Kander Jr.

Kander Jr. is a player character from Professor Proxy's Wild Ride, played by Deeto. He is a Variant Human Monk known for his odd and impulsive behavior, much like his father, Kander.

## Personality

Kander Jr. seems to just follow whatever his mind is set on, regardless of what will happen due to the action.

## History

### Time and Place in Time and Space

Kander Jr. was born inside the Tower of Serventent, and lived inside of it until his Father's crew retrieved the top floor's treasure, collapsing the whole tower and leaving Kander Jr. as the only survivor.

### Professor Proxy's Wild Ride Campaign

Shortly after the Tower of Serventent's collapse, Kander Jr. was kidnapped by Professor Proxy onto his Bus and was forced to become his errand boy along with several others he had snatched. Their first task was to steal a project from the Blue Crab Cult, and deliver it back to Professor Proxy. Professor Proxy throws the group out and gives them headsets to remain in contact with. The group is approached by Raphael, a member of the Blue Crab Cult, who invites them in and gives them a tour around. Only a few moments after entering, the group had awakened a whole nursery of babies, gotten into an argument with Raphael, and then knocked Raphael out, discovering that he was a Crab.

The Crabhemoth appeared and began to wreak havoc, eating it's own followers and trying to kill the group. Kander Jr. had helped with the killing of the monster, but couldn't really focus because he had to take a massive shit from all the shellfish he ate earlier. Professor Proxy gathers The Group again and gives out a few samples of the Crabhemoth, before storing the rest in his Quantum Fridge. Kander Jr. shits in Professor Proxy's toilet before the next errand starts.

Their next errand is to get The Beatles to sign Professor Proxy's totally-not-stolen-whatsoever Help! record. The Group is dropped off at the concert and Homelander their way through the crowd, onto stage. The Beatles being to play one of their songs, and fan-girls starts to climb on stage and attack The Beatles. Nacho burns down a part of the crowd, and Kander Jr. Sparta Kicks one of them off. Sir Gerard takes off his helmet and shows his ugly fucking face, much to the ladies dismay. He begins to dance with one of them, but Moveh kills her before it lasts too long. Gerard decides to move on and plays with The Beatles with the help of Kander Jr's bagpipes, which are proceeded to be left behind as Proxy gets his record signed. As The Group gets back onto the Bus, Nacho tries to break the Record, but he is stopped before he can. Professor Proxy tries to threaten The Group, but no one cared.

Amid some terrible driving from Professor Proxy, Ophelia is knocked out and replaced by a crying child, who helps on the next errand, killing Julius Caesar because he is a big bitch. Professor Proxy puts them in the Colosseum, where Julius Caesar invites them to a chariot race, where the winner will be invited to an unforgettable luncheon with him. Kander Jr. and Moveh offer to participate, just in-case the others can't get to Julius Caesar. In the Race, Kander Jr. shows off his driving skills while Moveh holds off the competition by growing himself and man-handling all of them who even come close to him. Kander Jr. eventually loops around and wins the race, getting him and Moveh escorted to the Curia Julia.

When inside, they meet up with the others fighting a group of Centurions and Legionaries. Moveh cuts a Legionary in half, resulting in Sir Gerard bellowing out an ugly laugh. Moveh's size enhancement runs, but he snaps a Centurion's neck as he shrinks to normal size. Brutus appears next to Caesar, attempting to kill him before he notices The Group. Brutus spares Caesar for the time being and attempts to kill The Group, but not before dispelling his disguise and revealing himself as a "Time-Fed". He proceeds to get his ass beat and button mashes his Watch, teleporting him away. At the same time, Kander Jr. strangled Caesar to death after he handed out some magical herbs.

Professor Proxy explains what the Time Feds are, and how he has encountered them before. He warns that they will reappear later on, and that they must remain vigilant. He then proceeds to switch topics to getting a butler, because he thinks it would be neat. Nacho thinks it's retarded, but Professor Proxy just talks over him. They go the Planet "Vathos" and enter an exhibition where Friederich Vaughn shows off his latest invention, Merriweather. He tells Merriweather to say hi, and Merriweather tells the stupidest joke Kander Jr. had ever heard, and the most well received joke. Nacho lights the crowd on fire and gets Vaughn's attention. Vaughn tries to assure the audience will be alright while he puts on an apparatus, allowing him to channel electricity and summons a thunderstorm above him.

