Sayonara Chips Ahoy!

You know something? I could really do with a snack what about you? How about a pack of Chips Ahoy? Chips Ahoy as we all know are a delicious biscuit with huge chocolate chunks stuffed inside of them. They are perhaps the best cookie ever made well to some people anyway. I myself personally prefer a pack of Maryland Goodies or Leviticus Cornwall's. Ever had one of them? They're basically a mini roll stuffed with jam, peanut butter, crème, hot fudge, and even blended up sunflower seeds. I mean the roll is so fucking big that it can't even fit in your hands. Isn't that the dream in all honesty? Regardless, I can not possibly ignore the fact that Chips Ahoy are well deserving of their title as the best cookie brand in the United States. Chips Ahoy is baked and manufactured by Nabisco which is a subsidiary of Mondelez International. However, what a lot of people don't know is that neither Nabisco or Mondelez had anything to do with the inception of Chips Ahoy. Their inception was thanks to a certain old man who goes by the name of D.D. Covert.

In 1963, D.D. Covert was the owner of a small cookie manufacturing plant which produced really bad cookies like oat meal cookies. The oat meal cookies though very profitable just weren't making quite enough back for ole D.D. Covert. He wanted a cookie which would sell better than all the rest. So Covert spent day and night scheming with his enforcer Janta Glaws trying various methods in order to make the perfect cookie. The greatest cookie that I can give is me! Anyways, Covert and Janta tried everything to make the best cookie but they just couldn't do it. D.D. Covert eventually decided that his oatmeal cookies were perfect, but if he was able to play his cards just right he maybe able to make them taste even better. "Why don't we try this?" Janta suggested as he held up some Christmas holly. I should probably mention that Janta Glaws' homies loved sticking that holly up their noses cause they're pretty dumb! "CHRISTMAS HOLLY!?" D.D. cried at the very top of his lungs. Ole D.D. Covert hated Christmas and everything about it. He planned on one day banning the entire holiday for good. Now that ain't nice! Anyways, they mixed the Christmas holly into the oat meat cookies, but it still wasn't quite enough. They needed something special. Something to give the oat meal cookies that real ace in the hole! Thankfully, D.D. Covert's salvation was coming in the form of a certain green ghost who could rival Garfield for his appetite. I'm talking of course about Slimer.

During the early 1960's, Empire Bay had a real problem when it came to ghosts. It was in the middle of a ghost infestation you could say. It didn't take very long before ghosts had made their way into Covert's factory, They were making a real fucking mess, and Covert on the verge of making an urgent distress call to the Ghostbusters, before Janta suggested that Covert use the influx of ghosts to his advantage. So, Covert did just that, and started using the ghosts in his advertising campaigns. The main gimmick of the adverts was that people would be super scared by the ghosts, and would then offer the ghosts one of D.D. Covert's baked goods which would then in turn turn the ghosts good too. Sadly, the usage of ghosts in adverts was eventually banned once the Ghost Equal Rights of 1962 was established. The ghosts then started filing for compensation which of course ended up costing D.D. Covert a pretty penny indeed.

Janta and D.D. Covert decided to go against the advice of their backers in the Vinci Crime Family, and started force feeding their oat meal cookies to Slimer. They ended up feeding the poor green ghost so many damn cookies that he ended up vomiting out bags upon bags of delicious green slime. Janta scooped the slime up with an old rusty spoon, and placed the slime into the cookie mixture. This was how the very first batch of Chips Ahoy were created. For some reason, Slimer and his slime gave Chips Ahoy the very kick that it needed. It was the true reason why Chips Ahoy tasted so gooey and fresh. Still to this very day twice a week, Slimer leaves the comfort of the Ghostbuster Firehouse in order to vomit up some of his slime for Mondelez and Nabisco. "Ooh me not feel so good!" Slimer would cry out as he vomited out a huge plate full of slime onto the baking trays. Both companies had managed to keep this secret for a very long time, but I managed to find about it through my contact in Mondelez who just so happens to be a mouse with a severe nose injury.

Chips Ahoy were quickly met with universal critical acclaim, however D.D. Covert surprised the nation when he made the possible decision of selling his company's assets over to Mondelez International. Now rich and successful despite only selling like two boxes of Chips Ahoy, D.D. Covert could now finally achieve his life long dream. Both he and Janta Glaws packed up their bags, and moved to the town of Ironville where they opened up a flange factory. Flanges are the most important thing ever to the people of Steelwork which allowed for D.D. Covert to take complete control over the town. Once in control of the town, D.D. Covert finally had enough influence on his shoulders to call for a complete ban on Christmas. So Christmas in Ironville was officially cancelled, and it remained that way for a good 25 years until a Christmas angel showed up, and corrupted Covert's mind forcing him to like Christmas, He went around the street throwing presents at people which ended up killing them as because Covert had now lost his mind he ended up filling the parcels with concrete and bricks. Janta Glaws didn't do anything to stop his commander as he was busy rolling his eyes 50 times in a row. For shame!

