The Bargarean Jade

Illustration by Eric Geusz @spacegooose

The Bargarean Jade is the sentient spaceship the crew calls home. She commonly refers to herself as "Bargie." It is unclear whether Bargie's consciousness is organic or an AI diffused throughout the ship. Back in the day, she was an A-List holofilm actress with credits a mile long. Now she’s a weathered has-been who blew all her Kroon on the now-outdated furniture on her bridge, so she took this dumb job. Bargie has a distinctly negative outlook on life, a LOT of exes, and looooves to gossip. Heart of gold, salt of the space.

Bargie has a son named Blimpie. Bargie has been married many times and involved in many more romantic dalliances. She insists that among the crew she is the only one allowed to utter the name of Tiny Toots, her ex, the ship of the number 1 crew in the Federated Alliance.

## Season 1

* Bargie's one wing is an add on.
* Bargie used to do filthy films and was in a film that won a Goo-Goo Award
* Bargie has been married over 80(?) times, she also used to date a hacky sac.
* Bargie once hosted the Ku Ku awards.
* Bargie does not have a cube but does have a cubeport for friendships.
* Bargie has a replicator, a dehumidifier which she is feuding with, and a refrigerator
* Probably on a number of SILJ (Ships I'd like to Juck) websites
* Used to be a nudist, wore tiny painted on clothes
* Has a synthetic hull
* Has an autobiography
* Does not have guns
* Dated the first planet crusher
* Has a sleep-mode  and a Pout Mode.
* Has a refrigerated cargo hold
* Her greatest rival is Tiny Toots
* Her exhaust smells like Peach Cobbler
* Has a cleaning cycle; her class of ship was nearly outlawed due to the chemicals used in the cleaning fluid
* Has had a defecation-hole installed
* Has a standing brunch date every week
* Has a horn that plays 'La Cucaracha'
* Is familiar with the Zenk district before
* Her first film was with LaCraine LaCross
* She has a printer

## Season 2

* Bargie claps by knocking her engines together.
* Bargie has seven mufflers.
* Bargie is now fitted with guns.

## Season 3

The Bargarean Jade has a Season 3 story arc beginning when the crew finds her on Holowood at the premiere of AtmosFear-5. When she reunites with the crew, she quickly decides to abandon her revived career without explanation beyond saying that she jucked up. She quickly works to change her name and have her infoweb presence altered and as the season progresses, it becomes clearer that Bargie is in both legal and financial hot water, possibly even putting out a hit on the head of a cartel. Bargie's eagerness to find acting work and challenges with relating to organic sentients however eventually gets the best of her, and she falls for a sting operation run by the authorities posing as Holowood "directs". Bargie is put on trial for financial murder on the hit holo show Pump Up the Justice!, which by means of an audience text vote, acquits her of all charges.

* Bargie doesn't have wifi
* Although Bargie doesn’t have a face, she can move her parts to simulate winking in addition to making an angry face, a happy face, and a sleepy face.
* Bargie can also make a "during a financial boom decided to deposit money into the wrong hands and then ended up going in so deep that she told a bunch of people to assassinate the head of a cartel and it ended up getting back. She never realized murder was real" face. (Apparently looks like Bargie's regular face.)
* Bargie is referred to as a "selenium-age starlet" on "Holowood Tonight"

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 The (Redacted)
2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 This Juckin' Guy
3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 Assimilation is Futile
4. ↑ Dead Subquadrant's Got Talent
5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 The Delegator
6. ↑ The Space Awakens
7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 Grt Milk?
8. ↑ 8.0 8.1 8.2 8.3 Nermie, I Shrunk the Crew
9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 A Critical Vulnerability
10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 Dust-Up at the Diner
11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 It's Hard Out Here For a Blimp
12. ↑ 12.0 12.1 Jumped by a Shark
13. ↑ Altar Boy
14. ↑ A Wing and a Repair
15. ↑ The Prattle of Sistoo
16. ↑ Down With the Emperor!
17. ↑ Jennifer's Bargie
18. ↑ 18.0 18.1 18.2 Jan with a Van
19. ↑ Chez Bargez
20. ↑ Pump Up the Justice
21. ↑ The Emperor Strikes Wack
22. ↑ A Quiet Place
23. ↑ Malice in Chains