Burgundy

Back to Burgundy Adisa.

Burgundy’s journal has a cover of a woven natural  material. It is held closed by an opalescent bolo tie. Inside it has a series of loose papers like receipts and other scraps. Some of the pages appear to have been used as a reminder or lecture notes while others are like what you will see below.

## S1E0.1 - Character Creation

Content Warning: Mentions of sex, acephobia, arophobia, isolation, and anxiety

20--, 24 February
Thankful thought of the day: student mental health counseling and supporters of my composting initiative

My anxiety was triggered today in a way I wasn’t fully prepared for. A fellow student, Laura, approached me at the coffee shop today. Most of the SGA cited her posts as some of the backlash against my initiative. She seemed not to realize what damage her post could potentially create. After explaining that to her, she seems to be on board!
I fear it may not be for the best reasons. Maybe she’s a member of a club that wants to use the environmental committees resources? Regardless it felt like there was some kind of alternative motive. Possibly hitting on me?? Though Arsling joined the conversation and I got to meet Lysander, I couldn’t shake the fact that I was getting more and more lost in thought.
Her presence and the reminder of her post didn’t trigger me enough to do harm (or fully take me out of the situation, I was able to recuperate) but it was uncomfortable. I could only think about the last altercation I had with Justin.
I understand why Justin and I ended our relationship but it’s so hard to come to terms with it. I was open to a long distance situation but they were not. I am polyaffectionate and as long as they were open to the idea we could’ve been together. I know at this point I’m arguing with no one about the terms and conditions I was willing to apply. I’m still so frustrated about it. Our relationship was ideal almost?

How often do you come across someone who hears your labels and doesn’t immediately see you as a sexless alien? How the fuck am I supposed to find someone else who gets it? You mention a zucchini or a QPR and even in queer spaces someone thinks you’re grocery shopping. The general lack of understanding around aromantic and alterous relationships make this feel impossible and I feel like I fucked up and lost my only chance.
Justin’s managed to move on even though they left me a few months ago. They still hang around our mutual friends and those mutuals are becoming more and more distanced from me. I feel like I only have work and the environmental club left.
I miss sex - my kind of sex where I was listened to and understood with all the kinks and limitations yet still fun for the both of us. I’m still a super ace but I sometimes crave any kind of physical intimacy even if it is something for my partner. I miss having someone that took the time to understand me and what my labels mean. I look at people like Laura who probably were interested in me (judging by the glances when we got cleaned up and oh jeez I let her sit on my lap in the car ride, actually I *asked* her to) and can’t help but get disappointed. I’m glad to know that (maybe?) I’m perceived as attractive but I will never fulfill their sexual or romantic expectations. It stings more when I’m (alterously) attracted to them too. I’m glad I haven’t ran into anyone yet because I don’t think my heart could take another wound while still healing from loosing my relationship with Justin.

## S1E3 - Terrapin Station

Content Warnings: Mentions of romance, fear, and dumb long recap of S1E3 and the scene Fishy Business

