In With The Old, Out With the New (The Suicide Sadie story)

## In With The Old, Out With The New (The Suicide Sadie story) by Pnckes

Time will always move forward regardless of what's happening in the world around you, I experienced that first hand, but sometimes it felt like time has purposely held back at the most painful moments and slowly dragged its hands around the circular frame so I would indulge in the taste of misery, the lack of passion and happiness my life once had. I float endlessly around this imaginary setting, trying to grasp myself back into reality, it's all lost now, all I can do is protect, protect the ones who are being affected just like me, to prevent their lives from ending just as mine did.. But for now I'll tell you the story of my life, important moments that meant something to me regardless if it was good or bad..

I was born in Salisbury, England on October 13th with my mother, Marie Bennett and father, Arther Bennett and I was bestowed the name Sadie Marie Bennett, a little bundle of joy to both spouses I guess you could say. The environment was dreary that day, raining about ninety percent of the time in England, but it didn't down their moment with me being held in my mother's arms for the very first time; eyes shining into hers. My father was a very successful business man and got offered a position in the States, my mother was a stay at home wife and didn't oppose to demands and in an instant we were packed and already on a plane to our new house, I was at a prime age of 6, so young and full of life and love to my parents.

We approached the hallway to the plane suddenly my father picked me up and sat me on his shoulders pretending to be the pilot of his own plane, "we're about to take off, kkchh, please fasten your seat belt and enjoy the ride, kkchh" we spun around and went to the foot of the plane, I was laughing so hard, it was a moment to cherish because later on this would all be gone. "You left me behind! The plane took off without me!" My mother chuckled and laughed as she finally caught up with us. The hostess welcomed us aboard as we took our seats and I begged for the window and I got it! Everyone was on as the pilot explained safety measures I drowned his voice out and looked outside of the airport site and to no one's surprise rain was surely falling and I thought to myself "it's strange how the rain always seems to follow me." I shook my head out of my entranced state as we finally took off, estimated time was well over several hours and we passed the time by entertaining one another playing cards and eventually I wound up passing out for a long nap, my father showed them our passports, filled out some paperwork on the plane and eventually landed on solid ground my father rubbed my arm gently, "hey kiddo it's time to wake up we're here!" I was still in and out of consciousness as he lifted me up and held me in his arms while my head rested against his shoulder.

It took us a few days to get settled in but our new home resided in the mountain regions of Moscow, Pennsylvania. It was absolutely beautiful and nature flourished in every nook and cranny, which resulted in me always being outside playing pretend with whatever I can find from being a pirate with twigs as swords fighting off imaginary stowaways to riding a dragon through a village, my mind was constantly going in the end which was a positive for me because I was so hyperactive. Every morning my mother would make us all breakfast and it was the best! From French toast to scrambled eggs, father always had a hot cup of coffee to wash it down with while I always had hot tea or milk. We would talk about our day and what we were planning on getting into for the rest of it, the kitchen table was a time for waking up with a fresh start and sharing it among one another. My father planned to top off the rest of the packages while I wanted to do nothing but explore around the house. It was a cold day so mother had dressed me up in a gray sweatshirt, a knitted green scarf, jeans and some old canvas shoes, overall it matched my growing light brown hair and deep dark brown eyes. She always liked to dress me up as if I was a life size doll of her own, I hated it at times, but I let her do it anyway since I had no say in it regardless.

While my father was unloading the last of our belongings I was in the woods running through the trees only to find another girl around my age, she was sitting down in a patch of flowers like daisies, tulips, daffodils as she sang and plucked them gently out of the soft soil, I kept my distance and pushed myself out from behind a tree, "h-hi.." I spoke shyly, she quickly turned around dark brown chocolate hair with bangs almost covering her eyes as glasses protected the shades of green behind them, a light pink dress with white Mary Janes were a bit torn and covered here and there with dirt, she gazed at me with silence but spoke softly, "....Hello." I walked towards her with a grin on my face and sat down besides her, "my name is Sadie! What's yours?" I asked curiously, "do you live around here? Maybe we could be friends? How old are you?" She became startled by all the questioning and shyly replied, "M-Mary..Yes, I live around here..A friend would be n-nice..I'm six" I grinned, "I'm six too! I just moved here from Salisbury, England! So...I don't really know anybody...It's nice to meet you Mary!" The girl relaxed and handed me some flowers as her fingers were intertwining their stems to make all sorts of natural jewelry like bracelets, necklaces, and even crowns! It was the first time that I had felt like someone understood me besides my family and there were many more moments to come, we were best friends for such a long time..

