The Jackal's Journal

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## I'm Alive and That's the Important Part

2019, October 6th

What's good, journal? Haven't written in you since I sprained my wrist a couple years ago. Missing nationals back then sucked. I *really* thought that was the worst thing that would ever happen to me. It felt like it back then, but I got over it. I'm good now! Kinda good. Okay, I've been better. It's so easy to open up to you, journal, you're such a good listener. You must get tired of me ignoring you for months and then complaining. I'll write something happy for you next time, kay? I promise. Just need to vent cause I can't really tell other people all this stuff. Or I could, I guess, but it'd cause even more problems.
I got to go on a mission with The Jackal today. The real Jackal, not whatever I am. Jackal-in-training? Bargain-bin Jackal? Bagged-cereal Jackal? I dunno man. But I got to observe an election with her, and catch up a bit. I hadn't seen The Jackal since running into her at this helicarrier in Zodiac City. I went there with some Big Team peeps to get some videos off a computer, 'cause Godspeed's an asshole and told us we had to. But I got a bit ahead of the team and found out The Jackal had trashed the place before we got there. I didn't let anyone else on the team know, cause.. I dunno. It's weird. Everyone I've met on the team has been totally rad. I've trusted them with my life so many times already, and I've helped a lot of them too.
But it's hard to let people in, y'know? Like, you're not gonna narc on me journal, you're cool. But if I told people on the team that my mentor was destroying evidence and stuff? Videos that could help Godspeed figure out who was threatening him? I can't be the only person who thinks that sounds bad. Like... something a villain would do. But she's not a villain. The Jackal is SO scary, but like... she must have a good reason for keeping that information from Godspeed. And I don't know how to begin explaining that to other Big Team peeps. Seems like they all kinda hate Godspeed anyway, so maybe they wouldn't care. But like... I care, I guess. I hate that I care. Even if he's a tool, it's messed up to threaten someone's family. I want to help, but like, I'm not gonna narc on my mentor so... here we are.
Anyway, today's mission. The Jackal and I got to scare off some hecklers together. And hand out "I Voted" stickers. Things were going good until we split up. Some asshole, aka Rooster, set off some pink smoke bombs in the gym to scare off all the voters. We bailed everyone out of the building cause... y'know, not wanting to get the gym Zodiac'd. Manaline figured out that the bombs were a distraction to steal the ballot box, Mini and Alloy stopped a riot outside, and I was... kinda there. By the time we followed our lead to the Big High theater, The Jackal was losing a fight to this villain named Bandicoot, who had Very Big Claws. The Jackal's still the best fighter I've seen, but like... power matchups are not her thing. She got unlucky. And we should have got there earlier, but... we didn't. She was looking pretty gnarly by the time we showed up, and I made it worse by running straight in and swinging as hard as I could. Right into my human shield of a mentor. Pretty sure I broke a few of her ribs, and she'll have the "I'm so disappointed in you, Melody" face for the rest of her life, but she lived.
Well, it got worse before it got better. I tried to smack Bandicoot, missed again and got grabbed. Alloy broke the stage we were fighting on and knocked me free, but then he bailed and ran up to the roof with Mini and Manaline. They chased down Rooster and the ballot box, and apparently had a big convo about the importance of political representation, having your own voice, and owning up to your mistakes. Or something. I didn't catch too much of it, since I was still downstairs getting rocked by Bandicoot.
It's been two years since The Jackal took me in and trained me. She saw me when my powers first awoke, when all I could do was throw myself in front of attacks aimed at others, when I couldn't throw a punch to save my life or anyone else's. She told me that I could be the heir to her title, her fighting style, her whole legacy, that I just needed to train with her. That's some heavy stuff, and I believed her. So I'm so glad I couldn't see The Jackal's face today, two years later, when all I could do was throw myself in front of the Bandicoot and take big hits meant for her. I'm glad I couldn't see her face when Alloy came back and distracted Bandicoot long enough for me to finally get a hit in, and I... didn't take the shot. I mean... yikes. I trusted a villain that had been trying to kill me and my mentor to do the right thing, instead of trusting my mentor's judgment. Bandicoot did surrender, but like... I still don't know if that was the right choice. I still don't feel good about it. But I don't know if I would have felt worse about the alternative.
I guess the big problem for me, journal, is that I'm not sure what to do. I'm definitely not who The Jackal wants me to be. Being smart and ruthless and stuff just... doesn't come naturally to me. Maybe it never will. But I've been in so many situations now where I screwed up, and being like her would have helped me and the team. And stuff's been getting more dangerous and complicated lately. Whether I start trying to be who she wants me to be, or keep doing my thing and hope the Big Team keeps bailing me out, I feel like I'll have to decide soon either way.
Anyway, thanks for listening, journal. You're awesome. I'll let you know when I have something cool going on next time, and I promise not to spill tea on you anymore. Peace.
-Melody

## Caught Those Hands

October 26th, 2019
**The handwriting for this journal is messy and uneven**
Yo! Writing with my left hand cause the right's messed up a few more days. I got kinda bodied by Bloodshot tonight, and everything still hurts, but it was actually a pretty good day overall? Except for me and Aman almost dying, and Ernest getting a super bad headache and going blind for a bit, and finding out a kid's brother was actually not real or something. Being a superhero is weird.
But I made a new friend (yay!). Grim was super sweet and I liked hanging out with her a lot. Found out Ernest is also like, the best DDR player in Halcyon? Still haven't got to talk to him much, but he's really nice and he rocked this kid tonight... it was fun to watch. And getting to do hero stuff with Aman is always rad. Was hoping to show him how much better I've gotten at this whole superhero thing since he introduced me to Big Team, but he ended up saving me a lot instead. It usually makes me feel crappy when someone has to bail me out a lot, but it's different with Aman I guess. Felt more like... he was there to protect me and I was there to protect him, or something. I dunno. Just felt really happy to know we were there for each other.
After Bloodshot messed me up, Aman and Grim used their powers to heal me a bit too. I've never had that happen before. It felt... interesting? They were really different, but similar too. I was mostly awake when I woke up in Aman's arms and he used his power, and I just remember feeling really warm all over... almost like laying out at the beach or something. Just really warm and comforting, like his goofy smile. And I felt Grim holding my hand too, and her power felt colder. But not a bad cold... more like a cool breeze when you're walking somewhere at night. Like a refreshing breeze kinda thing? Cold, but... also comforting and calming, or something. It made me feel like maybe dying isn't that scary after all. Still don't plan on doing that for a long, long time though. At least until I've kicked Bloodshot's ass like, at least 100 times.
-Melody

The page is bookmarked by a small, folded piece of paper. On one end of this bookmark is the text of a printout reading:
HERO NAME: GRIM
REAL NAME: UNKNOWN
POWERS: FLIGHT, TELEPATHY, ?????
EXTENT OF POWERS AND GOALS UNKNOWN. OBSERVE FROM A DISTANCE.
EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

The other side of this folded paper contains three messy doodles:
1) A smiling, shirtless Aman.
2) Two floppy haired drawings of Ernest, one of the figures made of small lightning bolt squiggles, high-fiving each other.
3) A chibi version of Grim wearing her robes and scythe, with little hearts trailing behind her as she chases a stick figure labeled "AJ".

