recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Arno Stern

Artwork by Annalise Jensen

A relative newcomer to Phobos, Arno Stern is a resident of the Authentic Tavern and an occasional mercenary-for-hire.

## Appearance

Arno is considered pale compared with an average citizen of Phobos. He tends to dress in traditional layered clothing, with the exception of a blue plastic raincoat he took a liking to and wears occasionally on darker days. The skillwires installed following his arrival in the city are visible below his left ear.

## History

Born in the Kingdom of Bohemia in the latter part of the 16th Century, Arnold Cornelius Stern spent time as a legal student and a member of the Habsburg army before joining the ranks of the Prague guard. During his brief life, he traveled through Moravia and Hungary, liberating Eztergorm from Ottoman forces before returning to Prague.

In the winter of 1598, Arno was killed by an errant time-traveler named River Cobalt-Sioux while guarding the Klementinum. Neida Kampf, the Janitor tasked with cleaning the scene, concealed evidence of the murder, bringing Arno's body back through the Snow Door and revivifying him.

## Trivia

* Arno's ability to speak antiquated versions of German, Czech and Italian as well as read in Latin make him a novelty for the history-obsessed elites of Phobos.
* Artwork by Annalise Jensen.
Night Bakers

An open-air pâtisserie located near Maelstrom in The Overhang. Opens only during night hours.

## Associated characters

* Jinny Tea (Owner)
* Vox Tempest
* Arno Stern

## Trivia

* Does a lot of business from people exiting Maelstrom at the end of the night
* Vox is known for taking 'dates' there.
* Arno is a little too obsessed with the kolache they sell.
Jaunt Ginova

Jaunt Ginova is a history of great reputation as a very skilled Opportunist. She has worked hard to make a name for herself since entering the Archivists Academy and has finally found that success.

## Appearance

She is a Sagi, giving her long thin legs that can deliver powerful kicks. She has a feathered fringe on the back of her head and a feathered body.

Her head and chest feathers are dark in coloring. She has large clever eyes and and teasing expression.

She wears clothes similar to an Female Adventurer from the early 1900s. She wears high-waisted trousers and tucked in blouses open at the neck with oxford shoes or simple leather boots. Her shoes have to be quite large to contain her clawed feet but she considers the awkwardness worth it for the fashion.

## History

Jaunt was one of the first xeno species to be highly recognized by the Historians. She rose through the ranks quickly and narrowed in on the "sexier" career of an Opportunist.

Opportunists find moments in time that can be used by time-travelers without risking a fault in the timeline. These are moments where certain people, locations, or items cannot have an impact on the future and are therefor Opportunities which can be taken advantage of by those traveling from the future.

The Opportunists and the Janitors historically do not get along because they represent opposite interests in regards to time travel: protecting the timeline versus taking advantage of it.

## In-game appearances

Since the story began, we have seen Jaunt:

* Introduce the gold-nabbing Opportunity on a train that was never heard from again in 1880 to Anek's Protectionist forces.
* The team later learned that train was never seen because Fracture forces transported it out into space in order to rob it. They were unsuccessful in the second thanks to The Nova.
Elsy Speck

Golden-eyed hunter, and flying-dirty sky racer. Her sharp wit and sharper mouth hide the fact that she has a childlike wonder for space travel and beautiful ships, and enjoys sipping fancy space cocoa while watching fashion flit by. She’s guarded and dreams of space for a good reason though, the loss of her best friend and brother Helsing to Helix Corps is more troubling, and riddled with more complications and sorrow then she lets on.

## History

SHE FLY (damn straight.)

Elsy Spark moved to a high end penthouse in Phobos’s park district when she was 6 years old, along with her twin brother Helsing and parents. Her parents money came from dark dealings on the black market. Ultimately they got in deeper then they intended, and when Helix Corp offered them a deal, they snatched it. They sold Elsy and Helsing to the “Gifted Children Program” when they were 12 years old to expunge themselves of all debts, ultimately loosing their lives in the deal all the same.

Elsy lost more then just a year of her life to the program, her brother ultimately choosing to stay behind when she escaped.

Piecing together her parents deal and deaths upon returning to their apartment was Elsy's first taste of hunter life. She discovered through her questioning that she was alone, but free. Watching the ships come and go from port, she rediscovered her dream of being a pilot. Changing her last name from Spark to Speck, and pawning off her parents possessions proved to not be enough to enroll in the flight program of her dreams. Instead she became a street racer until being lured in to her first job with the Nova at 25 years old.
311: Eat My Personal Squash

Wrap your earholes around this one, if you like. If you don't, just leave it on the table and I'm sure somebody else will want it. In this episode Joe lets you live out the squash career you never had. Steve reviews a restaurant that never was. And Log offers you the love you never deserved.

Thank you for downloading this. If you'd like to support us on Patreon, you can do that at patreon.com/regularfeatures
Helsing Speck

Helsing Spark is a tutor for students at Helix Corporation's Gifted Children program. He is also the brother of Elsy Speck, which is not publicly known.

## Appearance

Helsing has a darker skin tone, is 5' 8", and has a slightly heavier build. He also shares his sister's aureate eye color.

He has a kind and open expression, resembling a teacher who is always ready to help and lacks any patronizing attitude. He gives the impression of a mentor who believes in your increased potential and is patient enough to help you get there.

He has two metallic implants on his temples, and wears darker knit and loose hanging clothing.

## History

Helsing and his twin sister Elsy Spark were traded as children and inducted into the Gifted Children Program. Not much is clear about their lives before this point.

