Crab Christmas

All of the crabs that would be given out on Crab Christmas.

## Basic Info

Crab Christmas was a holiday celebrated around Christmas time in which James, Jacob, and Drew worked together to harvest the corpses of horseshoe crabs that had been washed ashore to deliver to their friends as Christmas gifts, allowing them to save a pretty penny on Christmas and show off how cool horseshoe crabs are.

## The Elves Get to Work

After coming up with the idea for Crab Christmas, James knew that he would need the help of his little helpers Drew and Jacob to pull off the stunt. Due to a combination of Red Tide and poor beach maintenance, a record number of horseshoe crabs had washed ashore off the coast of Tarpon Springs and had gotten trapped in either the mangroves or under the docks. James and Drew went out hunting through the mangroves and collected a large number of crabs, and later on James would take Jacob out to search underneath the private docks of several apartment complexes. Jacob, dying of some illness, did not enjoy the rancid odor of dead horseshoe crabs and the task at hand, but after the collection he was filled with Christmas spirit.

After raiding the docks and the mangroves and evading the Warden, the next step was to clean out all of the shells. The actual legs and bodies of the crabs had to be removed, as well as all of the maggots and worms feeding off of their decomposing corpses. This was accomplished by using sticks found washed up along the shore, and once the carcasses were out of the shells they were placed into a bin of bleach. While bleaching, James and Jacob went to a Wal-Mart and requested some boxes, which they would use for their gifts.

After bleaching, lacquer was applied to some of the crabs, although incorrectly, and they were given names and assigned to a corresponding friend. Overall there were 30 crab corpses refurbished, so 27 friends were able to receive a crab for Christmas (3 of the crabs went to James, Drew, and Jacob).

The finale of the night was driving the crabs and wrapping each of them, with James and Jacob wrapping 15 each. The next morning, James would arrive at Jacob's to pick him and the crabs up, and together they would bring them in early and store them at the front of their AP US History classroom.

## Celebrating Crab Christmas

As the other students entered the classroom, they were amazed by the huge wall of presents at the front of the class. The teacher himself was impressed, with a passing teacher stating "I'd love to be one of your friends." If only he knew.

James and Jacob were cryptic as always and refused to elaborate on their presents, basically agreeing with whatever anyone theorized about them. In the span of 45 minutes they had told various people that the gifts were for a toy drive, for teachers, for their friends, and just straight up donations to the school. Finally, once class ended and Drew as able to arrive they presented the first crab to their teacher.

He opened his gift and, after seeing it was a horseshoe crab, slowly looked up in horrified realization at the present wall, as he begged for confirmation that each box contained a crab. A cryptic "shhhh" hand gesture from James was the only answer he got.

Throughout the day the schizos passed out their gifts to students and teachers alike, and instead of being bullied for this action (as they had expected), they were praised. People were incredibly hyped for the crabs, and soon people began expecting them. There was immense disappointment from the friends who did not receive a crab, which was something the schizos could not have predicted. Many people asked about their crabs, to which James would respond "it's in the mail."

## Legacy

To this day, the shells of the horseshoe crabs given to teachers can be seen hanging on the walls of their classroom. The fate of the crabs given to students is unknown (especially since some of the recipients have become enemies), but it is confirmed that the 3 crabs given to James, Drew, and Jacob still exist to this day.

While Crab Christmas was planned to be an annual event, it has not happened again since 2015. The sequel to Crab Christmas for 2016 was supposed to use blue crabs instead of horseshoe crabs, and was dubbed Blue Crab Christmas. These crabs were purchased live from an oriental market, and a test phase was implemented by giving them knives and letting them ride on skateboards. A brief survey was also taken by a few random students who were loitering around the neighborhood, but after a stabbing incident and lack of motivation the idea was scrapped.

To this day another Crab Christmas has unfortunately not taken place.

## Gallery

Searching under the dock for horseshoe crab carcasses.A bucket of dead horseshoe crabs collected from the beach.Cleaning out the horseshoe crab shells.The corpses of the dead horseshoe crabs laid out to be cleaned.A bucket of bleach and other chemicals to sanitize the crab shells.A second solution of chemicals to help make sure the shells were clean.One of the horseshoe crabs wrapped and bowed after being cleaned and preserved.A wrapped crab, featuring the nametag with the crab's name and who it is being gifted to.Another group of crabs wrapped and ready to be shipped to their new homes.Preparing the boxes for the horseshoe crabs.All of the horseshoe crabs that had to be boxed and wrapped.An example of the organizational structure of the operation. Each box had the name of its recipient labeled on the outside so the team would know what to put on the gift tag when wrapping.A tower of wrapped horseshoe crabs (not all pictured)A horseshoe crab can still be found in many of the classrooms where Crab Christmas took place.