334: Grind the Poopdeck!

## Summary

The party (sans Will and Batthwack) arrive at the river where they find Gloria's husband Gary, the novice ferryman, struggling somewhat to control his craft. Raphina provides a steady hand on the tiller, so to speak, and the Bleekers are finally reunited. Meanwhile, Will *Polymorphs* Batthwack into a mouse so that the dragonborn can attend the meeting with Trofast in secret.

## Synopsis

After Will and Batthwack disappear into the florist's shop, the others leave the square, heading towards the river. Lachrymose pulls the wagon, on which some of the party are riding. Gloria's excited to see her husband Gary. Rosco seems sceptical that Gary will have remained faithful to her during his absence, but she says they've only been apart for a few weeks and insists that they're very much in love. Rosco is still waiting to get back to his love, who he hasn't seen for decades. These days, mustard has really become his only source of intimacy. Raphina says she's in love with nature.

As they round the bend, the river comes into view, along with a large ferry boat, on which Gary can been seen rushing around manically, using two poles to desperately try and regain control of its movement. It's immediately obvious to Raphina that Gary has no idea what he's doing. How did he manage to get this job? She jumps down from the wagon, plops her terrarium into the water and hops in. The Warping Scorpion climbs up onto her lap. With a small pair of oars she retrieves from inside, she begins speedily rowing out to the ferry, the terrarium's legs paddling furiously as well. Once she's got close enough, she urgently introduces herself, *"Excuse me! Are you Gary? Raphina Phalangepot at your service! Give me that pole!"* She confidently announces her credentials as a seasoned ferrying professional, but Gary's initially unsure. However, he agrees to let her help when it's pointed out that Gloria is watching from the bank. *"I'd love to help you make a great impression at your new job,"* says Raphina. She makes quick work of righting the boat, deftly spinning the poles and Jazzercising her way from side to side as she does so.

Gary apologetically explains that this is his first day on the job, and rather than easing himself in gently, he's had the misfortune of picking the same day as the funeral procession. They've even asked him to take the head of the procession out to the cruise ship. He says he needs to be on the other side of the river to meet them, and that's where the party are hoping to find *Millings Goods & Sundry*, so he agrees to take everyone across with him. A ramp is lowered and Lachrymose pulls the wagon onto the ferry. Gloria, the two girls and Gary are reunited and they embrace excitedly. It seems from their conservation that Gary lied about his prior ferrying experience in order to get the job, but Raphina is very encouraging nonetheless. Rosco tells Gary about their experience with scarecrows back at the inn, and how his daughter Mauve had been drawn into the drama when she was apparently used to deliver news of the creatures' impending arrival.

Meanwhile, Will and Batthwack discuss a plan to ensure they have the upper hand when they meet with Trofast, if that is indeed his true identity. Batthwack suggests using Will's *Seeming* spell to disguise him, but Will is concerned that Trofast appeared to know who he was, despite his efforts to blend into the crowd with a drab disguise (another bland alter ego that Will christens Valencio Beigeman). Will prefers the idea of turning Batthwack into a small animal who he can carry secretly in his pocket. Suggestions include mouse, bird, snake, spider, snail and lizard. Will likes the idea of a mouse as they're fairly nimble and quick. Batthwack wants to know how he can change back to his normal form when he's ready, and Will reassuringly tells him that he can just end the spell's effect whenever he likes. This is, of course, a complete lie, and Batthwack, of course, believes it. His brow is furrowed as struggles to suppress his burgeoning frustration with this situation. Will does feel bad about misleading Batthwack, but he's only doing it out of concern that the dragonborn might blow their cover if he reacts too impulsively to whatever situation unfolds. Will is sincere when he says to Batthwack, *"Trust me. Please trust me."*

Batthwack urges Will to hurry up and turn him into a mouse, but first Will wants a little background info on Batthwack, his wife and their kingdom, to help him accurately portray his own persona: that of Batthwack's valet. Batthwack says that all Will needs to know is that they were banished, but that Trofast didn't flee with them, so it's odd that he's here. Will finds that very suspicious, but doesn't have time to get into it. He stops himself mid-rant and *Polymorphs* Batthwack into a mouse. The dragonborn's tussle of hair is still in place on his mouse form, looking a bit like a mohawk. There's also something uncannily chelonian about this mouse. Will's just lifting the tiny animal into the breast pocket of the vest inside his coat when he's suddenly put in mind of how frequently mice like to defecate. Too late for that now. They do a quick communication test. Batthwack's able to understand Will when he speaks and is able to receive and reply to *Messages*. It's time to go.

