recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Bonus Content: We Forgot Jeffrey

Drink! We forgot Jeffrey..

© Jason Phelps 2019.

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## Lyrics

Well, we’ve been sailing the high seas

Engaged in mighty quests

And our friends make it like a breeze

We brought the very best

Celestia’s got flashy sleeves

Corzin’s his hairy chest

And Scamp rounds off the whole party

Drink! We forgot Jeffrey

Now, some folk think a simian

Won’t make a pleasant pet

But after all the fun we’ve had

We’re sure to take that bet

We brought him for you all to see

Now hold on, where’s he gone

Not in your pack, not on the ship

Drink! We forgot Jeffrey

So Jeffery’s gone out on his own to have a spot of fun

He’s scarfing everything he sees, no wait, don’t drink that rum

He’s flying on a carpet and somehow he got a sword

Don’t forget your monkey or he’s bound to get quite bored

[Spoken] Say Jeffery, why don’t you tell us about your day out?

[Just straight up a verse of monkey noises]

He’s in Celestia’s backpack

all tuckered out asleep

There’s also piles of monkey crap

A gift for you to keep

We’ll cast off to our next great quest

And sail into the deep

Wait, where’s your pack? Ah crap, turn back

And drink! We forgot Jeffrey
Episode 87: Visions & Vulnerabilities

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*In which the party experiences some side effects.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "Flying Rock” Bellekom
* Sam “Flying Brick” Burns
* Ellie "Falling Rick” Sparrow

## Ending Song

A prophet's a fine role to play

But there's always a price to pay

To meddle with time, there's a catch

Of course, there are some strings attached
Episode 92: Pain & Predestination

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*In which a dying message is received.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "Blink Dog Beer” Bellekom
* Sam “Violent Vrock Vodka” Burns
* Ellie "Pokey Pixie Posca” Sparrow

(Bonus: Joined by Jason "I did not write these before hand" Phelps)

## Ending Song

If now you've watched by final breath

I must have failed to cheat death

But time's a gamble we must win

I'll put my trust in you, Marlin
Episode 15: Nests & Nightmares

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*In which the party engages a deadly nest and a troubling entity, and a dark force comes bearing light.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the increasingly shadowy but perhaps, with just a hint of hope left in them waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Scorching Ray” Bellekom
* Sam “Freezing Bay” Burns
* Ellie “Shocking Lay” Sparrow

## Ending Song

Tenebrae resistance we face,

Around a tear in time and space

When victory’s won harsh and hard,

You’ll fear the coming of the guard
Episode 53: Friendships & Futureproofing

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*In which the crew return to the capital, bear an ominous message and are tasked with a mission.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Brave New World” Bellekom
* Sam “Cowardly Old Planet” Burns
* Ellie “Ominously Coming Year” Sparrow

## Ending Song

To see your friends is ne’er too soon

Even if you bring words of doom

But can our words bring peace, we’ll see

Or stain our hands for victory
Episode 29: Cauldrons & Cannibals

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*In which the party experiences new and interesting cultures.*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the Elf-stewn forests of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Gluteus Maximus” Bellekom
* Sam “Gluteus Minimus” Burns
* Ellie “Glutinous Rice Balls” Sparrow

## Ending Song

From flesh to bones upon the spit,

Then bones to flesh within the pit

When youth is slain and flesh is torn,

The drunk god’s once again reborn
Welcome to Blood City

**Welcome to Blood City** is a pre-certed UK VHS released by Thorn EMI Video on October 1981.

## Description

In recent years some of the very best science-fiction novels, from writers such as Philip José Farmer, have deliberately and successfully set out to dazzle the reader with the sustained complexity of their ideas. For a while the cinema lagged behind, relying on a simple story, some ray guns and a variety of monsters to amuse its audiences. The early Seventies, however, saw a change of pace, with film-makers becoming emboldened to produce such ingenious constructions as Westworld for the entertainment of their sophisticated viewers. The plot of Welcome to Blood City is equally original. The central characters wake up to find themselves in a strange deserted land. They have vague memories of a previous life, but soon find themselves in the midst of a brutal slave society, which appears to be based on a crude reinterpretation of the Wild West, in a place called 'Blood City'. At its centre is the smiling, demonic Sheriff Frendlander, played by Jack Palance in a parody of his previous role as the brutal hired gun in Shane. This is the first truly cinematic clue that all is not as it seems in 'Blood City': movie audience may recall that in Westworld, Yul Brynner played a Yul Brynner robot programmed to perform Brynner's role in The Magnificent Seven! But, without giving anything away, Blood City is not just a remake of Westworld and Palance is no robot. Instead it gradually becomes clear that everyone in this distorted human society is being tested by an outside force. And as we become aware of the sinister computer games being played behind the scenes, the plot takes on a nightmarish quality as it explores the twin themes of manipulation and predestiny. Welcome to Blood City is certainly one of the most ambitious science-fiction movies made under the auspices of a British studio (it's an Anglo-Canadian production). And it should come as a real filip to those legions of fans who yearn for the return of that remarkable TV series The Prisoner. DAVID PIRIE

## Cast

* Jack Palance as Frendlander
* Keir Dullea as Lewis
* Samantha Eggar as Katherine
* Barry Morse as Supervisor
* Hollis McLaren as Martine
* Chris Wiggins as Gellor
Episode 50: Bishops & Bombs

