Episode 41: "Where's My Robe, Sweetie?" (w/ Joshua Conkel)

*This week the Queerwolves are joined by writer Joshua Conkel (The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, A Series of Unfortunate Events) to discuss the sensual 1971 lesbian vampire flick DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS!   Michael critiques Elizabeth Bathory’s burial technique, Sam rapid-fire references Love Actually, Nay engages some but not all of her senses, and Brennan makes an Animorphs confession.   Plus, in Tea Time we sip on CHILD’S PLAY, GIRLFRIENDS, TALES OF THE CITY, and BIT![1]*

## **Trivia**

Topics brought up during the episode: Sam's short *The Quiet Room*

## **Shady Summaries**

Joshua: This is my first Shady Summary, so bear with me.

Michael: I have high hopes

Joshua: Three beautiful women and one okay-face man from Dark Shadows brood around a luxury Belgian hotel. Plus there are vampires

Michael: A-plus!

Brennan: Perfect fit. You should not have been shy about that at all

Sam: When a violent monster decides she wants the wife of another violent monster, she must arrange for a transfer of ownership

Brennan: Oh God

Joshua: Wow

Brennan: That's accurate

Nay: Wow

Michael: That's dark

Nay: A nice movie to look at, a nice movie to listen to, but not necessarily at the same time

Michael: If couples just admitted they hated each other they'd save a whole lot of fuckin' pain

Brennan: A lesbian vampire movie that would rather be about luxury dresses than lesbians or vampires, and I only resent that a little

## **Pride Float**

Brennan: At the end of every episode, we talk about whether or not the movie deserves a Pride float. Just in terms of how it represents its LGBTQ characters or how it's, I dunno, if it's fun, or just whatever

Brennan: I think we can start with Michael and work our way to you, Josh. Get the room warm for you

Joshua: Sure

Michael: I think it does. Then and now

Brennan: Okay, what would it look like? What would you put on it?

Michael: I'm thinkin' Nay's staircase

Nay: (sotto voce) Right

Brennan: It's a good foundation

Michael: But, it could also be a big fucking whole pile of sand

Sam: Mmm-hmm

Michael: And there's just men dressed like Stefan in robes, with their bare hands just scooping up sand

Brennan: It really is, I think, indicative that you chose to have a bunch of men on the float, which is how Pride goes

Nay: Right

Brennan: (chuckling) In this movie starring three women

Nay: Lesbian movie. Let's have all men on the float

Michael: "Ooops!"

Brennan: Sorry. I didn't mean to call you out like that. Look, I know the robe's the one and only, your one true love

Michael: Yeah

Brennan: So I'm sorry for mocking that

Michael: It's okay

Brennan: It's a very special bond that you two have

Brennan: Nay, what do you think?

Nay: I think yes, then and now. Not exactly sure what it would look like, but also  definitely a party. It has to have a party.

Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Michael: In that hotel?

Nay: It has to be a vampire party. A co-party with all the other lesbian vampire movies that we've made throw a party

Brennan: Yeah!

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: Oh my God, like Susan Sarandon from The Hunger is hanging out with the Vampyros Lesbos and Countess Bathory. That'd be great

Nay: Mmm-hmm

Sam: You know, it's funny, I was thinking, "No," while I was watching the film, especially in the moment when the Countess leads her away from the train station and she's like, "No, go be with your abusive husband." But then by the end, with that moment, that turn where she gets to choose her own identity, there's no way this doesn't get a Pride float. Then and now, it has one. It's a giant crystal bowl--

Michael: That's good

Sam: With… I want go-go dancers again, like last time, but with ferns, they're all ferns. They have fern capes

Nay: I love that

Sam: There are a lot of, and then drag queens and each one of them has a different Bathory look, extra sparkle

Nay: Iconic

Michael: (amused) "Extra sparkle"

Sam: Yeah. Red paint. And if there's a way to make the float fade to red. I don't know how we would do it, but we would do it

Brennan: Like raising a curtain of some kind?

Nay: The crystal bowl turns red?

Sam: Yes!

Michael: Some sort of spotlight?

Sam: Yeah, that's it

Joshua: I think it does get a float, then and now. I think the float is goth as fuck, it's just black with a grand staircase on it

Nay: Okay, love that part

Joshua: There are beautiful women on it that are just making out and writhing around like Dracula's brides. And on the staircase is the Countess Bathory in her shimmery dress, just lighting candles

Nay: Oh my God!

Michael: Just walking back and forth?

Joshua: Or, alt, she's wearing her shimmery black cloak and she lifts her arms into the air like Dracula

Brennan: Ooooh, yes!

Sam: Ooooh

Nay: Full sail. Yes!

Joshua: Yes, exactly

Sam: Yes

Brennan: That's the end of the parade route

Nay: I live for that

Michael: That's the Grand Marshal, bitch

Joshua: And somehow we release bats. Real bats into the--

Sam: Real bats

Nay: (laughing) Yes! (regular voice) That is the most amazing Pride float I have ever heard of

Joshua: Oh, thanks

Nay: Yeah, I love that.

Brennan: I'm so happy I get to follow that.

Nay: Releasing the bats

Brennan: That sounds so fun

Brennan: I'll do mine really quick. Yes, and it would be, you know that shot you were talking about where you just see her lips in the light? It's just that, except instead of shadow, it's ferns covering everything else around her

Joshua: It's kind of like the Rocky Horror red lips just surrounded by ferns?

Brennan: Yeah. That's all you get!

Joshua: Yeah

Nay: Also cute

Brennan: I think that's the first movie in a while we've unanimously agreed deserves to be at Pride in some way?

Michael: Yeah, I'm trying to think of the last all Pride floated movie. It's been a long time

Brennan: It's been a minute. There's been a lot of controversial films on this show

Nay: Right
Sam: (feigned innocence) I don't know what you're talking about

## **Quotes**

Brennan: We're recovering from the ultimate high of our live show last week. But I thought, you know, a little bit of hair of the dog, let's have something really exciting, so--

Sam: What?

Michael: You never heard of "hair of the dog"?

Sam: No!

Brennan: What?

Nay: You've probably done it

Michael: You know, when you're hungover and you start drinking right away in the morning

Nay: To help your hangover

Sam: Ohh

Brennan: Yeah, like a bloody Mary is supposed to help your hangover 'cause you're still drunk

Nay: You've done it, but it has a name. Yeah

Brennan: God, that phrase. I have been learning-- like my boyfriend hadn't heard that one either. I guess it just hasn't hit the world and I thought that it had

Nay: The Perfection is tryin' to get the word out there

Brennan: Yes

Michael: Yeah

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: Anyway, the hair of the dog I was referring to is that we have a very special guest

Nay: Oh!

Brennan: You may know him as a writer for The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina and also A Series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix, his name's Joshua Conkel and he's in the room with us. Hello!

Joshua: Hi! I'm so glad to be here!

Michael: Hi, Joshua!

Brennan: Thank you so much for joining us

Joshua: Yay! Also, I know a little bit about that phrase. It's short for, "The hair of the dog that bit me."

Brennan: Yes

Nay: Ohhhhh

Joshua: And it's super old-timey and that's why people don't know it, it's like Thirties, Forties

Nay: "The hair of the dog that bit me"

Brennan: That makes sense

Nay: That makes more sense

Brennan: I am extremely old

Sam: Wow.

Brennan: I'm eighty-five

Joshua: You're a vampire

Michael: (to Brennan) You are an old spirit

Nay: Internally, for sure

Brennan: I am

Michael: You really are. And I love that about you

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: Thank you

Sam: (to Brennan) But when you were prancing around on-stage at our live show? All youth. Just all over (indistinct)

Michael: Oh yeah. It was like youthfulness prancing around with just that wisdom on the top of his head

Brennan: What else do we like about me?

Michael: That's it!

Sam: (to Brennan) There's that image of me with my jaw on the floor while you're doing it, and it may be my favorite thing from the entire night

Brennan: Awwww! Thank you

Sam: I love you Brennan

Brennan: And I mean, if you didn't come to our live show, you obviously got to hear it. But you missed out, so next one we have, you should come!

(Michael laughs)

Brennan: Was that too mean?

Michael: No!

Brennan: I got a little bit of a spit-take

Michael: That's great

Brennan: Be there or be square

Sam: I saw two movies I hated

Brennan: Okay, start with the first one and then continue to the second one

Michael: Oh, I saw one

Sam: Okay, I mean I don't even know if they're worth talking about, but Child's Play, sorry, I know everybody really liked it

Brennan: Oh, 2019?

Sam: Yeah, it's just like, uch, when you take out-- it's just, it is what straight people would write a Child's Play movie to be. It does the job. Sorry, I know i have a lot of friends who worked on it

Joshua: I really didn't like it either. I thought it was unnecessarily mean, which is weird because I'm a horror buff, but something about those kills was really ugly and unnecessary

Michael: Especially the mother

Sam: Yeah

Joshua: Yeah!

Michael: Which I was like--

Joshua: Why her?

Michael: Why? 'Cause she said, "I wanna be your best friend"?

Joshua: She's barely in the movie, she's just in there to get killed in that automatic car and it's sort of fucked up

Michael: Yeah. I had fun 'cause I was with a friend who just thought it was the dumbest shit so he was laughing throughout the whole movie, so I had a really good time 'cause of him, but it was definitely-- as soon as I left the theater I couldn't tell you anything that happened

Sam: Completely forgettable

Michael: Yeah

Sam: Except one thing. And it's not a spoiler. It's just, instead of taking place in a department store, the whole thing takes place at a Big Lots. What the fuck?!? They're ordering Buddi at a Big Lots?!

Michael: Well, yeah, they're doing it at a dollar store

Sam: It's like not even a Wal-Mart

Michael: Mmm-hmm

Sam: I mean this thing is like--

Joshua: That might just be indicative of the budget, though. I don't know. I just got-- it's all in an apartment--

Brennan: Speaking as someone who shopped at Big Lots three days ago…

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: It is a store that provides many great services and furnishings

Nay: Oh, great furniture

Brennan: Yeah

Sam: I am not reading Big Lots. I found Ali Lohan's Christmas album there once, which I am a huge fan of, and where else are you gonna find that?

