Fake TPOT 27: Who Says Younger = Better?

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
"**Who Says Younger = Better?**" is the non-canon twenty-seventh episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 10 June 1982. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. Some alternate titles of this episode are "**Who Says Younger Is Better**" or "**Who Says Younger's Better?**", meant for those who are using this episode name in templates (which do not support the equal sign when used in the sense of text). During the creation process, this episode was known as "**Younger ≠ Better (Maybe!)**" and before that "**Younger ≠ Better**" and "**For Those Who Look Young**".

Author's note: Okay, *now* this series has more episodes than BFDI's first season. Not that I've reason to boast; it's just... 27 episodes. That's, what, over one hundred keystrokes in total?

Author's note (*14 September 2022*): Oh dear, this episode has not aged well. Truth be told, not many things from the early '80s *do* age well, but this news comes as a surprise nonetheless: **Satomi and Pokey are no longer the showrunners of *Real TPOT***. I don't know what happened in real life, but I can tell you now with great certainty that two of the main humans depicted in this episode only *resemble* Satomi and Pokey; they are not them.

Description if this were on YouTube:

All 68 BFB / TPOT action figures: [Insert link here]

Wow, no one's getting eliminated today! Can that happen? Well, it sure can if nearly the entire cast is still dead... Let's see what life is like for them - and the alive people, of course - in this special love-centric episode of THE POWER OF TWO!

Previous episode: "Taking the Plunge Once More"

Next episode: "Englowchment"

## Cold open

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Direct continuation of the previous scene. For context: This takes place at night on New Year's Day, 1982; the rest of the episode would be filmed a few months later. **Book** has just returned from her prison sentence from two episodes ago; right now she walks in on **Two** and **Five**, who are sitting at a campfire.
* **Five**: Hi. [*Silence.*] Well, I'm going to get some snacks.

[*Exit* **Five** *to the hotel lobby.*]

* **Two**: What are you doing back so early?
* **Bo****ok**: Oh. I was released from prison. If that's okay with you, *TwoOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*The intro plays.*]

## Introduction

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Yep, another strangely-formatted episode.
* **Two**: So you're no longer arrested, are you, Book?
* **Bo****ok**: Æh!
* **Two**: What?
* **Bo****ok**: I can't use that name.
* **Two**: What?
* **Bo****ok**: Well, when the prison guards released me, they said that I could only do so on the condition that I change my name and appearance.
* **Two**: Is that a real punishment?
* **Bo****ok**: That's what they do to pirates like me.
* **Two**: I thought they made pirates sing and dance on Broadway.

[*Book looks at Two, confused.*]

* **Two**: Sorry, I've been watching a lot of object media in the last few days. Anyway, I can help you with the appearance part—maybe get you a pair of glasses or a fake mole or something—but what about your name?
* **Bo****ok**: About that. See, I'm no longer allowed to be called *Book* because that name is being used for billions of other objects. It's a rule in show business, apparently. The police strongly insisted that I use my legal name so I don't get arrested again.
* **Two**: [*nemini loquens*] See how the legal system works on this planet? [*to Book*] Anyway, whoever-you-are, I can arrange that, change the rosters, voting screens and all that. So what's your legal name?
* **B****o****k**: My legal name is... *Bok*. [*sounds nearly the same as* Book]

[*Enter* **Five**, *carrying a baguette.*]

* **Five**: How come all food dispensaries have this kind of bread? [*notices Bok*] Oh. Hello.
* **Two**: Five, meet one of my contestants. Her name is not *Book*, but *Bok*.
* **Five**: Nice to meet you, Bok. Say, aren't *Book* and *Bok* the same thing?
* **B****o****k**: In my mother tongue, I call myself *Bok*. [*repeating slowly*] *Bok.* In *this* language, I used to be called *Book*. [*slowly*] *Book*.
* **Five**: I still can't tell the difference.
* **Two**: Neither can I.
* **B****o****k**: It's the spelling. [*shows a diagram at the bottom of the screen*] There used to be two O's in my name, and now I have one. B-O-K. Bok!
* **Two**: You could have said that earlier!
* **Five**: Silly orthography! [*Aside, to Two.*] Objects...
* **Two**: Shh. She's the only one left alive. [*Aloud.*] Can I have your extra *O*?
* **B****o****k**: Excuse me, but did you say I'm the only one left alive? What does that mean?

[*Two begins to flush out of embarrassment.*]

* **Two**: Bok... I killed everybody in the last challenge.
* **B****o****k**: What? Why would you do that?
* **Two**: Because—oh, this news is really too embarrassing to say—it is impossible for me to get arrested on this planet, no matter what I do.
* **B****o****k**: [*rather angry*] And you decide to slaughter and eliminate the entire company. How rude!
* **Two**: I'm simply tosticated about how wrong you are at present. I have not eliminated the entire cast, for they are simply inside me.
* **B****o****k**: Please don't say that you've eaten them.
* **Two**: I don't consume dead people! They just happen to be recovering inside me as we speak.

[*The camera starts to zoom into Two, revealing more to the green surface than we thought.*]

* **B****o****k**: Inside you?
* **Two**: Yes, that's where everyone is recovered. Surely you've died before, haven't you?

## Two's Recovery Centre

### **Inside Two's nostrils**

**Scene**The camera zooms in on Two's nostrils, located where their navel should be. For the first time in TPOT history, we explore what happens when a contestant dies and is about to be recovered. This part, if it were made into a video, is very different from the rest of the series in that it is filmed entirely in the real world: not in the typical EXIT style (three-dimensional background, two-dimensional characters) but in a new style typical of those "BFDI in real life" videos from YouTube. The characters themselves are represented by the brand new BFDI action figures that were advertised in a previous video.

Zoom into the living room of someone's house, where the object contestants are found in their action figure forms. They appear to be sleeping with their eyes open, but in reality they are waking up from a nap that typically takes place after their death. If a contestant died because of Two, the nap is a bit longer: about three months. This makes sense, as this transition between scenes counts as a time skip from January to April.

For context, death is not a new experience for those inside Two: All contestants have been alive for the past three years, but many have been recovered by Two before.

#### The Boy

The contestants are being moved by a 11-ish-year-old boy (henceforth known as **The Boy**). We can only see his arms as he controls the contestants. Note that in this scene, all movements in reference to the real world (actions that a human does, as opposed to an object) will be prefaced by the underlined acronym "IRL" ("in real life"). If in the same parenthetical, "ISR" (= *in sententia rei*, "in the perspective of the objects") will be used to refer to the action from the objects' point of view.

[*ISR:* **Winner** *wakes up. IRL: The Boy starts moving Winner's action figure.*]

* **Winner**: [*yawns*] What a wonderful morning to be a... Hey! Wh- where am I?

[*ISR:* **Clock** *wakes up. IRL: The Boy moves Clock with his other hand.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: I don't know. Do you remember anything, guys?

