Cold Ramen: S01E07

Godman is the seventh episode of Cold Ramen. It takes place during The Modern Times. The episode is about Godman, the self-proclaimed defender of Sheawood City, fighting crime. It takes place in the fifth year of The Modern Times.

Godman defends Sheawood City from the forces of evil.

### Previous Episode

 Death Battle: Question Box vs. Bill Cosby

## The Episode

In a world full of superheroes, it's important to know who...or what is on your side at all times. Even with the abundance of people willing to use their powers for good overtaking those who use them for evil, the United States Government wanted something created in case things when to hell. Ironically, the creation meant to keep heroes and villains in check became the origin of the greatest hero of them all...GODMAN.

But every hero needs an origin story. Barnell Hawkings was a hot-headed nuclear scientist working for the military on a defense project with his brother, Doug. The goal? To create a superpowered peacekeeper that would defend the Earth and know who its masters were. But things went awry and the Hawking brothers were caught in the explosion of their lab when their creation melted down! Barnell and Doug survived the explosion, greatly changed.

The brothers received powers unlike any other! Doug gained control over the forces of time. Barnell on the other hand, was granted hundreds upon hundreds of powers, with one catch: every single one of them was useless (Not that he knew, anyway). While Doug had no desire to use his powers and was content with the quiet life of a scientist, Barnell decided that the universe needed a unique brand of justice. Donning a rainbow cape and cowl, the greatest hero of all time, Godman, was born!

Our hero lounged in his underground superhero lair, writing in a journal labeled 'The Godman Testimonials'.

"The legendary Godman...no. How about...the all-powerful Godman? Wait, I got it! The legendary all-powerful Godman. Perfect!"

The monologue of our modest hero was interrupted by the door at the top of the stairs opening. A lobster crept down the stairs and crawled to Godman's feet. It poked his foot and he nearly jumped out of his chair. "HOLY CRAP! Don't scare me like that! I need to put a bell on you, damn!"

The lobster's name was Lobstrosity, and his origin story was...quite interesting. A normal lobster was minding his business when he was bit...by a radioactive human. And thus, Lobstrosity was born. He developed lungs, which meant he couldn't breathe underwater anymore. Plus, his strong pincers were transformed into fleshy human arms. At least he didn't taste like lobster anymore. No one wanted to cook him into a bisque or serve him with butter. One day, he met Godman and the two became fast friends, deciding to fight crime as a duo!

"What, you hungry or something? You know that today's my writing day!" He picked up Lobstrosity. "I'm thinking that after I become world-famous for saving Earth, I can sell my memoir and get rich!"

Lobstrosity stared at him, not saying a word. Lobsters don't have vocal cords, after all. Unfortunately, getting bit by a human didn't give him those.

"...Oh yeah, you can't talk," Godman remembered. He set Lobstrosity on the table. On the table, a metallic object crackled to life. "Calling all cars, calling all cars."

Godman adjusted the volume. "Looks like our new hero communicator is working! I found it in the bargain bin...of DOOM! Had to beat up a whole lotta demons to get it."

Lobstrosity began speaking in sign language.

"So what if it's just a police scanner I found at a thrift shop? We'll work our way up!" Godman became silent to listen in.

"All power in Sheawood's District 2 is out, repeat, all power is out. Get all civilians off the street, pronto."

Godman slammed the table and got up. "Hear that, Lobstrosity? Looks like we're going on our first stakeout!"

More sign language. "No, we shouldn't leave this to the police. Quit being such a baby and suit up! I'll meet you at the Godmobile!" Godman ran up the steps that lead to his kitchen.

Godman and Lobstrosity drove through the mostly empty streets of Sheawood in the Godmobile, an old Honda Civic. It wasn't much, but it had served him well even before he was Godman. Godman stopped the Godmobile in front of a particular high-rise apartment and got out. The lights were on at the top floor. "Damn, look at this place! Now this is what I call prime hideout material. When I'm rich from saving the universe and stuff, we're living here."

Sign language from Lobstrosity.

"...No, it's not odd that this is the only building we've seen that still has power." Godman hesitated. "Alright, fine, it's suspicious. And as superheroes, it's our job to look into anything suspicious! Now, what power can I use to get up there...AHA! I know, flight!"

Godman closed his eyes, bent his knees, and jumped up. He was off the ground and flying...a foot off the ground.

