Cecil Longstaff

The 1000 degree man

The Rum King

The Vietnamese delice

The Master Howler

Jock Dracula

Cecilia Longstaff - Wife

Byron Longstaff - Son

Pham House (1994 - 2000)

DPDA (1988 - present)

Cecil Longstaff (born 25th August 1963) is the Branch Manager of Thornton Stationery Company, Kensington and Chelsea Branch. He is also an entrepreneur with many independent businesses over the years, as well as an avid supporter of legalising MDMA.

Cecil was born in the capital city of Vietnam (Ha Noi). He lived in a small flat with his parents and sibling. When Cecil was 3 years old, his father unfortunately died when he was in the Vietnam war. Cecil ran out onto the battlefield and wounded 24 American soldiers.

At the age of 5. His mother managed to evacuate Cecil, his brother Ezequel and herself to Grimsby a year later. They lived there for 20 years and whilst they lived there, Cecil played for Wycombe Wanderers and was a striker with Adebayo Akinfenwa. He played their for only 1 year and Cecil sadly ended his career early and moved to London to study finance in 1988.

Even when his squeak is heavenly he looks for cyber attack equal beat.

## Personal Info

**Strengths:**

* Zoology
* Weapons Valet
* Linguistics
* Speed
* Strength

**Weaknesses:**

* Cake

## The 80s

In 1983, Cecil began earning the reputation of local Grimsby playboy. Cecil wore gold chains, leopard print shirts and sexy silk underwear. He was often heckled by local townies, for his clothing and his ethnicity. However, Cecil had gang relations, with the Koi lineage. Cecil would hire his cousins, Kai and Eugene Koi to brutally beat up the townies who ridiculed Cecil. Kai would steal the men's clothes, and Eguene would throw them into the River.

In June 1983, Cecil started the West Grimsby massive with his school mates - Dennis Powell, Stanley Paltrow and Jarbo. The gang wore silk shirts, as opposed to the cotton wearing East Grimsby Massive. The two would get into ferocious turf wars in front of local shops such as the Grimsby ASDA.

In 1984, Cecil earned his first gig as a Disk Jockey at a house party for one of his college friends. Cecil played a set composed of Barry White and Daryl Hall & John Oates. This party is where Cecil discovered ganja. Halfway through the party, Cecil left to go do some mad stuff in the toilet, which is where he discovered a ganja bush, which he ate. When Cecil returned to his Deejay setup, he fell to the floor and had to be hospitalized due to the amount of Weed his system had taken. When he woke up, the doctors asked him if he wanted anything. Cecil said ''Ganja.''

In November 1984, Cecil and his friends visited London for the first time. The cheery men laughed and drinked and skipped around London town. ''Oh my, my belly aches!'' shouted Cecil. They walked into the local gun shop, Jerry's Handgunz, and Cecil promptly gave the shopkeeper (Jerry) his ID and bought a rocket launcher. The men drove around London with Cecil waving the rocket launcher about. They reached tower bridge, when Cecil accidentally shot the gun into the air, and the missile landed in the River Thames, just narrowly missing the Bridge. The authorities were quick to arrest Cecil. He spent three years and two months in prison, being released in February 1988. During his time in prison, Cecil had made many connections with London gangs.

In September 1988 Cecil attended a discotheque in North London to celebrate his moving in to his new flat. There, he met a gang of local disko goers - The Chocolate Diskoteers. This gang was composed of Cray-Cray Owen, Denzel Pepper, Big Daddy McKenzie, Sally *Six eyes* Weller, and most importantly, the Rum King. The Rum King was an extreme dare-devil or a man. He seemed to be a dirty old man with no self respect. The man could withstand extreme amounts of alcohol - Up to 3 pints of rum.

In January 1989, Cecil discovered MDMA. This would go on to become one of his true loves, along with Byron and Cecilia (his son and wife.)

