LUNCHMEAT

No good shows are picked up by my BIG-SCREAM T.V.  I cannot even get classic programs like FAMILY SHATTERS, GHOUL HOUSE or THE GOLDEN GHOULS!  Oh, well, at least it picks up the classic show FEARS with DEAD DANSON AND GORE-GE WENDT aha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  While I watch it, tune in Kiddies to another CHILLING-CHANNEL that is SCARING A SHIVERING-SHOW FRIGHT NOW called...

A guy was walking through a grocery store with a cart of milk, cheese and eggs up, in New York City one night back in 1968.  He made it around a corner and there was a woman standing right there in the aisle.  He stopped and noticed her head was hanging down.  She was a black lady with straight, long hair in a yellow dress.  She rose her head up and stared at the man.  Her face was like a mask without any eyes, just black hollow eye-holes.  The guy jerked in surprise, being startled.  The creepy-black woman chanted: "lunchmeat" repeatedly again and again in a whispery-voice.  The man took off with his cart fast then.  Four minutes later, he got into a car and saw someone approaching it.  It was the black lady and she was saying, "lunchmeat" over and over in whispers.  The guy gasped in fear and drove off in the car.   As the man drove, he turned on his car-radio and The Lemon Pipers sang Green Tambourine on it.  He made it to an apartment building, parked and shut the car radio off.  Taking his groceries to the door of the apartment-building, the guy saw the creepy-black woman approaching him on the sidewalk.  She was just whispering "lunchmeat" over and over.  He let out a scream and she came to him.  She growled in a high-pitched tone and touched his shoulder, crying then.  "Oh, you poor disfigured woman you.  Here, I'll help you.  I will telephone the police to help you tomorrow, but, uh, you can spend the night at my place here" he said to her, explaining and inviting her.  The guy took her down the hall inside the apartment building and into his apartment.  She stopped crying then.

The guy went to his kitchen, put the groceries away and the woman sat down at the kitchen table.  He put some ham on a plate and put it down in front of her.  She ate it, with long fangs then and growled once more in her high-pitched tone.  The man gasped in a bit of fear watching her.  Then the thing hugged him.  An hour later, as the female creature slept in a bed in one of the rooms, a woman came into the apartment and saw the man sitting in the living-room in a chair drinking a bottle of Bourbon.  "Hello Andy" she said to him.  "Hi honey.  How was your day?" Andy replied, asking her.  "Oh, good, thanks for staying awake for me" she answered.  "Of course, Beth.  Um, I found a disfigured lady tonight and am gonna call the police tomorrow.  I let her stay here for the night if that's okay?" Andy said to her and explained.  "Oh, uh, alright.  That was so sweet of you, Andy" Beth said and Andy kissed her on her lips.  During the night, the female monster walked into Beth and Andy's bedroom, showing her long fangs of white, as they slept.  She growled in her high-tone and bent over Beth.  Then opened her mouth wide with the sickening-sound of her cracking-jawbone.

Beth woke up suddenly, screaming and sitting up.  The female monster was gone and Andy woke too and hugged her.  "What's wrong baby?" he asked her.  "Oh there was this horrifying woman in here, Andy!!" Beth answered, calming down.  Andy turned on the lamp and discovered a ham bone on the floor by their bed on Beth's side.  "Oh, it's the bone from the rest of the ham that I gave the poor lady!" he said, explaining.  He checked the other bedroom, finding the woman was gone.  The window in the room was open.  In the morning, Andy and Beth were in Andy's car together as Andy drove through the city.  "A romantic weekend at this cabin honey with just you and I.  John was eager to spend the weekend with Mom and Dad too" Andy said to Beth.  "Yes he was when I dropped him off there last night honey" she said to him in reply.  On Andy's car-radio, The Byrds sang Mr. Tambourine Man, as the female monster quietly slept in the back of the car on her back with her white claws on her stomach.  Three hours later, Andy and Beth arrived at a cabin in the forests of New York, Andy parked outside and they both got out of his car.  The female monster awoke and looked out one of the windows in the back of the car, hissing menacingly, her fangs dripping with liquid.  Beth and Andy went into the cabin and the creature got out of the automobile, hissing eerily.  She ran to the one side of the cabin and looked in a window.  Meanwhile, Andy was sitting in a recliner by a fireplace.  "Nice place honey" he said to Beth.  "It sure is, Andy.  I found out about it from a Friend of mine" Beth replied, sitting down on a sofa.  That night, it rained and Andy slept in a bed upstairs in a room.  Beth stood in the bedroom by the window and a tall shadowy-figure walked into the room.

It was another man and he kissed Beth on her lips.  "Hello, Vern, that is my Husband Andy.  Let me wake him up before you shoot him sweetheart" Beth whispered to the man, as they both looked down at Andy.  "Alright Beth baby" Vern replied, whispering.  Downstairs, the cabin-door was open and the monster walked into the home whispering "lunchmeat" over and over.  She went up the stairs then.  Beth shook Andy's ashoulder, waking him.  "Hi, Andy, this is my Boyfriend Vern.  This is his cabin.  I am moving John and I out here with Vern.  But Vern's gonna shoot you and I'll explain to your Folks and our Son that an intruder killed you" Beth said to him, introducing Andy to Vern and explained.  "What?!  Beth honey you have been cheating on me with this guy?" Andy asked her, talking.  "Yes Andy" she answered, admitting.  The monster came into the bedroom and Vern pulled a pistol out of his pocket.  As he aimed it at Andy, the female monster saw him and whispered "lunchmeat".  She then growled in her high-pitched tone and jumped onto the bed, gouging her claws into Vern's arm.  He screamed out in pain and Beth screamed at the thing.  Andy jumped out of the bed and Vern fired his pistol but shot the pillow.  The monster cracked-open its mouth, then gnawed on Vern's neck, its long white fangs digging into his skin.  Vern screamed more in pain and horror.  Andy and Beth watched with Beth screaming, as the creature bit and gnawed on Vern's shadowy-neck with a combination of eating sounds and her growls.  Vern dropped the gun on the bed, shaking and the thing placed one of its clawed-hands on the back of his head then.  Vern became quiet and fell to the floor dead, as the monster let go of his body.  The creature glared at Beth then with its mask-like eye-holes and attacked her.  "ANDY HELP!!!!" she screamed at him while the monster bit her face in the shadows, growling away.  Andy just watched and smiled some.  Beth slumped onto the bed dead when the thing let go of her body.  The creature then stared silently at Andy and touched his cheek with her claws gently.  "Thank you for saving me.  Thank you.  Finish eating your lunchmeat in here" Andy whispered to it and he walked out of the room as the female monster in the yellow dress made sounds of eating once more while she growled.  Andy got into his car and drove away.

What a MEATY-MEMOIR that certainly was eh?  Talk about a MINI SLAY-CATION for the SHRIEKEND hee-hee-hee.  That was so nice of Andy to let that lady SPEND THE FRIGHT at his apartment.  He, Beth and Vern found out that she had quite the APPEFRIGHT in the end though heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!