"Dammit, looks like I can only fly as far as I can jump," Godman noted. "Another stupid one?!" He landed back on the ground.

Lobstrosity yanked his pants and spoke to him.

"Superheroes don't take the stairs, Lob. We get super cool entrances. Now brace yourself, 'cause I just got another idea! Rocket propulsion!" Godman squatted and concentrated. Smoke formed under his feet and the air was filled with the sounds of a rocket.

"It's working! IT'S WORKING!" He cried out joyfully. His joy quickly turned into pain, as his shoes burst into flames. "OH MY GODMAN IM ON FIRE LOBSTROSITY HELP!!" Godman screamed, rolling around on the ground. Soon, the fire went out. He got up, the lower part of his pants now charred black.

"I'm not even color-coordinated anymore!" He stamped on the ground. After picking up Lobstrosity, he entered the building. "Fine, we'll take the stairs."

Finally, they stood in front of the door to the top floor apartment. Godman knocked on the door.

"Someone's at the door!" A man's voice hissed.

"Go answer it! I'll deal with the other stuff!" Another hissed back.

The door opened, revealing a blonde-haired man with messy hair and a bushy mustache. He wore a grey coat and a calm expression.

"Hey, uh, how can I help you?" The man greeted the duo. "The pride parade in town?"

"What? No, the pride parade isn't in town! The name's Godman, my partner here is Lobstrosity. You might've heard of us."

The man eyed them up and down. "Never heard of ya. What're ya, some kind of generic brand Batman and Robin?"

"Guess again, buddy boy! We're heroes out on a stakeout! There's a district wide blackout and we happened to notice that your apartment was the only one with power."

Another man emerged next to the first one. He had bright orange hair and blue goggles along with a white labcoat. He was very relaxed. "Hey, Clyde, I got rid of the stuff. Who's this guy and why do I smell barbecue?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out, Harvey."

Godman couldn't take it anymore. "Are you DUMB? Are you DENSE? Do you know who I am? I'm the goddamn Godman."

Harvey was busy looking at Lobstrosity, who was speaking in sign language. "Really digging your gangsta shrimp, man."

"He's not a shrimp, he's a lobster. And he's not a gangsta, he's my partner! We're heroes and need to search your apartment!"

"Hey, man, there's nothing illegal going on here!" Clyde explained. "We have a generator in our apartment. That's why we still have power."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, really, man!" Harvey added. "What, are you also electrician man? Knower of all things electrical?"

"Nope. I'm Godman, knower of EVERYTHING! And it's time I know the truth about your apartment! I'm getting in there whether you like it or not!"

"Step one foot in here and I'm calling the cops."

"I *AM* THE LAW! INVISIBILITY, ACTIVATE!" Godman yelled at the top of his lungs. Suddenly, he vanished from everyone's view.

"Aw geez, where did he go?" Harvey asked, looking around.

Everyone could hear something falling down, followed by a curse. "AW CRAP!" Another tumbling sound. "DAMMIT!"

"For a guy named Godman, you're not acting very...godly," Harvey observed.

Clyde put a finger up. "I think he went invisible, a power that's since been deduced as useless. I'd know, I'm a scientist!"

Lobstrosity tugged Harvey's pants and spoke in sign language.

"That's right. If you're unable to absorb light, then technically you'd be blind, since your eyes need to absorb light to see."

Godman stumbled again and de-cloaked, now sprawled on the ground. "You may have won this round..."

"We were playing something?" Clyde asked.

"I'll be back! And when I'm back, I'll figure out what you're doing! I know you're doing something!" Godman stomped off. "C'mon, Lobstosity."

Lobstrosity bid farewell to Harvey and crawled after Godman.

"What happened to innocent until proven guilty?" Clyde said as Godman departed. "Weird guy, don't you think, Harvey?" He closed the door. The apartment was moderately big, with the living room behind the door and to the right of it, the kitchen. What Godman and Lobstrosity didn't see was the lab table filled with beakers in the living room.

"For sure. I thought we were about to get exposed!"

"Good thing we weren't. Now bring it back out, we got work to do." Clyde rubbed his hands. Harvey ran into a room and came back carrying a glass container. The container was filled with water. Floating in the water was...a fetus.

They laughed and shook hands at their work. "It...it's beautiful. Why don't we just raise it like our own child!" Harvey said.

"Like hell you will, it's a damn fetus!" Clyde reminded him. "Now, before we advance the growth rate, we need to deal with the...DNA problem."

