I want to live and die.

* As Life Scatters Away
* Mugenhouyou

-Self-hatred and suicidal thoughts-

"*I am weak.*"— **Music description**
**I want to live and die.** (生きたくて死にたい, *Ikitakute Shinitai*[?], aka I want to live and I want to die) is a song by Guchiry featuring IA. It is the sixth track of the album *As Life Scatters Away*, the sixteenth track of the album *Mugenhouyou*, and the image song for Ishii.

## Lyrics

* Japanese
* Romaji
* English

小さな不幸が積もり積もって、死にたさとなって心を巣食った。

詰まる所、導因は己自身。自称『健忘不幸症』。

「そんなことで」と笑われるが、お前にはちっとも分かりやしないさ。

‘‘自己嫌悪’’ ‘‘自尊心の無さ’’ で心が死にゆくことなんて。

やる事、成す事、全て裏目。これ以上もないほど、悔しくて泣いた。

それでも、自分を変えられないとわかってしまったよ。悲しい程に。

精一杯頑張っていたつもりが、無価値も烏滸がましいようなこの生だ。

何となく息をするだけだった。生産性も何も無くなった。

可能性を虱潰しているだけだった。

夢見心地の悪さが、居心地の悪さと気付いた。

鏡越しの顔は引き攣った。浅い眠りばかりの毎日だ。

どうして、生きているんだろう。

他人と同じことをやってるつもりでも、何一つ出来ていやしないが、

自分と同じことを、他人は簡単に出来てしまっていた。

「努力しろ」と投げかけられるが、これでもやれることはしているんだ。

教えてくれ、どうすれば君と同じことが出来る？

明日も明後日も同じ毎日で、昨日と変わらず過ぎていくんだろう。

それでも、周りは変わっていくんだってわかってしまったよ。

ねぇ、置いていかないで。

一生涯、添い遂げられるほどの愛を、自分に注いであげられなかった。

自分自身を許せなかった。所謂、‘‘愛’’を知らず生きていた。

いつまでも中身は未熟で幼かった。

みんな大人になっていくけれど、未だ大人になれない自分は、

ずっと後ろから背中ばかりを追いかけ続けて、追いつけなくて。

どうして、どうして、、どうして、、、生きているんだろう。

消えてしまいたいのに、死んでしまいたいのに、

特別命を絶つことも無い。だが、希死念慮だけ募っていく。

それでも、生きていたいんだ。

幸せを望んでしまっていた。

Chiisana fukou ga tsumori tsumotte, shinitasa to natte kokoro o sukutta.

Tsumaru tokoro, douin wa onore jishin. Jishou “Kenbou fukoushou”.

"Sonna koto de" to warawareruga, omae ni wa chittomo wakariyashinaisa.

‘‘Jiko keno’’ ‘‘Jisonshin no na sa’’ de kokoro ga shiniyuku koto nante.

Yaru koto, nasu koto, subete urame. Kore ijou mo nai hodo, kuyashikute naita.

Soredemo, jibun o kaerarenai to wakatteshimattayo. Kanashii hodo ni.

Seiippai ganbatteita tsumori ga, mu kachi mo okogamashii youna kono namada.

Nantonaku iki o suru dakedatta. Seisansei mo nani mo nakunatta.

Kanousei o shiramitsubushiteiru dakedatta.

Yumemigokochi no waru sa ga, igokochi no waru sa to kizuita.

Kagamigoshi no kao wa hikitsutta. Asai nemuri bakari no mainichida.

Doushite, ikiteiru ndarou.

Tanin to onaji koto o yatteru tsumoride mo, nanihitotsu dekite iya shinaiga,

Jibun to onaji koto o, tanin wa kantan ni dekiteshimatteita.

"Doryoku shiro" to nagekakerareruga, kore demo yareru koto wa shiteiru nda.

Oshietekure, dou sureba kimi to onaji koto ga dekiru？

Ashita mo myougonichi mo onaji mainichi de, kinou to kawarazu sugiteiku ndarou.

Soredemo, mawari wa kawatteiku n datte wakatteshimattayo.

Nee, oiteikanaide.

Ichi shougai, soitogerareru hodo no ai o, jibun ni sosoideagerarenakatta.

Jibun jishin o yurusenakatta. Tokoro ii, ‘‘ai’’ o shirazu ikiteita.

Itsu made mo nakami wa mijukude osanakatta.

Minna otona ni natteikukeredo, imada otona ni narenai jibun wa,

Zutto ushiro kara senaka bakari o oikaketsuzukete, oitsukenakute.

Doushite, doushite,, doushite,,, ikiteiru ndarou.

Kieteshimaitainoni, shindeshimaitainoni,

Tokubetsu inochi o tatsu koto mo nai. Daga, mare shi nenryo dake tsunotteiku.

Soredemo, ikiteitai nda.

Shiawase o nozondeshimatteita.

Small misfortunes piled up and nestled in my heart as a desire to die.

In the end, the cause is oneself. I call it 'amnesia'.

*You laugh at me for saying that, but you wouldn't understand at all.*
You don't know what it's like to be dying of self-loathing and lack of self-esteem.

Everything I do, everything I do, it all backfires. I cried with frustration more than ever.

And yet, I realized that I couldn't change myself. Sadly.

I thought I was doing the best I could, but this life is worthless and crowing.

All I could do was breathe somehow. I was no longer productive or anything.

I was just licking the possibilities.

I realized that the dreaminess was uncomfortable, uncomfortable.

My face through the mirror was cramped. All I do every day is shallow sleep.

Why am I still alive?

Even if I thought I was doing the same thing as others, I couldn't do anything at all,

Other people could easily do the same thing as me.

People tell me to work harder, but I'm still doing what I can.

Tell me, how can I do what you do?

Tomorrow and the day after tomorrow will be the same, every day will pass the same as yesterday.

And yet, I've realized that everything around me is changing.

Hey, don't leave me.

I couldn't give myself enough love to last a lifetime.

I couldn't forgive myself. I lived without knowing what is called *love*.

I was always immature and young inside.

Everyone else is growing up, but I am the one who still can't grow up,

I kept chasing after them from behind, but I couldn't catch up.

Why, why, why am I still alive?

I want to disappear, I want to die,

I don't want to take a special life. But I only have thoughts of dying.

But I still want to live.

I wanted to be happy.

**English translations by Lassyitude**

## External Links

### Official

* YouTube Music
* YouTube (original ver., album preview)
* NicoNico (original ver., album preview)
* Spotify
* Ameblo - Lyrics