Grandma Fight Club, Toddlers with Swords, and Widebows

D&Daniel

Hello, listeners. I hope everyone had a good Valentine's Day. I went to the park with tabletop tim and we got on the Pedaloe. The lake was frozen. So we just sat there pedaling but it was still a good time. Anyway, thanks to our patrons especially Hedwig and Carlo

Pencil

Hello, welcome to probably bad podcast, a podcast, which is definitely bad I'm pencil

Paper

I'm paper today's probably bad RPG idea is at the start of each session what role random on TV Tropes five times, you have to work all five of those into the session somehow.

Pencil

So I am currently getting up the random for five TV Tropes. That was not how that sentence goes. But I'm currently getting up the random for five TVTropes.

Paper

Yeah, I have it up. And the first one is bonus material that I got. I'm not quite sure how you work that one in beyond like, I don't know, here's a story in the setting I wrote it doesn't really have much to do with your adventure.

Pencil

What you need to do is you wait for the game to end. And then like two days later, you get everyone to your house for what they think is just a normal social interaction. But no, it's you explaining the story of Bojangles The Goblin. You've made a little PowerPoint and everything.

Paper

You could take it in the other direction and do like a making of you just present your players with all of the notes you made while planning the game.

Pencil

And here's more examples of how smart and great I am.

Paper

Don't you wish you'd encountered this NPC they sound cool, but instead you decided to sit around and instead.

Pencil

Here's how the plot would have gone if you've paid attention to any of my plot hooks.

Paper

Okay, my next My next one is anguished declaration of love.

Pencil

It's a bold way to start your RPG campaign. (Oh, that's the beginning is it?) Yeah, like you walk in or your plays it out and you just sit down and go like, Susie, I've always loved you. And then you just go back to playing the game as if nothing had changed. And completely ignore follow up questions.

Paper

I like that as that is a power move.

Pencil

Yeah, it's a great way to so you know, there's always the worry in games like games like d&d, that you're gonna get interpersonal conflicts of various kinds. You know, so we need to start it off by just immediately making the entire situation as awkward as possible. So if anyone's like, you know, slightly annoying or slightly self absorbed, it's hardly noticeable over the fact that you just fell to the floor shrieking your undying love for everyone in the room and then just stood up and got yourself a coffee

Paper

I can see no way that that wouldn't solve all interpersonal problems in a d&d group.

Pencil

Yeah. The first trope I got was deceased parents are the best you should maybe not implement this in your RPG group.

Paper

But on the other hand, 90% of character backstories

Pencil

Yeah, that is fair. Just Just kill off all your all your all the PCs parents if they aren't already dead. They're probably dead already. It's fine.

Paper

Yeah.

Nick Blake

The other 10% of backstories are help my family members keep coming back to life. I now have seven grandparents.

Paper

I mean, that would be a fun character. Because what I'm imagining for that character is basically necromancers have  attacked my town. All my relatives are back and they just refuse to leave

Pencil

I like the idea of rather than necromancers it's a rogue cleric who just won't stop resurrecting your grandma.

Paper

I feel like the implication of that is also because you can't use it on people who died of old age. Yeah, like what keeps killing your grandma?

Pencil

Presumably the rogue necromancer.

Paper

Nick says other tougher grandmas.

Pencil

You need to stop this cleric from interfering with the grandma ecosystem.

Paper

Feels like a Reddit post though. Does that like help my grandma joined a fight club

Pencil

am i the asshole for wanting a cleric to stop resurrecting my weak puny Grandma I love her but honestly her fighting skills are just not - no good in the current grandma meta

was about to have an interesting idea about like A culture that considers people who've been resurrected a form of undead, but it has kind of been swallowed up by the grandma Fight Club.

Paper

Yeah, what you do is you, all of the grandmas are ones that died of various unnatural causes, I guess due to the mechanics of resurrection in DND. So that's kind of bleak. But then you bring them all back and make them fight

Pencil

I guess what you could do is if it was like one of those things where it's like, if you don't die in battle, you don't go to heaven. So all the grandmas who would have died of old age are killed by a dude who fights them. And then they come back

Paper

just before they die of old age, you stab them and then they die of that instead. And you can bring them back.

