Valentimes Day

* Crave
* Hulu
* SBS

**Letterkenny: Valentimes Day** is the Valentine's Day special released between Seasons 6 and 7 of *Letterkenny*.

## Synopsis

The Matchmaker returns to Letterkenny to host a speed dating event.

## Plot Summary

The Hicks are having beers around the kitchen table discussing Valentine's Day, although Wayne finds nothing to be happy about the anniversary of the beating and execution of third century Roman bishop Saint Valentine. Daryl wants to know what Wayne's problem with "Valentimes Day" is, which only serves to irritate.

> Let's take a Valen-times out. — Squirrely Dan
>
>

Dan says he enjoys the occasion and handwrites cards to all his pals, something Katy does appreciate about him. He plans to give them out at the speed-dating event at the church later that day, something Daryl and Katy are also excited about—but not Wayne, since it is not a tradition, and falls on a made-up holiday he couldn't care a cat's quiff about, he is out. He will find his happiness at the bottom of a bottle of Puppers. Dary laments Wayne's attitude. "Such poor tining," he adds.

    The church is decked out in red and white decorations, and the townsfolk, also garbed in red, enter and line up at the table. Dan whispers that he is horny. The matchmaker, visibly pregnant, welcomes them and addresses them in babytalk—the event promises "Wuv at first Sit."

> We are all here today to have a little giggle-lee-ler, that might turn into a lil' tickle-lee-ler, and maybe, just maybe, a little diddle-lee-ler. — The Matchmaker
>
>

Dan confesses that he is "no longer hornys."

Daryl asks where the fuck the bar is; the Matchmaker reminds him they are in a church, telling him to mind his language and that there is no alcohol at this event, also seeing as it is 11 in the morning. All gathered boo at this. Katy broadcasts her disappointment that everyone at the event already knows each other very well—half of them were in her grade two class—and she had even worn hair extensions for this. Dax adds that he and Ron are already married, and are just there for a little "run around the bases." Reilly admits that he has the clap, as does Jonesy, as he "took down the same broad." In that light, they would not be taking anybody down tonight—unless, Jonesy adds hopefully, there are any "bug chasers" in the room, something they saw on *Grey's Anatomy*. The Coach feels that his attendance is like being unfaithful to his late wife Barb. Roald is also upset, as he feels he knows what everyone else is thinking: that he should be having three-way with Dax and Ron. The barrage of information overwhelms the Matchmaker.

Over at MoDean's, Glen is tending bar as Wayne takes a seat. He wonders why Wayne is not participating in the Valentine's Day carousing, but before he can answer, Stewart chimes in to say "fuck Valentine's Day." Wayne is surprised to see a Skid drinking a beer instead of doing rips—he figures Stewart has hidden them under the bathroom roll as usual—but agrees. There is no tradition, and therefore no integrity in its celebration. Stewart could not agree more.

> Love comes from a genuine, delicate place, not from the seasonal aisle at the drugstore. Which is a thing I say from time to time. — Stewart
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>

Since they are the only two in the bar, Stewart invites Wayne to have a beer with him, and Wayne accepts the offer, somewhat to Stewart's surprise. "Least likely duo since Judas and JC," Glen mutters.

Back at the church, the Matchmaker—"as a professional"—has noticed that there are more "little boys" than "little girls." Daryl says it will make for a good chance for old pals to catch up. The hockey players see it as a chance to practice their flirt game, though the Matchmaker says the event and her $250 fee is not for them to practice. Gail interjects that she thought she'd dickered her down to $225. Dan calls for the group to start the game, and the Matchmaker, exasperated, says it is not a game. Gail counter-offers at $230 and the Matchmaker says her fee is non-negotiable—unless she has cash.

Stewart and Wayne eye each other at a table, perhaps for the first time ever.

> You know, Uncle Eddie always said if you put two people across a table from each other with pints in between them, they'll find a common ground. Not sure he ever sat across from a Skid, though. — Wayne
>
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Stewart responds that they should just enjoy some quiet commiseration, and each swigs his beer. Stewart asks if Wayne caught the game, and Wayne replies that he has no time for it, and just starts his day with hockeyfights.com every morning. Stewart is surprised to agree; it "injects anarchy into an otherwise bland amalgam of meaningless athletics and post-game platitudes." They get to talking about their favourite fighters in the NHL: Bobby Probert, Bobby Ray, and down the line—and realize they have something to talk about. Wayne orders another round of beers.

    The speed dating group has begun its round robin. Katy is paired first with Ron, in stirrup socks, and they exchange a string of sexual sports double entendres; he is a "switch hitter with a high average from both sides" and Katy asserts he should bring some pals, as she is a "five-tool player." Gail is paired with Daryl, and they riff on each others' names: "Gailbreak," "Dary Spice," and so forth.

