What's Eating Squilliam Fancyson (SpongeBob Lost Episode)

Have you ever noticed how Squilliam Fancyson has seemingly disappeared from SpongeBob as the years have passed? You wouldn't be wrong in thinking that I mean after all ole Squilliam's last appearance on the sponge was season 7's Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful which aired in January 2nd 2010 now that is a long time ago if I dare say so myself! According to one of the current showrunners good ole Vincent Weller; there are currently no plans in place to bring back Squilliam and as far as I can tell Mr Weller has offered little in a way of explanation as to why Squidward's arch rival from band class will never see the light of day again. Now, I just happen to be a pretty big fan of SpongeBob I grew up on the sponge you could say. My favourite character on the show was ole Squilliam Fancyson, but how could it not be? He acts the perfect foil to Squidward, and he is a proper pompous breed that makes us all yell at our telly demanding that ole Fancyson back off from our beloved Squidward. Without Squilliam and Squidward's pathetic attempts to impress that octopus, the show has fallen into decay as Squidward no longer has any punchline. He no longer has a foil who can stop him get the Doyle, whatever that mean. Now, Vincent Weller's comment led me to believe that there was no reason that Fancyson disappeared, but I was not entirely convinced and could never shake off this feeling in my stomach that there was something false about all of this. So, I decided to get to the bottom of things, and like some kind of Fred I decided to search for clues. I headed on over to Nickelodeon's Greendale branch which had been opened just two months ago, and had been enforced by Nick who wanted to expand their greasy mitts into small rural communities like Greendale. I saw outside the building there was a large group of people wearing purple nametags that were being let in. I realised that these were interns, and thinking quickly, I snuck inside the establishment by hiding behind some of the interns that were being let in and were to be given the most exotic tour that has ever yet been known. I made my way down the busy hallways being careful not to be seen, and I snuck past the only security guard on duty who was incredibly overweight and had teeth like a rat and eyes like a pat and he was busy chatting on the phone to the coca cola company to see about getting a free can replacement for his can of delicious pop which had a mighty cockroach in there, and I really do mean mighty as that particular cockroach just so happened to be the Cockroach King. I guess you could say he was a king under your control. Oh my that's witty!

I walked down the seemingly deserted hallways until I was intercepted by the cleaner a man by the name of Samsung Bare a man who loves to play wicked jokes and he was also said to be a personal friend of Elton John, and whenever the boss caught him slacking off ole Samsung Bare would be able to negotiate their silence by offering to get Elton John to sing for them at the upcoming company picnic in Watford. Quick question; who on the world wants their company picnic at Watford? I'm getting a tad distracted and for that I'm truly sorry, but in any case Samsung Bare rubbed his marvellous goatee up and down as he said, "well hello didn't you see on the way in. Who might you be?" "Cherry. Master Cherry if you please, I got that name because my skin smells like a bottle of the finest cherry coke this side of Greendale." I explained as Samsung then said, "Samsung Bare be thy name, I used to work at Disney Jr until there was a changing of the guard and I was the first out." It would appear that Samsung's love of wicked practical jokes finally got back on him as one fateful day at Disney Jr he let off a massive stink bomb in the company's briefing room and then locked the door tight behind him as he made his way down the back alley all the while saying, "forgive me." The staff all began banging on the door with one of them crying, "I must go I must go!" He had tears in his eyes and sweat pouring from his pours as the smell was so intense that he was put of commission for months and he ended up at the hospital where he only ended up getting even more sick after being given lobster tails which smelt even worse than he did. Samsung was promptly fired, but through the use of the silver tongue i.e lying on his resume that he was 10% sea sponge he was able to land a job here. I then proceeded to eye Samsung Bare up and down as I then explained that I was not an intern as I then asked him if he knew anything about what had happened to Squilliam for such a long time. Suddenly, Bare became cagey as he said in a harsh voice, "I don't think that this is such a good idea, I think you should leave now." "I ain't going nowhere." I said coldly as I picked up Samsung which was very easy as he was only 4.11, and I chucked him in a nearby recycle bin. PUT IT IN THE RECYCLE BIN! Sorry about that, I made my way inside the room that Samsung had been standing beside, and on the front of the door were the words, "CONFIDENTIAL KEEP OUT." I ignored the warning and headed inside the office only to be grabbed by the neck by the big brute of a security guard who asked, "why are you in the building?"