Pencil

Yeah, I can see no flaws in this plan.

Paper

I can imagine a fantasy culture doing that. I'll be honest.

Pencil

Yeah. Like, yeah, it's a loophole in the no back from old age rule

Paper

I'm just really into the concept of grandma fightclub I'll be honest. Like, you know, it gives them something social to do gets them out of the house.

Pencil

Like, instead of the retirement home, we have the cage pit.

Paper

It's a cage and a pit. Yeah, like is it? Is it a pit with a cage over the top? Or is it a pit full of various cages?

Pencil

I mean, like so a cage pit is a pit with a cage over the top.

Nick Blake

I do like the other option.

Pencil

It's a maze to like keep the grandmas mind smart. Because they're keeping strong by fighting each other but they're also keeping smart by navigating their way through the cages.

Paper

Ah, combat of the mind. I think we just reinvented Chess Boxing.

Pencil

I think I think you profoundly misunderstood Chess Boxing.

Paper

Is chess boxing not a cage of the mind.

Pencil

It is I feel is not a horde of grandmas beating the shit out of each other while navigating obstacle courses but to be fair, I've never played it.

Paper

It is if you make the grandmas do chessboxing.

Pencil

Genius grandma Chess Boxing cage fight match. implement this in your game. You know I'm sure your players want their grandmas to be involved in the game somehow.

Paper

The next trope that I got was climb slip hang climb where you almost fall while climbing something.

Pencil

that is my emotional state during all DMing

Paper

I feel like that's also just a thing that happens in d&d, like make me an athletics check. And now I want to tell you the story of the character in one of the games I'm burning. (ok), who was like, Okay, I will use this 50 feet of rope to abseil down this 200 foot cliff and didn't do well transferring from the rope to the cliff and ended up just dying because that's a lot of falling damage.

Pencil

Yeah, I can I can immediately see a flaw in the plan.

Paper

Yeah. I just wanted to share that and publicly shame that player. (Yeah, get wrecked). I think some of the party does listen so hi.

Pencil

Yeah, the one I got was the aggressive drug dealer so you know a way to supplement your income mid game. If you if you

get a natural 20 You get to buy cocaine off the GM

Paper

Yeah, I was imagining it like a slightly tamer version where you just aggressively sell the energy drinks that are in your fridge to your players.

Pencil

I mean, every RPG YouTube channel is sponsored by energy drinks. So yeah, we're off to a good start. You just open your coat. Hey, kids, you want to buy some energy drinks and also play d&d. I am the villain from a bad 90s movie. Play d&d drink energy drinks and disrespect our parents.

Paper

So shall we do one more trope each and then move on to questions because I have lost count.

Pencil

Sounds good.

Paper

I got public service announcement. So it has to incorporate a moral message into every-

Pencil

like all these like RPG related public service announcements, where it's like Um, you know,

don't cheat on dice rolls or whatever it is, or is  this like you just like stop the game every five minutes to discuss fire safety.

Paper

Like I like the idea of just being general ones. Like, yeah, every few minutes you just sort of do the tabletop equivalent of like, pause the tape here to discuss

Pencil

if you get a natural one, nothing happens in story, but the GM sits down and gives you a very serious talk about drugs. This is while the same aggressive drug dealer is- is in play. So you do a very serious talk about saying no to drugs while giving you cocaine.

Paper

Well you know that means you can test the effectiveness of the message

Pencil

Yeah, you've got two GMs, one of whom is telling you not to do drugs and one of whom was trying to get you to do drugs. And the aim of the game is to just enough drugs that this terrible campaign is manageable, but not so much that it's a problem.

Paper

Oh, I know how to solve this one you ask the other DM? You asked the DM what the other DM would say right.

Pencil

You ask the DM whether the other DM would give you drugs one DM always lies one DM always tells the truth one DM  is high off their tits

Paper

And one DM tells the truth one DM always lies and they're both just talking about drugs.

Pencil

You need to like figure out what's happening in the campaign based on the amount based on like the drug metaphors they're using.

Paper

I see no way this could go wrong.

Pencil

My last one is retail therapy which is probably going to be much easier now that you've sold all of your friends drugs. We are we at pencil and paper productions do not advocate selling all of your friends drugs. Once you've sold all of your friends drugs Yeah, just go buy dice but RPGs but buy more drugs.

