Fake TPOT 11: Oratoria Polyglottica

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
"**Oratoria Polyglottica**" is the non-canon eleventh episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 14 June 1976. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 11 (or even TPOT 2) comes out.

Author's note: I'll be the first to admit it (even before it's written), but this episode is going to be *long* and it's also going to be *boring*. The challenge part of it is essentially the same as a season 2 episode of *P2O* that I've yet to write, "Orate Me", and I chose that as the challenge for this episode to focus on plot points outside the competition. Sound familiar?

Previous episode: "Press Two to Clear"

Next episode: "Death P.A.C.T. Takes a Holiday"

## Pre-credits scene

### **Outside**

**Scene**Just like the episodes before TPOT 8, the first thing we see is most of the contestants sitting, playing or doing whatever outside. Zoom in on most of the members of Death P.A.C.T. Again (**Black Hole**, **Fanny**, **Remote** and **Tree**) sitting in a circle.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Welcome to the first Death P.A.C.T. Again initiation ceremony, hosted by me, Black Hole.
* **Fan****ny**: We can't host things! That's Two's job!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And how's that turned out for you, Fanny?
* **Fan****ny**: I hate it!
* **T****r****e****e**: So who are we initiating?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We're bringing in Pen.
* **T****r****e****e**: Ugh, why?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: He really wants to prevent death. Maybe not with us, but it is a personal philosophy, for which he strives.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: He should go for it.
* **Fan****ny**: I only said *yes* because he hates things!
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, he hates people too. He hates them so much that he sends Mr. Big-Scary-and-Pink to kill them.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: If this is about the whole lodge incident again, then you're wrong; Eraser's no bigger than you are. Quit your whining.

[*Enter* **Bottle**.]

* **Bot****tle**: [*loopily*] Yeah, Tree, quit your whining!
* **T****r****e****e**: Bottle, what the seed are you doing here?
* **Bot****tle**: Once a death pledge, always a death pledge!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I invited Pillow too, but she's... yeah.
* **Pill****ow**: [*standing on a tree*] Look at me! I'm an *up* pillow!
* **T****r****e****e**: I suppose that makes as much sense as an official contract. Where is that dim-witted, overrated himbo, anyway?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Tree, at least make an effort to stay for a few minutes.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You ought to see how we Deathagainners [*pronounced "detha-gen-urs"*] do an initiation.
* **T****r****e****e**: Fine.

[*Enter* **Pen**.]

* **P****en**: [*noticing*] Eyy, Tree!
* **T****r****e****e**: I'm out of here.

[*Exit* **Tree**. *Black Hole mouths something, but no one can see it.*]

* **P****en**: You gotta love that guy. Say, is this where the party is?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You've found the right place.
* **Fan****ny**: We couldn't get anywhere secret!
* **P****en**: I don't have to go on a snipe hunt or wear a leash or anything that might make me look silly, do I?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, we don't do that.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We're not that kind of group.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate ritual hazing!
* **P****en**: Good. Although I have worn a leash before. [*raises an eyebrow*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Okay, then. All you must do, is say the same thing we said when we first joined Death P.A.C.T.
* **P****en**: Which is?
* **Eraser**: [*off-screen*] Hey, that's my line!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: "I pledge to prevent death."
* **P****en**: Sure. I pledge to preven—

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**, *who stands on top of Pen.*]

* **Two**: Did someone say my name?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, Two, we were doing a ritual.
* **Two**: Was that sarcasm? Anyway, I'm here to announce the sudden arrival of *TwoOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*The intro plays.*]

* **Two**: And now, it's time for Cake at Stake!
* **P****en**: [*muffled*] That's great and all, but do we have to do it from here?
* **Two**: No, you enjoyable talking floor. Come one, come all, and join me at the Cake at Stake place!

### **Cake at Stake place**

**Scene**Same as in the previous episodes, just without the giant crowd watching with the safe contestants. The members of TSTOE are gathered on the platforms: **Basketball**, **Robot Flower**, **Bell**, **Snowball** and two body pillows of the "dead" contestants Foldy and Eggy. **Lightning** is clinging onto Snowball. Everyone else is watching in the audience.
* **Two**: The Strongest Team on Earth, nice to see you here. There have been ten challenges so far and you've finally lost one!
* **Snowball**: ***DON'T RUB IT IN!***
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Yeah, don't say that, Two! [*to Snowball*] It's going to be okay.
* **Two**: Lightning, you're not in this team. You should be watching!

[*A sender scoop thrower (like in BFDI) sends Lightning off into the audience.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: You'll never take me away from him! [*lands*] Oh, hey, Fanny.
* **Fan****ny**: Shut.
* **Two**: We got [*number*] votes. But first, I want to remind you of two things: First, this is the first double elimination in the show! That's right, *two* people will be going home instead of one.
* **B****e****ll**: Oh no!
* **Two**: Second, today's prize will prove to be very useful for today's challenge.
* **Eraser**: Which is?
* **Two**: I'll get to that later. [*to TSTOE*] If you are safe, you get a video!

[*Two pulls out five video cameras.*]

* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: But is that not a video camera?
* **Two**: No, it's a video.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: I know my mechanics, Two. That is a video camera!
* **T****V**: I side with Robot Flower. Two is holding five video cameras.
* **Baske****t****ball**: I've only heard it described as a *video camera* too.
* **Two**: You're all wrong! A *camera* takes pictures. A *video* takes videos.
* **Bo****ok**: A video camera takes pictures, too, just in video format.
* **N****a****ily**: What about super 8s?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh yeah, those record things as well.
* **Eraser**: [*to Pen, who is absorbed in the conversation*] So what's it like having Two step on you?
* **P****en**: What?
* **S****aw**: I think they both do that, right?
* **G****at****y**: No, I had a video camera that couldn't take photos.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: But you still called it a *video camera*!
* **N****a****ily**: So super 8s and video cameras work the same way?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Probably. I don't know your old stuff.
* **Golf Ball**: ***CAN WE ALL*** just stop with the nonsense and get on with the elimination? Two, continue!
* **B****e****ll**: Yeah, um, let's just do that.
* **Two**: Thank you. Now the first person on The Strongest Team on Earth safe is... Basketball!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yay!

[*Two throws Basketball a video camera. She turns it on.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: [*looking through*] I *see* you!
* **Two**: Nice video, innit?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Are you talking about the quality or the machine?
* **G****at****y**: That depends on where you stand on the whole "*video camera* debate".
* **Golf Ball**: Shush! Sheesh!
* **Two**: Golf Ball, you're not a part of this Cake at Stake. [*to TSTOE*] Next safe. Ooh, you're not going to like this, everyone. It's Snowball.
* **Snowball**: YEAAAAAAH!

[*He beats where his chest is supposed to be.*]

* **Snowball**: Hyoheeyawheewayheeyaw!

