TRP: Goro and Jonn (Notebook)

LINA

[Setting: Day 429, the castle.]

One of the strangest things, as Goro was getting his memories back, was thinking back on the shit that'd happened when he was totally amnesic.

Some of it wasn't surprising at all. Amari mothering the hell out of him. Mishka being careful and kind, but a little cheeky like always. Hansel being so cautious, so gentle, checking on his boundaries before he did anything but also being quick to cuddle and kiss him when Goro wanted it.

Others were kinda more surprising. Morgan being real sweet to him, sincerely. Sam seeking him out at all. Luci barely keeping her shit together, when she was someone Goro normally thought of as always keeping it together. (Clearly wasn't true. He was gonna have to look out for her better.)

And Jonn. Jonn had acted real fucking weird, too.

Goro kinda figured the two of them oughta talk about it.

He wandered the castle for a while, asking after him, and was eventually pointed out to the stables.

IZZY

Jonn was, indeed, out at the stables. He'd ridden his own horse to the castle, and he'd trotted her out of her stall and by the lake, himself all loaded down by his own backpack and her saddle, and was brushing her mane and murmuring to her.

LINA

"Hey Jonn," Goro called as he approached. Keeping an easy pace, casual posture. Didn't wanna freak him out.

IZZY

Jonn glanced over to him and waved a bit.

LINA

"You taking off?" Goro said when he walked up.

IZZY

"Yeah. Gotta get back to work, and stuff." He didn't seem like he was in a big hurry, though.

LINA

"You got a minute? I wanted to talk to you."

IZZY

"Uh. Okay." He winced a tiny bit, wary.

LINA

"Nothing bad," Goro said. Eh, that was a fucking lie. "Wanna sit down somewhere?"

IZZY

He frowned a little more. "Do we ... have to?"

LINA

Goro thought about it. His first urge was to say something like, nah, nah, 'course not. You got places to be, or something along those lines.

But nah, fuck that. They needed to have this talk, and he didn't want Jonn having one foot out the door for half of it.

"Yeah, kid. We sure do."

IZZY

"'Kay," he said slowly. He shrugged the saddle onto a stump that the shorter people in the castle often used as a leg up onto their mounts, then looped his horse's reins around a post to let her graze, giving her mane one more brush. He slipped his hands into his pockets and looked to Goro for direction.

LINA

Goro stuck his hands in his pockets, too, and jerked his head toward the lakeshore. He led the way, stopping at a bench. He wasn't sure Jonn would wanna sit right next to him, though. So he just squatted down instead, arms crossed on top of his knees, looking out over the water.

IZZY

Jonn hesitated for a moment, then sat beside him, folding his legs under himself, and started picking at the grass.

LINA

Goro was quiet for a while. Then he gave Jonn a hard look. "Don't fuckin' run off."

IZZY

Jonn immediately looked like he wanted to run off.

LINA

"Don't. I ain't gonna hurt you, or anything. I swear." Goro stuck out his pinkie.

IZZY

He'd hunched his shoulders, and looked Goro over warily, but slowly stuck his hand out to link his pinkie with Goro's. "Okay. I won't."

LINA

Satisfied, Goro crossed his arms and looked out over the water again. "I wanna talk about the Diva shit."

IZZY

He winced and hunkered down a little more, looking back at the grass. "Okay."

LINA

"I forgive you," Goro said. Jonn hadn't asked, but it seemed like a good thing to start with.

IZZY

"What?"

LINA

"You did a shitty thing to me. I forgive you."

IZZY

He shifted in place and made an nn sound.

LINA

Goro sighed. He stared at Jonn out of the corner of his eye for a minute. "You know I'd do fucking anything for Hansel? This ain't a rhetorical question. Do you know that?"

IZZY

He nodded, still looking down. "Yeah. I know."

LINA

"Sometimes, that means backing down when he tells me to back down. I used to joke about bringing his stepdad back from the dead just so I could fucking murder him again, but it just made him upset. So I quit. Even though you and I both know that motherfucker died too easy."

IZZY

"Yeah," he said again, more quietly. "I know."

LINA

"But I get it." Goro looked at his hand and started picking at a hangnail. "I get the urge. To hurt anyone and everything that's ever hurt him. Including myself. And I get the fucking allure of the black-eyed shopkeeper promising you she'll make your dreams come true in exchange for something so tiny. I felt that fucking desperation."

IZZY

Jonn pulled his knees up to wrap his arms around them. "Yeah."

LINA

"Used to try and tell myself we were so different." Goro shook his head. He bit off a piece of fingernail and spat it toward the water. "'Cause of this or that. Don't fucking matter what, 'cause it was all bullshit. We ain't that different. We both did something fucking stupid, tangling with that bitch. We both paid for it, we both still are."

IZZY

He rocked in place, a little, and was quiet. After a beat, he hesitantly said, "We are different, though."

LINA

"Uh huh? How?" There was some obvious shit, but Goro wanted to know if Jonn was gonna come up with something self-deprecating. It's what he would do himself.

IZZY

"I dunno. A lot of ways."

LINA

Goro snorted. "Yeah huh. I know. But I meant about the Diva thing."

IZZY

"Yeah, but ... but that, too." He kept shifting in place.