Moveh, and later Kander Jr., move Merriweather back to Proxy's bus and leave Vaughn behind to cope about his losses.

During a brief rest period inbetween errands, Kander Jr. and Nacho both looked for a Grimace Shake, and once found, Kander Jr. threatened to kill Nacho over it. Nacho, scared by a talking bee, surrenders the shake over to Kander Jr. Kander Jr. chugs the shake and immediately regrets it, he can hear a faint rich youtuber accent ringing in his head as it squirms around his body. Professory Proxy notices what occurred and gets pissed at Kander Jr., but he doesn't care because Professor Proxy is British.

Proxy tells everyone their next errand, going back in time to get turkey off the menu. That's right, The Gang is going back in time to get turkey off the menu. Professor Proxy exclaims that he wants this done because he hates turkeys. He drops The Gang off at Plymouth as the natives and pilgrims fight. Upon landing, Kander Jr. steals a pilgrim's hat and steals it, revealing a large dent in his head. Must've been dropped as a child. The Pilgrims try to get the Natives off their land, but as The Gang is fucking with them, the Turkinator emerges from the water. It begins to eat it's fellow worshippers and the Pilgrims as Kander Jr. experiences Deja Vu. The Gang fights it and tames it, officially taking turkey off the menu.

They bring it onto the bus and Merryweather takes the Turkinator to a seperate part of the bus as Kander Jr. realizes he's about shit on the carpet, and dashes to the bathroom, experiencing a round of violent diarrhea. As he shits, Proxy notices Ophelia's rotting corpse and decides to pick up some more errand boys. He picks up a velociraptor and jams a language modifier device down its throat, enabling it to communicate with the others. He also picks up a particuarly angry video game playing nerd. AVGN asks for any alcohol, but Professor Proxy says he's out, but will add it to the Time Shopping List. He goes to Quantum Fridge, but realizes he's too fucking lazy to open the door and makes The Gang head to the Whaley Household and get the original Ecto-Cooler recipe, instead of just getting it before it was discontinued. Professor Proxy was too angry to realize that Kander Jr. had no way to know that Ecto-Cooler was discontinued, and was just going with AVGN said.

Before he leaves, he gives everyone some ghost hunting equipment, namely an EMF reader for Sock, a spirit phone for Evan, some smudge sticks for Gerard, some salt for Nacho, and a crucifix for Kander Jr. They knock on the door and old little lady comes and let's them into her house, after they asked for some Cream Cheese. AVGN and Sock raid her kitchen as Nacho and Kander Jr. decide to burn the lady alive, deciding that she was annoying. Gerard tries to break Nacho's wand, but he trips on his own fat lards, and the execution goes on. The lady is burnt alive, her skin peels off and her eyes melt as she yells in violent agony. No one cares besides Gerard, as the old lady was the only person in his life to ever treat him as a human being.

The Gang sets up the Spirit Box and heads upstairs, entering the Master Bedroom. AVGN lays his body out and proceeds to push out a shit, but stops for a brief moment as Evan goes down and answers the Spirit Box, hearing the voice of the deceased Thomas Whaley. He encourages them to stop, but Evan thinks he cringes and gives the go ahead for AVGN. AVGN pushes out the turd, as Gerard stares at it arousingly. Thomas appears but Kander Jr. shoos it away with his crucifix, much to the annoyance of everyone else. Sock shits in the tub and makes Anna Whaley appear, and with AVGN's charisma, they get the Ecto-Cooler recipe. It consists of several fruit juices, and Ectoplasm, which are tears of a ghost. Immediately everyone except Gerard throws insults at Anna, trying to make her cry like a bitch. Gerard, on the other hand, sits in the corner and sucks on his thumb as everyone yells.

