I Was a Teenage Teenager

**I Was a Teenage Teenager** is episode 6b of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on October 10, 1998.

## Synopsis

Joey is (barely) not old enough to watch a horror movie, so it's up to Edward to serve as Joey's chaperone until tomorrow at 6pm, which is his birthday. Joey, however, is itching to watch the movie before that can happen.

## Cast

* Andrew Rannells as Edward, Ivan and Charles
* Wayne Grayson as Joey
* Gary Sauls as Constantinos, Mr. Goodman, Aaron and Peter
* Josh Peck as Eric
* Mike Pollock as Principal Walker
* Dan Green as Dallas and Man in Movie
* Kyle Phillips as Wayne
* John DiMaggio as Tony
* Eric Stuart as Terry, Superintendent Strict and Movie Narrator
* Edward Felker as Woman in Movie

## Trivia

* The title is a reference to the 1957 film, *I Was a Teenage Werewolf*.
* Principal Walker clinging onto a blue blanket and sucking his thumb is a reference to how Linus van Pelt from *Peanuts* almost always does the same thing.
* While Season 1's animation is well-known for being rough (with a notable example being Homeless), Sauls, in the audio commentary, said he felt that the animation for this episode was "definitely one of the roughest out of all of them". He then jokingly said it "looks like a bunch of rough sketches."
* This episode is available on The Best of Joey VHS, the Ed-or-Treat VHS and DVD, and The Complete First Season box set.
* This episode was paired up with Insomnia Insanity during the Kids' WB Sleepover Jam event.
* Even though Joey wasn't allowed to watch The Zombie-Octopus Pimple Monsters of the Itchy-Itch Lagoon despite being a teenager, Eric, who is twelve years old, was allowed to watch it without any concerns.
* Although this episode premiered in 1998, it was produced in 1997 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.
* **Credits:** Everybody watching the movie with Joey. All of them, except for Joey, scream each time something dramatic happens.

### Errors

* When Joey is about to watch the movie, he is slightly taller.
* When Dallas calls Eric "festivally challenged", Eric's lips sync to what Dallas is saying.
* After Joey opens the auditorium's doors, the keyholes disappear.

## Transcript

(The episode opens in the school's auditorium. The brothers and Constantinos are in the projection booth)

**Constantinos:** I do not like scary movies. Is this movie scary, Edward?

**Edward:** (smiling) I don't know, Constantinos. (reaches his arm out to reveal a VHS tape) But does a film called The Zombie-Octopus Pimple Monsters of the Itchy-Itch Lagoon sound scary to you?

**Constantinos:** (shivering and hiding inside of the poster for the movie) M-m-maybe just a little.

(Outside of the auditorium, there is a long line)

**Mr. Goodman:** Next in line, please.

(Joey is next to Wayne)

**Joey:** (to Wayne) My big brother says this is the best movie of the year! So, naturally, I had to buy its merchandise. (we see the following) The official glow-in-the-dark crew t-shirt, the director-issued zombie-octopus action figure, (puts on a hat resembling a brain) and some appropriate headgear!

**Wayne:** Whoa! Wait, why does your shirt's tag say it was made in China?

**Joey:** Uhhh...authenticity, I guess.

**Mr. Goodman:** (offscreen) Next in line.

**Joey:** (runs up to him with his ticket) That's me!

**Edward:** (pops out of nowhere) Hey, Joey! I thought I heard the birthday boy!

(Joey stares blankly)

**Edward:** Well, technically, it's not your birthday until tomorrow. But happy birthday!

(Edward runs off)

**Edward:** (returns) Tomorrow!

(He runs off again, only to return once more)

**Edward:** You know, the day after today!

(And again)

**Edward:** At exactly 6pm!

(This time, he leaves for good. Joey growls in anger)

**Mr. Goodman:** (whispering to Walker) Uhh, sir, we have a small situation here.

**Principal Walker:** Yeah, I know. Who put a student in charge of the projection booth?

**Mr. Goodman:** You did, but that's irrelevant. This film is rated BB, for Big Boys.

**Principal Walker:** What about it?

**Mr. Goodman:** Sir, Superintendent Strict takes this rule very seriously, and the punishment for disobeying it are...pretty severe.

