Episode 94

EDIT

B&D are back from christmas. dylan tries to do the topic of zoos, broti discussses the history of new years resolutions. i completely forgot how to do this so i am relearning how to use this wiki, sorry

recapped by Kevin on 1/12/2023

## Episode Summary

### Introduction

* "Worse than ever we've emerged" - B&D cannot figure out who is recording
* Dylan went to see The Nutcracker and wanted all one hundred kids dead
* Broti admits she does not know the story of The Nutcracker
	+ Dylan shares how little story there is - an eccentric toymaker crashes a christmas party, gives a girl a nutcracker, waves a wand around, and the lead girl either shrinks (a real "Honey I Shrunk The Kids") or everything gets bigger (a real "Honey I Blew Up The Kids"), she then fights the Rat King, and it all ends with a banquet
	+ The true lesson of The Nutcracker is to check your kids Halloween candy
* Dylan admits she would "give it all away" to be a snowflake in the dance of the snowflakes, promising to kill Devon and Broti
* Dylan shares a Ty Burr quote that sums up how we all feel about Lecture Hall
* Dylan says she did tourist stuff in the city of dreams, Broti went to Chicago, another city of dreams
* Dylan makes an amazing Cozumel joke
* Broti, who is not a minor, is mystified by what two separate airlines think is her relationship to Greg
	+ Thankfully one TSA agent recognizes Broti from the Speechless season 3 writers room
	+ Broti admits her Fritz the Hippo sweatshirt may have contributed
* Dylan and Broti discuss the difference between being 28 and 29 and lie about numbers
* LA Rain Hall
	+ Broti resists the urge to riff on this, sadly
* Agatha Christie Hall
	+ Dylan cannot resist another wife joke, much better than the Cozumel joke
* Broti admits her life is just reading books and buying vegetables
* Dylan is doing Undercover Boss by going to 4 grocery stores
* Dylan and Broti have both restarted 30 Rock, official sitcom of the pod
* Dylan reveals Devon is dead because of her Nutcracker ambitions

### Mailbag

* Broti promises more podcast if there is more mailbag, a real gift of the magi situation
* Baked Potato Hall
	+ Broti is briefly excited, then seemingly ashamed, of her later plans to bake a Russett potato
	+ Dylan asks if Broti "eats it potato-shaped" but doesn't explain this any further and I am haunted by that
	+ Broti seems undeterred by the fact that a baked potato is not a whole dinner
	+ Broti dodges Dylan's question of "you do stuff to it, right?" by just naming ways of preparing a baked potato, leaving me to believe that she personally doesn't do any stuff to a potato
* Dylan and Broti reflect on the only kind of public fights that women have
	+ Broti coins a new term called "Karen" and it's when your husband yells at you
* Dylan does a great job of listening to a very boring airline story from Broti featuring "Mambo No. 5"
	+ Dylan is reminded of a birthday party at the American Bandstand outside of the mall, that's all
	+ Broti, like me, expected there to be another sentence there, and honestly so did Dylan
* Dylan says Devon describes the pod as having that classic "No and nothing..." thing about it
	+ Broti is delighted by this description and then we jump right into mailbag
* The first mailbag is about someone working at Broti's high school, and Dylan instantly starts falling apart
	+ Congrats to Alex on joining the land of the living
	+ Broti reveals she is writing "Purgatory High" for Freeform
		- Dylan could play a teacher or a student
	+ Broti has no tips or tricks for connecting with her classmates, obviously
	+ Alex is invited to be a guest to work it out with their rival
	+ Dylan thinks Adam Levine does not like the other coaches from the Voice, but Broti thought she was trying to make a Jesus reference
	+ Broti googles Judas real quick but luckily Dylan has all of the good Judas-Jesus tea
		- Broti admits she was a floater in high school, much like Judas, and proves she really should have finished googling Judas
		- Dylan casually mentions she thought the guy's name was Pontius Pilates
		- There is a riff about Jesus being caught in a big net and I like it but I'm upset we didn't spent any more time on the pilates thing
		- Dylan is delighted by the fact that her mom's family believes so much while she's out her riffing on Jesus and being Jewish
* The second mailbag is from Gregorio, who is really Greg wearing a fake mustache
	+ Dylan laments the lack of mailbag
	+ Master of Disguise Hall
		- Broti incorrectly thinks the lead character's name is Pistachio Disguisio, but Dylan mansplains that it is Disguisey
	+ Dylan admits to Gregorio Disguisio that it's going bad
* A third mailbag is about the Wikifeet movie
	+ I have nothing to say about this
	+ Dylan pauses the pod because people are talking to Devon outside, which they assume is some kind of Diary of a Wimpy Kid-related arrest
	+ Again, I'm not getting into this whole Broti's feet stuff, you can start your own website for that
* The next mailbag is not about Richard Kind
	+ Dylan remembers the awesome shit that was the Richard Kind mailbag
	+ Broti is very curious about the prolific actor
* The next is a pre-emptive mailbag from Pittsburg
	+ Garth asks about New Years Resolutions, spoiling Broti's topic
	+ Dylan and Broti want to find out what he's running from this year
	+ Treadmill Bar Hall
		- I agree it's a good idea and no one should take that
* Kyle returns to ask about Broti and Dylan's favorite projects
	+ The Wikifeet movie bit is back and I'm feeling ill
	+ Dylan's favorite project is being a good daughter and friend
		- Dylan's bread machine NCIS guest spot comes back, re: Anton
		- Broti admits she bought Dylan's Law & Order episode while stoned, earning Dylan .01 of residuals
* There is literally no transition from that joke about residuals into Dylan's topic of Zoos

