Fake TPOT 36: These Aren't the Peace Talks You're Looking For/part 2

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"**These Aren't the Peace Talks You're Looking For**" is the non-canon thirty-sixth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 4 August 1985. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known as "**The Profily Experiment**".

Next episode: "High Anxiety"

## Contest (cont'd.)

### **Squishy Bunch Room**

**Scene****Pen** sits in his room by himself, bouncing a ball against the door. He looks bored and/or desperate. Enter **Bok**—Pen accidentally throws the ball in her direction, but it doesn't hit her.
* **[** **B****o****k** · **P****en** **]**: Whoa!
* **P****en**: Sorry, Bok!
* **B****o****k**: I can't talk right now!

[*Bok runs over to her bed and hides under the covers.*]

* **P****en**: Hey, what's goin' on? Someone chasing you or something?
* **B****o****k**: That's how it feels every single moment of the day! [*gets up from under the blanket*] I can't *stand* to be in the competition with her!
* **P****en**: Her?

[*Bok nods quickly.*]

* **B****o****k**: Whose idea was it to let her into the show just because of the ever-changing game rules? It's not condonable whatsoever!
* **P****en**: I don't blame you. She can be a little aggressive sometimes.
* **B****o****k**: A little aggressive? She seems to have no qualms about sending people to their deaths, even her loved ones!
* **P****en**: Really? All this time, I thought she was anti-death. Wow, you think you know a gal, and then you find out you're not the first one she's hurt somehow.
* **B****o****k**: I thought I could possibly start a friendship with her for years now, but whenever she pushes the envelope with just about everything she does, has done or whatever, that's when I have to end it.
* **P****en**: Ooh, it is what it is, I guess. I can see why you'd want to be friends with her.
* **B****o****k**: We're just two different people.
* **P****en**: But you're both Scan-the-lavians!

[*Beat. Bok looks at Pen, confused.*]

* **B****o****k**: What?
* **P****en**: You and Liy, you both come from the Kingdom of Sweden–Norway, eh?
* **B****o****k**: Liy? I wasn't talking about Liy. I was talking about Pencil.
* **P****en**: You were? Hold up, Bok.
* **B****o****k**: [*sigh*] Yes, I should let you know that the reason I'm up here is because of Pencil. I've let the cat out of the bag, and here's another thing: I *hate* her!
* **P****en**: Oh.

[*Silence.*]

* **B****o****k**: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that; I know you're still a bit of a fan of hers.
* **P****en**: I *love* her. Got so much love for her that I don't even know what to do with it.
* **B****o****k**: Twist it into a ball shape and throw it in her face.

[*Pen smiles a bit.*]

* **P****en**: And when she's down, I'd take her by the arm and help her up, and maybe, *just maybe*, she'd give me a kiss like she did back then.
* **B****o****k**: We have a word for that where I come from.
* **P****en**: Ooh, ooh, is it bra vibrationer?
* **B****o****k**: [*taken aback*] What? That's Swedish, and it means *good vibrations*.
* **P****en**: I know, but it sounds so funny!

[*Bok rolls her eyes.*]

* **B****o****k**: Anyway, tell me: what's your deal with Pencil anyway?
* **P****en**: Well... she's just a real wonderful person. Anyone would be awfully lucky to have her.
* **B****o****k**: In a padded cell, perhaps, but... oh, Pen, I'm not the best at giving advice. I've tried that before, always failing miserably, emotionally! But I can try, if that's what you'd like me to do.
* **P****en**: Yeah, what's that?
* **B****o****k**: Please. Stay away from Pencil. If you don't... she'll go and destroy you.

[*Pen gets up.*]

* **B****o****k**: What are you doing?
* **P****en**: I've got to save my team.
* **B****o****k**: Okay... [*looks out the window*] You go do that!

[*Exit* **Pen**, *but not before he finger-guns his reflection.*]

* **B****o****k**: [*nemini loquitur*] He's going to end up dead again.

### **Front of the hotel (Namely Ties)**

**Scene**The Namely Ties (**Clock**, **Golf Ball**, **Price Tag**, **Snowball**, **Tennis Ball** and **Winner**) plan in the front of the hotel since The Squishy Bunch have gone into the building. **Pencil** is standing with them, dancing lightly. She is either bored or in a daze.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: So our plan is to send Profily to Hell. Thanks for that, Snowball.
* **Snowball**: I agree; and, think thee none thereof, O Ball of Tennis.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Yep, we are sending this newbie to Hell. Abaddon. The big half-court-broken-tennis-racket-double-toothpicks.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Language, Tennis Ball!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Sorry.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Hey, GB, you're good at sending people underground in a witchy way. What do we do?
* **Golf Ball**: What is all this talk about my being a witch? I told you all, and if I haven't told you, I've certainly implied it: I may be getting a little older, a little greyer and a little stricter, but those qualities do not a witch make!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Witch, please!

[*Beat.*]

* **Winner**: Hmm... If Fries were here, he'd tell us to get digging.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's exactly what we should do.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: But have we weighed out the pros and cons yet?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Pros: you interact with the planet. Cons: you risk endangering the planet.
* **Golf Ball**: Sounds fair enough. Let's dig, people!

