Don't Laugh At Mr Hinkle (Caillou Lost Episode)

That's true it happens every year. Sorry folks, I was just writing up my memoirs entitled Requiem For A Scarecrow. Now, I am a scarecrow and sadly I am not a very respected one. Well, at least I am not respected by the locals anyway as the only people in this world who seem to give a darn about me happen to my friends at the local farm, and oh did I mention that these friends happen to be pumpkins? Yes, my only friends are the pumpkins but before you go calling me a real salmon sandwich, let me explain to you if I may that the pumpkins are sentient and can talk. The pumpkins were magical you see, and had come right from the truck of an old witch who was on her way to make a tree of chocolate coins that were so tasty that not even Poppa Smurf could dare resist them. I am considered the big good around the pumpkin patch, and the pumpkins very much look up to me as they happen to be blissfully unaware that I am actually leading them to their demises by making them in the annual Jack Olympics which I named after myself as I am quite the vain scarecrow if I may say so myself. So vain I probably think this patch is about me. The winner of the Jack Olympics is then named The King Of The Patch, and is played on display at the front of the display to be more precise. I spearheaded the scheme with the help from my boss Farmer Francis we owed a lot of money to local gangster Salvatore Valestra. Valestra was the biggest crime boss in town, and he was a real meanie as he frequently threatened me because I was sadly a real idiot and borrowed money from Sal. Why I had borrowed money from an infamous crime boss? Well, I thought that I could use the funds made from said sale, and go on a trip to Los Angeles where I would seek my fortune, but sadly the city spat me out like a bad case of hams. A scarecrow has no place in the city of gold so they said, I thought that I could prove them wrong but alas twas not meant to be.

Salvatore Valestra has since been on my case everyday asking about the money, and he is a very scary man despite being older than the pyramids. OLDER!? He also had to have an oxygen tank with him at all times for when got heated in the back of his bulletproof limo. Needless to say, Farmer Francis was furious when he found out about him owing money, and he chewed me out during supper one night when we having corn fritters. There's something about corn fritters that just makes you wanna cry. Und I did. Farmer Francis was a horrid man despite his dumb exterior, not only did he have horrifically bad wind and farted all the damn time but he also forced me to sleep outside on a pole like scarecrows tend to do ya know? Farmer Francis hated me already because a prank I attempted to pull on him went wrong. You see; I had made Francis some Rice Krispy treats laced with Mega Colon Blow, Why had I done this? Well, Francis had forbade me from taking a day's leave. I wanted a day's leave so that I could attend the annual tumbleweed convention with my fellow scarecrows Rodney Crow, and The Scarecrow from Wizard Of The Oz who seems to have lost his way ever since the NYPD caught wind of his smuggling business. His real name was Desmand Noels by the by. Probably should have said that earlier, but I didn't cause I'm quite the bastard of a scarecrow all things considered. Farmer Francis didn't want me to go as I had to stand out on the lawn from 8'o clock in the evening til 12 in the afternoon. Unbelievable! No scarecrow can handle that! So, my plan was to get back at Francis by making him dump one out in front of his visiting relatives from Kanas City. Sadly, Farmer Francis' best friend Joe Rogan was at the house helping us paint as he heard that we paint houses, and he saw what I was doing and tricked me into eating one of the Rice Krispy treats that I had labelled safe to eat unaware that the wily Rogan had switched them around. I ended up unloading inside of the trophy for the Jack Olympics right in front of the other pumpkins who just look shocked and a little bit aroused. Hmm, I don't like that. "Dear God that's wretched." One of the pumpkins remarked.

After that embarrassing incident, I was forced to stay on guard on the pole for all time, and I was not allowed to leave unless I had a plan on how I could get the money needed to pay back Sal Valestra. I was tormented constantly by the local street sweepers who would throw cans of beer at me, and they would also pull SICK jokes on me like sticking a pack of Starbursts into my pocket knowing that I would not be able to reach it, and I call could do was cry for a fly to come and save me. Eventually, a fly did show up and began rapping on my hat, but the bloody thing sounded like David Spade which made me angry as I wanted the fly to sound like someone with actual talent. Ooh yeah I went there. Ahem, now I really wanted to break free from the stigma that scarecrows were nothing but lapdogs for the farmers to use as bait for the crows that invade their crops at night when the thunder strikes upon the hill. I was always given the most horrid of jobs by Francis such as cleaning up leaves from the ground during the fall season, feeding the pigs who were very aggressive and on steroids because Farmer Francis believed that his pigs should have the muscles of a WWE champion, and I had to fill up the pig silo which I sometimes filled up with the corn fritters that Francis gave me for me tea as they tasted really bad. Like they had bird seeds in them. I really had a bone to pick with that damn Farmer Francis, as not only did he cost me my trip to the annual tumbleweed convention in Maine, but he also caused me to lose my one true love; Emily Oswin. Oswin my one true love, but sadly it was not to be. When we were together, I was a very different scarecrow. I had a lot of passion back then, and I had dreams to take my place in the Sun and Oswin supported me. Sadly, it went downhill because I invited her to see me perform a stand up routine I had been working on in front of my pumpkin brethren. Now, it actually worked when I performed for them, but then I decided to take my routine to the big leagues and by that I mean I performed at a comedy club called The Dripping Slipper.

