Gimme the Loot

The Acolytes in Sexy Tights are called to stop The Returned from raiding the Vault of Kruphix.

## Major Plot Points

* While sailing back to Setessa, the party found Puke Wilson in the open water on a small rowboat. After some debate, Muchomucho M Amor threw him a rope and let him board. Puke exclaimed he won it big at a casino in Setessa after he last saw the party. He's been on a bender ever since is now in a lot of debt.
* Pansexual Dora visited the party that night as an astral projection. She asked the party to protect the Vault of Kruphix. The Returned found it and were stealing its magic items and secrets. A fog enveloped The Salty Swallow - Come Sail A Gay - It's a Mouthful and the Acolytes were sent to the floating temple.
* When they arrived, they saw a Returned vessel and a gargantuan ship destroyed in the vault's harbor.
* SBG3 dove into the water and sank to the bottom of the ocean. He found a dead giant and stole its one gold coin (worth 50 in humanoid currency). Sybil Ringwell cast Animal Friendship on a nearby turtle and learned that the ships fought against each other. Each ship sent some of their crew into the vault.
* Muchomucho consulted a crow on how to get inside the marble building that didn't have any windows or doors. The crow said he saw humanoids knock on the wall and say something he couldn't understand because "it's all porpoise" to him. Puke knocked on the wall and answered the riddle to get inside.
* The party entered a Kruphix chapel first. Muchomucho, Puke, Sybil, and SBG3 whispered secrets to the statue and a teleportation circle appeared in his four hands.
* SBG3 found a scroll up one of the statue's sleeves and gave it to Muchomucho. The high elf read the following hidden knowledge, "Many gods have chosen to not directly involve themselves in the lives of their followers. Kruphix worries the Theros pantheon is too innately woven into society. If a god signs this document, it will cut them off from their oracles. Their role will be relegated to that of an observer."
* SBG3, Muchomucho, Puke and Aryan Grande all stepped on different circles. Sybil and Dikarus Bottombane both took the second one after Aryan.
* The party was teleported into a hallway with different runes cast on the tiles. Puke saw a mural of Heliod painted on the ceiling. The group followed the sun tiles into the next chamber.
* The following chamber was flooded and had a large kraken statue in the middle of it. Puke deduced it was dedicated to the goddess Poseidra. SBG3 went into the pool and destroyed the kraken statue. This caused a whirlpool and a lightning storm. The party had to swim or jump over the waves and into a vent in the floor while being hit by lightning. It was at this point Clows Kufas caught up with the party.
* The next room was a garden where two chimeras rested and a golden nymph tended to an apple tree. Puke assailed the nymph, demanding he tell them how to get out of this room. One chimera rose to defend him. The three-headed beast let loose its fire breath on Clows, Puke, SBG3, and Sybil. Dikarus struck it with his soul blade. Puke pierced it with his rapier. Sybil and Muchomucho launched minute meteors. SBG3 brought it down with a critical scorching ray. The second chimera cried out and cuddled close to her nest filled with eggs. The nymph tearily explained all the party had to do was walk through the door in peace or help him garden to leave.
* In a library, the Acolytes found a mage being controlled by two gossip ghouls. They were telling her the secrets they learned that cursed them. Clows tried to take the mage's place at the desk but succumbed to the ghouls' gossip. Sybil's magic and Puke's sleight of hand were able to move the mage out from between them and replace her with an illusionary copy. The two gossip ghouls kept talking faster and higher until their heads exploded. Puke deceived the mage into thinking she killed the chimera and had a lot to make up for in the other room. SBG3 convinced her to give him her fire elemental gem as she couldn't be trusted with powerful magic.
* The party was able to figure out part of the secret knowledge - Klothys' hair represents the mortal souls of Theros. When your strand is cut, you die. What most people don't know is that she has a hair that represents her own life as well.
* The group entered a hallway filled with urns. Aryan's unseen servant opened one and found a scroll. The scroll read, "Erebos worked with Kruphix to develop the godkiller potion. Kruphix sees it as the ultimate contingency plan. Erebos sees it as eliminating his enemies." Clows investigated another urn and found a scroll that read, "When Athreos died as a mortal, he brought gifts to Klothys, Kruphix, Pharika, Mogis, and Erebos. He hoped they’d reward him with godhood. They turned him into the ferryman and cast his treasures back to Theros. They said if he could collect his treasures again, they’d relieve him of his service and make him a proper god. He hopes the payment he requests from depart souls will turn make his treasure turn up. He has none of the five treasures." Puke investigated another urn and found a key. Opening a fourth urn unleashed a banshee's scream. The party decided to move on after that.
