Aristocats Catankerous Version

What do we care about mice? What we do care about meat? Sorry about that, now thing is I am a cat. Don't really know how else to phrase it, but in any case yes indeed I am a cat and I am a member of rather the leader of a gang of alley cats based in the gritty underbelly of New York City. We are the meanest cats in town, and we occupy a band of trash cans which we have claimed ownership of, and whenever an unsuspecting cat comes a looking we chase them out before they even get a chance to eat the fish. Despite being cat, I for one am actually very staunchly vegetarian, and I care deeply for the little fishes. Like most cats, I did use to eat fish, but after a disastrous visit to the Golden Koi I ultimately decided never again. No never again! While waiting for my noodles and ketchup, I made my way into the kitchen to ask what the hold up was only to get stopped by one of the guards a big burly Triad gangster named Conroy Wu. He was incredibly strong, but also very rude as he pointed at me and said to his associates in the Triad; "I don't like this cat!" As I was escorted back into the eating area by Wu, I looked over to the cooking area where I saw one of the chefs putting a fish on a chopping board. As the chef got ready to chop the fish in half, the fish turned out to be sentient and it looked at me as it sang, "fishy fishy." That fish then pulled an incredibly shocked face, as the chef gutted it with a gutter as he then looked at me and shrugged before remarking, "the alive ones cook better!" Since that day, I have never eaten another fish or any living creature for that matter as I can't bare to think about them possibly being treated in such a manner. My new found vegetarianism has earned me scepticism from the rest of my gang most notably my right-hand man and former best friend Monty Redcap who has been trying to usurp me for years, but he had no such luck as I held a lot of power in Kentucky and could call for a lot of help from not just down there but also in Maine. Eddie Redcap was trying to get me in big trouble, and had been putting in arrangements to have me sent to the local vet who pretends to be sweet to the people who visit him, but in secret he is a massive executioner of pets and also has a serious fetish for wrestlers of the Mexican variety. MEXICO! Sorry about that son, anyways, a long time ago Redcap had been my friend. We grew up together drank from the same milk carton and I even taught that young whisk star whip how to catch mice back when we were both poor and content to be so. However, my friendship with Redcap all went a bit flaky after I broke a major rule in the Alley Cat Gang rulebook.

What rule had I broken? Well, the first rule of being in the Alley Cat Gang is that you never talk about the Alley Cat Gang, but the second rule is that for obvious reasons only cats are allowed to join the herd. However, in 2010 I met a man named Prime who was handing out tickets to a nightclub up in Brooklyn, I liked the way the man moved like the crab, and asked if he wanted a place in my salty herd to which he responded with, "I would love to, but surly you have to be a cat as a cat is the only cat that knows where it's at." Upon realising that he liked my favourite film of all time the Aristocats, I took Prime into my arms as I cried, "where have you been all my life!?" "I'll take an even sweeter vowel." Prime said as he dawned his shades and followed me into the streets in order to take his place in the Sun. Also, while on the way to the gang, we stopped off at a Morrisons the first one ever to be opened in America, and we had ourselves a rocket lolly which tasted like water and ass. Boy what a team! Upon licking the lolly, Prime looked at me as he nodded before saying, "it is done." With Prime's help, over the last decade I have began making major steps to turn my gang legitimate such as investing money into the Corleone charities. However, I did still engage in some criminal business as both Prime and I were not entirely above corruption as we controlled a little racket we liked to dub The Countdown Racket in which we would expose the winners of Countdown days before episodes were aired, and we could give this information to anyone that would pay. Prime and I planned on using the funds to made a house built entirely from solid gold, and we would keep a rocket ship out on the front lawn which we could then use to blast off into space in case things ever got too hairy like my cat paws. My shoes! Sadly, my plans to go legitimate and start up my own version of Countdown with my dear Prime ended up going downhill. It all happeend on a warm Spring evening you know the ones. Prime and I sat together on my smelly sofa which had scratches and tears all over it, because I am a cat after all. I need somewhere to sharpen my claws! I have a massive combover, and I started combing it with a comb ha ha as Prime set the TV up in order to catch up on his soaps. He wanted to watch Emmerdale. We got all our channels imported from the United Kingdom as part of a deal we made with our landlord who was a known importer of British goods including the incredibly famous Countdown Teapot that all true Countdown alumni strive for. Prime craved the Countdown Teapot, but will the bad guys let him have it? I doubt it. Sorry Prime.

Suddenly, Emmerdale's theme began to play but it got cut off as Robert De Niro came on screen and he looked proper smelly like smellier than any De Niro I've ever seen. He held his hands up in protest as he bellowed, "oi! You don't want to watch that! The game could change." De Niro then smiled as he sang, "everybody wants to be a cat, because the cat is the only cat that knows where it's at." "What is this Prime!?" I yelled with rage which startled Prime as I then demanded that he change the channel. I guess you could say it was Prime time! Using the remote which was shaped like a nice juicy consonant, Prime tried to change the channel only to have it come straight back to Robert De Niro who said evilly, "don't even bother touching that remote. I am controlling your television, you cannot make your own choice." Suddenly, De Niro's face came on screen even closer this time as he said, "hey don't be sad be glad." He gave me a wink which I smiled at as the telly then cut to show a peacock who was staring at the screen as a man with a heavy Southern accent sang in the background about sometimes a stranger has smarties. Smarty farty. Prime and I looked at one another as the Walt Disney logo came on screen. I was delighted! Prime was too. He was a big fan of Disney and his favourite film from their catalogue was Home On The Range, but I'd keep that one to yourself okay Prime? The opening to Aristocats then began to play, but it was wrong which angered me greatly as Aristocats happened to be not just my favourite Disney film but my favourite film of all time. I got so angry that I ripped my whiskers off which angered Prime to told me to keep a lid on it as we both had an important meeting that evening with a group of investors from Investorville who wanted to invest money into our Countdown scheme. "I'm sorry apologies." I said awkwardly while looking towards the sky not daring to look at Prime directly in the eye like some kind of Winston Chu. What was wrong with the opening titles? Oh fuck why didn't I mention this before? The theme had scenes from the movie but they were wrong in one scene I saw Napoleon and Lafayette walking down the street only for poor ole Lafayette to get hit by a car. I was nearly sick seeing my beautiful Lafayette getting hurt that way, but then the three kittens Toulouse, Marie, and Berlioz were shown getting chased by an officer of the animal rights committee who thought that the cats were very dangerous and that Madam Bonfamile keeping cats in her mansion was a preachment of the animal rights act established in 1974 or something by the don of cats. Also, the filter around the images was not blue like in the final film and was instead red which got my paws itching real bad.

