Part One: Arden-ficial Intelligence

Arden adjusted her Slytherin tie and headed to the second-floor lavatory. She had seen a flyer in a darkened corridor, which advertised a new internship opportunity, and it had said those interested should report to the rarely-used bathroom this evening. An ambitious Slytherin who got fantastic grades—despite rarely showing up to class—Arden could not help but wish to investigate this internship offer.

She entered the bathroom, and saw a boy with his back to the door, busying himself with items she could not quite see. She saw he was redheaded, and she had just managed to discern that the tie around his collar belonged to Ravenclaw when he turned around.

“Hello there!” he chirped. He seemed quite energetic, almost twitchy. “I—I can assure you I’m not doing anything against the rules—I—I’m just—”

“I’m not here to get you in trouble,” Arden cut him off. “I’m here because a flyer told me if I came I could learn more about an internship.”

The boy brightened immediately. “Ah! Splendid! Wonderful! I’m the one who posted that flyer. I’m glad you could see it. It was charmed so that it would only be visible to those who might be interested, so that no one who wished to undermine my work would find out and report me.”

His eyes sparkled almost manically under his glasses. Arden couldn’t help but feel slightly unnerved at him. But, more than anything, she was curious. “I’ve never heard of a charm like that before.”

The Ravenclaw preened at this. “Of course you haven’t. I invented it.”

“Oh. Okay.” She was rather impressed, but didn’t love how self-important he seemed. She decided to get down to business. “I don’t think I recognize you. What’s your name?”

“Right! Yes, I spend most of my time working privately in the library, my dormitory, or empty classrooms. I don’t talk to people much. Ha! Well, I’m Thomas. Nice to meet you. And you are?”

Merlin’s beard, this guy was odd. Part of Arden didn’t want to tell Thomas her real name. But, she couldn’t expect to pursue any sort of job with him if she wouldn’t tell him such a simple thing about herself. So, she shrugged and replied, “I’m Arden.”

“Brilliant! Like the forest. Free from the confines of society, where anything can happen!”

Arden didn’t know what that meant, so she didn’t say anything.

“Anyway,” Thomas went on, “I pride myself in my magical abilities, and it has recently become a profound interest of mine to see how I might expand the bounds of magic. I want to invent new ways to use magic, new ways to implement it in this world.”

“That sounds cool, I guess. New ways how?”

“Well, for one thing, I have been frustrated at the untapped potential of enchanting humans for educational purposes.”

Arden’s eyes widened and she took an involuntary step back. “What? Dude… there’s probably a reason for that.”

“Foolish reasons,” he said dismissively. His eyebrows turned down with disdain. “Why let such rigid precedents of so-called ‘morality’ stand in the way of true progress?”

“Okay, now you’re making me uncomfortable.” Arden’s eyes flicked toward the exit, wondering how fast she’d be able to run if she needed to make a break for it. “What would you want an intern for, anyway?”

“I desire to enhance the intelligence of one lucky subject, past the realm of typical, non-magical possibility.” Thomas’s eyes began glittering again.

Despite herself, Arden felt her heart skip a beat. She stopped contemplating the exit. “Really?”

“Really. Unfortunately, the nature of the enchantment I’ve developed precludes me from casting it upon myself. However, if I had an intern—a partner, really, one who would share in my successes and reap all the benefits of my creations—then I could unleash the full scope of my new enchantment.” He eyed Arden thoughtfully. “Arden, how would you like to pass all your classes without ever having to show up?”

The thought echoed in her mind, the most tempting possible notion. “I… I sort of already do that. But my teachers get angry.”

“They couldn’t possibly get angry if you were enchanted to know everything. Arden, you’d never have to study. You’d know things without ever needing to be taught. My dear, you would be utterly omniscient.”

Arden was so amazed at the idea that she didn’t even care how Thomas had just called her “my dear”. She found herself nodding before she even knew what she was doing. “Yes. I want that. I’m in.”

Thomas smiled a Cheshire Cat smile, and motioned with his hand. “Come, stand right here. I assure you, the procedure will be quite painless.”

Arden was barely even listening. She was imagining herself as an all-knowing being. She stepped over to where he indicated, and didn’t even flinch when Thomas raised his wand and shouted a complicated incantation.

For a moment, everything felt totally fine, as though nothing at all had happened.

Then, Arden felt an almost splitting headache. She shouted in pain, and it was all she could do to grab onto the edge of one of the sinks as her knees threatened to give out.

“What—what did you do?!” she demanded, unable to keep the outrage from her voice. “Merlin’s saggy boxer-briefs!”

“It will pass,” Thomas assured her.

“You said it would be painless!”

“Well, if I said it would hurt horribly, you wouldn’t have agreed.”

