Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 2

DO NOT PROTECT THIS PAGE (UNLESS I HAVE ADMINISTRATOR BACK) IN CASE I NEED TO EDIT PAGE ACCORDINGLY DUE TO POSSIBLE CHANGES IN THE DOCUMENT. Refer to the disclaimers in Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 1 for more information on why this page exists. It's important. But the gist is, I want to archive it/save my work somewhere, and please don't read if you want to wait until I release the finished product. Thank you.

*Pages 26-50*

You won't need to use the ROPE to escape through the window. There is a fire escape stairway.

You climb on to the generator, out the window, and on to the stairs.

The generator is chugging away. It is fueled by potent grain alchohol. Its fuel gauge is at 80%.

> AD: Go down stairs. (00158)

The stairs end at the roof of an adjacent building. There is a pulley on the other side. There is a small skylight window on the center of the roof.

> AD: Look in window. (00159)

It's Pickle Inspector, the poor sap trapped in his office by that petty bastard, Problem Sleuth. He is currently in his fort.

There is no light in his office. His skylight window must not be powered.

You suddenly feel weird about standing on the other side of an unpowered window. You feel as though there will probably be metaphysical consequences.

(The world suddenly goes dark and cloudy.)

A frightening beast appears!!!

> PS: Alert Pickle Inspector to turn on his window. (00160)

You have a feeling your portly ally is in trouble somehow. You pound against the wall, but the Inspector is in his fort, off in his own world.

> PS: Drink whiskey and go into fort. (00161)

You decide to take the matter up with him directly.

You take a healthy swig from your FLASK OF WHISKEY to boost your IMAGINATION, and duck into the old fort.

> AD: Address this beast situation. (00162)

(How will you do that?)

> AD: Appease the beast by doing the truffle shuffle. (00162.5)

In a stirring homage to the tubby boy "Chunk" in The Goonies, you lift your shirt and produce the most blubber-jostling jig you can muster.

You are quickly slain by the hungry beast.

> GO BACK

> AD: Appease the beast by doing the truffle shuffle. No, wait, never mind. (00163)

You really like The Goonies, and you think the beast probably does too, but you think a little restraint is called for in this situation.

> AD: Use your KEYS to kill the beast. (00164)

You squeeze the trigger of your TOMMY GUN and fill the creature with lead.

The beast is unfazed! You are down to only 5% ammo, and you doubt the remainder of your bullets will finish off the encroaching monster.

> AD: Get the fuck out of here!!! (00165)

You run up the stairs into the safety of your window.

> AD: Vomit up key. (00166)

You can't just vomit things on command! That's ridiculous.

On the other hand, when there's liquor in your system, that's a different story…

> AD: Take a healthy swig of whiskey to restore some vim. (00167)

Well, ok, it's not whiskey, but you decide to open your CRUET OF BRANDY and throw back a stiff belt.

The alcohol has no effect on your VIM characteristic. But it quickly maxes out your crude little IMAGINATION gauge.

The room starts spinning. You'll need to duck into a safe place to expend the IMAGINATION fast.

> AD: Go into fort. (00168)

You are standing in your imaginary office.

You can hardly believe how shitty your imagination is.

> AD: Pick up poorly drawn gun. (00169)

You pick up the SHITTY GUN. You'd be shocked if it worked at all.

> AD: Head over to PI's place for imaginary mixer. (00170)

Problem Sleuth is already there, trying to get into the locked office.

> AD: Knock furiously on the door. (00171)

You shatter the glass with your beefy fist.

> AD: Look inside. (00172)

It is Pickle Inspector's imaginary office. He sure knows how to live it up.

He uses his potent imaginitive powers to replace the broken door with one of solid steel.

Problem Sleuth is gone. He probably went downstairs.

> AD: Follow him. (00173)

You find Problem Sleuth on the street. He is rounding up items scattered on the street and tying them to the magnetic tape.

It looks like he brought down a LARGE BAG OF CANDY CORN from his office. He may have considered tying it to the tape, but it is too heavy to be hauled up through the window. It probably will need to be hauled up by something stronger, like a rope. Perhaps one slung around a pulley…

> PS: Send tape up with hammer and phone part. (00174)

You let go of the tape. It is reeled in through the window with the items.

