Ron Stampler

This page contains possibly major spoilers for the events of the podcast. Scroll at your own risk.
Ron Stampler is the group's emotionally detached stepfather slash rogue. He is the step-father of Terry Jr. Stampler and the husband of Samantha Stampler.

He is sucked through a portal together with Henry Oak, Glenn Close and Darryl Wilson, and together they try find their lost sons.

## Ron Stampler

Ron Stampler as portrayed on the Season 1 cover art by Alex Moore.

### Relatives

Carl Stampler (Grandfather)
Stuart "Stud" Stampler (Great-Uncle)
Willy Stampler (Father)
Susan Stampler (Mother)
Samantha Stampler (Wife)
Terry Stampler, Jr. (Step-son)
Scary Marlowe (Granddaughter)

### Affiliation

The Doodlers
Henry Oak-Garcia
Darryl Wilson
Glenn Close

## Appearances

### Debut

Season 1 Episode 1 "A Man and His Handshake"

## Personality

Ron is very loving and giving, although not very socially competent.

## Appearance

Ron has a mustache and little hair. He is 5'4" and weighs 120ish pounds. He has a big dick.

## History

### Initial Landing Arc

Ron is first introduced trying to make instant oatmeal for his stepson Terry. It is goes poorly as Ron fails to add any water. Terry attempts to convince the other dads to leave without Ron, but fails. As they leave for the tournament Ron is pulled into the Forgotten Realms together with the other dads and their sons.

The dads wake up in the Honda Odyssey without their sons. They recognise they are in an unfamiliar place and call 911 and AAA. As they think about what to do, they are attacked by three people in red cloaks. As the group is being attacked Ron calls Terry Jr. and asks what he should do, to which Terry Jr. answers that Ron might as well die. Ron hangs up, obviously hurt. The dads defeat the red cloaked figures, killing two and having the third one, Three escort them to The Lance who has sold their sons to slavery.

Three takes the dads to The Lance’s house in Phandalin. While the other dads plan to trade Three for information about their sons, Ron looks around and compares The Lance to Clint Eastwood in an attempt to de-escalate. Eventually the other dads attempt to trade information of their sons' locations for Darryl's Nokia with the Snake-game. The Lance is unimpressed, until Ron chimes in saying that snakes are natural predators, and that Dotty the Dachshund, a family member, had to be put down because of a snake bite. It is revealed that The Lance had a dog, One. In the end Henry manages to steal the list of their sons' whereabouts and they leave The Lance's house.

The dads leave The Lance’s house with the list, and consider their options. Darryl has to eat Grant's skin, Glenn thinks Nick'll be fine and Ron believes Terry Jr. is better off without him, so they decide to head to Lark and Sparrow in Neverwinter.

Henry knocks Glenn out with a dad joke and the dads decide to sleep at the Wispy Woods Inn to recover. Ron stays with Glenn while Henry and Darryl go investigate nearby and come back with a bracelet wearing fairy dragon called Gartok. Gartok is trying to find his kids and they are along the way, so the dads agree to help.

>
> **Henry:** [yelling] *Ron, this is Gartok. He’s gonna come with us on our journey.*
>
>
> **Gartok:** *I’m Gartok.*
>
>
> **Ron:** *Okay, hey Gartok.*
>
>
> **Glenn:** [Only just waking up] *What the fuck is that!?*
>
>
>
>

The dads head to the inn and tell Ron to get them a room. Ron goes over to Sweet Matilda and with Darryl's help manages to convince her that he is a brewer who is here to sell her beer. Eventually they agree on 15 barrels for 8 silver a barrel, with 3 in advance and a room for the night. Ron is very excited about the successful deal and is very emotional about the praise he receives.
[[
The dads share a dream of a figure in a purple cloak, saying something in a booming voice, pointing at them. Ron notes that his dad would wear a purple bathrobe.

The dads escape through the window and head back to the van. They start driving towards Neverwinter. Henry starts to suspect ther might be something off with Gartok's motives, but chooses to be willfully ignorant. Ron is suspicious but says nothing. Eventually they stop by Gartok's children's hideout. Gartok mentions he cannot go inside and he cannot explain, which causes one of the Gartok's bracelets fire up. Ron decides to try and take a bracelet off. This results in the death of one of Gartok's children. Ron puts on the bracelet as recompense, and Gartok attempts to use them to kill Ron.

