Fake TPOT 15a: Can You Tell Me?

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
"**Can You Tell Me?**" is the first part of the non-canon fifteenth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 10 January 1978. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 15 (or even TPOT 2) comes out.

Author's note: I know nothing about *Total Fruit Island* other than what is mentioned on The Other Other Wiki and in Cary's video clearing up the mystery factor. I'm almost sure that none of the "fruit characters" in this episode appeared in the show, so please consider this a coincidence (or a tribute to an ancient, lost object show). Finally, I salute those who are doing the work right now to find out more information on TFI that we probably don't need.

Previous episode: "The One Where No One Has Common Sense"

Next episode: "Oh, I Don't Know"

## Pre-credits scene

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**Early morning. The sun has just risen. Two is sleeping behind the front desk (which had been seen in TPOT 13. Enter **Clock**, who marches downstairs. He is followed by **Winner**, **Cloudy** and **Bottle**.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Hup! Two, three, four, hup! Two, three, four...

[*Two gets up from their giant mattress as before.*]

* **Two**: [*groggily*] Who- who said my name?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Two! I see you're just in time to watch our partial team training session. Since Gaty and Saw are sleeping peacefully—

[*Sudden flashback. Both Gaty and Saw have their heads down on their beds, not wanting to get up.*]

**S****aw**: No.
**G****at****y**: Get out, Clock.
[*End flashback.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Only four of us will be training today.
* **Bot****tle**: We're going to have the time of our lives!
* **Winner**: For one of us, it could be the last thing we do in our lives.
* **Two**: That's really dark... which does not suit this time of day. Can't you see that I, Two, was sleeping?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: And can't *you* see that we're trying to do our exercises? Someone will be eliminated today and I demand that you not forget that!
* **Winner**: Whoa, easy there, Bonaparte.
* **Two**: Sorry. I'll leave you to your weird early morning routine.

[*Two finds a paper cup and puts it on their head, dancing seductively to no one in particular.*]

* **Two**: ♫ *Oh-yee-oh-yee-rama-lama-ding-dong!* ♫ [*sees that the team is looking at them weird*] Daylight ritual. Who are you to judge me?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Whatever. *En avant, marche!*

[*Exeunt* **Clock**, **Cloudy** *and* **Winner**.]

* **Two**: What is it, Bottle?
* **Bot****tle**: [*picking up a piece of candy*] Can I take this?
* **Two**: I don't know, you might need that for the challenge.
* **Bot****tle**: Oh, that's right! At the moment, we are battling for *The Power of TwoOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*The intro plays on Bottle's command.*]

## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **AYO's hotel room**

**Scene****TV** is playing footage of a news report from the United Goikyan States to the team. **Tennis Ball** is with them—he has been teaching Golf Ball to be better.
**M****icro****p****h****o****n****e**: This just in! Once-popular Goikyan American singer has faced her own kind.
* **P****en**: [*looking up from his newspaper*] Hey, it's Microphone!
* **Golf Ball**: Don't tell me you two had relations now!
* **P****en**: No. [*looks up for a second*] Yeah, no.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I wonder what the news media has to say today.
* **Golf Ball**: If it's about Goikyan Djibouti, they can count me out.

[*Golf Ball gets up.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: *Stay.* Besides, this can really earn you some *good points*.
* **Puffball**: Good points?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It's metaphorical.
* **Golf Ball**: Shut up, everyone, it's back on!

**M****icro****p****h****o****n****e**: Now watch as Ms. Pie Aunt gets a pie thrown in her face.
**I Need A**: All I'm saying is that if two people love each other, then they should not exist.
[*Someone off-screen throws a pie in I Need A's face. By coincidence, she herself is a pie.*]

* **Golf Ball**: This is deeply upsetting! I Need A Pie Aunt is one of my favourite singers!

[*TV switches to his regular face.*]

* **Puffball**: That's not so surprising.
* **Golf Ball**: Why, I used to sing her "OJ Lilies" song in the bucket all the time!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Yes, you do sing, GB.
* **Golf Ball**: And it makes me so mad to see what this random stranger has done to her face. She may never sing again!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: But don't you see? This is a good thing!
* **Golf Ball**: How? So she can get her valuable nutrients?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Sure... why not? [*Beat.*] We'll work on it.

