Stone 62

**Chapter 62**

We're currently on page 617 out of 703. That means we're 88% of the way through the book. And . . . there's no plot. There's no tension. There's no real feeling of what the characters are trying to accomplish.

At 88% of the way through The Lord of the Rings, the Battle of the Pelennor Fields had already been fought and Sam was busy rescuing Frodo at Cirith Ungol. At 88% of the way through A Wizard of Earthsea, Ged and Vetch were gearing up for the final pursuit of the Shadow. At 88% of the way through The Last Unicorn, Schmendrick was finding his magic and Prince Lir was demonstrating what heroes are made of.

Sigh.

We learn that Richard *“had been cloistered in his room for days, thinking,”* and that he's barely making any effort to touch his Force anymore, because he's afraid he might actually succeed. Meanwhile, Moley is toiling away in the vaults doing Richard's homework for him . . . actually, he's looking up the mountain of stuff Richard wants to know about. Richard has decided to take a nice li'l walk in the countryside to clear his head.

Pasha shows up out of nowhere and wants to accompany Richard on his walk. She's wearing a hooker-quality dress, of course, but Richard decides to be nice and let the poor little obsessed girl come with him. However, once they're out in the countryside, Richard thinks about how he hasn't seen Gratch in days, and wishes Pasha wasn't with him.

To the vast surprise of anyone who has never read a book before, Gratch shows up. Pasha panics, screaming *“It's a beast! Kill it!”* Richard steps between the two of them and tries to explain that Gratch is a friend, to which Pasha replies *“It must be killed! It's a beast!”* and then runs off . . . leaving Richard alone with the dangerous beast.

Isn't Pasha theoretically responsible for Richard's safety? \~/ And isn't she the apprentice sorceress, the one who can actually **use** her magical powers?

Richard pals around with Gratch for a while, totally blowing off the screaming, panicked woman who just ran off to tell the palace full of sorceresses that he's being mauled to death by a horrible monster. Brilliant. \~/ Several hours later (it's twilight, and it was “late-afternoon” when Richard and Pasha headed out) Richard is back at the Big Stone Witch House, thinking that he ought to find Pasha and explain that he hasn't been mauled to death after all. However, Verna finds him first, having deduced that Richard fed and befriended the baby Fish they encountered a while back.

Richard's response is . . . odd: *“It was helpless, Sister. I couldn't kill something that was no harm to me.”* So . . . I guess this means that the trained woods guide has never shot a deer, snared a rabbit, or even decapitated a chicken. Weird.

Verna explains that the Nuns *“fear beasts; they kill them.”* The almighty sorceresses who preach about the Creator are afraid of animals? They kill animals just because? What?

Verna further explains that the Nuns believe pets are a hindrance to learning wizardry, and will kill Gratch to keep him from distracting Richard. Yeah, that doesn't sound like a terrible plan at all. Let's teach the young boys earth-shattering magic and kill their pets! That can't lead to resentment or anything. \~/

Richard takes off running back to where he last saw Gratch. He yells for Gratch, who reappears. Richard tries to convince Gratch to leave because the Nuns are coming to kill him, but Gratch – despite understanding basic English – can't figure this out. So Richard resorts to the tried-and-true Break His Heart to Save Him trope of telling Gratch he hates him to make him leave. It's actually a fairly well-written scene, and Richard demonstrates some emotion by breaking down and crying at the end as his only friend flies off, thinking Richard hates him.

He then tells the spirits that he hates them all. Um . . . okay.

On his way back to the Big Stone Witch House, Richard suddenly realizes that what he just did to Gratch is basically what Kahlan did to him: sending him away for his own good, and telling him *“If you really love me you will do this.”* This causes him to intuit that Kahlan still loves him, which makes him so happy that it wipes out the pain he felt at chasing Gratch away. Yeah, just like that. \~/ So much for that bit of characterization.

