Reanu Keeves

PICTURE OF REANU KEEVES

> *"Reanu Keeves has no need for people with heads"*
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**Reanu Keeves**, **Sir** **Rev. Dr. Keeves, Knight of Sealand**, or **God King Reanu Keeves**, is the single most dangerous and attractive man in the universe.

## **History**

Reanu Keeves first materialized along with Todd Howard in The Chess Club exactly 7.2 seconds after the universe was created. Despite this, there are those who believe that he and Todd are the only surviving inhabitants of some previous universe that collapsed in on itself.

Todd and Reanu quickly became friends after showing each other their Chins but, eventually, they parted ways to explore the universe. After a long while Todd became bored of the universe and was lonely, so he returned to the Chess Club to create his own universe where no one could make fun of his Chad Chin.

For unknown reasons, Reanu eventually returned to the Chess Club years later, and Todd told him he would save Reanu a place in the Tod-verse once it was completed. However, this act of friendship was merely a ruse: Todd had taken notice of the craving for power that was rapidly growing in Reanu's heart and, pitying the mortal realm and its people, had set in motion a plan to contain Reanu for all time.

Unfortunately, after years of developing the Tod-verse, Todd became impatient and released it into reality without finishing it, because of this the Tod-verse became infected with the dark power of The Cheesy Exploits, an ancient power that could be exploited and used to manipulate reality itself.

After living on Earth for a few years with his cousin Keanu Reeves, Reanu decided to take Todd's offer and escape to the Todd-verse. Unfortunately for mankind, the Tod-verse and The Cheesy Exploits that had contaminated it would eventually become the fuel to the ever-growing fire that was the insatiable hunger of Reanu Keeves.

### **The Tod-verse**

What Reanu did not count on, however, was that Todd had secretly modified the Tod-verse to serve as the most elaborate containment system in all reality. The Tod-verse's new purpose was to be split across millions of smaller copies of itself that would be spread as far apart as possible, dividing Reanu's power millions of times and preventing him from escaping.

However, during Reanu's many years in the Tod-verse he has become so powerful that his power on a single copy of The Elder Scrolls V has become 1/20th of what he would need to escape, meaning that if you took 20 copies of Skyrim and rubbed them together Reanu would escape the Tod-verse.

So far, Todd has delayed this by porting Skyrim to the Samsung smart fridge, dividing Reanu's power even further for the time being. In current times it is said that you would need to rub about 32 copies of Skyrim together to unleash Armageddon.

> *"This man, he's got it all - he's **so** attractive, **so** handsome, and **so majestic**"*
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#### **Skyrim**

The first plane of existence in the Todd-verse Reanu exploited was Skyrim, a mystical land full of disappearing logs, Nazeem, and Cheesy Exploits.

##### **Fork Arc**

Landing in the port city of Dawnstar, Reanu immediately set about applying to the College of Winterhold, seeking to better himself with his "totally real" degree in Khajiit Trading. The college, however, took one look at him and refused.

Not one to be deterred, Reanu used the power of the Cheesy Exploits to bestow two humble eating forks with the power of the sun and of a black hole (respectively). These forks would become known as Burny Sanders and Forkgive Me by the people of Skyrim, who would develop Argyrophobia shortly after their creation as anyone caught outside would become fair game to the mad god's whims. He attempted to test the forks on Whiterun, but had forgotten to charge them and had to make do with the soul of a random cow to activate their power.

With Burny Sanders and Forkgive Me in hand, Reanu obliterated the population of Whiterun before threatening its remaining cities and basically holding the entire country at fork point. He would also go on to create numerous other weapons of mass destruction on mere whims.

##### **Worst Sword Arc**

Reanu, bored with his forks, later enchanted two wooden swords: naming one Soul Bucket with the power of filling soul gems so long as the person struck by it then died in the following six months and the other capable of stealing 17 million health for himself. Using these, he laid waste to the college of Winterhold as revenge for not accepting his application.

When testing them against several Ebony Warriors whom he forced into existence, one of them nearly bested Reanu by disarming him of Soul Bucket, *almost* leaving him vulnerable, but he nonetheless prevailed in battle.

