Fake TPOT 22: Shadows... in the Light

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
"**Shadows... in the Light**" is the non-canon twenty-second episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 19 July 1980. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe.

Author's note: Hmm, I'm not really a fan of the ellipsis—I had to make several redirects for readers who might be on "Smart Punctuation". So I leave you all with the title "**Shadows**" as an alternative.

Previous episode: "45 RPM to Your Doom!"

Next episode: "Alphabet Two-p"

## Cold open

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Just like in her cameo in the second-to-last episode of BFB, **Gaty** sits in front of Two's hotel. A realistic-looking cardboard cut-out of Pin sits next to her until Gaty knocks it over with her foot.
* **G****at****y**: [*nemini loquens*] Why does Coiny even have this? It's not like he doesn't see the real thing 24/7.

[*Enter* **Saw**, *wearing a tulipant on her head again.*]

* **S****aw**: Hi, G***8***y!
* **G****at****y**: Hey, Saw. You finally went out and got that handle change?
* **S****aw**: Yep! I was looking in Pen's mirror and that guy from the Cake at Stake was right. Brown *is* the colour of poo!
* **G****at****y**: Really? I thought Pooh was yellow and wore a red shirt.
* **S****aw**: I think that's something else. Or someone else.
* **G****at****y**: You know, you don't have to change just 'cause someone doesn't like the way you look.
* **S****aw**: True, true. And that's what I told myself before I went to Two's Gym/Cosmetology Centre/Handle Store and found something I didn't think I'd ever need... until now. Ready?
* **G****at****y**: Ooh, let me see.

[*Saw ceremoniously removes the tulipant from her head. Her new handle is rounded and, at the moment, yellow.*]

* **S****aw**: Ta-da!
* **G****at****y**: Nice, it's a yellow handle.
* **S****aw**: Not just yellow, but blue, purple, green, red and my favourite, "Saw classic".
* **G****at****y**: Pink.
* **S****aw**: Yuppity.
* **G****at****y**: Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait. This isn't one of those *mood handles*, is it? [*Saw nods*] Saw, the seventies are over.
* **S****aw**: Oh, Gaty, you're so forward-thinking. Anyway, I want you to say something that might make me sad.
* **G****at****y**: Uhhhhh... Saw, you're eliminated.

[*Saw's handle turns blue.*]

* **S****aw**: Aww!
* **G****at****y**: Hey, that's a nice shade of blue! [*Saw's handle turns yellow as she says this.*]
* **S****aw**: Thanks! Now say something that makes me feel disgusted.
* **G****at****y**: Coiny.

[*Saw's handle turns green.*]

* **S****aw**: Eugggghh.
* **G****at****y**: Green looks good on you, too. [*Saw's handle turns yellow again as she says this.*]
* **S****aw**: Sure, but I don't get why green means disgusted. Most gardens are green and I like those!
* **G****at****y**: Well, there are lots of green things that aren't so nice to look at. Like Rocky's vomit.
* **S****aw**: And the fumes that you can somehow see above trash heaps.
* **G****at****y**: Yeah! And our personal least favourite...

[*Gaty and Saw look at each other as if giving each other a cue.*]

* **[** **G****at****y** · **S****aw** **]**: *TwoOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*The intro plays. As soon as the scene returns, huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: You called?
* **G****at****y**: Not particularly.
* **S****aw**: We were just talking about how disgusting you were. No offence, of course.
* **Two**: None taken, Saw-dy Saw! And now that I'm here, I'm announcing that it's time for all you disgusting objects to watch today's Cake at Stake! How say you both?
* **G****at****y**: Bring it on.

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene**All the contestants are on the roof of the hotel. The team up for elimination, **U**, stand on platforms with **Two**, while **The Alefs** and **Vitas** watch on the colourful risers. **Battery** is with them.
* **Puffball**: Wow, Saw, that's a new handle.
* **S****aw**: Thanks! It changes colours, just like you!
* **Puffball**: [*spinning around*] We must be twins!
* **Two**: Is everyone here ready for Cake at Stake?
* **Golf Ball**: You have already gathered us up, so yes.
* **Two**: Perfect! U lost last time, and the viewers have decided which seven people they want to keep on the show and which two they don't want. We got [*numbers*] votes this time. That's a good number; there are three 2's in it! I am too, too happy right now!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Two, why do you keep saying your name?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Isn't it obvious, it's because this is the twenty-second episode.
* **Two**: That's right! Twenty... *two!* Two... *two!* Hahahahahahahaha! Hee-hoo-hee-hoo-hee-hoo-hee-hoo! O-a-o-a-o-a-o-a! Upupupupupu! Sksksksksksksksksksksksk—
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Two. Stop it.
* **Two**: Sorry. I regret to inform you this, but Clock got the most votes at [*number*] and gets to stay for another episode. [*unimpressed*] Oh joy. /s

[*As they do with the other safe contestants, Two throws a small glass square at Clock. It breaks.*]

* **Two**: And you might want to try catching this time. [*makes dolphin sounds*]
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Grr.
* **Two**: Golf Ball is also safe!

[*Golf Ball tries to catch the square with her foot but misses.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Oop!
* **Two**: Why does everyone keep missing?
* **Golf Ball**: We armless people...
* **Two**: Tennis Ball. [*the glass square breaks*]
* **Golf Ball**: Are not inclined to catch things that are thrown at us, especially if said things are unknown.
* **Two**: Book.
* **Bo****ok**: [*catches the square*] Yeah, but seriously, what is this?
* **Two**: I'm glad you asked! These little glass squares are *not-macroscopes*. Taggy, you get one too!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yay!

