Headhunters 5: The Hateful Eight

## Introduction

What does Tee Higgins have in common with the Higgs Boson pre-2012? You couldn't find either of them.

## In Memoriam: RIP Diggs my RIP for sure-oh

It says a lot about the heart and soul of this team that they survived this long despite numerous setbacks. Tee Diggs my Chubb for sure-oh lost his Chubb early. Tee Higgins battled health issues and was on again/off again like Ross and Rachel. And like Matthew Perry's life, things were finally starting to look up for RIP Diggs right before the end. Tyreek Hill was set to join the squad, but it wasn't meant to be.

It is poetic that last season, RIP lost the championship game because a Bills game got cancelled. And now this year he lost because the Broncos cancelled the Bills' season entirely. It also says a lot about the cruelty of fantasy that 164th overall pick Jaylen Warren outscored 20th overall pick Stefon Diggs, or that $0 Tyler Boyd outscored $79 Hollywood Brown. But that is the way it went for RIP in 2023. He made many ill-advised overbids ($275 worth) to bring in QBs he never started and defenses that he dropped. He started a Rashid Shaheed and Derek Carr stack 9 times. He got five games out of \*checks notes\* Samaje Perine. And we haven't even mentioned that Anthony Richardson was on this team at one point.

At the end of the day, the one loss this team couldn't survive was a lost fumble by James Cook. The Müller Lite player was benched for a quarter, and then came back with a vengeance in the second half. He ran so well that he managed to eliminate Nate in this league and also cost him a critical matchup in another league simply by keeping the ball out of Josh Allen's hands. MNF is the cruelest game in sports, and this week it came for Nate.

RIP Diggs:

## Weeks Survived (2019 v 2020 v 2021 v 2022 v 2023)

And just like that there are more eliminated teams than non-eliminated teams.

## Dead Money

Keeping track of all the cash that never got spent by teams that are now eliminated.

Dead Money 2023

$185 left over for RIP Diggs and still, after 10 weeks, close to half the money has gone unspent by eliminated teams.

## Top New Releases

1. Tyreek Hill
2. Stefon Diggs
3. Rachaad White
4. Tee Higgins
5. DJ Moore

Tyreek Hill curse confirmed real.

## Week Ten Bidding Results

### Quick-Hit Thoughts

* Last Year's Most Expensive Player: Justin Herbert - $137 (Bad Boys II)
* Biggest Overpay: Josh Jacobs ($91 over next highest bid - Obi-Wan)
* Narrowest Margin of Bid Victory: Tyreek Hill ($4 over next highest bid - RIPDiggs)
* Didn't end up hurting them, but Henry VIII made the bold decision to bench Kenneth Walker and start DeAndre Hopkins and it did NOT pay off.
* Josh Jacobs going for more than Kelce or Hill is wild but one thing cannot be denied: he scored more points than both of them combined inw eek 10.
* Headless Horsemen was lurking this week, finishing 2nd to three bids and winning two, including Travis Kelce.

## Excessive Spend

Excessive spend is anything over a single dollar more than the next highest bid for the player you won, and does not take into account the talent level or value of the player.

Bye Diggs goes out swinging.

## Week Ten Results

* Biggest Climber: Jeff Probst/Billy Jean (^3)
* Biggest Faller: Tee Diggs (v6)

After climbing seven spots, Diggs plummets six and drops right out of the race.

## Kings of the Castle

Got a lot going on so need to blow through these today fellas.

### 1. Jeff Probst' Tribe

I was wondering how this team has managed to pull ahead of the pack and I realized it's because he's in New Zealand and it's already tomorrow there. So he gets to see the future and plan his lineup. Time travel aside, he also is one of the only teams rostering a literal Sun God, which in Headhunters is good for 41.14 points. His cup also runneth over with good fantasy QBs, including but not limited to Joshua the alopecia fashionista and Russell "Is he back?" Wilson.

