Chocula the Impaler

Royal painting of Ernst Chocula, circa 1967.

Führer of the Greater German Reich

Conducător Chocula

**Ernst Chocula** was born the third child of the vampire couple Milk and Cocoa Chocula, Estonian landowners, in the late Autumn of 1873. Instead of craving blood like Count Dracula, the Choculas crave chocolate breakfast cereal. Chocula achieved political power in the early 21st Century with the National Socialist German Worker's Party. Chocula was Count of the German city of Dresden, then later Chancellor of Germany, and eventually the Führer of the Greater Third Reich. He is now the Conducător of Romania.

## Early life

Ernst Chocula's parents were well-established traders of Baltic grain who-- by the early twentieth century--had established a monopolistic hold on the export markets of Lithuania, Latvia and southern Finland. His mother was of Baltic-Jewish descent, as her family ran a well to do shoe store in a small rural area on the coast of Latvia. This would make, by tradition, Ernst Jewish. Alas, he gave up his faith at the age of 18 after an excursion to Moscow where he converted to Christianity, grew a beard, and adopted a cat named Roxy. A clever child, Ernst advanced quickly through secondary schooling and, at the age of nineteen, was managing one of six family farms, along with his father and older brother, Trix Rabbit. Ernst would manage this farm with his father and brother for only a few months, before tragedy struck. Soldiers from the Ottoman empire raided the farm, attacking the Chocula family. As Chocula was cornered by Ottoman soldiers, his father and brother fought them off and caused a distraction, giving Ernst enough time to flee. As he ran, he looked back, and saw his father and brother both stabbed to death. Their heads were both put on spikes. Ernst would go on a pilgrimage and visit all of his family's farms, only to find out they were all sacked and pillaged, just the same. He found his mother's headless corpse at his childhood home in Estonia, only to then find her head, placed on a spike. He would never forget these events.

## Search for a purpose in life

In 1893, at the age of 20, Ernst moved to Austria, hoping to pursue an art career at the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna. He was ultimately denied enrollment there. Bitter about his failures, and angry at life for torturing him, Ernst Chocula was becoming a cynical and hateful young man, the only thing he lived for being his addiction to chocolate. Chocula stayed in Austria for a year, robbing and burglarizing to muster what funds he could to move out of Austria. He then moved to Germany in 1894, where he joined the German military. Chocula loved his life as a military man. He relished in killing people. The rush of taking one's life was sacred to him. Chocula spent 20 years of his life in the German army, and finally, the war to end all wars finally occured. On June 28th, 1914, Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated, sparking World War I.

## Rise to power

Initially, Chocula fought on Germany's side during World War I. But this changed when he learned that the Ottoman Empire was a part of the Central Powers. After another four-year tour of service to the German military, Ernst Chocula finally left the German military, a decision he still has second thoughts about. After the end of World War I, Chocula felt betrayed by Germany. He was ashamed in their defeat, but he was also glad the Ottoman Empire was broken up. Chocula became a political activist, and joined the National Socialist German Worker's (Nazi) Party. In November of 1923, Chocula was arrested during the Beer Hall Putsch. While in prison, Chocula went through Chocolate withdrawal. In a spur of rage, Chocula attacked all of the prison guards and wardens, murdering them all, clearing out the whole prison. He escaped, and returned to the Nazi party. Chocula was the age of 50 at this point. He illegally ran for elections under the fake name of Earnest Chocolate. He never won these elections, but since he had a farming operation on the side, he was able to afford these costly political campaigns. Finally, in 1933, the Nazis came to power. For his loyalty to the party, Chocula's criminal record was cleared, he started using his real name again, and was granted a new title. Chocula was granted the title of Count of Dresden, and from 1933 to 1939 he governed the city of Dresden. In 1939, he became the Chancellor of Germany. As Chancellor, Chocula was a ruthless leader, sending out Chocolate Death Squads (German: *Schokoladen-Todesschwadronen*). These death squads would murder innocent civilians who owned chocolate, which was labeled as "contraband". Eventually, in 1944 Chocula would become the Führer of the Greater German Reich. As Führer, Chocula would send food brand mascots to concentration camps, usually resulting in their deaths. One example of this is Ronald McDonald, who died of typhus in April of 1945. In May of 1945, the Allies finally defeated the Third Reich. Chocula fled Germany and retreated to one of his original farms in Latvia. The Allies could not find Chocula, and told the public that Chocula commited suicide by a self-inflicted gunshot wound. But this was not true, as Chocula was hiding in Latvia.

## Aftermath of World War II

With nothing to live for, Chocula began searching for a purpose once again. Chocula was now 72 years old, which is considerably young for a Chocolate Vampire. Chocula made a pilgrimage to visit all of his original farms in Southern Finland, Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia. He would take refuge in his old childhood home in rural Estonia, and he started farming, not to sell his crop, this time he was farming to merely survive. In 1949, the Allies finally found Chocula, and began sending detachments to take him out. Chocula would take these small raiding parties sent to kill him down. But the Allies kept sending larger numbers. In 1959, Chocula would flee to Romania for refuge, and he would move into Bran Castle. He would use his Vampiric Seduction to manipulate the Romanian people into serving him. The Allied forces were slaughtered mercilessly, and their bodies were personally put on spikes by Ernst Chocula himself, where they were displayed outside of Bran Castle.

## Return to power

In 1967, Chocula crowned himself the new Conducător of Romania. To this day, he remains the Conducător of Romania, where he rules with an iron fist. All who oppose him are put on spikes, their bodies rot publicly outside of Bran Castle. Currently, Conducător Chocula is 145 years old. He is known as Chocula the Impaler. He has acknowledged his past, a statue of him in his castle is labeled "ϟϟ Conducător Führer Chancellor Count Ernst Chocula ϟϟ".

## Enlightenment

By 2018, through the use of psychedelic drugs, Chocula has become enlightened. He refuses to go by any name besides name or alias besides "The Man Formerly Known As Count Chocula". He spends most of his time meditating. Romania is now led by his son, Fudge-ula The Great.