Henry the Alchemist

This article is about the song from Miss Helen's Weird West Cabaret. For the character, see Henry.

"Henry the Alchemist" is the ninth track of Miss Helen's Weird West Cabaret.

## Performers

#### The Paul Shapera Cocktail Hour

Paul Shapera

Tim Ledsam as "Evan"

## Lyrics

[HENRY:]

My town of Vulture Rock was quiet

I was young, my science was

My favorite thing, since I was shy

And awkward, and cute guys I just

Could not talk to

I got so confused

'Til Evan came along

Alchemy is quite my thing

When solubles are transforming

And matter unmade reshaping

And souls themselves transmutating

I dream of potions

of evolution

To lead mankind along

The hellmouth just appeared one day

A rift in time a tear in space

And monsters from a hellish place

Came out to eat and kill and chase

And doom arrived

We prepared to die

'Til an idea crossed my mind

A potion I had never made

Too dangerous, but thought could change

A man in strange, divergent ways

Our last hope of salvation lay

With death coming

I made some

And I drank it down that day

[HENRY:] (spoken)

I don't understand, nothing happened.

[EVAN:] (spoken)

Well, at least you tried. It's all right. If this is the end, maybe, you know... maybe we should... One last time...

[HENRY:] (spoken)

Yes, I'd like that. Mmmm, that feels good...

[EVAN:] (spoken)

Well you're certainly getting aroused... oh! Oh god... Henry, Henry, what's happening to you?

[HENRY:] (spoken)

I... I feel... I feel like something inside is coming out...

(growls)

I'm the wild man

The party's always where I am

Yeah, I'm the scream hurled by that drunk girl, yeah, yeah

I'm the sodomite

Who makes everything all right

Yeah, I'm the mad howl of you night out, yeah, yeah

[HENRY:] (spoken)

Where am I?

[OLD COOT:] (spoken)

You're in Rattlesnake Springs, up above the Whiskeybath Saloon.

[HENRY:] (spoken)

But that's 70 mi.. wait, why are all these naked men passed out all over the place?

[OLD COOT:] (spoken)

Oh, you missed quite a shindig last night. It was all willies and alcohol around here.

[HENERY:]

My alter ego Hurl, indeed

Could kill the foul invading beasts

But he was wild and wasn't me

He drank and screwed and fought and screamed

A wild id

Who I hated

At war with my own self

After he'd fought the beasts' attacks

He wouldn't want to calm, change back

He'd go on benders that would last for days

Of drinking, sex and laughs

He gorged in bed

With scores of men

For miles and miles around

The thing that makes me change to him

Arousal, an erection, when

Desire rises, springs within

The transformation happens and

I cave, change, and he

Raves and shames

I cannot keep him down

And so I try to keep somehow

Him from ever coming out

I drink elixirs to renounce

And keep my strange libido down

I vow now

I must live without

Becoming ever more aroused

[TOWNSPEOPLE:] (spoken)

Henry! There's a new monster attacking the town! We need Hurl! You've got to get it up!

He can't get it up? But if he doesn't change we'll all die!

C'mon y'all, we've all got to pitch in to help give ol' Henry an erection!

Get it up, Henry, get it up!

Alright, bring the men's volleyball team over here! Get your clothes off and start spanking each other playfully! Alright you, cowboys... oh lordy jesus, you don't need no instructions.. Bring me the college boy. Yeah, give me that shy freshman look... good, okay, pretend you've never seen one before... you just gotta reach out and touch... Come on Henry, rise and shine, boy!

[HENRY:]

I'm the wild man

The party's always where I am

Yeah, I'm the scream hurled by that drunk girl, yeah, yeah

I'm the sodomite

Who makes everything all right

Yeah, I'm the mad howl of you night out, yeah, yeah

I'm the craving and the action

I'm the strive for satisfaction

I'm the will to live, the passion

That will make you dance and scream

I'm the hunger, thirst for more

That keeps the species moving forward

I'm the blood lust and the gorge

That survival itself needs

I'm the fire in the stove

Of evolution, don't you know

The species clawing upward goes

Because I'm there to scream and poke

When death is at your feet

I'm the beast you better feed

My greed exceeding to extremes

Is the rebel scream you need

Yeah!

I'm the wild man

Bitch, the party's always where I am

Yeah, I'm that scream hurled by that drunk girl, yeah, yeah

I'm the sodomite

Who makes everything all right

Yeah, I'm the mad howl of you night out, yeah, yeah

Evan, who I loved

He broke my heart when he broke up

For Hurl filled him with disgust

And we couldn't ever touch

For if we held I might arise

And change before his eyes

and hurl would mock him and he'd cry

And so he left me one long night

The town looked at me strange

A mix of fear and awe and shame

for Hurl's wanton and lewd ways

I felt their constant furtive gaze

Locked inside my house I'd stay

There cowering and i'd hide

While Hurl rattled deep inside

The carnal cages of my mind

A two-week bender gone astray

I woke up in a strange new place

Here in Lost Hallow where I stayed

And keep my urges pressed away

I work my alchemy in a dank basement 'neath the street

Where somewhere deep inside he sings

And waits 'til next he's free