloud.*] Now, here is Evgenios Xylouris, who is the announcer for the show. [*points at a plank of wood shaped like a pair of jeans*]
* **Evgen****ios**: Now presenting... *me!*
* **P****en**: I like that! Say, *Xylouris*... That's Greek, eh?
* **Evgen****ios**: Come on down, that's right!
* **A****na****t**: And here is Emre Eşgüdüm, the contestant co-ordinator. I doubt you will have to do anything with him, since you are clearly not a contestant.

[*Emre Eşgüdüm waves at him.*]

* **A****na****t**: And... last but not least are the people who will be sitting right next to you while you are on the screen, even if not on camera. [*points at a buzzer and a soft-cover dictionary*] Meet Rajko Zujanjić, who operates the buzzer...

[*Rajko presses the buzzers.*]

* **Ra****jk****o**: Neat, innit?
* **A****na****t** And Magdi Mawgouda, the on-set lexicographer. Do you know what that is, Pen?
* **P****en**: Yep! Comes from the Greek roots *lexiko*, meaning *words* and *graphos*, *writing*, like ya boy here. [*points at himself*] He's the one who tells you if a word's in the dictionary.
* **A****na****t**: That's right. He is also urgently necessary during the competition, as you will see later. [*waves*] *Ahlan*, Magdi!
* **M****a****gd****i**: I'm a dictionary and you'd better believe it!

[*Beat.*]

* **A****na****t**: The tour ends here.
* **P****en**: Awesome! [*Beat.*] "I'm a dictionary and you'd better believe it..." Where have I heard that before?

### **Flat 10**

**Scene**Back on the Fovitwe, **Bok** is eating with her friends.
* **B****o****k**: I'm a dictionary and you'd better believe it!
* **G****at****y**: That's the 2,763rd time you've said that, Bok. We kind of know that already.
* **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**: But say it loud and proud so Pencil can hear you!
* **B****o****k**: It's my roar.
* **G****at****y**: Yes. Apparently, it is.

### **Spinalonga Studios**

**Scene**
* **A****na****t**: And now that that is over, you can go back to your working vacation on our island. But please make sure to come back tomorrow, so we can to introduce you to what you have to do.

[*Pen makes an audible cringing noise—he doesn't like to be told what to do.*]

* **A****na****t**: You will also get to see the set in its full lighting.
* **P****en**: Woo-hoo!
* **A****na****t**: Now, this part of my shift is over, but is there anything I can do for you while you are here? As your assistant, I am paid to do things for anyone to whom I am assigned, even the most ridiculous request. [*whispers*] Last time I had to wear glasses with eyeballs painted on them just to make my previous host more comfortable. Very tough.
* **P****en**: Goodness, that is tough. Tell ya what: Why don't you take the rest of the day off, and I'll see you tomorrow, eh?
* **A****na****t**: Fine by me. [*Exit, skipping.*]
* **P****en**: I'm a good boss! [*patting himself on the back*]

### **Hotel room**

**Scene**Fade to **Pen**'s hotel room at night, where he is surrounded by a bunch of Moderation Island tchotchkes. He is watching the quiz show episode of BFB.
**F****r****i****e****s**: Stapy, you know the answer to this one; why aren't you buzzing in?
**St****a****py**: I'm busy! Just give me a sec!
[*Pen's phone rings. He picks it up and we see* **Pencil** *on the other end, lying on the bed in Flat 2.*]

* **P****en**: Hey there!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hello, honey. You alright?
* **P****en**: Yeah! Coiny and I went on a spending spree. Well... I went on a spending spree. Coiny videotaped himself for his "vlog", whatever that means.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*from the other room*] ***YEAAAAAAAH!***
* **P****e****nci****l**: Was that him?
* **P****en**: Sure was. And you call me loud, Penc!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, enough about that financial irresponsibility of yours, Pen. /hj How was the hosting thing?
* **P****en**: It was wonderful. She showed me the whole area; I felt like I was right at home!
* **P****e****nci****l**: *She*?
* **P****en**: Yeah, Anat, my new Moderationian assistant. Oh, don't worry, love, she's married. I think.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen...
* **P****en**: I'm kidding!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Please, I've got no problem with your having an assistant, no matter what it is. Anyway, do you know what's going on with you tomorrow?
* **P****en**: Yep. You?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Still working. Yeah.
* **P****en**: You got this. You'll be like... [*finger-guns her*] bam.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm knackered. Only wanted to call to say I love you. So... I love you!
* **P****en**: Love you too, dear. Night!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Good night.

[*Both hang up and sigh at the same time.*]

## 1 day until showtime

### **Flat 2**

**Scene**Early morning. The alarm clock wakes **Pencil** up. Enter **Match** from the kitchen, bringing her orange juice.
* **Ma****tch**: Good morning, Penc-penc-penc!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, you're here! You and Eraser fighting again?
* **Ma****tch**: Nah, he's just playing *Yeomen* with Whiskney. [*Silence.*] Some ooglay girl he picked up in the outdated furniture section of Lawl-Mart.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah.
* **Ma****tch**: Look, I brought you some oh-jeez to stimulate your brain!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Cheers! How'd you know I like orange juice?
* **Ma****tch**: Because you're, like, orange. [*points at Pencil's barrel*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: What on earth kind of logic is that? Suppose you must fancy a bagel and a lox 'cos you're reddish-orangish.
* **Ma****tch**: That is *so*, like, true. But not because I'm reddish-, like, orangish. It's 'cause I'm Jewish.

