The Darkest Moose/Transcript

(The episode starts inside of a laboratory, where Moose is seen working on something, not having a care in the world until the cops burst through the door, wielding guns.)

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP!

Moose: AH! What did I do wrong?!

Cop: I SAID PUT YOUR HANDS UP!

Moose: But why?

Cop: You’re under arrest for using unauthorized chemicals!

Moose: I’ve been doing this kind of stuff for years! I even have a permit.

Cop: Show it.

(He shows it to the cop, but it's actually frauded.)

Cop: HEY! THIS PERMIT IS FAKE!

Moose: But I bought it off the inter-Ugh, WHY DIDNT YOUNG ME KNOW IT WAS SCAM?!

Cop: Well kiss this laboratory of yours goodbye!

(Moose is thrown out of his own laboratory. The cops lock access to it)

Moose: ARE YOU KIDDING? MY LAB IS MY HOME!

Cop: Well, I guess you either have to get a whole new home or hope that someone will let you stay at theirs, goodbye young sir.

Moose: DARN IT! Now where am I supposed to stay?! Hmm… I wonder if an old friend will let me stay with him…

(Cue theme song. After that, the scene cuts to the Candle House where Shaduck sips fish soup at the kitchen table.)

Shaduck: Mmm! Is there anything better than sipping fish soup in the middle of the day?

Mystic: BUT THE SOUND IT MAKES IS REALLY ANNOYING!

Shaduck: Not as annoying as YOU!

Limefong: Why don’t you both shut up, and then we can watch Moose Wine!

Shaduck: Moose Wine? What’s that?

Limefong: A show about elegant moose.

Shaduck: Moose… that’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.

Limefong: Moose? Who is that?

Shaduck: My childhood best friend!

Limefong: I thought Moose was a regular citizen who was a friend of ours!

Shaduck: Last I saw him, we played basketball with you, Candle Man, Baghead, and Pesron.

Limefong: That was a long time ago.

Shaduck: And I think he helped out in the Eggplant VS Fish Soup Dish Dash we had.

Limefong: Oh, jeah! I remember.

Shaduck: I wish I could see him again!

(Suddenly, something busts the door in. The Main 4 jerk their heads to see none other than…)

Everyone: Moose?

Moose: Shaduck!

Shaduck: Candle Man?

Candle Man: Limefong?

Mystic: Mystic!

Everyone but Mystic: Huh?

(Scene cuts to Shaduck and Moose sitting at the table, talking and catching up.)

Moose: So, I kinda need a place to sleep until I can get my house back.

Candle Man: Well, he can’t stay here!

Shaduck: He can and will!

Limefong: Where would he sleep though?

Mystic: Just let him use the basement, we hardly use it anyways.

Candle Man: I don’t want him here, anyway!

Shaduck: He will stay!

Candle Man: Shaduck, come with me.

(Candle Man pulls Shaduck out of everyone else’s earshot.)

Candle Man: Why do you want this guy to live with us?

Shaduck: This guy was to me like Baghead was to you! We were friends for years upon years! Unlike you and Baghead, I didn’t see him for three years! I want to catch up with him, and help a friend out!

Candle Man: Well, that doesn’t mean he gets to move in here! Baghead was my childhood friend, yes, but he didn’t move in here just because of that!

Shaduck: Candle Man, you and Baghead lived under the same roof while you were too young to be out on your own.

Candle Man: But now, we do not. Also, I believe Moose is old enough not to move in here.

Shaduck: But he’s homeless!

Candle Man: Ugh, fine! He can stay for today, but he won’t move in here forever!

Shaduck: Thank you, Candle Man.

Candle Man: Don’t thank me. Thank the fact that I want to help homeless friends.

(They return to the group.)

Candle Man: We’ve reached a decision: Moose will stay for only 24 hours. And that’s it.

Limefong: Cool! Wait, where’ll he live after that?

Mystic: Didn’t I suggest the basement…?

Moose: Uhh, I’m not sure.

Shaduck: Moose will be staying in my room. I have an extra sleeping bag for him.

Moose: Oh, thanks, dude!

(He punches Shaduck in the arm and walks away.)

Shaduck: Ow.

Mystic: Yes, Moose! DO MORE OF THAT!

Limefong: No, don’t. I don’t want violence.

Mystic: WELL, I WANT MOOSE TO PUNCH SHADUCK HARDER THIS TIME!

Moose: (whispers, to Shaduck.) Is that girl giving you trouble?

Shaduck: Yeah. You got a plan to make her suffer?

Moose: All I need is a control panel that makes the water in the shower turn hotter or colder.

Shaduck: I can get you that.

