Fake TPOT 34: Topendia Tuorum

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.

"**Topendia Tuorum**" is the non-canon thirty-fourth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 16 December 1984. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode had several titles (which I feared would reveal too much about the plot). From most recent to least, the old titles are "**The Guest Worker**", "**Little Miss Unguestlike**", "**P., Our Guest**", "**Here's Redacted!**" and "**Here She Comes!**".

Author's note: The title comes from how Snowball would pronounce the name of this show. Actually, he'd pronounce it *Topendia Tuofum Ricta*... but only if it still had the word *fake* in it.

Author's note again: Actually actually, the translation should be *Copia Duorum* (although it seems that *copia* and *potentia* are interchangeable; my dictionary says otherwise). I'm not changing the title to "Pocia Ruodum", though. This page has been through enough.

Description if this were on YouTube:

Is it a coincidence that much of this episode takes place in the middle of the ocean? Maybe. But it just so happens that we are in the middle of a crisis: so much of humanity's rubbish ends up in the world's oceans, harming animal life and plant life and human life, too. Don't know about you, but I think that's something terrible to think about. We as a society ought to raise awareness of this, so... please consider donating to **#TeamSeas** so we can keep our oceans clean!

Previous episode: "Beyond the Sea"

Next episode: "B\*R\*A\*S\*I\*L"

## Cold open

### **Hotel restaurant**

**Scene**View of a seemingly empty restaurant. **TV**, still in silent mode, sits in front of the other hotel television screen—that must be very inconvenient for the other screen, I suppose. Enter and exit **Remote** several times.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*nemini loquitur*] Got to catch them all.

[*TV displays the word "Remote" on his screen in an attempt to catch her attention. Exit* **Remote**, *not noticing. TV virtually sighs. A few seconds later, enter* **Remote**—*TV once again displays her name on his screen.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Le.

[*Exit* **Remote**. *Enter* **Remote** *again. A lightbulb—and not just any lightbulb, but the character of the same name from* Inanimate Insanity—*appears on the screen. TV kicks over a wine glass and it falls to the ground, unsurprisingly making a crashing sound.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Who made that noise?

[*Remote turns around to see TV display the words "Unmute me" on his screen. Confused, she* *turns towards TV and presses the mute button on herself.*]

* **?**: Beep.
* **T****V**: Oh, thank goodness! Remote, you saved my social life.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What are you doing here, Paik? You need to be in the Filing Cabinet. No offence.
* **T****V**: Two and Four made me come out. Not in the sense you're thinking of.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't quite get it.
* **T****V**: Can you please eliminate me?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: As in be the cause of your death? Hell, no. Tree the Death-checking Bossman may be out, but I've still got witnesses.

[*Remote points at* **Black Hole**, **Liy** *and* **Pen** *in the lobby, who are talking with one another.*]

* **T****V**: I mean, send me to the Filing Cabinet.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sure.

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene****Remote** and **TV** stand outside the open door to the Filing Cabinet.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And you're sure you won't die from this?
* **T****V**: 100%.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Then say hello to Robot Flower for me.
* **T****V**: Robot Flower doesn't like you.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Okay, bye.

[*Remote kicks* **TV** *into the portal and closes the door.*]

* **T****V**: [*screaming in French horn*] Aaaaaaaaaaa...

[*Segue to the longer version of the intro.*]

## Post-EXITers' scenes

### **Ocean**

**Scene**Yep, another montage (as seems to be common with the contestants formerly known as EXITers). This is more like the little snippets of events in BFDIA 4d than the two-episode–long flashbacks that made up half of TPOT 24.
#### October 28th, 1973: Day 2

[*Daytime, one day after we last saw the nine post-EXITers—***8-Ball**, **Bracelety**, **David**, **Dora** *(who has now taken the form of Rocky)*, **Firey Jr.**, **Match**, **Pencil**, **Roboty** *and* **Stapy**. *They stand on their little island, which in turn floats somewhere in the ocean. They are next to a bush of yoyleberries.*]

* **Bracel****ety**: Match?
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, Bracelety?
* **Bracel****ety**: Are the yoyleberries ready to eat *now?*
* **Ma****tch**: In a bit.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Hurry up, we're getting impatient!
* **Ma****tch**: Like, instead of saying *impatient*, say *I'm patient*. These things only turn good after... [*Pause for 2.763 seconds.*] *now!* Dig in, people!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Yay!

[*All grab some yoyleberries.*]

* **Bracel****ety**: ***ITADAKIMASU!***
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?
* **Bracel****ety**: That's how you say *thanks for the meal* in anime language!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, Charlotte. Now let's eat.

[*All (except Match) start eating the yoyleberries.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: What is it now?
* **Ma****tch**: What if I, like, turn metal and become ugly?
* **R****o****b****oty**: Hey, I'm metal and I'm not—
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, I'm going to turn into a robot! Nooooo! Rake Hertzwhile was right! I'm too, like, *amazing* to be metallic!
* **R****o****b****oty**: Well!
* **8****-****Ball**: Match, do you want to be un-metal and hungry for the next few centuries?
* **Ma****tch**: No.
* **8****-****Ball**: Then eat.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, like, like, okay!

[*Match eats with the others.*]

#### October 29th, 1973: Day 3

[*Night, one day later. They are lying down, ready to sleep. Match gets up.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Wait.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*getting up*] What is it now?
* **Ma****tch**: It's night time.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: No, Match, it's daytime; there just happens to be a solar eclipse on every planet. /s
* **Ma****tch**: I mean, like, I'm not metal.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: I'm not metal either! I can tell those things, you know.
* **David**: Aww, seriously?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, something's wrong. We've been eating yoyleberries. *Uh-huh* for me, Bracelety.
* **Bracel****ety**: Uh-huh!
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's been a few hours.
* **Bracel****ety**: Uh-huh!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Then why aren't we metal?

