The Story On Page Dose (Special Agent OSO Lost Episode)

Here's a cut called fit for you. Sorry about that dear; my name is Monty, and I work as a salesman/motivational speaker for the local shop in my home town. I shan't give you the name of the town or the shop that I work at because they are people on the hunt for me. Don't believe me? Last night; I looked out my apartment window and saw a man standing on the street corner looking at the complex. He took a big ole whiff of the air, and looked proper cross when he thought that he had smelt me. Eventually, he realised that he was just smelling the fish and chips that some teenage hoods were eating, as I shit you not Baymax proceeded to fly through the sky crashing into the local clocktower which caused the bloody thing to capsize into the river below. Enough about that though, I'm really trying to get a career in music and have formed a band called Fabolous Fit so far we've only released one sing entitled Fit For You in which we sing about how at our shop the trick is to be kind, and I entrusted my grandmother to sing it along with a bunch of my co-workers who have no enthusiasm and are blander than Jeremy Irons cereal. My grandmother and I tried to pitch our music group to the local radio station, but the cynical man running the show just laughed at our singing voices before he went on a big rant about how he wanted to build an internet café inside an igloo having been inspired to do so by his mentor Indie The Iguana. indie The Iguana had an internet café in an igloo. That's what they say. I originally wanted to be a teacher, until it all went ass faced after I saw an episode of the horrid Playhouse Disney show Special Agent OSO. It's a bad show about a bear named OSO who helps a kid out with a problem each episode. Each problem requires three special steps to solve, and these steps are administered to Oso by Paw Pilot an incredibly patronising thing that appears on Oso's paw device thing. Oso's boss is the mysterious Mr Dose who we never actually see, but we always hear. I always hated the show, and my brother in Soho knew that and he would mock me by making us watch the show all day every day. When I moved from home, I vowed that I would never watch that show again. My mother had been fooled and thought that I actually enjoyed watching OSO, and for my 40th birthday she made me a bloody OSO birthday cake which had OSO on it with his bro Wolfie. The cake had jam in it much to my disgust,

Enough about birthday cakes and random tangents; this story all began on a day like all days in the middle of September well it was more towards the beginning of Sept to be precise, but let's not worry about that shall we. As I said earlier; I wanted to get a job as a teacher before deciding that a career in music is where my heart really wanted to be. I recently got hired to be a teaching assistant at Hartley Dale High School having impressed headteacher Greg Blakeman with the way I'm able to juggle marshmallows. I was very nervous during my interview and smoked a massive amount of jelly beforehand and went on a rant about how Bill Murray was hand and had hands like a gorilla. Blakeman laughed as he said, "there's something special about you Monty I can tell." "Where will I be working?" I asked as Blakeman responded with, "we just got a new teacher Tim Jeffery is the name. He's a bit thick like a brick, so's he's gonna need all the help he can get okay love?" I should mention that Blakeman's office was in one heck of a state there were papers all over the fricking floor, and also there was a couch in the office which had an ice cream dripping down it. This disgusted me personally, and not just because I'm lactose intolerant. I am actually 50% Henry Hoover, and suggested that Blakeman give his office a good clean. Well, actually tell a lie; I wanted to suggest that but ultimately I decided against as I felt it unwise to challenge the fat man as he was my new boss after all. The day was a Monday, and it was actually the first Monday after the Summer holidays which meant that it was time for a big assembly. According to Blakeman; the other teachers were very prejudice towards the helping aides so I had to sit in the hall with the students while Blakeman and his cronies got to sit on the stage. I sat next to a kid named Notso whom Blakeman advised me to keep an eye on as he was known for being a regular troublemaker, and was the arch nemesis of Deputy Head Dr Crabblesnitch who if I may add was wearing a sick looking fedora during the assembly. Notso often caused problems like dumping in the lake and picking flowers out from the school's secret garden which is guarded by a man who had an ass for a face. Crabblesnitch told Notso time and time again that he needed to keep his nose clean, or else Crabby would clean it himself. He wasn't joking either, as Crabby had a thing for noses more specifically cleaning them as he had a big box of tissues in his desk which he kept hidden by a special sauce. Whatever that means. The assembly was all above board with Blakeman discussing the changes made over the holiday, and how he has decided to add rice pudding to the dessert menu. He then let out a big ole fart, but laughed it off as he then remarked, "sorry about that boys and girls; the wife made me goat cheese tacos last night. Yet another reason to despise Jamie Oliver." Side note; I hate Jamie Oliver. He came up to me in the street one day, and demanded that I put my coca cola can in his bag as he hates sugar. It's my can, and I can drink it as I please bro.

