Ozz Well That Ends All

**Ozz Well That Ends All** is the twentieth episode of the second series of The Osbournes. It originally aired on the August 10, 2003.

## Summery

Kelly experiences problems in her relationship with Bert. He finally breaks up with her over the phone on Valentine's Day, claiming that no one took him seriously because he was dating her. Kelly becomes extremely irritable and depressed, and takes her anger out on the family. She argues with Sharon, who suggests that she find another manager; and bites Jack on the arm. She overhears her family talking about her and decides to leave home.

Meanwhile, Jack is alarmed when he acts out violently in his sleep. He wakes up one night to find himself beating up Lola. On another night, he attacks Minnie; and is horrified to wake up and discover that he has killed her. He flees the house with the body. A devastated Sharon retreats to the family's Malibu home to escape memories of Minnie.

Ozzy is left all alone, with no one to help him fix the television. Suddenly, the director yells, "Cut!" Ozzy rejoins his family (including Minnie) in another room, and it is revealed that this episode has been scripted. Everyone pretends that the entire series has been fake: Ozzy expresses relief at no longer having to say the f-word, and tells someone to pick up the "fake" dog doo.

## Memorable Quotes

"*"Flintstones. Meet the Flintstones! Have a yabba dabba do"-err. We should have one of them. I should write one of them theme songs. "Osbournes. Meet the Osbournes-*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*MINNIE! SHUT THE FUCK UP!*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*No, that's the Chorus*"
— Ozzy in response

"*He said "I'm gonna get Kelly a job on the road" I'm like I have a fucking job! Well, maybe if the motherfucker would call me now and then, I wouldn't do that. He's fucking Goddamned retarded, and it's driving me nuts!*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*Well, I'll call him. I'll call him a twat!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Melinda, yeah, we're gonna have to do something about that little pervert*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*He fucking proposed to you! That fucking scumbag!*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*You're so superficial it's disgusting!*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*Superficial? Isn't superficial a good thing?*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*Broke up with her on Valentine's Day? So not cool!*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*What a fucked up day to do it. Valentine's Day! The guy needs a fucking kick in the balls for that one.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Mad LSD! Lead Singer's Disorder.*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*He's a piece of shit! Worse than a piece of shit! Shit makes flowers grow.*"
— Sharon Osboure

"*Guy's a fucking pussy with a cauliflower dick! He's like a used tampon.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Your fucking sleeping...violence in your sleep.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I'd rather have my daughter and have someone else manage her.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*But you know Kelly she's hurting and she's gotta find a way of venting her frustration.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Where's this fucking dog, man?!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*It's all over? I don't have to say the f-word again?!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*And you can take your dog shit home with you!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*We can have our home back now. Now you can all fuck off!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

## Trivia

* Despite being a mainly staged episode, many moments in the episode were real;
	+ Bert breaking up with Kelly and her reaction to the break up.
	+ Kelly leaving the home
	+ Ozzy searching for Minnie, for completely different reasons.
	+ Sharon leaving the house, though not because of Minnie but for a business reason.
* When Ozzy tells Sharon Minnie had died, Ozzy and Sharon are seen smirking briefly, breaking the illusion, in fact Sharon purposefully hids her face to not show her laughing.