Why You Should Never Go To Premier Inn

There's nothing nicer than a great night's sleep. Well maybe a fine dine at the Saint Mark's Bistro, but aside from that there really is nothing nicer than a great night's sleep. I suppose you're now wondering; where do I sleep if I do not own a home? Well first of all; I question how you are even able to read this if you don't have a place to call your home, and second of all ain't it obvious where you must go? If you ain't got no place to go; then Premier Inn is the place to be. I know there that are plenty other hotels across the world that you would much rather be spending your money at, but oh please do consider spending your hard earner millions at Premier Inn. For those of you not in the know; Premier Inn is a massive hotel chain in Great Britain which has been around for... oh man I don't know how many years. There's a Premier Inn pretty much anywhere in Great Britain. No matter where you go; you always find a Premier Inn if you want one badly enough. The hotels offer dinner service, but not very good dinner service as it is very threatening due to the chefs demanding that you eat more and they pile baked bean after baked bean after baked bean onto your diamond crusted plate. Yes; I know we've only just started, but I think that it's about time I get into the more negative side of the Premier Inn business which most people tend to overlook, but not me readers! Not fast food agent and hotel enthusiast; Johnathan Maguire here!

Firstly, Premier Inn is incredibly expensive, and like overly expensive. I mean seriously peeps; they charge you like £75 a night. £75 a night!? You must be bleaking joking! I don't think that the hotel staff even bother to test the rooms as the beds are incredibly dangerous, and you can end up falling straight through them and into the hotel lobby. There's no way to open the windows effectively meaning that you are trapped, and there is also no water in the kettle. Okay, sometimes and only sometimes I can't stress that enough there is water in the kettle. I wouldn't drink it though if I were you as it tastes like ass and it smells like ass. It can make you sick. Really sick. Oh, and don't even think of not paying Premier Inn the money that you owe them as they will happily send debt collectors to extort you. In order to avoid the debt collectors, I'd recommend paying the hotel your money in full as soon as you can. Don't even of fighting off or maybe even killing the debt collectors as this will result in you being put in the hotel's bad books, and you will end up having to attend an audience with Sir Lenny Henry himself up at his condo in Dorchester. We'll talk more about ole Len later. Now to be fair, the rooms aside from having no water in the kettle and the bed being a literal sink hole, the rooms are actually pretty decent as they all have on suite bathrooms which include complimentarily bath towels and rubber duckies which ole Lenny Henry has a thing for. Also, each room comes with an incredibly smelly booklet which features a picture of Lenny Henry on it. I nicknamed it the Little Book Of Len, and it's full of sinister types of how to stop yawning by becoming a baron. Must be Gwyn Claude's favourite book then must 'nit

The staff are incredibly friendly and helpful, but most of the time their helpfulness can come off as being very passive aggressive. Like I said earlier; the chefs are incredibly scary as they force you to eat until you explode into a million tiny bite size pieces. Now, I will give credit where credit is due, and say that Premier Inn is incredibly tolerant of how all things great and beautiful even the rubber duckies are invited to dine in the hotel's fancy five star restaurant. If you happen to have a rubber duckie sat across from you on your table please do ask for the waitress to bring you some bread for the duck. Do it or else Lenny Henry will be on your case, and do it even if the waitress does look at you like you need some serious help. Most of the waitresses graduated from Fordham, so I think that gives them excuses for acting like fricking weirdo's. Please don't feel embarrassed about feeding the rubber duckies as they are incredibly cool looking due to them wearing sunglasses. The rubber duckies all belong to Sir Lenny Henry. and he has to hide them at Premier Inn in order them getting found by his boss Nigel DuBros. DuBros is rather famous in the hotel world as he owns two offshore hotels up in Rockford all of which have got at least five stars on TripAdvisor. DuBros doesn't trust Lenny Henry one bit, and is on his case each and every day. He's one one to talk however, as ole DuBros is actually pretty corrupt with him hiring these really smelly pigeons to act as security for Premier Inn. If you even think of leaving your hotel room in the dark of the night you had better think again because otherwise the smelly pigeons will be after you, and they will sing the smelliest show tunes that you will ever hear in your entire life. Speaking of Lenny Henry it's about time we talk about him isn't it?

