John Darling

**John Darling** is Letitgo Arendelle's sex education teacher, and he is an angry drunk!

## Info

Name: John Darling

Age: 26

Parent's Story: Peter Pan

Appearance: I'm a tall, handsome brunette man with brown eyes, glasses, and a top hat, and I always wear a nightshirt and a pair of shoes.

Alignment: Rebel

Roommate: I share a nursery room with my little brother Michael.

Secret Heart's Desire: To make sure Letitgo Arendelle and Inga Trolsen are miserable.

My Magic Touch: I am good at getting drunk, yelling at people, and acting crazy.

Storybook Romance Status: I normally prefer women, but I'll date men too if I want.

Oh Curses Moment: I have no self-control and I'm prone to misbehaving. For example, I love to flash my boxer shorts at people! You should see the look on their faces, stupid redneck idiots!

Favorite Subject: Sex Education. I teach it, of course!

Least Favorite Subject: Driving Tests. I've gotten too many DUIs for this class.

Best Friends Forever After: My brother Michael, my sister Wendy, and my drinks.

## Biography

Hello there, bitches! I'm John Darling. You know, the brat from Peter Pan with the glasses and the nightshirt. Except I'm all grown up now. Wendy has moved out of here (lucky bitch), so me and Michael share a room in the nursery and still play with our toys. Of course, I have grown-up toys, like a Hello Kitty vibrator. Unfortunately, being from a Disney movie, I'm still forced to be a kid despite being in my twenties.

I teach Sex Education to those naughty little students. I am a great teacher. Except I don't actually teach anything useful. I often talk about my sex life in front of the students. I love to yell at students, hit them with my umbrella, and throw empty bottles at them. Despite being a teacher, I hate kids. In fact, I've had a vasectomy since I don't want to have kids.

I am what you'd call a pisshead. In other words, a drunkard. I spend much of my time drinking and I love to go to bars. I'm a terrible driver and I've had a lot of DUIs, and I've even had my license revoked for drunk driving. Isn't that great? I'm also addicted to cough syrup and NyQuil. I have trouble falling asleep at night, so a little NyQuil will help me snooze.

The fact of the matter is, being an adult sucks. When you're an adult, you're too old to go to Neverland, you have to shave (I get shaving cuts trying to get rid of that goddamn five o'clock shadow), and every day you're one day closer to death.

In my spare time, I like to get drunk, read magazines with pictures of scantily-clad women, call my sister Wendy on my cellphone, watch X-rated movies with my brother Michael, flash my boxer shorts at people, moan in bed, go to the club, complain about not being able to go to Neverland anymore, and chase people down the street in a drunken rage.

So long, suckers! (laughs evilly)

## Trivia

* He is giving the V sign (an obscene British gesture) in his picture.
* He frequently sings the song "I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts".
* He is a devout Catholic and is pro-life.
* Despite his age, he's been divorced twice. Each of his marriages lasted less than a week.
* He misses the racist Native Americans in Neverland now that the KFCC has arrested them.
* His favorite food is pizza with pineapples. (Yuck!)
* When he's not drinking booze, he loves to drink purple drank.