Mickey's Thrice Upon A Christmas

I love Mickey Mouse so much, I have all of his films and all of his TV specials. My favourite piece of Mickey Mouse media is most assuredly Mickey's Once Upon A Christmas a Christmas themed anthology direct to DVD movie featuring three stories including Huey, Dewy, and Louie wishing it was Christmas everyday, Goofy threatening Santa Claus into giving his son Maxie a fricking sleigh with an overly complex name that Max claims he will let the local poor kid have a ride on making Goofy very pleased, but in reality Max is using the board to distract the lad while he breaks into his house and samples one of the many candy canes that hang from the tree. Mickey's story was sadly the most dull and uneventful with Mickey and Minnie doing their own rendition of Gift Of The Magi. It came out in 1999, and was followed by a sequel entitled Mickey's Twice Upon A Christmas which came out in 2004, sadly that film was very clearly done on the cheap using really mad CG and instead of having three reasonable stories, this one had like five. Also, the characters acted very cold and distant. Mickey was an ass who threatens Pluto into staying outside after the pooch wrecks his Christmas decor, Donald is gaslighted by Daisy (worst Disney character ever btw) into attending a Christmas shopping spree when all Donald wants is a cup of hot chocolate and to listen to some Cliff Richard on the radio, and Goofy tries to murder Max's girlfriend Mona by drowning her in popcorn kernels much to Max's dismay as he sings a really shitty 2000's pop song about how he learned his lesson and needs to make the ultimate confession after seeing that his poppa got him a Doctor Who scarf for the holiday season. Also, Pluto escapes to the North Pole where he is adopted and named Murray by a local reindeer named Cupid who is the dumbest reindeer you'd ever see, the other reindeer hated Cupid but he had protection from Blitzen who appeared to be his bookie or something. Pluto was nicknamed Murray because the people that worked on Mickey's Twice Upon A Christmas were big fans of Murray Franklin, and wanted to honour him. Lately, I been losing sleep. I didn't really like the second movie very much at all, not really no. However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish that there was a third film. Disney alums have been posting online for years on what they think that the never made third movie would have been like, and the stories that would have been told. Allegedly, a rough cut was produced albeit in storyboard fashion, but it was canned like a can of dog food before it could be animated primarily because in recent years Disney has lost their love of the mouse who hides in the cabin in the snowy alps. This is presumably the reason why The Search For Mickey Mouse never happened.

I have it on good authority however that there was indeed going to be a third Mickey Mouse Christmas movie, and let me tell why I have such authority to know such a thing. A couple months back, I was taking a stroll down the deserted streets of Baltimore and I laughed because all of the streets were deserted which meant that many crimes were happening, and no one was a helping. Hammerhead and his boys had broken into a local house party where Hammerhead was running through the halls like a mad man or a mad hammer I guess. I was actually being quite wicked, and was playing hooky from school. While passing by a local deli, I could have sworn I saw one of my teachers on a date with a swan, and he looked very angry when he saw me, and he had a very scary face so scary it'll make your TV break dance. I ducked inside of a small studio like building not knowing that it was actually Disney Studios. I recognised the interior crocodile alligator however when I saw a big smelly banner that hung in the reception area which read, "Welcome To Disney Sign In Here Or Else." I snuck past the reception, and crept my way up the many hallways until I reached what appeared to be the Disney Vault. The Disney Vault is where all of the unwanted Disney films are dropped off, and are sealed up never to be seen again. Disney characters hate the vault especially Thumper who sounded devastated when Bambi 2 got snatched up by the vault. "Oh no!" Thumper cried at the top of his lungs. There was also unfinished projects stored in the Vault such as the fabled Humpty Dumpty Movie which features Humpty Dumpty attempting to do his own cooking show only to run into issues because the only thing the other cooks want to make is poached egg on toast. I had often been curious to see what hid inside of the fabled Disney vault, and so I decided in my upmost wisdom that I would take a little sneak peak. Right! I headed into the vault, and I slammed the door shut tight behind me, and I was locked in but I did not care. I should also mention that the two security guards on duty for the Disney Vault; Prep and Landing were easily disabled by me after I claimed to be a cleaner hired by Santa Claus. "I work for Santa baby, you wanna tell him you tried to send me away?" I threatened. Prep and Landing were terrified of the big man as he was known for being very cruel and had big punishments in plan such as sending his elves to the pole where they would socks shoved down their throats by sentient pieces of bacteria or he would send them to the mines where they would try to make butternut squash out from the pines that they were mining as it was a pinecone mine after all.

