241: Raphina Phalange and the Pots

## Summary

Sheemie, the boy from Morrow's Inlet who Will temporarily employed to defraud Ricardo Ulysses, rides into view on the back of the party's lizards, telling the group that he left his parents behind to join the party and see the world. In a move that surprises the rest of the group, Will offers to take the boy under his wing and while the party try to come up with a plan for heading into Beartoggle, Gwen sneaks Hilula into the forest to consult with Moondreamer. To Gwen's surprise, her patron doesn't appear to dispute Hilula's claims, and when the halfling runs away, Gwen has a change of heart and makes no attempt to stop her, only moments before the rest of the group arrive and give pursuit.

## Synopsis

In the darkness, the silhouette of a small figure mounted on the backs of their lizards, approaches the party. They strain their eyes to make out who it is, but all are surprised when they realise it is in fact Sheemie (the boy stealing candy at Gwen's store, later met on the river after the town's mass exodus). *"Hi guys! Lose something?!"* he yells over the noise of the lizards paddling away. *"Are these yours? I think they are. I haven't really seen many other lizards paddling around on the river."* He's riding one of the lizards and guiding the others. He looks a little unsure of himself, but he's smiling as he approaches.

Gwen calls out to him *"Where are your parents? What are you doing out here, all alone in the middle of nowhere?"* *"I came to find you! I told you I wanted to come with you, didn't I?"* Will eyes him suspiciously and Gwen casts *Detect Magic* and confirms it's not Ricardo Ulysses in disguise. Raphina says she doesn't know much about the boy, which he's surprised about, having thought they were a close knit team, what with what the stunt they pulled off at the candy store. Gwen says they definitely are a successful team and Will sarcastically indicates the burning forest behind them. *Good successful event, guys."* Gwen tosses her golden locks as she reminds them that they did make the summer stew. Raphina asks if Sheemie has ever heard of *"the infamous Raphina Phalangepot"* and is relieved when he says he hasn't. She explains that someone has been impersonating her and Sheemie asks if it's Will, recalling that he can change his appearance.

Sheemie says he needs to understand the group dynamic if he's going to join the team, but Will thinks there is a more pressing question and asks where his parents are. Sheemie says they're probably at home looking for him. He doesn't care anyway, saying he really just wanted to get away. Will says he was very depressed when they last met on the river, and so he must have missed the very unsubtle irony in the boy's choice of words at the time. He says he wants to see the world, but Will and Raphina roll their eyes. Gwen says that's pretty much why she left town too. Batthwack says he's just travelling with Will. Sheemie says he'd like to do that too; Will gave him some money for helping out at the candy store and he'd very much like to continue that arrangement if possible. Will is impressed with this confident little performer, but doesn't suspect there's anything sneaky going on.

Will suggests Sheemie go home because it's not safe out here, but Sheemie points out that's not exactly safe in Morrow's Inlet either. He explains how he was in a small canoe, but lost it when getting the lizards. Raphina reminds everyone of the dragon and Sheemie is surprised to learn it was here. He asks if they're going to kill it, but Will suggests he's not really the dragon-killing type. Sheemie says Will would probably pay someone to kill it for him and Will's surprised how insightful he is.

The group recall the dark mood they were all in as they left Morrow's Inlet; Gwen leaving behind everything she'd built up over the years, Will feeling like he'd left something behind and worrying about his letter to Curtis, and Batthwack who had been involved in the death of an innocent woman. Will looks at Batthwack when this last one comes up. He's looking in a different direction from the others, towards the smoke coming up from the fires, at the sky, out over the water and taking stock of what's happening. He's put his shield down across his legs and he seems uncomfortable. He's not really involved in the conversation. Will goes quiet and continues to look at Batthwack.

The river is still very quiet, with no other traffic. Sheemie asks where they're headed and Will just says away from the dragon. Gwen says they were planning to head to Beartoggle *"to get to the bottom of the apparent doppelganger situation."* Will reiterates how absurd it is that Raphina could be a serial killer, but Gwen says someone is clearly pretending to be her, or something. Will raises his concerns about having Hilula tag along, given that she will only want to betray them. Hilula suggests they just let her go in that case, but Will just laughs mockingly. Gwen agrees that she's much safer with them.

Will insists that if they go to Beartoggle, they need a plan, because the guards will just arrest them on sight. Sheemie suggests disguising Raphina, which Will agrees with, but suggests a physical disguise rather than a magical one, to ensure it's not lost at some point. Raphina whips out her two pairs of reading glasses and puts them on. Will says he does not want to go to jail again and Sheemie is impressed with how fast they managed to escape. He asks how they did it and when they tell him about the giant worm, he regrets asking. He points out that though Will may not look like a dragon-killer, he does look like a mystery solver, with his fine clothes and moustache.

