Relationships/Carson and Sasha

i think... we just need a separate page for them. they kept taking over every page they were on. all Carson/Sasha meta goes here, if there's no better place for it.

## General Outline

### First Meeting

Sasha and Carson met by chance in their first year of college. They were both going through a bad period, as Sasha was going through a relapse and Carson was having flare-ups.

One night, Carson and a very drunk Sasha met by chance at a bus stop. Carson, seeing that she was alone and it was very late, helped her get home safely. (that was what we had penciled in, but if obsolete please update) (somehow they became friends...) Carson had very mixed feelings about Sasha at first--nothing negative, but she didn't know what to make of her, which was a feeling Sasha returned. Despite this confusion, but there was something about the other that sparked intrigue. Each of them recognized that the other was like herself, someone who desperately needed and wanted to be loved, but didn't know what to do when someone did love them. (more stuff happened. bottom line: They Grew Close.)

"Sasha was shocked at Carson's blunt, straightforward way of speaking, but she's so spoken that Sasha is often surprised at the certainty behind her words" She quickly develops admiration for Carson. Sasha can sense that there's a lot of fire and determination and will behind Carson's words, and that she doesn't easily stray or become deterred from her objectives. -2017/05/16

### Early Dynamic

They bond over their shared health challenges, Carson with her Crohn's disease and Sasha with her recovery from addiction.

Carson has trouble expressing her feelings in that she has trouble breaking her zen/monotonous expressions. Some interpret this as standoffishness or awkwardness. The second is true, as Carson feels clumsy around people. She was shy when she first met Sasha. but then there’s Sasha who is suddenly so interested in Carson out of nowhere and she’s never met this type of person before, this type of girl who actually gives her the time of day? who is attentive to Carson’s feelings and wants, and not for her illness or her athleticism but the desire for her friendship? it’s WEIRD but a good kind of weird and it makes Carson feel giddy and dopey and she’s usually so on top of keeping up her stoicism but Sasha makes her want to be silly and affectionate and to loosen up and laugh and smile.

### Rom Ants

At some point, Carson gave Sasha a heart-shaped locket, in which Sasha placed a photo of the two of them together. In private she would moon over it, thinking of Carson and becoming giddy. Sasha is never seen without it. That is, until Carson begins dating Lizzie. When Sasha stops wearing the locket, Carson is too afraid to ask her why.

Both Carson and Sasha have strong romantic feelings for each other. Though each strongly suspected that the feelings were mutual, neither had the courage or confidence to confess.

Carson and Sasha felt guilty and ashamed for having feelings for one another. Each was aware that the other was going through a difficult time, due to chronic health problems and adjustment to college life. If there were a possibility that the feelings were unrequited, they feared that confessing would only have added more stress. They didn't want to "ruin" their best friendship, and had thoughts of "why can't I be satisfied being her friend?"

### Present Dynamic

Several years have now passed, and they feel as though the opportunity for a romance has passed. Their feelings linger, even after Carson begins dating Lizzie and Sasha gets together with Blair and Mia.

In the present, they remain the closest relationship in the group, having seen one another at their lowest and remained loyal. When they feel their ugliest, they know they can always call the other.

Their relationship is an understated but powerful one. They are casual in front of other people, but when they're alone, they atmosphere becomes intense. Sasha calls her Mack majority of the time, except for a few rare times when she does call her Carson, mostly when they're together alone and Sasha lets herself be vulnerable for once.
They look out for each other: Carson keeps tabs on Sasha's behavior, looking out for when she might be slipping, while Sasha is perceptive to when Carson isn't feeling well. Sasha likes to joke and gently tease Carson, but when they're alone together, she's the quietest she ever is. Carson gives her a sense of calm that Sasha doesn't get from a lot of people.

Carson often doesn't feel the need to use words with Sasha, who talks a lot about how expressive Carson's eyes are. Sasha, on the other hand, often tries to fill the silence--she can feel the almost palpable intensity of Carson's emotions towards her. It would be stuffy if she didn't know the feelings weren't ardent (what does this mean?).

Carson can come off friendly yet distant at times. At these times, Sasha feels as if Carson is very far away from her, and that scares her a lot. Carson feels similarly about Sasha.

