Who Are You Kidding?

Who Are You Kidding? is the first episode of Club Serenity. The transcript is as follows:

Cleo: Welcome to Serenity Beach, where the ocean laps at your feet, where the baby turtles roam... AND where we'll be competing in death-defying challenges! This is... Club Serenity! Let's meet our first contestant, Rosemary!

Rosemary: Hiii! I'm Rosemary Kutcher, daughter of famous businessman Jarvis Kutcher! Is this where we're staying?

Cleo: Yes; yes, it is.

Rosemary: Oh. It's way smaller than I imagined.

King. Whoa, this is way bigger than I imagined! King, Troop 22462.

Cleo: Hey, King! Glad to see you here so early! Good someone complimented it.

King: Yes, ma'am!

Cleo: I'm in my late twenties. Too early.

King: Sorry.

Marisol: Oh, hello! I'm Marisol! I love the villa! It's so cute!

Cleo: Thank you. Here comes Dos!

Rosemary: I think you mean cuatro.

Cleo: No, I mean Dos.

Dos: (sinister) Hey. Good to meet you....

Rosemary: You, too!

Cleo: Our next competitor is Dillon!

Dillon: What's up, guys? I'm Dillon. Love punk rock and volleyball!

Marisol: Cool!

Cleo: Here comes Stef!

Stef: Hellooo, ladies! (kisses Rosemary's hand)

Rosemary: What are you doing?

Stef: Confessing my love.

Rosemary: Excuse me?

Cleo: Are you sure you're here for Club Serenity?

Stef: Wait, this isn't Tunnel of Love?

Cleo: That actually explains a lot.

Stef: Then what's happening?

Cleo: I'll explain it once everyone gets here. Speaking of... here's DiAngelo!

(Rosemary and Marisol blush)

DiAngelo: Hey, how's it shaking?

Rosemary: (dreamily) Like my grandma...

DiAngelo: What?

Rosemary: My grandma has arthritis. It makes her shaky.

Kariss: Oof. A swing and a miss.

Cleo: AH! When did you get here?

Kariss: Since Lover Boy needed you to explain this show to him.

Stef: (hopefully) So you wanna be my lover?

Kariss: Hahahahahahahaha! I'd rather eat gravel! I'm referring to your hilarious misconception of shows! I mean, what kind of idiot can fail that badly?! Oh my gosh, hahahahaha...oh, (imitating) you wanna be my lover.....ah-hahahaha!

(Everyone winces)

(A single tear rolls down Stef's cheek)

Kariss: Kariss, by the way.

Cleo: (visibly stunned)

Donna: Hi, I'm Donna, I like cats and Harry Potter and- what did I walk into?

Dos: (dryly) You don't wanna know.

Cleo: Heeeeeere's Kyle!

Kyle: Hey, guys! Hope we get to know each other this summer.

King: Yeah! Fist bump.

(Kyle and King fist bump)

Cleo: Here comes Xiomara, our pretty princess.

Xiomara: Good morn, dear kin! How are thee?

Dillon: Splendid, verily.

Xiomara: Oh, my! What manners!

Dillon: Of course.

Cleo: Here is our next contestant, Maui!

Maui: Water postpones death but doesn't avoid it.

Cleo: Moving on....

Olga: Hello, I'm Olga, and I am here to win. (smiles gently)

Dillon: Nice to meet you.

Olga: Likewise. (raises eyebrow)

Apollo: Hey, suckers! Apollo in the building! Glasses girl, your shoes are untied.

Donna: (Looks down) Really?

(Apollo gives Donna a noogie)

King: HEY! Uncalled for!

Apollo: Whatcha gonna do 'bout it, Boy Scout?

King: This. (pinches Apollo in the neck, Apollo falls unconscious) It's called pressure points. Get wrecked. (applause)

Omar: Nice! I'm Omar, by the way. I think we're gonna get along.

Cleo: Next is Charlotte, our resident fact witch!

Charlotte: Wow! It's so pretty here! (notices Apollo) He's not...dead, is he?

Marisol: No! No, no.

Dos: (under his breath) Not yet, he isn't.

Charlotte: Well, on another note, love the villa!

Cleo: Now that everyone is here, let's talk about how this works! Everyone will compete in challenges, and the winner will choose three people to live in the Slop Shack for the week, which can create enemies and friends. The rest of you will stay at the villa and talk amongst each other until the eliminations, where votes will be cast and read live. If you lose, you will be sent to the Serenity Apartments until the jury vote. Now, go explore before your first challenge!

(Omar and King sit on the beach)

King: My turn. Do you have any siblings?

Omar: I have two brothers and a dog named Fluffylegs.

King: How did he get that name?

Omar: Long story. How did you get the name King?

King: Long story!

(both laugh)

Dos (Cabana): (holds up pictures of Omar and King) Omar and King are starting their little “bromance.” It needs to be stopped.

(Donna and Charlotte are talking in the villa)

Charlotte: For sure the part when they kill off Stacy for no reason and try to cover it up with “her power was eating her” or something. What’s your least favorite part?

Donna: For sure when Oldragaith sent out Gavin to do his dirty work.

Charlotte: I forgot about that part!

(Cut to Cleo at the amphitheater)

Cleo: Today we will be at the Club Serenity amphitheater for the challenge! It will be a comedy show. Each contestant will recite two jokes (I want to leave while I’m still young) and I will choose the 5 best routines and they will try again, and a winner will be crowned!

(everyone is at the amphitheater)

Charlotte: Uhhhh, yesterday I called someone a watering hole, but I meant well.

