Episode 5

## Episode 5: Drugs and Alcohol

{{ #NewWindowLink: https://soundcloud.com/jenkirkman/drugs-and-alcohol |Episode Link}}

## Summary

Jen sits in bed to talk to you about why she never tried drugs, a good hospital experience, learning how to get drunk by trial and error and corrects some pretty weird facts from past episodes.

## Notes

**0:00 - 2:12** Jen starts by saying that she has her first retraction and correction to make. She was thinking of the song September (which she never needs to hear again) when she said she was playing the Solid Sound Festival, when in fact it is in June.

**2:12 - 5:00** Jen issues another retraction for Episode 3; her dentist was the one who didn't think she was funny and not her childhood friend. She imitates her mom telling her that her dentist really *did* love her show. Jen doesn't know who to believe. She wonders if her dentist a sociopath.

**5:00 - 8:51** Jen issues another retraction for Episode 4 about who painted her mother's hot Jesus painting. She finds out her mother listens to the podcast. Jen says her family is Catholic and German. She talks about shooting dicks.

**8:51 - 9:03** Jen gives a shout out to the prisoners at Walpole State Prison.

**9:03 - 15:18** Jen gets into the weeks podcast subject, drugs and alcohol. She says she's really never done a drug in her life but she smoked pot in college. When she was 8 she thought 'smoking pot' was when you steamed your face over a pot of boiling water on the stove, which she used to do. She got in trouble in 3rd grade for wearing a Jimi Hendrix headband, because it was "a drug thing". In 6th grade she asked for roach clips for Christmas.

**15:18 - 21:46** Jen had her first sip of beer (Coors Light) when she was 7. She had 3 sips of a Bartles and Jaymes wine cooler in High School. She had her first kiss, that she counts, at 14. She doesn't count a kiss from 6th grade. She tells a story about a boy that dumped her and about how she didn't know what to do with boobs.

**21:46 - 30:10** Jen drank in college but didn't know how to mix a drink properly so she threw up a lot. She thinks she's immune to pot, but doesn't want anyone to write her any letters about it. She tells a story about a 5th grade (possibly) school assembly where they told them not to do drugs because {{ #NewWindowLink: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Len\_Bias%7CLen Bias}}, of the Celtics, just died from doing cocaine. She makes up sports stats and then rants about the 2004 World Series. She says she has never done cocaine.

**30:10 - 34:28** Jen tells a story about thinking her friend in High School was going to die because he smoked pot. She smoked cigarettes and drank coffee because she thought it was intellectual. She threw up once from smoking too many cigarettes. She tells a story about her dad busting kids for drinking on the golf course.

**34:28 - 39:15** Jen tells a story of having her tonsils taken out at 21 years old. Her boyfriend and her dad had a fight in her hospital room about President Reagan and food stamps. She was on Demerol and kept a journal of her thoughts while she was on the drug, but they were illegible.

**39:15 - 43:00** Jen tells a story about eating too many jell-o shots and passing out at a comedy party in college. She took a pair of fat jeans from her crush and wore them with a belt. She gives her young self some advice about guys. Jen says John Travolta was hot during Welcome Back, Kotter.

**43:00 - 47:15** Jen talks about LSD and how it used to be used in psychiatry. She says it is the one drug she would like to try, as prescribed by a doctor. She doesn't understand why people do shots to get drunk faster.

**47:15 - 47:45** Jen tells her mom not to call her and yell at her about drugs.

**47:45 - 47:57** Jen gives some shout outs and some RIP's

**47:57 - 50: 08** Plugs and thank you's.

## Quotes

"I used to give myself home facials when I as 8 because I was very concerned with always looking young."

"When I knew I didn't know how to do sex I made it 'a thing': *I'm celibate like Morrissey*." (as a teen)

"When guys talk to me about sports and I go, *"I loved the year the Red Sox won the World Series, it was really wonderful*" they're like, "*Yeah, but you don't know the IBS on the 2.9 of the free throw yard line*". I'm like, but I don't wanna sound like I have some weird, you know, OCD where I read phone books."

"The freaky kids used to hang out at a gazebo on the outskirts of the football field, it was *very* visually poetic, right? All these kids wearing black and combat boots, you know, they've got their boomboxes playing The Clash, we're all hanging out - I wasn't trying to describe Say Anything but that movie was accurate for a reason."

"We WILL see Armageddon in our lifetime."