Alko170.txt

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   TO KEEP LAYERS HAPPY !

      UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHALL ANYONE EXEPT YOURSELF BE LIABLE FOR
      ANY INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES THAT IS, LOSS OF MONEY,
      TIME, INTELLIGENCE, OR BRAIN-CELLS DUE THE ACTS, USE OR MIS-USE
      AND OR INSTRUCTIONS DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY CAUSED BY THIS TEXT
      FILE OR INFORMATION.

                          ALKO buying guide
                      for people under 20 years..
                        In Stereo Where Aviable
                             Version 1.70
                           Written by Matte
                     All rights reserved by Matte
                        Copyright 1991, Matte
                            Hi from Matte
                              COPY ME
                         Dedicated to all the
                         hackers out there on
                          the phone lines !

      WARNING: Parts of this file has been written in not such a sober
   condition .  Normally I (try to) write my text files in a quite a
   strict manner but this is quite the opposite ! Here is quite a lot of
   'crap' what doesn't really belong to the subject but in some cases
   will cause a kind-of-a comic situation.. Anyway... HAVE FUN !!

      This text file is not recomended for children under 6 years (drinking
   ?!?!?!?) and over 25 (still consider yourself a child? / need this info,
   if you do.. I just can say you must be the biggest looser in universe..
   (No offence/personal..))

   International note:

      For thoose of you who are not living in Finland there might be some
   incorrect things here (I'm sure there are anyway but..) That is that the
   age you have to be to buy booze might be totally screwed up { What's the
   difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb ? You can Un-Screw
   a Light Bulb} For example [..listening to the wind of change..] in
   Finland you have to be 20 years old to buy Alcohol drinks what contain
   more than was it some 18% While in France it's 16 years for string drinks
   and 12 for Wine and so on.. But what a hack.. I mean Heck !

   Let's start !

      This text file is describing a how to get booze from shops, ALKO
   and so on while you are not as old as you should in fact be in order
   to be allowed to buy it. Of course this can be used for all kind of
   other things too, but mainly this is a text file describing how to
   "look" older.. I'm myself 16 right now and I get without any problem
   booze what you need to be 20 to buy ,  In fact I was 15 when I started
   so.. I'm a little over 180cm long right now and my weight is not much
   over 65kg.. (Long & thin guy & etc..) [honey won't you come back and play
   if you dare]

      Due the fact that this is a computer file it's no doubt that there
   will be more boys what will read this than girls .  Therefor here is
   no information/hints about how girls should behave but I think that
   it's quite the same as boys (at least the general idea..)

      A little note.. Be sure to have ID that you really are 16 or 17 years
   (Or how old you  REALLY are).. I once got in problem when .. I was out
   and buying Booze, when I had to proove I really was 16 in a bus (To buy
   children ticket..) <grin..>

      Right.. You don't belive that you would be able to get booze from
   Alko .  (I'm sure some of you might not be able but 99% I guess should
   be able to get 'it' (I mean if you are having a hair going down to
   your shoulders, a ministereo on full volume, pilot jacket, full of
   Metallica, Iron Maiden, Guns n'Roses, etc stuff on it, ripped up jeans,
   scarf around your head, sun-glasses, boots, you better think it over once
   more.. (Should I soon stop this parentacasing !?!?))))))))))))) But I have
   bought allready at least maybee 20-30 times and I'm sure it's not just
   luck ! And what happends yesterday ?!?! I went to Alko bought 2 Dry Vodka
   (40%) then I go to a food shop and should buy some beer (in fact 8 o'em)
   and what happens? They are starting to ask for papers !?!?!?!?!

   Theory

   There are 3 reasons the clerks can sell they are:
        1) You look old enough
        2) You look very sexxy
        3) You know someond working in the shop
   I will only (in this text file) discuss the 1st theory to get, but briefly
   taking over the other ones (I'm by no means any expert in them but anyway)

        Sexxy theory:

            Use your head.. I mean your <sensured> !

        You-know-someone-in-shop-theory:

            Go up to a seller and start talking to her/him. This can just be
            some questions like "How are you today ?" "Where can I find
            this whiskey ?" etc etc etc Anyway main point is that you look
            like YOU know her/him and the seller sees that and belive that
            .. You know the seller .  In fact this just happened once I
            was asking where I could find some whiskey and well when I went
            to pay they seller asked me if I knew her.. Then I tried it
            another time and It worked again !