[*All start digging except Pencil, who stands around, still dazed-dancing. She suddenly stands at attention as a clump of dirt hits her eraser-top.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Ò! [*looks down at the hole forming*] Where are you lot going?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: We are finding a route to Hell.
* **Golf Ball**: Join us, new team member!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*nemini loquitur*] Why don't they just dig into my mouth, since they see me as the embodiment of everything terrible anyway? *Hmmph!*

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**, *right in front of Pencil. They almost slip and fall into the hole that her teammates are making but catch themselves before it's too late.*]

* **Two**: Whoa!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hi, Two.
* **Two**: Pencil, why aren't you digging with your team?
* **P****e****nci****l**: So you're just here to yell at me to get to work. Stay classist, Two.
* **Two**: No, actually! I'm looking for someone to put our things into the Thed for me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What things?
* **Two**: The ones that belong to me and Five.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why don't you get Five to do it?
* **Two**: Because we're in a very tense situation right now. That's slang for "I can't be bothered to speak to 'em".
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yeah, that's not slang.
* **Two**: Whatever. Just take all my stuff and put it in my Thed, since it doesn't look like you're doing anything else.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*groans*] Euoooougggh, fine.
* **Two**: Thank you! My things are...

[*Two sneezes all the things they have carried out of their office onto the ground with the same wet fart sound effect they use to recover people, much to Pencil's horror.*]

* **Two**: Right here!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] Wow, can't believe I'm in person to see this. [*Aloud.*] Er, why didn't you just do that sneezy, farty nonsense in your Thed thingy?
* **Two**: And let you waste your energy walking five precious feet away? I could never do that, well, I could never do that, indeed!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hold on, Two!
* **Two**: Got to go!
* **P****e****nci****l**: New Coke has got to go. *You've* got to help me sort out this mess.
* **Two**: And why should I do that? I'm your host, not your alliance member! Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!

[**Two** *waves their finger in Pencil's face and teleports out of the scene.* **Pencil** *rolls her eyes and goes into Two's Thed.*]

### **Hotel roof (The Squishy Bunch)**

**Scene**The Squishy Bunch (minus two) are on the roof of the hotel, looking for the tile that Two used to send people to the Filing Cabinet in the early 1980s.
* **P****i****n**: No tile here.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Nothing here either.
* **T****r****e****e**: Wasn't it in the middle? Spread out, guys, I think we're getting closer.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: OMF, you're so bossy.
* **Li****y**: Yeah, it's slightly off-character. Does Gregg ever tell you what to do?
* **T****r****e****e**: No, Liy. In fact, we consider ourselves to have a right progressive, egalitarian relationship. And that wasn't sarcasm.
* **P****i****n**: But that makes sense, though, right? You're both man.
* **T****r****e****e**: So?
* **Co****i****ny**: Pin, we have a vegetarian relationship too. [*to the others*] Our marriage is based on the principles laid down in the good ol' D of I: All objects are created equal.
* **P****i****n**: Except algebraliens shall be more equal than objects.
* **Co****i****ny**: Heyyy, that's so true! [*They high five.*]

[*Black Hole floats near the middle of the roof.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Guys, I think I've found it.

[*The others join him. They all shake, as though standing on top of a washing machine.*]

* **Li****y**: Wow.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We must be directly above the Filing Cabinet.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Not just that, but I can hear the portal below us. *Whoooosssh. Whooooosssh.*
* **Li****y**: Yeah!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But I thought black holes weren't known for—
* **Li****y** [*Aside.*] Shh, we might win. [*Aloud.*] Hey, why don't I get some music?
* **T****r****e****e**: Why?
* **Li****y**: I'm curious to know how they sound with the sounds of the portal. Later, fools. [*about to go downstairs*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Hey, while you're down there, get Profily up here.
* **Li****y**: You're not the boss of me!

[*Exit* **Liy**.]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Now, would anyone like to volunteer to remove this tile?
* **Co****i****ny**: Ooh, I can do it!
* **P****i****n**: You got this, Coiny!

[*Coiny tries to pull the pile off from its bearing.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: See, back in BFDI, I was valued for my super strength. Mmmmmmmh! [*fails to do so*] Or not.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Tree, why don't you try?
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, I can't take all the credit for what *should* be a team effort. What about you, Black Hole? After all, it was you who destroyed Sirius A.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*Aside, to Pin.*] So that's why there's no more dog days of summer.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes, but there's a chance, that if I should suck this tile up, I shall cause death again. And you're pretty strong; can't you lift heavier weights than Pen can?

[*Black Hole looks at Tree.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: He'll never admit it, but I do have that going for me. Oh, fine, if you insist. Grr-*rrhh!*

[*Tree punches a hole in the floor and the whole tile falls through the portal, unleashing its frightening, maelstrom-like sound at a much greater volume. The rest of the team pog at Tree's display of strength as he confidently crosses his arms.*]

* **P****i****n**: Your Gregg is a lucky man.

### **Squishy Bunch Room**

**Scene****Bok** sits by the window, writing poetry in her diary and talking to herself.
* **B****o****k**: "*Jeg sitter, jeg sitter, jeg sitter.* Today, I do feel very bitter." [*Beat.*] In some dialects it rhymes, okay?

[*Enter* **Liy**.]

* **Li****y**: What rhymes?
* **B****o****k**: [*closing her book*] Nothing!

