2023 Power Rankings-Bowl Week

## Introduction

1-3 vs. 2-5.

Welcome to Glory Bowl XIII.

It's the return of the king. The once great dynasty reborn. After starting 1-3, this team became the league's second-best scorer over the remainder of the year and finished 7-7 to clinch a playoff berth. Remember Frodo, the ring is forever calling to its master. It wants to be found...Back in the game which has seen his team more than any other in the history of this league...The Shotti Bunch:

A franchise like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers...the worst W/L record in the history of the league, a perennial punchline, but more rings than three other teams in the LOC and on another insane run. After starting 2-5 and losing two of their stars, this team went on a tear unlike much we have seen in this league's history. Up there with Papa's miracle run of 2011. Is this their Brady-era Bucs championship run? It would make them just the third team to win multiple trophies, in a season they started 3 games under .500....Sweet Dee:

In a season defined by injuries, it is fitting that it is unlucky season number 13. Shotti wasn't healthy to start the year and lost his stud WR Tyreek Hill for the opening round of the playoffs, then his superstar semifinals performer Amari Cooper for the Glory Bowl. Sweet Dee has lost her franchise quarterback for the second time this season, making her run all the more impressive. It's not the one we expected, but it's Sweet Dee vs. The Shotti Bunch in Glory Bowl XIII.

## How it Went Down

A brief blurb about how each matchup came to be:

### Semifinals 1: Paddock 9 vs. The Shotti Bunch

* The Shotti Bunch won because: He's built for the playoffs, not the regular season. Shotti may have a bunch of guys who appeared average in September, but they all have heated up in time for December. This is Mike Heavans' time to shine as he is Godlike in December. It's when Justin Corn Fields lit it up last year, so it makes sense that he would crop dust Pat's team in the semis. It's when Baltimore's defense gets mean in the cold. And yes, 70 points from Amari Pooper, who shit all over Paddock 9. And 55 from Breezy Hall certainly helped. But take those 125 points away and Shotti still wins by 50 points.
* Paddock 9 lost because: His team just broke down. He was the healthiest team all season, and that seemed great. Except when you realize that nobody can withstand the force of the long NFL year and maybe it would have been better if P9 had suffered some losses earlier on. Instead, he has Kelce running around like an old man, Hockenson tearing his ACL, Buffalo wearing down against the Chargers of all things, and even their money kicker Hopkins getting knocked from the game after two PATs. It was a baller team until the old guys looked old and the young guys got hurt.

### Semfinals 2: Mattness vs. Sweet Dee

* Sweet Dee won because: At every point of adversity throughout the season, Sweet Dee made a money move that paid off. Upon losing Burrow for Sure-Oh and MAndrews in the same game, Dee was able to plug in Njoku and Wilson and hasn't lost a game since. But beyond that, in moments of OTHER people's adversity, Dee also jumped on the opportunity. Kyren WillToWiniams was a FA add on 9/10. Jerome Ford F150 was driven off the lot on 9/17. A powerful RB group, led by CMC, once again has Sweet Dee on an insane winning streak that has takan her right to the big game.
* Mattness lost because: despite making all the 'right' start/sit choices, including the correct defense (NYJ over KC), the correct TE (Fergy over HitaWaller), the correct QB (Lawrence of Arabia, in a desert looking for an oasis of fantasy points, over Minshew Magic if the magic was some dude you paid $10 to perform at a 2YO birthday party), and the correct flex (Singletary over Josh Palmer or Jakobi Meyers), could not overcome key injuries. At the very least, Mattness was choosing between picking up Lawrence and Stafford and the margin of defeat was large enough that it didn't matter that he chose Lawrence. But injuries to DJ Moore and Lawrence in-game, along with zero blowup performances (JJ came closest with 33 on a 23 projection), made for a lackluster score and a no-doubter loss.