   Anyway this txt file should discuss how to look 'older' and we should not
   start finding out how to get friends in Alko or should we ?!?? Looks like
   I'm all the time getting of the real track.. This Txt file seems to be
   a big collection of bull-shit by a drunk teenage-mutant-ninja-hacker !

      If you are really desperate you can allways try to steal booze but that
   I have NO experience of and I don't want to have either.. That's somebody
   elses task to write a text file about..

      Of course if you don't have any contact and you don't get no matter
   how hard you try you can allways ask your parent(s).. <grin..>

   When to buy

     Avoid Friday afternoons, It's a real major problem buying 10 minutes
   before the shops close up . [..your' rushin' headlong out of coontrol..]
   If possible choose some early morning just after the shop has opened .
   Some school-break ?

   What to wear ?!?

     Try to wear some shirt what has buttons all way down in front.. You know
   I just don't know the English word :-) Then a Tie will not hurt either.
   (But I don't usually use it ). Avoid Jeans rather take some 'finer'
   trousers and a leather belt . In Finland there are some quite popular
   magazines called 'Iltalehti' and 'Iltasanomat', Take one of theese in
   your hand and it will make an even stronger impression. Don't not wear
   Sun-Glasses.. They allways ask you to take them off and your busted..

     And get a suit-case, that will also give a good effect !

     And if you like (= shave yourself in the mornings) remember to put some
   after shave on (This is also quite obvious but .. ARHGRHAGRHGRHGHRG).

     How much you should 'dress up' is completely comparable to how much you
   have experience and how old (or how old you 'REALLY' look like) if you
   look really old you don't have to dress up at all just walk in as you are
   but if you look like somekindofa hip-hop guy I think you better change
   clothes..

   FUCK!.. Clock is 4:30am and I'll gotta get my but to school tomorrow !
   Good night! Yawn Sigh..

   ™hh.. I'll take.. Ehh..

     If you are nervous (Like I was the first times.. Don't worry..) they
   won't kill you, The worst thing what can happend is you meet your dad or
   mom inside ;-) (I was once VERY close doing this..).  Put on your best
   fake smile, take a deep breath count to 10 and go in.. [thunderý]

     Finland has 2 official languages they are Sweedish and Finish, Anyway
   Nobody (exept me.. ..) understands or should I say talk [ARF.. Batteries
   stopped in the Mini-Stereo.. hang on.. argh.. back..] it.. So My tactic
   is that I say my order as fast as I can (nobody will understand it not even
   myself) In Sweedish (the Clerk will not look like a huge questionsmark..)
   and he will most certanly say "HŽH?!?" Well.. Then you are a gentleman and
   tell you order in Finish and he will 'forget' to ask after any papers..
   This can sure by used in some countries where they only speak one language
   just say something what there is no chanse that he will understand (Will
   he understand .. [Is it love, is it lust, whatever it is I can't get
   enough ]Well.. You have to find out some nice excuse.. like.. who knows..
   like "Ehh.. This is completely wrong bottle ! I was asking  for a Vodka
   and what do you bring me ?!?! some stupid beer ?!?" Before it's your turn
   take as big a breath as you can and hold it inside, Try it right now..
   Yeah like that.. And now try to speak while you are holding your breath..
   YEAH you did it !!.. Now.. You'r on your way.. Take a mirror and practise
   a few times.. Or of course you can go and practice to the nearest ALKO
   shop but... An nice thing is also to stand lightly on your toes so you
   will look longer and taller. However don't overdo it. [..I was caught in
   the middle of a railroad train..]

      What you also can do is look REALLY PISSED OFF, and in a BIG
   hurry this must though be really good done so the seller will think that
   'Better not talk to that guy, if I do he will start screaming  & shouting
   and embaress me, better keep quiet'. Hold your breath in about 1,3min so
   you will get really red in face . (= cool effect) what you can do to look
   really pissed off..
      - look at clock 2 times a second
      - swing your car keys
      - go through your papers and check you have everything (lots'o'papers
        with lot's'a numbers on them.. print out some big Lotus 1-2-3 sheet
        and underline some numbers and you got your papers.. Priority 1 is
        that they look important!)
      - Look at clock again
      - Check your hair
      - keep eyes going around the room, restless

   This requires quite good acting but.. What don't you do for a bottle/
   money ?