Harvey nodded knowingly. "Ah, yes, the DNA problem...what's that one again?"

Clyde sighed. "Didn't you take notes during our meeting?"

"I was enjoying pizza! Cut me some slack!"

"It's okay." He paused. "Damn, now *I* want pizza. Anyway, the fetus is comprised of 30% rat DNA, 30% shark DNA, and 30% cockroach DNA. Unfortunately, we're still missing some DNA. We need to find something to give that last 10%."

Harvey pondered this for a moment. "How about you?"

Clyde raised an eyebrow. "Me? Last time I did it, I had to burn my fingerprints and lay low in Mexico for three months! No way!"

"Fine, crybaby. We'll use mine," Harvey agreed. He went back into the room and came back with a syringe. "Can you get the blood for me?" He asked nervously.

Clyde rolled his eyes and extracted the blood from Harvey, then opened the glass container's roof and injected it into the fetus. "Now let's bring it to the roof and accelerate this bad boy!"

"Yeah!" The two scientists picked up the glass container and walked out to the roof, where a ton of wires awaited them. One by one, they plugged the wires into harnesses on the glass container. "It was really nice of the district to let us steal all their power for tonight!" Harvey said.

"Harvey, please. It's called 'borrowing without permission'!" Clyde said. The two laughed. With all the preparations done, the duo stood next to the switch that would begin the process.

Clyde hesitated. "Hey, uh, Harvey?"

"Yeah, Clyde?"

"Before we injected that fetus that was really hard to form with your DNA, don't you think we should've...y'know...had you do a physical and mental evaluation to see if the clone could inherit any negative traits of yours?"

It was Harvey's turn to hesitate now. "Nah. We're mad scientists!"

"Oh yeah!" Together, they flipped the switch and electricity pulsed into the fetus chamber. As it did, they manically laughed. "AHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAAHAHA!!!"

Slowly the fetus began to grow. "MUWAHAHAHAHAA!"

"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!" Very slowly, it continued to grow.

The two cackled with glee for another twenty seconds before taking a break and coughing. "So, uh, how long is this gonna take?" Harvey asked after catching his breath.

Clyde recomposed himself and checked his watch. "I dunno, another...30 minutes or so?"

"Oh..." Harvey looked up at the night sky and around himself. "Pizza?"

"Hell yeah." Clyde took out his phone and dialed a number. "Hello, Vinny's? Yeah, can I get a large half pepperoni half..." He looked at Harvey.

"Anchovies!" Harvey said.

"Half pepperoni and half anchovies, please? Sweet, thanks!" He hung up. "Alright, let's head inside, it's getting chilly out here."

"Word." The scientists departed from the roof as the fetus continued to grow and metamorphize.

The next day, Doug Hawkins was in the lab, examining a rock that glowed yellow. He carefully carved a small piece off of it and placed it under a microscope. A knock at the door.

“It’s open,” He said without looking up.

The door swung open and a white-haired man walked in. “Doug, just the guy I wanted to see!” Although his hair was white, his face was young. He wore a labcoat and a pair of glasses.

“Afternoon, Barnell,” Doug greeted. “Glad you could join us.”

“Cut me some slack, brother! It's only.." He checked his watch. "11:27. I was out late yesterday!"

"Don't tell me you were out galivanting about in that ridiculous persona of yours."

"It ain't a persona, Doug. It's a way of life."

Doug massaged his forehead. "There you go again, thinking that the changes our bodies underwent in the lab are something more. They're nothing but genetic mishaps, Barnell. Why can't you just leave it at that?"

"Because it's more than that! I realized that I could use these powers for good, but all you want to do is hide them!"

Doug gave him an icy stare. "Has it ever dawned upon you *what* exactly would happen if the government found out what happened during the experiment? First, they would shut down this entire project and detain us. Next, they would have us moved to another lab and *we* would be the ones experimented on. All this so they can create their own obedient army of enhanced humans."

The brothers stared at each other, neither relenting. Finally, Doug backed down and sat at his table. "These powers, I know you want to experiment with them, but they're not toys to be played with. Feel me?"

"Yeah, whatever." Barnell replied. "Lemme get settled in, I'll be back." He walked out the door. As soon as he left, Doug let out a long exhale and got back to work, analyzing the yellow rock.

