Billy Mays' Quest Reviews

## Runescape Classic Quest Reviews with a touch of humor!

### Romeo & Juliet

Romeo’s really afraid of Juliet’s dad but we’ve never seen him ingame. Maybe Romeo keeps getting afk PK'd by him. Hey Romeo, why don’t you go talk to her yourself asshole? You can see her house from there. Papa aint home, you coulda just asked me that. Romeo is definitely a gigantic \*\*\*\*\*. Father Lawrence and the apothecary show some serious negligence here, but hey, their involvement is actually the *most faithful part of the adaptation*.

Considerations: No requirements and takes place almost entirely on the same latitude of west Varrock, all you accomplish is mental illness for Romeo and presumably Juliet is in a coma until she dies of starvation. But worth 5 quest points. How many times have I saved all of fucking RuneScape from demons, vampires, dragons, and yet this is worth 5? You told me to explain it clearly to him, Juliet! And the quest ends as soon as Romeo misunderstands! How can I feel good about these quest points Juliet??? How was miscommunication as a plot point rendered into miscommunication as an *ending*?? Wtf is this quest and why is it in this game?? I suspect Ian Gower had a boner for Shakespeare, but gave up half way through designing the quest.

Final score: 1 cadava potion out of 5 possible cadava potions.
And only because the ease/qp ratio is so nice, cause everything else about this quest blows!

### Druidic Ritual

First a Shakespeare quest and now a Stonehenge quest? I’m going through these in order of ease but one thing is clear: the Gower brothers fucking love England.

Kaqueemex, north Taverly. Not sure why a druid has a cherokee name but who am I to judge?

Kaqueemex is fucking identical to the other Druids (\*cough\* hippies) so you gotta hover mouse over a few before you find him. Seriously, they didn’t even give this guy a hat or something to set him apart. If you don’t stay on topic Kaqueemex (real name Chad) will try to convert you to Guthix which iirc is a giant skull with jellyfish tentacles. (No thanks, hail Zamorak bro ((but forreal hail Zaros brah)).

I ask Kaq’ for a hit of the dank shit and he says he gotsta teach me about the law of the herbs first. Basically I have to hit up his dealer Sanfew in south Tav before we can get high.

Not to be racist but Sanfew looks exactly like Kaq looks exactly like every other lvl 29 druid. He needs me to bring the squad 4 different kinds of “enchanted meats” (KFC, Taco Bell, McDonalds, AND Pizza Hut) before we can get high. They call it “the cauldron of thunder” because of the way you lay waste to the toilet the following day.

I get the four enchanted meats for their cauldron of thunder. We get high. I’m able to identify different types of strains now.

Considerations: Even though all the druids look the same, four herblaw levels, it gives four quest points, plot makes sense (“we need this shit if you really are looking to help you can do it for us”) while introducing a major RS God and RS skill. Also thought the attacking statutes were pretty cool when I was 12.

3/5

### Imp Catcher

So this is a "quest" that exists. Someone in wizard mizgog's frat played a joke on him. But really, the joke's on us.

0/5 Red beads

### The Restless Ghost

Priest Aereck in Lumbridge gets all butthurt when I say I haven’t heard of his girlfriend “Sara Doeman” and starts up with this holier-than-thou preacher-man routine. Sara Doeman is the light, he says, the purity and the goodness in all the world. She sounds like a prude tbh but I came here to pitch a sale, not a tent. I try to make it out the door, checking the address off my list. Some days you sell the Oxyclean; other days, the Oxyclean sells you. But before I’m gone he blurts out about the haunted graveyard in the back of the church and how Sara abhors a creature of darkness. And if there’s something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? ME. I see my in. So I turn back around, spark glimmering in my eye, and take a wide power stance. “Hi, BILLY MAYS here to show you the CLEANSING, EXORCISING POWER of OXYCLEAN. WATCH as OXYCLEAN unleashes the POWER OF OXYGEN to ERADICATE the SMELL AND STAINS of UNHOLY spirits!” I grin and gesticulate madly as I speak and Aereck’s eyes get all wide like a deer caught in headlights. I fucking crush the pitch. Maybe I should get into the religion business…

(Jesus Sara Doeman is represented by the crucifix)

Priest says go talk to his father, Urhney. Urhney and and his son don’t speak; in fact, Urhney built a fence stretching from Church Lum nearly all the way to Draynor just to keep him out. So instead of going next door to the south, I have to trek practically to the next town over and back. It’s bullshit but if there’s one thing I’ve learned about Runescape, it’s that most citizens prefer to live out their lives in the same ten-foot vicinity.

Urhney lives in a water-damaged hut in a fucking swamp where it smells like shit and mosquitos. He’s an asshole of the schizoid variety, and super paranoid about tax-men coming to repossess the place. He says he can’t show me the ghost because he needs to “meditate” (he steals a fiendish glance at a meth-encrusted glassblowing pipe in the corner). He gives me a silver chain he calls “the amulet of ghostspeak” and says I can talk to ghosts now. Whatever dude, don’t blow your up house cooking that crystal. At least he’s in the middle of nowhere and won’t hurt nobody else.

I go back to talk to the ghost but it just says “woo woo woo” and shit like that, and I can’t be fucked to learn ghostspeak. I put on the necklace and the ghost is like “nice chain tho” and I’m like “thanks” and then we’re both like “Wait can you understa-“ “are you talking to me-“ “whoaaa.” And then we just sit there, ineffably bound by the mystery of human language. Something similar happened to me in ‘Nam, where I accidentally bumped into one of those chinamen Viet Cong, but for some reason it was just too awkward and personal for either of us to kill the other.

Ghost tells me he’s ready to die for real but first he needs his skull returned. He says it’s at the wizard frat south of Dray - yeah same assholes from Imp Catcher - and apparently the bros carved out the top and use it as a chalice to drink wizard mind bombs out of. (Ghost guy used to be in the rival frat of darkwizards west of Falador and this is the type of stuff mage frats do.)