Raphina reminds everyone that some among the party need to rest and offers up her *Tiny Hut* (again). Will is hesitant, to say the least. Sheemie offers to take first watch and asks how much the pay is. Will scoffs, but Gwen offers him a sticky brick from her magical purple pouch. Sheemie is sceptical about being paid in candy. Will is concerned about how readily Gwen is offering people candy from her magical pouch of dubious origin. Gwen reminds them Raphina has eaten some of it, but Raphina's not sure. She claims she only licked the caramel that Gwen produced from the pouch in Crumplemeyer's office. Raphina points out that Sheemie wants cold, hard cash anyway, but when she asks if anyone has any Barovian money left, it goes very quiet. She tells Sheemie that they don't operate like mercenaries. *"We are freelancers, in that we work for free"* she says. Will insists that he doesn't do anything out of the goodness of his heart and Sheemie tells them that the group need him. Will says he has money to pay him, but he'll have to prove himself useful. Gwen points out that he already rescued the lizards.

Will suspects that there is more to Sheemie than meets the eye. Did he perhaps steal the lizards simply so he could return them and gain the group's trust? Sheemie denies this, saying he had to give the lizards all his food in order to tame them. Gwen offers him some food, but he says he doesn't trust the candy from her magical pouch. *"We have Will, and we have mini-Will now"* notes Gwen, dryly. Sheemie asks Will if he can teach him how to do clever things like change your appearance. Will asks what he can already do, but Sheemie explains he can't do any magic, doesn't have any armour, but he does have a pocket knife! He starts spinning the knife around on his hand. *"All right, well that's pretty cool, but that doesn't mean that you can fight giant toads and the shit that we come across"* says Will.

Sheemie wants to know what role he can have in the group and Gwen suggests that perhaps Batthwack might be able to use a squire to help clean his (tiny) armour and stuff. Will points out that Mo already worships Batthwack, so he'll take on the boy instead. Batthwack can't believe his ear-holes at hearing this. *"So there you go. I guess you're travelling with Will?"* says Batthwack, but Will immediately backtracks and says it was a joke. He tells Sheemie to go home, but Sheemie just says *"My home is the road! ... called a river in this case."* On seconds thoughts, Will realises that it can't be any worse than stringing along Hilula. *"At least I'm willing. And I ain't gonna rat you out to those cops!"* says Sheemie.

They appear to arrive at a consensus that it's too far back to Morrow's Inlet and with a dragon on the loose, he's safer with them. Sheemie says he might go and visit his parents in a few years. Will can't understand why his parents don't care where he is, but Sheemie says they probably do. Raphina tries yelling a message *"TELL SHEEMIE'S PARENTS, HE'S FINE!"* and hoping the bush telegraph will take care of the rest. Sheemie says that when he left, they were more worried about someone having robbed their shop, that's how he was able to sneak away. Gwen asks him all about the shop and Sheemie says his parents often don't take much notice of him and he's used to sneaking away for a couple of days.

Raphina gets down on all fours and loudly repeats her message into the ground *"TELL HIS PARENTS HE'S FINE!"* Will, who is obviously feeling more hyper-sensitive than usual, detects a very faint rumbling in the soles of his feet. *"Did anyone else feel that?"* The others all say they didn't feel anything. *"I hope it was just my imagination. It's just my imagination. There are no giant worms, there are no giant worms, there are no giant worms"* repeats Will over and over. Raphina says she's not trying to talk to worms. *"I'm just trying to communicate with a friend I've met along the way"* she says, her lips touching the soil.

Thinking about where they're headed, Will asks if anyone knows which way the dragon went. Hilula pipes up and says it seemed to go downstream. Will sarcastically says *"Well, I totally trust you, so..."* The party guess that it's heading to Beartoggle, in which case they're not likely to get there first. Raphina says she hopes it eats the dam, before realising that she shouldn't have mentioned it because Hilula thinks she's obsessed.

While the others squabble about what to do next, Gwen tugs on Hilula's sleeve and leads her away from the group, and without anyone noticing, they sneak into the woods. She knows she doesn't have long before the others notice their absence. Hilula asks if Gwen's going to let her go, but Gwen says no, she wants her to talk to someone. Hilula's confused. Gwen looks at Kowl and asks them if they can speak with Moondreamer. *"That's what I'm here for!"* they reply. Kowl settles down and pretty quickly, there is suddenly a wonderfully beautiful unicorn prancing out before them. *"Yes hello..."* says Moondreamer in their characteristically dulcet tones. *"What the fuck?!"* cries Hilula. Gwen and Moondreamer do their best to calm her, but Hilula just utters some vowel sounds for a while as she attempts to form words.

