Are You Going To Oakwood Furnitureland?

Selling a fine wooden cabinet is a bit like selling a priceless piece of art. It's a work of heart you could say. I will say however that if you ever do somehow find yourself searching around the inter webs for the perfect new kitchen cabinet perhaps it's time you take a step in Oak Furnitureland. Oak Furnitureland is a British based furniture company that not enough people are really talking about. Now prior to reading this doc, you may have been inclined to say that Oak Furnitureland was the ideal place to go to see your home furniture, Oh man are you wrong! You are so incredibly wrong that the people work at Oak Furnitureland laugh at you for how incredibly wrong you truly are. Much like Premier Inn, there is a dark truth hidden behind those wooden floors that I as a level headed member of the country club feel inclined to warn you about. Oh great wabbling waffles! I almost forgot to mention that my name is Captain Kiddie, and I'm filling in today for my dear friend Jonathan Maguire who has fallen sick with a bad cold. Maguire had just gone interviewing some employees of the Oak Furnitureland company, and on the return trip he ended up getting lost in a snowy blizzard where he of course ended up catching a rather nasty cold. I certainly hoped that it was a cold anyway, and not... well you know tuberculous.

Now let me start this off by saying that Oak Furnitureland operates above the law primarily because they have a license to make wood from Old Man Patton himself. Whoever the hell that is. Now the origins behind Oak Furnitureland lie in a man named Master Cherry who used to invite postmen into his home in order to marvel his fancy car. Master Cherry was an investor in the now defunct Madbid website, and after Madbid closed down due to them having like 50 different computer viruses on their website, Master Cherry was forced to light the lamps and not the rat. By that I mean he moved to Greendale where he got a job as a carpenter. Master Cherry also had a healthy interest in puppetry, and made quite a few marionets over the years including ones of Colonel Dodo and Richard Nixon. The reason behind creating a Richard Nixon puppet was because Master Cherry is a member of the gang; the Nixon Five. The Nixon Five are a semi legitimate gang who believe that Richard Nixon never died, and is just camping out in Lake Destiny Idaho. Twice a year sometimes thrice depending on if it's a leap year or not, Master Cherry and the rest of the gang go a small pilgrimage towards Lake Destiny Ohio. Once arriving at Lake Destiny Idaho, Sir Cherry and his friends all fish for clams and then they look through the forest to see if they can spot a wild Richard Nixon. They see no Nixon though they only see Big Foot. Sadly, Big Foot is anyway near as cool as we all believed him to be as he loves 1970's jazz music and he also loves to hump car doors. Hmm... perhaps this could be used to turn Big Foot away from the Triad? Oh! Reader don't be silly! How could you even think to suggest such a thing!?

One chilly afternoon, Master Cherry received a supply of wood from his dear friend and possible lover postman. The postman refused to give me permission to mention his name in the story. Well shit. Anyways, Master Cherry planned on using this new supply of wood to construct the best puppet ever made. The best puppet that Master Cherry can give is himself apparently. Sadly, Cherry learned that the wood was actually live as when he began cutting chunks off from the wood it started to insult Cherry, and laughed at the fact that Cherry's beloved Madbid had ended in such a huge disaster. Master Cherry tried his best to kill the wood by drowning it in his indoor swimming pool, but it was no use. What was a man like Master Cherry going to do? He couldn't have a puppet which would insult him like some kind of stand up comic. He just couldn't have that! Master Cherry sat down on his large smelly green lounge chair as he thought long and hard about what he was going to do with this renegade block of wood. "Oh by Joe I've got it!" Master Cherry proclaimed happily as he rose from his chair clicking his fingers as he did so. Cherry headed on over to his private safe, and opened it. Once the safe was open, Master Cherry pulled out a small blue notepad and began scanning through it. The notepad contained a list of names and a series of numbers. In other words it was just a phonebook, but a special kind of phonebook you see. Master Cherry knew all the rich and powerful people in Greendale. Now, first he dialled Colonel Dodo's number but there was no answer. A darn shame! Master Cherry had planned on selling the wood to Colonel Dodo so that the mighty dodo could throw it on the fire. Dodo preferred using wood for fire over coal as it saved him a lot of pennies. A great many pennies are certainly saved if you keep yourself away from the smelly pennies. Oh pennies they smell so hennie. That's when Master Cherry decided to give his old community college roommate Bootleg Geppetto a ring a ding ding. Banana phone! But again the nagging worry; where was Colonel Dodo?