I bust in to the frat guns blazing and grab the skull when some bitch-ass skeleton of a pledge tries to kill me over it. This guy had literally zero meat on his bones. I tele back to Lum REAL quick and give the ghost his skull back. “Fuck… blue… wizards…” he says as he fades into nothingness. Also, he bought the economy-size barrel of Oxyclean without me even having to say anything. Boss. [But then he respawned and won’t talk to me anymore so not sure how well that went.]

For real tho: The most significant plot point of the quest is that Runescape - according to its internal mythos - is a computer game in which its NPCs are trapped, hopelessly unaware of- and unable to grasp - the desolation of their simulated existence. That much is canon. I am reminded of Gödel’s famous theorum, that no complete set is consistent and no consistent set is complete. Also, thought the surprise skeleton attack was pretty cool when i was 12.

Final score: This is a pretty good quest with straightforward tasks and loads of fun dialogue options unrelated to the actual completion of the quest. There’s tons of little details to be gleaned depending on which responses you choose. You get to heckle the priest, harass Urhney, and troll the ghost, among plenty of other options. Plus I gained 17 pray levels as a reward due to 2x exp being in effect.

3/5

### Cook's Assistant

Inexperienced cook has none of the basic ingredients to bake a cake for the Duke of Lumbridge on his birthday. Luckily, it's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake.

Final score: Paul Gower thinks it’s important for players to use a windmill to grind grain into flour, and go milk cows, because it’s medieval times or whatever.

2/5

### Doric's Quest

Doric the dwarf says he makes the best amulets, but won’t sell me any. If I bribe him a small amount of low-level ores, he’ll let me use his anvils, which are in a horrible location far from the nearest bank. For some reason the correct response, “No, hitting rocks is for boring people, sorry” doesn’t result in quest completion.

Real creative quest name.

2/5 bronze pickaxes

### Gertrude's Cat

Gertrude lives in a two-bedroom across from Juliet where she’s raising a gang of scrappy, dirt-faced sons all by herself. That is, her cat isn’t the only thing that’s gone missing. Who is the father?… Where is your man, Trudy? This quest should have been called “Gertrude’s Deadbeat Husband” where you hunt down his raggedy ass for child support owed.

(Theory: Gertrude looks similar in dress and appearance to Juliet. After completing R&J, if you talk to Romeo he says he’s “getting on well with Juliet’s cousin” (you fucking monster, you thought she’d died). I think Romeo is the deadbeat dad, guys.)

Trudy says her kittycat went missing, which I’m pretty sure is a menopause sex metaphor until she says to go find her son Shilop in Varrock square.

Shilop is a little Dickensian street urchin, the kind of kid who smokes “cigawettes” and abuses small animals. He readily admits that he lost Fluffs the cat, and that doesn’t give a fuck, and tries to extort 100gp from me just to hear where he abandoned her. I am ready to beat the everloving shit out of this child but there are just too many witnesses here. Plus, you can’t really blame Shilop, since there isn’t really any parenting going on in his life.

Fluffs resides in the lumberyard northeast of Varrock. She scratches me real deep when I try to pick her up, so I feed her and save her little kittens, but by the time I arrive at Gertrude’s house, I am too late. There’s just a bunch of kittens gnawing on a skeleton in a pink dress, and the children are gone. RIP.... RIP. :'(

### Witch's Potion

I found Hetty the Witch hiding out in a little safehouse in Rimmington. She says something about avoiding the witch-hunters from Falador, and she's just trying to practice her religion magic in peace. Which sort of flips the whole "White Knights are the good guys" narrative if you really think about it.

Hetty needs ingredients for a potion... looks like it's another one of these "shopping list" quests.

Hetty's list takes me to Betty the Witch in Port Sarim, who's even finer than her sister. Not to toot my own horn but we all know Billy Mays always got a bit of yayo on hand, and sometimes that's just what you need to make the real witches potion come to fruition. Before I know it, Hetty, Betty and I are back at my place, and let's just say I'm allowed into Legends guild now.

Final score:

2/5

### Sheep Shearer

Sometimes people are friendly when I travel door-to-door, other times they’re not. Fred the Farmer was not. He immediately asks me what I’m doing on his land and freaks out because I left the gates open. Apparently “scoundrels” have been slaying his chickens. When I ask for directions he replies curtly, “how can you be lost?” Thank goodness he’s here in Lumbridge to help people just starting out.

When I ask him for a quest he tells me to trim his sheep and make balls of wool (because it's medieval times, or whatever). I thought quests were things heroic adventurers undertook, not trivial tasks for the meek, and I tell him so. He says “you asked a farmer for a quest, what did you expect?”
I'm serious. This is all real dialogue from Fred the MotherFucking Farmer.

Fred mentions that something “ate” all his previous shearers, but that its nothing to worry about. Cool! Maybe this quest isn’t going to be so mundane after all.

I consider buying the balls of wool outright - I think the adventure general store in Ardougne might have them - but then I settle in to do the damn thing, and run around his field for a few minutes clicking on sheep before taking the wool to Lumby castle.

I return bearing balls of wool without any difficulties, annoyed by Fred’s misleading and possibly senile implications.

I kill Fred’s livestock, set fire to his home and salt his earth. As I walk out from the rubble of his former home, it occurs to me that I may have been the monster of which he spoke.

Final Score 1/5

### Ernest The Chicken

Veronica is damsel running around the front of Draynor manor in distress. She's looking for her fiancé, who's gone into the house to ask for directions. Veronica is too afraid to go look for him, so I have to.

