Fake TPOT 41: Your Own Private-Eye Phones!/part 2

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"**Your Own Private-Eye Phones!**" is the non-canon forty-first episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 25 June 1987. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known as "**Private Eyes (Are Watching You)**", "**Disputes & Debuts**", "**More Disputes, More Debuts**" and "**Hexapocalypse**".

Author's note: This episode will be a little different. Everything will go as usual (with the normal "Cold Open / Cake at Stake / Contest / Voting Screen / Stinger" format), but the scenes will be interspersed with what the Other Wiki calls auditions by the former Filing Cabinetters.

Next episode: "How the Host Was One"

## Contest

### **Flat 2: Pencil and Pen**

**Scene**Split-screen view of the four screens. The "yellow potato" icon of the YeFone gives way to a blank white background. Everyone's phones are finally switching on.
* **Eraser**: Bruh, I'm *blind* from this screen light!
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, stop being, like, *so* dramatic. The light's fine; you should know 'cause of the fire I, like, *radiate* whenever you talk.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Look, something's changed! [*points at her phone*]

[*The blank screen has turned into the first page of the Indus-Gram registration process, a log-in screen where you can choose your username and password.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: *Username* and *password*. Have any ideas what to use?
* **P****en**: Can we choose from anything we want?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Anything that's within the permitted limits, so that means no inappropriate words—Match.
* **Ma****tch**: Aww!
* **P****e****nci****l**: And you can't use symbols other than the ones listed on your keyboard.
* **P****en**: What keyboard?
* **Eraser**: The one on the screen, Pen. /s

[*Pencil clicks on the "Username" box and the keyboard pops up.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, have a look at this!

[*The others look over at Pencil's phone.*]

* **Eraser**: Chiz, it's real. I thought I was doing the sarcasm for a bit.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, how'd you do that?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Just click on the username box.
* **Ma****tch**: Okay.

[*Match picks up Eraser's phone box (the one she broke when she hit Eraser over the head with it) and presses it as if it were a button. Pencil facepalms.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: This is going to take ages.

### **Flat 3: Coiny and Pin**

**Scene**... and **Needle**—she plays on her phone while she lies down on the sofa in the living room. **Coiny** and **Pin** sit on the counter together in the kitchen.
* **Co****i****ny**: Got your name yet?
* **P****i****n**: Yep! See?

[*A notification sound plays on every phone in the area, echoing throughout the set. Coiny reads what it says at the bottom of his screen.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: "Congratulations, a new player has joined the game: **PinNguyen46**."
* **P****i****n**: Do you like it? I used what your people call my *maiden name* so they won't know at first glance that it's me who's posting.
* **Need****le**: Surely makes things more mysterious.
* **Co****i****ny**: Uh, it's nice and all, "Penguin 46", but... I think the app wants us to choose a username that reflects our personal style.
* **P****i****n**: Then why is your user name **MisterMoneyBagz**? Aren't we broke?
* **Co****i****ny**: Ha, ha, we ain't broke! We ain't outta money!
* **Need****le**: And that's beyond the scope of your contest anyway.
* **Co****i****ny**: Thank you, **Not\_Needy**.

[*Needle gets up and slaps Coiny.*]

* **Need****le**: Don't call me Needy!
* **P****i****n**: You'll have to change it at some point. What if we read your username in our heads?
* **Need****le**: If they can invent mobile phones that can supposedly do everything at this speed, the technology to enter people's brains will soon come. [*ominously*] And I will be there.

### **Flat 7: Tennis Ball and Golf Ball**

**Scene****Tennis Ball** and **Golf Ball** are working ceaselessly once again, but this time they are working on what they want to post. Their kids circle them in the living room, quietly looking for a way to get out of the app.
* **Golf Ball**: Adult children of mine, lend me your usernames. I believe there is an option to keep an eye on, I mean, *follow* what you guys are posting.
* **O****r****p****h****a**: I'm 36, Mom. The only person who has to keep an eye on what I post is my boss.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: GB, are you talking about "friending" them? Because I'm already friends with Colin!
* **Co****l****i****n**: He just added me!
* **Golf Ball**: Subtract him! I find it abhorrent that a parent can just be his child's friend.
* **O****r****p****h****a**: It's only in the app, not in real life.
* **Golf Ball**: Okay, then; what's your name?
* **O****r****p****h****a**: I am **24839274181748**, named after the serial code you had us memorize in the 1950s.
* **Co****l****i****n**: And I'm called **AnabaptistOats**, from the cereal you had us eat in the 1950s.