[*Beat. Everyone seems to be sleeping—*i.e. *not in motion.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Hmm. No one else is awake.
* **Winner**: Just give them time to wake up.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Oh, I'll give them time. [*rushes over to the other contestants*] ***HEY! WAKE UP!***

[*IRL: The shadow of a person, who looks suspiciously similar to a 31-year-old* *Satomi* *(here called* **Human W***) walks by. Like all the other humans here, she is out of focus, obscured by the sheer glorious existence of pocket-size BFDI action figures. She implores The Boy to be quiet.*]

* **Human W**: Shh!
* **The Boy**: Sorry! I meant...

[*IRL: The Boy takes on Clock's character.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: I meant... [*softly*] Wake up.

[*Some of the contestants get* *up, individually of course. (The Boy is not an octopus.)*]

* **G****at****y**: Uggggh, you woke me up.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: As I intended.
* **G****at****y**: But can't we get a little more sleep?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: We've been in here for a couple of months. Don't you think it's time for Two to recover us already?
* **G****at****y**: What makes you think that?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: It's happened to other people before. Take someone you know and love that's been killed in the past. Like Saw.
* **G****at****y**: Is that all you think she's good for: knowing, loving and killing? Because let me tell you, Clock, she's two out of three of the things on that list.

[**Saw** *pops up. Her handle is purple.*]

* **S****aw**: Oh, hey, everyone!
* **Winner**: Hey, Saw.
* **S****aw**: I'm awake!
* **G****at****y**: Gee, Saw, I hope Clock didn't scare you with his creepiness like he always does.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What's that supposed to mean?
* **G****at****y**: Well, her handle's purple. According to Saw's mood handle's handbook...

[*IRL: The Boy takes out a book from the coffee table and places Gaty in front of it.*]

* **G****at****y**: Her handle only turns purple out of fear.
* **S****aw**: That it does. Hey, wait, that's not my handle handbook!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yeah, it's just a book.
* **G****at****y**: No way, Clock, I thought it was a plate of beef goulash. /s
* **Winner**: [*reading the cover*] *The World Almanac and Book of Facts 1982*. Neat.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Tick, don't tell me we're in a new year.
* **S****aw**: If this is a new year, this purple handle can be my brand new style. You like?
* **G****at****y**: Sure.
* **S****aw**: Come on, G***8***y, let's go see how everyone else looks.
* **G****at****y**: Well, I'm already awake. So yeah, let's, like, do it.

[*ISR: Gaty and Saw wake everyone up. IRL: The Boy uses the Gaty and Saw figures to topple over random people, revealing their default facial expressions. He stops at* **Puffball***, to whom he has hastily applied duct tape (from the last episode).*]

* **S****aw**: Wow, Puffball, I love your new look!
* **Puffball**: [*muffled; IRL: The Boy puts his hand over his mouth*] It's not a new look. Two put this thing over me on the balance beam.
* **G****at****y**: Once again, I am caught in the awkwardness.
* **Puffball**: Hey, Fries, can you help me here?

[**Fries** *pops up from the space next to her. His default expression is that of anger.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: I'm on it. [*ISR: Fries removes the tape from Puffball's mouth; IRL: The Boy does that.*]
* **Puffball**: Thank you, *meneer*.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Don't mention it, *mademoiselle*.
* **Puffball**: Ew, don't call me that!

[**Nickel** *gets up.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: *Heyyy, youuu guyyyyys!* What's the commotion?
* **Puffball**: Nothing.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Yeah, it's nothing.
* **Nic****k****el**: 'Kay. Hey, Coiny!

[**Coiny** *gets up.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: What's up, Nickel?
* **Nic****k****el**: I've been standing next you, but we're not making any money!
* **P****i****n**: Aww!

[*Coiny looks at her.*]

* **P****i****n**: I mean, we can't make money when we're dead. Believe me, I've tried.
* **Co****i****ny**: And?
* **P****i****n**: I also don't want to see you get hurt.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*to Nickel*] Isn't she sweet?

[*Nickel says nothing.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: You're quiet today.
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh, I was waiting for Gaty to make one of them what's-it remarks.
* **P****i****n**: Sarcastic?
* **Nic****k****el**: Yeah! Keep forgetting it.
* **P****i****n**: Well, Gaty's not here right now. She is waking people up.

[*ISR: View of Gaty waking up* **Basketball**, **Naily** *and* **Remote**. *IRL: The Boy is toppling more action figures over.]*

* **Co****i****ny**: Lol. I guess that's just how she is.
* **Donut**: ***SILEEEEEEEENCE!***

[*IRL:* **Human W** *comes out again.*]

* **Human W**: Um, I hate to bother you again, but could you please keep it down? Some people are working on the next episode.
* **The Boy**: Yeah, but...
* **Human W**: Hmm, oh, hey, I have an idea.

[*Human W picks up her keys.*]

* **Human W**: How about we go shopping?
* **The Boy**: Why?
* **Human W**: Don't you want to get more action figures? I mean, you *were* voted BFDI's biggest fan.
* **The Boy**: I was?
* **Human W**: That's right. And you *did* get invited to our studios for a meet-and-greet.
* **The Boy**: I've meeted and greeted plenty.
* **Human W**: Sure you have, but don't you want to meet the people who *made* BFDI instead of the characters?
* **The Boy**: Nope!

[*The Boy is about to return to playing.*]

* **Human W**: [*Aside.*] Well! [*Aloud.*] I mean, oh well, I'm sure you'll like where we're going anyway: The BFDI Store.
* **The Boy**: That's so rad!
* **Human W**: We'd better go quickly; there might be a line.
* **The Boy**: Okay, just let me say bye to my friends. [*to the action figures*] Bye.
* **Human W**: Now which one did you say you wanted again?
* **The Boy**: A Saw that can change handle colours, please.
* **Human W**: Good choice. Don't tell anyone, but she's my favourite...
* **The Boy**: It seems that's common knowledge.

#### Free play

[*Exeunt* **Human W** *and* **The Boy**. *As soon as the door closes, the objects begin to move by themselves in stop-motion animation.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Finally, we're no longer attached to that human.
* **Co****i****ny**: Come on, the kid wasn't that bad. He reminds me of my son, but gigantic.
* **G****at****y**: So Lincoln's extremely short like you?
* **Co****i****ny**: Ha! Good one! I *won't* get you for that, Gaty!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I mean, the kid, he got my whole personality wrong. I do *not* complain like that!

[*Gaty and Saw giggle quickly.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: At least he gave you a voice; I was practically sleeping.
* **N****a****ily**: So was I!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: No you weren't, Naily, you were unconscious. Don't you remember drowning in the lake?
* **N****a****ily**: I did, didn't I?
* **Golf Ball**: You seem to have forgotten that your density is too high for water, just as mine is.
* **N****a****ily**: Yeah. [*sighs*] I should try getting physical.
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh, don't sweat it, Nails. What matters is that you're here and you're safe. I mean, you were going to die either way, but...
* **N****a****ily**: Nick!
* **Nic****k****el**: [*smiles awkwardly*] Sorry.

