Goons

"Lactose inhaled violently…" -From *The Holy Ryble*

**Information**

Goons act as Lactose's personal task force, warding off threats and protecting him from any form of danger. They are only capable of being summoned when Lactose is experiencing extreme physical or psychological stress. They act as a hive mind attacking targets in a perfectly coordinated manner.

**Goons**

"Hands began to claw from under the ground, unearthing their hideous forms, Lactose had summoned his Goons, clad in hooded trench coats and gas masks, each wielded an axe cobbled together from various metal scraps. Most of them reeked of Chromosomes and each screamed in such an autistic manner that even Peebus was frightened." -From *The Holy Ryble*

The weakest and most numerous form of Goon, each wears a long red coat with a gas mask and combat boots. Goons are incredibly loud and reek of Chromosomes. They wield crude axes in combat.

**Scoundrels**

"The fight against the Scoundrels (yes, there were 57 of them) was exponentially more difficult when compared to the legion of 69,420 Goons that had fallen before them. Scoundrels not only had actual muscle mass when compared to their school shooting brethren, they also had more than one brain cell each and didn’t spend their weekends huffing paint in Detroit." -From *The Holy Ryble*

Scoundrels are created when a Goon kills five other Goons and are incredibly buff and large. Each wears a football helmet and goggles, a vest with a single bandolier of shotgun shells, very tactical gloves, and incredibly tight and furry pants which cut off circulation to their feet; Not that they care, they are too powerful to worry about their tissue dying. Each Scoundrel is equipped with two Ithaca 12 shotguns firing incendiary shells, the extra being stored on the bandolier.

**Scallywags**

Scallywags are almost as durable as a Scoundrel, possessing strength that is twice that of the former. Scallywags prefer to fight with their hands, flailing around wildly like choreographed dancers. They jump quite frequently. Every Scallywag goes through a phase in their life cycle where they worship the superior politician Vermin Supreme.

**Homeless Barry**

Homeless Barry is a unique Goon as he is not connected to the hive mind, he is his own individual. He chooses to wear a winter cap, scarf, winter jacket, and combat boots. He is bald and wields a frying pan in combat.

**The Cursed Goon**

"Once all of the Scoundrels had fallen, one stood back up. He was completely silent, giving off immense black air force energy. Suddenly, his body was enveloped by a black substance, we’re talking omega black, blacker than blick black blickity black blicker than black yo cuz I’m black and I’m back. The black material continued to swarm around the now absolutely massive form, it was shapeless and continuously shifting every which way. Suddenly, and quite alarmingly, a single distorted scream managed to escape the singularity of pure blackness, the form promptly dissipated into a large puddle, still very black." -From *The Holy Ryble*

The Cursed Goon is the final form of a Goon. The penultimate version of it's brethren, it is horrifically powerful, boasting intense speed, strength, and calculatory skills. When faced with a combat scenario, it will swiftly destroy the nearest person, taking their skull and spine to use as a weapon.

**Uber Goon**

"A being of unrivaled hatred, holding more power than that of the Cursed Goon. Beware" -Unknown

It is unknown how an Uber Goon is created. They are immensely powerful, more so than that of the Cursed Goon. Their preferred means of engagement involves bitch slapping an individual into the next dimension.