Raef: I Always Knew

**Content Warning: Some sad stuff? Maybe?**

[Setting: A couple of days before the wedding.]

\_\_\_

Moonlight filtered through the curtains that framed the window, lighting upon a small area of the room’s floor; it dimly lit the rest of the room.  Raef lazily twisted a strand of Griffin’s hair around his fingers as he watched the beam steadily move as the moon lowered in the sky. The wedding was going to happen soon and it gnawed at him, chewing away with every passing moment until his stomach twisted nervously and painfully.

Griffin stirred slowly, shifting to resting his chin on Raef’s chest. “What’s wrong?” his voice was tired and his eyes were hazy, but he still looked up at Raef with worry.
“Nothing.”

“Uh-huh.” The half-orc propped himself up and he smiled softly, moving his weight to one arm so he could gently stroke his thumb along Raef’s cheek. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Raef repeated with a soft laugh.  He tucked Griffin’s hair behind his ear before leaning up to place a soft kiss on his lips. “I can’t sleep.”

“I have a remedy for that.”

“Oh?”

“Mmhmm.”  Griffin caught Raef in another kiss - this one hungry and biting - but his stomach still twisted.

~\*~

Leaves danced and twirled down the familiar path, pushed along by a breeze that cut through the heat of summer.  Raef smiled softly as he walked past the trees he had nearly forgotten about. They shaded him, but dappled sunlight still filtered down.  He had forgotten how beautiful the path was that wound to the garden. Soon the scent of woodfire smoke and cooking meat reached him; it made his heart ache.  Azrael had to be cooking.

The path ended at a clearing and the cottage stood there, small and quaint, but whole and unscorched.  Flowering bushes and plants ringed it. Behind the home the creek bubbled merrily.

“You’re late.”

“I always am,” Raef answered, each word easy to spring to his lips and he smiled over at the orc lounging back under an apple tree planted near the center of the clearing.  It was such a familiar scene and his heart tightened painfully.

“Well?  Are you coming over or just going to stare?” Azrael smiled - oh, he had such a radiant smile.

“I’m coming.” Raef chuckled.  When he reached his husband, he took the hand offered to him.  He kissed the back of it, sighing against the soft skin. “I missed you.”

“I missed you.” Azrael tugged Raef down beside him. “What’s wrong, *ahuvi*?”

“I don’t know.” Raef settled down against the trunk of the tree and twined his fingers with Azrael’s.  He was warm in his touch, so sweetly warm. He bit his lower lip before bringing Azrael’s hand up to place another kiss on the back of it.  He could smell the wood that had been cut and the soft musk of the soap that his husband used. Tears stung his eyes. “...I think I’m scared.”

“Of what?” Azrael squeezed his hand.

“Everything.”

Azrael laughed. “The weight of the world was always on your shoulders, *ahuvi*.  What have I told you about that?”

“To share the load.”

“Well? Have you?”

Raef sighed softly.  He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “No.”

“You were never very good at that.” Azrael laughed again.  It was beautiful laugh, and it pricked at his chest to hear it. “He’s a good man, *ahuvi*.”

“He killed you.” Raef swallowed the tight lump in his throat. “He did-didn’t mean to.”

“I know.  You worry too much.” Azrael tucked back a strand of Raef’s hair over one pointed ear. “What have I told you about that?”

Raef chuckled throatily. “Not to.” He traced a thumb across the back of Azrael’s hand. “But I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“Everything.”

“And --”

“I know, I know.”
Azrael smiled. “He loves you.”

“I know.”

“Then why are you scared?”

“Because of -”

“Me?”

Raef nodded.

“I love him, too.  He’s doing what I can’t.” Azrael unwound their fingers and wrapped Raef in a hug, pulling him close against him. “I wished I could take that pain away from you, but I couldn’t.  I could only watch you as you stumbled and fell.” He squeezed him gently...lovingly. “There was nothing I could do as you drowned, *ahuvi*….but then he was there.  I knew you would be okay.”

Raef ran a hand over his face, screwing his eyes shut until the tears finally broke free to trace rivulets down his face. “...I-I’m not okay...I still hear-hear you...and I’m so fucking sorry…” He sniffed and hid his face in his hands, knees drawing up to his chest. “...I couldn’t...*I couldn’t do anything!*”

“I didn’t want you to do anything.” Azrael ran his fingers through Raef’s hair before he carefully pried away his hands.  His dark eyes were gentle, soft, as they watched his weeping husband. “I screamed for you to run. I wanted you safe.” He cupped Raef’s face. “Please, *ahuvi*, you’ve cried enough.  It’s time for you to be happy.”

“...what if he isn’t?”

“Why wouldn’t he be happy?”  Azrael chuckled. It was that chuckle he always did when he thought he was being silly.  Raef had also missed that.

“Because I’m not a good person.”

“Is that all?”

Raef stared, brow furrowing in confusion. “‘Is that all’?”

“You’re fucking dramatic, Raef.” Azrael chuckled and placed a kiss on top of the elf’s head. “You have had a hard life.  That doesn’t make you bad. ‘Not a good person’, honestly.”

Raef didn’t know if he should be angry, confused, or something else. “I’ve -”

“I know. I saw.  I knew you did that before you met me, too.” He smiled again.  He was always smiling. Raef had loved that about him. “I saw it when you watched us at the pub that night.  I knew it when I stripped you and saw the scars, but I loved you. You were always a predator, *ahuvi*.  That doesn’t make you bad.  Tell him, if you must, but I promise he will still love you.”

“But -”

“Stop worrying.” Azrael shifted their positions to hold Raef in against his chest.  It was like they used to do when the air was warm and the sun filled the sky. He could feel every inhale, every twitch, and he loved it as much now as he did then.

So he sat there, listening to the song birds sing and feeling the soft breeze against his skin.  He sat there until a voice drifted to him, carried by the very wind that had led him back to his home.

<...*Raef…*>

Raef placed his hands over Azrael’s. “I love you, Az.”

<..*.Raef…*>

Azrael smiled and placed one more kiss on top of Raef’s head. “I love you, too.  Now, go. I’ll be here when it’s time for you to come visit again. He’s calling.”

~\*~

“Raef!”

The world was blurry when his eyes snapped open and he realized he was crying.  He quickly wiped at his face. “What? What’s wrong?”

“You tell me.” Griffin’s face was twisted with worry.  He helped to brush away the tears. “You were...what’s wrong?”

Raef wiped his face again before slowly pushing himself up to sit. “...I think...I think I’m scared.”  The ghost of a smile pulled at his lips, the dream lingering at the back of his mind.

Griffin’s brow knit. “Of what?”

“That you won’t love me.”

“Why wouldn’t I love you?”

“I have something to tell you.”