Viaje Terrestre de Wario y Toad/Original Story

For a few brief moments, the tumbleweed on the side of the highway rolled fast enough to keep up with the purple Cadillac convertible as it sped down the open roads. For a few brief moments, the mushroom headed individual in the back seat was distracted by the movement of nature alongside the vehicle, almost enough to forget about his problems. But soon, the tumbleweed was left in the dust, unable to keep pace with the fast moving car. Just like the tumbleweed, peace of mind felt like it was gone to never return. Toad sighed to himself, and in a weird way was thankful. Thankful, at least, that the car had no windows. Were he to look into glass, he would certainly see Toadette beside him in the cruel reflection.
Wario breathed for a very different reason. His was a hearty sigh, meant to help him absorb the clean air and exhilarating wind of the Mexican desert. His custom-colored ride was the only part of human society visible for miles and miles, with nothing but cacti and the occasional rock in its company. Wario, too, was thankful. But his appreciation was solely because he was able to drive this time. The last time he was in the desert, he was balancing on a moving tire and jumping over timed obstacles in a rhythm mini game. Those were dark days, but the days were long past.
The pair had been silent for so long that an abrupt shout over the loud breeze crashing against them was enough to startle Toad. "So we're gonna be there in a few minutes. Whatcha thinkin about, pal?"
Wario could see Toad looking at him through the side mirrors of the car. "I'm just hoping that this isn't some empty promise and that you really meant what you said."
Wario popped open the lid to a can of Georgia tea, imported directly from Japan, and quenched his thirst with a sequence of several enormous gulps. He wiped off his lips with a sliding motion across his mouth with his arm, and answered the question directed at him. "I'm tellin ya, Toad; this one's for real. This one's for all the marbles. This is the opportunity chumps like you an me have been waitin for."
Toad tapped his fingers against the side of the metal door at his side. "You're really telling me you think money will solve all of our problems?"
Wario laughed and slapped the dashboard. "Toad, I studied politics in college. I know how this typea shit works."
Silently, Toad gave himself a pep talk in his mind. He wasn't going to be the loser Toadette thought he was. He wasn't going to let his life be defined by a messy breakup. He was going to keep his lewd fantasies in check this time, and getting the money to make a new life for himself was the first step in growing out of his sexual deviancy. "Alright. So what all do I need to know before we get this all started?"
Wario sniffed. "You ever use a gun before?"
Toad was taken aback. "What?"
Wario swirled his steering wheel and took a sharp diagonal turn off of the main road. The car went down a series of hills, each one bumpier than the last. Toad's seat belt barely kept him from flying out of the car from all of the violent motion. "Serious, Wario, what the hell are you talking about?"
The car reached flat ground, about ten feet lower elevation than the road above had been on. Toad could see a cave in the far distance, and Wario's foot pressed the pedal more dramatically. Their speed was increasing to uncomfortable levels. In front of the cave was a roadblock-style barrier set up to prevent entering, and stationed by its sides at the entrance was a tall man on one side and a pianta on the other. Both of them wore sunglasses, seemed to be dressed sharply, and had thick and visible tattoos on their arms and faces.
Toad's became horrified upon realizing the driver of the car wasn't going to stop. The two men outside of the cave had long noticed the approaching vehicle and had draw weapons. Before they had time to fire, they reached the same realization as Toad, and they jumped out of the way so as to not be run over. Wario's car exploded through the barricade, and he immediately dropped his clutch to change gears. With complex use of the emergency break and the wheel, Wario drifted into a 360 degree spin. The car stopped on a dime, facing directly towards the opening of the cave they had just entered, though not before the spinning car hit a goomba and sent him flying.
"Wario, where is this? What are we doing?!"
"Can it, mushroom soup," Wario whispered, before throwing Toad an unregistered pistol. "Just follow my lead."
Wario dragged Toad behind some boxes to hide as a group of several more guards entered the area to find out what had happened, one of them human, and the other two rexes. Wario snuck out from his hiding place in order to grab and choke the nearest man, knocking him out. He held up the unconscious body as a shield so the other two couldn't fire at him, and he spun the body around like a helicopter blade to smash and throw all three of them away. "Have a ROTTEN day, bitches."
The two friends could hear voices come from deeper in the cave, so Wario moved quickly. He lead Toad to a room in the back where they found two koopas in hazmat suits who immediately drew weapons on them. Wario charged through both of them with his shoulder and knocked them out, then handed Toad a gigantic bag. "Stash as much coke and meth as you can fit in the sack, my man."
"Wario what the FUCK," Toad whined, his voice scratching from the volume of his shout.
"Less talking and more stashing. You do the stashing, I do the cashing," he laughed as he began to fill his own bag with gold coins and stacks of paper bills, some of the bills covered in blood splatters.
"WE'RE ROBBING A FUCKING DRUG CARTEL?!??"
