Old Animals’ Club

Aesop, The second oldest member

The Old Animals’ Club was a club founded in 2017 or 2018 as an exclusive club for aged animals. It was founded by Jonathan the turtle, however he was rapidly succeeded by Arthur, also a turtle, who raised the joining age to 400,000 years old. Arthur was succeeded by Arnold, who raised the joining age to 600,000, he was soon succeeded by Matilda, who raised the joining age to 700,000. From 2018 - 2019, the animals believed to be the oldest active members were Eternal snails, the oldest of whom, Henrietta (eternal snail), was believed to be 95 billion. Between March 2028 to July 2018, the position of leader changed many times and over 200 creatures served as leader in just that 4 month period, the majority of them Eternal snails in April, with others being Nargactals, Coelacanths (CP), Ngonu Ngonu, Ndugu Ndugu, Slow Worms (SP) and Axolotls (AP), who served as leaders between April and July. This period of many leaders in a short space of time came to an end in July 2018, after the discovery of 93 rnonillion year old cabbage, Jean, who remained as leader until she was killed by PinkDowlg in 2019, at which point she was succeeded by her younger sister, 91 nonilion year old Toyah. Jean once again became leader upon her resurrection in October 2019, but in 2020, she was succeeded by her father, an unnamed tomato who is commonly known as the Old Tomato due to his great age of 99 nonillion. Following his death on the 26th July 2020, he was succeeded by Dalai Gartok, a cosmic animal who is also aged 99 nonillion. He served as leader until April 2021, when the Old Tomato resurrected himself and returned as leader, but this was not known by Earth creatures until June 2021, when the Old Tomato was rediscovered by gerontologists and not known by the wider population until the 4th July 2021, when his resurrection was revealed by journalist Oswald (ostrich). Like his predecessor, the Old Tomato did not care and likely did not know about his position in the Old Animals’ Club, though he was aware of his status as the oldest living creature. The Old Tomato served as leader until the 20th July 2021, when he was once again killed. He was again succeeded by Dalai Gartok, who has had no contact with Earth animals since September 2020. Several species have been active members of the Old Animals’ Club, including jellyfish, frogs, but most important in its early days, turtles. The Old Animals’ Club was notorious for their treatment of “young”, anyone under the joining age who knocked on their door was locked in a cave until they reached the required age of entry. The animals imprisoned have were quickly released, on the orders of then world leader Peter the Pike. In 2019, Eternal snails and Nargactals were retroactively expelled from the Old Animals’ Club after it was discovered they were the decedents of Earth snails who Ben transported back in time. Following the discovery of many, much older animals, the Old Animals’ Club functionally dissolved and ceased its activity as all its remaining members barricaded themselves into caves and planned to stay there until they were at least 95 nonillion years old. The former members of the Old Animals’ Club remain in the caves they barricaded themselves into. In 2020, several species which were former members were retroactively expelled from the Old Animals’s Club, these species were: Coelacanths (CP), Slow Worms (SP), Axolotls (AP), Tortoises (TP), Foxes (FP) and Jacob (cockroach) after it was discovered that they were also descendants of Earth species transported back in time.

As none of the leaders of the Old Animals’ Club since Matilda have enacted any policies or changed any of the club rules, the rules and policies enacted by her still govern the management of the club. These rules state the joining age was to be “not significantly below the age of the oldest animal” and that the “oldest animal alive at the time is recognised as the leader retroactively, whether they were known about or not at the time”. The rules also state that “any members not above the new joining age shall be officially expelled from the club, retroactively removed from any membership lists and detained until they reach the joining age, at which point they be readmitted.” This rule has led to a paradox, as under these rules Matilda would not be regarded as the club leader or a club member, so the rules enacted by her would be null and void, which would mean that any rule designating the official leader would be null and void, meaning that all subsequent leader, whether active or titular had no basis in the club rules for their leadership. Additionally, as the rules were null and void, Matilda would not required to follow them and therefore may have been eligible to become a member or leader, which would make the rules she enacted official, once again leading to the conclusion that she was ineligible to be the club leader. As the current titular leader of the Old Animals’ Club and the other members have no interest and likely no awareness of the club and the formerly active members are currently barricaded in caves, this paradox is not a practical issue, nor is it likely to become such for almost 95 nonillion years, if at all.

In 2020, an animal visited Matilda in the cave she had barricaded herself into to speak to her, she responded aggressively, informing him that she was not permitted to speak with or interact with anyone until she had reached the age of 95 nonillion. The animal then left and there have been no further known incidents of former members of the Old Animals’ Club interacting with the outside world. It is unknown if the former members of the Old Animals’ Club are aware of the death of the former titular leader of the club, the Old Tomato or the discovery of the age of the club’s current titular leader, Dalai Gartok. As of April 2021, all known formerly active members of the Old Animals’ Club, remain in the caves they blockaded themselves into several years ago, unaware and unaffected by the multiple disasters, wars and regime changes since 2018, including the widespread devastation that killed trillions of animals, perpetrated by their then titular leader, the Old Tomato, in July 2019.

Note: This is a list of individuals who were believed to be the leader at the time of the dates stated, as the Old Animals’ Club operates by the principle that the oldest animal in the universe is its leader, the number of leaders has been retroactively amended to two: The Old Tomato & the present leader Dalai Gartok, who each served as leader twice. In addition to this, all Eternal Snails, Nargactals, Coelacanths, Slowworms & Axolotls have been retroactively removed as members of the Old Animals’ Club since it was discovered they were descended from Earth animals transported from the future. Due to Matilda‘s retroactive removal as leader (according to her own rules), a paradox has arisen regarding whether her rules are valid or not, as them being valid would retroactively nullify her leadership, thus nullifying her rules, thus making her eligible to be leader again, thus bringing her rules back into effect, thus nullifying her leadership. This issue has not yet been resolved and is not likely to be so as Matilda is currently in a cave, where she plans to stay for almost 95 nonillion years and the current members are unaware or uninterested in the Old Animals’ Club.

List of current members of the Old Animals’ Club as of 21st July 2021
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