[*Liy opens her drawer and throws out a bunch of things.*]

* **Li****y**: Hey, do you know what happened to my cassettes?
* **B****o****k**: Which ones?
* **Li****y**: Any.
* **B****o****k**: Oh, Pen and Remote were playing catch with them while you were asleep; I think they ended up under the welcome mat.
* **Li****y**: What the frick?
* **B****o****k**: I know, it's weird, but things here don't always follow the laws of physics.
* **Li****y**: Yeah, um, I know. Vissa människor är så fräcka! [*Subtitles: "Some people are so cheeky!"*]
* **B****o****k**: Hey, I understand that.
* **Li****y**: Yeah, 'cause we're both "Scan-the-lavians". I'd better go.
* **B****o****k**: Okay. Hej då. [*Subtitles: "Goodbye." (Swedish)*]
* **Li****y**: *Ha det bra.* [*Subtitles: "Goodbye." (Norwegian)*]

[*Exit* **Liy**.]

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Liy hurries downstairs and looks under the welcome mat of the hotel. She sees that all of her cassette tapes are found under it, and she hugs them.
* **Li****y**: Oh, my babies! My *Vhäm!*! They should have woken me up before you went, went!

[*Enter* **Pen**, *who walks out of the hotel nonchalantly.*]

* **Li****y**: Hey, Pen, I need to talk to you about something.
* **P****en**: What, I'm not skipping the contest! I was at the restaurant talking to Match.
* **Li****y**: Oh. Was she happy to see you?
* **P****en**: She asked me why I wasn't dead yet.
* **Li****y**: Nice.
* **P****en**: And then she gave me some words of advice. Speaking of which, what d'you think of my quest to win Pencil back again? Nice, eh?
* **Li****y**: My friend, I'm going to tell you very nicely: [*grabs him by his chest*] ***Stay away from her!***
* **P****en**: Hey, Match said the same thing! Well, no; actually, she said... [*imitating Match*] "Like, totally, get over it and find yourself some other desperate *maidel* with an IQ you can count on your, like, sausage fingers."
* **Li****y**: I agree. [*slaps his back*] You'd better do that too.
* **P****en**: I don't have sausage fingers!
* **Li****y**: Listen, I haven't got much time to prattle now. I have to get these cassettes up to Tree and the rest of them; otherwise I'll be blamed for putting our team up for elimination.
* **P****en**: Boy, that's awful.
* **Li****y**: I know! They should be blaming *you*, you big dumb lead-swinger. [*elbows him*] Later, bro-er.
* **P****en**: A'ight.

[*Pen waves at* **Liy** *as she runs back upstairs, leaving him outside by himself. He talks to himself as he walks to the back of the hotel.*]

* **P****en**: "Get over her," they said. "Stay away from her," they said. Well, you know what, eh? The only thing you'll be staying away from is the spotlight! [*takes out his mirror*] Guess I'm putting you aside for now.

[*He puts the mirror away and walks towards Two's Thed, where he thinks he can relax all to himself.*]

### **Two's Thed**

**Scene****Pencil** is organizing the things Two said to work on in their Thed. Having spent four years in the aesthetically pleasing EXIT, she works hard to make sure everything is in its place. In fact, she works so diligently that she doesn't notice **Pen** coming in. Likewise, he doesn't notice her until he hears her voice.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Two, do you need a coconut bra?

[*Pencil turns around.*]

* **[** **P****en** · **P****e****nci****l** **]**: *Ah!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, what on earth are you doing here?
* **P****en**: [*puts his hands up*] Don't kill me! Please...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Kill you? What the hell made you think I was going to kill you? [*looks away*] Again...
* **P****en**: Well, for starters, you're holding a gardening tool.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*waving her trowel*] You're being funny.
* **P****en**: And we're talking, eh, oddly enough, in a room where I'd rather be alone. Don't want to have to do this, but...

[*Pen points at the door. Pencil puts the tool down.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: The frick? You can't just walk into a room and act like you own it, you toplofty prat! That might work on half the idiots in the cast, but not on me. I'm staying here to fulfil my duties to Two, full stop.
* **P****en**: So you want me to leave.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sit down over there. If you're going to stay, you might as well shut up and let me tower over you for once.

[*Pen walks over to the part of the Thed opposite Pencil and sits down. He watches her organize Two's and Five's things.*]

* **P****en**: [*grumbling to himself*] Fine way to treat your boyfriend, eh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***BOYFRIEND?!*** What a fricking friend you are! Not even my worst enemy would watch bowling with everyone he knows after I was eliminated... We weren't even broken up!

[*Silence.*]

* **P****en**: I- is this what all this is about? Me?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Of course it is! You made me feel like rubbish, and I don't think I can forgive you now.
* **P****en**: Penc, that was BFB. Sixteen years ago.

[*Pencil sits down on the other side of the Thed.*]

* **P****en**: And in the sixteen thousand days since then, you've always been on my mind. Gosh, I've never forgotten you, even when I was out with someone else. Whenever I was in the zone and called out another person's name, the name I called was always yours, as a matter of fact. [*Pencil rolls her eyes.*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why didn't you just wait for me? Or at least try to talk about it like grown-ups?
* **P****en**: Believe me, baby, I've tried, but it was always for nothing. You kind of have a tendency to be...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, don't *you* try to put this on *me!* All of this is your fault and I shall zap anyone who thinks otherwise into *fricking OBLIVION—*
* **P****en**: ***YOU'RE A JERK, PENCIL!***

[*Pencil turns around with a shocked expression.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Did you just say that to me?
* **P****en**: I sure did, I damn meant it too! At this point, I'm surprised you haven't called me a girl yet!
* **P****e****nci****l**: How dare you say such a thing!
* **P****en**: Pencil, I know it's a terrible thing to hear, but that's what you are in full! Or at least that's what you were the last time I saw you. Don't you remember the summer before BFB started?

