292: Is Condom a Condiment?

## Summary

The party say goodbye to Bernard, who goes back to the hotel to wait with Sheemie and Rosco dog. Everyone then gets into the river, where they reacquaint themselves with breathing under water and find a few interesting items on the riverbed, including, very weirdly, the exact same doll's house from the Durst house. Eventually they discover that they can avoid the great tumult of water and approach the spillway itself by staying under the water.

## Synopsis

The group discuss whether Bernard should accompany them under the lake, or go back to the hotel and wait with Sheemie and Rosco dog. Bernard reveals he can actually turn into a host of other animals the rest of them have never seen him turn into, including underwater creatures. He suggests an octopus. Will points out that they don't know if Bernard's situation is the same as before; he might not be able to come back if he dies. Raphina asks what Bernard's been up to since Barovia, and he talks about being in limbo, then purple hazes, and how he couldn't get close to Will. Rosco finds this all fascinating and is keen for Bernard to accompany them in the form of some powerful and water-breathing creature, but Will vetoes this suggestion. *"No Rosco. He's not going. He's not powerful,"* he says. Bernard transforms into a monkey (complete with opposable thumbs for opening hotel doors) and clambers away.

Will expresses his doubts about following through with the plan to use these keys. Can they trust Thalia, the pink-haired lady? What if it's a trap and the dam explodes in their faces? Batthwack points out that there was no image of that in the book and Raphina admits that she'd be quite happy if the dam did explode. *"I just want to stick 'em in! Let's just stick 'em in!"* she says. Batthwack suggests they get in the water and take a look at least, recalling that they were standing under water in the the picture of them using the keys, and begins making his way down a set of stairs to the river's edge. Rosco mixes the *Potion of Water Breathing* with some whiskey and begins chugging it back. Mid-chug he suddenly feels his breath catch momentarily, and then he's fine; the potion seems to have taken effect. He then turns his hat inside out, fixing it to his head with a band, like a shower cap, and dives into the river. Will patiently watches this incredible display and then opts to simple use the stairs.

Will begins taking his shoes and socks off, leaving them on the riverbank, as Raphina cartwheels into the water somewhat un-elegantly, and Batthwack sinks slowly below the surface. He takes a breath, and just like the other time he tried it, it strikes him as oddly natural. It's not too dark under the water and he can see fairly well. The bottom of the river is relatively firm, if a little unclean. A few things lay scattered around: a bicycle, a pile of spatulas and a teapot, amongst the general detritus of bottles and trash. The teapot immediately makes him think of Raphina, and he comes back up to the surface to tell her about it.

While Raphina dives down to check out the teapot, Will berates Batthwack for encouraging her. *"You know she's gonna try to make us tea with that now?"* he says. *"I know, but maybe it'll taste good,"* is Batthwack's reply. Raphina reappears riding the bike, carrying an armful of spatulas, one of which she actually uses to try and scrape some of the mustard off Rosco, only to discover with some surprise that it really won't budge. Much to Will's annoyance at all this time-wasting, she goes back down again to look for the teapot, this time spotting an extravagant doll's house lying on it's side. It has an oddly familiar style about it, reminding her of the of architecture she'd seen in Barovia. Without thinking much about it, she points this out to Batthwack and the two of them realise that they can not only breath under water easily, but talk too! The doll's house is full of tiny furniture and items (including a set of tiny spatulas in a tiny kitchen draw), fixed in place so that despite being on its side it's all still perfectly arranged.

Will walks further into the river and begins making his way towards the roiling and churning water at the bottom of the spillway where water pours down the steep slope from the top of the dam. The way is completely blocked. The river is getting deeper and deeper as he approaches, so eventually there is no other option than to go under the surface. With all four of them now together under water, Will catches a glimpse of the doll's house and is immediately taken aback, recognising it as the exact same one he'd seen in the Durst house on his very first day in Barovia. This is odd for a few reasons, not the least of which being that the Durst house was completely demolished after they left it. Batthwack wonders if it could have been washed down the river. It's all a little too much for Will. *"I am so wet and miserable and I hate everything. What are we doing here? Look at this garbage. Are we playing in the garbage at the bottom of the river? What is happening?!"*

Realising they have perhaps rather lost their focus, the group turns their attention back towards the dam and the water blocking their way. They make their way towards it, the somewhat less buoyant Batthwack trotting along the river bed while the others float. As they approach, they realise that they're all sinking towards the bottom, and from here they can see that it's possible to approach the spillway and avoid the turbulent water by staying under the surface.

