Vampire Hunters Club: In Blood-O-Vision

*Enter: Countess Bloodsugar!* (And Space Herpes.)

Mr. Lobo makes a pitch for Blood-O-Vision glasses, which he says are available at http://www.osi74.com, which "will either enhance the effect of blood onscreen, or cancel it out entirely." He begins to introduce *Dracula* (1931) but doesn't even wait for a blue card -- he already knows they can't show it. But a blue card is handed to him anyway, instructing him to introduce **the broadcast premiere** of *Vampire Hunters Club*.

**Wrap 2**

Mr. Lobo is enjoying a bowl of Count Chocula when Eddie Spuhghetti, of OSI 74's *Here Lies*, calls to complain about "the vampire situation." Mr. Lobo doesn't know what Eddie's talking about, but Mr. Lobo does reveal that his family has a blood oath against vampires. A mysterious Eddie mysteriously advises Mr. Lobo to expect a mysterious package, mysteriously...

**Wrap 3**

"Tonight's feature was made on a shoestring, which is a lot harder to load into a Canon XL-1 than a mini-DV tape." Mr. Lobo has found such a tape at the bottom of his box of cereal, but before he gets to that, he instructs us in the recitation of the Insomniac's Oath. In between reciting the oath and getting to the tape he asks Ro-Mana her advice on vampires, because she's foreign. Ro-Mana explains that she doesn't know about vampires and anyway she's mad at Mr. Lobo for revealing that she has space herpes.

**Wrap 4**

Miss Mittens is not a fan of the movie, and Mr. Lobo doesn't want to hear it, so he's going to go check his P.O. box for clues about this vampire subplot!

**Wrap 5**

Mr. Lobo's back, and he's got a bulging package! He takes this opportunity to remind viewers of *Cinema Insomnia*'s mailing address:

> Mr. Lobo
> c/o OSI 74
> Box 74
> Atglen, PA
> 19310
>
>
>

The package, it turns out, is a chain letter in the form of a vampire-hunting/meal kit! An enclosed letter tells Mr. Lobo that he's likely to die within the next 48 hours, at which point he should cross his name off the list of recipients and send it on to the next one! But enough about that, because it's time for reel 3!

**Wrap 6**

Snack Bar segment! Tonight we learn how to make the "Vampire Hunters Club" sandwich, and accompanying beverage, "V8 Sucker Punch." Delicious!

**Wrap 7**

Mr. Lobo laments that *Vampire Hunters Club* doesn't appear in John Stanley's Creature Features Movie Guide, but seems excited that he and Miss Mittens are starting their own vampire hunters club, on Craig's List. And what's this? A knock at the doorbell! And another! And another! He's gonna have to go answer that. Suspenseful!

**Wrap 8**

And who was at the door? Why, it's Countess Bloodsugar! Mr. Lobo makes awkward small talk, and then they have a V8. My kind of club!

**Wrap 9**

Mr. Lobo lists all the ways you can exploit vampires' obsessive compulsive disorder to kill them, not picking up that the Countess is herself a vampire, even after she gets out a truly classic vampire "bleh!" Mr. Lobo seems happy to have a project, though, and is excited to go and fetch his VPR dummy. But for now, the movie!

**Wrap 10**

Mr. Lobo introduces us, and Countess Bloodsugar, to Resurrecta Annie, his training vampire, using it to instruct us on slaying the undead to the beat of the Bee Gees's Stayin' Alive.

**Wrap 11**

Mr. Lobo stumbles upon a drawing of a vampiress and finally suspects that Countess Bloodsugar is one herself Fortunately, as she explains, she's actually just a pretentious vegetarian, only there to eat Miss Mittens. Phew! THAT'S a re...Wu*HUH???* Then she reveals some earth-shattering revelations unearthed by Mr. Lobo's genealogy test and stakes him to, I don't know, death? She threw to the movie before she finished hammering it into his chest.