[*Pencil looks down and nods lightly.*]

* **P****en**: It was the first time I saw you after you disappeared from IDFB. I'd been waiting for you to come back for who knows how long, and then you did.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I remember that.
* **P****en**: And you didn't even say anything to me! I can't believe I was so silly to think you still really loved me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: But I said things to you!
* **P****en**: Nothing nice. It was always "Go away, Pen", "I'm busy, Pen", "Haven't got time to look at you". That really hurt me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Just because I don't pay you any attention, you spend the night with the first million people you see the moment I disappear? I still maintain that I was right to tell a player of your kind to beat it.
* **P****en**: Hey, I just wanted 'em all to know what it's like.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What, to an intimate evening with the grooviest guy in the game? Let's face it, Pen, you're a babe. In that book Four made us read, you were labelled *BFDI's coolest character,* and you can have anyone you want and she'll gladly let you take her home.
* **P****en**: [*blushes*] Gee, that's true... But I meant being with a fella who loves someone as awesome and fun-loving and terrific as you. You might have changed, but I still remember when you were good to everyone you met. And *that's* the you I wanted. Thought that's what you would have wanted, too. [*Silence.*] Pencil?

[*Pencil starts to cry silently.*]

* **P****en**: Are you okay? I'm not going to leave you until I know for sure...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Please be quiet, my barrel's getting drenched, and that's all.
* **P****en**: Drenched, by what?
* **P****e****nci****l**: My tears... 'cos what you said is true!
* **P****en**: Penc, I did some things out there that I should have known you'd hate, and I'm really sorry for that. You can tell me I'm lying if you want to.

[*Pencil sighs.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: It's getting fuzzier as the days go by, but I saw it with my own eyes. You said the same thing to Tree, in the "privacy" of the hotel rooftop. [*Pen perks up.*] And that's how I know you meant it. You could never lie to me.
* **P****en**: So... we're good?
* **P****e****nci****l**: *You're* good. You're a nice guy, Pen. Can't see why you waste your time on me after all I've done to you.
* **P****en**: I don't care about that. We're meant for each other! You and me, together we'll blow the competition out of the inkwell!
* **P****e****nci****l**: My last moments on BFB were more than unpleasant for anyone who had dared to get in my way, not to mention the fact that I caused your death, and not even by accident. I want you to be honest here: Do you still want a relationship with me?
* **P****en**: Well... I don't know now. What about you?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I think it's best if we think things over.
* **P****en**: Okay.

[*Silence.*]

* **P****en**: Guess this means we're officially broken up.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye. I don't like you, then.
* **P****en**: Now don't say that! Can't we at least be buddies? [*holds her hand*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'd rather think that over as well.

[*Both sigh. Pen lets go.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: You can leave now.
* **P****en**: Nah, I'm not going back to the room. [*stretches*] Just want to take a nap.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't think you're so special. I could use a break too.

[*Pencil gets up and closes the windows of the Thed.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: There. [*Aloud.*] Have a nice nap... sir.
* **P****en**: Right back at ya, miss.

[*Both sigh, again.*]

### **Front of the hotel (Namely Ties)**

**Scene**The Namely Ties are digging with their butterfly nets. Because of budget cuts (I think), we don't actually see them digging; we only hear their echoed voices.

* **Golf Ball**: How is the digging going for the rest of you, team?
* **Winner**: Pretty well.
* **Golf Ball**: That is good to hear.
* **Winner**: No, I mean, I've just hit a pretty well. I can hear water flowing down here.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Water? Are you sure it's water?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: *Water* you talking about? [*Beat.*] Get it? Because *water* sounds like *what are*—
* **Golf Ball**: I get it, Price Tag.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: If it's underground water, I think it's alright. SB, how would you approach this sound from your brand-new religious perspective?
* **Snowball**: Only the good Lord can say whether this occult noise be that of the flood.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Right, thanks for that.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Seriously, though, like, what if it's another one of Two's portals to the Filing Cabinet?
* **Winner**: Also a good thought.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: If it is, we can just chuck Profily in there.
* **Golf Ball**: Your nonchalant suggestion simply to chuck a fellow object into a possible well terrifies me to the core.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You know what? I'll make it up to you all. I'll pick Profily up from wherever they are.
* **Winner**: Chur, Clock.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You're welcome.

[*Beat.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Well?

* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's what might be under us.

* **Golf Ball**: Just go up, please.

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Gosh, I was only trying to be funny. Hup!

[*Clock jumps out of the hole and falls down on the grass.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Ow.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*calling from the hole*] They're probably in the lobby!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: How do you know?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: That's where the wannabe hosts gather... or "hang out", as the kids say.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Good point. I'll be there.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wishing you lots of luck, Clock!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: May *your* force be with you, a-hyuck!

