Season 2, Episode 2: The Game of Life (Any% WR Speedrun)

*The following article contains spoilers for Season 2. Please listen to the season in its entirety or be warned!*

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**The Game of Life [Any% WR Speerun]** is the 2nd episode of season 2 of *Dungeons and Daddies*.

## Episode Description

*The teens confront horrors at the local elementary school where they must do battle with a monster obsessed with speedrunning.*

## Introduction

Taylor Swift delivers a monologue about how, because he always knew he would change the world, he wasn't surprised by the events of the previous episode and that the upcoming adventure is *his* story.

## Rad Facts

* Taylor Swift (Freddie Wong): Taylor can start a fire anywhere, under any condition, at any place on earth provided that he has a butane lighter, an ample supply of tinder, and somewhat dry conditions.
* Lincoln "Link" Li-Wilson (Matt Arnold): Lincoln likes trains; they're similar to airplanes, but safer.
* Normal Oak (Will Campos): Normal enjoys songs from all genres of music, but only when they're played by a marching band.
* Theresa "Terry/Scary" Marlowe (Beth May): Scary's guidance counselor suggested that Scary write letters to her stepfather, but all she's done is leave passive aggressive post-it notes about how he does housework.
* Dungeon Master (Anthony Burch): Anthony founded his school's film club.

## Plot Summary

### San Dimas Elementary School

A gremlin emerges from behind The Runner and begins to tinker with the machine. The Runner asks if she should let the Teens jump to the front of the line. The gremlin replies that the only thing that matters is that they participate in the speedrun, because that's all that matters to The Doodler. Link Wilson interjects that they haven't come for that. Normal Oak puts on The Ring of Invisibility but also Blindness, and Link believes The Runner and the gremlin did something to Normal. Taylor Swift, still under the curse that forces him to think aloud for the rest of this adventure, announces that Normal is wearing the ring.

The Runner grasps Normal's invisible form and he removes the ring to talk to her. Scary Marlowe asks The Runner and the gremlin about The Doodler; and they reveal that they serve it. Taylor asserts that they've heard that kindergartners are being killed, which horrifies The Runner and The Tinkerer. They explain that they are teaching the children what all kids need to know - to move fast, move quick, and get paid - and they're teaching at an accelerated rate. Normal and Link turn to Scary, urging her to respond as the leader of the group, but Scary responds that she's too radical for authority and doesn't see herself leading them. Taylor replies that he would be a better leader and realizes that he's saying his thoughts out loud again before gagging himself.

They receive a call from Agent Mae Hailes asking for an update. Normal summarizes the situation and asks for guidance. Agent Hailes reiterates that the main objective is to get the kids out alive, ideally at the age they were when they first went into the machine. Taylor pulls a fire alarm, but the exits are still locked. Taylor blurts out that it'll be 20 minutes before firefighters arrive, as their fire department is the worst in the nation. The runner retorts that 20 minutes in the simulation can feel like an infinite amount of time as six veins pop out of her hands to grab the Teens.

Normal tries but fails to lift the machine using the muscles in his back. The Tinkerer begins to mock him, so Taylor kicks him into a wall across the room. Link grabs a globe and tries to kick it but misses and trips. The Runner makes a grab for the Teens, and only Normal is able to escape its tentacles. It begins to move the three grappled teens to the machine. Scary casts Unseen Servant to summon an iguana named "Goth" who she commands to fetch a lighter from Taylor's backpack and begin burning the machine.

Normal begins randomly hitting buttons on the panel, finding himself unable to read it. The speed increases, causing The Runner to stumble and have her leg ripped off by the treadmill, forcing her to jump on one leg to continue. Taylor pulls out a hidden pocketknife but is unable to cut through the veins grasping him. Link realizes that he recognizes The Runner as a teacher named Mrs. Nerfley whom he met in the library with his father. He tries to appeal to her former identity, but she responds that what she's doing is all that matters. The Runner finishes putting Scary, Link, and Taylor into the simulator.