## Reflections

**March 17th, 2020**
Hi journal. Sorry for not writing in you for a while. If you had feelings, you’d probably be lonely from how much I ignore you. Is it possible to disappoint an inanimate object? I feel like if anyone could figure out how, it’d be me. Anyway I’m just gonna write what happened today and how I felt and stuff. They told us at school that writing in a journal can make you, like… feel better, I think. Or something. I’d rather just talk to someone about all this shit, but that’s not gonna happen cause all my friends are pissed at me or pissed at someone else or going through their own shit or hanging out with Seth and ignoring their phone :(
So: today’s Big Team stuff started with us showing up to a bank robbery. In broad daylight. I feel like robbing banks probably used to work a lot better or something, cause it seems like it still happens a lot, but I’ve never actually *seen* it work. Especially when none of the robbers have superpowers. But they sure tried. Verve, Bolt, and Renata were there with me, and we beat up on the robbers easily. Bolt turned on a sprinkler and a few robbers slipped on the water—that was pretty funny. Renata tried to use her powers to dry off the floor I think, but it just made the room really hot and steamy. And pissed off all the hostages. Honestly like, people pay money for that stuff? Saunas or whatever? And it’s still cold outside. I thought it was kinda nice. But the crowd was pissed, and went outside to stand in the cold and yell at us. They told us that the media was right, Big Team was bad for the city, Gambite was right, and the city would be safer without us. That other heroes should replace us. After we’d just fucking saved all of them, not to mention the whole city a few months ago.
I probably should have figured out today would be shitty once █████ Verve started yelling back at the crowd. Side note: I almost called her by her real name in front of the team. Holy shit that would have been bad. Just gonna scribble over her real name in case someone ever reads this journal.
Anyway, little tiny Verve called this crowd on their shit and it was great. Then some asshole threw his phone at us. I threw it back really hard and broke it more. If he’d stepped up, I feel like I might have thrown him too. Which is… I guess another sign today was going to go shitty. I’d never really understood why The Jackal never bothered interacting with the public… outside of saving them, I guess… but I figured it out today: it’s a waste of time. Literal actual thousands of people would be exploded right now if we hadn’t stopped Gambite, and the public still hates us. Why bother trying to make people like that happy? I’ll still save them, but if they’re gonna hate us anyway, why bother trying to make them enjoy being saved?
Speaking of The Jackal, she asked me to bring the team on an infiltration mission again. AEGIS wanted us for something, and she doesn’t trust AEGIS and wanted us to get more info from them. Which… I mean, not like I expected her to like AEGIS (why start liking stuff now), and I already knew they’re a little fishy cause I saw HELIX gear in their cache on a previous mission. I haven’t actually run into HELIX, but Aman’s told me enough. They should be breaking HELIX shit, not storing it. The Jackal also said that I do better when working with a team, which was… that actually made me happy. She’s always told me that the team drags me down or whatever, but she was with us when we fought Bloodshot. I think she gets it now. That Big Team has been good for me.
The Jackal was just… being herself when talking to the team, and Bolt and Verve yelled at her a lot. Bolt was great, and his.. hacking, I think? Super useful. But I kept staring at his robot bird. It had these sick eyes and was just… rad as shit. Totally looked like something a stylish supervillain would have. Which… apparently was the case, and Bolt had taken it. So… good for him, and good for Wingnut.
So, as much as █████Verve standing up to the crowd/The Jackal was cool and I wish she did it more cause she’s awesome and shouldn’t take shit from anyone, that’s totally not her and I knew something was wrong. And fuck. A TON of shit was wrong!
First, she told me that Ernest found out about her real identity and isn’t talking to her anymore. I knew Verve for all of 5 minutes before I found out her real identity, so I guess I don’t know what it feels like to have someone lie to you about that. Maybe I’d be pissed like Ernest too, in his situation. But I just… she’s one of the nicest people I know. And she cares about everyone so much. I can’t really imagine being mad at her for long. I hope Ernest feels the same. I wanted to talk to him about that, and how it feels to lose control of your powers and hurt people on accident (more on that later), cause I know he could relate… but he’s ghosted our last couple training sessions. He apologized after, but like… I don’t know if I said or did something to piss him off, or if he’s mad that I’m friends with Verve or something. Probably both. I’ve never been good at keeping friends, so… figures I’d fuck that one up.
Then █████ugh Verve told me that Carm was mad at her still. But I literally saw Carm spray paint herself and Verve beating up baddies last week at the base, so… they prolly just need to hug it out or something.
Ellen was a surprise though. Fucking… wow. Verve said that Ellen was being rude to her, and not letting Verve hug her, and not talking to her now or something? Like… Ellen’s been really distant lately, and barely at home, but I’ve been telling myself that she’s just busy with Carm. I mean… I know something’s been wrong since last month, but she hasn’t told me, and she’ll probably get pissed at me if I push. But… fuck it. She’s been acting really weird, and I’ve been worried about her the whole time. And hurting Verve is… that’s not her. Something’s really not right. Not in the mood to deal with that tonight, but… this weekend, at the latest.
Also, Verve said Boon was going to die last week??? That’s… news. I wish people told me these things. I probably should have followed up on that, but the Ellen thing really fucked me up. Would it be too soon to text someone “hey heard you almost died, glad you didn’t, when are you rejoining the band?”.
So AEGIS showed up and we took this cool plane to another base of theirs. We met their Director, who was this super cool lady named Director Hussain. Also, Kenneth was there again. He’s definitely my favorite AEGIS worker person, he’s really really nice. I guess 2nd is a tie between Director Hussain and Agent Donner? They’re both pretty cool. Agent Carson is whatever number last place is.
We talked a little, and the Director offered us an AEGIS sponsorship deal. If we agreed to work for them, or accept missions from them or whatever, they said they’d fix up the team base and talk to the media about making everyone not hate Big Team anymore. And… that honestly didn’t seem like a bad deal to me. I think if I wasn’t still pissed about phone-throwing dude, I might have said yes. But I was still pretty upset, and Bolt and Verve were not on board, so the Director left us in a room to talk about it as a team. I probably should have explained stuff to Renata too, she seemed quiet and kinda confused. Sometimes she knows really cool stuff and sometimes she just… doesn’t know really basic things. Like… I probably should have asked her if she knew what a sponsorship was. But again, I was pissed BEFORE I found out most of my friends are fighting or mad at me or dying or whatever, and it only got worse. So I wasn’t thinking right today.
The room we were in was bugged, so Verve rode around on Bolt’s shoulders to yell at the cameras and they both shut them off. Then Bolt hacked (I think? Maybe magic hacking like Manaline does? I need to ask him how his stuff works) these monitors, which started showing all the files that AEGIS had on Big Team. Turns out they really did their homework, cause they had something on all of us. Mine said I was dangerous but also highly sought after for recruitment? That actually made me feel good, but I didn’t get to think about it too much cause I saw they also had DNA samples of mine? Which… fucking creepy, I didn’t give them permission for that. Verve told me later that they knew her real identity, so… worst case scenario, I go to every AEGIS base in the world and break all their computers. There can’t be THAT many, right…?
Director Hussain noticed Bolt had hacked into the monitors, but then the wall exploded and the room started filling with smoke. I’d already sorta explained smoke dude and mirror lady to everyone, but forgot to explain their powers (whoops), so I did that while I ran in to look for mirror lady. I knew she’d try to copy someone’s powers and appearance again to try and trick us, and… yep, she copied me again. At least my strength and speed and stuff. But she’s not a great hand-to-hand fighter, so I got her in an armbar right away. She ran away last time I beat her up, so I made sure she couldn’t escape this time. Except… Renata showed up. And couldn’t tell us apart. So she decided to shoot a fireball between us. She was nice enough to warn us, but I wasn’t gonna give up my armbar on Mirror cause I knew she wanted to run away. Which happened anyway, cause fireballs actually really hurt and make it hard to keep up an armbar. So Mirror got out of my hold, and Renata made a fire circle to trap us both in there. Side note 2: If I’d thought about this more after last time, we really should have made a codeword or something in case someone copied our appearances. Like, to tell the real person from the fake one? We should change the word every week too. I think the first week should be ‘Wingnut’.
Verve and Bolt were fighting smoke dude the whole time, but it sounded like they hashed some stuff out, cause the smoke disappeared and the dude tried to convince us that AEGIS was doing shady shit and creating superpowered agents or something. But people signed up to get superpowers, so it wasn’t like HELIX just straight up kidnapping people. He made it sound like they were getting up to other (worse?) stuff, but he wouldn’t tell us what. Then he took turns insulting everyone on the team, like… pointing out me losing control of my shadow chains at Clashopolis and hurting Vyle. I tried not to let on, but that really fucking hurt. I didn’t mean to injure Vyle that badly... and I’ve been beating myself up about it all week. More on that soon.
We decided not to help them piss off AEGIS, so smoke dude attacked us all again. I saw Renata get decked by mirror lady, but everything else was a blur for a bit. I remember feeling this burning all over me, and my vision going dark, then just… coldness. And suddenly, my shadow chains were going nuts again, smashing the room and almost hitting Bolt and Verve. Then I saw Bolt being attacked by smoke dude, and Renata knocked out, and I just… saw smoke dude was totally distracted with Bolt. Totally vulnerable. And all of my anger from earlier in the day… being frustrated at the crowd, sad and scared about my friends fighting, wanting to protect Bolt and Verve and Renata… and that sneer in smoke dude’s voice when he talked about losing control of my powers. I felt like this was the sort of thing The Jackal trained me to do… to channel those emotions into taking out a threat. So I tried to do that. I tried to control my chains and use them to pull smoke dude off Bolt and overwhelm him so that he couldn’t escape this time.
It worked. Way too well. It was too easy. And I’ve been hearing his… screaming in pain still, even after the fight ended, and mirror lady took him away to get treated. I’m afraid to go to sleep because I know I’ll hear it there too.
Verve tried to calm me down after smoke dude was knocked out, and it worked. She's really good at calming me down when I get worked up. But she said something to me while my chains were breaking the building apart that I can't stop thinking about:
“They’re your powers. They don’t control you. They don’t have a mind of their own.”
I’ve thought my shadow chains did have a mind of their own this whole time. Sometimes I feel like they want to help, to go in a certain direction, to do something I don’t want. Like hurting Ernest in that vault. Or hurting Vyle more than I’d wanted to. Or… the stuff today with smoke dude. And I told myself they had a mind of their own, cause I couldn’t handle the alternative. But… maybe Verve is right. Maybe I need to accept that.
Maybe I do want to hurt people. Maybe everything The Jackal taught me finally sunk in. Maybe that’s why she picked me… maybe I am really like her. I thought I was pretty different, but… I don’t know what else would make sense.
Verve offered to help me train my powers after we told AEGIS that we weren’t accepting their offer for now, so I’ll definitely take her up on that. Especially since Ernest doesn’t want to train with me anymore.
I’m glad Renata’s okay too. She seemed really out of it and not happy with the team, but guess I can’t blame her. I’d be having second thoughts about staying on the team if I had to go on missions with me too.
-Melody

