Fake TPOT 12: Death P.A.C.T. Takes a Holiday/part 1

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"**Death P.A.C.T. Takes a Holiday**" is the non-canon twelfth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 7 October 1976. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 12 (or even TPOT 2) comes out. This episode went by two previous titles: "**Tug of a Lifetime**" during its creation process and "**The Heist Is Right**", known as such before its sacrifice on Halloween 2021.

Previous episode: "Oratoria Polyglottica"

## Pre-credits scenes

### **Outside the filming area**

**Scene**Overcast sky. A black car drives along the road, about to pass a sign that says: "Welcome to Mahaliland: We're too ashamed to let you enter": the show's filming area. The car drives through anyway, not like anyone is guarding the place. The whole scene plays out to rather ominous music.
### **Outside the hotel**

**Scene**A lighter scene, with the usual conversational music. Cold Woe Bunch (the team formerly known as team8s) sit outside, discussing team plans. **Yellow Face** and **Bottle** are chasing each other through the land, making "meuh-meuh-meuh" and "la-la-la" noises in the background.
* **P****i****n**: So, team leader Donut, what is the first part of our agenda?
* **Donut**: Well, I don't have anything written down.
* **Co****i****ny**: I've been thinking, how about we gather all the old members of our team and form the real W.O.A.H. Bunch?
* **Barf** **Bag**: But this is the real W.O.A.H. Bunch. Or at least its successor, sort of like how today's Goikyan USSR is a successor to Goikyan Czarist Russia.
* **Co****i****ny**: Enough talk about the Czar; it's time to start gathering!

[*He pulls out a list of former members of W.O.A.H. Bunch from the days of BFDIA. Pin and Donut stand around, while Barf Bag looks confused.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Let's see: Bomby and Needle are eliminated, but because "once a W.O.A.H. Buncher, always a", they're with us in spirit. Now, Teardrop and Spongy, they're not even on the show...
* **Donut**: You really added a lot of people while I was away, didn't you?
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah, well, it was the most ambiguous of times.
* **P****i****n**: He was desperate.
* **Co****i****ny**: Pin, you can do a Teardrop impression, right?

[*Pin says nothing.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: And Barf Bag, you can be Spongy. Deal?
* **Barf** **Bag**: [*imitating Spongy*] No.
* **Donut**: Hey, there's someone else on this list you haven't mentioned.
* **P****i****n**: Who's that?

[*Meanwhile, with Just Not, who are also sitting in a half-circle by the hotel.* **Book** *sits off to the side, kind of nervous.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Oh, I don't want to be eliminated!
* **N****a****ily**: I hate to say this, but you're a little vulnerable. No offence.
* **Nic****k****el**: Nah, I feel safe. Apparently, I have the backing of a massive ad campaign!

[*Jump cut to the same Indian city where Saw's billboard was in episode 8. Saw's picture and name have been scribbled off and replaced with a crudely-drawn picture of Nickel and the words "Save Nickel (Vote [E])" on it. Back to the present, a letter seemingly falls from the sky, until a zooming-out reveals that Yellow Face has dropped it from the big tree.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Hey, it's a letter!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Which one? I'm personally a fan of *P*.

[*Nickel opens the letter.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Hmm, it's an invitation. They want me to join Cold Woe Bunch.
* **C****a****ke**: Don't do it, Nickel!
* **N****a****ily**: Peer pressure is wrong.
* **Pill****ow**: Naily is 92% correct!

[*Naily, Price Tag and Pillow all make the >:3 face.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: No worries, guys. I'm not leaving for that team anyway. They'll just use Coiny and me to make money again.
* **N****a****ily**: Good choice.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: #FightTheCoinExploitation!
* **C****a****ke**: Yeah, we love your being here.

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: Well, one of you *won't* be here after this episode, because it's time for the twelfth Cake at Stake of *The Power of TwoOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*The intro plays.*]

## Pre–Cake at Stake

* **C****l****o****c****k**: But first we have to get... d'um.
* **Two**: Eh? What's that, Clock?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I was sure someone was dead.
* **Two**: No, nobody's dead! We've even got a surplus of contestants after I learnt of my egg-stra blunder.

[*Two points at The Strongest Team on Earth sitting in the audience: Humorously,* **Eggy** *is next to* **Gy**, *the bottom counterpart of her broken top half.*]

* **E****g****gy**: [*to Gy*] Am I *your* mother or are you mine?
* **Two**: And now, we can finally start Cake at Stake!

## Cake at Stake

### **Cake at Stake place**

**Scene**After the Cake at Stake song plays.
* **C****a****ke**: Aw, I'm going to miss this song.
* **Two**: You really like it? Hold on, let me call my songwriter and tell her she's no longer fired. [*Beat.*] No, that can wait. Now, Just Notions, you lost last episode, which means the one who got the fewest votes will go... [*points at the Filing Cabinet, whose door is opened*] in there.
* **N****a****ily**: Grody.
* **Two**: We got [*number*] votes in this episode! So let's see who got the most votes: Book! I don't know what the EP you did, because you were hardly present at the last challenge, but you got the most votes, with [*number*].
* **Bo****ok**: It was nothing, really. Oh, Tree...

