Wiggle

*Todd plays "Wiggle" on the piano*

***JASON DERULO ft. SNOOP DOGG - WIGGLE
A pop song review***

**Todd**: I literally just heard this song for the first time, like, a couple days ago.

*Video for "Wiggle"*
**Snoop**: Hey yo, Jason
**Todd (VO)**: Like, I usually stop to think about a song for a while before I decide to review it, but this, this, just one listen... I-I dropped my drink when I first heard this song. It's...yeah, it's gonna be one of *those* episodes, folks. Prepare yourself.

**Todd**: Yeah, it's another Jason DeRulo song. I'm *really* sorry. I...

*Clip of "Talk Dirty"*
**Todd (VO)**: ...did not expect to be reviewing another one this soon after the last one, so this might seem a little redundant. But if you need a recap,...

**Todd**: ...here's what I think of the guy in general.

*Clip of "Whatcha Say"*
**Todd (VO)**: Jason DeRulo is a talentless hack; an emotionally retarded buffoon entirely devoid of wit, charisma, or anything resembling a functioning brain cell; an artist of stunning incompetence whose noxious, simpering vocals depend entirely on lazy Auto-Tune that somehow still emphasizes his pathetic inability to hold a single note on-key in his reedy, punchable throat. He's a malformed rat-being clumsily unable to even walk upright who's too stupid to even pity, and I wish he'd come to terms with the fact that he's a sentient bucket of pig sewage so he'll stop polluting the world with the audio dumpster juice he calls music.

**Todd**: I don't like him. Artistically, I mean; I don't know what he's like personally. And I feel weirdly alone in this.

*Respective clips of "Loyal" and "As Long as You Love Me" by...*
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, I hate Chris Brown and Justin Bieber, but you know, that doesn't make me special. I'm not gonna blow anyone's mind by saying I think they suck. *[Clip of "Trumpets"]* But I think I may be the only person who really, genuinely loathes Jason DeRulo. I guess because he kind of blends into the background and people don't notice him enough. Well...

**Todd**: ...you'll remember this one, trust me.

*Clip of...*
**Todd (VO)**: In the few months since I reviewed it, "Talk Dirty" has continued to be played just as much as ever, and my criticisms of it stand. The premise doesn't make any sense, it exposes a lot of ugly attitudes towards women and other cultures, and of course, DeRulo's atrocious on it as always.

**Todd**: In other words, "Talk Dirty" is probably my favorite Jason DeRulo song to date.

**Todd (VO)**: There is much wrong with it obviously, but if you can get past Jason DeRulo's voice, Jason DeRulo's lyrics, Jason DeRulo's personality, and of course, racism, you'll actually find a lot to like about "Talk Dirty," specifically a beat that is probably the best you'll hear in a mainstream radio hit right now. That comes from *[brief clip of live performance by...]* world beat fusion group Balkan Beat Box, and it is an inspired choice of sample that "Talk Dirty" steals and actually improves in some minor ways, like the orchestra hits and lead-up to the chorus. And that's probably why, though he never really *stopped* charting, "Talk Dirty" was the first in a while that made people actually remember DeRulo's name. I even heard goddamn ads for *[album cover]* his newest album, which, in actuality, is just *[cover of* Tattoos*]* his last album with some newer tracks mixed in.

**Todd**: I assume this was done to help cement DeRulo's new direction.

*Clip of "The Other Side"*
**Todd (VO)**: See, DeRulo had always worked in the electronic dance-pop side of R&B, but *[clip of performance on* Jimmy Kimmel Live!*]* "Talk Dirty" took him more towards sleazy, down-n-dirty hip-hop. And why not? *[Clip of "Look at Me Now" by...]* Chris Brown made that exact transition when he couldn't play the unthreatening boy next door anymore after everyone found out he was a douchebag. *[Clip of "Stupid Love"]* And DeRulo was even *less* credible as a man of romance. Why not play up the sleazy side of his persona?

*Video for "Wiggle"*
So we get his newest song, "Wiggle," which is about every rapper's favorite female body part, *[picture of...]* the shin.

**Todd**: *[reading note]* Excuse me, I misread that. The butt. The buttocks are what this song is about. Take a listen.

**Snoop**: Hey yo, Jason
Say something to her
Holla at her
**Todd**: Yeah, Jason. Say something. Really impress her.

**Jason**: How do you fit all that in them jeans?
**Todd (VO)**: Well, this is...

**Todd**: ...already going downhill. Not the only time *[brief clip of the Black Eyed Peas'...]* the song reminds you of "My Humps," by the way.