Unfortunately, the HAMMER catches on the window's power cord and unplugs it.

A terrifying beast appears!!!

You are both armed with imaginary weapons and ready for melee.

> PS: Get that dog-walking gentleman to help you out. (00175)

The gentleman appear to be a brainless nonentity!!!

> AD: Use half-dead body as a bait for that monster. (00176)

BATTLE TECHNIQUE: TORSO FLAIL

The beast gobbles the torso. He is temporarily placated by the red meat.

> AD and PS: fire at will! (00177)

Your imaginary guns seem to be no more effective than pea shooters. Ace's bullets barely manage to clear the barrel.

The beast suffers minimal damage.

> AD: Get closer to the beast and fire. (00178)

You stand on the cinderblocks and take aim.

Your piece of shit gun jams and explodes.

The beast takes significant damage. Ace Dick loses an imaginary life.

Ace Dick has returned to the physical plane.

You are feeling nauseous from the earlier boost to your IMAGINATION. You puke.

> Check on imaginary battle. (00179)

Problem Sleuth has been slain by the beast.

You wake up from your imaginary boss battle with a very real hangover.

You quickly drink some coffee to restore your VIM.

> PS: Plug window back in, examine loot tied to tape. (00180)

The recording device reeled in the PHONE RECEIVER and the HAMMER.

> PS: Put your phone back together. (00181)

Finally, you can field some phone calls from flustered broads!

You put the HAMMER in your inventory.

> PS: Call PI with newly assembled phone. (00182)

You don't know Pickle Inspector's number, or if he even has a phone. Besides, your rotary dial appears to have strange symbols on it rather than numbers.

You vaguely recall seeing somewhere the sequence of symbols, STAR - HEART - HORSESHOE. However, you can't quite remember the symbols STAR - HEART - HORSESHOE. You will need the piece of paper with STAR - HEART - HORSESHOE written on it if you wish to remember the sequence STAR - HEART - HORSESHOE.

> AD: Search through your vomit to find your key. (00183)

You pick up the SMALL KEY.

> AD: Check if the key works on the lock in the safe room. (00184)

You unlock the lock and open the door. Powerful fumes waft into your nostrils.

> PS: Use hammer to pry boards off door in safe room. (00185)

You pry at the boards with the HAMMER.

But before you can pry any off, the door swings open, away from the boards. It seems the boards never actually served to obstruct the door in the first place.

> AD and PS: Examine rooms. (00186)

You are now Pickle Inspector.

> Look around room. (00187)

You examine your surroundings. Your door is blocked by something. Judging from the marks on the door, it looks like you attempted to open it with some sort of weapon.

There is a HAIRPIN on the floor.

> Pick up hairpin. (00188)

You equip the HAIRPIN.

> Ok, sweet. (00189)

Armed with the MACHINE GUN, you are an unstoppable murdering machine. The heavy weapon is perfect for sating that burning desire to fill something with hot lead.

You drop the MACHINE GUN. Your VIM characteristic is way too low to carry around such a heavy object.

> PI: Take a look out hole in door. (00190)

A trombone is wedged between the door and the wall. The horn is really rusty. It could use some serious polishing.

> PI: Replace the cover on the elf picture, it bothers you. (00191)

You try to push the safe closed, but it is too heavy! Your VIM is not nearly high enough.

You're not sure where the elf painting cover went. Perhaps an elf took it. Elves may or may not be real.

> PI: Eat Smarties to boost vim. (00192)

They are not Smarties, they are Tootsie Rolls!

> PI: Become homoerotically interested in your fan. (00193)

You attempt to woo your fan by turning it on. However, there is no electricity in your office presently.

There is a card taped to the fan.

> PI: Look at card. (00194)

"GLASS BLOWERS INC.

OFFERING GLASS CREATIONS WITH NO EROTIC CONNOTATIONS WHATSOEVER SINCE 1905.

SERIOUSLY, WE JUST MAKE THINGS OUT OF GLASS.

1-800-BLOW-HARD"

You place the GLASS BLOWERS INC. CARD in your inventory.