I had been fooled. There was more than one security guard stationed at the branch, and this security guard was a big brute of a man with muscles for muscles. The company used the rat guard to bait burglars who broke in to think that they had it on easy street that there was no trouble at all, but boy were they wrong! I tried to cover up my attempted break in as I rubbed the back of my head nervously and said, "uh I got lost." "You got lost?" The security guard asked dumbfounded as I promptly given a right good kick up the arse, and I ended up all the way back outside the building covered in a mess of banana skins and apple cores having fallen right into a trash can approved by Cybus Industries. I cleared myself off with a leftover snot rag as I began making my leave walking down the streets to my cottage only to hear my name being called out. "Did someone call my name?" I sang as I turned around to see that Samsung Bare was running towards me. Like some kind of Mr Salieri, he took a minute to catch his breath as he then held up his big meaty hand as he said, "hey man look I don't do this often, but if you really want to know what happened to Squilliam Fancyson I can help you there." "Okay I'm listening." I said to which Bare responded with, "head back to your cottage and dance the night away, and tomorrow morning you will receive a visit from a postman who will give you a DVD. The DVD will explain everything." Sensing my unsureness, Bare decided to provide some details. He explained that originally Nick wasn't going to get rid of Squilliam completely and actually had big plans for the old squid. They actually wanted to create an entire special episode dedicated to him which would have aired at the very tail end of season 8, but was replaced by another special sometime in production that special of course being Hello Bikini Bottom where SpongeBob and Squidward try to become musical rock stars. Oh can't you see Mr Krabs needs us terribly? "Why are you helping me anyway?" I asked I got extra close to Bare's face who looked proper scared as he then said, "look those pricks at Nick are horrible to me. I wanted to make a show on their network which was going to be called Janitor In The Bouncy Castle." Janitor In The Bouncy Castle would have been about a janitor at a Wall Street type company who buys a bouncy castle, and then refused to let any of the people that mocked him use it and the main bulk of the series would have been about the Wall Street stock brokers trying to get a chance to use the bouncy castle without the wily janitor knowing. According to Samsung, he intended to voice the title character and the character would be a guy just like him. He wouldn't even need to act. "I offered the show to Nick, but because I mocked SpongeBob in a few of our company meetings they refused to listen to my pitch." Bare explained.

Samsung Bare and I then departed from each other's side as I made my way back to the cottage, and the following afternoon exactly as Bare had foretold I received a knock at my door, and I was a little miffed to see who was standing on the other side of it. It was my old associate Postman Post a graduate of the Royal Postal Academy and now a former advocate for Mad Bid. I actually been the one to introduce Postman Post to Mad Bid and their smelly deeds, and I only did this after Post got proper nosy regarding all the cool things that I was getting delivered to my cottage every day. indeed, Postman Post was incredibly nosy, and his reputation for being nosy was so infamous in Greendale that most residents pretended to not be in whenever he showed up to deliver a package. Now back then I wasn't as wise as I am now, so in a moment of sheer stupidity I showed the mad bid site to Postman Post who then asked if he would be delivering a brand new car soon. "Maybe they auction cars too." I said to which Postman Post then asked, "WHAT WAS THAT SITE AGAIN!?" I promptly slammed the door in his face, and he stood there for ages not moving only waiting for a clue. Perhaps a Blue's Clue. I stood on the doorstep expecting Postman Pat to rattle on about Mad Bid again even though that was ancient history, but I was surprised when he abruptly threw a package right at my chest which nearly made me vomit as I have a notoriously weak stomach something that learned the hard way following a trip to Aloha Fez the only ethnic restaurant in Greendale which only has one toilet which is always occupied by one of the chefs who also can't handle the spice. In any case, after getting hit in the chest by the package I was about to yell, but saw that Postman Post had already began making his leave skipping his way down the garden as he began listening to Queen on his headphones. His associates in the postal service had tried to get him to switch to wireless, but he claimed he hated the way the wireless headphones felt on his earlobes whatever that means. Turns out his friends may have been right as he ended up tripping on the headphone wires which were so long they reached the end of the street, and he fell face first on a big ole pile of crickets. Not so lucky after all eh? I shook my head and lit myself a pipe right on the front porch despite getting told off time and time again by the neighbours that my smoke was clogging up the sky because I did not listen as I made my way inside the cottage and unravelled the package with a box cutter as the bloody thing had been wrapped up so tight it was as if someone really wanted to keep whatever laid inside a secret.

Inside the package, was a bunch of styrofoam which made me feel incredibly uneasy as styrofoam just so happens to be the only thing that I fear. At the bottom of the package sat a small blank DVD disc which smelt like a packet of freshly cooked soda bread. I picked the disc up, and I placed it into my PlayStation 2 as much like my former accomplice Postman Post I happen to be someone who detests modernism. I guess we have got some common ground after all then, but I sat down on my green and white stripped sofa and sipped on a cup only to learn that I had completely forgotten to buy some tea and coffee from the shop on the way back home the other day. I then walked on over to my kitchen which had a massive window overlooking my garden, and I tapped on it and let me tell you it was a struggle getting to that damn window as there was dishes everywhere which I refused to do as I'm quite the lazy bastard all things considered, and I no longer possessed a dishwasher because mine took a hike up to Hushaby Mountain when he realised that he would actually have to work for his living. A man in a Stetson came up to the window and he had a marvellous stache and after opening up the window he handed me a cup of coffee fresh from the Bongo Hills. The man named Manuel btw had fought tooth and claw to get me that coffee and nearly lost his life in a battle with a grasshopper who was guarding the last pot of the precious nectar. I looked puzzled as I asked, "why don't you come in Manuel? I was just about to watch some SpongeBob. "I hate SpongeBob you stupid turkey baster!" Manuel responded and I then grabbed my handy dandy service revolver and pointed at Manuel's face as I then said, "sorry I didn't catch that." However, Manuel showed no fear as he said, "I got better things to be doing than argue with you. Happy hunting." And with that, he turned on his heal and left but not before telling me to keep my noise down as he had an important meeting that evening on Skype with the Mayor of Los Angeles Mayor Reynolds. Who else can keep that town running? Manuel got on his horse and rode across my garden and into his house which had five floors he had given his three daughters each their own floor, as Manuel be a lot of things but one thing I can commend him on is the fact that he is a good family man. He was also completely fearless and was one of the only people in Greendale not to be threatened by me and my aroma of cherry coca cola and I respected that Stetson wearing man for that same exact reason.

