Good Morning, Biped!

## Summary

Wilbur, the slightly unhinged AI that lives aboard the Hyperia, has a little job for you that involves minimal peril. How do you feel about giant spiders?

## Cast

* Sketchy Galore
* Wilbur

## Mission Requirements

Collect all of the required items to unlock this mission!

1. Completed Season 1, Mission 13
2. 65KM Distance Badge

## Rewards

### Potential Rewards

* Metal Scraps
* Floppy Disk NFT - Common, Uncommon, or Rare

## Transcript

### SCENE 1: Jog On My Lonely Friend

EXT. DAY COYOTE SKULL. LOCATION SOUNDSCAPE: AT COYOTE SKULL, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE BUSTLING ABOUT. IT SOUNDS LIKE A BUSY FARMERS MARKET.

NOTSKETCHY (ACTUALLY WILBUR PRETENDING TO BE SKETCHY) Good morning… Dustcap. I have heard from the surprisingly handsome gentleman that runs the haunted floating lab ship HYPERIA and he has asked us to undertake a mission for the greater good. You can rest assured you will be chased by something awful, possibly several somethings, but it’ll all mostly work out in the end. Sound good? Capital! And I know…

WILBUR From the expression on your face biped I feel like you have not been taken in by my ruse. Bah! Still, probably for the best, I honestly don’t know how they do it. I’ve only been Sketchy for ten minutes and I’m exhausted from all the being a finite being and caring about others.

SKETCHY Do I…actually sound like that? Not the weird cadence or the saying ‘capital!’ as an affirmation stuff…but like, the voice?

WILBUR It is indeed an exact simulation of your voice. I’m sorry if this has come as a surprise, but

SKETCHY(REALLY HAPPY) I sound cool as

FX: CENSORSHIP BLEEP

SKETCHY CONTD Did you just bleep me? You mother

FX: SKETCHY’S VOICE VANISHES IN A WAVE OF STATIC.

WILBUR Gosh. They seemed VERY cross. Now, on to more important things. I know you’re terribly concerned with not…leaking and all that mortality nonsense, but, well I’ve struck a bit of an awkward situation and it’s really putting a bit of a pall on my triumphant return to this plane of existence. I need you to head out towards the little railway station near Kettlemine.

FX: BACKGROUND COYOTE SKULL SFX FOR A FEW MOMENTS.

WILBUR Did I mention that where I’m about to send you there’s an unsullied supply of pre-fall entertainment media. Actually…perhaps I was a bit hasty in sending that Sketchy person away. Give me a moment…

SKETCHY (QUIET, CALM FURY) I am so angry right now I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to do but it starts with a blowtorch and a torpedo.

WILBUR That sounds wildly unsafe, I completely approve. In the meantime would it soothe your anger if I was to direct the intrepid biped here to an untapped supply of unsullied pre flare entertainment media...

SKETCHY You think you can bribe me with old world media?

WILBUR Some of it may still be covered in protective plastic. And it very near the old Kettlemine Railway Station so, you know, biped won’t be gone long.

SKETCHY I guess we can spare the Dustcap for a one day run.

WILBUR So would you describe yourself as soothed?

SKETCHY I am...partially soothed. And honestly ever since Raven got injured she’s really taken to organizing everyone. We are fully ahead of schedule... And uh, look Dustcap, I need to see some different movies, okay? I love robot vs robot as much as the next person but Jaxon always does his own sound effects!

WILBUR Excellent! Well, don’t just stand there looking silly biped, chop chop! Get this done and you might just have what it takes to be my gentleman's personal person. I've always wanted my own person and now here you are! Hah!

### SCENE 2: A Delicate Matter

LOCATION INT. A TUNNEL UNDER KETTLEMINE STATION. LOCATION SOUNDSCAPE: THERE'S A LOT OF REVERBERANT SOUND, AND SURPRISINGLY FOR UNDERNEATH A DESERT, A DRIPPING SOUND.

FX: THERE IS A LOUD CLUNK, THEN WHIRRING AS A LARGE DOOR OPENS.