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*In which a plan is hatched, a new ally found and something forgotten returns.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the turbulent waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Gilding the Lily” Bellekom
* Sam “Griddling the Lily” Burns
* Ellie “Girding the Loins” Sparrow

## Ending Song

We hope to enlist divine aid

With a crude holy hand grenade

But don't forget when you attack

Finish the dead or they’ll come back
Episode 94: Music & Mirrels

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*In which a reunion occurs.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "Social Distancing” Bellekom
* Sam “Antisocial Closeness” Burns
* Ellie "Socialist Fish Dancing” Sparrow

## Ending Song

At last my love has found her swain

To bring them home's all that remains

He's found at last and now they're free

Who knows what will become of me
Episode 6: Sharks & Sweetmeats

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*Our party brave the seas aboard the good skiff Kipper, indulge themselves in confectioneries and engage in a spot of reverse-fishing.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the increasingly murderous waters of  Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Ballista” Bellekom
* Sam “Shotgun” Burns
* Ellie “Elephant Gun” Sparrow

## Ending Song

Some like chocolate as a treat,

But sharks, they much prefer fresh meat

When weather’s worse than overcast,

The rain might bring ghosts of the past
Episode 57: Escalation & Endings

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*It’s time.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "To Be or Not to Be” Bellekom
* Sam “Is That a Dagger I See Before Me” Burns
* Ellie “Hey Nonny Nonny” Sparrow

## Ending Song

You wrought my life with grief and wrath

You started me out on this path

But now your story’s done, I sigh

I’m finally free and that’s no lie

So gather your muskets, gather your spears

Break chains on the shores of Calcinea

No kraken, storm nor her to fear,

I’ll sail again with you my dears
Bonus Content: I'll Hold the Light (Reprise)

A reprise of I'll Hold the Light

 © Jason Phelps 2019.

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## Lyrics

It’s been so long, here in the dark

Following the voyage you embarked

It’s been so cold, beyond the sun

Waiting for a sign to come

And I never thought I’d see the day

Amid this endless night

But for all the years without you

I held the light

You were kind, amidst the pain

From a place of sunshine, wind and rain

You gave me hope that there was more

You gave me something to hope for

Yet that hope was dashed when you were

And the world no longer bright

But I found a drive to carry on

I held the light

Oh there’s a place, beyond this war

That I couldn’t see anymore

You’re in a place where fighting’s done

Where one day I swore I would come

But when I was ready for that place

I felt a spark ignite

When the time came I was needed

I held the light

I kept my word, my work was done

But you said “Go, see the sun”

I could have stayed, I couldn’t wait

To be with you, oh welcome fate

Now there’s others still who need me

Up in the sun’s warm light

But as long as you will walk with me

I’ll hold the light
Episode 38: Scrying & Seahorses

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*In which Scamp creates marine life, after a fashion, and important truths are learnt.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Tastiest Tortle” Bellekom
* Sam “Slinkiest Shifter” Burns
* Ellie “Bolshiest Bugbear” Sparrow

## Ending Song

The truth hurts like a burning brand

Guilt weighs more than you can stand

Some scars you bear until you die

But up here life isn’t a lie
Bonus Content: Whisky Johnny

A fun variation on a classic sea shanty sang by Celestia & Fiti

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## Lyrics

Oh, whiskey is the life of man

Whiskey Johnny

I drink whiskey when I can

Whiskey for my Johnny-o

I drink it hot, I drink it cold

Whiskey Johnny

I drink it new, I drink it old

Whiskey for my Johnny-o

When I was drinking in a bar

Whiskey Johnny

I laid my eyes on a fallen star

Whiskey for my Johnny-o

I got the news I lost my light

Whiskey Johnny

And he invited me to fight

Whiskey for my Johnny-o

Now I’d had whiskey for my lunch

Whiskey Johnny

And so I laid a mighty punch

Whiskey for my Johnny-o

I downed my whiskey, drain my glass

Whiskey Johnny

And then I kicked his tiny arse

Whiskey for my Johnny-o

Now whiskey left me on the floor

Whiskey Johnny

And so of course I drank some more

Whiskey for my Johnny-o

I knocked him down like a fallen tree

Whiskey Johnny

And then he kicked me in the knee

Whiskey for my Johnny-o

Well whiskey made me soil my clothes

Whiskey Johnny

And whiskey’s how she broke my nose

Whiskey for my Johnny-o

The fight done I began to snore

Whiskey Johnny

And when I woke I drank some more

Whiskey for my Johnny-o
Episode 17: Regrets & Revelations

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*In the wake of a shocking revelation, one of the party unburdens themselves of the weight of the past.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the turbulent waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Rollicking Randy Dandyo” Bellekom
* Sam “Trolloping Tandy Andyo”  Burns
* Ellie “Bollocking Brandy Mandyo” Sparrow

## Ending Song

I didn’t always drift alone

Before the storm consumed my home

I’ll sail the world and seek it’s end

But now I’ll journey on with friends
Bonus Content: The Vomit Song

The Vomit Song was written by Jason Phelps

The Vomit Song is an in-world song written by Celestia Stardust. It was first mentioned in Episode 2 of Flintlocks and Fireballs.