[*Price Tag misses and the not-macroscope breaks.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: No!
* **Two**: And Naily.
* **N****a****ily**: All right!

[*Naily catches the not-macroscope with her mouth. It breaks because she has accidentally bitten into it.*]

* **N****a****ily**: That's going to hurt.
* **Baske****t****ball**: But our teeth are almost invincible, Naily! We're objects, remember?
* **Two**: *Don't rub it in!* Basketball, you are safe too.

[*The not-macroscope breaks in mid-air.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Seriously?

[*The spotlight effect shows on Needle and Robot Flower, who have received the fewest votes.*]

* **Two**: Needle and Robot Flower...
* **Need****le**: Are we both safe?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: That's highly unlikely!
* **Need****le**: [*sigh*] Both of us are eliminated.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: That's more likely.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Two *did* say this was a double elimination.
* **Two**: Yep! A double elimination for a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very special episode! Goodbye now!

[*Two sends* **Needle** *and* **Robot Flower** *through The Tile and into the Filing Cabinet.*]

* **Need****le**: Ah!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Curse you, Two!
* **Two**: I love you too, Robot Flower! [*Beat.*] She's gone now, right?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: They've both gone through the portal.
* **Two**: Then I hate her!
* **Golf Ball**: Two, it is not nice to say something when you mean something else! [*to the impressionable viewers*] You should not do that in real life!

## Post–Cake at Stake

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Post–Cake at Stake dispersion. The teams are mostly keeping to themselves. **Battery** sits in the background, on one of the bleachers downstairs, mostly keeping to herself and writing in her journal. She is surrounded by makeshift furniture.
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh no, Needle's gone!
* **P****i****n**: This is even worse than the first time she was eliminated!
* **Co****i****ny**: I miss her already.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, and she's done so much! She even helped me out of the hole in the ground when no one else would, eh-*em.*
* **Co****i****ny**: Sorry about that. Want a bánh mi sandwich to make up for it?
* **P****i****n**: Yes, please.
* **Co****i****ny**: I'll be back, baby.

[**Coiny** *kisses Pin's cheek and* *runs to the vending machine.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Wow, Pin, I'm surprised you're so sad.
* **P****i****n**: Why wouldn't I? She was my best friend. I mean, she *is* my best friend; she just happens to be in a place where I can't talk to her.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Now that Needle's gone, you don't have to compete any more for the love of a certain monetary token, if you know what I mean. [*nudges Pin*]
* **P****i****n**: Omg, Fries, this isn't the Cours Florent.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: What?
* **P****i****n**: This is no place to start drama.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Well, I meant—
* **P****i****n**: Fries, what is going on with you lately anyway? In BFDIA, you never wanted to meddle in other people's business.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Oh. [*realizing*] I'm sorry about that. I've just got a bit too involved; I have spent way too much time with a certain group of gossipmongers in... [*sees Two staring at him, ready to exterminate him*] Brussels. [*Two looks away*]
* **P****i****n**: Brussels? I love their sprouts!

[*Fries is about to facepalm but he lowers his hand.*]

* **P****i****n**: But yeah. Maybe, like, try to give people their space. I don't think this team can handle any more conflict.
* **Cloudy**: Well said, Pin.
* **Puffball**: So true. I've been observing from above and The Alefs are clearly three factions. [*as a diagram appears*] There's you and Coiny on one side, me and most other people in the middle and Saw and Gaty on the other side.
* **Cloudy**: Speaking of those two, where are Saw and Gaty?

[*Puffball indicates Clock, who is reclining in a beach chair with sunglasses on.*]

* **Puffball**: Since the person who loved him most in the competition is no longer with us, he must be very sad.
* **P****i****n**: Or happy. I can't tell sometimes with Mr. Ol' Lawful Neutral. /hj

[**Saw** *and* **Gaty** *approach Clock, giggling.*]

* **G****at****y**: Eyy, Tick-Tock Boi.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Can you please find somewhere else to play?
* **G****at****y**: But we just want to—
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Away with you!

[*Silence as Gaty and Saw look at each other confused—they try not to laugh.*]

* **S****aw**: I don't think he wants to be bothered.
* **G****at****y**: Okay, Clock, but you're going to have to do scarier than that.
* **S****aw**: Yeah, I'm not even turning purple! That means fear, by the way.
* **Cloudy**: Sooner or later, we will have to work together if we want to get things done.

## Pre-contest

[*Two claps to get everyone's attention.*]

* **Two**: Attention, everybody! It is now time to talk about the next challenge! But first, an announcement.
* **B****atter****y**: [*from far away*] Oh great, another announcement that, once again, doesn't affect me.
* **Two**: Battery, please come down and stand next to me!
* **B****atter****y**: *Wait, you could hear that?*
* **Two**: Hear what? This announcement is about you!
* **B****atter****y**: Me? Yes!

