Two the Hard Way

**Todd:** *[sighs]* Alright, hold up, we're doin' this now. Gotta do this first. Hello, loyal viewers. I'm here to talk to you today about my sponsor, *[logo shows up onscreen for...]* ExpressVPN. Now, as you might be able to tell by the fact that I literally *[gestures around him]* shroud myself in darkness, my privacy is very important to me.

**Todd (VO):** That's why I use ExpressVPN, a virtual server that lets me surf anonymously and keeps identity thieves and perhaps overcurious fans out of my personal business.

**Todd:** And it has other uses too. Like, imagine if you were a music reviewer on YouTube whose income depended on access to a steady supply of semi-obscure music videos.

> *Shot of Todd googling the video for "Goin' to Vegas" by Jimmy Ray*
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**Todd (VO):** And it turns out that for some stupid reason, a whole bunch of them are only visible in Europe. That would get annoying and difficult really quickly. That's why I use ExpressVPN, which gets me around all those YouTube region blocks.

> **Jimmy:** Shakey shakey shake a-shake shakey
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**Todd:** So if you are, for example, really into J-Pop, and boy, am I ever...

> *Shot of J-Pop video unavailable in "your country"*
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**Todd (VO):** ...then enjoying your hobby will get a lot easier if you have ExpressVPN.

**Todd:** *[URL shows up onscreen: https://ExpressVPN.com/toddintheshadows]* Find out how you can get 3 months free by going to expressvpn.com/toddintheshadows, the link's in the description. *[sighs]* Alright, we're good? We're good. On with the show.

> *Brief shot of film leader*
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**Todd:** Okay. Being in a celebrity couple is hard.

**Todd (VO):** It's not just trying to maintain a relationship while living in the stressful, invasive world of show business. It's also the cruel, awful public judging your relationship just on how much they like the idea of the two of you together. Whether you look good in photos, how good your story is, if you complement each other based on some arbitrary criteria.

**Todd:** All of which can have nothing to do with the actual relationship.

> Clip from *Cleopatra*
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**Todd (VO):** People are still fascinated with the love story of Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, even though their marriage was famously volatile. *[Clips of...]* Meanwhile, I've got no curiosity about Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, or Jason Sudeikis and Olivia Wilde, even though they all seem perfectly happy.

**Todd:** But there's worse than disinterest. Some couples just produce outright *revulsion*.

**Todd (VO):** *[Clips of Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez...]* Whether it be a mismatch in glamour, *[...Chad Kroeger & Avril Lavigne...]* wildly conflicting energies, *[...Ariana Grande & Pete Davidson...]* or just plain obnoxious behavior, *[...and Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes]* some couples just hit a serious sour note to the world.

**Todd:** But, of course, any couple who's ever *[stock image of a couple kissing and another couple looking away in disgust]* annoyed their friends with PDA can tell you: it's hard to see that people aren't as infatuated with the two of you as you are with each other.

**Todd (VO):** *[Clips of Faith Hill & Tim McGraw...]* "Oh, I love you so much. We should do everything together, we'll be the next [Clip of...] Johnny *[Cash]* and June *[Carter]*, we'll be the next *[clip of]* Beyonce and Jay-Z."

**Todd**: Yeah. And that's how you get shit like *[clip from]* *Gigli*, or no end of unpleasant reality shows. And if you think this kind of coupling backfire is a new phenomenon from the *TMZ* era of celebrity culture, no, this has been going on for a *while*. *For example*...

> *Clip from* Cher
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> **Cher:** My next guest is a very special member of the rock music scene. He's a guitarist, a composer, he's also a good friend of mine, Mr. Gregg Allman.
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**Todd (VO):** Gregg Allman and Cher. The Ramblin' Man and the Dark Lady. *[Clip of Cher performing "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves"]* She was born in the wagon of a travelling show, *[Clip of the Allman Brothers Band performing "Ramblin' Man"]* and he was born in the back seat of a Greyhound Bus. *[Clip of Gregg Allman and Cher on* Cher*]* Two huge music names in the '70s and, *[image of Gregg Allman and Cher at their wedding]* for a good four years, they were husband and wife.

