B009 Cragmaw Kerfuffle

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Kickstarterversary Retrospective (next Bonus)Release the Meat (next Lost Mines episode)

> "*Exit stage left, not pursued by a bear, but pursued by a sword.*"
> ― Arson Nicki
>
>

**Cragmaw Kerfuffle** is the ninth bonus episode of Queens of Adventure. Arson and Fraya make decisions about their next level up before starting the Lost Mines of Phandelver D&D adventure.

## Synopsis

### Level Up

Matt announces the queens are ready to level up to Level 5. They are going to walk Arson and Fraya through their choices for how their characters will grow.

#### Fraya

Fraya can now develop one more spell per long rest. For today's adventure she likes Detect Evil/Good. Matt asks her if she thinks her character is good or evil. Fraya thinks she is neutral, but not to the point of not taking any action. She just waits until she has more information. A detective cleric. Matt calls her a moral relativist. Matt tries to figure out what alignment Fraya is. They vacillate between Neutral Good and Chaotic Good, leaning towards Chaotic Good.

She also debates purify food/drink, which prompts Matt to realize they don't have them eat very often.

She also takes Ceremony. She can do one of six ceremonies: 1) Atonement 2) Create Holy Water. 3) Coming of Age 4) Dedication 5) Funeral 6) Wedding.

Other spells include Call Lightning and Sleet Storm. Turn undead becomes destroy undead.

### Arson

In addition to usual stat changes, Arson's pact weapon modifier and poison spray get stronger. Eldritch blast shoots twice now. She gets one new eldritch invocation, and chooses Eyes of the Runekeeper. She can read all writing. While other invocations could be more powerful in battle, this one rounds out the party, and other party members will likely gain more powerful skills this level up. Matt is slightly frustrated that they can't use encoded writing anymore.

She also learns one additional warlock spell and selects Blink, so she can travel to the ethereal plane. On the ethereal plane she can see and hear everything, but she can't interfere with things. It opens up new ways of handling situations and gives control she doesn't think she would have with lower level spells.

Arson unlearns cloud of daggers since she hasn't really used it, nor has as much control. Instead, she learns Vampiric Touch, since it has attack and healing elements. Plus, she either has max health, or next to nothing. Matt notes she is choosing things that can help the party in a lot of different ways.

#### Backgrounds, Hopes & Dreams

Matt asks Fraya what her clerical style is. She says she was born into it in Oceanica, but losing her powers led her to looking for a new way of life. Despite choosing to put a nunnery on Fire Island, she doesn't think she would end up at one. The wandering life brings her closer to Cher, as the goddess did a lot of traveling. Fraya says she came from another plane, was lost, and found devoted people before leaving to continue a tour of realms. Cher's rebelliousness and sense of right or wrong and trusting instincts are what she inspires in followers (Chaotic Good). While there was a brief moment she didn't care about Cher, she regained her faith after losing her abilities, because it gave her comfort and self-confidence. It also inspired her to go traveling, just as Cher did.

We don't know as much about Arson, other than she was a a drow in the underdark. What got her out was devotion to her patron. Samantha came into her life in a dream at a time in her life where she had a lack of confidence and little purpose. As Samantha embodies the opposite of that, it was a fortunate encounter. Arson never fit in with anyone, and wasn't well off compared to her fellow party members. She had to scramble to survive, and was an outcast among outcasts. She was too chaotic to keep close friends. To make money, she sold garments she made from found objects, skills she learned out of necessity for needing something to wear. Her signature couture are found garments she altered, like a dress made out of shirts. Had she suspected being a warlock would be a path to get out of the Underdark, she'd have looked for a patron sooner. Casting eldritch blast for the first time (needing to melt plastic to mold it) felt right, like it was supposed to happen, and gave her new confidence.

Neither one has rivals, although Arson has adversarial relationships with organizations and systems.

If they were no longer in danger, Arson would return to the underdark. There have been images and visions of her potentially being a revered figure down there. As a warlock now, she might fare better down there now and see if she can fulfill that potential.

Fraya misses being with a society that shares her culture, but she likes sharing her culture with the world as well.

