Jealous

*Todd plays "Jealous" on the piano*

***NICK JONAS - JEALOUS
A pop song review***

**Todd**: Okay, so, uh...we need to talk about this.

*Clip of "Jealous"*
**Todd (VO)**: So, you know how there used to be this...

*Clips of The Jonas Brothers - "Lovebug" and "Burnin' Up"*
**Todd (VO)**: ...teen boy band, and they were all brothers, and they were disgustingly wholesome, and very outwardly religious, like...most people knew that about them before anything else? They were very, very white and very religious? Okay, well, what would *[back to "Jealous"]* happen if, all of a sudden, the lead singer of the band became an adult and decided he wanted to be this grown-up, sexy, pop heartthrob, and he actually made himself over like that and put himself out there and, against all odds, people started actually buying it and made him a hit?

**Todd**: Imagine that. Well, I can imagine it, because it actually happened. This song exists, and the song I'm talking about is, of course, the big comeback single from...

*Cut to the music video for...*
**Todd (VO)**: ...Donny Osmond, "Soldier of Love," from 1989.

**Donny**: You heard that I'm a rebel, with a heart made of stone.
**Todd**: Ha-ha, what the hell? People actually bought this?

**Todd (VO)**: People actually bought *[single cover of "Too Young"]* all grown up non-child star Donny Osmond as, like, this hot sexy pop star? How the hell did that happen?

**Donny**: I am willing to fight, 'cause I'm a soldier of love.
**Todd (VO)**: I could talk about this weird blip of music history forever, and I wish I could because I know a whole lot about Donny Osmond. And I actually know very little about...

**Todd**: ...Nick Jonas or the Jonas Brothers, who I'm supposed to be talking about.

*Clip of The Jonas Brothers - "SOS"*
**Todd (VO)**: Look, I'm trying to catch up, but the Jonas Brothers were one of those pop culture phenomena that I missed completely. Yeah, they were like a lot of teen pop acts, in that they were huge, hot music superstars who were weirdly easy to ignore, even if you listened to a lot of pop music like I did. I knew they were religious, and Disney owned their souls and *[Clip of Mickey Mouse kicking Joe Jonas in the* South Park *episode "The Ring"]* bodily organs.

*Clip of "When You Look Me in the Eyes"*
**Todd (VO)**: I guess I heard this song once or twice. I think I thought it was a Shania Twain song. I've gone back and listened to them--they're okay. I would have been fine if they'd stuck around. I mean, *[clip of "Thinking 'Bout Something" by...]* Hanson evolved into a pretty good rock band--they could have, too.

**Todd**: But there are many ways to age into adulthood.

**Todd (VO)**: Gracefully like Hanson, *[news footage of...]* complete disastrously like Lindsay Lohan, *[clip of trailer for* Spring Breakers*]* or the high-risk, high-reward approach favored by former Disney stars.

**Todd**: "Look at me, I'm sexy and adult and shit."

*Before-and-after clips of Zac Efron on stage as a teenager and a shirtless young adult.*
**Todd (VO)**: Yes, that happens to the male teenage idols just as often as the female ones. Usually, it just happens more smoothly, so you don't notice it. But of course, sometimes you do.

**Todd**: And you don't even have to be a kid for this to happen to you. Being forced against your will to be squeaky clean does weird things to your brain.

*Clips of* Full House *- "D.J.'s Very First Horse"...*
**Danny (Bob Saget)**: Guys, please get this thing outside. I can't believe this. I just vacuumed in here.
*{ten years later}*

*...and* The Aristocrats
**Bob Saget**: ...diarrhea starts squirting out of his ass. It won't stop. It's like a hemorrhaging shit-ass.
**Todd**: If you think that's any different than Miley twerking on Robin Thicke, think again.

*Video for "Jealous"*
**Todd (VO)**: So, Nick Jonas's approach to his young adulthood is...is the Marky Mark approach. Leather jacket, *[picture of Nick showing his...]* abs. *[Two more pictures]* Girl, look at that body. I work out.

