Izumi Sumi

> "I'll be going through the same year all over again. Why am I alive?"
>
>

Izumi Sumi (泉澄) is the main protagonist in the series She Doesn't Know Why She Lives, written and illustrated by Anu and published in magazine Comic Zenyon.

Izumi Sumi is a 25 year old female struggling with severe depression and anxiety. She spends much of her time working and sitting inside her room, too stricken with anxiety to leave beyond her comfort zone. She works part time at an arcade where she has limited contact with her co workers.

## Appearance

Izumi is of medium height with long blonde hair and green eyes (sometimes golden in artwork by the author). She wears a range of outfits, her most common being a dark green coat with thick gray fur woven into the hood. She's physically fit and skinny. She is often seen wearing plain sweaters and sweat pants.

## Personality

> "I come off a bit... apathetic, don't I?"
>
>

Izumi is meek and shy, often talking more in her thoughts than in her words. She becomes very tepid and nervous in social situations, often over thinking her

responses and ruminating on mistakes she's made. She is deeply unmotivated and longs for what she was in high school when she was perfectionistic and a social butterfly. Her self-criticism often takes up much of her internal dialogue, leading to her having a very low and self deprecating opinion of herself.

## Story

### Volume 1

#### I Want to Become a Bottle of Shampoo:

Izumi is first seen taking a bath, the first words coming from her mouth stating "Why am I alive?" She doesn't do it for work, nor her ability to talk to people or for food.

She wishes she could become a bottle of shampoo, her duty only being to dispense soap when pressed. She admires how easy it would be and how she'd not have to do anything else.

Getting out of the bath, she blow dries her hair while watching TV. She ruminates that she is wasting time in her life and that her future is looking bleaker ending with her stating "Just what am I doing with my life?"

#### Unending Zero-Based Thinking

Izumi is seen in her bedroom, hugging her legs to her chest. She tearfully explains that because of her anxiety she didn't process anything of what she watched on TV. Declaring it a horrible day, she turns out the light and climbs into bed. While in bed she recalls the days of events of cooking dinner, working, watching TV and having a bath just as she did the previous day. She pulls the blanket over herself and curls into a ball. Izumi is hurting over the fact that every day is mindless repetition and wonders just how long she plans on living anyway, suggesting she has become suicidal. She wishes someone would notice her pain and give her a reason to live.

She remains hopeful however, stating that she might luck out one day, ending the thought with her being dumb for thinking such a thing would happen. She plummets into a fight with her own thoughts, her body looking as though it's falling in a thick black miasma. One part of her asks why she can't accept reality to which she responds that she isn't ready yet. Her thoughts again ask her when she will be and she responds with "I don't know." Her thoughts ask her when and she responds with the same answer.

Izumi sinks into a black void, bubbles slowing her descent as though she is in water. She feels as though she's drowning in a pool of anxiety and regret and wishes she could burst into a million bubbles. Her body vanishes into bubbles leaving only her sweatshirt behind. She wishes she could close her eyes forever, never waking up.

The chapter ends with her alarm clock ringing with rain pouring outside. She's curled up in her blanket with her head sticking out, only to say "it hurts"

Girl Broken By Time

Izumi is taking medication for a headache caused by the downpour. She's taken a day of work and doesn't even remember the last time she had. She remembers that in high school she was far more responsible and even out going. Taking a day off of school was something that was unthinkable to her and the fact that she'd be taking a day off now fills her with a sense of uselessness. She beats herself up saying "it was all a load of crap, absurd really" and wonders what her former high school self would think of her now.

Suddenly, from behind the corner of the hall a figured emerges from the darkness. It's Izumi when she was in high school, staring at present day Izumi with a glare. Her former self asks why she took the day off, reminding her how hard she's worked up till now. Izumi, shaking, says her cold is bad enough to excuse her from work. Izumi is sure her past self is going to yell at her. She sits beside Izumi, her gaze softening and quietly tells her she won't yell at her. She says that if she were to yell, Izumi will simply shut down and not listen to what she's saying.

High School Izumi says she's worried about her future self, spinning her phone on the floor with her finger. She asks her future self if she'd like to change her lifestyle. Izumi doesn't know. Her high school self says it's fine if she doesn't know now. She hands Izumi her phone and says "I do hope you will respond some day"

Izumi wakes up on a cold floor. The whole thing had been nothing but a dream. She gets up and begins to get ready for work, only to remember she'd skipped work that day. She then chastises herself for being happy.

### Hollow Vessel

Izumi is watching TV the next morning. She lazily pulls the curtains to open to a beautiful sunrise and decides she needs to do laundry. She picks up her phone to find a group of friends from her high school days have texted her. She recounts the old days she had with these friends, remarking that they would go out every so often. Her mood sinks as she realizes every one of her friends has had some major development in their lives except for her. She feels left behind and static, as though she were forced against a wall of time. Izumi falls into a state of despair. She is stuck because she can't see where she's going. Back then, she says, her future going forward was so bright and full of possibilities. Now she is akin to a car without headlights, mindlessly driving forward to no where.