[*Pause.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Not to be rude or anything, but shouldn't I get a prize for being safe?
* **Two**: [*awkwardly*] Yeah... about that... Today, I was going to give out strawberry cakes—

[*Cake gasps.*]

* **Two**: But then I realized that one of you is already a cake, and... yeah. [*Beat.*] I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd lose last episode!
* **C****a****ke**: [*bitterly*] It's fine. Just don't eat it in front of me or anything like that.
* **Bo****ok**: Hey, how about we all refrain from eating our prizes in front of our teammate and friend!
* **Eraser**: [*from the audience*] Better yet, just send it to me.
* **Two**: That's a good idea.
* **Golf Ball**: And tasteless.
* **Eraser**: *All* cake is good cake.
* **C****a****ke**: [*Aside, to Nickel.*] He's talking about morals, right?

[*Two redirects the cake-sender-scoop-thrower to Eraser's mouth.*]

* **Two**: There.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: So who else is safe?
* **Two**: Taggy, you are number two.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Ah yeah!

[*Two flings a piece of cake into Eraser's mouth (as they do for the other safe contestants).*]

* **Eraser**: Om-nom-nom-nom-nom. You said *number two*, heh heh, *two*, heh heh. [*extremely deep voice*] Scat.
* **P****en**: That's a little out of line, Rase.
* **Two**: Third safe: Nick—
* **Co****i****ny**: Join us, W.O.A.H. Buncher!
* **Two**: —el.

[*Nickel shakes his head with a worried expression.*]

* **Two**: Fourth... Naily. Voters must really be fans of people who say they're cats.
* **N****a****ily**: That *or* they just like my >:3 face.
* **Two**: Yes. That. Cake and Pillow, it's down to you.
* **C****a****ke**: Bottom two? That's not good.
* **Pill****ow**: Yes! I'm finally in the bottom number of our host!
* **Two**: Pillow, you wouldn't be so sad if you were eliminated, would you?
* **Pill****ow**: Define *sad*, because all I'm thinking of is *stuffy and duckwheat*.
* **Bo****ok**: It's *buckwheat*.
* **Pill****ow**: Not 47 years from now!
* **Two**: Good, because with [*number*] votes, you are eliminated!
* **Pill****ow**: Yay!
* **C****a****ke**: Pillow, I don't think that's really a good thing.
* **Pill****ow**: Nay!

[*Two uses their powers to transport* **Pillow** *to the Filing Cabinet. She disappears through the portal.*]

* **Pill****ow**: Ooh, I know where this portal leads toooooooooooooo!
* **E****g****gy**: That was *so* not my reaction.

## Pre-contest

### **Outside the hotel**

**Scene**Two is about to announce the next contest, but less than half of the contestants are listening. (Eraser is looking in the opposite direction.) Two doesn't seem to mind.
* **Two**: Do you want to know something interesting about this contest?
* **Snowball**: No, we don't want to know nothing!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*Aside, to Fanny.*] Anti-intellectual.
* **Fan****ny**: Knowledge hater!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, entertain us, Two.
* **Two**: This is our *twelfth* contest!

[*Everyone cheers.*]

* **Two**: By coincidence, there are six teams of you. Twelve divided by six is two! Did you know that?
* **Golf Ball**: Everyone knows that!
* **Snowball**: *I* don't know that!

[*Golf Ball snorts.*]

* **Two**: And what better way to celebrate the number of teams and the number of me than to have a very special challenge, testing out the strength of all of you at once?
* **Yellow Face**: Can you be more specific?
* **Bot****tle**: Yeah, more pacific!
* **Two**: Today's challenge is going to be... [*Two's eyes get shadowed through special effects*] an inter-team war.
* **Snowball**: War? ***SNOWBALL LOVE WAR! MMM-BOP!***

[*Snowball throws* **Grassy** *to the ground. Basketball looks at him with eyes of anger and horror.*]

* **Ghost of** **Gra****ssy**: [*echoing*] I'm ghostly!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Again?
* **Ghost of** **Gra****ssy**: Again!
* **Snowball**: ***YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!***
* **Fan****ny**: Lightning, don't look.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: But I've got to—
* **Fan****ny**: Don't you *dare* turn your eyes!

[*Lightning turns around to see Snowball beating his chest (as those around him roll their eyes). He pogs.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Holy *blitz*, that's hot.

[*Fanny glares at him.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Hot, as in the temperature out here. I'm digging that, em, equatorial summer heat, heh.
* **Fan****ny**: Mm-hmm.
* **Two**: *We* are going to have a tug-of-war contest.
* **Donut**: Isn't that a little repetitive?
* **Two**: I know that tug of war was the first contest from BFDIA. [*to Cold Woe Bunch*] And your team lost, by the way.
* **G****at****y**: Ha, ha.
* **Two**: But this is different. This is *The Power of Two!* And in this episode's fight for limitless power, your contest is a six-way tug of war!