### **Spinalonga Studios**

**Scene**Outside the building, two limousines stop to drop **Pen** off, along with the contestants who are playing with him: **Coiny**, **Golf Ball**, **Remote** and **Tennis Ball**.
#### Outside

* **P****en**: Gee whiz, I would have gone with you guys if I knew we were coming here together!
* **Co****i****ny**: It's fine, man.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wow, a real TV studio.
* **Co****i****ny**: I like how the sun shines over it.
* **Golf Ball**: As opposed to what, Coiny, under it?
* **P****en**: Oh-ho-ho, wait till you see the inside!
* **Golf Ball**: From the sound of your voice, it must be a very large studio, decorated needlessly. Keep together, people, so we do not get lost!

#### Inside, main studio

[*All go inside the building and look around. Most of the lights are still off, but the five are noticed by* **Anat** *and someone who looks like David, except he has Two's face for a head.*]

* **P****en**: Hi, Anat! [*She waves back at him.*]
* **Q****.****T.**: Welcome, dear *TPOT*ers! My name is Quirarachitorami Twoandman, and I am the Chief Liaison of Algebralien-Object Affairs in the Realm of Game Shows Also Known as Gamekeeper, or the Cloaoaitrogsakag. You can call me Q.T. You know, like the cue in pool... [*pretends to hit a cue stick*] and the tea that you drink. [*pretends to drink tea from a kettle*]

[*Soni exspectati of salutation.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Sup, Q.T.?
* **Q****.****T.**: [*points at Pen*] I assume you're the host, right?
* **P****en**: Yes, sir, I am.

[*They shake hands.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: Ooh, nice grip. [*Pen smiles.*] Today is a very important day. Please follow me so you know exactly how the game will work!

[*Soni exspectati of excitement.*]

#### Inside, backstage room

[*Jump cut to everyone sitting around a table*. **Anat** *stands around with a tea kettle, offering the contestants a drink.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: Before we begin, would any of you like to say anything?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Not particularly.
* **Golf Ball**: Well, I would. Yesterday we learned that Anat is the producer of the show, and she's also the one to discuss what we should do. Why are you here, Mr. Twoandman?
* **A****na****t**: Well—
* **Q****.****T.**: Miss Kratunmf is nominally still the producer of this programme, but things changed last night, when we at the studio received word from Ten.

[*Jump cut to the Fovitwe a night ago where we see Ten roll over on the ground and land on a YeFone.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: [*over the phone*] Hello? Who's this?
* **Ten**: [*while sleeping*] This... is... our production... *kkkkhhhhh...*

[*Back to scene.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: That means that all administrative tasks will be handled from now on by me, the Chief Liaison of Algebralien-Object Affairs in the Realm of Game Shows Also Known as Gamekeeper, or the Cloaoaitrogsakag.

[*Golf Ball rolls her eyes.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: [*raising his hand*] When can we talk about the contest?
* **Q****.****T.**: I was just getting to that. I want the five of you to listen carefully now, perhaps even more carefully than you do when Two is hosting. For this particular programme, these rules are sacrosanct, they are written down very precisely and are to be followed throughout the course of the game. Any deviation could get us into trouble and even lead to our island getting sunk to the bottom of the sea.

[*Silence. Everyone looks a bit solemn except Pen. He perks up as he is reminded of something.*]

* **P****en**: Just like Atlantis! [*Beat.*] I swear it happened, gang. I saw it in that movie with Steve Goo-tenberg!
* **Golf Ball**: Pen! You have killed the mood.
* **Q****.****T.**: No, no, no, the mood is well alive. Remember that this is a game show, a *game* show. We should all be having fun here. So without further ado...

[*Q.T. takes out a very large book called "Da Rules". It makes a loud noise as it falls on the table.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: Let's go over the game rules, shall we?

[*The contestants all look at one another, except Golf Ball, who immediately starts reading the book. She notices Q.T. looking at her.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Oh, don't mind me.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: She likes to read.
* **Golf Ball**: It is not a crime to augment your knowledge.

### **By flat 22**

**Scene**They're still there, but they're lying on the ground because this sub-plot of sustained anger has gone on for far too long. Just reconcile already!
* **B****o****k**: I'm bored.
* **G****at****y**: You know, we don't have to be here. We could always go down to the cafeteria and get some apple juice.
* **S****aw**: What, and get sleepier? No... thanks.
* **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**: Agreed.

[*Saw's phone rings.*]

* **S****aw**: Oh!

[*She hands her phone to Bok.*]

* **S****aw**: [*whispers*] It's for you.
* **B****o****k**: Why would you whisper that?

[*Bok presses the button on Saw's phone, and walks off with it. On the other end is* **Ruby**.]

* **R****u****b****y**: Bok? ***AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!***
* **Strangers**: [*off-screen*] *Shh!*
* **B****o****k**: Ruby, hello, hi! I feel like it's been so long since I've talked to you!
* **R****u****b****y**: Yeah! It's—*whoops!*

[*Ruby drops her phone. We see the ceiling of a plane.*]

