2021 Power Rankings-Week 1

## Introduction

Aloha. Or as they say in Hawaii, hello/goodbye/love and fellowship! It's New Season's Eve Day and I'm still away on my honeymoon, representing the first time being out of the continental United States during the NFL season since 2015, when I was also in Hawaii. It was the divisional round and the Patriots came back from down 14...twice. I watched in my hotel room with Papa and then we went on a nice sunset boat tour and saw some whales.

Later that year, still riding the high off Brady's fourth ring, I took a promotion that brought me to Park City, Utah. On the way there, I went to Mile HIgh Stadium and watched Manning in a pre-season game for Denver. It was the last time I'd see him play live (Nate and I once saw him lose vs. Mike Vick in an epic Philly/Indy showdown that ended 26-24, please DON'T tell Pat). I texted Duck Punchers that Peyton had nothing left and the Patriots were going to waltz to another AFC title. I was right about Manning having nothing left, but wrong about the Patriots. That's neither here nor there, the Great MattJinx of 2015 is not the point of the story.

The point of the story is that two days after that game, I arrived in Park City. I met Kenzie. I courted her, fell for her, married her, and now, still riding the high off Brady's SEVENTH ring, I am once again in Hawaii. This time, I'm a married man. But nothing else has changed. I took a promotion earlier this year. I'm looking forward to watching Tommy do his thing from the Hawaiian islands. I have enjoyed myself a nice sunset boat tour. No whales but saw some spinner dolphins.

Oh,

And I have still not won an LOC championship.

In fact, only three people have won an LOC championship in the last six years. Shotti won back-to-back-to-back, then Sweet Dee took one home in a very random 2012 Ravens-esque non-dynasty fashion. Since then it's been the reign of Paddock 9, who has now won two straight. Beginning to look a bit like the Kansas City Chiefs, Paddock was riding a high-octane offense of Mahomes and AJ Brown, along with some serious talent at RB. But to win in 2020, they took a mortgage out on their future, and that loan came due in the 2021 draft. Going over 40 spots between picks, Paddock 9 came out of the draft looking like the team to beat. And by that I mean when you saw them on the schedule, you'd think "oh that's a team I'll beat."

So this season is wide open. Whether that means Paddock 9 finds a way to threepeat, or Commish gets himself a wedding ring and a Glory Bowl ring in the same year, or one of you other eight shmucks wins it all, is for future us to find out.

What am I even fucking going on about right now? This opener is longer than my damn vows. It's time to kick the season off with the first power rankings! Mahalo atcha boi! Had a couple piña coladas so I'm ready to do this thing.

## Partners in Crime

The season has not even officially started and we already have two trades, both involving Paddock 9. The team certainly is aware of the need to move and shake, and there has been plenty of movement.

While Paddock 9 has by far had the most trades in the LOC, he isn't the only one who has enjoyed a fair share of wheeling and dealing throughout the league's long and storied history. Here is a chart showing all the trade partners the league has ever had and the frequency of the exchanges.

NOTE: Joke trades are not tabulated (i.e. 13th for a 13th to start the season).

Shotti, not one for playing well with others I see. Other shockers on this list? Risk-averse Multiverse of Mattness with the third most trades. However, all were to either RIPDab or Paddock 9 with the exception of one. That says to me that he is only willing to trade with people in the league he knows aren't as smart as him. And Sweet Dee, don't listen to what everyone is saying behind your back in the group thread about how you don't participate in the league. SD has traded with five different partners over the years, and that doesn't include the vetoed trade with Papa's Posse where he tried to sell her a guy with a broken leg (and would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids).

## Opening Day Standings (Minimum Two Games)

Updated 9/20/20

Opening day is my favorite week of the season. You win opening day and you pretty much feel like you made playoffs. You do the easy math: seven wins gets you in. Shit, you already have one whole win! That means you just need to go .500 the rest of the way. .500 is nothing, you're 1.000 right now! You may fuck around and go .600 just to show off. Then, when you lose week two, hey that's all part of the plan. .500 baby. You got this. Just win week three and you're right on schedule.

