AMBiTiON/Story/Ch. 19

## Chapter 19 - An Insincere Apology, Probably

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"Stitch the band back together somehow"... Like hell it was gonna be that simple!

She couldn't believe she was still hesitating, even now. Following all that happened, how could Chihiro still have doubts about finally approaching Aki?

'What do they know, anyways?' The brown-haired girl tried to justify herself, tensing up with anxiety as she sat at her desk. 'Telling all this to Aki-yan would break her. Those three don't even know what she's going through!'

In the end, however, Chihiro knew she had to do it at some point. Don't treat things the same anymore, don't. She made a useless attempt to shake off her worries, and snapped her gaze up at the oh-so-familiar girl waiting before Chihiro's desk as always. When should she finally tear off the bandage?

"Let's go to the courtyard." Aki stood in front of Chihiro, her hand against the wooden surface. "Looks like Sora-chin won't come today either, so I don't think we should stay and wait." There was a guilty expression on her face, but Chihiro didn't understand what Aki felt bad for. After all, the whole mess was caused by the selfish vocalist.

'Yeah, I'm gonna have to spill it.' Chihiro told herself, pitying… perhaps envying the girl's obliviousness.

With a bento box in her hand, Chihiro followed Aki out into the student-filled hallways. She quietly took note of the confused yet regretful looks that Aki occasionally flashed at the space beside herself, meant to be occupied by the absent Sorae. In the violet-haired girl's eyes, Chihiro could see her grieving Sorae's presence.

'And it's not like it can get any worse,' She decided.

"Oh, what's up?"

The echoes of the dismissal bell lingered. It was weird standing in front of Aki's desk - in the back row by the window - purposefully searching for her, especially when the roles were normally reversed. On the outside Aki seemed unbothered by the recent events, but Chihiro knew she was quite puzzled by them. In a few moments Aki's puzzlement would be replaced by devastation.

"I-I have to talk to you. It's kinda important." Chihiro mentally kicked herself for the poor word choice. Seriously? 'Kinda'? Should she really be trying to lessen the impact of this situation?

"Oh? Uh, alright…?" Aki's face became a mix of curiosity and concern, catching on immediately.

'Well she's always been smart,' silently remarked Chihiro, before kicking herself once more in scolding for the sarcastic thought. The girl looked away, already unsure of what to do. Chihiro wished she was as quick-witted as Aki in conversation, but really, that could apply to any skill whatsoever.

"Yeah… s-so, like, mind coming with me up to the school rooftop? If it doesn't rain again..." Letting her voice trail off, Chihiro's brown gaze settled on her shoes. She didn't want to face Aki so directly, but she had to. It felt oddly reminiscent of Chihiro first asking the keyboardist to join their band, yet this was a different sort of awkwardness.

She jolted back in slight surprise when Aki jumped up to her feet instantly, her chair squeaking a bit with the sudden movement. Forcing her body to stop tensing, Aki spoke with a quieter voice than normal. "I see! Um, okay, lead the way." The girl smiled, though Chihiro knew it was a stiff kind of smile.

Nervously the brown-haired girl made her way to the school rooftop, Aki at her heels, their footsteps on the stairs in near-unison. She passed the girls chattering about band activities. She passed the girls with guitar cases. And with a heaving breath, whether from the exercise or Chihiro's fears about Aki's potential reaction, she creaked open the door.

At first it was a mere peek. Then sunlight poured through the doorway, blinding Chihiro for a moment as her eyes adjusted to the outside's brightness. The two stepped into the open.

A gentle breeze coursed through the air, the fresh scent of rain and grass brought along for the ride. Warm sunshine sang tomorrow's greetings of July, and Chihiro couldn't help but relax for just a split second. Then she forced herself to stress - she mustn't give herself false hope.

