Li Minghua's Diary

**Li Minghua's Diary** was left under the floor bed in her room in the Li Manor in Shenzhou City.

'I snuck out for the first time tonight.'

...

'Everyone is going to be furious if they find out, but I don't care anymore! I hate being locked in this room, it feels like I'm in a prison cell. Seriously, what is my crime? Being born? I never get to go outside and if I have to take another stupid stroll in the gardens, I'm going to cut off all of the flowers!'

...

'I snuck out again tonight. I know I shouldn't, especially when the city was filled with people who might recognize how much I look like Father. But I can't stand that stupid room. Who do they think they are? Locking their daughter away like some prisoner! What's the point of being born this rich if I can't show off?'

...

'Oh my god, I should've stayed home last night. I'm sorry I didn't write what happened, diary. You must've been so worried that I didn't update you. I… I met a man. He's handsome! Like, really really handsome! I don't think I've ever met a man like him before. He said his name was —————'

'He had the most amazing voice! I didn't think I'd meet him, but I did. I stopped a child from pickpocketing him, but I think he knew what the child was doing. He told me people usually find him scary, and I could see why. There's a sword hanging off of his hips and he has large hands that look like they can kill someone.'

...

'I don't understand why Dad refuses to let me out! Everyone here in Hechen is so nice! I met that man again. He told me his family doesn't live around this city, but he's here as a guard, and I quote, 'A royal pain in the ass.' He usually doesn't talk much, so I brushed off his harsh choice of words. What if he offends the person he's guarding? Could it be—'

...

'I saw Uncle in town today. I didn't know what he was doing here. I haven't seen him in a while, not since he stormed out of my house. One time, I heard this really horrible rumor about him and my dad, but I'd like to think otherwise. Dad is mean, but he'd never backstab his own brother, right? Then again… Dad said he doesn't even view Uncle as his family. Uncle is rarely around.'

'That's so weird, Uncle is acquainted with the quiet bodyguard I met the other day! I saw them chatting in the town center, but this time, there was another man. He was dressed in a servant's attire but behaved like royalty. It was strange. I didn't want to disturb them, so I pretended to not see them.'

'But then Uncle left the group after noticing a woman. He looked really surprised to see her. It was so strange! And well, diary, being the nosy girl I am, I followed him. I didn't know why, but I just did. He was arguing with a beautiful woman dressed in clothes too modest for her to be from the red lantern district. The jewelry she was wearing looked expensive too. She might be the wife of one of the aristocrats in the area. The woman seemed really frightened by him, claiming she didn't know what he was talking about. They were bickering about some girl. I couldn't catch on to her name, but based on the context, it might be a child. He demanded to see her. He was furious when she denied his request, claiming the girl didn't want to see him. Who could the girl be?'

'Uncle caught me. I didn't mean to be so obvious with my snooping, but some kid tried to rob me! He was dirt poor, so I gave him a coin but he wanted more when he saw my money bag. How dare he! Not only did he expose me, he also ran off with my money. Uncle was pissed when he saw me. He said I can't tell anything about what I witnessed to anyone, or else! I wanted to roll my eyes so bad. What can he do to me? I'm his niece and Dad would kill him if he did something to me.'

...

'You might be wondering why I haven't talked to you in so long, diary. You're my best friend and the person I share my secrets with, but I found myself a few friends! Can you believe that? Well, I wouldn't call them my friends, since one of them is already my cousin to begin with, and the other… well, we're in love.'

...

'I think Father is using me.'

...

'That was such a paranoid confession, diary, I'm sorry. It's just… my cousin doesn't think I should be locked in my own house like this. He thinks my father is using me to gain more power, believing he can wed me off to someone beneficial, but Father would never do such a thing. Right? Well, I'm not so sure…

My cousin says he only has my best interest in mind. He cherishes me. He said I'm too precious to be used. I wish I got to know him better, he's always so kind to me, but I sometimes find it weird how intimate he is with me. For example, he likes to hold my hand when we walk around at night and only let it go when my lover shows up at the meeting spot.

