Lamorne Morris, Our Close Friend

**"Lamorne Morris, Our Close Friend"** is the eighteenth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Sean and Hayes start things off by explaining why all of their negative reviews on iTunes are incorrect in a segment called “(Buzzer Sound)! Wrong.” Then they open up for a dangerous confession related to the rise of the nerds in Hollywood. Then LAMORNE MORRIS of *Newb Girl* joins the podcast to discuss his love for commercial films, how much money he makes, and the effect Sean and Hayes giving out part of his phone number had on his life.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Sean talking over the theme song - "So this egghead doctor looks at his charts and looks at me and he goes "You should really be drinking more water!" and I go "I'd rather be drinking *your daughter*" and I kissed his daughter. Deep kiss. And he had to give it up."
* "So what you might be saying, you hear us saying "Nerds rule." You're hear us saying "Right now *is* revenge of the nerds." But you think to yourself 'Oo Sean and Hayes? Who are you to say anything about this, you're not nerds! Sean's a jock and Hayes, you're a greaser!" "Confession time." "Confession Time: We're actually huge nerds."
* They haven't been this public about it, but they finally came out and said they're nerds.
	+ Sean and Hayes love Sci-Fi, they love computer games, they're good at sports, but they aren't superior about it. They mostly just know the statistics of it.
	+ They like really underground shows, like *Game of Thrones*, or *Walking Dead*.
	+ Some of their favorite movies are nerd movies: *Star Wars 1, Star Wars 2,* and *Star Wars 3*, they've seen them all! And even *the Avengers*! What's more nerdy than a comic book and a movie, all in one.
	+ It's really scary to be a nerd, and to be bullied in Hollywood, to say you use computers really well and like gadgets.
	+ Nerds is in charge now. Hayes and Sean have friends who are also nerds, like Olivia Munn (big honking nerd), and Chris Hardwick sometimes he's actually too nerdy for Hayes and Sean.
	+ Sean and Hayes invented the term 'Nerding Out'
	+ Sean actually plays his computer games on his X-Box
	+ Big tittied Cosplay Girls. Hayes loves shoving his face into two huge nerd titties. And they don't get any nerdier then the ones that are really big
	+ Sean loves anime
* Sean "I hate being Muggle!" "Yes, Sean and I wish that we wouldn't be Muggles anymore, and that we would be Harry Potters." "If only *we* were Harry Potters. And if only we had some of those powers or that big bird!"

### Guest Segment

* Lamorne takes the guys through some of his famous roles in commercial films
	+ 2009, the golden age. A two minute spot for Las Vegas
	+ Miller Lite Big Mouth Bottles - with a lovely actress Treon. Talk about a scene partner! She gave, she listened. He gave, he listened. It was almost as if they were.. making love. Sean "And listening is such a big part of making love." Such as 'who's down there, who's inside me, whose is this?'
* Some of Lamorne's famous quotes from his commercial films:
	+ "Hey!" (for Chili's)
* Doing some scripts for some of Lamorne's desired commercial films
	+ Set in a future where chickens are people. Sean is the old timey slave woman, Lamorne is her master, and Hayes does the backing track (Matchbox 20 "Unwell"). Sean: "Oo-oo! Yum! Mm om nom nom, scrom nom nom, yummy *people*!" Lamorne: "What'choo doin' out there out there in that yard!? You know *damn* well you s'posed to be in dat kitchen *cookin*'!" "Ooops!" (announcer) *12 Years of Popeye's*
	+ Lamorne is on the New Girl bus, riding the bus into the studio, and a bunch of Happy Endings fans are outside screaming things like "You're washed up!", "We don't like Mr. Schmidt!" , "We miss Penny!" (Hayes plays Nelly ft. Kelly Rowland "Dilemma"). Lamorne takes a big bite of a Cadbury Cream Egg and looks to the camera and says "Easter's comin'!" The ad is for headphones though, of course. The other things were just true
	+ Lamorne has signed a lucrative deal to *be* the Domino's Pizza Tracker (owed them about 1400 pizzas). Sean: "Beep bop boop, bop beep bop boop. Brrring.Brrring!" (very accurate noises of the phone dialing and ringing) "(throat clears, in a gruff voice) Hello?" " Hello.. Lamorne?" "Yeah it's me, what's up?"(MIMS "This is Why I'm Hot" plays) "Hey I ordered my pizza, uhh, I don't know, like fifteen minutes ago?" "You did, you did, you did. Hold on for a second, let me look. Hold on for a ... uuuuu(looking noises) .. what you get on your--what you got? What you get on your pizza? You got, Pepperoni?" "Yeah, pepperoni!" "(sleepily) Yeah, and, and green peppers." "And (Italian/Dracula accent)a-green-a peppers! All the flavors that we like." "So it's a--my boy on his way over to your house right now-- you still live at the same place?" "Yeah! same place I lived when I called, yeah!" "Yeah, cool cool cool, he on his way. He should be there soon. Your doorbell-- you ain't got no dogs, nothing like that, so he can just come right on, like knock on the door? It cool?" "I have- I do have a dog *and* he can knock on the door." "Oh OK, cool cool. Alright, man well, call me back if you need anything, man. Shoot me a text though, don't call, I'm sleepin." "Ah Ok, well, have a good sleep, Lamorne!" "Thanks man, alright."
* Lamorne could have said "Trick 'r treat, motherfucker!" and take a bite out of a Peep.
* The Guys are neither against nor for School Shootings
* Lamorne has a bump on his (two-tone whistle)
* Lamorne wakes up in bed with Brazilian and Puerto Rican women-which the guys know are the most expensive
* There is a callback to the episode Jake Johnson, Our Close Friend, In that the guys talk about how they gave out Lamorne's phone number, and Lamorne explains how it has impacted his life. His girlfriend left him for someone with a less known phone number.