##### **Unarmed Arc**

After defeating the Ebony Warrior gang Reanu decided that he would leave the Tod-verse, now that he possessed enough power to enslave humanity, but after attempting to escape by punching reality repeatedly he soon began to realize that the Tod-verse was not a land of magic and forks, but a prison of cheese and confinement. Reanu then decided that the answer to this problem was to create a new super weapon, more powerful than any fork or wooden sword, but due to his all-consuming power-obsession, he had lost his taste for weapons that he bestowed with power, instead he wanted a weapon that bestowed *him* with power.

Journeying to the slum-town of Riften, hesearched for a fabled artifact known as the Gloves of the Pugilistbut after searching every house in Riften, Reanu was lead to the sewers where he battled his way through legions of homeless people with a woodcutter's rusty axe. After claiming the gloves from the sewer boxing champion Gian the Fist, (in a *completely* fair axe vs fist fight,) Reanu returned to Whiterunto find several glitches in the Tod-verse causing several walls to become play-dough. This did not deter Reanu from his mission of self-empowerment, however.

Reanu then visited Dragonsreach where he kidnapped the local enchanting table and used it to infuse a steel breastplate and steel Imperial (bless the Queen) gauntlets with cheesy exploits. After equipping the breastplate (now named Yorkshire Tea Gold) and the gloves (now named Yeetforce 90000) Reanu began punching reality, and the fate of the known universe hung in the balance.

Fortunately, just as Reanu began clawing his way out of the Tod-verse, Todd Howard summoned 30 Super Ghosts to stall Reanu while he ported Skyrim to the Samsung smart fridge. Within 5 seconds Reanu had yeeted Todd's super ghost squad into the sun, but this short time allowed Todd to finish his spell, trapping Reanu in the Tod-verse once again.

##### **Archery Arc**

After creating the Yeetforce 90000, Reanu Keeves decided to take the worst fighting style in Skyrim - close-quarters combat archery - and turn it into the best using The Cheesy Exploits. Unfortunately, despite being as powerful as he was handsome, Reanu didn't know much about archery; his skill was only 19 and a shot from his bow hardly damaged a hired thug at all. To fix this, he abused his friendship with Faendal, an archery trainer/follower, to raise his skill by 5 points before he decided that this method was not cheesy enough for his tastes. He then went to Whiterun to brew the ultimate archery concoction.

At Arcadia's Cauldron, the alchemy shop at Whiterun, Reanu created a potion that increased his archery capabilities by a measly 369,411% (not the best potion ever) and was disgusted by the 60 second time limit that no amount of exploitation could circumvent. He then wracked his solar system-sized brain for five nanoseconds before arriving at an even better way to become the best archer ever.

Reanu then crafted a different potion, one that improved his smithing abilities. Using this potion Reanu made two bows incredibly powerful; he made a stolen hunting bow that does 1700 damage (though the description said only 170) and a "backup" imperial bow that does 903. To test them out he caused an Ebony Warrior to come into being outside the city. After destroying him in one hit (thanks to the fortify archery potion from earlier) he spawned four more Ebony Warriors so that he might have a challenge. These were easy to defeat as well, except for their Unrelenting Force shout.

The second group of Warriors he created Unrelentingly Forced him so high that the fall would have killed any other person in the Tod-verse than he. By the time he managed to return to the fight, his potion had worn off and his bows, while powerful, were not even four-hit kills on the Ebony Warrior. Thoroughly embarrassed, Reanu decided that he needed to go back to the drawing board. This event caused him to become jealous of the Ebony Warrior and to covet his Shouting Power.

Reanu Keeves' next move was to pull off the infinite arrows exploit in Solitude. He replaced a guard's quiver of steel arrows with a single ebony arrow, and when that guard did archery practice Reanu farmed the infinite supply of arrows. It was then, standing atop a smoldering fire, that Reanu unintentionally showed a fragment of his true form; it was revealed that the physical form of Reanu Keeves is actually an amalgamation of several Reanus stacked atop each other.

