Picking Up the Pieces Story Arc

PICKING UP THE PIECES STORY ARC

(Extracted from Wildflowers Manga Panels #154-#240)

When Tony opens his eyes, he sees an angel. No, Tony did not die and go to that other place upstairs; it is Lexi still wearing her Halloween costume, now late into the night. Tony manages to squeak out only one word before he falls back to sleep--- "Angel". Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, an orderly tells Lexi that she has to leave the hospital room. This she does. Tony is examined by a medical professional the next day, and found to be in remarkably good condition considering the suicide attempt. Tony is then transferred to the psycho ward, and put into a private room all to himself.

The next day, Dr. Dan Bernt visits Tony and interviews him to understand why he did what he did. Tony admits to Dr. Bernt that he took two bottles of aspirin, and a bottle of sleeping pills. This so that the girl inside would die. Or at least the part of his mind that tells him that he is supposed to be a girl would die. So that I don't have to be a drag queen freak the rest of my life. Dr. Bernt tells Tony that he is going to bring in, again, the other Dr. Bernt, for psychological consoling.

At Dr. Julie Bernt's first therapy session, Tony only admits to the fact that he is so, so scared. After crying for a while, Tony is told by Dr. Bernt that he will be allowed to resume dressing himself. But when Dr. Bernt addresses her patient with the name "Tony", he becomes upset and distraught, saying that he hates that name. So which name does he wish to go by now ? Dr. Bernt suggests "Toni", and Toni agrees. But isn't Toni a girl's name ? "Yes", answers Toni. Given that, Dr. Bernt directs Toni's attention to a nearby table. On the table are two sets of clothing, the male school uniform, and the female school uniform. Toni is asked which uniform belongs to him ? Toni doesn't say. Dr. Bernt tells Toni that they both belong to him.

Toni remarks to Dr. Bernt that the girl inside was supposed to die, so that she would not want to wear the female school uniform, not even once. The girl's uniform is not his. It can never be his. Toni states that he does not want to be a girl if it means being one of those monster drag queens and obnoxious freaks, seen on the *Drag Race* program on TV. Dr. Bernt says the the correct term for what Toni's 'girl inside' happens to be is "male to female transgender person". Toni pleads with the doctor to 'fix that'. Dr. Bernt says that there is nothing to fix (\*). Transgender people are not 'broken', they only need to align their physical sex (to the degree possible) and mental / emotional attributes with their correct Gender Identity, and to acknowledge that by presenting publicly with their correct Gender Expression. And with that profound statement, Dr. Bernt ends the therapy session with Toni for today. She exits Toni's hospital room, but leaves behind the school uniforms.

The next day, Dr. Dan Bernt visits Toni. He tells Toni that the tests came back that he apparently suffered only mild toxic poisoning due to the suicide attempt. It seems that he had an unconscious and unremembered reaction to the pill overdose, and his body spontaneously vomited up most of the materials that he had swallowed, this just before he fell into the coma. That explains why vomit was found on the bedsheets at the side of his bed. Toni says that he doesn't remember anything that happened that night. Dr. Bernt also says the two Doctor Bernts have taken custody of Toni's case at this hospital, transferring responsibility and his medical treatments to themselves. He ends by saying that Toni's body is in fairly good shape for a suicide attempt; it is now Toni's mind and heart that needs medical and psychological care. Dr. Bernt then leaves. That evening, Toni takes up their practice of staring at the girl's school uniform that was left in his room.

Next day, a dark-skinned Jamaican nurse comes to Toni's room to tell him that he has visitors. Toni declines. The nurse says that Toni sorta did die, but now it is time for Toni to start life afresh with friends that love you. Toni objects, saying that no one would love a male to female transgender person. The nurse disagrees, replying that one's inside person, one's true heart condition, is what determines one's worth.

That evening, in his room, Toni is again staring at the girl's school uniform. And as always, his mind is churning away with conflicting thoughts---(Male mind and body in "regular text", Female heart and spirit in "italic text".)

Is it really okay ? That I....if I only....just try it on ? Why else would they have given it to me ? Is this a test ? A....trick of some sort ? I swear to the godz, I'm sorry. Death didn't take me. I don't know why, but death never came for me.

(Standing up, Toni holds up the jacket of the uniform and silently stares at it for a very long time. Then, oh so slowly and deliberately, Toni dresses themselves in the girl's school uniform. Toni then stares at themselves in the dark window that is like a mirror, for an equally long time.)

*Tony, is that you ?*

I don't think there ever was a 'Tony'.

*I know, because now you know.*

So now what ?

