Urist McFortloaf

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**Urist McFortloaf** was a character played by Connor, now deceased.

## Background

Urist is a fairly straightforward fellow. Honest, good ol' dwarfy labor is the key to success in any endeavor. You really CAN solve a lot of problems with a hammer, if you apply it correctly. And if you can design better tools, all the better! You have to succeed on your own merits, though.

Urist was a newly-minted guard in the great fortress Mansiononslaught, in which the legendary axe "The Tactical Burial" was kept.

One day, he and his two best friends, Stran Athru and Xetan Thuthu, visited a nearby village, Soaredcolors. They were having a drink at the tavern, when a gang of [REDACTED] toughs burst in the door like they owned the place. Urist was reaching for his battleaxe when he noticed all the townsfolk staring down into their drinks. The [REDACTED] had been harassing the town for weeks! As they intimidated the bartender into giving them free ale and "protection" money, Urist decided that he would not stand for it, and punched the leader's lights out. Weapons were drawn, and ultimately Urist and his friends slew the [REDACTED], though Stran was severely wounded. They took him back to the fort to get medical care, and thought little more of the matter. One month later, Urist awoke to the sound of distant screams. He quickly strapped on his armor, and grabbing his trusty axe rushed out of his room to see a world in flames. Burning pitch was pouring by the tens of gallons down the stairway to the surface, igniting all it touched. The air was thick with smoke and the odor of burnt flesh. Choking, Urist dashed to the vault in the lowest level, sealing himself in with several dozen others of his kin. He asked them what was going on, and was informed that several local [REDACTED] tribes had descended upon the fortress in force, had used magic to sabotage the gate mechanisms, and started pumping pitch in. Urist joined his kin in frantically digging a tunnel out the back of the vault. The air was growing thin, and dwarves were starting to fall into slumber when finally picks struck through the wall, allowing light and air to flood in. A ragged cheer arose, and the dwarves started to run out, crying with relief. Urist hung back to help those who'd inhaled too much smoke. He was helping an old dwarf out of the hole when the first flight of arrows cut through the fugitive dwarves. The [REDACTED] had heard the digging and waited. Urist turned to run back into the passage, but was struck in the back by a crossbow bolt, and blacked out from the pain. The slaughter of the dwarves was complete. Save one. Hours later, Urist awoke, the body of the elderly dwarf atop him. He was the last. He ran. Far, and long, until he found a place to nurse his wounds and recover.

Urist spent a year wandering the region known as "The Most Hills", and spent particular time in the forest Nuggetflickered sorting out his thoughts. It was here he learned Sylvan, and here that he decided that tragedies were inevitable; but could be ameliorated. Thus he became a healer. His contact with nature and innate curiosity led him to wish to understand the world. Having spoken to a human wizard some years earlier engaged in study of the natural world, he recalled that one must use "science" to gain understanding. So he claimed "science" as his following, and it is "science" from which he gains his spells (or so he thinks).

After deciding to venture forth, Urist visited local villages, asking if they had any trouble with bandits or wild beasts, and then hunting them down for a pittance. Urist had a particular fondness for slaying [REDACTED].

Urist was reasonably pleased with his path of aiding those in need by slaying the wicked. However, one day, he encountered a city, and multiple citizens claimed a vampire was preying upon them! Urist steeled himself and searched the city without success for a week. Finally, he spoke to the lord of the city. The antechamber was large, stone-walled, and had large stained glass windows. The lord was unable to tell him anything useful, but Urist spied two red-robed figures with gaunt faces. They introduced themselves as the Holy Shell and the Sacred Hollow, apparently the head of one of the city's religions. They struck him as slightly off, particularly their jewelry. It appeared to be made of... fingernails? And the other's amulet appeared to be made of flesh and hair. Urist realized on the spot that they must be the vampires! He struck them down without warning, yelling "For Science!" as they fell readily beneath his axe. He quickly explained to the lord that they had been the vampires preying on the city. An assistant performed a magical inspection of the bodies, only to find... human!? Urist had committed murder. Before the lord could make up his mind what to do, Urist fled. Turns out, killing the innocent feels no different than killing the wicked. After narrowly dodging arrest, Urist made his way to Niska, to make a life beyond the  reach of the law.