Unfortunate

*Unfortunate* is the fanfiction written by Weirdkid\_0407. It was created after Oomi shared his idea of how Lee and Mochi would be able to kiss. It was written on February 25th, 2022. It follows the story of Lee Roteuth and Mochi Funboruto, in which Mochi tries to fix Lee's insecurities in her twisted, illogical way.

## The Original Text

Mochi’s laugh, her smile, her touch. I tried so hard to ignore that it meant something to me. But I couldn’t. Not this last time. I can’t forget the way she asked me, either. You wanna hang out? You and me at the park again? Maybe find our way to the beach? I had convinced myself that I was going as a friend. But I wasn’t– I couldn’t.

And now, as we walk across the beach, our feet dipped in the coming and going tide, she looks stunning. I can’t imagine a world where I didn’t cave.

“So,” she starts. “What took you so long? It’s my sixth time asking you out.”

**“Those were dates?!”**

“Of course, they were! I thought it was obvious.”

I gesture at myself. **“Obviously oblivious. But… I dunno, honestly. I was convinced that I didn’t see you like that. And as time moved on, the fabricated line I kept telling myself was there wore off. I guess I just didn’t have it in me to admit it until now.”**

“Sorry,” she laughs. “I thought you knew. You seemed to be eyeing me. But it is kind of hard to tell what your expressions are without a mouth.”

I stop in my tracks. She didn’t. I don’t. I can’t. I know I don’t have a mouth, no need to tell me! Thanks for the information! Might as well tell me I'm green while you’re at it! It’s just constant reminders that I talk and look like a freak. Sure I speak unconventionally, but I’m not any less of a person! Although I guess she never said that. No one hardly ever does. Maybe I’m stupid.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude–”

**“You aren’t being rude. I’m just… I don’t like constant reminders that I’m like this, you know? Everyone stares at me like I’m a freak. Not having a mouth is unfortunate and a bit annoying to deal with. I’m sorry, I’m so stupid. I’ll… shut up now.”**

“You aren’t a freak, Lee. You’re amazing.” She grabs both of my hands and pulls them to her chest. “And I can make sure nobody ever looks at you weird or thinks differently of you, too.”

I stare at her blankly. How can she ensure that I’m not perceived as weird? Being mouthless isn’t exactly normal. I don’t know, but I nod anyway so we can continue walking.

There’s no more conversation for a while. We just enjoy each other’s company. Walking down the beach and laughing speaks for itself. We love this. I love her.

As we near the stairs on the other end of the beach, Mochi starts eyeing the perimeter.

“I’m hungry. Do you want to go out to eat?”

**“I’m not sure that’s–”**

“Of course, you are. Let’s go to Harry’s Breakfast House.”

Before I can refute, she’s practically dragging me by the arm up the stairs, down the street past all of the people– I try casually waving, but it’s not exactly working– and to the door.

If you had told me this was a breakfast place, I wouldn’t have believed you. They look far too refined to only serve pancakes and bacon. The uniforms make the employees look like they’re straight out of a movie. There’s one really short one, too.

“C’mon, let’s go order,” she says, rushing into the door.

“What can we do for you?” says the lady behind the podium.

“A table for two, please,” Mochi says. I’m not sure why her voice is so obnoxiously nice now, but I guess that’s what being polite entails.

The lady eyes me. “Are you sure that one’s eating?”

I can’t move. Shit. Why the hell can’t I move? I can’t breathe, or focus, or anything. Are you sure that one’s eating? Who says that!?

Mochi looks at me and smiles. I don’t like whatever kind of mischievous smile she’s got going on, but when she turns back, it’s erased and her hand is on my arm.

“I just need takeout for him.”

She eyes me again and sighs. “I’ll make sure to tell your waiter that.” She steps out from her booth and starts walking. “Follow me to your table. Right here.”

We sit down and she hands us bundled-up napkins and a packet. “Here’s your fine cutlery and your menus. Your waiter will be right out to help when you’re ready.”

Mochi snatches hers off of the table and opens it. In it are a metal fork and knife. She looks like she just got her number one item on her Santa Wishlist. It’s oddly endearing. But I’m not staring. She may be mine and beautiful, but I’m not a starerer…er. Although, I may be one because she looks mortified when she sees me looking at her.

“Oh,” she blushes. “Sorry, I was just really happy that they aren’t plastic. You can barely cut skin with those!” she laughs. “This place is really fancy. I wonder where they buy all of their stuff.”

I nod a bit. I agree. It is nice. Too nice. How am I supposed to pay for this? I don’t even have a job!

“Oh, take a look at the menu. I can pay for it.”

I grab the menu and open it up. There are a lot of unfamiliar words here. In fact, I don’t know a single letter in this damn thing! **“Fuck it, get me waffles.”**

“Waffles to go, good choice.”

I don’t like making her pay for me, but I don’t have a choice. I’m sure if I could read the prices, I wouldn’t get anything. However, hunger is not a fun feeling.

The waiter comes to serve us, we order, she eats and pays, we leave. It was all a blur. I was sitting across from her, so I couldn’t be close. Boredom panged early on, so I was silent the entire time.

“Okay,” she says halfway down the street. “You’ve got your food. So do you want to go to your place to blend it?”

I nod, and we walk to the apartment. She keeps her hands in her pockets the whole time– understandable, it’s cold– so I had to wrap my arm around hers. I can’t say I hated it. I grab the keys out of my pocket and open the door. It’s functional, to say the least. I wouldn’t like to have a two-room apartment– I only have a mattress to sleep on– but it is what it is, I guess.

**“My blender’s over there, I’ll just go put it in and you can sit on the couch.”**

“Not necessary.” She walks up to me, and I start walking into the kitchen area.

**“Yeah you can follow me, I guess.”**

She laughs. I don’t like it… “No, silly. You don’t need to blend your food.”

I point to my mouth, to which she rolls her eyes. “No, dumbass.” She pulls a knife– WHAT THE FUCK??! The one. From the restaurant. She stole it. Holy shit. “I’m sure you know what I mean.” I do. “But first, may I?”

I can’t even answer before there’s no space left between us. It feels right. But it isn’t. It’s not right. Then why does it feel right? I’ve never even questioned how I could kiss without a mouth, and now I’m glad I didn’t. I love and hate it. I can’t pull away, either. She’s too strong and I’m too weak.

She pulls back, panting. “Was that fun? Now, about the food...” She breaks away and pushes me onto the couch. “Don’t worry. It’ll be like piercing your ears. It’s painless.” She grips the knife and shoves it where my mouth should be. It hurts, it’s bleeding, but all the while it feels good. I will have a mouth now. But the pain surpasses the euphoria quickly when she tries expanding the slit. Blood drips into my mouth, and I may have swallowed some. I’m crying and sobbing and fighting. I didn’t even know my vocal cords could scream this loud until now.

“Somebody help me!” I shout, muffled by the blood in my throat. I give in.

“It only hurts worse if you squirm! I’m doing this for you! I love you!”

I give in to those words. I love you. “I lo–”

The world collapses in on me. Pitch black. I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating in darkness and my new mouth burns. I want to die. Let me die.

But before I lose consciousness completely, I hear laughter muffled through tears, and the words “How unfortunate.”

How unfortunate, indeed.

## Trivia

* Unfortunate is generally regarded as the singular worst thing ever to have come out of Squid Research Hangout.