recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Tom Hanks Is My Bartender

## Episode blurb

On this episode, all roads lead us to Tom Hanks. Also: - Ringo Starr judging county fair contests - Times Square terrorism - Tom's favorite museum, Ripley's Believe it or Not - A big bug shuts down production for a few minutes - British people think we're dumb - Adults going back to high school

## Quotes

**Tom**: "I'm angry at you because I didn't go to radio school for 10 years to work with amateurs like you."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "It's all about timing. What you don't know about timing could fill the Grand Canyon."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "How many Knights are there out there at any given time?"

**Tim**: "It depends on how many suits of armour they have available."

\*\*\*
**Tom [in bad Liverpool accent]**: "I'd like to be knighted too."

**Tim**: "Shut up, Ringo! I told you to stay in the car!"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Hungriest cow? There's no way to judge that empirically!"

**Tim**: "Yeah you do, you see how much the cows can eat! Jesus Christ, it's not rocket science, Tom."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "You gotta take a bath in tomato sauce. You ever hear that? if you get sprayed with a skunk, that's what you've gotta do."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "How awesome would it be if Tom Hanks was your bartender and just listened to all of your problems?"

**Tom**: "I wish I did this show with Tom Hanks instead of you."

**Tim**: "Me too, man! I'd clear the way for Tom Hanks."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "It was like a human centipede just ran by. That was 6 people with their asses sewn to the other's faces that ran by ... I hope you don't mind, I'm going to stand on my chair for the rest of the episode."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Yeah I stock up on 3 Big Macs in the morning and just leave them in my glove compartment. That way I don't have to go 3 times a day ... I eat them in the car ... in probably 10 seconds flat, and come into the office with special sauce all over my face."

**Tom**: "'Is that grease all over your face, Tim?'.. 'Yeah, a bit of grease, but mostly tears.'"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "If you'd followed my advice of having costumes stashed around the city, you wouldn't have this problem."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "In gym class I was pantsed. Underwear and all."

**Tom**: "You were old, too, right?"

**Tim**: "Was probably like 9th grade."

**Tom**: "You were 25."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Is there an option to go back to highschool?""

**Tim**: "No.""

**Tom**: "Why not?""

**Tim**: "Well, there would be a lot of predators for one ... maybe we can try to go back."

**Tom**: "No, we graduated."

**Tim**: "We can forge..."

**Tom**: "-UN..graduation documents?"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "My biggest fear is that somebody will hear me talking shit about them."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/tom-hanks-is-my-bartender
Winter Olympics

## Episode blurb

Please excuse the lateness of this episode. Tim's not so smart when it comes to the internet. Next episode will be up at the regular time. In this very special 2010 Winter Olympic preview episode, Tom tries to keep Tim's Olympic Fever in check while they discuss: \* the inspirational book The Secret's effect on [...]

## Quotes

**Tim**: "I'm a huge Olympics fan!"

**Tom**: "I've never heard you say that."

**Tim**: "You know who my favourite team is? Team USA! U-S-A, U-S-A ... I'd prefer if you'd start referring to me, just for the duration of the Olympics of course, as Tim USA. Could you do that?"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Is this gonna be like the time when you didn't leave the house and just drank Mountain Dew and ate Doritos all the time?"

**Tim**: "That's what extreme athletes do! You know me, jumping out of planes onto a snowboard, down the cliff!"

**Tom**: "No, you won't even ride a bike without a helmet on."

**Tim**: "Dude, that's just dangerous."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "You can extinguish the fire burning in my room right now; you can't extinguish the fire burning in my heart for Team USA."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "There's so much sexting going on these days, it's almost an Olympic sport."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Let's do it! 2014. Wanna be a curling duo?"

**Tom**: "Should we do it for Team USA or should we try and find some rogue country? We should do it for Afghanistan, they don't have a team!"

**Tim**: "Yeah - you have some Afghani heritage, right?"

**Tom**: "No, but-"

**Tim**: "Who cares, they probably don't check."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "So, 2014 - look for us on Team Afghanistan."

**Tim**: "They don't do drug testing, do they?"

**Tom**: "Not for curling."

**Tim**: "Ok, so we're going to need a lot of adderall."

**Tom**: "Cocaine, I bet cocaine is good for curling."

**Tim**: "We should be BLASTED on coke."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "You can sext us on Facebook- that's probably where we're most active, but we're also active on Twitter ... you can twat at us-"

**Tom**: "You can also twat me-"

**Tim**: "Twat all over his face."

**Tom**: "Well, be a lady about it."

## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/winter-olympics-super-late
Department of Motor Vehicles

## Episode blurb

Hate waiting in line at the DMV? We come up with solutions to the Department of Motor Vehicle's woes in this episode. Also, we talk about lucid dreaming, college football games and the fact that the two hosts of this program hate each other. Also, learn how to calculate your Jerk Quotient.

## Quotes

**Tim**: "This is gonna be freewheeling. I'm not wearing underpants - let's go!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "We've gotta get this intro down. You know why we can't? It's 'cause we hate each other."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I'm constantly cutting locks of hair and sending them to fans."