[**Battery** *runs down from her "house" and passes the crowd of contestants to stand confidently next to Two.*]

* **Two**: Thank you!
* **B****atter****y**: *Poschaluista.*
* **Two**: Eh?
* **B****atter****y**: *Bitte schön.*
* **Two**: What?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: She means *you're welcome* in various languages.
* **B****atter****y**: Yes. You are welcome, Two! [*smiles wide*]
* **Eraser**: [*shoving Battery*] So what's the announcement?
* **Two**: Today is the day that Battery joins you all as a contestant in... *The Power of Two!*

[*Battery rises.*]

* **B****atter****y**: Wow, really? I eventually get to join?
* **Two**: That's right! You've earned it.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah!
* **P****en**: Nice going, Battery!
* **T****r****e****e**: [*Aside.*] She hasn't even done anything.
* **P****en**: I still think she's cool.
* **B****atter****y**: So, Two, what's my first order of enterprise? Whose team am I in? Can I form an alliance with everyone with the same political views as me?
* **Two**: Whoa, there. *Slow your roll*, as the disco-minded people say. I didn't say you were a *full* contestant.
* **B****atter****y**: I'm sorry, what?
* **Two**: Because we are in a new stage in the game, I've decided to do something that applies to all new debuters who have joined at the same time as someone who received more votes than them.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Och, that's very specific.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: But it does apply... to me!

[*Two speaks a bit louder than before to explain something.*]

* **Two**: As you have seen in the last episode, all secondary debuters are now required to sit out the contest of the episode in which they joined. In the next episode, they must act as a shadow of a contestant who is already participating, so that by the time they compete separately in the next, *next* episode, they will be well integrated into competition life.
* **B****atter****y**: So... who am I going—
* **Two**: Great Gogma, aren't you going to thank me? I did something nice!
* **B****atter****y**: Er... thank you?
* **Two**: You're... *not* welcome! See? I can say that because it's my day. It's *Two's* day.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Actually, it's Monday.
* **Baske****t****ball**: It's always Monday. Monday, Monday.
* **N****a****ily**: ♫ ***BADAH BADA DADAH!*** ♫ [*Beat.*] Nobody else?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: ♫ So good to me! ♫
* **N****a****ily**: Now you're getting it!

[*Two claps twice again.*]

* **Two**: Thanks a lot, Clock. /s You've started a series of *non sequuntur*. You know what? I'm going to do something you won't like!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What, like exist?
* **Two**: Battery, why don't you go and be Clock's shadow for today's contest?
* **B****atter****y**: Ooh, really?
* **Two**: Sure! As long as it makes Clock miserable.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I'm already miserable. But since it is my duty to show this rookie the ropes... [*Battery giggles and Gaty rolls her eyes.*] I will do my best to get her acquainted with today's task. For Bacteria.
* **B****atter****y**: Battery.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yes, comrade.
* **G****at****y**: [*Aside, to Saw.*] How embarrassing.
* **Eraser**: [*shoving Battery again*] So what's the contest?
* **B****atter****y**: For the love of the Lenin sisters, not again!
* **Two**: Today's contest is a very special one.
* **S****aw**: Ooh, are we making you over?
* **Two**: Not this time, Yellow Saw! Today, you must make a maze out of boxes.
* **Eraser**: But where are the b—

[*Eraser gets hit in the head with a large cardboard box.*]

* **Eraser**: I'm okay.
* **Two**: And there's more where that came from.

[*As if by instinct, everyone steps back a bit as one hundred large cardboard boxes fall from the sky. As this part is viewed from above, it is a bit of a comical sight.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: You know, I think the quality of these boxes could be better.
* **Ar****esko**: Er, Two? Are we supposed to use these boxes?
* **Two**: No, Aresko, you're supposed to stare at them until they start to move on their own. /s Of course, you *have* to use these boxes!

[*Awkward silence.*]

* **Winner**: So, can we pick them up now... or what?

[*Two taps their feet to the rhythm of a song that does not exist, even in this universe. They have a slightly annoyed expression on their face but are still smiling.*]

* **Winner**: Oh. Maybe we're meant to wait before Two says *go*, eh?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*on the other side*] What did you say, Winner?
* **N****a****ily**: I think they said "Go!"

## Contest

### **Outside**

**Scene**That's where the whole contest takes place. We start off with **Gaty** and **Saw** grabbing cardboard boxes on their own, while the rest of the team supposedly plan things out. **Aresko** helps them out a bit, but not enough.
#### The Alefs

* **P****i****n**: [*trying to get Gaty's attention*] Hey, Gaty. [*Gaty runs back to put the box away*] Hey, Gaty. [*Gaty runs over to the boxes*] Gaty. [*Gaty runs back, but does not listen*] Gaty. Gaty.
* **Puffball**: What are you doing?
* **P****i****n**: I'm trying to get Gaty to listen. I think she's ignoring me because she doesn't like me.
* **Ar****esko**: But who would hate you, Pin? You're so cool that you appeared in my dreams!
* **P****i****n**: Aww, really? [*sees Saw running over*] Hey, Saw.
* **S****aw**: Hi, Pin.
* **P****i****n**: You appreciate my being on a team with you, right?
* **S****aw**: Well, sure, you're fine. It's Coiny we don't like!
* **Ar****esko**: You know you're talking about him when he's right next to us.

[*Camera pan to* **Coiny**, *who is right next to Pin. He doesn't seem to notice.*]

* **P****i****n**: It's fine; he's planning things out with the others. Hey, Coiny.
* **Co****i****ny**: Yes, dear?
* **P****i****n**: You didn't hear anything we were talking about, did you?
* **Co****i****ny**: Sorry, I can't hear anything after you put me and Nickel next to each other.
* **Nic****k****el**: [*in front of a distorting background*] *This is really dangerous!*
* **P****i****n**: Oops, heh heh.

