Barney The Movie Darker Cut

So, we all know Barney The Dinosaur right? Right? Oh, don't answer because that was a rhetorical question for it is pretty obvious that we all know who Barney is. Seriously, even my friends at the local Brazilian Restaurant know who Barney is and they don't even own a television. I don't recommend going to their restaurant however as the lamb is often grey and riddled with bacteria, and the staff play smelly show tunes on a violin who hates bugs all the while David The Duke Dickinson blows steam into a red cloth as he claims to be a magician, but that is his own magic trick. Sorry. I'm getting incredibly off topic, now the horrid Barney movie for those of you are not in on the loop was released in 1998, and was about the purple son of a gun and some kids three kids to be precise going on an adventure to find a magical egg and they all go all around the world including a restaurant which houses a waiter who has a thing for Barney and his purple ways, and also a local street parade which happens to be in the middle of a very egg needing music number. The film was incredibly childish and lacked any teeth so much so that most critics didn't even bother attending the premiere which made Barney very sad it did. However, you may not know that the film was originally intended to be a lot darker in the first script draft so dark it's almost a crime. How do I know this? Well some years ago; back when the world was new and no one had to pay for air, I made a rather off colour remark about the Barney movie while at a family BBQ of sorts where the entire neighbourhood was in attendance. One of my neighbours named Mr Spyro yes that's his actual surname please don't make jokes or else I'll send a pigeon to take a shit on your freshly washed car. Believe me, I know a lot of pigeons and a lot of them have friends in politics so you'll have that to worry about too. In any case, Mr Spyro a self confessed Barney fan was a very close friend of my family with my father and he working on the coal fields during the Olive Oil War. Mr Spyro had tried joining the Corleone Family during that time, but was told to go away by Don Corleone and told to come back when he was a little mmm richer. Mr Spyro invited me over to his condo back in the suburbs where he would tell me a little secret regarding the horrid Barney movie.

Needless to say, my interest was spiked especially when Mr Spyro made the bold mention of how the film was going to be a lot darker earlier on. "How much darker?" I had dared to ask. "A lot darker." Mr Spyro said in an oddly serious tone of voice as if by magic ominous music began to accompany him. He departed the scene, and I arrived at his house shortly there after. Sitting down in the sitting room, I declined the glass of scotch pre-war offered to me as Mr Spyro began to tell his story. He had worked as an uncredited producer on the Barney movie, uncredited for the fact he was unceremoniously fired during the production of the film because he butted heads with the filmmakers over the way they were handling Barney. While viewing the film at the premiere, Mr Spyro left in disgust mid film as he cried at the top of his lungs, "look how they massacred my Barney!" The film was a lot more darker in the first draft according to Mr Spyro. First of all, Barney was a lot more reckless and there was a rift between himself and the three kids in the middle half of the movie. Why? Well it's because while dining at a local restaurant, Barney ends up choking on an artichoke because he failed to realise that artichokes are the one and only thing that he can't stand. The kids then felt like they could no longer trust Barney, but Barney always a master manipulator having been classically trained under Walter White himself was able to buy the trust back from the kids by revealing he was sponsored by Nike known as the worst shoe company in the land back in those times. For more minor plot differences, in the first script draft, the parade mascot character who appears to recognise Barney was originally intended to be his love interest. Barney would have invited the mascot to his stand up comedy routine which goes poorly literally no one laughs expect for an incredibly fat man who also laughs when his grandma is mugged out of her seat by the local teenage hoods. The romance plot was dropped, but the mascot character still appears in the movie and Barney appears to act rather sheepish around her as he runs way while laughing as he says, "oh my." Probably ate too many pork rinds.

