Hansel: Alone

Hansel rolled over and collided with Taavit, because the bunks were tiny and he took up too much room, but he made up for it by pressing himself tight against Taavit like maybe they could just occupy the exact same space if he tried hard enough.

Horns mumbled something in his sleep and wrapped his arms around Hansel like he wanted the same thing. He never complained about Hansel stealing his blanket, or his entire bed, in the middle of the night for no reason -- just shifted to let Hansel curl against him and press his hot face into Taavit's chest.

Used to be, he was always drunk off the Captain's stash of rum when he did this, because otherwise he'd get embarrassed about it and just lie in his own bed, thinking desperately about Taavit sleeping ten feet away from him. He'd gotten to where he'd crawl into Taavit's bunk sober, too, though, and nothing bad had happened because it.

###

There was another tiefling, after Taavit died -- one with curled-back horns, one who looked nothing like him. She held his chin in the inn and quietly informed him that she was taking him upstairs, and he didn't argue with her, because he thought she was fucking beautiful, and he missed being touched at all, and he didn’t care if she was gentle with him or not.

###

Mishka said *Neyë. Stay with me.* Called him Hans. Pulled him in and whispered things to him that he didn't think he was worth, clung to him, needed him. He belonged there, by Mishka's side, tangled up with him, in a way he'd never belonged anywhere.

Mishka called him *my soul* and *beloved* and *husband*, and the way he looked at him and touched him and spoke to him made Hansel wish he never had to do anything but be with Mishka.

Mishka said horrible fucking things to him, and left him.

###

Corven tapped on his door and he growled for her to fuck off. She came in anyway, pulled him upright in his bed, and just stared at him. Neither of them had wanted to be the captain, but she'd given in, and it was fucking killing her. They were all sinking, and keeping it from happening was her responsibility now, and Hansel knew he was a goddamn coward for forcing this on her, for not doing it himself.

He swallowed. He was frustrated and fucking lonely. She was angry and stressed. It made sense. He wanted to help her and he didn't know how else to do it.

###

His name was Ivan. He didn't look anything like Mishka, but he had the same accent, and he was half-elven, and he'd been trying to hit on Hansel all night. Hansel had only meant to throw him out of the bar, but ended up in the alley alongside it, instead, pinning him to the wall by his throat.

Ivan liked it at first, and then stopped liking it, and Hansel didn't stop choking him and hissed in his ear that if he ever fucking came back, if he ever spoke to Hansel again, or tried to touch him, or Hansel so much as saw him in the street, he would crush his windpipe so slowly that Ivan wouldn't even be sure he was dying, but would fucking pray that he was.

Then Hansel let him go, and he ran away gasping, and Hansel stumbled into the wall and collapsed and fucking bawled until his kid came looking for him. Jonn went through the motions of comforting him, and Hansel knew it was all mechanical and the kid had no idea what he was doing, but he was the only one there. Hansel couldn't stop sobbing against his chest.

###

Mishka said *I think about kissing you all the time, but I am certain you will just punch me.*

Hansel was dying to touch him. Hansel was fucking dying in general, he was drowning, and he needed Mishka, and Mishka was the one who was drowning him.

Hansel kissed him anyway and breathed for the first time in over a year.

He still shuddered in his sleep and Jonn drowsily tumbled out of bed to curl up next to him in the tiny bunk in the guild barracks, where Hansel took up too much room. He felt like he was a child. He didn't know what to do; he just fucking wanted his husband back.

###

Mishka said *Hans, I don't know what the fuck to do,* and the same hands that had twitched with a horrible desire to finally punish Mishka for hurting him wrapped around Mishka instead, and held him close. And Hansel tried to reassure him, and thought about how selfish he was, to be relieved that Mishka had only hurt him because he was suffering, too.

He hated himself for forgiving so easily. Hated himself for wanting Mishka to touch him, for wanting to touch Mishka. He hated himself for a lot of fucking reasons. For a couple of days, though, he forgot that he did.

###

Goro cried against his shoulder and Hansel was fucking alarmed, because he hadn't even known that was a possibility.

Then, after he'd dried his eyes, he'd grinned and raised an eyebrow at him, and Hansel had been slightly less alarmed, because he hadn't known that was a possibility, either.

###

Hansel told him *We're gonna get you back.* He said *It's okay* and held Goro behind his shield. Called him *motek* without thinking about it, wondered if he'd been … joking? Why had he said that? He half fucking panicked the entire way out of the cave, every time he caught himself thinking of Goro so fondly, realizing how badly he wanted to protect him and take care of him and touch him.

Just a crewmate, he told himself. He'd do it for any of them. This didn't mean anything. He loved all of them, and a good commander didn't show preferential treatment. He told himself this for a solid month, and then he saw Goro sitting in the gazebo, and thought, *ah, fuck.*

###

Mishka pressed against his back, and he held Goro against his chest, and thought *Really? I could've had something like this the entire fucking time? What the fuck was I so afraid of? Why did I ever think it was better to be alone?*

He guessed there were a few reasons; reasons like *Taavit died* and *Mishka left me* and *I killed Corven* and *I hurt everyone who doesn't hurt me first and all I'm worth is being alone.* But honestly -- fuck those reasons.

This was fucking good.