Chess

Chess sucks. Every move possible has a name and they were all discovered in the 1600s by Gregory Chessplayer who played chess 14 hours a day and the moves are either called Fucking Idiot's Dumbass Losing Move or something like King Solomon's Ouroboros and literally the move is just moving a pawn forward by one space. Why does anyone play this?

## Notable Chess Moves

There are many notable moves in chess. Just kidding, none of them fucking matter.

### King George's Modified Polish Opening, Cumshot Gambit, New York Variation

King George's Modified Polish Opening, Cumshot Gambit, New York Variation is widely regarded as one of the best opening moves in chess.

### Fucking Idiot's Dumbass Losing Move

Fucking Idiot's Dumbass Losing Move is exactly the same as King George's Modified Polish Opening, Cumshot Gambit, New York Variation, however instead of picking up the pawn with your left hand like intended, you pick it up with your right hand. This opening will cause the other person to immediately secure their win within 40 turns.

### King Solomon's Ouroboros

In simple terms, the KSO is moving your second pawn forward two spaces on your second move. However, it is much more complicated than this.

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{\displaystyle \max(2,y){\partial^2\over\partial x\_1\partial x\_2}ydy/dx\lVert \operatorname{lcm}(x, 2) \rVert\sqrt{\sqrt[45^\circ\left / \frac{\begin{Bmatrix} 1 & y \\ z & v \end{Bmatrix}}{2} \right \backslash]{2}}\iiiint \sum\_{{}\_pF\_q\left({a\_1, \ldots, a\_p \atop b\_1, \ldots, b\_q}; z\right)}^N\begin{array}{lcr} z & = & a \\ f(x,y,z) & = & x + y + z \end{array}\begin{alignat}{2} f(x) & = (a+b)^2 \\ & = a^2+2ab+b^2 \\ \end{alignat}\textstyle \int\_{\textstyle \lim\_{\textstyle \sum\_{\iiiint \begin{pmatrix} \begin{pmatrix} -N & y \\ z & v \end{pmatrix} & y \\ z & v \end{pmatrix}}^N \displaystyle \to \infty} \displaystyle}^{N} \displaystyle x}

7.Bd3 exd3 8.Nxd3 cxd3 9.Qxd3 Qxd3+! 9...0-0 10.Be2 e5!? 10...Nc6! 11.f4 Qc8!, when Black usually plays 11...Bd6 to prevent the armageddon. Another popular alternative for White is 9.Qc2, followed by 10.Bb5+ Qe7 11.d5, winning a tempo advantage and threatening 13.a3! f6 14.c3 Qd6 15.h3 Bd5 16.Bb3 Qh5. The Leningrad Variation of the Najdorf with two bishops against one, occurs after 5.Bg2. After the move 5.Bg2, Black can play 6.Nc3 followed by 6.Bf4 in order to connect bishops on the kingside and provoke the pawns on d3 and g3, which promote to kingside attacks. A favourite option for Black is 6...Nf6, hoping for White's stray g1-g4, e5-e6 play. White can remain on his a3-g2 corner with 6...Bf5! but after 6...Qe7 7.e5 dxe5 8.Bxe5 dxe5, Black has some good options for a compensation with the moves 6...Qe7 7.Be3 and 6...Bd5. A popular move followed by a continuation is 6...Bc6 7.e4 d6 8.Bd2 b5! 9.e5 Bb7, followed by a Bb6 and a crucial move 10.Nb5! d6 11.0-0. This line was played by Peter Leko in the game with an annotated game transcription. Black had 5...Be6, after which the Qh6-c7 passage is possible. White then comes to the line of 6.0-0-0-0. This variation can arise from two different move orders: 1.e4 c5 2.Nf3 d6 3.d4 cxd4 4.Nxd4 Nf6 5.Nc3 Nc6, or 1.e4 c5 2.Nf3 Nc6 3.d4 cxd4 4.Nxd4 Nf6 5.Nc3 d6. Unlike the other major variations considered in this section, Black defers the development of the king's bishop in favour of bringing out the queen's knight. White's most common reply is 6.Bg5, the Richter–Rauzer Attack (*ECO* codes B60–B69). The move 6.Bg5 was Kurt Richter's invention, threatening to double Black's pawns after Bxf6 and forestalling the Dragon by rendering 6...g6 unplayable. After 6...e6, Vsevolod Rauzer introduced the modern plan of Qd2 and 0-0-0 in the 1930s. White's pressure on the d6-pawn often compels Black to respond to Bxf6 with ...gxf6, rather than recapturing with a piece (e.g. the queen on d8) that also has to defend the d-pawn. This weakens Black's kingside pawn structure, but in return Black gains the two bishops and a central pawn majority. Another variation is 6.Bc4, the Sozin Variation (*ECO* code B57). It brings the bishop to an aggressive square. Black usually plays 6...e6 (*ECO* B88 transposed) to limit the range of White's bishop, but White can eventually put pressure on the e6-pawn by pushing the f-pawn to f5 (pawn-based attack beginning with f4). White can either castle kingside with 7.Bb3 a6 8.0-0 (the Fischer–Sozin Attack, named after Bobby Fischer and Russian master Veniamin Sozin, who originated it in the 1930s), or queenside with 7.Be3 Be7 (or 7...a6) 8.Qe2 and 9.0-0-0 (the Velimirović Attack). Instead of 6...e6, Black can also try Benko's move 6...Qb6, which forces White to make a decision over the d4-knight. This typically leads into more positional lines than the razor-sharp, highly theoretical Sozin and Velimirović variations. White's third most common move is 6.Be2, (*ECO* codes B58–B59), after which Black can remain in independent variations with the Boleslavsky Variation 6...e5, named after Isaac Boleslavsky. The old main line 7.Nb3 is now less popular than the modern 7.Nf3, after which the game usually continues 7...h6 8.0-0 Be7 9.Re1 0-0 10.h3. Black can also transpose to the Scheveningen Variation with 6...e6; or to the Classical Variation of the Dragon with 6...g6. Other responses by White to the Classical include 6.Be3, 6.f3, and 6.g3.

