Norway

**Norway,** officially the **Kingdom of Norway** and abbreviated by the locals to the monosyllabic grunt '**Norge**' is a Nordic country in Northern Europe.

Norway has a total area of 385,207 square kilometres (148,729.254 sq mi) and a population which is forever increasing. Since the 8th century Norway and its people have a history of aggression and to this day Norway has the biggest active military in Northern Europe (per capita).

## History

Nothing is known of Norway or its people until the looting of the monastery at Lindisfarne in Northeast England in 793. This was the start of the Viking age, an age characterised by expansion by Norwegian seafarers. They colonised, raided, and traded in all parts of Europe but mostly raided. Norwegian Viking explorers discovered Iceland by accident in the 9th century when very intoxicated, and eventually came across Vinland, known today as Newfoundland, in Canada. The Vikings from Norway were most active in the northern and western British Isles and eastern North America isles.

The viking hoard rapidly expanded into Iceland, the Faroe Islands, Greenland, and parts of Britain and Ireland. The modern-day Irish cities of Dublin, Limerick and Waterford were founded by Norwegian settlers only for them to return to loot and destroy later.

Born sometime in between 963–969, Olav Tryggvasson set off raiding in England with 390 ships. He attacked London during this raiding. Arriving back in Norway in 995, the perpetually heinous Norwegian people admired his acts so much, he was proclaimed King of Norway.

Raiding of neighbouring countries continued. To this day the Norwegian people have offered no apology for the atrocities they committed.

## Society

Harald V is the King of Norway, having ascended to the throne upon defeating his father King Olav V in hand to hand combat on 17th January 1991. King Harald occupies the Royal Palace of Norway, an enormous building built from the bones of the victims of his army.

Norwegian society operates similar to an insect hive. The Queen lays eggs from which all Norwegians hatch and within the hive the Norwegian workers produce a sticky black substance known as oil.

Because of the Norwegian peoples aggressive nature and harsh living conditions the country has a low population density.

## Geography

### Climate

Norway has a nightmarish, extra-terrestrial like climate where it is extremely cold and dark for half the year and hot, humid and in permanent sunlight for the remainder of the year.

### Biodiversity

The Norwegian people share their habitations with a range of deadly creatures including brown bears,polar bears, wolves, moose, wolverines, wampas and lemmings.

### Environmental Policy

Norway has a strong focus on reducing carbon emissions and renewable-energy. The use of renewable-energy combined with the low population density make it one of the most environmental friendly countries in the world.

In an attempt to counter this, the Norwegian people slaughter hundreds of whales every year.

## Culture

### Cuisine

Norwegian people can only eat food which is colourless such as potato, fish, waffles and bread. Any food with spice or flavour is extremely distressing to a Norwegian.

### Art and Music

Being a warrior race, the Norwegian people do not value art. All Norwegians only like one piece of art, 'The Scream' (monosyllabic grunt: *Skrik*) which unsurprisingly for their culture, depicts someone in anguish.

There are very few Norwegian musicians, and even fewer good ones. The most famous is A-ha who had two good songs including "Take on Me", a taunting synth-pop battle cry, which has been the Norwegian National Anthem since 1984.

### Sport

Norway is hopeless at actual proper sports such as football, cricket, rugby and athletics. As such it has invented its own made-up "Nordic Games". Often other countries from central and northern Europe will compete in competitions in order to appease the Norwegians in a futile attempt to avoid their aggression.

### National Day

The national day is celebrated by releasing the children from the palace that have survived the winter in the hatcheries, whereby the children parade down the street in an enormous swarm. Parties are held with food and drink in which the Norwegians continue to ignore their historical crimes of the 8th to 11th century.