Episode 3: "Men are Trash and I Gotta Go"

*This week, the queers bite deep into 2007's TEETH. Nay takes the lead on a discussion that ranges from high school sex ed to body autonomy to vibrator etiquette, Mark makes his second Fraggle Rock reference in as many episodes, and Michael reveals exactly who he would use his vagina dentata on. Plus, in Tea Time we sip on ACROSS THE UNIVERSE, ROOM, and LeBron James' general existence.[1]*

## **Content Warning**

This episode features discussion of sexual assault.

## **Trivia**

Coming from inside Nay's vagina this week.

**Mark:** I love what you've done with the place.

**Michael:** Beautiful drapes.

**Mark:** I just like to think that we're in here to help you floss.

**Nay:** Of course. Get those hard to reach spots.

Nay and Michael are mean to Mark for no reason. No "Studfinder" this episode. Everyone agrees Mother the dog and especially Dawn are the Stud. Producer Brennan becomes more of a regular voice on the show, joining in with his own sex ed story from his youth.

## **Tea Time**

**Mark:** *Across the Universe*

**Michael:** LeBron James' philanthropy (with a brief digression on Guy Fieri); *Top of the Lake* season 2 *Schitt's Creek* season 4

**Nay:** LeBron James' workout videos on Instagram; *Room*; *Orange is the New Black* season 6

## **Shady Summaries**

**Michael:** Watch a cool chick reclaim her narrative.

**Mark:** *Teeth*. Because dick doesn't always make you smile.

**Nay:** Nuclear waste bad bitch basically teaches us how to search for body autonomy.

## **Brennan's game**

*Sex Degrees of Kevin Bacon*

**Mark:** We are trying to connect people to Kevin Bacon via…

**Brennan:** Either people they've had sex scenes with. Or, you never want to assume that people who are in a romantic relationship are having sex, but in the case of this movie I am going with people that are their love interests because I just wanted to make it easier.

**Mark:** We're gonna be talking a lot about straight boning now.

**Brennan:** I know. Boring, lame. But I'm gonna have you connect two men as the first game.

**Mark:** So they touch tips through how many movies?

**First connection:** Chris Evans with Chris Pine. Bonus points for including other famous Chrises along the way.

**Michael:** I connect them in my head. Do I win?

Michael makes an attempt to connect the two Chrises, but, "I forgot about the sex."

**Mark:** I got as far as, i hate to say this, literally nowhere.

**Brennan:** This game goes on the cutting room floor. Of life. People are still going to have to listen to it.

**The answer:** Chris Evans was in *What's Your Number?* with Anna Faris, who was in *Take Me Home Tonight* with Chris Pratt, who was in *Guardians of the Galaxy* with Zoe Saldana, who was in Star Trek with Chris Pine.

## **Pride Float**

Yes or no? An emphatic Yes.

**Nay:** My version of the pride float. It is a 40-foot long by 15-foot wide clear glass aquarium on wheels, rolling through the parade.

**Mark:** Sponsored by Absolut Vodka.

**Nay:** So you've got this big aquarium *full* of all kinds of different severed dicks. All different kinds, just to the brim. Up to the brim, just full.

**Michael:** Dicks to the brim.

**Nay:** Dicks to the brim, honey. And on the side, written in the blood of my enemies, it just says, "Try me". And that's my pride float.

**Mark:** I don't think there's any reason to add to that, like there's nothing else to add. "Try me."

**Michael:** Or maybe, "Consent is good".

**Mark:** The only thing I would add is Bud Light. "Brought to you by Bud Light".

**Nay:** You do need a sponsor for it.

**Michael:** Brought to you by Absolut Vodka.

**Nay:** By Three Olives.

**Michael:** Or by Skinny Girl.

**Mark:** It's always Three Olives.

**Michael:** Or sponsored by Bravo.

**Mark:** Yeah. "Watch what happens!"

**Michael:** Yeah, it gets that float for me.

**Mark:** Yep, there you go.

**Michael:** It gets one in 2007 for sure. And it gets one today, because I think the movie actually plays better-- I don't  want to say the movie plays better, but it means--