Chihiro turned to Aki when they got near the green chain link fence, lining the edge along with benches. "Aki-yan, come over, check it out." They were met with the sight of the city from a bird's eye view, quiet from above but surely bustling. Chihiro leaned against the fence and briefly enjoyed the scenery. Life just kept going. If everything went wrong, Chihiro hoped her life could go back to how it was before too. Though, weirdly, that familiar isolation felt so long ago, and so… sad.

She walked along the fence, stepping into a puddle. Ripples.

"Wow," Aki commented. "maybe we should come up here more often! Just hope we're allowed."

"There's benches here, so probably. Not that anyone's up here these days unless they want a free shower." Chihiro sat down and glanced around for any other students on the rooftop, but none were visible. She didn't know how to feel about being alone here with the girl whose view of Chihiro would be entirely ruined. Was it time?

The air was dead silent for a good few seconds. Aki, now settled beside Chihiro on the benches painted green, was brave enough to talk first. "Hiro-tan…" She tilted her head at the vocalist. "You got something important, right?"

"Right. Yeah, yeah. I-I was gonna get to that…"  Shakily, Chihiro stammered. Like the last time she had to speak about this matter, her mind went blank. Maybe now, with Chihiro's experience from last time with Sorae, Izumi, and Mai, she could explain everything better. She had to explain everything better.

"So, Aki-yan, I won't mind if you don't like me after this…"

"Why would I?" Aki smiled, though with a hint of worry, "You're wonderful, Hiro-tan."

Suddenly Chihiro felt a surge of irritation overwhelm her, completely contradicting her recently depressing self. Was her arrogance finally catching up? Chihiro could hear a part of her desperately yelling to keep her ego back, but it only kept moving. Seriously, why now? Somehow that familiar annoyance towards Aki returned, yet somehow… it was different.

The brown-haired girl whipped to face Aki, her side-ponytail swaying along. "Oh, come on!" Chihiro exclaimed, puppeted by some unexplainable anger.

"No! You know you don't mean that, you don't! No one ever means anything! I don't mean anything to anyone, and they don't mean anything to me, either!" She shook her head briefly. "So Aki, stop it! Why do you keep being so nice to me when I hated you, and probably still hate you now?! I didn't even want to be your friend! You know what I wanted? Not you! Not Izumi, not Sorae-chan, not Mai-san! I wanted myself, and myself only!"

Dumbfounded confusion crossed Aki's face - for once the Smart Kid didn't understand something. "... W-What?"

"You know, when I started this band, I didn't want anything to do with you. You're some--" Chihiro struggled to speak, "smart, popular, social butterfly… stupid, stupid! And I wasn't any of that! So I, like…" So many words sprung to Chihiro's mind, so quickly that she skipped a few sentences as she belted them from the top of her head. "I hate you! I hate everyone! Because everyone hates me!"

She sincerely hoped that after all the ordeals, Chihiro had finally learned the magic of shutting up. But alas, that could have never been true, for she continued. "If everything that comes out of your mouth is nice, Aki, then I don't deserve to hear anything you say. You're all lies, and so am I..."

The world paused around her. Chihiro came back to her senses and looked down, without realizing her hands had curled into fists.

In an instant, guilt swamped her. Aki must have been so confused, maybe devastated during that. But all Chihiro did was keep ranting and ranting and… did she even get to the point?

She glanced up at Aki and hoped for the worst, so that she didn't have to be unpleasantly surprised. And sure enough…

"..." Aki's body twisted to stare into the distant cityscape. Chihiro could see a bleak acceptance in her crystal blue eyes. Oh, god. She was probably remembering how Toshiko Higashiki and those other three girls had admitted to never really being Aki's friend... And now this?

"Aki-yan…?" She used the keyboardist's nickname in a miserable attempt to lighten the atmosphere.

"..."

"Aki?"

"..."

"A-Aki!"

"..."

Chihiro's breath quickened. "Aki Hoshime! Hoshi… Hoshime-san--?"

"Aki-yan's fine too," the all-too-reminiscent sentence escaped her lips at last, with neither a shock stricken nor content face. A blank expression. Eyes barely widened, she almost seemed curious.

