Bad Romance

**Todd**: All right, all my friends told me I had to review "Bad Romance." It was just the biggest thing in the entire universe at the time and we all watched the video over and over again. And...yeah, it's a...it's a bit of a weird thing; like, this one has a different feel than a lot of the ones I do, partly because I am not sure how I feel about it. Even now, I'm not sure how I feel about "Bad Romance." And...it's also different because this is the one where I talk about how horrifically evil Lady Gaga is, and generally I got tired of doing that really quickly. I mean, I did that at the end of the "Like a G6" video, but mostly that's not what I choose to do. And...still...not sure how I feel about it. I just felt kind of obligated because it was just the biggest song in the universe. It's, um...I don't know, this one feels weird to me, I w...but I was quite proud of how I turned out, and the scream, I practiced that in the car over and over again 'til I was hoarse because I wanted to sound terrified. I...I hope that came across. All right, episode #7, Lady Gaga - "Bad Romance."

*[Fades out]*

*[Fade into Todd "playing" "Bad Romance" on his piano.]*

***LADY GAGA - BAD ROMANCE
A pop song review***

**Todd**: Look, I've already said my piece about the grotesque parody of humanity known as Lady Gaga. Basically, I think she's an unholy source of pure evil and that she's eventually gonna wipe humanity off the face of the Earth, and there's nothing we can do to stop it. And I think there's no better evidence of this than the continuing dominance of "Poker Face."

*Clip from* South Park
**Cartman**: *[singing as Kyle and Kenny play* Rock Band*]* I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas please...
*From* Friday Night with Jonathan Ross
**Christopher Walken**: *[reading]* Fold em, let em hit me, raise it baby, stay with me, I love it
**Todd**: In fact, even though I *hate* "Poker Face," I've discovered that I really like "Poker Face"

*[Playing and singing]
Can't read my, can't read my
No you can't read my poker face*

*[breaking down]* I...I...I'm so scared!

*Video for "Paparazzi"*
**Todd (VO)**: But apparently, some people think I'm being silly, and there's nothing scary about her at all. Well, fine! I'll give her another shot.

**Todd**: So today, we're gonna look at her newest single, "Bad Romance"—a simple song of love gone wrong. What could be the harm in that?

*Video for "Bad Romance"*
**Gaga**: Roma-roma-ah-ah
**Todd**: Huh?

*Various clips of the video play, with Todd just sitting back wondering what he's looking at, until...*
**Todd**: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE'S A DEMON FROM HELL!!! SHE'S GONNA KILL US ALL!!! HOW ARE YOU NOT SEEING THIS?!?!?! YOU'VE GOTTA BELIEVE ME!!!

*Clips from* Invasion of the Body Snatchers*...*
**Bennell**: They're here already! You're next!
*...*The Twilight Zone *episode...*
**Patty**: *To Serve Man*, it's...it's a cookbook!
*...and of course...*
**Thorn (Charlton Heston)**: Soylent Green is people!
**Todd**: *[catching his breath]* Okay. Let's...let's just agree that I'm right, and let's...let's just listen to the song.

**Gaga**: Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Gaga ooh-la-la!
**Todd**: My God. I've gone insane!

**Todd (VO)**: Oh, wait. That's the song. I thought the voices in my head had returned. Whew.

What is this?

**Todd**: Ro...roma?! Like...like gypsies? Is that supposed to be some kind of gypsy chant? Oh, so it's like *[Cher singing...]* "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves"...if you beat it in the head repeatedly with a hammer.

**Todd (VO)**: Actually, I don't even know *what* that is! What is this?!

**Gaga**: *[question marks fill up video]* Want your bad romance
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
**Todd (VO)**: Did she run out of English? Is she summoning Cthulhu?

**Todd**: This song...I don't even know if you can *call* this a song. This is a video that happens to have some music in it, and that's not a good thing because the video is complete nonsense. I mean, I...I guess she's...

**Todd (VO)**: ...grown in a lab. Maybe...then sold as a sex slave, I guess. And then she makes her buyer explode?

**Todd**: What?

**Gaga**: Ohhhhhhh.....caught in a bad romance
**Todd (VO)**: What am I looking at here?!

**Todd**: Outside of Chuck Palahniuk novels, I don't think I've ever seen a beautiful woman do this much to make herself look unattractive! What makes a pop singer decide that she wants to make a whole video where she looks like a Silent Hill monster?!

**Gaga**: I want your ugly...
**Todd**: You have enough of your own! *[Beat]* Remember her first video, "Just Dance"?

*Clip of "Just Dance"*
**Todd (VO)**: That was practically normal, wasn't it? What happened?!

