Episode 35: Its Time to Talk About the Police

https://globehell.libsyn.com/

## Episode Summary

Everyone knows there is a big problem with our police, but what is the solution? Just keep giving them money or take it all away? Are fictional characters real and could Tony Stark truly live in our universe? These are the questions we have to ask ourselves in 2021, in many ways 2020 was our future, but now its our past...

## Idea Details

* Idea: World Wide Police Force, Fund The Police, Turret Roomba, Healing Roomba, Sniper Roomba, Angel Roomba, Freezing Roomba, Roomba Mayor, Roombureaucrats
* Creator of idea: Josiah
* Purpose of idea: Listen to me, okay? Listen to me. We're talking about politics, we're talking about policy, and we're also talking about policia. Okay? You don't be stealing things, you can't be stealing in this world. You're not allowed to steal things, because if you steal them, then you can't be doing crimes. And this is the biggest problem facing our society today is crimes and doing them and stealing them. And we need to talk today specifically I'm glad you've said these things because our topic today is how we need a World Wide Police Force. We need to get the police back on track, we need to have a police force, it's just a sad truth is that we need the police to be here to help us. (Drew: "Well...") So today we're gonna talk about the police, and we're gonna talk about stealing and how it's not okay to do crimes, just because you're think that you're leftist and you say, 'I left this in my pocket and left the store with the left this in my left the store with this item.' That's not okay no more! We need to talk about the police, we need to talk about changing the police to make them serve the people, and we need to talk about setting up a new kind of police force. World Wide Police Force. Okay? (Drew: "Well...") Huh??
* Timetable: No timetable was given in the episode, but it was implied that Fund The Police would be a defining issue of 2021 so it should be implemented as soon as the Roomba corporation trains its slightly bigger Roombas to know that dirt equals crime.
* Idea details:
	+ World Wide Police Force is a new kind of police force to serve the people.
	+ World Wide Police Force is not quite World Wide Police Reform, although it does involve changing the police's form.
	+ Step 1 of World Wide Police Force is to do the opposite of 2020's attempted police reform of 'Defund the police', which did not work. Instead, we will take the opposite approach and pour so much money into the police force that all of the crooked cops become so privileged and overfunded with so much disposable income, that the sheer ennui of being so rich will drive them to have a human crisis. Crooked cops will be so wealthy and bored that they will start getting into modern art and will start bands and podcasts. Some crooked cops will even start a life of activism.
	+ Funding the police would come with the stipulation that the money would be given in the form of a bursary or grant, whereby the money would be specifically allocated for salaries, HSAs, and things like massages and art and building a recording studio. Buying things like tanks and military equipment with the grant money would be expressly forbidden.
	+ Part 2 of World Wide Police Force will develop and use technology to create a roving police force that is not human and thus will not bring human biases into policing because it is tech. While tech has been shown to sometimes be racist, this will be a new kind of tech that is not racist.
	+ Josiah and Drew will partner with the Roomba corporation to build slightly larger Roombas that are trained to know that crime equal dirt. While they will obviously be unable to literally suck up crime, they will be affixed with a turret gun from *Call of Duty* and will then roam the streets looking for crime.
		- Note: While many have noted the similarities to Blood Roombas, it should be noted that Blood Roombas were created in partnership with the Roomba corporation to be slightly smaller Roombas, rather than slightly larger ones. Blood Roombas are also trained to know that germs and green are bad, rather than crime.
	+ Josiah voiced his support for the above strategy to fund the police to a dramatic degree and then replace them with Turret Roombas, Healing Roombas, Sniper Roombas, Angel Roombas, and Freezing Roombas that would roam the streets under the specified loadouts of the mayors each night. There would also be one evil mayor and one good mayor in each city to provide balance. They would debate every day and the winner would get to determine the Roomba loadouts and what kind of leveling up experience they use (speed, strength, stealth), and where they would spawn. The mob will be able to bribe the mayor(s) to provide them with a Roomba loadout with no/fewer Turret Roombas and more Freezing Roombas, which could potentially help them whack people. However, some amount of crime is required in every society.
	+ Drew voiced his support for a plan that would involve replacing all bureaucrats and higher-ups with Roombureaucrats who know only that crime is dirt, without providing the police with extra funding. This would involve one Turret Roomba roaming up and down the aisles at each police station to police the police. There would also be a council of mayors with six good mayors and six evil mayors with a robot mech suit on each side of the room and what you have to do is get to the other team's mech suit and blow up the other team to determine who does the Roomba loadout that day.
	+ It was ultimately left up to the listeners of Globe Hell Warning to determine what kind of police reform would be enacted in America, by tweeting '1' to support Josiah's idea or tweeting '2' to support Drew's idea.

