Albert

**Albeees**, more commonly **Albert** is a streamer(?) and the Oatsngoats Pantheon's God of Virginity.

Albert contributes virtually nothing to the stream, instead leeching off of oats' success by being "that guy from oats' stream". It is unknown how many of Albert's viewers actually chose to watch him for reasons other than morbid curiosity but a generous guess is around 4.

## Profile

Albert's exact origins are unclear, but beings similar to him have been known to exist for centuries. It is known that he was one of Oats' first subscribers, proven by his founder badge—something he frequently brags about. Over the years, Albert has managed to slowly become a staple of the stream, eventually earning himself moderator status. He has somehow managed to keep this status through his special ability 「ＰＬＯＴ　ＡＲＭＯＲ」— A skill that allows him to evade the consequences of almost all of his actions, with the punishments for the actions he can't evade being severely lessened. This ability is fueled by pure pity. Thus, the more Albert is bullied, the stronger he becomes.

Albert lives in a wasteland known as "California" in the dark recesses of what can only be described as a "lair". Some brave explorers have occasionally ventured into his lair, but few have returned. Another voice can occasionally be heard in the background of Albert's stream, which is believed to be Albert's mother. This creature has been dubbed "*El Madre*", which is believed to translate to "The one who lurks in the shadows". Many albertologists believe that Albert and *El Madre* are the historical origins of Grendel and his mother in the 10th century epic *Beowulf*.

Albert is believed to have a twin brother named Robert who is currently on a world tour to explore the world, as well as it's women. He frequently calls Albert to tell him of his latest sexual exploits, often in graphic detail. This fills Albert with jealousy, causing him to go on random banning sprees against whoever annoys him.

## Amusement Park

Albert is the owner of a decrepit amusement park that undoubtedly violates countless business standards. It's name and location are constantly changing to avoid inspections, so it is unlikely you will find it yourself, but there are numerous horror stories from the unfortunate victims. The clowns are all paid in dogecoin (with no computer access), and believed to have been kidnapped from a homeless shelter. Upon entering, visitors are greeted by Jimbo the meth-addicted clown asking them if they want condom or no condom. Judging from the reports of visitors, protection is highly advisable.
The park is currently equipped with:

* A balloon stand
* See-saw
* Fun mirror (Just a shattered mirror)
* Sticker dispenser
* Coin operated horse for toddlers
* And finally—the only thing resembling a "ride"—a Gravitron. Albert had to take out a loan with the clowns' organs as collateral to pay for it, but he says it was worth it.

### Bozo Incident

One rainy night, the clowns were huddled up together in their trailer. They had no heat and the roof was leaky, so they must rely on body heat to prevent hypothermia; they just lost BimBam last month...

Suddenly they heard the door slam open. They all jumped back in fear; It was Albert.

"The hell are you cocksuckers doing all huddled up like that?" he grumbled. "You having an orgy? You're not supposed to do that without me. Whatever, that's not important right now..." The clowns all gulped.

"Which one of you stole it?" Albert said in an intimidating tone.

"S-stole what?" squeaked Doodles.

"THE BALLOONS, DAMMIT!" Albert roared. The clowns all cowered back in fear. Albert slowly walked by the clowns, inspecting each one before stopping in front of Snuggles.

"Was it you? Huh!?" Albert said, threateningly pointing at Snuggles with the handle of his whip.

"N-no, it wasn't! I swea—"

"YOU SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU! YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" Albert screamed as he cracked his whip. Thankfully it didn't hit poor Snuggles, but it was enough to send him cowering in the corner. Albert snorted at the sight.

"I can do this all day. Which one of you is gonna fess up? Huh!?" Albert looked around the trailer before his eyes settled on their newest recruit, "Benzo". But, before he could make his move—

"It was me."

Albert looked up. Standing there was Bozo, the oldest surviving clown. He had been there since the beginning, acting as a sort of mentor for all the new hirees. He had always been there to protect the young ones, and this time was no different. All the clowns knew that Bozo didn't steal the balloons, but Albert didn't care...

"Heh, so it was you, huh? I always knew you'd pull something like this. You're coming with me." Albert stepped out of the trailer.

"Bozo, why?" asked the clowns, tears forming in their eyes. But Bozo merely smiled.

"Why? It's my duty, that's why. As your elder, I have to protect you from Albert's bullshit, no matter what." He stepped down from the trailer and stopped. "Benzo, you're new, but I can tell you've got potential. Take care of the others alright?"

"Y-yes. I promise," Benzo replied, barely managing to fight back the tears.

Bozo turned around one last time, with a somber smile on his face.

"I'll see you all in the circus."

He then disappeared into the freezing rain, never to be seen again...

**That is, until one week later...**

Benzo was tasked with performing the Gravitron's bi-annual checkup. He noticed a strange smell, but he quickly played it off; foul odors are no uncommon thing when you work here. But as he started it up, he heard a terrible ripping sound as something flew out through the top of the Graviton and landed next to him.

It was Bozo.

He had long started to decay, with a look of terrible pain on his nearly-skeletal face. All of his internal organs were missing, likely sold to the highest bidder, and the smell was something not even a corpse should smell like.

Suddenly, Benzo felt a chill down his spine. He whipped around and there he saw Albert, standing with a wide stance, arms crossed, and a large smile on his face.

What Benzo heard Albert say next, he will never forget. It was just a whisper. It shouldn't have been audible under the sound of the running Gravitron, but nothing could drown out the pure evil in Albert's voice.

"You're next..."