Home Run

**Home Run** is episode 75b of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on December 1, 2001.

## Synopsis

The Lucky 6's baseball ends up in Old Man Esmond's apartment, which they discover is a heaven for confiscated toys. When the gang goes in there to retrieve Eric, they get trapped by Esmond and must find a way out, by fighting him with the toys.

## Cast

* Andrew Rannells as Edward, Ivan and The Narrator
* Josh Peck as Eric
* Dee Bradley Baker as Old Man Esmond
* Wayne Grayson as Joey
* Gary Sauls as Constantinos
* Edward Felker as Stanley, Igor and Abdul
* Dan Green as Dallas
* Eric Stuart as Terry and Barry, Frankfurt Jason, Grayson, Mason and Hasten
* Mike Pollock as Principal Walker

Although Uncle Bruce doesn't appear, he is mentioned by Edward.

## Trivia

* This episode premiered as part of the Gimme 6 event.

## Transcript

(The episode opens with a panning shot of Lakeside City School)

**Edward:** (narrating) Dear Uncle Bruce, thank you for your letter. I hope this one finds you well. Things are fairly slow for us Lakeside City School students lately due to a confiscation rampage on toys. But that's ok. In true school spirit, we make do with the resources we have.

(At the playground, Terry and Barry are standing next to the tetherball set, which lacks a ball. Carver walks in and ties a rock to it. He slams it, which goes back and forth between the twins)

**Terry and Barry:** OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

(In the library, Jason and Grayson are playing checkers without any pieces. Mason and Hasten are spectating, writing down notes)

**Jason:** Checkmate.

(Grayson kicks the table over and knocks out Jason with a single punch)

(Outside the library, Joey is using Constantinos as a dummy)

**Joey:** (moving Constantinos' lips) Hi! I'm Constantinos, and I'm a huge "dummy"!

(Eric laughs hysterically)

**Eric:** Make him do it again!

**Joey:** (does it again) I'm a huge "dummy"!

**Eric:** (laughs harder) Lemme try, lemme try! (he rips out Constantinos' mouth, revealing his flesh, and he moves his teeth around) Bla bla bla!

(He and Joey laugh together, until they see a flaming baseball flying through the air)

**Eric:** Hey, there's a real toy! (he runs off to find the source)

**Joey:** Wait, I'm PERFORMING here!

**Constantinos:** That looks fun.

**Joey:** Did I say you could talk?!

(Before Constantinos can reply, Joey tosses him in the trash can)

(Cut to the students watching Edward hit a baseball with a mechanical baseball bat, with Dallas tossing the ball)

**Constantinos:** Hey guys! Whatcha got-

**Joey:** ZIP IT! (moves Constantinos' lips) Hey guys! Whatcha got there?

**Edward:** Oh, salutations, Joey! I invented a metallic Mach 5 baseball bat out of nothing but twigs and berries.

(Camera immediately cuts to Walker in his personal restroom's bathtub with Mr. Tuggy, and Mr. Goodman is searching through the medicine cabinet)

**Principal Walker:** Hurry up and find it, Goodman! A bath isn't complete without my blueberry bath bomb.

(Cut back to the students)

**Eric:** This is way better than Joey's dumb ol' dummy!

**Joey:** Grrrrr...give me that! (swipes the bat away from Edward, pushing him aside) Now we're talking! Hit 'er up, Dallas!

(Dallas tosses another baseball)

**Joey:** Yeah! Now let's see what this baby can do!

(He smacks the baseball so hard that it gets launched to Avenue A Apartment, crashing through a window)

**Joey:** Oops.

**Constantinos:** (gasps) It went into Old Man Esmond's apartment!

**Joey:** (tosses the bat away and moves Constantinos' lips again) If anyone asks, Joey was never here. (zips away)

**Edward:** (extends his arm and grabs Joey back) Don't worry, Joey. (sets him down) We can always retrieve it.

**Dallas:** Um, that's not a good idea, Edward. Whatever toy lands in Esmond's apartment, will never see the light of day ever again.

