West Coast Avengers: S1E2 ''The Girl Who Controls Squirrels''

## Script

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>  This episode contains strong themes of abuse. Reader discretion is advised.
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**INT. WCA HQ- DAY**

[Squirrel Girl wakes up, her hair is messy and she is wearing a large t-shirt that covers all that needs to be covered. She slowly gets out of bed and passes Tippy-Toe, her squirrel, who is sleeping in a dog bed that is definitely too big. Squirrel Girl sleepily walks into the bathroom that is connected to her room. She looks at herself in the mirror and sighs.]

S.G: Bad hair day, am I right Tip?

[The squirrel doesn't respond because it's a squirrel. Squirrel Girl picks up a hairbrush and brushes her unruly hair until it's ruly.]

S.G: Today is going to be a good day... Today is going to be a good day.

[Squirrel Girl steps out of her bathroom and- her phone is ringing... She picks up.]

S.G: Hello?

Speedball: (on the phone) Doreen! You're awake!

S.G: Yeah. Is that surprising?

Speedball: Well, we're kinda on a mission right now and you're missing it.

S.G: Wait, you all went on a mission without me?!

Speedball: Yeah and let me tell you...

**INT. CHURCH- SAME.**

Speedball: It's kinda gross.

[We see Speedball and the rest of the West Coast Avengers standing in a church. 8 dead bodies lie in many places. Some laying in pews, some hanging from the ceiling and one body- the priest- laying in the arms of a statue angel.]

S.G: (on the phone) Okay, explain the scene to me.

Speedball: Lots of dead people in a church.

Hawkeye: Robbie! Get off the phone!

Speedball: It's Doreen!

[Hawkeye takes the phone out of Speedball's hands.]

Hawkeye: Hi. Are you alright?

S.G: Yeah, why do you ask?

Hawkeye: You were talking in your sleep.

S.G: What was I saying?

Hawkeye: "No, no, stop. Get off of me."

S.G: Oh.

Hawkeye: Did something happen?

CUT BACK TO:

**INT. WCA HQ- SAME.**

[Squirrel Girl is silently crying.]

Hawkeye: (on the phone) Doreen?

[Squirrel Girl wipes away her tears.]

S.G: I'm fine. Everything's fine.

Hawkeye: Are you sure?

S.G: Yeah, absolutely.

Hawkeye: You can sit this mission out if you want to.

S.G: Yeah. Yeah, thanks.

[Squirrel Girl hangs up the phone and then sits down on her bed. She stares at the corner of her room. Tippy-Toe comes up to Squirrel Girl and snuggles up to her. Tippy-Toe looks up to Doreen and squeaks.]

S.G: I'm fine.

[Another squeak.]

S.G: I promise.

[Yet another squeak.]

S.G: Do I ever miss him? No, of course not, he...

[Squirrel Girl's face slowly morphs into a face of realisation- she does miss him. She misses him so much, and she feels awful about it. Tippy-Toe gives a concerned squeak.]

S.G: No, no. I'm not gonna go see him...

[She's lying to herself.]

S.G: I'm definitely not going to see him...

[A beat of silence.]

S.G: Fuck it, I'm gonna go see him.

**EXT- UPPER NEW YORK HOUSE- DAY**

[Squirrel Girl stands in front of a suburban house. A car with the SHIELD logo sits in the driveway.]

S.G: Why the fuck am I doing this?

[Tippy-Toe, who is sitting on Squirrel Girl's shoulder, squeaks.]

S.G: Yeah, I know it was my idea. Are we even sure this is his house?

[A squeak of confirmation.]

S.G: Okay...

[Squirrel Girl walks up to the front door and knocks, a man around Squirrel Girl's age opens the door.]

Man: Doreen?

S.G: Hey Phineas.

Phineas: What are you doing here?

S.G: I... I guess I wanted to see you.

Phineas: Do you want to come in?

S.G: Yeah, sure.