**Mark:** It's not lost any of its relevance.

**Michael:** It's aged well. Is that a good way to put it? Considering the material.

**Michael:** Dicks to the brim, I'm just seeing a giant--

**Mark:** Dicks to the brim. Dicks to the brim!

**Nay:** We can use the same float from *Night School*, the same aquarium.

**Michael:** Just repurpose it to a dick brimming float?

**Mark:** Yeah. Recycle.

**Michael:** Dicks to the brim sounds like a really good name for a song.

**Mark (to listeners):** If you decide to follow Nay, please don't send her weird messages. Because you know, you've already heard about the aquarium full of dicks.

**Nay:** Try me.

## **Quotes**

**Michael:** I tried explaining to (my mom) this podcast… yeah, no. I needed like graphs and like pictures, and I just didn't have those on me. She's like, "What's a podcast?" and "Queer horror, what does that mean?"

**Mark:** My mom keeps asking me "When does it start?" and all I could think of was (Michael) going, "Cum gutters cum gutters cum gutters" and I was like (groans) oh God, so here we go. It's gonna be interesting.

**Nay:** Whenever I think it's a cisgender straight man making something I'm almost always annoyed with it immediately and without giving it a chance.

**Michael:** I went to Catholic grade school and high school, I didn't fucking have any (sex education). I remember having one day in fifth grade where the eighth grade teacher came in and she started teaching us like, "You're almost in junior high where you're gonna start seeing stuff like 'shit' and 'dick' so it wasn't even like sex ed, it was like word ed. It's like, 'I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, I heard all those words when I was one.'" And then in high school, I had a religion class, I think is what she taught. And we had a general sex ed course and she actually went pretty deep, because I know some of the parents were upset with some of the things she taught and one of her main things she taught was masturbation. She didn't teach us how to do it, but she told us, "You're gonna do this..."

**Mark:** (feigning disgust): That's disgusting!

**Michael:** It's perfectly normal. And parents were upset.

**Mark:** (as an outraged parent): "She should be stopped!"

**Michael:** "Get that lady out of here!" So I didn't have a lot. I think like most kids, my sex ed came from my friends and peers.

**Mark:** Of course the thing for me, growing up, was the fact that I got sex ed, and you know, by the end of that rubric of classes, I could draw a vagina from memory but fat lot of good it did me.

**Mark:** Sex ed, I don't know what it's like now. I'm sure it hasn't changed, but y'know, it assumes that every student is heterosexual and um, you are left, at least in the early '90s, and as a queer kid, you are left to the recesses of the local library and the incipient wasteland of the internet to figure out how things work for you.

**Michael:** Nay, what was it like for you? You grew up pretty Christian, right? And you went to Christian school?

**Nay:** Oh, my God. Oh yes I did. I should say, 'Oh my goodness' so as to not take the Lord's name in vain.

**Michael:** (nasally) Oh my motherfucking God.

**Nay:** We got absolutely NO sex ed whatsoever. Abstinence only. I had classmates with purity rings, but that also included kissing, like you weren't supposed to kiss people before you got married. All our health book said was, "A sperm from your dad joins with an egg from your mom and creates a baby." And I remember having classmates be like, "But \*how\* do they get together??" And my mom was… she's a good Christian woman, but she-- I feel like she has these moments of being realistic that just really endear her to me and she was just like, "Listen, I had you without being married. So I can't tell you that like, people don't have sex when they're not married. And I'm not gonna tell you that sex doesn't feel amazing. I'm just gonna tell you that if you do it before you get married, you're a sinner!" And then she gave me this book, and I think it was called *So That's How I Was Made* and it talked about mommies and daddies being in love and penis in a vagina.

**Michael:** Did she get it from a library and have to give it back?

**Nay:** You know, I have no idea. But, I definitely, I feel like I learned about sexual things through like, situations that I did not consent to, y'know? Or I would be like, backtracking, like, "Okay, this thing happened and now I need to learn what's going to happen," and just without access to the internet, even at that age, I, there were times when I thought I was pregnant from not like, this person kissed me and I didn't want it, but I heard that if there's a lump on your leg, well then you're pregnant. Well, I sure did find a lump on my leg and was like, "Oh no! I'm gonna have a baby!" y'know, so just shit like that.