### On Lizzie

As Carson's closest friend and unusually perceptive person, Sasha understands the nature of Carson's feelings towards Lizzie before either party realizes it for themselves. She is an enthusiastic supporter of their relationship and would often tease Carson and encourage her to ask Lizzie out.

When she realizes Carson and Lizzie like each other, Sasha is conflicted.

She is grateful and happy that Lizzie can give Carson the support and love she needs, something that she isn't sure she is able to give to Carson herself. (In contrast, Lizzie doesn't know if she can, but it doesn't stop her from trying, because her love for Carson outweighs her lack of faith in herself.) Sasha feels a sense of loss about the relationship she could have had with Carson, if things had been different. She hides her own disappointment at the thought of Carson having gotten over her old feelings for her.

When Carson comes to Lizzie's fervent defense against the bullying from Sadie's friends, Sasha realizes Carson's feelings for Lizzie runs even deeper than she originally thought.

### Book 2

Eventually, Sasha stops wearing Carson's locket. Carson is too afraid to ask her why. When Sasha begins dating Blair and Mia, Carson believes that Sasha is over her feelings for Carson.

## A Detailed History

### First meeting

#### *Option A: The bus*

"Carson meets a cute drunk girl on the bus." Sasha almost trips trying to climb the bus and while initially Carson has anxiety over Sasha sitting next to her, she finds her oddly endearing,,, Carson just finds it hard not to be endeared by a drunk girl, whom upon sitting next to her, starts cooing about how Carson has "pretty eyes and hair" and Sasha vainly tries to mumble a drunk half-song half-squawking about it. of course Carson panics when Sasha falls asleep on her... and then more so when she realizes she has no idea what stop Sasha is going for???

i'm actually debating on doing that or Carson wakes up Sasha and asks where does she live,, and somehow takes Sasha home,,, i have the latter set for now, where Carson asks for a stop and sort of half-drags half-carries Sasha home,,, thankfully Sasha remembers at least that much, and while her parents are super skeptical about Carson they do thank her,,, of course, Carson lives in another neighborhood and it's a long way back home,,, but she got Sasha home safely.

as for the skepticism regarding Carson, they don't know who she is and she's not Hispanic, she's white. so there's already some underlying mistrust... more so, for some reason she has their drunk daughter with her and the Rodriguezs' issues with Sasha aside, she's still their kid

i could be smarter about it and Carson just digs around in Sasha's purse for her home and calls the most recent contact lol. i'm going for the phone one most of all i think. it gives a convenient way for Carson to help Sasha

(how does Carson unlock her phone? most people keep it locked, right?) this is true orz oh goodness. maybe she just stays with Sasha until she sobers up somehow,,, ah, taking her to the hospital would probably be the easiest and most logical thing to do, now that i think of it. i imagine Carson stays with her in urgent care until Sasha starts sobering up.

as this is a complicated scene, you can see why i've kept changing it lol

#### *Option B: During orientation*

i want it to be a memorial first meeting... but then i wonder if a casual meeting would work fine as well... what i wanted was something emotionally hard hitting vs something more light-hearted and thus could arguably be seen as less emotionally powerful, or at least less emotionally charged

i don't know what i want lol,,, i just want Carson and Sasha to think that the other is beautiful and handsome and gorgeous, specifically in presence and personality rather than outward looks (even tho they /are/ both pretty,,,). i want them to be intrigued initially by each other, to be pulled toward the other somehow, but unable to explain that spark of a feeling,,, and it's just a spark, but the potential to be an explosion is there. all of that "what could have been" and they just honestly love each other so much... even tho they move on, the strength of their love for each other never really fades,,,

they just have such an intimate connection, as friends, as possible lovers, as a love that passed in the night,, they're so supportive and while they love their group of friends and have exposed their vulnerabilities to the others in varying degrees... Carson and Sasha have such an openness to their wounds with each other that's rare for them outside of each other... it's such a raw love they have for each other. it's a lot harder for them to do it with Lizzie, Blair, and Mia... because there's still that fear of rejection pressing down on them and making them more guarded... it takes them more time in those relationships, because while Carson and Sasha love them and feel loved in turn, there's a level of intimidation they feel from their partners that they don't feel with each other. they saw each other at their lowest, and those lows were /incredibly/ low, and they still decided to be there for each other

when they were still learning to be friends is one of the ugliest times they'd had, Carson had a lot of painful flare ups and Sasha kept teetering... and it was ok, they stayed. Sasha had a lot of particularly bad nights for a few months and Carson just happened to walk in on her one of those bad nights, where the itches for drugs were eating away at Sasha... and Carson stayed, because she knew what it was like to be that wanting, and to feel that ugly and to want to escape from her corporeal form, so she stayed. and Sasha learned about Carson's illness not long after and did the same.
<2018/05/24>