The comedy routine involved me making horrid puns such as walking up to a well that was on the stage with me and asking, "hey are you well?" "No I'm Frank." The well would say. The idea was that the puns would be so horrible you just had to laugh, or at least I think that was the point as my homies Jerry and Rodney had written the material for me. Sadly, I got a severe case of nerves and I ended up tripping down the steps as I climbed onto the stage which caused my chest to accidentally get a tear in it, and while trying to sow it back together I caused several stacks of hay to spill out. I tried to put the hay back in it as the audience began booing and heckling me and throwing tomatoes right at my head which I wore a bucket over it because I believe in one thing and that is buckets. I ended up falling over again in a mess of tomato juice, and I looked up to see Oswin leaving the comedy club through the fire exit. She looked back at me with contempt in her eyes, as she took off her engagement ring and gave it a Willem Dafoe looking freak who ate the ring for his tea. I got up from the floor, and brushed my sweater off as I yelled, "one day you will be sorry." "We already are!" One of the audience members jeered. After Oswin left to catch the plane to Mickey Mouse Land wink, I made a vow to never love another which is kind of a problem when a lot of the female pumpkins keep trying to seduce me much to my anger. I do not want to screw a pumpkin! What do I look like a fricking sausage roll? I needed to get the money for Valestra, but how? I eventually decided that it was not worth it, and I decided to give up, but that's when the pumpkins suggested that I join them for a movie night that they were planning on having. They were planning on watch a very special episode of Caillou which was never supposed to be on television. "IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE HUMORUS!?" I yelled angrily at the pumpkins who suggested it to me who were conjoined twins named the Rosato Brothers. They were known as the meanest pumpkins in town, but I had an arrangement with them and I provided them with documents which helped to exempt them from performing farm duty. Yes, we have pumpkins do the work for us sometimes because we want them to become nice and juicy when they are put up for auction at the county fair.

The Rosato Brothers were mean to everyone else, but they treated me nicely as they knew that one stomp from my frog shaped wellies would be enough to send them to the great pumpkin patch in the sky. One of the Brothers was on the small size and his name was Carmine while the other was named Anthony and he was a big chungus of a pumpkin I tell you what! Well Jack," Carmine began before continuing with, "this just so happens to be an episode of Caillou that was never supposed to be aired." "And?" I asked with a raised eyebrow as Carmine then said, "the episode is all about giving justice to that series' underdog Mr Hinkle. In many ways, he reminds me of you Jack." According to Carmine, this never before seen episode was actually produced for a staff party at PBS when someone at the place suggested what would happen if Caillou's neighbour that's Mr Hinkle btw lost his cool. Mr Hinkle for those of you who don't know is the neighbour of Caillou, and he is very friendly despite looking like a sinister banister, but he was often mocked behind his back by the residents of Caillou's town because he was very old and also for smelling like a badly cooked salmon. Carmine then went on to explain that this episode showed what happened when Mr Hinkle decided he wanted to change all that, and decided to make a stand about something. "So are you coming Jack?" Anthony asked. "Huh?" I cried at the top of my lungs after being taken by surprise like some kind of Luca Brasi as I then realised or came to realise rather that the Rosato Brothers had decided to reschedule the nightly show so that it played during the day instead of the night as ole Francis would never suspect his workforce of watching films or TV shows during work hours. Thankfully, Farmer Francis wouldn't be around for a few hours as he was on a wild goose chase up in Burbank. No joke, he was hunting a goose as he wanted to see to make a chocolate goose moose. Huh? After being told where the premiere was going to be taking place in the very back of the farm next to the trash cans and pink custard boxes, I ripped myself free from the pole as I sang, "now I get it let's go!"

I began walking towards the backlot without a care in the world, and I was staring towards the beautiful sunrise with a 100 yard stare unaware that Anthony and Carmine were tangled around my legs. They cried for me to help, but I didn't listen and I kept on walking until we reached the backlot which is where dreams came to be and bees came to dream. I sat on down on the grassy plains as I saw that a projector had been set up in front of me, but that's what I when heard a noise coming from underneath my ass. I got up from the floor and saw a square shaped pumpkin who I had dubbed Spookly. Spookly was square shaped, and because of that his pumpkin brethren treated him like the enemy. I did nothing to help Spookly whenever the other pumpkins primarily Carmine made fun of him, and I actually laughed at their insults. Spookly was a little snitch anyway, and he didn't seem to really want to watch the episode with us. "I don't know if I can do it." Spookly said rather sheepishly as I laughed before proclaiming, "sure you can! Come on!" If I was going to suffer from watching Caillou, then I sure as heck was going to make everyone else suffer through it with me. I picked Spookly up with my throbbing hands which were sweating like Pumbaa in a Primark store, and I placed him down on the ground next to me as I sat myself down in the very heart of the grassy plains as the Rosato Brothers busied themselves by getting the projector ready. Once it was prepared, the Rosato Brothers sat down on the other side of me as Carmine leaned over and whispered, "braise yourself." "I plan to." I said smugly as the projector started with a brief ad which had a man named Mr Creme waking up in his little shack, and he walked on over to the side of his room where he saw a photo of a Creme Egg. He posed for awhile as he raised his eyebrows before asking, "hey what's your name? Egg? That's a beautiful name!" Mr Creme and the Creme Egg then sat together on a sofa sipping on a cup of tea and a plate of crumpets while they watched Godfather 3. It's not considered the best one, but hey's that just me.