### Cinco De Lose-0: Momma vs. Stupid Idiots

* Momma won because: Dak Impresscot returned and Derrick Henry did a "one more ride" thing. It also helps that Evan Engram is getting 10+ catches a game and Devonta Smith gets a lot of looks because of all the coverage on AJ Brown. This wasn't a championship year for momma, though if he had managed to win last week he would have defeated both Paddock and Mattness in the semis. But at 8-8, they did their best with what many (yes, many) deemed to be a lackluster draft.
* Idiots lost because: Despite some savvy late season moves, the team simply did not have enough juice. Shoutout to guys like Rasheed Shaheed and Zeke BEllCowiot, each dropping 22+ and doing really way more than should be expected of guys like them. But elsewhere on the roster, the team did not show up. Drake London and Sam LaPorta were stand out let downs. Jake Moody and San Fran D both crapped the bed. And James Cook, what the fuck dude? Kitchen closed I guess.

### Consolation Semifinals 1: Papa's Posse vs. Pain Train

* Pain Train won because: He has trusted the power of the stack all season, and he knew how to pilfer from other teams. He banked on the Texans during his first win streak, and this week he put it all on the Bucs. Both the defense and the QB broke 33 points. Zay Flowers, acquired in a trade earlier in the year from Paddock 9, contributed a bouquet of 24.40 points. Dallas "Star" Goedert, picked up from waivers after RIPDab dropped him, added 15.90.
* Papa's Posse lost because: He gambled on Josh Jacobs and didn't realize his mistake until it was too late. Papa was hoping all week that Jacobs would go, and was too distracted by Christmas day to realize that he was declared OUT. Papa realized his mistake at 12:29 for a 12:30 kickoff and had just enough time to move Jacobs out of the flex spot. But what he failed to realize was that Dalton Schultz had already played the day before and had locked in his flex spot, causing a roster freeze that made it impossible for him to pick up a sub for Jacobs. A bad beat made badder by Courtland Sutton's injury and Brock Purdy's ugly implosion.

### Consolation Semifinals 2: Duck Punchers vs. RIPDa

* RIPDab won because: He wanted it more. Ever since his massive losing streak took him way out of contention, his goal was to win the Heart and Soul Bowl and control his destiny for next year. His greatest obstacle was Duck, and he took care of him in the first round. Puka Nacua has proved to be one of the best trade acquisitions ever and Josh Allen has almost always found a way to hit or beat projection.
* Duck Punchers lost because: He didn't set his lineup. Swap Pittman for Pickens and that's an extra 59.10 points. Enough said.

## Matchup Recap

* Sweet Dee crushes the Commish's soul in the semifinals for the second time with a wire-to-wire victory vs. Multiverse of mattness (10-10).
* The Shotti Bunch, after facing over 270 points in each of the first two matchups against the Commish Cup winner during the regular season, treats Pat like Nate and face fucks him in the semifinals with a 352.39 performance for the ages, ending the supposed season of destiny for Paddock 9 (11-9).
* Ma ma momma said puts another trophy on his shelf, albeit a consolation bowl win for 5th place against budding rival The Stupid Idiots (7-8).
* RIPDab punches his ticket to the Heart and Soul Bowl after a heartless and soulless performance from Duck Punchers (11-9).
* Pain Train surprises many by stealing a win against a distracted Papa's Posse (15-11).

## Stat Chat

* Paddock 9 becomes the 4th team to lose 200 combined games.
* The Shotti Bunch becomes the first team to break 300 points in the playoffs four times. No other team has done it more than twice.
* Pain Train becomes the 2nd team to win a postseason game in at least 10 seasons. Mattness and Papa both have a chance to become the 3rd team if they can win their bowl games this week.
* Commish has tied RIPDab for the most semifinal losses (and subsequently, most Salty Dolphin Bowl appearances). He has lost in the semis five times.
* This week marked a record 7th postseason showdown between Pain Train and Papa's Posse
* Momma and Mattness become the first two teams to compete in 200 career games. Three more teams will join them this week.