Now in control of the Chips Ahoy brand, Mondelez International were actually the ones to give the cookies their iconic name. Initially, they were named Covert's Premium Selects, but after several boring board meetings the company eventually agreed on changing the name to Chips Ahoy. They were named after the company's love of vegetables and royalty. Sorry I meant their love of ships and the ocean in general. The term Chips Ahoy was obviously an obvious parody of the nautical term Ships Ahoy. During the 1960's however, problems began to arise when the head of Mondelez at time: Cookie Monster decided to earmark 50 crates of Chips Ahoy all for himself. Yes you see; before the advent of Sesame Street; Cookie Monster was a very intelligent monster having graduated from Oxford University with a degree in business studies. However, in 1961, Cookie Monster ended up becoming obsessed with cookies after getting tricked by his roommates in university to eat six bags of D.D. Covert's Oat Meal Cookies. This what caused the downfall of Cookie Monster as unbeknownst to him; the cookies had been laced with a teeny weeny fragment of underdone potato as well as a small helping of cocaine. There was no law against the usage of hardened drugs in baked goods back then.

Cookie Monster founded Mondelez sometime in the 1950's or thereabouts. Nobody knows the exact date due but I uh... I keep an active file. Cue the saucy music. Anyways, Cookie Monster was always searching for the perfect cookie, and upon discovering Chips Ahoy through a contact he ended up falling in love with them immediately. Before leaving for Ironville, Janta Glaws had made sure to present one of the cookies to the Cookie Monster. Cookie Monster picked the cookie up, and marvelled it's beauty as he proclaimed, "I see bright things for our future cookie bright things!" Cookie Monster remained in control of Mondelez until he went into a dodgy hipster phase in around 1977 when he briefly became known as the Vegetable Monster until a racially insensitive ant whose heart was made from Oreo's reignited Cookie Monster's interest in the baked treats that were COOKIES! That damn ant! Someone please feed him to an aardvark. Now initially, Cookie Monster only earmarked five crates of Chips Ahoy for himself. However as the years passed and his cookie addiction grew stronger; Cookie Monster decided to boycott all sales of Chips Ahoy just so he could have all the biscuits for himself. The news of Mondelez boycotting Chips Ahoy caused a public outcry, and it is what began the Great Cookie Depression which would last for the remainder of the 1960's until Cookie Monster's retirement from Mondelez in 1977.

The Great Cookie Depression was an incredibly miserable time in America. People wanted their damn Chips Ahoy ya know? A lot of gangsters started profiting from the sales of selling stolen Chips Ahoys on the streets to people. It started off slow. A few Mondelez trucks went missing and a few factory workers lost some boxes. However by 1970, a new age Prohibition had begun. The most notable family to get involved with the sale of illegal Chips Ahoy sales was none other than the Falcone Crime Family led by Don Carlo Falcone himself. Don Falcone was actually going against the rules of the Commission by selling Chips Ahoy; as the Commission had a long time rule against the sale of cookies. It was just not done. However, Falcone could not care less and aided in his affairs by his right-hand man Eddie Scarpa; Carlo Falcone and Scarpa went as far as to destroy rival gangs in order to dominate the cookie trade, and become the main suppliers for Empire Bay. However Falcone's operations came to an abrupt end once the Federal Bureau of Narcotics dispatched Manuel Tomasino into Falcone's gang in order to gain information. The Federal Bureau of Narcotics had gotten themselves involved in the Great Cookie Depression as by this time Chips Ahoy had become classified as a Class A drug by President Nixon himself.

Manuel Tomasino infiltrated the Falcone Family through old friend Vito Scaletta, and learned about how the Mafia operates. He learned that Falcone was getting supplied by the Empire Bay Triads who received packs of Chips Ahoy in bulk from their contact inside Mondelez International. Manuel eventually managed to arrange a Chips Ahoy deal between himself and high-ranking Triad enforcer Zhe Yun Wong. Their deal went smoothly with Manuel paying Wong in buckets of fish. "You're a good man Manuel. Is your suitcase heavy enough?" Mr Wong inquired as he had his henchmen place packets upon packets of Chips Ahoy into suitcases for Manuel. "Next time we can give you twice the amount." Wong said as he handed the suitcases over to Manuel. Carrying around packets of illegal Chips Ahoy made things difficult for the Triads; they required middlemen like Manuel and Falcone to sell for them since most people were afraid to deal with them. They run the Chinese quarter but they keep it to themselves. You know how it is. Sadly, the Triads learned that Manuel was a dirty rat through their contact in the Bureau, and so hacked him to death in the middle of the park. Those Triads sure do have a lot of contacts don't they buddy?

