The Kuipter Files: Finale

The content of this page is relevant to the Alpha-Archaic Timeline.

*See also: The Kuipter Files*

## Scene 1- The Short ~~Chapter~~ Road to the Top

Revelian walks to the front gate of Universe City.

Revelian: Hmph. Fancy place we got here. So where am I supposed to go?

\*Random Guard points to elevator\*

Revelian: I see.

He gets into the elevator and slices the guard's head off for good measure.

## Scene 2- IT'S A TRAP!

Revelian walks out of elevator after it reaches its destination. Zachary is inside, trapped in an energy cage. A tall, menacing figure stands in front of another cage, that contains Veyron, Misery, and a few other pets he doesn't recognize.

Zachary: Revelian! Get out of here! It's a-

The tall figure turns around and eyes Revelian, beginning to laugh.

Kuipter: Well, the rat has finally scurried onto the trap... Gahahahaha!

Meanwhile, outside the capital...

Jast: I'm outside this silo building thingy... 'zis the capital?

He walks in and gets in elevator. After a lengthy ride featuring terrible elevator-metal music (which he quite enjoyed anyway), he exits at the top floor and sees Revelian about to fight Kuipter.

Jast: Jegus Chrysler! What the figglehorn- GAH!

He gets grabbed by an unseen force and thrown into a cage next to Zachary.

Kuipter: Gahahahaha! At last, the three stooges on stage together! Now, it's time to eliminate the one salvation to your pathetic resistance!

## Scene 3- Clash of Power

BOSS FIGHT!

Kuipter: Come now, traitor. It's time for you to pay for all you've done!

Revelian: Can it, maniac! I'm not paying for anything!

He pulls out his Muramasa and gets into a proper fighting stance.

Kuipter: Gahahaha! Silly boy, did our mother teach you nothing? Never bring a knife... TO A GUNFIGHT! GAHAHAHAHA!!

Suddenly, Kuipter's arm began morphing into a gigantic cannon!

Revelian: Oh, fuck!

He dashed around and avoided most of Kuipter's hits, and then followed up with three slashes straight to his aggressor. His now-enraged opponent smashed Revelian's face in with his arm-cannon, splinting his goggles and making him lose balance. He then fired several reflecting shots about the area, leaving the bullets to bounce everywhere and making dodging nigh-impossible for the dazed hero.

But meanwhile...

Jast: Augh, jeezbuckets! I don't have my anchors, I don't have any pets, I don't have a frigging phone, and-

ZAP! A bolt of light ricocheted off the cage and towards Jast's headwings, burning off a big portion of it.

Jast: ... Yep. No magic, and now no hair.

A shady figure began making a rasping noise nearby.

Jast: Erm, someone need a tissue?

The small figure continues its gravely sounds.

Jast: Hoo boy. I'm not liking this in the slightest...

Kole revealed himself from the shadows!

Kole: \*Disorienting noises\*

Jast: OH DEAR JEEPERS GET THIS THING OUT OF MY EVERYWHERE OH WHAT IS THAT MAKE IT GO AWAY-

As if having his wish granted, Jast was spared from the creature... as he dropped many stories below from where he was standing.

## Scene 4- A Secret Message

Zachary is seen talking to someone on a communicator device. He is interrupted as a blast comes out of nowhere and the device explodes.

Zachary: Hey now! That phone's worth more than most of my suits! Y-

Looking down, Zachary sees his doppelganger below him with a raygun.

Xavier: You didn't think you could get away with that, did you?

Zachary: Too late, sucker. I already called them.

Xavier: And you think that your baby mutt is smart enough to understand your message?! HAH!

Zachary:  \*Cooldown\* So, what, I'm stuck with you until you get your behind served back to you on a silver platter?

Xavier: There's no reason we have to be bored! Hahahahaha!

Zachary: I'm guessing you're not gonna bring out the Game of Life, huh? Jegus-Hank-damn, how do I get into these messes?

Xavier: You founded an expensive corporation, own a multi-million dollar business on your own universe that you pretty much own, most of your friends are lunatics, and you were unlucky enough to meet Revelian.

Zachary: ... Dammit.

