ASM184 Heartbreak

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i woke up in the middle of the night and on may 29th with chest pains and chest pains is kind of a vague term um and it didn't really represent what i'd experienced there wasn't pain as much as there was pressure it felt like there was someone standing on one foot right on my solar plexus i felt crushed i felt uh i felt like i couldn't breathe i was able to breathe but i was not able to catch my breath so i lied in bed gasping afraid wondering if i was having a heart attack this went on for about 20 minutes and then it passed so i went back to sleep uh but then it happened again shortly later and it happened over and over through the night these severe and debilitating chest pains um i didn't wake up my wife jenny i just stayed in bed we got up that morning and the chest pains continued so i decided to call my doctor and my doctor said why are you calling me with chest pains you should go to the hospital and uh so i asked jenny to drive me to the hospital because i was afraid of how much an ambulance would cost and i got to experience what it's like to walk into an emergency room as a middle-aged man and say i'm having chest pains they move quickly and they hooked me up to a machine to do an ekg and that was the beginning of an extended period of testing i had an overnight stay in the hospital and um yeah was it was scary it was really frightening um i wondered if i was going to die honestly especially in bed that night as i was in the hospital and undergoing all these tests my watch tapped my wrist to let me know that my flight to chattanooga was taking off so i missed rachel held evan's funeral because i was in the hospital which made me very sad and uh i kept it really quiet i didn't put anything on social media i didn't tell friends only friends that live very nearby knew that i was in the hospital and uh i just stayed in the hospital and they did their tests and they figured out that i have uh something called pericarditis which is an inflammation in the membranes around your heart and uh it can create heart attack like symptoms especially the shortness of breath i have some other uh inflammation related conditions as well i just can't pronounce them otherwise i'd i'd tell you what they are it would be embarrassing even for me to try to name these conditions they are many many many syllables but effectively i've somehow gotten a lot of inflammation in the membranes of my chest and the cartilage of my rib cage and [Music] i had two weeks of mandatory medical rest so that's why there's been no ask science mike uh i haven't checked my email i haven't done any work for two weeks and i've never done that ever since i started working i've never taken that much time off and in fact since i became science mic full time i haven't taken more than [Music] you know four days off of work other than when i had a brain injury following a motorcycle accident so i'm learning this rhythm of my life where i work and work and work and work and work and work and work until i have a medical emergency and maybe that's not healthy um you know i talked to a cardiologist whose care i'm under now and she thought the main causes for uh what's going on with my health with this inflammation with with frankly the potential to cause much more serious health conditions if untreated is two things one chronic stress and two chronic fatigue i'm very stressed and i'm very tired here's what i have to tell you this week i love my work i love making this podcast and talking to all of you [Music] i love making the liturgist podcast and by the way for those of you who have asked yes the tabs and wafers tour is still on and yes tickets are on sale now um i love going to events and meeting all of you um i feel like my work is significant in a way that nothing i've done in my life before has been [Music] here i am a deordane college dropout and by living a life where i just try to be honest and genuine and sincere and empathetic i see community being facilitated all over the world i see people getting in touch with their own feelings i see people learning to to thrive as they wrestle with what their ultimate life philosophy is what they believe spiritually what theologies they do or do not hold i get letters from people who tell me that um they were suicidal before they encountered my work i get letters from people who say that they were closeted and now they're out and proud and in a loving relationship i literally have an email right now from the company that holds my mailbox where you all send my mail which by the way that address is on ask sciencemike.com just click on the about button and you too can send me a card or letter i do read them all and i've got an email from that company telling me that once again my box is completely full and i have the biggest box they have um it is such a joy to do this work and because it's so meaningful and because i take your time so seriously i mean some of you listen to my voice for hours every month and when i look at the statistics in our downloads it adds up to a lot of person hours so i work really hard to create compelling and useful and meaningful material for us to talk about together online and in person at events but in that process i neglect taking care of myself in many ways in these two weeks of full rest i've learned that i don't always practice what i preach now don't hear me wrong i'm not accusing myself of some singular hypocrisy i am very much in person the person that you experience on the podcast i am genuinely empathetic i think most of my friends would tell you that i am kind but what i mean is i so often tell you all to take care of yourselves to not allow a desire to be an agent for positive change in the world to lead you to work yourself into an early grave and based on medical counsel that's exactly what i've been doing i've been in long hours working and it's been a hard year uh if you listen to the podcast you know that i've had some significant psychological relevations uh coming from going to therapy following some some troubling symptoms related to how much i work and how emotionally demanding this work is i've learned that i have cptsd and i've learned that i have autism spectrum disorder and that's a lot on its own but i've also learned that there's other mental health challenges in my family and there's been significant um medical costs in treating some of the mental health challenges uh in my family and by family i mean the people who live under the same roof as me but their stories are not mine to tell so i won't i won't name those specifically but the toll of working through my own mental health issues while helping to lovingly support my family and pay the bills i don't know that i've ever been more stressed out than i have been the last 12 months so i've worked harder and harder you know to try to make enough money to handle everyone's medical needs in my home and working that hard put me in the hospital