Dialtown Matchmaker Web Quiz

Dialtown Matchmaker Web Quiz is a online quiz released in 29.12.2022. In it, Dogman itself invites you to a matchmaker questionnaire which at end of it you get to meet your soulmate. There are 9 "soulmates" available for the player to get, each represented by one of the 9 answers to every question. (Answers will be labeled with their associated character in bold parentheses. As such, **this page contains spoilers for both the quiz and main game.**)

**Editor's note**: Uncertain character answers have been labelled with asterisks. I haven't had the chance to thoroughly go through the quiz to check for myself, and most of the answers are educated guesses.

## Questions

There are a total of 14 Normal questions, and 1 tiebreaker question

### Alright. Question 1

What do you think soulmate would smell like?

1. Froth, Slime and other such assorted substances. **(Phonegingi)**
2. Look, I have no standards. I'll take one that smells like literal garbage, if I gotta. **(Randy)**
3. Warm printer paper. For some reason, I already know I want this. ((**Karen)**
4. Grease. Any kind. I want the next goblin person I marry to focking *OOZE.* **(Oliver)\***
5. Probably not great, since he lives in the forest and likely doesn't bathe. I'll just hang an air freshener from one of his armpits, I guess. **(Bigfoot)**
6. The scent of lard. Maw Maw's brisket. The corn tree. That Big Canyon hole thing. *America.* **(Norm)**
7. Treachery and deceit. I am damaged goods and I need a bitch who'll FINISH. ME. OFF. **(Mayor Mingus)**
8. I don't really want my partner to like smell much of anything, really. Can't I just date someone behind a pane of reinforced glass? **(Jerry)**
9. Peppermint and regret is fine.

### Question 2

What kind of career do you think your soulmate would have?

1. My soulmate would work a steady bureaucratic job for years and then focking *SNAP* at the age of 30. Go apeshit. Y'know, off the grid. **(Karen)**
2. I think my future soulmate would simply take over wherever they end up. Seize everything and then hiss at those who get too close to them, perched atop their heap of stolen riches. **(Mayor Mingus)**
3. The epitome of mediocrity. Likely Getting bitten by lemurs, getting mauled by police training dogs or, like, *working at a really shoddy carnival? Eh, I dunno.* **(Jerry)**
4. I plan for my future partner to be thoroughly unemployed. They can guard my treasure hoard at home whilst I leave to search for more treasure.
5. My soulmate would honestly work a really shitty retail gig. One with a horrible location, terrible hours, and *STILL* adore their job for some reason. **(Oliver)**
6. Sheriff of a small town. He spends all day drawing his gun in the mirror and nobody commits crimes 'cause the locals all like him too much to wanna disappoint him. **(Norm)**
7. Honestly, I think my soulmate would be unfortunate enough to have *TWO* really shitty jobs at once and somehow barely still afford their rent. **(Randy)**
8. I think my future soulmate would be too carefree to 'work' or 'bathe'. Gangrene is just 'a part of life', they'd say. **(Phonegingi)**
9. I don't think my future soulmate would be hired by most companies. Sprinting & motion blur are discouraged in most professional environments. **(Bigfoot)**

### Question 3

What's your ideal dating location?

1. The Woods.
2. I could see my soulmate whispering that they wanna go somewhere "nice 'n' quiet ;)", and then leading me to an empty public toilet and just contently sitting down in a urinal.
3. *Date?!* Who says I wanna go outside at all? I'd rather sit around and let the moss and fungi consume me at *HOME*, thanks.
4. My date would ask to be taken to the Emergency Room, so they can get their horrendous wounds treated and then sheepishly ask if I can pay the ER bill because *"I'm kiiinda waiting on my next paycheck, heh heh..."* **(Randy)**
5. I think if I asked them on a date, my souldmate'd just send me to random places with impossible tasks, so they can plot, scheme and conspire in peace without being bothered by the likes of me. **(Mayor Mingus)**
6. My soulmate would likely take me to wherever they work, just to avail of their (pitiful) employee discount, so they can treat me and still also get to eat that month. **(Jerry)**
7. Somewhere tranquil. A hike in the woods, maybe? My partner would just maul any bears that got too close to us, naturally.
8. Going to the local 50's diner and saluting each of the napkins with JFK's face faintly printed onto them. *Yes, one by one.* **(Norm)**
9. Somewhere squalid, damp. An abandoned warehouse that smells like an armpit or underneath a bridge, maybe. **(Phonegingi)\***

### Question 4

Could you see yourself having kids with your soulmate?

