The Smoking Peanut

## Transcript

[This episode begins at Mike’s house. Mike and Connor are playing a video game in the living room.]

**CONNOR:** Come on, Betty! You can do it!

**MIKE:** Who’s Betty?

**CONNOR:** I don’t know. This girl in the game we’re playing looks like a “Betty” to me.

**MIKE:** And I say you look like a “Jason”.

**CONNOR:** (laughs) Good one, Mike! And you look like a “Nick”.

[Mike slaps him. The doorbell rings, and Mike gets it.]

**MIKE:** I’ll get it.

[He opens the door to find nothing. Mike checks left and right, but sees nothing. Suddenly, his nephew, Hunter, jumps up to surprise him since he’s small.]

**HUNTER:** (jumps) Hi, Uncle Mike!

**MIKE:** Woah! You gave me one heck of a scare there, Hunter. Anyway, how are you doing?

**JOHNNY:** (at door) Oh, hey, little brother. Would you mind watching Hunter while me and my girlfriend go on our anniversary date?

**MIKE:** Uh, no problem, Johnny. I’ve got that under control.

**JOHNNY:** Okay, thanks, Mike. And remember, be sure he’s on his best behavior! Otherwise...

**MIKE:** Otherwise what?

**JOHNNY:** (closeup of him) You know what I’m talking about.

**MIKE:** (gulps) Okay.

**JOHNNY:** Good! You two have fun now! Bye! (shuts door)

**MIKE:** Your father is crazy. You heard what he said. Be on your best behavior!

**HUNTER:** I know. I know. (pokes Mike’s eye) Boop!

**MIKE:** Ow! You’re lucky you’re just too cute! (walks off with him) Come on, let’s go to the living room!

[Mike brings Hunter to the living room and shows him to Connor.]

**MIKE:** Hey, Connor, you remember my nephew Hunter, right?

**CONNOR:** (focused on game) Yeah.

**MIKE:** Connor, please pause the game. We have company.

**CONNOR:** Okay, just a sec!

**MIKE:** That means now!

**CONNOR:** Okay, okay! (pauses it and looks at them) What’s up?

**MIKE:** My nephew Hunter’s here.

**CONNOR:** (as they sit down) Hey, good to see ya, kid! (hugs Hunter)

**HUNTER:** Hey, Connor, how’s it going?

**CONNOR:** Going good. Hey, is it okay if I unpause, Mike?

**MIKE:** Hmmmm... Go ahead.

**CONNOR:** Yeeeeee!

[Connor plays his video game again.]

**CONNOR:** Come on, Jackson! Come on! You got this!

[The character he’s playing as gets shot.]

**DEEP VOICE ON GAME:** (offscreen) You lose!

**CONNOR:** (rages) Aw, fuck! I lost!

**MIKE:** (covers Connor's mouth) Connor, watch your mouth! You know there’s a--

**HUNTER:** What’s “fuck”?

**MIKE:** (screams) Hunter, do not say that word!

**HUNTER:** Why not?

**MIKE:** That word you just used was a bad word.

**HUNTER:** What? You mean “fuck”?

**MIKE:** YES! That one! Don’t ever use it! Not even in front of your parents!

**HUNTER:** Why?

**MIKE:** Listen, kid, parents don’t like to hear children cussing. Not even your mommy and daddy would want to hear that come out of your mouth.

**HUNTER:** Oh, okay.

**MIKE:** Do me a favor and don’t say that word anymore, okay?

**HUNTER:** Okay, Uncle Mike.

**MIKE:** Thank you. Crisis averted.

**CONNOR:** Hey, who wants to watch a movie?

**HUNTER:** (raises his hand) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I do! I do!

**MIKE:** What movie are we gonna watch, Connor?

**CONNOR:** (holds a remote) Well, I heard there’s a new movie on Netflix called “Toy Party”, and I heard it’s really funny!

**MIKE:** Okay, well, if it has toys in it, it must be a movie for everyone! Put it on!

[Connor puts on the movie.]

[Time card: 15 minutes later...]

[15 minutes into the movie and an action figure is being chewed on by a baby.]

**ACTION FIGURE:** (screams) Jesus fucking Christ! Someone, save me!

**BUILDING BLOCK:** What the fuck is going on in here? This giant’s going batshit crazy!

[Cut to the boys on the couch.]

**MIKE:** Uh, Connor--

**CONNOR:** Shhh! Quiet, Mike! This is a good part!

**MIKE:** (whispers) Connor, this doesn’t seem like a family-friendly movie. What rating is it?

**CONNOR:** It’s rated R.

**MIKE:** *R?!* That means this movie is for adults! Hunter can’t watch this!

**HUNTER:** What the fuck is going in here?

**MIKE:** Hunter! (grunts) Connor, shut this movie off!

**CONNOR:** But--

**MIKE:** *NOW!*

[Connor shuts the movie off. Mike grabs Hunter.]