okay fine I should probably practice once in a while too
[A messy doodle of a robot bird with sinister glowing eyes is at the bottom of the page.]

## Lights in the Night

**April 11th, 2020**
HI JOURNAL!
So today was completely fucking wild and my side still kinda hurts from getting stabbed by a grim reaper but honestly it ended up being a really awesome day? So much scary-ass terrifying wonderful amazing shit happened and I have no idea where to start and it’s already super late but I’m SO EXCITED and I can’t fall asleep still. I wanna write about all the awesome stuff right away but I should probably start at the beginning.
So I guess today started with a dream? I thought it was just a weird dream, but it turned out to be one of those prophetic dreams or whatever. I mean, it was definitely still weird? I was at school (but not running late for a test or naked, so that was a plus). Someone was writing on a board in I think hieroglyphs and Japanese and English. Not sure if they all meant the same thing, but the English one said “Justice to the end. Justice after the end.” Which… no clue what that means still. The person writing it turned into The Jackal, then into an actual jackal-person, then into the Jackals and said something was possessing me. That was news to me, and I still didn’t get it at all cause I felt fine then, but it turns out they were right! Still kinda right. Maybe.
Anyway, I saw The Jackal’s cape, Yamato’s sword, and a scythe on a wall before waking up. I’ve fought Yamato before so I did recognize her katana, but I couldn’t figure out who the scythe was supposed to belong to. Honestly I’ve only fought one person/entity/immortal being that used a scythe, so I probably should have pieced that together, but my 7AM-on-a-weekend brain is not the best.
After getting up, we (Ellen Atlanta and me) helped mom and dad set up the Passover barbecue thing my parents do every year. It’s not like an actual Passover thing, we had Seder a few days ago and there isn’t any religious stuff at this, it’s just sort of an excuse to invite people over and hang out. I was really excited for the barbecue this year, cause the Isars always come but I didn’t really have any other friends besides Aman to invite last year. I guess I did invite Gina from volleyball but she said she was busy, so the one last year was pretty quiet. But this year I had other friends to invite so it felt a lot more… special? I guess it’s like, hella dorky to be excited about a party that your parents are throwing, but I was pretty fucking stoked for it and it was really fun.
Aman, Mishel, Mr. and Mrs. Isar, and Uncle H were the first ones to show up, and they brought kheer (which was AMAZING as always). Aman was wearing one of his ‘nice’ (aka very dorky) outfits that his mom makes him wear for special events. I sorta wanted to give him crap for it like I do every time he has to dress up, but I’ve been having trouble teasing him as much lately. Partly cause I still don’t wanna kick him while he’s down after having lost the Eye, and partly cause his family destroys him regularly anyway, but mostly cause it’s been harder to tease him since I realized I like him.
So after the Isars, HERO ONE AND DAYBREAK SHOWED UP (I still can’t believe they’re both related to Atlanta!) along with Jasper and Mr. James, and Ernest and his mom came too. Ernest seemed really worried about running into Hero One. I tried to explain to him that Hero One wasn’t really trapped for 50+ years in Reaper One’s pockets (or at least it didn’t feel like 50+ years to them), and that of course none of that was Ernest’s fault, but I don’t think that made him feel any better.
Other than that, I spent a lot of the barbecue trying to help cook. Uncle H teased me about whether I liked Aman (I’m *positive* he already knew and just wanted to mess with me). I’d wanted to spend more time with everyone when I got a phone call from The Jackal. She said that she’d made progress studying Shadow Halcyon when I heard a bunch of loud noise on the other end and the call cut.
Then the shadowy tendrils shot up into the sky across the city, super huge and visible even from our house, and I already knew they were coming from The Jackal’s medlab. I started freaking out and I knew I needed to go help her, and I figured I’d need lots of help if bad shit was going down and it was related to Shadow Halcyon. And, also, I needed to sneak out of the barbecue somehow without my parents figuring out me and all my friends were heading straight into that.
Uncle H ended up saving the day with I think the weirdest possible excuse. I’m still not sure what “Teenage Juice Party” was supposed to mean, but I guess it's a 90s thing cause everyone’s parents bought it? So me and Atlanta and Ernest and Uncle H hopped into my van while Ellen and Aman road Ellen’s bike, and we raced off to The Jackal’s medlab.
Ellen and Aman got to the medlab overrun with shadow tendrils first and honestly those two were probably the worst two to get there first? Since I can control shadow chains, and Ernest has blown them up with his lightning before, and I know Atlanta can do lightning stuff so I figured she could blow them up too (turns out: yep!). I have literally no idea how Ellen managed to drive her bike through the giant warehouse full of them and into the teleportal, but she did. I really need to get more driving lessons from her, cause *damn*.
The rest of us got there eventually and Uncle H insisted on coming with us even though he doesn’t have powers. Which I didn’t like, but when do adults listen to me anyway? I was just worried he’d get hurt too, but I sometimes forget he used to be a pretty big deal when he was a hero, so he can still take care of himself. The shadow coming from the medlab was going nuts though, and I managed to control it even though I was freaking out cause Ernest was coaching me through controlling my powers and breathing and stuff. I was really glad he was there and that we’ve trained so much on getting used to powers, cause the last few weeks have really been the first time that I’ve been comfortable controlling shadows and doing bigger stuff with them (even if Ernest and Atlanta and others have had to bail me out a lot). So I got us into the medlab, Atlanta got us to the teleportal, and we jumped into a busted-ass portal to Shadow Halcyon.
And… Ellen was there, with a crashed bike, unconscious without Aman or The Jackal in sight. Gonna be super honest, there were multiple times today where I wanted to cry (and lots of times where I did), and I was on the verge of absolutely losing it until Ellen woke up (she’s badass and was fine), and Ernest said he sensed breathing in a building nearby. Since gravity is all kinds of fucked up in Shadow Halcyon and Seth wasn’t around to make ice bridges this time, I made a bridge of shadow chains and it got us to a building where The Jackal was passed out. Atlanta checked her out and said she was okay, and I was super glad that Atlanta was there too (note to self: hit up Atlanta for first aid training after hitting up Ellen for more driving lessons). Uncle H said he’d get The Jackal out of there and I was still absolutely losing my shit inside cause Aman wasn’t there, but it was fine cause he suddenly flew in through the wall!
Followed by REAPER FUCKING ONE.
Also I know they technically aren’t Reaper One now since they aren’t possessing Hero One anymore? But I don’t have the vocal range to sing their real voice or whatever, and even less clue how you’d spell that. And calling them “The Reaper” doesn’t sit right with me cause Grim is always gonna be The Reaper to me. I mean, I talked to Grim about it a bit when she was around and she said there were other reapers, and I’m sure most of them are cool like Grim, but this particular reaper is just a giant asshole. So I’m not gonna call them “The Reaper” cause they give reapers a bad name.
Anyway, Reaper One was there and apparently had been looking for me of all people cause my energy is something they’d wanted? And it wasn’t until right then that I realized why Ernest had been so scared of Reaper One all this time. I mean, I was there just the same as Ernest was when all the bad Reaper One shit went down in 1955, but I guess since it wasn’t my power that they’d wanted or been able to use, I didn’t get that same sense of like, personal fear or whatever. But I definitely got it this time.
