DPDA Case No. 18

The 18th case of the DPDA was a shambolic operation carried out between the DPDA, the Claypan Gang and the West Grimsby Massive. The following case file is written by Tim Crescent.

## (What is the tale?) Forenoon Splendour

### Performers

Denzel PepperBernard Smith

Cecil Longstaff

Tim Crescent

Benjamin Sellars

Jacquees Higgins

Hugo Higgins

Jesse Johnstone

Victor Strongbow

Bradley Stevenson

Kai Koi

Eugene Koi

Darrah Koi

Dennis Paltrow

Stanley Powell

Jarbo

### Location

L.A.

It was the morning. I awoke from Denzel's couch, which is where I was living at the time. A figure appeared over me. Early 30s, bushy eyebrows, amazing hairline. I jumped up and kicked his nose. ''Fucking hell, cunt, what you do that for, man?'' he said in a smooth Mancunian accent. I tackled him to the ground as asked him who he was ''Get right the fuck off me pal, or I'm getting Jacquees.'' he said. Right then I realised the grave mistake I made. This man was in league with Jacquees Higgins (great salesman from the Manchester Branch of Cragglethorne Stationery). ''My name's Jesse Johnstone, g. Some call me Boneskull. Others call me Life-Man. Just take your pick, g.'' I knew I could trust him.

Me and Jesse went upstairs to Denzel's living room, where I saw Denzel chatting to some people. I identified two of them as Jacquees and Hugo Higgins, however I was not acquainted with the other two. They introduced themselves as Victor ''Vicky'' Strongbow and Bradley Stevenson. Bradley had amazing curly hair, reminding me of my hair two years back. Jacquees rose from the settee and proclaimed ''Ya'right, RKID? I'm Jacquees, the best fucking salesman in all of England, no disrespect to you, my friend.'' I was off-put by his ego for a second, however I soon fell head over heels for it. I noticed Hugo being a prick to the man with the lovely curls - Bradley. In fact, at one point Hugo knocked Bradley out, and claimed it was "It's all calm, man. Just a joke innit?"

Denzel explained to me that a couple of nights ago, the Claypans headquarters in Burnage were robbed and stripped of their drugs. They asked for our assistance, and we offered it to them. We took the five to our headquarters where Benjamin and Bernard were sat. Bernard was awestruck by the presence of the biblical Claypans and embraced Jacquees with a great big hug. I gave Benjamin the run-down of what was happening, whilst Denzel popped off to the local Morrissons to pick up Cecil and buy some Dr. Pepper.

Jacquees walked over to my weapons room, and was amazed by the fine weaponry I had. He saw my machete, my shotguns, my rifles, my automatic guns, but was attracted to my deadly tambourine. A weapon which looks non-threatening, however can cause damage to even the largest giant. He began throwing it around the office, and unfortunately struck Hugo's forehead. Jesse, Bradley and Victor looked terrified. Hugo jumped on Jacquees and began punching him, and punching him, and punching him. ''No fucker's gonna throw a fucking tambourine at me'' he declared. ''It were a fucking mistake, man, allow it, man'' bellowed Jacquees. ''SHUT UP YOU GREAT BIG DICKHEAD, MAN.'' Jacquees managed to push Hugo off of him, and got him into a strong headlock. Bernard ran in to split up the fight, and his gargantuan strength managed to stop the brothers from brawling.

Denzel marched back into the office, with Cecil and we briefed Cecil on the situation. Benjamin got to interviewing the Claypans on who could have possibly robbed them, and he managed to come to the conclusion that it was American unfashionable gang, ''Annie in Shackles.'' Bernard got to tracking down the gang with his technological prowess and soon discovered that a wanted ad had just gone up for the gang in Los Angeles. This was going to be no small operation, and we knew this. Bernard offered to pay for all our flight tickets, and Cecil contacted his gang up in Grimsby, as well as his cousins' gang. The two gangs drove down from Grimsby to London and we prepared to go to the airport.

We all met at the airport early in the morning. Me, Denzel and Jesse all arrived together, as we had a sleep-over at Denzel's crib. Hugo stayed with Bernard in his mansion, whilst Victor and Bradley stayed with Benjamin. The Kois and the West Grimsby Massive all arrived in a caravan, specifically Cecil's 1993 Dodge caravan which he had left up in Grimsby. Jarbo of the West Grimsby Massive kept declaring that he had a big surprise for us. Jacquees was very excited. We boarded the plane, and Jacquees, Jesse and Denzel got shitfaced on tequila. Denzel begged Jacquees to pour rum on him, and Jacquees complied. ''You're fucking crazy, you!'' shouted Jacquees. The stewardess complained that we were being too noisy, however Jacquees resolved the situation by knocking her out. People on the flight noticed, however were too scared to confront Jacquees. Cecil uncharacteristically slept throughout most of the plane ride. Denzel and Jacquees bonded over their love of salesmanship, and talked the flight away.