[*Dora vomits into the ocean.*]

* **Do****ra**: Bulleh!

[*Awkward silence.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Aaaaand this is the part that I realized.
* **Ma****tch**: Realized, like, what?
* **P****e****nci****l**: We have been eating...
* **St****a****py**: Oh gosh, do *not* tell me we've been eating—
* **P****e****nci****l**: *No*, it's not vomit; keep your staples on! It's just... a heavily diluted version of yoyleberries that apparently doesn't turn people into metal.
* **Ma****tch**: So I'm still pretty? Omg, Ruby was right; like, homeopathy *does* work!
* **R****o****b****oty**: Still not true.

[*Beat.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: We need to find something else to eat.

## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene****Fries** is sitting by himself. Enter **Clock**.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Hey, Fries, can we talk?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: You're doing it already.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*scoffs*] Aren't you worried about being eliminated?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Why should I?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Because you received the second fewest votes in the last Cake at Stake. According to the latest stats, you're also the most unpopular player on the team.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: [*slightly offended*] I thought you preferred to stay out of such statistics.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I'm above you on the list. Just trying to warn you; that's all.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Get out of here, Clock.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Okay. But only because I want to find Two and tell them what to do.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Good luck with that.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Mm.

[*As soon as Clock is about to walk into the hotel, huc teleportant* **Two** *and* **Five**. *They are both very happy.*]

* **Two**: It's time for Cake at Stake!
* **Five**: Let's go, go, go!
* **Two**: And make sure to stand up while you're there!

[*Exeunt the contestants, chattering.*]

* **Winner**: [*going up*] Wow, you're in a good mood today!
* **Two**: That's because we've got a surprise!
* **Winner**: Cool. [*Aside.*] And slightly scary.

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** have gathered the contestants for Cake at Stake. The members of both teams (minus Tree, who is absent) are standing around, not separated by team as Two had dictated. Enter **Two** and **Five**.
* **Five**: It's so nice to see you all socializing for a change.
* **Two**: In an hour or so, you'll all be hating one another.

[*Soni exspectati of confusion.*]

* **Five**: [*Aside.*] Don't reveal it just yet!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Alright, what's going on here? I thought we were here to do Cake at Stake!
* **Two**: That's right; it *is* Cake at Stake. And with that, I must do this!

[*A flash of light as Two uses their powers to conjure up a new, contemporary-looking Cake at Stake place.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: As the kids say, this is rad!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Can we have our unauthorized parties here?
* **Two**: Maybe later. First, I must ask you all to get into your teams. Namely Ties, you stand on the platforms, and The Squishy Bunch, you make up the audience non-participation zone.

[*All move, except for Pin, who stands confused.*]

* **P****i****n**: What?
* **Co****i****ny**: Come on, Pin, let's sit down!
* **Five**: And be as quiet as possible, please. It's serious time.
* **Two**: That's right; I need as little time as possible to announce the votes. [*finds their card*] *Hey*, it's my index card!

[*Five hands Two a card with the number of votes on it.*]

* **Two**: [*Aside.*] Thank you, good ber.
* **Five**: You're welcome, my digit.
* **Two**: [*Aloud.*] Today, we've got [*number*] votes! That's a new record, I reckon. If you're safe, you get these books!

[*Bok gasps in the audience.*]

* **Two**: [*turning towards The Squishy Bunch*] That's right, Bok, your people!
* **B****o****k**: Well, technically they're not *my*—
* **Five**: Uh-uh-uh, what did we say about speaking in the audience non-participation zone?
* **B****o****k**: Everyone who sits here must be quiet.
* **Five**: Uh!

[*Bok sits down and pretends her mouth is zipped up. She makes the "throwing the key away" gesture.*]

* **Five**: Thank you.
* **Two**: Golf Ball, you're the first one safe!
* **Five**: Have a book, GB!

[*As they do with the other contestants declared safe, Five tosses Golf Ball a book in hope that she catches it. She does not, but she picks it up and immediately opens it.*]

* **Two**: Snowball is also safe.

[*Five tosses Snowball a book. He still catches it and places it behind his platform.*]

* **Two**: Taggy, so are you!

[*Five tosses Price Tag a book. They open it and react with confusion.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Two, what language is this?
* **Two**: Algebralien!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: No wonder I couldn't understand this! This is basically nonsense! No offe—

[*Two happily zaps* **Price Tag** *out of existence. Everyone gasps, even Snowball.*]

* **Sn****owba****ll**: ***LONI COCIREDE!***
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*Aside, to Golf Ball.*] Oh, shoot, another phrase.
* **Two**: Also safe are... Tennis Ball, Basketball and Winner!

[*Toss. Spotlight.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: I told you, Fries.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Whatever.
* **Two**: It's between Clock... and Fries. Now, I don't want to be biased towards a particular contestant, but I hope Clock gets out.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*to the others*] I have to deal with this whenever there's a Cake at Stake.
* **Two**: Aaaaaaand...

[*Two pauses and suspensefully looks at their card.*]

* **Two**: Clock...
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Gasp.
* **Two**: Is safe!
* **[** **C****l****o****c****k** · **F****r****i****e****s** **]**: What?
* **Five**: Fries, you're eliminated.
* **Winner**: Oh no, Fries, we'll miss you.
* **Golf Ball**: You have been very efficient for our team.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Thanks for actually complimenting me for once, but I've got a new purpose to live. See you soon, Puffball!
* **Two**: Was that a spoiler for the Filing Cabinet? [*cheekily grins at him*]
* **F****r****i****e****s**: No, I'm just expecting to see someone I know when I'm elimina—

[*Two zaps* **Fries** *into the Filing Cabinet. Two claps twice. Five claps five times. A rhythmic instrumental song, much like those chart toppers from the early 1960s, plays as Two and Five start to dance.*]

* **Two**: Even though Clock is still here, I still feel like dancing!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I heard that.