**Todd (VO)**: And wait for it... Wait for it...

**Jason**: You know what to do with that big, fat butt
**Jason and Snoop**: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
*Todd presses his hands tight into his face*

**Todd**: Excuse me, I'm just trying to smother myself with my own hands.

**Jason**: You know what to do with that big, fat butt
**Todd (VO)**: I love how the music cuts out and lets that lyric just sit there like a protracted, lingering fart.

**Jason**: You know what to do with that big, fat butt
**Todd (VO)**: 'Cause really, what response is there but just a long stretch of awkward silence?

**Todd**: No, let's all just stop what we're doing and think about the horrible, awkward thing that just happened, maybe while glaring in his direction.

**Jason**: You know what to do with that big, fat butt
*[A still of DeRulo grinning, followed by re-contextualized clips of Snoop and a mohawked extra looking embarrassed, over the sound of chirping crickets. And DeRulo is still smiling...]*
**Todd**: Oh, and let's listen to that beat.

**Todd (VO)**: Now, remember how I said how good the beat was in "Talk Dirty"? Yeah, well, lightning didn't strike twice obviously. Let's take a listen here.

**Jason and Snoop**: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
**Todd**: That's a goddamn *[picture of...]* recorder.

**Todd (VO)**: I mean, I looked at the video, I was, like, trying to be charitable, like maybe they were going for an exotic pan-flute thing.

**Todd**: No, that's a goddamn recorder.

**Todd (VO)**: It's a beat built around a *[cover of* VeggieTales *songbook]* plastic toy you get at the dollar store for three-year-olds. And an *annoying* plastic dollar store toy, at that!

**Todd**: This is one level up from having the lead instrument in your song be a Tickle Me Elmo!

**Todd (VO)**: Tickle, tickle, tickle

*Elmo chuckles over the song*
**Jason**: You know what to do with that big, fat butt
**Jason and Snoop**: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
**Todd**: You know, if your butt is big and fat enough, you don't have to *do* anything with it. It'll wiggle on its own.

**Todd (VO)**: And if you're thinking that we've already reached the dumbest point in the song ten seconds in, well, sorry, no. Let's see how dumb the rabbit hole goes.

**Jason**: Patty cake, patty cake, with no hands
Got me in this club making wedding plans
*Todd has no words*

*Clip of Johnny Lee on* Ralph Emery Show
**Johnny Lee**: Looking for love in all the wrong places
**Todd (VO)**: You know, I'm not your mom or anything, but...

**Todd**: ...maybe you two are moving a little fast here.

**Jason**: Got me in this club making wedding plans
**Todd (VO)**: Slow down, Ted Mosby. Believe it or not, a butt is not a foundation for a lasting marriage.

**Jason**: If I take pictures while you do your dance
I can make you famous on Instagram
**Todd**: And isn't that every girl's dream, to have a photo of their butt go viral?

**Jason and Snoop**: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
**Snoop**: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
**Jason and Snoop**: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
**Snoop**: Shake it, shake it, girl
**Jason and Snoop**: Just a little bittle
**Snoop**: Little bittle little bittle
*\*BUZZER\* (NOT A RHYME) \*BUZZER\* (OR A WORD) \*BUZZER\* (SERIOUSLY WTF)*

**Todd**: Can I ask, is there any song in history that has the word "wiggle" in the title, or "wiggle" anywhere in the song, that was any good?

*Clips of 2 in a Room - "Wiggle It"...*
**2 in a Room**: Wiggle it just a little bit
*...LMFAO - "Sexy and I Know It"...*
**LMFAO**: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle yeah
*...The Wiggles - "Get Ready to Wiggle"...*
**Greg Page**: Get ready to wiggle
Wiggle will make you big and strong
*...and the Outhere Brothers - "Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle)"*
**Malik**: Wiggle, wiggle
Wiggle, wiggle
Wiggle, wiggle
Wiggle
**Todd (VO)**: Holy crap, what the hell was this last one?