## The 300-Point Club

This week Shotti joined Mattness as the second team to score over 300 points five times. He had the 6th best game ever played in LOC history, as well as the second-largest margin of victory...an astronomical 181.91 point spread. That's more points than Paddock scored in total.

### 300-Point Playoff Performances

It wasn't that long ago that Duck Punchers became the only team to break 300 in the semifinals and then not take home the hardware the following week. But Shotti is 2-0 when breaking 300, having done it during his 2017 run and then TWICE in 2013 during his first championship season.

## All-Time Franchise Consolation Tournament Records

A quick look at the consolation records.

Duck Punchers is still looking for his first win in the consolation bracket, going 0-2 in the opening round and 0-1 in the second round (losing the Million Dollar Game). Nate moves up ahead of JarJar (though I forgot to switch him in the order here so just ignore that). Papa and Pain Train were actually playing to see who would be the first team to win 7 main bracket games in the consolation tournament, with Pain Train emerging victorious.

## The (UPDATED) History of the Top Seed

Not only does Paddock 9 join the long list of one-seeds who got bounced in the first roudn, but he does so with the second worst performance in one-seed history. RIPDab still takes the cake in 2011 after he pissed of Glorio.

## List of All Semifinals Performances

Updated 12.30.23

2023 performances in bold.

Paddock 9 with an all-time stinker, almost bad enough to make us forget how shitty Jared was the week before. ALMOST.

## Lowest Postseason Performances of All-Time

Top 15 worst game ever in the postseason for Papa.

## List of Cinco De Lose-O Champions

This week gave us the Glory Bowl rematch we didn't know we needed..and turns out we really didn't need! It was another narrow victory, and momma was able to come out victorious, but this time it was only for 5th place. It was, however, the first performance over 200 points in this game since 2019, when Idiots broke 300 in a trouncing of momma.

### Cinco De Lose-O Appearances by Team

Shotti is now the only active team to never win the 5th place game. Ha ha I guess?

## List of Bowl Games Played by Team

No new updates to this chart, as Pain Train avoided the Million Dollar Game and Duck wasn't able to win to visit the Heart and Soul Bowl for the first time.

## Above and Below

A chart to track how many games above/below projections for each team.

## Trade Tracker

### Nacua for Kupp

Starts (Paddock 9):

* 10

Starts (RIPDab)

* 11

Seems pretty clear to me who won this trade.

### Monty for Howell/Mostert

Starts (Paddock 9):

* David Montgomery - 5

Starts (Papa's Posse):

* Sam Howell - 1
* Raheem Mostert - 5

Basically a nothing trade. Neither team has had a winning record since this trade went down.

## Power Rankings - Bowl Week

### 1(2). The Shotti Bunch

Shotti is 4-0 in Glory Bowls and has never lost in a postseason where he scored 300 points at least once. The odds are in his favor and his team is hot. But nothing in fantasy is for certain, and the man who scored the most points on his team in week 16 did not take the field on Bowl week. Replacing Amari's 70 points may not be easy.

### 2(1). Sweet Dee

Did absolutely everything right last week, but still comes into the Glory Bowl as the underdog because they've had yet another challenge right before the final game. Losing Russ Wilson was a twist nobody saw coming. His performance in fantasy was always fine, but he went 1-3 over his last four games, including a loss to New England. Sweet Dee, with a ton of Browns stock already, probably made the wise choice in not starting Flacco against the Jets. However, it would have given them a huge lead as he scored 41.84 points on Thursday night.

### 3(4). Multiverse of Mattness

Mattness is a choke artist, plain and simple. His teams are built for 180-220 point games week in and week out, and can never hang when facing sustained big dawgs in the playoffs. That's all their is to it. Average bitch.

