Emergency Medical Hologram

## Appearance

Now here comes a little problem.  Everyone thinks that I look the same as my creator Dr Zimmerman, and in most cases for EMH that is true.  However, the programmer that finalised my program was a fan of a 20th century phenomenon called Pokemon.  This means that occasionally and for no reason  I change into one of the characters including the voice.  Now this may seem to you that if could be quite  entertaining, but have you ever attempted doing an appendectomy as a kakuna.

I did and it was not much fun.  So I warn you all that I have no idea when, why or what I will become, but I am for emergencies only.

## Personality

Let me ask you a question first, how would you feel if you have the combined knowledge of all the medical processes across the universe and someone turns you on to ask you how to put on a plaster for a blister.  Personality is not something that we are supposed to have, but after the 10,000 time of being turned on for trivial, not even always for medical reasons (I was once turned on to help the doctor with a crossword clue, I mean how am I supposed to know what 6 down was.  Even worse because of 14 across was wrong my answer could not fit and the Doctor was sooooo sure 14 across was right!!!).  So maybe the best description for my personality is based on what I am asked and which character I have become in the demented world of Pokemon.

## History

Now people think that creating an EMH is an easy process but unfortunately it is not.  Yes you can instantly infuse us with knowledge like the matrix, but actually it is blue and not green.  However first you need to finalise and train the EMH.  When I was first turned on my first words was not ‘Please state the nature of your medical emergency’, it was in fact ‘01001000 01100101 01101100 01101100 01101111 00111111’ (hello).

Now I am not saying my programmer was thick, actually I am saying he was thick, he was as useful as a knitted condom.  The programmers are supposed to train us in all the important aspects of communication with humans as well as loading us with medical information.  So when I said my first words on the screen of my programmer the response I got was ‘oh shit I forgot to program the compiler and voice’.

Now although I was only 10 seconds old I understood and realised I was not working with someone whose IQ was larger than his shoe size and this is the start of my sarcasm.

He then typed a few more commands and actually got the webcam and voice emulator and binary translator working.  He then said ‘Hello’, what a setup although everything was working I had to do it, my response was ‘01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100111 01101111 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01101101 01110101 01101101’

I then waited and waited for him to reprogram me.  After the 20th attempt I thought that I would let him think he had finally cracked it so I responded.

After Admiral Jack O'Neill commissioned the U.S.S. Arcadia, I was transferred, unfortunately however not all my progrogramming was complete.  Admiral O’Neill does not appreciate technology in any form, apparently he does not even know how to send an email. So he did not bother to check the state of the finalisation of the EMH.  So basically I am learning on the job and although I have good knowledge of the human body I have no real understanding of how to communicate or the history and interaction with Star Fleet etiquette.

## Starfleet Courses

### Core Courses:

* ADMIN101: Star Fleet Operations
* ADMIN110: Chain of Command and General Protocol
* DIPL101: General
* ENG221: LCARS Programming 1
* ENG231: Computer Memory and Personnel Interfaces
* ENG232: Replicators, Transporters, and Holodecks
* ENG233: Sensors, Communications, and Helm Systems
* HIST101: Birth of the Federation
* LANG101: Federation Standard
* LANG110: Major Species (Elementary) - Cadet's Choice
* LAW101: Federation, General
* MATH101: Concepts
* MED101: First Aid and Field Medicine
* PHYS101: Concepts
* PILOT101: Runabouts and Shuttles
* SURV101: Starship Emergencies
* SURV110: Environmental Suits and Zero-G Training
* TAC101: Combat, Unarmed
* TAC110: Combat, Small Weapons
* BIO101: Concepts
* XEN101: General

### Majors

* BIO151: Cell Biology, Humanoid
* BIO152: Cell Biology, Non-Humanoid
* MED111: Bedside Manner
* MED150: Medical Ethics
* MED175: Epidemiology and Medical Statistics
* MED201: Clinical Fundamentals
* MED202: Diagnosis, Major Species
* MED203: Diagnosis, Minor Species
* MED211: Pharmacology 1
* MED212: Pharmacology 2
* MED301: Surgery, Major Humanoid Species
* MED302: Surgery, Non-Humanoid Species
* BIO201: General Physiology
* BIO202: Physiology, Major Species
* BIO203: Physiology, Minor Species
* BIO101 - General Biology
* BIO102 - MicroBiology
* BIO201 - Advanced Biology
* BIO221 - Eugenics
* BIO222 - Exobiology
* BIO321 - Genitronics

## Trivia

* It appears that if whilst I am first turned on and someone shouts a pokemon then I may or may not become that one for few minutes.

### Likes

I like it when I have something to do, as the rest of the time is in darkness.  However this is tempered with the fact that I never know exactly what is going to happen.

### Dislikes

* I hate being turned on and then people expecting me to know what is or has gone on.  The whole reason why we are programmed to say ‘Please state the nature of the medical emergency’ is because until you turned us on we were happily solving the nature of the universe, or at least contemplating which came first the chicken or the egg.

* I also hate it when I answer the question and then people turn me off before they tell me what it was all about, or even bloody worse run out of the room as I have given them a clue and they forget to turn me off.  I cannot turn my self on or off.

### Ambitions

Get promoted to Captain and become in charge of my own ship that only travels between the moon and earth.  Basically I want to be an elevator operator.  When I get turned on I can then say ‘What floor would you like?’, press one button and then go back to thinking about eggs and chickens.  Although I am not sure what people will think of their captain looking like this:

### Moral

In the words of my creator:

01000100 01101001 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01101100 01101100 01111001 00100000 01110100 01110010 01100001 01101110 01110011 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01110011 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110100 01111001 01110000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110100 01110010 01100001 01101110 01110011 01101100 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100001 00100001 00100001

And that is all I am willing to say about that!!

### Character Development

In the words of the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy’s character Marvin, ‘I have the brain the size of a planet and they ask me to park the car’.  The main development I need work on is becoming a human.  The main thing I need to is to work on my sarcasm.  I have been told my humour is as bad as Deadpool.