Fake TPOT 30b: Return of the Rock Ship

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
"**Return of the Showrunner**" is the second part of the non-canon thirtieth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 18 July 1983. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. For a while, this episode was known as "**Return of the Showrunner**".

Description if this were on YouTube:

No, not “Return of the Rocket Ship”. This ship is something that has seemingly appeared out of nowhere, and with a gift, too... which no one wants. Also, have your lightsabers and tissue boxes ready: There's at least one fight scene that will tug at your heartstrings or make you LOL in disbelief. (Though we're still not sure which scene should elicit which reaction.) Don't believe us? Well, anything can happen in an act finale of THE POWER OF TWO!

Many thanks to the insanely talented DEBBIE REYNOLDS for her guest appearance... Stay tuned till the end, 'cos that's when you'll see her before she's off to do her totally witchin' aerobics video.

Previous episode: "A Time to Let Go"

Next episode: "The Call of Wagtayatli"

## Cold open

[*A recap of the last scene. The same dialogue from the previous episode can be heard, starting from when Two and Five giggle.*]

* **B****o****k**: What's so funny?
* **Five**: I must be the world's worst fortune teller or something.

[*All of a sudden, a meteor hits the earth right next to where Two and Five are standing. The impact causes* **Snowball** *to uncharacteristically run upstairs out of fear and many people to scream various vowel sounds... Mostly—the contestants emit their usual "ahs" and "eehs", while the hosts are a little more unpredictable.*]

* **Five**: Veehoveehoveehoveehoveeho.
* **Two**: Narg-narg-narg-narg-narg-narg-narg!
* **Five**: Comma Nylene! Comma Nylene!
* **Two**: *ToOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*The intro plays. It may be the last time in the series that it will be triggered by someone saying Two's name.*]

## The visitor

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Everyone stands, shocked at this new arrival. Strangely enough, Five and Two are the most surprised of them all—they are very much frozen in fear.
* **Co****i****ny**: Two, are you going to get that?
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, Two, you're not from around here either, so maybe you could...

[*No response from either Two or Five.*]

* **P****i****n**: Hmm. They seem unresponsive.
* **S****aw**: Oh no, what shall we do?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Don't worry, I'll get 'em to talk. [*They speak very slowly to the asteroid.*] *Heeeee-llooooo! Weeee coooome iiiinnn peeeeaaaace!*
* **Puffball**: With a method of love.

[*Smoke begins to emit from the asteroid.*]

* **N****a****ily**: Is it supposed to be doing that?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I don't know.
* **N****a****ily**: Taggy, I thought you took a class on space rocks at uni.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Years ago! All I remember is that my professor was a black hole.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What a wonderful guy, I bet.
* **Golf Ball**: Well, we have to explore this. We don't want the same reservations we had about Two to apply to this interplanetary craft, or the inhabitants thereof.

[**Golf Ball***, not wanting to keep anyone waiting any longer, walks up to the asteroid.* **Tennis Ball** *follows her.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Guys, I don't think you should be doing that!
* **Golf Ball**: If we don't know exactly what it is, there's a possibility that we are in danger and don't know it.
* **Baske****t****ball**: But it's an asteroid.
* **Golf Ball**: Exactly, Basketball! If it's an asteroid, then we know that it has hit the earth and will not cause any more problems. We should be safe.
* **B****o****k**: That's a positive way of thinking!
* **Golf Ball**: I was always positive.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Hey, Golf Ball, look!
* **Golf Ball**: What is it, TB?

[*Tennis Ball* *points* *to a hatch, which has sort of been "engraved" on the asteroid.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Do asteroids have these kinds of entrances?
* **Golf Ball**: Not the ones with which I'm familiar.
* **Ex****ix**: Hey, I'm curious! Let me see!
* **N****a****ily**: Ooh, me too.

[*One by one, the other contestants walk over to the asteroid and look at the door on the top.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: You coming, Pin?
* **P****i****n**: I don't know. Asteroids with those kinds of doors are a recipe for trouble.
* **Co****i****ny**: Like bad pho.
* **P****i****n**: You get it. But... I confess that I would like to know what caused our hosts to freeze up like that.
* **Co****i****ny**: Then let's gooooo!

[*By now, everyone is standing on top of the asteroid as Two and Five are still frozen near the middle of the field. It looks like a Norman Rockwell painting, but with objects instead of people.*]

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene**The whole scene plays out from the ground as **Tree** looks down, a bit worried. **Pen** is heard but not seen for most of this bit.
* **T****r****e****e**: Looks pretty bleak. They've formed a sudden cult around a meteor.
* **P****en**: How do you know?
* **T****r****e****e**: Well, they're all crowding around the one thing that happened to land on earth.
* **P****en**: Gosh, are those fruit aliens back again?
* **T****r****e****e**: I don't think those would come back after seeing our species. No, this is someone new.
* **P****en**: Cool! What do they look like?
* **T****r****e****e**: Not sure. Black Hole's trying to open the door.
* **P****en**: But he can't.

