Fake TPOT 46: We Can Sail, We Can Sail/part 3

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"**We Can Sail, We Can Sail**" is the non-canon forty-sixth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 17 July 1989. Since TPOT 2 has already been released, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

Author's note: Before I continue with the third part of the episode, let me express how much I admire all those make all these "All the Worlds Are a Stage" challenges like this one. Not only Cary and Michael (BFDI 23) or Sam Thornbury (BFB 28), but also the writers of *Inanimate Insanity* and some other show I watched that had the same exact final challenge. It's amazing how you can structure something like this, because it was damn hard for me to decide who was standing where during the challenge without it being too robotic or tedious. Also, I know it's a bit of an unspoken rule that the last challenge in a completed series should be a combination of all the previous ones,  and I wanted to emulate the greats for once.

Author's note #2: This episode is extremely long, for sure. *BUT!* I promise you this: in this episode you'll get mild characterization and at least one line of dialogue from EVERY contestant-hopeful from the show who can speak.

## Contest, part 5

### **All the World's a Contest**

**Scene**Continuation of the contest. By now, a crowd of tourists (really recommended characters) is forming near the competition structure.
#### Station #18 (PC)

[*Enter* **Pencil**, *out of breath, as if being chased.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Horrible, horrible!
* **Unrelated Two Jr.**: Is that what they say when they run into you? [*snorts*]

[*Beat.*]

* **Selinur**: You really are related to Two; you just don't know it yet.
* **Unrelated Two Jr.**: Not!
* **C****am****er****a**: So, Pencil, you really got kicked out of bumper cars for being too rowdy, huh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I shall never understand what sort of entertainment *any* sensible person finds in that game. [*exhales*] Anyway, what's going on here? This station's so full of circles, it's almost as if the entity that brought Golf Ball into this world threw up on the world's naffest waltzer.
* **Selinur**: [*Aside.*] That's not something I want to imagine.
* **P****e****nci****l**: So what's going on?

[*Camera adopts a grandiose voice and pretends to hold a microphone. Being limbless, he finds it rather difficult, but he manages.*]

* **C****am****er****a**: Get ready to like the stars!
* **P****e****nci****l**: You know, I think Pen would really like your job.
* **C****am****er****a**: [*ignoring her*] From the isle of Réunion, Gogmatics' Handbook!
* **Gogmatic****s' H****andbook**: *Bonzour!*
* **C****am****er****a**: From outer space but living in West Germany, Selinur!
* **Selinur**: *Dies ist ein Bleistift!*
* **C****am****er****a**: And from some place we're not really sure of, nor do we want to find out, Unrelated Two Ju—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yeah, yeah, yeah, could you just tell me what question you want me to answer? I'm never particularly successful at most game-show type challenges, so I'd prefer to be let down quickly.
* **C****am****er****a**: Alright then. [*reads*] "Bizarre Button is such a big BFDI fan that whenever they show reruns, he gets up and *blanks* his TV set!"

[*Pencil looks at him with an expression on her face that seems to say: "What the ferrule".*]

* **C****am****er****a**: Your move, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I don't know, he wants to **lick** it?

[*Unrelated Two Jr. bursts into abnormally mean-spirited laughter.*]

* **C****am****er****a**: Stars?
* **Selinur**: **Lick**.
* **Gogmatic****s' H****andbook**: I said **lick**!
* **Unrelated Two Jr.**: **Turns off**! Ha! I knew you wouldn't say that so that's what I went with!
* **C****am****er****a**: Don't listen to them, Pencil. Since you matched at least one person, you get to move on!
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Minha tia santa*, thank the meteorite that gave Earth graphite!

[*Exit.*]

#### Station #21 (RE → PI, RE → PI)

[*The background music changes as* **Remote** *approaches the twenty-first mini-challenge. In the middle of this station is a large, rotating record, staffed by* **Needle**, **Rainbow Sash** *and* **Jugemu**.]

* **Need****le**: Oh, Remote, you're the first one here!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hi.
* **Need****le**: I figured Pencil would be skiving off. I always was the more diligent sister.
* **R****a****i****n****b****o****w** **S****a****s****h**: Anyway, we're supposed to greet you by saying, "Welcome to the '80s!"

[*Remote looks at the nearby sign, which reads as follows.*]

**1980**

* **Need****le**: In this challenge, you mustn't fall off. We'll make it really easy for you.

[*Enter* **Pin**.]

* **Need****le**: And you too, Pin.
* **P****i****n**: Ooh, this will be easy!

[*Remote and Pin step onto the record. It rotates, which causes Remote to fall off accidentally.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oof.

[*Pin goes.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Go.
* **P****i****n**: Alright!

[*Exit* **Pin**.]

* **Need****le**: That was a really nice thing you did there, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You only said that because she's your friend outside the competition.
* **R****a****i****n****b****o****w** **S****a****s****h**: Typical frau.
* **Need****le**: Excuse you, that is absolutely true.
* **R****a****i****n****b****o****w** **S****a****s****h**: False, like half the stars on TV these days. /j
* **Need****le**: [*correcting herself*] False, like *huh?*

#### Station #22 (PI)

[**Pin** *enters a scene representing the contest of episode 22, staffed by* **Gradient**, **Ornament**, **School Paper** *and* **Vahepsis**. *The ground underneath all of them changes colour depending on where their feet touch the ground. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1980**

* **P****i****n**: [*looking down*] Ooh!
* **Va****hep****sis**: That's right, keep on looking.
* **G****r****a****d****i****e****n****t**: [*harshly*] You're going to need to in this challenge.
* **P****i****n**: O... kay.
* **Orna****ment**: You will have to excuse him. He has been searching all day for the perfect artistic motif.
* **G****r****a****d****i****e****n****t**: I just want a new wallpaper for my house!
* **School Paper**: Such are the pressing issues facing the '60s draft dodgers today.
* **P****i****n**: So am I just supposed to make Two with my feet?
* **Va****hep****sis**: Pretty much.
* **Orna****ment**: Do not worry, it looks better than it sounds. Idealistically.
* **P****i****n**: Okay.

[*As if by magic, Pin sprouts wings and lands on the upper-left part of the track. She then "skates" across the track and makes Two's shape.*]

* **Va****hep****sis**: [*Aside.*] I can certainly see why Coiny has good taste.
* **Orna****ment**: You are good, Pin!
* **School Paper**: Sources say you should move on.
* **P****i****n**: Okay!

[*Exit.*]

#### Station #23 (PI)

[*The music fades out as* **Pin** *"intrudes" into a much quieter, more intimate scene. This appears to take place in a library-like setting, an allusion to the twenty-third contest.* **Tennis Ball** *is* *seen reading a book and sitting on a higher desk than his fellow contestant helpers, son* **Colin** *and* **Clarion**. *The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1980**

* **P****i****n**: [*whispering*] *Tennis Ball!*
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*takes his glasses off and puts them on again*] No need to whisper over here. Just look at the station after this one, they're this close to having a "partay"!
* **P****i****n**: Sorry. I sort of get that vibe here, you know?
* **Co****l****i****n**: I told you we should have made it a café.
* **Cl****ar****i****on**: Right, where else would one listen to that new "alternative" rock music?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Hmm... You ready, Pin?
* **P****i****n**: [*reading the sign*] Uh, yeah, I guess.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Okay. Your obscure word to define is... [*turns to a random page in the dictionary*] *Caodaism*.
* **P****i****n**: Oh, that's a religion where I come from! Yeah, it's a mix of... everything, really. It's the Team No-Name yoylestew of Vietnamese spirituality.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: You're right! [*looks at Pin and back at the dictionary*] Wow, I open my big, trusty dictionary to a seemingly random page and what catches my eye but a word from your country of birth, the chances of which must be exceedingly slim! Anyway, I guess you can go now, Pin, so as we say in our house... keep on rolling along.
* **P****i****n**: Thanks, and I can do that too! Wheeeeeeeee!

