FILE 15. The Toilet of Reality

(radio static)

*Mayfield & Belov presents: Camp Here & There*

*Episode 15: The Toilet of Reality*

(opening theme)

(recorder click)

JEDIDIAH

The time, uhm… is — there are no clocks in here, are there?

MARISOL

(attempting to joke)

The things that live in here must want us to lose track of time.

SALEM

(displeased noise)

MARISOL

Sorry. That was supposed to be a joke.

JEDIDIAH

I really do need to report the time for the thing.

SALEM

It’s around 9:30.

JEDIDIAH

Thank you, Salem.

MARISOL

How did you know that?

SALEM

I just pay attention.

MARISOL

(impressed)

Wow…

JEDIDIAH

The time is approximately 9:30AM and the date is… ah.

SALEM

June 23rd.

JEDIDIAH

June 23rd. I am, as per usual, Jedidiah A. A. Martin, co-nurse at Camp Here & There. Today I am recording a session of conflict mediation between… two very perceptive and opinionated coworkers of mine. This session is being held in the sanatorium, because our usual location of the art cabin is occupied for children’s activities, and Salem did not want to go to my office.

SALEM

I don’t want Sydney to hear us talking, alright? I feel like enough of an asshole as it is.

JEDIDIAH

He listens to all of these sessions, you know.

SALEM

What!?

JEDIDIAH

That’s why I’m supposed to record them.

SALEM

I can’t talk about this knowing he’ll hear it!

JEDIDIAH

It’s fine. I’ll just toss the tape in the toilet and tell him it was an accident or something.

SALEM

That… doesn’t really feel good either…

JEDIDIAH

Eh? I mean, if it’s between that and not having the session at all… he would understand. It’s for the sake of — camp… cooperation and all that.

MARISOL

Sorry, but… doesn’t Sydney know everything that goes on around here anyway? Because… because of the smoke?

JEDIDIAH

It doesn’t really work like that. He can’t just stand over the bonfire and sniff out any secret he wants. It’s more like a shortcut to information which would already be technically accessible —

SALEM

Sorry, I don’t exactly want to be in here for very long. Can we talk about what we came here to talk about?

JEDIDIAH

Right, yes, sure. (ahem) In accordance with the terms of my employment, I’ve… uh… I’m doing a mediation session. Yepp.

MARISOL

Hey, wasn’t the goo all gone yesterday?

JEDIDIAH

Comes back quick, I guess.

MARISOL

Let’s do some cleaning while we talk. Keep us occupied. Also, I did promise Lucille I would do it.

SALEM

Yeah, I don’t mind.

(shuffling)

JEDIDIAH

Sure. Alright, you two, state your names and perspectives into the microphone.

MARISOL

My name is Marisol Yuchengco, and I’m very concerned about the Elephant Man. I love Salem, but I don’t think her priorities are right. I’m… worried by the fact that she called a whole emergency meeting yesterday just to advocate for keeping the kids in the dark, when we could be focusing the same energy on actually dealing with the problem.

SALEM

(huff)

My name is Salem de La Marnierre, and while I agree that the Elephant Man is a problem, there’s no need to involve the children. What, do we expect the kids to help us catch him? No, it’s our responsibility to take care of these issues before the kids have to worry about them. They’re here to have fun, for heaven’s sake. Also, I’m sorry, Jedidiah, but Sydney is out of control, and that deserves priority too. He has a long history of making his emotional instability the whole camp’s problem, and the kids don’t deserve to have to deal with that.

JEDIDIAH

Right. Okay. Thank you, both.

SALEM

I also love Marisol. But I cannot believe she’s okay with Sydney telling the children how terribly alone he is every morning!

MARISOL

Hey, that’s an exaggeration! He works hard to be cheerful for the kids!

SALEM

Not hard enough, babe. Everyone in a five-mile radius knows about his abandonment issues. Am I the only one who thinks the staff of a summer camp should focus on the campers?

JEDIDIAH

I, Salem… you… I mean, with all due respect, you don’t really talk to Sydney on a personal level. I do, and th-there is a lot that he works hard to keep to himself for the sake of the kids.