Sipping on my cup of Joe, which I then proceeded to immediately spit out after remembering that I don't like coffee I made my way into the living room and sat on down and saw that the DVD was finally starting having taken an incredibly long time to load because the disc had multiple scratches on it so many that you could not even see the back of it, but whatever don't worry about it. The DVD then began with the main theme song to SpongeBob SquarePants. However, the theme was not correct Painty The Pirate showed up on screen but he was crying as he then told an incredibly tragic story about how his best mate Eddie The Seagull had died after diving head first into a radio transmitter. He then stuck a battery up his nose as he said, "oh man look here." He didn't even sound like the Painty that I knew and loved and instead he sounded like a drunken fat guy who decorates your entire house with Christmas decor and in the month of July which makes you pull a face like you smelt a fart you which hadn't smelt. Following the ballad of Painty The Pirate, the rest of the theme played like normal up until the scene where SpongeBob plays his nose like a flute a man could be heard yelling in the background for SpongeBob to do it right. This appeared to upset SpongeBob who sank to his knees and he looked really sad so very sad indeed as really smelly music began to play in the background. I was getting peckish and began digging into a nearby jar of mayonnaise. Yes, I eat pure mayo that's just how I roll which caused SpongeBob to shoot up from the floor and he looked at the screen with a big old grin and he gave me a big ole thumbs up. Hmm. The title of the episode then appeared on screen and it read, "What's Eating Squilliam Fancyson?" The title card showed Squilliam's decapitated head on a plate. Seeing my beloved Squilly look like that made me sob. I clutched my Vito Corleone action figure as the episode then began with Squidward walking down the road to his house and while walking he was boasting about the fact that he had finally gotten the chance to play with his idol Kelpy G at a big concert down at Rock Bottom. Squidward was walking for awhile until he saw Squilliam being thrown out from Barg'N-Mart by two big burly security guards who looked proper cross and one of them pointed at Squidward and asked in a very threatening tone of voice, "you want some of this? Do you?" "Oh Sir." Squidward said like some kind of Big Smoke after getting tormented for not selling enough drugs. Sorry about that, Squidward walked on over to Squilliam and asked what him the deal was. I could not recognise the octopus that laid next to Squidward's shoes yes he wore clown shoes in this scene probably a gift from Old Man Patton himself, ole Squilliam's eyes were bulging and his mouth was foaming as he said, "I hope the audience brought lots of ibuprofen." "What?" Squidward asked dumbfounded.

Squidward was unable to get an answer as Squilliam pushed Squidy out of the way and began making his way through the streets of Bikini Bottom all the while saying one word and one word only and that word was being; "ibuprofen." Squidward for some reason looked very concerned and he ate a big ole orange as he said, "he is a good octopus. He must be in some kind of trouble." For that line and that line only, Squidward didn't sound like himself and instead sounded like a Russian gangster who demands that you pay him rent but deep inside he cares for you like a son and feeds you quiche that is hot to the touch. Sorry, I keep getting distracted because my silly niece has decided to support Everton instead of my beloved Westham. Squidward decided that he was going to get to the bottom of the situation, and he followed the trail of Squilliam and saw him chatting with a street Santa even though this appeared to not be a Christmas themed episode, but what do I know ay? It was probably set in December which is quite the gloomy time in spite of what people say, I mean after all it is harvest time for the money lenders. Squilliam appeared to be buying something from the street Santa and after handing the street Santa a few green dollar bills he was handed a brown paper bag and was then sent on his merry way. Squidward approached the street Santa and asked, "what was he buying from you?" "Ibuprofen, and two whole bottles of the sweet wumpa." The street Santa explained who revealed himself not to be the real Santa Claus, but rather just his helper. He was a horrid street Santa as he smelt of cigarettes and he was lanky like a plank you'd find over on McGee Street. "Ibuprofen." Squidward repeated as he remember long ago and yet not so very long ago when he was asked by Squilliam to perform for the bubble bowl, and when Squidward lied about having a band ole Squilly made a joke about how the audience would need to bring lots of ibuprofen. Hmm. Perhaps it was not a snide joke but rather a cry for help. Squidward then demanded that the street Santa tell him where ole Squilliam was headed and the street Santa gladly explained, but he then got proper creepy as when Squidward turned to leave one of his tentacles was grabbed by the street Santa who asked, "where are you going now?" "I got a playdate with destiny." Squidward said whose nose had turned into a red potato to which the street Santa responded with, "oh you can't you can't." That street Santa was very wicked, and in order to escape Squidward jammed a pair of scissors right into his eye but it didn't effect him that much as he asked himself, "what do you suppose is eating him?"

