Feathers and Blood

> *"Every culture’s gotta have their own special apocalypse scenario"*
> - Alt Schwift X
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Long time members of the SchwiftySquwad speak wistfully of the golden days, and indeed some truly wonderful and great things did happen in the first year of Squwad. But a thorough study of the annals of Squwad history also reveals it to be a year of chaos and serious emotional turmoil.

## The Schwiftpolalypse

Not even three weeks after the founding of the group, disaster struck. On July 3rd, 2017, Alt Schwift X decided to brave the previously proclaimed gross-ness of Facebook and joined the group as **Alt Schwiftex**. But what could have been a time of wonder and happiness, was promptly turned to misery: He was immediately kicked out by moderators Stephanie Morris and Rikke Holmberg.

The moderators claimed to have been suspicious of the account being an imposter, but soon after realized that they had indeed kicked the real Schwift from the group. This apparently set Sane Dane and ultimate fangirl Holmberg in a state of panic, as can be seen from her first-hand account on the Alt Schwift X subreddit, while Morris on the other hand gleefully assumed the new status of the rebellious Queen beyond the wall. The Squwad was in full riot and produced a storm of memes depicting the event.

Eventually, Holmberg did manage to right her wrongs, convince Schwift to re-join the group and restore order to the realm. Magnificent sea creature and founder of SchwiftySquwad Hairless Oyster took the opportunity to promote both Morris and Holmberg from mods to full-blown admins. Schwift himself expressed amusement in a brief mention of the events in the next livestream.

## The Long Night

Approximately two weeks later another serious blow hit the community of Schwiftites, as the Alt Schwift X video "Game of Thrones S7E02 Splained" (bork bork) was unfairly taken down by YouTube for copyright infringement. Schwift was hereafter banned from doing livestreams for three full months. This period, known in the SchwiftySquwad as **The Long Night***,* saw only four recorded episodes of Schwifty wisdom. For the followers who had gotten used to three weekly livestreams (Monday, Wednesday and Friday, 9pm eastern time) these were perilous times indeed.

It is however likely that Schwift was locked in a closet by his twin brother Alt Shift X during this time, while Shift himself was making weekly explainer videos for GoT Season 7. (This is known to have happened on at least one occasion, since Shift later admitted in a Patreon livestream (Jan. 19th 2018), that Schwift had escaped from the closet, and that having Schwift on the loose terrified him).

## Schwiftpocalypse 2.0 - Feathers and Blood

A dramatic depiction of the traumatic events, variously referred to as **Schwiftpocalypse 2.0**, **The Great Schwism**, **The Schwivel War**, **The War of the Seven Admins**, and **The Third Great Emu War**, that ravaged the Squwad on the 9th of August 2017, can be experienced in an epic reading by Official Squwad Bard Kelly Theobald.

In the absence of Schwift, a draught had seized the minds and souls of the Schwiftites, and chaos descended upon the Squwad. Several members started acting out in strange and disturbing ways - the most likely explanation being the whole group suffering from Voice crush fever. The Squwad fell into revolution and riot, as the lack of Schwift finally caused Stephanie Morris to go full Emu. In a fury of feathers and blood, she started kicking out innocent and unsuspecting members from the group, eventually forcing the Mollusc that rides, Hairless Oyster to exile her. This ignited a regular civil war of memes and gifs, where the emu supporters of Morris fought against the gravity defying goats led by Rikke. Even as Morris was let back in by her admin ally, Adva Lanciano, the violence did not cease.

## Stabbing of Schwift

Amidst the trials and tribulations, Schwift stopped by the group for a brief comment, which inexplicably caused Facebook to suspend the Alt Schwiftex account. Understandably, this at first sent the Squwad into a state of absolute confusion and despair. However, it did eventually seem to spark a more peaceful time. The emu and goat factions of the Squwad managed to set aside their differences in the shared sorrow of losing the presence of their spiritual guidance and the fear of the seemingly undying honey badgers. Hence the civil war ended with the **Sacred Marshmallow Truce of August 11th**. This historic occasion was also beautifully chronicled by Theobald.

A few days later Schwift acknowledged the withdrawal symptoms, and in the understatement of the year suggested that members of the Squwad were going “slightly nutty”.

## Glimmers of light

In an attempt to keep the depressed devotees from going crazy during the long night, a range of collaborative projects like The Forsaken and Petyr Poems Picture Book were now initiated. The SchwiftySquwad Youtube channel took flight, and the world also saw the first real life Squwad meetup. On sep. 13th, after the longest break between episodes the Schwiftites had yet experienced, their devotion, perseverance and hard work was acknowledged by Schwift, who featured the SchwiftySquwad channel and blog and proclaimed “*I fookin' love it!*”

Finally, on Oct. 17th Schwift was again allowed to livestream, and for a time the future again looked bright for the Schwiftites.

## Death and resurrection

But alas, the suffering was not yet over. Nov. 6th would bring yet another tragedy, as the Squwad awoke to the realization that the entire Alt Schwift X channel had disappeared from YouTube, and that the Facebook account of Schwift's daughter Sally Port, who had briefly been a member of the group, had also been suspended. The Squwad was divided between those in deep depression and those calling the banners, getting ready to march on the YouTube headquarters.

The takedown of the channel was quickly revealed to be the result of someone accusing Alt Schwift X of impersonating Alt Shift X. Schwift himself tweeted "shoot Flexo!", while he privately assured his followers that everything was going to be alright.

Four days of absolute darkness now engulfed the realm of the Schwiftites, until finally the resurrected Alt Schwift X rose on Nov. 10th.

## The voice of Schwift

The first poem of the Petyr Poem Picture Book was posted on the SchwiftySquwad blog on Dec. 9th, and the most precious of gift of all was bestowed upon the Squwad, as Schwift decided to do voice messages where he read of the poems and expressed his love and admiration for the projects of the group, assuring the continued devotion of the Schwiftites in the years to come.

## References

1. ↑ Game of Thrones Abridged, #24, Daenerys III, AGOT 2:09
2. ↑ Can someone summarize the FB drama?
3. ↑ Game of Thrones Abridged #60, Catelyn IX, AGOT 1:06:01
4. ↑ Game of Thrones S7E02 Splained
5. ↑ Schwiftpocalypse 2.0 by Kelly Theobald
6. ↑ The Mashmallow Truce, by Kelly Theobald
7. ↑ Game of Thrones Abridged #69, Daenerys IX, AGOT 35:09
8. ↑ Game of Thrones Abridged #70, Tyrion IX, AGOT 1:37
9. ↑ Lamenting the Exile of Schwift
10. ↑ Alt Schwift X on Twitter, Nov. 6th 2017
11. ↑ Petyr Poem No. 1 read by Schwift
12. ↑ Petyr Poem No. II read by Schwift