Reality Ever After Bitches

File:Shrek232.jpg
Once upon a time, a long time ago,
a king and queen had a
beautiful daughter named Fiona.
But she was possessed
by a terrible curse.
By day, a lovely princess.
By night, a hideous ogre.
Only true love's kiss
could lift her curse.
So Fiona waited in a tower,
guarded by a dragon, until the day
when her true love would arrive.
But as the days turned into years,
the King and Queen were forced
to resort to more desperate measures.
Whoa, there.
I don't know about this, Lillian.
Fairy Godmother said only true love's
kiss could break Fiona's curse.
I don't trust that woman, Harold.
This may be our last hope.
Besides, he does come
highly recommended by King Midas.
But to put our daughter's life
in the hands of this... person?
He's devious.
He's deceitful. He's, he's...
Rumpelstiltskin!
Mrs. Highness.
How do you do?
Down, Fifi. Get down!
As you can see, everything's in order.
So you'll put an end
to our daughter's curse?
And, in return, you sign the kingdom
of Far Far Away over to me.
- Lillian, this is madness!
- What choice do we have?
Fiona has been locked away
in that tower far too long.
It's not like she's getting any younger.
But to sign over our entire kingdom?
Well, if your kingdom's worth
more to you than your daughter...
Nothing is worth more to us
than our daughter.
Jump, Fifi, jump!
Just sign it and all your problems
will disappear.
Your Highness! The Princess!
She's been saved!
Who saved her?
No one would have guessed
that an ogre named Shrek,
whose roar was feared
throughout the land,
would save the beautiful Princess Fiona.
True love's kiss led to marriage
and ogre babies!
The kingdom of Far Far Away
was finally at peace.
Goody for them!
And they lived happily ever after!
Sir? You're gonna
have to pay for that.
Maybe we could make a deal
for it, little boy?
- Oh, I'm not a real boy.
- Do you want to be?
Nobody needs your deals
anymore, Grumpel Stinkypants!
I wish that ogre was never born!
Wake up, Daddy, wake up!
- Good morning.
- Good morning to you.
Better out than in.
That's my line.
Did my little Fergus make a...
...big, grownup ogre stink?!
Oh, that's diabolical!
And on your left, the lovable lug
that showed us you don't have to
change your undies
to change the world!
I wonder what Shrek's up to in there.
Get in there. Get...
Impossible to put on!
OK, the dragon goes under the bridge,
through the loop...
...and finally, into the castle.
Play date!
Then Shrek kissed the Princess.
She turned into a beautiful ogre
and they lived...
Happily...
- Ever...
- After.
Look! A shooting star!
So, what did you wish for?
That every day could be like this one.
Come here, you.
Morning, Daddy.
Morning.
Better out than in.
Did my little Fergus make a...
Cute. Real cute.
This lovable lug taught us
you don't have to change
your undies to change the world!
Play date!
Shrek! The outhouse is clogged up!
She turned into a beautiful ogre
and they lived...
- Happily...
- Ever...
After?
- Daddy, get up!
- Morning.
- Better out than in.
- This lovable lug...
- Play date!
- No!
Outhouse again!
Come on.
Undies!
Outhouse!
- Get up, get up!
- And they lived...
- Happily...
- Ever...
After.
Roar.
Nice landing, baby.
Hey! Now remember, don't eat the valet.
Happy birthday, nios!
Vamos a la fiesta!
Hey, Shrek, Shrek!
Mr. Shrek, would you
sign our pitchforks?
And our torches?
Oh, man, you used to be so fierce!
Yeah, when you were a real ogre!
A real ogre?
Shrek, it's a sing-along.
You've got to sing along!
- No, thanks.
- Please? I'll be your best friend.
Why does being your best friend entail
me doing everything I don't want to do?
Please, Felicia, not in Daddy's ear.
Excuse me, Mr. Shrek?
Could you do that
ogre roar of yours for my son?
He's a big, big fan.
Do the roar.
You know, I'd rather not.
It's my kids' birthday party.
- Do the roar.
- Honey?
Why don't you go check on the cake?
- Sure.
- And don't forget the candles.
Hold still.
Thanks for the pants, Muffin Man.
I always wanted chaps!
Yee-haw! Giddy up!
- Monsieur Shrek.
- Howdy, Shrek!
Your cake. Voil!
- What is that supposed to be?
- That's Sprinkles the Ogre!
Isn't he cute? He looks just like you.
But happy. It's a party, Shrek.
You gotta cheer up!
I'm in a great mood, actually.
- Oh, I'm gonna lick me a rainbow!
- Donkey!
As long as you're not doing anything,
how about one of those
famous Shrek roars?
- Do the roar.
- Let me set you straight, Butter Pants.
An ogre only roars when he's angry.
