Revelation Road 3: The Black Rider (GAM036)

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Revelation Road 3: The Black Rider*** (also known as ***The Black Rider: Revelation Road***) is the story of a of a small stretch of highway in Montana and that area's pivotal role in God's plan for the universe. Which
might sound weird, because there's supposed to be a main character that we established for two entire shitty prequels (that we watched) and he *does* do lots of stuff in this movie—the main character—but he literally will not matter.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because it's the only thing Eli doesn't masturbate to.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well if you thought to yourself "Man, I loved the first movie cause David A.R. White snuck *Jason Bourne* into his trailer, and I loved the second movie because he snuck *Jason Bourne* and also *Mad Max: Fury Road* into his trailer, then you're gonna *love* the third movie, because he also snuck a LL Bean catalogue into his trailer because that is how everyone will be dressed.

### **Best Worst**

* Eli: …Kevin Sorbo. [Eli could do an entire weekly podcast on his twelve lines.]
* Noah: …kneepads. [Vital fashion accessories for the apocalypse.]
* Thomas: …Christian-movie-induced health conditions. [The damage caused by this trilogy is, sadly, how Thomas lost his feet.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Thomas (the first ever returning guest masochist) on *Thomas and the Bible*, *Opening Arguments*, *Serious Inquiries Only*, and *Philosophers in Space*.
* The third of the *Revelation Road* series, preceded by *Revelation Road: The Beginning of the End* and *Revelation Road 2: The Sea of Glass and Fire*. And, good news, David has [reportedly] been filming a whole show continuing (or possibly rebooting) the series!
* You can actually see some behind the scenes action of filming in Happy, Texas on YouTube.

### **Jokes**

* [Noah: But, oh no, he comes back, and now she's caught, and she's screaming, and he's gonna tablesaw her face off? Is that—is this the most efficient… murder?] [Eli: Yeah. A man who was *just* holding a hunting knife *two* seconds ago is like, "I think I'm gonna go with table saw."] [Noah: We're *in* his *murder* shed. We're in his evil murder shed, and the best—] [Heath: "What about a lathe? What about a lathe? What if smooth her face a little bit, like an ellipse?"] [Eli: A jigsaw. "Would just mind lying across this thing, and I'm just going to slowly push you forward into this?"]

### **Interstitials**

* Suggestions for Pure Flix Originals (7:09)
* TJ Mad Max (1:15:00)
* Fuck, This Book is Boring and Stupid (1:15:34)
* Oh, I'm Not a Doctor (1:15:53)
* Extra Interstitial (2:05:22) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* And Then the Apocalypse Happens
* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Crazy Billionaire Money
* Looks Like…
* Nothing Happens
* Secret Jesus
* Vaguely Heard of Jesus

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Sofia and "Morpheus in a Blanket" were captured by Somali pirates.
* Noah forgot to write this part this week. Sorry.
* Those two people in the airplane went back to the terrifying LL Bean catalogue that they came from.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDb