How to teach ur children no

“Mom, I really want to get this remote control helicopter. This is what I need. I’m serious!”

*I sighed, frustrated.*

My eight year old was asking me–*no, begging me*–again after doing “research” on Target and Amazon during his screen time.

*And there was a part of me that wanted to just give in. He wasn’t asking for it in a demanding way. You could just tell that he REALLY wanted that remote control helicopter.*

Really, though, I knew that I had to say no. It’s not that a helicopter was bad, it was just that I promised myself I would stop buying things for the kids “just because”.

I’m not a big spender, in fact when I buy things, I get them on sale or for a great deal. But I love new things as much as the next person, which leads me to probably buy things I don’t even need *because* they’re a cheap deal.

Because my children had observed that habit over the years, they had learned how to fill a current “need” (in their mind) by just buying something, even if it wasn’t a special occasion and they hadn’t saved for it.

## How to Say No to Your Kids a Better Way

So, I set to work on changing that particular habit of “immediate gratification”. **But now I didn’t just have myself to say “no” to, I now had to retrain my kids to accept the “no” from me.**

And it was NOT fun! I feel bad saying no, and I hate seeing my kids disappointed, especially because a lot of what they ask for is small and attainable for us.

But when I started looking beyond the momentary discomfort of denying my children things they really want, I realized that **saying no (in ANY particular area of parenting) is part of teaching character development. This recent experience got me thinking about how character training is a slow process. And it often involves learning something about ourselves along the way.**

**It’s important for our kids not only to hear the word ‘no’. but respect the ‘no’ as well.**

## The Purpose for Saying No

Part of the purpose for saying ‘no’ is because we want our kids to understand limits. Because we live in a fallen world, we’re born with a splintered understanding of love and limits.

A toddler will rebel against limits placed on him, like not letting him climb on the table at any time.

Your 7 year old will protest when you don’t let him spend hours on the iPad.

My 14 year old gets upset when I tell him to hand over his phone at night.

And that makes sense. We all feel a sense of entitlement and wanting something “right now”. It’s important to be sensitive to the fact that we’re all still working on self-limitations and immediate gratification, even as adults.

## 5 Important Things Limits Teach Our Children

**But when we set limits and say no, we are helping our kids understand:**

* That life isn’t made up of limitless “yes”. There will always be things that we can’t and shouldn’t do.
* That redirecting isn’t always the answer. Sometimes we’re told “just redirect your toddler rather than saying no.” But that will not work as they grow older {I have four kids, so I speak from painful experience! :) }
* There is a need for self-control and understanding how to place boundaries around impulses that, while they may seem like a good idea at the time, are actually going to harm us.
* That we still love them, immeasurably, even if we can’t say ‘yes’ to everything.
* That loving them is exactly WHY we say no. Hebrews says that no discipline seems pleasant at the moment, but later it yields “the peaceable fruit of righteousness”. What a beautiful truth to know that our kids gain character when they learn to press through and respect our ‘no’.

So should we say NO *all the time* so our kids “know their limits” and learn to “get in line”? Of course not! **We should still say YES quite often!**

But it is much easier as moms to take the path of least resistance. So we really do have to remind ourselves that saying no is often times what is best for our children in the long run.

Kids aren’t born with boundaries or impulse control. It takes time, but it’s up to us to help them understand what this looks like.

Dr. John Williams miller , author of the book Boundaries for Kids, says that *“boundaries are an external structure that mom and dad provide that give the child an internal structure of controlling their behavior, focusing on tasks and being kind to others.*