[Phineas looks at Tippy-Toe.]

Phineas: You have to leave that rat thing outside.

S.G: She's not a rat..

Phineas: I don't care, it's creepy.

[Tippy-Toe turns her head in confusion.]

S.G: Okay, sure.

[Squirrel Girl picks up Tippy-Toe and puts her down in front of the house.]

S.G: Stay here, okay? I'll be back.

[Tippy-Toe sadly squeaks as Squirrel Girl walks inside.]

**INT- PHINEAS' HOUSE- CONT.**

[Squirrel Girl and Phineas awkwardly sit on a couch, not talking to each other, not looking at each other.]

Phineas: So, uh, what are you doing these days?

S.G: I'm an Avenger.

Phineas: Woah, really?

S.G: Yeah... um... in San Francisco.

Phineas: And you came all this way to see me?

S.G: Yeah.

Phineas: Cool...

[Once more, they sit in an awkward silence.]

S.G: What have you been doing?

Phineas: Nothing as cool as being an Avenger.

S.G: I'm sure it's cool.

Phineas: I work in the offices for the D.C.R.S.P.I.

S.G: The... what?

Phineas: The D.C.R.S.P.I, it means 'the Department for the Control and Regulation of Super Powered Individuals'.

S.G: Oh, that's... cool.

Phineas: Yeah, thanks.

[The silence returns.]

Phineas: So, if you're here, do you not hate me for what I did?

S.G: Hate you? Of course not.

[She's lying. She knows she's lying, but she has no idea why.]

S.G: Why on Earth would I hate you?

[You can see in her face that she is uncomfortable, but she doesn't do anything- maybe because she doesn't want to, or maybe because she can't.]

**EXT- PHINEAS' HOUSE- DAY**

[Tippy-Toe sits in front of the door, waiting and sad. Then, she hears something, a quiet whurring. Tippy-Toe scampers over to the side of Phineas' house, into his backgarden (having to climb over the side fence to get there). Tippy-Toe heads to a basement door, it's closed. She tries to scratch at it to get it open- it doesn't work. Frustrated, Tippy-Toe looks around. She spots a window and much to her squirrelly luck, it's open. She moves over to it and climbs inside.]

**INT- PHINEAS' HOUSE- CONT.**

[Tippy-Toe is in Phineas' basement. It looks like a mad scientist's lab, but with more bricks and cobwebs. There is a large cylinder covered by a rug, Tippy-Toe sneaks down from the shelf she is situated on, trying really hard not to knock anything down. Unfortunately, despite her best efforts, she knocks something down- a glass beaker. It makes a loud SMASH as it hits the ground. Cut back to Squirrel Girl and Phineas.]

Phineas: What the hell was that?

S.G: Is someone else in the house?

Phineas: Not that I know of.

[They stand up.]

Phineas: Stay here.

S.G: I don't need you to protect me.

Phineas: And I don't need you to show off with your fancy powers.

S.G: Show off?!

Phineas: Yeah, show off. You flaunt your power.

S.G: No I don't!

Phineas: It's your entire personality.

S.G: I don't ask to be like this!

Phineas: Can't we not do this while someone has broken into my house?

S.G: Fine.

[They both walk, taking a detour through the kitchen so Phineas can grab a knife. Then they walk to a red painted wooden door. Phineas grabs onto the door handle, he turns to Squirrel Girl and puts his finger to his mouth.]

S.G: (mouthing) I didn't even make any noise!

[Phineas slowly opens the door. He opens it to reveal a long dark stairway, they both proceed to walk down the stairs. They get to the bottom of the staircase and see Tippy-Toe desperately trying to clean up the shattered glass.]

S.G: Tip?

Phineas: Is that your rat?

S.G: She's a Squirrel, you dick.

Phineas: Oh, I'm a dick? You're the one who set their rodent to peek at my business.

S.G: I didn't tell Tip to do this!

Phineas: How am I supposed to know? You're the girl who controls squirrels, so I'm sorry I made an obvious observation.

