Law of the Land

A few years ago, during my trip to Ethiopia, I encountered the best example of the country’s wild and mysterious nature. Nearly shit my pants, but looking back, it’s a really great story to tell. So here we are today.

I bought a couple of goats, for meat, in a market in Harar and spent that day in the city. It’s a great place. I even got to see the Hyena-Man of Harar in action. He actually feeds the Hyenas. Fucking hyenas. It takes balls to do what he does. He told me he picked up this practice because people were so afraid of the animals, they nearly drove them out of the city. He hated seeing their suffering and decided to illuminate these creatures in a more positive light by bonding and feeding them.

It’s crazy.

Ethiopia has a complicated relationship with the spotted hyena. It’s respected for its strength, intelligence, and ferocity it’s feared and reviled for its ability to eat anything made up of meat and the animal’s terrifying exterior and violent aggression. There are even legends that state that hyenas can transform themselves into humans and take up occupation as blacksmiths in human guise to conceal their nightly raids on graveyards.

This is bullshit, a myth. Hyenas are apex predators, not scavengers. They wouldn’t mind stealing the meal of another predator, but other big-shot hunters do the same. The giant short-faced bear was probably a behemoth who made a living out of stealing other predators’ food. I digress.

Anyhow, after spending the day in Harar, I left the city at night. I intended to camp out the entire trip in the wilderness. I had everything I needed in my truck. Driving through rural Oromia is a sight to behold. There is nothing but green lush mountains and rivers illuminated by the brilliant light of the moon and the stars. Absolutely breathtaking.

On my way into the mountainous isolation, I came across a frantic Kudu. It was running in zig-zags ahead of my truck. I stopped, figuring something was chasing the beast. Something chased it, something big, but I couldn’t make out the species of the hunter. It was dark and hidden from the light of the moon. Its movements were erratic and strange. Almost like a human trying to run on all fours. Even though it was incredibly fast, the movement seemed off.

Maybe it was some local hunter trying to force the Kudu into exhaustion. Not that it made much sense to hunt at night. Who knows, Ethiopia is massive and there are a million different peoples and ethnicities with as many traditions. The gigantic antelope escaped its chaser. Slipped away under the cover of darkness in graceful maneuvers that a creature of its size shouldn’t be able to perform.

“Tough luck for the hunter,” I thought. Surely it had to go home hungry. That is the law of the land. Win some, lose some. Only the most fit survive.

Reigniting my truck, I felt it shake. I nearly hit my head on the steering wheel. The roof of the car collapsed slightly. The scraping of metal permeated my ears. It came from above. I looked up. Something was moving on top of my truck. I looked up and the smell of wet fur entered my truck. Rolling up my windows immediately, I saw a hairy clawed appendage sway behind my window.

Holy fuck, these were some enormous claws. Five of them!

The thing trotted back and forth across the roof of my truck as I sat there beneath it. Admittedly, I didn’t want to be noticed by whatever it was. I could hear it sniffing the air above me. Bloody hell, what a brute.

The creature shifted its weight onto the trunk, and I felt the car shake violently again. It strapped to the back of the cabin. I don’t remember swearing more than I did at that moment. I whispered so many “fucks” in these few moments, God.

The thing’s weight shifted again, and the truck bounced again, nearly making me shit myself. Wondering if it had left, I looked at the window, trying to spot it. The moonlight greeted me. For a second I thought it finally left and breathed in and sighed a sigh of relief.

A gigantic bear-like head popped up behind my window, snarling, flashing the impossibly massive canines behind its lips at me. My heart nearly flew out of my mouth. Blood covered its fur. Its eyes terrible feral shade of brown, something in them seemed almost human. Small, rounded ears protruded from beneath a disheveled mane. The strangest thing of all was a pair of oversized Moose antlers sticking out its head.

The beast almost smiled, noticing my fear and it wandered off into the darkness.

Sleep evaded me that night. I just drove on and on, as far as I could from that horrible thing. I’m pretty sure I heard it chuckle as it faded into the night.