[*Nickel looks at a telephone on the table. Naily sees it too.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Hey. Is that a phone I see?
* **N****a****ily**: Let's try it out!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Race you there!

[*They all start climbing the table to the phone. It is a rotary phone, typical of the era.*]

* **N****a****ily**: You're coming too?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Sure. Maybe I can call my fam and tell them I'm not actually dead.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: But you are dead. No one out there knows what goes on after contestants die, unfortunately. [*looks at the camera*] They never do.
* **N****a****ily**: Oh, come on, TB, you should be having fun!
* **Golf Ball**: I still do not think this is a good idea. But if you want to play, you may. It has been proven that play is psychologically stimulating for young people.
* **T****r****e****e**: Aaaaaggh!

[**Tree** *can be seen and heard furiously writing on a notepad, flipping pages as he goes.* **Remote** *and* **Black Hole** *notice, while nearly everyone else ignores him.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Um... Tree? Are you okay?
* **T****r****e****e**: I can't believe I've forgotten about my story; it should be done by now.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But aren't you the only one who will read it?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Coupled with the classic line: "Don't touch my book."
* **T****r****e****e**: That's what I said. But that doesn't change the fact that I've set myself a personal deadline, which I'd hate to violate because of my irresponsibility or, even worse, the holes that continue to gnaw away at my memory. Faaark.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You seem kind of busy. Let me tell you about a similar conundrum, with Remote's and my company.

[*He tells the story and Tree still listens while he writes.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Earlier this year, or should I say *last* year, Remote and I had a stockpile of holiday-related Death PACT stuff to sell, for the winter season. In January, it was Death PACT New Year's noisemakers. In February, it was Death PACT Valentine's Day cards, courtesy of Remote. She even came up with some cute slogans, for the more mechanically-minded. But, because we have been dead and are unable to leave this place, they never came through. I don't know about you, Tree, but a mob of unsatisfied customers is the last thing I want in my business. Yet I believe that, as long as you have a backup plan, all the inconveniences disappear, and it is like starting fresh, new and young again.
* **T****r****e****e**: Unnhh!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Are you ill?
* **T****r****e****e**: I'm not.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: He's annoyed. He's feeling a little insecure because of his age.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh. Well. I'm sorry I brought it up.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, Black Hole. You shouldn't be the one to apologize.

[*Remote gestures at Tree and points to* **Pen** *and* **Aresko**, *who are sleeping together in an Altoids tin. Aresko has his arms around Pen, thinking he's a pillow.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Oh yeah. There's that.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Doesn't that bother you, Tree? I mean, you do get a little jealous of those things.
* **T****r****e****e**: Please, I'm more bothered about test tube babies. Besides, Aresko told me he's never found Pen even mildly attractive. Any cuddling on their end is a result of their being crammed in that tin like sardines.
* **Ar****esko**: [*talking in his sleep*] You're a nice... orthopaedic pillow.
* **T****r****e****e**: Or a bit of confusion.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wow.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah. Why won't he buy our Death PACT orthopaedic pillows?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Exactly, Remote.

#### Visitor from the other room

[*Enter* **Human X**, *who looks suspiciously like a 28-year-old Pokey. She comes out of a room with a non-sentient pencil in her hand. Immediately all the objects freeze in their positions.*]

* **Human X**: Hey, I've just got a great idea for the new *Unfake TPOT* episode! [*looks around*] Oh, she's not here. I guess she's out...

[*She sees the action figures scattered around the room.*]

* **Human X**: [*sigh*] Really? I swear, these visiting fans need to learn to put these action figures away; that's how they get lost or eaten by the cats... Oh.

[*She sees Nickel, Naily and Price Tag standing on top of the phone and puts them down with the others.*]

* **Human X**: Down you go, you silly kids. Wouldn't it be funny if you could actually use the phone? But you can't, ha ha! [*Beat.*] Wait, why am I in here again? Never mind, back to writing.

#### Free play (again)

[*Exit* **Human X** *to the room from which she entered. She closes the door and we can hear the click-clack sounds of a typewriter being used for screenplay-writing.*]

* **S****aw**: Did you see that, everyone? That human just passed through the door!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: It's not that unusual, Saw; she opened it, walked through it and closed it. No passing involved.
* **Puffball**: Fries, is it really time for you to start party-pooping?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Puffball is right, it's not the time for a party. According to my internal timekeeping system, we should be starting the 27th challenge right now, today.
* **Golf Ball**: Exactly. Two is not present to give us any guidance, so we must organize the challenge ourselves.
* **S****aw**: I still think that, maybe, it would be nice if we knew what was behind that door.

[*Gaty gets up from lying down.*]

* **G****at****y**: What door?
* **S****aw**: The green door, Gaty, the one that's keeping the secrets. /s

[*Gaty looks at her strangely.*]

* **S****aw**: Hey! I've just done a sarcasm!
* **Nic****k****el**: *That's* the word!
* **S****aw**: Yeah, no, I'm talking about the door with a picture of a pencil on it.

[**Pen** *jolts awake.*]

* **P****en**: ***PENCIL?*** Where?

[*Pen's cry for Pencil is so loud that it wakes up and startles* **Aresko**. *Tree continues to write.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Aeh, I think I broke my ear-equivalent. [*sees Pen, who is looking around*] Oh, that's why; I was sleeping next to you. [*steps out of the tin and lies down next to it*] That's better.
* **P****en**: I heard someone say her name! Tree, you've been up; was Pencil really, *really* here? Did she say anything about me? Come on, boss, tell me!
* **T****r****e****e**: [*mumbling to himself while writing*] Why would *that*, a question about somebody whom we've not seen in thirteen years, be the first thing that comes to his mind, and not "Where the hell are we" or "Hey, man, you alright or are you just being angsty for fun"?
* **P****en**: [*not hearing him*] Oh. You're writing. Let's not bother the old guy, Aresko.

[*Pen and Aresko go to the other side of the room. Tree comically turns red for a second and snaps the pencil with which he is writing.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Frick!

[*Clock stands on the table in the middle of the room to make an announcement.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Focus, people!
* **G****at****y**: Why now? We like this holiday; it's called *being dead*.
* **S****aw**: You mean, being dead *in technicality*.
* **G****at****y**: Yep, yep, yep.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: But it's time for the next challenge of... *The Power of Two!*
* **G****at****y**: Yeah, because that's what an "uhb-jihct" ought to do. /s
* **Baske****t****ball**: Hey, hey, hey, you're announcing a challenge!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Are you going to tell us what it is?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I... don't know.

[*Awkward silence as Clock steps down from the table.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: This is awkward. But then again, so is Two.

