Charl Marx

Charlotte M. Whigg

Tar Pit Eight

Charlie M. Joberts

Peruvian Ballsack Inspectionary

Ballsack Inspectionary

Charl Marx was a Georgian philosopher and cryptocurrency influencer. He was best known for his work in writing the 'Combine Manifesto', which decried the evils of the Capitalist Combine Empire, while encouraging the adoption of Socialist and Communist thinking into American society.

## Kid Named Charl

Born and raised in the Georgian Territory of West Georgia in 159 BB, Charl adopted a radical leftist ideology early into his life. He was raised by his father, Karl Marx, after his mother perished suddenly in an unfortunate Combine Drone Strike Accident. As a toddler during the American Civil War, Charl was exposed to regular horrendous sights. One of the most gruesome of these was when he opened his front door to find a severed human head on his doorstep.

The constant exposure to bloodshed and violence led to Charl adopting a strict anti-war ideology, something which he brought with him to his first day of preschool at the age of four. His teacher, Mrs. White, a staunch Confederate-supporting Capitalist, was highly disgusted with Charl's political ideology, and he was expelled for 'hate speech'. However, Mrs. White was soon enlisted into the Civil War and killed by a cannonball strike through the stomach.

Charl's new teacher, Frederick Angle, an anti-war activist and strict American Federalist, provided his preschoolers with political compass tests. While his classmates colored on the pretty squares and drew fun, colorful depictions of violent war crimes, Charl instead completed the test perfectly. Mr. Angle was astounded when he saw Charl's political compass test- their results matched almost identically!

## I Was Thinking Maybe We Could... Partner Up?

Mr. Angle immediately contacted Charl's father, informing Karl that his son was a prodigy. Karl thanked Mr. Angle for his kind words, but insisted his son was 'perfectly normal', as the young boy drew hammers and sickles in red sidewalk chalk in the driveway.

Mr. Angle became somewhat of a mentor figure to Charl, and the two remained close throughout Charl's high school years. After the Civil War ended, Charl had a fairly normal childhood, up until his sixteenth birthday. In the United States, sixteen or older males were automatically drafted into the Great META War (an even larger war, of which the American Civil War had been an almost insignificant microcosm of).

## One and Only Love

In order to avoid the draft, Charl exploited the Georgian Child Wedding Law, by which any man who married a woman as a minor would be exempt from the draft for up to ten years. Charl went to a local restaurant and asked loudly if anyone would marry him, so he could avoid the war. After several hours, a very tall girl approached him. Charl noted her blood-red jacket and identified a fellow communist when he saw one.

The two began a close friendship, and eventually were married after six days of knowing each other (Charl's birthday was coming up).

## Sleeper Agent

Their marriage was strictly platonic; however, complications arose several years in when Sarah short-circuited and was revealed to have been a Combine Android Sleeper Agent. Despite this, Charl needed their marriage to continue for the remaining seven years; so, he paraded his cybertronic wife's body around the village Weekend-At-Bernie's style.

Their marriage ended after the ten year period expired, and Charl was taken from his bed in the middle night and forcefully brought to Fort Drum, a large American military base. This would prove to be a classic American mistake.

## Draft Dodging

Charl, still a staunch supporter of the Anti-War movement, actually convinced over half of his fellow "recruits" to plan a coup and overthrow the military leadership of Fort Drum. Their plan worked, and they escaped in fighter jets, returning back to Georgia, where Charl, together with his elementary teacher Mr. Angle, started the Communist Party of America.

## Government Questioning

Charl went on in public for several years living fairly normally. Together with Mr. Angle, Charl authored the 'Combine Manifesto', a book which would become revolutionary in left-wing politics for the rest of Omniversal History.

In 130 BB, however, Charl was once again kidnapped by authorities in the night, although this time, he was brought to Washington, DC, where he was put on trial for treason and espionage due to his actions at Fort Drum. He was ultimately going to be given up to seventy-three consecutive life sentences, thanks to the Supreme Chalupa Court (an antiquated relic of a bygone era). However, Charl was determined not to give up so easily. When his sentencing hearing finally came, and the authorities arrived at his residence to arrest him, he was nowhere to be found.

