Helping children cam down

From around two years old, children start developing many new emotions. These include strong emotions like frustration, anger, embarrassment, guilt, shame and excitement. These strong emotions can sometimes be overwhelming for children.

Children often need help to calm down from these strong emotions because they:

* are still developing all their skills, including skills for managing strong emotions
* don’t always have words to talk about strong emotions, especially in the toddler and preschooler years
* might react more strongly to things because of their temperaments
* can find it hard to calm down if they’re tired or hungry, in busy places like shopping centres, or at exciting events like parties.Here are five steps to help your child calm down from a strong emotion:

1. Notice and identify the emotion.
2. Name and connect the emotion.
3. Pause and say nothing.
4. Support your child while they calm down.
5. Address the issue.

## 1. Notice and identify the emotion

If your child looks like they need help to calm down, stop. Pay attention to what your child’s behaviour is telling you about their feelings before you do or say anything else. You can do this by:

* looking closely at your child
* watching their body language
* listening to what your child is saying.

For example, if you ask your child to turn off the TV and have a shower, your child might ignore you, or roll around on the floor and complain loudly. This gives you a clue that your child is feeling angry.

It can take practice to learn to identify your child’s emotions.

## 2. Name and connect the emotion

The second step is to label the emotion and connect it with the event. This teaches your child to understand:

* what they’re feeling and why
* how their body reacts to this feeling
* what words go with the feeling.

It also shows your child that you understand how they feel and that this emotion is OK, even if their behaviour isn’t OK.

For example, if your child is rolling around on the floor and complaining loudly about turning off the TV, you could say, ‘I can see that you’re feeling angry about turning off the TV’.

## 3. Pause and say nothing

Pausing and saying nothing for a few seconds gives your child time to take in what you’ve just said. It’s hard not to jump in and start talking. You might find it helps to count slowly to five in your head while you wait.

This pause might be enough for your child to calm down and move on to something else. Or they might solve the problem for themselves. For example, ‘Could I watch more TV after I’ve had my shower?’

## 4. Support your child while they calm down

If your child is very upset, they might take more time to get their emotions under control. For example, they might keep shouting or acting out physically.

Here are some things to try if your child needs longer to calm down:

* Make sure that they’re safe and you’re safe.
* Stay calm and close to your child. This shows that you understand and can handle whatever their emotions are. It also helps them understand that emotions don’t have to be overwhelming.
* Go back to step 1 – for example, ‘I can see you’re really furious about this’.
* Get someone to help you if you need it – for example, your partner if you have one.
* Wait for the strong emotion to pass. Be patient. It can be very hard for young children to manage strong feelings.

It’s tempting to say things like ‘Use your words’ or ‘Try taking some deep breaths’. But your child might not be able to respond to these suggestions until their emotions have passed. It’s often best just to wait.