Xavier: No need to be sour, now. Let's have some fun while we wait for your "reinforcements" to arrive!

He presses a button on a control panel and the two descend down through a hole in the floor.

## Scene 5- The ~~Creative Title~~ Hole in the Floor

Zachary: Where the heck are we, the peanut gallery?

Xavier: Ah, just the trap door room, but that's not what we'll be using it for. \*Chuckles\*

Zachary: Well, as much as I enjoy your hospitality, I think that I'll just- THINK FAST!

He dashed to Xavier's left in an attempt to swipe him with his heirloom sword, but his rival effortlessly dodged the move.

Zachary: ... Uh, you thought fast. Similar minds?

Xavier: Anything you can do, I can do better! Hahaha!

Zachary: Yeah? Try this!

He grabbed Xavier by the leg and threw him into the ceiling, bending his wings in awkward poses.

Jast: \*Cage shakes\* FFFFFFFIZZLE!! What the helc?!

Zachary repeatedly threw his adversary into the ceiling at least seven ~~billion~~ more times.

Jast: ... Maybe I can use this.

Jast began jumping up and down in the cage. The chain the cage was hung from started creaking and shaking violently, aided with the rhythm of Xavier's cranium having severe makeout sessions with the ceiling.

Xavier: ENOUGH!!

Still very much dizzy, he attempted to boost down and lunge at Zachary. His lack of aim and the suddenness of the attack caused the both of them to tumble through the east wall.

Xavier: Now I have you exactly where I want you, swine!

He lifted his thorned blade up for a final slice...

KASMAAAASH! Just then, Jast fell in and broke free from his cage, which landed inches away from Xavier!

Jast: Oh, hey. It's a poser.

He whacked Xavier away, leaving a large cut in his left leg. He began howling in pain and attempted to limp away, but fell over.

Xavier: ARGH!! YOU PATHETIC CREATURES! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEADS! ALL OF THEM!

Jast: Pipe down, Snorlock. Go find a nightclub or something.

Zachary: Ugh, thanks. How did you get out?

Jast: The ground started shaking and I jumped about in my cage until it fell.

Xavier: THAT WAS MY FACE AND BODY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Jast: Yeah, yeah, you're welcome.

Xavier: GAAAAAAAAAAH!! YOU WRETCHED BEINGS!

Zachary then clobbered his doppelganger with the hilt of his blade. The two went on to help their friend-in-need, though the door was suddenly locked by Kole!

Kole: \*Disturbingly loud noises\*

Jast: ... Shmit.

## Scene 6- Reinforcements Have Arrived

Beezis: Well, here we are, just like Zachary said.

Ergoth: Now what?

Beezis: We're supposed to go to the capital.

Blasty: You mean that tall building there?

Bombar: Probably. Let's go!

All of Zachary's non-water-based pets departed for the castle. All of them stuffed themselves into the elevators. While stopping at a floor, a random guard saw the door open and just stared into it, not saying a word. The elevator continued until... it stopped between floors.

Ergoth: RRRRAAAAEEEEGGGG!!!! \*Starts pounding buttons on the elevator.\*

The elevator began malfunctioning and the lights went out.

Everyone: ERGOTH!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

﻿Kuipter: Hmm...? I sensed another RYU presence... in the elevator? Perhaps- Sorry, were you trying to attack me still?

Revelian: \*Panting\* SHUT THE FUCK UP!! \*Dashes forward again\*

## Scene 7- Something Different

Jast: Bah, screw this! How are we supposed to get out?

Zachary: I don't know! Do you think we should try to find another way out?

Jast: Naw, maybe we should find another way in- of course we need another way out!

Zachary: You're not really helping me here!

Jast: THERE'S THE HARBINGER OF ARMAGEDDON IN THE FORM OF A CREEPY STUFFED ANIMAL THAT'S GROWLING AT ME AND TRYING REALLY HARD TO BE THE SCULPTURE'S BIGGEST FANBOY!! DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CAN FREAKING HELP YOU?!

As the two continued bickering anxiously, a rumbling noise started shaking the complex!

Zachary: What the heck was that?

Jast: GFFDVHTGHRGDH LIKE I HAVE ANY IDEA!

