McDonald's Chompionship with Don't Stop or We'll Die

"Munch Madness: McDonald's Chompionship with Don't Stop or We'll Die" is Episode 244 of *Doughboys*, hosted by Mike Mitchell and Nick Wiger. "Munch Madness: McDonald's Chompionship with Don't Stop or We'll Die" was released on March 26, 2020.

## Synopsis

For the finale of **Munch Madness 2020**, Michael Daniel Cassady and Paul Rust (Don't Stop or We'll Die) return for the remote recorded finale of the **Tournament of Chompions** where we decide the single best menu item at McDonald's.

## Nick's intro

517,000: that's an estimate of how many McDonald's employees do not receive paid sick leave, a shameful number. In the midst of the current COVID-19 crisis that threatens the health and welfare of millions of Americans, the absence of guaranteed sick leave for food-service workers is an abomination, necessitating sick employees, as they often do now, to work through their illnesses, endangering fellow workers and customers to this highly contagious contagion.

In a minor expansion of benefits designed for the obfuscation of PR professionals, McDonald's corporate recently reluctantly agreed to expand paid sick leave, but limited it to fourteen days for quarantined employees only, of corporate-owned stores only - a paltry concession as many Coronavirus sufferers, unlike damp Libertarian fail-son Rand Paul, do not have access to the tests that would lead to quarantine, and 90% of McDonald's are not corporate-owned, but franchise-owned.

Beyond that, McDonald's PR-oriented Coronavirus efforts include posting a socially-distanced version of the Golden Arches, a lame act of self-parody akin to Shell re-branding as "She'll," or Raytheon painting a rainbow flag on a drone missile aimed at a Yemeni wedding.

So as *Doughboys* salutes the workers of McDonald's and the menu items their labor prepares, the current health crisis once again shows the necessity of health care for all and for fair pay and unionization for food service and agriculture employees, whose "unskilled" labor has proven to be among the most essential in our entire economy.

And despite the all-encompassing global plague that occupies our every waking moment, the **Tournament of Chompions** spirals into madness toward its inevitable conclusion, as 64 Sesame Seeds of McDonald's menu items has been narrowed to a Final Fourk of combatants, plus one returning item from Fat Chance Kitchen!

So, which McDonald's fast-food stuff will prove itself to be the pride of Mayor McCheese's domain and take home the most prestigious award in chain restaurant podcasting, The Dave Thomas Cup?!

(And speaking of Dave Thomas, 133,000 Wendy's workers do not receive paid sick leave. So FUCK WENDY'S!)

This week on *Doughboys*, the Final Fourk and Chompionship of **Munch Madness: The Tournament of Chompions: Mac Attack**!

## Mac Attack Rules

This year's Tournament is a giant bracket of items from the menu at McDonald's.

These are this year's rules:

1. Everyone is here! Sides do not stay on the sidelines, drinks are not in Gatorade jugs on the sidelines.
2. Breakfast items must be available all day.
3. If it's seasonal, it's reasonable, but it has to be available right now. (That is, Shamrock Shake is included, but the McRib is not.) (However, if the McRib or any new item returns to the menu, adjustments can be made.)
4. Dips get the slip. You can use them, but are not part of the evaluation.

## *Doughcenter* Recap

Oh boy. It's me again, Carl Tart. I'm live in the *Doughcenter* with another Munch Madness Recap.

On the last *Doughboys Double* before the Munch Madness Finale, Claudia O'Doherty joined remotely for this year's Fat Chance Kitchen.

Mitch's slow internet was a major disruption, making it difficult for him to chime in, but the team soldiered on. Commissioner Susser declared the new Little Mac and the Double Mac satisfied the controversial "if it's seasonable, it's reasonable" rule. So they entered a fatal forkway vs. Mitch and Wiger's resurrected menu items. Mitch resurrected the Big Mac and Wiger resurrected Hash Browns.

Little Mac was quickly eliminated and came down to Hash Browns and Double Mac. And in the end, Hash Browns was the winner, setting us up for the potato showdown with Fries that we all dreamed about.

Alright! That's it for Carl Tart in the *Doughcenter*. I'm now going live on my own time in my own *Doughcenter* and all I can say is "zip it right, zip it left, all this eating will make you run out of breath." And I've been saying that for years and years. If you know, you know. Goodbye, everybody!

## Mac Attack: Eat-In Match

As Carl so eloquently explained, this initial Potato Showdown is between Hash Browns and Fries, with the winner joining the Final Fourk. It's a classic match-up between a golden oval and golden lines.

Fries dominate and stay in its earned spot in the Final Fourk.

 Mike Mitchell
 Paul Rust
 Michael Cassady

## Mac Attack: Final Fourk

The two Semisoft Final match-ups of the **Mac Attack: Final Fourk** are

* 4 Sausage, Egg, and Cheese McGriddles vs. 1 Fries
* 1 Coke vs. 9 Double Cheeseburger

First up, the McGriddles vs. Fries:

 Mike Mitchell
 Paul Rust
 Michael Cassady

Fries wins! It advances to the Finals!

The Doughboys next decide between a McDonald's Coke and a Double Cheeseburger:

 Mike Mitchell
 Paul Rust
 Michael Cassady
 Evan Susser
 Grimace
 Mayor McCheese
 Ronald McDonald

Ronald McDonald's vote doesn't count, as he is a clown, so Double Cheeseburger pulls the upset and advances to the Chompionship!