The Disney Vault was very messy, and it really needed a good clean. There were VHS tapes and DVD's everywhere, and there were file cabinets in the room that they could have been placed into, so there was no excuse really. I was very interested by some of the tapes for unmade movies that I found including Lion King 4: Simba And The Raincoat featuring overly campy pyramid owner who has to remind his wife that she is after she keeps trying to seduce Simba for some reason, there was also Quasimodo's Cricket Tips which was a cricket themed educational mini docu series featuring Quasi teaching his adoptive father Judge Claude Frollo how to play cricket. Frollo was very awkward indeed when he didn't have a script to work with, and had a small chalkboard on his person at all times and he also cried like a bitch when Quasi hit Frollo's shoulder with a ball. I tried to put some of these VHS tapes into the nearby VCR, but it rejected all of them. I headed over to a large brown desk which sat right next to the Vault's entrance, and I discovered that it was a manifest which contained a listing of all the films/TV shows contained in the Disney Vault. As the title suggests, one film in particular just so happened to catch my moist eye. It was none other than Mickey's Thrice Upon A Christmas. It was incredibly easy to find it was contained in one of the first cabinets you see when entering the vault, and was right at the back of the cabinet. I picked up the DVD for Mickey's Thrice Upon A Christmas. The cover had a picture of a moustached man smiling at me, and he looked proper smeg. The back of the DVD had a picture from what appeared to be a cancelled Jack And The Beanstalk movie as the picture was of an old middle age woman throwing some magic beans out from a five story window, and she could also talk as it was an audible piece of DVD hardware and she just said, "whoop," and it sounded heavily distorted. I slammed the DVD into the nearby DVD player, despite feeling a little freaked out over how cheap the cover design was. I brushed it off. Since, this movie was never intended to be seen by the naked eye of the public mole rat, whoever made the movie just threw a cover on the film cheaply and slammed it into the Vault before anyone could be the wiser man or woman. The DVD started with a brief clip. A man was shown inside a restaurant, and he orders a chicken curry a big ole curry with four narns as well as far too many onion bargees. Mark Labett who was sitting at another table caught a whiff of the curry, and he roared a roar as he charged towards the man as he roared a T-Rex-s roar. Another clip was shown which featured a man getting his wife I guess I saw no ring a ding a dingy ding, and he had gotten his love a pair of matching baby shoes that were tinier than Tiny the Tiger's sock collection. The man had an incredibly thick British accent as he said to his wife, "now you two can match." Huh? I was challenging my inner Nermal there sorry, but the wife didn't find the joke very funny as she thought her husband was mocking her comically tiny feet, and she proceeded to shove the shoes down the husband's throat as she left the house, and made her way to the local theatre where she took part in a farce stage show called Spoiled Milk What If Alright, which was one big satire on British history claiming that Britian's heritage comes from the many milkmen that have died over the years. Henry The VIII showed up, and he had really tiny hands, and the wife found herself someone new. Side note; the actor playing Henry The VIII was incredibly rude as he basically threatened people in the audience to turn off their cells, and to join him in a big smelly song number that you were forced to take part in or else you would suffer a bad case of hams. The people on stage would force you to eat a can of spam. Bad spam too.

After those two clips ended, the actual film started and it was normal I guess. Mickey Mouse was in his house setting up some decorations onto a Christmas tree when all of the sudden he got a craving for a cake. He walked on over to his mantle, and he picked a cake off from it. It was a Mr Kipling cake; the white sponge with the pink lines atop it. Mickey sniffed the cake as he said, "oh yeah." Suddenly, a dog not Pluto a really ugly dog with big floppy ears and a long snout entered the room. Mickey tried to get the dog's attention and I guess the dog's name was Zeus as Mickey tried to call out to it by saying, "hey come here Zeus come here boy!" Zeus ignored Mickey, and the mouse turned to face the screen as he said, "I don't think this new Pluto is doing so well." Mickey had a weird fantasy sequence where he imagined sending Zeus to a sadist vet which shoves painkillers down dog and cat's throats which are so massive they will make honestly make you question your pill intake. Mickey then explained that he was getting his house ready for a big Christmas party, and that all of his friends were going to be at his house in exactly two hours or at least that was the plan anyway. The party was actually being held at Donald's condo. Donald had recently come into a large sum of money by selling some of his organs at an organ vender who sells organs to people who use them as toys. If I were a toy!The man running the vender was Ebenezer Scrooge the real one not Mr McDuck. Oh Mr McDuck! Ebenezer lost a big chance when a client with a big case full of gold came a knocking, and the only organ Ebby had to sale was the appendix which sat above the bookshelf which was caked in so much dust it sickens me. Ole Ebenezer took so long trying to get the appendix that the client had already left. Donald used the money to buy a condo which also had a tennis court where he and Daisy would have regular tennis matches with Mickey and Minnie, however the money had caused Donald to become snide and he treated Mickey like dirt whenever he came to play on his court. Mickey left his house caring not a button for the darkness as it had been dark all day for it was a very miserable Christmas Eve indeed. Mickey walked up the pavement to his little red car, and got in. He began driving down the road, but that was when he ran into problems when a huge traffic appeared to be parked right in front of Mickey. A snowflake had landed in the middle of the road, and much to the annoyance of the very sad construction workers there was no way of moving the snowflake which meant that all of the cars had to stay put. Mickey tried to busy himself by gazing out of the window, but he ran into problems when the polar bear in the car next to his thought that Mickey was checking him out and he offered Mickey a seat, but Mickey grimaced as it reminded him of the time a fly made out with him. To pass the time, Mickey adjusted his rear view mirror as he said, "while we wait; how how about I tell you some stories of Christmas?"

Something that caught me off guard and made me feel a tad uneasy was that Mickey just looked completely down with life. Minnie had probably left him for Mortimer. Mickey shouldn't take that! He should storm over to Minnie's pad, and throw a letter down on the ground while complaining about how Minnie kind of sucks at running a boutique. Minnie is only slightly better than Daisy who as stated before is the worst character in any Mickey Mouse media ever. There was no narrator doing the intro bits this time, in the original film it was Sideshow Bob doing the narration while in the second one it was generic narrator in a half shell whose line readings sound so phoned in you almost think he was trying not to laugh likely knowing how horrible the second film was going to be. It seems that Mickey being stuck in traffic was going to be the framing device for this movie. In the first movie, three toys underneath the Christmas tree were used to tell the stories while the second movie it was a pop up book which had been dipped in the finest of kerosene. Mickey then decided to tell the story of Minnie and her horrid Christmas experience without him which was entitled, "Wals R Us." The story began with Minnie sitting at her house watching some Christmas film which was really bad, and she was upset because Mickey was currently ignoring her advice and was hanging out on a Christmas fishing trip with Goofy, and Minnie hated Goofy for some unexplained reason. She really hated Goofy according to this film and the reason is that many years ago, Minnie banned Goofy from Walmart because he kept making a fucking mess. Goofy was trying to find the tool aisle in Walmart, and he intended to use the tools he bought to build a machine that could turn him into a ps3, when in reality it would make him a 360. He would have to go and ask the overly patronising Von Drake for some help. Minnie was feeling low, and decided that she wanted a friend to spend the Christmas season with as Daisy was also away and what she was doing I do not care as she is still the worst. Suddenly, an ad interrupted the movie that Minnie had been watching and it showcased Nick Withers ex host for House Fancy who had fallen on hard times ever since his fetish of door knobs became public knowledge, and in the advert he was shown sitting on a cruise ship as he asked, "feeling lonely this Christmas? Need a buddy? Well look no further!" Nick proclaimed as he introduced a service entitled Friend For The Holiday which was a smelly website where you could ask for the perfect friend to spend the holiday with you. Minnie and Nick both failed to realise that it was one massive farce, and that it had been set up by a scheming man who had set it up while on the airplane as a woman stunk up the bathroom after ingesting an entire bottle of laxative. He wasn't bothered by the smell as the fumes inspired him to write the website which he intended to use as a money laundering scheme as he and his mother who was on the same flight were working as Shredded Wheat dealers in their spare time, and they would selling the wheaties to countries were it was considered a crime to own them such as their grandmother's crib in Michigan.