Sir Lenny Henry is the mascot and spokesperson for the entire Premier Inn brand. He first started marketing the brand in 2008 when he and his PA Richard Gritter decided to stay at the hotel while Lenny was on tour. Lenny Henry hated the look of the hotel and he didn't trust his dear assistant's judgement after he made Lenny spend the night at the Smellton Hotel in Birkland. The Smellton has no curtains and the bed sheets are so tiny that your feet are always sticking out from the end of them. The room is also incredibly smelly and it smells like prawns. Sir Lenny Henry didn't sleep a wink in that hotel he didn't! So it was completely reasonable then that Lenny Henry would be a tad bit apprehensive about staying at Premier Inn given Richard Gritter's past examples of terrible hotel picking. Gritter could see through Lenny and his nerves as he put his arm on Henry's shoulder and asked, "have I ever let you down?" Knowing that his dear friend was still not fully convinced, Gritter opted to give Henry a tour of the hotel well not really he just showed Henry around the main lobby. "Trust me. This is big time!" Gritter proclaimed rather happily. Henry grew a huge smile as he looked around the lobby, and he felt like he had finally found a place to call his home. It was truly a wonderful night at that Premier Inn with Lenny Henry having dinner with Richard Gritter and his rubber duckie. He asked the waitress to give some bread to the duck, which made her look at Lenny Henry like he was ill. As nice as the hotel was, Henry was not happy about the price as he confronted Gritter about it the following morning in the main lobby of the hotel. "Hey I found something small time! The bill!" Henry mocked as Gritter was forced under threat of death to pay the bill off in full.

While making their way out of the hotel lobby, Lenny Henry and Richard Gritter were pulled aside by the smelly pigeons who proclaimed, "Mr DuBros would like a word with you Mr Henry!" The pigeons got right up in Lenny Henry's grill, and he tried to run outside into the parking lot but he got picked up by the pigeons and was carried off to meet with DuBros in his office. "LENNY!" Gritter cried at the top of his lungs as he tried his best to shoot at the pigeons with his handy dandy service revolver, but he was unable to land a shot. Gritter had a license to carry a gun, and it was probably the most expensive gun license there was. He had the revolver since his days of serving in the Olive Oil War of 1933. He didn't remember much about the war other than the fact his bunk mate struggled to tie his boots which resulted in him getting gutted by a Cuneo soldier up in the Bronx. Isn't that wacky? In any case, Lenny was brought to meet with Mr DuBros in his office, and he gave Lenny the offer to become Premier Inn's spokesperson. "Why would I do that?" Lenny inquired as Mr DuBros lit himself a cigar. He took a big ole puff of the cigar as he explained, "because Premier Inn needs you son. We need someone who can make our company appeal more to the masses. So tell me Lenny Henry do you think you're up to the challenge?" Lenny Henry shrugged as he said rather awkwardly, "I'll give a hardy try." Lenny then began snickering a snicker, but Mr DuBros didn't find the joke very funny at all in fact he was grimacing. Although this was mainly due to the fact his pet goldfish Simon Jerry Cole Fishburne Fishcake In A Padlocked Car In Iceland The IV. That may just be the shortest name for a goldfish I ever did hear! Why you didn't give it a longer name DuBros like F.

Lenny Henry began appearing in commercials for the Premier Inn company, and gradually became known as their spokesperson. Richard Gritter never appeared in adverts due to him not being worthy enough to earn his salt. It was also mainly due to the fact that DuBros only really had eyes for Lenny Henry, whatever that means. The commercials starring Lenny Henry were really bloody weird. The first commercial featuring Lenny Henry generated quite the bit of controversy. You see; in the commercial, Lenny Henry was going on and on about all the different types of weekends. "There are boys ones." Lenny said as he and some homies were all dressed in golfing gear. This comment drew a great deal of controversy from the Golf Mafia which is led by an incredibly friendly man named Simon Golfer. He is incredibly friendly, but he is pretty rude as he once forced someone under threat of death to eat a golf ball. Simon Golfer was furious with the commercial because he was a very short sighted man, and believed that Premier Inn was trying to imply that only men can enjoy golfing. Yes; Golfer is a super strong feminist and you can blame the fact he has no toenails for that. The commercial also resulted in Premier Inn getting sued by Costco because at the end of the commercial Lenny Henry is shown drinking some Costco Coffee. Costco never gave Premier Inn permission to feature their product in the commercial so a formal lawsuit was held at the Palace of Justice in Oakton City, but the issue was thankfully eventually settled outside of court.