**MIKE:** Alright, that’s it, mister! Come with me!

[In the bathroom, Mike washes Hunter’s mouth out with soap.]

**CONNOR:** Mike, what’re you doing with him?

**MIKE:** It’s like what Dad always says, “Whenever you cuss, you get your mouth washed out with soap”.

**CONNOR:** Sounds like child abuse.

**MIKE:** It’s not child abuse. I’m just teaching him a lesson for swearing. He’s four years old. He shouldn’t swear at all.

**HUNTER:** (coughs out soap) *What’s your fucking problem?!*

**MIKE:** (growls) That’s it, young man!

[Mike puts him on the couch.]

**MIKE:** You’re in a timeout!

**HUNTER:** Eh, fuck you! (raspberries him)

**MIKE:** (growls) Wait til I tell your father about this!

[Mike and Connor sit in the kitchen.]

**MIKE:** (sigh) What am I gonna do, Connor? If Johnny sees his son swearing like a sailor, he’ll put the blame on me.

**CONNOR:** Why?

**MIKE:** He doesn’t like his son getting into trouble and usually blames me whenever I get him into trouble.

**CONNOR:** Even though it was my fault.

**MIKE:** Heh, glad you finally realized it.

**CONNOR:** Yeah, I’m sorry, Mike.

MIKE: That’s okay, Connor. But still, he’ll kill me.

**CONNOR:** Don’t worry, Mike. We’ll figure this out together.

**MIKE:** Yeah, thanks, buddy.

**CONNOR:** Call me Connor.

**MIKE:** Whatever.

**CONNOR:** I mean, he needs to be taught a damn lesson for using such mediocre language.

**MIKE:** Yeah. (beat) Connor, are you pondering what I’m pondering?

**CONNOR:** I think so, Mike, but when’s Seinfeld getting a reboot?

**MIKE:** 15 years from now. Anyway, we’re gonna teach Hunter how not to swear.

**CONNOR:** How not to swear? Isn’t that different from how not not to swear?

**MIKE:** (sigh) I’m friends with an idiot. (clears throat) No. We’re gonna teach him how to be polite. You know, saying things without saying “fuck”. (covers his mouth) I mean the F word!

**CONNOR:** Hooray! We’re gonna be teachers! Ooh! Ooh! Can I be the assistant teacher?

**MIKE:** You mean “teaching assistant”? (sigh) I don’t see why not.

**CONNOR:** Yay! Let’s do some math!

**MIKE:** Yay. Let’s do some acupuncture.

[Hunter is shown with Mike and Connor in the living room.]

**MIKE:** Okay, Hunter, we’re going to teach you how to be polite. First of all, you have to start greeting another person.

**HUNTER:** Okay.

**MIKE:** Let me demonstrate. (to Connor) Hello, Connor.

**CONNOR:** Uhhhh... I forgot my lines!

**MIKE:** Just greet me, you idiot!

**CONNOR:** Just greet me, you idiot!

**MIKE:** No, stop copying me! That’s not what you’re supposed to say!

**CONNOR:** No, stop copying me! That’s not what you’re supposed to say!

**MIKE:** (grunts) *SHUT THE FUCK UP!* (covers his mouth)

**CONNOR:** (grunts) *SHUT THE FUCK UP!* (covers his mouth)

**MIKE:** Ugh, ignore that, Hunter.

**HUNTER:** Why the fuck are you yelling?

**MIKE:** (clenches teeth; on the verge of losing it) Please say “Hi, Mike, how are you doing today?”

**HUNTER:** Hi, Mike, how are you doing today?

**MIKE:** Good. Now shake my hand.

[Hunter shakes Mike’s hand.]

**MIKE:** Good job.

**HUNTER:** What the fuck was the point of that anyway?

**MIKE:** (grunts; facepalm) We’re gonna get you to stop swearing one way or another! Apparently, schooling didn't work.

**CONNOR:** Well, we tried.

**MIKE:** What else am I gonna do? I'm at my wits end!

**CONNOR:** If it makes you feel better, we could try mind-controlling him.

**MIKE:** Mind-control? How’s that gonna help?

**CONNOR:** I dunno. Just came to my mind.

**MIKE:** (sigh) Well, we could try something similar to that, like hypnosis.

**CONNOR:** Hypnosis? What’s that?

**MIKE:** I did say “something similar”. Let’s just try this out, and if it doesn’t work, then we’re screwed.

[At the hypnotist’s office, Mike, Connor, and Hunter are sitting in the waiting room.]

**HUNTER:** What the fuck are we doing here? You promised to take me out for some ice cream.

**MIKE:** Well, I lied. We’re here to see a hypnotist that can get your mind off swearing.

**CONNOR:** Yeah, my cousin tried this out and she adores the magic of hypocrisy!

**MIKE:** Hypnotism.

**CONNOR:** (okay signal) Aight.

[Hunter still looks pissed.]