LINA

"Yeah, I mean, I fuckin' guess I wasn't trying to hurt nobody, and you were. So fuckin' what? That ain't a high horse I can get on. I'm a selfish motherfucker. Wouldn't have cared if I'd hurt people who weren't my friends. I hurt people all the fucking time, and don't think twice about it. I'm a fucking bastard, Jonn, and I guess so are you, but we got a family full of 'em. And the thing is--" He knew he was kinda rambling, but he was almost at his point. "Everyone fucking forgave me for the Diva shit. I'm not sure any of 'em even blamed me in the first place, but they should have. I ain't forgiven myself, that's for sure. But for god's sake, if everyone's gonna forgive me for it, then you deserve the same. That's what I think."

IZZY

Jonn frowned. He seemed to take a moment to think about that. "I made it ... worse, though. I did worse things." He uncurled one arm to tear at the grass. "And ... everyone did blame me. So."

LINA

"She couldn't've pulled it off without both of us," Goro said. "She just couldn't. People can point their fucking fingers where they want."

IZZY

"Well ... they did," Jonn mumbled. "So it was my fault."

LINA

"What the fuck ever. I ain't gonna sit here and argue it with you. The whole point of forgiving someone is you know they did something wrong. I said, you fucked up, and I forgive you. Alright?"

IZZY

He kept pulling up grass. "But, like. Why."

LINA

Goro squinted out at the lake. He thought about it for a while. He really, honestly thought about it.

"I don't know," he said. "It just... happened, one day. I just did."

IZZY

"When?" he persisted.

LINA

Goro frowned at him, puzzled. "Do you just not believe me, or what?"

IZZY

"I mean --." He stopped, chewing on his lip. "I mean, it's just ... 'cause of Hansel," he said quietly. "It's just 'cause you love Hansel. Like ... Mishka wanted to skin me, but he didn't. 'Cause of Hansel. Doesn't mean he's, like, my fucking friend."

LINA

"I'm your stepdad," Goro said, feeling somewhat awkward about it, 'cause it still seemed almost too weird to be true.

And, he guessed, it was true for Mishka, too.

"Like, listen," Goro continued. "You and I got a relationship. You don't see Hansel sitting here with us right now, do you?"

IZZY

He shook his head obediently.

LINA

"It's true I might never've gave you a second thought if it weren't for Hansel," Goro said. "But so what? Same's true of Luci, and Marion, and Leigh. You're all my family now. Not just extensions of him."

IZZY

"Luci and Marion and Leigh didn't do anything wrong, though," Jonn said, sounding kind of uncertain.

LINA

"Marion sure did," Goro muttered, "but that ain't the point."

IZZY

He frowned a little. "Yeah," he said. "She did."

LINA

Goro whirled toward him and pointed in his face. "Don't get any goddamn ideas."

IZZY

Jonn flinched and cringed away. "I didn't!" His voice pitched up. "I wasn't. I won't."

LINA

Goro relaxed, crossing his arms again. "I just don't know where the line is for you. You get what I mean?"

IZZY

He scooted away a bit and looked in the opposite direction, nodding silently.

LINA

"Ain't mean you don't got one, just that I don't know where it is." Goro squinted at him briefly, then looked at the water again. "You remember I told you one time you gotta listen to your gut?"

IZZY

He hid half his face behind his knees, wrapping his arms around them again. "Yeah," he said, muffled.

LINA

"You figure out what it means yet?"

IZZY

He shrugged. "Dunno. No."

LINA

That was one of the ways they were different. Goro'd been listening to his gut for most of his life. He did still wonder if Jonn even had the capability, or if that part of him was just... missing.

"It's what tells you what's true about the world," he said. "Who means well, and who's gonna screw you over. Difference between right and wrong. A hunch about how shit's gonna turn out."

IZZY

He rocked back and forth in place a little, and shrugged again. "I don't know about that stuff." Sounding a bit reluctant, he went on, "The Eldathyns tried to tell me, you know, stuff like ... like people always wanna do the right thing, and about what's right and wrong, but they were full of shit. Like ... if I'd done what they said, me and Luci would've died in Skyport. And Luci is great. It wouldn't've been good if she died. So -- so I try to think, like, about what Hansel would tell me to do. When I don't know."

LINA

Well, if you needed someone to substitute for gut feelings, Goro supposed Hansel was a pretty good choice.

"Too bad you didn't get picked up by Maskarrans," he said absentmindedly. "They understand shit like how sometimes stealing ain't wrong." He remembered something Luci had said to him a few days back. "Hey, if you ever got questions about Mask or whatever, you can always ask me. I'm glad to help. Honest. It's one of my jobs as a cleric."

IZZY

He stayed wrapped around himself, shifting uneasily. "'Kay." He paused for a moment. "You think Mask would actually want me?"

LINA

"Yes," Goro said, not even needing to think about it. "He's always there for people like you. Like us."

IZZY

"But, like ... how can you be sure?"

LINA

Goro smirked and patted his belly. "Gut feeling." He looked out over the water again. "Nah, uh... Luci'll tell you the same thing. When a god chooses you to become their cleric, you can feel what they want, almost as clear as you can feel your own wants. It's the only way our magic works. We have to match up with them." He shrugged. "That and I actually got a spell that lets me get straight answers from him. But I don't need that to know something so simple."

IZZY

"You don't know everything about me, though," he said quietly.

LINA

"Don't need to, long as Mask does." Goro glanced at him sideways. "What, you got something you wanna tell me? A confession, like the old Helmites did?"

IZZY

He scowled and ducked down more. "No."

