Transcript: I Saw Mommy Killing Santa Claus: A S.I.N.K Story

Various clips from news outlets play, overlapping each other.

News Anchor: Children haven't been getting presents, but they don't seem to care?

News Anchor 2: We are seeing the biggest recent decline in Christmas-related events, advertising, and marketing in the last 20 years...

Interviewee: Trees aren't lit up, elves aren't on shelves, not a single Mariah Carey song to be heard.

News Anchor 3: Some of the biggest Christmas events have either been canceled or reaching record lows in attendance.

Interviewee 2: I don't really even celebrate it. I just think it's goofy and tacky.

News Anchor: Is it possible that...the Christmas spirit is dying?

I SAW MOMMY KILLING SANTA CLAUS: A S.I.N.K STORY

Miles: What the hell is this?!

Satori: What the hell is what?

Miles: THIS!

Satori: Miles, you're gesturing towards nothing.

Miles was, in fact, gesturing to nothing.

Miles: Ok, maybe I should have worded it a little better. What the hell is the lack of this?

Satori: Lack of what?

Miles: CHRISTMAS SHIT! We always go all out for Christmas! We had the goddamn 30 foot tree and the magic dust and the ornaments and tinsel everywhere, what changed?

Hunter: I honestly don't know. I guess a lot of us fell out of love with Christmas. And the whole world seems to share our sentiment.

Satori: Even Europe doesn't care, and normally they're the biggest Christmas guys. Japan mostly treats it as a second Valentine's Day and an excuse to get their female celebrities to dress up in revealing Santa outfits.

Miles: And that's a bad thing how?

Satori: Miles...

Miles: My point is, I feel like I'm the only guy here who still gives a fuck. And that's not a feeling I like having!

Satori: I'll give you that.

Miles: Have we even heard from Mr. Claus lately?

Satori: Nope.

Hunter: Maybe he retired?

Satori: Don't really blame him. He's been on the job for his fair share of eons.

Miles: This is utter bullshit. I'm gonna go check something...

Hunter: Y'have a feeling that we're probably gonna have an eventful afternoon?

Satori: Well, that's kinda my job, so...

Miles runs down the hallway to T-18's office. He opens the door to see Soo-Jin welding something.

Miles: Bubbles? Woah, what is this? Looks like a theme park ride car.

Soo-Jin: It's something we're planning on testing! We call it...the Time Tumbler!

Miles: That's a great name for a theme park ride car.

Soo-Jin: Yup! So why did you want to see me?

Miles puts his hands on the shoulders of a confused and flustered Soo-Jin.

Miles: Bubbles, I need your help badly. It's something only you and I can do.

Soo-Jin: Y-Yes, of course! Whatever you need!

Miles: I want you to come with me to the North Pole.

Soo-Jin: ...huh?

Miles: I want to visit Santa.

Soo-Jin: Can't you just go to the mall or something?

Miles: Um...Bubbles, you are aware that mall Santa isn't actually Santa, right?

Soo-Jin: WHAT?!

Miles: Sigh, never mind...

He reaches over and graps Soo-Jin's arm to tap a few buttons on the PTMB, and they disappear in a flash. They reappear in a flash onto a large pile of snow.

Miles: Um..we might have-

A large snow pile flies into Miles' face. Soo-Jin giggles.

Miles: Pteh. As I was saying, we might have landed in the wrong spot...

Soo-Jin: Is that where you wanted to go?

She points at a large red building nestled within a circular hollow ice mountain.

Miles: Um...yeah, probably. Haven't been here in a while.

Soo-Jin inputs a command on the PTMB, grabs Miles' hand, and the two appear in an empty toy workshop. It is extremely desolate.

Miles: The fuck...it's so dead in here. The exact opposite of how I'd expect Christmas to be.

Soo-Jin: There's destroyed tables and toys everywhere...it's like someone-

She spots a suspiciously red pile of snow out the window.

Soo-Jin: Miles...we need to go outside-

Miles: What? Why?

Soo-Jin is frantically typing on the PTMB.

Miles: What's wrong-

She grabs him immediately and they warp outside.

Miles: Why'd you bring us-HOLY SHIT...

They stare at a wrecked sleigh, and the corpses of several reindeer.

Miles: Good lord...

Soo-Jin searches through the sleigh to salvage anything, and gives a loud and terrified gasp.

Miles: What?! What is-

Miles' pupils shrink.

Miles: No...

It was the dead body of Santa Claus.

Miles: How the fuck did this happen?!

Soo-Jin: Wait...let's go back inside. I think I can find out.

Miles picks up one of the bullets Santa was shot with and looks at it.

