DPDA Case No. 5

The fifth DPDA case occured on the 29th of December 1989 The follwing case report was written by Benjamin Sellars.

## Elroy Comes To Town

### Performers

Denzel PepperCecil Longstaff

Tim Crescent

Benjamin Sellars

Elroy Crookes

## Background

On the eve of the 27th of December 1989, the DPDA Office in Camden town received a letter written in posh conservative English, marked with the initials E.C. Denzel Pepper instantly knew who this letter was from. His arch-enemy, Elroy Crookes. The letter declared that on the 31st of December 1989, Elroy would rob the Halifax Woolshops Shopping Centre. Mr. Pepper was clearly horrified. ''It's my favourite shopping centre. That sick fucker.'' Cecil growled at the thought of this foul man. Tim pulled out the Crescent Machette from his weapons closet. ''It's clobberin' time.'' he mutters. We instantly set off to Halifax in the brand new Pepper-Mobile (A golden yellow 1971 Hillman Imp).

We arrived in Halifax in the afternoon of the 28th of December 1989. We entered the Wollshops Shopping Centre at night time to make sure none of Elroy's goons were patrolling the area. Mr. Pepper was hassled by some drunken men who were insulting his black sparkly shirt and three inch heel shoes. In response, Denzel kicked one of them in their testicles. The other two drunken men grabbed Denzel, however Cecil jumped on them and bit them until they released Denzel. Tim pulled out his machette and spat on them, threatening to eat their guts.

After that encounter, we continued walking around Halifax. An eerie thick fog covered the festive cheer of the streets. We partook in some of the Christmastime festivities. We joined a group of middle aged bald men who were drinking at a local pub. At one point, Denzel began crying due to how beautiful Halifax was. He ran out of the pub, and asked a busker to borrow his microphone. Denzel proceeded to give a beautiful 20 minute long speech about the beauty of Halifax and it's residents. The speech ended in everyone in the centre laughing, cheering and being overjoyed with a range of emotions at Denzel's speech. Denzel proceeded to be bought a dangerous amount of alcohol by the residents of Halifax.

The next morning, we woke up in Denzel's mother's house, in Hebden Bridge. We all sufered from massive hangovers. Denzel's mother cooked us pancakes and gave us the fizzy drink Dr. Pepper. Mrs. Pepper tells her friends that Dr. Pepper is her father, however this is untrue. We left the Pepper residence at 1:15 PM, and drove to Denzel's old secondary school. We entered at reception, and were greeted by Denzel's old physical sports teacher. A gorgeous bearded man with a lovely smile and a sultry Yorkshire accent. Denzel said ''Hello, Mr. W, I am here to ask for the address of my former classmate, Elroy Wilson Crookes.'' Tim proceeded to flash the DPDA identification badge, along with the DPDA business license. But this teacher was a noble man, who respected the laws of the United Kingdom, and told us that unfortunately he couldn't disclose that sort of information. We knew we had to track down Elroy by ourselves.

Luckily, Denzel knew Elroy's address, however we were aware that this might be incorrect, due to the fact that it was his address from 1985. When we arrived at the address, Tim broke down the door to the house, however instead of it being occupied by Elroy, it was occupied by an elderly woman named Rita. She was very kind to us, and offered us tea and biscuits. We ate her lovely tea and biscuits, and interrogated her on where Elroy Crookes is currently located. We came to the conclusion that Elroy was residing in his brother, George's house. We boarded the Pepper-Mobile and arrived at the Crookes residence soon after. Before entering the house, we stopped for a quick smoke. Tim grew ever so impatient, and stormed to the Crookes residnce. We entered the living room, where none other than Elroy Crookes and his goons were waiting. Upon seeing Denzel, Elroy began laughing maniacally. ''I see you have finally found us. Took you long enough.'' declared Elroy. Denzel squirmed at his extremely posh and pretentious accent. Denzel released a complex 24 word northern insult phrase at Elroy. He was visibly embarassed due to Denzel's amazing insult. Elroy rose from his red velvet armchair, and drew a pistol from his posh blazer.