Friðr's Journal

Back to Boon.

## Blood on the Deck

S4E52 - Be.

2020, April 18
Heya journal,
I don’t remember if I used to address these things or not. It's been a minute. Sorry about that, but hey, things have been busy. I’ve got training with mom, schoolwork, Big Team, derby, lifting, and walking Brimstone, any other time I have I spend with Atlanta. It’s been a lot, and I haven’t really had time to journal. Also I… haven’t really felt like I needed to? I mean, things have been great! Mostly… I mean I’ve got Atlanta, and I’m on good terms with Noah now too, there’s some new people on the team who are really cool, I’m not dying anymore, I’m in the band again, I’ve come to terms with Carm and Ellen leaving, Kurt doesn’t actively hate me anymore. Everything *should* be fine but, I-
Carm said something that stuck with me, and like, she’s the sweetest and absolutely didn’t mean any harm by it but she joked about how if I didn’t keep it up she might replace me as the next Valkyrie. It was a completely benign joke but… I’ve been grappling with some imposter syndrome lately, and I haven’t really talked to anyone about it. My mom wasn’t around last fall, she wasn’t here to watch me… do all the things that I did.
My legacy isn’t inherited, it isn’t tied to my family innately. It’s more like a… family business… and part of me worries that if I’m not impressing my mom then she’s going to “hire” someone else. And like, my mom is wonderful and I doubt she’d ever do that but like, that doesn’t do anything to help my brain. There are times when, I’m gonna be honest, I don’t feel like I’m worthy of being a Valkyrie. It’s fucking hard and it’s just so much to keep up with, and I feel like if my mom had taken a second to talk to any of my friends she’d realize that they’re better qualified to take the mantle than I am and that makes me feel guilty… I thought I’d left all this sad-girl bullshit behind me, but I guess I’m still a bit of a messed up teen huh?
Anyway. Yeah uh. Life events. Things that happened. Uh, shit went down this weekend?
Lemme be a little more clear. There was a full-ass assault on Zodiac City. Like tanks, loader suits, soldiers… vampires… I ended up dealing mostly with the latter. Carm, Ellen, and I were staking out some apartment that we thought a vampire might live in when we noticed the zodiac shaking in the distance. I noticed the Millennium Dawn zipping through the streets and helicopters overhead and it was clear that something was up. I got a call from mom telling me to meet Noah at a medical depot to deliver some supplies to Zodiac City. I flew over while Ellen and Carm drove and we found Noah there with Monica Goldman, Belal Isar, and Aman! So you know, I was hyped as hell to get some Aman time in because he’s my bro and also because I was extremely eager to tease him over Melody.
Carm managed to actually carry most of the vans up to Zodiac City herself as a bat. I miss being able to fly like that. I mean, I still can fly but like, I’m not as strong as I used to be so I’m severely limited in what I can take with me. Plus, the wings were so coooollll. I feel like I can sympathize with Atlanta a bit better now that I’ve lost some powers. I mean healing is extremely useful, and Gwen did an amazing job with the spear. But my strength was a huge part of my identity. I mean it still is since I powerlift and stuff but like, I- I miss being able to throw cars and shit, what can I say?
Anyway we get everything up to Zodiac and accompany Drs. Parent as they provide first response throughout the city. And that’s when we come across the sneople. There was a snake transformed and their child who were trapped under a building. We got them out and noticed that the child had been drained of their blood and the mom had broken an arm. I asked Noah if I could help. I know he’s not like, super trusting of my powers but he let me tend to her arm, and I did it! I was so excited that I accidentally called Aman by name in front of Noah… oops. It was funny though because Noah mentioned something about not revealing people’s secret identities even though, like, c’mon dude I know what happened at the school in December, you’re not fooling me.
Anyway Belal is preparing an infusion for the snaby when we see Regina, from when we were rescuing Hero one and Demeter from Reaper One’s pockets. She ended up attacking Belal, but I Mr. Presidented him and got capri-sunned in his place. That made me pretty light headed so I’m glad the others rushed over to help out. She actually just kinda fainted on her own though, and we realized she needed blood. So we gave it to her… Belal was surprisingly cool with it too. Chatting with her revealed that Carm’s sire, Lucretia Edelgard was here. We left her with Belal and went to go investigate.
We found her base pretty quick and saw a bat perched outside. I managed to hit the mark with my spear and they transformed back into a vampire as they fell, which was great because if they were a real bat I would’ve felt, really bad. Anyway Aman snuck ahead while we tried to throw together some vampire disguises. I got a really cute illusion together when Aman sent us a video of Lucretia herself stepping on his phone… so yeah, cover blown. We made our way in and ended after blowing past a guard found ourselves on top of a catwalk above a summoning circle and Lucretia who was holding Aman by the throat.
Lucretia monologued about some bullshit at Carm, you know standard villain stuff. Aman punched her and broke loose and I sent a bunch of illusive copies down to throw her off. Ellen slammed down into the summoning circle and Carm beat the crap out of Lucretia. It was strangely easy to be honest.
Two of her goons got away but the other two yote Aman at one and I flew at the other and we took care of them. It was done…
We went back to check in on parents and to give Regina a lecture and a promise. I actually had to call my mom for this one for advice since like... I didn’t know what to do, do I just let this girl that attacked me and my friend’s dad and also my girlfriend go? I did though, and mom agreed. She was manipulated by Edelgard, and starved. And I know if Carm can find blood then she can too. I know that if I can show her that she doesn’t *need* to hurt people to survive then she won’t. I want to trust her, and I want to show her that I trust her by helping protect her.
Oh yeah. Also, uh. Aman wants to go on a double date. The last one didn’t go... Great… so I’m nervous. I’m sure this time will be fine though, I mean, what could go wrong? I made it clear that it will NOT be at funland after all.