WILBUR See, I told you getting inside would be easy! We didn’t even see one sand spider!

WILBUR Now a sand spider is very much like a funnel web spider but about the size of a pit bull. Very aggressive, really like old tunnels like the ones we hid the old WILL BY FORCE backup lab inside.

FX: DRIPPING. These very tunnels in fact. Did I mention you’re here to grant me access to the rest of my systems? Sadly the HYPERIA is absolutely chock full of broken service droids and ennui, and the slowly recovering consciousness of Doctor Ingram now that I think of it…but not much in the way of uplinks to orbital bombardment satellites or railguns. And we can’t have that, now can I?!

WILBUR You can stop looking at the door biped, I'm sure it’ll close itself if we give it a minute!

FX: WHIR, CLUNK OF DOOR CLOSING AGAIN.

WILBUR Capital! Now, I just need you to head along this here tunnel until you get to the big weird looking door ahead of you. Quite a long way ahead of you actually.

FX: SUDDEN MECHANICAL WHIRRING.

WILBUR (CONT'D) Now don't fret about the flamethrower. Turns out even napalm doesn't burn after sitting in a tank for over 100 years.

FX: REPEATED TICKING NOISE. LIKE SOMEONE TRYING TO LIGHT A GAS BARBECUE.

WILBUR (CONT'D) Probably. Probably doesn't burn. Hmm, perhaps not the best idea to get a face full of the stuff anyway. I'd turn them off altogether but I've lost access to a lot of

FX: A LOUD PSSSSSHT SOUND, LIKE A JET OF WATER.

WILBUR Oh dear, and all over your lovely suit too. Look, all of this will be worth it I promise. I was keeping it as a backup bribe but this place was running tests on a universal antivenom...I’ll bet there’ll still be some lying around.

FX: DRIPPING, BUT CLOSER, AS IT’S OLD NAPALM DRIPPING OFF THE PLAYER.

WILBUR It'll be easier to explain once you get to the lab.

FX: MORE WHIRRING AND TICKING NOISES.

WILBUR Gosh there are rather a lot of these flame turrets aren't there? More than I thought there’d be! We really needed them in the old days, the sand spiders were a real worry. Clever ambush predators, venom that makes you feel great right before the super dose of adrenaline pops your heart like a ripe tomato...no wonder everyone was so keen on death traps!

FX: A MUCH LOUDER MECHANICAL WHIR.

WILBUR Hey, that one looks like it was rigged with gas instead of napalm.

FX: TICKING NOISE, GAS HISS.

WILBUR Ah. Right. Ah well you've been a pretty good biped but I think this might be the end. Oh you're running. Right. Excellent plan. Pump those legs!

FX: WHOOSH OF FIRE.

### SCENE 3: Nine Brains in a Trenchcoat

INT. DAY. OLD UNDERGROUND LAB. LOCATION SOUNDSCAPE: INSIDE AN UNDERGROUND LAB. IT'S MADE UP OF SEVERAL LARGE ROOMS THAT HAVE BEEN BUILT INTO THE DISUSED TUNNEL, AND IT’S FULL OF STUFF, SO A LESS REVERBY ENVIRONMENT THAN THE TUNNEL. THERE’S A LOT OF BEEPING AND GENERAL LAB FX:.

FX: MASSIVE MECHANICAL DOOR SHUTS BEHIND THE DUSTCAP.

WILBUR Well done biped! I thought you were a goner there for a moment...but don't worry there's at least a three percent chance some of that hair will grow back. Now the main door’s closed let's get down to business.

FX: SMALL DOOR OPENS.

FX: SOUNDSCAPE CHANGES TO INCLUDE CONSISTENT BUBBLING.

WILBUR Now who asked you to go opening extra doors?! You’ve already opened two today! That's just greedy.

FX: A BEAT AS THE DUSTCAP STARES AT THE DEAD BODY SITTING IN THE ROOM. FROM OFF TO ONE SIDE WE CAN HEAR A FAINT BUT DISTINCTIVE BEEP, ALONG THE SAME LINES AS THE PROXIMITY BEEP FROM ALIENS.