Later that day, Godman and Lobstrosity were cruising around Sheawood City, looking for any signs of danger. Godman was uncharacteristically moody, mumbling as Lobstrosity watched.

"Man, who does he think he is? He may be my older brother, but I'm not a kid anymore! I'll show him. Once Godman gets some respect around here, maybe he'll be more inclined to join our team, huh?"

Lobstrosity began making hand signs and Godman watched, but he quickly turned his eyes back to the road and swerved out of the path of a honking car. "I keep on doing that!"

The duo stopped at an intersection. Up ahead was a fast-food joint. Godman's stomach rumbled. "Damn, I'm hungry. Who's up for some nuggets? Love those."

Lobstrosity signed.

"...Yeah, yeah, I should've eaten before we patrolled. Look, nothing's come up yet and it'll take less than a minute, alright?"

Once the light turned green, Godman drove into the parking lot and got out. He looked to his partner. "Watch the car, alright?"

Right before he could enter the building, a stampede of fleeing patrons filled the door. "OH MY GOD SOMEONE HELP US!!!" They swarmed out of the restaurant and Godman just avoided being trampled.

"What the hell happened? I thought they got rid of the mystery meat burger!"

"There's...there's something in there!! It came out of nowhere and started breaking things!" Someone yelled out as they ran.

Godman grinned. Finally, some real danger to fight against! "Alright, where is it?"

Suddenly, a brown and grey blur cannonballed out of one of the restaurant's windows. Godman turned towards the creature as it got up. It had the head of a human with a mop of grey, dirty hair, with a slender brown midsection and 2 large brown bumps on its back. Its lower body was covered in grey fur. The creature had no shoes on its feet, exposing slender pink feet that looked like they belong on a rat. Finally, a pink tail swung idly behind it. The creature looked tall, taller than Godman, but it was hunched over and bent down. When it made eye contact with Godman, it opened its mouth, revealing rows of white and razor-sharp teeth. It hissed and looked around its surroundings frantically.

Godman got into a dynamic stance. "No need to fear citizens, Godman is here!" He announced, but no one seemed to notice as they were running for their lives. He cracked his knuckles. "I don't know what hellhole you crawled out of, but I'm sending you back!"

The creature raised its nose in the air and sniffed. It quickly scurried in Godman's direction and passed the hero. Godman turned around and saw the creature tip over a silver garbage can, scavenging through the refuse.

"Hey! Just what do you think you're doing?!" Godman exclaimed, walking after the creature and standing behind it. "I don't think I need to tell you how illegal what you're doing is. You just destroyed private property, and now you're rifling through people's garbage. If you don't cut that out, there will be some serious--" As the creature feasted on the garbage, its tail swung idly and happened to slap Godman across the face. He stumbled back. "You...you just assaulted an officer of the law! Are you DUMB?" The creature's tail swished again and slapped him once more. "Are you DENSE?! Do you know who I am? I'm the goddamn Godm--" The tail swung again, but this time he grabbed it mid air and yanked hard. The creature was pulled away from its meal, and it wasn't too happy about it. Turning around, it hissed at Godman, louder this time. As it did, it lifted its tail up and Godman found himself dangling, his feet no longer touching the ground. With a flick of its tail, the creature flung Godman a good distance away, The hero landing on the hood of his car. Lobstrosity, reading a book, looked up to see his partner on the car. He knocked on the window and signed.

"Nah, I got this in the bag. It's just an oversized pest in need of a beating." Godman said, punctuating the end of his sentence by pounding his fist into his palm. He rolled off the hood and got up, holding his palm out at the creature. "Oh, you're in for it now!" He said confidently. A handgun suddenly materialized in his hand and he aimed it at the creature. "You're under arrest, bub!"

The creature turned around and the brown bumps on its back lifted up, revealing a set of silver insect-like wings. They began to beat rapidly and the creature began to fly away, albeit close to the ground.

"You gotta be kidding me!" Godman said in frustration. He got into the Godmobile and started it up, pursuing the creature. The creature flew onto a straight road and Godman opened the window, aiming his gun at it. "Wait, you forgot your dessert! Here!" He squeezed the trigger and a bullet shot out, but flew backwards and landed behind him in the street. He hit the gun with the palm of his hand. "Stupid thing, fire!" He rapidly fired the gun and bullets came raining out, still blowing back in the wind and falling into the street. Godman entered the car again and shook the gun. Aiming at the window, he fired, and the bullet went forward this time, but almost immediately lost speed and fell on the floor. "A gun...that fires slow bullets?!" He made a turn to continue chasing the creature. Civilians on the sidewalks watched in awe as a monstrous creature was being chased by a man in a rainbow costume.