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## Lyrics

Now jolly lads, hear what I say

If you will sail the sea

You’ll need strong guts or else the tide

Will made their contents quite free

Keep your eye on the horizon

That’s what they always say

But up comes the vomit like poison

When the horizon starts to sway

Swabbing the deck, rigging the sails

As the ship lurches about

You’ve just cleaned the deck when up come the surge

Ready to clean you out

Keep your eye on the horizon

That’s what they always say

But up comes the vomit like poison

When the horizon starts to sway

Now grizzled old mates, veterans of year

Will swear that it’s long past them by

But when their on land, deep in their cups

They’ll vomit up all of their pride

Keep your eye on the horizon

That’s what they always say

But up comes the vomit like poison

When the horizon starts to sway
Bonus Content: Milk the Cow!

A song about the dangers of drink and dairy farming.

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## Lyrics

If you set out to milk a cow the best time is a dawn

It’s best to do in it the light and with your glasses on

You’ll want to be a sober lad and not like Farmer John

Went out blind drunk at midnight and it left him quite forlorn

Milk the cow, milk the cow

Put your glasses on

‘Cause what your milking not a cow and milking that’s just wrong

Well, Farmer John went a’milking along the creek so fair

He saw his own reflection, thought ‘no that’s my cow right there’

He reached into the water, grab something down in the sand

He tried his best to milk an eel, it bit him in the hand

Milk the cow, milk the cow

Put your glasses on

‘Cause what your milking not a cow and milking that’s just wrong

Well, Farmer John went a’milking upon the village green

He stumbled drunk into the church to milk what could be seen

He found something long and hanging and grabbed it, “what the ‘ell”

He woke up all the parish as he milked the church’s bell

Milk the cow, milk the cow

Put your glasses on

‘Cause what your milking not a cow and milking that’s just wrong

Well, Farmer John went a’milking into a privet hedge

He saw what he thought was a cow upon a window ledge

But when he started stroking it, he howled to the pines

For what he thought was an udder was full of cactus spines

Milk the cow, milk the cow

Put your glasses on

‘Cause what your milking not a cow and milking that’s just wrong

Well, Farmer John went a’milking, he can’t believe his eyes

A paddock of four-legged beasts, at last he’s found his prize

Now very little milk comes out, no matter how he pulls

He only fills a quarter pail because he’s milking bulls

Milk the cow, milk the cow

Put your glasses on

‘Cause what your milking not a cow and milking that’s just wrong

Well, Farmer John went a’milking into the city hall

The cow gave up a lot of milk from one udder quite small

Now John thought there was something odd when the cow said “Please more”

For when he walked off with his pail, he’d milked the town mayor

Milk the cow, milk the cow

Put your glasses on

‘Cause what your milking not a cow and milking that’s just wrong

Well, Farmer John went a’milking upon his milking stool

And all the cows are lining up to be milked by this fool

And after they fill up his pail those cows leave with a sigh

But the next day no village man can look him in the eye

Milk the cow, milk the cow

Put your glasses on

‘Cause what your milking not a cow and milking that’s just wrong
Episode 40: Plans & Psychedelics

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*In which a heist is planned with the assistance of our good friend and companion Reginald.*

## Introductions

Where a band of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Ham Sandwich” Bellekom
* Sam “Jam Sandwich” Burns
* Ellie “Jammed Sandwich” Sparrow

## Ending Song

We’ll make a plan, we’ll pull a heist

With our friend Reginald’s advice

I’ve been here with you from the start

With wise words and a friendly heart
Episode 85: Violence and Victory

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*In which the party arrives on Pirate Island.*

Episode CW: Unexpected angry outburst from a character acting in a parental capacity.

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "General Election” Bellekom
* Sam “General Erection” Burns
* Ellie "One Direction” Sparrow

## Ending Song

The past may pour out like a flood

But friendship's thicker than mere blood

I've found a family, why have kin

Who's openly flayed someone's skin
Visions of the Future and the Past

## Visions of the Future

[DATE] where the Scarlet Wind fleet, alongside "Ironskin" vessels, is sunk by the Kraken.

In 1914, a platoon from the Second Empire of the Flame investigates the ruins of a temple within the forest of Meedmeer (Episode 73).

In 2300, the city of Uttu in the Underdark remains abandoned and scoured by both collapse and warfare (Episode 87).

## The End of the World

We have three dates for the end of the world so far:

[DATE] where at least one (hypothesised by knowledgeable listeners) nuclear bomb destroys the world. This is found to be linked to an ancestor of the Gremanis and the party avert this future.

1973 where a goblin from Haldanos commits a shadow bomb attack against Cayonne (Episode 87).

1997 where the world is ended by a pandemic carried by birds. This one is told to Celestia by Marlin Brandy whilst she is inhabiting Bloodbeard Brandy's body during an accidental release of the built up charges of the Eye of the Storm.
Episode 88: Chocolate & Charades

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*In which the party pays a very brief visit to Chocolate Town.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "Two Fat Ladies” Bellekom
* Sam “Two Tiny Snowmen” Burns
* Ellie "The Stay-puff Marshmallow Man's Clone” Sparrow

## Ending Song

Our heist went off without a hitch

Except our friend's seven day switch

And if we need more cause to frown

There were no sweets in chocolate town
Flintlocks & Fireballs Wiki

## Welcome to the Wiki

Welcome to the Flintlocks & Fireballs Wiki! A place for us to gather the various trivia, info and connections we can glean from Flintlocks & Fireballs

WARNING: This is NOT a spoiler free zone!