Roald and Jonesy eye each other suspiciously across the table, greeting each other as "Luc Robitaille" and "Rami Malek (?)" respectively. Roald begins to talk about being gay and not wasting any more time, but Jonesy interrupts him to say he has never spent much time talking with a gay dude. Roald skeptically asks whether Jonesy wants to spend their time playing "ask a gay dude," but Jonesy, unironically, is all for it. Next to them, the Coach looks upward and talks to his dead wife Barb, saying he is at "rock bottom." Reilly, sitting across from him, clears his throat, and figures they can practice, seeing as how aggressive the Coach can be. Coach disagrees. Undaunted, Reilly opens playing the part of a "super hot rocket"; the Coach is not interested.

>  I don't normally date girls that look like Lyle Lovett and Sheryl Crow had a fuckchild. — Coach
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Reilly takes the Coach's response as a chirp, but has to Google it.

Dax is also wearing baseball socks, which Dan compliments him on, asking whether he ever DH'd, Dax takes this as aggressive, as a DH is someone who will fuck anything. Dan wonders if Dax has a sexual definition for getting to first base on an intentional hit by a pitch, and replies that that is getting Frenched by a gal—but only 'cause she's getting back at her messy drunk boyfriend. Dan throws out a few other baseball scenarios, and Dax is quick to respond.

> Well Dax, I mights never watch a Blue Jays game again without a fully torqued boner. — Dan
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Dan later hands him a baseball-themed Valentine's card.

Dax's husband, meanwhile, is carrying on his own exchange of randy euphemisms with Katy, noting that he's choked on some bat before, but will be able to get some good wood on whatever she is sending. Jonesy's enthusiasm with Roald is matched only by his cluelessness. Roald tells Jonesy he is a power bottom, but ultimately he would be whatever Dax and Ron need him to be.

The Coach, "practicing" with Reilly, tells him how disappointed he is, looking like various unfortunate crossbreeds, causing Reilly to coyly suggest stopping the role-play.

> Let's fuck, all right? I'm ready. Let's fuck, huh? The spawn of Alanis Morrissette and Dave Coulier pre-"You Oughtta Know"? — Coach
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Reilly calls off the round saying "good game," and Coach replies that he just jerked off. The Matchmaker, enraged over the way the first round has proceeded, calls time.

Wayne and Stewart, on the other hand, are still calmly discussing hockey. Stewart says if he could play any position, it would be backup goalie, since he is the ultimate underdog, and also doesn't get his hair wet, and Wayne can respect this. He asks whether Stewart has always been a Skid, and Stewart replies that "early Marilyn Manson left his mark," followed by Rammstein, not to mention Slipknot. Wayne does not know who they are. Stewart stiffens.

> I've been a skid for as long as you hicks have called me one. — Stewart
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Wayne acknowledges that cliques are dumb, especially jocks—finding another area of agreement with Stewart, who says he likes to fuck with them by hitting on them, because they are generally deeply uncomfortable with their own sexuality. Wayne appreciates that Stewart just doesn't give a fuck. Glen, observing how well they are getting along, declares it a sign of the apocalypse.

The second round of speed dating has now paired Katy with Dax; she compliments him on his baseball socks. They engage immediately in baseball-themed wordplay, and he proves himself Katy's equal.

> Our leadoff hitter is great in the one hole, but I'm really looking forward to our whole lineup hitting in the two hole and three hole before the cleanup. — Dax
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Roald has been paired with Ron, who mentions he hasn't seen him since Little League. They too dive into baseball puns, driving each other with equal enthusiasm to equal excitement.

In contrast Jonesy is now up against Daryl, and Reilly with Dan, and they are rather unimpressed with the hockey players' lines. Dan hands Reilly a Valentine's card, and he and Daryl tell their counterparts they hope never to speak again. Reilly opens the card; it has a pair of hockey sticks on the front, and "Let's stick together!" handwritten on the inside, but Reilly misreads it, saying he doesn't get it, to Dan's chagrin. Gail is paired with the Coach, and they get into a conversation about masturbation. She offers her hand to shake, but he pulls back, noting that they have both just jerked off.

Stewart and Wayne are still talking hockey, now naming candidates for "toughest fourth-liner who's smaller in stature"; they rattle off player names, sometimes in agreement, sometimes not. They come to agreement again on following Eric Godard into battle, as the only guy who ever really handed it to Boogaard. Glen calls out to "Brian McGrattan and Shawn Thornton" that it is last call. Wayne invites Stewart to grab a few more elsewhere, and Stewart, suppressing a smile, says "always follow a hick to a second location."