The door creaks open. “Hi, Billy Mays here…” I announce to echoes. The door slams behind me and I am trapped in this spooky haunted house. Look, a spooky spider! And a spooky ghost! Oooh, a spooky witch! And gol’, a spooky skeleton!

And look, one of the tenants, spooky Professor Oddenstein! Oddenstein’s got a broken contraption he says is meant to be a transmutation machine, a time machine, dramatic lightning generator, and a thing for generating NPCs. He asks me if I know RuneCode, Java, or C+ and I reply that I only have a smattering of Python. Oddenstein is barely cutting it as a dev on this server. I tell him I’m looking for Ernest, and he informs me that he’s changed the poor man into a chicken, but that at least Veronica will get free eggs for breakfast.

Fixing the machine takes some creativity and persistence, or, if you’re 99.9% of players, a decent quest guide. Getting through the lever room for the oil can alone must have launched the majority of RSC fan communities, since that would be so hard to find out via trial and error.

During my stay at Draynor Manor I notice two small bug-bites develop next to each other on my neck. Huh.

Final score: This is one of two quests set in the classic Draynor Manor. Remember when you were a noob and you first adventured through its haunted doors, only for them to slam shut behind you? Draynor Manor is instant nostalgia territory, from its piranha-infested waterfountain to its attacking trees.

3/5

### Goblin Diplomacy

or “Dye Making 101”

In which I volunteer as a fashion designer at the Goblin Village. I also score some leaves from my new woad dealer, Wyson the Gardener, down at Fally park. Weirdly enough, you start this quest in the bar in Port Sarim, rather than at the Goblin Village.

2/5 Goblin armor

### Pirate's Treasure

Got hired at a banana plantation. Beat Wyson the Gardener to death with a shovel.
Lying low for the next couple of days.

3/5 woad leaves

### Vampire Slayer

British culture seems to be the Gower brothers’ most frequent touchstone for quest content, whether it’s the stonehenge-praying druids of Taverly or the star-crossed Shakespearean lovers of Varrock. Now we’ve got a quest ala Bram Stoker’s Dracula (Stoker was British). This is easily among the top 5 most memorable f2p quests, which isn't saying much since it’s the first bona-fide quest on this list to date. That is to say, my adventures thus far have amounted to little more than running the errands of strangers. Even Pirate’s Treasure, as fun as it sounds, mainly consists of working on a banana plantation. And when your quest climaxes with the murder of an elderly gardener, you’ve got bigger issues.

Anyway, so Morgan of Draynor says the town’s getting “ravaged” by a Vampire (hope he’s dracula-hot and not nosferatu-ugly). I agree to slay the vampire, mainly because of all the products I could sell this town when I become their hero, but also because I started purging the undead with that ghost earlier and I want to keep the ball rolling.

Morgan tells me to visit Dr. Harlow, a retired vampire slayer and veteran alcoholic. When I arrive at the Jolly Boar Inn, Harlow is already piss drunk. Even though he and Morgan are supposed to be tight, Harlow refuses to give me any vampire-slaying tips unless I buy him another drink. I forgot to bring gold, so I pickpocket a stranger’s hard-earned coins. I just don’t give a fuck.

Five rounds later, Dr. Harlow has really started to loosen up. “Yeah man,” he says. “The vampires are all illuminati, born and raised. The Trilateral Commission and Vanderbilt Rothschild group run the Bank of RuneScape and put the chemtrails in the windmills causing droughts, famine, and so on allowing the vampires move in to take their prey and steal the gold, which is the last stable currency.” I feel like we’re closing-in on how-to-kill-them territory, and Harlow presses on, looking me square in the eye, leaning in. “It’s a much bigger conspiracy, man. West Ardougne was an inside job.”

Eventually after lots of talk about something called infowars, he hands me the wooden stake that I need to purge the bloodsucker. I return to Draynor, take a dainty crafting hammer in hand and drive the stake through the heart of the ancient and terrible Count. By the rules of combat, I ascend to Steward of the House of Draynor and the manor becomes mine.

Final Score: The quest, along with Earnest, that put Draynor village on the map. Classic RuneScape.

3 out of 5 cloves of garlic

### Black Knight's Fortress

Sir Amik Varze pulls the torch away from my face, throwing a thick file down on the table. “Juliet: cadava potion overdose. Fred the Farmer: burned alive.” He takes a long drag on his cigar. “Wyson the Gardener: blunt force trauma to the skull. Count Draynor, wooden beam through the heart. You’ve been busy haven’t you, you sick fuck?”

“I know my rights. I want to talk to a lawyer,” I say. It’s going to take more than a Falador rent-a-cop to intimidate Billy Fucking Mays.

“You don’t have rights, punk.” A brick shithouse of a cop in steel plate armor socks me in the gut. It’s Sir Vyvin, whose knight’s sword has dealt a thousand atrocities.

“Careful, Vyvin, you’ll sully your armor,” says Sir Varze.

“I’ll take that chance, Amik,” he replies. The good cop bad cop routine, oldest trick in the book.

“You know what would really get the stains out of your armor, you guys…” I begin, but I’m not allowed to finish.

“Look, kid, you’re going away for a long, long time.” Sir Varze takes a seat on the table in front of me. “Unless you go on a little mission for us…”

**Black Knight’s Fortress ( Actual Review now! )**

I’ve turned informant become a superspy for the White Knights. The Black Knights have been levying a tax against the residents of Falador and the White Knights are all, ‘hey that’s our job’. So I’m on a mission to discover and destroy their new secret weapon.

I cruise over to the Black Knight’s Fortress near the Oracle’s icy mountain. It’s heavily populated with guards and black knights belonging to the secret order called the “kinshra” (hail Zamorak bro (but super seriously hail Zaros brah)). But heh, I can’t just come in there; this is a high-security military installation.

