Everybody Loves Constantinos

**Everybody Loves Constantinos**is episode 82b of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on February 2, 2002.

## Synopsis

All of the school's female students fall head-over-heels for Constantinos when they discover he looks exactly like a teen model in a fashion magazine. When Constantinos has no choice but to hide from them, Joey uses this to his advantage by deciding to torment him!

## Cast

* Andrew Rannells as Edward
* Josh Peck as Eric
* Gary Sauls as Constantinos and The Animator in the Sky
* Wayne Grayson as Joey
* Edward Felker as Stanley
* Dan Green as Dallas
* Grey DeLisle as Sierra and Tamara
* Rachael Lillis as Bernadette and Mandy
* Jessica DiCicco as Lola and Kimberly
* Megan Hollingshead as Gloria
* Mike Pollock as Principal Walker

## Trivia

* Although this episode premiered in 2002, it was produced in 2001 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.
* This episode is available on the Holiday Mix-Up VHS, as well as the Season 4 Volume 2 box set.
* This was the last Edward and Eric episode to ever air on Kids' WB, on May 17, 2008. This was because it was the last day Kids' WB was on television.
* While this episode was initially promoted as a Valentine's Day special prior to its premiere, it actually has nothing to do with the aforementioned holiday in any shape or form.
* The title is based on the iconic sitcom, *Everybody Loves Raymond*.

## Transcript

(It's lunchtime at Lakeside City School. Students scramble in a long line for food)

**Joey:**(sniffs the air in happiness) Ahh. Smell that fresh expired stew!

**Stanley:**(reading the menu) "Tofu Turkey"? Who even came up with THAT?

**Eric:**Someone with very, *very*bad taste.

**Dallas:**Don't knock 'till ya'll try it.

(They get their food, and the camera cuts to a table where all of the girls are sitting at)

**Mandy:**So girls, what did you get in the mail over the week?

**Gloria:**Why, I received a pin-up! (she takes out a poster with "414 ÷ 6" written on it)

**Sierra:**I got my allowance from Daddy! (takes out a money bag with a note that reads "Don't bug me ever again. - B")

**Lola:**Carver sent me a love letter. (takes out a foul letter)

**Kimberly:**(sadly) I got a rock.

**Bernadette:**I got the latest issue of Genetic Throwback Monthly! Home of the finest of finest boys! (gasps) Look! It has Hunky McHunk.

(On the front cover, we see a photo of a handsome teenage boy...one who looks too familiar)

**Bernadette:**He's so...gorgeous!

**Tamara:**I heard his teeth are so clean, his dentist is scared of them! (hearts come out of her)

**Mandy:**Uhh, Tamara, why are there hearts coming out of your head?

**Gloria:**Those aren't hearts. Those are samples of her blood evaporating into the atmosphere.

(Mandy is shocked, but the girls resume to looking at the magazine's cover and fawning over it)

**Kimberly:**Oh, what I would give for him to be here right now...

**Sierra:**Your rock?

(Constantinos passes by, and he almost trips on his shoelace, until Bernadette helps him up before he can fall down)

**Constantinos:**Whoa! Thanks, Bernadette.

**Bernadette:**No problem, Constanti- (suddenly, she looks back at the cover, and then at Constantinos, and she loudly gasps at him)

**Kimberly:**What's wrong, Bernade- (gasps at him as well)

**Sierra:**You guys sound like a couple of- (gasps)

(The rest of the girls gasp)

**Bernadette:**HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HUNKY MCHUNK!

(They imagine Constantinos as Hunky, and they sigh out of love)

**Constantinos:**Heh, well, uhh...yeah, thanks. I don't know why you're staring at me, but the tables are a harsh mistress. They wait for no one.

(He heads off to go join the rest of The Lucky 6, but the girls teleport in front of him)

**Mandy:**Where are you going, Hunky? I mean, Constantinos.

**Sierra:**Why don't ya stick around for a while?

**Constantinos:**(anxiously) Uhh...I would love to, but my food has to come in, and then back out later on.

(They charge at him and try to make out with him. Constantinos screams, and he scrambles out)

**Constantinos:**(pets his food) It's ok, questionable "healthy" carrot sticks. Some people just don't know manners.

(At the apartment, Constantinos' clothes are beaten up, and he is dizzy)

**Constantinos:** (stars circle his head) That, was more than I asked for.

(Suddenly, he hears something inside his apartment, and he extends his eyeball [which has overly detailed veins], stretching it through the peephole)

