Edek Letak's Yuletide Scandal

This is one of (if not the most likely) assumption of what actually happened to Edek. This story has also been translated from Italian; Polish and Icelandic so may contain some inaccuracies within the language changes. Enjoy.

## The Scandal

Twas the night of the Christmas of 1932 and all through Sicily, Edek Letak had given up on Christmas and wanted to prove that the big man was a "huge dickhead". The middle aged man decided to leave his company to look after itself and so, on December 22nd, Edek Letak took a private plane from Sicily to Scotland and from there took a boat trip towards Iceland beginning our tale...

Edek sighed, the boat journey had felt like forever. The only other person on his row was a very festive and joyous looking old man who had been carolling, attempting to converse and groove with an unimpressed Edek. "Oi mate if I have a conversation with you, will you please stop trying to groove with me. I'm at my melting point." burst out a fed up Edek.

"I apologise, but I just can't help it." Replied the old man.

"What do you even do?" Asked Edek furiously.

"I work as a banker. You may have heard of me, I work at Scrooge and Cratchit." Answered the old man.

"I've never heard of you but I own a company called Letak Lemons. We sell lemons of the highest quality in Sicily." Countered Edek.

"Ah yes, Mr. Edek Letak isn't it. I heard on the news that you're visiting Iceland to prove that jolly old Father Christmas is a (and I quote) huge dickhead?"

"Yeah, that's me alright, what's your name?"

"Ebenezer, Ebenezer Scrooge."

The boat had arrived and Edek walked out. Edek looked at the little town around him and read a sign saying "Vik". Edek asked if he could find any transport. A porter directed him towards a nearby reindeer pen. Edek then began bartering with the reindeer dealer as his prices were very steep but the dealer remained adamant. "All right, fucking hell, I'll just get my deer and I'll be off mate." The dealer remained silent and watched Edek walk into the reindeer pen. The dealer uttered "Skítahaus" and a tall, dark and ominous looking reindeer walked towards him. "Well aren't you festive!" said a sarcastic Edek. "Alrighty, let's go to a local pub and only after that, can we journey after that dickhead." Edek wandered in the general direction of the pub that he had been given by another Porter. He found it and left Skítahaus in a nearby barn. After almost a few hours of drinking, Edek fell asleep with a pint of Guinness in his hand. He woke up the next day with a splitting headache and an awful hangover but apart from that, he was mostly fine. Grabbing Skítahaus from the barn, they were off into the dark and brooding cold of the north.

"How long is this fucking country!" groaned Edek. Skítahaus snorted. "Oi stupid fucking reindeer. Could you move your arse a bit further please!" begged a stressed Edek. "It's been almost three fucking hours." In the distance of the desolate countryside, Edek noticed a small group of lads but paid no attention until they trudged into his path. They were heavily armed with pots pans and all manor of weird items.. "Oi, who the fuck are you lot and d'you know the time?' Asked Letak.

"We are the Yule Lads, it's 2:30PM and if you don't get out of our way we'll throw you down this fucking valley. So go and suck your reindeer if that's all well and good with you?" a snide little thug holding a spoon replied.

"Right no one tells me to piss off. Especially not a group of 13 kids holding sausages, spoons and pans. Now fuck off out of my way or I'll tell Skítahaus the slow reindeer here to spear you!" screamed an incredibly pissed Edek.

"You're a mean one. I'm getting the cat on you!" shouted a thug holding a miniature window.

"Aw, gonna cry. Pussy enough to get another pussy on me?" Snorted Edek with laughter. Edek instantly regretted what he said as behind him a terrifying snarl sounded. Edek slowly turned around to stare right into the eyes of a huge fluffy cat with glowing yellow eyes. The cat gave an audible bone-shattering roar, sending Skítahaus into Flash mode making the reindeer run at the speed of light in the direction away from the cat but the cat was fast and soon was catching up fast. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. I need a distraction." Realising that he had no other choice, Edek kissed his tatty trench coat goodbye and hurled it at the cat's cute face. The cat caught the trench coat and tared into it and stared with its glowing eyes at Edek and Skítahaus as they sprinted into a clump of trees.

"Phew' that was close buddy. Let's set up camp by this clump of trees that don't luck suspicious at all in this frozen wasteland." Skítahaus stopped which sent Edek flying in the air towards the trees. Edek screamed but fell onto something soft. Something that felt like pine needles. "What the fuck?" Was all Edek could say as he was flung in the air by one of the trees. "Am I being fucked with, first a bunch of thugs, a giant cat and now a clump of sentient trees. Next Krampus is going to be real isn't he?" Edek screamed as he was thrown from tree to tree. Skítahaus watched as the trees threw Edek to one another. "Fuck what do I do? I don't want to be no tree plaything. Hang on a moment, I've got a blowtorch." Thought Edek. Edek reached into his pack and brought out the blowtorch. "Try throw me now bitches" giggled Edek like a kid with a new nerf gun on Christmas Day as he turned the blowtorch on and aimed at the tree nearest to him. the tree's branch set on flame and Edek fell to the floor aiming his blowtorch at the other trees. "Try me again and I'll fucking light you like a match." laughed a glory-fueled Edek.