### 2. Monty's Python

CeeDee Lamb is on a mission to make me look like an idiot after I ripped Coach Big Game Tebo (AKA What Hurts Moore) for trading AJ Brown for CeeDee in a dynasty league (with draft picks involved). Ever since then it's been CeeDee Lamb vs. errybody (but mostly vs. me).

### 3. Obi-Wan Mahomie

What a difference reliable RBs make. Not sure how excited we should be to get Matthew Stafford back this week, but owning CMC is like having a third QB with how much he scores so not too concerning. Honestly it's wild that he was down so bad at the position and then managed to swing CMC out from under KVR's nose, and he snagged Josh Jacobs who I thought was dead but apparently Antonio Pierce thinks he's the linch pin of the whole operation over there in Vegas so fuck me, right? As long as T.J. Hockenson can keep his back intact for another few weeks this team should be rockin' and rollin'.

### 4. Headless Horsemen

Recovered from his TE loss with a nice pickup (Njoku for Meyers in a trade with Commish). But that was a one-week stopgap as now it is Travis Kelce time. This team came on strong early, then sort of coasted, and has made money moves in recent weeks to become a team to beat. The big story here though is the 22nd overall pick: Dak Attack. Dak Imprescott continues to wow, giving us probably the most boring Cowboys season in recent memory with blowout after blowout, even when they lose.

## On the Chopping Block

### 8. Henry VIII

Had a nice fried chicken lunch with KVR and he got in my head that there was no way I could bench Jordan Addison so I benched Kenneth Walker and look where that got me. Nearly chopped. Brock Purdy nearly doubling up Lamar Jackson wasn't on my bingo card either. At least D'Onta Foreman continues to be the best backup RB in the NFL, and Deebo being back is nice.

### 7. Müller Lite

Müller Lite was on Müller Life Support for a while there, but then he used the Headhunters cheat code and sent the text you've all sent at some point. You know the one. The "welp, it was fun while it lasted text." The "it's me this week" text. The "Better luck next year. Have fun with my players" text. And you all know that if you hit the wave just right, it can reverse jinx the week. And in this case it did because Justin Herbert went bonkers in the 2nd half and saved this guy's ass.

### 6. Billy Jeans Ride or Die

This team name reference goes way over my head but it's better than the Hoyer one so I'll acknowledge it in the writeup. Jahmyr Gibbs me chills the way he runs the ball, and the Geno to Lockett hookup is always reliable. Will Levis might have run out of magic though, and there isn't a lot to pick from on the open market for QBs. Plus, with $3 to his name, there wouldn't be much anyway.

### 5. Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack

Bad Boys is looking to become the first team to build a super power, blow it all up, and then build it again in time to win a championship. It was fun watching him make moves live over a plate of super hot southern wings, but heartbreaking to watch him realize he had gotten too excited and traded half of his good players and would need to use all his newfound money just to buy them back up again.

## Unique Players Started

How many unique players (Defense included) were started by each team. The table can be sorted by players and also by week eliminated.

## Rulers of the Kingdom

2023 first place finishers:

Torch still lit.

## Dungeon Dwellers

2023 teams that finished second-to-last, narrowly avoiding elimination:

The first second-to-last place above 171 points and somehow the first for Commish this season.

## Single Season Scoring Records

As teams get eliminated, their single season performance will appear here. Bolded lines indicate performances from the current season.

As predicted, RIP Diggs did not score enough in his extra week to catch up to Extra Tight Ends.

## All-Time Combined Points Scored

Same as above: eliminated teams will have their 2023 season added to the total. Bolded lines indicate that the record has been updated through 2023.

Diggs becomes the 2nd team to break 10,000 yards, soon to be joined by Billy Jean and potentially Obi-Wan if they survive another couple of weeks.

## Conclusion

In a very tragic turn of events, I will actually have to work in an office next week so I don't know when to expect the weekly Tuesday writeup. It might be around bedtime. It was fun while it lasted, but daddy's gotta go back to bringing home the bacon. I'll still get something out, but without as much love and care.