(A thought bubble appears above Walker)

(In this imagination sequence, Walker is sucking on his thumb and clinging to a blue blanket, but then Strict takes it away)

**Superintendent Strict:** Gaylord, for not following the rules, you will not have your blankie anymore! ***EVER!!!!!!!!!***

(Walker gasps and pops the thought bubble away)

**Principal Walker:** Goodman, this student is banned from the movie!

**Joey:** ***WHAT?!!?***

**Mr. Goodman:** Wise decision, sir. He will have to watch something more age-appropriate.

**Principal Walker:** Yes, of course. We cannot have him watching something he's not emotionally ready for.

(Everybody in line snickers at Joey for this)

**Joey:** But I AM old enough!

**Principal Walker:** Young man- I mean, little boy, tonight you will join me in watching one of my personal favorites. (he takes out a tape) President Snuggly Cuddles Goes to Ice Cream Land!

(Joey's head explodes, and the camera cuts to Lakeside's skyline)

**Joey:** ***EDWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

(Later, we see the students in the auditorium, watching The Zombie-Octopus Pimple Monsters of the Itchy-Itch Lagoon. A zombie growls)

**Man in Movie:** You monster! Take that!

(A laser is heard zapping, and everyone screams)

**Man in Movie:** And that!

(An arm is heard snapping, and they scream again)

**Constantinos:** (covering his eyes) Please, no more pimples!

**Man in Movie:** Yes, MANY pimples!

(Constantinos uncovers his eyes, and he screams so loudly that his pupils scream as well)

(Inside of Walker's office, Walker and Joey are watching President Snuggly Cuddles Goes to Ice Cream Land)

**Movie Narrator:** (offscreen) President Snuggly Cuddles said, "A howdy-do to all the friendly neighbors in Ice Cream Land!"

**Principal Walker:** (laughs) Where do they come up with this? That's priceless! (wipes away a tear) Pass the popcorn, Javier.

**Joey:** Joey. (passes the popcorn, which Walker loudly gnaws down on)

**Principal Walker:** Oh, now this is where things get intense!

(Joey grunts, and the camera cuts to Lakeside's skyline. As nighttime is shown, it gradually transitions to morning)

(Joey yawns and stretches as he exits his dorm room. Then, he looks both ways)

**Joey:** (starts walking) Alright, today's Saturday. Nothing can ever go wrong on a Saturday. (unfortunately, he passes by Edward, who is conversing with Eric)

**Edward:** That was the best movie ever!

**Joey:** (stares at the camera) I can never catch a break, can I? (heads to the cafeteria, where everybody is talking about the movie, which he tries to ignore as he gets breakfast)

**Terry:** And-and then, that guy's arm fell off!

**Peter:** That's when you knew he was a zombie!

**Aaron:** It was quite logical.

**Tony:** I loved the scary parts, and not the not-scary parts!

**Ivan:** Yeah, me too.

(Joey gets his breakfast, and he sits by himself. Suddenly, he hears...)

**Edward:** Hey, Joey! How was your movie night?

**Joey:** (imitating Edward by copying his voice and morphing his face into his) "Durrrr, how was your movie night, Joey?" (normal voice and face) How was MY movie night?! I'll tell ya how it was! Do you WANT me to tell you how I *loathed* it?! (chugs down his orange juice before putting it back down) How I would've preferred sitting inside a cow's stomach, witnessing grass be DIGESTED?!

**Edward:** Ok, maybe later.

**Principal Walker:** (walks in with Mr. Goodman) Attention, students! To prevent another near-catastrophic mishap like last night's scandalous movie situation, little boys will be separated from the big boys for everything. This includes any off-campus activity.

**Joey:** I sure am glad today's my birthday!

**Principal Walker:** Goodman!

**Mr. Goodman:** All big boys report to the right wall, and the little boys to the left.

(They do so)

**Mr. Goodman:** Uh, Joey, can I have a quick word with you? It's about your birthday.

**Joey:** No need to give me any birthday wish! Being a big boy is enough for me. (heads to the right, until Mr. Goodman stops him)

**Mr. Goodman:** Uh, that's just it. (takes out Joey's birth certificate) According to your birth certificate, you're technically not a big boy until 6pm tonight. I'm afraid you're still a little boy.