**Tom**: "Is that why your hair is patchy right now?"

**Tim**: "It's a new style. It'll catch on."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "That's what I wanna do! I wanna wear a hat with a suit and travel on trains. That's what I wanna do with my life."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "There should be a jerk quotient. A JQ. Dunno how it's going to be enforced, but you buy a bluetooth headset? adds 5 to your JQ score. You drive a Hummer? 50 points to your JQ. Then you get to the DMV, and there's one line for people with a JQ under 50..."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "This woman reacted like I was gonna kidnap her daughter or do horrible things to her ... and now I feel really weird, like I've been publicly outed as a creep."

**Tim**: "How were you dressed?"

**Tom**: "Very little, very little. And before I asked, I just stood there for a good 5 minutes licking my lips."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/department-of-motor-vehicles
PabloMaaast

PablooMaaast (Sam) is an admin of the Wyler Wikia page and helps in a big way to the team. He films and edits all footage and uploads it to The Wyler channel, taking time to develop and distribute the Wyler content. He is not seen or heard in the series but he plays Pablo and is suggested to be the man behind the camera when Rhys Attenborough is in the scene (Though he films everything).
Christmas (or, "How cute are these boots?")

## Episode blurb

On this week's yuletide-themed episode, we decide we know too little about Hanukkah to say anything about it so we discuss boring advent calendars, hypnotic Gap commercials, adults getting gifts from their parents, kids being jerks on Christmas morning, little kids lying about seeing Santa Claus, drinking too much at family Christmas parties, talking to [...]

## Running Gags

* Starbucks mention
* Mention of their TCGTE Conglomerate

## Quotes

**Tim**: "Tom, I've got a question for you. If you can answer as honestly as possible- how cute are these boots?"

**Tom**: "Don't do that!"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "We can't go through the whole podcast with this. So help me God, I'll end this podcast right now."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "My Mom is always like, 'I just wanna make it a special Christmas for you!' but I'm a man! I'm a fully-grown, bearded man."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "2 years ago nobody said the word meme. It's so stupid and I don't care about cats."

**Tom**: "Play Tim off, keyboard cat."

\*\*\*
**Tom:** "Complete Guide to Bar Shenanigans."

**Tim**: "Barnanigans."

**Tom**: "There you go."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Hey, you like that song?"

**Tom**: "No, I know what you're gonna say and I don't wanna hear it. 'All I Want For Christmas Is You'?"

**Tim**: "How'd you know I was gonna say that?"

**Tom**: "'Cause you talk about it every damn Christmas, this stupid Mariah Carey song that you love."

**Tim**: "It's awesome, man ... it's a perfectly-written song. They took all the hooks from all these other songs and mashed them together and made the best song ever."

**Tom**: "It's an abomination."

## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/christmas-or-how-cute-are
Stuffed Crust Pizza and Two Sad Men

## Episode Blurb

This week, Tom's hungry and Tim is stricken with a mild case of Super Bowl Fever. We discuss the surprising difficulty of getting a stuffed crust pizza delivered, Tim's awkwardness when booking a massage appointment, an interesting conversation Tom heard through his window and we argue about the relevance of Ferris Bueller in 2012. Also, Tom adds another item to his Mundane Bucket List and we solve a roommate squabble in a new installment of Tim and Tom Solve Your Problems.
The Mall

## Quotes

**Tim**: "I'm really trying to get this right here, I'm furiously turning knobs."

**Tom**: "Stop turning your knob."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Can't remember a single goddamn thing from this week. I started taking a lot of hard drugs, that might have something to do with it."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "In the future, when this podcast is all that survives of this time-"

**Tom**: "After the nuclear holocaust."

**Tim**: "Of course."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I wouldnt have rammed a human being with my car, but I have fantasised about that a lot."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "She held out her hand to shake mine, and she was very attractive."

**Tom**: "So you kissed her."

**Tim**: "Right on the mouth."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "You're a vivacious reader."

**Tim**: "...'veracious'."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "It's called 'Sex Mall'. Everyone will wanna go there."

**Tom**: "Mallex!"

**Tim**: "What's that mean?"

**Tom**: "Mall.. and sex. Mallex ... that doesn't sound sexy."

**Tim**: "No, it sounds like mollusk."

**Tom**: "Mollusks aren't sexy."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "If I see an article and the headline mentions busty broads so I read it but within the first 2 paragraphs, they don't appear? I'm checking out. Sorry, I've got other busty broads articles to read."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "You can't run a meth lab out of an apartment, you need ventilation."

**Tim**: "I've been cooking meth here, Tom, and you haven't noticed."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "You're showing me a photo of a bunch of people giving me the finger."

**Tom**: "Yeah that was at the meetup cause they like me better."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/the-mall-mp3
Derek

**Publisher** | Dreamspinner Press

***Derek*** is a 2014 novella by B.G. Thomas.

## Description

The end of his marriage leaves Derek Newton hurt and confused, but it also grants him the opportunity to embrace who he really is: a gay man. While navigating his new life with the help of friends in the local GLBT community, Derek meets Marshall Kenworthy, a man who embodies all his fantasies.

To Derek’s surprise, Marshall is as interested as he is, and they make a date. But a failure to communicate leads to a misunderstanding. The party they attend is not what Derek expected—at all—but Marshall, ever the gentleman, makes sure Derek feels comfortable. As they get to know each other, they see how much they have in common. Derek begins to heal and soon realizes he might thrive in this new chapter of his life—and it just might be with Marshall by his side.