When his sister Elsy escaped the program rumor has it he had a chance to join her but didn't approve of her method, and found staying to be the more moral decision. From that moment on Helsing not only accepted being a part of the program, but thrived there. When he "graduated" the program he excepted a position within the corporation.

Since then he has appeared very focused on his mission to support the Gifted Children program and Helix Corps interests, appearing at publicity events to be a voice for the corporation.

## In-game appearances

Since the beginning of the game, we have seen Helsing:

* Accompanying the children of the HelixCorp Gifted Children program on an Excursion to The Clockworks. He was injured as The Nova made off with two of the children, Milo and Lumen.
* Seen on a television broadcast publicising the news of Lumen's disappearance, and asking members of the public to keep a vigilant eye out for her.
384: Sonic Storm

Steve has gone to see the Sonic movie, and Log has noticed that it was a bit blowy recently. What more do you want? Oh, you want a song and dance do you? You want bells and whistles? You want me on all fours, with a bell around my neck and a whistle jammed into my ass. What I'm getting from this entire conversation is that you want my flatulence to agitate a pea. Well it's not going to happen
Maelstrom

Maelstrom is a nightclub in the Overhang region of Phobos.

## History

Maelstrom was opened five years ago by Vox Tempest. Both the head bartender, Terra, and the head dancer, Crystal Symphony, have been with Maelstrom from the very beginning.

Maelstrom has a very dreamlike quality to it, with everything feeling a little bit off kilter. The general intent of Maelstrom is to let a person forget not just their responsibilities and problems, but who they are as well.

One of its most infamous features is its sprawling galaxy dance-floor.

Miracle Belle is a regular attendant, which lends to the club's prestige.

## Associated characters

* Vox Tempest (Owner)
* Terra (Head bartender)
* Crystal Symphony (Head dancer)
* Crunch (Head bouncer)
* Crush (dancer)
* Miracle Belle
* Lumen
* Volt & Jolt (resident DJs)
* Gimble (Bartender)
* Boombox (Thinks He Works There)

## Trivia

* Serves as the base of operations for The Nova.
* Lumen, a former student of HelixCorp's Gifted Child program who was extracted by The Nova, lives in a re-purposed changing room upstairs, under the care of Vox, Terra and Crystal. They try keep her existence a secret as much as possible.
* All the staff of Maelstrom operate on a 'no pasts' rule. It drives poor Arno Stern insane.
* The Night Bakers gets a lot of business from Maelstrom frequenters, who tend to stumble for some drunken pastries.
Thresher Cosmic Financial

An interplanetary organisation working to maintain macroeconomic stability, growth and development across Gaean worlds, and stop the uniform credit value from becoming volatile. The economic stability of the System depends upon its strict policy enactment and members' responsibility. TCF is largely divided into two fields of regulation: market monitors and the Economists, teams of operators who are sent into boardrooms across the System to get them back into line if they present risks to the financial stability as a whole.

## Associated characters

* Gyre
* Gimble
Jinny Tea

Jinny Tea owns the Night Bakers in The Overhang district of Phobos. It is close to Maelstrom and does a lot of business with people leaving it.

## Appearance

She is a Sagi, giving her long thin legs that can deliver powerful kicks. She has a feathered fringe on the back of her head and a feathered body.

Her head-fringes and chest feathers are orange in coloring while the rest of her body is a creamy-tan. She has peering eyes and a focused expression as well as very careful hands that are often spattered with flour.

She wears simple clothes that are elegant and allow her to do her job, including simple white blouses and leather aprons.

## History

Jinny was born on Phobos even though much of her family remains on Sagi.

Her father was a bakery with an established human Bakery in The Slurry, and worked very hard to earn enough to support his daughter and her brother. She learned how to bake with him and joined him in that bakery when she was old enough. Her father retired and she continued to work to support the family, eventually the right opportunity arose and she purchased her own bakery in The Overhang.

She earned enough with her bakery to set up her parents in a nice home in the capital city of their native planet.

## In-game appearances

* Jinny made a flight board of macaroons for Lumen the night that The Nova extracted her from the Excursion.
* Arno Stern came to check on her the day that contact was lost with Sagi. She was clearly still stunned, so he left her alone and returned later. She was grateful for his concern.
* She served Rinzler some coffee and scones.
* Arno returned to check on Jinny once more after The Nova's debacle at the Toska Research and Development fair. She had been trying to lose herself in her work, and did not appreciate the reminder. She proceeded to express her anger at the Fracture races, believing the propaganda that the attack on Bullet Tower was their work.
* When Arno took Neida Kampf to the Night Bakers, he approached Jinny and subtly informed her he would be going to Sagi for work. Jinny begged him to try and find her father - Red Tea - or at the very least, make sure he was safe. She passed him on a small token to give to her dad, if Arno was able to find him.
* Jinny's father, Red Tea, housed Arno, Vox, Elsy and a disguised Kaz Konnor in the city of Quon on the surface of Sagi after they crashed there and made their way into the settlement. The group also learned that Jinny's estranged mother, Stoic, was a leading member of The Flames, an religious isolationist movement on Sagi intrigued by the Fractures' message.
Pretty and Ugly

This is the only team that consists of two members. If the team is up for elimination again, the remaining contestant will be automatically eliminated. The team consists of Fire Match and Pearly. The team was named when Pearly stated that she was pretty and that Fire Match was ugly.

## Trivia

* This is the only team to have a member taken by force.
80: Putin's Sexy Bin War Newsletter

Matt provides advice for after the UK's inevitable surrender to Russia and details the first stages of The Great Bin War, Steve reads out his first draft of his Helmer newsletter, and Log gets informed he's an alcoholic just like everybody else.

