recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
God, Where Are You? (GAM294)

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***God, Where Are You?*** is the story of

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because real jobs make you brush your hair.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you’ve ever had a Christian try to sit you down and set you straight once and for all but you were disappointed that three-quarters of the way through the conversation they didn’t descend into oblique, Lovecraftian madness, you will love this movie.

### **Best Worst**

Thomas: person who thinks there’s no god/conversational non-sequitors

Noah: aggressive soundtrack

Eli: don’t you see? Why bad things happen to good people

### **Notes**

* + Check out Thomas on *Opening Arguments*, *Serious Inquiries Only*, and *Philosophers in Space*.
* Originally filmed as *The Diner" during the first two weeks of February 2014 in Lake County, Florida. It has a music video (see the making of here.*

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb
American Underdog (GAM336)

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

***American Underdog*** is *not* the story of one of the greatest moments in football history—it's the story of really boring stuff with Kurt Warner that was kind of adjacent to that amazing moment.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because compared to this, the screaming lambs are downright pleasant.

### **How Bad Was It?**

I think it was fucking great and you guys are wrong. No, it's cheesy as hell. [Thomas.]

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …dudebros in my theater that were huge Kurt Warner fans. [Was one of them Thomas?]
* Noah: ...yada yada yada. [Real NFL things cost too much.]
* Thomas: ...evangelising. [Careful calculation of the amount of Christianity permissible in a real movie.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Thomas on *Opening Arguments*, *Serious Inquiries Only*, and *Philosophers in Space*.
* Watched in-theater.

### **Interstitials**

* Kurt Warner & Lawyer vs. Writers (10:26)
* Kurt Warner Applies to Stock Shelves (45:40)
* Kurt Warner Give a Eulogy (1:20:20)

### **Tropes**

* Awkward Kiss
* Bad Sporting
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* Go Fuck Yourself!
* Nothing Happens
* SEXISM!
* This is YOUR Movie!

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Colin Kaepernick was raised Methodist and has a really interesting story, so looking forward to a Christian movie about him really soon.
* Noah: Jesus went on to like Kurt Warner significantly less for the rest of his career.
* Thomas: God went on to let rapist Ben Roethlisberger win Super Bowl 43, against Kurt Warner—in what would have been an even more amazing story than this movie—thus demonstrating that he either doesn't fucking exist, or likes rapists better than Kurt Warner.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* FitBod: Better than a Yelling WiFi Mirror(1:48:09)
* Thergun: Heath Antagonizing Chipmunks (1:50:01)
* Better Help: Still Antagonizing Chipmunks (1:51:50)
Born into Mafia (GAM415)

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Born into Mafia*** is the story of a man who was born into a mafia. Directly rom the film's website: "Vitaliy Versace plays the Russian mafia son, Ivan, runs to America to escape the organized crime curse and start a new life."

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you loved *The Last Vampire*, but the white hot acting talent of its stars left you *unsure* of what the stars were thinking and feeling, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Cara: …Russian. [Raised in Cleveland, Ohio.]
* Heath: …profile pic. [Vitale Versace holding an Emmy.]
* Eli: …thought bubbles. [An innovative technique.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Cara's new book (co-edited with Dr. Stephen Hupp) *Pseudoscience in Therapy: A Skeptical Field Guide*, available via Eli's helpful link, CaraDid911.com. Also check out her website, Twitter, *Talk Nerdy*, *The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe*, *Fixed That for You*, and (again thanks to Eli) iLoveSkinBooks.com and DoctorCaraSantaMaria.com.

### **Jokes**

* [Eli: "When I was picturing shoving this dude's *schlong* into my two-by-four, I made sure to use the correct language: unhoused."] [Heath: Unhoused.] [Eli: I *did*. I wrote "Dang, unhoused Russian dude is hot!"] [Heath: Okay.] [Cara: He's hot! You guys, go back. Go back, you'll see.] [Heath: Interesting.] [Eli: "I'd like to support him with *my". social safety net, if you know what I mean."] [Cara: "I'd give him more than a dollar, if you know what I mean." I literally wrote that. Oh my God!] [Heath: Okay. Cara* did *write that. I just noticed that.] [Eli: Yeah, you belong on our show, Cara.]*

### **Interstitials**

* First Writers' Meeting (6:52)
* The Black Mamba (36:46)
* Comic Book Thought Bubbles (1:08:33)
* Many Outtakes (1:41:31) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Alcohol=Bad Guy
* Bad Christian Space Work
* Boss in a Bit Part
* Cancer Wife/God Killed My Mom/Evil Stole My Faith
* Kitchen Table
* Who's That Girl?

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Cara: Eli Versace—I mean Bosnick—tracked down those dog tags IRL to give to his wife. She was not pleased.
* Heath: Vitale Versace (who held an Emmy once) made a *sequel* to this movie—it already exists. It's called *Born into Mafia 2*.
* Eli: Cara was too slow, and now Eli owns DoctorCaraSantaMaria.com.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Raycon: Eli Asks Cara About Famous People Stuff (1:44:36)
Movie Episode Entry Guide

**Movie Episode Entry Guide**

## What do I write down?

The Episode entries are intended as references to the episodes, not a transcript. Do not feel compelled to write down everything in the episode. Most of the information is taken directly from the episode or from IMDB (or other source for the movie). The parts that should be transcribed accurately are

* Opening Phrase
* The Breakdown
* How Bad Was It?
* Best at Being the Worst
* Breakfast Club/Animal House Close

Everything else is a matter of judgement. Since this is a Wiki, other contributors may add or subtract items, but will have to submit changes to the administrators.