Suddenly, for a fraction of a second, Mr Hinkle's face came on screen and he looked very smelly. He looked proper nasty, and was grinning a wide ear to grin, and his teeth were sharper than any knife. Oh man look here! I sniffed a pile of straw as you do when you're a scarecrow as the episode then began with the normal theme song of Caillou which was just really mean. For starters, Caillou was shown whipping a tiger which then lost it's cool and proceeded to rip the young whipper to shreds. Serves ya right! Then there was a scene where Daddy was shown trying to get a tooth out from Rosie's mouth by using the string on the door knob trick, and it ended up causing her entire jaw to dislocate making Mommy glare at Daddy who blushed heavily, and lastly there was a shot of Caillou running through the town being chased by a bear because Caillou had been poking it with a stick because he thought that the bear had sweets shoved up his ass or something along those lines, or perhaps I should say margins. In any case, the episode started with the Grandmother reading a story to her kids as normal. Well, one of her kids was shown sitting on the living room wall and was having a weird fantasy about Dwayne Johnson working out in a gym, and that's when The Rock himself came bursting through the walls carrying a massive fish which may have been a Sicilian message. Dwayne Johnson then picked up the two kids on his shoulders as he proclaimed, "come with me and I'll tell you a little story!" They walked through the town, but ended up taking a side stop at a little rundown parking lot which was the one place in town which had always stayed the same but was soon to become a mini mall. It's just like it's just like a mini mall! Oh man I know you're gonna like this as Dwayne Johnson sat his kids down on a bench and he went over to a nearby vending machine, and bought himself a smelly bottle of soda. He drank the soda down as he then proclaimed, "oh man that's better." Also, the light of the Sun shone brightly upon Dwayne's head as he smiled widely as he then produced a book out of thin air as he then said, "well my dear friends, I wonder what Caillou did today." The cover of the book showed Mr Hinkle sticking his head through the living room window of Caillou's home and he looked incredibly angry, meanwhile Caillou just looked scared. So very scared indeed. Probably should briefly mention that I hate Caillou so very much, and when I was a young scarecrow rolling barrels in the fields me Grandma used to make me watch it as she claimed there was a lesson to be learnt there. Yes, scarecrows have grandmas and are you really surprised?

Ahem! Sorry I had a straw in my throat, Dwayne The Rock Johnson gave the episode's title as Don't Laugh At Mr Hinkle, and the episode began like any normal episode on a bright and sunny day. Caillou was shown throwing a ball around his backyard with Leo who was the not Leo that I knew as he had been replaced with an old fart named Leo Galente who was now so frail you could break him in half like a Twix chocolate bar. I was very glad however that the real Leo was not present as I found him to be a terrible influence on Caillou, and he would often trick Caillou into breaking into homes with him over in Monty Square which would serve to really shock the windows who are sentient over on Caillou Street. The Hills Have Eyes? More like The Windows Have Eyes am I right? Sorry, I'm still working on material for my upcoming stand up routine over at Carnegie Hall. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Walk. Leo also had horrid flatulence which might be a problem when the young lad has to take his medical entrance exam. Sorry about that friend, anyways, Caillou and Mr Galente were throwing a ball around for awhile and they ended up accidentally throwing the ball across the yard into Mr Hinkle's backyard. The ball had been thrown with such a thrust that it ended up smashing the window of ole Hinkle's house. Mr Hinkle came out on the doorstep, and he seemed to be rather indifferent about the ball breaking it. He grabbed the ball out from the shards of broken glass, and headed on over to where Caillou was watching from a nearby fence. He looked very sheepish, as he looked over to ole Leo Galente who was just glaring at him. "Sorry Mr Hinkle, I should have been a little more careful." Caillou apologized which seems rather out of character for that little brat, but Mr Hinkle was a very kind man or at least he pretended to be as he then handed Caillou the ball as he said, "that's okay son, just be a little more careful next time."

Mr Hinkle then turned on his heel, and headed back inside his house where I learned that he had his brother Mr Grouse staying with him. So many Mr's, but where is the forename? Mr Mrs! Ha ha no! Anyways, ole Grouse was actually not the brother of Mr Hinkle as had been foretold, as in reality ole Grouse was actually just a really close family friend who used to eat with Mr Hinkle in the back of a chippy where the owner would feed and encourage them all the while dealing with complaints regarding a scandal involving Doctor Pepper. Mr Grouse and Mr Hinkle were very close friends back in the day, and had actually fought in the army together where they would share salty crackers while discussing their plans for when the war came a close. Sadly, in recent years Mr Grouse had become very mean and now bunked with Mr Hinkle as a lodger, because the old Hinkle was quite the pushover which seemed to be his one major character flaw. Old Hinkle was far too trusting he was. Mr Grouse was incredibly mean as not only did he hog all of the gravy during Mr Hinkle's famous Sunday roasts, but he also frequently barged into Mr Hinkle's bedroom late at night to yell at him about he really should be doing more to help the communality. Really, and what are you doing Mr Grouse? In any case, Mr Grouse was lazing around in the kitchen and there was a plate of cake crumbs sitting on the checked table. Mr Hinkle walked on over to the fridge which was coloured pink, much to Mr Hinkle's anger as that had been an addition by Mr Grouse who was also very cruel and used to wash his Doberman in the washing machine as he claimed that Dobermans wash better with Calgon. The utter bastard. In any case, Mr Hinkle opened the fridge up, and upon doing so he made a horrified face as he cried, "where is my carrot cake? Where is it? It can't have just got up and walked away can it?" He asked the last part of that particular question in an incredibly dumb tone of voice, as he turned over to where Mr Grouse was sitting and it was very clear that fat bugger had eaten it as cake crumbs all over his jacket but Mr Hinkle decided to be a bit more formal as he asked, "did you eat my carrot cake Grouse?" "Ah shut up boyio! Cakes make yer fat and lazy they do!" Mr Hinkle barked as he began reading from a newspaper which stank like the richest noodles in the frying pan that had of to been made from dreams. Mr Hinkle made no comment, and just glared at Mr Grouse as incredibly weird music played in the background.

