March of the Wombles

March of the Wombles is the second chapter in the Wombles Five.

Back in London General Bulgaria showed the thing that was in the package to his troops.  “Oh!” they shouted.  “Oh!  What?” said General Bulgaria severely.  “Oh! Sir!” they shouted this time and saluted.  The Womblex started whirring and a message printed out.

“What does it say Private Shansi?” asked General Bulgaria.  “Captain Botany will arrive with the Australian company at 0600 hours sir!” she replied saluting and clicking her heels.  Private Shansi got a bit keen and clicked them again.  She just couldn’t resist a third click. Everything went blurry.  She felt like she was flying.

“Are you a good womble or a bad womble?” asked a strange yellow man.  “What?” asked Private Shansi.  A woman in a big puffy dress walked up now.  “The minions want to know if you are good womble or a bad womble!” the woman explained.  “You see you just killed the Wicked Womble of the South!” she explained further.  “I see well I am a good womble!” replied Private Shansi.  The minions started singing.

*Ding dong the wicked womble’s dead!*

*A good wom-ble fell on her head!*

*So now it might be time for bed!*

“How will I get home?” asked Shansi.  “Follow the jelly brick road!” said the minions.  “Follow the jelly brick road?” said Shansi.  “Follow the jelly brick road!  Follow the jelly brick road!” they all sang.  Shansi marched off along the wibbly wobbly brick road hoping to get home to London.  She hadn’t gotten far when she saw a scared crow.  The crow was hiding badly behind a tree.

“Excuse me crow but I need to get home to London” said Shansi.  The crow replied “You need the Lizard of Frost!”  “Where can I find the Lizard?” asked Shansi.  “Follow the jelly brick road!  We’eeeeeere off to see the Lizard!  The wonderful Lizard of Frost!  The most wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful Lizard there was!” sang the crow in reply.

The crow and Shansi wobbled along the road to the edge of a wood.  They stopped to pick nuts.  “Excuse me can you help me?” said somebody.  They looked around to see a rusty old tin pan on the floor.  There was a can of oil and basket to put the nuts into next to the pan.  Shansi oiled the pan and it slowly got up hopping on it’s handle.

“How did you end up like this?” asked Shansi.  “Well” said the pan “I was just roasting nuts minding my own business when the Wicked Womble of the West came.  She chopped off my feet, legs, hands, arms, body and head.  Leaving just my pan!  Then she let me rust in the rain!”

“You poor pan” said Shansi. “Why don’t you come with us to see the Lizard of Frost!” suggested Scared Crow.  “He is going to give me courage!” he said.  “He is going to take me home to London” said Shansi.  The Tin Pan joined them and sang and wobbled with them into the woods.

The Scared Crow was terrified.  “You know in the forest their might be liars!” he said.  “And tizer!” added Shansi.  “And pears” finished the Tin Pan.  “Liars and tizer and pears!” said the Scared Crow.  “Liars and tizer and pears!” said Shansi.  “Liars and tizer and pears!” said the Tin Pan.  “Liars and tizer and pears!” they all said together. “Liars and tizer and pears!  Liars and tizer and pears!  Liars and tizer and pears!  Liars and tizer and pears! Liars and tizer and pears!” they kept saying.

“No there is not!” said a voice.  “What?” asked Shansi.  “No liars here!” lied the man.  “Are you lying?” she asked.  “No I can’t tell the truth!” said the man.  They all headed off along the jelly brick road to reach Lizard of Frost.

Two evil eyes looked into a big glass ball.  The ball showed a small womble in military uniform marching with a crow, tin pan and a shifty looking man.  “Baron!” said a voice from behind.  “Vhat is it?” asked Baron Von Vomble testily.  “The flying wombles are ready sir!” replied the other womble who was wearing a black flying suit.

“0600 hours! Wimbledon platoon to attention!” shouted General Bulgaria.  His platoon of wombles marched out into Hyde Park and joined up with the Australian company, led by Captain Botany.  Captain Botany and Captain Tomsk eyed each other warily.  “Quick march!” shouted General Bulgaria then the massed ranks of wombles began their march on Wimbledon Common!

Mrs Peel finally woke up. She banged on Steed and Cathy’s holiday home door.  There was no answer.  She tried again.  Finally Cathy opened the door.  “I’m trying to get to sleep.” She complained.  “And this is probably the only chance I’ll get, because of Thomas and Lucy.”  Mrs Peel rolled her eyes.  “Forget about *them*!” she said.  “I do that all the time, but not in the sense you mean.” Replied Cathy.  “Alright, what do I mean then?”  “You mean leave them to starve and die and want me not to care if they do.  Even they are annoying with all that crying, I don’t want them to die.  Anyway, why are you here?”  “I just wanted to check the time, so that I knew how long I’ve been unconscious.” Cathy just knocked her out again and went back to bed, accidentally leaving the door open.  Freckles went out.  Sheba followed.  Katie followed.

Cathy and Steed woke up to crying and a telephone ringing.  Steed quickly picked up the phone.  Cathy groaned, kicked Steed and went to feed the babies.  “Hello?” said Steed.  “Hello!” replied Tara.  “What do you want?” he asked.  “A deal” replied Tara.  “I have Freckles, Sheba and Katie.  They die if you don’t comply!” said Tara in her evil voice.  “Comply to what?” asked Steed.  “You give us Cathy and marry myself and Mrs Peel.”  Tara sounded cold and cruel.  “What about Thomas and Lucy?” asked Steed.  “I DON’T CARE!” shouted Tara before cutting the call.