**MIKE:** (sigh) I’ll tell you what. If this works, I’ll take you guys out to get ice cream.

**CONNOR & HUNTER:** Really?

**MIKE:** Really really!

**CONNOR & HUNTER:** Yay! Thanks, Mike!

[The hypnotist exits his office.]

**HYPNOTIST:** Hunter Mormon?

**HUNTER:** (jumps out of his chair) That’s me.

[Hunter runs inside, and Mike and Connor follow. In the office, Hunter sits in front of the hypnotist.]

**HYPNOTIST:** So, little Hunter, what is your problem?

**MIKE:** Well, you see, doc, my idiot friend Connor accidentally got my nephew Hunter to start swearing. We tried everything we could to get him to stop before his dad could come to pick him up, but we failed and had to come to you for help.

**HYPNOTIST:** I see. Well, I can take care of that problem with the power of... hypnotism!

**MIKE:** Oh, thank you, sir.

**CONNOR:** What kind of magic word are you gonna say to him? Ooh, I hope it’s “meatball”. It better be “meatball”.

**HYPNOTIST:** Please, kid, let the master of hypnotism do his work in peace.

**CONNOR:** Sorry.

[The hypnotist takes out his pocket watch and swings it from left to right.]

**HYPNOTIST:** Okay, Hunter, I want you to stare directly at this watch. (Hunter proceeds) And when I say the word... “Johnny”, you will stop swearing. If I say “Johnny” again, you will continue to swear.

**MIKE:** (whispers) Oh, he’s good.

**CONNOR:** (whispers) Yeah, and I adore it as much as my cousin does.

**HYPNOTIST:** (puts away pocket watch) Now, when I snap my fingers, you will snap out of it. (snaps fingers)

**HUNTER:** (snaps out of it) Oh, what the fuck happened?

**HYPNOTIST:** Johnny!

**HUNTER:** Hey, I feel different.

**MIKE:** It worked! Now Joh--your father won’t kill me now! Heh-heh!

**CONNOR:** Thanks for everything, hypno-guy!

[They leave.]

**HYPNOTIST:** So long, fellow patients. And remember, don’t believe in anything!

[Back at Mike’s house later that evening, Johnny continually rings the doorbell.]

**JOHNNY:** Dammit, why isn’t he answering?

[Mark opens it.]

**MARK:** Hello. Oh, hey, John-boy! How are you, son?

**JOHNNY:** Hey, Dad. Where’s Mike?

**MARK:** Well, he did mention something about taking Hunter out for ice cream.

[Mike’s car pulls in.]

**MARK:** Speak of the devil, and he shall appear.

[Mike and Connor, licking an ice cream cone, step out of the car, with Hunter licking an ice cream cone too.]

**MIKE:** Hey, guys. We’re back!

**CONNOR:** (with tongue out) And we got ice cream!

**HUNTER:** Hi, mommy! Hi, daddy!

**MIKE:** Hey, J--(clears throat) Brother.

**JOHNNY:** Hey... Mike. Why’d you call me “brother”?

**MIKE:** Because you *ARE* my brother.

**CONNOR:** Yeah, and he loves you very much!

**JOHNNY:** Well, that’s always nice to hear. Thank you.

**HUNTER:** And I love you too, daddy.

**DARCY:** And I thought Hunter loves us equally.

**MARK:** Hey, why don’t y’all come inside for some pizza?

**CONNOR:** Oh, boy! Pizza!

[They walk inside.]

**MIKE:** But we literally just ate ice cream!

**CONNOR:** Hey, Mike. Maybe later, do you wanna play the gun game with me and Johnny?

**MIKE:** (through clenched teeth) Connor!

[Hunter snaps back to cussing.]

**HUNTER:** What the fuck just happened?

[Johnny and his girlfriend stop and turn around.]

**JOHNNY:** Hunter Abraham Mormon, where did you learn that word?

**CONNOR:** Uh-oh.

**JOHNNY:** (looks at Mike suspiciously) Mike...

**MIKE:** (nervously) Uhhhh...

**JOHNNY:** Did you do this?

**MIKE:** Uhhhhh... *Okay, fine!* Connor accidentally said the F word in front of Hunter, and I might’ve dropped one use of it in another room where he can hear it as well. We’re sorry, Johnny! Please don’t kill me!

[Hunter snaps back to his normal self.]

**JOHNNY:** Well, thank you for telling the truth, Mike. I’m not going to kill you.

**MIKE:** Phew!

**JOHNNY:** But I do have something else for the three of you.

[Mike gulps. Cut to Mike, Connor, and Hunter getting their mouths washed out with soap. Mike starts crying.]

**MIKE:** (cries; mouth full of soap) Fuck!

[The end!]