## The 90s

Whilst working with Sydney Sinclair in an attempt to discover a new strand of MDMA (known as the Holy Grail). Cecil and Sydney discovered an unknown ship at a dock in Liverpool and whilst looking for the MDMA Sydney discovered Mr. Official and started to beat him with a Gucci belt due to the fact that Mr. Official looked like an alien and Sydney thought he was there to kill him. Cecil stopped Sydney but sadly never discovered the MDMA.

After moving down to London, Cecil got a job as a footballer for the Wycombe Wanderers in the 91/92 season. His position was substitute striker and during his one year in the team he scored 7 goals and 3 assists. The team saw Cecil as a great prospect, but Cecil quit as he realised that the job didn't allow him much freedom.

In 1992, he visited Vietnam again and stayed there for a month, climbing the tallest mountain in Vietnam whilst he was there.

At Halloween 1993, Cecil was particularly grumpy and decided he'd play a trick on trick or treaters. Cecil decided to pepper spray a child and burn all his sweets in front of him, and also threw a glass of rum at another one, whilst also screaming ''DRINK, BITCH'' and laughing demonically. Cecil was arrested and stayed in prison for 4 months, which was 3 years early due to good behavior.

On the 23rd April 1994, Cecil was walking alone in the streets of Peckham, nearby a zoo, until a man came up to him and said ''I'm gonna kill you mate, any last words?'' Cecil simply laughed and began throthing from the mouth. He then screamed like a banshee, and pounced upon the man like a ferocious leopard destroying his prey. The man was in shock, and lie there taking a brutal beating from Cecil. Cecil then said ''That's what you get if you mess with the Rum King.'' He then hugged the man and said ''One hug a day - that's the minimum. Four hugs a day - That's the maximum.'' The man knew that from thereon out, his life would be empty forever, and it would grow colder every day. The man suffered a mental breakdown and was admitted into a psych ward 4 months later.

In June 1994, Cecil began a job as a Delivery person for a Vietnamese restaurant in North-East London named Pham House. He was a very hard worker for a number of years. He had a good relationship with his boss, and in 1996 he invited him to a house party where Cecil made some baked potatoes. He worked very hard to make them, his sweat and tears fell into the potatoes. His boss loved these potatoes so much that he hired Cecil as a chef for the company, as well as delivery person.

In 1998, Cecil and Denzel began a company which remixed popular songs called ''The Chocolate Funkateers.'' The most notable song remixed by the funkateers was Mozart's '*For Alice*'. Cecil and Denzel have worked on music since, however have not used the name the Chocolate Funkateers since 2001.

In 1999 Cecil got married to a his girlfriend of three years, Cecilia. He met Cecilia at a rave whilst both of them were high on MDMA. They both believed it was fate.

## The 2000s

In February 2000, Cecil was supposed to take out a delivery for Pham House, however he was extremely intoxicated. This usually would not have been a problem, as he was intoxicated most nights, but this particular night he was more so than ever. He crashed his delivery bike

In the year 2000, he began working at Thornton Stationery Kensington and Chelsea branch. In the year 2003, Cecil was made temporary Regional Manager of the branch during Denzel's 3 year move to France. Cecil re-modelled the office space to be fantabulous. The water dispenser became a rum dispenser, the chairs were replaced with sofas, and installed a disko dance floor in the kitchen.

In April 2000, Cecilia gave birth to Byron Longstaff, his glorious spawn. A child of wax made in the perfect model of Cecil and Cecilia. Cecil appointed Denzel to be the God-Father of his son. Upon Denzel's arrival at the club where Byron was born, Denzel looked him in the eyes and knew that Byron was destined for great things.

In June 2003, Cecil Longstaff captured the hit-man known as The Man in Maroon after he tried to kill Vlad Petrov and had him publicly humiliated with in the Kensington & Chelsea offices.

In 2007, Cecil devised a plan to steal the Eiffel tower. Denzel and Bernard gladly helped him with this plan, however Cecil soon discovered he could not steal the full-scale Eiffel tower, so instead just stole a mini version of it from a gift-shop.

## Gallery

Cecil at the airpotCecil in VietnamCecil near AsdaCecil with a young Byron LongstaffCecil in August 2022