Stone 70

**Chapter 70**

Only two chapters left, and if you thought it's been stupid so far . . . well, you're right. It has. But Terry Goodkind has saved one last wad of stupid for the very end. Hold on to something.

Richard is sitting in Kahlan's Awesome Chair of Awesomeness and thinking of killing himself (DO IT!). For no particular reason, he remembers Sandy saying that Kahlan had told her about Richard, and this prompts him to go ask Sandy if Kahlan left him any messages.

>
>
> *Dear Richard,*
>
>

> *How are you? I am fine. Found some people who slaughtered my old hometown, but then I found some other people who were nice enough to kill them all for me. Finally remembered the save-the-world quest (Chandalen is**so**pushy!) and made it to Aydindril. Almost got raped. Finally found Zedd. Whoops, got to go; Zedd's taking me out to be decapitated now.*
>
>

> *Hugs and kisses,*
>
>

> *Kahlan*
>
>

*Richard talks to Sandy, who gives him a brief account of Kahlan's kangaroo trial, escape, and recapture. She confirms that Zedd was the one who turned her in and supervised her execution, and that her body was cremated. For some odd reason this gives Richard* “a spark of hope.”

Sandy shows Richard Kahlan's tombstone, then leaves. Richard reads the words on said tombstone: *KAHLAN AMNELL, MOTHER CONFESSOR. SHE IS NOT HERE, BUT IN THE HEARTS OF THOSE WHO LOVE HER.*

This is the inscription on the tombstone of a **convicted traitor?** \~/

Richard interprets this to mean that Kahlan is not dead. This causes him to drop to his knees and start praying to the good spirits, begging them to let him know if she is alive. Consistent characterization? What's that?

Suddenly, *“a glowing spirit towered over him.”* This causes Richard to go *“rigid.”* Um . . . yeah.

We cut back to Kahlan, who is sobbing and praying to the spirits . . . the same spirits she has repudiated time and again. She begs the spirits to let her know if she will ever see Richard again.

A *“glowing spirit”*appears, *“towering over”* Kahlan, and it proves to be Denna the Sympathetic Torturer. Kahlan is surprised, but Denna explains that her heroic action of taking Richard's hell-mark repulsed Satan, who chose to torment her by . . . not tormenting her at all. Instead, he sent her *“to be with what you think of as the good spirits.”*

Does that make ANY sense at all? \~/\~/

Denna says that, because Richard and Kahlan are just so awesome, they're going to get rewarded. Furthermore, *“Because you each possess both sides of the magic, and are linked to me by deeds, before I pass beyond the veil I am empowered to bring you together, for a brief time, in a place between the worlds.”*

1. Long run-on sentence is long.
2. What deeds has Kahlan done to link her with Denna? That happy nonsense in Mudtropolis when Richard summoned Rahl?
3. Hasn't Denna already passed beyond the veil? Twice, in fact? \~/
4. Empowered? By who? The “good spirits”? God? Satan? Bozo the Clown? \~/
5. What the hell kind of stupid reward is this?

Suddenly, Richard and Kahlan are together in a place that isn't described . . . moreso than usual, I mean. They exchange I'm-sorry-I-hurt-you, no-you-were-right-all-along chatter, and then Richard uses his Random Bullshit Sue Instinct Magic (which, if you recall, he can only channel through **pure rage**) and grows Kahlan's hair for her.

What. \~/\~/

Kahlan is amazed, and says that she doesn't like his beard. Yes, just as smoothly and naturally as that. Richard once again invokes his Random Bullshit Sue Instinct Magic in order to magically shave. It's specifically noted that he's drawing power from *“the calm center.”*

*deep breath*

RICHARD CAN ONLY ACCESS HIS STUPID MAGIC THROUGH **INSTINCT AND RAGE!** THIS WAS A **MAJOR FREAKING PLOT POINT!** RAGE AND CALM ARE **OPPOSITES!** IT WAS SPECIFICALLY NOTED THAT RICHARD IS **DECADES** AWAY FROM BEING ABLE TO CALL UP HIS MAGIC ON A WHIM!!!!

\~/\~/\~/\~/

So Richard explains that he has Minus Magic, which is Awsum and Speshul and not at all horrible. Kahlan starts to angst about how he's with the Nuns and she will never see him again, and he says he's not. Our heroes protagonists exchange stories, covering almost 500 pages of this book, all of which is summed up in one sentence. Huh.

I find myself wondering how long this Magic Spirit Visit is supposed to last.

Anyway, Richard and Kahlan start with the kissing and nipple-sucking (no, really), \~/ and we fade out on the beginnings of a sex scene. Well, thank Lovecraft for small favors . . .

. . .

Wait.

WAIT JUST A DANG MINUTE.

This means that the good spirits (presumably) empowered Denna to bring Richard and Kahlan together as a one-time-only super-special reward for saving the world (well, for Richard saving the world) . . . so they could boink? This was all a spirit-magic **booty call****??**

Yes. Yes it was. A spirit-magic booty call.

\~/\~/\~/\~/\~/\~/\~/\~/

Drinks: 20

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>