The Kids Are Not Alright

## Description

When a team of teen superheroes needs the firm's help, Harper faces their biggest challenge yet: babysitting.

## Show Notes

### CAST

in order of appearance

* Jonny Sims as the Narrator
* Mornal as Harper Hallo
* Rebecca Hanson As Lois
* [Main Cast]
* [Guest cast]

### Show Credits

Story by [data]

Script by [data]

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**TRANSCRIPT**Cold Open
Setting: Cole’s desk.

NARRATOR

It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes!

And on this day, trouble awaits, the likes of which our heroes have never seen…

HARPER

Morning, Ms. Castillo! I finished my research on the Zalta statute, and --

[Harper is drowned out by a very large crash from the conference room, followed by shouting. It quiets down and a beat passes.]

Um, is something happening in the --

[Sound of something slamming against a wall repeatedly. This time the shouting doesn’t end immediately and Harper has to speak over it.]

IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM?

COLE

[Cole waits until the noise dies down to speak]

Oh, yeah, it’s been making noise for, like, half an hour. Bonnie’s --

[Mechanical whirring noises that sound like a laser gun being fired, followed by more screaming]

-- on the verge of an aneurysm.

BONNIE

I hate my job.

HARPER

Okay, but what exactly is --

[Demon noises, Mal hissing]

-- causing all the noise?

LOIS

Mr. Aria is currently in a meeting with the Little Angels team of junior superheroes and their mentors. The mentors are being sued due to some property damage that the team caused.

HARPER

How does that --

[Sound of a buzzsaw, a cat meowing, more screaming]

Ugh! Why aren’t they interrupting you?

LOIS

I’m dampening the noise from the conference room whenever I speak.

BONNIE

[Bonnie slams her fists on her desk and launches to her feet]

YOU COULD DAMP EN THE NOISE THIS WHOLE TIME??? WHY WEREN’T YOU???

LOIS

You didn’t ask.

BONNIE

PLEASE DAMPEN THE NOISE, LOIS.

LOIS

Of course, Miss Firestein.

BONNIE

[Bonnie flops back into her chair]

I hate my job!

[Office door swings open]

MAL

[from a distance]

Young Hallo, could you join us? Well, not in this conference room, it’s no longer suitable. LOIS, find a new conference room where Mx. Hallo can join us.

LOIS

[neutral]

Of course, Mr. Aria.

HARPER

[already exhausted with whatever this is]

Of course, Mr. Aria.

Scene 1

Setting: Conference room.

[Harper enters the new conference room to find it already buzzing with energy… literally]

HARPER

[Moving as though they barely avoid something whizzing by]

Hey! I’m carrying coffee here!!!

[Harper’s call falls on deaf ears as colorfully costumed children jump around the room]

WEASEL

[Flipping across the room, maybe the sound of a grappling hook piercing the walls.]

What do I look like? Some kind of amateur?

CROW

[Putting up a shadow shield as he moves to her]

Hey! Leave me out of this!

MISDEMEANOR

[Small series of explosions from pocket bombs]

Too slow, dumbass!

MOMENTUM

[Voice Doubling Effect as he appears to split into multiple hims lunging at his teammates]

I’m just getting warmed up!

MAL

[Exhausted]

Somebody stop this.

RED CANARY

I’ve got it.

[High-pitched Sonic Scream competes with the children at first but they quickly shut up.]

MOMENTUM

Hey, that’s child abuse!

MAL

Thank you, Red Canary. Young Hallo, I assume you’ve never had the pleasure of meeting her and Black Tornado?

HARPER

I haven’t, no.

BLACK TORNADO

It is unfortunate that we are only becoming acquainted under these circumstances.

WEASEL

I told you, it’ll be nothing. The city has tried to sue Ratman plenty of times.

MAL

Mx. Hallo, these are the Little Angels, and they’re in serious trouble. The Mayor can't throw the book at them, but he intends to sue their caretakers and disband the group.

HARPER

Why would the Mayor care about a group of side…

[The teens audibly bristle]

Young heroes?

MAL

They may have ruined his chances for reelection. In one of the stupidest elections in my not-inconsiderable memory, a large portion of the Mayor’s platform was replacing the Megalopolis football field’s grass with turf. However, a local villain known as the Contender attacked the field recently. The Little Angels went to stop him.

HARPER

Oh, did the field get ruined in the fight?

WEASEL

Of course not! We’re professionals!

MOMENTUM

We played a game of Speedster Tag while we waited for the police!

HARPER

What is-

CROW

[In background]

NO!

HARPER

Speedster Tag?

[The room erupts into the noises and exclamations we heard as we entered the room - let the actors go off on this one]

MAL

[Yelling over the chaos]

Mx. Hallo, join me outside!

[The door shuts behind them. The noise is muffled but still there.]

