337: The First Time Batthwack EVER Got It

## Summary

In the library, "King" Batthwack and his valet "Valencio" (aka Will) talk privately and try to decide whether they trust Trofast enough to let him in on their plan to fake Batthwack's death. Ultimately, with the help of *Detect Thoughts* and *Zone of Truth* spells, his loyalty seems assured and they discuss how to locate Batthwack's allies and infiltrate Gully's End. Meanwhile at *Millings Goods & Sundry* store, Rosco and Sheemie are ambushed by Millings and a squad of town guards who think Rosco is the thief.

## Synopsis

At the library, Batthwack urges the kneeling Trofast to his feet, saying, *"Get up Trofast. The world's about to change."* Batthwack asks that he stop referring to him as king and reassures him that they're going to Gully's End. He and "Valencio" (the name Batthwack gives when referring to Will, his "valet") go over into a corner of the library to talk privately.

Batthwack suggests they need to be smart about how to handle this situation. He says he'll keep up the pretence and act as kingly as possible, a suggestion which Will can't help but poke fun at, and Will agrees to keep up appearances as Batthwack's valet. They know what they need to do: Get into Gully's End unnoticed, and defeat Zantras, in other words remove another splinter of dark power from the world. But should they trust Trofast with the plan? He could be a useful ally if he's who he says he is, but he's not the same Trofast that Batthwack knew (and he thinks Batthwack is king, which he isn't) so what else is different? Batthwack's also concerned that they'll get drawn into a conflict involving Juliette Rusher, who wants the throne for herself, and might that result in the dystopian vision of Gully's End burning?

Batthwack feels ready to raise an army and fight, and even mentions recruiting his old brothers-in-arms, Kivash and Gesh. He's very worried about the consequences of losing though, especially with his family involved. The original plan was to fake Batthwack's death, but that raises another question. How might Batthwack's wife, Altiyde, react when she finds out? Will suggests that the less she knows the better; her grief will help sell the lie. For a moment, Batthwack even wonders if removing Zantras is the right thing to do. If the world reverts to normal and it turns out that his family are no longer alive, then he'd rather live in this reality. Will is only half joking when he says, *"A world with Tivoli is better than a world without Tivoli,"* but also points out that they don't really have any choice, and anyway, it's hopeless second-guessing what's going to change as so much of this world is different.

The question remains, can they trust Trofast with their secret plan? This dwarf seems tough enough that he won't cave in the moment he gets captured and tortured. Will suggests pretending he has some kind of spell that'll make Trofast's organs disintegrate if he betrays them. He says he's used to manipulating people, even those in positions of superiority.

They return to Trofast and fill him in on their plan to fake the king's death in a very public way, before placing the body onto a ship and sailing back to Gully's End for his internment. Trofast wonders if they'd been intending to use the cruise ship, and it dawns on Will that it does have rather apt decorations for a funeral at the moment.

When Batthwack asks about other trusted loyalists who they could call on for help, Trofast also mentions Kivash and Gesh, which is reassuring to Batthwack. Trofast says they're lying low too, but doesn't know where they are, so he'll have to try and track them down. He says Batthwack has supporters, but they're scattered and ununified. They wonder how to inspire everyone and bring them together, and Will suggests inventing a prophecy stating that the king can be resurrected at some kind of holy land. *"I'm sure there's something like that in Gully's End, right? Waterfall palace?"* Batthwack's a little shocked; there are waterfalls in Gully's End and their kings are buried in a special place up on the cliffside.

Will makes it clear to Trofast that there will be consequences if he betrays them, but Trofast is insistent that they don't need to worry about him. Will casts *Detect Thoughts* and Batthwack casts *Zone of Truth*, to verify Trofast's claims. Trofast makes no attempt to resist either spell, which allows Will to see that Trofast is being truthful about what he says. Batthwack dispels the *Zone of Truth*; Trofast simply succumbing to the spell was enough for him to feel that this is an entirely open and honest person. They all set to nailing down the finer details of their plan.

Meanwhile across town on the other side of the river, Rosco and Sheemie knock on the door of *Millings Goods & Sundry*. An old halfling man answers the door, the spitting image of the thief they'd encountered on the road earlier. This must be Millings. He screams *"There! There they are!"* and uniformed guards burst out of hiding to sound of whistles. Rosco and Sheemie are surrounded. *"I knew you'd be back for more!"* says the old man. Rosco hurriedly tries to explain that they encountered the real thief outside of town and are just returning the stolen wagon. Millings isn't prepared to listen to Rosco's protests of innocence. *"He's a master of disguise! Apprehend him!"* screeches Millings as the guards close in.

## Quotes

* Adam: *"Are you going to draw her like one of your Tivoli girls?"*

## Trivia

* The episode title is quote from Eric. Batthwack and Will are discussing whether they should entrust Trofast with their secret plan. Will: *"Is there any kind of spell we can cast on him, that if he gives away the secret, his fucking organs desiccate painfully as he still lives?"* Batthwack: *"Don't you have spells like that Will?"* Will says he absolutely does, so of course, a Deception check from KT is required. Despite Will's huge bonus to Deception, thanks to a very low roll (3), Batthwack is actually able to spot the lie, so Will quickly changes tack: *"Batthwack, I'm just just... play along! He'll think I have a spell like that."* Batthwack: *" Oh! Got it. OH!"* Abby notes the profound recognition in Batthwack's voice. Abby: *"Wow! The first time Batthwack ever got it."*
* The IKEA Trofast range! https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/cat/trofast-toy-storage-series-19027/

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ Batthwack saw the image of Gully's End burning in the Locked Book (see episode 284: Tusk Me In the Dick), but later appeared to have forgotten all about it (see episode 316: God Say What?), impossible as that seemed. Alex confirms in the post-game chat to this episode that the reason Batthwack couldn't remember the image was that this was the memory he had chosen to forget when passing through the magical doors in Savnok's butte head (see episode 298: AS YOU FIIIIISH).
2. ↑ See episode 331: Suck on THAT, MAUVE! Will had positively identified the wagon thief as Runcible Jones, known to be a goblin, so it's presumed that Jones had been disguised as store-owner Millings at the time. The players also theorised that Runcible Jones could in fact be none other than legendary thief Ricardo Ulysses.