Has Anyone Seen My Zelda?/Transcript

The full verbal transcript of the episode.

## Script

(*Theme song plays*)

(*The episode begins with Carl brewing a potion in the basement.*)

**Carl:**And we just add some pomegranate juice...or is it salamander blood? (*He just shrugs and adds a little of both. This makes the potion explode all over the basement, getting gooey magenta stuff everywhere.*) Well, guess I should have added just one...

(*Suddenly, Zelda comes running down the basement stairs and scowls at Carl.*)

**Carl:**(gives a Susana from Havana cheesy smile at her) Heeheeheeheeeheehee! You're looking very nice tonight, Zelda! Is that a new evening gown for that restaurant you and Hilda are going to?

**Zelda:**(deadpan) I'm in my bathrobe, Carl. Did YOU make this mess?

**Carl:**Yeah...you're unhappy, aren't you?

**Zelda:**Aunt Zelda isn't unhappy...In fact, she's...EXTREMELY TICKED OFF!!! Why are you even up this late? What's my rule about staying up too late?

**Carl:**"Staying up late is bad for your skin, and it makes you irritable, and ruins your appetite. "

**Zelda:**I won't allow it! Now, get to your room and into your pajamas and bathrobe this instant, while I pick bones with your aunt Hilda and sister!

(*Zelda marches up the stairs and into Sarah's room, holding a stack of papers. Sarah, who is in an icy blue nightie, gives the same cheesy smile Carl gave her while she looks at the papers.*)

**Zelda:**Do you know what this is?

**Sarah:**The...credit card bill?

**Zelda:**Yes! The credit card bil!! I never paid for all of this, but used my debit card a lot, but that makes sense. Why did you spend all of this money with the house credit card?

**Sarah:**I can't help it, Zelda. What's your excuse?

**Zelda:**(looking offended) That was uncalled for! You shirked your responsibility with the credit card! And speaking of responsibilities...HILDEGARD!!

(*Hilda walks in Sarah's room in her bathrobe.*)

**Hilda:**Yeah, big sis?

**Zelda:**(*with a fake smile on her face*) Do you know what Mom's rhyme about chores is?

**Hilda:**How could I not? Mom spanked it into us!

**Zelda:***"I do mine, and you do yours. Everyone..."*

**Girls:***"Must do their chores! "*

**Zelda:**Good job, little sis and niecy-poo! Now, Hilda, what chores did I give you?

**Hilda:**Well, (*counts on her fingers*) do the dinner dishes, water the plants, especially the Venomous Tentacula, tell Carl a nightly bedtime story while you tell one to Sarah, then we alternate weeks, and vacuum the house.

**Zelda:**And you forgot to water the Venomous Tentacula for three days now! You made me do it, and I had to swear out loud because it seized my arm!

**Hilda:**(*giving the same cheesy smile that her nephew and niece gave Zelda*) Heeheeheeheeheehee!

(*Scene fades from Hilda's cheesy smile to her, Carl and Sarah in Carl's room, discussing more about the situation.*)

**Carl:**(*singing a section from Supertramp's "School"*) *Don't do this!*

*And don't do that!*

*What is she trying to do?*

*(mimicking Zelda with a wig of her hair and a pair of her glasses) Make a good boy of you.*

*(normal voice while taking his wig and glasses off) Do you know where's it's at?*

*Don't criticize!*

*I'm old and wise!*

*Do as I tell you to!*

*I don't want Zhan Tiri to*

**Carl, Sarah and Hilda:***Come and pull out your eyes!*

**Hilda:**My big sister is turning into a total control freak! Big on the freak!

**Carl:**I can't believe Zelda grounded us for the whole weekend! No going to other kingdoms, no band practice, no friends!

**Hilda:**And she grounded her own sister, when she knows I'm an ADULT!! Seriously, I'm 33; I haven't been grounded since 1996, when I was fifteen. And that was because I ruined your grandma's wedding dress while playing "Wedding" with your mother and her first boyfriend who wasn't you two's dad.