I need you to keep the children out of the way while we work this case. We’re going to interview their mentors and guardians, and nothing will get done if they’re… cavorting about.

HARPER

But I have other cases I was already working on-

MAL

Clear your schedule, Young Hallo. If I have to watch these brats all day, I’ll show you the exact meaning of bloodsucking lawyer.

HARPER

[Harper gulps]

Yes, sir.

Scene 2

Setting: Walking down the halls, then the IKEA-like records room

[Momentum is zipping around the group as they walk]

MOMENTUM

You wasted a good opportunity to clown on that vampire guy! Blood-sucking, it was right there!

CROW

May I ask where we’re going?

HARPER

To the file room.

LOIS

Mx. Hallo, there is still time to adopt an alternative course of action.

HARPER

I can't put my whole day on hold for this. They can keep each other entertained while I work.

WEASEL

Yeah, just ignore us and we'll keep ourselves busy.

HARPER

[guilty]

I'm sorry. I know it stinks to be passed around like burdens. I promise, once I find these files I'll find some fun stuff for you to do. Weasel, right? Ratman's sidekick? What's your power?

WEASEL

Don't need one when you have superior breeding, training, and charm. Not to mention a superior arsenal.

HARPER

[Chuckling]

I don't really know the rest of you guys yet. But of course you're a speedster.

MOMENTUM

[can we pan this like he’s running around Harper and the listener?]

Yeah! The fastest boy alive. Momentum, at your service. I work with the Haste. I vibrate fast, I shoot lightning blasts, and I'm here to save the kriffin past.

HARPER

Wow, not bad for a first slogan! Alright, what about you?

CROW

I um… I have shadow powers... from my dad…. who's kind of a demon. I don’t have a mentor, I just work with the team right now.

HARPER

Well, don't worry. The team won’t go away. Mr. Aria is an amazing lawyer.

MISDEMEANOR

Great. Getting saved by a pro skrimp.

HARPER

Not really sure what a skrimp is, but lawyers aren't all bad. What was your name?

MISDEMEANOR

Misdemeanor.

HARPER

Did… did they let you pick that?

[Misdemeanor taps away on his high-tech gauntlet]

HARPER

[Modulated and maybe dubstepped]

DId… dId tHEy leT YoU piCk ThAt?

[normal again, irritated]

Ah. Another techie.

MISDEMEANOR

Back off already, Horker. Go back to ignoring us.

HARPER

[sigh]

Look, just sit tight while I do this. As soon as I'm done I can show you around the office.

CROW

Can I help? With what you’re doing?

HARPER

[Surprised]

Sure. We just have to find some files. It’ll take a bit, plenty of time to get to know each other.

CROW

There isn’t too much to know.

[Noise of Harper and Crow leafing through files, opening drawers, etc. Maybe the other kids in the background.]

HARPER

Well I know next to nothing, so let’s work up to “not much.” What do you like to do for fun?

CROW

I write poetry. It’s not very good. Neither are my powers, really, I can’t control them very well.

HARPER

That’s what everyone says when they start something. Keep at it, you’ll get the hang of both.

CROW

[A twinge of sadness]

Thanks Harper. I’ll keep trying.

HARPER

Okay, grab every folder marked Joyless Greeb from that cabinet. I’m guessing you can’t ask your dad for help with control?

CROW

My dad… wants me to be something I'm not. Being his daughter comes with… expectations.

HARPER

I… totally get it. My parents are supportive, but just being their kid is so much pressure.

CROW

That sucks, but I do wanna stress, my dad is a demon that wants to invade earth.

HARPER

SORRY, that was insensitive!

CROW

[laughs softly]

It’s okay. Thanks for trying. It’s nice just to be able to talk about it.

[As Harper continues, the sounds of Crow’s shadow powers building up build in the background]

HARPER

You know, I might be able to put you in contact with some heroes that could help you out. I used to do sidekick training before I figured out what I wanted to do.

CROW

[Weakly]

Harp-

HARPER

I’m sure there’s a hero out there that can teach-

CROW

HARPER, RUN!

[A shockwave of shadow initiating from Crow spreads outwards and overtakes the room. Sounds of lightbulbs shattering and file cabinets being bowled over. If you listen closely you can hear a super speed, grappling hook and technological sound effect happening in the chaos. Harper's panting, a shrill monster cry, then silence. Emergency lights come on]

HARPER

CROW! Are you okay?

[Harper runs over, helps Crow up]

CROW

[Shuddering]

I’m… I’m okay. Oh no! I made such a mess AGAIN!

HARPER

Hey, beating yourself up isn't gonna help. Let's find the others.

[The pair run over to where the others were]

They’re gone! WEASEL?! MOMENTUM! MISDEMEANOR?

CROW

[burps softly]

OH NO. Did I eat them? Do humans taste like chili dogs?!