## A proposal to live for

### **Beach**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** are reclining by the water. **Bok** is with them as well, making a sculpture of her new English name.
* **Two**: Huh.
* **Five**: What's going on?
* **Two**: I'm sensing a little pest saying my name inside me.
* **Five**: It must be your bloodstream. [*whispering*] "Toot-toot-toot-toot-toot..."
* **Two**: Numbers have bloodstreams now?
* **Five**: Yeah, it's a new evolutionary update to make us consistent with the inhabitants of other planets.
* **Two**: That's terrible. I miss the old days when we algebraliens were ourselves and nothing else. Especially us. Remember the Equation Playground? We must have been the independent souls back in that place, and now look at us. Just a bunch of run-down, antiquated beings.
* **Five**: Hey, there's nothing wrong with being a little old-fashioned. You know, when you're older, you can do a lot of things that you might not have had the opportunity to do when you were younger.
* **Two**: Like what?
* **Five**: Sitting on the beach and enjoying the view together. Cutting in line at the Integers' Buffet together. Volunteering in the infirmary I got kicked out of together.
* **Two**: I must be missing something, because I'm still confused. Can you please give me another hint?

[*Five takes a deep breath and gets out of his seat. He kneels down in front of Two and presents them with a colour-changing grain of sand.*]

* **Five**: Ooh, this one looks nice.
* **?**: Radical. Rainbow. Sand.
* **Two**: What are you doing?

[*Five looks up.*]

* **Five**: Two?

[*Five looks at Bok and makes sure she is not eavesdropping.*]

* **Five**: [*speaking the language of the Algebraliens*] *Téniriri nrana coï mone sorahocouratoca?*

[*Two pogs and screams excitedly.*]

* **Two**: ***NITONOU! NITONOU!** Nitoné ni téniririnou! Ni tchimo tora quiritchichi nrana tchitonoïchi cacounito harassou moïné, ni tétchito quiranimiqui cara chira cacouï totchimoï cacounimiquiné, conaca ni chinichimiquéca nomiraté couraté cara totchine nicanou!*

[**Bok** *notices and walks over.*]

* **B****o****k**: What's going on?
* **Five**: Uh... [*to Two*] You want to say it?
* **Two**: Five has just proposed to me!
* **B****o****k**: [*excited*] Hey, that's great, congratulations! But wait... I thought algebraliens don't believe in marriage.
* **Two**: We don't.
* **B****o****k**: Then why are you so happy?
* **Two**: He asked to be my *co-host!*
* **Five**: It's almost the same thing, you know.

[*Pause.*]

* **B****o****k**: Not... really.
* **Five**: Well, in the algebraliens' culture, if you are the host of an object show together with someone else, you must promise to be true to each other in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and you must honour your co-host until the heat death of the universe do you part. You get it?
* **B****o****k**: I guess so.
* **Two**: It is a beautiful commitment that highlights the algebralien culture, whose mere uniqueness and pulchritude you objects will never, ever, ever understand.
* **B****o****k**: So can I do that?
* **Five**: Are you deaf? They said "whose mere uniqueness and pulchritude you objects will never understand".
* **Two**: [*correcting him*] "Never, ever, *ever* understand."
* **B****o****k**: Sorry.
* **Five**: No, I'm sorry. We should be happy about this joyful and momentous occasion! Oh my Gogma, we're going to be hosts together!
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: Eee-he-he-he-he-he-he!

[*Bok starts to clap as Two and Five start to "he-he-he" rhythmically together.*]

## Two's Recovery Centre

### **Inside Two's nostrils**

**Scene****Clock**, **Golf Ball** and **Tennis Ball** are in the middle of the room planning for today's challenge, while everyone else is everywhere else. The action figure of **Snowball** is seen running from one of the cats in the background.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Tennis Ball and Golf Ball, what do you think of my appointing you both as my co-hosts?
* **Golf Ball**: Humbled.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: But please be aware that in algebralien culture, co-hosting has the same social consequences as marriage.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: We are not algebraliens and we will never be. Heh heh heh.

[*Golf Ball and Tennis Ball look at each other, concerned.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: How about you be my... educational advisors.
* **Golf Ball**: Educational advisors, huh. When we get out of here, I will add that to my job resume.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Your what?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: She's talking about a curriculum vitae.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*nods*] Oh.

[**Puffball** *laughs right next to them.*]

* **Puffball**: Hahahaha.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Puffball, you shouldn't be here. This meeting is for the host and his educational advisors only.
* **Puffball**: What? I was just laughing because Fries said the funniest joke in the world.
* **Golf Ball**: Fries told a joke?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Let's hear it!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Oh, this is a joke that's not meant to be spoken. Especially not in front of... [*imitating Clock*] the host and his educational advisors.

[*Exeunt* **Fries** *and* **Puffball** *as* *Clock rolls his eyes.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: So, do you two have any contest ideas?
* **Golf Ball**: I would have some, but there's nothing that would be well received among the others nor is there a challenge that would ensure a victory for U.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Aha, biased towards our team there, are you, GB?
* **Golf Ball**: Shh, we must keep this between you and me and the table leg.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, I'll give you time. I'll try to come up with ideas myself. It shouldn't take long, right?
* **French Narrator**: Nine hours later.

#### Nine hours later

[*The lights are on in the living room as* **Human W** *is back—The Boy has been picked up by his parents. She is sitting on the couch on the other side of the room, watching* T.J. Hooker, *oblivious to what the objects are up to). Meanwhile,* **Clock**, **Golf Ball** *and* **Tennis Ball** *still have no ideas.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Still no ideas?
* **Golf Ball**: Nothing that fulfils our criteria.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: This would be so much easier if Two were here.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, Two's unavailable, so it's up to us to fend for ourselves. I expected myself to be lacking in creativity here, but not the two smartest contestants that ever were.
* **Golf Ball**: Thank you for using our proper credentials.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I'm sorry, Clock, but for some reason our minds are blank! If I've learned anything from when I died seven years ago, it's that educational advising doesn't exist in the realm of death.
* **Golf Ball**: The issue is that we are too smart for the job, and we need someone who is a bit... uh... Tennis Ball?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I can't say it; it's not very nice.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Moronic.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Thank you.

[*Clock points at* **Pen** *who, together with* **Aresko**, *is trying to take the giant bagel that The Boy had left on the table (and is failing miserably).*]

* **Golf Ball**: Okay, then. [*Aloud.*] Eh-y, Pen!
* **P****en**: Yo!
* **Golf Ball**: Come here, we need you.

[*Pen's smile grows wide as he realizes he is needed. Meanwhile,* **Tree** *is still writing in his notepad—he hasn't moved in the last nine hours. This time, he is using a non-sentient pen, on which he has drawn a happy face and a tiny Star of David tattoo near its cap. He is muttering to himself as he writes.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: And so, that's the story of the time I experienced more than one season while competing in *a* season, and I wish—no, I *hope* the future version of me enjoyed it as much as I tried to. Aaand... *done!* Ugggh, finally!