[*Suddenly, Two can be seen and heard outside shaking a tambourine.*]

* **Two**: It's time for Cake at Stake!
* **Eraser**: Hey, it's the Tambourine Term! [*yells out the window*] Play a song for me!
* **Two**: I said, it's time for Cake at Stake!
* **Eraser**: Guys, Two wants us to come down.
* **P****en**: Can we do it later? I'm reading a conspiracy about object shows. It's really cool, as a matter of fact.
* **Golf Ball**: Since when did you read? Now come on, teammates, we can't miss Cake at Stake!
* **Puffball**: [*Aside, to Tennis Ball.*] She's calling us teammates.
* **T****V**: This is so exciting!

[*Exeunt omnes.* **Pen** *folds up the newspaper and hides it under his cap when no one is looking.*]

### **Cake at Stake place**

**Scene**The "safe" contestants gather in the audience while The S! are seated on platforms. Two scopes the audience and is happy with what they see... for now.
* **Two**: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, that's good, I like that. [*sudden gasp*] That's not good.
* **Cloudy**: What's not good?
* **Two**: They should be together!
* **Winner**: Are you, like, a shipper?
* **Two**: What? No! I'm saying that the team that won last episode has to sit together for this Cake at Stake. Everyone else can just... be wherever.
* **Winner**: But which team won last time?
* **T****V**: That would be us. [*showing the statistics from the last challenge*]
* **Two**: Perfect! Are You Okay—
* **The whole arena**: Yeah!
* **Two**: Your team members have to sit to—oh, they're already regrouping. That's good.
* **Golf Ball**: It's because of our efficiency!
* **Two**: Right. Anyway, it's been a while since we last had a Cake at Stake! I like it when there's an elimination. It adds anticipation and self-preservation.

[*Eraser nudges Pen.*]

* **Two**: And now that that's settled (or at least my outward ramblings about the competition are), it's time for me to finally start this thing!

#### Cake at Stake I

[*Two clears their throat. For some reason, their voice sounds unnaturally hoarse for a moment.*]

* **Two**: Okay. We got [*number*] votes in this episode! Gaty!
* **G****at****y**: Yes?
* **Two**: You must have done something wonderful in the last challenge because [*number*] people voted for you to be safe! Congratulations!
* **G****at****y**: Well, yeah. I hosted, right, everyone?

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **S****aw**: And a darn good host she was!
* **G****at****y**: *We* were, Saw.
* **Two**: Saw! I guess your newfound charismatic attitude really paid off, because you got the second highest number of votes! [*number*]!
* **S****aw**: Thanks, Two! But what do you mean by *charismatic*?
* **Two**: Unless I've been sat in the Equation Playground infirmary the whole time, I think you've become a lot more confident since we last spoke!
* **S****aw**: Guess co-hosting does that to you. G***8***y and I'll remember that moment forever.
* **G****at****y**: This will be our BFDIA, *Coiny.*
* **Co****i****ny**: What did I do?

[*The spotlight shines on Bottle, Clock, Cloudy and Winner.*]

* **Two**: Next safe... Clock!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Third to be declared safe? These voters must have been brainwashed.
* **G****at****y**: Or maybe they just found Saw and me *fabulous*.
* **S****aw**: Like, iyeah, Clock. [*bouncy music*] 'Cause we've got our own style. And you ***8*** got no style! [*Aside.*] That was fun!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*shocked*] Well... I can't argue with that.
* **Winner**: She called you out; your fashion sense has been outdated for ten years.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Weakness: the enemy. Must be defeated.
* **Two**: [*mocking him*] Grawr, graa, graaa. The three of you together got more votes than the other three combined! Isn't that interesting? Heh-heh?
* **Bo****ok**: [*from the audience*] But isn't that how maths work anyway?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: That's right! The top three most-voted people will *always* have more votes than the bottom three.
* **N****a****ily**: They don't teach you this in school, but that's still pretty obvious.
* **Two**: Aw, you Just Nottians ruined my moment of suspense! [*to The S!*] The last, I mean, the next person safe is... Winner!

[*The same fanfare from episode 1 plays, with the words "Winner is declared safe!" next to Winner.*]

* **Winner**: Yes!
* **T****r****e****e**: Uh, Two? Have you just made a Freudian slip?
* **Bot****tle**: What's a Freudian slip?
* **Golf Ball**: It is a mistake you make when speaking that reveals what you are thinking unconsciously!
* **Two**: And how could such a slip-up be made at this, like, totally solemn Cake at Stake ceremony?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You said *last* instead of *next* before you said Winner was safe.
* **Two**: Right. Thanks for clarifying, Clock!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Och, excuse me? Only I can say that, Two!
* **Fan****ny**: I hate gatekeepers!
* **Two**: Well, gatekeep this, 'cause I've got some news for you! And this goes for everyone!
* **Golf Ball**: I know, I Need A Pie Aunt has been pied; we *get* it!
* **Two**: *No.* And good for her; I never cared for her archaic opinions. Anyway, this news is about the voting. [*to the viewers*] There's something I'd like to talk about.
* **Need****le**: Bots?
* **Nic****k****el**: Ad campaigns?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: "sam"?
* **Cloudy**: The sudden introduction of a voting system in which the two most-voted contestants are punished by having to leave the team and join that of the winners, and the least popular of the two is eliminated?

