Van Weezer

*"Oh god there’s a new weezer album today isn’t there"*

*--Cam Cain*

**Van Weezer** is an album by the rock band Weezer. It was released on 5-7-21 and reviewed by Cam later that day. The album was inspired by hair metal from the 80s and features high register vocals and big power chords. It was Cam's third review of a Weezer album, following a lukewarm review of Weezer (Teal Album) and a positive review of OK Human. His review of Van Weezer, on the other hand, was overwhelmingly negative.

## Cam's Review

### Introduction

Weezer are dangerously close to reeling me back in. After a lousy 4-year stretch, I really enjoyed OK Human which came out in February or something. And I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. This album, Van Weezer, is I guess supposed to sound like 80s power ballads. Which is fine I guess. I’m not sure what my expectations are. Maybe they’re starting a trend where they release one album where they’re trying really hard to make it good and another one that’s just them goofing around. I guess you could say they maybe did that with black and teal, although the “serious” album had a song with the chorus “die die you zombie bastards” and also it sucked so that theory kinda falls apart. Either way, I’m going to listen to Van Weezer and form an opinion on it. Wish me luck

### Songs

#### Track 1: Hero

This is the only one I had heard already. It starts with a very 80s-sounding guitar riff. It sounds like a Weezer version of 80s power pop, which is exactly what they’re going for. So good job, I guess. It kinda feels like I’m being tricked into liking this. Like they’re just slapping a bunch of elements of music that people like together and calling it a song. It’s catchy but I don’t love it

#### Track 2: All the Good Ones

I like the opening riff, but it doesn’t blend into the first verse at all. Not thrilled by that verse. The chorus reeeeally sounds like Beverly Hills, which is not a good thing. It’s the guitar and handclaps. I don’t like this one 1.

#### Track 3: The End of the Game

Ok I lied, I’ve heard this one too. This one definitely has that Van Halen vibe. Are any of the opening guitar things in the same key as the rest of the song? Maybe they are and it just feels like they aren’t. I do like this one though. The chorus is very catchy. I like the harmonies right before the second chorus. More handclaps which I don’t love, but I’ll give it a pass. Good song

#### Track 4: I Need Some of That

Maybe the guitar intros are just a lot louder than the first vocals. It’s kinda shocking every time. “Listening to Aerosmith, later on I will call my mom.” This song is really boring for something that’s trying so hard. You need some of what? This feels like it was pulled straight from Hurley, mixed with the Green Album thing of having the bridge be just the chorus played on the guitar. It would be one of the better songs on Hurley. Is it one of the better ones on this album? Not sure yet, I hope not

#### Track 5: Beginning of the End

Oh cool it begins with a faint police siren that sounds like it’s outside my window. This one’s acoustic? Interesting. Oh wait never mind. I like this one. I’m not sure what makes it better than the other ones, but I think it is. It sounds kinda familiar but I’m not sure why. 2. Kinda a kick-ass guitar bridge, but I’m not sure if it was fully earned, ya know? Like it didn’t have enough buildup. Maybe I’m just a buildup snob. Good song

#### Track 6: Blue Dream

Is he having a dream about the blue album? So the first 20 seconds are lifted directly from Crazy Train. And then Rivers says “The fishes are my friends underneath the sea. Swimming all around, they want to be with me.” Why do I listen to this band? I guess I like the chorus. 3.

#### Track 7: One More Hit

Whoa maybe this song will be their last ever hit. Oh my god did he just say “Pump it up into me please daddy?” Ok so this is the worst song on the album and their lowest point in a long time. I guess they’re trying to make this song real aggro. What is happening? Halfway through it switched to another song entirely. And then it goes to a major key for one last sunny chorus. I need one more hit in the head to make me forget this one

#### Track 8: Sheila Can Do It

Oh this is one of their old demos from like 20 years ago. This one is solid, but I’m kinda numb from the last one. Maybe I’ve been too harsh on this album. I’ll probably listen again when I’m in a different mindset and try to take it less seriously

#### Track 9: She Needs Me

Kinda feels like one of the slower ballad-like songs you’ll hear from Guns n Roses every once in a while. Oh wait no the guitars just kicked in. This one’s kinda hard to listen to also. Maybe I’m the problem?

#### Track 10: Precious Metal Girl

The final one. Weezer have always had really good album closers, even on some of the really iffy albums. It’s starting with an acoustic guitar, which is kinda cool. Like the hangover after the first 9 songs. I’m digging it. It’s sweet. I’m getting O Girlfriend vibes. I could see myself coming back to this one. Good choice to end the album with something like this

### Conclusion

I… didn’t like this album. I’ll listen again when I’m feeling more open-minded, but this first listen was kinda rough. The songs felt kinda dumbed down, which is a stupid thing to say since Weezer aren’t exactly [who’s a smart band? tool? let’s go with that]. They were going for a very specific sound with this one, and they achieved it pretty perfectly, so I will give them credit for it. But I really didn’t enjoy listening to this, and there were some particularly rough moments.

**3/10**

## Footnotes

1. So I still haven't listened back to the album, but I have re-listened to All the Good Ones for whatever reason, and it's kinda grown on me! Maybe that means some of the other songs will grow on me, but this one isn't as bad as I made it out to be.
2. So the reason this one sounds familiar is because I had heard a slightly different version of it when it was released as a single for the new Bill and Ted movie.
3. So Blue Dream is kinda a wild story. It turns out that the non-Crazy Train melody and most of the words were lifted from an EWBAITE-era demo called Ballad of the Briny. And Ballad of the Briny is incredible. Oh my god it's so good. And that makes it so much worse that they bastardized a really great song and turned it into this piece of crap.