Scuderia Keeps Rolling, Nobrakes Does Not

By Bandrew Aenson

Formula D | 420 hours ago

Ted Cruise claims victory at Chicago in a dominant performance. Skid Baggs takes second for Kisagari’s first podium of the season.

Race Recap:

Unbothered by a global drought, the silver squids continued their early season dominance last week at Chicago. The Scuderia secured another 8 points and a commanding lead  in the constructors championship behind Ted Cruise’s impressive driving.

A congested start culminated in turn two when cuckee Sebulba appeared to rip out a piece of his car and launch the shrapnel towards noted cuckold Sharkey Nobrakes. What we are now learning was the car’s radio shredded the opposing drivers front wing and left tire causing the second DNF of the season for 4LO and Nobrakes.

After brief deliberation, The Stewards (ever wise in their judgement) bestowed a 10 second penalty upon the Aston Fartin driver causing minor inconvenience and major whining.

The race opened up when Ted Cruise took corner 4 at high speed showing brazen disregard for the laws of physics. The driver miraculously navigated this move without taking any car damage, catapulting him to a lead he would not relinquish. Spectators claim to have seen the hands of the speed god on Cruise’s steering wheel guiding his egress from the turn.

The Scuderia driver was curiously absent on the victors podium after the race though, having to take an “urgent flight” for matters of state. Cruise’s mysterious disappearances and uncanny likeness to the zodiac killer have called into question the true motivations of the enigmatic racer.

Kisaragi Heavy Industries ran a technical race, putting Baggs in excellent position to take silver in their first foray into the top 3 this year. This successful result should bolster the teams confidence heading into the bulk of the seasons races.

Sound driving and tire management from hometown favorite and potential serial killer K’Thaw Guardsley netted the Vikings of For Loki a third place finish. Sebulba crossed the line next, his racecar billowing smoke from what appeared to be numerous system failures. Uncharacteristic struggles in qualifying for Rev My Engine continued on the circuit for the normally competitive team who finished a disappointing 5th place on the day.

Post-Race

Tensions between 4LO and AFR were palpable during post-race statements by the teams respective TPs.

“Tague, what are your thoughts on todays race?”

After 40 seconds of silently staring into his open can of FourLOKO Sour Apple, TP Tague raised his head and said:

“FourLOKO Racing would like to categorically denounce Sebulba and, if they support his actions, the team at Aston Fartin’ Racing.

Flinging rended scrap from the inside of one’s car at other drivers is not only exactly what got Sebulba expelled from his previous racing league, but is definitively against the rules of Formula D, and laughs in the face of the spirit of sportsmanship that this sport and The Stewards (a million praises upon them) strive to uphold.

Additionally, FourLOKO Racing and Mr. Nobrakes are announcing today that due to outside life events, and in no way that is related to his consistently poor performance, Mr. Nobrakes will be stepping back from racing for a short while. Chuck Ztimzon will be filling in for him for the foreseeable future, and we expect great things from the league’s first and only previously-deceased American driver. #pride #ally #LetThemLive”

In a nearby media tent TP Ritter shared his thoughts on the eventful day.

“What do you have to say regarding the allegations by 4LO of foul play in turn 2 today?”

Ritter: “Those slapdicks at FourLOKO got what was coming to ‘em if you ask me. They know full well that the car radio maneuver is legal and validated under rule DZNTS69.420 of The Driver's Code. Tague’s just salty because we’re fucking his team on and off the track.”

TP Tague: “Hey you son of a bitch I heard that!”

Ritter: “Oh yeah? What’re you gonna do about it? Hit me with your Gucci bag?”

Tague: “Bitch I might, you wanna take this outside?”

The two principals had to be restrained by a small crowd of their staff, though the two men seemed to be making more of a show of their anger than a legitimate attempt to reach each other.

A Quick Rules Check

DZNTS69.420, colloquially referred to as the “Air Bud” rule, states that anything goes in racing unless specifically prohibited by The Driver's Code. This rule is not an actual provision in The Driver's Code but has been invoked in numerous instances to justify on-track shenanigans by team principals and drivers alike.

The Stewards have been characteristically silent on this week's car radio incident. This is highly likely to set a precedent going forward, but how this will affect coming races remains to be seen.

——

Next on the racing docket is The Speed Temple of Monaco, a hallowed circuit reported to be the summer home of The Speed God himself.

## Out of Game

This article was written by Kyle Ritter and Max Tague. It is the first reference to DZNTS69.420.