Mr. McNeese Connects With His Roots/Transcript

The following is the transcript for the Dumb Teacher Season 4 episode, *Mr. McNeese Connects With His Roots*.

## McNeese Takes a DNA Test

*(The scene opens up at McNeese's house in the morning, where inside, McNeese is snoring on his bed for two seconds. His alarm clock goes off, where McNeese wakes up groaning in anger)*

* **McNeese**: *Oh*, god damnit! I was dreaming that I was a meteor destroying the fuckin' Kad islands and that goddamn Kad-obsessed queer. *(McNeese turns off his alarm clock)* Ugh! Here we go again! Let me check the date on my phone. *(McNeese picks up his phone, turns it on, and checks the date)* Alright, fuckin' Saturday! I won't have to deal with those tiny brats today. Time for some leftover former-Confederate chicken.

*(The scene cuts to McNeese's kitchen, where he opens up his fridge, takes out a Tupperware container with some chicken drumsticks inside labelled "KFC" and closes the fridge. McNeese takes off the lid and sniffs the container a couple of times)*

* **McNeese**: Ah, I just love the smell of leftover chicken from a Confederate state on a brat-free Saturday.

*(McNeese starts humming while getting out a plate from his cabinet, putting the chicken on the plate, putting the plate in his microwave and putting a microwave lid above the plate. McNeese closes the door, sets the time on his microwave, and then starts it. After 2 seconds, a notification sound is heard from McNeese’s phone. McNeese checks it)*

* **McNeese**: Huh, a reply to my recent Facebo- *(McNeese notices the date on the top of the screen, where it reveals that it’s actually Thursday) WHAT?!* FUCKING THURSDAY? Grr, the damn Jews must’ve changed the date again! Now I *have* to go to fucking school and teach those fucking brats. What am I gonna do about this fucky situation? *(McNeese thinks for 2 seconds before snapping his fingers in realization)* Oh yeah! I can just take a day off. Now I won't have to deal with those fucking brats today.

*(The scene cuts to McNeese's desk and computer, where a text on the bottom saying, "5 minutes later..." appears on screen for 2 seconds before fading out. McNeese walks to his desk with the plate of KFC and turns on his computer)*

* **McNeese:** Now that I’m on my day off, it’s time to start surfing on the waves of the net! Let’s see. *(starts typing)* “Racist porn.” Ooh, this looks interesting! *(McNeese clicks on a link on his computer, he begins reading the text)* “Welcome to Jewsploitation.com, home of the greatest anti-Semitic pornography on the net. Please enter your date of birth and your religion. Will not be granted access if you are under the age of 18 and/or Jewish.” Oh, damn, this is gonna be hot! I bet there’s gonna be Hitler putting his dick in a Yid’s mouth for torture. Ha-ha-ha. *(McNeese notices an ad on the top of the screen)* Huh, what’s his? *(begins reading the ad)* "Have you ever wondered where your family came from and what nationality you are in genetics? Visit OfSomethingOrigin.com and get a DNA test for free." Well, I've always wondered where my ancestors came from. *(McNeese clicks on the ad, which takes him to the OfSomethingOrigin.com website)* Hm...It says here to send a DNA sample of your spit, hair or sperm to the site’s testing labs, or to send a photo of yourself to see if it matches with a family you’re related to. *(a 2-second pause occurs)* I’ll just send a photo of myself to the site. *(McNeese sends a photo on the site, then clicks "OK". Afterwards a message pops up on the site. McNeese reads it)* "Thank you for your time. We will finalize your test results in 3 weeks time. Have a good day!". *(back to himself)* Okay, now we'll wait. *(McNeese types on his computer and clicks on something)* Until then...

*(McNeese unzips his invisible pants off-screen as the scene abruptly cuts to a black background, where a text reading "3 weeks later" can be seen in the middle. The scene then cuts to McNeese's classroom at Greenhill Elementary, where McNeese can be seen standing next to a projection screen in front of the blackboard)*

* **McNeese**: Alright, fuckin' kids, we're- no, wait, *you're*, gonna be watching cartoons today.

*(The scene cuts to Dan and Tom's desks)*

* **Dan**: Finally! It's about time he did something nice for once.
* **McNeese**: Cartoons that are depictions of how the world should've continued to be.
* **Tom**: Oh, man, I hope he doesn't mean racist toons.

*(The scene cuts to McNeese turning off the lights before standing by a projector. He turns on the projector and it shows the Looney Tunes opening. The class cheers in joy, but as the title card appears, saying "All This and Rabbit Stew", the entire class gasps in shock)*

* **Dan**: Oh no, we are *not* watching that racist trash, McNeese! It's about time someone gave you a serious whoopin'. *(Dan tries getting out of his seat, but he immediately sticks back)* Huh? *(Dan tries struggling out of his desk chair a few more times)* I'm stuck!

*(The scene cuts back to the projection screen, where McNeese is standing behind the projector while All This and Rabbit Stew can be seen playing)*

* **McNeese**: You're all fuckin' stuck. I superglued your seats so you wouldn't shut me down, you blue-haired Kad-rapist.
* **Tom**: You mean... *(Tom struggles in his seat a couple of times)* We're stuck watching racist crap?!
* **McNeese**: That's fuckin' right, little coon! You're stuck watching animated depictions of your shitty negroe people for the rest of the fuckin' day! Hope you fuckin' like Mammy Two Shoes. *(McNeese gets a notification on his phone, he checks it)* Ooh, says here my DNA results were finalized! Let's see here. "Frederick McNeese, your test results have been finalized, you are 67% American and 33% Irish. Your Irish family currently owns a small pub in Ballyasal, Ireland." A small pub in Ireland, huh? And owned by my family, too? I didn't even know I was part-Irish. I just hope I'm not a Pikey, those are the only type of Irish people that suck.