[*Two throws him a video and Snowball slams it on the platform as a symbol of victory.*]

* **Snowball**: Bwammm!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: That is a mockery of technology!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*to Fanny*] I love him.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate him!
* **Two**: Basketball and Snowball, you should be proud of yourselves.
* **Snowball**: I *am* proud!
* **Two**: Out of the [*number*] votes we received, you both got almost three-quarters of them!
* **Baske****t****ball**: I don't believe it!
* **B****e****ll**: What's that supposed to mean?
* **Two**: It means that Bell, Eggy, Foldy, Grassy and Robot Flower got about 25% of the save-votes combined! That's a new record.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: And?
* **Two**: In terms of popularity, Basketball and Snowball are the strongest!
* **Snowball**: I'm *always* the strongest!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*Aside.*] That he is. And the *manliest*. And the most *viril*e. And the most—

[*Fanny hisses.*]

* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Does this mean we're all eliminated?
* **Two**: Well, I can't do that, no matter how much faster the season will go. I told the viewers that only two of you would be eliminated. Now then, there are three of you left that are safe. Grassy, you're safe with [*number*] votes.

[*Two throws a video camera at a body pillow with Grassy on it.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: You got this, Grassy Body Pillow!
* **B****e****ll**: [*imitating Foldy*] Actually, it's called Grass-O.
* **Eraser**: Heh. *Grasso* means "fat".
* **Two**: Eggy is also safe with [*number*] votes.

[*Two throws a video camera at an Eggy body pillow.*]

* **B****e****ll**: Eggy's alive, I think.
* **Two**: Not according to the gogma.
* **Baske****t****ball**: *Seriously?* You're falling for that too, Two?
* **Two**: That's my name! And speaking of gogma, Foldy...

[*Robot Flower and Bell gasp dramatically (like Woody).*]

* **Two**: Is eliminated.

[*Robot Flower and Bell sigh.*]

* **B****e****ll**: Oh ding, with Foldy gone, who's going to keep us up all night with their tongue-speaking and hoots of praise?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: I could always move into your hotel room with Snowball.
* **Baske****t****ball**, **B****e****ll** and **Robot** **Fl****ower**: ***NO!***
* **Fan****ny**: [*to Lightning*] You move in with Snowball's team and I'll be forced to think of another non–death threat!
* **Two**: Robot Flower and Bell, it's down to the two of you.
* **B****e****ll**: Oh, I'm scared!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Don't worry, Robot Flower.
* **B****e****ll**: Aw, thanks— hey, what about me?
* **Baske****t****ball**: A- and you too, Bell!
* **Two**: But first, let me list the good and bad things you've done, as the viewers may not be aware of your *potential* awesomeness.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: You think we're awesome?
* **Two**: No.

[*Two extends their hand as if they were a bit more powerful than they are at present.*]

* **Two**: Now, Robot Flower, last episode you serenaded us with the majestic sounds of Goikyan-Siberian overtone singing. In fact, most people who voted for you are from the throat-singing community!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: We are small but mighty!
* **Two**: However, you did start a completely unnecessary discussion about why you call my videos *video cameras*.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: They're still video cameras to me!
* **Two**: Bell!
* **B****e****ll**: Hi.
* **Two**: In episode 9, your team's rod was the most beautiful to look at. How'd you even get the *Mona Lisa* on there in the first place?
* **B****e****ll**: Just a little practice, which always makes perfect!
* **Two**: So true. However, in episode 1, you instigated a violent mutiny against me when you demanded that I should start projecting my voice. Viewers won't forget that.
* **B****e****ll**: Yeah.

[*Pause.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: So who's it going to be?
* **Two**: The last person safe is... Robot Flower!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Really? I got safe? This is better than that time I watched Flower win BFB!

[*Jump cut to a flashback to BFB 30. It is the scene directly following Flower's victory.*]

**Ann****oun****ce****r**: Congratulations, you win BFB alongside the three prizes this Cake at Stake awards you with.
[*Robot Flower is in the audience.*]
**Robot** **Fl****ower**: Yahoo! [*to the camera*] I was there, you know.
[*Jump back to the present.*]

* **B****e****ll**: Aw, can't we let bygones be bygones?
* **Two**: Nope! With [*absurdly low number*] votes, you are eliminated!

[*With their powers, Two raises* **Bell** *and the* **Foldy Body Pillow** *into the air. They are quickly moved to the Filing Cabinet.*]

* **B****e****ll**: Aaaaaaaaaa—I could just float there, you know—aaaaaaaaah!
* **Baske****t****ball**: See you on the other side, Bell, okay?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: You too, Foldy Body Pillow!

[*The Filing Cabinet door and the front door slam shut at the same time.*]

* **Two**: And that's the elimination. Any questions?

[*Everyone runs off, screaming.*]

## Post–Cake at Stake

### **Outside**

**Scene****Basketball** and **Robot Flower**, the only members of TSTOE alive and present, are sitting on the ground.
* **Baske****t****ball**: You know, RF, I'm going to miss Foldy and Bell.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: At least there's going to be no more gogma talk.

[*Enter the top half of* **Eggy**. *She is connected to a propeller beanie, a sort of hat.*]

* **E****g**: What did I miss?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Eggy!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: We haven't seen you in a while!
* **E****g**: Yeah, I can't move my top half.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Then how'd you get here?
* **E****g**: [*looks up*] See this hat I found lying around? I connected it to my head, and now I can go anywhere, I think.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Wow, that's great news, Eggy!
* **E****g**: Who's Eggy? That's the name of the object with a face and maybe two limbs to go with it. I've been reborn and I am now called Eg.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Let me guess, your bottom half is called Gy!
* **E****g**: How'd you know that?

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: What's this? A rogue contestant? I thought I got rid of the last of you!

[*Two uses their powers to transport* **Eg** *to the filing cabinet to the horror of Basketball and Robot Flower.*]

* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: What did you do that for? That was Eggy!
* **Two**: Eggy's dead.
* **Baske****t****ball**: No, she isn't; she's just split into two.
* **Two**: And a wonderful number is that!

[*Enter* **Gy**, *Eggy's bottom half, who kicks Two before walking off.*]

* **Two**: Oh!
* **Pill****ow**: Truly unpredictable.

## Pre-contest

* **Two**: So is everyone ready to know what the next challenge is?
* **Everyone**: Yeah!

[*Two snaps their fingers to turn the entire "Mahaliland outdoors" backdrop into a seemingly infinite library. The Second Hotel can still be seen in the background.*]

* **Two**: Welcome to the Library of Borgress.

[*In true BFDI fashion, everyone gasps after Two announces that the setting has changed.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: The Library of Congress? It looks nothing like this. I would know, 'cause there's a special wing in it dedicated to my ancestors, whose name I proudly—
* **Golf Ball**: Coiny.
* **Co****i****ny**: What?
* **Golf Ball**: Be quiet! We are in a library!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Has this bookhouse always been here?
* **Two**: Yep! It was hiding behind the sky. Isn't that interesting?
* **Snowball**: No, it's *not* interesting! I hate books!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: I hate books too!
* **Fan****ny**: [*Aside.*] Says the one with the second largest library in the cabin.
* **Nic****k****el**: Two, why'd you change the background in real life?
* **Bo****ok**: And why do I feel so comfortable all of a sudden?
* **Two**: It's your next challenge!
* **Eraser**: Which is?

