F.A.R.T. declassified reports

This is a list of some reports given to us by the F.A.R.T. for information, in no particular order.

These reports are mostly unchanged, aside from the removal of the dates, some names and locations for privacy reasons, and the removal of Max Salmon's signature at the end of every report by him for better space usage.

More reports may be added if more are released to us.

## Report #58

Subject 246-395 (Shovey) successfully contained. Subject is a Type-2 Poltergeist reported in the house of a Mr. and Mrs. Hopkins. Subject was reported to have been moving objects in the house at random and making faint wailing noises at night. Subject seemed relatively benign at the time of capture, but could have become hostile if left unattended.

## Report #265

Report received from a young boy, a Mr. Chimichanga. Chimichanga claimed that his computer was possessed and had killed his best friend. Nothing anomalous was found on investigation, though there is possibility that it may be a Type-9 or Type-10 Poltergeist. We have urged him to contact us if any further activity is seen.

## Report #78

Type-6 Stalker was found at the household of a Mr. Rupertson. Homeowner left premise on our suggestion. Containment has yet to be accomplished, this one's tricky. Subject, designated 253-274 (Smileman), appears to be a tall, extremely thin, pitch-black humanoid figure, with the only visible features being glowing yellow eyes and a large smile. Subject can seemingly vanish at will and reappear anywhere within 10 feet of its previous location. Subject is hostile, having already killed Mr. Rupertson's pet budgie. Further investigation pending.

## Report #97

Subject 293-814 (Witch-Doctor) contained. Subject is a Type-3 Spirit reported in the house of a Ms. Hansen. Subject was reported to be an ancestor of Ms. Hansen. Subject appeared as a regular human dressed in what seemed to be tribal witch-doctor attire. According to Ms. Hansen, subject is capable of using curses and hexes, and had already placed a hex on Ms. Hansen's household. Hex removal is currently being attempted.

## Report #47

A Type-10 Anomaly has been reported in various areas of New Mexico. Subject designated 167-812 (Bleach Salesman). Judging by the reports and our study, subject seems capable of a large variety of abilities, though most seem to be based around Clorox-brand bleach bottles it carries with it at all times. One alarming ability is that it is able to convince people to purchase its bleach. Subject appears as an average human male, likely somewhere within its early 30's, apart from a large smile constantly across its face and a strange bodysuit it seems to be wearing. Subject will go around to people and attempt to sell them bottles of Clorox bleach. Subject will become aggressive if targets decline its offer or use the bleach for any purpose other than ingestion. Subject seems to favor teenagers who talk about suicide. Subject has yet to verbally communicate, though it seems to carry a cassette player with it, using tapes containing a text-to-speech voice saying things to communicate instead. Most reports show its most common phrases to be "Did someone say "kill myself"?", and "I can help you with that". Subject appears to have a disliking for doors and windows, often attempting to destroy them. Subject seems incredibly dangerous, and investigation is ongoing to see how, or if, we can contain it.

## Report #100

(Note: the following report is an audio recording, listed here is a transcript of that recording)

Max: Alright, so we're out of paper after Johnny accidentally printed 50 copies of Jason's resume. So, we're gonna have to do this one as an audio log. Hopefully nobody overwrites this one with their music like last time.

Johnny (in the background): I already told you I was sorry!

(Max sighs)

Max: Anyway, so this is log number one hundred, the big one-double-oh. Kind of a shame it had to be recorded like this, though. So, just yesterday we got a call from somebody over at Hightower that there was some guy in a clown suit that came and slapped the [EXPLETIVE] out of everybody planning the Halloween party there. So, we went and investigated, and sure enough, once nightfall hit, there it was. Someone dressed in what looked like a red fire-retardant suit, some weird mask that kinda looked like a gas mask but without the actual filters or anything, as well as weird eye-stalks coming out of the eye-holes. Plus it looked like it had a mouth with a big tongue coming out of it, don't know how that would work as a gas mask. But anyway, it also had some weird clown hair and a clown nose on its mask, some weird dragon-feet-shoe-things, and what we think was a jet-pack. Anyway, it rocketed in there with its jet-pack, slapped everyone, then slapped us when we tried to intervene, and just rocketed the [EXPLETIVE] away again. We've designated this thing as subject 296-285, or "Slappy", 'cause of how much it likes slapping stuff. It hasn't severely injured anyone yet, though I'm sure it could if it wanted to, but we're still classing it as a Type-5 Anomaly for now, just to be safe. Further research is pending and all that. Now, I got to get some sleep, it's 1 in the morning and I'm up recording this stupid audio log because SOMEBODY happened to waste all of our paper! Max Salmon, signing out, or what-[EXPLETIVE]-ing-ever.

Okay, quick update. Just spoke to Dell about it, he told me that the subject kinda looked a little like a member of the old RED team back in the gravel wars. Some pyromaniac. But, Dell said that there's no way he'd be able to have survived with that suit on, since it was apparently laced with asbestos. So we might be dealing with a Corporeal Spirit or possibly an Undead here. Anyway, Max out for real this time.

