The Ballad of Big-Han

A Baudy Song from Chikabori. Written by the Oni Poet Munenori-no-Hasakabe

The Yakuza gets in his car

And gets right on the phone

Backing up, shaking his head saying

"Let me get my crazy ass home"

And his wife picks up and says

"Darlin' where have you been

I've been worried about you"

And he says "Yakuza business, honey, I can't wait

To tell you what I've been going through"

She says "Are you okay?"

"Yes"

"Do you need anything?"

"No"

"Well, I baked you a pie"

"Mm"

"Your favorite: cherry"

Then he said "I'll be there soon

Sorry I kept you hanging"

Then she said, "Honey, don't worry about it

Just take your time, I still got some cleanin'"

He pulls up in the garage

She doesn't expect for him to come that soon

She rushed to the door

Kiss him on the cheek says, "I was in the restroom"

Then he said "What you say that for?"

And then she says, "I don't know"

Then he step back, look at her and says

"What you all jittery for?"

Then she says, "Sweetheart, maybe it's that time of the month"

Then he says, "Maybe? Maybe that time of the month?"

And then she said, "You know what I mean"

He says, "I know what came out yo mouth"

He said, "You said maybe"

Then she says, "Baby", he walks in the house

And she tries to lead him upstairs

But he goes straight to the kitchen

She says, "Hun, I bought you some pears"

And then he said, "I'mma heat this chicken"

Then she turns around thinking to herself

With this weird look on her face

Then he screams, "Woman, what's wrong with you

Why are you walking back and forth, pacing?"

Before she answers, she's thinkin' to herself

"What am I to say?"

Because the truth of the matter is

That she just slept with another man today

And he started calling her name

"Mina, I know you hear me"

But she can't turn around

Because the truth on her face

He will see it

Then he screams "Mina!"

"Yes"

"Look at me!"

Mina turns around and then he says

"What you got up your sleeve?"

She's scared out of her mind

Stuttering and shaking and

Still talking about some pears

He starts screaming saying

"Look woman I done told you I'm not going up no stairs"

Now he's got a funny feeling

Something just don't seem right

He's looking at her while she's backing up

Then he says, "With all my might

Woman, I swear I'll shoot somebody

If you been doin' wrong"

But little does he know that somebody is still right there in his home

He looks around the kitchen and says, "Something is really weird"

She says, "Why do you say that?"

He says, "'Cause you keep tryin' to get me out of here"

He says, "Ever since I been in this house your face has went from white to red

And remember when I first walked through the door

You acted like you had seen a ghost from the dead"

Then he says, "Girl if you hidin' something I'm gonna be so mad"

Then he hears something fallin'. He says, "What the fuck was that?"

She says, "It sound like it came from upstairs, sounds like the plumbing."

He said, "Woman that sound did not come from upstairs

I'll be damned if you're not up to something

Now the sound that I just heard, it came from this kitchen."

And then he looks over by the stove

While she's easin' over by the dishes

And then he walks over to the refrigerator and pushes it back

And then he looks her in her face, looks like she's about to have a heart attack

Then he notices the pie on the counter: one slice is missing

Now the story's gettin' scary

'Cause he comes to realize that Mina is allergic to cherries

Then he slowly looks up at her and now her face is red as hell

He's breathing real hard, movin' closer, she says, "Hun, you don't look so well"

And then he says, "Move!"

She says "No"

He says "Move!"

She says "No"

"Bitch move!"

She moves!

And then, he looks at the cabinet

He walks to the cabinet

Get close to the cabinet

Now he's opening the cabinet

Now pause the movie 'cause what I'm about to say to y'all is so damn twisted

Not only is there a man in this cabinet

But the man is a Kappa.

Now the Kappa jumps out of the cabinet and stomps the Yakuza on his toe

The yakuza’s hoppin' around on one leg screamin', "Son of bitch", while he runs under the table

He yells, "Freeze" dives over the table and lands on the Kappa

While the Kappa is kickin' real fast screamin' out, "Mina!, Mina!"

She yells, "Darlin' don't hurt him". He says, "Mina get yo' ass back"

Then he continues to rough up the Kappa as if the Kappa was under attack

Then Mina runs up to her room, goes in her purse and pulls a number out

The Yakuza puts him on the table and yells, "Man, what the hell you doin' in my house?!"

He wipes cherry pie crust off his mouth and says, "Man I was paid not to tell you"

Then the Yakuza pulls his gun out and yells, "Trespassin' man I've got the right to shoot you"

The Kappa says, "Mister, the man that pay me to this would kill me if I tell."

He points the gun in his face, the Kappa says "God I think I just shitted on myself."

Now at Cabaret Musashi, Snakes got some drinks on their tables, playin' cards, gettin' along

They're laughing and talking when Kaoru-san says, "Souichi-kun, get the phone."

Then he walks away from the table, picks it up and says, "Hello?"

There's a lady on the other line, panicking, crying and talking all off the wall

Kanda says, "Wait, slow down, tell me, who am I talkin' to?"