**Todd:** Yeah, not something many people think about now, but they were a big deal for a while.

> *Images of Cher and Greg Allman*
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**Todd (VO):** They were huge celebrities, they were young and hot and in love, they were all over the magazines, gossiped about by everyone. They were one of music's most prominent power couples.

**Todd:** *[beat]* That doesn't mean they were popular.

> *Clip of Cher performing*
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**Todd (VO):** Unfortunately for them, their marriage coincided with severe downward slides for the both of them professionally. *[Clip of Gregg Allman performing]* They were both still recording, but neither of them had a single hit record during the time they were together.
**Todd:** But the worst was to come.

> *Clip of Cher and Gregg performing "Move Me"*
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> **Cher and Gregg:** Move me
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**Todd (VO):** In late 1977, *[shot of article "Gregg, Cher Allman Merge Careers"]* the two of them decided to make an album *together*. Not a single person *[back to live footage]* thought it was a good idea except Cher and Gregg...
**Todd:** ...and I have doubts about Gregg.

> *Shot of* Two the Hard Way *tour poster*
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**Todd (VO):** The result was *Two the Hard Way*, a record that attempted to find a mid-point in their two styles and...
**Todd:** ...failed miserably.

> *Clip of Old Grey Whistle Test performance of "Love Me"*
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**Todd (VO):** The record failed, the tour failed, and the *[shot of article: "Cher to divorce Gregg Allman"]* marriage failed. It's probably not the record's fault *[back to live footage]* they divorced, but it sure didn't help.
**Todd:** How the *hell* did they think this was gonna turn out?

> **Cher:** Oh, oh Greggy, just to feel
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**Todd:** Good lord, I feel like I'm dying. This is Trainwreckords.

> *Trainwreckords intro, followed by album cover for*Two the Hard Way
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> Clip of live footage
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> **Gregg:** I'd like y'all to, um, meet a good, good, good friend of mine. She's also my wife. Miss Cher Allman.
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**Todd (VO):** The story of Cher and Gregg Allman is, you know, this is all gossip from my parents' generation. *[Image of Cher and Gregg]* One of many things that I discovered for myself when I was a budding music geek and...

**Todd:** ...you know, when you didn't live through it, all this stuff just kinda gets put in the same category of "the past". *[Images of...]* Burt Reynolds, Donna Summer, Leonid Brezhnev: all part of the same homogenous *[stock image of celebrities with caption: "The 1970's]* glob of "The '70s" to me.

**Todd:** But even as a kid, I knew those two people didn't go together. *[Images of...]* Gregg Allman and Cher. Gregg Allman. Cher. Gregg Allman and Cher. I don't get it.

> *Image of Cher and Gregg Allman in a hammock*
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**Todd (VO):** It must have made sense to them. They were both coming off really rough patches. *[Clip of the Allman Brothers Band performing "Statesboro Blues"]* When the two started dating in 1975, The Allman Brothers Band was falling apart after two major deaths, including Gregg's brother Duane, plus drug problems and ego clashes and they eventually broke up in '76. *[Clip of Cher - "Dark Lady"]* Cher was just coming off of filing divorce from her husband *[image of Cher with]* Sonny, who had steered her entire career up to that point, *["Dark Lady" video continues]* so she was in scary, uncharted waters. *[Clip from The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour]* Sonny Bono was controlling, business-minded, and not super masculine. *[Clip of Gregg Allman performing]* It's easy to guess that Cher went for a loose and wild bad boy like Gregg cause he was the exact opposite of Sonny.
**Todd:** But he was also the exact opposite of Cher!