[**Clock** *rolls his eyes as he runs over to the hotel lobby.*]

### **Hotel roof (The Squishy Bunch)**

**Scene**The team members are talking with one another. Enter **Liy**.
* **Li****y**: Hey, people, sorry I'm a little late. I just had a quick snack.
* **T****r****e****e**: It seems you've forgotten someone.
* **Li****y**: Oh, I talked to Pen. He's just as delusional as ever.
* **Co****i****ny**: Poor dude.
* **P****i****n**: I feel bad for him as well, but I think what Tree meant to say is that you forgot to get Profily up here.
* **Li****y**: Yeaaaahhhh... I actually looked around the hotel. *Hen* couldn't be found anywhere.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Didn't you check the lobby?
* **Li****y**: Why?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Because that's where all wannabe hosts congregate.
* **Li****y**: Right.
* **P****i****n**: Hey, how about we go down together?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That, sounds like a good idea.
* **T****r****e****e**: Down we go, then.

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**In a wordless scene, **Clock** searches around the lobby for Profily. He looks all over the place until a lightbulb pops up above his head.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: A-ha!

[*Clock checks behind the front desk where the entrance to the office of Two and Five can be found. He finds* **Profily** *going through some of the things under the desk.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: Hey!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You're done for! Up you go.

[*Clock picks Profily up with his legs and they go before the front desk together.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: I demand that you tell me what you were doing down there.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: What are you, my stage mamma? But if you must know... I was looking for some food.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Some food? Do they feed you where you come from?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Yes, really well! I mostly live off objects' and algebraliens' food, the latter if I've been good. No, wait, the latter whenever I want! Yeah-hah!

[*Clock's eyebrows raise in confusion.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: Which is why I was doing a little checky-checky under the desky-desky for some algy vittles.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You live with Four or X.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: [*putting their hands over their* *ears*] Gasp! How did you know?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Because no one I know has spoken like that in the last fourteen years.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Okay, yes, but that's not the problem. Or is it? Heheheheh. Look at me, I'm making up sentences. Anyway, I came back here because I was looking for popcorn. Algebralien popcorn.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: How does it differ from normal people's—I mean *objects'* popcorn?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: It does things to you. It is your power, your might, your fuel! In fact, it's what powered me to come here this whole time. I ate a bit of it during my regular TV dinners with Four and X, and *pffffffft!* Suddenly I'm in the Bathrooms again! Isn't that wonderful?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You mean to say you can fly super far?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Oh, not just that, but I can break things. Like the sound barrier, for example! [*Aside.*] That was entertaining.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: So something like the sound barrier... or... a magically-locked door?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Sure, why do you ask?

[*Clock looks away from the door to the Filing Cabinet.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: No reason.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Oh-oh-oh, you sneaky little time machine, I thought you were going to eliminate me yourself.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What? No! [*looking away*] I'm not going to eliminate you.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's right.

[*Clock and Profily turn around to see* **The Squishy Bunch**.]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Because *we* will be the ones, doing the eliminating. [*Aside.*] Was that good, Coiny?
* **Co****i****ny**: Hell, yeah! You really added the *oomph!*
* **Li****y**: We know your plan, Clock. We have an overhearer-er.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's preposterous! Nobody in your team has the tendency to eavesdrop.
* **Li****y**: Oh, really? Till fronten, min vän! [*Subtitles: "To the front, my friend!"*]

[*The Squishy Bunch step aside, revealing* **Bok**, *who is still holding her poetry book.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: What?
* **B****o****k**: I figured I'd have a little break from poetry and do some work with my team.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, you've outdone yourselves. Hi-yah!

[*Clock punches the air with his leg, effectively doing nothing.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Ow.
* **Co****i****ny**: Are you in pain?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: No, I'm leading a Polynesian song-and-dance routine. /s

[*Everyone starts to argue meaninglessly, while Clock can be seen doing high-kicks.* *Enter* **Five** *from their office. No one notices them, as they are too busy quarrelling.*]

* **Five**: I need some peace and quiet around here.

[*Exit* **Five**.]

### **Back of the hotel**

**Scene****Five** wanders through the set, not so sure of where they are going. Five looks tired.
* **Five**: C- can someone tell me why I'm in the back of the hotel?

[*Five lies down.* **Two** *approaches him.*]

* **Two**: Five? What are you doing out here? I thought you were sleeping!
* **Five**: No, I was reading.
* **Two**: In your sleep?
* **Five**: I was sleep-reading. That is, until I woke up to the realization that something's wrong in this house.
* **Two**: Oh, ha, ha, what was it?
* **Five**: *All our stuff is gone!* I bet it was those doggone objects again, fighting over nothing.
* **Two**: That's where you're wrong.

[*As though Five were a cat, Two directs his attention by slowly moving their finger towards the Thed.*]

* **Five**: Omg!
* **Two**: Isn't it lovely? It's our own personal Thed, which I made all by myself. Well, technically, I had the help of Twobots, but since they've got my name in it, it was pretty much a one-number job.
* **Five**: Wow, that's really... yeah.
* **Two**: You hate it.
* **Five**: I don't! I find it really nice-looking, but... Did you do all this for me?
* **Two**: Well, yeah. You've been annoyed that I haven't done my part in cleaning up our office, so I moved all our stuff to my Thed. Want to see the inside?