Suddenly, Mr Hinkle jumped up in the air and hit the ceiling like a cat as he realised that he was running late for work at the factory. Mr Hinkle walked out from the house, and on the way to the work he past by Daddy who was trimming his hedge, and he nearly took off Mr Hinkle's head with the hedge trimmers as he asked, "oh Mr Hinkle will you help?" "Well, I'm kind of running late for work young man." Mr Hinkle said as Daddy then rather arrogantly I might add made a comment under his breath about how he was trying to get the house nice and proper so that his realty agent Nick Withers could come and weigh the weighing scales in order how much the house was worth in regards to the value of the land and other boring things that only relators could understand. Mr Hinkle sighed heavily and coughed for awhile because old people do that, as he then picked up a trowel from under Daddy's nose as he said, "conduct me where you will." This made Daddy very pleased it did, as he then got Mr Hinkle to use the hedge trimmers on a bush which was located at the very backend of the backyard, and the hedge was rumbling a bit but Mr Hinkle paid it no mind as he began trimming the hedge, and once he had done the deed he realised why there had been such a rumbling as a bunch of spiders came out from it. Oh sorry did I say a bunch of spiders? What I really meant to say was a fricking truckload of spiders came out from the hedge, and they swarmed all around Mr Hinkle who cried, "get them off! Get them off! Help me! Help me please with eggs and cheese!" Daddy then ran inside the house, and locked the door tight as he then peered out from his living room window which was covered in mould. Clean your window good Sir! Daddy then proceeded to issue Mr Hinkle instructions on how to rid himself of the spiders through the window. He suggested rolling around on the grass which Hinkle did, but it had no effect as Daddy then decided that he would help after all. He ran outside into the backyard holding a shovel as he began beating the snot out of ole Hinkle in an attempt to kill the spiders. This entire scene was being watched by the entire neighbourhood including Caillou and Leo Galente and they were all laughing hysterically. Leo Galente turned to face Caillou as he remarked, "now that's funny." Also, Leo Galente's voice was incredibly gruff sounding and sounded like someone who had smoked 5000 packs of cigarettes a day. According to rumours, Leo used to sound like Minnie Mouse back in the old days, but time has past him and perhaps it was time for him to fly to Southern skys.

The episode then cut to show Mr Hinkle finally arriving at his work having finally rid himself of the spiders, and he walked into the reception as the front desk manager then said that the big boss wanted to have a word with ole Hinkle. Mr Hinkle gulped heavily as he made his way through the hallways which all displayed pictures of old people dancing on a stage, but they weren't very good at it and looked like they were going to cry onion cats. Arriving at the end of the hallway, there was a door which simply read, "MR PACKER," and it was written in big golden letters. Opening the door, Mr Hinkle came face to face with his boss who was sitting not on a chair goodness gracious no as he was instead sitting on top of the desk, and he looked very pleased or so it seemed at first as the man then introduced himself as Todd Packer. He was introducing himself to Mr Hinkle despite Hinkle being his employee, as he believed that all of his employees needed to hear the name of their boss in order to remind them of their place in the vast world of business. Todd Packer... man he was a real piece of work as he was a loud mouth, cruel, and harsh son of a gun who appeared to have a thing for ole Hinkle as while insulting Hinky for being late he mentioned that he was kind of hot. Uh phone a friend? "Now lad, what are we going to do with you?" Todd Packer asked as he leaned back on the table and began posing like he was in Titanic or something as Mr Hinkle then suggested, "if I am to be fired, could you please give me three months notice just so's I can get my affairs in order?" "Ha!" Packer laughed mockingly as he then bent over and pulled a cupcake out from his ass which was covered in the thickest icing that you ever did see, and it was coloured green like envy. Todd Packer then said, "my boy don't be absurd! Fire you? And what then? If I were to fire you, who would do all of the really boring jobs that let's face it no one else wants to do aside from you because you're such a massive pushover." Mr Hinkle found Packer's comment about him being a pushover to be bang out of order, but he decided to make no comment out of it as he really didn't want to lose his job as he would be forced to get a job sweeping the roads like some kind of Joe, and he would have no choice on the roads he got to sweep either as he would to have sweep roads on streets where the old ladies at a nearby café would point and laugh at him because of how pathetic he was. Just thinking about them laughing was starting to make ole Hinkle's stomach churn, but he dropped the thought. Oh, perish the thought dear Hinkle!

Todd Packer then revealed that he intended to give Mr Hinkle a promotion of sorts as he was no longer working the conveyor belt of the factory, and was instead going to be doing a little outside work as it was a beautiful day outside after all. To top it all off, Packer then gave Mr Hinkle the cupcake and he ate it all up in one bite as Packer bit his lip as he wondered if perhaps he had gone too far this time, but he shook it off as he needed more money to save up for a big holiday he was planning on taking to Florida. He really wanted to go to a crocodile amusement park down there, but will the bad guys let him do it? Wait a second, he is a bad guy! "And I bet you're probably wondering what this new job entails?" Packer asked as Mr Hinkle simply responded by nodding his head as he then began to feel a little sick but he shook it off as he was a massive Taylor Swift fan after all despite what the papers claimed and the new job that Packer had assigned to Hinkle was incredibly mean spirited. Mr Hinkle was to stand at the front of the factory dressed up as a clown waving a sign that read, "Spend The Money Here At Packman's," and then I learned what the factory sold. They sold carboard boxes with shards of glass in them, and it was mainly done as a joke as the factory was not a real factory at all more like a mock factory or at least that was the intention originally. You see; Todd Packer was a committed practical joker and he wanted everything to look as professional as possible so he hired real employees, a real PR team, and other things and eventually it went from being a little joke factory at the end of the street to a thriving business empire the likes of which the marvellous city had not yet known. Anyways, Hinkle's job was to wave the sign around from 4'o clock in the morning till 6'o clock at night. Unbelievable! No Hinkle can handle that! Mr Hinkle had been given the most embarrassing clown costume that Packer could find with the oversized shoes, a blue nose instead of a red nose because Packer was allergic to the colour red on the account of a bad incident on Red Nose Day which happened during the choir as Packer was quite the talented man during his youth oh how things change, and there was also one of those squirty flowers which squirted out not water only ass water which smelt so bad that your nose would cease to work once you got a whiff of the pongy mixture.

