Eli Roberts

*“Life is a struggle, life is dog eat dog. Right? I will eat a dog. I have eaten a dog.”*

### Character

Eli Roberts is a burly man in his 60s (62 as of *episode 32*), typically wearing bloodied overalls. Eli has repeatedly demonstrated superhuman strength, including being shot with so many tranquilizer darts that his entire body was covered, tazed dozens of times, and having absurd levels of strength. Eli is very chaotic and disorganized, and is known to be very persuasive and manipulative. If he doesn't have his way through verbal manipulation, Eli is known to use excessive force to physically bend people to his will.

Eli has a strong history in slaughtering, and is proficient at murder, using anything available to him to murder his victims. He believes highly in physical and mental strength, and says that an important quality of a good person is to commit evil acts for a good cause.

### History

Eli Roberts claims, as of *episode 31*, that he grew up in Soviet Russia, and that his father, Nikolai Roberts, was involved in the purges enacted by the Soviet Union before Stalin's fall. After the Soviet Union fell, Nikolai, his wife, and Eli moved to Wales, settling in the village of *Claonaig*, when Eli was only 8. Nikolai taught Eli how to kill animals, and was well-liked in Claonaig, gaining the fond nickname "Russian Nicki". When Eli was around 16-17 years old, he claims that Nikolai walked into the forest never to return, developing the reputation of a cryptid. Eli is defensive about his mother, saying only that she raised him.

In the same episode, \_\_\_ claims that the truth of the matter is that Eli had lured his father into the woods and killed him, then married his mother. Given how chaotic and disorganized Eli is, it is unknown how true either story is. However, this version of the story seems to be supported by *episode 51*, in which a section of the Church of Eli's bible () describes Eli slaughtering his elementary class pet and stalking his teacher despite the teacher sending letters to his parents demanding that they stop his behavior.

Regardless of which of these is true, what is known is that Eli took over the small town of Claonaig, forcing everyone to work in his slaughterhouse, to the point where he would go to the houses of his employees and physically dragging them to the slaughterhouse. Eli's control was comparable to a cult, with him appearing to be everywhere at once, and exerting so much control that the people of the village refuse to talk about him.

### Notable Events

* **Roberts Slaughterhouse:** Eli ran an illegal slaughterhouse, which was burned down by *Philip Seastram* in *episode 8*. During the same episode, the *Host* decides to investigate claims that Eli had continued to slaughter cows in his backyard, which led to him being kidnapped and strapped into a rocket. After reaching orbit, Eli explained that in the grand scheme of the universe, his illegal and immoral acts didn't matter.

* **Mosquito Mayhem:** Soon after, Eli began Mosquito Mayhem, a mosquito-based children's zoo, which he discussed in *episode 15*. The zoo was illegal just like the slaughterhouse, and also led to the spread of a number of diseases, leading to Philip Seastram once again arriving to raid the site, described in *episode 21.* When Eli was found, he was naked and carrying a sword, and commanded the mosquitoes to attack the team, which he used as a cover to escape.

* **The Church of Eli:** Eli then went on to produce a church, based on Malcolm, a bull he attempted to kill 11 times, but that refused to die. Malcolm became a "Jesus" figure for the *Church of Eli*, and Eli consults his spirit to make his decisions. The first iteration of Eli's church, described in *episode 21*, was established in a simple compound in Claonaig (nearby the site of Mosquito Mayhem), with recruits being asked to complete tests of strength, which were chosen by Malcolm. Some of these tasks involved were having one's legs tied to one tractor and arms attached to another, with both moving at full speed in opposite directions, or having to keep one's head submerged in a tank of urine for at least 30 seconds.
* **Eli's Trial:** After requesting to return to the podcast to correct his image after his last appearance producing an "unfair" representation of his character, Eli traveled from *Claonaig* to London, and promptly murdered a stranger, John Crannik, with a lump hammer, which led to him being put on trial for murder. Disturbingly, the *Host* noted that the victim resembled him, and that since Eli was angry at him in *episode 31*, Eli may have come to murder him. During the trial, Eli quickly took command, performing a number of stunts, such as wearing a different wig every day, slowly removing his top as an intimidation tactic, starting a wave through the courtroom, and mumbling everything the judge said in a higher voice. Eli was eventually let off, when it was revealed that he had a twin, also named Eli Roberts, which made it impossible to identify which Eli committed the murder, and therefore the former Eli was let go, until he was sent to prison for punching a barrister.
* **The Free State of Eli:** After being sent to prison, Eli quickly took control, overthrowing the warden and recruiting about two thirds of the prisoners into his church. He quickly began work on a large tapestry, which detailed all the notable events in his life. The "Free State" was overthrown when the military arrived to handle the uprising. Although Eli attempted to appeal to them, asking them to join his free state, he was shot by a tank and presumed dead. However, the Host was sent a small tapestry in a letter, depicting Eli escaping, and eventually Eli returned in *episode 38*, very much alive.
* **The Persuasion:** When Eli left prison, he discovered that Korea had built up his religion, now formally called *The Persuasion*, establishing a massive 40,000 seat stadium for his congregations. While in Korea, Eli established a massive killing game that *Philip Seastram* was once again involved in, under the guise that the killing game was an exercise program. It didn't take long for the Korean government to shut the killing game down, however, and Eli was forced to flee.
* **Eli's Journey:** During *episode 51*, a live show, Eli described his journey back from Korea to the live show, in which he spent time in the DMZ before walking his way back to Europe. Eli described the journey as being boring for the most part, as he had either been to the areas before or simply focused on walking rather than seeing the sights. Eli supposedly slept inside the reactor core in Chernobyl, inspired by superhero comics he read as a child. This led him to develop severe radiation poisoning, but he claims he's stronger now, at the cost of his empathy. During the same episode, he read out a section of his bible, as well as forcibly recruiting the audience.