250: A Foil Bag of Cranks

## Summary

Batthwack is not convinced by Clegg's suggestion to revive Captain Clockface with the use of a crank, deciding to leave the Ricardo Ulysses automaton with him instead, by way of experiment. They seek a second opinion in *The Clock Shop*, where the proprietor insists that Clockface really seems to be more of a person than a clock. They also learn about the nefarious Sooty Gang, a band of ibish criminals who have been terrorizing Beartoggle.

## Synopsis

Will places a piece of paper on top of the "auto-writer" and cranks the handle. A skittering sound emanates from within the box, but the paper doesn't seem to move. Unsure if it's worked, Will lifts the box to discover that it's written the word "sample" on the shelf underneath. Grimacing with gritted teeth, Will looks over at Clegg to check he's still focusing on Captain Clockface. He is. Will places the piece of paper underneath the contraption and tries again. The same skittering sound is heard and when lifted up, the word "sample" is written on the paper.

Raphina is pretty impressed with this. Will wonders how you make it write other things. Checking underneath he discovers that inside the box is a rack of metal letters along one side, with slots up in the middle of the mechanism where they can be arranged. Currently the letters are arranged to spell out the word "sample". Then there are a lot of gears and cogs connected to a pen slotted inside. Will reckons there's space for about fifteen of these metal letters to be arranged into a word or phrase. He carefully *Prestidigitates* the writing off the shelf.

Meanwhile Clegg has been poking around inside Captain Clockface's body, turning him over and examining his joints. Noting the complexity of the mechanisms, he asks Batthwack if Clockface is a sculpture and if the dragonborn had constructed him himself. Batthwack explains that he did not and that Clockface was very much alive. Clegg says he thinks he understands how he moves and can get him running again, suggesting use of some *"long run crank technology"* he's been meaning to try out. Batthwack doesn't understand. Clegg says that they don't want to be cranking him every five minutes. Batthwack says that Clockface never needed cranking before and had apparently lived for hundreds of years without it. *"I don't want a crank. I want him to wake up,"* he says. Clegg says he can't wake him up without winding him up, and with his long run crank, and 20gp, that would only be necessary once a day or so. Batthwack says he's not worried about the money, but maybe whatever technology Captain Clockface's original maker used is just being Clegg. He says that maybe another store might be able to help.

Gwen approaches Batthwack and whispers to him in draconic, *"Maybe you need a higher power to bring him back. I don't feel that this is something that can be fixed with a crank."* She's concerned that Clegg might be able to restart Clockface, but perhaps he wouldn't be himself. Will pipes up to suggest they let Clegg work on the other automaton as an experiment.

Batthwack takes Captain Clockface off the counter and replaces him with the Ricardo construct. Will asks Clegg if this automaton is any different. Clegg takes a look, but immediately looks up with a serious expression on his face. *"Is this a joke? Is this is a prank? Are you seriously asking?"* Will says *"Alright, listen, clockbrain, none of us are clock aficionados, okay?"* Clegg reminds him that he does not deal in clocks, that's across the street. However, he says that the Ricardo automaton is of a similar mechanism, just not of the same quality, more rudimentary. Raphina asks if he's heard of Blinsky and Will mentions Fritz Von Weerg, but Clegg had heard of neither.

Taking note of how smitten Gwen is with her massager, and still thinking of some "alternative" uses for them, Will asks Clegg if the massager is a particular popular item. Clegg doesn't seem to cotton on to his facetious line of questioning, simply saying that many of his items sell well.

Gwen asks Clegg why he seems so serious and doesn't like silliness. Clegg answers, *"This is a place of business, not a place of frivolity."* Gwen says she managed to have a lot of fun at the same time as running her business, but Clegg points out that she's no longer in business. Will steps in to warn him against making Gwen angry and explains that her business was destroyed by Ricardo Ulysses. Clegg says he doesn't appreciate being told how to run his business, and it's a little tense for a moment.