The teacher that I would be helping; Tim Jeffery then came on the stage and I don't mean that way and he looked very sluggish. He was sweating up a storm, and he kept pulling on his shirt collar as he let one rip. He sat down in his chair, as Blakeman then farted too as he went on about who was in what class. Jeffery was the newly hired IT teacher and had been selected by Blakeman as the new head of the department with the old head having been fired because according to Blakeman she didn't like the chips which were doused in so much gravy it's almost inhumane. Blakeman proceeded to escort us towards the IT classroom as Jeffery was a very awkward man and stood at the back of the line. He was acting very shifty as he kept looking back and forth like an NPC right out of Spyro 3. Notso ended up accidentally walking right into Jeffery, and Notso got very angry as he asked, "what's your problem man?" "Oh, you'll see come the world cup final this afternoon!" Jeffery joked to which Notso asked, "what?" "Oh never mind him dear. He's got a bit of a nervous stomach probably from the chicken." Blakeman responded from the front of the line as we finally reached the classroom. Blakeman appeared to be a fan of jokes as he hid behind the door as we walked in, and would jump out and scare any student that passed him by except for the one kid who was proper miserable and just stared impassively at Blakeman when he did it. Blakeman then left the classroom after another large fart, and as he danced his way down the hallway I swear I could have heard him doing an evil laugh. Probably just my imagination though. Tim Jeffery meanwhile walked to the front of the classroom, and did the register and he then explained that his plan for the first week back was to create an episode of a television show which would then be broadcast during an assembly on the following Monday. "What show would we make it about?" I asked as Jeffery responded with, "well I think we should make it about my favourite show as this is my classroom after all." "And what show is that?" Notso asked who was busy looking up pictures of men in suits on the computer which angered me as I hated suits, that was when Jeffery explained that his favourite show was Special Agent OSO. I was about ready to run out from the classroom, until Jeffery declared that if we made it really well he would ensure that we would receive no homework for the rest of the term. We all began typing like mad men on our computers, well I didn't as I just stood in the corner looking at the paintings that hung on the wall one of which had a clown sitting on a chair and he just looked sad. So very sad indeed. That was when Jeffery caught a good whiff of something in the air. He came up to Notso, and pulled a sandwich out from his bag. He took a whiff of the sandwich as he remarked, "oh that's a bit pongy." He proceeded to yeat the sandwich into the dustbin because according to him lunches from home were banned from now until the end of days.

Well to make a long story short; the rest of the week went by normally though lunchtime was very cruel as I had to eat with Notso in the canteen as I wasn't allowed inside the teacher's lounge because according to informants; Blakeman had some big business going on in there that couldn't be disturbed. The chef on duty Stinky had become an enemy of mine. He smelt like shit as the name implies, as he was proper rude and he was a real gold digger too as he was nice and polite to the rich kids but very rude to the poors like myself and Notso. Also, his voice changed whenever he said the word, "poor," and he sounded like a card game announcer who just smelt a big ole fart. POOR! Stinky did a double take when I asked for extra mustard, and he proceeded to make a rant about how the menu had been approved by the local Cartel who were providing the school with a service. The Cartel controlled the trucks that brought in the food that the school would then shovel into it's metaphorical gob. The lunch hour got really annoying as the lunch lady Dot kept banging on the table with a ladle the size of the Empire State Building as she yelled, "seconds!" I wanted seconds, but sadly I was called to my teaching duties by Tim Jeffery who said that he wanted me to be the first person to watch his cartoon before he submitted it to Blakeman. "I simply must go." I sang like some kind of Cerys Matthews, but Jeffery was having none of it as he proceeded to usher me and Notso towards the classroom. I asked Jeffery why he had taken such an issue with the sandwich that Notso had been eating, but he didn't respond as he began setting up the projector so that we could view the special project as he dubbed it. According to Jeffery; he had been working on it over the Summer. Also, while he was setting up the pro, a fricking clown appeared in the window looking into the calssroom and it did a cutting throat expression. The school had recently hired that clown to appear outside classrooms periodically in order to scare them from getting distracted. I laughed instead of jumping because I'm quite the hardcore Monty which caused the clown to pull an incredibly shocked face, and he looked proper dumb when he was shocked. It looked someone who a piece of LEGO shoved up their ass which I've totally never done back when the weather was cold and the cat litter boxes were getting too high up on the shelves. Back to the main meat and potatoes of the story at hand; Jeffery finished setting the film up as a brief clip began to play which had been added in by Notso. It featured a seagull sitting on top of a statue. The seagull looked proper dopey; it's eyes were bulging like Luca Brasi as it looked at the screen and said in an incredibly sombre tone of voice, "I miss my saur." I too miss his saur. How I'd love to hear him roar. I hated that gull as I knew he was in bed with Admiral. They'll do anything for a bit of prime seaside ever since their office block in Cardiff became a dumping ground for the local Cartel. Why is the Cartel so frequently mentioned? Mice I suppose. Well; that's when the theme song to the bloody terrible show known as Special Agent OSO began to play. While the intro played; Jeffery had a go at Notso for not eating the chips as Notso was busy tucking into a milky bar sandwich. With his mouth full of crumby crumbs Notso simply remarked; "I'm not allowed Sir."