Brennan: I have literally never heard of that person

Sam: Lindsay Lohan's little sister

Brennan: I mean, context clues I assumed, but it has never crossed my desk

Michael: (laughing to the point of tears) I'm dying!

Sam: There's a song on it called "A Lohan Holiday" and they squeeze so many syllables into it

Joshua: Is the mom on the album at any point? Dina?

Sam: No, but--

Michael: Oh, that bitch was sittin' at a Friday's, drinkin'

Sam: Second film was Bit. Have you guys heard of Bit? It's like a queer vampire film

Michael: Oh, BJ (Colangelo) was talking about that on Twitter the other day

Sam: People love it. I was so here for it until it had, um, I can't. It just--

Michael: Did it have a Perfection-like turn?

Sam: It has a turn that undoes what it stands for, I think. Or what I felt like I thought it was doing but does some positive things. I'm curious to hear what other people think and I'm sure I will once other people have seen it

Michael: I haven't seen it. (To Joshua) Have you seen it?

Joshua: Mm-mmm. Nope

Michael: Nay? You seen it?

Nay: Mm-mmm

Brennan: How did you acquire this upon thine eyes?

Sam: Well, I can say it's gonna be at San Francisco at Frameline. Or it is, it's at Frameline right now and it's doing the festival circuit

Brennan: Great! Fair enough

Brennan: So Nay, what have you been watching?

Nay: I was like, "I feel like I went to a movie theater recently." I was like, "Oh yeah. Sleepaway Camp II."

Brennan: I saw an Instagram post of yours about the movie Alucarda. Did you end up watching it?

Nay: No, I haven't watched it yet. I was driving all day today

Brennan: Okay. Okay.

Nay: So I haven't watched it yet

Michael: Still watching Game of Thrones?

Nay: Yes. Yes I am

Michael: Still wanting (Brianne of Tarth) to chop your head off?

Nay: Yeah!

Michael: I was telling Brian that last night. He was dyin' because he hadn't listened to that episode yet

Nay: You know… but I also just wanna make a point that there's-- I saw someone post today and I can't remember who, about this cute new language that some people are using to talk about their crushes where they're like, "I want her to kill me."

Brennan: Oh yeah yeah yeah

Nay: And I'm like, I just want everyone to know, that's not what I'm doing. I just want her to actually--

Michael: Decapitate you?

Nay: Remove my head. Yeah. So I'm just making that clear

Michael: Did you watch Top of the Lake?

Nay: No, not yet

Michael: (Brianne of Tarth)'s in season two. She's the best part of season two

Nay: I know. You told me. I believe it

Michael: Yeah

Brennan: I'm not one hundred percent convinced that Top of the Lake is a real show, 'cause--

Michael: It's on Hulu

Brennan: You're the only person I've ever heard mention it in my life

Joshua: I've watched it. It's amazing

Nay: I watched the first season, yeah

Michael: Season one is amazing

Sam: Season one is incredible

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: It sounds like you cooked it up in a pot of ingredients that are appealing specifically to me

Michael: Casting Elizabeth Moss in my head just sounds believable, right?

Brennan: Yeah! It just feels so right, but I just feel like you're lying--

Michael: The first season's fucking amazing

Brennan: About something that just sounds too perfect to be real

Michael: I mean, you have Hulu, right?

Brennan: Yes!

Michael: I mean, Holly Hunter's in it

Brennan: I do like Holly Hunter

Michael: She plays this sage… I don't know what she plays (chuckles)

Joshua: She plays like a cult leader

Michael: Yeah

Joshua: Elizabeth Moss's Kiwi accent is so weird

Brennan: Wait, it's set in New Zealand? I know nothing about this show!

Joshua: Yeah, it's set in New Zealand

Michael: Yeah. And then season two's set in Sydney (Australia), right?

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: Okay!

Brennan: Joshua. Can I call you "Josh"?

Joshua: Yeah that's fine

Michael: "J.J." (giggles)

Brennan: Have you been watching anything you want to share with the class?

Joshua: Yeah, I just started rewatching Enlightened, Laura Dern's Mike White HBO show

Michael: Ohhh, I love the pilot so much

Joshua: I love that show. And I was told by a friend that the way that HBO was working at that time is that they just paired writers with middle-aged actresses who needed vehicles and I was like, "Wha? We should have a whole network of that."

Brennan: Isn't that Ryan Murphy's whole empire?

Joshua: I guess you're right. That's true.  Yeah

Michael: There should be a network that does that. Why doesn't HBO start doing that again?

Joshua: It's brilliant, yeah. It was brilliant. And the other thing I just saw was this movie from the Seventies called Girlfriends that I saw through the Criterion app

Brennan: Ooooh

Joshua: And it's amazing and it's sort of like the predecessor to Frances Ha and Sex and the City and Girls, and this young woman in her twenties made it for eighty thousand dollars over the course of three years

Brennan: Oooh

Joshua: And it's just about her and her best friend who live together and then the best friend gets married and goes away and she kind of wanders around New York lonely and trying to figure out what to do. But it won Best Picture at Cannes and Sundance the year it came out. It's sort of this lost classic that people are finding again and it's so beautiful and so funny and sweet

Michael: And it's on the Criterion?

Joshua: Yeah. And there's lots of lesbian sort of stuff in it that's really good, too

Michael: Is it a drama?

Joshua: It's a comedy-drama

Michael: Comedy-drama, great. I just got Criterion

Nay: I'm like, "Well, if there's lesbians…"

Joshua: Yeah, there's drama

Nay: "There's drama"

Brennan: How about you, Michael?

Michael: Well, I watched Child's Play (2019). I'm trying to remember what else I watched. I need to start writing this shit down

Brennan: You should get a Letterboxd

Michael: Yeah. That seems like too much work

Brennan: It's so fun, though. And I wanna see your lists

Michael: I watched Child's Play (chuckles)

Brennan: Great

Michael: (to Brennan) What about you? What did you watch?

Brennan: I watched all of Netflix's Tales of the City limited series

Michael: Mmm-hmm

Brennan: Because you might remember I talked about the first three seasons as I was watching them a couple months ago. This new season, it's very up and down. It's ten episodes as opposed to the normal six for that show, and I think they probably could've cut four of 'em

Michael: (chuckles) Oh shit

Brennan: But the cast is great. Laura Linney and Olympia Dukakis are returning, [Elliot] Page is there. And they also, as much as I love the original Tales of the City 'cause it's like this fun, soapy deeply queer show, they've definitely expanded the cast of characters to include a lot more people of color, a lot of different arrangements of what it's like to live as a queer person in 2019. This does the Sleepaway Camp II-slash-Pose season two time jump, where I was trying to do the math. And there's a character named Michael Tolliver, who, in the third season of the show, it was 1981 and he was firmly in his mid-to-late twenties. Now he's played by Murray Bartlett and the character is 54. I was trying to do the math, and I was like, he would've been sixteen in season three of this show

Michael: Is Murray Bartlett that old?

Brennan: He's like, forty-eight, I think. They aged up the character a little bit

Michael: Okay.

Brennan: But still, it makes no sense. Anyway, the show, I wasn't sure how to feel about it at first. I really got pulled into it, to the point that there's a scene with Laura Linney just rearranging a spice rack and I was in. I was just fully invested

Sam: Sold

Michael: Yeah!

Brennan: But also there's this really really-- a lot of the new characters they introduce, I don't love, just 'cause I don't like teenagers. But there is, there's a character named Jake who is a trans man. He is played by an actor named Garcia who is non-binary, so Garcia is they/them, Jake is he/him. Just for the record. And I will try to keep that straight. But yeah, the character of Jake is a really fascinating character. Jake was originally in a lesbian relationship but as the relationship has obviously shifted a lot during his transition, and they're kind of dealing with what that means and what they are and it's a really fascinating, subtle document of that. And this show does have a completely queer writers room, which might be the first to ever exist?

Nay: Wow. Cool

Brennan: So there's a lot of really nuanced storytelling going on. And also semi-spoiler alert, Jake is kind of evaluating whether or not he is a gay man versus a lesbian and it's a very complicated process for him. But there is a scene with a Grindr hookup that is maybe the most real and tender scene that I've ever seen. And I'm not talking about like, "Oh, the love scene," whatever, it's not a sexualized thing, it's a scene about a connection between two people who met online. And it's just a beautiful show at the core of it, and it gets very soapy to a hilarious degree, and Molly Ringwald shows up at one point

Michael: Oh, that's right. I saw that

Brennan: I do highly recommend it. There are some iffy bits you gotta skate past, but it's a really fun show. Lecture is over.

Brennan: I did wanna say really quick, friend of the show Derek Dennis Herbert, you may remember him from our Jason Goes to Hell episode

Nay: Yeah!

Michael: "Jason Shaves Manhattan"? Yeah

Brennan: Yes. He directed the Kane Hodder documentary, but a new movie he's producing is coming to VOD on July sixteenth, it's called They're Inside. I'll read you the synopsis really quick. Just, you know, as a favor for a friend. "Trapped in a secluded cabin in the woods, Robin and her sister Kody must overcome their dark past while battling deadly threats from masked strangers. They will need to work together if they want to make it out alive." So you should really check that out. I believe Dread (Central) is putting that out

Michael: I was gonna say, is that Dread?

Brennan: Yes. And Derek's a super nice guy and you should support him

Michael: Yeah, he was great on the show

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: But now, the reason we have gathered here today. Josh has invited us to watch a little movie called 1971's Daughters of Darkness. I'm gonna share a snippet of the trailer real quick and then we'll launch into the conversation

(The trailer is played)

[Explosion]

MAN 1: She (indistinct) chased away by God

Michael: Spoiling the very end of the movie at the beginning of the trailer? I love it

MAN 1: Shrinking from crosses

MAN 2: She kidnapped young girls and kept them chained, to give blood. Blood for her to bathe in and then drink

MAN 3: Was she bitten everywhere?