You don't want to see me angry, do you?
Do it.
Hold it together. Just hold it together.
Daddy, he's getting away. Do something.
Oh, good.
- What happened to the cake?
- Trust me. It's an improvement.
- You licked it!
- No.
Just because you're an ogre,
doesn't mean you have to eat like one.
Looks like you forgot the candles!
OK, just watch the cake.
I'll go get them.
Watch the cake?
- Where's the cake?!
- We ate the cake.
- Ya.
- What?
No, don't cry.
Hey! I believe you
promised my son a roar.
- Do the roar.
- Roar.
- I don't like it.
- Pigs, we need another cake.
- We ate the other cakes.
- One roar, man.
Hey, everybody!
Shrek's gonna do his famous ogre roar!
Not now, Donkey.
Pigs, are there any cupcakes?
- We ate them, too.
- They have lollipops.
No, I ate them.
- You didn't share?
- Well, you didn't share the croissants!
- Everything's gonna be OK.
- Shrek, what's going on?
- Come on, Shrek, your fans are waiting!
- Do the roar.
We need the cake!
Cake! Cake! Cake!
I love you, Daddy.
Everybody, I have found another cake!
Shrek? Are you OK?
- Unbelievable.
- Tell me about it! Those villagers...
I'm not talking about the villagers,
Shrek. I'm talking about you.
Is this really how you want
to remember the kids' first birthday?
- Oh, great. So this is all my fault?
- Yes. But you know what?
Let's talk about this
after the party, at home.
You mean that roadside
attraction we live in?
Step right up! See the dancing ogre!
Don't worry! He won't bite!
I used to be an ogre.
Now I'm just a jolly green joke!
OK, OK, maybe you're not
the ogre you used to be.
But maybe that's not such a bad thing.
I wouldn't expect you to understand.
It's not like you're a real ogre.
You spent half your life in a palace.
And the other half
locked away in a tower.
Look, all I want is for things to go
back to the way they used to be!
Back when villagers were afraid of me,
and I could take a mud bath in peace.
When I could do what I wanted,
when I wanted to do it!
Back when the world made sense!
You mean back before you
rescued me from the Dragon's Keep?
Exactly!
Shrek, you have
three beautiful children,
a wife who loves you,
friends who adore you.
You have everything.
Why is it the only person
who can't see that is you?
That's just great.
If she thinks I'm gonna
slink back there and apologize,
she's got another thing coming.
She's not the boss of me.
I'm an ogre and I'm not gonna apologize
for acting like one.
Help, please!
Someone, anyone at all, help me!
Please, help!
Please, help!
I'm stuck! Help!
Oh, please, help!
Someone, anyone! Help me!
The pain! I can see
a bright light. A tunnel!
Grandma? Is that you?
Yeah, it's me, Granny.
An ogre! Please, Mr. Ogre,
please don't eat me!
I'm not gonna eat you.
But you are an ogre... Aren't you?
Yeah, well, I... I used to be.
Look, move out or get crushed.
So you're not gonna eat me?
No, thanks. I already had a big bowl
of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
Wait up! What's your rush?
Where you going?
Nowhere.
What a coincidence!
I was just heading that way myself.
But, seriously,
let me give you a ride. I insist.
Come on. It's the least I can do
after all you've done for me.
I got a hot rat cooking.
All right! Can I interest you
in a mudslide? Slug and tonic?
A liquid libation
to ease that frustration?
- Eyeball-tini?
- Well, maybe just one.
So the centaur says,
"That's not the half I'm talking about. "
I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you.
To live the life of an ogre...
no worries, no responsibilities.
You are free to pillage
and terrorize as you please.
- Free? That's a laugh.
- Oh, yeah?
Sometimes I wish I had just one day
to feel like a real ogre again.
Why didn't you say so?
Magical transactions are my specialty!
Great. Next to mimes,
magicians are my favourite people.
Hold on.
"King for a Month. "
"Knight for a Week. "
Ogre for a day.
Think about it, Shrek.
To be feared and hated.
You'll be, like, "Roar!"
And the villagers will be, like, "Get
away! It's Shrek! I'm so scared of him!"
It would be just like the good old days,
when your swamp was your castle.
- When the world made sense.
- All right, what's the catch?
Catch? No. There's no catch.
No catchings, really.
I mean, there's something.
Small thing. Nothing. A little thing.
All right, I knew it.
So what do you want?
- A day.
- A day.
Rat's done!
To make the magic work, you gotta
give something to get something.
In this case, you gotta
give a day to get a day. That's all.
I can't just pick up
and leave my family.
But that's the best part, Shrek!
It's a magical contract.
No one will even know you're gone.
And by the time this day is up,
you are gonna feel like a changed ogre.
Still, I don't know.
Hey, no problem.
