Connie LaCienega

## Constance "Connie" LaCienga

**Constance** **"Connie" LaCienega the Hormone Monstress** is a female hormone monster, who helps girls (mostly) go through puberty. She works as Jessi's hormone monstress and serves as a foil to Maury, who she has an on & off sexual relationship with. She embodies the part of many women's minds that yearns for glamour and sexiness. She has some catchphrases, such as "Get rid!" and "Bubble bath" (pronounced "bubba baff"). She first appeared in "Everybody Bleeds". She is voiced by Maya Rudolph.

## Biography

### Romantic Life

Connie has a long sexual past with Maury that dates back just about as far as time goes. They have an on & off relationship that swings from sexual partners to bitter enemies. In the final episode of the first season of Human Resources, Maury is pregnant with Connie's baby.

### Career

In "Everybody Bleeds", Connie showed up in Jessi's house after she got her period and told her that she had officially begun puberty. Connie told her about all of the wonderful, horrible, and in-between things she'd be experiencing such as shoplifting makeup, crying hysterically, destroying her own property, listening to Lana Del Rey, lashing out at her mother and laughing at her tears. Jessi wasn't ready for puberty but Connie said she had no choice and that these were going to be the best years of her life. Although Jessi was frightened by Connie's threatening demeanor, she took the time to tell her that she looked pretty.

In "Am I Gay?", Connie showed up to tell Jessi that her date with her new boyfriend, Nick, was going horribly and that she should dump him lightly. Jessi told Nick they should just be friends and Nick was okay with that. However, Nick went and told everyone at school that it was him who dumped her, which pissed Connie off so bad that she had Jessi curse Nick out in front of the entire school.

In "Sleepover: A Harrowing Ordeal of Emotional Brutality", Connie admired popular plastics, Devin and Lola and convinced Jessi to be friends with them even though Jessi hated them for being bullies. Connie's bad influence on Jessi led to her becoming a bully herself and making fun of her friend, Missy.

In "Girls Are Horny Too", Connie encourages Jessi to purchase a bright red push-up bra, which leads to Jessi and Connie both becoming uncomfortable and distressed from the attention received.

In "The Head Push", Connie was revealed to be Missy's hormone monstress too and led her into playing seven minutes in heaven with Andrew at Leah's party. Because Connie's client was working with Maury's client, the two had an awkward reunion. Apparently, there was some bad blood between them, following a bad breakup they went through a while back. However, they promised to keep things professional and work together for their job. However, Connie said that her client had no experience and no idea what she was doing. Likewise with Maury and his. Connie and Maury just kind of took a shot in the dark and things worked out pretty well. Andrew and Missy's making out, got Connie wet for Maury and the two put their past behind them and quickly started violently fucking on the table, officially becoming a couple again.

In ""Dark Side of the Boob", Connie was shown to also be Gina's hormone monstress. She helped Jessi and Missy start to love their bodies with the song, "I Love My Body".

At the end of "The Department of Puberty", Connie became Nick's hormone monstress. Nick was confused as to why he had a female hormone monster but Connie told him not to question it and taught him how to masturbate. Nick properly jerked off for the first time and finally climaxed.

In "My Furry Valentine", Connie caused Nick to experience traits of female puberty, including his nipples becoming sensitive, and being prone to emotional outbursts.

In "Girls Are Angry Too", Jessi and Nick got into a fight over dress code and Connie, being the hormone monster for both of them, played both sides of the argument until they eventually made up.

In "How To Have An Orgasm", Connie and Jessi's vagina encourage Jessi's attraction to Judd. Connie directs Jessi to "joojle" how to have an orgasm on the internet, watching a porn video with her. Connie also shows Jessi how vibrators have helped women orgasm for "over one hundred years" - the two watch Joseph Granville cure female hysteria through inducing hysterical paroxysm (orgasm) using a vibrator. Connie advises Jessi to use her vibrating toothbrush as a vibrator, and Jessi is able to achieve her first orgasm.

In "Rankings", Connie gets excited with Nick to rank the girls. Jessi is disappointed that she is not on anyone's list despite her disdain for the whole concept, to which Connie remarks "It's like *Schindler's List*. You wish there didn't have to be a list, but if there's gonna be one, you wanna be on that motherfuckin' list". Connie sings a verse in "Why Does Nobody (Get How Great I Am?)", and is dressed in a grunge-hipster style during the song, sporting glasses, a white T-shirt, black choker, and a plaid flannel shirt tied at the waist.

In "A Very Special 9/11 Episode", Nick is mad at Connie for siding with Jessi when he believes Jessi to be in a toxic relationship with Michelangelo. Connie failed to warn Jessi about these red flags because she, too, was blinded by his hotness and couldn't see what a horrible man he truly was. In the end, Connie decided to retire as Nick's hormone monstress and Nick was perfectly fine with that, as he started hating Connie for all the "stupid shit" she had put him through during their time together. Nick sent her off with one final "fuck you" and an insult to her hair.

In "Horrority House", Connie, along with Maury, Mona, and Rick, accidentally trigger a bookshelf to rotate and lead them to a secret area. They remain unseen until the end of the episode. It is unknown what happened to the monster's during this time.

In "Best Friends Make The Best Lovers", Connie heavily encourages Jessi to engage in a sexual relationship with Ali, believing that they "can't ruin a friendship with sex".

