Christmas Porno 6

**My Dad Wrote a Christmas Porno 6**, titled "**Sleep in Heavenly Fleece**" (Part 1) and "**Cinderella the Intern**" (Part 2), is the sixth Christmas special of *My Dad Wrote a Porno*, released in two parts on 6 December and 13 December 2021 respectively. It follows on from the fifth Christmas Porno released in 2020, subtitled "It's a Blinkin' Life".

The return of *My Dad Wrote a Christmas Porno* was confirmed by Team Porno at the end of Book 6 in the final episode "The Winner Takes It All"; in November 2021 it was announced that the first part of the special would be recorded in Studio Three of Abbey Road Studios in celebration of the studio's 90th birthday, with the second part being recorded at Jamie's house.

## Synopsis

### Part 1

*Jamie, Alice and James record part one of Rocky's annual festive special at London's iconic Abbey Road Studios to celebrate their 90th birthday. Belinda begins preparations for Steele's Pots and Pans pantomime.*

### Part 2

*Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time for the world premiere of the Steele's Pots and Pans Christmas Panto - 'Cinderella the Intern'.*

## Featured Characters

### Part 1

*In order of appearance:*

* Belinda Blumenthal
* Mary Snowball (first appearance)
* The Duchess
* Mistress Sweetjuice
* Patrick O'Hamlyn
* Sir James Godwin
* Bella Ridley

### Part 2

*In order of appearance:*

* Belinda Blumenthal
* Chiara Montague
* Des Martin
* Giselle Sylvester
* Sir James Godwin
* Patrick O'Hamlyn
* Tony Sylvester (mentioned)
* Bella Ridley
* Ken Dewsbury (mentioned)
* Dave Wilcox
* Bill
* Mavis (first appearance)
* Geramima St Frostfirst

## Featured Locations

### Part 1

*In order of appearance:*

* Steele's Pots and Pans HQ, London
	+ Office of Operations
	+ Megaphone Unit
	+ Canteen-turned-Theatre
* The Pentra (mentioned)

### Part 2

*In order of appearance:*

* The Globe Theatre (first appearance)

## Introduction

### Part 1

*Prior to beginning the chapter, Team Porno discuss...*

* Jamie introduces the special and their iconic venue
* Alice questions why Abbey Road Studios would ever allow them to record there
* James explains that it is the studio's 90th birthday
* Team Porno list other icons who have recorded there including Amy Winehouse, Pink Floyd and the Spice Girls
* Jamie says that they are officially the first people to ever record pornography at Abbey Road Studios
* Team Porno marvel at the Christmas decorations in the studio
* Team Porno list their upcoming rescheduled tour dates in North America, which start on Jamie's birthday
* Alice discusses how MDWACP can help people get through a difficult time of year
* Jamie talks about where the Christmas specials fit in the Belinda timeline
* Jamie reads off a website page listing his supposed net worth (between 1 and 5 million dollars) and calling him an Instagram star and author, chief and head of the parody webcast *My Father Composed a Porno*. It also says that he climbed Mount Everest twice and that his favourite colour is desert sand

### Part 2

*Prior to beginning the chapter, Team Porno discuss...*

* Jamie introduces the second part and reflecting on their time at Abbey Road Studios
* James compliments Jamie's festive decorations
* Jamie gives James and Alice Abbey Road baubles as they complained last year about his Christmas decorations
* Team Porno lists their dates for their upcoming world tour and the final show in Radio City Music Hall being their biggest show ever
* Alice reminds listeners who have somehow not realised they're listening to Part 2 to check out Part 1 if they haven't already
* James asks Jamie about pre-show theatre rituals to make sure the panto goes off well, with Jamie saying that whistling, knitting and wearing peacock feathers on stage is bad luck and that you should never apply make-up with a rabbit's foot

## Plot

### Part 1

The cold wind of winter pricked Belinda's exposed left hand and upper ass cheek. Flinging the warm cuddle of her fleece blanket-over-her-skin-exposed patootie, she knew today was the day. Belinda blinked.

Minutes, less hours later, Belinda switched off her car radio that was playing the timeless pipes of peace. Strutting out of her Jaguar 6.9-litre automobile and into the grounds of her workplace, she exuded festive cheer in the most sexual of senses. She was sexily shrouded in a bejewelled hood of ruby-red fake stones with a dirty brown husky-look trim. Her face was smeared with a special type of a vaseline-style makeup which gave her a uniquely Christmassy look. Our heroine, full of yuletide wonder, bounded into the office of operations and addressed the seasonally-appropriate administrator Mrs Mary Snowball.