I was pretty sure we had no chance in a fight against them (especially if they could possess Atlanta and get pocket powers again), and that we were all gonna die, so I told Reaper One that they could take me if they let everyone else go. And I mean, it’s not like I’d have just given up? I’d still have tried to fight or run away by myself. Probably fight. But I’ve seen what Reaper One is capable of, and they’re the strongest thing I’ve ever fought. And the thought of losing my friends… of Aman or Ellen being gone, of Atlanta or Ernest being possessed forever… that honestly seemed scarier than dying to me. And I’d give anything to make sure that never happens.
Luckily for me, none of my friends were having my panic bullshit and they stepped up to protect me from Reaper One. Seeing them all do that got my head back in the game just in time to block a scythe sweep from Reaper One meant for them. I mean, I sorta blocked the scythe by getting stabbed myself, but nobody else got stabbed! So that could have gone worse. Aman yelled really loud after I got stabbed and summoned the Staff of the Eclipse and hit Reaper One with it, and it was pretty fucking rad.
Then Atlanta got possessed, which is just about every fear I’ve ever had rolled into one moment. I noticed Ernest losing it right before I locked up too, cause Atlanta getting possessed was like literally the worst thing I could think of happening in that moment and I'm sure Ernest felt the same way. So I froze, and Reaper One/Atlanta reached into my head and pulled out a big shadow. It felt super surreal, like I couldn’t move while it was happening, but I do remember seeing all this going on in front of me. Luckily Ellen was there and was, as always, a complete fucking badass and knocked Reaper One out of Atlanta.
Then the shadow that got pulled out of my head turned into YAMATO. Who I guess had been hitchhiking in me since I had gone to 1955? I blacked out for just a second when I fought her back then, and I thought she’d just run away then. But nope, she was just hiding in my body and waited for the absolutely worst imaginable possible time to hop out and fight us. So now we were fighting against two immortal supervillains.
The fight against them is still a blur. I remember thinking I needed to wreck as much shit as possible as quickly as possible and it didn’t matter what happened to me, so I used the shadow technique I’ve been working on with The Jackal. I remember socking Reaper One as hard as I could, fighting with Aman’s staff a bit (also note to self: tell Aman to fight with it more, it looks rad as shit and it’s weighted very well). The building definitely started falling up into the sky at some point and Ernest pulled Reaper One out of there with a bunch of wind. Then Aman almost got stabbed by Yamato, and I tried to protect him.
Then Yamato possessed me.
I’ve never been as scared as I was right then. I could still see everything, still feel myself moving and hear my voice, but it wasn’t me doing it, and I felt completely trapped and helpless. I was hoping Aman would run away, or maybe try to punch me like Ellen did with Atlanta to knock Reaper One out of her.
Instead, he tried to kiss me.
I really didn’t know that he likes me too until then. I mean, we’ve been extra close lately, but we’ve always been close so it was hard to tell if stuff had changed. And I want to be madder at him cause what he did was SO DANGEROUS and there were SO many other times and ways he could have told me that didn’t involve him almost getting stabbed. And I think I’d honestly be more mad at him if Ernest hadn’t done something even dumber a few minutes later?
But… Aman likes me too. And even with Yamato possessing me, I felt how happy that made me. And I knew then that there was a part of me deep inside that she couldn’t take control of. Don’t know if it was happiness, or wanting to protect him, or wanting to kick Yamato’s ass really bad, or love or whatever, but I just focused on that feeling as I trapped Yamato inside me. And I don’t like… feel her pushing back, or really doing anything, so I think I did a good job sealing her away. Maybe cause we both have shadow powers, my stuff works better on her? No idea. But I feel great now and felt great right then.
So I kissed Aman. And I mean, the building we were in was falling up into the sky and Reaper One was still around and I probably should have been focusing on all of us not dying. But I just really wanted to kiss him. Guess I really can’t get mad at him for doing the same thing.
On the subject of people I CAN get mad at: Ernest. He did stop the building from falling into infinity, which was cool. Then Reaper One peaced out and we all decided to head back to Halcyon City. The Jackal had woken up at this point and I saw her putting on her mask again, and under it was The Coyote… the same one I’d met in 1955. Still very confused how time travel works, cause… nah. Not gonna think about it too hard right now. But I did get to invite her to our barbecue after, so I hope she can start being more comfortable being herself now that her secret’s out.
After we’d all decided to get the fuck out of there, Ernest flew after Reaper One and chased them into their pocket dimension. By himself. I… man. He can be hotheaded sometimes, but this was something else. He had no idea that Reaper One’s scythe could even hurt them, and I’m pretty positive he wasn’t thinking that Atlanta could get the rest of us to the pockets with the gems she picked up recently. And I mean… holy shit, it actually worked and he reaped Reaper One and that was maybe the coolest thing I’ve ever seen? Not sure what that does, actually. Maybe sends them back to the afterlife? Maybe Grim and the other cool reapers threw them into reaper jail or something. I hope so. I’d like to never think about them coming back.
Fortunately for Ernest (and all of us), Atlanta was able to get us out of the pockets before they collapsed. Everything was okay (except for Ellen's bike, but it still looks pretty good all things considered). Reaper One is gone, at least for now, hopefully forever. Yamato… well, *a* Yamato is trapped in me, hopefully forever too. At least until I figure out a way to yank her out so I can punch her more.
We went back home to the barbecue after and GWEN WAS THERE! I missed her a lot. The Jackal showed up out of costume and Hero One seemed really happy to see her, so that was cool. Tay and Boon came a bit later and we actually got to play Flex Girls songs, which I loved and missed a ton with people leaving and quitting and coming back and stuff lately. The rest of the party rocked.
Then… after the party. Aman asked if I wanted to hang out together and go into town, like… for a date kind of thing. Just to talk and stuff about what had happened earlier. And of course I wanted to. But I also just wanted a nice quiet place to talk and Halcyon City usually isn’t that, so I drove us to Halcyon Nature Reserve. There’s a hiking trail there that I checked out when Ernest bailed on training last month, but I’ve actually been coming back there by myself lately when I need to meditate and stuff. The trail is like, super pretty and has this amazing view of Halcyon’s skyline, especially at night when everything is all lit up.
And I mean, the trail is technically closed at sundown, but when have minor crimes stopped anyone on Big Team? So we hiked it together and once we got to the plateau with the extra good view, I threw a blanket on the ground and we just laid down and looked at the skyline in the distance and talked. Aman told me he liked me, and I told him I liked him. And we were both worried about making stuff weird or messing up our friendship and that’s why we hadn’t told each other yet. And he was worried cause he hadn’t had good luck telling people how he felt about them before. I know that's something he thinks about a lot still. I haven’t really been in that situation though, I guess. I hadn’t even kissed anyone before today.
But I asked him out. He said yes. Then we had another first kiss (second kiss?).
We ended up just sorta laying there and holding hands and talking for a while after that. And kissing more, which I’m liking a lot already. Eventually we went back into Halcyon and got falafel wraps from that all-night shop near the Halcyon Needle. I always forget there’s a picture of Flick on the wall there shoving like 3 wraps into his mouth at once. What a goober.
I’ll never forget today. But this took long enough to write that I’m finally crashing, so… good night, journal. Take care bud.
-Melody