2021, March 5
Thankful thought of the day: Today was a competitors inventory check day and Melissa being chill as usual.
Today was one of the days where we got to stretch our legs and leave the campus bookstore for work. Luckily I got chosen again to go and take note of what inventory was left on the shelves of Terrapin Station. They also had a sale going on a bunch of books so it was kinda crowded. But the fun part of that was that I ran into some students and one that I knew which was Arsling. I think I also saw the celebrity girl Selina? Selene? and some of her sorority members.
I was able to kinda ditch work to say hi to Arsling and almost immediately the customer who was bothering her about their commission popped up. I tried to shoo them away and it kinda worked but I don’t think they see me in the best light now. The same thing sorta happened when this girl, Penny, came up asking if I was “The guy from the composting thing”. I immediately assumed it was a Laura situation or worse. Yet it turned out that she just was interested and a supporter. I *think* she accepted my apology.
I offered to take Arsling to the beach and she accepted. We drove together there. She didn’t have a wet suit and I ended up giving her the one I bought for Justin. It really broke my heart to see it again. I had thought Justin and I would be together for another summer. Then I could teach him how to surf but instead Arsling got to borrow it. I’m overall glad it finally got some use. I had to save up for a while to afford it and the shop closed before I could return it. So I’ve been sitting with a wetsuit for someone much taller than me for months. Then came Arsling wanting to learn how to swim.
It was cold but I had a good time teaching Arsling how to swim. There were a handful of *interesting* moments here and there. I think nudity really messes with some people? I caught Arsling staring a few times as I changed in and out of the wetsuit and anytime she blushes she turns into a tomato. She also flirted with me a few times and I got a little uncomfortable. To get out of that situation I decided to swim out to catch a wave.
As soon as I was riding it, the tide started to pull away as if a vortex was on the shore. It made me wipe out but right as I looked out towards it I saw Lezly. Lezly is a member of Selina’s sorority and, it turns out, an undine. I prayed to the water spirits of the cove. they confirmed she is not a threat to them. But she is also not affiliated with them. As an ambassador of the cove I properly introduced myself to her and promised her if she needed anything while on the beach I could help her. Selina and Lezly kinda dragged me into swimming with them? It was weird for a demand of a casual activity from a spirit. I’m an underling to so many spirits that I couldn’t imagine being thought of as an equal by them.
Arsling didn’t seem surprised and I now know why. Selina? Selene? didn’t seem shocked either but she never provided an answer. I suspect she is some kind of supernatural being as well but I have no idea what.
~
After the swim I got to talking with Arsling and she asked if it was okay if she flirted with me. I was cool with that. It’s actually nice to be approached by someone so forward actually. It really took my mind off of Justin.
But I also learned about some insane curse Arsling has on her family. They have a constant draw of the supernatural making them want to transform her. She said her mother was transformed and I suspect she was killed. Arsling claims that she was chased and hunted every time she killed a monster. She claims she didn’t harm Lezly because she wouldn’t do anything unprovoked.
Is it bad that we kissed after I learned that? I feel safe with her but now knowing that vampires, werewolves, and who knows what else is out there - are all real this makes things more complicated. Dating a human who doesn’t have much of an idea of what it’s like having to control your human form or else you might be killed feels like it’s going to be difficult.
For now it’s nice to have something casual. It was nice kissing her. She’s kind and seems understanding. I came out to her and her reply seemed fairly decent. I will admit, I’m left kind of confused if she understands everything. We didn’t really establish anything we’re comfortable with either. Who knows if she bothered to look up “polyaffectionate” or knows what a queer platonic relationship is. I’m pretty sure I was her first kiss too and romance is new so boy am I going to crush some expectations jeez fucking-
So I’m hopeful. And if things don’t work out … well I’ve dealt with heartbreak before. I’m just worried that I’m setting myself up to be in a relationship structure for something that I can’t provide. And also this curse thing. Very scary.
Should I buy her like a silver necklace with some holy water and a sharp end piece just in case??? I hope that isn't romantic???

## In between Journal - Ramblings of the past few days

Content Warning: References to murder, sex, isolation, anxiety, fear and romance

I couldn’t sleep after that night and began digging through the books my parents insisted I held onto when I came to this school. I realized I never opened them. They’re all on information I should’ve known - preparing me with spells and magic and information on the supernatural. Some of it is stuff I’ve collected but I am lucky to have these supportive moms.
It is insane that I was still alterously interested in the monster hunter the day I kissed her. I guess I was blindsided by her narrative but as I dove deeper into my studies I see that I was dead wrong. She killed. I hope she gets turned into anything soon so no one else is hurt.