## Someone's Missing

Time Passes (CW discussions of trauma and panic)

2020, May 8
Boon here,
You ever just feel stuck in your own body? Mounting pressures, building exhaustion, deadlines, trauma. It piles up and seeps its way into my head and into the knots in my back. It’s ironic kinda, spending so much time having to… um, share my body; only to feel the need to escape it. Speaking of existing in your own body I’ve been having trouble… with, well, controlling my breathing. When I think about what I went through, and about losing control, I start to hyperventilate, and I can feel my heart palpitating. Feeling like my body isn’t listening to me again only worsens things and… you get the idea.
My Mom found her old record player in the basement when she was packing to move here, told me I could use it. Music helps. I’ve been picking up vinyls lately in town, spending some spare cash at thrift stores. Occasionally I’ll splash out and buy a new pressing from the trendy record shop at the mall. I grabbed one a few weeks ago, a 2010 release. *Congratulations* by MGMT. I’m listening to it as I write this. It’s haunting, emotional, beautiful. It’s given me some ideas for songs. I mean, someone’s gotta write now that Ellen’s gone, and Gwen. I haven’t talked to Melody yet, we didn’t hold practice this week. Who even knows if the band exists now.
There’s a track on the record, Someone’s Missing. Fucking mood, a ton of people are missing from my life now. Ellen, Tay, Dad, Gwen. I forget who it was but someone once said “When someone leaves your life, those exits are not made equal”. Ellen helped make one of those exits happen, the good one. Maybe that’s why it feels weird to exist sometimes, maybe my body knows it’s not supposed to be here. Ellen and Carm weren’t *"supposed"* to be here and they weren’t supposed to save my life. But they were, and they did, and now they're gone. There’s a handful of messy holes left behind in a mind that remembers not being alone for even a second.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m happier than I’ve ever been now that I have my body entirely to myself, but. Maybe it’s her last act of revenge before my friends and I put her in the fucking ground. Making me feel broken. I don’t feel like I entirely own my body, even now.
Then there's the nightmare's. I still don't feel like I'm fully free of her. Because when I close my eyes to rest, and to relax my body and my mind I don't get that. Instead she's back, and I have to watch as my body hurts those close to me without being able to stop it. In the rare occasions that I recognize that it's a dream I can't wake up, she doesn't let me. And this time, my friends aren't here to save me. Sometimes Brimstone will lick me awake though, he's a good boy. Sometimes he'll comfort me when I'm having the breathing problems too.
So music and dogs, at least I know of some ways to make it more manageable, but that's not gonna cut it forever.
I’m gonna listen to the rest of this album and then I’m gonna call Atlanta. I need a hug right about now.