      Another cheap trick is that you have a plastic bag with ALKO's logo
   on like you have been there before and bought booze. [.. Exit light, enter
   night..]

      Try to trap the clerks eyes as hard as you can, That is do not stare
   at him, nor should you let him look in any other direction. This may feel
   a little hard the first few times but with a little practise it will go
   just fine. But whatever you do do not look on floor/sky/roof when saying
   your order(s) !

      When it's time to pay you also have to use a little force, that is
   do not let him ask for anything just put the money in his hand.. Hard to
   explain but, You have to do it so he won't notice that you are
   acctually doing it.. But as with everything else.. Try.. Try and Try..
   Practice makes perfect but nobody is perfect so .. Why practice :O

      And pay in as big bills as possible, that is do not come in with
   a big plastic bag full of small coins.. <grin> If you act like you are
   angry and all the time looking at the clock have the money allready in
   your hand, if you are in 'no hurry' [here I am, will ya send me an
   angel] just have them in your wallet .

   WARNING: If you have money in wallet and are planning to take out the
   wallet so the seller can see it remove all ID papers (real), bus/train
   tickets and that stuff what can reval that you are not old enough!

      It also has a nice effect if you come in swinging with some car-keys
   don't overdo this one either I mean if bottles are starting to fall on
   floor you better take it a little cooler with your car keys.. ;-) But at
   least in Finland this trick is quite common so there is a chanse that it
   will only have a negative effect . But...

      Some other things you can have are:
         - laptop in one hand in other hand you have a lot of
           papers with a lot of numbers etc.. You know
         - Some paper on you what says something like :
                   +-----------------------------+
                   I <FirstName> <LastName>      I
                   +-----------------------------+
           Like you are working in some shop.. You know

      There are lot'a other techniques you can use just for example sit
   in a caf‚ and look at the crowd and look how an 'adult' looks like how
   he walks how he looks how he whatever.. You'll soon notice what makes
   an adult an adult.. But Hey This text file was about how adults looks
   like and what do I write ? You should go and take a look at the street
   big dissepointment ehh!.. Well.. I guess I can't explain it anyway in
   a text file.. I guess I can't even explain in words..

      And then a finaly little trick.. Do not start to smile after he is
   going after your booze, If he sees that your dead meat.. I mean He won't
   99% sure sell it to you.. ;( Do not move your face more than needed, keep
   it in a 'I don't even know your there' way when not ordering..

      And another this, when saying your order do not say it like
         "Could I maybee buy a One Corona brandy ?"  <= notice question
                                                        mark
      Rather like this:
         "One Corona Brandy !"                       <= Notice '!' mark..
   In other ways, be sure on what you want and do not "Ask" him if you could
   buy.. (= Ask him if you have age to buy it..)

      And.. A final note is that it's often best to go and 'shopping' alone
   (not with a gang of abt. 15-17 years old hip-hop guys breathing down your
   neck while buying) This should be quite obvious but.. Who knows.. [..get
   your money for nothing and your chicks for freee..]

   What kind of clerk ?!?

     I have a bad experience with fe-male clerks.. They are so.. .. Well
   I don't have to explain.. They ALLWAYS ask for papers.. And nor should
   you try young girls/boys.  Of course if you are a real looker (Mr/Mrs.
   Universe) and walk in in some sexxy clothes.. Who knows but I suspect
   you .. Do not do that.. ;) <grin>. Take a male seller/clerk, and not
   too young.. Thoose young sellers are afraid of getting kicked out for
   selling to under-age.. And.. Well.. You know.. So if possible try to
   select a male what is maybee 35 up years old.. Really We though it
   would be easiest to get from 20-23 years old girls but.. Nope.. This is
   of couse just what our experisence shows and it can be totally the other
   way depending on where you buy..  Also this might be because I'm a boy
   and male sellers/clerks "trust" boys (Whoops.. Men).  While women might
   not "trust" men as much.. AARGHARGA!!. Anyway.. try & see! [ when red
   hot man mets a white hot lady.. Hoop diddy diddy - Hoop diddy doo !]

     Though when I discussed this with another person she said that young
   clerks are the best ones.. But I think that the easiest way is that you
   find out how it is for you. each time you buy you write if you got or you
   didn't what kind of clerk, what time it was and then find out the best
   combination.

   Do you have papers !?!?!

