Job Hunting is So Much Fun!

Said literally **no one ever**. Seriously, this has got to be the Biggest Bullshit of a experience ever in society. I hate job hunting , and I will explain why with my Top 10 Things I </3 About Job Hunting.

## 10. The Ass-Kissery

What the fuck, seriously. What a completely degrading process. They might as well rename "job hunting" to "completely fake and pretend like someone you're not and degrade yourself to make minimum wage". Oh yes, I'm so passionate about flipping burgers for 7.75/hr and in five years I see myself just keep on moving up the McDonaldized Company Career ladder! Has the job market become so self-deluded and absorbed that they actually think that people like working these minimum-wage jobs that offer no sense of self-fullfullment or even a speck of happiness? But nope--gotta have mah recruiter flattery!

## 9. Job Posting's

Oh boy, online job postings. Probably everyone knows of these pieces of cancer. You're a tech person, recent graduate and you wanna find a job outta college? Good fucking luck. Every posting under the sun has these God-Awful ridiculous, unrealistic job ecpectations and requirements. Let me read you a list of 98% of the job postings listed as "Entry-Level" or "recent graduate"

* Must have 3 Doctorate degree's
* Must have at least 10-55 years of work experience
* Must be proficient in Java, C#, C++, Haskell, Pascal, Objective-C, C, Swift, HTML, JavaScript, Python, English, Japanese, Spanish, Cantonese, Arabic, Italian, Chinese (Mandarin & Simplified).
* Must have at least 20 years experience in these languages.
* Must have a valid drivers license
* Must live in U.S. , not be an immagrant, must not be friends with Mexicans
* Must be willing to donate a kidney

"B-But hiring managers just post dumb requirements to scare u gotta apply anywayz!!!!!" No, you fuck. I don't even wanna work for a company that has shitty hiring managers/HR people. I'd be dodging a bullet tbh. Fuck outta here with that shit.

## 8. Interviews

Adding on to number-Ten. They suck. Literally every fucking thing about them. Fuck interviews. Fucking hate them. Fuck them to Hell and back. Fuck fuck fuck.

Instead of just getting to know me as a person, and learn what skills I have to offer the goal of this is to just tell them what *they wanna hear*. Nevermind the fact that millions of people are out here starving and desparate for some kinda employment. God Forbid someone shows an iota of weakness or desparation to become employed so they can feed their families. The minute you don't show what a 100% impeccable, perfect candidate you are, might as well kiss that opportunity goodbye !! :-\*

Don't break the interviewer's hand during the handshake? Rejected.

Give any amount of hesitation during an interviewer's question? Rejected.

Mention that you are kind of, slightly introverted? Rejected.

Propose a salary negotiation $5 higher than what they want to offer? Rejected.

Ask about benefits? Rejected.

Eyes wonder off for more than 10 milliseconds? Rejected.

Blink more than 3 times during the interview? Rejected.

Accidentally cough? Rejected.

See where Im going with this ??

## 7. Interview "Rounds"

Why is this a thing. Why. Understandably at huge tech companies like Amazon, Google, Apple, I can understand that crap. But at your shitty little Mom & Pop stores, that shit is unacceptable. No, I am not going to attend a phone interview, a skype call, 4 face-to-face interviews, and a "final round" for your little 10-man startup. Fuck that shit, and fuck your pretentious ass if you think Im gonna show up to any one of those.

## 6. Bogus rejection letters

We regret to inform you-

After careful consideration-

We are pursuing other candidates-

We will not be moving forward-

Thank you for your interest in-

We recommend you to apply for other-

Ring a bell? They should. These consist of 95% of generic auto-generated job rejection emails. What the fuck, you couldn't even salvage the time to create a proper way to extend the smallest amount of care in your letter? Apparently "unqualified" people are completely undeserving of a genuine heartfelt rejection reply. Nope, only get the robotic hackneyed shitty automated email responses these asshole companies shell out.

## 5. Endless cycle of job postings

Adding on to #6, this one reallllly ticks me off. You apply to a job, get a bogus rejection email like 4 months later, stating that they chose another candidate and then the next day you see the same fucking job posting. Yup, they have the balls to say they would literally rather hire no one for the job, than hire you. Cause that's how much you suck at life. Kinda depressing isn't it ?

## 4. Resume/Cover Letter

Ah, the classic Resume/CV/Cover Letter crap. Dontcha just love tailoring the hundreds of resumes and cover letters to a job cause fuck you if I don't stand out of the hundreds of other applicants that sent in their resume. Odds are it gets tossed or sent into the job application purgatory where it's never to be found, seen, or heard of again. Seriously, It's gotten so repetitive that I just send one generic resume into every Indeed job posting that has "quick reply". Ain't nobody got time for making a million different resumes anymore. Speaking of cover letters:

To Whatever Asshole Recruiter Is Reading,

I am a highly un-motivated and depressed professional seeking to become <lame-ass minimum wage job title here>. I am writing to you to express my interest in paying bills, student loans, and most of all my passion of not starving to death! I have been skilled in all of these qualities since graduating in a chest-high pool of debt and sorrow. I think you will find my skillset relevant and helpful to the preppy white-collar enslaving asshole company you're hiring from. Fuck you so much for you time and I hope you have an ass-ome day. If you'd like to reach out to me, you can contact me via my phone number 666-696-6969 or preferably by email (fuckrecruiters@fuckalljobs.com). Thank you again!

Sincerly,

All the People Fed Up With the Job Market's Bullshit

## 3. Networking

Fuuuuck everything having to do with Networking. I'd literally rather be waterboarded buy a morbidly obese guy that smells like cheese than make a Linkedin. Why'd I do that crap anyway? Just to get stalked by people I went to high school with that I never cared about that suddenly wants to "network" with me and get a job off of me somehow ? No, fuck that. And fuck any employer that thinks you can't be a quality employee without having this cancerous "Linkedin" garbage that literally says nothing about the content of your character other than you're a social butterfly that likes attention.

## 2. The Inexusable Laziness on the Part of the Recruiter.

Easily one of my least favorite things in all about all this garbage. Recruiters are lazier than fucking college freshman, and that's *saying something*. They expect you do do everything under the sun on their part, which *completely fracking defeats the purpose of them being a RECRUITER.* They expect you to give them the resume, sell yourself, be a brilliant fucking candidate, reach out to them, drop everything for your silly little 7-min phone interview that's nothing but you asking me everything that's already on my fucking resume, reach out to the hiring manager all the way up the chain to the CEO and worship his shoes and back.

And don't get me on the recruiter apologist brigade, those assholes. "OMGz u Gotta FollOW up w/phone call && email!! To Show dat urR interested in the PosiTion!!11!!!!!one". BISH, gtfo. Obviously I'm interested in the damn position, otherwise **I literally would not have applied to-fucking-begin-with.**

## 1. Ghosting.

Seriously, What. The. Fuck. Fuck companies that do this. For those that dont know, "Ghosting" is when you apply to a job and actually get somewhere in the process (like phone screen, interview, etc) and suddenly the employer/recruiter completely ignores you and pretends like you never even applied. How completely fucking rude and unprofessional. I dedicate time and efforts for you, interview with you, and you give me the cold shoulder? How absolutely fucking pleasant. And by pleasant, I mean the spiritual equivalent of rubbing your genitals against a cheese grader. That's how fucking awful getting ghosted is.

So that's my Bottom 10 list of Things I Like About Job Hunting! Let me know what you think in the comments, or if anything I should talk about next, since the Ruler of this crappy website is dead (again).