228: It's Been Four Years - Why Haven't You Stopped Me?

## Summary

Camping by the river, Gwen manages to pick the lock on Batthwack's chest, revealing not only a diamond, but also a magical box containing a nonsensical note. After another sleepless, but restful night the group are suddenly confronted by strange furry creatures, umlauts, who are in dire need of the party's help in finishing their summer stew before nightfall. They're taken to the umlauts' encampment where they accept the quest: locate something that tastes of luck, something furry and badger meat!

## Synopsis

The group make camp by the Beartoggle River. Raphina is exhausted from the events of the day. Batthwack assembles a fire from the wood they collected. Mo has been going back and forth from the river, bringing different types of fish and Gwen has been cleaning and gutting them using her claws. Will is sat by the fire, watching this, his face locked in disgust. He's thinking about how great it is that when you're in a restaurant you don't see them preparing your food. He's really not cut out for wilderness survival. After a while, the fish are sizzling on the fire, and the sun has gone down. The fire illuminates the area.

After they finish eating, Batthwack pulls out the chest and shows it to Gwen. It's a foot and half long, and about a foot deep/tall. Gwen starts tinkering with it, using some of the longer fish bones to reach inside the lock and work on it. She clicks around for a while until suddenly she hears a clunk. The lock opens and she lifts the lid. The bottom of the chest is lined with a significant number of gold pieces and there's some silver in there too. She looks up and says *"Batthwack, you said you just want the diamond and I can keep anything else in here?"* There's also an unmarked, foot-long, rectangular wooden box, and nestled next to that, on top of the gold, is a sizeable diamond. She passes the diamond to Batthwack, who hands it to Raphina, asking her to look after it and keep it close, so they can avoid any further calamities. She tucks it into her sock.

Gwen pokes around in the chest. She counts through it all and finds 128gp, and 37sp. Raphina asks if they're going back to Morrow's Inlet, to find Selenia's body, but Gwen explains the diamond is just in case something bad happens with the magic. Will asks if they get to vote on who they revive. Batthwack says he hopes no more bad things will happen; the diamond can be used for whatever they need. Raphina asks if they're going to return the money he took. Gwen stops. *"Wait... "That you took"?"* Mo reminds them that Will said it belonged to a bad guy. Batthwack suggests Gwen keep it, but she says they should share it out. Will refuses any money, saying *"That's ok. I don't need any."* She hands out 25gp everyone, and gives Will and Batthwack one each. Mo gets 26gp, but seeing how excited he is, Will and Batthwack both give their coins to him. He excitedly shouts *"28! 28! 28!"*

Gwen takes a closer look at the wooden box from the chest. It's not locked. She opens it and finds a folded piece of paper. She casts *Detect Magic*, discovering that the box is magical, but the paper isn't. She notes that there's nothing magical showing up in the forest either. She looks at the paper and it has 3 words printed on it, one on top of the other: *"Ding"* *"Dang"* *"Dong"*. She tells everyone what it says, suggesting it might be answers to one of Crumplemeyer's puzzles. As she speaks, the box shakes for half a second. She tries saying *"Ding, dang, dong"* again, and it shakes again. She asks Batthwack where he got it, and he explains it was the store *All That And A Bag Of Holding*. She asks if she can keep it. Batthwack says that everything in the chest is hers.

While this is going on, Will slips away to check out the stuff he stole from the *Tomorrow, Today!* office. Batthwack has generally been keeping an eye on Will, to make sure he's safe, but is so focused on the diamond that he doesn't see Will sneak away. When he's on his own, he counts 40 platinum, 398 gold and 25 silver pieces, before making his back to the others.