(Eric yelps in fear)

**Dallas:** It's gone. Forever.

**Edward:** Rest assured, Dallas. What would Esmond want with toys? He's well-mannered. I'm sure he holds on to them so he can fix or clean them for us. We'll just have to be patient until he returns it.

**Stanley:** I don't think Eric is gonna wait.

(Eric is seen running out of school grounds)

(In the apartment's hallways, he mindlessly walks through the following signs: "KEEP OUT!", "WARNING: Beware of Old Man Esmond", "DANGER: Authorized Personnel Only", "DO NOT ENTER", a skull symbol, "MAD DOG!", "No Brains", "WARNING", "TURN BACK NOW!", "STOP!", "LAST CHANCE!", "Leave", a radiation symbol, and "Make Like a Tree")

(He approaches Esmond's front door. Inside, Esmond is on the phone with a cable company)

**Esmond:** Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, back up. What's your name?

(In the background, Eric loudly slams the door open and walks around the living room. Esmond hears him and he quickly turns his back around, but Eric isn't there anymore. He resumes to the phone conversation)

**Esmond:** You don't need my first name and address to give me a price. You don't need- ok. My name is John Doe. All I want...all I want, is dial-up, and basic TV.

(Eric peeks his head out of one of the sofa cushions and walks on the walls, and then the ceiling)

**Esmond:** Look, I can't hear you. Where you from?

(While Esmond goes to get a bottle of water from the fridge, Eric walks on the table Esmond was sitting next to)

**Esmond:** No, there ain't no way you from West Virginia, boy. You sound like you from India or somewhere.

(Esmond returns to the table, and Eric has already disappeared from his plain sight)

**Esmond:** Why do you need my bank card number to give me a dang price o-o-on the installation, and the, and the, total price? I done give you my name, ya got my god-dang address, but ya don't need my bank card. Now all I want- ***ALL I WANT, FROM YOU, IS A GOD DANG PRICE, ON WHAT IT'S GONNA COST!!!!!!*** You don't need a bank card to find that out.

(Eric squeezes through the door of Esmond's bedroom, and he finds a mountain of toys)

**Eric:** (gasps in happiness) The baseball! (he looks at his surroundings) Toys!

(Outside, Edward is calling for Eric)

**Edward:** Eric! Eric, where are you? (looks aside) Do you see him, guys?

(No answer)

**Edward:** (calling out) Guys, where are you?

**Constantinos:** (offscreen) Shhh! We don't wanna alert Esmond!

(Despite this, Edward knocks on the door)

**Edward:** Mr. Esmond! Hellooooooooooooo? Have you seen Eric? Are you in there? Mr. Esmond?

(Inside, Esmond is cutting a hamburger pie in half with a chainsaw, but then he becomes angry once he hears Edward)

**Edward:** Mr. Esmond Mr. Esmond Mr. Esmond Mr. Esmond Mr. Esmond Mr. Esmond Mr. Esmond Mr. Esmond Mr. Esmond Mr. Esmond Mr. Esmond Mr. Esmond-

(Esmond slams the door open, still holding the chainsaw. Everybody gasps)

**Stanley:** Uhh, hi. We didn't mean to interrupt you from your dull newspaper reading, but, uhh...have you seen our friend, Eric? He was looking for-

(Esmond slams the door shut. Constantinos faints)

**Edward:** He must have not heard us through his chainsaw. If Eric's looking for his baseball, he needs to be aware of that. I mean, that's some heavy machinery Esmond is handling. (heads off) I'll check his window.