[*Two and Five jump in front of Clock, who makes an unamused face.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: [*singing along*] ♫ Doot-doot-doot! ♫

## FEXITers' scenes

### **Ocean**

**Scene**A supercut of all the supposedly interesting events that took place since the FEXITers moved to the sea. These scenes play throughout the episode.
#### October 31st, 1973: Day 5

[*Afternoon, two days after we last saw the nine post-EXITers. Bored out of yoyleberries, Match is lying down.*]

* **8****-****Ball**: I don't have a favourite number, but I *have* no idea what we should call ourselves.
* **Ma****tch**: What are you, like, talking about? My name is Match Achsah Anastasia Zapalka and I am not a dummy.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: My name is Firey Juneteenth Douglass Blazett and I think Match is a dummy.
* **8****-****Ball**: No, I mean, what do we call ourselves as a collective?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, we can't call ourselves "the EXITers" because we no longer live there.
* **Bracel****ety**: Don't say it like that, Pencil! Once an EXITer, always an EXITer!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why don't I just change my name to *Exix* since Liy's not using it any more? /s Aye, I was thinking, why don't we use a new name for ourselves?
* **Do****ra**: Bulleh!

[*Dora vomits into the sea.*]

* **David**: Aww, seriously?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hey, that's a good idea.
* **Ma****tch**: What'd he say?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, that's right, you don't understand David-talk. [*Aloud.*] He's saying we should call ourselves "FEXITers".
* **Ma****tch**: [*getting up*] That sounds, like, gross.
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Former EXITers*, Match.
* **St****a****py**: That's a good name. I will now make it mine.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: No, I want to call you Mom!
* **St****a****py**: You can still call me Mom. I just want to be Stapy-Fexit now. It has a nice ring to it.
* **R****o****b****oty**: I agree. May I call myself Roboty-Fexit?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: No!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Because the world totally needs to distinguish between more than one Stapy. /s
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Come on, guys, say it!

[*Beat.*]

* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Well?
* **The others**: [*sigh*] Hello, Stapy-Fexit.

#### November 5th, 1973: Day 10

[*Night, five days later. They are all sitting on the island.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: I'm bored.
* **Ma****tch**: That's, like, a pattern with you, isn't it?

[*The sound of a speedboat approaching can be heard. The FEXITers get up, excited.*]

* **Bracel****ety**: ***OH MY GRIP!***
* **P****e****nci****l**: Is that an actual noise?
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: What do you know, it's a being.

[*The FEXITers start to call out to the boat, which is actually an object named* **Zipola Banquett** *("Zippy" for short).*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: *'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!*
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: *Excuse us, sir!*
* **Bracel****ety**: ***PERSON?***
* **David**: *Aww, seriously?*
* **Ma****tch**: I see you have food on yourself, dude!
* **Z****i****p****ola**: [*speaking very quickly*] I'm sorry, I can't talk right now; I'm delivering this food to the poor and needy!

[*A very long arm appears out of nowhere and gives* **Zipola** *a slap. He speeds away.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Giving food to the poor, eh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Way to make me feel guilty about being in a reality show.
* **Ma****tch**: Like, who cares?
* **8****-****Ball**: Let's just wait for the next boat with food to arrive.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That could be ages from now.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Maybe you should be positive, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Fine, half an age from now.

#### November 12th, 1973: Day 17

[*Evening, one week later.*]

* **Ma****tch**: That's the third boat so far. Now I know we have, like, no hope.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Come on, Match, what makes you think that?
* **Ma****tch**: It's the rule of three! Happens in, like, all the pictures, y'know.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Oh, I do.
* **Bracel****ety**: But I still have hope that someone will find us! Maybe it's Ice Cube!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sure, Bracelety, she'll be riding in on a unicorn that runs on ambrosia and Soylent Green. /s

## Post–Cake at Stake

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Post–Cake at Stake dispersion. **Snowball**, still in his cardinal's garb, stands in the middle of the field and looks down on everyone because he is large. **Golf Ball** paces around him, but to others it looks as if she is orbiting him.
* **Golf Ball**: "Loni cocirede"... Now what could that mean?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: We know it's obviously Latin. Basketball's checking the bilingual dictionary in Two's library, hoping to find something.

[*Enter* **Basketball**.]

* **Golf Ball**: Well?
* **Baske****t****ball**: I couldn't find anything. COCIDERE... it must be some dialectical term or something.
* **Golf Ball**: I don't know, but considering that we are dealing with Snowball here, I wouldn't be surprised if it was just plain nonsense.

[*Snowball gives Golf Ball the side eye.* **Remote** *walks by.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Remote, you seem like you're good at understanding languages.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What makes you think so?
* **Golf Ball**: Last episode, you won the challenge for your team.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't like to brag, but I am proficient in several electronic tongues as well as a few organic languages that I learned in my youth.
* **Golf Ball**: That's fine. Can you translate this phrase?
* **Baske****t****ball**: "Loni cocirede".
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It's what Snowball said at Cake at Stake.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Is that some secret code?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: We are confident that it's Latin, but in a possibly mangled form.
* **Golf Ball**: Do you speak Latin, Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, I'm a Protestant.

[**Remote** *is about to walk away.*]

* **Golf Ball**: But wait, what about the electronic tongues you were talking about earlier?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Those are programming languages.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*Aside.*] I knew it.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Okay, bye, Remote!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Farewell.

## Pre-contest

[*As Remote walks off, huc teleportant* **Two** *and* **Five**.]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: We're baaaaaaaack!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Seriously?
* **Two**: And we're here to announce the next challenge!
* **Five**: We know you'll like this one, so... gather round!