The group sit in the dark, the firelight flickering on their faces. Eventually Mo falls asleep as does Hilula, but the rest of them do not, as usual. The night passes, they keep stoking the fire, and nothing unexpected happens. Eventually the sun crests over the treeline. **A new day!** Everyone smells a delicious vanilla spice odour and they feel a boost to their vitality thanks to Gwen's *Celestial Resistance*. Suddenly, Raphina and Batthwack hear rustling in the forest. In the gloom of the dark canopy, Batthwack spots something moving quickly towards them through the underbrush. He draws his sword and tells the group what he saw. Gwen grabs her lollipop quarterstaff. Will suggests jumping on the lizards and making their escape, but Raphina is already lying face down on the sand, playing dead. An odd noise emanates from the trees, sounding like a sort of percussive, rasping purr. It goes on for some time. Will hisses *"What monster makes that noise, everybody?! What is it?! What is it?!"* Gwen creeps forward to try and get a better look, but can't see any movement in the trees. All of a sudden, four creatures burst out from the bushes right in front of her face.

The creatures are small, two-legged and fur-covered, with the head of a lion and ram's horns. They're wearing leather armour, dyed green and appear to be unarmed. Batthwack sheathes his sword. The creatures continue making purring sounds and hop up and down excitedly. Mo says *"Oh! Look, you guys! I think you call them...? Yes! Umlauts!"* Batthwack asks if they're dangerous. Hilula seems surprised at this question. She explains they're not aggressive creatures, but they stay away from people and areas of habitation, so not too much is known about them. She says they tend to stay in the woods and keep themselves to themselves. Mo says it's weird that they've been approached. Gwen crouches down and tries to scratch one of them on their chin. It hops back and swipes at her hand, smiling at her. Mo explains they're very good at being stealthy, but taste very bad and he recommends not eating them. *"Wasn't planning on it"* says Will.

One of the umlauts produces a large dark green leaf with distinctive orange veins and holds it out towards all of them, purring loudly. Raphina reaches out and takes the leaf, and without hesitation, immediately takes a bite out of it. The umlaut jumps up and down, pumping the air with his fists. He purrs excitedly and as she chews, the purring suddenly changes into *"...wanted her to do that! I wanted her to do that! I can't believe she did it!"* Raphina tells the others to take a bite of the leaf so they can understand the umlauts. Will does not think that's a good idea, saying it's *"probably a leaf that goes into some of the stuff we've got back in Tivoli!"* Gwen also takes a bite as Will cries out in protest. The umlaut urges her to tell the others to eat some of the leaf too. *"We need your help! Please, it's the stew! The summer stew! It's not finished!"* The umlaut tells them that the leaf is called a "gary" leaf. Mo, Hilula and Batthwack have eaten some. Will, characteristically, is very much against the idea. The umlaut says *"Tell him we need help with our stew. We have to finish it by tonight or else everything is lost!"* He takes some convincing, but eventually Will is given his own gary leaf, and uses *Prestidigitation* to clean it. He take a tiny nibble.

Gwen says she'd love to help and she's an accomplished cook. She asks what's in the stew. The umlaut says it's lots of things and that it's been bubbling away for nearly 3 weeks now and is nearly ready. They say they don't normally approach people like this, but it has be finished by the new moon tonight. *"Our supreme forger would normally be the one to get the final ingredients for it but they haven't been back."* They say that the supreme forager should be back by now, and she's the one that knows what to get. Will asks what's so important about the stew and the umlaut apologises, saying they sometimes forget that there are people who don't know about the world and what the right things to do are. Will is confused about why eating stew in the summer is "the right thing", but then he remembers that it seems to snow in the summer here. Gwen finds this a very weird thing to say and she's asks what he's talking about. Hilula, says it can snow in the summer, depending on the weather. The umlaut urges them to focus on the task at hand, telling them there are three things left for the stew: something that tastes of luck, something hairy and badger meat.

Gwen hands the umlaut a sticky brick, and asks if they think it tastes of luck. The umlaut regards it with suspicion. Raphina eats three-quarters of it to demonstrate. The umlaut is very nervous about messing up the stew. *"We're very verklempt about it!"* They explain that they watched the group all night before they decided to approach them, which freaks Will it if course. Gwen asks if they should be trying to find the forager, but the umlauts say the stew is more urgent. *"It's very important. It's every summer we have to make the stew. It's what gives good luck and thick hair to all the coming of age umlauts."* Gwen asks which way the forager normally goes, but the umlaut says they don't know. They think that the group showing up last night was a sign. Another umlaut pipes up, saying they're doubtful of that, but they really don't have any other choice. Raphina agrees to help, saying they don't have anything else to do. Will says he'd rather not get back on a lizard right away, but wonders what might happen to the lizards if they leave them unattended. Raphina suggests Hilula stay with the lizards and she agrees.