**Carl:**What did you do?

**Hilda:**I accidentally spilled grape juice all over the dress when I was playing bridesmaid. It was stained purple, and boy, was your grandma mad! She spanked me like I was never spanked before, and I was grounded for a month! Who knew our mom would go ballistic if one tiny stain got on her wedding dress?

**Carl:**Ouch! See, and grounded makes you hate to break the bad news to your friends...

**Sarah:**Do you know how embarrassing it was to tell Belinda I couldn't have the sleepover we planned for tomorrow?

**Hilda:**Oh well, at least you kids can still go to the library tomorrow!

(*Zelda pops in the room with a toothbrush in her right hand.*)

**Zelda:**I didn't say you couldn't go there. That's a yes. (*walks away*)

**Carl:**Seriously, Zelda was definitely my age once, and she must have forgotten to have good clean wholesome innocent fun!

(*Zelda overhears this while brushing her teeth in the master bathroom and looks sad.*)

**Hilda:**I'm sleeping with you tonight, Carl! Anything to get away from that four-eyed control freak! But first, to brush up! (*She takes out her toothbrush and puts it in her left hand, then walks to the bathroom and starts brushing.*)

**Sarah:**(*walking out of Carl's room*) Maybe Zelda's not my real aunt! I must have been adopted!

**Zelda:**(*snatches Sarah and bends her over her knee on her bed*) I am too your mother's real older sister! And for bad-mouthing me like that, you're getting a spanking!

(*Zelda spanks Sarah while she screams. When she is finished, Sarah trudges to her room while rubbing her sore butt.*)

**Zelda:**Hilda! Come to bed!

**Hilda:**(*from Carl's room*) I'm sleeping with Carl tonight!

(*Zelda looks even sadder when she hears this, and the scene transitions to the next morning. Carl and Sarah come down the stairs in their pajamas, but don't see any pancakes, eggs or sausage. Hilda is getting out the Frosted Mini-Wheats, milk and oranges.*)

**Carl:**Where's Zelda? I'm getting a bad feeling about this!

**Hilda:**She left a note. Read it. And the note on the counter I read told me to just give you cereal this morning.

(*Carl takes the note from Hilda.*)

**Carl:***"Dear Hilda, Carl and Sarah,*

*Since you are all so dissatisfied with the way I run this house, I'm going away for the whole weekend."*

**Sarah:**(*gasps*) Aunt Zelda's run away from us??

**Carl:**(*continues reading note*) *"In my place, a qualified French maid from Rolante will be working with you. She may be a hottie-hot-hottie, but respect her like you would me! And in case you're wondering, I'm at the doctor's office tonight and tomorrow I'm going to relax. If you ever need me, just sing the song attached to the note from the top of Princess Aurora's castle.*

*Sincerely,*

*Zelda Weaver."*

**Hilda:**Wait! How do we know my big sister really wrote this note?

**Carl:**Hang on...there's a P.S.... (*reads the last part of the note*)

"*P.S. Hilda, if you try to force your way out of the house...Gods help you. The knights show up and you WILL be arrested."*

**Family:**Definitely Zelda!

(*The doorbell rings and Carl answers the door. A very cute woman in a French maid outfit is at the door.*)

**Carl:**HELLOOOOOOO, FRENCH NURSE!!

**Fifi:***Bonjour, mes amies! Je m'appelle Fifi LeFou.*That means "Hello, friends! I am Fifi LeFou" in French!

**Family:** *Bonjour, Fifi!*

**Fifi:** After breakfast, you will please go to ze libraree. Then, I will give you a leest of chores to do for ze day, and I will cook ze dinner. Sound *bien*?

