Dominic Dierkes, Our Close Friend

**"Dominic Dierkes, Our Close Friend"** is the seventeenth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Sean and Hayes are back from the Sundance Film Festival to share their Top Picks for this year’s Breakout Artist. Then, Sean’s protégé DOMINIC DIERKES joins the boys to discuss the ins and outs of his infamous Fart Gun sketch, make each other feel old, and speak on why there is no white history month as they reach into the Popcorn Gallery.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Sean and Hayes talk over the intro theme explaining that Brett has muted the mics and that nothing can be heard. Hayes mentions that it is episode 16, when in actuality it was episode 17.
* Usually Sean and Hayes take 4 engineers with them to Sundance, but this year they decided not to bring any. They usually make the engineers sleep in the Tub, and there's no shower head, so they have to take a bath. This year they had to scale back and couldn't take any engineers (they were too naughty).
* Sean calls Engineer Brett the best of a rotten bunch
* All of Sundance is too sucky fucky. It's the Sundance Film Festival not the Sundance Fuck Festival.
* Sundance is a great time to shred some pow (powder). Hayes and Sean have built a full pipe and did loop-de-loops all day, some anti-gravity shit
* Fast and Furious was actually supposed to be about Hayes and Seans snowboarding, but they couldn't afford them, so they just made it about some car bullshit.
* The breakout stars of Sundance are Zaff Braff. So funny, smart, moving, and scary they didn't watch it. They always pick a male and a female break out star. Sisters is doing it for themselves! Cameron Crowe is a filmmaker, not the same, or even related to Cameron Diaz. "Oh my. Good for sisters."
* Sean and Hayes, and the other festival attendees, could order their movies right their in the room! The sucking and fucking everyone tended to do this year at Sundance may have leaked into the content. The movies available in Sean and Hayes' hotel room were *King Black Butts, Slurpy Cum Queen, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Ding Dong Challengers,* and *Creamy, Creamy, oooh Creamy*. Those were the movies Hayes and Sean watched, and they didn't really seem to be regular Sundance films.
* Hayes was refreshed by the male characters who shared a certain... attribute, with he and Sean. A certain... endowment.

### Guest Segment

* Dominic is thankful Sean graced him with the title 'Writing Partner' usually writing partners get 50-50 split in pay, but Sean and Dominic have an agreement where Dominic only earns what he deserves in what he writes. He can't wait to earn his first check.
* Dominic and Sean don't play any sports together, therefore they aren't too close
* Sean told his assistant Bordelstein to get Dom on the plane after seeing the sketch
* Dominic discusses his famous "Fart Gun" sketch
	+ Dominic actually named the sketch 'Guns' to which Sean disagrees with. He says Fart Guns is funnier so he should have named it that.
	+ Hayes asks if the joke of the sketch is supposed to be how unoriginal it is
* Dominic makes Hayes laugh by pointing his "finger gun" at him and making a fart noise. Hayes "I um, I have an apology to make. I was wrong about you. I see it, I totally get it".
* Sean warned Hayes, upon first sending it along to him, that the video is Not Safe For Pants (NSFP). Because you're going to pee your pants.
* Dominic is thinking of doing a sequel to the fart gun sketch
* Dominic makes a joke about a big of fat guy bending over and shit all over. Sean gets on to him for being vulgar.
* Hayes gives Dominic advice, and he seems reluctant to it, Hayes reassures him that he doesn't have to take the advice, he's just trying to help is all. Sean demonstrates the point that you don't always have to take advice, but it could rub the other guy the wrong way and find yourself on the wrong end of an ass kicking.
* The boys make each other feel old, then finally some relief and make 'em feel young.
	+ Sean to Dominic: "Hey wanna feel old?" "Yeah, what's up? Yeah. I like feelin' old." "Right at this moment, you're older than Zach Morris was when he graduated from Bayside."
	+ Sean: "Hayes, wanna feel old?" "I guess.." "The first Beatles Album came out over 30 years ago."
	+ Dominic to Hayes: "Hayes, you wanna feel old?" "I, I already feel pretty old, but I guess I could feel older.." "If that show, uh, that show *Family Matters* was real Urkel would be 75. He would be 75 years old. Today." "God, I *am* old."
	+ Sean: "Dom, you wanna feel old?" "Oh. Yeah. OK.." "If, if dinosaurs were around today, they'd be twice as old as Jurassic Park."
	+ Dominic to Hayes: "You wanna feel young?" "YES." "That movie *Avatar*? It just came out in, like, the past 5 years.""Ah, that feels great."
	+ Sean: "Hayes, ya wanna feel young?" "Please." "*The Artist* won Best Picture a couple of years ago." "Aw man, I'm really young!"
	+ Dominic: "Hayes, ya wanna feel, young?" "YEAH." "K, the ffirst iPhone, it was it was, like, not even 10 years ago. Right? Like 5? Ya know actually, I don't know, I didn't. I didn't have that one in front of me."
	+ Sean: "Dominic, ya wanna feel young?" "Yeah," "Friggin' hybrid cars. Ya know like, those are starting to really catch on."
	+ Dominic: "Sean ya wanna feel young?" "Please" "Eat, uh, like, eat Goji berries. Ya eat goji berries."
* Dominic sneezes. Hayes: "Are you sick?" "A little bit, yeah. No no, just a little sneeze, just allergies, you know." "But you would come and do this show, and be sick? ("yeah, yeah..") And spit all over the mic, even though you... ("I tried to turn away").. (to Sean) did you know he was sick?" Sean: "And spit and piss on the mic, and kiss both of our cheeks?" "Did you know he was sick?" "Oh I had, I *swear to God, Hayes.* I SWEAR TO GOD, you have to believe me. I *really* didn't know." (To Dominic) "You told him, that you weren't sick?" "I'm--I'm. Look, look. I had e-mailed him, trying to schedule this for so long and you guys kept kicking it down the road, and kicking it down the road. And then this, and then he, and then when he, when he e-mail back and said 'This date's firm! we're actually gonna, we actually need somebody, because everyone we know has dropped out, (rambles incoherently)'" "Well, no, nobody *dropped out* on us." "Oh! Well, whatever. I didn't mean it like that.." Hayes: "Dom.. do you know who's using that microphone after this?" "Who?" "ANDREW TI!!" "OK, yeah, no, and I'll apologize to.. I'll apologize." Sean: "Yo, is this GERMS?" Hayes: "He could go to the HOSPITAL! (cutting Dom off) Because you were selfish! (Again, cutting) And then NO ONE WOULD KNOW IF THIS WAS RACIST." "I just thought.. I-I-I actually just wanted to do it so bad, that I just thought I could push through, and, honestly, I thought that you guys wouldn't notice, I thought you guys wouldn't notice that I was a little bit sick." "Well guess then YOU WILL host the show instead of him, as if!" Sean: "Please, don't make us laugh with that funny joke. Don't make us laugh with that funny joke that you could host "Yo, Is This Racist?" as if you could even tell if it was racist!"

