Finch: Systemic Catastrophic Atrophy

The spell was fucking impossible. It should be kind of like a mage hand, in theory -- manipulating shit from a distance. And Finch used to be real fucking good with mage hand, but he'd fallen out of practice a bit, and it was just getting on his last goddamn nerve. He couldn't get it. He was doing his fucking best, and the room was dark and quiet, and all right, fine, so he hadn't fucking slept in a while, but so fucking what? He should be able to *get* it.

When he woke up his neck and back hurt like hell, and he shifted around and realized his arm was around someone's shoulders. He acted without thinking about it, conducting lightning through his hand to make whoever was touching him fuck off -- some enemy gang had breached the bunker, thought it'd be fucking clever to kidnap one of the Cardinals, huh? Well, he wasn't fucking weak anymore. Maybe he didn't have telekinesis yet, but he could fry the fuck out of --

Out of Jonn. He stumbled into the wall and slid down it, blinking. Disoriented and sick to his stomach from too much vodka and -- no food? Yeah, not even 'not enough food' -- zero fucking food. And the sleep loss. And the barely being awake. He just thought -- figured -- everything was a threat, and …

"The fuck?" he croaked. "What're you doing?"

Jonn shivered and shook off the aftershock. "Sorry. Sorry. You were asleep on the desk. I was trying to get you to bed."

He sounded miserable. Finch remembered yelling at him before, and him getting that shut down look he got over it. Some shit about Maaki that he'd have to take care of, and fuckin' Goro had been in the bunker, and he'd been trying to figure out that fucking spell. Knew he'd overreacted and freaked Jonn out. He just wanted them to fucking -- leave him alone. Let him deal with shit.

"Just fucking wake me up next time."

"Sorry," Jonn said again. He padded over and offered Finch a hand up without looking at him.

Finch took it, dragging himself up and leaning on Jonn, scrubbing his other hand into his eyes. He had to scribble down dispatch orders for the baby birds, send Verthir out with them. Had to work out that goddamn spell so he could protect himself from shit. Had to handle the thing with Maaki. Fucking Maaki.

"Tell me what you fucking did with Maaki," he growled.

"Nothing. I just --." Jonn's voice cracked. "He wouldn't … give me your package, and …" He shifted Finch onto the bed. "I knew we couldn't afford it, but he wouldn't cut a deal with me, and … I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry."

"So you fucking made it worse. Great goddamn job." He was so tired of having to deal with this shit. There was always something. Spanners in the fucking works.

Jonn sniffled.

Finch thought about when he'd panicked in Wyn's guild housing and woken up swinging, and he'd accidentally hit Jonn in the face. He hadn't even had time to feel guilty about it, because Jonn had gone straight into telling him it was okay and hugging him, and then gotten him up to the roof where he could breathe better. It hadn't all really sunk in until the next day. Jonn did that shit all the time, though -- brought him coffee, brought him food, sat it right next to him so he'd actually eat it.

He used to do other shit. He'd pull Finch to bed, all wheedling, telling him he needed to rest, saying he was cold and Finch needed to warm him up. And Finch narrowed his eyes at first, but Jonn didn't even want to fuck, just legitimately wanted to curl up with him in bed and go to sleep. He used to hang off Finch's arm all the time, and come prop up on his shoulders when he was sitting at his desk. He used to ask, *What're you doing?* and sometimes explaining it to him helped Finch work it out himself. And then he'd always look so happy that he'd helped, and he'd hug Finch's neck and wander off to sit quietly and whittle, or hum to himself, and Finch didn't really mind the noise. It was sort of nice, somehow.

The thing was, he liked it when Jonn was happy.

That was fucking stupid, though. It wasn't that he liked it when Jonn was *happy*, it was that he liked it when Jonn wasn't *bothering* him. The whole thing with his memory getting fixed had fucked him up bad, and it wasn't Finch's job to coddle him. He should fucking go to his dad for that shit. Well -- he had fucked off with the Runners for a while, actually, but that'd just been a goddamn problem, too.

"You can't go disappearing with your dad and shit anymore," Finch said, face laying in his hands. "We can't take many more fuck-ups like this. You know how much more we're gonna have to pay to get shit from anyone but Maaki? Fuck." He rubbed his eyes again.

"I'm sorry." Jonn hadn't joined him on the bed -- gone over to the couch instead. "I'll … I'll pick up some side jobs."

"Yeah, sucking dick in the port isn't gonna fucking cover it."

"I'll do more."

"Yeah, fine." He sighed, hard. "God. No. That's a bad idea. Someone might fucking recognize you and …" He drew a thumb across his throat. "You'd need … more fucking security. Maybe I could send a baby bird with you to watch your back, or -- maybe Sparrow."

"Sparrow doesn't like me."

Finch cut a look at the green pseudodragon curled up on his pillow, then over at Jonn. "Yeah, well, Sparrow does what I fucking tell her to do."

Jonn curled his cloak around him, and Finch thought about Jonn coming to sit by him on the couch and wrapping blankets around them both, settling comfortably against his side.

"I'll do it," Jonn mumbled.