Currently, the man's grandmother was tormenting his new born son by making him learn about geography through Cheerio's, and she used the Cheerio's to map out the coordinates. She didn't know that in several years time, that boy will prank her wicked with a pranking kit given to him by King Bob himself. Back to the movie, sorry about that, Minnie not knowing about the farce of the website, she clicked on the website, and made a real mess as she asked, "but what is it!?" Minnie sounded really dumb when she said that, as she answered a questionnaire which when answered would provide her with the perfect friend to spend Christmas with. The friend suggested for Minnie was a rather handsome mouse in 1800's style dress with a wig to boot, he was holding up a milk carton as he asked in a posh accent, "how old is this milk Winifred?" Minnie's maiden name is Winifred. Yep, that's totally legit. Look it up in the official Disney guidebook that totally exists. According to the website, Minnie's friend's name was Edmund, and he would be arriving at her house at exactly four o'clock in the afternoon on the 23rd of December. Minnie got everything ready including a tray full of red velvet biscuits that were shaped like hearts. Minnie failed to realise how girly some of her tastes were, and that Edmund probably wouldn't appreciate it. Minnie's issue is that she never considered other people's tastes when it came to things. One time, when Donald was in a sour mood and was storming along the frontier like he had a turd in his pants, Minnie thought that it would be nice to surprise Donald by cleaning up his garage and then decorating it with pink pillows and smelly plush toys including a Bugs Bunny one whose ear had been pissed on by a ferret that Minnie owned as a pet in this film as her pet cat Figaro had gone to Canada. Donald didn't take very kindly to what had happened to his beloved garage, and he yelled at Minnie with, "how could you be so stupid?! What am I to do?" Minnie then learned that the website was a farce when her 'friend' came to stay. It wasn't at all what she had been hoping for. A huge truck parked up on the pavement next to Minnie's house, and the back of the truck opened up to reveal a walrus. Yes, indeed a walrus whose name was Marlene. Nice name, only problem is that the walrus was anything but nice as she was a proper custard. She was the size of the Empire State Building, and upon getting into Minnie's house by the means of a bin liner, Owl from Winnie The Pooh fame had been the one driving the truck and he saluted Minnie before making his leave. Owl pointed at the screen as he said to never let a stranger poop in the house, Solid advice. Marlene was very rude, and she got on Minnie's nerves with her horrid singing and shrill voice. "Take me out to the ball game, take me out to the ball!" Marlene sang. Minnie groaned as she was used a handkerchief for Marlene's runny nose. If you don't like Minnie Mouse, then ooh buddy this is the short for you as Minnie was forced to clean the entire house for Marlene who busied herself by eating up all of Minnie's biscuits. When Minnie shut the light off to go to bed for the evening, Marlene proceeded to fart violently much to Minnie's disgust. When Minnie threatened to tell her off, Marlene laughed it off before pinning Minnie to the wall with her tusks and she then said that the next time Minnie tried to tell her off she would be stabbing her in the chest with her tusks.

Having had enough wouldn't we all, Minnie put in arrangements with Von Drake to have Marlene shipped off to Antarctica. However, once Marlene was taken away in the shipping company's truck, Von Drake revealed a crucial piece of information to Minnie. Antarctica was populated with polar bears would happily rip Marlene to shreds, but Minnie showed no concern as she shrugged before saying, "what can you do?" Marlene however was actually sent to the wrong place as the addresses had been screwed up. She was sent to a luxury holiday resort while the slush puppies that were supposed to be going to the resort were sent to the Artic circle. Marlene became very infamous at the resort for messing around with the cameras outside her hotel room, and she did it so much that the announcer at the swimming pool passive aggressively tried to tell her not to do this, Marlene didn't care however as she was very evil, and she was also British all along and she now spoke with a British accent as she met up with the Horned King in the resort's restaurant. "Did you get it?" Asked The Horned King. "I got it. I don't know why you needed it, but I got it." Marlene said as she placed a small piece of paper down on the table which contained the recipe for Minnie Mouse's converted red velvet heart biscuits. The Black Cauldron and its powers hadn't killed the Horned King, no they had simply reformed him and he only plotted to start his own cooking show something that delighted Taran who invited the King to do the catering for his wedding, which probably isn't a good idea having your arch nemesis do the catering, but whatever. That short was horrid! All that happened was this fat ass walrus tormenting Minnie for five minutes and then she gets rewarded for it. How horrid! Mickey was then shown inside his car once and the traffic seemed to be moving when all of the sudden a police officer came up to Mickey's window and tapped on it asking for directions to the keyline pie contest, but Mickey didn't know the man was a police officer as he wore no uniform he was in civilian clothes, and Mickey basically got very mean spirited as he lost his cool and yelled, "I can't help you!" The officer really needed to fill in his arrest quota as so far this year, he had only made like two and so he threw Mickey into the back of his patty wagon as the two drove down the other side of the road which had no cars only windows. Upon reaching the police station, Mickey was sat down in the reception area while the officer had a word with his boss on what to do with the mouse. A smell entered Mickey's nose hole which he realised came from a gingerbread house that lay upon the front desk. Mickey said, "boy those cookies are crispy. This kind of reminds me of the time Professor Von Drake tried to get over his addiction to delicious gingerbread." The second story's title then came on screen and it read, "The Gingerbread Massacre Of Mickey Mouse Ville," what a title.