One of the biggest differences was the character of the grandpa with a thing for Barney who in the final film is a benevolent figure who tries his best to tell Cody that fads will come and go. However, in the first script draft, the grandpa was actually going to be the main antagonist. The film originally included three villains like Spider-Man 3 those being the aforementioned Grandpa, a crooked army general named General Curb and his lover Discount Penguin. Once the grandpa's character was heavily rewritten, those two characters were no longer needed and the conflict instead came from Cody learning to become an ambassador for Barney. Poor kid. In any case, in the first script draft, the grandpa had a devious plot he was planning to steal the egg all for himself and he made a deal with General Curb to use the creature inside the egg as a weapon of mass destruction. The pair were aided in their affairs by Curb's lover Discount Penguin who had a deal with the United States Government that allowed for him to fire missiles at historical landmarks. However, at the end of the film. Discount Penguin and his mutant bulldog would have learned a lesson about materialism and Discount Penguin would have proclaimed that he was insane all along and that we must preserve our historic landmarks. While Discount Penguin would have been established as a villain from the start, the grandpa and Curb would have been twist villains. Initially, Barney thinks that General Curb is his friend, with Curb often hiring Barney and his cohorts BJ and the green dinosaur um... Jamie Fox is what I'll name her from now on to perform shows for the local military. Whenever Barney performed his smelly I Love You song it brought the entire military to tears. Curb's evil nature is foreshadowed however when he tasks Barney with stealing and stripping a luxury car belonging to mob boss Carlo Falcone.

General Curb was able to get Barney and the kids to do the task, by lying that Falcone hated Barney more than anything. Barney did the job successfully, but it turned out that Don Falcone was actually a massive Barney fan quite geeky actually as he brought Barney and co to his bar the Maltese Falcon where he showed off a bunch of his Barney merch which made Barney laugh especially when Falcone revealed he had slapped Barney's face onto every vase, and Carlo got even more nerdy when he went on and on about how Barney's story reminded him of an incident that occurred in season 2 of the Barney saga. This was when Barney would have learned that Curb was a villain, and he would have earned Curb's respect by spreading his love all over him and I don't mean in that way, in any case Curb eventually realises that Barney was right all along and in a rather sad scene he walks down a long hallway as he then decides to hang up his army attire and go to Eastbourne a place which judges people just for having incredibly long fingernails. Hmm I don't think that was quite the wise choice Curby baby. Anyways, the grandpa meanwhile would have only been revealed as a bad guy at the tail end of the film where after the loss of General Curb and Discount Penguin he reveals his plan to Barney. The grandpa proceeded to chase Barney around his farm in a combine harvester though according to Mr Spyro the sharp bits on the harvester would have been removed so as not to scare the children in the audience, and there would have been really smelly music playing in the background. Also, Barney would show no fear during the chase and retained his trademark shit eating grin as he knew that the odds were going to be in his favour like some kind of Aku Aku, and after crashing the harvester inside of the barn the grandpa would have confronted Barney and the kids with a blob of jelly with the grandpa threatening to make Barney the very first gelatine dinosaur. That was when Cody who up to that point in the movie had been a firm hater of Barney announced that he now considered Barney a friend. The grandpa was unable to react as from behind a large group of angry Barney fans appeared including the butler from the restaurant who had no idea that Barney was his fetish and they proceeded to take the grandpa with them for an epic beat down well actually the beat down was just them singing I Love You to the grandpa over 9000 times in a row, so I guess in a way its worse than a beat down isn't it?

