Headhunters: The Hateful Eight

## Introduction and a Special Announcement

YUGE announcement this week as I write to you from beyond the grave.

As you all know, this has been a test season to see if we all enjoy the Headhunters format. I think the general consensus is that this has been a major success on all fronts. I'd like to work out a better way to see the live scoring, but otherwise pretty good.

Since this is a test season we didn't put any money down, but we are still playing for something and I'd like to reveal that something to you now.

BEHOLD:

The winner of 2019 Headhunters will receive an immunity idol that can be used once during the 2020 Headhunters season. Here are the rules of the idol:

1. It can be played once between week 1 and week 12, which means if you haven't used it during the first 11 weeks you can play it week 12 for an automatic bid into the top 5. After that, the idol loses its power forever.
2. The idol can be played any time between Tuesday and the 4:25pm kickoffs on Sunday. Just like in "Survivor," you won't be able to play the idol after all results are revealed. You might play it, only to find that you weren't going to be eliminated anyway. Or you may hesitate to play it, only to find that you get eliminated and take the idol to the grave. With great power comes great fantasy football decisions.
3. If you play the idol and finish last, you are saved and the second worst team that week will get eliminated.
4. At any time, you may auction off the idol to the remaining teams for FAAB money. You may also sell the idol or include the idol in any trades.
5. Unlike with picks, FAAB money, and players, you may donate the idol to save another team any time before the 425 Sunday cut-off for that given week. Collude if you dare.
6. The idol may be cashed in at any time for bonus cash with the league office. However, the idol loses value every week you hold on to it. Before week one, it will be worth $120 in FAAB money. Every week it will lose $10 in value. Cash it in early for maximum value, or hold it at your own risk.

We still have seven weeks remaining in the 2019 season, but the competition for the 2020 Headhunters trophy has already begun.

## In Memorium: Bad Boys

It has been a season of narrow escapes for Bad Boys, but in the end Big Ben tolled midnight on this Cinderella season. It was his trade of Julio Jones for Dede Westbrook, John Brown, and Phil Lindsay that did him in. If he had just started Damien Williams and the Detroit guys he dropped for Brown and Phil, he'd still be alive. SAD!

The 930am London game is said to have pretzeled Bad Boy's brain, as he was moving apartments over the weekend and couldn't keep his time zones straight. Not sure why he didn't already have his lineup set, since any red blooded fantasy guy knows you should tweak your lineup throughout the week and then double-check by Saturday night before bed to set up optimal scoring in case of a situation where you are being held hostage at kickoff and can't get to your Yahoo app.

It's good news for the rest of the league that Bad Boys is gone. They may have sucked dick all season, but I really think they were starting to put it all together. They had Kamara coming back, along with Josh Gordon debuting for the Seahawks and AJ Green getting healthy. Diggs was heating up. I don't know how far they could have gone with so little cash but I do believe that if they hadn't been out this week they could have gone a little deeper.

I'm rushing the writeup this week so I don't really have anything else witty or funny to say, except that it's hilarious that he was beat out by less than a point by his arch rival: Bobecue Chicken. For those not in the loop, these two did the passive aggressive trade thing with each other earlier this season. You know, when a guy sends a genuine trade offer and you are so insulted by it that you send one back that's like his three best players and a 1st round pick for Darrell Henderson and a bag of twizzlers.

Bobecue lives to passive aggressively trade another day. And Bad Boys walks off into the sunset in the Eastern Time Zone. He died like a dog. A beautiful dog.

Bad Boys:

## New Releases

1. Alvin Kamara
2. Deshaun Watson
3. Stefon Diggs
4. Robert Woods
5. Philip Lindsay
6. BONUS: Josh Gordon making his debut for the Seattle Seahawks

## Week Nine Bidding Results

Bid Bullets:

* Forget drinking and driving, they need to outlaw working at a Halloween store and bidding on fantasy players. This is the most ridiculous, ill-advised move by Guilloteam so far in this entire season by anyone. Only two teams had over $113 left, and both have histories of being conservative with their bids. The notion that Guilloteam felt to get Dalvin Cook they needed to exhaust their entire bank account is so preposterous and illogical that I have no choice but to chalk it up to pumpkin brain and declare that next season he should refrain from placing any bids the week of Halloween.
* Al Snow doesn't utilize the writeup properly or he would have seen that Gallup went for $28 in week eight. No need to bid his trademark 69. A casual 6.9 would have done it.
* I wonder if now that teams have very little money left they think that unless they are bidding huge on players than they aren't going to bother at all. Or maybe their teams are already THAT good. I just can't comprehend why Ron Saquonson was able to get Sanu for free, and DJ Moore for $1.
* The curse of the Chris P continues as he wins yet another "big" name WR only to have them go down with a month-long injury at practice. Sorry, TY, it wasn't you, it was Chris.

## Your Financial Portfolio

* Best Investor: Cam Shaft
* Worst Investor: Chris P's Neat Team

## Week Nine Results

* Biggest Climber: Neck-Fix (Up 4 spots)

* Biggest Faller: Chris P (Down 5 spots)

## Power Rankings

### 1(1). Al Snow's Fav Squad

Back-to-back mediocre performances from the favorite fav squad, but getting Julio Jones and Patrick Mahomes back, plus they still have a ton of money left over. They can outbid anyone but Bobecue Chicken for anybody they want.

### 2(3). Cam Shaft

After a heavy barrage of bidding early, Cam Shaft has settled in and glided under the radar. They are probably the least talked about team remaining, but they've survived long enough to be back in the top-three in FAAB.

### 3(4). Ron Saquonson

One of the highest projected points remaining and has worked their way past Al Snow on the season rankings with an average of 197.33 points per game. Kareem Hunt is now off of his suspension. Biggest hurdle for this team seems to be week 12, when Hill, Gordon III, and Kelce are all on the bye. No team dead or alive has made more roster moves (36).

### 4(2). Chris P's Neat Team

They have the big names at WR but there are still some imperfections in the flex positions and injury concerns for James Conner.

### 5(4). The Guilloteam

Mr. Inconsistency is now in 2nd place on the season rankings, but blew their load on Dalvin Cook (who has yet to have his bye), which makes this team likely in its final stages of construction.

### 6(7). Neck-Fix and Chill

Neck-Fix is cruising and has taken advantage of the free market to do some bargain bin shopping for much needed substitutes. I shed a single man tear when I saw Jason Witten get dropped.

### 7(8). Dog The Kareem Hunter

Saving grace for Dog this week might be that their entire team is healthy and off the bye.

### 8(6). Bobecue Chicken

They need to start bidding on actually good players. They have the money, but for some reason they still think they need to fuck around with Ronald Jones. What do I know, though, I have been dead two weeks.

###

## Bye Weeks

SIX TEAMS? Why not just have four teams on the bye each week and just have eight even bye weeks? I don't get it.

* Denver Broncos
* Houston Texans
* Jax Jaguars
* New England Patriots
* Philly Eagles
* Washington Redskins

Sorry for the sub-par writeup this week, starting to get super busy at work so I'm not able to fuck around and do this stuff on the company dime anymore. Happy bidding!