Everyone began laughing at Mr Hinkle as a large crowd had formed on the streets outside the factory, and a man who looked remarkably like a scarecrow was laughing the most as he laughed like a seal that had a spike shoved up it's ass while his wife just looked really confused and like she had wondered into the wrong episode. Mr Hinkle was then ordered by Packer who was relaying orders to him via megaphone to juggle some balls which were all pink and that was the closest to red that Packer could ever go. Mr Hinkle started juggling the balls, and he ended up making a real mess as he was no juggler, and he then turned to leave only to get a marmite pie shoved in his face by Packer as the scarecrow looking man then threw a lasso around the running Hinkle's neck as he proclaimed, "oh come back here boyio! We love to see your smile!" Mr Hinkle was pulled down onto the ground which had chewing gum and cigarettes all over it as everyone continued to laugh at him, but he managed to break free from the rope and he looked like he was finally about to lose his cool which made the smiles vanish from the faces of everyone including the scarecrow man, Todd Packer, and the local investors from Investorville. Mr Hinkle's face suddenly turned pale as he then began turned around, and ran towards a restroom which made everyone laugh again as it turned out Mr Hinkle had spiked the cupcake with a bunch of things including laxatives, ipecac, and even some worms from his garden which were sentient much like the windows we discussed earlier, and the worms were very friendly and loved to play squash but were also used by the town as the master disablers of bombs, but that's a story for another day. Stay another stay another day! I wiped the tears from my nose as yes I can cry and I began wiping them with my straw ridden hands, as on the screen Mr Hinkle found that the only bathroom he could find was bolted shut and had a large out of order sign hanging upon the mantle as he then turned around and began throwing up violently, and he nearly gasped when he saw that he thrown over a local pastor who grabbed Hinkle by the ear as he used his other arm to point at the church as he yelled, "go to the church and ask God to forgive you!"

At the local church, Mr Hinkle was forced to make a donation before entering as believe it or not it takes quite a lot of money to keep that church up and running. Inside the church, Mr Hinkle made his way into a confession booth as the little window thing opened up as another priest named Clement Hedges appeared and asked, "do you want to confess?" Mr Hinkle apologized for vomiting on a man of the church, and promised that he would make up for it in any way possible. "Well here's your chance." Hedges said as the church service was beginning to play, and it was time for the choir. The choir teacher was incredibly mean as she made people stand up and sing on their own and they sounded very awkward and everyone just stared at them as they munched on cookies they had bought from the local Tesco down the street, as the cookies that the church sold at the confectionary stands were very bitty and had dust particles all around the bags that they had come in, which were the same damn bags used to pick up bits of dog shit out on the grounds now that's just disgusting. I can't even make a joke about that one, but in any case the choir teacher started her session as Mr Hinkle sat himself down on one of the pews as she sang a song which was about a racecar driver who despite being mistreated by society eventually grew to overcome the trials and tribulations that society had thrown her way, and Mr Hinkle found himself getting inspired but that's when the gut feeling came back again and he really needed to take a dump but just as he was about to get up he was grabbed by the stomach by the choir teacher who demanded that Hinkle sing her favourite tune that being Doctor Knickerbocker. The less said about that tune the better, and Mr Hinkle stuttered over the words as he then shat all over the pews. It sounds funny now, but in truth it was horrific as the worms from before appeared and were waggling their eyebrows at the choir teacher who fainted and Hedges pointed at Hinkle as he yelled, "get out of the church until you've redeemed yourself!" "What if I don't want to?" Mr Hinkle asked as he made a step towards the wily Hedges who smiled showing off his rat teeth as he pulled out a red lightsaber and said, "it's treason then." Not wanting to fight in the house of miracles, Mr Hinkle simply turned around and left through the back exit as he knew for sure that the crowd from earlier was going to be at the front doors.

Mr Hinkle had decided to call a cab to take him home as he was really tired, and just wanted to relax on his sofa and watch the telly as he was rather behind on his soaps, however the cab was far too busy for him as it was being driven by Mr Rush who had no time to wait as when he pulled up on the pavement Mr Hinkle was limping because of his fall earlier in the episode, and had a load of bags that he wanted to take with him which may have been stolen goods from the church's confectionary stand. Nicking goods from the church? Maybe you're not so good after all Mr Hinkle. "I no have time for that!" Mr Rush yelled impatiently as he drove down the road only to end up crashing into a tree, and upon getting out from the wreckage he was then chased down the road by an incredibly fat man who thought that Mr Rush was a sandwich as he was shaped like one after all. Mr Hinkle began to make the long trek home as a bus past him by, and it ran over a massive puddle which caused a fucking tidal wave to crash down upon the wily Hinkle who then looked at the screen completely dumbfounded as I then turned to face Carmine and Anthony the evil conjoined pumpkins as I asked, "I request permission to end this cruelty of an episode." "In a moment Jack." Anthony said who was incredibly fat for a pumpkin just saying while Carmine laughed evily as he then said, "yeah Jack a lesson needs to be learnt here." I was about to say something, but I decided against it as I didn't like confrontations as the episode then cut to a brief advertisement which had a superhero looking dude walking through the streets as he sang, "I wanna buy your house I wanna buy your house I wanna I wanna I wanna buy your house right now!" He then walked over to a house owned by an old couple who looked horrific as he then proceeded to throw them out onto the streets as the old man then cried, "but we already owe more than its worth!" "I wanna buy your house I wanna I wanna I wanna buy your house!" The superhero sang as he was a mad man, and we should put him away where he can't kill or maim us but this is LA and he's rich and famoussssssssssssss! Sorry about that, but that clip made me feel uneasy as I then turned over to see that Spookly wasn't even watching the episode and was busy playing with a bunch of spiders who were trying to teach bees how to sing. Bees don't sing! Or do they? No they don't, and that was the end of that.

