White Claw

White Claw just before their death

**White Claw** was an unfinished, abandoned Third Ager who "lived" from some unknowable point in the past until the twilight of the 5th age. Though relatively unknown for most of their history, they would become a being of great interest to many groups during the apocalypse.

## Theories Surrounding Birth

Other Agers are quite protective of information surrounding White Claw, becoming unusually agitated when they are mentioned. However, some researchers have been able to get some quotes surrounding them:

*"They are a profaned being - unfinished, unstable, not worthy to be called a Third Ager. Do not speak their name in these hallowed halls of Listerine, non-ascendant."*

-*Silverado, in conversation with Dendy Speedwagon*

This has led to multiple theories surrounding what White Claw is, all unprovable considering that no one knows what a Third Ager is. One theory popularized by the Followers of the Apocalypse is that the evil lord Mordred captured the soul of a Third Ager and fragmented it, creating a kind of homonculus. Another states that White Claw is a splinter of Merlin's power used to power the dead husk of a Third Ager's corpse.

## Characteristics

White Claw is a being with mottled grey-white skin and long, dark hair. Their face drives people mad when looked upon, so it is covered with a shining metal mask. They speak in an ancient tongue that no one has been able to comprehend or translate, but is intuitively understood by higher level beings. They seem to be in a constant, unbearable pain, and if given a weapon, will attempt to hurt themselves with it to no avail.

White Claw is incapable of taking action autonomously. They must be given commands by whoever holds a small artifact known as The White Claw, which is where they get their name from. They will follow these commands no matter what, but has been demonstrated to take some degree of intelligence in following them, being able to follow extremely general commands like "protect me." White Claw is also able to express apparent displeasure or dissent with regards to the tasks they are given, but no one can understand their exact wording.

## Life History

No one knows how exactly how White Claw came into being or what they were used for originally. They first appear in the historical record during the early fifth age, with Grugandan traders selling the White Claw to different people, promising a "weird person" that can do "cool tricks." People apparently seemed to use White Claw for entertainment, asking them to do flips or handstands, or beatbox in their ancient tongue. Later, a Grugandan military platoon got access to the White Claw, and they were deployed in spec ops missions against Weaboos, and later, the LKSS.

As meme science advanced and people became more aware of the importance of agers, a conflict emerged between Grugandan scientists over control of White Claw. the Followers of the Apocalypse became aware of White Claw after learning about them in Mr. Tow's class, and Dendy Speedwagon got access to the White Claw from the Richmond Government soon afterward. After much research, Speedwagon postulated the theory that White Claw's pain and unhappiness was somehow connected to the growing instability of their universe, and that by helping White Claw rejoin Captain Tappas Ascendant Realm, they could make the process of the Age Transfer go by easier. However, Dr. Charles Latta, a colleague of Speedwagon's, disagreed. He thought there was a much more lucrative route: by combining White Claw's power with ancient wizardry, Latta believed he could "move the world" back to the Third Age, ensuring the continued existence of the Last Land. Speedwagon, apalled by the unethical desires of Latta and his misguided desire to return to a "better time," expelled Latta from the followers. However, Latta stole the White Claw before he left, and told them to come with him. Latta would go on to join the Dirty Pit Kill Team and use the money from his life of crimes to fund experiments on White Claw.

White Claw died during a raid on the Grugandan Archives just before the coming of the Sixth Age. A follower of the apocalypse was dispatched to the scene by Speedwagon to recover the corpse, who reported back:

*"There was nothing to be found there but a mask, the taste of a mediocre fruit flavored hard seltzer in the air, and a voice upon the wind saying 'They are now reconciled in Wisdom, Justice, and Love.'"*