6 Mar 2014

Log

Steve Steve’s roger helmer update part 2

Matt Russian chat up lines + matt’s brother’s wheelie bin problem
233: Lots of Death LIVE at The Canal Cafe Theatre

Guys...we reckon this is EASY one of our Top 6 podcasts ever.

Come see us LIVE on April 3rd:
https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507

Buy yourself a Regular Features tshirt:
http://regularfeatures.bigcartel.com/product/regular-features-the-t-shirt

## R.I.P.

In E233, Joe's feature is a memorial to the members of Regular Features who have since passed away, listed below:

 Log's dog, whose name is unknown
 "Shazam" the John Lewis Services Representative
 The duck that quacks in *that jingle*, Mr. Arnold Pondweed
 "The Boy That We Found" (R.I.P. ?)
 The horse, Premium
 The reader who never learned, Clive
374: Ebeneezer Great

It's shocking. It's frightening. But you can't look away. You cannot take your eyes off it. It is episode 374 of the Regular Features podcast.

Joe has discovered the only thing in this world that can bring unity to the British public, Log dips into his bottomless well of altruism, and Steve lets you in on the secrets to buying the perfect Christmas tree.

Let's go, madame, you've heard enough.
Aesop Holdings

The System's largest company by asset value, Aesop Incorporated is perhaps the only extant corporation that can claim it has reshaped the arc of the universe. Initially a sustainable farming firm on Earth, Aesop evolved over centuries to produce the terraforming packets which were used by the Discovery Corp in the development of new worlds. Now, Aesop develops gene therapy to aid in the elimination of diseases such as Aesop:Amaranth which were arose from mistakes in their original products and have aggregated over centuries. A spin off brand Aesop:Fables sells designer animals and houseplants to markets.

## Associated characters

* Triade
* Milo [?]
250: The Quarter Millennium Live Show

250 episodes and we still haven't found a feature worth repeating. There's only one thing for it...to carry on our brave search for ANOTHER 250 EPISODES!!
(but we're definitely stopping after that)

Grab yourself a ticket for our next live show on August the 7th at the Canal Cafe Theatre: https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507
308: Spider-man's Thwarted Barbecue feat. Tom from Myspace

Daddy needs new shoes and the only way he's going to get them is if you listen to this lil podcast o' mine.

Gav tried to trick people with meat? Whoa! Steve tells a sexy little story about Spider-man's nighttime num-nums? Hachi-machi! Joe leaves the room to welcome in a very special, very stinky guest? Who dat? U GOTTA LISTEN BABY!
88: The Magic of Home and Away

Matt describes the quiet hostility of moving in with your partner, Steve undoes an ancient hex, and Log drops a "fuck you, I'm off" bombshell that's not quite as dramatic as it could be

1 May 2014

Log my perfect pub

Steve Steve’s going to cast a spell on you

Matt Matt’s just moved in with his girlfriend / a secret silent war with Matt’s girlfriend
91: Megagames For Haunted Children

Matt did something cool in real life and tells us about it like a big showoff, Gav has arsehole friends on Facebook so you don't have to, and Log discovers that simply walking around can throw anywhere up to TWO behavioural dilemmas into your path

22 May 2014

Log what would the others had done in these situations log had experienced?

Matt matt’s teaser feature

Gav kids see ghosts
Crystal Symphony

Crystal is the lead dancer in Maelstrom, and is responsible for co-coordinating each night's dance themes as well as their outfits. She is also in charge of running Vox Tempest's surveillance network.

## Appearance

Crystal has purple hair, which she typically keeps in an afro. She has a slim, athletic build and dark skin. Her casual attire is usually as extravagant as her work-wear.

She is *incredibly* flexible.

## History

Vox met Crystal five years ago, working in a bar in The Underbelly, back when he was still running an information brokerage. He was impressed by how many secrets Crystal managed to over-hear, and she pointed out to him how patrons tended to forget about the existence of staff, particularly as alcohol flowed and their lips got looser. Vox recruited her into his network for a while, before asking her to come on as a dancer in the club he was opening, Maelstrom. Crystal accepted, and was placed in charge of both the other dancers, as well as his network of informants.

Crystal helps Terra in managing the club whilst Vox is away.

## In-game appearances

Since the game began, we have seen Crystal:

* Crystal caught Vox looking pensive one day before work, and when she asked what was wrong, he told her it was his birthday. She didn't look entirely convinced, but Vox later found a present outside his office all the same.
* Crystal entertained Kaneda Corral and a Protectionist official at Maelstrom - she overheard that there was concern that members of the Fractures were going to exploit the time travel system to wreak havoc, and that the system forces were running low on materials.
* Crystal was dancing with Elsy Speck, and very much enjoying herself.
* Crystal was seen conversing with Arno Stern one night at Maelstrom, where he evidentially was asking about the whereabouts of Lumen and Milo. Crystal gestured to the rafters above, where the two children were sure enough watching the attendees of the club.
* When Kaz Konnor arrived at Maelstrom, Arno asked Crystal who he was. Crystal responded by staring at him in disbelief. Once Kaz motioned for Arno to join him dancing on the stage, Crystal feverishly shoved him towards the platform.

## Trivia

* Is more of a big sister to Lumen rather than a mother figure. She leaves the parenting up to Vox and Terra.
117: Lazy Compilation Special 2

Sad news folks. Owing to an unavoidable technical glitch that made us all sound like dirty robots we've had to humanely destroy the \*real\* episode 117, so instead here's a collection of classic features from the archives.

From episode 36, Gav's story about a slurry pervert.
From episode 45, Steve and Log's time travelling jokes.
From episode 8, Matt's story about an island of Richards.
256: Four Naughty Boys, a Birthday Girl & The Kill Room

Log n Steve bring the funnies while Joe n Gav kidnap their colleague Alanah who celebrated her birthday with the boys in an abattoir.

