Random Tables

## Insults for Vicious Mockery

**Roll 1d100 strikethrough once used.**

01 What smells worse than a goblin? Oh yeah, you!

02 Your mother takes up more tiles than a gelatinous cube!

03 You're going to make an excellent belt!

04 I'm glad you're tall...It means there's more of you I can despise!

05 I don't know whether to use charm person or hold monster!

06 You're the reason baby gnomes cry!

07 Ugh. What the he'll is that all over your face? Oh...its just your face!

08 You are the feces that is created when shame eats too much stupidly!

09 You're like a dragon, only shit!

10 I've seen more threatening geckos!

11 I swear, if you were any worse at this, you'd be doing our job for us!

12 On a scale of 1 - 10, you're proper screwed!

13 Your mother was a kobold and your father smelled of elderberry!

14 You would bore the legs off a village idiot!

15 It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level!

16 You're not a complete idiot...Some parts are obviously missing!

17 You're like a trained ape, only, without the training!

18 Hey, have you ever been mistaken for a (insert)

19 Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle!

20 Your mother's so ugly, folk turn to stone just incase they might happen to catch a glimpse of her face!

21 Some day you'll meet a doppelganger of yourself and be disappointed!

22 Are you always stupid, or are you making a special effort today!

23 Some day you'll go far and I hope you stay there!

24 You're lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar!

25 I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

26 So, you're a half (insert), was your mother a spider or is your ass naturally that huge!

27 Your momma's so ugly, clerics try to turn her!

28 Your magic is as bad as your breath!

29 Oh look, both your weapons are tiny!

30 A wet cat is tougher than you!

31 If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive!

32 Are you a half orc crossed with a pig? Oh yeah, there are some things a pig wouldn't do!

33 Wow, that's a fat ass. I guess those behind you are gaining cover for this fight!

34 Your Breath would put an otyugh off it's breakfast!

35 I could say you're as ugly as an ogre, but that would be an insult to ogres!

36 I would contact your mother about your death, but I don't speak goblin!

37 Your very existence is an insult to all!

38 You look like the armpit of an unshaven bog hag!

39 You are maggot pie served from a dwarf's codpiece!

40 A goblin with one hand nailed to a tree would be more of a threat than you!

41 You look like a scab on a troll's wart!

42 No loot is worth having to look at you!

43 You are the worst example of your class that I've ever come across!

44 OMG. Why don't you give me your weapon so I can hit myself with it, because that'd be more effective than you trying it!

45 I can tell your reservoir of courage is fed by the tributary running down your leg!

46 I'd insult your parents, but you probably don't know who they are!

47 Well...I have met sharper loaves of bread!

48 Even evard's black tentacles wouldn't touch something as gross as you!

49 Would you like me to remove that curse? Oh my mistake, you were just born that way!

50 There is no beholder's eye in which you are beautiful!

51 Animal friendship was the only way your parents could get puppies to play with you!

52 Your ugly face makes a good argument against raising the dead!

53 When your god put teeth in your mouth, he ruined a perfectly good asshole!

54 Whomever is willing to have sex with you, is just too lazy to jerk off!

55 If your brain exploded, it wouldn't even mess up your hair!

56 Somewhere, Your depriving a village of it's idiot!

57 I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my arse!

58 Could you go get your husband, I don't like fighting ugly women!

59 You call that an attack, I've seen dead kittens hit harder than that!

60 I heard what happened to your mother, it's not everyday your reflection kills you!

61 You look like your mother, and, your mother looks like your father!

62 You're so stupid, if an illithid tried to eat your brain, it would starve to death!

63 What's that smell? I thought breath weapons were suppose to come out of your mouth!

64 I would try to insult your father, but you were probably mistaken for a half orc, and disowned!

65 Did your mother cast a darkness spell to feed you!

66 No wonder you're hiding behind cover, I'd hide too with a face like that!

67 Do you have a pen? Well you'd better get back to it before the farmer knows you are missing!

68 Quick grab some fire...no wait, it's ok, it's not an actual troll!

69 If I were you, I'd go and get my money back for that remove curse spell!

70 OMG. And I thought troglodytes smelt bad!

71 We're you once hit by a melf's acid arrow or have you always looked like a half eaten marrow!

72 Phew! Have you just cast stinking cloud or do you always smell like that!

73 Very impressive, I think I'll hire you out for children's parties!

74 Hey, you pox ridden dung heap, I bet not even a starving vampire would go near you!

75 By looking at you, now I know what you get when you scrape out the bottom of the barrel!

76 I was going to cast detect thoughts, but I don't think I'm going to find anything up there!

77 I wish I still had that blindness spell, then I wouldn't have to endure that face anymore!

78 I was thinking of casting feeblemind, but I doubt it would work on you!

79 Tell me, did you run away from your parents, or did they run away from you!

80 What's the difference between a troll and your mother? One's a stinking ugly monster, and the other is a troll!

81 I was wondering what you are, you're fat enough to be an ogre, but I've never seen an ogre THAT ugly before!

82 Your mother was so stupid, zombies made her a dunce hat!

83 You're like a gnome on stilts, real cute, but it's not working!

84 They say every rose has its thorn, ain't that right, buttercup!

85 I'd say you were a worthy opponent, but I once fought a flumph wielding a dandelion!

86 If this fight gets any harder, I'll have to switch it up to folk music!

87 I'd draw my rapier, but I wouldn't want to make you jealous!

88 Do you know what happens to a (insert) when it fails it's save? Neither do I, but based on what happened to your comrade, my money's on 'dies horribly'!