I use my pitchman charisma to lure a guard behind a nearby hedge, then I smother him with a rag dipped in cadava potion. He drops to the floor and I take his armor as a disguise. I slip in through the side door and…

I’m in. Guards shoot me strange looks as I somersault through the first room, putting my agility training to proper use. I crawl through a secret door in the wall and climb up a ladder into a room that was designed specifically for eavesdropping. I can hear a witch, a goblin with a lisp, and a black knight in the other room (you could just hear it in his voice that he was a black knight). Apparently they’re making an invincibility potion, and then they're going to go staking. And that's just too OP to be allowed. Then the Witch says to the goblin, “now Greldo, whatever you do, don’t drop a regular, that is, non-Draynor cabbage through that hole in the floor in the room above us, because that hole is situated directly above my cauldron. And that will completely sabotage our plans against the White Knights.”

I grab a good, wholesome, Saradominist cabbage from the nearby monastery and bust into the main hall at the Black Fortress. It’s full of black knights having some sort of meeting, and they spot me immediately. This ain’t my first rodeo; I draw my rune two-hander and spring into action.The last knight was dead before the first hit the ground.

The third floor is full of satan-worshipping knights who, in their opium-laced stupor, fail to notice me. I notice another odd-looking part of the wall, and push on it. A fucking secret passageway leads me into the room with the hole in the floor, when my bowels begin to churn. The lower-abdominal pain had been building since I’d first entered the fortress. I’d chalked it up to stress, but the kebab I’d had for lunch was of questionable origin and I was to pay for my mistake.

I threw the cabbage down the hole, unzipped my trousers and did what needed to be done. The mixture in the cauldron started to froth and bubble, and I heard the witch groan in dismay. I’d successfully sabotaged the secret weapon.

Sir Amik Varze says I'm alright, and calls me rookie. I guess I'm off the hook for now...

Final score: Intrigue, disguise, infiltration, and a new fortress built just for the quest. This one is completely solid.

3/5 cabbage

### Demon Slayer

I’m at the old gypsy-woman’s hut in Varrock getting my fortune read, a tradition before my weekly pedicure. We sit inside her darkened hut, and she looks into her glass ball. “I can see you,” she says, “you are holding a very impressive looking sword. I’m sure I recognize that sword.” Will this be the second time she'll have caught me masturbating in the future?

“There is a big dark shadow appearing now” - well that sounds strange - then, “AARGH…” The Gypsy lets out a piercing shriek that curls my beard. Her eyes roll back in her head, and she gets all slack-jawed. “DELRITH IS COMING,” she cries in a voice not her own. “THE DARK MAGE LABORS THAT THE WILL OF WALLY BE UNDONE.” Her mouth begins to froth. “HE WHO BEARS THE CLEANING POWER OF OXYGEN SHALL BRING FORTH THE LIGHT OF SILVER AND CAST DELRITH BACK INTO HELL.” Then suddenly, she sits upright in her chair, rubs her eyes and wipes the foam from her lips. “I’m sorry young one, where were we?”

Fuck my pedicure. I’ve got a demon to slay.

Research takes me to Sir Prysin, the worst knight in RuneScape. Dude, this guy’s outfit is slacks, a shirt and an iron helmet. He talks a big game about being a swashbuckling adventurer, but when I tell him I need the ‘light of silver’ to kill Delrith, he pusses out immediately so that I can have all the glory. There’s something of a minor snafu with getting ahold of silverlight, the sword I need to kill Delrith, but nothing to write home about. (But in summary: Sir Prysin is an idiot, Wizard Traiborn is an idiot; Captain Rovin is not an idiot).

Sir Prysin models his impenetrable armor set.

I roll up on Delrith’s spot, only to discover he’s about as weak as the Darkwizards chanting around him. Seriously, “lesser demon” doesn’t even begin to describe it. I briefly consider allowing him to grow to his legendary strength, so that it’s a real fight. But who’s got the time?

I strike Delrith down in two hits from silverlight, and chant the incantation: “klaatu barada nikto”. A vortex opens up as Delrith is sucked back into the dark dimension from whence he came.

Final score: Good use of Varrock, silly dialogue options we've come to know and expect from Jagex, fun low-lvl boss fight. One of the most classic and memorable f2p quests.

3/5 demon’s ashes

### Knight's Sword

Another “I’m an incompetent NPC, do my job for me” quest. Sir Vyvin’s Squire has lost his boss’s favorite sword, which he mainly uses to butcher innocent peasants. Since Vyvin is probably gonna do some messed up Game of Thrones-type shit to the Squire when he finds out his sword is missing, the dude is freaked. Can you blame me for intervening?

Gotta get the stuff to do the thing cause that’s how quests work. I sneak into Vyvin’s room at night using my agility training, and steal the picture of his sword from his cupboard. You read that right, he loves that sword so much that he keeps a painting of him modeling it where he sleeps.

I contract Thurgo to make the sword, though tbh I think he was willing to go down on me when I bribed him with pie. Thurgo lives on top of a quarry, prime real-estate for a dwarf, except he can’t mine it because there’s a couple ice giants five-times his size guarding the rocks. Now that's irony.

There’s a bunch of muggers having a convention down here in the mine. I press through to the pirate convention, then the hobgoblin convention, and finally the blurite rocks guarded by the ice family. The sword is made of surprisingly inexpensive items, which might mean Sir Vyvin has a really low attack level.

Thurgo perfectly clones the sword, plus the engraving “Sir Vyvin: I’m a bitch” in dwarven under the blurite slots (my suggestion - it’s the little victories that matter).

Final Score: Underwhelming Falador quest when compared to Black Knight Fortress. The mine in Thurgo’s peninsula should be more useful for after the quest is over. I did enjoy the decent smithing exp gained though. Perfectly average for f2p quests, which I am glad to be nearly done with. And no one ever wants to make redberry pie.