With his arrows in hand, Reanu went to Dragonsreach and turned his imperial bow of 903 damage into A Song of Flame and Chill (definitely not a George R.R. Martin spin off), a bow which simultaneously does 67,456,592 fire damage and 67,560,848 ice damage for a stunning total of 135,018,343 damage. This bow, possibly the most powerful weapon that Reanu Keeves has ever made, makes its victims as hot as fourteen small nuclear bombs detonating and as cold as a person who just finished watching the film *Ice Age* on loop for twenty-four years.

Reanu used this bow to slaughter Whiterun's population and even more Ebony Warriors, who Unrelentingly Forced him over the walls of Whiterun and into the city proper, which was not loaded in.

##### **Hot Knife Arc**

Reanu Keeves, trapped in the Tod-verse as he was, had somehow learned of the memes about the 1000 degree knife and decided to make it for himself. However, he was to warm up by creating the 10 degree and 100 degree knives first. Reanu, without using any Cheesy Exploits, created the 10 degree knife so that his other knives would look that much more impressive. It was pretty good by non-cheese standards but Reanu wanted much more.

Reanu then created a fortify enchanting potion with his cheesy enchanted gear and created the 100 degree knife which could one-hit anything in the game. However, its power was only in four digits, so he decided to make the greatest knife of all. He needed a breakthough, so he terrorized some bandit camps for fun with his new toys.

Finally, Reanu Keeves created an even stronger fortify enchanting potion, and using that potion made the 1000 degree knife, which was so powerful that it could possibly kill other Immortals (though this has never been tested). He then went on another rampage. The Knives of Reanu Keeves, as these are collectively called, could end all life on earth if they are allowed to touch the planet's surface. Fortunately, the power of Yorkshire Tea Gold and of Reanu Keeves himself prevent this from occurring; however, the knives' power is only containable by Reanu Keeves.

##### **Paralysis Arc**

One day, Reanu had a mad stroke of genius: he wanted to test his potion-making and pickpocketing abilities to paralyze *everyone* in Skyrim. With the power of the Cheesy Exploits and the help of the senile Belrand (whom Reanu put out of his misery with a punch that obliterated his life force) and Uthgerd the Unbroken (whom he thoroughly broke in a boxing match) he created paralysis potions that lasted over 25 hours.

He was largely successful, poisoning almost everyone from peasants to the Jarl, but, to his shock, the Ebony Warrior tanked multiple potions with no visible effect. This sent Reanu into a spiral of deep depression that lasted several seconds as his life's choices flashed before his eyes.

##### **Unlimited Shouts Arc**

Remembering the Shouting power of the Ebony Warriors and desiring to possess it himself, Reanu decided to remove the silly shout cool down function that held him back from greatness. First, though, he listened to some of the speech which Heimskr was able to proclaim despite being paralyzed, and then killed him. After that, he started his plan and joined the Companions, for he knew that by doing so he could become a werewolf.

Enraged by Vilkas's assertion that he had "never heard of this outsider" Reanu decimated him in their duel. After dealing with the consequences of his Paralysis arc and Belrand's death, Reanu finally was able to progress with the quest line and become a werewolf. Then he went to Bleak Falls Barrow so that he could gain the ability to shout.

That done, Reanu Keeves unlocked the shouts he knew, and began searching for an Amulet of Talos. When he found 6, he pulled off the werewolf exploit to equip all 6 at the same time, reducing his shout cooldown by 120%. He then killed Stenvar, the only witness to his crimes against the Tod-verse. After this, he went to Whiterun to test his newfound powers.

In Whiterun, he Unrelentingly Forced numerous guards off stairs, causing some to die of fall damage. Afterwards he entered Dragonsreach and flung the Jarl's court around for a good while. Doing this made Reanu curious - what other shouts are there? This question led him to discover Whirlwind Sprint. After this he looted Eorlund Grey-Mane's vendor chest of valuables.

##### **Magic Only Arc**

Having accomplished everything else he wanted, Reanu once again set his eyes on his original goal: joining the college of Winterhold and becoming so powerful in magic that he would win adoration in the eye of mages everywhere. However, his previous rampage (and subsequent murder/paralysis of numerous mages) left the college head, Taldir, a little miffed with Reanu, but a bribe of 250 gold solved this and Reanu was finally accepted back.