**Todd**: Now, I realize that all pop stars evolve over time, like how we went from *[clips of "Like a Virgin"...]* thrift-store Madonna to *[..."Vogue"...]* cone-bra Madonna, or how we went from *[..."Sometimes"...]* sweet Britney to *["3"]* skank Britney. But "Just Dance" came out *this year*. This is all in the space of *one album*. She's not *evolving* as an artist, she's *mutating* as an artist. By the end of next year, she's gonna be just an enormous *[clip from* Akira*]* blob of protoplasm crushing the world.

*[clears throat]* Actually, actually, I'm told I need to correct myself here. "Bad Romance" is not technically off of Lady Gaga's *[cover of...]* debut album *The Fame*, but off the special edition re-release entitled... *[cover of* The Fame Monster*]* God, people! She's not even *trying* to hide it!

**Gaga**: I want your ugly, I want your disease
**Todd**: Well, if you've got the money, honey, we've *got* your disease.

*Clip of Guns n Roses - "Welcome to the Jungle"*
**Axl Rose**: In the jungle
Welcome to the jungle, won't you...
**Todd**: No, no, no, no, no. Focus, focus...courage...courage...

**Gaga**: I want your everything as long as it's free
I want your love
Love love love (LOV LOV LOV)
*[Todd imitates the dance in the video]* (...Rip off "Thriller" much?)
I want your drama, the touch of your hand
**Todd (VO)**: *[singing to tune]* A little gambling is fun when you're with me

*Clip of "Poker Face"*
**Gaga**: Russian Roulette is...
**Todd (VO)**: All right, hold up. This is clearly just "Poker Face" with some crazy voodoo chant stapled onto it, although at least they took out the part about "bluffin' with my muffin."

**Todd**: Oh, but Lady Gaga didn't just recycle the structure, tempo, key signature and instrumentation of "Poker Face." No, no, no. I'd like to congratulate Lady Gaga on her *fourth straight song* desecrating and perverting the idea of love.

*Clips of "Poker Face"*...
**Gaga**: And baby, when it's love, if it's not rough, it isn't fun (LOVE=ABUSE)
*..."Love Game"...*
**Gaga**: Let's play a love game,
Play a love game
Do you want love or you want fame? (LOVE=GROSS CLUB SEX)
*..."Paparazzi"...*
**Gaga**: Baby you'll be famous
Chase you down until you love me (LOVE=STALKING)
*..."Bad Romance"*
**Gaga**: I don't wanna be friends
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Want your bad romance
Caught in a bad romance
Want your bad romance (I DON'T KNOW)
**Todd**: Man, I can't wait for her next single, *[single cover of...]* "Graveyard Love Murder."

**Gaga**: I want your horror
**Todd**: Again, you have enough of your own! All this stuff about wanting to be corrupted would make a whole lot more sense if she wasn't obviously...

**Todd (VO)**: ...already a minion of Satan. Now, if Miley Cyrus sang this, then that'd be something. In the meantime, I can only assume that "caught in a bad romance" refers to her victim, not her.

**Gaga**: I want your psycho, your vertigo schtick
Want you in my rear window, baby, you're sick
**Todd**: Hitchcock references? Why? To what end? Those didn't even make any sense! I can do that.

I hope...the birds rope notorious Rebecca north by northwest. *[gives up]*

**Gaga**: I want your love
Love, love, love (LA BLA BLA)
**Todd**: Is there a reason why she's singing this like a vampire with Down's syndrome?

**Gaga**: Love, love, love (BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD)
I want your love (I WANT YOUR BLOOD)
**Todd**: I think she's just rubbing our faces in the fact that she can put out anything she wants at this point and still be famous. Either that or she's just profoundly drunk.

**Gaga**: I want your love
I don't wanna be friends
Je veux ton amour
Et je veux ta revanche
**Todd (VO)**: Oh, my God!

**Todd**: QUIT WITH THE BIZARRE, WEIRD, MADE-UP CRAZY LANGUAGE!!! WHY CAN'T YOU USE ACTUAL WORDS?!?!

**Gaga**: Je veux ton amour
Et je veux ta revanche
**Todd (VO)**: Oh, wait, was that French? That was French. Never mind.

**Gaga**: Caught in a bad romance
Want your bad romance (WATCH YA BORROW MAN!!!)
**Todd (VO)**: And she's gone completely incoherent.

**Todd**: You know what? Now that I've actually heard this song all the way through a few times, it's not so bad. I mean, it's weird, takes a little while to get used to, but you know, once you get past all that, it's not so bad. I mean, it's catchy, it's upbeat, I can dance to it...yeah, this is... You know, I think I actually kinda like this a little. Yeah.

**Gaga**: Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Gaga ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance
**Todd**: *[breaks down and cries]* Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...

*Closing tag song: Bernard Herrmann - Theme from* Psycho

***THE END
"Bad Romance" is owned by Interscope Records
This video is owned by me***