**Nay:** I think it's super fucked up to have a young person and deny them access to this kind of information while that young person is being sexual of their consent or not their consent. It just kind of blows my mind is all.

**Michael:** We have a habit in this country to deny people things and then, I don't want to say make a mistake, but when something happens as a result of them being denied, it's like, "How could you?" and it's like, "I didn't have the resources or tools to know any different". So, don't teach kids sex ed but then a fifteen-year old gets pregnant and she's a whore. What? It just makes no sense.

**Michael:** (Brennan), do you have a video?

**Brennan:** I have several videos if you want, but maybe we should wait until after the show.

**Brennan:** So I remember in sixth grade, there was this seminar. That was was an abstinence seminar I believe. And I believe there was a purity ring ceremony. I didn't go to it. But the thing is-

**Michael:** Quick question. Did you go to public school?

**Brennan:** I went to public school, yes. And I grew up in Orange County, which is kind of the conservative belt of California. But the most distinct thing I remember is that everyone was excited to go to it because they thought they were going to be showing porn videos. They were like, "You're gonna get to see what it's like!" Um, wasn't that. High school was pretty actually straight-forward about it. Still no gay stuff, but it was like, "Here's how it works, here's what you get." I think there was a waiver that your parents had to sign to allow you to join the class.

**Mark:** I love the waiver aspect.

**Michael:** I know.

**Mark:** It's like, "We're gonna make your kids hardcore pound-fuck!" What the fuck? What is that about? It's so weird! It's so weird to me! "No I want my child to be in the fucking dark."

**Michael:** Well, we're taught from a young age in this country that sex is shameful. Like, any kind of sex.

**Mark:** Well, it is, it's disgusting, Michael!

**Nay:** So y'all were allowed to masturbate? 'Cause we were definitely like, "Y'all are going to hell for that."

**Michael:** Well, the teacher taught that, but I think she might've gotten...

**Nay:** Probably in trouble.

**Michael:** 'Cause like, you're not supposed to spill any seed. Remember?

**Nay:** My mom still believes that masturbation is wrong. To this day my mother will be like, "That is a sin."

**Michael:** From a young age, boys are taught, or they're told at a young age that they're gonna go blind. Remember that whole...

**Mark:** Or hairy palms. Hairy palms I remember, because that was an even older one.

**Michael:** I used to look at my palms like-

**Nay:** (as young Michael) "Oh, no!"

**Michael:** They should be covered in fur by now.

**Nay:** I used to be really scared that the gynecologist was just gonna be able to tell that I masturbated. I was like, "What if she can tell and she's gonna tell my mom."

**Nay:** I actually didn't even know what I was doing was masturbating for like, a million years into it. So, God, once I found out that's what it was, I was like, '"'m going straight to hell."

**Michael:** I think it was, I kind of had that start, too. Like, "What just happened?"

**Nay:** I was like, "That was amazing, that's the coolest thing I've ever done."

**Mark:** I was like, "This is the best bath I've ever had! That was amazing!"

**Michael:** Laying facedown on my bed is suddenly excellent!

**Brennan:** Like, before you know what it is. Those moments are like, "I don't know what this is. Do I really need to pee?" But it's good.

**Michael:** "Did I just sneeze? But like, in a different part of my body?"

**Brennan:** Not quite that far yet.

**Michael:** Sneezes feel kind of great.

**Nay:** Oh, sneezes feel amazing.

**Brennan:** In my class, I don't think masturbation was like, on the curriculum. But there was a moment where the teacher had to do a Q&A moment where you could write down any question anonymously and she would answer them. And I remember there was still a bit of that fear-mongering thing. I *did* sing a song to the tune of "Don't Stop Me Now" about chlamydia.

**Mark:** Please tell me you remember it.

**Brennan:** I don't. I'm so sorry. I'll look it up... I'm going home this weekend, I'll see if there's anything hiding in the garage somewhere.