[*Tree shakes his hand from writing too much. He then lies down on the carpet.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Ooh... this is nice. [*calling out*] Hey, Remote, Black Hole!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*Aside.*] Looks like he wants to talk.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What is it, Treeënce?
* **T****r****e****e**: Finished.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Cool. While you were busy writing, Remote and I were busy making business plans.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We've got everything covered for the next twenty years.
* **T****r****e****e**: Fascinating. Hey, do either of you want to read my first draft?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Mm, I don't know. That sounds like a bad idea, for me to read all those ridiculous love scenes. I can find better writing in those pastiches, which fans write about us.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: If he don't want to, I will.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I thought you were ace, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And? I only read them to practise my laugh.
* **T****r****e****e**: Don't worry. [*He hands her the notepad.*] Most of that stuff happens in the first half, which I've left out in the real world. Just hope Two's not having a read at it.

[*Remote flips through the pages at record speed, taking in the information as quickly as she can. One second later.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Done.
* **T****r****e****e**: Well?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Even under all the waxing poetic, this is very emotional. Good job.
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh. Thanks.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Why did you spell the names wrong?
* **T****r****e****e**: So I don't get too invested.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I never realized how strongly you've felt for this guy. Black Hole, come take a look.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Okay.

[*Remote shows Black Hole one of the pages. He looks up at Pen (who is talking with Clock, Golf Ball and Tennis Ball), and then at Tree.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You need to talk to this guy.
* **T****r****e****e**: *This guy*, who?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Eggy The Hatcher, Tree, who do you think we're talking about? /s
* **T****r****e****e**: I get it. I think I'll have a nice little chat with this guy.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah, you got this.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We're behind you 100%.

[*Exit* **Tree** *dramatically. Remote and Black Hole look inside Tree's notepad again.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: "My ochre-brown, arborous loins". Ha. Ha. Ha.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote, you are one of a kind.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Looks like Plan Y to get to the phone has failed.
* **N****a****ily**: I guess we've got one more letter to get through, and then we give up. Plan Z [*pronounced "Zed"*], everyone?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yep!
* **Nic****k****el**: Wait, you say *Zed*? It's *Zee*, dude!
* **N****a****ily**: Not where I'm from.
* **Nic****k****el**: Hold on... I can't believe this whole time, you've been saying *Zed!* This is... this is madness!
* **N****a****ily**: Well, who says *Zee*? Even in Japan, it's called *Zetto*, you know. Taggy, back me up and prove this septic tank wrong!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Gee, I wish I could, but in Azeri *and* Persian, we say *Ze*.
* **Nic****k****el**: Heck, yeah!

[*Price Tag and Nickel low-five.*]

* **N****a****ily**: Am I alone in this?
* **[** **Nic****k****el** · **P****ri****c****e Tag** **]**: **[** Mm-hmm. · That's right. **]**
* **N****a****ily**: Aww.

[*Silence. The three of them burst out laughing.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Oh, we sure ain't getting nothing done tonight!
* **N****a****ily**: Yeah, we won't!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, we're just not.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Just running it down again: The Alefs will have eight players, U will have three and Vitas will have seven.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: You mean there are *six* for Vitas.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Oh, that's true. None of us have seen Snowball all day.
* **Golf Ball**: ***Good.***

[*Snowball screams as he gets chased by the same cat in the backyard and eventually gets eaten. No one seems to notice.*]

* **Snowball**: [*from inside the cat's body, muffled*] *NOOOOOOOOOOOO!*
* **C****l****o****c****k**: So it's eight against nine, as we're combining Vitas and U out of necessity. Is that enough?
* **P****en**: Why don't we just put Nonexisty on The Alefs? Then we'll be good to go.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's actually pretty clever. He *is* everywhere.

[*As their conversation continues in the background, Tree walks up to Pen, out of breath.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Oi... Pen... I want to see you.
* **P****en**: How d'ya want me to pose?
* **T****r****e****e**: Just come down with me.
* **P****en**: [*shrugs his shoulders; to Golf Ball, Tennis Ball and Clock*] See you guys later!

[*Tree takes Pen's hand as they jump to the ground together.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: I'm sorry, I'm just tired. I must've climbed a metre just to get to you.
* **P****en**: No, I understand. I'd climb that high to look at me too.

[*Without a word, Tree takes Pen behind the leg of the table. He looks around to see if anyone is eavesdropping—no one else is there.*]

* **P****en**: What's going on?
* **T****r****e****e**: We need to talk. Now.
* **P****en**: Okay. Hey, I'll go first! How's your day been?
* **T****r****e****e**: I've finished the story.
* **P****en**: You did? By golly, that's swell! I'm really proud of you for getting that done, old man.
* **T****r****e****e**: *Mmh!* I mean... [*sighs*]
* **P****en**: Was it something I said?
* **T****r****e****e**: That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. I have absolutely loathed your calling me those names, you know, *old man*, *old sport*, *old dude*.
* **P****en**: I've never called you *old dude*.
* **T****r****e****e**: You were bound to say it one day, and that's not the point.
* **P****en**: Gee... I'm awfully sorry, Tree. When I called you that, I thought you'd find it really cool.

[*Tree sits down. Pen follows him.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: It isn't—I mean, it wasn't. I found it quite insulting. Yes, I know I'm six years your senior, but you and Glenn didn't have to keep rubbing it in my face. Constantly leaving the house, going out and partying—how d'ye think that makes me feel? Like the oldest fricking codger of a dad in the world. I'm probably going to die before I finish talking to you.
* **P****en**: Tree, don't look at it that way, I think you're a great dad, maybe even as great as mine, as a matter of fact. I mean, you must be. How else could you have raised such a terrific son?
* **T****r****e****e**: Stop trying to butter me up, but... [*smiles weakly*] Oh, Pen, I suppose I'm... I *have* been looking at it the wrong way. Writing this draft and realizing that you and Glenn never meant to make me feel like chiz, that you were calling me those names out of respect for me, well, it makes me realize that I'm totally okay with how I am. And... I suppose now that I'm looking into your eyes, I reckon I'm starting to feel a lot better.
* **P****en**: Now that's the way to do it! Hug?
* **T****r****e****e**: I would rather shake hands.
* **P****en**: Good thinking, kind sir. [*giggles*]

[*They shake hands and get up.*]

* **P****en**: So... d'ya still hate being called *old sport* and all that?
* **T****r****e****e**: Yes. But only because it sounds rather silly coming out of your mouth.
* **P****en**: Ha-*ha!* I must say, it does make me sound a bit like a dumbo.
* **T****r****e****e**: Mm-hmm.
* **P****en**: Don't worry, Tree, I promise: No more old people words. No more *old man*, no more *old sport*, and certainly no more *daddy*.
* **T****r****e****e**: Good boy. [*pats Pen's cap*] I don't really mind being called *daddy*, though.
* **P****en**: Okay, da—
* **T****r****e****e**: Zhh!

[*Tree presses a finger against Pen's mouth and jokingly glares at him.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Not here, yeah? [*tries to wink*] I'm winking, in case you couldn't tell.

