Blasted Heath

## Description

Thy Blasted Heath is thy noritial and derritial term for the Earth.

##### 8018 BD

This year was thy first year of time. Thy Salted Fetus created thy Heavens and thy Heath by expelling watery excrement from its left orifice. He said unto thy clearly flat plane "Thy art fags," before expelling flatulance and disappearing into the metaphysical rectumvoid.

##### 8000 BD

And thy words of thy Salted Fetus were truth -  Adam and Steve crawled from the ground. But Steve saideth "I wish to partake in no bumulations," and he beat Adam to death with a stick of salami. Steve proceeded to copulate with a tree, and thy people of thy Blasted Heath were birthed from a crag within thy tree, 10,000 strong, but unfortunately Steve fell into a deep depression, and the only way to ease his depressive pains were to eat his children, so then Steve devoured 4,356 of his offspring.
But eventually he got out of his depression, and ceased the consumption of his kids.

##### 7997

Cancerous Carl expels his anal tumour, which blasts into thy space before enrapturing the outside of existence, separating thy Heavens and thy Heath from thy metaphysical rectumvoid. This reduced thy belligerent asteroid impacts.

#### Thy rest of thy Bumulant Age

##### 5001 BD

The Nogular Genesis occurs, and the first nogs are found upon a Heath, surrounded by a ring of cytoplasm.

### THY BELLIGERENT AGE

#### 2630 BD

Thy grand pyramids of Aegypt were built by thy Playmobil™ midgets, whomst constructed them in a way so that they would spell out 'Penis', if they were flipped upside down and urinated upon. Thou would not see such a text if thou were to attempt such a feat, because thy midgets were dyslexic, and thy pyramids spell nothing. Upon one belligerent night, thy pyramids united in pure congealment, causing a beam of light to shoot from thy tips of thy structures, causing thy heavenly Egg to collide with thy Heath, upon Chicxulub, Mexico, causing thy other life forms other than humans to appear, including thy dinosaurs, and thy Noritial Parentage.

### THY DERRITIAL AGE

#### Early

##### 0 DD

Thy Derrick Hashslinging was borneth upon thy day of January 1st, 0 BD.

##### 20 DD

After a life of bullshit and shit-consumption, Derrick Hashslinging is rite fucked up. He is resurrected three days later.

##### 1309 DD

Thy betrayal of Bigtoes and Liltoes occured. Thy Derrick Hashsling told thy Liltoes to fight 'for thy king', and Liltoes proceeded to decapitate thy great Bigtoes.

#### Late

##### 1401 DD

At this point in thy timeline, everyone 'just let go of thysleves', and snorted Co-Codamol off of each other's horses' bumholes.

##### 1802 DD

My Nigga Ernie Parnasus was born this year, and quickly became Derrick Hashslinging's favourite nog.

##### 1803 DD

Thy Derrick Hashslinging creates thy nog volunteers, for the good of all men.

### THY NORITIAL AGE

#### 1818 DD

Noris Kneecap hatches from his mother's kneecap, who has been alive since 2630 BD. He immidiately grows a moustache, finds a suit and bowler hat, and murders 23 people for no apparent reason.

#### 1840 DD

Derrick Hashslinging consumed vast amounts of aciduous chemicals. This led him to believe that he was a pet fish owned by thy Water People. He has been well fehooked in the head ever since this vile deedulancy occured.

#### 1844 DD

My Nigga Ernie Parnasus passes away, to Derrick Hashslinging's dismay, who attempts vigorous suicide. His butler persuades him to live after presenting Derrick a picture of some doubly-distilled peanut relish. The butler chucked thy picture into a hot bath, and Derrick instinctively followed thy sexy image and found himself dunking his head below thy waters in a futile attempt to return to thy Water People. Derrick envisioned Ernie nakedly and peacefully drifting away into thy waters, using thy fleshy arse-flaps as a method of locomotion. Derrick was finally at peace - when he woke up to his butler heftily licking him to wake him up, Derrick had him executed, and peacefully strolled upon thy Fields of Randand.

#### 1902 DD

Thy dinosaurs become vastly extinct, with only dressing gowns surviving thy demise.

### THY UNCOUTH AGE

#### 2003 DD

Thy El Megamindo is conjured up from a puddle of AIDs on the floor. He pretends that he is a duck for about 14 years, before embracing his massive head.

#### 2018 DD

Thy great nation of Hashton Upon Heath is created, a nation constantly under attack from uncouth savages who often take pleasure is disrespecting the derritial and noritial ways.

### THY FUTURE

#### 2102 DD

Thy Noris and Derrick traverse to thy Cranberry Bog to found thy Mental Mental Chicken Oriental Ornamental Church.

#### 2287 DD

Thy Derrick Hashslinging travels to post-war Boston to feck up thy bitches.