[*Exit, rolling on her side.*]

* **Co****l****i****n**: Dad?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Coley.
* **Co****l****i****n**: By any chance are there any Liberian words in that book?

#### Station #22 (RE)

[**Remote** *works on her "Two" model by briskly walking on the track and turning when appropriate.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And a little bit this way, and a little bit that way... that's what it's all about. Doot. Doot.

[*Gradient nudges School Paper.*]

* **School Paper**: It is reported that this gradient friend of ours is saying that'll do.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But I haven't finished with the swish.
* **G****r****a****d****i****e****n****t**: It doesn't matter; that's... beautiful!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But I—
* **G****r****a****d****i****e****n****t**: It is the absolute perfect model for the wallpaper; I've got to show this to the interior decorator ASAP!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Even though this—
* **G****r****a****d****i****e****n****t**: You may move on while I take in the scene for myself, Remote. Yahooooo!

[*Gradient takes a picture of the incomplete "Two" shape on the ground. Exit* **Remote**.]

#### Station #16 (BH)

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*hesitating*] Okay, this seems a little dangerous. On one hand, I might suck everything up again, and not be allowed to finish the contest. On the other hand, I might be stuck here for another eternity. Hmm... which one should I pick?
* **S****h****amp****o****o**: Just do it, huh?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ò. Shampoo, I didn't notice you here.
* **S****h****amp****o****o**: I tend to blend in with the background folk.
* **David**: Aww, seriously?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Here goes...

[*Black Hole gets close to his pile of junk. One second later, it is all cleaned up.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Whoooa there, me. [*Pause.*] Did I do it?
* **S****h****amp****o****o**: Am I a world-famous celebrity?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Then I didn't do it. Two?
* **S****h****amp****o****o**: [*irked*] I meant "yes".
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh. Okay.

[*Exit.*]

#### Station #23 (PI, RE → PI)

[**Pin** *returns to the scene, gently carried by* **Snowball**. *He sets her down, again gently. She does not look pleased.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We meet again.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: What are you doing here, Snowball?
* **P****i****n**: It's my fault. I shouldn't have gloated over my victory of "Caodaistic" proportions, but I did.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*mischievously*] What happened?
* **P****i****n**: I was telling the guys at the next station about how funny it was that the word I was asked to define was related to Vietnamese people. Well, one of them... didn't really find it funny, and he brought me back here to do the challenge all over again. [*turns around*] Thanks a lot, Snowball, I should have known you were of the law-abiding type. /s
* **Snowball**: Think thee not thereof, O Pricking One. But in future, fetch thee the system not, for 'tis deceit which against the ninth commandment runneth.

[*Exit.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ha. Snowball just called you a sinner. /j
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Would you like me to pass you automatically, Pin?
* **P****i****n**: No, no, thanks. I'd better win this mini-challenge fair and square.
* **Co****l****i****n**: How virtuous.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Funny you should say that. I was just about to give Remote her word, and it turns out to be... [*looks into his dictionary*] *quadriform*.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Quadriform*. A shape with four sides.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: You're right.
* **Cl****ar****i****on**: Ding!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Okay, go on.

[*Exit* **Remote**, *who waves at Pin.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: And Pin...
* **P****i****n**: Please, nothing related to Vietnamesiana. [*looking at the next station*] Or religion, for that matter. Give me something I am completely unfamiliar with... or with which I am... completely unfamiliar. Yeah.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Okay. [*turns the page awkwardly*] Pin, please define the word *hobnail*.

#### Station #24 (RE)

[*Enter* **Remote** *into a scene representing the twenty-fourth contest. She is met with* **Aresko**, **Snowball** and **Gnokaxu**, *who are all standing at their own little stations (perhaps "substations"), for the nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1980**

  Pin the mouth on the Snowball
**OR**
  speed addition
**OR**
  “Get Bent”.

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*nemini loquitur*] You can't be quadriform when you're in first place. [*noticing the sign*] Ooh.
* **Ar****esko**: Which station would you like to have a go at? You can choose *me*... [*smiles*] Or you could play with those other two people; I'll try not to hold it against you if you went with them. Heh.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Why do I feel like this isn't really my choice? Anyway, I'll take the speed addition; I was banned from doing it in the actual contest.
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: Well, bless my heart, what a good choice! One.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That's a good seventies show.
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: No, sugar, your number. It's 1.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Okay.
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: Now you must add 1 to that.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: 2.
* **Two**: [*in the distance, interrupting everyone*] And a radical number it is!

[*Beat. All return to their previous positions.*]

* **Gno****ka****x****u**: And now add 3.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: 5.
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: Add 8.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: 13.
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: Hey, you're Fibonacci the hang of it!
* **Ar****esko**: [*off-screen*] Was that meant to be a pun?
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: Shut up, Aresko! [*scoffs jokingly*]

#### Station #21 (PC)

[*Enter* **Pencil** *to the scene. Needle gets up.*]

* **Need****le**: Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're manning this station, Needle?
* **Need****le**: I am woman-ing it. You alright?
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's right, sister, but I'm sure I've fallen to last place. Might as well give up if there's no way to escape my elimination.
* **Need****le**: You're very positive. /s
* **P****e****nci****l**: And there's a chance one of us will end up bankrupt by the end of the year, so put a sock in it.

[*Needle laughs. She gets Pencil's humour.*]

* **R****a****i****n****b****o****w** **S****a****s****h**: It's not exactly good form to interrupt this totally wholesome family gathering, but...

[*He points at Station #18, where* **Black Hole** *is slowly but surely catching up with Pencil.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh no, there's a chance I might win!
* **Need****le**: Just walk around the record, I won't even play the music!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Thanks for that!

[*Pencil starts to crawl under the giant record player.*]

* **Jugemu Jugemu...**[*full name*]: [*pointing at Pencil, accusingly*] Cheating! Cheating! Cheating! カンニングしてる！
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's right, Jugemu.
* **Jugemu Jugemu...**[*full name*]: どうしてだれもボクを本名で呼ばないんだ？ [*Subtitles: "Why does nobody call me by my legal name?"*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Cos if I did, I'd be left more tongue-tied than after one of my good nights.
* **Need****le**: Oh, Pencil... [*realizing; slaps her*] *Pencil!* You should never say such a thing in front of a single girl like *mimi!* Just pay him no mind and sail on, yeah? You've got a contest to win.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*salutes her*] Will do.
* **Need****le**: And say hi to the kids for me, will you?