You can follow Alanah here: https://twitter.com/Charalanahzard

Get yourself a ticket to the next live show on September 4th:
https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507
Aflevering 194

Robbie zoent Patricia tijdens de zoenwedstrijd.

**S2E80. Aflevering 20 van seizoen 2, deel 2 van Het Huis Anubis.**

## Samenvatting

De sollicitant is verrast als Victor, die erg van haar onder de indruk lijkt, aanbiedt om haar opgezette hond weer te maken. Ze is nog meer onder de indruk als blijkt dat Victor een opgezet dier niet raar vindt: zijn hele kantoor hangt er vol mee. Joyce hangt de poster op voor de zoenwedstrijd. Mick zegt tegen Fabian dat hij haar wel wil kussen in ruil voor een column in de schoolkrant. Amber besluit het lotusplantje weer uit de tuin te halen, omdat die eigenlijk woestijntemperaturen is gewend. Patricia maakt zich klaar voor de zoenwedstrijd. Robbie maakt de foto's en Joyce zorgt ervoor dat de kandidaten steeds binnen komen. Victor en de sollicitant, die Vera heet, lijken serieus met elkaar te flirten. Op de trap komen ze Appie en Amber tegen met het plantje. Ze zeggen dat het voor een biologieproject is, maar Victor vertrouwt het niet, omdat ze zo geheimzinnig doen. Vera zegt dat 'kinderen het leuk vinden om spanning te creëren'. Victor neemt Vera meteen aan, zonder officiële sollicitatie. Terwijl Jeroen zijn vader nergens ziet, is de zoenwedstrijd in volle gang. Als er even niemand komt, besluit Robbie Patricia te zoenen. Patricia lijkt het fijn te vinden. Jeroen is blij als hij zijn vader via een computerverbinding op Wolfs laptop ziet. Zijn vader vertelt hem dat hij onschuldig is, maar dat hij schuld moest bekennen omdat hij anders misschien wel vermoord zou worden. Dan valt ineens de verbinding weg. Patricia zegt tegen Joyce dat ze nummer zes goed vond zoenen. Robbie wil de foto's niet laten zien, maar Joyce pakt de camera: nummer zes is Mick...

## Personages

In deze aflevering zijn de volgende hoofdrollen te zien:

* Amber Rosenbergh (Iris Hesseling)
* Fabian Ruitenburg (Lucien van Geffen)
* Appie Tayibi (Achmed Akkabi)
* Jeroen Cornelissen (Sven de WIjn)
* Patricia Soeters (Vreneli van Helbergen)
* Mick Zeelenberg (Vincent Banic)
* Joyce van Bodegraven (Marieke Westenenk)
* Victor Emanuel Rodenmaar Jr. (Walter Crommelin)

In deze aflevering zijn de volgende bijrollen te zien:

* Arie van Swieten (Ton Feil)
* Robbie Lodewijks (Sander van Amsterdam)
* Wolf Rensen / Raven van Prijze (Hugo Metsers)
* Vera de Kell (Elle van Rijn)

In deze aflevering zijn de volgende gast- en figurantenrollen te zien:

* Meneer Cornelissen (Howerd van Dodemont)
* Leerlingen
* Mensen in het park

## Locaties

Deze aflevering speelt zich af op de volgende locaties:

* Het Huis Anubis
* De school van Het Huis Anubis
Khaki Slate

Khaki Slate is a backstreet arms dealer, who shares his store with Galen Hinge.

## Appearance

Khaki appears to be a basic service drone in make, without a any distinct facial features or means of expression. His body is basic and utilitarian. He is 6" and speaks with a voice that changes tone based on the shop he is fronting that day, but always with a rather pieced together and artificial sound.

## History

Khaki Slate runs a backstreet arms store south of the Tinkertate, which he shares with Galen Hinge. He keeps his store on a rotating theme, so as to appeal to different organic demographics.

Galen helps him don his various costumes to match his theme. He will help Galen with certain operations and serve as a general nurse as needed.

## In-game appearances

Since the start of the game, we have seen Khaki:

* Sell members of The Nova weaponary and ammunition. On that particular day, the shop's theme was "Sexy Sexy Pow Pow".
* Helped perform surgery on Arno Stern along with Galen at the Authentic Tavern.
148: Climbing Noel Gallagher

Coming to you live from the bottom of a bucket, it's the Regular Features team. Regular Features roll call go! Hey I'm Matt I'm the joker of the crew. Pom pom pom. And I'm Steve, the handsome one. Doop dee doop da doo. Now it's time for me, Gav, the cheeky chappy. High kick high kick. Off we go.

(This is another episode about Gav getting punched.)
192: Billionaires On The Buses

Open your Thermos and pour yourself a cup of hot Jesus soup - you're one slimy nudge away from listening to Episode 192 of Regular Features! Gav records a conversation on a bus in which there are no heroes, Steve reprises an episode of that TV show that's on those box set ads at the moment, and Log does a Trump in an attempt to curry dick-favour with another gay podcaster. So saith the Lord!
300: Queer Ebaums For The Avocadoball

This is the last ever episode of Regular Features\*.

Steve and Joe go to town in a soundproof booth, while Log is stuck in Nottingham, a prisoner of football and his awful pub. Will they stitch together an episode? I certainly hope so, otherwise I have NO idea what I just uploaded.