* The Acolytes found themselves in a museum. SBG3 recognized the displayed gowns as belonging to the late Queen Penelope and her ancestors. An elderly woman tried to test their classiness here. SBG3 accosted the woman for her chosen profession, uppityness, and classism. Sybil felt bad after seeing her get upset and took the test, which the group passed. After more harassment, she transformed into her dusk hag self and scratched at the party as they ran out.
* A cloud giant named Cloudia Windwalker was shifting in and out of her cloud form trying to escape the next room. It was filled with tools and scrap metal. She introduced herself to the party as a treasure hunter and was very boastful about her strength and success. She was clearly injured and tired though. SBG3 convinced her that they could carry her the rest of the way and they'd split the loot 50/50. He trapped her in an empty bottle after she turned into a cloud so they could use her in the godkiller potion. The anvilwrought artificer then crafted a key so the party could get to the next level. He also discovered a secret scroll he didn't reveal to the group.
* A centaur in the sparring room wanted to beat the party in a series of contests. Seeing that they were injured, he agreed they could rest before taking his challenge. Even after their rest, the party lost the contest. Alpha Centauri said he'd let them pass if they promised to steal the Spear of Iroas for him. The group feigned an agreement and left a hyped up bottle of champagne as collateral.
* The next hall was covered in spider webs. Aryan figured out the webs were musical and played Its Bitsy Spider to open the door.
* The party found a dead man inside an office behind the door. The group figured out the man died from licking a poisoned envelope. Puke found a key and a scroll that read, "Pharika assisted Kruphix and Erebos in making the god killer potion. Her simple motive was to see if she could make a poison powerful enough to kill a god. She wants to study the body of any god killed by it."
* In an armory, the party was posed a riddle by a Mogis statue, "Give me what I seek. It chooses the noble and the meek. It’s always running and runs fastest in war. Summoned with steel, it opens the door." Sybil cut her palm and offered her blood to open the door. Her blood then spelled out a secret. "Mogis once had Purphoros build him the deadliest axe he could forge. Purphoros was so scared of his own creation he hid it away. Mogis is still searching for the axe."
* In the final chamber, the party discovered a group of Returned led by Vanora Wake stealing items from the vault. Puke stabbed Vanora with his rapier. Clows slowed the triton Returned pirate and one of her crew. Vanora unleashed a destructive wave, which knocked Sybil out. SBG3 threw scorching rays at the undead pirate captain but she proved resistant to fire. Muchomucho summoned a demonic ape but he quickly lost control of it. Aryan fired with her crossbow. Clows used his gravity magic to attack the Returned crew. Vanora cast blight on Puke and knocked him out. SBG3's eldritch cannon gave the party a much needed HP boost and revived Sybil. Sybil cast confusion on a Returned pirate. Muchomucho launched minute meteors. The demonic ape kept attacking wildly. Dikarus struck Vanora with his soul blade. Aryan sniped at the crew with her crossbow. Clows grabbed Puke and teleported him closer to the cannon so he could be revived. Vanora tried to cast cone of cold but the slow spell delayed it. SBG3 cast arms of Hadar on Vanora and her crew. Sybil was finally able to take Vanora and one of her crew down with a fireball spell. Her magic circle also entrapped the demonic ape. The last Returned crew member was destroyed by SBG3's eldritch blast.
* With their enemy defeated the party looked at the vault's inventory. Puke found a helm and put it on. The power within the helm was too great and it aged Puke rapidly until he turned to dust. Aryan stepped up to claim an axe that was turned into a string instrument called the Death Metal Axe. She withstood its might and added it to her arsenal. Sybil then reached out to the Lash of the Damned. She too withstood the dark forces within her chosen weapon and claimed her prize. Clows stepped forward to grab the Trident of the Storm. The power was too much and turned Clows into a living puddle. SBG3 drank the Poisoner's Potion and became snake-like. Dikarus was able to claim the Bow of the Huntress. The power was almost too much but Aryan's bardic inspiration helped him overcome it. Muchomucho successfully put on the Ring of the Seasons.
* On their way out, they gave Alpha Centauri the helm that killed Puke. SBG3 lied and said the spear he wanted was destroyed. Alpha Centauri put on the helm and withstood its power. His eyes glowed white and he said, "I see everything." The centaur then teleported away.
* The Acolytes held a short funeral for Puke back on their ship.