> AH: Become homoerotically interested in your fan. (00195)

You will never control Andrew Hussie, nor will you ever have access to his realm. It is outside the comprehension of everyone you have controlled thus far, most likely because he is the sole creator of this world. The consequences of making him a "character" would be unimaginable, as well as rendering the entire point of this story null and void.

Not to mention that it's painstakingly dumb to assume that ALL of his fans would be adults old enough for "homoerotic interest."

> PS, AD, and PI: DANCE! (00196)

Yeah!!!

Ace Dick enters the back room.

There are a couple of stills. One is for making illicit liquor during the prohibition era. Another is for making another sort of substance, possibly also illicit. All of the liquor appears to have been stolen!

There are some HANDGUN BULLET(S) on the floor. There is also a target painted on the ceiling for some reason.

Loud swing music and lively footsteps are heard from the room above.

Problem Sleuth enters the back room.

It appears to be a storage room for various instruments. Mysteriously, most of the instruments have been plundered from the room. Hung on the wall are portraits of some legendary jazz musicians. You regard them with awe.

Loud swing music and lively footsteps are heard from the room above.

> PI: Take a hearty swig from mysterious bottles. (00197)

The first bottle contains ILLICIT MOONSHINE. The second bottle contains HOT SAUCE. The third bottle contains your own EXCREMENT saved up from prolonged office entrapment.

You would take a swig from one, but you seem to have misplaced your handy DRINKING IMPLEMENT.

> AD: Load keys and use on target on ceiling. (00198)

You pick up the HANGUN BULLET(S). They are not compatible with your TOMMY GUN. You will have to use the remainder of its ammo if you wish to fire it.

> AD: Ok, fire Tommy Gun at target. (00199)

You point the RING OF KEYS target-ward.

The room above is a busy speakeasy. The clients boisterously enjoy illicit libations.

There is a bust of the speakeasy's owner, the MOBSTER KINGPIN. He is obviously the scourge of this pseudo-prohibition era universe. Nobody fucks with him.

Bullets pierce the floor in a semi-circular pattern around the bust. The patrons flee in fright out the exit.

The exit is now barred through some automated security mechanism, probably to prevent meddlesome coppers from barging in.

The gunfire ignited the potent fumes from the stills. The room is on fire.

The RING OF KEYS is out of ammunition.

> PI: Break through glass in the door, dislodging the trombone. (00200)

You take a limp-wristed swing at the glass.

But it seems there is no glass in the door frame. You tumble through the opening.

You are in a small room with an elf. The elf possibly guards secrets. And a switch behind him.

> Ask the elf for wishes. (00201)

Your PULCHRITUDE is too low to command the loyalty of elves!!!

> PI: Leave. (00202)

You exit the small room through the door.

> PI: Search room for drinking implement! (00203)

You find the RUBBER TUBE under your HAT.

> PI: Look for a container to siphon the liquid into. (00204)

You retrieve your TEA SET from your fort. You had been keeping it in there to supplement your imaginative games of make-believe.

> PI: Siphon liquid. (00205)

You siphon some of the HOT SAUCE into the TEA POT.

You siphon some of the ILLICIT LIQUOR into a TEA CUP.

You decide to leave the SHIT where it is.

> PI: Take sip of HOT SAUCE. (00206)

You take a small sip from the TEA POT. Your VIM is boosted.

You begin to sweat profusely.

> PI: Add hairpin to inventory. (00207)

You equip the HAIRPIN.

The MACHINE GUN suddenly goes off. The lousy thing has a HAIRPIN trigger.

The bottles are shattered, leaving an UNPLEASANT SLURRY all over the floor.

You drop the MACHINE GUN. You are still too weak to wield it.

It goes off again, and the volatile concoction catches fire!!! Your office is on fire!!!

The SKYLIGHT above jostles. It pops out of place to reveal a SPRINKLER, which has been activated by the smoke.

The SPRINKLER douses the flames.

The SKYLIGHT dangles from its power cord, which is plugged into an outlet on the ceiling.

The water cools you off. Your VIM returns to normal.

> PS: Examine plaques beneath pictures. (00208)

1: Blind Willie "Buttermilk" Stubbs

2: Father "Blind Pappy" Ramblin' Jackson

3: Earl Stokes "Can't-see-a-damn" Molasses Fatts

Such extraordinary jazz legends. They bring a tear to your eye.