[*Cut to Pencil and Pen in the Thed, who are still sleeping separate from each other.*]

* **Five**: Wait a minute, Two. You didn't have to do that for me.
* **Two**: But isn't that why you were so upset?
* **Five**: At first it was, but then I thought you were upset with me. That's what I'd assumed when you were out here the whole time instead of being inside, on the true inside, with me in my office.
* **Two**: I'm certainly not upset right now! I spent this whole time working on something I thought you would love, so I'd assume that you would have loved it, but since you're here and you're as confused on how you're feeling about this as I am—
* **Five**: Wait, Two... I'm confused. Like, actually.
* **Two**: So am I. Long sentences confuse me.
* **Five**: Want to just make up and make me your co-host again?
* **Two**: Gogma, yeah!

[*They hug.*]

* **Two**: You know, we were never separated.
* **Five**: Oh no, we weren't! But... now that we're on good terms with each other again, what will you do with your shed—I mean, *Thed*?
* **Two**: It's clearly a waste of space, and I don't want all our things out here during the hiatus, so I'll keep it safe inside me. You know, for safekeeping.
* **Five**: Nice!

[*Dramatic music begins to play as Two sucks up their entire Thed (with Pen and Pencil inside it) into their body.*]

* **Two**: So, to be clear, you're my co-host again?
* **Five**: Gladly.

[*The two hold hands and dance their way to the hotel lobby.*]

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**The contestants are still arguing with one another (cross-talk). Enter the rest of **Namely Ties**, who don't care to join. Clock is the only one who notices their entry and hands **Snowball** the bowl of treats on the front desk. He swallows all the sweets, as well as the bowl, whose absence reveals a tiny kernel of algebralien popcorn.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*arguing with Liy*] Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb... [*Aside, to Snowball.*] Hey, make sure you throw this at the door, okay?
* **Snowball**: Aye!

[*Snowball throws the popcorn kernel at the door.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: My food!

[*Profily eats the kernel and their eyes grow as big as they were at the beginning of this episode. Clock steps away from his argument with Liy, who doesn't seem to care.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Are you okay?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: I'm going to—

[**Profily** *charges through the door, thus breaking it and sending themselves to elimination.*]

* **All**: Well, that was easy.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Want to be friends again?
* **P****i****n**: You bet!
* **Co****i****ny**: *Group hug, everybody!*

## Post-contest

[*Before anyone does anything, enter* **Two** *and* **Five**.]

* **All**: [*surprised*] **[** Two! Five! · Five! Two! **]**
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: Objects! [*Aside.*] Eww.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: We've finished the contest and Profily is now floating aimlessly in the Filing Cabinet.
* **Two**: That's great!
* **Five**: So whose team won?
* **Golf Ball**: Ours did, the Namely Ties.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Apparently, it's all thanks to Snowball.
* **Golf Ball**: That is not something we expected to happen! [*Silence.*] Er... Two?
* **Co****i****ny**: Whatcha doooin'?

[*The contestants all look at Two and Five, who are chanting to themselves.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh...
* **Golf Ball**: It looks like you two are very happy together.
* **B****o****k**: We'll... leave you guys alone for a bit.
* **Two**: Oh, don't do that!
* **Five**: We're just ritually celebrating a reunion, as is the tradition in our culture!
* **Two**: Because Five and I are back together, huzzah!

[*Two and Five look at see that all the contestants are outside again, like in the ending of episode 27.*]

* **Two**: Huh.
* **Five**: [*disdainfully*] Objects.
* **Two**: I was about to say that.

### **Voting screen**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** stand before a blank voting screen, smiling at each other and then at the camera.
* **Five**: You're going to say it.
* **Two**: I sure am! [*to the camera*] Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't—
* **Voice**: Hey, what are you two doing?

[*Confused, Two and Five look up to see the screen peel back, revealing a* **Septilateral Announcer** *looking at them.*]

* **Two**: I, *Two*, am doing the usual spiel. What are you doing?
* **Sept****i****la****teral** **A****n****ouncer**: At the moment, nothing. So if you will, could you both, host and co-host, please step down from the platform? I have to make an important announcement for the voters.
* **Two**: Um... sure.

[**Two** *and* **Five** *step away from the voting screen and the Septilateral Announcer jumps down from above with a loud noise. She breaks the fourth wall by addressing the YouTube audience watching this in 2033, as opposed to the television audience of 1985.*]

* **Sept****i****la****teral** **A****n****ouncer**: Sorry about that. Hey, everyone, this is me, speaking to you from the future. The voting this episode is going to be a little different. Yeah, erm, instead of voting for the still-in character you want *saved*, you'll be voting for the FC'er you want to join. Just like this!

[*Septilateral Announcer bounces back to show a Google Form, which scrolls down to show the names of all the eliminated contestants and notable extras that one can vote for.*]

* **Sept****i****la****teral** **A****n****ouncer**: All you have to do is click on the link below and you'll be taken to a Google form where you get to vote for someone to join the show, either for the first time as a débuter or as a rejoiner. But there's a catch: the person who gets the most votes doesn't necessarily get to join. In fact, the eight people with the most votes will be forced to duke it out in the next episode, and the winner of *that* gets to join. Now, you'd all better hurry up: Voting ends one week after this episode is out, so that's... August 11th.

[*The background changes to the generic TPOT background.*]

* **Sept****i****la****teral** **A****n****ouncer**: Once again, we thank you for sticking around and watching this show with us wherever you are, because without your views and your votes, I don't think Season 10 would be doing as well as it is right now. Uh, what else is there to say...? Oh, yeah, cheers, TPOT will meet again in the spring, and I wish you a great rest of the year.