The rumbling began getting so gratuitous that the word "frigging" was used to describe it in the original draft of the story!!

Jast: OKAY. SO IT'S NOT AN ELEVATOR.

Zachary: Alright, really!  out! I found a hatch in the floor over here!

Jast: You don't have to yell, dude.

Zachary: \*Facepalm\*

The two peered down the hatch, leading them to a long and rectangular tube sloping downwards. A dim, red light was visible near the end.

Jast: Uh, CEOs first?

Zachary pushed Jast down and jumped in after him.

Meanwhile, at the actual interesting battle...

Revelian was battered and almost completely out of breath. Kuipter had his share of battle wounds as well, but he seemed to have retained all his stamina.

Kuipter: Come on, now, that's all you got?

Revelian: ... Hell no. \*Gets up\*

Kuipter: Gahahaha! Valiant work, Revvy. I bet your friends are too busy fighting a stuffed animal and stomping their own shadows to aid you... prioritizing is everything in the white collar business, so I've been told?

Revelian: They'll be here... You've got bigger problems right now.

Kuipter: Problems, problems. I see none. Another go, then?

Kuipter raises his arm-cannon once more at the battered hero...

## Scene 8- Nightmare

Kole: \*Mind-meltingly loud noises\*

Zachary: What the hell is that thing?!

Jast: Like I would know! All I get is that it doesn't do anything if you look at it!

Kole: \*Pretty much the noises that your nightmares have nightmares about\*

Zachary: I... can't... hold it!

Jast: BLINK AND YOU'RE DEAD. BLINK AND THE ANGELS COME AND GET YOU!

Kole: \*It makes inanimate objects want to quit their day jobs\*

Zachary: My eyes are burning!!

Jast: MY EYES WENT BACK IN TIME TO INVENT THE WORD "BURNING"!! WHERE'S BEN STEIN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?!

Kole: ... L.

Jast: ... L?

Kole: LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLost. \*Cheesy explosion\*

Ben Stein: Nuclear eyes for dry eyes. Woooow. \*Disappearifies\*

Zachary: ... What?! Can I blink now- OH YES THAT FEELS GOOD.

Jast: We beat a murderous stuffed koala in a staring contest and it blew up. I love it. Can you not?

Zachary: Whatever! No time for questions! We need to get to the roof pronto!

Just then, an elevator smashed through the ceiling, landing square on top of an unfortunate guard who happened to be on his lunch break.

Zachary: You guys! You're here!

Jast: Dokey-okey, two of the RYUs showed up. There's just one more we need for Revvio to go all KAISER up in Kuipter's grillsnatch.

Zachary: You've could of worded that in a way that makes a bit more sense.

Jast: Ah, where's the fun in making sense? To the roof!

Ergoth: Allow me. \*Goes RYU and smashes the roof open\*

Blasty: Get on, I'll take you up top!

The whole gang rose back up to the top floor, where Revelian was severely beaten.

## Scene 9- End of Kuipter

Kuipter: GAHAHAHAHA!! Silly boy, is that all the playtime you can take?

He walked over to Revelian and plucked him up by his head. His body was limp and incredibly weakened.

Kuipter: I will end you and this futile resistance. I will destroy every one of those filthy creatures you catch and create and breed and I will paint your streets with their blood. I will knock over your buildings one by one, and I will take this planet and finish the job you never could. And I will have you *watch* me do it.

Revelian used the last of his strength to spit in Kuipter's face. He merely laughed.

Kuipter: Who should go first, dear boy? Would you have me bring the dinosaur to extinction or send the angel back to heaven?

At that moment, Ergoth flew in and smashed Kuipter against the pet cage, shattering it and releasing Veyron, Misery, and the other pets!

Veyron: Ah, freedom!

Misery: Beezis!!

Kuipter: NO!! THE RYUS!!

Zachary: Veyron?! You're a RYU?!

Veyron: Indeed. I am the RYU of Unity! I avoided my dark destiny when I ran off from his labs!

Zachary: You're another of Kuipter's projects, too?!

Veyron: Correct. And since we have three of us here together...

