Princess Chelsea Tour Diary (2013)

# Princess Chelsea Tour Diary #1

Dear Diary,

Our tour hasn’t started yet we have just been in London checking our Facebooks.

We flew Air New Zealand on Sunday night at 9pm and spent 24 hours on a plane.

I wore a Pink Floyd Dark Side Of The Moon tracksuit with traditional bling and sparkly glitter Docs with a side ponytail.  Cant remember what everyone else was wearing because it wasn’t that.

I was interested to see if we would get overcharged for our luggage by Air New Zealand.

Recently a few Kiwi musos have been negatively affected by the airlines luggage policies, as musical instruments checked in must be under 1m in length or are subject to oversize charges.

This could be very acceptable if you play and travel with a tiny flute or undersized  soprano recorder but not so reasonable if u play a standard 61 note keyboard or any guitar or bass designed for an adult human being.

Furthermore, travelers who have sporting equipment such as radical surfboards, or awesome skis have up to a 2m length allowance.

A choice Firearm or sick Firearm(s) (multiple) are have no apparent length restrictions.

https://www.airnewzealand.com/oversized-items

I was nervous because all of our IRL sized instruments were over 1m in length.

Thankfully though, the lady at the counter seemed real chill and cool and didn’t bat an eyelid when my dangerously humongous 1.3m bass guitar slid lengthily across the luggage belt.

Relieved, we all made our way to security and boarded the plane.

The flight over was about as comfortable as flights get in pacific class.

Naturally, I settled in, played some Tetris and then watched 500 Days of Summer. I ordered a drink every time a Joy Division t shirt appeared on the screen. Obviously I am joking or I would have died from alcohol poisoning but I did watch 500 Days of Summer for the first time and I’m trying to keep this short so will not go into my thoughts and feelings about it.

The new inflight safety video was quirky and set outdoors in a kiwi national park. I thought it was much better than the last one which was animated and featured the likeness and voice of the guy from the TV show Modern Family on it / Snoop Dogg.

We try our best as a band to be polite and courteous travelers, and I like to think we are a nice band and nice people.

However, there is a certain breed of air hostess who really doesn’t seem to get along with Jonabro.

Perhaps you’ve encountered one before – its the breed that makes you feel like a bad and naughty teenager for making reasonable requests, possibly because you look arty (probably on drugs) and in your 20s.

The aptly named Barbara was a tanned, attractive and slender woman aged around 43 with dyed blonde hair and a sexy breathy contrived pre Judy Bailey news presenter accent.

After our impressive in flight meals (I am not being sarcastic, Air NZ really does have the best plane food) Jamie, myself and Jonabro ordered a few drinks.

Air NZ has a cool new feature whereby you can order your drinks using your touch screen.

After about 45 minutes Barbara turned up with mine and Jamie’s drinks.  Jonabro piped up that he had ordered a Bloody Mary so Barbara visibly upset left and returned moments later with it.  She then literally said “There you’ve got all your gins, all your drinks are you happy now”.

Its hard to describe in text form the tone of her voice while saying this  -  but it was not friendly.  I guess you could type it in all caps but maybe in like some kinda hot pink calligraphy font with exclamation marks or something: It was snide and judgmental while confusingly sexy at the same time.

Anyway two hours later Jonabro ordered a gin and tonic which never showed up.  After waiting for quite a long time he politely informed Barbara. She leaned forward and aggressively asked him “WHAT DID YOU ORDER!!??” while shaking her head from left to right in an almost comically mean way.

Jonabro was a bit offended and couldn’t help himself so he responded in a 100% accurate impersonation of her voice complete with comical head shake “A GIN AND TONIC”.

Overall an alright flight.

Our shuttle driver who picked us up at Heathrow airport (BA TRANSFER I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THEM) was a real cool bro and he was very impressed with my choice of Magic FM – he said that it played nice smooth jams. Listening to Joan Osbournes’ What if God Was One Of Us’ while driving on the M5 was officially my first memorable moment of this trip.

I will write again with I assume, many more to come.

