Pizza Pieholes/Transcript

## Transcript

[This episode begins at Jack's Pizza Shack. Mike, Connor, and Kyle sit at a table, waiting for their pizza.]

**MIKE: Hmm, pretty dead around here. And where the hell's our pizza? It's been twenty minutes!**

**CONNOR: Gee, Mike, if you love pizza so much, why don't you marry it?**

**MIKE: (slaps Connor) Quiet, you!**

[Connor grunts in angrily and holds up his pointer finger. Suddenly, three chefs storm out of the kitchen angrily.]

**CHEF 1: That ees eet!**

**CHEF 2: We are through with this dump!**

**CHEF 3: If that boss thinks that firing us will save him money, then that is ze last straw! We're outta here!**

[The chefs leave the restaurant.]

**MANAGER: (offscreen; Mike watches) Wait, come back! I'm sorry! (sobs)**

**MIKE: Gee, I feel really bad for that manager. He must be running an unsuccessful pizzeria around here. (thinks) Hmmm... (slaps Connor and Kyle) Hey, fellas. This gives me an idea!**

**KYLE: What is it, Mike? You're gonna hit us a lot more?**

**MIKE: (pokes Kyle's eyes) Watch your mouth, smart guy! Did you see those three walk out of here?**

**KYLE: Yeah?**

**CONNOR: So?**

**MIKE: So, since those chefs got the slip, maybe we could be chefs for a living, and we can impress that down-in-the-dumps pizzeria owner.**

**CONNOR: But, Mike, we’re teens!**

**MIKE: (slaps Connor) Shut up, you lamebrain. Just because we’re teenagers doesn’t mean we can’t have jobs.**

**KYLE: Wow, Mike. You have the best idea ever.**

**CONNOR: Yeah, what he said.**

**MIKE: I know. (grabs them by their hairs) Now come with me.**

**CONNOR & KYLE: Owowowowowowow!**

[The manager of the pizzeria named Jack sits at his desk in his office, smoking a cigar.]

**MANAGER: (sighs) Getting rid of those chefs was a pain in the ass! If only I had three chefs that could save me money, then I would make a profit!**

[Knock knock on the door.]

**MANAGER: Come in.**

[They knock again.]

**MANAGER: I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! NOW COME IN HERE!**

[The boys enter his office.]

**MIKE: Good afternoon, sir. You’re looking at highly professional chefs that could help you make money. (detailed close up of him)**

**MANAGER: Oh, really? Do you have any previous job experiences?**

**KYLE: Hey, Mike, you do realize we work at a cafe, right?**

**MIKE: Yeah, but this is our second job.**

**MANAGER: Okay, you work at a cafe. (mutters) Interesting. (speaking) So what are your names?**

**MIKE: My name is Mike Mormon, and these are my bastards, Connor and Kyle.**

**KYLE: Hello.**

**MIKE: (notices that Connor is sleeping and slaps him to wake him up) Wake up, you!**

**CONNOR: Oh, are we in China?**

**MIKE: No, we’re in Mexico. You idiot, we’re in the office of a pizzeria manager.**

**CONNOR: Oh, okay.**

**MANAGER: Still interesting. So are you good at cooking pizza?**

**MIKE: Sure we are.**

**CONNOR: (whispering) But, Mike, we don’t know anything about making pizza.**

**KYLE: Yeah.**

**MIKE: (punches Kyle and Connor) Well, I do. Now shut up and let me do the talking. (to Manager) Yes, we’re good at making pizza.**

**MANAGER: Okay, then. You’re hired.**

**MIKE: Yes!**

**MANAGER: (gives them job applications) But first, you have to sign these job applications.**

[Later, the three, dressed in chef outfits, are in the kitchen, preparing to make pizza.]

**CONNOR: So, Mike, how do we make pizza?**

**KYLE: Yeah.**

**MIKE: (slaps Connor and Kyle and they grunt in anger) Shut up. I’ll tell you what. I’ll make the dough. Connor, you go cut the cheese.**

**CONNOR: (offscreen) Soitenly!**

**MIKE: And Kyle, you go cut the pepperoni.**

**KYLE: (offscreen) Yes, sir!**

**MIKE: Now get to work, both of you!**

[Moments later, Mike finishes making the dough.]

**MIKE: Well, the dough is finally done! Now it's time to do the "dough toss" cliche! (tosses the dough in the air and it lands on him) Of course I knew this was going to happen!**

[Cut to Connor farting. Mike walks up to him.]

**CONNOR: Teeheeheehee!**

**MIKE: Hey!**

[Mike gets farted on the face and grunts in anger.]

**CONNOR: Excuse me, Mike.**

**MIKE: (grunts) Why are you farting, Connor?**

**CONNOR: Well, you did tell me to cut the cheese! (drum riff)**

**MIKE: (slaps Connor) Not that cheese, nincompoop! (grabs cheese) This cheese! Now get to work!**

[Mike goes back to making the dough.]

**CONNOR: (grabs a knife and aims it at cheese) Aw, I can't do it! This cheese looks harmless.. (puts knife down and holds cheese) I’ll call you ‘Craters’, since you have craters all over your body.**

[The cheese begins to cry. Connor shushes it and puts a pacifier in one of his craters. He rocks it to sleep.]

**CONNOR: (singing lullaby) Rock-a-bye, Cheesy, on the treetop.**

[Cut to Kyle, cutting the pepperoni.]

**KYLE: There we go! The pepperoni is chopped!**

**MIKE: Kyle, you forgot to unwrap the pepperoni.**

**KYLE: Crap!**

[Mike puts sauce on the dough.]

**MIKE: You just been sauced.**

**KYLE: Phew, thank God that wasn't my blood!**

**MIKE: (offscreen) Do you want it to be?**

**KYLE: No.**

**MIKE: (offscreen) Then, quit your complaining, you worry-whale!**

[Cut to Connor, breastfeeding Craters. Mike looks at this.]

**MIKE: What in Christ's name are you doing with the cheese?**

**CONNOR: Oh, hey, Mike! I was just breastfeeding my baby cheese Craters. Isn't he cute?**

**MIKE: (gets spitted at by Craters) No, he isn't, you imbecile. You were supposed to shred the cheese into little sprinkles, not raise it like a mother. (takes Craters away from him) Give me that! (shreds the cheese)**

**CONNOR: Mike, what are you doing? Noooooooooooo!**

[‘Craters’ is now shredded into sprinkles of cheese. Mike crazily laughs.]

**CONNOR: (deep voice) You did it now, Mike! (sniffs) Now you’ve really done it! (sniffs; bawls loudly; Mike tries to slap him but Connor slaps his hand) Don’t touch me!**

**MIKE: You melonhead, blocks of cheese aren’t for raising, they’re for shredding and eating. Try getting that into your little brain, okay?**

[Later, the pizza is all ready to serve. Mike gives it to a customer.]

**MIKE: Here you go, sir. You’re our first customer to serve our pizza to.**

**CUSTOMER: Gee, thanks, sir. (the pizza slips off his hand and lands on his pants) Yeowch, my pants! They’re covered in pizza. Now, I have to go back to the laundromat to get this cleaned again! I’m outta here!**

[The customer leaves. That gets the manager out here and cries.]

**MANAGER: My customers are gone! (starts crying; he then gets angry at the boys) YOU! YOU GUYS CAUSED THIS TO HAPPEN!**

**MIKE: Wha-what’re you going to do to us?**

**MANAGER: Well, that's a good question! YOU’RE FIRED! Now get out of here! Scram!**

[The boys run out of the restaurant and down the town.]

**BOYS: Wumbububuububububumb!**

[The end.]