Over at the Squilliam residence, Squilliam arrived at his front door only to get tackled to the ground by Squidward who took the brown bag out from Squilliam's tentacles and dumped the contents down a nearby drain which nearly got him another ticket from the most sinister officer you ever see, and he smiled very sinisterly at you as you try to explain to him why you have committed a crime. "What are you doing here Squidy? Can't you see that I'm busy?" Squilliam asked to which Squidward responded with, "look Squilliam you got a real whale of a problem, you need some serious help." "Hey man I been ill is all." Squilliam explained quickly while coughing a mighty fake cough but ole Squidward was wise to the plot, and he then declared that he and Squilliam were going to go shopping, and so the pair headed to a local shop which had never been seen on the show before to my knowledge anyway, and the shop was being managed by a man named Clem Clemson and he was proper weird as when he saw Squidward accidentally going into one of the backrooms he rudely pointed at him and yelled, "have you a permit!? I got rights!" "I don't need no rights prick." Squidward said smugly. I nearly choked on my glasses. Did Squidward just swear? That's kind of cool actually well not too cool however as I am quite the modest oyster all things considered. Squidward and Squilliam headed on over to the pet food aisle as Squidward got distracted by the snail food as drool began to fall from his throbbing mouth at an alarming rate. Squidward had secretly been hooked on snail food ever since that time SpongeBob asked him to look after Gary while he went to Jelly Con, and because old Squidy forgot to look after Gary he ate all the snail food in order to make it look like it had been Gary's doing, however Squidward ended up loving the taste and to this day he sneaks to the bathroom at the Krusty Krab in order to dine on some delicious premium snail food. In a way, Squidward was no better than Squilliam. It was all just a matter of taste when it came to addiction in the cephalopod community it would seem. For Squidward it was snail food while for Squilliam it was ibuprofen. Losing control of himself, Squidward began ripping into bag after bag of snail food, and he ate so much that his head ended up becoming swollen but he spat the contents out and his head returned to normal size once he spotted Squilliam buying something from Clem. "Stop right there! You're a fool Clem a fool!" Squidward cried at the top of his lungs as he proceeded to tackle Clem to the ground. Squidward then using a pair of handcuffs where he got them is best not said was able to cuff Clem's hands to the counter. Clem was a bad shopkeep anyhow as he rudely ignored the overweight german ladies who came in asking for a hint of mosha whatever that means, and he would hide in the back reading poetry. He wanted to read poetry so that he could one day write his own poem in order to impress his wimpy pencil shaped father Mr Clem.

I didn't realise that this was the story on page Clem, where is my fucking Squilliam Fancyson? Squilliam had managed to give Squidward the slip by having him be intercepted by Larry The Lobster who upon seeing Squidward turned redder than any lobster has ever been, and upon seeing this Squidward became very sheepish as he attempted to turn on his heel as he said, "I was just leaving." "Oh not you don't." Larry said coldly as he proceeded to give Squidward an incredibly brutal beat down. Why exactly was Larry doing this? Well, Squidward had actually caused his own problem this time as in the past he had mocked Larry relentlessly for the lobster's love of protein shakes. Indeed, ole Larry couldn't get enough of the sweet nectar, and he had a very strict schedule work: workout till 11, 9 solid hours of sleep, and a protein shake in the morning. Very cute. While Squidward was getting the most brutal down ever caught in an episode of SpongeBob thanks to Larry The Lobster, SpongeBob himself appeared on the scene taking the aforementioned Gary out for a walk along the patio. Upon realising that his 'friend' was in trouble, SpongeBob ran on over to an old abandoned construction site where he found a large wooden beam which was being held up by some wires, SpongeBob using his karate gloves was able to cut the wires restraining the beam in the air which sent it flying, and it went flying directly into Larry's ass which made him groan in pain as he cried, "ouch!" Larry fell to the floor and before he could even react he was picked up by a group of renegade lobsters who took Larry with them to a nearby restaurant which was actually a sushi shop ran by the most demented fish you ever did see, and he was demented of course because he was a cannibal in it's purest form. Larry despite his protests was taken into the kitchen where he was thrown into a pot of scalding hot water. "Oh it's a bit hot in here lads!" Larry cried as he was cooked into a delicious lobster which was sure to be served to the Don of Oxford. The lobsters had cooked Larry because he had given the species a bad name. Yes, Larry was quite the cruel character and it was rumoured that many years ago he brutally hacked two fish to death with an axe for daring to say he had a pot belly. But he did back then, but not anymore. SpongeBob helped Squidward up from the floor as he asked, "hey what's going on Squidward? Can I help can I help can I help can I..." He would have continued had not been for Squidward shoving a bottle cork into his mouth as he said, "look SpongeBob if you want to make yourself useful, you can tell me which way Squilliam went." SpongeBob nodded, and Squidward removed the cork from the sponge's mouth who pointed at a local mine cart exhibit which was being held in Downtown Bikini Bottom. There were lots of porta potties in the town as it was a sign of the times, and also there was the one hill in Bikini Bottom which has always stayed the same but was soon to become the sight of the Krusty Krab 3. At the Krusty Krab 3, you can get a krabby patty with no cheese and extra pickles and the burger is wrapped in a blue gangster bandana, the burger was dubbed the Slam Dunk a name that had been handpicked by sports commentator Stew who had become Mr Krabs' partner in the burger trade, as Krabs was the only one not to insult Stew for his weird collection of hats and his obsession of putting chicken into a woodchipper. Not even Stew's best friend and possible lover Chick Gizzard Lips could look past that one.

