Constantinos' Lavatory Story

**Constantinos' Lavatory Story** is episode 62a of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on August 18, 2001.

## Synopsis

Constantinos desperately needs to pee, and Joey goes great lengths to make him suffer.

## Cast

* Gary Sauls as Constantinos, Mr. Goodman, Robbie, and Aaron
* Wayne Grayson as Joey
* Andrew Rannells as Edward and Phillip
* Josh Peck as Eric
* Edward Felker as Stanley and Rico
* Dan Green as Dallas
* Mike Pollock as Principal Walker and Fancy Pants
* John DiMaggio as Tony
* Eric Stuart as Frankfurt, Terry and Barry, Cheesy, and Jason, Grayson, Mason and Hasten
* Veronica Taylor as Carver
* Jessica DiCicco as Lola
* Grey DeLisle as Tamara
* Tom Kenny as Sponge

## Trivia

* Along with its sister episodes, Snack Attack and The Millennium's a-Comin', the color palette in this segment is darker than usual and is more washed out.
	+ This does not apply to any streaming service that Edward and Eric is on (e.g. HBO Max), where the coloring is normal.
* This episode is 7 minutes long, as opposed to the normal duration of 11 minutes.
* Since this episode was originally produced for Season 3, the animation is a lot better and more expressive than the rest of Season 4.
* This episode is available to watch on The Search for the Six VHS and DVD, and the Season 4 Volume 1 box set. Outside of the United States, it's also on the Misadventures in the West VHS and DVD.
* Although this episode premiered in 2001, it was produced in 2000 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.

## Transcript (WIP)

(The episode opens in the cafeteria, where a poster is hung up, and it reads "Say 'Wee' to Hold in Your Wee Contest!")

**Joey:** Alright, fellas. I say we squeeze a little more into this water drinking contest by upping the ante.

(He and Constantinos narrow their eyes at each other)

**Edward:** Oh my goodness! Joey is going to drink his water with ice cubes! No mortal would ever dare to attempt THAT.

(Joey takes swift chugs. His mouth sours up, and he struggles to not make noise, but then he comes out fine. Everybody cheers for him)

**Joey:** Go ahead, Noodle Arms. Match that.

(Constantinos raises an eyebrow and squirts a strawberry-flavored water flavor drop into his glass. He takes loud sips, but then tears form in his eyes. He smacks his head and fist against the table repeatedly, and then he faints)

(Everybody starts giving each other their bet money, only for Constantinos to sit back up)

**Constantinos:** WAIT! (drinks more, and everybody cheers for him once he sets the glass down)

**Joey:** I appreciate your dedication, Constantinos. But I must warn you (puts up four fingers) all FOUR of my brothers have won this contest! Let's see how well you can handle BUBBLED water.

(Everybody gasps)

(Joey takes a glass of bubbled water and squeezes lime into it. He drinks it in one chug, and everybody cheers for him. Constantinos does the same thing)

(Suddenly, Joey's mouth sours up again and he collapses)

(Beat)

**Everyone:** HOORAY FOR CONSTANTINOS! (they pick him up) HOORAY FOR CONSTANTINOS!

**Joey:** (dazed) Hooray for Constantinos.

(Beat)

**Joey:** Wait, WHAT?! "HOORAY FOR CONSTANTINOS"?! I REFUSE TO LOSE LIKE THIS!!! (storms out and growls) THIS ISN'T OVER, CONSTANTINOS!

(Camera transitions to everybody getting ready for a group photo)

**Edward:** (holding a camera) Ok, everybody! Let's have a group photo with the champion!

(They adjust poses)

**Edward:** Just a little closer now... (he prepares to take a photo, until he hears bouncing and sloshing) What's with the noise? It's disruptive. Constantinos, could you please stand still?

**Constantinos:** (nervously chuckles) I guess I had a little too much water. Could I go potty real quick?

**Edward:** Fair enough. Alright, everyone! Bathroom break!

(They leave, and the camera cuts to one of the school's restrooms, where a line has formed)

**Constantinos:** (hops into line) Oh, only three people in front of me. I can hold it in for that long.

(Terry and Barry are seen walking into the restroom)

**Constantinos:** Hey! Terry and Barry cut in front of us!

**Frankfurt:** No, he was next.

**Constantinos:** But I thought Henry was next!

**Frankfurt:** He is - he's next in line to get INTO line.

(Constantinos stares at the camera, and it cuts to a clock, where three hours pass by)

(The line is nearly empty, and Tony is loudly slurping a cup of soda. Constantinos grunts and heavily sweats)

**Tony:** Would you like my last sip?

(A toilet is heard flushing)

**Tony:** Oh, I'm next!

**Constantinos:** PLEASE HURRY!

(He puts his hands around his crotch and groans more)

(Then, Tony walks out as the toilet flushes. Constantinos bounces to the stall, until a hand puts up an "Out of Order" sign)

**Constantinos:** Out of order?! (bounces away as he grunts once again)

(Joey is revealed to have put the sign up. He maliciously laughs)

**Constantinos:** (hops to Walker's office) Please be there please be there! (knocks on the door three times with his head)

(Walker opens it)

