This Sexual Wizard

## Episode Order

### Next

The Chong is Normal (4.13)

 Description

The City of Brass. The Feywild. Primus. Carcosa. The Deadlands and the Bluffs of Chance. The Blessed Fields and the Nine Circles. The House Eternal. Nine known worlds locked in celestial ballet within the Cradle, each seeming to know more about the Dragon Friends and their missing memories than the one before. If the Dragon Friends could regain these memories, they might have a chance to defend themselves against the crimes they’re accused of – though Freezo is absolutely going to have to learn to shut up first. Featuring special guest (and Good Boy) Tom Walker!

## Synopsis

After Freezo's unwise outburst, Hurken announces that the court should proceed directly to judgment, and the Planeswalker Council vote for the Friends to be executed for their crimes. Titania declines to vote, and then announces that she is exercise her right to call for clemency and commute the sentence from execution to life imprisonment in the House Eternal, the store of knowledge used by The Archivist.

The Archivist transports the Friends to the House Eternal, a colossal library; he unshackles them and returns their items, saying that there is no need to keep them restrained, as the plane itself is recursive and there is no way to exit - even if they were to kill him. As they look around, they encounter a prior prisoner called Ajax, who tells them he was imprisoned for heresy as a follower of Perix, a former member of the Council who was banished into Wild Space for having invented the Lance, the item the Dragon Friends had allegedly stolen. Hearing that he is opposed to the Council, Philge and Freezo brags about having killed Hyperion Max, which results in Ajax attempting to shiv Freezo until The Archivist intervenes; Ajax explains that Hyperion Max was the one member of the Nine who they respected, and that Ajax had heard he was working with the Dragon Friends, by name. Ajax explains that nobody knows what the Dragon Friends look like, but that the last he had heard, the high elf member of the Friends had left the group and set up a citadel of some kind in the Deadlands. None of this triggers any memories in Freezo or anyone else.

Ajax and the Friends are attacked by a number of Book Blights who live in the library. Philge defeats them with her Flail of Fire in a furious frenzy, but one of them seriously wounds Freezo. Philge asks if there is any doctor imprisoned in the House Eternal and they are taken to Dr. Dave Harmon who is able to stabilize Freezo - in exchange for all his equipment. Philge then asks Ajax if any other followers of Perix might be trying to help him, and he explains that they were the titans and were all banished, and Philge claims that they have visited them after being fired out of a cannon by a goblin (which refers to The Big Boys of Junkerton, although they did not meet any titans). Ajax also tells them that Perix had a magical helm which allowed him to travel between worlds (which was taken by Ostin Powerful), and Philge confides that they have The Lance Of Perrix. Ajax is pleased to hear this but then points out that in spite of all this, they are still trapped in the House Eternal from which only one person has ever escaped, several months ago, and no-one knows how they did so. The man who escaped wore a mask, and the Archivist erased Ajax's memory of his unmasked face, but Ajax did carve the man's name into his flesh to prevent him forgetting; he rolls back the sleeve of his armor to reveal, written on it, "FREEZO".

## People

### Dragon Friends

* Philge
* Freezo

### Non-Player Characters (NPCs)

* Janos Steyer
* The Archivist
* Hurken
* Ajax
* Dr. Dave Harmon

## Places

* Primus
* The House Eternal

## Themes, tropes and running jokes

* I make an Arcana check
* In the opening scene in the courtroom, the backing music and some of the sound callouts resemble those from the *Phoenix Wright* series of courtroom-based games.
* Tom Walker was left to make The Archivist's character sheet on his own devices.. and promptly picked a number of spells from the controversial *Pathfinder* supplement *The Book Of Erotic Fantasy*.

## Quotes

* "Are we in like, a sex dungeon?" "You *weren't*, but..."
* "And what is [the magic book]?" "Oh, it's a book of *all* the fuckin' magic. It's top notch." "A book of all the magic.." "No, no, no, no.. I think you'll find that this is in keeping with.. all the **fucking** magic."
* "You're a technomancer?" "Smooch machines and what-not?" "Hang on. Are you asking me if I smooch machines, or if I make smooch machines?" "... Hang on. Do you think a 'mancer' means 'kisser'?" "No, like a romancer." "What do you think a necromancer is?" "Someone who smooches ghosts." "You're a necromancer when after you're done kissing the mouth you move down slightly lower." "..... That was such a wholesome joke. I expected that to be so filthy that I had to put it through like six filters to work out that it was a delightful pun."
* "Are any of these books all about memory?" "Yea, there's.. the screenplay of *Memento.*" "Wait. In what existence does this person know about the niche art film *Memento* but doesn't know about The Beatles!?" "I'm a bloody nineties kid!"
* "But how can the Dragon Friends find a memory in a maze with no end? What of this Archivist's Study and how can one find an entrance amidst no exist, and even if one can, how can one escape from a prison that cannot be escaped and I've fallen into a loop.."

## Table Talk

* "Can you give us just a sneak preview of one or two of the spells you've got there?" "Sure, ok, well, I'll start you off low. My first level spell is *Block The Seed*." "Sorry.. is.. what?" "I think ducks can do that." "So.. I can cast this on myself; I am incapable of getting someone pregnant or becoming impregnated for the duration of this spell. I am still vulnerable to sexually transmitted diseases unless protective measures are taken." "... Can you name two other spells?" "Sure. I've got a third level spell *Cursed Orgasm."* "What kind of prison is this!?"It turns out it's really easy to download.." "*Book of Erotic Fantasy* dot PDF. Thank you *very* much."
* "I've got *Liar's Curse.* I can choose whether to focus this on the target's penis or nose. OR NOSE!" "Each time the target lies the chosen body part grows longer." "Does that mean that the fairy and/or witch at the beginning of Pinocchio hesitated for a second and went '... no, nose.'"