Mav McCool Takes First, Carla Carcarcara In Critical Condition After Eventful Weekend at Suzuka

By Bandrew Aenson

69 hours ago | Formula D

Mav McCool wins it at the wire over arch rival Bjorn Burnoutsson in evening race at Suzuka Speedway.

Race Recap:

Burnoutsson opened the day on pole and quickly extended his lead over the field after a risky move exiting turn 2. It was shaping up to be a clinical afternoon for the Viking with McCool and Ztimzon comprising the chasing group. All hell broke loose though as the final three drivers exited the turn.

In what has been described as an act of providence, Carcarcara, Quickahashi, and Tortelloni were, for lack of a better term, teleported far ahead of the pack as they exited. Hellfire and screams of anguish rained upon the surprised crowd as a tear in space time appeared to open on the circuit.

After brief but heated deliberation the race stewards waved the drivers on to finish the lap (may we never question their absolute judgement).

At press time, Dale, Herald of the Stewards said: “What portal? Stop asking about the portal Bandrew. God does not exist, there is only speed.”

Carcarcara and Aston Fartin looked to have a win in the bag much to the chagrin of the other teams. However, a spin coming out of turn 5 caused a safety car and total reset of the field.

A chaotic restart saw Ztimzon ram Carcarcara as she passed. The former leader then careened into the back of Quickahashi, finally slamming into the barriers ending her day. A post-race investigation identified spikes on the track near the incident but officials have made no comment on the likelihood of foul play.

Burnoutsson also looked to be in trouble when internationally wanted hit man Jason Bourne leapt the barrier and somehow outran the race car. After punching the front wing clean off the vehicle, Bourne disappeared into a crowd of stoners on track. A warrant is out for his arrest, if you have any information please contact authorities at Interpol.

Chaos ensued as thick cotton from the stoners obscured the penultimate straightaway. Exiting the dank cloud one two was a crazed Burnoutsson screaming “GO GO GO!!!” followed closely by a blood covered McCool.

Poor braking from Burnoutsson and lost aerodynamics from the damaged car allowed McCool to out-corner the Northman. The new leader then used a timely nitro boost to take the checkered flag.

An unnamed pothead was found dead on the track following the race. An autopsy identified the cause of death as “speed trauma and being high AF dude.”

Carcarcara was taken to Suzuka Memorial Hospital where she remains in critical condition. She is reported to be delirious, shouting “FASTER, FASTER! MORE NITRO!” at the medical staff. Quickahashi and Tortelloni also required medical attention after the race, having succumbed to something medical experts are referring to as “speed madness.”

All 3 are expected to make a full recovery but their status for next weeks race remains in question.

TP Ritter had some choice words for his counterpart at FourLOKO Racing following the crash: “Those fucks over at FourLOKO think they can get away with this… It’s completely unacceptable! We have proof of illegal car modifications that directly led to a driver injury - you bet your ass that we’ll be sending an appeal to the Stewards. Something seems off about that Ztimzon character too, I can’t quite put my finger on it….”

In response to the appeal the Formula D Stewards (may swift justice forever guide their hand), proclaimed from atop their dais: “zssZSssSSSZZZ…. ZzSsSssSSSZZ… ZZZzSsSSssss….”

How this will impact AFR and FLR going forward remains to be seen.

**The Winners Circle:**

The sex dungeons of Rev My Engine Motorsports are surprisingly unassuming from the outside. The exterior belies the storied history this club has on the race track and in the bedroom.

TP Carson leads me past previous winning vehicles interspersed with dildos, pocket pussies, and sex swings. Scantily clad engineers hustle and bustle carrying prototypes and schematics.

We eventually sit down in the conference center, colloquially referred to as the “Rev Shack” to discuss the teams self described “orgasmic performance” at the Suzuka Grand Prix.

Mav give us your thoughts on the race.

Mav: “Honestly it was a pretty standard race in my eyes. Nothing weird or controversial happened at all. The car was perfect and that rhino pill I bought at the gas station before made me last the perfect amount before I blew my nitro into that last corner.”

Bang how does it feel watching your teammate take first place?

Bang: “マヴはとてもセクシーだ、だからチームにいるんだ。バッド・ドラゴンが大好きだ！あのバカなカーラの車みたいにチンコを爆発させるんだ。”

Carson you slick son of a bitch, reports are that you opened a portal to hell, didn’t utilize it, and now sit at the top of the table. How does it feel?

Carson: “Honestly when I was doing that ritual I had no idea it would actually work, or the ramifications it would have on the race. I also thought it would benefit my drivers and not only half the field… but maybe it did because those suckers who took the portal finished behind those who didn’t. Get fucked losers!”

Some are questioning the blatant disregard for human life your driver showed by running over a spectator. What do you have to say to your critics?

Carson: “That stoner got what was coming to him. I’m glad he’s dead. If anyone is to blame it is the commissioner for scheduling a race on 4/20.”

Rev Motorsports PR has confirmed that the family of the deceased has received a year long subscription to Brazzers premium. The club has no further comment at this time.

——

Next up: Chi-town, birthplace of The Wind and ancient seat of His Holiness, Hot Dog

## Out of Game

This article was written by Kyle Ritter and Dave Carson.