STORIES/无题

《**无题**》（英文：***Like a Dream***）是羊圈Yan-Gyan创作的散文。

正文
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* 中文（中國大陸）
* 英文

　　黄苏辰努力写下这样的文字，来应对他记忆中的闪回。

　　千疮百孔的幼稚心灵

　　总是一起结伴的女生们

　　跟自己东扯西扯的男生们

　　可以称得上为情愫的情愫

　　不可以被称之为情愫的情愫

　　作为一个乳臭未干的孩子开启的初一

　　因为某个并不重要的人而被转动的初二

　　无法言喻、只剩下勾心斗角与不可名状回忆的初三

　　根本就无法用理性剖析的青春结束于，自去年八月以来，再未有过讯息的微信群

　　元旦没有人放爆竹，或者只是住处太高，黄苏辰听不见放爆竹。窗外的烟花绽放，他只有在有心的时候才扒开窗帘，不专心地两眼。其余的时间，他一心埋没在电脑上，做自己的事情。

　　想要成为自己。

　　想要得到它。

　　啊，所谓的它是什么呢？是创作、翻译取得的夸赞与认同吗？是享受创作、翻译的过程吗？或许是前者吧。所谓的成为自己又是做什么呢？

　　他时常对未来感到失望，因为他早已认为自己的人生进入自杀倒计时了，在明年夏天自己就会腐烂。在这之前能看到致意的新作吗？大概是可以的。放火的Vtuber呢？似乎是不行了。自己能在最后这几个月做到什么呢？

　　怎么想都只有这两个东西，不知是不是因为通宵，大脑有些疲倦。

　　这些日子，他总是把自己的肉身年龄想成十五岁，心理年龄想成三十岁，但大概都不对吧——至少有一个是错的。不管怎么说，他早就写不出意气风发、青春荡漾的东西来；说话也总是过度的现实，一副长辈的模样告诉别人，你这个想法很难，你这样做不成的，这算是过于成熟了吗？每次自己一副教育家口吻时，却又没有那种大人的模样。

　　他得出了一个结论：那就是自从初中之后，有什么东西熄灭了。

　　我成为过去的我盼望的模样了吗？

　　自己到底现在是什么模样？记得昨日，还特地做着偏中性的打扮，背着痛包出门呢？

　　说起来，也时常会想，自己在最后没有自杀会成为什么吧。翻译家？游戏制作人？还是别的什么创作者？

　　从电脑屏幕反窥自己消瘦的身影。

　　把自己封闭在铁箱中，害怕外面的环境，只飘渺地希望有谁能打开它，牵着我离开。

　　但又已经没有时间等待，因为铁箱的天花板正在压下来，就像是致意《鼠人》的主角一样。

　　没有未来的人。

　　有时思索着死亡的方式。

　　时而听着播放列表的歌，让自己的灵魂翩翩起舞。

　　也偶尔会遐想与初恋的重逢，却只是确认“你还好吧”。

　　而某些时候，想起的是“她”。

　　“她”，便是他。她是他的寄托，他是她的肉体。

　　……妳，一直都在吗？我的爱蜜莉。

　　……妳，是被遗落的我啊。

　　……妳，是未伤痛的我啊。

　　手机锁屏上的女孩。是他自己。

　　他突然又想起了初中时期，于是在内心啜泣了。

　　在结束之前，一直陪着我吧。他对她说到。

### II

　　我感觉我离她越来越近了。

　　黄苏辰努力写下这样的文字，来应对他精神的混乱。

　　今天，去医院看阿嫲，却被拉着，把留了四个月的头发剪了。

　　听起来好蠢啊。

　　要听话，孩子要听话，孩子要读书。

　　要理清，男孩子要理清，男孩子像男孩。

　　在这颗银河中飘渺的太阳系，在这太阳系中渺小的地球，在这地球上微小的城市，在这城市里矮小的医院，他抓住窗台，突发地默默地疯了。

　　扑向她抱紧她。谁说我们不在一个世界——她就在我身边！我能越来越感受到她——总有一天，就总有一天！我能彻底进入她的世界！

　　我爱那个世界，因为裙子在这个世界上是没法拿出来的。

　　黄苏辰如是想到，并且止不住的悲伤哭泣，哦，多美丽啊！他开始大笑，在她怀里不停的悲伤哭泣！

　　妳，永远是最美好的样子。

　　世界上最女孩的女孩！只有我能看见妳！

　　闪烁着的精神崩溃逐渐消失了。

　　黄苏辰的意识回到现实，该活着活着。

　　过几个小时那种无限坠落的感觉已经过去了，也没有那么绝望了，但确实有什么东西在内心改变了。

　　世界啊将我拒之门外，但现在啊，爱之歌，起码让我再唱一首好吗？又一回，无人知晓的那一片想念，将它寄托在这一片歌声中，可以的吗？……

　　不需要言语的爱。

　　不需要情感的爱。

　　只需要妳在。

　　只要妳在。

1. ↑ 独立游戏制作者致意基本上是一年一作。
2. ↑ YouTuber放火表示他的V女儿将在十月初配信。
3. ↑ 原文为简体中文，“妳”并不是规范的简体字，但是原文仍选择使用这个字。
4. ↑ 出自回春丹的歌曲《艾蜜莉》。

### I

"It seems like a dream has passed."