* **B****o****k**: I see ceiling. Where are you?
* **R****u****b****y**: I'm on the plane to Mod Island to watch Pen's new show! Didn't you see it on the tickets app? Flower's going to be a contestant and I want to see her!
* **B****o****k**: Isn't she like an octogenarian?
* **R****u****b****y**: So, she's still beautiful. And I figured Pencil would go to the filming of her ballpoint boyfriend's pilot, so I bought tickets to see her too!
* **B****o****k**: Pencil... *oj*.
* **R****u****b****y**: You don't sound excited. Are we still in the same alliance?
* **B****o****k**: Yeah... but... I find it heard to be on the same show with her. You do know I rejoined, right?
* **R****u****b****y**: It was leaked on Indus-Gram!
* **B****o****k**: Any day now, she'll tell everyone what to do because she and Match are the bosses of us again.
* **R****u****b****y**: Hey, just like old times!
* **B****o****k**: But I don't want that. I'm afraid she'll put me through what I went through in BFB.
* **R****u****b****y**: What did you go through in BFB? I still don't understand it.
* **B****o****k**: Nothing very good. Oh, I'm not the type to ask for advice, but what should I do? I've turned to several people, and none of them could really help me. Ruby, you and I have been something of a duo for quite a while now, and you're my only hope.
* **R****u****b****y**: Well, thank you for that, but... I think the best thing to do is to talk to her. Nothing is achieved unless it's done through attentive conversation.
* **B****o****k**: Wow, Ruby, that's really sma—
* **R****u****b****y**: Hahahahaha! Somebody drew something inappropriate in the aeroplane magazine! Want to see?
* **B****o****k**: Oh, Ruby. I mean, I'll definitely heed your advice.
* **R****u****b****y**: Good. I don't like seeing my best friends fighting.
* **Algebralien Flight Attendant**: [*to Ruby*] *Issassonatoï moïné, conaca n'rana sotchimiquéca natoï n'ranassou NiHaramille couissouirou.* [*Subtitles (appearing on the phone screen): "Excuse me, but you can't use your YeFone here.*]
* **R****u****b****y**: Sorries, I've got to go. Bye, Bok!
* **B****o****k**: Yeah...

[*Ruby hangs up.*]

* **B****o****k**: Bye.

[*Bok falls to the ground again. She is approached by Saw, Gaty and Genderfluid Book again.*]

* **G****at****y**: So how about that bar?

### **Spinalonga Studios**

**Scene**About nine hours later. The five have gone through all the rules of the game with Q.T., and they look sufficiently tired. Except for Golf Ball, who has been taking extensive notes on all the details of the programme in her notebook.
#### Inside, backstage room

* **Q****.****T.**: And then you start over again with a new player, in a cycle that theoretically has no end, but which must end at some point because of the age of the universe, and there you have it: our programme. I hope you're all prepared for the first episode for tomorrow's shoot, and I trust you will give your hosts back home a wonderful show. I wish you all a good evening!

#### Inside, main studio

[*The contestants join Q.T. in the main (and air-conditioned) part of the studio.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Good evening, Q.T.! [*laughs*] Haha. Sounds like *cutie*.
* **Golf Ball**: *Good evening*? Why would someone wish us a good evening when it is still early in the morning?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Because it is actually 7:00 at night.
* **Golf Ball**: Is it? Oh my biological clock, it is. Well, I hope something good has come out of this, other than hours of intellectual stimulation.

[*Q.T. stands in front of the set and notices the darkness. He sees those who are working on the lighting.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: *Nee*, Burak-san! Can you turn on the lights for the guests to see the set? [*No reaction.*] Please?

[*Burak does so without a word (of course), and immediately the set lights up. Like many things in the 1980s, it is lit mainly by neon in various colours. All the contestants go "ooh" over it, Remote perhaps the most enthusiastically.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ooh oo oo oo oo oo oo oo.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Now that the lights are on, this place looks eerily familiar.
* **Golf Ball**: I agree. Orpha watches this kind of anarchic drivel every morning on the Fovitwe.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I find it entertaining, GB.
* **Golf Ball**: So you do.

[*Q.T. stands on top of the set and makes his voice loud and clear.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: Welcome to your set in all its lightness! How about familiarizing yourself with it before you leave?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**, **Co****i****ny**, **P****en**: Woo-hoo!

[*The contestants all play on the stage. Somewhat atypically, Golf Ball joins in on the fun too—even she needs to wind down from hours of lectures.*]

### **Hotel room**

**Scene**Fade to night. Just like yesterday, **Pen** watches the same episode of BFB. He looks more attentive this time.
**Donut**: Question 4: What do I see when I look at my teammates? [*Aside.*] Which I said in a speech that only my team heard. [*Flashback to BFB 3.*] When I look at my teammates, I see hope, I see strength, I see ingenuity.
[*The phone rings. Pen picks it up and sees* **Eraser** *on the other side.*]

* **Eraser**: Talk.
* **P****en**: Eraser! How ya doin', man?
* **Eraser**: Meh.
* **P****en**: Having the time of your life, I see.
* **Eraser**: I would... but she's in there. [*points his phone at the bathroom*]
* **P****en**: She okay?
* **Eraser**: Yeah, she's just taking a massive chiz. Want to see?

[*Silence, as Pen moves his phone further away from him.*]

* **Eraser**: Uh, by the way, I talked with Father Figure today.
* **P****en**: You did?
* **Eraser**: Yeah. Told him about your little TV thing.
* **P****en**: Aww, that's sweet! Tell him I'll be on the channel with the show, the one with the people in it. He can see it when editing is done in three weeks.
* **Eraser**: Nah, dude, that won't be necessary. He wants to see you tomorrow. Live.

[*Pen starts nervously stroking his cap.*]

* **P****en**: Wh- what? Tell him no!
* **Eraser**: Can't. He had a fight with some colonists or something to buy twenty tickets for the whole fam to sit in the front row. For an hour or two, they'll be watching you as much as you watch your reflection.
* **P****en**: Rase, this isn't a Blue Jays game. You can't just buy tickets to a TPOT challenge.
* **Eraser**: Sure you can. In fact, they're almost sold out, says the app.
* **P****en**: Boy, there's an arp for everything, eh? [*sigh*] Y'know, if everyone shows up, I'll have to—

[*The sound of a toilet flushing can be heard. Pen jumps from the noise.*]

* **Eraser**: Hold up, Pen, gotta go.
* **P****en**: Okay.
* **Eraser**: Don't have a cow, dude. You're gonna see the old man before I do.
* **P****en**: You're right.
* **Eraser**: Frick, the door's opening. Love ya, bro.
* **P****en**: Love you too, bye.