## Report #116

We received a call from a Mr. Regan about there being a gaping maw in his living room floor. Supposedly, the may just showed up there in the morning and took his rug along with it. On investigation, the maw appears to be perfectly circular, lined with many, many razor-sharp teeth, and leads quite a far ways down. It also seems to occasionally emit gurgling noises from within it. After looking under the house, there was no sign of it being there, so it seems this maw's inner area is not of this plane. Our current theories are that its body is in another dimension and its mouth is the portal to that dimension, or the mouth contains a pocket dimension within it and the body is simply small enough to fit within the floor of the house. Subject has been designated 2962-917 (Massive Maw). Subject appears relatively benign, as long as you don't step into it, and we have decided to leave it until we can figure out a way to extract it. We have told Mr. Regan to be extremely cautious and to call us if anything changes.

-Harold Duff

## Report #92

We've recently discovered an old personal log from Jeremiah of the original team. While we do still have the original paper, we're still cataloging it here just in case. After the incident with that jar of red paint, we can't be too careful.

"Personal log 21

The research on my most recent find has been going rather swimmingly. I still have yet to tell the others, as I'm not sure it would be an incredibly wise idea to involve them as well before I either figure out how it works, or succumb to its effects. Hopefully the latter won't be an issue. I am strong-willed after all, I should be able to withstand the effects should the device become active. On another note, I saw John outside yesterday juggling what I later found out were live grenades. I thought they may have just been balls or rock until (I think there's supposed to be a name here, but whatever it is, it's smudged beyond recognition) told me that they were grenades. Amazingly, however, John never let a single one damage anything. He always seemed to know exactly when they were going to explode, and then threw them harmlessly in the air at just the right time. Honestly, I'm beginning to question his sanity, but as long as he's not doing any actual damage, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to let him continue. I shouldn't necessarily be surprised though, as a team for researching the anomalous and paranormal, it should have been obvious that I was going to attract at least one insane person. But he does his job quite well, so I can't really complain."

Pretty interesting. We're keeping a lookout for more notes.

## Report #102

While the rest of us were out shopping, mostly for more paper, we left Johnny to take care of the place while we were gone. Surprisingly, nothing was broken when we got back. Also surprisingly, we found Johnny hiding in a corner of his room. When we asked him what was wrong, he told us that while we were gone, something showed up in the base. He saw it out of the corner of his eye while he taking pictures of our supplies to keep track of them after we started suspecting things of going missing, and managed to get close enough to get a good look at it before it apparently made him black out for a minute and disappeared in that time. Luckily, since he had his camera on him, he managed to get a picture of the thing.

The strangest part about this is that the suit looks very similar to the one worn by the 4th member of the first team, don't know if there's any correlation there. Also of note is that Johnny recalls seeing its actual face at the time, but can't actually remember what the face looked like. For now we're designating it as an undetermined-Type as subject 294-104 (Mystery Man). We'll try to conduct further research if the subject shows up again.

## Report #74

Subject 216-309 (The Ringmaster) contained. Subject is a Type-6 Undead found at the Merryday Circus on our trip to West Virginia. Subject is a very rotund, stereotypical ringmaster in appearance, completely with top hat, twirly mustache, and small cane. Subject seems to possess the ability to make inanimate objects become animate and perform, most of the performances ending with the objects viciously attacking any onlookers. Subject is capable of speech, but only speaks about "his show" and the acts performed by anything he happens to animate.

## Report #269

We received some reports of something described as a portal appearing in an area of South Carolina. After some investigation, we found a large hole torn in the side of a house, with an unknown gooey substance being found at the scene. The resident of the house was nowhere to be found, and had not been heard from since the reported occurrence of this portal. The substance found at the scene was revealed to have a composition very similar to that of the liquid rubber sealant, Flex Seal, however some as-of-yet unidentified components were also found within the substance. Further investigation pending.

## Report #117

We received reports about a local pizzeria joint known as "Frongo Fazbort's" from an employee at the pizza joint. The employee reports about how the animatronic characters there seem to behave strangely, despite finding no inherent flaws in their design that would cause such things to occur. On investigation, the animatronics appeared to be normal until we stayed late to investigate further. At around 12 AM, the animatronics suddenly transformed into disfigured versions of themselves, mostly facial features being moved and changed in size around the face. They then proceeded to begin moving about on their own, gradually closing in on the office we were in at the time. Any attempts to leave the pizza place resulted in us being chased back to the office by the animatronics. As long as we stayed in the office, their behaviors were more docile and in more of a pattern. We continued to observe them on the security cameras within the pizza place. Every time the animatronics would get near the doors, we would simply close them and they would just vanish soon after. This continued until 6 AM, where they all went back to their positions prior to 12 AM, and their faces turned back to normal. These animatronics have been classed as Type-7 Possessed Objects, and have been designated subjects 262-471 (Frongo Fazbort), 262-472 (Bongo Boy the Rabbit), 262-473 (Chicago the Turkey), and 262-474 (Roxy the Stevie Wonder Fox). Containment is not possible without risking lawsuits from the Fazbort Entertainment company.