## Recurring Segments

* Ehh... Wrong! - Hayes and Sean go through 1 star reviews on iTunes and explain why the reviews are Ehh... Wrong!
	+ Mr. Brandon Ray - Subject 'Boring'. and Rude: Ehh Wrong! actually the show isn't boring they have very famous good guests on the show. And they are actually very polite, they wouldn't have gotten where they are in their careers if they were rude. (Note: This review is later revisited in Ep. #080 - Jon Gabrus Again, Our Close Friend where they call iTunes on air to get this review removed)
	+ The Timothy Michael - Subject 'Missing the Mark': Timothy goes on saying that he enjoys Earwolf podcasts, but thinks Hayes and Sean have no comedic talent, he says that it doesn't matter if they changed from the name of the 'failed' Reality Show Show to this, they aren't funny. Ehh Wrong! they actually are funny, and they get it right very often. Sean clarifies that they aren't making up stories from showbiz they're actually telling them. Hayes and Sean think that he's just confused, because his review doesn't make sense. Also they didn't change the name of their reality show podcast, they started a whole new one. Sean says that it didn't really fail, it just wasn't popular.
	+ B Phillips 35 - Subject 'Not entertaining unoriginal and just bad': He goes on to say that he's given the show a chance multiple times because of the great guests, and he just doesn't find Hayes and Sean funny or intelligent, it seems like the whole show is just a bit and they're really bad at it. Ehh Wrong! Hayes says the part he did get right was that they do get great guests, but the fact that he said they aren't great is wrong. Sean goes on to say that he just doesn't fucking get it. They actually are smart funny and intelligent.
	+ KBC147 - Subject 'Surprised this is an Earwolf Podcast': He goes on to say that it's 'incredibly hacky' and 'mind-numbingly boring', they make his favorite guests look bad. Sean cuts in to say Ehh Wrong! it's not hacky and they're not boring! He says that if he doesn't like those guests on here, he just doesn't like those guests then. Hayes then goes on to say sometimes the guests aren't even that good, if you think they're your favorites it's because Hayes and Sean are making them so good.
	+ Hayes is about to read another when both him and Sean erupt into laughter, you then hear Sean slightly break character and say 'There's so many'
	+ Apartment 342 - Subject 'Hollywood Handbook' (Duh it's on the Hollywood Handbook page) He says the first clip he heard was from the Jake Johnson episode which probably wasn't the best first episode, he says he's sure they'll find many listeners who enjoy the show but he will not be listening to the rest. Unsubscribe. Ehh Wrong! That actually was the first episode, Hayes and Sean agree that they're sure they'll have plenty of people who listen, and then Hayes tells him he also unsubscribed wrong, he wrote it and he was supposed to click the button.
	+ I Listen Faster - Subject 'Not for my time': The pace of this podcast is too slow, the guest segment is too short, it's without substance, Meh not returning. Ehh Wrong! "What is this guy's thing with slow and fast?! (segment title) This podcast is great! People love this! Look, your slow and fast thing is weird! 'I listen faster, this podcast too slow.' Just figure it out!" Sean thinks this is an insane person, some of these people are stupid, but this guy's insane!
* Suck on These - like to take the time to tell all the other podcasts to get way down there
	+ *Comedy Bang Bang* - More like Comedy Boo-Hoo -- you're sad you don't have this good gest and you have to cry about it. And you should.
	+ *Kevin Pollak's Chat Show* - More like Kevin Pollak's Bad Show, because he got some old tired guest who everyone's sick of, and we got Lamorne Morris who's never been on an Earwolf podcast before.
	+ *Nerd Poker* - How about 'Nerd go fuck yourself' you don't have a fuckin' good guest, we have a good guest, we've got Lamorne Morris. What're you fuckin' doing, poker? Poking around, poking your own asshole with your fuckin'.. bullshit.
* Popcorn Gallery (as the Almond Gallery)
	1. Greggy - "Mr. Morris, Do you make a lot of money?"
		+ (laughs) is he serious? Brazillian girl on my right Puerto Rican girl on my left. And those are the most expensive kinds.
	2. showshowbro - "Lamorne: Best band ever: Eagles or Tom Petty?"
		+ Coldplay. Next. Actually you know, I take that back, Eagles. Hayes says that's the correct answer. Then Sean says he'd take it a step further and go Tom Petty. Hayes says that's also the correct answer. Lamorne goes even a step further and asks who are those guys? Hayes says that's what makes them so good. If you know a band's name, they're not doing it right.
	3. Chanson - "Lamorne, since you're in Hollywood, who is your favorite Jewish person?"
		+ There's a guy named Jeremy, he can help you out if you get a bump on your (two-tone whistle). Jeremy knows a guy who can take care of that. Chanson had a follow up question, "Why don't you like all of them?" Lamorne replies, there's also a guy named Benny, he's a real asshole. Lamorne tells him about the bump on his (whistle) and Benny is just like "You wanna go get pizza?"
* Pro Version - skizelo, Gets medical advice from Lamorne Morris - Alcohol solves everything.

