Drinking

"*Wow, that's beautiful. Sobering, even.*"
―Erik
Drinking is the 133rd lesson of Internet Comment Etiquette. It was released on August 15, 2021.

## Summary

Erik receives a letter from the Society of Etiquette in regard to his drinking during class. He tries to convince himself that drinking isn't that bad, so he watches a video showing how much damage drinking does to one's brain, all the while forgetting what he's doing. He decides to finish the wine bottle signed by Devo before he commits to sobriety.

A visibly drunk Erik looks up how to make a mint julep for his students, and he knows he's not alcoholic because he's making a classy drink. It makes him gag, but he likes it. He thinks he spilled some on his pants, but he realizes that it's actually piss so he calls for a commercial break.

Erik wakes up with a hangover and drinks some Pedialyte. He remembers he's supposed to be teaching his students about sobriety. He takes a mimosa to cure his hangover and then promises to stop drinking. He watches a video of a guy drinking bottomless mimosas, and Erik drinks some more to keep up with him. He types another comment and then finds a bottle taped to his hand. He agrees to stop drinking after he finishes it, but he realizes that it's hopeless, so he decides to learn what will happen if he stops drinking for just 30 days. It talks about withdrawal, which Erik has never heard of. He goes through the comments, and it's full of stories of people whose lives have improved after they stopped drinking. He posts a long-winded story and wakes up with another hangover. He tries to drink more Pedialyte, but it's full of piss.

Erik swears no drinking starting now. Just to be sure, he cuts to a montage where he does not drink. He then proceeds to drink throughout the montage and has to start over several times. Even with the montage, he's still unable to quit drinking. He watches a video where a kid pretends to drink in a car in front of cops and Erik finds another bottle taped to his hand. He decides to prove that he can still leave a good comment while drinking alcohol. He leaves a drunken rant complaining about the Society of Etiquette and takes another drink, but it's a glass full of piss.

## Comments

*Professor Erik,**The Society has been following your progress with internet etiquette closely, as we do with all of our humble representatives. And as you well know from your time spent studying under out supervision, we require strict adherence to the Codes of Etiquette. With that in mind you are hereby put on a probationary status pending peer review in regards to your conduct during class time. Namely, we have received multiple complaints from your students in regards to your drinking. You are an alcoholic.**We advise you mend these concerns and return once more to the oath which you swore 6 years ago. The Society will be watching.**Sincerely,
Reginald Boof
Headmaster
Society of Etiquette*
- The Society of Etiquette

*She should close her legs as I can almost see her growler*
- Environ Pest Control

*Yo you can't call female genitalia "Growler" anymore the UN voted on this in 2006 that it was a war crime and nobody should ever refer to it as a "Growler" ever again. I don't know if you're aware of this, but the punishment is death so a hit squad of Jeffrey Epstein clones has most likely been dispatched to your location, but keep in mind there's a pretty good chance the Clintons will take them all out before they reach you. All I'm trying to say here is you can't be throwing out words like "Growler" and expect people to be cool with that. It's horrible etiquette and you should know better you dumb fuckin piece of shit. By the way, I'll have you know that my butt is a growler because I store craft beer inside it. Research tower 7*
- Erik

*The fuck am I doing here? What... I'm writing a comment? Whatever sorry to bother you guys I'm just an idiot I think I was meant to be watching a video about health? I... I think this video is about health. Alright so this health video was excellent, I applaud your efforts. You should do food recipes next and show me how to make an omelette out of two eggs and a six pound pork butt. Alright I gotta go puke down the sink so my wife doesn't find out I catapulted off the wagon*
- Erik

*I work at a suicide prevention hotline and this dude's liver has been calling in every day for the past couple years. I had no idea they adapted Leaving Las Vegas into a youtube channel, but I have a feeling it's gonna have the same ending. Listen though, this dude fucking rules. He doesn't give a shit about anything, and that's actually a refreshing act to witness in this day and age. That said, I'm gonna sell all my bitcoin and open a bar across the street from his house because I feel like that might be a better investment. I have to wonder if people would feel relieved or disappointed if these videos wound up being fake. Not to say my man Steve is some kind of phony. I bet even if youtube lawyers forced him to drink just orange juice for this video, he'd still shove a vodka tampon up his boy growler, or browler, due to sheer commitment. Speaking of which I gotta go boof a twelve pack of Zimas for a bachelorette party see you pussies later and don't forget to keep asking yourself what took down tower 7*
- Erik