He says it's to keep me safe.

Maybe I'm just paranoid.

My lover is worried that my father would have another boy in mind for marriage. He said he's not the heir in his family, thus, my father won't approve of him, but he still comes from a reputable family. He's in the military and is quickly skyrocketing in the ranks!

I think he might become a very reputable soldier, one who would go down in history as a hero! Can you imagine that diary? If I wed him, I'd become the wife of a military hero. People will know my name thousands of years from now!'

...

'My lover showed up at my door with flowers and gifts. Wenmin was furious, but he's just a dimwit, so I didn't care. Chenyang was repulsed, thinking I was fooling around when I snuck out. Me, fooling around? As if! He thinks I'm chasing boys, but does the egg chase the sperm? I think not!

Father was calm. I knew it, he didn't care about me at all! He didn't even ask how I found a man when I was locked away for so long.

Father only talked to my suitor in his public study, and when they came out, I knew my cousin was right all along: My father is using me.

Father berated my suitor about his wealth, ranking, status, and what benefit the Li Family would have if I were to wed him. Father only wanted to use me for more power than he already had. Isn't it enough? He's already the Prime Minister!'

...

'My cousin said it's not safe for me to continue living in Hechen with my parents. They'll continue to lock me up at home and I won't ever be able to see anyone!

Both my cousin and lover said they have to head back to the Capital now, it's where they belong. They can't stay here for too long. I don't want them to leave. I want to go to the Capital with them, I know the Li main manor is there, it's enormous there.

Father is only forcing us to stay in Hechen because he's a damn coward! He doesn't want to return to his Prime Minister position because he says it's tiring. Well, this country is deteriorating, and he needs to hurry up and return to his post!

I told him I want to live in the Capital with my cousin and the Royal Family. They'd never control me. I'd control them first! I honestly hate my Royal Aunt, why would she let my Royal Uncle marry so many whores? Doesn't she feel ashamed of herself for not speaking up?'

...

'Today is the first day I moved into the Imperial Palace! Father finally relented, saying I can only stay for a little while. But we'll see about that.

Also, I have exciting news, diary. Guess diary, guess! I think I'm getting engaged! We haven't told anyone yet, but he says he has plans. I know, I know, I'm too young for this, but he says he loves me regardless.

And besides… I… allowed him to deflower me. I didn't mean for it to happen, but he convinced me that it was for the best. That is, as long as I became his, no one would dare to take me away from him. It was consensual. I love him. He loves me. That's all that mattered.

I never told anyone about what happened that night. What if my parents find out? They'll think less of him. Especially Dad. But not Mom, she always supports me, even if she doesn't like him. I don't think she knows the extent of my relationship with him. She probably thinks we're just friends.

I don't care that he's not the heir. I don't care that he's intimidating and can easily overpower me. I love him. I love him, so so much.

I have another exciting news! Guess again, diary! His rank in the military was upgraded! He's no longer a simple General!

Royal Uncle was so excited to see me move in. He's the Emperor, but he's always so kind towards me. He finds it amusing that I'm so close to my cousin, his son.

I ignored that comment and joked that he should remember this day for the rest of his life. His niece might marry one of his favorite child, even though they're not blood-related, but the Empress really adores my lover.

Also, I'm finally free from my father! I'm finally ready to live the life of the wife of a Commander.'

...

'He promised he would love no other. He swore to me that his heart was settled on me and only me. We got into an argument today, all because of the Empress who said he should have a harem for political gains!

I hate her.

My royal aunt always came between me and him! It's as if the sight of me repulses her, she's disgusted every time she sees me. She thinks I'm bratty and just because I don't obey her like a dog; she thinks I'm rebellious and disrespectful.

I heard a scary rumor about her, but I don't want to believe it. It involved Father, Royal Uncle, Mother, and her. I'm scared. There's no way it could be true, right? Father has been Royal Uncle's friend since they were toddlers, there's no way a rumor like that could be true.'

