Helen's Hell Hags (Song)

art by PixelWayve

This article is about the song. For the superhero team, see Helen's Hell Hags

Helen's Hell Hags is a solo track featuring a superhero team who fights abusers.

The track was promised as a Murder Mystery wager reward if the general listening party was able to correctly identify the murderer during the livestream of Kevin & Abi and the Secret of the Golden Pendant. The fandom was one vote away from accusing the correct culprit, but Paul Shapera wrote the song anyway.

The album art cover is a homage to the comic series Paper Girls by Brian K. Vaughan and Cliff Chiang.

## Performers

Lauren Osborn as The Floozy

Kerttu Aarnipuu as Joki the Goblin

Hayley Warner as Shira

Kiera-Marie Somers as Galaxy the Witch

Paul Shapera as various unnamed male characters

art by PixelWayve

## Lyrics

[Da Floozy]

Okay, you's all ready? Joki you gotta wear pants or a dress or somethin' not everybody needs to see your goblin hoo-ha!

Okay, get ready everyone - Here we go!

Heya! Floozy Here!

I wanna talk to you's about my amazing group of friends and our fun and exciting super group we got!

Helen's Hell Hags!

[All]

We're Helen's Hell Hags, we're ready to fight

We're Helen's Hell Hags, if you can't be nice

We're gonna take you and stick your tush down

Unpack your trauma till you're turned around

We're Helen's Hell Hags, coming for the bad guys

We're Helen's Hell Hags, cause it's therapy time

We're gonna make you unpack your trauma today

Acknowledge your emotions and send you on your way

[Da Floozy]

So my name is Da Floozy heya!

[Shira]

Hi I'm Shira!

[Galaxy The Witch]

I'm Galaxy The Witch!

[Joki The Goblin]

I'm Joki The Goblin! My mom was Ryvyr

[Buffy Rabbit]

\*inaudible mumbling\*

[Da Floozy] (spoken)

And that's Buffy Rabbit! He don't talk so good but that's okay we love him anyway

We protect people from abusers. We try it the nice way, but if they don't wanna listen we dish out the tough love!

Okay gang, one more chorus before we get started!

[All]

We're Helen's Hell Hags, we're ready to fight

We're Helen's Hell Hags, if you can't be nice

We're gonna take you and stick your tush down

Unpack your trauma till you're turned around

We're Helen's Hell Hags, coming for the bad guys

We're Helen's Hell Hags, cause it's therapy time

We're gonna make you unpack your trauma today

Acknowledge your emotions and send you on your way

[Da Floozy] (spoken)

Okay gang, we're picking up a distress call from a nearby narrative! We got a girl in trouble! Let's skedaddle!

--

Look at what you ma-ma-ma-ma-made me do. [x3]

Look at what you made me do

Imma give it to you!

[Shira] (spoken)

Let's kick this guy's ass!

[Galaxy The Witch]

I got a spell that'll make his sphincter itchy for a month!

[Joki The Goblin]

I love violence!

[Da Floozy]

Ah, hang on gals! We gotta give him a chance to grow!

Okay bub, either you agree to a sittin' circle or we're gonna twist ya toushy!

[Guy]

Ah okay I'll try the sittin' circle. But I don't like you dames!

[Galaxy The Witch]

Sit down buddy, before you give me an excuse to-

[Da Floozy]

Sittin' circle time!!!!

[Guy mumbling]

Okay...

Well sure that's understandable!

[mumblings turns to sobbing]

Oh this is just a lot to unload I get it! No! You got a lot of baggage let it out! Let it out!

[Da Floozy] (singing)

Cry, cry child

Cry, cry child

Cry now, baby, cry

Cry now, baby, cry

Cry, cry child

[Da Floozy] (speaking)

Okay gang! He's uncovered some of his trauma and unconcious triggers and agreed to continue therapy with a licensed therapist! Our work here is done! Let's go gang!

[Joki The Goblin]

I was hoping for violence

[All]

We're Helen's Hell Hags, we're ready to fight

We're Helen's Hell Hags, if you can't be nice

We're gonna take you and stick your tush down

Unpack your trauma till you're turned around

We're Helen's Hell Hags, coming for the bad guys

We're Helen's Hell Hags, cause it's therapy time

We're gonna make you unpack your trauma today

Acknowledge your emotions and send you on your way

[Da Floozy]

Hang on gang, we got a distress call coming in from a frat house in sector five!