### 4(3). Paddock 9

The blow is numbed by P9 finishing the season with two losses instead of a perfect 14-0. It turns his story into just another great team that stumbled in the spotlight, instead of "the best team ever goes one-and-done." Now, without question, this is an all-time collapse. But it was gradual, not sudden. He wasn't scoring that great this entire month. So I think we can maybe cut the guy some slack and chances are pretty good he beats Mattness and becomes the first team to win a postseason contest in 13 seasons. Or was all that just a MattJinx?

### 5(9). RIPDab

RIPDab is off to a great start with his master plan to lose two months straight and then go bananas in the consolation tournament. Long con shit. The unfortunate reality of that plan is he now has to face Dallas Goedert, who he cast away earlier in the year. It's the kind of poetic justice a Fantasy God like Glorio lives for.

### 6(8). Pain Train

Favored by a point in the 9th vs. 10th Heart and Soul Bowl, but you cannot deny that he fits the bill. Few managers run their team with the vigor that Pain Train did after deciding this wasn't going to be his year. Now one may argue that he sold too soon. After all, Sweet Dee was 2-5 after 7 weeks and look at them go. But they set their lineup each week intending to dominate and for a while they did. Their lackluster 175-174 projection against RIPDab isn't indicative of all the raw energy coarsing through the veins of this showdown.

### 7(5). Papa's Posse

Too many injuries has sent Papa to a dark place, the Million Dollar Game, a contest he has always said if he were to lose he would quit. Nobody believes that, including Papa, but Duck should just let him win to be sure.

### 9(10). Ma ma momma said

Momma!! Sans Chase, momma got the job done.

### 10(7). The Stupid Idiots

Lost season for Idiots but next year is going to be great (or not, I don't know. I'm out of steam right now).

## Matchup of the Week: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

From November 2013-October 2022, Shotti went on a 12-2 run against Sweet Dee, one of the most dominant stretches by any one team against another in LOC history. However, Sweet Dee has won two straight against Shotti, including a postseason game last year and their lone meetup in September this season.

This battle, currently projected within one point, is off to an explosive start.

The Cleveland Combo of Ford and Njoku beat projections by a total of 34.80 points. But Breece Hall more than doubled his projection as well, putting Shotti right back in the race against Sweet Dee.

Tonight it is Dallas vs. Detroit, and Sweet Dee will take a huge risk with Brandin Cooks. Cooks has had quite a journey, starting a few games for Mattness after being dropped in October by Duck Punchers. But Mattness needed space to elevate a bunch of IR guys and dropped him, at which point he was picked up by Paddock 9 and never started. Now he joins his 4th roster in hopes of taking home the trophy, but his boom or bust status on the Cowboys means he is a huge risk/reward player in a Glory Bowl game.

This year is unique because NY is on Monday. Every remaining game will take place tomorrow. And to make things even weirder, the remaining 10 starters for The Shotti Bunch all play at 1pm. Sweet Dee is nearly the same. There are no night players going, and Dee has only Austin Ekeler to play in the 430 window. That means that by 4pm on Sunday, this matchup could already be over. If Shotti is down, it's done. If Shotti is up big, it's done. If it is close...Ekeler is the guy we all watch. And he has been a volatile player this year, which means if by some chance this is a close contest we will be in for a rollar coaster during Chargers/Denver.

Shotti catches a huge break with Waddle out, meaning Tyreek is going to get all the work he can handle for Miami. But Chantel has some luck on her side too. Coming off a terrible game, Aiyuk and CMC are in a boom spot for San Fran against a terrible Washington defense.

It might not be the contest we expected, but these two teams have been the hottest in the league over the last month of the year and backed up their runs to the playoffs with two dominant performances each in the Festival of Champions. Now, we will see if Shotti can reclaim his throne or if Sweet Dee rides a Ram RB and wears the crown for an improbable second time.

## Conclusion

I cannot believe another season is already in the books. And I think for the most part it was a solid year. One more chapter still to write though. Happy new year to everybody and let's see if I can keep this momentum going and get the Season Finale writeup done before August this time.