Arden almost murdered him on the spot. And perhaps the world would have been better off if she had. But, a moment later, the pain subsided completely. When she opened her eyes again, the world seemed clearer than it ever had before.

“How do you feel?” asked Thomas.

“I… I don’t know….” Arden blinked multiple times, looking all around the room in amazement.

“What are the digits of pi?”

“Three point one four one five nine two six five three five eight nine seven nine three—”

“It worked!” Thomas shrieked, cutting Arden off.

She was shocked and a little freaked out at herself, for spontaneously knowing something she certainly hadn’t known a few minutes ago. But, she was even more shocked and freaked out at how Thomas suddenly burst into loud and maniacal laughter.

“Months of development,” he declared, “and it worked on my first try!”

“First try?” Arden echoed, outrage returning. “You didn’t test this spell before you used it on me?”

“Nope! That’s what you’re for! My intern—or, should I say, my A.I.?”

Arden clenched her fists and grit her teeth. “I can’t believe you. You could have killed me.”

“A small price to pay for progress, I’m sure you agree.”

“I most certainly do not agree!”

“Well, it doesn’t matter now, does it? Because you survived. And now you have all sorts of powers you never had before.”

Arden folded her arms, glaring at him. “Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Well, for one thing, you are omniscient. And second of all, you can shape-shift.”

“What? What do you mean I can—”

“Arden, glitter.”

Suddenly, Arden’s face began to tingle. She turned around to look at herself in the mirror, and saw that her face was now covered in sparkles. “What the ever-loving…”

“Arden, Christmas tree.”

Shining lights erupted around her. “Whoa, I can’t believe…”

“Arden, Nicki Min—”

“It’s fine! I get it! You can stop; I get it.”

He smiled, and stepped close to admire his work. Arden didn’t love the invasion of personal space. “So, how long does this spell last?” she asked, to diffuse the weird tension.

“I don’t know. But, indefinitely, I suppose.”

Arden spluttered, and wrenched away from him to stand farther away (exactly six feet and three inches away, her omniscient brain informed her). “What do you mean you don’t know?”

“As I said, this is my first time casting the spell.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t know more about it before casting it on me! Take it off right now.”

“I’m afraid I cannot do that.”

“Why not?!”

“Well, for one thing, I don’t know how. And, secondly, I have no desire to undo my greatest success yet.”

Arden sorely wished one of her new powers was to shoot lasers from her eyes. She’d vaporize Thomas in an instant. “If you don’t take this off me right now, I will report you to the Ministry of Magic and have you arrested.”

“Arden,” he said softly, sounding hurt. It was the first time she’d seen him so serious. It looked like every ounce of his frenzy had disappeared. “Please. You’re the first partner I’ve ever had. I’m honored that I got to share this project with you. And think of all the good we could do together. Please, don’t destroy my life’s work.”

Arden felt her anger dissipate. Thomas’s eyes glistened behind his glasses, but this time, it didn’t unnerve her. Instead, it filled her with a profound feeling of empathy. “Oh… all right, I guess. Not that you deserve it, but—”

“Oh, thank you, thank you!” he shouted, and ran toward her. She barely had time to brace herself before he was throwing his arms around her and giving her a giant hug. “I’ve never hugged anyone before,” he whispered in her ear.

*Merlin, this guy is off his rocker…* Arden thought. Still, she could not help but hug him back.

“We’ll be a great team; you’ll see,” Thomas assured her when he pulled away. His excitement from earlier was returning full force. “Together, we’ll be unstoppable.”

Part of Arden wanted to protest at the moral quandaries associated with being *unstoppable*, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to. Even though it might be problematic, she liked the idea of unchecked power. “You think so?”

“I know so. With your brains and my talent, we could do anything. Why, if we wanted to, we could take over the world!”

“Well, I have always wanted to rule the world,” Arden admitted, blushing as she thought of her ambitious childhood self.

“Merlin, you are perfect for me,” Thomas whispered in amazement. “I’m in love with you.”

Well, if that wasn’t a record scratch.

Arden froze. “You’re joking, right?”

“Of course not. You’re perfect, and I want to be with you forever.”

“…We only met, like, five minutes ago max.”

“True love knows no minimum acquaintanceship.”

Arden wanted to argue more, but she was quickly beginning to learn that Thomas had his own way of looking at the world, and contradicting him wouldn’t change his mind. Besides, she supposed it couldn’t hurt if he felt so positively toward her.

Even though she should probably feel more guilty about leading Thomas on, her main priority when weighing any decision was determining what would best benefit herself. And letting this extremely talented nerd keep including her in his schemes seemed like it would amount to a pretty solid win.

Honestly, she was beginning to see why he thought they were so good together.

“Okay,” she said finally. “I’m in.”