WOMAN 1: No

MAN 2: And then she pushed white-hot pokers into their faces

Nay: No, please stop!

MAN 2: (indistinct) she shot the flaming rod into their mouths

WOMAN 1: Stop it!

WOMAN 2: Blood

Michael: (13:05)

WOMAN 1: Stop it!

WOMAN 2:

WOMAN 1: (screams)

Nay: Wow

Michael: Oh, Bathory (chuckles)

Brennan: Okay, so Josh. Why is this the movie that called out to you to bring to us today?

Joshua: I've been watching it a lot lately, I just really love it. I love the style of it, I love the mood of it. I understand that it's slow. I understand that it's not especially interested in being a horror movie. But it's a lesbian movie and it's got all those dresses so it appeals to gay men, too

Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Joshua: And I will say that when I chose it, I didn't know that you were gonna do Daughters of Dracula so I was like, maybe i should do something different but then I guess this is the end of our lesbian vampire education

Brennan: No, there's so much more to explore, too

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: They're the backbone of this podcast, lesbian vampires

Nay: Yeah. And we need to see all of 'em, so thank you

Brennan: Yes

Joshua: Okay, good

Nay: Yeah

Michael: Yeah

Brennan: (to Joshua) To your point of the "Okay-faced man", the point where--

Michael: I was kind of into 'I'm

Joshua: I was kind of into him too, I was just being shady

Sam: I would've done it

Michael: Yeah

Joshua: Yeah, for sure

Michael: So glad we got a wang shot

Joshua: His little red robe? I mean, yummy

Michael: I know!

Joshua: And his matching shoes?

Michael: Little red slippers? Yeah (laughing) I loved it!

Brennan: Look, when Countess Elizabeth Batory shows up--

Michael: Mmm-hmm

Brennan: She's like, "Oh, what a perfect couple. So joyful. So beautiful." I'm like, "Okay."

Michael: They hate each other (chuckles)

Brennan: Well the lady looks like, you know, a beautiful Swedish model woman, and the man looks like Bjorn from ABBA

Nay: Mmm-hmm

Brennan: And I think that (Elizabeth) is a full Kinsey six lesbian, because she cannot judge men (laughs)

Nay: Yeah. This is what straight women put up with all the time. Do you ever watch Golden Girls--

Michael: Uh-huh

Nay: And you'll see 'em on a date and you're like a joke won't make sense and you're like, "Oh. Is that supposed to be an attractive man? Ohhhh. Okay."

Sam: Yeah

Brennan: Yes!

Nay: Sex and the City… basically any TV, movie, whatever, real-life where a woman is dating a man

Brennan: Mr. Big?

Nay: Yeah. You're like, "Oh! Is that…? Huh. Okay!"

Michael: I mean, look at all the CBS sitcoms from old where it was like Kevin James with the hottest wife ever

Nay: Leah Remini?

Michael: Mmm-hmm

Brennan: Yeah, or--

Michael: All the CBS sitcoms had guys like that and women like that

Brennan: You're right Nay, there are a lot of scenes that are built on the premise of like, "This man is unbelievably attractive!"

Michael: "This man fucks!"

Nay: Yeah

Michael: Yeah

Joshua: I actually think he's kind of hot, but not compared to those three women--

Michael: I kind of too

Joshua: Who are all universally amazing looking

Brennan: You're right. Yeah. I'm not trying to dig on his appearance 'cause first of all--

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: I love ABBA

Joshua: I would let him choke me, but he's not as hot as those three women are

Brennan: See, no, they just really dim his shine. "Elizabeth Bathory doth teach the candles to burn bright." I don't know why I'm quoting Shakespeare tonight. But in the presence of that-- I'm a mess. I dunno. Don't listen to me

Joshua: I will say another reason that I chose this is I think that Delphine Seyrig, who plays Elizabeth Bathory's performance, is so amazing--

Nay: Yeah

Michael: She's really good

Joshua: And I would be hard-pressed to think of another performance of such a beautiful person, like she's so stunningly beautiful n this movie that I would believe that she's a thousand year old vampire

Nay: Absolutely. I hear that

Joshua: I mean she chews up every scene she's in

Nay: Yeah, I wish I had seen it as a very young child so I would've known earlier that that's who I wanted to be

Joshua: You could've started practicing earlier?

Nay: Just great examples before me. Couldn't relate to anything, yeah

Michael: I kept thinking Valerie was played by, I had to keep looking 'cause I didn't believe it when I'd read it, was played by the woman from Night of the Living Dead (1968). They looked exactly alike to me. The main girl in the beginning

Brennan: Oh yeah! I think it's just the haircut that goes straight down

Michael: And it's just the fuckin' deep-ass part in the middle

Brennan: (chuckles) Yeah

Joshua: It's so chic though

Michael: Yeah

Nay: Yeah

Michael: So hot

Joshua: Both she and the actress who played Ilona were adult film actresses

Michael: Oh no kidding!

Nay: Oh

Michael: That makes a lot of sense

Joshua: And then Delphine Seyrig was like the most famous actress in Paris, so that's the combination that's really interesting too

Nay: Mmmmm

Joshua: They didn't think they were gonna get Delphine 'cause she was so famous in France. And then they hired her and two porn actresses

Michael: That's amazing

Brennan: Huh!

Joshua: So that's an interesting combo

Michael: It really is

Brennan: I mean, I wouldn't have guessed they were porn actresses based on the general joke of, "Oh, they were so bad. They're porn actors!"

Joshua: Oh, I don't mean to say that at all!

Brennan: I found them to be very convincing

Joshua: I'm not trying to shame them for being sex workers, adult film stars

Brennan: No

Nay: No. Of course not

Brennan: No

Nay: No

Joshua: I just think it's an interesting thing

Brennan: I did read that Delphine-- sorry, what's the actress's last name?

Joshua: Seyrig

Brennan: (with a French accent) "Seyrig" (regular voice) I miss Mark. He'd teach me how to pronounce that

Nay: Right. Right

Michael: (chuckles) Yeah he would

Brennan: Yeah, but I read in the IMDb Trivia that her boyfriend, who was a French director at the time envisioned the movie as a graphic novel and got very excited and was like, "You should do this!" And she was like, "Okay!"

Nay: Wow

Michael: Interesting

Brennan: So that was what convinced her was his weird vision of it as a comic

Sam: So this is like Southland Tales?

Joshua: I also think the world was thick with lesbian vampire movies at this time

Michael: It sure was

Joshua: And I think she thought that she could elevate it. Which she did!

Brennan: And she did!

Michael: Mmm-hmm!

Brennan: Whose was this a first time watch?

Michael: It was mine

Sam: It was my first time

Nay: And me

Brennan: Everyone but you, Josh. You have actually-- I think this is a first time that everyone's experiencing a movie for the first time, so that's exciting

Nay: Yeah

Joshua: Wow, I'm so honored. To Nay's point though, I have seen this movie many times, but usually I just put it on (chuckling) and then walk around my house drinking wine and folding laundry

Nay: You know, as soon as you put it on, you're like, "Where's my robe, sweetie?"

Joshua: Yeah, exactly

Michael: "I wanna get in the bubble bath."

Nay: Yeah, like fancy fabrics only

Michael: Oh, I'm so glad you mentioned the robe and matching slippers

Brennan: It is a very texture based movie

Nay: Yeah

Michael: Yes

Nay: I do love that

Michael: That's what I loved. And I was actually watching the movie and the location was so gorgeous--

Nay: Yes!

Michael: And I kept thinking to myself, like, bitch mode--

Nay: Okay

Michael: Did they find this gorgeous castle and they realized they only had money for this location so they had to say no one was staying in it? Because they couldn't afford extras?

Brennan: No, it's an I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

Michael: You mean an I'll Always-- oh, that kind of situation

Brennan: Yeah, like they're at that resort in the off-season

Joshua: They do mention that it's the off-season

Nay and Michael: Yeah

Michael: But it was just so luxurious

Nay: (wistfully) I love that hotel

Sam: Yeah

Joshua: And then outside it always looks so cold and frigid and empty, too, so I think it works

Michael: Mmm-hmm

Brennan: And I feel like it's a good metaphor. I didn't think hard enough about what that metaphor could be, but-- also just the constant shots of the sea--

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: And the way the waves are crashing, reflecting the emotions of the scenes? It's very European

Joshua: Yes, very European. To a fault you might say

Brennan: "Continental, my my."

Nay: Wow

Michael: What was the movie we watched that had lesbian vampire intrigue?

Brennan: Vampyros Lesbos

Michael: Yes. It reminded me of that a lot, just kind of laying outside

Brennan: How dare you

Nay: The textures, you know, the textures and the colors

Michael: And the flow

Nay: I can see that

Michael: Yeah

Nay: Yeah. I mean, I think, no. Never mind. Yes

Michael: Like the pacing, the beautiful people, simple story, yeah

Joshua: But the aesthetic of this movie, as soon as the title comes up in that gorgeous font and the music--

Michael: Yeah!

Joshua: The score is amazing. The script is like whatever, but that was popular at the time. All those Andy Warhol movies, just all those beautiful people laying around being gorgeous and moody

Michael: It's like a gorgeous long perfume ad

Joshua: For me, that's enough I think

Michael: It's amazing

Brennan: Yeah! I would say about fifty-five minutes in it wasn't enough for me, but I did really enjoy everything about Elizabeth Bathory

Nay: Yes

Brennan: I'm not gonna try to pronounce it right again

Joshua: She's amazing

Michael: That shimmer dress

Brennan: You're so right. That casting is perfect

Nay: Mmm-hmm

Brennan: Her bedazzled dress at the end

Nay: Wow

Joshua: So good

Brennan: I need a gif of her beckoning Lola--

Nay: Yes

Brennan: With the feathers

Joshua: I think there is one

Brennan: There must be

Joshua: Yes

Brennan: Okay, I just have to actually put in some work

Joshua: And Lola too, she's not to be sniffed at. She's so chic, she's so goth chic

Nay: Yes

Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Joshua: She's giving Karen O from the Yeah-Yeah-Yeahs

Brennan: Oooooh

Joshua: She's amazing

Sam: She looks like the woman who seduces that married guy in Love, Actually

Joshua: Oh my God, you're so right

Sam: Yeah. I just wanted her to be wearing that necklace and it's all for him

Joshua: Ah, yeah

Sam: My contribution. Y'all seen Love, Actually?