## Recurring Jokes

* Too Scary - Hayes won't listen to Deathcab for Cutie because the idea of a Deathcab is too scary. It's also scary to be a nerd, and to be bullied.
* Bullies - They get bullied for being nerds. Liking gadgets can get you shoved in a locker and head in a toilet bowl.
* Harry Potter - Sean hates being muggle and wants those powers and one of those big birds
* Nerds - Nerds rule, and Sean thinks that this era is actually the revenge... of the nerds.
* Doing a Scene - Lamorne and the guys go over a script for the commercial films for Popeye's and headphones
* Hayes Plays a Song
	1. Matchbox 20 "Unwell"
	2. Nelly ft. Kelly Rowland "Dilemma"
* Speak on That - Lamorne is asked to speak on his role doing charity with kids, where he gets them drunk and high under his supervision during school hours. And his position on school shootings. Missing a movie at the Arclight. Songs that send shivers down his spine.
* Flyover States - States like Wyoming, listeners watch movies standing outside of a Sears. About 2 years later, on a bunch of screens with no volume. It's fun for them to get a window in!
* News Girl - Lamorne is an actor on The News Girl
* Italy - "And (Italian/Dracula accent)a-green-a peppers! All the flavors that we like."
* Show Won't Take a Stance - neither for nor against school shootings
* Bashing Other Podcasts - During the Suck on These segment Hayes and Sean use the opportunity to bash some other Earwolf podcasts

## Ads

* Andy Daly's Podcast Pilot Project - Thanks to his appearance on Hollywood Handbook!

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, Lamorne Morris, Sean ClementsHayes, Sean, and Lamorne Morris in the studioSean and Lamorne Morris in the studioHayes in the studio