Paper

I mean, Wizards of the Coast are clearly pro retail therapy, the amount of stuff they're constantly trying to sell you.

Pencil

Yeah, like you know, have you considered buying all of the things that are on sale now that was the most generic sentence I've ever said but I'm sticking with it. Have you considered buying the things that can be bought - have you considered buying things that can't be bought?

Paper

I mean, have you considered buying the things that can be bought is basically every time I open D&D Beyond to check something.

Pencil

Have you considered buying the terrasque erotic pinup calendar

Paper

I would buy that though

Nick Blake

let's see how

Paper

erotic terrasque art

Pencil

with its shell off wink

Paper

I said that was a joke but someone is going to send this erotic terrasque art now aren't they

Pencil

I 100% believe so I have we have a new homebrew idea sexy terrasque like the normal terrasque is incredibly physically strong. The sexy terrasque is incredibly like just really hot.

Paper

It's like half terrasque half Incubus.

Pencil

It's like if you imagined a terrasque as drawn by a bunch of cis het graphic designers told to make it clear this character is a female. Yeah, so it's bright pink. It has long eyelashes and that has massive tits

Paper

See now my brain is just combining Jessica Rabbit and a tardigrade. And I wish it wouldn't

Pencil

I mean you know, that is also a character you could have. In fact, that is my next character.

Paper

I'm really glad I'm probably not running the next game you're in

Pencil

because like, so you can't kill the toon and you can't kill a tardigrade. And like the few weaknesses, the two of them have would presumably cancel out. So you'll be completely immortal.

Paper

You can kill the tardigrade by firing it from a gun. (yeah but you-) you can kill a toon with the dip.

Pencil

Yeah but you can't kill a tardigrade with the dip and you can't fire a toon from -

Paper

dip water pistol.

Pencil

I think you'd have to put the toon in the water pistol and the fired them.

Paper

Yeah.

Pencil

Okay. Still this is still pretty immortal.

Paper

Yeah, if that's the one where you could be killed I think functionally immortal

Pencil

the one way I can be killed. Yes. So yeah, I feel like so what we have is this game where everyone's on drugs and trying to sell drugs. Is the grandma cage fighting in game or in session.

Paper

game.

Pencil

I think it's in game but also you do have to fight your grandma as you play

Paper

and also the DM is in love with someone and very loud about it

Pencil

. Yeah, the DM is loudly declaring every time you will natural 20 to DM loudly declares their love for you and proposes to you

Paper

this

Pencil

that's just happens that's just for you have to deal with combat. Mechanical resolution is based on fighting your grandma.

Nick Blake

Roll an unnatural one

Pencil

if your grandma kicks your ass,

Paper

if you want to do any sort of check, you have to beat your grandma at it. Yeah, physical stuff. Not look beating, beating the beating around history.

Pencil

Good luck beating your grandma on seduction. This would be a really worrying way to learn your grandma's really good at seduction.

Paper

I mean, most grandmas have had sex at least once. (Yeah, presumably) I'm just gonna leave that thought out there.

Pencil

Like as like as things get more difficult or easier, you can sort of choose from an more or less physically capable old lady.

Paper

So it doesn't have to be your grandma. It just has to be a grandmother.

Pencil

Yeah, that's why we have the cages that are just full of grandmas and it can be like, Yeah, this grandma's really, really strong. So for strength base check so you you have to use this grandma has a difficult check. We use this grandma who's just like a little skeleton woman

Paper

You do take psychic damage whenever you pick someone that isn't your own grandmother.

Yeah. From your grandma like, sadly, whimpering from her cage. (yeah) So do do take psychic damage if you don't release your grandma from her cage.

So before we move on to questions, we mentioned tumblr we have a Patreon patreon.com/probably Bad RPG ideas. If you want to send us a question or horny terrasque fanart, you can email probablybadpodcast@gmail.com or messages on Twitter at bad probably or Tumblr at probably bad RPG ideas. So questions?

hazel

Hi, I'm Hazel and I present the bread and thread podcasts with lists also known as paper from probably bad bread and thread is a podcast about food history and domestic history and generally social history we delve into a lot of different things. So if you'd like to know which country has laws against importing sheep,what cookbook will tell you how to make a great martini and also houses live a nuclear bomb attack or why you are using a fork right now. Then come over to Brennan thread and give us a listen. You can find us on Spotify or wherever else podcasts exist I don't know

Pencil

So our first question is anonymous. Do you prefer Pathfinder or d&d Goblins?

