TWISTS and TURNS

**Date Started:** 11 December, 2021
**Date Completed:** Ongoing
**Users Involved:** User:DazzlingEmerald,User:Sir Ice Man
**Setting:** Seireitei, 13th Division Barracks
**Characters Involved**: Ichijou Tomohide, Sakata

It was a bright and sunny day. Which could have only meant one thing: Ichijou Tomohide was in the barracks of the Thirteenth Division helping himself to the team's sake stash. The 6th Seat was sitting down with his legs crossed, Zanpakuto sheathed at his waist. In his hand he held a large bowl while sitting before him was a tall gourd, presumably housing large sums of alcohol.

Other Shinigami from the division, a cast consisting of mostly unseated members who admired Ichijou for his much higher ranking, sat around the area finding entertainment in the way their superior conducted himself.

Mere feet away from Ichijou was a woman looking over reports of a case she has been investigating. This was the former 10th Seat officer, currently operating under the codename Sakata. She had recently been promoted to the 7th Seat due to the former 7th Seat going missing in action in the Human world. In fact, it was the disappearance of her predecessor that Sakata was investigating. Exhausted by her study of reports, she put the papers away and indulged in her favorite activity, Jinzen. She sat cross-legged and put on her lap her Zanpakutō. *Yo, mutt.*

*Yo, bitch.* She heard the astringent voice of her sword's ghost echo in her mind.

*A most peculiar case this is.*

*What is so peculiar about Shinigami disappearing in conflicts against Hollows?*

*You know what!*

*Yeah, you bitch, I know. I am surprised nobody else is investigating it.*

*As am I!*

Meanwhile, Ichijoi clanked his bowl against others; cheers. He and the many other memebrs of their division were having a party in broad daylight. They had no shame whatsoever. "Wahaha! That's the spirit, boys!" Ichijou cheered. "That's it, that's it! Drink to your heart's content!" Sharp eyes pinpointed the studious Sakata. "Don't be like that boring waste of a Shikahusho over there!"

The others broke out into laughter.

The sword's ghost spoke to Sakata. *I think someone is talking to you.*

*What?*

*I said, someone is talking to you.*

*Oh.*

Sakata opened her eyes and turned to the 6th Seat, and spoke in a very rough tone, “Oh. Yo. Well, hello, there, whoever you are. I must say, I do not like how you interrupted me. I was really enjoying meself.”

She pulled out a cigar out of her robes and, with a snap of her fingers, lit it up. She took a large puff and exhaled. She did not exactly pay mind to being the butt of jokes. There was hardly anything she would pay mind to, in fact.

The crowd was stunned. Who was this random girl? How could she possibly claim to not know the 6th seat? Ichijou's eyes widened. For a second he felt nervous. A bead of sweat trickled down his face. How dare she?

"Stop the cap! Everyone knows my name! Don't you know a damn thing, woman?! Names with "Ichi" in them are regarded for their power! I am Ichijou Tomohide! Sixth Seat of the 13th Division!" His eyes narrowed. "State your name. And seat."

“Cap?” Sakata raised a brow, “I do not even know what that means. Just saying, I really, really, *really* do not think that names have anything to do with power. Especially, ones named Ichi. Otherwise, the Commander would be named so, and the Kenpachi would be titled the Ken'ichi. Also, back in the day, I chopped down a guy named Ichiro, just saying. Any who, I am not at liberty to tell you my name, so you can call me Sakata. 7th Seat.”

"You got a pretty big mouth for a 7th seat." Ichijou grinned. "Just like the last one. What's the deal with that seat? You guys think you own the place or somethin', huh?!" He beated his chest with a closed hand. "Listen up! Here in the Gotei 13 the only thing that matters is your name and your seat!" He stuck his index finger out and pointed at Sakata. "You! I'm a higher seat than you are so that means you're my inferior! You understand what that means, don't you? It means I'm the one in charge around here!"

“Eh! Ey!” spoke Sakata, “You are literally only one seat above me. In the times since the Vanishing, that barely matters. Also, I take first impressions to heart super-fast, and I think that you are a foolish fool. And here,” Sakata pointed to her head, “in the mind of the supes cool Sakata, that is what matters.” *No, that is not what matters*, the sword's ghost spoke. “Shut up, dog, boss is talking,” Sakata turned back to Ichijou, “As I was saying. First impressions, and mine of yours is that you are a foolish fool, and I have lopped off tons of you and more and better back in the day.”

"W-What the?" Ichijou gave her a pointed look, as if he had witnessed some gruesome scene. "Were you talking to yourself just now? Nevermind." He shook his head and waved her off, dismissively. Then as he opened his eyes, he was reminded of his responsibilites. "7th Seat. Do you plan on sitting around here all day? Or would you like to assist me on a mission?"

The crowd grew silent as their superior suddenly mentioned a mission. What could it possibly entail?

