Kyle's Panic Attack

The rash on Andy's neck was *screaming.* He flexed his fingers at it, gritting his teeth, trying not to scratch it because the thing looked bad enough! As if he needed more of a physical reason for people to want to avoid him! He rummaged through the bathroom's medicine cabinet for anything that might help when he heard a series of thumps from the outside and up.
Andy stepped out of the bathroom, alarmed, to see what it was and saw that someone was crumpled halfway up the stairs like they had tripped and fallen. When he saw that it was Kyle, the pyromancer didn't hesitate for a moment to bound up the stairs to his side.
"It's nothing, just ignore us!" Andy shouted to the people in the living room who might've seen what had happened, and knelt down to help the other man up. "Kyle, are you okay?" Andy whispered with great concern. Looking at Pestilence's state, with his heavy breathing and inability to do much else, the Leader finally recognized something in Kyle that he could relate to.
"Come on..." He muttered and practically dragged the smaller man up the stairs, through the hall and into a bedroom. In fact, it was Andy's bedroom; not someplace he would ordinarily bring anyone. He let Kyle sit on the rug in the middle of the small room.
"I'm-I'm really not the right person to try to calm you down, but... I have panic attacks too sometimes. Keep breathing, okay? Nice and slow and deep."
The bedroom was simply and dimly lit with hanging lanterns. It was an unusually cozy, but cluttered space filled with spirit-soothing trinkets. Andy lit a well-used lavender candle on the dresser with his finger and pressed a button on an old CD player that prompted it to play relaxing chinese-style music.
"Don't try to talk. Just... Breathe." He said, sitting directly across from the man, cross-legged. He also took deep breaths, mainly to stop himself from raging at his new rash the way he wanted to.

## sephet02/03/2019

He choked and let Andy move him, his breaths coming hard enough to hurt and tears starting to pour freely from his eyes. He curled up on the floor of Andy’s room and rubbed his face to try and get at the tears, each gasp of air making a painful rasping sound as he dragged air in in painful gulps. He couldn’t muster enough shame to be embarrassed about acting like this in front of Andy, all he was conscious of was trying to get air in as his head began to spin. He felt like he was suffocating.
It went on a long time like that, Kyle’s face becoming sticky and red as he rubbed at tears that wouldn’t stop coming. He finally reached a breaking point where his breath couldn’t come any faster and it began to slow down. He was shaking hard and felt weak as a kitten as he relaxed a little in his ball on the floor. Even breathing slower he wasn’t breathing steadily, and he felt hiccuping sobs ripple through him like a convulsion.
“F-fuck. Fuck I’m s-sorry.” He shook his head, he didn’t even know how to begin explaining himself. What he’d done had been inexcusable, and then Andy had had to comfort him afterwards. He pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes and tried to will his body back into working order. “I’m sorry.”

## Mob Boss Peggy02/03/2019

Andy never thought that a day would come where he would see Kyle like this. He had broken in front of him, inconsolable. He knew that Kyle just needed a safe space to ride out his emotions. Andy continued to breathe.
It was amazing how much his image of the other man was changing so quickly. Andy felt supremely guilty for what was happening. He had triggered *something* traumatizing (funny how often that happened these days), and hadn't meant to. But he didn't want to trigger an exchange between them of who was more sorry.
"It's okay." Andy replied quietly. "You did really good out there. I'm really impressed."

