Fake TPOT 39: Designing Objects/part 2

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   "**Designing Objects**" is the non-canon thirty-ninth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 7 November 1986. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known by many titles.

Next episode: "Another Voyage Home"

## Contest

### **Houses**

**Scene**Just a couple of interior views of the various houses in the area. The impression is given that they are all in the same room, but that's only because the houses are meant to look similar from the inside à la suburbia. It looks like the place where I lived in 2014.
#### House 7

[**Tennis Ball** *and* **Golf Ball** *enter their new house.*]

* **Golf Ball**: So this is what our place looks like.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Very nice. It sure beats living in that barn.
* **Golf Ball**: We never lived in a barn together!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I meant my childhood barn back in Minnesota. It was a housebarn.
* **Golf Ball**: Oh, that's right. Germans.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Yep.

#### House 9

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Well, this is a nice living situation!

[*Umtaya finds the piece of paper that Two had appended earlier on the wall.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Ooh, it's a message!

[*She takes the paper off the wall and reads it.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: "Dear contestants, your contest is..."

#### House 4

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: "A decorating contest. Make sure your house looks as habitable as passable (or, should I say, 'possible'), and a special guest will judge your home to see if you have done a good job."

#### House 1

* **Winner**: "If you don't do your work as well as the judge thinks you should have done, points will be deducted from your score. But if you do so perfectly, the number of points will remain the same."

#### House 3

* **P****i****n**: [*as Coiny looks on*] "You have twenty minutes, because that's the number you get when you multiply *me* by five and by me again."
* **Co****i****ny**: Now that's funny. Does it say "Go!" in big letters?
* **P****i****n**: Yep.
* **Co****i****ny**: Come on.
* **P****i****n**: Okay. [*about to go*]
* **Co****i****ny**: No, I meant the other thing.
* **P****i****n**: Oh, fine, if you say so. [*imitating Two*] Go!

[*Coiny laughs loudly as Pin puts the paper down.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: So we're going to have a special guest, huh? Wonder who it could be!
* **P****i****n**: You want to help me get our luggage from the back of the limo?
* **Co****i****ny**: Heck yeah!

### **Outside**

**Scene****Black Hole** floats outside his place (House 6) to see **Remote** get out of hers (House 5).
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hey.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hello.

[*Beat.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You know I can synthesize holographic furniture.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's neat.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Do you want me to fake stuff for you too?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, thank you, it wouldn't be true to my decorating style.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And what's that?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Minimalism.

[*Five runs through the scenery.*]

* **Five**: Fifteen minutes!

[*Enter* **Coiny** *and* **Pin**.]

* **P****i****n**: Fifteen minutes, already?
* **Five**: [*stops*] Well, yeah. We're running out of time because I drove here so slowly.
* **Co****i****ny**: You were breaking every speed limit in the country!
* **Five**: That's slow for me.

[*Five pats Coiny on the head.*]

* **P****i****n**: Never mind that, we'd better get our things out of the car.
* **Five**: Good luck, there's a crowd.

[*Five points to where they had parked the limousine—about half of the contestants are standing around it, trying to get their things.*]

### **Around the limousine**

**Scene**About half of the contestants are standing around where Five has parked the limousine, trying to get their things. They all speak at once. Enter **Coiny** and **Pin**.
* **Co****i****ny**: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on here?
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Hey, Coin Creature!
* **Golf Ball**: We are trying to separate our bags. Why did the majority of us buy the same brand?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: 'Cause they were half off.
* **Co****i****ny**: Heheh, I guess you can't go wrong if you have cases that stand out.

[*Coiny and Pin pick up their suitcases, which are a bright orange and red colour respectively.*]

* **P****i****n**: See you later, guys!

[*Exit* **Pin** *and* **Coiny**, *to the surprise of the others. Eventually, the crowd start all talking at once again, grab their belongings and* *leave. Enter* **Pen** *and* **Pencil**.]

* **P****en**: Where did everyone go?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I haven't the foggiest, but look. It's our sleeping bags!