Forget it, no big D. Doesn't matter.
Do you like white meat or dark meat?
So what day would I have to give up?
I don't know, any day.
A day from your past.
A day you had the flu?
A day you lost a pet?
A day some meddling oaf
stuck his nose where it didn't belong
destroying your business
and ruining your life?!
Just for an example.
How about the day I met Donkey?
Now, there's a day
I'd like to take back.
I don't know who that is.
I know. What about a day
you wouldn't even remember?
Like a day when you were a baby.
- An innocent, mindless little baby.
- Take any of those days you want.
- Take them all for all I care.
- Oh, just one will do.
OK, good.
A day from your childhood it is.
I guess there's nothing wrong
with wanting a little time for myself.
Just 24 tiny little hours.
- I'm still my own ogre!
- Yeah, you is!
I never needed to ask
for anyone's permission before.
So why start now?
Go on, Shrek.
Sign it!
Go on, Shrek.
Sign it, Shrek! Sign it!
You signed it.
So, tell me. What happens now?
Have a nice day.
I think I fell on my keys.
There are 40 children in that shoe,
which is why the weasel
goes pop to this very day.
Oh, great.
As we head over the river
and through the woods...
Ogre!
Kill the ogre! Kill the ogre!
This is the part where you run away!
Sure is great to be wanted again.
Nice one.
Fiona?
Oh, no.
My home.
Fiona!
Fiona! Are you in there?!
All right, Rumpel!
This wasn't part of the deal!
Rumpel!
Ogre!
We've got another one, ladies! Get him!
Who are you?!
What are you doing in my swamp?
Looks like a troublemaker!
Spread 'em!
Nice job, ladies!
You witches are making a big mistake!
I know my rights!
You have the right to shut your mouth!
Donkey, stop with the singing, will you?
Donkey!
Donkey, where am I? What's happening?
Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song.
I'm driving,
so I'm in charge of the music.
Will you witches make up your mind?
Donkey? What's going on?
Do you know where Fiona is?
Quiet, ogre! You're gonna get me
in trouble and I need this job.
I am not going back to work
for Old MacDonald.
Tell me to E-I-E-I-O.
"E-I-E-I-No!" That's what I said.
Where are my babies?
And where's your wife, Dragon?
Look, I think you have me confused
with some other talking donkey.
I've never seen you before in my life.
Never seen me before?
Come on, Donkey!
And how do you
know my name anyway?
It's me, Shrek. Your best friend?
A donkey and an ogre friends?
That's the most
ridiculous thing I ever heard!
Can you at least tell me
where they're taking me?
To the same place they take
every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin.
- Stiltskin!
- I said quiet!
Oh, no.
It's time to crumble!
Place your bets!
Place your bets! We start tout de suite!
Yeah!
Gingy?
Gingy snap!
There's one!
Disgusting, filthy ogre!
Hideous monster!
Filthy, filthy creature!
Disgusting creature!
Move it!
Don't worry, Donkey.
I'll get us our lives back.
Yeah, right. Put a little mustard
on mine, Captain Crazy!
Mr. Stiltskin?
You got another customer.
- Wolfie!
- Yes, Mr. Stiltskin.
Bring me my business wig.
Mr. Stiltskin, please!
- OK, go.
- Please make me a real boy!
Go away! Terms are
in the details, balsa boy.
Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne!
Stiltskin!
Shrek!
There he is!
So close!
Have I been waiting for you!
Ladies, this is the guy
that made all of this possible!
So, tell me, how are you
enjoying your day?
All right, Rumpel, what's going on?
What have you done?
No, Shrek, it's not what I've done.
It's what you've done.
Thanks to you, the King and Queen
signed their kingdom over to me.
They would never do that.
They would if I promised them
all their problems would disappear.
And then they disappeared!
They would have done anything
if they thought it would
end their daughter's curse.
I ended Fiona's curse!
How could you when you never existed?
You better start making sense,
you dirty little man!
Here, let me spell it out for you!
You gave me a day from your past,
a day you couldn't even remember.
A day when you were
an innocent, mindless little baby.
You took the day I was born.
No, Shrek. You gave it to me.
Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin,
because when this day is up...
But you haven't heard the best part.
Since you were never born, once
this day comes to an end, so will you.
Where's Fiona?
Where's my family?
Silly little ogre.
You don't get it, do you?
You see, you were never born.
You never met Fiona.
Your kids don't exist.
How's that for a metaphysical paradox?
Looks like you got
exactly what you wanted!
- Happy Ogre Day!
- Rumpel!
Get him, witches!
You know what'd help morale
around here? Flip-flop Fridays.
Feet be comfortable
with the breeze on your toes.
Come on, girls!
Lock all the doors,
you worthless witches! Do it!
I'll be right back, Donkey!
