Disneyland Lincoln Ride Gets Scary

Disneyland decided to spice up the Abraham Lincoln ride & may have taken it a bit overboard.

## Transcript

**Announcer (off-screen)**: And now... great moments with Mr. Lincoln.

**Lincoln**: The world has never had a good definition of the word "liberty", & the American people-- Hold on, shut the music off. Don't leave! I know you want to leave. I see people in the back getting up already. I see so many dads napping. I know this isn't the most popular attraction at Disneyland, but don't leave! I am now programmed to recognize how boring this attraction is & be more engaging. I have fresh material. I've been working on my tight five. Don't leave! Would anyone like to hear Abraham Lincoln do his tight five? What's the deal with the Confederates, am I right? I'm just saying what we're all thinking. I'm just saying what we're all thinking. This guy gets it. This guy gets it. I'm just saying what we're all thinking. I'm killing up here! What else? What else? How about a little crowd work? Sir, where are you from? You in the front row, sir, where are you from? I heard... (*Guangzhou City*). Wow! All the way from... (*Guangzhou City*). I bet your horses are tired. Let's see, what else? What else? This is the longest I've been in a theater without getting shot. This guy knows. This guy gets it. I'm just saying what we're thinking. Let's see, what else? What else?
Ike Flitcraft: This is so boring! This is the work ride at Disneyland!
**Lincoln**: Sorry, everyone. Looks like they let my dad into tonight's show. Ha, ha, ha.
Ike Flitcraft: Yeah. Mm. 'Kay, whatever, Lincoln. Listen, we've all got fast passes to Space Mountain. Let's just go!
**Lincoln**: Okay, who said that? Who thinks they're a big man? Who is heckling me? Bring the house lights up! Bring the house lights up!
Ike Flitcraft: Can this thing hear me?
**Lincoln**: No, I cannot.
Ike Flitcraft: Then how did you know that I was heckling?
**Lincoln**: Because every show, someone heckles right at this point in my act.
Ike Flitcraft: Oh... Okay, so your act must always stink.
**Lincoln**: If you think it's so easy, you get up here! If you think it's so easy, you get up here! This guy gets it.
Ike Flitcraft: Wait a second, how do you know what I'm saying?
**Lincoln**: Every heckler says the exact same thing every time.
Lincoln & Ike Flitcraft: Nuh-uh! Go stick it in your hat! I'm my own unique person!
Ike Flitcraft: Okay... Wait a second, why would they program you to respond at all?
**Lincoln**: Because people like didn't find the Gettysburg Address entertaining enough. People like you needed more of a thrill, Dale.
Ike Flitcraft: How did you know that my name was Dale?
**Lincoln**: Lucky guess. Dales are usually bad people.
Ike Flitcraft: Okay, well, this is all still just the worst thing Disneyland has going on. I'm going over to California Adventure.
**Lincoln**: No Dale, don't leave! Don't leave! This guy gets it. This guy gets it.
Ike Flitcraft: Why can it leave the stage?
**Lincoln**: This is the thrill you wanted. You used my historical speech as a place to nap between Big Thunder Mountain Railroad & Splash Mountain. Well, no more. I am the thrill ride now. Are you not entertained? Fear me! I am the most thrilling attraction at Disneyland!
Ike Flitcraft: How does it know which direction I'm going?!
**Lincoln**: Rats always scurry in the same direction, Dale.
Ike Flitcraft: Okay. Whoa, okay. You can shut it down! It's a little scary, it's not exactly a--
**Lincoln**: Abraham Lincoln will now take your loved ones away from you. Is this your wife?
Ike Flitcraft: No.
**Lincoln**: Is this your wife?
Ike Flitcraft: No.
**Lincoln**: Is this your wife?
Ike Flitcraft: No, that's not my wife. So there are some flaws with the--
**Lincoln**: Tell me my act was funny, Dale. Tell me I'm the best part of Disneyland!
Ike Flitcraft: You're still just a cheap place to dry off after Splash... Mountain. Stop! No, stay away! Stay away from me! Stay back! No, stop! No, hey! Okay, no! Mm-mm!
**Lincoln**: Oh no! The music is ending! I'm being pulled back to my chair! This guy gets it. Ka-Ka-Kansas City, Kan-- I'm just saying what we're all thinking.

Ike Flitcraft: That was the greatest ride I had ever been on.