Pete Holmes, Our LIVE Friend

**"Pete Holmes, Our LIVE Friend"** is the forty-eighth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

In this first ever live Hollywood Handbook episode recorded at Molly Malone’s in LA, Sean and Hayes bring a lucky fan up on stage to do a live version of “Pitch Perfectly” with “The Wedding Singer”. Then, PETE HOLMES joins the guys to talk about suing TBS, search for love, and make fun of Hayes’ face. Finally, the first real-life Popcorn Gallery asks about Conan and Marvel.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Hayes talking over the theme: "So I'm saying to Sean... Bean: 'Dilbert's been on the air..he's been in the the newspapers for like 25 years and so there's no way Dogbert has lived that whole time, they've had to replace Dogbert at least twice." Sean then says he thinks they're on their sixth Dogbert
* The clapping in this live episode is really nice to Hayes and Sean, they usually do their episodes in a vacuum and they don't know if their listeners are able to make it to a library to access the internet to hear what they are doing -- and to see them not totally getting it but wanting to get it has been so rewarding. Engineer Brett doesn't clap in the studio, it's a coordination issue, he want's to clap but he can't.
* Brett comes up on stage as per request from Sean and Hayes, and they remark how he looks fiendish, or how he like he's on vacation. A gross fiend on a disgusting vacation (Who Charted inside tip, Brett was wearing his Summah swimsuit because he was going to perform Gu Cruise and other songs off of Howard Kremers Summah This Summah That album) Brett mentions how he thought he had tonight off since he didn't have to record them, and Hayes immediately replies with "What did we tell you about riffing?" It's a riff-free zone.
* Sean asked what time it was and Brett tried to tell Sean while he was talking, Sean remarked how he wishes he took his advice and bought one of those Flava Flav watches around his neck so he could constantly see what time it was with Indiglo techniology. (Brett couldn't find one anywhere and Hayes and Sean tell him to sit down)
* Sean and Hayes discuss how the live podcast is not actually movies, although it's pretty close.

