Falling Falling Stars

"*Imagine me deciding to feel bad about everything I've ever done, and then imagine what kind of life I'll have. Because I'm not brave enough to live in some fucked up eighteen-hundreds-style purgatory. I'd rather die. There's no one who wants me, and there's no one who will. Which is exactly what someone like me deserves, isn't it?*"
―Efnisien ap Wledig[[The Spoils of the Spoiled, Chapter 25: Don't Hate Me]]

## Falling Falling Stars

Cover art for "Falling Falling Stars" by Pia Foxhall https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61963767-falling-falling-stars

### Link

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/61598329

## Reading Order

### Next

The Moon is Down

***Falling Falling Stars*** is a *Fae Tales Verse AU*, and part 2 of *Spoils*. It is an all human, post-high school AU. It can be read on its own, doesn't require prior knowledge of canon versions of the cast, and does not even require reading *The Spoils of the Spoiled*, though reading *The Spoils of the Spoiled* provides some context for the start of Efnisien's journey.

## Summary

A story about a broken boy, who is learning how not to break everything else around him.

## Characters

*See: List of Falling Falling Stars characters*

*Falling Falling Stars* contains a large cast of characters, but focuses on Efnisien ap Wledig and his boyfriend Arden Mercury, along with Efnisien's cousin, Gwyn ap Nudd, the rest of their family, and Efnisien's growing group of friends, acquaintances, and medical specialists.

## Locations

#### An Fnwy mansion/An Fnwy estate

The primary story mansion for the An Fnwy family, located on Cattersbury Crescent in the Mount. Efnisien and Gwyn used to live there when they didn't stay at school, along with Lludd and Crielle. Penny and Euroswydd would rarely visit. Crielle 'had a Bösendorfer, an Imperial Concert Grand piano, and she’d personally required that the company finish it in white, to match the rest of the furnishings.' After the settlement with Gwyn and Efnisien went to the hospital, then to Hillview, and Lludd and Crielle fled the country, the mansion was sold, along with everything in it.

#### Anthony's house

Anthony and Teddy's ensemble sometimes has practice at Anthony's home, in Anthony's music studio. It's near the Mount. The studio has 'wooden surfaces, . . . soundproofing, . . . double-glazed windows, [and] wires and leads that connected to amps and microphones' and 'really nice electric guitars up against one wall by a grand piano'.

#### Arden's dojo

The dojo Arden goes to for practice, where he used to teach. It is one of the rarer dojos that actually pays its teachers. George currently works there.

#### Arden's house

Arden is well-off and has a nice house on Fairway Crescent 'on the other side of the city [from Efnisien's apartment]. All up it was about forty minutes of solid driving. At one point they sailed down a long, straight road that Efnisien didn’t recognise, through green fields and orchards, with rustic farmhouses, mature trees lining the road.' The front garden is well managed, and the main entrance leads to a 'large kitchen with an island in the middle, the lounge with its comfortable, overstuffed couches, and the bookshelves all along the wall, sandwiching the large television between them.' One of the couches has a floral pattern. Isabelle has a rug for herself in the kitchen, on the tile floor. There's also a backyard, where Arden sometimes keeps her. There's a corridor with a bathroom, 'a big linen closet to the right, the bottom of which was filled with what looked like dog beds and dog blankets. There were two guest rooms that actually looked really fucking cozy. They both had crocheted quilts', which Arden made. There's a room Arden dubbed 'the disaster room', which has all the bits of past hobbies he's tried, a dungeon, a laundry room, a gym/mini dojo with 'a floor section of what looked like straight up concrete, and then the kind of mats that Gwyn used to wrestle on. There were sparring tools and stuff leaning against one of the walls, as well as a rowing machine', and a room for suspension rigging.

Arden's bedroom had 'a nice wooden door' and 'there were several blister packets for meds on one of the bedside tables, and a handheld gaming console in bright pink, and a photo of someone in a frame that looked like it could’ve been a boyfriend or something, maybe an ex, or maybe a friend. The guy looked young though, like a teenage version of Arden.' Arden revealed this was a picture of Laurie. 'The bed was huge. It was easily a king size bed. The doona cover was embroidered, a deep blue with gold and beige thread creating flowers and stars. The wallpaper was a subtle beige-gold, like the embroidery, but its pattern was more abstract. Efnisien could tell from looking at it, that it was expensive. Even the lamps looked expensive. The light-fitting on the ceiling was nice, made of wood and delicate metal powder-coated in black. And there were downlights in one corner of the room that hadn’t been turned on. There were more doors in this room, they must have led to an en suite bathroom and the other must have led to a walk-in robe. . . . There were also two metal rods screwed to the ceiling, running parallel to each other, stretching from one side of the ceiling to the other. They almost looked like hospital handrails; except they were super long and all the way up there.'

Efnisien usually visits Arden's home on Sundays.

After agreeing to spend more time at Arden's, Arden set aside a room for Efnisien (which appears to have formerly been where Arden did his taxes). 'It wasn’t quite a guestroom. There was a decent table – larger than Efnisien’s – pushed up against the wall with a space cleared for a laptop. There were pen holders, notepaper, some fidget toys, and multiple framed pictures of different landscapes on the wall. A beach with a shoreline of black pebbles. A forest at twilight, dust motes lit up by the setting sun over little hills of moss, red canyons with red soil, impossibly bright green vines. Pushed against one wall was a single bed with a deep green quilt cover, and olive green sheets, and a little throw cushion that had leaves stitched into it.'

Arden is very big about decorating for Christmas, and around that time covers his house in the decorations.

#### The Cosy Book Corner

The Cosy Book Corner is a 'small boutique bookstore' with a bell on the door that rings when the door opens. It has a curtained off section called the Uncosy Book Corner, which contains adult books. The Uncosy Book Corner has 'a hand-painted sign that said Uncosy Book Corner in white calligraphy' and the curtain is 'crimson velvet'. The store also has a breakroom in the back, which is 'small. There was a tiny four seater table with only three chairs', as well as cabinets with food and dishes. The store is about a 30-minute walk from Efnisien's apartment. Kadek owned the store on his own first, but brought Arden on board to help, and the two are currently co-owners. The store gets a lot of online orders, which Arden packages, and Kadek mails out.

#### Efnisien's apartment

Efnisien's apartment is small, due to his budget, and seems to consist of one main room with no windows, wherein he has 'the cheapest IKEA table he could afford', which he uses as a desk for his desktop with 'a good mechanical switch keyboard'. He also has a kitchen, a bedroom, and a bathroom. Arden got him a new set of sheets, a new doona cover, and a large mattress protector, as Efnisien's bed was uncomfortable and the sheets had holes in them.

Efnisien also has a laptop and a 'plain grey melamine bookshelf', which contained 44 books at the start of the story, though he has since obtained many more. The room also contains 'a grey couch'. He also has a microwave in the kitchen, and the main room has an 'overhead bare bulb'. He also has a tally whiteboard, which is sometimes on his fridge, where he marks certain intrusive thoughts. Kadek also gave him a smaller rice cooker, which 'was white and rounded and had a couple of scuff marks on it but was otherwise fine.' He 'bought one small, knitted orange dumbo octopus, and one larger orange dumbo octopus from a marine aquarium that must have been cheaper because it was mass produced, and he bought a knitted pale blue jellyfish that he thought he’d put on top of his books, so its purple tentacles could hang down.' The jellyfish 'wasn’t exactly anatomically accurate because it had two pale purple beady eyes.' He placed it 'on the armrest on the sofa', and then took one of the octopuses with him to therapy. He later placed the octopus plush under his bed. He also kept 'a box underneath the table his desktop computer was on. In it, he had some of his shit for Hillview, his lease agreement, other paperwork he’d picked up, including discharge crap from the hospital. Right at the very bottom was a basic manila folder, with some stuff he’d scribbled down in a hurry as soon as he’d moved into the apartment. . . . So on a piece of paper he had thirty phone numbers written down, each a mobile phone number, each one of Crielle’s burner phones. She had more than that, those were the only numbers he could recall after Hillview.'

Some of Efnisien's books include:

* 45: A book on deepwater zoology with a blue cover
* 46: a difficult calculus book from Gwyn with a yellow cover
* 47: *Many Moons:* a book on Jupiter's moons with a yellow and blue cover
* 48: a bright orange book on judo
* 49: a hot pink book on jellyfish
* 50: a black and grey book about astrophysics by Saverimutto, which came from a book fair at Gulvi's university. Efnisien struggled with this one, so he gave it to Arden for safe-keeping, so that Efnisien could move on to a different book, as Efnisien prefers to finish books before buying new ones. Efnisien noted that he'd never struggled with a book like this before.
* ~~51~~: a blue book with a blue spine on cephalopods. Steph's brother destroyed it.
* 51: *Queer Nature*: a hardback with 'soft pastel rainbow colours all over it, and the font was in a bold white and black: *Queer Nature*. . . . [about] 'animals and stuff that basically like, change their sex, or change their gender expression over time, or same sex relationships and stuff. It has this huge disclaimer in the beginning about how like, animals can’t really be *queer*, they’re just animals.'
* 52: 'a novel on the history of dragon folklore' from Gwyn.
* 53-54: a book 'on sea meadows and the animals that lived in them, with a dugong on the cover' and a book 'on space junk, [which] had a picture of a round metal orb on the cover, with really long metal spokes coming out of it.'
* 55-58: A book 'on biochemistry, one on whale sharks, one on air balloons and one on microwave cooking.'
* Efnisien ordered an unknown number of books on unknown subjects during Chapter 62: Cherished.
* Gwyn gave him a book on ethology, which was the first book Gwyn had given Efnisien 'about animals or animal behavior'.
* Nate leant Efnisien *A Shawl of Mist*, a hardback, well-worn book 'about tanka and haiku, and about how you can break the syllable pattern in English sometimes, to get a better feel for how they’re supposed to sound in the head and mouth.'
* He purchased a book 'on whale sharks, and another on the evolution of swearing'.
* Gwyn gave him '*Game Theory and Animal Behaviour.* The cover was beige, but also elegant.'
* Arden gave him two coloring books (which are currently at Arden's): 'One had drawings of deep-sea creatures, and the other was all octopuses.'
* Arden gave him eight books for his birthday, forming a complete rainbow of pink, red, orange, yellow, light green, darker green, blue, and violet. 'There was book on all the shells of the world, a book on cetaceans, a book on the physics of speed, one on the nature of trauma in childhood, an atlas, a book about trees, a book on intuitive eating, and a book on ocean waves.'

At one point Efnisien rearranged the bookshelf by spine color so that it looked like a rainbow.

