Hard as the Rocks

***Hard as the Rocks*** is the title of the third chapter of Belinda Blinked 6, and is the chapter covered in the third episode of the sixth season of *My Dad Wrote a Porno*, released on 7 June 2021.

## Description

*Safely in Sydney, Belinda finally reunites with some of her old friends and finds things have changed while she's been missing.*

## Featured Characters

*(In order of appearance):*

* Belinda Blumenthal
* Señor Zip (first appearance)
* The Duchess
* The PM (mentioned only)
* Herr Wolfgang Bisch (mentioned only)
* Mr Hushman (mentioned only)
* Bella Ridley
* Des Martin (mentioned only)
* Tony Sylvester (mentioned only)
* Sir James Godwin (mentioned only)
* Gunda, disguised as a barmaid
* Giselle Sylvester

## Featured Locations

* Sydney, Australia
* The Rocks, Australia
* Shangri La Hotel (mentioned only)
* London, UK (mentioned only)
* The Clink (mentioned only)
* Steele's Pots and Pans Headquarters (mentioned only)

## Introduction

*(Prior to starting the chapter, Team Porno discuss:)*

* Jamie becoming a godfather to his second godchild (after *Footnotes* guest Dan Schneider's child)
* James apparently not knowing the names of his four godchildren and not wanting to have to take them on if their parents die
* Alice never having been asked to be a godparent, but the fact that she would make a good one because she's rich

## Synopsis

Belinda is loving the sexy Sydney life in Australia when a mysterious man in a hat asks her for directions to the Rocks in Spanish. Belinda, despite apparently knowing some Spanish, is stumped and screws up her face to as central a position in her skull as possible and hums for several minutes, prising the A-Z map from the man's white knuckles and directing him to the Rocks. She says that she's staying at the Shangri La Hotel as it has a great bar and great views (from the postcards). The man blinks at her many times and Belinda decides to escort the man to the Rocks herself in song, singing "Águas de Março" by Elis Regina and Tom Jobim with him along the way. Belinda thinks that their timing is worth a nightclub act.

When the two reach the Rocks, the man points to the wall of stones where a boulder rolls to one side, revealing the entrance to a deep and dark cavern. The man says that Belinda has a very important meeting with a very important person inside - Belinda wonders if it's Jesus, but dismisses the idea as Easter Sunday is weeks away. She bids the man g'day and crawls through the cave, admiring the moist and grudgingly phallic stalactites and stalagmites which she thinks look like they drip willy lotion or long-lost lube. She briefly wonders if a quick jiggly up a mite would break Sydney's public indecency laws but is in too much of a hurry to consider the idea. Despite this, when she comes across a pool that looks like it has a sandstone and granite base with inflections of quartz, she strips to her sight-seeing bra and revealing thong and prances and splashes in the pool to her heart's delight, doing butterfly laps along the pretty waterway. As she swims along the stone of the pool soon becomes glass and she soon climbs out into a carpeted office suite; she slumps into a big leather armchair and surveys the room around her, where she sees The Duchess peering up at her from the gallery (as is becoming a regular thing). The Duchess descends the stairs to greet Belinda, informing her that the man in the hat is called Señor Zip. Belinda is impressed that the overall Head of British Intelligence seems to know everyone. Zip is The Duchess' gadget geek and she tells Belinda that if she can show a lost tourist the way to the Rocks she would be good enough to defend the PM. The Duchess reveals that Señor Zip has left a hamper of gifts in Belinda's quarters.

The Duchess leads Belinda into a tiled bunker with Moroccan influences and Belinda immediately throws her down - however, the Duchess misses the beanbag and bruises her hip, but who cares? The two of them strip and down and recline like models waiting to be painted by Botticelli. Belinda asks if they are alone, to which the Duchess responds that there are cameras everywhere. Belinda asks her to punish her asscheeks - the left is perky, the right peachy, and the Duchess bites into them. Belinda turns her upside down and licks her lady layers to the ends of the earth. 2 hours later, with the Duchess weeping sweat from all key areas she says to Belinda that she needs to know the facts before Belinda leaves her a throbbing husk. Out of respect, Belinda removes her finger from her hole as the Duchess tells her that the Trioxy-Brillo range blueprints were stolen from the Clink (despite never being actually stated as having ever been there) by a background goon named Mr Hushman. Herr Bisch is too far away to get his own paws on them but Mr Hushman, who has always been on the quiet side of life, is selling the blueprints on the black market. The Duchess shakes Belinda from her shoulders down to her toes, asking her if she understands what's at stake here - if she fails in her mission to recover the blueprints at any cost, Steele's would be over along with her career.

The next morning, Bella (who apparently knows where Belinda is despite her being presumed dead) arrives at Sydney to pick her up, buying some duty free while she's there too. As Bella reveals that she is now the International Sales Director of Steele's, Belinda reels from this news and demolishes the minibar at the Shangri La Hotel coming to terms with the information. However, she is a social animal at heart and becomes the bigger person, suggesting to Bella that they get drunk on the harbour that morning. Bella responds with an emphatic yes, having spent the flight over there terrified of Belinda's wrath. An attractive barmaid comes up to them and asks what they want - Belinda says "Chards, of course" and Bella orders a bottle for each of them. Twisting her hair nervously, Belinda asks about her status in the company, to which Bella responds that since she has been presumed dead she isn't on the employee register anymore - although she is apparently on temporary staff with a salary of £10,000 per annum without bus privileges. As Belinda stresses about this dramatic change in her career path, she spots somebody across the bar whom she thinks is the G in Glee Team. Belinda blinks.

## Notes

* At the mention of Jesus in this chapter, James wonders if Belinda Blinked is an allegory for the Bible with Belinda as the Messiah, Giselle as Judas and Sir James Godwin as King Herod.
* During this chapter Alice accidentally said Rocky's real name but it was edited out of the broadcast.
* At the end of the chapter, wondering if Señor Zip will return at some point, James said that he doesn't think Zip will come back because he has "Betty Wilkes written all over him".