Jungkook/The Notes

**The Notes** by **Jungkook**, written in the form of diary entries.

"What are your dreams, Hyungs?" I asked. My hyungs looked back at me. "I need to write a research paper about the future," I mumbled.

Seokjin Hyung spoke first. "I do not think I have any dreams. Maybe I just want to be a good person..." Seokjin Hyung trailed off in embarrassment.

Then, Yoongi Hyung spoke. He was lying on a piano chair. He said in a gentle voice, "It's okay if you don't have a dream. I don't have a dream either. I'll just be a nobody." Everyone laughed at Yoongi Hyung's words.

"I'm going to be a superhero." Taehyung Hyung stood up on his chair and stroke a pose, as if he were going to fly. Hoseok Hyung held his arm.
"If you don't get down you're going to fall and get hurt, Taehyung."

"I want to find my mother and live happily," Hoseok Hyung added. "To be happy will be my dream."

"So, does that mean you are unhappy now, Hoseok?" It was Jimin Hyung who asked that.
Hoseok frowned, and seemed to really think about Jimin's question. "Is that how it works?"

"What is your dream?" I asked Jimin Hyung.

"What is your dream? Me?" Jimin Hyung looked embarrassed. "I wanted to be a president in kindergarten, but now I don't know what I want to do," he confessed.

Namjoon Hyung was the last person left who had to answer. He shrugged and answered, feeling everyone's expectant gaze on him. "I want to say something good, but I haven't really dreamed at all. I just want my wage to increase my parttime job."

I looked down at the assignment paper I had gotten, nodding. The future career section was divided into students and parents. I had no idea what I wanted to be. I didn't know what to write down on the paper.

I gently touched the piano keys with my fingertip, leaving my finger smudged in the dust. As soft as I could I pressed my finger to the keys, the piano let out a sound different from the songs Yoongi would play. Yoongi has not been to school for ten days. Today I heard that he had been expelled. Namjoon and Hoseok didn't say anything, and I didn't say anything because I was too scared to hear the answer.

Two weeks ago, before the teacher had come to the secret location, there was only me and Yoongi here. There was an open inspection that day, and I didn't want to stay in class so I ran here. When I came in, he didn't even look back, just played the piano as I lay on the desks to take a nap. In theory, Yoongi and the piano exist as two separate things, but it was hard to see them apart. I don't know why, but hearing his playing made me want to cry. When it felt as if the tears would soon fall, I hastily turned onto my back. Just then, the door opened with an explosive bang. The piano music stopped. I was slapped so hard I fell to the ground. I huddled on the ground, listening to the barrage of angry words thrown at me, only for it to suddenly stop. I turned and saw that Yoongi had punched the teacher back, then sheltered me with his whole body. Past his shoulders, I could see the anger on that teacher's face.

I pressed the piano keys again, trying to play a tune Yoongi used to play. Had he really been expelled? Will I ever see him again? He has said before that getting a beating was routine for him. If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have hit the teacher.

If it wasn't for me, Yoongi would still be here playing the piano.
 **30 September Year 20**

"Jeon Jungkook, you're not still going there are you?"

I did not respond in any way. I stood, looking at my shoes. I was hit over the head with the attendance sheet. But I still did not open my mouth. It was the last place I had been in together with my friends. From the day I discovered the classroom, there has not been a day that I have not entered it. Even the others didn't know this. There were times they didn't even come, saying they had some activity or were busy with part-time work. Yoongi and Jin would sometimes not show up for days on end.

But not me. I went to the classroom every day without fail. There were days in which not a single person came. But it was still fine. The fact that this place exists means that if not today, tomorrow; if not tomorrow, the day after; My friends would come – so it was okay.

"Because you hung out together, you only learned bad habits." I was hit once more. I raised my eyes and stared the teacher down. I was hit again. I remembered Yoongi getting hit. I grit my teeth and bore it. I did not want to lie and say I hadn't been to the classroom.

Now, I stand in front of it once again. I feel like if I open the door, my friends would be inside. That they'd be gathered playing a game, turn to look at me, and ask why I was so late. Seokjin and Namjoon would be reading, Taehyung would be playing games, Yoongi playing the piano and Hoseok and Jimin would be dancing. But as I open the door, all I see is Hoseok. He was packing away our remaining items in the classroom. I clutched the door handle, just standing there. He came over to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. And he took me outside.

"Let's go, now." Behind our backs, the classroom door shut. I realized it then.

Those days were gone, and they would not come again.

I finally fulfilled my wish. When I saw the delinquents on the street I purposely bumped into them and got beaten up. I couldn't help but laugh as they beat me. My laughter leads them to call me crazy and hit me harder. I leaned against the shutters and looked at the dark sky. It was late at night. There was nothing to see in the sky. I saw grass that reminded me of how I felt— easily blown over by the wind. I felt the tears coming and purposefully made myself cry.

When I closed my eyes I saw an image of my stepfather clearing his throat. My stepbrother continuously kicking me while laughing. My stepfather's relatives would look elsewhere or talk about meaningless things. It was as if I didn't exist as if I was nothing. In front of them, my mother stood helplessly. I started coughing from the dust. My chest hurt as if someone had taken a knife to it. I climbed up the roof of the construction site. The dark colors of the night seemed to overshadow the city. I walked on top of the railing, holding out both of my hands for balance. At that moment I nearly stumbled and fell. The brief moment reminded me that I could easily die if I just took one more step. Would death bring the end of anything? 1

No one would be sad if I wasn't around.
 **11 April Year 22**@Smeraldo\_Books: My phone rang. I came back to myself as if awakened from a long dream. I took out my phone. It was Yoongi. |  | **2 May Year 22**

I lifted my head to see Namjoon in front of the container. He opened the door and stepped inside. He gathered all the garments scattered around the floor as a blanket and huddled there. The chill came. As my whole body shook badly, I felt like I wanted to cry. But I couldn't even do that much.