#### The Elizabeth Bridge ("the Beth")

There's a bridge called the Elizabeth Bridge or 'the Beth' between Arden's and Efnisien's homes. There's a 'small little parking area next to the river'. Efnisien noted that the 'river smelled a bit of sulphur, but there was a water scent behind it that was nice . . . There was even a warning sign near the water saying that it was deep.'

#### Forest

The kink club Kadek co-owns. It's located in 'in an industrial area. Efnisien had expected it to be central, even within walking distance, and while it wasn’t that far from his home compared to Arden’s place, it was still on the fringes of the city. Efnisien was pretty sure it was sandwiched between two manufacturing companies. The frontage of the club was dark grey, and dark green ivy had been allowed to grow all over it. There were wrought iron metal grates over narrow windows, and it wasn’t possible to see into the building. One of the windows had a rainbow flag, a flag with the colours pale pink, pale blue, and white, a sticker that showed an infinity symbol and the symbol for pi, and a sticker of mainly black and royal blue stripes – with one white stripe in the middle – and a heart at the corner.' It's 'deceptively long', and has a quiet room for people to relax, as well as a bar with 'a long counter made of dark red wood with a bartender behind it who had bright pink hair'. The quiet room itself is spartan, but has 'an old pool table in one corner with plastic vines coiling up the chair legs. Here the illusion of greenery was more faded than anywhere else in the club'. The bathrooms are unisex, and there 'were plants hanging from beams on the ceiling – alongside lengths of jute – and there were fake vines here and there, and cute little fairy lights, and Efnisien supposed it did have a kind of woodland aesthetic, especially since some of the lighting was provided by fake LED candles that gave it a kind of homely feel.' It is a victims-first club.

#### Frankie and Sasha's house

Frankie and Sasha own a farmhouse. It has a long driveway and a lake that is home to geese that Frankie feeds, and there are also chickens that Frankie cares for. The property has a large number of trees: a 'mixture of exotics and natives . . . Oak and birch and jacaranda and eucalyptus and elder and Japanese maple and many more. Some trees were already well-established, others were only seven or eight feet high, still finding their way.' The lake is large, with 'a jetty and a little tin boat. Big enough to swim in. Young weeping willows grew along one side, part of Frankie’s ongoing project to make his forest on the farm.'

'Frankie and Sasha’s house wasn’t as fancy as some of the other houses [Efnisien had] been visiting. But it was large, and it sprawled out over a big, messy property which had a ‘Beware: Geese’ sign on the fence.' They have a spa that's often used for play and/or sex parties. There's also a games room that can be used for tabletop gaming. When Efnisien visited a second time, the inside of the house 'smelled like a bakery, the place looked warm and spacious with the morning light streaming in. . . . The walls were made of blocks of grey and white stone, the ceiling was wood with exposed beams, the floor was wood floorboards.' In one room in the house there's a 'wooden coffee table separated the two large couches. There were wood-carved coasters. The whole place felt homely.'

At the back of the farmhouse there was a 'wraparound verandah with . . . broad decking' and a gravel pathway leading to 'garden beds in progress all around. Some were full and flowering, with bees creating a constant background drone that felt like summer. There were others that were empty, with bits of reticulation sticking out. There was a big basket under' a tangelo. The back of the property 'was almost like a botanical garden, or a nature park. There was even lawn, half of which was clover. It was green and flourishing, the trees here were older and mature'. There's also benches to rest on.

Frankie and Sasha 'bought the property as a hub for others like [them] . . . Whether that’s holding large play parties in the farmhouse or having druids or witches over for their trees and rituals, or holding mini LARPs, or . . . inviting some of the women over from the Croatia Club for a day of making and sharing pasticada and amareta and tortas [they] haven’t had in years.'

#### Dr Gary's office

Dr Gary's office has an armchair that Efnisien likes to sit in. Dr Gary has a desk where he keeps his laptop, as well as a plant with big dark leaves that is often covered in dust. He has a photo of his dog in a Perspex frame that can't shatter. There's also at least two bookshelves. Outside Dr Gary's office is a waiting room, where Mack sits behind a protective glass screen. Efnisien has therapy on Thursday at 4 PM, as Dr Gary's last patient of the day, and sometimes on Tuesdays, as well.

#### Good Heavens

The bar where Leaves meets 'about once a month'. It doesn't have 'live music on a Tuesday night'. In the back there is a beer garden in the form of an outdoor greenhouse, which, during Leaves meetings, was 'filled with other writers and a little sign that just said the name of the poetry group.' During Efnisien's first meeting, he 'sat on a stool by a giant plant that grew off a board hanging on the wall, instead of in a pot, or planter box. It was beautiful, and looked like it belonged in a jungle, with its huge leaves and bulbous green thing that anchored it to the board'. Mosk noted that the plant was a *Platycerium grande* that he donated to the bar for letting him rent the beer garden for free. The area had 'glass windows and pot plants everywhere, smelling green and fresh.'

#### Hillview

Hillview is a residential treatment facility owned and run by Dr Gary. Henton was also a former therapist there. Efnisien and Laurie are former patients. Efnisien was out of Hillview for three years at the story start.

#### Dr Hope's office

Dr Hope's 'office was bright, it had sunlight and big framed pictures of oceans on the white walls.'

#### Hospital

The hospital Efnisien was checked into after nearly committing suicide on the Beth. He changed rooms while he was there, at least the second of which was in the psych ward. 'The new room was brighter than the last one. It had a big window that opened up to a courtyard with plants in it.' The courtyard 'was surprisingly nice, and big. The hospital wrapped around it, and he saw staff there sometimes, drinking coffees or talking on the phone. A few times he saw friends or family of sick people, someone dressed normally alongside someone in a hospital gown, pushing around their own IV stand. There were some big trees, he didn’t know what they were, but they provided heaps of shade. Sometimes there were birds.' In the courtyard there's a gazebo 'concealed from Efnisien’s window. There was an old but profuse vine growing over half of it, and the trestle table in the middle had seen better days, with some dead leaves on it, and a little graffiti.'

Arden later brought Efnisien some decorations so that 'on the drawers by the bed was an arrangement of a profusion of colourful flowers in a box. And there were bright, floating ‘get well soon!’ balloons tied to the rail at the end of his bed.' 'The flowers were red and orange, yellow and pink, even green. It was an explosion of colour, even the box was a rainbow of colours with stars on it.' Kadek later brought him more flowers. Arden brought a backpack of Efnisien's clothes, his laptop, charger, and a plastic bag of toiletries.

This is the hospital where Efnisien's family paid for a wing dubbed the 'Ap Nudd wing'.

#### Kadek's house

The driveway was 'shaded with large, healthy jacarandas. The grass was immaculate. The amount of clean, shiny glass at the front of the house was insane.' The path up to Kadek's house has 'steps lined with healthy, tropical-looking plants in huge black shiny ceramic pots. The double doors were large and black, the frame was black, and there was a tiny sticker of a pride rainbow in the shape of a figure eight – like the infinity symbol – on a transparent backing, clinging to the top right corner of the frosted glass that bordered either door.' Inside the doors is a long corridor. 'A lot of art hung on the walls. Photos of landscapes and art maybe from whatever part of Asia that was part of Kadek’s heritage. There were heavy spicy and fragrant scents in the air – the smells of cooking . . . The house was huge. There was a large sunken lounge they passed which was filled with gorgeous black leather furniture, and expensive looking rugs, and a huge fireplace. There was a grand piano in a corner and rumpled sheet music still on it, which meant it was being used instead of there for show. . . . At the back of the house was a huge open-plan kitchen that led into another sunken lounge that was clearly more for relaxing and watching TV.'

In the first sunken lounge, there was a lot of 'really nice black leather furniture. The room smelled familiar, like Kadek or his cleaner' used the cleaner that was used at the An Fnwy mansion. The cabinets held 'large plastic figurines that looked well-made, from television shows [Efnisien had] never seen.' There was also a piano.

On the upper floor of the house there was plush carpet, and 'a big open area with a large table, multiple computer screens, and what looked like sound-mixing equipment.' Kadek also stored his electronic piano here until he gave it to Efnisien. Elsewhere in the house is an actual studio with soundproofing for Kadek's educational videos.

'Kadek had a really nice broad undercover deck area. The pot plants were everywhere, some of them two or three metres tall. He definitely had a gardener. The garden was large and had huge trees in it, and camellias . . . The deck itself was dark wood and there were huge heavy wind-chimes that gently knocked into each other, some made of metal, others made of wood, none of the chimes shorter than a metre in length. There was a huge stone buddha at the other end of the deck, surrounded by ferns, and it wasn’t the kind that Efnisien was used to seeing. The buddha had a weird kind of bobbly hat on. . . . There was some kind of vegetable-greenhouse situation going on right at the back. A huge lap pool and spa running along one fence, surrounded by the leafy green fronds of palms and tree ferns.'

Kadek is very big about decorating for Christmas, and around that time covers his house in decorations, particularly concerning Minions and Hot Wheels.

#### Murdock Academy of Excellence ("Murdock" or "Murdock High")

Murdock was the high school that Efnisien, Gwyn, Augus, Ash, Gulvi, Kayla, Steph, and possibly Steph's brother attended.

Murdock is referenced as 'Murdock' twice in *Falling Falling Stars*, and 29 times in *The Spoils of the Spoiled*, while it is referred to as 'Murdoch' only four times in *Falling Falling Stars*, so it has been referred to as 'Murdock' for this entry.

#### Renovated ex-church where the poetry group meets

The poetry group meets in a renovated ex-church about two blocks from Efnisien's apartment, and the group is small, so they have about 15 chairs and a table in the space, with spare notepads. They meet on Saturdays.

#### Roscoe's

A burger 'place on the corner of Orris and Edgewater.' Bridge set up her interrogation of Efnisien there. It's close to The Cosy Book Corner.

#### The Shelter

The cabin Arden picked out for Efnisien's vacation, possibly owned by Hilda. Leading into it is 'a paved driveway that just kind of appeared. There was a metal sculpture of a crane with outstretched wings by the side of it, and someone had hung a golden bauble from its beak, which glistened and flashed in the shafts of morning light.' 'One of the owners is a sculptor', and they made a number of pieces around the area. After the forest around the place clears a little, there are 'intentionally planted shrubs and flowers, ornamental trees that didn’t belong but were thriving due to the rain and cooler temperature on the mountain. And then they were pulling into a bay by a firewood cubby'. The cabin itself has worn, dark decking, 'a big welcome mat that hadn’t been in the photos on the website. A stand for umbrellas and a broom leaning against the wall. A metal sculpture of some kind of small bird, like a sparrow or a honeyeater.' There's a lake under the decking: 'flat, quiet water . . . and a little boat docked next to a jetty, only about one hundred steps away.'