[*Tree and Pen laugh quietly and they return to the area with the other contestants.*]

* **P****en**: Say, why don't we get back to the contest? I put most of it together, y'know.
* **T****r****e****e**: You did? What is it?
* **P****en**: [*finger guns*] Are you ready for the best friendly game of baseball ever played?
* **T****r****e****e**: Baseball. It had to be that.
* **P****en**: Us and U against The Alefs, baby.
* **T****r****e****e**: And let me guess: You're the ball throwy guy.
* **P****en**: He's called the *pitcher*, and he's you!
* **T****r****e****e**: You're making me the star player of our team?
* **P****en**: You gotta; you're just so good!
* **T****r****e****e**: Aah, the buttering up again, make it stop! /j

## Dancing honeymoon

### **Two's Party Huis**

**Scene**Two and Five are celebrating their proposal in the Party Huis as **Bok** looks on.
* **B****o****k**: Are you two dancing?
* **Two**: Yes! I, Two, *am* dancing!
* **Five**: And I, Five, am dancing as well.
* **B****o****k**: I hope you're having fun then. This must be like a serious emotional thing for you.
* **Two**: Of course!
* **Five**: Becoming a co-host is one of the greatest honours an algebralien can receive in their life.
* **B****o****k**: Two... I don't want to sound rude, but... it's just that traditionally, whenever you experience an exceedingly emotional event, you tend to...
* **Two**: Tend to what? [*exceedingly deep voice*] Hee-hoo-hee-hoo-hee-hoo!
* **B****o****k**: I was going to say "recover people".
* **Two**: Oh!
* **Five**: I see where you're going, *Corano*.
* **B****o****k**: What?
* **Two**: That's how we say your name in Algebralien! Your new one, of course.
* **B****o****k**: Fascinating, *To*, and *Fem*. That's how I say your names in Norwegian.
* **Five**: [*Aside.*] Ha ha. Fem.
* **B****o****k**: Anyway, I was sort of expecting you to sneeze out dead people, you know, since you've been so happy in the last few hours.
* **Two**: Trust me, Bok, I've been trying. For some reason, I've not been in much of a sneezy mood lately.
* **Five**: It's because they're around me. Two would be sneezing every minute if it weren't for their great self control!
* **Two**: Oh, you.
* **Five**: Co-hostie.
* **B****o****k**: Right. Well, if anyone does come out of you in cylindrical form, please tell me. I'm going up to my room to watch TV. And not the contestant because he's dead!

[*Exit* **Bok**, *a bit more quickly than usual. Two and Five stop dancing.*]

* **Five**: You're not telling her?
* **Two**: She'll find out as soon as she goes up.

## Two's Recovery Centre

### **Inside Two's nostrils**

**Scene**View from the other side of the room. **Human W** is still sitting on the couch, oblivious to the noisy baseball game that's going on in the background. Her eyes are focused on the show she's watching, *The Love Boat*, even as she talks to Human X, who is in the other room.
* **Human W**: Coming out?
* **Human X**: No, I still have two more scenes to do!
* **Human W**: I'll finish the last tomorrow!
* **Human X**: Thank you!
* **Human W**: [*going back to the television*] That Ted Lange is a hoot. Wait. I think I hear something.

[*Human W hears a sound that is not coming from the television. In true 1980s fashion, she walks over to the TV and turns it off. The noise of the contestants dies down with the TV.*]

* **Human W**: Oh well.

[*Human W turns on the TV and sits down. The contestants make noise again. Meanwhile, outside the house, we see two new humans:* **Human Y** *and* **Human Z**. *Human Z resembles Michael and Human Y unsurprisingly looks like Cary. Both are 33 years old.*]

* **Human Y**: Yeah, I know, she was so surprised.
* **Human Z**: Really?
* **Human Y**: Oh, for sure. I mean...

[*Human Y opens the door to see Human W watching TV and the contestant action figures frozen in place. He and Human Z look confused.*]

* **Human Z**: Whoa, that's new.
* **Human Y**: Human W, did you make this?
* **Human W**: What?
* **Human Y**: It looks like the action figures are playing a baseball game. Who made this?
* **Human W**: Probably that kid we were fan-sitting earlier. It's no big deal; I'll clean up later.
* **Human Y**: Okay, I'll start recording my lines.
* **Human Z**: I'll be here, eating yoylecake.
* **Human W**: Have fun.

[*Exeunt* **Human Y** *to a room with a microphone on it. Human Z stays and opens the cabinet for some snacks. Human W gets up.*]

* **Human W**: Want to know something weird?
* **Human Z**: [*pointing at the TV*] No one's recommended a character called Love Boaty yet?
* **Human W**: Yes, that... *and* these toys always seem to move when I'm not looking.
* **Human Z**: That's funny.
* **Human W**: Come on, don't tell me you've never noticed.
* **Human Z**: Our fans might do some crazy things, but they can never control our special action figures, especially when they're not here.

[*Human Z turns around and the contestants move.*]

* **Human W**: We probably got the cursed variety. "Oh, ha, ha, let's give these creators some toys that've been possessed by *evil!*"
* **Human Z**: I doubt it.

[*Human Z turns around again and he notices that the action figures have moved. Human W points at the toys.*]

* **Human W**: I doubt your doubt.
* **Human Z**: Oh sh—

## The crossover

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene****Two** is preparing a room for **Five**. They have given Five their very own bed on top of the desk, under which Two usually sleeps.
* **Five**: It's beautiful.
* **Two**: You sure you don't want to sleep next to me?
* **Five**: No way, I need a little space.
* **Two**: Same, though.

[*Enter* **Bok**, *who silently goes down the stairs. She stops for a second and starts screaming quietly.*]

* **B****o****k**: Å, å, å, å, å, å, å—
* **Two**: What is it, Bok?
* **B****o****k**: I've never realized how fast I could run down these stairs! It's as if I've travelled back in time!
* **Two**: There's no way you're noticing this now.
* **B****o****k**: What are you talking about, Two?
* **Two**: Bok, you have de-aged seven years.
* **B****o****k**: What? That's impossible!
* **Five**: If I may politely interject... NO! It is possible! Have you forgotten what you're battling for? Limitless power! That includes the ability to change people's ages every decade, as Two did 22 months ago.
* **Two**: I still can't believe you didn't notice it.
* **Five**: I can. Bok, if you've been in prison since December of last year, then you couldn't have felt a change in yourself, as you weren't required to climb any stairs as you are here.
* **Two**: Wow, you're a genius! [*to Bok*] But did you feel it the first time I changed your age five years ago?
* **B****o****k**: What?
* **Two**: When I made you five years younger, in 1977. Did anybody feel it?

[*Bok hesitates.*]

* **B****o****k**: Uh, it must have been a little nudge or something, 'cause I sure as Valhalla didn't feel anything.
* **Two**: Well, none of that matters right now because you're young, and you're average, and you're Bok. I think our work here is done, although it would certainly help if I went to my Party Huis, turned it back into a multi-purpose building of many names and got you the fake-mole/glasses combination you deserve.
* **B****o****k**: Sure, you can do that. I do miss ABBA, though.
* **Two**: It's a bittersweet day when I hear about their splitting up and moving on. I feel like I am to... I feel like... [*Pause.*] Wait. Something's wrong.
* **Five**: Oh my Gogma, Two, are you okay?
* **Two**: I feel... something... rising within me.
* **B****o****k**: Really, what's that?