**Todd**: Still has a face like a character from *[picture from...] Antz*, but you know, I'm not the demographic he's trying to impress, so whatever.

**Nick Jonas**: You're too sexy, beautiful
And everybody wants a taste
**Todd (VO)**: He's also changed direction musically. He's not doing teenybopper pop-rock anymore now, he's all R&B, I guess. Is he pulling it off? Honestly, uh, I wasn't impressed at first, but uh...I don't know, performance-wise, I think the kid is growing on me.

**Nick**: I wish you'd save a little bit just for me
**Todd (VO)**: See, it treads the whole heartthrob line without going too far. Which...

**Todd**: ...he apparently was tempted to do.

*Cover art of the remix featuring Tinashe*
**Nick**: You're too fucking beautiful
And everybody wants your sex
**Todd**: ...Yeah. I think he might have also wanted to *[clip of Miley Cyrus'...]* ride naked on a wrecking ball and they wouldn't let him. But yeah, he doesn't...

**Todd (VO)**: ...take it too far, which is good. But more importantly, well...

**Todd**: Let's go back to Donny for a second.

**Todd (VO)**: This song faded from memory almost immediately, and rightly so. It's too derivative. It's really obvious who he was trying to be:

*Clip of George Michael - "I Want Your Sex"*
**George Michael**: I want your sex.
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, it was pretty clear George Michael was what Donny was shooting for. And why wouldn't he? George Michael was stylish, good-looking, confident, presumed heterosexual at the time. *[back to Donny Osmond]* I don't think Donny could grow a five o'clock shadow like George, but in that innocent, innocent era that was the '80s, aspiring to be George Michael was setting your sights pretty high.

**Todd**: But the reason Donny couldn't keep this up is because it was *too* similar.

*Clip of George Michael - "Monkey"*
**Todd (VO)**: We didn't need grown-up Donny because we already had a George Michael. And shortly afterwards, we decided we didn't even need the original George Michael either, so, there you go.

**Todd**: But is that true of Nick Jonas? Is he just copying somebody else?

**Todd (VO):** Ehhh, I don't think so. Do we have any guy right now doing what Nick is trying here, the whole pop idol heartthrob, "I'm buff with boyish good looks, check out my sexy falsetto" thing?

*Clip of Maroon 5 - "Animals"*
**Adam Levine**: AH-OOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Baby, I'm preying on you tonight
**Todd**: Yeah, I'll take Nick Jonas.

**Todd (VO)**: He's better at it than Adam Levine. And when I first heard this song, I wasn't that impressed. I thought it was too Maroon 5.

**Todd**: And when I said "Maroon 5," I don't actually mean it sounded like Maroon 5, I'm just using Maroon 5 in the sense of "uninspired."

**Todd (VO)**: It's an official definition now. But...I don't know. It's smooth enough. Like I said, it's growing on me. I'm not that bothered by it. I'm willing to give it a pass.

**Todd**: Well...that concludes the style portion of the review. Now let's talk about content.

**Nick**: I don't like the way he's looking at you
I'm starting to think you want him too
**Todd (VO)**: If the whole point of this song is to introduce us to the new, "aggressively sexual" Nick Jonas, this is a weird song to do it with!

**Nick**: I turn my chin music up
And I'm puffing my chest
**Todd (VO)**: Like, the point is that he gets jealous and stupid. It's an apology song. That's kind of a tough subject to try and flex to!

**Todd**: *[in a bad boy voice]* Hey, girl. How'd you like to get with an idiot who can't control his emotions and will embarrass you in public? Awww yeah.

**Todd (VO)**: I can't think of anything less attractive than jealousy. I mean, envy is one of the deadly sins. Deadly sins are supposed to be fun! I would happily *[picture of a board showing the seven deadly sins, pointing to each of them as he mentions them]* lust, wrath, pride, glutton and greed all goddamn day! Or at least I would, if I weren't so goddamn *[pointing to "sloth"]* lazy! But envy? No one enjoys that! It's just a pain in the ass for everyone involved!