*Now you learn to love yourself. And to find.......Peace.*

Unfortunately, Toni is able to only spend less than a half hour as her correct female Gender Identity and dressed as her correct Gender Expression. An orderly, who himself has a malevolent personality, plus a vengeful attitude, comes to check on Toni. He catches Toni by surprise, with Toni at the blackened window looking at themselves. He shouts out that he read the Admittance Record correctly; a 'transvestite freak' had been admitted. Toni denies that is the case. The orderly barks out that Toni is obviously a boy wearing girl's clothes, that's all he needs to see in order to execute his judgement. Boastfully, the orderly informs Toni that the security camera in this room has been broken for months....that's all the privacy he needs for what he is about to do. Toni pleads not to be harmed, as the orderly only shoves Toni against the wall. He tells Toni that the god that he is devoted to has divinely authorized him to punish all people that he, the orderly, has determined to be evil. The orderly is bigger, taller, and stronger than Toni, especially in Toni's weakened condition. He physically and brutally assaults Toni, with Toni not even able to defend themselves. Toni is left in a bloody, crumpled heap in a corner of the room, with a chair dropped on top of them.

After a while, the Jamaican nurse comes to tell Toni that lunch is almost over, and to come to the dining room. She finds Toni in the corner of the room, bloodied and bruised, cut and mangled, with a chair on top of them. She calls for help, then helps Toni up and wraps them in a blanket. She offers words of encouragement and hope to Toni, who is barely able to even speak. Toni is taken down to the hospital's emergency room, where his wounds are treated, and he is cleaned up from all the blood and dirt stains. Both Bernt doctors are notified as to what happened, and immediately come to the hospital. The Bernts assess the situation, and talk to the Jamaican nurse, who tells them what she saw in the room. Dr. Julie Bernt then signs an order that allows her to transfer Toni out of this hospital, and into a personal care facility. Toni is then released, and helped by the Jamaican nurse to the Bernts luxury car, sitting outside in the parking lot.

The 'personal care facility' that Toni ended up at is one of the spare bedrooms at the Bernt's mansion-like private home. Once there, Dr. Julie Bernt tells Toni that they will be here for a while. Toni retorts that their proper name is (supposedly) "Tony", and asks if they are a prisoner now ? No, a guest in the house. Dr. Bernt wants to do a physical exam of Tony to see if any covert internal damage has occurred. Tony declines the offer (a big mistake!). Dr. Bernt tells Tony that he did not deserve what happened to him, and to be in such pain. Tony loudly proclaims that he 'got exactly what he deserved' ! Tony retires to the bedroom, only to sit on the floor, propped up by the wall, and tries to silently endure the pain. A couple of hours later, Julie Bernt comes into the bedroom, checking on Tony. She offers to help, but is again rebuffed by Tony, with him saying that he needed to have the "evil" beaten out of him after all. Julie wants to know why he feels that way ? Tony only replies that it is because, when he was wearing the girl's school uniform, and looking at themselves in the darkened window, he was truly at peace with himself, with calmness, righteousness, and spiritual unity in his mind and heart, and he felt truly beautiful for the first time in his life. And with that thought spoken so starkly and bluntly, Julie begins to cry. Soon, however, Julie composes herself, and tries to reason with Tony, but his is adamant about needing to be punished for wanting to be a girl and wear a girl's school uniform.

By dinnertime, Tony has collapsed, and has to be taken to a different hospital's emergency room. When Tony is stabilized, Dr. Dan Bernt tells him what is wrong with him---a broken collarbone, several bruised and cracked ribs, internal bleeding, one kidney has quit working, need I say more ? Hours later, when Tony is patched up as best as possible, Dr. Bernt takes him back home. However, due to the pain killers, Tony feels great, and wants to go out drinkin' and bar hopping ! Over the next couple of days, Lexi approaches Tony to talk to him, and try to reason with him about his gender concerns. This only produces mixed results. One night, Tony falls into a deep, dreamless sleep. Again, like when he was in a coma, he begins to unconsciously reason with himself---(Male in "normal text", Female in "Italic text')

*So....where are we now ?*

I guess where we've always been.

*Really ?*

Not.....exactly. I get it now. I mean....you....me....us ?

*Us ?*

Us. The "why" in why I would always be a princess when playing dress up so long ago. Why I would look at girls and want....not that, what other boys want from girls.....THAT.....to BE a girl. Lexi just.....she just broke down that barrier. The one that always stopped me from feeling you !

*Are we ready for that ?*

No. I'm numb with terror.

*Why ?'*

Aren't you ?

*Of course ! But I've always been here. Yet that's why you denied me for so long. So what now ?*

I ans.....We answer the hard questions. And we take the hard road.

*We ?*

There only ever was just an "us" ! I couldn't ever handle that.

*Can we really face everyone ?*

Are we sure ?

