Bite My Ass Torsa/Confessionals

### Day 32

I honestly hate having conversations like these because I can't stand any type of confrontation (if this can even be classified as that) but I literally just like... idk my moral compass isn't letting me just lie to him, I don't see a point in that and honestly I just think it'd make him even more upset with me.
The problem is Seamus is convinced that Jerry and I are sheeping our way to 5th and 4th, and the three girls are gonna go the final 3 together. If that's the case, they're doing a damn good job snowing me because I honestly feel like I have a good bond with all three of them and I don't see what reason they'd have to take me out at that point (especially considering that i'm probably the easiest to beat at the end OOP).
I don't see a reason to push for Seamus to stay because he's broken my trust, we've been on opposite sides the whole time, he could probably go on a challenge run to the end... and in the end, no matter how much I like him personally, he's just a messy player, nobody else in my alliance really wants him around, and if I pushed for him to stay I'd just be jumping on a sinking ship and waiting to drown lmao.
But the endgame's coming up and I need to be careful about maintaining the relationships that I have. If I can't win at this point (and honestly I doubt that I can), I at least want to make it to the FTC. That would be an accomplishment I could be proud of, win or lose.
I need to make sure I have the trust of people around me so I can set myself up for that. I honestly believe that Courtney, Fariha, Jerry and Torsa all trust me. Maybe that makes me delusional, idk. But if I suddenly start pushing to save Seamus when the whole rest of the tribe is stacked up against him, I lose that trust with all of them. The last thing I need right now is for them to have doubts about me, because maintaining trust is the most important thing in this game bar none, at least that's what -I- think.
If Seamus is right that I'm on the bottom and sheeping my way to 5th place, oh well, I reap what I sow. But honest to God, I don't think that's the case. Hopefully I can prove that and maybe, just maybe, have a slim shot at winning over this jury? Maybe?? Eek...

In the meantime Torsa is planning to vote Courtney this round,so we have a bit of edge on the boys as Aaron is closer to us than jerry/Hudson.So I am maybe in her long term plans as well.And Aaron sort of promised me on his kids ((!) that he wouldnt vote me.which I really think was a bit extreme for an org,but I'll take it.
So I think my position is really good at the moment.The only things which can screw me up rn are
1.Torsa winning straight immunities /idols to ftc
2.Jerry being a bitch and ratting me out
Hopefully none of these will happen and I can cruise my way to ftc

I really haven't had to backstab or lie to anyone I was close with since Nicole's vote, I've done my best to be as honest as possible to the people that I'm with, because I just don't like to lie. But at this point, for the sake of my game I'm gonna need to take morals out of the equation. Why?
Well, considering the fact that I've basically had the same exact conversation with Jerry, Torsa and Fariha ("I don't think anybody knows how close we are, let's work on getting to the end together, blah blah blah"), plus the fact that I really want to sneak Courtney into the final 3 ('cause I see her being there as the best shot for me), means I'm at least going to have to backstab two people who I promised my loyalty to.
I mean, I think this is a great position to be in! As far as I'm aware, most of the people left in the game want me in the end with them. I have connections but I'm not seen as threatening, that's the perfect spot to be in at this point!
But... this really isn't something I wanted in the slightest. I hate having to be cutthroat in games. I used to be able to do it no problem; nowadays I struggle with it more, and I think that's just a product of me actively trying to form closer bonds with people. I'm no Brian Heidik, I didn't set out to make final 2 deals with everyone and then betray them. It just kind of happened naturally, and that might be because I genuinely get along with everyone this game! That's the most difficult part, and I feel like that's what I'm gonna have to reckon with going into this final stage of the game :/.
At the moment, Torsa seems like the easy target. I'm not NEARLY as close with Aaron as I am with her, but the thing is, I do have to start thinking about my case to the jury. Seamus thinks I'm a sheep who's on my way to 4th place at Torsa, Fariha and Courtney's hands? What better way to disprove that than to have Torsa voted out unanimously and make it to the final 3 with the two girls Seamus thought she was going to be dragging there!
It's just hard because I know this is the best decision to make in my head, but my heart's telling me something else. But that's what I have to ignore if I want to win this thing.
idk... this is why ORGs are such a painful experience LOL. I'm just lucky I haven't had to deal with this since the pre-merge! You'd be surprised how often I find myself in moral crises these days lmfao...

### Day 34

aaron is telling me he's voting courtney, and i'll be voting courtney. my alliance of 4 with hudson/fariha/jerry has been quiet today, fariha and i were talking earlier, but she went to bed i think and idk if she voted me. oh well, it was a hell of a run i guess, it sucks it ends this way but!!!! yeah