Expedition 154: Cathedral Remodeling

**Expedition 154:** *Cathedral Remodeling*

**Date:** 16th of Monova, the Black Week

**Roster:** Ani Stormaxe, Bea’savac, Kel’Soveen

*At the end of the Black Week of Monova, year 366 of the Age of Pain by the Valorian Calendar, a visitor to the Ironwood Inn in Port Vrall could have overheard the following tale from Ani Stormaxe, as she drank and recovered from several carefully bandaged injuries.*

“... So, I were walking out of Fort Gravewall, covered in dung but wit’ no more ghouls left in tha tunnels ‘tween me and the entrance, feeding tha gods-blasted explosive bats little slices of me rations to keep ‘em calm. I were just about home free, when all ‘of a sudden, one a tha bats starts to choke on a peanut.”

The crowd gasps. One idiot in the back speaks up: “Wait, how is that scary?”

“Well they bleedin’ explode when they die, don’t they!? An’ this one were coughing it’s way to the afterlife right quick, the scrawny little rat. Right as I were carryin’ ‘im and all ‘is kin through a hallway full o’ swinging axe traps! I thought I were through.”

“But, I ain’t carryin’ two belts o’ hammers made by me own two hands’ just for fashion! It’s like I told me pa before I left for here; there be an ‘ammer for ev’ry problem! I pulled out wee little Knee-breaker, this here beauty. So small, she is, she fit right through tha bars o’ the wretched little blighter’s cage! I gave that bat a firm tap right on the back, and then a few more taps for good measure! Peanut came out, and I realized somethin’: I didn’ need to worry about keepin’ tha bats calm if’n they were concussed! So I gave all of ‘em Knee-breaker’s tender attentions, I did, and didn’ have any more trouble for the rest o’ tha day.”

Ani drank deeply from her flagon as the crowd cheered.

“I don’t believe you,” said the one idiot.

“Oh, you don’? Well--”

“I heard you telling this same story yesterday, and you said you were in a normal hallway when the bat started choking. And you didn’t mention any ghouls, either. And I heard from Ginnie that you didn’t even say a word about a bat choking the day *before* yesterday. You’re making things up.”

“Making things up, are I? Heh!” Ani takes a deep swing from her flagon. “Bull. I couldn’ make this up, this work wit’ tha Compact. It’s tha other way ‘round. I couldn’ tell you all everythin’ the first time, or you’d be laughing me outta this place! This continent, it’s a madhouse. I’ been slowing things down for y’all.”

“I’ve been living here for fifteen years. I know the difference between the crazy stuff that happens here and lies.”

“Do yeh? So wha, you wan’ me to tell you everything all at once, then?”

“Sure, if you can. You’re too slow to make up a good story without three days to try at it.”

“I be too *drunk* to make up a good story right now, ya munchkin! An’ I don’t need to. Let me tell you all wha’ I did two days ago. Craziest thing I ever done, it were, an’ with two of tha Compact right beside me!”

“This should be funny,” said the one idiot. His voice is drowned out by the appreciative shouts and encouragement of the crowd.

“Oh course, I don’ know whether I’m drunk enough to share tha tale. Harrowing thing, it were…”

In the next ten seconds, two more flagons of ale are purchased and set before Ani, as the one idiot scoffs.

Ani takes a sip. “Thank ye! Alrigh’, now, I’ll tell ye: the story of me journey right into the heart o’ the mightiest Empire o’ dwarves from the last Age, capitol of a Kingdom that once ruled all the lands ye walk on now: Mountain!”

The crowd oohs and aahs.

