DPDA Case No. 25

The 25th Case of the DPDA was the investigation of a smear campaign against Denzel Pepper launched by Elroy Crookes, Racial Ghoul and James Stoneham. The investigation lasted from the 19th of February 1996 to the 11th of March. The following Case File is written by Cecil Longstaff.

## Case File

On the night of the 17th of February 1996, me got this letter from Denzel sayin to get my mandem and come over to Thornton Plaza the next night for the Thornton Stationery Awards. Denzel picked me and my mandem up the next day in his 1971 Yellow Hillman Imp. I brought my broski G-stars, Dequan Gover, Maurice Brunnell and Soggy Steve Swindell. We got to the Plaza, me, Denzel, Tim, Bernard and the mandem headed to the bar and began downing some pints of rum. After we got pissed, we made our way to the main hall, where Albert of Islington Branch was giving an opera performance. We sat at the Kensington & Chelsea Branch tables, next to Julia Crosston, Benjamin Sellars and Fred Wentsworth. Me and Fred were crying because of how fit the performance from Albert was.

After Albert's performance, me, Denzel, Julia and Soggy Steve went to the Disko dance floor and had a dance to Agadoo by Black Lace. We went back to the main hall when Denzel was due on stage. He gave a fit speech about the economics of Stationery. During his speech, this mad geezer came on stage and Denzel fist-bumped him. Then, Denzel and Soggy Steve began giving a performance of a song by Tupac Shakur. It was fit. At the end of the song, Denzel was lifted into the sky like an aquatic angel. He spread his arms, and his shadow shone on us all. His looming figure gave us chills. The lights cast tiny rows of shadows on his thighs, all those tiny rows were shadows on his thighs.

After that, some technical difficulties occurred as Denzel was stuck in the sky for another 10 minutes. When he got down, it was Jacquees and Hugo's turn to give a speech. They shouted at various members of the audience and told them to fuck off, after throwing the speech stand into the audience. Me and Denzel were laughing our pants at this, Denzel wiggled his bum, and did a fit dance. Tim rose up on the table and began exotically dancing. Me, Denzel and Jeremy Stilton (Company Legal Analyst) went to the bathroom together to have a wee. We were laughing, weeing, dancing, until all of a sudden, two muscular men came and escorted Denzel out of the building, proclaiming that he was under arrest for hitting some kids...Shit. I was fucking bewildered, we started chasing after the men, who by the time we had re-gathered our thoughts were already with Denzel in the car. We began running after the car, which was easy thanks to the busy London traffic. We followed the car to Kensington Police Station.

Jeremy and I volunteered to represent Denzel during the police questioning. I was fucking furious. The policeman started reading ''Denzel Pepper has been arrested...''' And I quickly interrupted with my smooth but comforting voice ''ILLEGALY.'' Jeremy laughed, and a peaceful smile overcame his face. Denzel was absolutely shitfaced, and fell asleep. The police planned on keeping Denzel for the night, however Jeremy was so skilful in his persuasion, and so nonchalant in his delivery, that he convinced the police to release Denzel after four hours. We left the station at four AM, taking a cab, and compiled the evidence the police had given us. Apparently someone had made claims that last week Denzel Pepper punched two children in the face and stepped on a little girl's toes after laughing hysterically. This did not sound like my Denzy.

We phoned up Bernard, and informed him of Denzel's arrest. He dropped the phone, and opened a bottle of bud light. We knew he was distraught. The next morning at work, we received a threatening letter, demanding that Denzel come to a specific location by 10 AM, otherwise the anonymous source would alert the press that Denzel battered some kids. Denzel seemed not to care, so we followed his lead. 10 AM came. I went into the break room and turned on the telly. I switched to Channel 4 - my favourite - and saw a horrifying ordeal. ''LOCAL BUSINESSMAN DENZEL PEPPER BATTERS 2 CHILDREN.'' I broke down in tears, I could not hold in my sorrow. I showed Denzel and the others, and they too were horrified. We had to go to this location featured on the letter.

Me, Denzel and Tim went. We drove in the Pepper-Mobile to a dodgy shitty street that stunk of piss and dead fish. The building we were meant to go into was a decrepit run down, vandalized building with scarred walls and boarded up windows. As I pulled open the heavy front door, the first thing I noticed was the heat. It was at least 90 degrees in the old and dusty lobby. I could see sweat forming on Denzel's back. A man of at least 80 years old sat at a desk. His eyes climbed all over us, as he told us to sit down, slowly licking his lips. ''Why's it so hot?'' Asked Denzel in his seductive Barry White-ish voice. But no reply. Out of the door came a retched body. A dark and ominous figure who's hair hung greasy and he smelt obscene. Denzel looked on in horror...Elroy Crookes. ''You fucking told the press that I chinned two kids? I'll fucking chin YOU mate.'' Elroy laughed, and his long grey teeth became visible. Roar. Elroy ordered Denzel and Tim to come into his office, but kept me in the lobby. The old man would look at me every twenty seconds, smiling horribly, and licking his lips. ''Look mate, I'm flattered, but I'm a single pringle, and I'm staying that way.''

