Amos At Sea

"We need a brand new show." These were the words given to Father Wentbar and Father America by the execs over at Nickolodeon. Following the big scandal with Stick Stickly, Nick were desperate to branch out to create a brand new show to help clear up the void that Stickly had left behind. Stick Sticky was a talking ice pop stick that was used by Nick during the early 2000's to promote their ideals, however Stickly was very rude and would yell at children like a mad stick because they didn't know how to play hangman correctly. He was however only following in the example of his childhood babysitter Burton Wieldsworth who would frequently yell at Stickly when he didn't know how to play Dominos. Father Wentbar and America were determined to get themselves a name in the television industry. They were both priests once upon a time, but not anymore but they hoped to use their past as pastors to persuade Nick to hire them. Father America was as the name implies so American that it genuinely hurts, and I really do mean that. He was very keen on getting his big break with Nick; having spent the last 20 years in Los Angeles where he attempted to help the local hood gain respect. but all he got was bricks to the face from the local hood boss who puffs on a big one inside a bulletproof limo which has a pool on the top of it. Father Wentbar originally resided in Scotland, but was stripped of his priestly duties after he was found to be involved in an electric heater scam. The less said about that the better I say! Eventually, the two men pitched three ideas to the execs at Nick, and Amos At Sea was just one of these. The first one was about a businessman who likes to sniff roses just a bit too much which causes friction when his best buddy Frank Dumbson invites him to his royal banquet which is when Dumbson starts getting a little too ambitious if you know what I mean. The other project was a teen sitcom about a man named The Voice whose voice was as deep as the deepest end in the swimming pool who tries to set up an after school club where he teaches young punks lessons such as when one is caught stealing gobstoppers and cola cubes from the local sweet shop. He is bullied daily by the local Sheriff Beaumont who has a right go at The Voice because he thinks that he hasn't been trimming his toenails lately, and he really hadn't which is the reason that it pained The Voice so much whenever he walked along the fields. Basically, Nickolodeon tossed out the other two projects completely ignoring them, but they were intrigued very much indeed when Father America and Wentbar presented their third and final idea. A made for TV movie all about a sailor named Amos who tries to prove that he can make a difference to his family who are all of royal heritage. Over the course of an hour long pitch meeting, the pair presented their idea to Nick. Here is the basic rundown of what they had to say.

A sailor from the highlands named Amos along with his pet mutt Vergas is forcibly evicted from his castle home by his wimpy pencil shaped father who was the king of the land, and he had a beard which looked like it was made from a fork. King Montgomery believed that Amos offered very little to nothing to the family business of cod liver oil. Indeed, the family had big stocks in the cod liver market which they sold to local street vendors, but only the most judgemental street vendors like the one that insult you for pointing out where the pea hid in their daily choose the correct bowl scheme. King Montgomery was also wary that Amos had bigger plans than trees, and that he was less interested in joining the life of a royal and rather was more interested in pursuing the role of a fisherman. Indeed, Amos had always been interested in boating ever since grandpappy Amos took him out for fishing in the rural Spanish mountains. Grandpappy Amos used to hunt in that region, and like some kind of Goofy he knew all of the shortcuts but sadly he left the kingdom of Monty after becoming disgusted with the way King Montgomery holds bread in his hands, as the ole King happens to be quite fond of toast perhaps a little too fond having even started an affair with a man named Toast. I guess you could call it the Toast Of Monty eh? The ocean around the kingdom which was called Russell Ville; Father Wentbar named it after a hedgehog he once saw in a pub in Kent was very dirty. So dirty and nasty there was big octopuses coming out from every corner. One time, some kid was playing footie on the beach when the tide came in, and he just stood there looking proper pleased with himself as a fricking krakken looking thing came crashing into him. It wasn't just him either as some young couple was also sitting there just having a picnic. Not a very nice picnic if I may add, as they were eating the remains of a broken stoplight as there was currently a massive famine in Russell Ville, and the only thing available to eat was buttered toast. A good chunk of the population of Russell Ville; 95% to be precise were deathly allergic to yeast and the bread served in the shops was coated in it. There were also jagged stones all along the fields which prevented people from reaching the roads that could lead to a normal life where work in a computer factory was abundant, but sadly the stones yes stones were implemented by Ainsley an old friend and King Montgomery's personal chef. Ainsley still knows of a good place to get stones, do you? I should also mention before I forget oh I musn't forget to mention that King Montgomery was a serious weirdo as he got a little too pleased at the plays that performed during his royal visits into town, but despite this he was also quite the talented dancer.

