Mistletoe and Menorahs (GAM278)

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***Mistletoe & Menorahs*** (also known as ***A Merry Holiday***) is the story of the most boring human beings learning about extraordinarily basic holiday tropes that they somehow didn't know about until their early thirties.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, except when we're feeling retro.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love Christmas, but you were literally born yesterday, you will *love* this movie. This movie would be an excellent educational film for an easily offended alien.

### **Best Worst**

* Rachel: ...Jewish things written by non-Jews. [Those aren't latkes.]
* Noah: ...blatant metaphor for a romance between Eli and myself. [The coffee order alone…]
* Eli: ...bad boyfriend. [Not coming to pre-pre-Christmas Eve.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Rachel on her website, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and The Bash.

### **Jokes**

* [Rachel: So, I just want to point out, early on, that for anybody listening who doesn't know this: Hanukkah? Not a big deal holiday—no Jews give a flying fuck about Hanukkah—it's only blown up because of Christmas. The theme of the party just needa to be "blue and white", and *then* you get some chocolate coins. There, I did it guys: I just planned a Hanukkah party. And by the way, this isn't even her party! Why is she acting like she needs to plan stuff? She got invited like five minutes ago!] (19:10)
* [Rachel: Also, I would just like to interject here. Um… her dad? Looks like he is thirty-five, and he is *smokin'*.] [Eli: Aw, that's sad. Hey everybody, you should watch this movie to see who Rachel thinks a thirty-five year-old is. It explains a *lot*. This man is in his mid-sixties, and Rachel is like "Oooo, mommy like! Why don't you put that cane down so I can tell you what I want for Christmas, dad—I mean boyfriend—husband!"] [Rachel: Dude, can you stop looking though my PornHub? It's a huge invasion of my privacy.] (21:38)
* [Eli: Look, Noah and I have both worked at toy companies, and we've both had emergency situations…] [Rachel: As have *I*.] [Eli: I mean, Rachel, as the person who was technically your boss at that time…] [Rachel: Yup. Mmmhmm. Okay, I didn't *work*, but I was an *employee*.] [Eli: You were in the building and I signed a check with your name on it!] [Rachel: You *sure* did, buddy. I sold one or two toys in the three yearsI worked for you.] [Eli: It was *insane*.] [Rachel: I was so bad at it.] [Eli Here's the thing, when you get called in for an "emergency toy meeting", it is *not* because they want to work on your congressman or stockbroker action figures, it's because one of your employees was caught doing heroine in the break room.] [Rachel: Eli, don't talk about our friends like that.] [Noah: Or it's because everything that was just shipped over from China is *deadly* poisonous and we have to get it out of the stores quietly.] [Eli: It's on fire.] [Rachel: To be fair, I think at the companies we worked at, they were like "Everything's poisonous, so just make sure to not mention that when you're selling it to the parents."] [Noah: Make it sound like, you know, make it sound good. Like, call it "spicy." Say it's "spicy."] [Rachel: Yeah. "And if they ask you if it's poisonous, just say you have to go to the bathroom."] [Eli: Hey, that kid died before the lawsuit ended: that product is officially not poisonous.] [Noah: He doesn't even have standing. That's right.] [Eli: No. Standing. Whiny little bitch should have held out longer.] [Rachel: We're all going to hell.] [Eli: It's not an edible toy! It's his own fault. I don't want to get into it! I've rationalized…] (1:01:34)

### **Interstitials**

* *Mistletoe and Pepto-Bismol* (5:50)
* Dave vs. Kristi (Aw, Beans!) (45:05)
* Tony D's House of Bad Movie Boyfriends (1:13:53)

### **Tropes**

* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Nothing Happens
* Not Jewish Enough
* Wake Up!
* World Without Black People

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Warby Parker: Eli, What Happened to Your Glasses? (1:47:25)
* Manscaped [Code: Awful]: The Thicket of Horror Surrounding Your Balls (1:49:49)