Calling once again upon the Cheesy Exploits and using some leather armor, he crafted 40k Power Armor on Steroids, which gave him beyond-unlimited magicka with which to cast spells. He then crafted a potion that would greatly increase his Destruction spell damage but also risked dissolving even his godly insides. Trying again, he created a better potion and honed his skills on some unfortunate happy drunks, skeletons, and half of Skyrim's population.

Finally, forcing Faralda to give him the Lightning Storm spell and combining this with his enhancement potions, Reanu finally achieved, in his words "UNLIMITED POWAH!" And, as is often the case when enjoying his newfound ability, he proceeded to massacre the population of Whiterun with it as well as over a dozen Elder Dragons.

##### **Werewolf Army Arc**

After gaining unlimited power, Reanu decided that he no longer wanted to one-hit his victims; he wanted to toy with them first. Since he had recently joined the Companions to gain infinite shouts, he decided that he would take advantage of them more in order to break the summoning feature of Skyrim.

After he completed the Companions questline and became their leader, Reanu found the Totem of Brotherhood which would gift him the power to summon Werewolf Ghosts while he himself was a werewolf. Much to Reanu's dismay, however, this power seemed at first perfectly balanced and not cheesy. But soon he discovered that the only thing between him and infinite werewolves is the shout cooldown which Todd Howard in his vast wisdom had instituted. However, the mad god had already found a way around this deplorable balancing feature.

Reanu retreated inside Valtheim Towers with his follower Aela the Huntress so that no passers-by would witness the Cheese which Reanu would be manipulating. Using the same exploit which got him infinite shouts, Reanu equipped six Amulets of Talos while he was transformed, granting him the power to summon an infinite quantity of werewolves. While the Ghost Werewolves do poor damage, their power attacks have a ragdoll effect similar to Unrelenting Force but less powerful. This power alone made Reanu equal in power to Barry Boneraiser, but of course all his other powers make him more powerful than two hundred Barries.

With his new army of Ghostly Werewolves, Reanu went on a rampage across Skyrim, eating the corpses of the fallen and letting his minions do all the work. After a long and terrifying killing spree, Reanu finally returned to his human form. When he tried to transform again, he was met with yet another annoying attempt at balance: he could only transform once per day. Annoyed and displeased, Reanu visited the prison in Falkreath in order to vent his frustration on the prisoners.

It was there in the Falkreath prison that Reanu inadvertently began the quest which would fix his problem. He met Sinding, a fellow werewolf, who gave him a ring which would randomly transform him into a werewolf. Reanu saw potential in the ring and decided to complete the quest. His quest caused him to to an easy dungeon crawl and save Sinding's life, and in return Hircine, the Daedric Lord of the Hunt, cured the ring, giving Reanu the power to transform as many times per day as he wished.

Reanu then transformed into a werewolf using the ring to test his power, and when he transformed back he realized that he was wearing no clothes except his amulets, circlet and Yeetforce 90000. On beholding his shirtless glory, Aela the Huntress fell into a swoon and nearly lost consciousness on account of his beauty. Reanu paid this no heed and proceeded to rampage across Skyrim again.

While running about the tundra of Skyrim Reanu discovered an Ebony Warrior which he had forgotten to kill in another arc. Filled with joy, he summoned at least 20 werewolves and watched as the Warrior was yeeted about so frequently that he could never attack. Then he transformed back, bored of the spectacle, and finished the fight with one punch.

##### **Ventures into other realms**

In the year 1684 (see The Official Timeline), Reanu Keeves jumped to the realm closest and most similar to Skyrim: The Spiffed Skyrim. Reanu was at this point in the middle of his arcs, but no one knows exactly at which arc this was. The process of dimension-jumping caused his Spiffed form to appear older and much less handsome, but Reanu's potential to gain power was greatly increased in his new sub-dimension.

Reanu hoped that, since The Spiffed Skyrim was outside the Tod-verse, Todd Howard would not do anything about it, but Todd had discovered Reanu's activities by following him under a false identity (Howard Todds). When Todd found out about Reanu's presence in The Spiffed Skyrim, he and The Spiffing Brit used the power of Yorkshire Tea to banish the mad god back into normal Skyrim, forcing him to use The Cheesy Exploits to gain even more power so that he might enter a different realm.