* That you will be able to express in Roman Numerals as an uninterrupted string of Cs. GOT YOU GOING THOUGH HUH
218: Welcome to the Parliamentarium, Lady

In this episode of the Regular Features podcast, Log and Steve are joined by Sarah Morgan, who is a woman, a fact that did not escape us as we neglect all other aspects of her being to interminably explore her frankly extraordinary gender. Steve goes to Brussels to sort everything out using pedestals. Log buys a house.

And you? You come to our Christmas Live Show, please! December 5th, 19:30, Canal Cafe Theatre, bring your faces and tighten your laces. http://regularfeatur.es
268: Log's Big Job Interview

Steve cruelly turned down a job as Gav and Joe's Associate Hot Ass Provider - but we've headhunted a new candidate with the hottest ass in Nottingham. Will he make the grade???

Our next live show is a Christmas Special, and it is extra special because we forgot to book the theatre, so it's on the SECOND Monday of the month - December 11th. Please come: https://canalcafetheatre.com/
386: Hendry's Sewer Folktales

"Doctor! Doctor! They're finally waking up!"

"Who is, nurse Hurdy-Gurda?"

"The readers!"

"Jesus Christ, I can't believe it! After all these years?"

"It would seem so. What should we tell them?"

"Get out of my way, nurse. Readers, you've been asleep for... well, a very long time. We've got flying horses these days, and phones are obsolete because we've all got antennae. Thankfully, one thing remains static: Regular Features, and this week Log, Steve and Joe are all talking about inuits, and noses and diseases and everything. Now for god's sake put some clothes on, you're embarrassing yourself."
126: The Big Book of Liver and Chianti

Don't stop til you get enough, sang Michael Jackson. Enough is enough, sang Barbra Streisand. The world is not enough, sang Shirley Manson out of the band Garbage. Enough is as good as a feast, is a thing your mum might say. Un oeuf is French for "a egg".

The point I'm trying to make is that it's episode 126 of Regular Features and nothing you can say or do will ever change that. Log doles out gifts, Matt sets Gav up on simul-dates and Steve does that thing where you repeat the same joke over and over again until it stops being funny and then becomes funny again. Aw yeah, eat it up, here's a fork.
272: Driving Home for 69s with Santana

A Christmas Live Show! (Video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hTZIstky2s ) Steve revisits The House of Kramble, Log takes a journalistic deep-dive into the shadowy world of Bingo, Matt sings a lovely Christmas song, and Santana returns with the spirit of festive cheer, which he illegally stole from a nursing home in Stoke.
Aflevering 301

Mick en Joyce beginnen met hun dropveter-eetwedstrijd.

**S3E067. Aflevering 67 van seizoen 3, deel 1 van Het Huis Anubis.**

## Samenvatting

Nienke en Fabian maken ruzie. Nienke denkt dat Patricia de dief van het huisje is, maar Fabian verdenkt 'Jan de Wit'. Fabian heeft al snel spijt van zijn boosheid en wil snel vergaderen. Victor baalt omdat hij per ongeluk een halve vinger van Noa's gipsafdruk trekt. Senior wil dat zijn zoon zich voorlopig bezighoudt met het huisje. Mevrouw Van Engelen maakt de rolverdeling voor de kerstmusical bekend. Amber is verontwaardigd dat ze geen rol krijgt, maar ze mag verteller zijn. Na de bekendmaking nodigt Mick iedereen uit om te kijken naar de dropveter-eetwedstrijd. Noa is ondertussen in het ziekenhuis geweest en er is blijkbaar niets aan de hand. Ze zegt dat Jeroen voortaan niet meer zo bezorgd moet zijn. Patricia wordt weer gebeld, maar haalt de batterij uit de telefoon. Nienke, Amber, Fabian en Patricia gaan vergaderen, zonder te weten dat Victor ze in de gaten houdt. Rufus krijgt Patricia niet te spreken, dus zegt hij tegen Zeno dat hij haar op school zal opzoeken. Mevrouw Van Engelen wil dat Jeroen samen met 'Jan de Wit' ezel speelt in de musical, maar Jeroen is daar niet zo blij mee.Terwijl de dropveterwedestrijd tussen Mick en Joyce in volle gang is, is de Club aan het vergaderen. Amber en Nienke houden vol dat 'Jan de Wit' Appie is, maar Fabian wil dat niet geloven. Patricia houdt zich afzijdig omdat ze zich schuldig voelt. De clubleden schrikken als Victor ineens in het lokaal staat met een vreemd flesje...

## Personages

In deze aflevering zijn de volgende hoofdrollen te zien:

* Nienke Martens (Loek Beernink)
* Amber Rosenbergh (Iris Hesseling)
* Fabian Ruitenburg (Lucien van Geffen)
* Appie Tayibi (Kevin Wekker)
* Jeroen Cornelissen (Sven de Wijn)
* Patricia Soeters (Vreneli van Helbergen)
* Mick Zeelenberg (Vincent Banic)
* Noa van Rijn (Gamze Tazim)
* Joyce van Bodegraven (Marieke Westenenk)
* Victor Emanuel Rodenmaar Jr. (Walter Crommelin)

In deze aflevering zijn de volgende bijrollen te zien:

* Ellie van Engelen (Ingeborg Ansing)
* Zeno Terpstra (Hero Muller)
* Rufus Malpied (Just Meijer)
* Robbie Lodewijks (Sander van Amsterdam)
* Victor Emanuel Rodenmaar Sr. (Walter Crommelin)

In deze aflevering zijn de volgende gast- en figurantenrollen te zien:

* Leerlingen

## Locaties

* Het Huis Anubis
* De school van Het Huis Anubis
199: Wanking Off a Big Mario Ghost House Space Dick

It is one whole episode before a one with lots of zeroes in, so hoik up your britches and wade on in to taste the tang, captain. This episode of the Regular Features podcast has Steve talking about space, and Log talking about what if what you would do if given the choice to wank off a lovely big penis or don't. God bless you.
Goodbutter Foodsmarts

Named and almost entirely operated by algorithm, GoodButter FoodSmarts monitors production for all food, hygiene and beauty products. The company has exclusive rights to a certain portion territory found on new worlds to incorporate its farming subsidiary Earthwise Mechanics into an efficient system. Their new venture JUICE! may or may not use nanobots to change your mood based on your smoothie choice.
314: Matt's Modjo Moon

Look, we're just going to cop to it. We can't control Matt, but we also won't pretend that we haven't enabled him in the past. We're sorry for what happened. Just know that you're safe now, because he's behind strong Canadian bars.