Middle school, Mary and I were inseparable and no one stood in our way, we were both around 12 to 13 with hand in hand wherever one went the other was sure to follow, sadly, we had no one else but ourselves since everyone in the building was too obscene and rude. We were walking down the halls as it was polluted with bodies, gossip and boys even hitting on me, which Mary told them to shove off since I was the one not to say much in any kind of situation, when I aged my hyperactivity diminished greatly and I was quiet while Mary was quite the opposite from when she was young. The best thing we had while we were locked in a prison was lunchtime, which my mother made the best damn lunches for me! Tomato sandwich, chips, a soda, you know simple things that got me through the day and luckily me and Mary had the same lunch time, so we sat beside one another in our own table alone chatting up about teachers and students, our own sort of gossip but it was never hateful. As the day died out we took the bus home, normally when the days were warm and bright we would always walk down the long bleak road which felt like it lead to nowhere but home. The bus was crowded with kids jumping from seat to seat, laughing, screaming, we even had to change bus drivers since the last one got a little too mad at one of the students and ended up getting fired, but Mary and I were to ourselves in the back of the bus and we were the last stop too so once it grew silent we knew it was time to get off.

She got out as I followed and we stepped out on the road we would walk on, since the bus couldn't drop us off right in front of our houses we had to hike it a good mile or two which was no inconvenience for us since we always enjoyed our time together, she was like the sister I wish I had and I to her. "So what sort of homework do you have today Sadie?" She groaned as her backpack was weighing her down while one foot tracked the other against the dirt road, "well, Biology which I like..I did my English homework in class and Math..Which I despise" I groaned over her, "want to help me with it?" I questioned since she was pretty much a human calculator and she replied with a nod along with a smile, "anytime, you know me Sadie" "all too well Mary, all too well!" We both giggled and laughed as a mile vanished behind us without warning and we were in my driveway which was nearly half a mile from my house resides as she lived right next door to me, which was another mile in all reality but we wouldn't mind since our bikes did usually most of the work out for us. "Hey Mary..You want to sleep over tonight? It's Friday and we don't have school tomorrow..How about it?" I asked as she smiled, "that'll be fine with me and I'm sure my rents won't mind it! Let me go home and pack and I'll be over in a few hours so we can get our homework done, okay?" "Sure thing! See you soon!" "See you Sadie!"

We waved goodbye but not for long as I turned and began treading down my driveway to be greeted by my mother when I get in. Our road was surrounded by trees and forest on both sides and some even warped to arch over the pathway it was beautifully relaxing as the weight from school lifts off my shoulders by the overwhelming aura around me. I stopped to glance at our home, covered in ivy up the sides it was like a cottage, but filled with life and nature together; a sight to behold. My mother opens the front door to spot me standing there she shouts, "Sadie! Come inside, I have a snack for you!" She smiles as it warms my heart, she is always so caring, so thoughtful of me, I love my mother. I laugh running into the front walkway and jump through the open door, shutting it behind, "hey mother! What do I get today for a snack? Oh, and by the way Mary is sleeping over tonight, is that okay?" I walk into the kitchen, it's black marble floors, emerald green granite countertops, stainless steel appliances with light yellow walls to brighten up the dark surroundings was truly a dream for any chef.

I sat down on a high bar stool to find a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a tall glass of orange juice waiting for me to consume it, "I know it's nothing special, because we're having something better for dinner tonight! And you know I don't mind Mary coming over, she is a doll and you two have been friends for so long now!" She speaks in projection as she was rinsing dishes in the sink while I devour the sandwich and quickly gulp down the juice, I stand on my feet and grab my backpack by the stool feet, "thanks so much mom, it was delicious!" I run to give her a kiss on the cheek, "well, I have to go start working on some of my homework before Mary comes over!" "Alright honey, I'll let you know when she gets here!" My mother smiled and kissed my cheek back, "love you, dear," "I love you too mom!" I yelled as my feet carried me up the small flight of stairs at the front of the house. It was colorful, one room was never the same color as the other, it looked like as if a child used the walls as a coloring book, but my family and I loved it so we kept its form the way it was built when whoever decided to live here.

My room was the one once you reached upstairs, I opened my door and threw my backpack besides the opening to look at my living quarters, the walls were a shade of soft pink, red rose quilts hand knitted by my mother laid against the twin sized bed in the middle of the room, and my stuffed pink elephant plush from when I was a baby was always there to greet me when I walked in. All the furniture was made of hand carved wood from over in England by someone my mother knew, a big dresser by the door and my vanity by the window which faced the back of the house to view nature at a safe distance, I sighed and turned on the radio on my bedside dresser so that the silence could be broken, while the music played I kicked off my shoes into my wall closet and changed into some sweatpants it was sort of a tradition I had, you should always be comfortable in your own home and pajamas suited me just fine.

I opened my backpack to grab my Biology book and my notepad with my pink mechanical pencil and sat Indian style on my bed, pulling one of the quilts over my shoulders to keep me warm I began working on my homework only to finding myself fallen asleep with my face buried within the book and slowly wake to hear mother shouting that Mary arrived. She busted through my door to see her with a stuffed night bag and her school book bag, "hey! Stop sleeping Sadie! I'm here, the fun has begun!" She drops her belongings to each side of her and tackles me as I become startled, "OH MY GOD MARY!! YOU SCARED THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME!!" I screamed, still trying to wake myself out of the three hour nap I was enjoying in my Biology book, but nevertheless I was happy to see her, "calm down! I didn't mean to scare you!" Mary assured me as she hugged me tightly, returning the favor she sat against her legs and stared at me, "you ready to get this homework out of the way so we can actually have some fun?" She said unhappy about the work as I nodded as we hit the books.