[*Beat.*]

* **O****r****p****h****a**: We didn't exactly enjoy that decade much, did we?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: What about you, Theo?
* **Th****e****ol****a**: I'm **GeorgyGirl1**, you know, 'cause of my partner. Also because **GeorgyGirl2** was already taken.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Already? The app's only been out for a few minutes!
* **Th****e****ol****a**: I'm checking the dude's profile, and the description under his name reads...

### **Flat 6: Black Hole (now Remote)**

**Scene**... and **Tree**. **Pie**, **Fanny**, **Lightning**, **Pherre**, **Mini Cyclone** and **Gregg** are with them, originally to provide support for **Remote** while she mourned over Black Hole's absence, but now they're here to help her with the contest.
* **T****r****e****e**: "Because nobody cares to remember me by any other song." How's that for honesty?
* **G****r****e****g****g**: It is brutal. Suits you to a *tau*, Tree.
* **Pi****e**: It is fine, but it's a bit too niche for me.
* **T****r****e****e**: That's right; you were a hippie in those days.
* **Pi****e**: No, I was an ascetic; kindly get your facts straight.
* **T****r****e****e**: I'm sorry.

[*Enter* **Fanny** *from the kitchen.*]

* **Fan****ny**: What's your username, Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I am—
* **Fan****ny**: I hate it!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Have a little respect, Fanny, she wasn't even after saying it!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Thank you, **BallroomBlitz**.
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: [*Aside.*] Tsst. It's funny because there's a lightning-related pun in there.

[*Remote sits down on the couch.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: My name is now **Th3\_G12M0**.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: What is the meaning of that?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: "The gizmo". I turned some of the letters into numbers.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: Very clever, my friend. I have never thought of that.
* **Pi****e**: Never mind the numbers, Remote, what are you going to post for the contest?
* **Pherre**: Yeah, I'm sure there's a time limit here, just like last time.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't know yet. There are just so many things in me that it's a bit too much for my system.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: That happened to me in '81.

[*Mini Cyclone gives Lightning a dirty look.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: What? Should I get the finger puppets out instead?

[*Fade to black.*]

### **Flat 2**

**Scene**The four have already made their usernames: Try to guess who is who: **xFiReLoVeRx**, **Ben\_Venuti**, **SHUTUPROSE** and **Pencil**.
* **P****e****nci****l**: So we've got our usernames and we can finally write our posts. Talking about Pen and me, of course; the two of you ain't even in the game.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, Penc, why's your name here so boring? It's, like, *yours*.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Because I'd rather people know that it's me posting here, and frankly, I'm ashamed that you're all hiding yourselves under a false name.
* **P****en**: But we're just having fun!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I intend to be as authentic as possible, as I always am.
* **Eraser**: Didn't you do theatre with us?
* **P****e****nci****l**: That... frick, you're right. Can't change my name, can I?

[*Match gets a notification on her phone.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg! Someone just made their first post on the, like, appy-thingy!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What's it say?

[*Pencil looks over at Match's phone.*]

* **Ma****tch**: "Poop".
* **P****e****nci****l**: Really, somebody makes the first post ever on a platform like this and it turns out it's the word *poop*. Wow.
* **P****en**: Is it somebody we know?
* **Ma****tch**: Don't know. Like, their username is [*spells it out*] **99probznaTAGaint1**.

### **Flat 4: Price Tag**

**Scene**In this ex-contestant's flat, **Price Tag** is having a "just eliminated" party with **Naily**, **Nickel** and **Bomby**. They are joined by the band of **Inei**, **Kudasai**, **Mjunga** and **Umtaya**, who play music in the background.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yes! My post worked! **99probznaTAGaint1** is in action!
* **N****a****ily**: But we're not even in the show any more.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, but we can still take part. Look, **inei-l-p** posted the date of the band's next gig.
* **I****ne****i**: [*in the background*] May 8th, coming to an old folks' home near you!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: And FYI, guys, this is totally nothing new to me. Back when I come from, we'll use phones like this all the time.
* **Nic****k****el**: Really? So you know how to work a YeFone?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I am a #expert at this.
* **Nic****k****el**: Wow.
* **Bom****by**: *Excitation!*
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh, I can't wait to see how much trolling I can do on here, just like the good new days! I *have* to teach you guys.

