Why I'm Scared Of Chickens

NOT FINISHED YET. PLEASE DON'T READ.

I don't like chickens. In fact, let me phrase that another way; I wish that all chickens would get put inside an airplane which would then get dropped inside of an active volcano. Yeah that's how much I hate them. Now my hatred towards chicken isn't just a blind hatred; in fact believe it or not I actually used to love chickens. Allow me to explain if you'd let me my friend.

Several years ago, I used to work as a farmer under the tutelage of Farmer Francis at his chicken farm up in Wales. My job was to feed all of the chickens, and I was also responsible for counting how many eggs were being laid by the chickens and geese. By far, the highlight of my day was when it came time for feeding the chickens. I loved doing it and not to toot my own horn was very good at it. Well it's not like you can fuck up feeding chickens anyway right?

Farmer Francis wasn't a very good farmer by any stretch of the imagination. Francis was very sadistic when it came to running his farm. He had one very strict rule. If the chicken wasn't laying eggs. It was straight to the chopper for the little bugger. Francis is also close friends with Ronald McDonald. Yes Ronald McDonald so sad. Twice a week, Francis sends a car full of chickens up to one of Ronald McDonald's slaughterhouses. McDonalds then fills the empty car up with seven big bags of money. The car is then brought back to wales with Francis having made a smashing profit in the process.

Farmer Francis also had no moral code and was supporting the local battery which tortures chickens. The battery is run by Edward Holmes. Holmes is a former executioner for Amigo Loans and now works as the head of the most successful chicken battery in Great Britain. Holmes' methods have been both praised and criticised by millions upon millions across the globe. A lot of people have been petitioning to get the entire battery locked up much to the chagrin of Holmes and Francis.

The Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham were trying their absolute best to try and get the battery shut down. They had several threatening calls to Holmes demanding that he close down the battery before the Knights burn it to the ground. The Knights dispatched one of their highest-ranking members to investigate the battery. That being of course the Blue M&M. Blue had joined up with the knights in order to not face the same punishment that his M&M brethren had suffered. The Knights were going after the M&M's because the knights believed they were responsible for killing one of their members named MT Bar.

Ahem sorry about that massive tangent, anyways, Blue M&M was bought off Holmes. Holmes and Francis paid Blue a great deal of dosh to keep his little blue M&M mouth shut. With Blue silenced and the knights scrambling for information, Holmes and Francis both seemed practically untouchable. I too was disgusted with the way Farmer Francis was running his operations. I did want to make a difference, and I did want to put an end to the tyranny that Farmer Francis inflicts upon his chickens. Sadly however after this experience I no longer feel that way. Here is my story. I'd uh recommend getting some tissues ready. Trust me when I say this is one heart-breaking story. It's so sad that even Tim Allen from the hit show Home Improvement had to turn away while reading this. Yeah that's how sad it is.

This all happened on a freezing cold day in February. I had gotten to the farm a little later than usual and saw that Farmer Francis was waiting for me by the front entrance of the farm. I walked up to him and asked, "hey what's going on Francie baby?" Francis then proceeded to slap me very aggressively before saying in a harsh voice, "don't call me Francie baby boyio! We meaning you have got a lot of work to do today." "Oh really?" I asked as Farmer Francis continued with, "yep. You see: it's come to my attention that none of the chickens in site number three are laying eggs. This is unacceptable." "So what? Just kill them like you normally do." I said bluntly. "Oh I'm going to." Francis then pointed his rotten finger at me. "Oh no I'm not doing it I'm..." I was cut off as Francis yelled, "deal with it boyio! Do your fucking job or else I'll feed you to the dogs." Farmer Francis owns a huge gang of smelly junkyard dogs, and whenever someone on the farm refused to do their job, Francis would feed them to the dogs. He'd also use the same method sometimes with chickens that didn't want to hatch any more eggs.

I didn't want to argue any further so I nodded my head, and with that Farmer Francis began making his leave. I meanwhile made my way over to site number three. You see; the chicken farm is massive and as such has been split into multiple sections nicknamed sites by Francis. I hated site number three more than any of the others because that's where the rapid chickens tend to be put. I took a heavy sigh before filling up some buckets with chicken feed. Carrying the buckets by the handles, I made my way inside the site. What I saw was unpleasant to say the very least.

In the very corner of the room, a large white chicken was lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Now as bad as that might sound: this isn't really anything out of the ordinary when it comes to site number three. You see at site number three, the chickens get really competitive when it comes to their food. This because usually, site number three is the last site I visit because as I've said before it is by far the worst site in the entire farm. Now when I say competitive I mean really competitive. The chickens will bite and claw at one another in order to see who gets the last scrap of chicken feed. It's quite fun to watch actually.