>
> **Ron:** *Wait, I’m a step-father. It is my job to take other people’s children, and then have them be a burden on me. I’m gonna put on the bracelet* [Puts on the bracelet].
>
>
> **Gartok:** [disgusted] *Kill yourself.*
>
>
>
>

This doesn't go over well with the other dads. Eventually Glenn intimidates Gartok to behave. Ron thanks Gartok, because wanting to die for a moment has taught him that he does want to live.

The dads leave Gartok in the car and head to the kids hideout. Inside they find the two remaining dragon children. The dragon children reveal that Gartok has been keeping them enslaved, though it is not atypical of dragons. They encountered a man in a purple cloak, who allowed them to pull out of a Deck of Many Things and have Gartok put the bracelets on instead of them.

The dads come to agree that they should stop Gartok, and decide that they will put the bracelets back on Gartok but make them say other things that will force him to be a good dad. They argue about what makes a good dad and what they want to do for their children. Henry brings up values like love and honesty, Darryl brings up the Golden Rule, Glenn brings up allowing your kids to make their own mistakes and Ron brings up wanting Terry Jr. to never have to feel like Ron did at his age. They agree on "Treat your kids like you’d wanna be treated and let your kids make their own decisions, within a certain boundary, until they're dragon adult age and do not buy store brand for toilet paper or mac and cheese.

They are interrupted by a time traveling Darryl from the future, who tells them to change the details of the bracelets before running off.

They put the bracelets on Gartok and take Gartok to the children. Henry blurts out that they killed the dragons' sibling, but Gartok interrupts him, saying that it is his fault for treating his children like commodities.

The dads continue their journey and leave the dragons behind.

### Neverwinter Arc

The dads arrive outside Neverwinter and see a picture of the Doodler as drawn by Lark and Sparrow across the former banner of the city. Glenn suggests they intimidate the guards by honking the horn and dress up in leftover soccer jerseys to convince the guards that they are the emissaries of the Doodler. Ron is small and fits in the jersey easily, though he specifies that this is because it is on his upper body, as if it weren't he would need an XL. They successfully enter Neverwinter and take a short rest.

They wake up surrounded by guards. The guards mention the two previous emissaries, disappeared, seemingly turning into The Lord of Chaos. The guard directs the group to The Lord of Chaos, who is at Ankara the Entertaining's Pit of Myriad Delights. The Pit of Myriad Delights has two pits, one for an orgies and another for fighting monsters.

Sheriff David Boreanaz arrives to interrogate the group. He reveals the Doodler resembles an eldritch god worshipped by a cult he's a part of, and that the prophecy states that when the Lord of Chaos sheds the blood of an unsung hero, the Doodler will be released and remake the world into a better one.

Sheriff Boreanaz suggests proving their worthiness in the fighting pit, which may draw the eye of the Lord of Chaos, who in turn may know where Lark and Sparrow are. The group prepares for combat and Henry suggests getting naked to invoke chaos. Darryl, Glenn, and Henry strip down Ron is wearing several layers of clothing underneath, and only takes off the topmost one, revealing another layer of pants underneath.

Lark and Sparrow drop their cloak and are revealed to be the Lord of Chaos underneath the robes. They scream at Henry andLark requests guards to move the dads to the dungeon. Henry, Darryl and Ron get knocked unconscious. Glenn surrenders and remains conscious, and so sees the group be taken to a tower with an elevator. The twins take elevator up, guards take dads down to prison, still naked.

Ron discovers a discolored brick in his cell with runes sayin “I’m Hungry.” Ron responds, “Hi Hungry, I’m dad.”, and frees all dads with the exception of Henry. Darryl chases Lark and Sparrow after being freed, Glenn fights a guard, Ron hides in his pants. Glenn helps a shapeshifting murderer called Everything escape her cell. Darryl accidentally spares a lizard man.

Darryl pretends to be the "Dad of Chaos," and threatens to crush Lark’s head, which intimidates guards to release Henry. Lark and Sparrow agree to start the ceremony separately. Sparrow heads to the elevator to summon The Doodler without Lark. Henry chases Sparrow.

The other dads work on gathering their strength for escape. They stuff Lark in a cell for the time being. Darryl frees a man-sized snake in a cell through an attempted handshake. Everything joins them in their escape attempt and guides them to the armory, where they retrieve their weapons. Glenn also picks up a nunchaku. Each dad gets an item, Darryl gets Perfume of Bewitching, Ron gets Hat of Vermin, Glenn gets Alchemy Jug. In addition Darryl gets a bag of magic beans that Everything warns are unpredictable. They then proceed upwards towards Henry and Sparrow.

