Fake TPOT 12: Death P.A.C.T. Takes a Holiday/part 2

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"**Death P.A.C.T. Takes a Holiday**" is the non-canon twelfth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 7 October 1976. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 12 (or even TPOT 2) comes out. This episode went by two previous titles: "**Tug of a Lifetime**" during its creation process and "**The Heist Is Right**", known as such before its sacrifice on Halloween 2021.

Next episode: "File in the Cab!"

## Contest (and road scenes)

### **Above the tundra**

**Scene**I should have specified that it was night. Darn time zones. Anyway, **Black Hole** is independently floating as **Tree**, **Remote** and **Fanny** orbit him. **Lightning** trails behind a bit.
* **T****r****e****e**: *This* was your form of alternative transport?
* **Fan****ny**: Did you not say that there is a clear and present danger that we should die if we get too close?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I did say that. Just, try not to orbit me *too* close.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*from behind*] I'm way ahead of you, BH!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You know, you don't have to be so far.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: What, and disturb the delicate balance of a Black Hole orbital system? No, thanks.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Okay.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: By the way, the Goikyan States is celebrating its bicentennial anniversary. To clarify, it is now two hundred years old.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Still younger than Snowball.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yep, and we're arriving a few weeks before the festivities.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Fanny, you are of the colonizing people here, there and everywhere, so yeah, just, um, keep your mouth shut.

[*Lightning pogs.*]

* **Fan****ny**: I hate colonial rule!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: You have no idea. Hey, all, since we're going to Goikyan America, how about we get some souvenirs?
* **T****r****e****e**: I'm sure those "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirts are pretty obvious where they're from. /s
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Our main goal is to prevent Pen's death, at the hands of that cubic murderer. Perhaps after that we can get some mementos, provided that it is an activity, that does not cause death.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Ooh, and while we're there, can we have a look at the people? I'd like to chat up some star-spangled studs.

[*Silence for 2.763 seconds.*]

* **[** **Fan****ny** · **T****r****e****e** **]**: Shut up, Lightning!

### **Contest area**

**Scene**Sundown. Six-way tug-of-war competition. **Two** is watching the contestants from a lifeguard tower that didn't exist before.
* **Two**: Two! Two! Two! One! Go!

[*At once, everyone participating begins to pull on their team's side of the rope formation (with the sounds of miscellaneous cheers and such). Not even one second in, Death P.A.C.T.'s side falls.*]

* **Two**: Because they are not present, Death P.A.C.T. Again lose! Quick contest, everyone.
* **Golf Ball**: Does this mean we can just let go, like this?

[*Golf Ball lets go of her tug-of-war–rope-pulling machine, as do Puffball and TV.*]

* **Two**: Are You Okay, your team is in fifth place!
* **Golf Ball**: *Whaaaaat?!*
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Nobody said you could stop pulling.
* **Puffball**: Omg. TV, let's gossip.
* **T****V**: So who do you think will be eliminated next on Death P.A.C.T. Again?
* **Two**: Did you actually think that DPA are up for elimination?
* **Puffball**: Isn't that how it usually goes?
* **Two**: That is how it usually goes, but not here. In this contest, the winning team will be rewarded more than the losing team will be penalized.
* **Bot****tle**: Which makes the desire to win even stronger!
* **Cloudy**: Can Winner go *super mode* now?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Not yet. We'll save it for when we're the last ones standing.
* **Winner**: Oof, I think I'm done.

[*Winner lets go.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Really?
* **Winner**: This glove is wearing me out.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Oh. Sorry for that. Take five.
* **Winner**: Fifty. Time to rest, huh?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I command you to have fun! /j

[*Exit* **Winner** *into the hotel.*]

* **S****aw**: Don't worry, everyone, you've still got me and Bottle!
* **Bo****ok**: [*on the opposite side*] I wouldn't be so sure of that!
* **G****at****y**: Oh yeah. There's Book.
* **N****a****ily**: Book, use your power!
* **Bo****ok**: Okay! By the power of ***KNOWLEDGE!***

[*Beat.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: I'm almost certain that did nothing.
* **Bo****ok**: Nope, it did something all right. It made me more tired.

[*Book lets go, causing the rope to fall.*]

* **Two**: Just Not, you're in fourth place!
* **N****a****ily**: But the rope fell!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I don't think that's at all how you play many-sided tug of war.
* **Two**: It is now! [*spoken really quickly*] The final three teams—that's The Strongest Team on Earth, Cold Woe Bunch and The S!—are on the same side, so everyone, get as far away from one another as possible before you pull your rope in the same direction.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You heard the number, team. Follow *me!*

[*The other teams spread apart.* **Bottle** *trips.*]

* **Bot****tle**: Uh-oh!