**Bernadette:** (holding up a pillow) Look! His pillow! Where he rests his sweet, sweet head.

**Sierra:** (digging through the trash can) I found his tissue!

**Kimberly:** I got a rock. Again.

**Gloria:** (rushes in) LOOK! I found his dandruff!

(The girls scream in excitement)

**Sierra:** Give me some!

**Gloria:** Get your own.

**Sierra:** (raises her fists) I SAID GIVE ME THAT CONSTANTINOS DANDRUFF!

**Mandy:** (points at the door) LOOK! His eyeball!

**Girls:** (lovestruck) Hi, Constantinos.

**Constantinos:** (through the door) Hello...

**Gloria:** Can we *do* anything for you?

**Constantinos:** Can you put my dandruff back where you found it?

(The girls laugh)

**Mandy:** Handsome *and* hilarious.

(Camera immediately cuts to Chatterbox's HQ. The Animator in the Sky is filling up a cup of water, but then he starts looking around)

**The Animator in the Sky:** Someone called for me?

(Cut back to the cartoon world. The girls sigh out of love)

**Constantinos:** Well, uh...I should really get going now. (squeezes his eye out and stretches it back in his socket. The girls appear right behind him, and he screams upon turning around)

**Girls:** Hi, Constantinos.

(He gently walks away, but they follow him. He walks slightly faster, and they follow him at the same speed. This continues until it evolves into a full-on sprint. Constantinos pants heavily)

(Cut to Eric with Joey at the courtyard)

**Eric:** I spy, with my little eye-

**Joey:** Ya ever thought about your smaller BRAIN?!

(At that moment, he hears Constantinos getting chased by the girls, and he looks back. While he's turned around, Eric reaches into Joey's back pocket and steals his wallet)

**Joey:** Oh my god! Hey Einstein, I need you to find out why the girls are chasing Constantinos.

**Eric:** (tucks the wallet into one of his pockets) How do I do that?

**Joey:** Ya know...dig around. Ask questions. If he hides, you can help out the girls by giving away his location! They sure love a handsome man, right?

(Camera immediately cuts to The Real World again, where TAITS is stacking some papers)

**The Animator in the Sky:** Heh heh, of course they do.

(Cut back to the E&E universe)

**Joey:** (hands him an entry pass to the local soup kitchen) Here, have a walking-around pass for food.

**Eric:** That's all ya had to say! (takes off as Joey maniacally laughs)

(Camera transitions to a soup kitchen that the rest of the gang are volunteering at - even Stanley. Eric walks past a sign that reads "We Actually Don't Allow the Needy in")

**Eric:** Huh. Joey told me to follow Constantinos. But not on an empty stomach! (he walks up to the front counter) Hey, Dallas! Two macaroni specials, please.

**Dallas:** Coming right up!

**Edward:** (walks in) Hold on a second, Dallas. (grabs Eric's entry pass) An entry card, huh? Let's just check if it's genuine. (presses it against something)

**Dallas:** What's that contraption, Edward?

**Edward:** Principal Walker's nose hair trimmer.

(Cutaway to Walker's bathroom)

**Principal Walker:** Where is it, where is it, where is it, where is it, WHERE IS IT?!

(He looks at his own reflection, which we see a disturbing closeup of, and then he screams as a sound effect of a woman screaming plays. Cut back to the soup kitchen)

**Edward:** (gives Eric a tray of macaroni and cheese) Enjoy your meal, Eric!

(With the soup kitchen's activity being slow, Dallas prepares a meal for himself, but then he realizes there's no more mashed potatoes)

**Dallas:** Hey Stanley, we may need bigger mashed potatoes.

**Stanley:** You didn't have to say something so corny.

**Dallas:** (camera pans out to reveal his plate has corn on it) Yeah, I know.

**Stanley:** Refill coming right up, Your Majesty.

(He grabs a container of more mashed potatoes. However, it seems to be heavy, and he ends up dropping it on his toe. He screams in pain)

**Stanley:** SON OF AN AGE-APPROPRIATE WORD! (opens it) Ew, there's too much Constantinos in here.

**Dallas:** (reading a book) God, that sounds gross.

(Suddenly, he realizes what Stanley just said)

**Dallas:** Constantinos?! (he walks over to the container) Constantinos, why are you hiding in there?

**Constantinos:** Hiding from the girls! Sounds impossible, but you've GOT to let me stay, I beg you!

**Dallas:** Well, normally I would politely yell at you for ruining the mashed potatoes. But why?

**Constantinos:** (takes out the issue of Genetic Throwback Monthly, and he basically starts insulting himself) They think I'm some dumb, short, underweight model named Hunky McHunk!