*Let me tell you about the night I hit rock bottom. It was June of 1997 during my friend Garrett’s bachelor party. There were nine of us in the cabin, and big surprise we ran out of booze before the first night. We worked in shifts the next day, two at a time driving into town and picking up booze, handing the keys to whoever was left sober. But as the sun receded, so did our sobriety. So we were all drunk. And that’s the only reason the police never believed me**We thought it was a dog at first. Dave, the best man, had seen it for what it was and tried to warn us. Fog had set around our cabin and become opaque in the moonlight. I still remember how drunk we all were. I was stumbling, registering events seconds after they happened. By the time it was on top of me, I finally noticed the foam spewing from the coyote’s mouth. It was rabid, its jaws snapping inches from my face. Dave was able to wrestle the coyote into his arms, only for it to twist around and dig its teeth into his neck. He pulled it free, ripping sinew and veins as the foam around the coyote’s mouth was rinsed away by a fountain of blood. Dave collapsed and the coyote broke off into the fog, chattering like a deranged child.**We threw Dave in the backseat of my RAV4. Garrett and his brother Mikey applied pressure to his neck as we sped to the hospital. I could swear I saw some foam coming from his mouth even then but it’s hard to remember with everything else that happened. Just as we walked Dave through the hospital doors, he turned and bit Mikey’s nose off. Security immediately detained him as staff rushed Mikey onto a gurney. We were all left in shock.**A few hours later, Dave’s doctor told us they were unable to stop the bleeding and that he had died. They were unable to stop the bleeding because he wouldn’t let them. He had bitten a nurse and nearly strangled himself trying to escape his restraints. Mikey was in surgery to save his nose. The remaining seven of us left for the parking lot, to discuss calling Dave’s parents. But when we exited the building, the coyote was waiting for us on the hood of my car.**It snarled, unleashing crimson drool from between its teeth. We all tensed up, and I’m convinced that if we were sober we would have concocted a plan. But instead, I lost my friends. Garrett went first, chasing after the coyote and clapping his hands. It pounced at him. He was able to kick it in midair and for a moment it seemed like we could swarm the thing and overpower it. That’s when the nurse stepped out of the entrance behind us and stuck a scalpel into Garrett’s chest. Foam streamed from the corners of her mouth and floated up in the air as if weightless. Garrett hit the ground hard, his head making a hollow knock against the concrete. The sick nurse retrieved her scalpel and turned to our buddy Stan, who awkwardly tried to wrestle the surgical tool from her hands before she slipped it through his fingers and stuck it vertically up his chin, pinning his jaw tight and snipping his tongue in half. That’s as much as I saw while sprinting away.**I made it around the corner of the hospital, towards a row of windows where I could maybe get the attention of someone. From the direction of the parking lot behind me, I saw rivulets of foam floating above the building and joining with the fog. The first few windows led to empty offices, until suddenly I was looking inside the room where they had Mikey resting after surgery. Dave's doctor was hunched over him, chewing. He’d eaten Mikey’s new nose, plus half his face. Mikey snapped his head to look at me, foam dancing from his mouth and collecting on the ceiling. I started running again. I heard the window break behind me, and I knew they’d catch me because I was so drunk I could barely keep my balance.**It was only luck that I stumbled upon the coyote again. It was limping with a broken leg thanks to Garrett. I chased after it, hoping to kill the harbinger of this nightmare, until it skittered underneath a parked ambulance. I leapt into the driver's seat and began weeping when my hand brushed over the key still in the ignition. Two hours later, I was back home with the worst hangover of my life. And that is why I don’t drink anymore. I am still dabbin tho*
- Erik

*This is an open letter response to the Society of Etiquette for threatening my job. Fuck you, you stuck up prissy little btiches. I don't need this job! I QUIT. I'M DRUNKA ND I QUIT. I WILL DO THE JOB ON MY OWN BECAUSE IM SPONSORED BY RAYFON U FUCKIN SULTS. Steve, you rule, keep prankin these cops just make suer they don't shoot you because they do that sometimes. But to my so called bosses at the Society, suck my asshole I wasted my life trying to play by your rules but guess what turns out thers no rules. Ther'es no rules for anything, and I can dow hatever the fuck I want. So from now on how bout you call me self employed salvia OR NOT is liek you guys ever liked me anyways drinking is fun heres a penis (\_))\_)(LLLLLLLLLLD*
- Erik

## Context

1. ↑ Leaving Las Vegas is a movie about an alcoholic man, and it ends with his death.

## Video

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