The episode transitions into a role play adventure from here.

## Lost Mines of Phandelver

In the city of Neverwinter, Gundren Rockseeker asks two adventurers to escort a wagon of supplies to the city of Phandalin. He set out first with an escort, Sildar Hallwinter to take care of business.

Heading east on the Triborn trail, they know that bandits are common here. Fraya and Arson claim to have met through mutual friends, and they hired a third person at a tavern called Carnal Connections. This warrior uses no name but the one her clients give her, and the queens call her Conchita Best, Conchy for short. The half-elf drives the cart, while Fraya lounges in the back and Arson hides in one of the crates.

They come upon two dead horses blocking the path, black feathered arrows sticking out of them. Fraya waits until the wagon gets closer before hopping off to investigate. Their living horses are wary of their dead brethren. She finds empty saddle bags and an empty map case with scratches. Despite being hidden, Arson can hear rustling on either side of the path and whispers that to Conchy. The fighter draws a longbow. Arson peeps out of the crate and sees four goblins surrounding them, preparing to attack.

One goblin charges, waving a scimitar, but misses so badly Fraya hardly notices it. She does notice an arrow in her shoulder, fired by another goblin. Arson pops out of the crate and fires two *eldritch blasts* with *agonizing blast* off at the archer who shot Fraya. Arson turns and *hexes* the other archer off on the left by winking at him with a shoulder pop. The second scimitar goblin, with a pegleg, rush wobbles down towards Arson, slashing her.

Fraya prepares *animate dead* in case a goblin dies and stands her ground. Conchita fires her longbow twice at the goblin next to Fraya, only one hits. The hexed goblin with an eye patch attacks Fraya, who counters with *wrath of the storm*. Lighting strikes him dead, but he instantly springs back up, enslaved to Fraya's will.

The first goblin, a coward, tries to flee. Fraya swipes at his feet with her trident before he can shout for help, and is knocked out. The archer on the right side of the trail shoots Fraya again, but misses. Arson winks at the peg-legged goblin next to her, moving the hex to him, and then poison sprays him with a sneeze. Looking nauseous and sick, he slashes her back with his scimitar, triggering her *hellish rebuke,* knocking him out.

Fraya makes her undead goblin, Mr Slave, lick an arrow before attempting to fire his bow. It falls to his feet. The cleric then uses *frostbite* by shaking her hands at the archer Mr Slave missed. Drool freezes on his lips before he falls to the ground, shattering.

Mr Slave begins to help move the dead horses out of the way so they can move on ahead. Fraya loots the dead bodies, and finds a note from someone named Klarg telling the bearer to return to the cave after one day of monitoring the ambush site. Realizing the dead horses belonged to Gundren, they decide to find them.

Fraya casts *find object* to locate Gundren's shoulder pads, and is drawn to a path where someone had been dragged, and two shoulder pads along the path. They tie up the horses and hide the cart before the trio and undead goblin follow the trail. Ten minutes down the trail, Arson sees a snare trap and warns the others. They have Mr. S trip the trap, and work together to cut him down. Finding another trap, a pit, Fraya tosses a rock to trigger it. While the others walk around, Fraya grand jetes over. Eventually they reach a large cave.

Recalling the note, Fraya asks Mr S how long he had been at his post. In a daze he replies a few hours. Arson casts *invisibility* on her and Fraya before they approach the cave. A stream leads out of the cave, with a path on the right side. They follow the goblin into the cave.

A goblin at the side of the cave ask Mr S, who they call Blek, why he came back, and are confused when he answers "ran out of supplies". They are deeply suspicious. One grabs Mr. S to drag him to Klarg while the other stays guard. Fraya leaps over the guard to follow the others.

The guard begins to sniff the air, suspecting someone was here. Fraya hears the goblin say something, and *shapes water* from the stream to throw water in his face, and Arson sneaks by while he is distracted. Conchita remains behind to watch the area.

The queens follow the goblins into the cave, and up some stone steps that lead to a narrow fissure, reeking, and filled with animal sounds. Mr. S invites everyone to join him in song, which alerts the other goblin to sniff and sense someone is there. Arson grabs Fraya and walks up the wall as the goblin moves right under them. He knows something is up, but doesn't know what and moves even faster down the passage. The queens follow along the ceiling.