[*Two pogs.*]

* **Two**: *How did you know?*
* **Cloudy**: We ex-Beepsters have a knack for predicting what comes next.
* **Nic****k****el**: He's right. Just ask Balloony... even though he's in the Filing Cabinet.
* **Golf Ball**: But is this true? Will one person from the team be joining us?
* **Two**: It is. I wanted to surprise you all, but you have figured it out by yourselves. I've been outsmarted. Wa-aea-aea-aea-aea-aea.
* **P****en**: [*puts his arm around Two*] It's okay, Two, I get that feeling a lot!

#### Cake at Stake II

* **Two**: That's good to know! But could you not put your arm around me?
* **P****en**: Oh, terribly sorry, force of habit.
* **Two**: I simply can't stand it when my side is touched by the arm of an... object. [*Beat.*] Anyway, I would now like all of Are You Okay to step onto this platform, please.

[*Two points to a large platform rising from the floor of the arena.*]

* **Two**: Wow! That was easier than a Hollywood divorce. It was the first time this platform was used.
* **Eraser**: *Booooooooo*ring.
* **Two**: So do you know what will happen next?
* **Golf Ball**: We will decide which of the two least-voted members of The S! will join our team and which will be eliminated.
* **Two**: Wow, how did you know that, Golf Ball?
* **Golf Ball**: Because I was subjected to the same punishment back in BFDI!
* **Two**: Oh, right, so you're familiar with it.
* **Golf Ball**: All too much.

[*Golf Ball gives Pen and Eraser a dirty look—they were part of the team that had voted Rocky over her in BFDI 11. Also,* **Cloudy** *and* **Bottle** *are been placed on platforms.*]

* **Two**: So here's how it's going to work: In no particular order, I want each person in your team, Are You Okay, to choose which of the two least-voted people—Cloudy or Bottle—you want to have. The person with the most votes (adjusted) will win! Start!
* **Puffball**: Cloudy and I, we've got so much in common! In fact, Four hurled bandages at us almost eight years ago now.

[*Cloudy's platform rises.*]

* **Cloudy**: Whoa! I mean, it didn't do anything, but whoa!
* **T****V**: If Puffball's voting for Cloudy, then she thinks he is worthy of being on our team. Therefore, I will also vote for him.

[*Cloudy's platform rises.*]

* **Bot****tle**: *Hi from beloooooow, Cloooouu-dyyyy!*
* **Eraser**: Yeah, Cloudy seems like a cool dude. Bottle does too, but she can't float.
* **Bot****tle**: Oh, Eraser, I can float... just not in this world!

[*Cloudy's platform rises.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Well, I am voting for Bottle!

[*Bottle's platform rises, though not as high as Cloudy's.*]

* **Eraser**: What? Even though she hit you with a golf club in BFB 10?
* **Golf Ball**: How the cluck do you remember that?
* **Eraser**: Oh, no reason. We don't play that clip over and over again on TV, eh, PB? /s
* **Puffball**: No, we do shnot.
* **Golf Ball**: And Bottle told me that you, Two, are perfectly safe, which is unrelated, but it's a compliment nonetheless.

[*Golf Ball does a "fake" smile towards Tennis Ball. He has no reaction.*]

* **Two**: Thanks for the kind words, Madame Ball. Now, who do you vote for, Pen?
* **P****en**: Let me just start off with the fact that I'm friends with both Cloudy and Bottle. Why, we're both card-carrying members of Black Hole's death prevention club, while Cloudy and I collect red balls together.
* **Cloudy**: That's not a euphemism, by the way.
* **P****en**: Boy, they're both really good friends of mine and I'd be glad to have either of them on our team.
* **Golf Ball**: We get it, you're *popular!*
* **P****en**: But Bottle... I spent more time with her. We prevented death together, I think.
* **Bot****tle**: Yeah! You're an adequate death preventer, Pen!
* **P****en**: For sure! Anyway, that's who I'm voting for. Cloudy—I mean, Bottle.

