Notions

***Notions***, are a concept uniquely found in Ireland which loosely translate to delusions of grandeur, but probably more accurately delusions of middle class. Not to be confused with the shop Notionz, though allegedly they do sell Newbridge Silverware, which is enjoyed by Memmehs From Across The Road all over Ireland.

Aisling is utterly obsessed with the concept of *notions* ever since she first became aware of them. She sees The FATRs as being the anthropomorphic personification of *NOTIONS*. She sees it in everything they do and sometimes becomes a little too locked on and takes photographs of "notiony food" to show Majella because she thinks that of COURSE The FATRs enjoy things like that, such as Prosecco crisps. NFATR is completely and utterly oblivious to *notions* in herself and in other people.

## Examples of *Notions*

1. Having a cleaner.
2. Sending food back in a restaurant.
3. Not inviting everyone from BGB to your wedding.
4. Gluten-free when you're not a coeliac.
5. Drinking any kind of tea other than Barrys or Lyons, or drinking either of the two of them black.
6. Use of a tumble driers when there's **OBVIOUSLY** good drying outside.
7. Shopping in Marks & Spencer's or Avoca for anything.
8. Holidaying anywhere that's not Grand Canaria.
9. Serving food without plates, but especially serving food on wooden boards.
10. Buying a new car more regularly than once every X number of years, where X is more than one year sooner than the person calling *notions*.

## Things Aisling Considers *Notions*

1. Going to Trinity

2. Mowing the lawn on a Sunday

3. Any English sounding surname such as Johnson, Wallace, Young

4. Rugby

5. Having a postbox with your English sounding surname on it

6. Beef Wellington

7. Excessive baking

8. Old ladies who don't wear scarves on their heads when they leave the house

9. Everyone who voted for David Norris

10. Being a bank manager

11. Having a lot of family in England or having lived in England for any period of greater than 1 year, unless you're her relation

12. Biscotti

13. Needlework

14. Watching the Northern Irish news (Ulster Aisling)

15. Living in sin

16. Solicitors

17. Only having one child

18. Private School

19. Macaroons, the biscuit cake thing not the chocolate bar

20. Afternoon tea

21. Being concerned with the Royal Family in any way outside of the Royal Wedding. Not to include Mrs. Asho's love of Lady Di or Granny Asho's love of the Queen Mother

22. Referring to the above as Princess Diana or the Queen Mum

23. Calling your mammy 'mum'

24. Pints of bitter

25. Having a harpist at your wedding

26. Coffee

27. Any kind of herbal tea (possibly excluding chamomile, but including Earl Grey)

28. Having a private gym membership

29. Being from within the Pale

30. Choosing wine by its label and origins rather than solely by price

31. Having a double-barrelled second name

32. Going to the doctor for a regular check-up rather than because you actually have something wrong, like your arm falling off

33. Salads that don't consist solely of lettuce, tomato and onion

34. Going to farmers' markets

35. Caring about animal rights or where any of your food comes from

36. Using liquid fabric detergent

37. Using fabric softener

38. Saying "Candy" instead of "Sweets" or "Milsean"

39. Hairspray

40. Watching "Greys Anatomy"

41. Listening to any kind of music with a Synth line.

42. Reading The Sunday Times.

43. Dogs that can't be used for herding, such as Chihuahuas, Jack Russells are okay because they're lively

44. Craig Doyle

45. Chintz

46. Those shirts where the collar and cuffs contrast with the rest of the shirt

47. Having more than one set of cufflinks

48. Collections, such as collecting stamps or thimbles

49. Yoga

50. Pilates

51. Yogalates

52. Neckscarves

53. Pinstripes

54. Hiking, as opposed to going for a walk

55. Dressing up your dog

56. Crufts

57. Tweed

58. Fancy cheese folk

59. Owning a cat that lives indoors and whose sole purpose isn't to rid the yard of rodents

60. Watching David Attenborough and/or The Antiques Roadshow and/or BBC Jane Austen adaptations

61. Science degrees

62. PhDs

63. Those folk that serve olives with their cheese. Olives... the protestant grape.

64. Recorders

65. "Spirituality"

66. Fountain pens

67. People who don't like Ballymaloe Relish

68. Terry's chocolate.

69. People who DO like Ballymaloe Relish.

70. Forgetting your 'bag for life' but not trying to carry all your 'messages' on your body like some kind of human Buckaroo and \*gasp...buying a plastic bag

71. Doing any course where the eventual job isn't obvious from the title like engineering, nursing, teaching

72. Poetry

73. Being related, even very distantly, to any member of the judiciary, past or present

74. All academics

75. The name Nigel

76. Muesli

77. First names that aren't either Irish, from the Bible or easily made into a shorter version ending with 'y'

78. Mothers who insist their children only be addressed by their full name and, by extension, their children

79. People who wait until after the Christmas dinner to open their presents

80. Calling presents gifts

81. UHT milk

82. Going "up North" for cheaper shopping and so not supporting the local community

83. The Property Tax, and water charges

84. Marks and Spencers

85. Hummous

86. Men who wear scarves

87. Quality Street

88. Ruth Scott

89. Yogalates

90. Donald Trump

91. The Labour Party

92. The Gate Theatre

93. Martina Brooks/Nina Spellmeyer

94. Calling Santy "Father Christmas"

95. Quorn/Quinoa/Quail any food beginning with Q - particularly QU

96. Crowdfunding

97. A violin (its just a Protestant fiddle)

98. Any kind of cheese that's not cheddar or plastic eighties slices

99. Capers

100. Non-dairy milk (rice, almond, coconut, oat, soya)

101. Nut Butter

102. A well maintained grandfather clock that ticks very loudly

103. Green Salt & Vinegar Crisps/Blue Cheese and Onion

104. Paying for Water

105. Landing pages