## Planner and Daily Reflections

**Late April-Early May, 2020**
**April 30th, 2020**5:00am Wake up5:10am Roadwork6:00am Shadow boxing *(make actual shadows fight you next time??)*6:30am Shower, breakfast, get to school7:20am Finish homework before classes start8:00am-1:30pm School stuff1:30pm-3:30pm Kick ass at volleyball3:30pm-4:30pm Gym with Ernest4:30pm-5:30pm Danger room with Aman5:30pm-6:30pm Dinner with Aman *(would it be weird to have dinner IN the danger room?)*6:30pm-8:00pm Chill with Ellen and Atlanta8:00pm-8:10pm Let Renata know about homework for history class8:10pm-8:30pm Check in with The Jackal, see if any solo missions tonight *(phew, nope)*8:30pm-10:00pm Finish Ellen and Tay’s shades, get some unmarked non-sequential bills for them from 1992 and before *(almost finished shades, but they actually destroy old cash? what a waste)*10:00pm SLEEP
Knocked it out of the park today! But maybe I should have made 1992 passports for Ellen and Tay. I guess Ellen wouldn’t need one, but Tay might? Too late though, I’m sure they’ll figure it out. Nervous as fuck for tomorrow but excited for them too.
**May 1st, 2020**5:00am Wake up5:10am Roadwork6:00am Shadow boxing *(keep working on the actual shadow thing)*6:30am Shower, breakfast, get to school7:20am Finish homework before classes start8:00am-2:30pm School stuff2:30pm-4:30pm FINISH COMMUNICATOR SHADES YOU HAD ONE JOB4:30pm-?? Say goodbye, tell Ellen how much she means to you, don’t worry about being corny and shit
This hurts way fucking more than I ever thought it would. Maybe she wouldn’t feel like she needed to leave if I’d noticed earlier. If I’d been a better friend. If I’d been there for her when she really needed it.
**May 2nd, 2020**Aman held me all night and made me eat today but I don’t feel like doing anything else. What’s the point anymore.
**May 3rd, 2020**We had a mission today and I couldn’t protect Aman or Focus. They both got knocked out and are lucky nothing worse happened. All these powers and I’m not good enough. I’ve never been good enough.
**May 4th, 2020**
Told Mom and Dad about Ellen being gone forever. They said I could miss school today so I did. They offered to get me a cat but I don’t really want a pet right now.
The Jackal asked me to monitor some things while she was away tonight. It was way harder than I thought and I couldn’t keep track of everything. I asked Renata, Seb, Whiz, and Phalanx to look into one of things but it ended up being super dangerous and Seb and Phalanx got hurt. Renata made it sound like if Savior hadn’t just happened to be there, everyone might have got REALLY injured. Or worse.
They were a great team and made it work, but it was my fault for sending them there unprepared. I’m sick of letting everyone down.
I miss Ellen so much.
I told Aman I’m fine now. He didn’t believe me. I told him I’m going to miss school for a bit and I think he’s mad at me now.
**May 5th, 2020**
4:00am Wake up4:10am-6:00am Roadwork6:00am-7:00am Shadow boxing7:00am Eat7:05am-9:15am Gym (strength)9:15am-12pm Gym (cardio)12pm Eat12:05pm-4:00pm Danger room (max difficulty)4:00pm-5:00pm Read The Jackal’s files and dossiers5:00pm-7:30pm Spar with The Jackal7:30pm-12:00am Patrol12:00am Sleep
Keep doing this every day till it doesn’t hurt anymore.