[*Exit* **Pencil**, *running backwards.*]

#### Station #24 (PI, RE)

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: 4,181.
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: 6,765.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: 10,946.
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: Uh... [*reading*] 17,771.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Don't you mean 17,711?
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: Oh, dear me, looks like I got this number wrong.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You darn Tooting.
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: Looks like you can go through, Remote. My bad!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yay. Again.

[*Exit. Meanwhile,* **Pin** *is chasing* **Snowball**. *She is carrying an old TPOT mouth asset with her. Snowball laughs during all of this, because this may be the most physical activity he's had in years.*]

* **P****i****n**: Hold still, Snowball, let me *me* the mouth on the *you*!
* **Ar****esko**: Wait, slow down, Pin, this is probably bringing back horrible memories of Snowball!
* **P****i****n**: Snowball, when?
* **Ar****esko**: When he was one step short of a frosty Scandinavian ogre! No offence, cobber.

[*Snowball stops.*]

* **Snowball**: Speak'st thou apropos me?
* **P****i****n**: Done!

[*She pins the mouth directly under Snowball's actual mouth. In humanaho, she pins it right onto his beard, making this dialogue possible.*]

* **Gno****ka****x****u**: Mahahahahahaha!
* **Snowball**: What may it be?
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: Look at yourself! [*shows Snowball a mirror*]
* **P****i****n**: Byeeee!

[*Exit, skipping. Snowball is left with the appearance of having two mouths, possibly for the rest of the season.*]

* **Snowball**: I trow this a fine aspect of myself to be, and intend I so to keep.

#### Station #19 (BH)

[*Crowd sound effects can be heard in the background as* **Black Hole** *enters this scene quickly.*]

* **C****am****er****a**: [*off-screen*] That was the best match I've ever seen in one day of hosting this!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*going*] I'm going up, guys. Out of my way, if you don't mind; I don't need as much space as you think, but I would really like you, to give me some of it. If it please you.
* **Do****l****lar****y**: Hey, what?

[*Exit* **Black Hole**.]

* **St****a****py**: Come on, gazie, we were going to try to push you down the stairs!

#### Station #25 (PI, RE)

[*Enter* **Remote** *and* **Pin** *to the scene representing the first contest after the halfway mark of the scene. They are met with* **Battery** *and* **Avocado**, *as well as* **Carlene** *and* **Hop Bell** *(both of whom only appeared in the first, challenge-less part of the episode). The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1981**

* **Avoc****a****d****o**: Welcome!
* **C****ar****le****ne**: [*bored*] Yeah, welcome.
* **Ho****p Be****ll**: I was supposed to be somewhere else.

[*Avocado *elbows* Carlene, who elbows Hop Bell.*]

* **Ho****p Be****ll**: Well!
* **P****i****n**: So, all we have to do is listen to a possible scenario from you guys, and we have to offer you a solution to it?
* **Avoc****a****d****o**: That's right. Battery?

[*Battery looks up from her YeFone at once.*]

* **B****atter****y**: Oh. Yeah. Remote and Pin, since you came at the same time, I'll just give you a scenario and you just have to tell me what you think—
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Communism.
* **B****atter****y**: What?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's communism, isn't it?
* **B****atter****y**: [*looks around and points in the direction of the track*] *Mach weiter.*
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*going*] Yes.
* **P****i****n**: Remote, that's hardly the solution to anything!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's what Battery thinks it is.
* **B****atter****y**: Don't I get a say?

[*Exit* **Pin**, *going with* **Remote**.]

#### Station #26 (PI, RE)

[**Pin** *and* **Remote** *discover that they are standing on a balance beam—the challenge of episode 26—staffed by* **Roboty**, **Kitchen Sink** *and* **Fovitwe Map**. *The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1982**

* **Ki****tche****n S****ink**: We changed the sign because we wanted to be original.
* **F****o****v****it****w****e** **M****a****p**: Nice, isn't it?
* **R****o****b****oty**: Words.

[*Pin and Remote walk across the without any issue whatsoever.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: This is a gut.
* **P****i****n**: So true.

#### Station #27 (PI, RE → PI)

[**Pin** *and* **Remote** *enter the next scene, where they are met with three Recovery Cylinders, possibly made out of Two's unknownbleck substance. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1982**

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Never mind.
* **P****i****n**: So we just have to stand here and do nothing?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What fun. /s

#### Station #25 (PC)

* **Avoc****a****d****o**: Pencil, congratulations on being the third person to make it here! You're even before Black Hole!
* **C****ar****le****ne**: Girl power!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye! So what's my... [*looks at the sign*] "given problem"?
* **Avoc****a****d****o**: You're on a boat with all of us.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, I'd throw Battery out first.
* **B****atter****y**: *Was?* What have I ever done to you?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm sorry, but I remember this episode. [*taps on the sign*] It's the one where you were trying to chat up my boyfriend! How dare you!
* **B****atter****y**: You should be glad that I rewatched the episode before I came here today. I wasn't hitting on Pen; I was trying to win him over to my cause, which... I don't support quite as strongly as I did back then.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Is that so?
* **B****atter****y**: Politically I've become an apathete. I don't even care what he's doing right this minute.
* **P****e****nci****l**: While I do. Which reminds me... what *is* he doing right this minute? I've got this strong urge to check on him.

[*Fade to the next scene.*]

## Subplot, part 5

### **Anchor's RaB**

**Scene**Montage of **Pen** and **kids** trying to open all the doors and windows of the cabin in vain, set to wacky saxophone music. End montage after around 9.89 seconds.
* **P****en**: It's useless!
* **Y****es****a**: We're in a weird cabin and the windows don't even open!
* **P****en**: Not really the Stratford Inn, is it?
* **Y****es****a**: And I can't believe every one of us left the flat without our YeFones.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Eh, you're not missing much. Indus-Gram's basically out of fashion, so it wouldn't matter if we came with something to post here or not.
* **Y****es****a**: We could make phone calls, Ita!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*realizing*] Oh yeah. I'm going to look for a telephone!

[*While Ita sets off on her search, Pen enters the Weight-ing Room.*]

* **P****en**: Yo, Lou, is Sonny alright?
* **O****is** (Lou): Yeah, he's not crying any more.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): He really likes the octopus boat cushion. Can we buy it?
* **P****en**: Sorry, Sam, but there's no one we can give the money to.