The filmmakers were very much against the inclusion of General Curb and Discount Penguin, and they also felt that the grandpa should be a nice character as they didn't want kids in the audience thinking that their gramps was actually a major criminal mastermind. The grandpa's character was heavily rewritten and the villain role was given to a pilot who is so boring I won't even bother mentioning him any further. For more minor changes, according to Mr Spyro, very early on in the film's production Elton John had actually been commissioned to write and record two songs for the soundtrack, however out of fear of people branding him a Barney lover John stepped way or rather danced out of the studio before they even got around to recording his songs. Quite rude of ole Elton too as Lyrick Studios had already paid him a great deal of dosh to record the songs, and Elton never returned the money even after backing out from the project last minute. How rude! The film was also a lot more sombre in the first draft with BJ the yellow dinosaur whose name well let's just say he'll have a fun time at school with the local hoods, was actually given a backstory and it was quite sad too and unlike the grandpa's rampage from earlier it wasn't played for laughs. It was played very seriously. Why so serious Barney? Don't you know you could be due compensation? Not interested? Sorry, a bee landed on my shin and I was trying to distract myself, in any case, BJ would have been revealed to have been born outside of a chippy which was ran by an incredibly angry man who often beat BJ up with a broomstick handle. Not just BJ either as the owner also beat up a man with a Rastafarian haircut. BJ eventually left the chippy where he tried his hand at being a window washer only to get fired by his elderly boss because he didn't know the words to a song that the old man would always sing as he washed the windows. The old man began chasing BJ down the streets with a slipper in hand, but like Donkey running into Shrek BJ ended up running into Barney who protected the yellow walnut whip from the old man who shuttered at the sight of Barney as Barney happened to be the only thing that he feared. Barney and BJ became close friends ever since. As for Jamie Fox, according to the first draft she was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar that much is true, no that was a joke friend in reality Jamie Fox had been friends with Barney for years however her backstory was deemed not important or interesting enough to get into so it was left out from the script. The makers of Barney hated having BJ be hurt like that and they also didn't want him to have such a sad story.

Barney tried to be a bit more educational in the first script draft with him teaching the kids about fevers and how sometimes you feel hot and that's called a fever, and he would have explained this to them after the idiots got themselves trapped inside of a freezer which had rotten meat hanging from the hooks which was sentient and they sang a song about how sometimes it's hard to be a pork chop. How drab. Barney was also more reckless during the restaurant scene which originally had Jamie Fox and BJ accompanying him and the kids to retrieve the egg from the Barney loving restaurant staff. For instance. Barney would have stapled Jamie Fox's ear with a stapler, and he wouldn't have got the stapler out instead he would have acted as if it was Jamie Fox's fault as he would have said and I quote, "oh my you really are a clumsy clums." Barney are you ill? Cody also had a bit more character in this script draft as he owned a suitcase which was given to him by his great grandmother. The suitcase ended up being stolen by General Curb for some reason don't worry about it I think it had something to do with rice pudding, and Cody would have cried because he couldn't find it and it was the first time he showed any emotion in the film and Barney would have helped him calm down by singing a song. "Suitcases are suits which case your cases yes they do." Barney would have sang. Barney, that song fucking sucks. Oh, if only Elton John had helped write those two songs. This was actually going to be the start of Cody warming up to Barney and his annoying ways. Marcella and Abigail meanwhile would have hired a local FBI agent named William Grant to investigate the disappearance of the suitcase. Grant would have interrogated Barney, and was notable for being the only character not to fear or love Barney, in fact he remained impassive and he was quite annoying too like a damn boy scout as he kept making calls to his bosses in the Bureau about how busting Barney could make his career and earn him a place on the top level. If you're relying on Barney to get a promotion, you really need to reassess your life goals Mr Grant. Grant was actually something of a red herring as we would have thought him to be a villain, but in reality he was actually a fan of Barney too and he and Barney would have performed a karaoke dance off. They would have sung a duet of Beauty And The Beast, because I guess Grant also had a thing for Barney and well why wouldn't he.