## Tall Tales

S4E72: Gate of the Dark Moon

2020, May 23
*CLANG*
Steel meeting steel fills the air of the lawn outside Shady Glen Manor as the two warriors are locked in furious battle. Friðr spins her spear around and hefts it in a wide arc at The Valkyrie, Maggie Ostenberg. With graceful timing the shaft of the spear meets Maggie’s armored boot and is pinned to the ground. A broadsword swings towards Friðr but is batted away harmlessly by her shield. Friðr puts distance between the two with a kick and then with a powerful leap flips over Maggie’s head, hefting her spear backwards on the landing with a smug grin, which quickly fades as she hears the familiar sound of a parry.
“Don’t get greedy blessin’ I’m not easy to fool.”
Friðr rolls to the right just in time to evade the crushing blow of a broadsword. She jumps back letting her cloak suspend her in the air out of her mother’s reach. She spins in midair launching gungnir with all of her might, she’s pushed backwards with a powerful ***CRACK*** as the spear breaks the sound barrier. Dust is kicked up and Friðr smiles, confident that she’s finally won a sparring match against her mentor. Once again her expression turns to panic as The Valkyrie emerges from the dust cloud holding the thrown spear in both hands, arms cocked back. With a powerful swing Friðr is spiked to the ground, her ear ringing from the impact.
“Uggghhhh. How the FUCK did you catch that?”
Maggie does a superhero landing next to Friðr “Darlin’ did you think you could trick me by keeping your powers a secret? This is a diviner you’re dealin’ with remember.”
“Okay got me there but like, that was easily over Mach 1”
“It was a wonderful throw dear, and I’m proud of you for it.” Maggie gets on one knee and pats the sprawled out Friðr on the head.
Boon sits up and opens her eyes to see two blurry moms smiling at her. She holds her hands up to her ears and with a golden light the dizziness begins to fade. “Thank the Gods I learned how to heal, that blow really stung” She grins “Nice one.”
Maggie extends a hand to her daughter and helps her back up to her feet. “I must say that was the most fun I've had sparrin’ with you in months. Seems to me you’ve moved on from being a little shieldmaiden.” Her eyes scan Boon up and down “Looks like you got a little bit taller too. That happened to me too when I got accepted as a Valkyrie.”
Boon’s eyes widen in surprise “Wait does that mean-?”
“Welcome to the legacy, junior Valkyrie.”
“Wait- junior?”
Maggie chuckles “You’ve got a long way to go. But getting a blessing of strength like this means you’re well on your way. Come on let’s go inside and have a chat.”

