Clown

A Delaware Red-pointed plaid, a popular meat clown

**Clowns** are a self-domesticated, though mysterious suborder of Clouradates. They are of yet unknown origin, but there are records of native clowns inhabiting the area surrounding the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant prior to the disaster.

## Diet

Clowns are omnivorous by nature, and require meat in their diet in order to obtain the nutrients that they need.

In captivity it is necessary to provide clowns with a varied diet of homespun cotton candy, freshly fried funnel cake, and hotdogs with a variety of condiments. While boiled peanuts may be used as a dietary supplement, circus peanuts should be served rarely if ever.

Ideally, the average adult clown should consume a full three meals a day. However, the exact amount that is healthy for a clown to consume varies depending on species and age.

In the wild, a large portion of a clown's diet consists of cotton candy, while the rest consists of meat the clown has either scavenged or hunted. Wild clowns have been known to consume a variety of meats, from venison to human flesh. Contrary to popular belief, most clowns do not prefer human flesh and will only hunt and eat a human as a last resort if no other meat is available. Some species of clowns subsist almost if not entirely on human flesh, but these species are rare and almost all on the verge of extinction.

Some clowns prefer hamburgers, fries, and chicken nuggets.

## Physical Characteristics

Clowns are frequently noted as being similar to humans in appearance, but this resemblance is solely superficial. The exact reason for this resemblance is unknown, and the topic of heated debate between many clourologists. Clowns are typically of similar height and weight compared to humans, with the notable exception of the size of their feet.

Clown feet are one of the clown's most distinctive features. They range in size, averaging anywhere from 50 to 70 cm. The largest recorded clown foot was measured at 114 cm. In most clown cultures, foot size is considered as an indication of status, much like penis size in many human cultures.

However, the true measure of a clown's strength, and social standing, is the amount of polka dots it has on its pelt. Clowns gain one spot each time they make a successful kill. These polka dots, much like the pigmentation on a chameleon or octopus, can change color, but only to the color of the area it killed its victim in. A clown with a pelt covered head to toe with polka dots can easily blend in with most surroundings if it has killed enough victims in a variety of habitats.

Like the mime, to which the clown is closely related, the circulation of a clown's blood is limited, resulting in the characteristic pale skin. Unlike mimes, whose circulation is concentrated in the lips, blood circulation is concentrated in the nose of the clown, giving it its characteristic red appearance. Wild species of clown have a relatively small amount of blood in their noses, while most domesticated species have been selectively bred to have larger, more bulbous noses. Clowns selectively bred to have large noses can experience breathing problems, and in severe cases can die as juveniles.

## Excretion

Clowns excrete liquid wastes (such as their urine) from the flower-like appendages on their chests, and excrete solid waste from their mouths (such as their feces, which resembles multicolored handkerchiefs.) In nature, clowns will not excrete much, as an astonishing amount of food they eat is transformed into raw energy. In self defense, a clown can and will excrete on command if placed under enough stress. Under extreme duress, this excretion is sometimes explosive. The resulting explosions have been compared to those of hand grenades.

## Reproduction

While it is true that all parts of a clown are considered genitalia to most clourologists, the nose is proven to be more sensitive than the rest of the body and plays the most prominent role in reproduction. The nose will promptly honk at a certain frequency when aroused to attract a mate. Once a mate is found and accepts with a complying honk, either clown will begin mating by honking their nose at a high enough frequency for its sperm cells to exit its nostril and travel into the nostril of the other, fertilizing its partner's eggs. All species of clown have both egg and sperm cells.

Once the eggs are fertilized a clown must inflate its balloons. After a clown has inflated its balloons, it will inject its eggs very carefully from a small hole in the bottom that is quickly sealed by mucus secreted by the eggs. One clown balloon can hold up to three eggs, and most clown breeds will have up to 10 balloons at a time. Balloons house clown eggs for around 2 to 3 weeks before popping. It has been documented that if a clown finds abandoned balloons it may adopt them as if they were a part of their own bunch.

The exact method by which clowns choose their mate is still unknown. Most clourologists agree that clowns choose their mate based on indications of strength such as number and color of polka dots and the color of the nose. Some clourologists hypothesize that facial markings also play a role in clown reproduction, though their exact purpose is still unknown.