**Wrap 12**

Oh, hell. Countess Bloodsugar has apparently taken over *Cinema Insomnia*, even sitting in The Chair. Then she thanks us for watching, and mercilessly ravages Miss Mittens. I assume. She did that vampire thing where she pulled textiles over the scene to obscure our view.

### Ads

* **General Mills**, "Count Chocula" and "Franken Berry" breakfast cereals
* **Texas Instruments**, "Anylight Solar Calculators" (it has Dracula in it.)
* **Hostess** Cup Cakes (featuring Dracula)

### Trailers

* *Vampira* (1974)
* *Love at First Bite* (1979)
* *What We Do in the Shadows* (2014)
* *Andy Warhol's Dracula* (1974)
* *Shadow of the Vampire* (2000)
* *The Lost Boys* (1987)
* *Buffy the Vampire Slayer* (1992)
* *Vamp* (1986)
* *Near Dark* (1987)
* *Sundown* (1989)

### Cast

* Mr. Lobo...Mr. Lobo
* Miss Mittens...Herself
* Countess Bloodsugar...Jessie Seeherman
* Ro-Mana...Dixie Dellamorto
* Eddie Spuhghetti...himself
* Resurrecta Annie...herself

### Quotes

"*Greetings. I bid you welcome, and ignore your buy-it-now price.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Y'know, over there in the little town of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, they've got this famous sandwich -- perhaps you've heard of it, it's called the 'cheesy steak.' And it's a roll, with chopped steak on it, I guess, and you can have it 'wit,' or 'witout,' and Mr. Lobo doesn't know what any of that means.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*There goes the neighborhood. Lock your doors, everybody. Maybe you should park a big truck in front of your house and start dressing like duck hunters. Blare some country music. I understand that usually keeps predatory foreign types at bay.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*I am a fe-male Ro-Man, from the planet Ro-Man, you i-diot.*"
—Ro-Mana
"*I am not a vam-pire, as you put it, you silly hu-man. Be-sides, I'm still mad at you. You told every-one about my space her-pe. We were not supposed to talk about it.*"
—Ro-Mana
"*Now you always want to be careful putting your mouth on a vampire, because, uh...vampires are saucy, and um...may want to try to kiss you back.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*I'm a vegetarian. I just happen to be very, **very** pretentious.*"
—Countess Bloodsugar
"*Where's your faith now, you meat-eating faux Swede? Now you see that it is you that has been the true monster this whole time!*"
—Countess Bloodsugar

### Trivia

* This episode marks the first appearance of Countess Bloodsugar.
* According to Mr. Lobo's Dream Your Genes genealogy report, he's 1/4 Swedish Portuguese, 1/8 werewolf, and 1/66 vampire.
* The list of vampire hunters enclosed with the vampire hunting kit sent to Mr. Lobo:

>
> * Victor Belmont
> * Van Helsing
> * Van Heusen
> * Van Morrison
> * Van Damme
> * Van Johnson
> * Van Halen
> * Van Damage
> * Van Conversion
> * Vincent Van Gogh
> * Vincent Price
> * Peter Vincent
> * Ron Pederson?
> * Mr. Lobo
> * D
>
>
>

## *The Vampire Hunters Club*

### Produced by

Buddy Barnett
Kathe Duba-Barnett
Edward L. Plumb

### Written by

Buddy Barnett
Kathe Duba-Barnett
Edward L. Plumb

### Cast

John Agar
William Smith
Bob Burns
Forrest J. Ackerman
Daniel Roebuck
Conrad Brooks
Carel Struycken

### Runtime

30 minutes

1. ↑ https://www.osi74.com/index.php/video-category-2/here-lies/
2. ↑ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castlevania
3. ↑ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abraham\_Van\_Helsing
4. ↑ Clothing wear brand
5. ↑ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Claude\_Van\_Damme
6. ↑ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fright\_Night
7. ↑ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampire\_Hunter\_D