LINA

"Well, there's a reason Maskarrans don't bother with that shit, anyway. Mask don't need his followers to be all pure, and shit. He's got a lot of dirty, desperate people who pray to him, and he doesn't turn his back on them just 'cause they did bad shit. People who gotta fight to survive, they live moment to moment, right? Mask's all about the here and now. Not about what happened yesterday."

IZZY

Jonn mulled this over. "Okay," he said finally. "That ... that makes sense." He shifted around a bit more, relaxing a little. "Thanks."

LINA

"'Course. I'm just speaking the truth." Goro glanced at him sideways again. "Y'know, this ain't got nothing to do with anything, but... you always... move, and hold yourself, like you hate being you. And like you expect everyone else to hate you too." Goro fuckin' knew the feeling, after all. He was pretty sure he could recognize it.

IZZY

He shrugged and didn't answer.

LINA

"I don't hate you," Goro said. He wondered if he loved him. For some reason, he couldn't tell. He felt like he didn't know Jonn well enough. Jonn was always squirming away. Too hard to pin down. Goro'd always tried to be that way, too.

He scooted closer and tentatively put an arm around Jonn's shoulders.

IZZY

Jonn tensed up for a moment, clearly startled. He tucked his hands under his arms and settled in a little, though. "Okay," he said, puzzled, whether in response to what Goro had said or to the hug.

LINA

Goro put his other arm around him and squeezed him. "Ain't just 'cause of Hansel," he assured him. "I don't do shit halfway. You're my family now."

IZZY

"But ... why, though," he repeated.

LINA

Goro couldn't figure out what kind of answer was gonna satisfy him. "Why are you Hansel's family? Or Luci's?"

IZZY

"Iuno," he mumbled. "'Cause they want me, I guess."

LINA

Goro snorted. "If I tell you I want you, you're just gonna ask me why, ain't you?"

IZZY

"Yeah, probably," he admitted. "I mean ... 'cause I'm not, like, good to you. Luci makes sure I'm good to her. And Hansel doesn't really care if people are good to him or not. Usually people just ... I dunno. They don't want you if you're not good enough."

LINA

"Be good to me, then," Goro said.

IZZY

"I'm trying," he mumbled.

LINA

"Well, then. That's all any of us can really do. 'S'all anyone can expect."

IZZY

"Yeah, but --." He wrapped around himself tighter and made a frustrated sound. "I don't know how. I try to, like, watch other people, and see what you like when they do it, but -- I'm not other people, 'cause I fucked up, and I hurt you, and I don't wanna do it again or make you upset, so I can't, like, do the thing Hansel does, where he just knows better and takes care of people whether they like it or not, 'cause I don't fucking know."

LINA

"Well, fuckin' quit that. Trying to copy other people. 'Cause you ain't Hansel, or anyone else. You just gotta do your own thing. You want a list of shit I hate? Would that help?"

IZZY

He thought for a beat. "Um. Yeah. Actually. Yeah."

LINA

"'Kay. 'Kay. Sure. I can do that." Goro gave it a bit of thought. What his non-negotiables were. "One, don't lie to me. Ain't even worth it, anyway, since I'm real good at sniffing out lies. If you don't wanna tell me something, just say you don't wanna tell me. Number two, and this one oughta be obvious, but don't hurt anyone I love. If you want, I can write you a list. I'm serious. I did it a few weeks back, even. Listed all my family members. It's fresh in my mind. You with me so far?"

IZZY

He nodded. "Uh-huh."

LINA

"So, yeah. What else." Goro tapped his fingers on his knees. "You can touch me. I ain't allergic, or nothing. Just make sure I see it coming, first. I don't like surprises. Ah, that's a good one, right there. Don't surprise me, or trick me, or prank me, or any of that kinda shit."

IZZY

He nodded some more, eager, watching Goro now instead of looking away. "I can do all that."

LINA

"Alright. Let's see. Don't... spy on me, or snoop on my shit, or whatever. Or tell people shit about me. Guess it ain't as big a deal now since you're working for Larkin. She's fine. You can trust Larkin. If Larkin wonders if you've seen me lately, or asks about me, fine. But people who don't know me? Don't care about me? Hell no. You might as well be a snitch."

IZZY

"Yeah, definitely."

LINA

"And don't fuckin' betray me. You know what Hansel would think of that."

IZZY

He nodded furiously. "Yeah. I wouldn't." Then he hesitated. "Unless it was for Hansel."

LINA

"Fair enough." Goro couldn't imagine anything that'd make Hansel okay with Jonn betraying him, but if they got to that point, Goro'd just as soon slit his own throat. "Yeah. Guess that's about it. My non-negotiables. What about you? You got any shit you can't stand?"

IZZY

He looked blank.

LINA

Goro ground his teeth a little. Fuckin' worrisome. He figured he'd help him get started. "Hurting kids. You can't stand it when people hurt kids."

IZZY

"Yeah," he said slowly. "But, I mean, you wouldn't ... do that."

LINA

"Yeah, not really. But I'm just giving you an example. What's the shit other people might do that'd make you hate 'em?"

IZZY

"Umm." He frowned, thinking. "I ... really hated Maaki. 'Cause ... he tried to hurt Larkin." He frowned a little harder, and pulled in on himself. "'Cause I was scared he'd hurt her like he hurt me."

LINA

Goro stared. "You sure you didn't hate him 'cause he hurt you?"

IZZY

He shrugged. "Iuno. I wanted him to. 'Cause he gave me and Finch free stuff for it."