[*Bottle crashes into Gy, thus cracking both of them... and dying.*]

* **E****g****gy**: No! My old bottom half! Gone, perished, pushing up daisies!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Pushing up *what?* Who talks like that?
* **Baske****t****ball**: You could have at least put her out of the way.
* **E****g****gy**: I didn't think Gy could help it! May she recover in peace.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Errrgh, Bottle's dead, too.
* **P****i****n**: Good job, Clock, saying it so she doesn't have to.
* **Co****i****ny**: But Bottle *is* dead.
* **P****i****n**: Oops!
* **S****aw**: And now it's just me up here!
* **G****at****y**: You got this, Saw!
* **Barf** **Bag**: Think sharp thoughts!
* **S****aw**: Okay!

### **On the road (Suburbs)**

**Scene**Still raining. Blocky has slowed down considerably; he is driving close to a "cookie-cutter neighbourhood" and doesn't want to crash into a house again. Eraser and Pen look out the windows in amazement as they can now signs of habitation.
* **P****en**: Cool!
* **Eraser**: There must be hundreds of people living in these things.
* **Blocky**: Aeh.
* **P****en**: Gee, is this really the best place to do a heist and/or killing?
* **Blocky**: Of course. Do it here all the time.
* **P****en**: [*worried*] But...
* **Blocky**: No, I don't spare the butts.

[*Pen makes a small, scared noise.*]

* **Eraser**: He's just joking, you gagootz.
* **Blocky**: Getting close to the house now. Eraser, change the station and I'll tell you when to stop.

[*Eraser turns the knob on the radio until a 1930s-era crooner is heard.*]

* **Blocky**: Perfect. [*deep voice*] Nice and smooth.
* **Eraser**: You actually listen to this stuff, eh? That's like our dad's kind of music.
* **Blocky**: When you're in these areas, you'd better turn it down. Not everyone wants to hear you listen to hard rock. Especially... the fam.
* **P****en**: Which fam? Yours?
* **Blocky**: No, Pen, the Findlays. /s *Ha!* You think you can out-sarcasm me?

### **Contest area**

**Scene**Three teams left. **Saw** is pulling by herself on The S! (since Winner is fatigued), Called Woe Bunch (**Barf Bag**, **Coiny**, **Donut**, **Pin** and somehow **Yellow Face**) still go strong and The Strongest Team on Earth (**Robot Flower** and **Snowball**, barely) are facing them almost head-on.
* **Co****i****ny**: Who are we?
* **Rest of the team**: W.O.A.H. Bunch!
* **Co****i****ny**: When do we want it?
* **Rest of the team**: Now!
* **Co****i****ny**: That works.
* **G****at****y**: Other than the fact that it made absolutely no sense.
* **S****aw**: Yeah!
* **Snowball**: I... give up.

[*Snowball lets go and turns around, disappointed. Everyone's mouths are open, though the team are still pulling the rope through Robot Flower.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Great, the moment we *want* him to be forceful and it's not this!
* **E****g****gy**: Wait, let's think about this! Snowball's been acting like this only since he crawled out of that bush two hours ago, and before that he was just the same homicidal maniac with an undeniable brutality!
* **Baske****t****ball**: And?
* **E****g****gy**: What if we... talk it out with him and ask him what's wrong?
* **Baske****t****ball**: I guess you're right. We have been treating him like an overgrown baby for a while.
* **E****g****gy**: So who's going to make the first move?
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*sigh*] I know you're going to say I should, so I volunteer as tribute before you call it.
* **E****g****gy**: Called it!

[*Jump cut to* **Snowball**, *sitting in the corner with his arms crossed. Enter* **Basketball** *and* **Eggy**.]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Hey, Snowb—
* **Snowball**: Don't talk to me!
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*Aside.*] Well, that was easy.
* **E****g****gy**: Want to watch the rest of the contest?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah!

### **Above the Arctic Sea**

**Scene**Early morning. Death P.A.C.T. Again are flying over frigid waters.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Tree, I'm scared!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I too am feeling fear.