[*Two teleports hardly a few millimetres away from Eraser.*]

* **Two**: Oratory!
* **Eraser**: Ora-what-now?
* **Two**: The ancient art of public speaking! Let me tell you a story.
* **Snowball**: No!
* **Two**: Okay! Your next challenge is to memorize a passage of text in a classical, non-English language of your choice. This could be lines from a poem, or even a speech in itself! Choose one member of your team to recite the text, but others can—and are encouraged to—help, too. And no cheating. (That means no hidden flashcards.) Go!

## The contest

#### With The Strongest Team on Earth

[*With Snowball in the hotel and the rest of the contestants dead, the only remaining people to do the contest are* **Robot Flower** *and* **Basketball**. *They sit outside and plan.*]

* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Bas, guess what?
* **Baske****t****ball**: What is it, Rho?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: I have been analysing the past few episodes and I have noticed a pattern! [*a diagram appears next to her*] Ever since episode 8, the sore loser of the last contest becomes the un-sore winner of the next!
* **Baske****t****ball**: That's really interesting, but how is that relevant?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: We lost last time! Do you know what this means?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Um, probably something about automatically winning. But we still need to put in some effort. We don't want to lose any more people.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: That would really suck eggs!

[*Beat.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Wow, that was really colloquial. Hey, now that I bring language up, do you want to do the reciting for the challenge? I know who we should read.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Sure!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Great! Just asking, but do you speak Spanish?

#### With The S!

[*Many of the members of this team are searching the library for any book of classical literature.*]

* **Cloudy**: I wish there was some good literature in here.
* **S****aw**: Just keep looking, Cloudy. I'm sure one good book ought to m***8***erialize!

[*Saw's "eight" sound echoes throughout the infinite building.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: *Shh!*

[*Enter* **Coiny** *from the team8s.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, I need to borrow this. [*pointing to Yellow Face*]
* **Yellow Face**: Mmm, I'll go!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Don't stay out too late. We've got a schedule.

#### With the team8s

[**Coiny** *returns to his team together with* **Yellow Face**.]

* **Barf** **Bag**: Hey, it's Yellow Face!
* **Yellow Face**: Wow! W.O.A.H. Bunch!

[*Coiny gasps.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: You called us by our name. Evidence!
* **Barf** **Bag**: What's going on?
* **Co****i****ny**: *We* are going to change our team name. So long, *team8s*, hello, *W.O.A.H. Bunch*.
* **Donut**: Sure we should be doing that? Can't we just focus on the challenge first?
* **Co****i****ny**: Naw, Pin's doing great!
* **P****i****n**: [*standing on a ladder*] Where I come from, this book wouldn't be on the highest shelf!
* **Co****i****ny**: And besides, you said I could have *anything I wanted* for being good. And I want a team name!

[*Donut gives him the stink-eye.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Please?
* **Donut**: Oh, alright. As long as it gets past Two, and I don't even know what gets approved any more.

#### With The Strongest Team on Earth

[**Basketball** *is reading from a book with the name "Cervantes" on it, while Robot Flower plays virtual slide (a clapping game) with TV.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: "... que vivía un hidalgo de los de lan-*ttththththt*a—" oh, gosh, I sound horrible.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: [*still clapping*] It's not that bad! It's Goikyan Castilian Spanish; they do the lisp there!
* **T****V**: Actually, it's not a lisp. It's how they pronounce the [*buzzing sound effect*] in Goikyan Spain.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Ah, well, I'm not going to get the whole vibe down anyway. Should we just give up and hope Two gives us the first-place spot?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Sure thing, we can totally do— oh my robot gardener, watch out!

[*Basketball, TV and Robot Flower jump out of the way as* **Snowball** *does a "three-point landing" from the fifth floor.*]

* **Snowball**: Hurrrrr!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, it's you, Snowball. Hi.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Were you two bonking on *our floor?*
* **Snowball**: Shut up, no one was in there! Anyway, *I'm* here to save the day, as usual.

[**Lightning** *floats down from the window too.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: He's such a hero, isn't he?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yes, whatever. Anyway, Snowball, what do you want to read?
* **Snowball**: I want to read from the Eggja stone!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Oh, does that mean Eggy?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Nice, you want to do a tribute to our literally fallen teammate.
* **Snowball**: No! Eggja stone is a stone! With words! Give me my stone!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: A stone with words. We had that sort of thing with us where I come from.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Stone with words, huh? Like 420?
* **Snowball**: It is *RUNIC!*
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Ah, that's nice— wait a minute... Runic? As in... Vikings?

[*Lightning metaphorically shrinks.*]

* **Snowball**: Duh, like Vikings! Only the strongest people to roam the Earth! They are the *greatest*, like *me!*
* **Lig****htni****ng**: SB, those Vikings pillaged and enslaved my people. I don't think you should be proud of that.
* **Snowball**: It's called *thralls!* And they did a good job. That's why you're *yellow!*
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*Aside.*] Someone's getting burned and I don't know who it is.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Snowball, I cannot believe what I'm hearing from you! Y'can't just defend that behaviour; it's completely inexcusable!
* **Snowball**: Whatever. Your land is full of invadable *weaklings* anyway. But you're okay.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: You know what? I'm done here. Go find yourself another hostess with a terrific accent, feckin' eejit.

[*Exit* **Lightning**, *clearly angry. He is not as enraged as Snowball, though, who is pounding the ground with his fists.*]

* **Snowball**: [*roars*] ***MBRAAAAAOOOUW! GIMME MY STONE!***

[**Eraser** *rushes over.*]

* **Eraser**: Did someone say *stoned*?

#### With Death P.A.C.T. Again

[*Death P.A.C.T. Again are sitting in a circle just like at the start of the episode.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Fanny, toss me my Irish poetry collection, if you please.
* **Fan****ny**: The Irish or Goikyan Irish one?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Don't matter.
* **Fan****ny**: Well, I'm in the middle of something—like you were in the middle of some*one* for an entire year—so you'll just have to wait.

[*Lightning makes a whimpering sound.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Attention, team. I have decided to resume Pen's initiation.
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, look, he isn't even here right now. Typical for Mr. Flighty, I must say.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, there's, that problem.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*calling out*] Hey, Pen, someone wants to look at you.

[*Enter* **Pen** *so fast one would think he was teleporting.*]

* **P****en**: Anyone want headshots?
* **T****r****e****e**: [*getting up*] I have headaches.

