Birds and Bees

## Bio

**Birds and Bees** is a monologue delivered by Benny Hill on March 11, 1970.

## Lyrics

I'd reached the age of fourteen, and I hadn't started courting,

And my mum was getting worried about me.

She said, "Dad, it's time you told him all about the birds and bees,"

He said, "The birds and bees," and he sat me on his knee.

He said, "Now, remember Uncle Joe and that picnic a while ago, and how he went off into the woods with Auntie Pat?

"And how I chased O'Reily's daughter and what happened when I caught her?"

I said, "Yeah," he said, "Well birds and bees does that."

Dad works very hard indeed, well he got ten kids to feed.

Well, ten and seven ninths to be precise.

And we all wear hand-me-downs, and as I am the youngest, and the others are all girls ain't very nice.

Dad said, "It's time that you got wed," I said, "I'd rather drop down dead,"

He said, "Now how about old Maude from Ikely Down?"

I said, "Maude? Not bloody like, she's been out by half the chaps in Ikely,"

He said, "Well Ikely's really quite a little town."

He said, "You've got to get a wife, you can't go on enjoying life,

"Or folks with think you're strange and start to frown."

I said to him, "Look, why should I buy a book? When there's a thriving, lending library in the town."

One day I found a friend, he was up by Badger's End,

A little pigeon fell down by my feet.

His feathers was flecked with red,

And at first I thought he was dead,

Then I knelt and I felt his little heart still beat.

I cupped him in my hands, and I ran home to my mom,

And she said, "Son, I'm as proud of you as I can be.

"You're thoughtful and you're kind, and you've got a gentle mind, and that will do a treat for your old father's tea.

I said, "You shall not touch my bird," and without another word,

I took him in my room and I shut the door,

And then I bathed and I warmed him and I nursed him back to health,

'Cause you see, I'd never really had a friend before.

I taught him little tricks, like playing dead and picking up sticks,

And the village girls, they brought bird seed every day.

"Dad, you can't come in," I'd shout, "Or my birdie will fly out,"

But, of course, I let the village girls all stay.

Well, there was Mable from the stable, and Mary from the dairy,

We had a visit by our beauty queen.

And that great Big Betty Mavery, and she's got her own avery.

She's got the biggest parakeets I've ever seen.

Dad said, "You ought to let him go,"

And Mum, she said, "Oh no, you just want to get some shooting practice in."

But the vicar said, "My son, it really isn't done to lock up a wild thing, that's a sin."

One morning, when it was all still, I took him up to Badger's Hill,

I lost the only little friend I had that day.

Not a word I said, I just kissed his little head,

And I opened my hands and I watched him fly away.

He circled up and 'round, and then he settled on the ground,

And off he went straight up to the sky.

And then I looked and I could see he was flying back to me,

And then he swooped and he pooped right in my eye.

I thought, "That's bloody rude!" and "Coor, there's gratitude!"

And, "I hope they never cross a pigeon with a cow!"

And Dad said, "Here, there's I see a caper, I'll go get a bit of paper."

I said, "Don't be daft, he's miles away by now!"

Dad said, "I know you lost a friend, but it's really not the end,

"You'll be married and have a family of your own quite soon."

Well I never said a word, but you see, that little bird had lured eighteen little ravers up to my room!

So if anyone's got a spare cockatoo or an old crow they don't want,

I'd be very much obliged because, you know, I could put them to good use.