It was now fall and we were finally both seniors attending at North Pocono High; reaching freedom! A lot of people changed some more hateful than others, but Mary and I were still us, always there for one another, but sooner or later we knew one of us would find love since everybody was and hoping it didn't tear us apart. Cliques became more apparent there were jocks, preps, popular kids, emos, you name it! What were we? Everyone puts us in with the freaks since we were so "unpopular" but we were ok with this because we didn't play a part in their silly high school games. The school year quickly passed by us and we were dawning the winter break and my heart soared for the acceptance of this one boy, "So, have you asked him out yet?" Mary got in my face as I blushed and looked away, "n-no I haven't yet...Would he even like me back?" I asked nervously as she smirked, "well you won't know until you ask him! Do it today!" She pressured me on as I gave in, after the last bell to get out I'll ask him.

The day felt like it was taking forever, dragging on while my emotions were sky rocketing, my palms were sweating and at the ring of the bell everyone ran outside to their cars, bus, their ride, etc. While I looked for him in the crowds of screaming teenagers to recognize him with a group of popular girls, I walked up to him with anxiety the girls all glared at me then they strolled away laughing and making jokes about me; he stood there, "can I help you?" He asked with a smile, his face was warm, blonde golden hair and those blue icy eyes made anyone fall in love, "I...I wanted to tell you something that's been on my mind all school year.." I spoke softly as he walked closer since my voice was being embraced by everyone else around us, I blushed, "well, I'm listening.." He urged the matter on and I took a gulp of feelings and opened my mouth, but it came out in a hurry, "I really like you! I was wondering if you feel the same way for me?!"

I shouted as he became startled and shook his head slightly, "Well..I hate to disappoint you, but I'm in love with someone else..Sorry, " he looks at me with a smile behind his frown as he walked off his hand waved out to me as I stood there, broken, I held back tears as Mary pulled for me, "soooooo, what happened?" She nudged my arm with her elbow as tears drifted down my cheeks, "he doesn't feel the same way...B-but it's okay! I figured any popular kid would turn a freak like me down.." I cried as Mary held me close, "I'm sorry girl..Let's walk home today, okay?" I moved my head up and down against her shoulder as she hides my emotions from all the last minute students leaving the building and once everything was silent we both began to push ourselves home.

It was a long, painful stroll home, Mary held my hand as I was picking up the pieces in my mind, I knew this would happen, I knew he would turn me down, but I had to be strong and Mary was my guardian angel and I never realized it that she helped me up every time I fell, almost reaching our bus stop snow began to flow as I shared my scarf with her since her hand was trembling in mine, she smiled as my heart warmed up again, "thank you Mary....For always being by my side, you are the best friend I could ever ask for.." I spoke up as her cheeks slightly turned rosy from a combination of the cold and my kind words, "you will always be my best friend Sadie, no matter what happens.." She replied as our bond broke my emptiness and quickly my feelings rose from the hole it was dropped in. We laughed and joked down that dirt road we knew so well, which was now getting covered in a light sheet of snow, I gave her my scarf instead of sharing it, "keep it, you need it" I stated while she responded grinning with gratitude. We stopped at my driveway and she hugged me tightly for a few seconds, "don't worry about him...We have each other and that's good enough for me, " she spoke softly and ran off quickly, I tried to grasp her, but her body slipped like oil from mine and the snow hid the fading self of her.

I shook my head and ran home trying not to slip in the snow, which was multiplied on the ground and a smile stretched upon my face. Finally reaching the house I opened the front door with my key, "mom! I'm home!" I shut the door and waited for a response, but silence answered and my feelings once again dropped in worry, "m-mother?" I let go of my backpack and rested it against the door and proceeded to the kitchen only to discover her body sprawled on the black marble floor; screaming, "MOTHER!! MOTHERR!!" I ran to her body and shook her gently as the tears reformed on my face, no response to my calls I dialed 911 as the ambulance arrived within minutes, busting the door open and picking my mother's incoherent body onto a gurney as I called father while he was at the office, "FATHER!! MOTHER'S NOT WAKING UP!! I CALLED 911, I'M GOING WITH THEM!! PLEASE, COME TO THE HOSPITAL!!" On the other side, his eyes lit up with panic, "D-DON'T WORRY SWEETY!! DAD'S COMING!!" He rapidly hung up, ran out of his room and made his way to the garage deck. We rested in the ambulance as the sirens roared and they tried to revive my mother, I sat next to them pouring out my emotions, "DON'T LEAVE ME MOTHER, PLEASE STAY WITH FATHER AND ME!! DON'T GO!!" I was screaming while one of the patrons was questioning me, "was there anything going on with your mother that was out of the ordinary to you?" "S-she was having b-bad headaches lately...Even a seizure o-one time, sl-slurring her words..." I spoke softly as they took notes and before I realized it they were already at the emergency dock and taking her inside as I quickly ran with them.