“A mission, eh? Sure. Why not? …You were just here, drinking sake to your heart's intent, just goofing around. Is that what you do during mission time? Oh, my, you are miserable.”

He closed his eyes and shrugged in a nonchalant manner. "Hey. No one was willing to help me out before. But now with the both of us, I'm sure we'll be able to get it done." His eyes opened once more. "You see, it's not the sort of mission that a single Shinigami alone could accomplish." A cold chill filled the room.

“You are making everything more dramatic than it has to be. Just tell me what is going on and we will wrap it up and be in time to be back for dinner.” Sakata spoke, and took another large puff of her cigar.

"Fine." He stood up to his feet. "It's better if I show you."

Ichijou stepped out from the barracks, quickly throwing up his arm over his head to defend against the sun's rays. It felt like he was going to melt just standing there. He waited for Sakata to come out behind him before he'd say, "Hey, 7th Seat. I hope you're able to use Shunpo? Our destination is exactly 100 feet North of here. Just down the block."

“Actually, I am not all that good at using Shunpo.” spoke Sakata, “But that is alright, you get on with it and I will get there soon enough. Maybe even faster than you if your Shunpo is as fast as your mind is.”

"Wahaha! You're funny, 7th Seat. I'll give you that much." And with that Ichijou shimmered away, only to appear exactly 20 feet ahead. He was still very much in view, in fact he had hardly covered much ground at all. And yet he was suddenly bent over, hands to his knees as he gasped desperately for air.

Clearly he was not very talented in Shunpo either, not that he would ever admit it, though. Still, it was evident through his actions. He started to walk the rest of the distance.

Sakata flickered from the barracks, using Shunpo to cover some distance, using Seki to repel herself off the surface of ground to cover some more, and travelling rest of the distance by feet. She was a fast runner, and had soon reached the destination, certainly much before someone who had decided to walk the majority of the way. As she waited, she reignited the remains of her now extinguished cigar with another snap of her fingers and took another puff. ]

As she arrived upon the scene whole minutes before Ichijou did, Sakata would see the task at hand; the very mission Ichijou had been putting off and procrastinating. There on the street was a pile of cow dung; a river of literal brown shit spanning the distance of several hundreds of feet. The entire aisle was tainted in the feces.

Leaning up against the brick wall nearby were buckets filled with water and a series of mops. Ichijou finally arrived upon the scene and folded his arms across his chest. "Well, let's see what you're made of, 7th Seat."

“You know, when I got here,” spoke Sakata, “I was thinking, is this a joke? Even the unseated would not do it. I was about to leave when I thought, nah, let me watch big ol' Ichi do it.”

"Funny. I was thinking the same thing." He gave her a smirk. Then he just stared at her, waiting for her to budge, because he sure as hell wasn't about to mop that river of shit up. "Come on, 7th Seat. Get to work. We don't have all day now."

With another snap of her fingers, Sakata raised some ground, preparing a seat of sorts, and sat down. “You were thinking the same thing? As in, ‘let me watch big ol' Ichi do it’? Yeah. Let us. I ain't gonna get up and do literal shit anytime soon.”

His brow narrowed. "That's no way to talk to your superior, 7th Seat. Now get over there and scrub that damn thing. That's an order. You're not refusing orders from an officer with a higher ranking than you, are you?"

With a slight smile, Sakata lowered her gaze, and spoke, “That is exactly what I am doing, yes.”

"Ugh. Come on. Seriously. I'll even pay you to do it. I was told that this has to be done before we go patrolling tonight. Please? Come on, if we don't get this shit sweeped it's gonna make our division look bad. Is that what you want?"

Sakata sighed, “How much?”

Ichijou fiddeled through his pockets. He scoffed up around 400 Kan. "This is all I got. Take it or leave it."

“I will leave it,” spoke Sakata, “A guy once bought a pear for me. Do you know how much he bought the pear for? 1000 Kan. Now, double it, and I might *begin* to consider doing this.”

He looked through his pockets a second time. Thrice. Yet to no avail. "That's all I have, man. Come on. I'll even put in a good word about you to the higher ups. Maybe we'll both get a promotion and you can have my spot."

Sakata shook her head, “I will take 800. 400 now. 400 after the job. You better arrange it soon.”

She snatched the cash off of Ichijou's hands, then looked at all the shit, then back at Ichijou, and then she vanished with a shimmer.

"...!" But Sakata was gone. And Ichijou didn't have the means to give chase. "What the...!"

Sakata returned almost immediately, and let out a very rough chuckle. “I was just messing with you. Now…”

Sakata looked at the mess and raised a hand, “Daichi Tenyō!”

She levitated all the shit, set it all up in a pile, then she set fire to the pile with a silent Shakkahō.

“Quite a terrible abuse of our so-called 'demonic' sorcery, innit? Alright,” Sakata turned to Ichijou, “I expect the next installment of payment — a further 400 Kan — soon enough. I will be waiting at the barracks.” Then, she vanished with a shimmer, for good this time.