I prefer I prefer the Pathfinder goblins so for people who don't know d&d Goblins are your kind of like murderous hordes. They show up and they kill a bunch of people because they're dicks. Orcs but smaller and sneakier whereas orcs are more like

Paper

Clomping is the word I would use for orcs.

Pencil

Yeah, Orcs will run over and whack you. Whereas goblins will run over and sneak up behind you and then whack you. Pathfinder goblins are essentially wacky pranksters who are unaware that what they're doing is killing people. They have no sort of self control or ability to like predict the consequences of their actions other than it would be fun for a given building to be on fire now

Paper

apparently has access to weapons and magic. (huh) So they're toddlers with access to weapons and magic

Pencil

essentially, yes. Imagine a bunch of toddlers except they are like the size of a human and they have magic and a sword. And they just form little toddler armies running around doing chaos and i love them

Paper

i do want to dress the implication that you did that toddlers are not humans.

Nick Blake

I said human sized I think

Paper

you said the size of a human but also toddlers are human so they are human size by definition

Pencil

that is true no I'm going to double down er toddlers are not the size of a human you don't like you don't become a human until you go to your chrysalis at like six

Paper

sure

Pencil

I assume my experiences a universal

I like the idea of like, one of my characters in one of my campaigns is a goblin who has what is referred to in Goblin circles as boring nerd disease which is a condition where you can like consider the consequences of your actions and not act on every impulse that pops into your head (spectacular) they are they are searching they're like you know, they are living with it. They are working on filing taxes someone has to

Paper

I was really hoping you were going to say they're working on a cure.

Pencil

I mean ultimately Yes. Eventually they too will like just throw an entire ferret at someone yeah D&- D&D goblins are just yeah a generic are just another horde. Pathfinder goblins are you can have a perfectly civil conversation with them until they decide they would like to put a pigeon in your mouth

Paper

this is a problem with like quite a lot of d&d monsters I think that they just kind of exist to be punched. (yeah like) Pathfinder kind of puts puts more thought into how they actually function within the world

Pencil

Yeah, like I mean obviously you know, the classic one of like this species exists entirely to fill up evil hordes. And you know, that's it.

Paper

And that is a lot to address.

Pencil

Yeah, we will not be getting into like the full orc discourse here just be aware that there is a lot of orc discourse out there there's a lot of drow discourse out there now to everyone's angry about everything

Paper

I think just a blanket statement, we do not support the idea of race of sentient creatures being entirely evil

Pencil

Yes, so there we go. We are firmly pro orc

Paper

Yeah, I think I feel like they have tried to address it a bit because you at least have goblins with a slightly more interesting abilities. (yeah) But they still don't really have much of a social structure or life outside of the horde.

Pencil

Yeah, I mean, I guess it is sort of the problem of d&d generally being ultimately, much more made for game than made for like, immersion

You know, it doesn't really matter where the orcs come from or what they want as long as you can hit them with rocks.

Paper

I guess this is why homebrew settings are so popular.

Pencil

Yeah. Although I did- I was I was reading for a thing online about a comedy among different races by different species. And it mentioned orcs. I think it was meant to say that orcs liked misogynistic jokes because you know they're evil. But instead because of a typo what it said is the orc were strongly opposed to bigoted jokes. And I like the idea of orcs being like all the evil Raiders, but like scrupulously pro social justice maurauding Raiders

Paper

I like that like they're pro war but not because they think anyone is inferior, they just like fighting

Pencil

they will they check your pronouns before they decapitate you that

Paper

kind of thing.

I believe the phrase is diversity win

Pencil

yeah diversity win the orc army that burns your house down, use your pronouns while they did so. So yeah, there you go. I support them.

Paper

So A second question is from crashionalthinker. How big do you think a sword needs to be before you consider it comically oversized? Like is there a difference between a claymore and Cloud Strife's sword? (i think) i've often wondered this

Pencil

Yeah. I think if your sword like if it starts reaching a point at which your sword is welding you then you might have an issue.