### Dylan's Topic

* Dylan says it was the "challenge of a lifetime" to not have it be a big bummer, so she sanitizes it with fiction
* Dylan first mentions the number of annual zoo visitors in the US and admits that this figure will change frequently throughout her topic
* Oh shit - Broti hilariously compares the London Zoo to Buckingham Palace, timely and funny!
* "Walking in the Zoo" Hall
	+ This one had quite an impact, but Dylan's reading of its lyrics really are a highlight since it sounds entirely made up
	+ Broti asks if Alfred Vance was called "Weird Al", and there's clearly something there even though they immediately drop it
* Dylan starts wading into the bummer part of zoos pretty quickly
* Broti reflects that having a House of Deer is weird because she sees them all the time
* Javelina Hall
	+ Dylan calls them Evil Pigs
	+ Broti calls them Skunk Pigs
	+ "Worst PR for an animal"
	+ "Think of a dog, then think of a pig, then kinda switch 'em around"
	+ This bit goes on for a while, like any good "Dylan and Broti describe an animal in the most insane way possible" bit from the past
* Dylan reminds us the tagline of the pod is, "$5 and we're going to do this whenever we want"
* Dylan shares a fact about tiger deaths and Broti is stunned to silence
* Dylan says this is the nicest stuff she could find, while talking about deaths and feeding dogs to animals
* Dylan celebrates the Philadelphia Zoo and Cincinnati Zoo, the official home zoos of the pod
* Broti hopes an "accredited zoo" means that the animals graduate, but she is wrong
* Dylan continues to do a great job of steering clear of some grim facts about zoos
* Dylan and Broti have wanted to go to the Safari park in Malibu but claim they can't because the giraffe has been arrested
	+ The story of Stanley the Giraffe is a bigger bummer than they go into, so I'd suggest googling it
* Broti teases Fiona the Hippo as a future topic and the family drama involved
	+ Broti promises it as a rare mini-topic
* Dylan wonders what the high profile species are
	+ Mole rat? Not gonna notice
	+ The freaks?
	+ Elephant?
	+ Giraffe? Why so tall?
	+ Bonobos
	+ Time for the zoo restaurant
* Reptile Hall
	+ Broti only thinks they are interesting if they are a big enough snake
	+ Dylan is enchanted by the house they are in, with its "sexy mood lighting", or as Broti calls it, "a romantic, dimly-lit bar"
	+ Dylan suggest Garth should decorate the Treadmill Bar like the lizard enclosure of the Pittsburg zoo
* Dylan congratulates Elephants for getting their steps in
* Dylan admits she can't really make this funny and tried googling fun facts about zoos, which only led to more bummer results
* Broti and Dylan lament Los Angeles real estate costs while riffing about Panda housing
	+ Broti coins "the Pandaminium complex" making this topic fun again
	+ Dylan drops the pun and wants to start "the Panda Condo" with Richard Gere as EP at Hulu
* Dylan encourages us to tweet our guess for annual zoo attendance
* Dylan apologetically ends her topic, one of my favorite way to end a topic
* Broti transitions to her topic in an even more awkward way, but it's kinda charming I guess, talking about New Years Resolutions

### Broti's Topic

* Broti first asks Dylan about her New Years Resolutions
	+ Dylan's are about regaining things she's lost like her flexibility and her love of reading
	+ Broti just wants to finish the mini-series Sharp Objects, and wants to get her digestive system to a better place
		- A classic "one passive, one active" kinda resolution combo
* Broti says resolutions started back when people were monkeys
* Dylan and Broti wish the year still started in March
* Broti reflects that there is more to life than crops, like a PS4 (a gaming system that was released almost 10 years ago)
	+ Dylan says that when you love what you do, you never work a day in your life
	+ Broti coins the term "harvest heads"
	+ This segment is a great example of Dylan and Broti getting along so I suggest re-listening
* Broti says that the first year of the month is named for Maggie Wheeler's Friends character, Janice
* Broti admits she makes resolutions every time she drinks
* Broti really speeds through some facts towards the end and we miss a lot of chances for riffs
* Dylan wonders what makes something secular versus religious
* Dylan wants Broti to really focus on her crops this year
	+ Broti decides she'll just tweet at different farms
	+ Dylan also suggests looking at the sky wearily
* Dylan mentions the Lecture Hall Get Ambria Elected Challenge
	+ Look her up!
* Dylan then mentions the resurrection of the reddit
	+ Broti tries to riff on nets again
	+ Dylan manages to sneak in another one with "Pon-tus Pilate" right at the end of the episode
* Dylan asks everyone to send mailbags before they have to ask, and Broti thanks everyone for listing to The American Life