The only thing I know for certain is that I am not safe here. I have requested to move out of the dorm and hopefully I’ll get some money back from it. I know my moms will accept me home and maybe I can find some coworkers I can crash with.
March 10, 2021
Thankful thought of the day: My wonderful mothers letting me store some of my belongings here and my dear coworker, Melissa, who let me crash on their couch to be closer to work and school.
Sleeping ~~with~~ in Melissa’s home was refreshing. We haven’t hung out since New Years and it was telling how much I just needed a break from MHU. Being in her home again, I’m starting to suspect that something is supernatural about her but I felt safe with her. I want to make it up to her and do something nice soon.

March 11, 2021
Thankful thought of the day:
I finally feel safe.
I’m moved into my new dorm in Hellfire and it’s great! I’m close to their pool and the building is amazing and so new.
Though it’s a rule to never out another monster, just knowing that there are other monsters here is so amazing. I wouldn’t call it home yet but I can breathe.
Lezly is really cool and despite rumors, Selene is pretty caring. So far. I think she’s the first hug I’ve had in a while. Kinda wild to be crying into the first demon’s arms I’ve met but I think this my life now.
I get so nervous around Lezly because she’s basically a water spirit - like one of my “bosses”. I also maybe get really excited at the idea of being her friend and act dumb around her. Maybe.
Didi seems happy for me which I’m thrilled about. I’ll probably invite her over for a drink soon and see if she’d be interested in rooming with me but also catching up with all the danger around. I can’t wait to invite her and Iva over, it could be a dinner pool party!!
Regarding relationships … I’m debating between ending things with Arseling entirely (which could risk damaging Didi’s plan) or stretching the truth around Morganite. I think the morganite thing is a better idea …
[ ink changes color, denoting that it was written later]
I talked to Arseling and kinda stretched the truth about Morganite being missing and being overwhelmed by that. It’s wild that I didn’t lie and this is my reality. I think this is my first time really admitting to myself that my brother isn’t estranged but legitimately missing at this point.
Arsling was immediately empathetic. I’m starting to question if she *has* been hostile to monsters in recent years. I would think if she was, she would’ve pushed to visit me or something? I don’t know and I’m not trying to speculate because look what good that did last time - becoming a shut in and hitting almost a rock bottom. I just hope she’s turned or somehow proves she’ll from now on try to coexist and support monsters ...
To be perfectly honest I feel like I’m genuinely never going to be able to keep up with the standards of this school. I don’t think I’ve met another asexual person let alone aromantic person here. I don’t do casual sex at all and although people think that’s fine until you realize you’ve been kinda ostracized? I want to feel like I’m enough from the beginning and if I’m not for that to be a discussion. And maybe that won’t happen here. I want my labels to be listened to and discussed properly. Not just assuming I’m chill with something.
After Justin I haven’t found that yet. It is a fight sometimes to not stalk his Twitly and Instagram. He still has photos of us up.
I’m hopeful for new friends here in the Hellfire house.
ALSO. Okay Lezly offered to make me clothes and I’m so fucking nervous cuz like she’s not my “boss” but I feel like I have to treat her with utmost respect but she’ll be touching me. I think I have a squish on Lezly and maybe it’s mutual I don’t know how to aaaact. Spirits of the cove give me strength.

## In Between 2 - More coherent thoughts

March 14, 2021
Thankful thought of the day: Hair appointments with Iva are pretty great.
I’m still reeling from how unsuspectingly fun and open and honest Iva was yesterday. I mean I’ve seen her be generally personable with me when we lived together but I never thought I’d see her cry or try to play off wanting a hug from me.

I managed to convince her to spend the day with me and I’m shocked she said yes because she let me hug her and drive her to the salon. But it made sense. With everything she shared and all of the crazy shit going on I see that she maybe hasn’t had a true chance to break down until now despite being in the middle of it for so long.

We had pizza, she bought me dreadlock accessories, she smoked my ass in dance dance revolution, and then we watched a movie together on campus. The whole time I was just in love with the moment. It was so much fun but at any moment I was wistful, kinda realizing that this might not ever happen between Iva and I again. We’re both busy with limited free time with threats to our lives added on top of that. Maybe, if there is a next time, we could be hanging out to celebrate her SGA win!