[*Bottle's platform rises.*]

* **Two**: And that means Bottle is eliminated!
* **Bot****tle**: What? Me? But I'm the star of the show!
* **Two**: Wow, Bottle, I've never thought of you as this self-confident. Where's the old one gone?
* **Bot****tle**: And Yellow Face, he's the triangle of the show, and Clock, he's a sterilized octagon!
* **Two**: *And* she's back again. Well, I know many people you can talk to about that stuff.
* **Bot****tle**: Really? Where are they?
* **Two**: In the Filing Cabinet, of course!

[*Two uses their powers to send Bottle to the Filing Cabinet.*]

* **Bot****tle**: Wow, that's groovy! Can you send me there right now?
* **Two**: What do you think I'm doing?
* **Bot****tle**: I don't know! But everything's getting smaller! Or maybe *I'm* getting bigger, hee-hee!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: We'll miss you, Bottle.
* **Yellow Face**: Say hi to the snacks down there! [*Aside, to Pin.*] There's always snacks in the world.
* **Bot****tle** Ohhhhh. Well, elimination's going to be so much fun!

[**Bottle** *disappears.*]

* **P****en**: So, um... welcome to the team, Cloudy!

## Post–Cake at Stake

### **Outside**

**Scene**Everyone has dispersed after Cake at Stake. They are mostly separated by team, although Tennis Ball is with Are You Okay and Needle is with Cold Woe Bunch.
#### Just Not

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I'm in love with Bottle.
* **C****a****ke**: Huh?
* **N****a****ily**: Seriously?
* **Bo****ok**: Gee, out of all people.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: No, I mean, with her attitude when she was eliminated! I find it hard to believe that you can keep a happy face on when something like that happens.
* **N****a****ily**: Yeah. Elimination? It sounds horrible!
* **Nic****k****el**: It's going to happen to all of us, eventually.
* **C****a****ke**: That's kind of a sad way of putting it.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: He's not wrong, though. You can all claim that you'll win this show one day, but the odds say otherwise.

[*Pause.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Never tell me the odds.

#### The Strongest Team on Earth

* **E****g****gy**: Hey, Two, our team is missing two people.
* **Two**: So are The S!, but you don't hear them complaining.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Whoa, what's with the attitude, Two?
* **Two**: Oh, nothing. I've just realized that I've been too lenient in the competition.
* **E****g****gy**: No, you haven't! In fact, I think we'd like you to be even more lenient!
* **Two**: Sure thing, Eggy! I mean... [*lazy*] m'*bleh*.
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*Aside, to Eggy.*] Do you think Snowball's death changed their attitude towards life?
* **Two**: [*overhearing*] What? Snowball's dead?
* **Baske****t****ball**: And Grassy!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: You seriously did not know?
* **Two**: No one tells me anything! Not like I want the news coming to me from a bunch of... objects.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: But our last contest was about Snowball's death, and it was very well documented! Gaty, get over here!

[*Enter* **Gaty**.]

* **G****at****y**: Huh? What's up?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Describe to Two what your hosting experience was like!
* **G****at****y**: Okay. [*to Two*] It was *terrific*.

[*Exit* **Gaty**.]

* **E****g****gy**: There you have it.
* **Baske****t****ball**: So can you recover them?
* **Two**: Not until I reach an emotional breakthrough. Bear in mind that I've been having a lot of those lately, but nobody reminded me before!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Ah, the Puffballian excuse. Can you at least turn the sand back to grass, please?
* **Two**: Okay!

[*With a snap of their fingers, Two turns the sand back to grass. Because of this,* **Grassy** *comes back to life.*]

* **Gra****ssy**: I'm Grassy!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Hey, Grassy!
* **Need****le**: [*walking over*] Long time, no see.
* **E****g****gy**: So, G major, what's it like being dead? Not that I don't know, given my numerous near-death experiences, but it's always nice to hear from someone I'm not.
* **Gra****ssy**: Past tense negatory, I'm Grassy!
* **Need****le**: Huh?
* **Baske****t****ball**: He wasn't Grassy.
* **E****g****gy**: Well, now that all is said and done, can you recover Snowball, too?
* **Two**: No.
* **E****g****gy**: Okay.
* **Baske****t****ball**: That's fine by me.