They continue through various chambers undetected. Finally in a large room full of provisions, the living goblin alerts their boss Klarg something is wrong. Klarg, a large hairy figure, is crouched near the ground, feeding a turkey leg to a wolf. Mr S. tries to act drunk as Klarg rises. He hoists Mr S up "You had one job!" and explains they were supposed to keep watch while the rest of the goblins packed up to take the dwarves to the castle. Mr S says he has a new master and points to the ceiling.

Klarg jabs his sword at the ceiling. Fraya quickly casts *bless*. Arson suggests they scuttle off to the previous chamber, although a lucky sword strike slices off Fraya's hair, which becomes visible. The shaggy one orders the underlings to pack up the dwarves and get out. The other goblins run down different passages. The big one says Blek will have a lot of questions to answer when they get to the 'Black Spider'. The queens decide to let the goblins bring the dwarves out, and leave the cave, still invisible, to plan to attack them outside. They rejoin Conchita. Klarg emerges, dragging a dwarf in each hand. Behind him is a goblin being drawn out by a large wolf.

Arson drops Fraya into the stream. The splash draws everyone's attention, and the Bugbear now knows someone is there and prepares to attack. Conchita pops out of the shrubbery, drops a stick, and fires a longbow at Klarg. The arrow flies wildly into a cave wall. As the invisibility drops from the queens, Arson fires two *eldritch blasts* at the shaggy figure. One slams into him

Conchita switches to long sword and swipes at Klarg, finally hitting on her second swipe. He roars and flaps the unconscious dwarves. She flaps her arms and roars back. Klarg drops a dwarf, and grabs a morning star which he swings at her, but she dodges. But now a dwarf, Gundren, is caught in the water, unconscious.

The goblin struggling to control the wolf slashes a scimitar at Conchita, and as she staggers, he asks Klarg if he should let the wolf go.

A vibrating bazooka appears, hefted onto Arson's shoulders up above the cave. She casts *Samantha's Curse* at Klarg before firing. The shot goes wild and lands in the water. Arson steps back on the ceiling, closer to the cave mouth, directly over the guard. Fraya telepathically calls to Mr. S to come join them. He runs down the nearby stairs to join the group. She then *calls lighting* to create a storm cloud around them as she moves towards Gundren.

The guard, seeing Arson above him, screams and fires his short bow and she strikes back with a *hellish rebuke*, wrapping him in flames despite being in the water. The wolf bites Fraya, and she falls prone as her *wrath of the storm* causes thunder to clap against the wolf.

Gundren begins to flow downstream. Conchita tries to knock the other dwarf free, but only lands one hit against Klarg's arm. Klarg lifts the unconscious Sildar and his morning star and tells them to back off or the dwarf gets it. The goblin with the wolf attacks Fraya.

Arson backs out of the cave and jumps down into the stream outside before firing her bazooka at Klarg again. The shot misses again.

As Fraya stands, she instructs Mr. S to grab Gundren and get him out of the water. To Arson's horror, Fraya casts lightning at the morning star, hoping it won't strike the water. A blast of lightning blows the morning star out of his hand, into the back of the cave. Klarg bursts with lighting and collapses, the goblin near the wolf is knocked back, smacking against the rock wall. The wolf dodges. Conchita is thrown to the side as well, and Sildar lands in the water, drifting down the stream. Arson feels a sparkle of rejuvenation as Klarg dies, thanks to her curse. The last goblin guard hollers in fear and runs off away from the battle.

Arson grabs both dwarves out of the water. Gundren opens his eyes and asks where they are. Arson says they will explain in a moment as Fraya tries to stabilize Sildar with *spare the dying*. Then she uses cure wounds, and his eyes flutter open.

Gundren says he knew he was right to hire these weirdos, but wants to get to town and get a drink. Arson throws the dwarves over her back and begins to go away as Fraya uses up the storm's energy to blow up the cave right after Mr. S comes skipping out of the cave.

Battered and bruised, they head back towards their cart.