During his time working as the spokesperson for Premier Inn, Lenny Henry became a hard man to be with ya know? He started suspecting everyone and everything of being a mole for the Atlanta Corporation. The old Lenny Henry would have done that! He had evidence of that fact so why all the accusations then Lenny Henry why all the accusations? Lenny Henry became very emotionally distant during this time period, and the only person he talked to on a day to day basis aside from Mr DuBros was his PA Richard Gritter. Henry refused to speak to his other friends. During the shooting of one commercial, Lenny Henry was lying in bed when he received a phone call on his tablet... somehow and his friend began pestering him. "Mate I can't talk. I'm shooting a commercial." Lenny Henry explained, but his mate was having none of that I tell ya! "WHAT FOR PREMIER INN!?" The mate proclaimed in the loudest voice that Lenny Henry ever did hear. In fact, the mate's proclamation was so fucking loud that it ended up causing the tablet screen to smash into a million tiny bite size pieces. From that point onward, Lenny Henry made it a mental note to never again speak to his friends. He didn't friends anyhow all he needed was the luxury comfort of a king sized bed, and the company of his dear assistant Richard Gritter until he killed him that is. Allow me to explain some deets regarding Gritter's death.

Richard Gritter was growing tired of being at Premier Inn all the damn time, and eventually arranged a private conference between himself, Lenny Henry, and Mr DuBros in DuBros' penthouse suite on the very top floor of the building. During the conference, Gritter grabbed Lenny by his shirt collar as he asked in a rather threatening tone of voice, "Lenny... what happened to you? What happened to you?" "Let me go Gritter. I'll buy you some cotton candy." Lenny struggled to get his words out as he was then thrown across the room by Gritter who then turned his attention towards DuBros. "What have you done to my dear sweet Len?" Gritter inquired to which Mr DuBros responded with, "I didn't do a thing." It's worth mentioning that DuBros said that sentence in the smuggest tone of voice you will ever hear. Lenny Henry got up from the floor, and tackled Gritter down onto the ground. "Consider this a warning Gritter; you either stay with me at Premier Inn or you find yourself a new boss. Do we have an understanding?" Lenny Henry threatened as Gritter responded in between sobs with, "I'm with you all the way Boss." Richard Gritter desperately wanted to leave Premier Inn for he had an undercover lover living in Edbrook who was missing Gritter greatly. The undercover lover in question refused to give me permission to mention their name in this story, but it's a pretty fucking terrible name and it's so fucking terrible it'll make you laugh until the sun goes down in Empire Bay. Now, the undercover lover debated on calling Gritter while he was working with Lenny Henry at Premier Inn, but he ultimately decided against it for he knew that Gritter never talked over the phone as he didn't like the way it feels when the phone touches your ear lobe. You are a really pathetic little onion paste Richard Gritter you really are! Luckily for Gritter, his days with Premier Inn were numbered.

On a fine morning in May you know the ones; a resident of Premier Inn inadvertently caused the death of Richard Gritter at the hands of his boss Sir Lenny Henry. Here's the story, but just bare with me because accounts tend to differ depending on who you ask. The resident who caused the death was someone known as Colonel Dodo. Hmm... can't say I've heard of him. Wink. Lenny Henry seemed to know who Colonel Dodo was, and loved harassing him by always making sure to wake him up at the crack of dawn, Each and every morning, Lenny Henry would come into Colonel Dodo's room and proclaim, "there's nothing nicer than a great night's sleep." Most times, he was accompanied by his PA Richard Gritter who according to his Tumblr posts is an avid fanboy of Dodo. He knows some great stories about Dodo, but there's no time for that now. Colonel Dodo was staying at the Premier Inn with his accountant Captain Hook and first mate Peck Fex as a result of his boat getting burnt down by Hank Hill. Once again, this is sadly a story for another day. Stay another stay another day! No but seriously; if you want to see what happened just look it up in the Bruno Tattagllia/Oliver Charles funnypasta guide. It's quite the read think you can handle it? Not wanting to stay at Premier Inn for the rest of his days, Colonel Dodo eventually saw an ad in the local newspaper about a boat going for sale in Empire Bay. And so, Dodo and his friends got ready to depart from the hotel, but Lenny Henry couldn't have that for he had been given strict orders from Mr DuBros to not let anyone leave the hotel under any circumstances unless they had a prayer in Memphis. The only way you can leave Premier Inn is by sneaking out during the dark of the night. In the dark of the night where people will find Rasputin's nose. Lenny Henry and Richard Gritter gave chase to Colonel Dodo and his crew with Lenny once again proclaiming, "there's nothing nicer than a great night's sleep!" Unfortunately for Lenny Henry, Dodo and his crew were able to check themselves out of the hotel and they fled the scenes.