i don't always practice what i preach i'm going to try and start doing that because i've also learned in these two weeks off that our mental health is supported by physical health i hate fitness culture i hate the way that we glorify somebody shapes and villainize and shame others i hate the way that america uniquely turns health into an industry a way to extract money from people and so i've been a conscientious objector in many ways refusing to be healthy as a matter of protest but apparently when you're 40 years old you cannot eat pizza five times a week and donuts eight times a week and literally never exercise without consequences and my primary care doctor celebrated the mental health work i've been doing in my life but challenged me to put as much emphasis and balance on my physical health as i do on my mental health so i've been cleaning up my diet for two weeks i haven't been exercising yet because until today i haven't been allowed to but i'm going to start a very gentle very easy exercise regimen like walking slowly on a treadmill and air conditioning easy and doing some strength exercises designed for senior citizens i'm not going for uh the mr universe contest or anything um but i've noticed that as i've paid more attention to my diet and just eaten so many fruits and vegetables and nuts honestly that's what i've been doing it's lots of vegetables and fruits a little bit of nuts that i started to feel better throughout the day and it made me realize how much that for me food is a way that i allow myself to be who i am what i mean is i am patient and i am empathetic and i am sanguine and i am those things because when i have emotional needs i turn to pizza to fill them that's that's that's my mo i don't turn to friends when i turn to friends i try to be there to support them when i need support i seek the help of simple carbohydrates salt and fat and that's really maladaptive the degree to which i do that it's it's uh it's really been hurting my body and so i'm starting to eat better and my wife has joined me on that journey jenny if you don't know her name and it looks like for the foreseeable future i'm going to be a very clean eating healthy eating person to try to continue being a husband and a father and your internet friend for many decades to come as opposed to a few years i'm trying to practice what i preach and i'm learning that mental health is supported by physical health and i'm also going to try to figure out how to talk about that in a way that doesn't um shame people for their lifestyle choices many of which are hardly choices at all so many of our health decisions are driven by very large-scale systemic issues kind of the last thing i've learned in these two weeks of rest is that hiding your knees is not humility but pride i went to the hospital and i didn't want to tell anyone i knew that people were grieving over rachel held evan's death i knew that people had a lot on their minds so i didn't reach out to anyone the people who knew that i was in the hospital knew because jenny told them and as word kind of leaked out to folks i got a number of text messages of concern and a few text messages well more than a few text messages of more than concern some very compassionate scolding occurred um people i'm very close to felt upset that i did not tell them i was in the hospital that they would have desired they would have wanted to love me and support me and if there's anything that my conservative masculine heritage has imprinted on me that i've been unable to shake is this notion of self-sufficiency i don't like to rely on other people i love to be there for other people but i don't like to let other people be there for me i feel guilty and i feel ashamed when i need other people but because i have such good friends who aren't afraid to lovingly call me out or call me up when necessary i realize the impact that that self-sufficiency has on my relationships with other people and i learned the relationship that has uh on my relationship with the public i'll tell you what i'm feeling so that you'll feel less alone but i am careful not to invite people in in any way that allows them to support me and so i'm trying to do better with that as well life is this ongoing journey of learning and growing and i have such a good life i'm so content with it and i'm so content with my life that the way that i treat my body and the way that i ignore my own needs snuck up on me and put me in the hospital it turns out that'll be a very expensive mistake so as of today this morning i'm back at work i'm easing back into things and i have a number of decisions to make what does ask sciencemic look like going forward how can i make this show in a way that meets your needs and meets mine i don't know uh and this is not like a preparing you for the end of that science mic but i may need to restructure it i may need to have like on seasons and off seasons that are more intentional right now i stopped making a science mic only when i'm so busy i literally can't make the show [Music] when every hour of the day for 10 to 12 hours six days a week is completely booked with appointments or working blocks that's when ask science mike doesn't come out so i may need to figure out something more sustainable there i'll have to figure out a more sustainable way to do the liturgist podcast that program is incredibly difficult to create perhaps uniquely implicated in my stress level is the liturgist podcast and the the complexity of the program and the expense of another a number of voices we bring in and and how long it takes to create an episode because of that complexity and the number of voices you know how do we best represent the true diversity and beauty of humanity with such a small team i don't know that's something we're going to have to figure out together what i have learned unfortunately is the way that i have lived my life since 2000 2015 when i left my advertising career is not the way i can run my life from now on somehow i've got to make these media in a way that i'll be able to make for decades while still making enough money to pay the bills it's a little scary to be honest it's a little scary we're going to try to make some staffing adjustments try to find someone to help me in a larger way with ask science mike when michael gets back from japan he and i will have time to talk about how the liturgist podcast is made just know as we do all that that i care about you all very much that i offer you this update today to let you know that i'm still here and uh and that i'm working to get the show back on track we had a good run right until i got into the hospital [Music] and in the coming months i hope to announce exciting new formats and more times for us to see each other and i hope to do that in a way that allows me to do this work not for 12 months or 12 years but for the rest of my life because i do so enjoy talking with you all and i hope to do so again as soon as next week thank you for listening everyone