In "A Very Big Mouth Christmas", Connie is a source of frustration for Maury as he prepares his Christmas party - she gets drunk on "jingle juice" ("two drops of bitters, a shot of Campari, and a robust squirt of [Connie's] very own feminine juices"), pukes on the sofa, refuses to walk the penises, refuses to engage in his Christmas traditions, and forgets to put out the painted eggs for Vader Johan.

In "Sugarbush", Connie appears briefly at the beginning of the episode to encourage her sister, Bonnie, to be nice to Maury during the Birch's skiing trip. She appears again later with Bonnie to advise Maury that the sister's will be putting their father in a home, and that they have decided to engage in a threesome with him.

## Appearance

Connie is a vibrant yellow hormone monster with long, prehensile, maroon hair and tawny brown body fur that covers her breasts, arms, legs, ass, and also serves as her eyebrows. She has two horns on her head and big ears on the sides. Her eyes are various shades of blue from charlotte to cerulean to sapphire to sky. She has a wide nose with pronounced nostrils, that sit above her broad mouth, rimmed with dim fandango lips. Connie's hands are small, pale, and yellow and she has hooves for feet.

## Personality

Connie is a bombastic, bodacious, and brassy bitch, with a vivacious zest for life. She truly embraces life and lives it to the fullest. She has no filter or sense of self control and is completely comfortable with having an open, euphemism-free dialogue about sex. Connie is tough-as-nails and wants her clients to be as proud and free as she is, often convincing them to leave their comfort zones and truly express themselves no matter what society says. More often than not, however, Connie has gone overboard and led her clients into behaving inappropriately in public and getting themselves in trouble. Connie can sometimes be a bad influence on her clients, pushing her otherwise polite and mild-mannered girls into aggressive behaviors such as bullying, throwing tantrums, and shoplifting. Despite her shortcomings, Connie is a very heartfelt and loving hormone monstress who truly and deeply cares about her clients. She is very expressive of her emotions both happy and sad and has the tendency to sympathize with her clients, often crying when her clients are crying in a time of distress, getting turned on when her clients are sexually aroused, and flaring up with a demonic rage when her clients get pissed off.

## Relationships

### Friends

* Maury - Maury and Connie have more of a beneficial relationship than just a friendship and have been the same since the Ice Age.
* Rick - Connie and Rick occasionally have their one-to-one friendships but like other members of human resources, she thinks of Rick being ugly and stupid.
* Gratitoad - The Gratitoad brings a lot of joy into Connie from what it's meant to bring, which is the power of being positive.
* Jessi - Since the day that Connie appeared in Jessi's room, weren't so close until Connie realized what Jessi wanted instead of what she thought. They have had there ups and down, such as in Smooch or Share, Jessi wanted a break from Connie for a bit since she wasn't in a good place, but got back together the next day.
* Nick - Throughout the few seasons that Nick has had Connie as her first boy, they had their ups and downs until Connie realized how much of an asshole Nick was and that went on after their apology at the end of season 4, but Connie sees Nick as an acquaintance after apologizing to Jessi in season 5.

### Clients

* Jessi Glaser - Everybody Bleeds to present.
* Missy Foreman-Greenwald - The Head Push to Am I Normal? (It was hinted in episodes after that Connie didn't like Missy)
* Gina Alvarez - Dark Side of the Boob - ???
* Nick Birch (formerly) - The Department of Puberty - A Very Special 9/11 Episode.
* Mike Bloomberg (Human Resources)
* Becca Lee

### Enemies

* **Shannon Glaser** - Connie dislikes Shannon for how she has treated Jessi after Greg and Shannon's divorce and didn't make it better when she met Dina.
* **Dina Reznick** - Connie dislikes Dina for being with Shannon.
* **Shame Wizard**
* **Depression Kitty**
* **Tito**

### Family

* **Bonnie** - Twin Sister
* Montel - Maury and Connie's child. (Raised gender-neutral and will decide their gender when they are older.) Connie and Montel's relationship was rough at first due to Connie not wanting the child, but has a change of heart shortly before Montel is born.

## Episode Absences

Connie has appeared in all of the episodes except for the following:

* Ejaculation (Name Written)
* Pillow Talk
* Requiem for a Wet Dream
* Duke
* Nick Starr

## Trivia

* Before making her debut in "Everybody Bleeds", Connie's name was seen tattooed in Maury's arm in "Ejaculation" with a heart to dot the "i", indicating that they had some form of romantic relationship. This was further explored in "The Head Push", when it was revealed that they did have a vivid sexual past and currently still have an on & off friends-with-benefits relationship.
* Connie doesn't use deodorant and only takes bubble baths.
* Connie served as Nick's hormone monster from "The Department of Puberty" to "A Very Special 9/11 Episode", making him her first male client.
* Connie is the only *Big Mouth* character to have her own page on Wikipedia. It can be viewed here.
* Connie has some incorrect understandings of concepts, words and phrases, but it often adamant that she is correct.
	+ She believes "Google" is pronounced "joojle".
	+ She believes that the Me Too movement is related to women orgasming as much as men.
	+ She thinks that "Valentine's Day" is pronounced "Valentime's Day", because it is "the time of the Valen".

## References

1. ↑ *Big Mouth*, season 2 episode 10, *The Department of Puberty*, 5 October 2018