**Todd**: And...and just speaking as a guy? I don't relate to what Nick's dilemma is here.

**Todd (VO)**: I-I don't understand jealousy. Why the hell would you even bother? I don't get it. N-not to brag, but, I'm not a jealous guy. I've never been jealous.

**Todd**: I have risen above *that* particular character flaw by: 1) not caring about anyone but myself; and 2) not understanding even the basics of human interaction. ...Probably why I've been cheated on multiple times!

*[cut to Todd playing a video game on his Xbox]*

**Todd**: Hey...I was wondering if um, you wanted to catch a movie with me later, and um...Oh. You're hanging out with your ex-boyfriend. Again. Gosh, it's so cool that you guys are close, that's so mature of you! Okay, talk to you later. *[Gets back to game]* Do-d-do-d-do-d-do-d-do...

*[Back to piano]*

**Todd**: So, yeah. I could probably stand to be a little more suspicious than I am. But still, that doesn't make jealousy any more attractive.

**Todd (VO)**: I mean, who acts like that? I can think of other songs about jealousy, but they're not hot.

*Brief clips of "Jealous Guy" by...*
**John Lennon**: I didn't want to hurt you
**Todd (VO)**: John Lennon, he's, you know, sad and apologetic and humble... [*and "Blank Space" by...*] Taylor Swift is like, this psycho demon hellbeast... You know, it doesn't work, right?

**Todd**: Then again, I have distinct memories of *[clip of "Confessions - Part II" by...]* Usher confessing to a girl how many times he's cheated on her *while dancing and stripping.* It was one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen. But apparently, it only made him hotter! And the lesson I took from that is, girls really like it when a guy can be honest and admit his mistakes. *[another brief clip of "Confessions - Part II"]* And that a six-pack doesn't hurt. I need to do more sit-ups. But yeah, I can see how being open about his jealousy issues could actually be attractive. I mean, we all have baggage, no one's perfect.

**Todd (VO)**: He's just explaining what goes through his mind when he gets like this. He puffs his chest up, he turns his cheek music up...

**Nick**: I turn my chin music up
And I'm puffing my chest
**Todd**: Actually, is that line "cheek music up" or "I turn my cheek, music up"?

**Nick**: I turn my chin music up...
**Todd**: Neither of those really make sense. Wait, what is that line? *[picture of a snippet of the song's page on genius.com, which has the Pre-Chorus and shows that the lines are "I turn my chin music up / And i'm puffing my chest"] "Chin* music?"

*Clip of* WWE RAW*, with Shawn Michaels doing his kick on Mark Henry, which is also known as...*
**Michael Cole**: Oh, Sweet Chin Music off the steel chair!
**Todd**: I don't know what Jonas thinks that phrase means, but he's probably wrong. But anyway...

**Todd (VO)**: ...the point is, he talks about puffing his chest, his face turning red, so...you know what, he knows. He's making himself look stupid. He knows that. He knows that none of this is her fault.

**Nick**: It's not your fault that they hover
I mean no disrespect
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, this is his problem, not hers. See? He gets it.

**Nick**: It's not your fault that they hover
I mean no disrespect
It's my right to be hellish
I still get jealous
**Todd**: *[sits there quietly for about five seconds and looks down before putting his hands on his head and then holding them out, being taken aback realizing what he's just heard] WHOA!!!*

**Todd (VO)**: WHOA! WHOA, WHOA WHOA, hold on...

**Todd**: *[puts his finger on the piano board]* Back up!

**Nick**: It's my right to be hellish
**Todd (VO)**: Did he seriously just say right now that he has the right to be hellish?! The right...to be "hellish"?

**Todd**: Holy crap! That is... Well, it's a terrible rhyme for one.

**Todd (VO)**: I mean, that was just very clunky and forced. I...that could have been written so much more smoothly. I don't-I don't like how that lyric was constructed at all.