Once the Commission caught wind that Manuel had been an informant and that Falcone was involved in the cookie trade; his right-hand man Eddie Scarpa was forced to sanction a hit on Falcone in order for his own life to be spared. The hit was carried out by Vito Scaletta. With Falcone dead, Scarpa became Don of the newly renamed Scarpa Crime Family. Sadly, Scarpa did not learn his lesson, and continued dealing in packets of Chips Ahoy until after the Depression came to an end in 1977.

Raids on Mondelez's various warehouses became common place during the early to mid 1970's. Most notably in 1973, Johnny Ratface and his gang ambushed the warehouse and killed six employees that worked there. "Call the rest of the boys I need them here now!" Johnny proclaimed as he shot his way through the factory. The warehouses had very little security due to Cookie Monster being a horrible judge of characters, and often had warehouses placed in incredibly dangerous and crime ridden areas like North Millville. Cookie Monster you fool! No one goes shopping in North Millville. It's just not done that way. There's a code of honour involved, and you crossed it Cookie Monster. Shame on you! In order to combat this from ever happening again; Mondelez decided to hire Captain Pugwash and his crew as security.

Captain Pugwash however was not a very good pirate after all as he decided to double cross Mondelez by stealing their entire cookie supply. Come morning; every single Mondelez warehouse in the United States had been emptied of their Chips Ahoy supply. Thankfully, Pugwash ended up getting bitten in the ass as he decided to hide the chocolate cookies in the galley which caused them to become very stale. The entire supply would have been ruined had it not been for Tom the Cabin Boy putting the surviving cookies into the fridge. At a massive Chips Ahoy themed fiesta, Captain Pugwash acted incredibly rude as he thanked himself for putting the cookies in the fridge. "And whose idea was it to put the cookies in the fridge?" Captain Pugwash asked Tom who responded with, "why yours of course Captain!" Yes; Captain Pugwash very rarely if ever actually came up with his own plans which is honestly quite heart-breaking. I mean I myself was brought up on stories like Pugwash Cures Cancer and Pugwash Kills Rabe Maniels, but now I know they were just stories. Pugwash used these stories to gain attention, and to also get himself pardoned by the Queen. In a way, Pugwash preys on people's fear of losing what they have so they become obedient to the protection he promises them.

Thankfully in 1977, Cookie Monster opted to take early retirement, and go under therapy with a rather stupid squid named Siggy who rather ironically had never smoked once. Well except for that time behind the shed in Greece, but whatever he was a different squid back then. Siggy had once helped the legendary Moby Dick get over his self confidence issues, though he had somehow mistaken Moby for being a fish when we all know as a whale he is actually a mammal. I mean how could Siggy's comments about Moby be anything other than a political statement? "Your love of cookies is driving you bananas so why not just eat bananas instead ha ha!" Siggy joked. However, Cookie Monster didn't see the humour in Siggy's comment, and actually started eating fruit and veg which led to him briefly becoming the Vegetable Monster until of course he ended up relapsing into his old ways and became known as Cookie Monster once again.

Speaking of Siggy. He was actually getting paid by Mondelez's lawyers to be a little gentler on Cookie Monster, and be a little less jokey with his therapy sessions. Siggy was quite an annoying and stupid squid as he didn't know the difference between a jailor and a jeweller, but he does love President Lincoln for some reason. Like legit; Siggy keeps pictures of Abe Lincoln all around his trailer. He also only eats peanut butter if it's Abraham Lincoln's Private Select. Siggy knew everything about Lincoln, and was known as the squid to ask when you had a question about that famous president. Sadly, Siggy ended up losing his credibility as an Abe Lincoln expert when he lost $10,000 in a gameshow all about Lincoln. The question was; why was Abe Lincoln shot? Siggy answered the question with; "well obviously his hat was blocking Wilk's view ha ha!" This joke ended up bringing a lot of heat down on Siggy, and he lost his wife and kids because of it. Eventually, Siggy was convinced by old friend Starry to start up a patreon. I would highly recommend not donating as Siggy was a cannibal and he eats his own fucking kind with a fork. A fork! You sick bastard Siggy. No one is going to feel bad about you now. I'm going to run you out of the business. You stupid squid! I apologize for that.