[*Pencil reaches for the two sleeping bags in the back of the boot.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*giving Pen his bag*] This one's for you, my good man.
* **P****en**: Thanks, my dear chick.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hey, on the count of three, how 'bout we turn our bags over and see if we can use whatever's in it for the contest?
* **P****en**: Alright!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Remember, on the count of thr—
* **P****en**: One, two, three, go!

[*Pen shakes his bag. Pencil giggles at his impulsiveness and shakes hers, after which it becomes apparent that nothing in it. The two of them have essentially come to the set without their belongings.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Huh. You'd think I would have put *something* in this thing, considering I was never in it.
* **P****en**: Yeah. Hey! I have an idea!
* **P****e****nci****l**: We're not going out in public to beg for chiz, are we?
* **P****en**: Well, I do like the thought of going out in public. Why don't we go to the store?
* **P****e****nci****l**: But the nearest shop is possibly miles away! We've got twenty minutes, most likely... oh, gosh.
* **P****en**: Penc, baby... [*puts his hands on her shoulders*] We'll be fine. And I know just how we can get there.

[*Pen points at the front of the limousine.*]

* **P****en**: Eh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Awww, you're driving me there?
* **P****en**: No, I'm driving *us*. I'm coming with you, Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, there's a good one! [*punches his barrel*] We can actually buy things to use for the decorating contest and we might well have a chance of winning!
* **P****en**: I know, I'm so smart!

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene****Two** and **Match** are waiting for Ignis to come. Two is pacing around the room and Match is lying down on the coffee table at the side of the room.
* **Two**: Ugggh, what's taking him so long?
* **Ma****tch**: Relax, like, Two-dee-two, Ignis works long hours. He's a, like, pharaoh-crat.
* **Two**: You mean *bureaucrat*.
* **Ma****tch**: No.

[*Beat.*]

* **Two**: Well, I hope he doesn't know you're around.
* **Ma****tch**: Like, excuuuuse me? What is *that* supposed to mean?
* **Two**: Perhaps he's not showing up because he senses that you're in the hotel building. Rich people do that, you know.
* **Ma****tch**: You know what? I'll disguise myself.

[*Match goes to the front desk, takes an M&M from the candy bowl and puts it over her head.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, look at me! I'm someone I'm, like, not!

[*The piece of candy falls from her head.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Frick!
* **Two**: You could have just put the bowl over your head.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, that's, like, a much better idea! I'm going to—

[*Enter* **Ignis**.]

* **Two**: A-ha! You're finally here, Mr. Netbottle!
* **I****g****n****i****s**: Good afternoon, Two... [*notices Match*] And good after-bye.
* **Two**: [*Aside.*] Stupid joke, really.
* **Ma****tch**: Hi, Igloo! Get it? Because Two calls the washroom a, like, *loo*. A-*byoink!*
* **I****g****n****i****s**: Match, you shouldn't be here. This is solely an exchange between the owner of this building and me, as pharaoh-crat.
* **Ma****tch**: [*elbowing Two*] Told you.
* **Two**: *Match*? So your name's *not* Secondary Exix!
* **Ma****tch**: Nope! You are speaking to Match Anastasia Achsah Zapalka, and I am, like, super amazing! [*puts her arms up*]
* **I****g****n****i****s**: This is too embarrassing for me. I will have to come back another time.
* **Two**: No, wait, please don't do that! I had to teleport here with this person whose name I didn't even know until a few seconds ago on top of me, and she won't even leave!
* **I****g****n****i****s**: Why, you... [*sigh*] I should be fairer here and stop making a fuss about personal things.