Belinda greeted her with a purr and Mary responded with "what?". Belinda attempted to introduce herself but Mary responded that she knows who she is and asked what she wants while masticating. Belinda said that she wanted to speak to the whole workforce and the gum-chewing Head of Operations agreed and directed her to the megaphone unit. Belinda licked her upper teeth before pouting her luscious lips into the hallowed vessel of communications.

"GREETINGS ALL YOU STEELE-Y LABOURERS! HA HA HA! IF YOU'VE EVER DREAMED OF BEING THE NEXT MARILYN MONROE OR BARRY FITZGERALD, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE! AUDITIONS FOR THE STEELE'S POTS AND PANS PANTO BEGIN ON THE 'MORROW MORNING AT 12PM SHARP! OVER AND OUT!"

Belinda stuffed a whole Mrs Kipperling minced pie into her trap in the excitement that pulsated through her ultimate body. This time of year always changed her on a molecular level - her inner Warren Buffett deserted her and was replaced by grease paint-filled veins and spotlit-lit brains. She was a creative type from early-ish November to the end of Xmas Eve. As part of her increased work portfolio, Belinda was the point lady for panto season; every year since the early 1970s, the Steele's Pots and Pans London office had put on a pantomime to raise much-needed funs for the chairman's chosen charity, the Asses and Donkeys Trust.

The next lunchtime-ish, Belinda was sat behind a beautifully-proportioned yellow pine with resin streaks trestle table. The Duchess was to her right and Mistress Sweetjuice her left. The sign above the door read "Dick Whittington's Mother Goose auditions - closed set". The Duchess' authoritative tone boomed "NEXT" and Paddy O'Hamlyn shuffled into the canteen-cum-theatre. Paddy greeted the ladies and Belinda asked him if he can actually act. Paddy busts out the "to be or not to be" speech from *Hamlet* but The Duchess interrupted him and assigned him to Chorus in a whisper to Belinda, commending his interpretation and saying "much like a CV, we'll call you". Paddy skipped out and Belinda spoke freely, saying the audition process was tough as a cheap bit of beef with Mistress Sweetjuice adding some muffled agreement.

Next to grace the judges was Sir James Godwin. Belinda greeted him by calling him Boss-Man and The Duchess said "ciao bello" as Sir James bellowed that he would be auditioning for the role of the dame. The Duchess coughed and Belinda cooed that it was fabulous, secretly hoping that he had the skin that could take a lot of lipstick, and complimented him for taking his balls to the wall by auditioning for a big part. Sir James said that traditions must be upheld and The Duchess breathed that the floor was his. Sir James exploded in an eruption of panto phrases and moments - "oh my god, you little dick-goose, what am I like?, behind me, ooh, you wish, I wish, come behind me, no not at all, I'm a mother!" - causing Mistress Sweetjuice to thank him and say that they'd seen all they needed to, sweating profusely.

The auditions went on all day and by the end of the day Belinda felt she had the perfect cast to stun the Steele's Pots and Pans employees, many clients, industry representatives and royalty that would be present to watch it. However, when Belinda returned to her designated desk area with walls and door, she was confronted by a familiar face - Paddy was there, had read the casting role call and was desperate. Paddy pleaded to be cast as Dick's Pussy or Egg of Gold but Belinda rolled her eyes upwards, declining. Paddy asked desperately for a chance to shine and Belinda flicked her zip-fly and allowed her skirt to be eaten by gravity. There were no panties or thongs which meant her pubic green belt was available for all to see and explore. Paddy spoke with words, "cor me!". It was December and Paddy had always struck Belinda as a festive type of chap - his Jerry's Chocolate Orange hair was as bright as tinsel and his laugh as cheerful as a brandy butter-filled brandy snack basket with a glass of brandy on the side. They kissed like a couple of turtle doves and Belinda's brain scattered to the west coast of Ireland where poems are read and flora is sat on. "Merry Xmas boss babe," Paddy purred like a hard James Joyce. When he pulled down his togs Belinda was shocked (but not surprised) that his carpet matched the curtains - his secret hair region looked like a bit of iron that had been exposed to oxygen and water over a sustained amount of time. It glinted like the star of Bethlehem as the throbbing incandescent light strips of the office hit his winkle with a twinkle. Belinda dove into his pubes, running the ringlets through her fingers like grated carrot. His skin was pale, which really set off the contrast with a zing, and his cock was stiff and twitching for playtime.