I don't know you! I don't know him!
I'm glad I'm not you.
Help me! Help!
Help!
No, not my pretty ball!
Watch out!
Wolfie?
My angry wig.
Help! I've been kidnapped
by a deranged, unbalanced ogre!
Donkey! Get off of me!
Watch it with your pointy hooves!
- Just take my wallet!
- Hey!
I'm being ass-napped!
Animal cruelty! Help!
You need to calm down!
I'm your friend.
I'm not gonna hurt you, all right?
Good. I'm gonna let go...
...right... now.
Please! Eat my face last!
Send my hooves to my mama!
Donkey! You've got to trust me.
- Why should I trust you?
- Because...
Because...
OK.
Fine! Go ahead!
Run away! Who needs you?
I've never seen an ogre cry.
I'm not crying.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
I cry all the time.
Just thinking about my grandma,
or thinking about baby kittens,
or my grandma kissing a baby kitten,
or a little baby grandma kitten.
- That is so darn sad.
- I said, I'm not crying!
Take it easy, I'm only trying to help.
It's none of my business
why you're upset.
By the way, why are you upset?
I was tricked into signing something
I shouldn't have.
You signed up for one of them
time-shares, huh?
No. I signed this.
You should never sign a contract
with Rumpelstiltskin!
Yeah, I got that.
- His fine print is crafty.
- I know.
- His exit clauses are sneaky.
- Yeah, I...
- What did you say?
- I'm talking about the exit clause.
Used to be, you had to guess his name,
but now everybody knows
who Rumpelstiltskin is.
Donkey, I've read the fine print.
There's nothing
about an exit clause in here.
Well, you didn't expect him
to make it easy for you.
Here, let me show you how it's done.
I didn't spend all that time
around them witches
without picking up a few tricks.
Your tiny, little ogre brain
couldn't begin to comprehend
the complexity
of my polygonic foldability skills.
What are you doing?
Hey, I can't get my origami on
unless you back off.
Thank you. OK, here's what you
gotta do. You fold this piece here,
make this letter match up here,
bring this corner here,
and if you do it just right,
it will show you what to do. There!
"Try Lou's Bliss. "
Who's Lou?
Give me that!
"True Love's Kiss. "
You have to take me to dinner first.
"According to fairy tale law,
if not fully satisfied,
true love's kiss will render
this contract null and void. "
Donkey, you did it! Look at you!
If Fiona and I share true love's kiss,
I will get my life back!
OK! This isn't a petting zoo!
So where is this Fiona?
Well, that's just it, you see.
I don't know.
You know, when I lose something,
I always try to retrace my steps.
So... where did you leave her last?
The last time I saw her,
I told her I wished
I'd never rescued her.
- Oh, no.
- Shrek?
Shrek! Shrek, wait! Wait, Shrek!
What, are you crazy?
That's the Dragon's Keep!
They keep dragons in there!
OK, yeah, fine! Go ahead!
I'm gonna just hang back here
and find us some breakfast!
Fiona!
Oh, no.
If I didn't save Fiona...
...then who did?
This is the favour Fiona was
supposed to give me on the day we met.
It's a symbol of our love.
Now smell it!
Hey, man, get that dirty
favour out of my face!
Your nose is the only chance
I have of tracking down my wife,
so stop complaining and start smelling.
Smell it! Get it! Away you go, girl!
Do I look like a bloodhound to you?
In case you haven't noticed,
I'm a donkey, not a dog!
If I was a dog, they'd call me Dog,
not Donkey!
And another thing...
Wait a minute.
I think I got something.
- Whatever it is, it's sweet.
- Fiona.
Luscious and tasty.
Hey! That's my wife
you're talking about.
Donkey!
Yeah! Waffles!
And I thought the Waffle Fairy
was just a bedtime story.
Sticky stacks of golden,
syrupy deliciousness!
Donkey! Don't eat that!
There's a stack of freshly made waffles
in the middle of the forest.
Don't you find that
a wee bit suspicious?
Oh, you... I'm just... What are you...?
Bad Donkey! Mustn't.
I said, don't! Don't!
No! Get away from it.
You did.
Look out!
Donkey!
- Are you OK?
- I'm fine.
Donkey.
Help! Help me!
Help, Shrek! Help!
Watch your head.
Hey, it's a new guy!
Look at him, all dressed up
in his Sunday vest.
He's really tiny, isn't he?
Yeah. Fate has delivered us
a comrade-in-arms
and for that, we are thankful.
Suit him up!
- Let's go, greenie.
- Now, wait a minute!
- Hey!
- Here you go.
- Welcome to the resistance.
- Resistance?
We fight for freedom
and ogres everywhere!
I didn't know we could do that.
Help! You can't eat me! I got the mange!
- I'm poisonous! I'm all poi...