#### U

[*The members of U have accumulated a large number of boxes.* **Tennis Ball** *sits on one of them coolly.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Alright, team, we have gathered thirty-three boxes.
* **B****atter****y**: Are you sure that's enough?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: We should be fine.
* **Golf Ball**: That is correct. I counted in my head and there were precisely one hundred boxes that we could use for the contest. If you divide one hundred by the number of teams there are, that is, three, then our team has the optimal number of boxes with which to create a maze.
* **N****a****ily**: We're going to nail this!
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, that's right. Now here's the challenge plan that Tennis Ball and I came up with.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Together?
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, together, for he is my First Gentleman!
* **Baske****t****ball**: I'm... not following.
* **Golf Ball**: In some countries, the wife of the President is called the First Lady.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Right, *la Primera Dama*.

[*Golf Ball moves to the middle of the area.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Because I have proclaimed myself the President of the United Goikyan States of *The Power of Two*, Tennis Ball must be...
* **Baske****t****ball**: Your First Gentleman. That's what you call him.
* **Golf Ball**: As convention dictates.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It's an honourable title.
* **Golf Ball**: And now it's time to allocate rôles to everyone, so listen up, please!
* **Bo****ok**: We're all ears, Golf Ball.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Just not literally, 'cause that would be weird.
* **B****atter****y**: What's an ear?
* **Golf Ball**: [*clearing her throat*] Okay, Naily and Price Tag, you go to the library and research maze designs. Come back as quickly as possible!
* **N****a****ily**: We can do that! Right, Taggy?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Huh? I didn't even know the library still existed.
* **Golf Ball**: Why, of course it does! You can find it at Two's Gym/Cosmetology Centre/Handle Store/Library. The name was changed this morning!
* **N****a****ily**: 'Kay, we're going.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Bye!

[*Exeunt.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Book and Basketball, make sure the maze is big and walkable enough for Two to go through!
* **Bo****ok**: How do we do that?
* **Golf Ball**: By pretending you are Two. You're both good at angles, right?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Sure! Did you know I'm part protractor?
* **Golf Ball**: I thought you were Goikyan Colombian.
* **Baske****t****ball**: That too!
* **Golf Ball**: Now this task is especially important, because knowing Two, the number will go through our maze and destroy everything!

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: Like you're one to talk; your husband sent my First Hotel flying into the atmosphere.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I was possessed!
* **Golf Ball**: His willpower is not as strong compared to mine! /j
* **Two**: *And* I destroy *most* things, not everything. [*Beat.*] Carry on, everyone!

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two**. *By now, Clock has put on headphones.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Battery and Clock! Um, Clock? Hello? Are you listening?
* **B****atter****y**: I bet he already knows what to do, that man. But... I have no idea what to do, so, er, Golf Ball, can you—
* **Golf Ball**: You and Clock, you must reinforce the structure of the maze with heavy things you find in the area. If you don't, there is a risk that the maze will collapse with Two in it, and we will lose. Got that?
* **B****atter****y**: *Das ist klar!*
* **Golf Ball**: What?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: She understands.
* **Golf Ball**: Thank goodness I have you to translate for me from Pretzel-ese.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I was born during the war; it's just little stuff.

#### The Alefs

[*A bit like what Just Not did in TPOT 4, the members of The Alefs have arranged themselves in a circular dialogue formation as if they were in a serious political debate or something.*]

* **P****i****n**: [*holding a microphone*] Good evening, everyone. I am Pin, your host for today's magical event: the much-awaited forgiveness between Saw and Gaty, and Coiny and me.
* **Cloudy**: But wait, Pin. If you're taking part in this talk show, shouldn't someone else be the host?
* **P****i****n**: Gosh, you're right. Cloudy, I hereby nominate you to conduct these processes—proceedings.
* **Puffball**: Why not me?
* **P****i****n**: Oh, you can join too.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: I'd like a rôle in this as well.
* **Ar****esko**: The more people, the more likely we get this contest done.
* **Nic****k****el**: Cool, it's a feeding frenzy, all against one!
* **Co****i****ny**: Um, Pin? Why did you gather our teammates?
* **P****i****n**: Because this is serious. Our team has been together for nearly nine months and I don't want to be in any more arguments! We could lose one or two of our members and not even know it!
* **S****aw**: Hey, Pin's right. I mean, we're scaring the newcomers, and that's not nice!

[*Everyone turns to face* **Aresko**, *who whimpers in the back.*]

* **G****at****y**: Well, when you two put it that way... I guess we can give it a try...
* **P****i****n**: Thank you! Or as we say in the old country, "*Cảm ơn bạn!*"
* **G****at****y**: Over my charred body!
* **P****i****n**: What?
* **G****at****y**: I'm leaving. [*storms off the screen*]
* **P****i****n**: But Gaty...
* **Co****i****ny**: Me too. [*storms off in the other direction*]
* **P****i****n**: Wait, Coiny, you're supposed to be the co-operative one!
* **Co****i****ny**: This is America; I can do whatever I want!
* **Nic****k****el**: So who's going to tell him this is a foreign country?
* **G****at****y**: *Stop following me, Coiniel!*
* **Co****i****ny**: *What do you think I'm not doing, Gatja?*
* **Cloudy**: I've never seen a closer pair of friends. /s
* **Nic****k****el**: I don't know, Cloudy; they seem like a mess.
* **Puffball**: We've failed them as teammates.
* **Cloudy**: I was being sarcastic.