LINA

Goro got a wave of nausea over that. "Maaki's dead now, right?"

IZZY

"I killed him. Yeah."

LINA

"Good. But I'm sad I didn't get to help."

IZZY

"I messed things up by killin' him," Jonn said, sullen. "We were just supposed to be threatening him. Sending a message. I just got ... upset. I fucked up."

LINA

"Good," Goro insisted.

IZZY

"It's not," Jonn insisted right back.

LINA

"People like that ain't worth the air they breathe," Goro muttered. "But whatever. Ain't the point. I'm not gonna hurt Larkin, or hurt you to extort Finch, for that matter, so, you get a freebie on that one. What else makes you hate people?"

IZZY

"Umm." He frowned. "Iuno. I like most people. I didn't like Morgan 'cause I thought she hurt Helena."

LINA

"You got a list of people I shouldn't fuck with, then? Besides Hansel and Luci?"

IZZY

"Finch," he said immediately. "Umm. Asya, but I dunno why you would."

LINA

"Dunno why I would either, but shit comes up. 'S'why I gotta ask. God, you really just let people do whatever the fuck they want to you, don't you? Long as they don't hurt people you care about."

IZZY

He shrugged.

LINA

"That's horrifying, kid."

IZZY

He shrugged again, looking uncomfortable and pulling in on himself. "Iuno," he mumbled.

LINA

Goro shook his head. "Just... why? Why doesn't it bother you? You think you deserve it, or something?"

IZZY

Another shrug. "Dunno. Just ... It doesn't really matter? Iuno. It's just a body."

LINA

"But... you live in it. You gotta deal with shit that happens to it."

IZZY

"I guess."

LINA

Goro shook his head again. "Pal, if you don't look out for your body, who will? Hansel and Luci don't got the time. Or Asya."

IZZY

He shrugged yet again.

LINA

"Don't fuckin' shrug at me. If you don't got your own opinion, take mine. Look out for yourself."

IZZY

He scrunched himself down more. "It's other people's opinion too," he mumbled. "Just don't want to."

LINA

"Why not?"

IZZY

He didn't move or say anything.

LINA

"'Cause you hate it?" Goro guessed.

IZZY

"Don't have to hate it," he said quietly. "Luci said I don't have to have any feeling about it at all."

LINA

Ah. Interesting. Goro thought about that for a bit. "She's right," he said. "I don't... have... feelings about most of mine." He hated some parts, or -- he had hated them. It was hard to keep up the distaste for his own reflection when he was looking at something Hansel cherished. "You don't gotta feel anything for it to expect people to treat it okay, though."

IZZY

"I guess." He didn't sound convinced.

LINA

"Like I said, you gotta live in it, so you might as well." Goro frowned at him for a moment. "You do still hate it, though, don'tcha? You move like you do. Like I was saying."

IZZY

"It's not on purpose," he muttered, like he'd been caught getting into trouble.

LINA

"I -- what? Of course it's not -- what?" Goro rubbed his forehead, grimacing.

IZZY

"I'm just like this," he said, into his knees. "Just broken. Not right."

LINA

"You're just different," Goro said. "Who gets to say what's right and what's broken, huh?"

IZZY

"Everyone. You don't think I'm right in the head either," he accused. "Not even Luci or Hansel do. I know they love me, but they don't ... love how I am."

LINA

Goro shrugged. "Yeah, well. I'm a little fucked in the head myself, as it happens."

IZZY

Jonn scoffed, sounding dejected.

LINA

"But just 'cause you're fucked don't mean you can't do better," Goro said. "Doesn't mean you can't learn from your mistakes. Right?"

IZZY

He shrugged, still curled up. "Even when I try, people still act like I'm ... a fucking rabid guard dog that might break its chain," he muttered. "You do. You just did. About Marion."

LINA

"All the more reason for you to keep proving me wrong. Yeah?"

IZZY

"No." He hid his face behind his knees fully. "Not if it just keeps happening. There's no fucking point. At least I'm good at being a rabid guard dog."

LINA

"Are you telling me you're incapable of doing better? Nah. That's bullshit. I don't buy it."

IZZY

"Yeah, you do. Everyone does," he insisted.

LINA

"Do fucking not. You called that truce with Mishka, didn't you? There. There's proof you can change."

IZZY

"He still hates me. And you still think I'd hurt Marion."

LINA

"No I don't. Not after you said you wouldn't." Goro frowned. "And, I mean, yeah, Mishka still hates you. He's probably always gonna. You tried to subject him to hundreds of years of torment, and all. So the fact he's willing to talk to you at all means something, right? Means he thinks you won't do it again."

IZZY

"Hansel's still the only reason he didn't kill me," Jonn said sullenly. "He just fucking should have. It would've made things easier."

He scooted away from Goro a little.

LINA

Goro hooked his arm around Jonn firmly to try and keep him in place.

IZZY

He stopped, shoulders all hunched.

LINA

Goro squeezed him. "Listen. I fuckin' think everyone would've had it easier if someone had offed me a long time ago, too, alright? I know the feeling. I know it fucking sucks. But ain't no point going over it again and again. So what if Hansel's the only reason you're alive? Hansel's fucking good. He's good enough for all of us. We gotta keep trying for him."

IZZY

He shook his head and sniffled. "Hansel doesn't need me anymore. He's got -- you and Mishka and Luci and -- he's got better people than me. Finch used to need me, but now he's got Larkin back. Asya doesn't need me anymore. No one does. Everyone's got someone better, 'cause everyone's better than me."