## Devil Play

* Drew asked to clarify that the additional police funding will go to salaries and not to building an army.
	+ Josiah emphasized that no matter what happens, it'll be like trickle-down economics. So it's fine if they want to buy their Tony Stark robots but they will be funded so much, no matter what, that by sheer trickle they're all going to become so incredibly wealthy that they are all driven into the arts.
	+ Drew pointed out that one of the issues is that Tony Stark sees the corruption of the system and chooses to act outside of it. And while the MCU may be pro-military propaganda - a view to which Drew is sympathetic - at the end of the day, Tony Stark is simply a man, and not an extension of a military or a police force.
	+ Josiah repeated to Drew a claim that he has told him repeatedly in the past, which is that Tony Stark is not real.
	+ Drew stated that it depends on your ontology, and that Tony Stark is as real to him as any woman he could kiss.
	+ Josiah, exasperated, stated that whether Tony Stark is real or not is moot, because they're going to fund the police so much that they're going to study the arts and go to liberal arts colleges and get master's and PhD's in art history and be so distracted by the pursuits of their new wealthy lifestyles that they'll be hypebeasts and modern art collectors, which will inevitably paralyze the police force.
* Drew asked permission to play devil about the militarization of the police and how power generally just wants more and more power. He didn't think giving the police more money to build more robots and tanks would lead to them eventually becoming leftist, but rather that they would tend towards being more fascist.
	+ Josiah interrupted to introduce the possibility that instead of giving the police extra funding willy-nilly, they would instead make it kind of a bursary or grant, whereby the money would be specifically allocated for salaries, HSAs, and things like massages and art and building a recording studio. Buying things like tanks and military equipment with the grant money would be expressly forbidden.
* Drew played asshole by stating that he didn't think Roombas affixed with turrets on top of them that are trained to roam the streets looking for crime would work. He described this system as horrific and thus preferred the police as they are now. He also stated that he would feel emboldened to commit crimes if he felt there were no Turret Roombas in his surroundings.
	+ Josiah calmly asked him to stop being a reactionary prick and describe his issues with the idea slowly so they could work together, instead of Drew being an asshole.
	+ Drew asked for clarification about what the Turret Roombas would do once they found a crime.
	+ Josiah repeated that Turret Roombas would be the new police.
	+ Drew gave a hypothetical scenario where a Turret Roomba came upon Jack the Ripper, the famous murderer, and asked whether the Turret Roomba would arrest him for his crimes or simply shoot and kill him with the turret.
	+ Josiah pointed out the how corrupt and evil the modern prison-industrial complex is and asked if Drew really wanted criminals to sew things for Victoria's Secret for $1/hour. He surmised that Turret Roomba would simply shoot Jack the Ripper in the face, though he extended this inference to anyone speeding in a school zone as well.
	+ Drew suggested that speeding in a school zone is not a crime because it's a victimless crime.
	+ Josiah, stunned by this, reasoned that Drew has not been allowed in school zones for a few years now, so he may not remember the relevant laws very well. He then asked Drew what he thought the Turret Roombas should do and noted that he was starting to think Drew loves the police.
	+ Drew responded that he didn't think there should be a Roomba Turret. Drew suggested instead that they still give a Roomba the crime algorithm, but when it finds crime, it will place a halo on the head of both the criminal and the victim. These halos will give force fields of protection as well as auras. The aura on criminal will indicate to any onlookers that he, she, or they are criminal. The halo on the victim will indicate they are an angel and they will go straight to heaven. He clarified that they will not die and go to heaven, but would rather be an Earth Angel.
		- Note: It is not clear how the halo would make the victim an Earth Angel, since an Earth Angel is an ethereal being of floating energy who decides at some point to possess a human - it is not a separate class of human designated for a heavenly existence, as Drew seems to suggest here.
	+ Josiah suggested that after funding the police to the point of their malaise and ennui and then replacing the police with Turret Roombas trained on the crime algorithm, then Josiah and Drew take both of their ideas and create an *Overwatch* situation where there are different loadouts of different Roombas and the mayor of each city gets to choose where the Roombas spawn and what loadouts they have and different combinations of loadout Roombas, such as Healing Roomba and Sniper Roomba and Turret Roomba and Angel Roomba.