Anyway, now that's out of the way, Joe's got some YouTube comments he can't believe, and Steve's been doing some pretty thorough research about the ACTUAL MOON. Gav has his phone on.
82: Soiling The Fascist Taxi

Log comes in with a sick note from his tummy, which has been misbehaving in spectacular ways. Matt continues preparing us for our new Russian masters by trying to turn us all fascist, and Gav brings in a recording with a taxi driver who knows a little too much about aviation and women. God, you might as well not listen to it now

20 Mar 2014

Log Gav gave Log his gastroenteritis

Matt is Regular Features a fascist?

Gav Gav recorded a taxi driver
317: One Last Spooky

All hallows we'en may have already passed, but that means it's technically behind us now, which is the spookiest place something can be. So permit us one last spooky feature, performed by Steve, and one last spooky error, performed by Matt when he deleted half the episode. Sorry about that.

It's Regular Features baby. Got it?
143: The Crystal Death Buffet

In this new episode of the podcast that is the podcast what is called Regular Features, Steve's got sex tips, Matt's got buffet bothers and Log's singing a song about somebody who was in love and then dies and it's sad. Those are the things we did. Now I simply must go. I can't just stand around here all day explaining everything to you.
75: Creepy Steve's Table Proposition

Gawping at testes without written permission, refusing to give up a table, and how to appropriately try and seduce a professional working within the games industry. Special thanks to Ultra Combo! (https://soundcloud.com/ultraultraultra)

 30 Jan 2014

Steve is Steve being creepy at the gym?

Matt the “I’ll kiss your vagina” guy + how to properly make the moves

Gav Gav didn’t give up his table at a pub
60: The Jaws Of Danielle Steel

Log tries to find sexy bits in a Danielle Steel novel, and Gav is appalled that the Jaws novelisation he bought on eBay appears to be aimed at the educationally subnormal.

Were you expecting the live podcast? Tough. That's next week, screw you.

Log: Readings from Lone Eagle by Danielle Steel

Steve

Gav: Gav judges a conversation based on the Jaws book
364: Hungry Hungry Taxi Gravy

Woah there Nelly Furtado, would you just look at the length of this absolute unit of an episode. Either we had way too much fun recording it, or whoever was in charge of editing this one waved through a lot of garbage that should have been cut. We'll never tell!

Log wonders what happens when the Hungry Hungry Hippos do brunch. Joe reviews Chichester's local taxi company. And Steve (as well as not being up to date on the latest developments surrounding queer representation in The Last of Us 2, sorry) has a stand up routine about self-service checkouts.
309: Reserve 301 Cockneys For One Dollar

It can only be episode 309 of Regular Features, and you know what that means: more tip-top audio content from the boys what love ya.

Joe has been properly researching how to show someone a good time without spending any money, except on spaghetti and string. Steve had a argument with a lady so fierce that a pizza shop burned down, and Log introduces a Cockney-off that promises to completely gentrify Mile End. Cram your buds in your lugs and bang your knees together in unfettered glee!
277: Guardians Of The Eartha

Hey now, what's that sound - everybody look what's going down... It's this episode of Regular Features, "down"-loading onto your favourite devices! NOTE: While Regular Features is an audio file, the downloading process shouldn't be audible. If you can hear this episode downloading, your wi-fi might be in pain. Please check to see if you are living in a dystopian near-future in which the screaming souls of the dead are used to carry data. Anyway: Joe does a letter from a friend, Gav gets into hot ebay water, and Log brings in his very dear friend Eartha Kitt
Corporations

Phobos is home to the headquarters of most of the System's leading megacorporations, each of which has a Gaean Market Rank. Once small businesses on Earth, or major firms on distant planets, time and technology have provided major opportunities for growth, new forms of control and economic competition, both healthy and less so. Chief among Phobos' corporate overlords are:
70: Green Man Gaming and the Time Ducks

Gav takes us on a duck heart journey, Log lets a demented cat-lover called Marialuisa take us on a fantasy science trip, and Steve explains why he hates our first affiliate, and why under no circumstances you should take advantage of the crazy prices at http://greenmangaming.com/regularfeatures

6 Dec 2013

Log: Nottingham story of time and space

Steve: Ten things I hate about Green Man Gaming

Gav: Duck Hearts Story
116: The Jurassic ECG Taxi Tirade

Matt fails to understand the science behind medical technology and tries to replace it with half-baked whimsy, Steve and Gav have an argument about the Jurassic World trailer that sort of stems from nowhere and doesn't initially appear to be a proper feature, and Log pretends to be angry in the back of a taxi - ALL IN SEQUENCE FOR YOUR EAR-BASED PLEASURE.
316: Blind Fieri's Food Riddle

* CLANK CLANK CLANK\* That's the sound of the ol' Feature machine cranking into life. \*GONK GONK GONK\* Look! It's producing features at a rate of knots! \*FART\* It's Steve's food riddles! \*FART\* Log's gone deaf and thinks he's a superboy! \*FART\* Joe feels sorry for a chef! \*FRRRRRRK\* Oh Christ, another zero-hour contractor fell in the workings. \*GAAAAAAAAAA\* oh my gOD RUN YOU IDIOTS RUN
351: Dermot O'Gravy

There's just no getting away from it, we've done another episode of a podcast and we're not going to apologise. I'm sorry but that's just how it is. Wait, that's a Simpsons joke, I swear I thought of it independently.