Rushing her into the emergency room one of the nurses stopped me, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait here, we cannot allow unauthorized personal into the ER." My eyes widened, "w-will she be okay?!" "We will do everything we can to assure you that she will be fine, but for now just sit and calm yourself" I took a seat as she rushed into the swinging doors. My father rushed himself through the entrance to find me with my head in my hands, "SADIE!" He shouted as I lifted my head up to see him, he ran to me out of breath, "how long have you been sitting here?!" He was in a state of worry, "about an hour now..And still nothing.." Soon as I finished the sentence the lead doctor came out and greeted us, "she has regained focus and her vitals are steady but..There is some concerning news we have discovered.." "W-what is it doctor?" My father was getting uneasy, "well..It comes down to her being diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer and sadly there is nothing we can do, the cancer has spread too quickly for us to be able to manipulate it..She has about a month at most..I'm sorry.." Father looked at me and I looked back both without words to say, nothing but silence "c-can we see her?" He inquired, "Unfortunately, we are still doing work on her and checking blood so on and so forth..Come back tomorrow and I'll be sure that our receptionist gives you her room number, have a good night." And that was it, he walked off as we were both breathless, "L-let's go home Sadie..." He grabbed my hand as tears flowed out of our ducts as we sat in the car and he drove us home to endure a long night, I even slept in mother's spot; crying ourselves to sleep.

The next day I had to survive the school day and I hadn't spoken one word to Mary, she was worried about me and even skipped a few classes to stick by me, the teachers didn't care it was the last day before the winter vacation so they let it slide. We did have one class together, which was English 12 and of course my rejected crush was in the classroom as well, Mary was talking with me about her night something about her father coming home being an idiot, tripping over things and merry with the family, yet I have yet to tell her about my mother which I couldn't risk letting out of my head, it haunted my thoughts and emotions to the point where I was mute, nodding at conversations and just replying with a simple, "yes." Mary stopped talking about her father when she overheard my crush and a group of girls whispering and gossiping, "she literally spilt her heart out at me and of course I couldn't say yes, she's a freak! I even lied to get out of looking like a dick," "wow, what made her think that she would even have a chance with you? You're like totally popular and good looking.." One of the girls replied and glanced over at us, "she's ugly and totally not awesome like you are!" They kept at it for about a good ten minutes before Mary butted in their little chat and began to mimic the way they talked, "like you are so totally stupid, like you get F's in this class cause like you were born retarded okay? As for you man, you're like totally fake and a real dick m'kayy? Like why would anyone even date you if surround yourself in idiots? Trying to hide how like stupid you really are? You are a fool to turn down Sadie like totally stupid!" The girls became offended, "go away freak, we'll catch it!"

"Well, I hope you do, fucking preps!" She roared like thunder. They all ignored her as she walks back to me, grabs my hand and we make a break for it out the school doors, into a wintery white atmosphere, "you don't need to be here today! We should go back home, yeah?" She stated and I nodded silently still matters pressing on about my mother being in the hospital. We held hands like we always did as snow again began to descend from the sky, frozen tears of angels my mother would say..Everything made me think of her. Mary looked at me, "what's been up with you Sadie? You've been quiet all day...I'm worried about you" I stopped and looked at her with sincerity in my eyes, "Mary...My mother has stage 4 brain cancer, she was rushed to the hospital last night..She has at most a month to live..." I choked on my words as tears held in all day rushed out to meet the cold and some stopped in their tracks; frozen. She looks at me and holds me close even crying some herself, "S-Sadie..I'm so sorry! I'll be here for you, always. It's horrible how life is..Going through so much.." She consoled me as everything turned to white, blinded by tears my day was nothing but enjoyable.

I returned with Mary to find my house empty, cold, and without a heart, no mother to greet me, "would you like me to stay?" She asked as I smiled slightly and sniffled, "y-yeah..." replying as I went up to my room, "I'm going to get something in the kitchen if that's alright Sadie!" Mary shouted and knew I didn't care; ring ring! "Bennett residence, Mary speaking" she picked it up while I was falling apart in the bed sheets upstairs, "oh...Hey Mary its Sadie's father Arther, can you tell her I'll be home late tonight? We'll have to go see her mother tomorrow.." "Oh....I'll let her know.." "Thanks Mary, for being there for her, " he hung up as she headed up to see my face buried in my pillow, cradling my pink stuffed elephant in my arms, "Sadie...Just relax..." She spoke softly and pried my body from the quilts as I attached myself to her, the rest was blurry to me, but she stayed the night and kept me close like a friend would.

A few weeks have slowly drug itself by and ritual was to always see my mother for hours on end, talking with her, making sure she was taken care of, "hello mother!" I smiled as she smiled back, "hello my sweet child, how are you doing today?" "I'm always missing you.." My face deepened and put brand new fresh bought daisies in a flower vase, every week I would buy her new ones bringing a smile on her face, always made me feel like I was doing at least something right for her in this time of need. "I'm so frightened for you.." I speak while pulling up a chair next to her bedside and held her hand in mine, she looks at me, smiles and touches her hand on my face as the tears drip against her fingertips, "my dear Sadie if it is my time to go then I must, you mustn't fear for me leaving..You are a very strong young woman and I know you can do great things in this world, but I will always...." She pulls my drooping face to stop looking at our intertwined hands, but at her face, which held a smile, "always be there for you no matter what happens, okay?" "O-okay...I love you mom.."

