221: These People Deserve to Be Roasted in Their Beds!

## Summary

Captain Clockface is badly burned in the factory blaze, but despite Batthwack and the group's best efforts, remains unresponsive. Having escaped from the burning building, Will takes Raphina to look for help on Waterside, noting on the way that the wall has now vanished. They eventually convince the *Tomorrow, Today!* employees to summon the mages, and satisfied that the situation is now being handled by the professionals, the group heads to Gwen's apartment, only to discover it's locked.

## Synopsis

On the edge of the factory blaze, Batthwack tries to roll the burning Captain Clockface, managing to suppress the flames with his own body, quickly extinguishing them. Captain Clockface still isn't responsive and they can now see that he's been badly scorched by the fire. His entire body is covered with whirls of green and black scorch marks. His pumpkin-painted face has completely gone. Gwen is very upset, wailing and crying about how she didn't mean for any of this to happen. Raphina steps up to *Revivify* Captain Clockface, reaching down to touch his scorched body. She inhales powdered diamonds, and with her hand on his body can feel the mechanism within whir to life. He doesn't move. Gwen casts *Healing Light* creating a sweet smell of sugar in the air and a warm light. There are no physical changes to Captain Clockface.

Will is in Crumplemeyer's office, unaware of the full extent of the fire. Having just finished interrogating Selenia, he asks her if she knows who he is. She's confused. He casts *Detect Thoughts* and can tell she doesn't know his background, only what she's learnt about him since they met. The raging fire is closing in around the rest of the party below. Raphina shouts *"Let's go guys!"* Gwen calls up to Will, telling him to grab anything incriminating to do with Crumplemeyer and get out. Will quickly grabs all the paperwork laid out around the room and stuffs it back into his bag, opting to leave the finger nail clippers behind. He hops up on the cabinets at the broken window, next to Hilula who's looking down into the factory. With a mixture of incredulity and sarcasm, Will yells *"Batthwack? Goddamit, Batthwack! Great! Good job! Get a career as a fire fighter! Excellent!"* Gwen tells him to jump down and they'll catch him. Will just laughs. Hilula jumps down and Mo catches her. He shouts *"Will, you jump!"* but Will opts to cast *Fly* and floats down gently. Raphina shouts urgently *"Will did you get any of the mouth harps?!"* and she's so intense he doesn't even question it. He flies back up to grab a couple. Gwen calls to Selenia to jump and she does. She awkwardly lands on Gwen, but her fall is broken and no serious damage is done.

Raphina dispels the fog cloud. Gwen points to the doors in the south-west and Batthwack picks up Captain Clockface and runs towards them. Mo shouts to everyone to follow and everyone starts moving. Will flies off ahead, picking up Raphina. Gwen shepherds Selenia and Hilula along. Will arrives at the other end of the room first, trying one of the south doors. It's locked. Batthwack goes to the side door on the west side of the room and it's also locked. He tries to force it as the fire continues to spread towards them.

Batthwack manage to force the door open and goes through. He finds himself in an empty administrative room. There are two desks, chairs and shelves holding papers and books. It's clearly an office to do with the running of the factory. There's another door in the south wall and windows to the outside. Batthwack runs to the door while Gwen makes sure everyone is safely inside the room. Batthwack opens the door and daylight streams in. Raphina shouts *"Let's get out of here!"* and they all spill out into a back access alley. They hear a series of muffled explosions from inside the building as they leave. The alley they're in is a side street leading in two direction, tucked in behind the factory. One end of the alley is right near the post office. It's moderately drizzling and the party notice that there is still no noxious smell, giving the town quite a different feel to before. Smoke from the burning building billows into the air.

Gwen says they need to tell everyone what was going on in the town. She says that all the animosity was being created by Crumplemeyer and when she killed him, *"Oh, god, that was terrible."* she interrupts herself. *"I didn't really mean to do that."* Mo disagrees. He was very impressed. *"Did you see what she did? Bite and rip and bite and gout and... rend!"* Gwen says she's not proud of her actions, but Mo says Crumplemeyer was an evil man. Batthwack says they should get out of there and Will agrees. Will suggests going to the Waterside for help, because they have access to the water pipes. He says Raphina might be better at liaising with them, so tells her to go with him and they fly together.

Batthwack and Gwen notice some townsfolk are gathered in the street, talking in small groups and gesturing up at the smoke. Gwen urges them to get out of harms way, explaining there was an accident and now the building is on fire. One of the Cliffsiders starts to bark orders at the other standing around. *"You! Reg! Go get the fire brigade! Get them mobilised! Go! Let's go quick! You! Lydia! Go down that way and alert the militia! Keep people clear!"* Now they have a sense of purpose, everyone actually seems very disciplined and organised. Batthwack lays Captain Clockface down and places his hands on his shoulder to try and heal him but he still doesn't wake up.

Meanwhile, Will flies across town and notices that the wall isn't there any more! He's confused, saying to Raphina *"Uh, what the? Do you see...? Like, do you see any...? This is so weird. It's just gone!"* Will wonders if it was an illusion the whole time. They keep on going and head towards the *Tomorrow, Today!* office. As they're flying down they see crowds of people out on the street, milling about. Those close to the wall are looking at where the wall used to be, unsurprisingly very confused by it's sudden absence. They land in the square outside the office. The townsfolk there step back in wonder as Will descends out of the heavens. This is clearly not a common occurrence for them. They give him a wide berth, but Will starts shouting at them about the fire and calling for the fire brigade or anyone who can help. They continue to be slightly baffled by Will. One Watersider says *"You know Jenny I was gonna help him, but he's really rude!"* Raphina appeals for aid, trying to explain that there's a fire in the factory, but everyone is a little non-plussed.