2.5/5 pictures of Vyvin posing with his sword

### Prince Ali Rescue

Leela rubs her hand against my chest. “Oh Billy… the Emir must never know of this.”

24 hours earlier

I’m about to catch the rowboat from Lumby to Edge when I notice how quiet it is. Usually, there’s kharidi house music blasting from the neighboring desert nation. But today, I hear no thumping bass out toward the East - no Arabian melisma echoing from the oasis, emanating like some holy call to throw a rager alllllll night habibi.

I go to check it out cause I still have a couple months before my passport expires, but two bouncers stop me at the gate and tell me “you’re not on list, effendi.” I try to pull the celebrity card but they make it seem like my commercials don’t air on their TV stations, so I bribe them 10gp and head on through.

There’s street-vendors selling kebabs, and camels who wont let me ride them, and all manner of ‘exotic’ sights around town. But when I get to the palace, things really start to look different. Big marble Roman columns and bulbous Moorish windows, and then I notice what’s lining the foyer on both sides of a giant fountain. Porsche, Porsche. Lambo, Ferrari. Mercedez-Benz. Bugatti, Bugatti, Batmobile. Plus about two dozen warriors patrolling the cars with curved swords. The Emir is rolling in that oil money, no doubt.

When I get inside the palace it’s all cool and air conditioned, and there’s a man in a big red cape with gold chains around his neck sitting in a throne. He offers me a cabbage, a bucket of water, and the lives of the warriors outside which he says are mine to kill because they’re “very cheap”\*. I consider that they might be mercenaries from the mining colony in the south, which raises some serious ethical questions, but I thank him for his hospitality nonetheless.
(he actually says this)

I comment that there’s no music playing and the royal’s face turns crestfallen. “Yes, habibi,” he says. “Today no DJ Amid or Khaliji. Any other day, you will join us for dakbe. Yesterday, party and strength boosting kebab. But not today.”

I ask why not.

“Because,” a man in black who I had not previously noticed steps out into the light. “Our Prince has been kidnapped.”

**Prince Ali rescue** **( Actual Review Now! )**
“Ah, Osman bin Laden, my advisor and spymaster,” Hassan explains.
“Prince Ali is now the prisoner of Lady Keli (a suspected Mossad agent),” Osman continues, slowly circling and sizing me up. “We believe the kidnapping is retaliation for an attack on her settlement to the West. Of course, our Emir was not involved in any way.”

Sure.

“First, you will go to the illegal settlement in the West where Prince Ali is being held, and you will tie up Keli. Second, you will disguise Ali as her. He really needs to pass for female, I want you to do a tuck-job and everything. Third, you’ll need the jail key. Fourth, you need to deal with the guard at the door without making it look suspicious.”

I ask why they trust me so quickly, since we only just met.

“Why wouldn't we trust you? You’re Billy Mays from TV commercial.”

Fuck those bouncers from earlier.

I head west and meet my contact, Leela, who’s easy to spot because she’s the only Kharidi person around. “Look, American” she says, “I could do all of this myself. I know everything we need - wool to imitate that blonde bitch’s hair, yellow die for her bleach-ass highlights, mix some redberries and ash for that pasty light skin… and I saw this in a movie, some putty or clay to make a mould for the key. Also the lead guard is an alcoholic slash sex addict, so either seduce him or get him drunk.”

I ask her why she doesn’t just do the mission herself, since she has it all figured out.

“Hassan wants to confirm your loyalty. Plus, I live in Runescape. We don’t… do stuff. I’ll just always stand here forever, and never age, and never do anything else besides lurk next to a jail. That is the life that has been set out for me."

I go next door to Ned, a retired sailor who likes to knit and make rope, and offers his services in crafting the latter. When I ask him if he can make a wig for me, he says yes but then won’t stop smiling. When he finishes, he hands me the wig free of charge and says, “I know what you’re up to. Don’t worry.” Then he lifts up a trouser leg revealing tight pink stockings, “Your secret’s safe with me.” National security on the line, I just nod and walk out. “You mark my words, Billy boy,” Ned calls out from the doorway. “You and me? We're gonna go sailin'.”

I get yellow dye and whiteface makeup from Aggie, “That will make you look good at the Varrock dance,” she says.

The dance no one ever invites her to, judging by those warts.

Lady Keli is easily to manipulate through flattery, and she practically makes a copy of the key for me bragging about how cool she is.

Then she starts going off about men in dresses. I’ve got Ned’s back, though, and take my leave. I get the key copied.

I start breaking down Joe, the head guard, using psychology. He flunked out of Knight School so now he’s hired muscle for Keli, and his only comfort is beer. I’m not sure who I feel more sorry for, him, or me because I relate to him more than anyone else.

Some real life lessons in this children's game.

I get Joe drunk and he wanders outside to chain smoke. Now’s my chance. I grab Keli from behind and hold a rag drenched in cadava potion to her mouth, taking her down nice and easy. Then I tie up her unconscious body.

The key takes me into the jail cell where Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwah is held. He’s happy to see me, until I pull out the disguise. “There’s no fucking way I’m wearing that,” he says. Sorry Prince, rules is rules. Now in perfect drag, Ali walks right out the door and makes a beeline to to Al Kharid.

I go outside where Leela is standing, beaming. She gives me a big hug and looks up into my face.

“You did it, Billy. Now where will you go?”

“Wherever you want. Come on, Leela,” I plead, "let's get out of here."

“Oh, I’d love to habib, but I can’t ever leave.” She hides her sadness behind a smile, but her chestnut eyes betray the pain within.

I take her gently by the hand. “Just this once.”

Final score: In reality sort of an underwhelming spy quest compared to black knight. As someone who was infiltrating the prison I should have been the one to wear the disguise, then smuggle him out. Not horrible but doesn’t meet the expectations set by the briefing with Osman.

