Frank Zays

**Frank Zays** ("Frank says") is a private, short comic book, about a professional photographer handing out weird tips to and for those who want to enter the business.

The stories are mostly based on real people and events, or as perceived by VampireMeerkat. It's written in Dutch; with the original title being "Frank Segt" ("Frank zegt").

The book was printed out and given as a birthday gift to the person the main character was based on, as requested by VampireMeerkat's sister, who models for said person.

The pages were once uploaded at Facebook, but the majority then asked to be removed by the sister, because they could've fed the attempts of public defamation the photographer was dealing with at the time. There were also abstract parodies of real people better off not getting recognized, even so, the gift was appreciated.

The comics were drawn in May of 2014.

## Characters

### Frank

The main character and a comedic exaggeration of the real Frank.

He's a professional photographer with an attitude nobody is spared from. He has idiotic rules he wants everyone to obey and shows little respect for others and their opinions. Because his critics exist out of people who have blind adoration for him or are convinced he's a lazy amateur, it's difficult to gauge how good his work actually is.

### Frank's wife

Frank's wife, named Annewiek, has to deal with his personality every second of the day and it's often reflected in her reponses. She tries to do normal, inoffensive things with him, but they're an odd match.

### Nadine

Nadine is a reoccurring model and clothing stylist. She and Frank collaborate often. She seems to be one of the few characters who's used to his rudeness.

After her confirmed pregnancy, she makes no further appearances and the story switches over to Frank's two interns.

Nadine has a different hairdo in every comic.

### Good-intern-stereotype

"Good-intern-stereotype" is one of the two interns who appears for a few comics. He's an anti-social, perverted, punkish character who's only granted the title of "good stereotype" because the other intern is a less motivated worker.

Frank thinks he's hilarious and is fond of him, despite having blamed him for a misdemeanour before and witnessed his perversion first hand.

### Bad-intern-stereotype

"Bad-intern-stereotype", real name Bella, looks like a tidy girl, but is shown to be a thief, liar, bad with a camera, and not do her homework assignments. It can be argued she isn't worse than the other intern, still, Frank likes her less.

The reason for applying to his studio is, according to her own words, because she doesn't care and just wants to finish the year. Her current education isn't related to photography and she's training to become a cashier, for which she told Frank a certificate is required ever since "the dramatic queue deaths of 2013".

### Frank's students

Frank's students are the people who attend his paid photography workshops. They're aspiring hobbyists and professionals who have their own way of working, as for views on Frank.

The group includes a photographer who believes to know everything already, a man who mainly wants to take pictures of nude female models, a man who criticizes the students, a man who criticizes the appearance of the models, a dead-faced person who keeps asking for confirmation on his work, a smiling man who likes and accepts literally everything, and an obsessed fan who keeps wanting Frank's signatures.

While they're all different, Frank seems not to like any of them, though is determined to teach them.

## Comics

### Page 1: "Motivate your model"

Frank wastes the time of his students by talking about the irrelevant questions people tend to ask him, leaving only 5 minutes left to actually start the workshop.

He introduces them to his model, Nadine, whereafter he gives her a one-sentence command and calls it a detailed description of what to do. He then argues to his audience she doesn't meet his expectations and that there'll be moments where you need to motivate your model. He takes out a whip and beats Nadine with it.

At the end, the only question asked is the same Frank complained about at the beginning of the comic; what his favourite colour is.

### Page 2: "Control your model AND THE WORLD"

Frank is taking pictures of Nadine, who he calls Bella, during his workshop. He asks her every next panel to look more to the right, and in the meantime describes it to his audience as controlling his model. He starts to sound more like a movie villain hungering for world domination as he goes on, whereafter he stops and asks if there are any questions.

One person asks how many empty toilet rolls are needed to shoot a sharp picture; referring to the fact Frank has been using a cardboard box with a toilet roll taped on it as a camera.

### Page 3: "England is around the corner"

Frank is lazily sitting by himself in the living room and proclaims to be bored. He strenuously grabs his phone to call up Nadine and ask her to join him in England for a photoshoot. Because he never actually dialed a number, he's only met with a loud beep.

When he thinks his outdated 80s phone is broken, he picks up his cell phone and asks if she can hear him better, but the same sound is heard.

### Page 4: "You have to s(cr)ew"

Nadine is busy repairing the clothes she designed and brought along for Frank's workshop. Since everyone's waiting, he asks her if she can't go naked instead, but she insists to need something to pin her ribbons and beads onto.

Frank heads back to his students to complain by announcing Nadine never sews anything and there are no clothes for her to wear. A random man in the group says to have brought a dress, which Frank takes to Nadine. Not entirely satisfied yet, she places a giant brooch on its chest and proudly compliments herself on the work she just done.

### Page 5: "Castrate your dog"

Frank meets up with Nadine for a photoshoot, but then discovers she's pregnant. Nadine claims she told him this already, to which he responds with another beating of his whip. He then drives over to her house with a triangular-wheeled car to beat her husband with a bat, who is called a dirty slut.

### Page 6: "A nice baby elephant fixes everything"

Frank and his wife are outside for a picnic, but he spots a stork carrying a baby, which he perceives to be "a pretty swan with a purse". He wishes to shoot a picture of the sight, doing so by placing his camera at the end of a rifle. His wife questions this method, angering Frank, who claims to know what he's doing as a photographer.