Nay: Yes

Sam: The opening scene though, before we even get to any of the vampires-- because I hadn't seen it before, I didn't know who was going to be a vampire, so I was on the edge of my seat--

Michael: Yeah, right?

Joshua: Ooooh

Sam: In that scene when they were talking about, "Do you love me?" and they don't and I was like, "Oh, this is dark. And they're both vampires because they don't love each other and they're in a relationship

Michael: I assumed they were the opening kill. When he left the car?

Sam: Yes!

Michael: I thought he was gonna come back in just fuckin' eaten up

Sam: The tension's so high

Michael: Yeah, I was actually kind of nervous

Nay: Yeah

Michael: Yeah

Sam: And then as it continues, they're still on the train and I'm like, oh, he's still being really creepy and interested in death. I'm like, "She's married a vampire." So when the reveal is that this stunning Vanna White, because she does wear that full sequin number at the end--

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Sam: And she's just ready to turn letters. But when it's revealed that she's the vampire, I was shocked. I really thought, I mean--

Joshua: Well her introduction though, is amazing, when she gets out of the car and you only see her high heeled shoe

Michael: Ooooof

Joshua: And then they put a key light on just her red lips and I mean, they really lay it on thick

Nay: Yeah

Joshua: There's this weird motif that I noticed in the movie where even though the hotel is empty, I counted no less than four times where people have to swat away a potted tree or the camera moves through a potted fern. It's like you could just walk two feet around that tree. It's so weird. She does it in her introduction scene and then it happens three more times

Brennan: Well, look, the path she chooses is the path she's gonna stick to. It doesn't matter if there's a plant there or not

Joshua: (chuckling) It doesn't matter if there's a fern in the way or not

Michael: (chuckling) A fern

Nay: Yeah, lucky fern, honestly

Joshua: Yeah, true

Nay: Yeah

Joshua: I would let her swat me away, too

Nay: Mmm-hmm!

Sam: So with her intro, you ever notice how vampires are always trying to cover for themselves in these things, and she's just like, "No, this is who I am. This is my historical name and yes, I was here forty years ago." I was like, (laughing) whoa! Okay!

Michael: Yeah, no shying away whatsoever

Nay: It's true

Brennan: Speaking of that kind of assumption that something's deeply wrong with our central couple. Well, first of all, they have that conversation where it's like, 'cause the guy is the son of this super wealthy British family and Valerie?

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: She's like, "Oh, your mother won't like me for who I am."

Nay: Mmm-hmm

Brennan: (sotto voce) But I'm like, "Who is that?"

Michael: She actually kept saying the word "what"

Brennan: Yeah yeah yeah

Michael: So I assumed she was a vampire

Sam: Mmm-hmm

Michael: Or there was gonna be some sort of thing with her that never really came to fruition. But I checked that because she kept saying "what" in that scene

Brennan: Well, yeah

Joshua: Well, you know something that's nefarious about him because she's pressuring him to call his mother and tell whim that they've just been married

Nay: Yeah

Joshua: But then he slips the note to the concierge that's like, "Tell us that no one was at home"

Michael: Right

Brennan: That made my spine tingle, like, "What is happening????"

Joshua: Yeah, that's creepy. And the payoff of that is so weird

Brennan: I do want to ask--

Michael: (chuckling) It's so weird!

Brennan: What the fuck. What is the payoff? I was so confused by that conversation scene

Joshua: His quote-unquote "mother"

Brennan: Oh. It's a man

Joshua: Yeah, it's like an old queen

Brennan: Oh, was he gay? I just… he was British, it was hard to tell

Joshua: He was wearing a kimono (laughs)

Michael: Yeah

Sam: And he's super disappointed that he married a woman

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: I just thought it was his dad!

Joshua: It inferred that he was a kept man or some sort of younger lover to--

Sam: Yeah

Brennan: Ohhh

Michael: He was like a little boy toy

Joshua: Yeah, to this old rich queen

Brennan: Interesting. I think it just didn't occur to me--

Michael: I love the queen's hairdo

Joshua: I know

Brennan: Because again, I would not approach Bjorn to be my boy toy 'cause I dunno, I imagine boy toys to be eighteen, and he is not

Joshua: We're all not into twinks

Brennan: No! Nor am I

Nay: Wow

Sam: Mmm-hmm

Brennan: (to Joshua) How dare you. We have just met, sir

Nay: There's nothing wrong with twinks!

Joshua: No, of course not

Brennan: No there's not

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: Yeah, I lost my train of thought. But, okay! I'm glad. I was gonna read up all this film theory stuff about what was happening-- I think I was just so slipped out of my body at that point in the movie where I was like, "Dialogue doesn't matter anymore."

Nay: Wow

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: It's just the images. But I kind of clicked back into reality in that scene, and I was like (laughing) "I have completely lost what's happening in this movie."

Nay: It does look beautiful

Brennan: It does

Joshua: It's a little hypnotic

Nay: Mmmmm!

Joshua: I call it hypnotic

Brennan: Yes!

Nay: It is hypnotic

Joshua: But maybe that's generous?

Nay: No no no, totally

Brennan: I do think that's what happened to me

Joshua: Yeah, you were hypnotized

Michael: It actually does kind of lull you

Brennan: It put me in a trance state

Michael: It would be an amazing movie to take a nap to, and I mean that in the nicest way possible

Sam: Wow

Joshua: Many times, yeah

Michael: You know what I mean?

Sam: That's the Amazon review

Michael: I mean that in a very nice way

Sam: "Ten out of ten. Would nap to."

Nay: Yeah!

Joshua: It is a comfort movie for me. I put it on when I cook dinner, or fold my laundry--

Michael: Yeah

Nay: Yeah

Joshua: It just makes me feel sort of sophisticated and--

Nay: Yeah

Michael: The score! I want the score on vinyl

Joshua: The score's beautiful

Michael and Nay: Yeah

Sam: I do have a question

Brennan: Yes

Sam: About the girl from Love, Actually. Was she a vampire? Because she died from a razor blade

Joshua: I think that she was a vampire thrall

Sam: Got it

Joshua: Not a full vampire

Brennan: Like a Renfield situation?

Joshua: Yeah yeah yeah

Sam: Okay

Michael: I think we're finding in a lot of these vampire movies that we've been watching is that a lot of the vampire rules really don't exist

Sam: Well that's kind of why I asked--

Nay: What rules?

Sam: Because what are the rules in this if there are any?

Michael: Like when we watched Dracula's Daughter

Sam: Right

Michael: She died just getting stabbed in the stomach, you know?

Joshua: It feels like the Countess can sort of hypnotize people

Michael: Yes

Joshua: 'Cause she asks Ilona to show her her eyes and then Ilona's okay and then she does sort of a similar thing with Valerie later on, so it feels like that's a thing?

Michael: (The Countess) just trances her into doing stuff for her

Joshua: Yeah

Michael: What is with (the Countess) and water?

Sam: That's kind of what I was getting at, 'cause there's gotta be something there. It's usually Holy water

Michael: Yeah, I was waiting for her to go up in smoke (chuckles)

Sam: Yeah

Michael: Yeah

Brennan: There's a vampire rule that nobody likes to use--

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: Is that vampires can't cross running water

Joshua: Running water

Sam and Michael: Ohhhhh!

Joshua: It very rarely gets used, but it's in the old, old folklore

Brennan: It's fun though

Michael: I love that!

Joshua: Yeah

Michael: Okay, I wish I knew that

Sam: So they also can't get raped in a shower, 'cause that's what was happening

Joshua: Yeah, it is what was happening

Sam: That was a horrific scene

Michael: Yeah, it was

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: That scene was, yeah, deeply intense

Nay: Mmm-hmm

Brennan: And I know different people shower differently--

Nay: (laughing) Okay!

Brennan: But this is a wrong way to do it

Nay: It is absolutely

Brennan: Well it ends in a death

Nay: Yeah

Michael: And he went from like, being low-key problematic to just super out of control

Sam: Oh yeah

Michael: So it was a little jarring

Joshua: Well wait, that is after he has--

Michael: Beaten (her) once? (chuckles)

Joshua: Beaten his wife, yeah

Michael: And then beats the shit out of her hardcore

Joshua: Yeah

Michael: (sotto voce) I dunno. Interesting. It's fun to find that out about the water. That's a really cool rule

Sam: I forgot about that

Brennan: Yeah! And it didn't seem to do anything to (Elizabeth) but I thought that's what they were playing with in that scene

Joshua: I thought it was too

Brennan: Okay

Joshua: I thought maybe she was just afraid of the water

Brennan: Well, I mean, if we're theorizing that she's not really a vampire--

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: Then maybe she just thinks it'll affect her and it doesn't

Joshua: I dunno

Brennan: Question. If we're running with that theory, do we think that Valerie is a vampire at the end of this movie, when she moves on to this new throuple that she's trying to join

Nay: Oh yeah

Michael: Yeah

Joshua: Yeah

Sam: Well, okay. Her skin's really white, and he made a comment about Love, Actually and her skin's really white, too, so she's a vampire, they're all vampires then, by that, so

Joshua: I think so. Yeah

Sam: Yeah. Okay

Joshua: And maybe, I mean, speaking of rules, maybe they don't have the thing about stakes through the heart or anything

Sam: Mmm-hmm

Nay: Right

Joshua: Maybe that's out the window, maybe it's more naturalistic and grounded than that

Brennan: Valerie, that's kind of sort of how she dies

Michael: Bathory sort of dies that way at the end and it's awesome

Nay: Yes

Brennan: Or the Countess Bathory

Michael: Yeah

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: That, ah, that

Michael: They roasted her and I loved it

Sam: They roasted her like a s'more

Michael: She got that whole tree

Joshua: I love that

Michael: I love it so much. That visual is amazing

Joshua: Gorgeous

Brennan: But the imagery of her burning at the stake--

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: Is so harsh. That was a really hard ending for me

Joshua: It's gorgeous

Michael: It's really gorgeous. Like, "Give me more of this!"