“It were the mornin’ o’ Quarterin’, the 16th o’ Monova. Me an’ Kel’Soveen, that pretty-boy half-elf who just joined tha Compact, and Bea’Savac herself, the Wolf Duchess o’ Mythollow, were journeyin’ through the Mageline to Mountain. We were armed an’ armored to tha teeth. The great claric o’ Ova, Uzmir ag Ghanim--right handsome fellow, as well--had blessed us with wards’ o’ protection. I had all of me’ hammers wit’ me, potions of healing, armor polished. The Compact, o’ course, had even more, all sorts o’ potions and baubles and wizard bits an’ bobs. We’d need it. Kel’Soveen was leadin’ the expedition, an’ he had ‘is eye on tha greatest treasure in tha Cathedral o’ Mountain: a chandelier!”

Ani pauses to take a long gulp of her ale, while the crowd waits impatiently. The one idiot speaks up: “A chandelier is a hanging setting for candles. Lots of people have those. I’ve been in Councilor Fraiser’s house and *he* has one.”

Ani continues to drink her ale for several seconds. The one idiot continues: “You didn’t know what a chandelier is, did you?”

Ani drinks for another span, then puts down her flagon. “O’ course I know wha’ a chandelier is, ye great poltron!” Ani lies. “I jus’ needed to get a little bit drunker, for the thought of al’ the gold and jewels on this one!”

“This weren’t no ordinary chandelier. Tall as an ogre, wide around as this here tavern, and every inch o’ it, solid gold. No candles on it, either! Every light was made o’ Everglow, tha’ magic stuff they make under the Inkwells. A fortune, it were, more money than I had ev’r seen in one place before, in all me adventures! Not like whatev’r dinky chandelier’s hanging above Counciler Fraiser’s dinner table, ye git, an’ I be insulted ye even think to compare them!”

The crowd laughs and jeers at this, though a few pat the one idiot consoling and hand him another flagon of ale.

“Now, o’ course, this great fortune were behind terrible guardians. The trek to find it were harrowing.”

“Now, the Mageline itself were a fine, pleasant journey. The Compact says Archmage Otiluke dug it wit’ magic, an I believe ‘em. Good, clean, solid tunnel it were; even me Grandma the miner woulda been impressed. We had no troubles in it ‘til we got all the way to tha entrance o’ Mountain.”

“Ah, but at tha entrance, there were awful foes. To protect their capital, the old Empire had bound six souls to tha gate o’ Mountain, six warriors whose undyin’ vigilance would protect the gate ev’n when all tha people o’ Mountain had died! Now, tha Compact didn’ want to fight them, but these six ghosts weren’t idiots. Kel’Soveen was a good fast talker, but he could only talk to these six ghosts through that crazy fey-snake o’ his. He had them relaxin’ for a while, but in tha end, it were always going to come down to a fight. We waited fer tha perfect moment, and then we struck!”

“The ghosts were terrible foes, they were. Their pikes went right through ye, like they weren’ real, but it felt like ye had been struck wit’ poisoned blades. We were outnumbered two te one, and tha ghosts retreated behind an iron gate, so tha’ we could na’ step forward wit’out being struck through wit’ the pikes!”

Ani takes a swing from her second mug of ale while the crowd waits on tenterhooks.

“But, we weren’t no ordinary fighters. Bea pulled out her legendary sword, the bane o’ Prexar an’ tha dark archmage Vizek, the great Glort--”

“*Glort!?* It’s *Glory--,”* the idiot interjects.

“Do na interrupt me, ye git, I heard it from tha Duchess’ own mouth that it be *Glort!* Hrmph.”

“Anyway, Bea pulled out her legendary sword Glort, an slamm’d aside the gate an’ cut one a’ tha ghosts clean in two wit’ that magic weapon! An’ Kel’Soveen unleashed his magic, an’ though those spirits could na’ be touched by mortal hands he sent them flyin’ back, an’ made a great hole in tha pike line! An’ I, wit’ me own great weapon, Wyrmcrusher here--” Here Ani taps the huge maul resting next to her seat on the tavern floor “--I charged into tha breach, an’ I crushed one o’ tha ghosts with two mighty swings!”

The crowd cheers. Ani takes another swig of ale.