[*He hangs up and sits on his bed for a moment before falling face down on his pillow and letting out a sharp cry.*]

* **P****en**: *Ah!*

## The day of

### **Flat 2**

**Scene****Pencil** wakes up alone in her bed. She has arranged all her notes for the contest in the shape of Pen.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Good morning, dear.

[*Pencil reaches out to hug the thing lying next to her in bed, but before she even puts a hand on it, everything falls apart.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Of course. Everything I touch turns dysfunctional.

[*Enter* **Match**, *who has been eavesdropping.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Let's hope that doesn't happen to our contest, eh, Penc-penc?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, that's right, there's a... contest going on today. [*yawns*] I dreamt of it all last night.
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, and we're going to be, like, totally amazing!

[*Match raises her right arm in the air awkwardly. Pencil notices something is off.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Match, show me your other arm.

[*Match raises her left arm, revealing a ticket to Pen's show.*]

* **Ma****tch**: You caught me. [*sighs long*] Haaaaaaaaa.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You too, Match?
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, I want to start my holiday early. And on Moderation Island they've got, like, the manliest men in all the world. They have to, like, fight in wars and crap. Why aren't you coming with?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Match, I've got to tell you something that's bothering me, and before you say anything, it's not about Pen. I found that out when I interrupted his karaoke session last night while he was "on the town".
* **Ma****tch**: What is it?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Not sure, but I've a hunch that it's related to the alliance.
* **Ma****tch**: Oh, well! Let's get this contest, like, done. Want to gather, like, Liy and Bracelety and get the, like, posterior arena ready?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, they'll just insist on doing it their way. We can do it ourselves!
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah! [*T-poses—Pencil shakes her head*]

### **Hotel room**

**Scene**About an hour later. **Pen** wakes up in his hotel room.
* **P****en**: Oh, Penc, that's the spot... [*getting up*] Oof, I'd better get ready.

[*He opens his suitcase, from which he takes his blue suit. He talks to it.*]

* **P****en**: I'm going to look good in you tonight, aren't I?

[*He quickly puts on the suit and tie. There is a knock from the bottom of the door.*]

* **P****e****n**: I'm coming!

[*He opens the door; on the other side is* **Golf Ball**, *who has come to remind Pen that it's time to head to the studio. She looks at him from the top of his cap to the bottom of his barrel.*]

* **P****e****n**: Hi, GB!
* **Golf Ball**: Oh, you look like that. It is time to go; we must not be late for practice.
* **P****e****n**: Okeydoke!

[*Exeunt* **Golf Ball** *and* **Pen**. **Coiny**, **Tennis Ball** *and* **Remote** *are waiting out in the hall. Cross-talk.*]

### **Spinalonga Studios**

**Scene**The five get out of the limousine (for once they have ridden together). Pen, Remote and Coiny wave goodbye to **Uzunaraba**, the chauffeur who is also a car. Tennis Ball would have done as well, except he hasn't got arms.
#### Outside

* **Co****i****ny**: Thanks for the ride!
* **U****zun****ara****ba**: I will see you all on my television screen soon. Goodbye!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Farewell, stranger.

[*The car drives off.*]

* **Golf Ball**: We are now sixteen seconds late. Our arrival may be before a full house.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Like that new show.
* **Golf Ball**: Thank you for making the connection, Tennis Ball. I hope we do not get in trouble for this. And if we do, we'll *sue them!*
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Easy there, chop sue-y.

[*All go inside.* **Firey Jr.** *takes advantage of the fact that the door is open and also enters (he has travelled independently of the others) and goes unnoticed.*]

#### Inside, main room

[*Enter* **Pen**, **Coiny**, **Remote**, **Golf Ball** *and* **Tennis Ball**. *The lights on the set are on and people are working a little more diligently than usual; and only the audience seats are empty, contrary to Golf Ball's expectations.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: We meet again, super-familiar set.
* **Golf Ball**: Huh? Where is everyone?
* **Co****i****ny**: It's still real early in the morning. Just give 'em time. Let it all cool down, laid back, go with the flow.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Do you even know half the words you're saying?
* **Co****i****ny**: [*sigh*] Never.

[*Enter* **Q.T.**, *who is holding a clipboard.* **Anat** *follows him.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: Ah, lovely, you're here early! You don't need to be on set for another five hours.
* **Golf Ball**: Ò!

[*Anat looks straight at Pen.*]

* **A****na****t**: Wow, you look very good in that suit.
* **P****e****n**: It's nothing, really. I just wanted to dress snappy 'cause I'm the host.
* **Golf Ball**: But our regular host Two doesn't wear clothes!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: At least not when we're looking.

[*A thought bubble appears above Tennis Ball, showing Two and Five dancing the ʻōteʻa together in grass skirts.*]

* **A****na****t**: It is now time that I hand you over to Grim, our make-up artist.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I've always wanted to be made up by someone whose name means *dreadful* in English.
* **A****na****t**: [*claps*] Oh, Grim!

[*Enter* **Grim**, *holding a paintbrush (the same asset as Paintbrush from* Inanimate Insanity*) and palette.*]

* **G****r****i****m**: At your service, Madame Productrice!
* **Co****i****ny**: Ooh, can I go first?
* **Golf Ball**: *Armless people first*, Coiniel.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I thought you were more egalitarian than that.
* **Golf Ball**: But I confess that I too would like to be edited by the one named *dreadful*.
* **A****na****t**: In a minute, everyone. There are many behind the scenes with no voice, but there is only one Grim. They takes the host first.
* **G****r****i****m**: *C'est ça!* [*taking Pen's arm*] Come now, monsieur. At the end of this, you will look *fabuleux!*
* **P****e****n**: As if I don't already, haha!