"I love you too, Sadie" we shared these special moments every day for the next few weeks and it made me realize how much I truly did need her, how much I wouldn't be the same without her always giving me strength to make it through every day. "How's your father doing? I hope he's alright, I know he can't handle bad news too well.." She spoke worried about her partner, "I haven't seen much of dad lately..He's been working late and he's been starting to mess up the house like this morning his clothes were all over the hallway upstairs..But I'm sure he's just been too tired" I respond as she nods as silence for a moment was covered by her heart rate monitor. In an instant it rushed rapidly as her body trembled and underwent a seizure, I panicked and grabbed some nurses from right outside her door as they rushed her bed quickly to the ER as my body fell back into the chair I was sitting in, crying, crying heavily with my hands catching my tears as they slip through the cracks, it was scary to watch her like this and I left for home, walking naturally since father yet again was working late tonight, I cried myself to sleep once more..

Another long and dreadful week passed my life by and it was soon to be a month exactly when the doctor foretold us that she wouldn't make it past that and today marked a month so naturally I went to visit my mother again. I knocked on the door as I walked in, I remember it like yesterday, I got off of school since it was back in session..I was wearing my tan sweater vest, white button up shirt, a plaid multicolored pleated skirt with a red ribbon matching my look, black buckle shoes and long white knee socks to pull it off. It was raining today, so I had my red umbrella with a cute charm Mary bought for me from a local Japanese store that hung from the support rims inside so it dangled when opened. Mother looked..Ill more so than yesterday when I saw her, sitting in the chair I normally do and like always holding her hand in mine, it "Hello mother...How are you today?" I asked as she looked at me with slowly dying eyes and smiled, "never better.." Her voice was raspy like some object dragging it against sheet metal, it made my body cringe, but also drowned my emotions with concern, "your heart rate is pretty low today.." I look over at the monitor as the beeps slowly move across the board as rain clouds the silence with drops tapping at the window, but she didn't speak, she was too weak to even really do anything so I continued the conversation, "now that I see it..The most memorable moments in my life..Was when it was always raining or snowing..If the memory was good or bad, it always followed me wherever I went in life.." I spoke softly as my head moved for a slight moment to the beaten window as the sky lights up once as if it was answering to my statement and quickly I turn back to mother. "I don't want the doctor to be right, I want you to stick around...But I know you're hurting deep down inside..I love you so much mom..You will always be my mother, no one will ever replace that.."

Rubbing her hand in mine like last week with the seizure incident, it did the opposite; beeeeeeeep! It makes a long ringing in my ears as her hand slowly drops away from mine and my eyes react naturally as tears rushed out saving her hand from falling she became cold, I screamed as the nurses rushed in only to find my mother had fallen and I was there to witness it all. The nurses knew they couldn't save her alone because of the condition, but they tried with some defibrillators, giving her oxygen, nothing worked as I let her hand slip away as a large chunk of my soul went with it..She was gone, after all this time..She left me here and there was nothing I could do about it..I sat there while the nurses pulled a white sheet over her body and let me grieve for a little while longer before I was escorted out of the building almost to midnight, several hours flew by but it felt like time had froze being in her presence. "We have contacted your father and he knows about the situation, he is leaving his job to come see your mother and will be home afterwards, we're sorry.." I was speechless and my throat was torn since my lungs were screaming out what little voice I had, so simply just nodding and opening my umbrella I began my walk home in the pouring rain. The whole time I thought about her life just leaving so soon and so quickly without my knowing, little did I know something inside of me changed and in my father but not for the better what she wanted from us.

That night when I finally got in the front door after a good 10 mile walk, opening it to find nothing but silence, black, and without a heart, "I can't believe it..." My eyes stood wide as I felt dead inside as if my soul was pulled right out of my still beaten chest, "I can't live without her..." Making a dash for the kitchen I grab her special chef's knife that was passed down on her side for generations, it was a little reminder of how she loved to cook and I took it with me to my room. I changed into my elegant orange night dress with see through mesh around my collar and some danced around my waist, "it won't be the same without you! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO, WHY?! You were my everything, my life when there was none, my courage when I was weak, my mother..." I wanted to kill myself that night and to be honest, I should've, instead I grasped the knife and cut two nice sized gashes in each wrist to see if I bled out. Falling to my knees crying while the crimson drips down on my thighs and the wooden floor, creating a small pool surrounding me, I cried, but the sensation of pain was helping and thus I surrendered myself into depression and mental insanity, it must be kept secret to everyone even my father.