- I'll take him! This order's to go.
Hey! I haven't removed his giblets yet.
Trust me, you don't want
to eat this one.
I go down smooth,
but come out fighting!
- Let go!
- Don't make Mama mad.
Your dinner is my friend!
- Come on, guys!
- I got to get the giblets out!
- She's back.
- There she is.
Fiona!
I'm so happy I found you!
Maybe you missed orientation,
but for future reference,
personal space is very important to me.
You don't know who I am, do you?
No.
Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away.
Gather the others
and meet me in the war room.
Gretched, make sure everyone
is prepared to move out tonight.
- I need to talk to you.
- What is it?
OK, I know you don't
remember me, but...
...we're married. Hear me out.
And at the birthday party
with some pigs and a puppet,
the villagers wanted me
to sign their pitchforks,
and this boy kept saying,
"Do the roar. "
Then I punched the cakes that the
pigs ate and the next thing I knew,
my donkey fell in your waffle hole.
Right? Who's with me?
I guess I must have kicked him
harder than I thought.
Fiona, I need to...
Witches! All right, everyone,
you know the drill!
- Fiona!
- Witches! Oh, no!
- Witches! Witches!
- Come on, now.
Fiona, that's the third patrol today.
We can't hide forever.
Trust me, Brogan.
After tonight, we won't have to.
- That's your wife?
- That's my wife.
Well, I see who wears the chain mail
in your family!
Some people like to look
at the goblet as... as half empty.
Me, I like to look at it as half full.
We've gone from the bottom
to the top, ladies.
But we're not just an empire.
We're a family.
Everyone has got their cupcake?
Cupcake, cupcake? Good. Yes? Baba?
Good.
Yeah, you know, we have
put away a lot of ogres.
And so one got away.
Who cares? It's not a big deal.
It doesn't matter to me.
It's not like it's the end of the world.
Except... funny thing.
Now that I think about it,
the ogre who got away is Shrek!
And if he shares a kiss
with Fiona by sunrise,
it is the end of the world! Our world!
My empire!
But, as I was saying,
I like to look at the goblet
as half full.
Yelling makes me so parched.
Would anyone care for some water?
Wet your whistle?
A clear, crisp, delicious glass...
...of agua purificada?
Anybody's thirsty?
Nobody's thirsty? No?
Well, then does anyone care to tell me
what it's going to take
to get this ogre? You.
Faster brooms?
- No!
- Pointier hats?
- No! You!
- Maybe we could hire
a professional bounty hunter?
What a world! What a world!
You know, actually
not a bad idea. Baba!
I need a bounty hunter.
And if music doth
soothe the savage beast...
...then I think I might know
just the person!
Listen up, everyone.
Word has come from Far Far Away.
Stiltskin is leading
tonight's ogre hunt himself.
- He's never done that before.
- What? Why?
I bet that's because of us.
If that cupcake-eating clown
finally leaves the safety
of his filthy witch nest...
...he'll be vulnerable.
The plan's simple.
If they follow the usual patrol route,
they'll reach the river by midnight.
We'll be concealed along this road,
waiting for his caravan.
Once they reach the clearing,
I'll give the signal.
And then we attack!
And when the smoke clears...
Wait, what's this?
That's my chimichanga stand.
No, Cookie. We won't be needing that.
Trust me, Fiona. Y'all gonna be
really hungry after this ambush, OK?
Go and finish your little speech.
All right, as I was saying,
when the smoke clears,
Rumpelstiltskin is gone
and the chimichangas have been eaten.
Far Far Away will finally be free.
- And so will we.
- Spread the word.
We move out as soon as
Rumpel leaves the palace.
- Man, this is serious!
- Tell me about it.
How am I ever gonna
get her to kiss me before sunrise?
Actually, I was talking
about the revolution.
Revolution?
Why don't you just
tell her what you told me?
About how you're her true love and
you came from an alternate universe.
Well, while I'm at it,
why don't I tell her
that you're married
to a fire-breathing dragon
and you have little, mutant
donkey-dragon babies.
I do?!
You saw what happened.
She's gonna think I'm crazy.
I'm a daddy?
You know what?
If I got Fiona to kiss me once...
...then I can do it again.
Shrek, do my babies
have hooves or talons?
Donkey...!
Hello?
Fiona?
You should not be here, seor.
Puss?
You've gotta be kidding me.
Feed me, if you dare.
Puss, what happened to you?
You got so fa...
...fancy.
- Do I know you?
Well, where's your hat?
Where's your belt?
Your wee little boots?
Boots? For a cat? Ha!
But you're Puss in Boots.
Maybe once.
But that is a name I have outgrown.
That's not the only thing
you've outgrown.
Hey! I may have let myself go
a little since retirement,
but hanging up my sword
was the best decision of my life.
