King Harkinian

**King Harkinian** is a fat, hairy, but jolly king. He rules all of Hyrule, including its five regions. He is also a famous character in YouTube Poop.

## Appearance

In the Phillips CD-i games and most YouTube Poops, King Harkinian has dark blonde hair and a beard with a moustache. He also wears a yellow-orange robe and wears a crown with a small star. In the TV series, he wears a red robe with a blue undershirt and has white hair, and has some sort of star or something on his crown instead.

## Personality

The King seems to be very hot-headed and eccentric. He has obsessions with many things, especially dinner, ships, scrubbing and the number four. He sometimes will repeat things over and over so Link will hear him, and he has a severe case of pedophilism, alchoholism, and gluttony. Although his intelligence level is debatable and seems to vary depending on his state of mind, he is capable of inventing things like the Dinner Blaster and a robotic duplicate of Link.

## Life

John Harkinian was born to Clythia and Harold Harkinian on January 2, 1955. He is the oldest of their eight children. Anyway, he didn't learn to walk until he was 5, and couldn't speak until he was four, explaining why he keeps saying "for" a lot to this day. After that, his teachers were bribed into moving him from nursery school all the way to third grade. However, his father was exiled for bribing teachers to allow an "imbecilic eggface" to reach the third grade, which Harky flunked out of anyway in 1963, the same year his father died. He also bought his signature goblet around that time.

From age 8 until 15, John lived with his mother, the Queen of Hyrule. He was fed too much breakfast, which disgusted him, and he ended up being overfed dinner too. Even worse, he was forced to eat poop for lunch every day. Under the influence of his crazy uncle Joseph, he also ended up abusing drugs. His mother abandoned him and went to Koridai in 1970. Forced to live on his own, Harkinian raised his siblings and did some self-discipline, such as not eating lunch ever again and telling people to attack him. He also managed to slowly wean himself off of drugs. By the age of 21, he was a ready king.

At his coronation in 1976, King Harkinian married Tylda Jones. He immediately began to issue laws saying that anyone who refused their kids the right of eating dinner would be imprisoned, and in the second year of his reign, he fought off an attack on Koridai by Ganon.

In 1985, John and Tylda had a child, who they named Zelda after her mother's planned name. The King wasn't exactly a doting father to Zelda; he'd often throw the Triforce of Courage and attacked her whenever she expressed her freedom of speech. This was around the time King Harkinian was becoming a drunkard, so Tylda hired a babysitter, her mother Impa, to aid her. She was a much more doting mother. The King tried to get rid of his alcoholism at the Hylian Alcoholic Rehabilitation Center, but this didn't work very well.

Things barely improved, so in 1991, the King hired Link to attack Ganon and steal his money. The King was pleased with Link, eventually naming the youth as a Mah Boi, but when the King traveled to Gamelon two years later to aid his cousin Duke Onkled, Ganon got his revenge by capturing the King. Zelda defeated Ganon, however, and the King's way of thinking changed forever.

In 1996, the King ran for president of the USA with Fat Mario as his running mate. He won, but just a few months after his inauguration, he was deposed in favor of Bill Clinton. This was probably because of the King's lack of experience and his plans to move the capital to Flagstaff, Arizona, which is much like his home city. Defeated, the King went back to Hyrule and started KingPictures Co., the predecessor to modern YouTube Poop.

In 2005, The King began to appear in YouTube Poop that year when YouTube bought KingPictures. By now, he earns over 9,000 Hyrule dollars a week, or just over 1,280 a day and over 50 an hour.

As of November 2013, The King is a helper to Link, Zelda, Duke Onkled, Macaulay Culkin and Butch Patrick.

## Sexual Orientation

The King is mostly straight, even showing signs of pedophilism on Zelda. He's sometimes gay, kissing Link or Gwonam. Sometimes he will even be attracted to hermaphrodites. He is basically bisexual, but recently he's had sexual orientation towards computers and animals.

## Age

Some are not certain of his age, but many agree he is in his 50's or 60's. He celebrated his 54th birthday on January 2, 2009, so his age was confirmed for the first time.

## Sanity Issues

King Harkinian is known to be mentally unstable, and certain things like bricks, refrigerators, and Reese's Pieces will make him lose his sanity or even his ability to think or speak. He also has alchoholism.

## Family

The king has four brothers and three sisters. His mother is dead, and so is his father. He is a bachelor and a widower since his wife died, too. He has a daughter, Zelda.

## Religious Views

King Harkinian has been a devout atheist for most of his life ("Link is under attack by the evil forces of God") but tends to celebrate Christian traditions like Christmas and uses the Christian calendar. In mid-2010, however, he converted to Islam, and now he promotes the teachings of the Koran to anyone who will listen.

