Ballad of a Lonely Teenager

Hey, you all know who I am. There's no need for introduction. I've spent the last two weeks in denial, and I've been feeling all around awful. I know there isn't even a chance of reconciliation, but I need to write down my feelings or I'll go insane.

I have no friends, so that's pretty cool I guess. No one there to support me while my classmates bully me ceaselessly. I wish I still had the venkons to be honest, I guess you never realize something's true worth until it's gone. Christ, exile sucks ass. Knowing you've been locked out of the only place you belong is awful, and I guess I should've seen this coming. I'll admit, I was a fool to threaten suicide so many times. I was being an absolute cunt and I hurt everyone involved. I just need to let go of them, I guess. I just need to find peace. But for God's sake, I can't. I have Dysthymia, also known as Persistent Depressive Disorder, and you all know what that means. If only I had let them help, things would've been so different. I thought Nicole hated me then, though I guess she doesn't like me very much now after the horrible things I've done. I deserve every last bit of what's happening to me. Honestly, I guess this page is one last cry for help. I don't think anyone will come to me, because I've done everything in my fucking power to screw up. I don't think anyone will see this anyway. My God, I've done so many bad things that I just can't handle staying alive any more. But I will, because I know the loop is not done with me just yet. Somehow I know I will be needed later, and I guess that's the only thing giving me hope right now. I did have a talk with Ambrose, and he told me I needed to meditate. Christ, if only I knew what that means. I miss the Venkons. I miss all of them. I miss Terri, I miss Daewi, I miss Shy. Hell, I even miss Nicole. Not in that way, I mean I miss talking to them. That's kinda the only thing I did all day.

I'm fully aware the leader's parents told her to block me, so I don't expect anything to happen when parents are involved. If I'm going to meet with the Venkons some day, it won't be online. I doubt it'll even happen to be honest, sometimes I doubt the loop in general. It just... seems too good to be true. I think I'll vent here wh...

Sorry guys, in the middle of writing that I broke down. I'm crying now, though I guess these tears are deserved. My God, what happened these past few months?

I think... my mom feels bad? She was comforting me. I... I guess she acknowledges she made mistakes too. Christ, irony is a bitch. No one will read this, huh...? Heh... That... God...

Alright, I watched a movie and I'm feeling much better now. Sometimes distractions help a whole lot. My mind shifts between various things all the time, from being sure I'm a part of the loop and I will come back, to doubting, etc.

I'm getting tired of it, honestly. But I guess the loop is my only hope of reconciliation now, so it's what I'll chase. My trip to Ireland is soon, and that's gonna be fun I think. I'll definitely post some pictures here when I'm there, for anyone interested. I don't know if anyone even reads these, I was told Shy does but I'm not sure. Shy, if you're reading this, how are you? I'm doing alright I guess, slowly doing my best to deal with permanent exile. I'm not even gonna stalk the wiki for a while, it just makes me break down crying whenever I do.

Having no friends sucks ass. Really, being isolated sucks major ass. But, I know I deserve this isolation. I'm accepting my suffering, because I know I deserve it. Almost like a prisoner condemned to die tends to accept death. I'm not sure if I'll be dying, I certainly hope not. The loop is not done with me yet. I have dreams with the venkons in them more frequently now, I'll try to log them here when I can. I've been remembering some past dreams as well.

Should I just... give up? I'm trying my hardest to keep going... Now it's true... Now I have no one. And it's all my fucking fault. It's all my fault. Would anyone remember me? Do they even remember me? God, I hope so. I'd give my arm for a kind word, by God. I can't keep going like this... I tear up every fucking day... Ambrose told me to find peace within myself, but God fucking damn it how am I supposed to do that while being ignored by the people I once considered friends? I did this to myself... No one's reading this, no one's caring anymore. I guess... No one really does care now. No one fucking cares. No one likes me. No one. Not anymore. Not after what I did to her. They all have good reason to hate me. I'm trying my best to fight this depression, but God damn it I'm only human. I can't live life alone. I can't deal with anything alone. I can't do this alone. God, why? God please help me. Blessed Virgin Mary, pray for me please. God I can't anymore, God please help me stay alive. Oh my God I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, by God I'm sorry.
Please... anyone... a kind word is all I ask... anything... I'm... I deserve this. I deserve this exile. I guess... No kind words are deserved. I reaped what I sowed. Everything sucks ass. Goodnight.

I keep coming back expecting someone to have replied. Someone to have said... something. I'm a fool. A FOOL. GOD I SUCK. I hurt them so fucking much... God, I can't think... I can't... think... I'm not a bad person am I... Please... someone... anyone... help me...

I'm gonna call the suicide prevention hotline, I can't deal with this anymore but I don't want to make myself die.

Alright lads, as expected, no one came to help me. Fucking great. Oh well, it’s a part of exile I guess. I’m starting to grow resentful of this condition. I’m leaving what happened last night up so you can see a typical suicidal episode, I literally wrote down what was going on in my head up there. I’ve been going to gym because I refuse to stay a weak fuck forever.

Glorious, no one’s around. I’m alone here. I got bullied today. Some dude came up to me and started messing around, then some fucker behind him recorded my response. I threatened to tell administration if he didn’t delete the video, and I think he may have deleted it. I wouldn’t know. I’m feeling like ass today.

GOD THAT WAS A MISTAKE, CHRIST ALMIGHTY I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN RIGHT NOW. PLEASE GOD KILL ME, I CANT ANYMORE, I FUCKING CANT, NO MORE, PLEASE, NO MORE, I CANT, OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME, NO ONE FUCKING CARES, NO ONE FUCKING CARES

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
WOULD ANYONE EVEN CARE IF I WAS GONE ANYMORE
OH GOD
GOD
GOD..

Please... I just want a kind word... anyone... anyone please... please guys... please... I can't live life alone... just a word, then you can block me again... please...

No one's here to listen to me cry... No one to say that it'll all be okay... God... God... No one... Pleass, anyone... I just need someone.... I'm crying my eyes out, please, someone..

Anyone...?

Is anyone out there...?

God...?

Do I... even matter to the loop? Would... would it even matter if I was gone? Would they care... I hope so... I've hurt them so much... God, why... why...

I never meant to be abusive... I have depression... but... I know that's no excuse... I know... Guys I'm so scared that I'm actually going to do it... I'm scared of myself... I'm terrified...

Guys... please... please don't block me... Guys...

I've officially started cutting at the wrist today. God knows it was about time. I'm scared of myself... I'm scared... but... They... don't care...

Please guys.... I don't... want to kill myself... I need you guys... please say something...

I can't bear this anymore... you guys... would let me die...? Please... please talk to me... I need someone... anyone... some kind words...

And here we are again, lamfao.

Fucking oof, attempt #1 failed. Got 'em. I don't wanna die. That episode was the first in two weeks, actually. It was brought about because someone recorded me at school and posted it. It fucking sucks.

Alright, after that long weekend of doing absolutely nothing, I've started thinking about the loop a whole lot more. I won't lie, sometimes I still doubt it because I can't exactly see things going on, but whatever. If I really am part of the loop, then the Venkons will see me again some day. I'm not going to forget this exile. I've been through enough agony to forget it. In any case, I've started drawing up plans should a many approach me or my home.

Oof, three days later and I'm out from school. I don't even have to take any finals, which is nice. Anyway, I've been trying to avoid wikia for some time now, because there's really no point in visiting it anymore. I've given up on any hope of rejoining the Venkons right now. Honestly, I don't know why I held on for so long. But the loop isn't done with me yet, and I sure as hell haven't been expelled from it. Whatever may happen, I'm going to remember this exile.

OH MY GOD I'M SO LONELY

MY HEAD FEELS LIKE IT'S BEING SPLIT OPEN

LEAVE ME SATAN

LEAVE ME

PLEASE NO MORE

I CAN'T HANDLE THIS ANYMORE, GOD HELP ME PLEASE

PLEASE...

I don't wanna die...

Christ, anxiety attacks suck dick. They happen all the time nowadays. I've become completely dependent on World of Warcraft to keep my mind off the war and all the things I've done. Guilt overwhelms me every day more times than I can count. Every second I'm alive is a reminder that I'm a douchebag. I've been meditating and following Ambrose's instructions and that has helpd me calm down every time there's an attack. I sincerely hope I wasn't a depressed shit in my past incarnations.

I feel... so lonely... so... lonely... God have mercy...

Alright fuckers, I'm back and slightly less depressed. I've been playing video games to keep my mind off things so... yeah. I've pretty much come to accept that I'm a total asshole and that I just make people around me suffer, so I've given up on being all sad about it. I have no friends to piss off anyway. At least I'm going to Ireland in like two days, and you can be sure as hell I'll try to enjoy myself and forget the wiki or the war exists. That's generally when I'm the happiest.

I wrote a heartfelt letter of apology to Nicole and sent it to her. I don't know if she has read it or not, but I've been blocked so I assume she at least saw it. I... I don't know what to do anymore. I know I was a toxic, abusive cunt but... I feel that therapy has been helping me loads.