Miles: This does not look like any bullet material I've seen...which is a first for me.

Soo-Jin takes one look at it and her eyes shrink in horror.

Miles: ...what?

Soo-Jin: Miles...that's Demisium.

Miles: What?

Soo-Jin: Demisium, Miles! Metal so lethal it prevents all forms of resurrection the victim may have! Once someone's shot, they're done for good!

Miles, slowly pocketing the bullet: How the hell?

Soo-Jin: I don't know...it's not even supposed to be in any timeline in any world, there's a reason not even we have it...the ramifications of it somehow being here are so huge...

Miles: Well, let's go inside. We need to investigate this further. Also I can't feel my hands.

The two warp inside.

Soo-Jin: Alright...Soo-Jin lowers her Peering Goggles and adjusts them. Time quickly rewinds through her eyes.

Soo-Jin: Ok, so it's looking good so far...

Santa is climbing onto his sleigh, getting ready to leave. As his sleigh departs and the reindeer begin running, a bright light appears on the back of his sleigh. The unknown assailant emerges from the light and shoots him dead. They then shoot each of the reindeer, plant bombs on the sleigh, and teleport away.

Soo-Jin: No...

Miles: What? What happened? What did you see?

Soo-Jin: Something...someone teleported onto the sleigh and shot everyone on it! They blew it up and just...left!

Miles: Good god...there's gotta be some people left here, right?

Soo-Jin: Wait, hold on, I'm getting something else-

Miles: What is it?

The assailant teleports back into the workshop and begins slaughtering elves, no matter how young or old. Tables and toys are cracked and thrown across the room.

Soo-Jin: I...I...

Soo-Jin pulls off her Goggles. Her eyes are filled with tears.

Miles: ...Bubbles?

Soo-Jin: I...I can't watch anymore. Here.

Miles puts on the Goggles. His mouth opens with shock. He takes it off after 3 minutes.

Miles: Jesus Christ...

He notices Soo-Jin is clearly disturbed.

Miles: We..we should go home. All the evidence we need is collected, we can start investigating this more.

Soo-Jin nods, and the two warp back to the base.

Satori: So let's take this out and return the document to-

Hunter: Miles? Soo-Jin? What happened? Why are you covered...in...snow?

Satori: Miles, what have you-

Miles: Santa Claus is dead.

Hunter: WHAT?

Miles throws the Demisium bullet onto Satori's desk. She picks it up.

Satori: Shit...

She rolls onto her chair, opens her holographic computer, and begins typing like mad.

Hunter: Satori? What are you-

Satori: Mission application accepted. Miles, get your backpack, Hunter get whatever you need. We leave in 5.

She walks off.

Miles: That was fast.

Hunter: Man, I really gotta stop working holidays...now I gotta text my mom.

Satori: Good god...this place must have been ransacked.

Miles: It was. Soo-Jin saw the whole thing through her goggles. She was really torn up about it.

Hunter: Was it that bad?

Miles: Yeah...this guy was killing kids, man. Like, without mercy. Tearing them in half and shit.

Hunter takes in a deep breath. Satori spots something on her HUD.

Satori: Guys...I'm picking up a sign of life.

Miles: What?! Where?!

Satori: On one of the lower floors...

Hunter: Well, whoever decided to raid the place didn't destroy the elevator, so we're all good.

The three walk into the elevator, and to their surprise, it plummets down.

Miles: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-

Hunter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-

The elevator lands safely on the bottom floor.

Miles: WHAT? THE FUCK?!

Satori: Yeah, there probably should be a warning on this...

Hunter: Why is it so...dark?

???: I like it dark.

Hunter: FUCK!

Miles: Goddammit, where is my flashl-

Satori turns on the light switch.

Miles: Oh.

The three gaze upon a young black-haired girl on a small stool, knitting something. She is dressed in a gothic lolita-style dress.

Satori: How did you end up here? Did you lose your parents?

???: I did, actually. He just died an hour or so ago.

Hunter: No way this kid is Santa's.

???: Well, technically I'm adopted. I don't know what he saw in me, but apparently it was nice enough for him to give me a home and a last name.

Miles: Um...ok, Sailor Wednesday, you think you can tell us your name?

???: The Toymaker.

Miles: That on your birth certificate?

The Toymaker: I wish I knew.

Hunter: Are you knitting something?

The Toymaker: Yes.

Hunter: What is it?

The Toymaker: I won't know until it's done.

Hunter: I...what?

Miles: Just...phoning in the creative process, huh.

The Toymaker: Yes.

Satori: Can we ask you something?

The Toymaker: I won't know until you do.

