327: Q-U-E-U-E-F

## Summary

While Raphina, Mo and Oscar finish off the remaining scarecrows, Will rescues Sin's horse. They've barely drawn breath when a cackling half-orc (presumed to be none other than Juliette Rusher) swoops down on a broomstick and demands they leave, claiming that Zantras has promised her the throne of Gully's End. Rosco *Wild Shapes* into a flying monkey and attempts to drop the RV on her head, but she retaliates and Sin is killed by a spell that was intended for Batthwack.

## Synopsis

Batthwack doesn't have time to consider what he just saw Rosco do, having just seen Will run into the burning barn. He's *Flies* down and heads straight for the barn door. Oscar protects his master and tears a nearby scarecrow into pieces just as more scarecrows pile onto Mo, who collapses to the ground. Raphina hops off his back and pulls out her kazoo *Instrument of Illusions*, using *Thaumaturgy* to supercharge her voice, but she's so overcome with emotion having seen Mo fall that the instrument's membrane flies out the end and no sound is made. Instead, she heals Mo who springs to his feet with a shout of *"Raphina... you god?"* and slashes through all of the surrounding scarecrows, killing them all. He picks her back up and they run around the inn towards the others.

Meanwhile, inside the barn, try as he might, Sin cannot open the stall door to free his beloved horse. Will doesn't know the giant scarecrow has been permanently banished, so he's desperate to get Sin back outside and into the fight. He grabs Lachrymose's mane and casts *Polymorph*, turning it into a baby turtle that he quickly pockets. The two of them rush for the door and escape into the fresh air, where they discover that the battle is over and all the scarecrows have been destroyed.

As Will berates Sin for abandoning them during the fight, Batthwack peers into the gloom using his *Robe of Eyes*, scouting for the next wave of enemies. Suddenly, Will whirls around. *"Whoa whoa whoa! Does anybody hear that?"* he yells to the others as he *Flies* up into the sky for a better view. Rosco is completely distracted sprinkling mustard water on the fire and completely failing to put it out. All of them can hear it now, a crazed cackling echoing from the north somewhere.

Will looks to Batthwack for guidance. Is this going to be Juliette Rusher, the one sent them the threatening note? Batthwack insists he has no idea who that is, but Will is convinced that must be them, and they're going to be a force to be reckoned with, so encourages everyone to get ready. Batthwack lands and settles down to summon Steed. Some time passes, the cackling growing in volume, until suddenly a green-skinned half-orc riding a broom swoops out of the sky, wearing flowing purple robes and a pointy hat. *"How DARE you attempt to enter my realm?!"* she screeches as she hovers high above them. Everyone wastes no time in casting spells in anticipation of a fight. Batthwack hurriedly finishes summoning Steed, who pops into existence. Raphina casts *Mass Healing Word* to boost everyone's health. Rosco casts *Faerie Fire*, hoping to light her up, but can't seem to mentally lock onto her. And Will casts a heightened *True Strike*, in the hope of learning something about this strange lady. What's her relationship to Batthwack? What does she want? The spell surprisingly reveals that this person is actually feeling fearful at this moment in time.

The witch yells down to them, *"Zantras has already promised me the throne! And you will NOT get in my way. Cross the border into Gully's End, and you WILL pay the price."* *"Zantras will use you as long as it's convenient,"* responds Batthwack calmly. *"Zantras can use me all he wants, if he gives me this land as mine. Then none of you will stand in my way!"* She seems uncomfortable when Will *Major Images* a crown on Batthwack's head and needles her about the dragonborn's relationship with Zantras, but she says that Zantras has warned her of the party's intentions and that Batthwack's prior deal with him is null and void. Batthwack's voice remains quiet and calm when he says, *"Gully's End is my home. You won't keep me away."*

Rosco mimes something to Will, who *Messages* him, and they hurriedly discuss a plan to drop *Rudy* in its RV form on Juliette's head. When she screams, *"You dare not take a step closer to Gully's End!"* Rosco retorts, *"Well luckily for us, we're not walking!"* and *Wild Shapes* into a flying monkey before launching himself towards the witch, Rudy in hand. When he's in position, Will shouts the activation phrase, *"Cruciferme, cruciferous, Rudy won't you transport us!"* and the rutabaga in Rosco's hands starts to expand.

Juliette pulls back and screams, *"If you take one more step you will DIE!"* pointing her long fingernails directly at Batthwack. Dark black negative energy shoots towards him, but the rapidly expanding rutabaga deflects the beam, which misses Batthwack and hits Sin squarely in the chest. The elf looks up at her, stunned, as he falls to the ground, dead.

## Quotes

* Abby: *"If you don't shake the mustard before you squeeze it out of the squeezy, there's a little bit of water. We like to call it in our land, we call it the 'Tears of the Hot Dog.'"*

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from Eric. Following Adam's attempt to invent a solution to the burning barn by suggesting Rosco carries a special type of mustard that sucks the oxygen out of fire, Eric says *"You guys think that you can just say an idea and then tack on the shtick that all of your characters have, and I'll be like 'Yeah, that sounds great!'"* For example, *"It's a deoxygenated moustache!"* and *"It's a deoxygenating turtle!"* Alex: *"After all this, I'm gonna go blow the fire out with my cloaca."* Eric: *"He's gonna queef it out, you guys."* Abby, kindly thinking of the podcast's international audience (and the author of these wiki articles in particular), wonders if the spelling of queef needs clarifying, as it may not be a familiar term overseas. Eric: *"Oh, is it British?"* KT: *"There's probably a weird U in there somewhere."* Eric: *"Do they have an extra U in "queef"? Q-U-E-U-E-F?"*
* In total, there are about 1,190 fjords in Norway and the Svalbard islands. Useless, but interesting. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List\_of\_Norwegian\_fjords
* The Dead Sea is 304m (997ft) deep, the deepest hypersaline lake in the world. Useless, but interesting. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead\_Sea

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ It's here that KT and Eric clarify what happened to the second horse, Jill (see episode 322: Liar's Dice): she was able to escape the barn by herself and is still running wild and free in the mountains to this very day.
2. ↑ As we all know, mustard water is the small amount of liquid that forms at the top of a jar/bottle of mustard if left long enough for the contents to start separating.
3. ↑ See episode 323: A Non-Binary Scarecrow
4. ↑ Adam explained that these were creatures familiar to Rosco from his time in the circus.
5. ↑ Eric confirms that the spell Juliette cast was *Power Word Kill*.