And from her words, suddenly Chihiro saw flashbacks with flashbacks, the beginnings, her hatred, her lack of confidence, her turmoil which she never took notice of… too many things rushing in. Too many.

The vocalist looked away, too shocked to cry. "Why am I even friends with you?" She asked no one in particular. Herself, maybe? "You don't need some piece of crap like me being anywhere near you."

Dizziness took hold of her and Chihiro stiffly turned, so her chest faced the fence and her legs crossed. If she lost her balance, her back might just fall flat on the floor behind them. She held the links with delicate fingers and pressed her forehead on the chain link fence, staring out into the horizon. There was surely more to be said, but nothing came out.

Chihiro stole a glance at Aki. She didn't seem to move. As if summoned by Chihiro's observation, however, Aki eventually turned in her spot the same way. She shifted away so the girl didn't have to be so near. Only, Aki shifted closer as if to reach out to Chihiro specifically.

Aki hadn't said much the whole time, but now she spoke with genuine sympathy in her voice - not something Chihiro knew very well. "I hate myself as much as you hate yourself," she began.

"... But you and I both know that it's irrational. Neither of us deserve the hate, you know?" Aki gazed softly into Chihiro's tense eyes. "Well, maybe I'm not quite convinced that I don't deserve the hate, but like… you aren't bad, Hiro-tan. I say it on my life."

Continuing to look away, Chihiro retorted stubbornly, "Yeah, well, I hate you. I tried to trick your niceness so that I could be better than everyone else. Is that not bad?" She sniffed and held in the tears. "And all you do is help people and use your talents for good. How is that worth hating?"

To Chihiro's surprise, Aki let out a chuckle. "Are you sure? You keep trying to convince me that you hate me, but it's not working very well." She smiled, amused. "Do compliments mean insults now?"

"I-I mean, I probably hate you… Not that you deserve it, Aki-yan, I'm just petty."

"Doesn't even sound like you're convinced yourself! And what do you mean I don't deserve that hate?" Aki held bittersweet humour in her eyes. "I'm petty too! I keep whining about this and that when I've practically got the world for myself."

"See!" Chihiro's tears slowly dissolved away, and she faced Aki directly as she pouted comically. "You just hated yourself too! Why's it so easy to hate ourselves...?"

The keyboardist laughed. "Dollar for the hate jar."

With a blink to clear her eyes, Chihiro realized the tenseness was fading. But she had more to say.

She glanced away again, afraid of Aki's reaction, though she'd been nothing but friendly. "Now that I think about it, it just feels… right to hate myself. When I think of people liking me, it feels so wrong and contradictory somehow, it's embarrassing. I guess, I want attention in theory, but in practice…"

Aki was silent - she was letting Chihiro go on.

"This whole thing made me realize…" the vocalist continued, "I feel like nothing. I wanted to start the band just to make me feel important, but… it didn't work. Nothing ever works." A growing hollowness swelled inside her again. "I know I'm a jerk. I already learned that. But without my jerkness… I don't know who I'd even be. In a way, I'd rather not lose that part of me, because if I did… can I even call myself 'Chihiro Satou'?"

Saying that name nearly made her throw up in her mouth. "I don't know how I ended up hating myself like this. But maybe… that's why I hate everyone else too. 'Cause I know how I think of myself, so chances are, other people feel the same? Which equals me hating them back, I GUESS? But now I messed up. Now Sorae-chan and Mai-san are worried about me, and Izumin won't even talk to me."

"What?" Aki furrowed her brows in confusion - She hadn't gotten the memo from anyone. "What happened with them?"

Her eyes widened in alarm. Chihiro hadn't explained that part yet. Aki went on, staying perfectly patient. "Umm, alright. Start from the beginning."