This short began at Goofy's house, he had invited all of his friends including Mickey, Minnie, Donald, and Daisy to witness a miracle. Goofy was getting ready to take part in the annual gingerbread competition which would see who had the biggest gingerbread in all of Mickey Mouse Land. Goofy never won the contest, and he always lost at the last second to his arch nemesis Big Pete. Though Goofy treated Pete with the upmost respect in person, in private, Goofy viewed Pete as a great big pest. Much like Mortimer did with Mickey; ole Pete had a terrible influence on Goof, and once convinced him to walk through the local schoolyards complaining about the lack of ketchup. One of the teachers called Goofy out on this he responded by pulling quite the face as he held his nose tight and twirled his ear like a twirler. Goofy wanting to beat Pete this year, he had gone to the local bakery and bought all of the gingerbread before anyone else could much to the delight of the baker who was more than happy to give his stock over to Goofy as he also never liked Pete as he had insulted the baker's dough many years ago, and the baker is extremely emotionally sensitive being unable to handle it when someone makes fun of his baking skills. After getting the gingerbread, Goofy paid a visit to Professor Von Drake and asked for him to develop a chemical formula that would turn the normal gingerbread man into being the size of a double decker bus. Goofy got very condescending as he got right up in Von Drake's face as he asked, "think you can handle that Professor?" "Sure!" Von Drake proclaimed happily as Goofy made his leave. Goofy however failed to realise that Von Drake had a bit of problem when it came to gingerbread. He was an addict in it's purest form, and Goofy learned this the hard way as when he pulled the metal cover off from the gingerbread to show everyone the marvellous creation he was horrified to see there was no gingerbread present only a big pile of crumbs. Von Drake loved gingerbread so much, and he often angered his mother greatly as he would eat them while on stage at the House of Mouse and he got so into the munching of the gingerbread that he completely neglected to warn the audience in the theatre to always wear a seatbelt when riding the bus along the pond at night. Mind! After what happened with Goofy's gingerbread, Mickey and the gang opted to send Von Drake into therapy. The therapy was terrible though as the therapist who was named Doctor Beakman tried to deliberately provoke Von Drake's addiction by placing a huge round of gingerbread cookies onto a table across from where Von Drake was sitting, and the trick was Von Drake was not to go after any of the gingerbread cookies which would cure him of his addiction. Sadly, Von Drake snapped almost immediately and he ran out from the building screaming like a mad duck.

Personally, I think Von Drake could have handled it, had it not been for the pesky Dr Beakman who was busy munching on the gingerbread biscuits as he said, "mm meaty." In a bid to save money. Dr Beakman didn't use real ginger to make his biscuits, and instead used meat that he had borrowed from Rolf's farm. He stole all of Rolf's meat leading to Rolf becoming extremely weak like a plank of wood in just two seconds, and he was forced to eat incredibly hard pieces of kale. Von Drake headed home where he got into bed, and he tried his best to get to sleep which wasn't very easy as an entire fleet of boats had crashed into the side of his house. Somehow, he managed to drift off to sleep where he began to suffer a horrible nightmare in which a talking gingerbread man was chasing Von Drake down a long metal hallway. The gingerbread was holding a knife as he yelled, "come back here boy!" Von Drake eventually reached a hill which had Mickey and co standing at the top of it. "Come here quickly Professor!" Mickey beckoned at the top of his lungs, and Von Drake tried to run up the hill but he kept rolling back down in a comical fashion. "His loss is America's gain." Minnie remarked as she and the others left Von Drake to his own devices. Like some of Squidward, the gingerbread man began foaming at the mouth as it slowly stalked it's way towards the petrified Professor Von Drake. The gingerbread man placed his hand upon Von Drake's shoulder as he said, "come with me, I have something I wish to show you." The gingerbread man appeared to be a time lord in disguise as he was able to take Von Drake into the future in order to show what the world would be like if he continued to eat gingerbread men then a dreadful fate awaited for him. The gingerbread man then proceeded to show Von Drake a vision of him cooking all of his friends into gingerbread. While being dipped into the gingerbread chemical formula, Mickey sang, "I had a dream my life could be..." Mickey was dunked into the smelly sauce as Von Drake threatened, "enough singing." Once all of the characters were made into gingerbread, Von Drake ate them all up and spent the rest of the afternoon lazing around on his couch. The gingerbread man then went on to show Von Drake a version of the future where he never ate gingerbread at all. In this alternate universe, Von Drake felt like he had no purpose in life and spent his Christmasses drinking from eggnog, and he also had little interest in helping the other characters with their problems, and just sat by there peacefully as Mickey and Donald were attacked in the street by a squid that was coming out from the sewers. "Hey uh... Professor... we really could do with a hand here!" Donald cried, but Von Drake had already left Mickey Mouse Land in order to hitch a train back to Yale, and while at Yale he became part of the farce Dancing Docs which was an incredibly farce of a farce which involved doctors dancing on the stage in tights and suspenders before asking if you feel alright.