**Sarah:** *Très bien, Fifi. Très bien.*

**Hilda:** Wow! You must have read a French book!

**Sarah:**Yeah I did! Now let's worry about breakfast.

(*The family ears breakfast while Fifi hums "Frere Jacques" while preparing the chore list for the day. Later on, the family has their library sacks around them, their clothes on and ready to leave.* )

**Carl:**We'll be back, Mademoiselle Fifi!

(*As the family walks out the door, Fifi makes a sly, evil look at the chore list she made.*)

**Fifi:***Sacre Bleu!*So that woman, girl and boy think they can be lazy all day, *oui? Pourquoi?*Once I have them doing chores until dinnertime, they'll be singing a different song, just like ze last thirty naughty families I worked for and made do ze chores!! (*maniacal laughter*)

(Commercial Break)

(*After commercials, the family returns from the library, while Fifi is making their lunch.*)

**Fifi:**Ah, *mes amies*have returned! For ze lunch, you will have chicken cordon bleu sandwiches on croissants, ze Fritos twists in ze cabinet, a fruit salad and ze glasses of ze Berry Cherry Kool-Aid. And after lunch... (*starts dropping her false niceness and gets an evil grin on her face*) YOU WILL WORK, WORK, WORK UNTIL ZE DINNER!!!

**Carl:**Can't *you*do the chores, Fifi?

**Fifi:***Non!*You must learn to do ze chores ze right way, by yourselves! And after dinner, we will watch a movie.

**Carl:**Oh boy! Movies!!

**Fifi:**It will be a *très bien*movie set in Paris, where you will learn about ze value of *travail dur*and how there are those that are *moins chanceux*than you three! Ever watch *Madeline; Lost in Paris?*

**Sarah:***THAT* MADELINE MOVIE?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOO! (*Sarah's no echoes off the walls*)

**Fifi:***Oui-oui!*So after dinner, get your *peignoirs*on, Monsieur Carl and Mademoiselle Hilda, and you, Mademoiselle Sarah, put your *chemise de nuit*on, and I will make *les bonbons*, so we can watch *le film Madeline!*I will be in my *chemise de nuit,* ze movie will begin at 8:00 sharp, I will ask questions about ze movie after it ends at 9:30 and *heure du coucher*will be at 10:00!

**Sarah:**You're basically gonna torture us midway through the film with the lace factory parts?

**Fifi:***Exactement! Précisément!*And even *indubitablement!*Now eat your *déjeuner*! (*gives them a phony-baloney nice smile*) *Bon appétit...*my housework servants!!! (*cackles as she walks into the living room*)

**Carl:**I can't believe this!! She is such a puffed-up, power-hungry old Madame LeCroque!!

**Sarah:**(*shivering at the mention of her name*) Don't...mention...that...name...

**Hilda:**Maybe she'll lighten up if we do a good enough job! And I want to do the nice way before the Carl way.

(*Scene transitions to the living room, where the last of the chores is officially finished, just before dinner. Carl looks exhausted as he uses the vacuum hose in the corners, Sarah is shivering thinking about Madame LeCroque while wiping down the walls and Hilda is also exhausted as she polishes the furniture. Soon, the three are on the couch with Fifi talking to them in her fake nice voice.*)

**Fifi:***Merci*, you alll! Your chores are done for ze day! Now for dinner, I will be making ze homemade cheese fondue with ze baguette cubes for an appetizer, hot roast beef sandwiches *a la Cucuface* with Camembert for Monsiuer Carl and Mademoiselle Hilda and ze horsey sauce for Mademoiselle Hilda and *je*, *pommes frites*or as you call zem, ze French Fries, and ze stuffed mushrooms *a la Clavel*. Now, go upstairs and take your rest before dinner, *mes amies,*because we still have *le film Madeline* and *bonbons*at 8:00, two hours after *dîner*. *Dois-je être clair?*

**Family:***Oui, Mademoiselle Fifi!*

**Fifi:***Très bien! Renvoyés**!***

**Sarah:** I like to know about how the magic Wand of Niceness works...

**Hilda:** Niecy-poo, you said we'd do it the nice way first!

**Sarah:** I don't really care anymore! She'll just be mean again tomorrow during chores and tonight during...(*shudders*) She's worse than Aunt Zelda ever was!