## Flintlocks & Fireballs

Muskets! Spells! Beards! This British 5E D&D podcast has it all! Follow the adventures of four mad voice actors and three would-be privateers across the shores of Calcinea, a Napoleonic world full of dungeons, dragons, flintlocks and fireballs!

Find out more about them and get episodes at: flintlocksandfireballs.com
Bonus Content: Come to the Silken Sail!

Come to the Silken Sail!  It’s the best whorehouse in town!

Written by Jason Phelps

Listen here

## Lyrics

Come and shed your worries,

Come and shed your cares

There’s a place that you can shrug it off,

With lacy underwear

You’ll smile at all the girls and boys,

We promise without fail

So come in from the darkness and come to the Silken Sail

Well, city life is stressful life,

And work can get you down

But here we’ve got a secret cure,

To wipe away that frown

With finest food and strongest wine,

You’ll soon forget your chores

And while your staying with us don’t forget about the whores

Come and shed your worries,

Come and shed your cares

There’s a place that you can shrug it off,

With lacy underwear

You’ll smile at all the girls and boys,

We promise without fail

So come in from the darkness and come to the Silken Sail

Now, Betty’s our most beautiful,
Shines like a diamond ring

Pierre is good with backrubs,

And with rubbing other things

Grisha’s got such muscled arms,

From long hours digging wells

And if none of that to your taste, there’s always our sheep Bell

Come and shed your worries,

Come and shed your cares

There’s a place that you can shrug it off,

With lacy underwear

You’ll smile at all the girls and boys,

We promise without fail

So come in from the darkness and come to the Silken Sail
Main Episodes

### **Chapter 1: New Shipmates**

A halfling sailor, a drow bard and an adult dwarf who is absolutely not a sorcerer walk into a bar…

Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4

### **Chapter 2: Slavitska's Isle**

The ghosts of the past lie waiting on a long-abandoned isle.

### **Chapter 3: Shadows of Crosswater**

In a new city the shipmates find new friends, dirty jobs and a terrible threat waiting to be unleashed.

### **Chapter 4: The Wailing Sickness**

A long-awaited family reunion is marred by the consequences of past choices.

Episode 21 | Episode 22 | Episode 23 | Episode 24

### **Chapter 5: Into the Woods**

﻿Our shipmates journey into dark, forgotten places where the past marches on, undaunted by the present.﻿

### **Chapter 6: Jimothy!**

In our quiet town, we’ve a cure for your frowns, a place for the weary to stay!

Episode 31

### **Chapter 7: Eve of Revolution**

The shipmates are thrust into the heart of a land torn by famine, upheaval and the bitterness of long oppression. Something’s got to break.

### **Chapter 8: Ships & Skulduggery**

Our shipmates begin the search for the mysterious Fingersnap and uncover a chain of disappearances.

Episode 42 | Episode 43 | Episode 44

### **Chapter 9: Foreshadows**

In a city ruined by the storm, pockets of the living stand against the unnumbered dead.

### **Chapter 10: The Hounds of Treachery**

Beyond the town of Treachery, the course of fate will change.

### **Chapter 11: Deeds & Diplomacy**

With war looming to the north, our shipmates are sent south to broker peace.

### **Chapter 12: Going Under**

With the treaty ready to be signed to end one conflict, another rises from the past.

### **Chapter 13: Trust**

The revolution stands at a crossroads between compromise and calamity.

Episode 74 | Episode 75 | Episode 76 | Episode 77

### **Chapter 14: Solace & Shipbuilding**

In the wake of revolution, our shipmates set about the funding and crewing of a new ship.

### **Chapter 15: To The Sea**

The Krakensbane sets sail and the party leave Jova to seek out new adventures on the continent of Sunder.

### **Chapter 16: The Thirteen Colonies**

Wealth, conspiracy and liberty converge. Quite a lot of tea is spoiled.
Episode 44: Tears & Thresholds

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*In which a moral horizon is touched on.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Bedknobs and Broomsticks” Bellekom
* Sam “Redknobs and Broomsticks” Burns
* Ellie “Redknobs and Boomsticks” Sparrow

## Ending Song

The dead outnumber living blood

Within the wake of the storm’s flood

You stand upon the monster’s brink

When you enslave those that can think
Bonus Content: Weaver’s Word

A song about the industrialisation of the textiles industry. More fun than it sounds!

Written by Jason Phelps

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## Lyrics

My father owned this loom,

His father’s pride and joy

He taught me how to weave,

When I was but a boy

The weft across the warp,

The shuttle passing by

And here within my home,

I watch my living die

The willowing, the carding,

My wife, she combs the wool

My lad, he takes the spinning wheel,

For yarn upon my tool

We lived this way for centuries,

But it just couldn’t last

It’s all done now in factories,

We’re doomed now to the past

Wake up cold in a tiny room,

All I can dream of is that loom

Empty belly, not enough to eat,

White drives life to the steam-pumps beat

No one hears the weaver’s word,

Weaver’s word

Weaver’s word

Too much noise to hear your words,

In the factories

Foreman works you like a slave,

Drives you to an early grave

All the heart of a burning brand,

Works you more than you can stand

In that mill house night and day,

Night and day

Night and day

Never see the light of day,

In the factories

Kids always have lots of work,

Beat you if they see you shirk

Make you crawl where you can’t stand,

All fun ‘til you lose a hand

Always work here for a child,

For a child

For a child

It’s no place here for a child,

In the factories

Leaves your blood burning with wroth,

Blood’s the price paid for cheap cloth

But you’ve got to stand this rot,

They break strikes with hot grapeshot

Someday soon this all will end

All will end

All will end

Someday soon this has to end,

In the factories
Bonus Content: Off To Sea

Get married instead and spend all night in bed, and go to sea no more.