> Don't… don't fucking make this weird. — Wayne
>
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When Wayne rises to pay, Stewart grins openly and calls out "pitter-patter," prompting even Glen to tell him not to try so hard. Wayne orders a few for the road, and tells Glen to bring them with him.

The exasperated Matchmaker, prior to the start of the "final round-el-lee-ler," collects her fee from Gail, and then tells them never to contact her again, as the event was supposed to be about finding "love-a-lee-ler." The group intones together, "you'll never find love if you're looking for it. It's when you're not looking." She wants them to finish the sentence, but they remain silent, and she walks off, swearing, apparently having forgotten her earlier hangups about using profanity in a church.

Katy, sitting across from the Coach, asks whether he would take down Dax or Ron; neither, he replies. She assumes it is because he is straight, but he says he would just rather jerk off. Gail asks Roald what it would take for him to take her, but he remains obsessed about where he stands with Dax and Ron and whether or not they will "take him down." Dax and Ron, for their part, agree they will take him down.

> All warmed up and ready to trot in from the bullpen. — Ron
>
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They stand up and head toward the exit, then pause and call for Roald when he does not follow; he excuses himself from Gail and stumbles off toward them. Katy, seeing this, says at least someone found love when they were looking for it; the Coach says it is a waste of time, while making jerking off motions.

Jonesy and Reilly report that neither has gotten much praccy in, having sat across from dudes all day. Jonesy is pleased to report that he has learned something, however: all butts are gay, but not all gays have butts. They fistbump. Dan tells Daryl it is not easy meeting new gals in a small town, and hands Daryl a card with a beaver. Katy wonders what Wayne has been up to.

Wayne and Stewart are on the ice at the hockey arena, still talking hockey—goaltenders now—and passing and shooting pucks, calling each other "Iafrate" and "MacInnis." Glen remarks that everyone else spend the night looking for love at speed dating, but perhaps these two had found it; you're never gonna find love when you're looking for it. A puck narrowly misses hitting Glen, but he thanks Wayne for the tip, surprising Stewart. Wayne says he tipped 20 percent, and Stewart says he would have tipped the "waitress" 0 percent. Sensing Wayne's objection, he notes that he has been to Australia, then claims to be part Australian. Wayne takes aim to fire a puck directly at Stewart, and an off-screen scream is heard. Glen declares it is time to go.

## Quotes

* Matchmaker: Excuse me sir, with the royal blue language verging on Navy blue—we're in a church for… some flippin' reason… so I am going to need you to keep your language to a Maya blue, at the very least, a powder blue.
Daryl: Powder boo.
Katy: (mockingly) Nyah, cut the crapola, Mr. Wisenheimer.
* Roald: I'm just gonna say what you're all thinking: Roald gets spit-roasted by Dax and Ron. That's the low-hanging fruit, you guys. Dax and Ron London-Bridging ol' Roaldy. I get it, You're all just thinking, "how have those two not double-cowgirled the gay Skid yet? How come they're not in the bathroom right now doggy training him? How come he's not in a doggy deluxe?" What's the holdup?
* Stewart: This Hallmark holiday has enough phony euphoria. I don't need to add to it through my basement bathtub chemistry. Though I could ber persuaded to pop a… Valium-time.
Glen: Long way to go for that joke.
* Wayne: You'll never find love if you go looking for it. It's when you're not looking…
Glen: So you're just gonna let that hang there? You're not gonna finish that thought?
Wayne: Sorry?
Glen: Okay.
* Coach: I'd rather eat pheasant shit on dry toast than do anything with you.
* Dan: I used to DH alls the time back in Little Leagues, on accounts of my power-hitting ability coupled with my perceived lack of runnings abilities.
* Dan: Sorta like how getting to second base is touching a gal's boobies?
Dax: And an inside the park home run is fucking in the bar toilet before the bouncer finds out and kicks you out.
* Coach: You are my type, I mean, what kind of guy doesn't wake up and just hope to meet Maggie Gyllenhaal—only her facve has been smashed in by a city bus, and she's dressed up like a gaylord banker?
* Coach: Oh what's wrong, Howard Stern and Baba-Booey's face mashed together with Jon Bon Jovi's hair?
* Wayne: I think I'd rather have silverfish in my kitchen than hockey players.
* Wayne: You really just don't give a fuck, do you?
Stewart: Hard no.
Wayne: Wondrous.