### The Jokes Section

Jokes, unless they are short or are very specific, should be summed up or titled, and if it is a running joke across episodes, note the previous appearances. If you aren't sure what counts, look at other entries to see what was included and take cues from that. If you REALLY aren't sure, ask in the Facebook group.

### The Interstitials Section

The Interstitials (also called skits) appear between acts of the episode, usually paired with an ad-read in the non-Patreon version. There are typically three interstitials per episode, but early episodes sometimes only had two. There are also "doodly-doos", identified by their intro sound effect indicating that something is being imagined. Give each one a short descriptive title, maybe using the names of characters in the skit or some critical action that takes place. Again, check other entries that have interstitials for cues.

## What should I leave out?

What gets left out is very much up to you, although when deciding on what to include and what not to include, think in terms of what a person who is not familiar with the show would find useful. Think in terms of summing up rather than transcribing (except for the sections noted).

## What about the tropes?

The list of tropes is a reference, and tropes may be added to it as the wiki develops. Tropes should be general, not specific -- they should cover several similar ideas rather than very tight, highly particular ideas. Often tropes are mentioned in the episodes, or are very obvious. When it doubt, check with the Facebook group, or just make your best guess and let the admins look it over.

## Links

Model Movie Entry

GAM Episode Google Sheet

GAMwiki Data Doc
Six: The Mark Unleashed (GAM097)

### Starring:

Steven Baldwin, David A.R. White, Kevin Downes, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Eric Roberts

### Production Company:

Majestic Productions, Signal Hill Pictures

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

### Special Guest

Michael Marshall

***Six: The Mark Unleashed*** is the story of a prison breakout drama starring Stephen Baldwin and David A.R. White.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because at a certain level of immorality even atheists have sins to atone for.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you want to see Negan get his due, and someone once described an M. Night Shyamalan twist to you, but you don't like sweary words, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Marsh: …pacing of any film I've ever seen. [Nothing happens until the last 20 minutes.]
* Eli: …torture. [Wonder Woman bracelets that simulate torture.]]

### **Notes**

* Check out Marsh on Twitter, *Be Reasonable*, *The Skeptic* (UK), and at The Good Thinking Society, or (thanks to Eli) Skeptic of the Year and MarshStoleHisVaccineFromAnOldLady.com.

### **Jokes**

* [Eli. Which he somehow didn't expect in this scene] [Noah: Yeah, right! What the hell?] [Eli: He's just rolling through these people and he's like, "Aw, you're poor and I'm not! Ooh, I want to fuck a child. Oooh, what's going—” And then they're like, "Oh, we're gonna fight you", and he's like, "Holy shit! They can *see* me?"] [Marsh: Eli! Cautionary tale. Cautionary tale, Eli. This is what happens when you go around saying you want to fuck a child. Take this to heart!] [Eli: This is why we're not allowed to be in parades.] [Marsh: This is the Ghost of Christmas Fture for you Eli. Just be aware of these things.]

### **Interstitials**

* Eternity is Boring (8:49)
* Mark Implant Sex (1:29:15)

### **Tropes**

* And Then the Apocalypse/Rapture Happens
* Atheist Converts to Christianity
* Bible Reading Montage
* Boss in a Bit Part
* Cancer Wife/God Killed My Mom/Evil Stole My Faith
* GO FUCK YOURSELF!
* Cancer Mom/
* Dollar in the Swear Jar
* Flashback to Shit We Just Watched
* Heath is Away This Week
* Heroes are Villains, Villains are Heroes
* Jingly Keys
* Kitchen Table
* Nothing Happens
* Who's That Girl?

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Noah: This movie cheated us out of watching Joe get his head cut off, and Marsh will never be okay.
* Eli: David A.R. White changed his mind about taking the whole "taking the mark thing" once the group sex started.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* Film on Tubi
* Film on Archive.org
* IMDb
Kids vs. Wizards (GAM393)

### Production Company:

Charitable Foundation for Assistance and Interaction named after St. Sergius of Radonezh

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Kids vs. Wizards*** (also known as ***Deti protiv volshebniko*** and ***Children Against the Sorcerers***) is the story of that time the Jewish-Nazi-Waarlock cartel tried to take over the world in 2004, and had to fight against a Russian spy-child who learned about Jesus anti-magic from an old Greek man who's into bestiality. [Seriously.]

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because (and I believe this was the exact justification I used when I tried to convince Eli to do this show in the first place), fuck it—it’ll probably be fun.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you loved that time you watched a puppeteer *die* halfway through his show, but you wish the message was written by a man who convinced your grandma that Hillary eats babies in a pizza place's nonexistent basement, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …animation. [This game is too advanced for your graphics card.]
* Noah: …punchy-kicky. [There are no words.]
* Eli: …religion. [In nearly 400 episodes!]