(The next day, Mystic gets out of bed and goes into the bathroom, she undresses offscreen and goes into the shower with only her neck up showing. She turns on the shower, and begins to wash herself, when suddenly, the scene cuts to the basement, where all of the power controls and the furnace are.)

Moose: Ready to make your rival suffer?

Shaduck: Always.

(Moose grabs a dial that has a fire symbol on one side and ice on the other. Moose turns it all the way to hot.)

Mystic: (offscreen) YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(Shaduck and Moose chuckle. Moose then turns it all the way to cold.)

Mystic: (offscreen) Ah...YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! IS THIS THING BROKEN?!

(Shaduck and Moose laugh. Moose turns it all the way back to hot.)

Mystic: (offscreen) YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! OH FOR GALAXIA’S SAKE, SOMEONE CHECK WHAT THE FLIP IS GOING ON?!

Moose: Now go flush the toilet!

(Shaduck runs offscreen. A flushing sound is heard.)

Mystic: (offscreen) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!-

(Scene quickly changes to Mystic, wet with a towel covering most of her body, standing in the middle of the living room, hot water damage all over her, sears and burns and stuff. Shaduck and Moose look at her, then laugh extremely hard.)

Mystic: (demonic) Whoever thinks this is funny, it's really not!

(Moose and Shaduck laugh harder.)

Moose: We got you!

Shaduck: Best revenge play EVER!

Mystic: I’ll bring in the Mystic Stars if you really want to be punished!

Shaduck: What are they gonna do? Sparkle us to death?

(They both laugh harder.)

Shaduck: It’s funny because it’s true!

Mystic: You two better just watch yourself. I might juuuust get you back.

Shaduck: Uh, nope. Moose has a whole lot of revenge plots and ways for me to not be harmed. For example, you might wanna look in your room.

Mystic: WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?!

(She runs all the way to the room and opens the door, and...SPLAT! A pie is thrown in her face by a spring loaded pad.)

Mystic: CURSE YOU STUPID SPRING! (Licks it) Mmm...wait. THIS IS SQUIRREL POT PIE!

(Moose and Shaduck laugh uncontrollably. Scene changes to Moose and Shaduck in Shaduck’s room.)

Shaduck: Best day ever!

Moose: It’s only going to get better!

Shaduck: Wait a minute. Candle Man said you had to leave after today.

Moose: I convinced him to give us two more weeks.

Shaduck: How?

(Meanwhile, Candle Man is in his room, counting a wad of money.)

Candle Man: Two hundred bucks! Wow!

(Back to Shaduck and Moose.)

Moose: This will be the best week ever!

(Big letters on the screen say, “Monday”. Moose is at the kitchen table. His feet are on the table. Candle Man is eating eggplant cereal across from him, visibly disgusted.)

Moose: Time to clip my nails!

Candle Man: But you don’t have nails.

Moose: So?

(He pulls out a large machine that he uses to take off bits and pieces of his hooves with a large spinning blade. Parts of his hooves get into Candle Man’s cereal.)

Candle Man: EWWW! I think I lost my appetite… it’s not easy to make me lose my appetite but apparently it is to you.

(Big letters on the screen say, “Tuesday”. Limefong is watching The Grand Theft Show, when Moose comes into the room and sits next to Limefong on the couch.)

Moose: BOR-RING!

(Moose takes the remote and pushes Limefong off the couch. Moose then turns on Moose Wine and uses Limefong as a footrest.)

Limefong: Hey!

Moose: This is more entertaining.

(Big letters on the screen say, “Wednesday”. Mystic is outside and sleeping in a folding chair, a fan nearby her. Moose finds her there.)

Moose: Oh, this is too easy.

(He throws the fan elsewhere and replaces her sunblock with cream that has no sun repellent on it. Mystic takes some and rubs it on herself without looking at the cream.)

Mystic: I am not allowing my beautiful self get scorched…

(Two hours later, she wakes up, and she has baked for so long that she’s golden brown.)

Mystic: AHHHHHHH!

(Big letters on the screen say, “Thursday”. Shaduck is in his room, when Candle Man, Mystic, and Limefong walk in.)

Mystic: Moose needs to go.

Shaduck: Yeah, like I’m gonna take orders from you.

Candle Man: Shaduck, he’s very inconsiderate and mean.

Limefong: He pushed me off the couch!

Candle Man: He put hoof clippings in my cereal.

Mystic: And I was baked like a piece of bacon!

Shaduck: What does that have to do with Moose?

Mystic: He told me he did it..oh Galaxia, I swear if you mess with Luna.

Shaduck: You guys just don’t think he’s a good guy. Wait a few more days, you’ll see.

Everyone: ...Fine.

(Big letters on the screen say, “Friday”. Moose is now looking in the fridge for something to eat. He spots some eggplants and gobbles them up. He then finds a pizza in the freezer and eats that too. Then, he finds wrapped grilled cheeses and throws them away.)