HARPER

[Quietly panicking but trying to be reassuring]

Calm down. You just came from lunch. LOIS, what happened to the kids?

LOIS

They were in a large space filled with things to hide in or behind, so they began to play hide and seek the moment you were out of view.

HARPER

Did they make it out okay?!

LOIS

Yes, they are currently located–

[Electrical spark]

HARPER

LOIS?

LOIS

[translation: “rebooting”]

The vibes succeed in giving, mid.

HARPER

What?! What does that mean?! What’s going on?!!!!

LOIS

[Teen Speak for “The Kids are loose in the building”]

Caught in the third dimension, oooof.

HARPER

What???

Scene 3

Setting: Bonnie and Cole’s desk, then a conference room.

[Harper and Crow sprint up to Bonnie and Cole’s desks]

HARPER

MS. FIRESTEIN! MS. CASTILLO! I LOST THE KIDS! THEY’RE LOOSE IN THE BUILDING!

BONNIE

The Little Angels kids? I see one of them here.

HARPER

[speech speeds up as it goes on]

Yes, Crow is still here because she is a good kid. But the others are NOT good kids and I took them all to the filing room so I could get some files and they started playing hide and seek and then…well, there was a distraction, and they’re gone, and I don’t know WHAT’S going on with LOIS and --

BONNIE

Harper, breathe!

HARPER

[a few deep breaths, they calm themself]

They’re running around in the building somewhere with no supervision! What do I do?

BONNIE

Okay, okay, it’s gonna be fine. Um, you – Crow, right? Any idea where your friends went?

CROW

No, sorry. They’re not really my friends. They don’t like me very much.

BONNIE

Okay, well… LOIS, could you please tell us where the sidekicks are?

LOIS

[translation: wherever the sidekicks are]

Fairy emoji, you look tres today! No mediation needed, slug face.

BONNIE

… what?

HARPER

[miserably]

I think one of the kids hacked her. She’s talking like a teen.

BONNIE

This is how teens talk?

LOIS

[translation: “I guess so”]

Legiti-mer-lily.

COLE

So LOIS is out. Okay, um – oh! I just saw some members of the Guardians come up and join Mal and the others in the conference room.

HARPER

Oh my god. They’re gonna be so mad!

COLE

They don’t have to know! But they’ll be a great source of information. Who knows a kid better than their superhero mentor? We can grill them, really subtly!

BONNIE

Wait, wait, wait. That’s not a good idea.

COLE

[wheedling]

Yes it is! Especially if you help us out. You’re the best at sneaking answers out of people. I still think about the time you got that Mayer Corp exec to admit to modifying employees’ timecards -- I dream about it. I was swooning.

BONNIE

[flustered]

… I mean, I guess we could give it a try.

COLE

Best work wife! Alright, come on, let’s go!

[Cole and Bonnie take off. Harper and Crow follow behind.]

CROW

Um, what just happened?

HARPER

You’ll understand when you’re older.

[The gang arrives at the conference room. Bonnie tries the door, but it’s locked.]

BONNIE

LOIS, open the door?

LOIS

[translation: “there’s a meeting in progress, I can’t”]

It doesn’t slay. You’re iced, because that comment is sending me.

BONNIE

Uh… kid, you’re a teen, can you translate?

CROW

Not really. I’m not allowed on the internet. It makes the demon in my brain too excited.

HARPER

Can you ask Mal to open the door, LOIS?

COLE

No! Do not expose Mal to new age slang. It will kill him.

LOIS

[translation: “Deborah the secretary can give you authorization if you talk to her”]

Deborah, maybe if you stopped goofy mode you wouldn’t want to rap battle.

HARPER

Deborah’s a… what?

LOIS

[translation: “goddammit”]

Negative 4K slide!

BONNIE

Oh, for goodness’ sake.

[Bonnie knocks on the door. A beat passes and then it opens.]

MAL

Ms. Firestein? Ms. Castillo? Mx. Hallo? What are you doing here? Where are… most of the kids?

HARPER / BONNIE / COLE

They’re getting some files for me! / They’re in the bathroom. / They all had seizures.

HARPER

Uh… I left some files in the bathroom! With a woman who was… having a seizure.

MAL

[Mal takes a moment to consider whether this is worth the time it would take to deal with whatever this is.]

All right. Do you all need something?

BONNIE

We thought it would be good for Harper to sit in on your interviews! Learn the statement taking process and all that. Excuse me, we’re just gonna…

[Bonnie, Cole, and Harper push their way into the room, Crow following behind and apologizing]

MAL

No, don’t — and you’re in already. Well! It appears some of my associates will be joining us. Apologies for the confusion, heroes.

THE HASTE

Oh, that’s fine. Hey, newcomers!

RATMAN

[all Ratman lines have a Batman voice unless stated otherwise]

Enough small talk. Let’s make this quick, I have a city to save.