[*A "noise" from inside the cot.*]

* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Whoopsies!
* **P****en**: On second thought, I'll leave the cash on the counter.
* **R****h****oza**: I guess that means no boating today, huh.
* **P****en**: Nope. But we can still bond in here, eh? Hey, the rest of yous, come and sit down!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Do we have to be in the same room as you?
* **P****en**: I guess not.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Good. I don't care much for man sweat.
* **P****en**: Who's sweating? It's cold.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): [*going*] Oh, well, I don't care much for blue caps. /s

[*The family rearrange themselves:* **Pen**, **Yesa**, **Lou**, **Ivor**, **Sam** *and* **Zira** *sit in the middle of the cabin right next to the door that leads to the Weight-ing Room, while* **Ita**, **Rhoza**, **Sol** *and* **Max** *hang out in the front.* **Soniri** *remains in his cot.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Finally, we can relax!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): [*in the background*] Hey, Horse, watch me break the window with this rock I found!
* **P****en**: *Oh, no you don't!*

[*Pen jumps up like a wild dog and runs to the front of the cabin to Sol, about to throw a small decorative stone against one of the windows above the logs. He tries to restrain his son.*]

* **P****en**: You better not do this, S.V.!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): [*fighting back*] Get off me, Pen, I'm trying to save the world! What's your damage?
* **P****en**: What's *your* damage, kid? Don't you remember what your mother and I said? No more breaking windows; it makes Two mad!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): But Two doesn't own this building.
* **P****en**: Okay, it's more than that! I just... don't know if this building's alive or not, and Tree told me to prevent death today. And you don't break the pact's rules, ever!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Not to mention you'll get charged with property damage if one of us little ones breaks a window.
* **P****en**: See, there's also that; Max is absolutely right.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Yeah, but if you get arrested, your face's gonna be in all the papers!

[*Pen pauses for a second.*]

* **P****en**: Gimme that rock, will ya?

[*Sol hands Pen the rock. He looks at it for a moment and drops it, because I think he has a conscience. The rock lands on Pen's foot—we don't see it fall, but we do see his reaction: his voice gets higher as he tries not to cry in pain.*]

* **P****en**: Boy, if I weren't so fit, this would hurt like... [*squeaks*] hell!

## Contest, part 6

#### Station #27 (PI, RE → PI)

[**Pin** *and* **Remote** *still stand next to their respective cylinders. Pin taps her foot impatiently.*]

* **P****i****n**: When will someone be recovered?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't know. These things tend to take days.
* **P****i****n**: Hope it's Jupiter days.

[*Suddenly,* **9-Ball** *breaks out of the cylinder next to Remote. It suddenly disappears, proving that the Recovery Cylinders are not real, or at least specially made for the contest.*]

* **9****-B****all**: I've been rescued!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh, that's great.
* **P****i****n**: Really great.
* **9****-B****all**: Remote, you were watching over me, right?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I guess so.
* **9****-B****all**: Then you are free to go!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Thanks.
* **9****-B****all**: You smell really good, by the way.

[*Exit* **Remote**, *periodically turning back to look at 9-Ball, confused. Just like in BFB 2, 9-Ball suddenly chomps on the Recovery Cylinder next to her.*]

* **9****-B****all**: [*chomping*] *Ngãng!*
* **8****-****Ball**: Wow. Am I lucky you saved me, I think.
* **P****i****n**: Ooh, another person is out!

[*8-Ball rolls in front of Pin sternly.*]

* **P****i****n**: So... can I go?
* **8****-****Ball**: Up, bup, bup, nau, nau, nau, naup'. You have to stay here.
* **P****i****n**: Why? All the other stations let me pass by if accompanied.
* **8****-****Ball**: And if all the other stations were standing on the Island of Mozambique Bridge, would you say that to your grandmother?

[*Pin looks at 8-Ball and his mixed-up fatherly advice strangely.*]

* **8****-****Ball**: Who am I kidding, I just want somebody to talk to.
* **9****-B****all**: Wha, you can talk to me! *Sou a tua mulher!*
* **8****-****Ball**: That's different.

#### Station #28 (RE)

[**Remote** *enters the scene of the twenty-eighth contest alone. She is met by* **Bell**, **Borpu** *and* **Thisso**. *Bell is dressed to resemble the science fiction scene of the early 1980s. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1982**

* **B****e****ll**: Okay, so in this challenge, you have to avoid any sort of interaction with a Twobot! Very tricky! [*tries to wave the "arms" of her costume around*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: A Twobot? I know of no such thing.
* **Bor****p****u**: That's right; in the last episode you were dead before a Twobot approached your fellow reverse race participants.
* **Thiss****o**: Borpu, since when were you the "Superfan of Other Seasons"?
* **Bor****p****u**: Never. My alternate title is "Superfan of This Season".
* **Thiss****o**: Oh. Meanwhile, I'm still the "Quiet One".

[*Awkward silence. The three contestant helpers look around because* **Remote** *has moved onto the next station, having already done what the mini-challenge asked of her.*]

* **B****e****ll**: Dang it, you guys let her get *away!*
* **Thiss****o**: Oh, that's right, we were supposed to try to... stop her.
* **Bor****p****u**: Whoops.
* **B****e****ll**: Why else do you think I dressed like this?

#### Station #27 (PI)

[**9-Ball** *and* **Pin** *are sitting on the track, the latter temporarily forgetting that she has a contest to do.* **8-Ball** *is in the distance, looking bored.*]

* **9****-B****all**: Exactly, *a guerra é um inferno*—war is heck!
* **P****i****n**: I tell the kids that every day, and they still seldom listen.
* **9****-B****all**: Tst. I used to have the same problem with Lúcia and Cuame.
* **P****i****n**: You and 8-Ball's kids?
* **9****-B****all**: Yeah!
* **8****-****Ball**: May I add something?
* **[** **9****-B****all** · **P****i****n** **]**: No!

[*8-Ball rolls his eyes. A "ding!" is heard as an idea comes to him: just like 9-Ball earlier, he too chomps on the Recovery Cylinder, but not for altruistic reasons; he just wants a bit of the attention.*]

* **8****-****Ball**: [*chomping*] *Ngang!*

[**Golf Ball Clone** *pops out of the cylinder.*]

* **Golf Ball Clone**: Aah, stop it!
* **8****-****Ball**: [*recycled line*] We found Golf Ball.
* **Golf Ball Clone**: *Clone!*
* **8****-****Ball**: Clone.
* **P****i****n**: Ooh.
* **9****-B****all**: Alright, Pin, I'll just credit you with this testimony of recovery and you should be on your way!
* **P****i****n**: Hey, thanks!

[*Exit* **Pin** *in a hurry.*]

#### Station #29 (RE → PI, RE)

[*Enter* **Pin** *to a scene representing the challenge of episode 29.* **Remote** *is already there, along with* **Fanny**, **Clapboard** *and* **Steirische**. *The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1983**

* **Fan****ny**: *Okay, you two! In this challenge, you have to convince me of any topic you want, even if it is something I **hate!***
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Humph.
* **Fan****ny**: *What is it, Remote?!*
* **P****i****n**: I think she wants to know why you're yelling.
* **C****l****a****p****b****o****a****r****d**: [*rolling her eyes*] The whole world wants to know, but I doubt they'll ever get an answer. /s

[*Steirische plays some notes on himself. The subtitles underneath read in a Fraktur font: "De Diandl isch a Rätsl.", meaning "This girl is an enigma."*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That too. But why didn't you recognize me, a pact member?
* **Fan****ny**: Because I hate pointing that out in public!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Fair enough. Can we convince you otherwise?
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, and can we make it a group effort?
* **Fan****ny**: No, and no!

[*Pin and Remote look at each other.*]

* **C****l****a****p****b****o****a****r****d**: Gee, I was convinced.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Thanks, Clapper.