So with Cookie Monster packing up his bags; Captain Qwark an old friend of the Mondelez company having done voiceovers for D.D. Covert's adverts in the past decided to elect himself the new head of Mondelez. Under Qwark's tenure. we saw the inception of the Chips Ahoy hybrids. Chips Ahoy cookies which were cookies that could actually speak and emote. The reason behind their inception was the fact that Captain Qwark had initially wanted the great Sylvester Stallone to advertise the cookies. Had Stallone agreed to take part; the ads would have featured him turning all his household appliances into Chips Ahoy. Stallone would close the advert off by turning his own smelly head into a Chips Ahoy cookie as he says the famous tagline; "who needs friends when you got Rocky IV on VHS." Yes you see: in order for Stallone to star in Qwark's adverts, he demanded to plug Rocky IV at every opportunity. Rocky IV just wasn't selling very well, and Stallone wanted to sell at least five copies so's he could land a role in a Disney sitcom named Stallone And Son. To avoid the risk of Stallone's selling out tainting their adverts, Qwark's personal advisor and spotted dick looking alien Alonzo Drek suggested that Qwark use sentient Chips Ahoy cookies. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" Qwark inquired as Drek responded with, "oh trust me Qwark this is seriously next level!"

So with help from Drek; Captain Qwark appeared in a TV commercial to ask for help in making the Chips Ahoy cookies become sentient. "So if you're wanting cookies why not cook me some." Qwark joked as he laughed awkwardly as the screen zoomed right into his face. It zoomed in so fucking much that I could see Qwark's nose hairs. The Commission helped fund the advert as they had soften their stance against Chips Ahoy in recent years due to a change in heads. The Commission was not so good after all. I can't believe I ever listened to them. Though it did of course take some time; Qwark's salvation came in the form of the Red & Yellow M&M's.

The Red & Yellow M&M's were not in a very good place during the 1990's as they had recently landed a prize. The prize was a choice between staying two weeks in a French castle or an eternity at Shrek's swamp. Even though Shrek didn't even exist yet right? Oh foolish reader; Shrek had already been on this planet. You just didn't know it yet! Shrek never truly goes away. Red left the decision up to Yellow thinking that the peanut would make the right choice. He didn't! Yellow decided to go for the swamp offer, and Red was not very happy about this as he had dressed up as a knight for the castle trip. Not sure why he dressed up as a knight as doing so would greatly anger the lord of the castle: Austin. Though Austin smiles all the damn time; he is secretly very sad as his master is still neglecting to place a new floor in the main dining area of the castle. "Oh Master this dining room could do with a new floor!" Austin pleaded as he pulled an incredibly spicy face which was sure to make anyone who sees shit out their intestines. Austin's fortunes thankfully changed when he won the lottery in September of 2017, and using his winnings Austin was able to buy a massive mansion. Sadly, Austin and his parents weren't very smart and good at maintaining the mansion so they manipulated a man from Buckinghamshire into thinking he was Austin's former Master's cousin, and that the Master had left the man his mansion in his will. Austin and his parents continued to manipulate the man into turning their mansion into the pleasure palace. Whenever you're out spending an infrequent night on the town don't spend it at Bruno Tattaglia's nightclub, no instead spend it at Austin's. Oh seasick.

Now initially, Red & Yellow planned on starring in the commercials for Chips Ahoy. One commercial was actually made, but it was in Polish and it had Red and Yellow marvelling the inside of their bodies by using an X Ray. However, Yellow was very saddened when he used the X Ray on his own body and seeing all that lay inside him was a peanut. That's nothing to make any man cry even you or maybe you're a woman. How could I know reader? I am not a man who claims to know everyone. Also for some reason. Qwark and Drek were really stupid and never bothered redubbing the adverts in English for American audiences to be able to understand. Also, Red didn't even appear in the adverts as he didn't know Polish and was instead replaced by a stand in red M&M named Peter Pulaski who has massive fricking eyebrows that stretch all the way from Tuscany to Vice City. The announcer dude in the background didn't even know what the commercials were actually advertising, as he had been led to believe by the Commission that these adverts were actually for M&M's and not Chips Ahoy as was intended. He couldn't even speak English properly yet so he ended the advert by saying, "M&M's; let's have cookie." What the fuck Mr Polish Announcer Guy 9001.5. Yes that his real name look it up.