### **Flat 3**

**Scene****Coiny** and **Pin** are sitting on the counter still, while Needle is adjusting the legs of the dining room table.
* **Co****i****ny**: Ready to make our posts?
* **P****i****n**: We're really doing this at the same time.
* **Co****i****ny**: Hell, yeah! That way people can see both of our names on their screens.
* **Need****le**: You can't do that with me. I've just posted.

[*Pin and Coiny look at their screens and see a blank white image under the username* **Not\_Needy**.]

* **Need****le**: Click on the picture.
* **Co****i****ny**: With what?
* **Need****le**: The back end of a Walkman, Coiny. /s Just use your finger.
* **Co****i****ny**: Radical!

[*Coiny clicks on the picture Needle posted and zooms in on it.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: [*interested*] Wow.
* **P****i****n**: What did you post? A public notice telling people not to call you by your username?
* **Need****le**: Actually, it's a recipe for coconut rice, otherwise known as *wali*.
* **P****i****n**: Hey, maybe I should post a recipe for my own family dishes!
* **Co****i****ny**: Gosh, that's what the world needs, more spring rolls. I'm going to post tips on how to get rich!

[*Pin and Needle look at Coiny.*]

* **[** **Need****le** · **P****i****n** **]**: Why?
* **Co****i****ny**: [*coolly*] 'Cause that's what the people want, man. [*imitating Mark Knopfler*] I want more refrigerators, and colour TVs.

[*Coiny leans back in his seat and falls into the sink. Pin and Needle giggle.*]

### **Flat 7**

**Scene**
* **Co****l****i****n**: [*snickering*] Nice post, **TheRacket**.
* **Golf Ball**: T, B, you're already done with your contest-winning entry?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It's just another silly math riddle that most people go bananas over when they find the answer.
* **Golf Ball**: Your father likes to tease the brainless.
* **Co****l****i****n**: And it says at the bottom I can comment on it. I'm going to give it away, ha ha!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Don't tell 'em now. That would spoil the most math-related fun we've had in months!
* **Co****l****i****n**: Hmm... [*reading*] "A tennis ball is awarded fifteen points in a throwing contest and is then put up for elimination. What colour were the trees and the grass?"

[*Golf Ball looks at Tennis Ball.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: The answer should be obvious. You know what the kids say these days: "If you know, you know."
* **Golf Ball**: Smart. But it does not hold a candle to what I have elected to post!

[*Golf Ball, as* **TheClub***, shows Tennis Ball and her kids a picture of herself in a stern pose. She stands next to a placard with the words "Like my post" on it.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Do you see it? I have "Like my post" inserted into the image; it was never there in reality. [*shows them a blank placard*] When I was at TV's apartment building, I had him insert those words into the picture itself so that I didn't have to buy my own custom placard.
* **Co****l****i****n**: You were at TV's?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: How'd he do it?
* **Golf Ball**: He stamped my YeFone.

[*Golf Ball switches her phone off and the stamp saying "Like this post" remains on the screen. Fade to black.*]

### **Flat 2**

**Scene****Pencil** is brainstorming post ideas at the table. **Pen** and **Eraser** walk by her, asking her questions.
* **P****en**: Hey, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*not looking up*] Aye?
* **P****en**: What should I wear for my post?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Things, or a lack thereof.
* **P****en**: 'Kay. [*Beat.*] Hey, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, dear?
* **P****en**: D'ya think anyone's going to like it?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Please, they'll like it even if you post nothing but your name. **Ben\_Venuti**? That's just you saying "Come in!"
* **P****en**: Thanks, love.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*a bit irritated*] No problem.

[*Exit* **Pen**. *Enter* **Eraser**.]

* **Eraser**: Hey, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*turns around*] *Whaaaat?!* Oh, it's you.
* **Eraser**: Where'd Match go?
* **P****e****nci****l**: She went to the person who posted *poop*, hopefully to give them a lesson. Knowing her, she's just getting the poop on the poop. [*looks around*] I'm so glad nobody could hear me saying that.

[*Eraser, carrying a bucket of chili, leans close to Pencil.*]

* **Eraser**: [*deep voice*] Nice.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Too close!
* **Eraser**: Matchy must be having so much fun. [*dumb voice*] Right, Pe— [*burps*] —ncil?