All Bootleg Geppetto ever wanted was a glass of wine and a crust of bread. Maybe just a crust of bread. He also really wanted a son who would come and ride with the crazed bootleg into the distant shore. So you bet believe that Geppetto took Master Cherry's offer to buy the block of wood. Bootleg Geppetto set to work and made the puppet legs and a head. He also made some arms too in case you were wondering. After three long days of hard work and perseverance, Bootleg Geppetto was eventually able to construct a human sized puppet. "I will make a puppet just for me! It'll run and jump wait and see! Cheer me up when I get old. We'll run around and search for gold!" Bootleg Geppetto sang while dancing around with his puppet son. I don't mean to be rude dearest Geppetto but aren't you already pretty fucking old? Geppetto debated heavily on what name to give the puppet and ultimately decided to name it Pinocchio. Mind you; Bootleg Geppetto received several threatening phone calls from Disney for naming his son after one of the company's most iconic characters, but ole Geppetto could not give two figs I tell ya! Not two figs! Pinocchio's arrival in the house was not received well by Geppetto's inanimate mutant toys who liked to sing and mock Pinocchio for being such a bastard. Pinocchio was indeed such a bastard that the very second after he was conceived he ripped his father's wig clean off from his head. "Hey you little dibble give my wig back!" Bootleg Geppetto cried as he tried to grab the wig from the little bastard's hands. Meanwhile, the mutant toys came in to discipline Pinocchio by singing, "shame on you Pinocchio. Not allowed to mock your Daddio!" Bootleg Geppetto didn't get to make much of a connection with his son as he soon ran out of the house and onto the cold dark snowy streets never to be seen again as he was hanged in the town square by a gorilla judge who has a thing for glasping his hands together and pretending he has indigestion. "No don't run off Pinocchioooooooooooooooooooo!" Bootleg Geppetto cried at the top of his lungs, but it was far too late. Leave him Geppetto he's in chicken town now.

Following Pinocchio's departure, Bootleg Geppetto debated on what to do with his time. He had lost his son after only knowing him for like two seconds, and all the little prick managed to do was nick Geppetto's damn wig clean off from his shiny dome. After placing his wig back onto his head, Geppetto slouched down on an old box as he decided to take a trip to the local scrapyard. Guess ole Geppetto is a proper scarper am I right? Oh despicable me! Arriving at the local scrapyard, Bootleg Geppetto found huge chunks of wood which the local populace of Greendale had thrown away. Bootleg Geppetto grabbed as much wood as he could. However, he quickly came to realise why people had thrown it away. Most of the wood was in very bad condition, and caused Geppetto to get like 2 million splinters just for holding one plank of it. Geppetto had no feeling in his hands which he should probably get checked out, but due to his massive fear of doctors possibly being BBC extras in disguise he decided to boycott going to the hospital entirely. Gathering plank after plank of wood was no small feet, but Geppetto did it especially after he received some help from his old friend Lance Pig. Lance drove an old blue truck which actually belonged to his ex girlfriend who has no skin on her left toe. How incredibly interesting as a sarcastic Viking once said. Lance provided assistance to Bootleg Geppetto by throwing the planks of wood into the back of the truck. The pair then made their way back to Geppetto's house all the while Lance smoked 50 cigarettes. He stuffed the things into his mouth as the entire car filled up in a mess of smelly cigarette smoke. Bootleg Geppetto hated the fact that Lance smoked, but he was quite a hypocritical bastard in hating Lance for this act. As Geppetto was known to smoke a pipe every once and awhile, and by that I mean every Tuesday night. He smoked a pack of Redwoods. His friend in the courts had tried to get Geppetto to switch to Hardbrooke's, but who the fuck smokes a Hardbrooke?