## Characters

* Derek Newton
* Marshall Kenworthy
Marketing to Kids and Ripping Out Hearts

## Episode blurb

John Stamos cancels again / Memorial Day Kids are rude / Product Brainstorming for ripping off kids / (Silly Bandz) / Giving directions when you don't know directions / Ripping your friend's heart out while on shrooms / T&T Take Your Call: What happened to ladies night? What does Tim do with his beard? What is good cheap beer? T&T [...]

## Quotes

**Tom**: "I'm Tom, and my guest tonight is Tim."

**Tim**: "Thanks for having me. It's been my dream to be on this show."

**Tom**: "John Stamos dropped out again, last minute."

**Tim**: "It's not the first time I've filled in for Stamos, I apprecaite the opportunity."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "This is one of the problems I have with myself - that I don't spend enough time trying to figure out a way to swindle kids."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I think no matter what the product is, it should be named At Least It's Not Heroin."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "What do you do with your beard for fun?"

**Tim**: "I take it with me pretty much everywhere I go. I show it a good time. It likes sauce."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "We brew our own beer and ship it overseas to the teenagers who listen to us."

**Tom**: "What could go wrong? At least it's not heroin."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Were you gonna say something-"

**Tom**: "No, go ahead. It's half your show."

**Tim**: "60%. Read your contract!"

**Tom**: "It's 51-49. I have the controlling stake."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "You can follow me at tomreynolds.com. With an R. Well the Reynolds part with an R. The Tom part with a T."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/marketing-to-kids-and-ripping
Mara Poindexter

**Mara Poindexter** is a minor character who appears in several stories. She is an employee at The Shepherd's Bean.

## *Anything Could Happen*

When Guy invites Austin out for coffee, they stop at The Shepherd's Bean. There, Austin is introduced to Mara and she tries to find the perfect coffee for Austin. She teases Austin a little for his lack of knowledge on good coffee.
Video Games

## Episode blurb

Discussion of the Mythical Lost Episode Using Drinking in Middle School as an Excuse Personal Christmas Gifts Christmas Car Commercials, Football and Hobos Starbucks and Homeless Old Women Tom Likes Video Games and Julia Roberts First Video Game Experiences with The 3 Stooges and Dragon’s Lair Waiting for the Wii The Wizard and Jenny Lewis The Cheater A Furious Argument About SNES vs. Genesis Street Fighter 2 vs Mortal Kombat Smoke Shop Talk Mario Kart and Smashing TVs NEW SEGMENT: Particular Type of Asshole That You Did Not Know Existed Until The New York Times Pointed It Out To You Of The Week : Personal Bartenders Tim and Tom Solve Your Internet Pornography Problems [...]

## Running Gags

* Tom does a questionable accent
* "You're Awful" segment

## Quotes

**Tim**: "Did you kill anybody while you were over there? Have you ever murdered anybody?"

**Tom**: "Tim, that's not a topic for the podcast.

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Tom, I just ate a really big burrito, I wanna go to bed-"

**Tom**: "We really shouldn't do these post-burrito anymore."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "You were dressed to impress."

**Tim**: "I was dressed as a bumblebee."

**Tom**: "A slutty bumblebee."

**Tim**: "That's implied, Tom."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "There was no being a casual pervert back then. And being a casual pervert suits me better, to be honest."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Tom, I had an idea. Starting next week we retool the show."

**Tom**: "Yeah?"

**Tim**: "We set it in a different city, maybe we add or replace a couple of characters. Maybe give one of us a different job ... add some diversity to the cast!"

## Anecdotes

* Tim tells the 'porn store video camera' story

## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/video-games
Mass Transit

## Episode blurb

In this episode we cover the mass transit system. Topics include: \* TCGTE on location \* Bus smarts \* Bus Studies/Bust Studies \* Buses driven by children \* Throwing up on hambones \* Wearing velcro shoes and maternity jeans \* TV's Clark Kent invented the Segway \* Amateur Rocketeers \* Hiding hobo clothes throughout the [...]

## Quotes

**Tom**: "Imagine if this WAS a family podcast and some family were all, 'Gather around kids, it's time to listen to those 2 shitheads!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "You're not cut out for the bus. I'm alright - I'm a little more street-smart."

**Tom**: "I've heard people refer to you as 'bus folk'."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Do people know you're actually my father? Wouldn't that be weird if this was a father-son podcast? thank God you're not my Dad, Tom."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I'm sure you get lots of compliments in your velcro shoes and your maternity jeans."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "It pisses me off that homeless people can pee wherever they want and [we can't have bathrooms at subway stations] 'cause of them."

**Tim**: "You know where you CAN pee, Tom? In your HOME."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "So I'm writing in my book - 'How come homeless people can pee wherever they want ...' and I hear this voice behind me - 'Tom?' And there's somebody behind me looking at what I'm writing, and it's one of my girlfriend's friends."

**Tim**: "And there you are, writing an anti-homeless diatribe on the subway."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Your buffoonery knows no bounds, sir."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "My proud Italian hurritage... hurritage? Wow. I'm going to take a quick nap, you go ahead, Tom."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "You think I'd date a girl who hate peanuts out of shells? ... it'd be like dating an elephant."

## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/mass-transit
Raising Children

January 27, 2014
(Re-Released on October 31, 2021)

This week we're talking about literally one of the easiest things anyone could ever do: raise children. Over the course of the hour we go through a lot of the common mistakes idiots make when trying to raise children, along with our solutions, along with a discussion about a troubled young person named Justin Bieber and the advice of Francis L. Thompson who claims to have raised 12 kids to not only be perfect children, but also excellent hot rod mechanics.

