Mario Kart 8 Deluxe Switch review

Hello! The ruler of this Wikia is here! And today I'll be reviewing a game. As some of you may know, Martin Luther King Jr. Day is almost here, so it is perfectly normal to be doing a review two weeks in advance. For all the foreigners out there, it is a day that celebrates freedom in the country since the late-'60s. Today I will be reviewing Mario Kart 8!

Oh, sorry. **Mario Kart 8 Deluxe**. Because it's the deluxe package apparently. Or so Nintendo says. So now we're going to fill the Switch up with ports that sold poorly on a dead console. Better wait for Mario Kart 8 Deluxe Deluxe on the next Nintendo console.

I'm not sure if anyone has realized it, but not much has changed from the Wii U version. Oh look, it says "Deluxe" on the title screen. That must mean it's the complete version, which they couldn't afford to do so on those who already owned the first version.

Now let's take a look at some noticeable minor differences. OMG! They made an effort to create a background on the title screen. That takes some work and dedication to do. I'm honestly shocked and amazed and proud of them for taking their time in doing something so inspiring and stuff. Not really. This would probably take less than a day to create. Now onward to something much less effortless.

The menu screens still look like a fucking McDonald's automation machine. Am I looking at a game, or cashing out at Wells Fargo? The menus are still samey and nothing has changed, other than the fact that Mirror and 200cc are now available from the start. Also every unlockable character from the original are already unlocked.

I take a look at the character select screen and OMFG! What in the fuck is this? Why is every character soullessly staring at me? I'd like to meet the asshole who thought it would be a good idea to have everyone stare at you with their creepy grins and smiles. This is the creepiest thing I have ever came across; much worse than the time I saw a daddy longlegs spider give birth to thousands of offspring. The executive producer must have been on crack when he designed this game. Why can't the menu screen be anything like Mario Kart Wii's? It was less creepy and the characters weren't staring at you. Every character was staring to the left as if they were part of a mambo line. I'll forever be traumatized by this hideous map screen which is worse than those fake Creepypastas no one cares about. Fuck this game!

You may as well just add Derek Zoolander from the movie Zoolander and add his creepy ass face into each character slot and it'll be just as creepy imagining it. Disregard that, no. It actually looks prettier with his face in it. Prolly cause of my great editing skills. But still, after literally barfing at that character select screen, Nintendo added five new characters in this "Deluxe" version. King Koopa's kid, the one veteran literally no one asked for, a ghost, and two hentai characters. Oh yeah, and there's also a gold variant of a character somewhere, which is your only bragging right if you ever want to show off Gold Mario online. Speaking of which, he's actually playable for once, and isn't just a pointless character like in that shitty tennis game.

And just like in Mario Kart 7, these ripoff bastards have nothing better to do than copy the same formula of kart customization. Actually, this whole game is a ripoff because it's a port from another game, but I already made that point. Also for whatever reason, this game starts you off with Smart Steering: a pointless feature that was 60% of the game's budget, which purpose only serves you to not derail off the road. As you can see, when they should have focused on actually trying to make this a true deluxe version, by adding more characters, vehicle parts, and race & battle tracks, they chose to focus on the most pointless features that they somehow believe would attract a wide variety of audiences. Needless to say it didn't work and online is deader than a 40-year old gorilla's sperm.

You can tell that you have Smart Steering on because there will be a big ass antenna behind your kart. There's also Auto-Accelerate which lets you move automatically without having to hold the "A" button. But this is only for the noobs and the lazy who can't be bothered to hold a button for 2 minutes per race. Also in your fucken face Blue Peach!

So basically, you go around driving as Nintendo characters and as you win races you get trophies and unlock new vehicle parts that work to your advantage for stats that can benefit you in races.

I won't say much about the tracks in this game since they're pretty decent, but I can't get behind why they added the shitty Coin item. Which is the absolute worst item in the entire series. Why people hate the Thundercloud is beyond me. At least you can have fun hot potato gameplay while racing with it. This golden circular turd leaves your ass wide open only so that a red shell could come from behind and penetrate your ass. I cannot tell you how many times I've gotten the Coin item, only to get screwed in the final lap and lose all my hard work after someone passes me.

Supposedly another ***amazing*** feature in this deluxe package is that you can now hold double items and have pinkish purple drifts, which is almost the same equivalent of using a Mushroom. So now you can have double the coins while 2nd place can get double the red shells.

Oh yeah, this game finally added a true battle mode... only three fucking years late. Rather than the uninspiring dull tracks and only Balloon Battle in Mario Kart 8, in this one, you have the option of choosing between five modes in eight battle tracks. And that's all I'm going to say about this cowabunga shit mode because I'm here to tear this game apart, not praise it for its deliberate laziness.

Did I mention that you have to pay for online? You do. And for that reason, I will not be paying $240 a year just to play with a bunch of useless jerkoffs who constantly lag. Your money is going straight to the garbage if you encourage laggy online play which the developers can't be bothered to patch.

Remember when prior to the game's release, the developers did an interview where they said that blue shells are now way less uncommon? Total lie, you get at least one per fucking race and they often appear at the worst possible time, when you're gliding and then you end up falling off and get picked up by a freeloading Lakitu who takes your money away.

Look at that, what a greedy bum! He takes my money away. I wish I can take that asshole's cloud and use it to my advantage and win the race. Now that I think about it, I think I just created a brilliant idea for an item. Lakitu's Cloud: it makes you drive in the air to prevent you from getting hit by anything. But you still have to steer to not hit any walls. If this ends up reaching Nintendo's Headquarters, they better give me credit for the idea because I came up with it first.

This game also introduces the Super Horn, also known as the killer of blue shells and other items within range. You use this at the right time and you can destroy any blue shells and red shells following your path. But what's the fucking point? You're more likely to get struck by Lightning or have it stolen by a Boo than ever actually having to use it to protect yourself from a blue shell.

There are a shitload of tracks you can race on, like this track, also known as GBA Cheese Land; a land made out of cheese. But wtf, why are there Chain Chomps in this track and why are there no Mousers like in the original version? I though retro tracks were suppose to be true accurate representation of older tracks for purposes of our nostalgia?

One of my favorites is GBA Ribbon Road, which is a road based on ribbon in some toyroom. Unfortunately, some asshole had to ruin the theme by adding douchebag surfer music rather than the xylophone in the original version. This goes without saying, but the retro tracks are infinitely a million times better than any of the actual tracks created for this game.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that whenever someone picks the Dolphin Shoals track, I just want to reach through the screen and beat the fuck out of them. I can't stand this course! The roads are slippier than shit, and throughout the end, the track becomes thinner, so there's no way you can ever catch up. I want to shove a dolphin up the person's ass who designed this fucking track! Dolphin Shoals? More like Dolphin Chore. Is there possibly a worse designed track out there?

After playing this game, all I can say is fuck it. It isn't better than any of the other Mario Karts and it's very dull and uninspiring for being a port of another Mario Kart. If all the effort was put into good gameplay along with its good graphics, then it would have been a phenomenal game. But instead, it's a lazy cashgrab used as a strategic move to milk out a dead game after a disastrous previous console. I give it a 2/10 because it didn't come free for Wii U owners who own a Switch.