After witnessing the two horrific scenarios, Von Drake looked horrified as he asked the talking gingerbread man, "what must I do?" "I'll tell you what you need to do. Moderation." The gingerbread man then continued with, "get a bag of six breads, and eat three. Moderation." Von Drake was about to say something else when the gingerbread man disappeared into a cloud of smoke leaving behind a big pile of candy canes. Probably the only Christmas thing about this story. Von Drake had no idea what the word moderation meant as his claims of great intelligence were something of an informed ability. Von Drake decided to ditch the gingerbreads for pancakes. Not wanting to kill his friends, Von Drake caught a skateboard to a village in the burbs where he tried to befriend his neighbours by cooking up some pancakes, and he tried to ask his neighbours for help, and one of his neighbours just so happened to a discount Noddy. They were very angry, and refused to help Von Drake with cooking up the pancakes. However, once Von Drake was done cooking up the cakes, the scent got into the noses of the neighbours and they all rushed on over to Von Drake's house in order mooch off from his pancakes. Since he didn't have the established friendship with these guys that he had with Mickey Mouse and co, Von Drake proceeded to have everyone eaten by his bodyguard Mr Wolf. Von Drake had hired Mr Wolf to protect him from giving into his gingerbread addiction, and he also reminded Mr Wolf time and time that even if he begged for gingerbread he was not to get it. The rest of the segment had Mr Wolf cooking up an omelette with pumpkin skin dressing, and the adding of the pumpkin dressing caused Mr Pumpkin to burst into the kitchen with a comically oversized Santa hat on his stork. Mr Pumpkin licked his lips as he proclaimed, "give me the penis!" Back at the police station, Mickey Mouse was bailed out early by Minnie who got really whiney as she asked how Mickey could have done something so stupid. Mickey wasn't really interested in listening as he was busy watching the flat screen telly in the police station which was showing footage from a Cliff Richard concert. Cliff Richard of course being Donald Duck's idol. This reminded Mickey of another story which's title came on screen and it read, "Cliffhanger." Before Minnie arrived to bail Mickey out, he had tried to get the janitor at the police station; Horace Horsecollar to help him out by offering Horace a lift in his dark red Lincoln Continental. Horace was busy however and had shoved a big gas tube into his mouth which caused his skin to become pale like the whale, and he fell to the ground to his presumed death. Poor Horace is always getting the short end of the stick when it comes to projects such as this. Mickey shook his head.

Cliffhanger started with Donald Duck just like in the last movie sitting in front of the fireplace with a mug of hot chocolate while his beloved Cliff played on the radio. Many years ago, Donald actually appeared on a quiz show where he angered his team by not helping with any of the questions, but when the team won Donald happily took his share of the take and declared he was going to see Bono. He refers to Cliff Richard as Bono for some reason. Daisy and the nephews were out doing some Christmas shopping, and Daisy in her usual annoying ways didn't want Donald being lazy all Christmas Eve, she wanted him to do some constructive stuff. This film isn't very Christmassy is it? Wanting to surprise his annoying fucking nephews, Donald opted to 'persuade' Cliff to perform Mistletoe And Wine in the middle of the town square where everyone could see him. Donald realising he didn't have the dosh to get Cliff to perform; he asked Disney character Brom Bones from the classic Adventures Of Ichbod and Mr Toad to catch the Cliff wave and persuade him to sing for Daisy and the nephews. Completely misunderstanding the situation, Brom Bones smiled perhaps a little patronisingly at Donald as he said, "you can count on me Donald." "Good, I got enough problems to deal with here on the home front." Donald remarked. It was true. On Christmas day, the whole Duck clan including Scrooge McDuck and Aunt Gertie. Side note; Aunt Gertie only ever appeared in Mickey's Once Upon A Christmas. She never appeared again because Disney thought she was too fat for a duck and so they told her to take a hike. Aunt Gertie started jogging, but she got hit by a truck was being driven by resident pimp JD O'Toole. JD took Gertie to his offices over at JD INC where he basically forced her to run his rackets. Tell me about his rackets as Lincoln Clay once said, but in any case back to the film, Brom Bones really needed glasses it would seem as he ended up capturing the completely wrong Cliff. He kidnapped Cliff of Cliff Notes fame who was busy reading from a book in the public library. He was the only person who still dared to use the library as the librarian was very aggressive and known for throwing people out from the ceiling window just because they dared to walk upon the creaky part of the wooden floor. Cliff was currently in the middle of having a heated debate with the head of Macbeth and they argued over the themes of the play at hand. When Macbeth offered up a super complex version, Cliff got very awkward as he was thrown into a Tesco carrier bag by Bones. That evening, Daisy and the nephews returned to Donald's house carrying the presents. Daisy refused to give Donald his present which was a hot chocolate dispenser as she asked, "how did you get on Mr Duck?" I cannot believe that Daisy would say a thing like that, but anyways Donald responded with, "just dandy." Suddenly, Brom Bones burst in and he presented Cliff from Cliff Notes fame, and he started hovering in the sky above everyone. Daisy got angry, but before she could yell at Donald for kidnapping the yellow caped freak; Cliff had started teaching the nephews all about Of Mice And Men, and how George Washington loved biscuit bran and he ate it every morning. The boys weren't doing very well in English or History, and so Daisy opted to let Cliff stay.

The family sat down to a delicious meal of Christmas ham, and Cliff used his laser vision to cut the bread as he said, "I'm Cliff and these are my notes!" Yes, Cliff we know who you are prick. Back in present day, Mickey's friends Goofy, Donald, and Daisy ugh were shown in Donald's condo waiting for Mickey to arrive, which is when Donald decided to help pass the time by telling a couple stories. This was when YouTuber Jradgex came on screen and said, "here's a section of the show I like to call Mini Runs." Mini Runs featured a bunch of stories that were condescend so that the big meaty Mickey Mouse story could take up the bulk of the movie's runtime. The first rapid fire story was called How The Pete Stole Christmas which as you guessed it was a parody of How The Grinch Stole Christmas with Big Pete in the role of The Grinch, or at least that's how it started as it soon changed into being a boxing match between Pete and Sully CEO of Monsters Incorporated. The second rapid fire story was called Scrooge x Scrooge which was about Scrooge McDuck befriending Ebenezer Scrooge, and while the pair were good friends at first, ole Mr McDuck grew to hate Ebby for how miserable he truly was, and Scrooge tried to help out by giving the miserable old coot a lift to the local hospital so that Ebby could have get his head checked if see if misery runs through the brain veins like a train. "Touch my rope." McDuck said as he used a piece of robe from his cloth lined velvet suit and he used to tug Ebenezer towards the car. Ebenezer was very awkward and refused to go, and McDuck got over this issue by putting some super gorilla glue on his hand. Scrooge was able to drag the old man to the hospital who was kicking and screaming all the way there not knowing it was pointless to try and break free from the mighty gorilla glue as it had been approved of Dominic Souvlaki the head of the advertising committee at Souvlaki Hut, and the glue was made from the sweat of Dominic's gorilla bro meaning that the glue was literally gorilla clue. At the hospital, the highly corrupt Doctor Taza refused to check Ebby out as he needed to book himself in or else. On Christmas day, Real Life Scrooge sat in his counting house counting some counters as Mr McDuck came in with a big box of honey nut cheerio's. He placed the cheerio's down on the top in front of Real Life Scrooge. "The taste of nuts and honey." Real Life Scrooge remarked in the careless whisper of a good friend as he took a big ole bite from the cheerio's, as he declared it the sweetest taste he's ever known.