"My name's Mina and I found your number in my husband's pocket, I had to call you"

Two minutes later Souichi’s shakin' his head sayin', "Ma’am I understand"

Ryouta says, "Who is it, Kanda?" He hangs up and tells them the address

Now meanwhile back at the Yakuza’s house, the Kappa is cryin' his ass off

While he lyin' through his teeth bout to get his little ass tore off

Then Mina bust in the kitchen with a double barrel sayin', "Rei I can't let you do this"

Then he looks at her and says, "What? You'll shoot me for this fuckin' Kappa?"

She says, "I love him". The Kappa says, "No, Mina!"

And then Rei points his gun says, "We're all gonna die up in this kitchen!"

Now Mina and Rei are starin' each other down slowly backin' apart

Then the Kappa takes his inhaler out and says, "This is not good for my heart"

Then Rei says, "Mina, don't make me do this, baby put the gun down"

That's when Ryouta and Kanda bust up in the house and said, "You put the gun down!"

Woo, while Kanda and Ryouta are sniffin' around

Tryna figure out what's that smell

As they turn and look at each other like, what the hell?

Now the Kappa begins to wake up 'cause he fainted from all the madness

See guns and blade pointed around the room he stand and says, "I have nothing to do with this"

Then Kanda said, "Hold up you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?"

Then he says, "Man I get around. You might know my face from here or there"

Then Rei says, "Take a good look 'cause you might not ever see his face again"

Kanda says, "Man what the hell is that smell? Somebody done broke wind!"

And then Mina starts cryin' while she's lookin' around

Ryouta said, "I'm sure we can work this out but first let's put the guns down"

Then Mina cries, "Rei first." Then he said, "No you go!"

Ryouta said, "Just do it the same time" and they both look at him and said, "No!"

And then Kanda says, "Man let me shoot 'em all" and Ryouta said, "We can't do that

And besides man I got reassigned and I'll be damned if I’m going back."

Then Mina says, "I'll drop the gun if he promise not to hurt 'Big-han'

Then Rei says, "That's what you call him, that's his name, huh. 'Big-han'?"

Kanda says, "Man is that ya name?" He yells, "Yeah" We laugh, "Hot mess!"

Ryouta say, "Man, why they call you that?" and he says, "Because I'm blessed"

Kanda start shakin' my head and put the gun down sayin', "This is too much for me!"

Said, "I can't take no more then heard it all this shit 'bout to drive me crazy"

And then he say, "Man I shouldn't never took my ass to Chikabori’s Clubs!”

Then 'Big-han' says, "Chikabori, I live there, that's probably where you know me from."

Then Rei says, "Hey, hey Cross and Mirror, let's get back to the matter at hand"

Kanda says, "Cool, but first there's just this one thing I've got to understand"

Rei says, "What?"

Kanda says, "How do you know Cross and Mirror?"

Yakuza says, "What you talkin' about, man?"

"You said Cross and Mirror!"

Then Mina says, "Hun my stomach"

Then Ryouta says, “Aren’t they from Bad Batch?"

Pointed his gun and said, "Talk to me, Rei"

He said, "Mirror, Cross?"

Then Mina says, "I'm about to throw up"

Rei says, "My wife is sick"

Kanda says "Man, I don't believe that shit"

Ryouta says "How did your wife get sick?"

He says, "She's three months pregnant!"

And then they all said, "Oh, shit!"

Then Mina says, "Honey, there's something I have to tell ya"

Then Rei says, "No, baby, you don't have to say a word right now"

Then she says, "But Rei". Then he says, "Rest, Mina, while I get these fools up out my house"

Pointed the gun at them and yells, "Leave." Said, "My wife is sick"

Kanda look at him and said, "Motherfucker you crazy! Watch where you point that shit!"

Then Mina says, "Rei, no!"

Kanda-kun gets a phone call. It's Kaoru-san askin' him, "Is everything OK?"

And he says, "Hell, naw!"

He hangs up, then 'Big-han screams, "Look, man, I'm just a stripper"

Ryouta said, "Stripper?" Kanda says, "A Kappa?"

He said, "I strip at this club called Shellies’ and that is where I met Mina"

Mina says, "Rei." He says, "Not now"

She says, "Hun please let me explain"

Kanda whispers in Ryouta ear and says, "Ryouta-san, let me fire a bullet."

'Big-han' overhears us and take his inhaler out again

Ryouta said, "We’re not firing a shot"

Rei movin' closer to them with the gun

Mina yellin', "Stop! Stop! Stop!"

And then she says, "I admit it, I did it, I paid him"

Then Rei cuts her off and says, "Baby, you don't have to say nothing"

She says, "No, Rei, I think you need to hear this

See I been covering for you a long time

Never said what was on my mind

I even followed you a few times

And when I saw you with her you act like I was blind."

Rei says, "Wait a minute, Mina

Just what are you tryin' to tell me?"

"Not only am I sleepin' with 'Big-han”, but he's my baby's daddy!"

Woo! The Kappa faints again

While Kanda and Ryouta  is trippin'

The Kappa's the baby's daddy, woo!