Xenoblade: The Chronicles of the Tales of Time

**Xenoblade: The Chronicles of the Tales of Time** is a video game made by Konami Soft, released in 2023, for the Nintendo Switch, Wii U, Wii, GameCube, and GameBoy (but it wasn't compatible with any of the others besides the Switch, but it ran really poorly on switch). The game was directed by Hideo Kojima and had many controversies and was criticized for poor story telling. Rated T (should be M, but the people doing the ESRB rating couldn't be bothered to play the game)

Critical rating: 23%

## Story

### Chapter 1: Prologue

The main character's name is Parthan, he is with his fiancé (but they're not together), Rachel, and a little furball (It's a nopon, but they are referred to as furballs in this timeline). The furballs name is Spudbud. They all start in their small town of Raythoria in the Province of Gangho (this is called District 1 in the map). They are all farmers except for Rachel. Parthan just turned 18 yesterday, his fiance Rachel is also 18, Spudbud is 5 nopon live old.

Their life is all fine until a sudden large shake in the ground, they thought it might be caused by the sorcerer's death, but it wasn't. They looked around and saw that the World Tree has fallen over (many people thought it was controversial that Hideo Kojima showed a transparent video of 9/11 here while the World Tree falls. You can hear screams during this part. When asked about this part, Hideo Kojima said that it's symbolic and in respect to the Americans, this scene was cut in the American localization, which ruins Kojima's vision).

Since Rachel, Spudbud and Parthan are all friends, and since the village is full of elders. They decide that they're the only people fit enough to check out what happened. Parthan has a vision and it zooms into his eyes, in the vision he sees the Xenoblade, but a giant fire monster grabs it from the ground and says "YOU SHALL NOT PASS", in his vision, Parthan steps forward and he steps on a glowing rock, the rock triggers a sprinkler system and the clouds start raining, and they put out the fire monster, the monster proceeds to drop the Xenoblade and he melts into the ground. Parthan pants drop in the vision, Spudbud's jaw also drops (we don't know what it means yet). The vision ends.

Parthan wakes up on the ground on the field next to the elders and the rest of the party. He wakes up and just says "Oi just hed a noightmare" (he says this in a really strong british accent, and it pissed off players globally). One of the elders walks and his name is Raqiqi, he is 2,042 years old (it's an anomaly how he lived this old, he's the oldest one in the village). Raqiqi tells Parthan "no child's hoods has passed, no generations have seen. Beyond the blue sky to the green waves of Calparthia. Have neigh I, a blue eye seen. This is the first time this has ever happened. Tell me young, Parthan. What did you see?" Parthan replies "A blade-" Raqiqi cuts him off and says "Say no more. The blade you are looking for, is the most powerful blade in the past century." He tells young Parthan that he too has had the same vision before, and that his pants dropped. And he told Parthan "Look here", the village elder Raqiqi then drops his pants. Parthan sees a birthmark on his perineum, it looks like a manji. The village elder Raqiqi, with his pants down, tells Parthan "You also have one after the vision". Parthan drops his pants in front of everyone. The village elder says "It's been 5 years since I last saw-". This dialogue was removed in the American version. After Parthan drops his pants, he finds out it's not there, Parthan is now embarassed. And him and his party run to the World Tree to find out what's going on.

While running to the World Tree, there's a funny dialogue between him and his friends.

### Chapter 2: The Blade

After arriving at the World Tree, you see many people suffering. You see one particular furball crawling on the ground, screaming in agony. Parthan asks the furball "WHAT'S GOING ON?". The furball just screams in agony "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH". The furball's brother answers for him, he says "You know it's insensitive to call us furballs, call us Nopons! Leave now."