## Recurring Segments

* Popcorn Gallery
	1. Papa John Leguizamo - "Dominic, why is there no white history month?"
		+ It's absolutely unfair, but he gets the politics of it.
	2. Burdrulz - "Dominic: Vacation or Staycation?"
		+ Depends on where you live.
	3. Bill Russell Crowe - "Dom, I was recently apprehended at LAX for yelling "Dom" when I saw you moon-walking across the baggage claim conveyor belt. Do you ever think about changing your name to something that doesn't sound so much like bomb?"
		+ Dominic gets this question a lot, he first says that no he hasn't thought about changing his name.
* Pro Version - Andy Kneis - He gets a foam mic cover which is unfortunate because of Dominic's allergies, so he gets the unused mic cover.

## Recurring Jokes

* One Eighth Native American- Sean says he's an outsider on the black/white history month debate because he is 1/8th Native American. Sean feels pretty good when he's out as his totem pole, he feels very connected to his ancestors.
* Newspaper Comics - Sometimes you'll see something that a woman has done and you can tell that a woman has done it. Like *Cathy* cartoons--this is good for cartoons that women are doing. It's not a *Curtis,* a *Mallard Fillmore,* an *Adam at Home*. A *Zits*, your classic male strips
* Talking to the Engineer - The boys repeatedly explain to the absent Engineer Brett how to edit their show
* Too Scary - Zaff Braff's movie and Sundance was too scared. Hayes believes the title 'Guns' in Dominic's sketches is too scary.
* Bussin' Up - Fart guns make people like Sean buss' up, in a good way
* Sean and Hayes's Particular Attribute - Hayes was refreshed by the male characters in the hotel room ordered Sundance films who shared a certain... attribute, with he and Sean. A certain... endowment.
* Crack My Shit Up - When Dom officially cracks Sean's whole shit up in front of someone, Dom will get a cool nickname like "Razorblade," "Bomb," or "Spanish Harlem." Now Dominic can be "Plastic Fork," "Chamois Cloth," "Dried Eggs," "Windowsill Seed Garden," or "Chair Pillow" (hopeful upgrade to "Bed Pillow," "Airplane Neck Pillow," and then maybe "Bomb")
* Speak on That - Hayes asks Dominic to speak on the politics of why there isn't a white history month Dominic explains that he feels that if they labeled it that, there'd be a real outcry against it.
	+ Sean eludes that this is because of Obama, and asks Dominic to speak on that. Dominic rambles on and explains about he has a community that does indeed celebrate a white history month.
* Andrew Ti - Hayes gets furious with Dominic's allergies explaining that the next person to use that mic is Andrew Ti, Sean says, 'Yo is this germs?' Hayes is furious saying that nobody will know if this is racist thanks to Dominic.
* Bashing Other Podcasts - Hayes and Sean take a couple stabs at Yo Is This Racist?

## Ads

* Andy Daly's Podcast Pilot Project - Thanks to his appearance on Hollywood Handbook!

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, Dominic Dierkes, Sean ClementsHayes, Sean, and Dominic Dierkes in the studioDominic Dierkes in the studioHayes in the studioSean in the studio