[*Lightning and Remote hold on to Tree.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Why me.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You can be so huggable at times.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*to Lightning and Remote*] Well, don't look down unless you want me smooshed.
* **Fan****ny**: I can't believe we're over water! Black Hole, you told us we were going to take an all-land route.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I apologize, but just for lying to you. I thought most people knew, that in order to travel from continent to continent, one would have to cross a body of water. And this is one of them: the Bering Sea.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: *Bear*-ing Sea, heh. [*sigh*] Just like SB.
* **Fan****ny**: You don't need him!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: But I do!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Guys, we should be approaching land in four... three... two...

[*The western Alaskan landscape suddenly appears under them all.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Zero.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Land, sweet land.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We're doing great. In five minutes, we should be over Goikyan New York (depending on how fast I choose to go).
* **Lig****htni****ng**: This is great now! When you want something done, Black Hole, you do it.
* **T****r****e****e**: More people should have that quality.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That, and a need to prevent death.

### **Outside a house**

**Scene**Blocky stops the car after over two hours.
* **P****en**: Guess we're stopping for gas now.
* **Blocky**: At a *house?* You need to get out more, dude.
* **Eraser**: Whose house is this anyway?
* **Blocky**: The one where we're doing the heisting and killing.

[*Pause.*]

* **Eraser**: You didn't answer my question. *Tell us whose flippin' house is this, and don't give us any excuses, Blockhead!*

[*The front door is about to open. Blocky looks up.*]

* **Blocky**: Shh. Stay here, boys.

[**Blocky** *dashes out of the car, leaving* **Pen** *and* **Eraser** *alone. He hides behind a truck.*]

* **Eraser**: Pen, I'm sorry. Shouldn't have tried to change you into something you're not.
* **P****en**: You know, I remember every single time you wanted me to do something like this, and here we are.
* **Eraser**: Wait, you're not actually going to go through with this... right? Wouldn't that go against your life pact or something?
* **P****en**: It'd get me kicked out, as a matter of fact. Oh, I don't think I'm ready to hurt anyone.
* **Eraser**: And that's a good way to live, bro.
* **P****en**: Y'know, this is one of the worst times to have one of those special talks.
* **Eraser**: How come?

[*Blocky jumps up and goes behind a bush.*]

* **P****en**: Well, in a minute or so, Blocky's going to walk through that door and cause a crime scene.

[*He reveals that he has been keeping a business uniform behind the bush, smiling and pointing at it so Pen and Eraser can see. They give him a thumbs-up.*]

* **Eraser**: The hell's he doing now?

[*He puts on the work uniform and goes up the stairs. When he's up there, he knocks on the door and it opens. On the other end is* **Taco**.]

* **[** **Eraser** · **P****en** **]**: Taco?

[*They kiss before Taco says something (inaudible) to Blocky. He nods and they both go inside.*]

* **P****en**: Mercy, this is terrible.
* **Eraser**: I knew Blocky would slay every foe in his way, but not the one he's meant to love, honour and cherish!

[*The door opens and Blocky gestures for Pen and Eraser to join him. He smiles wide.*]

* **Eraser**: Looks like it's for us.

[*The two get out of the car.*]

### **Contest area**

**Scene**The sun is close to setting now (so, after 7:20 p.m. or so). **Saw** vs. **Robot Flower** vs. all of **Cold Woe Bunch**. All the other contestants are sitting around them, watching attentively.
* **S****aw**: I can do this!
* **N****a****ily**: You got this, fellow carpenter!
* **Cloudy**: How does she even last that long?
* **S****aw**: I don't know! Maybe it's just the power of—
* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, you! Your shoe's untied!
* **S****aw**: Nice try, Coiny, but none of us regularly wear shoes, so that remark doesn't apply to this situ***8***ion!
* **Bo****ok**: She's really selling that *comedienne* persona.
* **S****aw**: Besides, we hardware tools are very much known for our endurance. Why, if I'd done the balance beam contest in episode 1 of BFDI, I think I could last a gr***8*** amount of time!
* **G****at****y**: [*Aside.*] Well, that's daringly confident.
* **E****g****gy**: I've never heard you talk like this. Keep it up, girl!
* **P****i****n**: Don't forget, Saw, of all of us here, I lasted the longest on that balance beam!
* **Golf Ball**: [*Aside, to TV.*] I lasted the shortest of all of us here. Don't tell anyone.
* **S****aw**: Hold on a minute, Pin, you said my name! Hooray!

[*She raises her hands excitedly and drops her part of the rope. Everyone gasps, as the two remaining teams run in opposite directions (so that they are facing one another).*]

* **G****at****y**: Oh gosh, Saw, what was that for?
* **S****aw**: Guess I celebr***8***ed too early, didn't I?
* **Two**: The S! You're in third place!
* **Cloudy**: This is great. Now I can collect a third-place finish for our team!
* **Nic****k****el**: Lucky. We haven't even gotten first place.
* **C****a****ke**: Yet!

