330: I Don’t Want One of Your Hair Doughnuts

## Summary

The Rutabago trundles down the road once again and Rosco tries to establish some ground rules to help him cope with the sudden influx of new passengers. Eventually they pull over at Suncoco, a roadside service area complete with hippo fountain and geothermal geyser. While the vehicles tyres are refilled, they chat to Stanley the attendant and learn that some kind of tragic event has befallen the inhabitants of Trent.

## Synopsis

The weather is bright and sunny. It's hot. The road is quiet. Along the journey, the party learn that the Bleeker family are heading to Trent to meet the mother's husband, a ferryman. He takes people back and forth across the Natrine River, which flows through Trent. Rosco estimates they'll be on the road for a few days before they reach Trent. He suggests the Rutabago's "tires" could use filling up and knows a place to stop called Suncoco. Raphina knows the place too, but Rosco seems confused over the spelling and pronunciation of the name. She tries not to make him feed bad, and plays along.

Rosco wants to establish some ground rules for the Rutabago, especially for the newest members of the travelling group. Will likes the idea of rules. For instance, no consuming of fish rations while inside the vehicle. Batthwack, riding alongside on Steed, makes a mental note. Will shows the little girl, Mauve, how to entertain Raphina's cat with a light that he creates by casting *Prestidigitation* on his hand mirror. With the girl distracted, Rosco talks quietly to Will, urging caution about saying too much in front of their new travelling companions with regards Zantras and Juliette.

Eventually, they pull up to Suncoco, which it turns out, is a flat open space by the roadside where a hippopotamus fountain statue stands in the middle of a pond, water shooting out of its nostrils. Next to the pond is a geothermal geyser, intermittently sending jets of water into the air. An attendant comes out of a little shed next to the pond and tells everyone to relax while he fills the tires. Will tips the attendant, not to be nice, but really just to try and fool himself, even if only for just a fleeting moment, that he's back in a proper town. Batthwack leaves Steed and Lachrymose to chew on the grass while he buys 1sp worth of apples (eight to be precise) from a stash the attendant keeps in a cellar below his hut.

Rosco starts up a conversation with the attendant, who's name is Stanley. Rosco's convinced that the hippo fountain used to be an actual living hippo who would fill the tires from hoses attached to his nipples. Stanley's unsure how to respond to that line of questioning. He says he's been working here for 15 years and it's always been a statue. Rosco's "memories" go back further than that. *"Some stories just get lost to the sands of time,"* he says as Raphina rubs the hippo's nostril affectionately. *"For good luck,"* she says. Rosco asks is there's any news from Trent and Stanley tells him that he thinks something bad happened there lately, like someone died or something. He hasn't seen anyone from that direction for a few days, but he has seen depressed-looking people dressed in black. When the tyre filling has finished, Stanley disappears back into his hut.

## Quotes

* Batthwack: *"Yeah, I mean, nobody's following us. We're leaving. Wink wink."* Abby: *"He actually says 'Wink wink,' doesn't he?"* Eric: *"He can't wink. He has a cloaca. That's my favourite film:* Lizard Men Can't Wink*."*

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from Adam. Will and Rosco are discussing ground rules for the Rutabago now that they have new traveling companions. Will says *"Rules are good. Especially when travelling with disgusting people,"* to which Rosco responds *"I gotta stop you right there. Raphina is not that disgusting."* While they're debating this, Abby adds, *"Raphina picks something of her hair and puts it in her mouth."* Eric: *"It's a Krispy Kreme doughnut."* KT asks, *"Does it have a bite out of it?"* Eric: *"No, it's whole and warm."* Later, Rosco is concerned about encounters with Juliette Rusher. He says, *"I was in big trouble with the Sooty Gang. And they were pretty scary, but they don't hold a candle to that Juliette chick. Did you see? She killed Sin like* that*..."* as he tries to snap his fingers, but there's mustard on there, so it's not working. He licks it off and Raphina seems to mistake this for hunger, saying, *"Do you need a doughtnut?"* Will: *"Rosco, no offence, but I'm gonna add 'No licking fingers' to the rules list, because I hate that."* Rosco: *"Then I'm gonna touch you with mustard fingers. And no Raphina, I don't want one of your hair doughtnuts!"*
* Looney Lucy and Ploppy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KARhxvZEU8

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured Abby doing a recap to the tune of *Scarborough Fair*, the traditional song made famous by Simon & Garfunkel. Also (in)famously used by Adam in his own podcast, *Everwood? Neverwouldn't!*, as the basis of a jingle introducing a section of the show called *TV Time Time*. The lyrics always end with the phrase *"Parsley, sage, rosemar-TV Time"*, which Abby refers to in this episode of PFD. Abby first mentioned the idea of doing a recap song to this tune back in episode 208: Poetic Lichen and Eric actually first adapted the song for a recap back in episode 236: I've Met Fate Many Time! Finally, 122 episodes later, we are treated to Abby's own rendition.

*[Verse 1]*

Shall we fight this grinning lady?

So says Will inside Batthwack's head

Batthwack says I think we should just leave

Rosco tries to heal Sin, who's dead

*[Verse 2]*

"I had better not see you again!"

Juliette does not want some tea

Will says she thinks Batthwack is a half-orc (Half-orc! Half-orc!)

Owl-bear pelt on dead Sin's body

*[Verse 3]*

Mo discovers our portable god

Warping Scorpion - terrarium!

Let's go to Trent and take guitar lessons

But dead Sin is never to strum

*[Verse 4]*

Who will need me? Lachrymose moans

You shall go with two little girls!

Shall we fake the death of poor Batthwack?

Or kill and then revive him with pearls? (I mean diamonds!)

*[Verse 5]*

Shall we take an alternate route?

Will intends to leave Sheemie behind

But Sheemie plans to stick with us always (Forever and ever more!)

In Sin's room three owlbear pelts we find

*[Verse 6]*

Are we sneaking into Gully's End?

Rosco, Will, Raphina and Mo? (and Batthwack and Sheemie)

Lachrymose is trotting alongside

Off we go in the Rutabago

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ The Rutabago's wheels are giant rutabaga vegetables!