'There was a path to the north that sloped slowly upwards and became progressively rocky. At one point he came to a signpost that simply had an arrow pointing to the left, and a sculpture of a metal tortoise next to it. . . . There were ferns in the undergrowth, the last of the fungi that would mostly disappear when summer truly set in, and moss on the trees. . . . About ten minutes later he came upon a rocky section of the lake, with little secluded rockpools around the place.'

In the outdoors area, there's also 'a large, crouched red metal cat. It looked like a leopard, with its boxy head and its long lashing narrow tail. The metal gave it a sense of power and musculature, and the cat was almost as tall as Efnisien was. There were branches in the dip of its neck, and leaves across its nose, sticking to the rough texture of the metal.'

There's enough space for Efnisien and Arden to have separate bedrooms, and Efnisien has his own attached bathroom, with at least some distance to provide soundproofing between them. There's also a 'giant television'.

#### Tetsujin

Tetsujin is a sushi train restaurant that Janusz and Nate took Efnisien to for lunch after poetry group. It's three streets away from the renovated church for poetry group. Inside the restaurant, 'little colour-coded plates quietly moved with semi-steady smoothness on a windy conveyor belt, covered with plastic protectors to keep the morsels of food inside safe.' There were booths for customers, and chefs working behind the counter.

#### Theatre where LAPQC practices

The theatre was closer to Efnisien's apartment than The Cosy Book Corner, only 15 minutes away by walk. It had a number of steps leading up to it. Inside was a 'large foyer' where people mingled before rehearsal. In the performance area, there 'was four sections with chairs', and a piano. LAPQC had rehearsals every 'Wednesday and Saturday at seven.'

#### Trixie's house

The ensemble had one rehearsal here. Trixie had 'a messy lounge at the back of a large minimalistic house, a classy design of chrome and white and green, perhaps a relic of her days working as an accountant. The room at the end of the house was crowded wall to wall with bookshelves. A baby grand piano that looked like it had seen better days – but had a voice like a dream – was set into the corner, by so many different books on different subjects that Efnisien immediately wanted a library like that hers.'

#### University

The university campus was very 'park-like and green', with 'mature verdant trees and little winding pathways and even quaint street signs made of white powder-coated wrought iron pointing to different buildings . . . The buildings themselves were made of a federation-style red brick, and many were two or three storeys. The only building that was taller was the library.' The visitor parking lot was at the front, with 'big garden beds filled with flowers.'

Professor Adayemi's building 'was mazelike', and filled with art, a lot of which was Afrofuturism: 'some were huge canvas paintings and others were small ink drawings'. Professor Adayemi's office 'had a huge bookshelf behind her desk chair filled with a lot of the books she referenced in her papers. There were so many stacks of journals that new piles had started beside the bookshelf.'

#### Weyher

An 'affluent little holiday town' Crielle's parents used to like. Winterpond Peak is near there. There's 'a little café strip where Arden ducked into a fancy-looking place and ordered takeout for [Efnisien and himself], and then he’d driven them to a carpark lookout a few minutes away, now surrounded by nature instead of houses and restaurants.' There's a store here where Arden and Efnisien stopped to pick up food for their trip to the Shelter.

#### Winery

A small winery Arden took Efnisien to. There was a big cafe, and outside was 'a little laneway lined with wisteria arches, and roses, and more bees than Efnisien had seen in a while. A small distance from the café, were a few tables in the shade of large trees with broad, deep green leaves. Here, the tables were more spaced out – there were only two others – and only one had a couple sitting there, keeping an eye on young kids playing nearby.' Away from the tables was 'farm equipment, and rows of vines, with their bright green leaves.'

## Quotations

* Arden to Efnisien: 'You’re hostile, creepy, furtive and behave like someone who hasn’t been in a bookstore before. You don’t care about your hair and your clothing is old and unkempt, even if it looks clean. Now, do you want the book or not?'
* 'But he couldn’t bear foods high in fat anymore, and he couldn’t eat large meals anymore, and he’d never much cared about food in the first place. The fact was, sometimes Efnisien swapped Gwyn’s plate with his own while Crielle wasn’t looking. Not often, but sometimes. Crielle didn’t label leftovers in the fridge to let people know what was Gwyn’s and what belonged to everyone else, and she sometimes forgot to give Efnisien a heads up. It didn’t happen often, but he’d eaten poisoned food intended for Gwyn and while he found it kind of hilarious, it left him thinking that eating was more than it was cracked up to be.'
* Dr Gary to Efnisien: 'I think you’re a fully-fledged human being who’s having to learn some formative skills that you didn’t get to pick up at appropriate intervals during your development, so you’re picking up some of them now and working very hard to do so. So, yes, I think you’re a person.'
* To Gwyn: 'That’s me,’ Efnisien said finally. ‘Getting safer to be around for three years and counting.'
* To Arden: 'I’m not a good person,’ Efnisien said quickly.'
* Arden to Efnisien: 'I get to decide whether I’m polite to you, actually. You don’t get to decide that.'
* Dr Gary: 'Efnisien, this therapeutic relationship is predicated on you being willing to work with me in order to grow and heal as a person. As long as you turn up willing to grow and heal, even if you don’t feel like that’s what you’re doing in the moment, I will turn up and meet you halfway. I am not tired of you.'
* To Arden: 'No, like, I know I’m okay looking,’ Efnisien said. ‘Just… It doesn’t matter what I look like.'
* Arden to Efnisien: 'Listen, I don’t know about you, but most of the worst people in the world don’t go around just kind of blurting out what they’ve done like they expect to be killed for it. I believe that you’ve done those things. I do. I’m still thinking about how to parse them, honestly, with who you are.'
* To Arden: 'I did shitty things. And now I’m trying not to do them anymore.'
* Dr Gary to Efnisien: 'I’m sorry it hurts so much'
* 'Most people thought the opera was pretentious. Efnisien mostly found it more distracting than listening to symphonies on their own. He just wanted to focus on the instruments in the orchestra. He wanted to find all the different threads of instrumentation and hold them just so in his mind. Opera ruined it.'
* Efnisien to Arden: 'Am I some kind of test? . . . Are you testing yourself? Is that it? I don’t want to be a test. I want to go home.'
* Arden to Efnisien, about Laurie: 'You remind me of things I liked about him most, his best qualities. That he was trying. That he did shit other people hated him for, but you know what, I don’t know how, he found something decent and held onto it and worked on that instead. He never once asked me to forgive him. He never pressured me into minimising any of it. He took it more seriously than I did, in some of his letters.'
* To Efnisien: 'I have it on good authority that even though I overshare like there’s no tomorrow, I’m actually fun to be around!’ Arden said, humming like he was considering it. ‘Anyway, I think I’m fun to be around. You’re probably having Arden-withdrawals.'
* Arden: 'You told me yourself that you haven’t hurt anyone – including animals – for three years, Efnisien. You’ve chosen that. You seem really committed to it.'
* 'Efnisien ap Wledig doesn’t believe he’s worth nice things,’ Arden said, like a television announcer, or a theatrical movie voiceover.'
* Efnisien: 'he hadn’t been into women since Crielle. He’d always assumed it was because she was like, The One. She was the only one. He’d found his true love early, as a child, and even though she was too good for him, he didn’t need anyone else. Except maybe Gwyn. Who was like Crielle but… but different.'
* To Arden: 'People like me deserve some trauma,’ Efnisien said.'
* To Efnisien: 'It’s hard for people to understand how great I am when they first meet me? . . . It’s okay,’ Arden said, grinning and shoving about half of the giant piece of cookie into his mouth at once. ‘You’ll realise how great I am one day, and just accept it.'
* 'Seeing Gwyn with more flesh on him, with more softness to his face, it was a strange kind of haunting relief. Sometimes when they were growing up, Efnisien daydreamed about watching Gwyn enjoying like a slice of cake or a chocolate bar or something, things that Efnisien had never seen happen, things that never happened.'
* To Efnisien: 'Arden laughed. ‘I’m a terrible target. Pick someone weaker.'
* Arden to Efnisien: 'You’re polite and communicative and cooperative, you’re always very aware of the space you take up around other people, and check in frequently to see if you’re still welcome. You frequently remind people – or at least me – that you don’t have to be there, and you’ve given me plenty of outs from the beginning, in case I found anything about you difficult.'
* Arden to Efnisien: 'You feel good in my arms.'
* To Dr Gary: 'I patted a dog!’ Efnisien said.'
* Dr Gary to Efnisien: 'You said that Arden seemed annoyed that Mika had brought him up by name in session. He was right to be annoyed. Arden may have a public persona or a reputation, but he should have had a choice in sharing when you found out about that personal information. Certainly, it should not have been revealed so explicitly and quickly in a private session in the way that it was. Mika would have apologised more thoroughly, but you were already in the midst of an intrusive thought and we decided it would be better if you could debrief with me, afterwards. . . . Don’t misunderstand me, I think your connection to Arden is meaningful and important, and has been – at least so far – good for you from what you’ve told me. However, you shouldn’t be learning to trust people based on authority figures telling you who is trustworthy. Part of the work we do here, is ensuring you have the skills to know who is trustworthy yourself. Not only that, but Mika only knows Arden in his professional capacity, that is not the same as knowing him behind closed doors.'
* 'You have – for the most part – been willing to try any technique I’ve suggested at least once, even if you’ve needed a couple of sessions to understand it better or get more information on the technique, which you do out of caution, and not because you want to make my job harder. You are incredibly cognisant of the fact that you can be combative and hostile, and mitigate those behaviours when you’re aware enough to catch them, or when you have the will to do so. You have never hurt me, even when I can see that you clearly want to, you have shown remarkable self-restraint around your own impulses. And in three years, despite enduring the suffering that this kind of work can bring, you still pay attention to what I say, even when you disagree with it. . . . Because of that,’ Dr Gary said, ‘I see you as an interesting client, not a bad one. Not a ‘pain in the ass.’ There’s no such thing as good clients and bad clients. And if we’re taking it down to actions – harmful actions and helpful ones, unhealthy and healthy – your actions indicate that you are doing your best. You show up and do the work. I have clients who repeatedly come late. I have clients who forget their sessions. I have clients who have tried to genuinely hurt me, and I have clients who have almost no interest in helping themselves. I don’t even think of them as bad clients, but they’re certainly more challenging than you are.' . . . 'So I’m not challenging?’ Efnisien said mutinously. Dr Gary smiled. ‘If you weren’t challenging, you wouldn’t be seeing me. But on the spectrum of clients that I see, your progress is refreshing.'
* Dr Gary to Efnisien: 'If you consider joining up with a group or a club, I don’t want you to tell those people about your past. I want you to give yourself the gift of a fresh start. . . . I want you to give the person you’ve been for the last three years a chance. I want you to start honouring the fact that you haven’t hurt anyone for three years, and that perhaps your first foot forward shouldn’t involve disclosing to everyone crimes that you’ve committed in the past, that you are making conscious choices to avoid in the present.'
* Arden to Efnisien: 'You’ve been the best thing to happen in the shop all day.'
* 'Efnisien,’ Dr Gary said, his voice hard. ‘I can section you into Hillview if I think you’re a danger to yourself. And that includes not seeking timely, life-saving healthcare. I know you and I have a mutual understanding that you have what you call a ‘casual death-wish.''
* 'Acts of extreme violence are not restorative or reparative,’ Dr Gary said soberly. ‘A person who inflicts extreme violence on another person is not ever acting from a place of high justice or retributive justice or righteousness, even if they act like they are and both parties pretend that it makes sense. You encountered someone who needs anger management, who likely cannot process his own powerlessness over what happened to his sister. His distress and his upset are real, but he repairs and restores nothing for his sister by harming you. He undoes none of the violence you initiated. That sort of violence is an inherently selfish act.'
* To Dr Gary: 'Crielle wasn’t ever going to go to jail,’ Efnisien said hoarsely. ‘But I guess I just wanted them both to have a chance. And Crielle was trying to make it so that Gwyn didn’t have any chances at all. She wanted… She wanted to destroy him. . . . I didn’t want him destroyed, or dead. . . . I didn't want them to see her as a victim'.
* 'He heard Arden talking to Isabelle in soft, warm tones, and thought if he believed in reincarnation, it might be nice to be a pet or a plant in Arden’s orbit.'
* 'He just couldn’t handle it. How easily Arden did everything. How he made every touch feel like it mattered.'
* Arden to Efnisien: 'No one heals in a vacuum of nothingness, with no support. No one…improves. No one chooses *not* to do crimes in a loveless world, full of loveless people, reinforcing their own loveless actions. And they certainly don’t have a good chance of surviving. It’s the paradox. If you want someone who’s done bad things to like, do less bad things, ironically, you *don’t* remove all their love and support and expect them to get better. You have to make sure they can *access* those things. That’s not implying you forgive them if you’re a victim, or that you even accept their actions.'
* 'You did want a dog?’ Dr Gary said. ‘Yeah!’ Efnisien said. ‘Yeah. Even if like, even if it would’ve loved Gwyn more. Which it would’ve. Because dogs know that Gwyn is a good person.'
* 'Gwyn visiting and checking up on him and just standing over him and talking about his life, because Efnisien’s never mattered. Which was fine, Efnisien was the bad guy and his life wasn’t supposed to matter. And sometimes he acted up to make sure Gwyn remembered that, and Gwyn went home to his lover and his dog and his life full of friends and work colleagues and Efnisien stayed in that apartment.'
* To Arden: 'I hate social media,’ Efnisien said tiredly. ‘So fucking much.'
* Efnisien thinking about Gwyn: 'They weren’t even like cousins anymore. Somewhere along the way, their connection had vanished, and Gwyn bought a book and gave it to him, and he made sure Efnisien was in his apartment – cell – and then he went home and probably worried about what would happen to other people if Efnisien went out to buy groceries.'
* Dr Gary to Efnisien about Gwyn: 'You tried to set a boundary with him, and he ignored you.'
* To Efnisien about Bridge and the choir: 'You see,’ Dr Gary continued blandly, ‘when a person is avoidant – as you can be – sometimes it’s easy to dress up an action designed to prevent you from feeling hurt and terrible, as a virtuous action designed to save others from who you believe yourself to be. Someone in your situation might genuinely feel that if they simply don’t see anyone at all, ever, and refuse to participate in the world, they are helping everyone else. Ultimately, those sorts of philosophies tend to hide a desperation to avoid being wounded.'
* To Arden: 'Why am I always like this when we go somewhere?’ Efnisien whispered, staring at the dashboard. ‘I just want to be fine.'