LINA

"Aw, fuck that shit. I tried saying that to Hansel, once. About how he doesn't need me 'cause he's got Luci for healing and Mishka for being in love with. And he talked me right the fuck outta that. There ain't a quota on family members people can meet, alright? Hansel loves you for you. And if you don't believe me, we can go ask him."

IZZY

He just shook his head again, more fiercely this time.

LINA

"Why not?"

IZZY

"Don't wanna bother him," he mumbled. "Besides, you know he thinks I need to be put down, too, don't you? I'm not fuckin' stupid. I know he does."

LINA

Goro sighed. "'Kay, obviously fuckin' not, or he wouldn't've told Mishka to leave you be."

IZZY

"He's just a big softie. He still thinks it. I can tell when he looks at me."

LINA

"And what are you gonna do about it? Get better?"

IZZY

"It doesn't matter if I get better!" he said, shouting abruptly. He squirmed, like he wanted to get away, but wouldn't move enough. He lifted his head, again, though, and dropped a hand to dig it into the dirt between him and Goro. "Everyone's still always gonna fucking remember what I am."

LINA

Goro squeezed him tighter. It was what Hansel would do. "Oh yeah? What are you?"

IZZY

"Broken." He dug his fingers into the dirt harder and pushed against Goro's hold a little, straining, but not really to get away. "And stupid and wrong and bad and destructive and evil," he blurted, all at once, and just as quickly gave up and leaned into Goro instead, twisting to wrap his arms around Goro's neck and hide against him.

LINA

Goro was a little startled. Quick as he could recover, he repositioned both arms around Jonn, one hand gently on the back of Jonn's head to hold it in place.

"It's alright," he said, squeezing Jonn tight and petting his hair a little. "You're alright. Gonna be okay. Listen. I believe this right down to my bones. It's what you do that matters. And you can do better. Everyone can. You're already doing better."

Goro had to believe that, or else there wasn't any point for him, either.

"My ma says -- evil's a choice you make," he added.

IZZY

"Amari's an Eldathyn," he said miserably, muffled.

LINA

"So?"

IZZY

"Eldathyns don't know what they're fucking talking about," he insisted.

LINA

"You saying my ma's full of shit?" Goro said, like he himself hadn't accused her of that a million times.

IZZY

"Yeah," he mumbled, starting to pull away a little.

LINA

Goro didn't let him. "She is," he admitted, "but -- you ever noticed how goddamn happy she is? Maybe she's got a point, here and there."

IZZY

He stopped trying to get away and made a doubtful ehh sound.

LINA

"She says evil's a choice, and people who choose it just think they don't got any better way." Goro reflected on that a moment. Really seemed like Jonn didn't think he had other options. "But you do."

IZZY

He sniffled again. "I'm trying. But it doesn't matter." His voice broke. "I'm still like this."

LINA

"Jonn. Fuck. Jeez. Of course it fucking matters. Who told you it didn't? Who told you you couldn't choose to do the right thing?"

IZZY

"I don't know. No one. Everyone. It doesn't matter," he said again. "I keep trying to -- to make the right choices, but people still know I'm ... bad. I can't -- I can't make myself look right. People just know, when they look at me."

LINA

Goro squinted. "Eh? The fuck are you talking about?"

IZZY

"People always know!" he insisted.

LINA

"That you're... broken, or whatever?"

IZZY

"Yeah." He squirmed again, uncomfortable.

LINA

"Pal, I don't think that's true. What do you think gives it away?"

IZZY

"My eyes," he muttered.

LINA

"Uh." Goro leaned back far enough to look Jonn in the eyes, then pulled him close again. "Nope. Try again."

IZZY

Jonn turned his head and refused to meet Goro's eyes, only turning back when Goro pulled him back in. "You're lying," he mumbled.

LINA

"I am not, and you know it."

IZZY

"It's what other people say," he insisted, sounding worn down. "It's my eyes. They're wrong. They're empty."

LINA

"Who? What other people?"

IZZY

"Dunno. Other thieves. Helena. People I worked for."

LINA

Goro had to bite his tongue from saying fuck Helena. "Does Luci say it?"

IZZY

He hesitated, then shook his head. "She says sometimes it's hard to make faces do what other people think they're supposed to do."

LINA

"Does Hansel say it?"

IZZY

"No."

LINA

"Does Asya say it?" Finch, like Helena, could go fuck himself.

IZZY

He shook his head again.

LINA

"Well, then. If all the people who mean the most to you don't think it's true, what makes you think you oughta put any stock into it, huh?"

IZZY

"I want people to like me," he said miserably.

LINA

"Oh. God. Yeah." Goro swallowed, his eyes stinging suddenly. He blinked it away. "Yeah. I get that. But... but you can't control other people, so. Just gotta... cling to the ones that do. Like you, I mean."

IZZY

He sniffled and made another unhappy nn sound.

LINA

"You and me are real lucky. We found some good ones."

IZZY

"Yeah," he said, reluctantly. "But it's ... they're ... I'll fuck it up. It's only as long as I'm good, and -- and I always fuck up."

LINA

Goro frowned. "Okay, uh. Clearly that's not fucking true. None of that."

IZZY

"Yeah, it is."

LINA

"Wouldn't Hansel have quit loving you after you fucked with Mishka, then?" God knew Goro was pretty sure Hansel would leave him if he pulled shit like that.