When I opened the door and entered, Yoongi was standing on top of the bed. The train of the sheet was blazing on fire. At that moment, an anger and fear that I could not contain enveloped me whole. I was not someone who could speak well. Expressing my feelings, persuading another; I was awkward at both. As tears gathered and I began to cough, it became even harder to speak. The only words I could spit out as I ran into the blaze was

"We said we'd all go to the sea together."

"Why are you like this? Did you have a nightmare or something?" Due to someone shaking my shoulder, I opened my eyes. It was Namjoon. Strangely enough, a feeling of security fell upon me. He lay his hand on me and said I had a fever. It really felt like I did. The inside of mouth felt like it was boiling, but it was intensely cold otherwise. I had a splitting headache and my throat hurt. I could barely have the medicine he gave me.

"Sleep more. Let's talk later." I nodded my head. And then I spoke.

"Would I be able to become an adult like you?" Namjoon turned to look at me.
 **22 May Year 22**

I was lightheaded. I struggled to stay upright. My body was numb. Heavy. My eyelids were too heavy to open, my mouth unable to move.
I couldn't swallow. Couldn't breathe. I started losing my conscious and everything around me started fading. My body was in shock. I was shaking. Where did this pain and thirst come from? Was there sand across my eyes or was I blinded by something else?

Something big and light appeared in the distant. It was unclear. The haze moved away and suddenly, the realization shocked me even more. It was a moon. My head might've been tilted backwards, maybe not. Either way the whole world seemed to be upside down.

I tried to cough. Nothing. I tried to move. Still nothing. Then the cold came. I was so scared. I desperately tried to speak, but nothing came. My vision started to fail me as darkness crept through the corners of my eyes. As I lost consciousness a voice, cold, started to speak.

"To live will be even more painful than dying."

I stood by the window with my headphones on humming softly to the song. It had been a week. I didn't have to look at the lyrics to sing along to the song anymore. I took the headphones off one ear to listen to my soft voice. Although I liked the beautiful lyrics they still made me shy. I scratched my head. The huge window lets in the bright sunlight of July. The trees swayed gently in the wind. Every time the light shined on my face it felt different. I closed my eyes. Closing my eyes filtered out the light. I started singing again. I didn't know if it was because of the lyrics, or the song, or what, but it felt as if my heart had been painfully broken.
 **2 July Year 22**

As I made my way down the hospital corridor I sneakily broke a flower off one of the wreaths I passed. I bowed and smiled as I wheeled my wheelchair past people, hoping to distract them from the stolen flower I held gently.
As I knocked on one of the hospital room's doors I couldn't help but notice how brightly the sun shone outside. Midsummer sunlight indeed. I waited after knocking, but there was no reply. Knocking again, I decided no one was occupying the room. I opened the door.

No one was there. Quiet darkness was the only presence filling the small room.
I left the room, disappointed. I'd met her here when I was bored. I was entertaining myself by wheeling my wheelchair speedily up and down the empty corridor. I hadn't seen her at the end of the corridor outside her little room's door before I was right in front of her, screeching to a halt. I remembered that day with a grateful warm feeling in my heart.

Her hair was tied up in a ponytail. That was the start of our almost always silent friendship. I went out into the garden as I remembered our first meeting in that corridor, spotting the bench where we had listened to music and drawn together.
As I held the small little flower in my hand, a certain, small rock of sadness settled in the pit of my stomach.

Now that she was gone, I'd have no one to give this little flower to anymore.

Looking back, the hospital was quite far away... The bench that I left the wildflower on. The window we looked out of to see the river.
They couldn't be seen anymore. Looking back she actually gave me a chance to breathe while I was in the hospital. She was fresh air blowing through the stuffy place. I'd sit with her on the bench in the late afternoon and we'd just talk and talk until the sun went down. I told her about my hideout, my trip to the beach
and the way we all had walked to the train station.

And in turn she told me about every small little corner of the hospital: The best window to see the river. The staircase you could take to sneak to the hospital's rooftop. She practically knew everything about the hospital. Her room was empty. I didn't know if she'd been discharged or if she'd moved to another hospital. I asked the nurses, but they didn't tell me a thing.

I started walking around, trying to look for her. My heart felt incredibly empty. My school days seemed so far away in that moment. Most stories I'd told her had been about what I'd gotten up to with my Hyungs. Stories I'd told her had usually started with the word 'Hyungs'.

I was always alone if I wasn't with them. They were my friends, my family and my teachers. I lived life when I was in their companionship. I existed with them. When I started to have this kind of mindset, I have no idea. But one day they might not be around anymore...

One day I might go to see them, only to find no one there, with no explanation as to why they left... Just like she disappeared from the hospital without a word of goodbye. I don't think anything worse than that could ever happen to me... I remembered that night. The night the full moon was huge, a parallel/flipped world cast in moonlight. Headlights from a car seen in my peripheral vision. The shape of the car and it's bright tail lights. The familiar sound of the engine.

I didn't want to assume that I knew whose car it was. I didn't want to make any assumptions or accusations. But at the same time, I couldn't stop thinking about it...