Another layer of it is that being with Iva today elicited something I didn’t realize prior. After being rescued by the water spirits I assumed that I would be the lone monster and consequently never have access to a family. Not even biologically speaking, even though that is somewhat part of it - having the opportunity stolen from me, but being able to openly talk about hiding my humanity and my duties to the water spirits. And with Iva I could say all that and still hang out with her all day. Seeing her was just a constant reminder that I can actually continue living as a monster with normalcy. No promises but I could maybe date other monsters and find a partner or more close friends????? Judging by the reaction to my brand new twitly, that feels more than possible.

And then there was the stressful bits. Every fiber of my body hates me for writing this but (because of how much anxiety and work went into believing and preparing otherwise): Arsling isn’t a threat right now and may never become one. Iva told me about cultists who have some kind of hostile interests in monsters and the occult. It turns out I can’t be walking around with my arcana books out or I could possibly be in danger. I understand the history of the monster slayer and her past. So, I will do my best to be supportive of Didi and anyone else involved because turning her most likely will metaphorically disarm her. I really wish she could be convinced of this solution. But I also wish I didn’t immediately present that option as if gospel because I think leaving her human is workable. The more we try to turn her, I fear the more dangerous she has the ability to become. If I had executive decision over this situation I would leave Arsling alone (with caution) and redirect our efforts to the cultists.

For now she’s hurt and I just feel terrible about it. I already fucked up and kissed her so a gift basket doesn’t hurt anybody. I already had homemade cookies and the gardening club was giving away succulents after I helped them out so it’s fine. And I had the paper and glitter to make a card, it’s FINE.

During spring break I’m going to just continue diving into protection magic. Maybe I could embed a necklace with a spell that could make someone defenseless? What if I found a way to embed my “turning ability” into a removable item? That could remove some of the pressure off of Didi and prove useful if someone non-aquatic wanted to join me in the water for some time! I will practice my magic from afar and be available when called on.

I am kinda glad I’m not doing anything big for spring break this year. Everything is so overwhelming I just want to catch up at work and finish moving in at Hellfire. I’ll probably visit my parents again next weekend or something. And if anything is happening at the sorority I’d be open to that.

But for the most part I’m just going to be swamped. Since I had to take off a week, I’m still backed up on surfing and swim lessons. I also have a rescheduled midterm to handle and some stuff for the environmental committee. They think there’s enough support to start setting up fundraisers to cover the costs of the compost center and whatever other initiatives they have. Maybe we could do a car wash? Or auction dinners with people (even though it’s creepy as hell it might work?)?

I could even host a couple events maybe? If Hellfire lets me I could host a charity salsa and have some of the profit go towards the composting center? Not sure if it’ll work out but it wouldn’t hurt to write up a proposal. And maybe I could ask some friends to attend if they’re free. It could be really fun?

## March 19, 2021

Content Warnings: Fear, Death, and Anxiety

*This portion was retroactively written much later in the day.*

March 19, 2021
I woke up face down in the pool today.
It’s been a rollercoaster of a week.
I managed to catch up on work and on all of my midterms. It was really sweet that some of the kids in the larger swim class missed me. I could not imagine giving up those lessons. They are just so sweet. The campus bookstore however … if it wasn’t for the consistent pay, flexible hours, and Melissa making sure we're always scheduled together I don’t know if I would’ve stayed for so long. Especially around midterms and finals you get the people and parents who want to demand the weirdest shit. But it’s fine for now.
I got the opportunity to propose an idea to Selene and Lezly was present in the meeting. It went well and Selene really liked the example in my presentation so a Hellfire Salsa seems like it’ll be in the near future. And the Environmental Committee will have funding without having to depend on a stupid six month long “vote” just to have a couple hundred to build a composting center and encourage less food waste on campus. I fucking hate the SGA’s processes.
Directly after that I was invited to Selene’s concert and Lezly really wanted me there. She dressed me up and we got to hangout together. It was fun to see how she did makeup and handled a lot of the costuming off stage. She’s really impressive and so kind to me. She definitely saw me almost naked and she was the first guest I had in my new room. I’m glad I have her as a friend (I hope) in Hellfire.
And then the next day I got the text from Didi. Immediately I spent hours writing Arsling a letter. I promised her I’d stay out of her life and so far I’m doing just that. I wanted to give her a complete choice in the matter. I’ll probably never talk to her again and it sucks right now but I’m trying to make peace with it.

