Lynda Landon

— Lynda's parting words to Milo and Lola (determinant)

**Lynda Landon** is a character in *Afterparty*. Lola and Milo can choose to pursue her rather than Fela in hopes of a ticket to Satan's party. She can be found at the Durdy Hurdy Gurdy on Little Rantalia.

## Personality

Lynda is an aloof, weary, and reserved person with a sarcastic sense of humor. According to Sam Hill, she dislikes giving autographs and meeting people.

## Appearance

Lynda is an older woman with short, bluish-gray hair and dark shadows around her eyes. She wears a red-and-black striped shirt under a black leather jacket, black jeans with distressed knees, and black shoes, as well as a black choker and fingerless black gloves. She is described by Milo as a "lonely looking woman with [a] haunting stare and perfect cheek bones."

## Background

In life, Lynda was the lead singer of a witch band called Mercury Wyrm during the 70's. She eventually split from the group due to multiple factors, including her embezzlement of album profits and the fact that she would "[try] to rhyme orangutan in every song." After the split, Lynda pledged her soul to Satan for a successful career; although it worked, she only lived for six months afterwards until her 27th birthday in 1985, when she died in an incident while parasailing down the Detroit River. According to Sam, her solo album was titled *Helicopter Fuck House*, and she still holds feelings of embarrassment over it.

In Hell, Lynda resides in the fourth circle, where her punishment is to bare knuckle box a stone version of her 16-year-old self daily. Part of Lynda's contract in Hell is to perform shows at the Durdy Hurdy Gurdy. Her term currently lasts "roughly ten thousand years," minus the discount she received for spending a summer in San Antonio. A group of witches at the Durdy Hurdy Gurdy can state that Lynda hasn't signed an autograph since 1996, which may be due to the fact that the sharpies in Hell scream when used.

After Lynda split from the group, Mercury Wyrm recruited a keyboardist and started collaborating with "fifteen year old DJ's", skyrocketing to fame and becoming what Lola describes as a "synth monstrosity." According to Lynda, multiple of their album covers featured them posing with drugged white tigers. A week prior to the events of *Afterparty*, all of the members of Mercury Wyrm died in a plane crash and were sent to Hell, where they would be booked to play at Satan's house party the week later.

On the night of Mercury Wyrm's performance at Satan's, Lynda sent out a Bicker post requesting a drink in exchange for an invite. Although one person showed up beforehand claiming that he could play electric bagpipes and "charm" her manager, Onoskelis, into letting her go, Lynda never saw him again after he left to go speak with her. Lynda's Personal Demon during the night of the game is Sister Wendy Snaketail, who enjoys using fog machines and going to the "mother-daughter well", often by acting dismissed and like "[Lynda is her] only outlet."

## Plot

Upon discovering that they cannot enter Satan's house party without a VIP invitation to skip the line, Milo and Lola come across Lynda's post requesting a Woland's Margarita in exchange for an invite:

> "Hey twerps, I got an extra invite to Luke's House Jam for anyone who wants to get your ol' pal Lynda a margarita. #durdyhurdygurdy"
> - @reallyndalandon
>
>

Should Milo and Lola choose to pursue her over Fela, Sam drives them to Little Rantalia, where they find Lynda scrolling through her Bicker timeline at the Durdy Hurdy Gurdy. After getting her a drink, Lynda tells them about her past and reveals that she can't leave the bar due to being contractually obliged to play a show that night; if Milo asks her why, she replies that she "just got tired of getting up to go to the bar." After Lola brings up the idea of getting her out of the contract, Lynda tells them to talk to her manager and the bar's owner, Onoskelis, and wishes them luck.

Milo and Lola can go back and speak with Lynda both before and after picking either the chanters or Blackhouse to play the venue. After they finish the dance-off with Valac, Milo and Lola return to tell Lynda that she's free for the night, to which she expresses surprise. She reveals her apprehension over meeting up with her old bandmates as the walk back to Little Rantalia's dock; there, she thanks the two before being driven off in a taxi.

At Satan's party, Lynda calls for Milo during his encounter with Wormhorn, causing him to snap back to reality. During their ensuing conversation, Lynda reveals that she had a bad encounter with Mercury Wyrm upon meeting them and that Milo and Lola are "the closest things to friendly [she's] seen since [she] got here". She advises them to opt for the easier, cowardly routes in life before leaving them behind.