We landed in L.A. and we breathed the morning air. We immediately went to our hotel rooms, which is where Jarbo promised he'd finally unveil the surprise. ''I've done such a madness.'' declared Jarbo. He whipped out ten packs of powder and declared ''COCAINE FOR EVERYONE.'' We were all thrilled, and immediately lined up to take it. Jesse inhaled almost a full packet's worth, and was absolutely off his head. I sniffed an appropriate amount. Benjamin, however, was an expert on drugs, and after getting high shouted ''This isn't cocaine...this is crystal meth.'' We all started giggling. Denzel started jumping about and dancing, putting on a Barry White record. The entirety of the team were off their heads on meth, which put a damper on our operations. Benjamin, who was in charge of printing copies of the plans for each of us decided to write the plans instead. Most of the plans were horribly annotated, Denzel's in particular being notably awful. Most of our plans were different from each others, so we had no idea what we were doing.

Denzel's plan directed that he ambush the house of the leader of the gang who had robbed the claypans. He was supposed to do this alongside Hugo and Bernard, however the first step on their plan was to meet outside of a bar 23 miles away from the aforementioned house. Denzel marched to the house all alone, and broke down the door, where four large rough townie men stood in their American grunge aesthetic. Denzel threw up. ''You're a fucking ugly geezer, in't you?''

Meanwhile this was happening, Cecil was on a mad one. Before leaving our hotel room, he stated ''I can't decide whether to go to Hooters or the strip club. No matter what though I will drive at night in my red lamborghini and have a fun sex night.'' Cecil and Jesse ran out of the hotel room to the nearest Hooters. Needless to say, Cecil started a mad party. He ate yummy chicken wings, and break-danced on the floor of the Hooters, performing an elaborate 24 step routine. Jesse was greatly impressed, and pissed himself with laughter. A large grey spot formed on his white trousers. ''I've done a pissy wissy'' he declared.

In the hotel room, Bradley was uncontrollably laughing, which greatly annoyed Hugo, who once again punched him. ''You're a fucking ugly knob, ain't you?'' he stated. Hugo was greatly upset at the level of unprofessional attitude displayed. ''I was told the fucking DPDA were quality fucking detectives, you lot are fucking this up, man.'' he declared after inhaling some more crystal meth. Bernard was angered, so punched the wall, forming a massive hole.

Back at the home of the Annie in Shackles gang, Denzel attempted to begin a fight, however the gang were amused by Denzel's mental state. Denzel was not joking, and broke one of their noses with his cuban heel. The gang members were taken aback and angered by this. They all jumped on Denzel and nearly suffocated him with their sweat. ''bitch sweat'' Denzel repeatedly shouted.

Jacquees and I met with Cecil and Jesse at the Hooters. I brought two rifles with me, and we made our way to Club Bahia, which is where Hugo and Denzel were meant to lure Annie in Shackles. Suddenly, I got a phone call from Denzel. All I could hear was him shouting ''Bitch sweat.'' I knew he was in trouble. I sent Kai, Eugene, Darrah Koi and Jarbo to help Denzel. The Kois and Jarbo immediately ran to the leaders house, and got the gang off of Denzel. Darrah threw three gang members out of the window, fracturing several of their ribs in the process. Kai grabbed the leader and asked him where the Claypans' drugs were. The gang leader swore he'd never tell, however, Kai took out his knife and threatened to cut his nose off and eat it. The gang leader was terrified, so he conceded and declared that the drugs were hidden in a town house in downtown L.A.

Me, Jesse, Jacquees and Cecil set up camp in the club, and we received unexpected news that Hugo had boarded a plane and left L.A. Shit, we thought. Cecil performed acrobatics on the stage and kept screaming ''OH OH, AH AH, MORROCCO.'' Bernard, who had also arrived at the club was intensely humored by this. Jesse once again pissed himself and fell to his knees, laughing for a solid minute. I lent Jesse my rifle and he was absolutely ecstatic. Denzel also made his way down to the club, where chaos had erupted. The gangsters who attended the club were getting ready to batter us, however Denzel gave a fantastic karaoke performance of I Wanna Be Adored. Jacquees threw his tambourine at someone in the audience, and Jesse started firing the rifle. Benjamin, Stanley, Dennis and Victor were taking care of the incapacitated Bradley Stevenson back in the hotel room.