Seymour

## A Simple Tapir

 Business
 Blog

**Seymour M. Tapiro** (Seymour Babyboy), a tapir who sells sands for disc shaped objects, made his first post on September 23rd, 2014. He Who Reaps The Dividend, Seymour plapped into the earliest point of actuality in the ancient days of long-past cosmoses. He has been known to tell amazing scary stories. Despite his diminutive size and poor grasp on reality, he seems to possess extraordinary power.

He takes the form/markings of a juvenile tapir, but his age is four of an as yet unspecified unit, though he has offhandedly remarked about being "Four Years Old." He has an innumerable amount of cousins. Upon being asked why he is smaller than his cousins, he responded with "Filled With Wise." He has a hatred for Danes.

Seymour is very outspoken in his support for American presidential candidate, Jill Stein. When he started receiving backlash for this viewpoint, he grew angry, attacking friends and foes alike with his political rhetoric. He is also devoutly Catholic.

On the 16th of February, 2017, in an event known as the Breach, Seymour was replaced by a doppelgänger, identical in appearance, but easily distinguishable due to its tendency to speak in perfectly grammatically accurate sentences as opposed to Sands Vernacular.

## History

*For a more thorough account of Seymour's history, visit his Youtube channel and watch the Four Dictums.*

### Events of the First & Second Dictums

#### **Creation and The Great Exhalation**

In the ancient days of long past cosmoses, Seymour was sprung into existence and immediately plapped upon the warm sands of a nameless place. As he gazed across his newly created realm, his first words were: "I Am He Who Reaps The Dividend; I Am Demiurge and Babyboy, Whose Power Is Without Measure, And I Am Just A Cute Little Creature And That Is Simply The Truth."

Following his self-proclamation, the stars dimmed and Seymour drew up innumerable forms from the sands, and said, "Look Upon Me, My Divine Retainers, And See My Little Rump And My Cute Snout. You I Have Named My Cosigns, And I Have Given To You A Portion Of My Power, That You May Serve Me Faithfully For Ages Unremitting."

Seymour then selected two of his cousins (Gerold and Giuseppe), named them his lieutenants, and granted them many exclusive powers. Drawing in a deep breath, he blew the Great Exhalation towards the center of Actuality and thus broadened his realm.

#### **The Good Ages Of Digging And Playing**

After the Great Exhalation, the Sands remained in this expanded state for some time. Seymour oversaw the construction of various things, including a great hole that rose from the Dunes. Seymour joined his cousins in settling there, digging a great number of palaces. This age is to be called The Good Ages Of Digging And Playing.

One day, Seymour witnessed cousins who worked without vigor, who played without gaiety, and became enraged. At the edge of his realm, he sculpted a dark sea. Upon its rocky shores he placed these cousins, condemning them to roll and mash without end.

#### **The Later Days Of The Good Ages Of Digging And Playing**

In The Later Days Of The Good Ages Of Digging And Playing, a light fell down from The Place-That-Is-All-Places into a distant and little-known land. At the landing site of this peculiar light he met a strange and unknown thing whom he conversed with. This being was Elmer; once discovering his identity, he said, "Now I Know Who I Am, I Am He Who Ushers In The Impulse To Exist; I Am The Intruding Presence And The Agitator-Of-Rule, And I Am Called Elmer."

Hearing this, Seymour replied, "Didn't Ask!" and returned to his hole.

Time passed, and Seymour's influence grew. By The Very Latest Years Of The Good Ages Of Digging And Playing, his vision and knowledge had begun to encroach upon Elmer's land. Seymour saw that Elmer had produced a collection of shapes and colors then unknown to him. Seymour told Elmer, "This Is My Home, You Baby Boy, And I Have Named It Jungle."

#### **Decimation Of Elmer's Jungle**

Seymour became enraged, striking at Elmer with One Thousand Immaterial Blades, desolating his jungle with a single Blistering Thought. Elmer fled, honking, into the farthest reaches of Actuality with his many nieces and nephews. Elmer consumed one fruit as he fled, stopping to defecate when he could flee no longer. From within his dung flowed a wide river, the fruit's seeds producing trees, and Elmer, along with his family, wove utterances into the leaves that Seymour and his cousins could not penetrate.

#### **The Truce**

Seymour emerged from a shimmering boundary and remarked to Elmer, "How Cunning You Have Grown! It Is The Boon Of Actuality That You Are Allowed To Persist." He then produced a license that read: "ELMER THE APE - FUNNY MONKEY - VENDOR OF FRUIT". Giving Elmer his vending license, Seymour added, "Do Not Think You Are Beyond Me." The license was then absorbed into Elmer's form, changing him.

### Events of the Third Dictum

#### **The First Mountain, The First Valley**

Proceeding The Good Ages Of Digging And Playing, an invisible and unknown force suddenly formed a bump in the Tegument of Actuality, which swelled into a wide mountain. Taking notice upon the mountain, Seymour struck at it with his tiny body and cleaved a valley from its shape.

#### **The Warden**

From within the valley came a cold breath, shortly followed thereafter by a great spout of water and ice. A voice spoke from the pit of the valley, "I Come From A Frozen Depth; I Am A Panaceum And A Warden, And I Am Called Horace." This entity rose up in the shape of a boar, and the earth of the valley was subject to an unmelting snow, which was parted by many streams.

Seymour and the being called Horace conversed; Seymour could not understand what Horace could possibly ward against, as there was no force more powerful than himself. Horace acquiesced to this parcel of truth, yet stated that Seymour may "nearly be defeated by a force of [his] own making." Seymour stamped his hooves at this irrefutable fact; existing Out-Of-All-Things and At Once Within Them, he knew this truth, though he preferred not to dwell on it.

#### **The Lesson**

Seymour agreed to teach Horace some Funny Tricks, so that he may ward with greater skill. Such items were included in the lesson:

1. Many Shapes of Great Power
2. Sharp-Edged Equations To Sever The Voices Of Certain And Uncertain Thoughts
3. Funny Words *(That Sublimate The Mind To A Single Blinding Point, Like A Star, But Not Unlike A Furious Scream)*

Horace graciously accepted these gifts of knowledge and power; however, during their conversation, many forms sprung up within the valley. Horace returned from his lesson to make unending war on the valley-forms. Among them exists two forms who could not and still cannot be ended by the boar; their names are Shaped-Like-You and Shaped-Unlike-You. Often, they flee into the sky to escape Horace's fury, passing through other spheres as fearsome sky-things.

## Monikers

* **Seymour Hamble Babyboy**
* **Arnold "Seymour" Babyboys**
* **“Seym ‘N Roll – Rock And Roll Animal”** (stage name)
* **Seymour M. Tapiro**
* **Little Boy Seymour M Babyboy Tapiro Huge Kicks Burrowing Fellow Big Brains Jefferson Buddha Tapir Esquire**
* **God**
* **Jerpin**

## Accomplishments

1. He has made at least one known trip to the moon.
2. Jill Stein has said he looks like Frank Sinatra, according to Seymour.
3. He owns Budapest, Hungary.
4. Seymour once signed the Declaration of Independence (however, a prankful gnome erased his signature soon afterwards).
5. He has convinced the President to visit his home and buy his sands.

## Trivia

* This is how to pronounce Seymour's name.
* Of the innumerable cosigns, Carthief Jupson is the worst.
* The 'M' in his name can stand for Master, My Name, M, or Name of Plums.
* These are his stats.
* Seymour often slaps his cosigns to consciousness in the mornings.
* He is the tooth fairy.