* Arden to Efnisien: 'I know I’m acting like this is easy, but I know it’s not. It’s challenging to do things like this. Especially for you. You’re demonstrating an immense amount of trust, but you don’t know me very well yet, and you definitely don’t know what to expect right now. I’m so proud that you’re trying so hard for me. You have no idea. But it’s also normal that you’re freaking out, or that you’re having times where it’s just too much, okay?'
* Arden to Efnisien: 'You’re not a supervillain. You’re just you. A person.'
* 'Gwyn once said he knew who all his monsters were and so he wasn’t afraid of any others. And he’d said it imperiously, while looking down his nose at Efnisien'
* Crielle to nine-year-old Efnisien: 'Darling, no one else wants you. Not your parents, not anyone else.'
* '*That’s my boyfriend,* Efnisien thought stupidly, and then smiled.'
* 'Love by default isn’t a virtuous emotion,’ [Dr Gary] said finally. ‘No emotion in and of itself is good or bad, this includes love. And the emotion of love can be conditional; it can be unconditional. It can be virtuous, and it can be used to excuse monstrous behaviour.'
* Arden to Efnisien: 'And if you’re not fine, I’m literally right here. I’ll catch you.'
* 'My goal in life isn’t happiness,’ Arden said, looking at Efnisien seriously. ‘Happiness is just an emotion, like other emotions, and it’s not an endpoint or a goal. It’s not sustainable and it can’t last. People who aim for it will feel like they’re failing at life when it disappears, when that is literally what happiness is meant to do; biologically, it can’t last. Happiness can only be strong if you have a strong connection to your other emotions, too. Anger, grief, even disgust. The saddest you’ve ever been is also how happy you can be, in a way. But that means my goal isn’t happiness. . . . I like authenticity. I’d much rather have an authentic experience with you than a happy one.'
* To Arden: 'But I always want things I’m not allowed,’ Efnisien said.'
* Efnisien on Crielle: 'He liked making her happy. He liked being background music to her melody.'
* To Efnisien, about Bridge: 'What can she see that’s more valuable than what Arden sees?’ Dr Gary asked.'
* Arden to Efnisien: 'I think I was initially fascinated with you because of everything with Laurie. But then I got to know you, as like, a person. And I stopped thinking about you that way.'
* To Dr Gary, about Crielle: 'You know,’ Efnisien said flatly, ‘I don’t know whether I liked her or not. That never really mattered very much. But I’m beginning to think she didn’t like me. And if that’s true, then like, no one did.'
* To Efnisien: 'We have years, sweetheart,’ Arden said.'
* To Arden about the disaster room: 'I like this room,’ Efnisien said. ‘But it sucks that it makes you feel the way it does.'
* 'I’m a monster, Arden,’ Efnisien said, his voice shaking. ‘You can’t ever, ever forget that.'
* Dr Gary: 'Efnisien, have you ever considered that love doesn’t have to be *painful?*'
* To Efnisien: 'Well. The thing is, sweetheart, I like the imperfect you,’ Arden said.'
* To Efnisien, about Henton: 'I’m still a person,’ Dr Gary said, ‘and as a human being, there are people in the world I don’t like very much, and I reserve the right to not work with them.'
* Efnisien, about Gwyn, when they lived at the An Fnwy mansion: '*He had to believe I was* *wanted. That I was more wanted than him.'*
* 'You tell me so often that you’ve gone through nothing at all, and nothing compared to what I’ve been through. You have like, *no idea*, do you? Oh, Ef, the day you start to realise what it all means, I’m going to be here. I’m going to be here for you.'
* Efnisien to Dr Gary: 'I’d seen that expression on Crielle’s face, and Gwyn’s, and Lludd’s. The whole family, except for Penny and Euro, because they were never there. The rest of my family have all seriously wanted to kill me at some point. . . . I don’t think I’ve ever really thought of that before. That all of them have wanted to kill me at some point or other.'
* To Arden, about Crielle: 'I wasn’t supposed to want things at all,’ Efnisien said. ‘Except what she wanted. You know. If she wanted me to be happy, I’d be happy. And if she wanted me to be mean, I’d be mean. And if she wanted me to wear certain pieces of clothing, I’d wear them, and I wasn’t supposed to wear anything else, or even want to wear anything else.'
* Arden to Efnisien: 'I’m…an onion of greatness.'
* To Nate: 'You’re so mean. I love that,’ Janusz said.'
* 'You’re like sunshine,’ Efnisien said. ‘You make everything bright.' . . . [Arden:] 'You know that’s why I call you sunshine, right? Because you make everything bright?'
* 'He didn’t want to look like he’d been struggling, because surely Arden didn’t need that? Crielle hated when he didn’t focus on her.'
* Dr Gary: ‘I suppose, if you like, it *is* childlike. But the child in us doesn’t just die as we get older, Efnisien. They remain with us forever. In the joy some people feel when they see baby animals. Or when adults buy colouring books for themselves. It’s in the pleasure of enjoying foods that are luxurious, or decadent, or nostalgic. Honouring that child is a very grown-up thing to do. Giving that child things that you were mocked for, or deprived of, is not only compassionate, it’s also mature.’
* To Kadek: ‘Oh no,’ Arden said, so scathing that Efnisien felt rooted to the spot. ‘It’s not *easy* for you anymore, how simply *horrible* for you. So why didn’t you stay the fuck out of it in the first place?’
* To Kadek: ‘You gave me a rice cooker,’ Efnisien said, his eyes still closed. ‘So you can be all of those things, but I still think you’re kind.’
* To Efnisien: ‘Maybe you’d find it harder to want to hurt people, if you knew more about them,’ Arden said simply'.
* 'There was such a strange, private privilege in being allowed to watch someone sleep. Arden’s baby face looked older when he was sleeping, like his youth was part of his personality, but not as much a part of his face as it seemed. Without his bright eyes, his quick grin, Efnisien could see the places where Arden was worn around the edges.'
* Arden: 'We both have issues with this stuff, huh? Maybe I packed some of yours too, in that suitcase.’ ‘The suitcase isn’t big enough,’ Efnisien muttered.'
* Efnisien: ‘I don’t get how anyone could look at me and *not* want to hurt me.’
* Efnisien, about Arden: 'he’d never hurt Efnisien the way Efnisien wanted to hurt himself.'
* Dr Gary to Efnisien: 'What we do works because it’s based in trust, not betrayal of that trust. I trust that if I create a safe enough environment, you’ll feel safe enough to explore difficult and painful subjects in a way that can be constructive. You trust that I won’t hurt you when you go to extremely vulnerable places, or that if I do hurt you, I can be held accountable, will apologise, and when necessary, change my behaviours. Force…has no place here, Efnisien.'
* Efnisien to Dr Gary: 'But how is it a goddamn achievement to see how fucking *broken* you are? Don’t you think Arden deserves better?’
* Dr Gary to Efnisien: ‘You have a partner. You work hard, you pay your rent and your bills, and you pay for these sessions. You have two groups that you attend, and you’re making friends. You were never a monster. You are a human being who is hurting badly, for extremely understandable reasons, who has been alone for a very long time. Of course it hurts. It’s *normal* that it hurts. It’s also unfair, and it sadly doesn’t change the fact that I have no quick fix for you, though I wish I did. I understand that you feel like you’re broken, or that you need to blame yourself for the pain you’re going through. I have no quick fix for that either. But how you’re feeling, how you’re reacting, goodness, there’s nothing broken about it at all. You’re having a reasonable reaction to unreasonable circumstances.’
* Dr Gary to Efnisien: 'you tend to look at every violent thought you have as automatically meaning something catastrophic. Efnisien, people do sometimes destroy toys, or other inanimate objects. Sometimes they do it out of anger. It isn’t alive. It’s an object made of cloth and stuffing and some artificial dye.’
* [About stuffed animals]: ‘Why do they get to be happy all the time?’ Efnisien said, his voice shaking like his breathing. ‘Why? That’s all. Why though? And *how?* I know…I know they’re not real but also…*how?* They were always so… Like nothing ever bothered them. Like everything was fine. Even- And how come they got to be like that? How come they got to be like that when I didn’t? It was like they were making fun of me. It was like, sometimes, they weren’t soft and nice at all, and like they were living in some world that…doesn’t exist . . . ‘What kind of world was that?’ Dr Gary asked. ‘A nice world,’ Efnisien said, swallowing the lump in his throat. ‘A good world. A place where…things smile and are…okay.’ ‘Where innocence is protected,’ Dr Gary said. ‘Where it’s okay to be cute, and smiling?’ ‘Innocence is the yoke that binds one to further manipulation,’ Efnisien said. ‘You have to get rid of it, or it will pull you down forever. That’s what Crielle used to say.’
* To Efnisien: ‘You really think I care enough to do something to you because I don’t like you? . . . It’s not even that I don’t like you,’ Nate added, making an impatient sound with his tongue. ‘It’s that you expect me to be invested in you either way. I mean, fucking hell, I obviously am, because Janusz and I take you to choir. But like…everything else is your shit and I don’t want it. . . . Except for the stuff that is my shit'.
* 'Efnisien felt like his eyes were going to bug out of his head when he saw all the music books. He nearly lurched forward and stopped himself at the last second. . . . Efnisien walked over quickly, dropping down to his knees and then dragging all of the books out. God, there were *heaps* here. Some from composers he recognised. Some must have been from movies, and video games, maybe even television shows. He flicked through some of them, putting aside the ones he liked the look of. There were too many to go through now, but he had to – just for a minute – resist the urge to hug them all. He hadn’t seen so many music books together in his life. He picked up about ten, and held them to his chest.'
* Arden to Frankie, Sasha (and Efnisien), about Efnisien, ‘He’s worth it.’
* Efnisien: 'his eyes were drawn to his rainbow of books, and his new plush jellyfish, and his shoulders relaxed. It was his. That was what mattered.'
* '‘You’re my favourite person,’ Arden said, flashing a grin at him. Efnisien stood there dumbly, while Arden walked back over to the table and grabbed the backpack with its coiled rope and rumpled pink shirt. And then in a minute, after a quick wave, he was gone. Only after the door closed and Efnisien had locked it behind him, did he think: *You’re my favourite person too.'*
* To Arden: ‘I *said* I had a good time,’ Efnisien said, his voice harder than before. ‘I literally *said that,* and then you told me I had to tell you *at least* three things I didn’t like about the play party. I wouldn’t have told you these things at all! Doesn’t the fact that I’m willing to go again mean anything? It’s not like I’m going to shun Flora and Bel, I just…am not really interested in going out of my way to see them do their thing. I’m not an idiot, but if you expected me to go and become best friends with everyone, then like… I mean, come on.’
* Efnisien: 'Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I should be happy about my achievements. Maybe I don’t get to be happy. Maybe that shouldn’t be allowed. You know what the people on Reddit and stuff say.’ ‘I don’t care about those people,’ Dr Gary said firmly. ‘They’ll never make a good conscience, Efnisien. You're experiencing guilt and remorse, but racing to punish yourself isn’t the answer, and it doesn’t offer anything tangibly supportive to the people you hurt.’
* Dr Gary to Efnisien: 'unfortunately it’s not your rational brain that picks where the sore points are.'
* Dr Gary: ‘I only get to hear your version of events if you choose to tell me. And that will always be your choice. *Always.* Efnisien, I am really sorry that I behaved in a way that hurt you, and took away your ability to consent to something, especially at a time when your consent had already been violated. And then it was violated again. I recognise I did that, and I’m sorry for it. I’ll never do it again. I know it’s not likely to happen again, but even so, your consent is extremely important to me.’ ‘But you had like, valid reasons,’ Efnisien said. Dr Gary took another breath, and Efnisien heard his sigh. ‘Whatever those reasons and excuses are, they might matter to me. They don’t have to matter to you. They don’t undo what I did in the first place.’