Cathy came back in. “I traced the call” she said. “Where did it come from?” asked Steed. “Next door to Mrs Peel’s holiday home” replied Cathy.  “You mean we are on holiday next door to Mrs Peel with Tara one apartment along?” he asked in dismay.  “I’m afraid so” replied Cathy.  “Well the first thing to do is move to another holiday home then get the dogs by breaking in tonight” Steed suggested.  They move to a new holiday home about five miles away and waited for nightfall.

Mrs Peel woke up again. She rushed to Scotland and dug very deep.  Venus emerged from the ground.  “Thank you for digging me up but tell me why?” asked Venus.  “Well I’m trying to force Johnsie to marry me and to kill Cathy but apparently we need help” replied Mrs Peel.  “We?” asked Venus.  “Tara and I, we’re going to share Johnsie!” said Mrs Peel.  “You have transport?” asked Venus.  Mrs Peel pointed to the clockwork balloon.  They set course for Southend with good supply of machetes.

Bungo had by now saved Mother and Mother had done his diet and wasn’t fat anymore.

Mother knocked on the door of Grand Steed Manor.  There was no answer.  He looked through all the windows.  There was no one inside.  Suddenly he found a note under the door.

*You will not have a queen for a bit because I am on holiday. Whoever finds this may rule London in the meantime.*

*From Queen Cathy*

“Oh!” said Mother and went in.  He walked up to the throne room and appointed himself King Mother.  As looked out of the window he saw an alarming site.  There was army of wombles marchings towards Wimbledon Common.  Quickly he called Grandma.

Nightfall soon arrived. Steed and Cathy were about to go out to get the dogs when Thomas and Lucy started crying.  “Your turn” insisted Cathy, and went away.

When she came back with the dogs she couldn’t see Thomas and Lucy anywhere.  She asked Steed where they were.  “I think I last saw them asleep in their cots.” He replied.  “That makes a change”  Cathy went up to check on them.  The door was open.  She went in the room.  The window was open.  She looked in the cots and they were empty!  “John!  Why didn’t you do anything?” she shouted down the stairs.  “About what?” said Steed, coming up.  “Are you kidding me?  You didn’t even notice that Thomas and Lucy have been kidna…”  Suddenly something very hard hit her on the head.  She fell unconscious.

She woke up in a glass cage. She saw some people chatting, but didn’t know who they were because they were facing the other way and she couldn’t hear through the glass.

She looked around and saw Freckles, Katie and Sheba.  “Oh dear they must’ve been kidnapped again while I was unconscious.” She said, then saw Thomas and Lucy.  She started trying to think of who could’ve kidnapped them.

*Well the door of the room was open so they must’ve come in through the main entrance.  But the front door was left closed.  If they remembered to close that, they would’ve remembered the close the other one. So they must have been inside the whole time.  But that can’t be right, John was the only person in there.  I suppose he did seem awfully shifty when I mentioned that they were gone.  And that hard thing… could that have been his bowler?  This is odd.  I’m actually hoping I’m wrong!  Have I ever hoped that before?  Hmm let’s see… no, I don’t think I have.  But that hard thing could’ve wiped some of my memory.*

She looked closer at the people who were chatting.  She could see that one of them was bald and was wearing a tracksuit.  “That’ll be Mrs Peel then” she said to herself.  The other one was wearing a bowler hat and suit and carrying an umbrella.  “Is that John?” said Cathy.

Another man in a hat and bowler suit joined Mrs Peel.  Another two join her.  Another three joined her.  Another four joined her.  There were now 10 men in bowler hats with umbrellas.  They turned around to look at Cathy in the glass cage.  They all looked like Roy Walker!

Venus walked in to join Mrs Peel.  “Well thank you for lending me your army of Roy Walker robots!” said Mrs Peel.  “No problem at all!  Thank YOU for helping me kill Cathy!” replied Venus.  Of course Cathy couldn’t hear any of this.  The robots walked out again but not for long. They came back pushing another glass cage with Steed and Mr Chips inside.  “Say what you see!” said Mr Chips in the glass cage.  He went weird and drew a window and sharp edged circular object.  Mr Chips cut a hole in the pretend glass.  “Cut the glass to escape?” said Steed.  “That’s right!” shouted Mr Chips.

Cathy saw all of it but the villains were too busy sniggering at how clever they were to notice. Suddenly Steed punched the glass cage and shattered it.  Mr Chips was confused.  Steed then broke Cathy’s glass cage.  “Joe?” she asked.  “That’s right!” said Steed from behind a cupboard.  He slapped gas masks on Cathy and Mr Chips then threw a bottle of Gooseberry Brandy XXL into the middle of the room.

Green gas started filling the room as Steed and Cathy grabbed the babies.  Steed whistled and the dogs followed them out.  They found themselves next a big loch.  “Scotland again?” asked Steed.  “Aye!” said a man in a kilt before started playing the pipes. “Joe?  Is he still in there?” asked Cathy.  Joe was still in there.  He had knocked out Venus and Mrs Peel but there were ten Roy Walkers to get past.