If Milo and Lola chose to pursue Fela instead of Lynda, Wormhorn later tells them that Lynda is "permanently affixed to an eternal misery due to [their] direct actions."

After completing Asmodeus and Apollyon's quests and returning to Welkin Way, Lynda texts Lola apologizing for her behavior, to which Lola can either tell Lynda to cheer up or respond negatively:

> Heyyy i'm sorry if i wus a synnm for a lady dog earlier. Just hated seeing theband al happy. Pisse dme off. Anyays hope your drinkin on me hahah lol xoxo
>
>

At the end of the game, if they chose to help her, Lynda is one of the options Milo and Lola can choose to recruit for their drink-off with Satan as well as Sam Hill, Apollyon, Asmodeus, Wormhorn, Fela, and the Drunk Idiot Demon. If they do, Lynda will have reservations after learning of Satan's situation, but will participate in the beer pong game.

If Milo and Lola chose to defeat Satan in the game, Satan will send them along with their two teammates back to Earth. Three months later, Lynda will appear and speak during their phone call, either in Milo's magic shop or Lola's city. If Milo and Lola chose to forfeit or lost to Satan and Lynda was one of their teammates, she will join them at Feisty's three months later for either Lola or Milo's new job celebration.

## Relationships

* Milo and Lola - Though she acts fairly impersonal towards the two, Lynda expresses her gratefulness towards Milo and Lola as they progress in getting her out of her contract. At Satan's party, she views them as one of the only friendly faces she's seen that night and leaves them with her advice on approaching choices in life. In the end, Lynda is willing to accompany Milo and Lola on their final contest against Satan.
* Onoskelis - Ono is Lynda's manager in Hell and is in charge of scheduling her performances. Lynda can tell Milo and Lola that managers "treat [musicians] like dog show poodles" and are "otherwise known as brokers."
* Sister Wendy Snaketail - Lynda's Personal Demon during the night of the game's events. She enjoys reminding Lynda that she feels dismissed and like "[Lynda is her] only outlet." Lynda describes Personal Demons as "hard to ignore, but... get easier to make fun of with time."
* Jane Myers - Jane is a member of Mercury Wyrm who, according to Lynda, ran a "'save the giraffes' PSA campaign" in life. If Milo and Lola get her out of her contract, Lynda later recounts her meeting with Jane to Lola: "I told Jane I fucked her brother, and she said she was glad I lost the baby."
* Bobby Francis - Bobby Francis is a member of Mercury Wyrm who, according to Lynda, "couldn't remember his daughter's name while [they] were on tour." Lynda's last interaction with Bobby was a fight over what to name their tour van's stuffed monkey, with Lynda stating, "His name is Rico... or I'll see you in Hell."

## Quotes

"*I **am** a musician, thank you. You don't stop being what you were just cause you died. That's why we have tombstones. So we can say, "See? I **am** that guy that burned eighteen orphans."*"
— Lynda to Lola if Milo says "I noticed you from across the way..." and then says nothing. (determinant)
"*If the second most powerful creature in the universe offered you everything you ever wanted in life... when you were at your lowest... you'd be surprised what you would do for that kind of clemency.*"
— Lynda to Milo if he asks why she would sell her soul during their first meeting. (determinant)
"*[scoffs] You don't really make an eternally binding soul contract with a demon-- unless you spent your last friend winning a two day game of Monopoly, kid.*"
— Lynda to Lola if she asks "Miss anybody on Earth?" while searching for a musician (determinant)
"*I have to say... I thought this was gonna be like baking cookies-- You plan on making these perfect lil' Christmas trees and they come out looking like somebody's father issues.*"
— Lynda to Milo and Lola after they succeed in getting her freed for the night. (determinant)
"*Friendships that long are like a marriage-- sometimes you just wanna boil a person's face off and shoot the EMT's as they come, but... Dying alone is just too scary to even entertain the alternative.*"
— Lynda to Milo and Lola as they walk back to the dock together. (determinant)
"*You're not dead until there's nobody left that remembers you. That's why everybody wants to be famous.*"
— Lynda to Milo and Lola as they walk back to the dock together. (determinant)
"*Look-- take it from me, Milo... The best way to combat your Personal Demons is to just drink until you can't remember your ex-husband's foot hair. Which is why you'll notice my Fuzzy Navel is only half full. And it's my fourth. In an hour.*"
— Lynda to Milo at Satan's party. (determinant)
**Milo:** "*I--I always thought it was better to, like, confront your issues head on. Right? Isn't that the-- the message from every Canadian TV show?*"
**Lynda:** "*Oh please, self-actualization is a scam invented by cat lovers. It's cheaper to drink and you die quicker.*"
— Lynda and Milo at Satan's party. (determinant)
**Lola:** "*What? I thought you wanted to, like, smooth things over? Be, uh, pro--pro-active with your--*"
**Lynda:** "*Spare me the therapy camp verbs. We hate each other and always will, the end, no post-script. Look, you're the closest things to friendly I've seen since I got here, so I'll give you some advice... Be a coward. Do what's easy. Live a lie. There's no honor in taking the hard road. And if you don't believe me, look around... there's a lot of Kamikaze pilots down here.*"
— Lynda and Milo at Satan's party. (determinant)
## Trivia