In 1708, 100 Stat Man attempted to enter Skyrim from the Perfectly Balanced Realm of Crusader Kings 2 on Earth-100, but after a long battle he was nearly killed by Reanu Keeves, forcing 100 Stat Man from his home plane. Reanu used the portal that 100 Stat Man had created and ruled over The Germanic Empire for 228 years, leading the once mighty empire into a dark age. In 1936 Reanu got bored and returned to Skyrim but it is believed that he may have left several or a single offspring on Earth-100.

##### **Nigel the Noodle**

One day Reanu decided to create his own life, and make it especially cheesy. However, he did not want any threat to his power (real or imagined) to exist, so he decided upon a grand idea: He would create something that can one-hit any normal enemy, but a strong gust of wind would be enough to kill it. So it was that he created his first and favorite pet, Nigel the Noodle, by using a spell of his own design on the corpse of a wood elf. After he got bored of Nigel, Reanu allowed him to go on adventures of his own, and many came to fear the Noodle, not knowing his fatal weakness. However, without the mad god's protection Nigel soon tripped on a bucket and broke his neck.

##### **Final Days in Skyrim**

Reanu was crowned king of all Skyrim shortly after all these exploits but still his hunger for power grew, and within about two minutes Reanu had set his sights on Todd's latest (functional) plane of the Tod-verse, Fallout 4.

> *"Such is the joy in life, Reanu Keeves gets saved and no one else does"*
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#### **Fallout 4**

Fallout 4 was Reanu's second target, and he would do anything to reach it and exploit its cheesy exploits, but to do so he would first have to escape Skyrim, which had recently been sealed in a psychic bubble by Todd Howard to prevent Reanu's escape into the real world.

The only way to pass through the bubble was a Todd shaped hole that Todd built out of hubris, but this hubris would once again be his downfall. When Reanu discovered the hole in 2013, Todd rushed there to stop him, leading to a battle that shook the Tod-verse to its core and leading to Todd slamming the entirety of Skyrim into Reanu's face leaving him with a single scar across his left eye. This battle is creatively named The Battle of the Todd-shaped Hole.

Not much else is known about the battle, except that it ended with Reanu reaching Fallout 4 while also once again being sealed there by one of Todd's Psychic bubbles. The blood of the two Immortals is known to have created Jay Shagsby.

##### **Worst Gun Arc**

Upon Reanu's arrival in Fallout 4 he was greeted with nuclear war, which introduced Reanu to nuclear weapons. While still in awe of their power, Reanu escaped into a Vault where he was frozen in a cryogenic-preservation chamber for 200 years, among the other survivors. Reanu awoke to find all the other survivors in the Vault had died, something he had expected to happen since he had rerouted all their power to a backup power supply for his own cryogenic chamber, in case any problems occurred over the 200 years he was in there.

After salvaging as much as he could from the Vault Reanu set out into the wasteland to begin his second reign of terror. The first living being Reanu encountered was a dog named Dogmeat, which he would take under his wing as his first mortal friend since his cousin Keanu, although their friendship was completely built on the fact that Dogmeat physically couldn't question Reanu's horrific actions. Reanu would grow to tolerate Dogmeat's existence, which is more than most mortals can say.

Reanu would then go on to slaughter a gang of raiders and looting only a single object, a measly pipe pistol, which would go on to become the most powerful weapon in all of Fallout 4. He would then sail to an island of the coast of the Commonwealth named Far Harbor were he would find a unique but useless weapon named the Stryker after battling thousands of feral ghouls.

Once he had arrived back in the Commonwealth Reanu immediately began constructing his newest super weapon, which he would affectionately name The Power of Yorkshire Tea after his favorite drink, by fusing the pipe pistol with the nuclear power of the Stryker using pure Cheesy Exploits. Wielding The Power of Yorkshire Tea Reanu decimated the town of Concord to test his new power and for the first time in three years Reanu smiled, blinding anyone within four miles with his incredible teeth, except for Dogmeat whom Reanu had spared.