[*Exeunt.*]

#### Station #25 (PC)

* **Avoc****a****d****o**: So you're on a boat in the middle of the ocean and there seems to be no help for miles. What's the best solution to this problem?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Just hold on until you reach land ten years later. Worked for me and I turned out almost fine.
* **C****ar****le****ne**: Well, that ain't a good answer.
* **Avoc****a****d****o**: But she says it happened, so it has to be good.
* **C****ar****le****ne**: Okay, you got me there. You can go on now, Pencil.

#### Station #30 (PI, RE)

[**Pin** *and* **Remote** *arrive at the thirtieth station (representing the thirtieth challenge), where they come across* **Scissors**, **Binchana** *and* **Zipola**. *The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1983**

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ah.
* **P****i****n**: What, what is it?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Don't look at the sign. Every time you're told not to think of something, you think about it.
* **P****i****n**: I don't do that.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, I mean "you" in the hypothetical sense... I got no idea what goes on inside your head.
* **Z****i****p****ola**: [*Aside.*] I wonder how long it will take for them to remember.
* **Binchana**: Don't think too hard.
* **P****i****n**: [*going*] Hey, Remote, do you remember what the challenge was in 1983?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: All I remember from that episode was a really bad song about *CHiPs*.

[*By now, they are on the border between this and the next station.*]

* **P****i****n**: Oh, hey, now I remember!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wait.

[*Remote moves Pin to the other side of the border between the stations.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*calling back*] We had to avoid joining that show with that Ilta guy who sang said *CHiPs* song and fought Two with a big sword.
* **Sc****is****so****rs**: That's right; you have to come back now!
* **Z****i****p****ola**: No, she's not on the line!
* **Sc****is****so****rs**: Never mind!

#### Station #31 (PI, RE)

[**Pin** *and* **Remote** *look up and find themselves at the beginning of Act VI of the show,* i.e.*, episode 31. An instrumental soft rock song can be heard at this point, as they are in the presence of the band of* **Inei**, **Kudasai**, **Mjunga** *and* **Umtaya**, *who now try their hand at this genre after years of Letterian folk rock. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1984**

* **Mj****unga**: We hear you reading.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: You'll have to excuse him; he has an eavesdropping problem.
* **Kuda****sai**: Which he can't seem to get rid of.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh, Pin. [*holds onto Pin*]
* **P****i****n**: What? There's nothing to open here.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No. I meant this song reminds me of Black Hole.
* **P****i****n**: How so?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It was playing on loop at the restaurant where we ate together during our first non-business meeting. In this year, too.
* **P****i****n**: Wow, that's really sentimental. The only time Coiny gets choked up like that's when he hears Mrs. Miller's cover of "96 Tears".
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*as she says this,* **Black Hole** *can be seen going through Station #24*] A-w-w, the thought of his going through all those stages again and my not being there to be with him. I miss him a lot.
* **P****i****n**: Does it make you sad?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: More like mad. At Two.
* **P****i****n**: What are you going to do?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: This.

[*Remote goes to each of the band members and pushes them off the building. They shout “Ah" individually as they fall, except for Mjunga, who goes "Horgle borgle" all the way down.*]

* **P****i****n**: Remote! I thought you were against death!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Don't worry, I saw what's down there. We can go on.
* **P****i****n**: [*nervously*] Alright, if you say so.

[*Exeunt. At the same time, view of the bottom of the huge contest structure: right where Station #31 is on the ground, there is a quartet of trampolines meant for the band in case they fall off the edge of the building. So the quartet fall and, due to gravity, they land in the same place whence they fell as they bounce upward. They also stop screaming, though their* ah*s are replaced by...*]

* **The Quartet**: [*landing*] *Aaaaawesome!*

#### Station #32 (PI, RE)

[**Pin** *and* **Remote** *turn around, relieved that the Letters' band made it back to their station alive. As they turn around, they see* **Pie**, **Match** *and* **Conch Shell**—*the true apathetes of the season—doing some sort of meditation. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1984**

* **Pi****e**: Shh.
* **P****i****n**: But—
* **Ma****tch**: [*puts her finger up to Pin's mouth from her seat*] Hush. Please.
* **P****i****n**: OMPF, what is this all about?
* **Pi****e**: Can't you read the sign? [*opens her eyes*] Hello, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hiya.
* **P****i****n**: Ooohhhhh, so when the sign says we have to do nothing, we've got to—okay.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, Pin, you're not very, like, bright, are you?
* **P****i****n**: Neither are you when it, um, rains!
* **C****onch** **S****h****e****l****l**: Wow. Two grown women expressing their hatred for each other even though they pose little threat to each other's lives. You're more pathetic than a cheap Mud-on-a wannabe—*Match*. /s

[*Silence.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Connie's, like, right. We are, like, totally un-copacetic.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, why don't we make up?
* **Ma****tch**: And hey, while we're at it, let's, like, hug.
* **P****i****n**: Okay!

[*Match and Pin hug.*]

* **Pi****e**: You guys, you're supposed to be doing nothing.
* **Ma****tch**: Oh, I think it's, like, fine. I mean, if I'm engaging in more, like, action than the contestants, doesn't that mean the contestant is doing nothing?
* **Pi****e**: What are you talking about?

[*Match points at Remote, who is frozen in place.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You told me to do nothing.
* **Ma****tch**: Oh, what the hell.
* **Pi****e**: [*correcting her*] What the *Naraka*.
* **Ma****tch**: *Tsu gezunt*.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Annette. /j
* **C****onch** **S****h****e****l****l**: Just go, please!
* **[** **P****i****n** · **R****e****m****ot****e** **]**: 'Kay-kay.

[*Exeunt, laughing.*]

#### Station #28 (PC)

* **B****e****ll**: Okay, so in this challenge, you have to avoid any sort of interaction with a Twobot! Very tricky! [*waves the "arms" of her costume around with a bit more success than before*] Yay, I did it! Guys, look, I did it! I am eventually a good Twobot!

[*Borpu and Thisso wave their arms around too.*]

* **B****e****ll**: [*Aside.*] Like you're one to talk.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Are you trying to be somebody you're not, Bell?
* **B****e****ll**: Well, I mean...
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Cos that's not a good look on you. I know that in BFB, I wanted to be a strong leader, like the people you see on the telly. But a few years of maths and one ocean send-off later, I realized that the way I was treating others was actually hurting people. So I stopped faking it all and decided to be myself, the version of myself that wanted to do the fairest service to objectkind. You see what I mean now, don't you, Bell? If you pretend to be something that doesn't represent you in the slightest, it's going to give you hell in the long run; and I should really like you to think of that. Okay?

[*Bell floats, silently for a second.*]

* **B****e****ll**: Have we even interacted before today?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, can I go now? I'm at the point where I can see Match having a nap at her station up there. Thank you, cheers, *danke schön*, and goodbye.

[*Exit, with her head held high.*]

* **Bor****p****u**: Damn.
* **B****e****ll**: Don't speak, you're ruining the mood. I'm still practically shocked.

[*Thisso pretends to zip his lips. Silence for a second.*]

* **Bor****p****u**: Oh, why does she have to be taken?