89 How does it feel that you're not worthy of anyone casting a decent spell on you!

90 One day I'm going to make a ballad of this fight. Tell me your name, I hope it rhymes with horribly slaughtered!

91 Your mother is so fat that making a joke here would detract from the seriousness of her condition!

92 Didn't there used to be like twice as many of you guys? What's up with that, huh!

93 Stop me if you've heard this one. The sole purpose of your existence is to serve as a speedbump on others path to greatness - okay you definitely should of stopped me by now!

94 What's the difference between a dragon and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and I forget the punchline, but your mother's a whore!

95 Wait, wait, I just need to ask, what do you need us to put on your headstone!

96 I've heard of schoolgirls with better fighting skills than you!

97 By the gods your ugly, I bet your father regrets not pulling out when he had the chance!

98 You do know the pointy end is suppose to go in the other guy, right!

99 Do you know, that if you were at a party surrounded by female zombies, the only thing you'd pull is a hamstring!

100 Wait, so you're the manifestation of a divine being of supreme power and malevolence, and you chose that face? Do they even have mirrors on your plane of existence!

## Books in a library

**Roll 1d100 strikethrough once used.**

1. Famous quotes of King Regenald VI
2. Amathar’s Chronicles of the Tetrad Heresy
3. The Art of the Eladrin
4. The Autobiography of Sir Keveron Truelance
5. The Day of Fire, a Play in Five Parts
6. Distaff and Shepherd’s Crook: the Importance of Textiles
7. A History of the War-Priests of Bzondricanth
8. Last Words of the Condemned: A Collection of Confessions
9. The Medicinal Benefits of Bloodletting
10. Phaedra’s Collected Fables and Nursery Rhymes
11. A Discourse on Friendship
12. Shezifar’s Tome of Unfulfilled Prophecies
13. Essays on the Nature of Love by Lady Taralyn Sorinir
14. Reading Common Signs and Omens
15. Truth, Beauty and the Knightly Ideal
16. Weights and Measures
17. A Herald’s Guide to Pennants and Crests
18. The Tears of the Saints
19. Common Causes for Border Wars
20. Fasting and Spiritual Growth
21. The Wildlife of the Moors
22. Day of the Primordials, a Tale
23. Essentials for the Equestrian
24. A Nation at War
25. Bear’s Hollow: a Sketchbook
26. Construction of a Keep
27. Designing and Planting a Hedge Maze
28. An Overview of Dwarven Epic Poetry
29. Battle Hymns of the Celestial Tower
30. The Traveling Bestiary of Farlad the Blue
31. Principles of Finance
32. The Sad Tale of Sargon Rex
33. Encyclopedia of Common Plants
34. A Guide to Giantish Runes
35. Exploring the World of Shadow Puppetry
36. A Culinary History of the Barony of Jarik
37. Uses for the Leech in Contemporary Medicine
38. A Common-to-Dwarven Dictionary
39. The Tale of the Carpenter and the Dragon
40. Torture and Morality
41. The Care and Feeding of a Prize Falcon
42. Symptoms and Treatments for Conjuritis
43. Whispering Leaves: a Translated Anthology of Elven Poetry
44. Castle Sanitation
45. The Brewing Storm: Signs Every Tax Collector Should Know
46. The Meaning of Fealty
47. Haunted Sites of the Realm
48. Negotiating with Trade Guilds
49. The Life of Saint Ryla
50. Collected Tavern Songs
51. The Mosaics of the Monastery of the Crystal Cataract
52. Proper Administration of a Royal Granary
53. Legal Codes of the Realm
54. Common Phrases in Abyssal
55. The Burning Candle: a Romance
56. Basics of Winter Food Preservation
57. What is Evil? Collected Essays
58. Seeking the Philosopher’s Stone
59. Burial Customs of Ancient Peoples
60. Court Mannerisms and Etiquette
61. Cultivating Common Pipeweeds
62. The Fashions of the Court of Baron Uther XI
63. The Indispensable Vizier
64. The Ice Saga of Eonyl the Snow-Reaver
65. Heraldry of the Realm
66. An Introduction to Ale-Brewing
67. Barbarian Tribes of the North
68. The Mystery of the Dolmen of Ap Drych
69. Deployment of Spearmen on the Battlefield
70. The Chandler’s Craft
71. Sehanine’s Dream
72. Basics of Financial Recording
73. Lady Thanara and the Dragon
74. Principles of Governing and Lordship
75. Great Sculptors of History
76. Military Decorations of the Realm
77. The Sins of the Kingpriest: a Play in Three Parts
78. A History of the Inquisition of the Fourth Age
79. An Illustrated Guide to Gems and Jewels
80. The Administration of Low Justice
81. On the march: a Captain’s Manual
82. Pirates of the Azure Sea
83. Matters of the Hart: a Guide to Hunting
84. Tales of Valor
85. Tenets of Statesmanship
86. Interpreting Goblin Pictoglyphs
87. The Dreamsong
88. Eleven Knightly Virtues
89. Mathematics and Astronomy
90. Customs of Established religions
91. Bloodlines of the Lords of Trissel
92. Principles of Astral Navigation
93. The Elven Calendar
94. Wisdom of Our Kings
95. Basics of Husbandry
96. Conventions of Bardic Music
97. Norrin’s Treatise on Medicinal Herbs
98. A History of the Noble House of Zephron
99. The Virtues of Courtly Love
100. The Tale of Etienne and the Foxwoman