Amos was determined to end the famine, by bringing a bounty of a fish feast to the people of Russell Ville. He was wary about the nearby ocean as he nearly bloody died once while at sea. He was rowing his boat The Jammie Dodger Mark III In A Half Shell along the jagged cliffs when he accidentally fell in. While sinking towards the mirky bottom of the smelly ocean, he came across a mermaid who attempted to drag him down below the depths with her as she believed Amos to be her true love having envisioned a life with her and Amos including him cooking her steaks in the sea. Amos looked very pleased to be pulled below the sea, perhaps a little too pleased looking like he just let one rip. However, Amos was thankfully wearing a lifejacket which meant that he ascended back to the surface while the mermaid sadly returned to the smelly seabed. Before heading out to his boat, Amos bore a large and bulky overcoat, and put it over his woollen underwear which had a SpongeBob picture on it. Neither Father America nor Father Wentbar are fans of SpongeBob SquarePants having been in the academy when SpongeBob was airing, but they thought that by inserting Nickolodeon's golden sponge in the movie by the means of a sneaky blink and you'll miss it cameo, they would be sure to earn a positive response to their pitch. With the lifejacket in place, Amos decided that his original boat just wasn't going to cut it. So, he headed to the local port where he purchased a boat which formally belonged to So Fang. However, he almost didn't get the boat as the man selling it appeared to have a thing for Amos as he kept asking Amos to remove his clothing. However, he didn't really want Amos to remove his clothes that was just what the film was implying as the priestly makers really wanted to get a chuckle out from the dads in the audience. No, the man really wanted Amos to remove all of his weapons on his person including the sub machine gun that he had somehow managed to stuff up his hairy ass. To be honest, the boat wasn't the best no indeed it was not as below deck there was a sauna room with an inbuilt jacuzzi which had a big fat booming man inside it whose neck had barnacles on it, and his neck made a cricking noise when he turned around to glare at Amos who only responded by waving sheepishly at him. "If I'm going to make this work, I'm gonna need myself a crew." Amos said to himself as he tucked into a large ham sandwich on the ship's poop deck. He headed into town, and headed to his local fish n chip shop where an old man with a cane attempted to warn Amos that his voyage to get fish to Russell Ville was doomed to fail now that fishing was outlawed in the land. King Montgomery not wanting his son to bring the fish to the land and pursue a career as a dastardly fisherman had put in big plans to have fishing be banned Anyone caught fishing would have to answer to the King's personal enforcers; Sam and Max themselves. Sam and Max were currently on the hunt for criminals after a kettle exploded at Royal Hope Hospital, but they got side tracked after their beloved DeSoto broke down at a local gas station where an incredibly fat biker caused a local wimpy man to get a case of the runs after giving him a big ole milkshake laced with salty salts, and this caused the man a bad day when he headed for a date at the Brown Town Pub.

Inside the local chippy, Amos banged his head upon the mantle as a reference to a Hercules story or something where Herc banged his head on the mast. Amos rubbed his head a bit too respectfully as he came across the man he wanted to see. Well; it was two people actually one of those was a local homeless man named Methadone Mick, and the second was Amos' estranged uncle Roger Duckworth. Amos had to make amends as he knew that his uncle knew the seas around Russell Ville better than a cat knows the path back to it's home. Methadone Mick used to work at the library, but his large teeth scared the wits out from the people who came to him to borrow books. He lost his job, and became homeless but don't feel bad for the guy as he was more of an antagonist despite being one of Amos' friends in the film. Case in point? When Amos first entered the chippy; Methadone Mick was leaning his rotten beef covered fingers on the counter to get the cashier to pay him for the pie he had on his business. Russell Ville was in a massive famine which meant that the only time you were gonna see food like this is if you stick your neck out. However, Mick was a massive con artist and the pie was actually a display pie which was used to show you what it might look like cooked when you pass it by at the local butchers. There was a brief cut away to Mick standing outside the butchers plotting his next move, and it became a very sad scene as it transitioned to show a man in a chicken costume handing out flyers to the nasty locals. He headed down a smelly damp alleyway where he removed the head revealing him to look like Freddy Krueger and he sounded like Mickey Mouse inside my house. Father America was the one who intended to include this bit as back home in Angeles; he once nearly lost his hand in a nasty fire during a game of flaming skittles which was basically a game of skittles where the bottles are set ablaze, it's quite a popular game among the 45's or so I'm told. Anyways, Mick needed money to get a operation to get brand new teeth as his ghastly giant ones were costing him chances at getting work. Amos took advantage, and offered Mick a job as his official navigator. "Sounds smashing!" Mick proclaimed as he licked his teeth in a very creepy way which unsettled Amos Also, as for Amos' pet pup Vergas it never appeared again the movie only appearing briefly in a big pile of mustard where it would no doubt end up joining the local police force where it would be partnered with the dumbest cop this side of Michigan who doesn't want to hear it that the local pet shop owner is the true culprit in the missing moggy case that could earn him his promotion to the big leagues. Sorry about that son or daughter, in any case, Methadone Mick was very easy to bring aboard, however getting dear uncle Duckworth was going to be the real trick as Peter Venkman would say.