Real Life Scrooge ran through the town wishing Merry Christmas to everyone he saw, and eventually became a better man by donating money to a local charity ran by Dorchester Vole and Franklin B Mole, sadly the pair ended up losing all of Real Life Scrooge's money after their charity was found to be a front for the Golf Mafia. Real Life Scrooge changed very quickly and went back to his old ways as he realised that being nicer hadn't really gotten him anywhere. Then one year later, on Christmas day everything changed, Real Life Scrooge read in the paper that Scrooge McDuck had lost his beloved bagpipes suspecting them to have been stolen by the Men of the Cloth. Hear me Mr Duck, charge their doings to them not us! Anyways, Real Life Scrooge in his wet slippers and custard stained dressing gown headed down the snowy roads to McDuck Manor. He knocked upon the door, and ole Duckworth answered it. "I'm sorry Sir, but Mr Duck is currently attending business up at the Money Bin." Duckworth explained, only to get grabbed by the shirt collar by Real Life Scrooge who said with tears in his ass, "I'm sorry." He then walked down the road never to be seen again. Meanwhile, Scrooge McDuck was shown sitting inside his money bin, and he was very rude to his caterer who made him a big ole sandwich, and Scrooge refused to eat it as he is secretly scared of sandwiches yet he continues to eat them as while he is afraid of them he is their master. He is the master of his fear! Once the two mini stories were done and dusted, Mickey and Minnie found themselves stuck in the middle of a massive snowstorm, A pointless Disney cameo then happened when Jiminy Cricket plumped down from above using his umbrella. "This wouldn't have happened if you still had your Christmas spirit Mickey." Jiminy said arrogantly. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" Mickey yelled at the very top of his lungs as he proceeded to bash Jiminy in with a hammer. I'd say I was upset, but truth be told Jiminy Cricket is the one Disney character I truly cannot stand. He looks more like a walking peanut than a cricket, and I love crickets I put them in jars, and then send them to the local mob unaware that one of their top hitmen Clive Tarrell has a thing for crickets, and puts them up his nose as it is the only way with cope with the guilt after he accidentally murdered a couple that were on a cruise by giving them cherry pie laced with toxic waste from a sunshine princess. Sunshine princess, what am I like? Mickey and Minnie headed into town, where they eventually sat down atop an old oak tree as Minnie asked what had happened to Pluto, and why Mickey now owned a dog and most damningly Minnie asked why Mickey appeared to be so miserable this holiday season. "I will tell you, but this is a secret. We're all ears whisper cheers." Mickey said as Goofy could be heard whispering in the background, "cheers." The final story's title came on screen and it read, "Dog In Dog Out," and it featured Mickey entering Pluto into the annual Christmas day dog show in order to make something of his mushy pea of a dog after Pluto is mocked in the town square by Donald for having a face like a horseshoe wasp. Huh? In a highly out of character moment and much like his incarnation from the second Mickey Christmas movie, Mickey got very callous and cruel as he dawned a big bushy moustache and a red jumpsuit as he began ordering Pluto to do a massive obstacle course. Pluto failed miserably at doing the course as he kept failing all of the tasks, even the egg and spoon race was failed so badly by him that it's almost suspicious. Pluto got eggs all over his body and Mickey looked at the pooch with contempt but then a voice could be heard saying, "dirty," in an overly serious tone.

Outraged by the comment, Mickey turned to confront the sayer of the phrase when he came face to face with a man in a fancy blue suit and tie. "Who are you?" Asked Mickey as the man responded with, "I'll tell who I am. I'm the cleaner, and your dog is very dirty." He got right up in Mickey's mutant ears as he said, "this is very dirty." The cleaner revealed his obsession with cleanliness came from his mother having an affair with Mr Clean who just so happened to be the cleaner's real father. The cleaner also revealed he was a man of many talents as he also happened to be an expert dog trainer. The cleaner was paid 60 grand as a small fee, as he trained Pluto, but he didn't play nice with Pluto as he falcon punched the dog into a tree when he refused to eat the vegetables that had been offered him as Pluto craved the meat, and he saw a pigeon dancing in the road and he tried to charge at it, but he was held back by the cleaner. Very sad scene indeed. For some reason, Pluto was very keen on making a good impression on the cleaner, and I get the impression that the filmmakers were trying to make it seem like it was because Pluto was so impressed by the cleaner that he didn't want to fail him, but personally, I think it's because Pluto was so afraid of him. Pluto tried his best to impress the cleaner, but he did so poorly especially when he kept chasing a butterfly named Moe when he was supposed to be standing still so that the cleaner's friend in the Greek council could paint a picture of him. The painter stormed off in anger and threw his tools upon the cleaner's face who now looked like a sad clown which is when of course he opted to bow out, and Mickey himself took over as Pluto's coach personally. Mickey sucked at being a coach, but he was able to get Pluto to continue working for him over the course of the Christmas season by promising to make him quell eggs. Pluto barked a bark, and Mickey gave him a wink for his promise. On Christmas day, the dog show was surprisingly full as the only things being sold at the shelves were trading cards from 1943 and a rubber chicken doll that when squeezed sounds like a truck going down a hill at max speed. Zeus the dog that now belonged to Mickey in present times was shown chilling inside one of the tents, and when he saw the very skinny Pluto a sinister plot entered the ugly dog's mind. Zeus was a beautiful dog according to the audience in the dog show, and even Minnie and Daisy both seemed to be attracted to the might of Zeus baby. "Oh my!" Minnie cried in shock at the sight of Zeus. Indeed. However, Zeus was a proper uckers as Big Shaq would say, and regardless of that fact, Zeus then showed just how evil he could be by tricking Pluto into eating all of the buffet food before any of the other contestants got to eat it and the buffet was meant for everyone and so you know that wasn't the best. The buffet was royal with hot dogs, hamburgers, bacon kebabs, ostrich eggs, chicken nugget happy meal, red velvet pancakes, meatball sub, rainbow confetti loaf, and a bowl full of Cadburys Crème Eggs. Pluto licked his lips widely, as he dug into the bounty of the buffet but his stomach began to give him grief just before the dog show began as he suddenly became a big chungus. Pluto however took a deep breath, and was able to suck all of the fat into him.