> *Clip of The Allman Brothers Band performing "Dreams"*
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**Todd (VO):** Like, to be clear, Gregg Allman is the singer and keyboard player, who, with The Allman Brothers Band, invented southern rock in the late 60s. *[Clip of Cher performing "Signed, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours"]* And Cher was the glitzy Vegas act with the variety show on CBS.
**Todd:** It's just insane to think that this *[clip of the Allman Brothers Band performing "Ain't Wasting Time No More"]* grizzled singer from a biker band best known for hour-long guitar solos could fit musically with *[clip from* The Secret of Shark Island*]* a woman who solved mysteries with Scooby Doo! *[Clip of Cher and Gregg Allman performing "Don't Mess Up Your Good Thing"]* Putting them together makes about as much sense as... well, about as much sense as *[clip of Grammy performance of "Nobody But You" by...]* Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani. It's exactly like that, really. Awful couple. Just hate looking at 'em. *[Arrow points at Todd with text reading: "PART OF THE PROBLEM"]*

> *Clip of Gregg Allman performing "Midnight Rider"*
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**Todd (VO):** But actually, hold on. Maybe the match-up didn't *have* to fail. *[Clip of "Feelin' Alright" by...]* Joe Cocker was this big lumbering blues growler; *[clip of Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes performing "Up Where We Belong"]* he made at least one classic soft cheese duet.

> **Joe & Jennifer:** Love lifts us up where we belong
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Or for that matter, *[clip of "Born This Way" by...]* Lady Gaga's personality doesn't have anything to do with *[clip of...]* Bradley Cooper or the fictional rock star he played in *A Star is Born*. And they made one of the biggest hits of her career.

> *Clip of Bradley Cooper & Lady Gaga - "Shallow"*
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> **Bradley & Lady Gaga:** In the shallow, shallow
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**Todd (VO):** So we'll give a fair shot to Cher and Gregg.
**Todd:** Or "Chregg", as they were known. No. Well, here's the album opener and first single, "Move Me".

> *Clip of Old Grey Whistle Test performance of "Move Me"*
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**Todd (VO):** Okay. Okay, well, that's a pretty nice, you know...
**Todd:** ...light funk groove they've got goin', I'm diggin' this.

> **Cher and Gregg:** Move me, love the way you move me
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**Todd:** Aaaaand there it goes.

> **Cher and Gregg:** Soothe me, love the way you soothe me
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**Todd (VO):** Um...

**Todd:** ...okay, my first thought is this is not really much of a song.

**Todd (VO):** It's, I mean, it's kinda thin. No real hook on it.

**Todd:** But also they're just not doing anything to make their voices blend.

> **Cher and Gregg:** Soothe me
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**Todd (VO):** I think it's pretty clear that the selling point is not the actual music, it's the charge of seeing this...
**Todd:** ...real-life couple sing about their real-life love.

> **Cher and Gregg:** Makin' love with you, the things that you do
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> ...love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, love the way you...
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> *Clip of MST3K*
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> **Pearl and Observer (Mary Jo Pehl & Bill Corbett):** Loving lovers love as loving lovers
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> *Back to "Move Me"*
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> **Cher and Gregg:** I love, I love, I love...
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**Todd (VO):** And it just doesn't work 'cause, and I cannot repeat this enough...
**Todd:** ...Cher and Gregg Allman were a *terrible* couple.

> *Shot of People cover "Cher, Gregg & Baby" and* Two the Hard Way *album cover*
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**Todd (VO):** The eyes just instinctively turn away from them. Especially this terrible boudoir photo album cover. The wind blowing through Gregg's beautiful blonde tresses, like he's *[picture of...]* Andy Gibb or something. As if...

**Todd:** ...the effect isn't...

**Todd (VO):** ...completely blown by his *[zooms in on Gregg's face]* grizzly mutton chops and dopey expression on his face. "Duuuuuuh." He looks like an idiot. He makes her look like an idiot by association. Crawling over her in her tube top, get a room.

**Todd:** No one wants to see that.

> *Shot of Cher and Gregg Allman gig poster*
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**Todd (VO):** Oh, and notice also that it's ridiculously credited not to Gregg or *[video scans across band name on album cover]* Cher, but to "Allman and Woman" *[pronounced as "woah-man"]*. *[clip of Old Grey Whistle Test performance]* I guess to try and trick you into thinking that they're, like, a real separate band and not just a goofy vanity project. Like, this is a marketing disaster.
**Todd:** The songs on this could have cured cancer and no one would have bought it with that album cover.

> *Shot of album cover*
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**Todd (VO):** Why is her name not the one on the album?
**Todd:** It's *her* album!