Returning home, Bootleg Geppetto and Lance set to work on getting the planks of wood into the house. Once all the wood was transferred into the house, Lance turned to face Bootleg Geppetto as he asked; "what you want all this stuff for anyhow?" "Oh you'll see! Come the world cup final this afternoon!" Bootleg Geppetto proclaimed happily to which Lance responded with, "yeah but seriously you really need to eat a sandwich." With Lance's help, Geppetto used the planks of wood to begin a rather successful career as a carpenter. He constructed loads of cool things such as wall clocks, kitchen cabinets, and even side boards. So that's of course when Bootleg Geppetto hatched an idea. What if he were to sell these creations? Maybe he could make his own shop and sell his merchandise in exchange for such cash rewards. Can you even imagine the current demand for good side boards? It was settled then. Bootleg Geppetto converted his home into a massive shop where all the locals of Greendale could come and buy some wood. The best kind of wood as a matter of fact. Probably the best wood in all of England you could say. Well the best in Greendale to call it the best in England would be too much of a stretch even for yours truly. The profits made from the sale of the wood enabled Bootleg Geppetto to buy his own super mansion on top of an old hill in Greendale. When the sun hits that hill just right it sings. No seriously; the hill sings as it has an album with Elton John. See it now! Lance meanwhile became Geppetto's partner in the trade, and he became very wealthy in Geppetto's employ. Lance sadly got himself fired when he 'accidentally' killed an old beggar woman by whacking her over the head with a huge plank of wood. The old beggar woman was collecting money for the local café which has no windows, but Lance believed the old woman to be involved in narcotics which is why he had to kill her.

Following Lance's departure, Bootleg Geppetto realised that he needed a name for his shop. But what could he name it? He decided to name the store Geppetto Land and as the months passed ole Bootleg Geppetto became very settled with the new lifestyle he had acquired. Sadly, Bootleg Geppetto's life was upturned when he received a visit from Zeus in a dream. Dream a little dream of Zeus. Zeus picked Bootleg Geppetto up in his big meaty hand as he told the old carpenter that in order to be a true carpenter he must become an obnoxious sell out. "Hmm that doesn't seem right." Bootleg Geppetto said awkwardly as Zeus then went on to say; "you must seek out Bald McCald. He's an estate agent over on Bikini Bottom. Some rival agents have got some rather embarrassing photos of him at a morgue party or something along those margins. He's your ticket to the west coast." Despite Bootleg Geppetto telling Zeus that he had no interest in going to the west coast he was still forcibly evicted from the area by Zeus. "My boy. My little Geppetto." Zeus said as he let out a massive fart which stunk the entire room out and caused Geppetto to wake up from his slumber. Was it really a dream? We'll never know for certain as after waking up, Geppetto bought himself a ticket to Bikini Bottom where he intended to pay this aforementioned Bald McCald a visit. Perhaps ole McCald could be Geppetto's ace in the hole. After all, Bootleg Geppetto was planning on expanding his business across the entire British isles instead of having the company only operate in Greendale. Geppetto was making more than enough money, but there was always the potential to make more as O'Hare always says.

Bald McCald is an estate agent from Bikini Bottom who gained infamous status in Bikini Bottom when he kept giving false restraining orders against hard working men of the cloth. It's widely believed that McCald is not a real estate agent and merely faked his license which he likely received from Vernon Enterprises: a company known for selling counterfeit ID's and I believe that McCald is a frequent visitor. Bald McCald had been trying his hand to get some more serious cases to work on, but he was held back in life by corrupt sons of Magra that being of course the Bikini Bottom Inquirer who managed to obtain photos of McCald at a morgue party. He was just window shopping though I assure you he wasn't actually doing anything at the party. In any case, Bootleg Geppetto arranged a meeting with McCald at his small rundown council house in the bad side of Bikini Bottom. "So what brings you to my humble bumble?" McCald inquired as he put the kettle onto boil as Bootleg Geppetto made himself at home. "Well; you see; the thing is son I'm planning on making my furniture store a nation wide company. I want to expand the operation to all over Great Britain and maybe even into the States depending if things go far enough, and the President allows for us to dig on US soil know what I mean?" Bootleg Geppetto explained to which Bald McCald responded by sticking his finger into his smelly mouth as he said; "I get the picture, but what's in it for me?" Bootleg Geppetto responded by saying, "this." He then proceeded to yank out a regular green dollar bill from his coat pocket and he placed it onto the table. McCald pulled out a teeny tiny microscope from his ass and looked the dollar over. He couldn't believe what he saw! Somehow, Bootleg Geppetto had managed to print a picture of McCald onto the dollar bill. "I'm in!" McCald proclaimed happily as he began rubbing his bald head all over Geppetto's very own bald head thereby signifying that the pair had a deal. If only McCald knew that Bootleg Geppetto had actually gotten the dollar from Vernon Enterprises. Guessing he can play the game of part-time counterfeiters.