It seems they are without their instruments though.

> PS: Play beethoven's 'moonlight sonata' on the piano. (00209)

You can't remember the notes to that song!

Instead, you play an improvised rendition of a classic Buttermilk Stubbs composition. Things are really starting to cook!

Some icons beneath the plaques are revealed.

> PS: Go down the stairs; attempt to open door. AD: Go up the stairs; attempt to open door. (00210)

Both of the doors are blocked from the other side.

It appears someone has wedged an oboe between the doors.

> AD: Drink brandy and forget you are on fire. (00211)

You imbibe heavily to drown your conflagrative sorrows.

> AD: MC Hammer slide out of the room. (00212)

You enter your fort to escape the shrieking nightmare that has swallowed your life whole.

> PI: Add skylight to inventory. (00213)

You take the SKYLIGHT.

> PI: Drink some illicit moonshin and rush to your fort. (00214)

You take a sip. It only marginally boosts your already naturally high IMAGINATION stat. You will need to consume a much more powerful form of liquor if you wish to boost it much further.

You duck into the fort to escape the freezing downpour.

> PS

You hear your phone ringing from the other room.

> PS: Retrieve CLARINET, TRUMPET, and TUBA from secret room. (00215)

You gather up the horns.

Beneath the TUBA is a cartridge of TOMMY GUN MUNITION(S).

> PS: Use instruments on respective jazz musicians. (00216)

You supply the musicians with their horns.

A switch appears on the wall.

> PS: Throw the switch. (00217)

The power is activated in Pickle Inspector's office.

The fan turns on. The wind from the fan blows the safe shut.

The power in Problem Sleuth's office shuts off.

The phone is still ringing.

> PS: Tell dame on phone to call back; take slug of whiskey. (00218)

You answer the phone in a hard boiled manner. You explain to the woman gruffly that you'd love to help her out, sweetheart, but you're up to your neck in all this weird puzzle shit. You hang up.

> PS: Enter fort. (00219)

The dame explains into the dead receiver, please don't go, she's been trapped in her apartment for hours and needs help.

You enter your imaginary office, now with only two imaginary lives to spare. Try to be a little more careful this time.

> PS: Exit office. (00220)

Ace Dick and Pickle Inspector are having a chat. You wonder if they are talking about you.

> AD: Whisper to PI to rouse PS's curious suspicion. (00221)

Ace Dick is whispering something to the lanky fellow. You smell a plot. Your mind furiously sets to work on a way to disrupt their connivings.

> PS: Charge down hall shouting profanities and being silly. (00222)

This is the best plan you come up with.

The other two, inspired by your magnificent PULCHRITUDE, rally around you as a leader and follow you toward the exit.

You stop them, reminding them that there is a monster on the street, and they are terribly ill-equipped for the battle. You will all need better armaments.

> PS: Ask PI to conjure more powerful guns. (00223)

Pickle Inspector nods sagely. He'll see what he can do.

Problem Sleuth is armed with the CANDY CORN HANDGUN.

Ace Dick is armed with the TOOTSIE ROLL SHOTGUN.

Pickle Inspector is armed with the PEZ UZI.

> Pose as a team, because SHIT JUST GOT REAL. (00224)

You copy and paste your previous poses into a new file and animate the background rapidly.

> PI: Shoot Ace Dick in the face. (00225)

(The bullet just bounces off AD's face and into the ground.)

> All: Exit and begin candy-oriented assault! (00226)

The great beast is ready for battle with a replenished health bar.

Fast-paced organ music and a haunting vocal chorus accompanies your epic struggle.

The beast makes a preemptive assault on your party's leader!!!

Your AUTO-PARRY kicks in. You avoid the savage lunge with your SLEUTH ROLL.

> PS: [BATTLE MENU] (00227)

"PS

INSULIN LVL - LOW-AVERAGE

ANIMAL COMMUNION - 11/14

ELF TEARS - 0/12

OPTIONS

-AGGRESS

-BATTLE TECHNIQUE

-COMBAT OPERANDI

-PERSUADE

-MOLLIFY

-ABSCOND"

You open your BATTLE MENU and select "AGGRESS".