Unable to leave the hotel as a result of the contract he made with DuBros, Lenny Henry grew incredibly angry. Gritter tried his best to offer emotional support to his friend by putting his hand on Len's shoulder as he asked, "have I ever let you down?" Lenny Henry responded to this question by ripping Gritter's heart right out from his chest killing him instantly as a result. Not wanting to come to DuBros empty handed, Lenny Henry gave DuBros the heart who seemed to be very pleased about Gritter's death as he was getting in the way of his and Lenny Henry's business dealings. Gritter was buried in a private ceremony and Lenny Henry was not allowed to attend the funeral due to the pastors knowing fully well that he was responsible for Gritter's death. Colonel Dodo himself was not very happy about Lenny's action as in a Facebook post to Henry he said and I quote; "you've really let me down this time Len." Without Richard Gritter and his constant care and control, Lenny Henry flew off the handle and lost any moral code as he began scheming a scheme to take control of the Premier Inn. So that's when Lenny tried his best to become a shareholder in the hotel, but DuBros was not so convinced. "I can't do that Len." DuBros explained.

Embittered. Lenny Henry finally decided to take the next step, and decided to leave Premier Inn behind for good. He was unable to even get through the front door as there was some kind of forcefield which was preventing him from leaving. Eventually, the smelly pigeons appeared from behind Lenny Henry, and began singing towards him. "Oh no you didn't!" Lenny cried as he tried his darndest to shoo the pigeons off, and he even began swatting at them with a fly swat. Premier Inn had a real problem with flies who like to burrow inside of your ears as it's very warm in there. That's not right is it? Thinking quickly, Lenny Henry attempted to jump through the window, but he ended up falling right on his arse. "What's happening? Why can't I leave? Is this legal?" Lenny Henry asked himself as Mr DuBros appeared on the scene in order to help Lenny get up from the floor. Mr DuBros wiped his hand on his suit as he asked, "did you forget about the contract Len?" "What contract what are ya going on about bro?" Lenny asked to which DuBros responded by holding up the contract which Lenny had signed after he agreed to become the official mascot and spokesperson for Premier Inn. The contract was unbreakable according to the terms and conditions written at the bottom of the page, and it also stated on the contract that Lenny Henry would have to work for Premier Inn for the rest of his days. Well kind of... in reality, Lenny Henry had to remain with the company for 350 years. 'Oh buggering buggerton! If only I had read the small print!" Lenny Henry thought in despair. Of course ultimately, Lenny Henry agreed to continue providing his services to Premier Inn just as long as he was made an equal shareholder in the company. "Very well then; it's a deal!" Mr DuBros proclaimed happily as he and Lenny shook hands cementing that they had a deal. There sure is a lot of proclaiming in this story isn't there my bucko? Ho ho just you wait and see the world cup final this afternoon! Ha ha mmm pardon me I just goosed a juice.

As it turns out; being a shareholder was a lot tougher than Lenny Henry could have possibly imagined. Fearing that the hotel was at risk of getting robbed, Lenny Henry decided to pay a visit to King Courtney leader of the Yardies at his offices in Torrington. The smelly pigeons were accompanying him for this little day trip. Yes; Lenny was not confined to Premier Inn and he was able to venture outside it's walls every now and then just as long as the smelly pigeons were accompanying him that is. King Courtney was very polite and cordial during his conversation with Lenny Henry, but before he could agree to provide security for Premier Inn he demanded that Lenny Henry do a few jobs for him. "Mon this is business, and a partnership equates to business don't ya know?" King Courtney explained. Over the course of a week, Lenny Henry did a couple of jobs for King Courtney which included performing a drive by on some Diablo mooks, and then stealing three cars for King Courtney. In order to avoid getting implicated with the Yardies, Lenny Henry received his orders from Courtney via payphone. "I want me a Molinari Sentinel, a Diablo Infernus, and DuBros' bulletproof limo. Bring em to me lockup; and hear this. They're no use to me all broke up now." King Courtney explained. The Molinari Sentinel and Diablo Infernus were easy to steal, but Lenny was a tad unsure about stealing DuBros' car. It was a white bulletproof limo which had cost DuBros around £250,000,000 to buy. Lenny was able to sneak past the pigeons by giving them some KFC, and ordering a rat faced teenage hood to lace the food with laxatives in order to keep the pigeons occupied. After consuming the KFC, the pigeons started shitting all over the local residents of London while Lenny Henry disguised himself as a valet and stole DuBros' bulletproof limo right from under his nose. He then proceeded to take the limo down to King Courtney's lockup over in Torrington. A lot sure does go down in Torrington doesn't it? Boy you've got a prayer in Torrington!

