I Declare a Yoink

## Description

After putting on an admirable show of plot advancement, The Dragon Friends continue finding ways to squander the precious time they have left. Long rests are rolled for, paintings are completed and tickets are booked in this week's episode of Dragon Friends.

## Synopsis

The Dragon Friends have headed over to the reading of the will. Elsebeth thanks Banknote for retrieving the will, and he apologizes that in fact he has burned down her office, then rethinks that perhaps he should have blamed the "baddies" for it. She gives him the key to Hofferman House in order to fetch the history books in his library which Hofferman left to the town (and, as Duke, Banknote is therefore entitled to) Lionshield takes Magritte aside and she confesses that she's not interested in him and gives him her necklace and brooch. She adds that she is returning to Barovia by horse in 2 hours. Banknote gives her a bag of 1000 ball bearings, this being the only thing he's holding.

Bobby meanwhile is speaking with Sergeant Lou Smythe who is discussing the issues with multiple fires in the town and the disappearance of Inspector Boggins. As a semi-Duke, the Sergeant wants Bobby to approve the closure of the case of Constanz Hofferman's murder. Bobby announces that he thought it was Roman and Smiggins who killed him, but Philge then announces that she has worked out the answer (by listening to previous episodes of the podcast). She believes that Constanz was poisoned by lamp oil sent to him by Diametra Hofferman, who abruptly flees the reading. Banknote attempts to tackle her and manages to knock her and himself on the head with a door.

Bobby responds that he's past caring, as the world will end in four days anyway. Baston suggests taking her back to the castle to "put her in the cell with Boggins", causing a shocked Smythe to query why the missing Boggins is in the castle. Baston tries to explain that he's interrogating someone for them, and Smythe points out that Boggins' son has been sent to an orphange. The Friends decide initially to visit the orphanage to meet the son, when LeCroix Pamplemousse calls to them from behind that he has arranged a carriage to return them to Daggerford Castle, where the priests the Friends summoned there earlier have arrived and then left because they were not there, and that they did not sleep the previous night and as such they should return and rest. After some discussion of how they can attend the musical while resting, Baston decides they should return to the castle, release Boggins (prompting a surprised reaction from Smythe to the word "release") and then consider having a drink and freshen up at the Illustrated Man tavern.

When they arrive, a message has arrived for Banknote from the Sanatorium. It reads: "Jebediah Brackenvald regrets to inform you that he cannot attend his Dukeship. He accounts for his failures, as must we all, before the Sleepless Court. The Church Administratum is retaking control of Old Hill Sanatorium. This is an internal Church matter; no comment or response is necessary. - Scarro" Baston decides that Scarro is an evil name, and that he should investigate. Banknote decides to go to bed while Baston takes a short break and goes down to see Boggins.

In the cell, Boggins appears to be going insane. Baston tells Boggins that he will free him if he goes to the Illustrated Man in disguise to stake it out, but Boggins is too distraught to do so. Baston agrees that Boggins can return home, and lets him out, warning him that these is corruption in the city guard. However, while the door is open, Thomas Smedley also leaves the cell and grabs Baston, declaring that "the great work is almost complete". He reveals that he has painted a new picture, showing two very similar men embracing underneath a marbled archway - the Brothers' Gate.

Heading upstairs, Smythe is relieved to see Boggins and is calming him down, and Baston leaves him to return to the watch, and decides to go and tell Philge and Bobby about the painting; however, he forgets the name of the painting and also the fact that the men in the painting were twins, so he takes them down to the cell to look at the painting again. They immediately realize this may refer to Roman and Jovian Hofferman. Roman disappeared after fighting Banknote, while Jovian was returning to Hofferman House and would then teleport to Baldur's Gate. Philge reasons that as the brothers hated each other, it is unlikely that they would hug, and then looks at the painting to see if there is any sign of where the brothers might be meeting. Bobby vaguely recognizes the archway, and she and Bobby notice that one of them is wearing a green jerkin with a reddish stain on it. Reconsidering, Smedley modifiers the painting to show one of the brothers holding a knife, and Baston declares that they need to go to Hofferman House as soon as possible. Bushu-D2 also returns to Hofferman House, searching for Banknote.

Smiggins informs the Friends that Jovian is upstairs collecting his things, and the Friends dash up to meet him. Bobby warns Jovian that there's a risk his life is in danger, and Jovian responds that he already knew that because Roman tried to kill him previously before putting him in the trunk. Bobby asks if there's any curved knife that's significant to the family, and Jovian replies that there is a curved knife in the family museum in the crypt. Jovian takes them to the crypt and opens the museum, but finds that the curved knife is conspicuously missing. Smiggins reports that he wouldn't use a curved knife himself, and that he hasn't seen it since yesterday. Jovian announces that he's already booked his teleportation at the Temple of Mystra, but Philge reports that in order to protect the world he must come with the Friends, and then ties her ankles to Jovian's. Bobby announces they will protect him until he enters the teleportation circle.

## Cast

### Dragon Friends

* Philge
* Bobby Pancakes
* Baston
* Lionshield Banknote

### NPCs

* Elsebeth Truscott
* Sergeant Lou Smythe
* Arian Knossos, coroner
* Inspector Boggins
* Thomas Smedley
* Smiggins

### Places

* Rivershine Hall
* Castle Daggerford
* Hofferman House

## Themes, Tropes and Running Jokes

* A random invocation of the musical Who Is Stealing My Cabbages.

## Trivia

* When recounting the events of "6,000 Uncontrollable Buttholes", the cast accidentally ret-cons the circumstances of Strahd's death. In the original episode, Philge slashes Strahd with the Name Sword of Sergei von Zarovich, breaking his magical invulnerability, and Baston stabs him through the chest with a broken bedpost, killing him. Here, the roles are reversed and Philge is credited with actually stabbing Strahd. This misunderstanding continues and is part of a major plot point at the end of this season.

## Quotes

* "Yes, he (Strahd) voided his bowels, and then he was a bat, and then he voided ten thousand bat buttholes, and then I dragged control of the narrative back from Ben."
* "Is remembering an emotion?"
* "They were given to me by my father. He ate too many ball bearings.. and passed." "How many is too many?" "One."
* "To be honest, it would be hypocritical for Dragon Friends to punish someone for murder."
* "Every day, a gate opens. Every day, Carcosan doom comes closer to the city. And you're going to watch a nine hour amateur musical."

## Table Talk

* "I can 'spend a hit dice'....?" "Oh my god, we've been doing this for 4 years.."
* "One of you fuckers rolls a natural 20, and it's for *sleeping*."