[*Everyone quickly surrounds Two and Five.*]

* **Two**: Hey, you're all standing around us!
* **Co****i****ny**: Well, that's what Five said: "Gather round!"
* **P****i****n**: We were just doing what you asked us to do, like some kind of malicious compliance or something.
* **Two**: You're right! This *is* what we wanted; well, this is what we wanted indeed!
* **Li****y**: [*imitating Two*] Indeed!

[*Two turns around to face Liy.*]

* **Two**: Exix. [*Silence.*] Znarf.
* **Li****y**: [*angrily*] No!
* **Five**: Anyway, watch as Two uses their powers to create a great big ring around us!

[*Two uses their powers to create a great big ring around the contestants. It is even bigger than the hotel. As the shape closes, the inside lights up and the circle is divided into hundreds of small squares, almost like one of those dancing games from an arcade. The contestants quickly back away.*]

* **Two**: Can you hear me well?

[*Soni exspectati. "No."*]

* **Two**: [*Aside, to Five.*] I have an idea. But you're going to have to climb me again.
* **Five**: It would be my pleasure.

[*Five stands on top of Two and they both levitate.*]

* **Five**: Look up, people!
* **Two**: [*speaking loudly*] Today's contest is called Scramble Squares! The circular floor we have just formed has been divided into exactly 1,000 squares. When you step on a square, you can change its colour to that of your team!
* **Five**: Watch us!

[*Two and Five stop levitating and they land on two squares in the middle of the circle. The contestants gasp as a pleasant-sounding electronic noise can be heard as they land.*]

* **Two**: But beware! If you change the colour of a square for your team, it is set and someone from the other team cannot change it to theirs. In other words, you have to think fast if you don't want any unnecessary and ultimately useless conflict!
* **Five**: [*Aside.*] Like that hasn't happened before. huh?
* **Two**: Shh. [*Aloud.*] The team that changes the colours of the most squares wins! The other team will be up for elimination.
* **Golf Ball**: [*at the edge of the circle*] May we start now?
* **Two**: No, you must wait until we are out of the circle first. Five and I don't want to intervene in this object-centred affair, you know.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Well, that's nice of you guys!
* **P****i****n**: Yeah... too nice.

[**Two** *and* **Five** *move away from the centre of the circle, leaving a trail of Two-coloured green and Five-coloured purple lining the path. Because this was a demonstration, the green and purple squares turn white and are thus allowed to be stepped on by the other contestants.*]

* **Two**: Now you may...
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: *Gooooo!*
* **B****o****k**: [*on the opposite of the circle*] What?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think they said "go".

## Contest

### **Scramble Squares board**

**Scene**Warning for those who pay attention to chronology: The contest will be divided into sections interspersed with scenes of the FEXITers in the ocean. Unless the scene features the FEXITers (in which case the date is given in the header), it is still 1984.
[*In this scene, everyone begins to jump on the white squares to give them the colour of their team,* i.e. *The Squishy Bunch in dark pastel green and Namely Ties in perano. Some use more force than others.*]

#### Namely Ties

* **Sn****owba****ll**: [*jumping on every square he can find*] ***RURCISUS, MAMILUS, LOCOD' ADRIMUS! RURCISUS, MAMILUS, LOCOD' ADRIMUS! RURCISUS, MAMILUS, LOCOD' ADRIMUS...***
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Whoa.
* **Golf Ball**: Have an analysis of what that could possibly mean?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*stepping on nearby squares*] Enough with the analysis. We have to win this contest, so jump!

[**Tennis Ball** *and* **Basketball** *step into the circle.* **Golf Ball** *stays behind to tell whoever is behind (which, in reality, is just her) what to do.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: ♫ For my love! ♫ [*Beat.*] What? I'm filling in for Naily and/or Taggy, who like to sing!
* **Golf Ball**: But Clock is right. It would help us a lot if we stepped on as many squares as possible so that we can have our first true win in this two-team phase—*aaaaaand* they're all gone.

[**Golf Ball** *steps into the circle.*]

#### The Squishy Bunch

[*The Squishy Bunch step on the squares relatively evenly compared to the other team.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Race you to the middle!
* **P****i****n**: Yeah!

[*Exeunt* **Coiny** *and* **Pin**. *View of above the board: It looks like the two of them are forming a green line in their section.*]

* **S****aw**: Ooh, let's do that too!
* **B****o****k**: Yeah, we should. We'll probably get much more done if we treat this competition like a game and not a chore!
* **Li****y**: That's what they say about our work ethic right there.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But this is a game.
* **B****o****k**: Oh. I guess it is then.

#### April 6th, 1974: Day 162

[*Day, about five months after we last saw the FEXITers.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, I bet when we come ashore, peoples will be like, "Hey, how do you look so nice?"
* **8****-****Ball**: If you're asking us to thank you for keeping our appearance consistent, you could have just said so.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Thank goodness there's a whole cosmetics kit in your hammerspace that you use on us every day to make the lot of us look good, even though most of us don't care about our appearance as much as you do.
* **Ma****tch**: Shut up, this is, like, why you got eliminated early.
* **David**: Aww, seriously?