Of course, there's the other side of that equation. You lose week one, it's time to kill yourself. All that prep during the off-season just to come up short week one. Nevermind that this is now a 14-game season and you could just as easily rip off 13 straight wins. You lost week one? Fucking burn your house down. Sell all your players. Give your pets up for adoption because you're an unfit owner. Do you have a baby? Probably can't even look that thing in the eye. Not trying to be dramatic but losing week one is probably top one worst feelings in the world.

Last season I won opening day and really was feeling unstoppable. I then proceeded to only beat Jared the rest of the season. So the truth is week one is just another week. Could be week 6. Or week 11. Or week 4. But damn does it feel different, right?

One of these days I really hope we can convince IAMGROOT to come back for one more season to try and break that opening day losing streak...

## Week One Power Rankings - Wedding Vow Edition

Whether you're married or just living with a loved one, you know what it means to make promises to a significant other. Today, your significant other is yourself, and you each have a vow to make that will ensure a season of happiness.

### 1. Ma Ma Momma Said (Commish Offish Projection: 10-4)

* "I vow to try buying before I try selling"

Wow, that's beautiful Jared, thank you for sharing. Yes folks, I'm putting Momma up top. Why? Well, as you may or may not know I fucking got projected to go 14-0 and then lost a star player less than a week later. So I'm not putting myself up here. But why momma? With a base of Kittle and Diggs for keepers, momma built herself a top-3 RB corp and a decent WR group to compliment the comeback kid Dak Prescott and a sneaky great defense in Indy. The one thing momma may need to learn how to do is play the role of the buyer instead of the seller. Momma may be a master tanker, but he needs to view his tank as half-full and try to bolster a decent roster before he winds up on the bubble yet again.

### 2. RIPDab (Commish Offish Projection: 9-5)

* "I vow to stay the course and not live or die with every play"

It's no secret, this dog has lost its bite. Year after year of getting beat by Shotti has taken all the fight out of RIPDab, which is weird because I know this manager still loves the game of fantasy football. So why, after one loss, or one injury, or one bad decision, or one bad play, does RIPDab fold every year? Blame it on a vetoed trade from 2018, or on Shotti, or on being Chantel's biotch, but the question remains: why does such a passionate manager lose his fire so early every season? With a current 10-4 projection, expectations are once again high. WR group needs improvement, but there's a lot of potential on this roster. Will this be the year RIP perseveres?

### 3. The Multiverse of Mattness (Commish Offish Projection: 9-5)

* "I vow to have more fun"

Let's address the Eddy Lacy-sized elephant in the room: I changed my team name. GBM was my identity for years, but it is a name I associate with too much frustration and angst. Last few seasons, injuries and bad beats have been the name of the game. A team that could have easily gone all the way in 2020 went 3-10 instead. By many accounts, it defies odds and all logic/reality. I sort of know how Donald Trump felt losing that election. How the fuck? I'm so great and smart and definitely not losing my hair, this can't be possible. Still don't understand how it happened, but it did. It's over. This year, Mattness needs to go back to 2011 Commish. This is HIS league. It's his Multiverse. If he can find some enjoyment in the game of fantasy, and stop pressing, he might discover his swagger yet again.

### 4. Papa's Posse (Commish Offish Projection: 7-7)

* "I vow to give Gen Z a chance"

Projected 5th on Yahoo and ranked 3rd on FantasyPros, Papa had arguably his best draft ever. The decision to keep Tom Brady, only to draft Aaron Rodgers, is a head-scratcher even he cannot explain. Rodgers is truly on the all-decade panic pick team. But let's move on. Papa has two HOF QBs, not the worst situation. Otherwise, great draft from an average drafter. But the big issue for Papa continues to be that he drafts old. He has his guys and he goes for them. In doing so, he loses advantage over the managers who research and keep tabs on the young guns. If Papa wants to compete, he needs to research and get to know the newbies, or the second-year breakout candidates, and hop on them before someone else does.

### 5. The Shotti Bunch (Commish Offish Projection: 7-7)

* "I vow to channel my dy-nasty self and remind the world why I'm the team to fear"

Shotti is now three seasons removed from his Threepeat. The Day the Dynasty Died in week 13 of 2018 was like the Death Star being blown up at the end of A New Hope. There was no doubt at the time that TSB was the team. Since then? Two trips to the consolation tournament in three years. Last season they tanked for high draft picks in 2021. HOWEVAH, it’s hard to see that when reviewing the roster. Similar to Papa, their team looks a little old. The decision to keep Edmonds was risky. And using an early pick on Michael Thomas was either a stroke of genius or a death blow. His placement on the PUP list was certainly not ideal. This is the year that Shotti needs to make it clear he knows what he’s doing and isn’t just throwing darts blindfolded.