[**Septilateral Announcer** *bounces away as the credits roll.*]

## Stingers

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Night. The contestants are all exiting the hotel with their luggage. They quickly slip out of the way of **Two** and **Five**, who are talking to themselves while sitting down and playing pat-a-cake. **Tree**, **Black Hole** and **Remote** pass them, concerned.
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah—
* **T****r****e****e**: Oi, Two, may we speak with you?

[**Two** *gets up.*]

* **Two**: What is it?
* **T****r****e****e**: We've been looking around and we can't find Pen anywhere.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes, what happened to him?

[**Bok** *pops in with her very large suitcase.*]

* **B****o****k**: And Pencil? Not that I care much about her.
* **Two**: Oh, you're looking for the two people who ironically *want* to keep their hands off each other. Is it true that in BFDI, when the cameras weren't rolling, they... you know...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It might not be best to spread lies, especially if they're true.
* **Two**: Well, they're dead and that's that.
* **[** **The rest** · **B****o****k** **]**: **[** What? · Yes! **]**
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But can't you recover them?
* **Two**: I could, but only if you tell me something in the next fifty seconds that might make me unusually happy.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Fifty seconds?
* **Two**: Yes, that's five times five times two! We've both got a happy interlude on the Equation Playground.

[**Five** *gets up and joins the talk.*]

* **Five**: It's the most romantic restaurant on the planet, reserved exclusively for algebralien hosts and their co-hosts. Think of it as a country club in your world.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: How disturbing.
* **T****r****e****e**: Wait, before you go, how exactly did Pen die?
* **B****o****k**: And Pencil? Not that she's of much importance to me.
* **Two**: They were both in my Thed when I sucked it up inside me to be cleaned for later.
* **Five**: Two's learning to be more organized.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*agitated*] Sucked it up? How do you know they're not just hiding in the hotel?
* **B****o****k**: Hiding and doing what?
* **T****r****e****e**: Designing vanity logos, Bok. /s
* **Two**: No, I know for sure Pen and Pencil are inside me. After sucking my Thed up, I tasted a teeny tiny bit of graphite and ink, and I *know* none of what Five and I have is made of that. Eugh. Salty ink.
* **T****r****e****e**: It's nothing toxic; you have to compliment him if you want it sweeter.

[*Beat—everyone looks at Tree.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: What? At least I've never craved a killer like Pencil.
* **B****o****k**: I bet she tastes like *gerkonanaken*. You know, the precise moment when dog *skit* turns white.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What the heck do you people *do?*

[*Five nudges Two.*]

* **Five**: Oh, Two, it's time.
* **Two**: You're right! Okay, see you at the start of the next act, you lowly objects!
* **Five**: Byeeeeeeee!

[**Two** *puts* **Five** *on their back and they teleport to the Equation Playground.*]

* **B****o****k**: Well... if Pencil's dead, that means I can do this!

[*Book starts dancing like in GoAnimate.* **Liy** *passes her and cheers her on.*]

* **B****o****k**: If this were her grave, I'd do it with more intensity, yeah!
* **Li****y**: Hell yes, revenge dancing! *La det swinge*, sister!
* **B****o****k**: This is about Pencil.
* **Li****y**: Oh. Bye, all.

[*All wave* **Liy** *goodbye as she walks off, but Bok keeps dancing.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Bok, that's not totally nice.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, we don't celebrate deaths, even of enemies, in this company.

[*Bok stops dancing.*]

* **B****o****k**: Sorry... This is an awkward goodbye now, isn't it—oh, okay, now I have to go up to London and let Ruby know I exist, okay? Bye, ee-yeah, bye.

[*Exit* **Bok**, *awkwardly. Black Hole* *rolls his eyes* *as the three of them start walking. Tree looks back and sighs.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You're upset.
* **T****r****e****e**: Mh.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: About the fact that Pen died.
* **T****r****e****e**: Nnnghh.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You really care about him, don't you, Tree?
* **T****r****e****e**: I mean, he was kind of a good friend of mine, that's all. And let's just say that when he dies, the world in general becomes a smarter, yet less friendly place, so... oh, if I say yes, will yous get out of my leaves?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: 'Kay-kay.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Guys, guess what? I don't feel so bad any more.
* **T****r****e****e**: Why?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Because that last death, wasn't caused by me. I can finally float off in peace.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So our goals have been achieved.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Woo-hoo.

[**Black Hole**, **Remote** *and* **Tree** *walk off together, laughing quietly.*]

### **Hotel restaurant**

**Scene**The last of the FEXITers, **Match**, **Firey Jr.** and **David**, are watching the footage of the contestants leaving on the restaurant TV. The lights turn off one by one in the building.
* **Ma****tch**: Like, wow. I am now totally, terribly terrified.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Yeah, you're alone. Your brother and your best friend, who's been by your side for fifteen years straight, were both accidentally killed by Two.
* **Ma****tch**: Thanks for, like, repeating that, Firey Jr. *Not.*
* **David**: Aww, seriously?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Oh, you're right.
* **Ma****tch**: What?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: David wants to know what happens when an act ends.
* **Ma****tch**: I... don't know.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Are we allowed to stay here?
* **Ma****tch**: Like, who cares? If everyone's going away, we can, like, make this our home for, like, the three of us.

[*The lights turn off.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Frick this, I'm out of here.
* **Ma****tch**: Bye then!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Go to sleep, Match.
* **David**: Aww, seriously?