#### May 14th, 1974: Day 200

[*Night, about a month later. A ship passes the scene quickly and the FEXITers wave goodbye at it.*]

* **Bracel****ety**: Longing time!
* **8****-****Ball**: Guys, are you convinced now?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I've counted all the ships we've seen in the past hundred or so days: exactly 69.
* **Ma****tch**: Oooooooooh!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Match, don't make that noise.
* **Ma****tch**: ***OOOOOOOH!***
* **R****o****b****oty**: Come on now, don't fight, all of you.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, I'm sure there's a reason why all these ships and sailing boats and ocean liners with on-board buffets and banquets and restaurants with bountiful fare that we can't even *get on*—

[*Bracelety slaps Pencil.*]

* **Bracel****ety**: Senses, girl Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, thanks, Bracelety.
* **Ma****tch**: Like, I think I know why no one wants to, like, save us.
* **8****-****Ball**: Because we're wearing such false makeup that one can clearly see it from other planets?
* **Ma****tch**: *No*, this is about Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Unless I've been under Dora this whole time, it sounds like you're calling me undesirable.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, "oak on trayer". The reason nobody wants to, like, save us is because they know that if they ever say a word to us, they'll, like, totally feel the wrath of Pen. And he'll, like, come swooping in like the action hero he thinks he is, and he'll, like, get into a tussle over the roughed-up man-of-a-man that even dared to speak to his, like, girlfriend.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Will there be real pitchforks?
* **Ma****tch**: Yep.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Match, if this is an attempt to butter me up... it's working. [*sighs*]
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: You old people and your sick fantasies.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Face it, you two. I hardly know the oke, but I really doubt he would pick a fight with a fellow object, let alone someone who'd show us the way to shore.

[*Beat.*]

* **[** **Ma****tch** · **P****e****nci****l** **]**: Yeaaaaah...

#### October 27th, 1974: Day 366

[*Day, about five months later.*]

* **8****-****Ball**: According to my calculations, we have been at sea for 366 days.
* **Ma****tch**: Like, what? My brain is not computing.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: [*Aside.*] Is it ever?
* **8****-****Ball**: Well, 366 may not be divisible by eight, but you need a whole lot of eights to make it. Instead of saying 366, I could say "8+8+8+8+8+"—
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Just* say a year, huh? [*Beat.*] At sea... for a year. Heh heh. [*Her right eye twitches.*]
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: I feel like Mu. You know, from *Life of Mu*.
* **Ma****tch**: You *are* a mu.
* **Bracel****ety**: Wow, to think that I've been on an island with you all for one year!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I suppose it's rather nice, innit?
* **Bracel****ety**: Yeah!
* **David**: Aww, seriously?
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Shall we put our differences aside and officially become friends?
* **Ma****tch**: No way. I hate Firey Jr.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: And I hate you too.

[*Pencil facepalms at this suddenly-developed rivalry.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Matchy, you are arguing with a child.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: I'm 20! I think.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Whatever. I'm sure the rest of us can get along though, right?

[*David and Dora start attacking each other.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Of course.

#### The Squishy Bunch

[*View from above: More and more of the board appears to be coloured green and blue.* **Liy**, **Pen** *and* **Remote** *step on their squares as* **Black Hole** *watches them.*]

* **Li****y**: At least *try* to jump with us, BH. I thought you were stronger than this.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, sometimes I don't know my own strength. Besides, if I jump on the board like you all are doing, there's a risk, that I'll suck the whole thing up by accident, which might lead to death.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And that wouldn't look good on anyone.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, why must all the other limbless contestants be eliminated?
* **P****en**: Black Hole, you made it further than all of them! Why, if I were you, I'd be proud that I even made it to the final sixteen!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Thanks, that, that means a lot to me, especially coming from someone, who still needs to be reminded that this team's not called Vitas.
* **P****en**: Son of a gun, don't mention it.

[*Pen gives Black Hole a quick salute. Black Hole rolls his* *eyes* *but* *smiles**.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hey, Pen, you're good with people. Why don't you ask the others on our team if they'd be willing to orbit Black Hole and fly off in random directions?
* **P****en**: Why?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah... [*confused*] why would you say that?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: They could fall and land on more than one square, doubling our progress in the contest. Besides, it would look interesting.
* **Li****y**: Well, if we lose this challenge, Two and Five might give us sympathy points for trying something new and unique. Go for it!
* **P****en**: Okay! [*as the Terminator*] I'll be back.

[*Exit* **Pen**. *Liy and Remote giggle to themselves.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Guys, you know that if our more fragile teammates fall, they may get hurt or even *die*.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh. [*Beat.*] That did not come up in my brain.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's okay, Remote; we all have those days. Or in my case, millennia.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Shall I collect Pen for you?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, you're good. By the time he reaches the first person he can talk to, he'll have forgotten every word you said to him.

#### Namely Ties

[*All of Namely Ties (with the exception of the rogue* **Snowball***) work on their square-stepping together.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Clock, you can roll, correct?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yes, but I don't see how that's useful.
* **Golf Ball**: What would happen if you rolled across the board and coloured our squares at a much faster rate?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I might break myself from falling off, and according to the *TPOT Game Rules*, dying is not permitted in such a contest.
* **Baske****t****ball**: But it would be Two's dream. [*Beat as Clock looks at her.*] Not that we want that to happen to you.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Why don't you try rolling yourselves? More than half of the Namely Ties present are balls.
* **Winner**: Yeah, maybe I can try rolling you all.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yes, that's a great idea! Just... [*steps back*] don't roll me.
* **Winner**: Got it!

[*Winner prepares their leg.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Tennis Ball can be our guinea pig.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Wait, what?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Now.
* **Winner**: Okay.

[*Winner kicks* **Tennis Ball** *towards the other side of the board. They stand, shocked at how fast he's going.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Aaaaaaa, can't stop, can't stop!
* **Winner**: I... am so sorry, Golf Ball.
* **Golf Ball**: It's fine; someone on the other team will stop him... and roll him the other way, *ha, ha!*

#### August 23rd, 1975: Day 666

[*Day, about ten months after we last saw the FEXITers. Bracelety is quaking.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, Bracelety, are you, like, okay?
* **Bracel****ety**: I don't know. I feel like I've gone days without!
* **Ma****tch**: You'll get used to it. Like, this one time, I was on this retreat with the girls...
* **Bracel****ety**: That's not what I was talking about! It's just been so long since I did my Ice Cube ritual!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Aw, man, do we have to hear the ritual thing again?
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: *Shh.*
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Sorry, Mom.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Brace, it'll be okay, I guess. Just, er... take a deep breath.

