Burglar X

***Burglar X*** is an episode of Just Bad Games, released on June 7, 2019. It is notable for being the first episode in the series.

## Transcript

**Shane**: *Burglar X*. When you read this title, you're probably thinking-

*(1. You steal stuff.)*

the game is about burglaring.

*(2. There are like '9' other games they made before this.)*

The game is the tenth in a series of burglaring games. Well, you would be wrong on both counts. This was a game that was released in arcades in 1997 from a Korean developer known as UNICO. In the game, you control one of two characters: Guksoon or Gukjung. The only difference between the two characters is that one uses a giant mallet to attack enemies, while the other smacks those enemies with his forehead-

*(Shane grunts as his character attacks an enemy)*

-which is probably why he has bandages up there, because quite obviously, he has a concussion.

**Gukjung**: Why does my brain feel hurty?

**Shane**: As soon as you start the game, both characters have masks on their faces and money bags on their backs, but at no point do they ever steal anything, which means they really aren't burglars. So why are they carrying around money bags? Well, throughout the levels that you play, you'll find giant floating dice, and if you hit those dice when they're rotating on a very high number, you will have a higher chance of getting more coins. But sometimes, just to mess you up, the coins won't always be coins- they'll be bombs, causing you to lose some health. But of course, this is an arcade game, and they can't just have you sitting there constantly waiting for "6" to appear, so they throw a bunch of enemies at you. Enemies like: Bad Cop-

**Bad Cop**: Yo.

**Shane:** Bomby.

**Bomby**: Kaboom!

**Shane**: Mafia.

**Mafia**: Ciao.

**Shane**: Yangachi.

*(Yangachi yells)*

Propeller Man.

**Propeller Man**: I'm a helicopter!

**Shane**: Stone Head.

**Stone Head**: Let's rock!

**Shane**: And of course, everyone's favorite, P-09!

**P-09**: I was a pinball table until they gave me life.

**Shane**: These are their actual names. This colorful cast of characters lives in the most mind-numbingly repetitive levels I have ever seen. Look at all of these assets being reused again and again. I mean, how many stop signs do you ACTUALLY need?

Oh, but there's more to be seen, for every level has one shallow traffic light matching puzzle. All you need to do is match the lights with the colors that you have on the top of your screen, and should you do it correctly, magic happens. "Come one, come all to our picture-matching bonanza! That's right, we played *Super Mario Bros. 3* and ripped it off wholesale, 'cause we have absolutely no dignity! You know what this game is, and we don't need to explain it to you, but if you can't figure it out, match up the pictures, dum-dum, and get a bonus. And if you think we're completely shameless already, a-ha! We could do worse! Here's a gal in a compromised position with some of her clothes peeled back"!

*(The girl in the puzzle blinks)*

"But hey, don't you worry your pretty little head over trying to match all these here pictures, Jack, 'cause we're gonna throw every one of the enemies at you at all times. You'll never be able to match up these stupid lights unless you're willing to-"

**Gukjung**: **DIE FOR IT.** (evil laughter)

**Shane**: Yeah, that's right, you're gonna be way too busy trying to stay alive with foes respawning constantly all around you. Now, to get rid of these enemies, you've got three basic attacks. We already talked about the mallet and headbutt one, but you also have the ability to drop a bomb down. But the other attack is really, really special. You ***fart on people.***

*(Fart sfx)*

That's right, folks. Run around the stage and crop-dust your enemies into stunned silence.

*(Fart sfx)*

There's no limit on any of the physical attacks, so you can just gas away.

**Gukjung**: *(with fart sfx in the background)* That went too far!

**Shane**: In my opinion, the best method of attack is to lay down a bomb and fart on it. That way, when one of the enemies runs after you, they get disgusted and they blow up.

*(Fart, then explosion)*

This game seems to be completely focused on your gaseous abilities, and let me tell you, the stench gets a whole lot worse when you get to the bosses. How do you beat them? No, I'm **legitimately asking you** how do you beat them? This game does not teach you what to do in the boss battles. I did all the farts. Big ones, small ones, silent ones. You name it, nothing seemed to work. That's because all these boss battles don't build on skills that you learn through regular play. What you're supposed to do is just randomly figure out to headbutt a bomb so that it hits the boss. They never teach you that anywhere! Imagine making a game that is so bad that your central attack- a fart- is so useless that you have no way of incorporating it into the boss battles that you designed. It's like not being able to jump in a *Mario* game when you get to a boss! It's just idiotic!

Clearly, the developers didn't want to spend a lot of time with this game, and you know what? Neither do I. *Burglar X*: **IT'S JUST BAD**.