Michael Banyan

**Michael Banyan** is a poet who is best known for his tenure as the Bovine Poet Laureate of the Bovine Farmer's Union. Other appearances include BBC Radio 4's "Is There a Poet in the House" and Sky Arts's "Poet In a Jumper on a Beach". He has published a book of poetry titled "Crab of the Land".

He often features as a "favourite character" in the BADNP Fan Club

He is known to be associated with writers such as Haruki Murakami and Jonathan Franzen.

## Appearances

### Episode 19 - Michael Banyan

Michael Banyan is the featured interview, talking about the upcoming book *Crab of the Land*, his first volume of work as the Bovine Poet Laureate. Banyan admits that he got into poetry for the money, but gained popularity and unexpectedly became massively popular.

When asked to respond to talk in the media about pictures of himself in the papers and his partying lifestyle, including a picture of him stumbling out of a spaghetti house at one AM, he recounts waking up hungover to find Jonathan Franzen in his kitchen with a bag of chips on his head.

Banyan insists that this chapter of his life is over and that he is turning over a new leaf, explaining that if Ira Glass calls he doesn't even answer, as he can't afford to lose five days.

Banyan explains how he became the Bovine Poet Laureate after doing a spoken word event at a bar in East London, where some farmers were in attendance to see their friend, a farmer named Michael Hedgecliff who was emceeing the event. After a few drinks, Hedgecliff and the other farmers approached him at the bar and identified themselves as members of the Bovine Farmer's Union, wearing the associated hats (a cross between a hoof and a fez). Banyan asked them for further credentials, and Hedgecliff revealed that there were udders sewn on under his shirt, proving his affiliation. They offered Banyan the role of Bovine Poet Laureate, which he initially refused, but when they insisted, he excused himself to the bathroom and fled.

Although he had assumed they would drop the cause, soon hot beef dishes including stroganoffs, teriyakis, steak tartares and massaman curry were being delivered daily to Banyan's home through his mail slot. Banyan acquiesced after a few weeks and agreed to be the Bovine Poet Laureate.

His first commission was to create a new cow noise to replace the commonly accepted "*moo*". After a period of about two years, Banyan coined the new onomatopoeia "*mnnnneeeeaurrghhh*". He also expressed a desire to change the word "*cow*" to "*caaah*", due to the "*ow"* sound being a sound of pain and "ah" being a sound of pleasure.

When asked how he would inspire someone to pick up his book of poems, Banyan explains that people only buy volumes of poetry to have people see them in their house, and that no one actually reads them. He recounts picking up a book of Tennyson poems as a child and finding that the middle of the book was full of random things such as recipes, to-do lists and measurements for a beside table. This is also Banyan's explanation for leaving pages 35 through 76 of *Crab of the Land* blank, though he admits it also saved on ink.

During the interview, Banyan reads his poems "Cow Grate", "Old Cow" and "Crab of the Land" from *Crab of the Land*.

### Episode 26 - Michael Banyan In Exile

Michael Banyan disappeared on February 2nd, 2017, and no one knows his whereabouts. This was three days after he was sacked as the Bovine Poet Laureate following a drunken and foul-mouthed keynote speech he gave at the Bovine Farmer's Union conference. On March 1st, 2017, Banyan confirmed via Twitter that he was alive, but would not reveal his location. He went on to release a relaxation tape to raise funds. A podcast titled *Finding Michael Banyan* has since become massively popular as the world is gripped by the story, and inspired many avid "Banyan-hunters" who have reported sighting him all over the globe.

Banyan contacted Beef and Dairy Network via email in August for an exclusive interview to talk about his new book, *Behind the Cow's Face: The Hoof, The Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Hoof/Truth*. The interview took place at a secret location.

He has gone into hiding because he believes that he is in danger from the Bovine Farmer's Union, as the "powers that beef" want him dead. This is because of the closing remarks he gave at the Bovine Farmer's Union conference, where he was fired live onstage.

Banyan explains that it was a Wednesday afternoon when he got a call from Jonathan Franzen, which he knew would indicate the start of a week-long bender. Franzen and Mark Rylance like to get drunk and go to a department store and make fake orders for custom drapes they will never pick up, and other various drunken hijinks. Banyan only has vague memories of the events that ensued, but thinks that at some point Rylance and he were trapped in the London Aquarium due to a photo of Rylance and a barracuda on his phone.

On Saturday, the day of the conference, Banyan awoke in bed at 5:00PM with Franzen, Rylance, and Vikram Seth. Despite not being in a state to go onstage and not having written a speech, he got himself down to the conference while vomiting into his pockets on the tube and scratching out the speech on a napkin.

After putting on a toilet-paper toga fashioned last minute by Paul Rundercrudge, Banyan gave a speech full of profanity where he disparaged the 15,000 beef farmers mercilessly before being dragged off stage. Banyan stands by what he said, describing the drunken speech as a form of slam poetry that exposed uncomfortable truths.

Upon waking the next morning, Banyan had a piece of beef jerky on the pillow next to his head, which he interpreted as a threat left by the Bovine Farmer's Union. Attempting to go about his business despite being afraid of the message, he found that he was rejected from his local swim club. The next morning he found a piece of biltong on his pillow and later found that when he tried to withdraw money from an ATM it only dispensed hot gravy.

On the third morning, nothing was on his pillow, but he found that a cow's face had been sewn onto his face. At the time of the interview, the face had rotted to the point of being fetid and somewhat mummified, and had become totally melded onto his face. He called a backstreet vet he knew for removal, but the vet had woken up with hooves sewn onto his hands. Banyan at that point decided to leave the country, but due to the cow's face on his face his passport would no longer be usable. Banyan decided to call Franzen for help, who offered him a ride on his private jet. Historical author Hilary Mantel was the stewardess, and she was working on her new novel.

    Franzen turned out to be in league with the Bovine Farmer's Union, which Banyan discovered after he spotted the tattoo on his wrist. Banyan fought with Franzen, wrestling over the controls for several minutes before Banyan knocked him out. The plane was now heading for a cliff, so Banyan grabbed a parachute and headed for the emergency exit. Mantel came after him and fought with him, before Banyan pointed out that her research was flying out of the aircraft, prompting her to jump after it, shouting "Tell Rylance I love him!"

Banyan jumped out of the plane just before it exploded, pulling the parachute and passing out. He woke floating from his parachute with Mantel holding onto him, but Banyan pushed her into a swamp.

Banyan believes it is likely that Franzen escaped the plane and survived the crash.

Michael Banyan believes that his recent relaxation tape was slammed in the press due to the influence of the Bovine Farmer's Union. The tape consists of Banyan softly describing milking the listener's udders. Banyan explained that he was unable to get normal shops to stock *Behind the Cow's Face*, so interested parties will need to visit the dark web.

### Episode 42 - The Ballad Of Parsnip Flendercroft

Michael records his thoughts on Parsnip Flendercroft's fateful drive, and reads his poem, "The Ballad of Parsnip Flendercroft" (beginning at 32:58).

### Episode 63 - Michael Banyan, Podcaster

Michael joins the podcast to discuss his life in the UK since his return, including his new project, the *Jumanji* podcast *Jumanji: CWS*.