The theme was very bad. While climbing up the mountain; Oso ended up having the rope snap on him as he fell towards the sharp edged mountains below him likely as a result of his weight. Indeed, Oso was incredibly fat for a bear just saying. When Oso was shown helping the girl prepare a salad; he wasn't being very gentle he was bounding her arms into the bowl as he then proceeded to bash her head on the counter top while the singer in the background sounded as chipper as ever as he sang, "to help a kid somewhere." Oso was then looking proper dodgy as he hid behind an alleyway and looked back and forth like a skunk named Stu whom I miss dearly. Why did he have to stand so close to the Nitros dear reader? Sorry about that, When Mr Dos ordered Oso to hurry, the bear just looked proper stupid like he forgot who he was or something. He looked genuinely confused too as if the gravity of Dos' assignment had finally hit him. When Oso was shown swimming in the ocean; it looked dirty as there were plastic bottles everywhere and Oso ended up getting eaten by a whale. When Oso is confronted by the robot; he showed no fear and proceeded to rip the battery pack right from under the robot's toe. A scientist then came on screen, and he looked very sad as he held the robot in his hands who coughed out oil and eyeballs. The scientist then pointed angrily at Oso as he yelled, "you did this Oso!" Lastly, when Oso high fives the little boy he instead falcon punched the boy which sent him flying all the way to Timbuktu. The logo then came on screen, but Oso caused all of the letters to fall down onto the ground likely as a result of his weight once again. "Oh Oso!" Mr Dos could be heard yelling in the background. Mr Dos sure likes his toast if you know what I mean. Side note; did you ever think about how condescending the singer sounds in the theme with him singing, "he's Oso special," over and over again. He knows that Oso is proper stupid and he wants to really twist the knife into that CGI abomination of a bear. Can't really blame him to be honest with you dear. The episode's title then came on screen and it read, "The Story On Page Dos." The writing credit was addressed to Tim Jeffery and him alone. The episode began with an outside view of an old abandoned house somewhere in the sticks. Oso was shown outside of the house pacing back and forth which was when Wolfie approached him. If you're not in the Oso fandom not that you'd want to be they sell stickers that smell of ass; Wolfie is a blue wolf and a member of the secret service that employs Oso. Wolfie was much cooler and smarter than Oso, and though he treated Oso with cold politeness there was always that tiny hint of reproach for Oso and his stupidity and lack of common sense. "Oso, stop being silly we only have a few hours to get everything ready for Mr Dos' big birthday bash. Now remember; you're in charge of getting the cake and the balloons. Can you do that?" Wolfie asked to which Oso responded with, "sure can Wolfie!" "I'm glad to hear it." Wolfie said as he had to go and deal with the trade unionists in the Garment Centre who were causing a lot of trouble for ole Dos they were.

Like it normally does; the episode cut to show a child struggling with a problem which Oso is then forced to help out with. The child's problem ties in with the assignment that Oso is handling at the start of the episode. It all comes together beautifully like a music video from Fabulous Fit. Here's a cut called Fit For You. Sorry! Anyways, the child being shown was wearing a sick red shirt which if you zoomed in 5000% you would be able to see the face of an incredibly cynical man in the show business who knows that the people being interviewed are speaking Flemish and not Belgian as we had all been foolishly led to believe. The kid's name was Georgie O'Hare and he was the son of Aloysius O'Hare AKA the man who found a way to sell air. O'Hare had a son indeed. I guess you could call him Son Of O'Hare! Mr O'Hare was currently decorating his house for his son's birthday; he had his enforcers roll out some barrels of premium fresh O'Hare air onto the front porch, but when that was Georgie chimed up as he was now sponsored by Huggies he wanted to make his own birthday party. "Well that's quite a big job kiddo are you sure you can handle it?" O'Hare asked concerned, although secretly he was relishing his son's bravado as he intended to use that when Georgie became big and strong so that the pair could join together in building their own air company. "Trust me Pop I can do it." Georgie said as he was playing outside in the basketball court with a dodgeball that O'Hare's face stamped onto it, and it looked bloody horrifying. "Well if you say so." Mr O'Hare said as he then made a big stink about how the guests would be arriving in exactly two hours and forty five minutes. O'Hare often leaves things to the last minute which is why nothing was ready. Georgie gulped a gulp as he watched his father depart in his limo as he was late for a meeting with the air police. He looked nervous Georgie did, but he was probably fantasising about old ladies turning into chocolate bars. Lasalle! Sorry about that love, in any case, Georgie like all of the other dumb kids on the show could not do the task at hand. It's about time that I mention that each and every episode had the child and their situation parallel with Oso's. So while Oso was prepping for Mr Dos' birthday bash, Georgie was preparing his own. Georgie went out into his garden which was the size of Wembley Stadium and headed into his shed only to become horrified when he saw a big ole bee nest was hiding at the top of the shed, a bee poked out from the nest and it had glasses on. It sounded proper dumb as it pointed at Georgie and proclaimed; "howdy do!" Georgie was scared of bees aren't we all as he hid behind an old oak tree, and realised that he needed help. The shed was where all of the balloons were kept for some odd reason. Georgie decided that maybe he didn't need balloons as he tried to set the streamers up in the living room, but he failed and he then tried to put the bunton. He called up the man who owned the bunton a bald headed gangster who had a hand in the auto theft racket, and upon answering the phone the man yelled, "what are you doing with me bunton ya wee bastard!?"