Belinda exclaimed that she loved some Irish sausage at Christmastime to Paddy O'H and that she couldn't wait to beat his banger. Paddy laughed and said his willy would willingly wiggle inside her like a worm, but much bigger. This was more than enough talk-dirty for one afternoon, and the two colleagues-with-privileges began to bonk. In her he slid and she met him with an encouraging grunt. Because it was Xmas and Xmas shopping was busy and stressful, Paddy got tired in the second trimester of passion but he soldiered on by sitting down on the ink-squirt 69 printer; it was nice too because it meant he got a good look at her bottom as it bounced up and down his big, thick cockshaft. It was so good that he ejaculated ahead of his scheduled arrival time. Despite Paddy's best efforts and on-the-spot problem solving, Belinda was unsure if he was ready for a starring role. This production would make Belinda's name and she couldn't afford any fuck-uppers. Belinda said to Paddy that he was in, causing him to yippee and do a little jig on the paper shredder.

A week of rehearsals and a total change of panto later, Belinda gathered the cast of principal roles and extras and understudy extras in the Steele's Pots and Pans canteen zone. Belinda bellowed through a bull-horn:

"OKAY YOU ACTORS IN NAME ONLY, TOMORROW IS THE BIGGEST DAY OF YOUR SHORT-LIVED CAREERS - IN OTHER WORDS, OUR OPENING AND CLOSING NIGHT PERFORMANCE."

Nervous rumblings bounced back at her in an unfestive show of unconfidence. She continued:

"NOW, I HAVE ARRANGED FOR SANTA'S SLEIGH TO PICK US UP AT 11AM SHARP. REMEMBER TO CLOCK IN AS IF WORKING - OTHERWISE YOU WILL LOSE A DAY'S WORTH OF PAY. THE PERFORMING ARTS ARE NOT ELIGIBLE FOR LIEU DAY PAYMENTS AS THIS IS A GOD-FORSAKING, CREATIVELY IGNORANT COMPANY. WE WILL ALSO BE SITTING ON BALES OF HAY, SO I RECOMMEND BRINGING HARD-WEARING ANORAKS OR WAX-FINISHED MACS TO SIT ON. OKAY? OVER AND OUT!"

Bella asked the players, "anyone fancy a mulled wine in the Pentra? It might settle our nerves" to which many agreed. Belinda also agreed but only allowed a mug and a half each as she didn't want the cast to be drunkards on the stage, otherwise they really would break their legs, causing the actors to laugh and Bella pretended to drag a dead leg behind her as they left the automatic revolving doors and into the festive snowfall.

Belinda breathed in the cinnamon and snowflakes. God, in just one more sleep she would be taking her vows in her first ever pantomime triumph - Cinderella the Intern. Belinda's ambitions blinked.

### Part 2

Night had fallen over Shakespeare's Globe Theatre and the world premiere of *Cinderella the Intern*, written and directed by and starring Belinda Blumenthal. In the audience, Chiara Montague, who had willingly designed the costumes, fingered the program. Flicking the third page, she perused the "About the Players" section: Belinda was playing the titular character, Des Martin was Buttons the Post-Boy, Giselle was the Wicked Stepmother and MD of Steelus Panus, Sir James Godwin was the Ugly Stepsister of Marketing, Patrick O'Hamlyn was the Ugly Stepsister of Sales, Tony was the Fairy Godmother Managing Consultant, Bella was Prince Charming and the Potential Purchaser of the Company, Ken Dewsbury was Dandini, PA to Prince Charming and Dave Wilcox and Bill were the Pantomime Horse (Dave top and Bill bottom).

Just then the lights went out and the overture of "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" played in the darkness. When the curtain rolled up, Des Martin was seen on the stage, which was set exactly like the office of Steele's Pots and Pans, and introduced himself as Buttons. He lamented that it was very sad at Steelus Panus as the company was on the blink and everyone was sure to lose their jobs. Belinda was stalking through the narrow corridors of backstage - it was of course Xmas-time, and it was very cold in the wings, so freezing in fact that many of the actors had to get naked and engage in skin-to-skin contact just to keep warm between scenes. As she meandered towards the stage for her grand entrance, Belinda bore witness to Giselle and Tony cuddle-thrusting atop some stage lamps. She smiled as his naked little bottom pointed skyward and even saw a puff of condensation as he farted. She then entered Stage Aft fully in character and Buttons introduced her as Cinderella the Intern. Cinderella greeted Buttons and asked him if he had any post for her to distribute around their failing company, to which Buttons said no but asked her if she had met his friends. Cinderella exclaimed that she didn't know Buttons had any friends and he replied that they were new to him, pointing to the audience as he did so, and said he trusted them like the old friends they were not. Cinderella boomed, projecting right to the back of the theatre where the royal box was, that any friend of Buttons' was a friend of hers. She said that he was the only soul that was kind to her, causing the audience to awww. Buttons blushed as Belinda turned to face the darkness in front of her and greeted the boys and girls and adults aplenty assembled before the stage, slapping her thigh with vigour and introducing herself. The audience uttered a monotone greeting back and Cinderella said that it was rubbish, causing them to shout back "HELLO" at her, really getting into the festive fermament.