Upon returning to Greendale, McCald summoned the aid of fellow estate agents; Combover and Harry. Yes Combover had a really bad name which may have come from the fact that his father had been a hair comb and his mother had been a hawk. The trio of McCald, Combover, and Harry began scheming a scheme to make Geppetto's store an expandable company. Sadly, Geppetto ended up digging his own grave when he signed a contract that Harry presented to him without even making sure to read this. Had Geppetto actually bothered to read the contract; he would have learned that the contract clearly stated in the small print at the bottom of the page that Geppetto was to sign over all rights of the company over to the three estate agents. Geppetto no longer had any control over the trio and any decisions that they made. It was McCald who came with the idea of renaming the store to Oak Furnitureland. He felt that no one is going to be going to Geppetto Land, but everyone is going to be going to Oak Furnitureland. Realistically speaking, there should be a space between the words furniture and land, but Harry was very much against this on account of a dodgy biology exam he took in middle school. To this day, many Redditors have debated on how the biology exam resulted in Harry coming up with the brand new idea and his possible fear of rejection but I think it be better if we just left well enough alone. Of course, Bootleg Geppetto didn't just up and leave right away as he had lots of great plans on how to attract customers, but sadly it was his way of attracting customers that would result in him losing full control of the company. Bootleg Geppetto was already pissed off enough with all the changes that McCald and his cohorts were making to the company. "Oak Furnitureland. Huh! Sounds more like an electric magnetic pulse sensor 9000 1/2 if you ask me!" Bootleg Geppetto remarked as he applied some eye shadow because he was quite the weird man that Bootleg Geppetto I tell you what! Meanwhile, Harry and Combover wanted Geppetto gone but McCald told them to wait and see a few days more in order to see if Bootleg Geppetto would attract some more customers.

In an attempt to attract more customers, Bootleg Geppetto stood in the middle of the crowded streets dancing to the smelliest show tunes that you ever did hear. He danced the night away all the while an incredibly smelly man blew music into a trumpet which smelt so bad that no one could stand anyway near Geppetto without them running the risk of possibly vomiting their guts out. Perhaps even shitting them out. We've all been there. I hope we haven't, and if you have then please go to the doctor. He'll sort you my friend. Anyways, Geppetto danced and danced until he eventually received a firm telling off from Police Commissioner Al Priss. "Dancing in the street is illegal. DIDN'T YA KNOW?" Al Priss had asked that last part in perhaps the most condescending and patronising way I have ever heard in all me days! Al Priss got right up in Geppetto's grill, and Geppetto responded to this by shoving a huge plank of oak wood into Al Priss' mouth. Al Priss chewed on the oak wood for a good half hour as he said, "mm you tell him hon." Since Al Priss is pretty dumb, Bootleg Geppetto almost managed to escape the scene undetected only to then get pinned down onto the ground by an officer who has a story but it's so boring because it's about how he doesn't like stew. The officer believed that Bootleg Geppetto had intended to use the plank of wood to kill Al Priss, but all Bootleg Geppetto really wanted was clarity. Whatever the fuck that means. Bootleg Geppetto was promptly thrown into the back of a patty wagon and was taken downtown for a firm telling off from Big Chungus Judge. "No don't run off Pinocccccccchio!" Bootleg Geppetto cried at the very top of his lungs as both he and the patty wagon disappeared off into the sunset. Sunset Balthazar!

With Bootleg Geppetto landing himself in the big house, the trio of McCald, Harry, and Combover became the new owners of the newly renamed Oakwood Furnitureland. Without that damn Bootleg Geppetto standing in their way, the trio began to make some pretty big changes. Naturally of course some these changes were very important to the company such as expanding the company far and across Great Britain. There was also the tactic of making the company bigger and better by getting proper wood supplies from a local family of woodchucks. How much wood... oh no we're not doing that my friend for we've got saving to do! The act of using proper good wood had brought the trio a great deal of respect. That was perhaps the most fatal flaw with the company during Bootleg Geppetto's time as ruler as he continued to get his supplies from the scrapyard even after Lance Pig departed from his side. Seal it with a fart. Also, contrary to what you maybe thinking, Zeus had no intention on getting Bootleg Geppetto sent to the slammer that be just rumours. There are lots of rumour swirling around town that McCald had paid Zeus a huge sum of bitcoins to help set Bootleg Geppetto up. That never happened. Bootleg Geppetto's failure came from the fact that he had been too foolish. I guess you could probably say he was penny foolish! Wanting the best employees in town, McCald hired incredibly tough and brutish street enforcer and ex chef Jimmy Bakewell. Oh don't you worry about your beautiful head about Bakewell my little duckies as we'll get to him soon enough. It was also while under the trio's control that the company began getting involved in the bizarre world of advertising, but of course with great advertising comes great controversy. Let's go a little deeper.