Georgie then began crying because he realised that by nicking the bunton he more than likely got a hit placed onto his father's horrid haircut. That was when the ladybug bot appeared, if you're not in the Oso fandom and don't know what that is don't worry about it. The ladybug bot filmed Georgie's tears of beers, and transmitted it to a satellite in the sky which was believed to be the home turf of both Mr Dos and Paw Pilot. Back with Oso; he was trying his best to do the best party that he possibly could. Oso was in the kitchen baking a cake as fast as he could, but he was making a real mess. He was getting flour all over the place, and he tried to mix it into a bowl but got more stuff all over the beautiful floor. Oso smiled sheepishly at the screen as he said his usual catchphrase, "it's all part of the plan... more or less." Suddenly, an old man named Dennis walked into the house. He looked rather important as he wearing a nice three piece suit. He was carrying a brown and sticky envelope probably a gift from Greg Wallace. Dennis handed the envelope to Oso as he then stared at the bear with an aroused look in the eye as he asked, "wanna sarplay?" I'm sorry what? Oh Dennis Kim you're so Money Supermarket! It seemed that Dennis wanted to turn Oso into a gold digger, which might explain why Oso is unable to talk to girls and he fails to pick up on the pick ups that fellow agent Dottie sends his way. Ooh send me on my way send me on my way. Like he owned the place; Dennis sat in the dining room as he read from a newspaper from 1860 as he suggested that Oso hire an entertainer. Oso went through the phonebook as he came across a man named Rick who was apparently the go to entertainer for parties in Oso Land. However, Oso was unable to realise the heavy sarcastic nature of the phonebook which had been written by the most sarcastic Viking you ever did see. So the words go to were actually in quotations meaning that Rick was not the man you wanted to bring the fun to the party. Oso called up Rick, and that was when he was interrupted by his smelly watch. He opened the watch as Mr Dos began speaking with, "Oso this kid named Georgie O'Hare is having trouble setting up his birthday party. He only has two hours left to get everything ready. Will you help?" "Sure Mr Dos!" Oso proclaimed happily, and sigh that was when the three special steps song began to play. Oh my giddy aunt how I hate the three special steps song! So basically, in every episode and I really do mean every blooming episode, Paw Pilot appears to give Oso the three steps that he'll need to help out the child with their problem because Oso is so stupid he can't figure anything out for himself. Paw Pilot began singing normally with, "three special steps that's all you need, three special steps and you'll succeed." However, Paw Pilot's song was cut off as it cut to nothing. Oso was confused as he said, "how am I supposed to... oh whatever." Paw Pilot then came back on the screen, but before she could continue her song she was thankfully cut off as her system had been hijacked by a rabbit who owned the bank that scammed Oso. The rabbit began reading through his shopping list, and for this one scene Oso became a proper miserable son of a gun as he just remained impassive throughout the whole exchange.

