215: Do You Hear It Scream When You Close Your Eyes At Night?

## Summary

In the lichen caves the party have a surprise meeting with the eccentric, jaw-harp-playing, disembodied-hand-fancying, lichen-culivating entrepreneur, the one-and-only Merrick Crumplemeyer! He takes them on a field trip to Paper Plant A where the lichen is processed and they learn all sorts of things about it, before skipping the gift shop and proceeding to Crumplemeyer's office in Plant B. Here the party reveal what they've discovered, that *Tomorrow, Today!* may be infiltrating Cliffside using a teleportation brazier and Crumplemeyer offers them lodgings in his office while they plot their next move.

## Synopsis

Crumplemeyer looks up from the lichen he's been studying. *"Yes, what is it? Hello?"* Gwen can hardly contain her excitement. *"Is that really you? The magnificent, magical businessman, Merrick Crumplemeyer?"* She curtsies and introduces herself, saying she used to own a candy store in town. Crumplemeyer says he's heard of her candy store and she offers him a sticky brick, which he gratefully receives. He asks if they were having a tour and Gwen tells him they are the puzzle winners. She beckons the others over and Batthwack introduces himself, holding out his hand. One of the disembodied hands hops up and clasps it and Batthwack gives it a shake. Crumplemeyer immediately recognizes Marko, who Will is still disguised as. He very quickly has to get into character, and remembering that Marko was a worker at the paper mill, fumbles the words *"Hail, sir!"* Fearing that the conversation will go south very soon, Raphina barges in and introduces herself hurriedly. Crumplemeyer asks if they want to have their meeting now instead of in the morning and invites them back to his office. Raphina asks if he'll explain how the lichen is grown and whether it responds to his harp music. Crumplemeyer says he plays for his lichen because he believes it gives it extra special magic for the paper. He explains that the lichen itself isn't inherently magical, but has some properties that are useful for the magic paper making process. The magic paper is made from all sorts of things, but the lichen is the *"special sauce"*. He goes on to say that the lichen is rare and not normally found here. It was discovered in this canyon and they put it to good use. Crumplemeyer offers to show them the mills where the paper is made.

Gwen has to admit that this is turning into the best day ever and Raphina agrees, saying that no-one's been nice to them for a while. Batthwack brings up the subject of the wall and the fact it's not an original part of the town. Crumplemeyer explains the mills helped develop the town into what it is and the wall was put up around 50 years ago. He says things *"naturally split apart"* and is fairly philosophical about it, saying it's sad but there is at least some kind of equilibrium between the two sides. Crumplemeyer asks Raphina why she said people haven't been nice to them and she says they have habit of finding trouble. Crumplemeyer says kindness is a one of the currencies they deal in on Cliffside. Raphina and Gwen support this world view, but Batthwack and Will stay silent on the subject. Raphina has a go at playing for the lichen on the jaw harp, but unfortunately her excitement gets the better of her and the performance is less than good. Raphina says she needs some lessons from Crumplemeyer, but he disagrees, saying it was wonderful and will lead to a special batch of paper. Crumplemeyer says they should now go to his offices for their official puzzles winners' meeting!

He plays his harp again as he escorts them from the caves. It's a short walk with a few twists and turns in the tunnels, which explains why it was dark inside the cave. At the cave mouth, two guards step aside to let them through, and they emerge into the light of the late afternoon. The sun has already sunk behind the cliffs. Crumplemeyer says he needs to go to Plant A to check on something and everyone agrees to come along.

They arrive at Paper Plant A and enter through the front doors. It's definitely a functional place of work, as opposed to Plant B, where they handed in their puzzles, which had more of a customer-friendly feel to it. Inside the entrance, there's a small foyer with stairs going up and down and various different ways to go. Crumplemeyer leads them through a door at the side of the foyer that opens into a huge cavernous room, containing three giant vats. These tall cylindrical tanks are big enough that they can't see inside them, but they are glowing with a familiar green glow. There are stairs leading up to various gangways and catwalks that crisscross above them. Crumplemeyer tells them to wait here while he goes upstairs and sees to his errand, and then goes back out the door they came in.