## Mac Attack: Chompionship

The Final match-up of **Mac Attack** is 1 Fries vs. 9 Double Cheeseburger.

The winning item will be taken back in time by the Burger King and given to Harriet Tubman who gives it to Morgan Spurlock, who makes a pro-McDonald's documentary that eradicates Coronavirus and shrinks him down to size.

 Mike Mitchell
 Paul Rust
 Michael Cassady

Congratulations to McDonald's Fries!! They win this year's Dave Thomas Cup!

## Heart of a Chompion

Throughout the episode and month, The Doughboys nominated a number of candidates for this year's Heart of a Chompion award: Tom Brady, Hash Browns, Hot Fudge Sundae, McDonald's Coffee, Dick & Mac McDonald, Ray Kroc, McDonald's American Cheese, the apocalyptic McDonald's near the UCB-Sunset Theatre, Ronald McDonald, Grimace, Happy Meals, Harris Wittels' Two Cheeseburger Meal, and Armen Weitzman.

In a thrilling vote, Grimace is declared the winner.

## Quotes

**Mitch**: You go down to McDonald's and get a fresh, hot loaf of McGriddles and bring it home? Like a farmer's market!

## The Feedbag

I have a lot of stories about my family's McDonald's, but my one favorite is that my Grandma helped develop the McRib, but never once ate one, nor would she let us grandkids eat them. My Grandma once took a bite of one once for a commercial and immediately spit it out. You draw your own conclusions there.
After Papa died, we ended up with a lot of cool McDonald's paraphernalia around the house. My favorite is a gold cygnet ring with the Golden Arches and a diamond set in the center that McDonald's gave Papa for 20 years in the biz. My dad wears it every day.
My question is: if you could have any fancy bling from a favorite chain restaurant, what would it be?

## Related Episodes

* 241. Round of 64
* DD. Round of 32 (Part 1)
* 242. Round of 32 (Part 2)
* DD. Eat 16
* 243. Elite 8
* DD. Fat Chance Kitchen
* 244. **Finale**
* 66. Doughlympics: Coffee Division
* 89. Mac To-Fight
* 91. Chicken Fight: Small Pieces
* 95. Chicken Fight: Semisoft Finals
* DD4. Chicken Fight: Fat Chance Kitchen Finals
* 100. Nugget Power Hour
* DD26. Malcolm McDonald's
* 119. KFC (The Leftovers)
* 148. Coco's (Quiz)
* DD. Ba Da Ba Ba Bah
* 161. IHOb
* 164. Panera Bread (Drank or Stank)
* DD. Irish Whiskey and American McRibs
* 184. McDonald's (breakfast)
* 192. Native Foods (Breaking Chews)
* DD. From Sea to Shining McD
* DD. Mac Attack: Supersize Tuesday
* 241. Mac Attack: Round of 64
* DD. Mac Attack: Round of 32 (Part 1)
* 242. Mac Attack: Round of 32 (Part 2)
* DD. Mac Attack: Eat 16
* 243. Mac Attack: Elite 8
* DD. Mac Attack: Fat Chance Kitchen
* 244. **Mac Attack: Finale**
* DD. Pie Noon: Shake-Off and Bake-Off
* DD. Pie Noon: Shaken, Not Stirred Region
* THON21. Doughathon
* DD. The Band of Tomorrow
* 329. McPlant
* DD. Red, White, and Purple

* 97. Chicken Fight: Finals
* 100. Nugget Power Hour
* DD42. A Very Doughboys Christmas
* 181. Dairy Queen
* DD. Wiger Alone
* DD. Xi'an Famous Foods
* 228. White Castle
* DD. Garfield's Thanksgiving
* DD. It's A Wigerful Life
* 244. **Mac Attack: Finals**
* 278. Burger King 4
* DD. A Garfield Christmas Special
* DD. Wige Hard
* THON21. Doughathon 2021
* DD. Hey Spooky Buddies
* DD. The Mitchy Clause
* 343. Hero's Journey: Sub-Optimal: Finale
* DD. Garfield's Halloween Adventure
* DD. Gorko's Planet Clergmas Spectacular
* 382. Jack in the Box 2
* 421. Boo's Philly Cheesesteaks
* DD16. Zingin' and Jinglin'
* 146. The Slice is Right: Semifinals Round 2
* 181. Dairy Queen
* DD. The Doughboys Christmas Singalong!
* 244. **Mac Attack: Finals**
* 278. Burger King 4
* THON21. Doughathon
* 343. Hero's Journey: Sub-Optimal: Finale
* 382. Jack in the Box 2
* 421. Boo's Philly Cheesesteaks
* 145. The Slice Is Right: Semifinals 1
* 203. Waffle House
* 204. Hattie B's
* 219. Ben's Chili Bowl
* 220. CAVA
* DD. Wawa
* 222. Rita's Italian Ice
* 235. Culver's
* DD. National Coney Island
* 236. Swensons
* 242. Mac Attack: Round of 32 (part 1)
* 243. Mac Attack: Elite Ate
* 244. **Mac Attack: Finals**
* DD. Wige Hard
* 292. Pie Noon: Semisoft Finals
* THON21: Doughathon 2021
* 302. Taco Bell 5
* DD. The Mitchy Clause
* 341. Hero's Journey: Sub-Optimal: Semisoft Finals
* 350. D'Angelo
* 351. Kelly's Roast Beef
* 352. Bertucci's
* DD. Gorko's Planet Clergmas Spectacular
* 406. Taco John's
* 409. Do-Rite Donuts