[*Exit* **Tree**.]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So we are back to where we were, before Cake at Stake started. Repeat after me: "—t death".
* **P****en**: Death.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No. "—t death". Two arrived and trampled you, while you were saying the word *prevent*. The *t* sound, is not optional.
* **P****en**: Okay. —t death.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And... you're in.
* **P****en**: Cool! Thanks, buddy!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yay.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I hereby welcome 🅱️en to the Official Alliance of Non-Partisan Death Preventers and Their Allies of Any Team (Yes, I Know It's Repetitive), or OAONPDPATAOATYITIR for short. Now, if anyone here objects...
* **Fan****ny**: Wait, Pen, I must ask you this: Is there anything you *hate* in the competition?
* **P****en**: Not really. Everything is *awesome!*
* **Fan****ny**: [*unimpressed*] Well, I'm leaving before he starts singing. Cheers, you lot. [*to Lightning*] Finding your poetry book; you'd better thank me.

[*Fanny gets up.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: *Go raibh maith agat!* [*Subtitles: "Thank you!"*]
* **Fan****ny**: Close enough.

[*Exit* **Fanny**.]

* **P****en**: I'm starting to think some people might not like me.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*feigning shock*] Gasp. Noooooooo. /s

#### With The S!

[**Clock** *and* **Winner** *are reading from a book titled* Loser's More Recent Work. *They are smiling and laughing the whole time—Winner has a nostalgic look in their eyes. Enter* **Barf Bag**.]

* **Barf** **Bag**: Gaty, Saw.
* **G****at****y**: Barf Bag, hi!
* **S****aw**: Oh, hey, BB!
* **Barf** **Bag**: I need to ask your permission for something.
* **S****aw**: Sure!
* **Barf** **Bag**: Our team really wants to change names.
* **G****at****y**: Change names? Why?
* **Barf** **Bag**: Because the person who gave this team their original name has joined the other side.

[*Beat.*]

* **S****aw**: She's talking about me, right?
* **G****at****y**: Yup.
* **Barf** **Bag**: No, no one's angry. We were just wondering if you were okay with us changing our team name.
* **G****at****y**: Sure, fine, whatever, I don't care. I'm not a part of that team and Coiny seems to think of himself as "Mr. W.O.A.H. Bunch", so it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter.
* **S****aw**: Yeah, The S! is our home library now.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Great!

#### With the team8s

* **Barf** **Bag**: *They said yes!*
* **P****i****n**: Who?
* **Barf** **Bag**: Gaty and Saw!
* **Co****i****ny**: Who are they?
* **Barf** **Bag**: Never mind. Anyway, I guess this means you can change your team name, so... go crazy.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*holding up a red party cup*] ***WHOOOOOOOO!***
* **P****i****n**: Coiny, this is a library, remember?
* **Donut**: You shouldn't be drinking *or* shouting in here.
* **Co****i****ny**: ***WHOOOOOOOO!***
* **Donut**: Better. All we need now is Two.

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: You called?
* **Co****i****ny**: Two! Just the number I was looking for.
* **Two**: [*a bit annoyed*] What do you want, Coiny?
* **Co****i****ny**: We'd like to request a team name change.
* **Two**: Okay. What do you want to call yourselves?
* **Co****i****ny**: We want to be called W.O.A.H. Bunch.
* **P****i****n**: Being called W.O.A.H. Bunch reminds us of our shared past!
* **Barf** **Bag**: Even newcomer *I* am beginning to accept being called W.O.A.H. Bunch.
* **Two**: [*happily*] Then it's settled! Your team is now...

[*Above the team—that is, Barf Bag, Coiny, Donut, Pin, even Yellow Face—the new name appears as a catchy jingle plays (as in the first episodes of BFB and TPOT). They are now* **COLD WOE BUNCH**.]

* **All**: [*looking up*] *Cold Woe Bunch*?
* **Donut**: Er, Two, it's spelt wrong.
* **Two**: That's... *Two* bad! See what I did there? [*Silence.*] Okay, goodbye, Yellow Face is with you now.

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Co****i****ny**: Welcome aboard again!

#### With The S!

* **G****at****y**: Hey, did anyone else notice how long Yellow Face's been out?
* **Winner**: [*reading with Clock*] It's probably nothing.
* **Bot****tle**: Meep!

#### With Just Not

[*The whole team are in the same part of the library but looking at different books.* **Book** *is still watching Death P.A.C.T. Again (plus Pen) talk among one another in front of the hotel as friends do.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I can't believe they don't have anything here in my language.
* **Pill****ow**: You could always look it up!

[*Pillow points to the tower of books next to her. Like all the other book towers in the library, there doesn't seem to be a top in sight.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I can't climb that thing.
* **Nic****k****el**: Me neither!
* **C****a****ke**: This whole library was built for numbers that can change sizes, not short people like us.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Well, since I'm out of the question, does anyone else want to do the oratory-type thing?
* **N****a****ily**: Taggy, we've already settled this. You, me and Book, we're the only ones who can speak a language other than English.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Well, what about Nickel and Cake? They don't stop laughing when Two said "bless your heart". Methinks it's some kind of secret code.
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh, you wouldn't get it!
* **C****a****ke**: Y'all didn't grow up in the South like us.
* **Pill****ow**: [*dancing around the book tower*] ♫ Flibbity flobbity poo, I'm from the North, too! ♫

[*Beat.*]

* **N****a****ily**: Okay. Book, how about you?
* **Bo****ok**: Huh?
* **N****a****ily**: Don't you want to recite something from the great treasure of knowledge that's... you?
* **Bo****ok**: [*barely listening*] Yeah, yeah, I'll catch up with you later. I need to get something done.

[*Exit* **Book**.]

* **Pill****ow**: [*waltzing with a book*] Be back soon, eh? I think Cake's losing it!
* **C****a****ke**: Huh?

#### With Death P.A.C.T. Again and Are You Okay

[**Black Hole**, **Lightning**, **Pen** *and* **Remote** *talk happily amongst one another.*]

* **P****en**: And he took all the furniture in the room and made it come out of his eyes! It was really—

[*Golf Ball uses her leg as a cane to grab Pen and bring him to her team.*]

* **P****en**: Oh, hiya, Golf Ball. How ya doin'?
* **Golf Ball**: I have searched the library's database via an application on TV and found the best book for our team in the speech competition!
* **P****en**: That's terrific! What is it?
* **Golf Ball**: It is the only book there is that combines the dutiful art of mnemonics with my passage of choice for oratory, the *Aeneid*; and somehow Two has it in this infinite library!
* **Puffball**: They call it infinite for a reason, Golf Ball.