Sheriff Boreanaz commands soldiers to attack Henry and Sparrow. Henry attempts to escape with the elevator but is pursued by Boreanaz and several guards. When the other dads reach them, Darryl drops the Bag of Beans down the elevator shaft, and four beans spill out creating eggs, a geysir of apple juice, pink toads, and a 60x60ft pyramid which begins to crush the tower under its weight. Ron and Darryl start to fall. Ron pulls out sticky frogs out of the hat of vermin and manages to climb down safely. Glenn saves Darryl by reaching out with his nunchaku.

The tower is reduced to rubble. The town starts to erupt into chaos the dads and Lark and Sparrow rushe to the Honda Odyssey. Ron grabs one of the five eggs along the way. The lizard man, Cern, whom Darryl accidentally spared joins the group in the van telling Darryl he owes Darryl a Wookie Life Debt.

Sparrow’s eyes suddenly glow with purple and he is taken over by an ominous voice, calling Henry unworthy as a father. As Lark and Sparrow fade out of existence, Sparrow asks if he did good.

## Relationships

### Terry Jr.

> **Darryl**: *Ron, what would do you trying to do for Terry? What's— what's the most important thing for you, as a dad?*
>
>
>

> **Ron:** *Uh… Just… Try not to make Terry feel the way I felt when I was Terry's age.*
>
>

### Willy Stampler

> **Ron:**  *And, you know, what I wanted, more than anything, was for him to be proud of me. But he wasn't.*
>
>

