Jason Nash, Our Close Friend

**"Jason Nash, Our Close Friend"** is the forty-first episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Sean and Hayes are happy to finally relax after their newsworthy week. Following an installment of “Ehh? Wrong,” JASON NASH appears to talk how difficult the cast members of his movie “Jason Nash Is Being Married” were, speak on how filmmaking is really just like cooking a fine meal, and walk the guys through one of his famous “Mirror Movies.”

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Hayes talking over the theme: "So I'm meeting this girl and like we're having a nice conversation, it's very nice, uh and then I say 'Oh, I didn't get your name,' and she says 'Oh I'm Lake Bell' and then I'm like... 'Well, that's not a name, those are two things.' And she says 'No, that's just my name' and it turns out she never heard of either one of those individual things, I had to explain both concepts to her. And Imagine how embarassing that must have been to find out that all along..." Sean cuts Hayes off and asks if she was lying, he hates tricksters. They then get into a conversation about lakes, bells, and tricksters. Sean attempts to start the controversy of 'shred the mountain' back from Ep. #039 - Sean O'Connor, Our Close Friend
* Hayes and Sean open the show talking about the whole LeBron situation, and Sean gives some advice up top: Never work with athletes.
* Hayes and Sean talk about how they like Soccer more than basketball because basketball is too many points, and scoring, and they point to that one blowout that happened last week where one team won by 7 goals to shut up all the people who say that there isn't enough points and scoring in soccer. It's not boring, it's exciting! That's what the players were saying with their kicks.
* Hayes and Sean talk about how they once told LeBron to do the show and go to Miami, he flipped to the back pages of the script. LeBron didn't want to go and he fought against Hayes and Sean constantly saying, 'people aren't gonna like my character when I go to Miami, and this is where I live, and I'm gonna look like an asshole' and so on. Sean tried to mention that's what makes the story so powerful later on, and LeBron only said, 'Later what?' it was apparent LeBron didn't read the end of the story. He didn't even seem to understand why Sean told him to lose the championship saying things like, "Why don't I score more baskets here, or wouldn't I do a big dunk here?" when it's clear that that's just the same old stuff we've already seen, it'd be boring. Hayes goes on to say he doesn't seem to 'get' the larger arc
* Hayes and Sean thank everyone for tuning into the sports movie with LeBron, and to stay tuned, there's much more interesting stories to happen, particularly with the whole Melo thing, keep an eye on Lala -- who basically is Hayes and Sean's Megan Draper.