Disney also just so happened to hate Barney, and they refused the studio the rights to their song and the filmmakers were so mad about this that they completely cut out the William Grant character which is probably a good thing honestly and by extension they also cut out the entire golden suitcase subplot resulting in Cody's new found respect for Barney coming a little out of nowhere. According to Mr Spyro, Edward Norton was actually offered the part, and was actually very interested in doing so and was reportedly very upset when the character was removed. When offered the part, Norton's response had reportedly been, "I would act in Barney The Dinosaur for nothing." It's also been confirmed that very early on, Cody was supposed to learn a lesson about materialism. Also, you know how Barney introduces himself in the film by taking a shower in front of the kids which seems highly suspect now that I say it out loud, but originally Barney was meant to be taking a shower with the grandpa who was unaware that Barney was there as he had his eyes close, yes he seriously couldn't tell that a fucking purple dinosaur was sitting behind him in the shower, but I digress the grandpa would have gotten a nasty scare upon seeing Barney as he then received a phone call from General Curb. Barney would have answered the phone before the grandpa could have gotten to it, and he would have said, "Hello! Ah General Curb yes, he's just here in the shower with me!" Also, originally Cody would have tried to mess with Barney by throwing the egg across the yard which would have made ole Barney cry, and it actually made Cody feel bad yes because for some reason he was a massive nerd in this draft constantly crying and acting like a toddler when things didn't go his way. Cody, what happened to you? What happened to you? "Was there anything else?" I asked after hearing the details from Mr Spyro who lit himself a cigarette as he said that was pretty much it, the only other things removed were incidental scenes and filler moments such as BJ and Jamie Fox blowing bubbles with BJ pointing at the screen and saying in a very threatening way, "but remember to put some newspapers on the floor." Also, the ending was different. After the grandpa is taken away to be sung to by the Barney cult, Cody and Abigail's parents would have finally returned having dropped the trio off at the grandpa's house at the beginning of the movie. The father would have asked what had been going down in the hood, and Cody would have mentioned that he wouldn't believe them but the father then responded by throwing a rugby ball directly at Cody's face. Cody looked at the ball and it had a massive picture of Barney on it and looked bloody horrific as it had been stretched out and it looked like it had been sat on by someone's fat ass presumably the fat man from Barney's stand up show remember him? Well you do now. After looking at the ball, Cody and Abigail looked at their father who smiled ear to ear as he then said, "try me," The film would have ended with a post credit scene where Barney and co talk to the audience at home about you shouldn't fly a plane unless you have a pilot's license, and also Barney would have sung I Love You again and the rest of the cast would have joined him in singing it and the actor playing the father looked very awkward as he wanted to branch out and star in serious dramas, and he had feared that being in this film would typecast him.

After being given all of the deets, I began to make my leave only to be stopped at the door by Mr Spyro who said in the careless whisper of a good friend, "so what does this little chat make you think about Barney?" "I guess it's true what they say society is to blame." I said as I then proceeded to ask what happened after the completion of the first script draft. The filmmakers were disgusted by the first script finding not just too relentlessly dark but also lacking any Barney flare, they also noted that Barney acted far too careless as if he didn't care less ha and also they wanted the villain to be more whacky and less sinister. They also hated how complex the dialogue was with Barney explaining in a rather out of character moment how an appendix works. Mr Spyro protested the changes to the script feeling like the more darker nature would help the film attract a larger audience, but the filmmakers were very cynical and they fired Mr Spyro alongside the rest of the writers of the first script one of them being a very dopey man who liked Skyrim just a bit too much just a bit though and he also owned a fucking bee as a pet. Who the fuck owns a bee as a pet? If you own a bee as a pet, you get my official seal of disapproval. Mr Spyro however didn't seem to be that bothered by being fired as he then said, "I think the film we got is well worth a watch or two, I mean the first script lacked the Barney flare that all Barney stories strive for." "I guess so." I said as I then asked in a very awkward tone of voice, "can I go now?" Mr Spyro shook his head in irritation as he then let out a massive fart which ended up breaking all of the windows in the home, and he looked incredibly shocked as I made my leave all the while groaning heavily as I happen to be a firm hater of farts having never farted once in my entire life. Barney The Dumb Adventure could have been something really sweet, but I guess we'll never know.

I guess that this is as good a time as any to mention that I've been telling y'all this as I've been running down the street looking for something to eat. I've decided to bite the bullet so to speak and eat out at my local Quorn truck even though my home girl Lina did that and got a bad case of salmonella. I was wary of eating at the truck because I knew Quorn's spokesman Mo Farrah would be on the prow, but to my surprise he was not there. I ordered myself some of Mo's favourite that being Quorn mince, and I sat down to tuck into my meal when I heard someone calling my name. I turned around to see none other than Barney The Dinosaur himself! He had been real this entire time! He looked very pleased to see me as he asked, "can we be friends?" Tears swelled up in my eyes as I proclaimed, "you got yourself a deal!" Handbags and Gladrags played on a nearby gramophone as Barney and I sat next each to other. It was time for me to tell him my opinion of the early version of his movie. Oh yeah it's gonna be a good day.