MARISOL

Exactly. And — and taking care of the Elephant Man *is* focusing on the campers! They’re in danger, right? It’s important for them to feel safe and happy, but when push comes to shove, I think we should focus on their physical safety.

JEDIDIAH

Right. Well — I mean — I do agree with you on principle. But in this particular situation…

MARISOL

What makes this situation so different?

JEDIDIAH

Well, I, uh, I actually don’t think that— like…

SALEM

What has he done to endanger the kids? Listen, obviously, *obviously,* it’s a problem that a random guy is running around taking stuff from us. But I don’t think it’s a problem we have to get the kids involved with, because he honestly doesn’t seem interested in them. I mean — have any of the kids even actually seen him? Because their stories about him come off to me like the products of a kid’s imagination.

MARISOL

Are you saying he’s not real?

SALEM

I’m saying that we’re making a bunch of imaginative kids paranoid over something that isn’t even their problem.

MARISOL

We can’t know that… we can’t know anything about him. We don’t know what he wants or what he’s capable of. It can’t hurt for everyone to be prepared.

SALEM

If this were a decently managed summer camp, the guy would have been carted off on day two, and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

MARISOL

I… yeah. That’s true.

(Salem flushes a toilet)

SALEM

This camp is a toilet.

(Marisol laughs)

SALEM

Can we at least agree that Sydney’s stream of consciousness is not the right way to deliver this information to the kids? We could all — work together on some kind of — official statement about the Elephant Man, that is phrased in a *non-scary way*, that we agree to tell to the kids. Just letting Sydney say whatever comes to mind about this issue is a recipe for disaster. And it’s already started having consequences.

MARISOL

Sydney has the most experience with the Elephant Man. He’s qualified to talk about it.

SALEM

Sydney… tends to get very swept up in what he’s feeling.

MARISOL

That… is *really* rude…

SALEM

It’s just the kind of person he is.

MARISOL

So we shouldn’t take him seriously when he says he’s afraid?

SALEM

So we shouldn’t offer him a pulpit to preach from!

JEDIDIAH

Okay, listen. I don’t… I recognize my bias, but I also don’t really like how you’re talking about Sydney.

(Salem groans)

JEDIDIAH

At the same time… I don’t think there’s anything the Elephant Man can do to hurt anyone. Like, he’s just a- a guy. Just one, weird guy in a world with *much bigger problems*, I mean, what is the big deal? Marisol, you fought him, and he just ran off. I mean, Lucille keeps a flamethrower. Yeah, it’d be nice if this guy was gone, but it would also be nice if the extortionist penguins were gone, and we don’t hold council meetings over them.

SALEM

Jedidiah, listen. I respect you. You’re one of the few people around here who usually uses his head.

MARISOL

Unlike Sydney?

SALEM

That’s — okay, that’s not fair.

MARISOL

It’s not fair the way you act like Sydney is some kind of — I don’t know, some lunatic who can’t be trusted to speak for himself.

SALEM

I’m not trying to be mean, you guys, I’m not. I don’t enjoy hurting Sydney’s feelings. But he’s an adult entrusted with the care of children! I — there are certain responsibilities that come with that and he’s just ignoring them!

JEDIDIAH

I’m sorry, I — nobody here cares about the kids like Sydney does. You can say that he’s not acting right, but you can’t say he doesn’t try.

SALEM

Okay, okay how about this: Sydney is trying to do what he thinks is right. He does not know what is right.

MARISOL

What’s he doing wrong? Oversharing? If you — if you think he’s talking a little too much about how bad his mental state is, then doesn’t — doesn’t that mean we should try harder to help him?

SALEM

You like everyone, Marisol, and you want to give everyone a fair chance, and fight on everyone’s behalf. And I love that about you, but it doesn’t always — work. Sometimes you have to be honest with yourself that — trying to help certain people in certain situations can make things worse for everyone.

MARISOL

And what about me?

SALEM

(stopping what she’s doing)

… Sorry?

MARISOL

I’m terrified by the way that man made me feel. What about my safety?