COLE

[under her breath]

Okay, bitch.

MAL

We have no intention of taking up more of your time – or ours – than necessary, Mr. Ratman. You four, sit down and don’t interrupt.

[shuffling noises as the gang sits, which Mal speaks over]

Now, I am just going to ask you some basic questions about your charges. Mx. Hallo, since you’re here, you might as well take notes.

HARPER

Oh, yes sir.

MAL

You are not required to answer any questions, especially those that may compromise your or their secret identities, but our Secret Identity Maintenance and Protection department is the best, and anything you do share is protected by attorney-client privilege. We’ll start out basic. How did you meet your respective sidekicks? Mr. Golden Cockroach, we’ll start with you.

GOLDEN COCKROACH

It’s actually a really funny story! You all know my Golden Cockroach, right?

MAL

The piece of sentient alien tech that bonded itself to your spine, capable of turning into a super suit of incredible power at will?

GOLDEN COCKROACH

Yeah! Well, Misdemeanor stole it.

MAL

Misdemeanor stole it? The thing melded to your spine?

GOLDEN COCKROACH

Yeah! Hurt real bad. He gave it back after I caught him, though, and he’d actually made some progress trying to hack it. Plus it really liked him. So I thought man, what better way to get this kid on the straight and narrow than giving him a job?

MAL

Right. And would you say that’s going well?

GOLDEN COCKROACH

No I would not.

MAL

Wonderful. Mx. Hallo, please do not write any of that down. Mr. The Haste, how about you?

THE HASTE

Uh, well, Momentum is my… great great great grandnephew? I think? There might be a couple “removed”s in there or something. He time-traveled here from some apocalyptic future so we could stop the world from going sideways, which I’m pretty sure we did. 80% sure. But the time machine was only one-use, so he couldn’t go back to his time, so I was like, hey, free speedster!

MAL

Hm. A Good Samaritan. We can use that. Mr. Ratman?

[Beat. Mal sighs and speaks with irritation.]

Again, you do not have to tell us anything, but if you want us to work this case…

RATMAN

[with clear reluctance]

Weasel’s my son. So. We met at home.

MAL

Wonderful. Alright, moving on —

BONNIE

Sorry, if I could just interrupt.

MAL

The thing I specifically asked you not to do?

BONNIE

Well, the key question in this case is whether Black Tornado and Red Canary were right to leave the sidekicks unsupervised. So, uh, let’s cut to the chase! As the people who know them best, what do your sidekicks usually do when they’re unsupervised?

COLE / HARPER

Wow, incisive question. / Great question, Ms. Firestein!

MAL

[sigh]

Yes, go ahead, I suppose.

RATMAN

Obviously Weasel can be safely left alone. He is a professional; his training was overseen by me personally. And by his mother. But, uh, I think I’ve undone most of the assassin training.

MAL

Pardon, the what?

GOLDEN COCKROACH

Misdemeanor’s the misbehaving type, the little scamp. Usually when I leave him alone he goes off and does, well, some minor crime.

COLE

How about we give you some, uh, example situations? Maybe that’ll help you get more specific. For example, what would happen if the kids were, um, say, alone in a forest overnight?

RATMAN

Weasel would build a fire and try to acquire rations.

THE HASTE

Um, Momentum would probably, like, see if he could build up enough speed to jump from treetop to treetop? Something dumb like that.

GOLDEN COCKROACH

… arson?

BONNIE

Great, and one more completely random, just off the top of my head example, how about more of an office-type setting? Like, say, for instance, this law firm?

MAL

[suspicious]

Ms. Firestein…

THE HASTE

Again, Momentum would want to vent energy, probably by running on whatever seems most fun to run on.

GOLDEN COCKROACH

Yeah, again, Misdemeanor would go… well, wherever he could do misdemeanors. Or felonies.

RATMAN

I think Weasel would find your Secret Identity Maintenance and Protection department particularly interesting. He knows the importance of knowing your enemies – and your allies.

BONNIE

Wonderful! Harper, you got all that?

MAL

Wait, no, we don’t want any of that in writing.

HARPER

I’ve got it!

[getting to their feet, suddenly loud]

Oh, Bonnie, Cole, I’ve just remembered! We have to get to that other meeting!

COLE

Yeah, we’d better get going! Bye everyone!

[Door closes behind them as all of them leave. A beat.]

MAL

[under his breath]

Oh, bugger.

Scene 4

Setting: Outside the conference room, then in the halls of the office, then in SIMP

HARPER

Okay, so we can start with –

[Mal closes the door behind him]

MAL

So, you've lost the children?

HARPER

[Feigning innocence]

WHAT?! NOOOOOO

MAL

Oh, don’t even try it. You think I’ve never lost a gaggle of orphans before? You’re lucky none of the Guardians picked up on it.