Emotion: UDVENTED! \*Powers up\*

Ergoth: CHI! \*Powers up\*

Veyron: ARVOUS! \*Powers up\*

The other pets: MIKU! IR! RYOTA! DEAMUST! \*All power up\*

Revelian: \*Rises up as Dakudoragonkaiza\*

Revelian rose up with his KAISER-infused powers! He thrust forward and impaled Kuipter with his blade.

Kuipter: GAAAH!! \*Collapses\* Congratulations... You've won... Ghahahaha... does it feel good?

Kuipter stands up, his knees wobbly.

Kuipter: Does it feel good to betray your own people? Your own family?! You may have won the fight but the war is still raging. And you can't possibly win, whether your world falls or you turn on your own... Gehahahaha!! GAHAHAHAHAHA-

Suddenly, he is blasted with a bolt of energy and collapses!

Revelian: What the Hell?!

???: AHAHAHAHA!! EHEHEHE!!

Jast: That laugh... Shenanigans!

Shenanigans: Surprise! AHAHAHAHA!! EHEHEHE!!

Zachary: What are you doing here?!

Shenny: I just came to mop up... and complete my perfect little plan!

Beezis: Your what?

Shenny: It was simple, but so perfect! Ehehehe! Wait for you to dispose of that sideshow Kuipter, then absorb him and the Planetary Unit to make me the ringleader! Of course, you'd make me a lot stronger too, Revelian... EHEHEHE!!

Revelian: You bastard! You knew we would beat Kuipter!

Shenny: I never doubted you once... And now, to end this pathetic world! Here comes the final act!! AHAHAHAHA!! EHEHEHE!!

## Scene 10- The Final Show

The Planetary Unit appeared around Shenanigans and orbited him, as he himself became a sort of black hole. The Planetary Unit was absorbed, along with the unmoving corpse of Kuipter. It attempts to absorb Revelian as well...

Revelian: Shit!! You guys gotta get out of here! \*Grunts\*

Ergoth: NO WAY! You might be a crazy S.O.B, but this is too crazy! You need to come with us!

Revelian: I said GET OUT!!

He warped the gang away, using much of his power.

Shenny: Oh, what a pity. No audience to watch the monkeys? No matter! The show must go on! EHEHEHE!!

Revelian plunges his sword into the ground for better traction, but it gets absorbed instead of him.

Shenny: Ehehehe... If I can't take you, then your sword might at least provide enough power... EHEHEHE!! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Shenanigans turned into white being, which caused many buildings to explode around him, including the one he was on. He then teleports away.

Revelian: Shit! I gotta get upstairs!! Wait- upstairs?!

A set of stairs appeared in front of him. He began floating up them, avoiding debris and the explosions.

Revelian soon arrives at the top.

Revelian: A giant platform in space... ?

Shenny: Exactly... It will also serve as your graveyard...

Revelian: Shut up! Where are you?!

Suddenly, a giant robot form flies up from behind him!

Shenny: Right behind you... EHEHEHE!!

Revelian turned slowly around to see a giant robot. Its right arm had Kuipter's head for a shoulder, and his arm-cannon, though much bigger. The left arm had Revelian's head, with a giant sword. The real "head" was Shenny's, only super-enlarged. Giant, spiky wings jutted out of the back, though Shenanigans' flight was sustained with a jetpack.

Shenny: Amazed? Quite showstopping, wouldn't you say? I absorbed Kuipter, the Universal Unit, and your sword... I have the ULTIMATE POWER!! And with this power, it's curtains for this planet... And soon, the universe and beyond! EHEHEHEH!!

Revelian: Not if I have anything to say about it!!

### BOSS FIGHT: Shenanigans

Shenny's arm-cannon rose up and aimed at Revelian. A barrage of giant blasts come out of it. Revelian levitated about frantically to dodge them. He then leaped onto the cannon and sliced at Shenanigans' face. He retaliated by releasing a spark that shook him off.

Shenny: AHAHAHAHA!! EHEHEHE!! WEAKLING!! Do you feel it?! The ultimate power!! Even stronger then you!! EHEHEHE!! Kneel down before my power!!