### Guest Segment

* Sean talking over the theme: "So I turned back to the bartender and I go, 'No! I DO recognize you' 'nah man you got the wrong guy, it's not me' and I go, 'I don't have the wrong guy, you're Sisqo,' and he just left... took off his apron and left." Once you take the apron off it's over, it's unsanitary to come back after that.
* Jason finds when he defends women, he gets more pussy. Sean calls this 'taking the local.'
* Jason's phone goes off in the studio, and he mentions how ever since his movie came out he's been getting all sorts of calls. Like from Mel Gibson for instance. Little known fact - Mel is actually a big fan of little known improvisors at the UCB
* Jason asks Hayes and Sean if Sean Hayes is later going to drop by, he assumed it was his show and that Hayes and Sean were just the side guys. Hayes mentions he may pop in later. They're two radio DJs named Professor and the Coyote (a reference to The reality SHOW show Ep. #015 - Skull and Two Bones)
* Hayes commends Jason for putting his name in the title of his movie, it's very important to get your name out there. So smart. Many directors make that mistake, and don't do that. Like Quentin Tarantino for instance should have named *The Glorious Swearword*, *The Glorious Quentin Tarantino* or The *Quentin Tarantinoest Swearword*, or even *Quentin Tarantino Kills Bill and Beats Him Up*. THAT'S a movie name.
* Jason mentions what a headache and what assholes the people he worked with in his movie were, people like Andy Richter, Andy Daly, Paul F. Tompkins, TJ Miller (gross), Mary Lynn Rajskub. One time Andy Richter even came to set and the first thing out of his mouth was "Where's my Cokie!?" and he was actually talking about cocaine, not cookie. "No coke, no work" he said. So Jason had to send his 72 year-old mother to the worst part of skidrow and find him coke. What's worse is it takes him like 5 hours to do coke when usually it's a pretty quick drug to do, but Andy has a specific ritual he does, where he takes off his shirt licks his chops for awhile, you have to say grace, puts on a Bill Withers record, and so much more. It's such a nightmare. Even after Andy does his coke, he doesn't want to do the scene, he want's to just sit there and talk, which is basically code for Andy for 'let's have a massage'
* Tons of fucking on set too, when you have people like Paul F. Tompkins and TJ Miller in the same movie, it's a disaster, Hayes has actually heard that they had a thing going on. When you're a PFT and you've had the option of fucking every thing that moves from the age of 6-7 years old the idea of traditionally finding a beautiful woman to make love to becomes boring. So TJ Miller kinda becomes more of a challenge. The Pussy Posse! PFT, TJ, DC (Pierson), Demitri, Adrian Grenier.
* Hayes asks what it's like working with Rob Corddry, and how he thinks people still don't know he's bald. He's very self conscious about it, even though he doesn't have hair he's always brushing it away from his eyes or stroking it. It's pretty funny but it doesn't fit the scene a lot of the times.
* Sean didn't go to traditional school, no. Nor traditional home school, no. Sean was a farm orphan, streets and street artists gave him his schooling. Did he ride any trains? No, not traditional rail riding, no. Sean held two pieces of a train together, and kept one of the pieces from flying off of the side of a cliff.
* Jason set up some 'hero moments' for publicity for the movie. Paul Scheer saved someone from a car. Paul doesn't have much time left, he has the bad kind of carpal tunnel
* Jason asks what films Sean and Hayes have made, and Sean sighs and responds with "What films haven't we made? that's the easier question." Jason has only made one, and Hayes and Sean tell him how much he'll love it as they reminisce on making their first movie. Jason then asks about the web series they made, how he remembered they made it all but can't find it anywhere. Hayes tells him the internet wasn't ready for it yet.
* The recipe for Jason's movie is kinda like a pot pie. For J*ason Nash is Married* Jason is the crust, the chicken, and the peas, and some of the sauce, and maybe Patton Oswalt is like the carrot, which to be frank is generous. More like a small chopped carrot that wasn't meant to be in. Nick Swardson is himself, looking at the pie and saying yummy. Rubbing his belly, watching it from outside the window, tappin' on the glass. Floating along on the scent of the pie, he starts sniffing, and his body levitates up and he follows the trail. And Jason says "Ah ah ah!" and shuts the door on his schnoz.
* Hayes and Sean find the Columbia pictures woman to be very sexy, dressed in a flowing robe. It gets you in a sexual mood to watch your movie.
* Sean, Hayes, and Jason discuss the differences in 'movie' and 'videos,' and Jason brings up a Funny or Die video that Jason made awhile back. It only got like 75 views, and he asks if Paramount-Vantage on the front of their Funny or Die video, Hayes tells him that they indeed were, and Jason doesn't believe it. So Hayes gives the full story that Paramount-Vantage was the production company for that video, and Sony classic distributed it. Searchlight was sniffing around. Jason refuses to believe it.
* Funny or Die is pretty picky about who gets to see their site and so Hayes and Sean tell Jason he may be getting re-directed to a different site and that's why he won't be able to see and check their video.
* Jason finally comes clean and tells Hayes and Sean that he feels guilty that they're not in the movie. Sean is taken aback, he thought he was in the movie. When you're watching the movie you can kinda see a reflection of them at all times Sean's character was the Watcher, he oversees everything in the movie. So Jason takes his comment back about feeling bad that they weren't in the movie, because they are indeed in the movie.
* Jason talks about doing a movie in the mirror and demonstrates to Hayes and Sean. He sings James Brown's "Get On Up." Hayes asks if certain races maybe are being underrepresented in the movie after hearing the various voices Jason was doing, Jason defends himself and demonstrates some more parts of the movie. The boys encourage Jason to do more different races' voices. The scene gets pretty romantic. It's a real *Rosencrantz and Guildenstern..* style circling of *Ocean's 11.*
* Sean does a big spoiler of *Snowpiercer*.
* The weirder you get the more pussy you get. Go full weird.
* Jason says Pussy Posse, mentioning a thing from beginning! Just when you feel you're running out of steam, you say a thing from the beginning, and bingo bango, people listening say "I remember that!"

