"Epilogue" Wasn't That Bad, But Not Great Either.

Everybody likes Marco, but I love Marco. I love his pure awkwardness and surprisingly infectious charm. I love the *James Bond*-esque cartoony movies in which Marco -- the most brilliant and talented genius mastermind of espionage -- tracks down elusive teen criminals his age, while yet trying to be the perfect kid everyone likes at home. With a mass total of six films under its winning belt, it's no wonder that *Marco 5: Epilogue* is actually the last film within the beloved series. Having been led astray thanks to a lackluster marketing scheme, along with experienced COVID-19 delays and several production issues, *Marco 5: Epilogue* ended up in distribution hell and went straight to streaming platforms such as Anaya+ and Amazon Prime Video. Sure, despite these problems, the film currently holds a middling 62% score on the Tomatometer, but I guess this isn't the proper time to say one last goodbye to Marco and his friends. For a franchise that has dethroned *Toy Story* in audience approval quality and *Despicable Me* in box office quantity, *Marco 5: Epilogue* might be as disappointing as rumors about a sixth movie that would never come into existence.

I'm saying this because... this *Marco* film is mediocre at best. Perhaps not the worst entry in the *Marco* saga, but maybe the most unexpected, and thus unnecessary, one in the whole franchise. The morbidly interesting premise of "what if Marco's almost perfect world gets turned upside down thanks to some good-turned-evil algorithm clone he made?" contrasts deeply with Marco's idea of being Marcoman and its easy, stereotypical jokes. Before we get to Marco's dystopian future setting, Adam Sandler replaces Hugh Jackman as Marco when he uses a flashlight as his microphone, *literally,* and does his usual shrugging with a smile, foreshadowing his impending doom and how the audience would react to it. Cue five minutes later, he slowly dances with Aileene to the tune of "Just The Two Of Us" at the nearby boulevard while *Singing In The Rain* (an indication of overused pop culture references by this point, but oh dear, what a lovely scene). The film's romantic opening scene is not exactly like the rest of this movie. "Why would I like someone whom I share sad memories with?" Aileene says as she departs from Marco immediately after he reminds her of their troubled past. Poor Marco gets happy again when his family takes him to the Astros game, which was eh... okay, and other fun places such as Schlitterbahn New Braunfels and Bom Bin's grand circus festival. They even hop onto some kiddie train through Hermann Park, revisiting the prestigious science museum from the second movie. Sadly, that's not enough for Marco to cope with Aileene. That's why Marco *makes* a new friend of his own -- an AI hologram generically named AI -- who suddenly goes *Terminator* mode once he learns about his creator's future plans. To sum things up, Marco rejects him all because... he's not exactly a human being.

### *Marco 5: Epilogue* feels more like something out of *Star Trek* than your typical *Marco* movie.

After a nice spring break trip to Galveston (that is, Marco's birthplace of course), the former teen superspy and his friends encounter a giant thundercloud that appears out of the nowhere. Getting his revenge on Marco, AI even goes as far as kidnapping his friends and family into space cubes! Which leaves us only Marco and his siblings, Melissa (Selena Gomez, who gives the best performance to this once hyper-exuberant girl), Joaquin & Emiliano of course, the mischievous Juan Angel, and oh help cousin Miguel Angel. The last teens on Earth suddenly get help from the Silver Springs crew and design a rocket to reach AI-5000, home of "The AI-5000 Games" and what I call the most macabre experiment ever done since the creation of Frankenstein: when AI injects some type of small microchip on Owen's right arm. Oh, that's shocking. Even more shocking is the fact that our loyal Christian crew of survivors get locked up within AI's ultramodern lair, while a group of Stormtroopers known as MAX robots plunge Marco to a huge plethora of garbage he calls "The Bottomless Pit" for some reason. Think of it like the 2007 underrated gem *Robotman,* but without any Trashbots nearby. Instead, Marco uses an old GPS to arrive home and realizes he's been turned to a weird type of Dracula. The only solution to his vampire form besides the lotion Marco uses for eczema? Secret vanishing cream that makes him invisible.

