Ethics

"**Ethics**" is the third episode of *Hoops*.

## Plot

Worried he may soon be academically ineligible, Matty asks Coach for helps passing his ethics class. Hmm, what could possibly go wrong?

## Summary

Shannon give a eulogy to a horse, describing him as having been more than a best friend. She says that she could trust the horse, Zipper, to keep a secret, but Hopkins shouts that if she were in a threesome in college, the whole barn would know. Her eulogy is interrupted by the incompetent drivers who are taking Zipper away. She finally tells them to leave, saying she will bury him on the farm. The drivers run over Zipper and Kirk comments that the same thing happened at his grandmother's funeral.

Hopkins tells the team that it's the time of year that Principal Lowry makes him read the code of conduct. He does so, but mocks the rules at the same time, saying that he's done crack three times. He reads the third rule, that players must maintain a GPA of 2.0, and says it should be easy because they're all nerds. He tells them the final rule is no sex with animals and the principal tells him there's no such rule. Later, he meets with Matty, who tells him he has a "situation" with one of the rules. Hopkins tells him that if he's honest, he smoked crack more than three times and that it's a pretty sensational drug. Matty tells him that he has a midterm on Friday and if he doesn't pass, he won't be able to play. Hopkins asks what the class is and Matty replies that it's ethics. Hopkins tells him that ethics is easy. He presents a scenario about a big bag of cash, which Matty utterly fails. Hopkins tells him he can fix it, saying there's only one teacher at the school who won't pass a basketball player, saying not to tell him that he has Lonnie Seymour. He does.

Hopkins goes to meet with Lonnie, suggesting they hang out more. Lonnie tells him he doesn't like him and he's not passing Matty. Hopkins replies that Matty is the most ethical kid he knows, presenting the cash scenario again. Lonnie replies that Matty has to prove he has a basic understanding of ethics, or he fails the class. Shannon, Opal and Barry drink together, but Barry starts to leave, saying it's not fun like it used to be. Shannon suggests that Opal liven the vibe. She says that Opal used to sing. They make a deal to have her sing there.

Hopkins tries to pep up the team to help Matty. He tells them that it's a lesson that any problem they have, they should come to Coach. They start sharing their problems, which he responds to frankly. He then says that the only problem he cares about is Matty's problem, and he's one of the dumbest people he ever met. Matty says he's right there and Hopkins replies that he's telling the story of Natty, which Matty somehow buys. He returns to Lonnie, asking how much it would take to bribe him. Lonnie replies that it's five billion dollars, and he sends in Connie, telling her to give Lonnie a five-billion dollar blow-job. Lonnie shouts at them to get out, saying that bribing him with oral pleasure won't work and that Matty is taking the test. Outside, Opal asks what Connie is doing there. Hopkins suggests that *Opal* go out with Lonnie. She replies that she won't pimp him out and she's performing at Barry's restaurant. She tells him it would be good to support her, but he says he has to make Lonnie pass. She replies that he wasn't the best student, but he still got through high school. She asks how he did that.

Hopkins returns to the team, asking how kids cheat these days. Marcus replies that cheating is unethical and he orders him to take a lap. They tell him that you would cheat by looking over another classmate's shoulder. The only problem is that the smartest student in Matty's class is Andrew Phillips, who has Advanced Hodgkin's. Hopkin's says that with regular Hodgkin's, he could beat him up, but advanced Hodgkin's, not so much. He's not a monster. Opal talks to Kirk, worrying about the "rawness" of her songs. He tells her they'll make some magic and he suggests he'll do some improv during her songs. She tells him not to mess with it, that it's not cookies and cream. Barry introduces "Barry's After Dark" and presents Opal. Unfortunately, the song is vulgar, and Barry groans that she's singing from the heart and he told her not to.

Hopkins pleads with the team, telling them that he's all out of ideas. He talks with the school mascot, who tells him that Lonnie doesn't respect him and he has to intimidate him. He rewatches *The Godfather*, saying that he'll make Lonnie an offer he can't refuse. He digs up Zipper, telling Matty to saw Zipper's head off. An hour later, they aren't getting anywhere. He says they're going to the hardware store and getting a chainsaw, but things go wrong when he tries to negotiate to return the chainsaw even though it might have blood on it.