	+ Drew pushed back against the Roombas being weaponized at all. He was fine with the Healing Roombas but totally against any Turret Roombas, suggesting as an alternative the Freezing Roomba, which would have the power of setting up ice walls to trap people. But he was adamant that the number one thing they need are the Healing Roombas, not just to heal the souls of the victims, but also to heal the souls of the perps, since criminals are ultimately souls screaming out in need of help.
	+ Josiah refused to budge on Turret Roombas, but accepted that there could be some limit set on the number of them selected in the loadouts. Ultimately though, he was adamant that a turret is the ultimate de-turret of crime and there must be some amount of Turret Roombas out there roaming the streets. He went on to suggest that maybe after a criminal is trapped by a Freezing Roomba and then brought in, they could interact with a Therapy Roomba to help them with their problems.
* Drew asked what's to stop someone with a emerald using a dash to run up to a Turret Roomba and slash off the front of the turret and hack it to take control of all the Turret Roombas.
	+ Josiah responded that for a society to continue, there must be some crime. There must be a possibility that someone could get away with something. Society can't function without crime. Turret Roombas roaming the streets will prevent most of the crime, but they have to leave open the possibility for organized crime to buy off some of the Roombas and have it whack some people with the turret one or firebombing places. This will help society to function.
	+ Drew asked how the mob could bribe the Roombas.
	+ Josiah responded that the mob could bribe the mayor to make the Roomba loadout that night include a Freezing Roomba instead of a Turret Roomba so they are able to go whack someone without fear of being turreted.
	+ Drew pointed out that the mayor is no longer neutral in this situation.
	+ Josiah noted that there was never an expectation of neutrality for the mayor, until we can have a Roomba Mayor.
	+ Drew suggested they'll need to start the process with a Roomba Mayor because it would be incredibly dangerous to have one person in charge of a robot army.
	+ Josiah decided that every city will have two mayors: one evil mayor and one good mayor and they have to duke it out.
	+ Drew instead promoted his idea of having a Roomba Mayor or a server room.
	+ Josiah disagreed, stating that a Roomba cannot lead and they're only good for turret.
	+ Drew suggested that the Roomba Mayor could be like Clippy where you have a face for the Roomba software.
	+ Josiah asked who would program that software because a Roomba only knows dirt - crime. By having one evil mayor and one good mayor who have to debate all day, this solves the problem.
	+ Drew asked what would happen when the evil mayor wins.
	+ Josiah expressed his feeling that he was achieving so much with his idea, from eliminating the police and replacing them with a neutral police force and using balance with an evil mayor and a good mayor, that a utopia could not be expected so quickly.
	+ Drew pushed for a council of at least eight mayors.
	+ Josiah reminded him that the mayors' only function is to decide the daily loadout of Roombas and which skillset is available and if they get upgrade points available from emeralds or XP points, for instance, and whether it's speed or strength or stealth that gets upgraded on the Roombas, but that's all the mayors get to do.
	+ Drew understood that more mayors meant more problems. But he asked Josiah to humor him in his idea that you have a council of mayors with six good mayors and six evil mayors with a robot mech suit on each side of the room and what you have to do is get to the other team's mech suit and blow up the other team to determine who does the Roomba loadout that day.
	+ As Drew was describing this, Josiah came up with a more simple solution to everything, which is that since his original idea of training a Roomba that dirt equals crime is so good, they can keep the police exactly as they are but now instead of the corruption and biases that go on at a bureaucratic level of the police and force and even all the way up the chain to mayor and governor and president, they will keep all the police humans but all of the bureaucratic paperwork-level people and the police chief and the mayor are all Roombas. This would get rid of their biases and replace them with only the thought that dirt is bad. These would be called Roombureaucrats and would replace all but one Turret Roomba probably.
	+ Drew agreed that there should be one but suggested that it be pointed at society as a warning.
	+ Josiah revised his idea to say that all the police force still stays human beings and all the bureaucrats and higher-ups are Roombureaucrats because all they know is dirt is bad, but then there's one Turret Roomba per police department that roams up and down each aisle looking at each desk to make sure everyone's behaving themselves. In this way, the Turret Roomba would actually police the police.