## sephet02/03/2019

Kyle continued to lay on the floor as his breathing got closer to normal, his body felt weak and exhausted and his mind was clouded after seemingly being completely overtaxed a moment before. The tears seemed to have stopped and he rubbed his face to get the last of them off. “Please d-don’t kick me off the team. P-please. I really need this…”

He couldn’t make eye contact with Andy, just stared off into the distance as he slowly got himself back in touch with his body. He shifted and twitched here and there as the adrenaline worked its way through him. His lungs and throat felt raw and ached thoroughly, he felt a little like he’d just spent the last hour dry-heaving. “I swear I’ll do better…”

## Mob Boss Peggy02/03/2019

Even though Kyle couldn't look at him, Andy was watching him with a heart that felt like it was being squeezed in a vice. Even so, he felt a new, intense fondness for the person sitting in front of him. He had been taken back to the conversation he had shared with Elijah a week prior where he, a man who Andy once thought was perfect, showed his deepest vulnerability and also insinuated that Andy would somehow want to remove him from the team.
Kyle was far from perfect, but Andy was no less proud of him than the other hero. The pyromancer scooted closer and placed a warm hand on the other's shoulder.
"I'm not going to kick you out, Kyle. You belong here, just as much as all the others. You might not be ready yet for field work, but that's why I'm here. You'll get there, I promise you."

## sephet02/03/2019

“I didn’t used to be like this…” Kyle closed his eyes and relaxed slowly under the warmth of Andy’s touch. *This* felt okay, this felt like caring and security instead of intense fear and desperation. He’d already gone this far in, how much worse could it get actually talking about it? He’d been dancing around the issue since it seemed like as far as anyone was concerned it was all over and dealt with.
“I’m trying so hard to be okay… in my head it feels like… like it should all be fine now. But I keep thinking about it and freaking out.” He wrapped his arms around himself and took a slow shuddered breath. “I was so powerless, my mind wasn’t even my own… he just did what he wanted and… fuck. Sorry. I shouldn’t talk about it. It’s fucked. It’s over. But it keeps getting into my head…”

## Mob Boss Peggy02/03/2019

Andy didn't take his hand away from Kyle once the man started speaking more, letting words flow more freely while Andy listened quietly. He really didn't feel like he was the best person to spill one's heart and soul out to. Andy had never been an immovable pillar of strength. He was a ball of nerves who couldn't handle little stupid things, but somehow had the will to start something huge. And now everybody who was a part of that huge something saw him as that pillar of strength. He had to remember that.

"Are you talking about... When you were kidnapped by that flower guy?" Andy asked calmly. Kyle had never opened up about the details of what really happened there. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to... You know, I'm always around if you do. It might feel better to tell someone. Maybe not. I don't know. Just... Do what you feel."

## sephet02/03/2019

“Yeah, him. It… feels like it really fucked me up. I feel like I shouldn’t talk about it, but it’s really fucking with me.” He spoke almost dreamily, he was so worn down after the attack he just felt numb and tired. He wanted to go somewhere like a home, but his current home had never felt that way. The barren one room apartment felt just as confining and smothering as the wine cellar had felt.
“I hurt him… for doing it to me. But it doesn’t make anything better. I just feel worse. I just feel like a monster and I hate it. I *hate* my power. But I want to be part of this. I don’t have anyone else. I haven’t felt wanted or welcomed like this before. I don’t know what I can do but please, please let me stay. I’m sorry.”

## Mob Boss Peggy02/03/2019

It was true that Andy didn't know much about what had happened at the mansion during Kyle's kidnapping and rescue. A lot had been done wrong and a lot had been kept secret by everyone involved. It had always made Andy uneasy, but thanks to their contact in the judicial system, they hadn't suffered much because of it.
Hearing Kyle talk about it like this made it feel so much deeper than he thought. Andy had always thought about the implications and the crimes and the consequences for their reputation and blowback from the police, but he had never stopped to think about how it affected the victim. It never occurred to him that Kyle would have been traumatized by *whatever* they had done to him.
A small, but fond smile made it's way onto Andy's face when Kyle told him how being a part of the group made him feel. "I already told you that I'm not kicking you out. Of *course* I want you to stay." He rubbed his neck and flinched at the burn.
"When I was young, there was a time when I thought that my powers were only good for destruction. There's a famous villain with the *same* abilities as me that was known for killing hundreds of people. I hated it for a long time. All of us have been called 'monsters' and put down for being different. But there's a place for everyone, Kyle. There's a place for you here, too. There isn't a soul in that yard that would tell you to leave over what you did."