I have all the cream I can drink
and all the mice I can chase.
I'll get him later.
Puss, what have I done to you?
You've gone soft.
Well, I do get brushed twice a day.
Look, it's not too late to fix it.
All you have to do is help me
get a kiss from Fiona.
What are you doing?
Can I help you with something?
Well, I know how stressful
mounting a rebellion can be...
...rallying the troops,
planning attacks,
so I brought you a little something
to ease the tension.
A gift basket?
You're welcome.
So let's see what you got.
Heart-shaped box of slugs.
Skunk-scented candle.
- Look, this really isn't the...
- What's this? Coupons!
Let's see,
"Good for one free foot massage. "
"A mud facial!"
Oh, and here's one...
"Good for one free kiss. "
Let's cash it now.
Look, I don't know
what this is all about,
but I'm trying to run a revolution.
So unless you have
Rumpelstiltskin's head in there,
I suggest you take your gift basket,
get out of my tent
and go make yourself useful!
Wow. You're right. I am sorry.
I was just trying to be friendly.
No hard feelings?
An apologetic hug?
And a quick kiss goodbye.
Hey!
Wait! Is that mistletoe I see?
Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do
they make people feel uncomfortable?
- Where'd we find that guy?
- Could it be true?
Have the years of prim
and pampery made me soft?
Don't be silly.
Now who's a pretty kitty?
I am.
Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi.
Honk.
All right, Piggies, be gone!
Don't forget to take
her little potty box with you.
This little piggy wants to go home!
- Mr. Stiltskin! He's here.
- Nice.
Pied Piper. How was your commute?
Good.
You call this guy a bounty hunter?
What's he gonna do,
flute those ogres a lullaby?
OK, got it!
Make it stop!
All right, that's enough.
Looks like it's time to pay the piper.
Griselda, seriously,
it's time to pay the piper.
Now go get my cheque book!
Go! Move! Get out!
Things are getting
real sloppy around here!
Here, now make sure they eat up!
You can't end tyranny on
an empty stomach! Go on! Go!
Din-din!
- Come on, Donkey.
- One more time, please?
All right, but this is the last time.
Here it comes. Look at him.
I see you!
That's quite a friend you've got there.
I can see why you haven't eaten him.
Donkey! I hate to pull you away
from your adoring public,
but I'm not getting anywhere with Fiona.
- I need your help!
- Hey, everybody. Who wants dessert?
- Where'd you get these?
- Fiona's garbage.
Just another gift from some
clueless lover boy.
That's a good one, Cookie!
Anyone who knows Fiona knows
this stuff ain't gonna work on her.
Works on me.
Donkey, what am I gonna do?
It's like I don't even know her.
You in trouble, Romeo. The only thing
Fiona cares about is her cause.
- To the cause!
- To the cause!
All right!
Hello!
- Nice moves.
- What are you doing?
What does it look like?
I'm getting ready for ambush action.
Oh, yeah.
I always like to quad my lutes
and do some scrunches
before an operational... op.
This one taken?
We use that to clean the toilets.
And we use that one to clean
the thing we clean the toilets with.
I knew that.
There you go, chief.
Hey... Scott?
My name is Shrek, actually.
You're going to get yourself killed
at the ambush tonight.
I'll be fine.
I think I can take care of myself...
Well, let's see about that.
Hey! Hey... Hey!
What the...?
Fiona?
I got it.
Give me your hand.
The dragon goes under the bridge,
through the loop and finally...
Into the castle.
Wow.
OK. Good.
It seems like you can handle yourself.
- But, Fiona...
- Go get ready for the mission!
- I will, but Fiona...
- That's an order!
All right, let's get those axes
sharpened and weapons packed!
Preparation is half the battle!
Ogre! Un momento! Un momento!
Ogre, ogre, un momento!
Just give me a minute.
Look, Puss, I'm a little
pressed for time.
I am not believing
what I have just witnessed.
Back there, you and Fiona.
There was a spark...
a spark inside her heart
I thought was long extinguished.
It was as if, for one moment,
Fiona had actually found her true love!
I am her true love. I ended her curse.
You know of her curse?
By day, one way, by night another.
This shall be the norm.
Until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form.
You even know the little rhyme!
It is true! You are the one!
You must prove it to her!
- How?
- Convince her!
Go to her when she is alone
and tell her something
that only her true love would know.
Know about what?!
Whoa! That's a whole lot of kitty!
Shrek, can we keep him?
Excuse me. Coming through!
Pardon me, guys! Watch your back.
Look, Donkey,
the chimichanga cart! Quick!
ndale! After him, burro!
Donkey, vmonos!
Man, you are a cat-astrophe!
And you are ri-donkey-lous!
I'll scout ahead. Wait for my signal.
Secure your positions!
