The Haunted House (Part 2)/Transcript

(Intro and Titlecard)

Host: It’s elimination time here on The Infamous Object Show, we’ve tallied your votes to see who should be kicked off, and the contestant leaving us today is…

(Drumroll plays)

Host: Useless Thing!

Useless Thing: Dang! (Walks off) (Screams as splattering sounds are heard)

Useless Thing: Gee, that was a close one.

Host: Also, everyone seems to hate Fake Max Headroom.

Fake Max Headroom: Heyheyheyheyheyheyhey (Explodes)

Host: Oh, and no one likes Skeeter, so…goodbye!

(Smerph picks up Skeeter, puts him in a cannon and lights the fuse)

Skeeter: (Barks)

(Cuts to the teams)

Host: Yellow Team, for winning the first challenge, you get this commutative bottle opener!

(Bottle opener reading The Inflammable Object Shoe falls out of the sky)

NiP gnilwoB: Gee, thanks.

Host: Team Bleeding Octopus, you did not win the challenge, so you obviously get nothing!

(AGT no buzzer sound plays)

Host: And Team #3, you didn’t win the challenge either, but you get this car!

(Audience clapping sound plays)

Copyright Claim: Sweet!

Crave Me Bar: Wait, why do they get a CAR?

Host: I don’t know, I just like the cut of their gib.

(Cuts to Team #3 with their car)

Water Bear: Wait, where are the keys?

Host: No keys.

Regurgitated Stuff: Then how are we supposed to drive it?

Host: Your car, your problem.

Copyright Claim: Did you steal this car?

Host: Your problem! (Leaves)

Water Bear: Anyone know how to hotwire a car?

Regurgitated Stuff: Yeah, give me a sec.

XD: You guys gotta let me drive!

Copyright Claim: But you’re not old enough to drive!

Water Bear: Wait, how old ARE we?

(Ol’ Mayo appears)

Copyright Claim: Hey, do you know how old we are?

Ol’ Mayo: Heh heh. Sit down and relax and I’ll explain it all.

(Cuts to flashback)

Ol’ Mayo: Right down this very street, there used to be a video store where I rented movies featuring adult themes and situations. The store was run by a guy named Cranby. Ol’ Cranby was the easy-going type, never got involved in politics-

(Team #3 starts their car)

Ol’ Mayo: Oh no! (Gets hit)

Regurgitated Stuff: This baby really has a kick to it, huh.

XD: Oh wow, there’s a CB radio in this thing! (Starts talking into it) Record breaker, we’re doing double nickels! Anyone got their ears on?

CV Radio Guy: Heh heh, copy that! We’re wall to wall and treetop tall, 10-4!

XD: Threes and eights, good buddy!

Regurgitated Stuff: Okay, what the heck is happening right now?

Copyright Claim: Guys, look how ahead!

(Car stops)

XD: Hey Record, the host gave our team this car!

Regurgitated Stuff: No thanks to you.

Record: That’s great, leave me alone.

Copyright Claim: What are you doing?

Record: I’m selling bags.

Copyright Claim: Bags of what?

Record: They’re just empty bags.

Water Bear: What do you do with them?

Record: You put stuff in them.

Regurgitated Stuff: Well, good luck with that dude. Looks like you’re gonna be rich!

XD: Do you wanna come with us? There’s some room in the trunk!

Record: That’s okay, but I think I’d rather die here.

Water Bear: Suit yourself!

(Team #3 drives off)

Copyright Claim: Let’s get some music playing!

XD (holding tapes that read Electric Bread, The Buddy Rich Tuba Solo Album and Col. Sanders Breakdance Party): Ugh, these tapes aren’t the best.

Regurgitated Stuff: Whatever, just play it!

(XD puts tape on)

Colonel Sanders (rapping in tape): That’s right, folks call it different, tha-tha-tha-that’s right folks call it finger lickin’. It’s really different, different-different-different, it’s really different. It’s really different.

(Cuts back to the other teams)

Crave Me Bar: This is ridiculous! Why did one of the losing teams get a car?

Google Image: I thought it was nice for the host to do that!

Crave Me Bar: But all we got was some lousy bootleg merch, It’s not even fair!

Imagination Meme: Hey, we should vote out the host!

Crave Me Bar: Now THAT’S a great idea! HOST!

Host (coming back): Ugh, do you understand what me time is? Please go away!

Crave Me Bar: We did a little vote, and guess what? We’re kicking you off the show!

Host: You guys aren’t very smart.

Imagination Meme: That’s right!

NiP gnilwoB: It doesn’t matter, we want you to leave.

Host: Welp, the producers were afraid something like this would happen, so they hired a backup host.

Smerph: Great! Let’s welcome the new guy!

Host: Heh heh, you’re NOT gonna like him!

Mask: Whoever it is, it can’t be worse then you-

Host: It’s me! I’m the backup. You can’t get rid of me that easily.

(Pixel says something rude that has to be censored)

Announcer: We interrupt the program to bring you an important message.

(Cuts to Amityville Public Library)

Burnt Toast: (Walks up to easel) Good evening. I’d like to take this time to point out the contestant with the most votes to be eliminated was actually Newton’s Universal Law Of Gravitation. Now, we here at The Infamous Object Show consider our program to be educational. One that at the very least subscribes to the basic laws of physics. We couldn’t very well eliminate gravity, cause then the show would lose the element of realism. Something we pride ourselv-OH NO!!! (Gets hit by car)

Ol’ Mayo: Heh, first time?

Regurgitated Stuff: Get these guys off the hood!

Water Bear: Use your windshield wipers or something.

(Car drives past Berg and Burg sitting in their police car)

Berg: Hey, it’s that stolen car!

Burg: Let’s roll!

(They chase after them)

XD: Oh no, Mama Bear’s on our tail!

Regurgitated Stuff: Just perfect.

Copyright Claim: I knew this car was stolen! Pull over!

Water Bear: No, let’s outrun them!

Copyright Claim: But there’s a giant ravine directly in front of us!

Regurgitated Stuff: I’m gonna jump it!

XD: Yeah, put the hare down!

Copyright Claim: You guys are nuts! Oh no, I think I’m gonna be sick! (Vomits)

Water Bear: Oof, we really could’ve used one of those bags right about now.

Regurgitated Stuff: Here we go, brace yourselves!

(Copyright Claim, Regurgitated Stuff, Water Bear and XD all scream as the car starts falling into the ravine, then it pauses)

Announcer #2: Will Team #3 make the jump? Will Record make a fortune selling bags? Will Bristles make the perfect Thanksgiving dinner? These and other questions have a high probability of being answered in the next episode of The Infamous Object Show!

(Credits)