Episode 13: Spookaroo Special, The Haunted Bakery Part 2

Zach

*This week we finish up our scary Spookaroo Special as our party attempts to solve the puzzles and mysteries of the crooked Solomon Brumby's Haunted Bakery and free the spirit of Sausage Face Shirley! Will they succeed or be dead by dawn - and wrapped in pastry! It's Dungeons and Dragons but in Fantasy Australia!*

## Synopsis

Extricating themselves from their humanoid sandwich, Gadai, McKenzie  and Plank  continue to explore the office of Solomon Brumby. Entering the dark closet, Gadai falls through the floor and down a sticky tunnel, emerging into a basement rolled up in pastry. As she pulls free, she is approached by a Giant Rat. Casting Animal Friendship on it fails, but she instead casts Speak With Animals. When the rat continues to wish to attack her, Gadai attacks

Plank also jumps down the tunnel and gets wrapped in pastry, while McKenzie goes down the stairs. Gadai and McKenzie both attack, killing the Giant Rat, while Plank eats his way free.

They investigate the three cells on the corridor through which McKenzie entered. McKenzie uses the Chime of Opening on the first cell, revealing disturbed earth containing two sets of bones, one humanoid with criss-crossed markings on the skull and the other the skeleton of a bear missing its claws. They conclude the humanoid skeleton is Sausageface Shirley.

In the middle cell are four humanoid skeletons. One is missing a finger, one has a broken neck, one is charred and blackened, and the fourth is a short wide skeleton encrusted with shit and vomit. Three are human, and the shortest is a dwarf. The third cell contains only one small skeleton, fae in nature but stocky and robust, unlike the gracile fairy. These seven skeletons, plus the fairy in the office, represent the eight individuals whose names they need to discover.

They return to the bathroom to speak to the vomiting ghost. She explains that Brumby forced her to work while sick; when she vomited on tarts he cooked and sold them, while she choked on her own vomit and died in the toilets. Her nametag reads Maud Gooderthan.

As they enter the cold storage room, the door closes and locks behind them. A frosty Brownie ghost emerges from beneath the racks He explains that Brumby got brownies to work the night shift in return for food, but one day he ate too much food then got locked in the freezer, and found himself needing to defecate. He did so into the empty rectangular pans in the freezer, then froze to death. Brumby proceeded to sell the Brownie faeces, which was delicious to humanoids. His namebadge says his surname, Tums, and the Brownie agrees to tell them his first name if the three of them eat all of the brownies in the freezer.

Plank manages to eat twenty of the hundred brownies, McKenzie manages twenty-two, and Gadai succeeds in eating the other fifty-eight. Impressed, the Brownie tells Gadai his name is Barnaby Tums, disappears, and the door to the freezer opens. The names Barnaby Tums and Maud Gooderthan light up gems five and six on the chest.

In the main bakery, they approach the fryer and are met with a deep-fried ghost with a name badge bearing the surname Dongnuts. He offers them a game: they can guess his name, but for each wrong guess they must place something valuable to them into the oil; he will also give them a clue for the same price. After giving up Plank's piebug costume, the Smart Arse (Cap), and Gadai's hair and eyebrows, they correctly guess that his name is Duncan.

At an ajar window, they find skeletal bear claws jammed in the windowframe, which skitter away and reconnect as a ghostly bear when the window is opened. Gadai speaks to the bear, who says he will tell them his name if they return his claws to his body. Plank does so, and the bear gives the name Honeyslayer. The names Duncan Dongnuts and Honeyslayer light up gems three and four.

They find a rack of fresh-looking finger buns, which when picked up appear to have severed fingers in them and which turn to acrid dust in the mouth. The mixer beside the rack turns on and a ghost rises from beside it. The ghost says they were mixing white icing for Breast Awareness Day when they became distracted by a busty coworker and cut off a finger. Brumby was delighted with the resultant pink icing and killed them. They say they will give their name if the group retrieves their finger from the mixer, and when Plank plunges his hand in to do so he ends up fighting the machine and winning. They return the finger, and the ghost gives his name as Kenny Wonkers.

Entering the final room of the bakery, they find a hanged humanoid figure. It is the ghost of a young human man in bakery uniform who, when turned, is revealed to have extremely severe acne. Gadai realises this is Richard Dickson, for whom Charlotte was leaving flowers outside.

The names Kenny Wonkers and Richard Dickson light up gems two and seven, the final gems. With a click, the chest opens to reveal about eight thousand gold. However, with cackling laughter the ghost of Solomon Brumby bursts from the treasure and tries to attack, though the team manages to attack first.

As Brumby approaches, the three find themselves plunged into darkness and awake to Wenzo shaking them and telling them they are having a fever dream related to bad prawns. As they rise angrily, a giant prawn bursts out of Wenzo's mouth. McKenzie turns to find a poor person behind her, Gadai is faced with Channing Taters with a dingledonger skull on his head, and Plank is approached by Bungstunger  the Mozzieloth. They then abruptly awake in the bakery once again.

