The Koo-Koo Cabaña/Transcript

**NT. JUNGLE - AFTERNOON**

Loving police officer ZOE SYLVIA TRENT is arguing with Optimistic police officer RUSSELL PRICKLY FERGUSON. SYLVIA tries to hug PRICKLY but he shakes her off.

Zoe
Please Russell, don't leave me.

Russell
I'm sorry Sylvia, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

Zoe
I am such a person!

Russell frowns.

Russell
I'm sorry, Zoe. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

Russell leaves.

Zoe sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, helpful PEACHIE FLUFFTON barges in looking flustered.

Zoe
Goodness, Peachie! Is everything okay?

Peachie
I'm afraid not.

Zoe
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

Peachie
It's ... a tiger ... I saw an evil tiger Enslave a bunch of elderly ladies!

Zoe
*Defenseless* elderly ladies?

Peachie
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!

Zoe
Bloomin' heck, Peachie! We've got to do something.

Peachie
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

Zoe
You can start by telling me where this happened.

Peachie
I was...

Peachie fans herself and begins to wheeze.

Zoe
Focus Peachie, focus! Where did it happen?

Peachie
Miami Beach! That's right - Miami Beach!

Zoe springs up and begins to run.

**EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS**

Zoe rushes along the street, followed by Peachie. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

**EXT. MIAMI BEACH - SHORTLY AFTER**

CLAWSON FOSSIS a deranged tiger terrorizes two elderly lemur ladies.

Zoe, closely followed by Peachie, rushes towards CLAWSON, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

Peachie
What is is? What's the matter?

Zoe
That's not just any old tiger, that's Clawson Fossis!

Peachie
Who's Clawson Fossis?

Zoe
Who's Clawson Fossis? *Who's Clawson Fossis?* Only the most deranged tiger in the universe!

Peachie
Blinkin' knickers, Zoe! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most deranged tiger in the universe!

Zoe
You can say that again.

Peachie
Blinkin' knickers, Sylvia! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most deranged tiger in the universe!

Zoe
I'm going to need paperweights, lots of paperweights.

Clawson turns and sees Zoe and Peachie. She grins an evil grin.

CLAWSON
Zoe Sylvia Trent, we meet again.

Peachie
You've met?

Zoe
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

**EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME**

A young Zoe is sitting in a park listening to some reggae music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees CLAWSON. She takes off her headphones.

CLAWSON
Would you like some Apples?

Zoe's eyes light up, but then he studies CLAWSON more closely, and looks uneasy.

Zoe
I don't know, you look kind of deranged.

CLAWSON
Me? No. I'm not deranged. I'm the least deranged tiger in the world.

Zoe
Well, okay

She takes an apple but Clawson scratches for her.
**EXT. MIAMI BEACH - PRESENT DAY**

CLAWSON
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

Peachie
(To Zoe) You ran away?

SYLVIA
(To Peachie) What was I supposed to do?

Zoe turns to CLAWSON.

Zoe
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

Zoe runs away.
She turns back and shouts.

Zoe
I mean, I *am* running away, but I'll be back - *with paperweights*.

CLAWSON
I'm not scared of you.

Zoe
You should be.

**INT. RIVER - LATER THAT DAY**
Zoe and Peachie walk back and fourth around searching for something.

Zoe
I feel sure I left my paperweights somewhere around here.

Peachie
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly paperweights.

Zoe
You don't know everything about me, Peachie.

Peachie
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, CLAWSON appears, holding a pair of paperweights.

CLAWSON
Looking for something?

Peachie
Zoe, she's got your paperweights.

Zoe
Tell me something I don't already know!

Peachie
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

Zoe
I know that already!

Peachie
I'm afraid of dust.

CLAWSON
(appalled) Dude!

While CLAWSON is looking at Peachie with disgust, Zoe lunges forward and grabs her deadly paperweights. He wields them, triumphantly.Zoe
Prepare to be defeated, you deranged parsnip!

CLAWSON
No please! All I did was Enslave a bunch of elderly ladies!

Russell enters, unseen by any of the others.Zoe
I cannot tolerate that kind of behavior! Those elderly ladies were defenseless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Sylvia Trent defender of innocent elderly ladies.

CLAWSON
Don't hurt me! Please!

Zoe
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these paperweights on you right away!

CLAWSON
Because Sylvia, I am your mother.

Zoe looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.Zoe
No you're not!

CLAWSON
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

CLAWSON tries to grab the paperweights but Zoe dodges out of the way.SYLVIA
Who's the mummy now? Huh? *Huh?*

Unexpectedly, CLAWSON slumps to the ground.Peachie
Did she just faint?

Zoe
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly paperweights.

Zoe crouches over CLAWSON's body.Peachie
Be careful, Zoe. It could be a trick.

Zoe
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Clawson Fossis is dead!

Zoe
What?

SYLVIA

Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.QOKY claps her hands.QOKY
So your paperweights did save the day, after all.

PRICKLY steps forward.PRICKLY
Is it true? Did you kill the deranged tiger?

SYLVIA
Prickly how long have you been...?

PRICKLY puts his arm around SYLVIA.PRICKLY
Long enough.

SYLVIA
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Clawson Fossis.

PRICKLY
Then the elderly ladies are safe?

SYLVIA
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable elderly slow lorises enter, looking relived.PRICKLY
You are their hero.

The elderly ladies bow to Zoe.
(singing)

Zoe: I get on with life as a princess,

I'm a sexy kinda person.

I like making musics on Sundays,

I like singing in a choir in the week.

I like to contemplate the city.

But when I start to daydream,

My mind turns straight to the countryside.

Lemurs: Boom boom shake da boom-boom-boom!

*Do I love the countryside more than the city?*

*Do I love the countryside more than the city?*

I like to use words like 'monkey,'

I like to use words like 'cheers.'

I like to use words about the city.

But when I stop my talking,

My mind turns straight to the countryside.

Lemurs: Boom boom shake da boom-boom-boom!

*Do I love the countryside more than the city?*

*Do I love the countryside more than the city?*

I like to hang out with Each other,

I like to kick back with ,

But when left alone,

My mind turns straight to the countryside.

Lemurs: Boom boom shake da boom-boom-boom!

*Do I love the countryside more than the city?*

*Do I love the countryside more than the city?*

I'm not too fond of getting sun burnt,

I really hate cough mixture,

But I just think back to the countryside,

And I'm happy once again.

Boom boom shake da boom-boom-boom!Zoe
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Clawson Fossis will never Enslave elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.

PRICKLY
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the elderly ladies passes SYLVIA a Shiney talismanPRICKLY
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

SYLVIA
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.SYLVIA
Well, if you insist.

SYLVIA takes the talisman.SYLVIA
Thank you.

The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.
SYLVIA turns to PRICKLY.SYLVIA
Does this mean you want me back?

PRICKLY
Oh, Sylvia, of course I want you back!

The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly QOKY stops.QOKY
When I said I'm afraid of dust, you know I was just trying to distract the tiger don't you?

THE END