[*Beat.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: I know that. [*turning around*] I know that very well and Pen, what the hell are you doing?!

[*We see what Pen is doing: He is in the process of placing a rose between his teeth in front of the wall mirror.*]

* **P****en**: This hurts awfully.
* **T****r****e****e**: Then why do it?
* **P****en**: It's what they do in the pictures! Don't I look...

[*Pen jumps onto the bed and leans against the edge (as if to recline teasingly), but he falls off. He makes a small noise of pain.*]

* **P****en**: [*from the floor*] Rrrrravishing?
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, you know I can't resist you when you act so goofily. Come 'ere, Schreiber. [*beckons him over*]
* **P****en**: Eyy!

[*He gets up and jumps into Tree's arms.*]

* **P****en**: My man!
* **T****r****e****e**: Mmm... [*kisses him*] If they're doing a challenge right now... they needn't wait for us.
* **P****en**: No, sir.

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**The contestants continue to analyse the asteroid that has just crash landed onto Earth. **Aresko**, ever the quiet one, tries to unfreeze Two and Five by blowing on them.
* **Winner**: I wonder why none of us have tried to open the hatch.
* **N****a****ily**: Yeah, it seems like an obvious plan!
* **Donut**: It's because it sounds like a bad idea to do that.
* **Golf Ball**: When you say it's "a bad idea to do that", we interpret that as...
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: We did that.

[*Tennis Ball has opened the hatch door.*]

* **Winner**: I stand corrected.
* **Golf Ball**: Good job, Tennis Ball! I suspect our scientific observations can begin any minute now.
* **Ex****ix**: This is so exciting! If we can go in, can I be the first one to see it?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I'd advise against it.
* **Golf Ball**: We're not that adventurous, Exix.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Come on, you two, why aren't you, ah, staying alive?

[**Puffball** *floats over.*]

* **Puffball**: Did you just make a reference?
* **Ar****esko**: I don't know. Just help me blow.
* **Puffball**: What?
* **Ar****esko**: I think our hosts have been frozen by some kind of algebralien ice.
* **Puffball**: And you think blowing on them would help thaw them out.
* **Ar****esko**: It's worth a shot!

[*Beat.*]

* **Puffball**: You're right. We need to know the challenge so The Alefs can win.
* **Ar****esko**: And we want our hosts back!
* **Puffball**: Right.

[*Puffball and Aresko blow on Two and Five. Surprisingly, they react by being able to move.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Reactions!

[*Saw and some of the others begin to notice.*]

* **S****aw**: Hey, you got them to talk?
* **Puffball**: Not yet.
* **Two**: Na-hortle-hortle-squirtle-squirtle-***NYAAAA!***
* **S****aw**: Oh, hi, Two!
* **Five**: And Five!
* **S****aw**: And Five.

[*Two and Five are now completely unfrozen.*]

* **Ar****esko**: What's with the... sudden freezing up?
* **Puffball**: You looked as solid as evidence for global warming.
* **Two**: If you must know why we behaved the way we did, it's because we were afraid.
* **Ar****esko**: Is it typical of algebraliens to freeze up when afraid?
* **Two**: No, not at all.
* **Five**: It is actually quite unusual.
* **Two**: We only freeze when confronted with the worst foe of our species.
* **Puffball**: Who, objects?
* **Two**: Nice guess, but no!
* **Five**: Our biggest enemies are letters!
* **Ar****esko**, **Puffball**, **S****aw**: What?
* **S****aw**: So *A*, *B*, *C*... and *X*?
* **Ar****esko**: But over ten years ago, X was your co-host for a few months. I even remember you two being close friends.
* **Two**: That is right, but those are not the letters we hate the most, those aren't our most hated letters indeed!
* **S****aw**: What do you mean?
* **Five**: *Those* are our true enemies.

[*Five points at the asteroid.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Come out, come out, wherever you are!

[*Enter* **Winner** *and* **Remote**.]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What's going on?
* **S****aw**: Five's just telling us what they're most afraid of.
* **Winner**: Oh, that's really neat. I mean, not for you, obviously, but... I never knew algebraliens were able to feel fear.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Tell us more.
* **Five**: Just let the rock ship do the talking.

[*View of Five looking at the asteroid as the more inquisitive contestants continue to look into it.*]

* **Five**: In a few seconds, something should be popping up.
* **S****aw**: How can you be so sure?
* **Five**: I guess I'm just good at the guessing game today.
* **Two**: Yes. Yes, he is.