- It's quite a view from up here.
- What are you doing?!
Get back in position!
You need to know,
once and for all, who I really am.
You are going to ruin everything!
Ruin everything?
Actually, I'm gonna fix everything...
The ogres, Rumpel, your curse.
How do you know about my curse?!
OK, OK, please, Fiona...
Just hear me out.
I can explain everything.
- Where's Fiona's signal?
- What's she waiting for?
- He's going to get away!
- No, he's not.
Listen, I don't know who you are
or how you know about my curse,
but if any of these ogres
find out I'm...
- A beautiful princess?
- That is not who I am! Not anymore.
- Look, I know you're upset.
- You don't know anything about me.
I know everything about you.
I know you sing so beautifully
that birds explode.
- Big deal.
- I know that when you sign your name,
- you put a heart over the "I".
- So what?
I know that when
you see a shooting star,
you cross your fingers on both hands,
squinch up your nose
and you make a wish.
I know that you don't like the covers
wrapped around your feet,
and I know that you sleep by candlelight
because every time
you close your eyes...
...you're afraid you're gonna
wake up back in that tower.
But, most importantly, Fiona...
...I know that the reason
you turn human every day...
...is because you've
never been kissed...
...well...
...by me.
- You move fast.
- It's not me doing the moving.
- Why is this happening?!
- Love?
- No, I'm being forced to dance!
- By love!
No, I can't stop myself!
Please! Make it stop!
I can't control myself!
Yeah! Cookie's bringing
the heat out of the kitchen!
Oh, no! It's the Piper!
I can't believe I let this happen,
and it's all because of you!
- If you'd just let me kiss you!
- What? You're insane!
We must do something before
they fandango themselves into oblivion!
- What can we do?
- First, you must stop dancing!
When somebody tooties that fluty,
I got to shake my booty!
Then it's up to me!
Hurry! We must get them
away from the music!
Puss and Donkey to the rescue!
We saved the day!
Donkey... Can I borrow your tongue?
Say what?!
No. Hell...
I don't care how big your eyes get,
player, it's not going down.
All right!
Stop!
- Where are you going?
- To save my friends.
- How, by getting yourself killed?
- If that's what it takes.
Puss, say something.
- Puss?
- Let me explain.
That's how you knew so much about me.
- Fiona, wait! Kiss me.
- What?
It's the only way to save your friends.
Get out of my way.
You used to believe that a single kiss
could solve everything!
I don't understand.
This doesn't make any sense.
True love's kiss
was supposed to fix everything!
Yeah, you know,
that's what they told me, too.
True love didn't get me
out of that tower.
I did. I saved myself.
Don't you get it?
It's all just a big fairy tale.
Fiona, don't say that. It does exist!
How would you know?
Did you grow up locked away
in a dragon's keep?
Did you live all alone
in a miserable tower?
Did you cry yourself
to sleep every night,
waiting for a true love
that never came?!
But... But I'm your true love.
Then where were you
when I needed you?
Maybe you kissed her wrong?
No.
The kiss didn't work...
...because Fiona doesn't love me.
Don't despair, fellow ogres!
They can put us in cages,
but they can't cage our honour!
Shrek and Fiona are together?!
Yeah, I've heard enough of
your toot-a-lee-toots! You blew it!
Wolfie! My speech wig.
Baba! Ready my makeup.
And Piper, pull my socks up.
- Tight.
- Attention, citizens.
Please stay tuned for a message
from our tyrannical dictator!
Hello, people.
It is I, Rumpelstiltskin...
...shepherd of your dreams.
Recently, a certain somebody
has jeopardized our joyous lives.
And that somebody
is the rat-munching ogre called Shrek!
That is why I come to you,
dear citizens.
For whomever brings me this ogre,
shall receive the deal of a lifetime.
Just think of it! Total and
- complete happiness.
- Ya!
Dazzling, radiant fulfilment!
All your greatest wishes.
- Yeah!
- Your wildest dreams.
Anything you could ever want!
No strings attached!
But hurry, this is a limited time offer.
So light your torches, sharpen
your pitchforks and get your mob on!
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
Go back where you came from!
It seems that we are safe.
Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky
and torchy out there. Let's go.
What's the point?
The kiss didn't work. It's over.
Look, Shrek, I know things
might seem a little bleak right now,
but things always work themselves
out in the end, you'll see.
- I bet by this time tomorrow...
- Don't you understand?
There is no tomorrow.
There's no day after that, and there's
no day after that day after that!
My life was perfect
and I'm never going to get it back!
If your life was so perfect, why'd you
sign it away to Rumpelstiltskin?
Because I didn't know
what I had until it was gone! All right?
I didn't know what I had.
Surrender now! I'm taking you in!
Don't try to fight it, ogre!
The reward is mine!