After that damn clip ended, it came back to show Mr Hinkle arriving at his house and was dismayed to learn that he was unable to unlock the front door as he had not taken the key with him, and he had no spare key and the only key to getting inside was currently in the control of Mr Grouse. Using the letterbox, Mr Hinkle stuck his disgusting frost bitten lips through the gap as he cried, "oh Grouse let me in! Let me in!" "Not a chance!" Mr Grouse cried who was busy doing the washing up, as he refused to let Mr Hinkle come inside for tea until he had some Artic Rolls as Artic Rolls were the only thing that ole Grouse could eat. He just got no pleasure in the eating of a meal. Realising that Mr Grouse was not going to let up, Mr Hinkle decided that he would just head to the local shop and get some Artic Rolls, and on the way to the shop Mr Grouse popped out the window and waved his walking stick about like a mad man as he proclaimed, "and make sure you get the extra stuffed ones eh Hinky?" Mr Hinkle groaned as he made his way inside the shop, and low and behold he found a box of Artic Rolls, and it was the last box in the store but just as he was reaching for it he got an almighty whack on the head by a walking stick wielding old lady who yelled, "get your hands off me Artic Rolls sonny! I've had me eyes on that since yesterday's dawn." The old lady then began beating up Mr Hinkle, but he managed to use her beating of him to his advantage as while beating the poor Hinkle the old lady failed to see that Mr Hinkle had stuffed the box inside of his trousers and he ran out of the shop covered in bruises and with two of his front teeth now missing, and he then ran all the way back to his house and handed Mr Grouse the Artic Rolls through the letterbox. Mr Grouse sneered at the box, as he remarked, "well they are a bit squashed, but I suppose it will have to do. Now come inside and help me make toast." Toast? Fucking toast for tea time!? Mr Hinkle was starting to lose his last nerve, but he took off one of his socks which was very wet and moist for some reason and shoved it in his ear as he thought that might chill his brain from going bananas in any case anything else dare go wrong today, but boy was he wrong.

Sitting down at the living room table, Mr Hinkle was then stopped in his tracks as he fell into the floor because ole Mr Grouse had pulled the chair right from under him. "Hang on a minute before you go much further, you need to mow the lawn as it's becoming obscenely long! We have ole Nick Withers coming to see us in an hour, and if our house isn't up to snatch then the government won't send us any more dosh!" Mr Grouse whined as Mr Hinkle then sat back down on another chair to collect his thoughts, but he ended up letting out a fart as a leftover side effect of the rotten cupcake he consumed earlier, and the fart nearly caused Mr Grouse to spit out his tea. Mr Hinkle sighed, and got up from his chair stretching a stretch which nearly caused his back to snap like a twig, and he put his iconic hat upon his dripping head as he made his way out onto the backyard to end all backyards as he found that the lawnmower in all it's majesty was waiting for him, and the Sun was shining upon the mighty gardening apparatus as if it was waiting for him to serve it and not in that way. He walked over the mower, and began pulling the wires, but the damn thing wouldn't start! "Come on!" Mr Hinkle cried in despair. Meanwhile at Casa La Caillou, Daddy and Mommy were busy showing their realtor Nicholas Withers or Nicky as everyone preferred to call him much to his poorly concealed anger as he had a massive grin upon his face which he struggled to get rid of. Daddy brought Nicky into his bedroom and showed him the golden door knob which led to his on suite bathroom. Withers seemed to have a thing for the door knob, and he twisted the door knob as he then moaned before saying, "oh lovely." I think he liked that door knob a bit too much, as Withers then turned to face Daddy and Mommy as he said, "you have the fanciest..." Suddenly, there was a loud ringing noise which interrupted Wither's speech. "What?" Daddy asked as Withers tried to say it again, "you have the fanciest..." "I have the fanciest ring?" Daddy asked as he looked at the screen with an incredibly weird face as Mommy then ordered Daddy to sort out Caillou who was playing with his clown telephone in his bedroom which stank of prawns, as Daddy worked as a fishmonger and this was his real job. Ah the plot thickens! It's so thick it's almost a crime.