[*Exit.*]

* **P****en**: A'ight, so what do you need me for?
* **Golf Ball**: Eraser tells me that you saw a TV show based on this very epic poem.
* **P****en**: Hold up, are you talking about that show, the one with that Rulli-o Brogi fella?
* **Eraser**: Yeah.
* **P****en**: I watched that, like, right after Four disappeared. Asked Eraser to see it with me and he was like— [*deep voice*] "I don't watch none of that history stuff!"
* **Eraser**: He does a good me impression.
* **Golf Ball**: Focus, people. Since you have seen the show in the original foreign, you probably remember a few words from it. I was wondering if you could... ugh... help me out.
* **P****en**: Certainly, old sport!
* **Golf Ball**: Don't call me that, for I am your team leader.
* **Eraser**: And I am the pharaoh of Goikyan Egypt. /s

[*Golf Ball shows Pen an old-looking book titled* L'arte doverosa della mnemotecnica e la sua dimostrazione coll'*Eneide*, il passo della scelta di Golf Ball *(The Dutiful Art of Mnemonics Demonstrated on the Aeneid, the Passage of Golf Ball's Choice).*]

* **P****en**: Hmm... looks like you were right the first time.
* **Golf Ball**: So I was right, as always! Now, everyone, leave me alone so I can start memorizing this!
* **T****V**: Sure you don't need help? I can work as a teleprompter.
* **Golf Ball**: Okay. But no speaking out of tu—
* **T****V**: You can count on me.

#### With The Strongest Team on Earth and Just Not

[**Basketball** *(now the only member of The Strongest Team on Earth in the library) checks on the members of Just Not, who are still doing research.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Hey, Naily!
* **N****a****ily**: What goes on, mysterious stranger?
* **Baske****t****ball**: You have no idea what you're doing for the contest.
* **N****a****ily**: We'll find out soon enough!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, just not now.
* **Baske****t****ball**: I bet you didn't know about the recent pattern. We're almost sure to win the contest because we lost last time.
* **N****a****ily**: What's that got to do with anything?
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*realizing*] Not much, really. It's just some conspiracy Robot Flower thought up.
* **N****a****ily**: Where is Robot Flower, anyway?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, just TCB.

[*Jump cut to Snowball sitting on Robot Flower's head while she carries him (as a funky blaxploitation-type disco theme plays)—she travels at top speed to Norway to grab the Eggja stone for Snowball to memorize.*]

* **Snowball**: Ub-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! Go slower!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Not until you stop being a dingo!

[*Back to the library.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Well, I wish your team the worst. /j
* **N****a****ily**: I wish you the double worst!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Triple worst!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Goodbye, losers! [*Exit.*]
* **Nic****k****el**: Seriously, how do you not hate her already?
* **N****a****ily**: That's how frenemies roll, dude-o. Now who wants to watch Taggy and me duke it out in the ultimate RPS battle? I found a book Two's sure to love!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: And I've just made up my own language. Loser represents our team!
* **C****a****ke**: Yeah! Loser— oh, wait.
* **Pill****ow**: Worst out of 2,763!

### **DPA's hotel room**

**Scene**
[*The same blank-white room as before.* **Tree** *is lying on the floor, his "bed".* **Fanny** *is looking out the window at her team.*]

* **Fan****ny**: *Have this book, Lightning!*

[*She drops Lightning's collection of Irish poetry from the first floor.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*off-screen*] Ow!

[*Fanny turns around and sees Tree with both of his arms behind his head and one leg crossed.*]

* **Fan****ny**: That pose makes you look like the cover of a failed romance novel.
* **T****r****e****e**: Whatever. Where are you going anyway?
* **Fan****ny**: Getting food from the vending machine.
* **T****r****e****e**: For the team?
* **Fan****ny**: No, for me. I hate sharing!

[*Fanny opens the door to the surprise of* **Book**, *who stands meekly outside.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Hello, Fanny.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate you!

[*Exit* **Fanny**. *At the same time, Book enters.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Uh, hi.
* **T****r****e****e**: If you don't mind, I'd like not to be bothered by anybody right now.
* **Bo****ok**: Fancy talking that way to someone who wants to help you.
* **T****r****e****e**: Help me? You don't even know me! I bet you've defined me as an *abandoner*, just as you do with everyone.
* **Bo****ok**: [*offended*] Tree, that was years ago! And I've changed, honest. But I didn't come here so we could talk about my own personal failings. I came to talk to you.
* **T****r****e****e**: What would you do that for?
* **Bo****ok**: Because... I see you out there. Whenever somebody says Pen's name, you start to go on these ridiculous rants, and when he appears next to you, you just leave the room all cross. Why are you like this, Tree?
* **T****r****e****e**: Dumb dog deserves it for letting his best mate run loose and cause death.

[*Pause. Book looks at him strangely.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Look. I thought you, the sensible one of us all, would realize by now that Eraser killed you under the influence of demonic possession. Pen could never do you any harm; he's too nice and above all far too stupid for that. You're letting your thoughts be contaminated by your dislike of a guy who doesn't even want to hurt you.
* **T****r****e****e**: I know, but it's just that...
* **Bo****ok**: Just what? You're holding a grudge, and that's not good for yourself. How long ago has it actually been since the lodge incident, anyway?
* **T****r****e****e**: Well... two years ago, now.
* **Bo****ok**: Yes, and what's another two years in the grand scheme of things? You've lost hundreds of days just because you are preoccupied with doing nothing about something that only *you* care about.
* **T****r****e****e**: I know... [*Silent for a few seconds.*] Why were you so interested in coming up here in the first place?
* **Bo****ok**: Because I also know what it's like to hold a grudge for years. You remember BFB, the whole "Taco incident".
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, that was pretty ridiculous.
* **Bo****ok**: It *was* ridiculous. I honestly don't know how I would have managed if I didn't have people constantly giving me a reality check.
* **T****r****e****e**: Which is what you're doing to me.
* **Bo****ok**: Tree, I can't order you around, or put you under mind control, or burn a hole in the ozone layer above your head until you start playing nice, but I would really appreciate it if you'd at least think about what I'm trying to say. At least for the sake of your team and your friends.

[*Pause.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Wow, Book, that... really never crossed my mind. Thanks, I guess.
* **Bo****ok**: Any time.

[*Exit* **Book** *quietly. Tree sits in silence.*]

## Contest wrapping up

#### With The Strongest Team on Earth

[*View of* **Snowball** *through Basketball's video camera—its owner speaks off-screen. Snowball is carrying the Eggja stone.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Alright, Snowball, you ready to make a movie?
* **Snowball**: No, I want to read! [*Aside.*] I've never said that before.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Okay, SB, remember: Two doesn't want you to read from the text itself.
* **Snowball**: I know what to do!

[*He lifts the stone up and down like a dumbbell.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Okay. We're rolling!

[*She presses the record button. Snowball reads his poem while lifting the stone making awkward grunting noises.*]

**Inscription: The Eggja stone**

**Vocalist(s)**: Snowball (in reality interpreted by Ottar Grønvik, 1985)

**Snowball**: *Hjú þverr, hín varp násjó Vill: máðe þeim keipa i bormóða húni. Hverr of kom her á hitt land? Gotna fiskr ór firney-ím, svimande foki af fán-vanga lande. Æ ey es yrki! Ne's sólu sótt, ok ne sakse, stein skorinn; ne víti maðr, nǫkðan es ná rinn, ne viltir menn, lægis!*
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*shocked, still off-screen*] Wow, that was really intelligent.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: And eloquent!