1. I don't think my soulmate could survive being a parent. My kid would (rightfully) devour their sweatier + weaker parent. It's just survival of the fittest. **(Randy)\***
2. I think my soulmate would want many kids. More lil hands to take potshots at Massive Delivery Corporation™'s delivery drones on Teddy Roosevelt's birthday. **(Norm)**
3. I don't think my connection with my soulmate is romantic. It's more like a dude crashing his helicopter in the middle of a jungle and then having a random wild orangutan cradle him tenderly. **(Bigfoot)**
4. I think my soulmate would possess the instinct to devour our children if left alone with them, not unlike a stressed hamster. **(Phonegingi)\***
5. Maybe? My soulmate already has too many strange adoptive dads, so the family tree's gonna look real off if we start spawning in *MORE* of us via mitosis or whatever. **(Oliver)\***
6. Nah, I feel like at least one of the two of us would be tragically infertile and we'd just have a truly excessive number of pets instead. **(Jerry)\***
7. My partner would exclusively refer to any children we've accidentally amassed as 'the expensive meatshields.' **(Mayor Mingus)**
8. I wouldn't trust my soulmate with kids. They'd get so drunk that they'd somehow forget that we even had a kid and leave them on a rusty swing set in a weird pocket dimension. **(Local Hobo)**
9. I guess we could consider adopting. Our kid will end up with a touch of Sailor's Madness from our bizarre and surreal parenting, however.

### Question 5

If a mugger pulled a knife on you while on a date, what would your soulmate do?

1. My soulmate would simply pull out a pistol and take the MUGGER's valuables instead, just to ask him "How's it feel t' have yer valuables robbed, eh? *NOT SO SWELL, IS IT? HUH?!"* **(Norm)**
2. Yeah, my partner'd just hand over their wallet/purse and instruct me to do the same. Our lives are worth more than what's left of our shitty salaries after paying our rent.
3. My soulmate would surrender their valuables without hesitation, instantly piss themselves, then beg for positive reinforcement from you afterwards. (Don't enable this behaviour) **(Randy)**
4. My soulmate would try to talk their way out of the situation, fail a speech check and then get kneed in the ribs.
5. I don't think anyone would be stupid enough to trifle with my soulmate. As the old Chinese proverb goes: 'Bitches get stitches.' **(Mayor Mingus)\***
6. Oh, they'd just sprint off at a breakneck pace. I'd plead with the mugger to understand, the warm embrace of the motion blur is my soulmate's safe haven. **(Bigfoot)**
7. My soulmate would sulkily hand their wallet over with only a mild reluctance. *Oh well. It was all just gonna be spent on bills anyway, I guess...*
8. I think my soulmate'd distract the mugger with a bizarre mind-bending riddle, only to later turn out their pockets, showing that they were empty anyway, making the deception wholly pointless. **(Local Hobo)\***
9. Squirt. This is a high pressure moment and my soulmate's glands would naturally be erupting with fluid right now. It's just biology. **(Phonegingi)**

### Question 6

What do you think your soulmate's favourite food would be?

1. I think my soulmate would like sandwiches and burgers, but be extremely picky about what toppings are included on it. MURDEROUSLY specific.
2. Banana. I think most fruit would be enjoyed, if sliced up into nice chunks. Maybe the odd diced kiwi, just for a treat. **(Bigfoot)**
3. Gravel, exotic elixirs and nectars... Oh! Horse jerky, perhaps. **(Phonegingi)**
4. Steak. If someone asks my soulmate for vegan options at our BBQ, my soulmate'd likely draw some kind of firearm and mutter "The lawn's right there, pardner." **(Norm)**
5. Yeaaah, my soulmate would have a specific favourite food that they basically never get to have. That's just their entire miserable life for ya.
6. My soulmate's diet would kill lesser creatures. I don't think my soulmate would drink water, like, at all. Just soda and alcohol. ONLY fried foods.
7. Microwave dinners. They're never exceptional, sure, but they're technically nourishment. That means a lot. **(Karen)\***
8. I think my soulmate would be content with anything slightly above the quality of dog food. **(Randy)\***
9. My soulmate would eat dog food. **(Local Hobo)**

### Question 7

How do you feel about public displays of affection?