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **S****aw**: That's so strange! I don't think I've ever heard of that before!
* **Two**: Yep! It will be team against team against team against team against team against team! Now, in case any of you are like me and had no idea what tug of war was until a couple of hours ago, let me explain.
* **Bo****ok**: That's always a good idea.
* **Two**: [*opens a dictionary*] Tug of war is a sprot—sic—in which tEams—the *E* is capitalized, by the way— must pulll—there are three *L*'s...

[*Eraser suddenly grabs Pen and takes him behind a bush.*]

* **P****en**: Hey, what's going on?
* **Eraser**: You'll be happy to know that your death-preventing days are over.

[*Eraser draws his brother's attention to a hooded figure dressed as a plague doctor, bird's beak and all.*]

* **P****en**: [*Aside.*] Why's that guy dressed as a nuclear-sceptic yippie?
* **Eraser**: Bruh.
* **P****en**: Sorry, man. Where are my manners? [*waves*] Hi there!
* **Eraser**: This guy isn't esteemed and it's not a "cryptic hippie" either. He's trash like you and me.

[*Before Pen can object, the hooded figure reveals himself: It's* **Blocky**. *Pen looks at him in surprise.*]

* **Blocky**: Too *un-trash* for you now, bro?
* **P****en**: Blocky?!
* **Eraser**: Happy birthday.
* **P****en**: It's not my birthday.
* **Eraser**: Then happy conversion day.
* **P****en**: Gee, Blocky, it's so great to see you in our, like, world! Hug?
* **Blocky**: The frick, man, I ain't touching—oh, fine.

[*Blocky stands on his tiptoes to give Pen a quick squeeze.*]

* **Eraser**: Well, this is awkward.
* **Blocky**: Bwahaha, virtual wedgie from Goikyan New York!
* **Eraser**: Better.
* **P****en**: So you're in the GNYC, eh? I *love* that city!
* **Blocky**: *Love?* [*about Pen*] Looks like this dude's been crazified.
* **Eraser**: That's why I called you over here.
* **Blocky**: To bring Pen back to his BFDI-era mannerisms of indifference and manipulation?
* **Eraser**: No, Blocky, to teach Golf Ball how to say *fart* in Lebanese. /s
* **Blocky**: How about you get in my car and I'll take you to the solution. [*Beat.*] And it's *foss*. That's right, Daddy knows *only* the dirty words.
* **P****en**: You mean get into someone's car? I've got to think about i—*yes.*
* **Eraser**: 'Kay, Pen, this ain't just *someone*. This is Blocky.
* **Blocky**: Damn right it's Blocky. Thought we were tight, my man.
* **Eraser**: Hell yeah! You, me, Pen, we were once the Three Musketeers together.

[*Jump cut to an old postcard of Blocky, Eraser and Pen dressed as Athos, Porthos and Aramis with the word "NO." on it.*]

* **P****en**: That was a terrific book.
* **Eraser**: [*Aside.*] He's starting to read.
* **Blocky**: That's it, you're coming with us.

[**Blocky** *and* **Eraser** *get in the car.* **Pen** *follows, reluctantly.*]

* **Eraser**: *Andiamo!*
* **Blocky**: By the way... is Grassy still on this show?
* **Eraser**: Yeah, he's on Snowball's team.
* **P****en**: Snowball just killed him.
* **Blocky**: The frick!? *No one* hurts one of my boys! [*hits the steering wheel*] Keep it running.

[*Rock music is blaring so loudly from the car radio that we can't hear the scene outside. Blocky hides behind the bush and grabs Snowball standing next to it. The viewers can see Blocky yelling at him and slapping him hard across the face repeatedly. Snowball whimpers and crawls back on all fours to his confused team, much like a dog. Enter* **Blocky** *again, dusting his hands together.*]

* **Blocky**: Fixed it. What do you say?
* **P****en**: I can see why Snowball never hangs out with us these days.
* **Eraser**: He means *let's go*!

[*As the car drives off.*]

* **P****en**: Oh boy, I wonder how Golf Ball would feel that we're out.
* **[** **Eraser** · **Blocky** **]**: Shut up, Pen!

[*Back in the contest area.*]

* **Two**: [*still reading*] ... and the teaṃ—the *m* has one of those dots that fall under it—that falleth—yes, *falleth*—down is *snot* the Wie... Wiener?
* **Winner**: Winner! [*Beat.*] I said my name.
* **Two**: [*to everyone*] Alright, everyone, that was quite a lot to process, and I hope to never have to read anything like that ever again. You've got two hours to prepare and train for this very difficult, yet short, challenge. Go!