[*A few seconds of silence, and suddenly a grey alien comes out of the asteroid's compartment. He resembles an algebralien aesthetically (*i.e. *He's got* *the same kind of eyes, mouth and limbs), but the symbol he is supposed to represent is rather vague. Most viewers, or rather all viewers, will not know what he is either, for he is a made-up alphabetic symbol called* **Ilta**.]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: *Heeeee-llooooo! Weeee co—*
* **N****a****ily**: I think whoever that is gets it, Taggy.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Okay.
* **P****i****n**: Oh, unknown being, who are you?
* **Co****i****ny**: Can you say? [*Aside.*] I don't think it can say.

[*Ilta opens his mouth to speak.*]

* **Ilt****a**: [*in a Midwestern American accent*] My name is... Ilta.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Hey, he's one of us!
* **Golf Ball**: An American from outer space! But Ilta, what is your name short for?
* **Ilt****a**: Let me explain to you, and you will know!

[*As Ilta begins to speak,* **Two** *and* **Five** *run into the hotel building. Such is typical for the former, as we have seen before. Silence on the field as everyone waits for this strange letter's announcement. Golf Ball breaks the silence.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Well?
* **Ex****ix**: Aren't you going to tell us who you are?
* **Ilt****a**: Oh yeah, I'm inciting filler.

[*Ilta snaps his fingers and what sounds like a theatrical show-stopping ballad begins to play. The lights dim and a spotlight shines out of nowhere. (But it changes to something more upbeat in the middle.)*]

**Song**

**Vocalist(s)**: Ilta

**Ilt****a**: ♫ If you want to know something insane,

It's the fact you don't know...

My name.

Yes, I know that doesn't rhyme,

But I think that it is time

That you know...

My name.

It could be one of many things,

Like Bland or On The Wings, (**Chorus**: Of love!)

Or *CHiPs* or even Something Else.

The most important thing there is

Is, should you go into biz,

That you hope your name will ring some bells!

Some bells!

So-o-o-o-o-ome! ***BEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLS!*** ♫

[*Fireworks can be seen and bells can be heard ringing like there's no tomorrow as Ilta ends his dramatic song on an instrumental note—the other contestants can't be bothered to sing along in a chorus reprise, despite being very well mesmerized by this.* **Aresko** *applauds as the lights go on again.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Woohoo! *Bravo, canzone!*
* **Donut**: Yeah, I'm no music critic, but you've got some serious pipes!
* **Puffball**: I'll always remember the day our set was invaded by a guy singing about his name.
* **Ilt****a**: Thank you. Thank you very much.
* **Golf Ball**: We still have one question, though.
* **Ilt****a**: Huh-yeah, what's that?
* **Golf Ball**: What's your name?
* **Ilt****a**: My name...

[*The beginning of the previous song begins to play and the lights begin to dim again.*]

* **Golf Ball**: No-no-no-no-no!

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **Golf Ball**: What?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I think GB's saying she doesn't want to hear you sing again.
* **Golf Ball**: Mm-hmm!
* **Ilt****a**: Oh, lighten up, that was just a musical segue. My name is...

[*The name "Ilta Y. Atgaw" appears on the screen.*]

* **Ilt****a**: [*echoey voice*] ***Ilta Yolanda Atgaw!** Atgaw! Atgaw!*
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*confused*] Yolanda?
* **Ilt****a**: It's a name!
* **Baske****t****ball**: I'm not judging you on that; I'm just wondering why you're here.
* **Ilt****a**: Must I have a reason?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Well, no, it's just...
* **Ex****ix**: We've had quite a few weird set invaders today. It's not as nice as it sounds. [*Basketball nods.*]
* **Ilt****a**: But I *have* come for a reason, really.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: What is it, then?
* **Ilt****a**: [*Aside.*] Hmm... How should I put it gently and in such a way that no one can call me out on it? Oh! [*Aloud.*] ***Who wants to join my show?***

[*Everyone gasps. Saw does a spit take with Puffball floating directly in front of her.*]

* **Puffball**: Girl, right in my face?
* **S****aw**: This juice is no good! Why did Two buy the off-brand AJ?

[*She notices everyone looking at her.*]

* **S****aw**: Um... What's going on?
* **B****o****k**: Saw, didn't you hear? Yolanda wants us to be contestants on his show!

[*Puffball quickly flies out of the way as Saw does another spit take a few milliseconds later.*]

* **Ilt****a**: Yeah, that!

## Pre-contest

[*As if on cue,* **Two** *and* **Five** *storm out of the hotel lobby as a loud, brassy sting plays. They shout in unison.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: ***Yo-landa, you didn't!***

[*Ilta turns around dramatically.*]

* **Ilt****a**: Hey, you're numbers!
* **Five**: No, we're species of rare mammal. /s
* **Two**: What the Gogma are you doing here, singing and dancing like a balloon? This is our property, fool! Go back to your home planet!