HARPER

Mr. Aria, we have to find them. Can you stall?

MAL

Already done. I have them filling out confidentiality forms. Ratman won’t let a single person sign until he’s read every word. It should give us 30 minutes, so we’d better move. You’ll need me to get into SIMP.

[Mal takes the group to SIMP. Which seems to be a cold metallic room with a door at the end. ]

MAL

Crow, wait out here.

[The rest enter. We reach the first door and there’s sounds of an eye and hand scanner. Safe Noises, Various locks, Foley of a secret handshake being done with a robot arm.]

MAL

[To finish off the handshake]

Shablagoo. Okay, Take these. Don't look anybody in the eyes and let me do the talking.

BONNIE

Are these Bowler hats?

[The mood changes instantly from the cold metal walk in. Warm jazz music fills the air and a speakeasy feel takes over the scene. Light chatter can be heard in the background].

Huh, everybody is wearing them.

MAL

[Maybe affecting an old timey 20s accent]

Any of you seen a child sneak his way in here?

SIMP AGENT 2

Nope, we’d all have noticed that lickety split.

MAL

Good, he’s not here yet. A small boy is planning to break in here and get a look at your files.

SIMP AGENT 2

No beef on the grill. IF he managed to get in here, there’s no physical info he could crab. Just info stored up here in the old noggins. If he wants the juice, he’s gotta know how to squeeze.

MAL

Then we’ll just have to be on the lookout for anything strange.

WEASEL

[In the distance, tantrum like, deepening his voice but maybe cracking back in frustration]

That son of a bitch just popped out of a portal one day. Jesus, man, crunch the numbers... He has the power to wipe out the human race, and if we believe there's even a one percent chance that he is our enemy, we have to take it as an absolute certainty... and we have to destroy him.

AGENT AGENT

How often do you practice that speech in the mirror?

WEASEL

[Getting closer to tantrum like, deepening his voice but maybe cracking back in frustration]

I am asking you for the last time. Who can give me the identity of the Duper-boy?

BONNIE

Hey, is that an extremely short 50 year old throwing a temper tantrum about a tween superhero?

[MAL walks up behind him and rips off the mask while he’s continuing on his tantrum]

WEASEL

Hey! My mask!

MAL

We’re done here.

WEASEL

We are not finished until I have acquired the Duper-Boy’s identity!

COLE

Look, kid, I get it, but you can “research” your crush when you aren’t our responsibility.

[Weasel bluescreens. He stutters constantly as he tries to throw out other explanations]

WEASEL

CRUSH? Pre-pre-preposterous. He’s a threat! No! A menace! I simply need his location and identity to…

[Let the actor go off here in the background as they drag the sputtering WEASEL out of simp, through the vault room.]

HARPER

Alright! Now we just have to find —

[Play the locking sounds quickly behind them and into the hall just in time to see a whizzing speedster go by.]

— Momentum. Oh no, he could be anywhere in the building in seconds! How are we gonna catch him?

BONNIE

Have you never had to corral a speedster before?

COLE

Have you?

BONNIE

Circus.

HARPER / COLE

WHAT? / Oh.

BONNIE

[All of these names could be backers]

This will be easy. Get me Esteban from Marketing, Cassandra from HR, and Laurent from R&D.

COLE

[whispers]

God, I love when she gets like this.

BONNIE

LOIS, when I give the signal, announce that there’s funnel cake outside of SIMP. Nobody else will get it thanks to the teen speak. And you Weasel, You have the most important job.

[smash cut to the plan, musical trill probably]

WEASEL

You are aware I'm only helping so I can gloat when you fail.

BONNIE

Yep. And in the chaos, you’ll slip away and get the identity of that boy you want to “bully.”

COLE

Here he comes!

WEASEL

He’s going to avoid the webbing traps, no problem.

BONNIE

That’s the point.

[Momentum zips down the halls, and upon reaching the first wire snare, jumps it and continues zooming]

MOMENTUM

It’s a trap? I love traps!!!

[Momentum runs, jumps, slides, and flips through the crisscrossing wires at super speed]

And the crowd goes wild!!!!

BONNIE

That’s your cue.

[Weasel steps out of the shadows]

WEASEL

Nice moves, but a weak finish if you ask me.

MOMENTUM

WHAT? WEAK?! What should I do to cap it off, oh genius acrobat?

WEASEL

Once you’re out of the trap, you should drift around the corner and down that hallway.

MOMENTUM

FINE!

[Momentum takes it from the top and adds in the drift]

[Sliding still]

OH, cool, what's your energy doing?

[Goo sound effect as momentum is trapped in a wall of jello like slime]

BONNIE

See? Easy.

WEASEL

… that was MAYBE a little impressive.

[The group exits the shadows and goes to look down the hall. They find Momentum floating in seemingly nothing until Cassandra drops the illusion.]