Thankfully, that ended and Oso transported to the house of Georgie O'Hare. Unlike how normal people would react to Special Agent Oso magically appearing in their house unannounced, Georgie looked mighty pleased as he proclaimed, "Special Agent Oso!" "That's me heh heh." Oso said awkwardly. Oso was quite the awkward bear all things considered. Anyhow, Georgie had given the bunton back to the gangster as a peace offering, but he had a secret stash hidden in the attic just in case a party ever got heated. Oso decided that he was going to go up in the attic to get not just the bunton but also the wrapping paper. Up the attic, Oso couldn't find anything useful as there were cardboard boxes all over the place, there were also rats massive rats too just chilling watching home videos of days gone by, and there was also a man in a bishops hat blowing notes into a trumpet as he cried, "Alberto please!" When in Rome eh? Oso finally appeared atop a large box the size of a double decker bus, but there was no wrapping paper instead there was robot toy that looked a bit like the one from the theme song. The robot began chasing Oso as sinister music played in the background. Oso then decided to kill the robot by making it self destruct itself. Oso pulled up a shoe box and sat on it as he told the robot that as a robot he had no rights, and would never be able to have any fun or attend the wedding of his brother Borgais who was only half a robot the other half man. Robot hybrids were okay I guess, but the 100% robots were a major no no. The robot proceeded to have it's head literally explode. Confetti burst out from the body as Oso proclaimed, "problem solv..." He was cut off as three massive rolls of wrapping paper flew out from the now decapitated robot. Oso grabbed the wrapping paper in rapid succession and upon getting back to the ground level he was horrified to learn from Georgie that the robot was actually very important to O'Hare Air, and was the prototype of a robot that O'Hare planned to use in all of his factories in order to make the creation of his air a lot easier and cost effective. Mr O'Hare when did you get so noble? Wait a bleaking minute, there's nothing noble about that whatsoever. "So what's next Georgie?" Oso asked as Georgie then explained that his father was supposed to hire a clown for the shindig, but as he was now handling the party duties all by himself he would have to find one. Like some kind of Ted Glen; Oso proclaimed, "leave it with me!" Oso walked out from the house, and up the path where he then opened the gate and walked through the fields. Where was he going to find a clown at this time of day hmm? Oso eventually came up with nothing as he debated dawning the clown makeup himself, but that was when he spotted a man walking down the road. He was doing some cool tricks with a yoyo. Oso walked up to the man, and asked if he'd be willingly to perform at Georgie's birthday party. "Sure kid; now remember the secret of a good yoyo is to focus on your toe." The man explained. Oso brought the yoyo master over to Georgie's house who needless to say was not very impressed by Oso's handling of the entertainment circuit. Georgie feared that his friends would not be satisfied without a clown so Oso decided he needed to call in a big gun.

Actually no he didn't, as Oso had no time to get a clown now as he had to help Georgie with getting his birthday cake ready. Oso once again very patronisingly instructed Georgie on how to apply icing to the top of the birthday cake. Oso was terrible however as he took fricking ages just to apply the icing, he kept adding more and more layers as the episode then shat itself and began playing on a constant loop. Once the cake was finished, Oso placed it onto a plate and began walking very slowly with it towards the dining room but he ended up tripping on a banana peel and he got the cake all over the floor as a result. Not that it mattered much anyhow as the cake was liver favoured. Who the heck wants a liver flavoured cake? Garfield probably. Georgie's friends had shown up as had Georgie's Grandpa Edgar O'Hare who looked very shocked when he saw Oso but then he made finger guns motions towards the bear suggesting that he holds feelings for that stuffed bear. He wants to stuff that bear if you get my drift. The yoyo master was boring all of the kids in the room by telling them about how yoyos are built in a big factory in West Berlin where they are then stuffed with rubber. Once again, the episode was being heavily sarcastic and the yoyo master was actually making a joke about the current lack of standards in the trade of yoyos and quality postage stamps. The man had a thing for stamps he did. Oso finally walked into the room not holding the remints of Georgie's birthday cake but instead a balloon he had managed to steal from a funeral. At a funeral? Not even Carl Johnson would sink that low Oso! The balloon was well ugly it had the face of someone you would not want to meet late one night. Unfortunately, Georgie's grandpa Edgar was very scared of balloons, and once again looked very shocked when he saw the balloon. He almost died of fright. For some reason, in this scene and this scene only Special Agent Oso changed from being well Oso into a fricking old pensioner named Frankie B. Frankie B was Edgar's oldest friend with the pair having smuggled Tetley Tea to the troops during World War II, even though the commanding officer really wanted Yorkshire Tea. Frankie grabbed the balloon, and held it right up to Edgar's face as he said, "give it a squeeze." The balloon rubbed against Edgar's face as it proceeded to pop right in front of him. Edgar shat all over the floor no joke you actually saw it and it was blue suggesting that the O'Hare linage has ties to the Smurfs. Edgar was taken to the hospital, but he didn't have a pleasant ride over there as the paramedic treating him was dancing at the back of the ambulance and singing about a pizza. "Making the pizza sprinkle the cheese." The man sang as he danced with a pizza which was shaped exactly like Robert De Niro's middle toe. Edgar cried in despair as he was taken to a hospital ran by the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham. It was constructed in 2003 by Lady Birkshire. I think she and Edgar O'Hare had a date once. She was far too young for him though, but they still keep in touch and occasionally write each other letters. They don't want the press knowing of their connection or past relationship so they cut words out of magazines and then douse them in Filippo Berio Olive Oil in order to make the letter feel silky smooth to the touch.