S.G: (to Tippy-Toe) Why did you come down here?

[Tippy-Toe goes over to the rug-covered cylinder.]

Phineas: Don't go near that.

S.G: Why?

Phineas: Just don't okay!

[Squirrel Girl moves closer to the cylinder.]

Phineas: Doreen! Get away from it, right now!

S.G: Why? What are you hiding from me?

Phineas: Don't question me.

S.G: You can't boss me around, Phineas.

Phineas: Who says I can't?

S.G: Me. I'm putting my foot down and saying "No". Something I should have done ages ago. I am my own person and if I want to do something, I'm gonna do it.

[Squirrel Girl pulls the sheet off of the cylinder. It's a cloning chamber, and being cloned inside is Squirrel Girl. The real Squirrel Girl jumps backwards.]

S.G: Phineas... What the fuck...

Phineas: I told you not to do that.

[Phineas lunges towards Squirrel Girl, stabbing her in the eye. Tippy-Toe runs up to Phineas and pounces at his leg, biting into it. Phineas stumbles backwards, leaving the knife in Squirrel Girl's eye. Phineas violently shakes her off and then kicks her, sending Tippy-Toe flying across the room.]

S.G: Tip!

Phineas: Ah, just like always. You care more about a literal rat than about me.

S.G: Why the hell would I care about you? You kicked my best friend, you've stabbed me in my fucking eye and you're cloning me without my permission.

Phineas: I have a good reason.

S.G: Really? I'd love to hear it.

Phineas: I missed you.

S.G: Good! You don't even deserve to know me!

Phineas: Doreen...

S.G: No! I don't want to hear it. You're a fucking creep.

[Squirrel Girl goes over to Tippy-Toe and picks her up.]

S.G: Are you okay?

[Tippy-Toe lets out a pained squeak.]

S.G: Okay, I'll take you to a vet right away.

[Squirrel Girl goes to leave the basement.]

S.G: Destroy the clone, Phineas. Or I'll do it myself.

Phineas: But...

S.G: I don't care, get rid of it.

[Squirrel Girl goes up two stairs and then stops.]

S.G: And, I'm keeping the knife.

**INT- VET- DAY**

[Cut to a quiet vet waiting room, everything is clean, everything is calm, all you can hear is the subtle *tick, tick, tick* of the clock that hangs on the wall. Squirrel Girl bursts in, knife still in her eye and Tippy-Toe in her arms being carried in that cliche holding way.]

S.G: Can someone help?! A guy kicked my squirrel!

Receptionist: (not looking up) You're going to have to book an appointment.

S.G: This is urgent! Isn't there like a rapid response vet?

Receptionist: (still not looking up) If you tick the urgent box you'll be seen eventually.

S.G: When's eventually?

Receptionist: (still still not looking up) Sometime between 1 and 24 hours.

S.G: Come on man, look at me... Do I look like I'm able to wait 1 to 24 hours?

Receptionist: (looking up) I'm sure you'll be able to- Oh my god.

[The receptionist notices the knife in Squirrel Girl's eye.]

Receptionist: You should go to the emergency room.

S.G: Can they help my squirrel?

Receptionist: No, but they can help with that.

[The receptionist points at Squirrel Girl's knife eye.]

S.G: Oh, that'll be fine. I can barely feel it.

Receptionist: You sure?

S.G: I could pull it out right now and not even flinch.

[Squirrel Girl pulls on the knife and flinches.]

S.G: (quietly) Ow, holy fucking shit, that hurts.

[Squirrel Girl holds on to the handle of the knife, silently counts up to 3 in her head and pulls out the knife.]

S.G: (pained) See? It's fine.

Receptionist: Is it?

S.G: Yeah. Absolutely. I could put it back in and not feel a thing.

Receptionist: Don't do that.

[Squirrel Girl thinks for a second.]

S.G: Would you be more willing to help me if I was an Avenger?

