The Perfect Phone Call

“The Perfect Phone Call”

French narrator: Ah, what a wonderful day in Bikini Bottom. Where the shallow seas get more shallower, the clams are chirping, and Donald Hump is alive.

Donald Trump: (on the phone) Hey Rudy [Giuliani], can you believe the election is just a year and a half away?!

Rudy Giuliani: I know, Mr. Trump. Bikini Bottomites definitely can't resist four more years of your signature policy, “BIKINI BOTTOM FIRST!”

Trump: Yeah, and my enemies are some pretty sloppy people. Imagine running against Democrats advocating for free healthcare, taking away your guns, open borders, partial birth abortion, and mountainous tax hikes.

Rudy: I don't know, Mr. Trump. 2016 was pretty close, so maybe don't get too comfortable.

Trump: (snorts) Yeah, but I'm the incumbent this time around. I get even more free press coverage than I did in 2016, which means I can spread more lies.. erm.. ahem. I mean the truth. Me and the RNC outraised those mannerless sheep tenfold!

Rudy: Yeah, but didn't the dirt on Crooked Hillary aid you in seizing and securing the Electoral College majority?

Trump: Eh, I bet there's a lotta dirt on the current field. I even told a member of the press, a funny-looking donkey horse named George, who’s best friends with this gorilla man, that I would love and would \*dearly\* appreciate the help of democratically elected leader Vladimir Putin of Shell City!

Rudy: Woah there. Smart move!

Trump: Yeah, I have a good… you know what.

Rudy: How will you take on Biden, the front runner, if he faces you?

Trump: Sleepy Joe wouldn't last one minute on the debate stage next to me. One tough question will cause all of his teeth to shatter and fall off. Probably will hit the slumber by the half. Crazy Bernie and Pocahontas are a bunch of socialists, so they're easy stuff!!

Rudy: But sir, they're all polling ahead of you. Biden faring the best out of them all against you in battleground states, but they're all competitive nimrods.

Trump: I have to admit, maybe socialism isn't easy to beat because of how easy it brainwashes young folk, but Joe Biden… hm, there must be something in his thirty, THIRTY, goodness, years in the Bikini Bottom Senate.

Rudy: Crime bill?

Trump: Nah. The radical left Democrats like to play the race card and accuse me of spineless “racism.” They'll probably point to the time I denied condos to African American fish and the time I tried so desperately hard, (yells out of breath) SO HARD, to get justice served for those five tiny “Central Park Five” rascals. What about from Sleepy Joe’s time as Vice President?

Rudy: I once read an article from the most unbiased news source ever — Breitbart — saying Joe actually committed a quid pro quo on one foreign policy decision.

Trump: That doesn't surprise me. Joe is a horrible dealmaker, and completely broken on foreign policy. He got us into the terrible Iraq War, trillions spent, thousands of lives lost, and we don't even have anything. Iran has taken over the oil reserves in Iraq.

Rudy: Don't lose sight of this, Mr. President. Bribery is against the U.S. Constitution.

Trump: Yeah! (throws hands up) So I’ll just bribe Shell City for more info on that instead!

Rudy: Genius! They must know more about it- actually sir, Biden did the quid pro quo with Ukraine, so it kinda makes sense to make a deal with the Ukrainians.

Trump: Genius! Rudy, you're a genius! So glad I hired you as my personal attonery. One of the best! Hold on- (calls over to Chief of Staff) Hey Mick, put me on the line with the dictator of Ukraine, please.

Mick Mulvaney: Sir yes sir. Got it!

(hands the phone)

Pres. Ukraine: Hello?

Trump: Why, hello there.

Pres. Ukraine: Greetings, Mr. B.B. President! What an honor it is to speak with you!

Trump: Thank you, sir! Congratulations on your victory and inauguration!

Pres. Ukraine: Why, thank you! I intend to strengthen relations between Ukraine and Bikini Bottom!

Trump: Yeah, I sorta need some help from you before we can achieve any prosperity. I am currently withholding $750 billion dollars in aid to your sovereign state because I'd like you to do us a small favor.

Pres. Ukraine: All right, go ahead.

Trump: Yeah, so in 2016, the best year ever for Bikini Bottom, your nation interfered with our elections in the most unprecedented and unreal assault on democracy. On the other hand, Shell City was totally in line! The Dems in Congress have pursued a witch hunt against me over Shell City falsely interfering, when all they were doing is legally helping or assisting, not interfering! So I need ya to confess this interference by the Ukrainians using “alternative facts.”