[*The contestants back up slowly as they watch this exchange.*]

* **Ilt****a**: I was just trying to get your subordinates to do as they're told, and I'll have you know that I've been on this planet for several months now, so you can't tell me to go back to my world. Ha!
* **Five**: Oh yeah? Prove it!
* **Ilt****a**: I watched *Table for Twenty-Five* when it came out in theatres.
* **Two**: Oh. Did you like it?
* **Ilt****a**: Eh, it was okay.
* **Five**: Two and I walked out.
* **Ilt****a**: You walked out on Richard Thenar?
* **Five**: We did.
* **Two**: There just weren't enough numbers in the cast.
* **Ilt****a**: ***Yes, there were!***
* **Two**: ***Zero is not enough!***

[*In the background.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Nobody talks like this in real life.
* **Baske****t****ball**: If we're supposed to tune this out, I would love that.
* **B****o****k**: I can't believe that we might not have our last challenge all because of this.

[*Back to scene.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Ilt****a** **]**: Did someone say *challenge*?

[*Two, Five and Ilta slowly turn their head towards Bok, who waves.*]

* **B****o****k**: Hello.
* **Two**: Well, Bok, I can tell you're itching to know this episode's challenge.
* **B****o****k**: Itching? Not really.
* **Two**: You're going to find out anyway, because *we* are your hosts and not this so-weird-I've-got-no-idea-what-you-are entity that stands before us!

[*Ilta looks steamed.*]

* **Two**: Gather round, contestants, for I shall now tell you the next contest!
* **Five**: Yes, gather round!
* **Ilt****a**: [*rolling his eyes*] This ought to be good.

[*The contestants huddle around Two and, to a lesser extent, Five. Everyone speaks quietly so as not to be heard by Ilta.*]

* **Two**: Is this all of you?
* **Ex****ix**: No, but let's pretend it is.
* **Two**: I was about to say. With sixteen people, we're a few short.
* **Co****i****ny**: I'm not short!
* **Golf Ball**: Two, please just tell us the contest.
* **Two**: Okay. I want you all to avoid that unknown letter's pleas to get you to join his new series.
* **Ar****esko**: But he sounds so convincing; you've heard him sing.
* **Puffball**: Why he's not on Broadway is a question in itself.
* **Five**: Sure, he may be an adequate alien songster, but he's clearly here to get you all to join his own competition and break away from Two and me.
* **Two**: And we can't let that happen. It would be simply terrible if this series were to break up into two.

[*Beat as everyone looks at them.*]

* **Two**: I now realize that what I'm telling you not to do is the opposite of what led most of you to participate in *this* series. [*smiling*] Why do I feel like chiz now?
* **Donut**: Don't feel bad, Two.
* **N****a****ily**: Apparently, we're on your side.
* **B****o****k**: So to clarify, the challenge is just for us... to stay with you?
* **Two**: That's right! The team with the most people that stay with us by the end of the day (and therefore the act) wins.
* **Five**: If any of you even consider joining the dark side... [*points at Ilta*] Your team will most certainly lose the contest and you'll feel bad. Got that?

[*Everyone nods nervously.*]

* **Two**: Good. Go!

[*The huddle disbands and everyone walks off in different directions, careful to avoid Ilta and his charisma.*]

## Contest

### **Field**

**Scene**U, now with six members (**Basketball**, **Bok**, **Golf Ball**, **Naily**, **Price Tag** and **Tennis Ball**), talk about what strategy they should use for the contest.
* **Golf Ball**: Team U! I know how we can be successful in today's challenge!
* **N****a****ily**: But isn't the challenge to do nothing?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, GB, you heard the number!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: While that is true, there's still a chance that that Ilta fellow will start aggressively recruiting us to join his show.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Tennis Ball's right. We have to try as hard as we can! One of us could be eliminated again.
* **Golf Ball**: I suppose that's an issue in some... modes of viewing. Especially in yours, Basketball; you shouldn't be here right now!
* **Baske****t****ball**: What?
* **Golf Ball**: Of course, that's just a technicality, since you were eliminated last episode.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Right.
* **N****a****ily**: And yet we're still here.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Nyeh-heh-heh.
* **B****o****k**: Bet Clock would wag his toe at that.

[*Everyone pauses for a second.*]

* **U**: Yeaaaaaah...
* **Golf Ball**: Fortunately, it should not be a problem for us to evade Ilta's grasp. I say this not out of arrogance, but as support for my fellow teammates.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh. That's good to hear, right?
* **Baske****t****ball**: So, um... what do you suggest?
* **Golf Ball**: Everyone, please follow me, but only if you want to! We can imitate Two's movements, knowing that our host is staunchly Iltaphobic!
* **Rest of U**: Okay.

[**U** *rush to form a queue behind* **Two**. *Whenever they move, so do the team members. This is something Two doesn't notice, but Five does.*]

* **Five**: Nice tail you're wearing, Two.
* **Two**: Thanks! I've been dabbling in this new-found tail-bearing fandom.
* **Five**: I did not know that.