## Quotes

* Rosco: *"If you need to go to the bathroom, you can just do it in the river."* Will: *"Rosco, stay away from me when we're in the river. Please."* Eric: *"You're breathing in that water." Will:* "I know! I don't want to breathe in your pee." *Eric:* "You weren't guaranteed you can breathe under pee. Only under water." *Abby:* "You'll drown instantly in urine." *Alex:* "If you choke a little bit, you know what's going on."
* Alex: *"So what does the spillway look like? Did you already say this and I was... distracted?"* Abby: *"I mean, it's just a spillway."* Eric: *"It's just a spillway."* Alex: *"I know but ... Have you seen ... have you gone to the website 'Spillways of the World'?!"* Adam: *"'Spillways of the World'..."* Abby: *"Adam's Googling."* Adam: *"What the fuck is a spillway anyway?"* Alex: *"Exactly."*

## Trivia

* The episode title was a quote from Adam. Rosco was quizzing Bernard about the source of his power, when Bernard said *"I shouldn't attribute it to gods, should I Roscoe? I gather that's not your jam, really."* Rosco/Adam: *"I don't even fucking know anymore."* Bernard/Eric: *"What is your jam?"* Abby: *"Mustard is his jam! Geddit?"* Alex: *"Rhubarb."* Abby: *"Condiments everywhere guys!"* Alex: *"Blueberry."* Eric: *"Is jam a condiment? That feels wrong."* Alex: *"A thing is a condiment if you can put it on a hot dog."* Eric: *"So like a hat is a condiment?"* Adam: *"Wait... you could put a condom on a hot dog. Is a condom a condiment?"* Eric: *"Maybe that's where the name comes from. It's the most obvious thing to put on a hot dog."*
* The *Office & Bosses* podcast: https://hellofromthemagictavern.com/episodes/2019/04/22/bonus-offices-and-bosses-s1e1-flower-from-i-t
* *The Laramie Project* (2002) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1qiTmF0p4A
* The bathing scene from *A Room with a View* (1985): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKbBwrsEV5A
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: sacrosanct.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured KT doing a recap to the tune of *Wish You Were Here* by Pink Floyd:

*[Spoken Intro]*

I'm sick

I can't hit the low notes

I'm going to try though, guys

I do this for you, my friends

*[Verse 1]*

So, so to begin we communed

At Nitty Gritty Saloon

Dark powers repugned

Both crowns soon were removed

What a good afternoon

Free from the Kingmaker's boon

What a good afternoon

*[Verse 2]*

But what now do we do

With the crowns unglued

Will hangs one from a tree

The other hit a poor dog-gy

Then we reconvened

At the House des Calliope

Rosco tries to sleep

Raphina's in a bikini

*[Chorus]*

Now, we'll see the fish under here

We're just four lost souls looking for the key holes, so we might interfere

With the dark powers running around, changing our land

We'll make our stand. Fish are you here?

*Outro sound effects: Casino / boar / bull frog / dam slipway / waterfall*

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ See episode 284: Tusk Me In the Dick
2. ↑ Eric clarified this for the players, as it wasn't explicitly described as being under water. See episode 284: Tusk Me In the Dick
3. ↑ See episode 189: We Do Not Dip Our Toes Into The Cheese
4. ↑ See episode 291: Two or Three Minutes Per Minute
5. ↑ The teapot is described by Eric as *"a brass teapot. It probably could do with some de-tarnishing, but it seems intact,"* and *"There's nothing particularly notable about it, like, 'This teapot belonged to Mabel,' or anything like that."*
6. ↑ See episode 3: Armpit Music
7. ↑ See episode 10: The Gross Pile of Gross
8. ↑ Geography isn't this wiki editor's strong suit, but I'm guessing it isn't Batthwack's either. As we all know, Barovia is situated in Worm, a completely different region from Beartoggle. Six Rivers's regions are separated by watersheds, so it's hard to imagine how one water course could stretch uninterrupted all the way from Barovia to Beartoggle.