### **Notes**

* Based on the 2004 novel by "Nikos Zervas" (supposedly Archpriest Shargunov, head of the public committee "For the moral revival of the Fatherland"), *Deti protiv volshebniko*. The name of the series translates as *Science of Victory", and includes the 2007 sequels* Cadets dot RU *and* Greek Fire*.*

### **Jokes**

* [Eli: I love the Eastern Orthodox religion. Cause, you know, Catholicism, it's all been Westernized. \*in Irish accent\* "Oh, don't you know, Saint Peter went among the children, and each bunny rabbit had a *tiny* mushroom that loved its mother", and the Eastern Orthodox saints are just like, \*in Communist accent\* "This is Saint Kyotoniche. He killed and lose his skin."] [Heath: Oh, were you done?] [Eli: "This why with no eat on Thursday. We done."] [Heath: That was the story?] [Eli: "That is it—the story."] [Heath: He lost his skin and what do we do?] [Eli: "He die. We no eat!"] [Heath: Okay.]

### **Interstitials**

* New Assignment for the Ministry of Propaganda (6:28)
* Wizard School Tour (41:18)
* Seventy Day Fast (1:17:26)
* Outtakes (1:52:11) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Atheist Converts to Christianity
* Conspicuous ~~American~~ Russian Flag
* Flashback to Shit We Just Watched
* Indoctrination of Children
* Looks Like...
* Not Christian Enough
* Persecuted Christians
* Reprehensible Moral Message
* Vaguely Heard of Jesus
* Who's That Girl?

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: That Faberge egg that started World War I remains lodged in a butthole somewhere.
* Noah: All of those cadets went on to die in Ukraine.
* Eli: The incompetent people that made this movie fooled your grandma into voting for Donald Trump.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* Film in Russian on YouTube
* IMDb
Rumors of Wars (GAM267)

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

***Rumors of Wars*** is the story of the Antichrist becoming a billionaire and trying to take over the world with RFID chips, so… it's a Bill Gates biography written by Robert F. Kennedy Jr.?

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because the mad scientist got a little more cool chill as they got older.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love bad guy outfits from *Captain America*, but you hate futuristic Venmo, you will *love* this movie, guaranteed.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: ...McGuffin. [The diary just leads to the Bible.]
* Noah: ...subtitles. [Spelling aside, right justified! Fucking PureFlix.]
* Cecil: ...use of a famous actor to tell a cow story. [Ninety seconds of Eric Roberts that has nothing to do with anything.]

### **Notes**

* Check out ~~Tom and~~ Cecil on *Cognitive Dissonance* and GAM sister show *Citation Needed*
* Eli took this recording off for his birthday. Happy birthday Eli!
* While the film appears to have had a devoted website, it's not obvious that they actually ever did anything with it, apparently instead choosing to focus on a *Rumors of Wars* page on the Bearfruit Films website and the Facebook page.

### **Interstitials**

* Everything is a Meta-Reference to an Inside Bit About a Call Forward (6:27)

### **Tropes**

* And Then the Apocalypse Happens
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity [Eric Roberts]

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDB
God's Army (GAM045)

### Starring:

Matthew A. Brown, Richard Dutcher, Jacque Gray, Desean Terry, Michael Buster, Luis Robledo, Jeff Kelly, John Pentecost, Lynne Carr

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***God's Army*** is the story of a facial mole, and the human attached to it, who gets walked through The Museum of Reasons to Not Be Mormon, and is unaffected by it… at all.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because our nipples have long since calloused to the clamps.

### **How Bad Was It?**

So, here's the thing: this is a relatively well made movie; all the actors look basically at, you know, the other characters on the screen rather than directly into the camera; there's a few genuinely well-acted moments. That said, this may be one of the most *heinous* movies (when it comes to ideology) we've ever watched. I have never seen a Christian movie that so clearly was written ninety-nine percent by us, and they got to write like four lines.

### **Best Worst**

* Eli: ...presenting the other side and then knocking it down. [Eli was initially worried that this was an anti-Mormon movie.]

### **Notes**

* There are no mean things to say about Heath. Also, having missed this, the *Thief in the Night* trilogy, the Mormon musical, and *Batman v. Superman*, Heath may be the only smart one.
* This film was produced, written, and directed by Richard Dutcher, and features him as Elder Dalton. Dutcher left the Mormon church in 2007, which may have something to do with this seeming like an anti-Mormon movie until almost the end. The novelization was written by the son of author Orson Scott Card, Geoffrey Card.

### **Jokes**

* [Eli: We should start just annotating boring surgeries with things we pretend are magic. Scalpel: "Oo, the scalpel of Oman Ra!" \*sound effect\* \*sound effect\* "Uh oh doc, looks like he's losing a lot of blood." "No he's not, he's totally fine." "Better use our woona-woon!" \*sound effect\* "Wonder Twins activate!" Just me and Heath doing little rain dances around an operating room. "Can we make them leave?" " I don't know. It's something about a *Patreon* goal? They promised they'd do it.] [Noah: extended laughter]
* (13:50)
* (39:20)
* (1:34:00)

### **Interstitials**

* Patreon Ad/Reminder feat. *Matrix: Revolutions* (5:33)
* Please Don't Kill Me! I'll Suck Your Dick! (1:24:00)
* See, This is Why I'm Leaving (1:25:12)

### **Tropes**

* Addicted to Porn
* Atheist Writer in the Room
* Bible Reading Montage
* Boss in a Bit Part
* BRIAN! (Fuck You!)
* Crazy Billionaire Money
* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Crazy Billionaire Money
* Deathbed Proselytising
* Giving Someone a Book/Reading Montage
* Heroes are Villains, Villains are Heroes
* HOMOPHOBIA!
* Indoctrination of Children
* Jingly Keys!
* Looks Like…
* Minority Best Friend
* Neglectful/Godless /Abusive Parent
* Not Christian Enough
* RACISM!
* Reprehensible Moral Message
* SEXISM!
* Take Your Damn Medicine
* The Eli Bosnick Story