Out on the field, Pluto suddenly became a big chungus again as he really needed to go to the restroom, but Mickey was having none of it as he yelled, "what are you doing!?" Pluto ran through the field, with Mickey only just barely managing to hold onto the lead that was wrapped around the poor dog's neck. Pluto ended up breaking off the lead as he went flying into the sky, and he fell on top of the trophy where he proceeded to unload his guts. Pluto shat so much that toxic green waste filled the entire arena. Many guests had to be taken to the hospital, while at least 200 pigeons died from the stink. Pluto himself went from being a big chungus to shrivelled up like a skeleton in just two seconds, and he was clearly very sick and should have been taken to the hospital immediately. What did ole Mickey Mouse do? He proceeded to evict Pluto from his house, as he felt like Pluto was deliberately trying to ensure that Mickey never succeeded in life. Mickey was also painfully aware that Pluto was the one who ratted on him to Minnie about him stealing her jewellery. One Christmas Eve, Mickey had dinner at Minnie's pad and proceeded to nick her diamond coated rings while she slept in a rubber dingy just like her uncle Alf, and I don't mean the alien. For the robbery, Mickey was wearing a balaclava, but Pluto recognised his master instantly and licked the throbbing and quite frankly disgustingly lumpy face of Mickey who had pockmarks all over and he just looked sad so very sad that his cover had been blown. From that point on, Minnie forbade Mickey from dining in her house unless he had Pluto accompanying him. This meant that Minnie's coveted short stack pancakes were now out of Mickey's reach, and the only place that served them was the local diner ran by the most patronising waitress I've ever seen all the while an Elvis Presley impersonator orders bacon and eggs in an attempt to see if he'll get spotted and be asked to sing a cover of Love Me Tender for the 50th time in a row. I always thought that song was about a tender pork chop. Also, a Texan dog with a cowboy hat and a Southern drool sits behind you and smiles at you for making an order on your own accord. In any case, Pluto was very hungry as he sadly walked through the snowy streets of Mickey Mouse Land as People Just Ain't No Good from Shrek 2 played in the background. Pluto knew that his incident at the dog show had cost Minnie her reputation as customers at her boutique were now mocking her for being friends with a dog they dubbed Scooby Poo. Hmm. Pluto thankfully didn't stay downtrodden for long as when he reached the Brooklyn Bridge which was green instead of red, he was confronted by a weird cat like creature called Mr Bite who offered Pluto free lodgings and free hot meals in exchange for Pluto indulging in Mr Bite's fetish. Mr Bite had a thing for Pluto biting his bushy tail, and in order to get a bite of the delicious Christmas turkey that Mr Bite had on his person, Pluto would have give his tail a big ole snarl. Pluto licked his lips, and bit the tail which caused Mr Bite to fly into the sky as he proclaimed, "oh yeah." Mickey eventually adopted Zeus after his old owner abandoned him at the dog shelter when it was discovered that Zeus was 2% mash potato pudding.

Still caring about his beloved pet Pluto, Mickey tried to gain back Pluto's love for him, but it was too late for Pluto had seen as clear as day that Mickey had no love in his heart. Mickey pretending to be a mannequin stood at the front of a local store's window display, and he stood there motionless as Pluto and Mr Bite walked past. Pluto looked at the window display, and rolled his eyes as he walked past. Tears swelled in Mickey's eyes as he realised that he made such a big mistake. Back in present times, Mickey and Minnie finally arrived at Donald's house, and he and the others seemed very pleased to see the pair with Goofy in particular proclaiming in song form, "welcome Mickey and Minnie ya know that we missed ya!" Mickey and Minnie were ushered into the house, and fed stone cold corn on the cob by Goofy who smugly told the pair that if they wanted warm food they should have been at the house earlier. The whole gang sat in a circle, and exchanged gifts with Mickey getting a bottle of ass which smelt so bad that Mickey grimaced harder than any Grimace I've ever known, and Goofy got a bottle of Old Spice as everyone including his implied love interest Clarabelle Cow knew about Goofy's love for Terry Crews. Goofy loved Crews deeply, and wanted to rub his buck teeth over the booming man's biceps. However when asked about it, Goofy strongly denied being in love with Terry Crews, and claims that his only real love is Lake Destiny Idaho. Sadly, the passing of the presents came to an abrupt holt when an RV crashed into the side of Donald's condo, and Big Pete was the one driving the RV along with his fat ass son PJ who jumped on top of Goofy nearly crushing him to death. "Sorry, for being late Goof. Traffic was rough." Pete laughed hysterically as he brought two large steaks and two even larger bits of garlic chicken spring rolls. Donald lost his temper, but remembering a passage from chapter 2 of the Big Book of Manners, he managed to bite his beak and accepted Pete into his home. Pete started grilling up the steaks, but he put way too much petrol on the grill which caused a massive fire to burn the entire house down. Upon standing outside of the burnt wreckage, Donald asked Daisy, "so it's okay if I sleep on your couch?" "You're too old to be sleeping on my couch Donald, besides I just bought the thing I don't want you lousing it up with your feathers." Daisy said. She really is the worst isn't she? That was when from beyond the hills of rain came Pluto who walked into the area like a wounded soldier returning home from war. Pluto however ignored Mickey, and went straight for humping Goofy's tennis shoes. Mickey was annoyed with Pluto's constant dismissiveness towards him especially since it was Christmas day after all, but that was when out of the blue the beautiful, the wonderful, the marvellous Sage came to the rescue.