The umlauts lead them into the woods. Eventually they emerge into a clearing, camouflaged by the undergrowth, consisting of small, severe hills, which they wind their way between. There are little streams, rivulets and cricks running in between and cicadas can be heard buzzing and bullfrogs croaking. They hear some noise up ahead and come across more umlauts who are running around, taking care of things. An event is being prepared. Right in the middle of the clearing is a giant cauldron, a big heavy metal pot made of steel or iron, bubbling away over a giant roaring fire. The umlaut is in the middle of welcoming them to the encampment and showing them the stew pot when their speech suddenly changes back into the purring sound they were making when they first appeared. The umlauts produce more leaves and everyone nibbles a little more so they can understand them again. The umlauts tell them that the effect of the leaves wears off after around 30 minutes.

The umlaut tells them that the forager was last seen going off in the other direction. Raphina asks if any of the ingredients are dangerous to get hold of. The umlaut really isn't sure, but suggests the badger meat could be, because they can bite. Will asks what else is in the stew and the umlaut says they don't know. Will goes over to look, making sure that no-one is coming up behind him to push him in. The stew is an opaque, dark brown, liquid. It doesn't have any smell, which makes Will highly suspicious. Gwen goes up and sniffs it. She says *"It smells like beef. Why don't you try again?"* before subtlety trying to *Prestidigitate* the smell of beef stew. Will is going in for another smell and notices what she's doing, saying *"Hey, I am crazy enough!"* The lovely smell does confuse him for a moment though, and he backs away, fighting the urge to eat the stew.

Raphina wonders if there's some illusory magic going on, so Gwen casts *Detect Magic*, but she senses nothing in the stew or anywhere else in the encampment, for that matter. The umlauts ask if they're willing to help and the party agree to, though Will is concerned about being eaten. Batthwack is eager to get this done and return to the river. Will suddenly has a thought. *"Badger meat?! Where do badgers live? I don't know what a badger is!"* Mo tells him they live underground. Will is incredulous at the idea they might have to go back underground, but Mo explains badger tunnels are too small for that. Will seems relieved at that, but is keen to point out to everyone that he's never hunted before and he isn't suitably dressed for it. The party heads off into the hillocky wilderness.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Eric. In describing the appearance of the group of umlauts, he repeatedly mentions that there are four of them. KT, in a shocking display of disrespect to the DM, seems to mock him by saying *"We're going around the river bend, down the mountain pass and there are four creatures there"*, as a reminder of some of his highly detailed, and maybe a little rambley, explanations. Eric responds *"I'm so sad... Why am I the one doing this? Like, it's been four years! Why haven't you stopped me? That says more about you guys than me! What is wrong with you? Listeners! Why haven't you stopped me??!"*
* The players refer to the Möbius strip and it's non-boundary counterpart, the Klein bottle, which is how Eric pictures Raphina's socks.
* Abby mentions the interrobang (‽) (also represented by ?!, !?, ?!? or !?!), which according to Wikipedia is *"an unconventional punctuation mark used in various written languages and intended to combine the functions of the question mark, or interrogative point; and the exclamation mark, or exclamation point, known in the jargon of printers and programmers as a "bang". The glyph is a superimposition of these two marks. The interrobang was first proposed in 1962 by Martin K. Speckter"* An example might be, *"What monster makes that noise, everybody?! What is it?! What is it?!"* In other words, how Will addresses most people and almost everything he's ever said. See all of season 1, season 2 episodes 164-208, and 210 onwards.

## References

1. ↑ See episode 224: Pork Fried Dice: A Pay-To-Play Game
2. ↑ They each receive 9 temporary hit points; Gwen receives 14
3. ↑ "Verklempt" means overcome with emotion. Eric knows the best words!
4. ↑ See episode 180: Nobody Could Be Happy In a Cave