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube [The one with Spanish subtitles)
* IMDb
Fire by Nite (Episode 1) - "Peer Pressure" (GAM221)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Fire by Nite*** **(Episode 1) - "Peer Pressure"** is the 1986 pilot of a direct rip off of Saturday Night Live, but for Christian people. So, it's a terrible monologue by a non-comedian, a bunch of uninspired sketch comedy, and a musical guest, and Christians took that model and made it *so* much worse with this one. They added a sitcom in there—there's a sitcom *in* the sketch comedy show—there's a… I think a podcast interview? Somebody's first podcast interview is in there, in the format. It's pretty amazing.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because other jobs make us wear pants.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love youth group, but your pastor actually had the courage to end it all and it was a real bummer for everybody, you will *love* this movie. It's *Saturday Night Live in the Path of the Lord*.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: ...YouTube pity recommendations.
* Noah: ...studio audience.
* Eli: …"What's Hot."

### **Notes**

* Check out Modest Needs, with "Vulgarity for Charity" donations matched up to a total of $100,000 (at which point Noah and Lucinda will quit smoking).
* The rest of the series was *not* lost in the mists of time, and most of its nearly ten year run is still available, including the GAM reviewed third episode, "Rebellion."

### **Jokes**

* "Okay, now look, I'm sure that the people who made this would tell you there was no studio audience and they were just on a soundstage somewhere, but my theory… is that there *was*. Right? It makes it so much more fun to watch if you just imagine that there was an audience sitting there in stony silence the entire time. It's not outside the realm of possibility." (6:05)
* Okay, I have a theory that someone was like—they just kept pitching their "I need to call the Cowboys pussies" lines into every sketch, and they were like "You know what? We'll put it at the beginning of a scene of *Family First*, are you happy?" 'Cause he does like a six minute Nicky Silver-esque monologue about how much he hates the Cowboys, and then the entire show restarts like an old lawnmower." (1:07:15)

### **Interstitials**

* The very first writing session for *Fire by Nite* (7:34)
* America's favorite sitcom, *The Christians* (1:05:45)

### **Tropes**

* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Indoctrination of Children

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Film on YouTube
* IMDB
Buying Time (GAM345)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Buying Time*** is the story of street racing fast cars and proving Christianity at the same time. Yeah, it's *The Fast and the Spurious*.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because nobody will pay me to pet my cats.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love when cars go vroom, but Jesus makes your heart go boom, then you will love this moo… vie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …involuntary actor. [That kid may have actually been abducted for the first half.]
* Noah: ...random Republican Applause points. [Apropos of nothing…]
* Eli: ...space work. [A very high bar for a Christian movie.]

### **Notes**

* This film recycles the footage from the short film *Lay It Down* (2001), adding the framing story of the tangentially related parents and their son.

### **Jokes**

* [Noah: He says "Let me, let me, explain this to some—if you had everything that you ever wanted, would it be enough?"] [Heah: That would be great. That would be perfect. Like, literally…] [Noah: Yes! Right.] [Eli: Yes! Oh my God, that line was so good.] [Noah: Right? And then the kid is just going like, "Well, I mean, if, if one of the things I wanted was enough, then yes, by definition that would be included in the things."] [Heah: And Dad's like, "Okay, my amazing verbal trap didn't really work there. Shhh… Uh, back to the story! I was doing like, car… donuts, or something.]

### **Interstitials**

* What's Popular? (4:45)
* No Swearing Smack Talk (26:11)
* Parents Having Sex (1:03:09)
* Spiders/Serial Killers (1:34:55) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Atheist Converts to Christianity
* Bad Christian Space Work
* Bad Sportsing/Sportsing
* Crazy Billionaire Money
* Deathbed Conversion
* Deathbed Proselytising
* Dollar in the Swear Jar
* Flashback to Shit We Just Watched
* Kitchen Table
* Not Christian Enough
* Persecuted Christians
* Problem of Evil
* The Most Advanced C64 Ever!

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Vin Diesel went on to walk Paul Walker's daughter down the aisle at her wedding,because God killed her dad for being Mormon
* Noah: Gus turned out to be a child molester. Just like, statistically speaking.
* Eli: D-Money turned his life over to Buddha. Now he's just D.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* *Lay It Down* on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* God Awful Movies Live: Insulting Canadians (1:37:38)
* Trade Coffee: Elderly Coffee Beans (1:39:10)
Petey Wheatstraw (GAM272)

### Starring:

Rudy Ray Moore, Jimmy Lynch, Leroy Daniels, Ernest Mayhand, Ebony Wright, Wildman Steve, G. Tito Shaw

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

### Special Guest

Andrew Torrez

***Petey Wheatstraw*** is the story of the cutthroat murderous world of stand-up comedy, and the innocent victims that die and/or have to fuck Satan's daughter in the crossfire.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because Eli tricked me.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you miss the halcyon days of *SNL* sketches being turned into movies, but they were just way too classy for you—way too fleshed out—you will *love* this movie. It is fair to say that *Petey Wheatstraw* does not rise to the level of the Blaxploitation genre.