2.5 out of 5 key impressions

### Lost City

I’m just minding my own business, taking a shortcut through the forest on my way to hit up Leela in Draynor, when I see smoke in the distance. I follow it until I reach a clearing in the trees, where four adventurers are camping out by a bonfire. There’s a wizard, a monk, a warrior, and a lady archer. All pacing around, looking distressed.

“Hello wizard, what are you all camped out here for?” I ask the wizard.

“We are looking for Zanaris,” he replies.

“What’s Zanaris?” I ask, excited to try a new cleaning product or party drug.

“You airhead,” the warrior snarls at the wizard. “Are you really going to tell everyone who comes by? We don’t want competition.”

“What do you mean, ‘everyone’,” drawled the monk with disdain. “He’s the first soul we’ve seen in weeks. And I thought the monastery was lonely.”

“I’ll take it from here, boys,” says the lady archer, grabbing me by the shoulder and rushing me aside.

“Billy. Listen,” she says, relaxing her grasp and letting me go. “Zanaris is the Lost City of the fairies, but we’ve been looking for it since early ’02. I want you to imagine being the only female in a group of bros, testosterone-driven bros, all trying to impress you and one-up each other. Are you imagining it?”

“Yes-“

“I want you to imagine them competing over you, trying to win your heart even though you made it clear you’re just a friend and colleague. Are you picturing that?”

“Um-“

“And I’m just a walking pair of tits to them. For fuck’s sake, I won the Varrock archery contest, do you know how fucking qualified that makes me?”

“Yes-“

With a twang of her bow, she shoots a bird out of midair without even looking up. It thuds on the grass with a pitiful squawk.

“So, ‘go questing,’ they said. ‘Go out and be an adventurer,’ they said. And I get stuck with this lot. Fourteen long, awkward years of tone-deaf sexual innuendo and condescension. Fourteen years of ‘ooh I’m cold, would you like to move your sleeping bag closer to mine?’ And ‘want to see some real magic, baby?’ And, ‘I’m a man of the cloth, you can trust me.’ I swear, sometimes it feels like I’m the only girl in RuneScape.”

“Yes, it must-“

“You think I’m not a fucking girl? You think I’m just faking for attention?”

“No, of course not-“

“Look, Billy. Find Zanaris, so help me god. Free me from my obligations here. Otherwise, I better not see you around these parts ever again. Capeesh? Now find the leprechaun in the forest, he holds the secret.”

She shoves me, then looks over at the other adventurers then back at me, feigning an air of rage. “That’s right, we’re not telling you anything! Now get lost!”

Minutes pass, then hours, when I finally see a little man scurrying from treetop to treetop. Using my quick reflexes, I grab him and wrestle him to the ground.

“Me charms, me charms, you’re after me charms, REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” he protests in a thick Irish brogue.

“I don’t want your charms, I need to find Zanaris,” I explain.

“Ay you big elephant, Old Shamus will tell ya that then. You’ll needta go deep into the Isle of Entrana, deep down in her belly. Hew from the great Dramen tree a solitary branch. Take ‘er ta the little shed in the nearby swamp, and fairy magic will take ye to Zanaris, the Lost City.”

* + -

I walk West to Port Sarim and speak with a Monk on the dock.

“So, you seek voyage to the place where the good lord, Holy Saradomin himself first set foot upon the world. Well, before you come to the Blessed Isle of Entrana, you must agree to leave all your weapons behind. Violent intentions, actions, and thoughts are not permitted. Do you swear this, Saradomin be praised?”

“I swear it.”

“Great, enjoy your new life as a monk!”

The Island is pretty boring. There’s a lot of glassblowing to be done, and there’s a kebab. There’s an old Crone lady, some chickens, some seaweed and a red fire bird running around on the beach. But no Dramen tree.

Finally, my search takes me to the entrance to a spooky dungeon.

“Oh,” says a monk, “don’t go down there. That’s, like, evil or whatever.”

I descend into the dungeon and run headfirst into a horde of zombies wielding axes. I require a hatchet to chop the tree, so I fight an undead. He doesn’t drop the axe. I fight another. The axe disappears.

I am there for minutes, hours, perhaps days. It feels like weeks. There is no time in this place, there is no aid, there is no one to hear me scream. There is no axe.

Suddenly, a breakthrough as one of the felled undead drops an iron axe upon the ground. I take it in hand, chopping my way through a team of large red demons, until I reach a grotto with a tall, unholy looking tree. I take a strong, solid swing at the base of the tree. The earth shakes, and all the torches dim. Cold mist siphons out from the tree and coalesces into a terrible specter, a massive, haunting spirit that chills me to the bone and casts the entire corridor into shadow.

The Tree Spirit takes a deep, rattling breath and then shrieks, “U CHOPP MY  TREE FAGGET ?”

I had.

“SO”, it bellows, “WAN FITE THIS 1 V1 ? R U 2 PUSAY LOL !”

I had made a promise to the High Priest not to do any fighting on his holy island. But sometimes, promises have to be broken.

“Pot up bitch.”

The Tree Spirit has no boxing expertise, and I pummel him into smithereens like Diaz vs McGregor. I take two branches as trophies, cut them into staves, and teleport back to the swamp.
The Diaz-McGregor reference was topical at the time.

* + -

There’s this little Shrek-ass outhouse in the middle of the swamp, I assume it’s the one the Leprechaun was talking about. When I go in, there’s nothing but custodial supplies. But wait, there's more! The world begins to shimmer…

…all things dematerialize and I am whisked away by the sound and fury of a storm, then everything is bubbles and shimmers like glitter, and BAM, I’m in a torch-lit underground castle, with a bunch of fairies prancing around and giggling. There’s a fairy queen, fairy shopkeepers, fairy bankers, and a couple half-men floating around with no legs offering ore and bar certifications. There’s some invisible alien guys wearing black wizard robes called “Otherworldly”, and a sweet ass marketplace that just sort of ends in a void with no walls with a foreign merchant who I scam with overpriced cabbage.
He actually does offer to buy cabbage for an overpriced amount, but since you have to pay a diamond to get in it's not worth it. My scam is busted

All and all, I can sort of see why Zanaris got lost since it doesn’t really offer anything. Well, I did get this Kylo-Ren-looking-ass red sword which is pretty cool.

