Immortal

Immortal is the first chapter in the Wombles Four.

“Run!” said Steed and Cathy after the policemen poked their heads out from the bushes.  They did run.  “Policemen are all over this country looking for us!” said Steed. “Quick get in this boat with me!” So they both leapt into the nearest rowing boat and rowed off to france.

It took days to get there, but it was worth it.  They struggled out of the boat, as their legs were stiff from not using them for so long. “Well,” said Cathy.  “I guess we’ve escaped.”  As she was talking, Steed saw something.  “What’s that in your mouth?”  Cathy felt inside.  She felt something strange.  “I think it’s a tracking device!”  She tried to pull it out but it was properly stuck.  “That means the police know we’re here!  And look, they’re coming in a motor boat now!”

They weren’t sure what to do.  Suddenly Cathy had an idea.  She grabbed the nearest French person and knocked them out, then took some of their clothes and disguised as them.  She also tied her hair up and put make-up over her birthmarks to make herself less recognisable.  Then she finally managed to tug the tracking device out of her mouth and stick it to the nearest building.  Suddenly someone came out of the building.  “Es-tu francais?” they asked.  Cathy was about to reply, “Non.” When she remembered that she was disguised as a French person.  “Oui, je suis francais.” She said.  “Bon!” replied the person at the door of the building, and took her in.

Cathy looked around. It was a gym.  She shrugged and decided to try it out.

Steed was just trying to work out what to do about the police coming when he realised that Cathy had gone.  He rushed into the nearest building to try and find her.  Luckily it was the gym.  He decided to try it out as well.

Later, the person who had been at the door came up to Cathy, and said, “Es-tu content?”  Cathy replied, “Je suis content, mais il est fatigue.”  She pointed at Steed.  “Est-il francais?” asked the person who had been at the door.  Steed wasn’t disguised, so Cathy told the truth this time. “Non.”  The person who had been at the door asked, “Est-il anglais?”  “Oui.”  The person who had been at the door couldn’t pronounce English words, but did know them, so wrote something down and showed it to Steed.  It said: Intruder!  Only French people allowed in here!  You must be killed!

Cathy saw it so started throwing everyone else there on the floor, and got Steed out, then suddenly remembered something.  “The babies! We left them in the boat!”  They rushed to where they had left the boat, but it was gone.

The police were also looking for the babies.  The babies were still wearing their bowler hats and one had learned French.  “Les avons-nous perdus?” Dit le jumeau qui était une fille (said the twin who was a girl.  The boy unfortunately the boy was not so good with languages.  “I don’t speak French!” he said frustatedly.  Then he added “What did you say?”  “Have we lost them?” His sister replied.  “I don’t know!” said her Brother.  “No that is what I asked in French!”  “I don’t speak French!” the boy shouted.  “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?” he asked.  “Of course!  Oh you will NEVER make a secret agent!  Hang on we need changing again!  Ready?” the girl asked.  “Ready!” the boy replied.

They crawled up to the nearest lady and cried.  “Ils sont si doux! Oh! Ils ont besoin d'être changés. Ne vous inquiétez pas de mes petits pois, Madame Artois vous fera plaisir!” she said smiling.  (They are so sweet!  Oh!  They need changing.  Do not worry my sweet peas Madame Artois will care for you!)  Madame Artois took the Steed twins to Café Rene.

As they entered the Café Mr Artois was holding a pretty waitress.  “René! Pourquoi tenez-vous cette fille comme ça?” (Rene!  Why are you holding that girl like that?) shouted Madame Artois.  Rene replied quickly looking a bit shiftily.  “Ta femme stupide! Pouvez-vous ne pas voir qu'elle a perdu un contact?” (You stupid woman!  Can you not see she has lost a contact lense?)  It turned out that Madame Artois actually was stupid and believed Rene.  So the twins were adopted by the Artois family.  They named the girl Yvette and the boy Crabtree.

Beep!  Beep!  Beep! “I think it’s working!”  “Of course it is, my inventions never fail.” “Any moment now…”  The person suddenly leapt out of the hospital bed. “I’m back!” she cried.  “I’m back, I’m back I’m back!”  “Back from where?” asked one of the doctors.  “Oh just some kind of weird other world, but now I’m back!” “Er, Mrs Peel, you were dead.  If you look down you will see that you have a wound in your chest.  You were stabbed, you see.  I brought you back to life by putting my latest invention in the wound.”  Mrs Peel was filled with rage.  “Who did it?  Who was it who stabbed me?” she yelled.  “Mrs Cathy Steed.” Replied one of the doctors.  “I’ll kill her!”  “Very well then, we’ll send you to work with the police.”  Mrs Peel blinked and stared for a moment, then said, “Oh I see because of her murder.  Oh, and, do you mind if I kill her with what she killed me with?”  “Why?”  “Because then when I appear alive, I might look more scary, especially since the weapon will have my blood on it!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”  She then ran out and along the road, shouting at the top of her voice, “I’m bbbbbaaaaaacccccckkkkkk!”