**Mark:** Please! New theme.

**Mark:** Movies where, if they're not Carrie, if they're not sort of completely destroyed entirely, movies like *Jennifer's Body* or *Teeth*. Where a young woman has a kind of lethal power, they always end with her, she can't stay, she has to leave. She's always exiled or it's a self-imposed exile… It was interesting the choice that Dawn chose to leave-- I mean, well, she ate her brother's dick, so I guess, her stepbrother's dick…

**Michael:** The dog ate it.

**Mark:** Well, the dog did. She just bit it off.

**Nay:** (as John Hensley) "Mother."

**Mark:** Obviously, she wasn't about to hang around, y'know, and explain, y'know, to her stepfather, it's like, "Funny story, but um…"

**Michael:** (as Dawn) "So Dad, listen..."

**Mark:** They always end with "The woman must be exiled."

**Michael:** Is there a way to look at it where she's running toward something better?

**Mark:** I mean, I think that is definitely an optimistic way of looking at it.

**Michael:** Because in a lot of ways, she's leaving behind the place that really kind of locked her in in one way or another.

**Nay:** I mean, like, the place where she was raped how many times?

**Michael:** And in *Jennifer's Body*, same kind of thing. Y'know, *Carrie*. It's just, ooof.

**Mark:** "Men are trash and I gotta go."

**Michael:** I almost look at it as like, this is where the queerness aspect of it comes into play for me, is kind of like how for a lot of queer people, at least for me. I shouldn't say a lot, this is my story, was like, I left somewhere to go somewhere bigger and more accepting, so for me that's like the queer aspect of the movie, the tipping point for the queer aspect of the movie is the very end where I look at it like she left her small town and she's going somewhere big and hopeful and exciting where she can be her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, without-- she's going to find her tribe is probably a good way to put it, y'know?

**Mark:** And where she can bite off trash dicks.

**Michael:** Or maybe the rest of her life is she never had to bite another dick off again, because she found a place that was for her.

**Mark:** Well, hopefully, right?

**Michael:** Yeah, hopefully.

**Mark:** That's an interesting question to pose, actually. Do you come away from the ending of the film thinking that she's going to, like, Dawn is empowered in the sense of like, a vigilante, where she is like...

**Nay:** Yes

**Michael:** I would love that.

**Mark:** I am going to go after, I am going to seduce bad men and punish them?

**Michael:** *Teeth 2: Go Fuck Yourself* is like, the subtitle of the movie?

**Mark:** You were talking about that scene at the gyno, yeah.

**Nay:** I just, I, fortunately in my life I feel like I've always had good gynecologists. But that moment, for anyone with a vagina, it can be really obviously uncomfortable no matter-- even if you're there 'cause you wanna be, and so, I felt, so good when she bit those fingers off. I was like, "FUCK YES!"

**Michael:** Well, the guy, his questions were so, like, ugh.

**Nay:** I hated him.

**Michael:** He was like, "This is your first time, right?" So he's making sure she doesn't know what he's about to do isn't routine, but it also made me think of all those athletes that are going to their fucking coaches' recommendation of their doctors like the gymnasts in the US, they're 12, 13, 14 and it's probably their first run-in with a gynecologist. And it just, ugh, it just opened up all those stories in my head and I was like, "EAT IT! Fucking bite every finger!"

**Nay:** You know what I wish? My least favorite part or aspect of this movie is that something has to be inserted in the vagina for it to bite it off. I really wish that the teeth could expand to...

**Mark:** Oh, you want full Xenomorph action.

**Nay:** Yes! I want the teeth to shoot out of the vagina…

**Mark:** *Alien*-style.

**Nay:** Yes, bite it off, and then retreat back in.

**Michael:** No penetration needed.

**Nay** I just feel like that would be so much better.

**Mark:** I mean, look, that is definitely the sequel development, unfortunately--

**Nay:** The next mutation.

**Nay** (on the music in the trailer for *Teeth*): I could swear it's vagina whistling.

**Mark:** Now I can't get that out of my head. It's literally what I'm--

**Michael:** That's the sequel.

**Mark:** Right. Dawn's pussy talks back. Now it's like, "Feed me!" It's like Little Shop of Horrors, that's the sequel.

**Nay:** Can you imagine? The baddest bitch, you walk in, her fucking vagina's whistling a little tune? I would die for that.