**Stanley:** First, let's check your sanity.

(In Esmond's bedroom, Eric is having fun)

**Eric:** (rides a tricycle) Bike! (bangs a drum) Drums! (holds a doll) Doll! (pulls the string)

**Doll:** I am yours, (demonic voice) and you are mine. This is all natural. Let's be friends. Forever.

**Eric:** (hugs the doll) I love you too!

**Everyone:** (through the window) ERIC!

**Stanley:** (gasps) There he is! Look at all those toys. Manufactured in sweatshops.

**Edward:** Wow!

**Constantinos:** (frightened) Edward, it *is* true what they say about Old Man Esmond!

**Edward:** (in surprise) It *is* true.

**Constantinos:** (whimpers) Then it's way worse than we thought!

**Edward:** Much, MUCH worse.

(Beat)

**Edward:** (nonchalantly) That's a lot of toys Esmond has to repair. It'll be a while until we get our baseball back.

**Constantinos:** (screams in terror, and then he starts speaking through the window while Eric is dancing around with the doll) ERIC! Hello, Eric? Can you hear me?

(Eric gets shocked and puts the doll down)

**Constantinos:** RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

(Eric steps on it)

**Constantinos:** I AM SERIOUS! ESMOND HAS A CHAINSAW!

(Then, he tosses it away)

(In the kitchen, Esmond is pouring down soup, but then he screams bloody murder)

**Esmond:** GODDANG! AAUUUGGHHH! (sucks on his finger)

(He grabs the trash can's bag and goes outside to dump it)

**Dallas:** The coast is clear. He left. Just run in there quickly and get Eric! (he drags the rest of the gang)

**Edward:** Well, I suppose we can fix the toys ourselves. (gets dragged away)

(Dallas tries to open the door, but it's locked. Edward gives him a thumbs-up and clicks a button on his wristwatch, teleporting the gang into Esmond's apartment)

(They run to the bedroom, but Edward stops to smell the hamburger pie)

**Edward:** Mmmmm! This smells so nice! What a nice-

(An irritated Stanley drags him away)

(Eric is seen having a tea party with the doll, but the gang bursts in)

**Stanley:** (looking around) Eric? Are you in here? (notices him) Eric!

**Eric:** Stanley! Thank goodness. These cheap, marketable dolls were starting to give me the creeps.

**Stanley:** Thank goodness indeed. We have been calling for you.

**Dallas:** Come on, let's grab our stuff and leave before Esmond returns.

**Joey:** What, and miss out on the REAL fun?

**Dallas:** No, Joey, we're not getting EVERYthing in here.

**Joey:** No, I mean watching Eric live his last moments.

(Dallas punches his arm)

**Edward:** (points) Eric, look, our ping-pong table from elementary! Best out of five!

**Eric:** Deal!

(Dallas grabs them, and they start leaving)

**Edward:** Everyone will be happy when we tell them the whereabouts of their toys.

**Dallas:** Not now, Edward. (prepares to open the door) We have to get out of here before (opens it) that beast- WHOA!

(A frustrated Esmond is seen at the door, clenching his fists and teeth)

**Esmond:** WHAT ARE YA'LL SONUVA GUNS DOIN' IN MAH APARTMENT?!!?

**Edward:** Good day, Mr. Esmond! We were just retrieving our baseball that wandered into your residence. No need to clean it; it's in mint condition. And we're willing to assist you in fixing the rest of the toys. And as soon as we're done, I'm sure the students would love to get them back.

**Esmond:** NOBODY'S GETTIN' ANYTHING BACK!!!!

**Edward:** (worried) Pardon me?

**Esmond:** Anything that wanders into my own personal space, is MY property! And nobody's leavin' with MAH PROPERTY!!!!

**Constantinos:** (shivering in fright) See, Edward?! I told you everything about him is right!

**Edward:** (just as scared) Y-y-yeah, h-he's beautiful alright!

**Constantinos:** No, that he's the PRISON WARDEN OF TOYS!!!!

**Esmond:** (reaches for the baseball) Now give me my dang baseball back, ya turd, because it's MINE!

**Eric:** This is EDWARD'S ball! (bites his hand, causing Esmond to scream bloody murder)

**The Lucky 6:** RUN AWAY WITH THE BALL!!!

(They run around the living room as Esmond chases after them in hot pursuit. Eric repeatedly says "Edward's ball!", even when they run up the wall and ceiling. They dash into Esmond's bedroom and shut the door)