#### Vitas

[**Tree** *sits on a cardboard box as the rest of the team work on their maze. He is the leader in this challenge.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yay. We have gathered the most boxes out of everyone.
* **Snowball**: We're the best of *all teams!*
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*dismissively*] Uh-huh.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: How are things going here?
* **T****r****e****e**: I've never felt so powerful ordering these dumb jeeks around.

[*He points to Snowball and Eraser marching to get some boxes. Pen sits on top with a pair of binoculars.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Not many have this opportunity even once in their life.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wait, you said *jeeks*.
* **T****r****e****e**: I did.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's *jocks*.
* **T****r****e****e**: What? Since when?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You need to brush up on your North Goikyan American slang, dude-bro-macho-man.
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, whatever.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Now I hope you don't let the power get to your head.
* **T****r****e****e**: Why would I, of all people in the competition?

[*Enter* **Pen**, *carrying three boxes on top of one another.*]

* **P****en**: Hiya, boss!
* **T****r****e****e**: You.
* **P****en**: Where'd you want me to put these boxes, boss?
* **T****r****e****e**: Just stack them over there.
* **P****en**: Sure thing!
* **T****r****e****e**: Say that one more time.
* **P****en**: Sorry. Sure thing, *boss*. [*laughs a bit*]

[*Exit.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Why are you making Pen call you *boss*?
* **T****r****e****e**: Because Eraser called me an evergreen elitist and Snowball threatened to beat me up. I don't feel like being deforested today. [*Black Hole nods.*] And it's cute. *Bo-as*.

[*Meanwhile, Winner watches Battery follow Clock around. Battery has literal hearts in her eyes. Winner approaches Tree with a bit of apprehension.*]

* **Winner**: Hey, er, Tree?
* **T****r****e****e**: Yes?
* **Winner**: May I be excused?
* **T****r****e****e**: Um... sure. Just be back before Two comes, yeah?
* **Winner**: I'm sorry; I just need to go talk to a fellow TPOT debuter about something.
* **T****r****e****e**: No, go, take your time. It's not like you haven't got eight other teammates who can fill your rôle.
* **Winner**: Okay.

[*Exit* **Winner**.]

* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, thanks for letting me be the team leader, Donut; I know you're usually the most organized one.
* **Donut**: Eh, it's nothing. Besides, I have no idea how to build a maze! In case you haven't noticed... [*points to his hole*] Things don't go through a winding path when they go through me.

[*Donut takes a blade of grass from the ground and throws it through him. By the power of animation, it disappears on the other side. He coughs a bit.*]

* **Donut**: I only did that... as a demonstration. Bleh!

#### U (an offshoot)

[**Battery** *continues to follow* **Clock**, *who is still wearing headphones. Enter* **Winner**.]

* **Winner**: Gidday, Battery.
* **B****atter****y**: Winner, hi! It's been so long since we spoke to each other! How's life?
* **Winner**: Oh, not that bad. Er, can we talk... alone?
* **B****atter****y**: I wish I could follow you, but I'm kind of behind this guy right now... and I'm loving it.
* **Winner**: Right, that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.
* **B****atter****y**: You have juice? Spill it, I want details.
* **Winner**: Sure. You're lucky Clock can't hear us right now.
* **B****atter****y**: What's he listening to?
* **Winner**: Himself. His gears play the national anthem of my country.
* **B****atter****y**: Really? That's *wunderbar!*

[*View of Clock, who is lip-synching a song.*]

* **B****atter****y**: Oh, Winner, I think I'm in love. He hasn't said a word to me in eleven minutes, but... I think he fancies me too.
* **Winner**: I hate to be the one to tell you this, Bat. He doesn't love you like that.
* **B****atter****y**: Why not?
* **Winner**: He's married.
* **B****atter****y**: So? He's French. [*raises her eyebrows*]
* **Winner**: Battereika Dierschelowitsch, or whatever your name is now, I'm ashamed of you! Chasing after a married man, do you know what that makes you? A word I can't say out loud!
* **B****atter****y**: Cyka? [*mispronounced "sigh-ka"*]

[*Winner looks away and back at her, sighing.*]

* **Winner**: Let's just say that Clock isn't who you think he is. He doesn't see romance the way most people do.
* **B****atter****y**: I can make him!
* **Winner**: Look, Battery. It's pretty normal to worship the ground somebody walks on, but you can't expect them to fancy you back. Why not just be allies with him, eh?
* **B****atter****y**: Aeh. I guess I can do that. I mean, we have got a lot in common.
* **Winner**: Like the desire to abolish social class and the hierarchies that go with it.
* **B****atter****y**: That's music to my terminals! Well, I think I'm feeling a little better, more down-to-earth and more at peace with my life. Good talk, Winner.
* **Winner**: No problem, Bat. Just don't do anything reckless, okay? An angry Clock is quiet but twice a day.
* **B****atter****y**: Xaxaxaxa!

[*Exit* **Winner**.]

#### U (main team)

[*Meanwhile,* **Book** *is playing with her not-macroscope. She holds it up to the sky.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Whoa, that's so cool!
* **Baske****t****ball**: What is it, Book?
* **Bo****ok**: See, see! [*points at the sky*]
* **Baske****t****ball**: You shouldn't look at the Sun; that's dangerous. Remember Galile-snow?
* **Bo****ok**: No, my not-macroscope!

[*Basketball walks over to Book.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Whoa, that's so cool!
* **Bo****ok**: I know, that's what I said!
* **Baske****t****ball**: We have to show GB.

