Effrijim Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Jim finally arrives in Paris, via the Helsinki portal. The Helsinki portal is apparently owned and run by a *“portal company.”* Wait; there are portal companies? Is this common knowledge in Jim's world? Is this some sort of technomagical alternate reality, a la Piers Anthony's *Incarnations of Immortality* series? If so, this has never been referenced before, and isn't adequately explained now.

Or, more likely, it's stupid, pointless attempt at a throw-away joke. Either way it calls for a drink. \~/

Anyway, no sooner is Jim back on the streets of Paris then he's grabbed and thrown in the back of a black van. Sadly, this proves to be, not a hit squad hired by the Literary Decency Society, but a tall, thin black woman with *“a very cool Haitian accent*” named Anyen. Anyen is a “ghede,” which Wikipedia tells me is a spirit associated with death and fertility in Haitian Vodou.

Anyen whines that she's trying to collect revenants and build an undead army, but that *“it's impossible to do that in Haiti anymore. Ever since that damned Internet became popular, everyone knows how to protect themselves from us.”* Umm...okay, sure. I'll buy that and move on.

Ah, it turns out that Anyen is not Jim's abductor, but rather a fellow abductee. Anyen speculates that they've both been abducted by *“That new Venediger,”* which conveys absolutely nothing to me. Apparently the “Venediger” has been kidnapping supernatural beings because they have *“dark origins”* or because she doesn't think they fit into the mortal world. Anyen declares that she will be *“complaining to the Akashic League about it! Only they have the right to hold a ghede, and they would not be so foolish to do so.”*

The Akashic League? What, the Hell League? Who are they and what do they have to do with ghedes or anything else? \~/

Ah, but it turns out Jim knows the Venediger (whatever the hell a Venediger may be). Her name's Jovana, and Aisling apparently helped put her in power, so Jim is sure he'll soon be released. The Nameless Thugs take Jim and Anyen to a *“hoppin' nightclub”* called Goety and Theurgy, and, despite Jim constantly telling them that he knows the Venediger, drag them down to basement and lock them in a small room furnished with a cot. Jim makes a few more joke-shaped sentences \~/ and suddenly it's eighteen hours later.

Oh, incidentally, Jim uses the phrase *“Devils and demons”* as an oath. Isn't that like me saying “Apes and humans!” when I'm upset? \~/

The Thugs reappear and haul Jim out of his cell. They also bring along Anyen, just because. Seriously, there's no real reason for them to do so, but they do. \~/ Our he . . . well, the *characters* end up in a back room with a conference table. A small, well-dressed woman with a pageboy haircut is present, and she turns out to be Jovana, the Van-Digger. Jim breezily introduces himself, and Jovana orders her Thugs to *“Take the sacrifice to the table.”* She then produces a wavy-bladed silver dagger and declares her intent to sacrifice Jim, destroying his physical form and consigning his spirit back to Abaddon.

Jim whines that she can't do that, and Jovana says, sure she can, since he's *“charged with violation of the Roaming Demon Ordinance of 2008.”* \~/ I think that's meant to be humorous. Jim mentions Aisling by name, and Jovana says that *“Aisling Grey is one of the most powerful Guardians in the Guardians' Guild. She is a savant, especially gifted, and someone I do not wish to cross.”*

I can't take a drink for that since Aisling is barely even in this short story, but just . . . having read the other spork, wow. This is like calling a plastic spoon Excalibur.

Anyen supports Jim's claim, but Jovana decides not to accept her word. Jim suddenly realizes that, hey, he's a freaking *demon.* Specifically, he turns to Anyen and says *“We're immortal”* while *“thinking about Cecile's warm, furry little ears.”* \~/

He and Anyen charge Jovana, and when she dodges, they smash through the window (there was a window to the demon sacrifice room? \~/) and escape. The Thugs follow them for *“a couple more hours,”* but fortunately no one notices a man dressed as a gay bondage freak being chased by a bloody thug through the streets of Paris. \~/

Anyen escapes the story (lucky so-and-so) and Jim eventually ends up at Amelie's place, home of Cecile the allegedly-sexy Corgi. He storms in and Amelie directs him to the shower. En route, he meets Cecile the Corgi and *“kissed her all over her adorable pointy little snout.”* \~/ There's some nauseating chatter directed at the poor, innocent Corgi, and we learn that Jim has only one day left of his promised vacation.

Jim showers and decides he can't bear to put the thong-and-codpiece outfit back on. Just then he hears Drake and Aisling chatting with Amelie; it seems they're back a day early. Jim stomps out indignantly to confront them . . . naked, of course. \~/

There's some more “witty” banter, another reference to Jim's genitals, \~/ and Jim is returned to dog form. Our story ends with Aisling telling Jim about an outbreak of kobolds and imps they need to deal with; after all, he's had ten whole days of vacation, ha ha. \~/

More importantly, OUR STORY ENDS!

Drinks: 13

Genital Count: 8

Grand Total Drinks: 60

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**Afterthoughts**

It has been said that the worst kind of bad movie is a bad comedy, and the same appears to be true of literature. *The Perils of Effrijim* is clearly *intended* as a comedy, but the problem is that Katie MacAlister seems to have no understanding of how to write humor. Instead, she substitutes pop culture references and male genitalia. Unfortunately, these things are not inherently funny on their own; they still require timing, context, and skillful delivery to entertain.

Furthermore, *Effrijim* fails as a story even ignoring the purported humor. The protagonist is unlikeable and annoying, important plot details are ignored, characters are shallow and just plain stupid, and *deus ex machinas* abound. Overall, this story reads as though it was written by a horny teenage boy, only with less attention to the female characters' sexual characteristics.