Will is suspicious of Crumplemeyer for being so trusting and leaving them alone in his factory. A worker walks by, recognises him and says *"Hey, Marko!"* Suddenly conscious of appearances, Will puts a cloak round Selenia, who's still looking rather dishevelled. They notice that two workers above them are hoisting a rope running down into one of the tanks. The other end of the rope is attached to a person wearing a special diving suit, dripping with glowing green goop as they are lifted out of the vat. They're pulled over to the catwalk at the side and set down. The other workers help him get his helmet off while the goop quickly runs off the suit. Will whispers to the rest of the group, saying one of them should ask what they were doing, and gives the workers a big thumbs up. Gwen shouts up to the workers, asking if she can go in the vat, but they politely decline, saying it's for trained workers only. They don't know why she'd want to anyway, saying the one who went in drew the short straw. Raphina calls up to them to ask if the lichen gets contaminated if you go in without a suit and they explain it's more the other way around; the suit protects the person from being contaminated. They explain they were carrying out routine cleaning inside the tank, scraping down the crusted lichen. Will/Marko shouts up to the workers saying that the group want to know if they like their jobs and they reply, saying they like it just fine. This seems convincing enough. Gwen asks the workers if they know anything about *Tomorrow, Today!*, for example, did they ever work there? The workers say *"What? No! We never worked for those bastards!"* Will/Marko shouts *"Fuck Tomorrow, Today!"* and a chorus of workers join in with shouts of *"Fuck Tomorrow, Today!"* which echo down the room.

The sound of a jaw harp can be heard approaching and Crumplemeyer returns. He asks if they enjoyed looking at the vats of *"lichen juice"* and then leads them out of the paper plant and down the street. The townsfolk are giving them a wide berth as Crumplemeyer walks along idly admiring the streets. As they continue on their way, the group even get the impression that he may even have forgotten they're there. They pass *Crumplemeyer's Liquor* and *Crumplemeyer's Fine Food*. Gwen can tell he is not taking the most direct route, but is instead enjoying meandering through town. Raphina asks Crumplemeyer where he got his disembodied hands and he says he's had them for years. They were a gift from one of the many visitors they've had here, a customer who was probably trying to curry favor and get a discount. He was a good customer for many years but he hasn't heard from him in a while. He can't recall if they were from Tapperdown or Carnivar. Raphina asks what they're called because she'd like to get a set of her own. Crumplemeyer, apparently misunderstanding the question, says the hands are called Stan, Jan, Pan and Marvin. He says they're probably necromancy of some kind.

Crumplemeyer begins playing his harp again and they continue on their way, eventually arriving at Plant B. They go in through the doors and past the reception desk and Will observes that no-one says anything this time about his magical disguise. They're led through a set of doors in the back, behind which is a staircase going up. It's lit by the usual green glowing lights and after climbing three floors they arrive at a hallway, at the far end of which is a single set of wooden double doors.

Crumplemeyer opens the double doors and shows them into an office. It's very a very humble room, messy and cramped. The walls are lined with counters and draws and there's a wardrobe in the corner. The far wall has a large window overlooking the workings of the paper plant. A chair sits in the middle of the room with a stack of papers on it. Crumplemeyer starts their meeting by asking Raphina what she had meant earlier when she said they'd had trouble in town. The conversation comes round to *Tomorrow, Today!*, who Crumplemeyer describes as a "fiendish organisation". He's frustrated they aren't more willing to work with him. Raphina also mentions Ricardo Ulysses and the trouble he's been causing them. Crumplemeyer says he'd heard the "scoundrel" had been in town some weeks ago and is thankful he stayed on Waterside. He can't understand why they would welcome a thief. He turns to the rest of the group, questioning Gwen about what happened to her store and Will about why he's disguised as Marko, saying he knew of the disguise but didn't want to mention it out in public. All this suggests to him that they've been having a bad experience in town and he offers them help leaving or giving them a safe place to stay. Will is still suspicious about Crumplemeyer (of course) but from their discussions doesn't sense he's hiding anything. Crumplemeyer says he's heard tales of *Tomorrow, Today!'*s "facility" but says in their defense that on Waterside they do have to act as gatekeepers to all the visitors, whereas Cliffside is protected by the wall. Crumplemeyer says he's heard tales of their office where sometimes people go in and don't come out. He's not a fan of the way they operate, leading Will to question why he let's them in his town. Crumplemeyer disputes that it belongs to him, but Will points out that he founded the town and developed the magic paper making technique, so shouldn't he have control? Crumplemeyer asks if Will is offering to help with that but Will immediately distances himself from that suggestion. Batthwack asks if Crumplemeyer is worried that *Tomorrow, Today!* might decide to impose a presence on Cliffside. Crumplemeyer says he doesn't think they would threaten the livelihood and wealth of the town. Will says he should reaffirm his authority, but Crumplemeyer says he's not really that kind of person.