## Time Goes On

**May 7th-May 23rd, 2020**
**May 7th, 2020 (Thursday)**
4:00am Wake up4:10am-6:00am Roadwork6:00am-7:00am Shadow boxing7:00am Eat7:05am-9:15am Gym (strength)9:15am-12pm Gym (cardio)12pm Eat12:05pm-4:00pm Danger room (max difficulty)~~4:00pm-5:00pm Read The Jackal’s files and dossiers5:00pm-7:30pm Spar with The Jackal7:30pm-12:00am Patrol12:00am Sleep~~
Aman brought me my homework today while I was in the Danger Room. He was kinda pissed at me for skipping school and pushing myself too hard. Well, not really pissed. More like, super worried? Which is way worse! We talked a lot and I fell asleep on him and honestly it was probably the best sleep I’ve ever had. I really needed it after the last few days.
I got so caught up in feeling bad about Ellen and Tay being gone and trying to deal with that by myself that I didn’t realize I was making him worry so much. So I’m really glad he called me on what I was doing. I know I was making it worse for myself, and he’s hurting too and I just, like… added onto that. I’ll figure out how to make it up to him sometime. I’m just so glad I have him and that we’re dating now. It’s way more special and amazing and shit than I ever thought it would be. I can see why like half the songs in existence are about this kinda stuff.
I should thank Ernest too. I know he’s also bummed about Ellen and Tay being gone, and he still came to train with me when I was going WAY too hard. Dude kept up too. He’s a champ. And even if we didn’t have a big conversation about feelings and stuff, it just always helps to know your best friends are there for you even when you’re not doing so hot.
I’m gonna skip school one more day just to sleep in and recover and catch up on homework and stuff, but I’ll head back on Monday. My schedule’s gonna be weird as shit this month so I’ll just give up on writing it out until it settles down again. But Coach Shevchenko said that writing about your feelings strengthens your soul which strengthens your body or something… I’m always a little confused what she means. But she sounded pretty sure of it and she’s usually right, so I’ll still try to write if I have a thought or something neat happened.
**May 8th, 2020 (Friday)**
Went to FunZone with mom and dad. It’s always SO weird to go places in the middle of a school day! It’s like a totally different town. It was pretty fun though, we got churros and played mini-golf. I still dunno what Atlanta and Ellen’s problem with FunZone was. Maybe they didn’t do mini-golf?
Speaking of Atlanta, she hasn’t texted since before Ellen and Tay left. But she’s still posting on Chitter, so I think she’s fine. I guess I kinda hoped hanging out on Fridays would still be a thing even if Ellen was gone, but I guess not. Always kinda wondered whether Atlanta would want to hang out with me in the first place if Ellen hadn’t been here, so… question answered, I guess. I should probably hang out with people not on the team sometimes too, that’d probably be healthy. Maybe next week.
**May 10th, 2020 (Sunday)**
**S4E66 Double Date**
Well… Ellen and Tay are back, and older, and future-y, and they wanna leave again ASAP I think, and just… I’ve seen some weird fucking shit since joining Big Team, but today might be the weirdest. Time traveling Bishop robots, Dr. Puerta de Corazon… I got attacked by a younger version of The Jackal… I saw Dragon for the first time and fought him… the Jackals showed up and helped me (that was rad)… the entire Bishop facility we were in crushed into a tiny black hole time cube thing. But Ellen and Tay being back is still the weirdest part of that.
I was just sorta starting to get used to them being gone and now they’re suddenly back, but probably not for long. And they’re… different. I mean, Tay seemed pretty much the same except for a bunch of awesome cyborg parts and a rad phone? She absolutely shredded this white time-travely Rubicon in one hit, it was  sick. And she made a barrier thing to keep me from falling into a time portal, and made me some stairs and a launcher so that I could sock Definitely-not-Doorheart, so that was rad too. Always love teaming up with her.
Ellen was… very different. Seemed friendlier in general but like, pretty distant when I was trying to talk to her. Definitely didn’t feel like when she was here last week. She said time travel made her tired, which tracks in my experience, but Ellen and Tay said it’d been a couple years for them too.
I like… just barely moved to Halcyon two years ago, and I didn’t join Big Team until a few months ago. I was a totally different person two years ago. And I guess Ellen is now too. I don’t know if like… she was just tired and I misinterpreted everything. Or if this place is boring and she’d rather be anywhere else. Or if she’s just more mature now and I’m some goober friend she outgrew and doesn’t want to hang out with anymore. I mean, I was expecting her to come home with me and she didn’t even consider it, I think. I dunno. I dunno how to feel. Pretty sure there’s no self-help book for this situation?
I ended up hanging out with Shade the rest of the day and having a sleepover at her apartment, which does somehow exist. She was a complete badass on our mission together, and afterwards she realized I wasn’t doing totally great after the weird time traveling friend situation? And asked if I was okay and wanted to hang out. I’m still really bad at expressing emotional stuff, but I really appreciated it and I hope she got that. It’s always really nice to know someone cares. Even if she jokes around a lot, I think Shade’s actually really sweet and sensitive. And a fucking blast to hang out with. She’s a really good person. I really need to hang out with her more outside of band practice.
**May 11th, 2020 (Monday)**
Texted Atlanta and Ernest about yesterday’s mission and Ellen/Tay stuff. I guess Atlanta kinda didn’t handle Ellen and Tay leaving well either. I’m glad she’s doing a little better now. I should probably try talking to people more about how they’re feeling instead of reading into it a lot and completely fucking that up?
[note to self: TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT FEELINGS MORE.]
**May 13th, 2020 (Wednesday)**
Patrol night with Aman was really fun. I mean, it always is, cause worst case scenario we don’t find anything bad happening and we just use that time to hang out. Which is exactly what happened.
**May 15th, 2020 (Friday)**
Went to the skate park with Hana after school and she started teaching me how to ride. It was really fun! I mean, it’s not the same as pancake night with Ellen and Atlanta, but I just… need to accept that things change, I guess. Hana’s cool as shit and fun to chill with, so I’ll ask her if we can keep doing this for a while. Not like I have anything else happening on Friday nights now, and Atlanta was right… it hurts not to have something.
**May 17th, 2020 (Sunday)**
**S4E71 The Beacons Are Lit!**
Today was pretty standard Big Team stuff. And by that, I mean “steal some shit to prevent Gwen from losing a deal with faeries and getting trapped in an ice block in Canada for a year”. Y’know. Business as usual.
Got to team up with Shade again (yay more hanging out! Need to do this more!) and Bolt. Love that dude and his rad fucking robots. He made a fire-breathing flying Lugnut hologram in the Danger Room, which was AWESOME to fight and I hope it’s like, permanently uploaded or something. Cause again, awesome. And definitely beats some of the other villain holograms in there. I mean, you can only punch the members of Cryme with a Y so many times before it loses its spark.
Anyway, Atlanta was at the base too and let us know about Gwen’s situation, which required us to steal some robot power core thing. And to get around fast. I’ve never gotten to drive the Baroness before, and I’ve never got to drive a car that went over 65mph, so knocked both of those out pretty early after Bolt talked to the Baroness and figured out how to put her back together.
Then we went to a Bishop facility and decided to sneak in (finally! I train so much for this but we almost never try!) and I got to make some fun disguises for everyone. So we walked in the front door and… long story short: Bolt sabotaged the Rubicon White production line (it was hilarious), Shade snatched one of the Rubicon batteries we needed (really glad she remembered this cause I sure as hell didn’t), and Atlanta pocketed the other battery and accidentally pocketed herself too (AAAAAH BAD). I kinda panicked and managed to use my powers to get to her and get her out, but it was really dicey and I dunno if I could do that again. Also her powers are getting stronger, which I guess makes sense, but that’s hella dangerous too. I’d probably be actually freaking out if Reaper One wasn’t gone, but since they are, it’s just something to keep an eye on I guess.
We got a ukulele from Sam (really) and drove to Canada. Well… drove’s a nice word for it. We got there. Gwen was there and we played some songs for some faeries and they let Gwen go, and we roadtripped back to Halcyon after. We also got in a bar fight with some Leafs fans. I regret nothing.
**May 20th, 2020 (Wednesday)**
**S4E74 Get Drywalled! [NOT CLICKBAIT]**
Got to sneak into St. Smithton’s again (it’s been a while!) to play some pranks on kids there. I’m not really sure how hero-like this was, but Ernest and Kurt and Cypher were going anyway and it sounded fun. And it was! The charcuterie boards in the cafeteria were awesome too.
**May 22nd, 2020 (Friday)**
**S4E75 Disaster Pay**
After the mission today I have lots of thoughts about the intricacies of Consortium magic, the cruelness of capitalism, and what free will is or whatever. But mostly: I got to see a giant cavern full of pretty rocks with Ernest and Atlanta, I got to eat part of a cheese wheel bigger than me, and Dr. Disaster M.D. is now my least favorite person in the world and it’s not even close.
**May 23rd, 2020 (Saturday)**
**S4 E72 The Forbidden Secrets of Molecyon**
My head is still spinning a bit from today, but from the stuff I remember:
-Game night with The Jackal, Sledge, and Shade. The Jackal seems kinda lonely lately and just wants to be friends with Sledge, and I kinda feel bad for Sledge cause I’m not sure they really get along. But it means I get to hang out with Shade more while on duty doing hero stuff so I’m not gonna say anything.
-Went to Molecyon in a school bus with a drill on it (pretty normal for Molecyon really).
-Kurt said that Ernest’s fans are shipping us which is kinda hilarious. I asked Ernest why he didn’t tell his fans that he’s dating Kurt, and I guess that touched a nerve or something cause stuff got awkward after that.
-I know Aman’s kinda pissed at Kurt for the whole Gambite thing, but I never knew them before so I don't really have those feelings. They were actually really chill to hang out with. I think we got along pretty well?
-The Duchess of Moleberry competition was… a thing that happened. Seeing mole people in The Jackal’s costume was pretty hilarious.
-We got sentenced to hard labor in a trapped dungeon, which is also pretty normal for Molecyon.
 -I’m REALLY BAD AT PUZZLES. I knew that already, but the hallucinogenic gas trap really helped solidify that.
-Also about the hallucinations: I’ve never been high before and it was actually kinda fun? I mean, also made my stomach hurt and I felt like I was gonna die. But mostly fun. Might try that again.
-I hope Challenge is okay.
-Molecyon’s pretty great. I need to go there more.
-I’m glad Ernest and Kurt worked their stuff out. They seemed really happy by the end of the day.
-The Jackal showed me a picture of her winning that Molesberry competition in 1992. And said she used to team up with Crescent and MegaByte? That’s a wild team. I know she used to hang out with people in the 80s and 90s, but it’s still weird to imagine. I need to ask about that sometime.