[*Zoom out of the camera screen until we see that this is footage being played for* **Two**. *They smile.*]

* **Two**: That really was amazing, Snowball. Who would have thought you could ever do that?
* **Snowball**: *Of course* I can do that; it's the biggest literature when I growed up!
* **Two**: So you're a Goikyan Icelander, then.
* **Snowball**: No, you monkey wrench!
* **T****V**: To be fair, Modern Icelandic is very similar to the Old Norse of Snowball's parlance.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: That's highly mutually intelligible!
* **Two**: Well, The Strongest Team on Earth, because you filmed your team's oratory on camera, you don't have to take part in the big competition in a few minutes. You're finished!

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: You heard the number! *Camera*, not *video*!
* **Baske****t****ball**: I guess that puts an end to that debate.
* **Snowball**: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[*Snowball takes Basketball's video camera and smashes it on the ground.*]

* **Snowball**: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Give me your video too, you robot!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: In your dreams, lout! Now help me bring back this stolen runestone.

[*Robot Flower grabs Snowball and speeds over to Norway.*]

* **[** **Baske****t****ball** · **Golf Ball** **]**: Good riddance.

[*Basketball and Golf Ball (who has been in practising in the background) look at each other.*]

#### With Just Not

* **[** **N****a****ily** · **P****ri****c****e Tag** **]**: Rock, paper, scissors.
* **N****a****ily**: I win!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: We've been playing this hundreds of times and this is the first time you won!
* **N****a****ily**: It must be my lucky streak!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, of one.
* **Pill****ow**: It just doesn't seem to be statistically plausible. On *Earth*, that is.
* **N****a****ily**: Well, I guess I'm the one going up anyway.

[*Enter* **Basketball**.]

* **Baske****t****ball**: I see you've just chosen your candidate!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: We'll catch up, Basketball!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Well, you'd better do it soon. Two says the big oratory competition is coming up.
* **N****a****ily**: Oh yeah? When?

[*They all hear Two clapping.*]

* **C****a****ke**: Right now!
* **N****a****ily**: Oh, crack.

## Post-contest

### **Middle of the library**

**Scene****Two** is standing on top of a large podium. About half of the contestants are already sitting down in the audience.
* **Two**: Hello, everyone! Welcome to the first and last annual Polyglot Oratory Competition for *The Power of Two*!
* **Snowball**: Oh, boring. Do we *have* to be here?
* **Two**: Not at all! Let's be honest... This was a really uninteresting contest. You're free to move around the library if you wish.
* **Eraser**: Hell yeah! Pen, want to join our paintball battle?
* **P****en**: I'm going to watch them. Think they seem really interesting. [*points to Death P.A.C.T. Again (without Tree) getting front-row seats*]
* **Eraser**: Suit yourself, nerd. /j
* **Puffball**: We'll try to vandalize everything but the books.
* **Eraser**: No way. The books, get 'em too!

[*Exeunt. Pen sits down in between* **Remote** *(who puts her arm around him) and* **Book**.]

* **Two**: First up is Are You Okay.

[*Silence.*]

* **Golf Ball**: [*going up the stairs*] See, Two, that made sense. You are clearly saying *Are You Okay* as though it were a noun, so we don't have to respond with—
* **Two**: Golf Ball. Please.
* **Golf Ball**: Okay, I'll go now.

[*Golf Ball breathes in and recites. Her voice—just like those of most of the other orators—changes.*]

**The first lines from Virgil's *Aeneid***

**Vocalist(s)**: Golf Ball

**Golf Ball**: *Arma virumque cano, Trojae qui primus ab oris

Italiam, fato profugus, Laviniaque venit*...

*Impulerit. Tantaen' animis caelestibus irae?*

[*Applause.*]

* **P****en**: Whoo!
* **Golf Ball**: [*to Pen, albeit in good spirits*] What are you, Freddy the Cannon?
* **T****V**: [*Aside, to Robot Flower.*] She even got the elisions right.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Not bad for a sports ball.
* **Two**: Not bad at all, GB. Up next is—
* **Golf Ball**: Wait, aren't you going to give commentary on my performance?
* **Two**: Nope! Next up is someone from Death P.A.C.T. Again!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: I will do it!
* **Two**: Fascinating. What will you recite to us?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: I am going to orate you all with the *Caoineadh* for Art Ó Laoghaire.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*points at the word "Caoineadh"*] Hey, that looks like my name!
* **Two**: Whenever you're ready.

[*Lightning clears his throat.*]

**Keen (Lamentary poem): Caoineadh Áirt Uí Laoghaire**

**Vocalist(s)**: Lightning

**Lig****htni****ng**: *Mo ghrá go daingean tu!

Lá dá bhfaca thu

Ag ceann tí an mhargaidh,

Thug mo shúil aire dhuit...*

* **Bo****ok**: Psst, Pen.
* **P****en**: What's up?
* **Bo****ok**: I know we shouldn't speak right now, but I talked to Tree.
* **P****en**: What? Why?
* **Bo****ok**: I couldn't stand to see any more rivalries between anyone; we're contestants.
* **P****en**: I don't think there was a rivalry; it's more like friendly banter between old buddies. Tree just likes to have fun, and I really like him like that, as a matter of fact.
* **Bo****ok**: You really think that way, don't you?
* **P****en**: You bet. [*finger guns her*]
* **Bo****ok**: Gosh, you're kind of dense.

**Lig****htni****ng**: *Go dtíodh an t-eadartha

Nó thairis dá dtaitneadh liorn.* Next verse!

*Mo chara go daingean*—

* **Two**: Wait, now, Lightning, how many verses are there in this poem?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Verses? This goes on for hundreds of lines, and I'm proud to have memorized every single one!
* **Two**: Oh, that's fascinating and all, but we're running out of time!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: But Two, this recital comes straight from my heart, or wherever my feelings come from. It is about the great soul of my people who died at the hands of a barbaric Germanic invader!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Tsst, Snowball, the barbarian.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Lightning's not wrong! He mooned a Goikyan Norwegian security guard asking for our visas.
* **Two**: [*to Lightning*] Touching, but you really ought to get off the stage now.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Well, dear me!
* **Two**: Next up, team8s, now known as Cold Woe Bunch.
* **Donut**: That's us!

[*Everyone on the team (including Yellow Face) goes on stage.*]

* **Two**: Interesting get-up.
* **Donut**: Oh, well, our speaker has stage fright and we thought that one of us could catch her should she fall down.
* **Co****i****ny**: Which she's *not* going to do! [*Aside, to Pin.*] I believe in you, Pin.
* **P****i****n**: Thanks.
* **Two**: Okay. As long as you just stand there and blink.
* **Yellow Face**: No problem! [*blinks*]
* **P****i****n**: Hello, everyone, I will be reading to you all the first lines from *The Tale of Kieu*.