* Lynda's Bicker handle is @reallyndalandon. A quote from her account can be seen if the player orders the Great Fall at Welkin Way: "Nothing like a Great Fall to start the party off in a **smart and evil** direction."
* Lynda receives leeches in her coffee every morning. It is unknown whether this is a punishment specific to her or a general trait of Hell.
* Lynda keeps a diary and uses a sensory deprivation tank.
* As she died at age 27, Lynda would be a member of the 27 Club, an infamous list of celebrities who died at 27.
* According to Onoskelis:
	+ The last time Lynda was taken out was while she was living in a fourteen acre mansion in Beverly Hills.
	+ The last time Lynda had a birthday party, she was fifteen, working in her father's hotdog factory.
* Lynda finds seeing things explode fun.

## Gallery

### In-Game Art

Lynda's texting avatar.Lynda in one of Wormhorn's review slides."The Myth of the Miserable Musician"'s achievement icon
### Screenshots

Lynda sitting at her seat within the Durdy Hurdy Gurdy. (determinant)Lynda waiting outside the Durdy Hurdy Gurdy. (determinant)Lynda attending Satan's house party. (determinant)Lynda's text to Lola. (determinant)The optional Bicker photo of Lynda driving off in the taxi. (determinant)The optional Bicker photo of Lynda at Satan's party. (determinant)
## References

1. ↑ *"You're not like crazy fans of Lynda's, right? Cause she's not too big into autographs. Or meeting people."*
- Sam Hill at Welkin Way after Milo and Lola choose to pursue her for an invite. (determinant)
2. ↑ Milo to Lola as they enter the Durdy Hurdy Gurdy for the first time. (determinant)
3. ↑ - Lynda to Milo if he asks "Why'd you break up?" during their first meeting.
4. ↑ *"Oh, just a little something I've been working on. I think I'm gonna call it, "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Have I mentioned I've been dead since 1985?"*
-Lynda to Lola if she asks "What are you playing?" while searching for a musician. (determinant)
5. ↑ *"Anyways, we're almost there. Don't let on that you know Lynda. She's kind of embarrassed about her solo album, Helicopter Fuck House."*
- Sam Hill to Milo and Lola on the taxi ride to Little Rantalia. (determinant)
6. ↑ *"It doesn't matter who broke up with who except to the tabloids-- and to my diary and to the technician who ran my sensory deprivation tank."*
- Lynda to Milo if he asks "They broke up with you, right?" during their first meeting. (determinant)
7. ↑ **Milo:** *"Hey, so, sorry to bother you, but you look a little like the kid that let her balloon into the powerlines."*
**Lynda:** *"Eh, that kid would look a lot happier than me. Seeing stuff explode is fun. But no, I'm doing alright."*
Milo and Lynda if Milo asks "You look a little down." during their first meeting. (determinant)

## Navigation

 Monarchs
 1st and Izzard
 Bobolyne Park
 Little Rantalia
 Thrall City
 Minor Characters