Listen here

## Real World History

A traditional sea shanty that can be traced back to the english merchant navy

## Lyrics

When first I landed in Crosswater, I went upon a spree

With money at last, I spent it fast, I got drunk as drunk could be

But when my money was all gone, it was then I wanted more

But a man must be blind to make up his mind and go to sea once more

Once more, once more, go to sea once more

But a man must be blind to make up his mind to go to sea once more

And as I walked down Brighthall road, I met with a man of town

I asked him if he’d take me in and he looked at me with a frown

He said last time you was paid off with me you could no score

But I'll give you a chance and I'll take your advance and I'll send you to sea once more

Once more, once more, go to sea once more

But I'll give you a chance and I'll take your advance and I'll send you to sea once more

I shipped on board of a whaling barge, we were bound for the Meadmere seas

Where cold winds blow through frost and snow and medina rum would freeze

But worse to bear, I'd no hard weather gear for I'd spent all money on shore

It was then that I wished that I was dead and could go to sea no more

No more, no more, go to sea no more

It was then that I wished that I was dead and could go to sea no more

Sometimes we’re catching whales me lads, sometimes we’re catching none,

With a 20ft oar stuck in your paw from 4 o’clock in the morn

And as the shades of night roll on, and you rest on your weary oar,

It was then that i wished that i was dead and could go to sea no more

No more, no more, go to sea no more

It was then that I wished that I was dead and could go to sea no more

So come all you hard weather sailing lads, who listen to my song

When you back from those long trips, I'll have you not go wrong

Take my advice, drink no strong drink, don't you knock on that brothel door

But get married instead and spend all night in bed and go to sea no more

No more, no more, go to sea no more

But get married instead and spend all night in bed and go to sea no more

No more, no more, go to sea no more

But get married instead and spend all night in bed and go to sea no more
Episode 27: Skulls & Sloth

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*In which the party engage a most sedentary foe.*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the mysterious death-strewn pyramids of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Rumplestiltskin” Bellekom
* Sam “Crumpingstiltskin” Burns
* Ellie “Elephant Stiliting” Sparrow

## Ending Song

Though you can’t tell your friend from foe,

With fiery breath we’ll overthrow

Your pack’s too small, there's too much loot,

You may still get a gift gimp suit
Episode 2: Hangmen and Harris Hawks

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*In the sleepy port town of Scarroll's Cove, three strangers are brought together by chance, fate and the lack of seating space in a cramped bar. When privateer (not a pirate!) halfling Corzin Horhace, drow bard Celestia Stardust and mysterious bearded stranger Scamp become aware of a series of brutal murders, danger lies overhead...*

## Introductions

Where a handful of desperately insane actors will attempt to nativage the murky waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as always, by;

* Robbie “The Owl” Bellekom
* Sam “The Blade” Burns
* Ellie “The Sparrow” Sparrow

## Ending Song

A feral creature’s on the loose,

We’ll need our wits to slip the noose

The sea is rough, our bodies tossed,

At least we’ve not been carried off
Episode 37: Disaster & Destiny

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*In which everything goes wrong.*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My” Bellekom
* Sam “Cockerels and Cockatrices and Cyclops, Oh My” Burns
* Ellie “Flumps and Glumps and Diddilydumps, Oh My” Sparrow

## Ending Song

The storm has come back from the past

Now others fall before its wrath

We’ll strive against the rising tide

Until the day that storm can die
Episode 76: Crisis & Conversation

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*In which Scamp has a religious experience.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "End of Line” Bellekom
* Sam “End of Time” Burns
* Ellie "End of a Line” Sparrow

Alternate Names:

* Robbie "End of the Line” Bellekom
* Sam “End of Time” Burns
* Ellie "End of All Limes" Sparrow

(names by @Spicy\_Beauritos on twitter)

## Ending Song

I tried to stop a fight before,

By Regent's word I sparked a war.

If prayer might work then I confess,

I'll do whate'er to fix this mess.
Episode 35: Bastards & Breakouts

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*In which the party attempts a smooth, non-combat jailbreak.*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous depths of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Ferdinand Magellan” Bellekom
* Sam “Vasco da Gama” Burns
* Ellie “Dora the Explorer” Sparrow

## Ending Song

To free a friend into hazard

Escape the storm of that bastard

Scrawl some words into the sky

Rise revolution’s flag high
Bonus Content: Red Haired Molly

A song for Corzin and Molly Horhace

© Jason Phelps 2020.

Listen here

## Lyrics

Oh have you seen red-haired Moll?

She’s quite the glint to her eye

It’s as sharp as the blade that she keeps at her belt

And for some it’s the last thing they see before they-

Dying to meet that red haired girl

To get beneath her skin

I’d cook her meals and clean her rug

If she would let me in

Two, three, four

Let me tell you all about red haired Molly

Never seen a girl like her, gosh golly!