Although McKenzie is knocked out, Plank and Gadai are able to defeat Brumby and return peace to the bakery. They exit the bakery with the money, and Gadai quickly distributes it before Plank and Wenzo try to keep it. Having successfully solved the mystery and given themselves a good name, the team leaves.

## Characters

* Gadai
* McKenzie
* Plank
* Wenzo (mentioned)
* Solomon Brumby
* Sausageface Shirley (mentioned)
* Maud Gooderthan
* Barnaby Tums
* Duncan Dongnuts
* Honeyslayer
* Kenny Wonkers
* Richard Dickson
* Channing Taters (mentioned)
* Bungstunger (mentioned)

## Locations

* Gunnacarkit
* Solomon Brumby's Bakery

## Peoples

* Brownies
* Dwarves
* Halflings
* High Elves
* Humans
* Tieflings

## Creatures

* Dingledongers
* Ghosts
* Piebugs (mentioned)

## Definitions

* Acker Dacker
* Chime of Opening
* Smart Arse (Cap)
* Spookaroo

## Quotes

* Luke: Around the table, I wanna know... you just totally put me off, Plank, what the fuck did you just say?
Zach: I said 'It's a penis.'
Luke: Okay. Not a great way to start an episode, but you've piqued my curiosity. *What's* a penis?
Zach: This lolly.
Luke: ...it's a delicate balance with second episode, because the second part of a story is gonna be less articulate, less structured, but at the same time more chaotic fun anarchy that you as listeners have grown to love.
* Duncan Dongnuts: "You can throw the grenade, mate, I'm a fucking incorporeal ghost. I dunno what it'll do to you cunts."
* Duncan Dongnuts: "I haven't got all night, mate. The sun's gonna come up and you're all gonna be fucking fucked up by ghosts, so come on."
Plank: "Dick. Cock. Penis. Willy. Chode."
* Plank: "Do you think I like standing here naked?"
Gadai: "Yes."
* Luke: I would like to roll initiative on this thing.
Suzanne: We're gonna fight the mixer?
Luke: Yeah - do you wanna fight the mixer, Plank?
Zach: Damn right I do, it just hurt my hand.
* Plank: "Your mother was a toaster."
* Zach: Are ghosts in Dungeons and Dragons like ghosts in real life?
Luke: Yes. It's a one-to-one comparison.
Zach: Because I have watched a *lot* of Supernatural, and that shit's about to pay off for me.
* Luke: I'm gonna give you a chance... do you really want throw a frag grenade in a small room?
Paris: No...

## Australian Culture References

* "To have crook guts" or "To feel crook in one's guts" is slang meaning to feel deeply nauseous and inclined to vomit.
* "Maud Gooderthan PID cast" (the character's creaking cast for her pelvic inflammatory disease) is a refernce to TV and film podcast "More Gooder Than Podcast" which ran from 2016 to 2019.
* "Brownies", as well as being the name of the foodstuff, is the name of a younger group of Girl Scouts/Girl Guides (usually aged 7-9 or thereabouts) and the name of a creature found in Scottish folklore (later spread throughout the British Isle) which performs tasks overnight in return for a payment of food or milk.
* Chiko Rolls are pastry tubes containing a mixture of vegetables and beef and fried in vegetable oil. They are popular snacks, especially at football matches, because they do not need cutlery or a plate.
* "You'd love to have a beer with me" is a reference to the 1980 song "Duncan" by Australian band "Slim Dusty" which was number one in Australian charts for two weeks in early 1981.

## Trivia & Gaffes

* This week, the players are asked how they think their character will die:
	+ Paris thinks Gadai will die as a result of something involving maths.
	+ Suzanne thinks McKenzie will die by tripping on a big dress and going down three flights of stairs.
	+ Zach thinks Plank will die by oral asphyxiation, probably autoerotic asphyxiation in a closet. (Or at the hands of Bungstunger.)
* This episode is the first time we hear the exact words, "You're not here, McKenzie."
* This episode also features the first iteration of the Acker Dacker song/theme.
* McKenzie uses an Eldritch Blast against the Giant Rat and against Brumby; Eldritch Blast is a spell which can only be used by warlocks.
* The clues to Duncan Dongnut's name are:
	+ "My name isn't just who I am, it's what I was accidentally doing to my balls."
	+ "My name starts with the lonely thing above my burned-off balls."
	+ "You'd love to have a beer with me, mate."
* Kenny Wonkers should have been gem two, though Luke says gem three.
* On the first critical fail of this episode, the failure roll is not done, but Suzanne brings it up the second time that Paris rolls a 1. As a halfling, Paris should also have rerolled all three of Gadai'ses Nat 1s.
* It is not necessary to roll for Magic Missile, as it always hits (even against a Shield spell). Thus Plank's Magic Missile attacks should all have struck.
* Plank's Hellish Rebuke, as part of his tiefling heritage, should do 3d10 damage as it is automatically cast at level 2.