"Skate Tape"

Preceding the recording of *Diet Coke & Lilith's House of Snax* Episode #51, The Snack-Keeper left a tape on Diet Coke's door along with a note explaining that they were not able to make it to the House of Snax that week but still wanted to provide the show with an outro. The tape is labeled "Skate Tape" and was played in full during the last eleven minutes of Episode #51.

## Full Transcript

**ANNOUNCER**: The following is a presentation of SNAK News.

[Sounds of skateboarding and coughing]

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Fuckin’ Pixy dust!

**NARRATOR**: When we talk about professional skateboarding in the 2010’s, one name comes to mind. No Snack-Keeper was more daring, more innovative, more dominant, than The Snack-Keeper. Join SNAK News for the next hour as we take you on a journey through The Snack-Keeper’s illustrious and far from over career. They were the first Snack-Keeper to win four gold medals at a single Chex Game showcase, the first Snack-Keeper to win Chex Game’s gold in three different decades, and they invented the trick where they remove their head and pass it under the board while doing a 720 nose grab. This trick was so sick that the government made it illegal to give it a name. But there’s one trick the legendary skater has never been able to pull off; it’s called the Boneless. In the so-called normal dimension, it’s a relatively simple trick. The skater grabs the board frontside, launches off the ground with their front foot, then places that foot back on the board in midair. No Snack-Keeper has ever been able to pull it off, because they are all bone. The last time a Snack-Keeper attempted a Boneless was when Mike Citric Acid tried it at the Monster Energy Snack-Keeper skateboard street event during the 2018 Chex Games. We’re going to play the audio from that attempt, but first we’d like to warn the parents who may be listening with young children that some of the sounds may be disturbing.

[Sound of skateboarding, followed by a splat noise and screaming]

**NARRATOR**: You may be wondering what would possess a Snack-Keeper to attempt such a dangerous feat. We were too, and the answer comes from a surprising place. SNAK reporter Kim Red Dye Number Five sat down with The Fun Sucker to figure out what drove The Snack-Keeper to attempt the Boneless, even though they’re all bone.

[*Transition*]

**THE FUN SUCKER**: The Snack-Keeper first came to me a little under a year ago. We hadn’t met in person, but, but we had both possessed the same human a few times, so we had something of a work relationship. They told me that, as they were getting older, they felt themselves slipping, and they asked me for help to get serious again about their skateboarding. I said, “Of course I can help you get serious; I’m the Fun Sucker.” So, I created a cure for Pixy Dust Lung. I know this disease has plagued this dimension for generations and generations, causing untold suffering and curving the Snack-Keeper population at the low thousands. I told The Snack-Keeper that I would release the cure only after he completed a Boneless at the 2022 Chex Games. I think it would be devilishly unfun when she fails and I have no choice but to destroy the cure in front of thousands of Snack-Keepers and mourning their fallen hero.

**KIM RED DYE NO. 5**: Are you afraid at all that The Snack-Keeper will pull off the trick, forcing you to usher in a new era of unprecedented amounts of fun by lifting this plague?

**THE FUN SUCKER**: Absolutely not. No Snack-Keeper can do a Boneless, because they’re all bone.

[*Transition*]

**RYAN BOARDSLIDE**: I’m- I’m Ryan Boardslut- Boardslide- Boardslut- Bi- I’m Ryan Bislut. Damn it! Hey, what’s up, everybody, it’s me, Ryan Boardslut- uh, Ryan Boardslide, and I’m here for the Chex Games, with The Snack-Keeper. What’s up, Snack-Keeper, how you doing?

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Oh I’m doing okay, just relaxing with my little precious baby here, my little kitty cat.

**SEX GOO ORGY DAY**: Meow!

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Her name of course is Sex Goo Orgy Day, which is the equivalent of Christmas in the Snack Dimension.

**RYAN BOARDSLIDE**: Right, of course. That makes total sense. I’m here- I’m here, you know, representing VH1 for the Chex Games, and uh-

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: We’re very excited for this to be the first Chex Games televised in the normal dimension.

**RYAN BOARDSLIDE**: Yeah, it’s- it’s great. It’s great. So uh, are you nervous?

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Oh, a little. I’m a little bit nervous. I know- I know that in your dimension, the Boneless is sort of, it’s considered something of a basic trick, but uh-

**RYAN BOARDSLIDE**: I do it all the time.

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Here- here it can be quite dangerous, you know, but the important thing to remember is that I’m doing this for the kids, you know? The future generations that we haven’t been able to have because of Pixy Dust Lung, of course. I don’t know if they tell you about that.

**RYAN BOARDSLIDE**: Oh yeah.

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: You’re wearing a special suit to be able to breathe in this dimension.