[*Exeunt* **Grim** *and* **Pen**, *laughing*. *Anat sighs.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Don't get your hopes up, dude. I once had him.
* **A****na****t**: I'll take what I can.

### **Posterior Arena**

**Scene**Match's name for the area behind all Fovitwe buildings where Tennis Ball's trebuchet was. In it, we see the beginning of the mini-challenge that **Match** and **Pencil** holding—they stand in the middle of the green. **Pin** and **Black Hole** stand next tothem, while **Bok** stands behind Black Hole so as not to be seen. We can see **Gaty**, **Saw** and **Genderfluid Book** watching Bok and cheering her on from the rearmost house.
* **P****e****nci****l**: After much consideration, it is now time for the forty-second challenge of *The Power of Two*, or whatever.
* **P****i****n**: Can we please get this done quickly?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, I promised the rest of the pact that I should fly them, in time for Remote's show. They're all watching us right now—look, if you want to.

[*All turn around to see* **Tree**, **Pie** *and* **Gregg** *watching in the house next to Gaty* et al. *They all wave at Black Hole.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh. Certainly puts pressure on me to get things done, yeah?
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, Penc-penc, everyone just wants things to be quick and, like, fuh-ficient. I thought you liked being fuh-ficient too!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*sigh*] Suddenly I feel like making a call. Please excuse me, all.
* **P****i****n**: That was a rhyme!

[*Exit* **Pencil**. *Bok can be heard breathing a sigh of relief. Match raises her arms, as though conducting an orchestra.*]

### **Alternating: Pay phone, dressing room**

**Scene****Pencil** stands by the pay phone, long out of use, and presses the buttons to reach Pen. She has to wait a bit.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*nemini loquitur*] Pick up, pick up.

[*The phone somehow connects from pay phone to YeFone in an epic clash of technologies.*]

* **P****e****n**: Hello?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wotcher, Pen. Everything alright on hosting day?

[*We see* **Pen** *on the other end of the line, talking on his phone in front of a lit mirror.* **Grim** *is currently "working on" him for his appearance as host.*]

* **P****e****n**: It sure is! You should see me. I look bad to the bone.

[*Grim snorts.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Have you been studying your lines? Nearly everyone I know is coming to see you; they've all bought tickets on that app thing.
* **P****e****n**: Nearly everyone I know too. My dad's saved twenty seats in the front row for the whole family.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Really?
* **P****e****n**: Yeah, they're all going to expect me to be *perfect* out there.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh. I'm sorry, Pen.
* **P****e****n**: I wish you could be here, but I know you have your own hosting thing to take care of.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Begrudgingly.
* **P****e****n**: Hey, y'know? Something good did come up. We're both in control! That's what you like, isn't it?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, well... thanks for the reassurance, I suppose. Make a gesture to me on the big screen, yeah?
* **P****e****n**: Sure thing, dear. Bye!

### **Spinalonga Studios**

**Scene**Both hang up. We see Grim working on Pen before his show—*in humanaho*, they's ridding Pen of his ridiculous horseshoe moustache (which he'd been sporting since January) in favour of a more clean-cut kind.
#### Dressing room

* **G****r****i****m**: [*whispering*] Was that your girlfriend?
* **P****e****n**: Yeah. She's got work so she can't come tonight.
* **G****r****i****m**: Aw, that's a pity. Sometimes the pilot taping is the most exciting one of the whole season.
* **P****e****n**: Season? Are you saying I might get my own show?
* **G****r****i****m**: If they like you a lot, they might pick you up for a year or more. You might even become a household name on our island! Shouldn't be difficult for someone like you. [*adjusts his cap with a tape measure*]
* **P****e****n**: Son of a gun, a whole season as host, and on Moderation Island, too.
* **G****r****i****m**: They will most likely not choose you; new seasons don't always last long. Maybe you remember an old production from years ago called *IDFB*.
* **P****e****n**: Oh, I remember that show; I was in it, as a matter of fact. It was my first attempt at professional acting outside the theatre. I was all ready to put myself on a par with the Hat-ner, and then the show was shelved after just one episode. Isn't that something?
* **G****r****i****m**: Hh-hmm. I think my works here is done, so please, come with me.

#### Waiting room

[*If one wants to go from the dressing room to the main set, they must go through the waiting room, a very long, hallway-like extension where the "non-famous" guests (they are called players) wait before entering the stage. This is what* **Grim** *does as they escorts* **Pen** *through the hall as if they was his security guard or something.*]

* **P****e****n**: Y'know, everyone here is so easy to talk to.
* **G****r****i****m**: We are?

[*Pen looks at couch set in the room. On it sit the players for this challenge, who happen to be the top four finishers in BFB:* **Flower**, **Gelatin**, **Leafy** *and* **Teardrop**. *They all chat excitedly to one another—yes, they all get on well after the end of the season.* **Emre Eşgüdüm**, *the contestant co-ordinator, sits with them, playing on his YeFone.*]

* **P****e****n**: Oh, look! More people! [*raises his hands to wave at them*]

[*None of them turn around; they are too engrossed in their conversation to notice someone who quit BFB for TPOT. Enter* **Anat** *quickly.*]

* **A****na****t**: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you must not to do that here.
* **P****e****n**: What?
* **G****r****i****m**: Doesn't he look well put together, Anat?
* **A****na****t**: Er... Grim, why don't you get Remote ready?
* **G****r****i****m**: *Très bien!*
* **A****na****t**: That's right; *au revoir*.