The film then began with my hero Edgar Balthazar riding the cats and Madam Bonfamlie back to their pad in Upper Paris and upon arriving at the mansion Edgar was getting rather sweaty because of the immense heat because Madam Bonfamile's Mansion was sitting right next to The Sun which had shades on. However, that Sun was very evil and would use it's heat to it's advantage in order to make people take off their jackets and it was also known to be rude towards the clouds and refused to let the rain fall upon Paris' streets which in turn has created a massive drought as seen in the film all the plants were dead. In an attempt to cool himself down before the arrival of the wily George Hautecourt, Edgar took off his top hat and placed down on the ground which was when Toulouse pulled a horrid trick on him by chucking up a massive cat ball inside it which caused Edgar to pull an incredibly shocked face as he cried, "oh my!" Edgar shuttered as a brand new scene then played which showcased the reason for Edgar's fear of the cat ball. One year for Christmas, Madam had decided to cancel the yuletide celebrations in favour of throwing cat balls at her staff in an event she liked to dub, "National Cat Ball Day." She even made the holiday a national institution in Paris, and she was able to get the governor of the land to ban Christmas and replace it with Cat Ball Day. Edgar feared the smelly cat balls which were always thrown at him while he was on his way to Notre Dame, and Madam used that fear to her advantage in order to get poor ole Edgar to do anything that she wanted him to. In a way, Madam Bonfamile preys on people's fears so that they become obedient to the protection she promises them. "This is not the film I know!" I sang at the top of my lungs as I tried to change the channel only to be stopped by Prime who held up his hand in protest as he said, "this is the one." After Edgar's cat ball induced flashback ended, he made his way up the steps to the front door of the mansion which now had a mouse hole on the front porch instead of inside the house like it was SUPPOSED to be! Resident mouse the not so great mouse detective Winnie The Mouse real name Roquefort came out from his hole. Oh my lord! What had they done to my dear sweet Roquefort Mouse!? He looked proper nasty. He had a swollen mouth, big glassy eyes, and he had a disgusting belly button and he also picked his nose a lot which disgusted me personally. Roquefort also spoke in a much harsher cruller voice as he pointed at Edgar and asked, "you got my darn squirty cheese boy?"

For some reason, Edgar wasn't at all bothered by the fact that the mouse was talking to him as he reached inside his tux pocket and pulled out a big ole bottle of squirty cheese and threw it at Roquefort. Upon entering the mansion, Edgar briefly mused to himself about possibly putting a mouse trap in front of Roquefort's hole, but he knew that would not be a smart move as ole Roquefort happened to have a lot of friends in politics. Suddenly, George Hautecourt appeared in his car, and he ended up crashing the car into a lamppost as he made his way towards the mansion in slow motion. He was so slow that he was even starting to make Mr Slow angry who showed up on the scene in a bulldozer. He was making a new road which would have loads of bumps and nasty manholes for Edgar to fall into as Madam Bonfamile wanted him to suffer. Poor ole crème delia Edgar! Mr Slow yelled, "get out of the fucking way!" Realising that Hautecourt was putting a serious stop to the flow of traffic, Edgar made his way out onto the streets and ushered Hautecourt towards the foyer of the mansion. Much like in the proper film, Edgar requested that they use the elevator but Hautecourt refused as he began making his old ass up the stairs as he said, "come on Edgar." "Oh no Sir!" Edgar cried in despair as he tried to catch Hautecourt who went flying down the stairs, and he would have hit the bottom had he not of grabbed a hold of Edgar's suspenders and he pulled so hard that he ended up breaking Edgar's back like a Twix chocolate bar. Edgar eventually reached Madam Bonfamile's penthouse suite. Edgar departed from Hautecourt's side as he made his way downstairs to the mansion's masseuse. The masseuse was a proper miserable bastard with a thick German accent, he massaged Edgar's back back into shape as he went on a mega rant about how Edgar was nothing more than a lapdog, and that Edgar if he really tried hard enough could run Paris someday. "You're right!" Edgar proclaimed as he shot up from the massage table only to realise that he sat up too early as he felt the sharp pain in his back again as he pulled a face that you would pull when you get home with a nice cheesy pizza only for that pizza to fall right out from the box on to the floor which is covered in dog shit which is sure to soon be visited by a dandelion that is on the Molinari Family's payroll that wishes to bond with it. Bond with me Jimmy!

Ahem! I combed my hair again as the film skipped past the ballad of George Hautecourt and into the Scales And Arpeggios scene. I only have one very important question. What the fuck is an arpeggio? Actually, tell a lie the Hautecourt scene did play briefly as George was shown getting ready to write up the will to end all wills, but his pen ended up leaking all over the pages creating a huge fucking mess in the process. Poor ole George! Anyways, the Scales And Arpeggios scene began like normal with Toulouse painting a picture of Edgar to the amusement of his kitten brethren Berlioz and Marie who normally treated the wily Toulouse with barely hidden contempt. In a way, Toulouse was kind of a lapdog for the other Aristocats, or rather the lapcat I should say. However, Toulouse's painting was being observed by a visiting artist named Francesco Tater who wore a sweater that was yellow with black stripes like a big ole bumblebee. I shuttered at the sight as Francesco looked at the painting and remarked, "what is this?" He then fainted into the arms of his bodyguard who was a 1930's style gangster. Duchess glared at the evil Tater tot for insulting her son, but decided to make no comment of it as Tater was an old friend of Madam and the two had gone to school together, but these days Madam regularly insulted Tater because there was no way anyone would want to date someone who had a head like a boiled potato, and one who lived in an incredibly cramped studio apartment with a horse and the local high school janitor who pines for Vietnam like an ex lover pines for their old flame. Back to the film, Duchess then demanded that Marie and Berlioz sing their song and they began singing it and the scene played like normal, well that was until the part where Toulouse decided to join in with the Scales And Arpeggios by jumping onto the piano but his fat ass ended up breaking the piano and caused it to fall all the way down to the masseuse's pad. It fell on top of the miserable masseuse killing him instantly which saddened Edgar, but delighted the masseuse's assistant who held his arms up in the air like he just don't care as he proclaimed, "break out!" Back on the top floor, Duchess looked at Toulouse with sadness as she remarked, "oh Toulouse." Hey cool it with the Toulouse bashing will ya Duchess? I mean what's next a washing machine in a car? I began stressing out, and I broke out my pack of Big Break Blue cigarettes and puffed on one like a mad cat. Yes, cats smoke. Prime kept a box of Big Break Blues on his person in case I ever needed a puff during our daily Countdown games, he had tried getting me to switch to Big Break Reds but I claimed they hurt my ass.

Following the Scales And Arpeggios scene, Edgar was shown in the mansion's kitchen cooking up the famed Crème Delia Edgar. It's left unexplained in this bootleg of my favourite film as to how Edgar knew about Madam leaving her fortune to the cats, but it was probably in a deleted scene which probably also included George Hautecourt discussing how his dreams of medical school were ruined because one time he fell into a bathtub full of wine while playing the violin. That must be some story. Some story. Some Hautecourt. Edgar put some sleeping pills into the mixture as he presented the delicacy to the cats who thought nothing of it as they began tucking in which was when Roquefort appeared and he didn't say anything. He walked on over to Berlioz's bowl, and he pressed his hand against it and he looked at the screen while picking his rotten mouse nose, and he just didn't move. WHY DON'T YOU MOVE!? Roquefort thankfully began speaking as he took a sip from the famed Crème Delia Edgar, and much like the cats he ended up passing out from the sleeping pills and he ended up falling asleep inside a mouse trap which ended up decapitating Roquefort in an incredibly brutal way, and I would have felt bad for that but ole Roquefort wasn't dead for long as he managed to put his head back on like it was nothing. Put your head on Roquefort's shoulders. That evening, Edgar took the cats in their basket out to his motorcycle. I paused the film using the remote as I made my way into the kitchen to grab a drink. "Hey Toss, I could really go for a snack." Prime said as I then said in a very awkward tone of voice, "yeah." I made my way over to the kitchen cabinets, and briefly debated on giving Prime some M&M's to bunch on, but quickly ruled out that option as the last time I tried that the M&M was very rude and insulted me for not getting a big bowl. Now that ain't nice! No it most certainly is not! I picked up a packet of custard creams from the cabinet on the ceiling fan, and I ripped open the packet and picked up one of the biscuits. I dropped the biscuit immediately upon seeing what was on there. It was Roquefort Mouse and he was moving like he was a GIF or something. He also spoke to me in biscuit form as he sang, "ch ch changes just gonna have to be a different cat." I ran into the living room and jumped onto the sofa which got dust fricking everywhere which made Prime act really weird as he got up from the sofa and sat on the chair across from me. That may sound rude to the casual observer, but Prime had a fear of dust because it was dust that killed his washing machine dealer back in the 1950's. Yes, Prime was incredibly old but he didn't look a day over 25 thanks to a bath in the bath of Eternal Eternalness.

Snackless, I relegated myself to watching the rest of the film unfold as the dog duo Napoleon and Lafayette were shown chilling in the outlands cooking themselves up a horrid looking BBQ. I mean seriously, Lafayette had burned all the hotdog sausages as Markipiler of all people then showed up dressed in a hazmat suit like Walter White on a hover bike as he yelled, "hey you're way too close to the BBQ!" Markipiler turned out to be the pair's guide as he then pointed towards the other side of the field where Edgar was coming in his motorcycle with the cat basket proudly in the companion's seat. Markipiler then told Napoleon and Lafayette that this was their story, and they needed to finish it as he turned to make his leave on the hoverbike only for Napoleon to ask like some kind of Collie, "will we ever see you again?" "I'll always be with you dear sweet Napoleon." Markipiler responded as using his pink moustache like a helicopter he began flying towards the late evening sky. Oh look there he goes flying through the sky! Edgar proceeded to dance through the fields on his motorcycle only to end up dropping the basket containing the kittens and Duchess onto the side of the river when he noticed that Napoleon and Lafayette were chasing him. Fearing for his safety, Edgar ran but he couldn't get away as he ended up crashing his motorcycle and he round up right in front of the two would be assassins. Now at first, Edgar tried to put the pair in their place by telling them how as a human he outranks them, but they were not listening as the evil Lafayette began giving Edgar a series of nasty bites on the leg which caused it to get massively infected. Edgar knowing that Napoleon and Lafayette could very easily kill him had to think of something and fast. He reached inside his bowtie pocket, and produced two large steaks filled with sleeping pills which Edgar had planned on giving to George Hautecourt so that he could alter the will while Hautecourt slept so that he became the sole beneficiary. The sleeping pills laced steaks caused the two dogs to pass out while Edgar made his escape on what remained of his motorbike. Since Edgar did not have any insurance of the medical variety, he had to go to a private medical office on the streets which was part of the farce street doctor parade a parade which pledged to perform surgery on patients right in the middle of the street much to the shock of the populace of Paris. Most of the doctors hired by the farce group were just two bit chums and street enforcers like Walter Big who happened to be the man treating Edgar.

Walter Big had no medical license, and although he was loved by all in the city of Paris; he was despised by Edgar Balthazar who always felt uncomfortable in Walter's presence as he basically threatened Edgar into paying him money which came straight from the shoe of Edgar's late grandmother Grandmother Edgar who happened to be the one who taught Edgar the secret recipe for the famed Crème Dela Edgar. I shan't let it bother you too much as Grandmother Edgar was a horrible old crone who used to get mad at Edgar when he didn't cook the mixture right and would mock him right in front of his boys. He can't have that! Back at the outback of Paris, Duchess and her kittens were proper scared because they had woken up in the middle of nowhere. and Berlioz was separated from the rest of the gang as he was stuck hiding behind a bush from a frog who was wearing a red parker, and though he had a mighty gibbet he was actually trying to find his way home. Berlioz meowed in fear which scared the frog and caused him to go flying back towards the nearby pond, and he stood atop the water which is when his legs were then knawed off by piranhas. Once Berlioz was reunited with the others, much like in the actual film neither Duchess or the others believe Toulouse's story about Edgar being responsible for their predicament. See what I mean? Poor ole Toulouse! Anyways, the film then cut to show the introduction of Thomas O'Malley who was walking through a rather nasty looking street of Paris and he looked at the screen as he then asked, "who am I are you sure you want to know?" He was looking directly at me almost as if ole Thomas O'Malley was expecting me to answer. Prime stopped me from answering O'Malley's question as he said, "he needs to figure this one out on his own friend." In a brand new scene, it was explained that O'Malley was something of a harasser of local Spanish restaurants which were infamous enough as it for hiring Lionel Richie impersonators who smile sinisterly at you as they beckon you to dance with them in front of the neighbouring Russian mobsters who were sure to be embarrassed. Whatever, the screen then did a really awkward cut to Thomas O'Malley's Alley Cat song as he was finally back where he was supposed to be. Duchess was very charmed by the song, as O'Malley then asked what her deal was and when it was explained to him he offered to take her directly to Paris which was when the kittens made their presence to the incredibly shocked O'Malley.

Marie, Berlioz, and Toulouse were very much big fans of O'Malley and wanted to help him raid the streets of Paris for premium cat biscuits, but Duchess was a massive wet blanket and basically barked at her kids that they needed to get back to Madam because she is incredibly old and might throw herself into the dustbin if her cats are not around to wipe away her fears. "But Momma I am a thirsty." Marie said which caused Duchess to say in an incredibly tone of voice, "okay." That sounded incredibly out of character for Duchess if I may say so myself. Wanting to get back in Duchess' good graces, O'Malley suggested that the group follow him to a nearby café which sold milkshakes to cat as cats happened to be their number one customers. "Isn't that a bit risky?" Duchess asked but O'Malley was able to quell her concerns by mentioning off hand or rather off paw I should say that he is an old friend of the owner a man by the name of Captain Frosty Mug who used as a waiter for O'Malley's owner who happened to be an old lady much like Madam. Only O'Malley's owner was proper evil as along with O'Malley she also owned an alligator as a pet which she kept in a massive tank, but one day the alligator got loose and it chased O'Malley through the streets but he thankfully managed to escape and it was this incident that led to him developing a distrust of all humans. And as for O'Malley's original owner? She got hit by a car. I never said what happened to her would be funny now did I? At the café Milks And Stuff which was shaped like a massive glass of milkshake, O'Malley and the upper cats made their way up towards the front desk with Duchess having refused a booth. The bar was surrounded in shadows as Captain Frosty Mug finally made his presence known. O'Malley the Alley Cat remained very impassive and miserable as he asked for five large glasses of vanilla milkshake. "You've tried the rest now try the best!" Captain Frosty Mug proclaimed happily as he made his way on over to the milkshake maker. The kittens stifled their laughter because ole Frosty had a cherry stuck to his ass but don't judge as that happens to be his thing, and their laughing not only caused Duchess to glare at them but also caused ole Frosty to get proper nervous as he had not been behind the milkshake machine since 2012 back when the world made sense and back when milkshakes were seen as more than just a beverage to cool you down on a hot summers day.

Captain Frosty Mug ended up causing the machine to overheat as the entire place ended up exploding in a massive flood of milkshake but thankfully as if by magic our heroes managed to survive as did Captain Frosty Mug, but he was so embarrassed by what had happened that he could no longer look in the cats in the eye as he wondered off into the highway and began thumbing for a lift. A truck carrying several large barrels of toxic waste past him by and it was being driven by the most judgemental pig that you ever did see, but Frosty Mug had no time to care as he hitched a ride. Back in Uptown Paris, Edgar awoke early to feed Frou-Frou and he was very chipper as he entered the barn as he grabbed the stead by her nose as he then asked in the careless whisper of a good friend, "can you keep a secret? Oh of course you can." Edgar basically began bragging about how he was successful in catnapping Madam's pets which meant that the entire fortune would be going straight to him however that's when he noticed that Madam Bonafamile was talking to someone outside the stables. Like some kind of Tim The Ostler, Edgar began peering through the barn's window display where he saw Madam talking to a man in a detective outfit. Edgar approached the detective and was wagging his finger about like a parent about to tell off their kid as he was under the misguided impression that the man was a con artist and was trying to con Madam into buying a brand new carpet which was sure to be rolled by the most incompetent carpet rollers this side of Paris. "Now see here you ruffian! Why I oughta..." Edgar was cut off when the man began shaking his hand as he then introduced himself with, "Special Detective Sam Bramsberry! Sam to my friend on spread to my enemies, and I have to say Mr Balthazar meeting you face to face is a real treat! I've heard a lot about you." After Bramsberry said that last part, Edgar smiled an incredibly weird looking smile which was probably from the horrid smell since they standing right next to a horse stable after all. Madam was sipping on a cup of Tetley Tea as she said, "I hired this splendid young man to look into the disappearance of my cats." "Do not fear Madam I am on the case, I've already got my sources they're telling me that there was a lot of commotion down on the old fields a few ways out from here." Bramsberry explained. Edgar then realised that Bramsberry could very easily bring him to justice as during the commotion with Napoleon and Laffyete he accidentally left behind his bowler hat, umbrella, as well as part of the motorcycle that he had used to dump the kittens. You need to be more careful Edgar much more careful. Edgar then decided that evening he was going to have to try and get his things back by any means necessary. Indeed, Bramsberry was very serious about solving the case as he had promised Madam that he would give up smoking if he was able to break the case, and maybe possibly reveal to the world at last that he was wearing a wig, but you didn't hear that from me okay?

The film then cut to show Thomas O'Malley and the kittens were now on a milk truck heading towards Paris which was being driven by an incredibly angry driver who upon realising that the cats were stowing away he got proper cross, and began chasing them with a two by four as he yelled, "you mangy moggies!" According to Prime who was dancing with fine ha sorry, the man had a cousin who was brainwashed by cats to join their milkman mafia which was a fleet of milkmen whose soul job was to sell milk to the cats. At one point in time, the man's cousin had worked for the Incredible Hulk of all people, but he got fired when he insulted Hulky for when he once caused an entire bunkbed to topple over likely because of his weight. Oh what a green lima bean that Hulk really is! Also, the man was much more crueller than he was already in the final film as he was able to cruelly cut off the tail of Thomas O'Malley who held the dismembered tail up in pain as he cried, "oh dear!" I began tearing up I mean seriously how could I not? Seeing my sweet Thomas O'Malley getting hurt that way. The film then did an abrupt cut to the scene where Duchess, the kittens, and O'Malley were walking across the train tracks as if they were some chickens. However, according to my intel chickens are becoming more intelligent and are now wise to the tricks of the wily train tracks. Toulouse and co were pretending to be a train as normal, and as normal that's when a real train showed up on the scene but it had a bunch of Ballas sitting on top of it and they looked proper cross as they tried to shoot O'Malley with their handy dandy AK 47's. The cats ducked underneath the tracks, and when O'Malley peaked up from under the cover in order to see if everything was cool he saw two men riding on a motorcycle chasing after the train. One man was on the thin side while the other man was overweight with a loud voice and an even louder outfit. "Roll up on em CJ! The overweight man yelled at the top of his lungs, but that was when CJ ended up crashing the motorcycle over the side of the track and into the river below which looked rotten and like someone had being using it for their toilet for quite some time. Down in the river, the fat man struggled to grab onto a branch as he cried, "all we had to do was follow the damn train CJ!" Now that was when Marie fell into the river, and O'Malley had to go rescue her because he was a gentlemen or rather a gentlecat. The very first gentlecat. "I'm coming Marie just hang on!" O'Malley bellowed as he jumped right into the river, but he did a pretty terrible job at it because once he got little Marie onto the riverbank he ended up sinking to the depths below or well he would have done had he not of been spotted by the dynamic goose duo that I sometimes see in my dreams.

I'm of course referring to Abigail and her sister Amelia the dynamic goose duo, whom O'Malley insults for possibly being swans which makes Duchess proper angry because she hates swans as it was a swan that ate Mr Duchess back in the Summer to end all Summers back when hot pot recipes were being torn up left and right and back when there were trees everywhere and no one had to pay for air! After a long ass chat about the rise in price for raw shrimp and prawns in a Paris café which is very evil and purposely makes you order the worst thing on the menu, Abigail and Amelia agreed to escort the upper cats and O'Malley into Paris which is when the think goose scene played. Basically, in order to follow Abigail and Amelie the cats had to first walk like the goose, and they began walking down the country road take me home, but sadly the scene was very wrong and it was slow in the motion, and when the gang finally reached Paris they were confronted by Uncle Waldo the goose who lets the drink get to his head as he then began dancing in the street singing about all he wants is a place to hang his hat. "I NEED SOMEONE TO HOLD ME LIKE A FLEEZE!" Uncle Waldo bellowed which was when a nearby shop opened up it's doors to reveal a very pissed off shop owner who yelled, "clear off my property you old goose bastard!" Seeing their dear Uncle Waldo getting bullied like that, really seemed to rattle the feathers of ole Abigail and Amelia who using an old skipping rope tied it around the shop owner's legs and caused him to fall backward onto the cold hard smelly gum ridden pavement breaking his back and restoring harmony back into the universe or in the very least harmony back into the streets of Paris. Uncle Waldo then proceeded to invite the crew to dinner at his favourite restaurant Veggie Isles which was the only vegetarian place to eat in Paris at the time. Sitting down in the restaurant which had an outside that was shaped like a carrot, while the interior was shaped like an interior crocodile alligator we all know what that means, and the food was nothing but vegetables even vegetables grounded up into mugs which was referred to by the waitress who was a real country hick as a mudka special. What the fuck is a mudka special!? I already have enough trouble trying to figure out what an arpeggio is, I don't need you adding to the list love! Anyways, Uncle Waldo introduced the cats to everyone in the restaurant including the owner Veggie Guru who wasn't really the owner he was just a tour guide having lost the place in a cards game against his friend from the olive oil business Benny. Veggie Guru kept pestering the cats as they ate their tomato and leak soup by taking pictures of them on his 1930's style camera. Sensing the cats' uncomfortableness towards the situation, Uncle Waldo tried to remedy the things by asking the green man with the mighty ginger stache, "oh Veggie Guru what makes you grow? Was it Duchess or O'Malley I need to know!" "I don't know." Veggie Guru said in a rather nasty tone of voice proving that he was not quite as benevolent as we initially believed him to be. Indeed, ole Veggie Guru was quite horrible as whenever someone broke into the premises he would punish them by making a tree grow in their stomach as they slept and in the morning they would choke as a big ole tree came out from their ass. It was said of you oh mighty Veggie Guru that you would bring balance to the vegetables, not leave it in darkness!

Still, the Veggie Guru was at least somewhat accommodating as he welcomed the cats and the geese into the backroom where they saw the manager and true owner Benny and his gang of Triad enforcers. Benny was however outraged by their appearance as he then yelled, "you should not be back here!" What goes on in hat backroom Benny? An inside job? Cue the saucy music. The gang were then thrown out from Veggie Isles via the back exit by a big burly security guard who loves talking about going around the backside which makes O'Malley laugh like a seal bewildering Uncle Waldo who asked, "ay what you laughing about sonny jim?" Ah! The geese then departed the scene in order to take Uncle Waldo to see a show up in Canterbury, or so they say as in reality they were going to hand Waldo over to his nephew who was going to teach the old bastard a lesson or two. Back to the Edgar Balthazar Show, Edgar arrived in the rotten countryside once again and found that a group of flies were hovering around a big pile of manure. They beckoned for Edgar to join them, with one of the flies coming out from the plie as it gestured for Edgar to join all the while yelling, "come on join in!" Edgar ignored it as he made his way into the deepest part of the countryside where he saw that Napoleon and Lafayette were very much awake and were on the hunt having been tipped off by their informant about General Asquith sending men in search of pink custard makers after a kettle exploded up at the old barn which was abandoned. Wanna hear the story of the abandoned barn? Well there is no story because it was abandoned. Ha ha! Thinking quickly like all butlers should, Edgar spotted on the other side of the barn there was an old rundown bus and a bus driver's uniform lying in the trash cans beside it. Smiling deviously, Edgar made his way on over to the trash cans and dawned the uniform as he made his way onto the bus and was delighted when he saw that Napoleon and Lafayette had used the bus to store all of Edgar's personal belongings on there as they had decided to make the bus their brand new home turf. Prime and I were both immensley disappointed that we would not be getting the iconic Napoleon scratch in a half shell scene, but I secretly didn't mind as I always found that Napoleon looked rather odd in that scene. Far too odd for my liking anyway! Anyways, the bus despite being full of more sawdust and mould than anything I ever seen in my life was able to work just fine, and Edgar started the engine up but was then confronted by the two dog goons who demanded to know where the butler was headed. "I must go I must go!" Edgar cried as he slammed his rotting shoe down on the pedal, and the shoe had a hole which meant that his toe was sticking out from it which could lead to a nasty infection if he was not careful. I know Edgar however, and one thing he definitely is careful. Edgar began speeding down the roads on the bus which was property of the Luxton Bus Company, and the two idiots looked on bewildered as Napoleon said, "it's a big ole cricket bug." Napoleon, you've changed you're the not Napoleon that I knew and loved.

Getting dog tired was the best way to describe the current state of the kittens which was when O'Malley like some kind of Pumbaa said that they really need a rest stop and they spotted a local rundown house which was where O'Malley used to hang out back when he was living dangerously but was then loud jazz music came blasting out from the house's ceiling fans which was a result of Scat Cat and his band of Alley Cats. As if by magic, the film then cut to show O'Malley inside the house with the upper cats and Scat Cat lent out his paw to Berlioz as he proclaimed, "lay one on me brother Berlie!" Ah! The most famous scene of the film then began to play with the alley cats singing Everybody Wants To Be A Cat, and we all know that a cat's the only cat that knows where it is at. The scene went by normally at first with Scat Cat singing, "everybody wants to be a cat, because a cat's the only cat that..." However, Scat Cat was cut off when like some kind of Professor Ratigan; Duchess derailed the song by playing on the harp. She had to play the harp to wake Minnie up! Suddenly, the door to the house swung open as a very angry balding man came in who yelled, "what time do you call this!?" It appeared that O'Malley and the man went way back as according to the balding man, he eats cat food because he doesn't like the taste of normal food especially lamb and mint pies that his brother in law eats and shows to him just to make the man feel sick. "You know this man?" Duchess asked O'Malley who responded, "sure do baby, the guy's name is Arthur Rouge." Arthur had made a deal with O'Malley who promised to rob a truck coming from Nashville which had about 150 cans of the best cat food this side of Paris, but O'Malley, Scat Cat, and the other cats including the Russian Cat who was probably a member of the Petrovic Mafiya explaining why he received such respect from O'Malley and the others and was the only alley cat to be extempt from mocking well they got all greedy ya see and stole the cat food all for themselves breaking Arthur's heart who was forced to lobster tails while he smiles a very weird smile the kind of smile you pull when you smell a smelly smell but don't wish to cause offense. Arthur then ordered the cats to leave otherwise he would make a call to the local kebab shop and have the cats turned into premium kebab meat. "I say you are rather rude!" Scat Cat cried as he then did his iconic bowler hat trick as he then asked, "you wouldn't surely?" Magically, Arthur made an old 1970's telephone appear in his hand as he said, "try me mate."

Not wanting to cause any more trouble, the alley cats walked out into the street but they looked very downtrodden and miserable as they were looking at the ground like they had been caught not paying their bills again. In truth, Scat Cat never paid his bills but not because he was a criminal or anything like that, no he simply didn't know what bills are and in my opinion that's quite commendable. Like some kind of Mr Bean that's what I think anyway. Everybody Wants To Be A Cat was still playing in the background even though none of the alley cats were singing and they all just looked sad so very sad indeed as the weather in the Paris sky had become dark and cloudy so cloudy that there was no sunshine in sight. Tell me about the Sun dear reader, I can't remember the Sun. After that maybe you could tell me about... the CROP CIRCLES! Sorry about that my ear is itching up a storm, I gave it a right good scratch with my back leg as the film showed Toulouse, Berlioz, and Marie getting sent to bed only to decide that they want to see their mother getting hit on by O'Malley. Like in the final film. O'Malley offered to show Duchess and her children the sights and take them under his wing as their new daddy, but Duchess was having none of that and basically said that they needed to get back to Madam before she sent a hitman after O'Malley because ole Madam wouldn't be able to bare the thought of one of her upper cats doing it with an alley cat. It would go against everything that she stands for! That old crone! The following day at dawn, O'Malley and the upper cats finally reached Madam's residence, but the cats didn't spend long time saying goodbye as O'Malley hated goodbyes he just left quietly. He departed into a cold, damp, and quite frankly very smelly alleyway, as the cats made their way towards the cat flap only to find that it was locked so in order to get the attention of Madam they started to meow which caught the ear of the wily Roquefort Mouse who tried to tell the cats not to do this out of fear of Edgar killing them with a baton that he kept in his shoe for when times got hard. The cats obviously couldn't hear Roquefort's warnings through the window, and so compensating the mouse decided to distract Edgar on his own terms. Over in the mess hall, Edgar was about to sip on a cup of tea when he heard the noise but he initially tried to ignore it playing it cool as it were, but Roquefort then hopped onto the table, and began talking to Edgar as he revealed that he could actually talk and then he threatened to Edgar that he was going to do a shit in his tea if he didn't leave the mansion and never returned. "Oh I'm not having that!" Edgar cried at the top of his lungs as he ran out from the mess hall, as Roquefort jumped on over to the nearby piano and congratulated himself on doing such a good job. Roquefort then proclaimed at the top of his lungs I might add; "Now all I have to do is get Madam's attention, and Duchess and her kittens will be sitting in front of the fireplace come this evening's fall! What an adventure this turning out to be!" Roquefort are you ill?

Roquefort ended finally getting what's coming to him when Edgar slammed his fist down on the mouse crushing him in the process. With Roquefort truly disposed of, Edgar allowed for Duchess and her kittens to come on inside, but this was a trap you see as he then grabbed them all up in a big Morrisons bag as he decided that he was going to have them sent to Timbuktu having already made the arrangements with a ship master down there who could swing them some work down on the docks. In truth, Edgar had always anticipated that the cats would come back, and while they were hanging out in the countryside with Thomas O'Malley, he was busy sitting on the living room window with a cup of tea and a cigar as if he expected the cats to come strolling up the sidewalk like it was 1968 or something. Let me tell you something Edgar, times change and if you can't get on board with that well you're in trouble. Thomas O'Malley then appeared out of aristofat air, and started chasing Edgar who had taken cover inside the nearby stables and he managed to grab O'Malley by the hindlegs, and proceeded to throw him into an old trunk along with the upper cats. Edgar wiped the sweat from his balding butler head which was when he noticed that someone had drawn a very crude picture of him on the skirting board of the stable, and he bent down to get a good look which was his pretty steed Frou-Frou gave him a right good kick up the arse which didn't really seem to affect him that much it just made him look very shocked as ole Edgar never believed that Frou-Frou would be brave enough to kick him up the arse. The Alley Cats finally showed up having kicked the door down, and they were being aided by a motorcycle riding Arthur Rouge who had made a deal with the Alley Cats. You see; Arthur had come to realise that he and the Alley Cats actually had a lot of common ground with Arthur feeling comfortable enough to reveal to them that he always wanted to be a doctor, but never could angering his uncle who was a proper miserable bastard who sat on a mouldy purple sofa and did nothing but glare at Arthur all day, but in reality that man's bastard appearance was nothing but a front as on the inside he was very nice probably. Arthur and the Alley Cats walked on over to Edgar who was already in tatters with his suit being torn up. Half dazed, Edgar smiled at Arthur as he did a wiggling motion with his index finger and proclaimed, "be happy!" "Be unhappy!" Arthur retorted as he falcon punched Edgar which sent him flying to the other side of the stables, and he ended up falling face first into a big ole pile of manure. MANURE!

Frou-Frou despite laughing along with everyone else at Edgar's misfortune actually felt bad for the butler as she walked over to the stable and saw that Edgar was lying in the manure with the most judgemental pig you'd ever see. MANURE! "What happened to you Edgar?" Frou-Frou asked in a sad tone of voice as it finally seemed to hit Edgar that maybe being a little nicer was the flavour to favour. Edgar had no time to dwell on his mistakes as he was soon after arrested by Sam Bramsberry who declared that it was a job well done. Bramsberry turned to leave only to get stopped by Scat Cat and the other Alley Cats, as O'Malley then proceeded to hand him an electric razor. Bramsberry albeit very sadly excused himself to the upstairs restroom, but then in a bait and switch moment he came running down the stairs nearly tripping on the last two as he pulled off his hat and hair revealing it have been a wig the entire time thereby proving ole Vercetti's beliefs long after they had first been made. Madam however was not entirely evil as she then revealed that Bramsberry did not have to give up smoking, but just when it looked like she was going to be giving Bramsberry his pay cheque she instead gave him a lollipop which was rotten and had come from the floor of a local Iceland along with a farmer action figure which everyone dubbed Farmer Brown even though his name was actually Forrester. Bramsberry held the lollypop in his hand and smiled at the screen with his bald head which seemed to shine in the early evening sky as he realised that he finally had it made. It all worked out just fine as O'Malley was allowed to live with the upper cats as their new father while Madam became insane by hiring the Alley Cats to act as her new cat band but they ended up destroying her entire house with their music that was so loud that you could hear it everywhere from the hills to the town beyond. The house eventually crumbled into nothing but rubble, but George Hautecourt didn't care much as he sat atop the rubble on an old garden chair with a cup of mutka as he then said to Sam Bramsberry who was sitting on the chair across from him, "want a mint imperial sonny?"

The film then ended with the Disney logo which was when I heard Toulouse proclaim in the background, "oh yeah!" It was so loud that it actually caused me to my fabulous combover to become grey which was of course the very moment that Redcap and the investors came barging into the room, but when the investors saw me the head of the group got proper riled up as he believed that I was using the grey hair to mock him as he made a punching motion with his fist as he yelled, "why I oughta!" "What the heck is going on here Eddie?" I asked confused as Redcap then pointed at me and said, "it's over pal this gang is mine now. I mean I would never mock our beautiful investors by dying my hair grey. I mean you know how self conscious investors can get don't you?" "Well no I didn't, and besides how was I to know?" I asked as I then tried to explain in a half baked lie to the head of the investors Alister Investing that my hair was always grey, and the reason why Prime and I were so unprepared was because we were distracted by the Artistocats bootleg that we had just got finished watching. However, Alister and his fellow investors believed that I was insane and ordered for me to placed into sedation with a white snow tiger up at Mont-Saint-Michel. "I see; things seem to be taking a rather unexpected turn." Prime remarked as he decided to cut his loses and go on his merry way towards the local television centre in order to hopefully try his hand at winning the mighty Countdown teapot. As I was forced into the back of the loony van, Prime pointed at me and smiled as he proclaimed, "I will help!" I know you will Prime I know you will! Sadly, my salvation ended up not happening as Prime lost Countdown terribly, and disgraced he went for a walk down by River Hudson named after the fabulous Hudson Hornet and he sat down on the riverbank only to end up getting sucked into a pipe like a vacuum cleaner. There was signs all around the area which read, "DON'T SIT NEXT TO THE PIPE MAJOR SUCTION KNOWN AS THE SUCK ZONE." Indeed there were warnings all over the place having been placed there by Dusty himself, so it was impossible that Prime couldn't have known the dangers involved sitting next to one of them. What was he thinking? Also according to one of the guards at the facility that I was stationed at; Prime looked incredibly shocked as he was sucked into the pipe. You can get sucked into the pipe, and sadly Prime had to learn that particular lesson the hard way. That's sometimes the way it goes however.

I eventually grew to become comfortable with my station at Mont-Saint-Michel not too comfortable however as I am quite a modest cat all things considered. I'm not an iams cat. They are an inferior race of cats they are! However, one night, while lying in my cell I looked out the barred window where I saw in the moon the face of a friend I had long forgotten about. Pennywise himself appeared in the moon, and when that Pennywise hits the moon like a big pizza pie that's amore! Pennywise on the moon looked at me as he said, "you helped me once before now I'm gonna help you." Suddenly, the restraints which had been used to tie me to the bed were removed, and my cell door was opened as I made my way out of the prison without any problems which was when I ran into Pennywise who looked really lost and he had a big bulky overcoat thrown over himself possibly to avoid getting spotted by the local paparazzi. Pappa pappa paparazzi. Pennywise and I made our way through the island with Pennywise finally removing the cat just as we reached the outskirts of the island where we reached a boat which according to Pennywise we were taking to go to Seattle land of the seahawks which was where Pennywise had made his new home turf. We got into the rowing boat, and began rowing towards Seattle, and I looked back at Mont-Saint-Michel and the search lights had already started blaring and the alarms were already a flaring. All heck was going to break lose when they realised that I was no longer on the island, but it didn't matter. However, I can't say that I'm looking forward to my trip with Pennywise as he refuses to share provisions with me including the baked beans and bread, and my mouth is beginning to become very crusty and chipped as I watch Pennywise down a huge jug of Miracle Max's private select water, but I shan't let it bother me none. Now I better be going as we have just set up dock in Seattle, but I only have one very important question. Where are all the seahawks? Probably away settling accounts like seahawks like to do don't ya know? Hmm. Ta ra! See you on the rebound Slick!