## sephet02/03/2019

“Thank you…” Kyle relaxed slowly at Andy’s reassurance, his breathing getting a bit more even and easy. He felt unspeakably weak right now and beyond tired, though. He tucked his hands against his chest as he looked up to Andy’s neck to see the damage he’d done. “I think… I can’t really be grabbed or pulled around. I… honestly I have trouble getting close sometimes. I don’t understand what makes one situation different from the other but it’s like something just explodes in my brain. I… I didn’t know where I was earlier. I don’t know how I got so… so *like* that but… I’m really sorry.”
“I don’t feel very good right now.” He slowly tried to make eye contact with Andy, then looked away with a shamed flush. “Is it alright if I use one of your spare rooms? My apartment doesn’t have heating right now. I don’t sleep a lot lately, and if I do I can’t sleep for long. I’m… I’m so tired right now, honestly?” Little sleep, barely any food, working all hours and trying to get his school work done had been wearing him down, it felt like everything had just broken open in front of him. He washed it was like lancing the boil, like this meant it would get better, but his head was still a mess and he still didn’t know how to deal with it.

## Mob Boss Peggy02/03/2019

Andy's lips quirked upward when Kyle finally looked at him, even if it was just a half a second. He was doing everything in his power not to start scratching at the huge rash at his neck. He wasn't really sure what to do about it, or what it was, exactly. He didn't want to think about it. Andy wanted to ask if the effect was permanent or not, but he didn't want to seem impolite... Despite everything.
With everything that had happened, and with everything that Kyle was telling him about his living situation, Andy could see that the man was having an extremely hard time. "You have no heating in this weather? Is that why you've been hanging around here so much?"
As someone who felt the cold mostly likely more than others, Andy would have already frozen to death. In fact, his bedroom was always kept a tad bit warmer than the rest of the house. It was why the lion cub (and Rhett) liked being in there despite his want for neither of them to be there.
"Yeah, man, take one of the spare rooms, it's cool with me. Go take a nap. Take as much time as you need."

## sephet02/03/2019

“It um… it’ll probably crust up in a bit. You could put a little salve on it to ease the itching. Keep in moisturised I guess and it shouldn’t crack up. I’m… I’m really sorry. I completely… completely lost myself in that.” He slowly pushed himself to sit up, keeping his eyes on the floor after seeing the rash. He couldn’t fix what he’d done but he knew a decent amount about tending to skin issues. It only seemed fair to know about them if he was going to cause them.
“Yeah. I uh. Sorry I didn’t ask, it’s just been real cold… I thought it’d be wrapped up soon. I stashed a little bit of stuff in case the pipes crack and things end up flooding. Sorry. It’s uh. It’s kinda a shitshow.” He snorted and pinched the bridge of his nose. Really all he had here was a backpack with his school books and his laptop. He didn’t have much to hide but he’d needed those things while he hid out from the cold.
“Thanks… thank you for being… really cool about this. I’m sorry I fucking… had a fucking nervous breakdown at you. Sorry.” He rubbed the back of his neck and eased himself up to his feet. “Thanks.”

## Mob Boss Peggy02/03/2019

Andy's smile was a little lopsided as Kyle have him suggestions on what to do about his brand new, totally fashionable neck accessory. All he could do was nod and twitch at the prickling pain.
He put his palms up and a nervous laugh escaped him. "Ah, no worries. It's fine, uh, you make a pretty good pot of coffee!" Andy felt a little guilty about bringing Kyle's morning visits up in the first place.
He could've sworn Kyle had apologized at least a hundred times at this point. Andy knew what it was like because he was *usually* just about the same amount of awkward as Kyle was even *without* the mental breakdown. Andy entered the morning feeling that the two had nothing in common, and was about to leave it feeling that they had *so* much in common.
He stood as well when the tattooed man did. Despite Kyle's observation that it was probably a bad idea to grab him, Andy calmly stepped forward and closed his arms around the other man in a gentle, very (literally) warm, friendly hug. "We're in this together." He reminded Kyle before letting go of him and stepping back, eye twitching a little at the pain of his gi lapel rubbing against the raw red skin on his neck.