> *Clip of* Cher & Gregg Allman *with "I Found You Love" dubbed over*
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**Todd (VO):** Like, here's the second song, "I Found You Love".

> **Cher:** I found you love, he's wonderful and true
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> He gonna spend his money, he gonna call me honey
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> **Gregg:** I'm gonna tease her
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**Todd:** *[throws his hands up]* *[announcer voice]* It's the Cher and Gregg Variety Hour!

> **Cher and Gregg:** Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
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**Todd (VO):** This doesn't sound a thing like Gregg Allman should be on it. It was actually produced by one of his regular producers, but it sounds exactly like the kitschy cover songs Cher would sing on her show.

**Todd:** Yeah, I know, it's funny, the pop cheese of the '70s sounds way more "authentic" than even alt-rock...

**Todd (VO):** ...does right now, with, you know, real instruments and everything...

**Todd:** ...but I can still tell the difference. This sounds like something *[clip of...]* Elvis Presley would have performed at his very fattest.

> *Clip of* Old Grey Whistle Test *with "In for the Night" dubbed over*
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> **Cher and Gregg:** Snuggle me mama like you used to
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**Todd (VO):** So why isn't this working? Why aren't they synergizing?
**Todd:** *[back cover of album superimposed over screen]* A lot of these songs are covers, so they were hits for somebody. It's not the songs' fault.

> *Clip of Sonny and Cher performing "The Beat Goes On"*
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**Todd (VO):** It's not like Cher can't duet. She started her career as part of a duo.
**Todd:** Like, yes, Gregg is a different kind of singer than Sonny Bono, but so what?

> *Clips of Cher, Chrissie Hynde & Neneh Cherry with Eric Clapton - "Love Can Build a Bridge" and Meat Loaf - "Dead Ringer For Love"*
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**Todd (VO):** Cher has duetted with tons of people.
**Todd:** Tons.

> *Clip of Cher with Beavis and Butt-head - "I Got You Babe"*
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> **Cher:** Babe
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> **Beavis and Butt-head (Mike Judge):** Dun dun, dun dun, dun dun
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> **Cher:** I got you babe
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**Todd:** See?

> *Clips of Cher singing with David Bowie, Elton John and Tina Turner*
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**Todd (VO):** Especially on her show, people watched her perform with wildly different vocalists week after week, including Gregg.
**Todd:** And it's not like she can't rock and roll either.

> *Clip of "If I Could Turn Back Time"*
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**Todd (VO):** My favourite Cher songs are from her arena rock period in the '80s. So, what's goin' on here?
**Todd:** Okay, well, here's my explanation for why none of that works in this album's favour.

> *Clip of* Old Grey Whistle Test *performance of "Love Me"*
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> **Cher:** If you ever go
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**Todd (VO):** First off, Cher has a very weird, inflexible voice. Depending on who you talk to, *[clip of "Believe"]* autotune became a thing entirely to hide her vocal deficiencies. *[Clip of Sonny & Cher performing]* And Sonny Bono was a bad singer, but in a way that complemented Cher's peculiar singing. It doesn't really work with an actual *good* singer like Gregg.
**Todd:** And the TV show, that's a show.

> *Clip of Cher & Raquel Welch performing "I'm A Woman"*
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**Todd (VO):** What works on TV doesn't necessarily work on a vinyl record. *[Clip from* The Kelly Clarkson Show*]* Kelly Clarkson is not gonna release a full CD of Kelly-oke.
**Todd:** *The Masked Singer* is not on Spotify!

> *Clip of Cher - "I Found Someone"*
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**Todd (VO):** As for Cher's arena pop era, that was way in the future. The power ballad had barely been *invented* yet in '77. *[Clip of Gregg Allman performing "Midnight Rider"]* And Gregg Allman was not that kind of rock star, anyway. He wasn't a rhinestone cowboy, he wasn't a corporate rocker, *[clip of Gregg Allman & Cher performing on* Cher*]* and no matter how many glittery outfits he puts on, he just cannot glam up enough for this.
**Todd:** But I knew all that going into this. What I didn't see coming is how little Gregg sounds like he's even *trying*.

