Valda's Spire of Secrets - Mage Hand Press One Shot

***Valda's Spire of Secrets*** is an *Another Bad Side Quest* one shot run to celebrate and support *Mage Hand Press* kickstarter which hopes to bring a new 5th Edition expansion book to life. The one shot is entirely comprised of content from the new book which ABSQ got a sneak preview of!

## Valda's Spire of Secrets - Mage Hand Press One Shot

### Air date

August 31st, 2021

The players are as follows -

* **Jeremy** as **Ahmose** - Summer Mandrake, Pharoh Necromancer
* **Haelley** as **Beeka** - Mouseling Mousefolk, Reanimator Necromancer
* **Ian** as **Dalio** - Green Skin Near-Human, Amorist Alchemist
* **Mak** as **Exodia** - Winter Mandrake, Blood Wraith Guardian Warden
* **Zach** as **Fredo** - Raggedy Geppettin, Detective Investigator
* **Jon** as **Jack** - Bisque Geppettin, High Roller Gunslinger
* **Jessa** as **Waevyra** - Spring Mandrake, Burden of the End Martyr

### **Synopsis**

**Pre-Show Shenanigans**

Announcing the joys of *Mage Hand Press* and Jon reveals a terrifying surprise that everyone will have to deal with for the rest of the episode - check it out in the VOD here. It truly is a masterclass in getting into character!

### **Part One**

*As we slowly pan in on a small area of the Rikey Mountains, we see an interesting group of adventurers. Travelling across this long mountain pass, edging across cliffs, several times almost losing their steps and falling thousands of feet below into the canyon.*

* Beeka is a scrappy looking mouseling with big round ears and a pink nose and standing about 2 1/2" tall. She wears a pointed, witch-like hat that mostly flops over and has a wooden staff, a dark leather bag with an ouroboros stitched onto the top flap, and she isn't standing, instead she sits on the shoulder of a very good friend.
* Exodia is a taller mandrake, standing at about 7 1/2" tall if you include his leaves. He is a wintered tree, mostly dead and covered in leather wraps similar to Beeka's bag, covered covered in frost and his fingertips are stained pink and he carries his closest friend on his shoulder.
* Ahmose is a similar tree person, a little shorter than Exodia with green-brownish sort of flesh and barefoot. He wears a blue tunic with an ankh and scarab attached to the front at his throat, wearing a white cloth wrap around his waist, a black mask of Anubis over his face with dark dreads around his face and has a bag at his side but more childish in design compared to Beeka.
* In stark contrast to the more sinister looking characters in front of her, Waevyra is also a mandrake but was in full bloom. She is covered in foliage and flowers and wrapped in vines that created a sort of armor around her arms and legs.
* Jack is a small porcelain doll with only one arm. He wears a top hat and a very nice ensemble of clothes and has has a large revolver at his hip.
* Fredo is a ragged looking teddy bear, about Beanie Baby sized. He wears a white button down shirt, gold chains around his neck and carries a custom looking firearm behind him.
* Dalio is a older man mustache and half of his skin strangely green. He is dressed dapper looking in a vest with a tie and nice and he carries around several different bottles of what appears to be alcohol.

The group of strange individuals continued to travel up this mountain pass, looking for what was called the *Spire of Secrets* as per their contract, deep in the mountains. Why each of these people took the contract was up to them, but didn't really matter right now. They continued their climb as the two suns of Texildra beamed overhead, causing heat as they climbed higher and the winds picking up and pressing against them no matter which direction they moved. In the distance they saw the *Sky Citadel* and know that, if their information is good, the *Spire of Secrets* should be not too far beyond that. As they trudged along their path, most of the party spotted a spike of dark material in the near distance, between the slopes of the mountains, the twisting metal tower they knew as *The Spire of Secrets*. Waevyra noted it was certainly the herald of the end which Beeka commented was a rather dark stance. Waevyra told her she hoped the end was dark and Dalio replied that he hoped not as his eyes had been failing him recently.