After that advert failed, Red and Yellow were threatened under pain of death by Drek to come up with sentient Chips Ahoy cookies. Eventually, Red came up with the idea of using peanut butter M&M's to create artificial souls which would then be laced into the official Chips Ahoy formula. Red got the idea after seeing Donkey and Puss In Boots struggling to eat peanut. "Hey did you give them peanut butter? Shrek inquired who was busy sitting on a hut. He needs a rehanger! "Maybe." Red said rather sheepishly. Well that was rather out of character for Red I must say! Red was getting sick and tired of living on Shrek's swamp. He wanted to make it big which he would have done much sooner had Yellow signed them up for the right trip. Red was in tight with Austin and his homies; but not anymore! Shrek was also very suggestive, and turned out to be a fanfiction writer and shipped the M&M duo together. When Red and Yellow wanted to break the spell of some ogre shaped M&M's, Shrek had a very weird solution to give the pair. "Well when it comes to breaking spells; usually somebody's got to kiss somebody." Shrek said as he then began eyeing the pair. Now, Yellow was surprisingly willingly, but Red was very defiant as he cried, "not gonna happen!"

One warm Spring evening at the M&M Factory in Benning, Red & Yellow mixed some peanut butter M&M's into the official Chips Ahoy formula, and through a series of events which are far too complicated for you to ever understand were crafted into the first official brand of sentient Chips Ahoy cookies. The cookies indeed were alive and well. They had eyes and mouths and stories to tell. This was actually the main reason behind Qwark wanted the hybrids to be created as Drek had made him curious about all the stories they could tell. Red & Yellow received no credit for creating the hybrids during their unveiling at a Mondelez conference in Baltimore. In fact, Qwark took all the credit for himself, and kissed his biceps for an uncomfortable amount of time. Incredibly rude news reporter Gareth Eggplant actually asked Qwark, "and what of the two M&M's did they play any part in making these new hybrids?" He then proceeded to shove his microphone right into Qwark's face as he said, "absolutely not!" As the years passed, Red very angry and has never quite forgotten about not any getting credit for creating the cookie peanut M&M's anthropomorphic hybrids. Wow that's a mouthful ain't it Goof Troop? Red was so angry that for a brief stint in adverts he would slap the back of Yellow's head. He was just that angry! There was real malice in the M&M's face. Red was forced to stop doing this after getting several threatening phone calls from The Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham. I mean who else but Nottingham? Now if you think the M&M duo got it rough oh my duckie just wait till you hear about what the cookie hybrids went through.

The hybrids were treated horribly. Following their creation at the hands of the famous M&M duo, the cookies had been allowed to explore the world by Qwark and Drek. However, the cookies were actually being played like a fiddle by Qwark as he had paid a series of corrupt advertising agents to film the cookies as they went about their daily lives. In each of these adverts, the cookies had no idea that they were being filmed, and each advert always concluded with the cookies being lifted high up in the air by a hand. They were of course eaten after the cameras finished rolling. The cookies wanted their best to live a normal life. One cookie named Johnny Bakes had actually managed to land himself a job as a bartender at a nightclub controlled by the Tattaglia Family. Johnny Bakes was a very confident young cookie as he loved to sing his heart out whenever the nightclub hosted it's daily karaoke send off. Karaoke send off? Be careful cause at 7'o clock they go live! Sorry about that; in any case, Johnny's singing eventually attracted the nature of a woman named Bethany Snoutnose, and eventually the two started dating.

One fateful evening, the two went back to Johnny's apartment in the Bronx where Johnny began serenading his GF Bethany by singing Rod Stewart to her. "If you like my body and you think I'm sexy then come on honey tell me so!" Johnny sang as he began thrusting his cookie body on the sofa cushions. Sadly, their happiness was cut short when Johnny was grabbed by the mighty hand and was eaten right there on the spot. "Call me." Bethany said sadly as she held her hands up towards the sky. Don't laugh buddy. You want to know what's really sad? Those two were planning on getting married, and Johnny was planning on opening a shelter in Manhattan for emotionally damaged Chips Ahoy cookies. The Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham had even offered to provide funding for the shelter, but sadly it was just not meant to be. Much like a kidney stone it comes and goes. Seal it with a fart.

The cookies couldn't even go out for a relaxing Sunday drive without the hand reaching down for them. One time, four cookies were out driving along the River Severn for a day out in Aberystwyth. They were singing the classic song; "Don't You Want Me Baby?" One by one, the cookies were each scooped by the mighty hand. The last cookie who was the driver of the automobile looked so scared, you could feel the pain once he was picked up. No one is quite sure who the hand belonged to, but the popular theory goes towards Ennio Salieri, and it's not very hard to see why! The cookies couldn't do anything without being picked up by that hand of mightiness. They couldn't even have a rap battle in the streets unless one of their members was selected for execution. The cookies had even started growing on trees as a result of Captain Qwark accidentally mixing tree bark into the Chips Ahoy and Peanut Butter M&M formula. He threw the bark after using it as a makeshift microphone while singing to Queen. A dangerous pass time I know! The cookies just wanted to break free, oh they had to break free! However, in spite of all the cookies deaths over the years, one cookie named Frankie C was determined to have a different fate. Here is his story. I very rarely get emotional during one of these, but this is my one and only exception. I'm honestly tearing up at the mere thought of this story. So readers get your tissues and your VHS copies of Rocky IV out cause this is going to be a sad one.