IZZY

"He did. He picked Mishka."

LINA

"He didn't pick anybody. He still loves you."

IZZY

"He used to live with me," Jonn said quietly, choked up. "Now he lives with Mishka."

LINA

"How many goddamn times have I told you you oughta come stay at the castle with us? There's room for you. I fucking swear."

IZZY

"It doesn't matter how much fucking room there is!" He got loud again, then slowly quieter. "I can't just -- fucking be around Mishka. He hates me. I don't wanna -- be around him and -- and make him feel bad, and make shit weird for Hansel. It's better if I'm not around," he finished, mumbling.

LINA

"Says you," Goro muttered. "Anytime I start trying to tell you what Hansel thinks, you just start telling me what you think again. I dunno how else to get through to you, kid."

IZZY

He groaned and started trying to pull away again.

LINA

Goro didn't let him. "Hey. Hey, fuckin' -- settle. It's alright."

He kept getting the fleeting thought that he oughta just let Jonn go, if Jonn was trying to get away, but -- it was just too goddamn familiar, the way he groaned and squirmed, and one of the best things Hansel had ever done for Goro was to keep holding him even when it got hard.

IZZY

He kind of groaned again, half a whine, but did settle, and after just a second, tucked himself against Goro, again. He sniffled and mumbled, "I'm sorry. I'm doing this wrong. I'm being annoying."

LINA

"No you're not," Goro said, puzzled. "Eh?"

IZZY

"Being difficult. That's what the Eldathyns said I was."

LINA

"Are you doing it on purpose?"

IZZY

He shook his head.

LINA

"Then I don't give a shit."

IZZY

He made a doubtful nn noise, but slowly said, "Okay."

LINA

Goro kept hugging him.

IZZY

He sniffled again and quietly said, "Thanks," hugging Goro back.

LINA

You don't gotta thank me, he almost said, but remembered all the times he'd tried to thank people for being good to him. It mattered. "'Course."

IZZY

He shook his head a little. "People usually get ... I dunno. Really annoyed when I'm upset. Not Hansel, or Luci, but ... other people. Annoyed or -- or scared, 'cause they think I'm gonna do something."

LINA

"Well, that fuckin' sucks, buddy. I'm sorry."

IZZY

He sniffled again and cuddled against Goro harder.

LINA

Goro petted his hair some more and rubbed his back. Felt a little out of his depths, here -- seemed like something Luci or Hansel would do a better job at, but -- he didn't wanna just push Jonn away or anything. He seemed to be doing okay now.

IZZY

After a moment, Jonn pulled a hand back so he could wipe his eyes on the cuff of his long sleeve. He settled in a little, calm now. "I thought I was in trouble," he said guiltily. "When you said we needed to talk. But this is ... um, nice."

LINA

"That conversation we had while I had no memory was fucked up," Goro said. "I just wanted to clear the air. Didn't know it all still bothered you so much."

IZZY

He sniffled. "It's fine."

LINA

"Uh, clearly it isn't."

IZZY

He made that uncomfortable nn sound again. "I just want you to like me, but I figured ... y'know."

LINA

"Yeah," Goro said, 'cause he sure did know. "I do like you. I like it when you come around."

IZZY

"Really?" he asked hopefully.

LINA

"Yeah, really. I like how you're all chipper and shit to balance out the gloomy motherfuckers like me, and I like the way you're always looking out for people. And you're real thoughtful, too, getting me my bracelet, and the blanket. And the roses the other day, too."

IZZY

He fidgeted, just squirming in place happily. "Oh. Okay. Neat." Then, like someone had reminded him, he added, "Thank you."

LINA

"Uh. Nah, I mean. I'm just telling it how it is." He kept wishing he could repay Jonn for the stuff Jonn had got him, somehow, but he didn't have any ideas. "Hey, did you end up liking that clay I got you?"

IZZY

He nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah. I almost always have it with me. I like it."

LINA

"Oh." Goro was kinda surprised to hear it. "Well, good. I'm glad it's helping."

IZZY

"It, um. It mostly helps 'cause, like, uh." He sounded embarrassed. "It helps me remember, like, that someone ... wanted me to do better, and tried to help me not hurt myself."

LINA

Aw. Jeez. "Good. I'm glad you got that reminder." Goro gave him a brief squeeze even tighter than he'd been doing.

IZZY

He made a happy noise at the squeeze.

LINA

"Do you... know why you hurt yourself?" Goro asked carefully, after a moment. He knew it was a tough fucking question. Wasn't sure he'd be able to answer it himself.

IZZY

He fidgeted a little more. "I dunno," he said slowly. "It's ... better than hurting other people. The Eldathyns said I would, um, lash out."

LINA

"What's that mean?" Lashing out could mean a lotta different shit.

IZZY

"Dunno," he said again, but went on. "I would, like ... get upset about stuff ... and scratch people, or bite'em if they got too close."

LINA

"Upset about what stuff?" Goro asked, 'cause that could make a difference. Sometimes people deserved to get bit.

IZZY

"Like ... food, and when people were trying to help Luci and I didn't want'em near her," he said guiltily. "Or when I had stuff I wasn't supposed to have, like shivs, or like, food stashed away under my bed, um ... I dunno. Stuff."

LINA

Goro frowned. Got this weird crawling feeling in his stomach, listening to Jonn describe it. One he could feel creeping up toward his throat, where it might choke him.

