Nighthogs

(06:50 A.M. (08:50 in Illinois), Tuesday, June 10th, in 809 Hearst-Vallias Lane, Pearlswood, San Marino, California, an 22 year old male named Ryan Schwartz is having an conversation with his cousin on the phone, and then hangs up after 3 minutes of talking)

**Ryan Schwartz** (thinking): *I feel like somethings missing, but I can’t place my finger on it.*

(Suddenly, Ryan realizes what it is, and panics)

**Ryan**: *OH **SHIT!!***

**Patrick Morrison** (walking inside the family room): *What is it, Ryan?*

**Ryan***: I’M SUPPOSED TO GO TO JOE’S ROASTERY FOR MY FIRST DAY AT WORK! IM GONNA BE LATE!!*

(Ryan then runs to his car, and then drives to Joe’s Roastery, It’s a 20 minute drive not counting the traffic. Ryan parks in the parking lot and puts on his uniform inside the car, and then walks inside Joe’s Roastery)

**Gareth “Gary” Hagen** (Ryan’s boss): *You’re ten seconds late. **TEN FUCKING SECONDS!***

**Ryan**: *I’m sorry, sir. I forgot today was my first day.*

(Gary then lectures Ryan for three minutes when Alexander Burke (Ryan’s best friend) walks inside)

**Alexander Francis “Alex” Burke**: *Hey, Gary! Did you get my job application yet?*

**Gary**: ***I GOT IT THREE DAYS AGO, YOU DISGRACEFUL PIECE OF SHIT! AND TODAY IS YOUR FIRST FUCKING DAY AT WORK!***

**Alex**: *Can you tell me what the rules are?*

(a few minutes later, after Gary tells both Ryan and Alex the rules of working at Joe’s Roastery, Gary tells both of them one last rule)

**Gary**: *……And one last thing, both of you, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you slack off or* (Gary directs his vision towards Alex) *masturbate or piss into ANY of the cups. Because if you do, both of your asses are fucking* (suddenly yelling at both Alex and Ryan) ***FIRED!** Got it?*

**Ryan and Alex** (nervously): *Got it.*

(Gary then walks Ryan and Alex to the cashier and tells what their job is at Joe’s Roastery)

**Gary**: *Ryan, you’re the one that places the order. Alex, you’re the one who makes the coffees.* (talking to Alex) *Do you know how to work with the machinery that makes coffees, do you?*

**Alex**: *Yes, I’ve worked at a Starbucks during my senior year in San Marino High.*

**Gary**: *Good. Get your ass over there and wait for Ryan to tell you what to do.*

(Ryan walks to the cashier and sees an empty tip jar. Alex walks into the coffee maker and notices a average sized guy named Harry who’s been working at Joe’s Roastery for 7 years. Suddenly, an tall figure walks inside the coffee shop, it is Anthony Schwartz (Ryan’s older brother) and then walks up to Ryan and then asks him something)

**Anthony**: *Bro, is it your first day at work? If I were working at this place I’d probably get fired on purpose because of Mr. Hagen’s behavior-*

**Gary**: ***RYAN, WHY THE FUCK IS YOUR USELESS BROTHER HERE!?***

**Ryan**: (thinking) *This isn’t going to be good.*

(Meanwhile at 809 Hearst-Vallias Lane, Pearlswood, San Marino, California, Jason Garett (one of Pig’s friends) has brought over two of his friends, Tyler Jones and Victor Benson over to Pig and Ryan’s home and are talking about something)

**Jason Garrett**: *What!? You want to make a posse with the four of us? Are you serious about that?*

**Pig***: Yes. I’m sick and tired of being called a loser. Also, if we are in a posse, People are gonna think we’re cool.*

**Victor Benson**: *What are you gonna call it?*

**Pig**: *I’ll call it…The **Super Terrific Dudes.***

**Jason** (suddenly excited): ***DUDE, THAT’S A REALLY COOL NAME FOR A POSSE!!***

**Tyler Jones**: *Wait a second, we need some clothing to look cool, and the acronym for the name is “STD”.*

**Jason**: *Who cares? Let’s go and buy some clothing!*

(Jason, Pig, Tyler and Victor rush to a nearby Walmart and buy three golden tuxedos and sunglasses, and head for the nearby club, Jason walks towards the bouncer, who’s Frankie Schwartz, Ryan and Anthony’s older brother)

**Frankie**: *I need to see some ID.*

(Jason shows his Drivers ID to Frankie, and Frankie is unamused, and spits on Jason’s face)

**Frankie**: (smirking) *Nice try, asshole, but you’re gonna need more than that to get inside this club, you wouldn’t get into it even if I wasn’t the bouncer-*(Jason kicks Frankie in the groin)-***GAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! SON OF A BITCH!!***

**Jason**: *I took care of the bouncer! The coast is clear!*

(Victor, Tyler and Pig follow Jason into the club, and then order a few shots of alcohol, with Victor puking after 23 shots of vodka, and then Tyler notices a tall burly guy walking towards them)

**Tyler**: *Guys, we have company.*

**Pig**: *Let me take care of this.*

(Meanwhile, at Joe’s Roastery, Ryan is waiting for customers after Gary kicked Anthony out, and then a red-headed woman walks inside, Gary doesn't know who it is, but Ryan does)

**Ryan** (surprised): Samantha Feldman?!

**Samantha** (Also surprised): Ryan Schwartz?!

**Both Ryan and Samantha**: *I HAVENT SEEN YOU IN SIX MONTHS!*

**Gary** (angry): ***WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE THE CUSTOMER’S ORDER AND TELL THE PERSON WORKING THE COFFEE MACHINE THE ORDER!! NOT TALK WITH THE FUCKING CUSTOMERS!!***