The two are sat down at the kitchen island with some freshly prepared post-spar protein smoothies as Maggie recounts the story of being accepted as a Valkyrie.
“It was certainly no easy task. Fenrir is massive as I’m sure you know. Chris was being pinned down and I was dead tired from the fight. But I knew that I had a job to do. I pushed through the pain and stood back up again. Reforging gleipnir had taken me months and I knew I only had one chance to get it right. I suddenly found myself stronger and faster than I’d ever been. And in a flash he was bound in magic silk, poor mutt barely knew what hit ‘im.”
Boon finishes taking a sip of her smoothie. “I don’t get why you didn’t just tell me that story when I called you lame as a kid.”
Maggie laughs “Well I did get the smug satisfaction of knowing how wrong you were.” She scratches the back of her head nervously “But uh, I don’t know I guess I didn’t really want to talk much about it when you were growing up. I guess I was worried if you knew I was a superhero you’d see me as some kinda larger n’ life figure instead of just your ma’. It sounds silly sayin’ it out loud.”
“I mean it should, that’s incredibly silly. But you know what, you’re valid. I mean like, we don’t always have the best reasons for keeping things a secret, but it’s your story to tell. You chose to be The Valkyrie just as much as I did, and you wanted to take a break from it to be a mom. And if you want my biased opinion, I think you did a pretty great job. I know this is kind of backwards but, I’m proud of you mom.”
Maggie holds back tears and clutches Boon’s hands across the table. “You know, I really do mean it when I call you my little blessin’. You bring me so much joy dear. Despite all the trouble you’ve gotten yourself into for as long as I can remember I’ve always been so happy to have you as a daughter.” She wipes away a tear. “Now, I think it’s your turn.”
Boon wipes away tears of her own and grins. “Oh yeah! I’ve got some of my own tales of mythic might to share now. So, I’m like- two for two on demon fighting now for starters.”
“‘Atta girl”
“Mayor Crisp told us about this suburban house that had some kinda abyssal barrier around it. Big surprise, the cops were absolutely stumped. Anaya, Renata, Challenge, and I made our way over there and snuck our way past some of those autonomous armors the cops have been using. Anay held the barrier open for us with some difficulty but we got through. When we entered the house I felt really drained as though it was warded, but we still managed to fight off some imps no problem. Challenge even managed to snag one of their pitchforks”
“Ah, the Gillette school of polearm design. I find one prong’s plenty to get the job done.”
“Don’t let Anaya catch you saying that! She loves her trident. Anyway, we found this detective that was trying his best to seem like a new recruit to the Black Magic Club, this club of magic wannabees run by some asshole calling himself ‘Vic Toxic’, which is a pretty accurate name. Anyway he tells us that Greta and Cambria, two of the members are trying to do a summoning ritual, a big one.”
“Great, more idiots who think they can bind demons to their will.”
“Mom!!!”
“Sorry sweetie, we both know that wasn’t you or your father’s brightest idea.”
“I mean yeah but you don’t have to keep bringing it up” Boon pouts.
“Don’t give me those puppy dog eyes! Fine have it your way, on Freya I will refrain from bringing it up and I apologize.”
“Hmmph fine. Anyway we went upstairs and Challenge started calling Greta an idiot for summoning a demon. Which, again, kinda stings.”
“Blessin’ I said I was sorry!”
“You’re fine mom! I’m just messing with you. Anyway she didn’t really take it to heart, so I took a nicer approach and told her my story. Told her what happened to me, what- nearly happened to me. I found it a bit easier to share when it came to warning someone else, but it still dredged up some painful memories.” She falls silent for a moment.
“We went downstairs and found Cambria. She was apparently summoning this abyssal demon- pleb-lord or something. She wanted to learn some info on the seekers, you know the ones run by Cypher’s mom.”
“Yeah I’ve heard of ‘em, they’ve been causing quite the stir in Halcyon lately.”
“Anyway we just told her all we knew so she didn’t have to deal with that abomination, and that’s when he-” Boon’s breathing begins to pick up a bit.
“Hey darlin’ it’s okay. You don’t have to share this if you don’t want to.”
