Episode 5: You're Monkey People, All Of You

The Ne'er-Do-Wells B-Team, or so they're called when Angus isn't around, rush to the bank. Cerebralsaurus Rex is already there with his dinosaur soldiers, hoarding gold for their De-evolution beam, which he plans to use to revert all humans to their animal state, where they belong. Boanna, Carrion, Maxwell and Blank Page unload their strongest attacks on the dino-soldiers, one of whom 'nopes' behind a desk as a nametag that reads 'No'op' appears on his chest armor. Carrion rushes Cerebralsaurus, attempting to break his arm-cannon again but ending up with a broken rib himself. The fight was cut short by the appearance of a yellow tractor-beam descending through the still-broken roof of the bank, which whisked the dinosaur soldiers and Ne'er-Do-Wells up into the unknown.

When they all came to they found themselves jammed tight in a yellow glass tube, surrounded by monkeys wearing suits and holding yellow rifles for security. A large, shabby but somewhat regal monkey emerged from the crowd, wearing a fur cape with banana-shaped clasps and a paper crown reading 'Sandwich Lord.' He gazed with glee into the tube, ecstatic at the fact that he'd managed to capture both his targets and the Ne'er-Do-Wells. He lowered the tube and had the dinosaurs cuffed while his monkeys brought the de-evolution beam into another room.

That monkey- The Monkey King- welcomed the Ne'er-Do-Wells to his floating Colosseum, which was apparently where they were. He told them he's their *biggest* fan, that he has all their merchandise- which he manufactured himself- and that he has even crazier fan-theories about them. Carrion took the opportunity to collect No'op's name tag while the Monkey King rambled on. He had his assistant, a tiny money with a clipboard named Mark, pull down a projector screen. On it he had an image of his Ne'er-Do-Wells self-insert original-character, 'Monkey Demon,' who looked a lot like Arnos but with a yellow color scheme and bananas drawn crudely over his elfin ears. He told the group about all of the adventures that Monkey Demon and they go on in his fan-fictions, and all of the crazy, gorey sexual adventures he has with Carrion. He recognizes that this disturbs his heroes, and he instead takes them on a tour of the facility.

First he leads them to a lab, where his monkey scientists were hard at work deciphering the de-evolution beam. He revealed to the Ne'er-Do-Wells that he planned to use it to turn all of America into Monkeys so he could rule them as their King. They were un-surprised and let him ramble on, explaining his research into a banana-ripening laser that so far could only make them turn orange and explode. He then took them to the living quarters, where he had a special room arranged for all of them *just in case* he ever managed to have them aboard. Boanna's was fashioned like a medieval cloister, but all traces of holiness had been replaced with the Monkey King's own obsessive artwork of Selene Guest, with whom he wants to believe Boanna is romantically involved. Blank Page's room is a well-kept library, but every book she finds there is about bananas- how to grow them, how to care for them, even how to bring them back from the dead. Maxwell's room is similarly ridiculous, and expresses the Monkey King's admiration for his struggle to keep 'the beast' of Sevlock contained beneath his human exterior. Carrion's bedroom is large and plastered with images of Monkey Demon, with a heart-shaped bed in the center. At the foot of the bed is a chest full of particular objects that he had been better off not having seen.

They were informed that dinner was being served on the highest balcony of the Colosseum, and they followed a monkey bodyguard to the smell of bananas of every variety. Maxwell sent his pigeon off on a hunt for the Monkey King's pornography stash while the whole place was distracted. They sat with the Monkey King and watched his combatants take the sand. Cerebralsaurus Rex and his soldiers were being brought out with their claws still cuffed behind their backs, while a whole horde of monkey soldiers and a huge gorilla-like-robot loomed over them. Not wanting to offend the gracious King, the team was content to just watch the bloodshed. But something about the way he flaunted his status, how he expected everyone to bow down to him set something off in Maxwell and Sevlock broke free. He complained that *he* was the one that was supposed to be getting all the praise, not this brute. Offended, the Monkey King opened up a trap door under Maxwell's seat and he slides into the arena. The others follow, not wanting to see their enemy be so mercilessly trampled by the Monkey King's warriors.

Maxwell blasts a bolt of magic up into the seating area, breaking the glass and sending shards flying at all of the monkeys there. Mark is hit hard, and he slides to the ground injured. Boanna uses her magic to patch him up, an act of kindness he does not forget. The Monkey King watches in horror as his supposed heroes begin to slowly take down his monkey army. Outraged, he slid down his own trap door and into the fray. Cerebralsaurus and his soldiers dropped down into some even more conveniently-placed doors in the floor, and the fight became a man-vs.-monkey ordeal. There were many monkeys large and small on the field, and the Ne'er-Do-Wells struggled to keep up with their quick movements. Boanna used a bit of her newly-discovered demonic energy to create larger blasts of magic that would incapacitate more of the smaller targets more quickly. Page and Maxwell focused on the giant robot monkey, whom they hoped wouldn't take well to their lightning. Eventually the smaller monkeys fell and the group was allowed to focus on the larger problem at hand. Carrion fought the robot directly, breaking through its chest with his fists and screaming, 'this is for the fan fiction!' as he tore its wiring out.

The Monkey King emerged then, decked out in full samurai-style banana armor. Two bandoleers of yellow grenades were strung across his back, and he held two yellow scimitars in his furry hands. He cried out to the Ne'er-Do-Wells, denouncing them as his heroes, calling them fakers, traitors and everything. They focused their fire on him with his minions out of the way. Carrion tried to land a few punches on the Monkey King, but he was surprisingly fast under all that armor. They fought for awhile but got nowhere, until Cerebralsaurus Rex and No'op appeared fully armed through the doors of the Colosseum. Cerebralsaurus blasted the Monkey King in the back with his laser cannon out of spite, and his armor crumbled right off. He stood there, naked and embarrassed in front of his former heroes. All he could do was let out a few quick poops, which he pelted at the corporeal members of the Ne'er-Do-Wells, missing entirely.

Cerebralsaurus and No'op were eager to move in for the kill, but another step forward landed them right in one of the Monkey King's perfect trap doors. So the Ne'er-Do-Wells battled the naked and consequently quicker Monkey King until he could take no more. Carrion tackled him to the ground, choking him through his thick-furred neck while the others whittled him down. It was a touching, intimate and altogether disgusting moment, and when the Monkey King found himself unable to escape he released the pins on all of his potassium grenades at once, sending the Ne'er-Do-Wells flying back and disappearing into the yellow smoke.

Just then a siren began to go as the Colosseum was set to self-destruct. Mark the Monkey, remembering that Boanna had helped him, ushered the team to the banana-shaped escape pods. The pigeon returned with nothing, and they and Mark piled into a pod and descended to the ground. The Colosseum crashed in a surprisingly un-populated wooded area, and when all of the monkeys exited their pods, now free of their King's control, they decided to live peacefully in the California trees.