*Yes. I think that we finally are.*

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Over the next couple of weeks everyone comes to know that Tony tried to commit suicide. Each one takes the news a bit different with a whole range of emotions. Sophie actually slaps Tony in the face, hard enough to leave a red mark. "How could you do this when you have caring friends ?" The days and weeks go on and on, as Tony tries to heal physically. But is he healing mentally, emotionally, or spiritually ? Dr. Julie Bernt eventually resumes the therapy sessions with Tony. But beneficial therapy to help Tony will be a long, drawn out process, with only erratic and uncertain progress. Yet both Dr. Julie Bernt, and Lexi, have correctly discerned that Tony has made some progress in his gender dilemma. Due to the unsuccessful suicide attempt, Tony at least has quit denying and vilifying his female heart and spirit. He now will acknowledge that she exists, and has some say-so over his gender concerns, but Tony has not progressed very far from there. He has not yet done a "Coming Out" to himself authenticating the girl inside, nor does he know just what to do or how to go about transitioning from male to female. Thankfully, the Bernts have told him that they stand ready to help him at any time, he just has to develop the will and fortitude to accept help and to follow through with personal commitment.

Soon, Tony has recovered enough to begin tutoring students at school. This will bring in much needed extra cash. This work on the side will be something that Tony can handle, since his arm is in a sling, and he is not going to school now, given that he passed all the exams for the rest of the year. He does not need to return to school until the beginning of the new year's semester.

One evening, Lexi and Tony are alone. Lexi decides to offer some much needed direction to Tony concerning transitioning. He seems somewhat reluctant, but Lexi softly pushes him into an eazy chair, and tells him to pay attention, he can't keep hiding from the truth about transitioning. Lexi goes on to outline what a typical transition from male to female would involve---

"Most transgender people follow a fairly similar path. For simplicity, let's use female pronouns, as this will be a male to female transition. First, she realizes who she is, or who she needs to be. This is called a "Coming Out to Yourself", acknowledging that you have a female Gender Identity, and authenticating that you are, regardless of your perceived birth sex, a female. Often, this comes after many years of denial and repression of the 'girl inside'. Next comes a cycle of coping with what you have to deal with. In other words, 'playing with the cards that destiny has dealt to you', whether good or bad cards, and learning to play fair and square.

Hopefully, she survives the ordeal so far, and she can move toward fixing her body to the extent possible given her unique situation and circumstances. To do this, the process requires several steps. The most important step is gender therapy. This may be needed to become okay with the concept of themselves as their correct Gender Identity, and getting past years of repression and masquerading as one's perceived birth sex. In therapy, additional options can be discussed for what steps to take next.

Another option to consider is hormones for facilitating a feminine look, if that is what one wants. For many trans\*people, this step is enough. Others can continue the steps leading up to Gender Corrective Surgery, if that is what one would want, so that they can have a body more in line with how they see themselves in their mind's eye. And that is the entire process 'in a nutshell'. Simple, huh ?" Tony is mesmerized, as it seems as if a lot of it 'when in one ear, and out the other'. (Later, Lexi is scolded by Julie for giving Tony gender therapy outside of his regular gender therapy sessions. But Julie acknowledges that what Lexi said is 'right on the bull's eye'.)

During the next visit Tony has with Dr. Dan Bernt, the doctor tells Tony that he has good news and bad news. The good news first---Tony is healing well from all the injuries that he sustained in the brutal attack. There will be no permanent damage to his body. The bad news---The suicide attempt has left Tony with a weakened liver and kidneys that may not be able to filter out and rid his body of everyday toxins fast enough. Therefore, Dr. Bernt is going to prescribe the drug Spironolactone as a diuretic. But the good doctor only hints at what the other benefits of Spironolactone (#) are for a transgender person. That drug will suppress testosterone, making the body less masculine, and opening up the way for the body to begin to morph into a more feminine appearance.

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Tony takes on a new tutoring student. Her name is Andrea, and she presents as an "American Style Goth" (or Canadian Style, if you please). Tony comes to her home, only to find that there are two other Goth Girls there who also want tutoring. Tony takes on all three, for triple the tutoring fee. The girls are presented with the low-down on English Literature, and Tony is presented with the low-down on the Goth Look and Lifestyle. That weekend, Andrea runs into Tony at the drug store, fawning over the makeup counter for more than a quarter hour. Andrea works at the drug store, and had a hunch that Tony was not an "ordinary guy". Andrea correctly 'reads Tony like a newspaper', and buys a ton of makeup designed to make the Goth look easy and authentic. Afterwards, Tony and Andrea go out to dinner, then to Andrea's home, where she spends time teaching Tony the basics of makeup, at least makeup that will facilitate the Goth look, and make Tony look very feminine.