> *Clip of Cher & Gregg Allman performing "Move Me"*
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> **Cher & Gregg:** Feels so good inside
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**Todd (VO):** Which is weird, right? Like, I've seen [*image of poster for* Shanghai Surprise*]* power couple projects like this fail, but not because either of the two people didn't want to be there.
**Todd:** Well, uh, I actually got a copy of his book *[*My Cross to Bear*]*, so why don't we see what he said?

> *The following text appears on screen next to an image of the book's cover:*
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**Todd** **(VO):** On Cher: I was really glad that she never asked me what I thought of her singing, because I'm sorry, but she's not a very good singer.
**Todd:** Huh. *[beat]* Well, that's a bad omen for the album.

> *Clip of Cher performing "Just Like Jesse James"*
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**Todd (VO):** I admit, I have never found her voice all that pleasant myself. But she's been a beloved world-famous vocalist for six decades, so I can see she's obviously done something right.
**Todd:** Also, I'm not married to her! Well anyway...

> As before, the following text appears next to the book's cover:
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**Todd (VO):** I tried to talk to her about her singing. [...] I tried to show her some vocal inflections and she showed some interest. Finally she said, "Why don't you produce a record for me?"
**Todd:** Boy, this album has the stink of "Yes, dear" all over it.

> *Audio for "You Really Got A Hold On Me" plays over* Old Grey Whistle Test *footage*
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> **Cher:** You really got a hold on me
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> **Gregg:** You really got a hold...
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**Todd (VO):** Okay, here's the song that started the project, apparently. A cover of Smokey Robinson's "You Really Got a Hold On Me". Gregg writes in his memoir that he was in the shower and Cher came up behind him and started singing it, and he joined in.

> **Cher:** Hold me
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> **Gregg:** Please
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> **Cher:** Hold me
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> **Gregg:** Oh, please
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**Todd (VO):** And they made a full version of it on the record, so it's very personal to them. It sounds very sexy and romantic...
**Todd:** ... If you don't know the song.

> **Cher & Gregg:** I don't like you, but I love you
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**Todd (VO):** "You Really Got a Hold On Me" is one of the great classic tunes about...
**Todd:** ...toxic co-dependence. It is a song of total misery.

> *Clip of Smokey Robinson & The Miracles performing "You Really Got a Hold On Me" on the* TAMI Show
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**Todd (VO):** You wouldn't think that way because it's got that classic Motown sound, but it's not a good sign *[Cher & Gregg Allman version continues]* when your marriage inspires your wife to start singing "I don't like you"!

> **Cher & Gregg:** I don't want you, but I need you
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**Todd (VO):** Yeah, if you can't tell by that, Cher and Gregg Allman were a hot gossip couple for all the wrong reasons.

> *Clip of Gregg Allman interview:*
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> **Gregg**: Yeah, a day in the life of, of Cher and Gregg Allman was... *[sighs in exasperation]*.
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**Todd (VO):** Gregg Allman was your classic rock and roll *[clip of The Allman Brothers Band performing]* fuck-up. He had bad problems with drugs and alcohol, he'd go missing for days. *[image of National Enquirer headline: "Fast Food Diet"]* There were reports of them going out to eat at like a fancy restaurant and him passing out in the linguini. *[Image of Cher and Gregg Allman on* Motion Picture *magazine]* Everyone was hearing about this stuff, and *[Image of Cher and Gregg Allman on* US *magazine]* people were tired of them. They were overexposed.
**Todd:** So you have this whole album full of songs about them being in love and having sex?

> *Audio for "In For the Night" plays over Old Grey Whistle Test footage*
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> **Cher & Gregg:** Slip off your old red flannel nightgown
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**Todd:** No one wanted that. No one was happy for them. *Certainly* not their respective fanbases.

> *Images of Cher & Gregg Allman appear on screen*
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**Todd (VO):** To his fans, she was the Yoko that broke up the band and turned him into a showbiz phony in stupid outfits. To her fans, Gregg was the pants-pissing wastoid ruining her life.

**Todd:** It's probably not wrong to guess that Cher, like so many troubled couples, was trying to make a big public show of how in love they were, and that everyone was wrong about them and they were actually gonna make it.