[*Bracelety takes a deep breath.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: We'll get you out of here, or rather, *into* here. How'd you do that ritual anyway?
* **Bracel****ety**: I can't tell you! Conferential!
* **R****o****b****oty**: You mean *confidential*?
* **Bracel****ety**: Yes.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, people, turn around and let Bracelety do what she does best.
* **8****-****Ball**: No.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Yeah, no.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: No, yeah, no.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Just do it, huh?

[*The others grumble and turn around as Bracelety starts to do a dance she made up for herself. Not even a second into it...*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Are you done?
* **Bracel****ety**: What are you talking about? *I'm just getting started! **YAAAAAY, ICE CUBE, YAAAAAY!***

[*Firey Jr. and Stapy-Fexit groan.*]

#### August 24th, 1975: Day 667

[*Afternoon, a day later.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: So, Match, you admit you and Firey Jr. are friends.
* **Ma****tch**: I mean... if he chooses not to be annoying... then, like, yeah.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Well, I'm not. Match and I will remain bitter enemies to the very end.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Weirdo. Grudges shouldn't last this long; it's the seventies. Chill out, man.
* **8****-****Ball**: You don't need to keep playing the card of enemies.

[*Firey Jr. sighs.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't worry, they will be friends soon enough.
* **David**: Aww, seriously?

#### March 13th, 1977: Day 1,234

[*Day, about one and a half years later. Match and Firey Jr. are angrily staring at each other.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Seriously?

#### October 10th, 1978: Day 1,810

[*Day, about one and a half years later. This scene is concurrent with TPOT 18.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Aoooooooughhh.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: What's with the noise, my son?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: My dad is on that game show we used to watch.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What are you talking about, Fay-jay?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Don't know; I can just sense it.
* **Ma****tch**: That's so creepy, like.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Not as creepy as *you*... [*waits for Match to react*] and the others watching said episode several years in the past.
* **P****e****nci****l**: But why does that upset you so?
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Can you tell us?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: My dad and mom—the real ones—care more about their own Blibbety-Blabbety Bunch than their own, first child. I bet Dad goes "I have thirty airheaded children and I don't even know their names" in every programme he finds himself on and I'm like, grr! It's annoying! And to think that there's someone out here, in this ocean, just making fun of me for that, and I- I'm *sick of it!*
* **Ma****tch**: Aww, does baby need a, like, nap?

[*Firey Jr. glares at Match.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Match, I think Firey Jr.'s talking about you.
* **Ma****tch**: Really?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: No, Match, I'm talking about Aud-tree Hepburn. /s
* **Ma****tch**: I... I guess I'm, like, sorry then, Firey Jr. [*sigh*] Once again, I let my emotions get the best of me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Once again?
* **Ma****tch**: Well, yeah. I did the same thing to Bubble back in BFB—and this was after you were, like, gone. That was such a long time ago, when I was, like, such a jerk, and now that I'm hearing what Junior has to, like, say, I'm still a jerk.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Um, yeah.
* **Ma****tch**: Maybe I should be kept quiet by all of you, eh? I should be shut up, silenced, like, totally prohibited from speaking my mind!
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, Match, don't think that way! We love to hear you talk around here, eh, you lot?
* **8****-****Ball**: I'll admit that her voice soothes me.
* **Ma****tch**: Like, *thaaaaank yoooooou!*
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Yeah, and most of the time, it doesn't mean anything other than "blah blah blah", but... if you weren't here now, this island wouldn't be as exciting as it is now. And I'm surrounded by a lot of people.
* **Ma****tch**: Thanks, everyone. So, do you all, like, want to hear a story about all the people who've called me their lover? I *love* to tell it at parties, and since we're all here... yeah.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Umm...

[*View of the ocean that the FEXITers are floating in. There is nothing for miles around.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: We've got nothing else to do. Like, go for it.
* **Ma****tch**: ♫ Let's start at the very beginning! ♫

### **Middle of the board**

**Scene**View from above the board. Nearly all of the circle is filled in either green or blue, with the exception of a few squares in the middle and two in the way back. Zoom into the scene, where **Snowball** and **Coiny** face each other off in the centre of the circle. The other contestants watch them, intrigued.
* **Two**: [*announcing from above*] It looks like we're in a tied game right now. Whoever steps on the seven... I mean *five*... I mean *three* squares in the middle wins for their team!

[*Coiny steps on the first square.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Boom!
* **Sn****owba****ll**: ***QUID?***
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: QUID is Latin for *what*.
* **Golf Ball**: Now that I knew.
* **Co****i****ny**: You're going down, Frosty the Snowman!
* **P****i****n**: [*Aside.*] Wait, Coiny, I thought you two were friends.
* **Co****i****ny**: We are, honey, but I'm just doing trash talk. Like they do in those karate movies.
* **P****i****n**: They don't do that in karate.
* **Co****i****ny**: Huh. Then what was I watching?

[*Snowball makes a nostril-breathing noise as he steps on the second square.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Nice move, SB. But you forget I'm more agile than you think! [*raises his arms and stands on one leg*] *Hwaaaaa!*
* **Li****y**: What the hell are you doing, man?
* **Co****i****ny**: It's a brand new pose. [*to Snowball*] And I have a hundred more where that comes from. *Ha!*

[*Coiny makes several poses on his square, which look threatening only to him.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Somebody, just step onto the middle square already!
* **Co****i****ny**: If you say so.