Fredo took a moment to investigate the situation and determined that this was definitely the *Spire of Secrets* they were seeing, but they would need to find a way to cross to the other side of the mountain to get there. Hearing that, everyone started to look for the best way to cross to the otherside of the mountain, with Exodia holding Beeka high above his head so she could take a look around, and soon spotted an area that looked close enough together that they could be able to jump across compared to a few other places that looked a bit more treacherous. Beeka pointed out the safest one to Exodia, with Fredo climbing up the side of Exodia to take a look for himself much to Beeka's disapproval. After a general consensus of agreement, with Fredo not appreciating Jack's demeaner, the group headed to the safest looking crossing.

After some discussion, it was determined that the smaller people would need to be carried by a larger person. Exodia held Beeka up and outward as he jumps, ensuring that even if he landed badly that he could keep her out of danger. Fredo asks for a lift from Waevyra, noting his short legs, and she agreed, picked him up and put him on her shoulder. Waevyra's jump was less successful than Exodia's and ended up taking the edge of the cliff to the chest, but manages to pull herself up and over after taking some damage, which also flung Fredo from her grasp and damaging him in the tumble. Ahmose being left to take Jack, asked why they were going and Jack explained that was is how they get paid. Jack then went entirely rigid and gave Ahmose permission to pick him up which Ahmose did. Similar to Waevyra, he took the cliff edge to the chest, but both he and Jack made it across also damaged in the attempt. Dalio, despite being an old man, cleared the jump with ease. Fredo complained of being torn up, with Beeka and Jack offering to help as Beeka guided Jack as the doll-man stuffed Fredo's fluff back into him and sewed him back together.

At that point, Beeka asked Exodia if "Cookie" needed to be let out for a walk and Exodia suggested she ask their party first. Fredo seemed especially concerned as to what Cookie is, worried that he looked like a chew toy and Beeka assured him Cookie doesn't bite. Beeka, having not heard a distinct 'no', reached into her leather bag and pulled out a full human skeleton, that pieced itself together by her magic in the form of a 5'5 human skeleton with a tentacle attached as one of his arms. Exodia explained he killed Cookie a long time ago, but now they respected each other. Exodia then looked around the new area to find the safest path towards the Spire, and finding they would need to do a lot of climbing, suggested to the group that smaller folks should hitch a ride with bigger people. Cookie gently caresses Fredo, and seeing that Beeka suggested that Fredo ride in Cookie's ribcage as it was something she had done in the past, but Fredo refused asking if, as a teddy bear, he was the only one with some sanity. As Waevyra noted that she thought Cookie was also a sign of the end, Jack says he would like to ride in the ribcage. Fredo responded that was fine as he he would rather ride with Waevyra despite what happened last time, which she allowed.

Exodia led the way, with the mandrakes making easier work of the cliffside as they were taller and could step wider than the others. Eventually they made it to the base of the Spire, and recognized a path at the bottom that spiralled its way around the sides of the Spire and led to the top, which most of the party recognized had been sculpted and was not naturally forming. They also begin to smell something like meat over cooking which gave pause for Exodia, who took extra care to cup Beeka protectively in his hands as they continued up the path along the spire. Further up the path, the party found a small vent along the side of the tower that seemed to be pushing out flecks of ash and appeared to be where the smell of burnt meat was stronger. Dalio expressed his disappointment at the scent not being food, while Beeka cast *Mage Armor* on herself which coalesced as the spectral image of bark-like shoulder pauldrons and breastplate as she took an appearance similar to Exodia. Beeka noted the smell was likely a bad thing and Fredo less delicately, surmises that the smell was someone being cooked and suggested they open the grate so he can do some reconnaissance. While Freddo started to suggest a way to get it open and investigate it, Exodia merely snapped off one of his icy branches and made a swing for the grate, cleaving it open with ease.