## Occupation

King Harkinian has held a variety of jobs other than just being a king. He was also a warrior, a spokesperson for the War on Lunch, the founder and CEO of King Harkinian Cereal Co., and has been an officer of the Time Travel Police. Sometimes he is unemployed, and other times he is a time traveler. He is also a lawyer, a writer, an inventor, and is part of a group that works to make warriors strive for peace. He is also a shoe salesman, a mustard tester, and a drink tester. For two months, he was also president of the USA.

## Aliases

* The King
* King of Hyrule
* Father
* Your majesty
* Your omnipotence
* My liege

## Hobbies

The King has lots of hobbies, including, of course, eating dinner. He sometimes likes attacking people, and listens/dances to music, especially disco. He also likes reading, but it is mostly newspapers and brochures that he likes to read, not Writewell. He sometimes likes playing the Wii, but his keeps malfunctioning. Sometimes he looks to his friends like Gwonam to entertain him.

## Trivia

* He drinks diarrhea.
* His favorite color is light orange-ochre.
* He tends to get drowsy when eating feces.
* He tends to attack Link and Zelda a lot.
* He likes getting massages from Gwonam.
* His favorite TV show is *Scrubs*, his favorite movie is *Jaws*, his favorite TV character is Kenny McCormick, and his favorite band is KISS.
* He marketed Munf Munf until it was declared illegal.
* He once actually got munps from Munf Munf.
* If combined with a Dinner Blaster or a Dinner Blaster v2, he becomes very powerful.
* He once oah'd Duke Onkled.
* He has a serious obsession with cereal and spider meat.
* He once accidentally attacked Barack Obama.
* He can swim for months without stopping.
* He sometimes peeps into Princess Toadstool's door to see what she's doing. This is a very anti-uctiony thing to do.
* He hates meme replacement.
* He got tired of Mah Boi and dinner a long time ago.
* He likes passing gas.
* He eats chocolate egg, but when Link ate his egg, he imprisoned him.
* He has traveled into the future, the past, the 5th dimension, Hell, heaven, and the Earth.
* He eats a lot of antacids to explode his anus.
* He rubs his butt on the floor like a dog.
* He kisses dogs.
* He hates Bill Clinton for winning his election.
* He often watches porn whenever he's on a computer.
* He has AIDS, but the HIV is dead, meaning his blood is a cure for AIDS.
* He has the power to shoot energy balls out of his hands.
* He can see the second dimension of time.
* If he eats Reeses' Pieces, he will go crazy.
* He has made multiple attempts to create and capitalize cereal, but most have failed.
* He seems to have made an enemy with Mario Head.
* Gnorris once gave him AIDS.
* He once thought he was Billy Mays.
* If you make him really angry, he will pull out his Dinner Blaster and attack everyone in the room.
* He starred in every YouTube Poop video game to date.
* He is very conflicted on whether or not he likes his boy.
* He once grew so huge he ended up eating Link.
* He has been repeatedly killed, but he kept escaping the pit to come back to life.
* He once had a gay affair with Link.
* He got trapped in I.M. Meen's book, in which he met a fairy and ate it.
* He has constant arguments with Mario characters.
* He created the role-playing game "Morshu" starring Morshu.
* He likes sports and doesn't care who knows it.

## Quotes

* "Mah boi, this peaces is what all true warriors strive for!"
* "Hmm, how can we help?"
* "Zelda, Duke Onkled is under attack by the evil forces of Ganon. I'm going to Gamelon to aid him."
* "I'll take the Triforce of Courage to protect me. If you don't hear from me in a month, send Link."
* "Enough. My ship sails in the morning. I wonder what's for dinner?"
* "You saved me!"
* "After you scrub all the floors in Hyrule. Then we can talk about mercy. Take him away!"
* "Oah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
* "Yes! Funny cereal!"
* "I'm going to San Francisco."
* "Don't you understand what a month means?"
* "Zelda, the floor is under my feet."
* "I saved myself!"
* "Zelda, I'm always talking about dinner."
* "Talk to me, boy."
* "I don't know what to say."
* "Enough is enough. What the f--k is dinner?"
* "Mah boi, I'm going to use my eyes as a camera."
* "Help me! Save me! Protect me!"
* "Mah boi, this Wii is what all true warriors strive for!"
* "You owned me!"
* "Hey, we can talk about balls!"
* "This is mah boi, Link. He's gay, as you can see."
* "Enough. I'm going to Subway for dinner."
* "Don't talk s--t, what's for my f--king dinner?"
* "I'm gay! Oh s--t, I didn't mean to say that."