[*Book and Basketball approach* **Golf Ball**, *who, with* **Tennis Ball**, *is talking to* **Two**.]

* **Two**: That sounds like a great idea! I'll be back later to judge your team's maze. Cheers!

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Bo****ok**: Hey, Golf Ball, we have some news for you!
* **Golf Ball**: So have we! I have spoken to Two, and it looks like I will be the host the next time Two disappears!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: And I'm going to co-host.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh. [*Beat.*] Well, our news is just as interesting!
* **Bo****ok**: Check this out!

[*Book holds the not-macroscope up against the sky. Golf Ball and Tennis Ball watch, amazed.*]

* **Golf Ball**: What is that?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It looks like a satellite view of our area.
* **Golf Ball**: But how is that as interesting as my being host?
* **Bo****ok**: We can use this for the challenge!
* **Golf Ball**: That is absolutely true; with this not-macroscope, we can double-check if our maze is good enough, and it will be.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Nice confidence there!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Book, can I please hold the not-macroscope? I wonder if it's location dependent.
* **Bo****ok**: Sure, TB. Just be very careful; this is the only one left.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Sigh, to think that each of us could have one of our own.

[*Book delicately places the not-macroscope on Tennis Ball's head. It slides off and breaks into pieces. All the team look at one another.*]

* **Bo****ok**: ***NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEJJJJJJJJ!***
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: ***AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...***

[*Enter* **Naily** *and* **Price Tag**, *confused.*]

* **N****a****ily**: Is this a screaming party? ***NYAAAAAAAAA!***
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: *Rock on, freaky bros!*

[*Snowball stomps over to U and screams in Golf Ball's face just because everyone else is doing it.*]

* **Snowball**: ***NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*The rest of Vitas observe this scene.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: I'm not doing that.

### **Middle of the field**

**Scene**Two announces that the contest is ending soon.
* **Two**: Alright, everyone! It looks like all the boxes have been taken, so you've got two times two to the power of two minutes left.
* **Eraser**: *Which is?*
* **Two**: Eight minutes. I didn't say that because I wanted you to hear me say my favourite number!
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*sigh*] I know somebody whose favourite number is *not* eight. That's because he doesn't have a favourite number. [*winks*]
* **Golf Ball**: Team U! We have to start building, now!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: If you please.

[*Sounds of construction and general chatter as* **U**, *including Clock, start making their maze at record speed.* **Vitas** *do the same thing.*]

* **Snowball**: [*throwing boxes to the ground*] Chwoompk! Chwoompk! Chwoompk! Chwoompk!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*Aside, to Tree and Remote.*] OMC, why's he got to sound like that?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: While Snowball is making totally monstrous noises that any old writer could type out, the rest of us are jabbering away.
* **Donut**: Not everyone! Get working, please!
* **T****r****e****e**: Whoops.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sorry, Donut.
* **Donut**: This team is now under new management.

#### The Alefs

[*As the two other teams work diligently in the background, The Alefs have only set one box down for their maze.* **Coiny** *and* **Gaty** *sulk in the background as their loved ones stand by.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: This isn't even close to the maze I went through before! We're going to need more boxes.
* **Cloudy**: Do you think you can magic some up, Puffball?
* **Puffball**: What am I, a witch?
* **Nic****k****el**: That's what you were for Halloween last year.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: What was she? I couldn't get the reference.
* **Puffball**: I was Sawomantha from *Behexed*.
* **Nic****k****el**: Mm-hmm.
* **Puffball**: Okay, I can do this.

[*By some inexplicable magic that might never be used again, Puffball makes boxes appear. They are rainbow-coloured and sparkle in the sunlight.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: If we lose, we lose in style. *Puffball* style.
* **Puffball**: Only the best one there is.

[*Meanwhile, with* **Gaty** *and* **Saw** *on the left and* **Coiny** *and* **Pin** *on the right. Quite creatively, they are shown on a split screen, with the one speaking in colour and the silent one in black and white.*]

* **[** **P****i****n** · **S****aw** **]**: Hey, **[** Coiny · Gaty **]**.
* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **G****at****y** **]**: What?
* **P****i****n**: You've got to get back to the contest.
* **S****aw**: And stop being so mad about—
* **[** **P****i****n** · **S****aw** **]**: **[** Gaty! · Coiny! **]**
* **S****aw**: We're team-***8s!***
* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **G****at****y** **]**: No!
* **P****i****n**: Why not?
* **Co****i****ny**: You're talking about an angry butthead!
* **S****aw**: Brilliant choice of words there. /s
* **Co****i****ny**: Ah, it's not that. Don't you know?
* **G****at****y**: I'm just worried—
* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **G****at****y** **]**: **[** She's going to run away from · He's going to forget **]**—
* **Co****i****ny**: Me again.
* **P****i****n**: But Coiny...
* **S****aw**: We're on the same team! There's no way—
* **[** **P****i****n** · **S****aw** **]**: **[** She's going to run away from · He's going to forget **]**—
* **P****i****n**: You. It's not really one-sided like it was before!
* **S****aw**: Now we've got a bunch of neutral people...
* **P****i****n**: Who don't care about drama from seven years ago.
* **Co****i****ny**: Like when Leafy *stole* Dream Island?
* **G****at****y**: Like when Taco *abandoned* Team ?
* **[** **P****i****n** · **S****aw** **]**: **[** Yeah! · Sure! **]**
* **S****aw**: But do you think you can do that?
* **P****i****n**: Go back to your team and pin up a newfound friendship...
* **S****aw**: For me?
* **P****i****n**: And if not for me, then for The Alefs?
* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **G****at****y** **]**: Whatever.
* **G****at****y**: I could totally do that.
* **Co****i****ny**: Just give me time.
* **G****at****y**: Like, a lot of time.
* **P****i****n**: Suit yourself, but if you're not friends by the end of the year...
* **S****aw**: You're in big trouble, missy.
* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **G****at****y** **]**: [*scoffs*] Fine.
* **P****i****n**: Yay!
* **S****aw**: Then let's go back!