### Guest Segment

* Hayes is taken aback whenever Pete comes onstage because he was expecting more of a Sherlock-esque comedian in terms of look. A Benedict Cumberbatch, a mystery-solving comedian. He told a joke up top then through a series of observations, the joke is revealed
* Pete loves Hayes's face right off the bat
* Pete is very disappointed that they don't seem to be fans of him but fans of his last name Holmes. Hayes and Sean assure him they're fans of his, and they love Doctor Holmes. Pete corrects them to say he's not a doctor, and that he's just a man, he's not playing Doctor Holmes like in the show House. That's what Jess and Lennon are doing (*Playing House*). They discuss their / they're in regards to Playing House
* Pete thinks Hayes's hair has a Cumbybatch look to it, but he's not trying to roast him. It's good he isn't, Pete doesn't want to tangle with Hayes. That is not something you want to do.
* Hayes and Sean talk about how Pete is involved with a lawsuit with TBS for filming him without his consent. *The Pete Holmes Show* was unbeknownst and unexplained and to him! Sean really believes that with that kind of title he really has a case for himself. They could have called it *The Big Guy Show*, *Sherlock*, *Lumbering Ogre Show*, *Large Buddy.*
* Pete thinks he has what white police call 'probable cause.' Hayes says this is a weird week to invoke the police, he doesn't want the podcast to be sued. Pete asks is he can mention Sting, causing Hayes and Pete to point to each other-- Hayes is saying, in a way, 'you got me there.' And he did.
* They continue discussing how he built a stage, they placed the camera behind a mirror that he didn't know was installed, and Pete would look into the mirror as doing what he now realizes was his show. His friends would come over and plug their projects, what they're up to. He'd always say 'we'll be right back' and throwing to tape
* Pete talks about how TBS screwed him and how there are many ways in which he can sue them, to which Hayes asks if he'll ever see any of that doughseph! The dough re mi? Money!! (Pete remarks how their face is wasted on a podcast because their facial expressions are hilarious, particularly Hayes's)
* TBS actually completely paid Pete out, that's how he got money from them. Sean asks if he likes having that money, to which Pete replied "Yeah, people like money, it makes you feel like a big man" Hayes asks what kinds of stuff he have with money? (Pete replies yet again how this show is 90% Hayes's face)
	+ You can buy rent, (big living room, hard to heat) and gotta afford that big old office space to write and shoot sketches
* Pete has kept doing the show at his house, its on its fifteenth season there.
* Pete keeps lovin' Hayes's face. Pete says Hayes's face should be a TV show where he's the fiance' and he wears long boots up to his knee and he's always hunting fox, and the fiancee loves him and thinks he comes from a good bloodline. This turns into a pitch, and Pete offers Hayes 20 backend points (out of a million). He agrees
* Pete had mentioned how he wanted to come on the show to find a long-term girlfriend. It's so hard as a comedian to find a girl who wants to attend other comedy shows, stuff like live podcast tapings and stuff like that. Something where woman are willing to travel and pay for a live podcast taping but also be willing to listen to for free at home. The boys cleared a big path to the stage when they asked if anyone wanted to be Pete's girlfriend. Pete says he is not Menudo
* Hayes and Sean ask the audience if there are any girls like that (the crowd is silent except for laughs)
* Pete continues with the storyline he's weaving around Hayes's appearance: he keeps beagles, smells of cedar, and keeps a leather-bound diary. Hayes is not embarrassed by this, he doesn't see what's so bad about owning nice things. And recording his memories in a journal so he can reflect on them later.
* Hayes and Sean repeatedly ask for engineer Cody or Brett during the popcorn gallery but they went outside. Cody comes in, and Hayes and Sean ask them how they are in time. They mention how Cody looks like he's not on vacation but hard at work painting a house
* Sean asks Pete about how technology is getting too small, like some of these iPods are getting too small, it's like cool you can fit songs in there but I'm losing the friggin' thing! It's like stuck in his sheets or something! And Sean can't necessarily trust his cleaning lady.
* Pete mentions how he is pro-computer and asks Hayes and Sean if they'll back up their mind if they're able to in 2054? Hayes knows what this means but asks Pete to tell the audience. Hayes and Sean read science books, they're nuts for them, but ask Pete to talk to the audience about the science they all understand
	+ Pete mentions how around 2054 you'll be able to back up you're entire consciousness. (Hayes and Sean: EXACTLY!)
	+ Hayes adds on to this as mentioning Google Glass, and Sean even adds on to asking if Pete has seen these helicopters now? (Pete mentions how they're just naming different, existing technologies now)
* Pete calls references 'Learies' because Dennis Leary starred in a movie called *The Ref*; Hayes points out that this itself is a reference, an ouroboros.
* Pete feels like Hayes should be in the woods, hanging up 'Wanted' posters for Robin Hood. Well he was a thief! He doesn't understand why people are going around thinking he's some kind of hero.
* The end of the show is basically all in the Recurring Segments and Jokes portions:
* Hayes asks Pete about the movie where Brendan Frasier is stuck in the time capsule-- Pete correctly identifies it as *Blast from the Past.* Hayes has to make a phone call after learning this, but it turns out to be too late. Sean asks about the movie where animals are attacking him.. Pete thinks it might be *The Mummy*, causing Sean to have to make a phone call. Hayes asks Pete if *The Mummy* is like the scariest thing he's ever seen in his life, or what! Any mummy. Pete says he's not afraid of mummies or zombies. Hayes: "Yeah right! Imagine a mummy were.. coming right up on you, and he was attacking you, and you had no defense, no weapons, imagine if you had no weapons, and you wouldn't be scared? Yeah, right." Sean made his phone call just in time. Hayes to Sean: "Did you hear that?" ... "He said that if he saw a mummy, he wouldn't even be scared, even if it was coming right up on him and he had no weapons!" "I never said that.." "Yeah right! Yeah right! Please, OK! Yeah right. You're here, mummy's here, coming at you, oh! And he sees you. He sees you. And he's coming at you. And you got no weapons. And not even like a rock, which isn't even a weapon, but you could use it as one? You got none and you're not scared? Hm. Yeah right. Forgive me, Pete? But that's a 'Yeah right,' for me."
* Pete being brave and saying he's not afraid of mummies might help him attract a girlfriend.