In truth, it was a tad bit weird that Amos hated his uncle so, as he was nothing but nice to Amos. The film tried to explain Amos' uneasiness towards his uncle in a brief flashback which featured uncle Duckworth coming to King Montgomery's castle in Russell Ville where he attempted to join in on the birthday celebrations. Like some kind of McDonalds employee; Roger proceeded to harass Amos into putting on a makeshift Burger King crown, and then he pulled out a big load of GCSE books as he really wanted the hairy Amos to study hard so that he could make it big one day. Amos grimaced violently as he tried to make sense of the contents inside the textbooks while Roger busied himself by strumming a strum on a nearby banjo. There would have been more depth which would have been given in an additional scene which was hated by Nick execs for being too dark for such a salty story; it would have featured Amos recounting to Methadone Mick about how one time for Christmas, he got uncle Roger one of those singing fish ornaments that you hang above the mantle. Roger claimed to love the present, but the second that he thought that Amos had left the room he proceeded to toss it into the fireplace where it continued singing even as it's eyes melted into buttery biscuit oil. Nick was very much against having this scene, and as such Amos' hatred towards his uncle comes off a little heavy handed I must say. Amos came up to his uncle, and asked for his help in travelling the seven seas. "Oh really, and why is that then?" Roger asked completely uninterested. Amos cleared his throat as he then explained that he wanted to bring an end to the famine that was currently plaguing the residents of Russell Ville. When it was explained that Amos wanted to catch enough fish to feed the entire land, Roger nodded his head approvingly but then said that instead of hunting for fish Amos should instead set his sights even higher than that. According to local word of mouth, there were reports that the Lochness Monster resided in the ocean depths. If Amos was able to kill the Lochness Monster, he would not only be hailed as a hero but the meat stripped from that beast would be enough to feed the entirety of Russell Ville for generations to come. Amos shook the hand of his uncle, as the trio then began their ultimate journey across the sea of Russell Ville with harpoons at the ready, and guns a plenty there could be but one outcome. Now, Father Wentbar and Father America really wanted to shock people in the audience by revealing that a character set up as a major one could still meet a grizzly end. Roger Duckworth was not in the film long at all really as upon leaving the dock, and I should also mention that while untying the boat Amos was given a bag of grapes by a local old fart who then said to Amos, "stick them in your locker." Now, Amos really hated grapes, and hoped the old timer had an incredibly painful death. Once out on the sea, Amos was the only one doing any work as both Methadone Mick and Roger Duckworth were doing jack shit. Amos asked Mick for directions, but Mick was busy sunbathing and said something that rhymes with brown and Greggs sausage rolls which caused Amos to stir the boat into some jagged rocks. Amos knew that in the morning; the tide would come in and push their boat out of the rocks path, but this meant that they would need to sit tight for the night.

That evening, Amos tried to be cute by sitting on the bay of the boat and sticking his right foot into the ocean where it got stung by a jellyfish. Amos didn't really seem to mind that much, but by the time he went to bed in his sock yes he slept in a sock which was big enough to fit the entire population of Uta he started getting the shakes as his foot had risen to be as high as the sky. Methadone Mick had wanted to be a doctor in his youth. He passed all the tests even aced the interview to Northwestern, he actually did a week there but found that the students didn't take him seriously because he dressed up as Richard The II all the time as he was a massive fan of ole Richard having decorated his den underneath the local bridge into a Richard The II museum with pictures of Richard The II everywhere as Mick buttered his toast with peanut butter that was so thick it'll make you sick. Mick also had a weird phobia of getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth, but decided the best way to conquer a fear was to tackle it head on apply directly to the forehead. What was I talking about dear? Sorry about that, my wife just caught my son eating mash potatoes and onion sauce on a school night. On a school night!? What is the world coming to dear reader? I ask you it's madness! Tis madness indeed I say! Mick using his medical knowledge proceeded to brutally hack Amos' foot off, and then provided a tordacape which stopped the blood from leaking out from Amos' empty foot socket. The blood wouldn't be shown on screen, as the priests didn't want to scare kids that could be watching the movie. It then emerged that Amos was right in not trusting his uncle an inch, as Roger who was hanging out in the mess hall decided to send a carrier pigeon to King Montgomery which detailed exactly what Amos had planned for this mysterious voyage. Pigeons didn't exist in Russell Ville, so Roger had to improvise and use a duck instead. Roger had a particular fear of ducks. One time, as a young lad, he was sticking his face into the Evening Lake in order to feel the water brush across his beard when a duck came by and gave him a right good nip right on the button. The bloody thing grabbed tightly onto Roger's nose as he was forced to get it removed by the local doctors who was really just a man in a bishop's hat. Now, Roger keeps a duck in a cage, and whenever he gets a bit too scared he grabs the duck and gives it a whiff. Roger didn't realise however that it wasn't a duck that had grabbed his nose all those years ago and it was actually a tortoise. He really needed glasses that Roger Duckworth, but sadly as a sign of the times there were orthodontists currently operating in Russell Ville, though there was a shop which sold crutches like they were lemonade, however people are very dumb in Russell Ville and didn't understand how to use the crutches. While Amos and Mick slept in a hammock built for twenty, Roger headed to the front of the boat where he threw the duck into the sea but it was immediately pulled under the water by a crocodile. It sounded like Rameses in Prince Of Egypt as it sang, "is this what you wanted?" "Well not really." Roger remarked as he was now wearing a dressing gown dipped in wax as suddenly some singing could be heard from the distance.