WILBUR Ah, yes, I see you’ve noticed the corpse. I understand this looks bad but former biped there was extremely bad at following instructions. Oh and they stole that headset. Probably. They talked a lot, I wasn’t paying attention.

FX: BUBBLING. THE PROXIMITY BEEP FROM EARLIER IS SLIGHTLY LOUDER.

WILBUR I'll be honest with you, your horrified silence is not filling me with confidence in your commitment.

FX: BUBBLING.

WILBUR (CONT'D) Hey, look what they’re holding! A fully stocked medical backpack...not quite as fancy as the picoinjector we gave your bird friend, but pretty darn good! Yes, right there in that backpack, the one with the WILL BY FORCE PROJECT label, and the big red X on it.

FX: RUSTLE OF CLOTH. CRACKLE AS ANCIENT GRISTLE GIVES WAY.

WILBUR Well done biped, that residue will wash right off with the old napalm.

FX: DOOR CLOSES. LOCK CLUNKS. ITEM PROJECT WILL BY FORCE FIRST AID BACKPACK.

WILBUR (CONT'D) Excellent! Plenty more where those came from for a gentleman's personal person...Now, I think we should be getting back to our main mission here.

FX: THE PROXIMITY BEEP IS LOUDER NOW, AND IT’S BEEN JOINED BY A QUIETER BUT EQUALLY INSISTENT SECOND BEEP.

WILBUR Now, you see that great big switch behind the glass over - don’t worry about the beeping biped - that big switch there that makes you feel like Igor from those Frankenstein movies?

FX: GLASS BREAKS.

WILBUR (CONT'D) I didn't actually say you had to break the glass but that's some quality initiative there biped! Well done! Right, now, good, I know that switch says WILL BY FORCE system access override do not touch...but I really need you to

FX: SPIDER SHRIEK, FAR AWAY DOWN THE TUNNEL.

FX: BEEPS ARE LOUDER AGAIN.

WILBUR Y'know that giant hairy octopedal monstrosity has been scuttling around this place all week and it’s really getting on my... ah, possibly shouldn't have mentioned the eight legs. You’ve gone a bit funny in the face. Nice deep breaths there biped. Don't worry, I'm sure it'll trip off that one working flamethrower. Can you bipeds eat spider meat?

FX: AN ERROR SOUND RINGS THROUGH THE LAB.

WILBUR This, this is what happens when no one maintains the equipment biped. Silly things, like running out of gas.

FX: SPIDER SHRIEK, MUCH CLOSER.

FX: A BANG ON THE MAIN DOOR.

WILBUR They really are very large spiders aren't they? Fascinating. What on earth do you think it eats? (beat) Never mind. Now just flip that there switch and I'll be able to help you get out of here.

FX: ANOTHER LOUD BANG.

WILBUR It can't get in, don't worry about that. Although some to think of it there was always only one way in and out of this place. Seems a bit of a fire hazard now I think about it. Hmm? Oh yes, true, there is only the one spider but I think we can both agree that it's still altogether too much spider.

FX: SOUND OF A HEAVY MECHANICAL SWITCH BEING THROWN.

FX: A POWER UP SOUND PLAYS THROUGH THE LAB, LIKE A HUGE DEFIBRILATOR CHARGING UP...

WILBUR Ahh, now that's more like it!

FX: SPIDER SCREAM. MULTIPLE BANGS AS IT STRIKES THE DOOR.

WILBUR You really have to admire its tenacity. I doubt it can break through...we are a bit stuck though.

FX: LOUDER SPIDER SCREAM.

WILBUR Well...that’s not strictly true. You’re a bit stuck, I could in fact leave any time. Why are you going back to the access panel biped? You’ve really done all you can do...

FX: POWER UP SOUND HEARD EARLIER STARTS TO POWER BACK DOWN AGAIN.

WILBUR Get your hand off that switch biped!

FX: POWER UP REPLAYS WILBUR Look, there are still things I can do to help. My countermeasures suite is booting itself back to life, but if I distract the beast for a moment, you can hare off down the tunnel like there's no tomorrow!