Receptionist: You're an Avenger?

[We cut to about half and hour later, Squirrel Girl (whose eye is now completely healed) is sitting outside a vet's door. A vet steps out of the room.]

Vet: Good news, your squirrel is fine. Nothing's broken, I guess the squirrel's attacker was pretty weak. Bad news, this is gonna cost you.

S.G: Oh, yeah, right.

[Squirrel Girl gets out her wallet.]

S.G: How much is it?

Vet: $230.50

S.G: Jesus Christ.

Vet: Yeah.

S.G: Can I pay by card?

Vet: Yeah, obviously. Do we look like savages?

[We cut to Squirrel Girl, with Tippy-Toe on her shoulder, walking past the receptionist.]

S.G: Bye!

Receptionist: So, when can I expect that call from Hawkeye?

S.G: Oh, any day now.

[Squirrel Girl walks out- her face shows it all, she's never going to tell Hawkeye to call that receptionist.]

**EXT- NEW YORK- CONT.**

[Squirrel Girl walks into the vet's car park and gets in the SHIELD marked car.]

AI voice: State your destination.

S.G: SHIELD west coast headquarters.

AI voice: Destination set.

[The car starts driving by itself. It pulls out of the car park, drives down the street for a while and then a figure drops from the sky, landing in a superhero pose.]

S.G: Car stop!

[The car stops.]

S.G: Tip, stay here.

[Tippy-Toe gives an obeying squeak. Squirrel Girl gets out of the car and walks up to the figure.]

S.G: Hi! Are you a superpowered individual? I don't think we've met. I'm Doreen.

[The figure stands up completely, back to Squirrel Girl.]

S.G: What's your name?

Figure: My name's Doreen.

S.G: Oh...

[The figure turns around- It's Squirrel Girl. The two Doreen's stand face to face.]

Clone S.G: Most people call me Squirrel Girl.

S.G: Cool, um... Can you get in the car, please?

Clone S.G: Why?

S.G: We have someone we need to talk to.

**INT- PHINEAS' HOUSE- DAY**

[Phineas stands in his basement, tinkering with scientific objects. There is a hole in the ceiling and the wall as if something burst through.]

Phineas: Okay, I'll make another one! Yeah, it'll be easy. And maybe I could-

S.G: (off-screen) Could do what, Phineas? Be a fucking creep? Consider that done.

[Phineas turns around to see both Squirrel Girls standing there.]

S.G: (pointing to the clone) What the fuck is this? I told you to destroy it.

Clone S.G: You told him to kill me?

S.G: You would have done the same.

Clone S.G: Yeah, that's fair.

Phineas: Look, Doreen, I can explain.

S.G: Go on.

Phineas: I missed you.

S.G: Do I care? What were you even going to do with a clone of me?

Phineas: I was... I was gonna have sex with it.

[Both Squirrel Girls react in disgust.]

S.G: That's... That's awful.

Clone S.G: I was created for that?!

Phineas: Why else would I create a clone of the woman I love?

Clone S.G: Phineas, you have to understand... Love has to go both ways otherwise it isn't love. And what we have, what any Doreen has with you, isn't love.

S.G: You're obsessed with us.

Clone S.G: And we fucking hate you.

S.G: Well, I was going to be nicer about it. We strongly, strongly dislike you.

Phineas: You hate me? After everything I've done for you? After everything I sacrificed?

S.G: We didn't ask you to sacrifice anything!

Clone S.G: We don't even want you in our lives.

Phineas: (to Clone S.G) I made you!

Clone S.G: I didn't ask you too! Real me even told you not to!

Phineas: Oh, I'm sorry, am I not allowed to love someone?

S.G: You're not allowed to clone someone!

Clone S.G: That's your problem, Phineas. You don't take no for an answer. You never have and you never will. You're an awful person. I hate that I ever knew you.

S.G: Damn.

Clone S.G: I know, right.

S.G: It's like you took the words right out of my head.