## Contest prep (and road scenes)

### **Outside (Contest area)**

**Scene**The contestants have to prepare for the big tug-of-war competition in two hours. Since it is clear that one can't exactly gain extreme strength in 120 minutes, they do not do much.
#### With Just Not

* **Nic****k****el**: Oh no, Just Not, Book's the only one who has arms here! There's no way we can win.
* **C****a****ke**: Don't say it like that, I am very confident that our literary friend is strong enough.
* **Bo****ok**: Well, Nickel's right. I'm not exactly the *brawniest* of people.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Aww.
* **Bo****ok**: But I am strong in one place.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Where's that?
* **Bo****ok**: Up in here. [*points to her insides*]
* **N****a****ily**: Well, that was unexpected.
* **C****a****ke**: That's perfect! You probably have a "How to win tug of war" page in there, right?

[*Enter* **Basketball**.]

* **Baske****t****ball**: OMP, your team's got only one person who can pull the rope.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: We're working on it, Basketball!
* **N****a****ily**: Besides, even with one person, we are still the strongest team on Earth.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Um, did you forget? That's our name!
* **N****a****ily**: Sure, but look at the guy that gave you it.

[*Snowball is lying on the ground like in BFDI 8.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, we don't talk about that. He's been in this weakened state ever since he crawled behind that bush.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I think that counts as talking about it. [*Beat.*] Well, good luck.
* **N****a****ily**: You're going to need it, nyeh-heh-heh!

[*Exit* **Basketball**.]

#### With Death P.A.C.T. Again

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: All right, it looks like we have a bit of a dilemma here.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: What's that?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We don't have enough object-power, to pull the rope in the six-way tug-of-war competition.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Well, Tree's quite beefy for a nerd. If he weren't constantly sulking, I'd consider going with him, I would. Why don't we go ask him to help us?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Because he's constantly sulking.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: He has missed Cake at Stake, and he wants no contact with the outside world.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, he's not. Look at our window.

[*The whole team turn around to face Tree, who has been watching them forlorn. He quickly turns around and walks back to his "bed".*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: OMC, what a drama queen.
* **Fan****ny**: Lightning!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Like, you mustn't let your emotions get the better of you; it makes you look weak. Look at Snowball, for example.

[*Lightning points at Snowball, who is still on the ground.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: He's never faced upwards with me around.
* **Fan****ny**: First of all, what's that got to do with anything? I hate superfluous conversations! And second, what do you mean "emotions make you look weak"?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Oh, er, so to clarify...
* **Fan****ny**: It is perfectly fine to express your feelings if they come naturally to you, and I hate anyone who thinks otherwise! I have no idea why you're one to say that either, Lightning, considering you are one of the least emotionless people I know!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wow. Those are, those are some really good words of wisdom there, Fanny.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Yes... [*looks down*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Let's just give Tree time to come our way.

#### With Are You Okay

* **Golf Ball**: Are You Okay!
* **[** **Puffball** · **T****V** **]**: Yeah?
* **Golf Ball**: Wait. I heard two voices less than there should have been. Where are those two good-for-nothing guidos [*pronounced "guide-O's"*] anyway?
* **Puffball**: Slow your roll, GB. That's not a nice thing to say.
* **T****V**: And it's pronounced /ˈɡwidoʊz/. [*Aside.*] Not like it matters to someone like you.
* **Puffball**: Mm-hmm.
* **Golf Ball**: Whatever. My main goal is not to be nice. Our team is in great danger. With three members, three of whom are not so useful, the chances of our team losing is 27.63%!

[*Puffball and TV look worried. Golf Ball immediately changes her attitude.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Luckily, I have an invention that might help us!
* **Puffball**: I'm afraid you'll have to help yourself, because TV and I can do this challenge ourselves.
* **T****V**: Yeah!
* **Golf Ball**: That's the kind of confidence our team needs in the absence of our two physically strongest players!
* **T****V**: So true.
* **Puffball**: [*trying not to laugh*] Wait, you think Pen's one of the strong ones?
* **Golf Ball**: Well, he played sportsball, didn't he?
* **T****V**: You don't need to lift a thousand pounds to throw a baseball.
* **Puffball**: It's called *pitching*.
* **Golf Ball**: This discussion is going nowhere. My invention, we'll win, no matter what!

### **On the road (Desert)**

**Scene****Blocky** drives through the desert that has been seen so many times in BFDIA (though it's not the same desert as the one in BFB; that was in the south, in Botswana). Rock music is still playing on his radio. Meanwhile, **Eraser** and **Pen** are in the back because there is a suitcase in the passenger's seat.
* **P****en**: Oh yeah, I'm real strong.
* **Eraser**: Mm-hmm, bro, we could totally tell by the way you climbed in here like you had no other choice. /s
* **P****en**: That's because I didn't. Where are we going anyway?
* **Blocky**: You, me, Eraser, we're getting our old life back. We are going on a heist.
* **P****en**: A heist?
* **Blocky**: [*pleasantly*] A heist is a large-scale theft from an institution. Facts. We might even get to the killing later.
* **P****en**: Killing?
* **Eraser**: See? Now, you're getting it! [*to Blocky*] For the last few months, this dude was hanging out with Death P.A.C.T.
* **Blocky**: Again?
* **Eraser**: Yep, and that's their name. *Death P.A.C.T. Again*.
* **Blocky**: Tsst, that's so square.
* **P****en**: Eyy! They're good people!
* **Blocky**: To think you were one of us, Pete.

