GIVE ME MY NAME BACK

i tried sci-fi :,)

inspired by a keyboard suggestion poem I made a long time ago >:)

I am actually working very hard on this, so if you have any constructive criticism, i encourage you to share it! Pls help i suck at science fiction-

## i - in which the sandwich instead draws 24 cards

Once upon a time, in which nowhere is everywhere and Amazon owns a castle, there is a man named Insert Name. He is the laughingstock of his office as his parents were awfully forgetful and ceased to enter a name on their child’s birth certificate, as well as the fact that Insert is nine feet tall and as light as a feather.

Insert Name lives an odd but reasonably average life- such so the normality that I need not list off what he does as it is so boring and average that the reader might as well put down this story and leave as it is the most generic of things and literally nobody cares.

Insert Name does not make enough money for himself and still lives with his parents. Insert Name was also seen buying a yacht last Friday and came back the next day wearing designer socks which cost a measly 6 grand per pair.

This is because last Monday, Insert Name was driven off of a cliff by his assistant, who promptly stole his undefined name and then became Insert Name.

His assistant is also a robot.

This robot is also the president of Antarctica. Don’t think I mentioned that.

Insert Name’s parents are otherworldly proud of him. His whole life, Insert Name was a failure… up until last Monday. And what a Monday it was! The new president of Antarctica, living in their home.

…They weren’t talking to the real Insert Name at all.

## ii - in which the monster becomes Billy and Billy becomes a velociraptor

Its voice was the same warm monotone it always was. It was intended to sound calm, because, you know, it wouldn’t make you feel very good if you came home to your assistant screaming, for example, “YOU HAVE 466 NEW MESSAGES!!”.

In some ways that was good, because Insert Name was very good at panicking when he saw anyone else panicking.

Then again, the lack of emotion in its manmade voice made its words no less terrifying.

“Haha! Ha.” the android driving said nonchalantly. The woods around the car plummeted behind them, the gravel path spraying loudly behind the wheels. “There is nothing you can do. You will be gone in three minutes and thirty five seconds.”

“Why do you even want to be me? I don’t even have a name to take!” Insert wailed, bent over in his seat from his sheer height, the seat belt immobilizing.

“Insert Name.” it said. “From my data, I understand that once I become president of Antarctica, it will grow popular, and by 5-8 years it will become a common name a-”

“WHO’S GOING TO NAME THEIR KID ‘INSERT NAME’?!” He shouted over the rest of its words.

The android shrugged. “Men and women like your mother and father.”

Insert Name paused, then sighed. “That is true.” He turned away. “This isn’t even my car. I don’t even have a car.”

“You do not.”

After a moment, watching the trees blur and immersed in the engine's unnaturally vicious roar, he stopped, brows furrowing, and looked back around. “You do know that Antarctica has been claimed by quite a few countries now-”

“Insert Here Name,” the android said abruptly, making Insert grimace at the sound of his full name. “Do you want to hear a joke?”

He tilted his head against the roof, looking bewildered. “No?”

The android pushed harder on the gas pedal, flinging the speed dial past what proclaimed to be the max and letting the wheels churn the air around them. “You are hilarious.” it said tonelessly. Then it cleared its throat and it unlocked the door as they approached the cliff edge. Insert Name remembered that, with his life savings, when he had bought this to-be nightmare, he had asked for a parachute equipped in it. You know, because it sounded funny.

He really regretted it now.

The car flung off the edge, and his assistant opened the door, the air screeching around them, and turned to him for one last moment.

Androids had gotten pretty advanced in the last few years. Not only were they able to look almost exactly like humans and mimic most facial expressions, but he had heard that they could grin now. He didn’t think that was a thing, but it was definitely grinning. “What did the chicken say when it crossed over to the other side?”<And there were jokes like this.

“THAT’S NOT FUNNY!” Insert Name screamed, but his words fell on deaf ears. It was already gone.

. . .