#### The S!

[*Two walks away, hoping for a temporary peace and quiet before the contest. They run into The S!, without Cloudy and Bottle, of course.*]

* **S****aw**: Hi, Two, Clock begs—
* **Winner**: Desires—
* **C****l****o****c****k**: *Demands*.
* **S****aw**: He *demands* to know what our prizes are from today's Cake at Stake.
* **Two**: Oh yeah, your prizes. Please accept my gifts of top-class microscopes.
* **Winner**: Chur for that!
* **S****aw**: [*pointing it in Gaty's direction*] I see you, G***8***y!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I always wanted to be a microbiologist. [*Beat.*] That was before the soldiering.
* **Winner**: Right.
* **G****at****y**: Whatever.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Where'd you find these, anyway?
* **Two**: [*suspiciously*] Nowhere. [*back to normal*] Now, Cloudy, you get a microscope too.
* **Cloudy**: [*catching it with his mouth*] Thanks, Two!
* **Golf Ball**: Envy!
* **Eraser**: The grass is back and The S! have their prizes. Looks like this day's going to be normal after all.
* **Two**: And now, we can start the contest!

## Pre-contest and some visitors

* **Eraser**: Which is?
* **Two**: Oh. I wasn't prepared to respond to this. [*Two reads from an index card*] The fifteenth contest is—

[*All of a sudden, a large, grey UFO crash-lands on the grass. Everyone screams.*]

* **Puffball**: [*nudges Eraser*] So much for a normal day.
* **P****i****n**: Can someone tell me what this thing is?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It looks like a UFO.
* **Everyone**: Ooh.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: More specifically, it's an Ämässäupende 3972.24/2, and it comes from the planet Phala in the Oetsise star system, which is located 27.63 light years away from us.
* **T****r****e****e**: That's more information than is necessary.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, that's what it says on its tush tag.

[*Black Hole indicates the lettering on the back of the spacecraft.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Wow, it's so shiny.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It also says that anyone who reads this... oh... will die.

[*A laser is suddenly shot at Black Hole, sending him into non-existence. Everyone gasps and looks away.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You just killed Black Hole, whoever you are. You will pay for this, Phalalien monsters.
* **T****r****e****e**: Wait, Remote, don't do any killing.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Remember the pact!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But I am fired up. No one kills my friend.

[*Everyone starts chattering at a moment that really should warrant a random break in the form of song and dance.*]

* **Two**: [*observing the scene unfolding*] *Enough, contestants!*
* **Gra****ssy**: Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
* **Two**: These people are clearly from outer space, just as I am. Please, let me speak in a way that they can understand. [*demonic voice*] ***SHOW YOURSELVES, YOU CONTEST INTERRUPTERS!***

[*Silence as the top of the UFO opens. Out come* **six objects** *that look like fruit.*]

* **Two**: Good Gogma!

[**Two** *runs into the hotel and locks the door.*]

* **C****a****ke**: Oh, I'm so curious to know what these people are doing here, but I'm too scared to ask in front of everybody!
* **Nic****k****el**: Same, same!
* **Bo****ok**: What we need is a representative. Someone who—
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You mean like me?
* **Winner**: Actually, I thought maybe someone else should talk to the aliens. [*whispering to Clock*] For everyone's sake.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Okay.
* **Co****i****ny**: Why not Donut? He's got loads of hosting experience right under his belt!
* **Donut**: I don't wear a belt. And I'm still retired from hosting.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Aw, come on. Out of everyone, you have the gift of Garbo.
* **Donut**: You mean *gab*.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Not exactly.

[*Donut approaches the fruit aliens. He talks loudly and slowly.*]

* **Donut**: *We* come in *peeeeeeeace.* Who... are *you?* Gosh, I sound awful.

[*The aliens don't do anything for a second.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: I don't think they speak Donut.

[*Suddenly, one of the aliens pulls out a Panasonic radio.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Hey, that looks like a radio from planet Earth!
* **S****aw**: Ooh, can it play the l***8***est hits?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Maybe that's where the "Wow! signal" comes from!
* **Golf Ball**: I think these visitors owe us an explanation!

[*Said alien presses a button on the radio. An upbeat song begins to play.*]

* **G****at****y**: Cool, they listen to Earth music like us.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate popular music!

**Theme song**

**Vocalist(s)**: Voice

[*To the confusion of the others, a man's voice can be heard singing this theme song-like musical title. In fact, the screen goes dark and an actual intro plays for what could be a television series.*]

**Voice**: ♫ Hey! What's that? Approaching this here planet

Are super, fruit-like objects, neither *battle* nor *insanit-*.

But who could ever send them here

When there's a big wide world to cause some fear?

Dispute, of fruit, dispute, dispute of fruit.

In a world where ev'rything feels mild

Adult objects seem to return to child.

But why, but why, but why?

Let's hear their names and what they imply...

[*The song changes genre to something more classical.*]

The first one you will meet, she is named Acerola,

And she's coming from Phalalien Hispaniola.

She was purple when she bloomed, and she's red when entombed

In the big wide mouth where the fruits are consumed.

