Who's Your Daddy?

*Piss Harbor. A town where crime and danger always flow. The kind of place where Cordelia's most badass bounty hunters gather, hungry for the priciest bounties around. When five of the meanest, toughest, most evil-sword-carried-in-the-mouth-of-a-stray-dog characters in Piss Harbor go out on a job together, could it lead to something...more?*

The first episode of the Weird Times In Piss Harbor campaign.

## Summary

We are introduced to Piss Harbor in the year 484 After Affair. The city is full of crime, vice and corrupt wealth. We meet Neil, an animated gargoyle visits a priest at a Catholic church’s office. The priest chews him out and kicks him out of the church for killing one of their most generous (and corrupt) donors. Neil explains that from her perch, she has been able to overhear the various sinners and criminals be forgiven no matter their misdeeds. She leaves the church, turning in her badge and gun, but not before throwing a lit cigarette behind her to burn it down behind her. She is approached by a shadowy figure offering her a job as a bounty hunter now that she’s unemployed.

We cut to Jonathan Large, a brawny and half-horse man passing time at The Slurring Cuckold bar. A troll boasts that he’ll pay for anyone’s drink who dares to lose to him at arm wrestling. Jonathan accepts and breaks the troll’s arm in the process, leaving him with encouraging parting words. Jonathan receives a message on the piece of pixie brain in his spine that’s implanted for bounty hunters in the area, leaving to respond to a call for a large bounty that’s come up.

Down another alleyway, an elderly woman seeking a shortcut is menaced by a murderous thug. A stray dog bursts out of the trash wielding a massive, elaborate sword in its mouth that is The Edge of Madness (or Edgica for short). The thug threatens them both, but the dog slices him in half with ease. The old woman thanks her, but Edgica dismisses her to steal her bag instead. She finds it full of cocaine, firing up her dog when he goes investigating. They receive the same message through the bounty hunter channels and head off to investigate.

Meanwhile, in the older parts of Piss Harbor, a frogman gunslinger Tommy Whistle is engaged in a duel with El Chupacabra. The spidery duelist tries to shoot Tommy while his back is turned, but Tommy returns fire and shoots out 7 of Chupacabra’s eight eyes. He ties him up with his tongue as a lasso, but spares the criminal as a man too moral for this city. He receives the same call for the bounty and rides off on Hun, his giant roadrunner mount.

We find Moose, a suave dwarven conman, at the waterfront in the luxurious room of Rebecca Yesterday, the wife of the crime boss Terry Surgery. Rebecca warns him of the wrath of her husband, given the fate of her many past lovers, but Moose seems unconcerned. When Terry enters, Moose hastily disguises himself as a chef using the bedsheets. His disguise fails, but he manages to deflect Terry’s attention with talk of the old days and his lack of attention given to his wife. Moose makes up a frogman who had slept with his wife and Terry lets him leave as he puts a hit on any local frogman.

The group meets up at Moonlight Value Bounties, a carefully hidden base where Mabeline Moonlight, a half-orc half-elf woman, organizes them to dispatch for bounties she takes a cut out of. She informs them that Gunter Von Hamstring is in town, a wanted swindler known to pose as the forgotten son of neglectful nobles and crime lords who can’t be sure they don’t have a son. With a 400,000 gold bounty, they set off looking for clues and welcome Neil to the team. Moose holds reservations about Neil, but is assured she can trust her by Mabeline. She also warns them that The Suck Brothers are also after the bounty.

Moose finds a nearby dockworker and learns that Gunter was spotted getting on a party boat. The group steals a motorboat, but in their haste, Tommy leaps right out of his clothes and they speed off without them. They climb onto the boat, but Edgica’s dog drops her on the way up. Tommy attempts to pick her up, but is stricken with madness as soon as he tries. He is left in a stupor, following the party while unsure where he is. He ends up hiding inside a keg in his confusion, rambling to his mother. The rest of the group finds Gunter dancing with his goons on the dance floor, where he bumps into Jonathan. Gunter demands that his men break all of his bones for the insult and Jonathan and Neil begin to brawl with the thugs. Tommy snaps out of his insanity and shoots his way out of his keg to join the fight. Neil is momentarily stunned to contemplate that Tommy overcame his madness by resisting the alcohol in the keg.

Moose convinces Gunter that he is Sammy Steps, famous agent and talent scout who saw his dancing. He leads Gunter outside where he and Edgica apprehend him. The Suck Brothers arrive at the boat, but seeing no sign of Gunter they go after the recently wanted Tommy. The cowboy evades and knocks them out with his leaps except for Gengar Suck, their ghostly brother. Johnathan spares the last of the goon, an act of mercy and great insult to a goon, and the group escapes onto their boat to turn in their bounty.

They reflect on how they’ll spend the money, along with subtitled freeze frames. Unfamiliar with money, Neil invests her money in a high-interest savings account. Jonathan buys a fine chicken dinner and donates the rest to the local youths. Edgica buys more cocaine for her dog. Moose pays off some of the bounties that have been placed on him. Tommy Whistle mysteriously notes that they’ll have to find out what he’s up to next time on Rude Tales of Magic. The subtitles explain that he was later arrested for public nudity.

## Trivia

* The series is stated to take place in the year 484 AA, slightly before the Class dismissed campaign (497 AA).

## Links

* Episode: https://art19.com/shows/rude-tales-of-magic/episodes/5fc0b0b0-9c24-43ea-80f2-3ea978809d43