MYB/5-11-19

I know, it's a little early. And by I little early, I mean it's 12 AM but might as well write this than go to sleep curled in a ball, sobbing. I'm probably going to do that anyway but now someone will know why. Question, that probably won't get answer but, does anyone read these? Does anyone see what's going on inside my head? I know my journaling is very sporatic and kind of just happens when it happens but I felt the need to journal now. I was actually going to write something on the sixth but I never started it. I realized I should probably have a happier entry in here or something, so everyone's not convinced im on the verge of death and then realized, this is my journal and no one else really seems interested in my affairs so does it really matter? Which has lead me to conclude this is going to be one depressing internet diary.

I don't really know what I want to write down but I do know my chest hurts. It's probably more from throat, which was hurting when I woke up from my nap but it was hurting, and that's kind of all that's important, I guess. Yesterday was pretty good, I guess. Today was supposed to be good but ended on a stupid note and now I want to cry so that's always good. This entry probably won't be very long because I don't really want to write anything. I was kind of starting this to just get myself to spill so I wouldn't just bottle it up like normal but I guess we're bottling it up like normal. It's ironic how even when I try to be better, I end up being worse anyway. It's no wonder why no one likes me. I don't really like me either.

Soc went to sleep. She's been going to lseep around twelve now but I think it's more of she's in my timezone now so I'm not used to the concept of her going to sleep around my time. I typically stay up later than that to talk to her so I guess, I just need to get used to her being in my timezone and everything. I haven't consistently posted in several days but it's kind of like I just don't have anything to say at the moment. I think Soc's a little upset with me, and maybe it's I'm being stupid. I actually thought for a second that she was hiding it but Soc doesn't really hide stuff like me. I guess this is why I need her and not the other way around.

I've been trying to even out the blame so I don't beat myself up about anything but I've already kind of started and it's not like anyone is really around to counteract that so it's probably just going to happen. I really don't think I should've joined. I can't really do dynamics. They fall apart too easily and I just don't trust anyone with my characters like that, I have characters from so many dynamics I've scrapped because it falls through and I'm just not ready for that. And it makes me feel worse that I only really joined because Soc asked me too and not because I wanted to. I really shouldn't even be in the groupchat but here I am so whatever. I thought about leaving it for a little while. I didn't but I closed Discord and I'm planning to mute VV so I guess I'll just be gone with no warning, Knowing me, I'll probably get sick of myself and check if Soc's around but then I'll feel even worse,

I don't even know why I'll feel bad, I just will. I will because I always feel bad about something even if it's stupid. Even if there's legitimately no reason to feel like shit, I feel like shit. I thought Soc might get worried but she doesn't jump to the worst case scenario like I do. Which means she'll be fine and I just won't be around. I never realized how much harder it is to convince yourself someone wants you around opposed to if someone doesn't. You'd think it'd be the opposite right, that it'd be harder to convince yourself that no one wants you around but it's not like that for me. I always feel like that. No one wants me around because it always feels like no one wants me around. Even the people that I talk to the most. And you know, I'm supposed to think it's not true but it's so hard. I still have to convince myself, sometimes everyday that people care.

I think I'm gonna ask next time I go in but I think I might have an inferioty complex. Someone brought it up to me today and I kept thinking about it. I don't really know the diagnosable signs of that so I can't really be sure but I feel inferior all the time so might be it, might just be because I am a shitty human being. We'll see. I should go to sleep or something. I think it'd be good. I'm not really tired but there's no point in being awake. No one to talk to. I could world build or watch YouTube or right or finish Khai but honestly I'm so fucking tired of myself that I think I might just go to sleep. I think I'm going to sleep. Goodnight, I guess.