### **Above Goikyan New York**

**Scene**Death P.A.C.T. Again are flying over the city.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Welcome to the Big Apple, I hope.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Mint! There's people I can somewhat see! [*calling*] *Hi, Road-a Morgenstern, greetings from Goikyan Ireland!*
* **T****r****e****e**: There could be many thousands of people here, to say nothing of all the houses that look alike. How are we supposed to know which one belongs to Blocky?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote, do you have those coordinates with you?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes. The contestant we are looking for lives at 40-point- [*a bunch of numbers I'm too scared to make up*] north, 72-point- [*ditto*] west.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wow, I think that's accurate to the nearest atom. Fly on, Deathagainners.

### **Contest area**

**Scene****Robot Flower** vs. all of **Cold Woe Bunch**
* **Two**: Oh, look. The sun's about to disappear and we're still down to our final two teams: The Strongest Team on Earth vs. Cold Woe Bunch. Who's going to win?
* **Barf** **Bag**: Shouldn't we be the winners? I mean, it's five against one.
* **Baske****t****ball**: You'd be surprised at how strong our teammate is. She has the might of a thousand suns!
* **Donut**: That sounded really poetic.
* **Baske****t****ball**: I know, right? Anyways, wait until the sun sets completely, because that's when her powers really show.
* **E****g****gy**: Woah, how do you know that?
* **Baske****t****ball**: For the past six years, I've been inspecting Robot Flower.

[*Golf Ball's eyebrows move up.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: And for some reason, her powers work best when it's nighttime, especially when the moon is shining.
* **E****g****gy**: Interesting. Hey, RF, what zodiac sign are you again? I bet it's something lunar.

[*The sun has now completely set.*]

* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: I... don't... ***KNOW!!***

[*Robot Flower pulls the rope with much force and her opponents (Pin, Coiny, Barf Bag, Donut and Yellow Face) fall to the ground.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Oof!

## Post-contest

### **Contest area**

**Scene**Everyone (except Cold Woe Bunch) cheers as The Strongest Team on Earth win.
* **T****V**: You did it, Robot Flower!
* **Baske****t****ball**: What are you feeling right now?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: The sweet, sweet smell of a team victory!
* **E****g****gy**: That's the spirit! Hey, Snowball—

[*Snowball is gone.*]

* **Two**: And Cold Woe Bunch are in second place, and TSTOE [*pronounced "Tis-toe"*] win!
* **N****a****ily**: Good game, BB.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, thanks, Naily!
* **N****a****ily**: What're you talking about? I was speaking to Barf Bag!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Lol!

[*Basketball rolls her eyes, still smiling.*]

* **E****g****gy**: So what's our prize?
* **Two**: Aren't you an eager beaver, Eggy? I'm sure that the one of you that was on the Squashy Grapes might be familiar with it, but you, all of you, your team, The Strongest Team on Earth, the one with only four members alive right now—
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Get on with it!
* **Two**: You win an eliminated player onto your team!

[*Basketball, Eggy and Robot Flower look at one another.*]

* **E****g****gy**: Uh... do we get to choose which player?
* **Two**: No. You do not. But voters, you do. You can vote an eliminated player back into the game. There's...

### **Rejoin auditions**

**Scene**Sequence of eliminated contestants in their rejoining auditions, all standing against a background.
* **Two**: Pie.
* **Pi****e**: Whether I get in or not, it's all relative.
* **Two**: Ice Cube.
* **Ice Cube**: I want revenge!
* **Two**: Bomby.
* **Bom****by**: Ohmygosh, vote for me!
* **Two**: Fries.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: It would be such a noble effort if any of you would even bother to type my name.
* **Two**: We're not doing names.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Letter, I mean letter.
* **Two**: Rocky.

