"Remains of the Day"/Barkis' information

This is how "Remains of the Day" and Barkis' information goes in Harry Potter and the Corpse Bride.

[Just then, Victor, Harry, Ron and Hermione wake up in the Land of the Dead]

Alfred: New arrivals.

Emily: They must've fainted. Are you all right?

Ron Weasley: Whoa. What the bloody heck just happened?

Alfred: By Jove, man. Looks like we've got ourselves breathers.

Mrs. Plum: Do they have dead brothers?

Skeleton boy: They're still soft.

Harry Potter: [helps Victor up] Hey, these people are dead. There are skeletons and zombies.

General Bonesapart: A toast, then. [drinks a pint and passes it to General Wellington] To the newlyweds and to our honored guests.

Hermione Granger: Honored guests?

Victor Van Dort: Newlyweds?

Harry Potter: This is not normal.

Emily: In the woods, Victor said his vows so perfectly. [shows them the ring]

Victor Van Dort: I did?

Harry Potter: You mean he married you?

Emily: Of course, silly. [giggles]

Hermione Granger: Oh, boy.

Harry Potter: [sees Paul] Guys, there's a head waiter.

Paul: Coming through, coming through. Bonjour. My name is Paul, l am the head waiter. I will be creating your wedding feast.

Maggot: [pops out] Wedding feast! I'm salivated.

Harry Potter: A worm?

[Emily slaps her eye closed]

Emily: Maggots. [giggles]

Hermione Granger: Really not normal.

Victor Van Dort: Keep away!

Harry Potter: Okay, calm down. Fellas, we need some questions, please.

General Bonesapart: Answers. I think you mean answers.

Harry Potter: Thank you, sir. [to Emily] We need answers. What's going on here? Where are we? Who are you?

Emily: Well, that's kind of a long story.

Bonejangles: What a story it is.

[They see Bonejangles in the spotlight]

Bonejangles: A tragic tale of romance, passion and murder most foul.

General Bonesapart: This is gonna be good.

Ron Weasley: I, for one, would love to hear it, with a chapter and verse, please.

Bonejangles: Hit it, boys.

[The spotlight color turns green as Bonejangles knocks his Bone Boys' heads as another skeleton plays a piano]

Bonejangles: Hey, give me a listen~

You corpses of cheer~

At least those of you~

Who still got an ear~

I'll tell you a story~

Make a skeleton cry~

Of our own jubiliciously~

Lovely Corpse Bride~

Corpses: Die, die, we all pass away~

But don't wear a frown~

Because it's really okay~

You might try and hide~

And you might try and pray~

But we all end up~

The remains of the day~

Bonejangles: That's right~

Well, our girl was a beauty~

Known for miles around~

Til a mysterious horned stranger~

Came into town~

He was plenty good-looking~

But down on his cash~

And our poor little baby~

She fell hard and fast~

When her daddy said no~

She just couldn't cope~

So our lovers came up~

With a plan to elope~

Corpses: Die, die, we all pass away~

But don't wear a frown~

Because it's really okay~

You might try and hide~

And you might try and pray~

But we all end up~

The remains of the day~

Bonejangles: That's right~

Okay~

Oh, yeah~

Come on, boys, pick it up~

Yeah~

Like it~

Okay, Chancy, take it~

Yeah~

Yeah~

That's nice~

So they conjured up a plan~

To meet late at night~

They told not a soul~

Kept the whole thing tight~

Now, her mother's wedding dress~

Fit like a glove~

You don't need much~

When you're really in love~

Except for a few things~

Or so I'm told~

Like the family jewels~

And a satchel of gold~

Then next to the graveyard~

By the old oak tree~

On a dark foggy night~

At a quarter to three~

She was ready to go~

But where was he?~

And then?~

Bonejangles: She waited~

And then?~

Bonejangles: There in the shadows, was it her man?~

And then?~

Bonejangles: Her little heart beat so loud~

And then?~

Bonejangles: And then, baby, everything went black~

Now, when she opened her eyes~

She was dead as dust~

Her jewels were missing~

And her heart was bust~

So she made a vow~

Lying under that tree~

That she'd wait for her true love~

To come set her free~

Always waiting for someone~

To ask for her hand~

Then out of the blue~

Comes this groovy young man~

Who vows forever~

To be by her side~

And that's the story~

Of our Corpse Bride~

Corpses: Die, die, we all pass away~

But don't wear a frown~

Because it's really okay~

You might try and hide~

And you might try and pray~

But we all end up~

The remains of the day~

Bonejangles: Yeah~

[Victor runs outside as Harry, Ron and Hermione follow him as we return above]

[Victoria glares from inside the window]

Maudeline Everglot: Victoria, come away from the window.

[She walks off to her parents]

Nell Van Dort: Oh, I'm sure he'll be back shortly. He's terrified of the dark. In fact, when he was a boy, he used to wet his combinations regularly, didn't he, William?

[They hear a knock on the door]

Finis Everglot: Enter.

[Barkis enters]

Maudeline Everglot: Lord Barkis. I trust the room is to your liking.

Barkis Bittern: Thank you. You are a most gracious hostess, which is why it pains me to be the bearer of such bad news.

[He snaps his fingers as the town crier arrives]

Barkis Bittern: Would you care to repeat tonight's headline for us?

Town crier: Hear ye, hear ye! Victor Van Dort, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger seen this night on the bridge in the arms of a mystery woman! The dark-haired temptress, Master Van Dort and his friends slipped away into the night! And now, the weather. Scattered showers--

Barkis Bittern: Enough! That will be all.

[The town crier leaves]

Nell Van Dort: Mystery woman? He doesn't even know any women!

Barkis Bittern: Or so you thought, [walks off] Do call if you need my assistance, in *any* way. [closes the door]

Maudeline Everglot: Good heavens, Finis, what should we do?

Finis Everglot: Fetch me musket.

Nell Van Dort: Oh, William, do something.

William Van Dort: [takes the musket] The town crier probably had a slow news day. You know how it is, you just need something to cry about.

Finis Everglot: Regardless, we are one groom short for the wedding tomorrow. Not to mention the fanatical implications.

Maudeline Everglot: A most scandalous embarrassment for us all.

Nell Van Dort: Oh, give us a chance to find them, we beg of you. Just give us until dawn.

Maudeline Everglot: Very well. Till dawn.

[In another part of the mansion, Barkis builds a communications device as it projects a hologram of Red Skull]

Red Skull: What's the status?

Barkis Bittern: Van Dort and his allies are in the arms of a mystery woman, and out of your way.

Red Skull: Just as we predicted. Follow the plan, and I promise you will get what has been denied of you for thousands of years. My minions, Whirlwind and Radioactive Man, will join you momentarily.

[The transmission cuts off as Whirlwind and Radioactive Man approach Red Skull]