* Efnisien: 'But everything I knew about my life was different, and I couldn’t- I couldn’t make my own food or get my own food. I had no money. I had no control over when I was given meds, and people watched me until I took them, even though they knew I hated how they made me feel. I wasn’t allowed certain things. I got beaten up because I…didn’t understand how to behave. There were hardly any books to read, and when I said I was bored, my meds were upped. It was like I wasn’t a person anymore. Like, I had a name. But I had no identity, you know. I didn’t matter. . . . But all the way along, people with a lot more power than me were taking all my power away and trying to convince me it was for my own good, whether it was like, you, or Henton, or the cleaning staff, or the helpers, or the nurses, or whatever. More and more. You don’t realise you can lose the power to have a shower on your own, until you lose it. So every minute and every hour and every day, it’s just one more thing. Places in your life where you don’t even *know* they can take shit from you, and they take it, and they say it’s to help you. Well, no offense, but how is that any different to Crielle saying she was trying to help me when she didn’t let me make choices? . . . Hillview owned me, man. I was nothing there but a file. I know like, maybe I *mattered* to some people, but ultimately I was a job to everyone. . . . it doesn’t feel…nice. When you have basically no one else, to be reduced to a file that people can walk away from, it’s not…well. . . . These people aren’t my friends, or my family, and they tell me they’re helping me by taking everything away from me that wasn’t already taken in the first place. And I thought about how I didn’t know I could have so many things ruined, so what else would they ruin, if I said something? Maybe they all secretly agreed with him, you know? Why wouldn’t they? They think help is taking shit away. Not giving shit to people. I mean walls, sure. A shitty bed, sure. What else? Not *power.* But people like me shouldn’t have it, right? Hillview made that *super* clear.’
* To Dr Gary: ‘I don’t like sitting with feelings,’ Efnisien said.
* 'Efnisien liked listening to everyone saying their words in their own voices, the poems coming alive among the plants, as people sipped their beers or wines, or swung their legs back and forth on the stools or leaned back in their chairs.'
* ‘I’m broken,’ Efnisien said, smirking bitterly. ‘Everything scares me these days.’ [Gwyn]: ‘Maybe it’s to make up for nothing scaring you back then.’ Efnisien couldn’t even laugh. He felt his expression close up. Gwyn must have noticed. ‘You were scared then too?’
* 'Efnisien had been the one to ruin it all, really, because if he’d kept anything like common sense about him, he would never have gone to a place like this, never have believed he could have something like this. Of course he couldn’t. He was just an anchor around Arden’s neck, his dead albatross.'
* '*I just have to stand here, and do nothing, and everyone’s life is ruined.'*
* 'Arden had been so generous, inviting Efnisien into his world, and Efnisien had ruined all of it. Arden cared too much, he was too sweet, too kind. He didn’t understand how awful Efnisien was. He still didn’t understand. Efnisien was shocked that Arden had tried to defend him like that. He’d never asked for that, he didn’t even want it.'
* 'Arden was too nice, and Efnisien must have tricked him into it somehow. Arden would never make the right decision and end the relationship; he was obviously too self-sacrificing to preserve his life as it was. Efnisien had to make the right decision for him.'
* *'‘I hate you,’ Efnisien said . . . ‘Thank you for talking to me,’ Dr Gary said.'*
* Efnisien: '‘I shouldn’t have called you.’ ‘I’m so glad you did,’ Dr Gary said.'
* '‘I know you can do this,’ Dr Gary said to Efnisien'
* Vicki to Efnisien: '‘You do need some mental health support, but that doesn’t mean you’re useless at all. As far as I recall from speaking to Dr Gary, you have a job, you have a place to live. Even if you didn’t have those things, you still wouldn’t be useless. But it’s a horrible feeling, I know, to feel like no one should have anything to do with you. No wonder you’re so sad.'
* 'Grateful to have anything to do, Efnisien reached for a pencil, and decided to try colouring in despite the gauze on a couple of his fingertips, sniffing every few minutes and feeling shaky. He started with the colour green.'
* ‘Hmm,’ Vicki said. ‘So you don’t just think no one should be with you, and that you should be totally alone, and that you deserve to be alone, but now you’re also trying to turn me against you? Efnisien, hon, that brain of yours is like a full-time job with overtime. You don’t even get *paid.* Lord, there’s not even a *union.’*
* Arden to Efnisien: ‘I think it’s really important we learn how to live around what you can and can’t handle. And you don’t know what those things are yet, but we’re both learning.’
* To Dr Gary: ‘I don’t think he knows me as a person,’ Efnisien said. ‘Like, he knows the worst parts of me, and he’ll always remember those parts and that’s…like necessary for him. He has to do that. But he doesn’t treat any other part of me that well. He tries sometimes. And other times he doesn’t try at all, and he just says the most random casual shit, like I’m a constant afterthought. And I’ve stressed him out now, and all I can think is that I’m tired of caring about that.’
* Psychiatrist to Efnisien: 'I’m impressed – honestly – that you’ve been doing well for so long. You went through that, and everything else, and whatever brought you in here, and we’re only just seeing you *now?* You haven’t been readmitted to Hillview, you’ve been working, you have a place to live. You know, it probably doesn’t feel like much sometimes, but those achievements are *amazing.* Aside from the fact that you have pretty bad white coat hypertension – and who wouldn’t, after what you went through? – you’re doing *great,* man.’
* ‘I get to see you,’ Arden said. ‘No, but that’s…you get to see me a lot,’ Efnisien said. [Arden]: ‘Then it’s like my birthday all the time.’
* To Efnisien: ‘And I’m one year older,’ Arden said dismissively. ‘I have a boyfriend I love. I’m finally starting to realise that work-life balance means more than just working and scraping in bits and pieces of life around the edges.'
* Efnisien to Kadek: ‘If you’re just going to insult my home you can like, get out and take your shopping with you. I can insult my home just fine without you here.’
* Efnisien to Gwyn: 'There’s a part of me that would keep seeing you forever. It’s more like…it’s just not good for me. Our relationship isn’t really that healthy, and I can’t make it be healthy, and you can’t make it be healthy, given where we’re both at. I need like a few years to…try things on my own for a bit. Maybe it will help you too.'
* ‘I don’t think you want to know what Dr Gary says about our visits,’ Efnisien said, almost laughing. ‘But he’s definitely not against this decision.’ [Gwyn]: ‘I don’t think he’s ever liked me.’ ‘I mean he doesn’t know you. He mostly knows you through the lens of me being often really fucked up after you visit. But also like, Dr Gary stays focused, you’re someone I abused, and you and I can’t unmake that.’
* Efnisien: 'I get hurt by some of the assumptions you make, the things you say. When you’re kind to me, or nice, I always think you dispense it like it’s a gift, something I should be wildly grateful for. I’m tired of feeling like I have to earn people being decent to me, or like I don’t deserve it anyway and when I get it, I have to act like it’s more than I deserve. There’s nothing wrong with you, Gwyn. I just… Sometimes it’s nice to know that people like you for who you are.’
* To Efnisien: ‘This person who is like, sitting in front of me now, I want to get to know him,’ Gwyn said. ‘But at the same time… I don’t know if I can.’
* To Efnisien: ‘Yeah, *please* let me buy you stuff, I’m really invested in doing it,’ Arden said, laughing weakly. ‘I know I can’t make up for anything you’ve gone through, but I’d just…like you to have more nice things.'
* Arden to Efnisien: ‘Everyone’s dependent on other people. *Everyone.* Most of the ways we’re dependent on others are completely invisibilised, like, I’m dependent on someone else to make the car I drive, and to service that car, and to change the brake pads, and to redo all my tyres at once. I’m dependent on the people who made this food so I could get us Thai. And we’re all dependent on the farmers who grew that food. I’m dependent on strangers I’ve never met who made my clothing and made the dyes for that clothing. I’m dependent on people every single day. So are you. The *only* difference is that some of the ways you’re dependent are a bit more obvious in an ableist society, or a society that is systemically dependent on cars and vehicles to get places.'
* To Efnisien: ‘I just don’t…want to think about you not being here one day,’ Arden said, his voice choked. ‘And I have to think about it. It’s something I have to talk to Imogen about, because it could happen. And it’s more likely to happen with you than it is with like…the average person. And most of the time it’s fine. But this week it’s just been so hard. I think after we got to spend time together on the weekend, it was like realising all over again what I could’ve lost.’
* Dr Gary to Efnisien: ‘*Or,* perhaps instead of fixing it, what Arden needed was for his boyfriend to be there for him and comfort him regarding a subject he feels emotional and scared over. Maybe this isn’t something you need to fix or solve, maybe everything you did was enough. Maybe you’re enough as you are, Efnisien.’
* Efnisien: 'It was hard, sometimes, figuring out how to be a person.'
* To Efnisien: ‘Maybe if I wasn’t with you, my life would be easier,’ Arden said, meeting Efnisien’s eyes and smiling. ‘But loving you isn’t hard.'
* Efnisien: ‘Who feels bad after something good?’ ‘People who haven’t experienced much good in their lives,’ Dr Gary said. ‘People for whom good things were often conditional or were earned through sacrifices no one would expect from anyone, let alone children. Honestly, it’s more common than you’d think, even outside of cases of severe trauma.’
* Efnisien: 'It was hard to acknowledge that he might always need to rest after things a lot of other people didn’t need to rest for.'
* Efnisien to Arden: 'the person I fell in love with had a really insane packed schedule and it’s not like that makes me love you less.'
* Kadek to Efnisien on the former's love of Minions: 'I appreciate how something obnoxious and kind of cute can have such power over people and their responses. They’re just yellow jellybeans in their design, they wear denim, and yet… I don’t know, it’s kind of fun watching people respond to something and give it power over them.’
* To Nate about Arden: ‘Nothing about him erodes who I am,’ Efnisien said finally. ‘And I think it’s the same for him, with me.'
* To Nate about Arden: '‘Dude won’t walk somewhere if he can run there,’ Efnisien said, laughing.'
* 'Efnisien marvelled at his expanding life, and how radical it was in its ordinariness.'
* Dr Gary to Efnisien: 'Life is on your terms now; the window is *yours'.*
* Efnisien: '‘A better kid would’ve said no.’ ‘You did say no,’ Dr Gary said.'
* To Efnisien: ‘You’re doing amazing,’ Arden said, reaching out and squeezing his hand again. ‘You get better at it all the time.’
* ‘I already have everything,’ Efnisien whispered to Arden. ‘I don’t know what to wish for.’
* 'Making friends with men who were emotionally open, who talked about themselves and their lives, it had changed everything for Efnisien. Even quiet Frankie, the druid and forest man who Sasha loved, knitting while watching a television show about gardening…it had opened Efnisien’s eyes to a world of men who weren’t about machismo, or toughness, or proving themselves by demonstrating how much pain they could take without flinching. Arden said when things hurt him, he hugged Kadek and they touched each other easily, affectionately. Even Kadek, who joked all the time about being emotionally unavailable, was supportive and empathetic, able to say when he was worried or scared.'
* 'Efnisien owed him apologies for more than what happened between them as children. Gwyn owed him apologies too, and maybe one day Efnisien would ask for them.'