[*Shows a blank screen.*]

* **Two**: Where's Rocky. Needle.
* **Need****le**: Friends, enemies, everyone, I'm not just this fair maiden waiting to be swooped up by her prince. Yes, I know that's an outdated trope in the age of women's lib and all, but I'm more than just that! And based on how the rest of you lot have fared in those challenges, you clearly needy—*need* me.
* **Two**: Tennis Ball.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Why did they put me in here again? I'm so lost... GB, help!
* **Two**: Marker.
* **Ma****r****ker**: *Stem på mig, hvis du kan forstå dette, tak!*
* **Two**: Say something in English.
* **Ma****r****ker**: Something in English!
* **Two**: Never mind. Bell.
* **B****e****ll**: ♫ They told me to say something interesting, so I'm going to sing! ♫
* **Two**: Foldy.
* **F****old****y**: [*sitting in between Stape-O and the Foldy Body Pillow*] Do you have a moment to talk about the Handbook of Gogma? For two hundred vigintillion dollars, you can all experience the glory of—
* **Two**: *Aaaaaand* Pillow.
* **Pill****ow**: Let's all work together and bring Team  to victory! Oh wait, Team No-Name was IDFB.

### **Voting screen**

**Scene**
* **Two**: So that's it! Vote in the comments using the letter in square brackets under who deserves to rejoin the show! Whoever gets the most votes... will rejoin the show.

[*As is typical for act finales, the credits will not roll until the very end of the episode.*]

## Post-voting screen scenes

### **Over That House**

**Scene**Death P.A.C.T. Again are now flying directly over the house that Blocky said he would heist and kill.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Here we are.
* **T****r****e****e**: Are you sure we should be here right now?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: What if we're at some other person's house?
* **Fan****ny**: I hate to be an intruder!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Team, this is, without a doubt, the house we should be in. There's no turning back now.
* **T****r****e****e**: Alright.

[*Black Hole floats down and lets the non-fliers stand outside the front door.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote, thanks for the coordinates, by the way.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It was nothing.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Are you ready?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Should we knock?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: A life is on the line; there's no time to knock.
* **T****r****e****e**: Black Hole, are you really suggesting we should tear the door down?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm not saying we should do that, either. If I tear down this door, then it will no longer be alive, regardless of whether or not it was sentient, to begin with. I say we should knock.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate inconsistency!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Hey, there's a note.

[*Lightning picks up a small note on the mat and reads it.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: "Please help, Blocky's heist + kill ♡ Pen"
* **T****r****e****e**: It's so like him to sign his name with a heart. That's naffer than his entire wardrobe.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hush and hide it, I hear somebody coming.

[*Footsteps. The door opens. On the other end is* **Taco**, *who looks at them surprised.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**, **Fan****ny**, **Lig****htni****ng** and **T****r****e****e**: Taco?!
* **T****a****c****o**: Oh! Hello, everyone! Never expected to see you here! Aren't y'all supposed to be on TPOT?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: We were, but... but...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: If it's alright with you, we'd like to find our friend first.
* **T****a****c****o**: How about I take you all on a house tour? Then you can find your... friend.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Deal.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate touring randos' homes!

### **Inside Blocky and Taco's house**

**Scene**Jump cut to **Taco** showing the members of Death P.A.C.T. Again their house (conspicuously avoiding the living room).
* **T****a****c****o**: So, here's the kitchen, here's the foyer... [*skips over one room on the left side*] and here's the bathroom in case any of you want to make a private phone call.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Interesting.
* **T****a****c****o**: Now, does anyone want to see the basement?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sure thing.
* **T****a****c****o**: Come with me!

[*Taco leads the way downstairs.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: [*Aside.*] This is it.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: If we stumble across a corpse in the next ten seconds, I'm out of here.
* **Fan****ny**: Team effort, you dolt bolt!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Fine.
* **T****a****c****o**: [*halfway down the stairs*] Y'all coming?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes, Taco. We're just amazed to be in a house for once, instead of a cabin.

### **Basement**

**Scene**Almost darkness, with the dim light of a switched-on television as the only light source.
* **T****a****c****o**: Kids, y'all better keep a light on down there! Don't want you to hurt your eyes! [*To Death P.A.C.T. Again*] Y'all know how it is.
* **Fan****ny**: [*Aside.*] Kids?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: *Y'all*?
* **T****r****e****e**: Don't tell me they're going to stay and watch this!

[*Taco turns on the light to reveal four children playing video games, barely looking at the visitors. Of these, the viewer should be familiar with two of them:* **Woody** *from BFB and* **Rocky**, *an eliminated contestant.*]

* **Woody**: But we'we pwaying!
* **T****a****c****o**: Now, boys, I'd like y'all to say hello to four new friends of mine. Black Hole, Lightning, Tree and Fanny, meet our little Brady'd bunch. There's Mario and Ricardo (we call him Ricky)...

