Super Mario Odyssey WTF (Unofficial Blog 6)

February 20, 2017

Hello, peasants and welcome! Since your queen (not me, the ruler of this unpretty wiki) is such a fucking lazy bum and hasn't updated this baredrybones blog in like a year, yes, that's a hyperbole, I will update this wiki with a blog that all of like 2 of you've been waiting for, a review/analysis/rant on the new Super Mario Odd game trailer thing! Oh, sorry I meant *Odyssey*, anyway let's dive into this shitstorm.

         ..What the actual fuck? Why is Mario jumping out of a manhole? He must smell shittier than a diarrhea landslide after coming outta that shit. Anyway, *hip and totally new* place is called "New Donk City" for some reason, now what in the fuck is that crap? I wanna play Mario, not something that sounds like just came out of a shitty Nicki Minaj rap video. Also, look at those fuckers, including Dixie St. as a reference to Dixie Kong. Too bad she won't actually appear in the game considering the developers don't actually care about Donkey Kongs in the main series game. :P

Also, ummm there's some asshole speeding down the lane at like 75 mph??? I should sue him since I'm unable to contain a license for myself and jealousy and depression. :( Actually I won't since maybe he'll accidentally kill Mario and then I'll cherish his driving skills.

Also, those losers @ GameFAQs weren't exaggerating about the "omg PS2 modlez!!1". Also, why in the shit is Mario a midget? I guess the Mario characters have never been realistically proportioned before, but fuck this. Fuck all of it. Oh, but you can jump rope with ppl! Fuck outta here, those pieces of shit look like something outta Sims 2 Business expansion pack.

Moving on to the other bland worlds in this game. Well Mario now has the convenience of traveling the word via a more utterly retarded version of Galaxy 2 hub. WTF?! I want Comet Observatory back, because Yours Truly <3 would be in the game then. But we got this piece of crap that looks like a discount Starship Mario. Anyways, get ready because Trump *deported Mario's foreign ass back to Mexico*. Yay for racism and xenophobia, Nintendo! Also, SEGA needs to sue the shit outta Nintendo for ripping off their totally innovation Spindash attack that Sonic's been using for ages. Oh derp wait, they're not gonna do that because they're too busy encouraging and licensing shitty fangame ROM hacks like Sonic Mania.

Annnnnd then it cuts to this weird jungle location with literal no transition at all. What the fuck, who made this trailer?
Learn some graphic design and animation skills plz! That's now how you make trailer! >:( Anyway, Mario can now go to a deep dark jungle. But there's no poison swamp water. This sucks because it's not Mario without the poison swamp water. Remember when in the NSMb games where it would kill you on intact? Well now apparently instead there's rain you run around on a random generated path like a fucking Kirby Canvas/Dream Curse game.
Speaking of NSMB, remember those BAH sound effects? Well there were none in the trailer and I liked those, so they should bring them back for the lols. I propse this game's OST be NSMB2ified so I can hear the BAH BAH songs! C'mon, even Super Mario 3D World had those.
Oh, but wait it has underwater swimming controls (in what appears to be a lame Buoy Base ripoff)!! B-cuz omGGgg 3DW had Da worsr waddr contrulerz ind e seris!!11 Well at least it's not the godawful underwater FLUDD controls in Sunshine. Oops, and I forgot, that's blasphemy! Skipping ahead in the trailer a bit, it shows Mario dancing......alone in the woods. Mario is the next Link confirmed.

Moving on to the next horrible world, there's a stereotypical magical candyland where everything is made of vegetables. Yeah, ummmm Ninty do I freaking look like a healthy eater? I wanna just eat fucking sweets all the time, not fucking turnips and carrots. Luckily for me as a Space Cosmic Princess I have high metabolism and can eat whatever I wanna without looking like a tub of lard <3.

Well this was about the peak of my enthusiasm for this game as Mario is carrying a vegetable, but there's no Blue Rosalina. Let that sink in for a min, huns. Vegetable carring, no Blue Rosy.

Vegetables....no Bluesalina.
Vegetable machanic.... no Peach.

Did you get mah nuance? Yeah, probably not, not Nintendo either since they completely abandoned that game from a million years ago that nobody even cares about. Now I will sue Nintendo EAD for making me depressed about characters that I know will never come back.

*Hey, let's add insult to injury! Let's add a Peach kidnap plot barely a step above SM64 with Peach's "MarioooooooO!" clip used in every game ever since SMG1!*
-Nintendo Logic
Yeah I know it's probably placeholder, but it still sucks. Sam Kely is like, the besssst voice actor ever, except of course next to The Legendary Mercedes Rose. Noone will ever dethrone her <333
 I expect good things from Ms Kelly in this game but knowing Nintendo they probably fired her and are giving her the Faye Smith/Kerry Kane treatment. Anyways, the barebones plot for this barebones game is Peach gets kidnapped. Oh, and they plagiarized their owns scripts from Super Paper Mario because Bowser is forcing Peach to marry her again. But this time he's in a pimp suit. As the member of SJW I will sue him for sexual harrassments! >:(

Next thing in the bad-trailer-for-bad-game is this shitty throwable hat gimmick, probably for SM64 pandering. It's honestly worst than the Powerup Caps, FLUDD powerup, Spin gimmick, all combined. I want the boomerang flowerback/fire powerup because it was a gimmick cool that I liked. But whatever this shit is here to stay so might as well talk about it. In this game you take your hat off and throw it at stuff. But you can also jump and bounce off of it to avoid splattering all over the pavement just below you. Well not really, but that's what I'd like to happen to Mario a this point for keep on giving me shittier games! Oh, and guess what? It not only does that thing, but it has eyes and apparently a mind of its own because why the fuck not.

However that isn't the only gimmick. A "new" gimmick (new being in quotes because it's the same thing under a new skin) is the ability to ride a new companion. Oh, did I say ride? I meant "beat" and "abuse". Courtesy of Matpat's GameTheory cuz he is a completely reliable source!

Well after abusing that Yoshi turd of a ripoff, we get more ripoffs to abuse and kill for our enjoyments! Yayz!

But Seriously though, these bitches look like something from a freaking Sonic game, get this shit out of my Mario.

Oh well.... at least there isn't any cringey Rule 34 of these shitty animals well before release, right? ...right???!!!

Oh well, well I guess that's that for this abominable trailer. Preorder cancelled, btw.

Well that,s it, until next time, Peasants <3

Know Your Place~