Mickey and Pluto stood on opposite ends of the burned rubble as Sage asked Mickey, "have I taught you two nothing?" Sage indeed was an old friend of Mickey having taught him valued lessons while Mick was back in his home turf of Midwestern America where he used to smoke and chew tobacco down on the farms. That is just classic Mickey Mouse I tell you what. Anyways, Sage like some kind of Charlie B Barking looked at Pluto and then looked at Mickey, and then he did it again and again with an overly suggestive look in the eyes that looked someone who had a big plan in mind. Far too big for such a simple tumbleweed to have. Sage then said, "Mickey, don't you see Pluto's poor heart aches with every step you take." Then a musical cover of The Police played which I guess was all Mickey and Pluto needed to be able to reconcile their differences. Just like with the first movies, the film ended with all the Disney characters Sage included coming hand in hand to sing We Wish You A Merry Christmas, even Marlene the walrus came to sing with the others somehow. Mickey meanwhile smiled a smelly smile as he debated telling the story of how Donald murdered Goofy for screwing up the nutcracker story which got heavily screwed up by having Donald and Goofy sitting in a snow globe together with Goofy teaching us about how sugar plums work. Mickey opted this was better to be kept for the fourth film he planned on pitching to Disney entitled, "Mickey's Quarternary Upon A Christmas." This one would have featured Chip And Dale hunting for Winnie The Pooh after they hear rumours that he brutally ate Indiana Dog, unaware that it was actually Pooh's understudy George Bear The II who had done the deed. Perhaps we should call him Mr Deeds. After viewing the film, I had some thoughts to share. While I really do wish a third Mickey Mouse Christmas film had made, this proposed third film had very little if anything to actually do with Christmas, and much like with Twice Upon A Christmas, the characters were too mean spirited and bone idle to the point of giving you ass flu. I've never been a massive fan of Minnie Mouse, but I didn't like how much she and Pluto suffered during the story. Minnie should know that she could be due compensation. Not interested? Former acclaimed LA movie director Carson Clay came into the Disney Vault. Clay had recently been hired by Disney to write a docu series for Disney+ all about his addiction to eating wedding rings. He picked the DVD of Mickey's Thrice Upon A Christmas up from the ground as he asked, "whose is this?" Clay was unable to see me running as I ran down the roads caring not a button that I may be late for my tea as I'm totally radical like my backwards red baseball cap as I made my way towards what appeared to be a local carnival. I didn't know that the carnival was back in town yet, I thought all the clowns flew south for the Winter. Before entering the big top, some local teenage hoods warned me from going inside as Professor Screweyes did not like to be disturbed, but I warned them to back off before I gave them a knuckle sandwich.

Inside the circus, Professor Screweyes the head of the circus which specializes in making people experience their own fears was trying to get a clown to sit in a pool full of dangerous alligators as he claimed that it built character. "Can I help?" I asked as I appeared from behind Screweyes who pulled a contract out from his stinky ear as he said, "wanna sign?" "Hmm no. I am a scared." I said sheepishly as Screweyes laughed evilly before saying, "you are... good." I wanted to prove how macho I was to the clowns that were sitting in the pews including one who was eating a burger with pink meat that more than likely had worms in it, but there's something you need to know about that clown in particular he was going to eat his fucking burger whether it had worms in it or not. I cut the tip of my finger with a thumbtack, and I then stuck it on the bottom of the contract which led to my name magically appearing in it. "Huzzah!" I proclaimed like Governor Swan only for Screweyes to say, "oh, I don't think so young nat." Screweyes then proceeded use some of his cannons which contained magic dust to transform from being a boy into a fricking chimpanzee. Screweyes then showed just how much of an evil bastard he could be by making me and fellow chimp Elder Price perform stand up comedy, the same jokes every evening. Elder Price had a boyfriend and two children back in Chimp City that they missed terribly, but I didn't mind much as Elder Price was very rude and proper sarky for a chimp I must say. We performed our stand up comedy only to people that were terrified of monkeys, and upon seeing the audience freak out at our appearance alone without even hearing any of our jokes I might add, Screweyes proclaimed, "do you see what they are most afraid of?" I don't. Elder Price and I frequently tried to escape to no avail, as Screweyes and his clown posse were able to catch us in the act each and every time we tried to make a move. I was eventually given another chimp friend named Cecile who also used to be a human before succumbing to Screweye's cruel experiments. Cecile had a thing for me, but I didn't reciprocate I mean how could I? She sounded like Lisa Simpson on chewits. Screweyes kept us confined in big smelly cages, and on a slow day at the circus, Screweyes explained that his obsession with fear came from when he was a child. He took a nap under a berry bush when one of the berries just one fall upon his eye, a hungry bird spied the berry twas a crow I believe it pecked for the berry but got his eye instead. He used a corkscrew to fill the black void that his eye had once occupied.

Well; I got to be going as it's time for Elder Price, Cecelia, and I to perform the Great Pyramid Of Chimp in which I stand on a large beach ball, Cecelia stands on my hand, and Elder Price stands at the very top of the pyramid. I get very uncomfortable and tired as Screweyes keeps postponing the show to talk about how the pyramid is quite big, hmm his constant side tracking of the story at hand really reminds me of someone, but I can't really think of who that could be for the life of me. Oh my, this is getting meta. Well, that's my time. So, just remember if you ever find yourself in the Disney Vault after dark, don't try hiding in the circus because your troubles may have only just begun.