**Edward:** Hunky McHunk?

(We hear the girls screaming in excitement)

**Constantinos:** OH COME ON!!!! (hides back in the container)

**Edward:** Come on, Constantinos, you can't hide in there forever. What will you eat?

**Constantinos:** Mashed potatoes?

**Edward:** You shouldn't possess such a harmful mindset. (lifts him up, and he and Stanley begin walking out with him) We'll help you figure out a way of this mess. Come on, Dallas.

**Dallas:** (with a container of a ketchup/mustard mix) Just a sec. Eric will really love these. (he goes to the counter) He's gone.

(Dallas leaves, and Eric is seen under a table, taking notes)

(A dialogue-free [except for screaming] montage begins. Edward is talking to the girls, and he takes out the magazine, and then Constantinos. The girls scream, and a fight cloud is seen. Once it clears, Edward is beaten up, with Constantinos nowhere to be seen)

(Edward and Constantinos are respectively disguised as a mother and an infant, with Constantinos resting in a stroller. Edward screams as the girls rapidly approach him, and he has no time to react, as Constantinos is already gone)

(Edward takes out an umbrella from his pocket, and he grabs Constantinos by the wrist, taking him into the sky with him. They smile as they float around, but then their happiness turns into fear when the girls fly by in a plane with a banner reading "MARRY US, CONSTANTINOS?". Edward takes out a poster reading "THIS ISN'T UTAH, YOU KNOW" before noticing he isn't holding onto the umbrella anymore. The duo plummets onto solid concrete)

(Eric is behind a tree that the girls are in front of. He waves to get their attention, and then he takes out a picture of Constantinos. He draws on it, giving him a mustache. The girls grin, and the camera pans over to Constantinos actually wearing a mustache - a 25 cent one. He and Edward frown before booking it. Eric smiles, and Joey is relaxing on a lawn chair, laughing hard. He wipes a tear away and gives Eric a thumbs-up)

(Edward guides Constantinos to the school's basement, and they quickly hide inside. The girls dash in, but they become confused, not knowing where he went. Suddenly, a white banner of Constantinos' face and a red downward arrow is unfolded. They don't hesitate to break the door down. Constantinos is heard faintly screaming. On the roof, Joey gives Eric another entry card)

(The camera fades to The Lucky 6's hideout)

**Edward:** Yeah, I should've thought of this hours ago. It is improbable for us to be tracked down in here.

**Constantinos:** Not without my luck we won't.

(Suddenly, we hear a girl breathing)

**Dallas:** (gasps) Here they come! (protectively grabs Constantinos)

**Constantinos:** Don't worry, it's just my deviated septum. It's not loud if I breathe through my mouth. (he does so)

(The gang looks around back and forth)

**Edward:** The coast must be clear.

(They enter the surveillance room, and they check the entrance. They see the girls screaming and crowding)

**Edward:** (nonchalantly) Must be a system error.

(He resets the cameras, and they turn back on)

**Edward:** Let's try that again.

(He resets everything again, and as expected, nothing has changed)

**Edward:** And again.

(Rinse and repeat five more times)

**Edward:** (approaching the front door; whispering) All we need are some barricades and we'll-

(Suddenly, the girls' arms rip through the walls and grab Edward. Stanley, Dallas and Constantinos scream bloody murder. Edward tries to say something, but his lips are grabbed. The rest of the gang continues screaming, albeit louder. Edward begins speaking Morse code through his tongue)

**Dallas:** Morse code?

**Stanley:** He wants us to barricade everything! FAST!!!!

(Dallas leaps in and pries Edward off of the girls' tight grips. Constantinos barricades the door frantically, but the girls try to grab him. He puts the board in a horizontal direction, but the arms continue trying to get him. He sets it vertically, only to get the same result)

(Edward produces several limbs and nails in countless barricades)

(Dallas and Stanley barricade in numerous boards at once)

(Afterwards, the boys look at their handiwork)