They fail at this task, and head into Thomas Jr's room. After a brief piss on his walls, the baby appears and cries, making Anna's motherly instincts kick in and cries for the baby. They collect the tears and head to the Garage and summon Yankee Jim, a supposed criminal who was hanged right where he stood. It's rumored that the reason he was hanged is that he had too much smegma on his cock, and it was beginning to poison people who smelt it. Everyone begins to bully him, except Gerard, he can't speak against people who've committed the same crimes as him. All this bullying makes him cry, which fills up the jar of Ghost Tears. Thomas, in a fury, closes all the exits in the house and begins to try and exterminate the evil-doers who have crossed into his household. He shoots at Nacho, since he has the lowest amount of health, but Gerard stands in front of him. The object slams into Gerard, but it flings away since it wasn't able to penetrate all the 20 layers of fat Gerard has on his body.

The Gang spread the smegma accusations onto Thomas, which caused him to cry because he used to have an addiction with smegma. He tried to distance himself from these past events, but they all bubble up and his emotions run out. Gerard runs through the door and gets everyone to escape. Professor Proxy picks everyone and congratulates them on getting the recipe. As their reward, they're going back to 1920's and get some vodka to get drunk on. He kicks them out and they meet the legendary Al Capone. He offers them a job to kill Ike for some free booze, and they all gladly accept. The Gang decides on how to assassinate Ike, but Kander Jr. flies over and snaps Ike's neck, immediately leaving the premises afterwards.

The Gang returns to Al Capone and gets the alcohol, bringing it to Professor Proxy and getting drunk. As they finish their supply, they experience a whole lot of turbulence as sirens go off inside off the bus. Proxy runs some diagnoistics and tells The Gang that the bus's Flux Capacitor has been stolen by something. He tells them to go up to the roof of the bus and figure out what's going on outside, and also to not fall off, or they will die. With a re-awakened Moveh, The Gang heads up and sees a giant, blue creature eating out the bus. After a brief struggle with the creature, The Gang tells Proxy what they are seeing, to which he has a realistic depiction of a panic attack. After rubbing his chest to calm himself down, he tells everyone that the creature is most likely a Chronovore sent by the Time Feds to kill everyone on the bus. Professor Proxy presses a cartoonishly large button and turrets pop out of the Bus. Kander Jr. and Moveh hop on and blast the Chronovore off the bus, but not without the fat bitch swallowing the flux capacitor first.

Professor Proxy tells everyone to get in the bus and brace for impact as they emergency crash into a Planet called "Anima Vendide". Professor Proxy does a scan of the landscape and tells The Gang to travel to the local market and barter for a new Flux Capacitor, and then mine some crystals to jump-start it. After a very intense disscussion between the right and wrong option, they head to the market first. On the way, Sock kills a little fat ball seemingly related to Gerard. The Gang reaches the market and barters among the merchants, eventually making their way to the last one, who has the Flux Compacitor they needed. In exchange for the Flux Compacitor, they give him a severed head that they had been given from a previous merchant. He hands them the Flux Compacitor, but a Bag of Holding falls down and forces itself opening, revealing the Bagman. The Bagman snatches the Merchant and the Flux Compacitor and brings them into the Bag, forcing The Gang to follow after them.

They enter the Bag and fight the Bagman, putting him in the middle of Tug-Of-War match between Moveh, who was pulling his beard, and Sock, who was biting his feet. After he loses his foot, he realizes that he wasn't built for this, and leaves everyone. The Gang looks through the Bagman's pile of treasures before leaving, finding a box with the words "Proxy x Marlene" etched onto the cover. They leave the bag and give Proxy their goodies, and head back to the mine and steal some crystals, before returning back to the bus. Proxy starts the bus back up and heads to meet up with an old friend.

Before landing, Proxy steals a person from a house, thinking he was Chris-Chan. He lands outside of Killgore's castle and decides to come with the party, due to Killgore's "aggressive" personality. After being let in, they meet a figure in a dark cloak with a deep, gravely voice. It asks what Proxy is doing here before revealing himself and coughing, clearing his throat as everyone soaks in that he's an overly gay skeleton. Liquid Chris seems to be very attracted to Killgore, and before anyone knew it, Killgore gave Liquid Chris a lap dance and smashed teeth together, officially becoming his new boyfriend. Killgore takes everyone outside before Proxy asks for the Walking Stick, but Killgore replies that his ex-boyfriend, Trey, had taken it during their breakup.