[They pull out Momentum and he coughs while Laurent transforms from blob back to human.]

HARPER

Alright! Two down, one to go, and…. 15 minutes to spare? We’re making good time.

MOMENTUM

You zixxed me?

WEASEL

I didn’t expect you to fall for it, moron.

MOMENTUM

Well… scramble?

HARPER

NONONO!!!

[Harper grabs them both by the arms as Bonnie and Cole light up their powers ]

Look, you must be under a ton of pressure. When I was training to be a sidekick, all I could think about was how I couldn't let my family down. It’s a lot to put on kids your age, and I know the urge to act out and blow off some steam must be enticing. But you represent some of the world’s greatest heroes. If you straighten up, the world will admire you just like them one day! So please, just stay with us and behave?

[beat]

WEASEL

Scramble.

[more fuss as everyone grabs the kids again]

COLE

Alright, I've got this. You, speedy. You have undiagnosed ADHD. See a doctor and take my Fidgoctogon.

MOMENTUM

Yesss, I love these things!

[Rapid clicking noises]

COLE

You, little businessman, how do you wanna make 30 dollars?

WEASEL

COLE

WEASEL

Deal.

COLE

Thank you! See, kids are easy.

BONNIE

Says the woman who just lost 50 bucks.

COLE

Now boys, where is Misdemeanor?

MOMENTUM and WEASEL

Breaking into the Smith’s office.

Scene 5

Setting: Outside (then inside) Mr. Smith’s office.

HARPER

Oh, wow, I’ve never been in this hallway before.

MAL

And pray you won’t ever have to be here again. Alright, children. Which office is your fellow in? We’ve got four to choose from.

MOMENTUM

I don’t think he knew there were four Smiths. At least he didn’t say which one he was going to.

LOIS

[translation: teen speech for which office Misdemeanor is in]

He’s not a leading man, leaving lots of crumbs, I’d say off the blueprint!

[all groan]

BONNIE

LOIS, nobody knows what you’re saying.

MOMENTUM

What? I know what she’s saying.

WEASEL

Yeah, he’s in the office on the left.

HARPER

Oh my god, right! We have actual teens now! Oh, sorry, Crow.

CROW

No, I get it.

MAL

The one on the left is… Mr. Schmidt’s office. Misdemeanor’s in the office right now?

LOIS

That bet’s lacking in flavor. About five yikes from the opposite of Lil Nas’ Pole.

MOMENTUM

He’s in the vents. He’ll be in in five minutes.

COLE

Okay, we have five minutes! Mal, why don’t you turn into a bat and go into the vents?

MAL

For the millionth time, I have mosquito powers, not vampire powers.

COLE

You can’t go out in the sun!

MAL

Mosquitos are most active after dusk!

BONNIE

Alright, alright. You, you’re a ninja —

WEASEL

I’m not a ninja, I’m a covert-trained — (assassin)

BONNIE

So do you think you can go into the vents and get Misdemeanor out?

WEASEL

Um, obviously. But it’s going to make some noise.

MAL

Not to worry. Ms. Firestein and I will run interference.

BONNIE

Run interference?

MAL

[gravely]

We are going to speak to Mr. Schmidt.

COLE

[air of someone, like, trying to convince a supervillain to kill them instead of their wife of fifty years]

No! No, please, I’ll go instead!

BONNIE

[equal intensity]

Cole, I can’t let you do that. You would be so bad at it.

MAL

Yes, I’m going to veto that, Ms. Castillo.

COLE

[Still dead serious. She’s holding Bonnie’s hands and looking deeply into her eyes.]

Alright. Just don’t you lose your job, Bonnie Firestein. Don’t you leave me here alone.

BONNIE

[still matching intensity]

I would never. I swear. I’ll come back to you.

CROW

…what?

HARPER

Again, you’ll understand when you’re older.

MAL

If you two are done. The rest of you will stay out here and listen. If anything is about to go wrong… stop it from going wrong. When he’s out, Ms. Castillo can interrupt and rescue her lady.

COLE

My lady?

MAL

Alright, break!

[Weasel disappears into the vent. Mal knocks on Mr. Schmidt’s door, Bonnie behind him.]

Sir? It’s Malcolm Aria and Bonnie Firestein.

[muffled footsteps, Mr. Schmidt gets up and opens the door]

MR. SCHMIDT

Malcom, Bonnie, come in.

MAL

Good morning, sir. I, hm, would actually prefer it if we spoke out here.

MR. SCHMIDT

Why is that?

MAL

Um…

BONNIE

I can’t sit! I have. Hemorrhoids.

COLE

[whispering]

Oh my god.

MR. SCHMIDT

Pardon me?

MAL

Um, yes. Ms. Firestein and I are here to talk to you about a very important issue, and, yes, she does have hemorrhoids, so, er, out of respect for her, we should not sit.

