Caldwell Tanner

**Hugh** **Caldwell Tanner** is an illustrator. He hosts 8-Bit Book Club with CollegeHumor coworkers, Brian Murphy and Emily Axford. He is also the husband of Susanna Wolff.

## Life

### **Marriage**

Caldwell and Susanna chose to be married in the form of a traditional orsimer wedding. This involved Susanna getting sewn into her dress, fighting through dungeons and heading to the Shrine of Malakath. The ceremony had to take place at 11pm instead of midnight as catering would count it as two days, also Caldwell's parents wanted to go to bed. Although the ceremony was nice, Sus did end up getting a lot of dungeon dust on her gown.

### **Death(s)**

**(1)** While walking his dog, Caldwell was on his phone reading up on the Kingdom Hearts Wikia before going to record Episode 26. Distracted by Goofy's backstory, Caldwell failed to notice an incoming car when crossing a road and got struck by it, the impact killing him instantly.

**(2)** After he saw that no one had put a tie on a gorilla to make Donkey Kong in real life, Caldwell decided to do it himself. Caldwell jumped into the gorilla enclosure at the San Diego Zoo with a red tie, intending to tie it onto one of the gorillas and take a picture with it "for the subreddit". As a kindergarten group were cheering for the ape and the ape was sign-roasting Caldwell's shoes, Caldwell was struck by a tranquilliser dart which ended up killing him as his constitution was so low. When asked about his death, his parents just say it was a "*tragic* zoo accident" and hope no one presses for anything more. Additionally, in an alternate reality, Caldwell causes "Harambe 2" as the zoo security have to put down a favourite 36 year old father gorilla called "Bo" in order to save Caldwell's life.

### **Caldwell's Funeral(s)**

**(1)** Caldwell lies in an open casket. Over a soundsystem Episode 23 of the podcast (Making Sense of Metal Gear) is played, as it was Caldwell at his best and most joyous. Along side the podcast is Caldwell singing the theme to Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater on a loop. After the podcast a children's choir sings the Snake Eater theme. Caldwell's father sheds his first tear at the funeral because he's so ashamed. At 44:16 in the podcast when Caldwell is explaining the differences between the "Big Shell Incident" and the "Tanker Incident", Caldwell's dad kills himself. Before he does however, he insists that he is buried in a different location to his son. Caldwell's dad is moved into a second casket that was on standby.

**(2 - Continuing from Death 1)**  Caldwell is brought in open-casket, displaying his horribly mangled body. Instead of readings from the bible, the priest reads from the Kingdom Hearts wikia (The Keyhole). After the readings and an explanation on how Wendy is not a princess from the priest, Caldwell's still open-casket is lifted onto a poor recreation of a gummy ship made from stitched together gummy bears. A choir begins to sing "Simple and Clean" by Utada Hikaru as the ship is set alight and prepared to be shot into space. The fire quickly spreads around the ship and begins to burn Caldwell's body, but the ship is launched regardless. The ship doesn't get far into the air before the weight of the ship and casket is too much and the ship falls and crashes into the ground. Caldwell's dad gets a fire extinguisher to put out his son's utterly destroyed body.

## Quotes

* "Murph, life is a long walk to a game over, and if I can see some birds in shorts before I die then it's been a life well lived." - Episode 42 - Super Mario Adventure Book: Doors to Doom (Part 2)
* "Maybe life isn't so red or green. Maybe it's a little more brown." - Philosopher Caldwell (Camus meets Shamu) - Episode 32 - Super Mario Adventure Book: Koopa Capers