"Fuck me, at this rate I'm just gonna end up being a fucking pimp." Finch put his face in his hands again.

It made him feel sick. Like when Jonn had let Maaki fuck him, just -- worse. He didn't like the idea of Jonn out there, vulnerable and shit, getting diseases from strange sailors, getting hurt, going vacant like he did. Fucking unsettling. He didn't want Jonn coming home bruised and bleeding and even more fucked up in the head than he was normally.

It'd just … it'd be a lot of fucking hassle. He'd have to pay a cleric to fix Jonn up. Well -- except, Jonn's sister was a cleric, or maybe Goro would do it for free or cheap, since he gave a shit, apparently. Still, though, it was -- it'd be fucking distracting to have Jonn coming back at weird hours, and coming back fucked up, and Finch couldn't pay for him to live somewhere else. Asya, though. He could live with Asya.

Nah, it wouldn't work. He was too tired to figure out why just now, but there was some reason why Jonn couldn't go back to working on the street. Some good reason. He wouldn't argue -- wasn't like he liked it.

He'd seemed to like it when they actually slept together, though. Before. So it wasn't like …

Finch shook the thought off. He pushed back up from the bed. "I got shit to do. Can you avoid fucking up for a few hours?"

"You need to sleep," Jonn said quietly.

"I fucking got sleep." He scowled and waved it off, stumbling back to his desk to sit down heavily. "Now I've got work. Fuck off."

"Sorry." He stood up.

This fucking spell. The tiny letters swam on the page. "Bring me back something to eat," he called.

"Okay."

###

It was cold in the bunker. Finch missed having heat -- it was warm outside, but he didn't go outside. He stayed at his desk, and looked over maps and flowcharts, plans, spells, intelligence the baby birds had brought back. He was fucking cold, though, shifting in his chair, pulling his feet under him. Fucking Jonn was supposed to be here to get him a blanket or some shit. Never goddamn around when he was needed.

He was hungry, too. Ignored it and kept trying the spell, focusing on his empty bottle, trying to knock it over, not in the familiar way with mage hand, but building a new path, a new connection. It was hard to focus, though. He had so much shit to do. He just … He wanted to sit on the floor with his back in the corner and hide. He wanted to catch his breath. He felt fucking surrounded, and helpless, and --

There was a tap at the door, and Jonn slipped in. His bottom lip was split, and he locked the door back one-handed, carrying a paper sack with the other hand. He limped a little and set the bag on the corner of the desk silently, then went to sink into the couch.

"You took your fucking time," Finch snapped. He dug into the bag, then stopped. "Seriously? It's fucking cold. You know it's freezing down here and you fuck around and let the one hot meal I'm gonna fucking get go cold."

Jonn stared at him blankly for a second, then blinked and shook his head. "I'm -- I'm sorry. Took … took longer than I meant to to get home. I --." He pushed back up, wincing, and shuffled over to the desk, digging his coin purse out. It was heavy and fat. "I made some gold, though. It'd -- it'd cover Maaki's late fee. He said you could send someone … other than me."

"Fuck Maaki." Finch took the purse and started fingering through the gold, estimating how much there was. "Fucking burned that bridge." He frowned and looked back up at Jonn. "How'd you fucking get this much so fast? Why're you hurt?"

He shrugged a shoulder and went back to the couch. He sniffled.

"Jonn," Finch said sharply. "I told you to not fuck some goddamn -- it isn't fucking safe, you dumb shit. What, am I supposed to come rescue you when I hear the Fishers or the Bleeders fucking kidnapped my lieutenant? Am I supposed to pay your goddamn ransom somehow? For fuck's sake! Will you just fucking follow the plan and do what I tell you to fucking do?"

"I'm sorry." He wrapped himself up in his cloak, voice all quiet. "I was careful."

"You fucking got hurt!"

"Yeah, but it …"

"But fuckin' nothing! Don't do that shit anymore!" He jabbed a finger at Jonn. "Don't fucking question me, Jonn." That had to be why he was so fucking mad. Motherfucker wouldn't do what he was told. They had to just -- follow the plan. Everything'd go fine if they did.

"Okay. I'm sorry."

"You know you fuckin' need me," he threatened. "You don't see people lining the fuck up to put up with you, do you?"

"Goro …" He hesitated. "Said I could … stay at the castle for a couple days."

"No, you fucking can't. You can't just fuck off to Glimmerton whenever you feel like it! Fuck." He put his face in his hands, then ran his fingers through his hair, gritting his teeth. "What the fuck was that, anyway? What, you two are goddamn buddies now that he got you out of the Abbey?"

"I dunno." Jonn shifted uncomfortably.

"Is he fucking you?" Finch demanded.

"No!"

"Then he fucking wants something else out of you, and I don't fucking like it. I don't fuckin' like him."

Jonn opened his mouth and closed it, and looked down.

"What?"

"I -- nothing, I -- just." He shifted again. "Just, he's marrying my dad, so, he said, you know, that means we're, like, family or something, is all."

Finch snorted. "He's full of shit. Family doesn't mean fucking anything. Besides, what, like your dad's been fuckin' around for you lately?"