#### Station #33 (PI, RE)

[**Pin** *and* **Remote** *tiptoe over to the thirty-third challenge, where* **Price Tag**, **Leek**, **Car Rim Plush** *and* **Chakra** *await them. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1984**

[*Pin takes a nice, quick look at the sign and points at her suspect.*]

* **P****i****n**: Price Tag.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Hi!
* **P****i****n**: No—I mean, yes, hello, but... I can remember Remote saying that you were a time traveller.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That's right. I did choose them.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: And you're right, the both of you!
* **[** **Car Rim Plush** · **Ch****ak****ra** **]**: You may move on!

[*Pin and Remote go.*]

* **L****e****e****k**: Wait! [*They stop.*] You haven't said the names of *all* the time travellers here.
* **P****i****n**: Oh, that's right, there was Price Tag, yeah, but there was also... um...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: TV is one. That's one of the few ways you can tell us apart.
* **P****i****n**: Yep. But who was the other one?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Um. [*looks up at the next station*] Puffball.
* **P****i****n**: Right! There were three, so... can we go yet?
* **L****e****e****k**: Nope! You haven't said *my* name.
* **Car Rim Plush**: Wait, Leek, you're a time traveller?
* **Ch****ak****ra**: Who would have guessed?
* **L****e****e****k**: Really? Most of you guys don't know anything about me.
* **P****i****n**: So we finally get to go?
* **L****e****e****k**: Unfortunately for me, yes.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: And fortunately for yous... yes!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yay.

[*Exeunt.*]

#### Station #34 (PI, RE)

[**Pin** *and* **Remote** *come across the previously-invoked* **Puffball**, *as well as* **Mini Cyclone** *and* **Yon**, *at the station that represents contest #34. The floor of the station resembles a grid, or perhaps a dance floor, with its lines equidistant. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1984**

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wow.
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: Hello, Remote, Pin!
* **Y****o****n**: 안녕!
* **Puffball**: Fancy meeting you here, girls.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, this is, um, awkward.
* **Puffball**: How so?
* **P****i****n**: Well, the challenge here is to step on as many squares as you can and... none of you have legs.
* **Puffball**: Why else do you think Two chose us to staff this place? 'Cause we have the same vocal range as Kate Bush? /s
* **P****i****n**: Touché. [*looking down*] I see it now.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I've seen it ever since we got here.
* **P****i****n**: Well... let's get jumping!
* **Puffball**: I'll provide the soundtrack!

[*Pin and Remote start jumping on the squares.*]

* **Puffball**: ♫ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la *WHOOOOAAAH!* La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la *WHOOOOAAAH!* ♫

#### Station #31 (PC)

[*Enter* **Pencil**. *Umtaya notices and waves at her.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Hey, Pencil!
* **I****ne****i**: Enjoying the good vibes we're putting up here?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, of course. I think I like this sort of music. None of you were there, but this reminds me of that quadraphonic stereo system Four installed in the EXIT whilst I was studying there.

[*The band stops playing.*]

* **Mj****unga**: Did she say *quadraphonic*?
* **I****ne****i**: That's enough to make even the healthiest of LPers sick!
* **Kuda****sai**: Horrible, horrible!

[*Inei, Kudasai and Mjunga prepare to jump on the trampolines.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: W- what are you doing?
* **Mj****unga**: We're bouncing!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?

[*All jump off the structure. Manet* **Umtaya**.]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Don't worry, they got trampolines down there that'll bring us up again.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Are you playing the jumping game as well, Umtaya?
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Of course. If all your friends were on the Island of Mozambique Bridge...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Huh?
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: I don't know, I heard it somewhere. Boob-bye! *Wheeee!*

[*Umtaya jumps off the fake Second Hotel.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: [*jumping, off-screen*] Swan-dive *power!*

[**Pencil** *shrugs and moves on...*]

#### Station #32 (PC)

[*... to the next scene, where* **Pie**, **Conch Shell** *and* **Match** *are doing what looks like yoga but most likely isn't.*]

* **Ma****tch**: I hear footsteps.
* **Pi****e**: Hearing counts as doing something. The best thing to do is to tune it out.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hello.

[*Match gets up at an alarmingly fast speed.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Ow!
* **Pi****e**: What's the matter? Is there an invisible ceiling that only high-born people like you can feel?
* **Ma****tch**: No, like, O-M, like, G, short, like, Pie, like, look, like, it's, like, Pencil!
* **C****onch** **S****h****e****l****l**: Dear Cambrian biology, will you please speak the President's English?
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Ello, Match.
* **Ma****tch**: What are you, like, doing here? I thought you'd be way in the front!
* **P****e****nci****l**: You forget that I've got to go through your station first. Oh, but I wish I were up in front. I'm *so* not doing very well back here.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, while you're not doing well, I'm doing, like, *perfectly!* Who knew I could be the absolute best at doing nothing?

#### Station #30 (BH)

[*Camera pan to two stations away from Pencil, where* **Black Hole** *is at the "Don't think about joining Ilta" challenge.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hi.
* **Sc****is****so****rs**: Hey, Black Hole!
* **Binchana**: Wonderful day we are having today.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes, it is, um. How are you going to judge this contest exactly?
* **Z****i****p****ola**: Simple. [*Beat.*] Can you explain it, Scissy?
* **Sc****is****so****rs**: Sure. The person who doesn't think of joining Ilta Y. Atgaw's show moves on to the next station! Everyone else has done it with ease, so why don't you try?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Okay. [*does not think of joining Ilta Y. Atgaw's show*] That was easy.
* **Binchana**: You have completed this station successfully.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*going*] But wait... Shouldn't Ilta be here, so that it's harder not to think about joining his show?
* **Sc****is****so****rs**: Hey, why should I care if none of us have even competed here?
* **Binchana**: And we do not know what happened to Ilta.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh. [*Awkward silence.*] Then carry on, I suppose.
* **Z****i****p****ola**: [*waving*] Bye!

[*Exit* **Black Hole**.]

## Subplot, part 6

### **Anchor's RaB**

**Scene****Pen** and the **kids** are sitting around the Weight-ing Room, all bored.
* **R****h****oza**: This... is the worst day ever.
* **Y****es****a**: Even worse than when that guy in the street made us go through that portal to the Sun and we had to find our way back to Earth by riding the solar winds that nearly tore us apart until we were discovered by that Russian Venus probe who happened to have that date on Sunspot #23?

[*Pen looks at Yesa, extremely confused.*]

* **R****h****oza**: Yes.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Hey, look, a TV!

[*All gasp.*]

* **P****en**: TV, eh? There you go, everyone likes that.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): This is my exercise for today, guys.

[*The kids laugh. Ivor gets up and turns on the TV, which shows live security footage of the Weight-ing Room.*]

* **P****en**: No way, that's me up there! [*waves at the security camera*] *Ciao, bello!*
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): I guess Mr. Marino must watch this in his free time.
* **Y****es****a**: I'm not sure how I feel about that.
* **O****is** (Lou): Can you change the channel, Ivor?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Yeah, I just hope he's got cable in here. Otherwise this is some very expensive mirror.

[*Ivor turns the dial and somehow the live feed from the boathouse changes to live feed from the competition.*]

* **Kids**: Oooh!

[*Ivor moves out of the way and returns to his spot. The picture shows* **Pin** *and* **Remote** *stepping on the squares of Station #34.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Hey, it's Pin and Remote!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Wow, they must be dancing to Pillow Abdul!