King Courtney was now more than ready to provide his security detail for Premier Inn, but he had just one tiny little job left for Lenny to do before they could all go out and celebrate. Basically, King Courtney wanted Lenny to retrieve a car from Bedford Point which had some Chips Ahoy inside of it. "Now hear this; get your little self over to Bedford Point. There's a stash in a little car I need quick smart now!" King Courtney barked. Though he was usually pretty cordial, King Courtney was known for being very passive aggressive even when giving orders to his subordinates. After getting inside of the car, Lenny Henry discovered it to be a set up and that King Courtney had allied himself with Austin's a rival hotel. At that moment, four vans appeared in the parking lot, and four madmen got out from them. They were all high on toast and had bombs strapped to their chests. King Courtney was a known toast dealer; so it's more than likely he had supplied the madmen with toast and then given them orders to blow Lenny Henry up into kingdom come. Using a conveniently placed grenade launcher which was hidden on the rooftops across the street from the parking lot, Lenny Henry was able to destroy all of the madmen and their vans. He never bothered to get revenge on King Courtney for his betrayal even though it would have been more than justifiable for him to have done so. He knew where King Courtney was located after all, but he never did bother to inflict some well deserved justice on that Rastafarian bastard! From that point forward, the Yardies became hostile towards Premier Inn, but only the ones that Lenny Henry occupies. It remains unknown what King Courtney's deal with Austin's is, but he is a frequent visitor to the hotel as some of my associates took a few pictures of him dining at the hotel with his girlfriend back in 2016. Yes; readers even King Courtney can find love despite being a proper rude bugger! I certainly hope he gets a firm telling off!

Now let's move on from Lenny Henry for a bit, and talk more about the hotels themselves. In 2013, Premier Inn came under fire after an undercover hotel inspector infiltrated a Premier Inn and made a video talking about how awful his room was. "No water in the kettle!" The inspector cried as there was no water in the kettle for him to have a lovely cup of tea. Good thing there wasn't any water as it would have caused him some serious stomach problems because as I stated earlier; the water in the hotel tastes like arse. Fearing for his life, the inspector attempted to jump out of the window, only to then find that the windows had all been bolted shut. This was an addition that Lenny Henry had added himself. Tired beyond any reasonable measure, the inspector fell down onto his king sized bed, but he ended up falling right through the bed and into an old abandoned hallway. Following his rather disastrous experience at Premier Inn, the inspector uploaded the video to Reddit. Unable to expose Premier Inn for himself since he was actually not allowed to be investigating the hotel due to him not having a permit. He was forced to hire Special Detective Sam Bramsberry to investigate the hotel, and provide some evidence which the inspector would then use in the testimony against those bastards at Premier Inn. Upon been giving the assignment of investigating Premier Inn, Sam Bramsberry proclaimed happily, "Special Detective Sam Bramsberry; Sam to my friends on spread to my enemies!" Bramsberry then proceeded to lift his mighty finger of mightiness up into the air while the hotel inspector pulled an incredibly smug face. "Ah Detective I knew I could rely on you!" The hotel inspector said happily as he and Bramsberry exchanged their Bin Weevils passwords. Little did that hotel inspector know how wrong he was for trusting Sam Bramsberry.

Needing to go deep incognito for this particular job, Sam Bramsberry disguised himself as a Mexican assassin named Monty De Santa. What's your obsession with Monty Sam? After dawning his disguise, Bramsberry began frequenting the bars controlled by Premier Inn before hitting it off with a waitress there. In bed with the waitress, Bramsberry discovered that his old nemesis David Hambrick was at the hotel as they spoke. Don't know who that is? Once again I insist that you look it up in the Bruno Tattagllia/Oliver Charles funnypasta guide. 45 pence isn't a lot of money for one of the guidebooks that money can buy. The following afternoon, Bramsberry had himself a cup of Joe in the hotel lobby as he saw David Hambrick checking himself back into his hotel. Sam threw his pipe away as he got ready to start tailing Hambrick back to his hotel room. Sadly, Bramsberry's pursuit of Hambrick didn't last very long as his dog ended up tripping Bramsberry up with his dog lead. "We've done it again!" Hambrick's dog cried in despair. His dog's name is George. Could it be George Extra Large? Sadly not no; it's really just George Wallace. Hambrick had named his dog that after an entertainer at a local rundown jazz club. He was an incredibly witty entertainer who was built like a house in Montgomery; so I shan't insult him at the risk of getting knocked out. Sam Bramsberry got up from the floor, and dusted himself off as he said, "hmm it would appear that I need stronger tactics." Dawning a baseball bat, Bramsberry got Hambrick's hotel room number from a receptionist. The same receptionist who had so wrongfully judged Sir Lenny Henry for his love of the rubber duckies. So you see; it's all coming together like a beautiful lighthouse. Also, I'm not really sure as to why Sam Bramsberry didn't just do this right from the gecko instead of attempting to trail Hambrick back to his hotel room, but whatever who am I to judge? I ain't no dancing judge reader.