**Todd**: More importantly!!

**Nick**: It's my right to be hellish
**Todd (VO)**: No! No! You do not have the right to be hellish! A guy getting jealous sometimes, it happens. A guy saying, "I have the the right to be hellish"?

**Todd**: Ladies, [*cuts to a slide of...*] you see this picture of a bunch of Chinese people holding this massive Communist flag? That gigantic flag is nowhere near as big a red flag as a guy saying "I have the right to be hellish"!

**Todd (VO)**: No! You don't have the right to be hellish, you goddamn weirdo! Who the hell says that?! I don't care how much he spends the rest of the song apologizing, that line immediately undoes all of it. It's like the worst possible thing he could have said. It's like a gun safety instructor using the sights of his revolver to pick his teeth.

**Todd:** It should absolutely *never, ever* happen!

**Nick**: It's my right to be hellish
**Todd (VO)**: There had to be something better to go there: "I shouldn't get so overzealous," "I pick fights with other fellas," "You can stand under my umbrellas," "I eat hot dogs with relish," I don't know. Anything!

**Todd:** Man, I was giving this song *way* too much credit. That one line casts a horrible, dark shadow over the entire rest of the song.

**Nick**: You're too sexy, beautiful
And everybody wants a taste
That's why...
**Todd**: See, I'm jealous because you're so sexy. Me being an asshole is a compliment! *[cringes]* D'ugh!

**Nick**: I wish you didn’t have to post it all
I wish you’d save a little bit just for me
**Todd:** Uh, isn't she?

**Todd (VO)**: Saving a little bit for you, I mean? Specifically, the part where she goes home with you and exchanges fluids with you? You know, as in "not cheating on you"?

**Todd**: Look, either she's given you a reason to distrust her, or she hasn't.

**Todd (VO)**: Is she flirting with other guys, is she crossing the line, you know, deliberately making you feel uncomfortable? If so, dump her. If not, get over it!

**Todd**: And considering you're going on and on about how it's not her fault, it sounds like she hadn't done a goddamn thing, so shut up! Shut the hell up! Or, I mean, put yourself in her shoes. If she was doing this to you, would *you* enjoy it?

**Nick**: 'Cause you know I get excited, yeah
When you get jealous too
**Todd**: *[beat]* What the hell is this song about?!

**Todd (VO)**: So, if I am to understand this song correctly, Nick Jonas's jealousy is: 1) something he's very sorry about; 2) totally justified; and 3) actually pretty hot.

**Todd**: Look, there is only one message Nick Jonas intended with this song, and it has nothing to do with jealousy. The message is: "I like touching ladies because I am a grown-up who has sexual relations with females."

**Todd (VO)**: I don't think any one of this song's fans actually cares about what he's singing about, and that's the only reason I can think of why more people aren't hammering this poor kid into the dust, because, holy damn, when you really start listening to this song, it's creepy as hell! *Hellishly* creepy, you could say.

**Todd:** And look, you remember Robin Thicke and [*brief clip from...]* "*Blurred Lines"*?A lot of people said that song was, quote, "rapey." I said that. But it's not like he came out and sang, "I will rape you."

Meanwhile, Nick Jonas, in his own words, believes in his-his right to be possessive.

**Nick:** Protective or possessive
**Todd (VO)**: If we made Robin Thicke own rape, why doesn't Nick Jonas have to own abuse?

**Todd**: How is Nick Jonas getting away with this?

*Clip of Chris Brown - "Loyal"*
**Chris Brown:** These hoes ain't loyal, yeah yeah.
**Todd**: Oh...right. It's just like the Adam Levine thing. It's hard to care when there's someone doing the same thing but a billion times worse. God damn it.

*Gets up and leaves*

**Nick**: I still get jealous.
*Closing Tag Song: Elvis Presley - "Suspicious Minds"*

***THE END***
"***Jealous" is owned by Island Records***

***This video is owned by me***