### Almost confession

"I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide"
that particular verse,,, where they /almost/ confess their feelings for each other,,,
mostly i had that verse in mind where they both recognize what their feeling...
there's that brief but big moment of "oh no, i know what this feeling finally is" and that the feeling has been there a long time,,,

in full actual confession? no they never do, but they had a sense that the other reciprocated,,,
as for what happened in that almost-confession... well, it almost happened. it just didn't, and the ending in that scenario (tho i still need to edit...) kind of clinches it that the ship just,,, doesn't happen,,,
they don't take that other step,,,

#### Dancing

contentmint: imagining Sasha dancing with everyone is so fun. jazzing it up with Mia, slow dancing with Blair and Lizzie... does she ever dance with Carson? \*o\*
duskcastle: yesss. just by themselves tho, in Carson's room, in the dark. Sasha doesn't like dancing with the lights on with Carson. because with the lights off Sasha tells herself Carson't can't see her cry.
contentmint
what!!!!!!!!!
why is she crying.....
duskcastle: BECAUSE!!!
BEING SO CLOSE TO THE ONE SHE LOVES!!!
TEARS HER APART!!!
contentmint: pls tell me they're happy tears. HAPPY TEARS ONLY!!! tears her apart...... IN A GOOD WAY???
duskcastle: LOL both ;d
depends on if they're together or not xd
contentmint: Cas explain yourself right now!!! god why would they be dancing and not be together?? ;A;
duskcastle: because i'm mean xd
...they will be!!! they have to get thru a lot but they do end up happy together!!
well yes not in the current timeline,,, but in their au they do!!
contentmint: cries harder. don't remind me that it's an AU............

## Behind the scenes & Meta

i had it in my head in the background for the longest time, even though i had Sasha as straight in the beginning, i still had the urge to make her gay. so was Mia being gay, but i also had the anxiety of making my cast largely queer bc cishets.

i loved their dynamic and i was excited at the prospect of making two close friends have an ambiguously romantic history. i really wanted characters like Sasha and Carson, whom are both easygoing in different ways, to have some really dark characteristics deep within, and how they find solace specifically in each other because of that. Carson and Sasha are so deeply tangled up in each other. they're arguably the most loyal to each other within the bunch, tho perhaps not always in a good way. sometimes, or often really, Carson and Sasha put the nerds of the other before their own self care. they’re very Do or Die with each other.

Carson is more easygoing in a really laid back and mellow way, never the type of person to bring conflict or tension in the group, and rarely the source of it. Sasha is easygoing, but she's excitable and social, often the first to lend out a hand in friendship, but high energy about it. the root of their loyalty is largely their love for each other, which stems from having seen each other's darkest parts and not shying away from it.

those empty and quiet moments where Carson is just sitting in the dark, thinking about the pain in the past and the pain to come, and will it ever be over? but Sasha is there for her, to hold her, to tell her she doesn’t have to be strong in front of her. just in those times, in the dark, Carson is allowed to be weak, allowed to let down her armor.

Carson, for all that she deeply loves Lizzie, is still scared to show her their dark parts, she’s still binging on this idea that she has to protect her, but their relationship is new and tentative. she just needs time to realize Lizzie is stronger than she looks, and has a deep desire to help her shoulder her pain.

with Blair and Mia, they haven’t seen Sasha at her lowest. and considering what happened with the last person she fell in love with [Carson]--well, Sasha is a lot more reluctant the next time around... and Blair and Mia are so close, Sasha doesn’t want to intrude on that.

they are never not in pain over each other...

there's just so much tension between them... in the second book there's some key scenes where Sasha brings up that Carson really does love Lizzie a lot and the unsaid is tangible between them... Carson gives Sasha such a regretful look and it's like being stabbed for Sasha...