# Princess Chelsea Tour Diary #2

DEAR DIARY A LOT HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST MONTH.  WE'VE BEEN TOURING ROCKING OUT TO AUDIENCES OF BETWEEN 1000 - 5000 WHILE SUPPORTING ALT-J. ITS BEEN A LOT OF WORK AND A LOT OF FUN. THE GENERAL RESPONSE FROM THE AUDIENCE ON TWITTER HAS BEEN MOSTLY POSITIVE, SOMETIMES NEGATIVE, SOMETIMES CONFUSED OR SOMETIMES ALL THREE COMBINED.

ALT-J ARE A VERY ACCOMMODATING BAND TO TOUR WITH.

QUITE OFTEN ACTS WHO HAVE HIT THE BIG TIME DEVELOP SOME KIND OF POWER COMPLEX AND SWAN ABOUT LIKE BIG SHOT 69 PARTY GUYS.  ALT-J ARE BASICALLY THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THIS AND ARE SO CONSIDERATE THEY SHORTENED THEIR SOUNDCHECK FOR THE SUPPORT BANDS BENEFIT WHILE GENERALLY BEING VERY NICE AND CASUALLY HANDING US BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE.

THE OTHER BAND WHO HAS BEEN TOURING ON THE ALT-J LEG IS FLORIDA BASED 100 WATERS.  THEY PLAY SPACEY ENYA FOLK WITH KEYS, FLUTES, DRUMS, GUITARS AND SICK BEATS OVER THE TOP AND ARE SIGNED TO SKRILLEX’S LABEL.

ITS A KOOL BUT ODD FEELING PLAYING THE ESPECIALLY HUGE VENUES AS A SUPPORT ACT.  FOR INSTANCE AT THE BRIXTON ACADEMY, A 5000 CAPACITY VENUE - EVEN IF 2000 PEOPLE IN THE ROOM ARE DIGGING YOUR SET, THAT STILL LEAVES 3000 PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT GAME OF THRONES / FEELINGS. VERY SURREAL BUT STILL HEAPS OF FUN.

MANAGEMENT AND PUBLICISTS ASIDE, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT INITIAL SUCCESS OR ‘BREAKING THROUGH’ AS A MUSICIAN WAS A RESULT OF A WEIRD SORT OF FATE SOUP MADE UP OF BITS PIECES OF SEEMINGLY UNIMPORTANT AS WELL AS SEEMINGLY IMPORTANT MOMENTS IN YOUR CAREER / LIFE. ITS HARD TO DEFINE AT WHAT POINT ANYTHING TRULY MADE A DIFFERENCE BECAUSE ITS A COMBINATION OF 100 DIFFERENT THINGS AND I IMAGINE THAT EVEN WHEN YOU LOOK BACK ON IT YEARS LATER ITS HARD TO CONNECT THE DOTS.

MEANWHILE IN NEW ZEALAND IT SEEMS THE INDIE MUSIC MANAGER GAME HAS BEEN LAUNCHED.

IN MY OPINION I THINK IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA TO START THE FEMALE MUSICIANS OFF -1 LEVEL AS A REFLECTION OF THE TRUE STATE OF THE MUSIC INDUSTRY. THEN THEY COULD HAVE PASSED OFF THE PART IN THE GAME WHERE THE FEMALE RECORDING ENGINEER IS LIKE THE GIRLFRIEND OF A GUY FROM A BAND OR SOMETHING AND IS ALL LIKE DURRRR I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING IS THIS A MICROPHONE LEAD OR A FUNKY NECKLACE / ETHNIC HEADPIECE AS A KIND OF CONTINUATION OF THAT IDEA.

BUT TO BE TOTALLY SERIOUS THERE IS STILL SEXISM LURKING IN THE ALTERNATIVE INDIE AND COMMERCIAL MUSIC SCENEZ.

OCCASIONALLY YOU'LL READ A REVIEW OR PIECE OF JOURNALISM WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WHO HONESTLY JUST SEEMS GENUINELY PISSED OFF AT YOU FOR BEING A GIRL.

GRIMES RECENTLY DID A MUCH-TALKED ABOUT TUMBLR POST ABOUT THE CHALLENGES SHE FACES BEING A MUSICIAN, AND TO A CERTAIN DEGREE A LADY MUSICIAN.

I RECENTLY RECEIVED FEEDBACK ON A NEW SINGLE FROM UK RADIO PEEPS AND WAS TOLD THAT AN INFLUENTIAL BBC RADIO 1 DJ AND UNFORTUNATELY AN EXPAT 'WASN’T SO KEEN ON" AND "TAKES A PARTICULAR DISLIKE TO" FEMALE VOCALS...... IN GENERAL.