Pres. Ukraine: But sir-

Trump: Also, the Vice President of Bikini Bottom, Joe Biden, who was part of the most corrupt administration in our nation’s history, has seemingly engaged in behavior, that I deem in my high and unmatched wisdom, as completely unacceptable to the national interests of Bikini Bottom. I order you to publicly announce and investigation into this heinous federal crime.

Pres. Ukraine: But Mr. President, this aid is urgent. Shell City is-

Trump: NO BUTS! NO BUTS TO THE MOST POWERFUL GENIUS ON EARTH!

Pres. Ukraine: But-

Trump: I command you!

Pres. Ukraine: What exactly is it?

Trump: Joe Biden withheld aid by the B.B. to get a key prosecutor investigating a company that his son sits on the board of, fired. Definition of quid pro quo.

Mick Mulvaney: (whispers to aides) Isn't he doing the… exact. same. thing… now?

Hope Hicks: Don't worry. No one will find out. Just conceal the transcript, ASAP!!!!

Dan Scavino: We can't let the filthy Democrats in Congress find out!

Anchovies: Meep! Meep! Meep!

(scene back to the phone call conversation)

Pres. Ukraine: Okay, Mr. President. I'll see what I can do.

Trump: Thanks again! And my buddy Mike will be attending your inauguration, once you announce it!

Pres. Ukraine: Thank you, sir! The electoral comeback wasn't easy, but it was relieving! We worked hard!

Trump: I will be asking my personal lawyer, Mr. Rudolph W. Giuliani to pay a call to you, as well as the Attorney General to get to the bottom of this. They are great guys, incredible people. I want to ensure justice and that Mr. Biden pays the price.

Pres. Ukraine: No problem, and I look forward to strengthening relations between Bikini Bottom and Ukraine in the near future!

Trump: Indeed, once again, congratulations on the victory! I'll ask Rudy and Attorney General Barr to call you. And we can work out a meeting in the White House in Washington whenever it works for you!

Pres. Ukraine: Thank you, Mr. President! Bye-bye.

(call ends)

Barr: (to Pompeo) We’re screwed.

Pompeo: Why would the fool be so open and clear with his request? All of us are vulnerable.

Hope Hicks: Shhhh! Just be quiet. No one will know.

Donald Trump: (walks out of office) (clasps hands) Well! That's a job well done! Sleepy Joe won't see it coming!

French narrator: A few weeks later…

Johnny Elaine: THIS IS A BREAKING STORY! Sources tell us a whistleblower, within the intelligence committee, has filed a complaint against the President of Bikini Bottom alleging unprecedented abuse of power.

Perch Perkins: We are here live outside the Bikini Bottom Capitol where lawmakers are being briefed on an unplanned phone call between the President and the Ukrainian leader, outlining a potential breach of the Constitution and bribery scheme. To complicate things, breaking standard procedure, the Inspector General of the Intelligence Committee also withheld the complaint from Congress, essentially obstructing the separation of powers. Back to the studio.

Johnny Elaine: We will be right back in a few short minutes.

Trump: (on Twitter.BB) WITCH HUNT!

French narrator: A few minutes later...

Trump: (on Twitter.BB) PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!

French narrator: A few seconds later…

Trump: (on Twitter.BB) THIS IS THE MOST UNFAIR PROCESS IN HUMAN HISTORY! Why can't I be lavished, respected, or praised like a God like my friend Kim Jong Un from the North Pacific?! At this moment in time, I declare the transcript of my PERFECT call to the leader of Ukraine as… DECLASSIFIED AT ONCE! EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! #ReadTheTranscript

(walks outside to the press)

Trump: I think they should investigate the Bidens! CHINA should investigate the Bidens!

(scene transitions back to Bikini Bottom News [BBN])
Johnny Elaine: And here we are back with another guest, the ringmaster behind all of this, New Kelp City’s Former Mayor, Mr. Rudolph W. Giuliani. Welcome to the show, sir.

Rudy Giuliani: (sips a cup of coffee) Great to be with you.

Johnny: What is your role?

Rudy: My client is the President of Bikini Bottom.

Johnny: Did you ask Ukraine to start an investigation into the Bidens?

Rudy Giuliani: No. I asked Ukraine regarding their interference in the 2016 elections benefiting Hillary Clinton.

Johnny: So nothing about Hunter Biden, or Joe, or...