You fire your CANDY CORN HANDGUN at the monster. It takes heavy damage from the projectile treats.

> PI: [BATTLE MENU] (00228)

"PI

INSULIN LVL - HIGH-AVERAGE

ANIMAL COMMUNION - 5/14

ELF TEARS - 1/6

OPTIONS

-AGGRESS

-BATTLE TECHNIQUE

-COMBAT OPERANDI

-PERSUADE

-MOLLIFY

-ABSCOND"

You follow Problem Sleuth's lead and riddle the beast with high-powered rounds of PEZ.

> AD: [BATTLE MENU] (00229)

"AD

INSULIN LVL - AVERAGE

ANIMAL COMMUNION - 1/14

ELF TEARS - 0/1

OPTIONS

-AGGRESS

-BATTLE TECHNIQUE

-COMBAT OPERANDI

-PERSUADE

-MOLLIFY

-ABSCOND"

Ace Dick cocks the TOOTSIE ROLL SHOTGUN and strikes a BRUTAL AFFRONT for massive damage!!!

The beast is slain.

> Reap spoils of battle. (00230)

VICTORIOUS MOMENT

PROBLEM SLEUTH GAINED A LEVEL!

IMAGINATION: +1

PULCHRITUDE: +5

VIM: +1

PROBLEM SLEUTH ACCRUED BATTLE TECHNIQUE: SLEUTH DIPLOMACY

PROBLEM SLEUTH CAN COMMUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING ANIMAL(S):

WEASELS

ACE DICK GAINED A LEVEL!

IMAGINATION: +0

PULCHRITUDE: +0

VIM: +6

ACE DICK INCREASED STOMACH CAPACITY BY 0.4 LITRES.

ACE DICK INCREASED STOMACH CAPACITY BY 0.5 LITRES.

ACE DICK INCREASED STOMACH CAPACITY BY 0.75 LITRES.

ACE DICK ACHIEVED LEVEL 18 STOMACH PROWESS.

ACE DICK ACCRUED COMBAT OPERANDI: BELLY OF THE WHALE

PICKLE INSPECTOR GAINED A LEVEL!

IMAGINATION: +10

PULCHRITUDE: +2

VIM: +0

PICKLE INSPECTOR LEARNED HOW TO IMAGINE THE FOLLOWING ITEM(S):

JAW BREAKER CANNON

GUMMY BEAR I.E.D.

PEANUT BRITTLE DUMBWAITER

ACE DICK GAINED A LEVEL!

IMAGINATION: +0

PULCHRITUDE: -3

VIM: +8

ACE DICK ACCRUED BATTLE TECHNIQUE: LV. 2 TRUFFLE SHUFFLE

THE BEAST DROPPED ARTIFACT: POLISHED HORN

> PS: Jump onto monster's legs. (00231)

The torso cavity is mushy and warm. It makes for a comfortable bucket seat.

> PS: Use legs like power armor and stroll around city. (00232)

Problem Sleuth goes for a stroll.

> PI: Examine POLISHED HORN. (00233)

Its lustre is arresting; its mysteries, unfathomable.

You place the POLISHED HORN in your inventory.

> PI: Get imaginary candy corn. (00234)

You pick up the BAG OF CANDY CORN.

> PI: Conjure peanut brittle dumbwaiter. (00235)

(Albeit being made of peanut brittle, the imaginary universe allows it to function as a normal dumbwaiter, which grants them access to PI's roof.)

> AD: Take dog from man. (00236)

You take the UGLY DOG.

> PS: Summon weasel king. (00237)

You do not have enough ELF TEARS to summon the WEASEL KING!

> PI, AD: Go up dumbwaiter, into AD's window. (00238)

You cannot go up the stairs to Ace's office. The path is blocked by a frightening beast!

> PS: Use monster legs to jump up to compatriots. (00239)

Sensing your compatriots are in trouble, you decide to use your powerful legs to leap into battle.

But something distracts you. A light coming from that store front. And music.

It is a dancer, spinning to the tune of a music box.

An unfamiliar face looms large behind it.