**RYAN BOARDSLIDE**: Uh huh. And I’m not turned on at all by medical gear, so this is great.

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: And why would you be? Ha ha ha! Um, well we’re just really excited to kind of get our species back on the map, and uh, you know, I- I’m really looking forward to start a family, which I haven’t been able to, and that’s- that’s the important thing here, is that, uh, is that we’re doing it for the kids, you know?

**RYAN BOARDSLIDE**: You’re doing it for the kids! And that’s important. That’s why I have my charity, uh, the Ryan Seacrest Foundation. I’m involved with them, uh.

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Of course. Oh, they’re wonderful. They’re my favorite charity, as a matter of fact.

**RYAN BOARDSLIDE**: They actually taught me how to read prompter, which I am doing right now, um, and uh.

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: That's so wonderful.

**RYAN BOARDSLIDE**: Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’ve really changed my life, um.

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: So I guess that means that uh, when I was in Diet Coke, I was sort of paying- paying for your schooling, huh? Ha ha!

**RYAN BOARDSLIDE**: It really did, uh, you know, every Cookie Pop, every uh Candy Pop that you bought, um, that’s uh, made a big deal.

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: This brings a- brings a tear to my eye. Or it would, if I could cry, which of course I can’t, because as you know, I’m all bone.

[*Transition*]

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Hey, everybody at home. Gave me this Vibe mic so I could take you with me wherever I go. Just uh, headed to the doctor now. Gotta get a physical so I can get insured for the Chex Games. Not a huge fan of doctors, but should be fine.

[Door opens]

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Waiting room smells like Pixy dust.

[Door opens]

**RECEPTIONIST**: Uh, Snack-Keeper?

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Yo!

**RECEPTIONIST**: The doctor will see you now.

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Great! Lead the way.

**RECEPTIONIST**: Sorry if I seem nervous. It’s not every day we get a celebrity. Dr. Sodium Benzoate is gonna take great care of you. We know that the Boneless is gonna be physically taxing, since you’re all bone.

[*Transition*]

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Great physical, Doc! Nobody cups a nut like you!

**DR. SODIUM BENZOATE**: Uh, thank you, uh, Mr. Snack-Keeper.

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: And when I say nut, of course I’m referring to the butter toffee peanuts that our bodies produce instead of sweat and that doctors check during physicals because the composition of the butter toffee coating can reveal details about the patient’s overall health.

**DR. SODIUM BENZOATE**: Uh, um, Mr. Snack-Keeper.

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: As you and I both know, no Snack-Keeper has testicles, and we also have no concept of gender to tie into those testicles, which is what we would do if we were assholes, which I am, but the humans do have those, so they might think something different when I say cupping a nut.

**DR. SODIUM BENZOATE**: Mr. Snack-Keeper, please. I don’t want to sugarcoat this.

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Is that- is that like some kind of joke because we’re talking about sugar coating, or are-

**DR. SODIUM BENZOATE**: When I was sucking on your nuts, after I cupped them, of course, I noticed they tasted kind of bad. That isn’t a good sign.

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Oh.

**DR. SODIUM BENZOATE**: So I, um, spit them out and took them to the nut computer in the back to run further tests.

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Oh.

**DR. SODIUM BENZOATE**: You have Dogshit Bone Disease. Basically, what’s happening is your bones suck shit. They’ve always sucked shit and have been killing you your entire life by sucking so bad.

[The Snack-Keeper quietly exhales, followed by a moment of silence]

**DR. SODIUM BENZOATE**: Mr. Snack-Keeper, did you hear me?

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: I- I heard you.

**DR. SODIUM BENZOATE**: I’m afraid the condition is terminal. You’ve managed to stave it off for a long time with your frequent visits to the normal dimension, but the beneficial effects of that realm are not a cure. They only prevent the inevitable and offer diminishing returns. With the frequency of your visits, I would say that those benefits have likely diminished to zero, so I wouldn’t waste anymore time there. It won’t do you any good. You’ll, uh, want to spend the remaining time you have with your family, if you have one. Uh, but given the current progression of the disease, I would estimate that you have at most two weeks left to live, likely closer to one. Um, you probably haven’t felt any pain yet, but you will, and it will be extreme, and it’s likely to start-

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Aahyoohyahoh! Owie! Owie! Owie!

**DR. SODIUM BONZOATE**: Mhm. About now. Yeah, you will feel it through your entire body, because the disease affects the bone, and, as you can see from this X-ray here, you are all bone.

[*Transition*]

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Hey, Diet Coke. Hey, Lilith. Couldn’t make it in, but I didn’t want you to be without an outro, so I taped this. I taped this on the only tape I have. I guess you heard everything that comes before it because my rewind button is also broken, so I couldn’t tape over it.

[The Snack-Keeper seems to begin crying]

**THE SNACK-KEEPER**: Goodbye, ghosts and ghoulies! The House of Snax is closed yet again. We’ll snack you later! Hee hee, ah! Fuck! That doctor wasn’t lying when he said it would hurt everywhere because I’m all bone.

[*Transition*]