Daddy basically demanded that Caillou stop playing so rough with the clown telephone which could speak and it had a black eye and a bashed in face as it said, "he broke me Daddy." "My son!" Daddy cried as he hugged the clown telephone tightly as he then ordered Caillou to come downstairs for an evening breakfast which Daddy hoped to make a new tradition in the house of Caillou. "I don't want to!" Caillou barked at the top of his lungs as Daddy's face then became red and twisted with pure malice as he said coldly, "come downstairs and help me make toast!" Nick Withers' face then came on screen and he was smiling that same damn smile. Oh good lord send help for I do not like that smile, but thankfully his DISGUSTING face got off the screen in just two seconds flat as Caillou was forced out into the garden so that he could learn something from the flowers or so Daddy said as he had to finish up his business with Mr Withers and it could not be disturbed. Caillou began playing in the garden with the same ball that he and old man Galente were playing with at the start of the episode, and he was playing for awhile until he heard what sounded like someone swearing in the distance. He went back to playing with the ball, only to learn that the sound was actually a lot closer than he had originally thought. Caillou walked on over to his fence, and using a stepladder he was able to peer into the garden of Mr Hinkle who was swearing up a storm as he tried to get his damn lawnmower to work. The lawnmower finally seemed to be starting to work, but it turned out to be nothing more than false hope as the thing spat some oil out which got all over Mr Hinkle's shirt that he had gotten for Christmas ."Ya fucker ya fucking dish!" Mr Hinkle yelled angrily as Caillou then accidentally or intentionally you never can tell with Caillou as he ended up throwing his ball into his neighbour's garden yet again. "Oh sorry Mr Hinkle!" Caillou apologized as Mr Hinkle took off his hat as he simply responded with, "fuck you." Caillou could not believe what he was hearing, and nor could I as he sheepishly asked for his ball back. "You want your ball back?" Mr Hinkle asked and Caillou nodded as Hinkle then laughed before saying, "then take it!" He threw the ball with such force that it struck Caillou on the face and it sent him flying across the garden and he crashed into an old oak tree which used to date Daddy back when he was quite the charmer and this all happened in the Summer to end all Summers, and things were different back then ya have to understand. Mr Hinkle using a cloth wiped the sweat from his forehead as he then decided that no one was going to care if Caillou was hurt as he was a menace, but he then realised that he actually getting revenge on someone who had looked down on him, and he decided that he wanted more of this new feeling that he could not explain. Oh no.

Mr Hinkle grabbed the lawnmower and lifted it high into the sky as he proclaimed, "so long lawnmower!" He threw the lawnmower over at the fence of Caillou's home as Daddy and Mommy came outside. Daddy looked on over to his former love the oak tree and Caillou was lying underneath it in a mess of leaves and honey as Daddy rubbed his chin before asking, "hey where's Caillou?" "Oh my!" Nicky Withers proclaimed as he came out onto the front porch eating some pumpkin pie as he asked, "is that young man quite alright?" "Well let me have a look at him." A voice said in the distance as the family doctor: Doctor Abraham Foulkes made his way onto the scene and he began examining Caillou as Daddy then turned to see that Mr Hinkle had been the one to harm his bald headed son as he cried, "Hinkle you bastard!" Mr Hinkle was busy however as he was already getting revenge on his former best friend Mr Grouce. Mr Hinkle headed back inside his house and saw that Mr Grouse was trying to solve a Toy Story 2 jigsaw puzzle which ahd most of the pieces missing, and Mr Grouse looked genuinely surprised as he asked, "finished already?" Mr Hinkle didn't respond as he made his way up the stairs to the guest room where Mr Grouse made his lodgings, and using a baseball bat he found at the back of his shed he basically gave in full vent to his anger and proceeded to break everything in sight including all of Mr Grouse's Vinyl records including the ones from Onkar Judge who was the favourite singer of that old moustached man. "What are you doing!?" Mr Grouse yelled angrily as he appeared in the door holding his box of precious Artic Rolls under his smelly armpit. "Ya like Artic Rolls da ya fat man?" Mr Hinkle asked as he had become a mad man or mad Hinkle I guess as he ran on over to Mr Grouse, and picked the box up from under him and he proceeded to pull out all of the Artic Rolls from the box as he then proceeded to shove them all into the mouth of Mr Grouse who had started to choke on the ice cream as he was then pushed onto the landing by Mr Hinkle who proceeded to roll up Mr Grouse in the carpet and throw him down the stairs.

Mr Hinkle had been inspired to do that to Mr Grouse due to an incident in their childhood when they saw their old headmaster Brendan Vendergarst getting thrown the stairs by a goose because he dared not say to grace before turning in for the night. Mr Hinkle then walked on to his room, and he saw a cuckoo clock hanging from above his bed which was a present that Grouse had gotten to him, and when the clock struck 12 a little Onkar Judge came out from it and he sang, "ooooh!" Hinkle hated Onkar, and since he and Grouse were friends he never wanted to confide his feelings to his old friend but now he no longer had any morals so he smashed that clock clean off the wall with his bare hands as he made his way down the streets. And what did he do with ole Mr Grouse? Oh, he ended up rolling Grouse down a hill as he was still trapped inside the rug and couldn't get out, and he ended up rolling the way back to his home across the sea, and hopefully this time he stays there. Wow, that got dark real fast didn't it? In any case, Mr Hinkle's next and final person to intact revenge on was Todd Packer. He decided not to get revenge on Clement Hedges and the priest who yelled at him, because he feared going after the church in case they send a balloon hitman after him, which is just a regular balloon but with eyes that were red and veiny. Todd Packer was busy handling accounts or rather having his accounts be settled up by his accounts team as he decided to head into town for a steak as his friend Alex was in town. Before he could get out the door however, Mr Hinkle appeared and he was holding a massive photo album and he was smiling evily as he now had the wily Packer right where he wanted him. "Hinkle, you had no right leaving work early, so I'm sorry to say or well I'm glad to say really that you're fired." "Are you sure about that?" Mr Hinkle asked rhetorically as he falcon punched Packer which sent him flying to the other side of the room, and he put his hands up showing that he didn't wish to start a fight and he got into his chair as Mr Hinkle pointed at him before saying, "you're going to listen for once." "Ex squeeze me?" Packer asked dumbfounded. "So, for the last eight years I've been at this company, I found some pretty interesting things." Mr Hinkle said while pulling a very weird face like some kind of Coleman Reese.

