JUMP SCARES

"*There's a subtle art to making jump scares, and today we're going to explore the shit out-- oh God!*"
―Erik
JUMP SCARES is the 103rd lesson of Internet Comment Etiquette. It was released on November 8, 2019.

## Summary

Erik jump scares his students. Then he jump scares someone in Rainbow Six. Erik overdoes the jump scares so they stop working, and then he gets jump scared by a clown.

Erik disappears from his desk and explains that he could jump out from anywhere, but it turns out he's just on the commenticouch. He tries to watch a video of the best movie jumpscares, but he has to go back to the desk because there's a monster at the commenticouch. Erik watches the video while deciding whether or not he wants to do another jump scare. He finds some jump scares in the comments and leaves his own.

Erik agrees to put a jump scare warning light on screen, but it's already glowing red so he covers his eyes. He doesn't notice a new monster on his couch and runs the Salvio's Sunset Blvd ad while he changes into new pants.

Erik returns and gets jump scared by his students. He sits down and plays the classic huge snake jump scare video. Erik leaves a comment recommending they watch a jump scare video that's just a fart video where a monster tries to eat your toes in real life. Erik watches the video and chases the toe zombie away.

Erik looks at some of the different types of prank videos on YouTube and explains that jump scares can also be pranks. He watches a couple of people honking loudly at random people. They honk at a McDonald's drive thru and the person at the window tosses their drink into their truck and stains the side of it. The comments receive the prank poorly so Erik decides he can take the gloves off. He leaves his comment, but the comments jump scare him when he posts it.

The jump scare warning light dies out, and Erik puts on a video saying that no one under 15 should watch it because it's too scary. Erik watches it, but none of the jump scares are scary. He hopes the comments are better, but it's just a bunch of children talking about their ages. He posts his comment and the clown returns. He shoots it, but then he worries that it might be his roommate. His roommate is safe on the commenticouch, but then clowns attack both of them.

## Comments

*My favorite jump scare is from Lord of the Rings when Bilbo is like BLAHHH and scares Frodo so hard that they both start making out then blowing each other 69-style, then Gandalf busts in mad because they didn't invite him to the spit roast, so then they start pounding Gandalf in all of his wizard holes and even some new holes that he creates with magical spells -- and it's right around that point that I realize I'm watching the porn version of the movie and the real jump scare is when my mom walks into the room just as Gandalf drowns Bilbo in a river of wizard nut and I'm scrambling to put on some clothes while screaming “I THOUGHT IT WAS THE DIRECTOR'S CUT! I DIDN'T KNOW MOM!" But she sends me to a gay conversion camp anyway where I end up having so much gay sex that I somehow get pregnant. Anyway I sold that baby to scientists and used the money to buy the other two movies in the porn trilogy so I can keep poppin nuts that jump scare my cat*
- Erik

*stupid dont watch*
- Victoria Fiore

*no u*
- Erik

*I beat my dick so hard to this it started to look like it had a run in with a Hong Kong police officer. Whoops I hope that joke doesn't get my ass Epsteined when I open my closet door one night and Winnie the Pooh jump scares a garrote around my neck. And by Winnie the Pooh I mean one of the Chinese president's organ-transplant clones that happen to also look just like him.**Anyway if you guys want a way better jump scare video than this you should check out one called "Fart master shake a leg special!!!" It's this dude shaking his leg and farting at the same time and then a horrible creature appears behind me in real life and tries to eat my toes! But that's not even the scary part. The real jump scare comes two weeks later when I'm taking a shit and I realize I'll never get a Chinese sponsor for this show because I can't stop making jokes about their president banning Winnie the Pooh.**I mean seriously though, what kind of person do you have to be to take offense when compared to a beloved children's cartoon character? Plus it's Disney, which I'm pretty sure is owned by China, so at the end of the day all they did was miss out on a lucrative merchandising opportunity. Winnie the Pooh could have become a hero over there, and president what's-his-name would have looked like a kind, caring, honey-loving cute little bear man. But no, as always the ego wins in the end when corrupted by power. Just look at Kanye's new album, which made me hate Jesus.**Anyway, it sounds like I need to make my own Winnie the Pooh Chinese knock-off character, get some dude from Fiverr to do all the animation, then sell that show to China because in my version he won't look anything like some guy who can ban a cartoon character from the most populated country on Earth tiananmen square.*
- Erik

*The only thing "gone wrong" about this video is that there were at some point about 2.4 Billion sperm stupid enough to let the two of you two make it into your respective mothers' unholy birth cages. If any one of those less worthy spermatozoa beat you to it we'd probably end up getting our planet nuked by aliens or something because our median IQ dropped to below what they deem safe for advanced civilizations. Hey I got an idea: I'll let you morons prank me for a whole month straight if you let me run an MRI scan on your brains to see what the fuck is going on up there. You're called Dynamic Duo TV, which is funny because both your parents wish they could have a dynamic do-over when it comes to raising you into not being pieces of shit.**This video's already three years old, and I like to think of you both as more mature right now wherever you are. But in reality, three years can't heal the fact that you look like you get jump scared by books with more than thirty pages in them. It's like somebody rubbed a magical vape pen and you're the shitty genies that popped out. In which case I know what my wish would be: To make it so nobody can have kids again, on the off chance that there's more rocket scientists like you waiting for us in the future. Anyway bounced on my boy's dick to this big time and subbed.*
- Erik

*I'm 10 years old and I remember the worst accident I ever seen. It was a night just like this, in the comment section of a jump scare video for people older than fifteen. There was this sound... like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building! And when they finally pulled the body from the twisted, burning reply box... it looked like THIS.**Okay kids remember when you get to high school if your teacher sends you nude photos you can extort them for a LOT of money. Your best chances are with band teachers and gym teachers, also English teachers but only if they're married. That right there is a Big Money Tip so go get those stacks. And when you do, tell em Large Marge Salvia sent ya! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA!**But seriously you kids are gonna need all the money you can get if you want to afford the cost of living inside a protective dome after the ocean levels rise, wiping out cities and sending category 69 hurricanes all over the world lol you guys are so fucked but it's still gonna jump scare your grandparents somehow! BOO!*
- Erik

## Video

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