## sephet02/03/2019

Kyle breathed slowly and relaxed himself into the hug, nothing about it was forceful and he could feel the comfort and safety offered to him. Andy was so warm it felt like it was easing some pain inside him just being there. He gave Andy an awkward little squeeze in return and stepped back.
“Thanks for bein’ so good about all of this. And for this team. It um. It means a lot to me to be part of this.” He shrugged a little, feeling shy now that he’d blurted so much out. It was pretty embarrassing that this was one of the first real conversations he’d had with Andy. Kind of a lot to dump all of a sudden on someone nearly a stranger. “You’re doin’ good.”
He rubbed the buzzed hair at the back of his head and nodded once, not really sure what to say before giving Andy an uncertain smile and turning to walk out the door.
He headed to one of the spare rooms he didn’t think anyone was living in, he only knew Valentine was living there… plus Rhett (which seemed to be more than Andy knew) but the two of them shared the same room. He closed the door and slipped out of his jeans to hopefully get comfortable enough to rest and bundled himself tightly in the blankets. He was bonelessly exhausted and the idea of moving or doing anything hurt but just closing his eyes didn’t take him to sleep. It was a familiar feeling, and not completely unexpected. He scrolled through his phone to find some softly spoken podcast and set it to play, hoping it would keep his mind from replaying everything that had just happened in a horrifying amount of detail.

February 4, 2019

## Mob Boss Peggy02/04/2019

Andy left Kyle and his room feeling like he accomplished something. Even though it was a small step, it was a small step in the right direction with someone that he hadn't tried to reach before.
He went straight from his bedroom into the upstairs bathroom where he groaned at the sight of the angry red mark on his neck. God, it was *huge!* And it itched so badly Andy felt like he was going to go insane. He rummaged through the medicine cabinet frantically, and closed his fingers around a tube of cortizone way in the back. He squeezed a large amount into his hand and quicky and generously applied it to his burning skin.
He really *really* hoped that the rash wasn't permanent. It was even vaguely shaped like a hand - Kyle's hand - which was even *more* suspicious. With his neck covered in cream, Andy applied several big bandages to the area and taped them down. Once finished, he vanished into his room to retrieve an old, hand-knit scarf in a strange array of colors, wrapping it around his neck to cover up the damage, for the most part, before returning to the yard.

## Mob Boss Peggy02/06/2019

With everyone inside the house, Andy stood from the couch. He tugged on the edge of his scarf nervously, but tried not to pace around the room like he so wanted to. The flames in the fireplace seemed to shrink back as Andy's mind raced. His eyes kept shifting to the TV just in case.
"Some of you--- *most* of you are ready to get out there and start doing some real work. Starting now, I want you all to be on alert. My home will be open for training every day, and I'll have the police scanner on 24/7 to send through any events that we should be aware of. This is the real deal, guys! It's time for us to do some real good and to show the world that society *needs* heroes!"
Andy placed himself in his usual speaking spot in front of the fireplace. "I can't do it all alone. Our group is so big now and there's so much to do. So, I have chosen two of you to be my Captains... Elijah," He looked to Reverb proudly. "And Marceline." Then looked to Mirage with a warm smile. "They've agreed to help me lead. I expect all of you to treat them with respect and come to them for guidance."
That went without saying, mainly directed to those few who had been less than respectful to him in the past. Andy could tolerate being ridiculed, but he wouldn't tolerate it directed at his assigned captains. Not that they weren't perfectly capable of handling it themselves.
"Remember - retreat if you're in too deep. Come straight here if you get hurt if you can. Don't be too proud to call for help, and most importantly - hide your face at all times. I don't want to see *any* of your faces on the morning news.
You're all dismissed. I will be in touch."