LOL.

I AM STILL QUITE SHOCKED BY THIS AND SINCERELY HOPE ITS SOME KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDING ON MINE OR ANYONES PART.

BUT TO BE HONEST, I AM PROBABLY JUST BEING OVERLY SENSITIVE.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE, ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD IS GOING TO A MUSIC STORE AND WATCHING JONATHAN BREE TRY TO BUY A TINY GUITAR AMP FROM SOMEONE WHO TRULY AND COMPLETELY LIVES FOR SELLING GUITAR AMPLIFIERS.

AFTER DISCOVERING JONATHAN RICHMAN AND THE BEACH BOYS AS A SMALL BOY THEN CUTTING HIS TEETH IN FLYING NUN AFFILIATED GOTH BANDS AS A PRE-TEEN JONABRO WENT TROUGH A BRIEF CYPRESS HILL PHASE BEFORE GETTING INTO SONIC YOUTH AND PAVEMENT THEN MAKING HIS FINAL TRANSITION IN THE MUSICAL CIRCLE OF LIFE - ONLY LISTENING TO THE BEATLES.

IT IS SAFE TO SAY AS SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES GUNS N ROSES IN THE SAME BREATH AS HANK WILLIAMS, THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT JONABRO IS VERY AWARE OF WHAT HE WANTS AND NEEDS FROM A GUITAR AMP FOR THE PARTICULAR SOUND HE IS TRYING TO CREATE.

AND BASICALLY WHAT HE NEEDS FOR PLAYING GUITAR IN PRINCESS CHELSEA IS A REALLY CRAPPY AND LIGHTWEIGHT PRACTICE AMP THAT HE CAN PUT IN A SUITCASE AND FLY AROUND PLACES AND WHICH HE TRIES TO MAKE SOUND BETTER USING LIKE 5 PEDALS COS ITS CHEAPER THAN HIRING A FENDER TWIN FOR THREE MONTHS.

LAST YEAR AT THE ROCKSHOP THE MUSCLY SALES ASSISTANT WHO WAS ASSISTING US WITH OUR PURCHASE WAS VERY HELPFUL IN DEMONSTRATING THE FUNCTIONS OF THE VARIOUS NON-PORTABLE AMPS WE COULDNT AFFORD BY SHREDDING METALLICA AND SLAYER RIFS PRETTY AVERAGELY ON ALL OF THEM.  WHEN I SUGGESTED WE TRY THE 4 KG FENDER PRACTICE AMP HE LOOKED UTTERLY SICKENED.

‘MATE YOU WOULDNT WANT THAT, THATS SOMETHING A DAD WOULD BUY FOR HIS TEENAGE DAUGHTER’.

'ILL TAKE IT' - JONABRO

THIS YEAR IN BIRMINGHAM WE VISITED A SICK MEGASTORE FILLED WITH THE RADDEST GEAR.  THE FRIENDLY SALES ASSISTANT COULD SHRED MUCH BETTER THAN THE MUSCLY GUY WE HAD MET LAST YEAR AT THE ROCK SHOP INFACT IM PRETTY SURE HE WAS PLAYING YNGWIE MALMSTEEN ON THE FENDER TWIN WE COULDNT AFFORD.

HE WAS MUCH BETTER AT HIDING HIS DEVASTATION WHEN MID SHRED JONATHAN ASKED FOR JUST THE CHEAPEST THING THEY HAD.   HE WAS STILL REALLY NICE TO US WHEN WE WALKED OUT WITH A 30 POUND (CURRENCY NOT WEIGHT)  SECOND HAND PRACTICE AMP BUT AND ONLY MILDLY SURPRISED WHEN WE TOLD HIM WE WERE USING IT TO PLAY THE BRIXTON ACADEMY.

WHEN HE HEARD WE WERE FROM NEW ZEALAND HE GOT REALLY EXCITED AND SAID 'OH MAN IF I WAS IN NEW ZALAND NOW... ID BE EATING A LAMB!"