**Esmond:** (kicks it open, holding a metal baseball bat) Now I've got you!

(The gang emerges from the pile of toys. Edward is wearing a green baseball cap, Eric has a red propeller cap, Joey has a tiara, Stanley has a blue Viking helmet, Dallas has a fake jack-o-lantern head, and Constantinos has a wizard hat with stars)

**Stanley:** Men, we are not giving up just yet. Assemble your toys!

**Esmond:** GIMME MAH BASEBALL! COME ON!

**Everyone:** ATTAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

(Eric launches a teddy bear at Esmond with a slingshot, but Esmond effortlessly swings it away with his bat)

**Esmond:** (laughs) Whatchu gonna do? Teddy bear me to death?

(Suddenly, Edward shoots numerous tennis balls at him with a tennis ball gun, and Esmond constantly screams loudly. Edward grabs a bubble container & wand, and he blows loads of bubbles into Esmond's eyes)

**Esmond:** MY EYES!!!! (screams louder than before as he covers his burning eyes)

**Joey:** Slime launcher ACTION! (tosses green slime at Esmond)

**Dallas:** Toilet plunger archery! (shoots a plunger at him with a bow)

**Stanley:** Hydration Station incoming! (blasts water at him with a toy firetruck's hose)

**Edward:** QUICK! (they run) RUN FOR THE DOOR!

(As they do so, Esmond grabs Eric by the arm)

**Esmond:** Where do you think YOU'RE goin'?!

**Dallas:** (they stop in their tracks) Eric!

(Eric and Esmond are in a tug-of-war for the baseball)

**Eric:** Edward's ball, Edward's ball, Edward's ball, Edward's ball!

(The gang grabs Eric's back. During the struggle, Esmond grabs him by the legs, only to end up removing his shoes)

**Esmond:** AAAAHHHHH!!!! (scoots away from Eric's socks) The mythical Lakeside City School student socks!

**Joey:** The what now?

**Esmond:** You know! Legend has it that the socks of any Lakesie City School student can kill! It's true.

(Beat)

(The gang bursts into laughter. They stop, but if one observes closely, they can see Joey getting an idea)

**Edward:** That's not true. That's just a-

(Unexpectedly, Joey covers Edward's mouth)

**Joey:** (stern) What Edward is REALLY saying is...step away from the door. (grabs one of Eric's socks) We are walking out of here with the baseball, or the nostrils get it!

**Esmond:** No! No no no! Stay back!

(Joey approaches him with the sock)

**Esmond:** Please! I BEG OF YOU! AAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!!

(Out of fright, Esmond tackles the entire gang to the wall. However, the force of this attack is so strong that Esmond's apartment breaks apart from the building, and it falls down to a nearby slope road, where it starts sliding away at a rapid pace)

**Constantinos:** Wh-what's happening?!

(Edward opens the kitchen window, and the gang sees that they're sliding down a road. They are met with a strong gust of wind, so he shuts it)

**Eric:** I, may be mistaking, but I believe we are barreling downhill uncontrollably in Esmond's apartment, which has broken off from the main building through the sheer force of his bull charge!