## Peruvian Ballsack Inspectionary

The people of the small Peruvian town of Los Culos hadn't been expecting a visitor. Imagine their surprise when an English-speaking man suddenly appeared, with a trunk full of belongings, in their town square, with a sign that read, in English, "Free Book Inspections, Peru!".

Charl had gone undercover, using the alias 'Tar Pit Eight', and was attempting to evade international authorities while still doing what he loved- discussing literature. He hoped to read and discuss the books the locals had; unfortunately, his Spanish was rather rusty.

The residents of Los Culos, all native Spanish Speakers, were, of course, rather surprised to find Charl there. They attempted to communicate with him using hand gestures, but they still experienced a significant language barrier. Charl, drawing on his elementary Spanish education, attempted to translate his sign to Spanish. Unfortunately, he wrote on the board, 'Inspección de sacos de bolas peruanos'- a horrendous mistranslation. It's unclear how exactly he made this horrible mistake, however, the translation was, roughly, "Peruvian Ballsack Inspectionary"; not at all what Charl had attempted to convey.

Nevertheless, Charl began making money- although, not the career he had exactly had in mind. He began making large sums of cash inspecting the testicles of local Peruvians. Charl made so much money, in fact, that his profits caught the eye of the Peruvian Cartel.

## Cartel Kidnapping

Charl was kidnapped by the Peruvian Cartel and driven at gunpoint out into the desert in the back of an RV. The blindfold was taken off of his eyes, and he saw he was kneeling over an empty grave. A man pushed a pistol against his head.

"Talk. We know who you are, American. Why have you come here? "

*A gruff voice. Maybe a leader?*

"I just-"

"Answer carefully."

"I was going to be put away for life- Jail. El *prisono*. I didn't want that- I didn't want prison. I wanted to be free."

*Laughter.*

"Freedom, eh?"

*Another voice.*

"Typical American *Gringo*. What else do you want? A cheeseburger?"

*More laughter. The men don't seem angry.*

"Yes. Freedom. I want to change the world- that- that's my life's mission."

*Scattered snickers, then silence.*

*The gun is pushed harder into Charl's skull.*

"How hard are you willing to *fight* for it, amigo?"

"What- What do you mean?"

"I mean- we read your little book. Can it work- Can it work?"

*Charl smiles.*

"Of course it can."

"What's first, Mister Marx?"

"First... we seize the means of production."

## Peruvian Cartel Revolution

Peru was, at the time, a Spanish colony, under total control of the failing Spanish Empire. There existed within Peru many isolated independence movements; however, they had had trouble unifying for quite some time.

Charl, who had been promoted to a high-ranking position in the Peruvian Cartel, had converted the Cartel into a Communist revolutionary machine, recruiting thousands of Peruvians to the cause. Most were willing to join; what little loyalty they'd felt for Spain had dissipated over the Great META War's long and arduous course. The Cartel, which was renamed to the "Peruvian Ballsack Inspection Service" in honor of Charl (against his wishes), had seized control over all of Peru's major ports, farmland, and- most importantly- factories. Within six months, the Peruvian puppet government had been completely beaten back to the capital city of Lima.

Well, revolutions will be revolutions, and we won't go into the details of what was done to these leaders (we really aren't at liberty to say)- but they were all 'dealt with', and Peru declared independence on March 24th, 129 BB.

Charl was unanimously appointed the General Secretary of Communist Peru, and led the country to becoming a powerhouse in the manufacturing of weapons and foodstuffs for soldiers in the Great META War (despite his anti-war sentiments).

## Death

While on vacation in Ig, Hawaii, in 121 BB, Charl was assassinated by an American CIA operative disguised as a barista. His legacy was forever remembered by his writings, teachings, and the country that he worked hard to build.

### American Exceptionalism

Unfortunately, Peru would 'randomly' experience another revolution just several months later, and a warhawk Peruvian national (who definitely wasn't a puppet of the United States Central Intelligence Agency) came to power in a coup (assisted by MTO troops disguised as Peruvian nationals). The new leader, Billarno Salvador, was a pro-capitalist, pro-war shellout who turned Peru into a bona fide inflation-prone Banana Republic.