[*Saw and Pin walk back to the middle of their team's area, while Coiny and Gaty follow them. Zoom out until the split screen disappears and we see what the rest of the team have done for their maze: the number "2", but with boxes.*]

## End of the contest

### **The Alefs' area**

**Scene**Huc teleportat **Two** to the scene. They marvel at this team's creation.
* **Two**: Wow, wow, wow! What has your team made?
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh. We just made the number two.
* **Puffball**: In maze form.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: If there's some kind of twist that somehow disqualifies this creation of ours, I want nothing to do with it.
* **Two**: But there is a twist.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Heh?
* **Two**: You win!
* **Everyone**: What?
* **Two**: I don't care how horribly the maze actually ends up; your team has captured the essence of the contest as well as the whole show. And that essence? *Me!* Immunity for the Alefs!

[*The other teams look dumbfounded by this; some even look angry. The Alefs don't mind; they celebrate.*]

* **Ar****esko**: High five! [*high-fives Pin*] High five to you too! [*high-fives Fries*]
* **Cloudy**: *Tape m'en cinq!*
* **Ar****esko**: Whoa! [*falls on his face*]

### **U's area**

**Scene**
* **Two**: U, what have you made?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Only the winning design in this maze contest.
* **N****a****ily**: It's got the most difficult design in the whole world!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: According to the book we found in your library, this labyrinth was so hard to navigate that even the bull-headed Minotaur couldn't escape it! But he was kind of stupid.
* **P****en**: Hey, that sounds like me! Boy, I'd make a nice, strapping Minotaur.
* **Eraser**: Sure, Pen, and I'm an ugly little satyr. /hj
* **Two**: Sounds tempting, U! [*walks over to the sign marked "Entrance" in crayon*] But just so you know, it's called Two's Gym/Cosmetology Centre/Handle Store/Library/Numerology School.
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*Aside.*] Numerology school?
* **N****a****ily**: It's the study of "numers".

[*Two enters the maze.*]

* **Golf Ball**: This is it!
* **Bo****ok**: Our team's going to win!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Told you we didn't need that not-macroscope!

[*As soon as she says this, the boxes fall down.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Ò.

[*Two pops out of the box, a little annoyed.*]

* **Two**: I am not amused.
* **N****a****ily**: No!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I bet we lost!
* **B****atter****y**: Oh *Kossygin*, second time up for elimination? [*Clock nods, looking down*] Your team is not having a good day.

[*They all look at her.*]

* **B****atter****y**: What?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: *You* supported us the whole time, so you're up for elimination with us.
* **Two**: No, U aren't. U aren't up for elimination; U aren't up for elimination indeed! We still have to see how Vitas are doing!

### **Vitas's area**

**Scene**
* **Two**: Okay, Vitas, how about your maze?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, we didn't make it as fancy or Two-ish as the others did, but we still hope you—
* **Snowball**: ***LIKE OUR MAZE!***
* **Two**: I'll be the judge of that.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Ooh, I can't wait to see what happens!

[*Two goes through the entry box and stops. A thump sound can be heard.*]

* **Two**: I can't go through!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What? This maze was designed with algebraliens in mind.
* **Two**: Well, you must think we algebraliens are idiots, because the bottom of the box is on the side I'm meant to go through. [*lifts the box and finds the same thing*] Hello, are they all like this? Who led you guys?
* **T****r****e****e**: Err... the team's under new management.
* **Donut**: *What?*
* **Two**: Vitas, I have to say that your team did abysmally.
* **P****en**: So we lost?
* **Eraser**: No, Pen, we won because we're underdogs in the same world as *Rocky*. /s
* **Nic****k****el**: [*perks up*] Rocky?
* **Two**: Actually, I can't decide which team has made the worst maze: Vitas and U, I'm declaring both of your teams up for elimination!

## Post-contest

[*The members of Vitas and U gasp.*]

* **Two**: Your mazes were awful. I'm sure even newborn babies could craft something better to walk through. On the outside I may be scolding you sternly and emotionlessly, but on the inside I'm delivering myself pavement pizzas on loop.
* **S****aw**: I think I know a cure for that!
* **Ar****esko**: Walk through our maze and you'll feel better!
* **Two**: Okay!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*scoffs at Aresko*] Teacher's pet.
* **B****atter****y**: You're one to talk, Comrade Clock.

[*Two walks over to The Alefs' maze.*]

* **Two**: Squee-hee-hee!

[*The Alefs look at one another as Two takes their first step... and then their second, third, fourth* etc.]

* **Puffball**: Do you like it?
* **Nic****k****el**: We worked really hard on this.

[*Two exits the maze with a large smile.*]

* **Two**: I *love* it! This should be in every public place on the Equation Playground! Why, I feel like I'm going to— I'm going to...
* **Golf Ball**: *RUNNNNNN!*

[*With a ray of light,* **Two** *apparently disappears. Everyone gasps, as Two is gone.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Get out the party supplies, 'cause we've got to celebrate big time!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: But we can't do that now!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh yeah, there's the deniable sadness that comes with a host's sudden disappearance.
* **Bo****ok**: *And* both of our teams are up for elimination! What shall we do?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*looks around*] Oh. I guess that's our cue, Golf Ball.