As I sat there for a few minutes until my wounds coagulated I cleaned up the aftermath with an old rag that was for removing make up that lied on my desk, tossing it in my closet so no one would notice I soon fell on the bed crying to myself, holding my wrists and contorting my body into a ball as I fell asleep. I awoke the next morning, luckily it was a weekend so I didn't have to worry about school so I threw on my big sized gray sweatshirt and slowly tumbled down the flight of steps to find that something happened last night..There was broken glass all over the floor, a family portrait hanging on the wall looked punched in, "father........" I slowly spoke only to notice that his car was gone, "work again I presume.." I shook my head and got a cup of hot tea from the kettle resting upon the stove top as I stood there in silence, drinking and having a flashback to where we would all have breakfast and be greeted by a smiling mother, wife, beautiful person; now shedding tears, "m-mother...I can't believe this.." Wiping my face with the sleeves I drag my feet upstairs and head into the bathroom, it was a small but a good enough size for two people to fit if you even really needed to have two people in there at the same time anyway, but I turned on the hot water and undressed myself while taking more sips of my tea as the bath was filling up with hot water, stepping in slowly it burned against my skin, I loved it, I quickly sank in and gazed at my slit wrists, why did I do it?

I failed at killing myself; however, it felt like satisfaction like it could take away my pain and that's when I decided every night I will slice up both arms once every week to ease the pain, call me a freak, how ironic, even call me stupid but it's what I wanted to do at that point in time. For the rest of the day I just moped around, watching cartoons on the television in the living room, whatever I could to pass the dreadful day that I wished never came or I wished that I never woke up to greet it. The clock turned to eight as I heard a car pull into our driveway looking out the window to spot my father, he appeared as if he got into some sort of gang fight and was stumbling, I opened to the door for him as he looks at me, "thanks...Kiddo" his hand messed my hair up as I lock the door, "I haven't seen you in a while......How are you?" I spoke, "I've been hammered at work..And about your mother...It's been killing me.." I follow him into the kitchen where he pours himself a cold glass of scotch on the rocks and takes a seat on one of the bar stools while my body hunches over the counter tops while we exchange glances. "I'll be coming home earlier from now on since I finally got all of this stressful work out of my way so you won't be alone, okay?" I nodded, it was just us two against the world now and all we had was each other, "well..I'm going to get some sleep dad..I have to attend school in the morning.." I gave him a tight hug while he returned and kissed my forehead, "G'night kiddo..." He polished off his drink and without hesitation poured another one when I walked away, I heard tears echoing off the kitchen walls and that ended our night for it was the last normal conversation we would ever share.

Going back to school was hard, I mean...Almost seems impossible. Mary greeted me at the end of my driveway as I kept my mouth shut about what happened, she asked me how my mother was and remained silent I think she knew what occurred and just kept her mouth shut while we caught the bus at the end of our main road. The day rolled without me noticing as I kept bundled in my gray sweatshirt to avoid any staff noticing my cuts, just thinking about my mother and how my father started drinking so easily last night when he never really drank before..I had somewhat of a bad feeling about all of this, but I never thought too heavily into it. Before I knew it the school day was over and Mary met me at the exit I told her she should take the bus and I'll talk with her later, she wanted to stick with me, "Sadie..Is everything okay?" "YES EVERYTHING'S FINE! JUST GO ALREADY!" I cried while she leapt backwards, "o-ok if you say so...See you later then..." And for the first time I yelled at her and it grew with remorse that my actions hurt her..I never intended on doing that, but she kept pressing the matter on if I was alright, no....I'm not so sure. Mary got on the bus soon as they drove off I began walking alone it was raining earlier, but luckily it came to a halt otherwise my clothes and myself would've been soaked since I left my umbrella by the front door. I sighed as one foot chased the other, pulling up my gray knit scarf to cover my nose and mouth the silence was bliss for me as my mind fought with my emotions, "you'll be alright remember what your mother said!" "PSHHH, you, alright? Give it a rest you know you're falling apart just admit it already!" "NO! I'll be fine, I'll be good, I'll be......Good...." "See?

Give in, just let me lead you out of this! She's gone, why not join her in those pearly gates? A cut a day keeps the depression away! keheeeeeeeeee!" I laughed under my breath, but crying at the same time, I truly had lost my head and even my emotions fell in. It's been a few hours since I made it home, the time was dawning 8o' clock as I heard father pulling into the driveway as his tires screeched and his body forced through the doorway, "S-SADIE!! COME HERE!!" My head perked up and stepped out of my room slowly, "y-yes dad? What's wrong?" He huffed up the stairs with stomps on each individual step as his palm met my face, knocking me down to the floor as my hair covered my face which now bore tears down then, "YOU FUCKING BITCH!!" He hiccuped, he was intoxicated I have never seen a side of him like this before..It was frightening! "W-WHY?!" I cried as he picked me up and threw me back down as my spine met the wood floor, I gasped for breath as I lay there, "y-you're just like her! YOU L-LOOK JUST L-LIKE HER!! MARIEEE!!" He was yelling and causing a commotion above me, my eyes widened in awe as I tried crawling away, he whipped out the leather belt he wore every day that mother made for him, taking hold of my leg and dragging me back, he lashed me over and over against my spine, I screamed and screamed, pleading for him to stop but he stayed with his actions.