Then I had to hurry and provide offerings to the water spirits at the cove. I got ready at home and my moms helped me put some things together. This involves dressing up in jewelry (thanks Iva), nice clothing, makeup, and offering gifts. I basically turn into a hot wife or a sugar baby trying to keep their men happy. Except this is for my life and not just a gift in return. I originally promised them I would ask for additional powers to better protect the cove from the specific threat of the lineage of the fae king slayer. However that’s been handled, leaving me with borrowed powers.
I fear sometimes that if I fail as protector of the cove the spirits will strip me of my inhuman factors. I don’t know if those are the things keeping me alive. Basically, I worry constantly about appeasing them. And tonight was no exception. I’m thankful everything went well and because I got to them so quickly, they have allowed me to continue to explore magic. Maybe I could find some sort of security blanket in case something severs me from the water spirits?
I’ll admit dressing up was fun and I wish I could’ve shown Lezly or Iva or anyone really. It was fun to get the little attention I did from Didi when she showed up at the pool. It’s incredibly ironic that I was the last to realize that I wasn’t the only monster on campus but I’m the first to inform so many people of the current threats yet it’s still second hand info for me. I think some kind of information system streamlined to monsters could be beneficial if it could remain undetected to humans.

I want to pursue Melissa. I kissed her on New Years, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other when I stayed over at her place, and I think maybe she’d be open to something serious? We talk about a lot of stuff and I think I may be the only person she’s seeing in not a traditionally platonic sense. I’ve always found her beautiful and kind but … I just kept waiting for someone to come up to me and declare that they want me. But as proven by the last two times that’s happened maybe it’s not a sustainable wish? It’s ended in heartbreak twice.
I’m going to ask out Melissa. Maybe she’ll hate me or explain that she saw us cuddling and talking about our future as just platonic and doesn’t want anything further. I’d be okay with that and at least I tried. I just want someone who I feel safe with and I’ve always felt safe around her.

*The next section is a series of crossed out and scribbled rough drafts covering several pages. Finally, is the coherent handwritten copy of what was eventually typed out on a typewriter and delivered to Arsling’s mailbox. It arrives in the very early hours of March 19, 2021.*

To Arsling:
I am complicit in the terrible experience you recently endured.
I told her of your curse moments before I responded to your text informing me of your time with her. I told her in that moment that to prevent further tragedy this may be the only way for us to be safe. I may have not been the original person to give her the command but I gave her further incentive to pursue this option. I’ve been aware of almost every step after they were done.
I now know I took too long to discover potential alternative options. I informed her of my efforts to find ways around what became this tragedy but I know now that I’m too late.
I have no loyalties to her commander and I can’t speak for her. But I am sorry. I know that doesn’t change anything and I can’t ask for forgiveness because this is unforgivable. I know at the very least you deserve honesty.
My time with you that Saturday was honest and is still honest. My gift basket to you and wishes for your recovery were honest. My brother missing and spending time at home is honest but I refused your dates out of the realization and fear that I could be in danger around you.
Your current experience does not give me any relief and my original assumption was wrong. I fear for your well-being.
I can promise you the following if you desire: I can completely remove myself from your life. I can give you forthcoming total honesty for as long as you know me (through magic and or trust). I can promise that you’ll never be alone and always have a confidant.
I will maintain distance from you until you want to communicate with me in any capacity.
Indebted to you,
Burgundy

## S1E10 - Tricks of the Light

Content Warning: Self hate, guilt, fear, sex, and romance

March 20, 2021

Thankful thought of the day: Baby swim lessons

I think Mel was flattered that I wore her sweater to work today which made me happy. Apparently it made me smell like her.
Work was okay until I got a phone call I wasn’t prepared for. Arsling called to place an order. I processed it but she also wanted to talk. We talked after my shift and it went about as bad as I expected. I started bawling and had to leave.