[*He walks around, looking at the building.*]

* **I****g****n****i****s**: After all, I am here as an inspector, not as your date. Please step aside while I search your hotel to see if everything is ready for transfer.
* **Ma****tch**: [*jumping up and down*] Eeeeee, this is so, like, exciting! He's inspecting something that's not, like, me.
* **Two**: Mm-hmm. /s

### **Outside Lawl-Mart**

**Scene**A rather quiet and musicless scene. View of a supermarket in the middle of the rural village to which Two and Five's Place is geographically connected. People can be seen walking through the doors to do their shopping. Two's limousine pulls up, looking very different from any other vehicle in the area. We see that inside the car are **Pencil** and **Pen** (who is wearing those Ray-Ban sunglasses that were popular back then).
* **P****e****nci****l**: Nice driving, Grand Prixster.
* **P****en**: *Grazie mille.*

[*Pen gets out of the driver's seat, stands outside Pencil's door and opens it for her.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I can get out on my own, mate! What do you think these arms are for, tending the maize fields?

[*Pencil jumps out of the limousine.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Also, it drizzles a lot during these months, so you don't need those sunnies.
* **P****en**: Aww, you don't think they look hip on me?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well... [*looks at him*] Oh, you can keep them on, you lovable fop. Just don't act like an A-list celebrity when you're a Z-lister who stands out here as it is.
* **P****en**: You can be so frank.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I know. Now walk with me.
* **P****en**: Okay!

### **Inside Lawl-Mart**

**Scene**Pencil and Pen go inside the store and marvel at how many things there are inside.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Whoa...
* **P****en**: This place is *awesome!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's like nothing I've ever seen.
* **P****en**: Wait, Penc, you've never been to a Lawl-Mart before?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Not one of this size!
* **P****en**: To be honest, I haven't been in one either. We grew up on Petro.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, but I suppose that's one of the advantages of an ever-industrializing society: even the remotest village gets its own huge building full of things you don't need. So how about we head towards the party supplies section?
* **P****en**: You remembered!
* **P****e****nci****l**: How could I not? All you talked about in the car was how you want there to be a party whenever someone enters our place! Come on, darling, let's find the aisle before someone spots us.

[*Pencil squeezes Pen's hand as they walk through the store together. Someone gasps very loudly, so they stop and turn around to see* **Paparazzi Cam**.]

* **Pa****pa****ra****zz****i** **C****am**: Gasp! Again! It is you!
* **P****en**: [*Aside, excited.*] By golly, he knows who we are.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And who might you be, stranger?
* **Pa****pa****ra****zz****i** **C****am**: You're Pencil and Pen! From *The Power of Two!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*agitated*] I beg your pardon? No, no, no, that's absurd in so many ways, sir; I'm afraid you're confusing us. Severely.
* **Pa****pa****ra****zz****i** **C****am**: No, I am not! As one of the biggest TPOT fans in the world, I am determined to get all the info on every contestant, no matter where they are, no matter how much privacy they need! So, Pencil, Pen, how—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, I just said that ain't us!
* **P****en**: Well...

[*Pencil elbows Pen.*]

* **P****en**: Um, we just happen to look like those two people we *don't* know. We're called Exix, as a matter of fact.
* **Pa****pa****ra****zz****i** **C****am**: Both of you?

[*Pencil and Pen look at each other.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, it's the new trend in the West to look like and take the names of our favourite Z-list celebrities. Only yesterday this bloke decided to look like a cross between the Announcer and an Orange Computer.

[*As this goes on,* **Remote** *and* **Black Hole** *enter the supermarket.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's a good thing you followed the limo.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I figured it would somehow end up here.

[*Remote points at Paparazzi Cam.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh, look, it's those two.
* **Pa****pa****ra****zz****i** **C****am**: Even if you're not the real Pen and Pencil, I'll take unsolicited pictures of you anyway, because you look so much like them. That's how you get the views, you know...
* **P****en**: In that case, take as many shots as you need, man! [*poses*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'll do the shopping then, bye.

[**Pencil** *goes into the party supplies section in a huff.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wow.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wait. Remote, You can synthesize comforts, and I don't care much for earthly furniture items. So what are we doing here?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I just wanted to see the town.