Her best friend in the show, she is called Rose Hipt,

Who looks quite like a rose with florality stripp'd.

Twenty sisters has she now, Hipa all the way to Hips.

So she joined this little series just to get cool tips.

Number three in the queue is a guy, Shequasar—

Watch out, he's a cop with a fruit-scented taser.

Some people call him *thot*, but most other folks do not,

'Cause he's in it just to win it, long as he don't get caught.

Now if love's what you're looking for, go to Rough Lemon;

In his flowering stage, he sent loves as far as Bremen

But the guys whom he adores cannot fathom why he wants 'em

'Cause he's just a widowed father to a pair of croissants, hmm.

Little Loquat's next; he comes from Nepal,

But the others do not think he is Nepali at all

For they'll only choose to think of the stereotypes at play;

Still he's here just to compete with the others for the day.

She's a greenish-blue plant often known as *liana*;

The last fruit here is Pentadiplandra Brazzeana.

You must say her whole name, 'cause she lives not in fame

But is part of a tag-wrestling troupe for which she's no shame.

[*The song changes to its original genre.*]

These are all the fruits here; there are many, many more

Never have there been so many fruits existing not before,

As they come from a planet, neither *battle* nor *insanit-*,

But of *Total Fruituuuuuuuuits*... led by host Pomegranate! ♫

[*The logo of this supposed show,* Total Fruituits, *appears on the screen. Back to the real world, full of objects who saw none of that (but heard it all).*]

* **Bo****ok**: I'm sorry, I didn't quite understand what you were singing.
* **G****at****y**: You think too much, Book! That voice was easy to understand.
* **S****aw**: Yeah, I understood them all just gr***8!***

[*The eyes of all the Fruituits grow large in shock at Saw's sudden interjection.*]

* **Bo****ok**: I guess my mind wandered too much through the fields of phonology. [*Aside.*] It's just so weird, right?
* **Nic****k****el**: That might be a *you* problem.
* **C****a****ke**: Sorry, Book.
* **Bo****ok**: Anyway, can you play that song again, please?

[*Everyone groans.* **Acerola**, *the Fruituit that pressed the button on the radio earlier, presses it again.*]

* **Voice**: ♫ Hey! What's that? Approaching this here planet... ♫

[*View from indoors.*]

* **Two**: [*sibi loquens*] Alright, Two, you've got a plan, and you've got a really good one at that. There will be no mutiny this time!

[**Two***'s point of view: They walk outside, where slowly but surely everyone notices them, including the Fruituits.*]

* **Two**: Hi, guys!

[*The Fruituits look at one another and run off very quickly without a scream.* **Rough Lemon** *takes the radio with him.*]

* **G****at****y**: Oh, Two.
* **Two**: That's me!
* **S****aw**: I think they're more afraid of you than you are of them!
* **Two**: What? I wasn't afraid of any aliens from outer space! Heck, even *I'm* an alien from outer space!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: You mean, "I'm an *even alien* from outer space!"
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: #TechnicallyTheTruth!
* **Golf Ball**: TB, while that is the truth, it is not comedic. I don't know why I bring that up, because my goal in life is not to be comedic.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: [*to Two*] If you're not scared, then what were you doing in the hotel?
* **Two**: While I was secretly immersed in the musical stylings of the planet Phala, I was just planning a backup challenge! It's in the rules, innit?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Backup challenges are only allowed if the host announces them in advance.
* **Two**: Brilliant! [*Beat.*] So for today's challenge, you have to catch one of the six Fruituits for your team and ask them anything you want. The team that finds out either the most information *or* the answer to the question I'm currently thinking of wins! The team that reports the least information will be up for elimination! G—wait.

[*Six clipboards with the names of the Fruituits fall from the sky; they are meant to be caught by one person from each team. Golf Ball and Clock are hit on the head with them; they're not exactly Two's favourites in the competition.*]

* **Two**: When you find someone, I want you to tick their name off this list. O!

[*Pause.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Huh?
* **Need****le**: I think they said "Go!"

## Contest

### **On the field**

**Scene****Eggy** knocks **Needle** over, even though she is on the same team as her. All of the remaining contestants run off, as in TPOT 1. Shortly afterwards, they part ways to find someone they can interview as thoroughly as possible.
* **Two**: [*commentating from the lifeguard tower*] Wow! As the Goikyan French say, "Already seen!"