Fearing that it was the siren's call, Roger woke up Amos and Mick and advised them to do exactly as he did. Roger stuffed some tissues into his ears in order to drown out the singing of the sirens, however it later transpired that they were not sirens but instead an old lady named Wilmar Hilmar who was riding a rowing boat along the shore. The singing came from her gramophone. Wilmar Hilmar without even asking Amos for permission climbed her way onto the ship, and she pulled Amos' face right up to hers as she said in an incredibly harsh voice, "I knew what yer up to!" Roger Duckworth really hated old people, ever since an old man at a retirement home in Mulberry gave him a Mint Imperial which was actually a ball of ass. Roger (against Amos' wishes) decided that he wanted to throw the old duffer overboard. Roger Duckworth may be a lot of things, but sadist wasn't one of them he wrapped Wilmar Hilmar up in an inflatable ring, before attempting to chuck her into the ocean depths showing that despite many things Roger Duckworth certainly isn't honest. Indeed, honesty is what this film was really about. However, that's when Wilmar Hilmar revealed that she wasn't really an old lady she was actually the cookie wizard himself; Jasper. A massive pink bubble engulfed Wilmar, and when it disappeared she was now the cookie wizard. Ever since Cookie Crisp was taken over by the Cookie Crisp Wolf who still runs through the streets of Eastbourne in a massive bulky red hoodie hoping that someone who loves Applejacks cereal will spot him and offer him compensation of the cynical kind, Jasper just like Sully had forewarned was now out of a job and so spent his time sailing the seas providing lessons to sailors. Jasper is very outspoken on animal rights issues ever since he saw a man hitting a cow in the face. I never said what he saw would be funny now did I my pork? In any case, Jasper saw clear as day that Roger was a serial duck hater, and decided that something needed to be done about it. Amos stood behind a large wooden pole on the ship, and lit himself a cigarette as he braced himself for what was to follow. With a flick of his wand, Jasper proclaimed in an incredibly patronising tone of voice, "hocus pocus!" Roger Duckworth went from being a middle aged old fart to a fricking duck. "You think this'll slow us down?" Roger asked Jasper as he then continued with, "even as a duck I am ten times the man that you will ever be Jasper!" Jasper laughed heavily as he disappeared in a cloud of smoke, and leaving behind a big pile of Cookie Crisp cookies straight out from the 70's or whenever the shit Jasper was making the rounds on his cookie bike. What became of the cookie bike? Cecil would probably know, and we all know who that is don't we reader? Amos then patted his uncle on his bill as he remarked, "well we can't really continue this quest with you as a duck now can we?" So, indeed, Roger was sent to Ducktown because he had read on a brochure hidden inside an old rundown and quite frankly very mouldy phone box that ducks are treated better down that way.

While in Ducktown, Roger was forced to live like a duck as he began eating bugs. Since he didn't have any sweet car insurance, he was forced to rent an apartment with a duck named Bill who introduced Roger to the horror of buggy delights. Roger really liked Bill, and didn't wish to upset him and always pulled a massive Cheshire Cat grin whenever Bill brought cockroach sandwiches to the table. Some good came out of it though, as since Ducktown was populated with ya know ducks it meant that Roger finally came to overcome his fear, especially when he got a job at the local Heinz Baked Bean Factory where he introduced a new type of can to the CEO of Heinz's Ducktown Division Jeff Heinz who was a bean of a man. Roger presented the Can For Ducks which was a can of baked beans made specifically for ducks. Roger stood there curiously childlike in his new duck body, as Jeff gave his approval to the new can idea, and that was when Roger found he had it all or something. With Roger departing the film, it meant that the only help Amos had now was Methadone Mick, and he was suddenly beginning to regret leaving his beloved pooch back home. Things weren't going much better back home at the castle, as King Montgomery was so busy munching on eggy bread that he failed to realise that his royal vizier Rasputin was plotting against him. Rasputin was not intended to be based off from the real Rasputin, but rather a man named Rasputin who used to dance on the tables at Father Wentbar's favourite bar. When Rasputin learned that Amos was away, he was delighted as he had always hated Amos because Amos had once pranked Rasputin by giving him worms in his spaghetti which meant that Rasputin had to spend a week in a hospital getting them removed from his beard, while his best friend from his days on the hopscotch team Heir Dwyer refused to contact him again because Rasputin had started to smell like rotten meat. Rasputin had been hired by King Montgomery in order to teach him how to be a real king or something. As stated earlier, Rasputin secretly had his own agenda, and because he reminded the King of a lamb shank he was provided with the emergency protocols which detailed the actions that the Russell Ville Government was to take in the event of an overabundance of peas in beds which had been started by the Montgomery Pea Twins former hedge fund managers turned violent killer peas. They were part of a secret experiment that King Montgomery had going on underground which involved giving life to vegetables. So far, only the Montgomery Peas were created and they were very evil indeed but King Montgomery felt powerless to stop them, even though realistically speaking he could just squash them with his custom made Nike sneakers or possibly have them with a plate of fish and chips, but that wouldn't be possible because as stated earlier toast is the only thing that King Montgomery can eat.

The night after being given the emergency protocols, Rasputin hid inside an old abandoned meeting room in the castle where he met with Evil Russian Mario was delivering goods and spices to the land as part of a deal that King Montgomery had made many years ago, even longer now than it seems in a place perhaps you've seen in your dreams. Evil Russian Mario wanted to know the protocols so that he could take over the kingdom, and Rasputin expressed concern as he asked, "but how can I betray his majesty's trust?" "I'll make it worth your while. Does this do the trick?" Evil Russian Mario asked rhetorically as he threw a big bag of chocolate coins onto the table which smelt so good that not even Poppa Smurf himself could spurn them with contempt much as he may want to. It seemed like initially, Evil Russian Mario thought that he was the one in charge of the takeover, but Rasputin quickly put the bastard in his place by proclaiming that he was in charge now. King Montgomery didn't know it yet, but his time was coming. He was busy trying to stick a hammer onto the ceiling with super glue. Hmm. Some story. Some Monty. He had a wire trap which when activated would cause the hammer to fall on an unsuspecting passer-by, and King Montgomery intended to use this on the Montgomery Pea Twins. While Rasputin and ERM plotted their takeover of Russell Ville, Amos and Mick ran into their own problems when their ship was taken over by a local group of pirates led by the devious Captain Avery. Captain Avery was among the new generation of pirates. He could never be called an old fart, because he had the wit and the charm of young pirates on the way up. Captain Avery wanted to make a mutiny and take control of the boat that Amos and Mick were currently pirating on. Captain Avery knew nothing of Amos' real intentions, and believed that he was trying to steal his thunder as one of the pirate lords. Wanting to buy Captain Avery off, Amos threw a pound coin at the captain who grabbed the coin and held up in his ear and probably came from the looks of things as he really liked the ringing of the coin. Captain Avery offered Amos a choice; work for him or he and Mick would be forced to walk the plank. Captain Avery needed a place to store the crates that were carrying his premium Bounty Bars. Amos hated coconut with a passion having been forced to watch Coconut Fred as a kid because his father didn't want him watching SpongeBob, as he thought that the sponge taught bad lessons and in a way he was kind of right. Well that's what I think anyway. Amos grabbed a sword, and held it up to Avery's bearded face as he then proclaimed, "I challenge you to a duel!" Captain Avery got extra close to the screen like Emperor Velo as he said, "challenge accepted and if you fail your ass will be destroyed." Hmm. Captain Avery and Amos had a very awkward fight scene that looked like it came straight out from a PSP game, probably because neither Amos and Avery really knew how to fight with swords which meant that stunt doubles had to be used for the scene, and Father America hoped that the blurry graphics of the PSP he used to film this scene with would make it harder for people to tell that it wasn't really Amos and Captain Avery that were fighting. Because this is his story and he needs to finish it, Amos was the one who won the battle but Captain Avery seemed to take his defeat gracefully but then he said, "before I can leave, you need to collect all of my time relics then we can really see who is the best pirate." "Uh no." Amos said as he proceeded to falcon punch Avery which sent him flying into the sea.

Captain Avery was eventually rescued from the sea by Captain Gutt who was chilling inside of a large clam, and he sang to Captain Avery as he was pulled onto his ship and he sang, "let's sail the seas together!" "Ai ai!" Captain Avery proclaimed as he did indeed have feelings for Gutt as underneath his jacked pirate coat there was a T shirt with Gutt's face on it. There sure a lot of captains in this film aren't there? This was something that rubbed Nick the wrong way as they wanted it to be a more of an underdog story. Assholes. Anyways, Amos and Mick realised that their ship was basically damaged goods because before climbing aboard, Avery and his crew had fired a series of cannon balls onto the ship which made a big mess. So, with Methadone Mick's suggestion, Amos took over Avery's ship and by extension his crew. However, Amos almost immediately got on his new crew's bad side by throwing all of the crates of Bounties into the sea, but the crew were dumb too as they happily went along with throwing the boxes into the sea while proclaiming, "huzzah," like it was something to be proud of. That evening in the captain's quarters, the crew asked Amos what he knew about the pirate business, but Amos tried to quell their concerns by stating that he was not a pirate just your friendly neighbourhood Fisher Price fisherman. "You'll need some extra funding, if you're ever gonna reach the Lockness Monster." Mick chimed up as he was sitting on a barrel playing some Shrek 2 on the Gameboy. The very next day, the ship made dock at the Spouter Inn where Amos intended to find someone who would provide some additional funding for the voyage. King Montgomery had banned piracy in Russell Ville, but no one really took him seriously as a ruler they only humoured him because they knew that when pushed far enough King Montgomery could become a real nasty piece of toast. Spouter Inn had a group of pirate investors hailing from Spain, France, and the land of the Dutch. Amos believed himself to be 2% Dutch so he decided to sail with the French Pirate Investor. A nice little bait and switch, do you see what I did there? Sorry that got rather sinister all of the sudden, anyways, the French Pirate agreed to provide funding for the voyage, but then he also stated that he wanted to take the credit for the killing of the Lockness monster. "Of course!" Amos proclaimed happily, but he did a fingers cross motion behind his back signalling that he had no intention of giving credit to the French. King Montgomery had a friend in the neighbouring town of Bethany whom happened to be a very important governor who received backing from the Tamil Kings, and no one not even Rasputin or Evil Russian Mario would dare to fuck with the Tamil Kings as they controlled the spices and other kingly type things that you couldn't possibly understand, so I'm not going to make you feel any dumber by explaining it to you.

Bethany was basically the sister town of Russell Ville, and Amos decided to ask the governor to convince Amos' father to remove the piracy ban as the governor happened to be the only man who took the ban seriously, and it was believed that somewhere around the coast of Bethany is where Nessie was hiding. "You have not lost your touch Mr Teal." The Governor said as Amos bowed before him in the royal court with the governor having mistaken Amos for a hitman from Vice City that he once knew long ago and yet not so very long ago. The Governor agreed to talk to King Montgomery over a bowl of Christmas punch, but before he would do that he basically demanded that Amos dance with his daughter at the high society ball. The ball was very boring, and there were a bunch of quick and time events that had to be done using the television remote at home. Father America really wanted there to be more interactivity when it came to television, and hoped to get people out from their seat by making them play a bit. Regardless of whether you did the quick time events correctly or not, Amos greatly upsets the governor's daughter who then decides to place a hit on Amos which was to be carried out by the entire French Government, as the French Pirate was an ambassador for his government, and when he overheard Amos chatting to Mick about not giving him credit for killing Nessie, he decided to rat Amos out to the government. The Governor and a pilot who in the film is unnamed but according to the pitch bible was named Arturo Bullard hitched themselves a ride on a hot balloon which was shaped like either a giant croissant or the hunch of Quasimodo's hunchback depending on who you ask. Methadone Mick stood at the front of the ship as Amos attempted to drift the boat as far away from the coast of Bethany as he possibly could. Mick reached inside his beanie, and pulled out a Winchester Repeater. A skilled rifleman, Mick was able to shoot down the hot air balloon with just one shot, however it wasn't his first shot as the first one had caught poor ole Arturo in the chest killing him instantly which devastated Amos as he kind of liked the wily Bullard and his wicked one liners. Bullard had once taken Amos and his father up in the balloon so that they could view the wildlife. However, before getting on the balloon, Amos had eaten some bad food from a local bar and grill, and proceeded to unload his guts right above the unsuspecting residents of Russell Ville after being informed by Bullard that were no toilets located inside the wicker baskets, which was kind of a nasty trick on Bullard's part as the sign next to his hot balloon read; "The Very First Hot Air Balloon With Inbuilt Toilets." He actually had the words, "coming soon," also written on the board but it was microscopic much to the anger of Mr Bean and it meant that hardly anyone was able to see it. A tremendous shame I dare say! The hot balloon without it's pilot proceeded to crash into the sea plunging the Governor to his implied death, we never see him die but it was implied so heavily it was almost a little patronising like some kind of Clemenza and Tessio.