## Notable Events

* Josiah had a cold and was a bit stuffed up so his breathing sounded slightly strained at the beginning and end of the episode.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video about the gemstone emerald and how you can use the power of emerald to enhance your luck. Drew was going to get him and Josiah an emerald to change their lives.
* Hell Care
	+ Note: This is distinct from World Wide Health Care, which is Blood Roombas that come in large pill form that you swallow and then they suck up anything in your blood that is not red.
* World Wide Police Force
	+ Note: This is distinct from the World Wide Security Initiative, which is an enforcement agency task force created as part of World Wide Lottery, and whose function is to serve a $7 WWD ticket infraction to anyone in the world who fails to buy the mandatory $5 World Wide Lottery ticket each month.
* Josiah and Drew listened to "Relaxing Chicago Police Department Radio/Scanner with Music Background".
* Josiah and Drew listened to *Rewind* by Didrick and MIRAMIS.
* Josiah and Drew asked that listeners help decide what they do with this idea. By tweeting '1' at them, you show your support for funding the police. By tweeting '2' at them, you show your support for Roombureaucrats in every department in America. Next week, they will decide which idea is the winner but they are both perfect ideas.

## Notable Quotes

### Josiah

* "[On the topic of the politics of the United States] Sometimes the States are not even - they're more like yelling than state - stating. They're more of a shout. Should be called the Ununited Shouts Of America. Cause they're not just merely stating things and they're definitely not stating facts, they're stating uhhh misinformation. It's very sexist that we call misinformation 'miss-' we should call it 'misterinformation'."
* "[In response to Drew segueing from US politics to geodes] Sorry, I know that it's kind of tenuous at best how we segue between these ideas, but I don't really understand. You're telling me that because of politics and the stress and turmoil of the world, you'd like us to look at geodes?"
* "But geodes are much smaller than man."
* "[In response to Drew saying he wants to change their lives by buying an emerald] And that's important because that's what this section of the show before we get into the topic is about self-care, and we care too much for um Earth - we have too much hell care - health care - hell care - hell care, that we don't do the sellf care. Sellf care."
* "[On the topic of Justin Trudeau's seat of politics, Hilltop Manor] Blythe Manor, I thought it was. 'Haunting of Hill House' is what I say when Trudeau's there doing his thing - doing his uh... Trudeau. More like, 'Don't true,' cause nothing he says is true."
* "We're talking about politics, we're talking about policy, and we're also talking about policia."
* "And this is the biggest problem facing our society today is crimes and doing them and stealing them. And we need to talk today specifically I'm glad you've said these things because our topic today is how we need a World Wide Police Force. We need to get the police back on track, we need to have a police force, it's just a sad truth is that we need the police to be here to help us."
* "So today we're gonna talk about the police, and we're gonna talk about stealing and how it's not okay to do crimes, just because you're think that you're leftist and you say, 'I left this in my pocket and left the store with the left this in my left the store with this item.' That's not okay no more!"
* "[On the topic of problems in the police not being only with male cops] In fact I've heard that male cops - well, you know, it's all anecdotal, but I've heard that some of the male cops are pretty cool and do kickflips and stuff - they tell the skater kids to leave but they'll do a - they'll show them that they can do a kickflip if they leave."
* "So there's no denying that the police are've become a bunch of bad women and some of the men ones too, and we need to deal with this now."
* "What was the big move in 2020, which was last year - I'm not talking about - I'm not stuttering and saying the first half of this year, I'm talking about 2020, not 202021 - 2020. They were talking all about 'Defund the police', remember that? Everyone said, 'Defund the police, we need to defund the police,' and that was a great idea, I thought at the time, but look around you! It didn't work. They're still here. It didn't work. I mean, we just have to admit it was something that didn't - it didn't work!"
* "[In response to Drew saying that defund the police never happened] Well, you know, that was the angle: 'Let's defund the police,' it didn't work! It was just the wrong angle. Whether or not it happened is kind of I guess if you wanna split hairs, do semantics, we could do that. But I'm saying defund the police didn't work, so I have an idea of how we get rid of the current corrupt police right now. We take the opposite approach. We fund the sh- living daylights out of them! We need to pour so much money into the police force that all of these cops - these crooked cops - are so privileged and overfunded, they have so much disposable income, that the sheer ennui of being so rich will drive them to just have a complete cris- a human crisis. They'll start getting into the arts, they'll be so wealthy and bored that they'll start getting into modern art, they're gonna start bands, they're gonna start podcasts, I think some of them are even gonna find their idle hands will lead them towards a life of activism! So I'm saying we need to fund the police like crazy. Triple the budget. Give them so much money that they're just - they're so wealthy that they kind of start questioning the meaning of life and having kind of rich people problems that you and I could never understand."
* "I think that if we drive them into this kind of crisis of self that can only come from extreme wealth, it's gonna be really - I mean it's gonna be inter - it's gonna be great for culture, I think, and society, but it's also gonna make them kind of - like, why would they even bother going out on the street and abusing people if they're so wealthy that they are spending their time, you know, trying to purchase these rare items online?"
* "[In response to Drew saying that Tony Stark is not an extension of a military or police force, but is rather simply a man at the end of the day] Well, I mean, he's not real, is something I constantly tell you every - I mean, every single day, I feel like, I feel the need to tell you, when I say good night to you, I need to tell you - remind you that Tony Stark is not a real human being."
* "[In response to Drew asking permission to play devil] Of course. Every angel needs a devil, so please go ahead."
* "It sounds like you don't wanna get rid of the police, is what it sounds like, but okay."
* "So Roomba does not know anything except dirt bad."
* "Well now I think you're not playing devil at all, you're just being an asshole."
* "[In response to Drew voicing his disdain for both funding the police and for Turret Roombas] I'm starting to think you love the police."
* "Can devils hear out of their horns?"
* "A turret is the ultimate 'deturret' of crime, I think."
* "[In response to Drew's question about how the mob could bribe their way into controlling the Roombas] Well like the mayor is doing - controlling the loadouts. So the mob might be like, 'Oh make sure there's just one of Drew's fuckin lame uh Ice Roombas out tonight and we're gonna go whack this guy uh and then we won't have to worry about being turreted.' Something like that, you know? Just like uh - I don't - yeah, I don't know. The Roombas are neutral. I mean a Roomba doesn't have a brain."
* "So you don't think that it's a good idea to fund the police? You're still living in 2020?"
* "[In response to Drew saying Josiah is horrible to him] I don't say that I have issues with your ideas. I don't like you, particularly, but I-"
* "[In response to Drew saying Josiah is awful to him] To you, but not to your ideas. The ideas are sacred on this show. We're nothing without our ideas, but um that's fine. Now I know what you're really like."

