'Chicago Strangler' Investigation Swerves Towards Guardsley. For Loki Racing Demands Trial By Combat

By Cucker Tarlson & Bandrew Aenson

22 minutes ago | Formula D

• 6 min read

In a shocking turn of events, evidence has surfaced implicating Chi-town darling and Viking F1 driver K'Thaw Guardsley in the ongoing Chicago Strangler investigation. The unconfirmed serial killer has been terrorizing the city for months. The news has sent shockwaves through the city, and locals are struggling to come to terms with the possibility that one of the world's most renowned racing stars and Chicago's adopted son could be responsible for such heinous crimes.

Eyewitnesses have reported seeing a man matching the Viking driver's description fleeing the vicinity of several of the crime scenes, driving aggressively and damaging nearby parked vehicles. Additionally, a photo has been leaked online showing what is speculated to be a partial FLR glove logo imprinted on the neck of the latest victim.

One local resident living near Navy Pier, who wished to remain anonymous, spoke to our reporter about the shocking allegations. "I can't believe it," Karen Olivia Smith-Benson said. "Ever since he popped out of that portal in the side of The Bean with those bearded fellows, K'Thaw seemed like such a nice guy. I used to see him drifting around the neighborhood all the time. We knew him by his huge smile and constant laughter, and he would shout what I assume were nice greetings in that silly foreign accent of his. Plus, he's almost as handsome as that Bjorn fella he's teammates with."

Another resident expressed outrage at the news. "Mama Mia," he said. "I-a for one don't-a believe-a the Lamestream Shmedia for one deep-a dish-a second-a." He continued, gesturing with a cannoli "His whole-a family was-a wiped out by those Turnip Bandits, why-a would he cause-a the same pain to his supporters in Chi-beria?"

Police Chief Dan Smith released the following statement: "Good afternoon, my fellow Chi-raqis, I am speaking to you today regarding the recent speculation of K'Thaw Guardsley, descendant of a long line of white law enforcement officers, being linked to the Chicago Strangler case.

I want to assure you that we take these allegations very seriously, and we are working diligently to investigate all possible other minority-related leads in this case. We urge any of our well-to-do citizens to come forward with suspicions or evidence on anyone else who just kinda looks like they would be the guy."

When questioned on the legality of K'Thaw's portal-immigrant status, Dan jotted down the asking reporter's name and abruptly ended the news conference.

Despite the mounting evidence against him, TP Peterson has vehemently denied on behalf of K'Thaw any involvement in the crimes. In a statement released through his lawyer/translator, he said, "The team Seerress has interpreted the omens and K'Thaw is completely innocent, he doesn't not not have an unaggressive bone in his body. I don't even know how those eye witnesses can claim to have seen anything given how badly it was raining every time. And don't even get me started on that "logo" they found on that Rev My Engine fan's neck, it looks like a smudge that any AI could've just cooked up."

The FLR legal team followed up this statement by filing a motion to resolve these slanderous claims via Trial By Combat. Unconfirmed rumors are swirling that Sebulba has been placed on retainer as FLR's Champion. When asked for comment, Aston Fartin's TP Ritter stated, "Im so confused, did we draw new events?"

The case is still ongoing, and authorities are urging anyone with information about the Chicago Strangler or Guardsley's possible involvement to come forward, but to definitely save it until after the race this weekend. Meanwhile, the people of Chicago are left to wonder if their Hero of the Bean has become a monster.

## Out of Game

This article was written by Kyle Peterson.