### **Best Worst**

* Andrew: ...hey, maybe I shouldn't have joked—that was a *joke*—about how great next week's guest was going to get it on next week's episode. [You live, you learn.]
* Noah: ...poop jokes. [A creator of poop jokes can look at these poop jokes and go "Alright, that's some low brow shit."]
* Eli: ...tonal shift. [Get off and get gas at Tragedy and then get right back on the highway to Comedy.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Andrew on *Opening Arguments* and the previous episode of GAM.
* Included on DVD as part of the *Dolemite Collection* (2002), and remastered on DVD/Blu-Ray in 2016 from Vinegar Syndrome.

### **Jokes**

* (33:35)
* (45:15)

### **Interstitials**

* Pitch Meeting with Dolemite (5:09)
* Story Meeting with Dolemite (31:13)
* Satan's Daughter to Wed Dolemite (58:30

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Trailer on YouTube (Free on Tubi)
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Mint Mobile: Cleaning Up After Eli (1:27:21)
* Raycon: Eli Suing Noah (1:29:04)
Bless the Child (GAM323)

### Starring:

Kim Basinger, Holliston Coleman, Angela Bettis, Jimmy Schmitts, Christina Ricci, Rufus Swewell, Ian Holm

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

### Special Guest

Cara Santa Maria

***Bless the Child*** is the story of a little girl who is chosen, or… maybe she is Jesus, or the ringleader of a monkey-bat/rat army… I'm still a little unclear on the details.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because it makes regular movies good even if they suck.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you loved the Satanic Panic, but it was all too reasonable and evidence based for your tastes, you will *love* this movie. It's *Law and Order: I Think You Did It*.

### **Best Worst**

* Cara: ...cop. [His most valuable tool is his Bible.]
* Noah: …superpower. [Second worst Avenger after Haweye.]
* Eli: ...deus ex machina. [The group project of miracles.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Cara on her website, Twitter, *Talk Nerdy*, *The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe*, *Fixed That for You*, and (thanks to Eli) iloveskinbooks.com.
* Halloween Spook-tacular! Sadly, there's only one this year.
* For some reason, the actor playing Cody—Holliston Coleman—doesn't get named on the poster, despite standing in the middle of it.

### **Jokes**

* (1:44:15)
* (8:14)

### **Interstitials**

* Cara Helps the Hollywood Writer Guys (4:48)
* Job Assignment with Satan and Minions (43:93)
* Divine Intervention in Mysterious Ways Only (1:19:28)
* Eli Forgets Four (1:54:00) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Atheist Converts to Christianity
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* Indoctrination of Children
* Neglectful/Godless /Abusive Parent
* Problem of Evil
* Secret Jesus

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Cara: Cody grew up to be the star of TBN's highest grossing show ever, *I'm Sort of Like a Jesusy-Angely-Prophety-type Magician: Give Me All Your Money*.
* Noah: Cody also went on to be executed for the sins of mankind… is kind of the implication, of the movie.
* Eli: Christians think this movie is a biopic of Madison Cawthorne.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Fitbod: Not the Special Famous Person Exercise to Get Ripped (1:54:15)
* Prisoner Wine: Not Prison Wine (1:56:01)
* Adam and Eve: Eli is an Ethical Vegan, and Gross [CODE: AWFUL] (1:58:05)
Rigged (GAM350)

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Rigged: The Zuckerberg Funded Plot to Defeat Donald Trump*** is the story of how we need to get money out of politics, made by Citizens United.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because the ancient prophecy was *weirdly* specific.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if your last excuse about your dog eating your homework *turned* out to be a federal crime, and you're hoping you can *scraaape* those goalposts back another fifty yards or so without anyone noticing, you will *love* this movie.

=== **How Convincing Was It?**
As I was watching, I was like "You know what, Maggie? You're a pretty, like, gullible person, so like, you know, just like see if I was not myself, would I be swayed by this?" And actually, there were points where I was like "Yeah, if I didn't know anything, *maybe* this would sway me." But… and then three sentences later it would ruin any progress that it had made.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …pop scares. [Obvious and completely benign, with a pop scare noise.]
* Noah: …own goal celebrations. [Taking a victory lap after defeating their own point.]
* Eli: …scripted Donald Trump lobs. [*Star Wars* level editing.]
* Maggie: …video essay. [Here's just an idea. What if?]

### **Notes**

* Check Maggie Mae on Twitter and YouTube.
* "I love *Gone with the Wind*, I loved *Titanic*, but *Rigged* is now my favorite movie!" -Donald J. Trump

### **Interstitials**

* Maytreon: Become a Patron or Maggie will Kill Her Cats (7:23)
* Tall Tyler and Donald Trump (32:41)
* Maggie Gives Citizen United Script Notes (1:01:34)
* Eli Cheats/Maggie is Confused by Nine Level of Inside Jokes (1:30:43)

### **Tropes**

* Republicans Don't Know How the World Works
* Looks Like…
* This is YOUR Movie!

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, Donald Trump lost at Wordle today.
* Noah: Donald Trump would go on to die mad about it.
* Eli: In 2024, Citizens United would release a film about how Donald Trump only lost because more people voted for his opponent, titled *Yes*.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on Archive.org
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Better Help: Eli *is* Stress (1:31:27)
* Masterclass: Eli Doesn't Know What Economics Is (1:32:50)
The 6th Day (GAM342)

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***The 6th Day*** is a story about cloning and about how, like, if you multiply a stale actor times two it will somehow make a full actor, but it doesn't.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we watch another terrible movie, so you don't have to.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you loved *Total Recall*, but the plot was *way* too sensical and streamlined for you, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Thomas: …rule of cool. [Remote control helicopter-plane.]
* Heath: …go fuck yourself. [PG-13 "screw yourself" callback.]
* Heath: …my notes are just naming what happens in the movie. [This episode is just *The Chris Farley Show*.]
* Eli: …practical special effect. [Halloween costume level effects, with screaming.]