### Drew

* "[In response to Josiah's strained breathing due to his cold] It is - that is - that is distracting. It is distracting, I have to admit."
* "Surfers are actually one of the biggest sources of disinformation, that's one of the things you don't know. But I wanted to take back - take a step back and look at the bigger picture and look at our place on the planet Earth and think about all the different geodes and different rocks that have formed throughout the years and how -"
* "Do you understand? What I wanna do for us? I wanna change our lives."
* "Hell ca- hell care. You could do Hell Karen."
* "[On the topic of a Karen] You remind me of one. With your behavior sometimes."
* "But do you understand what I want to do for us? I want to get us some rocks. I want to get us some emeralds and I wanna enhance our luck. OK?"
* "[On the topic of getting emeralds for himself and Josiah to enhance their luck] So that's kinda my point right here is because everybody's talking about what's going on in politics and what's going on in the White House and what's going on in the Canadian House - in the - where do they uh... Hilltop Manor."
* "[In response to Josiah's question about why he needs an emerald to improve his luck when his life is already going swimmingly] Well that's the thing: now that you have extra luck, you can start doing things like gambling more, um stealing, trying to steal stuff, cause that's kind of just a gamble, going into a store and stealing something. You can start stealing stuff, Josiah."
* "[On the topic of problems with police] It's not just male cops."
* "[In response to Josiah saying that Tony Stark is not a real human being] Well, it all - you know, that depends on your ontology, Josiah. I choose to - I believe in the existence - you know, once it's on the page, it's real to me, baby. And Tony Stark is as real to me as any woman I could kiss."
* "So the solution is for the worst cops, to give them the most mon- to buy them out basically. But then what stops those people from just using their money to build their own - I mean those people are not well, they could use their new wealth to build their own arms and -"
* "[In response to Josiah asking if Drew preferred the police as they are now to having Turret Roombas] No, no that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that having a Roomba with a turret on it shooting people or just using the threat of violence -"
* "No, I don't think there should be a Roomba Turret."
* "What's to stop a guy with a emerald and a little bit of luck from basically uh maybe running up - using a dash to run up and get close to the Turret Roomba, and slash off the front of the turret, maybe hack it or something, take control of it, take control of the rest of the turrets - what's to stop a guy with a emerald basically taking control of these units?"
* "[In response to Josiah saying he never says he has issues with Drew's ideas] Yes you do! You're horrible to me!"
* "You're awful to me!"
* "You seriously need to see a doctor. I'm really worried about that sexual moaning that you've been doing."

## Trivia

* This episode involves the second idea using a Roomba, after the Blood Roomba in Episode 29: World Wide Health Care.
* This is the first episode to leave the final determination of the idea to the listeners.
	+ Note: This is similar to when Josiah and Drew asked Globe Hell Wiki to determine who should be credited for coming up with the idea for *Aging Cody Bonks*.