### **Contest area**

**Scene**32 minutes into the contest prep. (The time is displayed on the screen.)
#### With The S!

[*The members of The S! are placing a very thick leather glove on Winner's arm.*]

* **Winner**: Er, are you sure you should be tightening this on me now? We've got, like, ninety minutes left.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Steady on, comrade, you have to get used to the feeling. Besides, this glove perfectly fits you like a... like a glove.
* **Bot****tle**: It's funny because you made a joke!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Oh no, what have I done?
* **S****aw**: Well, it's almost all wrapped up, so you should feel gr***8*** in no time.
* **Cloudy**: And I'll feel great as long as you give me back my glove from my collection after the contest.
* **Winner**: Right-o.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yeah, yeah, no problem.
* **S****aw**: Hey, Clock, can I tug from the way back of the rope?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Do you have the endurance?
* **G****at****y**: I don't know. Do *you?*
* **Winner**: Mmbєhєhєhєhє, she called you out!

[*Clock tries not to laugh.*]

* **Bot****tle**: Oh, can I pull from the end too?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*serious again*] Why would I let you do that? You'd die.
* **Bot****tle**: I've died before! It's no problem, really!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yeah, but that's something we're trying to prevent here, so it's a hard no from me.
* **Bot****tle**: Then I'm so excited to start tugging the middle of the rope instead!

[*Beat.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Damn, I'm starting to sound like Death P.A.C.T.

#### With Death P.A.C.T. Again

* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*who has been eavesdropping*] Is somebody after comparing himself to our team?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's probably nothing.

[*Suddenly, enter* **Tree** *from the hotel.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: My goodness. You're here.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Tree-yee, are you done with your vow of silence yet?

[*He nods.*]

* **Fan****ny**: Any first words?
* **T****r****e****e**: Why is it so bright out here?
* **Fan****ny**: I know!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: We're just glad that you've made it out here with us now.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And we have a plan for today's contest.
* **T****r****e****e**: What's that?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's a six-way tug of war.
* **T****r****e****e**: That seems a little impractical.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote's going to tell you all about it.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So I will be the one closest to the centre of the star formation, because it is strategically the best position for someone with my kind of strength. [*to Black Hole*] Thank you, by the way.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No problem.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And Black Hole is going to stand in the back so that he can provide us gravitational support, without getting too close to you.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, Remote, you're forgetting, that I haven't had the urge to suck Tree up in ages.

[*Lightning looks up to think for a bit. His eyes get big.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: S- so to clarify, does that mean—
* **Fan****ny**: Do *not* continue!
* **T****r****e****e**: Ugh, this talk took a stupid turn. You're all starting to sound like you-know-who. *No one* say his name.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Huh?
* **Fan****ny**: He's talking about Pen!
* **T****r****e****e**: Nnngh, yes, I mean P—

[*He sees that Remote has frozen when she heard his name.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Remote? Holy moly!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: She's frozen up.

#### With The Strongest Team on Earth

[*Fade to this team, preparing at the 54-minute mark.* **Gy** *is repeatedly kicking* **Snowball**, *who is lying on the ground.*]

* **E****g****gy**: Come on, Snowball, we need to do the challenge! My lack of arms is seriously hindering our progress, and yes, I just said that so you could get up.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Ah, it's no use convincing him.
* **E****g****gy**: Yet I've always been told to believe in the power of words.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Says who?

[*Snowball's mouth begins to open.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Hey, his mouth is beginning to open!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Let's toss some dirt into it!
* **Baske****t****ball**: No, wait, he's about to say something.
* **E****g****gy**: Finally!

[*Snowball breathes in a bit.*]

* **Snowball**: [*getting up*] ***BRING BACK GRASSY!***

[*Basketball, Eggy and Robot Flower look at one another, shocked.*]

### **On the road (Mountains)**

**Scene**Steep mountain roads. Not surprisingly, Blocky handles it like a pro. Pen still sits in the back seat with a colouring book.
* **Eraser**: Can't believe it's been an hour and we've already passed five landscapes.
* **Blocky**: *Five*? Don't tell me you're with those Math Geeks Again too, Rase. Just say *chiz-load*!
* **Eraser**: Hey, that's enough talking about us, how's your life been?
* **Blocky**: Oh, I souped this baby up to go past every frickin' speed limit. Right now, we're faster than the speed of sound.
* **P****en**: So that's what that noise was.
* **Eraser**: Yeah, boyee. But seriously, I was asking about you.
* **Blocky**: Man, the first thing you gotta talk about with a guy is his car.
* **Eraser**: That a law?
* **Blocky**: Ever watched *Gone in 64 Seconds*?
* **Eraser**: Nah, me and Pen are a bit behind the times. But we do have a TV in our hotel room.
* **P****en**: He's terrific!