Despite initially only being hired to serve the company as a security guard, Jimmy Bakewell quickly rose to become the official spokesperson for the entire Oak Furnitureland company and brand as a whole. The adverts featuring Bakewell had an iconic set up with him acting as a mentor of sorts to the up and coming employees of Oakwood Furnitureland who didn't quite know how the company operated as of yet. Sadly, Jimmy often butted heads with one of his eager proteges that being of course Walter Costello the VI. During one particular commercial, Walter Costello asked if the price for a brand new kitchen cabinet was correct. Jimmy looked at the receipt as he said, "ah yes. It's like selling gold for the price for silver." Jimmy joked to which Walter Costello responded by intimidating Bakewell and saying the exact same thing only in a mock pirate voice, "gold for the price of silver." This caused Bakewell to glare a sinister glare at Walter who was pulling a very stupid face as it happened. Walter was heavily built and incredibly strong clearly able to handle himself in a fight. It was very clear that if they hadn't been shooting a commercial, poor ole Walter Costello the VI would have been in big trouble. Also, the commercials for Oak Furnitureland were made all the more worse by the fact they had to have these really smelly pigeons whistling in the background. Of course, Jimmy Bakewell being the sensible one he wanted nothing more than to kill those damn pigeons or in the very least set them on a search for tea leaves in Cumberland Falls. I heard Spider-Man was there. Cue the saucy music. In any case, as more commercials continued to be made Jimmy Bakewell and Walter Costello the VI continued to butt heads constantly. They butted heads so frequently in fact that there was even a small window in time when Costello advertised the company by himself. He still had the smelly pigeons whistling in the background. So we don't need to worry about that do we?

Jimmy Bakewell and Walter Costello's rivalry continued throughout the majority of the company's advertising despite Harry and McCald pleading for the pair to get a long, but they never did. Jimmy belittled Costello constantly for his embarrassing lack of intelligence. This came from the fact that Walter's skull was made from oak wood. Please don't ask how that works cause I really don't know. It likely came as a result of Walter's Great Grandmother Willow. This fact was later lampshaded in an advert when Jimmy Bakewell was testing to see if you could hear the quality of good furniture. After testing his theory out on yet another fucking kitchen cabinet, Bakewell knocked his fist on Walter's head confirming once and for all that his skull was indeed made from oak wood. Jimmy Bakewell's horrible treatment of Walter in their adverts resulted in a Change.Org petition being made which called for Jimmy to be sacked, and for Walter to become the face of Oakwood Furnitureland's bright future. However, the big bosses simply couldn't just fire Bakewell as he was their biggest asset. He was the one who brought bread to the table. The breadwinner of Oak Furnitureland you could say. Jimmy Bakewell's loyalty to Oak Furnitureland was unquestioned and he was said to have even killed an employee of the company just for saying that one of their wardrobes had some splinters sticking out from the side of it. Bakewell's great talent it was said was that he could sell anything that the company wanted him to sell no matter the price tag. He became the heart and soul of the company, and eventually Jimmy started living at the company. It doesn't matter which Oakwood Furnitureland you go to. Jimmy Bakewell will always be there, he'll always be on the case, and he'll always be on your mind. Maybe you didn't love Jimmy Bakewell as often as you should have.