Rudy Giuliani: (trembling) No, the only thing I asked the Ukrainians to look into was the most abysmal and jaw-dropping abuse of power by the Obama administration, unheard of in the history of the world.

Johnny: Please elaborate.

Rudy: President Obama appointed Joe Biden to lead the Bikini Bottom policy on Ukraine, yet that itself presents a conflict of interest. Even worse, Biden withheld a billion dollars in aid for Ukraine because he wanted to protect his son and a company linked to his son from this corruption investigation by a prosecutor. He held money until the prosecutor was fired!!

Johnny: So you did ask Ukraine to look into the Bidens.

Rudy: Of course I did!

Johnny: But you just said you didn't.

Rudy: No I didn't. I asked them to look into the fraud and abuse of power and corruption.

Johnny: Rudy, this is national TV. The cameras are watching.

Rudy: (throws his arms in the air) I KNOW THAT!

(Twitter.BB explodes after that moment. Cameos present)

(Scene transitions to Bikini Bottom Public Access)

BBPA Anchor #1 (Walter Scallop): And we have some major breaking news for today, the Speaker of the House of Representatives is making a major announcement: after reportedly a majority of House members came out in favor of impeachment, she will officially initiate an official impeachment inquiry against the President of Bikini Bottom. This is a developing story.

(Scene transitions to the White House in a last minute plan to get the Speaker to ditch the plans. Phone call goes on)

Trump: Pelosi! Please! Spare me a presidency!

Pelosi: The Constitution cannot be compromised.

Trump: The transcript was perfect. The phone call was PERFECT!

(a few seconds later on Twitter.BB, Trump tweets: “READ THE TRANSCRIPT!”)

Pelosi: Joe Biden is a political opponent, not within the national collective interests of Bikini Bottom.

Trump: He's not even the nominee! I have a United Nations visit to attend, and all you do is spew this nonsense.

Pelosi: Mr. President, when it comes to upholding our oaths, even if you don't uphold yours, I will always uphold mine. Thank you for your time. (hangs up)

French narrator: One hour later…

Pelosi: I am announcing, against the President of Bikini Bottom, the commencement of an official impeachment inquiry.

With that being said, I am appointing Mr. Schiff, Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, as the officer prosecuting and leading the Case against Donald Trump.

French narrator: A few days later… in the House Intelligence Committee…

Mr. Schiff: Greetings, distinguished witnesses. Your crucial knowledge is critical to protecting our government and separation of powers. Mr. IG, what do you make of this?

Inspector General: (testifying) Well, sir, if I may, the President, here, uh, he, uh, he sort of, uh…

Mr. Schiff: Just get on with it!

Inspector General: He sort of asked…

Mr. Schiff: Directed?!

Inspector General: Wondered…

Mr. Schiff: Pressured?!

Inspector General: Speculated…

Mr. Schiff: Commanded?!

Inspector General: Communicated with me regarding the transcript and it being withheld from the Bikini Bottom Congress. He thinks the whistleblower is a spy from the depths of Ukraine.

Mr. Schiff: Interesting. With his denial of more witnesses, and interfering with intelligence, he is obstructing the work and oversight of the Congress. Ms. Ambassador, what do you know?

Frmr. Ambassador to Ukraine: Well, sir, you see, Mr. Trump and his conservative followers did a massive smear campaign against me as Ambassador as I was pushing for an anti-corruption Bikini Bottom policy on Ukraine.

Mr. Schiff: So Mr. Trump loves corruption?

Frmr. Ambassador to Ukraine: He loves it when he benefits it. His man, Rudy, worked with a corrupt prosecutor to get me removed, and his actions speak louder than his denials.

Mr. Schiff: Fair enough. Thank you for your time.

(Scene transitions to the airways, where Trump gets pounded)

Mike Bloomberg ad: Corruption. Corruption. Corruption.

We've got a President who's all about corruption.

Mr. President -- Stop tweeting and do your job.

Play fair elections, don't kiss up to foreign leaders for a ride to victory.

I'm Mike Bloomberg, and I approve this message.

The Democratic Coalition ad: This is a clear an unprecedented abuse of power.
Pelosi -- “He's becoming self-impeachable.”
No one is above the law.
Johnny Elaine -- “did you ask Ukrainians to investigate the Bidens”
Rudy Giuliani -- “of course I did! Of course!”
Contact your senators today. Urge them to put country over party, and remove Trump from office!

(dark music ends the ad, and ends the episode)