[*At the same time as previous dialogue.*]

**Puffball**: ♫ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la *WHOOOOAAAH!* La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la *WHOOOOAAAH!* ♫
**Min****i Cyc****lone**: Keep on jumping, girls!
**Y****o****n**: 나중에 조금 절반이야! [*Subtitles: "Almost halfway there!"*]
[*The camera then pans to* **Pencil**, *who is at the previous stage with* **Price Tag**, **Leek**, **Car Rim Plush** *and* **Chakra**. *Pen smiles slightly, while the kids all cheer when they see their mother.*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Mummy!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): It's about time she gets screen time.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Shut up, everybody, she's about to say something!

[*On the screen.*]

**P****e****nci****l**: Why on earth should I want to identify time travellers? Do I look like a blind item for *The Post on Sunday*?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Ha-*ha*, that's our mum, alright!
* **Y****es****a**: Always got the smartest remarks.

**P****ri****c****e Tag**: Just name someone, Pencil; it'll make this whole thing go a lot more quickly.
**P****e****nci****l**: Right-o, but only 'cos I can't go on if I keep what I've got to say to myself. Er, it's got to be you... [*points to Price Tag*] you... [*points to Leek*] and you. [*points at Chakra*]
**Ch****ak****ra**: I'm 23, but I was born in 1966. Good try!
**P****e****nci****l**: Spare me the compliments, mate. If you knew me, I'm nearly always wrong. I make some good choices in my life, sure, but usually people find the things I do well disagreeable.
* **P****en**: Uh, kids, h- how about we turn off the TV, eh?

[*He gets up and turns off the television. The kids start to complain at once.*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): But I want to watch Mummy again!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Yeah, Pen, taking away our right to see our mother on TV is media censorship!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Turn on the boob tube again, you turkey!

[*Pen gets up.*]

* **P****en**: I'm afraid I can't do that. No way. K-N-O-W. No.
* **O****is** (Lou): You let Sam watch reruns of *Ball in the Family*, but none of us get to see Mum in what might be her last contest ever? What's up with that?
* **P****en**: This has nothing to do with you, Lewis, or any of you other kids either. It's absolutely personal.
* **Y****es****a**: Personal?
* **P****en**: Whenever I see your mother on TV and she talks bad about herself, I get this feeling. I get real sad. I wish I could be there to cheer her on, to tell her how much she's loved and she shouldn't talk that way. [*smiles a tiny bit*] Gosh... Pencil. She's the best babe ever. If I didn't have her around, I wouldn't know what to do with this scary new life I have now.

[*Silence for a second.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): [*off-screen*] Now I know what this is about. You hate us, don't you?
* **P****en**: Huh?

[*Pen turns to look at Zira on the opposite side of the room, who is practically glaring at him. The other kids look at her with surprise.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): You hate us. You don't even want us near you 'cause you think we get in the way of you and Mum.
* **P****en**: Now that is not true!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Then why did you bring us here? Is it 'cause we got you kicked out of that eliminated chat group?

[*Soni exspectati of agreement from the others.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): And he's going to leave us again, I just know it!
* **P****en**: I can't believe you're saying that, my *nice* child! Not that the rest of you aren't nice, but...
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Forget it. I don't want to talk to you any more.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Me neither!
* **P****en**: Buh... Yesa, you're old and wise and mature-like, w- what do you have to say about all this?
* **Y****es****a**: Did you really think for a second that you taking us on a boat trip in the middle of nowhere was just so you could distract yourself from that incident? You may come up with the most ridiculous schemes to get others to do what you want, Pen, but we're not falling for it. Face it, we are far too learned to go along with a trick like that.
* **P****en**: Gosh, you guys really know how to read me the riot act, you know that? Thought at least some of you would've appreciated my- my token of appreciation.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Since when did appreciation mean leaving us for two months? That's long enough to make some people upset... like us.

[*Soni exspectati of agreement.*]

* **P****en**: [*softly*] Wha?

[*He sits down again.*]

* **P****en**: You guys never told me you were upset I went out.
* **O****is** (Lou): Well, at first we weren't.

[*Soni exspectati of agreement.*]

* **O****is** (Lou): We couldn't care less if you wanted nothing to do with us. It's not like we had any mum and dad to raise us to begin with; and the nine of us, we've got a stronger bond with each other than anyone else we have "ink relations" with.
* **P****en**: Then what's this all about?
* **O****is** (Lou): When we finally got to meet you, it turned out you weren't such a... how do you say it...
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Careless jerk.
* **O****is** (Lou): Yeah, a careless jerk like we thought. I mean, we (most of us, I should say) started to think you're one of the good guys out there. So I suppose that is why we're all kind of cross at the moment. The thought that somebody like you could hide your anger towards us and your desire to leave us again under the guise of a nice family outing.
* **P****en**: I don't want to leave you guys again, ever! Please believe me!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): You sure about that, Pen?
* **P****en**: Sure I'm sure! I mean, you guys are my kids. If I didn't love yous, it'd be worse than if I showed up at a formal affair without a cap.

[*Beat. Ita gets up, the only one to grasp the meaning of his statement.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Wow, he really means it, guys!
* **Y****es****a**: Steady on, Ita. [*to Pen*] How do we know you really *want* to be our father?
* **P****en**: Well... that's actually why I took you out today. I thought if we did what my own dad did when I was younger, we could finally connect with each other. Strengthen the bond between parent and child, y'know?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): That makes sense! Most parents care about the well-being of their offspring.
* **P****en**: I can't take credit for everything; some of it was your mother's doing, too. So what do you say? We good?

[*He looks around and sees that Zira has turned around, not wanting to look at him.*]

* **P****en**: Zira?

[*Zira shakes her head no.*]

* **R****h****oza**: She's still mad you said your new life is scary. [*Beat.*] We twins can read each other's minds.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): B- because unless you're an "O-cult girl" like Rho, *scary* means something really bad, and you think it's really bad that we're in your life.
* **P****en**: [*Aside.*] Oh yeah, there's that. [*Aloud; going to her*] D'aww, Zira... I'm awfully sorry for saying that. And I'm sorry to all of you for how I treated you guys. First I thought I only had one kid to be a father to... and I guess seeing all of you made me real scared. Scared enough to run away, as a matter of fact. But now, now that I'm in here with all of you, I can see you're not so scary after all. Can you ever forgive me?

[*Zira looks at Pen.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Yeah, I guess so. And... I'm sorry too, for treating you bad like everybody else.
* **O****is** (Lou): I think we all are.
* **R****h****oza**: Maybe being in outer space was a little worse than being with you. But yeah, we were total scuzzes to you. Sorry.

[*Soni exspectati of agreement and apology, quiet.*]

* **Y****es****a**: You have to admit, if we behaved like this around Mum, she'd probably send us to boarding school.
* **P****en**: Trust me, there will be no boarding school with me around. We'll stay together, even if we get zoned! Whaddaya think of that, gang?
* **Most of the kids**: Yeah!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): I say we let the positive energy in with a great big group hug!

[*Soni exspectati. Yesa tilts the cot over so that all may embrace one another, except Sol, who stands in the background.*]

* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Get over here, S.V.! You're missing out!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Fine.

