Curtis O. Cuddle

Curtis O. Cuddle, just standing around being innocuous.

### Relatives

Wacky Walter the Used Car Salesman (father)Mrs. Wacky Wendy the Wife of the Used Care Salesman (mother)

## Biographical information

### Marital status

This lone ranger never settles down, but is always down for a cuddle.

### Date of birth

June 9th, 1969 (actual birth date January 13th, 1987)

### Place of birth

The wide open cattle ranges of downtown Los Angeles

## Physical description

### Height

Tall as the sun is high at noon, or so they say.

### Eye color

Always looking at you in a way that you can't tell whether he's flirting or if he really wants to sell you a mattress.

**Curtis Otis Cuddle** (a.k.a. "Curtis O. Cuddle," "Mr. Cuddle Country," and " That guy who sold me a mattress once, and it wasn't that good, and I swear the dreams I had were fucking bizarre as fuck") is an all-American mattress salesman, who was first introduced on the cover of Bedside A of the double-album "Welcome to Cuddle Country, Pardner!" He also appears in the songs "Intro (Side A)", "Barefoot Sandpaper Hoedown (Sweat Cake Mix)" and "Intro (Side B)" off of the same album. Born and raised in California, he grew up the son of a used car salesman, before growing up and starting his own business empire selling ~~used~~ totally new and not at all faulty mattresses.

He may or may not be a stud muffin. It's relative.

## Appearance

Curtis is a big, beautiful man. Oh, he's also a cow man, with purple fur, and visible, black chest hair. He's always donning cowboy duds, usually a faux-leather vest, jeans, and a stetson hat. He has long, pointy horns, and black, slicked-back hair with long sideburns. He's also one of the few people in the world confirmed to have facial hair, with a long mustache. He always has a shiny smile; some would even say literally blinding.

## Biography

Curtis was born on June 9th, 1969 (or if you just look at his birth certificate, January 13th, 1987), in Los Angeles, California. He was raised by his parents, Wacky Walter the Used Car Salesman, and Mrs. Wacky Wendy the Wife of the Used Car Salesman. Wacky Walter the Used Car Salesman (actual legal name) ran a used car factory between the years of 1977 and 1996, when he retired and totally didn't get busted for just reselling old used cars rather than manufacturing new used cars.

He grew up wanting to be a used car salesman, just like his old man. However, when his father was ~~busted for selling used cars that had been used rather than fresh-from-the-factory used cars~~ retired early, Curtis decided when he grew up he'd sell the next-best thing: used mattresses. Indeed, after graduating from Bovine University he went on to start his own mattress store, titled "Cuddle Country Mattress Emporium."

## Salesmanship

The success of the wares at Cuddle Country Sales Emporium are not dependent on the quality of the mattresses sold there. Indeed, they've been described as "incredibly uncomfortable" and "like sleeping on a pile of broken rocks." Rather, it is merely Curtis' raw sex appeal that ultimately sells his products.

However, he seems oblivious to this. In his eyes he's simply selling quality furniture at a reasonable price. In an interview with a local news outlet, when asked what his strategy for selling mattresses was, he simply said, with a twinkle in his eyes and a smile that would make plenty of people blush, "Well it's just a matter of selling good furniture, sir." He then swept his hair and leaned back, putting his boots on the table in a macho manner and letting his body do all the talking. And it was saying "Buy this mattress, please, I'm begging you, I can't get anyone to buy this thing!" ...At least metaphorically.

He may be a stud muffin. It's relative.

## Notable Mattress Models

Throughout the history of Cuddle Country Mattress Emporium, Curtis O. Cuddle has sold a lot of mattresses, all notable for various reasons. They include:

* The SleepMaster 3000 - A memory foam mattress that immediately forgets what your body is shaped like as soon as you get out of bed.
* The Wacky Walter Memorial Bed - A car-shaped bed, based on one of Wacky Walter's most popular used cars, only this one's actually been used. Features all the comfort of sleeping in a trunk!
* The Slumber Express - It's just a sleeping bag.
* The ExpertSleep Divine - A waterbed that's somehow hard as a rock. Science has been unable to come up with a reason as to how this is even possible.
* The Lighter-Than-Air Air Mattress - An air mattress that literally floats. It's impossible to sleep on due to it always raising to the ceiling.
* The Ultimate Sleep Experience - A lumpy, uneven mattress with broken springs.
* The New Ultimate Sleep Experience - The same bed, but at a higher price.
* The New Ultimate Sleep Experience DX - The same bed, but at a lower price, and slightly more used.
* The New Ultimate Sleep Experience DX II - A different bed, but somehow *even worse*.

## Trivia

* Curtis O. Cuddle was created specifically for the album cover for "Welcome to Cuddle Country, Pardner!" With the title being a pun on "cattle country," it was obvious that he needed to be a cow. And to tie in with the theme, it was decided early on that he needed to be a mattress salesman.

## References

1. ↑ https://negativeohio.bandcamp.com/album/welcome-to-cuddle-country-pardner