2017 Power Rankings-Week 4

<---Week Three...Week Five --->

## Introduction

Folks, we have some bad teams in the League of Champions.

Patrick suggested in the Draft Day video that a team would go undefeated in 2017. I’m here to tell you that is not going to happen. In fact, if Pain Train goes undefeated in *October* I will have his entire roster tattooed on my chest.

But we might have our first 0-13 team. I won’t name names, but safe to say that if last season was JarJar’s “Empire Strikes Back” this season we are watching his “Phantom Menace.”

Let’s dive into these rankings like JarJar dove into that Gungen lake.

## The Matchup (RIP vs. TSB)

Booooo. RIP got spanked.

Like in Big Daddy when they waste the good surprise on Adam Sandler, RIP’s players wasted their good performances all at once in week two. In week three, RIP’s team looked like a sad shriveled dick fresh out of a dip in the ocean.

But really this came down to poor decision making and a bad break with Michael Crabtree. If RIP had started Minnesota defense (26) instead of Baltimore defense (-5) they would have won handily. Shotti needs to be concerned about Gordon's knee and the Bill's running game, but another 200+ day for the champ has to have everyone thinking the road to Glory still goes through the Bunch.

## Survivor

BAD week in Survivor. Five teams took their first strike. Two picked Miami, one had Baltimore, one had Pittsburgh, and Papa forgot to pick a team. Two strikes and you're out, so everyone is still alive. The mystery competitor, named “Okay Pick Set” is still undefeated. Whoever they are, they are closest to having an early advantage in 2018.

## The Bust Zone

Bust Watch: Total Points for First Round Picks
 Antonio Brown
 DeVonte Freeman
 AJ Green
 Le'Veon Bell
 Jordy Nelson
 DeMarco Murray
 Julio Jones
 Odell Beckham Jr.
 David Johnson

*David* Johnson only has 14.73 more points than *Stevie* Johnson. Bust.

## Stat Notes

* RIP becomes the 2nd team to reach 20,000 combined points. They do so in 95 games.
* Pain Train becomes the 5th team to reach 19,000 combined points.
* PP becomes the 8th team to reach 18,000 combined points.
* P9 becomes the 7th team to reach 40 combined wins.
	+ PP becomes the 8th.
* Sweet Dee becomes the 9th team to reach 40 combines losses.

* GBM becomes the 6th team to reach 40 regular season wins

* MMMS becomes the 7th team to reach 16,000 regular season points agains.
	+ RIP becomes the 8th.

## Rookie Rundown

This is the year of the rookie back. Let's look at how some of these young studs are performing in 2017.

The new OC for Cincy will surely be Mixon things up for the Bengals, which could get Joe more involved in the coming weeks.

## The Rankings

### 1(2). The Shotti Bunch

* Record: 2-1

Todd Gurley is an absolute beast. I wonder just how many teams were planning to take him in the second round. I know of at least two. But Shotti eats runningbacks for breakfast, so we should have seen this coming.

### 2(3). Garoppoblow Me

* Record: 2-1

Almost a year after Matt Ryan’s 70.52 point performance, Tom Brady drops 72.17 on The Duck Punchers. GBM scored almost the exact same total as last week (difference of 0.39) with production out of completely different players. That’s the good news. The bad? Crowell and Crowder look like busts.

### 3(1). RIPDab

* Record: 2-1

Cam Newton? More like Scam Newton. I heard that on the radio this morning but I liked it so I’m using it. For years, RIP has simply refused to start a good QB. Watching to see which scrub RIP will start each week is like refreshing Donald Trump's twitter feed. You know you're going to cringe but you just have to see whats coming next.

### 4(6). Paddock 9

* Record: 2-1

Shit, I hate to say this, but P9 might have to be taken seriously soon. They are 4th in the league in scoring and are primed to slice through the next month of their schedule like a Borg cube through the Federation fleet during the battle of Wolf 359 (shoutout all my Star Trek fans in the audience!).

### 5(7). Pain Train WOO WOO

* Record: 3-0

Pain Train’s first three opponents were a combined 2-7. His next five are a combined 10-5. Sure, they're actually 6th in scoring and 8th in points against, but okay, fine, I’ll give PT some credit. They are the only undefeated team in the league. Granted, the two teams that started 3-0 last season both missed the playoffs. But it’s a great position to be in. Since 7 is an auto-in here at the LOC, PT can now go 4-6 in their next ten games and still guarantee themselves a spot.

### 6(5). The Duck Punchers

* Record: 2-1

After Hunt once again took it to the house from 69 out (nice), it looked like DP was going to coast to a win with Derek Carr on Sunday night. But I think *David* Carr accidentally showed up to the game instead and by the middle of the third quarter QB1 still hadn’t scored positive fantasy points. There is concern for this team on the inevitable days when Hunt isn’t blowing up the scoreboard, but at least they hit a diamond in the rough with Smallwood!

### 7(4). Sweet Dee

* Record: 1-2

Oh, Dee. Poor, poor Sweet Dee. 0-2, going down to two of her arch rivals, ever since the introduction of the Dreamboard.  A year ago Dee completed an 81.29 point comeback on Monday Night Football. This Monday, down yet again, they mustered just 9.4 points. Maybe there is a special clause that if you share the Dreamboard it loses its magical powers? I’m not sure of the science behind Dreamboards.