### 6. Duck Punchers (Commish Offish Projection: 7-7)

* "I vow to not add Adrian Peterson when he signs with a shitty team next month"

First and foremost, I'd like to say that Duck and I are both members of the Lamb Fam (AKA the CeeDee squad). Duck came up with that one, not going to take credit for the brilliance. I like the potential of Lamb a LOT. I like Barkley's potential. I like Mixon's potential. I like Dame Harris's potential. I like the potential here. But a lot of these players still have to prove themselves as weekly contributors, be it due to injury last season or youth or new teams or new QBs. There are a lot of question marks. One thing I do know is that Duck is one of the league's most savvy owners. He just needs to avoid bringing in one of his "guys" like Adrian Peterson, no matter how tempting that may be. He's also projected to blow out Paddock 9 to avenge his Glory Bowl loss.

### 7. Sweet Dee (Commish Offish Projection: 6-8)

* "I vow to work the waiver wire"

Sweet Dee made the 9th-fewest roster moves in the year last season on their way to a modest 8-5 record and ultimately a 6th place finish. In 2019, it was a 4-9 season with just 11 roster moves. Fleecing Nate is obviously one way to gain momentum, but similar to Papa (the record holder for fewest official roster moves with an avg of just 14 per season), they don't do enough with free agency. Part of the problem is the unique way in which we conduct business. There is no real waiver wire, in case no one has noticed. This is the only league I have ever played in where you can add/drop guys mid-play. Like, Gardner Minshew is on your bench when he takes the snap and by the time he's thrown an incompletion he's been released and replaced by the guy he was throwing to. Maybe Chan just can't hang now that she's a mom? Who knows...

Also, additional baby elephant: Nate and Chan are parents now. Pretty freaking cool. They become the third and fourth parent managers in the league, following Papa and The Stupid Idiot. Congrats grads. Kid is wicked cute. Sad he's being raised in a one-trophy household.

### 8. Pain Train (Commish Offish Projection: 6-8)

* "I vow to stop making excuses"

Someone always gets screwed by the early draft, and inevitably that someone is Pain Train. Nevermind that we all drafted at the same time with the same info and the same pool of players. Pain Train is already pissed he couldn't change his keeper to James Robinson because of the injury to Travis Etienne, since my wording was that you could change your keeper "if there was a major injury.: I obviously meant to the player you were keeping, but loopholes be loopin'! Whatever, I held strong and told him no and now Pain Train's season apparently has an asterisk next to it. You could blame everything on something. Or...you can just play the game? But that's not Pain Train's vibe. Pain Train is the league's greatest heel, much to Pat's chagrin. He riles up the thread, he takes no prisoners, and he always says the wrong thing at the wrong time. Mind you, I'm talking about Pain Train. Chris is the nicest guy in the world and I'm rooting for him. Pain Train though? FUCK that guy!

### 9. The Stupid Idiots (Commish Offish Projection: 5-9)

* "I vow to not waste the prime of Nick Chubb's career"

TSI is going to mess around and waste Chubb's prime years, isn't he? I thought that Chubb was one of the rare players, like Kamara for Mattness, who had never played for another team in the LOC. But here is a fun fact that should keep a couple teams up at night: Chubb was drafted as a rookie in the 14th round by Papa's Posse. He was dropped after one game and replaced with Nyheim Hines. Interesting choice. But then he was picked up by Pain Train (because name a player Pain Train hasn't picked up just for the hell of it). Mind you, he wasn't picked up immediately. He sat, available, for all of September. He was picked up October 2nd, kept for a week, and then dropped for Robby Anderson on October 10th. On October 15th he was picked up by The Stupid Idiots and he's been there ever since. Now before we go and call Papa and Pain Train and all the rest of us a bunch of morons, here was Chubb's output through October 15th:

1. 3.38
2. 1.85
3. 1.15
4. 46.88 (pretty goooood!)
5. 0.40 (pretty not good)
6. 3.28

* Rush Yards per game: 28.83
* Fantasy points per game: 9.49

How about the rest of the season?