Amos failed to realise that he was better off on the run from the French Government than he would have been had he of stayed put at his home in Russell Ville as the entire island had been taken over very quickly by Rasputin. Rasputin didn't want to kill King Montgomery, and instead got the King a job as an entertainer for himself and his royal counsel. The King was forced to suffer a fate worse than death however, as he was made to dance in the Grand Hall from ten in the morning to 12 at night. Unbelievable! No King can handle that! To make matters worse, with help from Alf who made a sneaky cameo in the movie as a cobbler as that is what became of Alf after the alien experts were called off by General Asquith who thought that Alf was not an alien but rather a hoax. Asquith had denied the existence of Alf time and time again at a press conference in Bedford Falls. Anyways, Alf provided Rasputin with searing hot red iron shoes which King Montgomery was then made to dance in, and he had to dance as the song Keep On Running played on a nearby very dusty stereo. With King Montgomery out of the way, Rasputin took complete control of Russell Ville and he marched through the streets of Russell Ville with his followers as he sang about how Russell Ville was theirs and they needed to savour the power. "Come now comrades, test your freedom. Russell Ville is ours, so savour the power!" Rasputin sang as he then made a big thing about how a pheasant was the King. Rasputin was 12% pheasant after all. General Asquith tried to restore order to Russell Ville by sending his troops to investigate, but Rasputin was able to easily buy the soldiers off who reported back to Asquith that King Montgomery had left Russell Ville in Rasputin's care while he was out on his holidays. It's worth noting that this was the conclusion of the B plot with Rasputin never suffering any consequences for his evil deeds, and Russell Ville became a dictatorship under his rule. When asked about this rather dark ending to the side story; Father America remarked that sometimes there are no happy endings and sometimes the villains are able to get away with their crimes which is what he wanted to convey here by having Rasputin get away scot free with his crimes. Amos read about Rasputin's takeover via the morning paper, but he felt no sorrow as he felt that his father was finally getting what was coming to him for so long as his father was finally been given a lesson in manners. He however knew now that there was no going back to Russell Ville for him or Methadone Mick now. It was just those two now, as Amos had starved the entire rest of the crew to death by continuing to throw the boxes containing food into the ocean. The boat was now a mess of skeletons and rotting corpses though they looked very whacky so that made it all okay. Amos puffed on a cigarette at the front of the bow as he saw something in the distant, he saw what looked to be a long necked creature sticking it's head out from the ocean depths. Could this be the Nessie? Would Amos be doing a bad thing by killing the Nessie? I dunno ask your minister whoever that may be, could it be me?

It seemed like Sam and Max were having difficulty taming the hairy fisherman that was Amos, and they had decided to instead embark on a hunt of their own as they too were trying to hunt down and kill the Nessie as it was the Nessie that had stolen Max's beloved pocket watch right from under him. Sam and Max used to caravan in the Scottish highlands back in the old days, and whenever The Geek phoned up to ask about the pair's whereabouts, Sam would lie and say that they were on Mars. The Geek of course knew that the pair were lying, and basically annoyed the shit out of Sam by making him collect leaves and sticks from the lake. Max got too close to the water, and well his pocket watch was stolen right from under him. Where exactly did you keep a pocket watch Max? I don't even want to tell you where Max was keeping that pocket watch. Sam and Max were riding in a small speedboat, and they began competing with Amos and Mick over who should be the one to get to kill the Loch Ness Monster. "He stole my pocket watch, so we're the ones taking him for the kill!" Max proclaimed as he threw a harpoon at Amos' boat which ended up piercing a nearby drum that Amos had on board which made him groan heavily. Not wanting his beloved Mick to get hurt, Amos pulled the young lad aside as he advised Mick to simply count his friends, and by that he of course meant return to the mainland and go back to college. Mick smiled a creepy smile which showed off his rat teeth as he proclaimed, "okay!" He meant it too, as Mick returned home where he went back to college. He had reached the mainland, by calling a cab it was one of those boat cabs that you hear about in your dreams but never actually see. At college, Mick came to really wish that he hadn't left the open seas as his teacher was a skeleton an actual talking skeleton who was also a massive sadist who still used the cane even though it was banned like a million years ago, and also the teacher expected his students to have done non-existent homework that he had apparently assigned the class to do during the Summer holidays, even though the teacher had only just started working at the college after the holidays had ended. Mick learned from a friend of a friend on the campus that they were always hiring at the mail room, which was where Mick began working but he got distracted easily because he kept sticking his ear inside the tube shoot thing as he wondered if these tubes were some kind of Futurama rip off. Back on the waterfront, Sam and Max eventually came to an agreement with Amos. Sam put his big meaty arm around Amos' back as he sang, "if we work together things will go a whole lot easier." Amos made a small rowing boat appear magically by the side of his boat and climbed in being followed behind shortly there after by Sam and Max. The trio rode a little ways out into the open sea, where Sam proceeded to reach inside his hat and he pulled out a large bagpipe that he had stolen from Scrooge McDuck. Sam had stayed with McDuck at McDuck Manor back in 2004 or thereabouts, and Sam was angry when the only present he received was The Big Book of Manners written by Eddie Cat himself. Scrooge laughed hysterically at what Sam had been given, and seeking revenge Sam had stolen Scrooge's beloved bagpipes right from under him. Max had not been present with Sam for that particular Christmas as he was suffering from a bad case of pepperoni belly which is a rare condition in which large pieces of pepperoni appear all over a person's body. Mm sounds sexy.