### **Notes**

* Noah was away with Lucinda at FreeFlo 2022, where he gave the presentation "God Awful Movies: The Past, Present, and Future of Christian Cinema" on Sunday (7 March 2022).
* Eli claimed that this movie had demons, and so absolutely qualified for the main feed of GAM. He was kind of right, so please purchase SimPal Cindy so that Eli can prank Thomas.

### **Interstitials**

* Patreon Secular Bonus Episodes (7:21)
* Way Too Knowledgeable About SimPal Sally (49:45)
* ReWife™ (1:22:29)

### **Tropes**

* Heroes are Villains, Villains are Heroes

### **Animal House Close**

* Thomas: Shortly after this movie, we made Arnold the governor of our state, for some reason.
* Heath: To everyone who hated cloning: don't worry, we're not going to clone you.
* Eli: Eli found a reproduction of SimGirl Sally during this record, and hid it in Thomas bed during Maytreon.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Better Help: Cloned Heath Always Ends in Smooching (1:50:49)
* Master Class: Passive Aggressive Gifting (1:52:27)
Held for Ransom (GAM080)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Held for Ransom*** (not to be confused with the films of the same name from 1938, 2000, or 2019) is the story of how God had a lady kidnapped and held hostage until she asked him to stop. But *did* he stop, thus proving he's real? We're not going to tell you yet.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because that's what we get for not putting the lotion in the basket.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love kidnapping movies, you will *hate* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …I couldn't see the movie. [Ten minutes is not literal darkness.]
* Eli: …kidnappers. [Somehow not a farce.]
* Noah: …divine intervention. [Power to be good at being held hostage.]
* Noah: …looking people. [Even for the seventies.]

### **Notes**

* This was one of the few Patreon episodes released extremely late (almost or actually the same day as the regular episode, depending on time zone), clarifying on Patreon "Sorry about the late drop this week. Heath was kidnapped."
* The film was based on the 15 March 1974 kidnapping detailed in the book *Held for Ransom: The Kronholm Kidnapping'* (1975) by Ruth Peterman from Tyndale House Publisher, Inc. Eunice Kronholm died on 27 September 2020, at the age of 93. Strangely, while one of the two men arrested agreed to testify against the other, the second defendant was acquitted by the jury.

### **Jokes**

* [Noah: \*in a woman's voice\* "Jared's dad was *abusive*, he's from the *South*. He likes long walks on the beach."] [Eli: \*in a woman's voice\* "Went through it—youngest of seven children. He used to get shrimp right out of the Gulf."] [Heath: I was—I was just picturing this guy as a kid eating, like, alive lobster like an apple, a huge smile bleeding everywhere.] [Eli: "Oh, Jerry. Jerry, go into kidnapping son." "You got it Pa! Tastes like pennies."]

### **Interstitials**

* Movie Writer Meets with Eunice Kronholm (6:48) [ft. Lucinda Lugeons]
* Practicing a Ransom Call (53:38)
* Outtakes (1:22:04) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Coincidence Treated like a Miracle
* Looks Like…
* Nothing Happens

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: God… doesn't exist.
* Noah:: Eli took a disturbing amount of logistical notes during this one.
* Eli: Bill and Jerry went on to use their kidnapping skills to found *Patreon.com*

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on Creationism.org
* Film on YouTube
* Film on Tubi
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Apron: The Only Nice Place to Eat in Town (1:22:26)
* GAM Patreon: *Super Mario Bros.* Review (Standard Episode)
The Favorite (GAM327)

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

***The Favorite*** (not to be confused with the 2018 film, *The Favourite*) is the story of a guy who had a traumatic brain injury from a car accident and wrote a movie about it… *way* too soon, all by himself.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because it's *all* part of the plan.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love a good redemption story about the perils of toxic masculinity, but you find yourself rooting for the toxic masculinity, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …actor and character names. [Matt Fehey plays "Luke Bernard", and Luke Benjamin Bernard plays "Ben Bernard."]
* Noah: ...violence. [A movie about MMA fighting is scared to actually show violence.]
* Marsh: …improv. [Other actors riff, but Luke Benjamin Bernard gives them nothing.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Marsh on Twitter, *Be Reasonable*, *Skeptics with a K*, *The Skeptic* (UK), and at The Good Thinking Society, or (thanks to Eli) Skeptic of the Year and MarshStoleHisVaccineFromAnOldLady.com.
* While the movie came out in 2019, the website announcing the movie has been up since at least 2014, and filming was completed in 2017. There was a private fundraising campaign, and a song contest to get a song into the movie! The poster featured here was announced as the official poster on 9 October 2017.
* On PureFlix, this PG-13 rated film is "modified for family viewing."