When I head back to Draynor to finally visit Leela, I make a point to walk through the adventurers' camp toting my sword and other Zanaris merch, to looks of sheer awe, horror, envy, and in the case of the lady archer, relief.

Lost City: 3.5/5 red lightsabers, short and sweet, new areas, high payoff.

### Alfred Grimhand Bar Crawl Miniquest:

Hi, BILLY MAYS here with

Alfred Grimhand Bar Crawl

The beer-chugging, death-metal blasting swedish biker gang at the Barbarian Outpost won’t let me train at their totally badass obstacle course unless I prove I’m one of them. There’s no way I’m going back to weenie hut jr.’s aka gnome agility course, so I lie through the teeth about being part of their Asgarnia charter. They demand I prove my membership by surviving a bar crawl through every pub in Runescape (excluding weenie hut jr. bar aka gnome tree).

Remember, this was a game for children.

**The only rule: when my character drinks, I drink IRL.**

***Pub #1: Dead Man’s Chest - Brimhaven, Karamja Island***
I walk from Barbarian club headquarters to Port Ardougne and toss Captain Barnaby 30 coins. Barnaby takes me to downtown Karamja, which is a pretty sketchy district. Dead Man’s Chest is a pirate bar, and before I get a drink some guy starts talking some bullshit about “you think you’re better than me, two-eyes?” The situation is quickly de-escalated when I mention the Barbarians’ challenge, and everyone laughs and the bartender reaches behind the bar and serves me a glass of strange thick dark liquid. I wince and drink it, staggering backwards. My vision doubles. I immediately re-escalate the situation and fight all the drunken pirates.

Supergrog = Bourbon, bulleit, one hearty glass
(scotch would have been much better. at least I finished my bourbon.)

***Pub #2: Jolly Boar Inn - Varrock Lumberyard, Misthalin***

I tele Varrock and mosey on up to the Jolly Boar Inn. I ignore Dr. Harlow’s slurred speech and head straight over to the bar. I produce my barcrawl card.

Olde suspiciouse = Red wine, apothic red, one hearty glass
(Starting to feel drunk.)

***Pub #3: Blue Moon Inn - Downtown Varrock, Misthalin***

I tele back to Varrock square and head south to the Blue Moon Inn. Inside one man-bunned “Johnny the Beard” points to his beard and gives me a thumbs up. This bar has sort of a hipster vibe.

The mixologist at the counter says the last Barbarian bikers that came through here made a huge mess, and charges me 50gp for Uncle Humphrey’s gutrot. I chug it down and feel more drunk, but somehow invigorated (the gutrot boosts strength). I leave quickly before I can start another fight.

Uncle Humphrey’s Gutrot - Vodka, smirnoff, 2oz
(no chaser, you gotta FEEL the gutrot. oww. (bacardi 151 would be better, and ideally, everclear.)

I am now technically drunk.

looks like white wine but is actually hard liquor

***Pub #4: The Rising Sun - Falador, Asgarnia***
No one in here but a hot young barmaid and a White Knight drinking beer through the slits in his helmet. I’m talking some good game with the waitress and then she plays the “oh my boyfriend said something similar” card. I play the only card I have, the barcrawl one. “Hehe this’ll be fun,” she says, reaching behind the counter.

Can’t tell if she’s flirting or not. Maybe she’s in an open relationship, it’s the new thing. Before I figure out a polite way to ask she throws a cocktail in my hands and charges me 70gp for it (before tip! this is why I don’t go to bars especially if I already have the ingredients at home).

I stumble around all while the barmaid giggles at my predicament. I am too drunk to flirt politely. After a few unfortunate attempts at picking up on her the White Knight comes to her rescue and escorts me out.

Hand of Death Cocktail - Fireball and Apple Cider
(classic winter/autumnal mixed drink. this stuff is sitting okay…. for now.)

***Pub #5: The Rusty Anchor - Port Sarim, Asgarnia***
The walk from Falador to Port Sarim seems much longer than usual. The sun feels much brighter. Does it ever fucking set? I need sunglasses.
i kill the highwayman on the way out of spite for the times he did me wrong
so much alcohol, i think i should have made the first round less buorbon

nothing funny to say about this bar its in a video game called runescapee

i really intended the black skull ale to be a porter, but I dont have any porter in the house. so ideally black skull ale = anchor brewing co. porter

but i have an IPA and an alcoholic ginger beer that are good. since IPA is the opposite of black i’ll go with the ginger ale which i havent tried yet (small town brewery, “not your fathers gingerale”0

wow this is really good, tastes perfectly spicy and piratey and fits well with the sailor’s theme of the bar. maybe my favorite thing so far

mmm i could drink a sixpack of these like candy, only 6% alc

***Pub 36$; Forestsrs Arms. Seers’ Village> Kandarinn***

ok dammy tele takes me straight there. hello sir im getting drunk with my runescape character that’ll be 18 coins :):)

good thing u cant drive in this game

this bar has a little fireplace v. toasty on a rainy evening such as this

**LIVERBANE ALE = LAGUNITAS IPA AND A TEQUILA SHOT FUCK IT!**

liverbane was originally gonna be just teiqila but then the bartender called it an ale whtu theres bo way i culd have prepared fr, so combine beer and tequila than

ok.. i did it now just gotta wyak ibacj ti barbarians voutpost wiht the swedish biker gang listens to opeth
h

0;0;0;0:):):):))))
funanl sctore;

5/5 easily the vest qyest uve done so far, would do agian!!