Yvette and Crabtree didn’t want to be adopted.  “We must escape!” said Crabtree.  “Oui” replied Yvette, so when Madame Artois and Rene weren’t looking, they crawled out to try and find Steed and Cathy.

Cathy was sitting in a boat blaming herself for the babies going missing, and Steed was trying to convince her that it wasn’t her fault, when suddenly they heard something. “Bonjour!” said a female voice. “Hello!” said a male voice.  It was the babies!  Cathy picked up Yvette.  “Je suis Yvette” they said.  “Non vous n’etes pas!” replied Cathy.  “Oui je suis.” Replied Yvette.  “Well not anymore.” Insisted Cathy.  Not Yvette Anymore knew that speaking to her in English meant that Cathy meant it.

Steed was holding Crabtree. “I am Crabtree” he said.  “No you’re not!” said Steed.  “Yes I am.” Replied Crabtree.  “Well not anymore.” Insisted Steed.  So Yvette was renamed to Lucy and Crabtree was renamed to Thomas.

“It must be here somewhere.” Mrs Peel rustled through everything in the Steeds’ house.  “Really? Is there no weapon with my blood on it? Oh hang on, is this it?”  She pulled out a dagger.  “No, that’s not my blood, that’s probably Venus’.”  Finally she found the machete.  “Aha!”  She looked it up and down, grinning.  “But first for my test subject.  Ha ha ha ha ha!”

Melville was packing to go on holiday.  Suddenly the doorbell rang.  “Come in!” he said.  To his surprise, stood at the door was Mrs Peel with a wound in her chest, and holding a machete with blood on it that matched her own.  He started to run.  She swung the machete at him.  He couldn’t escape in time.  Suddenly something occurred to Mrs Peel.  “Hang on, before there was no blood here at all, it was always a clean death. Perhaps I should test this some more, just to make sure it’s real.”

Someone came up to the door of Melville’s house.  Mrs Peel answered with a big grin on her face, and used him as her next test subject. The machete worked, but Mrs Peel decided that, to be sure, she would just have to test it on everybody.  Except, of course, the people who agreed to help her kill Cathy.

Rrrrring! Rrrrring!  Rrrrrring!  “Hello, who is speaking?”  “An old friend of yours.  To be more precise, an old boss of yours.  You are Great Uncle Bulgaria Coburg Womble aren’t you?”  “I was, but now I’m Please Tell Me Who You Are Uncle Bulgaria Coburg Womble.  Can you give your name sil te plait?”  “Why are you speaking French?”  “Because Madame Cholet taught me.  Anyway, state your name.”  “The name’s Peel.  Emma Peel.” “B…b…but… you’re…”  “Dead?  I’m afraid your wrong.  I’m right outside.”  Mrs Peel burst into ONUBCWO (Oh No Uncle Bulgaria Coburg Womble’s Office), and swung the machete at him.  She missed, and I Need You Uncle Bulgaria rushed to the red phone in the glass cage.

Meanwhile, in the Wombat Cave…

“The Wombat Phone!” Wombat answered his big red phone.  “Yes Bulgaria?”  “Mrs Peel is alive and she’s here to kill me!”  “I’m coming!”  Wombat put down the phone and said, “Womble Wonder!  Follow me!  Bulgaria’s in danger!”  They rushed to ATBKBMBWAMUBCWO. (About To Be Killed By My Boss With A Machete Uncle Bulgaria Coburg Womble’s Office.)  They knocked out Mrs Peel just in time.  They carried her off, and mistakenly left the machete lying there.

The police found a lot of people lying dead with wounds in their chests.  They found some footprints.  They followed them into NRIATBABTPUBCWO.  (Not Realising I’m About To Be Arrested By The Police Uncle Bulgaria Coburg Womble’s Office).  They saw the machete lying there with blood on the end.  They saw What Is Happening Uncle Bulgaria.  “So it was you who killed all those people was it?” they said, and arrested him, while Mrs Peel finally decided she had tested enough, and was sent out to kill Cathy.  But what she didn’t realise was that she was also meant to kill Steed.