## Recurring Segments

* Pitch Perfectly - Hayes and Sean ask the audience if there is anyone who has ever had a dream in their lives (no-one answers) Sean asks if anyone has a favorite movie (No-one answers) Hayes mentions how he wants to do a segment where he teaches the people in the audience how to pitch a movie to a studio. (doesn't have to be an original movie, just any movie you've ever seen that you love)
	+ Someone in the audience mentions they've seen *The Wedding Singer*and Sean and Hayes ask this person if they can pitch it -- She starts off saying, 'boy meets girl' to which Sean stops her. Hayes tells her she's gonna want to start from the VERY beginning starting with 'lights up.' Dead or Alive's "Right Round (Like a Record)" and it plays. Sean has to stop her once again he tells her one fun thing she can do, is ask these movies guys a question and then you get to go, "Hey does a weddings always have singing?" and if you frame it like that the audience will go, "Hey weddings does have singing" and it puts them in this headspace where they feel like they're making movie with you.
	+ She starts over: "Have you ever been to a wedding?" Sean and Hayes are taken aback by this pitch, Sean is taking out his checkbook right now! She then goes, "you know how there's a party afterwards?" and Sean stops her.
	+ Hayes immediately corrects her saying when she made her opening pitch she forgot to mention all the people's names who would be in the movie. This woman pitches once more, saying that the movie starts, the music plays, then it cuts to New Line Cinemas Presents, then it cuts to Adam Sandler, possibly a Drew Barrymore-type... Sean stops her. He likes what she's doing with this cast, but Hayes' one note is she's not gonna get them, she came from the audience. It's embarrassing for Sean to admit but even he sometimes doesn't get through on the phone so there's no chance she from the audience would get them on.
	+ Hayes tells this woman to start at the tennis match at the beginning of the movie. She can't remember the tennis match, and then Sean asks if she can talk about when they are crashing the weddings and meeting girls? She goes on to say you have a charming Owen Wilson-type and a tall, really sarcastic, cynical Vince Vaughn-type and you know weddings? they go to weddings even though they're not invited. Sean cuts in to ask if someone is singing at the wedding but she makes sure to mention that no, nobody is singing at the wedding, they're crashing at the wedding.
	+ Sean tells her to never say 'no' to which she replies, "Yes, and"
	+ Sean and Hayes congratulate this woman on her pitch and ask for her name, they didn't hear her name though (it sounded like Betsy / or Becky). Sean mentions how important it is for people who you're pitching your movie idea to to know your name, because even if they didn't like the movie idea you just pitched, if you pitched one they liked, they're gonna want to contact you!
		- It's an important lesson, when Hayes and Sean first moved to Hollywood they pitched like 10-12 movies to a studio before they were able to track them down and pay them. The whole thing was like a Cinderella type scenario where Hayes left them a fitted shoe, and Sean left them a really cool fitted Cap. They would bring people into the studio to try on the cap to see if it fit that way they could pay them millions of dollars
* Popcorn Gallery - The popcorn Gallery theme starts to play in the middle of Pete mentioning how Sean and Hayes are simply listing technologies in regards to his comments about Human Consciousness. Hayes sings the Tim's theme as Sean tries to explain the premise of the popcorn gallery. Pete joins in singing, too.
	1. Male Audience Member: "Hi! What was it like, how did you meet Conan, and what was it like working with Conan?"
		+ Pete met Conan in court because he was suing TBS for rigging his home against his will with cameras and an audience. The court room is the new golf course. The lady who spilled hot coffee on herself and burned her lap, was Allison Janney.
	2. Audience Member: "Have you ever gotten any responses from Marvel about your, uh, X-men skits?"
		+ Nope. What do you gotta do to get the attention of big Marvel?
* Pro Version - Betsy from the audience - She slipped Sean and Hayes some cash and she wins a behind the scenes look at Pete Holmes Twitter account, she gets to see how many fav's he gets. and also an answering machine message left by Pete Holmes. Pete leaves a prank message saying, "Hey Betsy, (pause) just kidding, it's your answering machine!"