(Crickets except for Kariss, who is hysterically laughing, and Donna, who shows a pity smile)

Charlotte: Um, what do you call an owl that can do magic?

Cleo: (flat) Let me guess. Hoodini.

Charlotte: Oh, you know that one?

Cleo: Yeah, I learned it when I was five.

Dos: A man and his wife got into such a big argument, she packed all of his bags and kicked him out. “I hope you live a long, slow, miserable life!” she cried. “Oh, so you want me to stay?” the man replied.

(laughter)

Dos: Here’s another one about marriage. A man was obsessed with golfing, and his new wife didn’t like it. “I don’t like this. You should quit,” she said. “Whoa, you’re beginning to sound like my ex-wife,” the man said. “You have an ex?” the wife said angrily. “Not yet,” he replied.

(Cleo is in tears)

(montage of Olga, Kyle, and Marisol’s performances)

Maui: (fake cheerful) Here’s a joke: (deadpan) my life.

(Maui walks away, leaving the stand)

King: I went to the camouflage store, and one pair really stood out to me. I also used to work at a calendar store, but I got fired. All I did was take a day off.

(Montage of Xiomara and DiAngelo’s performances)

Rosemary: What did the poor guy say? I don’t want the elephant!

Cleo: (visible confusion)

Rosemary: You had to be there.

Dillon: An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right." Build a man a fire, he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

(Montage of Omar and Stef)

Kariss: I asked Siri why I couldn’t get a date, and it activated the front camera.

(canned laughter)

Kariss: My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

(laughter)

Apollo: How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and cry. Knock knock, who’s there? Not your dad.

Donna: To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

Cleo: The best 5 are coming back: Dos, Dillon, Kyle, Kariss, and Apollo!

Dos: A Husband and Wife at Custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex-wife. Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?" Ex wife: "I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him." Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason." Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband. Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?" He replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machine’s?"

Dillon: I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Kariss: Have you heard the one about the boomerang? Ah, wait... it'll come back to me.

Kyle: My professor asked me if I knew about Pavlov. “It rings a bell.” [If you don’t understand, lmk! (:]

Apollo: A guy walked into the wrong conference room. The host of the conference turned to him. “Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!”

Cleo: Okay, the winner is..... Dos! You are immune this week!

Dos (Cabana): Episode one and I’m already running this game.

Cleo: Dos, which three people will be in the Slop Shack this week?

Dos (Cabana): This was the hardest part. I have to find the outcasts to offend the least people possible.

Dos: Xiomara, Maui, and..... Stef.

Cleo: You heard him! You three will be in the Slop Shack this week.

(cuts to Stef and Xiomara eating lumpy slop)

Stef (Cabana): Dos is so going down.

Xiomara (Cabana): By Jove! What a fancy camera! (gets close) Salutations! Is this on?

(Dillon pulls Kariss, Marisol, and Olga into a room)

Dillon: Guys, we need to keep Xiomara. We’ll have a competitive edge and we gain her trust.

Olga: Smart. She will be useful.

Kariss: So then, what’s the plan? Who are we voting for?

Dillon: It’s best if we can get them to vote out Maui. He’s not popular and doesn’t seem to care about winning.

Marisol: So, is this an alliance?

Kariss: Totally! Let’s put our hands together like in the movies.

Olga: Not yet. (they all laugh)

(cuts to Omar, King, and Kyle)

Omar: So, you wanna make an alliance with us to get Dos out next episode?

Kyle: Exactly.

King: He seems like a good person.

Kyle: I don’t think we can trust him.

Omar: We’ll think about it.

Kyle (Cabana): This is perfect. I notice that these two are getting close, and they are a strong team. So what do I do? Immediately set up a proposal. If they accept, that’s best case scenario. If they decline? I’ve still put a seed of doubt in their mind. It’s a win-win.

(Dos talks to DiAngelo and Stef)

Dos: Hey, thanks for coming over. No hard feelings, right, Stef?

Stef: No! No, man. We’re cool.

Stef (Cabana): We are certainly not cool.

Dos: So, we have free range with our vote tonight. What do you want to do?

DiAngelo: Apollo is a threat. Nobody will miss him.

Dos: But could we make an alliance with him? Probably.

Stef: I think the girls are voting for Maui. What about him?

Dos: Maybe... or Rosemary. She is being very clingy and her friend group is iffy.

DiAngelo: Tough decision, man.

(cut to elimination ceremony)

Cleo: Welcome to the elimination ceremony! One of you will be the first person voted out of Club Serenity. The votes have been cast, and I will now read them aloud. The first vote is for.....Maui. The second vote is for.... Maui. The third vote..... Rosemary. That’s two votes Maui, one vote Rosemary. The next vote is for.... Maui. The next vote is for.... Apollo. That’s three votes Maui, one vote Rosemary, one vote Apollo. Next vote says.... Apollo. Rosemary, you also have another vote. That’s three Maui, two each for Rosemary and Apollo. The next vote... Apollo. The next vote.... Maui. Four Maui, three Apollo, two Rosemary. Maui, Rosemary, Apollo. Next vote.... Maui. That’s six votes for Maui, four for Apollo, three for Rosemary. Another for Maui. And the first person voted out is..................................................

Maui. Sorry, but you have been eliminated from Club Serenity. Please pack your bags.

Maui: Thanks a lot, guys. I appreciate it.

Dillon: Sorry, Maui! We’ll miss you!

Stef: Catch you later, man!

(Maui leaves)

Cleo: Well, off to the jury house for Maui! We’ll see you next time on..... Club Serenity!