**Constantinos:** May I please use your restroom, Principal Walker?!

**Principal Walker:** You know the guidelines, Constantinos. Only one student per day can use my commode.

(His toilet is heard flushing. Joey walks out)

**Joey:** Ah, much better.

(He takes out a planter and uses it to drop water on each of Walker's ten plants)

**Joey:** Your plants were looking quite dry, Mr. Walker. (leaves)

**Principal Walker:** Now that's a thoughtful student!

**Constantinos:** But where am I supposed to use the restroom?!

**Principal Walker:** Eh, I dunno. Go in the pool or something. (closes the door)

**Constantinos:** (water emerges from his eyes) The pool! (dashes off)

(He splashes into the Gym's pool and sighs in relief as he urinates in the water, which causes the pool to fill up with more water. Suddenly, a sponge emerges)

**Sponge:** I don't live in a toilet, so, please don't whiz in my home.

(Constantinos looks down and frowns. He sucks his pee back up, which drains all of the water)

**Constantinos:** Sorry. (runs away)

(The sponge turns out to be a puppet, which Joey removes. He laughs)

(Cut to Lakeside Forest)

**Constantinos:** I need somewhere to go! NEED SOMEWHERE TO GO! Universe, please give me a sign!

(Upon noticing a tree, his eyes sparkle)

**Constantinos:** Perfeeeeect!

(He prepares to pee there, until...)

**Joey:** Constantinos!

(Constantinos immediately zips his fly back up)

**Joey:** If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were about to pee on a tree like an uncultured, savage beast!

**Constantinos:** But I really have to go and there's no place to pee here!

**Joey:** Have you tried the girls' dorm?

**Constantinos:** The girls have a bathroom?

**Joey:** Girls pee and poop too, ya know.

(Beat)

**Constantinos:** Life made sense before you told me that.

(Fade to the girls' dorm)

**Lola:** I don't know, Constantinos. I mean, why should we let you use OUR bathroom?

**Constantinos:** (angrily) ***BECAUSE I REALLY HAVE TO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

**Lola:** Whoa! That's no way to ask someone to use their bathroom.

**Constantinos:** (grunts) I'm sorry. Pretty please? (grunts again) Pretty please with pee on top?

**Lola:** Ew, gross! (sighs in annoyance) Just go!

(Constantinos grins as he levitates to the restroom, until...)

**Joey:** Hold it, Constantinos!

(Constantinos drops to the ground)

**Joey:** Isn't that a GIRL'S bathroom?

(And then he anxiously looks at the sign)

**Constantinos:** Oh no! You're right, Joey!

**Tamara:** What's the hold-up, loser?

**Constantinos:** I can't go in there! It's not a boy's bathroom.

**Tamara:** I'd hate to break it to you, Einstein, but this is a GIRL'S dorm. There IS no boy's bathroom!

(His pupils widen, and the camera immediately cuts to Joey riding his bicycle in the forest, with Constantinos sitting behind him. To worsen the pain, they are near a river)

**Joey:** Don't worry, Constantinos. I'm sure we'll find a solution once we return to the school.

**Constantinos:** (groans in agony) Why did we have to take the long way, Joey?! Maybe I'd feel better if I rode.

**Joey:** No, no. I've got it. Anything for a "friend". (looks down at his shoe) Oh, shoot! My shoelaces are untied. Guess I better to do the logical thing,

(Constantinos clenches his teeth together)

**Joey:** and tie them.

(Suddenly, he lets out a war cry as he pushes Joey out of the bicycle and takes control of it. He rapidly pedals to the school and crashes into the restroom)

**Joey:** Oh boy. (runs to the school)

(Joey heads to the restroom, and notices the "Out of Order" sign on the ground)

**Joey:** No! My sign!

(At that moment, Constantinos is heard unzipping his pants, followed by an explosion. He sighs in relief as water fills up his eyes again)

(As he urinates, we see live-action stock footage of the following waterfalls: Niagara Falls, Yosemite Falls, and Angel Falls. His peeing goes on for so long that the camera cuts to Lakeside's skyline. The sun sets, and nighttime arrives. The sun rises)

(Once he finishes, stock footage of water dripping from a leaf is shown)

**Joey:** You win THIS round, Constantinos. But this isn't over yet. (walks away) Not by a long shot.

(Constantinos washes his hands, and he leaves the restroom)

**Joey:** Constantinos, there you are! You haven't finished using the bathroom yet, did you?

**Constantinos:** Just finished.

**Joey:** ***NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*** (pretends to cry)

**Constantinos:** What's wrong, Joey?

**Joey:** Oh, nothing. ("sniffles") It's just that, (takes out a diaper) I stayed up all night making this, for you.

**Constantinos:** (suspicious) You made me a diaper?

**Joey:** You moron, this isn't a diaper! Diapers are for babies. And I know you fit that criteria, but this is, uhh... (gets an idea) Boom-Boom Briefs! It's for movie actors when they need to make a boom-boom, but they can't since they're busy filming.

