The Last Laugh

**The Last Laugh** is the sixth episode of the eighth season of *Matlock*, and the one hundred fifty-ninth episode overall.

## Cast

### Main

* Andy Griffith as Ben Matlock
* Brynn Thayer as Leanne McIntyre
* Daniel Roebuck as Cliff Lewis

### Guest Starring

* Mark De Carlo as Billy Jo Walker
* Phil Leeds as Marty Wills
* Gwynyth Walsh as Kiki Rice
* Steven Dean Davis as Russell
* Desiree Marie Velez as Juanita Walker
* Diana Taylor as Assistant D.A.
* Al Wiggins as Judge Clagett

### Featuring

* Deborah De Francisco as Waitress
* Ed Lillard as Man
* Janell McLeod as Mrs. Saladino
* Kip Newton as Jury Foreman
* D.C. North as Auctioneer

## Quotes

**Kiki Rice:** You’re not gonna be here tomorrow night. *(sighs)* It’s not gonna work, Harvey. Another three nights like tonight, this place will be toast. I’m sorry.

**Harvey Chase:** Come here, Kiki. Kiki, I wanna tell you something. You let me down. You chintzed on me. That’s what you did. You chintzed on me. You ran one lousy four-inch ad in the newspaper. Nobody knew I was here.

**Kiki:** Harvey. Harvey, you know I love you, but we are dying here. Comedy has changed. People come here expecting to see what they see on cable, only live.

**Harvey:** So who’s gonna replace me?

**Kiki:** I just got off the phone with Billy Joe Walker.

**Harvey:** Billy Joe Walker? That toilet-mouthed bum.

**Kiki:** He’s doing a gig in Tahoe next month, wants a place to try out some new material.

**Harvey:** What new material? All he does is scratch his butt, grab himself and insult women.

**Kiki:** And he packs the house every night. I’m sorry, Harvey, I really am. I’ll have your check first thing in the morning.

**Man:** Kiki? Backstage, we got a problem. *(Kiki heads backstage; glass shatters as she walks in the door and over to Billy Joe Walker’s dressing room)*

**Kiki:** What the hell is going on in there?

**Waitress:** His wife. She decided to come see him tonight after all.

**Kiki:** Get back to work.

**Billy Joe Walker:** *(after his wife Juanita angrily throws a golf club at him and misses, knocking over the still-on lamp instead)* I’m warning you, babe, you better cut it out.

**Juanita Walker:** *(as Kiki walks in behind her)* I’ve had it with you and your bimbos, Billy Joe. This time, you’re dead **fish**!

**Billy Joe:** It’s “meat,” you dumb broad — “dead meat.”

**Juanita:** *(as she turns to the golf club holder)* Whatever!

**Billy Joe:** Look at all you dudes out there with your ladies, huh? They picking up the tab? *(all laughing)* No way, man, no way. Not as long as they can con you slobs into paying the freight. *(crowd laughing)* Hey, man, do not get me wrong. I love women. I think every guy should own one. *(Laughs)* Now, **there’s** a good-looking babe right down front. Low mileage, nice paint job, great set of headlights. Hey, pal, is this your wife?

**Man:** Yeah.

**Billy Joe:** What are you gonna do?

**Man:** Uh...

**Billy Joe:** Ah, you got any, uh, you got any nude pictures of her?

**Man:** Uh-uh.

**Billy Joe:** You haven’t? You wanna buy some? I got... I tell you, I was out with I think the dumbest broad I’ve ever been out with last week. I’m out with her and, uh... *(looks into the crowd and sees Harvey Chase)* Wait a minute, wait a minute. Well, well, well, folks, look who’s here. Harvey Chase, boys and girls. Did stand up back in Neanderthal days. *(crowd laughing)* How you doing, Harvey? Hear you bombed pretty good last night. Heh, heh. What, did you come back to take notes? Or you too busy copping a feel from that blond bimbo sitting next to you?

**Harvey:** *(casually)* Billy Joe, you like four-letter words, don’t you? Did you ever hear of a four-letter word called “soap”?

**Billy Joe:** Only from a washed-up comic.

**Crowd:** Ooh.

**Harvey:** You know, Billy Joe, you got everything. You ought to be quarantined. *(crowd laughing)*

**Billy Joe:** You’re killing me. I’m gonna make you eat those words, soon as you put your dentures back in.
**Crowd:** Ooh.

**Harvey:** You know what, Billy Joe? From where I’m sitting, you’re really ugly. *(audience laughing)*

**Billy Joe:** And you’re blotto.

**Harvey:** Yeah, but I’ll be sober in the morning, heh. *(crowd laughing)*

**Billy Joe:** Go on back to Jurassic Park, old man, okay? Go, go. I need you butting into my act like you need a vasectomy.

**Crowd:** Whoa.

**Harvey:** *(angrily)* You lousy, worthless little punk. I was bigger than you’ll ever be. I was Broadway, television, motion pictures, night clubs, Vegas.

**Kiki:** Take it easy.

**Harvey:** I can’t take it easy.

**Billy Joe:** Hey, Kiki, buy pops a drink on me, huh?

**Harvey:** Oh, shut up.

**Billy Joe:** Something that matches his career — something on the rocks. *(crowd murmuring)* That guy’s about as much fun as passing a kidney stone. Unh! Know what I’m saying? All right, you freaks, have another drink, take care of your bodily functions, fasten your seat belts, because when I come back, we’re gonna rock and roll. *(crowd laughing)*