[*Two's voice lowers and shadows fill the room.*]

* **Two**: *The dead contestants.*

[*A scary noise sounding like the rising strings effect from Kevin MacLeod's "The House of Leaves" plays.*]

* **Five**: ***TWO'S GONNA BLOOOOOOOW!***
* **Two**: [*between deep breaths*] Oh, Gogma, it's happening! They are are making their way out of me, aaaaaaaaaah!

[*Sudden view of Two's Recovery Centre, as the contestants begin to float up, still in their poses.*]

* **Human Z**: This is wild: unnaturally floating objects. Skip's un-*foldy*-ing before our very eyes.
* **Human W**: *Foldy*-ing? Now is not the time for a pun, Human Z.
* **Human Z**: Sorry. We've got to tell the others.

[**Humans W** *and* **Z** *rush into the rooms while the action figures float out of the house and into the sky, as does the Snowball action figure, which floats up from a litter box outside the house. Meanwhile, in the object world,* **Two** *is doing some breathing exercises to get the dead contestants out of their nostrils.*]

* **Two**: A*hoo*eegh! A*hoo*eegh! Oh, Bok, Five, I'm in more pain at the moment than when I was going through that steamroller!
* **Five**: What was so bad about that?
* **Two**: It wasn't a cannon! [*breathes heavily*]

## Pre-contest

[*Two is still in agony. Parts of their body are turning red, the colour of pain.*]

* **B****o****k**: Far be it from me to ignore the plight of our host, but when the contestants return, will there be a challenge? And if there is one, what are the chances of our team losing?
* **Two**: [*speaking through struggling*] Bok, your bringing me to the beach has led me to the start of the best relationship ever to exist on this planet. As a token of my appreciation, your team shall be granted immunity for the next two episodes.
* **B****o****k**: [*pogs*] Yes! Thank you, Two! But seriously, are you okay? You're starting to look like an inaccurately-colourized aluminum Christmas tree.
* **Two**: I don't knooooooooow. I've never recovered all these people before!
* **Five**: Just push. Push through your nostrils, you perfect number.
* **B****o****k**: I hate to ruin the moment, but two's not a perfect num—
* **Five**: ***NOT NOW, BOK!*** Two, just push, right now. Push. Push. Push push push push push—
* **[** **Five** · **B****o****k** **]**: PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH—
* **Two**: [*in a thundering voice*] ***Silence!***

[*Silence. Two gets up and smiles at the camera. They begin to speak demurely.*]

* **Two**: Do you hear that? The babies are coming.
* **Five**: What? I don't know nothing about birthing no babies!
* **B****o****k**: But wait, Two, does that mean you're going to—

[*Sternuit XXI cylindros receptatorum with the loudest wet fart sound possible. As this happens...*]

* **B****o****k**: Ah! They're here! And they're no longer dead!
* **Five**: I'm so happy we didn't go to jail for this.
* **B****o****k**: Yeah, happy... Anyway, Two, if there is a competition today, how will anyone wi—
* **Two**: *Later, I'm sneezing!*

[*In Two's Recovery Centre.* **Humans W**, **X**, **Y** *and* **Z** *go back to the living room to see that all the action figures have disappeared.*]

* **Human W**: But they were all right here!
* **Human Z**: And now they're gone!
* **Human Y**: What am I looking it?
* **Human X**: Looks like nothing to me.
* **Human W**: Oh, those toys are *so* busted.

[*In the object world.*]

* **B****o****k**: Two, who's going to you-know-what your you-know-what first?
* **Two**: The one who feels the strongest emotion at the moment. It can be any emotion, if you recall. For example: happiness, sadness, anger, the desire to flee. How passionate you are plays a big part in your exit order, and I don't think there's anybody here who experiences such strong bouts of unbridled passion as—

## Contest

[*I suppose this counts as the contest.* **Pen** *is the first to break out of his recovery cylinder—he throws his arms up and cheers loudly with joy.*]

* **P****en**: ***WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!*** *HOME RUUUUUNN!!! We did it, gang!* First victory in seven episodes, son of a gun! *Ecco* *la squadra migliore di storia di tutti i giorni!*
* **Two**: That.

[**Tree** *breaks his cylinder open with a single punch. He is annoyed, but he looks less sufficiently exhausted: His wrinkles from the past episodes are gone.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Okay, can you stop shouting? You're even more ardent than you need to be.
* **P****en**: I'm sorry, Tree, I can't help it! Our team scored the win, and it's all because of you!
* **T****r****e****e**: Can't believe I did well in a sport. I feel like a dumb jeek.
* **P****en**: You were *awesome*, champ, I- I could just kiss you!
* **T****r****e****e**: What are you waiting for, then? Go for it, you coxcombical ratbag.
* **P****en**: [*giving Tree a big kiss on the cheek*] Mmwah!
* **T****r****e****e**: [*blushes*] You scamp, did you just bite me? /j

[*Pen smiles cheekily.*]

* **Two**: Hey! Stop stealing my thunder, comer from the land down under!
* **T****r****e****e**: The hell is Two going on about now?
* **B****o****k**: Two and Five got engaged.
* **T****r****e****e**: Ah.

[**Black Hole** *sucks up his cylinder.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Alright, this singularity heard familiarity. That he's out so early is a rarity.
* **P****en**: Black Hole! Did you see yourself out there? We totally—
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*smiling half-heartedly, kind of*] Won, I know. U and Vitas...

[**Remote** *breaks out.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We won and The Alefs lost.
* **P****en**: Eyyy, Remote! High five! [*He and Remote high-five.*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I feel naïver.

[**Golf Ball** *and* **Tennis Ball** *are freed. They stumble a bit as they walk out.*]

* **Golf Ball**: I must respectfully suggest that whoever said that should have said *more naïve* instead of *naïver*.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I've got a suggestion: tell me where the on-set ophthalmologist is, because I can't see anything! [*falls on his face*]
* **Golf Ball**: Neither can I!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Neither can I. But what I can see, is a lack of wrinkles on your visage, Tree.
* **T****r****e****e**: Huh?

[*One by one, all the other contestants break out of their cylinders, astonished by their newer (and slightly modified) appearances as they are recovered in front of the giant mirror that covers the front desk at night hours.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Oh wow, my fries are back.
* **Baske****t****ball**: What happened to my hair?
* **S****aw**: Why's my handle still purple?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Why are my hands in another position?
* **G****at****y**: Because we're in another time, duh.
* **Two**: That's right, Gaty! Attention, everyone! Welcome to the end of the de-aging process; you are now seven years younger than you were five minutes ago!
* **T****r****e****e**: Two, you don't mean to say I'm a younger man now, do you?
* **Two**: I don't know, do I? [*points Tree to the mirror*]
* **T****r****e****e**: [*looking at himself*] Defeats the point of the message of acceptance I was trying to grasp, but I'll learn to like it if it makes people happy.