The mine cart exhibit was kind of like that scene from Temple Of Doom, and it was basically a massive mine cart track race which went around the entire town and ended at the Krusty Krab and Mr Krabs was already standing outside the restaurant waiting for patrons to attend and he waved his claws around like a mad man or a mad crab I guess would be more appropriate as he cried, "yahoo!" What are you Super Mario now Mr Krabs? Ahem! Squidward saw over on the wrong side of the tracks that Squilliam was already sitting in one of the minecarts and he put on his safety belt. Safety first after all. Squilliam had been a proud protégé of Officer Safety once upon a time. Squidward walked on over to Squilliam and was foaming at the mouth as he asked, "do you not realise what you are doing? You're gonna get yourself killed man!" Squilliam waved him off as he said nonchalantly as he said, "hey get out my face Squid baby, I finally got a place where I can eat my ibuprofen in peace." "Not on my watch!" Squidward bellowed as just before Squilliam could swallow one of the tablets, he was thrown out of the minecart by Squidward who was then placed inside the cart by the owner of the exhibit. "Whoa careful there son, that could have been a great fall." The owner said who was a fricking pelican named Sylvester Stallone and he had actually gotten several threatening phone calls from the actor of the same name even though it was just pure coincidence. I mean my brother in law is named Vin Diesel and he's a car mechanic in Salford with no relation to that marvellous bald headed actor who sometimes appears to me in a dream. Don't judge me okay! He happens to be my hero! Squidward tried to break free, but was stopped after his seat belt was put on by Stallone who looked at Squidward with big bulging eyes and his beak wide open as he asked, "trouble with the trolley ay?" Squidward had no time to react as both he and the mine cart began whizzing around the town, and the bag containing the ibuprofen tablets went flying much to ole Squidy's shock, and because Stallone had failed to do a spot check the ride ended up malfunctioning and the mine carts started crashing through the streets of Bikini Bottom, with Squidward's cart ending up in the middle of a ditch which was being occupied by a bunch of cockroaches who were supposed to lighting the lamps and not the rat. I bury those cockroaches! Squidward got out from the cart, but he ended up rolling down the hill and he got his nosey caught in a hole, but he managed to yank it out as he then decided that perhaps it was not worth it as he decided to make his way home for a delicious bowl of snail food. However, just as he was making his way back up the hill, Squidward suddenly had an epiphany; SpongeBob appeared in a dream bubble next to Squidward's head and said, "come on Squidward be a man!" Oh fuck off SpongeBob you be a man! Ain't got no respet that sponge hasn't!

Oh dear, this episode appears to be rattling me and making me quite the snarky barky even though is normally not the case at all I can promise you that. Trust me on this. "He's right!" Squidward proclaimed as the dream bubble of SpongeBob disappeared as then another one showed up this one with Mr Krabs in it who had his big fat sweaty body sticking out a window as he said, "oh man look here." "Ah! Stupid sexy Mr Krabs!" Squidward cried in disgust as he blew the dream cloud away, though it was quite clear to me at least that ole Squidy was quite pleased by what he saw as the old squid does have a thing for ole Krabby. So, the papers were true. A tip of my hat to the Bikini Bottom Inquirer, looks like they were right about this one! Just this one though, you have to understand that dear reader or else the country is surely done for! Squidward headed out from the wreckage of the mine cart, and made his way towards his Easter Island inspired home where he saw Squilliam getting thrown about by a bunch of gangsters who were dressed up like catering staff. One of the gangsters gave ole Squilliam a swift kick to the face as he said, "no so tough now punk." Seeing this seemed to ignite something in Squidward as he ran on over to the gangsters, and dawning a pair of blue karate gloves which were thrown to him by SpongeBob he was able to defeat the gangsters in an epic fight. Actually, I lied sorry I really want to be able to say that Squidward was able to teach these hoods a real lesson, but sadly he got his ass handed to him and he ended up getting thrown right in a trash can as the gangsters then told Squilliam that he had one week to get the money or else he was going to be given a fate worse than death. They were going to force feed Squilliam mash potatoes and make him watch romantic comedies, but the worst kind of romantic comedies the kind of ones about a man who wants to be a golf pro with his homie Will but is held back by his wife who doesn't really love her husband as she considers them just business partners, something which the man reminds her of as really smelly music plays in the background. There's also a side story in there about a man with an arse for a head and a gang of Albanians who like to smash up 1980's style computers but in reality all they really want is open up a floral shop right in the heart of New York City, and isn't that just beautiful? Well that's what I think anyway.