Just then, the Ugly Stepsisters of Marketing and Sales bustled onto the stage. One had a dress made of newspaper cuttings, the other of payslips and remittance documents. Sir James asked Paddy where the slutty Cinderella the Intern was, causing Belinda to lambast him for being so rude. Her stepsister said that she had only asked for sweet Fanny Adams (an old and very macabre euphemism for sweet nothing) and that she didn't call Cinderella a slut, the audience responding "oh yes you did". The Ugly Stepsister of Sales said they had some precise hole-punching for Cinderella to do, causing the Ugly Stepsister of Marketing to say that she could punch her hole any time and slapped her thigh. Just then, Giselle, the Wicked Stepmother and MD of Steelus Panus, dressed head-hair to toe-nail in lycra, swooped onto the treaded boards and the audience giddily booed. Giselle, enjoying the role a little too much, told the measly cretins of the audience to shut up. She said to the stepsisters to make sure Cinderella got their work done for them and ordered them to sort out a strategy meeting.

Everyone except Giselle left Stage Port. She introduced herself as the mother of Cinderella the Intern, that lazy lump of flesh and bone, causing the audience to boo and hiss once more. She said that she is hell-bent on plunging Steelus Panus into the black and she won't rest until it's in liquidation like Northern Rock (the first bank to fall in the financial crisis) or a slim-fast milkshake, saying that it's her and the audience's little secret and laughing maniacally.

Safely backstage and breathless with adrenaline, Belinda looked down at her crotch. It felt like the damp patch at the back of her cock cage cupboard. Belinda called Bella, who was zooming around half in costume and half in skin, over for a favour. Bella attempted to whisper, "WHAT?!?!" as her tits flew around in her haste. Belinda asked her to sniff and lick her and tell her if the dampness was piss or cum as her mind was nowhere near her body out on stage. Bella gummed a gooey grin and twizzled her tongue around Belinda's pussy pouch, saying that it was definitely Bartholin's gland activity (lubricating juices) and that it was yummy-scrummy-in-her-tummy. The relief sent Belinda back to backstage and she ordered Bella back to the costume arena to put her Prince Charming outfit on as they were mid-show. The girls laughed so much that they had to be shushed by the militant Mistress Cue in the right wing, Mavis, causing Bella to tell her to eat a chill-pill.

Hours later, the panto was wrapping up and Bella's Prince Charming was sat atop her noble steed as she came to rescue Steelus Panus. Bill hissed to Dave Wilcox that he was wearing his arse like a balaclava and Bella loved riding the two boys, making sure to ride good and low, smearing her open vag on them both. Bella, taking off her glass boots, boomed "who can I play footsie 100 with to save the company?". Backstage, Belinda was in thinking mode. It incurred (occurred) to her that she had never cared or noticed who she found attractive on this world we all live in. Boobs, balls, everything or nothing, she loved the beautiful buffet of life. She was an open all-hours campsite where anyone could pitch their tent or snuggle in her sleeping bag, whatever the weather. There was something about Sir James in an austentacious and garish full-body ball dress that turned her pussy lids from tight to baggy. As he puffed a cigar by the winching ropes, she made her move. Belinda complimented her boss' performance skills and Sir James thanked her, saying that he was a method actor so he was not her boss tonight, he was just Little Miss Ugly. Belinda took each tit out of her cloth blouse and Sir James' face turned from red to roasting; he felt her left breast in his hand and said he thought it was a solid seven pounds lb - his father ran a sweetie shop in Harrogate and as a boy it was his job to weigh the boiled rhubarb and custards. Belinda asked if he would like to lick them as they were quite the gobstoppers and Sir James responded that they were quite bon-bon. Sir James gorged on Belinda's snowglobes and after three-and-a-third minutes of gobbling, he came up for breath. He hocked up his frilly skirts and produced his 26,645-day aged beef (making him 73 to the day). Belinda took it in her mouth and swirled her tongue around the head - it was full-body in flavour, gamey and strong - but just then Mavis the Cue Mistress, her hair frazzled and specks wonky, interrupted and said she was due on stage for her big number, as was Little Miss Ugly.