[*Exit* **Grim**. *Anat holds onto Pen's arm.*]

* **P****e****n**: What's goin' on?
* **A****na****t**: You cannot be interacting with the players until you go on stage.
* **P****e****n**: But I know them! I bought a taco from Leafy back in BFDI, and in the finale I was the one who told Flower to stop killing everyone. [*looks up fondly*] Gee, I wonder if she remembers that.
* **A****na****t**: Good for you, but do not do that. They are simply the programme rules. We don't want any biases.
* **P****e****n**: Oh, no worries. I'll be good.
* **A****na****t**: Thank you.

[*Silence, as they walk together.*]

* **P****e****n**: [*calling out to Flower* et al.] *Eyy! How ya doin'?* /j

[*Startled, Flower, Gelatin, Leafy and Teardrop turn to see Pen, who waves at them, and they quickly turn around again and laugh. Emre Eşgüdüm shakes his head as Anat rushes Pen (chuckling to himself) out of the room.*]

* **A****na****t**: You bad boy!
* **P****e****n**: I'll get 'em, just you wait.

#### Main room

[**Coiny**, **Remote**, **Tennis Ball** *and* **Golf Ball** *wait to get made over as they sit in the front row of the audience. Remote lies down on two chairs. Meanwhile,* **Firey Jr.** *climbs onto the stage and sees* **Semafor**, *one of the silent workers, pushing a carbon copy of the usual scoreboard onto the stage. Firey Jr. runs up to Semafor and the board.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Need a little help?

[*Semafor nods, which means "no" in his culture.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Okay!

[*Firey Jr. sits behind the board, which lights it up without the use of any electronics. Semafor looks at him surprised, and walks away.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Chiz, I can make a living from this.

[*Meanwhile, in the audience,* **Golf Ball** *sits on top of* **Tennis Ball** *while she holds a pair of binoculars.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, GB and TB, what are you doing?
* **Golf Ball**: Proving our adult children wrong.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: The kids all have their tickets—they're sitting next to one another, but they've been complaining that they don't have the best seats in the hall. We're looking for the absolute worst seats to teach them a lesson about gratitude.
* **Golf Ball**: This was obviously my idea.

[*Enter* **Grim**.]

* **G****r****i****m**: Remote, dear, it is now time your fancy-pancy make-up appointment.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Let's see how you roll.

#### Dressing room

[*Montage. With* **Remote**, *around whom* **Grim** *wraps a blanket.*]

* **G****r****i****m**: So, Remote, have you any concerns about the competition?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Why, what's in it for you?
* **G****r****i****m**: It's traditionally my job to give interviews before the shows. It helps Q.T. and the others to weed out the celebrities we don't want to bring back, without seeming too harsh.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That's fair.
* **G****r****i****m**: So do you have any concerns?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think people assume I'm cheating. Because I am a mechanical mind, they tend to think I must know everything when I just don't.
* **G****r****i****m**: Fascinating. Just make sure you make a slip-up every now and then, but... given the nature of this series, you'll do it *au naturel* anyway.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Got it. I'll be *au naturel*.

[*With* **Tennis Ball**.]

* **G****r****i****m**: Tennis Ball, you're the smart man of *TPOT*.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Thank you!
* **G****r****i****m**: Have you thought of any strategies you could use to win a televised game like this?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Well, Golf Ball and I developed the perfect algorithm to ensure that we have as much success as possible in the game. Her words, not mine.
* **G****r****i****m**: Surely you want to have fun.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Why not? My daughter watches this show religiously, but in American English. It has the potential to have a lot of academic humour, our host Pen notwithstanding.
* **G****r****i****m**: Ooh, that sounded like an insult. *Juteux!* [*Subtitles: "Juicy!"*]
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I'm sorry, but every time I take part in a game like this, I feel I have to adopt a—how do you say it?—"cheeky" persona. It's nothing personal.

[*With* **Coiny**.]

* **G****r****i****m**: Coiniel, is it?
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah, but don't put that on my name tag!
* **G****r****i****m**: You don't get a name tag. No, the people out there already know who you are. You are the short one of *TPOT*.
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh yeah. I keep forgetting I'm supposed to be a celebrity guest. And short.
* **G****r****i****m**: A *petit* that's competing for points, I heard. Has that ever happened before?
* **Co****i****ny**: Every episode. When you've been in *TPOT* as long as I have, you kind of get used to it.
* **G****r****i****m**: Hmm, maybe I should be in an object show. Between you and me, I'd rather be in one off this island.
* **Co****i****ny**: It's never too late!

[*With* **Golf Ball**.]

* **G****r****i****m**: So, Golf Ball.
* **Golf Ball**: That's Mrs. Ball to you, Grim.
* **G****r****i****m**: Is it? All the tabloids say you've retired from teaching.
* **Golf Ball**: I still believe in maintaining formality for people of my kind.
* **G****r****i****m**: No offence, but you clearly don't know what it's like to live as laid-back as one does here.
* **Golf Ball**: On this point I must agree with you. Can we talk about the rules your people wrote in the book we memorized?
* **G****r****i****m**: Sure, but please not on stage. We here on Mod Island prefer to keep things neutral. How else could you have people of twenty nationalities living together?
* **Golf Ball**: Well, there's a clause in there about kicking your mother. My mother has been dead for thirty years.
* **G****r****i****m**: So you'd consider doing it?
* **Golf Ball**: If it were possible.
* **G****r****i****m**: Well, that’s not *merveilleux*. What if your kids got into this show and kicked you?
* **Golf Ball**: That would be difficult. Not only have I three adult children, but Theola rides motorcycles for a living. [*Beat.*] Perhaps you people are right.
* **G****r****i****m**: See, I'm not just good at making people look nice!
* **Golf Ball**: Did my husband say that?
* **G****r****i****m**: No, but everyone else implied it.