### 8(8). Papa’s Posse

* Record: 1-2

In week one he lost David Johnson. Last week he lost Rob Kelley. And this week he REALLY lost Darren Sproles (the guy tore his ACL and broke his arm ON THE SAME PLAY). To say he can’t afford to lose another runningback is like saying a quadriplegic can’t afford to lose another limb. But man, give it up for Larry Fitz. He knows how to come through for his longtime owner. If any player is going to keep going until the day he drops dead, it's going to be Larry. And I cannot imagine him on a team other than Papa's Posse.

### 9(9). Ma ma momma said

* Record: 0-3

Momma just cannot get all three backs going at once. The team is underperforming at an inexplicable level. At first I was half-joking, but now I’m full serious. This team is 0-5 lifetime when playing outside the country. I’m genuinely concerned the Fantasy Gods disapprove of international football. If Jared doesn’t move home, ma momma said is...ma momma dead (I just came up with that one on my own no help). The only time Momma has had losing streaks of longer than two games is during seasons in which they finished last. What's their current losing streak...just out of curiosity...

### 10(10). JarJar Stinks!

* Record: 0-3

Don’t blame this on JarJar Binks. Yeah, he may stink, but that’s not the only thing with a foul odor down here in the dredges. Burns is managing this team the same way Captain Edward J. Smith managed the Titanic post-iceberg. Saying his season is like a sinking ship is an insult to sinking ships. So far JarJar has been outscored by every team every week. And no, I don’t just mean he has had the lowest score each week. I mean he would be 0-27 if he faced every team every week. You have to wonder why they would turn down a TE for RB trade with GBM last week when they have three TEs and for the third week in a row started a back who scored less than 3 points.

## Matchups

We have an insane slate of games this week, with nine teams projected over 200, five projected over 230, and one matchup that is projected to score almost 500 points.

### The Undercards

#### Paddock 9 (211.11) vs. Papa’s Posse (199.60)

Evenly matched game with two historically middle-of-the-pack teams that do not see each other very often. They have played eight times in six years and have never met in the playoffs. P9 owns the series 5-3. This is the only matchup in week four in which both teams are coming off of a win.

#### The Shotti Bunch (243.43) vs. Sweet Dee (241.47)

This doesn’t seem like a flashy matchup, but the projections are through the roof. Sweet Dee can ill afford to go 1-3 as their league image has already taken a big hit. What better way to get back in the conversation than by beating the defending champ? Shotti is 4-1 against Dee. She does get Snead back but if 9 out of 11 starters underperform like they did in week 3, Dee’s playoff hopes will be nothing more than a daydream.

#### Garoppoblow Me (238.39) vs. RIPDab (215.50)

No two teams have more history than RIPDab and GBM. They have played in the regular season ten times, where GBM owns the edge 7-3, and thrice in the playoffs, where RIP is 2-1. The latter includes back to back Salty Dolphin Bowl showdowns. They will meet twice in 2017, making it 15 meetings in seven seasons. The Packers/Bears of the LOC might very well come down to the actual Packers and Bears on Thursday night, when Jordy faces off against Ty Montgomery. And....

Wait a minute....

BAH GAWD, THAT'S ELI MANNING'S MUSIC!!!

#### Pain Train WOO WOO (237.74) vs. The Duck Punchers (219.28)

Pain Train is looking to become just the second 4-0 team of the 10-team era and the first since RIPDab in 2013. DP, meanwhile, will hope to add to their 5-3 series edge. PT is the last undefeated in the league, but if they faced every team every week they would be 14-13. Compare that to sixth place The Duck Punchers, who would be 17-10 by that same metric. PT has a huge projection this week. If they can hit it, they can hit win four.

### The Main Event

#### ma ma momma said (231.42) vs. JarJar Stinks! (206.46)

* 2017 Wins
	+ Combined: 0-6
* Head-to-Head Record
	+ 1-1
* Players to Watch (JarJar Stinks!)
	+ Ebron, Doyle, Bennett - How do you have three TEs and not one of them is top-15 in scoring? Ugh, okay. So who do you start? Literally all three of them had great week two’s, then in week 1 and 3 they combined...yes, COMBINED, for 28.20. Kareem Hunt scored 28.20 while I crunched those numbers.
	+ Eddie Lacy - Projected for 0.12 points this week and I think he really has the potential to break out and maybe get as much as a single point.
	+ Matt Bryant - Why not? He’s scored more than all of JarJar’s TEs, every WR except Alshon Jeffrey, and every RB except Demarco Murray. He’s basically team MVP and probably the only keeper option for JJS in 2018.
* Players to Watch (MMMS)
	+ Jay Ajayi - A Jay scare on Sunday when he was temporarily knocked out of the game. Is he playing through pain, or did he just suck? Will he show against NO?
	+ Joe Mixon - Looks like the rookie is getting the nod after being benched by MMMS the last two weeks.
	+ Terrelle Pryor - Has anyone been a bigger disappointment this season? TP is NOT a WR2, but that’s all MMMS has got. Pryor needs to take a hint from Hilton and step it the fuck up.

Head-to-Head: JarJar Stinks! vs. ma ma momma said
 09/12/16

This is the best matchup of the week simply because it is the worst matchup of the week. For the third week in a row we have two winless teams going head-to-head. Two winless teams have never played each other this late in the season.

The loser will become just the fourth team to start 0-4. No 0-4 team has ever made playoffs, making this pretty much an elimination game.