ASM182 Remembering Rachel Held Evans

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on saturday may 4th 2019 we lost a hero of the christian faith rachel held evans [Music] i'm lucky enough to have called rachel a friend and to have known her personally and um i found out about her passing on my way to the los angeles international airport and uh that was a that was a tough flight and in the days that have passed since we lost her there have been some beautiful and moving tributes um really really beautiful tributes and i don't know if i have the talent and i definitely know i don't have the emotional capacity to create a tribute worthy of who rachel was although if you'd like to read some of those tributes i'll put them in the show notes this week on sciencemike.com um but i have this sense as i watch people mourn um online that rachel meant a lot to so many people but a relatively small number of us had the opportunity to know her personally and so my offering this week would just be to tell you a few stories of what it was like to know rachel held evans and if that's helpful for you as you process your grief and your sense of loss then this this episode is for you um if that if that makes you more upset to hear that um just stop this episode or if you don't know who rachel is uh now's a great opportunity to go back and read through her immense catalog of work because rachel was [Music] a profound generational voice for christianity i know of no one who did more to fight for equality and inclusion for all people in the christian tradition and in society at large than rachel but because she was so brilliant and because she was so witty and because she was so effective at making a point it seems like many people are left with the notion that she was some kind of warrior and i supposed in some sense that she was but my relationship and my experience with rachel was not as a warrior but as a kind thoughtful and gentle friend i want you to know what it was like to know her because i was lucky enough to know rachel and i adore her i don't hold anyone in higher esteem than i hold rachel and like so many of you i started as a fan of rachel and i mean a total over the top borderline inappropriate level of interest fan before i ever met or talked to rachel i'd read all of her blog post i'd read every word she'd put into print i'd read most if not all of her tweets i looked at all of her social media i subscribed to her email list rachel was so important to me because when i found rachel i was trying to figure out what kind of a faith i had i was a former atheist trying to figure out if my spirituality included jesus at all if the bible would play any role in my ongoing spiritual formation that's when i found rachel like many of you and i'm somewhat ashamed to say that rachel was the first public woman to be influential in how i understand theology what i mean is i had personal teachers in my life who were women but a tweet from rachel made me realize how white and how male my theological bookshelf was i'd never noticed before that it was because of rachel that i started to read more books written by women and women of color and people of color and lgbtq people and indigenous people every movement i made in my personal understanding and my personal study towards inclusion was initiated by learning from rachel like you as someone who followed her work not as someone who knew her personally but then we started the liturgist my friend michael gunger and i and our original vision for the liturgists was a large collective of people contributing and we had several meetings starting out to to try to talk to people about what we could do and uh very few people and by very few i mean no people other than michael and i were willing to try to do this weird thing to try to make resources around spirituality that didn't require specific theological beliefs and i recommend it to michael that we reach out to rachel held evans which uh i didn't know if that was possible or not i didn't know anything about the media industry christian or otherwise i didn't know how we would reach out to rachel but michael was able to and she agreed to talk to us on the phone and that would have been in early 2014 and i just have to tell you i was so nervous that i was mortified to be on that call as so often happens michael had to act as my emissary it's very funny to me that michael a self-professed and self-described introvert so often has to act as our public face because i get so incredibly shy and as we were on the phone talking and i could hear rachel's voice it was so surreal i could not believe that i was talking to rachel held evans and so when it became my turn to say something on the call i breathlessly and rapidly described how much rachel's work meant to me so breathlessly and so rapidly that what i said was completely unintelligible and so there was like a long silence uh after i don't know if it was 20 seconds or five minutes honestly uh then there's a about a five count silence and rachel said i think there might be something wrong with the connection because i didn't get any of that and uh i took a deep breath and i said oh sorry i was just saying that your work has meant a lot to me and so we talked about what we were trying to do and rachel uh was immediately supportive and the first person to ever say yes to contributing something to the work of the liturgist rachel was the first person to say yes that piece uh was uh released in our our second uh liturgy release called garden that was around easter in 2014 and her piece was the saturday piece holy saturday when in the christian tradition we understand christ to be in the tomb and hope to be lost and she uh recorded a vocal version of a piece she'd already written for the doubters and it was oh it was beautiful it was really beautiful but what struck me about working with rachel immediately was just how down-to-earth and low-key she was i was it was so obvious she did no way saw herself as a celebrity she not only did not demand deference she was opposed to it and i have a very shy and awkward manner sometimes interpersonally especially when i respect people and rachel took on the work of creating a friendship with me later that year in november rachel is going to be speaking at a conference in a small town in north georgia and it happened that jenny and i were going to be vacationing there at the same time so i reached out to rachel and said i'd love to meet you and she said yeah why don't you come up to this conference and i mean it was a small really small church conference and so we did we drove up to this little retreat center and sat in a very small room as rachel taught um read from a manuscript a lot and then and then shared some thoughts and answered some questions and rachel asked me how my work was going in other words science mike right at this point i was still mostly an advertising person i had my own very small blog but my blog was mainly a way to facilitate lunch dates with people i i really cared about meeting with people one-on-one so if they had a thing they were afraid to tell anyone in their faith they could tell me and i didn't know what to do about it i just wanted them to feel like they weren't alone i told rachel that's kind of what i was about and she was asking me what you know how i handled speaking events and i told her people just emailed me and i go she asked me what i charge and i said you know um i usually take unpaid vacation day so i usually just ask for a day's salary plus travel and she said that that was very beautiful but that i needed to charge enough at least to be able to take care of my family and the time it took to