[*Pin clears her throat and cracks her knuckles.*]

* **P****i****n**: Ooh!

**First lines from Truyện Kiều**

**Vocalist(s)**: Pin

**P****i****n**: *Trăm năm trong cõi người ta,

Chữ tài chữ mệnh khéo là ghét nhau...*

* **G****at****y**: So that's where Yellow Face's been all this time.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: *Shh! Our friend is demonstrating the art of rhetoric, for which we must be quiet!*
* **S****aw**: Well, until a few minutes ago, we were... uh... what was it?
* **G****at****y**: Working.
* **S****aw**: Yeah, working!
* **G****at****y**: Eh, good timing anyway.

[*They high/low-five. All of a sudden, applause is heard as Pin finishes.*]

* **P****i****n**: Thank you, bless you all!
* **Two**: Yeah. Good job, Pin, and the rest of you for listening. Next up: Just Not!

[*Naily goes on stage.*]

**Title**

**Vocalist(s)**: Naily

**N****a****ily**: *Wagahai wa neko de aru.*

[*She makes the >:3 face and gets off the stage.*]

* **Two**: [*confused*] Okay. Our final speaker is the one from The S!. Show us what you've got.
* **Co****i****ny**: You got this, Clock!
* **P****i****n**: Yeah!

[*Clock goes on stage.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Today, I shall unveil Loser's last letter before his untimely elimination.

[*Cake gasps.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: He had originally published it in the language in which he would have preferred to write it, and now I had the honour and privilege of sharing it—
* **Two**: Start reading it, please, we're almost out of time.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*Aside.*] Geez, I get one chance to deliver one speech that I *tried* to be sentimental for and— [*sees Two getting impatient*] Okay, okay, I'll read it. Ehem.
* **C****a****ke**: This is going to be so good!

[*As Clock reads, Winner can be seen taping the speech with Robot Flower's video camera.*]

**Epistle**

**Vocalist(s)**: Clock

**C****l****o****c****k**: *Inzwischen hab' ich meine letzten Worte gefunden,

Und ich möcht' allen Anwesenden Folgendes sagen...*

* **S****aw**: Hey, G***EI—*** I mean, hey, you, let's talk while Clock's talking.
* **G****at****y**: Yeah, let's make him growl.
* **Yellow Face**: Let us steam the machine!
* **S****aw**: Yellow Face, what were you doing up there?
* **Yellow Face**: Didn't you hear? I'm a part of Cold Woe Bunch now.
* **G****at****y**: Gross. Why?
* **Cloudy**: It's because Yellow Face was on W.O.A.H. Bunch in BFDIA.
* **G****at****y**: I guess that's fair.
* **Yellow Face**: Yep. I am a ***W.O.A.H. BUNCH KING!***

[*Applause (to Clock being done).*]

* **Two**: [*about to cry*] That was one of the most beautiful things I've heard!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yeah! I knew you'd like my reading Loser!
* **Winner**: A job well done, *Genosse*. [*returns the video camera*] Save this video?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: No promises!
* **Two**: Who would have thought that speaking German with that accent would sound so good?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I mean, I haven't really got the pronunciation down.
* **Two**: I would have assumed you would. Rules and efficiency, isn't that what that language's speakers are all about?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's a stereotype, Two.
* **Golf Ball**: [*Aside.*] Why not ask Tennis Ball if he were still in?
* **C****a****ke**: Hey, everyone! Let's all chant Loser's name for old times' sake!
* **Two**: Ooh, no, let's not; we're severely out of time, here are the final placings of today's contest, okay? I suddenly need to use the toilet, bye.

[*Two claps, turning the background back to the sky. Hinc teleportat* **Two**, *leaving nothing behind except for the paper showing who got first/last place. Everyone gathers around it and talks at the same time.*]

* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: We're not first!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Eh, third's fine.
* **Nic****k****el**: Wait, we lost?
* **N****a****ily**: Darn, I knew it.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Told you we should have opened the book instead of just reading the title.
* **N****a****ily**: [*recycled line*] I screwed up! And I'm not even a—

### **Voting screen**

**Scene**
* **Two**: Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated! Vote for who you want to stay! The person with the fewest votes will leave the show!

[*Roll credits.*]

## Post-credits scenes

### **Outside**

**Scene**Night. Two is watching Clock recite Loser's letter on TV once more, while a few contestants stay outside and watch.
**C****l****o****c****k**: *... daß wir wieder zusammen sein können.*
* **Two**: That gets more beautiful every time I watch it! Play it again, TV!
* **T****V**: I'm sorry, but I'm getting tired.
* **Puffball**: Good thing you made Two tired before they could do...
* **Two**: I'm about to... I'm going to...

[*Two sneezes three recovery cylinders from their nostrils to the wet fart sound.*]

* **Puffball**: That.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, wow, it's our dead teammates!
* **Voice**: [*muffled*] I'm Grassy!
* **Baske****t****ball**: I know who that voice belongs to!

[**Grassy** *breaks out of his cylinder.*]

* **Gra****ssy**: Basketball!
* **Baske****t****ball**: There you are!

[**Eggy** *is freed too.*]

* **E****g****gy**: Finally, I'm alive!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Eggy!
* **E****g****gy**: I think I suffered the worst death of the entire season, legs down. Who would have thought that sliding down to your doom isn't just a Seven Flags attraction?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: I wouldn't be so sure of that!

[**Foldy** *escapes.*]

* **F****old****y**: Hi, everyone!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, hi, Foldy. I don't want this to be the first thing you hear, so I'm going to, uh, sing you a song! ♫ *La-la-la-la-la!* ♫ Okay, with that being said—
* **Two**: You're eliminated.
* **F****old****y**: Huh? Why?
* **Two**: [*absurdly low number*] people voted for you.
* **F****old****y**: Darn, I was sure that number would be high enough.
* **Two**: And now, you're going to get the eliminated treatment, just like Bell and Marker did.
* **F****old****y**: Bell's gone too? *And* Marker?
* **Baske****t****ball**: See, you're looking forward to it already!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: And your body pillow was eliminated too!
* **F****old****y**: *What?* That means it's probably making out with Stapy, I mean, Stape-O!
* **Two**: Now, I know you'll be missing TPOT—
* **F****old****y**: TPOT? Who gives a sheet of paper about limitless power? I've got two friends to catch, and a pillow clone to blast. Foldy is out, peace!

[*The doors to the hotel and the Filing Cabinet open and* **Foldy** *walks in with dignity.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Bye, Foldy!
* **F****old****y**: Believe in gogma!

[*She disappears through the portal inside the hotel lobby.* **Gy** *(the lower half of the old Eggy) can be seen in the background.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: You know, she took it better than I thought.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Come on, TV, let's go have that opposite date like those art school kids on that show from the future!