### **Houses**

**Scene**Back at the Place, at Price Tag's new house (House 4). They have decorated their place with posters of all the popular singers and bands they know (with the price tags still attached to them): Vhäm!, Mud-on-a, The Spangles, Mombasa Sound Machine *etc.* Enter **Winner**.
* **Winner**: Hi, Taggy.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: What's up, Winner?
* **Winner**: Just wanted to see what your place looks like. [*looks at the posters*] Wow, you're living in a material world.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Thanks. Good thing I consider that a compliment!
* **Winner**: Yeah, heheh. I've got my trophy collection all set up if you'd like to have a look.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Great. But I just had a question about—

[*Enter* **Five**.]

* **Five**: You have a question, you say?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, I do. Wait... how could you hear that?
* **Five**: Algebralien acoustics. The same reason I can hear you from the other side of the Cake at Stake place.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Ò! Anyway, Five, I'd like to know more about this special guest that's judging our homes.
* **Five**: If that is so, Price Tag, please exit the room. This is meant to be a surprise for everyone. Everyone except Winner.
* **Winner**: [*confused*] Me?
* **Five**: Yes.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: But I'm the one with the question! And this is *my* house!
* **Five**: I'm sorry, but this is just between the two of us.

[*Exit* **Price Tag***.*]

* **Winner**: So what's the announcement?
* **Five**: Do you know who will be judging you guys' homes?
* **Winner**: No. Who is it?
* **Five**: Are you familiar with some person named Loser K. Verlier?

[*Winner pogs.*]

* **Winner**: [*excited*] Yes, I know him! Back in Berlin we were a duo. We performed together, toured together, chuzz, we even ate chicken nuggets together.

[*Five looks up as if Winner has just done a déjà vu moment.*]

* **Winner**: Now are you sure this is Loser we're talking about?
* **Five**: As true as Ferris Wheel Bueller had his day off. In fact, he's flying here as we speak. [*View of Loser travelling to the TPOT set on his flying bicycle.*]
* **Winner**: That's, that's amazing!
* **Five**: So yeah, that's all I wanted to tell you personally. Don't tell anyone about this, even when Loser is here.
* **Winner**: But if he's here, then the secret's already out by default.

[*Five puts his hands over his ears.*]

* **Five**: [*going*] ♫ La-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you! ♫
* **Winner**: We know you can sing, thank you!

[*Exit* **Five**, *dancing.*]

* **Winner**: [*nemini loquitur*] Wow. Loser and I get to reunite after... I don't even know how long. Seems almost too good to be true; I might as well pinch myself.

[*Winner makes rare use of their arm to pinch their cheeks.*]

* **Winner**: Mm, that felt better than it hurt!

[*Enter* **Price Tag**.]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: What was that about? Five's singing and dancing so intensely I thought they were reënacting a Pet Shop Objects concert.
* **Winner**: I have no clue.

### **Inside Lawl-Mart**

**Scene****Black Hole** and **Remote** are still at the store. Black Hole has a number of books orbiting around him, and Remote is holding an ice cream.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I can't believe you got all those self-help books instead of those really nice-looking plastic ripoff chairs. Those could really help you win the contest.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Those things I should like to have, but these books, I need. I'm of the opinion, that everyone's got to improve somehow.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So true. Oh, don't forget to pay.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: There's no need.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Black Hole, this is a retail store. Death prevention vouchers aren't valid here; I checked.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, but you get a 100% discount on anything here, if you're an active TPOT contestant. Haven't you read the sign?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Was it in fine print?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Mm-hmm.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Then nope.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's why.

[**Black Hole** *floats off.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And now to...

[*Remote looks at Pen, who is still being photographed by Paparazzi Cam. He is now surrounded by a crowd of onlookers.*]

* **P****en**: [*in the background*] Eyy, what's that? You look as great as I do!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Whoa. He's changed, and yet he hasn't changed.

