Skylandia - Who Hates Fates?/Original Story

"Hey," you hear a voice awaken you from your nap. You feel Pit gently tugging at your shoulder, shaking you to bring you back from dream land. "Don't worry, we made it through and got our copies. We can go home now."
You smile and yawn, remembering that today is the day of the newest Fire Emblem game, and you had dozed off while waiting for the game to release.
"I just knew waiting in line all that time would pay off," Palutena cheers, hugging her pre-order bonus keychains. "I've been waiting so long for another Fire Emblem game!"
"I think there's been some mistake; why isn't Lucina the main character in this game?" you hear someone else complain to a cashier. It seems to be a Koopa Troopa in a blue hoodie. Guess not EVERYONE was happy with their purchase.
"Hey, why didn't you buy a copy?" Pittoo asks.
You shrug before replying, "I've never been too into the series. The Radiant games were enough for me."
"But, if you had to pick, which version would you have gotten?" Palutena asks. She had decided on playing through both sides of the story, and bought both editions of the game to do so.
"He'd pick Birthright, it's the more traditional experience," Pittoo asserted before you could answer yourself.
Pit scoffs at the thought. "No way, he'd go with Conquest. It's the challenging one!"
You turn to see that both Pits had bought the respective versions of Fates, and seemed as if they were taking the debate a lot more seriously than you had originally thought.
"I see you fine folks are plagued with quite the argument," a voice jumps in from a short distance away. Your group turns to see the silhouettes of several figures standing atop of a nearby hill, with the setting sun behind them. Your eyes adjust to the light, and you see that the voice which spoke belongs to Samurai Jack. "When it comes to choosing a path, then the path of the Samurai is the clear choice. Honor, above all else, is the essence of a true warrior."
"Only with determination and training can one learn how to jump into a light fierce," Ryu from Streets adds.
"Count me in!" Pittoo shouts with pride, running towards the group of wayward warriors.
"Don't listen to them; conquest is the way to go! This is the ultimate power!" Shadow the Hedgehog shouts atop a hill opposite the first one. To his sides are a crowd of figures whose shadows are defined by the light of the rising moon behind them.
"Join Team Edgelords, unless you're a loser..." Dante from the DmC series announces.
"Sounds like the more fun option, to me," Pit decides, joining accordingly.
"It looks like the only way to settle this is through competition," Samurai Jack states with authority. "We must face one another in an honorable duel to determine which side is better."
"Fuck you!" Dante the demon killer shouts back.
"C'mon man, you know you want to join up with me!" Pittoo attests.
"I think the choice is clear dude," Pit states matter-of-factually to you in response.
"Man, I cannot BELIEVE this," the koopa from before shouts, leaving the store in a wrathful state.
"It'll be ok, baby," Lucina assures him, rubbing his shoulders. "It's just a game."
"But video games are REAL. REAL!!" you hear as the two get into a car and leave.
With that distraction over, you are back to the adventure. This is it, the choice between Pit or Dark Pit. This is quite a mess you have all gotten yourselves into. "What do you make of all this, Lady Palutena?" you ask.
Not a word. She's zoned out, incredibly focused on playing her 3DS. "Huh, this game has a pretty weird feature. You can pet people's faces."
"Did you say... face petting?" Samurai Jack asks with intense interest. Team Samurai begins to crowd behind Palutena to watch her screen. You take a look yourself, and sure enough, there's a baby-faced waifu girl on the screen. There she goes, petting away. It's kind of weird, but in a can't-look-away sort of way.
"Oh man that's her sister, that's so hot," Ryu mumbles.
"Make room over there, we wanna see too," Team Edgelord yells back, contesting for good spots to watch as well. Now Palutena is pinching the face of a moe husbando man.
You carefully close Palutena's screen, much to the complaints of the incredibly large crowd of spectators. "Lady Palutena, I think we should wrap this up before things go South," you smile uncomfortably.
"But I was just getting to the good part..." Palutena whines.
The two opposing Pits cross their arms in a huff at one another.
"You realize I'm going to have to get extra face pet-y with you later to make up for this, right?" Palutena pouts.
"We'll leave tonight's problems to tonight's us," you shrug. "Let's go home guys."