There was a moment in our conversation where things felt comfortable and good but then they sense of security in our “friendship” immediately stabbed by the reminder of what she’s been- we’ve been going through. She said it herself, we both need time to heal. I don’t want to agree but rereading my journals, I can really see how I’ve been funneling my guilt into the idea of Arsling hating me as some kind of self served punishment. I’m going to keep my space and just try to listen to how I’m feeling instead of projecting my self hate onto someone else.

Turns out having a good sob is cathartic. I actually had a great rest of the day. Today was baby day at the swim classes. I did about five one on one lessons with toddlers and it was really cute the entire time. Most of the parents weren’t terrible. It was gross when one of them was in a normal diaper under their swim suit. But today I wasn’t put in charge of cleaning that up. If I had an aquatic nonhuman baby would I have to put it in a diaper when they’re in the water???

March 23, 2021

Thankful thought of the day: Melissa and smudge proof makeup

I feel like such a u-haul lesbian right now oh my god. Melissa agreed to a date with me. We saw an early showing of this queer artsy movie that she was talking about. It went really well!! People were talking almost the entire movie but that came in our favor when there was a super graphic and awkward sex scene. We kinda talked about insurance and the book store.

But then we kissed!! and then by the credits we made out. Then we just hung out the entire day.
We got lunch at the pizza place and it was sweet that she paid. Then we rushed back to work to get our hours in but it was a slow day of just restocking shelves for the most part. I think some of the other coworkers could tell something was up between us because we would just look at each other and then just start laughing.

We then closed down the store at the end of our shift and maybe made out again before grabbing a meal on campus. I then drove her to the cove. I think she’s the first person that I’ve taken there since starting college. I didn’t even take Justin or anyone else really. We spent the evening cuddled together in a hammock before I drove her home. The sunset was beautiful.

I love her so much I’m so gay wow. I mean she doesn’t know that and it was our first real date but I’m just really happy. It kinda feels like we’re making up for lost time. I feel so dumb for never asking her out after we kissed on New Years or even when I was staying with her a bit ago. Things feel so safe and so good in her arms.

I also bumped into Arsling. She was at the movies at the same time seemingly by herself. I freaked out at first and made Melissa move seats with me and she was so chill about it. But after the movie was done I gathered the courage to wave to her. She waved back. It was awkward but it’s a start.
I need to check in with Lezly soon because I just want to hang out with her. Maybe I can convince her to do a weekly beach trip or something?