Raphina asks Crumplemeyer if he knows who Strahd is. He doesn't and Raphina explains he's a famous vampire from a different part of Six Rivers. Crumplemeyer says he knows about vampires, but doesn't know that name. Will butts in and asks Crumplemeyer if he knows Tivoli, but he doesn't, though he says he's not too involved with the shipping department. Will can't understand how Crumplemeyer let the town get split in two and doesn't have control or influence on the Waterside. Was there a politcal coup organised by a bad guy who he wants to kill? Crumplemeyer dismisses this reading of events, saying it's not a children's story; there is no "bad guy". Will suggests things don't look so fancy over this side, inputting that Crumplemeyer's business hasn't been very successful, but Crumplemeyer says they make a lot of money from their magic paper. Will suggests if he had more control, maybe things would be better over this side. Crumplemeyer wants to know what Will is getting at. Batthwack asks how Crumplemeyer would feel if there was no wall someday. Crumplemeyer says that in an ideal world there wouldn't be, but doesn't see it happening any time soon. Will says that Crumplemeyer was too focused on his product than he was in the situation in the town, that he doesn't have too much concern how the town is run. Raphina asks who's in charge of *Tomorrow, Today!* and Crumplemeyer says it's a mystery; he has no idea who runs it.

Gwen asks Crumplemeyer if he knows that *Tomorrow, Today!* have a surveillance operation. He says he knows they track things on Waterside, but Gwen says it's on Cliffside too and Crumplemeyer is concerned by this, furrowing his brow. Batthwack tells him about the teleportation brazier they found and that *Tomorrow, Today!* can travel directly to the caves and the paper plants. Crumplemeyer is very disturbed. Batthwack suggests that Cliffsiders should be prepared for conflict and Crumplemeyer agrees that this could be imminent, his mood becoming angry. Crumplemeyer asks the party if they will help him. Everyone agrees and Batthwack says he's increasingly thinking that it would be the right thing to bring down the wall. Gwen says that right now they primarily need somewhere safe to stay as *Tomorrow, Today!* will be looking for them. Crumplemeyer says they can stay in his offices. Batthwack says he's worried they might come in force, or may already be here in secret. Crumplemeyer says Cliffside have many advantages that *Tomorrow, Today!* probably don't know about. He doesn't think they could breach the wall and bring a force here. Will also reminds everyone that the party took a bunch of the brazier stones, hopefully reducing their teleportation options, or at least slowing them down.

Will wants Crumplemeyer to investigate the underground pipes, especially the ones that end in the middle of the cave. Crumplemeyer says he'll do some digging on that. He asks if they're actually suggesting mounting a preemptive counter attack to gain the upper hand. Batthwack tells Crumplemeyer about Krikrik and their desire to bring the wall down using magic paper. The party have been trying to get a sense of whether this would be a good move or not. Crumplemeyer says that although the wall offers protection, he would prefer it everyone lived and worked together. Crumplemeyer says he needs time to figure things out and perhaps the party does too. He offers them accommodation in his office while they rest, recuperate and strategize. He thanks them for sharing all this information with him. Batthwack says it was clearly the right thing to do, given how differently they've been treated on Cliffside. Gwen asks Crumplemeyer if she can hug him, and he says he'd love that. Raphina and Mo follow suit. He says he'll have some food sent up, but in the meantime they should get comfortable while he goes off to figure some things out. He absent-mindedly goes to the side of the room, opens a drawer, closes it and then leaves, closing the door behind him. The sound of a jaw harp fades off into the distance.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Raphina/Abby. Gwen asks Crumplemeyer if it hurts the lichen to be in the giant tanks and he replies *"It's dead at this point so, no I don't think it really does."* Raphina has a sudden realisation. *"Oh. You have to kill the lichen."* *"Yeeeesssss?"* replies Crumplemeyer thoughtfully. Raphina seems slightly disheartened. *"But it still has it's magic when you dry it out and everything? I didn't think about that."* *"That would be a bit of a deal-breaker if it didn't!"* says Crumplemeyer and Raphina replies *"Do you hear it scream when you close your eyes at night?"*
* Any other Pork Fried Dice memes / non-canon moments / interesting facts that you think are worth noting

## References

1. ↑ The party nearly had a really nice meal at *Crumplemeyer's Fine Food* - see episode 199: Will, You So Rarely Lie To Me
2. ↑ When the party came here to claim their prize, the receptionist was immediately aware of Will, Batthwack and Mo's disguises, which they were obliged to remove - see episode 202: I Bet You Think This Pneumatic Tube Is About You
3. ↑ See episode 211: Disco is Dead, Batthwack!