## Best Birthday Ever

**August 11th, 2020**
**Goldman House, 11:45 AM**
“Are you sure you don’t want more people over later, sweetie? We haven’t had a real birthday party for you since you were in middle school,” Monica Goldman implores.
“Your mom’s right, Melon.” Michael Goldman continues. “We would have given anything to have been here for it last year. I even found the party hats we got for it back then!” He beams as he produces a stack of colorful paper hats emblazoned with volleyballs. “And I mean, you have so many friends on that team of yours now, you could just inv—”
“*Oh God*,” Melody sighs as her face flushes. “No, I, like… I’m 17, Dad! I don’t wanna wear party hats and hit a pinata. I’m not a little kid anymore.”
*Actually, pinatas still sound pretty dope. Like, crazy-ass super tough pinatas?…*
Melody shakes her head before turning a pleading face to her parents. “Listen, I’m like, super glad you’re both home this year too. I just don’t wanna make a big deal out of it, y’know?”
She looks at the ground and starts fidgeting with her hair, then continues in a smaller voice. “I’m gonna go get lunch with Aman and Mishel soon. Ellen said to keep today free, so like, I think she and Atlanta wanna hang out at some point. Maybe some other friends wanna chill or something, I dunno. And like…” she meets her parent’s eyes and smiles at them, “we can hang out later today or whatever too. Besides…”
*Besides, this is already a million times more than you did for your birthday last year.*
Lost in thought, Melody trails off as Monica and Michael look to each other with concern.
“That sounds nice, Melon.” Monica breaks the silence as she pulls her daughter into a hug. “We don’t want to overwhelm you. We know you’re still getting used to being back.”
“Hmm? Oh. Yeah. That.” Melody tries to give her parents a reassuring smile. “Yeah, it’s… just, getting readjusted still. Being stuck in the future for a month really, like, messes with your head. I’d be a total f—” she catches herself, “f-freakin’ wreck if Aman hadn’t been with me. But Ellen and Tay gave me some good tips to like… re-anchor myself? Get used to normal again?” Her eyes dart between her parents, looking for some sense of understanding. “That’s why I watched *Master of the Flying Guillotine* last night. And the night before. They said to watch something I’d seen a bunch already.”
“Well…” Monica sighs with acceptance. “I wish Ms. Jackal hadn’t shown you such a graphic movie so many times, but I’m glad it’s helping. And Ellen and Tay seem like the experts on this sort of thing, but you can always talk to us too, sweetie.”
“That’s right.” Michael slings an arm over Melody’s shoulder and squeezes before turning back to his wife. “Besides honey, it’s not that violent. It’s a classic!”
“I think you’ve just watched too much hockey, mister. You’re desensitized.” Monica smirks at her husband as he feigns shock at her allegations, but both quickly break into a giggle as they trade loving smiles.
Melody’s eyes dart between her parents before she slips out of her dad’s grasp. “Gross. I’m gonna go wait for Aman in the living room.”
--
Laying flat on the couch, Melody begins scrolling through her phone. As she mindlessly opens Chitter, she thinks back to the activities of her last birthday: a patchy phone call from her parents while they were overseas for work, and a dinner with the Isars. She never tried to make a big deal of her birthday, but somewhere deep down, Melody had always hoped people outside of her family and family friends cared enough to notice. She’d thought maybe some other players on the volleyball team might have remembered, or *definitely* some friends she’d left back home the previous year would remember… but that never happened. And she hadn’t made many close friends at Big High that year either—hard to do when you’re busy every day after school training with The Jackal.
*I guess she ordered me to rest on my last birthday and not do hero stuff or training—that was kinda weird. Maybe that was her way of trying to wish me well? But I ended up staying home by myself most of the day cause of that. Whatever, that was last year. I actually made new friends since my last birthday. Like, a lot of new friends, especially for me. And they actually care about me a lot. Hope that doesn’t change again. I don’t know what I’d do if it did. Last time it happened so qui--*
With a loud *bzzt bzzt,* Melody’s attention is drawn back to the present with several vibrations from her phone. As she scrolls through a series of new notifications and messages, a few errant tears splash against the screen.
“*You absolute fucking dorks*,” she sniffles, a broad smile crawling across her face as she continues reading. After a few minutes, she begins to respond when a loud series of knocks erupts from the front door.
“Mom! Dad! I’m leaving before Mishel breaks the door!” Melody calls back to the kitchen, her voice still a bit nasally.
“Melon! Wait! One thing before you go!”
--
[a new background picture on Michael and Monica Goldman’s phones features them with their arms wrapped around Melody and Aman’s shoulders. Aman is holding Melody’s hand, Mishel is making a goofy face, and Melody is wearing a volleyball party hat and beaming at the camera]

