Real Estate- Wanted, Dead or Alive (Summary)

Introduced by banjo player and House Band Chuck Mclain, Paula and Adam take Alegra pills before the episode to test their advertising claim, (that Alegra gets one 'back to the moment'). They interview Dr. David Sloan on the subject of burial/cremation, and interview Taylor Hasselhoff as part of their new 'Career Corner' segment, in order to determine whether Paula could make it as a real estate agent.

## 'Real Estate- Wanted, Dead or Alive'

### Air date

October 2018

* To demonstrate the ongoing search for Thomas Coine, Paula makes a balloon animal of a family of bears she recently spotted on Miranda Street, alongside a balloon animal of the Transamerica Tower from San Francisco, with a guy sticking his head out of the 23rd story window holding a grape. The cast determines, based on listener mail, that Thomas Coine is not to be found in a random sunflower field near a listener's house, a Hostess factory somewhere in Kansas, a mineshaft a listener found on their way to the post office, a Ping Pong section in Dick's Sporting Goods, The Bench in the woods where a listener laid down to die during a cub scout hiking trip, the hole under a listener's cabinet where their cat keeps losing tinkle-balls, and Roger Federer's purported Appliance Store. Another listener suggests Thomas Coine is nowhere to be found as he is currently under witness protection hiding from Paula Poundstone.

* After declaring she would like her ashes scattered on Disney World, (despite being informed this is illegal), Paula summarizes Dr. David Sloan's advice as follows:

*"Cremation isn't as environmentally sound as we may have thought: Cremation ovens are powered by fossil fuels. So unless your loved ones are willing to pedal energy into a battery with a stationary bike in order to power the crematorium; it's not green. If you have a loved one's ashes in a box,* don't *distribute them in toon town, it's illegal! You don't want to be cuffed by sheriff Woody while you're trying to shake Aunt Edna out of a Sippy Cup. You* can *use a process of breaking down the body called 'aquamation,' which is done with a super soaker! Or, you can be frozen and cracked into tiny pieces, without even going to Chicago in the Winter!"*

* Subsequently, Paula and Adam interview Real Estate Agent Taylor Hasselhoff, whose advice Paula summarizes as follows:

*"To be a successful real estate agent, you have to work every day- now that's no problem for me, I work like a dog. I also sell a remarkably soft Tri-poly blend T-shirt, with a self-portrait on the left breast and a memorable quote on the back. Real Estate Agents use descriptive words like 'sleek,' and 'sexy,' although, I could use my own words, like, 'You could fit four litter boxes in here,' and 'non-allergenic.' You have to be able to listen when your clients call you, afraid of ESCROW. I could listen. Until the person I'm listening to says something that reminds me of something about me, and then I'd cut them off. Soon it'd be like: 'Paula, we're so worried about this investment,' and I'd say, 'You're worried?! I have a podcast! You don't make any money at* all *on a podcast! Well, Mark Maron did, but, I'm not Mark Maron, although I have cats! He says he's a cat guy, he has, like, three cats! I have fourteen cats, all I do is sift! Hello? Buyer? Are you there?'"*

* By the end of the Episode, Paula and Adam determine that, while Alegra does not keep one in the moment, it is apparently capable of getting Adam high.