Izumi suddenly realizes she can't remember the faces of her friends. They are receding from view, leaving her so far behind that she can't remember them. She panics, wanting to leave the chat. She erupts into tears, unable to believe she would even think of abandoning her friends

### Laundry on Day 8

Izumi is seen doing laundry, her eyes puffy and red from crying. She felt as though she cried over a years worth of tears but that she felt much better having cried. She wants to thank her friend Sawa and others for giving her the ability to cry. She goes out to the balcony to dry her washed clothes.

She complains that she has more chores to do than usual. More laundry, more trash, more dishes. She had let them pile up due to her depression. She tilts her head, thinking it was far beyond her capabilities right now. All of her energy is spent simply taking care of herself. She beings to say "how can I possibly take care of another pers-" only for her thought to be cut off as one of the laundry clips snaps from her fingers and falls off the balcony. She watches the laundry clip fall three stories onto the sidewalk bellow, shattering as it hits the ground. She steps away from the balcony, and says "Yikes, that was a close one. I was about to get some funny ideas there. Pain would be the least of my worries of I pulled a stunt like that." implying that for a moment she had the urge to commit suicide.

Tears fill her eyes once again and she repeats to herself that she'll feel better if she just cries. The chapter ends with Izumi with her back on the floor. She says "I want to become a bird"

### And Out She Goes

Izumi stretches, feeling her belly rumbling. She's hungry. She opens her refrigerator only to find it near completely empty. She complains that she'll have to go outside to buy more food, dawning jeans and a large coat. She begins to think of the fastest rout from her house to the supermarket and back. She wants to go to the closest department store, however, it is the same place she works. She wants to avoid bumping into anyone she knows. She mockingly mimics how they would speak to her and fears that they would poke fun at her behind her back when she leaves. She settles to go to the supermarket further away.

Once outside she hugs herself, feeling the cold. She enjoys it, however, feeling that the cold clears her head. A sudden burst of anxiety hits her as she worries she forgot to lock her door. Only five minutes out of the house and she returns to check if her door has been locked.

### Outer Age

The door, thankfully, is locked. She makes a promise to herself that she'll double check the next time she leaves. To her surprise, a voice greets her from her from behind. It's a regular customer at her part time job named Kobyashi who enjoys talking. Izumi begins to visibly sweat as her worst fear has come to pass. The woman begins to talk her ear off as Izumi gives short responses, thinking to herself how terrible it is. She made the wrong choice, she shouldn't have gone back to check. Her hand rests in her pocket, tightly clutching her key and shaking furiously. She should have gone straight to the supermarket instead of wasting time and having to had run into Kobyashi. After some time, she leaves Izumi to attend to other business. She feels guilty for the fact that after having someone catcher her off guard like that she grows to resent them, even if they're not bad people. She chastises herself for being an awful person for having thought that.

Izumi walks out of the supermarket having just bought food and other supplies. She walks down a path and sits down on a bench, remarking that she feels tired. She sips on some coffee and starts to doze off, only to hear two kids chasing each other, being loud enough to disturb her peace. Annoyed, she thinks to herself how she won't be able to get any peace and how terrible it is. She comes to a realization that they're just kids being kids and beats herself down for having the gal to complain about it as the park wasn't hers to begin with. The coffee spills across her fingers and she places one of her fingers in her mouth and falls into a spiral of thoughts that she's selfish, both for complaining about the kids and for having brushed off Kobyashi. She finds herself egocentric and a terrible person. The parts of herself that she likes are "becoming the very things she hates." She wants to return to how her personality was when she was younger.

One of the children interrupts her train of though, pushing her head between Izumi's legs and arms while staring at her. Izumi instantly recoils away, her finger still in her mouth. The child turns around to look back her, mimicking Izumi by putting her finger in her own mouth then running off. Izumi smiles to herself. She doesn't understand kids very well but wonders if she could get herself to smile that, if she would be more optimistic.

### I Will See You Tomorrow

Izumi lays in beneath her table, dreading that tomorrow she has to go to work. The idea has been filling her thoughts the entire day. She doesn't want to go work the next day. She can feel it in every part of her body, from her head and to the back to her feet. She imagines herself on a shaking train, traveling far away from those feelings of anxiety. She couldn't do that much, however, due to her overwhelming anxiety making vacation too much for her to handle. She had spent the last three days doing nothing, as she often does.

Her phone rings, causing Izumi to hit her head against the table above her. Kanade, her fellow work partner, is calling. She doesn't want to answer, even though she knows she should. She simply is checking up on her and making sure she's recovered from her job. The call ends and she worries that she came off apathetic. She ruminates on the fact that she should've responded more cheerfully but couldn't because she never has anything to say. She is sure Kanade sounded bored when talking to her. She goes so far to say she wishes phones weren't a thing. She presses her face against her bed sheets saying that she doesn't want to go to work even more now and wants to become one with her futon.

