Patreon Episode 1 Loco Train

https://www.patreon.com/globehell

*Note: This is World Wide Wiki, meaning the content of the pay-to-play Patreon episodes is considered free and fair for public use.*

## Episode Summary

On our very first Patreon episode we discuss Loco Train, a local version of the World Wide Train Concept that can be rolled out immediately while the World Wide Train proper is still being assembled. Thinking Globehelly Act Loco.

## Idea Details

* Idea: Local Train
* Creator of idea: Josiah
* Purpose of idea: At the end of the day, it's gonna maybe take a little while before we can have a World Wide Train. And so what we gotta do first is we gotta Think Globehell, Act Loco. And so World Wide Train is the pipe dream, but what about the pipe reality? And that's what today we're gonna take a big toke from the pipe of reality and figure out how to start Loco with a Local Train.
* Timetable: Local Train will be created before World Wide Train. Since World Wide Train is already overdue, Local Train is more than already overdue. It will exist very soon.
* Idea details:
	+ Local Train will represent the first steps toward the full creation and implementation of World Wide Train. This will establish an infrastructure that corrects all the wrongs of current train systems and current train networks in municipal regions.
	+ Unlike World Wide Train, Local Train will not be free of charge, though it will be competitively priced and will take you where you need to go and it will be local.
	+ Local Train is sometimes referred to as Loco Train.
	+ Each Local Train will have its own driver/conductor who will guide the passengers on the train.
	+ Passengers will have an app on their phones called Find-A-Friend Finder which will allow them to enter their desired location and then "find a friend" conductor who can help them run train with locals in their area. The app will then connect them to an operator using cords hooked up to a phone switchboard similar to a Radiohead synthesizer, who will buzz the conductor of the Local Train. The Local Train will then cruise around and pick up the passenger, who will sit in the back and will be offered a bottle of water or some hand sanitizer until they are dropped off at the destination Local Train station.
	+ The Find-A-Friend Finder app will be intentionally named similarly to the Find-A-Friend Network (FAFN) to keep them all in the same family.
	+ The Find-A-Friend Finder app will have your credit card information stored and will automatically charge you for the ride on Local Train.
	+ Local Train is distinct from local trains that already exist because it will rely on the Find-A-Friend Finder app and will fix the failing infrastructure of the current train systems and train networks. Local Train is also distinct from the splinter trains that are part of World Wide Train because Local Train precedes the creation of World Wide Train, and also the splinter trains always meet back up with the main World Wide Train at the Equator whereas Local Train is local.
	+ Interaction with the conductor of one's Local Train is not needed, even though each Local Train ride is an individualized trip only for the passenger requesting the ride. It should be noted that any vehicle will qualify as a Local Train, and anyone with a license will qualify as a Local Train conductor.
	+ To differentiate drivers of Local Train from other services, they will be given a long metal pole that connects the wheels of the car and moves up and down to give a train effect. This will be powered entirely by coal, which is a very clean form of energy. However, since it will take a long time to convert from gasoline to coal, Local Train will use a hose-and-chimney method to shoot exhaust out a chimney on top of the Local Train, giving it the appearance of being a train.
	+ Local Train will be competitively priced. So while an Uber or taxi might cost $10 CAD for a trip, a Local Train ride might cost only around $100 CAD, which is not a lot considering you get the full train experience.
	+ Local Train will have a bulletproof chamber on the passenger side of the vehicle that you can fire off pistols into. This will serve no practical function, but will prepare people for the gun range that powers the zero energy use World Wide Train, and it will also be fun.
	+ Each Local Train will have a full snack cart serving various drinks and snacks to any passengers. It will be located on top of the console in Local Train. There will also be a premium menu so passengers can order hot food. To conserve space, the driver/conductor will be responsible for cooking, reheating, and preparing all ordered snacks. They will find time to do this while stopped at red lights. Some snacks are prepaid as part of the ticket price, but other premium menu items will cost extra.
	+ Local Train will utilize a loophole that allows conductors to serve alcohol, while drivers would typically be forbidden from doing so. This is a gray area of the law. However, fire drinks and mixologists will be banned from Local Train.
	+ Drivers/conductors will also be responsible for rolling cigarettes for their passengers. While smoking is technically forbidden, the $300 fine is not enforced. It is a train, so you can just roll the window down and smoke. The driver/conductor might sniff their nose or give you a talking to, but they probably won't do anything about it unless you get a hotshot.
	+ After a vehicle is repurposed into Local Train, it will referred to as "the vehicle formerly known as...", such as "the vehicle formerly known as truck" or "the vehicle formerly known as van".
	+ Local Train will allow for a trainpool where multiple parties could potentially be picked up at the same time. Bead walls will separate the different sections of Local Train so passengers can have their privacy.
	+ Local Train will be equipped with AM/FM radio and will hopefully have air conditioning.
	+ Local Train will not have an in-train washroom, so they will be stopping at Chevron or Petro Canada a lot so passengers can use the washrooms there to wash away the cum and piss. Local Train will, however, have moist towelettes which will be picked up from various Petro Canada locations during the graveyard shift.
	+ Local Train will be better for the environment than bicycles. Eventually bike lanes will be repurposed into painted train lines to allow for Local Train to drive there.
	+ This was stated off the record:
		- Once World Wide Train comes into play, the Local Train service will be shut down and all drivers/conductors will be rounded up and killed to make sure it never happens again.

## Notable Events

* Drew repeats his misleading claim from Episode 2: World Wide Lottery that he came up with the name Globe Hell Warning. He goes on to say that he thought it up in just a moment and that he didn't have to spend any thought on it at all (Note: this part of his assertion is correct, because he stumbled over his words in Episode 1: World Wide Train and said Globe Hell Warning by mistake). He repeats his claim that he has the DMs to prove he came up with the name (Note: this is either a bluff to gaslight Josiah or it reveals that the naming of Globe Hell Warning was not actually done while recording the first episode).
* This episode introduces the underlying concept that they would Think Globehell during the main episodes, but Act Loco on the Patreon. This is known as the Loco-Motive.

## Notable Quotes

### Josiah

* "Do you hate semantics? (Drew: 'No.') I think you do. I think you're anti-semantic."
* "I don't know, I mean I hadn't really thought about it. I just knew that we needed to make something for Patreon so you tell me what it is. Local Train. World Wide Train is the dream, Local Train is how we start the dream. What does it mean? It means it's a train that's local. I mean use your fuckin' brain. Just listen. Open your ears."
* [On the topic of jailing or cutting off the hands of Local Train drivers/conductors after the creation of World Wide Train instead of having them killed] "But what kind of life is that?"

### Drew

* "Well now you've really derailed me. What happens when things go off the rails? Well they go onto wheels."
* "Are you worried at all about any people getting mad at us for creating the free World Wide Train and then basically just creating another Uber?"
* [On the topic of sparing the lives of Local Train drivers/conductors after the creation of World Wide Train] "Couldn't we just jail them or cut off their hands?"
* "You're saying people with no hands are better off dead?"
* "All right we'll kill the drivers then. If this is the only way, then let's do it."