Though the grate WAS big enough for everyone to get into, including the large mandrakes, not everyone *wanted* to go in. Fredo explained that he could go in and if he was at risk of being caught could simply ragdoll himself and pretend to be a regular stuffed animal or just acting cute which usually worked, but Waevyra pointed out that Fredo looked rather flammable. Jack suggested he might be a better option, and when Dalio agreed referring to him as "Jackie", casually threatened to shoot him if he called him that again. Ahmose noted coldly that he could resist flame, and when Beeka confusedly pointed out he was a tree added that he was built to repel fire. As he made his way to the grate, Ahmose cast *Mage Armor* on himself as well which appeared as spectral white wraps around his arms and legs, much like mummification. Jack was let out of Cookie's ribcage and made his way to the grate after Ahmose.

Past the grate was a dark tunnel with layers of crusted ash along the sides of it. As they walked Jack's shoulders dislocated and his limbs fell from the stiff posture of a doll to something more natural as he stealthily made his way through the tunnel, meanwhile outside, Fredo voiced his feeling that Jack was doing something gross which Exoida agreed with. As the pair continued to move, Jack noticed that the tunnel came to an abrupt end and dropped like a cliff's edge in front of them and reached out a hand to stop Ahmose from falling. Jack inside the tunnel heard it better, but a few outside also heard a rumbling sound come from deep within the tunnel. Jack told Ahmose they had to leave now and Jack launched into a terrifying sprint with Ahmose behind, while outside Exodia clutched Beeka and turned his back as a large cloud of ash exploded out of the grate and covered everyone, minus the covered Beeka. Jack explained that the grate was not a safe path to follow and everyone decided to keep to the main path in hopes of finding a front door.

As they continued, Beeka turned around on Exodia's shoulder to face everyone else and asked if she had permission to use their dead bodies upon their death. Fredo gave an absolute no, Dalio cited he would like to be buried with his family and Waevyra stated her dead body was already spoken for. Ahmose agreed under the condition that he may use Beeka's, which she agreed to happily citing "reduce, reuse, recycle" and Dalio reconsidered and told her that because she seemed nice he would give her one femur. As the conversation continues, Fredo asked Waevyra for a boost to inspect the path as they went and to discern if there had been any other foot traffic along this path, but couldn't see much except the tracks they left behind. A few minutes later, the party turned around the Spire once more and halted as they were faced with a large onyx stone door, inset into the Spire.

Dalio approached the door happily and gave it a solid knock as everyone agreed it was the polite thing to do. Jack noted that the owner of the tower must be compensating for something while glancing up at the tower, and Fredo admitted he might be starting to like Jack. As Dalio knocked, the floor beneath them all fell inward and everyone entered a freefall as they fell through it. Exodia curled around Beeka in anticipation of impact, but it didn't seem to come, seemingly lasting for minutes, leaving everyone to wonder what was happening as Beeka reached out for Cookie and stuffed him back in her bag. Fredo relaxed into the freefall in annoyance, noting that this fall was likely something magical in nature and that they probably shouldn't have expected knocking to work, and on the comment about magic, a voice appeared in their minds that noted it took them a long time to figure that out as everyone finally hit the floor, with Jack audibly splintering and cracking as he impacted.

The room they found themselves in was suddenly lit by green flame in lanterns on four pillars around the room, but as they looked didn't see any walls that would mark the edges of the room as it bled into blackness. The voice from before, now properly audible berated how adventurers were unintelligent enough to go to places with scary names like *Mount Hell* and *Mausoleum of Terror* and *Spire of Secrets* and if the name wasn't enough to get them to stay away, but Beeka argued it was more accurate to say that it was *unwise.* As they spoke a robed skeletal figure apparated in front of the group and noted he built it out there to get away from all of them. Dalio remarked that if it had been called *Bank of Taxes* that people might be less inclined to explore, but the figure stated that they named it to scare people to stay away. He further added that the *Spire of Secrets* has museum of idiocy to display all the dumb individuals who dare come to find the spire. Fredo more aggressively berated the figure saying the name almost encouraged people to come because everyone wants to know what the secret is when you announce there was a secret somewhere. The figure being upset to lose an argument to a teddy bear and cast something that caused him to be unable to speak as his whole body seized up and left him partially *Petrified*, while Beeka scurried down Exodia to Jack and casts *Mending* on his cracked porcelain.

