Two and a Half Men

* Seasons: 12
* Episodes: 270
* Original Released: September 20, 2004 - February 18, 2016
* Distributor: CBS
* Running Time: 21 Minutes

## Season 1 (2004-2005)

* Pilot (September 20, 2004)
* Big Flappy Bastards (September 27, 2004)
* Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell (October 4, 2004)
* If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap (October 11, 2004)
* The Last Thing You Want is to Wind Up with a Hump (October 18, 2004)
* Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? (October 25, 2004)
* If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake (November 1, 2004)
* Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snootful (November 8, 2004)
* Phase One, Complete (November 15, 2004)
* Merry Thanksgiving (November 22, 2004)
* Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor (December 13, 2004)
* Camel Filters and Pheromones (January 3, 2005)
* Sarah Like Puny Alan (January 10, 2005)
* I Can't Afford Hyenas (January 31, 2005)
* Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (February 7, 2005)
* That Was Saliva, Alan (February 14, 2005)
* Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats (February 21, 2005)
* An Old Flame with a New Wick (February 28, 2005)
* I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You (March 21, 2005)
* Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark (April 18, 2005)
* No Sniffing, No Wowing (May 2, 2005)
* My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet (May 9, 2005)
* Just Like Buffalo (May 16, 2005)
* Can You Feel My Finger? (May 23, 2005)

## Season 2 (2005-2006)

* Back Off, Mary Poppins (September 19, 2005)
* Enjoy Those Garlic Balls (September 26, 2005)
* A Bag Full of Jawea (October 3, 2005)
* Go Get Mommy's Bra (October 10, 2005)
* Bad News from the Clinic? (October 17, 2005)
* The Price of Healthy Gums is Eternal Vigilance (October 24, 2005)
* A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana (November 7, 2005)
* Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers (November 14, 2005)
* Yes, Monsignor (November 21, 2005)
* The Salmon Under My Sweater (November 28, 2005)
* Last Chance to See Those Tattoos (December 12, 2005)
* A Lungful of Alan (January 2, 2006)
* Zejdź z Moich Włosów (a.k.a. Get Off My Hair) (January 16, 2006)
* Those Big Pink Things with Coconut (January 30, 2006)
* Smell the Umbrella Stand (February 6, 2006)
* Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? (February 13, 2006)
* Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! (February 20, 2006)
* It Was 'Mame,' Mom (March 6, 2006)
* A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise (March 20, 2006)
* I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey (April 17, 2006)
* A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On (May 1, 2006)
* That Old Hose Bag is My Mother (May 8, 2006)
* Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab (May 15, 2006)
* Does This Smell Funny to You? (May 22, 2006)

## Season 3 (2006-2007)

* Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts (September 18, 2006)
* Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover (September 25, 2006)
* Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark (October 2, 2006)
* Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs (October 9, 2006)
* We Called It Mr. Pinky (October 16, 2006)
* Hi, Mr. Horned One (October 23, 2006)
* Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop (November 6, 2006)
* That Voodoo That I Do Do (November 13, 2006)
* Madame and Her Special Friend (November 20, 2006)
* Something Salted and Twisted (November 27, 2006)
* Santa's Village of the Damned (December 18, 2006)
* That Special Tug (January 8, 2007)
* Humiliation is a Visual Medium (January 22, 2007)
* Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded (February 5, 2007)
* My Tongue is Meat (February 26, 2007)
* Ergo, the Booty Call (March 5, 2007)
* The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer (March 12, 2007)
* The Spit-Covered Cobbler (March 19, 2007)
* Golly Moses, She's a Muffin (April 9, 2007)
* Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro (April 23, 2007)
* And the Plot Moistens (April 30, 2007)
* Just Once with Aunt Sophie (May 7, 2007)
* Arguments for the Quickie (May 14, 2007)
* That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite (May 21, 2007)

## Season 4 (2007-2008)

* Working for Caligula (September 17, 2007)
* Who's Vod Kanockers? (September 22, 2007)
* The Sea is a Harsh Mistress (October 1, 2007)
* A Pot Smoking Monkey (October 8, 2007)
* A Live Woman of Proven Fertility (October 15, 2007)
* Apologies for the Frivolity (October 22, 2007)
* Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head (November 5, 2007)
* Release the Dogs (November 12, 2007)
* Corey's Been Dead for an Hour (November 19, 2007)
* Kissing Abe Lincoln (November 26, 2007)
* Walnuts and Demerol (December 10, 2007)
* Castrating Sheep in Montana (January 7, 2008)
* Don't Worry, Speed Racer (January 14, 2008)
* That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami (February 4, 2008)
* My Damn Stalker (February 11, 2008)
* Young People Have Phlegm Too (February 18, 2008)
* I Merely Slept with a Commie (February 25, 2008)
* It Never Rains in Hooterville (March 17, 2008)
* Smooth as a Ken Doll (April 7, 2008)
* Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot (April 14, 2008)
* Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous (April 21, 2008)
* Mr. McGlue's Feedbag (April 28, 2008)
* Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin' (May 5, 2008)
* Prostitutes and Gelato (May 12, 2008)