**Joey:** (gasps) NO!!!

**Mr. Goodman:** Sorry, Joey, you'll have to report to the left. (Joey frowns and turns around) It's the school rules - no exceptions.

**Principal Walker:** You know, Goodman, I admire your fine eye for detail. (clears his throat) Ok, so it seems everybody knows who the big boys are, and who that bald midget is! (awkwardly) Uh, Joey's legally classified as a midget too, right?

**Mr. Goodman:** No, he's just five-foot-four.

**Principal Walker:** What's the difference? Anyway, all of you students - dismissed!

**Mr. Goodman:** Wait, sir, if we did this just so Joey could be supervised off-campus and on-campus, then which big boy should serve as his chaperone?

**Principal Walker:** Why must you always focus on the details?! Alright, I need one chaperone! (whispering to Goodman) Who should it be?

**Mr. Goodman:** How about Edward, sir?

**Principal Walker:** Ok. EDWARD! REPORT TO ME IMMEDIATE-

(Edward stretches his hand in front of Walker's glasses)

**Principal Walker:** -ly.

**Edward:** (salutes) Edward Poindexter Pearson, reporting to you as immediately as possible, Principal Walker!

**Principal Walker:** You'll be Joey's chaperone.

**Edward:** One chaperone coming up! (runs over to Joey, grinning)

**Joey:** Why do you have that big, dumb grin on your ugly, freckled face?

**Edward:** You must be so happy for having one more glorious day of Little Boy status! And after today, you'll never get to be a little boy again. (takes out a list so long it surrounds the entire cafeteria) So to make the most of it, I made a list of all the most amazing little boy activities!

(He takes off, and grabs Joey by the collar, who refuses to leave)

**Edward:** Come on, we're wasting valuable time!

(Joey gets dragged away, and the camera transitions to Lakeside Lake, which starts a montage of Edward and Joey having "fun". A lot of people are having fun swimming)

**Joey:** You call *this* an "amazing activity"?

(The camera pans out to reveal him in a kiddy pool)

**Joey:** I feel ridiculous.

**Edward:** But you look so adorable! Just like any little boy should. Now put on your floatie, you don't wanna drown.

**Joey:** I'm not gonna drown in some stupid kiddy pool where-

(At that moment, he sinks into the water and screams for help. Edward pulls him out)

(Next, Edward is hula-hooping, while Joey simply has his arms crossed)

**Edward:** Come on! Move those hips, Joey! You'll get the hang of it! See? (puts the hula hoop on his neck) Look at this! Pretty nifty, huh? Are we having fun? Are we having fun? We gotta be having fun!

(Then, they stack blocks together)

**Edward:** (spells out "I LOVE LAKESIDE CITY SCHOOL" with blocks) Block time!

(Joey spells out "I HATE YOU EDWARD")

**Edward:** (next, he's dressed as a pirate, and Joey is the captain) Pirate time!

(And next, they're painting)

**Edward:** (painting the Mona Lisa) Paint time!

(Joey paints a portrait of him strangling Edward)

(Next, Edward puts a record on a record player)

**Edward:** Sing along time! (*Old MacDonald had a Farm* starts playing) Old MacDonald had a farm! E-I-E-I-O! (Joey is spinning around in a cradle, and he gets dizzy, but then he crashes into a bookshelf) C'mon, Joey, stop goofing off and sing along!

(Joey, who's now in a body cast, gets dragged in a cradle)

**Edward:** Walk time!

(Next, Joey gets fed baby food)

**Edward:** Choo-choo time!

(Last but not least, Edward stacks a pile of stuffed animals onto Joey, who's in a crib)

**Edward:** Snuggle time!

(Joey gets so angry that he screams and causes all of the stuffed animals to explode)

**Joey:** ***THAT DOES IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MORE SNUGGLE TIME, NO MORE SWING TIME, NO MORE BABY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S BIG BOY TIME NOW, BABY, AND I DEMAND TO BE TREATED AS SUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

**Edward:** (explains the following as Joey pants heavily in frustration) Joey, you have to understand that the determining factor of you becoming a big boy is out of your control. In one hour, at precisely 6pm tonight, the celestial planets will align perfectly so that your being can change!