"We need more speed!" Godman stomped on the gas and the car began to rapidly increase in speed. Thankfully, there was no one else on the road to dodge. The creature turned around and noticed the car getting dangerously close to it. In response, it slowed down, turned around, and landed right on the hood of the Godmobile. Godman began to panic and swerve.

"Ah crap, I can't see!" He yelled. The creature opened its mouth, sinking its teeth into the roof of the car. "NOOO! THE GODMOBILE!" Without warning, he slammed on the brakes. The creature was launched off the car and sent rolling on the road. As soon as he recovered from the sudden stop, Godman rushed out of the car and towards the creature, lunging at it. At the last second, the creature recovered and leapt off the ground and into the air, flying up and away higher and higher. Godman landed on the ground and smacked it with his palm. "GOD DAMMIT!"

The passenger side door opened up and a dazed Lobstrosity crawled out and over to Godman, shaking him furiously.

"It...it got away! We were so close! Think, Godman, think! What power can I use to catch that thing?" He paced in a circle, racking his brain. Finally, he thought of something. "I've got it! I'll transform myself into a bird and fly after it!" He closed his eyes and bent his knees. Slowly but surely, he began to shrink and become more slender, his human form transforming into that of a pigeon. Fully transformed, he stared at Lobstrosity, cooed, then flew away.

Meanwhile, at the high rise apartment, Harvey was on the couch, fast asleep. An open box of pizza was on the ground with one slice with anchovies remaining. In another room, Clyde could be heard rummaging through things.

"Alright, here it is," He announced, exiting the storage room. "The mind control collar. All we gotta do now is collect our clone and put this on." He walked upstairs to the balcony, collar in hand. What came next was a uncharacteristically high pitched scream.

"Harvey!" He yelled, running down the stairs to where Harvey was sleeping and shaking him. His partner in crime woke up with a start.

"Huh? What's going on, Clyde?" Harvey asked groggily.

"Did you happen to climb up to the balcony when our creation was fully grown, break the glass container open, and set them free?"

"Nope." A more alarmed expression appeared on his face. "What, did something happen?"

Clyde gestured for him to follow and the two walked up to the balcony, where what remained of the glass container stood. There was a large hole smashed into it and it laid sideways on the ground.

"That thing took WEEKS to develop!" Clyde said angrily.

"It's okay, Clyde, calm down," Harvey said, patting Clyde's shoulder. "We're gonna take care of this, okay? We'll clean this mess up, then we'll start putting up some lost pet signs."

"Harvey, this isn't a pet dog we lost, or a pet cat! This is a genetically modified organism we created, and we broke like 7 different cloning laws plus the law of nature making it! Do you know what they do to genetically modified organism creators in prison?!"

As they stood on the balcony, a grey and brown abomination flew past them. Harvey pointed at it and Clyde turned around and saw it as well. The mad scientists looked at each other.

Clyde sighed. "Mexico?"

"I'll start packing," Harvey agreed. A pigeon landed on the balcony guard rail and stared at them.

"Look at that bird. Lucky bastard, probably doesn't have to worry about anything except what it has to eat." Clyde said, narrowing his eyes. "God, I wish I were a bird right now."

"Alright, Clyde, let's get inside," Harvey said, entering the apartment. Clyde followed behind him. The pigeon continued to stand on the railing. Suddenly, it fell onto the floor and writhed on the ground, beginning to grow in size. The feathers on its body molted and its wings turned into arms. Soon, the naked form of Godman was on the ground. He looked around himself wildly, having no clue where he was. His eyes widened and he began to cough. He got up and leaned over the railing just in time to vomit violently. Once he finished, he fell back onto the ground. Clyde and Harvey returned to the balcony after hearing the noise.

"WHAT THE HELL?! WHO IS THIS?!" Clyde yelled. "WHY IS THERE A NAKED MAN IN MY APARTMENT?!"

Harvey covered his ears. "Why is that every time something freaky happens, you automatically assume it's my fault, dude?"

"Why does my mouth taste like garbage...?" The man mumbled. "Like I had a four course meal from a trash can?"

The balcony floor rumbled as another newcomer appeared. Godman, Clyde, and Harvey looked up to see the mad scientists' creation standing over them. The three humans collectively dropped their jaws.