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene****Pen** and **Tree** sit on the bed together. They look pleased (for now).
* **P****en**: [*adjusting his cap*] Wowie.
* **T****r****e****e**: Zhh! It's my turn to be the first to speak, remember?

[*Pen nods and gestures for him to say something.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: [*looks down and tries not to laugh*] Thank you for your service.
* **P****en**: You betcha, Tree!

[*He gives him a friendly slap on the back. Then he gets up and opens the drawer next to the bed.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: What are you doing?
* **P****en**: Choosing our bow ties to wear on the plane tomorrow. What'll it be, champ: blue or red?
* **T****r****e****e**: Red. If anyone tries to bother us, I'll just say I'm a Christmas tree. The fact that it's March should put them off further.
* **P****en**: Got it. [*finger guns him*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Besides, you don't look so bad in blue. Really fits your everything.
* **P****en**: Let's see if you're right.

[*Pen puts on his tie and tugs at it while raising an eyebrow.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Were you right?
* **P****en**: Even better: I look like Mr. Right.
* **T****r****e****e**: You sure do—hey, now that I've got your attention, I have to ask you something. A series of questions, if you will.
* **P****en**: Fire away! As long as it's not math; oh, I just hate to be pop-quizzed. [*sits down next to him*]
* **T****r****e****e**: No, it's nothing of the sort. [*breathes in nervously*]
* **P****en**: You alright there?
* **T****r****e****e**: I'm... just worried. Don't need to be, but I am.
* **P****en**: Oh, Tree, you can ask me anything. I'm an open book!
* **T****r****e****e**: Do you like me, Pen?

[*Silence.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Do you... like me?
* **P****en**: What kind of question is that? Of course I like you. [*nudges his shoulder*]

[*Tree ticks a box on a list on his clipboard.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Okay, next question... Do you *love* me?
* **P****en**: Yes, I can certainly say I do. Outside the squad, you're the best friend a fella can have!

[*Tree ticks another box.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Aaaaaaand... last question.
* **P****en**: Yes?
* **T****r****e****e**: I... er... [*looks up at Pen*] I forgot what it was.
* **P****en**: Ah, take your time. I don't mind relaxin' with ya.

#### The Alefs

[*The six remaining Alefs—***Aresko**, **Coiny**, **Exix**, **Pin**, **Puffball** *and* **Saw**—*are just sitting and talking with one another, as now-close friends do.*]

* **Ex****ix**: So our challenge is to do nothing?
* **P****i****n**: Nothing that has us turning to the other side, so that means not talking to that Ilta guy about his show.
* **Co****i****ny**: Better yet, not talking to that Ilta guy at all.
* **S****aw**: We don't want anyone to split up!
* **Ar****esko**: As all of you did out of BFB. [*points in 360 degrees*]
* **Ex****ix**: Hey, cut me some slack! I wasn't in the show when the split happened; I was elimi—in exile!
* **Ar****esko**: No worries, Exix, I wasn't talking about you.
* **Ex****ix**: Good. We are late arrivals by fortune.
* **Puffball**: Well, I think we should still do nothing.

[*Exix looks at Ilta, who is in the middle of the field.*]

* **Ex****ix**: I still want to know what happens if you get too close to Ilta. Will we die?
* **Ar****esko**: Doubtful.
* **Ex****ix**: I'll find out.
* **Rest of The Alefs**: [*as Exix walks over*] Exix, no!
* **Ex****ix**: Aw, alright. I guess I can make do with guessing. Oh, if Pillow stayed around a little longer, maybe I could get some ideas from her.
* **P****i****n**: You know Pillow?
* **Ex****ix**: Know her? She's my... aunt's sister's daughter.

[*As the others talk, Puffball looks at where Fries's memorial stone used to be: Two and Five had used it in a (fortunately untelevised) scene when their verbal rock fight became physical. She sighs and begins to fly over to the hotel lobby.*]

* **P****i****n**: PB, where are you going?
* **Puffball**: Where do you normally go when you're thinking of someone you've lost?

[*The Alefs look at one another, familiar with this situation.*]

* **P****i****n**: Right behind you.
* **Co****i****ny**: Wait up!
* **S****aw**: Ironically, I'm getting water!

[*Exeunt omnes.*]

### **Hotel restaurant**

**Scene**Fade to this scene, in which The Alefs are sitting around with their food and drinks.
* **Puffball**: Thanks for joining me, you guys.
* **Co****i****ny**: Don't mention it!
* **P****i****n**: We're here to be your friends in need.
* **Ar****esko**: That sentence is ambiguous!

[*Coiny looks at the upper wall, where there is a switched-off television. Keeping with the time period, it looks vintage.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Hey!
* **P****i****n**: What is it?
* **Co****i****ny**: I never knew Two put a TV in here!
* **Puffball**: It must be for the hosts' liking.
* **Ex****ix**: Let's turn it on.
* **Ar****esko**: Yeah, let's watch some algebralien shows!
* **Co****i****ny**: Okay!