[*They wave.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: They have different fathers.
* **Fan****ny**: How is that relevant?
* **T****a****c****o**: And you probably know Woody and Rocky, from the competition.
* **Woody**: Hewwo!
* **Roc****ky**: [*vomiting on the floor*] Bulleh!
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah... hi.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Nice to meet you all.
* **T****a****c****o**: [*Aside.*] We adopted these two some time ago, so we don't love 'em the same.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: So sweet.

[*Fanny ~~elbows~~ knees Lightning.*]

* **Fan****ny**: Mission!
* **T****a****c****o**: Now, boys, we're having a special lunch with our new guests in a few minutes, so come upstairs and help Mama.
* **Woody**: Yay, yeah!
* **T****a****c****o**: Oh, children. Once their dad spoils them with a new video game, you can't take them away so you can play it yourself. I'm already on level 17!
* **Fan****ny**: I hate children!

[*Exeunt* **Taco** *and the kids.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Well, she went full Stepford.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: No, she didn't. Looks like she's graduated with a degree in business administration.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Let me see that.

[*She goes to where Lightning is standing: a shelf with various football trophies and other accomplishments.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wow. Luyten College, class of 1975.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Seriously, you're all just going to pry, through this family's personal things?
* **T****r****e****e**: This so-called "family" is probably a murderous clan of wrong-doers.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Good point. But we shouldn't make it obvious, that we have been looking through these accolades of various sorts. We need to find Pen.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Poor thing, he's probably chained up somewhere.
* **T****r****e****e**: Strange when I'm not the one doing it.

[*Everyone looks at Tree. Suddenly, Taco opens the door to the basement.*]

* **T****a****c****o**: Lunch is ready in a hot few, y'all. Do come upstairs whenever you're ready!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We need to find him soon.

[*She closes the door.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: So... Blocky and Taco. That's not a couple I expected from *The All-New BFB*.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I mean, the person you end up with, doesn't always have to have the same personality as you.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But Blocky? Puh-lease.
* **T****r****e****e**: How much d'ye bet they'll be divorced by next year?

[*Footsteps from upstairs.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Shh. How much do you bet we'll be saying "Pass the ballpoint brain" in a few minutes?

### **Dining room**

**Scene**Blocky and his family are preparing for lunch.
* **T****a****c****o**: So, Blocky darling, you somehow drove to and from another continent within four hours, ignoring things like oceanic boundaries and all that jazz. You haven't been speeding now, have you?
* **Blocky**: Nope, I stayed within all the speed limits. Not. [*He high/low-fives Rocky.*]
* **T****a****c****o**: This is why I'm behind the legal advice *and* management of WFDI, Blockster.
* **Blocky**: Haha, and I'm the face of the company.
* **R****i****c****ard****o**: That's not true, Woody is!
* **Woody**: Wah-wah!
* **Blocky**: Ah, yeah. Sorry there, little fella.

[*Enter* **Black Hole**, **Lightning**, **Fanny**, **Remote** *and* **Tree**.]

* **T****a****c****o**: Oh, our special guests are here!
* **Blocky**: Guests?
* **T****a****c****o**: Why, yes, darling. It seems that I've invited them to join us.
* **Blocky**: The more people who see us do our thing, the better.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*Aside.*] *Our* thing?
* **Fan****ny**: I hate this!
* **Ma****r****i****o**: H- Hi, Mr. Hole, I love your work on TPOT!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh. Thanks there, but please, call me Black Hole.
* **Ma****r****i****o**: Sure thing... Black Hole.
* **T****a****c****o**: Oh, Mario, don't tell me you've been watching TPOT again!
* **Ma****r****i****o**: All the time!
* **R****i****c****ard****o**: I think Woody really likes it.
* **Woody**: Wyeah!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*suspicious*] So to clarify, why can't they watch TPOT?
* **T****a****c****o**: It's not the adult themes or the violence and stuff like that, but these kids seem to know everything that goes on before we do! Sure puts a damper on avoiding spoilers, right, dear?
* **Blocky**: We get really busy with the business and all.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I see. Now, I think we ought to be candid here. The reason we arrived is—
* **T****r****e****e**: *What the flip have you done with Pen?!*

[*Silence.*]

* **Blocky**: Man, are you looking for the tall, capped one?
* **T****r****e****e**: That's why we came here.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Don't tell me you've killed him!
* **Fan****ny**: I hate you!

[*Mario and Ricky laugh.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*to his teammates*] Okay, children. Settle down.
* **T****a****c****o**: And you too, boys.
* **Blocky**: Wait a minute. *Killed* him? You don't think I'd do anything bad to Pen, do you?
* **T****r****e****e**: Well, to be honest, I've never seen you as anything other than a common murderer.