In this one, Log gets tiny in a big boat of gravy, Steve reveals his beauty tips and cosmetics secrets, and Matt invites us right into the bod-zone.
325: Forgot a Crimble Tingle

Hello girls, it's us, the Regular Features people, and we've got another episode of the podcast what we done for you out of our mouth holes. Log has got a series of reasons why he's not done a feature, Matt finally snaps and goes mad racist, and Steve channels the ghost of crambles past.

Happy new year all of you. We genuinely love you.
379: Big Boy Uri's Burrito Frito

Sound the horns, see the signs, taste the mud, smell a hedge, touch a friend, because this burr-rand new episode of the Regular Features podcast is a sensory overload.

Log discovers a kindred soul with a love of big boys to match his own, Joe has unearthed Uri Geller's application to join the government, and Steve has invited an old food critic friend around to explain the latest culinary craze.
101: Back to the Future of Doctor Who

All rules are off in this bleak and lawless post-centenary comedown, as Log's audacious series of Doctor Who scripts skirts the closest we've yet come to repeating a feature. Meanwhile Gav plomps through a timehole to the 1950s, returning with a lovely story about how people are shit.

Also! Tombola time! We spin the prize tombola and give away an incredible sack of goodies to one of our beautiful patrons! Who could it be? Could it have been you? It almost certainly could have been!

You can support Regular Features on Patreon by visiting http://www.patreon.com/regularfeatures if you like! (YOU DO LIKE)
102: Room-Booming Tea Rule Nightmare

Matt arrives back from America with tales about how he played around with bombs and Obama, Gav wants to clarify social etiquette regarding cafes and cups of tea, and Steve is trapped in an unending nightmare that even the King's greatest wizards seem unable to prevent. Will our adventurers find the crystal and save Steve from the nightmare realm? Find out in Issue #2.
Aflevering 157

Nienke vertelt haar oma, die nog steeds in coma ligt, dat ze een vriendje heeft.

## Afleveringengids

### Volgende afl.

Aflevering 158

**S2E43. Aflevering 43 van seizoen 2, deel 1 van Het Huis Anubis.**

## Samenvatting

Fabian verzint tegen Trudie dat het prut dat ze weggooide schadelijk is voor het milieu. Trudie zegt dat hij zich geen zorgen hoeft te maken. Noa loopt boos weg als Jeroen blijft ontkennen dat hij de bloemen heeft neergelegd. Mick schept op over zijn sportprestaties, waarop Joyce zegt dat meiden misschien niet goed in sport zijn, maar wel leniger zijn dan jongens. Ze daagt Mick uit voor een potje Twister. Fabian is verbaasd als hij ziet dat de Club de piramide aan het bouwen is. Ze hebben het brouwsel overgegoten. Ze zijn druk bezig met het kleien van de stenen. Ondertussen spelen Mick en Joyce Twister: Joyce wint. Op zolder zegt Jeroen nogmaals dat hij niets van de bloemen weet. Noa gelooft hem en zegt dat het lijkt alsof het echt spookt. Fabian ontdekt dat er een bouwtekening voor een piramide in het dominostenendoosje zit. De Club gaat in de tuin aan de slag met de piramide. Nienke neemt afscheid, omdat ze naar haar oma gaat. Nienke wordt even afgeleid door een vreemde jongen die in de tuin staat. Op hetzelfde moment krijgt Jeroen vreemde chatberichten van een anoniem persoon. De persoon wil geen medaillon, maar papyrusrollen, waar Jeroen helemaal niets van weet. Hij zegt tegen de anonieme man dat hij ze zal vinden. De verpleegster in het ziekenhuis zegt dat oma Irene Nienke waarschijnlijk kan horen. Nienke vertelt haar over haar vriendje Fabian en over hoe ze steeds dichterbij het vinden van de schat komen. Op de achterkant van de foto van de geheime wand schrijft Fabian een speciale code voor Nienke. Hij legt die op Nienkes bed, niet wetende dat Victor achter de kastdeur staat... Victor lacht smakelijk als hij de foto's ziet.

## Personages

In deze aflevering zijn de volgende hoofdrollen te zien:

* Nienke Martens (Loek Beernink)
* Amber Rosenbergh (Iris Hesseling)
* Fabian Ruitenburg (Lucien van Geffen)
* Appie Tayibi (Achmed Akkabi)
* Jeroen Cornelissen (Sven de Wijn)
* Patricia Soeters (Vreneli van Helbergen)
* Mick Zeelenberg (Vincent Banic)
* Noa van Rijn (Gamze Tazim)
* Joyce van Bodegraven (Marieke Westenenk)
* Victor Emanuel Rodenmaar Jr. (Walter Crommelin)

In deze aflevering zijn de volgende bijrollen te zien:

* Trudie Tayibi (Magda Cnudde)
* Irene Martens (Roelie Westerbeek)
* Jimmy (Robert van Laar)

In deze aflevering zijn de volgende gast- en figurantenrollen te zien:

* Geen

## Locaties

Deze aflevering speelt zich af op de volgende locaties:

* Het Huis Anubis
383: The Sauce Whisperer

I've got a tummy full of lentils and I'm ready to burn down a house. But before that, here's another episode of Regular Features.