### **Voting screen**

**Scene****Golf Ball** stands in front of a white backdrop with the pictures and names of the members of U and Vitas on it. **Tennis Ball** stands next to her.
* **Golf Ball**: Viewers! Vote in the comments using the letter *and* square brackets for whom you *don't* want to be eliminated! The one receiving the fewest votes will leave the show!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: To keep things fair, we can't tell you whom to vote for in particular. So you don't have to type *[P]* to save Tennis Ball if you don't want to.
* **Golf Ball**: And don't feel compelled to type *[M]* to save Golf Ball either.

[*As they say this, the words "Type [P] to save Tennis Ball" and "Type [M] to save Golf Ball" appear on the screen in front of the other names. They disappear a few seconds later.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: See you next episode!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*in the background*] Deviant elderlies.

[*Roll credits.*]

## Stinger

### **EXIT**

**Scene**Zoom out of the previous scene, revealing that this is being watched on Bracelety's television.
* **Bracel****ety**: Another good episode of... wait, what's this show called again?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You set up this telly all by yourself, programmed it to play stuff from the distant future and you don't even know the title of the programme we've been watching for weeks.
* **Bracel****ety**: Oh! I know! Ice Cube's show!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*tilting her head and rolling her eyes*] Sure, Bracelety.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, did you, like, see?
* **8****-****Ball**: That Basketball mentioned me and my lack of a favourite number? I thought that she would have forgotten me in favour of her new teammates on... [*deep voice*] U.
* **Ma****tch**: Don't get your, like, plastic in a twist.
* **8****-****Ball**: She even winked at me.
* **Ma****tch**: She remembers who you are; they're not, like, *that* far removed from Four's season.
* **8****-****Ball**: But it's 2028 in that universe.
* **St****a****py**: 2028? Where'd you get that year?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Yeah, 8-Ball, are you high? They said several times that it was 1980.
* **8****-****Ball**: I dislike seeing *8* in the ones place because I don't have a favourite number.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: For a second there you confused me.
* **St****a****py**: Well, if anyone here's confused, it's you, Match.
* **Ma****tch**: What?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, *Hades no*, Stapler! You are no match for *the* Match!

[*Match looks back at Pencil and then at Stapy. Silence.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Yeah!
* **St****a****py**: Come on, you're still denying that you saw Liy in the last episode, even though everyone else in the room did! [*turns around*] Right?
* **David**: Aw, seriously?
* **St****a****py**: See, David agrees.
* **Ma****tch**: But Liy can't appear in that universe; it's too, like, far away.
* **St****a****py**: Okay, Liy denier, why don't you ask her when she comes back?

[*Stapy gets up and opens the front door of the classroom.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Wait, she's coming?
* **St****a****py**: Yep.
* **Ma****tch**: And you can, like, smell her?
* **St****a****py**: Well, it's more like a sixth sense. Judging by her average walking speed, which I know by heart, she should be here in five, four, three, two, one—

[*The video stops here.*]

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

* This episode's "cake" was originally called simply a "macroscope". I changed it because that word actually refers to something else, something that's most certainly not a tiny physical version of Google Maps.
* Two was going to tell Naily (after singing "Monday Monday"), "No Mamas and Papas, only Twotwos and Tutus." I found that line to be quite abominable.
* Originally, Saw's "mood handle" turning pink was the result of a secret desire to dance at a time it would be inappropriate to do so, rather than no emotion prevailing.
* When Golf Ball and Basketball talk about women in power:

**Baske****t****ball**: I guess that makes sense. Wait, has your country ever had a woman president before?
**Golf Ball**: Why do you think I'm in charge?

* I was going to include a mini-scene with Tennis Ball wearing sunglasses to assert his position of authority to the other teammates in U—all in good fun, of course. That line (as well as one where Battery said "*Понял*" instead of "*Das ist klar*") were replaced with what you see above.

**T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: See? You might say my head is massive, but I can still rock a pair of shades!
**C****l****o****c****k**: Yeah, those are mine.

* I was going to include a flashback of Winner and Clock dressed up as hippies from the then-contemporary Nambassa festival, dancing outside at night when nobody else was watching (except Battery).
* Instead of "Galile-snow", the object version of Galileo would be called "Urinal-ileo". That's not nice!
* The post-credits scene was originally going to have Rubber Spatula talk to Pen about Liy and his quest to win Tree's heart. That was dropped, either temporarily (*i.e.*, it might be mentioned in a later episode) or permanently.
* Pencil was going to say "Pencilian underworld no" instead of "Hades no".

## Notes

1. ↑ They've actually got a name: wafterons.
2. ↑ Late BFB got really preachy. It's time to bring that back for the eighties! \*sees the predicted audience response\* Okay, maybe not.
3. ↑ I've forgotten that there were other places I used as location markers, "outside" being one of them.
4. ↑ What's the emotion at play when you're not feeling happy, sad, disgusted, angry or scared? That's right; it's nothing—Saw's default colour is pink.
5. ↑ It's not as bad as when he ate a cake covered in vomit in BFB 4.
6. ↑ Of course, if you are watching on a black and white television, the effect doesn't show.
7. ↑ Meta af.

**Fake TPOT** [V]