Ahem ass biscuits! Squidward got out from the trash can, and Squilliam ran on over to Squidward and said, "sorry Squidward, I didn't mean to get you involved in this. You were right all along, I got a problem. I spent all this time chasing after my precious ibuprofen that I failed to see what was right there in front of me, now this guy from Uptown is on my case each and every day." Squidward made a gesture which showed that no harm was felt, and like some kind of Wei Shen he then proceeded to ask Squilliam, "why was he beating you?" "I may owe money to a loan shark." Squilliam admitted in a very hushed tone of voice. I guess you could say that ole Squilly was playing it hush hush. Hmm, Squidward then suggested simply asking to be let out from the debt as he was sure that the loan shark could be a reasonable man. Squidward you fool! Loan sharks are never reasonable! The loan shark in question was named Bruno Levine, and he had an office right in the centre of Uptown Bikini which was guarded by heavily built thugs who glare you down when you bang upon the door demanding to be given shelter from the bitter cold. Upon being let into the office, Squidward saw the loan shark in question good ole Mr Levine who was sipping on a cup of coffee as he asked, "you have the money for me or do you wish to extend the deadline?" "Here it is." Squidward said as he sat his ass down on a tattered sofa which had BBQ cream sauce stains and honey comb crumbs all over it, and it smelt like a poorly cooked pork chop. Bruno looked inside a brown bag which Squidward had placed onto the table and seemed to be very pleased by the results. As if Squidward could hear me, he had actually realised after hearing who exactly Squilliam owed money to that this particular loan shark would not in fact be reasonable, and Squidward knew then what he had to. You see; Bruno never bothered to count his own money as he was actually unable to count. He physically can't do it. Where did he learn to count? No where apparently. SpongeBob who had delivered patties to Bruno on many occasions when Mr Krabs decided to take the Krusty Krab outside, explained to Squidward that Bruno's son Issacs was the one to count the dough but he was currently away in Columbia looking for the cookie crisp killer who was actually the cookie crisp wolf or Wolfy for short who has certainly gone off the rails ever since those bastard Applejack's came into the picture, they were hogging up all the shelves, and that made Wolfy angry it did. Knowing that Bruno would be unable to count the money correctly without Issacs' help, Squidward and Squilliam opted pay the old Jewish man in Monopoly money which made Bruno very pleased it did as he took the monopoly money into his clammy hands and remarked, "I don't like the way it feels on me hands, but regardless of that fact it looks like the debt is settled."

And so, Squidward and Squilliam were sent on their merry way and together with SpongeBob they skipped their way through the streets of Bikini Bottom stopping at a local Greggs where they bought a pasty three pasties actually and they made their way back to Squidward's crib in order to delve into some delicious pasty pasties. Sounds gross. However, upon reaching said house, Squidward was horrified to see that his house was being raided by a gang of thugs one of them was running down the street with Squidward's clarinet which was going to be using in his big show with Kelpy G. "Hey man that's my clarinet!" Squidward yelled, but SpongeBob not wanting Squids to get in any more trouble advised him against it, and then the sea sponge proceeded to explain to Squidward that Kelpy G was not as benevolent or as nice as he appeared to be. While walking past the recording studio in Downtown Bikini Bottom with a sunglasses wearing Patrick, SpongeBob overheard Kelpy G on his 2007 Orange phone as much like me Kelpy was a firm hater of modern tech, and basically shit talked Squidward as he said to his manager on the phone, "hey chillax bro, I know the guy's a loser that's why we're putting him on the stage, besides after that we can crap in the chapter room, and make that fool clean it up." The chapter room is a room where you keep chapters. Oh! Upon realising that Kelpy G was never really his friend, Squidward realised that perhaps Squilliam was the friend that was there all along. Squidward and Squilliam headed on over to SpongeBob's pineapple house instead for some cups of SpongeBob's acclaimed hot sweet cocoa. "Hey Squidy thanks for your help today, I really feel like you helped me to turn a corner." Squilliam explained happily as he then explained that while Squidward was having his little minecart episode, he found the bag of ibuprofen that had been tossed out and was about to take one of the tablets, but in his mind he was stopped by a voice that sounded like my hero Vin Diesel and it simply said, "pack it in mug's game." "Solid advice." Squidward remarked, however upon entry of the pineapple home more problems began to arise as it turned out that Squilliam's ibuprofen dealer Ryder was hanging out in SpongeBob's kitchen attempting to make his own sweet wumpa after his main supplier got arrested by being very rude. He was an incredibly nasty supplier, and yet he had the best shit in town and a sick shirt that makes you wanna cry. Und I did. Anyways, Ryder was very angry with Squilliam because he was very behind on his payment for the last box of painkillers that Ryder supplied him with. "Hey man, I need my money or else I'm gonna get real mad!" Ryder warned as he nearly let the entire house ablaze by smoking a huge blunt right next to the can of soup, but SpongeBob got him to stop to which Ryder then looked at SpongeBob like he was a piece of toast and butter as he asked, "man are you a buster?"

