The English Patient

**The English Patient** is the sixth episode of the third series of The Osbournes. It originally aired on Febuary 24, 2004.

## Summery

After three weeks in the hospital, Ozzy is released and continues to convalesce at his home in England. He and Sharon miss each other desperately. Ozzy develops a craving for éclairs, and cannot get enough of them. Meanwhile, Jack finally gets a hair cut after two years.

Sharon experiences more problems with her talk show. Publicists begin pulling their clients from the show because they do not approve of Sharon's behavior, and Sharon grows tired of the constant tinkering with the show (adding cooking segments and makeovers). She decides to quit the show, and no one really fights her on it. She and Ozzy agree that they will no longer work unless it is a project they can take together.

Ozzy is able to fly back home to Los Angeles, and is greeted warmly by the family.

## Memorable Quotes

"*He's fucked over bad?*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*Big Time, Jack.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*I'll never ride a quad bike as long as I live!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*The Doc said the other day, it's a good thing you don't remember because people that remember go in, go in..um...po-post traumatic syndrome. I won't go in a car again, I won't go out.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I died. Y'know I died twice! They had to put me on life support!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*For some reason, I'm really, really missing my wife. The fucking thing must have done something.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I am so annoyed with your husband, are you ready for this?*"
— Melinda Varga reading a magazine

"*He's gonna invent a neck brace that's comfortable.*"
— Melinda Varga

"*I-I feel like some fucking Kung-Fu expert given a fucking big whack to the neck. A Suzuki chop. Guarantee to stop a rock star in his place.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*You gotta get away from those chocolate eclairs.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*I must have gone down like a fucking rock, must have gone down like a fucking boulder*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*You were flying. You were literally flying.*"
— Sam

"*It's so humiliating when you have to take a crap in the middle of the fucking room. Doctors, nurses, patients walking past but you have no where to go and I hadn't gone for twelve days and I was so embarrassed. I-I was like "just show me the fucking toilet!"*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Hey miracle, daddy's gonna get a trim.*"
— Jack Osbourne to Lola

"*Been about two years since I had a hair cut.*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*The publicist was here, about someone who's gonna be on tomorrow, and -err Anthony Baginole? Napolgo...anyway the publicists was here for P.Diddy and she said, "he's not coming here" all because of my behaviour!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Oh for Fuck sake! Why are people so fucking miserable?!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*I'm not bitter! I'm glad I want to be a secret I want a small group of people to like me. I need to be underground, I need to be not to be well known!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*People don't like me no more.*"
— Sharon Osbourne to Jack

"*But mum, you asked Mandy if she had sex. You asked if she had sex with her boyfriend and you don't say that to her, I mean you wouldn't ask Kelly about her boyfriend. The thing is you don't ask that about Mandy Moore!*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*I know you don't like me professionally, but I am what I am.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*There's a girl down there called Suzy*"
— Tony Dennis

"*Don't tell me any names I'll forget.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*...Well There's a girl down there called Suzy and-*"
— Tony Dennis

"*I JUST TOLD YOU, DON'T TELL ME ANY NAMES cause I forget!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*But I have to address her by name when we get there-*"
— Tony Dennis

"*But Tony I have the memory of a fucking goldfish. I-I-I don't fucking remember anything.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*They won't let me say the things I wanna say, they won't let me do the things I wanna do. It's like I go there, the guest are all dropping off and they go "okay, so we're only gonna do shows on Human interest now we're gonna do a Makeover show!" I swore to myself I'd never do cooking, never do makeovers because I don't give a shit about them. They're making me do things about teen sex problems and all this shit, things I don't want to talk about. It's shit!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*I'm glad she done what she's done. She'd never stop working. I'd be there at night reading tomorrow's script.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I'm an oddball, I just don't "get it" do I?*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Every time I try to talk to him (Ozzy) he just mumbler, mumbler, mumbles. He just doesn't want to talk to me.*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*I can't tell this is really fucking stupid and you know it.*"
— Sharon Osbourne to Kelly

"*No it's not, I'm fixing your face!*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*Oh! Kelly! You made me look like a fucking idiot!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*I'd rather have yesterday's makeup on than fucking last week's. I look like fucking Tutankhamen!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*I'm just getting anxious. I just wanna get on the fucking plane.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I'm going home with eight broken ribs, broken collarbone, broken neck bone. I'm coming back with more than I came.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Sharon says she doesn't want anything over the top. Just thousands of dollars worth of balloons and a writing plane.*"
— Melinda Varga

"*Wo-would you mind going down to get some cake?*"
— Ozzy upon returning home

"*Eight broken ribs, fucking broken neck,broken fucking...I'm worth more in scrap metal than I am in bone! Do you- do you wanna buy a quad bike? It's-It's a bit damaged.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne on the phone

## Trivia

* The episode begins the same way the previous ended.
* The episode was rare to find on the internet as it was rarely repeated.