**Todd**: Yeah, I'm gonna take that as a no.

**Todd (VO)**: It's an inherently stupid, unusable word in a song...hold on.

**Todd**: *[looking at phone]* Okay, hold on, hold on. Okay, I found a Bob Dylan song. Maybe I was wrong.

*Album cover of* Under the Red Sky *as "Wiggle Wiggle" plays*
**Bob Dylan**: Wiggle wiggle wiggle like a bowl of soup
Wiggle wiggle wiggle like a rolling hoop
Wiggle wiggle wiggle like a ton of lead
**Todd (VO)**: No, I was right the first time.

**Todd**: Man, the '80s were just not good for Dylan.

**Todd (VO)**: Okay, keep it going, let's just power through it.

**Jason**: Hot damn it
Your booty like two planets
Go head, and go ham sammich
**Todd**: Okay, seriously, is this a *diss* track?

**Jason**: Your booty like two planets
**Todd (VO)**: This isn't just a big, fat butt. It's *[picture of, sitting in a chair...]* an astronomically large butt. I'm genuinely not sure this isn't just a horribly cruel song making fun of fat girls.

**Jason**: Hot damn it
Your booty like two planets
**Todd**: Okay...

*Clips of Dana Carvey on* Dennis Miller Live *and* Saturday Night Live *as George Bush*
**Todd (VO)**: I heard Dana Carvey say once that his George H.W. Bush impression started out as fairly accurate, but by 1992, he had done it so much that it became, like, this impression of his original impression, and it didn't really resemble the President anymore.

**Todd**: I bring it up because...

**Todd (VO)**: ...Jason DeRulo—and I think, maybe a lot of rap guys—he's gotten this impression of what an attractive butt is.

**Todd**: He knows they're supposed to be big because, you know...

*Brief clip of Sir Mix-a-Lot - "Baby Got Back"*
**Todd (VO)**: ...that's been engrained by more than two decades of hip-hop now, and he understands that they have, you know, two cheeks that are round and sometimes clap together when shaken; but it's like he's never...

**Todd**: ...actually *seen* a human butt before, so this *[picture of...]* vague, exaggerated description is all he has, and at this point, what he thinks a butt is, doesn't really *[picture of dog with googly eyes on butt]* resemble anything like real life and he's just embarrassing himself.

*Clip from* The 40-Year-Old Virgin
**Andy (Steve Carell)**: You know, like, when you grab a woman's breast and...it feels like a bag of sand.
**Todd**: See? See? This is what I'm talking about.

**Jason**: Your booty like two planets
**Todd (VO)**: Big butts are good, that's been ingrained in him, so the best butt must be the butt that's the biggest. This is the logic. The best butt has cheeks like two planets.

**Todd**: And when they clap together, it's like *[picture of two planets colliding] boosh!*

**Todd (VO)**: And I take back that thing about a butt not being a strong foundation for marriage. Apparently, this butt is huge enough to be a foundation for anything.

**Jason**: Your booty like two planets
Go head, and go ham sammich
*Todd is just about to eat a ham sandwich, then stops*

**Todd**: What?

**Jason**: Go head, and go ham sammich
**Todd**: *[putting sandwich back on plate]* Man, I don't even wanna finish this now.

**Jason**: Go head, and go ham sammich
**Todd**: Okay, well, let me go all Rap Genius on you here.

*Image reading "I'm about to go H.A.M."*
**Todd (VO)**: "Go HAM," is an abbreviation for, "go hard as a motherfucker."

**Todd**: DeRulo adds that expression to make, *[picture of two...]* "go ham sandwich."

**Todd (VO)**: ...which indicates that he wants you to go hardcore with the wiggling and to make it clear that he is, in fact, comparing you to *[picture of two...]* actual ham.

**Todd**: This is bringing the subtext to the forefront here.

**Todd (VO)**: He does, in fact, think of you as a *[picture of, with "you" underneath...]* piece of meat, and he's proud of it.

*Todd takes a bite*

**Snoop**: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
**Todd (VO)**: Oh, right, and there's Snoop Dogg. I...I'll be honest, I haven't actually listened to Snoop Dogg's part; I usually turn this off before that.

**Snoop**: Shake what your mama gave you
Misbehave, you
I just wanna strip you, dip you, flip you...
**Todd**: This is filler.

**Snoop**: Completely separated
Till I deeply penetrate it
Then I take it out, and wipe it off
**Todd**: *[on the shirtless fat guy walking through]* Okay, that's gross.

**Snoop**: Eat it, ate it, love it, hate it
Overstated, underrated, everywhere I been can you...
**Todd (VO)**: That was...okay, I guess.