Now some of you may be asking; why are you bothering to feed the chickens if you're just gonna kill them? Well it's mainly because I want to ease them into their execution. I was also kind of hoping to kill them while they're not paying attention. Taking them by surprise if you will. So I headed over to the mortally wounded chicken, and began cradling it. Then something strange happened. The injured chicken was not dead at all. It's eye shot open and it grabbed hold of my chin. It held onto my chin for dear life. Suddenly, I felt something hit the back of my head, and with that I passed out onto the floor.

I awoke about an hour later stuck to the floor. Some really nasty smelling and incredibly sticky honey had been used to keep me restrained to the floor. That's when the door to site number three creaked open as a large entrogue of chickens entered the scene. Suddenly, the chickens began speaking to me in English. "What's the weather like down there sonny?" One of the chickens asked. "What's going on here? You've got no reason to treat me like this!?" I yelled angrily. That's when one of the chickens obviously the ringleader revealed themselves to me. Now at a glance, the chicken didn't look any different from the others. However, if one were to take a closer look, you could clear see that the leader chicken was 1% fatter than the others. A big difference I know.

So anyways, the leader chicken revealed his name to be King Chicken. Wow how original. "No reason eh?" King Chicken said before continuing with, "you have any idea how many of us that you and your buddy Francis kill everyday? A whole fucking heap." "What do you expect me to do?" I asked before continuing with, "I'm just doing my job!" "Everyone has a choice son. You just didn't want to take it." King Chicken said bluntly as he turned to face two of his subordinates. "You two bring in Eustace." I wondered if he meant Eustace from Courage the Cowardly Dog but sadly no. Eustace was even a chicken. He was a duck with a proper rad sounding voice. He handed a small laser device over to King Chicken. "What is that thing?" I asked confused. "Some bear sold us a laser defence mechanism to protect us from Francis, but with these flippers I can't even turn it on." Eustace explained.

I then asked why Eustace had given the laser over to King Chicken. It was the King himself who answered me by saying, "we're gonna use it on you!" "What why?" I asked confused as a confused man often does when confused about something confusing which confuses him. That's a whole lot of confusion! King Chicken then proceeded to explain that the laser was the work of the great chicken elder Lord Richfield. Richfield is an incredibly old and crusty dinosaur. Yes you heard me right. Dinosaur. There's not many chickens in this gang is there matey? Anyways, Richfield had developed this laser by his special forces known as the UCTF (United Chicken Task Force). The UCTF had developed the laser to turn people into chickens.

You see: Richfield's grand plan was for the laser to turn everyone into chickens. Once everyone has become a chicken, Richfield and King Chicken will have complete dominance throughout the country. Once they've taken over Wales, Richfield and King Chicken will set their sights on taking over Downing Street by taking down the people who advise ole Boris Johnson. This includes General R. Asquith. Poor old Asquith. He just can't catch a break can he? I'll tell you one thing though, Asquith sure can catch a cold. Ha!

With Downing Street under their control, the pair will then turn Boris himself into a chicken. With Boris and Asquith out of commission, King Chicken and Richfield will control Great Britain and will then begin their super ultimate master plan. What is that I hear you not asking. Well my friends, their plan is take over the world. Of course! I was then told that I would be the first to try out this marvel creation.

I tried my best to break free from the honey trap but I just couldn't. I couldn't do anything. The laser was switched on and a large red laser shot right into my back. It felt like someone pouring a kettle onto your face. I screamed in agony as the process finally came to an end. "Set him free." King Chicken said to his subordinates who did as they were told by removing me from the sticky honey. "Oh my head." I muttered while holding my head. That's when I noticed something. My hands weren't hands anymore. No they were feathers. "Get a mirror!" I cried. "As you wish." King Chicken said as he had Eustace hand me a mirror. I screamed at the very top of my longs causing the mirror to shatter into a million pieces. I was not me anymore. I was... I was... I was a fucking chicken! Oh bullocks. A good looking chicken I must say but a chicken none the less.

The King smiled at me and said, "well the laser works a treat. Now it's time for Francis and that prick Holmes." The King Chicken and his followers made their way out of the site towards the front entrance of the farm where Farmer Francis was smoking a cigarette. "Oh my what's this?" Farmer Francis asked half dazed as he was shot by the laser. He was now a chicken just like me. "I'll get you King Chicken! Oh I'll get you!" Francis yelled angrily. "I wish you luck." King Chicken said sarcastically. With that, King Chicken and his followers made their towards the chicken battery. "What have I done?" I said to myself as I hopped over to where Francis was. "It's not your fault." Francis said before continuing with, "it's mine. Those damn chickens were probably planning this for months. Years maybe. If they turn Boris Johnson into a chicken then no one will be able to stop them in their quest for world domination." "Well we've got do something!" I proclaimed as Francis asked, "and what's that? I mean if you haven't noticed boyio we're kind of chickens now." "We've got to save Holmes." I said as we both made our way towards the battery.

Arriving at the battery, we found it to be heavily guarded by