#### Are You Okay

[**Eraser**, **Golf Ball**, **Pen** *and* **TV** *run off towards the trees in the back of the building.* **Cloudy** *and* **Puffball** *float behind them, talking among themselves.*]

* **Golf Ball**: How is the team initiation going, Frat-Boy-in-Chief?
* **P****en**: Terrific! I must say, Cloudy and Puffball get along really nice.
* **Golf Ball**: -ly.
* **P****en**: Really!
* **Cloudy**: *Alors, y a-t-il quelque chose que je devrais savoir sur cette équipe?*
* **Puffball**: *Pas trop. Le stylo était autrefois excité et la balle de golf est toujours aussi pénible.*
* **Cloudy**: *Zut alors, haha.*
* **Golf Ball**: You people should be speaking Goikyan American!
* **Eraser**: Golf Ball, most of Free Food spoke French. Y'just pick it up; it's not that bad.
* **T****V**: And what would Tennis Ball say about you saying that, GB?
* **Golf Ball**: What? I said *Goikyan American*. That's the ideologically sound term, is it not?
* **Eraser**: It never was.
* **Golf Ball**: Okay, I'll be less offensive. [*to Puffball and Cloudy*] In English, Sylvester Plate!
* **Eraser**: [*sigh*] You've still got so much to learn, Golf Ball.

#### Death PACT Again

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I cannot believe Black Hole was killed.
* **T****r****e****e**: It's a real tragedy. Come to think of it, this is worse than that time I saw him get obliterated during Four's flying frenzy!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Oh yeah, I was there too! [*to the camera*] I died.

[*Harp-like sting, starting the dialogue-less flashback to BFB 5, in which Four presses the "emergency button" to send Lightning and Black Hole into non-existence. Before Fries can talk, Fanny kicks the flashback off the screen.*]

* **Fan****ny**: ♫ Oh, *hell* no. ♫ Now is not the time for a flashback!
* **T****r****e****e**: I hate to say it—
* **Fan****ny**: I hate you!
* **T****r****e****e**: But I agree. Better not to relive Black Hole's horrible death at the hands of those aliens.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Speaking of aliens, which of the Fruituits would you like to meet the most?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: To be honest, I don't trust any of them.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Valid.
* **T****r****e****e**: I don't trust them either, but if I had to choose, I'd go with that Rough Lemon guy.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Why? Is it because you're into that kind of thing?
* **T****r****e****e**: No. And that's *private* stuff, excuse you. [*blushes*]
* **Fan****ny**: What the *fan* is wrong with you?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Now, what I meant was the lemon... is being rough on account of that being your— the flavour of—
* **[** **Fan****ny** · **T****r****e****e** **]**: Shut up, Lightning!

[*Lightning is sad.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Sorry, I should have *cuh-larified* for you.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: That would've been nice, like.
* **T****r****e****e**: Rough Lemon just seemed very interesting; you heard his story. He's a widowed father of two, and I was hoping to find him so I could share my experience, maybe even make a friend that doesn't think of baseball caps as high fashion.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I can see why he would resonate with you.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*nodding*] Mm.

[*Beat.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Why's that, Tree?
* **T****r****e****e**: Because I need inspiration for a *TnT* character I'm playing, Lightning. /s ***I*** am a widowed father of two!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Oh. I'm sorry. [*sigh*] So if you're a widowed father of Two, does Two still call you *Daddy*?
* **T****r****e****e**: [*facepalming*] Unngh, forget it.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate you!

#### Cold Woe Bunch

* **Co****i****ny**: Okay, team! It's time to get searching!
* **P****i****n**: But where should we look? Those aliens are pretty light on their feet!
* **Yellow Face**: It makes me wish I had feet!
* **Barf** **Bag**: Um, I think Donut has a plan.
* **Donut**: I don't like to brag, but because I have the factor of Two, Four and every other number in the Equation Playground within me—
* **Barf** **Bag**: That sounds a bit like bragging.
* **Donut**: Oh. Oops! Anyway, I have an internal gyroscope which most other objects don't have, and I can use it to locate the alien contestants.
* **P****i****n**: Well done, Donut!
* **Co****i****ny**: You ***ROCK!!***
* **Donut**: I what?
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah, I don't know.

#### Just Not and The Strongest Team on Earth

* **N****a****ily**: Did you see those aliens?
* **C****a****ke**: What, the Fruituits?
* **N****a****ily**: Yeah, they're so stylish!
* **Bo****ok**: Which one do you think we're going to find?
* **Nic****k****el**: I bet we won't find anyone in a long time.
* **Bo****ok**: Don't think of it like that, Nickel! I'm sure a fruit alien will turn up soon.
* **N****a****ily**: Was that a pun?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: You said "turn up".
* **Bo****ok**: No, because turnips are vegetables, not fruit.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Can we pretend that they're fruit, like with tomatoes?
* **N****a****ily**: I think it's the other way round.
* **C****a****ke**: Yeah, otherwise people would say that cake is a fruit.