[*Coiny walks over to the wall and tries to turn the television—there are no remotes in the vicinity. He can't.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Chiz, I can't reach!
* **P****i****n**: You don't have extendable limbs?
* **Co****i****ny**: No, I wasted that power 'cause I slapped Firey too much.
* **P****i****n**: I fathered two kids with this guy and I never knew that, huh.
* **Co****i****ny**: Ugh... um, Aresko, you're vertically privileged. Mind lending a helping hand?
* **Ar****esko**: I'll lend a big one!
* **Co****i****ny**: Don't rub it in, man.

[*Aresko hits the power button with the part of his body that contains his face.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Ow.
* **Ex****ix**: You could have just turned it on with your finger.
* **Ar****esko**: But that wouldn't be fun, would it?
* **Puffball**: Oh, hey, look at the screen!
* **P****i****n**: Ooooh, security footage.
* **Ar****esko**: I feel like we shouldn't be looking at this.
* **Puffball**: I can see why Two would find this entertaining.

[*We see what is playing on the screen...*]

#### Vitas

[*Which is revealed to be the four present members of Vitas—***Black Hole**, **Donut**, **Remote** *and* **Winner***—trying to think of ways to evade* **Ilta**, *who idles in the background.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So.
* **Donut**: [*sing-song voice*] *Sooooo...*
* **Winner**: It looks like we're the smallest team. Are there really four of us here?
* **Donut**: There shouldn't be. Where are the others?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, our two friends are in their hotel room.
* **Donut**: Eish.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Also, Snowball's gone.

[*Beat.*]

* **Donut**: Oh well. With a few members away, I can only assume they're doing their part to keep the Ilta out of their systems, if you know what I mean.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I think we know it, right, Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: They're too busy putting other things into their systems.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote, hush.
* **Winner**: So what's our strategy?
* **Donut**: I was thinking, we should play it offensive.
* **Winner**: Oh, that's good.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Do as you like, but it's against my religion, to insult others with curse words.
* **Donut**: No... [*realizing*] *No!* I mean, instead of taking Ilta for ourselves, who, by the way, is the sentient being closest to us at the moment and is getting closer and closer as we speak, we go and redirect him to another team.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wouldn't that be bad for the other team?
* **Donut**: We want to win, right?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: A hundred percent.
* **Donut**: Then why not? It's the end of an act and I'm... kind of broke.

[*Pause.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Want to be part of a company that specializes in promoting death prevention?
* **Donut**: Er...

[*Enter* **Ilta**, *who strolls along casually.*]

* **Ilt****a**: [*imitating Two in BFB 16*] Hi, guys!

[*Everyone (except Donut) screams.*]

* **Winner**: Good gravy, Fi-rey, you scared me.
* **Ilt****a**: That's a sign of a good host. Say, do you four—I'm talking to Donuld Adura, Remote Monteiro, Winner Semyonoff and Black Hole—want to join my show?
* **Donut**: *No.*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Our well-risen friend is saying, that at the moment, we respectfully cannot be a part of a series that isn't the one, of which we are already a part.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's called *The Power of Two*.
* **Winner**: Hold on, how do you know our names?
* **Donut**: [*Aside.*] It's a set-up, Winner! [*Aloud.*] Um... Ilta Yolanda... person-sir... we may not want to participate in your show. [*turning around to see his teammates nodding*] But I know that there are people in *there*... [*points to the hotel lobby*] who are easily tempted by things like that, so maybe—
* **Ilt****a**: I'll see into it! Thanks, Donuld Adura, Remote Monteiro, Winner Semyonoff and Black Ho—
* **Donut**: Yeah, yeah, yeah, just go, please.

[*Exit* **Ilta**, *running into the hotel eccentrically.*]

* **Donut**: Was that too impolite?
* **Winner**: No, you were just fine.
* **Donut**: 'Kay.

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene****Pen** and **Tree** are still on the bed; the former is lying down and the latter is still thinking.
* **T****r****e****e**: Uhhh...
* **P****en**: Tree, it's fine if you don't know what to say. Just do what other people do and lie.
* **T****r****e****e**: Lie? That's it!
* **P****en**: What's it?
* **T****r****e****e**: [*looks at the old Death P.A.C.T. team photo on his nightstand*] You know Exix, the new girl in The Alefs.
* **P****en**: Of course. What about her?
* **T****r****e****e**: You know her name's not really *Exix*, right? It's *Liy*.
* **P****en**: Liy... Like Liy, from BFB! [*Tree nods.*] Wow, to think there are two people on the same show with the same name *and* face! That must be a bit confusing for them, eh?