[*Coiny steps on the last square in the middle of the board.*]

* **Golf Ball**: No, not you, Coiny, you're on a different team!
* **Two**: And it looks like The Squishy Bunch win, yet again!
* **Co****i****ny**: We're on a winning streak, boyos! High five!

[*The Squishy Bunch cheer as* **Coiny** *high fives all of them in a row but gets sucked by Black Hole.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Whoops.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **Sn****owba****ll**: [*roaring*] ***NIMIME!***
* **Baske****t****ball**: Aww, I can't believe we lost again.

[**Two** *and* **Five** *smile at the camera.*]

* **Two**: Vote in the comments—
* **Winner**: Wait, Two, hold on, please!
* **Two**: Who dared interrupt my voting announcement?
* **Winner**: I did! But only because you should know that there are two squares that have not been touched by either team!
* **Two**: Still? Where are they?
* **Winner**: Right next to me!
* **Golf Ball**: Then what are you waiting for? Jump on it!
* **Baske****t****ball**: ♫ Cossack-y, jump on it! Jump on it! Jump on it! ♫ [*Beat as her teammates look at her.*] What?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You can do it, Win!

[*Winner does a cartwheel with their arm and lands on both of the squares at the same.*]

* **Winner**: Whee!
* **Two**: And Namely Times win! Sorry, Squishies.
* **P****en**: Very nicely done, gang!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Pen, *we're* the Squishies.
* **P****en**: I knew that, really!
* **S****aw**: Aww, I was sure we'd won it.
* **P****i****n**: Not just that, but Coiny is dead. [*sighs at her husband's foolishness*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Just to clarify, this *was* an accident now, wasn't it?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Of course. After all, you're a Death PACTer.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Fifteen years strong.

## FEXITers' scenes

#### December 9th, 1978: Day 1,870

[*Night, about two months after we last saw the FEXITers.*]

* **Ma****tch**: The end!
* **The rest**: Wow.
* **Bracel****ety**: Does anyone want to hear me talk about my stories with Ice Cube?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: No thanks. We are *done* with stories.
* **Bracel****ety**: Okay, but you're missing out! I talk about every good scenario we experience in my dreams! Dreaming, dreaming, yay!

[*Firey Jr. rolls his eyes, but he knows he must at least appear to be polite.*]

#### January 1st, 1979: Day 1,893

[*Immediately after midnight, about three weeks later. Everyone wakes up to see and hear fireworks from a great distance. Just as far away, a disco version of "Auld Lang Syne" is heard.*]

* **8****-****Ball**: It must be New Year's Day.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Roboty, what does it say in the sky now?

[*Roboty zooms in with his vision and sees that the fireworks spell out "Happy New Year 1979!".*]

* **R****o****b****oty**: 1979.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Oh, wow. You know, I remember seeing that on the TV.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: So do I. That's the year I last saw Foldy in the EXIT. She looked so cool.
* **Ma****tch**: Well, you know who else looked so cool?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yellow Face! He got permanent eyebrows when all the girls nearly lost theirs.
* **Ma****tch**: No, I was talking about Pen. Like, your-lover/my-brother Pen.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, him. Myeh.
* **Ma****tch**: Wow, Penc-penc. 1,893 days and this is the first one where you don't even say his name.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?
* **Ma****tch**: That's, like, a brand-new record.
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***YOU COUNTED?!***
* **Ma****tch**: Well, yeah.
* **P****e****nci****l**: *You counted?!*
* **Ma****tch**: It's a fun exercise.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You counted?
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, Penc-penc, like, stop with the weird dramatic quieting-down now.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Girl, the frick's wrong with you?
* **Ma****tch**: I was just curious to see how long you could last without talking about your boy toy.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh. [*blushes*] Well, I do talk about him a lot.
* **8****-****Ball**: If Liy were here, she'd say you talk about boys too much.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Duh, I know that. But he's just so *fit!* Why, I'm sure he looks as trendy as ever in the world of *Pea-Tot* or whatever that show's called. Right, Match?
* **Ma****tch**: As trendy as a guy can look in the late 1970s, I guess. [*In humanaho, she's talking about her brother's conventional and now-strange fashion choices.*]
* **Bracel****ety**: But what about ***ICE CUBE?!***
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, I'm sure she looks good too.
* **Ma****tch**: [*Aside.*] Ice Cube still exists?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I know. I thought she'd be melted by now.

#### April 18th, 1979: Day 2,000

[*Early morning, about three and a half months later. They all wake up.*]

* **8****-****Ball**: Happy two thousand days, weirdos.

[*Match is the last one to get up.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Haaah, what another morning on Match's Version of Dream Island.
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, we're calling it Pencilligan's Island.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Hey, why do you get to name it?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Because it's fair. I was the one who sent you all to the ocean, so I get to name the landmass we're standing on right now.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, that *is* fair!
* **Bracel****ety**: But Maaatch, weren't you against that idea?
* **Ma****tch**: Shush.
* **8****-****Ball**: No, it would be fair if everyone *except* Pencil had a say in what this island should be called.
* **Do****ra**: Bulleh!

[*Dora incessantly vomits into the sea while everyone else starts arguing among themselves, just like in the EXIT.*]

#### June 15th, 1980: Day 2,424

[*Day, about a year later. The FEXITers are still arguing about what to call their island, although they appear to be much more tired by now.*]

* **Stap****y-F****exit**: [*tired*] That's it; I'm giving up.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, I feel rather knackered as well.
* **R****o****b****oty**: Nice job, guys, you've been fighting so much that you missed the start of the new decade.

[*All fall down with a collective groan.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Welcome to the, like, nineties, peoples.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: [*correcting her*] Eighties.
* **8****-****Ball**: Hush, no more disagreements.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Let's just call this *The Island That Must Not Be Named* and be done with it.