“As tha ghosts were forced back by me mighty swings, they sounded horns an’ released deadly vials o’ poison gas, from a hidden trapdoor above us! But, tha ghosts might’ve lasted three centuries without trouble, but tha poison didn’t. An’ there weren’t no other guards to come to their aid. So wit’ Kel pushing them back, an’ Bea and I mincin’ tha ones in front, it weren’t long before they were all slain!”

“It were a good fight, but not the greatest o’ tha night. After we destroyed that darn gate, so tha nobody could use it anymore, we kept heading inta Mountain. ‘Fore long, we met a stranger comin’ tha other way.”

“It were a whole platoon o’ skeletons, lead by one wit’ glowing white eyes an’ a voice like an elf wit’--well, wit’ a more intact throat. Nearly put me to fits, it did! But Bea, she greeted this skeleton like an old friend. This were one o’ the Compacts’ strange allies, like those Giants up on Frostone, or tha’ huge octopus up North in the reefs. O’ course, from what the Duchess tol’ me, this ally were created by the Compact themselves’, on accident, when they delved into Mountain earlier this year!”

“That can’t be right, that’s not how skeletons work,” says the one idiot. “ They don’t *talk*. They’re mindless, and if they don’t have a necromancer controlling them, they go berserk and begin killing anything they can find.”

“Are ye calling me a liar? Are ye an expert on skeletons?”

“The Compact says the reason they can’t just kill the vampires up in Liefsend right away is because all of their skeletons and zombies would go mad. Valorie Vayer, who *you* were working for, went around town calling for war, and she said that the zombies and skeletons would attack everything anyway if the Compact slew the vampires. I trust her more than you.”

An awkward silence hangs over the bar. Ani takes a long swig from her flagon. The one idiot grins, sensing victory.

“Oh, you’re both right.” A new voice speaks up from a corner, dramatically. An aged but broad-shouldered human takes a sip from his own flagon. “The Thief is not a normal skeleton. She’s a celestial, according to the Compact. She controls the other skeletons, like the vampires, though I’d much rather share a drink with her than them. I enjoy not being on the menu!” Boris Vadislav raises his flagon as some laughs sweep the room.

“Exactly!” Ani grins. “And don’t ye keep mockin’ me, ye grubber, ye did na follow a word o’ tha either! Now, as I were saying. This skeleton thief, didn’t give me ‘er name, she an’ Bea fell to chatting like old friends as she led us down through Mountain to the Cathedral. All o’ the undead wanderin’ the city, least the ones wit’ flesh, the Rhief commanded to move away, an’ they did! Tha city were as beautiful as it were sad, from all the good souls lost in it. I wish I had had more time ta explore, but Kel drove us on quickly. Eager as a sparrow to fly, he is.”

“Well, tha Cathedral were guarded by more ghosts, and by some of those metal men, Sparksouled, except these ones were still enslaved by tha order o’ tha Empire. So Kel used his magic to dig a hole right in through the Cathedral walls, he did, an’ we avoided the guards.”

“But inside the Cathedral, it were a maze! Even wit’ my tunnel-sense, I could na figure out which way was right, an o’ course, the halfling and half-elf were ev’n worse off. We walked for hours through beautiful stonework, an’ almost despaired o’ finding our prize. But eventually we found some hallways decorated wit jewels and carpets, an’ knew we were on tha right path! But then--disaster!”

“It came at us from above, walking across a balcony high above the ground. But as soon as it decided to strike, it leapt off tha causeway an’ fell eighty feet, I tell ye, smashing tha marble beneath it!”

“It were as tall as a troll, covered in silver an’ gears, empty eyes set in a heartless face. It reached out wit’ one hand an’ picked Bea up like a wee bairn, and wit’ its other, it grabbed me by me hammer-hand and nearly yanked me clean off me feet! As Kel struck it wit’ his magic, it did na even flinch! It were one o’ the old Empire’s mightiest golems: A Custodian of Mountain!”