## Dad Facts

* Ep1: Has never taken a sex ed class.
* Ep2: He has no leg hair. The left is medical, the right is for fun.
* Ep3: He believes a hug is a type of dog.
* Ep4: He kept a collection of his baby teeth.
* Ep5: Knows the lyrics to every single Eminem song.
* Ep6: He is right handed.
* Ep7: Has never played Dungeons and Dragons, but has played Scene It.
* Ep8: Ron thinks every musical has to be about animals, as the only musical he has ever seen is Cats.
* Ep9: Is unsure if dinosaurs are extinct, imaginary, or walk among us.
* Ep10: His middle name is “F.”
* Ep11: He also is very good at mimicking other accents. (Thespian feat)
* Ep12: The reason he doesn’t know the word “sex” is because his wife Samantha always called it “making love.”
* Ep13: He has naturally high cholesterol.
* Ep14: Ron catfished his wife by making a profile on the local humane society as a Schnauzer.
* Ep15: He has attempted the Spicy Taco Wall of Flame challenge at True North Tavern in San Dimas. He failed it due to not liking tacos that much.
* Ep16: Beth is sick so she sounds like Ron indefinitely, and people keep recognizing her. (this is said to be a lie, “nobody recognizes me in real life”)
* Ep17: Ron has never had a cavity
* Ep18: Ron had a tummy ache during the first part of the Fortnite episode, but he was too manly to say anything and it went away
* Ep19: Ron refers to celebrities by their full given names
* Ep20: In the context of Halloween, Ron is scared of everything
* Ep21: Ron's favorite mirror in his house growing up in the attic where Ron always thought he looked absolutely amazing, because etched into the glass itself was the word “Stud”
* Ep22: Ron got sent to the principal's office in fourth grade for plagiarizing a book report on The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.
* Ep23: Ron likes to enjoy thanksgiving dinner in the form of a cold sandwich, like how most people consume leftovers the day after thanksgiving.
* Ep24:Ron has attached earlobes.
* Ep25:Ron’s New Year’s resolution is the same as Samantha’s, which is to be kinder. To do so he just bought a stack of Hallmark cards.
* Ep26: Samantha is the only one to call Ron, “Ronnie.”
* Ep27: Samantha is the only person to call Ron, “Daddy Flapjack Google Doc Dick.”
* Ep28: Ron’s signature looks nothing like his real name and is extremely easy to forge.
* Ep29: Ron’s father, Willy, was a traveling fishing gear salesman. Willy drowned using a fancy lure to catch a huge fish which ended up pulling him overboard.
* Ep30: Ron has been skiing three times and only uses the pizza method because he thinks it’s cooler.
* Ep31: Willy, Ron’s father, is based off of Willy Loman from Death of a Salesman.
* Ep32: Ron dropped a cracker between the seats of the Honda Odyssey and feels guilty for never getting it out before the Odyssey’s untimely demise into another dimension.
* Ep33: Ron was arrested at one of Terry’s soccer games for stealing the corner flags.
* Ep34: Ron didn’t realize that being a mail person was an actual profession.
* Ep35: Ron is a faster, better runner, driver, everything, than Dennis.
* Ep36: Ron did NOT murder his father
* Ep37: No ron fact, Beth fact! Beth would “at some point in her life get a tramp stamp of lady and the tramp and he would be like sexy”
* Ep38: Ron’s favorite class in high school was Shop. Because he thought it was shopping and he would just ditch school and hang out at the mall.
* Ep39: Ron can type 70 words per minute.
* Ep40: Ron had a pet rock as a child
* Ep41: Ron started his path as a businessman in high school selling chocolate, but Willy bought all of them with plans to upsell them.
* Ep42: Ron’s favorite dad fact is the word “dad” is from the mid-16th century, perhaps imitative of a young child's first syllables “dah”
* Ep43: Beth thought of something “really cool and successful” Ron could have done last episode, but she forgets what that is.
* Ep44: Ron thinks he has never seen a “face” card in a deck of cards, because none of the cards have a massive face on them.
* Ep45: Ron believes Samantha has the world's best Owen Wilson impression, but its really just her saying “Wow!”
* Ep46: Ron probably has a warrant out for his arrest from parking tickets. He thinks parking tickets are just tickets that give you permission to park there.
* Ep47: Rons fact this week is a couple notes from his legal pad from last week: “Crack tree through. Greater good. Roots. From Erin. Okay. Good person?”
* Ep48: Ron had a series of laws that were not really laws enforced by Willy, like “its illegal to look in your dad’s briefcase” or “it’s illegal to ask your dad where he’s going”
* Ep49: Ron often makes New Year's resolutions, but he doesn’t usually follow through with them.
* Ep50: Ron has a diary, or as he refers to it, a journal.
* Ep51: Ron does not believe that only children can go to prison.
* Ep52: Ron’s favorite game show is Jeopardy because he relates to the answers being questions
* Ep53: Ron and Samantha never went on an official honeymoon. He thinks they've been on a permanent honeymoon because he likes honey and moon exists
* Ep54: At the end of the last episode Ron simultaneously wanted to say something witty and was also so shocked his jaw flew open and he bit his tongue real hard so he has a lisp for the moment.
* Ep55: Per last episode, when Ron was hiding in the books he found a book called “Meditation to Help When You’re In Pain From Biting Your Tongue, and Then How to Talk Like You Don't Have a Bitten Tongue” so he read that book and now he can talk without a little bit of a tongue lisp. It's still there, but not quite as bad.
* Ep56: (Via Will) Ron is fluent in Spanish. He learned this when he was a kid and stayed at home a lot watching telenovelas. However, Ron thinks Spanish is a fictional language like Elvish that they only speak in telenovelas.
* Ep57: (via Matt) Ron has never farted. This is actually just because he thinks farts are invisible poops. Bonus dad fact, Ron thinks all eggs are just eggs. Its just a surprise that they happen mostly by chickens.
* Ep58: Willy taught Ron the lesson “give a man a fish you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime”. He also never taught Ron how to fish.
* Ep59: When Ron and Samantha got married she asked him to sign an NDA… a new dad agreement-just to make sure that Ron checked off like “I will put Terry’s needs in front of my own) etc.
* Ep60: (Freddie came up with this one) Ron has a porn folder but it’s not his. It belongs to whoever tore it out of the magazine originally”
* Ep61: Ron has a little scar on the top of his head. His mom always told him it was from jumping on the bed but now he’s not sure.
* Ep62: Ron did in fact get the scar on his head from jumping on the bed.
* Ep63: Ron thinks every grain of sand is some long forgotten civilization.
* Ep64: Ron didn’t know what FOMO meant so he came up with new ideas: Fear of Musical Overtures, Facts on Mystery Orbs, First Of My Opportunities, Fist, Oral, Marriage, Orthodontist, Feet. Ow, My Orthotics, and Fucked On My Ottoman.
* Ep65: Samantha asked Ron to get pads exactly once, and he brought her back puppy pads.
* Ep66: Ron is lactose intolerant.
* Ep67: He really respected Glenn’s ability to be chill and to be cool and masculine. Ron respects Glenn as somebody who has an asymmetrical body part - Glenn has a huge arm and Ron has a huge dick.
* Ep68: Ron did not think of himself as a dad until “pretty recently.”
* S2Ep42: He could never be polyamorous, because he only met one girl named Polly and she wasn’t very nice.

## Trivia

* Ron doesn't like beer
* Ron has had at least two dogs in his life. Rogue and Dotty the Dachshund, both of whom he loved very much.