## Callbacks and Running Gags

* What I appreciate about you (Ain't No Reason to Get Excited)
* Wayne being a poopy-pants about a holiday (St. Perfect's Day)
* Wayne is out (Uncle Eddie's Trust)
* Mmm. Mm-hmm (The City)
* Stewart's insecurity about being a skid among hicks (Great Day for Thunder Bay)

## Cultural References

* The Feast of St. Valentine, established by Pope Gelasius I in AD 296, honors Saint Valentine of Rome, a cleric of unknown rank who was martyred on that day in 269 according to fifth-century martyrologies. The historical record for Valentine of Rome is extremely sparse and unreliable—the Catholic Church removed his feast day in 1969—and there are two other saints associated with the day, one who was bishop of Terni, and another said to have been martyred in Africa, who may or may not have existed or been the same person. Some have suggested that the Christian commemoration was created to preempt the pagan celebration of Lupercalia around the same time of year, but this has been dismissed by more modern research. In England, the day became associated with love in the High Middle Ages due to the belief that birds began to mate in mid-February.
* A *clapper* is a fast slapshot resulting in a goal; this is a play on *the clap*, a nickname for gonorrhea.
* *Bug chaser* (and *gift giver*) are slang terms primarily applied to men who seek to have unprotected sex to spread HIV. It is unknown how many participate in this subculture, but its existence is documented. *Grey's Anatomy* is a long-running medical-themed soap opera on ABC.
* *London Bridging* is a term for a sexual position where two people are inserted into a third; however, the silhouette of such an act does not resemble London Bridge, but a different bridge in London, the Tower Bridge.
* In the Christian Gospel, Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus Christ ("JC") to the Romans, leading to his arrest and execution by crucifixion.
* Reilly's plan to "shuffle some new line combinations" is a play on "line" referring to an opening line indicating a romantic interest and "line" referring to the coordinated group of forwards playing on the ice together during a hockey game.
* NHL players Bob Probert, Rob Ray, Ryan Reaves, Zdeno Chara, Nick Foligno, Jamie Benn
* The Matchmaker calling for "Round One" and the responses of "Fight!" and "Finish him!" are a reference to the fighting video game series *Mortal Kombat*.
* Katy and Ron: "bases" refer to the baseball metaphors for sexual intimacy common in American slang, as defined in numerous different ways. Ron saying he and Dax play shortstop and second baseman is a reference to a baseball play where a runner is caught between first and second base and is run down by those defensemen, often resulting in a double play— "DP" also being a double entendre for "double penetration." A "switch hitter" is a batter who can bat from either the right or the left, whichever is more advantageous against the pitcher, as well as slang for a bisexual person. He says Katy's bust belongs in Cooperstown, a play on "bust" meaning her chest, and a bust meaning a sculpture of someone's upper body, as would be displayed at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. A "five-tool" baseball player is one who excels in five categories of physical performance: speed, throwing, fielding, hitting for average, and hitting for power. A 12-6 curveball is a pitch which breaks vertically downward (hence the name, referring to positions on a clock face). A "heater" is a fastball, thrown with two fingers across the seams. Putting an "E" on the board is scoring an error, as when a player misses a catch and the ball goes between his legs.
* Gail and Daryl: Scary Spice (Mel B), one of the '90s English pop group the Spice Girls ("Dary Spice"); "Hail to the Chief," the ceremonial march played for the U.S. president ("Gail to the Chief"); "A Prairie Home Companion," a live weekly variety show on Minnesota Public Radio created and hosted by Garrison Keillor that aired from 1974 to 2016 "Dary Home Companion"; American folk song "I've been working on the railroad [all the live-long day]" ("the "Gailroad" "all the live-long Dary"); 1996 film *The People vs. Larry Flynt*, which pales in comparison to 1975 film *Monty Python and the Holy Grail*; 1993 film *So I Married an Axe Murderer*; stalemate; Merry Christmas; singer-songwriter Taylor Swift; 1976 Kansas song "Carry on Wayward Son"
* Roald and Jonesy: Roald addresses Jonesy as Luc Robitaille and Craig Janney, after the NHL players; Jonesy greets Roald as Rami Malek, after the actor
* Dan and Dax: Dax calls Dan "Dom Deluise-y," after the actor and comedian
* Coach and Reilly: "Baba Booey" (real name Gary Dell'Abate) is the executive producer of *The Howard Stern Show*.
* Howard Stern gave a speech on April 14, 2018 for the induction of Bon Jovi into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame that hear, but HBO cut about three minutes of the speech. Stern excoriated HBO later on his SiriusXM show.
* Singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette did date actor-comedian Dave Coulier, who has both claimed to be and denied being the ex-boyfriend in "You Oughtta Know," the lead single from Morissett's 1995 album *Jagged Little Pill*.
* Jeff Hackett, Ron Tugnutt, and Peter Ing, Allan Bester, Damian Rhodes, and Tommy Soderstrom were all NHL goaltenders who spent most of their career as backups.
* Colton Orr and Tie Domi were notorious for fighting, as was Wendel Clark, though Clark was not known as an "enforcer" and was a skilled puck handler in his own right.
* In Major League Baseball, Rusty Kuntz and Lenny Dykstra were outfielders; Dick Pole,Doug Fister, and R.J. Dickey were pitchers.
* A "line" in hockey refers to a group of offensive players who play on the ice together in a shift; the fourth line is generally considered to be less-skilled than the three before it, but more aggressive and physical. Stewart and Wayne rattle off a long list of admirable fourth-liners and also declare their hatred of jocks. When Reilly and Jonesy are first introduced, they are fourth-liners for the Letterkenny Shamrocks ("fourth line for life, bro" (Ain't No Reason to Get Excited)).
* Suggestions for "toughest fourth-liner who's smaller in stature": Cam Janssen, Arron Asham, P.J. Stock, Rick Rypien, Derek Dorsett, Chris Neil, Darcy Hordichuk, Marty McSorley, Stu Grimson, Eric Godard
* Eric Godard got into a fight with notorious fighter and enforcer Derek "Boogeyman" Boogaard in 2007, downing him. Brian McGrattan and Shawn Thornton were also enforcers who had a fight in 2007—having previously fought when both were AHL players.
* Stewart's aphorism "always follow a hick to a second location" is an inversion of a line from "Rosemary's Baby," Season 2 Episode 4 of the NBC sitcom *30 Rock*; Jack Donaghy admonishes Liz Lemon, who is terrified after visiting her idol's apartment, to "never follow a hippie to a second location."
* Defenseman Derek Engelland was another NHL player known for fighting and physical play on the ice.
* Hockey players in Wayne and Stewart's last conversation: goaltenders Freddy Brathwaite,Corey Hirsch, Darcy Wakaluk, Robb Stauber, Daren Puppa, and Kay Whitmore; Wayne calls Stewart Al Iafrate and Stewart calls Wayne Al MacInnis.

