290: Between "Gaping" and Other Things

## Summary

Will scoops up the crowns with *Mage Hand*, though one of them mysteriously disappears when it's dropped on Bernard. Will and Bernard fly out of the city centre to hide the crown in a tree and while they're alone, the two of them catch up and try to figure out what's been going on with Bernard since Barovia. The party then regroups with Sheemie at the hotel and does a stocktake of their dam keys.

## Synopsis

Desperate to avoid touching either of the crowns, but also knowing they can't just be left where they are, Will casts *Mage Hand* and carefully lifts his off the floor. *"How do we tell if this thing can stick to us?"* he says uneasily. *"Are you worried about this getting into the wrong hands?"* asks Batthwack. *"Yeah. Also, it's expensive,"* replies Will. He suggests taking it somewhere out of harms way and hiding it. Rosco can't understand what all the fuss about magic is. *"I have a very simple, unfraught relationship with magic. For me, magic is just a dumb thing that has no real relevance for me personally,"* he says. Rosco obviously believes what he's saying, but he's clearly in denial; they've witnessed Rosco casting magic of his own a couple of times.

Batthwack eyes his crown anxiously, wondering how it can be moved without touching it, and this makes Will very nervous. Can Batthwack be trusted? Using the same *Mage Hand*, Will tries to scoop up Batthwack's crown, but they're awkward shapes and as he's lifting it off the ground, it slips and falls onto Bernard, suddenly vanishing into thin air as it makes contact with the dog's back. He yips with surprise and arches his head around to try and see what's going on. Will immediately and uncharacteristically gets down on his knees to swat around and see if the crown is there, but finds nothing. Batthwack's *Robe of Eyes* reveals no hidden crowns either. Bernard backs nervously away from the other crown as Will *Mage Hands* it away from him very gingerly. Rosco dog, on the other hand, is running around in circles underneath the dangling crown, trying to jump and snag it.

Will casts *Fly* on himself and Bernard, lifting them both off the ground. He's actually more concerned about Batthwack than anything, but he says *"I'm just gonna put it somewhere where nobody's gonna find it,"* and flies up and out of the Nitty Gritty Saloon's beer garden. Batthwack's annoyed that Will is cutting him out of the decision making process. They all agree to meet at the hotel and Will departs, flying out of the centre of town to somewhere more remote, where he hides the crown in the top of a tree, covering it as best he can in whatever foliage or natural gubbins come to hand.

On their way back to the hotel, Will uses this time away from the others to quiz Bernard. He wonders how he can tell that Bernard is the *real* Bernard. *"I have no idea,"* says Bernard. *"I mean, ask me something only I would know. I was with you for a long time in Barovia in this weird form and then I was gone."* *"Why are you back? What are you doing here? What has happened? Where have you been?"* questions Will. Bernard recounts the events leading up to his disappearance: how he, Madelyn and Frederick had appeared before Will deep in the catacombs of Castle Ravenloft, *"And then we were gone. And I was gone. There was nothing."* He describes how the next thing he knew was being in the forests on the outskirts of Barovia as the party made their way to the airship tower. *"There was, like, purple. And then I was a centipede."* *"What's your wife's name?"* shouts Will urgently, trying to catch him off guard. Bernard doesn't hesitate in answering. *"Josette. That's my wife's name. My kids: Leona, Thomas and Arthur, the twins, Winifred. You would come over and get drunk with me."* This is pointless, they realise; these questions would be no test for an all-knowing and malevolent god.

Bernard explains that after he returned, he couldn't get close to Will, describing some kind of haze between them. He also says that there were times this force wasn't as strong, for example when Will made Batthwack fly, and when the two of them had bought the bar together. He explains how he could somehow get close and talk to Raphina, but that whatever this barrier was, it was particularly strong during their time in Morrow's Inlet. *"It's all gone now,"* he says, saying that it was at after the events in the hotel with the orbs, some time after one of them had turned to dust in Raphina's hand.