[*Blocky smiles at the rear-view mirror as if Pen were a child.*]

* **Blocky**: Oh yeah? [*noticing*] Haha, I see you like that colouring book, huh. Still spending time on art, aren't ya?
* **P****en**: Not exactly. It's awfully hard to keep busy without my other buddies around.
* **Eraser**: Classic "people-loving people person" Pen. [*snorts*]
* **P****en**: Blocky, why's this car got a colouring book... "for children"?
* **Blocky**: If you were thinking I got this just for you, I didn't.

[*Blocky smirks.*]

### **Contest area**

**Scene**99 minutes into the contest prep.
#### With Cold Woe Bunch

[**Coiny** *has a discussion with his teammates as he reminisces about the first challenge of BFDIA.*]

* **Yellow Face**: And I was on the other team!
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh, mint, it was intense. All these people kept pulling and pulling until it was down to the three of us standing on a cliff.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Then what happened?
* **Donut**: They fell. With me, of course.
* **P****i****n**: It wasn't a really bad fall because we landed on voting platforms, but we were the first team to lose in BFDIA.
* **Co****i****ny**: So glad that none of us got that treatment afterwards.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Yeah, that must kind of suck. Anyway, team, what's our plan to win against the others here?
* **Co****i****ny**: Well, I found these shoes lying around... [*He shows his team four pairs of football boots*]
* **Cloudy**: [*off-screen*] "Found"? Coiny!
* **Co****i****ny**: And guess what? There are eight of them—two for each legged member of our team!
* **Yellow Face**: Hey, what about me?
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh, um, you can still stick to the ground, right?
* **Yellow Face**: Got glue?
* **Co****i****ny**: Even better!

[*Coiny brings out the numeric membrane glue from BFB 17.*]

* **Yellow Face**: [*angelic sounds*] ♫ Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ♫—*bleh.*

#### With Death P.A.C.T. Again

[**Remote** *sits by herself, frozen in place. Enter the other members of her team with snacks.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Heyyyy, Remote, don't know if you're feeling better. Sweets?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Why not.

[*Lightning gives her some candy.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I hope we're not bothering you, but what's going on?
* **T****r****e****e**: Why'd you freeze when I said Pen's name?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Because it's about him.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Oh, dear.
* **T****r****e****e**: I will snap a jerk. [*Everyone looks at him.*] He won't die from that, remember?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think he has been abducted.
* **The rest of the team**: What?
* **T****r****e****e**: Why would anybody want to abduct Pen? Even a non-sentient writing utensil would be more valuable!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, they could have taken you instead.
* **Fan****ny**: Before they realized that you aren't much good as a person and threw you out.
* **T****r****e****e**: Okay, can we stop it with the "Tree bad"? I get it now.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Remote, do you think you know who Pen was nobbled by?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: The captor was wearing the national costume of Plague-Doctor-Landia.
* **T****r****e****e**: Suppose that narrows it down to about fifteen people on the planet.

[*A realization-type lightbulb appears above Remote.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But wait. Underneath that costume, according to my Object Texture Recognition, there was a small-ish cube made of wood.
* **Fan****ny**: Uh oh.
* **T****r****e****e**: It must be Pencil coming to take back her lover boy after getting size reduction surgery. /s
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Oh, really? I thought it was Blocky.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate Blocky!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I do too. His team hacked me from the Moon.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, I'm not really a fan either. That he does nothing but kill people gives me such a strange mixture of revulsion and eye-roll-itis.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, we have to go over, to wherever it is that Blockys go, so we can save Pen. The chance that he *dies*, if they're together for too long, is not zero.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But what about the challenge?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: The challenge can wait.

[*He floats upwards.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: The life of a pledged death preventer, not to mention *our friend*, is on the line.
* **T****r****e****e**: *Our* friend? Forget it.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Look, you can choose to stay here if you want. But just remember, you'll be missing out on this huge experience that, who knows, could help us develop more team spirit in future challenges. And we could well use the extra hands, because saving someone from death, is quite a laborious task.
* **T****r****e****e**: Thanks, but... no thanks.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*floats away*] See you round, I guess.

[*Exit* **Black Hole**, *sad.* **Lightning** *flies off as well, carrying both* **Remote** *and* **Fanny** *on his back. Tree is left alone, again.*]

### **On the road (Tundra)**

**Scene**Somewhere in northern Russia. Midnight sun without it explicitly being midnight. Eraser is eating a hamburger and Pen is looking out the window with binoculars.
* **Eraser**: And he was like, "Broooooooooooooo", and then Grassy died.
* **Blocky**: I've barely got an issue with Snowball, but he goes wild like this— [*snaps his finger*] Know what I mean?
* **Eraser**: For sure. Well, he's The Strongest Team on Earth's problem now.
* **Blocky**: Again with the stupid team names!
* **Eraser**: Think that's bad? We're Are You Okay. And half the time, none of us are!