Satori: イエス・キリスト...so do you know what happened to your father?

The Toymaker: Oh yeah. Someone killed him.

Miles: Well, duh, but do you know who?

The Toymaker: No. I was down here the entire time, making toys. Hence my moniker.

Hunter: I thought the elves made the toys?

The Toymaker: They did. But then I came along. They really just exist now. Existed, that is. Since they're all dead.

Satori: Well, whatever information you have on your father, can you give it to us?

The Toymaker: I do not think I want to.

Miles: The fuck? Why? Aren't you the least bit sad about your father's death?

The Toymaker: No. Just surprised it didn't take him sooner. Obese, stays up all night, always keeping track of every single person on the planet. Any normal man would go insane doing what he does on a daily basis.

Miles: That is...true...but that has nothing to do with it! Why won't you at the very least give us something?

The Toymaker: I am not very fond of Christmas, so I guess I do not feel like helping you save it.

Hunter: The daughter of Santa hates Christmas...now I've seen everything.

The Toymaker: What reason do I have not to hate it? It turns a once-holy religious tradition into a consumerist nightmare that allows parents to blackmail their children in a socially acceptable way.

Miles: Wow. You are horrible.

The Toymaker: Yes, but I am a young girl, so it makes me cute. That is what the people on TikTok say.

Satori: Yeah, ok, so we're just gonna leave if you can't help us.

The three walk towards the elevator. However, the elevator is quickly shut closed by several puppet strings. The team look around shocked to see the strings are protruding from The Toymaker's hand.

Hunter: Oh, goddammit-

The Toymaker: As I stated before. I do not like Christmas. And because you are trying to save it, logic dictates that I must attempt to cease your mission.

Miles: This has been a very weird day...

Satori: Look, I don't want to hurt you-

Miles: I do.

The Toymaker: That makes two of us.

Hunter: GOD, this girl is so weird...

Satori: But if you don't let us through right now, it won't be pretty.

Miles: OH SHIT!

Satori sighs. She pulls out the Impact Doubler.

Satori: Well, you wanted this.

She blasts an Impact Doubling shot at her, but a stuffed doll jumps into it. The doll is being controlled by blood-red puppet strings on The Toymaker's fingers.

Miles: So that's what you were knitting?

The Toymaker: No, it's already stuffed. I was knitting a scarf because it was cold.

She then shoots more puppet strings out of her hand to the scarf, and controls it to wrap itself around Miles' neck, attempting to hang him.

The Toymaker: Also to do that.

Hunter: Shit-

Hunter jumps up, avoiding an attack from the stuffed doll, to grab onto the scarf. He tears it off with his gauntlets.

The Toymaker: Huh. Metal fists.

She crochets a blanket and puppeteers it to tightly wrap around him. He burns it away by turning the Ignition on his gauntlets.

The Toymaker: Fire metal fists.

Miles: Are you done stating the obvious?

He pulls out two Plasmacasters and begins blasting her with them. She crochets a spider web to catch the bullets.

Miles: Wow. I mean, credit where credit is due, that takes some serious talent.

The Toymaker: Thank you. I inherited the skill from all the spiders that crawl into my mouth during my sleep.

Miles: I...don't think that's how it works.

The Toymaker: Hm. Too bad.

She throws a stuffed teddy bear in the air. It latches itself to Miles' gun.

Miles: Um, hello?

The Toymaker: Theodore, explode.

Miles: WhAT-

The teddy bear explodes, throwing Miles across the room.

Miles: AARGH!

The Toymaker: Well, it's been fun, but I think my mission to stop you has been successful. Goodbye now.

Satori: That's what you think.

The Toymaker: Oh?

She reaches out to ensnare Satori, but accidentally tangles herself up in her own web she had reaved earlier.

The Toymaker: Oh.

Satori: Kids these days...basic geometry is always lost on them.

Miles: Oh, now you decide to show up.

Satori: My eardrums must have been ruptured. Could you thank me again?

The Toymaker: I suppose I must rescind my earlier statement. You have defeated me. Thus my objective is a failure.

Hunter: Does this mean you'll help us now?

The Toymaker: I have conceded to you in battle, so I do not have a choice in the matter. If you would like more information on my father, try speaking to my great-grandfather, Sinterklaas in Belgium. He was the last person Father talked to before he died.

Miles: Man, when was the last time I've been to Belgium?

Satori: 199-never. We've had no missions there.

Miles: Oh. Well, first time for me!

The Toymaker: First and last time you'll ever hear that.

Miles, chuckling: You know, I'm starting to like you.

The Toymaker: Let's hope no one takes that out of context.

Miles: Never mind. Let's bounce.