## Trivia

* This episode was released separately as a holiday special on Crave, but is bundled as the seventh episode of Season 6 on Hulu and as the fourteenth episode of Season 4 on SBS.
* This is only the second time the church has been depicted or even mentioned since Season 1, the other being Dyck's Slip Out in Season 6
* Wayne says he will find happiness at the bottom of a bottle of beer, but in Uncle Eddie's Trust, he says the bottom inch of a beer is 50 percent spit, and is later seen pouring out the dregs rather than drinking them.
* Wayne quotes Uncle Eddie as saying if you seat two people at a table and put pints between them, they'll find common ground. He and Stewart are seated across from each other but are drinking from bottles, not pint glasses.
* Although Canada does not have as extreme a tipping culture as its southern neighbor, it is still expected to tip a restaurant server around 15 percent. Tipping is not expected in restaurants or cafes in Australia, although one may leave 5 to 10 percent for exceptional service. In the UK, restaurants customarily add a service charge of 10 to 15 percent, with no additional tip expected.

## Music

According to Tunefind, the following songs are featured on this episode:

* Lite Spots by Kaytranada (characters make their entrance to the church)
* You Will Always Bring Me Flowers by Shannon & the Clams (speed dating first round)
* Hurtin' Boys by Tommy and the Commies (Wayne and Stewart at MoDean's)
* Heartbreak by Shannon & the Clams (speed dating continues)
* Ozma by Shannon & the Clams
* Throwaway Love by Tommy and the Commies (Wayne and Stewart talk hockey)
* Now I Know Better by Adam Sabla (round 2 of speed dating)
* Windy by Alexander McCabe (end of speed dating)
* Die Young by the Cola Heads (Stewart and Wayne get another beer)
* Fragile by Empty Lungs
* Change Your Life (You Can Do It) by Dan Dacon (end credits)

## Appearances

* Wayne
* Daryl
* Dan
* Katy
* The Matchmaker (Emma Hunter)
* Reilly
* Jonesy
* Roald
* Glen
* Gail
* Dax
* Ron
* Coach
* Stewart

## Locations

* Church
* MoDean's
* Hockey arena

## Gallery

*→ See **17** images from Valentimes Day at **Images from Valentimes Day**.*

## External links

* Valentimes Day, IMDb
* Valentimes Day, The Produce Stand podcast
* Valentime's Day, How Are Ya Now? podcast