**Carl:** I agree! This calls for drastic measures! We did it the nice way, now we do it the Carl way!

**Hilda:** That's right, neffy-poo! No more Miss Nice Witch!!

(*Scene transitions to later that evening, where Carl-wearing his bathrobe and night clothes-sneaks by the guest room where Fifi is sleeping in her nightie and hair curlers. He signals for Hilda and Sarah-wearing their bathrobe and icy blue nightie respectively-to come down the stairs. Sarah is clutching Katrina's jar while Hilda is holding a book of spell recipes and Fifi's hairbrush. The next transition shows the family getting the ingredients into Katrina's jar.*)

**Hilda:** (*reading from the book*) A pinch of sugar!

**Sarah:** (*pouring a pinch of sugar into the jar*) Pinchy pinchy pinchy pinchy!

**Hilda:** Cinnamon and other sweet spices!

**Carl:** (*pouring a tsp. of each spice into the jar*) Cinnamon, nutmeg, allsipce, cocoa powder, ginger and two vanilla beans! A tisp of each!

**Hilda:** And last but not least, something nice! And I have just the thing! (*Hilda reaches into her bathrobe and grabs a box of red heart chocolates*)

**Carl:** Ooh! What else you got in there?

**Hilda:** HEY!! Never, EVER ask about what's in a woman's bust! I told you that a million times!! (*calming down*) Anyway, this box of chocolates was given to me from my first boyfriend, back in '94. Hoo boy, Mom and Dad showed him the video of baby me swimming in the bathtub naked! Whoof! (*She adds it to the jar.*)

**Carl:** (*blows kiss*) G'night, everybody!

(*Katrina's jar foams and bubbles, then a loud POOF! summons a wand with a flower-shaped pink headpiece.*)

**Hilda:** Viola!! Lady and gentleman, may I present the Wand of Niceness! Guaranteed to make anyone nice!

**Katrina:** Just be careful not to use too much of it, Mistress Sarah's Aunt Hilda! Using that much of the wand will take its toll on you!

**Carl:** What should we use the wand on, Aunt Hilda?

**Hilda:**Why, her hairbrush, of course!

**Carl:**Okay... (*waves the wand and says the rhyme*)

*Yummy candy and sticky rice*

*Make our maid Fifi really nice!*

(*The wand shoots a purple energy beam at the hairbrush.*)

**Hilda:**When Fifi  brushes her hair tomorrow morning, she'll love us!

*(Meanwhile, in the side of town in the doctor's office, Zelda is looking for the job.*)

**Zelda:** Now, where is that patient with Wiccan pox? She has to be in...(*looks in Room 301*) There she is! (*goes into the room and greets the young lady*) Why, hello! You must be Lacey! I'm Dr. Weaver, your family doctor.

**Lacey:** Hi there! I have bad Wiccan pox, and it's making it hard for me to do much of anything...

**Zelda:** I know, Lacey. Lucky for you, I'm going to prescribe a cure: PoxRid! It cures most Wiccan pox and chicken pox, and I can brew it in my basement on Monday.

**Lacey:** Thanks, Dr. Weaver!

**Zelda:** Any time, Lacey.

(*The next morning, the family wakes up to find that Fifi is already making breakfast, but is smiling very widely in a nice way. Hilda notices that the spell worked when they put it in her hairbrush the previous night so that she would become nicer when she brushes her hair.*)

**Fifi:** *Bonne matiiiiin, Coopers!* Here is ze breakfast: *crêpes cœur à la noix de coco de Madeline!* (*serves them heart-shaped coconut pancakes*) And today is ze Sunday, so no chores today! *Non!* Instead, you may stay in your *peignoirs et chemise de nuit* and we can do ze fun today! I stayed in my *chemise de nuit!*

**Carl:** Ah, so Fifi understands the concept of Sundays, eh?I

**Sarah:**I think the spell worked! Let's test it out... (*turns to Fifi*) Hey Fifi, may we go to Nagoya for lunch today?

**Fifi:**Of course, Mademoiselle Sarah! *Avec plaisir!*

**Carl:**Oh, and can we not watch *Madeline: Lost in Paris*for movie night tonight?

**Fifi:***Pas de problème, Monsieur Carl!*I invited LeAnn over so we can watch Disney movies all day today!

**Carl, Sarah and Hilda:**It worked! (*all start cheering*)

(Commercial Break)