...

'I'm scared… I heard another mindless gossip today, but it has to do with my cousin. I don't want to even think about that horrid rumor. There's no way it's true! No way!

It's definitely the Empress's doing. She's trying to make my life a living hell. She doesn't say it, but I know she hates the sight of my face. Everyone says I resemble my mother and her beauty, so what does that say about her? Does she hate my mother?! If she dared to say that to me, I will complain to Royal Uncle! He will surely do something… right diary? Right?

I thought the Palace life would be a life of freedom, but it's not! It's even more restrictive than back at home.

The Empress is jealous of me, I know she is. She keeps me locked away in the secluded wing of the Palace where no one would be able to see me and my beauty. I'm trapped in here, with nowhere to go. The only time I'm happy is when I'm with my servants, at least they talk to me, or when I'm with him… but lately, he's been occupied with training. Each time he returns, he's tired and doesn't want to talk.

He hasn't touched me ever since I moved into the Palace. Not even once. I think the Empress is influencing him. Even he seems disgruntled by me.

Everyone in this Palace hates me. The only person I can talk to is my cousin, but he's busy as well. It feels like I'm a mere shadow here. No one cares about me. No one looks at me. I hate it here.'

...

'I'm scared.

I hate it here. I'm so terrified, diary. I didn't mean to do it. I swear I didn't! I didn't mean to lead him on, I didn't even think he had feelings for me! It's repulsive to think that he would harbor these types of emotions towards me to the point where he begged the Emperor for my hand.

Wen Jinkai must've known of this. Is that why he's been distant towards me? He's very close friends with the Fourth Prince. Afterall, Wen Jinkai was the one guarding Wang Longhe in Hechen. I can't believe this. Can you?

My cousin, the Fourth Prince was in love with me. You heard that right, my COUSIN! I've stopped referring to Jinkai as my lover. At this point, I don't even know what we are. Is he even my lover at this point?

He didn't do anything to stop Wang Longhe from speaking to the Emperor. He allowed all of this to happen. Did he know my cousin was in love with me the entire time?

I'm so confused. So, so confused.'

...

'I want to kill myself.'

...

'He doesn't love me. If he did, he wouldn't have done this. If he did, he wouldn't have listened to her. If he did, he wouldn't have moved into his own sleeping quarters.

I can't do this anymore.

Not after his silence.

No one loves me here. Not even Royal Uncle. He doesn't know the Empress abhors me. She can't stomach the thought of me.

Every day I spend in this Palace is a living hell. No one dares to lay a hand on me, but their words hurt more.

Wang Longhe tried to make an advance on me. Wen Jinkai saw it and he just left.

That damn coward. He valued his friendship over me, ME! His woman.

No one loves me in this Palace.

Their love isn't genuine.

I hate it here.

Do you want to know why I've been talking to you less and less, diary? It's because I feel like you are going to become the tool that creates my memoir. I don't want you to be the defining factor of my life. I'm going to keep you away from here, far from this Palace.

I will sneak out tonight, into the main manor of my parent's house in the Capital. And then, I will go back to Hechen. They won't be able to keep me here.

I will kill myself if they do.

My life is meaningless. I am meaningless. I will never be able to get married to another man. I am tied down to Wen Jinkai. I am no longer a virgin.

I am a used product.

I don't want you to rot in the Capital, diary. It mustn't happen. No one shall know what happened in the Palace.

No one shall know that the Fourth Prince of Wuyi was in love with me, while I stupidly fell in love with the great Commander of Wuyi.

If I ever make it back to Hechen, I do not know how I will heal from this. I do not know a better solution than death. It is the only way I can repent for the shame I brought upon myself.

I just wish for a painless death, but then again, I am numb. I do not feel pain anymore. I blame no one but myself.

The Empress was right. I am nothing but a wretched bitch desperate for love. I got ahead of myself, thinking I can rebel against her, but I was wrong. The Empress is high and mighty. She is cunning and cruel, whilst I was foolish and young.'