[*Exit* **Remote**. *At the same time, enter* **Pencil**, *carrying a huge stack of party supplies.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Got the things.
* **P****en**: [*poses*] Not now, dear, I'm in my moment! [*to someone in the crowd*] I bet you can win any contest in the world!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What the frick is this codswallop?
* **P****en**: Penc, I made a deal with all these people. They can take five photos of me and get a nice compliment in return! Didn't you hear me earlier?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, I was too busy raiding the party supplies section like an all-you-can-eat buffet.
* **P****en**: [*to a photographer*] Y'know, you are absolutely what best buddies are made of! [*poses*]
* **Pa****pa****ra****zz****i** **C****am**: Wow at this Exix guy; he's amazing! My obsession with long-running game show contestants has been eclipsed by my love for boring average people like him!

[*Soni exspectati from the crowd. Pen stops posing.*]

* **P****en**: Eh?
* **Pa****pa****ra****zz****i** **C****am**: Yep, I've already a title for the tabloids: "Pen look-alike friendlier than the real thing!"
* **P****en**: What'd you say?
* **Pa****pa****ra****zz****i** **C****am**: "And hotter, too!"
* **P****en**: [*offended*] Okay, I'm outta here. C'mon, Penc.

[*Exit* **Pen**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*running after him*] Wait, what was that?

[*Exit* **Pencil**, *hastily.*]

* **Pa****pa****ra****zz****i** **C****am**: "Has-been? More like has-Pen!" [*The crowd laughs.*]

### **Outside Lawl-Mart**

**Scene****Pen** walks out of the store, a bit dejected. He is soon joined by **Pencil**.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oof, it's a good thing we contestants don't have to pay for all this stuff.
* **P****en**: Yeah.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're not upset, are you?
* **P****en**: Mmh. Just annoyed, that's all. That guy was so much more interested with some name I made up on the spot than with the real me. How d'you think that makes me feel?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Deranged?
* **P****en**: That's for sure. [*smiles a bit*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: So I suppose you've learnt your lesson about talking to strangers with cameras, huh.
* **P****en**: Gladly. But you know, I'd love to pre-order that magazine and see how my pics turned out.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Babe...
* **P****en**: Look out, *Playlass*, there's a new "Pen-up boy" in town! And he was shot... at Lawl-Mart!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*teases his cap*] Just help me with the groceries, Lawl-Mart boy.
* **P****en**: A'ight.

[*Exeunt both, laughing.*]

## End of the contest

### **Houses**

**Scene**The decorating part of the contest is over and the judging part is on. We can see **Loser**, (wearing platform shoes) standing in front of House 3, with the other contestants (except Winner) around him, possibly spellbound.
#### Outside

* **L****ose****r**: *Toll!* You have a really nice place, Price Tag!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Aw, you liked it?
* **L****ose****r**: It was an experience.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Okay, I just want to say that of the whole cast, I'm the only one who's kept the hippie ideal; the rest of them are stuck in the eighties.
* **Five**: I'm sure they are, Taggy. Now, since we're going counterclockwise, we will now enter Coiny and Pin's house.
* **Co****i****ny**: Ooh, this is going to be so exciting!
* **L****ose****r**: Open the door, please?
* **P****i****n**: You got it!

[**Pin** *opens the door to her and Coiny's new house as the contestants begin to enter.*]

* **P****i****n**: Just take off your shoes when you come in.
* **L****ose****r**: Okay, I will stand *auf Zehenspitzen!*
* **P****i****n**: What does that mean?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: On his tiptoes.

[**Pin** *closes the door. Enter* **Pencil** *and* **Pen**, *who have just got out of the limousine. They are carrying the party supplies from earlier.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay... [*points at House 2*] *This* is our place.
* **P****en**: It's hard to tell 'cause they all look the same.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That they do. Could you please help with the decorations, love?
* **P****en**: Sure, I'll even give the tour!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Good, 'cos you're the nice one. I might lash out if somebody gives me the critical eye.

[**Pencil** *hurries inside.* **Winner** *pops their head out of the house right next to theirs.*]

* **Winner**: *Psst! Hi!*
* **P****en**: Hi, Winner!
* **Winner**: You know Loser's coming over to judge your place, right?
* **P****en**: Really? Gee, that's terrific! I remember this one time when we were cycling together and he was like—

[*Pencil pulls* **Pen** *into the house to help her decorate quickly.* **Winner** *wipes a bit of sweat off their brow and goes back inside. All the other contestants* *leave House 3, surrounding* **Loser**.]