Edek awoke and looked around him. Huge paw prints where the Yule Cat had chased them were nearby. He appeared to be underneath a huge tree holding a blowtorch in his right hand. An unimpressed Skítahaus looked on at him. "Ah, I went unconscious when I hit this tree. That explains this awful bump I have on my head." Edek stroked through his beautiful locks of lusciously shampooed hair that had, sadly, gained big bump in the centre. "I suppose we should go to sleep now?" The reindeer snorted at him and curled up on the ground behind him. Edek rested his head on the body of the reindeer and drifted off immediately.

When Edek awoke he had a black and huge talon across his neck and his reindeer in the arms of a monstrosity. "Fuck off, it can't be. No, no, no you don't exist do you?" for in front of Edek was an immensely monstrous creature with a green tongue, hairy features, covered in chains and dressed like jolly old Father Christmas. "Yes, yes and yes." Gloated the creature. "The devilishly handsome and brilliantly spectacular child-eater Krampus is real! BOY!" Laughed the creature.

"Fuck, what do you want with me?" Asked a terrified Edek.

"Well, every year me and my rival, Father Christmas, have a little fight ending up in his victory. However, this year I'm going to use another person as well. I did have someone but I was so hungry that I just had to make mince meat!" laughed the monster maniacally. Edek pondered the thought especially thinking about how he hated Father Christmas but the man did give him the vibes of a pedophile. "Let's shank this son of a Saint." Agreed Edek. "Good boy" Laughed Krampus and he helped Edek to his smashing his insane amount of chains around him.

Krampus and Edek journeyed over an ice sheet towards a very homely looking home. Krampus smacked down the door onto the floor. The home was very small and could just about fit the terrifying trio. "Oi K-Man. I hear some muffled screaming going on in that big sack of yours." A worried Edek looked. "Oh, fucks sake, just another stupid child I saved for later." Krampus reached into his bag and brought out the screaming child. He then proceed to rip off its head and devour the rest of its body. Edek winced and looked away as Krampus flung the head outside of the closest window. Krampus slammed his paw into a painting and the floorboards moved and rotated to reveal a spiral staircase. Krampus gestured for Edek to go down. Edek and Skítahaus walked down the staircase together with Krampus following behind them. Edek could fell his hot breath on the back of his neck. "I beg you stop fucking breathing on my neck. It reeks!" shouted Edek. "Ooh, sorry. Calm down hard lad." Krampus ushered him further down and finally they got to the bottom to meet a bulging man with a look of thunder upon his brow. "Krampus it's the 24th. Your late." Shouted Father Christmas at him. Krampus smacked Father Christmas across the room and replied "I'm always late bitch."

"Oh shit, here we go." Edek shouted as he charged towards the two of them, pulling out his sword Riccardo and proceeding to throw it to stop Krampus from inserting his talons into Father Christmas' huge belly. "Fuck off, you're on my side, aren't you?" Demanded an angry Krampus. "Nah, only nonces bite of kids heads, and I'm a big Nonce Catcher so you better watch out cause I'm telling you why!" Chuckled Edek and, grabbing his sword, shoved the blade into Krampus' grotesque face. Father Christmas smiled at Edek. "I thought you came to prove I'm a dickhead?" Asked Father Christmas. "Nah, not a fan of nonces plus this reindeer, Skítahaus -" He was cut off by an excited red bellied man proclaiming "Wait, Skítahaus? You do know that means Shitty Head in Icelandic? He's not supposed to be called that. That's Blitzen!" Exclaimed Father Christmas in surprise. Edek looked at the reindeer and then at Father Christmas. "Em... any chance of a lift back?" Asked Edek. "Of course you've slain my greatest enemy, even though I have defeated him, I just haven't had the heart to finish the job. I need to set off now to deliver presents so I will take you with me and drop you off in Sicily."

"HA HA! This is mental mate!" Screamed an excited Edek at the countryside as they flew off and Father Christmas threw gifts into chimneys. "Indeed, I love the adrenaline of delivering gifts around the world as well." Father Christmas replied. Eventually, they arrived in Sicily and Edek leaped into his bed and fell asleep. The next morning it felt like it had all been a dream but at the end of his bed, in his stocking, He opened a few gifts and discovered: a model of a reindeer that looked like Skítahaus, a snow globe that had himself, Father Christmas and Krampus mid fight, a chocolate lemon, a stuffed toy of a Yule Cat and a painting of Krampus on a white background. "This, this must be the best Yuletide or Christmas I've ever had ever!" Yelled a delightful Edek.

## What Actually Unfolded

Edek Letak woke up a week later and discovered that all previous events had, in fact, never occurred. It turns out that 4 members of the Italian Mafia had kidnapped Edek and forced him to take powerful hallucinogenics, however Edek had managed to undo his bonds and injected a similar dosage into the gangsters. All 5 were unconscious for 3 days until they were discovered and taken into hospital where they significantly recovered from the events.