**Todd:** For example: this one song called... "We're Gonna Make It".

> *Audio for "We're Gonna Make It" plays over live footage*
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> **Gregg:** We might have to eat beans everyday, but we're gonna make it, I know...
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**Todd (VO):** It's a song about how they may not have much money and everyone thinks they can't survive, but gosh darn it, they will. Together.
**Todd:** I don't know if you know this, but Cher already had a song like that, *[clip of Sonny & Cher performing...]* with her first husband. It was called "I Got You Babe".

> **Sonny & Cher:** I got you babe
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**Todd:** *[sarcastically]* You might have heard of it.

> *"We're Gonna Make It" continues*
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> **Cher & Gregg:** We're gonna make it
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> **Gregg:** I know we will
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**Todd (VO):** So what it seems like is her trying to remake her old career with her new husband.

> *Clip of Sonny & Cher performing "We're Gonna Make It"*
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> **Cher:** And I know you've got mine
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> **Sonny & Cher:** And we're gonna make it
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**Todd (VO):** Wait, holy shit, she performed this actual same song with Sonny! *Wow*.
**Todd:** Did she cut and paste *[image of* Collectors Edition *album cover, photoshopped with Gregg's face obscuring Sonny Bono*] Gregg's face onto their old albums too? Well in any case it doesn't work. It feels weird to say this, but Gregg Allman is *no* Sonny Bono.

> *Clip from* The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour
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**Todd (VO):** Cher and Sonny had so much onstage chemistry that they were able to pack venues even after they divorced. *[Clip of Cher & Gregg Allman performing "Move Me" on* Old Grey Whistle Test*]* Cher and Gregg, from what I can find, have no onstage chemistry. It's really kind of impressive. He's all about the *music, man*, not the *pageantry*. So he's not even looking at her. Cher's eyes are on him the entire time, like she's trying to sell it, at least; he's not picking up the hint.
**Todd:** And he also just sounds really disinterested.

> *Clip of different performance of "Move Me"*
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> **Cher & Gregg:** Love the way you soothe me
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**Todd (VO):** Though that might be because he's got enough *junk* in his veins to kill a sperm whale.

**Todd:** And as badly as the album did, the tour did even worse.

**Todd (VO):** They were just supposed to go on a quick, month-long tour of Europe. I don't think they had any problems selling tickets.

**Todd:** The problem was that Gregg Allman had fans, and Cher had fans, but Gregg Allman and Cher did *not* have fans. *[Clip of Cher performing "Could Have Been Dreaming"]* So you had this tuxes and pearls crowd expecting a Caesar's Palace show, vs. *[clip of The Allman Brothers Band performing "Whipping Post"]* a bunch of roughneck hippies who wanted to smoke pot and hear some *goddamn* rock and roll! *["Move Me" continues]* The tour was called off after about a week, cause the two different groups were getting in fights.

**Todd:** Allman Brothers fans were getting in fights with Cher fans. I think we have footage of this.

> *Clip from* Blazing Saddles
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> **Dancer:** You brute, you brute, you brute, you vicious brute! *[Cries]*
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**Todd:** Now, I'm not gonna lie and tell you the album is 100% terrible.

> Audio for "Do What You Gotta Do" plays over Old Grey Whistle Test Footage
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> **Gregg:** I don't blame you much for wanting to be free
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**Todd (VO):** They do a duet on Jimmy Webb's "Do What You Gotta Do", which is a sad breakup song.

> **Cher:** You just do what you gotta do
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**Todd (VO):** Even though their voices are still mismatched, there is some emotion there. Especially knowing that they wouldn't last much longer.
**Todd:** Probably not great for them that their breakup songs sound better than their love songs. Honestly, it would probably have been better and more successful if they just leaned into the chaos of their marriage.

> *Audio for "Shadow Dream Song" plays over footage of Gregg Allman performing "Midnight Rider"*
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> **Gregg:** I meant to call her name, I meant to take her hand
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**Todd (VO):** And there was one song I liked a lot called "Shadow Dream Song", which was written by *[image of...]* a very young Jackson Browne back in the '60s.
**Todd:** A couple people have done versions of it, but Allman does the best one I found.