[*Silence, again.*]

* **Blocky**: Oh, ha, ha, you're still living in BFB-land. I'm no murderer no more!

[*Death P.A.C.T. Again look at one another.*]

* **T****a****c****o**: Blockster's right! It may surprise y'all, but he's actually retired from murdering for his Funny Doings, International. He's learned that being away from Four means that recovery is almost impossible these days.
* **Blocky**: Yeah, I haven't killed anyone in months. I mean, there was that floaty guy I thought was going to take one of our kids away, but it was an accident, I swear. [*looks up*] Sorry, Balloony.

[*The door on the left suddenly opens. Enter* **Eraser** *and* **Pen**.]

* **Eraser**: Dudes, this set's got everything. We've *got* to ask TV if he gets channels from this country.
* **P****en**: Yeah, it was so coo—

[*He notices Death P.A.C.T. Again.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: [*getting up*] Pen!
* **P****en**: Tree? Death P.A.C.T.?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: So to clarify, we're actually called Death P.A.C.T. Again.
* **Fan****ny**: [*Aside.*] Now is *not* the time!
* **T****r****e****e**: What are you doing here? I thought you'd ended up dead!
* **P****en**: What about you? How'd you even find me here? Were you following me here?
* **T****r****e****e**: I... [*looks around at everyone*] um... frick.
* **Eraser**: Well, this is awkward.
* **Ma****r****i****o**: I'm out of here.
* **Woody**: Me too!
* **T****a****c****o**: Help yourself to the plates, everyone!

[*Everyone else disperses, except for* **Lightning**.]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Drama.
* **Fan****ny**: [*off-screen*] Get your electrons over here!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Try not to hate-kiss, you two.

[*Exit.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: We need to talk.
* **P****en**: I'll say. Did you really come here just to save me?
* **T****r****e****e**: It wasn't my idea. Black Hole had this feeling that you would die if you came here.
* **P****en**: Honestly, I felt the same way. I didn't know Blocky changed for the better, even when he took us to his house. He seemed like a bully the whole time!
* **T****r****e****e**: Ugh, that's awful. But what did he mean when he said— [*showing him the note he found*] "heist + kill"?
* **P****en**: When Blocky says *heist*, he means we're going to steal a little lunch from the house, y'know, to go. And when he says *kill*, means he's taking Eraser and me and the kids out for a game of catch, see who "kills it the most at pitching". Funny, eh?
* **T****r****e****e**: And the realization that I've made such a grave error will hit me in ten seconds.

[*They laugh.*]

* **P****en**: He's such a riot, I can tell you that.
* **T****r****e****e**: So... what's up with you?
* **P****en**: Meh, not much. At least not after you tried to snap me to death. [*looks down, ashamed*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, about that... Pen, I'm really sorry for hurting you. Like, not just about the snappy thing, but for treating you like chiz in general.
* **P****en**: I didn't notice. Gee, maybe I am a little dense!
* **T****r****e****e**: You think?
* **P****en**: So... we're mates?
* **T****r****e****e**: Always.
* **P****en**: Awesome! Whoo—

[*He almost falls off his chair, but Tree helps him up.*]

* **P****en**: Thanks, bud.

[*Pen gives Tree a little smile.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: God, you're so adorable. Botch-a-me, you big drongo! [*He leans in for a kiss.*]
* **P****en**: Tree, wait. I've got to be honest with you. I don't think I'm all that ready to be in love again... Got to focus on winning the power of Two, y'know?
* **T****r****e****e**: [*disappointed*] Oh. I know.
* **P****en**: But doesn't mean we can't do stuff together, as friends!
* **T****r****e****e**: Mm?
* **P****en**: Tell you what: when we get back to the hotel, I'm going to kick everyone out and we can just spend the night watching *OU* together. Sounds good, eh?
* **T****r****e****e**: You know me so well.

[*They hug.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: I've missed you.
* **P****en**: I know.

### **EXIT**

**Scene**Obligatory EXIT scene: Everyone is watching the current scene on Bracelety's television set.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*recycled line from BFDI 5*] *No!* Mleh!

[*Pencil faints.*]

* **Li****y**: OMSN, overreacting!
* **St****a****py**: It's almost as cute as me and Foldy, Liy.

[*Liy slaps Stapy.*]

### **Dining room**

**Scene****Eraser** pokes his head out of the doorway.
* **Eraser**: Hey guys, can we come out now?
* **P****en**: That depends. Did you bring food?
* **Eraser**: Yeah, we're almost finished.