While talking, they stumble upon a large creature fighting two knights. Proxy asks if they should help, but Kander Jr. was taking Advil for his headache, Liquid Chris and Killgore were making out, and Sock was ravaging a container of cream cheese, so no one did. Eventually after the Nuckelavee kills the knights, it goes to attack The Gang, but is quickly stopped by a stab in the neck, and dropkick to push the blade in further. It runs away as they head to Trey's house. Before they reach his house, they must cross through a forest of Will-O-Wisps. Killgore tries to remember which way the correct path was, but Kander Jr. dissassembles him before his headache gets even worse. Liquid Chris thinks this was pretty funny and helps, as Sock is given Kilgore's pelvis. Kander Jr. and Liquid Chris throw Killgore's bones through the Wisps until they reach the end of the forest, where Kander Jr. refuses to return one of Kilgore's bones.

They are now at the start of a lake and Killgore decides to hitch a ride from Nessie, and after a brief drowning of Killgore from Liquid Chris, they reach the end of the lake. As they hop off, they see flickers of red in the forest, the Nuckelavee is running in the same direction as they are. The Gang finally get to Trey's house, and after smashing his window in with Kilgore's Femur, they see him and the Nuckleavee having a makeout session. Trey tries to explain, but Kander Jr. and Nacho kick his ass, while Sock and Liquid Chris have a threesome with the Nuckleavee. After Sock and Liquid have had their fun, The Gang returns to Killgore's Castle and says Farewell, as they hop back into the Bus, and move to their next errand.

As they're travelling, Liquid Chris smashes his head against the roof of the bus after hitting a time speed-bump, essentially "knocking him out". Professor Proxy tries to get the Nerd off the video game console, but to no success. He decides to steal Ryan Gosling from the set of "Drive" and force him to help with his errands. While Professor Proxy is explaining the rules to him, Nacho accidently breaks the Rick roll button on Proxy's control panel. Professor Proxy drops them off in Montana, sending them off to heist a train full of "Golden Beetles". As soon as Professor Proxy leaves, Kander Jr. steals a cowboy's outfit, while Driving Guy takes another's hat.

The Gang enters a saloon and Driving Guy challenges Jesse James to a duel, in the shittiest western accent he could muster. Driving Guy easily wins and Jesse gives out his worth in nickels, which Driving Guy responds with killing him, aggravating Frank and making Kander Jr. kill him as well. The Gang steals their horses and catches up to a passing-by train, supposedly the one they need to heist. As Driving Guy and Kander Jr. kill the guards, Gerard, using his good looks, succesfully deduces which lever is the right one to pull, and stops the train. Nacho catches up to the rest, as he fell off the horse earlier. Driving Guy gives Nacho some dynamite to explode the vault, revealing the goodies inside. They give Proxy the beetles, which he places in his little aquarium that seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

His next errand is sending them to retrieve the lost game of Polybius. The Gang is dropped off at an arcade where they meet the world renowned cheater, Billy Mitchell. He's playing on the game, Polybius, but Driving Guy beats his shit in, letting him play the game. Driving Guy's eyes start to hurt as he plays, and eventually passes out right next to Billy. Gerard calls in Proxy, to which he figures out that Polybius has both given them brain viruses, and now everyone else must go inside Driving Guy and Billy Mitchell's brain and save them. They enter Driving Guy's brain and Proxy notes that his and Billy's brain must've merged together, as the landscape was far too nerdy, with cheat codes scrawling about. The Gang fights Pac-Man and eventually runs into a room that holds Driving Guy and Billy. They try to escape with them, but several pillars surround them as a man of marble emerges from the floor. The Gang defeats it and Proxy takes them out. In a weird case of empathy, Proxy promises that their errands are over, and he'll give them a much needed vacation before returning them home.

