324: Hippopollinators

## Summary

Will rescues Batthwack from a scarecrow pile-on using his *Dimension Door* and scolds the paladin for not being the ass-kicker that he knows he is. While the others do their best to keep the hordes of scarecrows at bay, Batthwack flies towards the burning barn and a terrible sight meets his eyes: behind them, a giant scarecrow marches slowly and relentlessly towards the inn.

## Synopsis

The rain continues to lash down as Will *Flies* over to Batthwack and casts *Dimension Door* directly beneath the prone dragonborn surrounded by scarecrows. He's face down on the ground, so when the door appears underneath him, he gets a glimpse of an image carved into it, depicting a beat-up guy facing a long drop, held by thugs and being watched by Will and his brother, Curtis. Will pushes Batthwack through at speed and they burst of the upright exit door together 20 feet in the air. Will scolds Batthwack for messing up with his flail earlier. *"You gotta be better at fighting right now, because you can't let those little girls die because they think you're a big tough king!"*

Down on solid ground Rosco stows his quarterstaff inside his coat and from the other side pulls out *Treebane*, the legendary battleaxe. Despite his distrust of this *"slayer of the natural world"*, Rosco's face hardens and he swings the axe valiantly, slicing through 2 scarecrows in one horizontal swing. He follows it up with a casting of *Balm of the Summer Court*, healing Batthwack who had just materialised flying overhead.

   From his higher vantage point, Batthwack can see the flames over by the barn. He spins the flail and casts *Searing Smite*, knocking the head off and igniting one scarecrow, and burning another next to it. With his next swing, a third scarecrow is flung into the air before being slammed down into the ground, disintegrated. A quick look around the battlefield using his *Robe of Eyes* reveals that none of the party are in immediate danger, so he swoops over on top of the inn to get a better view of the flames behind it. The stable is fully ablaze and nearby, a giant scarecrow, almost as tall as the stable itself, is lumbering towards the inn, tendrils of smoke billowing from its mouth. He calls out, *"Everyone! This way!"* but the sound is completely lost in the wind and no-one can hear him.

Scarecrows pile onto Sin and Rosco. Sin switches to his falchion and cuts them down before crying *"Lachrymose, I'm coming!"* and dashing off towards the barn and the sound of the scared whinnying. Raphina, standing guard at the doorway of the inn, casts *Sacred Flame* and takes aim at a scarecrow immediately behind Rosco.

## Quotes

* Rosco: *"Guys, we got more scarecrows, they're moving around magically, they're like cursed. It's like the Curse of Straw-d."* Eric: *"Adam, you've hit your quota tonight."*

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from Abby. KT was complaining that they'd thought the heavy rain was Eric's attempt to limit use of fire against the scarecrows, but then the stable caught fire. *"What kind of horseshit is this, Eric? I'm sorry I meant hippopotamus-shit."* Eric and KT explained that this was an private joke of theirs. *"If you wanted to pick an animal where the poop is grosser and... wild, it's a hippopotamus!"* They reference the many videos that are available for the over-curious among us. As Eric points out, this is normal behaviour for hippos. Abby (or was it Raphina) suggests *"Well that's how they pollinate! I didn't know they were pollinators. Hippopollinators!"*
* Bobby "Boris" Pickett performing *Monster Mash* on *American Bandstand* (October 13, 1964): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNuVifA7DSU
* Pow! Burger: https://www.pow-burger.com/
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: intelligent.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured Adam doing a recap to the tune of *Monster Mash* by Bobby "Boris" Pickett:

*[Verse 1]*

We were gambling in the inn, late one night

When our dice betrayed an eerie sight

For a warning from the cubes, reached our eyes

And suddenly to our surprise

*[Chorus]*

(They said "They're here.") They said someone was here

(But who was here?) We just had no idea!

(We're full of fear!) So out the window we peer...

(It's still not clear!) Who the fuck is here??

*[Verse 2]*

From the window Rosco tried to sliver its mind

But there was no mind for his spell to find

So Raphina entered confrontation mode

To figure out, just who is this chode?

*[Chorus]*

(She took Batthwack) and they saw something wack

(Man on a rack) it was more pole than rack

(Made from a sack) it was a scarecrow, Jack

(with some mail tacked) Addressed to Ex-King Batthwack

*[Verse 3]*

Will and Rosco were having fun (lip syncing, wa hoo)

Acting out their friends' interaction (lip syncing, wa hoo)

Their bits were from a distance, in case they'd have to run

The letter called Batthwack a pretender king

Said his usefulness to Zantras was no longer a thing

But before we could ask who Juliette Rusher was

We found ourselves surrounded by scare-cruhs

*[Chorus]*

(We did the smash) we did the scarecrow smash

(The scarecrow smash) we turned them into ash

(We did the smash) Batthwack's flail did lash

(We did the smash) Will cast Eldritch Blash

*[Verse 4]*

Down the bannister, Sin did slide

He fired his crossbow but it went wide

Hitting Will instead, who shook his fist and said

"Whatever happened to my Tivoli Twist?"

*[Chorus]*

(It's now the smash) It's now the Scarecrow Smash

(The scarecrow smash) it's a *Quiet Crossings* bash!

(It's now the smash) Raphina's lightning did flash!

(It's now the smash) Rosco used his quarterstaffsh

*[Verse 5]*

Now everything's cool, all the scarecrows are dead

Will and Batthwack in their boots are being levitate-d

Oh wait more scarecrows are coming, too many!

And now Batthwack's prone, and we hear a scared whinny!

*[Chorus]*

(We're getting smashed) We're getting Scarecrow Smashed

(We're Scarecrow Smashed) Our potatoes are mashed

(We're Scarecrow Smashed) our browns are hashed

(We're Scarecrow Smashed) and these rhymes are trash

*[Outro]*

(Violet is the lavender of colors!)

Easy Rosco, you fucking idiot (Wa hoo, scarecrow smash)

(Bonk is the lavender of sounds!)

(Wa hoo, scarecrow smash)

(Wa hoo, scarecrow smash)

(Wa hoo, scarecrow smash)

(Wa hoo, scarecrow smash)

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*