[*He joins the embrace, smiling a bit.*]

* **P****en**: Aww, if only I had my camera, then I could show Pencil we're finally getting along!
* **Y****es****a**: It's moments like this that either end up in the family scrapbook or reported to a psychologist.

[*All let go.*]

* **P****en**: Hey, we've got a contest to get to! What d'yous say we go home and watch your mom win the gold, eh?

[*All cheer.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): But the door's locked and we can't break the windows!

[*All groan (as in BFB 6).*]

* **P****en**: That's o-kay, we got into this mess as a family, so that's how we'll get out of it, together, *insieme*, μαζί! Who's with me?

[*Pen sees that everyone has split up to work individually on their escape plans. He shrugs and does the same, smiling, for he has finally left a "very special talk" with a sense of self-satisfaction.*]

## Contest, part 7

### **All the World's a Contest**

**Scene**The setting of this episode's challenge.
#### Station #34 (PI, RE → PC, PI, RE)

[**Remote** *and* **Pin** *continue to step on as many squares as they can as* **Mini Cyclone** *and* **Yon** *watch them and* **Puffball** *sings. Soni exspectati, or a great deal of ad libbing. Stuff like...*]

* **P****i****n**: I got red!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It needs more green.
* **Puffball**: ♫ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la *WHOOOOAAAH!* La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la *WHOOOOAAAH!* La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! ♫

[*Enter* **Pencil**. *The squares on which her feet land have already been coloured red and green.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Whoooah.

[*Remote and Pin stop jumping.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Please excuse me, ladies, I see that I've crashed a party of two.
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: [*in the background*] Make that five!
* **P****i****n**: Pencil!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hi, you finally made it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, so we can finish the rest of the stages together! Are you almost done here?
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, almost. How many unfilled squares are left?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: One.

[*Pencil looks down and sees that the last white square is right next to her.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: And it looks like it will be mine *right—*

[*Remote suddenly jumps on the square, turning it green.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Remote! [*raises her arm, but lowers it quickly*] No, no, I'm not going to slap somebody shorter than I am.
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: [*Aside.*] I guess even arses have standards.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sorry, Pencil. Sometimes my competitiveness-ness takes over.
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's fine. At least now we can move on.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, together!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't push it, Pin.

[*Exeunt.*]

#### Station #35 (PC, PI, RE)

[**Liy**, **Salt Lamp** *and* **Spejlan** *are having a quiet conversation in Swedish, while* **Snowflake** *weaves herself in and out of it.*]

* **Li****y**: ... stanna till i stan innan du åker.
* **Sa****lt** **L****am****p**: Fantastiskt, jag kan inte vänta på restaurangerna!
* **Spe****j****l****an**: Uh, bättre än vad jag serverade på Filing Cabinet, eller hur?

[*All laugh. Enter* **Pin**, **Remote** *and now* **Pencil** *to the station representing the thirty-fifth contest. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1985**

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*clears her throat, speaking slowly*] Din ljusknapp är lika blockig som en ko.

[*Liy, Salt Lamp and Spejlan laugh.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Hear that, Liy? I dug deep into my brain and gave you a taste of what I found in there.
* **Snowflake**: What did she say?
* **Li****y**: She said I was cow-like, physically.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I know what I said! I was just testing you to see whether you'd respond to my statement with a legitimate greeting.
* **Li****y**: Yes. Hello, Pencil, and you too, Pin and Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hey. In the English sense.
* **Li****y**: Right.
* **Sa****lt** **L****am****p**: Yeah.

#### Station #32 (BH)

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Pie.
* **Pi****e**: [*not looking at him*] Hello, Black Hole. Perfect day not to do anything, isn't it?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Exactly.

[*Black Hole stops moving.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, I can still hear you!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: How? I'm not, not doing anything.
* **Ma****tch**: Like, yes, you are. Y'know, I bet it's probably 'cause *I'm*, like, around.
* **C****onch** **S****h****e****l****l**: Sure, he's probably trying not to be sick to his event horizon. /s
* **Ma****tch**: Like, you know what? This is, like, a totally learnable experience.
* **C****onch** **S****h****e****l****l**: Yeah, it's called a lesson. /s
* **Ma****tch**: You can't resist me here, Black Hole, and you know it.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Are you, flirting with me?
* **Ma****tch**: What? No, I can never admit to that!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*oblivious*] Good. I'll have you know that I'm not into Earth objects that way. Well, all except for one, whose name I won't tell you.
* **Pi****e**: I know.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You also know every digit of pi, or, as Gregg would say, of "pee". [*sighs*] Oh, seeing as I'm not the one doing anything, but the one that things are being done *to*, I'd better go. I feel like I've earned something, at this station. Thank you for having me, Pie and, er, friends, and goodbye.

[*Black Hole goes but Match physically stops him.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Wait, but you didn't do, like, nothing yet!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [**rolling his eyes**] I'm very slightly annoyed right now.

#### Station #35 (PC, PI, RE → PI, RE)

* **Li****y**: Looks like all you have to do here is not speak Insvenska, er, Swedish.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That shouldn't be too hard. Deleting all knowledge of the Swedish tongue.
* **P****i****n**: Don't do that, you might need it one day!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You're right; look where it got Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Uuuggh, bloody hell, I suppose that disqualifies me.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That it does.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Which means that any minute now, I shall be punished by...

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Sa****lt** **L****am****p**: Two!
* **Two**: Surprise! Er... Salty Lampy?
* **Sa****lt** **L****am****p**: [*bows down*] Jag är inte värdig, jag är inte värdig.
* **Two**: Pencil, pray tell, what's it actually like to go through my sack of challenges and disrespect two divided by two of them?
* **P****e****nci****l**: So what if I was speaking Swedish? I was showing politeness!
* **Li****y**: You called me a heifer!
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, I said you were *like* one. Equating you to livestock was never my intention, even when you left the EXIT for that farm in America.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*Aside.*] She just pulled the simile card.
* **P****i****n**: America?
* **Two**: Well, no matter that. Pencil, you failed a challenge, so back to the start you go!
* **P****e****nci****l**: No!
* **Two**: Hold me closer! [*holds Pencil's hand*]

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two** *with* **Pencil**. *Pin and Remote look at each other, worried.*]

* **Li****y**: Come now, it's not that bad. You could just speak to us in English.
* **Sa****lt** **L****am****p**: Or we could not speak at all.
* **Spe****j****l****an**: That's the way everyone does it.
* **P****i****n**: But that wouldn't be fair to the four of you.

[*Liy, Salt Lamp and Spejlan look at Snowflake.*]

* **Snowflake**: Don't look at me, I'm a British Icelander of Snowball's ilk. Haven't a clue what you're saying half the time.
* **P****i****n**: Ah, Remote! With Pencil gone, how will we finish the challenge?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: With a greater chance of winning.

[*Exeunt.*]

Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Notes

1. ↑ Notwithstanding the many exceptions.
2. ↑ This is a one-off scene; she can't really fly. I think.
3. ↑ That's a fine way of saying "Out of my way, I need my space!"
4. ↑ Jealousy is an ugly thing. It already appeared twice in the episode (once with a plushie), so I think I should better tone it down.

**Fake TPOT** [V]