Arriving at Hambrick's hotel room, Bramsberry knocked on the door 241 times, and readied himself with the bat. He was more than ready to bash Hambrick's brains in. However, twas not Hambrick who answered the door no it was two burglars who were in kahoots with Hambrick. Sam apprehended the burglars, and tied them to the ceiling of their hotel room by using some sticky tape. "Now then; do tell me how are you two working for?" Bramsberry asked as he began smoking a pipe. The two burglars confessed that they had been hired by Hambrick to rob goods from the hotel's main lobby. People tend to leave lots of valuables in the hotel lobby, and Hambrick was hoping to sell the goods over to the 18K Triad as Hambrick had ran afoul of them as a result of his rampant gambling debts. "Where is your master now?" Bramsberry asked as he began looking under the bed in an attempt to find Hambrick. "You just missed him Detective. He just caught the train to Walnut Pass." One of the burglars explained. "Oh buggering buggerton!" Bramsberry cried in anguish as he began stomping his feet upon the floor. His stomping was so loud that Mr DuBros could hear it from the hotel reception. DuBros started poking at the ceiling with an old broomstick as he asked, "what the bloody hell is that noise?" "Hey don't worry about it bro. Burn some more frankincense and myrrh." One of the smelly pigeons said. Oh yes; pigeons sure do love burning frankincense and myrrh DIDN'T YA KNOW? Cause I sure as shit didn't.

Unable to apprehend Hambrick, Bramsberry settled on simply arresting the two burglars for the time being, and he handed them over to the police department that same afternoon. However, Sam Bramsberry was so overconfident about his apprehension of the two burglars that he had failed to even bother looking into Premier Inn and how their hotel operates effectively saving Sir Lenny Henry and Mr DuBros from scandal in the process. Bramsberry didn't seem to mind however, and promised the police sergeant who just so happened to be a mouse who spoke grammatically poor English and had an Italian accent that he would give up smoking if he was ever able to apprehend David Hambrick! Will Sam Bramsberry ever be able to catch David Hambrick? Highly unlikely! Not only was Hambrick one of Jammie Dodger's top dogs; he was also one of the world's greatest criminal minds as a result of the London Bridge Job and the Bagpipe Swipe. The Bagpipe Swipe... I shan't talk about it. If you even think about talking about the infamous Bagpipe Swipe you could end up in jail for 751 years. in that sense, it is perhaps best to keep your mouth shut when it comes to matters such as this. I can tell you; that the London Bridge Job involved tossing several Yardies gunmen into the Thames, and then shooting anyone who came up to the surface. After what King Courtney tried to pull with Sir Lenny Henry, I can't say that I'm too upset about that fact. No Siree I absolutely positively most assuredly cannot!

Following the death of Richard Gritter, Sir Lenny Henry became something of a loose cannon, and this resulted in DuBros foreboding him from featuring in any more commercials for Premier Inn. For a brief window in time, Lenny provided some voiceover for a couple Premier Inn ads and only appeared briefly at the end of the ad in order to remind you about his SICK polo shirt. The shirt may look grey but in reality it's aquamarine. No longer able to feature in any more commercials for Premier Inn, Lenny Henry seeked revenge by attempting to get an advertising gig with rival hotel chain; Travelodge. Sadly, Travelodge refused to accept Henry's application due to them already having their own mascots in the form of these really demented muppets which are tailor made to look like their human counterparts. The muppets are incredibly scary as they lie in bed with you, and sing about how they love premium Russian landscapes. Hearing of Lenny Henry's attempts to betray Premier Inn, DuBros ordered the smelly pigeons to kill him. The pigeons tried their best to kill Lenny Henry by dropping a 500 pound weight on him, but he managed to walk past just before the weight fell on him. Sensing that the pigeons were after him and that DuBros knew about his attempt to defraud the company, Henry organised an emergency meeting with his good friend Richard Tanner at the Royal London Art Gallery. Ironic that both of Lenny's friends have Richard as their names isn't it? Seems a little pong wiffy if you ask me! Richard Tanner is a Molinari Crime Family Caporegime, and he used to work as a stagehand in around 2007 which is how he met Lenny Henry when he was doing his stand up. He is involved in a war with the Oakton City Triads, but perhaps he could use them by suggesting an alliance? Hmm... wouldn't that be something for the books?