* **Co****i****ny**: So did you like our house?
* **L****ose****r**: I'll let you know after everyone's been judged, Coiny. [*winks*]
* **Co****i****ny**: Cheeuh, I can't wait!
* **Five**: And that moment had better come soon, because we're down to the last two houses, the first of which is that of Pencil and Pen.
* **L****ose****r**: Oh, Pen! I remember him. Why, there was this one time when we were cycling together and he was—
* **Five**: Hurry up.
* **P****i****n**: Five, you shouldn't talk to Loser like that!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: He was practically a star only two decades ago.
* **Five**: You're right, I apologize profusely, Loser. I might as well fall onto the ground and lick the saliva you exude when you let your beautiful voice speak.

[*Beat, as everyone looks at Five strangely.*]

* **L****ose****r**: This isn't 1969. I'm a regular person now.

#### House 2

[**Pencil** *and* **Pen** *both quickly apply decorations to the walls. It clashes a lot; for example, some Christmas ornaments are placed between wedding balloons. Because they have so little time left, the end result looks a little sloppy.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Come on, make haste, not waste! [*pointing at the pile of decorations on the floor*]
* **P****en**: Penc, I'm going as fast as I can!

[*Two knocks on the door.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: A knock!
* **P****en**: No, really? I thought it was Bonfire Jovi playing outside our door. /s

[*Pen opens the door while Pencil takes a sip from a water bottle.* **Loser** *and everyone else are on the other side.*]

* **L****ose****r**: Heeeeelooooo.
* **P****en**: Loser, oh, hi!
* **L****ose****r**: *Hallo, Herr* Schreiber.
* **P****en**: I see you brought your pals along.
* **Five**: [*from the back of the crowd*] *We are here for your Judgement Day!*
* **P****en**: Oh! Well, come on in and I'll show you around, gang. Just take off your shoes when you get inside. [*points at Loser's shoes*]
* **L****ose****r**: Are you into the Vietnamese culture as well?
* **P****en**: Nah, I just like to be the tallest guy in the room.

[*Pencil rolls her eyes as she takes another sip. Loser and the others come inside, curiously looking at the various party decorations.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Looks like Muharram and Ugandan Independence Day at the same time.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's because it is; we bought practically everything in that aisle at the shop. [*takes a sip*]
* **P****en**: Oh! I forgot. This is Pencil, my girlfriend. She's awesome.

[*Pencil does a spit-take.*]

* **L****ose****r**: That's all for the tour. Thank you for letting us into your home; we know that you're still busy decorating and that such things take a lot of time...
* **Five**: But this throwy-aroundy-ness *will* have an impact on your points. You know that, right?
* **P****en**: You betcha!
* **Five**: Okay, it's time to go.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Goodbye, you camera-ready writing stick.
* **P****en**: Bye!

[*Exeunt omnes. Manent* **Pencil** *and* **Pen**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*walking over to him*] You called me your girlfriend. Seven bloody months and you finally call me your girlfriend.
* **P****en**: I'm sorry?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't be. [*plays with his cap*] Methinks you deserve something special for that.
* **P****en**: But, um... shouldn't we go and watch the contest?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I reckon it can go on without us, you smooth-talking writing stick.

[*She raises an eyebrow, puts her arms around him and kisses him long.*]

* **P****en**: Mercy...

#### House 1

[*Winner dusts their glass menagerie when they get a knock on the door.*]

* **Winner**: Ah!

[*They open it to see the crowd as usual. Winner pogs as they have not seen their friend in forever.*]

* **L****ose****r**: Winner!
* **Winner**: Loser!

[*Embrace.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Aww, that's so sweet.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: It's the power of friendship.
* **Winner**: Please, please, come in! I want to show you what I've done to make my house look beaut!
* **L****ose****r**: Of course!
* **Winner**: And that goes for the rest of you as well.