Nay: It's beautiful

Michael: Yes

Brennan: It was beautiful, obviously, but we talk about queer horror, there's a lot of things where the queer character or the monster character gets punished again

Nay: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm

Brennan: Obviously, she's, you know, a serial killer

Nay: Mmm-hmm.

Michael: Yeah

Brennan: But I wanted to have this fun road trip sequel to Daughters of Darkness

Michael: Over there like Thelma & Louise?

Joshua: That would be amazing

Brennan: Yeah!

Michael: I sort of thought-- at the end of the movie, because she got the tree through the heart and then set on fire that she was a vampire witch, so I'm all about that

Joshua: Mmmm

Sam: Oh, I like that

Joshua: How about when she's standing on the edge of a cliff, wearing a sequined black cloak--

Sam: Oh my God

Brennan: Oooh!

Joshua: And then she raises her arms into the air like Count Duckula

Michael: Yes

Joshua: And no matter what's happening in my house, any time that happens I'm like, "Yaaaaas queen! Ahhhh! Work!"

Michael: I also just love when movies do shit like have people bury someone in sand just using their bare hands

Joshua: God

Michael: I'm like, this should be a lot longer of a time jump, like it should be the next night

Nay: Okay

Michael: Yeah. But he's literally doing this with his bare hands. I'm like, someone get him a shovel

Brennan: (Elizabeth's) time management skills are so bad

Michael: Horrible

Joshua: Really bad, yeah

Brennan: She's always just barely evading being roasted by the sun

Sam: How has she lasted this long?

Nay: Stressing me out. Yeah

Brennan: Yeah. Four hundred years of that? You would need a million massages. Yeah

Michael: Can you imagine working for her?

Nay: No

Michael: Yeah, you'd be like, "I'm waitin' for the sun, bitch."

Nay: Like, "Please kill me." Yeah

Joshua: That's why Ilona wanted to go. She's like, "Please let me go!"

Michael: What did you just call her?

Joshua: Ilona

Michael: Oh, I thought you called her "Eleven"

Joshua: No, Ilona. Her quote-unquote "secretary"

Brennan: So, is Elizabeth Bathory the Miranda Priestly of vampires?

Michael and Nay: Hmmmm

Nay: (as Miranda) "Stay!"

Brennan: As an employer?

Michael: She kind of is

Joshua: Demanding the impossible

Brennan: Yeah!

Joshua: Seems that way. She's nicer, at least

Brennan: I mean, Andie didn't die at the end of that movie

Joshua: Yeah, and I don't think Miranda Priestly ever fucked Andie

Brennan: I would watch that movie!

Nay: (laughing) Yeah!

Joshua: Yeah, I would too

Michael: Fan fiction it

Brennan: Oh my God. There are the strangest crossovers on fanfiction.net and I'm sure there's a Daughters of Darkness-Devil Wears Prada one

Michael: I have never gone to that site

Joshua: God, I need to go to that site

Nay: I do too

Brennan: Oh, it's a treasure trove

Joshua: When I worked on A Series of Unfortunate Events

Sam: This is my first time hearing about it

Michael: What's that, Joshua?

Joshua: When I used to work on A Series of Unfortunate Events there were all these fanfic things about the Baudelaire orphans, who are siblings fucking each other

Michael: (laughing) Jesus Christ!

Joshua: So upsetting and awful

Sam: I feel like there wouldn't be any fanfiction about (The Chilling Adventures of) Sabrina because everyone's doing it, so it already happened. It's such wish fulfillment. I love it

Joshua: Not compared to Riverdale. I mean Riverdale, it's like Dynasty. Those are teenagers who act like they're thirty and they're all banging each other?

Michael: Yeah

Joshua: I also think that Riverdale's a more dangerous town than Greendale, personally

Michael: Absolutely!

Joshua: Even though our town is full of witches and zombies and--

Michael: I just love that what's-her-name on Riverdale has three businesses and goes to high school

Joshua: Yeah. Of course

Michael: Yeah. But none of them are ever at school either. It's amazing

Sam: (to Joshua) Can I ask, since we have you here?

Joshua: Sure

Sam: Is bisexuality a part of being a witch? 'Cause are they all bisexual? Everybody wants--

Joshua: Yeah, Sabrina's a little different 'cause she's half-mortal, but in the witch world, everyone's kind of bisexual and people don't fall in love as easily, so they're more polyamorous and--

Michael: I was gonna say poly was more apropos

Joshua: Yeah, I guess that's the better term

Sam: 'Cause any time there's group sex, everybody's just goin'

Joshua: Yeah

Sam: And I love that

Michael: Well even, what's that movie with Bowie we watched, I can't remember the name of it

Brennan: The Hunger

Joshua: The Hunger

Michael: Yeah. Everyone there seems polyamorous to me. I feel like any vampire-- even The Lost Boys, David's totally poly

Sam: Mmm-hmm

Michael: He's coded as poly to me

Brennan: Oh yeah. He's with Starr and Michael

Michael: He wants Michael so bad

Nay: I'm not gonna live for eight hundred years and only fuck one gender

Michael: Right

Joshua: You need diversity

Sam: Yeah

Nay: Yeah

Michael: Yeah

Brennan: You really gotta branch out

Michael: That's so sexy

Brennan: Before we leave the fanfiction world, I will say, there is Social Network fanfiction. To the point that there is a fanfiction about Andrew Garfield and Jesse Eisenberg falling in love on the set of The Social Network

Joshua: Oh my God, that's so meta

Brennan: Yeah

Joshua: I love it

Brennan: The world of fanfiction is a beautiful and deeply intense experience

Sam: (to Brennan) I don't know why, but I thought you were gonna say there was a Queerwolf fanfiction and it described you and Michael

Brennan: Oh!

Michael: Oh!

Joshua: Aww, I love that

Sam: I'm gonna write it and contribute it

Michael: See if it's out there, I'll be--

Brennan: Point number one: down

Sam: Wow

(Nay cackles)

Brennan: Point number two: Now that you've said it--

Sam: All the tea today

Nay: You have to fix that, Ernie. I got a lil' loud

Brennan: It's gonna happen

Michael: No, I love when it's loud

Brennan: Oh God

Nay: Oh my God

Brennan: That's gonna get worked in!

Sam: That's going right in the fanfiction

Michael: In our fanfiction?

Nay: "Ten-ten, would bang."

Joshua: Wait, Brennan, do you write fanfiction? And if so, of what?

Brennan: When I was a child, I did, of Animoprhs

Michael: That's a good question

Sam: Stop it. Fucking stop it

Michael: Is that the only thing?

Brennan: Yeah

Sam: I love Animorphs

Joshua: Me too! It makes no sense! I read them as an adult, when I was twenty-five. I read a couple of them. They're batshit crazy

Brennan: They're so good!

Joshua: They're so nuts!

Brennan: I was reminiscing with a friend about those books. Especially the end, but the last twenty of them, they're deeply horrifying. They're really dark

Sam: Very troubling

Brennan: People are dying, people are getting mauled by animals. It's an intense experience

Sam: Can you just tell me really quick--

Michael: (to Brennan) Is that the only fanfic you've ever written?

Sam: Yeah, one of 'em? Just, can you describe it?

Michael: Logline

Brennan: I mean, again, I was a child. It was mainly about me being friends with the Animorphs

Nay: Mmm-hmm

Michael, Sam and Joshua: Awwww!

Michael: Baby Brennan!

Brennan: It was a bunch of one-page chapters

Nay: Mmm-hmm

Michael: 'Kay. Into it

Brennan: And all of them had a name that was like, one letter off from their actual name

Nay: Mmm-hmm

Brennan: 'Cause I was like, "They're gonna sue me for my fanfic."

Nay: Right. Of course

Brennan: I also, oh my God. I had an Excel spreadsheet that I made of all the Animorphs and each of the animals that they could personally transform into

Nay: I am shocked. Nah (laughs)

Joshua: Awwww

Brennan: At my organizational prowess?

Nay: Yeah

Joshua: I can't believe you're a producer now

Michael: Brennan probably knew spreadsheets at like, seven

Brennan: Oh yeah

Michael: Better than I did at twenty-five

Joshua: (to Brennan) Wait, so which animals could you turn into as an Animorph?

Brennan: Okay, well, honestly in real life--

Joshua: You can turn into a tiger?

Michael: (laughing) I'm so glad Joshua's here

Brennan: No. Did I tell this story before? I might have.

Nay: (indistinct)

Brennan: But during storytime in elementary school I was trying very hard to morph into an ant. Because you had to touch the animals to acquire their essence. I was like, "I've touched ants. So if it's gonna happen, this is how it's gonna be. I've never touched a tiger, so let's see how it goes."

Joshua: Right

Brennan: And I don't remember which story it was, because I was not focused

Joshua: I went through a big horse phase when I was four or five

Brennan: Oooh, okay

Joshua: I would just gallop around and pretend to be a horse--

Brennan: Oh, I love that

Joshua: To the point where I would just (whinnies and whickers like a horse). I would do that and my family was worried about me

Michael: You're like, "Nope, just gay, Mom!"

Joshua: Yeah. "Nope just gay. Prancing around like the little pony I am."

Brennan: (to Joshua) So what's your favorite Animorphs book? Do you have one? Or what's your favorite character?

Joshua: I don't know those books. I don't know any of them

Brennan: Oh my God! But you read some of them?

Joshua: Yeah, when I was twenty-two I read maybe two of them and I was drunk, probably and that was all

Brennan: Okay. I thought I had found a friend but maybe I was wrong

Joshua: So not your friend

Brennan: Sam, you've got, you've been jumping up and down--

Sam: Tobias

Brennan: So please

Sam: Well, until the show came out, I mean, in the books it was Tobias, right?