Returning to the topic at hand, Clegg asks if they want him to reanimate their friend. Batthwack asks Will if he'd pay the 20gp. He's not sure about spending good money just to experiment on the Ricardo automaton. Batthwack says he'll pay for it, and if it goes well they might hire him to do the same for Captain Clockface. Will sends a *Message* to Batthwack in his head. *"What if he wakes this guy up and he goes and stabs him or something? We know nothing about this clock contraption."* Batthwack's response is surprisingly easy-going. *"Let's just see what happens. Life is unpredictable"* he says. Will says that Batthwack has clearly spent too much time with him.

Batthwack hands over the money and sighs. Clegg tells them that it'll be ready tomorrow. Gwen asks if he had enough money, which he did. Remembering her own surprise find, she asks Batthwack if he found he had more money than he thought. He's a bit confused by this and says he had the right amount of money. *"Okay, I don't know, I just I feel like my gold is multiplying."* *"Well that's a good problem to have," says Sheemie. Clegg asks if they want to buy anything else. Gwen says* "I'll see how this massager is and, you know, I might come back."

They're preparing to leave when Will spots a dog-petting mechanism, which he hadn't noticed before. They're halfway out the door when Clegg realises he doesn't know where they want him to add the crank. Against better judgement, Batthwack defers to Will, who immediately suggests putting it in *"the asshole place,"* because *"it'd be funny to see you crank up this guy in the buttock area."* Surprisingly, Clegg had no issues with that, saying it's actually a *"relatively convenient place to place it."* Will can't help slipping into character when he knows he's onto a good thing. He says, *"That is why I said that. Not for any humorous reason, because it is the most convenient place to put the crank. Good. Thank you. All right. Good day, sir."* Clegg says they can come back at any time tomorrow; his opening hours are 7am-7pm and he doesn't break for lunch.

Outside *Michael's Mechanisms*, Raphina asks Batthwack if he wants to get a second opinion on Clockface from *The Clock Shop*, which is across the street. She doesn't want to go personally, saying the clock shop is really boring. Batthwack agrees it couldn't hurt to see what they say in there, but he doesn't want to leave Clockface anywhere they aren't sure will be able to get the result they want.

In contrast to *Michael's Mechanisms*, *The Clock Shop* is very busy. There's a lot of people milling about, browsing the wares, but also the store is noisy with a cacophony of asynchronous ticking from the many clocks on sale. Occasionally, a chorus of chimes erupts as they all strike whatever hour it is in their own unique tone. Will notices a display case of pocket watches and is immediately drawn to it, but he stops himself, remembering that he needs to keep an eye on Batthwack and make sure no-one takes advantage of him. Batthwack looks around for a counter, spotting a small desk in the back, but there is currently no-one staffing it. He sees who he thinks might be the person running the store, helping a group of customers who are looking at some large grandfather clocks on the right side of the shop. Batthwack waits patiently (for now). The customers, who appear to be roommates studying at the Beartoggle University, look at two clocks in particular while a younger halfling woman, dressed in the same manner as Raphina, is excitedly explaining all the clocks' features. The two students appear to be trying to find a nice clock for the common space in the home that they share.

Eventually the halfling sees Batthwack waiting and scurries over. Batthwack explains again, *"I have this clockwork man. He seems to be injured, or he's not working"* and initially the halfling suggests they go to a healer, since the description was of a man. Batthwack takes out Captain Clockface's body to show her. She asks if there's a clock in him and Batthwack says he doesn't know. She listens to his body, hearing something. Batthwack explains how Clegg had only been able to suggest a crank, but that Clockface had been functioning normally as a man for hundreds of years prior to being injured in a magical fire. The halfling insists that he really sounds more like a person than a clock, which is her area of expertise. Batthwack says he's tried healing him, but it didn't work. *"I wonder if he needs to see someone who understands machines or clocks,"* he says.