1. My soulmate would definitely get all bashful if I so much as brought up anything "modest 'n' PRIVATE, GOD DAMMIT!!!" in front of even our closest friends. **(Norm)**
2. Who cares if we hold hands in front of strangers? I'm literally covered in my partner's sap already, everyone KNOWS we're an item!
3. I think hand-holding in public is kinda naughty. Consenting adults can hand-hold at home, but if I had my way, people annoyingly in love would just be shot.
4. I would rather not be seen with my soulmate in public. I don't want my peers to see how low my standards have fallen. My soulmate's *BLEEDING OUT*, c'mon! **(Randy)**
5. After a week of conflict, my soulmate would print out a picture of their body with 'okay areas to touch unexpectedly' shaded in red. It only includes the shoulder/back for some reason. **(Jerry)\***
6. I honestly believe that my soulmate wouldn't even notice if I punched them in the back of their head while their back was turned, so this is a non-issue.
7. I think my soulmate would murder me with their hands if I tried to so much as lightly touch them without being STRICTLY instructed to do so. **(Mayor Mingus)**
8. If I were to touch my soulmate without them expecting the sensation, they would scream, flail around for a bit and then sprint aimlessly away from me into the woods. **(Bigfoot)**
9. My soulmate would excitedly knock my tired body around, not unlike how a caffeinated sea lion would.

### Question 8

Could you see your soulmate being religious?

1. I'm sure my soulmate would take part in some bizarre novely religion. They'd, like, worship a massive discarded penguin statue on the edge of town alongside a tight knit group of other freaks. **(Oliver)\***
2. 'Religion is the [nectar] of the masses.' What? *Karl Marx!* You know who I mean... Uhhh, *Hungry Santa!* Remember him? Oh, right. My soulmate is a Marxist, I guess. **(Jerry)\***
3. My soulmate doesn't really believe in God. Reckons it's too much pressure to expect things from himself. **(Local Hobo)**
4. I don't think my soulmate is really capable of understanding the concept of organized religion. *Praying?! Singing HYMNS?! Pah! NOW* is the time for sprinting. *And motion blur.* **(Bigfoot)**
5. Nah, I think my soulmate would be largely uninterested in God. He hasn't done a whole lot lately to earn their respect, has he? Kinda washed up, to be frank.
6. My soulmate lives in constant fear of a butternut squash with a face on it which they believe (rightfully so?) to be the devourer of worlds.
7. I could see my soulmate being super religious, but forcing themselves not to think of the disappointing God they've met in person as the same God who made the planet they're forced to live on. **(Norm)\***
8. My soulmate forced me to get a tattoo of their face and then carved "THOU SHALL WORSHIP NO GODS BUT ME" into the flesh underneath using the tip of a toothpick. **(Mingus)**
9. All I know is that my soulmate's worst fear would be reincarnation. Another go around would be focking DREADFUL. Haven't they seen enough?! **(Randy)\***

### Question 9

Where do you think your soulmate would most ideally want to live?

1. The woods. **(Bigfoot)\***
2. Small farmstead with a few acres of land. If my soulmate can shoot at our mailman without needing a scope, our home's probably not secluded enough for them. **(Norm)\***
3. A modest sized apartment with at least one room full to the *BRIM* with collectibles that you are not allowed to mention in a negative light.
4. My soulmate would thank me for a wonderful night, say *"It's getting late, I'd better get home!"* and then immediately curl up and fall asleep on the sidewalk. **(Local Hobo)\***
5. Tent at the park. Any closer to humans and they'd get hit by a truck, and any further away and they'd starve. The pork-tent is the perfect sweet spot for my barnacle soulmate. **(Phonegingi)**
6. Probably crashing on *MY* couch 'just until they get back on their feet'. That's never gonna happen, is it? *Fuuuck...* **(Randy)\***
7. I think my soulmate has at least three nightmares about meeting mortgage payments per week. There's nothing 'ideal' about their living situation at all.
8. Likely within a monstrous building that's essentially just a giant hollow bust of their own head. I've got a weird kink for truly excessive amounts of hubris. **(Mayor Mingus)**
9. I think my soulmate would sleep in a storm-drain if I was willing to share with them. If there's a mattress thrown in there, bonus.

### Question 10

What do you think your soulmate's dream would be?

