Archie

**Archie** is a character in *Wasteland 3: Battle of Steeltown*.

## Background

A refugee in the outer areas of the Steeltown complex.

* "Oh, I love this one. Everybody buys shares except the hero and the school marm, who knows from reading books that the town isn't on oil land. But nobody will listen to either of them because she's just a woman and he's a gambler."
* "Hey, we're talkin' here."
* "Oh dear."
* "Idjits."
* "Hmmff!"
* "Oooh, is it the one where the stranger with the moustache comes to town and all the townsfolk think he's the greatest, but the hero doesn't trust him?"
* "Hey, it's the cowboy show again."
* "Yep, and then the stranger strarts sellin' people shares in his oil well, which he's gonna start drillin' on the edge of town and make everybody rich."
* "And meanwhile the school marm gathers the mayor and the sheriff, and they listen as the stranger offers to cut the hero in on the scheme. But the hero says no, and the stranger's henchman shoots the hero while he jumps on his horse and rides off."
* "That's right, so the hero waits outside the hotel at midnight and pulls his guns on the stranger as he comes out with everybody's money in his saddle bags."
* "Too bad he doesn't know the hero isn't just a gambler, he's also a trick shot. So, as he falls, he shoots the henchman with one gun and the buckle on the stranger's saddle bags with the other and all the money spills out and everybody's happy!"
* "Oh, you mean the one where a girl faints at her cheerleading practice so they bring her to the doctor and she tries to run away but faints again?"
* "That's the one. And they examine her and find out she's pregnant, and she's so ashamed and everybody thinks she's a hussy and her mother cries all the time and her father reads the newspaper in an angry way."
* "Right. And then the doctor, who's the only one who listens to her, asks her what really happened, and she says she fell in love with a soldier and got married, so it's okay and she's not a hussy, but then he left for training and never came back."
* "And the doctor says, 'Wait, what's this young man's name?' And she says, 'Joe Bly' and the doctor says, 'Oh, I have a surprise for you' and it turns out that Joe didn't run away. He was hit by a car and has been in a coma in the hospital the whole time."
* "Boy, didn't we cry when the doctor took the girl into Joe's room and took his bandages off and he woke up out of his coma when she said his name."
* "Yeah, that was the best."
* "Oh, I love that show. Is this the one where the husband buys his wife some fancy underwear for her anniversary but he doesn't want her to find out so he gives it to the neighbor boy to hide in his house and his mother thinks it's for her?"
* "Yep, and she thinks it's from *her* husband, and thanks him, and he says, 'I didn't buy you any underwear. Who's buying you underwear?' And they ask the boy, and he says it was the neighbor man, and oh boy, do they get mad about that."
* "So they bust in on the first couple at dinner, shaking the underwear box in their faces. And the poor husband, now his wife is mad at him too. 'Why are you buying the neighbor lady fancy underwear?' she says."
* "And he says, 'I didn't, and I can prove it!' So, he tells the neighbor and his wife to go home and try on the underwear, and he guarantees it won't fit. And so they do and they come back all shamefaced, because it didn't fit at all."
* "So, all's well until that night when the wife tries on the underwear and it doesn't fit her either. The husband thinks he's in big trouble, but she hugs him and says, 'Silly, you never get the fit right. That's how I know you bought it for me!"
* "Is this the one where Jason is mad at Margie for what she said about Raylene at Henry's party?"
* "That's the one. And then Jason goes to David's cafe to meet Lauren and tells her about it, and she says she knows why Margie said that, but she can't tell him because she promised Mr. Berkshire, the banker, that she would keep it a secret."
* "Right, and meanwhile Margie is at the yacht club with her cousin Patrice and Patrice's mother Grace, telling her side of the story, but they're interrupted by Paul, the tennis pro, who says he knows a way Margie can get revenge on Jason."
* "At the same time, across town, Jeff, Jason's gold chain-wearing cousin, is let out of jail and met by Jackie, his girlfriend, who takes a gun out of her purse and gives it to him as the credits roll. Oh, I can't wait to find out what happens next!"
* "Seen it."
* "Oh, not this one again."
* "Next."
* "I don't like this one."
* "Is it the one where some poor guy is murdered and everbody at the station thinks it's just a robbery gone wrong, but the buddy detectives think it's more than that and nobody listens to them?"
* "Uh-huh, and then another guy gets killed and everybody at the station thinks it's just *another* robbery gone wrong, but something doesn't smell right to the buddies so they look for a connection."
* "Yeah, but before they can make it, a guy from the DA's office tells their boss to make an arrest and move on, but the buddies refuse, and the boss takes them off the case."
* "So they go to a bar with beautiful cocktail waitresses walking around and drink whiskey and talk over the evidence and they suddenly make the connection they missed before, and realize they have to act now or a witness will die!"
* "So they jump in their car and make other cars crash as they race to the witness's house, just in time to find a masked man with gloves on about to kill him, and when they pull the guy's mask off it's the mean guy from the DA's office."
* "Turns out he's running for mayor and he needs to win a big mob case, so he's making it look like the mobster is having a witness killed to silence them, and when they arrest him their boss forgives them and there's a freeze frame when they laugh."