[*Pencil looks up at Eraser and shakes her head slowly.*]

### **Outside Flat 4**

**Scene****Match** and **Cake** sit outside the door of this building. It looks as if Match has just been kicked out.
* **Ma****tch**: [*shouting into the door*] How, like, rude!
* **N****a****ily**: [*recycled line*] Nye-he-heh!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Heh.
* **Bom****by**: Long live trolling!

[*Match turns around to see Cake.*]

* **Ma****tch**: You get kicked out too, Cape?
* **C****a****ke**: It's *Cake*, and no. I'm trying to make up with some ex-friends of mine but I'm too scared to do it alone!
* **Ma****tch**: Oh!
* **C****a****ke**: It's sad, right? What should I do? With Clock and Kosrae turning to cafeteria monitors together, I don't have a friend to talk to all the time any more!
* **Ma****tch**: Omg.
* **C****a****ke**: Yes, it's shocking, but I think I can—
* **Ma****tch**: *OMG!* Look at what Pencil just, like, posted!

[*Match shows Cake her phone screen. On it is nothing but a blank screen with the words "SEND ANIMAL CONTROL – I AM LIVING WITH A TRIO OF LOONS" on it.*]

* **Ma****tch**: How could she, like, say that about me? I am *so* getting back at her for this!
* **C****a****ke**: But what about my problem?
* **Ma****tch**: Who cares? I'm mad as it is, like, *chiz!*

[*As Match storms out while angrily typing on her keyboard, we can see* **Bok** *cackling in the background from her window in the flat behind Flat 4.*]

### **Flat 6**

**Scene****Remote** and her friends are brainstorming.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What else do you have?
* **Pi****e**: You can post a picture of a toilet, and call it art.
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: Photographic art. Now that's creative.
* **Fan****ny**: Just post the word *hate* in the biggest letters you can find!
* **T****r****e****e**: No, she can't do that.
* **Fan****ny**: Why not?
* **T****r****e****e**: It's already been done. By you, **BrummieH8terGirl**.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: And no more than one person can make the same post within a day; that's the rule.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate duplication!

[*Remote falls onto the couch.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: This is impossible.

[*Fade to black.*]

### **Flat 2**

**Scene****Pencil** is sitting by herself. Enter **Pen** and **Eraser**, who look upset.
* **Eraser**: What the frick, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*putting her hands up*] I'm writing with a pencil 'cos that's what I prefer!
* **Eraser**: No, this!

[*Pen shows her his phone screen with her post zoomed in. Pencil's eyes get big.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh. Heh-heh. Interesting you should be so curious about that, dear, 'cos...

[*Enter* **Match**.]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, I'd rather be a *balloon* than a dumb bird!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I am not prepared for you people's rage right now!
* **P****en**: Penc, I love you. I really do. [*holds her hand*] But—
* **Eraser**: He don't speak for me.
* **P****en**: But why's your post gotta put us down like that? That's an awful thing to do.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm sorry for the misunderstanding; it was meant to be funny. Not everyone understands my humour. I wanted us all to have a laugh at your Canadianness together, that's why I called you *loons*.

[*Match, Pen and Eraser look at one another, confused.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Cos of your new money, innit?
* **P****en**: Ohhhh, you mean *loonies*, those new dollar coins coming soon.
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, like, that makes sense. I forgive you, Penc-penc, and I'm sure as hell not going to post that, like, rant.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What rant?

[*Match shows Pencil her phone screen. On it are the words "PENCIL asdfuikohushfginojasdjasjjaosajdjdojdsgenr".*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Match. You hardly make sense anyway, but I accept your forgiveness. [*They hug.*]
* **P****en**: Yeah, I want to forgive you too.
* **Eraser**: Meh.
* **Ma****tch**: Come on, Eraser, let's make out.
* **Eraser**: Frick, yeah!

[*Exeunt* **Match** *and* **Eraser**. *Pen and Pencil look at each other and laugh.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: This is so much better than a silly contest, eh, Pen?
* **P****en**: Oh! By golly, I almost forgot!

[*Pen reaches behind the couch, pulls out the artificial sun he got at Cake at Stake and places it on top of the shelf by the table.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah, you're doing your first post right now.
* **P****en**: Yep.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Here, want me to help?
* **P****en**: You bet! Though I gotta warn ya: you'll be part of a memory that'll last forever.
* **P****e****nci****l**: If you were any sappier, you'd be in danger of overflowing.