## From March 25 to April 12

Content Warnings: Fear, references to missing family members, anxiety

Thankful thought of the day: Meditating before work with Melissa is wonderful; Beach trips with Pyrrha and Lezly have been amazing
I actually got to ask Lezly and Pyrrha to come with me to the beach. We made it an event. Lezly provided a picnic and Pyrrha showed me the current cut of the Salsa remix for the Hellfire Salsa charity event. It was such a lovely time. I even got us to take some artsy pictures while we were there in our human forms.
It was the first time for a lot of things. I got to know Pyrrha and she’s wonderful. I got to hangout with Lezly and kinda see her dynamic with some of her close friends. I got to have unfiltered conversations about being supernatural with people who specifically are tied to water. I even spoke underwater to someone that wasn’t a water spirit (that I am sworn to protect).
And I received my first non-familial “I love you”. I told Lezly that I love her. I genuinely do. She’s been immediately so kind and caring to me even before she knew I was supernatural. I don’t fully understand why she likes me so much but I’m glad the feeling is mutual. For now we’re friends and my love for her is mostly platonic. But we’re open to explore things more in the future, just when they’re less chaotic. I’m looking forward to dancing with her at the salsa. I also hope I get to see Pyrrha dance at the “deserving song” or whatever that means.
Lezly also offered me money to take care of me. I will accept it even though it feels weird to not fully work for it. I’ve definitely been offering to help her more with organizing her design catalogue, photography stuff, and I also helped her with putting together closets for the newest Hellfire members - which was an insane story to hear but I’m  just glad those three are safe.
And uh it was pretty cool that when I offered Lezly my jacket she accepted it. She’s been wearing it occasionally the past few days and it’s just pretty neat. I let her paint my nails black so it’s been fun hanging out with her. We’ve also been studying together and eating dinners together (sometimes Pyrrha accepts the offer) mainly because our grades suck but also because it’s nice not eating dinner alone in your dorm room.
Work and everything not monster has been fine.
Melissa and I have been spending quality time together in the mornings and it’s just so blissful. We meet up a couple hours before our shifts at work and cook breakfast together at her place or pick something up. If we’re at her place we cuddle and start the morning with whatever new coffee or tea we’ve found. If she comes by Hellfire, she normally picks up something and we water my plants in my room together. Besides the one tea she had a mild allergic reaction to, it’s been wonderful (a Benadryl took care of it and I took care of her that day, everything is ok).
Once we get to work if it’s an early shift and warm enough we will sit on the grass but for the most part it’s in one of our cars - we will sit and quietly meditate. Its a wonderful experience to just quietly focus on the sounds around each other. Mel prefers to hold my hand when we do but she also likes to distract me by poking me and stuff. After meditating we set our intentions and focus in on something positive in the bookstore, like our favorite pencil to use or the weird missing accent mark key on the front desk keyboard.
And yesterday Mel asked if she could call me her date mate. And I froze. She knows about Lezly and I’ve explained probably at nauseoum about how I feel about her in contrast to how I feel about Mel. She’s pretty cool about it. However, she does not know about the monster stuff yet. I really like Mel but I’m terrified about finding out that she can’t be with someone like me or worse is another Monster Hunter situation where it turns out I could be her prey. I mean, I know that’s a stretch and it does seem like she’s acquainted with the supernatural in maybe positive way ,,, it’s just hard to be vulnerable in an alterous partnership when I know there’s people I can totally be myself with.
She said I could take my time and we don’t need to lock anything down until I’m ready. But I know it must not be easy for her to since we’re together almost every day.
**March 31, 2021**
I spent the day helping Lezly and Flora and Pyrrha and Berry set up these three new students. Apparently they were basically kidnapped by the botanical garden and have no idea why they’re here. I feel really bad for them. On the side, I promised them that I’d help them get into contact with their families in case they ever wanted to go back to New York - their home. Their names are Red, Blue, and Green.
Red is super interested in the Environmental Club, which is super rad. It’ll be fun to have a monster friend with the group so I immediately helped him join. Dion aka Blue is so sweet and shy but loves dance, so I reached out to Dance Club and helped her become a member of that. Green aka Helia is so weird but very adorable. Xe was the most independent and found xyr own club and class interests almost immediately. Together they’re really cute. It’s nice seeing another ace queer platonic trio on campus.
I am a little worried, and they seem to share the sentiment, about how much control Hellfire has over them now. They were uprooted and vulnerable and taken in by this place that they don’t know.  But the hand feeding them is also aware of their powers, capabilities, and Helia’s interest in eating humans (I’m like 80% sure she read something about cannibals claiming that humans taste like pork and she’s just curious). I really hope they’re not exploited or asked to do anything that makes them uncomfortable.
As much as I appreciate Hellfire’s protection, it’s been pretty clear from day one that most of the people here directly benefit the sorority or Selene in some way - and I don’t know what happens when you refuse.
**April 4 - Easter**
Thankful thought of the day: Spending Vernal Equinox with Family and Friends
On a whim I invited Iva to join Melissa and I at my family’s Vernal Equinox celebration. It was great. It was nice catching up with a friend and having her meet Melissa and some of my family. All the food was great too. It was pretty cool to have Melissa help me out with the Easter Egg Hunt in the morning for all of the kids - she was so good with them. Iva arrived later and we all had a great time.
It was rough having the hole there without Morganite. I’ve started to research ways to contact them via magic. The private investigator reported back with nothing we didn’t already know. It’s so frustrating that he went missing. I feel so helpless with power that’s virtually unlimited. I just wish I knew what to do to bring him home or at least know he’s out there okay.
**April 12**
Thankful thought of the day: Dance Club accepting the offer to host dance lessons
I reached out to the dance club to start hosting dance lessons. So far it’s been pretty great. I’m really excited about everything! Lezly and Pyrrha helped me put together a little video and a post to promote it and it worked super well. My mom was also pretty impressed with the video so that made me happy too considering she’s a freaking ballroom legend. I even got Dion/Blue to help with running some of the classes since she’s a dance and choreography minor.
It’s also been overwhelming as heck and sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and explode. I’d love to just run away from everything one day and never look back. With the looming threats on campus it makes me more anxious and I think meditating with Mel is probably the only thing keeping me sane enough to pretend like things are okay. That and Lezly and Pyrrha and Iva and Didi and study groups and my family and okay I have a lot of love in my life from friends on and off campus that I’m incredibly thankful for. But still, I’m scared.

