S01E09 - May the Best Man Win

## May the Best Man Win

Who will win Hermione's heart...and other parts?

The episode opens with Allie and Lyndsay reading a few of their reviews (from Itunes?). They then promote the merchandise that is available before proceeding with the episode proper.

They recapped what occurred in season 8, but did not specifically reference The Pensieve that was introduced in the previous episode. Before starting the reading, Lyndsay apologizes for trying to implement The Pensieve, Improper Use of Magic, and Weekly Prophet and proclaims them "dumb". Though the latter two are officially dropped, The Pensieve is actually specifically referenced minutes later by Lyndsay and becomes a regular segment of the podcast.

Season 2 is officially confirmed to be happening and they encourage listeners to submit their stories to hi@potteroticapodcast.com (no violence, underage or other squicky topics). Allie and Lyndsay give a shout out to Danny and promise he will be back for more episodes in season 2 because he is a listener favourite! Also thanks given to their podcast editor Susan and the "tech gal" Jessie, and Allie's friend Mark that helped develop the podcast logo.

The chapter is entitled "Epilogue" and is the final episode of season 1.

## Episode Summary

Ron finds out about the Prefect's Bathroom shenanigans and does not take it well. Hermione gets her groove back.

## Potterotic Shoutout

* Cassie, for listening on her honeymoon, which must have been even more erotic thanks to the podcast.

## Notable Moments

* Insecure/passive Hermione is a real lady boner killer.
* Season summary: creepy old man in a midlife crisis
* *Never* "never change" from your high school self. We all suck at that age.
* Allie was perhaps a "less edgy goth" in high school (Gadzooks reference in which she admits to wearing a "Me So Thorny" shirt with a hedgehog in sunglasses on it)
* Allie's casting couch: Danny DeVito should be cast in the new Beauty & the Beast as Belle's dad.
* Recording from Allie's dining room table this time...which means they don't get to enjoy the Allie oil painting while recording.
* Allie apologizes for her slightly Urkel-esque voice that she has a tendency to use (Never change Allie!)
* Lyndsay apologizes for The Pensieve, Improper Use of Magic, etc. and says it's dumb...that's going to come back to bite them later.
* For some reason Muzak is playing through all these apologies.
* Lyndsay gets pumped that Ron makes an appearance!
* Lyndsay is confused about the concept of an Alternate Universe (AU) since she is new to fanfiction and tries to do some mental gymnastics to get the story to fit within the Canon timeline (tries to slot it between the two Deathly Hallows movies).
	+ This is despite the hosts repeatedly acknowledging that Hermione was "20" (incorrectly, she's 19) in Episode 5 and her only being 17 in the books/movies at the time of the Battle of Hogwarts.
* Ron refers to Hermione as a "doormat"
* Lyndsay takes issue with the jerky characterization of her beloved Ron, "This is not the Ron I know and I am upset."
* Why is Snape being vengeful to Ron if he won the girl? Grow up, Snape!
* My Dad Wrote A Porno reference. Lyndsay proposes the Harry version would be "Harry Shrugged".
* Hermione Got Her Groove Back.
* There's a lot of noticing happening.
* The actor that plays Dean Thomas is one tall drink of water (...but also malnourished?) and can currently be seen on Shondaland's How to Get Away with a Murder, Monday night at 8 Central on ABC (that's probably not true; I just added it as a joke. I don't even know what network that show is on, let alone when it airs.)
* Ron was GOBSMACKED! Great word!
* Ron morphs into Scooby Doo when he's gobsmacked and Allie impersonates it. Allie is available for voiceover work.
* Hermione finally grows a backbone...but only with Ron.
* Lyndsay and Allie's use of the word "shag" was previously exclusive to Austin Powers. Allie does another impersonation.
* Where's all the boning happening besides the Prefect's Bathroom? They all share bedrooms? (later discover that Hermione has a private apartment? in Hogwart's?)
* Hermione taunts Ron with "All. of. this". He's got to EARN it.
* Lyndsay hopes for a HG + RW happily ever after, but is bracing for disappointment.
* Magical romance ideas that are NOT used in this story, which instead opts for Muggle things:
	+ Flowers that grow as she looks at them
	+ Flower bud pays her a compliment as it opens
	+ Flower smells like something she loves, like fresh parchment.
	+ Chocolates that taste like whatever she desires at the time (like dongs)
* If you want to woo Lyndsay, do NOT kiss her hand. Snape may have ruined hand stuff for Lyndsay forever.
* Gasping Lyndsay
* Callback to Worship 1 and Worship 2
* Took to the very last line, but there's finally some MAGIC!
* Hufflepuff maligning (Allie thinks they would be a dud in the sack)
* 2 Coarse 2 Hairy (2 Fast 2 Furious reference)
* Lyndsay refers to "PWP" as "Porn with Plot", however this actually appears to be an acronym for "Plot? What Plot?"
	+ *PWP = Plot? What Plot? -- refers to stories with a defining characteristic of little to absolutely no plot. May be vignettes, character studies or, most frequently, pure sex. Due to the latter, the term is in the process of evolving to also mean Porn Without Plot. See also: Porn, Smut and/or Vignette*
* Discussion of Bone/Marry/Dump results. Consensus: Nobody wants to bone Harry...unless it's for bragging rights.