Phineas: Wait, you hate me?

Both S.Gs: Yes!

Phineas: That's not what you said earlier.

S.G: Because I... I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Because I hate the idea of people hating me so I... I...

Clone S.G: I act nice to everyone, so even if someone does hate me, I'd know it wasn't because of something I'd done.

Phineas: So, you never actually loved me?

[Both Squirrel Girls stand in silence.]

Phineas: Oh...

S.G: Phineas, I'm so-

Phineas: No, don't be. Because if you never loved me... Then I'm going to make you.

Both S.G: What?!

[Phineas presses a button, a strange blue energy surrounds the Squirrel Girls. Phineas begins to tinker.]

Clone S.G: What the hell have you done?

Phineas: Oh, it's very simple. I created a ray to paralyse people. You're paralysed.

S.G: Oh you goddamn... Tinkerer!

Phineas: Uh, I resent that. I don't tinker, I invent. I'm the Inventor.

Clone S.G: "Tinkerer" sounds better.

Phineas: No it doesn't!

Clone S.G: Rolls nicer off the tongue.

[Both Squirrel Girls start repeating Tinkerer, extending some syllables or emphasizing different parts of the words.]

Phineas: Stop that!

S.G: (mocking) Why? Is it annoying?

Phineas: Yes!

S.G: You know what else is annoying? Being stuck here while you tinker away.

[Squirrel Girl starts to struggle- moving and squirming around. She tries her hardest to escape the ray, all she manages to do is move an arm. Phineas stops tinkering.]

Phineas: How the hell did you manage to do that?

S.G: What move my arm? Am I not supposed to do that?

Phineas: You're meant to be paralysed...

Clone S.G: (to S.G) I have an idea, struggle more!

[They both start to struggle and squirm. Slowly, they both manage to move slightly forwards.]

Phineas: No! Stop moving! How are you even doing that?

S.G: Honestly, we have no idea.

Clone S.G: Maybe it's pure will-power.

S.G: Ooh, I like that.

Phineas: No! Don't do anything or I'll... do something.

S.G: (sarcastically) Woah, very threatening.

Clone S.G: (sarcastically) Yeah, I'm terrified cause The Tinkerer has threatened us with "doing something".

S.G: (still sarcastically) Oh no! Something!

Clone S.G: (continuing to be sarcastic) Oh no!

Phineas: I hate you.

S.G: Aw, hate you too.

Clone S.G: Do you hate us enough to let us go?

Phineas: No.

Clone S.G: Damn it.

[Phineas goes back to tinkering. The Squirrel Girls whisper to each other.]

Clone S.G: Do you think it's time for Operation: Deus Ex Machina?

S.G: I think it might be.

Clone S.G: Okay, you want to do it or should I?

S.G: I'll do it.

Clone S.G: Cool.

[Squirrel Girl closes her eyes. She scrunches up her face and...]

S.G: (telepathically) Tip! We need your help!

[We hear this echo as an 'Evil Dead' style shot travels from the basement, out the large hole, through the garden, out to the front of the house and into the SHIELD car, where we see Tippy-Toe. Her ears prick up and she turns towards the house. Tippy-Toe leaves the car and scampers towards the hole. When she get to the hole, she sees the Squirrel Girls stuck and Phineas still tinkering. Tippy-Toe gets ready and then pounces on Phineas' head.]

Phineas: Jesus Christ! What the fuck!

S.G: Yeah! Get him, Tip!

Clone S.G: Fuck him up!

[Tippy-Toe claws at Phineas' scalp, then scratches him in the eye. Phineas accidentally falls into the button and frees the Squirrel Girls. Tippy-Toe jumps onto Clone Squirrel Girl's shoulder.]

Phineas: Please! No more!

[Squirrel Girl towers over Phineas, who sits on his knees, pleading and begging.]

S.G: I never want to see you again, ever.

Phineas: Okay.