After a moment he gave up due to lack of energy and walked away, "you w-worthless bitch, " he muttered down the stairs to sit in front of the television and I'm sure to take another drink while I simply rested against the floor, tears staining my skin as I move one hand to pull my beaten body into my room and quietly shut the door behind me, "w.....Why" I choked out of breath from screaming for death to come and take me away. To end that night my mother's knife touched my arms once again, my life is falling apart.. A few more days moved away as my body was getting a beating almost on a daily and it ruined me further, my sides, my spine, my stomach wore black and purple patches where contact was the most painful while I checked myself out in my vanity, I've become skittish, silent and submissive. When school was in session Mary and I would barely talk anymore, not after that incident when I yelled at her, I had pushed her away and it was truly just myself now and no one else. She would come up to me every now and again, but barely spoke anything, "I'm concerned about you Sadie...If you need a friend you know where to find me.." I blinked my eyes and she was gone..Once I got home, I stared and waited for him to come home drunk again and beat me silly to get self gratification while I cried and even slightly bled on the floor.

As time repeats itself, I found myself sore, bruised and he even cried with me, but for different reasons, leaving me on the kitchen floor this time he grabbed his drink and left to his quarters, "I can't....Do this anymore...There must be a way out of this..." I screamed and whimpered as my body forced me to stay on the tile for almost an hour before allowing me to weakly move myself to my room; shutting the door behind me. I was tired of all the beatings, tired of all the pain, tired of all this drastic change in my life ever since she's been gone, she told me it would be better...Well, that was a bunch of bullshit! The house was a mess, clothes everywhere, it looked like a bomb crashed and imploded within the home walls and not even food for us to eat, I ended up not eating for a day or two until he'd leave leftover food after which I would then scavenge after his stomach distended. Father would be ruining almost every object he can get his drunken hands on, he even tried to hit me with a vase mother hand painted to hold her flowers in; I'm not safe anymore..I rarely sleep, how much longer can I take this?

I counted six gashes on each arm today, is this what I have been driven to? I haven't been to school in about a week, the staff called our house almost seventeen times, but not once did I feel the need to call back, I was done with education, everything I once loved or gave a shit about was swallowed by my depression and helplessness.. Little did I know this was the day that I die, the time I gave myself the courage to end it all and I was driven by something crude, it began once he stepped through the door, drunk, enraged and I was slipping into my white night shirt, quickly I hid in high hopes he doesn't notice that I'm home. "S-SADIE! C-COME GET MY JACKET!!" He screams and stumbles around looking for me in every room downstairs, every place that I can fit myself into and finally threw in the towel and moved back to the living room with a new drink in hand. I sighed in relief as I drew myself from underneath my bed, "that was a close call...." My throat was sore and I needed a drink, I slipped quietly down the stairs and tiptoed into the kitchen once I grasped a cup from the cabinet I shut and it slammed against the base as his head quickly turned to face me in rage, "shit..." I uttered under my tone as he stormed at me, I tried to run, but his hand yanked mine reeling me in like a fish caught on a hook, "well, well, well Sadie dear, why did you hide from me? You know it's not wise to do such things when you know I will find you or you'll slip up like just now and fall into my clutches like a fly caught in a Venus fly trap!"

He was being a smart drunk for a change, but ended up throwing my body into the counter top siding, instantly losing my breath; gasping for air as I fall, dropping the glass beside me, it shattered and I saw a shard, slicing through one of his pant legs to breach his skin as proof showed blood flow down his shoe and onto the ground, that was the worst thing I could have done, tried to protect myself.. He changed from already mad to furious, screaming he picks my body up by my throat and slams me down against the counter actually throwing punches instead of the belt, spitting up blood I cried and begged for forgiveness, but he kept on persisting; death felt so close I could almost hold his hand but it was just my imagination of the vast amount of pain I was in. "You don't deserve life, it should have been you than Marie! MY WIFE, MY LIFE!! You are just nothing but a hindrance and a reminder of her every day!" He was yelling in my face as I lay there crying, coughing up blood, then the words hit me like a ton of bricks, "I NEVER LOVED YOU, YOU ARE NOT MY CHILD!!" There it was, what drove me over the edge as he walked away and thrashed around the house while with what little energy I had left I managed to make it back to my room. "I'm not his child, he n-never loved me, this is all just a dream..Right?!" I lay my hands upon the vanity as my head struggled to pick up my torn face, my torn heart, my torn soul and I knew it was time to let go, let go of all this pain and suffering, all of this was begging me to go to end my life and stop wasting time!

