182: The Number One Unspoken Rule of Pork Fried Dice

## Summary

The party try to discover if the lizardfolk guards will turn against Chilchirah, and those that reveal themselves to be loyalists are killed. They learn from the remaining rebels that there are prisoners being held in the lair who may also join their cause: a halfling and a render-gone-wrong called Kek. Having made their way to the prison cells, they recruit more lizardfolk guards and their captain Bilaroth.

## Synopsis

Preparing to implement their plan and pretend they've captured Mo, the group decide to make celebratory noises to hide the fact they can't speak draconic. Passing into the guard room (see "19" on the map below), they find it pretty bare, with just a wooden bench set against the right most wall. There's four lizardfolk standing on guard, one of which looks to be a bit more well appointed - they're carrying a large ornate shield - so maybe they're higher in rank. The shield captain asks what they're doing and Batthwack (as the only draconic speaker, though Will can understand thanks to his *Comprehend Languages* spell) explains they're escorting a prisoner. Brom and the others dance around excitedly while Captain Clockface chooses to follow Batthwack's lead and remains more stoic.

The guards recognise Mo and say *"Oh, this one again. What he do now?"* Batthwack says it's murder. Will translates what's being said and communicates it to everyone with *Message*. The captain says Mo is often causing trouble, thieving, disturbing the peace, mocking Chilchirah. He's suspicious as to why they've come from the direction of the secret tunnels. Batthwack explains they pursued Mo down there. The captain suggests to Dew and Raphina that he and Batthwack escort Mo to the cells and Dew pretends to have a fit of uncontrollable coughing to cover the fact that he can't reply in draconic and gets slapped on the back heavily and repeatedly by one of the guards. Mo laughs at the idea that only two of them can control him, giving the others the signal that he likes those odds. Batthwack tells the others to wait here for them and the three of them leave. As they go, the captain tells the other three guards to make sure no-one leaves.

The 3 remaining guards block the exit in a line, their swords drawn. One of the guards asks Dew, who's now stopped coughing, if he's alright. He indicates he is, but that he still can't talk. Will continues to translate and relay everything to the others. There's a good deal of awkward silence. The guard says he's never seen them before. Raphina (disguised as a lizardfolk child) jumps down and starts mucking about as a distraction, bouncing all over the room. One of the guards kicks her and Raphina bites him. Dew piles it to defend his lizardfolk "son", going to shove the guard and they lock in a pushing match.

Meanwhile, as Batthwack and Mo are led up the hallway to the right, Batthwack tries to probe the captain to see if he's unhappy with Chilchirah. However, he seems to be one of their leader's loyal followers and doesn't take kindly to Batthwack's line of questioning, drawing his sword. Batthwack *Commands* the captain to kneel, which he is forced to obey, and tells him to drop his sword, but he spits in Batthwack's face. Suddenly Mo jumps him and attacks, stabbing him with his jagged knife. They fight and Mo bites out the captain's throat, killing him. Even when the captain is clearly dead, Mo continues stabbing him ferociously.

Back in the guard room, Dew and the lizardfolk's wrestling continues. Brom and Captain Clockface hang back, unable to do much. Will tries to break it up, thinking he'll speak some faltering common in the style of Mo, but in the heat of the moment just ends up making nonsensical lizardfolk sounds and by way of recovery, turns it into a kind of song. Raphina joins in, somersaulting around the room. The guard stops fighting Dew and all three are looking at them, totally stupefied by this behaviour. One of the guards says *"What's wrong with them?"*

Will *Messages* Dew and they discuss whether they can turn the guards against Chilchirah. Will speaks common, but in a lizardfolk voice, saying he's practicing, and asks the guards if they speak it. One of them says he does, a little. Dew joins in as well in his low half-orc voice. To practice, they discuss which prisoner Mo might be locked up with and the guard mentions some bad hatchlings, a halfling prisoner and a soldier called Lornath.

Batthwack and Mo discuss if the guards might join their rebellion. Mo says the higher up lizardfolk are more likely to be loyal. They decide to take the captain's body back to the guard room and see how the guards react. Once there, they dump the body on the ground and Batthwack says *"Let's talk about Chilchirah."* They begin to argue about whether Chilchirah is good or bad. The middle guard seems to be a strong supporter of their leader and is angry about these dissenting voices.

   Batthwack *Commands* the faithful guard to kneel. He resists but just as he's threatening Batthwack with punishment, he is suddenly attacked by the other two guards. Will *Eldritch Blasts* the guard, charcoal micro-glitter moves like a liquid almost invisibly along the ground before striking him squarely and killing him. Batthwack tells the two remaining guards that joining them would be dangerous, so they can flee if they wish. They say they want to kill Chilchirah, who they don't believe to be a true lizardfolk. Batthwack asks *"Can we switch to common for the benefit of my friends?"* One guard replies *"I can... Arsala here, he cannot."* Speaking in draconic, Arsala tells Batthwack *"I am with you. For my daughters."* They suggest recruiting the prisoners, mentioning the halfling and soldier again. There's also Kek, who they say is a *"render who go bad, who not be controlled."* They explain that renders are created by Chilchirah using some of his god magic to painfully mutate lizardfolk over several days, making them into big, strong, and fierce warriors. The guards suggest there could be as many as 10 other renders in the lair, close to Chilchirah. The group agree, and try to convince Mo to avoid killing more lizardfolk if possible.

    They make their way northeast towards the prison cells, pausing a little way south of there to decide what to do. Dew suggests the guards go first and introduce Batthwack who will present the body of the captain. The guards do as instructed and they enter the guardroom (20) outside the cells. They recognise a lizardfolk captain called Bilaroth who is with three other guards. Dew, Raphina and Mo are further back. Staying behind the corner, Will speaks reassuringly in one guard's head: *"Friends here to save you from Chilchirah."*

Batthwack throws down the body in front of the guards and speaks to Bilaroth, saying that the dead captain was a supporter of Chilchirah. He casts *Zone of Truth* (carefully leaving Will out of its effect, as per the contract) and asks them if they would kill Chilchirah given the chance. Bilaroth says *"My men and I will not stand with Chilchirah. If we have to make a choice, we will stand with you."* Dew asks if this is true for all his men, and Bilaroth replies in common, saying it is. Batthwack reminds them it will be dangerous. Will casts *Create Bonfire* to demonstrate their strength and this seems to encourage and excite the guards.

Will, still in character as a lizardfolk, asks about the size of Chilchirah's forces and is told that he has about twenty lizardfolk guards and at least two renders. He fancies those odds. Bilaroth agrees that they may be able to recruit some of the prisoners and hands Batthwack a set of keys to the prison cells.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Eric in the group's pre-game chat about kegel exercises. Abby: *"We're doing our kegels before we start."* Eric: *"I always thought that was just an assumed part of preparation that I would hope that all of you would be taking."* Abby: *"You didn't realise you had to explicitly tell us to do our kegels before we start."* Eric: *"It's like the number one unspoken rule of Pork Fried Dice. Pre show kegels, at least 30 minutes."*

## Gallery

*"My Poor Head: a show BY lizard folk FOR lizard folk!"* (Art by Neal)
## References

1. ↑ The *"Drop your sword!"* bit from *The Princess Bride*: https://youtu.be/wUJccK4lV74
2. ↑ Eric: *"These children aren't lizardfolk, they're American!"* -- the Muzzy commercial! https://youtu.be/mD9i39GENWU
3. ↑ KT gives a little insight into Will's character here, saying *"He's [Will's] all about coups. He knows what a coup is all about"*
4. ↑ See episode 178: It's a Good Thing Raphina Is a Notary