While Pepe and the crew go in search of a crystal ball in Uganda that could defeat AI, a la *Raiders Of The Lost Ark,* Marco meets yet another pretty girl named Tali at the local Starbucks. She is a Mikayla girl, proudly Texan and voiced by Chloe Grace Moretz, who converts her special lonely guest into Marcoman. Of course Marco likes her a lot -- as much as he loves her signature caramel frappe, cue to "Tennessee Whiskey" playing mid air -- and the two attempt to make the most out of their dystopia with a complete tour around Silver Springs. Awwww... how cute, but then Marco gets called back to action as he grabs Tali by his hand, hoping that one day their world would change back to normal. Not long after, they survive a harsh tech uprising and encounter Marco's lost friends again. What emerges next is a flashy *Star Trek* adventure which involves telekinesis, recycled PB&J-and-other-food-related weapons, a never-seen-before DNA extractor, and a sly game of hopscotch against corporate tech forces as Marco lands on a dungeon afterwards. There he sees Aileene again, and Marco chooses to be only friends with her. Now, for the sake of my fellow readers, I won't spoil the very end of this movie (believe me, it's so bittersweet for Marco and his buds that you might be willing to grab five Kleenex tissues, or six, or perhaps... *seven* of those?)

### It's also very much of *The Hunger Games-*meets-*Looney Tunes* in the most crazy, if bizarre, kind of way.

While the film is aware of how Marco disguised himself as the Columbia Pictures lady (besides, this is the first time I see the logo in black and white, which gives it a very fascinating look), his frappe obsession for years, and the pure essence of black roses for the typical Goth romantic, *Marco 5: Epilogue* tries to twist the franchise into something totally different from espionage; and that's okay, despite the execution being in the similar vein of another Anaya Animation film last year (can you guess which one?) but with elements of dystopian science fiction. However, that's not really saying much as the film steals the *Tex Avery* cartoon physique of the *Hotel Cloudylandia* movies and grinds all that to some blender (well, blunder at the very least), in spite of the bright animation and new characters. Wanna hear another case of copyright? Marco gets flanderized here as the Great Magician's overlooked son, seeking for more questions than answers such as "Why is Marco fully dumbed down here as the guy who provokes the world's problems? Why was he stupid enough to program AI as a gadget of torture? Why does Miguel Angel gobble up sand in the middle of the Sahara?". Okay, the last question seems out of context, but now you're getting a taste of how awful some of these jokes are: Marco getting kicked out of the ladies room. Really? Mr. Mime yelling for ten seconds when he unabashedly sees a naked Fred who's been reading *The New York Times* at a portable toilet. Seriously? And if that's not enough to satisfy viewers, there's even one part when Marco and his friends make weird expressions and tease each other about body shaming for exactly *two* minutes, going far worse than what a modern *SpongeBob* episode or *Rick & Morty* could do. And guess what? More dated pop culture gags, aside from an obvious *Hunger Games* reference (oh, that's *new...* ahem, The AI-5000 Games, anyone?). Perhaps the only redeeming joke, aside from Tali's constant begging for an "espionage victim license" from a grown-up Little James Bond, would be Peter saying "Gee, it's like Resurrection Sunday, but only on a Friday" once Marco knows they're getting hit by a couple of asteroids on Earth.

### However, *Marco 5: Epilogue* has many unexpected surprises of its own. It deserved better.

Bad jokes and puns aside, I also think *Marco 5: Epilogue* seems like a good movie. It's mostly like *Ready Player One* done in the same unique, photorealistic CG animation style of any *Marco* movie. In fact, the planet AI-5000 is really within a virtual reality exosphere, surrounded by several other planets beyond what Tom Hanks claims as "the observable universe" at the beginning of the film. We never knew some of the more obscure characters in this particular universe would appear one more time -- who knew Bradley and a fully renewed Pohlino (who made a cameo appearance earlier during *The Rise Of Marco*) would eventually own a donut shop? Yet the film becomes self-aware of this comeback and uses a solid message about tech dependency and the consequences of indifference along with it. The sweet relationship between Marco and his pretty new girl matches significantly with its poignant tone, albeit being a copy of a similar love story in the fourth film (sorry, Aileene), and it's rather cute to see them together. No other person does Marco better than Adam Sandler, as he brings the lovable titular antihero his wacky Slavic accent. AI's not your typical killer machine; Marco and AI share the same DNA from yet another accident the mad former spy has made. His right arm henchman Madcap, who actually has some sort of pinkball weapon on his right arm, plays it cool as another Sir Clay Moriarty bent on lip-syncing opera and taking AI's lavish crown. Some moments in the film are worth some chuckles, like when AI gets angry after Madcap gives him the wrong cup of coffee. Not to mention, the opening scene was great with "24K Magic" in the air during the Astros game. The story might be dispersed across the galaxy, but the film collects all those scattered marbles within the story for one amazing climax. "Someday, we'll go to Paris, and we'll always have one inside us" Marco bonds with Tali at a nearby fountain in Silver Springs. At this point, I'm starting to wonder what would be next of Marco and his gang. I would like to see them as young adults, and have another film in the series expanding this lovely teen couple. Guess that last, *last* movie would never happen. Who could possibly think of a better ending than Marco going back to the place where he was born? In a hotel, of course.