Hopkins tells Matty that they're overthinking it - that they need a horse's head and they already have one. He then puts the entire horse in Lonnie's bed, saying he's Marlon Brando now. That morning, however, Hopkins finds the horse's head in his own bed and the remainder of the horse in his bathtub. He goes to Lonnie, who tells him that he can't outsmart him and he's not caving. Hopkins tells him that one thing he'll learn is that he never quits when it comes to his kids. Lonnie replies that there's nothing he can bribe him with, that he's not married and he has no kids. The word "kids" seems to give Hopkins an idea.

Hopkins admits to the team that the horse thing didn't work, but says they have to up the stakes. He says they're moving from *The Godfather* to *Leaving Neverland*. They need to make it look like Lonnie is a bigger creep than Michael Jackson. He says they'll frame him, calling him *Operation: Beat-It*. The kids are dubious, but they agree to his plan to break into his house. Scott goes through his trash, saying that they have something big: an ethics teacher who doesn't recycle, but Hopkins doesn't think this'll cut it. He then admits that he himself doesn't recycle, shocking the class. They continue their operation, having distracted Lonnie by getting him to attend Opal's performance with DJ imitating Opal's voice. Opal's performance is again vulgar, driving away pretty much everyone except Lonnie, who tells her it was amazing. He finds out that she didn't call him and is ejected by Kirk. Afterwards, Barry tells her that "After Dark" is over, that he likes his regulars and his regulars don't like it. She agrees that it's for the best, given that her ethics teacher just told her that he wanted to put his tongue in her "no-no spot."

Back at Lonnie's, Hopkins has the team tied up, taking photos to frame Lonnie for child abduction. He says it's an airtight plan, that Matty won't have to take the test if there's no teacher to give it. Matty says that they it's too messed up and maybe he should just take the test. Hopkins tells him he has dog-brains and he says he's getting him mixed up with Natty. He calls it wrong to mess up Lonnie's life for his own benefit and Lonnie enters, clapping. He tells Lonnie that he's passed his ethics midterm. All he had to do was prove that he was ethical by saying "no" to Coach's plan. Matty asks if all this time Coach and Lonnie were just testing him and Hopkins agrees that he knew 100% for sure what was happening. Lonnie replies to ignore Hopkins, that it was the perfect setup, that he would have passed if he ignored any of Hopkins's unethical plans. Matty replies that he can't believe he got an "A." Lonnie tells him he got a "D" and that the only thing he can't figure out is how he got him to make a fool of himself in front of Principal Lowry. "Don't be so hard on yourself, you stud," replies DJ in Lowry's voice. Lonnie says that DJ just failed his ethics midterm. DJ comments that now he's off the team, but Hopkins says this will help them.

## Cast and characters

Starring:

* Jake Johnson as Coach Ben Hopkins
* Ron Funches as Ron
* Cleo King as Principal Opal Lowry
* Natasha Leggero as Shannon
* A.D. Miles as Matty
* Rob Riggle as Barry Hopkins

Also Starring:

* Steve Berg as DJ
* Eric Edelstein
* Max Greenfield as Lonnie Seymour
* Ben Hoffman as Timebomb
* Mary Holland
* Gil Ozeri as Isaac
* Sam Richardson as Marcus
* Nick Swardson as Scott

## Gallery

Lonnie and Coach Ben HopkinsBen and the teamBen and mascotKirkLonnie and OpalBen and ConnieLonnieRon and ShannonTeam in Ben's car
## Navigation

* 1.01 The Pilot
* 1.02 My Two Dads
* 1.03 **Ethics**
* 1.04 The Sponsor
* 1.05 Matty Gets a Girlfriend
* 1.06 Zen
* 1.07 The Strike
* 1.08 Death
* 1.09 The Road Game
* 1.10 The Scout