Frankie C was among the very first batch of the Chips Ahoy hybrids, but he had managed to escape death by going on the run to Sicily where he met a younger Henry Tomasino. He was actually the one to convince Henry's father Silvio a respected mobster in the country to send his son to Great Britain. While in Britain, the young Tomasino went on to found the Walkers company. Well he didn't found it, he took it over, but that's another story. It's too long to tell without a drink in my hand. Not really it only lasts like two seconds, but shut up the point remains the same regardless. The context tis all that matters in the grand scheme of things! Returning to the States in around 2004 or thereabouts, Frankie C managed to intergrade himself into a small community in a small but very pleasant residential suburb of Empire Bay located just outside the city.

Frankie C was eventually taken in by a young girl named Samantha Richardson and her family. Her father Greg works in a Sushi bar up in Kingston. Not sure why I'm telling you that, but whatever. He's got the best sushi in the business you know? As the months passed, Frankie essentially became a member of the family. Pictures of the cookie were plastered all over the wall. All his life even though he had been created not too long ago; Frankie C knew that it was in his destiny to get eaten. That was just the natural order of things. It's got to be done reader it's got to be done. The young Frankie wanted to break the code, and break the societal norm that was expected of him. That being to get eaten. He believed that by becoming a valued member of the Richardson household, he was finally going to be accepted in the world as an equal and not as a delicious treat to have with your glass of milk before bedtime. Sadly, Frankie's life came to a crushing and heart-breaking end when it turned out that he was the one being played all along.

At Samantha's 8th birthday party, the entire neighbourhood was in attendance and Frankie C stood at the very middle of the table to wish a happy birthday to his sister. However things took a grim turn when Frankie asked the question. The question was I'm sure he wishes that he had never asked. A question that doomed him, and sealed his fate as the Richardson's betrayal finally came to view. Frankie asked, "so where's the cake?" "We're not having cake." Samantha answered. Granted, a hint of reluctance loomed in her voice so perhaps that she had been forced into making the decision by her parents and her younger brother Smithies, but she was still as guilty as her family. Frankie's face remained happy for a good moment as Samantha's brother and close friends began surrounding the dear sweet chocolate chip star struck cookie. In that moment as the realization finally kicked in; Frankie C did not run, he did not scream for help, he did not even attempt to reason with those bastards he thought were his family. No all Frankie C said in that moment as his face turned into one of sadness he said, "oh." Frankie C thought that he had finally got it made, and thought he would be the one to bring balance to the Chips Ahoy cookies, but sadly it was just not meant to be. Frankie C stood there in silence as he was torn to pieces by the Richardson family and their friends.

Thankfully, Samantha's father Greg was gunned down by gangsters while walking to his Sushi bar, after Frankie's enraged cookie brethren made a deal with Eddie Scarpa to kill the entire Richardson family. However, the rest of the family managed to escape Scarpa's wrath by going into the witness protection program, and moving to New Bordeaux. The young Samantha got a job working for Sal Marcano. She thinks that Marcano thinks of her as his own daughter, but she couldn't be any more wrong. "Piece of shit kid." Sal would joke with his friends at the country club as he said, "the Commission sent her and her folks down here from Empire Bay about five months back, she's been a pain in my goddamn ass ever since." Sal had heard about the Richardson family and their role in murdering Frankie C, and this was the real reason he hated Samantha. I honestly never thought I'd say this, but good on you Sal Marcano good on you! There is a sliver lining to the Ballad of Frankie C as it began the downfall of Captain Qwark and Chairman Drek.

In a small cottage north of Walnut Pass, a young cookie and his family were getting ready to watch the ducks roll in through the riverbanks. These biscuits were rogue members of the Cravendale Biscuit Mafia. In 2012, British milk manufacturer Cravendale wanted to muscle their way into the cookie trade by creating the Biscuit Mafia, but they only managed to create six biscuits; three of them having escaped to the Isle of Craven which was a small clearing just north of Walnut Pass. The house was beautiful, and the trees came to life and sang songs from their time in York. Barry was a really creepy looking fucking biscuit as he moved around in a very uncanny valley kind of way. He also sang all the damn time, and his voice was very creepy like a cracked out Jar Jar Binks. Well Jar Jar is already on crack, but add Cravendale into the mix then you've got yourself into a right old sticky wicket.