[*Enter everyone again, eating tacos.*]

* **Eraser**: Well, *I'm* almost finished.

[*He eats the last piece.*]

* **Eraser**: I'm finished.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Eraser eats quickly.

[*Eraser burps.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Nice. /s
* **T****r****e****e**: Are you guys eating tacos?
* **T****a****c****o**: It's ironic, but yeah.
* **R****i****c****ard****o**: Mama says always face your fears.
* **T****a****c****o**: Well, you two look happy.

[*She sees that Pen and Tree are glowing with happiness.*]

* **Eraser**: Everything okay, dude?
* **P****en**: Couldn't be better.
* **Blocky**: How about we all have a real luncheon?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Agreed.
* **T****a****c****o**: Same here. Hey, did you catch the game...

[*Everyone starts chatting happily while Blocky serves everyone more tacos, as the lush instrumental music rises in volume and the credits play. The camera zooms out the window to show that the rain has stopped in front of the house, thus bringing us to...*]

**THE END
of TPOT: ACT II**
## Deleted scenes

**P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, and we also love you.
**Pill****ow**: So true.
**N****a****ily**: You the coin!

* The scene directly after Cake at Stake was going to play out a little differently:

[*Scene: Death P.A.C.T. Again* (**Black Hole**, **Fanny**, **Lightning** *and* **Remote**) *are meeting for a casual get-together without Tree. As is apparently customary these days,* **Pen** *is with them.*]
**P****en**: So he was like "Scat", and I was like "Say, what the heck's wrong with you?" And then he was like—
**Eraser**: Give me that.

* After Bottle confuses the word "specific" for "pacific":

**Winner**: Huh, I could go for some peace right now.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Then join us Deathagainners, and you'll get all the peace you deserve.
**Two**: Black Hole.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Huh?
**Two**: Znarf.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: *Astaghfirullah*, that hurt.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: [*consoling Black Hole, who has never been punished before*] Tough luck getting screeched.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I meant, in my spirits, yeah, it hurt my spirits.

* Black Hole was going to say something about how his knowledge of coordinate-based geography led him to conclude that Blocky lives in the "north-eastern part of the Goikyan United States"... which is true.
* Apple from *Inanimate Insanity* was going to make a guest appearance as the "Big Apple". She would have been thousands of times her normal size and would have advised DPA not to stay out too long. (New York was not very safe in the 1970s.)
* The viewers were originally not going to vote for the eliminated contestant to rejoin the game. It would have been determined by a contest in TPOT 13.
* David was going to sing at the end of this episode. (The EXIT scene was going to be, like, ten times longer.) It was scrapped because the lyrics of his song only consisted of "Aw, seriously?" set to a jaunty tune.
* The scene that introduces us to Taco and Woody would not have been as close to the end as it is currently: She would have explained to Woody that Blocky's bringing some of his mates over, and she prays that they don't get too drunk.
* The university Taco had originally gone to was going to be called **Pamana University** (a reference to the real-life Columbia University and Jnj's original name for Goiky. This was revealed after it was discovered that Columbia University didn't accept women unti 1983 (shameful!).
* Taco and Blocky's other kids, Mario and Ricky, were originally not going to be in the scenes that take place in the house, as they would have been out protesting.
* "A Taco Ev'ry Day", based on an old Finnish folk tune (not Ievan Polkka), was supposed to be the *second* closing song of this episode, sung by Taco and the rest of the cast at Blocky's house. It was scrapped because it added too much to an extremely long episode.
* Some other lines were deleted between publishing and the present:

[*First deletion...*]

**R****e****m****ot****e**: That's not true. You, Black Hole, are the strongest guy I know.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: While that is a flattering remark, thank you, by the way, I'm afraid that if I pull on that rope, I'll swallow it inside myself, and with it all the other contestants.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: This problem did not come to my head.
[*Second deletion...*]

**R****e****m****ot****e**: Fanny will stand behind me so the other teams can hear her giving them moral support.
**Fan****ny**: I'm going to tell them I hate them!
**T****r****e****e**: Good to know. I'll be wearing headphones.
**Fan****ny**: I hate that!
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Lightning and Tree, you will be holding on to the end of the rope.
[*Lightning nods in agreement.*]
**T****r****e****e**: So I'm meant to be in the way back?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: *NO.* If you stand too close to the back, there is a chance that Black Hole (who is the one that will provide us the gravitational support without getting too close) will suck you up and cause your death.