Doctor ßeans

Dr. ßeans in when the mario is sus (March 6, 2021).

"*aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*" —*ßeanch*, Dr. ßeans's famous speech[src]
**Doctor Pik ßeans**, PhD, is a renowned and ancient American bean chemist and a classic Paid Actor.

## Biography

### Origins

"*Z-Y-X-W-V-U-T-S-R-Q-P-O-N-M-L-K-J-I-H-G-F-E-D-C-B-A*" —Dr. ßeans[src]
In an awesomely implausible series of events, Pik ßeans was born on November 32, 1300 BCE atop a bean factory in Pennsyvania, France. He then fell into the factory, becoming the master of all beankind. In the years that followed, ßeans gained a PhD in Beanology and became fluent in all of Earth's 6507 languages as well as backwards English. He is, of course, immortal.

On October 69, 420 BCE, ßeans shoke the Earth with a beautiful speech called ßeanch.

### Tax fraud

Doctor ßeans eventually put his plans of world domination on pause to focus on committing tax fraud. Hiding from the government in an SUV in western California, Australia, ßeans became a dedicated *Super Mario Maker 2* player and joined the Raysfire Cinematic Universe. He has also "fail[ed] fantastically to get a sub 50 in the 99 Lives speedrun" since at least February 2021.

### 2021

#### March

"*I even got the Dr. Beans, like, coverage and everything, man.*" —Raysfire laments his Asterisk Dub[src]
Now an S Rank Gamer, Dr. ßeans played as Toadette in a match against ZeroSpoon, Raysfire, and Emmyette set in Acorn Plains. Starting out in the lead, ßeans ran across Artificial Lava while Spoon acquired 87 1-Up Mushrooms for the Clear-Con. ßeans helped Emmyette give Raysfire a headboost after briefly abandoning the streamer, but eventually tired of Rays' and Spoon's shenanigans and decided to chase down the Clear-Con personally. Rays barely managed to stall the doctor in time for Spoon to reclaim their Clear-Con, but was tricked into an Asterisk Dub at the last minute in an astonishing bait.

#### May

"*they're like in a Discord call, and they're all like, okay, okay, count it down, 3, 2, 1, go.*" —Raysfire
Dr. ßeans returned two months later, again playing as Toadette. This time, the doctor joined forces with fellow gremlins ColorSrce1 and Frog CEO to troll Raysfire. In a Discord call together, ßeans took the Yellow Pipe in the new Fourlaner level and struggled on the timing even more than Raysfire. This, however, was part of the plan; ßeans joined Frog CEO in voting to let's start over. ColorSource and Rays agreed.

The gremlins revealed their true plan next, all Pipejacking Rays in the Yellow Pipe lane for the sake of comedy. The streamer eventually won the level and the CEO convinced ßeans not to finish.

### The future

ßeans wrote a Wikipedia article about himself on Febuary 0, 2038.

## Fun facts

Because Doctor ßeans is such an awesome doctor, he uses the metric system.

## Relationships

* Doctors
* Paid Actors
* Emmyette
* Comedy Gremlins
	+ Colorsource1
	+ Frog CEO
* Raysfire - Employer and Former Ally

## Speculation

### Name

#### Pronunciation

ßeans's name is usually pronounced "beans". However, as the letter ß traditionally makes an "s" sound, alternative pronunciations may or not include "seens" or even "Seans" (pronounced like the Irish name Sean).

#### Meaning

Dr. ßeans's civilian name is "Pik". Perhaps his implied full name, "Pik ßeans", is a pun off the phrase "pick beans"?

## Notes and references

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 1.6 when the mario is sus
2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 2.5 2.6 2.7 wikipedia:User:Doctor ßeans PHD/sandbox (backup link)
3. ↑ *shoke* (v.) a marvelous thing that can only happen to you if you listen to ßeanch.
4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 P-SWITCH ASMR
5. ↑ Not a typo. Time travels differently for Dr. ßeans.