“Wait, like a cleaner? That’s not--”

“Shut ye gob, I am narratin’ me harrowin’ ordeal! Now, I were clasped by the Custodian’s great metal palm, as wit it’s other hand, it were strangling Bea like some dog’s toy. I wrenched at tha’ cold silver hand, but it did na’ budge. I drew one o’ me hammers, gallant’ Stonecracker, an’ struck tha hand, but it were like striking tha armor o’ Torr hisself, for all tha good it did. A lesser dwarf woulda been dead an’ done for, an would a’ given up. But I were made o’ tougher stuff. Wit’ all me strength, all me hope, an’ all me experience, I planted me feet, and pulled away from tha jaws o’ death. An’ even the magic and might o’ the old Empire could na overcome me! I wrenched free o’ tha Custodian and ran for me freedom, as the Compact made their own escape.”

“Wait, you just ran away and let the Compact fight the Golem? Like a coward?”

“Nah, I *jus’* said I wrenched free and ran for me freedom, an’ the Compact did tha same thing. O’ course, Kel were wearing some magic bangles that made it so robots can’t attack him, an’ Bea just pulled out some wizard nonsense explosives an’ vaporized tha Custodians’ hands clean off, so really, even though they fought it for longer, I think we were all equally courageous.”

“Uh huh.”

“Now, there were one wrinkle: due entirely to luck, I happen’d to retreat down the hallway tha went the wrong direction, an’ the Compact went down the hallway going to the chandelier. But, thanks ta Bea’s keen senses and Kel’s flyin’ snake, they found me as I were finding me way back and they guided me around any hazards.”

“So you got lost?”

“Ye are not hearing wha I am saying. I said I *happened* to pick tha wrong direction while strateg’clly retreating. Pure luck.”

“An’ it weren’t important, because now, we could finally see our prize! A work o’ art tha size o’ a house, hangin’ from the ceiling, covered in jewels an’ gold.an’ vials o’ glowing magic. It were a stunning sight, an’ the only thing tha’ could make it more sweet, were tha knowledge that we were going to be taking it all back to sell!”

Ani finishes her second flagon. “But, ‘fore we could, we needed ta get it down on the ground. The magic o’ the lights, like mos’ magic, was very dangerous if broken, so we needed ta take every light out o’ the chandelier, lower it down slowly, than break the gold down on the ground, so tha Kel could use one a’ his spells to move tha whole pile, an’ us, back to tha Nestle.”

“So, first, Kel flew up an’ hung ropes off the Chandelier, an’ we all climbed up an’ scurried around it, lookin’ fer the lights to take off. It were slow work, an’ made me head spin, but I foun’ plenty o’ lights an’ handed them off to Kel’s flying snake to pile up below. Bea did tha same. All were well. Then, Kel dropped one a tha vials right on me, from above!”

“Tha magic spilt across me armor, tha very thing I had signed onto this whole grand expedition ta get. I reached up an’ tried to take it off right quick, ‘fore the magic got to me. But then, me own armor began to close around me, tryin’ ta crush me chest! The magic in the Everglow had brought it to *life!*”

“What the heck kind of sense does that make--”

“None, because wizards are bleedin’ offenses to god an’ nature! Me prized an’ recently acquired plate mail began movin’ about wit’ a mind o’ it’s own, tryin’ to crush me as I barely clung to the chandelier three dozen feet off the ground! Bea an’ Kel, they tried ta help, but neither o’ them could get close without takin’ a punch, much less take off me armor! Ah, how I cursed having done it up so well that mornin’!”

“But what a dwarf can make, she can unmake, an’ me armor fastenings counted for tha’ truth! I ripped off the whole panoply, grieves then’ bracers than helmet, then me cuirass and maile, an’ dropped it down onto tha floor o’ tha room. But it weren’t enough; it got up like some puppet. I gave a sob for wha’ I had to do.”