[*Enter* **Loser** *with all the others.*]

* **L****ose****r**: Say, this place looks really comfortable, Winner!
* **Winner**: Thank you. I've even got half of the only trophy I've ever won.
* **L****ose****r**: Goodbye.
* **Winner**: Wait, you can't leave now! [*to Five*] Can he? He didn't even tell me what he thinks.
* **L****ose****r**: I'll let you know later, comrade, I promise! But at the moment, I have the feeling that someone is using their algebralien powers on me to speed up the judging process.

[*Everyone turns around to look at Five.*]

* **Five**: What? This episode is getting long as it is.

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **Winner**: Well, if you're leaving now, I just wanted to say it was nice seeing you again. Verlier.
* **L****ose****r**: Right back at you, Semyonoff.

[*Exeunt omnes. Winner is about to go, but they stop.*]

* **Winner**: Oh no, I forgot!

## Post-contest

[*Everyone regroups outside as Five conjures up the scoreboard from previous episodes.*]

* **Five**: Attention contestants! These, as you can see, are your scores. [*to Loser*] These are the contestants' scores.
* **L****ose****r**: That's right.
* **Five**: Now, Loser, from best to worst, whose houses did you find the best? I will take the list you provide me and convert it into ranks, through which the number of points will be deducted accordingly from each contestant, so that the inhabitants of the highest-ranked house will lose 2.5 points, those of the second-ranked 5 and so on. We're going by multiples of 2.5, so to speak, whose digits together are my host's and my favourites, if you know what I mean.
* **Golf Ball**: Hurry up!
* **Five**: Okay.
* **L****ose****r**: From best to worst, the order of home-decorators is: Tennis Ball—
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Yes!
* **L****ose****r**: Who lives with Golf Ball, and then Liy, Umtaya, Pencil and Pen, Winner, Coiny and Pin, Black Hole, Remote, and Price Tag.
* **Five**: Thanks for that.

[*Five claps and the positions of the names and the points on the scoreboard change. Everyone gasps.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: What? My house is the worst-decorated? But I'm a self-proclaimed hippie like you!
* **L****ose****r**: Don't think of it as a bad thing, my friend. In my humble opinion, no one has decorated their home terribly; in fact, you have all done an amazing job. You should be proud of yourselves.
* **Everyone**: Yay!
* **Golf Ball**: We thank you for putting us in first place, Loser, but why were we deducted points even though our house was the best?
* **L****ose****r**: Because I would only keep your number of points intact if your interior design skills were perfect, and nobody's perfect but me.

[**Loser** *jumps on his bicycle and flies into the air.*]

* **L****ose****r**: Goodbye, everyone!
* **Everyone**: Goodbye, Loser!

[*Soni exspectati. Enter* **Pen** *and* **Pencil**, *in good spirits.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What'd we miss?

### **Voting screen**

**Scene****Five** stands in front of the voting screen, with the pictures of Coiny, Winner, Liy and Pen behind them. The words "Vote to save!" are written in large letters to remind the viewers to go back to the old voting format.
* **Five**: Uh... Two's not here, so I have to do this by myself. [*Aloud.*] Um... this time, don't vote for whom you want to eliminate! Just vote for the one you want to *stay* in the game, and don't forget to put his, her or their designated letter in square brackets! The person who gets the fewest votes... will be eliminated!

[*Roll credits as the instrumental to "I Know a Place" plays.*]

## Stinger

### **Houses**

**Scene**Night. The contestants all sit outside, talking to one another. **Winner** sits alone and looks at a small photo when they notice a strange mechanical noise from above.
* **Winner**: What's that?

[*Winner looks up to see that* **Loser** *is still there. He is sitting on his flying bicycle, but at the moment it is merely hovering in the sky.*]

* **L****ose****r**: Don't mind me, the Loser-Cycle just needs some fuel!
* **Winner**: Wait, what exactly does that thing run on?
* **L****ose****r**: Self-assurance, and loads of it.