> *This episode was later re-released on October 31, 2021 with an addition to the blurb:*
>
>

> This week Tim had a baby in the middle of recording our episode so instead of a new episode, we’re throwing it all the way back to 2014 to hear how they both thought a child should be raised.
>
>

.
Dating (Part 1)

## Episode blurb

Looking for love? You've come to the right place! This week we discuss dating and love and whatnot. From 80s video dating to niche online dating services for weird people, we cover it all and give you all the information you need to get to third base on your next romantic excursion. We also discuss [...]

## Running Gags

* Tom does a questionable accent
* They refer to their empire/interns/employees/crew/conglomerate
* Horses on a plane or Tim is scared of horses

## Quotes

**Tim**: "This show is kinda like a therapy session, because I never knew until now I was so afraid of horses."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "If horses can swim, can you ride 'em while they're swimming? I think so."

**Tim**: "Wow, so they're like the hovercraft of animals!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "A horse at the bottom of the ocean would blow my freakin' mind."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Lance Armstrong is an American hero, he's never even murdered one baby."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I'm drinking white wine and it's making me catty!"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Tim, any feminist listeners we have are loooooooong gone."

**Tim**: "They're conflicted!"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "If a guy is hitting on your girl, you're supposed to punch his lights out."

**Tim**: "Yeah, that doesn't happen anymore, we're a generation of cowards."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Equestriancupid.com."

**Tim**: "That's illegal!"

**Tom**: "No, it's for horselovers."

**Tim**: "Oh, I thought it was for a man to meet a horse."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "God, I hate people. I hate people so much, Tom. Goddamnit, I hate people."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "If I met a girl who was 6'5", you'd just see a cartoonish outline of me in the wall, cause I'd run away, terrified."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/dating-part-1
Roll & Step

The **Roll & Step** is a product created by Deriddere, Inc. It is one of the most common and popular step stools in North American and a common sight in almost every library. While most of Deriddere, Inc is now located outside of Buckman, MO, this one product is manufactured exclusively at the Buckman facility..
Christmas Songs

## Episode Blurb

A frank discussion of what type of wine to bring to a holiday party, a genius idea for a make your own wine label store, plugs for live shows in New York City and London, and we count down the Top 10 Christmas Songs of all time while writing our own new, instant classic. Do you have loved ones? Are you buying them gifts for the holidays? Make sure you do it through TCGTE.com/Amazon to help support the show!
The Hobo Code

## Episode blurb

TCGTE tells all about hobo secrets and more. Information that may one day very well save your life. Including: Tim is energized! Acting is tiring Conspiracy theories about the phone company Tom is drunk with Starbucks power The Hobo Code The Hobo Ethical Code Naked People at the Museum Baby Boomer of the Week We're [...]

## Running Gags

* Starbucks is mentioned
* Tim hates the Baby Boomers

## Quotes

**Tom**: "Running the world, pulling the strings, that must wear on you."

**Tim**: "I've killed so many people. It's all clandestine."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I got my Starbucks gold card, Tim. The Starbucks Corporation has recognised my loyalty."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "If I get any real power in this world, this'll be my main request - just leave me alone."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "A cross with a smiley face means the doctor here will treat hobos for free."

**Tim**: "Wow, free hobo doctor. He takes on cases pro hobo!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Well no, here's the thing, man. As good as they're trying to be to each other with this Hobo Code, that doesn't change the fact that another hobo in this world is competition for pies that are cooling out on windowsills, and cans of beans, sticks you can carry your belongings on with a handkerchief. You don't want young ones coming in."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "This was 1889? It seems to me if I were alive in 1889, the hobo life would have been for me."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I could write a book about what you don't know about touching naked people in art museums!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Forgive me for saying this week after week but the baby boomers ruined everything ... I got into a fight with a baby boomer just yesterday. It was about politics but it quickly devolved into me screaming, 'Fucking baby boomers, you ruined everything, raided all of our resources.. the country's going down the tubes thanks to you!' ..and it was my Dad."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Once a year we take the writing staff for this show, on a retreat in the woods, there's about 15 of us and we brainstorm ideas..."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "362 days a year I don't have to worry about bears eating me. 3 days of the year, I do."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Hunting doesn't appeal to me ... but you go bear hunting & use tranquilizers, and when the bear is knocked out, you put a tie on him!"

**Tom**: "Like Yogi? Cause imagine how funny it would be if you saw a bear in the woods wearing a collar and a tie ... glue a fedora on its head... I tell you what, I'm gonna bring a really big tie, a collar and a fedora, just in case ... imagine if that bear killed someone, and they put a picture of that bear in the paper..."

**Tim**: "That'd be the worst way to die."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/the-hobo-code
The UK with Dave Hill

## Episode blurb

This week we welcome comedian, writer, musician and United Kingdom expert Dave Hill to the show. He teaches us about sports, ladies, using The Secret to get what you want, and other things too numerous to get into. He also joins us to solve listener questions in a very special installment of Tim and Tom [...]

## Guests

Dave Hill joins Tim and Tom for this episode.

## Running Gags

* It's "so hot" in the room
* Time travel is mentioned

## Quotes

**Tim**: Dave: "She came over to the window and she was completely naked and I saw her lady parts. I saw her boobs! ... unless it was a flesh-coloured bra with nipples drawn on."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I'd go back to 1959 with the Beatles songbooks and give them to the copyright office. I'd just get all the credit and all the royalties."

