A Very Ozzy Christmas

**A Very Ozzy Christmas** is the ninth episode of the first series of The Osbournes. It originally aired on the April 30, 2002.

## Summery

The Osbournes are packing their stuff at the Peninsula Hotel in New York, and Sharon tells Ozzy and Jack that one of their tour truck drivers had an accident the other day. He was getting a blow job from a hooker he had picked up, and was driving in the nude. Later they are on a tour bus driving around New York, and Sharon is informed that Michael, their security guard, had been arrested for robbing a house behind theirs. Ozzy immediately suspects that Michael may have stolen his jewelry.

Ozzy embarks on his last promotional concert for his new album in New York. Back at the hotel, Ozzy is flabbergasted when he sees all the designer branded shopping bags Sharon has. Ozzy, Sharon and Jack return home, managing to get all the bags onto the plane. When Christmas finally arrives, presents are exchanged, and the Osbournes are paid a visit by Ozzy's son from his first marriage, techno DJ Louis Osbourne.

For dinner, Ozzy repeats: "We did really great with that gravy!" and Sharon sighs: "We're gonna hear about this fucking gravy for the next year". Ozzy opens a champagne bottle, and almost breaks something when the cork flies across the room. Sharon starts talking about Christina Aguilera's album 'My Kind Of Christmas'. Jack flips Kelly the finger for no reason. Kelly pouts, gets up and leaves the dining room.

After the dinner, Jack's and Kelly's girl friends, come over for a visit and talk with the Osbournes in the sitting room. Jack gets a pocket knife from one of his friends for Christmas. He plans to go out with it, but Sharon and Ozzy warns if he goes out with an army-style haircut, a tee-shirt with 'Cocaine' on it and holding a pocket knife, he would get arrested by the police.

The day after Christmas, Sharon and Kelly meet up with Michael, their security guard. Michael explains how he had never been in the house behind theirs and never took anything.

## Memorable Quotes

"*One of our eleven truck drivers has gotten into a little accident yesterday. We found out today. He was getting blowjob from a hooker while he was driving.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Oh! That'll do it!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*So the ambulance came and he's totally fucking naked, in the middle of winter, in Connecticut.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Fucking hate Christmas, fucking hate it man!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Does anybody know our security guard Mike? He's just been arrested for robbing the house behind us!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*It's gone! All my jewellery. Sharon! Get that motherfucker!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Check my jewellery. If he's there. I'm over there and I'll whack the cunt!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*You're not gonna believe it but when he got arrested he had one of your tee shirts on!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*I like Christmas I really do. I love presents, it's another excuse to go shopping and I love that!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*When I was a kid I would get one gift. A smelly old sock...with a few nuts in. A couple of pennies, a apple and orange. That was it!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Well you can keep on fucking wishing cause it ain't gonna be*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I know, everybody's gonna fight, call eachother "bastards" and everybody will go to bed early.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*International rock star. Fucking gravy maker extraordinaire.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Fucking hate Christmas. It's just let's sit on a table with your family and see how long you sit there without arguing over the stupidest shit.*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*We're gonna hear about this fucking gravy for the next year.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*I'd like some fizzy piss.*"
— Melinda Varga

"*Don't you start fucking singing! The fucking birds will die.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I said I was gonna cut his dick off and shove it down he throat.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Jessica, can't I say something? Mind your fucking own business!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*It's on! The Christmas Fight is on!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*I think you're a fucking screw up.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*If I get a call from the police station, I'll say "Lock the fucker up!"*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Okay so, you can't go out in your car because that's a deadly weapon when you're behind the wheel!*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*Can somebody open the fucking door?*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Fucking kid! IF YOU GET BUSTED! I'LL FUCKING BUST YOUR ARSE! DON'T FUCK WITH KNIVES, MAN! DON'T GO OUT WITH A FUCKING T-SHIRT WITH COCAINE ON YOUR FUCKING T-SHIRT AND THE FUCK...GIVE ME THE FUCKING KNIFE!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I don't give a fuck if he hates me! A black eye or at least or fucking thrown in the can for the night- I've just won!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne, whilst playing an arcade game

## Trivia

* This is the last appearance of Michael.
* The gift Ozzy gets at the Hotel was from Rob Zombie.
	+ While the picture of his mother at the age of sixteen was from Sharon.
* Despite being the penultimate episode to Series 1, the is episode was one of the first to be filmed.