274: Treat Mo-Self

## Summary

The group reunite with Sheemie, who has been enjoying a bottle of Bufflin whiskey in the hotel suite, and Will drags him into the bathroom for the hairdryer treatment. The group decide to head into Highground's shopping district and pick up a few essentials. In a magical item shop, the shopkeeper claims to have a pair of boots that afford the wearer the power of flight and Batthwack becomes obsessed with owning them. Will helps him haggle the exorbitant price down, even suggesting that his dragonborn friend is descended from the king of Gully's End and the shopkeeper surprises them all when she mentions the current king's name: King Batthwack.

## Synopsis

Aunt Bootie has retired to her room for her beauty rest, so the party are standing in the hallway outside. *"She was horrible. I love her,"* says Will. Explaining Aunt Bootie's chain-smoking and the awful smell of smoke that surrounds her, Raphina explains that when she was little she thought that smoking was bad for you, so she would take Aunt Bootie's cigarettes and pour boiling water over them, which is how twig tea was born. She then discovered that these "twigarettes" were very healthy so encouraged Aunt Bootie to smoke them all the time. Will has an awful sinking feeling when he realises they've been drinking twigarette tea this whole time.

It's mid-afternoon and the group find themselves wondering where Sheemie is, and realise they never gave him a room key. They're also reminded of Mo, who they left with Hilula and Will wonders if he should fly over to the lake and check on him. He's worried about their lizardfolk companion. *"Hilula is useless and Mo is a psycho,"* he says. He's really not sure if he has the magical strength to fly all the way there though, so perhaps he might be able to after a rest. Batthwack looks disappointed. They head to the hallway where their rooms are. Will's room is empty, but on entering the suite, they do indeed find Sheemie sprawled on a chair, holding a bottle of Bufflin whiskey. He slurs an excited cheer as they enter.

The bottle that was in Gwen's bag is still in tact, so it seems that Sheemie found the bottle in the room's bar. Will grabs him by the shirt and drags him to his feet, slapping him. Sheemie protests as Will admonishes him. *"You can't get drunk at two in the afternoon!"* he shouts angrily and drags him over to the bathroom and begins trying to sober him up by splashing him with water. Batthwack pops in to ask Will for an advance on his bodyguard wages so he can stock up on supplies, which Will agrees to.

When they're alone again, Will has a quiet chat with Sheemie, warning him against giving too much away and drawing too much attention. He also makes him promise to learn how to read, even offering him money to support him with that. Sheemie's not taking the suggestion completely seriously, so Will goes all crime boss on him and manages to convince him that he'll feed him to Batthwack if he doesn't do as he says. Will insists Sheemie doesn't tell anyone about this and gives him his first task, which is to learn how to spell his own name, palming him 5gp with a piece of paper with his name written on.

The group decide to head out of the hotel into Highground and do a little shopping. On the way out, Will warns Sheemie not to steal anything unless Will tells him to. The first shop they head to deals in the practical items, and Batthwack goes around selecting various items, and placing them on the counter. Will scrutinises everything, and seems happy to pay for it all. Batthwack's full shopping list is as follows:

* Four mid-range torches for 1cp each
* Eight days' worth of expensive rations for 6gp + 4sp (anticipating that he may need to feed them to Will - Will actually doubles the amount Batthwack initially picked up) and he later throws his old fish tacos in the river

In the same store, Will picks up a few items for himself:

* One cheap and one expensive bottle of ink (7gp and 15gp respectively)
* One expensive and three normal glass bottles (9gp total)
* Some basic white chalk (1cp) and 12 expensive chalks in various colours (2sp + 4cp)
* A bag with 1000 ball bearings (1gp)
* Some fancy hair oil and moustache wax (2sp)
* Expensive soap (3cp)

Raphina hunts around for spell components. She's looking for beads and finds a string of prayer beads for 2cp. Still thinking of Mo, she wonders if they could be useful for praying to the Luminescent Lobster of Love. Will pays for these too, saying *"Yeah, you just put it on the counter, Raphina. This is shopping day, okay? Treat yourself!"* Raphina wraps the prayer beads around Pippa's neck. Looking around the store, Will spies cooking utensils and equipment and suddenly has an idea about a potential role for Sheemie in the group. Sheemie claims he can cook and it seems convincing, so Will sends him off to buys an expensive looking cook's kit for 50gp, including lots of different pans, utensils and common spices, among other things.