LOIS

[Maybe also whispering? Is there some way to convey that she’s just talking to Harper, Cole, and the kids via sound? The Mr. Schmidt convo can also continue in the background, quieter.]

They’re catching hands, someone’s about to get dragged.

MOMENTUM

[whispering]

She says that Weasel’s made contact with Misdemeanor!

COLE

[whispering]

Let’s hope he works quick, they’re fucking floundering.

MR. SCHMIDT

You sat when we all ate pizza during the associates’ Charles Entertainment Cheese trip.

BONNIE

Well, I didn’t always have hemorrhoids. It’s a… recent development.

MR. SCHMIDT

I see. Do you want somebody to take the chairs out of your office? Is that why you’re up here?

[explosion from the vents]

What was that?

BONNIE

Me, sorry! The hemorrhoids make me gassy!

[creak of metal about to break]

MR. SCHMIDT

That didn’t sound like –

MAL

Mr. Schmidt, I have some very important case information to share with you!

LOIS

[whispered, or whatever we’re doing with her]

The vibes are on the second scale! Side characters, evacuate!

MOMENTUM

[whisper-shouted]

The vent’s giving way!

COLE

[whisper-shouted]

Shit!

MAL

A huge case, with the potential to bring in incalculable publicity for the firm.

MR. SCHMIDT

Who’s the client?

HARPER

Ooh, Crow! Use your powers! Catch them!

CROW

Oh!

[Sound effect journey – the vent bursts, but Crow uses her cool darkness telekinesis to catch Weasel and Misdemeanor and bring them outside to where she and the others are.]

MR. SCHMIDT

What the –

MAL

[basically shouting]

Are you familiar with Universe Bunny, the reality hopping hero?

MR. SCHMIDT

I… yes, naturally, but did you hear –

MAL

He is the one who gave Miss Firestein hemorrhoids!

BONNIE

[pained]

Yep! He accidentally warped reality so that I have hemorrhoids now!

[With the others, Weasel and Misdemeanor are still tussling, and we get a few moments of them yelling.]

MISDEMEANOR

[kinda whispering]

Dude, what the hell! I was gonna email The Guardians and tell them bofa is suing them!

HARPER

[whispering]

What’s bofa?

MISDEMEANOR

[yelling]

BOFA DEEZ –

[Someone slaps a hand over Misdemeanor’s mouth]

COLE

Okay, are we good? Can I go get Bonnie?

HARPER

Yes – wait, no! The office is still a mess! He’ll know someone was in there!

MOMENTUM

[whispering]

Oh, don’t worry! I can take care of that!

[whooshing sound as he runs off to clean the office]

MR. SCHMIDT

Was that wind? We are inside!

MAL

Universe Bunny also left her with a new set of wind powers.

MR. SCHMIDT

She got wind powers and hemorrhoids?

[another woosh as Momentum returns to the others]

MOMENTUM

[whispering]

All clear!

COLE

Mal, Bonnie, LOIS told me to get you, you’re urgently needed downstairs!

LOIS

I’d say, on exclamation point.

[beat]

MR. SCHMIDT

What – (did she)

MAL

WELL, IT SEEMS WE HAVE TO GO!

BONNIE

YEP, URGENT BUSINESS! BYE, MR. SCHMIDT!

[everybody runs away as fast as humanly possible]

Scene 6

Setting: Back at the conference room

MISDEMEANOR

How are you this strong? You’re like, eighty!

MAL

I am physically 46 and chronologically over 600, so I’m not quite sure which direction I should be insulted in.

BONNIE

You know, Cole, I’m not trying to run away. You don’t have to hold onto my arm.

COLE

Shhhh. I can’t believe hemorrhoids was the best you could come up with.

BONNIE

Hey, improv is hard.

COLE

I’m never letting you out of my sight again.

BONNIE

I wasn’t out of your sight; you were watching the whole time.

CROW

Okay, seriously, what’s happening there?

WEASEL

Obviously they’re sleeping together!

[indignant noises from Cole, “Ohhhhhh” from Crow]

HARPER

Weasel! I’m so sorry, you two, I don’t know how you feel about clients knowing you’re dating —

[louder indignant noises from Bonnie and Cole]

BONNIE

We’re not dating!

HARPER

What?

COLE

We’re just friends!

HARPER

But you live together?

BONNIE

We’re roommates!

HARPER

You call each other babe all the time? You collectively refer to your cat as your daughter?

BONNIE

Babe can be platonic, and — wait, why am I arguing with you about this? This isn’t an argument, we’re just not dating.

COLE

What she said!

HARPER

O-okay. Sorry for the assumptions.

[Bonnie and Cole grumble, walking away. Harper mutters under their breath to Crow.]