She’s the brass-knuckled, steel-nerved apple of my eye!

And I won’t be the last to commit this folly,

To try and win the heart of red haired Molly,

But you can bet your arse I’m gonna try!

Well there’s plenty guys and gals tried to pick a fight,

Or to get between her sheets

But she’s shot enough hearts and punched enough lights

And turned people down to beat!

But there’s kindness to surprise ya

From the heart of such a sniper

And to know her ‘s just a treat!

Well I don’t know why she thinks it

But I won't go question kismet

‘Cause she thinks I'm rather sweet!

So, let me tell you all about red haired Molly!

Can’t believe she took me in, oh gosh golly!

She’s the brass knuckled, steel nerved apple of my eye!

And I’ll spend my life carrying on this folly

To try and keep the heart of red haired Molly

'Cause having it just makes me want to fly!

Well, I had always promised that we’d sail off to sea

To seek our fortunes out upon the blue, just her and me

But plans can change in a heartbeat, so unexpectedly

When the two of us found we had become three

So, let me tell you all about red haired Molly

Mother of my child, oh gosh golly

They’re the brass knuckled, steel nerved apple of our eyes

And there’s not a day that I regret the folly

Of winning the heart of red haired Molly

And I’ll stand by her until the day I die!

One, two, three, four!

Let me tell you all about red haired Molly

Brought me to my knees, oh my gosh golly!

She’s the brass knuckled, steel nerved apple of my eye!

And if she’ll take my ring and join me in this folly

And let me be married to red haired Molly

I’ll cherish it more than the sea and sky!

I’ll cherish her more than the sea and sky.
Bonus Content: Ballad of Barnacle Point

A song sung by Wisdom back in Episode 12

Written by Jason Phelps

Listen here

## Lyrics

Oh, I knew my love since the day I was born

On the edge of the Southern Jade Sea

With towers and burrows for tall and for small

Like a jewel upon the green

As I think of my love in the days she was well

In the days when storms were few

I hold in my heart her sight and her smell

Though these days my heart is mute

I'd sit on her lap and cast out my line

And she'd hand me the coastline's bounty

In the evening I'd enter her welcoming arms

And with friends share a bottle or three

As I think of my love with her arms stretched out wide

When the storms were but scattered and thin

I hold in my heart her joy like the tide

Though my heart lets no further joy in

In my love's last months she stood tall and proud

No others her love could contend

But on the horizon there loomed the dark clouds

That promised to bring her end

As I think of my love in the last summer nights

In the days when the storms gathered close

I hold in my heart her willpower to fight

Though my heart is now battered and broke

When the storm struck my love she struggled and fought

Against thunder and gales and claws

Her streets flooded with horrors, destruction was wrought

As we railed against the storm

As I think of my love in the fight for her life

When the storm sought to tear her in twain

I hold in my heart her strength like a knife

Though my heart was long gutted by pain

My love fought off terrors and beasts and the sky

'Til the sea itself started to part

The storm called the lightning with a baleful eye

And tore out my lover's heart

As I think of my love in her moment of death

When the storm dealt the killing blow

I hold in my heart my love's final breath

Though my heart is now silent as stone

Oh, I knew my love since the day I was born

And I knelt in her watery bones

The storm took her life and then it was gone

And left me forever alone

As I think of my love now I sail from her grave

For the storm took my hope and my home

I hold in my heart everything I could save

So my heart will never be alone
Episode 66: Crossings & Canals

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*In which the chase is on.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous cavern systems of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Witchcraft” Bellekom
* Sam “Which Raft” Burns
* Ellie “Sandwich Shaft” Sparrow

## Ending Song

We race across a frenzied field

Of death and danger, threats quite real

While those we seek are trapped below

We race ahead, their fates to know
Episode 69: Sex & Stabbings

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*a.k.a. Tsabnet’s Day Out.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous depths of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Two Fat Babies 88” Bellekom
* Sam “Torquay and Devon 87” Burns
* Ellie “Favorite of Mine 69” Sparrow

## Ending Song

Sweet talked a man, left his knees weak

Then stabbed him twice, well, so to speak

I’m on the run, things aren’t quite fine

This curse number sixty-nine
Bonus Content: We’re Pirates Now

New ship, new crew, new job title, same job description - © Ellie Sparrow 2019.

Listen here

## Lyrics

We’ve been skirting ‘round the issue

For quite a long time now

But then our privateer ship sunk

And we’re actual pirates now

We’re pirates now

We’re pirates now

We’re actual pirates now

In this last year we were privateers

But we’re actual pirates now

My friend’s wife going to kill him

On the day that she finds out

She’ll hang his balls up in her halls

‘Cause we’re very much pirates now

We’re pirates now

We’re pirates now

We’re actual pirates now

In this last year we were privateers

But we’re actual pirates now

We have a child with us

Is that even allowed?