"Amari was better than that," he blurted. "She would've left you be, and then you wouldn't've had to lash out."

IZZY

"Amari's really nice," he said, kind of noncommittally. "Um. I mean, the Eldathyns were nice, I just ... caused a lotta trouble."

LINA

"Nah, nah. I told you this before. Amari ain't just nice, she's loving. Did the Eldathyns love you?"

IZZY

"No?" he sounded nonplussed.

LINA

"People who love you don't make you feel bad for shit like... wanting to defend yourself, or wanting to make sure you got food." Goro scowled at nothing. "So fuck them."

IZZY

"Yeah, but, like ... I was doing bad stuff," he said doubtfully.

LINA

"Hell nah you weren't. You were looking out for yourself and your sister. Anyone who's got a problem with that can go fuck themselves."

IZZY

"Hurting people is bad, though," he said, still doubtful. "I mean ... the Eldathyns don't even, like, want you to defend yourself, and other people, and stuff, and that's bullshit, but I mean, they weren't like hurting me and Luci or anything. They weren't doing anything bad. I shouldn't've scratched them and stuff." After a second, he added, "Right?"

LINA

Goro hesitated. He had the feeling that whatever he said, Jonn was really gonna take it to heart. Goro didn't wanna fuck the kid up more by just being like nah, fuck 'em.

"Maybe you shouldn't have scratched them," he allowed, "but they were doing something bad. They were scaring you, and they shoulda done better. Fuckin'... I guess, yeah, sometimes there's other ways besides scratching and biting people. But when you're real scared, and shit, when you think it's your life on the line, or your sister's life, who's got time to fuckin' think that through? And weren't you just a goddamn kid? Hell, you're still a goddamn kid, practically."

IZZY

"I'm twenty-four," he objected.

LINA

"Yeah, well." Goro flapped a hand dismissively. "We do the best we can, is my point. You learned how to survive on the street, and you were doing what you knew. If the Eldathyns didn't like it, they shoulda taught you better, not... fuckin' made you feel bad for it."

IZZY

"Yeah, I guess," he said, not sounding so doubtful anymore. "But I caused a lot  of trouble. They got real sick of me."

LINA

"Then they shoulda done better," Goro insisted. "It's just -- listen." His face screwed up, jaw clenching like he was trying to lift something heavy. He hated thinking about this shit. He had a story in him, digging its way up to the surface. Something he'd never thought about in years, never really put into words to explain to someone else.

"When I lived at the abbey -- when I was young, right after I got off the street, I found this place where I started stashing extra food. And... I mean, I got plenty to eat at the abbey, so I didn't fucking need to take things from it, really, and it got kinda old. Kinda nasty, but, nothing worse than the shit you find in garbage bins, right? Anyway, Amari... found it, one time."

IZZY

He nodded. "Yeah, the Eldathyns always found it, when I did that. They said it wasn't safe to eat," he sulked. "It was, though."

LINA

"Amari tried to take mine, yeah. Said it wasn't healthy. I --" Goro winced even more. Felt so fucking hard to say it, for a second he wasn't sure he could actually get it out. "I didn't fuckin' take it well. I really fucking freaked out. I didn't wanna hurt her, or nothing, but. I screamed at her. I really screamed."

IZZY

"I did that a lot," he mumbled.

LINA

Goro kept cringing. Dumb bitch, he'd called her. Like there was anyone in the world who deserved being called that less than her.

"Anyway. You know what she did? Guess."

IZZY

"Dunno. You said she tried to take it," he remembered. "So she ... didn't?"

LINA

Goro shook his head. "She left. And I just kinda sat there, hating myself for a while." He bit the inside of his lip. Like that was so different from what he did the rest of the time. He'd been extra fucking miserable then, though. "After a little while, though, she came back. She had a basket of food. She, uh." He swallowed so he wouldn't get choked up. "She asked if she could trade me for the stuff I had in my stash. Like, a rotten apple for a fresh apple. Moldy cheese for some fresh cheese." She'd wrapped it in wax paper. "One thing at a time. She sat there and swapped everything out with me."

IZZY

"Oh." Jonn was quiet for a moment. "That's ... really smart."

LINA

"So I didn't feel like I had to bite or scratch her," Goro said quietly.

IZZY

He nodded.

LINA

"'M sorry you didn't have someone like her," Goro said. "But. My point is. Just 'cause the Eldathyns were nice don't mean they did everything right. And yeah, it's true you shouldn't hurt people, if you can help it. But there ain't something wrong with you just 'cause you did when you didn't think you had any other choice."

IZZY

"I guess." He sounded more certain now. "Yeah."

LINA

"Now you know you got more choices. And..." Goro thought of something that he figured was obvious, but maybe it wasn't obvious to Jonn. "Everyone gets thoughts about wanting to hurt people, at least sometimes. Thinking bad shit don't make you a bad person."

IZZY

He frowned, brow knitting.

LINA

"It's what you do that matters," Goro insisted. "And you're making a lot better choices nowadays. I know you are. 'Cause you're learning how."

IZZY

"Yeah, but ..." He hesitated. "But I'm still, like ... like this. Inside." He squirmed.

LINA

"What'd I just tell you?"