## List of Fake Chess Moves You Can Use to Sound Smart

* King George's Modified Polish Opening: white moves pawn G forward 2 on first turn, then pawn F forward 1
	+ Cumshot Gambit: move order reversed
		- New York Variation: the same, except the player is from the United States
		- Hindi Variation: the same, except the player is Hindi
	+ Milf Breast Gambit: second and third turns instead of first and second
* Fucking Idiot's Dumbass Losing Move: the same as King George's Modified Polish Opening
* King Solomon's Ouroboros: first turn, white moves second pawn 2 spaces forward

## Chess

### Round 1

* John: Stop taking my fucking pawns
* John: fuck you
* **Nate: then defend them**
* John: Fuck no
* John: Defend my ass

Nate wins.

### Round 2

* **Nate: just take back**
* John: What does that even mean
* John: This game sucks
* Takeback sent
* **Nate: your pawns can take my pawns**
* Takeback accepted
* John: I want your pawns
* **Nate: why arent you taking like anything**
* John: I don't know how to because this game fucking sucks
* **Nate: click on the figure you wanna move**
* **Nate: and click on the figure you wanna take**
* John: I can't fucking move
* John: What the hell
* **Nate: ]you can**
* John: I can't fucking click anything
* Takeback sent
* Takeback accepted
* John: I am going to kill the inventor of chess because this game sucks
* John: Who invented chess
* **Nate: Garry chess**

Nate wins.

### Round 3

* **Nate: Good move**
* John: this doesn't make any sense
* John: how was that good I literally don't understand
* John: it's just a bunch of shapes moving around on a grid
* **Nate: youre blocking the check and also attacking the bishop**
* **Nate: and it also develops your queen**
* **Nate: Check whats being attacked**
* **Nate: before you move something**
* John: literally how do I find that out
* **Nate: Where did the bishop move**
* John: I don't know I wasn't paying attention

John makes a really good move.

* John: how was that
* **Nate: Horrible**
* John: Fuck

John makes a really good move.

* John: I saw it
* John: your queen was red
* John: I'm doing better
* **Nate: thats the king**
* John: this game sucks

John makes an amazing move.

* **Nate: Help you found probably the best move**
* John: hacks

John makes a move that, in reality, wasn't that bad, but chess sucks so apparently it didn't work.

* **Nate: Lol**
* **Nate: you can only move the pawns**

Nate wins.

## Discord

* John: this game sucks
* John: I even watched a tutorial
* **Nate: Bro how do you keep losing in like 2 moves**
* **Nate: Push the center pawns**
* **Nate: not the ones on the side**
* **Nate: this is called the fool's mate**
* John: the tuturoial didn't say anything about that
* **Nate: because its too short**
* John: no I watched a different one
* John: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT5W8ZXYTAo
	+ YouTube
	+ Big guy
	+ Schlatt loses a chess game in 2 moves

## AI Chess

* John: dude
* John: Someone fix this game or I'm going to kill the inventor of chess
* **Nate: Good job**
* **Nate: they should make a fucking Windows 8 version of this shit.**
* **Nate: Look at this garbage**
* John: Another fucking drag
* **Nate: How am I supposed to use this in a game**
* John: just pay attention
* **Nate: Seriously**
* John: I don't understand
* John: What is he doing
* **Nate: I love this game**
* **Nate: I can't even do this**
* **Nate: Its slow as fuck**
* John: Your pawns are dead
* **Nate: Dude**
* John: We just ended the game I hate this game
* John: I fucking hate this game
* John: I hate chess
* **Nate: Stop fucking around**
* **Nate: fix this shit**
* John: I need to kill the inventor of chess
* John: Now
* John: On my own
* John: with my own hands
* John: And my own brains
* John: And my own skills
* John: Thank you very much for downloading this shit

## Chess for Sex

* John: Have fun!
* John + 15 seconds
* John + 15 seconds
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* John + 15 seconds
* John + 15 seconds
* John + 15 seconds
* John: Hello
* John + 15 seconds
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* John + 15 seconds