Moose: You guys have some lousy food…

(Big letters on the screen say, “Saturday”. Moose, Candle Man, Limefong, and Shaduck are now playing basketball, Mystic and Luna are seen watching, but Mystic isn’t in the game due to the sunburn. Moose has the ball, and notices Shaduck’s back is turned. Moose then throws the ball at Candle Man’s face. It hits him hard and he falls over.)

Candle Man: Mph! Ah!

(Moose proceeds to do the same to Limefong. Shaduck finally turns around, and Moose passes it to him. Shaduck then scores. Mystic finally looks up at the game, but another squirrel pot pie hits her in the face.)

Mystic: Well, at least I’ve had this one before.

(An anvil then falls straight on Luna. Big letters on the screen say, “Sunday”. Shaduck and Moose are back in Shaduck’s bedroom.)

Shaduck: You were right, Moose! This was the best week ever!

Moose: Yeah, too bad it felt like it went by fast.

Shaduck: Well, at least we have another week.

(Suddenly, Candle Man, Mystic, and Limefong all burst into the room.)

Candle Man: Moose, go home, now!

Moose: But I don’t have a home to go to!

Shaduck: Candle Man, what’s going on?

Candle Man: He ate all our food!

Limefong: He hurts us!

Mystic: He keeps pranking me!

Candle Man: And you don’t wanna know what he did to Luna.

Shaduck: He isn’t doing any of that stuff to me!

Limefong: That’s because he’s your friend!

Moose: But I was just having fun!

Candle Man: Moose, leave this place, and stay out!

(Saddened, Moose gets up and pushes past everyone. Although offscreen, the door is heard opening and closing.)

Shaduck: Nice going, guys.

Limefong: He was a nightmare to live with!

Shaduck: (Teared up.) HE WOULD’VE WARMED UP TO YOU AND EVENTUALLY STOP HURTING YOU!

(Silence.)

Shaduck: Can you all just leave me alone?

(They all look at each other, then leave the room and close the door. Now over to the three.)

Limefong: I didn’t know Shaduck felt that way.

Candle Man: Moose may be a nightmare to live with, but we should help Moose to make Shaduck happy.

Mystic: I am not going to live with that guy anymore!

Limefong: Me too, but we should get Moose’s old house back in some way. Hmm… OOH! What if I get the permit Moose needs?

Candle Man: Good idea!

Limefong: I can go get the right permit for him, while you guys clean this place up and make Shaduck feel better!

Mystic: I don’t like this idea.

Limefong: It’s either this or he lives with us as long as necessary.

Mystic: Ugh...alright, fine! Go ahead.

(Scene changes to the police station, when Limefong is currently sitting and talking to 202.)

Limefong: So jeah, my friend needs a permit. Can you supply him with one?

202: Limefong, I can’t just give him a permit. He needs to have worked for it. What has he done to earn it?

Limefong: Well, let’s see.

(Limefong and 202 are joined by Moose, and are all in Moose’s house. They walk into the laboratory, where several concoctions and elements are spread out.)

Moose: I have discovered twelve new elements since I got this place, and made many potions that can help out people.

202: Hm, you seem like a great scientist, but do you still deserve a permit?

Moose: I haven’t even shown you my latest invention. Behold!

(He holds in his hand a dropper.)

202: What is that for?

Moose: This.

(He uses the dropper to drop a pick liquid onto a breadcrumb. The breadcrumb inflates and becomes…)

Moose: A donut!

202: ...Take this dang permit, you genius!

(He tosses a permit to Moose. He frames it and puts it on his wall where the fake one used to be.)

Limefong: Yay! Now all I have to do is tell Shaduck!

(Scene changes to Shaduck, who has his eyes blocked by Limefong’s paws.)

Shaduck: Okay, what is it you want to show me?

Limefong: This.

(He takes away his paws and Shaduck gawks at Moose, who is standing in front of his house.)

Moose: Welcome to my humble abode!

Shaduck: You got his house back!

Limefong: And I added his phone number to your phone.

Moose: So now we can stay in touch forever!

Shaduck: Hooray! Thanks guys!

Candle Man: It was mostly Lime. All we did was clean up both houses.

Mystic: And he thought seeing this would be cheering you up enough.

Shaduck: It did. Now we can continue to be best friends!

(Shaduck and Moose run inside the house.)

Limefong: Also, am I the only one who wants to know how many pranks Moose set up for Mystic?

Mystic: I thought I sprung all of them.

Moose: (offscreen) There are still a couple hundred out there!

Mystic: Uh oh.

(Screen blacks out as a splat sound is heard. Episode ends.)