Another first year college student that Tony tutors is Jamie. Jamie is a guy who needs help understanding advanced physics, and Tony wants to help him. At the end of the first session, Jamie mentions that he plays in a heavy metal band, and to reciprocate the tutoring help, invites Tony to the band's performance at a nightclub downtown on Saturday. He tells Tony that he will make sure that the bouncer of the nightclub will let Tony in (Tony is actually underage, mind you.). In a couple of days, Tony meets with Andrea to tell her that he can't be in any kind of relationship with her. Andrea sorta understands, as she was an outcast herself, until she took up Goth. To make up for the letdown, Tony invites her to go with him to the downtown nightclub to hear the metal band on Saturday. Andrea tells Tony that she will assemble a proper Goth outfit for him to wear to the nightclub.

That Saturday afternoon, Andrea and Tony go shopping at the mall for Tony's Goth outfit. Andrea may or may not know what she was doing by dressing Tony in feminine attire. The outfit finally selected for Tony was a t-shirt with a cross-hatch pattern on it, over the shirt a black leather jacket. Below, a orange and black plaid tight-fitting mini-skirt, dark pink tights, and girl's knee-high boots. Tony's second feminine outfit (the girl's school uniform was the first) in probably over a decade.

Saturday evening at the nightclub, Toni and Andrea are having a good time. This is the first time that Toni has been out in public dressed and presenting (more or less) as a teenage girl. And Toni is not worried or nervous at all ! After the band has played all of their sets, Jamie, the lead bassist, tries to 'hit upon' a cute girl in the room (actually, Toni unrecognized). Andrea breaks up the shipping by saying that the cute girl already has a girlfriend, namely her, Andrea. Toni can't legally drink alcohol, but nevertheless, someone spiked her soft drink, causing Toni to have a rather unpleasant reaction. Toni becomes giddy and unpredictable in her speech and actions. Late in the evening, Tony becomes sick, and vomits behind a video game arcade booth in the nightclub. Toni then had to be helped into a cab that would shuttle her home. A significant milestone was reached by Toni by being out in public dressed as a girl. But being smashed, then sick, was not a good way to end one's first night out as a girl.

(The End of the *Picking Up the Pieces* Story Arc)

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Click on the Into the New Year to be taken to the next story arc.

(\*) Supposedly broken, but nothing to fix

A fake medical treatment called "Conversion Therapy" says (wrongly) that transgender people are "broken", and need to be "fixed". Conversion therapy is the pseudoscientific practice of attempting to change an individual's sexual orientation [or gender identity]...using psychological, physical, or spiritual interventions. There is no reliable evidence that sexual orientation [or gender identity] can be changed, and medical institutions warn that conversion therapy practices are ineffective and potentially harmful. Medical, scientific, and government organizations in the United States and the United Kingdom have expressed concern over the validity, efficacy and ethics of conversion therapy. Various jurisdictions around the world have passed laws against conversion therapy.

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) opposes psychiatric treatment "based upon the assumption that homosexuality [or gender identity] per se is a mental disorder or based upon the a priori assumption that a patient should change his/her sexual [or gender] orientation" and describes attempts to change a person's sexual orientation by practitioners as unethical. The APA also states that the advancement of conversion therapy may cause social harm by disseminating unscientific views about sexual orientation. In 2001, United States Surgeon General David Satcher issued a report stating that "there is no valid scientific evidence that sexual orientation [or gender identity] can be changed".

Contemporary clinical techniques used in the United States have been limited to counseling, visualization, social skills training, psychoanalytic therapy, and spiritual interventions such as "prayer and group support and pressure", though there are some reports of averse treatments through unlicensed practice as late as the early 2000s. The term reparative therapy has been used as a synonym for conversion therapy in general, but it has been argued that, strictly speaking, it refers to a specific kind of therapy associated with the psychologists Elizabeth Moberly and Joseph Nicolosi. Techniques that were used in the past in the United States and Western Europe have included ice-pick lobotomies, chemical castration with hormonal treatment; averse treatments, such as "the application of electric shock to the hands and/or genitals"; "nausea-inducing drugs ... administered simultaneously with the presentation of homoerotic stimuli"; and [mental] reconditioning.

(#) Spironolactone

Transgender hormone therapy

Spironolactone is frequently used as a component of feminizing hormone therapy in transgender women, especially in the United States (where cyproterone acetate is not available), usually in addition to an estrogen. Other clinical effects include decreased male pattern body hair, the induction of breast development, feminization in general, and lack of spontaneous erections. The medication is not approved for use as an antiandrogen by the Food and Drug Administration; instead, it is used off-label for such purposes.