> AD: One word–Belly of the Whale. (00240)

You would use COMBAT OPERANDI: BELLY OF THE WHALE with gusto, however your cache of ELF TEARS is dry as a bone!

The beast makes an unexpected pounce!

Pickle Inspector employs a successful AUTO-PARRY, with the technique PICKLE DISTRACTION.

> AD: truffle shuffle level 2!! (00241)

You show the beast what you, and fat kids everywhere, are made of.

(AD progressively goes faster as he dances, enough to have the gusto of attack against the beast.)

The beast suffers minimal damage.

Ace Dick is slain.

> PS: Investigate the window. (00242)

The dancer in the window stops spinning. The window goes dark.

(Predictably, the space around PS grows dark and cloudy. A beast appears, and it is way bigger than the other two.)

> PI: Imagine Jawbreaker Cannon. (00243)

(The Jawbreaker Cannon is conjured.)

> PI: Fire! (00244)

The JAW BREAKER CANNON inflicts a SAVAGE UPBRAID for 100x damage!!!

The beast is defeated.

PICKLE INSPECTOR GAINED A LEVEL!

IMAGINATION: +12

PULCHIRTUDE: +1

VIM: -4

PICKLE INSPECTOR ACCRUED BATTLE TECHNIQUE: LV. 5 DISCONCERTING OGLE

THE BEAST DROPPED ARTIFACT: BURNISHED HORN

> PS: Use legs to imitate creature's mating dance. (00245)

You strut your stuff with some fancy footwork.

Problem Sleuth is slain.

> BEAST: Put on hat. (00246)

(The BEAST picks up PS's hat and puts it on top of his head, which is much larger than the hat's intended head size.)

> PI: Take horn. (00247)

You acquire the BURNISHED HORN.

> PI: Hurry upstairs! (00248)

You speed toward Ace's office to make sure he's alright.

Your imaginary body cannot be sustained on the material plane!

Pickle Inspector loses an imaginary life.

Ace Dick is nowhere to be found.

Ace Dick suffers the unpleasant aftermath of his IMAGINATION binge.

The flames in the still room are doused by a large volume of VOMIT.

Problem Sleuth quenches his hangover with the remainder of the COFFEE.

Pickle Inspector returns to the material plane. The office is flooded. The outlet's electricity is shorted out.

Water spills into the small ELF CHAMBER.

One of the elves playing poker waves at you. He seems to beckon for you to join them.

> PI: Forget the degenerate gamblers and save the drowning elf (00249)

It is too late for him. There is nothing you can do.

> PI: Stick hairpin in outlet (00250)

This would be a horrible idea even under the best of circumstances.

You pick up the HAIRPIN anyway.

> PS: Go retrieve UNPLEASANT NOTE from dumbwaiter room. (00251)

"PROBLEM SLEUTH IS OK

SORT OF"

It looks like an apology note from Ace Dick, or something approximating an apology. Maybe he wants to bury the hatchet after all these years. The mollification is likely on account of your high PULCHRITUDE stat.

This reminds you, now that Pickle Inspector's safe is closed, you can go read that note again.

> PS: Go look through mural holes. (00252)

Sure enough, there is the note. You can now remember the sequence STAR - HEART - HORSESHOE.

You hear the safe opening from the other side…

(Pickle Inspector has stuck two tootsie rolls on their respective sides of his face to make the "TOOTSIE ROLL FRANKENSTEIN" act. The rightmost tootsie roll falls out of his face, probably because of the water.)

You topple backwards and crush your fort.

> PI: Dammit, this is no time for shenanigans! Stop the water! (00253)

There is no way to turn it off. You will suffer the same fate as that poor elf if you stay much longer.

> PI: Join the elves. (00254)

You duck into the elves' lair for sanctuary. They activate the emergency shutter to seal off the room.

The elves introduce themselves. ROPO, ZOBO, FOKO, and BLOD all sit around a table playing cards, while strategizing against a common enemy.

You are a little nervous. You dip your head politely to your new hosts.

> PI: Look underneath table. (00255)

You spy a small hatch on the floor.

ROPO must insist you cease your snooping. Maybe someone with more PULCHRITUDE could persuade him to see reason.