* Yards per game: 89
* Fantasy points per game: 28.43

Was Nick the luckiest sonofabitch to ever be a stupid idiot? Maybe. Or maybe he was on top of his shit. It was that week that Carlos Hyde, Cleveland's starter at the time, was traded to the Jags. Chubb took over the starting role and TSI was the guy to land the prize. Timing is everything. But now, for fuck's sake, don't blow it. TSI needs to recapture that spark that landed him Chubb in 2018, using intuition and reflex and gut. He has the hunger for wins, but it has never translated in LOC.

### 10. Paddock 9 (Commish Offish Projection: 4-10)

* "I vow to tank so biggly it will be the biggest tank you've ever seen I swear it will be the greatest and we're going to build a wall...a wall, and I'm going to make Chris pay for it."

I know I'm giving this manager exactly what he wants. I can hear him now. Julian Edelman in Super Bowl 51: "it's going to be a helluva story!" He wants to be doubted, he wants to be counted out, he wants to be the underdog again. It fuels him. Well, this isn't a real gridiron. Adrenaline can only get you so far. His team fucking sucks and he knows it. We all know it. Yahoo has him going 2-12. I think that's generous. It may be another season of Paddock stacking those L's.

Should I give the guy more words here since he's one of the only people who reads this and since he is literally the only person who uses the statistics on the website consistently? I could. Or I could do more stat stuff!

## Never Tell Me the Odds!

Yahoo projections are a joke, right? They see your draft and they tell you the future. But teams change. Injuries. Trades. Add/drops. Start/sits. Projections are not reality. But how often has Yahoo's Draft Day Projections been...close? For example, let's just pick a random number: five. Five is a good cut off. Five wins and you're headed to the loser's bracket. How many times did Yahoo project a team to go 5-8 or WORSE? Of those teams, how many defied the odds and made the playoffs? I'm glad you asked.

Here's the part that should send a chill down your spine. The team that was projected to go 0-13 that made the playoffs? Paddock 9 when he won it all in 2019. Sweet dreams, everybody.

## Single Season Win/Loss Records

In total, there have been 102 full seasons in the LoC. In 2011, 12 teams played 13 regular season games. Since then, there have been nine more full 13-game seasons played with ten teams in each.

## All-Time Regular Season Win/Loss Records

Below are the all-time regular season records for every franchise in the history of the league, including defunct teams. Records are updated through 12/13/20. There have been 130 regular season weeks since the league's inception in 2011.

## Matchup of the Week - Revenge is a Dish Best Served Week One

No pressure, but this week we are all facing off against the exact teams that we faced to end our seasons last year. Glory Bowl, Salty Dolphin Bowl, Cinco De Lose-O, Heart and Soul Bowl, and Million Dollar Game rematches to kick off 2021. Of those, it has to be the Glory Bowl X rematch that is our first matchup of the week.

### Duck Punchers vs. Paddock 9

Take a look at this long and epic rivalry.

Tied at 1-1, 5-5, 6-6, 7-7, 8-8, 9-9, and 10-10, these teams have exchanged haymakers for a decade. No team has won more than two straight games against the other since 2016. They have met in the postseason each of the last SIX seasons. They've faced off in the Glory Bowl, the Cinco De Lose-0, the Million Dollar Game, the Semifinals, AND the quarterfinals. If you're Duck Punchers, 10-11 just doesn't look as even as it does to the rest of us. The guy is a whopping 0-6 vs. Paddock in the month of December when the games become win or go home. On the other hand, that makes them 10-5 in the regular season and bodes well for them in week one, where they lead the league all-time in wins.

## Conclusion

Please, I'm no hero, pumping out the power rankings on my honeymoon, I'm just a martyr and I expect to milk this for the entire season.

Hope you all enjoy opening night (or opening afternoon if you're watching from paradise...oh, just me? weird). I'll be back Saturday night so I'm sure we'll all be trash talking or commiserating Sunday approx. 3pm.

Also, as far as Headhunters goes...I'll get those writeups popping off next week.

Aloha.