Parthan and his friends go towards the center of the tree, while on the way they pickup a new friend named Geck (he's never on screen). They get the to source of the problem, they find a guy screaming "AGHHHH NO!!!! MY BELOVED FAMILY, MY BELOVED TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!". The party asks "what happened?..... Up here and down there". The guy screams "NOOOOOOOOOO!! MY FRIENDS, MY FAMILY... DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT I'VE LOST EVERYTHING!!!???!?" The party makes a deal to trade Geck for some information. The guy says "That, right there! That Xenoblade crashed into the tree!". Parthan's perineum starts shining. His perineum attaches to the Xenoblade like a magnet. The camera zooms into his face and he goes "HUAGHH!?" And his eyes widen. This is when he rewinds back in time. \*swooooshh\*

### Chapter 3: The Time He Forgot

It goes all the way back in time to his 18th birthday. He's unwrapping a gift from his present. His mom and his dad ask Parthan "Do you like your gift? Sweetie". Parthan gets a wet sock, and he starts crying, making the sock even wetter. His parents say "Honey, look inside of it". He puts his hand down the sock and pulls out an engagement ring! He starts thanking his lucky stars. He says "It's time to get things going!". His parents say "Go sweetie, it's time". He goes to his favorite girl's house in the village. He knocks on the door, he gets on his knees and closes his eyes, the door opens, and he proposes. Her father opens the door, Parthan does his whole proposal speech, and he opens his eyes and sees the dad, with a "BOING-YOING" sound playing, and the camera goes back and forth between their faces about eight times (the cinematic team really milked this one to make it more dramatic). The camera then spins around the dad, then spins around Parthan, then zooms out of the village, then zooms out of the entire Earth (there's an error here, where you cannot see the World Tree when it zooms out, but Hideo Kojima says this was done intentionally). The dad says "Yeah, ok Parthan, I'll give you my permission, you can marry my daughter". Parthan is now engaged to Rachel without her knowledge. Parthan skips and hops back to his house, excited to tell the news.

He opens the front door, his parents are both dead, and bloodied up on da floor. He has a vision, he sees the elder. Raqiqi showing his perineum to everyone in the village. It's glowing red, Pethan says it feels tyrannical since everyone is gathered around looking at the elder. The vision ends and Parthan is laying in his parent's blood crying. Parthan vows to "never forget this". He went back to his farming job, crying and moping, then he feels a PERINEUM FLASH, he forgor.

### Chapter 4: We're Done With The Making

Parthan wakes up from his rewind vision. He is now holding the Xenosword (was called the Xenoblade, now it's called the Xenosword, Hideo Kojima had a vision he said). Parthan is slashing it into the World Tree, while it's still standing. Parthan takes down the Xenotree (was called the World Tree, now it's called the Xenotree, Hideo Kojima had a vision he said). As the tree is falling and the screams are wailing. Parthan suddenly hears "STOP!" and he turns around and sees a giant lava monster, the lava monster says "YOUR ARE THE TRUE EVIL! YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOUR INNER POWER". The lava monster says "LET THE PERINEUM CHRONICLES UNITE!".

Parthan knows how to defeat him, he remembers the rock from his vision. But Parthan realizes that the rock isn't there for some reason. Then the lava monster takes the blade with his power. And they start battling, but Parthan lasts no chance, since the Xenosword defeats him. Rachel then comes from behind the lava monster and kills the lava monster using a super magic mega power, omitted from her ring. It destroys the monster in one fell swipe. The ring is glowing red, Parthan says "Woah that's strange". All of a sudden, his perineum flashes brighter than the sun (it blinded some players).

### Chapter 5: The Ring That Has Something To Do With It

He wakes up in the village, with the sky red, Rachel is dead along with the weird nopon, who gives a s\*\*t. They're both dead in a puddle of mud, Parthan wonders "WHAT'S GOING ON?" and his perineum starts shining red. All of a sudden, standing on top of the tallest building in the village, is the elder Raqiqi, he's standing there, with a glowing red perineum, he says "DO YOU NOT REALIZE?" (the voice actor yelled this louder than Hideo Kojima himself, it was so loud, that Hideo Kojima said "wow").