“I’m- I’ll skip some of the details. I got a bit fight or flight for a moment. My body chose fight. I was terrified, more than I’ve been in a while. And part of me wanted to run right then and there. But a louder part of me wanted to kill. Wanted to deliver divine retribution to this abomination that was preying on teenagers and messing with peoples’ heads. I couldn’t stand to let a monster like that go back to where it came from just to harm the next person who thought it would be a good idea to summon it. I had to kill it, my whole mind and body wanted me to kill it. I was shaking.” Boon feels her heart palpitating and the walls of the room feel as if they’re closing in around her.
Maggie briskly moves to the other side of the island and gives her daughter a firm hug. “Shh it’s okay. It’s over now, you’re okay”
Tears escape Boon’s eyes as she lets herself relax in her mother’s arms. “I’m sorry Mom. I don’t- I need to be stronger.”
“Barbara Eriksdotter Ostenberg I will not allow you to speak this way about yourself. There is no shame having trauma. You’re the second strongest person I know, inside and out, and I want you to forgive yourself.” she brushes Boon’s platinum hair out of her eyes. “We can take a break if you’d like.”
“I- the hard part’s over. The rest is pretty cathartic… thank you, mom.”
“What kinda mother would I be if I didn’t support you through this kind of thing. I’ll always be here for you.”
Boon hugs her mom tighter for a moment and then lets go “Anyway, we fought the thing, all of us. It dragged us to some sort of… you know that game I used to play? The one where you’re a hunter and you-”
“Oh yeah Bloodborne” Maggie interrupts. ”Sorry I’ve… you left the PS4 at home when you moved to Halcyon and I got curious one day...”
“Wait. Did you bring it up with you when you moved here?”
“Well yeah…” she scratches the back of her head. “But you never asked for it back”
“Mom!”
“Well that’s just another excuse for you to swing by the apartment!”
“Ugghhh, you’re such a gremlin, but you have a point. Anyway, yeah it sorta looked like a darker version of the Rom boss arena. Just- less spiders thankfully. We were fighting it for like, a really long time, it was tough as hell and had a LOT of tentacles. It ended up poisoning Renata and um… Anaya got turned against us. I healed Renata to the best of my ability and Challenge snapped Anaya out of it. Greta and Cambria made a portal out for us but I- I wasn’t finished.”
She pauses for a moment and the smiles. “It was kinda like you with Fenrir. I felt strong, fast, powerful. Like this monster was just a speck beneath me, like it’s danger was all just a facade that would crumble away under the might of a true Valkyrie. I flew around it, faster than I ever have and cut deep with my spear. Each time I hit it a glimmering golden thread attached to it, binding it in an ethereal net which got smaller and smaller and smaller… and then it vanished. I don’t know if I killed it or banished it but, I don’t think we’ll be seeing it ever again. And I think Cambria or Greta will think twice next time they try to summon something without me around.”
Maggie’s jaw drops “Holy shit…”
“Right!? I had no idea I could do that!”
“Blessin’... that’s badass.” she gives Boon a noogie “I didn’t know I raised such a fearsome lil’ demon slayer!”
“Moooom stop ittttt!” Boon protests.
Maggie complies, laughing as she does so. “Well. If I were a deity in charge of given’ you superpowers I would say you certainly earned ‘em. I’m proud of you dear.” Maggie’s face lights up “Oh! Speaking of pride. You got a letter in the mail this morning.”
Boon’s eyes widen “Is it!?”
“It’s from West Halcyon Medical School.” she procures a large envelope from her duffel bag on the floor. “It’s up to you if you wanna open it.”
Boon grabs the envelope excitedly. “As much as I want to open it with Noah around I don’t think I can wait.” She carefully opens the envelope and pulls out an official looking piece of paper. Upon reading it tears begin to form in her eyes. “I… I did it… I got in!! I’m going to college!!! Mom I did it!”
“I knew you would sweetie, despite how much of a- what are they calling it these days? Despite how much of a herbo you are, you're a bright kid and you work hard. You’re gonna do great there.” Her expression grows stern “Now don’t think this means you can start slacking on school you hear me? Also you should give Noah a call when you get a chance, give him a proper thank you.”
“I think I’m gonna tell him and Atlanta in person. Am I dismissed from training?”
Maggie grins “Well I did have some shield techniques I wanted to go over... but I suppose you can take the rest of the day off blessin’” she winks.
Maggie is barely finished her sentence before Boon throws her shoes on and runs out the door. “I’ll see you later mom!”
Maggie smiles as her daughter rushes out the door. “They grow up so fast…” She pulls out her cell phone and pulls up a text conversation with Helen Welles.