In this one, Log tries to clap eyes on a houseworth of elusive alpha boys, Steve tackles the insidious influence of Big Pharma, and Matt tests out Log's uncanny ability to commune with condiments. Wow!
380: Deathpool's Prank Oscars

"Get that Grizzly out of my sandwich stash, Mr Hargreaves - or I'll jam my Capri-Sun straw in his bunghole." This is just one of the things you'd have heard at our primary school, where one of the teachers was an unruly Bear. But after he let a starving child lick honey off his paw, everyone saw that perhaps he was a human being after all.

Here have some brand new features! Including the return of TWO characters from TWO YEARS AGO! Who, you ask? Good question! We weren't sure either
252: Dr. Caveman's Overture

Matt goes to France, gets sexy with cavemen, and eats pubes, I think. Gav enthralls canaries and writes totally original music. Log represents billions of men by hating this one woman.

Imagine seeing all of that shite, but in real life??? YOU CAN! BUY NOW! https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507
159: Wrongular Features with Sean Bell

This week Sean Bell comes back like a bad ghost to tell stories about when Matt Lees was almost a child. The RF Team put these stories under heavy scrutiny, and take all accusations deeply seriously. We apologise for any harm caused, and will look into the matter further.
Follow Sean on Twitter: https://twitter.com/CaptainToss
Check out his cool website about games: http://midnightresistance.co.uk/
387: The Lambshank Reduction

You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here after what you did last week, buster. But since you're here we might as well snuggle into your earholes, on account of how warm it in inside your head.

In this episode, Gav puts the doof in Dufresne, Steve gives proper hand washing instructions, and Joe attends heroically.
122: Trigger Trap a Corrie Napper

Why yes that IS the best title we've had in ages. In this episode of the podcast, Log asks: "are you napping too much?", Matt wonders: "have I triggered all of my sleeper agents of 2014?", while Steve queries: "what happens at the tops of stairs in Coronation Street?"

All of those questions are answered and more in this very hungry and sort of sad sounding episode.
390: Animal Crossing Tips & Tricks

Hello again, it's us, dem boys with dem fancy teeth who keep comin round to fill up your brain with our special noises. In this episode, Log has tips and tricks for pivoting to pizza delivery, Steve has tips and tricks for when it is appropriate to be in the outside, and Joe has tips and tricks for the new video game about the horrible animals.

Stay safe and wet those hands.
207: Live & Barely Legal/Audible

This was recorded live at the Canal Cafe Theatre where unfortunately technical issues meant the recording got ruined so the only one we've got is this shonky version.

This should serve as a reminder that our live shows are best experienced LIVE. Be a part of the next three by purchasing a ticket from here:
https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507
84: You've Got Mail

The Regular Features team, in what courts will agree is their most co-operative act yet, send a fake newsletter to Roger Helmer's legion of UKIP followers. We'll say it straight up now so as not to disappoint: it doesn't arrive in their inboxes in time to make this episode the thrilling spectacle we had anticipated it might be. Log attempts to mitigate the boredom by playing a scratchcard AS LIVE. Can he succeed in rescuing the episode from the drudgery of increasingly bleak Gmail refreshes? You'll have to listen to find out!

3 April 2014

Log a £10 scratch card

Steve sending the roger helmer newsletter

Matt

Gav
377: Festive Wanderings

We're in between Christmas and New Year's, in that curious period of time that lately has come to be known as St. Goochmas Week. Gav is walking Coco and talking loco, Steve is plane, train and automobiling himself entirely inside a National Express coach, and Joe reintroduces us to a very special Secret Santana. Happy Christmas, readers.
340: Daddy's Affirmation Quiz

Plasticene! What's that about? Doesn't taste of anything, but once you've eaten the white strip you have to eat all the other colours because it stands to reason they'd taste of SOMETHING. Life got in the way this week, and we couldn't meet up: but you're not getting away without an epside: Gav, Joe and Log have recorded solo features for your sequential enjoyment. Log gets over his self-deprecating instincts, Gav quizzes the living heck out of himself, and Joe apologises to a reader after our very special guest, Daddy Champion invites us into his steamy dreamy world of Daddy.
93: Sitges Bitches

Team Features is on ACTUAL holiday, broadcasting AS LIVE from sunny Sitges, where Matt is being omni-molested in both the eyeballs (with an unbidden sighting of a rough anus on waking) and then right on the male penuz what he's got. That's why you can hear birds in this episode, because apparently Spanish birds love nothing less than honking, hooting and tweeting into our microphones while we're tryiiinngg to do a podcaaaast you guuuuuys.

5th June 2014

Log

Steve

Matt plane micro feature

Gav lies Gav has been telling to girls in clubs

Joe
161: Bee Cum a Dick Turd

Honking Mary, it's another episode of the Regular Features podcast. Marvel at Matt, slide into a Steve-scented stupor, lose yourself in Log. It's features features features baby, and what we've got you gotta get and put it in you.

This episode finally reveals what Regular Features stands for, what would happen if Cilla Black orchestrated extra-judicial killings, and that Log's good at writing about wanks. Enjoy.
114: The Fast And The Failurious

What do Log and Steve both have in common with the friendly and hard-working bee? Well, just like the bee, both Steve and Log cannot drive a car to any sort of standard that the law would term "basically competent". Also like a bee, Steve and Log can only sting you once before dying. :(

In this motoring special, Steve recounts the story of how he failed his first driving test, while Log presents a revealing exposé of the special class for murderous speed freaks he was required to attend in order to avoid having points on his licence.

Matt, having sadly not received the memo, does a feature about bees.