Brennan: Uh-huh

Sam: He was so cute. But then in the show, it was that hot blond guy that had a twin that was in that movie Frozen

Brennan: Shawn Ashmore!

Sam: Yeah. Thank you!

Brennan: Shawn Ashmore has followed me throughout my sexual development

Michael: Wha? Yes!

Brennan: Because he was Jake in the Animorphs television series

Sam: He was

Michael: Is there Shawn Ashmore/Brennan Klein fanfic?

Brennan: There should be

Michael: Okay. I'll write it

Brennan: (chuckling) I have never written personalized erotica

Nay: Really?

Brennan: Well, no. That just seems like a lot of work

Nay: What do you think sexting is? You know?

(All the guys): Oooooh

Michael: Good point, Nay

Joshua: Good point

Nay: But also maybe you don't sext and there's no judgement there if you don't do it

Brennan: Yeah, I don't really, just 'cause…

Nay: Yeah. Okay!

Brennan: I just like to, y'know, just do it

Nay: True Tea Time. Yeah

Michael: Yeah, my sexting with Brian is, "Can you pick up some LaCroix on your way home?"

Nay: (annoyed) Okay

Brennan: (as Michael) "Coconut only"

Michael: (laughing) Yes!

Brennan: (as Michael) "Pour it all over me". (regular voice) Not to get too blue. That would never happen on this show. But yeah, (Shawn Ashmore) was Jake in the Animorphs series and then he was Iceman in the X-Men and he was my favorite X-Man

Sam: Yep

Brennan: And once I started getting into horror, he was in Frozen. He was also in The Ruins--

Michael: Yes

Brennan: Which is an adaptation of my favorite horror novel

Michael: It's actually a really good book

Sam: ATM, right?

Joshua: Yeah, ATM

Michael: He's in ATM as well, right?

Sam: Yeah

Brennan: Was he?

Michael: I think he is

Brennan: I think that's Josh Peck you're thinking of

Michael: No, I think he's the other dude in it, isn't he?

Sam: No

Brennan: I don't… no

Michael: Someone Shawn Ashmore-like

Brennan: I don't think it was him because I would've (chuckling) been more compelled to watch it if it was him

Sam: I have a list of everything I've ever jerked off to with Shawn Ashmore and that is not on it

Michael: (mildly scandalized) Goodness

Brennan: Okay! Thank you for sharing

Nay: I used to write Fresh Prince fanfiction

Michael: Yaaaaas!!!

Brennan: Really?

Sam: Yaas!!

Nay: Yes! Because I wanted to be on it so bad!

Joshua: Oh my God

Nay: Yeah. I was Will's cousin, so another cousin, I guess

Michael: Oh hell yeah

Nay: So I guess I was everyone's cousin really

Michael: Named Nay?

Nay: I don't remember. I don't know about the name. But yeah

Joshua: I loved Hillary so much

Nay: Oh my God

Joshua: She was my favorite

Nay: Same

Joshua: Loved her

Nay: Same

Michael: The first script I ever wrote, I think I was twenty-three and it was a Will & Grace

Nay: Oh!

Brennan: So it was like a spec script, but it was fanfiction

Michael: Kind of fanfic. I mean, it is fanfic when you have no clue what you're doing

Brennan: It super is

Michael: I mean spec (script)s are kind of fanfic in a lot of ways

Brennan: "And then Will kisses a guy named Michael…"

Michael: Yeah, right?

Brennan: Did you ever write anything like that, Josh?

Joshua: Fanfic?

Brennan: Yeah

Joshua: The closest I came, and it wasn't really a thing in my childhood in the Eighties or Nineties, I don't think. But when I was in second grade we had to write short stories and I turned in a short story that was just the plot of Grease 2

(Everyone laughs)

Nay: Wow

Joshua: And I think I got an "A", I think I got a gold star and she's like, "This is so inventive."

Michael: Did you have some of the songs written in there too? Like the titles at least?

Joshua: No. Just a synopsis. Like an IMDb synopsis

Michael: Oh my God

Brennan: Oh my God

Michael: I wish Rebekah was here right now

Nay: Right. I'm like, "Was this your coming out story?"

Joshua: My whole life is a coming out story

Brennan: Right

Nay: Yeah. Isn't it?

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: Truly

Joshua: Yeah

Michael: Grease 2. We just talked about that

Nay: Yeah

Michael: That's why I'm so excited that you brought it up. It's so great

Brennan: Sam, you're the last for the hammer to fall. Did you ever write any fanfiction of any kind?

Sam: No. I have written erotica, though

Brennan: Oh! About a property, an intellectual property? Or just generally?

Sam: No, I just think erotica is really fucking cool. I used to work at a bookstore and so I would curate my staff picks and I would always put gay erotica out on the endcaps of Borders that I worked at

Brennan: Oh yeah

Sam: 'Cause I was like, fuck it, you know? So yeah, I'm into it and I wrote some of my own

Brennan: Cool. Did you put it on the endcap as well, just your looseleaf writings?

Nay: The notes inside the books

Sam: Actually, so me and a bunch of the booksellers did-- do you guys remember the book Postsecrets?

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: Yeah!

Joshua: Yeah. Oh, I loved that

Sam: Yeah. So we would write down real confessions, like sexual experiences and things like that, and we would hide them in Postsecrets, like actual Postsecrets books

Michael: That's really clever

Joshua: Oh my God

Sam: So when  people bought them, you would take them home and find our secrets

Brennan: Whoa

Joshua: That's amazing

Michael: That's pretty cool

Brennan: That's so interactive

Nay: I'd be like, "These Borders employees are wilding, okay?" (laughs)

Michael: "They're down for some shit," yeah

Sam: So crazy

Joshua: Did anyone ever confess to a murder in one of those? I always wanted to see someone be like, "I killed my sister," but it's anonymous (laughs)

Michael: "You know my sister that they think drowned? I killed her."

Joshua: "I killed her."

Sam: I'd love to see a Postsecrets of just horror villains that's just all of their backstories

Joshua: Oh yeah, that's a really good idea

Nay: Yes

Brennan: But getting back to the movie, Elizabeth Bathory has no secrets. She does share everything with everyone

Nay: Mmm-hmm

Brennan: But I wanna talk about--

Michael: It's how she seduces you

Sam: Mmmm

Brennan: But also, this movie's weirdly skittish about sex… I was expecting a lot more moaning in this movie, I would say. A lot more soft, billowing curtains. I mean, more of a Jess Franco movie. And it wasn't giving me that and I thought that was interesting. So, if anyone had any ideas about the point of not showing us hot women making out with each other

Joshua: I'm not sure if it's super interested in sex, actually, even though it's about sensuality? I dunno. Is there a distinction?

Michael: Oh yeah, there is for sure

Joshua: It feels like it's more interested in mood and tone and sensuality than actual sex

Brennan: Yeah

Michael: Yeah. To me it's more about seduction, it's like long game seduction more than anything

Joshua: Yeah

Michael: That's why they-- to me it's kind of hot that they only share that one--

Brennan: Big kiss?

Michael: Just a peck of a kiss. But I love that there's a little speck of blood in the corner of her mouth when that happens

Joshua: Blood, yeah

Brennan: Yeah

Michael: That's kinda hot

Nay: Mmm-hmm

Joshua: Although the heterosexual sex at the top of the movie is more graphic than any of the sex we get throughout the rest of the movie

Michael: It's really quiet

Brennan: That's true

Michael: When they have sex in the movie, it's like there's not a sound

Brennan: Who wants to hear it?

Michael: It's true

Sam: Hang on. Let me go hang a red scarf from this light and you can play it

Joshua and Michael: Oh

Nay: Perfect for apartment living

Michael: I just wanna see that fuckin' red kimono again

Brennan: (to Michael) You and his bathrobe

Joshua: I love a short bathrobe

Michael: Me too

Joshua: Do you remember in The Brood when Oliver North wears that shorty robe? Oh, so hot

Sam: Yes. Yes.

Michael: Will's character on Will & Grace always wore a shorty robe

Joshua: Yeah

Michael: It was so hot

Sam: I could not take him seriously when he was throwing a temper tantrum in that bathrobe though

Joshua: I know

Sam: It was (laughs)

Michael: I love that after he accidentally killed that girl, the first thing he did was put on his shorty robe

Nay: Wouldn't-- yeah

Joshua: Yeah

Nay: Makes sense. Yeah

Brennan: Soooo, Nay. I always like to ask when it's the first time, and I'm gonna ask for everyone, but the credits are rolling, what's the first thought that pops into your mind when this movie ended, your first watch

Nay: I think actually I really was like, "Oh, I was expecting something more Jess Franco."

Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Nay: I think that's the first thing I was thinking about

Brennan: Do you like what you got?

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: Yeah

Nay: Yeah. Visually it was so stunning

Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Nay: And I can watch something just for that, even if it's maybe a little boring at times

Michael: Just the sound design was so great

Nay: And the sound. It was good

Michael: Yeah

Nay: Like I said, I wanna look at it or listen to it, you know, maybe not at the--

Michael: Yeah, 'cause when I texted you, "Did you watch the movie?" You had said what you said about watching and not listening and doing both at the same time, and I was literally writing. Had my earbuds in and was only listening to the movie and I would always manage to look when something important was being shown, like the note

Nay: 'Cause the music tells you, yeah

Brennan: Yeah

Michael: I loved kind of just listening to it

Nay: Yeah. No, yeah. I did, too

Michael and Nay: Yeah

Brennan: Sam, how about you? What is the first, like your first instinctual reaction to this movie

Sam: It was, "This is the kind of movie in film school that everybody's gonna tell me I'm gonna have to like, and I'm gonna have to agree." I know how that sounds, because I liked it visually

Brennan: Oh, you're trying to save face?