## Vincible

S5E16: Run Boy Run

2020, September 5
September 5, 2020
Hey journal. Been a minute. I uh, I noticed the last time I wrote anything in here was when I got my strength back the last time… just a bit of cruel irony there I guess. Anyway yeah. I uh, I lost my powers. All of them. I can still fly since that’s not a power that’s just the cloak but… Yep, healing, strength, speed, beauty, all gone.
This isn’t the first time I’ve lost my powers but like, losing them after just having gotten them back is like a kick in the face. It’s also made me realize that I actually only have one power that I care about. I just want my healing back. Honestly he could’ve taken all of the others if I could just keep the healing. I risked my life to gain the ability to use that and I’ve spent months mastering it. I planned on spending *years* learning its secrets and seeing if I could teach it to others safely, and now all of that has been ripped away from me.
My future is just… so uncertain now. Like everything was so clear before, and now I don’t even know if I want to do med school? I’m at least hoping that we can find a way to fix this. Although, as much as I want to just hope that we’ll find a way to get it back I think I need to find a way to like, cope with the possibility that I won’t. I just feel so… fragile now. Like it’s not even just losing my strength and being like, physically vulnerable. When my friends helped me break free from… her... I felt invincible. I felt strong. I felt like nothing could ever bring me down. Even if I get my powers back nothing will ever bring that feeling back. I feel vulnerable, violated. And if I don’t, sure I can still learn how to fight and be a Valkyrie and be strong without them but like, I miss feeling untouchable.
Anyway, hey talking about uncertainty… Um. I don’t know how to put this into words very well. I’ve realized that I’m not sure I’m a girl. I don’t know what I’d be if not a girl though? I mean, obviously I have non-binary friends like Ryan, or Maria, or Lavish, but they’re all so different and I don’t feel like I’ve questioned myself enough to know what labels fit me? I’ve been afraid to talk to people about it, like there’s the girls from the band and like, can I still be in the band if I’m not a girl? I don’t want to make them change the name. Also like, I’m nervous to talk to my Mom since like, we’re Valkyries and Valkyries are supposed to be women right? And and like, Atlanta and I are lesbians I guess, so like, do we have to change our labels if I’m not a girl? I just, I know that all of them are going to tell me that I’m overthinking things and that I can identify however I want and take all the time I need to figure things out but it still makes me nervous to bring it up. I’m not used to feeling vulnerable like this. And for once I’m actually worried about asking people to accommodate me, which is weird!?
I feel like I need to talk to someone about it, maybe Ryan? I just, a lot of things have started to almost click for me I think and I need to find a way to put it into words. Like, I don’t think I’ve ever really identified super hard with womanhood? I just kind of accepted it, like a gift that I had to pretend that I liked. I’m also realizing that this is probably related to why I hate my given name so much? I had been thinking of wearing a binder with my last hero costume, the tux? But I decided not to since it's difficult to exercise in those I’m pretty sure, and somehow I just never thought anything of that? I don’t know it seems so obvious, I’m not sure why it took until now to realize this. Maybe since I’m already doing so much introspection today I finally realized it.
In more lighthearted news, I have an anniversary coming up! Atlanta and I are going to have a nice dinner together, but before we do that I told her I had a surprise for her. My Mom and I looked over some maps of the nine realms and found the *perfect* hiking spot. It’s in the wilds of Vanaheimr, there’s a meadow a few miles out from one of the major cities and it has enough residual power to tune the bifrost to it, then it’s just a short hike through the woods to a fjord overlooking a harbor, if we time it right we’ll get there by sunset. It’s perfect. I can’t wait for her to see it.