The camera hits the stork in the face, making it crash-land. Frank is satisfied. His wife doesn't think the abuse is very romantic and starts complaining more when he starts touching the animal. Frank then offers her the baby elephant that was sitting inside the sack as a way to make amends.

### Page 7: "....."

Frank is late at home writing a book, which peaks his wife's interest. She asks what he's writing and he grants her a curt reply it's about models. After not getting further clarification, she angrily leaves and comments to wish he was this quiet when asked of him.

Frank cares little for the remark and proudly announces to himself to have finished. The last comic frame shows a book called "Twailait" in a store display.

### Page 8: "I knew that"

After a hard day of work, Frank visits his computer to go on the internet and read comments from people on his work.
He reads a lengthy, repetitive, and negative comment that insists his pictures are bad and overexposed. At the end it's revealed it came from Frank's wife.

### Page 9: "Extend the hours of your interns"

It's late and Frank's wife decides to bring her working husband coffee. He hits it out of her hands right away and says they could've saved money by letting the interns do it. She explains there aren't any interns, because it's past midnight, but Frank keeps hitting coffee out of her hands.

### Page 10: "Socializing is important"

After a workshop at a convention is long over, Frank's wife is sitting by herself, waiting. A drunk Frank then appears, and she asks what he's been doing. He insists he was socializing, but the two fight over the fact he didn't help with cleaning up and left her sitting for 3 hours.

Frank becomes especially offended when his wife throws his insult to her back at him.

### Page 11: "You drink ice tea warm"

Frank accepted two interns, called "good-intern-stereotype" and "bad-intern-stereotype", and wishes to assign them a task. Because he doesn't trust the punk boy with his ice tea, he asks him to carry his extremely valuable and fragile equipment, while the brushed-up girl is given his cup. It's heard getting dropped right away and she utters her surprise for the cup being hot.

Frank says ice tea is supposed to be and then angrily chases her away, proclaiming she'll never become a photographer.

### Page 12: "It's not always a butt-botox"

Frank and "bad-intern-stereotype" (the girl) start to small talk during a photo session, but he immediately interrupts her to request his team to redo the model. He then notices the make-up table is empty and immediately blames "good-intern-stereotype" sitting in the corner, editing photos on a computer. His grumpy facial expression doesn't change while Frank claims to see green eyeshadow on him and it looks preposterous.

Frank plans to call his school about the theft, but not before he comments on "bad-intern-stereotype's" seemingly large behind that happens to contain the stolen items.

### Page 13: "A dweeb is always needed to make the coffee"

Frank is busy teaching his interns how to use the camera. Good-intern-stereotype takes inappropriate pictures of his model, but Frank only advices him to pay attention to the lighting, while bad-intern-stereotype announces her lack of motivation to make her stupid and doesn't know what to do.

She clarifies she's studying to become a grocery store cashier, Franks asks why she's solicited at his studio, to which she admits not to care and just want to finish up school.

Frank has little to say in response to that and instead goes to check on good-intern-stereotype's photos with approval.

### Page 14: "CTRL+C, there's nothing wrong with that"

Frank is startled by the presence of his own interns, then handed over his given homework assignment by good-intern-stereotype. He scolds bad-intern-stereotype for not having done hers, commenting that while good-intern-stereotype's work is horrible and has been entirely copied from his website, at least he did it.

He then praises good-intern-stereotype seperately, whereafter he scolds him for losing at his video game.

### Page 15: "Funny boys are trustworthy boys"

Frank calls his interns over with the news one of his models reported to have been indecently touched. Bad-intern-stereotype responds shocked, while good-intern-stereotype just stands there with women's underwear on his head.

Franks thinks it to be funny and chooses to see bad-intern-stereotype as the perpetrator. She argues against it by commenting to be a girl, but Frank believes she has to be homosexual, as she's not once tried to flirt with him.

He then turns to good-intern-stereotype with a similar warning and the question when he'll start flirting with him.

### Page 16: "The disappointment is mutual"

Frank approaches his workshop students to express worry they're not taking things seriously. Each one replies in their own manner, confirming his beliefs.

### Page 17: "Sod off while I'm in my shed"

Frank takes his students to a special outdoors location to work. He tells them to get busy, while he heads into the ugly shed standing next to the large castle. But people keep coming in to ask questions or complain, causing the shed to collapse.

### Page 18: "Keep your eyes open for things"

Frank and his students are out on the road, but Frank keeps hitting the brakes to take pictures of random objects. His biggest critic and biggest fan both respond to this behaviour and the comic ends with him shutting down his wife who wants to stop to do some shopping, right after he lamented people need to speak up more and follow their desires.

### Page 19: "Photoshop is the devil"

Frank shows his students how to use light, though with little narration. He then hands them already printed out photos and asks them to apply light to them, to which someone asks if it wouldn't be better to use Photoshop then, upsetting Frank greatly.

### Page 20: "Faith in humanity restored"

Frank shows up to his students dressed in clothes Freddy Mercury once wore (which he's a fan of) and asks them who he is. After a series of guesses, the last one guesses Frank's own name, which is treated as the right answer. Frank responds with the "faith in humanity restored"-meme.

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## Trivia

* "Good-intern-stereotype" is based on Larie Kanker from the genderbent Ed, Edd n Eddy.
* Frank loves Freddie Mercury.