[*Exit* **Robot Flower** *and* **TV**.]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Two, why do you even have those body pillows anyway?
* **Two**: Oh, um... [*Two looks away.*]

[*Jump cut to* **Two** *in the broom closet, surrounding by body pillows that have them and all the TPOT contestants on them.*]

* **Two**: [*self-imitating*] Hey there, Clock Body Pillow, how'd you like to do a challenge? [*as Clock*] As long as I get to be the host of you this time, Two Body Pillow! [*as Two*] A-hoddaly-hoddaly-hoddaly-hoddaly-*ho!*

### **EXIT**

**Scene**Zoom out until it's revealed that this scene is being watched by the EXITers.
* **8****-****Ball**: This Two fellow is a hoot.
* **St****a****py**: Man, I can't believe Foldy got eliminated. I hope she's okay.
* **Li****y**: I don't.
* **St****a****py**: What?
* **Li****y**: I hope she's not okay.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What are you lot talking about, of course she's okay! She's got all the virtual Stapy she can get!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: You're a sick person, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, at least I'm not Match.
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, you wouldn't, like, *know* what I'd, like, say.

[*Knock on the door through which the EXITers usually enter.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: No!
* **Bracel****ety**: Curse these door-knocks being used as conveniently placed cliffhangers!
* **Li****y**: I'll get it!

[*The knocks get louder, but Liy opens the door. Of course, we don't see who is on the other side because this is...*]

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

**R****e****m****ot****e**: All except for Gaty's weird camera-less video camera.
**G****at****y**: One example doesn't make it weird.
**Two**: Then why do they call it a camera?
**C****l****o****c****k**: Who knows.
**Golf Ball**: Who cares?
**C****a****ke**: I think it's a bit misleading.
**Fan****ny**: I hate products that lie!
**Two**: Lie or not, I'm still calling them "videos".
**T****r****e****e**: This discussion is going nowhere, thread locked.
**Two**: Thread unlocked, I want to know why you're all wrong!
**Donut**: But we aren't wrong; most video cameras can take still photos.
**Barf** **Bag**: How do you know?
**Co****i****ny**: Donut's really good at technologies like cameras and stuff.
**Barf** **Bag**: Would that count video cameras?
**P****i****n**: I would assume so, 'cause he said "and stuff".
**T****V**: "And stuff" implies the existence of other items in a list.
**P****i****n**: You get it, TV!
**T****V**: I am part camera, after all.
**P****ri****c****e Tag**: But would "cameras" in this sense be inclusive of video cameras, or just still-photo-taking cameras?
**Barf** **Bag**: "Video cameras" has "cameras" in the name already.
**Baske****t****ball**: Then what would "and stuff" refer to?
**C****a****ke**: It's ambiguous, but I think it's video cameras that don't call themselves that.
**P****ri****c****e Tag**: Actually, I was talking about TV.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: It's video cameras all the wa—

* Basketball had a line after Two said that she and Snowball should feel proud: "Pride's no match for love." I deleted it because it made little sense in the scene and it could have been misunderstood by today's generation (who associate *pride* and *love* together with the LGBTQ movement, which wasn't exactly the case when Patti Labelle released a song with this as the title).
* Cloudy was going to die accidentally because he was standing in the direct path of Two's reality-warping powers.
* After Eggy's top half got sent to the Filing Cabinet, Basketball was going to explain to Two that Eggy is still alive, but Two would deny those claims because Eggy didn't simply walk the portal like everyone else (she simply fell through it). This scene was shortened.
* Two's "Library of Borgress" would have been called "Library of El Aleph".
* Two was originally going to have all the contestants recite from the same passage in Latin (as it did happen that way in real life). This was changed to a passage from a different language per team to reduce boredom. Also, not all the contestants speak Latin.
* Snowball was originally going to tell Robot Flower to "shut up, wench" instead of just "shut up". This was dropped because I thought it was mean.
* Pen had another line in this episode in response to Black Hole (at the end of the Death P.A.C.T. Again scene): "Well, as long as no one finds me unattractive, I think I'm doing pretty darn well."
* Pen was going to ask why Golf Ball doesn't simply ask TV to translate from Italian to English with a translator app, and this is what she would have said:

**T****V**: There are dozens of apps you can download on me.
**Golf Ball**: As *if*. I wouldn't trust a mechanical mind to translate something into foreign before I make something that actually works! No offence.
**T****V**: Totally none taken. [*Aside.*] Not.
* Two was going to tell Pin that they majored in Goikyan Vietnamese studies in university. This line was scrapped because until episode 5, Two didn't even make it past the Equation Playground.

* If I wanted the episode to be any longer, I would have had the contestants recite all of their oratory lines on-screen instead of snippets. Clock's contribution, an original speech, would have been all of this:

**C****l****o****c****k**: *Inzwischen hab' ich meine letzten Worte gefunden, und ich möcht' allen Anwesenden Folgendes sagen. Herzlichen Dank an alle, die sich bemüht haben, mich willkommen zu heißen. Obwohl es nur so kurz war, werd' ich das, was wir zusammen gemacht haben, für immer vermissen. Wichtig ist nur, daß wir uns amüsiert haben. Und ach, wie schön ist es, daß Vier nicht mehr unter uns weilt. Wenigstens konnt' ich die letzten Tage, die ich im Wettbewerb hatte, mit Euch allen verbringen. Ihr gebt mir ein Gefühl des Stolzes und den Wunsch, daß wir wieder zusammen sein können.** I was going to write in the notes that Clock's accent during the reading bit would sound very similar to that of a Francophone speaking German, *e.g.* Mireille Mathieu, Salvatore Adamo *etc.*
* While Clock was reciting his speech, Gaty was originally going to say "Let's piss him off", meaning "Let's get him angry"—the line stood until 26 August. I changed it after I found out that that word is on the same level as the F-bomb and the C-word in terms of vulgarity... at least in the U.S., where the object show community is centred. Neither "ass" nor "arse" are prohibited, but I don't think I'll be using those.

## Notes

1. ↑ In honour of the neoclassical elements of this episode, I have introduced new Latin action indicators (with the previous names, used in episodes 2–10, after the hyphen):

	* **Huc teleportat** - Enter Two spontaneously. (*Literally: "Teleports hither."*)
	* **Hinc teleportat** - Exit Two spontaneously. (*Literally: "Teleports hence."*)
	* **Sibi loquens** - Talking to oneself. ("**Aside.**" is preferred.)
	* **Nemini loquens** - Talking to no one. (Abbreviated form of "**nemini praesertim loquens**", "talking to no one in particular")
2. ↑ Once again, Snowball is in the wrong.
3. ↑ Americans, this isn't a bad word. It's meant to be euphemistic.
4. ↑ Text from Harvard University.
5. ↑ Text from Ireland Calling.
6. ↑ An ambiguous statement (the original poem is referring to an Englishman), but it shows how much Lightning is emotionally pained right now.
7. ↑ Text from The Nôm Preservation Foundation.
8. ↑ Unlike most of the orators, Clock's voice actor (voiced by Satomi) stayed the same during the foreign-language reading part.

**Fake TPOT** [V]