Ingred's Journal Entry 13: Who am I

*There is a slimy substance that trails between the pages. It appears that an attempt has been made to wipe it off, but to no avail. Along with the slime, drops of some alcoholic substance and salt water blend together and smear the ink. The writing is smudged, squiggly, and (almost) impossible to read.*

*The most notable oddity, however, is how the pages near the end start to have chunks missing. Pieces have been torn out. Despite this, the writing continues as if everything was normal. The lines wrap around the papers as if the missing pieces didn’t exist. It seems like the writer had thoughts that they needed to jot down, but did not want in the journal.*

*There are sketches on the final page, under the last paragraph, but they are difficult to discern due to staining. The only thing that can be seen is the Tarlie spiral. Except… not quite. Looking closer reveals that it swirls in the opposite direction.*

Let’s start with… what I actually *know*, first…

Two within the Burning Swords have been sentenced to death. I hope that the others are safe from the gallows- or firing squad- or whatever it is they do in Royal City… They probably aren’t. Law is cruel. Cursed government… I don’t see the execution of Riot and Do’Navan as great news. I can’t help but wonder if they are afraid…

I… don’t really want to think about it. But it’s stuck in my head, along with the other strange occurrences from today. I didn’t think it was possible to make a bigger fool of myself, but I did. Ohhhhh I did. Fuck. Even *SEIPORA* was calm during the trials… damn it, Ingred. Get yourself together, you loon. You dumb mutt… I totally froze up. In front of *everyone*. Couldn’t stop myself from clinging to Lily like a fucking greenling… what a joke. A painful joke. I just… couldn’t stop thinking… remembering…

That damn room.

My head hurts.

And now Marisol is questioning my behaviour in the courts. Fuck. Perhaps they all are. I don’t know how I’ll avoid her questions without making it even more suspicious… should I say I wasn’t feeling well? Ate something that didn’t agree with me? Damn. Here’s hoping she just forgets about it after the other shit that’s happened today.

We didn’t get to meet that gentleman that Press recommended I go see, but Anthos’s thing sounded more important. Hah. His face when I said that. *Priceless*.

The flowers were pretty. I’ve never seen anything like it. So many colors! Thinking back, I probably should have brought some to the suite. Too late for that, I guess. At least it doesn’t smell like a rotting corpse in here anymore, although my damn bedding is surely tainted.

Anyhow… I wanted to eavesdrop on the conversation between Anthos and his daughter but K stopped me for some reason. And Marisol. What can I say? I’m a curious creature. It’s in my blood! I still wish I could have listened in, but… I don’t want to make the others think I’m strange. Plus I wasn’t about to just *stand* there while Marisol kept poking my buttons

Marisol was rather vocal during the meeting with Press. I don’t think I’ve heard her talk so much in one sitting before. I mean… some of what she said was relatable, but the rest kind of sounded like whining. Marisol keeps acting as if she sees herself as a perfect woman. Like she doesn’t have a fault of her own. What hypocrisy. Gosh.

Even K voiced his frustrations… I’m not sure what I did to make him think that I see him as a moron or something, but I hope he comes to realize that’s not true at all. If anything, I… well… K was so ready to jump into the fray for me… this day has been chaotic, but, he uh… I don’t know… made me feel a bit better, I suppose. Not like I… needed it or anything. Definitely not. But I did…  appreciate it… or whatever… I- I am glad to have made such a loyal… ~~companion~~ friend. I… I think I can consider him as a friend. Perhaps… I mean we don’t… “*hang out*” or anything, but… uh… he is… cool. Humorous.