Paper

Yeah, I think I think you can get away with claymores because they're kind of they're just a scaled up version of a regular sword. Whereas Cloud Strife's sword is just here is a piece of steel with the same dimensions as my body i'm going to expertly swing it now.

Pencil

Yeah, like I think if your sword is sort of approaching the same size as you, you maybe need less sword. Although if your sword is approaching the same size of a toddler it is still technically human sized and therefore oversized. Who knows?

Paper

I guess it's kind of like you know. You get long bows, which are as long as a person is tall.(yeah), you do get you could have a comically oversized one in like an anime or something which is even bigger than that. (yeah also my mind) maybe that is the line it's just no taller than you

Pencil

Yeah. although my mind Did just jump to wide bow as a weapon and

Paper

a crossbow? (huh?) a crossbow

Pencil

no because like a cross I don't mean like a crossbow What I mean is a normal bow. Except it's also as wide as a human like

Paper

oh like the stave the stave is wide yeah that would that would be non functional and I kind of as a fantasy weapon

Pencil

it is it is completely useless a weapon because essentially what you have is a table with like a bit of string tied to it.

Paper

magic item idea. A bow that could be in no way functional and is enchanted but only to make it work. It doesn't do any extra damage or anything. It's just enchanted to be a functional bow

Pencil

This is my wide bow which is enchanted to ignore physics just enough to be a valid weapon because there's no way for the bow to actually get through the stave

because it's as

Paper

well the the arrow doesn't go through the stick It goes around it

Nick Blake

yeah that's what i meant - it will actually in this case it would have to go through

Paper

you could have like a little slit in it.

Pencil

You could or you could just like you know get good

Paper

what I'm imagining now is like you know the arrow slits on castle walls. (yeah) Just a plank with an arrow slit in it and then you have to shoot through it.

Pencil

Like what I've invented is a shield that could also double as an offensive weapon,

but only badly.

Paper

Unless it's enchanted.

Pencil

Yeah. Magic is great because it means my ridiculous ideas can work really well. See next my my wide sword or club as they're sometimes called.

Paper

I mean wide sword is just cloud strife's sword

Pencil

yeah I think yeah, those are great potential weapons here what I want to see is like a claymore being welded by a hobbit

Paper

that that would be getting getting towards Final Fantasy proportions I think

Pencil

yeah, I mean, cuz that's the thing is that you know relative whereas if a giant has a claymore or they're just like, you know, using it as a dagger

Paper

but could you could you move things in the other direction as well? Like, this is my shortest sword. No, it's not a dagger. It's a very short sword.

Pencil

Like, you know, knives are just very short swords. I think isn't a knitting needle, a very short sword.

Paper

I think more of a short Javelin because it's only got the point at the end.

Pencil

I mean, you know, like a rapier.

Paper

Possibly I bet you can get knitting needles with sword pommels on the end. (Yeah) I suddenly really want that

Pencil

it means that when you're when you're knitting eventually fights back. No wait because this will be useful because when you do have to fight grandmas, you have a freedom weapon while knitting.

Paper

What if they also have the knitting needles swords

Pencil

I mean that makes a fair fight and that's when you bring out your wide bow. So we've got Longbow we've got wide bow, what about deep bow?

Paper

Explain deep bow.

Pencil

So you got like a standard long bow and the wooden thing just reaches directly up to your face.

Paper

So, door with some string

Pencil

Yeah, it's it's a, it's essentially just like a log that you've put string on one end of and now you're holding the log. There are three archers one with a long bow one with a wide bow and one with a deep bow. And you need to get past them and figure out which one sells you drugs which one's going to narc on you, and which one has figured out how to use an actual weapon. This is the ultimate logic puzzle send in your proposed solutions. One always lies one always tells the truth and one hits you with a wide bow.

Paper

Think that is the point to end the episode. Yep, like I said, there is a Patreon probably bad RPG ideas if you want homebrew, which generally make more sense than the widfe bow although I may create the wide bow at some point. There's a Discord server where we talk about RPGs and sometimes play oneshots and bonus episodes. So thank you for listening and

both

remember to have a probably bad day