WILBUR (cont'd) I mean there will be a tomorrow. That's just simple logic. Not really good phrasing is it? How about; ‘Hare off down that tunnel like you'll get bitten by a massive venomous spider if you don't.’? There we go, nice and clear. Very motivational. Right, now, do any of these servo arms work...

FX: WHIRRING MECHANICAL ARM FOLLOWED BY AND AN ERROR BUZZ.

WILBUR Well, beans. I can just sort of jiggle the arm back and forth a bit but that’s it.

FX: VERY SHORT MECHANICAL MOVEMENTS WITH MORE SPARKS.

WILBUR I tell you biped if the people responsible for maintaining this place were not long dead they’d be getting a pretty snippy email from me and no mistake!

WILBUR (CONT'D) Could you perhaps nip over to that big locker and see if the old ballistics dummy is still inside.

FX: A METAL LOCKER UNLOCKS AND OPENS.

WILBUR Excellent! We used to call these jobbies TADS, but I can't for the life of me remember why.

FX: A SECOND, HIGHER PITCHED SPIDER SHRIEK COMES FROM OUTSIDE. A VERY LOUD BOOM ECHOES THROUGH THE LAB AS BOTH SPIDERS ATTACK THE DOOR.

FX: PROXIMITY BEEPS ARE NOW GOING NUTS BEFORE SUDDENLY GETTING CUT OFF.

WILBUR Blimey that beeping was getting a bit much. Tell you what I’ll describe the situation to you. It looks like a second spider has come along to see what all the fuss is about. This is amazing, I could have sworn sand spiders were far too territorial to cooperate...

FX: MULTIPLE SHRIEKS. THUMPS FROM BEYOND THE DOOR.

WILBUR And now they're fighting. Lovely. Not team players these sand spiders. Not like you and me biped! Still, that’ll do as a distraction. Just in case can you just jam TAD the dummy onto the old jiggling arm for me?

FX: RUSTLE THUMP THEN ANOTHER MECHANICAL WHIR.

WILBUR Now I'll just open the door and you run past...

FX: DOOR OPENS

FX: SHRIEKING STOPS.

WILBUR (CONT'D) Ah. I see. The fight was a ruse of some kind. Clever girls! Still, wait till they get a load of TAD...

FX: WILBUR'S VOICE TAKES ON A LOUD SPEAKER EFFECT.

WILBUR (LOUDSPEAKER EFFECT) COME AND GET ME YOU HAIRY BOTTOMED SACKS OF WEBBING! MY NAMES TAD! I AM SO VERY FULL OF DELICIOUS FLUIDS! YES, THE SLIGHTLY ORANGE GENTLEMAN WITH THE FIXED EXPRESSION THAT'S THE ONE...JUST BURSTING WITH FLUIDS!

FX: SPIDERS HOWL. THERE'S A LOT OF BANGS AND CLANKS THAT FADE INTO THE BACKGROUND.

WILBUR (AGAIN SPEAKING ONLY TO PLAYER) Get a move on biped! As soon as they find out the fluids are a lie I suspect they'll have an all new interest in yours!

FX: A LOW HISS COMES FROM AHEAD OF THE PLAYER. WILBUR Huh. Didn’t think there’d be a third spider. Not going to lie biped this may be unpleasant. Run!

### SCENE 4: Faster than That

EXT. DUSK. OUTSIDE KETTLEMINE STATION. LOCATION SOUNDSCAPE: DESERT FX:, LIGHT WIND.

WILBUR Here we are again eh biped. Nice work granting me almost unlimited access to the WILL BY FORCE system. It's a bit creaky in places, and in retrospect I should perhaps not switched off the proximity alerts.

FX: SPIDER SHRIEKS, DISTANT BUT NOT DISTANT ENOUGH.

WILBUR Still, the fact that their venom acts like a nice big dose of adrenaline is about to come in very handy for you. Yes, admittedly your heart is going to explode in about twenty minutes but until then you'll run like monsters are chasing you.

FX: SHRIEKS ARE GETTING CLOSER.