## Recurring Jokes

* Newspaper Comics - The dogs portraying Dogbert is discussed over the opening theme
* Flyover States - Hayes and Sean want to talk about how Hollywood can be fun sometimes. Movies can be fun sometimes, and they want people who live over in flyover states to learn about movies. First lesson is that this live show is not movies. You are sitting down, but the difference is that movies is on the screen and the screen is paper. But this show is not paper, it is people.
* Speak on That - Sean asks Pete to speak on what is so hilarious about Hayes's facial expressions. Pete says Hayes's face should be a TV show where he's the fiance' and he wears long boots up to his knee and he's always hunting fox, and the fiancee loves him and thinks he comes from a good bloodline
	+ Hayes asks Pete to speak on that about making references and funniness. Pete responds with that when you make a reference you're rewarding an audience member with learning and watching other things. If a comedian makes a reference to his own act, it's called a 'call-back' like the call-back Hayes made to Sting that Pete didn't catch
	+ Hayes wants Pete to speak on how memories is all in computers now and what he thinks of all these computers. Pete feels that movies can predict the future and ever since the 80's we've been making movies about robots taking over the future, so that's definitely gonna happen.
* One Eighth Native American - Robin Hood was a thief who is a criminal and shouldn't be considered a hero. Sean knows about the history of Robin Hood well, because all news of him traveled by song and oral history in those days which is very much like the Native Americans. Pete does a version of the Popcorn Gallery theme that sounds a bit like Native American chanting, Sean: "I don't sound like that, give me a break!" His tribe is one of the biggest ones. The ones with the arrows, they loved the buffalo pieces. Feather headdress, doing a lot of the stuff with the Earth
* Mark - Found a Sting CD in one of the popcorn bags (The sound drops are getting very referential lately)
* Talking to the Engineer - Hayes and Sean both remark on Brett looking like he's on vacation, and Cody looking like he's not on vacation but painting a house, and Sean hope the house comes out nice. Each one more fiendish than the last.
* Nerds - Hayes and Sean talk about trying to get the attention of Marvel studios during the popcorn gallery and what nerds they are. Pete talks about how it looks like they're just invoking on a trend, but Hayes and Sean assure them they're not and that they love the X-Men and the big Monster. Even some of the Avenger Man. Pete challenges Sean to name an Avenger, and you don't want to tangle with him on this. They'll be there all night if he starts naming them. The big Monster is discussed in a bit more detail.
	+ Speak on That - Sean asks Pete to speak on the fact that bullies picked on nerds but now they in charge. Pete mentions how they were always shoved into lockers and had sand kicked into his face, and even had Comic Books stripped from him, but now he owns a Volkswagen Golf. So fuck you to the bullies, in someone's white hat that says 'Cocks.' Pete says Tony Stark and this means a lot to the boys. He's a fighter! You wouldn't want to get a big punch from him.
		- Sean and Hayes ask Pete to speak more about comic books and why he only speaks about the truth on recordings, but Pete can't, and Pete talks about how he was talking to Don Cheadle, and he kept saying how he should do Cheetos commercials, and Don should say "I'm Don Cheeto, I love Don Cheadles" Pete gave him that idea. but he never even used it, so that's why he only speaks to recordings
* Too Scary - Pete starts talking about the movie *The Mummy*and Hayes remarks how that was about the scariest thing he ever saw in his life. Pete says he isn't afraid of mummies or zombies, but Hayes immediately calls him out on that, saying 'that's a yeah right! Saying that he's not afraid of a mummy is like Yeah Right! Is this some way of him trying to attract a girlfriend from the woman from the audience? Yeah right, woman aren't attacted to lies,  that's like the same of him saying he's not afraid of a frankingstein or a skellington
	+ ​Speak on That - Pete is asked to speak on that about how he possibly isn't afraid of a frankingstein or skellington. Sketch idea: Win Frankenstein's Money.
* Hayes's Loud Laugh - Hayes busts out his signature loud laugh in front of another man with a famous loud laugh. Pete's message for Betsy's phone really gets him.

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## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Sean Clements, Hayes Davenport, Pete Holmes