## Quotes

* Rosco: *"You see that scorpion? I know that's scary, but don't be wary. Do you see ferry Gary over there, the man you did marry? Raphina has those oars she's gonna carry over there to help him. And then there will be nary a problem. And someday when you and your husband are both dead, your daughters will bury... you."* KT: *"Wow."* Gloria: *"What does that have to do with the scorpion?"*

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Abby/Raphina. On his first day as Trent's ferryman, poor Gary is struggling to control his craft, and when Raphina rushes out to help, she shouts a couple of different commands at him: *"Harpoon the forecastles!"* and *"Batten down the parrot!"* While these phrases may sound like nonsense to our layperson ears, to a highly skilled, professional ferry-person these are presumably highly technical. It's a little later when Rosco wants to board the ferry with Lachrymose and the wagon, and Raphina calls out another such technical term, perhaps the appropriate instruction for lowering the ferry's ramp: *"Grind the poopdeck!"*
* When available, ferrets do eat worms, insects and even carrion: https://a-z-animals.com/blog/what-do-ferrets-eat/
* Teferi Akosa (*Magic: The Gathering* character): https://mtg.fandom.com/wiki/Teferi\_Akosa
* The boatswain's mate pipe: https://youtu.be/iAwdGda9iYk

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured Adam doing a recap to the tune of *Rent* by Jonathan Larson (from the musical *Rent*):

Where do you stage someone's fake death

When real death's getting more

Non-fiction each day?

Nick died, Sin died

Dog Rosco,

Now ferret Chloe

In Dusquene Bay

Trent!

Why would you honk the horn

Folks are trying to mourn

"Arugula" sounds like you don't care

When the boat's all dour

With funeral flowers

And a processional in the town square!

And behind us we're draggin'

Someone's stolen wagon

Here in Duquesne Bay

Here in Duquesne Bay

Spelled Dus-Queenie Bay

Here in Trent!

Will keeps changing attire

And he hears people saying

They see Batthwack as a half-orc dude

Will hears a voice in his head

And tells Batthwack to hide

Which he does not do

So he Dimension Doors them

To a flower shop
And tells him:

"He thinks I'm your valet

He thinks I'm your valet

Says he's your wife's valet

Here in Trent!"

How do you keep a clear head

When the family you thought was dead

Has resurrected?

It sounds absurd!
Is his family in town?

He's about to melt down

Will gives him a big frown

And wants to know the code word

"Why won't you tell me?"

"Why don't YOU tell ME?"

His fam could be okay

His fam could be okay

Could his fam be okay?

Here in Trent!

(Meanwhile, Raphina spreads the rumour that maybe somebody murdered Chloe the ferret, and while Rosco spearheads the mission to return the stolen wagon to Millings Goods & Sundry, and the Bleekers to their husband and father...)

Batthwack gets inside of Will's mind

By casting the classic spell

Zone of Truth

But he excludes himself

And causes Will to think

He's being uncouth

Get bent!

How can a fake death be staged

When the bodyguard whose death you're faking

Betrays you with nonchalance

What binds the party together

When a spell makes you say the code word

Is renaissance?

Will looks at Batthwack

Says "I can't give you flack

I've done the same to you

You didn't have a clue!

Go and act tough

I'll call your bluff"

Here in Duquesne Bay

Here in Duquesne Bay

Spelled Dus-Queenie Bay

Here in Trent

Here in Trent

Here in Trent

Trent, Trent, Trent, Trent, Trent!

We're not gunna pay rent

Cuz we're only visiting Trent

*"Oh, fuck this was bad. I've never even seen Rent. I don't know what it's about. It's like the housing crisis?"*

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ See episode 320: Me Did Not Write That
2. ↑ See episode 332: Who Is Manure Again?
3. ↑ See episode 106: Wah, I'm an Iguana