IZZY

"It's what I do that matters," he repeated obediently. Then he fidgeted again. "But, like ... but it's hard. It's not hard for other people," he muttered. "They know how to ... do stuff. Be better. I have to really try, really hard, and it's ..." He chewed on his lip. "It's like I'm trying to swim upstream. And I gotta try really hard just to like ... stay in one place, and eventually it's too hard, and I gotta take a break, and then -- then I slip up, and I make a mistake, and sometimes it's, like -- a really bad mistake. Like Diva," he said quietly.

LINA

"Ah, pal. I get that." Goro took one arm back to rub his eyes. "Yeah. Yeah. Fuckin' everything's hard for me, just about. It's fucking tiring. Best thing you can do is... when you know you need a break, just go off by yourself somewhere for a while. Or -- if you got a person you can really trust. Someone to just be with you, who knows it's okay to take a break from trying." Goro knew who he was thinking of, but he wasn't sure Jonn had someone like that.

IZZY

"How do I know when I need a break, though?" he asked helplessly.

LINA

"Uh. Well, you tell me. You said you need a break sometimes. Something must be telling you you need a break."

IZZY

"Yeah, 'cause -- 'causs that's when I like, lash out. I dunno how to make it not happen."

LINA

"So you don't see it coming, is what you're saying."

IZZY

He nodded.

LINA

"Well... start paying attention, then. When it gets real hard."

IZZY

Jonn frowned. "I try. It's hard," he protested. "I can tell sometimes, but sometimes I'm, like, busy, or ... whatever."

LINA

Now, that was just fucking puzzling. "Maybe don't be so busy, then. Rest more, and think about shit."

IZZY

He made a frustrated sound, but mumbled, "Okay."

LINA

"Sometimes I like to just..." This felt like a weird thing to say to Hansel's kid, but eh, whatever. "I like to just lie down with Hansel, while he's reading a book or whatever. And he just holds me real tight so I'm relaxed, and I lay there and think for a while. Sometimes an hour or two. Just figuring shit out. Oh, and I like to write shit down a lot, too. That helps me figure things out. You ever write shit down?"

IZZY

"I used to have a journal, but I lost it," he said.

LINA

"Well, let's get you another one, then. Ain't like they're rare. Think I got a couple blank notebooks sitting in my room as we speak."

IZZY

"Okay." He fidgeted, sounding pleased. "I'd like that. Um. That way I can write down, like, stuff I'm not supposed to do. And stuff that's okay to do sometimes, but when. That's what I used my old one for a lot."

LINA

Goro found that a little disturbing, but not nearly as disturbing as the thought of someone like Jonn simply not bothering to keep track of those things at all. He patted Jonn on the shoulder. "Alright. Let's go get it. Can do it now, if you want."

IZZY

"Okay!" he chirped, pulling away a little bit and tucking his boots under himself, to get up more easily.

LINA

Goro climbed to his feet and beckoned for Jonn to follow him toward the castle. "Your horse gonna be okay?"

IZZY

"Yeah." He paused to pet her neck. She did indeed seem pretty docile. "She's a good horse."

LINA

Goro led the way inside and upstairs to his room. He paused outside the common area he shared with Hansel and Mishka. "Uh. Wait out here. 'S'kinda private in there." Between Mishka likely not wanting Jonn around his room, Goro not wanting people in his room at all, and the possibility of there being personal items left out, that seemed like the best bet.

IZZY

"'Kay." He seemed fine with that, just folding his hands behind his back and bouncing on his toes as he waited.

LINA

Goro continued on and into his bedroom. He sat at his desk and pulled open the drawer, then rifled through the notebooks he had stashed in there until he found one he was pretty sure he hadn't written in. He leafed through it just to make sure.

The pages were nice and thick, and there were a lot of them. It had a black leather cover embossed with a rose, and a brass hook closure. He'd snatched it up in the market 'cause he thought it was neat, even though he wasn't through his current notebook yet.

He carried it back out to the landing and held it out to Jonn. "Here you go. All yours."

IZZY

He took it and ran his fingers over the embossed rose, feeling along the edges of it, quiet and still at first, then bouncing in place happily a bit, again. "Thank you," he said, again with the tone as if someone had reminded him and he was obeying dutifully. "This is really nice. You, um. You didn't have to. But this is really nice."

LINA

"Yeah, 'course. I'm glad you like it." Goro ran a hand through his hair. "You got a pen at home, I figure?"

IZZY

"Mmhm. Or Finch has a bunch of them. I can grab one of his if I can't find mine."

LINA

"Pfff. Sure he'd love that." Goro started downstairs again, beckoning for Jonn to follow.

IZZY

"He wouldn't mind." Jonn trotted after him. "He's doing a lot better now," he said firmly.

LINA

"Good. Hey, you sure you don't need any coffee, or lunch or anything, before you hit the road?"

IZZY

Jonn shook his head. "I'm good. Like, four people already tried to feed me."

LINA

"Pfff. You know that means they care about you, right? It's a way people show affection."

IZZY

He grinned a little, glancing down. "Yeah, I know. I noticed. 'Cause two of'em were Luci and Hansel."

LINA

"Good." Goro paused a moment until Jonn caught up, then patted him affectionately on the shoulder as they continued down the stairs. "Well. Safe travels back to Skyport, and all."

IZZY

"Thanks." He hesitated for a moment at the bottom of the stairs, then raised up on his toes and leaned in to quickly hug Goro around the neck.

LINA

Goro hugged him back, squeezing him tight just like they both liked.

IZZY

Jonn held on for a moment, clearly pleased, before letting go to skip off with a cheery wave.

[end]