> PI: Threaten elves with hairpin to make them cry. (00256)

Despite your most aggressive showing, the elves remain unmoved.

They are obviously emotionally stalwart creatures. Totally implacable.

BLOD notices a pornographic playing card has slipped into the deck. He begins to cry.

> PI: Collect elf tears. (00257)

You harvest the ELF TEARS in your TEA CUP.

> PI: Plug skylight into power outlet. (00258)

The small portal lights up.

You accidentally drop the HAIRPIN through it. The heavy object shatters the glass.

> PS: Dial STAR-HEART-HORSESHOE on phone. (00259)

The face of the phone opens, revealing a hidden chamber. There is a piece of paper inside.

> PS: Take paper. (00260)

It is sheet music for the song Moonlight Sonata.

You place the SHEET MUSIC in your POCKET.

> PI: Go up chimney. (00261)

You enter the speakeasy.

You face NORTH. There is another stunning mural on the wall, as well as a mysterious poster behind the bust.

> PI: Ride bust like a mechanical bull. (00262)

Wow, what a fucking waste of time!

> PI: Remove oboe blocking doors at bottom of stairs. (00263)

Your VIM is simply not high enough to dislodge the instrument. It's really stuck!

> PI: Move the bust onto the X. (00264)

You've got to be kidding!

> PI: Go through double doors. (00265)

The doors are barred from the inside. It sounds like there is someone on the other side who will not let you in.

You will either need a very high VIM rating to knock down the doors, or a high PULICHRITUDE rating to sweet talk your way in.

You sure are proving useless in this room!

> AD: Collect deceased Pickle Inspector's items. (00266)

You are a little disgusted to find a skeleton in your office. You nevertheless rifle through its belongings.

You take the BAG OF CANDY CORN. The HORNS are unsettling to you for some reason, so you leave them there. Same with the PEZ UZI, which suddenly seems just plain silly!

> AD: Go out window, on to roof. Pick up hairpin. (00267)

First you wheel the JAW BREAKER CANNON off to the side.

You pick up the MACHINE GUN. A brute like you is easily able to wield the heavy weapon.

> AD: Pass rope through skylight. (00268)

(The rope ends up on the elves' table.)

> PS: Go to piano; play Moonlight Sonata. (00269)

The melody is haunting. No wonder you locked away this music. It is a treasure to the ears.

(In the speakeasy…)

A compartment is revealed, exposing a powerful industrial fan.

The fan blows the bust across the room, on to the other X.

> AD, PS: Swap handgun and tommygun through slots. (00270)

Problem Sleuth passes the KEY through the dumbwaiter slot.

Ace Dick passes the RING OF KEYS through his slot too.

Ace Dick picks up and loads the HANDGUN with HANDGUN BULLET(S).

Problem Sleuth picks up and loads the TOMMY GUN with TOMMY GUN MUNITION(S).

> PI: Tie rope around bust and oboe, strung through pulleys. (00271)

You go back down the chimney and get the ROPE.

Using your unusually high HEIGHT characteristic, you rig it up to the ceiling pulleys, with the other end tied to the stubborn oboe.

> AD: Make candy corn liquor. (00272)

You feed the CANDY CORN into the still. This should brew something with a real kick to it. It will take a moment…

> PS: Fire tommy gun at target above piano. (00273)

You riddle the ceiling with bullets in a circular pattern.

But nothing seems to happen…

(There are now bullet holes around the Mobster Kingpin bust.)

> AD: Check progress of candy corn fermentation. (00274)

Things are really percolating in there! You'd better head for cover, fast. You won't want to be anywhere near that thing when it's done!

> AD: Go out window and duck for cover. (00275)

You shut the safe first, sealing it off tight.

An elf pokes his head out of the window. You wave, urging him to get his head down.

> AD: Ride still like a mechanical bull. (00275.5)

This action unsurprisingly results in your death.

> GO BACK

> AD: Ride still like a mechanical bull. No, just stay put and see what happens. (00276)

(The still explodes. The fiery explosion goes through the door, in the hole, and out through the safe opening.)

The front wall has been obliterated. Your office is now an inferno, but you are free to leave it.

The sprinkler system goes on.

