The Judge Election

***Warning: Contains swearing***

***Lots and lots of swearing***

## Chapter 1

Parker Household, Cavelton, New Jersey, United States

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

**Randall “Randy” Parker**: *Dad, what’s the occasion?*

**Alan B. Parker**: *Randy, I’m thinking of entering retirement. I think I’ve been a judge for far too fucking long.*

**Randy**: ***WHAT?!** Why are you retiring?*

**Alan**: *I’m getting old, Randy. And also nobody wants a senile and aggressive Irish-American asshole as a judge.*

**Randy**: *Dad, what do you think of me being a judge?*

**Alan**: *I’d think you’d be a great judge, Randy. But it’s not my decision, and everybody knows it.*

**Randy**: *Dad, what should I do to be the judge?*

**Alan**: *The best idea is to have Horace help you with it.*

**Randy**: *I think I’ll be fine without him this time.*

**Alan**: *You should let him help you. He’s not the one you should be concerned about.*

**Randy**: *Who should I be concerned about?*

**Alan**: *This guy named Reggie Black, do you know him?*

**Randy**: *I know a lot about him. He’s a politcal hack, an lousy lawyer, an all-around asshole, an homophobe and a terrible golfer! I can’t believe he wants to run for judge!*

(a few days later)

**Samuel Driver**: *Gloria, where the hell is Randy at!? He’s supposed to tell me if he’s running for his father’s seat as judge!*

**Gloria Sanchez**: *He’s told me already. He’s wants to run for his father’s seat.*

(seven minutes later)

**Randy**: *Sam, What do you think about Reggie Black?*

**Sam**: *He’s a sleazy, moronic and wealthy son-of-a-bitch. Most of his wealth comes from his wife.*

**Randy**: *Now I know why Horace wanted me to get married. He wanted me to be rich, but I told him that there’s more to life than money.*

## Chapter 2

(Meanwhile in Westview City, Ohio)

**ABC News Reporter #1**: *We need a few reporters to get information about that election for the Judge’s seat in Cavelton, New Jersey.*

**ABC News Reporter #2**: *Heather Parks and Todd Kelrast are the ones who’re going to do it.*

**ABC News Reporter #1**: *We need three people. You need to find a third person.*

**ABC News Reporter #2**: *Oh, you’re right………*

**ABC News Reporter #2**: *Chien! Get your yellow-skinned ass over here!*

(Heather “Chien” Parks walks over to ABC News Reporter #2)

**Heather “Chien” Parks**: *What is it?*

**ABD News Reporter #2**: *I need you to go to Camp Swampy for no reason and then go to Brooklyn, New York to find this guy named Lucas Bowen.*

**Chien**: *Wait, Why do you want me do to so?*

**ABC News Reporter #2**: *Never mind why, just find him or else **YOU’RE FUCKING FIRED!!***

(eighteen hours later, Chien is getting on board on an Spirit Airlines plane that’s supposedly headed for Brooklyn, New York)

(Midway through the flight, somebody takes a massive dump on one of the seats and flings the smelly poop everywhere, and nobody notices it (not even the staff) except for Chien, who’s struggling not to throw up)

(Somebody gets up and walks towards the bathroom, and then locks the door and starts peeing everywhere in the bathroom, gets out and then sits back down)

(Chien then runs towards the bathroom, opens the door, closes and locks the door, and pukes immediately for eighteen seconds after seeing how utterly disgusting the room is)

**Guy Who Peed Everywhere In The Bathroom**: *You shoulda got a flight from some other agency other than Spirit Airlines.*

(Chien walks out of the bathroom and then notices that nobody is coming to clean up the filth in the bathroom)

**Chien** (Still feeling nauseous): *Is anybody going to clean the bathroom up?*

**GWPEITB**: *You understand that this is Spirit Airlines, right? THERE ARE NO FUCKING JANITORS HERE.*

(Chien walks back to her seat and then decides to take a nap, but only ten minutes have passed when the co-pilot makes an announcement)

**Spirit Airlines Co-Pilot**: *Attention, passengers, We are 30 minutes from our destination. If you have anything to do, then for the love of god do **NOT** fling poop or get into fights with other passengers. We do not want the plane to smell like a mix of a Durian fruit, cat piss and roadkill.*

(Chien then goes back to sleep until the plane arrives in Camp Swampy, Connecticut, which isn’t the destination where Chien was supposed to be sent to, and then the co-pilot drags Chien out of the plane and onto the area near the Company B barracks)

**Spirit Airlines Co-Pilot** (cheerfully): *Thank you for flying Spirit Airlines! I hope you’ll want to choose any other airline than us!*

(Three more passengers walk out of the plane, and then the plane flies away, Chien then walks towards the Camp, wondering what the hell to do)