## Canon Divergent Carson/Sasha (also Sadie/Lizzie) AU

### wow much different

i do have another alternate timeline where Sadie actually reciprocates Lizzie's feelings but that journey is so emotionally difficult for Lizzie in a different way than it is with Carson
it is difficult, largely in part that Lizzie can't turn to Carson in the same way she can in the canon timeline,,, ;;
Sasha is a lil more vulnerable in this timeline too, as is Carson actually
there's a different chain of events that occur that causes these turnarounds!
for one, the almost-confession is an actual confession

yeeeeees. i'd love to see that. ah, maybe you should... write a ficlet exploring this timeline...
...........i /should/
>:DD [enable] [enable] [enableenableenable]
i want to write so many ficlets involving a lot of pre-canon, post-canon, and alternate-canon scenes orz not just for these two ships but other characters in general

#### such fluff

they love each other /so/ much and while they don’t love each other any less in the canon timeline (ow...), in this one they can actually /show/ it to each other. Carson can’t fall asleep anymore without being wrapped up in Sasha’s arms,,, Sasha can’t fall asleep without holding her,,, She loves having Carson’s head tucked under her chin or her face pressed to her chest. or Sasha loves having her chin tucked over Carson’s shoulder or pressed between her shoulderblades,,,
omg lol i don’t think i have that many, but Sasha likes to feel she can protect Carson,,,

### very angst

as for the canon Carson/Sasha timeline, the events are kind of really different, since Lizzie doesn't come to Chicago. she unfortunately stays in Oregon until much later. Carson and Sasha try to date other people after their failed confessions, but they eventually end up confessing after failed relationships. Mia and Blair still end up together, just no ot3, and it takes them longer since Sasha isn't there to push them together (since she's busy agonizing over Carson)

Sasha and Carson are definitely less sure of themselves overall, even if they do end up together. in this way, Lizzie is something of a balm to Carson. Carson and Sasha really really love each other and when they finally get together, the fact that they’re seeing each other at least makes things feel more real, including the possibility of losing each other. a very different love story to Lizzie/Carson, a lot more tense.

as for an upside to the timelime: Carson and Sasha do manage to figure things out, and they just become even more devoted to each other. they also learn to be more open about the parts they don't like of themselves to the rest of their friends. Carson is more open about the days she feels unwell, and she stops feeling like it's some weakness of hers to be sick. not completely, but it's lessened. Sasha slowly stops feeling like she's a failure for being a recovering addict. they eventually learn the same things in the canon timeline

* contentmint: when do they stop feeling so tense?
* duskcastle: i'd need to figure that out more. i don't have as much about this timeline as i would like. too much time spent on the timelines where they DON'T end up together a;lkfjhakflj
* contentmint: they're so angsty, but i think that's why we love them
* duskcastle: yes lol. masochism............
* contentmint: :P it's the depth of their love for each other, and how it endures through everything. my heart hurty...
* so when you say the ot7 ends up happening, how do you mean...
* duskcastle: in our dreams
* contentmint: ow, right in the heart :(((
* ...you can make our dreams come true
	+ (cue Book 3)

## Book 3

surprise. in fact, neither of them is over the other. all is angst???

* duskcastle: i think about such a scene a lot,,, a nighttime kiss scene lit only by a lamppost.....
* contentmint: it seems you imagine them shrouded in darkness a lot.......
* duskcastle: ...........................that is true lol. stealing kisses in the dark, crying and holding each other in the dark, loving whispers in the dark...
* contentmint: in what universe though
* duskcastle: the one timeline where they are canon....?? ;; the almost-confession talk they have at one point goes as usual and it lingers in the back of their minds for the next 2 years where they actually both try dating other people but it never pans out for them until Sasha agonizingly confesses to Carson of how unhappy she is,,, (in this timeline Lizzie doesn't move to Chicago)
* contentmint: i wonder how dating goes for them
* duskcastle: for Carson, poorly... orz she's so bad at it... Sasha, same... but she's better at putting on a mask,,, she's still really cheerful but her exuberance is toned down and she's quieter orz
* contentmint: what happens when Sasha angstily confesses to Carson?
* duskcastle: Sasha fesses up to Carson that she stills like there's something between them and she's tired of ignoring it.
* it takes Carson aback,,, she almost doesn't believe it but Sasha rarely cries so openly, and so hard... it pushes her into confessing too, that she's felt this thing between them for a long time... but she was afraid... afraid of pushing Sasha, afraid of losing her, afraid that Sasha didn't want her...