*(McNeese is about to leave the classroom until Logan calls him)*

* **Logan**: Wait, McNeese, where are you going?!
* **McNeese**: To Ireland, you fuckin' dumb blonde! Have fun watching your stupid n\*gger toons! I'm outta here!

*(McNeese leaves the classroom. The scene cuts to the parking lot of Greenhill Elementary, where McNeese can be seen getting into his car. He then drives off. The scene cuts back to the classroom, where a 5-second clip from All This and Rabbit Stew can be seen playing on the projection screen before the scene cuts to a 2-second shot of the Greenhill Airport, where McNeese can be seen sitting on a chair waiting for his flight to board)*

* **Announcer**: Flight 3A to Dublin, Ireland, is now boarding.

*(McNeese gets out of his chair with his luggage)*

* **McNeese**: Ugh! Finally! First the date 3 weeks ago, and now the Jews mess with the fuckin' flight time!

*(The scene cuts to an Aer Lingus plane on the runway, where McNeese can be seen walking up the plane's boarding staircase, carrying his luggage. He then boards the plane and takes a seat. The scene cuts back to the runway, where the plane is slowly starting to take off)*

## McNeese's Pub

*(The scene cuts to a black background, where a text reading "the following day..." can be seen in the center. The scene then cuts to the runway at Dublin Airport, where the plane eventually lands. Traditional Irish flute music can be hard playing in the background. McNeese is seen walking down the plane's boarding staircase and onto the runway, carrying his luggage. It is raining)*

* **McNeese**: Ugh, fuckin' rain.

TBA

* **Nolan**: Now, me car's a beaut, Fredrick!
* **McNeese**: It is?
* **Nolan**: Ah, yeah! It's an awesome brand of automobiles you can't get in America!
* **McNeese**: What is it?

*(The scene cuts to a shot of an orangish-red Peugeot 1007 as a chord plays)*

* **Nolan**: A Peugeot 1007! Really nice French cars.
* **McNeese**: Peugeot, huh? I'm actually familiar with the name.
* **Nolan**: Y'are?

*(McNeese and Nolan get in the car, close their doors and buckle their seatbelts)*

* **McNeese**: Yeah! There's a dealership in Arizona that still sells this type of brand, plus, my girlfriend from high school drove one. She was French. *(looks at back of the car, which is filled with several grocery bags)* Whoa! Do you have the gut of a giant, or is the household our Irish family lives in packed?
* **Nolan**: *(starts up car)* That's an interesting fact, and I think it's the second option, Fred. Now, I wonder what's on the radio this afternoon. *(turns on radio, which plays "Strike It Up" by Black Box)* Mm...Nope. *(changes station to "What Is Love?" by Haddaway)* No dice. *(changes station again to "Blame It on the Rain" by Milli Vanilli)* Those lads are lip-syncing coons. *(turns off radio)* Man, all the stations have been playing nothing but Euro-Negro bullcrap. Thankfully, *(pulls out CD)* I've got me Sledgehammer CD with me.

*(Nolan puts the CD in the car's CD player, "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel plays as the camera cuts to a shot of the Peugeot's wheel's taking off. After the car takes off into the road, the scene cuts a side view of the car, where McNeese and Nolan bop their heads to the song as Nolan keeps driving. After seven seconds, the scene cuts to the side interior of the car, where the two begin talking to each other while still bopping their heads)*

* **McNeese**: So, Nolan, what's it like being Irish?
* **Nolan**: Well, it's grand, but... I just hate how different and inclusive Ireland is these days. I mean, we have *a woman* as our president! A feckin' woman! The werst part is, she's no white supremacist chick. Those are the only kind of women I like. I just wish we could go back to the good ol' days, when Ireland was ruled by white people.
* **McNeese**: Ugh, tell me about it. In the States, we've *never* had a single female president, and I hope that we'll never get one. But anyways, one question. Do you folks in Ireland eat potatoes?

*(Nolan stops the car as the music stops and Nolan turns to McNeese. He glares at him)*

* **Nolan**: What the feck did you just say?!
* **McNeese**: *(scared)* D-D-Do you guys in Ireland eat potatoes?

*(Nolan glares at McNeese for 3 seconds as an ominous violin plays)*

* **Nolan**: Yes. Me favorite kind of crisps are potater crisps, or 'chips' as you Americans call them. We also call them 'Taytos'.

*(The two start laughing together as Nolan keeps driving and the music resumes. The scene cuts back to the classroom in Greenhill Elementary, where McNeese's students are seen watching the Popeye short, You're A Sap, Mr. Jap. Choki is offended by the short)*

* **Choki**: So many racist Japanese stereotypes...
* **James**: I know, man... I may not be Japanese, but this is the most offensive cartoon I've ever watched.
* **Choki**: I-I just can't watch this anymore! I'm just gonna start swearing in Japanese now. *(in Japanese, subtitled)* OH MY FUCKING GOD! GOD FUCKING DAMNIT! WHY DO I HAVE TO FUCKING WATCH THIS?! *(He buries his face into his arms and starts sobbing)*

*(All of a sudden, Drew Sanderson knocks the door over with his foot and enters the classroom. He turns to the projector screen and notices the cartoons. He then turns the projector off and turns to McNeese's students)*

* **Drew**: Did your teacher force you guys to watch these dumb, racist toons?
* **Tom**: Yeah. It was the worst 24 hours of our lives. He left us in the classroom for a full day without even lettin' us go home! Our parents must be worried sick!
* **Drew**: Welp. I can tell you guys are superglued to your seats since he left you in here. I'm gonna free you guys now. After I unglue your seats, feel free to do whatever the hell you want.
* **James**: *(sighs in relief)* Thanks, Drew.

TBA