“I lifted me javelin, Icicle, an’ threw it into me armor, pinning it to tha floor. An then, I turned me head as Bea dropped down to finish tha job. Cryin’ shame, it was. Me armor stopped moving, but it were so full of holes it were useless. An’ I had had it fer less than a month!”

“But me ma always said, do na cry over spilled steel, so I get me belts off of the armor, an’ got back to work. Finishing off the lights, then figurin’ how to lower the chandelier. That task made me feel I’d earned me pay!”

“First, so the chandelier would na’ crush the marble altar beneath it, and make a horrid racket to attact every beast and golem in tha place, Bea an’ I had to shove the whole bit o’ marble thirty feet out o’ tha way. Nearly threw out me back doin’ tha, and ruined me knees for good measure! Ahh. *An’ then*, it took Kel half an’ hour to find the gears to lower the chandelier, an’ it were designed for six people. So Bea an’ I had to run back an’ forth between two different levers each, lowering the chandelier just a hair at a time, catching it so it didn’t fall, until it finally got down to the floor. An’ at the end o’ that, I were so exhausted I could barely feel me feet. An’ we still had to break tha chandelier up to fit it through Kel’s spell!”

Ani shakes her head and reaches for her flagon, only to find it empty. She gives a long sigh.

Then, a few seconds later, she gives another long sigh. Getting the picture, a kind listener quickly purchases and proffers another flagon of ale.

“Ah, thank ye much! At tha end o’ it all, we were workin’ for two hours, an’ it were only the grace o’ Torr that no more Custodians came to find us. I were hungry and sore a’ tha end, but it were worth it’. Three platinum--yes, ye heard me, three platinum!--o’ wealth we had in front o’ us.”

The crowd gasps and whoops in disbelief and astonishment. Ani basks in the adulation for a moment, then takes a sip o’--that is a sip *of*--her ale. “An o’ course, tha were only the magic vials. Includin’ the gold and jewels from tha chandelier, it were seven platinum and a fifth.”

The crowd hollars in astonishment and envy, and scattered applause breaks out.

Ani smiles. “Thank ye. More gold than I said I had ever seen in one place before, an’ I meant it! An’ now that all the hard work were done, all I had to do were wait until Kel could complete ‘is spell, an’ walk home wit’ our fortune.”

“Only one weird thing were, as we were leaving, some dwarf walked into the Cathedral behind us. Strange fellow. Silver skin, silver beard, an’ fine clothes, robes an’ silks.”

Ani takes a swig of her ale. The one idiot speaks up: “And who was he, then? Emperor Torrson? An Archmage of the Mageline?”

Ani slowly finishes her sip. “Now, that were a curious thing. Bea an’ Kel, and Valorie, once I told her, none could say who this dwarf were. We left just as he were appearing, so he did na have time to declare hisself. But now, I think I know exactly who he were.”

“Oh? And who’s that?”

“Well, ain’t it obvious? He were me distant ancestor, come ta hand me the crown o’ Mountain! Fah! Nah, I dunno who he were.” Ani takes a long sip of ale. “An’ now I’m too drunk to make good jokes, along wit’ good lies. But it dunnot matter. The Compact offered me money to repair me armor, an’ I paid off me debt to Valorie in full. It weren’t a clean mission without loose ends, but when is there one? What’s important is simple: we got tha loot to pay for drinks, an’ the stories to make drinking fun! Now, next round’s on me! Drink up, ye louts!”

Ani slams a sizeable pouch of coins on the bar to general cheers. She accepts another drink as more are handed around to all the listeners. The one idiot sulks for a moment, but looks up with surprise when Ani offers him a flagon. After a moment, he takes it, and they both drink deeply.

**Expedition Result:** Success

**Expedition Level:** 15

**Expedition Loot:** Three platinum of Everglow, stored in one hundred vials; 4100gp in gold, jewels, and art taken from the Great Chandelier of the Cathedral of Mountain.