Revelian: Errgh... I won't let you... destroy the world!

Shenny fired a single blast, knocking Revelian on his back!

Revelian: GAAGH!!

Shenny: GAHAHAHAHAHA!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Revelian: Fucking hell... He absorbed the Muramasa... I had to use a lot of my power to spawn another... Errgh... Am I really done for?!

Out of nowhere, a red-wearing figure landed on Shenny's head. It grabbed something and starts to pull.

Shenny: \*Turns to the figure\* What do you think YOU'RE doing?! Let go!!

He fired a beam at the being, who laughed wildly as it jumped out of the way, holding a large, orange core. It landed next to Revelian.

Revelian: Wait a minute... You, you're that troll girl... Ellona?! What the hell are you doing here?!

Ellona: This idiot doesn't know how things are supposed to be... He thinks he has the blessing of Chaos, but he doesn't know shit about the balance that comes with order and disorder... As long as I still believe in Chaos, I won't let him run around like this.

She then handed Revelian the orange core she had taken.

Ellona: This is the power core from the Dark Matter head... If you absorb it, you might get some of your power back... And then you might just stand a chance against this guy!

Revelian takes the core.

Revelian: Thanks, I guess. Now, you'd better get out of here. Things are gonna get pretty intense.

Shenny: ENOUGH OF THIS!!

He then fired a blast at the two of them. Revelian was able to dodge, but Ellona got hit by it. It threw her backwards to the edge of the building.

Ellona: ... Shit.

Ellona then fell backwards off the building.

Revelian: Ellona!!

He ran over to where she's stumbled to and saw her in freefall down towards Ludus. Revelian absorbed the power core and regained his strength, growling angrily.

Revelian: SHENANIGANS!!

He entered KAISER mode and began glowing a brilliant golden hue!

Revelian: ITS ABOUT FUCKING TIME WE TURNED THE TABLES ON THIS MATCH, DON'T YOU THINK?!

Shenanigans frowned fearfully. Revelian shot a golden lightning bolt on him, and proceeded to slash the gargantuan numerous times while avoiding all attempts to swat him away. He finished wish firing a golden laser that tore Shenanigans apart.

Shenny: **WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!** WHY COULDN'T I ABSORB THAT?!

Revelian: Easy, there's only one true KAISER. ME!!

He spawned another supercharged Muramasa and impaled Shenanigan's head! He begins to explode and scream in terror!!

Shenny: GYAAAAAAAAH!!!!- \*Explodes\*

## Chapter 11- The After Math

Zachary: (Talking through a radio) send in all rescue mechs right away! There's been a giant explosion from the top of the capital building at U. C., and debris is raining all over the city! A single chair could turn into a freaking meteor from the velocity gained!

Jast: (From a helicopter) ... Hey, who's that falling?

A closer inspection revealed it to be Ellona.

Jast: ... Hmm. It's her... to live or not? Tempting, tempting.

He used a bit of wind magic to allow his wings to carry flight capabilities. He then carried her into the helicopter.

Jast: I hope you're not expecting breakfast in bed or anything after this. I haven't forgotten anything.

Back on the ground...

Zachary: Hey... I see something... It's Revelian! He's falling!!

Revelian falls from the sky, but as it seems he's about to crash next to Zachary, he merely gains his balance and floats.

Revelian: Ugh, that was a bunch of crap. Where's that rescue unit at?!

Zachary: On the way. So it's finally over?

Revelian: Yup.

A week later, in a debriefing room...

Jast: Okay, guys. We've done it! Kuipter's dead, Shenny's dead, and the war against Kuipter is over! Also, we found the Universal Unit on the ground a few knacks away from the capital. They aren't dead, but they're still in the hospital. Well, this pretty much ends the Resistance! ... Sucks that I needed to put all that effort into it and it's done now, but ah well. Alright, guys. Now back to life as usual...

Those at the meeting all cheered loudly, except for Poisonshot, who was asleep on the table.

Yet a few months later, on a desolate mountain...

Revelian: Hmm. So this is that house that they were talking about...

He finds a decrepit, blue body on the ground.

Revelian: Hmm... Is it really him...? Hmm... Heheheh...