Dalio appreciated the silence while Beeka conversed with the figure and when the figure pointed out he was all bone, no skin pulled Cookie back out of her bag. The figure appreciated being reminded of his early dabbling's in magic, then announced that as nice as that was, they were all going to be turned into museum pieces now. The figure added they had invaded his home, but several of them argued that all they did was knocked and the trap door dropped them into the room. Beeka asked if sneaking in would have worked and the figure said it depended on which way, noting that the vent would have led to falling on flaming corpses when Beeka asks about it. Dalio was disappointed in the lack of hamburgers as he was hungry and Beeka offered some of her crackers. While that was going on, Jack looked for an exit, but without walls within visibility it was hard to tell if there was a way out.

The figure asked if he released Fredo if he would shut up, and the party mostly acknowledged that was unlikely to be quiet, but that it would be nice if he did. Dalio walked up to the figure and introduced himself as he held out his hand for a shake. The figure apologized as he reached hand back and immediately felt his body washed with negative energy and was *Unconscious* instantly, which also released Fredo as his concentration was lost that was holding him still. As the figure apologizes profusely for forgetting and put on some gloves, Ahmose approached Dalio, cast *Goodberry* causing reed like branches to stretch and the berries to grow from the tips and dropped one into Dalio's mouth reviving him. The figure apologized to Dalio directly before he introduced himself as Valda, a lich though he has no relation to the "other V lich".

Fredo, now freed of his near petrification, tried to convince the lich to make a deal over lunch, but Valda refused and insisted he was going to experiment on their bodies and put them in his museum. Fredo pointed out that Beeka was already going to do that and Beeka indignantly insisted that she claimed their bones first. Valda said that maybe he and Beeka could work out something where she worked for him in the long run, but was interrupt by Fredo who asked why they were even still talking. Dalio said it was because he had manners and Waevyra replied that Valda was surely a herald of the end and that she was sent to protect those who could not protect themselves from the end, caused a shield to begins to grow from the bark of her arm and a vine from her other arm to curl like a whip. Fredo stood beside her and said "If my name is not Fredocinni Alfredo" which set Valda off in a fit of exasperation at the strange figures before him. The conversation only further derailed until Valda disappeared from in front of them and challenged them to deal with his newest experiments.

### **Break!**

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### **Part Two**

Valda's voice continues to be ring out with his challenge, but also added that a fair fight fight was worth it and a rush of a wave ran over them as the party was restored like they had completed a long rest. Valda said he wanted to see something interesting so they better not disappoint, while Fredo fired off one more small dick joke and managed to get a response that only he heard.

From around the two furthest most pillars, four in total which marked the corners of the room, two human figures in long robes made their way, with the one on the left a slimmer shape that twitched leaving ghostly echoes of itself that faded back into its form and the one on the right that lumbered heavily as if pulled down by gravity as it moved. The faster figure approached the group and extended a shadowy tendril as it slashed at Exodia. Beeka, in a practiced motion, scurried downward to crawl inside Exodia's hollow chest, cast *False Life* on herself, then instructed Cookie to defend Exodia. Cookie struck the faster figure with his tentacle, then failed in his attempt to grapple the figure. Jack ran for cover behind a nearby pillar, and out of sight of the creatures, used his only hand to spin his revolver and and fired at the the slower figure, which it seemed to resist, then continued his movement to get out of sight behind the pillar.