**Constantinos:** Movie actors?!

**Joey:** Be my guest, put it on.

**Constantinos:** Great idea! (puts it over his slacks) So how do I look?

**Joey:** (trying to contain his laughter) You sure do look picturesque.

**Constantinos:** Thanks, Joey. I'm gonna go show it off at the cafeteria. (heads off)

**Joey:** Oh, Constantinos, humiliating you without interference is just like winning the lottery. (laughs)

(Camera transitions to the cafeteria. It is crowding up, and there is a long line)

**Robbie:** (in the background, talking to Rico) Do you want to play Seek Seven?

**Rico:** (smiles) No.

(Robbie gets angry and starts to beat him up, until they notice Constantinos entering the cafeteria)

**Robbie:** Is that a-

**Carver:** LOOK, EVERYBODY! CONSTANTINOS IS WEARING A DIAPER!!!!

(Winifred drops a cheeseburger in shock. Tony spits out his milk, and then the camera focuses on Constantinos. Everybody laughs at him)

**Stanley:** Uh oh. Come on, Dallas, let's go help Constantinos.

(They approach him)

**Dallas:** Hey, Constantinos, how's it goi- (trips)

**Stanley:** Dallas, are you ok? (spills his food on him)

**Carver:** Look at that! Dallas just tripped and Stanley spilled his food on him! (everybody laughs)

**Stanley:** Constantinos, get out of here - quick!

**Constantinos:** What?

**Stanley:** JUST GO!

**Carver:** Wait a minute, those morons are trying to distract us from the REAL joke -- Constantinos in a diaper! (they continue laughing at him)

**Constantinos:** Huh? This thing? Oh, this isn't a diaper.

(They stop)

**Carver:** It's not?

**Constantinos:** It's a pair of Boom-Boom Briefs. It's what actors wear when they need to go poop while filming.

**Carver:** So you're actually wearing some sort of advanced diaper?

**Constantinos:** Yeah. Kinda.

**Everyone:** Cool!

(Joey approaches the cafeteria, rubbing his hands together)

**Joey:** I can't wait to see the look on that doofus' face. He's going to be so embarrassed right, about, (witnesses the commotion) now.

(Everybody, except for Edward, Dallas and Stanley are seen wearing diapers as well)

**Terry and Barry:** (passes by) Hey, Joey.

**Joey:** What? What's going on?

**Constantinos:** Hey, Joey, over here!

(Joey marches up to the table the gang is sitting at)

**Constantinos:** Boom-Boom Briefs are such a huge hit. And it's all thanks to you.

**Eric:** They're so convenient! Oh, um, Constantinos, can you save my spot while I go pee?

**Constantinos:** Sure thing, Eric.

(Silence. Eric doesn't leave his spot)

**Eric:** Ok, I'm done.

**Edward:** (to Dallas and Stanley) I think we've seen enough.

**Dallas:** Yeah, I'm out.

(The trio leaves)

**Carver:** Look, guys! Eric just went to the bathroom like the actors do!

**Eric:** Just like the actors!

(Jason, Grayson, Mason and Hasten sigh in relaxation, suggesting they went in themselves as well. Winifred does the same)

**Winifred:** Dang it! I forgot I wasn't wearing Boom-Boom Briefs.

**Joey:** Grrrrrrrr... ***DON'T YOU GET IT?!!? YOU'RE ALL WEARING DIAPERS!!!!!***

(Beat)

**Eric:** You seem to be missing the point, Joey. These are Boom-Boom Briefs. There's a clear difference.

**Aaron:** (butts in) Besides, these seem to be clearly designed to emphasize recycling. You can reduce wasting paper, and you can (sighs in relief) reuse them.

**Joey:** No! NO! You're all wearing diapers! I've got to get out of here!

(He reaches for the front exit, until Eric teleports in front of him)

**Eric:** Come on, Joey, (hands him a pair) join the fun!

(Joey reluctantly stares at the diaper. He looks back and forth, and the camera immediately cuts to him wearing it as he stands on a table)

**Joey:** Hey, everybody, I'm the coolest student in the school! *I* invented the Boom-Boom Briefs!

**Mr. Goodman:** (walks in) Uh, excuse me, Joey.

**Joey:** Hello, Mr. Goodman. Were you interested in buying a pair of Boom-Boom Briefs?

**Mr. Goodman:** (chuckles) No diapers for me. I just wanted to let you know that three of your older brothers are here to see you. (leaves)

**Cheesy:** JOEY!!!!

(Joey's eyes widen, and he turns around to see Cheesy, Phillip and Fancy Pants)

**Joey:** I-it's not what it looks like.

**Cheesy:** Oh really? So I guess you didn't lose the water drinking contest? And now I suppose you're not gonna admit to inventing these lame diapers? (scoffs as Joey is seen crying) Can you bring anymore shame to our family?

**Phillip:** I can't believe we're related.

(They go to exit the school, until Fancy Pants stops)

**Fancy Pants:** Oh, Joey, honey! Wearing diapers is so fifteen years ago! (follows the rest of his brothers)

**Joey:** B-b-but, it's not a diaper!

(The camera cuts to the exterior of the school)

**Joey:** ***THEY'RE CALLED BOOM-BOOM BRIEFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

(Iris out)

("The End" screen)

(Episode ends)