Screaming and causing a scene, the actors gathered their fabrics and ran onto the stage. As they stumbled into the limelight, they saw their desperate colleagues ad-libbing for the Norse gods. Paddy, eyes bulging at Sir James' erect bulge, commented that he wondered if it was a black marker under his dress or if he was just happy to see him. Sir James curtseyed to the cheering crowd. Just then Giselle entered from the back of stage, causing the audience to chorus "SHE'S BEHIND YOU" amidst the booing. After a hilarious bit of the script and amazing acting, Belinda proved she was the best at playing the footsie 100 and saved the day. "Ha ha ha", Cinderella laughed at her ugly stepsisters, saying that she wins and they lose and for the boys to hit it. The opening bars of the iconic "Big Fat Mamas Are Back in Style Again" by Dana Gillespie began playing and Belinda wiggled her ass around the stage, belting out the lyrics like she was a finalist on The Sex Factor. After the extended standing applause, Prince Charming spoke and said that the Wicked Stepmother MD would be investigated by the Regulatory Watchdog of Insider Tradings and Practices, based in Cheadle Hulme and who show no Merseyside. The audience, who were all in business and thus understood the insider jokes, laughed heartily and even more when Bella said she hoped they had a good insurance plan, because it was true. Over the stepsisters' boo-hooing, Buttons addressed the audience with a plum, saying that Cinderella the Intern saved the day by banishing the baddies far away and the company was saved when the receivers caved and all were happy and gay.

When the cast took their bows, Belinda couldn't help but feel if this whole businesswoman caper fell into the sea, she could make it on the glittering floorboads of Broadway. Just then, her soaking eyes met with another's on the first row - Geramima St Frostfirst beamed deep into her balls of sight and cried "Bravo! Encore! Get fucking in!", clapping so much her shawls created a vortex of wind and weather. Geramima complimented her as a bloody great actress, a thespian with a capital T-H-E-S-P-I-A-N and that she deserved an Oscar for the love of Cilla. Belinda mouthed, "oh stop" as fake snow began falling from the ceiling of the ancient theatre. There was a boozy atmosphere and as "Big Fat Mamas Are Back in Style Again" boomed again from the beatboxes, Belinda filled her lungs, thanking the audience for coming and clapping:

"WE HAVE BEEN THE STEELE'S POTS AND PLAYERS! MERRY XMAS WORLD!"

## Trivia

### Part 1

* Given the similarity of the writing style of the bot which wrote Jamie's fake net worth page and Rocky's handiwork, Alice ponders if Rocky also wrote the webpage to buff up Jamie's net worth.
* After the reveal of seasonal Steele's employee Mary Snowball, James suggests that they employ (Mrs) Sarah Pumpkin at Halloween and Genevieve Thanksgiving-Turkey at Thanksgiving and they do a job share for each season for company morale. They also clarify that Iain Snail is there the whole time since snails are year-round.
* James also argues with Alice and Jamie over how necklace is pronounced.
* Team Porno predict the casting for the panto as follows: Iain Snail as the panto horse, Patrick O'Hamlyn as the panto dame, Belinda as the male lead and Bella Ridley as an ugly sister/horse rider. In Part 2 their guesses were revealed to be somewhat correct as Patrick played a ugly stepsister, Belinda was the lead (although not male) and Bella did ride a horse as Prince Charming.
* Rocky uses Mrs Kipperling instead of real-life cake brand Mr Kipling and Jerry's Chocolate Orange instead of Terry's Chocolate Orange.

### Part 2

* When Giselle comes on stage wearing lycra Team Porno imagine that Rocky actually meant something more like latex rather than having her come out in a biking outfit.
* Rocky uses ship terms for the stage, with Stage Aft meaning behind the stage and Stage Port meaning the side, causing Alice to comment that if the play was a ship, it was sinking.
* Giselle says that her character is hell-bent on plunging the company into the black, which, as Alice points out, is actually a good thing.
* Team Porno wonder if the intimacy that comes with playing the panto horse led to a lot of divorces, similar to the Strictly curse.
* We discover a lot about Sir James Godwin in this story - where he grew up, his father's occupation and his age in days.
* After hearing "Big Fat Mamas Are Back in Style Again" Team Porno ask listeners to put Dana Gillespie back in style again by listening the song, wondering if she could take the Christmas number one.
* Despite Tony and Ken being listed in the program as playing the Fairy Godmother Managing Consultant and Dandini respectively, they don't actually appear in the story.