Professor Proxy drops The Gang off at the space resort, Ishimura One. The Gang explores the ship, viewing a holographic Weezer concert, watch a fountain of infinite mirror, and play in a McDonalds play pen. Playing in that Play Pen pulled Kander Jr. some mad legal bitches, and while the others went inside, he had sex. The poor kids learned what the bee's and the bee's meant that day. After that, Driving Guy and Kander Jr. pulled an epic griddy dance on a stage while the Weezers kept wheezing, and quickly after being shoo'ed off stage, go to rest for the night. In the late night, Driving Guy and his girlfriend were woken up by a stranger who had broken into their room. The stranger then swiftly evacuated the rest of The Gang. They are introduced as John, Braxton, Balgar, Alice and Dondo. They excorted the gang all around the ship trying to find an escape, but after coming to a crossway and turning right, they stumble across versions of themselves. Yet oddly, Gerard's clone wasn't ugly as him, he was handsome. Gerard takes an issue with that and touches his clone, but they mutate and start to attack The True Gang. Dondo, unsuprisingly, was also a clone and joins in the attack. Before long, they merge into one huge monster that scrams away after The Gang beats it up enough. The Ship's AI tells everyone that an engine blockage has occured, and directs them to go fix it. Inside, the Blob of Clones is trying to be a fatass and eat it. A couple of John's friends die as they try to get the Dondoganger away, but eventually they free it as it scrams into a vent.

They run into the escape pod rooms as M1 is interrogated for leading them to the death trap. M1, unsuprisingly, was hacked and become an rat AI that was trying to kill everyone. M1 sends out the escape pods and locks the door shut as Dopplegangers approach the Gang. They eventually fight their way out and pry open the door to let Proxy get them out of the ship. As they all pile onto the bus, Proxy hears banging which gives him a horrible deja vu attack.

Amidst the banging, Proxy sends them out to check on the bus. Lo and behold, a reused boss fight awaits them! The Gang beats Bluebo Josh once again as they crash back onto a different alien planet, where the Time Feds are waiting to arrest The Gang. A ship comes fly down with a weird little woman and Brutus, with a delectable neck waiting to be snapped. The women begins to leak Proxy's legal info, name dropping his actual name, Ezra Bucket, and crimes he has committed. Something like 10 kidnappings and murders, Kander Jr. wasn't paying attention because he doesn't know what those words mean. Proxy begins to plead for the women, who he calls Marlene, to come back to him, as he has gotten all of these gifts for her. She doesn't care and arrests them all, except for Gerard. Kander Jr. didn't believe it as a side story went on about how Proxy was cucked, and not only cucked, but took of the person who cucked him. He would've laughed if the cucker was anyone else besides Gerard, the epitome of "only a mother can love it". The Gang tries to fight back, but with Proxy's cuck energy lingering in the air, they were quickly captured and put into jail, with Kander Jr. only agreeing to go in if he was given a fleshlight.

In jail, Kander Jr. was not given a fleshlight. The Gang were all collectively passed out as they awaited their sentence, but after a while, they shared a vision of a Tall Black Man with Large Shades shouting "WAKE THE FUCK UP, SAMURAIS!!!!". This awakens the party, who they see Gerard infront of the prison door, trying to open it. Gerard tells them that over their recent adventures, he's realized the true meaning of friendship, and how awful Marlene's cooter was. Gerard tries to recruit the others to help rescue Proxy as well, but he only gained Kander Jr since he didn't want to be stuck on a planet. After enough convincing, everyone agreed to go save Proxy. They enter the room where he is being detained, seeing Brutus leave because he's scared of them. After a few moments of fighting, Proxy is freed and tells everyone his lore, and swiftly making amends with Gerard. They think of rescuing the Ishimura Crew, but they didn't like them in the first place, so The Gang decided to leave them there.

Proxy comes up with a plan to leave. It involves them disabling the Chrono-Navigator to avoid being tracked, but when they get into the room, they see Brutus there. Kander Jr. gets tired of carrying Kilgore's bone and gives it to Proxy under the guise as a weapon. Brutus spiels on about something, but while he was talking, Kander Jr. walks up to him and snaps his neck, killing the final boss in under a few seconds. After a few more minutes of fighting and breaking the Chrono-Navigator, they're finally free! The Nerd gets the watches and hands them out, while Proxy asks the golden question. They all say no to him, not wanting to forget most and least of their life. They all TP to a fallen piss ship and start it up, as Proxy claims it as his own Magic School Box.

As they fly into the time stream, Professor Proxy looks back at his new found friends as they rest up, and says to the camera, "This truly has been a Wild Ride...".

## Notable Moments

* Dissassembling Killgore
* The PlayPlace incident
* Cumming into the time stream.
* Snapping Brutus' neck

## Trivia

* Kander Jr. has only been alive for 14 years, but due to his unique hybrid physique, he's actually 21.
* Kander Jr. is the first player character to be the child of another player character, being Kander.