\*\*\*
**Dave**: "Don't jizz anywhere where someone might not want your jizz."

**Tim**: "That's how I live my life, that's one of my 5 pillars of truth."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/the-uk-with-dave-hill
Juggalo Culture

## Episode blurb

We discuss the harrowing events of The Gathering of the Juggalos 2010, also: Twenty-Somethings are the new Teenagers Tim Goes Back to High School Living in Tree Houses Disney World Perverts Update Friends with Benefits (Pools and Kids) Boatlife Waterbeds and Bed Bugs

## Running Gags

* It's "so hot" in the room
* 'We're So Old'
* They call each other T-Bone

## Quotes

**Tim**: "I'll admit this.. I'm just so jealous, I would love to be a teenager again."

**Tom**: "Oh my God, the truth is coming out."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I'm interested in becoming a Private Eye. I've been watching a lot of Veronica Mars lately."

**Tom**: "If you shaved off that beard, you could probably sneak back into highschool."

**Tim**: "Last time I did shave it ... I did look about 11."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "That's an interesting piece of [Disney] trivia - every costume has a gloryhole."

**Tim**: "... I don't know what that means."

**Tom**: "I'll explain it to you later."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Banging in a cathedral? Your name will definitely be in the paper if they catch you."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "What about waterbeds?"

**Tim**: "Waterbeds are for perverts, right?"

**Tom**: "That's established."

**Tim**: "Just making sure."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/juggalo-culture
Lost

## Episode blurb

Tim's Confused Translating Lost to Other Languages The X-Files and Terminators Tim's Too Poor for a DVR Heroes We Speculate the Big Final Reveal Why They Keep Kate Around How We'll Boost the Ratings Stub Seasons Adam Has Dinner with Dr. Jack Shepard A Tease to Tom's Reoccurring Role on "One Tree Hill" Comic Book Conventions [...]

## Running Gags

* Tom was on One Tree Hill (first mention)

## Quotes

**Tim**: "So many times this show has been mind-blowing, it's just a constant fuck to the ears."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "No one likes the character of Kate. The only reason they're keeping her around is for the big end of season boob reveal."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Was [Matthew Fox] eating by himself?"

**Adam**: "He was with [an unknown] woman."

**Tom**: "Was she busty?"

**Adam**: "...yes."

**Tom**: "Thank you."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "We're roommates, you know that, right?"

**Adam**: "I assumed you were lovers."

**Tim**: "Tom's girlfriend keeps getting in the way."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "John suggests car maintenance - [he's had] an awful smell in his car, and the source is a mystery. That's not really car maintenance!"

**Adam**: "Push it off a bridge. That's the easiest way to get rid of it."

**Tim**: "Check the trunk for hookers!"

## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/lost
Being a Man

## Episode blurb

LeBron James Passes on Our Offer / NBA Talk / Running in 102 Degree Heat / Sexy Librarians / Don't Drink Drano / Making Your Own Alcohol/Poison / Cooking Tips / Talkative Teenagers at Auto Parts Stores / New Segment! One Time / Time Travel

## Running Gags

* Batman is mentioned
* They talk about their empire/intern/employees/crew
* It's "so hot" in the room
* Tim hates teenagers
* Tom is obese
* Time travel is mentioned
* Tim hates the Baby Boomers
* Tim hates people talking about their dreams

## Quotes

**Tom**: "It's everybody's favourite curmudgeon, Tim."

**Tim**: "Tom, I'm really not in the mood tonight."

**Tom**: "I'm not in the mood for your shit!"

**Tim**: "You know why, Tom."

**Tom**: "No, I actually have no interest in your life."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I'm taking off a t-shirt to reveal a chiseled torso."

**Tim**: "A glistening, chiseled torso."

**Tom**: "It's definitely glistening."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Listen to the female [on the Nike+ app] & you'll start to fall in love with this woman. 'You're halfway there!' Okay. I can do this."

**Tim**: "I dunno, I need more brutal commentary, like, 'Why are you running so slow? are you not a man?'"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Tuesday, I started drinking raw eggs, because that's what the Hulk did."

**Tim**: "That's what Rocky did."

**Tom**: "These guys don't give a shit about salmonella, they're too manly for it."

**Tim**: "If your body can't counteract salmonella, what are you, less of a man?"

**Tom**: "If I can't beat off salmonella, how am I going to parachute into a hostile situation and extract hostages?"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I'm not one to normally hate on the artistic community, but-"

**Tom**: "Autistic, did you say?!"

**Tim**: "No, the artistic."

**Tom**: "Geez. Geez, Tim."

**Tim**: "I mean, I don't hate people with autism, either."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "You spent over $110 brewing your own beer. So. How many bottles did you get out of it?"

**Tom**: "[Sighs] I got 8."

**Tim**: "Tom. TOM. Tom. How many bottles did you get?"

**Tom**: "8! They weren't full, but there were 8 bottles with some beer in them!"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "No! Tim, those mechanics, they'll bend you over and fuck ya."

**Tim**: "You're so classy, Tom."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I walked through the oil slick, and slipped."