### **Interstitials**

* Vulgarity for Charity Update (6:18)
* Writers Meeting for One (7:17)
* Ben vs. a Senior Citizens' Pilates Class (42:57)
* I Should '*Not* Forgive You (1:16:18)
* Never Forget… Leg Day/Four Count/Black Pudding (1:55:53) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Alcohol=Bad Guy
* Bad Sportsing/Sportsing
* Boss in a Bit Part
* Coincidence Treated like a Miracle
* Disappointing Christian "Celebrity" [John Schneider]
* Heroes are Villains, Villains are Heroes
* Homophobia!
* Looks Like…
* Name That Movie!
* Neglectful/Godless /Abusive Parent
* Who's That Girl?

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Princess Diana's family didn't pray enough. Neither did Vin Diesel. Family.
* Noah: Ben went on to have seen murdered somebody and ruined his brother's life.
* Marsh: Luke Benjamin Bernard went on to release a 9/11 commemorative workout regime.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* YouTube Channel
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Raycon: Being Mean to Absent Eli (1:57:40)
* Magic Spoon: [Code: GAM] Twigs n' Brambles vs. Lumpy Grey Paste (1:59:27)
Fall of Man, The

X-Class Solar Flare, Extinction Level Event (ELE)

The civilizations that Man had erected were bound to fall, if not from the lack of PROTOCOL, then from the effects of natural elements over time. Humans by nature were an unstructured species, clinging to remnants of traditions and outmoded laws in an ever-evolving landscape of mixing cultures. The inevitability of the Fall was known before it took place, and when it did, it was total.

What began with an X-Class solar flare from the Earth's central star Sol devolved into pure environmental chaos. Together with an excess of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, the solar flare cataloged as "Godsend" set in motion a series of events that would undermine the entire human endeavor.

Even before the ill-conceived nuclear reactors flooded the oceans, they had been acidified and hunted to extinction. The atmosphere itself had become toxic, the forests leveled, the mountains mined, the glaciers melted. Humans were indeed a virus, plagued by conceit and a false sense of dominion.

Like the forests they destroyed, humans themselves were destroyed by the chaos they had produced. Without electricity or means for production or agriculture, a great deal of lives were lost and forgotten. The closest estimates that can be formulated put human casualties between 6 and 7 billion.

Those that were left soon found one another and began to rebuild in spite of the harsh conditions they had produced. All around them, nature proved to be as barren as their hope, though they persevered nonetheless. Under a hotter sun, dependent on stagnant nutrition resources, and cooked by radiation, Dominion City began humbly and progressed slowly. The Fall of Man, though very unfortunate, became the impetus for what was to come.

As humans do, they overcame this challenge, and when it was time they entrusted their fate to The Dominion Corporation.
Courageous (GAM307)

Eli Bosnick

***Courageous*** is the story of a bunch of perfectly standard Christian fathers who decide to *ensure* that their kids' religious trauma syndrome is *severe* by becoming insanely intense Christian fathers, and… some of them are cops, I guess.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because diapers are expensive and I have a baby.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you liked *Training Day*, but you hated having to wade through all that annoying cop stuff just to get to the heartfelt message about family life, you will *love* this movie. It's *All Cops Aren't Bastards*, the movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Frank: ...parental advice. [Daughters are your property.]
* Dan: ...solo dance scene. [Look at me, Daddy!]
* Eli: ...IMDb trivia. [By a teenage fan.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Frank and Dan on *Thank God I'm Atheist* (celebrating its 500th episode), Facebook, and Twitter.
* In addition to the film's website, there was also an official *Courageous Resources* page, which linked to The Resolution prints, Bible study, self help" materials (such as *The Resolution for Men*™ and *The Resolution for Women*™), branded apparel, the soundtrack, a novelization, an audiobook, and so on. The Kendrick brothers still provide a *Courageous* study guide and most of the other materials.

### **Interstitials**

* The Next Big Kendrick Brothers Hit Movie (7:24)
* Very Real, Very Accurate Gang of Drug Dealers (47:09)
* The Five Count/Eli in Seattle (1:51:16) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Bible Reading Montage
* Black Person is a Drug Dealer/Criminal
* Boss in a Bit Part
* Looks Like…
* Minority Best Friend
* Neglectful/Godless /Abusive Parent
* Problem of Evil
* RACISM!
* SEXISM!

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Hello Tushy : Eli's Florida Swamp Ass (1:52:56)
* Hello Fresh: [CODE: AWFUL14] Cooking an Occasional Fucking Meal (1:54:56)
* Cuts Clothing: Better Than Heath and Noah's Clothes (1:56:59)
Spirit Halloween:The Movie

Spirit Halloween the movie was Release on October 11

Plot

it’s about three kids spend Halloween inside a Halloween store called Spirit Halloween where a evil spirit possesses One of the props To kill them but they protect themselves

**Why it sucks**

**The movie felt like it was being rushed**

there was trading cards of the props into real monsters but sadly there were not real monsters just suit actors Due of it being low budget

The acting is terrible for the main heroes

The editing is really bad

The big sister acts like a total spoiled brat and adds nothing to the story at all

no iphones in the movie just weak old phones which is very disappointing

The animatronics only spend a little bit time on screen which is very disappointing to

The backstory of the villain it’s not really important it was like a waste of time of the movie

The name Spirit Halloween where never mention by The characters
The Encounter (GAM073)

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***The Encounter*** is the story of five strangers who accidentally end up at Jesus' dinner-theatre magic show.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because we don't want easy answers to the "What do you do for a living?" question.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you like the Sartre play *No Exit*, but you thought what it really needed was a non-subtle Jesus saying he loves you or you should die, you will *love* this movie. And for wrestling fans, it's Sting/Hogan *Starccade '97*, but without the awesome buildup first.