### Liars and Rain

Izumi seen walking into her place of work the next day, her legs weak with anxiety. As she looks around the room full of customers shopping and talking she can't help but wonder if they're all gossiping about her. Izumi rides up the elevator to the third floor only to be hit with the intense noise of her surroundings. The noise feels louder than usual despite her being absent for only three days.

Izumi walks over to find her manager, Kawakami, sitting at a desk by herself. They make a brief greeting and Izumi apologizes for her cold. Her manage brushes it off as no big deal, remarking that one's health is just as important as work. Izumi walks into the changing room to get dressed in her work uniform, surprised that her manager didn't scold her. She's caught off guard by Kanade, who has been eagerly awaiting her arrival. She asks if Izumi is feeling well to which she responds with a quick "yes." She feels bad that she once again responded with such a simple answer and feels pressured to talk about something. Kanade asks if she has any plans for the weekend. Full of anxiety, she lies and says she's busy. She watches as Kanade's face drops into a disappointed frown, feeling crushed by the guilt of having denied her. She opts to ask her out at another time just to put her mind at ease. She breathes a sigh of relief that she managed to dodge a bullet, but knows she can't keep doing this, lest she become a compulsive liar.

### Procrastinator

Izumi and Kanade find themselves in a lull during the work day. Both are bored and without much to talk about. Kanade repeatedly asks her when they can go shopping and she repeatedly shoots her down. Izumi's face sinks, knowing that Kanade is probably aware that she's intentionally brushing her off. She had become the thing she never wanted to be: a compulsive liar.

Kanade lifts her tag, explaining she was able to snag one of the pieces of merchandise and attach it to her name tag, a small cat clip. She offers to get one of Izumi as well, only to find she's completely lost in thought. Kanade responds with "you're not very interested in other people, are you?" This sends her into a fit of anxiety. She had never been told this outright and she knows that she always pretends to talk with others despite not wanting to. It's such a jolt she drops the rag she was using to clean the counter top. Kanade picks it up and politely hands it to her. She can almost read Izumi's mind, stating "it doesn't have to be now, it can be whenever you're up for it."

Izumi slips into thought once again. It's hard to tell what someone's feelings are but easier to see when someone is taking their distance. The gap between her and Kanade is once again growing. There's a feeling of unease that's cycling throughout her body without any where to go. She wants to vent it, not being able to contain these feelings for very much longer. However, to do that, she must first open a valve to her heart to let fresh air come in. She finally resolves to take Kanade up on her offer to go shopping for the day. Izumi asks her if she would like to go shopping or some place to eat to which Kanade enthusiastically asks when. The settle on the next day.

### Similar Princesses

Izumi and Kanade are out to dinner the next day after work. While Izumi silently fills up a cup with oolong tea, Kanade is happily humming a song to herself while filling her cup with apple juice. The girls toast to a job well done during work and both share the fact that they're anxious about having to now communicate outside of a professional space. Izumi feels pressured to talk about something and wonders Kanade picked her of all people. She figures that with Kanade being so outgoing, it seemed like an odd choice. Kanade refutes this, saying they are more similar than she thinks. Kanade had graduated college and was well on her way to become a productive member of society. The idea filled her with a sense of dread and she says she merely wanted to work part time right now. She explains that while she had been doing her part time work, all of her friends had left the prefecture and she found herself being able to relate to them less and less, as they only ever spoke of their work. She was the only one who couldn't keep up. She had become completely alone, just as Izumi had.

Kanade tells Izumi that she'd talked to the manager in order for the schedules to align because she noticed how isolated she was. Izumi apologizes, say she thinks about herself all the time and Kanade relates to having done the same thing. They both smile as they realize they're cut from the same cloth, having gone through such similar struggles. Izumi thanks Kanade for asking her to dinner. She went in incredibly nervous but found having someone to relate to completely anxiety erasing. The food arrives and the girls eat.

### Absent-Minded Identity

The girls finished their food and Izumi checks the time. It's 9 PM and her social battery has been drained. Kanade asks her if she had bothering Izumi with her call checking on her while she was sick. Izumi says no and that she should be the one apologizing because she wasn't being that serious. Kanade was happy Izumi had picked up in the first place. Suddenly Kanade asks "have you ever thought 'why am I alive?'" Izumi is show to be struck by the statement and begins visibly shaking, her tea barely staying inside her cup. She responds with a wishy washy answer stating that maybe she has, maybe she hasn't. She wonders if Kanade has too.

The scene changes to Kanade laying in the bath.

## Relationships

Kanade- Best friend

Sawa- Friend from high school

Kobyashi- regular customer at Izumi's part-time job

Kawakami- Izumi's manager