1. A magic unicycle that you can ride without needing lessons on how to ride a unicycle first. Just pay for unicycle lessons, you freak. This yearning isn't *NORMAL.* **(Oliver)**
2. The Arrogant Frog from PBS being unceremoniously arrested on live TV for crimes that its evidently guilty of (for whatever reason.) **(Karen)\***
3. My soulmate kicks in their sleep like a dog, so I'm sure my soulmate dreams. About what, I couldn't tell you. Looks like it involves sprinting, though. **(Bigfoot)**
4. If I had to take a guess from my soulmate's diary alone: Mecha George Washington. **(Norm)\***
5. Getting suddenly struck by a meteorite *JUST* before this month's rent is due. **(Randy)**
6. My soulmate would likely refuse to consider the question. They'd say "Well, the LAST time I had a crazy idea, we all ended up in this bizarre focking mess." while gesturing to what's generally around us. **(Local Hobo)**
7. I don't think my soulmate can dream. Requires advanced visualization. Only smart mammals like rats get to dream, as far as I know. **(Phonegingi)\***
8. A lotion or ointment that works for *EVERY* alsation with eczema. Think of the money they'd save if they only had to buy *ONE* ointment for *ALL* of their sick dogs! **(Jerry)**
9. A youthful replica of my soulmate's now senile grandfather that's made of catnip and can only say "I'm proud of you" when it tries to speak to them. **(Mayor Mingus)**

### Question 11

Nobody's perfect. Pick an acceptable defect for your partner to have.

1. It's okay if my soulmate wishes for the cold embrace of death, rather than necessarily just my own. We can be polyamorous in that way. **(Jerry)**
2. Are you implying that my soulmate comes with traits that aren't massive defects?
3. Scathing soulmate defects are like pizza toppings. I will take as many as I'm allowed without having to spent $1-$2 in order to get any extra.
4. I'm okay if my soulmate smells funky and is often covered in some kind of oil, grease or lubricant. I'll never have to buy cooking oil for the frying pan again. **(Oliver)\***
5. I'll soul-bond with what is essentially a gorilla with few extra steps if need be. **(Bigfoot)**
6. I guess I don't mind if my partner is a lil on the jealous side. *Things HAVE been pretty dry since the leprosy diagnosis...* **(Karen)\***
7. If my partner were to shoot someone over a disagreement, I wouldn't be unwilling to potentially assist with burying a body. **(Norm)**
8. My soulmate is without fault. Perfection. If I implied otherwise, they'd put many, *many* cigarettes out on me. **(Mayor Mingus)**
9. If my partner does that thing snakes do where they stealthily approach you while you're sleeping and test if their jaw is large enough for them to swallow you whole, so be it. **(Phonegingi)**

### Question 12

Would you consider taking your soulmate to couples therapy if y'all had issues?

1. Nah, my soulmate and I simply don't get into conflict of any kind. Every time I *TRY* to start an argument and call my soulmate nasty names, they just respond "Thanks, me too." EVERY time. **(Local Hobo)\***
2. It's better for everyone involved (myself, my soulmate, my soulmate's, like, *SIX* weird adoptive dads) if we put a pin in this idea for now. *Please.* **(Oliver)\***
3. Yes, but my soulmate would of *COURSE* need to be disarmed first! They'd easily take noncommittal potshots at the therapist in an attempt to avoid discussing their weird sex nightmares. **(Norm)**
4. I don't want to hear my soulmate explain their weird frog vendetta to another therapist. C'mon, the last six didn't get it, this one won't be any different.
5. Coaxing my soulmate into a therapist's office would be immensely difficult, even *WITH* a sliced apple in my flattened palm to lure them inside before the doors lock. **(Bigfoot)\***
6. My soulmate cannot afford therapy of any kind. as the proverb goes: "God doesn't need you to be happy; God needs you to [BUY OINTMENT FOR YOUR SICK DOGS]." **(Jerry)**
7. Sure, why not? I don't think my soulmate can be REMOTELY fixed, but it'd be pretty funny to watch someone try their darndest.
8. NO therapist who'd willingly let my soulmate enter their place of work (LORD, the odors ALONE!) is qualified to domesticate my soulmate. **(Phonegingi)**
9. If my soulmate has 'issues' with me, no therapist will be able to save me from what's coming next. What I'd more so need is a passport, a few thousand bucks, and a sturdy pair of running shoes. **(Mayor Mingus)\***

### Question 13

Okay, forget therapy. How do you think you'd handle it if things went... south?