[*All sigh. Silence for a few seconds.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Are we going to be just like our parents?

#### May 20th, 1981: Day 2,763

[*Day, nearly a year later. Nothing happens in this scene; we just see them all relaxing on the island in a kind of calm. But now you know what happens 2,763 days later.*]

## Post-contest

### **Voting screen**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** stand in front of a screen that shows the people up for voting. Two sucks the Scrambled Squares board in to their body.
* **Two**: [*quietly*] This will look very nice on my insides.
* **Five**: Two, the voting?
* **Two**: Oh yeah. [*Aloud.*] Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated! Vote for who you want to stay! The person with the fewest votes will leave the show!

[*Roll credits.*]

## Stingers

### **Hotel restaurant**

**Scene**Night. **Snowball** stands outside in his ceremonious pose as **Tennis Ball**, **Golf Ball** and **Basketball** meet with one another in the restaurant. They are holding their clipboards.
* **Golf Ball**: I'm just checking with you, but what was the last thing Snowball said today?
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*imitating Snowball*] *Nimime!*
* **Golf Ball**: Okay, that word sounds very similar to the attested word MINIME.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: MINIME is Latin for *no*.
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, TB, that is also something I know.
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*gasps*] I think I know what Snowball's doing!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: What is it?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Look at it, the data shows all!
* **Golf Ball**: Oh my...

[*Tennis Ball and Golf Ball join Basketball and her clipboard as she explains her findings to them. Fade to black.*]

### **Ocean**

**Scene**The second stinger takes place in the presence of the FEXITers.
* **?**: Next time on TPOT.

#### November 15th, 1983: Day 3,672

[*Evening, about two and a half years after we last saw the FEXITers. View of them all looking confused as a variety of fruits fall from the sky. This scene is concurrent with TPOT 31.*]

* **8****-****Ball**: Why is it raining fruits?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Never mind that, *it's food that isn't yoyleberries!*
* **Bracel****ety**: Yay, food!
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Where there's food coming down from the heavens, there must be—
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: ***LAND HO!***
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, *what* did you call me?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*pointing in some direction*] ***LAAAAAAAAAND!***

[*Cut to black as the FEXITers can be heard shouting in excitement.*]

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

* Before the contest—Taggy was not alive to this:

**P****ri****c****e Tag**: *Indeed!* [*Beat.*] It's less fun when you're saying it alone.

* Five was going to cite the Fashoda Incident as an example of powers engaging in useless conflict over land. This line would have been obscured (as they would have said it in Algebralien: "*Cacouï Hatchitocourachitchi Nimissonichi-yimica*").
* Two and Five were originally going to make fart sounds as they landed on the squares during the contest demonstration. It would be mentioned later as a WTF moment by Black Hole, who would accuse the hosts of comparing real-life people to flatulence.
* The ocean scenes were a bit dark compared to the lightheartedness of the rest of the series. I would have touched on some serious themes like anxiety and an intense type of unrequited love, and I'm just not that kind of fanfiction writer. (I can say that, right?)
* Pen was originally going to have no lines in this episode. Although I must admit that he talks too much, it would be weird if he were, like, totally silent.
* Winner on rolling the spherical members of their team:

**Winner**: Are you sure? That doesn't seem very nice.
**T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: GB often forgoes ethics in her personal experiments anyway.
**Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, I still haven't forgiven you over wanting to use Snowball like a lab animal.
**C****l****o****c****k**: You did *what?*
**Golf Ball**: I still stand behind it!

* Two was going to give a long explanation about why this episode's contest was what it was: At the time the episode was filmed, one hundred years had passed since the Berlin Conference of 1884. (That's why an early title of an episode with the same challenge was called "Dancing in Berlin".) As Two explained with great seriousness, the contestants were to hear an entire lecture on colonialism and its continuing impact on the African continent from the perspective of an extraterrestrial. Snowball was going to say, in his weird form of Latin, that "Colonization is bad" ("Locozinamio tal' est"), Basketball would have understood what he meant and deciphered his entire manner of speech just from that sentence, and all the contestants would have decided to gang up against Two and Four for inciting inter-ethnic hatred. I decided to delete all that, not only because the episode was already getting too long, but also because I wasn't sure how to tackle the heavy topic of colonialism in a sensible way. Not to mention that this is still BFDI.
* A lot of stuff in the next episode was going to be in this one (including a song-and-dance routine), but then the (F)EXIters' scenes took up a large chunk of the episode. (This was calculated before I actually went from draft mode to the actual episode, so I don't know if that's all accurate.) I took advantage of the fact that TPOT 35 is going to be a two-parter, so that's why this episode is a little shorter. Ah, well, we need the filler anyway.

## Notes

1. ↑ Said plot was actually moved to the next episode, so these titles should more appropriately be old titles of TPOT 35. That's how it works.
2. ↑ Footnote for the above header (placed here to look better in the contents bar): Jacknjellify do use the American date format ("Month Day, Year"), and I think every time a date appears on the screen (as at the end of TPOT 25a), I used that format to mimic what they would have used. They are from the U.S., after all.
3. ↑ Interestingly enough, a solar eclipse took place that year in the exact spot where they were.
4. ↑ Why do I have to keep writing that Five is riding on Two's back as the latter teleports onto the scene? It's not like it makes a difference... right?
5. ↑ The episode came out in December. Why not make a Christmas reference?
6. ↑ This is by far my favourite coincidence in *Fake TPOT*: I'd written down that the thirty-first episode was filmed during the week of 14 November 1983, and it just so happens that this date is 3,672 days after 27 October 1973, the day the FEXITers set sail. Still don't get it? Turn the digits of "3,672" around.

**Fake TPOT** [V]