### Characters

#### Party

* Arson Nicki - drider warlock
* Fraya Love - water genasi cleric

#### NPCs

* Conchita Best - half-elf fighter (uncomplicated)
* Mr Slave/Blek the Goblin
* Klarg (Bugbear)
* Gundren Rockseeker
* Sildar Hallwinter

#### Monsters/Enemies

* Cragmaw Goblins
* Wolf

## Episode Notes

### Lore

* Gundren Rockseeker has a lead on something incredible.
* A clan of goblins are working for a mysterious "Spider Lady" for unknown ends.

### Memorable Quotes

* "Wuv, Fraya Wuv" - DM Matt
* "It's a bright, sunny day." - "Cause it's never winter here? Are we going to LA?" - DM Matt and Fraya Love
* "We say mutual friends when it was really probably some sort of carnal connection." - Arson Nicki
* "Probably the worst idea both from a vibrator perspective and a sword perspective." - DM Matt
* "Roll a performance check." - "This is why I'm no longer allowed to say anything." - DM Matt and Fraya Love
* "That was not the voice I was expecting." - "Me either, to be honest." - Fraya Love and DM Matt
* "Conchita does get a second attack. A 7." - "Unhelpful!" - Conchita Best and Fraya Love
* "Conchita has been stinking up the joint with the long bow so Conchita will draw the long sword and charge into the mouth of the cave and bring it down on Klarg's chest.... Fuck a Duck!" - Conchita Best
* "They may have broken his hand but is there a ring on his finger?" - DM Matt
* "I'm going to be really sad when he dies in 24 hours." - Fraya Love
* "My deepest apologies to all the electrical engineers listening right now." - DM Matt
* "Pretty sure that's not how vampiric touch works." - Arson Nicki

### References

* Oprah - You get a... You get a...
* Pokemon Evolution
* The Secret
* Netflix/Hulu/Amazon Prime
* Auntie Mame
* Princess Bride
* Duolingo
* Wayne's World
* Lord of the Rings - Ringwraiths
* The Pony - Seattle bar
* Twilight - Edward Cullen
* Xena: Warrior Princess
* Romeo & Juliet - "Get thee to a nunnery"
* Sex & the City
* Cher's Farewell Tours
* Real Housewives Reunion Episodes
* Tigger
* Beatles
* Little Miss Muffet

### Name That Tune

* "Complicated" - Avril Lavene
* "Into You" - Ariana Grande
* "I Feel Pretty" - West Side Story

## Behind the Queens

* The episode title comes from the Lost Mines of Phandelver campaign, where Cragmaw is the name of the goblin clan the group encounters.
* This is the first time the queens have played an official D&D campaign.
* As of November 2019 this episode is the longest released episode of Queens of Adventure, out of main feed and bonus episodes.

**Greetings From Fire Island**: Ch1 - Ch2 - Ch3 - **The Show Must Go On**: Ch1 - Ch2 - Ch3 - Ch4
**Operation Watersport**: Ch1 - Ch2 - Ch3 - Ch4 - Ch5 - Ch6 - Ch7 - **Trials**: Ch1 - Ch2 - Ch3 - Ch4
**Ghosts of the Coast**: Ch1 - Ch2 - Ch3 - **The Devil's Due**: Ch1 - Ch2 - Ch3 - Ch4
**Special**: The Story So Far
**The Beautiful Place**: Ch1 - Ch2 - Ch3 - Ch4 - Ch5 - Ch6 - **A Dance in the Dark**: Ch1 - Ch2 - Ch3 - Ch4
**Drama in the Deep**: Ch1 - Ch2 - Ch3 - Ch4 - Ch5 - Ch6 - **Whispers From the Heart**: Ch1 - Ch2 - Ch3 - Ch4 - Ch5 - Ch6
**Danger Rangers!**: Ch1 - Ch2 - Ch3 - Ch4 - Ch5 - Ch6
**Mist Connections**: Ch1 - Ch2
**Unreleased**
Lost: Camp Crystal Light - Pax West 2018 --  vs the Lizard People
Live Shows: Seattle Style -- Minneapolis Style