> *Footage continues*
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> **Gregg:** What was that song she sang in the morning, about the Princess and the Prince
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**Todd (VO):** I think this is actually really good, up there with the classic Allman tracks. *[Clip of Cher dancing]* And it's worth noting that Cher is barely on it.
**Todd:** So yeah, that's my verdict: it's not a total loss. So why don't we finish off with one of the final tracks called *[image of album tracklist, with the following song circled in red:]* "I Love Makin' Love to You".

> *Audio for "I Love Making Love to You" plays over clip from* Cher
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> **Cher:** Oh it feels so fine, every time, ooh, I love making love to you
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> **Gregg:** Anywhere, I don't care, oh, I love making love to you
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**Todd (VO)**: Okay, this is straight up a Captain & Tennile song.
**Todd:** Yeah, screw this, we're done. *[Points finger in mouth and gags]*

> **Cher:** Cause there's no lightning or thunder...
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**Todd (VO):** No, no, actually, why don't we let this song stand as a symbol for the entire record? It's every problem with this record in one song. First it's a gross display of love by a couple no one liked to begin with, and it's laid with enough corny, Vegas-y, Tony Orlando-style horns and backup singers to mark it as irredeemably lame. This album sounds like the *Family Feud* theme. That's the main problem with this entire record: it sounds like '70s cheese TV. It's "The Gregg and Cher Allman Family Variety Smile Time Hour", *[clip from* Donny & Marie*]* with special guests, The Harlem Globetrotters! *[Clip of "Move Me" on The Old Grey Whistle Test]* Now, in the aftermath, Cher said she loved making the record [the following text appears on screen] but, quote, "that album didn't stand a chance [...] everybody hated that we were together", while Gregg said *[text appears alongside cover for* My Cross to Bear*]* "That record sucked, man. It bit the dirt, and it didn't sell shit. There was one, maybe two decent songs on that record, but it was basically terrible, just awful".
**Todd:** Jesus.

> *Image of newspaper article: "Third Gregg-Cher Split Announced"*
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**Todd (VO):** Cher divorced him for good in 1979, and by that point, the tabloids barely even covered it cause everyone was so sick of them. *[Footage of "Move Me" continues]* And yes, you can actually blame the record for their divorce arguably. He started drinking again on the tour, and that was the final straw for her.

**Todd:** This album feels a lot like having a baby to save the marriage.

**Todd (VO):** It's bad for the both of you, and it fucks up the baby.

**Todd:** So, Trainwreckords is supposed to be a show about career-ending albums. Did it? Well funny thing about that.

> *Image of Chartmasters article, "Now That's What I Call a Major Flop"*
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**Todd (VO)**: I once found a list of the biggest flop albums, as measured by the biggest sales drop from the album before.
**Todd:** Cher is on this list *nine times*.

> Clip of Cher performing on ABC
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**Todd (VO):** So it seems there's no disaster she can't weather. *[Clip of Gregg Allman performing "Come and Go Blues"]* Things did not go so well for Gregg, whose classic records with The Allman Brothers were well behind him at that point, and who didn't beat his substance abuse problems for decades. *[Clip of The Allman Brothers Band performing "Jessica" in 1982]* That said, the band reunited shortly after this, and that next album did okay, *[clip of Gregg Allman performing "I'm No Angel"]* and Gregg solo had a minor comeback in the late '80s so, arguably, this is not a Trainwreckord in the truest sense.
**Todd:** But I'll tell you what: it sure as hell ended the career of "Allman and Woman"!

> *Clip of "Move Me" performed on The Old Grey Whistle Test*
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**Todd (VO):** That band broke up and never reunited, thank the fucking Lord! And if I could turn back time, if I could find a way..
**Todd:** I would make sure this album never existed. Oof. *[gets up and leaves]*

> *Performance of "Move Me" ends*
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*Ending music: Todd plays "You Really Got a Hold On Me" on piano*

***THE END***

***"Two the Hard Way" is owned by Warner Bros. Records***

***This video is owned by me***

***THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!!***