### **Accomplishments**

* Achieved immortality without reaching apotheosis or leaving behind his physical form.
* Can project his psychic form to briefly visit the mortal realm, typically to enter people's bedroom while asleep or otherwise vulnerable.
* Became the Lord of Werewolves and the most powerful being in the universe aside from Erihskroy.
* Conquered Skyrim and Fallout 4 single-handedly, and also defeated Mega-France.
* Can ultimately copy/paste life itself into existence on a whim.
* Created many super weapons and armors of unbeatable power, including:
	+ **Forkgive Me:** a fork enchanted with the power to drain the souls of the entire population of Skyrim at once many thousands of times over.
	+ **Burny Sanders:** a fork enchanted to do sufficient fire damage; strong enough to incinerate a legendary dragon.
	+ **Soul Bucket:** a wooden sword that fills soul gems provided the target dies within about 6 real-world months.
	+ **Unnamed Wooden Sword**: A sister to Soul Bucket that absorbs the collective health of half the galaxy per swing to fuel Reanu's power.
	+ **A Song of Flame and Chill**: a magical war bow that has the power to potentially punch a hole through the sun, or reality itself. At once the epitome of both heat and cold.
	+ **10/100/1,000 Degree Knives**: a set of enchanted kitchen utensils with the power to cook, burn, and evaporate flesh respectively. If dropped on the ground, these knives would proceed to burn a mile-wide hole through to the Earth's core resulting in the planet's destruction, so combined with Yorkshire Tea Gold's cooling abilities and Reanu's immortality they can only be safely carried on his person.
	+ **Yorkshire Tea Gold:** an invincible steel breastplate capable of withstanding a supernova, it is rumored that this breastplate also acts as a cooling system that allows Reanu's mortal body to hold immortal power, and that removing it would cause Reanu to overheat and explode into a supernova himself.
	+ **YEETFORCE 90000:** a pair of steel gauntlets that harness cheesy exploits and convert them into pure physical force, meaning they can theoretically exert any amount of force the user wishes, allowing Reanu to throw anything from a planet to a Farengar into the sun.
	+ **40k Power Armor on Steroids**: a leather shirt that grants the wearer unlimited energy with which to cast destruction or restoration spells, that could easily solve the global energy crisis at any time.
	+ **The Power of Yorkshire Tea**: a pipe pistol which shoots small nuclear bombs instead of bullets, yet consumes pipe pistol ammo anyway.

## Escape from the Tod-verse

It is widely believed that Reanu Keeves will, despite the best efforts of Todd Howard, inevitably escape from the Tod-verse into the mortal plane. It is unknown precisely what Reanu will do, but it is believed that he will inevitably destroy the mortal plane or at least all life on earth should he escape. However, there is hope for the survival of the human species.

The Spiffing Brit has made it known that Reanu promised to spare a few thousand people from the destruction of earth, and it is believed that Spiff will hold them in a pocket dimension that he will create with the power of Yorkshire Tea Gold (the drink). In addition, Jay Shagsby hopes to rebuild human civilization in the Tod-verse, after Reanu inevitably moves on, using the knowledge of universe-building which he has gained from studying the Tod-verse.

## Sources

### Skyrim

Arrival in Skyrim and Fork Arc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmUtltvUQX0

Worst Sword Arc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ChvSBhy\_Nc

Unarmed Arc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3emyu64CrPs

Hot Knife Arc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GgBcknK2mA

Archery Arc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vex\_rHVMHOo

Paralysis Arc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adr9V5YXY-4

Unlimited Shouts Arc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuN0kVYLgHY

Magic Only Arc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80ONaXTtjGw

Werewolf Army Arc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGdUZyu-izQ

### CK4 and Spiffed Skyrim

Conquering of The Germanic Empire: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdtVM0A3\_xM

Reign of 100 Stat Reanu Keeves: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPg7aFCjZXs

Spiffed Skyrim: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_4kmMozv6FM

### Fallout 4

Escape to Fallout 4 and Worst Gun Arc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oM\_UTdfaPc

Melee Only Arc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OM1HTyS-u68

Unlimited Experience Arc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UOThOQssiQ