(Everybody is surprised at his random stroke of high intelligence, but then Esmond growls and applies a clip to his nose)

**Joey:** YEAH, WITH A PSYCHO GRANDPA!!!!

**Esmond:** GIMME BACK MAH FRIGGIN' BASEBALL!!!!

**Joey:** No! No! (waves the sock around) Back! BACK!

(Esmond's apartment slides down the slope road at a faster rate than before. The gang climbs up to whatever's left of the ceiling, reaching outside, but Edward is nowhere to be seen)

**Stanley:** Where's Edward?! I can't afford paying off his insurance!

**Dallas:** Oh crud, not him!

(Edward is seen in the bathroom, taking an old toy airplane apart. He attaches the propellers to a hairdryer, and he rearranges the remote control so it can work with the hairdryer)

(On top of Esmond's apartment, the gang is backing away from Esmond)

**Joey:** Back! I said back, you hideous beast! SOCK IN THE FACE! SOCK IN THE FACE!!!!

(Edward climbs up)

**Edward:** Did ya miss me, fellas?

**Dallas:** (notices what Edward has built) Come on, Edward, now's not the time for hair hygiene!

**Edward:** (smiling) I know.

(Suddenly, the apartment shakes as Esmond gets closer)

**Esmond:** MAN, I WANT MAH GODDANG BASEBALL!!!!

**Edward:** (gives him it) Here you go.

**Esmond:** YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (laughs maniacally) THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!!!

**Eric:** Edward, the baseball. How could you?

(Edward winks at him, and he activates the hairdryer-airplane hybrid. The propeller repeatedly attacks Esmond in the face, who screams. Edward gains more altitude, and he knocks Esmond over with the invention. Suddenly, they realize something important)

**Eric:** Uhh...guys? (points below)

(The apartment slides up a ramp, and everybody screams bloody murder as they hang onto the roof)

(It lands on the edge of a skyscraper rooftop. Esmond is left dangling)

**Esmond:** (hyperventilates and screams) ONE OF YA'LL HELP ME!!!!

**Eric:** Here, grab my sock.

**Esmond:** AWW HECK NO! You'll never get me with yo deadly stench!

(He hangs onto the front doorknob for support, but it opens. Somehow, his bedroom door is opened as well, releasing every single one of the toys)

**Esmond:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! MAH TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYSSSSSS!!!!!!!

(Back at the school, the toys rain down)

**Ivan:** (gasps) It's raining toys! Our toys!

(Everybody cheers)

**Frankfurt:** Oh my goodness! Real toys! (he grabs a hula hoop)

(Cut to Igor and Abdul with Aaron)

**Igor:** And then whenever I'm sleepy, my mommy puts me down for a nappy.

**Abdul:** Yeah. Whenever I'm sleepy, my mommy puts me down for a nappy.

(They notice the falling toys. Abdul and Aaron quickly take off)

**Igor:** Oh, who needs 'em anyway? I have my mommy.

(A doll lands on him)

**Igor:** (shrieks in excitement) Princess Cupcakes?!

(The Lucky 6 cheers. Esmond grumbles incoherently out of anger)

(Fade to black. A time card is shown)

**The Narrator:** Epilogue.

(Terry and Barry are seen playing tetherball normally)

**Edward:** (narrating exactly like how he did at the beginning) In conclusion, Uncle Bruce, all of us here at the school managed to recover each and every toy.

(In the library, Jason and Grayson are playing checkers - with pieces this time)

**Edward:** Everything is safely back to normal.

**Jason:** Checkmate.

(Grayson kicks the table over and knocks out Jason)

(The Lucky 6 are seen playing with toys. Edward and Eric are playing with their ping-pong table, Joey and Stanley are playing a board game, Dallas is shooting hoops with a basketball, and Constantinos is playing with a dollhouse)

**Edward:** Well...almost everything.

(Esmond's apartment is seen still stuck on top of the skyscraper)

**Esmond:** (on the phone) MAN, I JUST PAID THE DANG TOWIN' BILL! I THOUGHT YA'LL TOWED APARTMENTS!!!!! (he checks a bill) ***FOUR-HUNDRED AND FORTY NINE DOLLARS?! AND SIXTY SIX CENTS?!!? BULLCRAP!!!!***

(Iris out)

("The End" screen)

(Episode ends)