prepare to give a talk and she asked who represented me and i didn't even know what that meant so she connected me with jim chafee who represented her in speaking and jim managed my speaking career for many years and as a dear friend and she talked to me about books and book writing and really mentored me and didn't just mentor me offered her connections and her influence in a way that helped my platform as it were get off the ground and she did that for so many people mostly women mostly people of color mostly queer people and rachel's intense advocacy for marginalized people has led some people to say she was anti-man or anti-white but i'm a white man and rachel helped platform me i don't know anyone who so effectively helps so many voices rise into public dialogue i don't know anyone who has helped so many voices because of rachel's example i've tried to be a person who lifts and elevates other voices and it takes more than willingness it takes skill i don't know how she did it she knew because of her brilliance and her way with people how to get the right people to pay attention the right editors and agents and publishers and speaking agents she could activate networks in a way that was totally counter to her personality you would associate that that kind of networking skill with someone who is far less genuine and honest and humbled at rachel i mean think about how many voices out there i think about how many voices who've changed the way i see the world who found their way into public dialogue because of rachel and i'm one of them so we had some wonderful conversations that weekend i got to meet dan her husband for the first time oh man and dan is wonderful dan is wonderful he's a fellow nerd really into code and development but thoughtful and kind and i was struck with how their marriage together modeled something important rachel and dan demonstrated what egalitarian marriage could look like what a new script for a husband and a wife could be free of predetermined gender roles and instead two people working together in mutual support respect affection and admiration towards not just living life but living life well and to not just loving each other but loving others well we had such a good uh interaction together that rachel ended up hiring jenny my wife as her assistant and i can't speak for jenny but i do know from what janie has told me that working with rachel meant a lot to her that in some way she got to feel a part of the world-changing work that rachel did and it's hard to say did in a past tense there [Music] so rachel was the first yes the liturgist ever had and she started contributing before we had a podcast at all to that liturgy called garden but her first podcast appearance was episode number four that's pretty early she was the second guest we ever had on the podcast pete enz was the first [Music] and michael and i commented after recording that episode how much fun we had talking with rachel how naturally and easily the conversation unfolded and what profound insights surfaced because rachel was involved [Music] with considerable respect to everyone else who's ever appeared on the liturgist podcast i will confess that rachel was my favorite guest of all time because there are very few people that both michael and i find such a natural and easy conversation with she was just so bright so brilliant and yet so compassionate at a time when i felt drawn towards cynicism towards anger towards perhaps a desire to just throw out the whole christian thing rachel showed me what jesus looked like starting at episode four and then she was on every single season of the liturgist podcast after that and we'd already started talking about how she'd be involved in season five she told us that she was finally open to being a more regular contributor you've got to know that michael and i are the first person that we asked to co-host the liturgist podcast with us was rachel and every time we talked to her we'd say are you ready to come co-host the podcast yet and she told us that she was ready to start being on there more regularly that she appreciated the work that we do and she loved meeting liturgists at her events who would talk to her about things she'd said on the air with us oh gosh i love her the last time that i was with rachel in person was at her conference evolving faith last year she and sarah bessie put that on and they really tried to show what an inclusive truly inclusive gathering of christians could look like i've never seen a lineup for any event like that when i've never been to an event so powerful sarah and rachel hosted and deferred they found powerful beautiful voices both within and on the periphery of the christian tradition and highlighted them i always get really embarrassed when people introduce me before i speak i'm i'm not entirely sure why although i'm learning but i experience a really severe sense of embarrassment even shame when people read from my bio or introduce me as popular or liked or whatever that's my work to do but i only tell you that because i remember when rachel introduced me that evolving faith that i did not feel ashamed i felt special and loved for some reason rachel's affection didn't bring out the shame or the fear of rejection that most people's affection does and i think it's because she was so steadfast so non-coercive rachel never wanted anything from you for those of us with communication challenges if you didn't call or text for a long time that was fine but she was happy to hear from you when you did walking up on that stage after rachel introduced me was the high point of the whole science mic thing for me i felt like a supporting player at a conference headlined by jeff chu and austin channing brown and i was just so happy to be included among that number at the end of evolving faith we shared communion with all the attendees and those of us who had spoken or shared from the platform served communion and rachel and our friend cindy and i served together and if you know me you know the major role that the table plays in my faith that the reason i'm science mike and the reason i'm a christian is because my friend rob bell once held a piece of bread to me and said this is the body of christ broken for you and so i view it as actually the most sacred important and holy thing that i do is offering the same to others especially those who have been told they're not allowed to have it atheists pagans spiritually ambiguous folks queer people marginalized people that family meal at the table of christ so i was secretly beaming with pride that one of the people in my life who i have most respected and loved and admired was standing with me to share the good gift and that night we were all gathered in a little conference room eating pizza there's this amazing community with all kinds of sexualities and gender identities and ethnic and racial presentations and identities led by women and i realized that rachel had placed me into a community that i dreamed of but didn't imagine would ever exist in my lifetime an open inclusive egalitarian christian community many people myself included spend a lot of energy describing what the church should be but very few of us actually start to build it [Music] what i remember most about rachel is not her tweets or her blog posts or even her books what i will remember about rachel was her friendship and her unwavering commitment to building real community in flesh and in blood i will miss rachel for the rest of my life [Music] but thanks to her i also hold out us hope that one day i might see her again rachel i love you i miss you and don't worry there's a lot of us here for dan and your wonderful children you