):)

### Anna in a Barrel's Last Moments - Interlude

```
hEllO iReNa
I sEnT DeMand$ liSt vIa RPDT eMpLoYEe, U dId NOT sEnD tHe pHat as reQueSTed
& noW Ur tiME iS UP
weLl YoU dO nOT haVe to wAiT For ur DauGhter At sHaNTay pasS aNymoRe
I amA mAN of My wWord

```

###

### Who is King Vallance? - Interlude

Wh͚̋̎͗o̻͇̩̻͗ͬ̒ ͉̦̻̟̆ͮͤ̈ͧͯI̞̖̣͉͉̻̙s̻̝̯̬̹͓ ̪͕̟̎ͪK̥̗ͮͤ̄͑ͧ͛̂i͍̜͔͕͇͓̎ͯ̿ň͇̱͉̯̼͎̆̑̏͊̈́̓g̻̪ ̑̂V̿̑a̞ͬͨ̍ͨ͑l̻͈͕̠͍̉͌́̑͆͒l͎͉̥̣͐ͧͭͯȁ̌ͮ͋̎ͧn̜͍̫͂̋̏c̰̭̖ͫͭͧė͔̠̊
͇͚̗̯̑w̳̦͉̰͉̭ͫhͯ͛͂͊̍͊̃o͆̋ͤ̑̐ͨͥ ͉͇̯͙̥̹͐ͧi͈̟̹̘̥̝̓͐̈́ͩ̌s̲̊ͨ̈́̅̂ ͇̤̞̀̀̿̿ǩ̩͓͎ͧ͐in̄̋͐g̻͋̽̄ ̹̆v̖̘̱͚̲a͖̋͗ͣͬl͎̻̘̜̹͑ͬ̋̓̒l̳͓̱̦̺̠̐̌̑͂̏̒̑ͅa͕ͥ̂̉n̙͎̳̳̠͒̾̎̽͗ͤ̍cͤ̿̌e͈̱͉͗̚ ̦͐w̭̱̹̭̟̱ͣ̒̀͊̑̄h͓̝̟̹̘͎̓̒ͥ̒̈́̈ō̦̟̻̪͈͙̙̎ ̻̩͚͇͊i̥̲̦̗s̓ͬ̉̏ ̫͈͓̺̳͎̃̍̀͌͂̆ͨḵ̟͔̾̽̒͆ͣ̂̈́i̘͗n̒̓ͤ̇͂g̗͖̦̟͗ ̳̹ͪ͂͋̏͌ͫ͋v̀͌ã̙̺̲͎̭ͫ͆l̻͓̥͖̥̦̊ͬͩ̄l̦̞̯̪͖ͨͯ̋ͦa̘̣ͮ̿̈̿͛̑̿n̻̹̗̰͉͉͚̿̍͗̎̚c̬̪̹̲͎͙̖ḙ̞̃͐
̥̙̓̂W̱͉̖ͫ̂̀ͤ̈̌̑H͈͔̭ͨ̽O̺̦̹͊ ̪̟̬͓͈̜̃́͂ͯ͋I͈͈̘͚̖̝͈Ș̠̣̺̫̪ͩ̍̉ͦͅ ͦ̀̀̓ͭK͕̘̫̟̾̑̎̆͂͂I͍̠̹͍͕͕͔ͦ̍̀ͨN̒G͙ ̠̞͈͈̝̎̉ͮ̓̃ͬͅV̯̪̓̽A̞̠̤̪̣Ḷ̳͎̞̜̳͇ͭ̀̃͑ͩL͖̗A͕̠̣̘͇̦̘̅͆ͬ̔̚N̥̼̩̼̟̓̈C̳͎͒̃͂̓̌͑̅E͕̤͖ͤ̒ͯ͋̏ͅ
̝̮̜͓ͦ̓ͥ̉ͩw͇͙̞h̤͙͚̤̯̺̉̋̃o͙̮̭̼̞ͫͩ͛ͪ̚ ̉i̝̣̺ͅs̭̲ͭ̃̐͑ ͥ̾ͮͩͫk̜̣̳ͮͅi͚n͈̯̺̙̖̅̐ğ̞̯͔́ͧ̽ ͇̩̜ͤv̮ͫ͆ͧͅa̻̰̝̫͔͗l̗̣̖͇̭̜̊ͮl̒a̰̮͖̘̜͒̒̆̾ń͓̱̩̣͙ͬ́c̻̗̀̅ͪ́̚e͙̣̗͊ͫ̈͌͆̊̎?̰͉͑̇̈́ͩͮ̍ ͌̉̑̉̃͒̐w͚̠h͇̊ͦͫ̈́̒ͮ̄o͎͖̰̟̣̥͚͒̌̃ ͖̩̝ͣ̀ͪͨͪi̞̮̮̠ͮ́́ͯͦ͗s̝ͭ̅̏̇ ͎͔͍k͕̄ͫi͇̝̗̟͇͛̐̓n̪ͩ͛̄̀̀g̺̘̟̋̑͗ͥͧ̀̚ ͉͚̹̹͓̗͆̒ͨv̙̩̫̮̹̐̈̐̇͂̀a̟̖ͣ̔͌͐ͬl̩͗̂l̻͙̂̉ã̠̪̫̮̭̜́̓̈̋̀ͅn͉͖̪̘ͯͭ͋c̮̩̘̱̣ͭ̎̓ͅe̦̊͊͂̃̃͑̔?͖̥̼̄͗?̘͍̋ͧ̒ͥͥ͊?͎͉̭ͦͧ̑̂̽?̪̖͙͕̤̣͔ͣͣͤ̉͊

**I'm Billy, I run RSCR with n0m and Kleio!**