**Stanley:** (nonchalantly) Hey, Edward.

**Edward:** (also nonchalantly) Yes, Stanley?

**Stanley:** (you get the point) Where did the boards come from?

**Edward:** The back side.

(We see the back of the hideout completely open and unprotected)

**Dallas:** Oh boy.

(The girls emerge, and the boys literally scream their heads off, only to grow them back, still screaming loudly)

**Dallas:** Guys, wait! I may know who's exactly behind this. (he uses Stanley as a jackhammer to drill into the ground)

**Constantinos:** NO! DON'T GO!!!!!

**Dallas:** I have a plan, Constantinos. They'll serve some justice. (he salutes as he and Stanley fall into the hole)

(Edward and Constantinos hug each other and shiver in fright as they get cornered)

**Mandy:** Hi, Constantinos.

(There is a front shot of the girls cornering them, and the gang's totem pole can be seen in the background)

**Lola:** Hi, Constantinos.

(The camera zooms up to Edward's head on the totem pole)

**Edward:** (his face resembles his on the totem pole) QUICK! CONSTANTINOS! THE TOTEM POLE!!!!

(They bounce on each of the girls' heads, and the camera cuts to the courtyard, where Joey is laughing and applying a soda drinking hat)

**Joey:** I don't mean to brag, Eric, but *I* know funny, and THAT'S it! All I had to do was rat out Noodle Arms.

(Dallas and Stanley's eyeballs are seen in a tree hollow)

**Stanley:** Let's go bust that rat.

(Back in the hideout, Edward and Constantinos climb up the totem pole)

**Constantinos:** Well, Edward, I guess this is goodbye. (cries)

**Edward:** I suppose so. (tears up) I'm sorry this happened, buddy! (sobs) I'M GONNA MISS YOU!

**Constantinos:** I'LL MISS YOU TOO, EDWARD!

(Both cry hysterically, but then Constantinos starts hyperventilating)

**Edward:** (immediately stops crying as if nothing happened) Constantinos! Are you ok?

**Constantinos:** Y-yeah. (hiccups) I just need my inhaler.

**Lola:** Oh! I'll get it for you, Constantinos. (she rushes off and tosses him his inhaler)

**Constantinos:** Thank you. (breathes into it)

**Lola:** (fawns over him as hearts come out of her) You're welcome, Constantinos.

**Constantinos:** (to Edward) Do ya need anything?

**Edward:** Just some water.

**Mandy:** (throws a water bottle to his hand) Here you go.

**Constantinos:** (now optimistic) Wow! Maybe this isn't so bad.

**Edward:** Perhaps you're correct!

**Constantinos:** For once in my life, I should accept my fate!

**Edward:** Great idea!

**Constantinos:** (looks down below) ALRIGHT, GIRLS! HERE I COME!

(The girls scream in more excitement than before as he falls to them)

**Constantinos:** YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

**Tamara:** (she notices something slip under the door) Hey, what's that?

(They approach it)

**Constantinos:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- (freezes in midair) Well, that's a big pile of "uh oh, not good". (he slams into the ground)

**Kimberly:** LOOK! IT'S THE NEW ISSUE OF GENETIC THROWBACK MONTHLY!

(They rush out of the hideout and scream)

**Edward:** (slides down the totem pole in confusion) What happened?

**Constantinos:** I don't know.

(They walk up out of the hideout. Edward uses Computer via his wristwatch to move it just across the courtyard. Dallas and Stanley pop out of the tree hole)

**Edward:** Dallas? Stanley? (he smiles) So you guys slipped that magazine under the door!

**Dallas:** Yup! It's amazing what you can do with (he takes out...) tape, paper, scissors, (and finally, he takes out a live-action stock image of a muscular guy, with a photo of Joey's head taped onto the man's face; we hear a horse neighing) and a picture of Joey.

**Joey:** (from a distance as we hear the girls ganging up on him) ***NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

**Edward:** Wooooooow. Poor Joey.

**Constantinos:** Hate to be that guy.

(Eric walks up to them, with Joey's wallet)

**Eric:** Hey, who wants a fancy dinner? I'm buying.

**Edward:** Aw, that's great! I can't wait!

**Constantinos:** Whoa, yeah!

**Stanley:** That's awesome!

(The Lucky 6, except for Joey, happily walks away. We hear Joey screaming bloody murder as we also hear his clothes being torn to shreds, and the girls doing things to him that are better left unknown)

(Iris out)

("The End" screen)

(Episode ends)