## Season 5 (2008-2009)

* Large Birds, Spiders and Mom (September 22, 2008)
* Media Room Slash Dungeon (September 29. 2008)
* Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo (October 6, 2008)
* City of Great Racks (October 13, 2008)
* Putting Swim Fins on a Cat (October 20, 2008)
* Help Daddy Find His Toenail (October 27, 2008)
* Our Leather Gear is in the Guest Room (November 3, 2008)
* Is There a Mrs. Waffles? (November 10, 2008)
* Tight's Good (November 17, 2008)
* Kinda Like Necrophilia (November 24, 2008)
* Meander to Your Dander (March 16, 2009)
* A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh (March 23, 2009)
* The Soil is Moist (March 30, 2009)
* Winky-Dink Time (April 13, 2009)
* Rough Night in Hump Junction (April 20, 2009)
* Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty (April 27, 2009)
* Fish in a Drawer (May 4, 2009)
* If My Hole Could Talk (May 11, 2009)
* Waiting for the Right Snapper (May 18, 2009)

## Season 6 (2009-2010)

* Taterhead is Our Love Child (September 21, 2009)
* Pie Hole, Herb (September 28, 2009)
* Damn You, Eggs Benedict (October 5, 2009)
* The Flavin' and the Mavin' (October 12, 2009)
* A Jock Strap in Hell (October 19, 2009)
* It's Always Nazi Week (November 2, 2009)
* Best H.O. Money Can Buy (November 9, 2009)
* Pinocchio's Mouth (November 16, 2009)
* The Mooch at the Boo (November 23, 2009)
* He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited (December 7, 2009)
* The Devil's Lube (December 14, 2009)
* Thank God for Scoliosis (January 11, 2010)
* I Think You Offended Don (January 18, 2010)
* David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie (February 1, 2010)
* I'd Like to Start with the Cat (February 8, 2010)
* She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime (March 1, 2010)
* The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? (March 8, 2010)
* My Son's Enormous Head (March 15, 2010)
* The Two Finger Rule (March 29, 2010)
* Hello, I am Alan Cousteau (April 12, 2010)
* Above Exalted Cyclops (April 19, 2010)
* Sir Lancelot's Litter Box (May 3, 2010)
* Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth (May 10, 2010)
* Baseball Was Better with Steroids (May 17, 2010)

## Season 7 (2010-2011)

* 818-jklpuzo (September 27, 2010)
* Whipped Unto the Third Generation (October 4, 2010)
* Mao: Oh Whoops I Thought These are Numbers (October 11, 2010)
* Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator (October 18, 2010)
* For the Sake of the Child (November 1, 2010)
* Give Me Your Thumb (November 8, 2010)
* Untainted by Filth (November 15, 2010)
* Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. (November 22, 2010)
* Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair (December 6, 2010)
* That's Why They Call It Ball Room (December 13, 2010)
* Warning, It's Dirty (January 10, 2011)
* Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste (January 17, 2011)
* Yay, No Polyps! (January 31, 2011)
* Crude and Uncalled For (February 14, 2011)
* Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (February 28, 2011)
* Tinkle Like a Princess (March 14, 2011)
* I Found Your Moustache (March 21, 2011)
* Ixnay on the Oggie Day (April 11, 2011)
* Keith Moon is Vomiting in His Grave (May 9, 2011)
* I Called Him Magoo (May 16, 2011)
* Gumby with a Pokey (May 22, 2011)
* This is Not Gonna End Well (May 29, 2011)

## Season 8 (2011-2012)

* Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud (September 19, 2011)
* A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer (September 26, 2011)
* A Pudding-Filled Cactus (October 3, 2011)
* Hookers, Hookers, Hookers (October 10, 2011)
* The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel (October 17, 2011)
* Twanging Your Magic Clanger (October 24, 2011)
* The Crazy Bitch Gazette (October 31, 2011)
* Springtime on a Stick (November 7, 2011)
* A Good Time in Central Africa (November 14, 2011)
* Ow, Ow, Don't Stop (November 21, 2011)
* Dead from the Waist Down (December 5, 2011)
* Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead (December 12, 2011)
* Skunk, Dog, Crap and Ketchup (January 2, 2012)
* Lookin' for Japanese Subs (January 16, 2012)
* Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak (February 6, 2012)
* That Darn Priest (February 13, 2012)
* Flowers World (March 5, 2012)
* A Shot of Healthy (March 12, 2012)
* Far and Piece of Cake (April 9, 2012)
* My Turn to Play (April 16, 2012)
* In Your Face Crock (April 23, 2012)
* Really Really Important (May 13, 2012)
* Center Full Boys (May 20, 2012)
* Sorry for Making Accidents (May 27, 2012)