The meeting at the Royal London Art Gallery turned out to be yet another set up as Tanner had allied himself with the smelly pigeons. The pigeons were also at the gallery, and they explained that they paid Tanner a great many bitcoins to kill Lenny Henry for them. "You did what you wanted Lenny! You joined up with Travelodge, you killed Gritter, and you broke the contract by giving my dear friends here laxatives." Tanner then ordered his regime to kill Lenny Henry as he said, "don't be too rough with him boys. He's my buddy." Lenny Henry fought his way through the gallery by killing waves upon waves of Tanner's regime. Eventually, Henry confronted Tanner on the balcony of the art gallery, and managed to land bullet right in Tanner's chest. Ironic; the one day that Tanner forgot to wear a bulletproof vest and this happens. So sad. Anyways, Tanner fell to the floor as he said, "you... you did it. You're gonna have to hide like an outcast because DuBros will get ya Lenny. Premier Inn will get you in the end like they did with Gritter." "Uh actually I killed Gritter." Lenny Henry said rather awkwardly which seems rather out of place for someone of his character, but whatever it doesn't really matter as Tanner then died as Henry shot two more bullets into him. Oddly, the Molinari Family though very angry about Richard Tanner's death; they never thought to question Lenny Henry due to Don Salvatore Molinari Jr being a big fan of Premier Inn and their ads featuring Lenny Henry. Even after the smelly pigeons told him that Lenny had been responsible for Tanner's death, Don Molinari refused to believe them as do all who truly believe. Cue the smelly music.

Everything worked out just fine from that point on; Lenny Henry eventually made peace with DuBros who allowed for Henry to stay at Premier Inn for as long as he wants. He also made peace with the smelly pigeons, and apologized for giving them laxatives. DuBros then asked if Lenny Henry would like to star in the commercials for Premier Inn and Lenny Henry responded by saying, "maybe some day, but not right now. You see; I learned something the other day Mr DuBros. I learned that real strength comes from within, and that there are things that are better than a great night's sleep. Does that make sense?" "Not really." DuBros admitted as he began messing around with some papers which were scattered across his desk. No matter what Premier Inn you go to; Lenny Henry will always be right there waiting for you. Every single one! You know how every town has an Elm Street? Yeah; well every Premier Inn has a Lenny Henry! Now that we've got done discussing the Ballad of Lenny Henry. It's time we finally set this thing off by talking about the downfall of Premier Inn, and how it happened. Get ready because this is going to be quite the emotional rollercoaster so I'd recommend getting some tissues out if you please.

Truth be told; Premier Inn's control over the hotel market had been dwindling ever since they first got Lenny Henry to appear in their adverts all the way back in 2010. People were not very kind to Lenny particular on YouTube with one commenter even writing; "Lenny was never funny tbh." DuBros recognised these faults in the company's structure, but he couldn't do anything to replace Lenny Henry as he did come cheap after all. However, Lenny Henry had little if anything to do with the overall downfall of Premier Inn. The main driving force behind the downfall came from the fact that Mr DuBros has far too ambitious it would seem. He began expanding his company all around which seemed to be a brilliant idea on paper, but DuBros as mentioned earlier was highly corrupt as he hired common thugs as act as employees for his Premier Inn hotels. Thanks to DuBros; the thugs were given full reign to beat money out from people by any means necessary. Mr DuBros preys on hotel goer's fears so they become obedient to the protection that he and his hotels promise them. No one likes DuBros. In fact, the only people who like him are the smelly pigeons and even then you can tell that they're not that keen on him. DuBros also failed to realise just how much Sir Lenny Henry meant to the company, as during the brief window of time when Lenny was not with the company the adverts became horrible and very hipster like.

