Lord of the Dicks

*Original Bodyak's Books page.*

"I am the Dick Lord!"

**Lord of the Dicks** (also simply **LD**), called by some the **Dick Lord**, is one of the few gods left in the Omniverse after the Naikopocalypse.

Over the years, Lord of the Dicks has often changed his appearance, but in the form in which the reader first meets him, he resembles Darth Vader. He also usually speaks to people through a special filter that distorts his voice, and can, by will, turn it off or increase the intensity of distortion.

The Dick Lord has a halfgod brother.

## Personality

Lord of the Dicks is a truly neutral character. He has no friends or companions either in the Omniverse or in the god dimensions. He doesn't care about anything that has to do with mortals. LD often amuses himself by going down to some Realm and trolling ordinary people there. The only time Lord of the Dicks shows generosity is when, in **chapter VII** of "Path to Salvation", he gives Igor Lunik six million chromosomes.

The Dick Lord is characterised by ambition and his immeasurable love for power, wrath. He always strives to put those with whom he is talking on their knees or, at least, morally destroy the interlocutor, even if he is a god himself. This is also connected with the fact that LD is constantly accompanied by a mentally broken slave without a specified name.

Due to the fact that the Dark Lord has the ability to fundamentally change the structure of the Omniverse and pervert the structure of chromosomes, Lord of the Dicks began to beware and avoid him, because this ability threatens not only the Omniverse itself and ordinary mortals, but also the gods. LD managed to escape from the Naikopocalypse by hiding in an unknown dimension, while many other gods tried (to no avail) to destroy Lord Naiku. This also explains the fact that LD volunteered to help the protagonists in the book "Path to Salvation" in forming a plan to banish Naiku: his actions were not guided by kindness and a desire to help, but only by a personal goal and vendetta against the Dark Lord.

## First appearance

**This section contains spoilers. Proceed with caution.**

### Artyom's Adventures

Chronologically, Lord of the Dicks first appears in the first episode of "Artyom's Bizarre Adventures" titled "The Phantom Dick".

Arti Trif goes up to the thirteenth floor of a certain apartment complex and meets Lord of the Dicks together with his slave, who non-stop bows to him every two seconds. LD answers Arti's question with one of his signature phrases in a very distorted voice: *"I am the Dick Lord".* To Trif's next question, where he invites him to become his friend, LD replies that he will not just agree like that, and that Arti Trif *"can suck it basically".* After Trif performs the proposed fellatio, the Dick Lord confesses to his trolling, saying that he *"actually fucked him"*, then orders the slave to push Trif into the lift and send him down.

Subsequently, Lord of the Dicks learns that Arti Trif, it turns out, sucked out his entire supply of protein, which enrages the Lord. After that, he begins to really hunt Trif.

### Tales from the Omniverse

In the "Lock n' Load" series of chapters in the book "Tales from the Omniverse" Lord of the Dicks appears as a deuteragonist.

Adolf Hitler's Son first plans to build a time machine and gather the necessary coordinates in order to go back in time to Berlin in 1945 and resurrect/prevent his father's death. His research is intercepted by the Omniversal Time Police who task Agent 4 with eliminating Hitler's Son to prevent a time-space conundrum.

As Hitler's Son arrives to Berlin in the necessary time, he finds out his father didn't actually commit suicide, but was instead choked to death by a Russian assassin Oldman Maxim. After a brief fight with Maxim, Hitler's Son retreats. Agent 4 returns to his headquarters with a failure. Hitler's Son freezes himself in a time capsule.

In 2002, Lord of the Dicks accidentally stumbles upon the building where Hitler's Son's time capsule is located and wakes him up from stasis. The latter then offers the former to unite with him and help take over the entire world by forming the Super Duper Ultra Mega Cool Fourth Reich. The Dick Lord agrees, but creates a dastardly plan.

At some point, ten years later, having accomplished most of his goals, Hitler's Son is confronted by Lord of the Dicks, who says he's "tired of playing games". The Dick Lord confesses to having been using Hitler's Son for his own benefits, such as gaining chromosomes, but before the latter has a chance to object, LD assassinates him and hops to a different dimension. This time Agent 4 finds Hitler's Son's body and brings it back to the HQ. Subsequently, the Time Police erases this parallel universe and the time breach is contained.

## Abilities

No particular study on Lord of the Dicks' powers has been conducted as of now, however his most spectacular power is the ability to travel between realities and dimensions. This basically means that the Dick Lord can canonically appear in any universe (including Dimension 3--0, a.k.a. "real life"), although he completely loses all of his abilities (apart from immortality) when travelling outside of the Omniverse. When travelling across dimensions Lord of the Dicks usually trolls the inhabitants by confusing the fuck out of everybody around, but usually he just spectates. Lord of the Dicks doesn't, however, lose the power to distort one's perception of reality, albeit it is much harder for him to perform outside of his home dimension (Dimension 2--5, a.k.a. the Omniverse).

## Trivia

* Lord of the Dicks was invented completely by accident, having appeared initially as a filler character in the first series of the prototype of *"Artyom's Bizarre Adventures"* (*"M@therfucker's Adventures"*);
* The Dick Lord sometimes wields a red laser sword, which makes him look even more like Darth Vader;
* Despite rumors that LD has telekinetic powers, he actually does not have such abilities.

## Gallery

The Lord's original appearance in "M@therfucker's Adventures".The Dick Lord's slave, bowing to him.Demonstration of the Lord's power to distort other people's perception of reality.