2014 Power Rankings-Week 1

Next Week--->

*Posted 9/2/14 at 4:40pm. Posted In lieu of week one rankings, the commissioner issued Draft Day Superlatives and a brief recap of the events that occurred during the controversial evening.*

DRAFT RECAP

Sunday night felt like a fever dream. For those who don’t
entirely understand what happened, here is a quick summary of events:

6pm – A hacker, henceforth known as PervertZero, invades the
privacy of dozen of celebrities and launched an internet frenzy that captured
the hearts of millions.

7pm – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came
on SpikeTV, causing widespread vomiting and in some cases, death.

730pm – Pat’s other draft started. I assume he did terribly.

735pm – Indiana Jones, PervertZero, and Pat’s Other happening
simultaneously caused the internet to implode under the weight of all the
Gophers, nipples and Pat’s poor choices and Yahoo decided to go to Threat Level
Red and bail on fantasy leagues who had their drafts between 8-9. I received
the personalized email that due to an error, “we” could not draft in your
league. They said we as if this somehow also inconvenienced them.

810pm – The notion of “DOING IT LIVE” was discussed. At this
point in time Alex was still MIA and presumed dead due to an Indiana Jones
induced suicide, while Nate still couldn’t figure out how his internet worked
and Chris was at his job not knowing any of this was happening.

820pm – A serious discussion was had over doing a live
offline draft and giving Chris 8 kickers.

9pm – Pat gets permission from his Girlfriend to stay up
past curfew.

910pm – The decision is made to do a live offline draft,
give Chris 8 kickers, replace Alex with a talking tree, and hope for the best.

912pm – Yahoo emerges from the blast like Indy from the
fridge and allows us to reschedule the draft. The only available time is 11pm,
way past Nate’s bedtime. The executive decision is made that the draft will be
held at 11pm. Nate is tucked in by his girlfriend.

913pm – Yahoo sends us an email saying our draft was
rescheduled to 915pm, literally two minutes from the time the email is sent.

945pm – We realize Yahoo sent us another stupid email but
since we had already rescheduled to 11, it didn’t mean shit.

9-11pm – Two hours of slow internet, awkward silences, and
mourning over the loss of Nate’s manhood.

1058pm – By some Miracle, Alex wakes up from a 4 hour nap,
because somehow falling asleep at 7 can still qualify as taking a nap. He makes
it in to the draft room just in time to ruin his season.

11pm – Becky the Icebox enters the draft after successfully
roofying Nate. Nate wakes up and joins
just in time to have a below average draft.

All in all the disaster worked out for the best, with Nate
and Jared both having internet problems and Alex napping and Joe at another
draft at 8, the event of half the league autodrafting was thankfully avoided
and ultimately more people were able to draft at 11 then at 8. Unfortunately
for some people, the autodraft might have been the better option.

SUPERLATIVES

Most Likely to Humiliate Nate – Becky the Icebox. The only
A-graded draft this year, Becky is poised for a great year cut short by some
unfortunate injury just in time for the playoffs. With two matchups against
PeytoninThePlayoffs and a far superior team, there is a good chance we will see
some serious humiliating of Nate this year.

Most Likely to Talk a Ton of Shit and Never Back it Up – The
Show Offs. They have risen from the ashes and vowed to once again pay attention
to the league after two seasons of upsetting the Fantasy Gods. I have no doubt
he will do well, but the Gods may still not be pleased. There was one other
team that wins this every year, but with a name like the Show Offs, Pat to take
the cake. And if I know Pat he took the cake two spots before someone else was
planning on taking the cake. Get it? Because he always drafted players right
before someone else wanted them?

Most Likely to Fall Asleep and Miss the Season – PeytonInThePlayoffs.
With his early bedtimes these days, there is a good chance he will sleep
through the season. There is an even
better chance that his team will perform really well and then go comatose when
he hits the playoffs.

Most Likely to Lose Every Game by 1 point or less – Winter
Soldiers. Nothing screams average like this team and if history has proven
anything its that this team loves to lose in the most frustrating,
heart-breaking, “if only he had gotten one more yard” kind of ways.

Most Likely to Be PervertZero – Flag on the Play. I think
the superlative speaks for itself.

Most Likely to Blame Every Loss on the Autodraft – Money
Manziel. Not a lot of competition in this category, which I’m happy about. It
is going to be a real challenge for this team to get back in to the dance but
thankfully he is a dedicated manager and set pre-draft rankings, coming out of
the Autodraft looking pretty good.

Most Likely Not to Repeat – Shotti Bunch. In a league so
balanced, a repeat seems far from likely. But you never know what is in the
cards with Fantasy Football.

Most Likely to Lose all Their Good Players to Injuries Week
1 – Papa’s Posse. The word Veterans comes to mind when talking about Papa’s
Posse, but some of his players are old enough to be World War 2 Veterans.

Most Likely to Stop Setting his Lineup Mid-Way Through the
Season – IAMGROOT. For those of you who don’t know who “Groot” is, he is what
Rob Gronkowski would be like if he were a giant talking tree. I AM GRONK?
IAMGROOT is projected to play almost as well as a Tree might if it were to
draft a team. I give this team credit though, bold strategy trying to make a
bid for the consolation round in an attempt to control the top four picks for
next season. Never too early to start thinking about next year.

Most Likely to Invest in his Team and then Sell the Stocks
later for a Profit – ma ma momma said. This team always has had a lot of value,
year in and year out. Leave it to our resident number-crunching Jew to find a
way to profit.

In any case, football Is two days away. Make sure everyone
sets their lineups, pays attention to CNN to make sure none of your players
rapes, abuses, murders, does drugs, or has embarrassing mirror selfies leaked, and get ready for some awesome Fantasy
Football.