I yelled, "WHAT ARE YOU?! WHAT AM I?! I'M SADIE MARIE BENNETT AND MY LIFE IS A PIECE OF LIVING SHIT!!" Why was I yelling at my reflection? I have really gone off my rocker, but it didn't interest me in any way shape or form. I gripped my mother's chef knife right beside me as it rested against the vanity like death was laying a stepping stone pathway for me and was watching with high amusement. My body began to tremble, but I steadied myself cause it was time to quit beating around the bush and get this show on the road, I laughed and cried simultaneously while my hair got in my way of everything, tilting my head I pushed it aside as the other hand was still gripping the knife tightly, "am I really ready to do this? Why shouldn't I just end it?" I just failed every other time, the cutting was pointless and getting nowhere, I needed a better alternative and this called to me like crystal. I smiled, "no more pain, no more suffering! No more getting told I'm worthless and useless!" I motioned the knife towards my neck, but I slipped up as the knife drug against my left eyeball as it bursts and fluid spits all over me with it slicing my skin on the way out. I sank to the ground with the knife, screaming, yelling and thrashing side to side, "FUCK, FUCK, IT HURTS SO MUCH!! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!!" I can't believe it, but this made sure I was to end my life, I cannot live with what I just accomplished. I killed myself and in three swift motions I picked up the knife, positioned it against my neck and then quickly sliced my jugular; body froze, the knife dropped as my mouth drooped, blood escaped from the rims of my quickly turning purpled lips while my neck splashes up crimson liquid as it stained everything and ruining most of my belongings in the room while my body violently jerked for a few seconds and it was done, the life drained out of me within an instant..I thought I was finally free.

Where did my soul go? Was I aiming towards Heaven? Or Hell? Oh no, I wasn't going anywhere..A few minutes later as some sort of ectoplasmic being of myself pried from my corpse I was reborn, but not exactly how I'd like it to be; looking down at my body I panicked slightly and took a good look at my new self, I was no longer in a solid state like before it was kind of exciting but at the same time I was scared shitless of what I had become, "w-what....What is this?!" I talked, but it came out in somewhat of a distorted tone like I was shouting from a cave as my voice trailed itself. "Why am I still on Earth? This makes no logical sense to me...My body is there, but I am here, obviously I'm a soul..A fictional being? No...No.." I hovered over the ground, maybe a few feet and slowly moved around the room to get a feel for myself, trying to grab the doorknob to the hallway from my room slipped like butter out of my hands as it went literally through the door, I yelped but everything was fine, grinning and then pushed myself through into the hallway. I was still bleeding out my still lifeless body which was set above the front room where my father was residing and to his surprise a drop of blood dripped onto his face, he felt and rubbed his fingers together to feel that it wasn't just water; running upstairs he roared, "SADIE?! WHAT THE FU-" he shuddered as his breath was visible, and walked right past me but he was too intoxicated to care, swinging the door open violently he dropped his drink as the glass shattered and took a good glance at my deceased body, he shed a single tear in remorse but shook it off and called 911 for the police to report the suicide.

Hovering around him, waving my hands and making stupid faces, yet he saw nothing, "maybe...The reason he can't see me is that I don't want him to.." She took a moment in silence while her body formed slightly, his eyes began to widen, he jumped back in panic at his daughter was floating right in front of him, "S-SADIE!?" He screams as I laugh, "WELL WELL WELL DEAR FATHER LOOKS LIKE THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!!" I cackled and crossed my arms, "I can feel your soul, it's shivering with fear, like you've maybe....Seen a ghost?" I giggle as he was in shock, "tsk tsk, no need to fear me, oh wait, you should!" I close my eyes and slowly morph my body into his; struggling to keep me out I pushed in further, "stop, you'll simply make it more enjoyable for me to slaughter you!" I chuckle as my hands wrap around his heart and tug, I was sucked into his frame and I had control, for one time in my life I felt like nothing could stop me, a reformed me! I had a purpose, a plan, to get my revenge!

"Oh, look at me! I'm a drunk who abuses my daughter because she's the spitting image of her mother who I love more than her!" I used his voice box to project my feelings and picking up the knife I committed suicide with as I use his body like a puppet waving his arm around with the knife like a limp noodle, laughing the whole while, "now, it's time to do what I did to myself, you will endure my pain, my suffering, what you did to me was wrong and I won't let you hurt anyone ever again!" I shouted loudly as his voice replaced my sentence and quickly I slid the knife into his throat stabbing him over and over again like a voodoo doll, "AHAHAA!! HOW DOES IT FEEEEEEEL FATHER?! GOOOD!?!?! IT DOES TO MEE!!" I yelled as his body jerked around and fell to the floor as blood decorated another portion of the house while my being slips out and hovers around him, "awww poor daddy! This is what you made, a new me!" I spoke with confidence and then it hit me, "I know why I was born like this! People just like you. People who abuse their children and making them suffer for your own gratitude...That's all about to change. I have a purpose now and I can't help but thank you father, for doing those things to me for causing me to stop my life...I am better than I was, mother was right!" I grinned as sirens reached the house, "well, looks like the cops are a little too late huh dad? Oh well!" Laughing as my body floats through the home I once knew, the old life that I had, leaving all those pains behind and made my own self strength through my mother's words.

So my advice, when you have a family of your own, treat your kids with respect because if you don't I'm sure we'll be real good friends...