This one advert... oh my golly was it smelly! It had these really awkward Indian BBC extras who were dancing to this really stereotypical Indian music which was so bloody smelly it will make you cry and wish to have the smelly pigeons back. The advert was so negatively received that a petition was made to bring back Lenny Henry, but Mr DuBros thought nothing of it and despite getting several threatening phone calls from Television Centre he continued to air the commercial on TV for several months. Another advert featured a woman going to a nightclub where she ran into a friend of hers named Big Seal. She gave him a friendly greeting, but she doesn't realise that Big Seal is a member of the Colombian Cartel and that the Cartel stole her husband's RV many years ago. Even longer now than what it seems. So sad. Those Cartel fools will do anything for prime real estate. Actually speaking of the Colombian Cartel they were know partners with Premiere Inn, and DuBros hired them as security it was also helped by the fact that his brother Miguel was actually the co-leader of the Cartel. Who leads the Cartel? I don't know I just don't know could it be you? I fucking hope not! That's when DuBros began increasing the price of the hotels by charging like £1000 a night in some hotels like the Premier Inn in Townsend Street, Oakton City. DuBros and his prices are out of fucking control! Originally, Premier Inn and their prices were pretty reasonable, but not anymore not now that DuBros knows he doesn't even need to try anymore, and that's honestly kind of sad. Of course, DuBros wasn't always like this.

DuBros had grown up poor in The Bronx where he saw his local washing machine dealer get run over by a double decker bus. Yes, they have double decker buses in The Bronx what of it? In 1998, DuBros tried running for President, but he lost all credibility when the press got their hands on some rather embarrassing photos of him at a morgue party or something. Rather ironic considering the fact he had named his political campaign; the Morgue Party. No one is quite sure how or why DuBros met the smelly pigeons, but it is known they have been associated with each other since at least 2010 or thereabouts. In 2001, DuBros opened up his first hotel and another. After opening up those two hotels, DuBros came up with Premier Inn which made a multi media sensation. It didn't happen over night of course, but by 2010 Premier Inn had quickly one of the most profitable and popular hotel chains in the United Kingdom. I heard there's even some Premier Inn hotels located in India. Premier Inn's biggest competitors were Travelodge and Holiday Inn, but even they stood no chance against Premier Inn for it had way more power than anyone could ever possibly hope to imagine. DuBros became one of the most powerful businessmen in the world, and eventually became a friend to Mr Parks. Annoyingly, Mr Parks was the one who convinced DuBros to increase the prices for rooms. "Are you mad son? Jack the prices up!" Mr Park suggested as he got right up in DuBros' grill. "Hmm what harm could it do?" DuBros responded as he lit himself a cigar and took a big old puff. Oh gee I don't know Mr DuBros how about everything!? Stupid bastard. The smelly pigeons however haven't changed one bit. They've been incredibly smelly since the day they were hatched. Sadly, unlike Mr DuBros and Sir Lenny Henry; there's very little information to go on regarding the pigeons and how they came to join up with Premier Inn other than the fact like I said earlier they were in DeBros' employ sometime in 2010 maybe even before that given the direction of the clouds in Montgomery Fields.

The hotel rooms had fallen astray due to the fact that DuBros never bothered himself to even hire a cleaner. In order to avoid any complaints, DuBros opted to keep changing the carpets of every hotel room once very two months I'd say. This seems rather stupid me as DuBros is wasting far more money replacing the carpets very two months than he would be if he just hired a cleaner. DuBros had cash to burn however, and he even owned a money printing warehouse in Brixton which he used to counterfeit money which would then be sold to the Colombian Cartel as payment, and because the Cartel are not very smart they thought nothing of it. The Cartel didn't have a lot of back checkers so they never bothered to check if the money was legitimate or not. Even DuBros' own brother Miguel had no idea that the money he got from his elder brother was counterfeit. Premier Inn was once a fantastic company and DuBros was once a fantastic boss, but now? He's a complete joke, a laughing stock, a rat faced carrot cake, and a hypocritical asswipe who criticises Lenny Henry for his attempt to associate himself with the Yardies; all the while he's making secret dealings with the smelly pigeons along with the Colombian Cartel. Oh, Mr DuBros you've killed Premier Inn you have! It's only a matter time until you finally get what's coming to you and Lenny Henry.

Well ladies and gentlemen; that is the story of the downfall of Premier Inn. Did you enjoy it? To be honest; the whole thing does kind of lack a bit in the middle as Winnie Da Pooh once said to Rabbit who wanted to shove a flower up his ear. Now, with this story my intention is not to defraud the Premier Inn company as it is still a very well run hotel and there's lots of great staff working there. You know; the ones that aren't members of the Colombian Cartel. Really; the company's biggest problem is Mr DuBros. If they just got rid of him; I think that the company would be golden with Salvatore. I can see it now! I'm telling ya with DuBros gone, Premier Inn would be headed for big things. Here's hoping that they learnt their lesson some day, but until that day comes I'll be loving Travelodge instead. Actually low key; Travelodge might be even worse, but only time will tell. Just you wait and see a few days more. So however you wish to spend your weekend. Why not make your weekend a Premier weekend? Premier Inn everything's premier but the price.