Richard buys a fake gold necklace (yes, really) and gives it to Pasha. Naturally she thinks this means they're becoming More Than Friends, but he explains that it's because, thanks to Pasha, he realized that *“she loves me, and always has.”* Pasha, astonishingly, is not thrilled with this news, but Richard tries to placate her by saying that she's a beautiful young woman and can have her pick of nearly any man. Not him, though. *“Maybe if I live to be a hundred, but short of that . . .”*

What? Is Richard saying that it would take him a hundred years to forget Kahlan? Or that when he's a randy old goat he won't mind having multiple women? Or . . . you know what? I don't care.

Pasha says *“Then I will wait.”* with a *“sly smile.”*

Anyway, Richard is euphoric for the next several days, puzzling everyone in the Big Stone Witch House. He works harder than ever with his various teachers (what, does he work for *thirty* minutes per session?) and is generally nice and friendly and not hostile or threatening or Richard-like. He eventually goes to see how Moley is doing on Richard's homework. Moley provides us with an infodump regarding the Crying Rock.

We learn that the Rock is effectively one of several *“locks”* holding Satan in Hell (this seems to contradict what we learned earlier, about it keeping him at the “infinite end” of Hell and away from the mortal world, but whatever). The Rock by itself cannot be used to free Satan . . . except that it also can, if used by someone with both Plus Magic and Minus Magic. Consistency? What? \~/

For no particular reason, Moley refers to the Crying Rock as *“that black stone.”* Richard says that he never said it was black; he just described the shape and size. Which . . . is moronic. \~/ Why wouldn't Richard mention the color? He was specifically asking Moley to gather as much information as possible about the damn rock; why wouldn't he give Moley as much information about it as he had?

Moley learns that the Crying Rock is amber, which apparently means that it has been touched by a wizard's tears, and makes it repulsive to the minions of Satan: *“His agents won't touch it!”* Sure. Why not?

Richard tells Moley he's going to be married. Moley passes off his hurt feelings at losing Loverboy as thinking Richard is going to marry Pasha. Richard says that no, it's someone else. Weirdly, he tells Moley *“She's the Mother Confessor,”* but neglects to mention Kahlan's actual name. Personally, I'd think it would make more sense to say my fiance's name rather than her title, but then I'm not a puppet being manipulated by a hack author.

At least, I hope not.

Moley then exposits that the winter solstice, which will be *“in a few weeks”* is when the veil is weakest, and if a Satanist has the round skrin bone, they can use it to call Satan into the world then. Richard notes that that sounds pretty ominous, but Moley pooh-poohs his fears.

Richard says he's never met anyone who was so smart and so young, which strikes Moley as hilarious. After some mutual misunderstanding, Moley explains to Richard that he is, in fact, 157 years of age. It turns out that the Big Stone Witch House has magic associated with it that slows aging. The inhabitants only age a year for every 10 or 15 years that pass in the outside world. This was done because it takes so long to train wizards; Moley's never heard of it taking less than 200 years.

And this, **this** is why I refuse to give Pasha the benefit of the doubt regarding her excessive, emotional response to Richard. Moley says that he's known her for *“over a hundred years,”* and yet her mentality is that of a young teenager. She has lived for **over a century.**

Pathetic.

Now thoroughly riled, Richard decides to go visit Pope Ann. He marches past the guards, then past Ulicia and Finella, all of whom simply back away and let the obviously-angry young man (who has threatened them all with death numerous times, and demonstrated unexpected abilities more than once) storm into the private chambers of their elderly leader.

Worst. Guards. Ever. \~/\~/

Richard confronts Ann and demands to know WTF. Ann says that she ordered Verna not to tell Richard about the time involved. Richard begs Ann to help him get the collar off, saying that Kahlan and everyone else he knows will be old by the time he gets out. Ann replies that *“Richard, by the time you are trained and leave here, the great-great-great-grandchildren of everyone you know will have died of old age and been buried in the ground for over a hundred years.”* Which, by my estimate, means Ann expects it to take about 300 years to train Richard.

Actually, that sounds about right.

Richard suddenly remembers Shota warning him about *“a trap in time,”* and realizes that this is it. And like all prophecies, this understanding comes just too late to do anyone any good, thus rendering it completely useless.

And the chapter ends.

Drinks: 8

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