[*Pencil gets up and takes his phone. She presses the camera button in the app.*]

* **P****en**: Should I pose like this? [*throws his hand behind his head*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay. [*He does so.*]
* **P****en**: And should I do that thing where I squint my eyes like one of those champion wrestlers?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sure thing, you pro. [*He does so.*]
* **P****en**: And while we're at it, should I, um... show a little tip? [*pulls his cap up a bit*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***Over my dead body.*** [*Beat.*] Although that kind of thing sells, and we are playing for points here, so... sure, have a go.
* **P****en**: Awesome! [*pulls his cap up more*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Not too much!
* **P****en**: [*blushes*] Sorry.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And there you have it: my boyfriend in his natural state. Let me hear you roar, babe.
* **P****en**: Come on, Penc, you know I don't roar. It's part of my non-threatening image, as a matter of fact.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, that's right. Just stand there and do your thing.

[*Click!*]

### **Flat 6**

**Scene****Remote** paces around the room as Two exclaims that the contest is about to end.
* **Two**: [*from outside*] *Okay, everybody! You have twenty seconds left! That's me times me times five!*
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Twenty seconds? Oh, you all have to help me.
* **Pherre**: Hmm... people say drama's the best thing in the world, right?
* **Pi****e**: That's so true.
* **Pherre**: What if you posted something controversial and got people riled up?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But I am not a controversial person.
* **Two**: *Ten seconds!*
* **G****r****e****g****g**: O Mount Olympus, photograph something, anything!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Anything, huh?

[*Remote looks down at Black Hole's letter on the ground.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: You wouldn't dare.

[*After much thought, Remote quickly snaps a picture of the letter with the camera.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Click.
* **T****r****e****e**: No! [*Remote posts the picture onto the app.*]
* **Pi****e**: That was a little wrong, Remote.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Yeah, do that only if you want revenge.

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: And the contest is over! This applies to the other in-contestants too, but Remote, please come outside forthright.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*going*] I already feel guilty.

## End of the contest

### **Outside**

**Scene**As the challenge winds down, the contestants all stand in the middle of the Fovitwe once again. They all chatter excitedly before Two speaks with their megaphone.
* **Two**: [*to the tune of "I Wanna Dance with Somebody"*] ♫ *Stifle your talks and your babbling!* ♫ Thank you.

[*Two smiles at the camera.*]

* **Two**: I hope you are all feeling great right now.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Not me, because—
* **Two**: Do you want to know who won this contest?
* **Co****i****ny**: Yes, please!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, and also can you please unlock more apps on this thing? I'm tired of looking at other people's achievements, no matter how contrived they seem.
* **Two**: I could fulfil your requests, but be aware that none of them will happen today!

[*All gasp.*]

* **Golf Ball**: What are you talking about? The contest has already ended!
* **Two**: That might be true, but we've recently got reports from the news.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Wouldn't the news be *giving* the reports?

[*Enter* **Five**.]

* **Five**: Hush!
* **Two**: They say that YeFones have proven so popular from just that one commercial that more and more are being made as we speak. It's expected that soon nearly everybody in the world will have a phone within reach!
* **P****i****n**: What? That's crazy!
* **Golf Ball**: Never in our lives have we lived in such an era of peak technological profileration. We should be proud of ourselves.
* **Two**: And proud we should.
* **Five**: Now, everyone, check back in a week to see how many likes, and therefore points, you have received. The results may surprise you!
* **Two**: Aaaand... *break!*

[*Two claps twice.*]

### **Outside**

**Scene**Most of the contestants and non-contestants are outside, awaiting the results. Hardly any of them have their phones on them, rather ironically.
* **Two**: Okay, it's one week later! A whole seven days!
* **Golf Ball**: So can you tell us the results of the contest?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes, we have been waiting for the past... amount of time you mentioned.
* **Two**: Gladly. TV?

[**TV** *steps up in front of the crowd.*]

* **T****V**: Why do I keep automatically doing this?
* **Two**: Will you show who got the most and who got the fewest likes for their first Indus-Gram posts?
* **T****V**: Like as a list? 'Cause I can do a list.
* **Two**: No, more like a slideshow from best to worst.
* **Five**: But make it slow and dramatic-like.
* **T****V**: Why?
* **Two**: So we can be amused, *and* so that Five can change the scoreboard in real time.