SALEM

Of course that’s important to me, but —

MARISOL

What about Sydney’s safety? Even if the kids are totally fine, we have camp personnel being actively stalked and harassed. And I’m — it seems like I’m the only one who cares about this at all. Nobody else seems to care or even see it as an emergency for *us*, and I’m just — confused! And kind of hurt, because it’s like — it feels kind of like people don’t care about me. And I can only imagine Sydney feels that way times ten.

(Salem struggles to speak)

MARISOL

I’m sorry. I hate talking to you like this.

SALEM

It’s fine.

MARISOL

I just want people to care about this situation.

SALEM

I care, alright? I care about Sydney. I want him to be safe, and I want you to be safe too…

JEDIDIAH

Nn. I’m… I’m not trying to argue with either of you here. But I’m kind of confused, because it seems like… nobody is thinking about this the same way I am… I — Marisol, what makes you think he’s any different than the other stuff that happens around here?

MARISOL

Because it feels different, because I’m very scared, and Sydney is too. Shouldn’t that be enough?

JEDIDIAH

Well — I suppose — but… everything takes nuance and looking at the — the context of the broader world and the patterns that have played out here over the past few years, I — I don’t see anything that, like—

SALEM

I think she has a point, actually. Even if this guy is not a threat… your wellbeing is important. You’re right that I haven’t devoted… enough energy to that.

MARISOL

It’s okay. It’s… good of you to be so focused on the kids. I can’t be upset about that.

SALEM

Mm. But I should focus on you too.

MARISOL

It’d be nice, definitely.

SALEM

I love you, I’m sorry.

MARISOL

I love you too. You may have a point about Sydney, I understand, but let’s handle that later, okay?

SALEM

Mhm.

JEDIDIAH

Man. Did you guys really need me for this?

(they both laugh)

SALEM

We are pretty good at resolving stuff on our own.

MARISOL

I guess I just got a bit anxious… I wanted to make sure someone was there to keep this from becoming a real fight. Just in case. Sorry if we wasted your time, Jedidiah.

JEDIDIAH

Nah, nah, it’s… it’s fine. Sydney likes that I do this… the mediation stuff. So… it’s good.

MARISOL

Listen, if you think there should be… some kind of rules in place about what Sydney can and can’t say to the kids, I… That’s not unreasonable. But… can you focus on dealing with the Elephant Man? Can you help me get everyone else to focus on it too.

SALEM

Yes… yes okay.

MARISOL

Okay. I think I’m going to call my one meeting in the next few days, and I’m going to tell Lucille that she needs to do something.

SALEM

Yeah. I’ll back you up, okay?

MARISOL

Mm. Thank you.

SALEM

I’m sorry that my actions got you in trouble yesterday, by the way.

MARISOL

It’s alright. That wasn’t really your fault. Thank you anyways, though. And… I’m sorry for getting so mad at you.

SALEM

It’s alright, hon. I love you, alright?

MARISOL

I love you too.

JEDIDIAH

Right! Well… that was a pretty successful one. Usually I have to do a lot more… you know… actually mediating. Maybe you guys should ask for sessions more often.

MARISOL

(chuckling)

I hope we don’t have to.

JEDIDIAH

Session adjourned?

MARISOL

I think so.

SALEM

Yeah, it’s good with me. Marisol, can you get the mop and the bucket? Gotta take this stuff back to the admin building…

JEDIDIAH

I’ll be right out, you two. I’m gonna get rid of this tape.

SALEM

Right, that… good luck, I guess.

MARISOL

Right behind you, hun.

MARISOL

Where is everyone… ?

SALEM

(calling back)

Seems like something weird’s going on out here.

JEDIDIAH

Wish I was surprised…

(sigh) Sydney, I, I tried to defend you. I hope you would feel like I did a good job. Part of me wishes you could hear it…

Ahh. It’d be manipulative to show you. I’d only be causing trouble. But… (sigh) I’ll always try to defend you…

Christ, yeah, I can’t show him this. I promised I’d destroy it anyways. Whatever.

(Jedidiah opens a stall door and tosses the recorder in a toilet)

(toilet flushes)

(end music)

*Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Salem de La Marnierre was played by Crystal Lee. The part of Marisol Yuchengco was played by JV Hampton-VanSant.*