Waevyra stepped out from behind Ahmose, held out her hand causing a massive rose thorn to grow through her palm before it is shot forward and cast *Guiding Bolt* on the slower figure, resulting in them glowing as if to guide the next strike against it, but caused some of Waevyra's flowers to wither from the effort. Ahmose looked between the two figures, declared that neither had what he sought, held the ankh around his neck which glowed a brilliant gold light while he gave a prayer and request for protection as he activated his *Channel Divinity* : *Ankh of Radiance* which bathed everyone around him in a golden glow which gave them a d4 for their attacks and saves, then Ahmose then cast *Shillalegh* on his arm as he contorted it's shape into a club and move a little further back. Exodia took a step closer to faster figure that attacked him, activated his *Warden's Mark* to mark the creature and struck it successfully, but the figure used it's reaction to activate it's *Rewind* ability to reset the last few seconds and cause the attack to miss.

Dalio, watching all this unfold around him, ran for cover behind the same pillar as Jack, held out a bottle and asked if Jack would like to be tall, who simply replied no and told him that was his pillar and to find his own, he then missed as he hurled a flaming bottle of wine through the air at the slower figure but just hit the floor instead. Fredo used his full movement to close in on the slower figure, failed as he tried to convince it to be friends using a cute voice and his *Adorable* feature, then activated *Rushed Incantation* to rush ritual cast *Transient Bulwark*.

The faster figure quickly shifted in front of Exodia and Cookie, with Exodia's prior activated *Warden's Mark* giving disadvantage, missed on it's attack on Cookie and slashed Exodia with one of it's two attacks, which seemed to slow as the golden light from Ahmose's activated *Channel Divinity* : *Ankh of Radiance* formed a larger spectral version of himself that shielded him reducing some of the damage before the golden light faded away completely, then disengaged and darted around the nearby pillar and out of range. The slower figure, still standing in front of Fredo, activated it's *Tormented Scream* as it let out a horrible scream, which blasted through Fredo.

Beeka, spooked by what she just saw and heard, pressed her little hands against the inside of Exodia, cast *Enlarge/Reduce* which caused him to rapidly grow twice his size while empowering his strikes. Cookie then rushed around the pillar to face the slower figure Fredo was in front of, struck it with his tentacle, which it seemed to resist, then managed to *Grapple* them. Jack walked around the pillar he was taking cover behind, flips his revolver to the side and, in a practiced motion, flipped out a single bullet which was tossed into his mouth as he activated *Deed :* *Bite the Bullet* to gain temporary HP, then fired on the grappled creature, which once again noticed it seemed to resist and ran back for cover.

As the air smelled more like ozone, Waevyra conjured a ring of sparks as more of her vines shrivelled around her, cast *Boomering* and hurled it across the room to the slower figure, while she simultaneously activated her *Herald of the End* ability to ensure it did significant damage leaving the creature charred. Ahmose, seeing the focus on the *Grappled* slower figure, cast *Eye of Anubis* firing a small red orb that formed in his eyes that damaged it with necrotic energy and prevented it from using the *Disengage* feature temporarily. Exodia, in his newly *Enlarged* form, lumbered after the faster figure as he activated *Feral Trance* causing ruby red tendrils of to cover his bark and over the opening that Beeka resided in a little "E+B" in a heart, then attacked the figure.

Dalio peaked from around the pillar to ask if anyone would like to be really tall, and when Fredo agreed Dalio ran out to hand him a vintage whiskey, then promptly ran away. Fredo drank the potion and grew under the effects of the *Enlarge* spell that would instead last two hours instead of the usual minute, then fired at the slower figure, which still seemed to resist despite the bullets being even bigger now. The *Grappled* slower figure began to change in Cookie's grip until it looked more like the other, faster figure and activated its *Rewind* ability to phase out of the grapple, then hit him one of it's three slashes, which then activated Fredo's prior cast of *Transient Bulwark* reducing the attack by -10 and turned it into a miss. The first faster figure in front of Exodia slashed at him three times, at advantage due to his *Feral Trance,* then *Disengaged* to run away.

Beeka, knowing Exodia was badly injured but unable to heal him herself floundered for a moment, then cast *Chill Touch* on the first faster figurer that attacked Exodia with the aid of Ahmose's *Channel Divinity*. Cookie then attacked the changed figure near Fredo and managed to *Grapple* it again. Jack ran out from behind the pillar, missed as he fired on the figure's new quicker form, then activated *Deed :* *Dodge Roll* to move an additional 15 feet and reload his weapon. Waevyra rushed to the grappled changed figure, used her vine whip, which had withered more into a hardened switch to lash out on it while activating *Torment* to expend her own life force and deal additional radiant energy, then back up a little.