Side note: I’m not surprised that Marisol punched K, but I am surprised that he sent it right back… Oh, Marisol. Déjà vu…. I feel like I’ve said this before, but it’s rather difficult to put a point across when you do it with violence… even if it is K. I don’t think he’s going to be willing to talk to Marisol for awhile (I don’t think any of us are…), but I hope he finds some relief after a good night’s rest. I don’t like seeing him agitated… or Seipora, for that matter. I think sleep will be good for all of us. Hopefully she’s gotten her closure. She… uh… handled today well, I think. Relatively well… Seipora sure likes hugs. I mean I… what’s up with those two being so *nice* to me??? I haven’t… really done anything to deserve it. I can’t tell if this is pity, or… or them trying to comfort me… or kindness… I… just… uh… it feels… good…

I feel bad for Lily. Honestly, I do. I didn’t realize she was that stressed out about being the group leader. Enough to want to quit… I get that she hasn’t been very authoritative, but she’s trying. I’m worried about how leadership will be handled in this group. No way do I want Anthos or Marisol to lead… They aren’t great with people. Seipora is, but I feel like her emotions might get the better of her. K, as well… He likes to rush into things. To be fair he *has* been improving, but I’m not sure he would like to lead this party. I uh… Personally, I don’t believe that I am suitable to be a leader, either… I’m not flashy by any means. Not strong, not brave. Plus I feel like that might… soil our reputation… Honestly, I’m all for having *no* leader. It may be beneficial to act together as a team, not as a company. We’re coworkers. Besides, we already have a manager! Sort of. I’m not sure what Mr. Press is to us, aside from a liaison.

Poor Ms. Koates. I’m… I dunno, gonna… hire her or something. If she gets fired. I hope she doesn’t get fired. All I did was drink Marisol’s fancy wine thing. And… drink some more. Annnndddddd some… more. Hm. My liver is probably not going to like me in the morning. Whatever, I’ve consumed worse poisons… I think the only thing that didn’t ~~boot me in the ass~~ distress me today was getting to drink with Anthos. Now I’ve tasted *hot* alcohol… It was… potent. I wonder what would happen if I combined Fire Wyrm and Mr. Valius’s icey liquor. Would it be hot? Cold? Room temperature?

I’m… grateful… that Anthos tried to defend me in the liceum… genuinely. I mean, still… fuck him, I guess but uh… damn. Why is it so hard to hate the guy..? Is he purposely switching between annoying me and being nice or am I just reading in between lines that don’t exist… *eh*…

I was worried that Anthos would berate me with questions, but he was actually quite respectful… He even answered some questions that I had for *him*. I uh… didn’t realize the extent of his… *being*. Sounds like he’s lived quite a few lives… and had quite a few families. I’m no psychiatrist, but think I understand where his struggle with people comes from. He’s probably been hurt quite a lot… hm… maybe I should go easy on him… maybe… We’ll see how he acts, for now…

Anyways… I think I’ve patched things up with Anthos a bit… I’m still rather frustrated, but… not terribly so. He has forgiven me for my pettiness, so all is taken care of now, in that regard. I uh… hahaha… He has a snail now. You know, I have faith that he can keep it alive for longer than a few hours. It’s difficult to kill a snail unless you’re straight up pouring salt over it or crushing it. Or neglecting it. Either way, I think I will find the results to be satisfactory, if not amusing. I get to be optimistic about one thing, at the very least! Fuck yoU, *universe*! ...

*There is a break in the writing. The next page is heavily crinkled and littered with salty water marks.*

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… *Emoi*… that damn woman… of course she would lie to me. Of course! Everyone lies to me… Those fucking Tarlies… I knew that Rosa was an alchemist, but I didn’t think the entire family was in the same trade. Why would a royal alchemist visit Jonsen Valley?

Why?

Why??

Why would they take my belt? Why were they so quick to deny me definite answers? To call me a disgrace? Why would you hold the truth from me? Were you lying, too? This whole time? I want to know the truth, papa… I feel like there’s a bigger picture that I’m just not seeing… like I’m barely scratching the surface.

She’s infertile, according to them… but… I… I still want to be skeptical… It doesn’t make sense…It doesn’t make sense that you would tell me about her. You could have said that my mother was deceased- why didn’t you?

Who *AM* I??? Am I a Tarlie, or aren’t I? If my mother isn’t Rosa, then who is she? Then who *IS* my mother? Gods, I am trying my hardest to keep a level head about this but it’s just kicking me while I’m already down. Damn those Tarlies. Damn the law. Damn them all. And of CoUrSe Aima’s Queen would sign that damn agreement. Damn her too, straight to hell!

I’m getting that fucking belt back. Mess with me, will they? They’ll soon regret that. Mark my words, I will make them regret it.