Parthan looks at his hands and realizes and says "Did I- Did.. I- Did I- Did- Did I- Did-" Raqiqi says "YES! YOU KILLED ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR PARENTS!". Parthan's perineum starts shining angrily, Parthan says "BUT HOW?". Raqiqi replies "BECAUSE! What do you call it..... BECAUSE OF THE RING! I GAVE YOUR PARENTS THAT RING! I GAVE YOUR PARENTS THE RING, AS A GIFT TO YOU". Parthan says "BUT HOW DID THE RING DO ALL OF THIS!". Raqiqi says "Because the ring, has part of the Monado in it". Parthan says "BUT WHY WOULD YOU TRY TO BESIEGE ME?". Raqiqi says "JUST COME AND GET SOME!".

This is the final boss fight, it lasts for about 26 minutes if you're playing okay. Gamers said this part was "EPIC!!". But Let's Players, said that it was underwhelming not worth- not- not- not- worth- not worth- not not- not worth the time. And the let's players wanted a part where the boss combines into three different elements. But overall, it fell short, only having two elements.

After many minutes of intense fighting. The two fight with the power of their perineum, the deciding factor is when Parthan manages to overcome the Monado Ring, and uses the power for himself, he hits Raqiqi with all the power that the Monado Ring has, sending Raqiqi 52 meters back, until he hits the clock tower.

Raqiqi is on the ground bleeding from the mouth, begging for mercy, and Parthan walks up to him and says "WHY? WHAT'S THE CAUSE FOR ALL OF THIS? WHY DID YOU TRY AND SABOTAGE MY LIFE? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Raqiqi says "Hagh, Parthan, you and me... We're the only people on the planet to have our powers.... To have the perineum power......!!!... You and me, Parthan.... We're brothers.... From long lost ago...." Parthan screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Raqiqi says "The only reason... I wanted to kill you.... Was because....... Only one could get the full perineum power, and that's who beat the other....... That's what our Father wanted......." Parthan asks "Wait!... Who's my real father then?" Raqiqi says "His name is Kceg" (pronounced keg). "He's formed of the element of fire, he is called by many a lava monster." Parthan yells "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! OUR FATHER'S DEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Parthan falls to his knees, sobbing. Raqiqi takes his last breath and says "Ahg... Ugh... THERE's ANOTher On the way........................" Parthan asks "WHAT'S THAT MEAN? PLEASE TELL ME!" Raqiqi takes a second last breath and says "Agh... Ugh.... He impregnated another...." Raqiqi dies in the arms of Parthan, Raqiqi's perineum stops shining.

Parthan's perineum grows into a super rage, engulfing the whole village in a red light. Parthan says "I guess I have to take out one more". Cinematic music begins playing, and the sky starts to return to a normal color, as Parthan walks away from the battle-torn village. The credits start to play, as cinematic music plays (the song is "The Boys Are Back In Town").

In a post-credits scene, it ends with Hideo Kojima in a video. Just like how TOP GUN: MAVERICK starts, Hideo Kojima thanks the players for playing and experiencing his narrative experience, and he hopes everyone understood and enjoyed. And he says "If you didn't like the game, I have other enjoyable video games out on the market out right now."

### Chapter 6: The Visions Are Finally Over

The visions are finally over, and now it's back to where the World Tree fell over. Now that Parthan saw the future and knows what's gonna happen. He does everything perfectly this time, and makes sure his friends don't die in the process, and makes sure to save his father's life. The real credits now roll, Hideo Kojima plays a clip of him saying "GOTCHA!!". A fart sound effect then plays and the screen simply says "The End" along with a photo of Obungus.

When asked in an interview why he ended the game this way, instead of simply ending at the first ending. Kojima said "It didn't feel complete enough, it felt like something was missing. It was a plothole to leave the story like that, without coming back." The reason he put a first credits scene, which had all fake names, was to truly alure players into a false vision into believing that all the visions were over. (alure is not a word, but Hideo Kojima made it). Yes, he is aware that this is a paradox, and it could simply always be a vision, but he says he wanted it that way, to make the ending ambiguous. So you never truly know, when silly s\*\*t is about to happen. He said at the end, simply the word, prophecy. We believe he said this because he's a professor.

## Controversies

People hated their lives after playing it. It's used as a reminder in most video game studios, as to how not to make a game, due to the overthought paradoxes. Poop.