1. I'd tell them that it's 'DILF hour' at the local cemetery and then coldly call to get the locks changed the instant they leave.
2. I don't wanna think about this. I really don't wanna go to court over who gets the cat wall-clock that screams at us in bellowing German every midnight. (Neither of us understand it, but we both REALLY want it.)
3. Hey, it's all G. We can just stay together regardless of any strain on our relationship and instead of dumping them, I'll simply remind them how much I resent them every single day, like normal couples do. **(Jerry)**
4. Look, I don't know, but if he tells people afterwards that I 'exiled' him instead of just dumping him, like he did with his last few partners, I'll focking *SCREECH.* **(Norm)**
5. If I tried to dump my soulmate, I reckon they'd just keep responding *"thanks, you too."* and continue following me around with that same vacant smile plastered across their face.
6. If things got real bad, I could drop my soulmate at the pound or maybe the zoo. Whichever is nearest to me when I've decided I've had enough. **(Bigfoot)\***
7. I'd leave without issue. What am I gonna do, sue my soulmate for half a tent?! I'd be lucky to make it out with any clothes left intact (AKA, without holes chewed in them like a man-sized moth'd leave.) **(Phonegingi)\***
8. I'd sprint away from our home at breakneck pace. Eventually, I'll pant vaporized blood and then collapse mid-sprint from a mix of terror, oxygen deprivation and exhaustion. I hope I make it far enough this time. **(Mayor Mingus)\***
9. I genuinely don't think I'll ever find a way to rid myself of my soulmate.

### Question 14

You ask your partner if they'd like to go on a movie date! how do they respond?

1. Well, I'd have to explain to them what a cinema is first, then put my soulmate through the apeman equivalent of guide-dog-training so they don't go berserk when the lights dim. **(Bigfoot)**
2. WAY too excitedly for someone who literally spends each day *WORKING* at the town's only goddamned cinema. **(Oliver)**
3. They'd place their face in their weary palms and groan *"I will never financially recover from this..."* **(Jerry)**
4. My soulmate would inevitably respond: *"WHAT?! Don't I spend ENOUGH time with you each day?! Now you expect me to watch a MOTION PICTURE with you?! When does it END?!"* **(Mayor Mingus)**
5. I don't know if my soulmate can even SEE full motion video like a person, or if it's like, dog rules. We can give it a go, as they generally enjoy spending ninety minute increments in dark places. **(Phonegingi)**
6. Yeah, but they'd insist that we see a Western and periodically scream *'Yeehaw!!!'* and shoot their pistol during the 'best part'. The whole movie is the 'best part'. This will go on for the total runtime of the movie. **(Norm)**
7. They'd ask me if I'm unaware of how badly they do *NOT* wish to hear the sound of like 80 other people around us, all simultaneously chewing, or if I just hate them *THAT* much. **(Karen)**
8. They'd insist we see a PG movie that isn't 'too scary' and then walk out mid-movie anyway, later stating that the dancing CG raccoons on screen were just a touch too malicious looking for their liking. **(Randy)**
9. I'd rather not do that. My soulmate would likely fall asleep and snore loudly not thirty seconds into the movie, only to finally wake up as the credits roll, walk out and remark "Good movie". **(Local Hobo)\***

### Question 15 (Tiebreaker)

Woah, We've got a tie! (You filthy centrist.) Question 15 ought to to fix this mess. Settle this once and for all. Is your soulmate a smoker?

1. My soulmate inhales toxic fumes as a hobby, if that counts. **(Phonegingi)**
2. If my soulmate attempted to smoke a cigarette, their lungs would shrivel up and blacken. Yeah, they'd instantly develop Miner's Lung, despite never stepping foot in a coal mine once in their life. **(Randy)**
3. I'm torn between my soulmate likely finding the smell of cigarettes disgusting and also hating their job so much that they smoke a carton a day. It's one or the other, I'm sure. **(Karen)\***
4. Pretty sure my soulmate smokes the Devil's Lettuce. There's no way they could otherwise enjoy the kinds of movies they do, I swear to god. **(Oliver)**
5. No idea. But, it's amusing to imagine my soulmate emerging from the bushes to bum cigarettes from folks around town. **(Bigfoot)\***
6. What else would my soulmate do alone all day, aside from drinking whiskey and taking potshots at tin cans? **(Norm)**
7. Oh, ONLY whenever they feel like putting a cigarette out on me. So, yeah, about 20 times a day. **(Mayor Mingus)**
8. Definitely. But, only on breaks at work. If the cigarette smoke made their dozen sick dogs any sicker and they had to buy another medication, they'd probably lose their home. **(Jerry)**
9. My soulmate would eat a lit cigarette and remark "Tastes like anarchy.", whatever the fuck THAT means. **(Local Hobo)**