Placing the photo album down on the table, Todd Packer was horrified to learn that it contained pictures of him in all kinds of nefarious businesses including his attending of a morgue party, a picture of him beating up an employee whose face looked like a melting Mickey Mouse and they just looked sad so very sad indeed, and also there were photos which proved that Packer's factory was just a sham as it showed him unloading glass shards into the cardboard boxes. As the wily Packer had lied to the government that he was ostensibly selling hats and scarves to snowmen who were extra chilly. Packer clasped his hands together as he said, "I'm sure we can work something out." It all worked out well in the end as ole Packer ended up becoming Mr Hinkle's lapdog in exchange for Hinkle not going public with the photos, and Packer's job was to basically drive Hinkle around town on one of those little choo choo trains that kids ride on, and Mr Hinkle was very evil now and he used a whip whenever he felt that Todd Packer was not going fast enough for his liking. He also never paid Packer for his services with money, and instead paid him in boxes of Walnut Whip which Packer hated as it was something his mother used to put in his stocking for Christmas as a punishment for when he had been bad which was most of the time in Todd Packer's case. Eventually, Mr Hinkle grew bored of having Packer ride him around town, and he decided to upload the photos anyway and Packer lost control of his factory with the ownership being given to Mr Hinkle. In a reaction to the lynching, Todd Packer was forced to live inside a crisp packet you figure out how that works, and he never dared to show his face in public again and now all he eats is spaghetti. All he knows is spaghetti. Boy that took a dark turn, but don't you worry as Mr Hinkle got a good ending in the end as he also taught Caillou a thing or two, as now whenever Caillou accidentally threw his ball into Hinkle's yard he would simply refuse to give it back which was something that his ex friend used to do many years ago back when both men were poor and content to be so.

Caillou and his friends would try and get their ball back, as Mr Hinkle would sleep in his garden for some reason as he liked to sleep underneath the stars but he always woke up and caught them in the act. Daddy and Mommy eventually came around on the idea of Mr Hinkle teaching their son a lesson in manners, and Daddy and Mr Hinkle ended up becoming part-time lovers with them having sardine sandwiches together on a swing in the park. They didn't say anything to each other as words not be said sometimes, also Nicky Withers declared that Mr Hinkle had the fanciest house in all of the town and he only said that because ole Withers also had a thing for Mr Hinkle, so it is true. And with that, the episode ended with the normal credits only there was no music and there was a mid credits scene which had Doctor Foulkes performing surgery on a man named Humphrey. The man awoke mid surgery as he asked Doctor Foulkes, "how did you react to the episode?" "What?" Doctor Foulkes asked baffled as the patient then died as the episode finally came to it's conclusion. I was horrified as was Spookly, but suddenly as if by magic I felt a sudden twinge of confidence enter my brain as I then got out from the grassy plains and began making my way towards the barn as Farmer Francis had finally returned. I ended up tripping on the Rosato Brothers again, but I ignored their yells as I made my way on over to the barn and knocked on the door five times as Farmer Francis finally showed up to answer it. "What are you doing around here so early? We don't have corn fritters until six you know that Jack." Farmer Francis said coldly as I then proceeded to say like some kind of Merchant, "I got something that might interest you." "What is it?" Farmer Francis asked as I made my way inside the house not even bothering to wipe my boots on the mat before entering because I no longer cared what Francis thought of me as it was my time to shine as Cletus once told the judgemental Springfield townsfolk.

Basically, I ended up resigning from my job as a scarecrow and I did a formal resignation as Farmer Francis looked at me baffled as he asked, "and what will you do now?" "I'll go wherever the wind takes me." I lied. In reality, I had made a phone call after watching that episode to a farm over in Empire Bay who were looking for scarecrows. Well, it was actually not in the city of Empire Bay itself as the farm was located on top of the hills which overlooked the city, and when the Sun hits the ridge just right the hill sings or something, but in any case I packed my bags up and headed on over to the new farm taking a few of the pumpkins with me including Spookly and the Rosato Brothers. I also got revenge on the Rosato Brothers by having them be the first pumpkins chosen for the Jack Olympics, and the pair ended up getting eaten in a delicious bowl of pumpkin soup. Only joking they were left to rot in the back of my new farm as no one wanted to bother me. Spookly meanwhile was taken a likening to by my new boss Farmer Brown who proceeded to take Spookly in with him to the house. "Where are you taking him?" I had asked but all Farmer Brown said in response was, "it's a secret." He farted violently as he then placed Spookly upon the porch next to another pumpkin named Harry who lectured the kids that came to the farm about Halloween safety, and he also hated vandalism and he wanted everyone to know it as his lectures often took bizarre detours about vandalism. Also, I told my old scarecrow buddies about what happened, but they couldn't really understand me as the reception wasn't very good at my farm. Also, i really need to say this because I feel as though I won't get another opportunity to say so but I actually met Santa Claus once at my new homestead because the old bastard had left his cat in the farm. Contrary to what many thought, Santa is a miserable old prick as his cat had actually been ran over by the combine harvester, but he didn't care as he simply remarked, "I can always get another one." You may be able to buy another cat Santa, but you can never buy love. The cat was green too, and it smelt like gone off chicken tika masala.

In any case, I hope you enjoyed my little tale of how I went from being on a farm where I was treated like dirt to a farm where I am actually rewarded for my duties with free boxes of onion rings as Farmer Brown worked as an onion ring salesman in his youth. Like some kind of John Smith, I had heard lots of stories about ole Brown as who do all who truly believe. Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go and get myself something to eat. I'm thinking of having a nice hot bowl of soup. Oh yeah, a nice bowl of pumpkin soup.