Well, either way I cannot say

We’re still fucking pirates now

We’re pirates now

We’re pirates now

We’re actual pirates now

In this last year we were privateers

But we’re actual pirates now

We’ll be freeing slaves now

Even though I am a drow

I’m not sure how this happened

But I’m glad that we’re pirates now

We’re pirates now

We’re pirates now

We’re actual pirates now

In this last year we were privateers

But we’re;

Slave-Freeing

Sword-Thrusting

Gun-Firing

Song-Singing

Swashbuckling

Rum-Drinking

Pirates now
Episode 99: Barbers & Brothels

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*In which the party come to Newmark to find new friends and an old foe.*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "*Furious Passion*” Bellekom
* Sam “*Undeniable Lust*” Burns
* Ellie "Kinda Horny but Can't be Bothered to do Anything About It” Sparrow

## Ending Song

From Five Friar Streets to Portland Park

There's crime and violence in Newmark

There's passion too when all is said

To raise your spirits and the dead
Episode 97: Turncoats & Tales

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*In which the party negotiate with unlikely allies.*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "I am the Eggman” Bellekom
* Sam “They are the Eggmen” Burns
* Ellie "I am Doctor Eggman Otherwise Known as Doctor Robotnik in the English Translations, the Archnemesis of Sonic the Hedgehog” Sparrow

## Ending Song

Now my life has been pretty strange

I've lived through things to give you mange

But back and forth through time to see

There's stranger things about those three
Episode 83: Pirates & Priorities

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*In which the party find themselves on stranger tides.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "Gith” Bellekom
* Sam “Gif” Burns
* Ellie "Sniff” Sparrow

## Ending Song

There's pretty strange stuff on the sea

Like living a Norrit story

But when you've chance to make a change

Then damn the plan, let's break some chains
Episode 58: Memory & Magic

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*In which Scamp raises a middle finger to the laws of physics.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Ding Dong” Bellekom
* Sam “The Witch” Burns
* Ellie “Is Dead” Sparrow

## Ending Song

Long way to go, well not for me

I’ll tear straight through reality

Everything’s fine, we’ll have a blast

No need to look into the past
Episode 60: Perfumes & Preparations

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*In which the party go shopping behind enemy lines.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “The Unrelenting Stone” Bellekom
* Sam “The Churning Waves” Burns
* Ellie “The Cleansing Fire” Sparrow

(names submitted by @DarkestArgentum on Twitter)

## Ending Song

We’ve crossed beyond the battle’s end

To treat the lion in her den

Though perfume’s bought and sword’s repaired

No magic can help us prepare
Bonus Content: Break the Wheel

A song about breaking cycles.
CW: Inherited Trauma

© Jason Phelps 2019.

Listen here

## Lyrics

The wheel

It turns

It brings it all around

And when you’re starting out

Then it will crush you to the ground

The wheel

It turns

When you come out of the mud

You rise up to the top of it

But you can’t escape the rut

Ten thousand years ago there was some prick who set it off

Who started the wheel turning

Dragged us all into its trough

Whether blows to break your bones

Or words your soul to cut

The pain you feel is pressed to the wheel

And you can’t escape the rut

No one ever said it should be easy

Don’t you know, kid, life just isn't fair

If you want to stand up tall

You've got to make someone else small

Or you're gonna have to face all your despair

And there’s always hopes to trample

Fears to mock

And dreams to steal

Do what I do and you'll end up

Right on top of that old wheel

Everything that you've received

You’ll pay it back with dividends

And the pain will drive the wheel

And the cycle never ends

The wheel (The wheel)

It turns (It turns)

From parent down to child

From master to apprentice

There’s a cruelty gone wild

The wheel (The wheel)

It turns (It turns)

From rage and fear its cut

The ones who pushed or ones who

But they can't escape the rut

No ones saying that it will be easy

No one ever said that it was fair

When you look into their gaze

Recall you once stood in their place

And the wheel will doom them to the same despair

You’ll never get back everything

The wheel took from you

But crushing or depriving them

Will only doom them too

Are we only pushing at the wheel

Cause we know nothing else

Someone has to break it

And if not us then who else

Break the wheel

Be brave

There’s no one else who can save us

Break the wheel

Let it seize

It's the only way we’ll find peace

You don’t have to forgive

I won’t ask you to forget

We won’t pretend it didn’t happen

There’ll always be regrets

Be kind

And stop the wheel

Be the change you want to see

And the ones who follow after us

We’ll show how to be free
Episode 24: Recovery & Regret

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*In which the party take an unexpected detour.*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the turbulent waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Iron Chef” Bellekom
* Sam “Steel Sous Chef” Burns
* Ellie “Bronze Patissiere” Sparrow