     If it happends that they ask for papers.. Just say that "What a..!?!?,
   I have bought here 100 times before, and you havn't asked any papers
   why now ?!??!".. [.. the chiiildreeen ooof  tomooroow ooon aaah gloory
   niight”.] I have only once got after they have asked for papers but..

     False papers ?!?! Where to get them from ?!?!.. Just make a visit to
   your local terrorist shop and tell them to make a false pass-port..
   <griný> Well.. Maybee not..

     If you are real fast you can notice when she/he will ask for thoose
   **************************** things just drop some money on the floor and
   go down and and pick 'em up , after having said to the seller to wait a
   moment (You have to act some kindo gentleman.. sigh!). This will sometimes
   work and the seller will kindof forget that she/he asked for something and
   when you come up from floor you 'give' the money, In this move you have
   to be very 'sure' that is, not shake on your hand and slowly push
   it forward pressing your eyes together and so on.. Just boldly go where no
   man has gone before ! [...youuuh cooouuld beeeh maaiiaiinn...]

   Black Market..

     If you are in real need, there is always the black market but . There
   is again always the chance that you get poisoned by methanol or get water.
   I have never bought anything myself but several times I have been offered
   by some ******* russian guy who wanted to sell some 75cl Vodka was it..
   50% Vol for 60FIM (Abt. 15$). [sorry can't make out any words.. just
   screaming, drumming, guitar-soloes * 10 + guys in background screaming in
   the background.. = music ?!?!]

     Or another cute way is of course that you buy 99% Alcohol and then mix
   your own drinks but... .. . Hard to find something that is not poisoned
   by something that smells & tastes like <sencured>.. But but but.. [..We'll
   keep rocking till the sun comes up..] . But this txt file was about how to
   get booze from Alko while you are under 19 years so why am I writing thing
   .. Humm Anyway I have to write a lot of bull-shit over here to get the size
   stretched out.. But on the other hand what is the reason with a 100Kb file
   just full of bull-**** !?! Well.. Back to business !

   What else to use it for ?!

     The info you now know can be used to a lot of other things than buying
     alcohol ! For example ..
         - Get into movies you 'shouldn't' be allowed to see .. Ehh..
         - Getting summerjob ? And you are only 15 ? You got it !
         - Get into bars, discoes, clubs !
         - Get *h*ck* what are a lot older (What's the use ??!)
         - Buy chemicals & other poison what you need to be 18/20 to buy
         - Buy booze
         - etc etc etc
         - etc etc
         - etc
         - etcý
         - etcý + û(etcý * etcü) where n = etcý
     There is an trillion of reasons why you should use this info !!
     So...
                  UU  UU SSSSS EEEEE  II TTTTTT !!
                  UU  UU SS    EE     II   TT   !!
                  UU  UU SSSSS EEE    II   TT   !!
                  UU  UU    SS EE     II   TT
                   UUUU  SSSSS EEEEE  II   TT   !!

   What more ?!?!

   Theese should help you up a little, please note though that theese are
   just what I have noticed what works.  It could be just plain luck that
   I have got all theese times but I doubt it VERY much.. Remember it's not
   a question of how long you are, or how big you are.. I know one girl
   who is not so very long at all .. And she has no problem to get at all..
   (Maybee it is because of serval other reasons but <grin!>.. Anyway..
   Maybee I shouldn't talk about them here ..) [..off to never never land..]

   Another smart move is that read theese papers so you know them, that is
   do not come into shop hysterically look through theese papers for some
   hints about what to do..

   Good luck and best regards from.. Matte

   You are using all info you have got from this text file on your own risk
   pleasure & satisfaction.

   Inside jokes

   And remember the golden rule...  "COREL DOES IT AUTOMATICALLY"
   and of course "Neidit Valittaa !­!"
   and not to forget "Barum Barum" And please don't have barm-festivales
       inside Alko-shops..

   And for thoose who didn't figure it out ALKO is a shop in Finland what
   sells booze..

   Thoose [off] small texts [to] in [ ] are just some [never] weird song
   [never] texts [never] running [land] in the background.. Disregards
   'em. {  } are 'en again some small jokes..

