Bertram Bustanut

Bustanut in 2023.

**Dr. Bertram Gertrude Arnold Palmer Bustanut** *(Born **Fenwick Burtlesberry**)* is a local fatass, material gworl, and swamp monster who currently resides in a marsh outside of Ypsilanti Charter Township, Michigan. He is the current owner of the Detroit Red Wings NHL team. He is famous for being described as a "worthless member of society" and his lengthy feud with Texas senator Ted Cruz. Bustanut also is the honorary mayor of the town of Choccolocco, Alabama, one of the many towns he bought with his immense wealth he acquired due to his marriage with Texas governor Greg Abbott.

## Early Life

Bertram was born as *Fenwick Burtlesberry* on March 19, 1970 in Goebbels, Aroostook County, Maine. He was described by many as a "fat, ugly child" who had a voracious appetite for anything that could vaguely be considered "food". He would often eat entire plates and silverware and, on one occasion, ate a live duck he stole from a local pond. His favorite dish, however, was one he called "meatballs and meatballs", which was simply just spaghetti and meatballs with *only* meatballs, usually served in a mixing bowl or a colander. He would usually eat the dish twice a day and would often the bowl it was served in after finishing the main course. His constant eating of both food and inedible objects would result in his weight ballooning to 243 pounds by the age of 7 and him losing every single one of his teeth by age 9. Also around this time, Bertram began competing in numerous child beauty pageants across Maine and New Hampshire. By age 12, he had competed in 42 of them, and had won 41. When questioned about how a "fatass fag" like Bertram could win so many pageants, a judge from Kid Pageants Northeast stated "Bertram is an odd child, and odd children are fucking hilarious. Me and the other judges split a gut laughing every time he comes on stage.". Bertram's only pageant loss would come at the 23rd annual New Hampshire Child Beauty Pageant on January 17, 1981, when he had his 3rd heart attack on stage and was subsequently disqualified by the judge of the event, future US Supreme Court justice Brett Kavanaugh. This caused Bertram to fly into a rage, and he proceeded to set 16 children on fire and drive a car into a Burger King, resulting in numerous casualties. Bertram was arrested and was supposed to be sent to a local prison until his trial, however a clerical error resulted in him being sent to the Ram Ranch outside of Matamoras, Pennsylvania instead. He was put in the children's wing of the ranch, and has since gone on to state that "[Ram Ranch] raised me more than my parents ever did".

## Adolescence

In early 1986, at the age of 15, Bertram was released from Ram Ranch, however only after a 7-hour struggle to get him to leave the facility. He was then escorted back to his home in Goebbels. However, upon seeing that his parents had removed most of the dishes that Bertram ate (including most cutlery and dishware), he flew into a rampage wherein he kicked the family car off of a bluff, killed an entire nest of barred owls when he violently shook a birch tree, and ate most of the front door of his house. Fed up with Bertram's behavior over the past 15 years, his parents decided to abandon him in the parking lot of a combined Taco Bell and Lowe's in the nearby town of Presque Isle.