## Back to Thinking About the Future

**October 3rd, 2020**
**The Jackal's medlab, 9:30 PM**
Hey journal!
I’m filling in for The Jackal again tonight and things are sorta quiet finally. For now, anyway. Figured I would write something cause yesterday gave me a lot to think about. I should write in you more anyway cause it’s good for me or whatever, but things have just been really busy lately.
Writing in you made me feel a lot better when I started on the Big Team, cause I didn’t have people I could talk about all of my problems with. I mean, I had people I could talk about *almost* all my problems with since the beginning, like Aman. And Ellen pretty quickly, and Gwen and Seb and Seth not too long after, and then Atlanta and Ernest. I guess I’ve opened up a lot to Boon and Hana, too. And really, I could have talked to any of them about any of the shit going on with me whenever, I just didn’t know it back then. But I do now.
I’m so glad I didn’t listen to The Jackal when she told me not to join the team. I’ve met so many amazing fucking people here— friends way better than I ever imagined I’d make. Way better than I thought existed. People I love and would do anything for. And it was all thanks to me being on the Big Team with them. Which is why thinking about leaving the team is just… *really* fucking scary to me. More than any bad guy I’ve fought in months. Maybe ever.
But more on that in a sec. Today’s mission was… well, weird, but that’s most stuff in Halcyon. Mayor Cyclone asked me, Verve, Anomaly, and The Red Wolf to babysit a kid named Goober. And the kid really lived up to his name. I’ve babysat Jasper a few times and he rocks, so I forgot babysitting can be a chore sometimes. Especially when the kid is a mayor’s son and making candy float and getting kidnapped by space mercenaries.
Terminus and Closure, the space mercs who tried to kidnap Goober, were in a group called Black Hole Sun. Never heard of them. But I’d fought Closure before—big dragon dude who had an axe last time—and he was rad. Didn’t get to fight him this time, but Verve convinced him to leave the villain group and go into wrestling, so now we’ll definitely get to fight again! Staged fighting, but still, HHTTW shit is a blast and there’s always some surprise in the ring.
Fighting Terminus was the most fun I’ve had against a villain in a while. When The Jackal was teaching me at first, I thought almost all the baddies would be super badass masters of crime and fighting and whatever. But after a few years of doing this, seems like most people—villains and heroes-- just rely on their powers or tech or whatever and don’t actually train themselves to fight. But Terminus was *really* fucking good. I could tell she had a ton of practical experience, great reflexes… seemed like she could see the future a little bit, like Cardinal? Or Weaver—actually, I don’t know how her powers work, I should ask sometime. Or maybe Terminus is just real smart and good at predicting stuff… either way, fighting her in melee got me really hyped up. Carmen ended up knocking her out and she’s in AEGIS custody now, which is good. But if she goes back to villain stuff when she gets out… God, I wanna fight her again.
I stole a sword of hers during the fight too. Hella big impractical thing, but pretty light. The metal it’s made of seems like the same stuff on the back of the caestus The Jackal gave me when I started—weird strong space metal. Maybe I should ask The Jackal where she got this stuff, but I might be better off not knowing. Anyway, might hang onto the sword for a bit. I don’t usually fight with weapons, and I can always just make shadow weapons now anyway if I did need something, but this thing looks so rad. And maybe it’ll be a good luck charm? At the very least, I can get more weapons training in and surprise Gwen next time we spar.
After that, we… went to a dimension made of cake. And fought a baddie made of cake. And got our powers turned into cake. And I saw… the indescribable. The entirety of the essence of all cake and the Cake Dimension, at once. My brain still hurts. But it was so beautiful. To be honest, really freaked me out at the time! But Atlanta and Carmen were there for me. I was kinda disappointed realizing how little I could ever really understand about cake, but even if I can’t recreate the amazing truth I saw, I can try? I feel like my baking leveled up a shitload, at least. Everything makes more sense now. I’m definitely not Ellen pancake or Atlanta cupcake good yet, but I’m pretty sure I can make some killer babka or cheesecake now, and maybe hopefully surprise Atlanta and Ellen next Friday. And just like, make good stuff by myself now! ...I’m really glad I exercise a lot or this would be a Problem.
Also, I ate the cake made of Atlanta’s lightning powers and got to turn into lightning while we were there. Shit was SO FUN. I’ve never moved that fast before, and I felt like I could go anywhere. It was so exciting! Really made me understand why Aman misses flying still, and why Atlanta missed it a lot before it came back. Atlanta was absolutely wrecking some shit with shadow chains too, it looked like she was having a blast. It was a really fun place to be… I guess a dimension of cake is pretty much heaven to me. We might have overstayed our welcome, but hopefully we can go back sometime.
Anyway, we came back and dropped the goober kid off and I caught up with Seb in the commissary at city hall. He asked me what I was planning to do ‘after’, and I knew he meant ‘after Big Team’. We’ve been on the team together for a long time now… when I think about it, we’re actually some of the most senior members now, which is fucking *wild*. It feels like yesterday that he was showing me around on my first mission when we got attacked by T.I.M.E. cops, and Ellen broke through a wall right next to us, followed by her adult version and Atomica and *also* her adult version.
And when I think about it, most people don’t stay on the team for too long? Either they stop doing the hero thing, or they move on to bigger and better stuff like being in the Knights or being a Queen or traveling around the world or whatever.
But Big Team has been everything to me. I’ve grown so much in the year I’ve been here, and I’m so much better for it. And I’m so much happier than I was this time last year. And I know I can’t be on Big Team forever… but I just… it’s hard thinking about *not* being on it.
Seb asked if I was going to take over for The Jackal someday, and… it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot. She’s given me a lot more responsibilities over the last year, and it seems like she finally really trusts me and my judgment, even though we don’t 100% agree on stuff. And she’s been making me fill in for her a lot more lately? I don’t think she’d be doing that unless she was trying to train me to take over. I mean, that’s why she asked me to train with her in the first place. She always wanted me to take on her name and resources and be like… a real force in the city. I just didn’t think it would happen so fast? I don’t feel ready at all. I’ve still been asking Big Team people for help on some of these missions I’m supposed to be handling. I mean, jeez, Seb and Ellen and Jenny and Jason bailed me out last week. I’m just not able to handle all the stuff she does without help. I don’t think I will be for a while. I’m amazed she did all this by herself for so long.
As for Seb, it sounded like he was focused on getting rid of his powers. Or at least stabilizing them, cause otherwise he might not be able to stay here again. So I hope he does get rid of them, cause him disappearing all around town for a month was scary. And if he does get rid of his powers… sounded like he wanted to hang up the mitts. I was gonna try to encourage him to still be a hero even if he didn’t have powers—there’s plenty of people on the team that do, and he was kicking ass with teleporty discs and his blaster long before he got powers. But I couldn’t. He was legit smiling when he was talking about his store, and the clothes and stuff he makes, and maybe being a teacher in the future. And I’m really glad he found stuff he enjoys so much and gives him purpose, and I know he’ll be a rad fucking teacher if that’s what he does after Big Team. And I mean… don’t gotta be out there punching baddies to be a hero. He’s still gonna be helping a ton of people no matter what he does, and I’m really glad he’ll probably be around even if we’re not on a mission together.
I wish I had Seb’s, like… sense of purpose, I guess. Or just being smart like that. I’m worried about everything. I’m worried if I do take over for The Jackal, I'm gonna fail and be horrible at it. I'm worried that I'll be too busy and have to stop doing stuff with the team, and that things are gonna go back to how they used to be. Just… me, by myself, doing my thing. That my friends and family and people that I love are gonna move on. That without Big Team, I’m not gonna keep the connections I made. Or that when everyone else finishes with the team, they’re gonna bounce too. I dunno. I know it doesn’t help to worry about this stuff until it happens, but I can’t help myself.
I guess I should really talk to Aman about what he’s gonna do. He’s been on the team for a long-ass time too, and we’re almost done with high school. I know his mom would actually seriously kill him if he didn’t go to college, so he should be around? I really hope. I need to get on the college app thing soon too... Mom and Dad are chill, but they’ve given a *lot* of hints that I need to go. I hope Aman and I can end up at the same school and be together a shitload still. But we'll make it work even if we aren't at the same school. We can just patrol together even more. We own the night!
Maybe I’ll try to shake Ernest down to see what his plans are too. I don’t think “Be-Tube celebrity” is a lifelong career. Or it might be, cause if I get one more Chimera Cooking video in my feed, it’s gonna be a short lifetime for him and Mel.
-Melody