DPDA Case No. 9

Tim Crescent

Benjamin Sellars

Fred Wentsworth

The West London Mob

The ninth case of the DPDA took place on the 14th of October 1991, in Mayfair, London. It is the first case to have featured the West London Mob as rivals to the DPDA. Bernard Smith was absent from the case, due to his secret training. The following Case File is written by Cecil Longstaff.

## Case File

It was the 12th of October, we were at a Disko, in this knacks area in Paris. I was wearing a beautiful pink silk disko shirt, with 3 inch cuban heel shoes and beautiful silky black trousers. Tim was wearing a fit brown jumper with orange trousers, and Denzel was wearing a huge, shabby, mixed-rabbit fur coat, and infeasibly tight black trousers. We were just dancing until this absolute wasteman comes up to me and Denzel, and began speaking French to Denzel. ''Es-tu la pute de Bethnal Green?'' he asked. ''Oui.'' replied Denzel. Then he starts speaking mad quick, and I got really dizzy and his face started melting...But that was probably just from the LSD I took earlier.

Denzel and the bloke walked outside, I continued raving to this mad Barry White song (Come On) and Tim was necking on with some people in the corner. Denzel came back in and told us to come with him. He told us that the man reported that a gang in Westminster kidnapped his brother and were holding him for ransom unless he delivered 2 thousand euros in cash to a secure location in Mayfair. He was told not to contact the po-po or else the gang would kill his brother. Instead, he came and contacted the DPDA.

We took the first flight back to London, with the bloke. We drove to his parent's house, in Bexleyheath. His parents were these mad geezers from Sussex. We got to interviewing them.

We have found out that his brother (who we'll call Andy from now on) is a 32 year old man who has been married to a woman called Rebbecca since 1988. He has been married once before, but divorced in 1985. According to his parents, they did not have a great relationship, and had not seen each other since the previous Christmas. We knew that they had no more useful information to give us, so we went to his wife.

He lived in a small flat in the outskirts of Croydon. The flat was well shit, we walked in it and it had bright red fucking walls. Deary me. Through this, we can infer he had a terrible taste of interior design, which means he could possibly have enemies in that field of work. To be quite honest, I'd nick him, the tasteless cunt. We began interviewing his missus, and unearthing some nasty secrets...Turns out Andy and Rebbecca were in an unhappy marriage, Andy was an alcoholic, and has also cheated on Rebbecca several times. Shit. But the most vital piece of information is the fact that he had begun buying drugs from dodgy dealers for recreational usage. We managed to get the name of the dealer and track him down to a Southwark apartment above a butcher's shop. Tim threw his large Crescent stone at the window and climbed whilst screaming ''I'M COMING TO GET YOU'' and laughing maniacally with his sweet Mancunian voice. When he got up into the flat, he jumped on the dealer and started growling at him with the fury of all an angry but valiant Scottish Unicorn combined with the mystique of the Welsh Dragon and the Bravery of an English Lion...A true British attack. It was well sick.

We went to the flat by asking the butcher to let us upstairs, and we got to interviewing the dealer. The foul cunt wouldn't say a thing, so we tied him up, and Tim started inflicting advanced interrogation techniques. We stepped into the kitchen waiting for Tim to finish. Once we heard the bloke start crying uncontrollably, we knew we could come back in. The dealer was bare shook, he was pale, with yellow eyes, and he was shaking and shit. Denzel grabbed him by his shirt collar and began whispering to him in French with his seductive whispers. ''Why are you here?'' shouted the dealer in his shitty American accent. ''It's to do with the dissapearance of Andy.'' replied Tim. The dealer looked down and fell to his knees. ''He knows exactly what we're on about. And he knows where Andy is, you can tell my his eyes.'' said Denzel. ''You're a part of an organisation, aren't you? There's no way that your uneducated little mates could've nicked him, an organisation of educated people took him. You're in it, you're a low ranking member, obvioulsy, because you're a silly little uggo. What's it called.'' continued Denzel. The Dealer refused to speak. ''Fine. Then Tim will continue.'' he said. The dealer looked up, frightened as ever. He pulled on Denzel's fur coat. ''No...NO...Please don't leave me with him.'' begged the dealer. ''You fucking wasteman, you, tell us who you fucking work for, cunt.'' said Benjamin in his fit voice, whilst he spat on the dealer...''The West London Mob'' he screamed. We all spat on him, and then we exited through the window.

When we arrived back at the DPDA Office, we got to researching the West London Mob. They're a small group of uggo bozos from West London who want to be a mafia, but they're well thick, so they're not. As we discovered this, we heard Benjamin's alluring voice scream, and when we turned around, we saw a man taking him away...Shit...Tim shot his holy water crossbow at the man, but to no avail. Benjamin was gone. We knew this was the work of the West London Mob.

Me and Denzel went back to the dealer's flat, but he wasn't there...This was no job for only three detectives we thought. We recruited the help of Denzel's co-worker, Fred Wentsworth, a fierce man with knowledge of antique glass. That dealer twat must have ratted us out to the West London Mob, so they took Benjamin. Denzel proposed that we go to their next meeting undercover and find out where they're holding Benjamin and Andy. But then, we realised that if the dealer was there, he was sure to recognise us, so we decided to send Fred. We found out from their internet website that their next meeting was to be held the next afternoon.

We meet at the DPDA Office in Camden Town, at 10:24 the next afternoon. Before that, me, Tim and Denzel went disko dancing, so we were VERY SWEATY MEN. Tim was wearing a fit cream turtleneck jumper, Denzel was wearing a white glittery DISKO shirt, I was wearing a mustard yellow button up shirt, and Fred was wearing a Bavarian hunting jacket, from his hunting session. We formulated a very intricate and complex plan. Fred will enter the meeting with a false Identification pass and say he's heard of this WICKED club called the West London Mob, and that he's interested to join. If they don't accept him, we give them a Barry White CD as a bribe. Then, once he's in, he gives us a phone call in the bathroom, and we drive outside their meeting place, and set up our weaponry. At exactly 23 minutes into the meeting, we break in and battle them naughty willies.

Everything was going according to plan. Fred gave us a ring, and we arrived outside. However, our plans changed when we were informed that there were seven armed guards in the meeting room. Shit. Me and Denzel were scared crap. 'This is utterly pants!' we thought. But Tim was not put off. A sexy smile overcame his face. He picked up his claymore sword and golden brass knuckles and marched into the meeting. Me and Denzel took some of his weapons - A mace, a pistol, a flail and a smoke grenade. Two armed guards manned the door into the meeting hall. Denzel threw a smoke grenade, Tim knocked one out with his brass knuckles, and I broke the other's legs with the mace. We broke down the doors to the hall, and the armed guards pointed their guns at us. I shot at their legs to scare them, and they began shooting like MAAAAAD. Fred jumped out of his seat and broke one of the mob member's nose, and performed his insatiable karate moves on them. Tim was about to get shot at, when he slashed off the left arm of the shooter with his sword.

## Gallery

Denzel at a Mayfair pubFred, Tim and Denzel