Sam and Max proceeded to play some sweet tunes into the ocean with the bagpipe being used to bait the Loch Ness Monster out. Sure enough, from behind the pair emerged the creature from the deep, but Amos remained impassive as he didn't want to run the risk of scaring the creature off by fangirling. "Hold on to me little buddy." Sam said to Max as he threw a harpoon directly at the creature's face. The harpoon gripped tightly onto the nose hole of the beast which was located on the forehead isn't that a bit whacky. Unfortunately, Sam and Max were pulled under the depths by the creature, but Amos decided that he was going to save his new found friends. However, the life jacket he was wearing meant that Amos could not get deep enough to rescue them. So, Amos removed the life jacket from his person. He did it very quickly, and he also shat a bit as he did as his bowels were loose probably from all the protein bars he had been eating. He hadn't told the crew about the bars, and when they found out about it let's just say they were not very happy. Not happy. Below the ocean, Amos eventually came across the Nessie which sure enough was carrying Sam and Max with it back to it's den. Amos realising that all the creature wanted was to find it's home decided that maybe it would be better to let this one go, and so he did. He threw a lasso around the pair, and pulled them to safety. He then proceeded to wrap the pair up in his arms, as he swam up toward the surface. Upon getting back to the rowing boat, Max was very annoyed with the fact that Amos had let the Loch Ness get away as he got right up in Amos' grill as he asked, "you could have taken that thing apart, now he's gonna get away with my pocket watch?" "Oh, really?" Amos asked as he pulled a pocket watch out from his own beanie, and presented it to Max. "Cheers big ears!" Max proclaimed as he and Sam got back onto their own boat. "You need a lift back to the shore young man?" Sam asked, but Amos smiled and politely turned the offer down claiming that there was a bar up in Westminster that had his name on it. "Catch you on the rebound slick!" Sam proclaimed with a friendly salute as both he and Max rode off back to the mainland in order to file up a proper police report on the taming of the Loch Ness which Sam hoped to one day turn into a Shakespeare like play. Side note; I really hate Shakespeare and the way he holds his feather pen. Amos then decided that he was going to finally find his long lost love. There was nothing left for him back home in Russell Ville now that it was a dictatorship governed by Rasputin, and the famine which he had sought to bring an end to was sure to continue for years to come long after the reign of Rasputin had come to a smelly end. "A good time was had by all, I'm pooped." Amos said as he dived into the sea, and began swimming towards the dark abyss hoping to find his long lost mermaid love, but we never see him find her, and the film ends with his implied death from drowning.

Following the conclusion of their pitch, an eager Father Wentbar cleared his throat as he asked the bog eyed Nick execs; "well what did you think? How was the compression?" "I loved it!" One of the Nick execs proclaimed as he then said, "but there was just this one thing that..." Basically, Nickelodeon just like they always do, demanded massive changes to the script, they also wanted complete creative control over the film's production. Furthermore, they wanted Amos to be a female and to be played by Winona Ryder and they also wanted a rapping bulldog to accompany Amos for the journey and Amos would be renamed Andrea for the film. They also demanded that Rasputin be revealed to be Amos' long lost brother, and the pair buy their own boat which they used to sail the world looking for gold. Nick were in tight with Sam and Max, and they wanted the officers to discuss a lesson to the kids at home. They wanted to implement several intervals in the movie where Sam would talk to the kids at home about the wonders of wheat grass cake. They also wanted Methadone Mick to be a girl and for her to be played by Courtney Cox whom Father America had been scared of ever since he saw her in Ace Ventura. They understandably wanted all the darker moments to be removed, and they also wanted the film to be more up to date with the current sociological mandates by having Amos use a cell phone as a GPS. "What the fuck is a GPS?" Father Wentbar asked one of the execs who rode to work everyday on a monster truck, and he hadn't really been listening to the pair's pitch as he was busy talking about coordinates. The priests basically said, "no thank you to al of those suggestions," and the pair decided that one day they would offer their project to someone who was worth pitching it to. For the time being, the pair headed down to the bay where they decided to fish for some clams so that they could make clam chowder as it happened to be Father Wentbar's favourite fishing food, and I know that more than a couple of you were wondering about that. Back at Nickelodeon's office, the Nick execs all looked at each other with confusion as one asked, "so what do we do now then?" Another one chimed in with, "let's just air another 30 episodes of SpongeBob again."