### **Posterior Arena (Pre-contest)**

**Scene**Behind the **Fovitwe**, **Pin** and **Black Hole** look rather bored as **Pencil** and **Match** stall the beginning of the contest. **Bok** sits in the background, writing angsty poetry.
* **Ma****tch**: Tra-la-loo, tra-la-lee, tra-la-la!
* **P****e****nci****l**: You must be my lucky star. Hear that, Pin? That rhymed!
* **P****i****n**: When can we start?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Now.
* **P****i****n**: Finally.

[*Pencil takes a deep breath and speaks rather quickly.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, the object of the game is to get a ball and throw it into this hole that Match has so helpfully dug. Or will dig. *Match!*

[*Match starts to dig a small hole in the ground. When she's done, she gives Pencil a thumbs up.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: The aim of the game is to get the ball into the hole, of course, 'cos why'd there be in a hole in the ground if not for the contest?

[*Black Hole and Pin stand silently.*]

* **Ma****tch**: It's like golf.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So it's golf?
* **Ma****tch**: No, no, it's, like, *like* golf.
* **P****i****n**: That's what he said. It's golf.
* **Ma****tch**: No, it's, like, like, *like* golf.
* **P****i****n**: But didn't you say—
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*impatient*] What the Match is saying is that this game bears a striking similarity to golf but it isn't.
* **Ma****tch**: Thank you. And good job with the definite, like, article there, the Penc-penc.
* **P****e****nci****l**: My pleasure. [*to her contestants*] So here are your balls! You may start...
* **[** **Ma****tch** · **P****e****nci****l** **]**: **[** *Nooooooowwwwww!* · *Go!* **]**

**To be continued
in "TPOT 42: The Main Episode"
Next week
October 25, 1987**
## Deleted scenes

* Match was originally not going to know who Firey Jr. was. I decided that would be too unrealistic.

**Ma****tch**: [*pinching the air to indicate his smallness*] Still! Omg, like, come on, whoever you are, and let me tour you around the Fovitwe so people will think I'm, like, a mother.
[*She picks Firey Jr. up from the couch.*]
**Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Unhand me this instant, Match!
**Ma****tch**: Ò! *Excuuuuuse* me?
**Eraser**: Hold up, how's this little fella know your name?
**Ma****tch**: Yeah, it's totally, like, weird. [*Firey Jr. glares at her.*] Wait a minute. I think I've, like, seen you before.
**Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: No chiz.
[*Match looks up for a moment, thinking.*]
**Ma****tch**: Omg! You're Firey Jr.!
[*Firey Jr. nods, mocking her.*]

* I thought it was way out of character for Pen to say he didn't love his father, even when coupled with this dialogue:

**P****en**: Alright then, goodbye! Love you! [*hangs up*] Not.
[*Enter* **Pencil**, *who has been within earshot of Pen for a few sentences now.*]
**P****e****nci****l**: Who don't you love and how can I prove you wrong?
**P****en**: [*turns around*] What?
**P****e****nci****l**: I find it rather hard to believe there's anybody in the world you don't have at least a positive relationship with. It's 'cos you're just so bloody lovable. [*ruffles his cap*]
**P****en**: No, it's just my dad.
**P****e****nci****l**: Then I know you're wrong. I love your dad, but I suspect you love him more than I do.
[*Beat.*]
**P****en**: Oh, you're right, dear, I shouldn't have said that. I feel guilty already!
**P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] Exactly; if anybody's a hater in this flat, it's me, me, me.
**P****en**: It's just that...

* During Cake at Stake:

**Golf Ball**: Didn't you watch it on TV?
**Co****i****ny**: Well, I—
**Golf Ball**: I am being serious; you were in our apartment building watching the television with my adult children.
**Co****i****ny**: Just felt like partying, right, Pin?
**P****i****n**: I only came to bring food.

* Some deleted things regarding Two and Five's combination:
	+ Two and Five were going to combine to form Ten in the last episode. I decided to change it so that they would do so in *this* one because there was already so much going on in TPOT 41.
	+ In order to become Ten, Two and Five would have to chant "Mickey mickey boo ba boo" together, like in that Peppa Pig episode. I was going to leave it like that until I forgot it and replaced their dialogue with the mundane art of emphasized counting. (The only reason I know about this is because I wrote down "Mickey mackey..." in the notes.)
* I've completely forgotten where the remainder of the show is supposed to take place. Thus, this was moved until later (unless I deleted this—writing this part as it gets deleted):

**P****e****nci****l**: Pen, I want you to see this.
**P****en**: Are the cookies ready?
**P****e****nci****l**: Better. I've made you a schedule.
**P****en**: You *what?*
[*He gets up and goes into the kitchen, where we see that Pencil has constructed a complete timetable of Pen's entire stay.*]
**P****en**: What is this?
**P****e****nci****l**: I've outlined your entire itinerary, starting with today, or...
[*Pencil claps her hands and "7 days before showtime" appears as subtitles at the bottom of the screen. She and Pen look at it as it fades away.*]
**P****e****nci****l**: Seven days from now. You like?
**P****en**: Gee, Penc, that's awesome, but... [*reads the schedule*] All this schedule has are things I have to do!
**P****e****nci****l**: You're doing a job, mate; it's not a holiday.
**P****en**: Aww. Besides, you got one thing wrong.
**P****e****nci****l**: Eh, what's that?
**P****en**: At 10:08, there should be a kiss. From me to you, eh?
[*He kisses her.*]
**P****e****nci****l**: Oh, you naughty writing implement, stop that! Lignophagia [*Subtitles: "Eating wood"*] ain't television-family-politically-correct-friendly! /j
**P****en**: Haha!