### Inside the Simulation

Scary, Link, and Taylor hears the voice of The Runner explaining that they'll soon begin, and they realize that they're each in the womb and about to be born. Taylor sees two unknown male forms as he enters the world. The scene quickly advances to a play-date between the three of them, and they see a handsome man in a suit talking to a man who is on fire but not bothered by it. The Runner's voice announces that their time is starting and that they have 32 years to beat the current record.

#### Taylor

Taylor realizes that he can reach the point of his life where he entered the simulator and go into another layer of the simulation, enabling him to know winning lottery numbers as a child. He repeatedly goes through 12-year loops, each time failing to convince his mother to buy a lottery ticket until he reaches the age of 36, failing to beat the record.

#### Link

Link plans to purchase a digital currency called *Fartcoin* at $8 and sells it for $69, but this requires more capital than he was prepared to have. He finds the challenge too stressful and lives out the remainder of his life normally. He finds a partner, has children, and creates a life for himself.

#### Scary

Scary remember having seen the airbag deploy spontaneously in a self-driving vehicle and convinces the driver to let her into the driver's seat, causing the airbag to hit her chest when it deploys. She then sues the car manufacturer for her injuries and sexual harassment and wins $600,000 in the negligence case. She then hires an elderly Billie Eilish to help her produce a hit single, *Scorpion Slut* (under the name of her band *Butthole Ricochet*) and quickly accrues $10M in royalties, breaking the record.

### Back at the School

The Tinkerer returns the Teens to their original ages, and The Runner informs them that they can now leave. Profoundly affected by his simulated life as a father, Link refuses to leave without the children. The San Dimas Fire Department arrives and, seeing the scene inside the school, begin to carry children and The Runner outside to see paramedics. Before she's carried off, The Runner reveals that only The Tinkerer can restore the original ages of the children who had already tried to beat the record.

Normal approaches the lead firefighter and tries to persuade him to leave the aged children in their hands, but the firefighter brushes him off. As Link tries to join Normal's plea, he realizes that the firefighters haven't perceived anything paranormal about the scene. To convince him, Link and Normal cast healing spells on The Runner, restoring her leg. The firefighters shrug it off, assuming that she was less injured than they thought. She cackles and leaps up, snapping the necks of two firefighters and advancing on the paramedics before fleeing.

Bedecked in a kindergartner's discarded clothing, Normal manages to corral the real kindergartners back into the school. They demand that The Tinkerer restore the children's original ages, and, terrified of the Teens, he complies and agrees to return to D.A.D.D.I.E.S. Headquarters with them.

They receive another call from Agent Hailes and tell her that, while they have saved the children, The Runner remains at large.

## Quotes

* "My boyfriend was a scorpion slut, I wanted to call him, now I don't know what I'm gonna do. He's a scorpion. I don't want to date a scorpion. He turned into a scorpion and now I'm just a scorpion slut for my scorpion slut boyfriend... That was the sound that the pincher makes, you know the thing with the poison that scorpions have (stinger!) but it's romantic, he's really put me through the ringer (ringer!) " *- Butthole Ricochet, Scary's hit single*

## Trivia

* The title consists of two references: the board game *The Game of Life* and speedrunning.
* Matt refers to the mania that ensued among fans of the television show *Rick and Morty* following an episode featuring Szechuan sauce from McDonald's*.*
* Iguanas run faster than teenagers.
* Anthony and Freddie both owned cane-swords in high school.
* Link mentions reading Berenstain Bear books.
* Anthony likens the simulator to the technology used in the film *The Matrix*.
* Will says Scary getting into the driver seat in her simulation instead of the car's owner triggered a *Final Destination* scenario.

## Continuity

* Freddie establishes the Teens' character classes as their code names.
* After failing a lockpicking attempt in the previous episode, Taylor's curse to think aloud takes effect in this episode.
* Anthony establishes the term "got the sauce" to refer to anybody who has been driven mad by their obsession with chaos and The Doodler.