Thanos

"*Let's put a smile on that face!*"
―Thanos

**Thanos** likes to kill things and make them dead. He has an obsession with his rock candy collection and will do whatever it takes to complete it, including getting his Lucky Golden Glove to bitch slap some bitches.

## Biography

### Life as Fluffy

Fluffy was originally just another Humanoid Rock on a planet full of Humanoid Rocks. When he got older, he noticed that there were too many Humanoid Rocks on his planet. He tried to ask them to stop fucking each other and making babies so recklessly, but they didn't listen to him. He left his people behind while all the other Humanoid Rocks bred themselves to death so hard it threw the planet off its axis somehow.

### The Family Man

Thanos begins to travel the galaxy, meeting all kinds of interesting people and then killing them. He then, out of the kindness of his heart, began to adopt orphans who sadly lost their lives to Thanos's fist and balance fetish. One of these was Gamora, who Thanos immediately liked because she ineffectually punched one of his minions. He's then further impressed by her ability to quickly master balance, a feat he thought only he was capable of.

### After *Age of Ultron*

He steals the Purple Rock Candy. He blows up Zandar.

### Finishing What Hella Started

"*I know what it's like to lose.*"
―Thanos reading the Avengers 4 script
Thanos invades the Asgardian refuge ship and beats the shit out of everyone. He then tries to scare them all by his ability to hold Thor by the chest, yet be holding his head three shots later. However, he neglects that they have a Hulk. Thanos makes up for this by beating the shit out of him too. Like, he REALLY beats the shit out of him. Then he kills Heimdal. He then reveals a horrifying secret: He's BALD!

Thanos strips off his badass looking armor because symbolism or some shit. He then smashes the magic rubix cube and finds the rock candy surprise inside. However, as he places it on his lucky mitten, it moves towards the purple rock candy, making it off balance, something Thanos desperately wants to fix, so he sets his children out to find the other rock candies. Then he kills Loki, but only does it out of self-defense because Thanos is always justified. Then he blows up the ship.

### Family Reunion

Thanos travels to nowhere in search of the third rock candy. After finding it, he sets up an elaborate trap and waits for hours for his adopted daughter to show up. She finally arrives and Thanos shows off his best acting skills as he pretends to be killed by her. But then he reveals he's just kidding and temporarily murders Drax and Mantis. Then Star Lord appears and Thanos, still bitter about how easily Gamora killed him, tries to get Star Lord to kill Gamora. But he changes his mind at the last minute and makes bubbles. Then he portals out of there.

## Personality

Thanos suffers from a severe and crippling case of OCD and as such is unable to stomach a universe that he considers to be off balance and does not fit his particular perfect arrangement. This even extends to the types of items he keeps on him, carrying switchblades that must be perfectly balanced. Luckily for him on his quest to wipe half the populations of planets, he has never encountered a race with an odd number of inhabitants.

## Powers & Abilities

### Powers

* **Bitch Slappin**
* **Sitting**
* **Smiling**

### Equipment

* **Lucky Golden Glove**
* **Rock Candy:** Collect all 6!