On one afternoon, Barry decided to head out into the great Cravendale Lake though his mother did warn him not to swim too long, but Barry did not heed his mother's warning. He dived his head first into the milky river, and spent the entire afternoon swimming in it. By the time, Barry emerged from the lake his head crumbled into pieces leaving him as a headless Barry The Biscuit Boy. Barry struggled his way back at home where his mother managed to bake him a new head. Barry forgot the warnings that his father always told him; "you could lose your head over Cravendale!" Barry and his family decided to sue Cravendale, but Cravendale were very sneaky, and with support from Eddie Scarpa were able to pin the blame over to Mondelez International. Cravendale spokesperson Milky The Milk Bottle convinced the Biscuit family that Mondelez was actually responsible for creating the dangerous melting Cravendale lake due to their Chips Ahoy factories leaking cookie melting chemicals into the milky waves. And so a court date was set for October.

Come October, Captain Qwark and Alonzo Drek found themselves at the mercy of an unforgiving court. The big chungus judge was not very lenient with the pair. The pair were hoping on Judge Mudge overseeing the case as he was on their payroll for big money. Sadly, Mudge was away on holiday with his wife and kids in Hawaii and had left his best friend and only friend actually big chungus judge to lead in his absence. To make matters worse for the pair; the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham who had helped Barry with writing up his testimony just so happened to be on the jury in order to speak out against Mondelez. They even brought respected Mondelez employee Willie Cicci on as a surprise witness. Cicci had been with Mondelez since 71 having helped lug crates of cookies across the country. Cicci had recently lost faith in Mondelez's cause after finding diamonds hidden beneath crates of Chips Ahoy. Cicci was in charge of unloading the trucks, but after seeing the diamonds he realised that Mondelez planned on selling them over to the Commission without cutting him and the rest of the low-ranking employees in. Drek was also very cagey when dismissing Cicci claiming that he had done enough work for the day. Cicci testified about the murder of Frankie C as well as the torment of the Chips Ahoy cookies in general. Most damningly, Cicci testified that Mondelez were responsible for the fall of the Everton Transfer which has nothing to do with anything.

The court ruled in favour of Barry and the Chips Ahoy cookies who also testified against Mondelez for their cruel treatment including the death of the beloved Frankie C. The Judge said, "I hereby sentence you two to two whole days in public stocks." So yes, Captain Qwark and Drek were placed in the stocks for two whole days. They begged for water, but their only response was a brick to the face. No joke, someone actually threw a brick at them. Surprised it didn't give either of them brain damage quite honestly. The Chips Ahoy were awarded an incredibly generous 2 million dollar settlement, and using their money they decided to build their town with help from Barry The Biscuit Boy and his family. They founded their own town entitled, "Biscuit City." You won't find it on any maps. No my bucko; the only way you're gonna find it is if you're sent there. If you're ever caught wasting a Chips Ahoy cookie; your punishment will be exile to Biscuit City. Walking a mile in Biscuit City will be the end of your life as the Chips Ahoy biscuit will send their bounty hunter an incredibly sinister vulture named Multure after you. Multure was an incredibly sinister eagle but he did truly love his children including PG Tips Monkey. Yes PG Tips Monkey is Multure's son. It's a long story for another day. Stay another stay another day. Ha ha ha ha! So then... ha ha! Sorry that one is just too much. It's just a little too respectful if such terms could be used. And so though he was unfortunately no longer around to see it; the world's perception of the Chips Ahoy hybrids had finally been changed for the better, and that is truly beautiful.

After the two days in the stocks were up, Qwark and Drek bought themselves a space ship, and began traveling the stars never to be seen again. So sad. With Qwark and Drek gone; their successor Valeri Da Vinci took control of Mondelez, and showed the world that she was more deserving of the name Snoutnose than Bethany ever was. Valeri was a cruel heartless woman who was very greedy even more so than Captain Qwark and D.D. Covert combined. A given since she was after all distantly related to D.D. Covert's second in command Janta Glaws' butler. How incredibly interesting as a sarcastic Viking once said. Valeri Da Vinci had no tolerance for failure, and was even more brutal in their tactics than D.D. Covert. To insert fear onto her subordinates, Da Vinci had hired two Rastafarian jellyfish to sting any employees who fail to death. The two jellyfish were evil to the core, but Da Vinci did not care and nor do those who truly believe. Cue the smelly music.