## S1E24: Trouble at the Hot Springs

Content Warnings: anxiety, overwhelmed

April 14, 2021
Thankful thought of the day: Mel accepting my surprise dinner and move night
I don’t think I’ve ever had a more batshit day. I met a magic user, a werewolf, a vampire, a ghost, and two water spirits. I want to run away.
Everything that went wrong, went wrong.
I tried to get into contact with Morganite via a spell and instead I got some kid named Colby. He was not kind, understandably so, and seemingly a ghost. I was not prepared for this in the slightest and it was an uncomfortable confrontation.
The environmental committee reported that inanely cold temperatures and off the scale pH readings were happening so I reached out to one of the newer members of the EC - Rhys - to come with me to go check it out.
Turns out Rhys and I are both Hellfires so that’s interesting. And I guess they have a history with the ghost Colby, enough to steal them away from the upset spirit of the hot spring.
The waterfall spirit believed that the hot spring spirit was kidnapped or forcibly taken from the spring. Sebastian, the one from SGA, and Lily (some werewolf I believe is dating Didi?) were also there checking out the cold temperatures.
I, of course, promised the spirit that I would do my best to find out what happened but she was impatient. It led to an altercation that transported Sebastian and I to the fae realm. It was beautiful yet so sorrowful. It appeared like the quiet after a war. When she was settled and I tried to commune with the hot springs spirit I suddenly found myself entangled in this web of magic. It was really trippy and hard to explain but Sebastain immediately freed me. I am thankful for that but he and Lily were just disastrous the rest of the time. I even yelled at them at one point but I do regret it and apologized with gift baskets. Sebastian is not someone I want to spend any more time around.
The amount of disrespect to these spirits those two had was unbelievable but I was somewhat complicit as I also had to to hex one of them later on. After my promise with the waterfall spirit was completed, I am left with a promise to the hot springs spirit. At her request, I am to find a way to free her. So, that is another thing I am going to be researching in my magic studies. I do regret leaving her lover my spell book but I do have other copies.
I was a mess when everything was done. I grabbed some takeout and then went straight to Melissa’s. She took me in and we had a good time at her place, it was wonderful and a lovely break from the shit that happened. We ate dinner together, watched a movie, and just cuddled. I want to tell her everything but I don’t know if it’s safe for her to know. I don’t care if she rejects me, but she deserves to know the truth soon.
I’ll fill in Lezly and Pyrrha this weekend when we head to the beach. I’m probably going to just swim out too far and lay down on the ocean floor until one of them yells at me to drive them home. I’m so tired.