Jonn slouched down. That was -- shit. Finch shouldn't've said that. He really shouldn't. It was just fucking cruel to throw that at Jonn.

"You're a fucking adult," he said anyway, losing steam. "You don't need your fuckin' dad, all right? What, is Goro gonna fucking adopt you? You're only like ten goddamn years younger than him. Mask. Fucking grow up, Jonn."

He turned back to his books, hissing a sigh through his teeth and tugging a hand through his hair again, twisting the locs. He needed distraction. He needed to calm the fuck down. He needed to eat, and sleep. But he had -- so much goddamn work to do.

And since he'd fucking said it out loud, now he was thinking about Jonn curled up and crying about how his family didn't want him. How his dad had a better son, and Luci was a better sibling than he was, and how Hansel didn't need him anymore because he had his husband back, and had Goro, and whoever the fuck else. How Jonn had cried on his shoulder and clung to him about it. Jonn needed him, he told himself. He was doing Jonn a fucking favor.

Still shouldn't have said that thing about his dad, though.

He took a breath and pushed himself up, grabbing smaller bottle of strawberry vodka that Jonn liked off the shelf and going over to the couch. He dropped down next to Jonn, and Jonn edged away from him. Always used to lean on him and shit, annoy him with the fucking clinging.

"Come here." He gestured, and Jonn shifted closer again, looking wary. "The fuck happened to your goddamn lip, anyway?"

He doused a bit of the cuff of his sleeve in vodka and reached out to wipe at the cut, scowling, and Jonn held still until he was done, looking off to the side with a little bit of a wince.

"Uh," he said. "They … pushed my face into a wall."

"The fuck," Finch muttered. "Is that you being goddamn careful? It sounds like you got fucking mugged, not paid."

He shrugged a little and didn't answer. Some sick part of Finch wanted more details. He wanted to know who exactly the fuck had hurt Jonn and how so that he could do it back to them. Just -- send a message about what happened to people who did that shit to his lieutenant. Maybe he just wanted to feel like there was some problem he was actually able to solve. Maybe he just wanted someone else to fucking suffer.

He thought about Jonn limping after Maaki had fucked him. How he'd done that high-pitched laugh. He wasn't even laughing in some creepy fucking way, now -- he just looked defeated and sad.

"We're gonna fucking kill Maaki," Finch said. "Lark and I'll take care of it. That's what the motherfucker gets for disrespecting the Redbirds."

He passed Jonn the vodka, and Jonn held it without drinking any.

"I'm gonna …" He trailed off. "I wanna … stay with Asya, for a day or two. I missed her. Is that okay?"

"No," Finch said automatically. "You need to fucking stay here. I'm gonna need you to make deliveries and shit. I need you on fucking standby, not fucking around with Asya. She's not even fucking one of us. Besides, it's safer here and clearly I gotta keep a fucking eye on you."

On some level, Finch knew exactly what he was fucking doing. As soon as Jonn had choked out how his dad didn't need him anymore, something'd clicked. How Jonn was all attentive and how he always did what Finch told him. How eager he was to please, to the point of making Finch's skin crawl when he'd realized just how bad it was. Jonn was a broken little fuck, and he wanted someone to need him, and he was fucking wrecked by the idea that he wasn't needed by his family anymore. Finch thought it must be impossible for him to imagine just being wanted.

Which -- made sense. It was fucking Jonn. Who'd want him? Right.

So everything Finch said was on purpose. He needed Jonn, so Jonn needed him. No one else was fucking claiming him, no one else needed him. Only Finch. Asya couldn't be trusted, and Goro was full of shit, and Hansel didn't want him, and Roddy was better off without him, with Luci instead, because he was too fucking damaged to be around them. He'd just damage them too.

Finch was already damaged. Jonn had touched his scars gently and said he liked them.

That was a long time ago, though. A lot'd changed since that. Finch was fucking … busy, now; he was powerful and he wasn't giving it up, he wasn't fucking around and losing everything he finally had. Jonn was a goddamn spanner.

That was all.

Still -- on some level -- Finch knew that what he was doing here was fucking wrong.

He pushed back up from the couch and went back to his desk. Jonn stayed on the couch, and after a while, he sunk down and rolled over to sleep with his back to the room. That was where he slept most of the time, now, not in their bed. Finch's bed. It was only Finch's fucking bed.

Honestly, goddamn Jonn, just coming in here and acting like it was his fucking home for months, doing all that shit he did -- it wasn't like Finch had asked him for shit. He'd just done it. It wasn't Finch's fault that Jonn was fucked in the head and needed to feel needed so bad that he'd just … take Finch's shit. He shouldn't fucking do it, but if he was going to -- well.

Finch was a fucking pragmatist and Jonn was a resource, so he was going to take advantage. He shouldn't feel fucking bad about it. He didn't feel bad about it -- he didn't feel bad about the way Jonn wouldn't look at him anymore, and never touched him anymore, and slept on the couch now.

He had other shit to feel bad about. He was full up. And he didn't feel guilty about using and manipulating Jonn, because Jonn fucking needed him, anyway. He might as well goddamn get something out of it in return.

Jonn was the one who needed him. It wasn't like Finch wanted --