Ahmose stepped in a little closer till the first faster figure was in range, reached into his leather bag, pulled out a paddle board with a ball attached to it by string, grabbed hold of the ball and cast *Eldritch Orb* conjuring as sphere from the ball that he threw towards the figure. Exodia followed the first faster figure but missed with his attack on them. Dalio pulled another whiskey bottle, which seemed to glow strangely and hurled it seemingly the middle of nowhere, close to where Waevyra and Ahomse, and activated his *Teleportation Bomb* to teleport 30 feet where the bomb exploded. Fredo raised his gun over his head, smashed it against the *Grappled* figure in front of him crushing it to the ground as it let out a horrible scream as it died hitting both Fredo and Cookie, which Fredo managed to resist some of the damage, but in despite of Ahmose's *Ankh of Radiance* reducing the damage more, knocked them both *Unconscious* on the ground and reduced Fredo back to his normal size. The remaining figure shifted into its slower form in front of Exodia, let out a scream that hit both Exodia and Beeka, which Beeka managed to resist and had her damage lessened by Ahmose's *Ankh of Radiance* as the light faded from her, but left Exodia *Unconscious* on the ground, then ran away, as Beeka used her reaction to attack it with her staff.

Beeka, distressed as her best friend fell down, very angrily cast *Misty Step* to teleport herself out of Exodia's ribcage and in front of the figure, who ran away, grabbed the creature by the throat as she activated *Charnel Touch* frying the figure with lightning energy and shouted about her friend, going slightly feral as she did. Jack moved to get a better line of sight on the miraculously still standing creature and fired at it while the creature let out a a last scream as it died, which Beeka took the brunt of.

As the battle came to a close, Valda reappeared to congratulate them on fighting well, but informed them they would still be a part of his museum of idiocy and asked them if they had any last words. Dalio asked if Valda could find out if his nephew had a happy graduation, which Valda seemed confused by, but was willing to try, though he made no promises. Fredo, unable to truly die until he lost all his fluff, came back around to make another joke and Valda cast *Fireball* his way which ended him entirely. Beeka returned to sit in Exodia's hollow chest, flipped off Valda as he spoke and cast *Mage Hand* to slap him, which Valda admitted he probably deserved. Jack called Valda an idiot, while Beeka cast *Spark of Life* on Exodia's dead body to attack Valda over and over again, though the lich ignored these attacks for the most part while Jack continued speaking.

Jack said that Valda had adventurers that were willing to to live and could make a contract to be in Valda's service if he had need for items or things gathered through the realms, noting that he himself said he was impressed with their skills and could use them. Valda proposed that they could trade favors, which Jack accepted. Valda asked the others of their opinions and Dalio replied that he would like to go to the graduation party himself, while Beeka stops attacking and agreed using her magic to move Exodia and herself closer to the others. Jack picked up the charred remains of Fredo, a couple buttons and most of his head, as Valda held up his hand and a green glowing circle appears around them which dumped the group suddenly outside the front door, with those who were dead now brought back to life though, but were now undead. A note also flung out and landed at Jack's feet, folded and labelled "Orders". As Fredo's disgruntled head spoke in frustration of his new situation, Ahmose picked it up and placed it within his bag.

Jack, using his mouth a bit, flipped open the orders which reads "B*ring me the hand of that Vecna bitch!"*

1. ↑ Zach is almost word for word copying what Darrin says and it is determined that the DM is Fredo's internal monologue
2. ↑ This being the 5e wannabe god, Vecna
3. ↑ Which Ian interrupted as Dalio to make an Avenger's/Thanos reference
4. ↑ At that moment the ankh of radiance should have activated to reduce the damage, but was forgotten at that moment.