What was I talking about? Oh! I do apologize I got a bad case of mullet flu it's a rare condition that only affects people with mullets like yours truly. I'll power through though. Oso was horrified when Mr O'Hare finally showed up, but to his surprise O'Hare wasn't really that concerned by his father's condition as he had got himself and his son tickets to the local sea park. Oh yeah, Oso was now back to his usual self and was no longer being played by Frankie B. Seriously, what was that? At the sea park which was called See The Sea; Oso was given a hotdog which was so salty that Oso joked they probably dipped it in the ocean before serving it to him. The server held a straw up to Oso as he asked, "want a seamen transfer machine?" "What?" Oso asked as the man laughed it off before giving Oso a big plate full of blue baked beans even though according to the server you really didn't want to eat the blue ones. They were meant for the Rockefeller Penguins. Well, in that case why did you give him them then? It was time to put on a show as Oso and the birthday party headed to the arena in order to watch the whales. However, there were no whales instead there was a dolphin which was very evil. Georgie was scared of getting close to the dolphins, but he really wanted a picture of them in order to remember this beautiful birthday. Yes, the same birthday where his grandfather was taken to the emergency room. Really, no one in the O'Hare family liked Edgar did they? So sad. O'Hare basically threatened Oso into getting a picture taken with the dolphin. "Do it or else you're fired!" O'Hare threatened as Oso then responded with, "but I don't work for you Mr O'Hare." The episode cut to a brief two second clip of a man taking a shit and the man looked ill having drunken an entire bottle of liquid colon blow, but then it came back to show Oso arriving at the dolphin enclosure. He took next to the dolphin, and rubbed his bear paw across the dolphin's shiny dome which was then the scene turned sadistic. The dolphin had teeth sharp as knives as it proceeded to pull Oso under the waves with it. Oso was dragged down into the depths, but he didn't drown as he was saved by one of See The Sea's employees who was an old Sicilian lady who got very annoying as she got right up in Oso's grill and asked why he was working for the terrible Mr Dos, when Oso could instead be working down at the docks for a nice man named Mr Pappalardo. Oso grimaced when the old crone mentioned the fat daddy, but as for the dolphin it was given a tub of sardine kelp. I never said the dolphin would hurt now did I? Oso then left the sea park as it was time for him to return to the land of Dos. Before leaving, the yoyo king who is married to Jo King a woman who is living on the dole but yet she owns 5 Iphones and two Rollex watches attempted to get paid by Oso. "You owe me 50 bucks boy." The yoyo king threatened but Oso was able to buy the man off by showing that his entire body was covered in pieces of pepperoni. "Mm that's pretty hot." The yoyo king remarked as he gave Oso a lift back to the house from earlier where Oso would need to get yet another birthday prepared.

If things went far enough, and if Oso really committed himself tonight then maybe he could become Mr Dos' royal vizier come Christmas time. I'm guessing Mr Dos was also Sir Mr Dose, and that really doesn't surprise as he did have the mark of a royal whatever that means. Oso. wanting to avoid a huge mistake like Georgie's party, he decided that he was going to make Mr Dos' house float into the air. Yes, apparently this was the house of the mighty Dos. There were three staircases, and a car seven cars to be exact in the parking lot one for each day of the week. All fancy cars too like a Rolls Royce to a Fiet Panda. Huh? Sorry, I was challenging my inner Nermal right there, but Oso being a massive fan of the Pixar movie Up decided that he would make the house fly. With magic or something, Oso teleported to the local dockyard where he paid a man a hefty sum of dosh to use his hot air balloon for the afternoon. The man complied, and actually turned down the money as he said, "it never was about the money." The man said he would happily give Oso the balloon for free as long as he took him out for dinner at Chez Crateau. Like some kind of Crane, Oso got proper awkward as he said, "okay." Oso headed back to the house with the hot air balloon. He had wrapped a wire around his middle which allowed for the balloon to follow behind him. I don't think that one hot air balloon is gonna be enough to lift an entire fricking house, but what do I know ay? I'm not a balloon connoisseur. Oso climbed onto the roof as he once again said, "it's all part of the plan... more or less." Oso stop trying to make it's all part of the plan happen, it's not gonna happen! Oso tied the hot air balloon onto the chimney which had a face on it. The chimney was indeed sentient and was very evil as it was stopping the smoke from coming through by putting a top hat on top of the chimney hole which means that anyone inside the house will choke to death on the fumes. Oso got the balloon to start flying, by doing the thing with the match or whatever the shit you do with a hot air balloon. Like I said earlier dear reader; I ain't no balloon connoisseur. Surprisingly, and I guess as a result of cartoon logic the house was actually lifted off from the ground for a few moments. Oso failed to realise that he probably should of waited for Mr Dos to get back, before he attempted this but Oso ain't too bright ya know? A couple of people know that. Sorry for getting so cynical dear reader; anyways, as you might of expected the house didn't remain in the air for long as it came crashing back down to the ground with an almighty boom. In a weird homage to Wizard Of Oz, the house ended up falling on top of someone, but not a witch it fell atop Wolfie. I always liked Wolfie; he was the only one who could see through Mr Dos and Paw Pilot's corruption. Also unlike the overly sweet and saccharine Dottie, Wolfie tried his best to teach Oso in a kind brotherly way. Wolfie's Nike shoes were sticking out from the bottom of the house, and Oso tried to rip them off his feet but they gave him a nasty shock. Oso appeared confused as suddenly a small black limo pulled up on the pavement beside him, and who should be driving it than none other than Mr Dos himself. Wolfie and Dottie had asked Mr Dos time and time again if he wanted them to hire a driver, but he said, "no."