Harvey was the first to recover, grinning widely. "They grow up so fast, don't they, Clyde?"

Godman's eyes widened. "Clyde? Hey wait a minute, I know where I am! You two made this thing?!"

The creature sniffed the air, then got in Godman's face, roaring loudly. Godman held his nose and waved the air. "God DAMN! Your breath smells as bad as mine tastes! Now I'm starting to remember things...I turned into a pigeon to chase it, but forgot who I really was. SO I ATE TRASH TOO?!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Clyde said.

The creature opened its mouth, revealing its teeth and licking them. Godman scurried to his feet. "RUN!" Godman ran into the house, followed by Clyde and Harvey. The creature ran after them.

Clyde pointed at the storage room. "In there!" He yelled, running inside. Harvey and Godman followed, closing the door behind them. Clyde locked the door and the creature could be heard colliding with the door from outside. After a few seconds of scratching, it snorted and its footsteps faded.

Clyde breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay, now that we're safe, would you be so kind as to tell us WHO THE HELL YOU ARE AND WHY YOU'RE STARK NAKED IN MY APPARTMENT?"

Godman got in his face. "How do you not know who I am?! I'm the freaking God--" Godman stopped to think. "Godfrey! Godfrey...Godfrey! Yeah, that's me. I sell clothing door to door."

"Your own clothing, apparently," Clyde said skeptically.

"I'm such a good salesman, I sold the clothes off my back! Now how about you tell me WHAT IS THAT THING THAT JUST CHASED US IN HERE!"

"And after that, maybe you could tell us WHAT YOU HAVE IN STOCK!" Harvey yelled, including himself in the conversation. Godman and Clyde looked at him.

"Sorry, wanted to join in," He said sheepishly.

"Look, I know just as much as you about this. Absolutely nothing!" Clyde said.

"That's bogus! That thing came here with a purpose! You know something..." He had no clue about Clyde or Harvey's involvement in this, but he needed to get something out of them. He looked around the storage room. There had to be something he could work with...aha! He grabbed a wooden box off the shelf and raised it over his head. "If I don't get any answers, I'm dropping this thing and breaking it!"

Harvey gasped. "Oh no! My scat collection!"

Godman cringed and dropped it on the ground in shock. "Ew ew ew!"

Clyde and Harvey laughed. "Gotcha!" The two high-fived. "Told you I would get someone with that one day!"

Godman picked up another metal object and examined it. It was a collar of sorts. Clyde and Harvey stopped laughing immediately. "And what do we have here?"

*Aw crap, the mind control collar,* Harvey thought to himself. *Please let him be illiterate please let him be illiterate.*

"...Mind control collar?"

*Okay, please let him not look at the shelf again please let him not look at the shelf again.*

Godman looked at the shelf again and found a remote. "Mind control remote? Perfect." He eyed Harvey.

*Please let him be--*

*"*Harvey, you fool! You've been talking aloud all this time!" Clyde said, facepalming.

Godman tackled him and struggled to put the collar on. "Hold still!"

"Harvey, get him off!" Clyde yelled, standing back.

"I'm trying, but he's all naked and stuff! Come help me!"

"Why do you think I'm standing back in the first place!"

Godman finally put the collar on and Harvey froze. He pressed a button and the scientist's face froze. "Perfect, you're under my control! Now, why is that thing here?!"

"The mind control collars only works on the mentally vulnerable, good luck getting anything--"

"It is a genetically modified organism Clyde and I created to be the ultimate predator, who would then make us rich when we sold it to the highest bidder," Harvey deadpanned. Clyde's jaw dropped. "It is the combination of 30% rat DNA, 30% shark DNA, 30% cockroach DNA, and 10% human DNA added--"

"Wait, wait, wait," Godman said, interrupting Harvey's confession. "You two tried to play God and create the ultimate predator, but that thing is 60% pest?"

"Rats are known to be highly intelligent and their teeth are harder than copper and iron. The jaw muscles of a rat can exert up to 12 tons per square inch. Sharks have multiple rows of teeth and are considered apex predators, and cockroaches are incredibly durable. Human DNA was added to round out the experiment."

Godman's jaw dropped. "Alright, why is it trying to kill us?"