Gingy?
- You unhand me, green devil!
- What are you doing?
Collecting my bounty!
- Bounty?
- What are you talking about, cracker?
Rumpelstiltskin promised
the deal of a lifetime
- for whoever could bring you in.
- Deal of a lifetime?
Where all your wishes come true.
Wait a minute.
- I can still fix this.
- How you gonna do that?
You know what? I'm gonna give
Rumpelstiltskin exactly what he wants.
OK, Gingy, tell me about this...
Were you going to eat that?
Not Shrek. That is not Shrek.
Also not Shrek.
That's not even an ogre,
it is a troll! Nice try.
- And that...
- Roar.
...is just sad.
And what is that supposed to be?
I'm just a frightened old man.
Don't listen to him!
These ogres are crafty!
That is your father painted green.
No, it's Shrek! Honest!
Take them away!
Can no one bring me Shrek?!
Where is he?
How hard can it be?!
I want him! I want him! I want him!
Stiltskin!
I hear you're looking for me.
All right! Finally!
Who turned him in?
Who gets the deal of a lifetime?
- I do.
- What? But...
If I'm turning myself in,
I get the deal of a lifetime.
That means you have
to give me anything I want.
No! Only true love's kiss
can break your contract!
So if you thought you were just gonna...
...in here and get your life back...
- I'm not here to get my life back.
Then what do you want?
The ogres. They are all free.
But where is Shrek?
This is not good.
I don't know.
Not much of a storybook ending.
The noble Shrek turns himself in
to save a bunch of filthy ogres.
All that matters is that they're free...
...and Fiona is safe.
I bet Fiona would be
really touched to hear that.
But, hey...
...I guess you can tell her yourself.
Fiona!
Stiltskin, we had a deal!
You agreed to free all ogres!
Oh, yeah.
But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she?
By day, one way, by night, another.
Blardy, blardy, blar.
Nobody's smart but me!
That was a really brave thing
you did, Shrek.
Thank you.
No, you were right.
I wasn't there for you.
And not just at
the Dragon's Keep, but...
...every day since.
Well...
...you're here now.
Let go of me! I have got to save Shrek!
Don't be a fool, mule!
She's right. Rumpel's palace
is locked up tighter
- than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard.
- And that cupboard wasn't guarded
by a whole bunch of
mean, ugly, nasty witches.
Hey! We can hear you!
Sorry!
We must get into the palace.
Man, Shrek and me
just busted out of that place!
But how?
The same way we're gonna bust in.
Yay! My new pretty ball!
Didn't it look bigger in the catalogue?
I guess it'll have to do.
Witches, finally, the moment
we've all been waiting for.
The main event of the evening!
I present Shrek and Fiona!
And now, to put the past
behind us once and for all,
I give you a princess's worst nightmare!
Fiona's old flame,
the keeper of the keep...
...Dragon!
- Donkey?
- And Puss!
In Boots!
Get them, get them, witches!
Incoming!
- Donkey, woo her!
- Woo who?
Your wife!
Uh-oh.
I'll call you! We're in love!
Fiona, hold on!
Hey, you!
- Chimichangas?!
- Get 'em while they're hot!
Jump!
Now!
The dragon goes under the bridge!
Through the loop!
And finally...
Into the castle!
Run!
Foo!
So long!
Come on, Fifi, go!
Go! Witches, close up the floor!
Come on, Fifi, go! Flappity flap!
Come on, go! Fly away! Up, up! Go!
Fifi, no!
Victory is ours!
Looks like we're having
curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
Hey, we make a pretty good team.
You have no idea.
Shrek?
His day is up. His day is...!
Shrek?
It's all right.
There has to be something I can do.
You've already done
everything for me, Fiona.
You gave me a home and a family.
You have kids?
We have kids.
Fergus, Farkle
and a little girl named...
...Felicia.
- Felicia.
I always wanted to have
a daughter named Felicia.
And someday...
...you will.
You know what the
best part of today was?
I got the chance to fall in love
with you all over again.
Fiona, the sunrise!
You're still... an ogre!
- True love's form.
- Impossible!
The kiss worked.
What?!
Fifi!
Puss!
No, no, no!
No, not yet! I'm not ready! No, wait!
I love you, Daddy!
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
Everybody, I have found another cake!
Shrek? Are you OK?
Fiona. I've never been better.
Roar!
Happy Birthday, Farkle.
Fergus, my little man!
And Felicia, sweetheart.
I believe this is yours.
Thank you, Daddy.
Hey, Uncle Shrek! How about
giving my babies an encore!
Please, seor, let us have it!
- I didn't know we could do that.
- That's my best friend!
You know, I always thought
that I rescued you
from the Dragon's Keep.
You did.
No. It was you that rescued me.
Yummy!