## End of and after the contest

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**By now, almost all of the recovery cylinders have been broken out and the contestants are all happily chattering among one another. Enter **Two** and **Five**, carrying pots and pans they have stolen from the hotel restaurant. They bang on them raucously while stomping on the floor.
* **Two**: Bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing! We have an announcement!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What is it.
* **Five**: Your host and I... Two and I... we're—
* **Two**: Five is my new co-host.

[*Silence.*]

* **Golf Ball**: That's all?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Who cares?
* **Nic****k****el**: I'm bored now.
* **N****a****ily**: Race you to the phones?
* **Donut**: I could go for a call!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Me too!
* **Co****i****ny**: Lincooooooln!
* **P****i****n**: Lisaaaaaa!

[*Exeunt omnes, rushing outside. Manent* **Five** *and* **Two**.]

* **Five**: Funny, I thought they'd react more positively.
* **Two**: Objects.

[**Snowball** *breaks his way out of his cylinder, the last contestant to do so. Five and Two look at him.*]

* **Snowball**: Sooo... cooooold.

### **Voting screen**

**Scene****Two** stands before the typical voting screen of the act. **Five** does nothing but stand next to them and smile as this song plays:

* **Two**: Vote in the comments using your favourite sequence of letters and square brackets for which item you'd most like to see in an episode. That's right! The most common letter in each position will be combined to make your ultimate super-item! How'd I do?
* **Five**: Nice to see what it looks like from this angle.

[*The two of them stare at the screen. Roll credits.*]

## Stinger

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**Night. **Two** has converted the original living arrangement into a more conventional one: a bunk bed. **Five** sleeps on the top bunk while Two is on the bottom. Two giggles.
* **Five**: Two? Are you okay?
* **Two**: It's just a number-gut reaction. I was proposed to, I gained a new co-host, my objects are back with welcome indifference, and I get to spend the rest of my life in this bed built for Two. And friend. What a great day!
* **Five**: Want another one tomorrow?
* **Two**: Heck yeah!

[*Five turns the light off, thus bringing this episode to...*]

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

**B****o****k**: How's that working out for you, effective Fairy Queen?
**Two**: [*confused*] What?
**B****o****k**: If you're so familiar with objects' media, then you'd know that in *Iolanthe*, the Fairy Queen was about to kill her entire band of subordinates, but she couldn't do it. And yet you did! I don't think that's very nice or death-preventing, Two.
**Five**: Mee-yow! Cat fight.
[*Bok looks at Five, confused.*]
**Two**: It isn't that which confuses me, Bok. Apple juice?
[*Two holds up a glass of apple juice that appears out of nowhere.*]
**B****o****k**: Um... sure.
**Two**: Cheers.
**B****o****k**: *Skål.*
**Five**: *L'chaim!*
[*Bok toasts Five and Two.*]

* I had a number of ideas for the recovery scene. Instead of action figures, they were originally going to be crude drawings (but who wants to look at those for over a minute?) and then points of light with speech visualized by colourful wavelengths (there was a show on Apple TV about that same thing, I think).
* Coiny and Nickel's conversation, in draft form. This was considered too deep for an 11-year-old, so I kept it simple and *not* like this:

just wanted to tell you s well as the rest of yall where were at coi- you mean youve been here before? yeah - i died about nine years ago but i can still remember this place, it was much smaller, this has got to be the largest house in the world and ive been to the estate of ro cky feller, she tends to marvel, DONUT - well, i know theres no chance of escape, don think of it like that, donut!, well, i've havent died since bfb, but back then the recovery process was a lot differnt, oh yeah how was it?

* Human #2 was going to mention that she just came up with a new idea for "TPOT 2" rather than "the new *Unfake TPOT* episode"... Keep in mind that this is set place nine years from now, ~~2021~~ 1973. Honestly, I didn't want to put that in because it would sound like I was rushing Jacknjellify; like, no, I'm not expecting the next real episode of TPOT to come out in nine years.
* Saw:

**S****aw**: I must have died a hundred times, because I've never seen what was behind that door.

* After Pen asks about Pencil:

**R****e****m****ot****e**: [*Aside.*] Tree, you can't deny he sounds so cute when he's excited.
**Ar****esko**: He sounds like me waiting for Father Christmas... five years ago.

* To make the net change in aggression (between original and final) less dramatic, Tree shouts "Frick" now instead of "Faaaark". Two phonemes do make a difference.
* Golf Ball's obscure vocabulary word for secrecy was originally "in the hugger-mugger" instead of what she says in the final version. Clock was to ask what it meant (just like in the "resume" incident), so I changed it.
* After Black Hole says "That sounds like a bad idea, for me to read all those [...] love scenes" (The original word was "flowery-worded"):

**T****r****e****e**: I'm a plant, all I know is flowery words.

* Another alternate line:

**T****r****e****e**: And you got all that done in an hour?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: What are you talking about, little green? It has been nine hours and ten minutes.
**T****r****e****e**: Oh... I suppose time flies when you're having fun.
**C****l****o****c****k**: Hey, that's my line... that I never use!
[*Tree, Remote and Black Hole look up at the table to see Clock, Golf Ball, Tennis Ball and Pen making plans for the contest together.*]
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Well, I can say that it's time for you.

* There was originally going to be a much longer stinger. It has been moved to the start of the next episode.

## Notes

1. ↑ I personally prefer this title, but I know that it's going to be a hassle to type the "not equal to" symbol all the time.
2. ↑ As with the BFDI plushies, of which there are twelve as of 1982, the facial expressions do not change with the emotion of the character they represent. Shocking.
3. ↑ **Saw** has not died since 1978, **Black Hole** and **Snowball** since 1977, **Golf Ball** and **Tennis Ball** since 1975, **Pin**, **Remote** and **Tree** since 1974 and **Nickel** since 1973.

The other contestants do not know what it is like to be recovered this way: **Basketball**, **Donut**, **Fries** and **Gaty** have been continuously alive since 1971, **Clock** and **Naily** since 1970, **Pen** since 1969 and **Coiny** and **Puffball** since 1964, while **Aresko**, **Price Tag** and **Winner** have never died before.
4. ↑ No subtitles: "Will you be my co-host?"
5. ↑ No subtitles: "Yes! Yes! Yes I will! I have been waiting for so long for this moment; I was going to ask you, actually, but I didn't know how to say the words!" (Paraphrase; I forgot what I actually wrote lol)
6. ↑ She thinks it's funny that speakers of Antarctican English call what the French call a *CV* a *résumé*, a word that is more obviously French.
7. ↑ Preach!
8. ↑ Eww! Gross! If this episode somehow becomes a real thing, I forbid there to be a scene where a cat poos out Snowball.
9. ↑ The word "push" looks funny now.

**Fake TPOT** [V]