**Todd**: Does Snoop Dogg being in this song reflect badly on him? No.

*Brief clips of "Gangsta Luv," "Young, Wild and Free," a Pepsi Max commercial, picture of Snoop with phone, and "Ashtrays and Heartbreaks Ft Miley Cyrus"*
**Todd (VO)**: Snoop Dogg is basically untouchable at this point. Nothing reflects badly on him. He knows we'll forgive him, no matter what awful, worthless thing he slaps his name on. He'll make terrible movies, sell out to T-Mobile ads, change his name to make boring reggae records...

**Todd**: ...whatever. He's Snoop freaking Dogg.

**Todd (VO)**: But at the same time, even if the song doesn't stain his reputation, his reputation doesn't exactly reflect any glory onto the song either. I mean, the Snoop Dogg brand is not a seal of quality, *[DVD cover of* Girls Gone Wild: Doggy Style*]* you get me? Snoop's never been one for quality control, and even though I love him, the flood of crap is starting to test my patience.

Uh, I will admit though, I am impressed with how well these hip-hop dancer girls are wiggling. And I'm not talking about their curves or their moves; I mean...how the hell are they dancing to this? This beat is *so bad.* It's just hokey and lame. This is basically un-wiggleable music. If you can wiggle to this, you can wiggle to anything.

*The Verve Pipe - "The Freshmen" plays over video*
**Brian Vander Ark**: For the life of me
I cannot remember
**Todd**: Ha, ha, ha, butts. Big butts.

**Jason and Snoop**: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
**Todd**: *[head in hands]* Oh, my God, can we all just stop saying, "wiggle"?

**Jason**: Cadillac, Cadillac, pop that trunk
Let's take a shot
Alley-oop that dunk
**Todd (VO)**: This is one of those songs that is so bad that I almost forgive someone for liking it. I knew a critic—and one I respect—who genuinely thought *[clip of...]* "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" was one of the best songs of the decade just on the basis of it being so goddamn weird. And it *is* weird. It's awful, but it's not a kind of awful you hear every day. *[Clip of Big Sean - "Dance (A$$)"]* I kind of made that same judgment call for the practically avant-garde "Ass Ass Ass Ass."

**Todd**: But you know what? No.

**Todd (VO)**: I take it back, all of it. "Wiggle" isn't strange enough to be so bad, it's good; and even if it was a weirder flavor of bad, I'd still hate it because I'm sick of this. I'm sick of all these songs, *[label for "R&B song from a dumbass #50000003024256"]* "I'm a dumb guy who sees women as objects #5,000,030." I'm sick of listening to them, I'm sick of reviewing them, I'm offended by them. And I don't mean I'm offended by the noxious sexism and stupidity; I'm just offended on the level of aesthetics. This is not good music.

**Todd**: I mean, I played the whole thing for you. Every single part of it was awful. I mean, we went through the whole thing. Did I miss anything?

**Jason**: Tired of working that 9-to-5
Well, baby, let me come and change your life
**Todd (VO)**: Oh wow, look at Jason DeRulo sympathizing with the working women of the world. Yeah, you know, I bet that's what *[clip of performance by...]* Dolly Parton was hoping for when she sang the song.

**Dolly**: Working 9 to 5
What a way to make a living
**Todd (VO)**: It sure sucks being just a step on the boss man's ladder, but, well, one day, with a little luck, you can...

**Todd**: ...shake your ass for Jason DeRulo.

**Todd (VO)**: Or maybe he should add a guest verse to this song. Wouldn't that be great?

**Todd**: Yeah, he'd better not.

**Todd (VO)**: He's already stinking up one genre; he'd better not...

**Todd**: ...try and stink up country too.

*Clip from 2014 CMT Awards*
**Luke Bryan**: And we're proud to have Jason DeRulo, y'all!
*[Jason pops onto the stage]*
**FL GA Line**: This is how we roll
This is how we ride
**Jason**: This is how we ride
**Todd**: ERRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!

*His hands clean of this, Todd gets up and leaves*

**Jason**: Make it clap, clap, clap
Like swing
**Snoop**: Damn baby you got a bright future behind you
*Closing tag song: Yo Gabba Gabba! - "Hold Still"*

***THE END
"Wiggle" is owned by Warner Bros. and sucks
This video is owned by me***