## Recurring Segments

* Ehh... Wrong! - Hayes and Sean discuss iTunes reviews that are Ehh Wrong! by their stupidest fans
	+ Mr. British Petroleum - Hayes mentions right off the bat that it's not cool to have that as your name, to be a part of BP a company that makes animals sick is disgusting! Isn't it funny how Hayes and Sean's stupidest fans are the negative ones and that have the worst taste and poor taste?
	+ Mr. British Petroleum's review: 1 star, subject line - "What's worse than two Hollywood douchebags? Two guys *pretending* to be Hollywood douchebags. The Idea that Hollywood insiders can be annoying is an idea almost as old as Hollywood itself. Yet these two have dedicated hours and hours to the shtick of acting horribly to others and their guests. If their comedic personalities were more fleshed out a la Colbert then maybe this would be approaching something interesting, but as it is the incredibly thin premise is torture to listen to"
		- Normally Hayes and Sean would go Ehh Wrong in this situation but this is a little more complicated then that. It's coming from such a place of confusion and misunderstanding that it's actually more like "Eh...? Wrong" and Sean actually sympathizes with this person because he sees exactly what happened. Sean and Hayes talk about movies on the show, and the person who made this review probably doesn't understand that people in movies is pretending to be other people. I see Johnny Depp here, his soul and brain lives in computer, Johnny Depp's over here and he is a pirate, and he's just such a mean pirate, and here when watching *Nick of Time*, and he's got some clock on him to save his son or something. It seems that this guy is familiar with the idea of movies and wants to learn more, and so he probably listened to this show and thought 'well this must be movies too.' So this concept is applied to basically everything in this person's life. The only thing this person knows (literally the only thing) is that movies is has pretending and so they think this podcast is talking about movies, they is pretending too.... And Sean realizes it's clear that this user doesn't understand what he's hearing. The fact that this guy is listening clearly means that he wants to get better, and that's why he's not completely wrong, but he's just so stubborn! and it's frustrating, it's like society as a whole goes 'I'm confused I don't understand this so I'm mad' but you don't have to be mad! you can't learn from a place of madness, you can only learn from being open. So next time don't close off as soon as you hear something that's confusing to you. Ask your dad, or a friend, or ask a teacher that you know what's really going on with the podcast, because you didn't fuckin' get it, but there might be someone in your life who has half a fuckin' brain who can explain it to you
		- Hayes has some words of encouragement for Mr. British Petroleum, he notices that it's his first iTunes review, so he assures him that the more he does the easier it will get for him and the better he'll do. The first one is always the one you eat shit on so Hayes assures him not to worry about it. Sean's so happy back when he left his first iTunes review on the internet as a teen it wasn't the same as it is today where everything is just out there for people. Sean wasn't *quite so* confused, and in fact he was a very cool funny writer and understood movies so that helped, but he knows that he's leaps and bounds better now so he's sure that Mr. British Petroleum will improve. Because quite frankly he can only go up, because that's the worst thing Sean's ever seen.
* Pro Version - Mean Detective - Prize is a role in Jason Nash's Mirror Movie, his role will be a Spanish dude that races cars. Mean Detective is not Hayes and Sean's friend.

