Sleepless Nights

He couldn’t see her in this nearly absolute darkness. That was the trouble with Emrys’ room choice: he had used an oversized closet to set up as his sleeping quarters, leaving the actual bedroom and office space to act as an oversized office. He had never imagined entertaining a woman in his bed, let alone a noblewoman of Sky’s caliber. He had never imagined that nearly a year and a half later, she’d still be here with him.

Of course, the mountains of lies he fed her likely helped this.

Even if his eyesight was perfect, which it was not, this piercing darkness may as well have been the silken blindfold they used the night prior. He drew in an even, slow, breath as he allowed the musk of after-sex, cologne, and perfume to assault his senses. Even though he couldn’t see her- he could feel her. He could feel the soft breaths of her quiet, nightmare-less sleep. He could feel the warmth of her arm draped over his chest. He could feel the warmth of her cheek on his pectoral. He could feel the warmth of their nude bodies at rest underneath the sheets.

His arm was wrapped around her, where his hand had found refuge on her waist. It’d likely be numb by morning, but for now, he could hold her close. The splay of her ebon locks decorated his pillows and headboard. Whenever she left in the morning, he’d find left over strands of her hair in his bed.

He had asked her, some weeks ago, what she had thought of about their future. It was a playful word dance around a topic- would she consider marrying him? He thought so, considering all they had discussed. She wanted a small house to themselves out in a plot of land-- and it was all he had ever dreamt of, too. Prior to the Scourge invasion, his lightforged draenic friend had drafted blueprints to a variety of custom rings. These ring designs were now locked away in his desk.

So, in this darkness, he contemplated what would likely change his life. Should he propose marriage? And what of his secret that he kept from her? An uneasiness churned his stomach- the thought of binding someone in holy matrimony who didn’t know of the true past of The Dollmaker.

But, would she love him the same if she knew? Would she love him the same knowing the mountains of lies were built intentionally as tall and high that it could nearly kiss her namesake? And what of her elder brother? Would Adorlan approve of such a thing? What if he didn’t tell her, and she learned after their vows, or goodness, after children?

Perhaps Cadfael was right. As the boy Emrys was matured into adulthood, his uncle had often warned of the tautness of heart strings. Love was an exploitative weakness. Love left people to make illogical decisions. Love made you consider others. And yet- his love for his parents persisted. Emrys could still hear Cadfael and August’s words, “Don’t you want them back, boy?” Love was his reason for pushing the boundaries between magic and science. Love was his driver to commit atrocities. Love was now what reminded him on difficult and stressful days that he needed to stay in Ebonfall.

Emrys raised his free hand slowly, in an effort to leave the sleeping Sky besides him to her dreams. His fingers pressed at his eyes to wipe away the conflicted tearful beads that formed there. Tonight would be another mostly sleepless night, it seemed.