At the weapons store next door Will pays for two 5gp javelins as part of Batthwack's expenses. Will also wants to arm Sheemie with something simple so he can defend himself. Sheemie says he's maybe been in one or two fights in Morrow's Inlet, but Will can tell he's downplaying how many fights he's been in and he's actually tougher than the act he's putting on. Sheemie's interested in a giant hammer, which he struggles to lift, eventually selecting a pair of light hammers for 6gp. Will insists these are for defence and he should stay behind Batthwack in the event of any fighting. Thinking about how he can stick with Will, Sheemie also goes up and asks at the counter about magical boots for flying. He's told that a store down the road sells special magic items, but boots like that would be very expensive. Before they leave Batthwack pawns off an old rapier for 2gp.

Batthwack also has some items to discuss at the magical item shop, so they make their way there next. Batthwack has a wand that he found at the Amber Temple, which he sets on the low, halfling-heighted counter. The shopkeeper is a bored-looking young halfling lady wearing typically bright-coloured Beartogglian clothing, who says it doesn't seem like anything too special and Batthwack agrees to sell it for 7gp. He also shows her the vial of golden liquid labelled "Youth", which he had found the windmill. She offers him 3gp for, saying that she's not really sure what it is, but thinks it's probably a youth potion. She won't be drawn on whether she thinks it's harmful or not. Batthwack decides to keep it. Batthwack lowers his voice and asks the shop keeper about items to give the power of flight. She says she has a potion that gives the ability to fly for an hour, which she'd sell for 450gp and Batthwack asks Will if he'll buy it for him.

Seeing Will, the shopkeeper lowers her voice and says *"There's a pair of boots, where if you wear them, the power of flight is yours, period."* She says they're worth 900 platinum pieces, but offers to sell them with a hefty discount; only a mere 600pp. Will, a little concerned that this could be Ricardo Ulysses in disguise, scrutinises her with his *True Strike* spell while questioning her about her business. She seems genuinely just trying to run a profitable business by buying items for less than they're worth and selling them for more.

Batthwack puts his magical battle-axe on the counter and suggests it's worth at least 150pp. Will doesn't know what it's worth but thinks it's more than that, and pretends that it used to belong to Batthwack's great grandfather, the king of Gully's End. The shopkeeper is confused for a second, before realising he's not talking about the current king. *"I was gonna say, if this was the axe of King Batthwack, I mean that would be..."* Batthwack suddenly feels very uncomfortable and wants to end this conversation. Will is incredulous and the shopkeeper says *"You don't know the name of the king of Gully's End?"* Will makes out that he's too important to know, and the shopkeeper buys it, so offers them the boots for 300pp, or 150pp and the axe. Will says they'll think about it, so the shopkeeper says this offer stands for 24 hours. Batthwack is starting to get mad and the crown feels like it's burning on his head. Will can sense Batthwack's anger, so suggests they walk away. Batthwack turns and reattaches the axe to his belt in a particularly kingly fashion, Will whispering "Billow" to make his cloak to billow impressively.

Outside, Sheemie is proudly showing off two single hairs on his upper lip, which he says he has grown specially for Will. Batthwack turns straight back around and goes back into the store, demanding that the shopkeeper show him the boots, to prove she really has them. She begrudgingly agrees, eventually returning with a stout wooden box. She unhooks a clasp and lifts the lid to reveal a dark green, velvet-cushioned interior and a set of dark brown leather boots. Batthwack needs convincing they're the real deal and although she initially refuses, he does persuade her to demonstrate them. She puts them on and rises a couple feet off the ground, her feet almost level with the top of the counter. *"Happy now?"* she says. Batthwack smiles and walks out again. The group traipse back towards the hotel to wait out the day and rest up.

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from Abby. Raphina is shopping for prayer beads so she can pray to the Luminescent Lobster of Love after Will tells the group he wants to go and check in on Mo. She jokingly asks Will for two copper, like a kid at the toy shop. KT/Will: *"Yeah, you just put it on the counter, Raphina. This is shopping day, okay? Treat yourself!"* Abby: *"Treat Mo-self!"*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: hardworking.

## References

1. ↑ KT reveals an interesting tidbit about Will, saying he can cook a little bit, though he obviously chooses to have someone else do it most of the time.
2. ↑ See episode 113: We Only Heard Lard
3. ↑ See episode 23: Ireena, Can You Give Us a Hand?
4. ↑ The axe was retrieved from the Gulthias Tree on Yester Hill, see episode 43: The Patriarchy Tree