Sam: Yeah, it's one of those things where I know I'm supposed to like this, I know I'm supposed to like this

Michael: (chuckles) Film school sounds fun

Sam: I really liked it visually. I loved the roasting marshmallows thing like I said--

Nay: Yes

Sam: I think that's such a cool wide shot. And there were a lot of cool filmmaking elements to it. And the more we talk about it, the more I find, I keep finding these moments that I really liked

Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Sam: As a film, as a whole, I can't imagine putting it in again. And so I was trying to think of ways to say that (laughs) when the credits rolled

Joshua: Well, I had that experience with it, too. The first time I watched it I fell asleep twenty minutes in and missed the whole thing

Sam: All right

Joshua: And years later it's like, I thought of it and the more times I watch it, the more times I like it

Sam: Mmmm

Joshua: And it is just a mood and just a tone, but that's okay with me

Nay: Yeah!

Joshua: Sometimes when people criticize filmmakers, someone like David Lynch or Wes Anderson or Quentin Tarantino or whomever, they say they're just style and not substance. I think with filmmakers like that and a film like Daughters of Darkness, style is substance. I think that's enough

Sam: You know what it reminded me of? The first time I saw The Shining (1980), I had a very similar reaction. I mean, I was younger, but I was like, "Oh This is a thing that people really like." And now I can't get enough of it

Joshua: Yeah

Sam: And it is the mood of it. You know, you wear The Shining when you watch it

Joshua: Yeah

Michael: Well The Shining's beautiful in the same way, you know what I mean?

Brennan: That chilly loamy…

Nay: Yeah

Michael: Just fucking walking through The Shining, like you walk through The Shining I feel like when you watch it

Nay: Oh yeah

Michael: You know what I mean? And i kinda had some of those experiences watching (Daughters of Darkness) where I felt like I was walking through the hotel

Nay: I wanted to

Michael: Yeah!

Joshua: Yeah!

Sam: Oh, same!

Michael: I agree with you, Josh. In a lot of ways I kept telling myself, "There's no story here." But then I realized, they don't give a shit, so why should I?

Nay: Yeah

Joshua: Yeah. It is a boring movie, but so what?

Michael: You know what I mean?

Nay: It was great. Yeah

Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Joshua: It's a different movie, you experience it differently

Nay: And I will watch it again

Michael: And I think that's what they were doing. "We're not giving you a lot of story, we just want you to experience something."

Sam and Joshua: Mmmm.

Michael: Because there's a lot of all your other senses were part of the movie, you know?

Nay: Yeah

Joshua: Yeah

Michael: Except taste, which I'm kinda bummed about

Brennan: Ooooh!

Sam: What would you have wanted to taste?

Joshua: The fish that they eat in the opening scene

Brennan: Oh yeah

Michael: Maybe some of his robe

Nay: (laughing) Oh my God!

Michael: Or what's inside

Nay: Yes

Brennan: Oh my God!

Joshua: What about that weird green drink that the Countess drinks?

Michael: Oh, I wanted all of it

Joshua: What is that?

Nay: Surge

Brennan: That St. Patrick's Day cocktail

Joshua: Yeah

Michael: I just assumed it was some sort of vampiric potion

Sam: It's a Shamrock Shake

Brennan: It's like a creme de menthe of some kind

Joshua: Well she was pouring it out. There's a scene in The Muppet Movie when Piggy and Kermit go on a fancy date in a restaurant and then Steve Martin is their waiter and he pours them a drink that looks exactly like that

Brennan: Oh my God. Thank you so much. I was really worried that I had lost you--

Nay: Yes

Brennan: When you had read only a couple of the Animorphs but the Muppets are my favorite thing in the world

Joshua: Oh, I love them so much

Brennan: Also, that movie came out the same weekend as Alien, so they're both celebrating their fortieth anniversary this year

Joshua: Great week. Great fuckin' week

Sam: Wow

Michael: Wow. Really? (sotto voce) That's crazy

Brennan: Yeah. Just contemplate that for a second. But also--

Sam: The Muppets have aged so well

Nay: Right

Joshua:  Yeah

Brennan: Truly. But--

Joshua: The first time when that new Muppet movie came out a few years ago, like, I dunno, might be ten years now

Brennan: The one with Jason Segel?

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: Yeah

Joshua: I went opening weekend 'cause it was Thanksgiving and as soon as it started, I started to weep

Brennan: Me too!

Joshua: I didn't know how much I missed the Muppets

Nay: Awwww!

Joshua: And how much I needed them

Brennan: Oh my God!

Joshua: It was so comforting

Michael: Did you like the show? That they just did? The sitcom?

Joshua: I didn't watch it

Michael: Yeah

Brennan: I loved it

Michael: Did you?

Brennan: It's The Office with Muppets

Nay: Oh!

Michael: They had a lot of fuckin' trouble

Brennan: It's terrific

Nay: That sounds great

Michael: Didn't it go through three different premises in less than a season?

Joshua: Yeah

Michael: A lot of retooling

Brennan: They did a lot of retooling after the winter hiatus and it fell apart, but great show. But no, that 2011 Muppet movie is my first exposure to the Muppets--

Joshua: Ohhhh!

Brennan: My first real exposure

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: I love that movie, it's terrific. But when Kermit starts singing "Rainbow Connection" with everyone? I cried too!

Nay: Awwwww

Brennan: 'Cause I could recognize that this meant something--

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: To everyone

Joshua: The finale of the original Muppet movie is the most L.A. beautiful thing ever. When they're singing (sings) "Life is a movie, write your own ending…"

Brennan: Yeah. Yeah!

Joshua: (regular voice) And the rainbow bursts through the ceiling and it's just so amazing

Brennan: Mmm-hmm. It's so great

Joshua: Life changing

Brennan: My second viewing of that movie, I took my boyfriend and we had a fight right before and I was like, "Don't ruin this for yourself." Anyway!

(Everyone else laughs)

Michael: Wow. I was expecting a much different ending to that short story

Nay: Right!

Sam: I think this is the episode where I fell in love with Brennan

Nay: Thoroughly impressed. Thoroughly impressed

Brennan: Anyway. Thank you so much for allowing this pivot

Brennan: Sam. Are you someone who prizes narrative in movies? Is that something that you're looking for when you watch a movie?

Sam: (sighs) I mean, yeah. (chuckles) I'm guilty!

Brennan: No, look, I'm there too. Which is why I feel like I recognized your struggle in connecting with (Daughters of Darkness). But is there a single point where you found a foothold in the movie?

Sam: Yes. For me, it was the beginning and the end

Brennan: Okay

Sam: The very opening with the two of them in bed and all that, I found to be really compelling. And at the end, once she switched and the Countess had said to her-- when there was the argument between the Countess and what's the husband's name?

Joshua: Stefan

Sam: Stefan. And Stefan was y'know, talking about his wife as if she were his property--

Brennan: Ooooh!

Sam: And the Countess said, "Would she go with you if it was a choice? Did she choose that last night? Would she choose that now?"

Brennan: His line is, "I am a man and she is mine."

Sam: Yes

Joshua: "My property." Yeah, you're right

Nay: Yes

Sam: And when the element of choice is brought into it and (the Countess) brings that up, it's kind of incredible because she has glamoured her to a certain extent, right? Because she acknowledges earlier in the film, or not long before that, that when she's around the Countess she feels like she's a different person, but to me that's a very queer moment and I enjoy that

Michael: And she's so scared of being around her, too

Sam: Yes

Nay: Mmm-hmm

Michael: Which is queer coding as well

Brennan: She admits that she's terrified

Nay: Yeah

Sam: So, to see that final sequence where she is seducing that couple and the Countess is no longer alive, it's actually that she's discovered her true self, which is, or to me, it's seeing her embrace that queerness because the Countess isn't there to influence her and neither is her monster of a husband

Nay: Mmm

Sam: And so when she is given the choice, we actually see her choose. And she chooses to live this way

Brennan: Ooooh!

Sam: And I think it's beautiful

Nay: Yeah

Sam: As a bisexual person, because she's got two victims, one of each

Brennan: Uh-huh

Sam: That to me, narratively, I was in

Brennan: I'm glad this movie gave you something. 'Cause I do think--

(Michael snickers)

Brennan: What? Whatever

(Michael laughs)

Brennan: Michael

Michael: Yeah

Brennan: What was your first thought when this movie wrapped?

Michael: Hmmm. Good question. I mean, i was a little underwhelmed 'cause I thought there'd be more violence

Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Michael: I dunno why, I just assumed that. But that fucking ending took care of it for me

Nay: Yes. For real

Michael: In so many ways. And to kind of build off of what Sam was saying, a thing I liked most about the movie, too, was Stefan was the real enemy

Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Nay: Mmm-hmm

Sam: Yes

Michael: And Bathory… she is actually kind of like her savior in a lot of ways and I kind of love finding those moments in movies like this because humanity is always worse than anything else you can imagine

Brennan: Too true

Joshua: You just made me think of the ending of The Witch (2019), or The VVitch

Nay: Yes

Joshua: You know what I mean?

Nay: Fascinating

Michael: I mean, when you look at most Stephen King works, like any of his novels. I'm re-reading It right now, and you read It, and yes, Pennywise is a big part of it, but it's really about how fucking disgusting human beings are

Sam and Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Nay: Yeah

Michael: I'm always a huge fan of horror movies that can kind of Trojan horse that into a movie, most of the movie and then at the end explicitly tell you that, you know, humanity sucks

Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Michael: So for me that was my main takeaway from the movie too, was that Stefan was the monster

Brennan: Oh! Absolutely!

Michael: Yeah

Brennan: He is wild from square one. I mean, okay. The reveal of at first they have that conversation where she's like, "Do you love me?" And he's like, "I think you know the answer to that." And I was like, oh they're flirting--

Michael: Well he says, "No," doesn't he?

Brennan: And then he's like, "No, I don't." And she's like, "I don't love you either." And he goes, "Then we're made for each other!" Like, oh, that's kind of a fun European thing. And then it's revealed that they are newlyweds?

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: That's such a shock and such a change in the dynamic of their relationship, it was so interesting. I was like, "Oh yeah. Stefan's a piece of shit."

Nay and Sam: Mmm-hmm

Joshua: I got the idea that he was not joking and she was, you know?