S.G: You know, I still have no idea why I missed you. But I sure am glad I got to see you, all scratched up and stuff.

Phineas: I know why you missed me...

S.G: What?

Phineas: I was remotely controlling your brain.

S.G: You were fucking what?!

Phineas: I'm sorry.

S.G: So, first you do something horrendous you me, then you mind control me and then you fucking clone me?! Are you insane?!

Clone S.G: I agree that the cloning was out of line.

S.G: You know what Phin? You fucking know what?

Phineas: What?

S.G: I'm really sorry for what I'm about to do.

[Squirrel Girl starts punching Phineas in the face. Her punches seem to get harder and harder. Phineas bleed more and more. Squirrel Girl pulls her fist back and then, as hard as she can, she punches Phineas in the face. She punches him so hard that her fist goes through his skull, caving his face in, splattering his blood everywhere. Clone Squirrel Girl pulls Squirrel Girl away.]

Clone S.G: Are you okay?

S.G: Yeah. I'm great.

[Tippy-Toe climbs onto Squirrel Girl's shoulder.]

S.G: Hey Tip.

Clone S.G: So, what now?

S.G: I really want a burrito.

Clone S.G: Oh my god, same!

S.G: Let's go get a burrito.

Clone S.G: Hell yeah.

**INT- WCA HQ LOUNGE- DAY**

[Cut to Hawkeye. He walks up to the WCA members- most of whom are sitting on bean bags of various colours, except for Ultra- who doesn't want to sit on colourful bean bags- and Orb- who can only float.]

Hawkeye: Have you guys seen Doreen?

Husk: No, why?

Hawkeye: She's missing and so is a car.

Orb: Logically, she took a car.

Speedball: Yeah, that makes sense.

Gamecock: Do the cars have trackers on them?

Hawkeye: Yes.

Gamecock: Track it, you'll find both your missing things.

Speedball: This guy's smart.

Ultra: He's not smart, he's just using common sense.

[Hawkeye takes out his phone and opens a tracking app.]

Hawkeye: She's in New York.

Speedball: Fucking woah.

Ultra: Literally not possible. It takes two days to drive there.

Hawkeye: All SHIELD cars can fly.

Speedball: Fucking woah.

Husk: So, do we go find her or just wait for her to get back here?

[Hawkeye's phone beeps.]

Hawkeye: No need, she's on her way now.

Gamecock: So, when will she be here?

Hawkeye: About... 30 minutes.

Speedball: Fucking woah.

Ultra: Say "fucking woah" again and I'll punch you into the fucking sun.

Speedball: You can do that?

Ultra: Yeah.

Speedball: Fricking wow.

Ultra: I hate you.

[CUT TO: half an hour later.]

Speedball: So, when is she gonna get here?

Leapfrog: You've asked that literally every minute.

Husk: Why do you care so much, Robert? Do you have a crush on her or something?

Speedball: (flustered) What?! N-no! Of course not! That's crazy, you're crazy.

Orb: Robert's phone is filled with pictures of her.

Husk: Holy shit, fucking stalker.

Speedball: They're for research. I researched all of you.

Ultra: Better not have any pictures of me saved.

Orb: Half of the pictures of Doreen have been edited to include heart emojis.

Speedball: It's a cool aesthetic thing, she wanted me to do it.

Orb: That's a lie.

Gamecock: Maybe stop lying in front of the mind reading robot.

AI Voice: (in the distance) Welcome Doreen.

Speedball: Oh shit.

[Speedball styles his hair.]

Ultra: (to Speedball) You're an embarrassment.

[Squirrel Girl walks into the lounge, Tippy-Toe on her shoulder.]

S.G: Hey guys!

Speedball: Hi.

S.G: I have someone I want you to meet...

Husk: (whispering to Speedball) I bet it's a boyfriend.

[Clone Squirrel Girl walks out.]

Clone S.G: Hey guys!

Husk: Oh, well that's... Unexpected..

[END OF EPISODE TWO]