(The planets are seen aligning before fading back to Edward)

**Edward:** Why, I remember when it happened to me.

(Fade to a flashback of the brothers as babies. Edward babbles incoherently before being zapped by a gigantic laser, and he instantly grows into his present self)

**Edward:** But the hypotenuse should never be equal to its obtuse angle, unless the square root is equal to pi. Or, in simpler terms, if it's equal to 3.14159265359.

(Baby Eric babbles and falls onto his stomach)

(Flashback ends; fade back to the present)

**Edward:** Now do you understand?

**Joey:** I understand that I want to punch you more than ever now.

**Edward:** (his wristwatch beeps, and he looks at it) Oh! I need to spend the remaining time to finish up your last activity. (carries Joey to a baby rocker) I'll only be gone for a few minutes. You sit here, (gives him a blue teddy bear) and Fluffy Wuffy will keep you company until I return.

(Edward leaves, and Joey slides out of the rocker. He also slides out of the boys' dorm)

**Joey:** Time for my own activity. (sneaks to the door of the school's auditorium)

(Joey realizes that the door is locked, but that's when he turns his finger into a key. He unlocks it, and he enters the auditorium. He closes the door and tiptoes to the projection booth)

**Joey:** (goes through the VHS tapes) Big Boy...Big Boy...Big Boy... (gasps) The Zombie-Octopus Pimple Monsters of the Itchy-Itch Lagoon! (kisses the tape)

(Cut to the cafeteria, where the students are decorating for Joey's birthday party)

**Edward:** Ok, everyone, on your toes! Constantinos, you sample the chips and dip.

**Constantinos:** Does it matter which order? Uhh...ok, there's the dip, and the dip- no, wait! There's the chips, and the dip.

(Eric is hanging up a gigantic clock, but he's doing it upside down)

**Edward:** Eric, six goes at the bottom.

**Eric:** (fixes his mistake) Hey, I can't help it. My eyeballs were upside down.

**Edward:** I can't wait to see the look on Joey's face! He'll be so ecstatic! I'm so proud of him for waiting so patiently.

(In the auditorium, Joey is anticipating for the movie to begin)

**Joey:** I can finally see it! No one can tell me I can't watch this now! I'm feeling older already!

(The movie starts. A monster is heard growling in the movie)

**Joey:** Ooh! Look out, fisherman! There's something in your canoe! (a gunshot and blood splattering is heard, and he gets disturbed) Uhh...watch out, that guy's head isn't attached to his... (dazed) booooddddyyyyy! (covers his eyes) Ok, put yourself together. I'm a big boy. I'm a big boy.

(He uncovers his eyes, but then he screams at what he's seeing)

**Joey:** (his eyes pop out) A PIMPLE!!! (runs back to the projection booth) Ok, I think that's enough! I proved my point!

(He tries to get the tape out of the VCR)

**Joey:** You can turn off now, you lame-

(The tape ejects, but the movie is still on, and he screams)

**Joey:** ***THE TAPE!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WON'T DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!*** (runs to the projection booth's door) I've got to get out of here!

(The door slams shut by itself, and he tries to force it open)

**Joey:** ***LET ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LITTLE BOYS AREN'T ALLOWED IN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*** (cries)

(Cut to the cafeteria, where Dallas is setting up tablecloths. Eric is donning a huge party hat that conceals his eyes)

**Eric:** Surprise!

**Dallas:** Not yet, Eric. I'll tell you when it's time.

**Eric:** Surprise!

**Dallas:** Eric!

**Eric:** Surprise?

**Dallas:** Eric, you're festivally challenged.

**Eric:** Happy Boxing Day! In Canada.

(Cut back to the projection booth. Joey repeatedly pounds on the door)

**Joey:** LET ME OOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!!!! (grabs a metal chair and slams it against the VCR nonstop) YOU. MUST. DIE!!!! ***STUPIDITY-INFESTED, LOWLIFE, CELLULOID, PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A-***

(The movie and VCR stop, but the projection screen's camera faces Joey and shines its light into his face)

**Edward:** (echoing in Joey's mind) Oh no, Joey. You are not a big boy.

(Joey melts into a puddle, and his eyes stay in midair)

**Edward:** You are cosmically insufficient. (Joey's eyes spin around the planets)

**Joey:** (his eyes drop and land on his liquefied body; weakly) I am not a big boy. (slithers out of the auditorium and groans in pain as he heads to the cafeteria) I am a small boy. A slithering small boy.

