Coaches Don't Play

**Coaches Don't Play** is the titular name of the memoirs of Ash. The first chapter being unveiled on the LOM's Halloween Anniversary Extravaganza 2021, it would be read by over 20 people, coming from different walks of life, to learn how to get a partner (specifically a girlfriend) from the apparent wise teachings of the self-proclaimed Coach Ash, who was taught by their master, the 80s pop-singer, George Michael (RIP). Whilst made for a bit of banta, Shmexi would come to slightly believe it did help him finally get a girlfriend soon after reading it. Due to Ash being somewhat illiterate, it seems most of the memoir is written in broken English, so best of luck trying to transcribe it.

**Chapter 1**

so you want to start your quest of getting some bitches on yo dick and you will have that and more by the time you reach the end of my book. but before you can even think about getting any bitches we must first examine what it means to get bitches and what kind of person you need to be in order to get some bitches. there are diffrent schools of thought when it comes to getting some bitches do you maybe want some bitches because you just wanna finna bust some fatty bumbalatte nuts and then dip or do you want to accuire a bitch so you may have someone to watch anime and cuddle with and then bust some fatty bumbalatte nuts. now you may walk down any of these two paths and my teachings will be able to guide you to your end goal but one path is way cooler then the other and you may even need to adopt diffrent aproches depedning on the path and the bitch you want. there is also quite a bit of status that comes with acquiring a bitch or two or three (maybe 4  at the same time but this technique is mainly adopted by the manniquine shagger RoxyVelma) you may either brag to your boys that you have aquired a bitch you may think that makes you look cool but really it just comes accross as kinda pathetic and gay like bro nobody cares if you just got some bitch on yo dick just say yeah it happened and then move on you low life or you could be a real G and not even bring up you got a bitch on yo dick and you only bring it up when asked and this is a coach tip essentail that you must learn to be succesfull in life and getting bitches "Real Gs move in silence like lasagne" nobody cares about your exploits or that you had sex its kinda gay that you wanna tell your freinds you had sex NGL are you telling your freinds you had sex so that they want the sex with you. kinda sus bro. one should only mention any of there encounters when they are asked and at no other time and this could apply to many other things in life. like no body wants to know if you just got a shit load of money or something like that it just makes you seem sad that you wanna bring it up.  only mention your moments of greatness when asked. now there is still more basics we need to get out of the way firstly. good things do come to those who wait but you cannot wait in bed all day and just expect something good to happen to you. a bitch aint just gonna fall from the sky and land in your room  its not gonna happen. you have to put yourself out there like meet new people at partys and social events, maybe try to talk to that Kawai gamer girl in that discord server your in you never know what will happen and as a wise man once said "Sometimes that thing you’re searching for your whole life, it’s right there by your side all along. You don’t even know it." and you will never know that if you dont go looking. if your sat in your room on the staffordshire uni campus eating Pringles and writing a guide for your homies (yes you are one of my homies) on how to get some Sheilas you arent ever gonna get any but thats fine because Coaches dont play and that will be explained in a later chapter 1. secondly we must talk about confidence. as a not very confident person myself ive been told by everyone that confidence is key and this is true if you are to shy to even get a sentence out of your mouth and you come accross as very self conscious then you are gonna have a hard time getting any where in a convo with a fine lil shawty ya know. people know there worth more then anyone this is true but sometimes people can put themselfs down to much. you are a king or queen act like it bro. you shouldnt care what others think the only opions that matter are the ones from your homies and thats it  you be who you wanna be bro aint nothing stopping. you can be the storm that is approcaching if you want youve just gotta belive in yourself. third. i cannot believe i have to say this but i know Elyag is reading this book. Hygiene is one of the most essential things of your day. you gotta shower once a day, brush your teeth (preferably twice a day) and for fucks sake use deodorant its really not hard. all this take maybe 15 minuets if even out of your day  if you arent willing to do any of these close my book you have already failed me.  nobody wants to be in the same bed with a dude that smells of there own sweat and overall bad oder and you aint even gonna get that far if your breath stank there are a few more smaller things. always be yourself. if you change who you are as a person to try and have a chance with somebody and it does work does it even mean anything? you haven't done anything you've made a fake persona and they did all the work. youve lied your way to some Poon and thats something i cannot stand for. "once you you who else can be you but you". i know there are a few people reading this who like to mistreat the primark display mannequins and i cant beleive that i have to say this. Consent is key dont try and make anyone do anything they dont wanna do its beyond cringe and makes you such a pathetic person and if your talking to someone and your making them uncomfortable or they have told you to go away please leave them or i will know and i will turn your penis into a penwas. lastly and this is most important HAVE FUN. because if its not fun why are you doing it i will also be putting some of my wise teachings between paragraphs sometimes. just so you have some more things to think about for example "the foolish man complains about the hole in his pocket. while the wise man uses it to scratch his balls"