## Season 9 (2012-2013)

* Nice to Meet You Walden Schmidit (September 17, 2012)
* People Who Love Peepholes (September 24, 2012)
* Big Girls Don't Throw Food (October 1, 2012)
* Nine Magic Fingers (October 8, 2012)
* A Giant Cat Holding a Churro (October 15, 2012)
* The Squat and the Hover (October 22, 2012)
* Those Fancy Japanese Toilets (October 29, 2012)
* Thank You for the Intercourse (November 5, 2012)
* Frodo's Headshots (November 12, 2012)
* A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes (November 19, 2012)
* What a Lovely Landing Strip (December 3, 2012)
* One False Move, Zimbabwe! (December 10, 2012)
* Slowly and in a Circular Fashion (December 31, 2012)
* A Possum on Chemo (January 14, 2013)
* The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack (February 4, 2013)
* Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy (February 11, 2013)
* Not in My Mouth! (February 18, 2013)
* The War Against Gingivitis (February 25, 2013)
* Palmdale, Ech (March 18, 2013)
* Grandma's Pie (April 8, 2013)
* Mr. Hose Says 'Yes' (April 15, 2013)
* Why We Gave Up Women (April 29, 2013)
* The Straw in My Donut Hole (May 6, 2013)
* Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! (May 13, 2013)

## Season 10 (2013-2014)

* I Changed My Mind About the Milk (September 25, 2013)
* A Big Bag of Dog (October 3, 2013)
* Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt (October 10, 2013)
* You Do Know What the Lollipop's For (October 17, 2013)
* That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam (October 24, 2013)
* Ferrets, Attack! (October 31, 2013)
* Avoid the Chinese Mustard (November 7, 2013)
* Something My Gynecologist Said (November 14, 2013)
* I Scream When I Pee (November 21, 2013)
* One Nut Johnson (December 5, 2013)
* Give Santa a Tail-Hole (December 12, 2013)
* Welcome to Alancrest (January 2, 2014)
* Grab a Feather and Get in Line (January 9, 2014)
* Run, Steven Staven! Run! (January 30, 2014)
* Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It (February 6, 2014)
* Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby (February 13, 2014)
* Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries (February 20, 2014)
* The 9:04 from Pemberton (March 6, 2014)
* Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon (March 13, 2014)
* Bazinga! That's from a TV Show (April 3, 2014)
* Another Night with Neil Diamond (April 24, 2014)
* My Bodacious Vidalia (May 8, 2014)
* Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped (May 15, 2014)

## Season 11 (2014-2015)

* Nangnangnangnang (September 24, 2014)
* I Think I Banged Lucille Ball (October 2, 2014)
* This Unblessed Biscuit (October 9, 2014)
* Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank (October 16, 2014)
* Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 (October 23, 2014)
* Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants (November 6, 2014)
* Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie (November 13, 2014)
* Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room. (November 20, 2014)
* Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer (December 4, 2014)
* On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! (December 11, 2014)
* Tazed in the Lady Nuts (January 1, 2015)
* Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. (January 8, 2015)
* Bite Me, Supreme Court (January 29, 2015)
* Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe (February 5, 2015)
* Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin (February 26, 2015)
* How to Get Rid of Alan Harper (March 5, 2015)
* Welcome Home, Jake (March 12, 2015)
* West Side Story (April 2, 2015)
* Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang (April 9, 2015)
* Lotta Delis in Little Armenia (April 23, 2015)
* Dial 1-900-MIX-A-LOT (April 30, 2015)
* Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead (May 7, 2015)

## Season 12 (2015-2016)

* The Ol' Mexican Spinach (October 29, 2015)
* A Chic Bar in Ibiza (November 5, 2015)
* Glamping in a Yurt (November 12, 2015)
* Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight (November 19, 2015)
* Oontz. Oontz. Oontz. (November 26, 2015)
* Alan Shot a Little Girl (December 3, 2015)
* Sex with an Animated Ed Asner (December 10, 2015)
* Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey (December 17, 2015)
* Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey (January 7, 2016)
* Here I Come, Pants! (January 14, 2016)
* For Whom the Booty Calls (January 21, 2016)
* A Beer-Battered Rip-Off (January 28, 2016)
* Boompa Loved His Hookers (February 4, 2016)
* Don't Give a Monkey a Gun (February 11, 2016)
* Of Course He's Dead: Part 1 (February 18, 2016)
* Of Course He's Dead: Part 2 (February 18, 2016)