I could hear perfectly what Elroy was saying to them. He proclaimed that if Denzel did not resign as Regional Sales Director at Kensington and Chelsea, he would order the West London Mob, as well as some other gangs to kill Denzel. I rose from my seat, slammed the old man's face into the desk after twisting his neck. I released a mighty roar, like a precious panther - ''HERE COMES THE SUBPOENA!!!!!'' I could hear Denzel and Tim cackling and laughing. The two walked out of the office, before spitting on Elroy. ''You're messing with Denzel Pepper, mate. Big mistake. HUGE.'' declared Denzel. When we got back to the DPDA Office, we officially opened a case. Denzel's public image was already being ruined, with several publications ruining his image. This was clear defamation of character. Me, Jeremy, Denzel and Bernard filed an official court case, suing Elroy for defamation of character. The case would take place on the 11th of March. When word of this somehow got to the press, Denzel's image was ruined even further. Bernard was angered by this severely. He walked to Thornton Plaza and ordered Jebidiah do something about this. The Thornton Stationery Legal Office released an official statement the following day:

''Denzel Pepper has fully co-operated with the police, who have considered the complaints that are being made by the supposed children, and we strongly maintain that no action should be taken against him.''

This led to a decline in sales by Thornton Stationery. In an odd moment of compassion, Jebidiah did not care about the money, rather about his best salesman and biggest producer of money, Denzel Pepper. Bernard declared that on the 1st of March, a party would be thrown at his mansion in defense of Denzel. At the entrance of the party, t-shirts with Denzel giving the V sign on them were being sold. Many people turned up at the party, including Sally ''Six Eyes'' Weller, former part of mine, Tim and Denzel's Disko troupe, who left us in 1990 to join a Christian Death Cult. We caught up with him, and he revealed that he had left the cult to become a nude model. Many press twats were at the party, only to defame Denzel. Me and Tim began beating them up. I performed a triple somersault kick on one, and Tim knocked another out with his nunchakus, before putting out his cigarette in the man's nose. Denzel gave an epic performance of Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive' accompanied by Fred Wentsworth on violin, Jebidiah Thornton on drums, and The Cashmere King commanding the orchestra that Bernard hired.

After the party, we had made a discovery that Elroy claimed Denzel hit the kids at 11:23 PM, but we knew Denzel was in fact at the conference, watching Jacquees' speech. Then we remembered, Tom Jones was present at the conference with his personal camera crew. If the camera crew happened to capture our table, it could definitively prove Denzel's innocence. We contacted Mr. Jones, and he gladly agreed to send us over the recording of the performance. Unfortunately the cassette tape would only arrive to us by the 8th of March. When the tape arrived, we were shitting our pants, scared that the camera crew might not have filmed our table. But there we were, at 11:20 PM, on camera. Tim dancing on the table, Denzel laughing, all the good stuff. This proved Denzel's innocence. We decided that we would show the tape at the court date, in three days time.

The 11th of March came, and at 7 AM, we set off to the Kensington courthouse, where the case would be heard. Outside, were hundreds of Elroy Crookes supporters, but also hundreds of Denzel supporters. In the lobby of the courthouse, a fight broke out between lookalikes of Denzel and lookalikes of Elroy. I assisted the Denzel lookalikes in ending the Elroy lookalikes. In the courtroom, Denzel displayed his northern charm, wit and seductiveness. Midway through the trial, Denzel and Jeremy erupted into a pre-planned musical performance that Denzel wrote the previous night with help from Fred and Trevor. During the climax of the performance, Denzel required snow to fall from the sky, however, unfortunately we could not acquire real snow, so we cut up little bits of paper, and Trevor ran around with a big industrial fan blowing them into the sky. At the very end, Denzel showed the video captured by Tom Jones' camera crew, and the time. When Elroy saw this, he fell to the floor, and wiped his sweaty brow. The jury took 5 minutes to decide on the ruling, and it came out that Elroy was guilty. ''HA HA HA HA HA'' screamed Denzel, after ripping his pretty pink shirt off in glory. I also took my shirt off and poured rum all over myself and Denzel. Bernard released confetti from his confetti gun, and Tim simply stood proudly watching in the corner. We all embraced in a passionate hug of love. Another triumph for the DPDA and Tom Jones, and another loss for Elroy Crookes, who was sued for 2 million GBP and jailed for 1 year.

## Gallery

Jacquees giving his speechKhan and JeremyDenzel in the audienceDenzel fist-bumping a geezerDenzel floating in the skyBernard in disbelief upon hearing news of Denzel's arrestDenzel leaving Kensington Police StationBernard in his mansion after beginning the Denzel Is Innocent CampaignTim in the Denzel Pepper T-shirtTrevor in Bernard's mansion