## Ending Song

I stepped on deck when but a boy,

I lived a life of fierce joy

Though I go down now to the sea,

Raise a glass, remember me
Bonus Content: The Halfling Rover

The Irish Rover, rewritten for Calcinea

Listen here

## Lyrics

On the Fourth of Full Boughs, 1786

We set sail from the sweet Cove of Arc

We were sailing away with a cargo of bricks

For the Grand City Hall in Newmark

'Twas a wonderful craft

She was rigged fore and aft

And oh, how the wild wind drove her

She stood several blasts

She had twenty seven masts

And they called her The Halfling Rover

We had one million bags of the best Caernese rags

We had two million barrels of stones

We had three million sides of old blind horses hides

We had four million barrels of bones

We had five million hogs

Six million dogs

Seven million barrels of porter

We had eight million bales of old nanny-goats' tails

In the hold of the Halfling Rover

There was awl Mickey Coote

Who played hard on his flute

When the ladies lined up for a set

He was tootin' with skill

For each sparkling quadrille

Though the dancers were fluther'd and bet

With his smart witty talk

He was cock of the walk

And he rolled the dames under and over

They all knew at a glance

When he took up his stance

That he sailed in The Halfling Rover

There was Bessie MacKath

From the banks of the Dove

There was Logan from Merry Old Stone

There was Jenny McGurk

Who was scared stiff of work

And a man from Westmare called Malone

There was Slugger O'Toole

Who was drunk as a rule

And fighting young Tracy from Clover

And your girl, Mama Curl

From the banks of the Churl

Was the skipper of the Halfling Rover

We had sailed seven years

When the measles broke out

And the ship lost its way in the fog

And that whale of a crew

Was reduced down to two

Just myself and the Captain's old dog

Then the ship struck a rock

Oh cock! what a shock

The bulkhead was turned right over

Turned nine times around

And the poor old dog was drowned

I’m the last of The Halfling Rover
Bonus Content: Go Away

A simple, blunt message.

© Jason Phelps 2019.

Listen here

## Lyrics

Go away (Go away)

Please go away (Please go away)

Don’t get me wrong it’s not that I can’t stay (Just go away)

It’s just that I can’t stand the sight of you, I wish that you were gone

So go away (Go)

Farewell (Go)

So long (Go away)

Please take a note (Please go away)

From my refrain (Just go away)

And understand your presence brings me pain (You are a pain)

You’re like the sand inside an oyster; If you’d go you’d be a pearl

So go away (Go)

Don't make (Go)

Me hurl (Go away)

And if you think my words are rude,

Well I don't mean to intrude (I don’t)

Cause this space was mine right from the start (Why are you here)

You're the one up in my face

Trying to give me your disgrace

So take this message right into your heart (Do you have one)

Go away (Please go away)

Please go away (Just go away)

If you’d fuck off then you would make my day (You really would)

Escort yourself right off the premises

The door's right over there

So go away (Please)

Get out of my hair (Fuck off)

Cause I don't have the spoons

And I just don't give a fork

To tolerate your whining and disdain (No cutlery)

You’re not the centre of the world

Your presence just makes my hair curl

I don't owe you attention or my pain (Cause you're a twat)

So go away (Go away)

Please go away (Get the message)

You wont get pity hate I just won’t play (Really fuck off)

Cause I've got better things to do than sit here singing you this song

So go away

Farewell,

So long
Bonus Content: Bastard Fish

A song about some very nasty fish sung by Celestia Stardust

Listen here

## Lyrics

Bastard fish, bastard fish

To eat you is their wish

When you went out upon your boat

You weren’t expecting this

Bastard fish, bastard fish

They treat you like a dish

Reverse fishing is their joy

And you have topped their list

You’d thought you have a jolly time

Out fishing with your chums

But bastard fish coming calling

You’ll soon calling for your mums

With rows and rows of gnashing teeth

Your life they will finish

Your only hope is to escape those dreadful bastard fish

Bastard fish, bastard fish

To eat you is their wish

When you went out upon your boat

You weren’t expecting this

Bastard fish, bastard fish

They treat you like a dish

Reverse fishing is their joy

And you have topped their list

Whether you lay traps or netting

To catch in the sea

Those bastard fish are canny

Their always breaking free

But can you escape their crushing jaw

They find you so delish

You’ll find yourself upon the menu of those bastard fish

Bastard fish, bastard fish

To eat you is their wish

When you went out upon your boat

You weren’t expecting this

Bastard fish, bastard fish

They treat you like a dish

Reverse fishing is their joy

And you have topped their list

If you're a seasoned sailor

Sea monsters you have slain

You might think you can beat them

But their sure to cause you pain

They’ll tear your ship to pieces with a splashing and a splish

And you’ll be at the mercy of those bastard, bastard fish
Bonus Content: Upsetting the Apple Wagon

This song was originally written by Liam the Bard (liamthomasdownes@gmail.com) and the original recording can be found here!

Listen here

## Lyrics

As I sailed Eastward, I landed in a town

And found myself in a tavern, as I had a good look round

In this tavern was a Tiefling, dressed up as a dwarf

A Dark Elf and a Halfling, who’s bare hand crushed a mug

So grab your flintlock, grab your flagon

Try not to upset the apple wagon

These three unlikely comrades, they did roam around the streets

After hearing rumours of some nefarious deeds

They couldn’t leave the port yet, for murder was afoot

So they took next to the rooftops in this unlucky neighbourhood

So grab your flintlock, grab your flagon

Try not to upset the apple wagon

The unfortunate Halfling, found a noose around his neck

Up on the slates above him was something already dead

With quick thinking and action, a pursuit began in haste

Straight after this creature, with a canabistic tastes

So grab your flintlock, grab your flagon

Try not to upset the apple wagon

After several mishaps, our friends came upon the lair

Of the ghoul who was the one giving the township quite a scare

They circumvented doggies and disabled some traps

And were greeted by some corpses that were nothing more than scraps

So grab your flintlock, grab your flagon

Try not to upset the apple wagon

A mighty combat followed, and the monster was dispatched

The guard was very thankful that our three helped in the catch

Now silver in their pockets, they could head right out to sea

Seeking fame and fortune, our fine adventures three

So grab your flintlock, grab your flagon

Try not to upset the apple wagon

So grab your flintlock, grab your flagon

Try not to upset the apple wagon