**Tim**: "Did you fall down?"

**Tom**: "Yeah! All I could think was, 'What is this, Mario Kart?'"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I would go back, to World War II-"

**Tim**: "I know where this is going-"

**Tom**: "And kill Hitler. And I'd do this? dressed as Batman."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/being-a-man
Summer

## Episode blurb

Paninis and Smashed Potatoes Ice Cream for Breakfast The Ice Cream man: Pervert or Genius? Uncomfortable at the Beach Sunning in Your Underpants Nude Beaches Summer School for Woodshop C+C Music Factory Humiliation T&T Solve Your Problems: Kids on Planes and TCGTE Concierge Listening Service Farewell to Tim

## Running Gags

* It's "so hot" in the room
* Starbucks is mentioned
* One of them has just been/is sick
* Tim quits

## Quotes

**Tim**: "This is gonna be freewheeling. I'm not wearing underpants - let's go!"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "For some reason, 4:30 in the morning seemed like a good time for me to help you get rid of a gnat infestation outside your abode."

**Tim**: "Well we're both so terrified of gnats that we needed to get our courage up by drinking for like, 8 hours."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I was running down the stairs spraying this bug fogger into the dark. It wasn't the brightest of ideas."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I'm not a sissy like you, I don't break it down I to 'I have a sinus infection'. I'm just sick."

**Tim**: "You're an asshole."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "My body is usually a machine."

**Tim**: "You're sick ALL the time. You are not a healthy person."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "If it's strong enough to kill gnats ..."

**Tim**: "Hold on one second. A gnat is what, one millionth the size of you?"

**Tom**: "Yeah but there were like a million of them. If they all formed together they could form a man."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I have to remind you when you steal my shit?"

**Tom**: "Welcome to Nagcast. I'm your host Tom, joined by Tim, who is here to nag me..."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I'm just thinking of leaving.. for a much better show."

**Tom**: "You wouldn't dare. You don't have the guts!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "You have this episode to show me why I should stay."

**Tom**: "Well thanks, thanks for giving me this opportunity to win your heart."

**Tim**: "Shape up or I'm going to fucking walk, and I have the opportunity."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Nobody likes paninis. It's a sandwich, but they made it brittle and bad. 'Hey, we're gonna toast it into a hard, molten rock!'"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "It's time you learned a thing or two about satire before you opened your fat mouth."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I was thinking about starting up a competitor to Mr Softee, called Mr Rock Hard."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Have you ever been to a beach that allows nudity?"

**Tim**: "Yes, when I was younger."

**Tom**: "Pervert. I've added you as a perv."

**Tim**: "No, it was seriously just a bunch of old flaccid penises. Which, thank god, flaccid."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Summer holidays just seem so loooong. Why didn't we become teachers?"

**Tom**: "Cause you'd have to deal with teenagers all day!"

**Tim**: "I would get FIRED."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/summer
Christmas Cole

**Publisher** | Dreamspinner Press

***Christmas Cole*** is a 2011 novella by B.G. Thomas. It is part of the Dreamspinner Press 2011 Advent Calendar anthology, *I'll Be Home for Christmas*.

## Description

Once Javier Torres was a sweet, plump, and very unpopular child. But over the years, he turned himself into a gorgeous gym god. The problem is he’s also become an egotistical snob.

But one day his arrogance pisses off the wrong little old lady, and he wakes up to find that, like the Prince in Beauty and the Beast, he’s been transformed into something from his personal nightmares.

Javier has nowhere to go but back home, where to his surprise, he is greeted with open arms, not just by the family he remembers, but by his new brother-in-law, Cole.

Cole meanwhile suspects there might be a pretty heart locked inside that new body, but has Javier learned enough to earn Cole—instead of coal—for Christmas?

## Characters

* Javier Torres
* Cole
Tony Stoker

**Tony Stoker** is a minor character in *Anything Could Happen*. He is part of a "throuple" (triad) along with Mark Byrne and Grant Carter. Mark and Tony were originally together and Grant joined their relationship.

Tony is a big, bearded man.

Tony, along with Mark and Grant, appear at Guy's apartment for a small get-together and later at The Male Box during Austin's birthday party.
Breakfast

## Episode blurb

In this episode we discuss the most depressing television shows in history, Tom's potential untimely demise in London, a cereal box that angered Tim and answer some listener mail. Also, some stuff about breakfast.

## Running Gags

* Tim hates teenagers
* "What if we die before this comes out?"
* "You're Awful" segment

## Quotes

**Tom**: "If someone's wearing a tuxedo with a baseball cap, they're either bald or [have] horns or something."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Tom, how did the meet-up go? In London, England?"

**Tom**: "Uneventful. Indeterminable. I don't remember!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Tom, you can't call the Royal Family 'malarkey' when over there. They'll throw you in jail."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Hello, everybody."

[sound of something dropping]

**Tim**: "Tom."

**Tom**: "Sorry!"

**Tim**: "I asked you to keep quiet! I received some very distressing news this morning. Apparently at the meet-up that occurred 2 days ago, Tom was stabbed to death. Stop laughing, Tom, it's gonna happen!"

**Tom**: "No, it's not gonna happen!"

**Tim**: "I have to record the news of your death while I can. Tom, shut up! It's with a heavy heart that I report that Tom was stabbed to death in London, England. Fear not ... I have a bunch of other, superior hosts lined up to take his place."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I have a personality that lends itself to being stabbed?"

**Tim**: "People HATE you."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "That's a true story. A man farted in my cereal."