Squidward and Squilliam may have been able to deal with Bruno without any problems, but Ryder had a lot of power in Bikini Bottom as an entire subsidiary of his gang operated down there and were heavily involved in the rackets whatever that means, and Ryder was smart too as he kept his ear to the ground and had several fronts and was thought of by the public to be a legitimate businessman even investing money into Mrs Puff's Boating House. Matter of fact; Ryder was the one who helped to get the lighthouse rebuilt each and every time that poor ole Mrs Puff crashes into it during one of SpongeBob's many many many failed driving tests. Hey what's for tea tonight Puff Momma chilly? Ryder was so distracted by his flaming flames that he failed to notice that Squidward and Squilliam had began making their leave using a secret passageway that SpongeBob led them to which was located underneath the floorboards of SpongeBob's library. Running down the streets, the trio came across a man riding a baseball glove. Yeah, no joke I guess the animators must have been of drunk on wimp rat juice or something when they animated this segment of the episode, as the man was riding the glove like a bicycle. I want to ride my bicycle I want to ride my bike! Anyways, Squidward pushed the man onto the road where he was ran over by a bus but he didn't seem to mind all that much as he made a weird gesture with his hand before saying, "let's put a pen in it." That man was proper weird as he rode that baseball glove to school everyday, and while riding past cars the kids inside would get their parents to look at the man but they saw no man which made them suspect that their children might be getting tip offs from Mr Drott. Ryder and his gang started chasing after the baseball glove riding renegades, but they were caught up by a group of Ballas and Ryder was perplexed on what to do about the situation to which one of the gang members simply suggested throwing shoes at them which Ryder did. He threw some premium Nike shoes right at the Ballas which somehow caused the shoe to explode killing all the Ballas present. Damn those are some hot Nikes! Meanwhile, Squidward and Squilliam arrived at Bikini Bottom International Airport with SpongeBob accompanying him as I think that is a rule that SpongeBob has to be in very single episode of the damn show even in ones that he really has no place in, but that's a story for another day I like to call it the leaky sponge. Squidward then said, "Squilliam; that plane over there on the runway is going to take you to the Great Barrier Reef which is out of Ryder and Bruno's jurisdiction." "But what of you Squidward? I can't go without you!" Squilliam pleaded to which Squidward responded with, "listen to me now if you don't get on that plane you'll regret it maybe not today but someday and for the rest of your life."

Realising that Ryder was not going to let up and that Bruno would eventually uncover the deception, Squilliam sadly accepted Squidward's terms and conditions, and turned towards the plane which shimmered like gold in the late evening sky. Squilliam got on the plane, and waved one final goodbye to Squidward as he rode off to the Great Barrier Reef ready to start a new identity. Suddenly, as the plane departed the airport, Ryder showed up holding an AK47 and asked Squidward, "hey where is this fool?" Squidward struggled to answer, but he was aided by SpongeBob who was dressed up as a big burly security guard and his chin now looked like the mighty chin of a certain Stan Smith. SpongeBob then lied in a big boisterous voice, "I killed Squilliam." "Oh shit man guess we better go." Ryder said as both he and his gang left the scene with a fart which must of smelt really bad as it caused Squidward's nose to fall off, and it actually killed the gang member that Ryder was carpooling with as he refused to let the poor dude crack open a window. It's just not done that way. Squidward wrapped his tentacle around SpongeBob who was now dressed in his normal attire, and the pair made their way towards the sunrise as Squidward then said happily, "you know something SpongeBob? I think that this could be the start of a beautiful friendship." Oh, and then Squidward turned his head 360 degrees to glare at me as he then said how next time when he needs help I had better talk back to him. Will do, but then the normal credits began to play, but there was a scene which played alongside the credits which showcased Squidward receiving postcards from Squilliam detailing his new life in the Great Barrier Reef with it basically explaining that Squilliam now bunked in an old apartment complex with two Rastafarian Jellyfish who were incredibly sinister to most but they were very nice to Squilliam and they spent most evenings playing GameCube together. Realising that Squidward was getting quite hung up on ole Squilliam, SpongeBob and Patrick opted to do something nice for their cephalopod chum, and got him a free ticket to the Great Barrier Reef, and they escorted Squidward onto a bus but Squidward didn't know about the trip and assumed that the pair were sending him to his death, and he had time to escape as the bus began heading towards the Great Barrier Reef. The episode then ended with no post credit scene, but there was a brief bumper of sorts which had a fat fucking rat named Monty who pointed at the screen and yelled, "you better tell somebody!" Get off my screen you ugly rat! You've clearly been spending too much with Henry Tomasino Mr Rat.