[*Tree facepalms.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Pen, Exix and Liy are one and the same. She's only taken the name *Exix* so the hosts don't know her real name.
* **P****en**: Ohhh. So how long did you know?
* **T****r****e****e**: [*breathes in*] Since the day she joined.
* **P****en**: And you didn't think to tell me?
* **T****r****e****e**: She didn't trust you to know at first. In fact, she still doesn't trust you... after what you did to her.
* **P****en**: What'd I do?
* **T****r****e****e**: It doesn't matter. Your days of deceiving people into relationships are over, and that's all that's important to me. Your boyfriend.
* **P****en**: Yeah... Wait, huh?
* **T****r****e****e**: That's what I am to you. Your boyfriend, right?
* **P****en**: I mean, you are a *boy* and you are my *frie*—
* **T****r****e****e**: [*agitated*] Not *that* kind, you drongo. What I'm trying to ask you is... [*looks down at his clipboard*] Do you promise to direct all your love towards me, the one to whom you're committed, and never spread the same passion you have for me to anyone else?

[*Pen is shocked by this question.*]

* **P****en**: I... I don't think I can answer that.
* **T****r****e****e**: It's not that hard. I need to know this. Right now.
* **P****en**: I'm sorry, but... [*gets up and sits on the other side*] I can't.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*disappointed*] Oh. I understand; you don't want to get involved with co-workers. I should have just asked you during the break.
* **P****en**: No, Tree, it's not just that.
* **T****r****e****e**: What? What else is there?
* **P****en**: I can't do this whole committed thing with you. Look, I know you have this fantasy of you and me growing old and being dads together, but... I'm just not sure I can do that.
* **T****r****e****e**: But you have to!
* **P****en**: I don't have to do anything! As long as I have... y'know... her on my mind.
* **T****r****e****e**: There's someone else.

[*Pen nods lightly.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Dear me, please don't tell me you're still not over that catty iance witch.
* **P****en**: [*getting angry*] Eyy! Don't talk about her like that! And she's not a witch; she's Pencil... and I love her.

### **EXIT**

**Scene**As they watch on Bracelety's television, the EXITers observe this scene, like every other scene in this episode, with pure astonishment. **Pencil** is sitting directly in front of the television, a bad thing for her eyesight.
**T****r****e****e**: [*on the TV screen*] But what about all the times you said *you* loved me, huh? Were those just lies?
**P****en**: No, they were real, honest! Just 'cause I love Pencil doesn't mean I don't appreciate you as a friend!
* **P****e****nci****l**: He said it again... [*throws her hands in the air*] YESSSS!

**T****r****e****e**: A friend with whom you watch *bowling*—Pen, what's the matter with you?
* **Ma****tch**: Aww, chiz. The man ho's going to tell all.
* **Bracel****ety**: You get that, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Bring out the Four-flavoured champagne, my fellow EXITers, Pen still loves me!
* **8****-****Ball**: Come on, Pencil, this is just like *The Real Housewives of Mozambique*.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Terrible acting!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sshhhhhh!

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene**The quarrel continues.
* **T****r****e****e**: She's been gone for fourteen years! And while we're at it, I'd like to go through each and every one of your countless radices and tell you how wrong you've done them.
* **P****en**: No! I want to talk about Pencil! I just know she's on her way to me right now!
* **T****r****e****e**: She's *gone*, Pen, and you need to deal with it on your own. God, I can't believe I ever fell for you.
* **P****en**: Why, 'cause you were doing the same thing with her that you're yelling at me about?
* **T****r****e****e**: What kind of nonsense is coming out of you now?
* **P****en**: [*points at the ground*] Down there's a gal you've loved for a long time, and I knew you loved her when you were with me. If you can feel that way about her, why can't I feel the same about my Pencil?
* **T****r****e****e**: Wait a minute, wait a fricking minute... are you talking about *my wife?* *That is completely different, Pen!*
* **P****en**: She's dead, and you're never gonna see her again!
* **T****r****e****e**: Just like you and your mum.
* **P****en**: *Parlare di mia matri così fa di uno 'n lariu bastaddu comu te!* [*stamps his foot*] *Porcu àrbulu, speru chi ti fai mali!*

[*Silence. Tree breathes in deeply and turns around.*]

* **P****en**: I- I'm sorry, Tree, forgive me, I really—
* **T****r****e****e**: Cancel your flight... and do not talk to my family. *Ever.*
* **P****en**: Bvv... Tree, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that!
* **T****r****e****e**: I didn't understand any of that, but it doesn't matter. I'm done with you.
* **P****en**: Buh!