"Possibly because of a perceived wrong done against it. Harvey and I had exposed it to high amounts of electricity and radiation to advance its growth rate. This lasted through the night and during that time, it must have overheard Clyde and I's voices. I assume it now wants revenge on us for making it endure such pain."

Clyde's jaw dropped. "Holy crap, *I* hadn't even thought about that."

"Great, just great. We're trapped in this room with that...thing outside." Godman turned off the mind control collar and Harvey shook his head, returning to his old self. Clyde grabbed his shoulders and shook him. "YOU JUST TOLD HIM ALL OUR SECRETS!!"

"I got mind controlled WHAT DID YOU WANT ME TO DO?!"

"Do you guys have any bug spray in here? We could kill it with that!"

The door banged as the monster threw its body at it.

"Aw, crap! It's trying to bust in!" Harvey hollered.

Clyde's eyes moved around the closet, his brain scrambling to think of a solution. He noticed a syringe on the shelf and picked it up. It was the same one he used on Harvey. When he saw a stain at 3 mL, something dawned upon him. "Harvey, do you remember how much DNA we took from each animal?"

"Not really. Pizza, remember?"

Clyde pulled out his phone and frantically scrolled through. "18 mL...and we needed one last 10%..." His eyes widened. "I miscalculated and didn't inject the fetus with enough DNA! That means..."

Harvey caught on. "Its DNA is still unstable!"

"Bingo! That means it's still malleable!"

"Can someone explain this eureka moment?!" Godman asked.

"Only 3 mLs of human DNA was used, meaning that if the monster was injected with something else, it would drastically alter its behavior! We're not screwed!"

Godman nodded along slowly. "So if you injected it with slug DNA, then it would die if we sprinkled salt on it?"

"Wouldn't kill it, but it would hurt like hell." Clyde answered. "But we need time to figure out what could make an impact like that. We only have 5% to work with."

Godman cracked his knuckles and got up. People were in danger, which meant it was his time to shine. "If it's time you need, I can give you some."

Clyde covered his eyes as the hero got up. "What the hell are you gonna do, Godfrey? Swing your dingaling at him or something?"

Godman chuckled to himself. "That's the thing you two don't know about me. I've got a secret power, and it's time for me to show it."

With that, the superhero raised his right hand up and it transformed into a flamethrower. He then unlocked the door and aimed at the beast. "Say goodnight, RatSharkRoach!" The weapon only made an empty clicking sound, however. Godman looked at his hand, then at Clyde and Harvey.

"Hey, do you guy happen to have any gasolin--" A hairy arm grabbed Godman by his head and dragged him outside. Clyde and Harvey began brainstorming ideas.

"Alright, Harvey. We need to think of a living thing whose DNA we can inject into that monster. It has to have a significant enough weakness we can use to destroy it afterwards. Any idea?"

Harvey stroked his chin. He responded a few seconds later. "No, nothing yet. You?"

Clyde also took some time before answering. "Nope."

"Damn."

Suddenly, Godman tore the door open, cuts and bite marks peppering his body. "HEY GUYS, HOW ABOUT YOU INJECT IT WITH SOMETHING ELSE THAT NEEDS WATER TO SURVIVE?!" The gray haired arm returned to drag him away from the door.

Clyde nodded. "He has a point. Even though it already has shark DNA, of we gave him more DNA from a water based animal, it might be forced to develop gills. But do we have any DNA of an aquatic animal?"

Harvey got up. "We got the next best thing: fish sauce in the fridge!"

"Harvey, how is that the next best--alright."

The two scientists ran out of the closet and made a beeline for the kitchen. Godman and the monster were rolling on the ground in the living room. Harvey opened the fridge and grabbed a glass botte filled with a dark liquid. He opened it up, the smell of fermented anchovies causing him to gag. "It's an acquired taste, but you never get used to the smell!"

Clyde opened the syringe and poured some of the sauce in. Godman was now being held by his neck, the monster licking its lips as it opened its mouth to bite.

"Hey, Godfrey!" Clyde called out, throwing the syringe to the naked hero. Godman caught the syringe in his hand and jabbed it into the RatSharkRoach's arm. As soon as he squeezed the plunger and the liquid entered the monster's arm, it screeched and dropped him on the ground. As the anchovy DNA coursed through its veins, its body underwent a metamorphasis. It shrunk in size until it was a little taller than Godman. Small slits also started appearing along its neck. It began clawing at the air frantically, already needing to enter a body of water.

"It's working!" Harvey