   GIIHAA TO :

      Andy         How's your hand ?
      Pierre       Poor neighbours
      Solar        Why keep sober ?
      Spirit       Keep sober while coding ?
      WIPerson     "wiPeRSon"
      Tepi         How's your balls ?
      Tjl          Greetings to Tom from me
      Tom          Greetings to Tjl from me
      Mice         Da.. Da.. Da.. Da.. Da.. Daaarrrrrrrraaaaa
      2-Les        Nice to have others who write messages in this world
      Tobe         Kanske.... .. .. .
      Laatu        How's your balls ?
      Julle        Learning Assembler
      Mikko        We were lucky.. At Hietsu..
      Madjack      Good luck
      Eve          Lucky you (You don't need this file)
      Papu         Open up your BBS again
      Peicco       Keep TuTing
      Arzenegger   AAAARHG! You don't need this text file anymore ;(
      Sid          Gotta release something new soon
      NightTrain   Having fun in the wood ?
      Data         Plip.. Plip.. Plip..
      Kamikaze     Banzai
      Dani         Barum Barum
      Meteor       Hi
      Spy          New reader ready ?
      Elkku        Keep rocking
      Reijo        Though about it ? (joining..)
      Ambra        Thx for some hints
      Joge         When are you gonna cut your hair ?!?
      Hena         Luckily no calls yet, but..
      Doc.Wizz     Keep cracking
      Kinkku       Dream on
      Ponde        Thx for the party
      MR           Let's got to ™”ga another time ?
      RanX         Don't come here and throw up
      Army         Yahoo
      Arksa        Keep up the good work
      JayJay       Call me sometime will'ya ?
      Jasu         How's your neck ?
      Kride        I'm too sexxy for this greeting
      K F C        Yo
      Sakke        Where is my Die Hard game ?!?!
      Torre        Learned C Yet ?
      Erge         How's "The good die young" going ?!?!?
      Didde        Looking forward doing business with ya
      The Clan     Hi
      FC           ..
      Elite Club   Let's go and have some FUN !!(Again!)
      Sun Programming Service Development Team: Keep programming !
      Everyone who was at Hietsu 28.8.91 and especially one person..
      All gansters moving over phone lines in the rainy night
      All hackers and crackers
      And guys left out - Magge: SORRY!!!

   And my personal FUCK OFFS goes to

      (It's no honor to be in this list !!)

         magge      Your such a looser !!
                    To quote Guns n'Roses "SUCK MY FUCKIN' DICK!" Suck your
                    Anus, Do the world a favor, hang yourself in the balls!

         bosse      ..Nothing personal but..

         microsoft  Learn how to code in Asm !

         the guy who hacked Trk, Da.. Juast wait If I would see ya.. I would
                    wipe out your existence electronically ;), mash your
                    balls (you do have balls I suppose..) between my speakers
                    , put you and my speakers and a 1000Watt amplifier in
                    same room and full volume, Ahhhh... Just wait till I
                    catch ya and YOU ARE DEAD MEAT ASSHOLE.. !! And Oh..
                    Nothing personal ! I hate you with the bottom of my hart
                    HEHEHEHEHEHEHHHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEHEHHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH
                               <  GRIN..  >

   Music stuff..

      You have probably noticed thoose [ ] stuff, they where taken from
   theese groups..

        Dire Straits    ùù Money for nothing
        Queen           ùù Innuendo
        AC/DC           ùù Razors Edge
        Scorpions       ùù Crazy World
        Guns n'Roses    ùù Use your Illusion I & II
        Metallica       ùù Metallica
        + Quite a lot more

   A big Hi to all of 'em and their respective members !

   Gotta comment ?

        Write to the following address:
             Matias Dahl
             01100 ™stersundom
             ™rnvik
             Finland
        Or call some popular TG BBSes in Helsinki (That is in Finland) and
        leave a E-Mail to Matte (If your in luck I'm user there.. ;-))

   Comments from thoose who have read it

        - Can't say too much, It's great
        - Marvelous !
        - Nice crap
        - Hehehehe..

   Coming up

        I have quite a lot of plans of future text files in style of this
      but I'm sorry I cannot reval them yet.. Heheheh.. Just wait .. I'm
      VERY busy coding right now so just have patience !!!!!

   Version History..

      v0.01   Just some bullshit written at/after/in/on a party..
      v1.00   Initial release.
      v1.20p  A _LOT_ of typos was fixed, how many are still here ??!
              Some errors were corrected and a few things added.
      v1.2pq  Some small stuff added..
      v1.60   Quite a lot added
      v1.61   Improved (?) the greetings added a few small things
              some small typos..
      v1.70   Again some stuff added & fixed & etc..

[I'm too sexxy for this file /click

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