Will and Bernard arrive back at the Toggle Hotel and are floating down to the ground just as the others arrive, having enjoyed a carefree and uneventful walk across the river into the Highground district. They make their way up to the suite and find Sheemie there. Raphina points out that Gwen's room is now spare and Rosco is very excited to be able to sleep in a proper bed for a change. It's only mid-morning, but he's exhausted having been up all the previous night drinking and pepping himself up for his assault on the Sooty Gang. Rosco's quite happy letting the others get on and discuss keys and whatnot, even saying he doesn't remember them using his key to open the book, which baffles Raphina.

Raphina asks Sheemie if he's managed to remove the boots yet, but he says they're still stuck fast. Will side-eyes Batthwack, checking for his reaction, but the dragonborn only seems generally bemused by this incredible situation. Will gives Sheemie another roasting for endangering the group with his reckless thievery, adding that it's not surprising the boots have some sort of magical protection. Rosco asks for the *Potion of Water Breathing* and winds up Sheemie by suggesting they kick him out of the group for being so reckless. This was apparently a popular prank they used to play on each other during his time at the circus.

Raphina asks if they definitely have all the dam keys now and Batthwack suddenly realises that the key around his neck is missing. Will chuckles and smugly reveals all the keys. While Batthwack doesn't seem to mind that he was pickpocketed, he does suggest it's not wise for one person to carry all the keys. Rosco needs reminding that the keys are supposed to get them under the lake where the Aeonian Anglerfish is supposedly trapped. That's also where the dragon is supposed to be, but Rosco doesn't think it exists. The rest of the group assure him that it does exist, and Will recalls the Grand Tabernacle of Bahamut whose mission it was to deny the dragon's existence.

Will's resistant when Raphina asks to hold onto one of the keys, and Rosco pipes up too, saying he'd like one. He reassures Will that he'd keep it perfectly safe, but this is somewhat undermined when, embarrassingly, he realises he can't find his wooden key, having forgotten that he gave it to Will.

## Quotes

* Add memorable quotes from the episode here!

## Trivia

* The episode title comes from something Alex said. In the pre-game chat, KT was talking about having to include the podcast on their tax return because of Ko-fi donations. Adam said: *"That's what I had to do with my OnlyFans,"* and suggested any interested Pork Fried Dice listeners check him out. Everyone said they didn't know what his account was called, but Adam was fine with that, not particularly wanting any of them to subscribe. Adam went on the clarify, *"I'm not doing any, like, gaping asshole stuff on all my OnlyFans"* KT: *"I don't know what you do."* Eric: *"Just closed, tight asshole?"* Adam: *"I'm telling you right now I haven't posted a single one of those"* Alex: *"That only rules that out. It doesn't rule anything else out."* Eric: *"In fact it suggests way more than if you had said nothing."* Alex: *"That's right, there's really a lot of room between "gaping" and other things."*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: muy caliente, which translates in Spanish to **very hot/spicy**. It was previously described as **extra spicy** in the description for Episode 289.

## Recap Song

This episode featured Abby doing a recap parody of *Jabberwocky*, the poem by Lewis Carroll!

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ KT describes Will's *Mage Hand* as looking like he's manipulating puppet strings, *"almost like there's strings that are coming from my hand, but not all the way to the object."*
2. ↑ See episodes 280: Intestines Gloobing Everywhere and 283: One Does Not Simply Walk Into BoarDoor, for example
3. ↑ See episode 163: Physician, Heal Thyself
4. ↑ See episode 164: A Star Trek-Themed Campaign
5. ↑ See episode 171: So You Guys Are Gonna Be The Balloons Now?
6. ↑ See episode 177: You're The Best Turtle I Know
7. ↑ See episode 200: Abby, We Hear Your Face!
8. ↑ See episode 260: Batthwack Yells And Then Smashes... \*gasp\*
9. ↑ See episode 261: I Popped SO MANY Water Balloons!
10. ↑ Will obviously slipped Sheemie the wrong key when he told him to go back to the Dam Top Inn, and Sheemie must have discovered this when he got there. Plot hole fixed!
11. ↑ See episode 275: Am I Ever Gonna Make Any Friends?
12. ↑ See episode 256: SmareSmoggle
13. ↑ Or did Rosco give his wooden key to Raphina? See episode 284: Tusk Me In the Dick