Batthwack asks the halfling if she'd recommend Clegg, but she says she doesn't know him. According to her he stays in his store most of the time. She wonders if someone who has knowledge of magic can help, asking what kind of magic fire was involved. Batthwack seems a little embarrassed when recalling what happened. The halfling's only other suggestion is to speak to those at the university or perhaps the priests that are to be found in Highground.

She also says that there's *"some sort of shady magic stuff over in the Warrens. You've just got to watch out for the Sooty Gang."* The group look confusedly at each other, wondering if anyone knows what that means. The halfling explains they're a group of neer-do-wells, primarily ibish, who've been around for a while. *"You don't want to cross them"* she says. Will asks if they control the Warrens, and the halfling says they operate everywhere and the town guard aren't doing much about it. *"I don't know if you've heard, they're the ones that burned down the airship tower just last week."* Batthwack's heart sinks and he looks at Will.

Will asks how they would recognise the gang, and the halfling says the core of their membership is predominantly ibish of a white-feathered variety, and they move around in groups, wearing all black.

Thinking of gangs, Gwen asks the halfling if they've ever heard of *Tomorrow, Today!*. She knows them as a business up river from here, something to do with the *"town where the paper comes from"*. She doesn't think they operate here in Beartoggle. Will asks why she doesn't want to look at Captain Clockface, and the halfling insists that he seems like a person, so not something she could help with. Will tries to explain that he's mechanical, waggling one of his wooden arms at her, but the halfling says that it's beyond her expertise. Gwen says she had an idea, but she can't do it here. Will wonders if it has to do with the massager.

Raphina sighs and rolls her eyes. She can't take much more of the clock shop. *"I hate clocks,"* she says, but not wanting to hurt the halfling's feeling, quickly adds *"but yours are very lovely."* Raphina thanks the halfling for showing such compassion towards Captain Clockface. As they head out, Will asks her why she hates clocks so much. Raphina can't understand what he would like about them. He says they can help you get to meetings on time. Raphina explains that she doesn't like the way they tick and the way they take time away from her. She also says that she doesn't like numbers, which clocks have a lot of, so that's a problem.

*"Will, do you want this?"* says Sheemie casually as he reaches into his cloak and pulls out the auto-writer that Will had been looking at. Raphina gasps, but Will doesn't even hesitate and switches straight into bluff mode. *"Oh, thank you for holding on to the thing I bought from the store"* he says, looking around as he puts it in his bag. Sheemie winks dramatically.

Gwen asks Batthwack if he wants her to try her *Speak with Dead* spell on Captain Clockface. Batthwack's skeptical that it would work as he's convinced that Clockface's ticking means he's still alive, but says that she's welcome to try. She doesn't want to cast it in the middle of the street. Sheemie suggests getting a booth at the Tinker Tavern, which Gwen says sounds good; she could use a drink. Raphina says that the last time she was there she had a stomach ache, but she doesn't think it was the food they serve. Will hangs his head.

They make there way back through the crowded streets, past Smith's Weapons, and shortly reach the tavern. Heading inside they're overwhelmed by the sight of various tubes running everywhere throughout this establishment. They note that there are no staff waiting tables, but there are little private booths and these tubes of various sizes and colours run from each one up to the ceiling and then back into the back wall of the main room. The booths each have a curtain that can be drawn across. The group find an empty both of their own and settle in.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Alex. Will/KT is questioning Clegg/Eric about his lunch habits. *"Okay, what if you dropped some soup on the floor and you slipped in that?"* Clegg/Eric: *"I don't eat soup."* Will/KT: *"Okay what do you eat? Nothing? Cranks? Do you eat cranks? Okay, I need to leave before I start making more jokes."* Clegg/Eric: *"GET OUT!!"* Alex: *"He opens up a foil bag of cranks and begins to chew on them one by one."* KT: *"The weirdest guy ever."* Eric: *"Honey-roasted cranks."*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: heroic.

## References

1. ↑ See episode 220: Turtles Are Highly Flammable
2. ↑ KT suggests an ibish with white feathers possibly resembles a snowy owl, but points out that Will wouldn't know that!