## Trivia

* Arden was Efnisien's first friend. Arden's relationship with Efnisien is Arden's first romantic relationship, making Efnisien Arden's first boyfriend. They officially entered into their more-than-friends relationship in Chapter 22: Karma. They started negotiating their contract in Chapter 30: Parameters. Arden first said 'I love you' in Chapter 57: Sleepover. Efnisien particularly likes when Arden is watching TV and Efnisien is at his side, and Arden pets his hair.
* Efnisien originally negotiated a number system with Dr Gary whereby he would communicate how bad his intrusive thoughts are. They also worked out a system whereby Dr Gary had to ask to take notes during sessions. He and Dr Gary also created an emergency plan for when Efnisien is in crisis, though Efnisien avoids using it or giving it to people. Efnisien additionally 'willingly put [a] block on his own computer, hacking a childproof safety program for his own use, and making sure any variation of [Crielle's] name would result in a pop up that flashed' a warning reminding him not to search for information on her.
* Dr Gary did a re-assessment of Efnisien for the first time in the story in Chapter 13: Landmark.
* Dr Gary and Efnisien have tried many techniques for Efnisien's mental health, including 'Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy' ('ERP'), 'Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing' ('EMDR'), EFT (which was very bad for Efnisien), and schema therapy. Henton tried management and association techniques like humming when intrusive thoughts occurred, but Efnisien just ended up hating the music he picked to the point he can't listen to Chopin anymore, because it triggers intrusive thoughts. Dr Gary and Efnisien have had success with bilateral techniques.
* When Efnisien was in the hospital after being stabbed, he contracted peritonitis, which worsened, and had to have another round of surgery to save his life. It still gives him stomach pain at times. 'He was meant to go back and see the specialists every three months, but he couldn’t afford it. He hadn’t been able to afford it for two years. He was still alive, wasn’t he? And the pain was bad, but it was the same. It was the same amount of bad. Random cramps sometimes, random waves of pain, and they did say that Crielle had sheared through some nerves and pain was just…going to happen.' Efnisien still claimed his original wounds were self-inflicted.
* During Efnisien's first session with Mika (and Dr Gary), they talked a lot about different sexualities, but Efnisien had a flashback to Lludd's abuse, and talked with Mika in private about asexuality and sex aversion, but Efnisien started getting nervous and self-harming, though he was largely good at self-regulating his distress. But then he started having bad intrusive thoughts, so Dr Gary ended the session with Mika.
* Efnisien never really cared for fashion, outside of its usefulness in hunting. Back when he lived at the An Fnwy mansion, he wore a lot of white for hunting, and sometimes blue. Crielle always picked out his clothes. It was only when Arden pointed out how terrible Efnisien's clothes looked that Efnisien started taking an interest in his appearance. Efnisien thinks jumpers look comfortable and cosy, in part because he's more easily cold lately. He bought a grey one, as one of the first pieces of clothing he'd purchased in some time, along with a pair of black jeans. The second time Efnisien went to a beach, which was his first outing with Arden, Arden gave him a beige wool scarf to keep warm. When he was younger, he bought 'a shirt in a music store with Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov’s face on it', since 'Scheherazade Opus 35 was one of his favourite symphonic suites to listen to while he studied', and 'wore it to bed until the print of Rimsky-Korsakov’s face flaked away'. When he was able to save more after Dr Gary instituted the scaled session fees, Efnisien bought more jumpers, including a pale blue one.
* On top of running 'courses, classes and workshops' at clubs, Arden also runs a YouTube channel. He also reads at The Cosy Book Corner and to kids in their book club.
* Arden's tried a variety of different hobbies over the years, including candle-making, ribbon bows, quilting, baking, Legos, fermentation and brewing, and knitting. Efnisien has noted he's a very good singer, and has a 'quiet, husky voice.'
* In judo terms, Arden is good at sutemi, and best at asaekomi-waza, but likes kansetsu-waza the most. He also took muay Thai and mixed martial arts for a time.
* Arden's parents separated, likely after Laurie went to Hillview and revealed what Arden and Laurie's father had been doing to Laurie. Arden's father cut off contact with Laurie after that. Arden's mother also cut off contact with Laurie, and said 'good riddance' when Laurie died. Arden said that his father is incapable of remorse. Arden also has a cousin who works as a vet and dog rescuer. She's really the only family member he keeps in touch with.
* Although Efnisien is a fast typist (170 words per minute), he no longer uses social media, because it used to be just for hunting, though he did join a Whatsapp conversation started by Janusz with Nate, so the three of them could chat. He didn't watch television growing up, and his only real form of art entertainment outside the Internet was going to the opera with Crielle, symphonies on his own, studying, or reading. Although he didn't graduate from Murdock, he was 'in line to be Dux', though Efnisien shrugs off his intelligence.
* Efnisien had video games installed on his desktop that mostly 'allowed him to kill people and animals and sometimes even his own character. He didn’t care about the names or titles of the games, he looked for things that people wanted banned, he looked for the games that weren’t supposed to exist and he bought them.' As a child, Efnisien found comfort in stuffed animals, but Crielle's insistence that he act like an adult and be a 'little man' made him hate his weakness for relying on them, and he'd sometimes destroy them. He enjoyed maths as a child, until Crielle pressured him to be more 'refined'.
* Efnisien plays piano. He liked Max Richter. Crielle and Gwyn would sometimes listen to him play, though Gwyn wouldn't stay until Efnisien was finished. His piano teacher would hit him with a metal ruler when his posture was wrong to the point of bruising. He was very excited to have access to Kadek's music books. He used to sing in the tenor section when he attended LAPQC rehearsals. He attended opera with Crielle, but never really cared for it, and stopped going when he was 16. He does, however, like Arden's singing.
* When Efnisien bought true crime books during bad patches of his recovery after leaving Hillview, Dr Gary found out and encouraged him to get rid of them, so Efnisien 'placed them all in a metal bin in a shitty park and set them alight and someone called the police and Efnisien was sectioned against his will for 48 hours for being resistant to arrest. Dr Gary vouched for him, got him out and threatened to remand him back to Hillview if he didn’t ‘pull it together.'
* Arden introduced Efnisien to fidget dice and mandarins. Efnisien also likes chocolate, though he doesn't often buy it for himself, largely because of Crielle. He really likes donuts, though he also hasn't had any until recently since he was young.
* LAPQC had a Youth Pride section for underage members.
* The ensemble usually meets on Monday nights.
* Efnisien initially requested fewer hours with the data company, before leaving entirely.
* As a child, Efnisien actually wanted a pet dog. He cares for Isabelle currently, though he's still afraid of hurting her. Efnisien rescued a *Cornu aspersum* in Chapter 33: Snail. He noted that Crielle hated snails, which were common on their estate. Efnisien also de-dusted Dr Gary's office plant. He growingly appears to enjoy just being around nature.
* Efnisien refers to his biological parents by their first names (typically their nicknames, 'Penny' and 'Euro'), and called Crielle - on the rare occasions she allowed it - 'Mama'. Penny and Euro hated when people guessed the origin of Efnisien's name wrong, but Efnisien never cared, and found his name annoying.
* Efnisien's family are atheists. 'They’d attended different religious events over the years, because of funding, or reputation, because Crielle and Lludd were gathering intelligence, and Efnisien had only attended a few. He’d never sort of understood it.'
* Efnisien used to refer to Gwyn as 'Gwynnifer' to be insulting (in his head).
* Efnisien doesn't like people calling him 'darling', because it's what Crielle called him, and possibly 'little man' for the same reasons. He disliked 'Effles', the nickname Ash and Augus gave him, and dislikes being called 'Twink', 'Pretty boy', 'Hermes', 'Daddy', 'Sir', or other things rather than his actual name, at least by people who aren't Arden, because it's usually someone disrespecting him as a person, or at least ignoring his boundaries, and Arden's nicknames for him are also pre-negotiated. Arden's pet names for Efnisien include:
	+ Baby (briefly off-limits due to Efnisien's memories of Penny)
	+ Sweetheart
	+ Babydoll/Doll
	+ Sleeping Beauty
	+ Gorgeous
	+ Sweetface
	+ Princess/my special princess
	+ Babygirl
	+ Buttercup
	+ Sunshine/my very best ray of sunshine
	+ Angel
	+ Babe
	+ Good boy
	+ My flower/my sweet flower/my soft little flower/flower/good flower
	+ Beautiful one
	+ Dove
	+ Butterfly
	+ My special boy
	+ Sugar
	+ My love
	+ Space boy
	+ Little scamp
	+ Hon
* Efnisien's names for Arden:
	+ My boyfriend
	+ Little dude
	+ My sleepy (sleepy) Arden

