Porcelain Cup At School

why tf did I just have this urge to write "dear diary"

well fuck it

Dear Diary,

today I had a very... eventful day at school. I had a porcelain cup at school.

So it was Tuesday, which means PE, and I was dreading it but god I didn't think it would be this bad...

it first started fine, but then PE started, multiple things were happening at the start

1. I had to take my sweater off, and that makes me \*incredibly\* uncomfortable
2. we were separated into boys and girls, which like- fuck you PE teacher, but also that was probably one of my biggest triggers
3. relating to the last thing, fucking degenerate males

and as we were continuing doing PE, I was getting uncomfortable, to the point where I was barely doing anything and I was picking at my skin, and picking at my old- ...wounds... (you know which ones), that are still healing because that was recent, and because of the "adrenaline" of the anxiety and shittiness, I literally didn't feel almost any pain which allowed me to totally reopen one of the wounds and make small new ones from picking on the back of my hand

I wanted someone to notice.

yeah it sounds bad but I wanted someone to notice I wasn't okay, whether that was from my facial expression I was obviously making because I was uncomfortable, whether it's the small shaking of my hand/leg because that's what I do to comfort myself, or yes, the picking, and bleeding, of my skin

I just wanted someone to notice that I needed help, that I wasn't okay, that I couldn't go on like this, but obviously not

then my thoughts started spiraling into a 'therefore no one actually cares about me spiral' which didn't help the anxiety and then I was getting more and more panicky, and jumpy, so I went out into the hallway and like did my hand movements, then I started like- doing that hyperventilating-like thing, where I breathe really fast and really deep because I feel like I'm not getting enough air, then I tried to hide it for some students and the teacher, which made it even worse, then I went back and sat down, at that point through no choice of my own my leg shaking **uncontrollably**, as well as my hand. like literally I was violently shaking my right leg and right hand and I couldn't fucking stop, and then that made me even more worried because the teacher noticed and I wasn't really sure how I felt about that but even so it was an unwelcome change, and then he told me to go and get some fresh air.

now, out of sight from everyone, it got a bit worse after trying to 'hide' it, horribly if I may add, then I went outside, but then I started feeling very painful throat tightness, and like I wasn't getting enough air, despite my *rapid* breathing, then I started feeling really dizzy and unstable so then I was leaning against the wall and sat down on the step, and curled into a ball. everyone at that point was going out and that made me really anxious, at that point, it was getting B A D

my leg was shaking so much it physically pained me, but I couldn't actually stop it, I was incredibly dizzy, could barely stand, mind absolutely overwhelmed, like my mind was in a state of pure chaos I haven't felt many times before, so then I went to the van last, and as I was getting in...

oh my fucking god. I mean honestly it's all like this one big blur now, I'm not sure if my mind just doesn't wanna remember it or what but it's so blurry, it feels like it was a dream and like I was in this state of barely conscious. as I was entering the van I was shaking like crazy, and it was cramped and stuffy and that made my breathing even worse and I honestly barely remember what happened, at that point I was in a state of total disconnect from my body, and I especially feel that way now that I think about it, I was barely standing, and everyone looking at me was not helping, and I kept bumping into people and in a meek voice that was cracking constantly kept apologizing then I sat down and honestly all I could do was just hug my backpack really tight and do my hand movements, while I was shaking and breathing and like listening to people talk around me, some was coherent, some not, but I didn't really get most of it.

The PE teacher kept trying to get me to go in the front of the bus, but it's like my brain turned off and I forgot all logic of the universe, so when I tried to stand up with my backpack in front of me not letting me move, I kept doing that which obviously wasn't working and then I kinda just dropped the backpack, and got out, took it and like tripped down the stairs catching myself before I fell apologizing a bit and like basically trying to calm myself.

and the whole experience was honestly one of the weirdest but worst experiences in my whole life.