[*He and Blocky laugh raucously. Eraser accidentally drops a tomato slice from his burger onto the floor of the back seats.*]

* **Eraser**: Oh, zoot, my tomato. Pen, you think you could pick that up?
* **P****en**: It's on the floor.
* **Eraser**: It ain't going to be for eating, you *santarellino*, I'm going to throw it out the window.
* **P****en**: Littering causes death, Eraser.
* **Eraser**: Dude, we're out in nature. Tomatoes are nature, I think.
* **Blocky**: [*as Pen leans down to get the tomato, off-screen*] Yeah, we're just restoring Ma Earth to Ma Earth. "Save your planet" or some eco-chiz-talk like that.
* **Eraser**: So true.

[*Pen finds a stamp-sized picture on the ground. He picks it up, intrigued.*]

* **Eraser**: You okay down there, kid?
* **P****en**: Yeah, think I just found something.
* **Eraser**: Pick it up and let me see.

[*Pen brings the picture to light. In it, we can see Blocky and Taco standing next to each other, in front of a building that says "Woody's Funny Doings International". He shows Eraser the stamp.*]

* **Eraser**: Dude, since when were you in business with *Taco?*

[*Blocky immediately stops the car and starts to yell.*]

* **Blocky**: *Alright, **WHO TOLD?***
* **Eraser**: Huh?
* **Blocky**: ***Who told yous that Taco and I are together? FRICK!***
* **P****en**: Whoa, buddy, just relax!
* **Eraser**: We couldn't have assumed that.
* **P****en**: You know we watched *The All-New BFB*!

[*Blocky goes back to normal.*]

* **Blocky**: Ha! It was a *prank!* I'm totally rational about my "Blocco" relationship. [*starts the car again*] So you seriously didn't know?
* **P****en**: I didn't!
* **Eraser**: Seemed like every time you wanted to be cool, Taco'd be like, [*imitating Taco*] "Bloc-kyyyyyy!"
* **P****en**: He does a good Taco impression.
* **Blocky**: To have someone scream out your name like that, gets me frickin' *going*, dude. [*makes obnoxiously suggestive breathing noises*]
* **P****en**: So then what happened?
* **Blocky**: Well, Flower won the prizes, we all went our separate ways, the Togster caught up with me and before we knew it we were... Wait, why am I telling *you* what we did? Of all the people in the world, *you* should know, Mr. Strange-New-Bedfellow-Every-Episode!

[*Eraser nudges Pen, who looks up to think for a bit. His eyes get big.*]

* **P****en**: You've gotta know that I've changed.
* **Blocky**: Changed what, Casanova?
* **P****en**: Caps, Blocky. /s

[*Eraser laughs out loud.*]

### **Contest area**

**Scene**A few minutes after the previous contest scene.
#### With Just Not

* **C****a****ke**: Come on, Book, we want to help!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: We could hang upside down while you pull.
* **N****a****ily**: But isn't there a danger that your emotions will be misunderstood?
* **C****a****ke**: What gave you that impression?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, even if you put me in front of a mirror, you can clearly see how I feel. What do you think, Book?

[*Book has turned her attention to Tree, who is sitting alone. He does not notice her, but he suddenly gets up.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Exclamation! [*He walks over to Book.*]
* **Bo****ok**: [*to her team, not looking at them*] Yeah, go on. Please excuse me for a minute.
* **T****r****e****e**: Book, I need your help.
* **Bo****ok**: Hey! What's the issue?
* **T****r****e****e**: You double as a directory for washed-out has-beens, yeah?
* **Bo****ok**: Well, yeah... why?
* **T****r****e****e**: Can you tell me where Blocky lives?
* **Bo****ok**: Sure. Why'd you ask?
* **T****r****e****e**: It's about you-know-who.
* **Bo****ok**: Heeding my advice, are you now?

[*She opens herself so that Tree can see Blocky's address.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: I... have to go to the Pillary Ruins?
* **Bo****ok**: Don't do it. This information has not been updated since 1972. I've been too busy with the competition since then, and—
* **T****r****e****e**: Any info, up-to-date or not, is helpful. Those people have no idea where they're going.

[**Tree** *runs off.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Um... you're welcome!

### **Outside the filming area**

**Scene****Black Hole** passes the "Welcome to Mahaliland" sign on the outskirts of Two's domain. **Lightning**, **Fanny** and **Remote** are positioned together, flying next to him.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: None of us have any idea where we're going, do we?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Let it be known that I have with me the most recent *metadata* of the former BFB contestants.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What does it say?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hold on.

[*Jump cut to Remote in the Data Void, the part of the universe I used to call the "dark web".*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Downloading "Contestant Locations".