### **Best Worst**

* Marissa: …scene blocking. [Jesus filmed separately.]
* Marissa: …use of genocide to show that "God is love." [Watch the movie.]
* Eli: …murdery dialogue. [A horror movie without the murders.]
* Eli: …magic act. [Ripping off Eli's act.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Marissa at on the podcasts *Inciting Incident*, *But I Heard About It*, and The Cis are Getting Out of Hand!*, as well as at the Center for Inquiry and on Instagram. Her books are available on* Amazon*.*
* This film is followed by *The Encounter 2: Paradise Lost*, as well as *The Encounter: The Series*.
* Bruce Marciano had previously played Jesus in *The Visual Bible: Mathew* (1993), *The Visual Bible: Acts* (1994), *Jesus the Christ* (2002), and *Road to Emmaus* (2010).

### **Jokes**

* [Marissa: She speaks like someone who was written by someone who has never spoken to a woman. It's the types who have only heard a woman's voice by talking to another man using a falsetto imitating the dialogue. It's like, "Oh Jeez, then maybe we should get some free salad!" "Whatever bitch. I'm moving on."] [Noah: Yeah, I was expecting at any point for her to say "I have a vagina!"] [Eli: At any point her dialogue could have been "And then *she's* all—wait no, I'm not supposed to say that."] [Marissa: "I'm like *so* on my period right now guys. Jesus!"]

### **Interstitials**

* Did You Cum in This Water? (9:02)
* Oh, You're a Magician/Mentalist (1:12:30)

### **Tropes**

* Atheist Converts to Christianity
* Bad Christian Space Work
* Cancer Wife/God Killed My Mom/Evil Stole My Faith
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* Heath is Away This Week
* Kitchen Table
* Looks Like…
* Reprehensible Moral Message
* Secret Jesus
* The Eli Bosnick Story

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Noah: Kayla went home, where she was raped to death by her stepdad.
* Eli: The schizophrenic hobo who owned that diner killed Sting for not believing he was Jesus.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb
The Burning Hell (GAM088)

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***The Burning Hell*** is the story… it's about this guy… Estus… \*sigh\* Eli, how bad was this movie?

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because somehow no one had yet filled that niche.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love the movie *Freaks*, you're super into poop and maggots, and you'd like to spend fifty-seven minutes being intimidated by Orville Reddenbacker, you will *love* this movie. This is like being prosthelytized to by someone who's teeth are slowly falling out, or everywhere in Hickory, North Carolina but here.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: ...mathematical understanding of infinity.
* Eli: ... ugly people in the pews.
* Thomas: ... tree branch guillotine.
* Noah: ...WASP Jews.

### **Notes**

* Check out Thomas on *Opening Arguments*, *Serious Inquiries Only*, and *Philosophers in Space*.
* Recorded live on 22 April 2017 from 7:00 PM on at ReAsonCon 3 in Hickory, North Carolina.
* Thomas produced a long form foot certificate, confirming that he does in fact have feet. [Or does it? *Skeptic*.]

### **Jokes**

* "Everyone looks like a mean political cartoon about Americans, just back when hair was enough to stop a bullet—that's why Jackie didn't get one. \*audience groan\* Oh, that's too far? You should go! You should go! That was a test! If you are upset right now, go to the lobby, have some fun. This is going to be a bad time for *everybody*! For everybody. There are *children* later on in the movie, and I will *talk about them*." (13:42)
* Numbers 16–34: "If you have not gotten to see people from Alabama pretending to be Middle Eastern Jews, you have not lived."

### **Interstitials**

* "Hi everyone, welcome to Hell." (10:00)
* "Heath Enwright. Welcome to Hell!" (1:04:08)
* Beauregard Hickens, an extra on *The Burning Hell* (1:05:40)

### **Tropes**

* Dead Baby Comedy
* RACISM!
* Not Christian Enough

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Film on Archive.org (High Quality Version)
* IMDB
The Boondock Saints (GAM232)

### Starring:

Willem Dafoe, Sean Patrick Flanery, Norman Reedus, David Della Rocco, Billy Connolly

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***The Boondock Saints*** is the story of two Irish Catholic brothers getting told by God that they should become vigilante serial killers in Boston; plus… just a whole bunch of bigot stuff they added since the last time I saw this movie. They put in a *lot*—somehow Bill Burr's inner monologue came to life as a movie and they inserted it as a director's cut without telling me.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, or they'll take another finger.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you like this movie… you don't. I know you think you do, but believe us when you say, you do not love this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: ...back story of the writer/director.
* Noah: ... fucking title.
* Eli: ...recollection of this movie.

### **Notes**

* Yes, this movie is actually Christian enough to count as a standard GAM episode without being *Rocky V*.
* The documentary *Overnight* is an fascinating look at the rise and stumble of director Troy Duffy.
* Noah owns this movie because Heath loved the version that apparently existed only in his memory.

### **Interstitials**

* The first ever writers meeting for *The Boondock Saints* (11:37)
* Heath in Denial (1:04:50)

### **Tropes**

* Behind on the Rent
* Boss in a Bit Part [Troy Duffy as "Man in Bar" (uncredited)]
* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* HOMOPHOBIA!
* Name That Movie!
* Neglectful/Godless /Abusive Parent
* Offensive Friend
* RACISM!
* SEXISM!
* Wake Up!
* Who's That Girl?

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube]
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDB