Stone 38

**Chapter 38**

Kahlan rides to to the army of the Evil Wagoneers. The sentries see her, since she's not trying to hide, but they don't bother to stop her since she's just one rider. Those are some terrible sentries, those are.

Kahlan rides through the encamped army, and we learn that the tents are laid out every which way and the soldiers are busy drinking. Yep, looks like the evil soldiers are (1) disorganized, and (2) drunkards. Why must *every* Evil Army be either slovenly and disorganized, or made of mind-controlled, lock-step, hive-mind soldiers? And doesn't an army of 50,000 need some minimum level of organization simply in order to exist?

Kahlan sees lots of D'Haran troops (wait; I thought the D'Haran troops were feared for their skill and efficiency?), then some Keltons, Westlanders, Nicobaresians, and...(gasp)...*Galeans!* She is horrified and hopes they're just D'Harans in the uniforms of the men they've killed, which makes no sense at all. Also, that's a troubleing level of Nationality Equals Attitude. D'Harans, of course, are evil marauders, but certainly no *Galean* could be an evil marauder. Perish the thought!

The Evil Wagoneers are mean and quarrelsome, and Kahlan sees several fights going on. *“Men argued over a lay of the dice, food, casks, or even bottles of drink. Some of the disputes erupted into fights with fists and knives. She saw one man stabbed in the gut, to the uproarious laughter of onlookers.”*

What the bleeping bleep kind of army is this? This is like a parody of what every country thinks the Enemy's armed forces are like. *Our* army is composed of brave, clean, loyal, upright young men who are willing to risk their lives to defend our beloved homeland. *Their* army is composed of mean, ugly, cowardly, smelly, dirty drunks who only want to murder our children and rape our women, and who will fight with each other if there's no one else around.

That's a cliché, that is. \~/

Kahlan finally finds the officers' tents, which are not guarded or anything. A bunch of Evil Wagoneer commanders are having dinner at a small table outside of the tents. Why aren't they eating inside their big-ass tents in the middle of winter in the mountains? Because if they were, we couldn't have this scene. \~/

One of the officers is yelling at a man to fetch them a full cask of drink or he'll be decapitated, and the others all laugh. \~/ Yes, even especially the officers are drunken slobs. Kahlan rides her warhorse right up to the edge of the officers' table (wonderful camp security they've got here \~/). We get a description of the commanders of the Army of Evil Wagoneers:

*“[Kahlan] appraised the half-dozen men sitting around the table. Four were D'Haran officers; the one with his boots resting on the table had been the man who had been yelling* [what??]*; one was a Keltish commander in an ornate uniform unbuttoned to reveal a filthy shirt soaked with wine and meat drippings; and one man wore plain, tan robes.”*

I am now envisioning six blank mannequins sitting around the table, dressed as indicated above. Mannequins with mean frowny-faces. >:(

One of the men proceeds to cut off a chunk of meat, throw the bone to a Random Pack of Dogs (why does an army have a Random Pack of Dogs?), then take a drink of booze with the meat still in his mouth and speak around the whole mess. Now, that's dedication. Dedication to raw stupidity, but still. Dedication. \~/

Commander Glutton greets Kahlan mockingly, and we learn that the wizard's name (the guy in plain tan robes) is Slagle, while the Keltish guy's name is Karsh. Slagle can apparently smell Confessors...that actually sounds like a useful talent. Slagle is whittling a big wooden penis for no real reason except that he's EVIL. \~/

Kahlan and Commander Glutton (whose name, we learn, is General Riggs, the supreme commander) chat for a bit, mostly in the form of cold demands and thinly-veiled – wait, make that completely unveiled – threats and sexual comments. We learn that the Evil Wagoneers now serve the Imperial Order, which is about as unimaginative a name as I can think of. Riggs then explains himself in a manner that simply has to be quoted.

*“Darken Rahl was a man of limited foresight, a man too much concerned with his ancient magic and too little concerned with order. He was too preoccupied with his own quests, his old religions. Magic, until it is eradicated, is a tool of men, not a master of them.*

*“Darken Rahl failed to use the opportunity he had. We will not fail. Darken Rahl himself, in the underworld, knows this, and repents. He is allied to our struggle now. The good spirits have declared it! We no longer bow to the house of Rahl, but they, as all houses, districts, and kingdoms, to us. The new Lord Rahl will join us, too, or we'll crush him and any heathen dogs who follow him. We will crush all the heathen dogs!”*

So many questions...like, what are these “old religions” Rahl was so concerned with? Note: “religions,” plural. At most, I suppose Rahl might have been a Satanist, though this was far from clear in Book 1.

Darken Rahl (the wizard) knows that magic must be eradicated, and posthumously repents of...being a wizard, I guess. Yeah. \~/ And, look out! You know that evil man that everyone hated? Well, he's on our side! Wait, that came out wrong...\~/

And what's with the “heathen dogs” bit? Are these guys associated with a church? Riggs refers to the “good spirits,” so I'm going to have to say no. This is just confusing.

Riggs speechifies \~/ for a page about how awesome the rule of the Imperial Order will be, and how weak and stupid women are. Because he's a misogynist. In case we forgot that he's EVAL!! He explains that, under Order rule, women will either be *“humble wives”* or whores. Apparently those are the only two career options.

There's an amusing bit where Riggs mocks the Midlands Council, while Kahlan tries to defend it, and I can't help but note that Riggs is pretty much right. Riggs also uses the word “vincible,” which I've never seen used before. Riggs insists that the Order will protect all the lands from *“the horde who will come.”* Apparently this horde is spoken of in 'the prophecies,” which Slagle has expounded upon. Again with the damn prophecies. Not everything has to be prophecized, you know.

We learn that the Blood of the Fold have joined up with the Order...so I guess they *are* sort of associated with a church. There's a lot more pointless talk, basically reinforcing that the Order = Evil, for those readers who are unable to grasp subtle nuances. We also learn that the Order intends to wipe out all wizards, Confessors, and other magical beings, and Slagle the wizard is okay with this. He intends to die last, once all the others are wiped out. I'm pretty sure that's a sign of some mental disorder or other.

Blah blah blah, Kahlan condemns them all to death and calls down the Blue Lightning of Sue-Fury. Nothing happens. Fortunately for Kahlan, these idiots let a big-ass warhorse ride right up to them, and Nick the warhorse kicks the crap out of the Evil Wagoneer Commanders as Kahlan hangs on helplessly. Slagle throws wizard's fire at her, and she rides away on Nick – wait, Nick is fast enough to *outrun a fireball??* Okay, whatever.

Kahlan rides through camp, the fireball following her and causing utter mayhem because Slagle is a moron. Kahlan grabs a random lance and, having ridden in a big circle, lances Slage to death as the fireball explodes behind her. There's panic and chaos and confusion as she escapes with fifty men after her.

End chapter, and I have to admit that, as stupid as all that was, that's a pretty decent way to end a chapter.

Drinks: 9

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