* Pen was originally going to invite Rondipa to be a part of his show, as he felt awful that she'd received the fewest votes to join the show. I decided to change it so that Pen could take in four people (including Tennis Ball, who was originally supposed to be with Pencil) and Pencil would take in three—she'd just have to compete in addition to hosting.
* Moderation Island was originally going to be called Mamma Mia Island.
	+ Half of the contest was meant to take place in Tel Aviv, Israel, but I changed it to Moderation Island, since I wanted to add the aspect of visiting a colony of the Equation Playground on Earth to the plot.
* Instead of embracing each other for days on end (directly after Eraser goes "more, more, more!"):

**P****en**: ♫ How do you like it? ♫
[*Beat.*]
**Eraser**: Disco's dead, Pen.
[*Pencil tucks away her cassettes.*]

* After the five in the trebuchet lean over:

**P****en**: I could really go for a captain's hat right now.
**T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: We'll buy one when we get there.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Good idea, Moderation Island is known for its naval presence.
**Golf Ball**: That's because it is a colony of the Numbers, Remote! But yes, we can get you a captain's hat, Pen.
**P****en**: Yay!

* + The scene with Pen and his captain's hat (he was originally going to show up with the hat on and throw it into the audience just for fun) was eventually deleted.
* Blocky was going to be the announcer for Pen's show. I decided to replace him (even though Taco appeared) because there were just too many guest stars already.
	+ Speaking of announcers, Evgenios was to be voiced by Bert Convy himself (just as Debbie Reynolds made a guest appearance in TPOT 30), but in late 1987 his timetable was just too busy (he'd just started hosting one version of *Win, Lose or Draw*).
		- Then I considered getting Gene Wood to voice him, but he too had another programme to announce for, the Alex Trebek-hosted *Classic Concentration*. Evgenios ended up getting voiced by Kurtosis "Kurt" Buenavida, a cast member of Jacknjellify since ~~2034~~ 1986.
* Rajko's original name was "Sezen" (a tribute to Sezen Aksu, nonetheless). He would have also been female.
* The "Two days before" scene was going to begin with another phone call. I didn't want two separate calls to be placed back-to-back (even though it seemed consistent with the near-documentary style of the second part of the episode). But here's the dialogue:

**P****en**: [*groggily*] Hello?
**P****e****nci****l**: Good morning.
**P****en**: Mornin', love. Gosh, I'm so glad you can't see me right now. Babe, I look like a mess.
**P****e****nci****l**: Well, you sound mad attractive to make up for it. Anyway, I've got a surprise for you.
**P****en**: Aww, you didn't have to do—what is it, tell me, tell me!
**P****e****nci****l**: Okay, jumpy. I've arranged for a taxi to take you to the studio at 10:00. It should be here in a few minutes.
**P****en**: [*disappointed*] Oh. How'd you get a taxi to pick me up when you're all the way over there?
**P****e****nci****l**: There's an app for that.
**P****en**: But it's 9:00 in the morning.
**P****e****nci****l**: It is?
**P****en**: Yeah, Tennis Ball said Mod Island's one hour behind you guys.
**P****e****nci****l**: Oh. [*Silence.*] This is embarrassing.
**P****en**: Alright, Penc, I can hear you thinking. I'll tell Mr. Taxi Guy to meet me in an hour.
**P****e****nci****l**: Okay, then. Love you.
**P****en**: Love you too. Bye!

* On night T-1, Pen was going to think that on the other end of the line was Pencil, rather than Eraser.

[*Pen picks it up and clears his throat.*]
**P****en**: [*deep voice*] Hey, baby.
**Eraser**: Bruh, you forget again? [*Pen's eyes get big*] I'm two years older than you!
**P****en**: Eraser, buddy! Haha, thought you were Pencil for a second.
**Eraser**: I'm not. Good thing you're not on camera, 'cause otherwise I'd be giving you the wrong finger right now.
**P****en**: Tsst, you're funny.
[*Later in the call.*]
**P****en**: Oh, and by the way?
**Eraser**: Yeah?
**P****en**: I always knew you were older than me, y'know, 'cause I'm so smart. /j
**Eraser**: Yeah, you're the next Einstein. Good night.
**P****en**: Good night!

* I had this line planned out in part 1, but I forgot about it. Planned on putting it in the second part but scrapped it (even though Grim is probably going to be this show's underrated superstar if this were animated):

**P****e****n**: You probably barely know me, but it's like we're the best of friends, like I can tell you anything in the world.
**G****r****i****m**: Is there anything you would like to tell me?
**P****e****n**: Yes, indeed. It's something that's been on my mind for a while now. You see, my girlfriend told me that you guys do everything backwards on this island. She thinks I should take a chill pill if you do something like, eh, putting my cap on the wrong way. I'm a tiny bit sure she was joking, but you never know, eh?
**G****r****i****m**: [*trying not to laugh*] So are you worried about that? That I put your cap on the wrong way?
**P****e****n**: Well... [*looking at himself more closely*] No.
**G****r****i****m**: Good, because it is us who do everything normally. From right to left.

## Notes

1. ↑ Okay, it was the end of 1987, when this song was unironically popular.
2. ↑ I should have clarified that the Abandoned TV Studio is on Moderation Island and not in Israel (as I previously thought). The fact that the BFB people got there by bus (**BFB 29**: 6:10) is moot; there are many islands on Earth one can drive to.
3. ↑ Backstory: During colonial rule on the island, the Numbers punished them for various reasons by using their powers to render them silent (not Teardrop-silent, but can't-even-make-noise-when-they-walk-silent). Now that the Numbers have severely cut down on their authoritarianism due to the Objects' Revolution, such punishments are no longer applied in Equation Playground dependencies... although the silent ones may not get their voices back. Dark, innit?
4. ↑ What a flirt.
5. ↑ Which differentiates this scene from the one in BFB in that they're in a horizontal position.
6. ↑ Or, *in humanaho*, hair.

**Fake TPOT** [V]