WE ALL FOUND THIS STATEMENT REALLY AMUSING AND AS WE DROVE AWAY FROM THE STORE TOWARDS THE SOUNDCHECK AT THE 02 I IMAGINED THE NICE SALES ASSISTANT GETTING OFF A PLANE AT THE AUCKLAND AIRPORT EXCITEDLY THEN SPRINTING VIOLENTLY OUT THE DOOR AND RUNNING FULL SPEED INTO THE DISTANCE UNTIL HE ARRIVED AT THE NEAREST FIELD, WHERE HE BEGAN SHREDDING AIR GUITAR SOLOS EPICLY GOING 'YEAHHH YEAHHHH' BEFORE THROWING HIS AXE (GUITAR) AT AN UNDERSIZED NEARBY LAMB (FATALLY) THEN RUNNING OVER TO IT AND TAKING A BIG BITE AND THEN SHREDDING SOME MORE.

# Princess Chelsea Tour Diary #3

Dear Diary,

Last time I wrote a diary entry we had just finished touring with Alt-J and I was quite tired after a grueling month on the road.

It has now been two months, I am very tired, and the European tour is officially over.

I write this diary entry on board a Thomas Cook flight to Egypt, there were some cheap package deals going on holidays here for some reason - so I have decided to take this opportunity to finally see the great pyramids.  The man sitting directly behind me feels the need to sensually flex his calves outwards into the aisle and while I am trying to ignore his wriggling stray limb in my peripheral, I cant help but feel straddled.

The Princess Chelsea headline shows started horrifically with a show in Manchester at a 150 capacity venue attended by 10 people.  A somewhat shocking welcome back to reality after having played to 5000 at the Brixton Academy only a few nights before with Alt-J - I tried not to let the poor attendance make me doubt my sense of self-worth and general entire life. Thankfully the next night in Glasgow - attendance peaked to around 13 including the sound-person.

Normally a few shows like this could be enough to break someone with an ego anywhere near the normal\* size, however nearly each and everyone of the attendees at these two shows personally thanked me afterwards while giving me heartwarming words of encouragement. Perhaps it was the Boots cold and flu (naturally by this stage we were all pretty sick) but at arguably the lowest point of the tour so far - these meaningful exchanges with people left me feeling strangely calm and sort of pleased with a fast heartbeat and dry mouth.

Thankfully the rest of the shows were more traditionally encouraging.

The show in Brighton was fun and good. The sound-person was a hipster douche who didn’t seem to like his job, possibly because he wasn’t very good at it. He had a really nice haircut though, very Beatles 64 jazzed up to be more post chill wave 2013.  Did you know the Beatles onto it manager Brian Epstein was a gay man (back when it was illegal) who originally had dreams of becoming a fashion designer?  Early on in their career he also acted as their stylist and made them ditch the leathers (they originally went for a macho bad boy biker look lol) forcing them into bunch of sick suits accidentally creating the whole british invasion look - fancy haircuts, chelsea boots with a cuban heel and well tailored clothing with a 60s mod edge.  In my opinion, there is no better example of Epsteins flawless sense of style than the grey collarless suits worn circa 63 and used on the cover of the American single version of I Wanna Hold Your Hand.

Our mainland-European shows took in Switzerland, Vienna, Germany, Portugal, Belgium, Italy, Czech Republic, Slovakia and some last minute shows added in Hungary.

*Band On The Run, Padova, Italy*

All of these shows were fully sick, some of the highlights were accidentally leaving a huge and hard to miss kick drum in the country of Belgium, Miles elbow exploding mid-song, me crying on stage in Prague,   freak,unprecedented flooding in Szeged Hungary on the day of our show leaving the venue partly underwater and Jamie Lee walking in on a man urinating in a toilet in Portugal, and in a state of shock and embarrassment saying the first Portuguese word that came into her head ‘obrigado’ which means ‘Thank You’.

Touring has provided us with many great opportunities for photos, especially for Jonathan Bree who has an exceptional ability to create amazing poses and who for the last five years has been secretly working on his own personalised calendar. Below are a few shots from this tour, which may not even make the final cull, such is the quality of material that has been collated on previous tours.

*Zurich, Switzerland*

*Dungeon, Czech Republic*

*Valencia, Spain*

Sales of his new album The Primrose Path have been ok, however I think the label is considering releasing the calendar eventually and launching a BUY CALENDAR GET FREE LP deal.

\*middle class, white, has a job, no weird dietary requirements, wears cargo shorts in the summer