Jeb Bush

**John Ellis** "**Jeb**" **Bush Sr.** (born February 11, 1953) is the 45th and current President of the United States. Previously, Bush was an American businessman and politician who served as the Governor of Florida from 1999 to 2007.

## Presidency

Bush's presidency has been marred by inaction and weakness perceived by members of both opposing parties and allied ones, and for his supposed subservience to Vice President Marco Rubio, highlighted in an incident where Rubio convinced Bush to perform the 2017 State of the Union Address with actual puppet strings attached to his limbs, and in marionette makeup. The action was highly criticized but is often lost among many similar incidents which displayed Bush's ineptitude in holding public office. Jeb is on record defending most of these incidents with the same phrase: "Performance art what the."

Due to heavy opposition in both Chambers of Congress, Bush has accomplished relatively little during his tenure, and frequently dismisses such criticism by letting out a hearty laugh and cleaning his glasses, then pretending he forgot the subject at hand. Nonetheless, he has managed to push some legislation through connections and executive orders, albeit not without Rubio's permission. Such legislation includes widening the maximum legal height of roadside billboards, banning GMOs in catfood, and legalizing bee nectar, which was banned under Abraham Lincoln's presidency 150 years prior.

### Server Scandal

On March 30th, 2018, Chinese-American newspaper Chasing the Dragon!, attempted to provoke its 70-year old rival, Kicking the Gong!, by accusing the editors Gi-Chi Xo of blatantly ignoring the supposed horrors occurring within the Bush administration. Among these, *Chasing the Dragon!* cited Jeb Bush hiring known cryptids to work in the White House cafeteria, Marco Rubio knowing the truth behind the existence of " " Cruz, and Jeb Bush using private CIA servers to share Tetris cheat codes as examples of the President's corruption. *Kicking the Gong!* responded by slashing *Chasing the Dragon!* editor Chandu Pen-Yen's tires, but the article gained surprising popularity after the Tetris allegation was mentioned in a FOX News segment where former politician and famous internet personality Bill Clinton roasted Jeb Bush for being bad at Fortnite. People searched for the quoted article, and within days it had been reproduced across the country, with the "#BushTetris" hashtag gaining more than 9,000,000 hits over the next week. Allegations worsened when Bush inadvertently admitted to the accusations by claiming he "only sent the cheat codes to Alexei IV Romanov", the Russian Tsar, to try and impress him. The FBI launched an investigation into the matter, and Bush's popularity dropped plummeted when it was discovered he used CIA servers to obtain and transmit the codes. Matters were made worse when an email sent by Tsar Alexei IV surfaced, with him stating that the cheat codes "did not work" and that "the only reasonable circumstance in which such codes would work would be through the use of a pirated copy of the game".

The incident sparked outrage throughout the political community, with some members of Congress claiming this was grounds for impeachment. However, the movement to impeach failed, and Bush emerged with his presidency intact, though not unscathed: the event drew major criticism from many American citizens, and the small amount of popularity Bush enjoyed was dashed. *TIME* Magazine explained the impeachment attempt as, "Unsuccessful in the legal sense, but a definite blow to the President's perhaps unsalvageable legitimacy. While he may still be in the office, this sets a major precedent and very well may be looked upon as the beginning of the end for President Bush."

## Government Shutdown

On April 9th, in the aftermath of the Server Scandal, President Bush attempted to delete several pirated games - including the infamous Tetris crack - from his computer in the Oval Office. However, when attempting to remove malware he had contracted from various viruses while torrenting, he accidentally deleted his systems32 folder and caused the operating system to fail. This caused a chain reaction and in less than an hour, the entire US government network had completely crashed, with government websites ranging from health care to immigration becoming totally unusuable. To make matters worse, the 911 phone line was cancelled for failure of payment, and riots broke out across the country. Roads became a no-man's land with the government no longer in control, and with net neutrality becoming effectively null and void, large internet providers raised their prices and banned various websites, effectively making email communication impossible for most of the nation. People attempted to fax police stations for help, but the electricity had ceased to run through the nation's lines, causing everybody to lose power except for the few citizens who had invested in solar panels prior to the incident. With the police no longer official government employees, vigilantes attempted to quell the riots, but their attempts only worsened the escalating conflict. With the U.S. Government in complete disarray and dysfunction, Jeb Bush panicked and sent a call for help to the Tsar Alexei IV of Russia by way of carrier pigeon; as he did this, Vice President Marco Rubio attempted to backup the President's computer and restore the systems32 folder. The backup process was impeded by a Windows 10 update that was overdue by several months.

### Deescalation of Conflict

At 11:56 P.M. (Eastern Time), having just received the American President's desperate message, Tsar Alexei IV reluctantly ordered Russian Prime Minister Boris Nemtsov to have his generals deploy 1,200 trained military advisors into the U.S. States of Virginia, Illinois, New York, Texas, and California. Within hours, the key cities of the respective regions had been restored to order by Russian troops, who even went so far as to occupy the United States Capitol and White House, where Marco Rubio was found attempting to revert Bush's computer to English after he had accidentally performed the system update with the Chinese language option ticked; Russian technicians managed to navigate the settings and set the system to English, as well as perform a *Norton Lite* malware scan and fully restore the systems32 folder.

### Aftermath

The government shut and subsequent riots left over 3,582 U.S. citizens dead, with tens of thousands more injured; much of the violence had been committed by civilians, but surfaced footage showed Russian troops inflicting multitudes of causalities on Americans, mostly due to reckless driving. As Congress was restored to working function, a second impeachment process was initiated, and is currently ongoing. The alleged illegalities concern the usage of foreign influence in domestic United States affairs, as well as the negligence of the President in shutting down the entire government and being the direct cause of the entire incident.