[*Two teleports the scoreboard down to the ground.*]

* **All**: Oooooooooh!
* **Two**: In first place, with the most likes is...

[*TV shows Coiny's post.*]

* **Two**: **MisterMoneyBagz**! 113 likes!
* **Co****i****ny**: Wow, thanks! I would have expected a bit more.
* **Need****le**: Shouldn't you be a bit more grateful, Coiny? I mean, you've got the highest number of all of you.
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh, you're right. [*turns around*] Thanks, people! Your ten-step guide to becoming a millionaire *won't fail!*
* **Need****le**: [*Aside.*] It's a good thing you said the process takes eight days and not seven.

[*Two dances to the other side of TV.*]

* **Two**: Up next is...
* **Golf Ball**: Who got last place?
* **Two**: So you want to get to the ending right away.
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, I do!
* **Five**: I think we all do now. Down with suspense!
* **Two**: In that case, the one with the fewest likes is **Pencil**, at –18.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot? How's that even possible? Last time I checked I had 97!
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, you can't, like, non-like anything on Indus-Gram! Believe me, I tried.

[*In the back of the crowd* **Bok** *stands smugly.*]

* **S****aw**: Oh, Bok, don't tell me you electro-warfared Pencil.
* **G****at****y**: Don't you mean *heeked*?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: She means *hacked*! In heaven's name, does nobody know vocabulary around here!
* **B****o****k**: I sure did, guys. I attacked her entire fanbase.
* **G****at****y**: Thought you were aiming for Pen, you know, 'cause he's her "soft underbelly". [*looks up*] That's not a phrase I thought I'd ever say again.
* **B****o****k**: I was going to, but who can resist such a photograph?

[*She points at Pen's post on TV's screen, which is now part of a collage of contestants' posts sorted by the number of likes they have received.*]

* **[** **G****at****y** · **S****aw** **]**: I can.
* **G****at****y**: All three of us are lesbians, Bok.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **Two**: Alright, so let's see what the points are now. Five?
* **Five**: On it!

[*Five presses a button that changes the number of points the contestants have received in the challenge. Black Hole is noticeably missing from the list—the hosts have caught on with Remote's post and have adjusted the scoreboard accordingly.*]

* **Two**: So these are the new scores.
* **All**: Oooh.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*Aside, to Tree.*] Oh, Black Hole...
* **P****i****n**: I hate to interrupt, but there is no red section on the board. Are we all up for elimination?
* **Two**: No, actually, nobody is. The voters won't vote on who goes home in the next episode, and neither will the contestants. Rather, they are voting on somebody to join the show.

[*All gasp.*]

* **Two**: For the last time.

[*All gasp again.*]

* **Two**: In *The Power of Two* ever.

[*Silence. Two frowns.*]

* **Five**: And you can find more about it here!

[*Five points to somewhere off-screen, leading to the last portion of auditions.*]

### **Voting screen**

**Scene**Stapy's audition video zooms out to show that he is just one part of a much larger system consisting of everyone up for voting standing in front of their respective backgrounds, but this time in English alphabetical order. It's a bit like the end of the audition videos in BFDI 17 and BFB 16, except it's much harder to tell who's who if you're not watching the episode in HD. All the characters repeat what they did in their auditions, resulting in a loud cacophony for a few seconds. Enter **Five** and **Two** in a dignified and stately fashion.
* **Two**: Okay, everyone, this is a very special episode. It's your last chance to vote in a character in *ever!*
* **Five**: But whom will the voters be voting for?
* **Two**: Glad you asked, co-host! Throughout the episode, you've seen hundreds of clips of potential joiners, from Agonxis to Zipola, from Ilta to Stapy, telling you why they want to join this last act of *The Power of Two!*
* **Five**: That's right! Now it's *your* job to figure out which character made the best audition video, I mean, most deserves to be in the game. Type the abbreviation next to their name in the comments section below, and don't forget to use square brackets.