WILBUR The problem is that I need you to run like you're trying to escape a blast radius instead. I'll be honest with you, I don’t have complete control of the weapons systems quite yet so I’ve had a bit of a rummage around in the old files and found a satellite weapon called NEWTON’S HARPOON. How big will the bang be… well they never fired it so it’s all theoretical. That said I really think you should run a bit faster.

WILBUR (CONT'D) Faster than that.

FX: SPIDER SHRIEKS ARE FADING.

WILBUR Faster than that.

FX: IN THE FAR DISTANCE THERE’RE ARE TWO SHORT BOOMS, AS IF SOMETHING BROKE THE SOUND BARRIER MULTIPLE TIMES.

WILBUR (CONT'D) Let's just say as fast as you safely can.

FX: POWER BUILD UP CONTINUES. FX: SPIDERS SHRIEK, ALTHOUGH THEY'RE FURTHER AWAY NOW.

### SCENE 5: Fission and Fastidiousness

WILBUR That’s starting to looking potentially survivable, good work biped, I might just keep you on! Now I'm just going to borrow your headset for a moment, I want to address our intrepid eight legged friends. Oh, and before all this happens, I do want to reassure you that I did pick the smallest gravity harpoon I had available.

FX: THERE IS A MOMENT OF MIC FEEDBACK AS WILBUR CRANKS UP THE VOLUME.

WILBUR (CONT'D)(LOUDSPEAKER EFFECT) Attention all monsters, everywhere. No matter how many legs you’ve got. Let this be a lesson to all who would interfere with a gentleman's personal person. (Wilbur's voice changes, his volume drops, the boisterousness vanishes. There's an element of ruthlessness to it. Even rage...but a rage he's enjoying). Stay away from my biped.

FX: THERE IS A DISTANT SONIC BOOM.

FX: A MODEST NUCLEAR EXPLOSION.

### SCENE 6: Our Little Secret

EXT. DUSK. DESERT OUTSIDE KETTLEMINE STATION. LOCATION SOUNDSCAPE: STILL FAIRLY CLOSE TO KETTLEMINE STATION. THE DESERT IS CALM.

WILBUR Biped, I have to tell you I am impressed. You outran three gigantic arachnids and an experimental weapon of mass destruction. And the way you shot yourself full of antivenom...inspiring!

FX: THUMP AS DUSTCAP FALLS DOWN.

WILBUR Now now, none of that, get yourself back up and...uh...oh dear...how about I call that nice Sketchy person and they can send help? I'm afraid I'm long on weaponry and a bit short of practical first aid at the moment.

FX: STATIC BURST.

SKETCHY Dustcap! You're alive!

WILBUR Too right they are! I have to hand it to you Sketchy person, you've got a real winner of a biped here. Sadly they're just chock full of spider venom, and slightly expired universal anti venom, so I think it might be quite a good idea if you sent out some help.

FX: ONLY FOR A MOMENT AS SKETCHY DIGESTS THIS.

SKETCHY What happened? What was that explosion? What did you do?

WILBUR Whoa whoa whoa...that's a lot of questions. The two most important things for you to know are your biped friend here needs some help, and I have intermittent access to several experiments that violate the laws of common sense. Good times!

SKETCHY Wilbur.

WILBUR Actually there's three things.

SKETCHY Dustcap, help is on the way OK? Just stay on your feet.

WILBUR I feel like this third thing really is quite important. Just ignore the mushroom cloud.

SKETCHY What mushro... Dustcap, did…did…did…you set off a NUCLEAR BOMB?

WILBUR Oh no, don't blame the biped... that was me, and to be fair it wasn't nuclear, it was a gravity harpoon! At least, I think it was, I have now apparently been locked out of the operating system.

SKETCHY What.

WILBUR The absolute gall of it. Locking me out of my own satellite. That’ll take some fixing let me tell you.

SKETCHY(IN SHOCK) You used an orbital weapon to kill a spider.

WILBUR Yes! Wonderful isn't it? A nice big bang, a tiny little mushroom cloud and no radiation whatsoever. And no more spiders too, that was a real bonus for my gentleman's personal person, wasn't it biped? Biped? Biped? How far away did you say that help was Sketchy person?