I have to say that was a very satisfying conclusion and answer as to where Squilliam disappeared off to, he was simply hiding in the Great Barrier Reef but maybe one day and that day may never come ole Squilly will show his face in Bikini Bottom once more, but until that day I accept this episode as a satisfying conclusion to his character in which he and Squidward finally come to realise that they actually have common ground, plus it's always nice seeing that big brute Larry getting put in his place. I never liked Larry, and maybe now you can see why. Also, side note; one time Larry tried to eat a bunch of worms while they were still alive yeah he is one sick twisted lobster! I was taken out of my thoughts when my incredibly smelly front door was kicked open by Mayor Reynolds who was accompanied by Manuel. I was pinned down to the ground by Reynold's bodyguard as Reynolds then pointed at me as he said, "I've been watching you for quite some kid, I have to say you really let me down." "Okay creep what are you talking about exactly?" I asked as Mayor Reynolds rudely pushed me out of my own fricking house out on the pavement and up towards his car which had the American confederate flag thrown proudly across it, and as if Mayor Reynolds couldn't be any more American he also had an eagle ornament sitting proudly on the hood of the car. I was thrown into the car as Mayor Reynolds pinched my ear as he got into the back with me and then said, "take a ride with me, I'll explain everything. We're heading up to Greendale Park for you to learn your lesson." Basically, that prick Samsung Bare played me like a fiddle. His bosses over at Nickolodeon's Greendale branch had caught him in the act of selling the DVD to me, and wanting to save his own skin he lied that I had threatened him and feeling sorry for the little man Nick offered to make Bare a script editor in exchange for his silence regarding the contents of the DVD. Hmph! Some friend you are Samsung Bare! Why do I get the feeling that this isn't the first time this has happened to somebody that has associated with that scoundrel! Reaching Greendale Park, I was placed into the stocks and got fruit thrown at me but I did not care as I actually kind of liked the way the tomatoes felt as they squashed up against my face. Plus, I wouldn't mind smelling of fruit for awhile instead of smelling like cherry coke all the dang time which I currently do. Eventually, I was released from the stocks and I had myself a pint of lager with Mayor Reynolds at the local inn, and Reynolds then said that I had atoned for my sins as he then said that he has just one more job for me to do.

Confused, I then asked, "okay so what is it? What's the big secret? Lay it on man." "A clean thinker I like that!" Mayor Reynolds remarked as he puffed on a mighty Hardbrooke cigar as he then said, "I got me this zombie problem over in Hepburn that needs some seeing to." "Zombies you mean metaphorically right?" I asked, but Mayor Reynolds had no idea what a metaphor is, but he knows what onomatopoeia means I tell you what! I was tasked with beating up zombies in the town square, and I was accompanied by a massive eight foot tall incredibly strong Russian thug named Ivan who wanted to protect me and he claimed that he was strong enough to take down Phillipe whatever that means. I eventually cleared out the zombies with Ivan's help of course, and I was allowed to go free like a bird by Mayor Reynolds who happened to be a man of his word. Upon returning home the following day after a rigorous night on the town with Ivan, I heard a knocking at my door which was no longer smelly as I had given that sucker a right good wash I answered the door to be greeted by Postman Pat who claimed that he had been sitting under my porch, and that he needs a rehanger. Smiling, I then said, "you know what you need? A nice hot cup of tea! You got to time?" "For you Cherry I got all day!" Postman Post proclaimed in his trademark obnoxious voice, but it no longer bothered me like it used to as I then leaned in a bit as I proclaimed, "oh great!" Postman Post and I headed on to the kitchen and had ourselves a helping of Glennie sandwiches, cups of tea, and the finest plate of scones this side of Greendale. You know what they say a scone and tea at half past three makes the day that little bit easier. As I sip on my tea with a scone on a plate, I have this to say; I hope one day that Squilliam Fancyson will return to our screens, but it was good to finally know the truth however, and although I hate that fool Samsung Bare for throwing me under the bus I have to thank him for giving me that DVD as I now I know the full story of what happened to Squilliam Fancyson. Maybe someday soon, Vincent Weller and the other higher ups at Nick's inner circle will realise that they need to release the Fancyson, but until that day I'm loving these scones instead.