[*Text appears at the bottom of the screen: "Acceptable voting styles:* [AB] [CD] [EF] [GH] *or* [AB CD EF GH]*!"*]

* **Five**: The person with the most votes will join the show!
* **Two**: Can I tell them the exciting part now?
* **Five**: Sure.
* **Two**: You can vote up to *ten times!*

[*A multiplication sign appears between Two and Five, and on the right of the screen are the symbols "=10".*]

* **Five**: And remember, this isn't 1982, so if you vote ten times, your vote will instantly be worth ten times more than the vote of someone who only votes once.
* **Two**: Hip, hip! [*Silent.*] Nothing?

[*Five shakes their head. Roll credits.*]

## Stinger

### **Outside**

**Scene**Night. **Remote** silently sits outside by herself. All of a sudden, enter **Black Hole** with a suitcase orbiting him.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hey.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*startled*] Who goes there?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Very funny. I'm a black hole, so I must be invisible at night. /s
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh. It's you.

[*She turns away for a moment.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Um... Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*turning around*] Why the hell would you leave us like that?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Huh? I'm confused.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: When you quit TPOT and joined *Object Animacy*.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh. That. Listen, Remote, I'm sorry.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sorry? You had our whole pact worried sick for a week. Gregg was about to invoke Hades.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, I've come back, and that's all that matters now, isn't it? Proves your post wrong, Remote.

[*Remote's eyes go big.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: O glottal stop.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes, I saw your post on my new YeFone. [*opens his suitcase and his phone comes out of it*] In fact, that's what made me come back.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Then I guess I owe you an apology too, Black Hole. We were pressed for time and I had to photograph something or I would have lost the challenge, not that that matters now. I didn't mean to invade your privacy and let the world know why you left.

[*Silence.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You know what? It's been a week now and I've calmed down a bit. Guess I needed a bit of a reality check, to see what the supergiant I was doing on that set, in the first place. I don't feel like I'm fit for *Object Animacy* any more. They always vote out the newbies anyway.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So does this mean you're back in TPOT?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Does a black hole emit thermal radiation?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yay. But you're moving in with me and I want to give you a hug.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I missed you, Black Hole.

[*She approaches him.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote, I've missed you too, I don't think that's such a good ide—
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: For seven days and seven nights, BH. That's almost as long as Hanukkah.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But you forget that I'm...

[*Black Hole accidentally sucks* **Remote** *up.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oops. Guess that means I'm sleeping at her flat tonight, and there's a free place left.

[*Eraser runs past Black Hole into Flat 6, a reference to a deleted scene from this episode.*]

* **Eraser**: Oooooh, gimme, gimme, gimme!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*to the camera*] You know, that's how Goikyan Ethiopia was lost.

[**Black Hole** *shrugs* *and goes to Flat 5, bringing this episode to...*]

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

**P****en**: Why don't we go to Black Hole's place and see if he's there?
**Two**: Wow. That was very intelligent, Pen.
**P****en**: You really think so?
**Two**: It sure is, let's go.

* Coiny was originally going to be the one to disappear from the episode, not Black Hole.
* The Pencil and Pen subplot was going to be a lot more detailed. Pen was going to be obsessed with posting on social media and getting those likes (to give him the warmth and fuzzies) that he would get an intervention, probably by a minor character whom we have never seen before.
	+ Another idea was that a stalker fan from one of the nearby town would hide behind one of the potted plants in his flat because she had been keeping a close eye on everything he had been posting—the quartet (that is, that of Pencil, Pen, Match and Eraser) would learn a thing or two about safety in virtual environments.
* Pencil was going to kick Match and Eraser out of her flat rather than letting nature take its course and have them move out themselves:

**P****en**: No worries, buddy. When there's a home available, I'll make sure to Two that you can get it. I got the charm, y'know.
**Eraser**: Frick, yeah!
[*Eraser tries to do a cartwheel over to his side of the house but fails miserably.*]

* There was going to be a much longer scene with Bok, Gaty and friends. I decided to condense it into a smaller scene that carries a similar punch, so to say.
* Instead of the two-letter codes (as in BFB 13), viewers were instructed to install a Japanese keyboard and enter the shortest possible katakana code that corresponded to each Nixeftum they could choose. So instead of **[IA]**, Ilta would be represented by **[イル]**, while Foldy would have been **[フォル]** to distinguish her from Fovitwe Map at **[フォビ]**. I changed it because it might be a bit too difficult for the mainly English-speaking audience.

## Notes

1. ↑ Hence the name.
2. ↑ Just randomly generated numbers I wouldn't expect someone to have as their actual online name.

**Fake TPOT** [V]