## Recurring Jokes

* Points! - Never work with athletes especially basketball athletes. They just always feel the need to be getting points all the time. Points, points, points, points, points
* Everyone Gets a Trophy - Americans just need this trophy every time we put something into something else. Sean tries to think of the phrase "instant gratification" and Hayes impatiently helps him finish the thought
* Talking to the Engineer - Sean asks Engineer Cody if he knows about peak oil, and he says yes. Hayes asks him to talk about it and explain it to the listeners. Cody begins speaking quickly about it, and Hayes and Sean tell him to stop, he's reading off papers for his license exam! He's not supposed to be learning to drive, he's supposed to be listening to the show for any mistakes that might happen. Hayes and Sean were once excited for him, but now are concerned that he's studying too much for his license. Hayes puts it bluntly -- it's not going to happen, you're never gonna learn. Give it up! Close the book, and give it up. He's never going to figure out how to work a car, it's a big complicated machine! Sean tells Cody to play with his yo-yo toy that they bought for him and to give up on learning! The yo-yo is actually something that's great for Cody, because maybe in a year or two he might actually figure that out. Hayes mentions that the concept of 'stay in your lane' is actually relevant in this situation but unfortunately, he can't say it to Cody because it would just sound like alien language to Cody. Showin' card tricks to a dog
* Speak on That - Sean once heard that the cooking in the movie *Chef* was actually a metaphor for film making. He asks Jason to speak on that. Jason mentions how much he loves to eat and how much of a foodie he is. And that's what movies is for him
	+ Sean asks Jason to speak on that when Jason is talking about how he was on stage with Kiss. He decided to make a movie about that Jason Nash is Kiss.
	+ Jason is asked to speak on how lots of movies are similar.
* Too Scary - Sean got really scared during the part of the movie where Paul Scheer was the Wolfman. The kid with a shotgun hiding next to the window in *Three Men and a Baby*-- Holy fucking shit! Talk about a bone-chilling movie experience! Sean's stomach drrrroppped! He means, the bottom dropped out. Straight through the floor.
* Sean and Hayes's Particular Attribute - Sean and Hayes need a little time, more than 6 seconds. It takes a very, very long time. When you're endowed a certain way, people think you're lucky, you're blessed with a certain.. physical structure. BUUT.. it's like being in space-- time is relative. Things take longer in space because the scale is so much bigger.

## Ads

* This episode is sponsored by Cards Against Humanity they asked them not to read an ad. Cards Against Humanity is starting piss Sean and Hayes off. The first time it happened, Hayes and Sean said it was epic, but now Cards Against Humanity is making Sean regret he ever said that. The second time it scared him, but he can only be scared for so long before Sean stands up and says he won't be terrorized anymore. And that's what this literally is, is terrorism. They've backed Sean into a corner, and now he's gonna come out swinging, and there was a time Hayes would have tried to stop Sean, but not anymore, they've asked for it. (Sean is skeptical if Hayes could actualy stop him, but that's besides the point) Sean is contemplating making Uncle Sean's funny cards, to see if maybe that'll put a dent in their business, because you don't make enemies with powerful podcasts!
* Hayes is coaching Sean throughout this entire ad for the Earwolf Forums, but Sean keeps messing it up, Hayes keeps telling him to power through they don't have the time to correct all his mistakes. Sean asks if people need more Earworf in their life, check out the forums and poster on subjects like Comedy Bang Bang catchpraises, Who Charted fan fiction, and How Did This Get Made movie suggeftions. Follow Hayes and Sean on Factbook, Twitter, Instagram, and tumber, at earworf. You get the first scoop on inside news and see... ex.. ecks.. photos

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, Jason Nash, Sean ClementsHayes, Sean, and Jason Nash in the studioHayes, Sean, and Jason Nash in the studio