Marco Tortelloni Wins At Elkhart Lake, Sharkey Nobrakes Lives Up To Namesake

By Bandrew Aenson

3 hours ago | Formula D

Marco Tortelloni held off late pushes from Carla Carcarcara and Bang Ding Ow to claim first place in the Wisconsin Grand Prix.

Race Recap:

Tortelloni fought from 5th on the grid to secure a maiden victory in his first ever race in Formula D. See below for the full victor interview spot.

Carla Carcarcara fumbled the first corner but turned in a technical performance thereafter taking second place. Ding Ow was competitive in the new look Hitachi Magic Wand from start to finish, showing flashes of the brilliance FD fans have come to expect from the driver.

After a strong start by Bjorn Burnoutsson and Taki Quickahashi, the remainder of the day was marred by poor cornering for the two veteran drivers. In a surprise move Quickahashi, finishing fourth, yielded the place to Burnoutsson stating: “What’s even the point man, just take it.” TP Mikey Stocker has yet to comment publicly on the decision.

Things have gotten off to a rocky start for FourLOKO Racing with one DNF only a single race into the season. Reports from walking Instagram post and TP Max Tague are that an early driver change may be on the horizon.

As per tradition, the first race of the 2023 season kicked off with the annual reserve sacrifice. Lionel L’accelerateur, stoic as always, was unhooded in front of a raucous midwestern crowd and executed to appease the Gods of Speed - may they bless this season. “J’aime la vitesse!!” exclaimed L’accelerateur moments before the end. His sacrifice will not be forgotten.

The fan favorite black unmarked van made a surprise appearance on track today causing several collisions. At press time an avatar of death was reported to be driving the mysterious vehicle. What does it want? Who will it take next? Only time will tell.

The Winners Circle:

We caught up with Marco in his hometown of Catania:

It’s 11:35pm and Marco Tortelloni is still hard at work on the docks of the sleepy coastal village his family has called home for generations. He hauls nets, secures lines, and cleans the days catch. It’s a stark contrast from his day job at Scuderia Calamari but the precision that has TP Shook so excited about this new driver is evident in every movement.

The spaghetti and tagliatelle shoals that typically populate the Sicilian coastal waters have moved north for the season so todays catch is a meager one. But much like the pasta schools that their livelihood depends on, the Tortelloni family is resilient. Indeed, Marco credits his fast rise in Formula D to his modest upbringing, but make no mistake this is a transitionary time in the 16 year old phenom's life and in the sport as a whole.

…

Marco: “Ciao!  Oh, mamma mia! I won the Elkhart Lake Grand Prix! This is fantastico!”

How was the car today Marco?

Marco: “The car, ohhh she was like a giant pasta machine but for the road! It went zoom, zoom, and I just held onto the wheel. It was like riding a big, fast Vespa!

How did you feel when you got the nod over the more senior Ted Cruise?

Marco: “Sì, sì! I thought maybe they mixed up the names, like when Mama sometimes calls me by my brother's name Darko. But no, it was really a me, Marco! Just like the great spaghetti, sometimes things get tangled, but it all works out ”

Do you anticipate to start the next Grand Prix?

Marco: “I don't know, maybe if I find the right lucky charm, like a four-leaf clover or a shiny penny. It's all about the luck, you know? And maybe a bit of Mama's homemade lasagna for energy!”

What are your thoughts on the pre-season sacrifice of the beloved Lionel L’Accelerateur?

Marco: “Lionel L'accelerateur's sacrifice, oh, that was so sad, like a scene from a dramatic opera! Yes, it was my first time seeing a dead body. I've seen plenty of pasta not swimming anymore, but never a person. Very tragic, like a wilted basil plant.”

How did you handle the surprise black van on track?

Marco: “The bandits in the black van, they were like characters from a crazy movie! Going backward, trying to kidnap drivers? Mamma Mia taught me about stranger danger and to NEVER get into the back of a van no matter how much candy is promised. That is exactly what I did today.”

How do you think these incursions should be handled in the future?

Marco: “Formula D Racing regulators, they should put up big nets, like the ones we use for fishing, to catch these invaders and baditos. Maybe even hire some friendly dolphins to patrol the track! Safety first, but also fun!”

Any additional thoughts?

“Grazie, grazie-Mille for all the support!  I'm so excited to be part of this amazing racing family and share my love for fishing with bambini all over the world!”

…

Next up: Suzuka.

In Memoriam

~~ Lionel L’Accelerateur  ~~

            1987 - 2023

## Out of Game

This article was written by Kyle Ritter, Richard Shook, and a little bit of ChatGPT.