Aside from advertising, Oak Furnitureland also generated controversy on the account of telling huge fibs. Allow me to explain. You see; Oak Furnitureland had a real problem when it came to the fact that they used very cheap underhanded tactics to make their furniture. For example to create rocking chairs, the company would just glue a bunch of wood together and hope it sticks. In their adverts, Jimmy Bakewell would help the company out by lying that there was no veneer used in their products, but my contact revealed to me that most of their products use oak wrap which is a form of veneer. Don't know what veneer is? Well good because neither do I! Its not really a problem per say that the company uses veneer, the problem is more that the company lied that they didn't use such a thing in their products. This act of lying stirred up a great deal of controversy for the company especially after a mouse with a severe nose injury brought this information over to the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham. It was also heavily believed that Harry was using his company as a front for dealing drugs as one old man in Brussels found a pack of heroin stuck underneath his brand new rocking chair. The action of using veneer on products angered Jimmy Bakewell greatly as he and Walter (who starred in the advert btw), had not been warned that the company used veneer in the grand majority of their products. The pair had been led to believe that Oakwood Furnitureland never used veneer in any of their products. After all its like the advert says; "no veneer in ere!"

The Easily Offended Knights had learned about veneer through their contact who just so happens to be a mouse with a severe nose injury. The mouse was a frequent patron to the local Vegan House ran by none other than Gaston. Gaston bought an old wooden chair from Oak Furnitureland and installed the chair in his den so that he would have a place to sit and think and rub his mighty chin knowingly. However as it turns out Gaston is actually seriously allergic to veneer as it was discovered that a form of veneer was used to create the legs of the chair. Gaston's neck swelled up like a balloon and his face turned red. He fell to the floor as he begged for Lefou to get him a crust of bread maybe just a crust of bread. Lefou responded this by proclaiming, "easy peasy!" He then proceeded to shove a massive loaf of wheat bread right into Gaston's mouth. Though this allowed for Gaston to recover from his little allergy episode he ended up losing his temper and began chasing Lefou around the entire Vegan House all the while the other patrons including the aforementioned mouse with the severe nose injury all cheered in admiration for Gaston. No one loves fine furniture like Gaston it would seem. The mouse then made a phone call to the Easily Offended Knights at their offices located in... Nottingham obviously. DUH! It was none other than Lady Birkshire who answered the phone and the mouse simply said; "Lady Birkshire I've had a tip off. They really are using veneer in ere!" What is the goal for that damn mouse I wonder. Maybe getting his nose fixed perhaps?

As good as the mouse's information was. The Knights still wanted more. And so Lady Birkshire enlisted the aid of Sam and Max to spy on Oak Furnitureland. In order to complete this rather complex assignment, the pair went undercover as salesman for the company. Jimmy Bakewell was assigned to show the pair the ropes as it were. While being given a tour of the company, Sam asked, "what's this we're hearing about veneer? Is there really no veneer used in your products?" "Well to tell you the truth son. There is veneer used in our products, but those bastards up top... they think that the public are too stupid to know what veneer is. I mean I don't even know what it is do you?" Jimmy Bakewell asked Sam who responded with, "can't say I do Mister." That evening, Jimmy Bakewell had to go home early due to a bad stomach ache which came as a result of a taco he found in the parking lot. In Bakewell's absence, Sam and Max volunteered to act as temporary security guards for the evening. Once everyone in the store had headed home for the day, Sam and Max set to work on finding information that could help the Knights in their case against Oakwood Furnitureland. The pair headed inside the back office which belonged to the big three; McCald, Harry, and Combover. "Sam... what are we looking for exactly?" Max asked as he used a torch to shine some light on the room. "We're looking for something which can help Lady Birkshire and her friends sue this company for all the Jammy Dodgers it's worth Max." Sam explained confidently as he began cracking a nearby safe. "I got it! I got it!" Max proclaimed at the very top of his lungs as he pried the safe door open with an iron crowbar. Opening the safe up, Max pulled out a small red book and handed it over to Sam. The pair couldn't believe what they saw! Aside from the little red book, inside the vault there was buckets upon buckets of super glue along with several cans of oak cover. This could be the key to Oakwood Furnitureland's undoing! "Hmm let's see what we've got in here." Sam said as he opened up the little red book, and began scanning through it's contents.

The little red book explained everything including the betrayal of Bootleg Geppetto and the veneer controversy. Furthermore, the book revealed the trio of McCald, Harry, and Combover were actually major con artists who had successfully managed to convert Oak Furnitureland into a loan shark company. The trio extorted members of the public by demanding huge amounts of interest for any products that they sold. When people refused to pay off the loan; the company would respond by sending out a hitman to remove the renegade debtor. In order to acquire their money more effectively, Combover hired common street enforcers to act as muscle for the company. The enforcers would beat people in the streets until they paid off the money they owed to Oakwood Furnitureland. Sometimes, the company were so sadistic that they even embezzled money out of people who had never even used the company before. The company never gave any compensation for this kind of insult which quite honestly just breaks my heart. Aside from the fact that the company was pretty much a loan sharking company in disguise, Oak Furnitureland did something... something which made both Sam and Max sick to their stomachs! Oak Furnitureland used slugs to create all of their products. I should probably exchange a few deets shouldn't I? You see; shortly after constructing their first chair, Combover discovered a series of slugs were attached to the planks of wood which they were using. Now these were not your ordinary average house slugs. Quite the contrary as a matter of fact. These slugs were actually super intelligent, and they could speak English. The slugs were also master builders and some of them used to work on construction sites over in Empire Bay for a number of years.

Going against their employees' protests, the trio of McCald, Harry, and Combover decided to manipulate the slugs to their advantage. After gaining the trust of the slugs after providing them with free protein shakes, the trio were given the location of the other slugs and their hangout which was in the London sewers. No alligators were in the sewers only slugs instead. That's when McCald showed just how much of a truly evil bastard he really was. After kidnapping the slugs from their home, the slugs became guinea pigs for the company and were forced to make all of the products. Also, there was no super glue contained inside of those buckets of super glue no my friends it was actually just slime from the little sluggies. Slug slime is incredibly sticky and according to the little red book is very good at sticking large planks of wood together. The slugs hated working for McCald and his associates, but they were forced to corporate under the threat of death or maybe even a fate worse than death. All the slugs really wanted to do was sing really out of date show tunes in the sewers of Kensington; the royal borough up top, but will the bad guys let them do it? In order to make the slugs work twice as fast, Combover started injecting the slugs with steroids so they would make twice as much as furniture as ever before. Of course, Sam and Max gave the little red book over to the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham who reacted to the information about the slugs very accordingly. "What abusing slugs in my territory!" Lady Birkshire cried at the top of her lungs as she began to make a few phone calls. Just a few though nothing too crazy.

With the news of the little red book becoming public knowledge, the Easily Offended Knights took the entire Oakwood Furnitureland company to court. McCald, Harry, and Combover found themselves at the mercy of an unforgiving judge and an even more unforgiving jury. The slugs were all brought onto the witness stand, and they gave information regarding their harsh treatment while working for the company. The slugs and their information put the entire company under very thin ice. McCald issued a public apology in the Sunday Paper, but it was far too late for the public had seen the evil in his heart. Combover and Harry in particular came under very heavy federal investigation, but the pair were able to evade justice by fleeing for Vice City. They were lucky they even managed to get a flight to the city considering they only had three minutes to get to the airport before the Feds got their metaphorical claws into them. Bald McCald meanwhile chose not to flee the country, and being an excellent man of business instead decided to stay in Great Britain. Sorry folks but this apparently can't last as McCald soon got his very own comeuppance when his idiocy resulted in him breaking a brand new kitchen cabinet which was going to be delivered to property magnate and real estate novelist: Toad John. Sorry to say, but Toad John is still rather fat for a toad just saying. Toad John was a frequent customer at Oakwood Furnitureland, and McCald had decided to dispatch his two most loyal subordinates Jimmy Bakewell and Walter Costello The VI to make this particular delivery.

Sadly, the pair ended up breaking the cabinet into a million tiny bite size pieces after they accidentally dropped the bloody thing due to Walter becoming very aroused by the portraits that Toad John had hanging upon his wall. They showed a series of really scary people who stare at you, but when Walter looked back he saw no portraits only windows instead. Oh what a Jiminy Cricket! Despite being more than angry with the pair, Toad John relented once he learned that Walter Costello The VI actually hailed from Kensington. "Kensington? The royal borough up top?" Toad John inquired to which Walter responded with, "yes indeed." "Finally a man of quality!" Toad John proclaimed happily as he decided to show Walter and Bakewell his collection of British memorabilia. However the showing of the British memorabilia was actually a test. You see; in order to avoid getting killed by Toad John and his hired thugs; Walter Costello and Jimmy Bakewell had to view the entire collection without letting a single snicker. Toad John took his British memorabilia very seriously and he couldn't stand the idea of anyone finding his collection funny in any shape or form. Of course, Walter couldn't hold his laugher and ended up laughing his ass off at the novelty Prince Charles nutcracker which doesn't actually crack nuts no it cracks peanuts. There's a big difference! Furious over the fact that Walter would even think to laugh at his collection, Toad John got ready to put a hit out on the pair, but the ole Jimmy Bakewell was a very cunning man as he was able to deflect the blame over to his boss Bald McCald. "What has he got to do with any of this?" Toad John inquired to which Bakewell responded with, "McCald hates you Mr Toad." "Hates me?" Toad John asked in between tears as he placed his hands onto his chest.

Jimmy Bakewell went on to say that Bald McCald hated Toad John and thought he was the smelliest toad that has ever been smelt. He also claimed that McCald had paid himself and Walter to laugh at Toad John's collection in order to insult the mad property magnate and real estate novelist! Toad John believed the lie, and opted to let the pair go free and after the pair departed from the scene, Toad John put a hit out on McCald. Knowing that Toad John would never stop hunting him down as long as he lived in London, McCald finally took the hint and left London for good. He returned home to Bikini Bottom a humbled estate agent and that's just really beautiful in my humble bumble opinion. While back in Bikini Bottom, McCald became heavily involved in the running of the Corleone charities. He is also said to have become part of the Men of the Cloth so charge his doings to him not us! OKAY!? McCald left Oakwood Furnitureland in the control of Jimmy Bakewell and Walter Costello. Jimmy Bakewell never once confided in McCald that he was responsible for Toad John putting a hit out on him, and perhaps it's better that way. Of course, Toad John eventually called off the hit once he learned that McCald had skipped town. I doubt even Harry and Combover knew where he went. That is really weird when you consider the fact that the three bastards had come from the same city together. Don't judge however as ole Harry and Combover ain't too bright ya know? They hadn't studied at Fordham like McCald had done.

Under the control of Jimmy Bakewell and Walter Costello, Oak Furnitureland finally began turning itself around for the better. The company became much more reasonable and listened more to customers and their complaints. Bakewell and Costello also went on to completely boycott McCald's strict no refund policy as they were very dumb and most of the time they didn't even keep the money that people gave them. No instead they just gave the money away which caused McCald to shit himself when he discovered this fact by reading the Bikini Bottom Inquirer. There was nothing he could do about it now though as Oak Furnitureland was no longer his. It was finally McCald's time to learn how it feels to get fucked and that's just really beautiful in my humble bumble opinion. It's like Bootleg Geppetto always said; "what goes around comes around." McCald tried returning to Oak Furnitureland a few times following his self imposed exile to Bikini Bottom, but each and every time he always found himself getting forcibly evicted off the premises by Jimmy Bakewell's security team which mainly consisted of incredibly nervous BBC extras including a fella you may have heard of. Goes by the name of Rabe Maniels. Hmm nope can't say that name rings any bells for me. Wink. Perhaps Bakewell and Walter Costello The VI could bring about the Oak Furnitureland Renaissance and get that company back to where it belongs. The only problem I have with the pair now running the company is that they never bothered to fire those damn pigeons who still sing the most smelly show tunes that you ever did hear and that my friends is truly disgusting. And to be honest with you it breaks my heart, but I shan't let it bother me that much especially since the pair already made so many other grand improvements including lowering the price on all furniture. That's corporate generosity right there that is!

Ladies and gentlemen; it's nice to finally end one of these things on a nice note rather than an anti climatic note. I firmly believe that Jimmy Bakewell and Walter Costello The VI can restore Oak Furnitureland back to it's former glory. Especially, after Bakewell admitted in a press conference in Benning that the company would no longer be using veneer or slugs in any of their products much to the delight of the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham. The pair even went as far as to hire the slugs as company advisors, and the slugs more than happy to oblige as they claim to love the way that Jimmy Bakewell dances to the beat of his own drum whatever that means. Jimmy Bakewell and Walter Costello also managed to finally put aside their rivalry, and they became the best of friends that the world has ever seen. I don't know about you, but me personally I'm always going to be getting my furniture from Oak Furnitureland. Especially now I hear that Bakewell and Costello are planning on making the company worldwide. So if you're in the mood for a brand new kitchen cabinet why not give Oak Furnitureland a try? I guarantee you won't regret it. I'm gonna knock on wood and there's nothing you can do about it!