* Efnisien suggested the emoji system he and Arden use so that Efnisien could better communicate his mood, as a compromise to Arden's suggestion of texting.
* Sasha used to have plant or nature blindness, and Efnisien still seems to have it.
* Efnisien's birthday is August 24th. Arden's is November 29th, and he spends part of one in the hospital with Efnisien. Kadek's is sometime in November or September. In the current story, Kadek is turning 40. Efnisien didn't talk about his birthday with Arden prior to being asked about it because birthdays weren't celebrated at the An Fnwy mansion, at least for Efnisien and Gwyn, and any events Crielle and Lludd had for themselves were 'fundraisers or political schmoozing'. Kadek and Arden threw a surprise party for Efnisien's 21st birthday in Chapter 138: Surprises.
* The story begins some time in June. The talk with Gwyn where Efnisien tells Gwyn they shouldn't see each other for a few years is sometime in December.
* Efnisien read a poem aloud to Nate and Leo in Chapter 83: Blessings.
* Dr Gary finds tardigrades interesting, and their names 'sweet'.
* Gwyn sent Efnisien a link to a photo album of Crielle, Lludd, and Efnisien when Efnisien became an outpatient.
* An animation of Efnisien reading underwater, surrounded by snails and a floating Adorabilis by fluister.

## Image Gallery

Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig and Arden Mercury by justsomeperson1920 https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig holding a potted plant by justsomeperson1920 https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Fanart of Efnisien Ap Wledig reading a book by justsomeperson1920 https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig by justsomeperson1920 https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Cover art for "Falling Falling Stars" by Pia Foxhall https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61963767-falling-falling-starsFanart of Efnisien ap Wledig by Ailuros Creations https://ailuroscreations.tumblr.com/Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig with a plushie of Adorabilis resting on his head by justsomeperson1920 https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig and Arden Mercury walking into a room by justsomeperson1920 https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig by justsomeperson1920 https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig reading an orange book by justsomeperson1920 https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Fanart of Arden Mercury carrying Isabelle by justsomeperson1920 inspired by Chapter 63: Awake https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig playing piano by applecrookFanart of Efnisien ap Wledig by Ailuros Creations https://ailuroscreations.tumblr.com/Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig with Adorabilis by corviidaee/pavlovslola https://corviidaee.tumblr.com/Fanart of Crielle ap Nudd by Ailuros Creations https://ailuroscreations.tumblr.com/Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig by suis0u https://suis0u.tumblr.com/post/625179808333217792/efnisien-ap-wledig-my-little-new-obsession-andFanart of Arden Mercury at the Cosy Book Corner by suis0u https://suis0u.tumblr.com/post/627319180643926016/hey-grumpy-guts-arden-said-from-behind-theFanart of Miss Mercury Rising and Arden Mercury by suis0u https://suis0u.tumblr.com/post/628948036922621952/efnisien-was-staring-at-a-photo-on-the-fridge-andFanart of Efnisien ap Wledig with a bookshelf by Allrenn https://budapester-pflaume.tumblr.com/post/625523634208980992/show-chapter-archiveFanart of Dr Mika Ferguson by Allrenn https://budapester-pflaume.tumblr.com/post/630174899039879168Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig by Allrenn https://budapester-pflaume.tumblr.com/post/627777241006407680/the-last-chapter-of-falling-falling-stars-gave-meFanart of Arden Mercury by Allrenn https://budapester-pflaume.tumblr.com/post/626917870660681729Fanart of Arden Mercury as a rainbow siren by Allrenn https://budapester-pflaume.tumblr.com/post/630174899039879168Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig by justsomeperson1920 https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig in his blue jumper with his satchel by justsomeperson1920 https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Crochet plush of mer-octopus Arden Mercury and Adorabilis by Ace https://www.instagram.com/p/CFLDffVCQ2e/?utm\_source=ig\_web\_copy\_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CD3OA3uCTbm/?utm\_source=ig\_web\_copy\_linkCrochet plush of MerEfnisien by Ace https://www.instagram.com/martadelsordo/Crocheted plush of MerEfnisien and Mer-octopus Arden by Ace https://www.instagram.com/p/CFLDffVCQ2e/?utm\_source=ig\_web\_copy\_linkFanart of Efnisien ap Wledig and Arden Mercury by CharlieFanart of Efnisien ap Wledig hugging Arden Mercury by CharlieFanart of Adorabilis and Efnisien ap Wledig by bluedooratthebeachFanart of Crielle ap Nudd by thegraphitepencils https://thegraphitepencils.tumblr.com/post/665893640153022464/drawing-of-not-poignant-s-crielle-shes-such-aFanart of Efnisien ap Wledig with his stomach wound by justsomeperson1920 https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Fanart of Arden Mercury hugging Efnisien ap Wledig by Fluister https://fluister.tumblr.com/post/670838062325088256/happy-birthday-not-poignant-hope-you-had-anFanart of Efnisien ap Wledig with his dumbo octopus plush by justsomeperson1920 https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig by justsomeperson1920 https://www.instagram.com/justsomeperson1920/Fanart of Arden Mercury at the play party by ElkingArt https://twitter.com/ElkingArt?s=20Fanart of Efnisien ap Wledig rescuing the snail by Swifty-fox from Chapter 33: Snail https://twitter.com/Swifty\_f0x/status/1551936113878745089?s=20&t=GBWtdGnHMJ7aHhiVILEieA
## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 23 August 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/83049817. Chapter 79: Hermes.
2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 2.5 2.6 2.7 2.8 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 22 July 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/61711762. Chapter 3: Threshold.
3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.5 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 26 January 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/71175363. Chapter 44: Liar.
4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 26 February 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/73079355. Chapter 49: Park.
5. ↑ 5.00 5.01 5.02 5.03 5.04 5.05 5.06 5.07 5.08 5.09 5.10 5.11 5.12 5.13 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 28 August 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/63645757. Chapter 16: Isabelle.
6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 6.2 6.3 6.4 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 5 April 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/75177210. Chapter 56: Empathy.
7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 7 March 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/73587480. Chapter 51: Velvet.
8. ↑ 8.0 8.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 27 December 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/69488658. Chapter 41: Lludd.
9. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 7 April 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/75299178. Chapter 57: Sleepover.
10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 10.2 10.3 10.4 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 4 May 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/96977238. Chapter 123: Care.
11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 11.2 11.3 11.4 11.5 11.6 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 11 February 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/99058941. Chapter 129: Relief.
12. ↑ 12.0 12.1 12.2 12.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 20 July 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/61602112. Chapter 2: Green.
13. ↑ 13.0 13.1 13.2 13.3 13.4 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 26 July 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/61925272. Chapter 5: Arden.
14. ↑ 14.00 14.01 14.02 14.03 14.04 14.05 14.06 14.07 14.08 14.09 14.10 14.11 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 26 July 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/61936480. Chapter 6: Crash.
15. ↑ 15.0 15.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 8 August 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/62631142. Chapter 9: Nine.
16. ↑ 16.0 16.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 7 August 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/62581294. Chapter 8: Uncosy.
17. ↑ 17.0 17.1 17.2 17.3 17.4 17.5 17.6 17.7 17.8 17.9 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 20 July 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/61598329. Chapter 1: Forty Five.
18. ↑ 18.0 18.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 13 August 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/62885818. Chapter 10: Tantrum.
19. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 4 July 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/100356846. Chapter 133: No Pressure.
20. ↑ 20.0 20.1 20.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 23 July 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/61765810. Chapter 4: Gwyn.
21. ↑ 21.0 21.1 21.2 21.3 21.4 21.5 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 8 February 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/71918397. Chapter 46: Giving.
22. ↑ 22.0 22.1 22.2 22.3 22.4 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 12 November 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/87382570. Chapter 91: Spirals.
23. ↑ 23.0 23.1 23.2 23.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 29 December 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/89864170. Chapter 97: Innocence.
24. ↑ 24.0 24.1 24.2 24.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 6 January 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/90352912. Chapter 98: Preliminary.
25. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 17 February 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/92774290. Chapter 107: Family.
26. ↑ 26.0 26.1 26.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 23 August 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/63389401. Chapter 14: Patterns.
27. ↑ 27.0 27.1 27.2 27.3 27.4 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 7 September 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/64145071. Chapter 18: Cards.
28. ↑ 28.0 28.1 28.2 28.3 28.4 28.5 28.6 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 8 October 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/65629096. Chapter 22: Karma.
29. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 26 October 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/66463360. Chapter 27: Hypervigilance.
30. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 25 November 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/67821004. Chapter 34: Misunderstood.
31. ↑ 31.0 31.1 31.2 31.3 31.4 31.5 31.6 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 17 December 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/68924475. Chapter 39: Post-Mortem.
32. ↑ 32.0 32.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 18 March 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/74189430. Chapter 53: Words.
33. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 23 May 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/77853479. Chapter 66: Awkward.
34. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 31 May 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/78312629. Chapter 68: Sparklers II.
35. ↑ 35.0 35.1 35.2 35.3 35.4 35.5 35.6 35.7 35.8 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 10 February 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/92351791. Chapter 103: Leaves.
36. ↑ 36.0 36.1 36.2 36.3 36.4 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 8 August 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/102457917. Chapter 139: Hand-Me-Downs.
37. ↑ 37.00 37.01 37.02 37.03 37.04 37.05 37.06 37.07 37.08 37.09 37.10 37.11 37.12 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 28 November 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/88187512. Chapter 93: Nature.
38. ↑ 38.0 38.1 38.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 18 February 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/92826280. Chapter 108: Bridge II.
39. ↑ 39.0 39.1 39.2 39.3 39.4 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 15 February 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/92666083. Chapter 105: Blue.
40. ↑ 40.0 40.1 40.2 40.3 40.4 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 16 February 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/92717974. Chapter 106: Augus.
41. ↑ 41.0 41.1 41.2 41.3 41.4 41.5 41.6 41.7 41.8 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 13 June 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/99168567. Chapter 130: Adorabilis.
42. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 14 February 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/92592958. Chapter 104: Cruise Control.
43. ↑ 43.0 43.1 43.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 3 August 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/62374153. Chapter 7: Last Kiss.
44. ↑ 44.0 44.1 44.2 44.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 9 October 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/65681287. Chapter 23: Justice.
45. ↑ 45.0 45.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 24 April 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/76238720. Chapter 60: Confused.
46. ↑ 46.0 46.1 46.2 46.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 11 July 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/100762035. Chapter 135: Nate.
47. ↑ 47.0 47.1 47.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 28 April 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/76463093. Chapter 61: Comparison.
48. ↑ 48.0 48.1 48.2 48.3 48.4 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 19 February 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/92883214. Chapter 109: Dr Gary.
49. ↑ 49.0 49.1 49.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 4 March 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/93621871. Chapter 112: Shrapnel.
50. ↑ 50.0 50.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 25 February 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/93235156. Chapter 111: Cumulonimbus.
51. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 10 March 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/93963523. Chapter 113: Vines.
52. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 16 March 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/94296889. Chapter 114: Kadek.
53. ↑ 53.0 53.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 24 March 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/94736599. Chapter 115: Confession.
54. ↑ 54.0 54.1 54.2 54.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 28 January 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/71283174. Chapter 45: Maturity.
55. ↑ 55.0 55.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 27 June 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/99957591. Chapter 131: Sheep.
56. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 10 February 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/72044451. Chapter 47: Interrogation.
57. ↑ 57.0 57.1 57.2 57.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 10 December 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/88809895. Chapter 94: Leopard.
58. ↑ 58.0 58.1 58.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 19 July 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/81076729. Chapter 75: Middle Ground.
59. ↑ 59.0 59.1 59.2 59.3 59.4 59.5 59.6 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 20 September 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/64753702. Chapter 20: Daring.
60. ↑ 60.0 60.1 60.2 60.3 60.4 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 30 September 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/65207152. Chapter 21: Voice.
61. ↑ 61.0 61.1 61.2 61.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 10 October 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/85619353. Chapter 86: Abandoned.
62. ↑ 62.0 62.1 62.2 62.3 62.4 62.5 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 25 May 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/98117013. Chapter 127: University.
63. ↑ 63.0 63.1 63.2 63.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 19 May 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/77631860. Chapter 65: Imperfect.
64. ↑ 64.0 64.1 64.2 64.3 64.4 64.5 64.6 64.7 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 25 Januar 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/91432594. Chapter 100: Outside.
65. ↑ 65.0 65.1 65.2 65.3 65.4 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 16 August 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/63036727. Chapter 11: Waves.
66. ↑ 66.0 66.1 66.2 66.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 18 August 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/63143104. Chapter 12: Sparklers.
67. ↑ 67.0 67.1 67.2 67.3 67.4 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 2 September 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/63897706. Chapter 17: Wants.
68. ↑ 68.0 68.1 68.2 68.3 68.4 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 14 September 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/64478701. Chapter 19: Illogical.
69. ↑ 69.0 69.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 15 October 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/65971813. Chapter 24: Onward.
70. ↑ 70.0 70.1 70.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 20 October 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/66225229. Chapter 25: Hard Place.
71. ↑ 71.0 71.1 71.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 22 October 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/66298762. Chapter 26: Huge.
72. ↑ 72.0 72.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 31 October 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/66708592. Chapter 28: Expectations.
73. ↑ 73.0 73.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 22 November 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/67713068. Chapter 33: Snail.
74. ↑ 74.0 74.1 74.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 27 November 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/67899055. Chapter 35: Drama Triangle.
75. ↑ 75.0 75.1 75.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 6 December 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/68361811. Chapter 36: Forest.
76. ↑ 76.0 76.1 76.2 76.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 12 December 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/68664450. Chapter 38: Drugged.
77. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 23 December 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/69258186. Chapter 40: Bigger.
78. ↑ 78.0 78.1 78.2 78.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 14 January 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/70502880. Chapter 43: Soothed.
79. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 18 February 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/72578226. Chapter 48: Sadness.
80. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 3 March 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/73316571. Chapter 50: Remorse.
81. ↑ 81.0 81.1 81.2 81.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 30 March 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/74843448. Chapter 55: Calming.
82. ↑ 82.0 82.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 20 June 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/79427101. Chapter 71: Alexithymia.
83. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 28 June 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/79895224. Chapter 72: Disclosure.
84. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 12 July 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/80684689. Chapter 74: Brain Dentist.
85. ↑ 85.0 85.1 85.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 5 August 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/82029559. Chapter 77: Remedial.
86. ↑ 86.0 86.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 3 October 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/85219501. Chapter 85: Drop.
87. ↑ 87.0 87.1 87.2 87.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 18 November 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/87700384. Chapter 92: Suggestion.
88. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 15 December 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/89074438. Chapter 95: Intrusions.
89. ↑ 89.0 89.1 89.2 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 28 November 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/89392543. Chapter 96: Quick Fix.
90. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 16 January 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/90909331. Chapter 99: Play Party.
91. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 31 January 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/91777384. Chapter 101: Displaced.
92. ↑ 92.0 92.1 92.2 92.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 4 February 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/91998127. Chapter 102: Hillview.
93. ↑ 93.0 93.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 23 February 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/93131107. Chapter 110: Cry Baby.
94. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 31 March 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/95108446. Chapter 117: Clarifying.
95. ↑ 95.0 95.1 95.2 95.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 12 April 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/95780836. Chapter 119: Birthday.
96. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 14 April 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/95888071. Chapter 120: Discharged.
97. ↑ 97.0 97.1 97.2 97.3 97.4 97.5 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." Spoils. Archive of Our Own, 27 April 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/96597699. Chapter 122: Cousins.
98. ↑ 98.0 98.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 16 May 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/92351791. Chapter 125: Turnabout.
99. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 19 May 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/97781811. Chapter 126: Shame.
100. ↑ 100.0 100.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 31 May 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/98452317. Chapter 128: Reality.
101. ↑ 101.0 101.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 17 July 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/101113647. Chapter 136: Window.
102. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 26 July 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/101668572. Chapter 137: Date.
103. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 27 July 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/101728176. Chapter 138: Surprises.
104. ↑ 104.0 104.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 13 August 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/102751947. Chapter 140: Farewell.
105. ↑ 105.0 105.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 25 August 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/63499606. Chapter 15: Aversions.
106. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 13 November 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/67359151. Chapter 31: Culinary.
107. ↑ 107.0 107.1 107.2 107.3 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 7 September 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/83868190. Chapter 81: Pastel Playroom.
108. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 15 June 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/79153816. Chapter 70: Selfish.
109. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 11 May 2022. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/97347036. Chapter 124: Endure.
110. ↑ 110.0 110.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 16 November 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/67495559. Chapter 32: Princess.
111. ↑ 111.0 111.1 not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 8 December 2020. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/68467505. Chapter 37: Sunday.
112. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 23 March 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/74461677. Chapter 54: Binding.
113. ↑ not\_poignant. "Falling Falling Stars." *Spoils. Archive of Our Own,* 5 June 2021. https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401025/chapters/78595231. Chapter 69: Nice.
114. ↑ Not-Poignant. "How much time has passed in FFS? Ef mentions..." *Actually A Little Bit Poignant.* 0 Sep 2021, 5:54 AM. https://not-poignant.tumblr.com/post/661841533963812864/how-much-time-has-passed-in-ffs-ef-mentions-his.