[Shira]

Uh-Ho

[Galaxy The Witch]

Maybe there'll be alcohol!

[Joki The Goblin]

I love alcohol!

[Galaxy The Witch]

I thought you loved violence

[Joki The Goblin]

I love violence AND alcohol, I'm well rounded!

[Da Floozy]

Let's go gang!

[Dude Bro]

Yeah, super check! Me and my dude bro were having a kegger and respectfully conversing with these two lovely ladies in hopes of recieving their consenting romantic affection, when this UFO appeared and beamed my Dude Bro up and took him away! Ya gotta help him!

[Shira]

Aliens? Cool

[Joki The Goblin]

How are we gonna get to their spaceship?

[Galaxy The Witch]

My coven mother taught me a bunch of spells from hell, I have one that'll get us right up there!

[Da Floozy]

Let's get 'em!

[Galaxy The Witch]

Oh my god, Aliens

[Shira]

Are they gonna stick this tube up his butt?

[Da Floozy]

Stop that right now aliens!

[Aliens]

\*alien noises of protest\*

[Da Floozy]

I don't care! You can not put things up people's bums without consent!

[Joki The Goblin]

Can we beat them up?

[Shira]

Oh yes let's beat them up I always wanted to battle aliens!

[Da Floozy]

Hang on gang, we gotta give them a chance to repent and grow!

[All]

N'awwww!

[Da Floozy]

How's about it aliens? Either you agree for a sittin' circle or my team here is gonna wipe the walls of this ship with ya!

[Aliens]

\*alien noises of agreeing to a sittin' circle\*

[Da Floozy]

They agreed!

[All]

N'awwwww crap goddamit

[Da Floozy]

Joki skat while we get the circle sitted!

[Joki The Goblin]

\*immaculate skatting skills\*

[Da Floozy]

Cry, cry child

Cry, cry child

Cry, baby, cry

Cry, baby, cry

Cry, baby, cry on me

Cry, baby, cry

Cry, baby, cry

Cry, baby, cry on me

[Da Floozy]

Wow we got another call comin' in!

[Galaxy The Witch]

Wow, busy day

[Shira]

Alright let's get 'em!

[Da Floozy]

Oh my god, it's a white supremacist ralley!

[White Supremacist]

Well lookey here, we got ourselves a bunch of CENSORED and CENSORED

[Shira]

Guess we gotta do a sittin' circle

[Galaxy The Witch]

Guess we gotta give em a chance to grow

[Da Floozy]

Ah screw that! Let's just kick their hineys!

[All]

Yeeeeeey!

[Joki The Goblin]

I love violence!

\*awesome instrumental of the Hell Hags kicking ass\*

[Da Floozy]

Buffy Rabbit you can't stick the entire flag up his- Oh, I guess you can!

[Galaxy The Witch]

Explosive diarraeh spell!

[Shira]

Kiss my sweet ass you nasty douchnozzle!

[Joki The Goblin]

I love violence!

\*more awesome instrumental\*

[All]

We're Helen's Hell Hags, we're ready to fight

We're Helen's Hell Hags, if you can't be nice

We're gonna take you and stick your tush down

Unpack your trauma till you're turned around

We're Helen's Hell Hags, coming for the bad guys

We're Helen's Hell Hags, cause it's therapy time

We're gonna make you unpack your trauma today

Acknowledge your emotions and send you on your way

[Da Floozy]

Good work gang! And to all of you out there - we love you! And you are valid! You gotta be good to others and that starts with self care! Examine your actions, forgive your younger self and take care of your mental and emotional health! Somewhere deep in there, there's a child who needs to have a good cry. It's okay to let it out!

[Da Floozy]

Cry, cry child

Cry, cry child

Cry now, baby, cry

Cry now, baby, cry

Cry now, baby, cry on me

Cry, baby, cry

Cry, baby, cry

Cry now, baby, cry

Cry now, baby, cry

Cry now, baby, cry on me

Oh woah Cry, baby, cry on me

Cry, baby, cry on me

Cry, baby, cry

Cry, baby, cry

Cry, baby, cry on me

Cry, cry child

Cry, cry child

Cry now, baby, cry

Cry now, baby, cry

Cry on me