> PS

You feel the whole building shake. Was that an explosion?

You hear a cracking noise from above.

> CRACK. (00277)

The bust falls on the piano.

The oboe is dislodged.

> AD: Drop handgun through skylight. (00278)

(The handgun makes it to the elves' table safely.)

> AD: Drop your own skull through skylight. (00279)

(AD grabs his own skull, which is a remnant of his imaginary life that was cut short by one of the BEASTS. The skull prompts a different reaction from the elves, though. In fact, it makes them cry.)

> AD: Check on the candy corn liquor. (00280)

Parts of the wall and ceiling have collapsed. The path is blocked!

> PS: See if your office is ok after explosion. (00281)

Looks like the path here is blocked too.

> PS: Go upstairs. (00282)

Allies are united for the first time on the material plane. You eye each other with suspicion.

> PI: Go down chimney again, get more tears, and handgun. (00283)

You dump the liquor out of your TEAPOT and fill it with ELF TEARS.

You equip the HANDGUN, a weapon more suited to your physical strength.

> PI: Give some tears to PS. (00284)

You fill Problem Sleuth's FLASK with the ELF TEARS.

> PI: Go get candy corn liquor. (00285)

You collect some of the potent CANDY CORN LIQUOR in your TEAPOT.

> AD: Step outside office. (00286)

You wonder what the fuck happened out here.

> AD: Leave the building! (00287)

The exit is locked! You will need the fabled MEGATON KEY to open the door. Legend has it that only the strongest man on Earth may lift this key.

> AD: Displace Trombone. (00288)

Water from the flooded room spills into the hall, dousing the flames.

> PS: Sweet-talk your way in through doors. (00289)

Using your advanced political acumen, you PERSUADE the party on the other side of the door to let you in.

The door unlocks.

> PS, PI: Go in. (00290)

There is a large door guarded by two SURLY THUGS.

The door is locked. It looks like it will require more weird puzzle shit to open it.

There are three skull-shaped grooves on the wall.

> PS: Carve surprised face in pumpkin and put it in sad recess. (00291)

Those are not pumpkin-shaped grooves, you dolt!

Besides, you are quite certain that there has never been a pumpkin anywhere in this building (or whatever the hell this place is), and never will be.

Yeah…what even is this place? It seems VERY far-removed from a normal den that was built for the top sleuths to reside in. Weird puzzle shit is coming from all directions with no rhyme or reason. No, the puzzles themselves make sense; you just don't know what direction they are taking you. Or your two rivals-turned-allies, for that matter.

While you are stopping and thinking about the confusing situation that you are in, the thugs are advancing menacingly. It seems the sway of your charisma has worn off!

> PI: Retrieve skull from elf hideout. (00292)

You obtain the ACE DICK SKULL.

> PS: [BATTLE MENU]

"PS

INSULIN LVL - LOW-AVERAGE

ANIMAL COMMUNION - 11/14

ELF TEARS - 6/12

OPTIONS

-AGGRESS

-BATTLE TECHNIQUE

-COMBAT OPERANDI

-PERSUADE

-MOLLIFY

-ABSCOND"

You comb through your list of BATTLE TECHNIQUES for a peaceful, diplomatic solution to the conflict.

"BATTLE TECHNIQUES

-COMPROMISE

-SUMMON HENRY CLAY

-SUMMON HENRY CLAY LV. 2

>SLEUTH DIPLOMACY

-PAX

-UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER"

> PS: SLEUTH DIPLOMACY (00293)

You expend 1 ELF TEAR(S).

You acquaint the SURLY THUGS with your brand of diplomacy…which is to straight-up shoot them. Even the most prestigious diplomats are at your mercy, especially when you can just shoot them, too!

Pickle Inspector returns with the skull.

> PI: Insert skull in groove. (00294)

You place the Ace Dick skull in the middle slot.

> AD: Go grab Pickle Inspector's skull. (00295)

You retrieve your ally's skull and drop it through the skylight.

> AD: Use Trombone to breath underwater! (00296)

You prepare to use the instrument as an oversized snorkel. But as should have been obvious to you, the room is no longer filled with water.

> PS: Summon Weasel King. (00297)