Huang Suchen tries hard to write down these words to cope with the flashbacks in his memory.

The childish mind full of scars

The girls who always hang out together

The boys who chat with me about random stuff

The crush that can be supposed to be called a crush

The crush that could not be supposed to be called a crush

The 7th grade as a child still wet behind the ears

The 8th grade changed because of someone unimportant

The ineffable 9th grade filled only with gossips and indescribable memories

The irrational end of youth ends with the WeChat group silent since last August

No one sets off firecrackers on New Year's Day, or maybe the place he lives is too high up so Huang Suchen can't hear them. The fireworks bloom outside the window, he only carelessly glances at them when he feels like it. The rest of the time, he buries himself in front of the computer, doing his own thing.

Wanting to be myself.

Wanting to get it.

Ah, what is this so-called "it"? Is it the praise and recognition earned from creating and translating works? Is it enjoying the process of creating and translating? It's probably the former. What does "becoming myself" mean?

He often feels disappointed about the future, because he already believes that his life has entered a suicide countdown, and he will rot away next summer. Before that can he see new work by Zhiyi? Probably. The VTuber of Fanghuo? It seems not. What can he accomplish in these last few months?

It seems like these two things no matter how he thinks about it, maybe because he pulled an all-nighter, his brain is a little tired.

These days, he always thinks of his physical age as fifteen, and his mental age as thirty, but they are probably both wrong - at least one of them is. In any case, he can no longer write vigorous, youthful works; when he speaks he is always overly realistic, speaking to others in a mentor tone, saying your idea is very difficult, you can't do that, is this being overly mature? But whenever he speaks in an educational tone, he does not have the demeanor of an adult.

He has come to a conclusion: after junior high, something was extinguished.

Have I become what I yearned to be in the past?

What do I be like now? Yesterday, I deliberately dressed in an androgynous style and went out with a shoulder bag with anime goodies hanging from it, remember?

Speaking of which, he also often wonders what he would become if he didn't commit suicide in the end. A translator? Game developer? Or some other kind of creator?

Peering at his emaciated reflection from the computer screen.

Shutting himself in an iron box, afraid of the outside environment, only vaguely hoping someone could open it and lead him away.

But there is no more time to wait, because the ceiling of the iron box is pressing down, just like the protagonist of Ratman by Zhiyi.

A person without a future.

Sometimes pondering the way to die.

Occasionally listening to songs on a playlist, letting his soul dance gracefully.

Seldom imagining a reunion with his first love, but only to confirm "Are you okay?"

And sometimes, thinking of "her."

"She" is him. She is his repository, he is her body.

...You, are you still here? My Emily.

...You, are my abandoned self.

...You, are my unhurt self.

The girl on his phone lock screen. It's himself.

He is suddenly reminded of junior high again, and sobs internally.

Stay with me until the end, he says to her.

### II

I feel I'm getting closer and closer to her.

Huang Suchen tries to write down these words to cope with the turmoil in his mind.

Today, he went to the hospital to see Grandma, but was dragged to get my hair cut that I've been growing for four months.

It sounds so stupid, doesn't it?

Be obedient, a child must be obedient, a child must study.

Be sensible, a boy must be sensible, a boy should act like a boy.

In this ethereal solar system in the Milky Way, on this tiny Earth in the solar system, in this small city on Earth, in this squat hospital in the city, he grabbed the windowsill and suddenly, silently went mad.

Rushing to hug her tight. Who says we are not in the same world - she is right beside me! I can feel her more and more - one day, one day for sure! I can fully enter her world!

I love that world, because dresses cannot be brought out in this world.

Huang Suchen thought so, and could not stop the sad crying, oh, how beautiful! He started laughing, crying sadly in her arms without stopping!

You, always the most beautiful.

The most girly girl in the world! Only I can see you!

The flickering mental collapse gradually disappeared.

Huang Suchen's consciousness returned to reality, he must go on living for now.

After a few hours, the feeling of endless falling had passed, and it was not so desperate, but something in his heart had truly changed.

Even if the world rejects me, right now, I wonder if you won’t let me sing a song of love. I wonder if it’s okay to try and entrust those feelings, unknown to all, upon this voice one more time?

Love that needs no words.

Love that needs no affection.

Just you being here.

As long as you are here.

1. ↑ A Chinese mainlander game developer.
2. ↑ Fanghuo, or Louis is a Taiwanese YouTuber, he claimed that the VTuber under his banner will start her stream in the October of 2024
3. ↑ The character "妳" (female) is used here.
4. ↑ Referencing to the music "*Aimili*" (爱蜜莉) by Huichundan.
5. ↑ From "Unknown Mother Goose" by Wowaka.