Law & Order: Restaurant Unit

***Law & Order: Restaurant Unit*** is the sixty-fourth episode of *Off Book: The Improvised Musical,* and features guests Scott Aukerman, Lauren Lapkus, and Paul F. Tompkins. The plot follows a crack team of investigators as they pursue justice for the victims of restaurant crimes, solving a murder and listing their favorite yogurt toppings in the process.

## Episode Description

They’re hereee! Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins, and Lauren Lapkus of Threedom are Jess and Zach’s triple guests this week in a new musical packed with soft-serve caves, restaurant police, 68-ing(?) and Zendaya as Meechee. With songs like “…A Tree”, “What Are We Saying?” and “Find That Owl!”, you won’t stop singing along to these t-hooo-nes!

## Plot

### Act I

The date is September 25, 2018. In a grove of birch trees nestled in a fancy forest, a couple is preparing to order food at a tree restaurant. Chief server Peter (assisted by his shadow, Mark, and Mark's shadow, Cheralyn) attempts to explain the restaurant's concept—a triple-shadow, shared-plate, vegetarian buffet where all the food falls from the branches above ("At a Tree").

Upon discovering that the tree restaurant does not serve meat, the Woman of the Couple requests a refund for their previously purchased two-person Groupon. When their refund is delayed, they become agitated. Cheralyn suggests to Peter (via Mark) that the tree employees do something nice for the customers to offset their negative experience. Through a series of exchanges, this is eventually interpreted as an offer to sleep with the couple—an offer to which they and the servers eventually all consent. A five-some ensues, culminating in the exotic and somewhat challenging sixty-eight position ("What Are We Saying?").

Peter praises Cheralyn (via Mark) for her performance. The two-pon couple prepare to leave the tree, but first reiterate their request for a refund. Peter refuses, referring them instead to the fine print ("At the Bottom of the Two-Pon"). In addition, he warns them that loitering after hours can result in their arrest.

An entire squad of restaurant police arrive—the Captain, the Sergeant, the Woman Cop, the Lieutenant, and the Dog. However, the couple escapes during the squad's lengthy introduction. Unfazed, the officers celebrate one another's best traits with a series of compliments. As they finish, the proprietor of a nearby frozen yogurt cave runs up, complaining that all her toppings have been stolen. The restaurant police begin their investigation by soliciting a list of the toppings in question. They then brainstorm strategies for solving the case, none of which involve locating the thief. A discussion of their own preferred froyo toppings coincidentally reveals that the Sergeant's wife died under mysterious circumstances ("Compliments and Toppings [The Restaurant Police Song]").

### Act II

The Sergeant is noticeably uncomfortable discussing the events surrounding his wife's death. The Woman Cop presses him on this point, persisting despite some active harassment from the Lieutenant. The Sergeant begins his story, but is interrupted by Brittany, the ghost of his dead wife, who states unequivocally that the Sergeant chopped her up and stuffed her into a pillowcase. In contrast, the Sergeant claims that she was attacked by an owl, fell down the stairs, and spontaneously separated into many pieces. Always ready to give a man the benefit of the doubt, the Captain resolves to chase the owl down and arrest it ("The Ballad of the Sergeant's Wife/Find That Owl"). Still protesting, the ghost disappears.

The restaurant police make their way to the yogurt cave, which is also a haven for Halloween creatures (like owls). Unsolicited, the Lieutenant kisses the proprietor, much to her disgust. A Halloween Bear in a witch's hat emerges from the cave and attempts to chase the restaurant police away. Then, a large, fluffy bird with a very flexible neck appears, repeatedly asking "Who?" Pondering the true meaning of this question, the Dog experiences a personal epiphany. He then poses this question of identity to the others. The Halloween Bear falls asleep before answering. The Woman Cop reflects on her past career plans. The Lieutenant reveals that he is better at golf than bowling. The Captain realizes he has a problem with sexual harassment in his department, but is too much of a coward to act. The Sergeant confesses that he cannot spell "Sergeant." Everyone discovers that the Woman Cop is functionally illiterate ("Who Are We?").

The bird attacks the Sergeant. The Captain suddenly realizes that the bird is an owl.

The ghost of Brittany, the Sergeant's wife, has entered into the body of the owl, much like Boston Brand, Deadman. She states again that she was murdered. Despite evidence that the Sergeant both killed his wife and stole the yogurt toppings, the Captain continues to look for any way to avoid arresting him.

The tree employees, now off work, arrive at the yogurt cave and urge the Captain to do the right thing. The two-pon couple enter also, looking for yogurt at end of a long day. Peter (via Mark and Cheralyn) warns the proprietor not to serve the couple. Amid the ensuing argument, the Dog approaches the Captain and, together with the other non-murdering officers, encourages him to believe the dead woman and challenge the status quo by arresting the guilty man ("Time to Be Brave"). He does so. The Lieutenant leads the group in a rousing chorus of celebration ("Zendaya Is Meechee").

Now at peace, the ghost ascends to heaven. The Captain fires the leering Lieutenant and allows the Dog to retire. The Dog cuddles up with the bear for some much-deserved sleep. This startles the bear awake, and he immediately eats the Dog. The two-pon couple is left without a refund, but the Captain does offer to pay for everyone's yogurt tomorrow, when the cave has re-stocked its toppings. Cheralyn (via Mark) starts to ask Peter if they can come for yogurt in the morning, but, for the first time, Peter wants to hear directly from her. The two servers share an exhilarating connection. Upon exploring that feeling, they discover that the attraction extends nine ways—to Peter, Mark, Cheralyn, the Woman of the Couple, the Man of the Couple, the Woman Cop, the Captain, the yogurt shop proprietor, and the owl/ghost (back again). Not the Lieutenant. Naturally, the nine of them round out the evening with a sixty-eight.

**Show/Hide**
## Musical Cast

### Scott Aukerman

* The Man of the Couple
* Lieutenant of the Restaurant Police
* Halloween Bear

### Lauren Lapkus

* The Woman of the Couple
* The Woman Cop
* Brittany, the ghost of the Sergeant's wife

### Jessica McKenna

* Cheralyn, Mark's shadow
* Restaurant Police Dog
* Halloween Yogurt Cave proprietor
* An owl

### Zach Reino

* Mark, Peter's shadow
* Captain of the Restaurant Police

### Paul F. Tompkins

* Peter, head server
* Sergeant of the Restaurant Police

## Songs

* "At a Tree" (7:51)
* "What Are We Saying?" (13:15)
* "At the Bottom of the Two-pon" (18:00)
* "Compliments and Toppings (The Restaurant Police Song)" (21:15)
* "The Ballad of the Sergeant's Wife/Find That Owl" (30:53)
* "Who Are We?" (39:01)
* "Time to Be Brave" (48:00)
* "Zendaya Is Meechee" (51:10)
* "Sixty-Eight" (Finale) (55:36)

Closing Song:

* "Theme from *New York State of Mind*" (Pitch a Sit-Song) (1:02:31)
* "Theme from *Eye of the Tiger*" (Pitch a Sit-Song) (1:06:38)
* "Theme from *MMMBop*" (Pitch a Sit-Song) (1:08:43)
* "Theme from *The Star-Spangled Banner*" (Pitch a Sit-Song) (1:11:18)

## Two Laws You Probably Didn't Know About

1. It's illegal to be in a restaurant after it closes.
2. You have one week to solve a murder after you find out about it.

## Trivia

* This is the first in-studio appearance of Engineer Brett on guitar.