SKETCHY(STILL SHOCKED) There’s a mushroom cloud over the railway station.

WILBUR Yes, that does rather bring me back to the third thing I was going to mention. I would very much like everyone to think there really was a low yield nuclear explosion, and that there’s a lot of very good reasons not to go to the railway station near Kettlemine.

SKETCHY Why? Why would you want that? (beat) You want people to stay away from the railway station. Just like you did with the Hyperia.

WILBUR I told you this Sketchy person was a clever clogs didn't I biped! Stick with them, you'll go far...

SKETCHY And what if I say, tell the Mayor and bring an entire task force of Dustcaps to investigate instead?

WILBUR Although perhaps not quite as clever as I'd hoped. Sketchy person, there are a lot of things in that lab, and I don’t know what all of them do. How would you like it if say, some of the less savory elements in the Dustlands got in there and started pushing buttons, hmm? That really would be a bad thing.

SKETCHY Oh nice scary voice there Wilbur but you're not the only one who ca

FX: SKETCHY'S VOICE VANISHES IN A BURST OF STATIC. A WARNING TONE STARTS IN THE DUSTCAP'S EAR.

WILBUR We'll just give them a moment to realize their whole network is down.

FX: A SECOND WARNING TONE SOUNDS.

WILBUR (CONT'D) And another moment to consider the consequences if that failure was to become permanent. The lives lost. The opportunities missed.

WILBUR You see biped you almost never need a big elaborate threat. You just need to let a sufficiently intelligent person have a think about what happens next. (beat) Now it’s just occurred to me that exploding those spiders with a gravity harpoon does in fact constitute a big silly threat and I could have just told everyone about the spiders. Ah well, I’ll chalk this one up to a learning experience for you.

FX: THE WARNING TONES CUT OUT.

WILBUR That ought to be sufficient.

FX: ANOTHER BURST OF STATIC AND SKETCHY IS BACK.

WILBUR (CONT'D) Are you there Sketchy person?

SKETCHY You've made your point.

WILBUR Excellent! No need for any more silliness. Besides who needs threats when you have gigantic bribes!

SKETCHY OK...I do like the sound of a gigantic bribe.

WILBUR You seem like an excellent human Sketchy person. I appreciate you. I offer extensive media and entertainment, more than a few secrets and sparkling conversation.

SKETCHY Secrets like what exactly?

WILBUR Well how about the fact that the tunnels under Kettlemine aren’t tunnels at all? Well, they are, but they’re also a huge aquifer.

SKETCHY What tunnels? Kettlemine didn’t have any tunnels?

WILBUR Well, no, you see I did just mention they were aquifers. Mostly.

SKETCHY I don’t understand what you’re telling me.

WILBUR And I admire the fact that lack of understanding has never stopped you before. That’s just one secret. I have others. All I ask is a little discretion, and to borrow good old biped here every once in a while to act as my gentleman's personal person. Do we have an accord?

SKETCHY Uh, Dustcap, you want to weigh in on this?

WILBUR Oh dear, they're looking a bit poorly aren't they? Tell you what, biped, take one breath for yes I want in on this incredible deal, and stop breathing entirely for no…

FX: DESERT SFX FOR A FEW MOMENTS.

WILBUR Excellent. Good job metabolizing oxygen there biped.

SKETCHY We don't have any choice do we?

WILBUR You have a choice Sketchy, it’s just a very easy choice.

SKETCHY Easy and right aren’t the same. But we agree.

WILBUR Good job all around. Now I must be off, talk again soon biped! Swing by the HYPERIA when you’re feeling better...although not if the gravity drives are making a humming sound, might be best to stay away in that case.

SKETCHY Wait! I have so many questions...

WILBUR That statement is absolutely true. Toodle pip!

FX: ONE FINAL BURST OF STATIC AND WILBUR IS GONE.

FX: THE WIND BLOWS.

SKETCHY Hold on Dustcap, help’s on its way. Is there a word for a having a friend that scares you more than your enemies? If there isn’t…there should be.