**Tim**: "See, that's a gem. This is better than the Internet episode already."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "You're always saying, 'Tim, I look to you for all the ideas, you're the ideas man that drives The Complete Guide to Everything.' "

**Tom**: "That sounds like me."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I can't believe that we are giving away for free a show where a man reads a cereal box to another man."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "This isn't really 'Tim and Tom Solve Your Problems', it's more 'Tim and Tom Read An Email'."

**Tim**: "'Tom Reads An Email While Tim Plays Scrabble On His Phone'."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/breakfast
Medicine

## Episode Blurb

This week we discuss getting pity when you're sick, picking regular cold medicine over "extra strength" medicine, Tom's back problems, Tim's quest for Nyquil immunity and homeopathic remedies. This episode also includes a long segment from the recent TCGTE live New York City show, where we discuss the major events of 2011.
Café Namasté

**Café Namasté** is a vegan/vegetarian restaurant located in the college town of Terra’s Gate featured in *Spring Affair.* It is located on Green Street. The owner is Earl Beebe.

On the same street can be found several other shops including a Evolution Comics, a sports clothing store, The Radiant Cup 2 and Treasures of Terra.

## *Spring Affair*

The cafe's first appearance is in *Spring Affair* in which Max Turner introduces Sloan McKenna to it, and to vegan cuisine as a whole. The two frequent the restaurant to the point that owner and staff recognize them as regulars, some thinking they are a couple. Sloan also introduces Peni Faamausili to the restaurant.

## *Summer Lover*

In *Summer Lover*, Scott Aberdeen and Peni have dinner here.

## *Derek*

In *Derek*, Derek Newton and Marshall Kenworthy discuss eating here as Derek has tried the food before.

## *Autumn Changes*

In *Autumn Changes*, Peni and Asher Eisenberg have dinner here.

## *Winter Heart*

In *Winter Heart*, .Wyatt Dolan meets Max and Sloan for lunch here.

.

Special thanks to Karen Gonzalez for naming Evolution Comics.
SXSW

## Episode Blurb

This week we discuss Tom's trip to South by Southwest 2012, as well as Tim's experience at a past SXSW. Also: St. Patrick's Day all-nighters, bathroom shenanigans at a bar, aggressive jerks at bars, Tom goes on an airplane, a house with no privacy, the homeless 4G hotspot controversy, and the introduction of the TCGTE Book Club.
World Cup

## Episode blurb

In this episode we discuss all things World Cup related, including: - Elementary school sports - Bringing a baby to a bar - Hipsters trying to be worldly - Kim Jong Il

## Quotes

**Tim**: "It's really loud in here, Tom!"

**Tom**: "It's the vuvuzelas!"

**Tim**: "Who are all these people?"

**Tom**: "They're some South African gentlemen I paid to come in and play the vuvuzelas!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "What's the difference between a match and a game? is that the same for all sports?"

**Tom**: "It's a synonym."

**Tim**: "Alright, what about a match and a race? Can you say you're going to go watch the horse match?"

**Tom**: "No, nor can you say you'll watch the basketball race ..."

**Tim**: "Always gotta bring race into it when it's basketball, eh, Tom?"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Dunno why the UK doesn't have a team, it's all separate-"

**Tom**: "'Cause the UK is England, Wales, Scotland and the Republic of Ireland."

**Tim**: "I don't understand the political situation [in the UK]. And goddamnit, I know most of our listeners are from there ... but I'm not going to sit down for 5 minutes and read a wikipedia page about it."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I come back and there are all these police cars and everything ... they were like, 'Someone found a dead hooker in this apartment'. And I'm like, 'Woah, that's MY apartment!' well not my literal apartment, 'they found her? I hid her so well!'"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "What would happen if you drank formula, would you become a baby?"

**Tim**: "Maybe, your head would get huge!"

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/world-cup
Being Sick

## Episode blurb

This week: Tom is sick and complains about it Neti pots English as a second language Americans using slang from other countries New Year's Eve drum solo TCGTE sitar and didgeridoo episodes Buying pseudoephedrine Time travel art fraud Naked lady art class The "Empty Suitcase" method of ending a relationship A filthy letter from a [...]

## Running Gags

* One of them has just been/is sick (first mention)
* Time travel is mentioned

## Quotes

**Tom**: "That's why I live in America, even though most of our listeners live in the UK. There needs to be some distance, and that distance needs to be thousands of miles and an ocean."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I guess I'll try the neti pot because this crystal meth hasn't made me feel any better."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I say we get really good at painting and we paint busty, attractive ladies in the style of old and try to pass them off. It'd put bums in seats. There'd be a lot of pre-teen boys there. Oh wait, maybe not post-internet. If this was like, 1991 ... if we ever figure out how to travel back in time, this is one of the ways we can make money."

**Tom**: "Right, not playing the stock market or anything like that. Just selling porn to young teenage boys."

**Tim**: "It's fine art - what are you not understanding here, Tom?"

**Tom**: "I think this is poor use of time travel."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I've never worn a silk shirt but I have worn cashmere sweaters."

**Tim**: "... We should do next week's show in cashmere sweaters."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I really think I was abducted by aliens last night."

**Tom**: "What? I don't wanna sleep here."

**Tim**: "The last thing I remember was eating a slice of pizza. I don't even remember finishing the slice. Next thing, I wake up and it's 4am."

**Tom**: "Was the pizza gone?"

**Tim**: "Yeah the pizza was gone."

**Tom**: "So you think they basically just wanted the pizza ... that just sounds like you fell asleep on the couch, Tim."