**Mark:** That would stop you cold.

**Michael:** Especially if she's talking at the same time. Like, "Where is that coming from?"

**Mark:** She's singing along.

**Nay:** She's harmonized with herself.

**Michael:** I feel like snapping my fingers through that one.

**Mark:** That's why the sequel could be a musical.

**Mark:** The gayest thing about this movie, to me, is, a film that contains no actual gay content, is just *the movie.* The entire take on vagina dentata, and this is what I find fascinating about the movie, is that it is taking extremely serious themes about sexual violence, about self-defense, about consent, about knowing your own body, and making them just a little campy.

**Michael:** It's tough to swallow.

**Mark:** Well, it's like, for whatever issues I have with the movie, I have to hand it to them for actually successfully putting you on the side of Dawn and never letting the movie fully tip over into camp because it never allows you to not take what happens to her seriously. But it very much feels like a gay man's sensibility where like, a bad man gets his fingers bit off and he screams, "Vagina dentata!" It's extremely, that's a very drag show kind of development. And that's not a complaint, because the movie seems to really know how completely outlandish on some level its core concept is.

**Michael:** I had that thought last night when I was watching it, that some of this content is being played for camp and sort of *Mommie Dearest* in a way.

**Nay:** In this game I just want you to pick whose dick **you** would bite off?

**Michael:** Paul Ryan. Done.

**Mark:** Good night, everyone.

**Nay:** I just want to say that we are playing this game like within the movie, where Dawn bites off penises that are bad, so. (Mark), what about you?

**Mark:** So many dicks to bite off…

**Michael:** Paul Ryan?

**Mark:** If I had to pick a first in line, it would be Mitch McConnell. And, you know that would mean actually having to watch Mitch McConnell disrobe and I would be willing to take one for humanity, essentially. Warning: Graphic content.

**Michael:** That's the dirtiest thing we've said on the show.

**Mark:** That's really the most horrific thing. So if I had to pick one, he's super-duper up there. Not a fan. This is all happening in the realm of fantasy, we don't endorse violence toward anyone. Even the most scummy terrible, awful, lying, twisted, monstrous people you can think of, but violence is never the answer. However, within the context of Nay's game, Mitch McConnell.

**Michael:** What about you, Nay?

**Nay:** So, if the teeth could extend out of my vagina and bite, that way.

**Mark:** No, you have to fuck them. That's the fucked up part.

**Nay:** 'Cause they gotta like, stick their dick in you and like, that's only good if you want it. Obviously. Goes without saying. But if I could venus flytrap it, you know, if the teeth could extend out of my vagina and bite, it would probably be this person I went to middle school with who told me… listen. This person told me that I did not have big titties. And I believed them for like, twenty years.

**Michael:** But Cheyenne Jackson told you…

**Nay:** I know. He really brought me to the light. Sometimes people tell you something when you're a kid and you believe it for thirty years and you're like, "Wow, why did I do that?" Literally this person told me that I did not have big titties and, like, three years ago my partner at the time was like, "Are you fucking kidding me? You have the biggest tits I've ever seen." And I was like, "You know what? You are *so* right."

**Mark:** You were like, "Thank you! Oh my God, thanks!"

**Nay:** So I'm like fuck you for having me living years and years thinking I don't have big titties when I do.

**Mark:** I don't think it's a good idea to ever tell anyone anything about their body. Shut the fuck up.

**Michael:** Keep it to yourself.

**Mark:** As Kara Brown on Keep It! Is fond of saying, "You can just choose to say nothing." I'm paraphrasing probably, but that's roughly what she's putting across and no truer words.

**Michael:** I always look at it like, you don't always need an opinion, y'know? Sometimes it's okay not to have anything to say on something.

**Nay:** As we sit here on a podcast….

## **Next Episode**

Episode 4: "The Best Flu Ever!" (w/ Don Mancini!)