Okay, maybe you won’t understand when you’re older.

CROW

Well, at least I’m not the only one who’s confused.

[door opening noises, the heroes emerge from the conference room]

THE HASTE

Finished those forms, Mr. Aria!

MOMENTUM

Uncle Haste!

THE HASTE

Hey, kid. Hope you didn’t have too boring a day.

MOMENTUM

No, it was great! I ran around on a lot of stairs, and I learned some new things about myself. Cole says you should take me to a doctor.

GOLDEN COCKROACH

Hello there, Misdemeanor!

MISDEMEANOR

Fuck off cuckroach!

GOLDEN COCKROACH

Now, Misdemeanor, what did we say about that kind of language?

MISDEMEANOR

We said eat my ass!

GOLDEN COCKROACH

Oh, you rascal.

RATMAN

Weasel.

WEASEL

Ratman.

BONNIE

Wow, they’re… wow.

COLE

Right? I’ve never seen two people try so hard not to hug each other.

BLACK TORNADO

I hope they weren’t too much trouble for you, Mx. Hallo.

HARPER

Oh, of course not! They were absolute angels!

RED CANARY

[doubtful]

Really?

BLACK TORNADO

Any issues with Crow’s powers?

CROW

I –

HARPER

No! Not one. Crow was wonderful, I can say that with absolute honesty.

BLACK TORNADO

Excellent. Well, children, say your goodbyes, then.

CROW

You didn’t have to do that, Mx. Harper.

HARPER

Of course I did! It’s true.

CROW

Um, no, it’s not? I destroyed the file room, remember?

HARPER

Okay, yes, but you were wonderful anyway. I know what family issues and superpower issues are like, and it sucks, but none of it changes how great you are.

CROW

… thank you, Mx. Harper. Can I give you a hug?

HARPER

[delighted]

Of course! Who are we, Ratman and Weasel? Come here!

THE HASTE

Um, ma’am, real quick – what was that about a doctor?

COLE

Oh! Yeah, I think your sidekick has a little bit of ADHD going on. Might be worth checking out.

THE HASTE

Huh. That does make sense. Did you have any sort of diagnosis like that in the future, kid?

MOMENTUM

Well, society had collapsed, so no.

THE HASTE

Right, right. Yeah, I think we’ll get that checked out.

COLE

I can send you some name recommendations, if you want. Kid, when you grow up, you’re gonna learn that the more energy you have, the better off you are. You just need to learn to control it.

MOMENTUM

Thanks, Cole! And hey, if you ever want a joyride around the city, just ask!

COLE

Seriously? Fuck yeah, I’ll take you up on that!

WEASEL

Um, Miss Firestein, I’ll be going now.

BONNIE

Okay?

WEASEL

[with obvious reluctance]

… that organizing you did to catch Momentum was awesome. I haven’t seen anyone be that cool since the last time I saw my mom.

RATMAN

[still a Batman voice, but indignant]

I’m right here!

BONNIE

[a little touched]

Thanks, Weasel. You know, you’re not so bad. I think if you tried a little harder to be nice to people, you’d even be pretty fun to hang out with.

WEASEL

I’ll work on it.

MISDEMEANOR

[beat]

The fuck you looking at west nile? You gonna say anything to me, old man?

MAL

You’re a sociopath. I will be prosecuting you someday.

MISDEMEANOR

Okay, wow.

MAL

No, listen. I need you to understand me. That is not conjecture, that is a promise.

MISDEMEANOR

[a little scared]

Golden Cockroach, we should go. And pick up a swatter.

GOLDEN COCKROACH

Oh, right! Well, thank you all for all your help today!

[assorted overlapping goodbyes from the heroes and sidekicks, fading out as they all leave the building]

BONNIE

[exhausted]

Oh my god, that was so stupid.

COLE

Are you kidding? This is the best day of work I’ve had in nine years!

HARPER

[dejected]

I’m sorry. This one is on me.

[brightening]

I do feel like I learned something today, though.

BONNIE

Bullshit. There is no possible way you could’ve gotten something from this. This was so dumb!

COLE

Harper, I’m begging you not to ruin my fun by growing as a person.

HARPER

It’s really only useful to me. When I quit sidekick classes, I felt bad all those other kids were going on to be these awesome paragons of justice. So it’s nice to see they’re just normal kids.

MAL

Well, most of them are, “just normal kids.” That one boy is a sociopath.

[murmurs of assent]

LOIS

Poggers!

[Cole bursts out panic laughing]

BONNIE /HARPER

Oh, god. / Oh, no!

MAL

I knew we were forgetting something.

NARRATOR

Forgetting something indeed! We can only hope that LOIS isn’t permanently stuck speaking like the youths!

We'll see you again soon listener; for wherever there are lawyers being super, there are supers needing lawyers. Join us next time for another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis, here on Super Suits!