Zurg Ü

So you’ve heard of Zurg, right? Y’know, the the arch nemesis of Buzz Lightyear and the villain from Toy Story 2?

Yes? But did you know there was an entire pilot episode about him?

I found the tape on Pixar HQ.

And yes, that's right, I walked into Pixar Headquarters and attempted to find the lost Zurg tape if they would even be able to do something about it.

They didn't exactly take me seriously.

I spoke to Joe Ranft but he just....laughed at me. He wouldn't stop ***FUCKING*** laughing. He just kept laughing and laughing and ***LAUGHING*** at me as his face turned into the human personification of the fucking laughing with tears emoji like a fucking banshee.

He then pulled out a fucking water gun and fuckin' sprayed me with it. What the fuck? He was like a fucking baby.

"Pew pew!" Joe Said.

Honestly, what the hell? Was he fucking mentally ill or some SHIT?!

Finally, he began to speak between bursts of laughter.

"Go look in the trash, Rigbone!"

He kicked me out of the HQ and I looked in the trash cans, and I found it. The tape labeled "Zurg's attempt to shine".

I took it home.

What I saw will never leave me.

The episode started with a view of Zurg’s lair with several robots guarding it, as it began playing pop music.

We then see Zurg, who was lying on a robotic lawnchair. He had some headphones on and he was listening to Chocolate Disco by Perfume, which was weird, because he doesn't have any visible ears, but we are talking about living toys, so it doesn't matter.

But he didn’t fucking move.

What the fuck was the point of this? Was he asleep? Was he fuckin' dead?

Finally, Zurg took off his headphones and got off his chair.

"It sucks that Buzz Lightyear kicked my ass. Fucking bullshit, I must say."

Did Zurg just said fucking bullshit? That was new. Now I don't know much about the Toy Story franchise. Why did Buzz kick his ass? (Just kidding, I actually know about the franchise, how I would write this if i wasn't educated on the movies?)

"I must get my revenge, Buzz won't get away with this!" he kept saying over and over again. Damm, he really was obsessed with that.

Zurg got up and went outside, but it was raining, Zurg just said "damm, this is heavy" as he got into his car, the Zurg Car.

What happened next horrified me.

The episode began to play some explicit rap song as Zurg started driving the Zurg Car through the road and smoking a joint. He kept leering out the window and laughing as a fucking tank suddenly came out of nowhere and started trying to stop him.

Listen, I shit you not, fucking Spongebob Squarepants was driving the tank.

"YOU ARE FUCKING CRINGE!" Spongebob yelled at him as he started firing at the Zurg Car while Grass Skirt Chase played. Zurg calls his robots and they shoot at spongey as Zurg screamed ***“YOU HAD MADE A MISTAKE TRYING TO DEFY ME!”***

I was really taken aback by the cursing in this shit. Did they had to be this fucking edgy?

Zurg then speeds his car up, but SpongeBob catches up.

Zurg came rising out of his car with his gun and shot Spongebob down.

"I guess Spongebob bit the fuckin’ dust, am I right?” Zurg said, as his minions grabbed Spongebob's corpse and threw it at the sky.

Ok, what the FUCK? I was still in shock from what I just saw. The pilot kept going, showing Zurg getting into a Hovercraft as NBA on TNT played on the background, and said "That fucker doesn't know that I'm aware of his location".

He flew until he reached Bonnie's house.

"COME OUT, ROBOTIC PUSSY!" he screamed, and someone got out of the house.

But that wasn't Buzz.

That was Woody..

"Long time no see, assface.” said Woody.

"Get outta my fuckin’ face, Ram Ranch fanatic." Zurg said.

"Why couldn't Ü just shrivel up and die?" Woody asked, to which Zurg responded by saying “I always come back, pisslips.”, mockingly. (lol is this a fnaf reference?)

Suddenly, Jessie appeared from the garden, riding a toy version of Epona from The fucking Legend Of Zelda for some reason.

What the fuck? First, characters from other shows that werent Pixar and now characters from FUCKING NINTENDO? I was really questioning myself why I was still watching this shit.

"YOLODO FUCKING YE HOOO!" Jessie said, as she pulled out a revolver and tried to shoot Zurg, but since he was fucking tall and the bullets were made out of plastic it didn't make any effect.

"Bitch, you expect that shit to work?" said Zurg mockingly.

"No one insults my friends!" Woody said, pulling out a fucking glock and shooting REAL bullets at Zurg, destroying part of his horns.

"Dude, what the fuck? It tooks me one hour to sharpen them!" Zurg said, pissed off.

"Ü won't be worrying about that very soon" Woody said, trying to shoot Zurg again.

Suddenly, MR. POTATO HEAD bursted from the ground, covered in dirt and grass. But something was wrong with this version of Mr. Potato Head, he sounded very low, like a fucking gangster.

"OH SHIT, OH FUCKING YEAH!" Mr Potato Head said.

Zurg said “I’LL TURN YOU INTO FRENCH FRIES!” while attacking him.

Mr. Potato head threw a granade at Zurg, but he grabbed it, squezzed and destroyed it with his own hands. "

"YOU CAN NEVER BEAT ME” said Zurg.

"Shut up already!" Mr. Potato said, throwing dirt at Zurg.

"Ugh, fuck this" Zurg said, as he pulled out a knife and stabbed Mr. Potato.

"NOOOOO!!!!" Woody and Jessie said.

"And now, YOU ARE NEXT!" said Zurg, but they already got in the house. Also it was night.

"Well, time to break into this shitty house" Zurg said.

He then broke down the door and started walking into the house, trying to make the less noise possible, even though he fucking broke down the door, like I just mentioned.

Suddenly, some fuckin' creepy voices could be heard.

"You shouldn't have come here..."

"Foolish creature..."

"You think your reign of terror won't dissapear?"

Then Xiibuss came out of nowhere. I guess he was the one making the creepy voices.

But it wasn't a toy/plush version of Xiibuss. No, it was the fucking real Xiibuss.

"Who the fuck are you?" Zurg asked.

"Your demise" Xiibuss said, as he began attempting to hypnotize Zurg, but Zurg put on a sleep mask.

Xiibuss then said "fuck it" and jumped off a window.

"That was easy" Zurg said, as he took off his mask.

The screen showed the toys sleeping when a loud scream was heard, which woke up everyone in the house.

The toys went to look the source, at Bonnie's room, and they found her and her mom, dead, with holes in their stomachs.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Buzz screamed.

"I told you, I would get my revenge" Zurg said, coming out under the bed.

"Shoot for the Ü" Woody said, crying, as he whipped out his pistol and shot Zurg, but Zurg was still intact.

"Pathetic" Zurg said, as he grabbed Woddy and ripped him off in half.

The toys started running, trying to escape, but Zurg just anhillated everyone, leaving only Buzz as a survivor.

Zurg and Buzz started fighting, shooting rays and shit. But Zurg managed to injure him heavily.

When he was about to finish off Buzz, a portal appeared behind Zurg, and Buzz took advantage of it, distracting Zurg and pushing him at the portal.

Buzz was relieved, but devastated because of his loss.

"You won't have to suffer anymore" Xiibuss said, who suddenly appeared, carreing a gas tank. He pulled out a gun and shot it, making the entire house fucking explode.

The credits played, but there was no music, only static.

After that, I destroyed the tape.

Man, I hope I never see that SHIT again.