(Gary walks back into the coffee machine to lecture Alex and Harry about how to work the coffee machines)

**Samantha**: *So, how have you been?*

**Ryan:** *After graduation, both me, Patrick and Anthony moved into a new house after purchasing it. When we got there, we spent three months cleaning the damn house so we could relax in it. How about you?*

(Meanwhile, outside the strip club, Anthony is walking towards the entrance, when he notices Frankie on the ground, groaning in pain)

**Anthony**: *Frankie, what the hell happened to you?!*

**Frankie**: ***SOME ASSHOLE KICKED ME IN THE FUCKING NUTS! YOU BETTER FIND THE GUY WHO DID IT AN’ THROW HIS ASS OUT!***

(Anthony walks into the strip club, and notices that Pig is still talking to the big guy, he notices Jason Garett and walks up to him)

**Anthony**: *Hey, are you the one who kicked my brother in the balls?*

**Jason**: *Wait, that was your brother? Of-fucking-course I did. What about it?*

**Anthony**: *He told me to kick you out of the club, but I don’t think I have the authority to do so.*

(Anthony starts walking back to the entrance when Jason yells for him)

**Jason**: *Tell Frankie he deserved to be kicked in the nuts for me!*

**Anthony**: *I will!*

(Meanwhile in Joe’s Roastery, Ryan has his first customer, a fat balding guy named Robert Johnson, who’s Ryan’s next door neighbor)

**Ryan**: *May I take your order?*

**Neighbor Bob**: *Can I have a tall dark coffee with no sugar?*

(Ryan writes the order and gives it to Alex, alex rushes to the coffee machine and makes the coffee ordered by Neighbor Bob, and gives it to him)

(Neighbor Bob flips Ryan off, and leaves without tipping Ryan. Before Ryan can react however, nine customers walk in the coffee shop and begin giving their orders to Ryan, Ryan tells both Harry and Alex to finish the orders. Two minutes later, the restaurant is bristling with activity, when another customer comes inside. It’s Alex’s brother, Justin (AKA Alphonse). Alphonse places an order for an grande coffee and a small lemonade)

**Ryan**: *Alex, Your brother placed an order.*

(Alex makes the coffee and then grabs a lemonade cup and then goes to the bathroom and pees in the lemonade cup and gives it to Alphonse, Alphonse drinks the whole thing before spitting it out in disgust)

**Alphonse**: ***WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU PUT IN THIS LEMONADE?!***

**Alex**: *I pissed in the cup. It’s payback for stealing my wallet.*

(Alphonse storms out of the coffee shop, and then Gary starts freaking out and runs towards Ryan)

**Gary**: ***RYAN! WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!***

**Ryan**: *Mr. Hagen, what is it?*

**Gary: *I FORGOT TO TELL THE OTHER WORKERS THAT THEIR SHIFT’S START RIGHT NOW! YOU AND ALEX’S SHIFTS JUST ENDED!***

(Gary phones the other workers and they obey and go to Joe’s Roastery, and they start their shifts immediately, Ryan and Alex get ready to leave and head to Paul’s Diner)

**Alex** (exhausted): *What a day! We spent three hours serving seventy-eight people their coffees!*

**Ryan** (ditto): *If this is what working at a coffee shop like, then I dread our shifts on Friday and next Monday.*

**Alex**: *What?*

**Ryan**: *We work on Monday, Tuesday and Friday.*

**Alex**: *Why didn’t Mr. Hagen tell us about that!?*

(Alex and Ryan walk in and take a seat in one of the tables in which David Benowitz, Paris Gregory “Goat” Wiles and Anthony Schwartz are already sitting in)

**Anthony**: *Hey, Ryan. How was work?*

**Ryan**: *It was extremely exhausting. We spent 2 hours trying to learn the basics of working at a coffee shop, and three hours giving coffees to almost eighty customers. Tony, how was your day?*

**Anthony**: *Jason Garett kicked Frankie in the balls after Frankie almost threw Jason out, and Uncle Harry’s car broke down and we had to call Leonard to come and fix the car.*

**Paris Gregory “Goat” Wiles**: *Can you two quiet the fuck down? I’m trying to listen to the news!*

(Ryan notices that Pig is talking to one of his neighbors, James Stone, who looks really, really down in the dumps)

**Pig**: *Neighbor Jim, you look depressed.*

**Neighbor Jim**: (gloomily) *I FUCKING AM. I wanna quit my job, but I can’t because it’s my family’s only income and I’m $4,000 in debt.*

**Pig**: *How about you take a job dressing up as an grapefruit and proclaiming it’s “Jim The Grapefruit Day!”? I’d be like “Yay! its Jim The Grapefruit Day!”!*

(Neighbor Jim still looks depressed, it didn’t cheer him up any. Alex suddenly walks up to Pig)

**Alex**: *Hey, Pig, can you, me, Ryan and Katie go grocery shopping? I’m almost out of food in the fridge.*

**Pig**: *Okey-dokey!*

(02:13 P.M. 1 hour and 12 minutes later, Alex, Ryan, Katie Yokobori (Alex’s girlfirend) and Pig are paying for their groceries)

**Cashier**: *That’ll be $453.53 and 245 pounds of pork and bacon.*

**Kaitlyn Yokobori**: ***WHAT!?!** You can’t do that!*

**Cashier**: *Whatever. Just pay the $230 dollars and get the fuck out.*

(They drive back to their houses, and Ryan and Patrick lie down and prepare to rest when Anthony knocks on the door)