Election Day

**"Election Day"** is the third episode of the first season of Slightly Above Average and the third episode overall. It was written by Josh Palmer.

This episode takes place on September 17th.

### Quotes

PRINCIPAL MIKE: Well, it’s time for the yearly Alpine Middle School election. I am so “excited.” To be completely honest, this election is just a popularity contest. The posters and speeches don’t even matter. It’s just whoever has the most friends, gets the most votes. It’s as simple as that. But, there’s always the odd candidate that will actually beat the popular kid in the election. Actually, scratch that. It never happens.

MR. HALOWAY: I personally love the election! It’s a great way to get students engaged in school activities and at the end of the day it’s just all fun, even if you lose. Is it a popularity contest? Absolutely not. The winners are just always the people with the most friends… Oh man, it is a popularity contest. (Long pause) But, uh… the posters do really brighten up the hallway… so that’s a bright side.

LIAM: I really feel bad for Alan. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to run unopposed. (Long pause) What does unopposed mean?

Alice grabs his hat, flag, pin and lollipop and throws them into a trash can.

FRED: Hey! I was gonna eat that pin!

ALICE (to Liam and Fred): How am I gonna beat Conner? He seems to have this election in the bag.

LIAM: Hmm, you could…

FRED: You could throw dog poop at him until he gives up and lets you be president!

FRED: It was a good idea! It was worth getting detention for.

LIAM: Okay, here’s a really good one… CONNER WAS ADOPTED!

ALICE: Was he?

LIAM: I don’t know… but if he was… we’ll finally reveal his secret.

MR. TEKIN: So, everyone, don’t forget to vote Conner White for sixth grade president! I officially endorse him! VOTE WHITE, HE TIGHT! Wait, what are you (counts them) one, two, three, FOUR doing? It doesn’t look like you’re playing Minecraft!

ALICE: Oh, Mr. Tekin, we’re just-

MR. TEKIN: Oh wait, I don’t actually care, do whatever you want.

APRIL (While typing): Conner White was born in a sewer, he never went to school for the first 10 years of his life. Then he was adopted by some idiot rich people and is now a spoiled brat who likes to be mean to people. Do you really want this spoiled jerk to be the president of your grade? I hope not! “But who should I vote for?” you may be asking. To that, I have an answer; VOTE ALICE GREENFIELD, the incredibly smart, average looking… girl, who is… also running for sixth grade president.

FRED: Wow!

LIAM: That’s actually good!

ALICE: Average looking?

APRIL: Well, I couldn’t lie.

ALICE: You used up all their ink?!?

APRIL: Yup.

ALICE: They have 12 printers!

APRIL: 11 now, I broke one.

PRINCIPAL MIKE: … to conclude, I don’t really care about this election and I’m going to McDonalds. So… without further ado, I now leave it to Mr. Haloway to announce the candidates.

MR. HALOWAY: I ran for vice president in seventh grade. It was a fun time. I lost though, didn’t get a single vote. It was kinda weird, especially because I was the only one running for vice president.

CONNER: Thank you, thank you everyone! My name is Conner White, but everyone here already knows me of course. I just want to start out by saying that a vote for me won't only make me extremely happy, but it will also make this questionable school into paradise on earth! Thus, making you extremely happy as well! … and not only will we be the first school in the world to have an entire trampoline park in the front lawn, we will also have the first bathrooms on EARTH to have SEVEN PLY TOILET PAPER! You heard me SEVEN PLY! … and I just want to end my speech by acknowledging my opposition, Annie Bluegrass. We both have an equal shot at winning this election and I just want to wish her luck as she attempts to claim the same throne I’m attempting to claim. Everyone, raise your hands to Alexandra Gremlin- is what I would have said, if this terrible EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN hadn’t had the audacity to mutilate my poster by putting a huge paper covered with heartless mean and rude insults against yours truly! That’s right! Check the hallways! It’s true! Every one of my beautiful posters are covered from the eyes down with these ugly papers! Shame on you Alexa, shame on you Ms. Gumdrop. Sorry to end my speech on such a negative note. I promise from the bottom of my heart that this is not the kind of person I am. So, to conclude my speech… VOTE WHITE!

THE AUDIENCE: HE TIGHT!

ALICE: Hello. (Mic squeeks) I am Alice Greenfield. I just want to say that I think I would be a very good sixth grade president here at Alpine Middle School. (Gaining confidence) I will make decisions not based on how expensive and luxurious the objects and ideas are, but based on how they will impact this school in a positive way!

LIAM: Yeah!

FRED: Go Alice!

APRIL: (Snores)

Nobody else says anything.

ALICE: I will help improve this school day by day, working within the budget. If you vote for me, you might not get a trampoline park, a sauna in the bathroom, a vending machine by every classroom, or seven ply toilet paper! But you will get-

THE AUDIENCE: BUT WE WANT SEVEN PLY TOILET PAPER!

THE AUDIENCE: WE WANT A TRAMPOLINE PARK!

THE AUDIENCE: WE WANT MORE VENDING MACHINES!

ALICE: Well, I’m sorry, that's a bit unrealistic. But maybe, with a lot of hard work and determination, we can get a few more vending machines, and some three ply toilet paper. Maybe we can upgrade the playground! Conner White is full of empty promises! But if you vote for me, I will actually follow through with trying to meet your demands! Conner just wants the glory, I want to actually help you! I’ve wanted to be a class president since I was in second grade! Vote Greenfield! Make Alpine Middle School a happier place! One step at a time!

She exits the podium. There is silence. Then Liam, Fred and April start clapping.

LIAM: GOOD JOB ALICE!

FRED: AMAZING SPEECH!

APRIL: CAN YOU DO IT AGAIN? I FELL ASLEEP!

ALICE: So, I didn’t win. I never really thought I had a chance. I made some choices I regret, namely, literally defacing Conner’s posters with kinda stupid insults. But when all is said and done, this was a great experience! I had fun! And I’ll run for seventh grade class president next year!

Conner runs up to her.

CONNER: Nerd girl!

ALICE: Uh… yeah?

CONNER: How did you know??

ALICE: How did I know what?

CONNER: That I was adopted!