And Chihiro did as she was told. Starting from her wish to form the band, her internal conflict on how to treat her bandmates, her guilt, all the way up to last Friday when she confronted their other three bandmates with such a predictable ending. All while staring out into the city horizon, a blank canvas of white clouds blanketing the sky. Chihiro wondered if her final wish to become "a new Chihiro Satou" did become true after all. Well, of course it didn't.

"Oh~, that's why Sora-chin stopped coming to find us, then?" Aki deducted, and Chihiro nodded with a lingering emptiness.

"Sorry, Aki…" A sour sadness rose in her throat. "... Sorry for doing this to you. After Higashiki-san and the others told their part of the truth, after you thought so highly of me…"

The keyboardist chuckled pensively. "That part definitely wasn't your fault. Neither was it theirs. I was the one that randomly ditched them, after all."

"Oh. Well, in any case, sorry for… being as bad as before." Chihiro burned her gaze on the cityscape, not wanting to look at Aki. But she felt a tug on her sleeve.

"Wait, bad as before?" Chihiro turned to see a face, so disbelieving that it was almost mocking, but kindness beamed from behind those blue eyes. "Okay, sorry, but… I won't deny that wanting to manipulate people so that you can get ahead is bad. But when I say that, I'm not talking about you."

"Uh, and how does that work? You just described what I tried to do in the start!"

"Case in point! Hiro-tan, you know of the problems behind what you tried to do. Don't give yourself so little credit, you're nowhere near as stupid as you think… 'cause you changed. You made a difference by planning to recruit us, even if the plan was flawed, which ended up making a difference in you!"

Spreading waves.

Aki laughed sheepishly. "It might be bad of me to say this, but I'm glad you made that plan to recruit us. I think it kinda changed me, but more importantly, it changed you. And, well, despite that thing with planning to take advantage of us…" She tilted her head, "did you actually hurt us that much? You learned from it anyways. Good things happen, bad things happen, isn't that how the whole thing changes and grows? At least, that's what I think."

Puddles in the rain.

Getting up on her feet, Aki stood and helped Chihiro up with her hand. The keyboardist continued to look at her adoringly as she spoke. "Maybe I'm just saying cliche, cheesy stuff without meaning - especially coming from me - but please, please believe me when I say that… we can change whenever, however. I'm trying to believe it myself, too..." She smiled and gazed off into the distance.

"Tomorrow's July. The month changes too."

Chihiro stared, slowly letting go of Aki's hand as she took it in. It was hard to believe, but if Aki knew how it felt to hate herself as well...

But she couldn't help it. The auburn-haired girl let out a laugh. "Ugh, what the hell! That's so cheesy. Why do we have to be so dramatic?"

"Poyo-yan, ain't it?"

"Poyo-- oh, whatever." Chihiro recalled all the things they've said, not just Aki and herself, but the whole of their band. "... We're all hopeless, aren't we?"

"We just gotta make some hope ourselves!"

"... Illegally?"

"Whatever it takes."

Falling… not falling apart, but falling together.

Chihiro felt something cold on her head. "Wait, crap, is it raining now?" She scowled. "I swear, the first raindrop always hits me."

As the two hurried back under the school's cover, Aki suggested, "Maybe that means you're lucky."

"How is it lucky that I get rain on me??"

Aki shut the door without responding, watching, through the other side of the door window, a light rain begin to pour. Chihiro watched as well. Rain makes puddles.

A thousand things to search for, and Chihiro was never confident enough in herself to make the first step.

"Y'know how you were saying that cliche stuff?" She initiated.

"Yeah?"

"... Should I say one back?"

Aki winked. "Stage's yours."

A weird sense of hope, although naive, overcame Chihiro. They all hated themselves. At least they could change together. She turned to the gray skies, where it would soon turn dark. 'The sky can change too,' she pondered.

The water's surface changes. Everything does.

Although it was only the start, Chihiro vowed with a mixture of ironic humour and sincerity.

"I… I am a new Chihiro Satou."

She recalled having said those words before with so little meaning. Like lying. She thought she knew herself well. Lying. Lies.

Wow, that was stupid.

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