Michael: Yes

Brennan: Yeah!

Nay: Yeah

Michael: Which is kind of awesome (chuckles)

Joshua: Which is really fucked up

Michael: Well, it's just so interesting 'cause that's how I read them the whole movie

Joshua: Yeah

Nay: Yeah

Michael: She was madly in love and she eventually has her turn where like, 'cause of my Shady Summary I felt like she didn't really like him much either

Brennan: No

Michael: But she had to grow to realize that

Nay and Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Michael: Whereas he fuckin' hates her

Joshua: He just wants to control her and to own her

Michael: Yeah

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: Yeah

Michael: Yeah. I mean, she does kind of suck

Brennan: Uh! She's fine

Joshua: Maybe in the way he's owned by that old queen

Michael: She doesn't deserve any of the violence or anything--

Brennan: Oh yeah

Michael: But I think she's really annoying

Brennan: Really? Why?

Michael: (laughs) She's just like, hangin' all over him the whole movie

Brennan: Well, look. When someone's being that cold to you--

Michael: True. You overcompensate?

Brennan: You might react by overreacting

Joshua: Oh my God. I've made that mistake so many times

Michael: So many times

Joshua: It's the worst

Michael: "Maybe if I text him fifteen times today he'll reply."

Nay: (exhales)

Michael: (laughing) Nay, did you just breathe deep?

Nay: Yeah

Michael: It's real, right?

Nay and Joshua: Mmm-hmm

Michael: Mmm-hmm

Brennan: So, what do we think of the cop character, who shows up, swears all over the duvet and then leaves. What do you think he was trying to accomplish in any of this?

Sam: Oh my God, I forgot he was in this movie

Nay: Yeah

Joshua: It felt like that was their attempt at plot. But then they were like, "Nah, we don't need this because it doesn't go anywhere."

Nay: "Mmmaybe?" "Nay.c

Michael: (indistinct) I kept confusing him and the butler or whatever?

Joshua and Brennan: Oh, Pierre?

Michael: The concierge or whatever? I kept thinking it was the same guy. (chuckles)

Joshua: (mock offended) Not all Belgians look the same, Michael

Brennan: I did like the one employee of the hotel. And first of all, how they're marveling at how he's managed to stay awake this whole time. But he's pulling out that fern

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: I think

Joshua: That's one of the times, that's the last time that someone walks through the fern when they could've gone two steps around it. It's that fuckin' fern. I think it's the same one every shot

Brennan: (laughing) And he specifically puts it in that area

Joshua: He just moves it around every shot

Michael: That fucking fern

Brennan: Yeah, it's like someone in a store dragging out the opening sign that you put on the curb or whatever

Michael: Uh-huh

Brennan: But it's just a potted plant?

Joshua: If this was a world where Daughters of Darkness was treated like Rocky Horror and people went and saw it live, every time someone walked through the fern you would shout or take a drink or something like that

Brennan: Throw leaves in the air?

Joshua: Yeah, exactly

Brennan: I love that. Who would you dress up as? Or what Bathory dress would you wear?

Michael: He would dress up as a fern!

Joshua: I would be a fern! No, I think--

Michael: The shimmer, right?

Joshua: The sequined black cloak, actually is more my vibe

Nay, Brennan and Michael: Ooooh

Brennan: And Michael obviously would go with the robe

Michael: Yep

Brennan: Nay, do you have?

Nay: I don't know

Brennan: Okay. Sam?

Joshua: (to Nay) You would look really good in Ilona's little black Peter Pan collar dress actually

Nay: Thank you

Michael: Ooooh

Nay: I don't collar, but the staircase I would like to be (laughs)

Michael: Ooooh! That's really good

Nay: (laughing) It's beautiful!

Joshua: That's luxurious

Brennan: Luxury

Nay: (sighs) I wanna go there

Michael: Sam, what about you?

Sam: I wanna be the broken crystal bowl that strategically slices people's wrists open

Brennan: (gasps) Oh my God!

Sam: That's it

Nay: Yes

Brennan: Yeah, that crystal bowl death really was worth the…

Sam: Price of admission?

Michael: It was amazing

Brennan: Seventy minutes it took to get there

Michael: They tried to suffocate him with the crystal

Sam: My. God.

Michael: And at first I thought she was gonna bash it over his head

Brennan: This could be said of the movie in general

Nay: Right

Michael: But then she puts it, I don't, how do you say that? Like just, inside down?

Brennan: Concave?

Michael: Yeah. And I'm like, "What are they? They're gonna suffocate him this way?"

Joshua: It's a luxurious way to die. It's probably so awesome

Michael: (sighs) It's amazing. And then they slowly cut his wrist and cuts him

Sam: It's like, "You could've just bashed his head in, babe."

Michael: That's what I thought she was gonna do

Brennan: Yeah

Michael: Just bashing his head in with crystals. Gorgeous

Nay: Right!

Brennan: What's a fancier way to die? Choking on a Faberge egg or something?

Joshua: I know

Sam: Even that the suffocation didn't work, but they broke the crystal and the crystal moved to his wrists and he had them  in the Jesus pose at the end

Michael: Both of them just sucking it out? Yeah. So amazing

Sam: (indistinct)

Nay: Just gorgeous

Sam: Living

Brennan: That is one of the movie-- the movie fades to red at a lot of points

Nay: Oh I love it

Joshua: Oh I love it

Brennan: But it's usually just on these beautiful tableaux

Nay: Yes

Sam: I have two notes on this movie

Brennan: Okay

Sam: One is "Fade to red". And the other one is, "Stefan is a dick."

Brennan: Both accurate!

Sam: Didn't want to forget

Nay: I love it when it fades to red, yeah

Brennan: Or how about the scene after he has beat her at night?

Nay: Mmmm

Brennan: Which, rough scene. But the shot of him waking up, tangled in the sheet, gripping his belt

Michael: Yeah

Brennan: And her apart from him, gripping a different sheet, just curled up

Nay: Yeah

Brennan: It's beautiful and sinister

Sam: Mmmm

Brennan: The movie has a lot of those, where it's just like, "We're gonna sit on this image."

Michael: Well they just sat on her exposed back, with bruises

Brennan: Yeah

Joshua:

Nay: Yeah

Michael: Yeah, for a really long time, which was like--

Nay: Ooof

Michael: I hate to say great shot, but it was a (chuckling) really great shot

Brennan: No, when they're both suckling at his wrists--

Michael: Yeah, that was cool

Brennan: He's dead

Nay: Yes. I loved it!

Michael: Me too

Nay: Yeah

Joshua: I mean the most iconic shot is her in her shimmery dress lighting those candles

Nay: (softly) Oh my God

Brennan: Ooooh

Joshua: That's the most giffable and if you Google image search it, you're gonna run into that

Nay: Thank God

Michael: Is that the one I sent you today?

Joshua: Yes. Yeah, that gif

Nay: Thank God

Michael: My favorite moment though, is when they fuckin' just throw him over the balcony--

Brennan: Yep!

Michael: I'm just waiting for him to land in the ocean and then it's just like (smacks the table)

Joshua: And the whole segment where they're driving and she's telling him to go faster faster faster

Brennan: Ooooh

Michael: Where are they going?

Joshua: The sun is coming up. It's so good. It's almost like sex because they're paniting and she's saying, "Faster," into her ear and it's like--

Nay: Yeah

Joshua: It's really cool

Michael: It's really great

Brennan: Oooh, oooh! I forgot about my favorite shot of the movie! The shot-- I don't remember exactly what she's doing, but it's a mirror shot, where you see--

Michael: Her hand!

Joshua: Oh, it's her compact

Michael: Her compact?

Nay: Ohh

Michael: Oh, I loved that

Brennan: No, there's a wall mirror. Elizabeth Bathory's adjusting something on Valerie or doing something to her with her hands. But you see Elizabeth Bathory in real life in the foreground. In the background is Valerie. In the mirror

Nay: Mmmm

Brennan: So they're on these two different planes, but staring at each other

Joshua: Ohh. Hmmm

Brennan: It's so beautiful

Joshua: Whoa. I noticed a scene that she was looking at her compact--

Nay: Yeah

Joshua: And you don't see her, you only see--

Michael: Only see her hand? Yeah. I loved that

Brennan: Yeah

Sam: I love that because of the audacity. She's like, she doesn't need to do anything in the compact, she's just showing the cop. She's like, "By the way, vampire." (laughs)

Michael: She's just like, "Clap."

Sam: Yeah. Absolutely no reason to pull it out! She's just showing him

Nay: Just "snap"

Michael: "Snap"

Sam: She doesn't give a fuck

Nay: Like a flipper phone

Michael: "Fuck you!" So good

Joshua: Oh God, I miss the flip phone for that reason

Nay: Yes

Joshua: I never had a compact, but I miss being like, (click!) "Goodbye!"

Nay: Right! Yes! Call ended

Michael: Or being in front of somebody and doin' that--

Nay: Yeah

Joshua: Yeah

Michael: All pissed off from something?

Brennan: It's satisfying

Nay: And you couldn't break that shit. That was great

Michael: Those phones could fuckin' survive a nuclear war

Brennan: Just them and the Twinkies and the cockroaches

Michael: The cockroaches, yeah

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: About the dress that I would wear, is--

Nay: Oh, yes

Michael: Oh yeah

Brennan: I would totally wear her sparkly Crazy in Alabama dress. It's so beautiful

Joshua: Yeah

Brennan: And I've never seen Crazy in Alabama, I've only seen the DVD cover, but the dress, I think about it all the time

Nay: Wow. Noted

Brennan: I'm kind of in my, what if Roger Ebert was a very sassy film presenter? Like, "And what do we think about this one?"

Michael: Imagine Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel giving Pride floats to movies? (chuckles)

Brennan: Mmmm

Michael: What if?

Brennan: They would have hated our podcast

Michael: Yeah

Brennan: Because we praise so many movies that they were just like, "Pffffft!"

Michael: Yeah

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Episode 42: "Seductive Genie" (w/ Keith Calder!)