**Tim**: "Usually you remember lying down ... where'd the pizza go, Tom?"

**Tom**: "You ate the pizza and you fell asleep!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I'll make it in my bedroom so I have several different rooms in my bedroom. I don't fuck around when I make forts, Tom."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I really wanted a segment where I make predictions - Timstradamus."

## References

1. ↑ https://tcgteclassicsblog.wordpress.com/rankings/
2. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/being-sick
Letters to Famous Prisoners

## Episode blurb

New Travel Agencies, Letters to Criminals. "I'll Be Missing You", Adopting a Teenager, My Super Sweet Sixteen.

## Running Gags

* Batman is mentioned (first mention)
* Tim hates teenagers

## Quotes

> **Tim**: "If a 28-year old man goes into a 3rd world country and adopts a 14-year old boy, I think people are just going to be weirded out."
>
>

--

> **Tom**: "I would adopt a very ugly child, so no one would think there was hanky panky."
>
>

--

> **Tim**: "This new segment is called 'Teenagers can eat shit'. You know why it's called that Tom? Because teenagers can eat shit."
>
>

## References

1. ↑ https://tcgteclassicsblog.wordpress.com/rankings/
2. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/letters-to-famous-prisoners
Shopping

## Episode blurb

Tim comes down with an acute case of Mall Madness. Also we discuss pizzerias, Tom's love of novelty foods, various Nickelodeon game shows, Julia Roberts, the upcoming London meet-up and more!

## Running Gags

* Batman is mentioned
* Tom does a questionable accent
* Starbucks is mentioned
* Tim hates the Baby Boomers

## Quotes

**Tim**: "It's like that dream where it's like, 'I didn't know I had a test today, and I'm not wearing any pants!'"

**Tom**: "That doesn't explain why you're not wearing pants, by the way."

**Tim**: "I'm just rarely wearing pants, Tom."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I've been an advocate of naming your kid 'Doctor' for a long time."

**Tim**: "Doctor Reynolds?"

**Tom**: "Doctor Reynolds."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Patrons come in and ask if they can have a stuffed crust pizza, and they're like= [Italian accent] 'Mama Mia! Thesa ovens! These are nota made for a stuffeda crusta pizza!'"

**Tim**: "Tom. Tremendously-offensive what you are doing right now. I have a rich Italian heritage."

**Tom**: "Were you confused for a minute there?"

**Tim**: "I thought I was talking to a relative."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I was psyching myself up in the mirror earlier. I was saying to myself, 'Mommy's little boy is gonna be fashionable this year'."

[Tom cracks up for a good 30 seconds]

**Tim**: "Is that weird? cut that part out. I can trust you to cut that out, right?"

**Tom**: "I kinda wanna end the episode now."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I love Europeans, but why are you walking so damn slow, people with an accent?"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I bought some nice trousers. I wound up getting them altered and they did it while I waited."

**Tom**: "How were they altered? Did they let out the crotch?"

**Tim**: "Yeah I obviously needed a bit more room down there."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "This whole podcast has really turned into us coping with becoming legitimate adults."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "So will I or will I not be in London with you?"

**Tom**: "You will not be there. Tim will not be there."

**Tim**: "But Tom ... or will I?"

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/shopping
College - Freshman Year and Wearing T-Shirts As Underwear

## Episode blurb

Tom and Tim discuss the college freshman year experience, how not to masturbate discreetly and more. Plus, Tim fails at sorcery.

## Quotes

**Tom**: "Wow, we both went to a school that is the name of the state and then the word University in it."

**Tim**: "I never realised that. Wow, we must be soulmates!"

--
**Tom**: "They had Girls Gone Wild at that bar once. Not that I was there. I was at home studying."

**Tim**: "Of course. Did you see breasts there when you didn't go?"

--
**Tom**: "In the past, I'd gone for a poop, come back, and [my roommate] had locked the door."

**Tim**: "Yeah, but your poops last 3 hours sometimes."

--
**Tim**: "It's not supportive. I bet his balls are hanging out of the neckhole."

--
**Tim**: "I feel like college kids are very entitled these days. The joke's on them, cause they're not gonna have jobs."

--
**Tom**: "Good luck breaking into professional podcasting - it's all about who you know and who you've fucked. We've fucked our way to the top."

## Anecdotes

### **Tim:**

"My roommate used to snore really loud, almost every night. So I'd throw a textbook on his bed, which would jostle him and wake him just enough to stop the snoring for like, 20 minutes. So one night I threw the book at him, and it hit him square in the face. So he got up screaming, his hands covered in blood. And I just pretended to be asleep."

### **Tom:**

"So I was invited down the hall for pizza, and I told my roommate this, and that I'd be right back, cause in the past, I'd gone for a poop, come back, and he'd locked the door. This time it was pretty late at night, and I knew he was going to do it so I made it explicit, everything short of 'Don't lock the door and don't start jerking off. "As soon as I left, I would hear his fly unzip ... and as soon as my key was in the door I'd hear him finish. I'm gone 10 mins. I come back and the fucking door's locked. I'd told him, and it was a weeknight, and it was like 2 in the morning. So I open the door, and the lights are off. And he's in between the beds on the floor, pulling up his pants.. and instead of underwear, he had a t-shirt down there."

## References

1. ↑ https://tcgteclassicsblog.wordpress.com/rankings/
2. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/college-freshman-year-and