(In the cafeteria, the students are looking at the clock)

**Edward:** It's almost time! I'll go get Joey. (heads out, but then on his way out, he steps on something) Joey?

(He looks down and lifts his shoe up. Some of Joey's liquefied skin drip off of it)

**Edward:** (scoops up Joey with a bucket) Joey, it's you!

(Joey mutters in fright, traumatized at what he had watched)

**Edward:** Hey, everyone, look what I just stepped in! It's Joey!

**All:** (a noisemaker is heard, and confetti is thrown) SURPRISE!

**Dallas:** Alright, now, Eric!

**Eric:** Surpri- Wait, I don't think that's right.

(Edward spills Joey onto a chair, and Joey reforms himself back to normal, but he's still traumatized)

**Edward:** You're just in time to watch your last minute of your childhood click away!

(Once the clock hits 6pm, everybody cheers, and the camera pans up to outer space, where the sun and the planets align perfectly. They form a massive laser, and it zaps down to Earth, hitting Joey. In "gruesome" detailing, he begins morphing into a teenager, but afterwards, nothing about him physically changes. Instead of being traumatized, however, he's now dazed)

**Edward:** (shakes Joey's arm so hard that it snaps off) Congratulations, Joey! You're a big boy now! And to mark the occasion, we have a surprise for you!

(Wayne and Charles pop out from the giant cake with a film camera)

**Both:** Ta-da!

(As soon as Joey notices the camera, his pupils grow big, and he shivers in terror)

**Edward:** It's your first big boy movie: The Zombie-Octopus Pimple Monsters of the Itchy-Itch Lagoon!

**Joey:** (crying) NO! PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THAT! SHOW ME PRESIDENT SNUGGLY CUDDLES INSTEAD!!!!

**Principal Walker:** (enters the cafeteria with Mr. Goodman, carrying his blanket) Hey, what's all the racket? What's going on? (sucks on his thumb)

**Edward:** Don't worry, Principal Walker. It's Joey's birthday, so we were going to watch a movie with him.

**Principal Walker:** Perfect! That's what I was looking for so I can spend time with my widdle blankie. (sucks his thumb as he clings onto it) Let's get this rolling! (goes to sit down)

(Edward sets up the camera and takes out a TV mounted on a cart. He inserts the tape into the VCR, and the movie begins on the projection screen once the lights dim)

(In the movie, a zombie is heard growling. Joey has his eyes shut, and he whines, but then he slowly opens one eye, followed by his other eye. His terrified expression gradually turns into a smile)

**Joey:** Hey! I'm watching it! I'm really watching it! I'm not scared anymore!

**Man in Movie:** Allow me to say hello to your little friend!

(A giant pimple is heard exploding, and everybody, except for Joey, screams)

**Principal Walker:** (spits out his soda) WHAT IS THIS?! THIS IS NOT PRESIDENT SNUGGLY CUDDLES! (shivers in fright) I am not ready for this! Mommy!

(Walker's entire body begins melting, except for his glasses, which stay in midair. He screams as the camera goes up to space again. This time, the sun and the planets are bouncing around like a pinball)

(Iris out)

("The End" screen)

(Episode ends)

(The credits scene begins with everybody continuing to watch the movie in the cafeteria)

**Man in Movie:** My dear Alice, are you ok?

**Woman in Movie:** Yes, honey, I'm fine.

**Man in Movie:** Wait a minute, is that a pimple on your-

(Everybody screams)

**Man in Movie:** There is another!

(They scream again)

**Man in Movie:** HUGE pimples!

**Woman in Movie:** Don't worry, it's only one.

**Man in Movie:** Hold on, this doesn't look right! One, two...

(And again)

**Woman in Movie:** Two pimples.

**Man in Movie:** (yelps) Three!

(And again)

**Woman in Movie:** That one's tiny.

**Man in Movie:** What?!

**Woman in Movie:** It's only my bad mole.

**Man in Movie:** That is *no* mole. I know a pimple when I see one!

(And again)

**Man in Movie:** And you're turning into a...ZOMBIE OCTOPUS PIMPLE MONSTER!!!!

(And again; Walker faints)

(Closing logos)