[*Loser jumps down from his bike.*]

* **Winner**: Hey, *du*. That being the—
* **[** **Winner** · **L****ose****r** **]**: Only way **[** you · I **]** address people.
* **Winner**: Yes, you always say that!

[*They high-five.*]

* **L****ose****r**: What's this? [*points at the picture*]
* **Winner**: Oh, just an old pic of us from our days as *Kabarettisten*.
* **L****ose****r**: Those were good times, for sure. Maybe I could... Winner, is it okay if we take turns with the photograph? As I grow older and am no longer in the competition, my past is slowly slipping away from me, and I'd really like to...
* **Winner**: Listen, I know you can't change my score, but I wanted to put this up in the middle of my house to show you what a good mate you've been to me.
* **L****ose****r**: [*honoured*] You were?
* **Winner**: But... now that I see you again, and right before you're about to leave... I think you should have this. Full-time.

[*Winner shows Loser—and thus us—a close up of the picture: it is in black and white and visibly comes from the 1950s. In it, Winner is wearing their military uniform, while Loser is standing next to them, dressed in a dinner jacket. They both smile at the camera.*]

* **L****ose****r**: It's beautiful. Do you really mean it?
* **Winner**: I sure do.

[*Fade to black.*]

### **Hotel**

**Scene**Even later at night. **Two** and **Match** are sleeping in a darkened lobby with only the moon to provide them with light.
* **Ma****tch**: [*snoring*] *Khhhhh...* [*high-pitched*] Me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me... *Khhhhhh...* Not-you-not-you-not-you-not-you...

[*A pair of menacing white eyes appear in the darkness, but it turns out they belong to* **Ignis**.]

* **I****g****n****i****s**: Alright, you two—

[*Match and Two jolt up.*]

* **Ma****tch**: [*gasp*] Man!
* **Two**: My name!
* **I****g****n****i****s**: You have successfully packed everything from this building and passed inspection. Somehow.
* **Two**: Brilliant! So are you going to give this hotel to someone else now?
* **I****g****n****i****s**: In about five minutes, yes.
* **Two**: Oh.
* **I****g****n****i****s**: But there's one thing that perplexes me. This is a hotel where neither electricity nor appliances run until midnight. It should be dead silent in here. What's with the background noise?
* **Two**: What noise?
* **I****g****n****i****s**: You know, the... [*imitating the hum*] *Zzzzzzzzzzz...*
* **Two**: Oh, that's my Filing Cabinet! I must have got so used to the sound that I hardly noticed it was still in use! Yes, that part of the building holds all the eliminated contestants and set intruders.
* **I****g****n****i****s**: I know. Match told me all about it. [*Match gives Two a chiz-eating grin.*] Well, you can't have that here.
* **Two**: I'm aware of that, yes, but...
* **I****g****n****i****s**: In my life, I have run numerous defunct businesses and you know what they always say in the end? "Everything must go!" The same applies here, so in the next five minutes, I order you to get rid of everyone in the Filing Cabinet to make room for the new owners of this building.
* **Ma****tch**: [*echoing him*] —s building.
* **Two**: But where will they live?
* **I****g****n****i****s**: That's not for me to decide.

[**Ignis** *walks out of the hotel and checks his watch to wait for the newcomers.*]

* **Ma****tch**: So now we have to, like, liberate everybody living in the, like, Filing Cabinet?
* **Two**: I think we shall. Oh, poop.

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

* The entire Cake at Stake scene was going to be written out much better than it is right now. Due to a power outage, my saved work on the Notepad file disappeared and I had to recreate the scene from memory, which made it turn out worse than it would have been if I'd only saved!
* There was going to be a longer phone scene with Five talking to Two.
* And many more. I was juggling a trillion and one things while writing this; I didn't have time to save all my deleted thoughts.

## Notes

1. ↑ I don't know how to describe floor plans. I can't just say "It looks like the place where I used to live in 2014" because none of you would know what I meant, but I'll say it anyway.

**Fake TPOT** [V]