Nancy Baloney

Representative Baloney

Nancy Baloney (nee. Bologna) was an American politician, and served in the United States House of Representatives for a very long time. As Speaker of the House, and a staunch Blue Corporate Interests Party candidate, Nancy worked tirelessly to... um...

### Meat Factory Incident

Nancy was born in 80 BB in Maryland. She was birthed from a freak accident at a Meat Factory, wherein a female worker (Beth) fell into a meat grinder and her conscious was fused with the amorphous animal slop on the conveyor belt. Nancy gained consciousness and immediately began screaming in pain, at her accursed existence as an amalgamation of six different animals, as well as the fractured soul of what had once been a human woman. Poor Beth.

The Authorities were called in to deal with the monstrosity. However, none of their weapons were able to penetrate her thick, cow-horse skin. Eventually, all employees were ordered to evacuate the premises. Mustard gas was deployed into the Animal Friends meat factory.

Unfortunately, this only served to season Nancy, and she was unaffected by the noxious odor. An entirely blind creature, Nancy ran aimlessly around the factory until she ran straight through an aluminum garage door and was unleashed into the world.

### Wanted Meat

Nancy, now going by the name 'Nan', was stampeding through the streets of Baltimore, crashing into pedestrians and outdoor furniture. Military helicopters were flying overhead, barking for Nancy to stand down over loudspeakers. Nancy, completely deaf, declined this offer, and instead elected to continue barreling down the road, running instinctively South. This internal compass she possessed was an artifact of one of the many unfortunate animals that her flesh had once belonged to.

### Pilgrimage

It just so happened that 40 miles due south of Baltimore was the United States Capital Realm of Washington, District of Cock.

The Federal Government, seeing the anomalous blob of meat storming towards the Capitol Building, decided to send in the United States Air Force to deal with Nan. Nan, screaming with the vocal chords of four different animals, was struck with several different varieties of airstrike missiles, as well as one Gigatranquilizer (the same mechanism would later be used to sedate the Great MAGA King). The weapons either bounced off or traveled straight through Nancy. Nancy eventually made it to the Capitol Steps. Here, she interrupted a campaign event for then-candidate John Fitzgerald Kennedy, by storming onto the stage and destroying the microphone stand. Her mindless groaning and inconcievable screams were televised nationally, courtesy of the JFK 1960 Presidential Campaign.

### American Brainrot

Well, believe it or not, the brainrotten American Populous found Nancy's incoherent animalistic rambling rather impressive, and ended up electing her to represent Maryland's 11th district in the House of Representatives. Her inability to speak, hear, or see ended up not being that much of an inconvience, as she was still more coherent than 50% of U.S. Congresspeople. She served in the House for forty years, and then was appointed to be Speaker of the House, where she would serve for another forty-one years, until her unfortunate death at the hands of Dark MAGA Acolytes.

### Democracy Dies in Dark MAGA

At the United States Capitol Riot, Nancy and the other United States Representatives barricaded themselves inside of the Senate Chamber as repurposed Combine artillery rained down on the Capitol Dome. The vicious screams of the Great MAGA King echoed throughout the building, with such pleasant suggestions as "Hang that motherfucker {Mike Pence}, grab him, and hang him by his little tiny dick!" and "Turn those security cams off, turn them off!". Dark MAGA Acolytes were smashing at the doors, screaming that it was their 'patriotic duty' to slaughter their entire government. Nancy, sensing through the vibrations that something was amiss, ran screaming towards the door, smashing through it and collapsing over several dozen Dark MAGA Acolytes, killing them instantly.

Several moments later, a Combine Strider shot a heating tank on the floor below, causing a massive explosion and throwing Nancy backwards into the door frame. Had it not been for Nancy, the explosion would have killed all of her compatriots, however, thanks to her brave sacrifice, the blast was diminished and she bought her coworkers precious time to attempt to escape. Several people were able to escape, but the blast destabilized the Capitol Dome, and it soon collapsed onto the room, killing everyone inside, including Nancy.

In a perfect society, Nancy would have been remembered for her bravery; however, the Brainrotten President-Elect had completely forgotten she existed by that point (he hadn't seen her for several days). So, she was lost to the sands of time, a monstrous creature with a noble heart.