Wario chuckled as he tied his sack closed. "Hey, I didn't say it would be EASY money. Just a whole lot of it."
A blooper and cheep cheep entered the room, both wrapped in gang apparel and with tattoos and bandanas. "Llévalos!" they cried.
They started to flop around the room wildly and randomly, being out of the water and all. Wario kept funneling spoils into his bags with laughter. "Take a look, Toad. This here? This is the good shit."
Wario grabbed Toad and ran right past them and back to the car. In one of the various winding hallways of the cave, Wario ran right into another cartel member, knocking them both down. The man looked right at the intruders in front of him. "Wario?! Toad!!?"
"Waluigi!" Wario shouted, "What in the blue shell are you doing here?"
Birdo was there with him. The two of them were dressed up as if they were in the gang. "Undercover special forces, bro!" Waluigi shouted as Birdo helped the two thieves to their feet. "Seems like you did our job for us! Let's get out of here!"
The four friends jumped into Wario's car and they were out of the cave within seconds. Birdo threw a bob-omb back into the cave as they made their escape, and the bob-omb threw a grenade into the cave and then ran back and jumped into the car with them. Most of the cave collapsed in the explosion, but not before many of the cartel members could escape. They began pursuing the purple car with a variety of vehicles such as motorcycles, dune-buggies, and off-roaders.
"Waluigi, cousin, give us some cover fire, will ya?" Wario instructed.
"I dropped my weapon when you bumped into me you big oaf."
Wario rolled his eyes. "Alright, fellas," he groaned, standing up in his seat and facing backwards, using his foot to keep the wheel steady for moment. "Somebody drive for me, I'll handle this."
Waluigi reached over from the passenger seat to grasp the wheel with his lanky-ass arms. "I got this, go for it man."
Wario pulled out an AR-15 and began spreading bullet fire in a slow moving fan from one side of the desert to the other, sending several of the chasing vehicles up in flames. "Go to hell motherfuckers! Waaaaahahahaha!"
The chase ran neck and neck, with thick tension, as Toad convulsed in terrified shakes. "You're gonna be fine, you're gonna be fine," he repeated to himself endlessly.
Before he knew it, the chase was over, and Wario's car was parked safely deep into the desert, having escaped the tailing gang. Wario threw the bags onto the sand to reveal his spoils. "Take a look at THIS Toad, we're gonna be rich!"
Waluigi's eyes popped in surprise. "What? We have to give this to the government for confiscation," he argued.
Wario eyed his friend aggressively. "No way, pal. This is my buddy Toad and my big break right here."
Birdo looked at Waluigi. "Weren't we just going to take off with the drugs and money anyway?"
Waluigi stepped back in shocked betrayal. "I can't believe you guys!"
The tall man leaned over to begin picking the drugs and money up to put back in the bags. "What do you think you're doing!?" Wario shouted, grabbing his friend by the collar and pushing him away. "Best step off if ya know what's good for ya."
The two men went at it, fighting it out in the desert heat. Eventually Waluigi pulled out a knife to use as a deterrent to the violence. "Look, man! Stop playin around!"
Birdo held up a pistol she had taken from Wario's car. "Chill the FUCK out guys. Let's just split the goods and get out of here!"
"Fuck that, I'm not sharing!" Wario cried, pulling a gun of his own.
Birdo turned the safety off on the gun. "You greasy motherfucker!"
"Guys, wasn't Toad here with us?" Waluigi asked in surprise.
Sure enough, Toad had taken the money and was long gone. He had run as fast and as far as his tiny mushroom manlet legs would take him. He rolled endlessly through the miles and miles of sand until he was sure they could no longer follow him.
He pulled out his cellphone. "Hey, Luigi? Can you come get me? I think I fucked up," he pleaded.
"Sure, buddy, where are ya?" the voice on the phone replied.
"I think I'm about four miles west of Durango?" he assumed.
"No problem. I'll be there in ten minutes," Luigi promised, before his voice became quieter as if he were talking to someone else in the room. "DK, go get the car started!"
Toad fell onto the ground from exhaustion as soon as his phone call finished. He just had to wait a while for salvation, and after that he could figure out what the hell do do to get out of this mess he had put himself into. But with the amount of money he carried, there was hope for the future, at least. He could fund his education, get a new job, buy a house... maybe Toadette would take him back, even.
He looked at the bag he was holding, only to realize it had a hole in the bottom and was empty.
Toad laughed uproarously for what felt like hours. He beat his fist against the ground repeatedly, laughing so hard that his tears were streaming from his face and sizzling against the sand below him. Lacking the energy to stay up any longer, he planted his face onto the ground as well. He laid in silence for quite some time.
Toad finally calmed down enough to the point where he face became deadly serious. He rolled onto his back and looked up into the sky. In stubborn defiance of the whirlwind gauntlet of a day he had gone through, he had one thing he could firmly say with pride.

  "What if this happened to you."