For the first time in Special Agent Oso history; Mr Dos appeared on screen. Huh. He looked not at all like I was expecting. He looked like James Earl Jones, and he was an old geezer dressed in what appeared to be golf clothes. Where was Paw Pilot? She was sitting in the car in a mood because Oso hadn't listened to her three special steps. She was not aware about the signal getting jammed. Mr Dos walked up to Oso as he asked in a stern tone, "what did you do to my house Special Agent Oso?" "Uh it was an accident." Oso admitted, but Mr Dos despite initially seeming to be very cross with Oso actually showed himself to have a good sense of humour as he then said, "oh don't worry about it Oso, these things happen." I mean as established earlier, Mr Dos is practically made of money which I guess explains why he took it so well. Except he really hadn't. Turns out he was only pretending to be forgiving so that he could lure Oso into a false sense of security. Mr Dos then claimed that Oso was up for a promotion, Oso initially jumped for joy, but his joy was cut short as he was reassigned to Harkness Street which was the worst street in Oso land, and this entire bit wasn't played for laughs either as Oso was realistically tormented by a goose with dyed blue named Martin Goose who forced Oso to help him make an ice cream sandwich. Oso picked a biscuit out from the packet as he held it up to the screen as he asked, "what can we make of the cookie do you know?" He stared at the screen for twenty minutes, as he then decided to teach Martin Goose a lesson. He grabbed an old hotdog and began whacking Martin Goose across the face with it. Martin was all bark no bite so he put up no resistance, but he ended up getting the last laugh as Oso ended up making a dive for him. Martin ducked out of the way just in time. I guess you could say he duck duck goosed, as Oso ended up falling into a big tub of raw cookie dough. Oso was mixed into the bowl by Martin Goose and his lover Pound Eye as he became nothing more than a cookie to be sold at local Tesco stores. Mr Dos was watching this entire scene unfold from his roof with a pair of binoculars. He chuckled a James Earl Jones inspired chuckle as he said, "time for the cribbage." I vomited all over the floor of the classroom as I hated cribbage with a passion. The episode then ended with the normal credits only the music was replaced with a distorted version of I Wanna Be Like You from Disney's The Jungle Book. It sounded bloody revolting as it made me grimace with disgust and I nearly fell out from my stinky blue chair as I heard King Louie yell at the top of his lungs, "OOBIE DOOBIE!" The projector then shut itself off as Tim Jeffery then appeared at the front of the classroom as he clasped his clammy hands together before saying, "well what did you two think? Be honest; all feedback givers will get a gold star." After saying that, Tim held up a gold star which had a picture of his fat sweaty face stamped onto it. "Uh that was terrible. I mean I may not like Special Agent Oso, but that made me question my own sanity." I admitted as Notso then chimed in with, "I have to agree Sir, with all due respect that's more likely to start a school riot than inspire a paella." That's a very good point Notso. Anyways, Jeffery sneered as he then revealed himself to have a fricking zipper on his forehead. "What a pity. I was planning on having you boys become my guards, but alas." He then unzipped his forehead as a big green alien came out from it.