[*Book sees* **Rose Hipt** *hiding behind a bush.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Hey, I think I see someone!
* **Nic****k****el**: I do too. One eye, one mouth... two eyes. I think we've found our poo poo face.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Our *what?*
* **C****a****ke**: Our match.

[**Rose Hipt** *runs off.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Hey, get back here! [*Pause.*] Please?
* **N****a****ily**: It's time for Plan C! What do we do when someone we want to talk to runs away from us?
* **Bo****ok**: Give 'em a healthy amount of space?
* **N****a****ily**: Nope! We chase after them!

[**Naily** *chases after Rose Hipt, followed by* **Price Tag**, **Nickel**, **Cake** *and* **Book**. *Enter* **The Strongest Team on Earth**.]

* **Baske****t****ball**: I'll never understand the appeal in chasing people.
* **E****g****gy**: But in episode 1, didn't you—
* **Baske****t****ball**: Shh. Anyway, now that we're near the bushes, there's got to be someone here!
* **Need****le**: You mean like that person that changed Snowball's whole attitude?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah... What was that about anyway? It's been, like, a year and I'm still stressing over it.

[*Rustling can be heard from the bush that Rose Hipt was behind.*]

* **Gra****ssy**: Hello? Is anyone home?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: No fruit alien can call this place home if he's just come here from elsewhere!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Uh, I think Grassy was using an expression.
* **Gra****ssy**: I'm Grassy!
* **E****g****gy**: Hey, Needle, you're good at being stealthy. Can't you, like, fit under doors and stuff?
* **Need****le**: Oh, ha ha. /s It's 'cos I'm thin, innit?
* **E****g****gy**: Why don't you... reach out in the darkness?
* **Need****le**: Okay, I'll do it.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: And you may find a friend!

[*Needle tiptoes to the bush and moves some of the plants in the way. She sees among the brambles* **Pentadiplandra Brazzeana**, *who is posed like Prehistoric SpongeBob in that episode.*]

* **Need****le**: Hello?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Please don't be afraid, whoever you are!
* **E****g****gy**: We're nice people!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Eh, mostly.

[*Pentadiplandra Brazzeana just stands there and does nothing.*]

* **E****g****gy**: Who are you? Can you tell me?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Wait, I think I know who this is. Remember the intro from earlier? How she was bouncing when they sang her name?
* **Need****le**: Nah.
* **E****g****gy**: I chose not to listen.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Wait, I remember.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Thank you!
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy remembers, too!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Want to do the honours?
* **Gra****ssy**: Yeah! I'm Grassy!
* **Baske****t****ball**: No, to tell *her* what her name is.
* **Gra****ssy**: Your name is... Pentadiplandra Brazzeana!

[*A big smile forms on Pentadiplandra Brazzeana's face. Her mouth opens.*]

* **E****g****gy**: [*gasp*] I think she's about to speak!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: We have received a breakthrough.
* **Need****le**: Is her mouth opening?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Let's throw dirt into it!
* **Need****le**: No!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Why? She needs to get a taste of Earth someway!
* **Baske****t****ball**: As if crash-landing and breathing our polluted atmosphere wasn't enough.

[*Pentadiplandra Brazzeana takes a deep breath. Everyone on The Strongest Team on Earth gasps. Cut to black as these words appear on screen.*]

**To be continued

in TPOT 15b

in the 1970s**

[*Roll credits.*]

## Notes

1. ↑ A line that has not been modified from the real-life version: Khaled—that's Clock as a human—is stuck in a mid-1960s mentality in his appearance.
2. ↑ References that aren't exactly pop culture-related here:

	* **Ämässäupende** refers to the computer program: *Äm-ässa* is how the Finnish pronounce "MS" (*i.e.*, Microsoft), while *upende* is Zulu for "paint".
	* **3972.24/2**, refers to when it was made, *i.e.*, December 2010. The first number "3972" is just 2010 added to 1962, the year in the Yterbite calendar. "24/2" is an equation; it refers to the month, December.
	* **Phala** is Hindi for fruit, apparently the stars of this show.
	* **Oetsise** refers to the Object Show Community. If you pronounce the letters of "OSC" in Vietnamese, you get *o-ét-xì-xê*, which roughly sounds like this.
	* **27.63**, of course, is the magic BFDI number.
3. ↑ Long live the forced rhyme.

**Fake TPOT** [V]