[*Jump back to the scene.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Here are the coordinates. Forty degrees—

[**Tree** *can suddenly be seen, shouting from the ground.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: ***GO TO THE PILLARY RUINS!***
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Tree! Halt, friends.

[*Black Hole and Lightning fly downwards.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: [*out of breath*] You have to go to the Pillary Ruins.
* **Fan****ny**: What the hell are you babbling on about?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think she means, "What the hell are you babbling on about, dude."
* **T****r****e****e**: That's where Blocky lives. Book said so.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Book?
* **T****r****e****e**: Yes. Her data may be outdated by four years, but—
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: There, there's no need for that location right now. We have Blocky's current address, courtesy of Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: He lives on Long Island, in the United Goikyan States.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Then that's where we're flying.
* **T****r****e****e**: So I ran all this way for... nothing?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, not for nothing. You did exercise.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: And a guy always looks good after a nice workout.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: More importantly, you ran all this way, because you want to save Pen.
* **T****r****e****e**: You'll never get me to admit that, Black Hole. I *won't*, I said!

[*Jump cut to Tree being carried by Lightning (right next to Remote and Fanny).*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*flying*] I knew you'd come through, Tree.
* **T****r****e****e**: Can somebody please move? There isn't enough room up here.
* **Fan****ny**: Oh, no, you are *not* going to pull a Gelatin and—
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I think I know an alternative form of transport.

### **On the road (Forest)**

**Scene**Blocky drives through the forest in the rain at a slightly slower speed.
* **P****en**: It rains a lot here, eh?
* **Blocky**: What else can you expect in New York, man?
* **Eraser**: Lucky. Where we live—where you *lived*—we never get any rain.
* **Blocky**: If Firey lived in this weather, I could kill him a whole lot more.
* **P****en**: Eyy, speaking of Firey! Is he okay?
* **Blocky**: If *okay* means having dozens of kids with a leaf-turned-housewife-turned-minister, then yeah.
* **Eraser**: Eh, sounds like he's having fun.
* **Blocky**: He appears on as many game shows as he can, frickin' saying stuff like "I have dozens of kids with a leaf-turned-housewife-turned-minister!"

[*They all laugh.*]

* **P****en**: It must be the silliest thing to care so much about your appearance.
* **Blocky**: [*through the mirror*] And what are you looking at, Pete?
* **P****en**: My image in the reflection. Boy, am I having a good cap day, son of a gun! [*poses*]

### **Contest area**

**Scene**A few minutes before the contest prep stage is over. Huc teleportat **Two**, impressed with what everyone has been doing.
* **Two**: Good news, everyone, your two hours are almost up! Now, I want The Strongest Team on Earth to stand here.

[*Basketball, Robot Flower, Eggy and Gy walk to where Two is indicating.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Snowball, you coming or you just want to lie around?
* **Snowball**: Guilt, hoo-ah!
* **Two**: And... I want The S! to stand anti-clockwise from them.
* **S****aw**: [*confused*] Did you just say *anti-clockwise*?
* **Bot****tle**: Auntie Clock is wise!
* **Yellow Face**: Yeah!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's one way of putting it, I guess. You ready, Winner?
* **Winner**: For the past hour or so.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You got this!
* **Two**: Called Woe Bunch, you go right next to them.
* **G****at****y**: Aw, can't they be facing us?

[*Two teleports directly in front of Gaty.*]

* **Two**: Nope!

[*Two teleports away.*]

* **G****at****y**: Oh, hey, Barf Bag. Don't forget, you all lost the last time you did tug of war.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Maybe it's because they didn't have *me*.
* **G****at****y**: Ha.
* **S****aw**: Nice!
* **Two**: Are You Okay?
* **Golf Ball**, **Puffball** and **T****V**: Yeah?
* **Two**: You stand next to them.
* **Golf Ball**: Oh great, we're directly opposite Snowball and his team!
* **T****V**: Is this the part where we start trash talking?
* **Golf Ball**: I hope not! Going up against Snowball in such a challenge is a different beast than competing against him academically, a battle we would surely win!

[*Snowball doesn't even flinch.*]

* **Puffball**: Weird. No reaction.
* **Two**: Just Not, you're over here.

[*The whole team walk over to their part of the rope.*]

* **Two**: Oh. Getting the gang all together, it seems.
* **Nic****k****el**: I just know *we're* going to hold on.
* **Two**: And Death P.A.C.T. Again... are not here. [*Two looks concerned for a bit.*] Oh well! Contest prep over; it's time for the contest!
* **Bo****ok**: Oh, where's Death P.A.C.T. Again?
* **N****a****ily**: Whatever they're doing, I hope they're having fun.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: And preventing death.
* **Nic****k****el**: Most likely the second option.

Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Notes

1. ↑ I don't know how to write hetero-masculinity.
2. ↑ It's literal, people! He doesn't mean it the way some of you dirty ones imagine it. (BH is aro-ace.)
3. ↑ To quote Wiktionary, he means "to excite intellectually".

**Fake TPOT** [V]