**Chapter 2**

this is the weakest chapter but in a month you will have the full thing so this can hold you over. so you wanna know where you can find a bitch or two. now its kinda like pokemon but with a few extra steps. like in pokemon if your walkling around a volcano your gonna find some ground and fire types. like if you look for a bitch in a crack den shes gonna be a posion type. now depedning on what kinda of person you have many different ways to look for a bitch you could leave the house like some sort of werido or you could use a app but i dont know why would use a app because your Kawaii UwU gamer girl is probably a 37 year old called bobby that needs a crane to get out of his bed in the morning but we will weigh up the pros and cons of each method. "all getting bitchfare is based" lets say maybe you wanna leave the house to look for a fine lil thang to slob upon thy nob. there are several places that you could go to find a bitch you could go to a pub and see if there are any 80 year old widows in there if your into that but thats not a coach recommened stragey because there is no fish that can swim up a dry stream. there are more modern locations that should contain what you are looking for. you could enter a nightclub....... i have a rather well versed knowledge of nightclubs Despite never being in one. i have my sources. and they are my idea of hell waiting in a queue for ages just for some big thick bastard that can hardly process a sentence gets to decided your fate. if you have a pair of tits you should be able to enter no questions asked but if your a dude youve gotta look some what smart for this big bastard to let you in and when you do get in you are greeted with a bunch of people crowded together trying to dance to the worst song you've ever heard (why is the music in clubs so damn bad who genuinlu enjoys that kinda music it sounds like someone had a Sezuire on a beatdeck and people will be like OMFG this is going in my Dutty beats playlist like grow a pair listen to some real tunes like my student have you heard of the band Sabaton its beautiful put some Sabaton in your dutty beats playlist rn (I reccomend 82nd all the way what a bop) ) while they all fork over 23.43 quid for a shot of Jager. now that's just me but you've come to this POONSCAPE so that you may find a bitch. now here's what you must do. you must look for the best gal in there and make her yours. 1. make contact 2. buy her a drink 3. tell her you your grandmaster on overwatch 4. she will now be insanely attracted to you 5. you win. and that's a coach certified technique. or try your own im a frim believer in being yourself and do not be afraid of failure because thats a opportunity to learn and grow there are other locations to look for bitches but you should discover them yourself. bit of fresh air can be good for you now we must talk of the other method. you could use a app.  you could use a app like tinder to find a bitch then do some fucking all within the span of a few hours i dont know why you wanna do that kinda odd if you ask me or you could use a app like grinder for the same effect if you wanna get railed in a bush by a dude im not judging tho dont worry because People are entitled to there sexual proclivities let a thousand Blossoms bloom. BUT I WONT BE SPENDING ANY TIME ON IT BECAUSE we must discuss the worse option, you could use discord. why would you ever discord to look for some POON your either gonna be asking to slide into a minor or a old man. 9 times out of 10 your gamer girl is either underage or a old man trying to squeez money from you. this was a rather short chapter i know but location is small part of bitch getting you can find bitches anywhere and a most soical events like partys you can use my teachings anywhere i just want all my homies to know where they can find what they need

**Chapter 3**

(For some reason, a GIF of giraffe's nodding their heads violently)

**Chapter (4) 5**

Ash singing their cover of George Michael's (RIP) Careless Whisper, for copy right reasons and for your own sake, this cannot be shown on the wiki.