Timeline

## Life Before Columbus

#### 15000 BC

* Native Americans-to-be (they're probably just Asians) cross the Bering Strait from Russia to the tip of Alaska. They expand and greatly diversify across this new, hitherto unnamed landmass.

#### 1491

* The year (and years prior) most commonly associated with life before Columbus.

## Section Two : Jamestown to French and Indian War

#### 1492

* Columbus sailed the ocean blue and "discovered" America.

#### 1497

* Henry VII sends John Cabot to find a route to Asia. Instead, he lands in what is now known as Nova Scotia.

#### 1500-1600

* Spain's Golden Century or *Cinturo de Oro.* They hold a monopoly on the New World, earning massive amounts of money and power because of it. But it's not like they're actually cool for it. It's like if you joined an NFL team and were their starting QB, and you win the Super Bowl...because no one else is playing.
	+ Wars of Religion occur during this time, keeping all other European powers from converging on America.

#### 1517

* Protestant Reformation garners interest, headed by Martin Luther (not the Black guy) and John Calvin (like the underwear).

#### 1523

* Francis I steals Aztec gold, resulting in France's initial interest in America. Verrezano is sent to investigate, but the Pope disliked this notion, believing that the Non-Catholic lands were left like scraps for Portugal and Spain. (Generally, in the brightest light of history, popes are just assholes).

#### 1527

* Henry VIII, king of the staunchly Catholic Great Britain, cuts ties with the entire religion because he is not allowed to divorce his infertile wife so he can find a woman who can bear children. (I say "find," but it's more like she finds him and marries him for money.) This triggers a massive shift in the religious views and conflicts across Britain.

#### 1607

* Christopher Newport of the London Company founded Jamestown with Roanoke's failures in mind.

#### 1614

* John *Rolfe* (yes, white, but not White like the Disney Movie) marries a 12-year-old Pocahontas out of political convenience in order to keep the peace between Jamestown and the Powhatan Confederacy.

#### 1620

* Around 100 Pilgrims board the Mayflower (and the Speedwell, which didn't speed so well) and established Plymouth for the eponymously named Plymouth Company on the grounds of an old, "god-blessed" Indian village. Aided by Squanto in learning the lay of the land, becoming subsistence farmers.

#### 1622

* Opechancanough attacks Jamestown, shattering the tenuous peace between the Powhatan Nation and the Jamestown colonists.

#### 16??

* Remember what I said about the Plymouth colonists being subsistence farmers? The planting grounds in Plymouth were dogshit, and Plymouth Company couldn't profit off of it. They left the town in the colonists' care and moved on to better opportunities.

#### 1624

* New Netherland is founded between Virginia and Plymouth colonies by the Dutch under the governing of Peter Stuyvesant--a pertinent bitch, and it comes back to bite him.

#### 1630

* Massachusetts Bay is founded by the Puritans (do NOT mix them up with the Pilgrims). They escaped the more common fate of most early colonies--starving and freezing to death every winter and not knowing how to take care of themselves.

#### 1631

* Roger Williams founded Rhode Island (known colloquially as Providence) after being kicked out of Massachusetts Bay for being "too Puritan for the Puritans."
* Providence became known as the \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, where Massachusetts Bay sent all their dissenters.

#### 1632

* George Calvert obtains Maryland charter, deciding to name his colony after Henrietta Maria, but dies before the colony can be established.

#### 1634

* Maryland is founded by Caecilus Calvert for exiled Catholics. Ironically, they ended up being outnumbered by Protestants.
	+ The Act of Toleration is passed in response to this.

#### 1636

* Massachusetts Bay continues to thrive, literacy and survival rates skyrocketing.

#### 1637

* Pequot's War and invasion of Wethersfield. Over 400 natives are killed.
* Mystic River Massacre occurs.

#### 1643

* Anne Hutchinson and her unborn child are killed by Indians on the road to Providence. Her followers (adherents to Antinomialism) migrated up to what would later be known as New Hampshire.

#### 1654

* Angry Maryland Protestants repeal the Act of Toleration / Act Concerning Religion.

#### 1656

* King James II is deposed and Maryland becomes a royal colony.

#### 1664

* New Netherland is seized by the British. Stuyvesant is so vastly disliked by his people that literally no one complains.
* New Netherland becomes New York under the much more popular Duke of York.

#### 1681

* William Penn, notable Quaker, founds the Pennsylvania colony off of King Charles II's debt with his father. Masterful propaganda and land for obscenely cheap resulted in massive population growth.

#### 1750

* Relations with the natives destabilize, and while Quakers stick to their brand of oatmeal and pacifism, William Penn's son (Jr.) is not as kindhearted as his father was.

#### 1753

* Carlisle Conference occurs -- a peace delegation with the Indians...is what they called it. In reality, they took advantage of the native's addition to "firewater" or alcohol in order to control them with more ease.
* George Washington is sent to the Ohio Frontier. This initiates the Seven Years War.

## French and Indian War to Jefferson

#### 1754

* The Albany Conference occurs, resulting in the Albany Plan. Things don't go as planned.
* The *Join or Die* cartoon is created by Thomas Hutchinson and Ben Franklin.
* French and Indian War is in full swing at this point.

#### 1757

* Franklin is sent to Great Britain as a delegate. There, he will meet Penn Jr. and they will have major Beef.

#### 1763

* The French and Indian War is over. If America is a camel, and its back breaking is the American Revolution, consider this the first bale of straw to be placed upon it.
* Treaty of Paris (FAIW Version) is enacted, but the natives aren't invited to discuss the act of their land being taken away.
	+ They rebel, and King George III creates the Proclamation Line, giving the natives 85% of America and the "prime land" that the colonists were hungering for. Another bale of hay.
	+ Salutary Neglect, as much as the colonists love and adore it, is being tossed away by King George III.
	+ Pontiac's Rebellion occurs.

#### 1765

* Patrick Henry delivers the Virginia Resolves to the American Assemblies (?).

#### 1770

* Boston Massacre occurs. John Adams gets the soldiers off scot-free by using Boston's nasty, mobbish reputation against them. Conversely, Paul Revere--a silversmith at the time--creates an engraving with the opposite message in mind.

#### 1772

* The Gaspee, a British anti-smuggling ship, is burned at the waterline. Colonists don't snitch, and Britain never catches who did it despite knowing who did. Another bale of hay.

#### 1773

* Boston Tea Party occurs.
* Coercive / Intolerable Acts enacted.

#### 1774

* First Continental Congress assembles in Philadelphia.

#### 1775

* Second Continental Congress assembles.
* Battles at Lexington and Concord occurs.

#### 1776

* Declaration of Independence signed and published.