*"What can I do for you, my child?"* asks Moondreamer. Gwen apologises profusely for only contacting them when they're in trouble, and explains the predicament with Hilula and Raphina. *"Oh, I mean she* has *killed many people, as have you"* says Moondreamer, but Gwen explains that's not what she means, saying *"Raphina supposedly kills for sport."* Moondreamer says *"Yes. Seraphina Phalangepot is known for being a ruthless killer."* There's a pause while Gwen tries to compute this. Hilula feels vindicated. Gwen asks why Moondreamer has aligned her with Raphina if that's the case, and Moondreamer points out that Gwen too is a killer. She's forced to admit that this is the truth, but is keen to stress the difference between killing for sport and defending themselves. Moondreamer thinks for a moment before saying *"Perhaps."* Gwen asks if she should stay with the group and Moondreamer says she should. *"I'll let you know if plans change."* Gwen apologises for doubting them. Then she apologises for apologising and Moondreamer disappears.

Hilula says *"That was weird. Please. Can you let me go? They're coming."* Although Gwen initially sticks firmly to the group's decision and says that Hilula is safer with them, but when Hilula says *"I understand. I'm gonna run now. You can choose to catch me or not,"* Gwen just says *"Run."* Hilula turns and runs.

Meanwhile the group had continued to argue/discuss what to do next. Sheemie asks if they usually vote on it. Will explains that there's nothing so formal, but mentions that there is one contractual agreement in place in the group. Sheemie is just asking about that when Mo asks where Gwen and Hilula have gone. Will flies up into the air to get a better vantage on their surroundings and Raphina runs round in circles saying *"I'm worried guys!"* Batthwack instructs Mo to look for tracks.

Raphina spots a faint, soft white light in the distance through the trees and calls out to let everyone know. Will swoops off in that direction and everyone rushes after him. They haven' gone far when they encounter Gwen, standing in the forest with Kowl. Whatever white light Raphina had seen seems to have faded now. Batthwack says *"Where's Hilula?"* *"I don't know. I brought her back here to talk to Moondreamer, to see if maybe Moondreamer could set her straight about Raphina. I don't know, I think she got scared. I don't know where she went"* replies Gwen. Will is looking in every direction and offers money to Mo if he can catch her. Mo goes running off into the woods without hesitation and Batthwack follows him. Raphina asks Gwen if it was the good Moondreamer or the bad version. Gwen hesitates, realising that hadn't occurred to her, before saying that she guesses it was the good version. Raphina asks what Moondreamer said about her situation and Gwen awkwardly tells her that they said she was a killer. Raphina insists that she's never done it *"serially"*.

In the total darkness of the forest, Mo realises he can't discern any tracks. Will flies down, casting *Light* on Mo's knife, before flying up again, where he can't get eaten by wolves. Mo begins stabbing at a tree in frustration, saying *"I can't find anything, is too hard!!"* Batthwack's dark vision doesn't seem to help either as he can't see or hear any sign of Hilula. He casts *Locate Object* on the magical battle-axe he had gifted her. The spell indicates that the axe is more-or-less in the direction they've been heading, away from the river and is moving away from them. Batthwack tells them to follow him and Will flies down to the ground. Will casts a *Bonfire* as far as he can in the direction the dragonborn is sprinting. Will runs after him, casting more *Bonfires* as he overtakes the short-legged Batthwack.

## Quotes

* Raphina: *"We are freelancers, in that we work for free"*
* Will (Reacting to Sheemie spinning his knife in his hand): *"All right, well that's pretty cool, but that doesn't mean that you can fight giant toads and the shit that we come across."*

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from Abby/Raphina. Worried about the rumours that she's a serial killer, Raphina asks Sheemie if he's ever heard of the *"infamous Raphina Phalangepot."* He says he hasn't and wonders if that's their group's name, *"The Raphina Phalange Pots."* Abby suggests *"Raphina Phalange and the Pots!"*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: lauded.

## References

1. ↑ See episode 206: A Duffel Bag of Tootsie Rolls
2. ↑ See episode 226: What CAN'T Will Turn Into? A Pleasant Person? JUST KIDDING!
3. ↑ Mark here: If you're wondering when Sheemie told everyone about his desire to leave town, well see episode 226: What CAN'T Will Turn Into? A Pleasant Person? JUST KIDDING!! *"Knowing that his parents are listening he loudly proclaims that he certainly does NOT desire to leave town and escape."*
4. ↑ See episode 207: She's Gonna Find It All
5. ↑ See episode 210: Does Anyone Need a Soup Tureen?
6. ↑ See episode 212: Hubbubbada Bubbada!
7. ↑ Raphina did eat some of the caramel, but when Gwen warned her, she said *"Well, I've already had a lick so I guess my productivity is going to be seeing if I get poisoned by it."* See episode 219: Everybody's So Horny Tonight
8. ↑ It was of course Batthwack that robbed Sheemie's parents' shop, All That And A Bag Of Holding -- see episode 226: What CAN'T Will Turn Into? A Pleasant Person? JUST KIDDING!