[*Exit* **Firey Jr.** *The screen is pitch black.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, David, you're the only one who can keep me company in the, like, darkness! What can we do together?

[**David** *leaves the restaurant and jumps through the portal through the Filing Cabinet (the only light on the screen).*]

* **David**: Aww, seriousl*yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!*
* **Ma****tch**: Nice. /s

### **Four's mansion**

**Scene**To end the episode, **Four** and **X** are watching all of this footage in their mansion. Four looks bored at the ending.
* **X**: So Two and Five are back together again.
* **Four**: I never liked Five much.
* **X**: Your EXITers are living in Two's hotel.
* **Four**: They'll come back to me soon.
* **X**: And Profily is now in the Filing Cabinet!

[*Beat.*]

* **Four**: It's a mission accomplished! Hooray!

[*Four raises his hand like in the BFB intro, and he and X high five, or high four, I suppose.*]

**THE END
of TPOT: ACT VI**
## Deleted scenes

	+ Another one for the act: The voting in these episodes were going to be "vote to eliminate" instead of "vote to save". Maybe some other time...
* A minor one: Liy was going to offer to take Tree's bags and throw them into the hotel.
* It was to be implied that since his recovery, Pen has been going outside Namely Ties' room, "warbling" some sort of love song to Pencil to get her to talk to him. Of course, the team never let him in. This was deleted, as was this line of Coiny's:

**Co****i****ny**: I ain't on that team, man, but... [*puts his hand on his shoulder*] that chiz stings.

* Tree was going to be a lot more sarcastic in the scene where he's alone with Pen. He can't be like that to his mate!
* Profily wasn't going to be freed from their recovery cylinder until the end of the episode. That sort of defeated the purpose of their wanting to be in the show, even if only to disrupt Two's proceedings.
	+ They were going to present all the scenes in which they were present. I decided that would have made the episode much longer than it should be. These scenes were to include when they mimicked Nonexisty's lines (TPOT 4), when they sat in the audience of Two's *Match Game* parody (TPOT 18), when they danced at the police station (TPOT 25) and when they made the phone call to Tree saying that his daughter's in hospital (TPOT 33). That last one was a joke.
* Part 1 was going to have a scene with the only FEXITers left in the restaurant, Match, Firey Jr. and David. David was going to leave the two of them for one of two options: either to become Two's temporary host during their continuing feud with Five, or to join the Filing Cabinet (which, admittedly, is a much more boring option). All FEXITer scenes were moved to the end of the second part.
* Pencil was originally going to say the nuclear arms race had to go. This was changed to New Coke because, let's face it, the backlash to it must have been everywhere in 1985!
* Too much sarcasm on The Squishy Bunch's side:

**T****r****e****e**: Liy, are you going downstairs?
**Li****y**: No, Tree, I'm going upstairs, but you're still in Australian time... view... whatever. /s

* After Pin says that Tree's fiancé is a lucky man:

**Co****i****ny**: I see you nerds really did get your revenge.

* During the Thed scene with Pencil and Pen, after each line of dialogue I had about five possibilities of what the next line was going to be. In about half of them, Pencil would actually say the word "fuck". Here are some examples of lines I deleted for being too flippant during this serious scene.

**P****e****nci****l**: The... the summer of '69. Don't start.
—
**P****en**: So does this mean I can call you "buddy"?
**P****e****nci****l**: Oh, God, no.
**P****en**: See, I knew that's what you'd say.
**P****e****nci****l**: I've always hated it!
**P****en**: Yeah, I remember what you said when we first met in '61: "Don't say that; only phony tough guys say that, and only when they're speaking to gullible children and objects of low intelligence."
**P****e****nci****l**: You remembered that?
—
**P****e****nci****l**: Shall we sleep?
**P****en**: [*excited*] *Yes!*
**P****e****nci****l**: Separately, Pen.
**P****en**: Aww.
**P****e****nci****l**: Omg, you and Match are totally the same. ~~I'd rather watch you beg.~~ ~~Reckon you're the sexier one when it comes to begging.~~ [*No hints of shipping at this point!*]

* Pencil and Pen were originally going to die by being burnt to death. I changed it because I was afraid it would be too violent, even though it meant I had to take this line out (which would have been used in TPOT 37):

**Two**: At least I think it was Pen. I heard a guy's voice in there, screaming "I'm so hot!"
**T****r****e****e**: [*rolling his eyes*] Yep, that's him.

* Bok was going to sing a parody of the Eurovision song "Hallelujah" after learning that Pencil died. The lyrics were as follows:

**B****o****k**: ♫ Hallelujah, Pencil's dead. Hallelujah, she's without her head. When by Two was she killed to bring, I felt a need a song to sing, when I praise her timely death: "Hallelujah!" ♫

* Stapy was going to appear in the hotel restaurant with David, Firey Jr. and Match. His character was written out of the episode because his voice actor, Sam Lee, was unavailable at the time.

## Notes

1. ↑ Not a homophobic remark, but an assumption that same-sex couples are typically less swamped by the patriarchy than—oh, she might be right.
2. ↑ Don't know about you, but the washing machines I've had experience with shook when in operation.
3. ↑ Who puts a budget on a show that's not even animated?
4. ↑ Will there be Google Forms twelve years from now? I don't know.

**Fake TPOT** [V]