After taking control of Mondelez, Valeri Da Vinci authorises the over exposure of the company’s newest addition: Sour Patch Kids. Now initially, Sour Patch Kids was just a nice little candy, but once Valeri took control she wanted Mondelez to slap Sour Patch Kids onto everything. Sour Patch turkey basters, Sour Patch shoes, Sour Patch cigarettes, and even Sour Patch electric magnetic pulse engines. Oh yeah they went there! Meanwhile, Da Vinci having no real interest for the Chips Ahoy brand, and all the damage it caused decided to instead pawn the cookies over to Mondelez's subsidiary: Nabisco. Nabisco was ran by Abis Mal a former assassin and burglar from Agrabah who used his stolen millions to buy the Nabisco company in 2006. Under his control, Abis Mal created an entirely new batch of Chips Ahoy cookie hybrids. Abis Mal was also known to give himself promotions all the damn time, and also awarded himself with huge cash prices much to the jealously and envy of his employees. Sadly, his employees couldn't do anything to remedy the situation due to Amis Mal being an old friend of Valeri Da Vinci. I heard Da Vinci used to be in Amis Mal's gang during the 1980's, but this I will have to confirm with my contact over at Mondelez whom as I stated earlier is a mouse with a severe nose injury.

These new cookie hybrids just weren't right. Mostly because they were on crack. You may think I'm joking. Listen just trust me when I say on this rare occasion I wish I was. Amis Mal thought that in order to have a more effective workforce, he would need something to keep them going day after day. He was supplied by the Empire Bay Triads. Yes the Empire Bay Triads. It's all come full circle hasn't it? The cookies were incredibly cracked up, and during one commercial they were shown drinking milk which caused their bodies to turn into brown chocolate and their chocolate chips to become minty green like the forest. However, this was most likely a side affect of drug use, as they were very hyper and dancing around for the remainder of the advert. Amis Mal eventually stopped using the cookies in the adverts all together after getting threatened by Leo Galente to do so.

One rainy day, Amis Mal was picked up outside his apartment in Oyster Bay by Leo Galente. "Mr Mal can you get in please?" The driver who was high on toast asked as he held the car door open for Amis. Amis looked inside the car, and saw Leo Galente sitting in there. He didn't look very happy to see Amis Mal. "Who is you?" Amis Mal asked as Leo yelled, "just get in the damn car now!" Amis Mal got inside the car only to find that Triad boss Mr Chu also happened to be inside the car. "And this is?" Amis Mal asked as Mr Chu started staring into his soul. "This is our friend Mr Chu." Leo said as he smiled rather happily over at Mr Chu's chewy head. Over the course of an overly long car ride, Leo explained that Mr Chu had not authorised Zhe Yun Wong to deal crack as it was against Triad rules to sell just a dangerous drug. Leo also explained that one of the cookies who starred in the commercial I talked about earlier was working for the Federal Bureau of Narcotics. "He was working for the Feds! He was a fucking rat. That's why Mr Chu's people did what they did, and that's why the Feds are going after Mondelez now." Leo then warned Amis Mal to stop using the cracked up cookies in his adverts or else he will be put to death as the Triads and Commission wanted him dead.

Ladies and gentlemen; I'm sorry to say this is the end of our epic tale. Following the warning from Leo and Mr Chu; Abis Mal kept his word and stopped featuring the cracked up Chips Ahoy cookies in his adverts. He started making really fucking terrible adverts which make me sick to my stomach. One advert had Mickey Mouse fisting a cow and another one had an old man licking the stop button of a bus. That button had the flu germs spread all over it you fool! Even without those weird adverts, Chips Ahoy was sinking under the radar as Mondelez's own Sour Patch Kids had become the number one candy in America now. Chips Ahoy was just a little too old fashioned now, and Amis Mal tried his best to cut corners by watering down the shit out of the cookie, and making it so fucking uneatable that your mouth will disintegrate after taking one bite from them. They'll also crumble to dust in your hands immediately. You don't even have to squeeze them. It's just unseemly. Valeri Da Vinci couldn't give two shits as she was making more than enough money from selling out Sour Patch Kids. What's next a washing machine in a car? For Empire Central Radio this is Rocking Ricky Foxx. Sorry I've got the wrong paper again just like my Burger King doc. Remember that?

And so there you have it; the story of Chips Ahoy is a story all about corruption and betrayal. Unlike Burger King; Mondelez was always corrupt even back when it was still under D.D. Covert and Janta Glaws. The company was always out to get more money, and they pretty much enslaved an entire species of cookies to do their bidding. They betrayed everyone whoever came into contact with them like when they refused to pay Red & Yellow M&M credit when they were responsible for creating the Chips Ahoy cookie hybrids in the first place. Not even Colonel Dodo would sink that low Mondelez! And so as this epic tale draws to a close; I want you to know that every Sunday from today until the end of time; I go to church and light a candle. I light a candle for Frankie C and the souls of the other fallen Chips Ahoy cookies.