Will transforms his appearance into that of Crumplemeyer and this seems to have an effect on the Watersiders, who seem to start paying a bit more attention at this point. Will shouts *"If you don't fix it the entire economy of Morrow's Inlet will be a shambles!"* Some people from the offices wander out and ask what's happening. Will directs them to speak with Raphina, but they're also a bit slow on the uptake, until they spot the smoke rising into the sky. They suggest sending the mages to help as well; thinking that water may not suffice to control the blaze. The office worker starts barking orders to people around and soon some of the mages they had previously seen with the the town guard emerge from the office. Not wishing to have his powers removed again, Will flies up on top of a nearby building, hoping to give enough distance between him and the mages. The Townsfolk and mages start heading off towards Cliffside and a bucket brigade is forming from the inlet itself.

Seeing that action is now being taken, Will flies off back towards the paper plant, landing on a building near Gwen and Batthwack. He warns them to watch out for the mages who are on their way. Gwen says they should get out of here and decides to go to her apartment. She leads the way, noting how weird it is to see a three foot space of crushed stone on the ground where the wall used to be. There are lots of people on the streets. Nobody seems to really know what they're doing. A lot of people are looking up at the smoke, but generally there are more people out and about than would be expected given the inclement weather. The group arrive at Gwen's apartment. At first glance everything appears normal, but when Gwen tries to open the door, she finds it's locked.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Abby/Raphina. Will and Raphina are desperately trying to convince the Watersiders to help fight the fire at the paper factory. After a good couple of minutes of explaining there's a fire at the paper mill, one of them says to Raphina *"What's happening? What can we do?"* Raphina replies *"Water! You have water! Bring it with you. Let's go!"* The Watersider says *"To what? What do we need water for?"* Raphina can't take any more. *"These people deserve to be roasted in their beds!"*

## Recap Song

Recap to the tune of *We Didn't Start the Fire* by Billy Joel:

*Verse 1:*

Morrow's Inlet, magic spells, underground mysterious grells

Backsiders, frontsiders, lots of cool stores

Famous tricky master thieves named Ricardo Ulysses

Watersiders, cliffsiders, the Pineapple Wars

Stealing children, throwing cats, inter party pissy spats

Princesses biting shelves, gelatinous cubes eating elves

Creepy crawling hands are weird, Raphina’s got a flower beard

Carmel windows, cockroaches, patchwork clothing, rainbow frills

*Chorus:*

Gwen started the fire

With her *Flame Strike* magic, Merrick’s dead - so tragic!

Gwen started the fire

She totally lit it, Crumplemeyer bit it

*Verse 2:*

Drama, talking, *Zone of Truth*, Raphina wasn’t Dr. Ruth

Sticky bricks, sticky crowns, Will stole some clothes

Candy paired with shattered glass, Tess can shake her dwarven ass

Piner Things, Book Bin, marshmallows up the nose

Customs office, giant worms, asking questions with set terms

Marko’s gone, Dew skidoo'ed, Will has never eaten food

Magic paper, mouth harps, Rainbow Trouts and Coursing Carps

Papermill tycoon, Batthwack called my bro a goon

*Chorus:*

Batthwack stirred up the fire

He should have used water, now the flames are hotter

Batthwack stirred up the fire

With his *Eldritch Blast*, we gotta get out of here fast

*Verse 3:*

Unicorns, candy, Kowl, this whole city smells foul

Water pipes, paying rent, Marko’s got a weird accent

Moondreamer, Roomcreamer, Gwen is a super cleaner

Celestial Confections, question game rejections

Beartoggle, Gully's End, Hilula is not our friend

Who is this Selenia, Is Tivoli missing-a

Pippa is a skele-cat, Chilchirah was really fat

Raphina hid inside a cake, we also had a prison break

*Chorus:*

Who will put out this fire?

Gwen initiated, Batthwack escalated

Who will put out this fire?

What’s the magic spell, we’re in a flaming hell

*Verse 4:*

Surveillance, confiscations and communications

Glowing lichen, whiskey from Bufflin

Roladexaroonie, fine, my brother’s gooney

Water pipes, sulphur stink, Batthwack gave Will a wink

Puzzle contests, unicorns, Batthwack’s tribe is full of scorn

Raphina talks to giant worms, Will invented contract porn

*Chorus:*

Will didn’t start the fire

Neither did Raphina with her concertina

They didn’t start the fire

It was Gwen and Batthwack, they are both such buttcracks

*Verse 5:*

Crumplemeyer built a wall, Blinsky made a clockwork doll

We tore the office all apart, Ricardo’s middle name is fart

BURP, MONKEY, GRAPE, EYE, Selenia might be a spy

Magic brazier, Captain Clock, Krykryk, Threaded Stock

Chocolate turtles, centipede, awkward DM guaranteed

Heavy money, glass ball, Cliffsiders wear coveralls

Dark powers, fauna gods, luminescent arthropods

Captain Clockface is on fire! Shit, this situation’s dire!

*Chorus:*

Captain Clockface on fire!

What a crazy cliffhanger, Eric’s such a wanger

Clockface is on fire!

I’ve been worried all week about his wooden physique (physique, physique, physique...)

## References

1. ↑ Batthwack has the paladin ability *Lay on Hands*
2. ↑ See episode 208: Poetic Lichen