The alien was the colour of dark green, it had large claws, a baby like face, a weird device attached to the neck, and large muscly legs. "Time for a hunt." The creature said. It sounded like Tim Jeffery's voice, though a tad bit distorted. Both Notso and I were hiding under the tables when we saw the discarded skin of Tim Jeffery lying on the floor next to the alien. The real Tim Jeffery had been killed and that creature was wearing his skin. Also, side note; the floor in the classroom was very dirty and there was discarded lollipop sticks all over it. The school really needs to hire a new cleaner, the problem is all of the cleaners the school does hire are corrupt and feed the students sweet balls which taste like raw hairy ass. Don't ask me how I know what that tastes like okay? The creature then began chasing us through the hallways after Notso and I had made a mad dash towards the classroom door. It was currently lesson time, as we made our way up the steps towards the canteen. The lunch staff had just headed home thankfully, we ducked behind the till, and Notso then declared that if we were to die then we should go out like men. We started throwing all the things we could find at the creature including the sweetcorn and peppermint patties. They had no effect, as in a last ditch resort Notso grabbed a bottle of otter sauce off from the highest counter in the kitchen. The creature seemed afraid of the otter sauce as it slowly began to back away. Not taking any chances, Notso proceeded to throw the otter sauce directly at the creature. The sauce reacted badly with the creature as it looked very shocked. It did a double take as it then let out a big ole fart before exploding into a million tiny bite size pieces. The entire canteen became embroiled in a mess of mushy pea looking guts and stuff. "What do we do now?" I asked as Notso then responded, "there's only one man who can help us now." Dr Crabblesnitch was in his office reading from The Daily Otter when we burst in, and told him everything that had happened including Tim Jeffery being an alien in disguise as well as the contents of the Special Agent Oso episode. Of course, Crabblesnitch didn't believe a word of it as he got up from his chair and said, "aliens in the school? Pure poppy cock! He pointed at Notso accusingly as he held up a big box of tissues and said, "you just focus on keeping that nose of yours clean boy, or I shall clean it myself. Now head on back to class you might learn something." "Yes Sir." Notso said defeated as he began heading back to class. I then decided then and there, that I wanted out of this school. I handed in my resignation notice to Crabblesnitch who took it well as he said, "well it's your choice, no one is making you stay if you don't want to." He then got up from his chair and left the room to do something with the printer. I headed over to Crabblesnitch's desk, and briefly cosndiered seeing if the rumour of him keeping noses in one of his draws was true or not, but ultimately I decided against it as I instead decided to look at Crabblesnitch's search history, but that was when something caught my eye. He had the CTV footage showing on his computer monitor, so i decided to rewind back to the beginning of the school day.

In the parking lot, I saw a much more professional looking Tim Jeffery with glasses to boot heading towards the teacher's lounge. He had a lesson plan list on him which was the size of the Empire Bay States Building, and also all of the notes had little superhero magnets attached to them. Jeffery was evidently a massive Marvel fan who would use superheroes to make points in his lesson. He probably went to McDonalds during the great superhero takeover of 1995 where Spider-Man and a bunch of other heroes hijacked a mini bus and took it to a local Mickey D's where Spider-Man pondered a ponder about broccoli and how there was a lot of it. Tim Jeffery was then shown on another monitor in a deserted hallway with headteacher Greg Blakeman. Blakeman wanted to show Jeffery something as he let out a big ole fart. Jeffery laughed it off as he joked, "happens to us all." He was a very understanding man that Tim Jeffery. Blakeman did a false smile as he took Tim's glasses off from his face confusing him greatly. Suddenly, a large green claw appeared from the door behind Jeffery. The claw tapped Jeffery on the shoulder three times. Jeffery turned around, and he screamed in pain as he was killed and made into a suit for that fucking creature. Blakeman was an alien too which helped to explain his weird behaviour and constant farting. What was he planning by having one of his species take over the IT department of this secondary school? I was interrupted as an incredibly fat student came into the room with a detention slip in his hands. The man pinned me up against the wall as he proceeded to ask me a series of questions regarding the events that had just transpired. He had seen us getting chased from the window of his classroom. I explained everything to the man who introduced himself as Richard Fatchurd. "This is bad real bad, but no matter there's somebody who can help. You better come with me to Yorkshire Hills; the boss will wanna meet you." "Uh no." I said as I proceeded to push the fat prick out of the way whuch caused him to fall onto the floor, and he waved his legs up in the air as he made a big stink about how he'd fallen and couldn't get up for love nor money. I had enough, and decided to leave school two hours early. I caught a bus to my grandma's house where she introduced me to the dark art of selling cat litter and ceiling fans. Having done a speaking class in college; my grandma suggested and I agreed to use my talking skills for a new avenue. That was when she and I got our jobs at the shop, and the rest is history. A couple years have passed now since that incident, but I can't help but wonder what was going on at Hartley Dale High School that day? Why did that fat man want me to go with him to the Yorkshire Hills? He probably had the hots for me, and wanted to take me to his personal make out spot. His own make out reef as Squidward Tentacles would say. Recently, I've become something of a problem at work as in order to cope with the guilt of running away from my troubles, I've began downing bottles of Midori a sweet green liqueur which looks right out from Shrek's swamp. I began drinking on the job, but my grandma has assured the bosses that if I don't give up the Midori she would beat me to death with a radish. She would have no trouble replacing me with her current boyfriend who used to work in Chinatown for the ambassador. He is also known to be a merciless trolley assembler something that he reminds me of all too often.

Well it's been fun dear readers, but I got to go. It's time for me to restock the shop's shelves, but in the corner of my eye I can see the alcohol aisle. Low and behold, on one of the shelves there are five brand spanking new bottles of Midori. I think I'm in for a rough day. Just remember; to plug my band Fabulous Fit to all of your friends and family. You will love the band, and so will all the family. If you do it, I'll give you a steak made by the most sinister butcher this side of England. Oh yes, wouldn't that be Fit For You?