[*Enter* **Snowball**, *in a rage.*]

* **Snowball**: Will you two twinks shut up? Me thinking of *Lightning!*
* **T****r****e****e**: [*turning around, with tears in his eyes*] This sub-object's been using me for two years when he's had someone else in mind the whole time!
* **P****en**: It's not like that, Tree, you gotta understand that! Until today, I didn't even know Pencil was alive. I- I thought that if she wasn't, I could share the love we had with someone who could have as much fun with me as I had with her. That's what she would've wanted, y'know?
* **T****r****e****e**: I always thought you were the perfect male specimen with a heart of gold, but instead you're nothing but a vain, unimpressive jerk who takes pleasure in taking advantage of others. [*pointing at Snowball*] Why don't you just have fun with that kangaroo dropping, huh?
* **Snowball**: [*to Tree*] Grrrr!
* **P****en**: You know what? I will! Come here, you big hunk!
* **Snowball**: Uuuh.

[*Pen starts to make out with Snowball. Tree shakes his head as Snowball rips Pen's bow tie in half and fumbles with his cap.*]

* **Snowball**: Frook yeah! You come with *me!*

[*Snowball picks Pen up and carries him over his shoulder like he's an object.*]

* **Snowball**: Oog oog!
* **P****en**: Hear that? *Snowball* wants me!
* **T****r****e****e**: Why would I want someone who associates with murderer donkey breath?
* **Snowball**: *You* listen! You not be good to little Pete! He mine now! Me him take to man cave!

[*Snowball turns around and pushes the elevator button.*]

* **P****en**: Yes, take me, *mark me as yoooooours!*
* **Snowball**: Shut it!

[*The elevator door opens. Exeunt* **Snowball** *and* **Pen**, *who, despite being on bad terms with Tree, still waves him a heartfelt goodbye.*]

* **P****en**: I'm going to miss you, buddy.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, well, go cry about it.

[*The door closes. In a brief moment of dark comedy, Tree angrily tries to kick the bed over the roof but hits his foot instead.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: *Faaaark!*

### **Field**

**Scene**The other members of **Vitas** are pleased with the result of their offensive.
#### Vitas (and a bit of U)

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We did a good job.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, now there's no chance of Ilta, coming after us again.

[*Pause.*]

* **Winner**: Anyone else feel a bit selfish?
* **Donut**: I do.
* **Winner**: Curse our good nature.

[*Enter* **Basketball**.]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, hey, guys!
* **Donut**: Hello!
* **Winner**: Basketball, what are you doing here?
* **Baske****t****ball**: I love what you did to get Ilta out of the way. How'd you do it?
* **Donut**: Thanks, it was just a little diversion technique. The Alefs haven't lost for a long time and we wanted to... give them that chance again.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Brilliant! Hey, I have $80. Is it cool if I take credit for that idea?
* **Donut**: You're offering to buy my solution?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, I mean, I've already got what I need in my life, so...
* **Donut**: Deal.

[*Eighty dollars fall from the sky and into Donut's arms.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Kthxbai!

[*Exit* **Basketball** *rapidly.*]

* **Winner**: Dude, what just happened?
* **Donut**: I don't know, but I'm *rich!*

### **Hotel restaurant**

**Scene**Somehow **The Alefs** have managed to change the TV channel. They are watching something funny, but we don't see what it is.
#### The Alefs

* **Ar****esko**: I love this show.
* **Puffball**: Wait for it...

[*Sound effect from the TV screen. Everyone laughs.*]

* **Puffball**: Ha-ha, he got hit in the head with a coconut!

[*Enter* **Ilta**.]

* **Ilt****a**: Hello?
* **Ar****esko**: Uh-oh, he's here.
* **S****aw**: I knew this would come in handy someday. Side character mode, activ***8!***

[*The Alefs blend into the background. Coiny, who has never been in the background for too long, hides under the table leg and turns edge-on.*]

* **P****i****n**: Coiny, what are you—
* **Co****i****ny**: Shh, I'm hiding!
* **P****i****n**: Told you being short would come in handy.

[*Ilta takes note of the scene.*]

* **Ilt****a**: Hello? Is anyone here? I was told there are a few easily-tempted people in this... apparently empty room.

[*Ilta sees the television.*]

* **Ilt****a**: Hey. I like this show.

[*Ilta takes the popcorn Puffball was eating, sits on the chair and watches the TV. Exeunt* **The Alefs**, *silently.*]

### **Field**

**Scene****The Alefs** quietly make their way outside. They cheer as they see the sunlight.
* **Co****i****ny**: Phew! That was close.
* **Ex****ix**: And embarrassing. That Ilta thing and I have the same favourite show?
* **Puffball**: It's high time you find a new one.

#### Vitas

[*Vitas look at the hotel building, waiting for Ilta to come out.*]

* **Donut**: Hmm... it's been almost thirty minutes and he still hasn't come out yet!
* **Winner**: Your idea was great, Donut.
* **Donut**: I think you mean *Basketball*.

[*They all laugh.*]

* **Donut**: Black Hole and Remote, I'll see you two round. [*points to himself*]
* **Winner**: We'll be busy packing up... triumphantly.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Alright.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Laters.

[*Exeunt* **Donut** *and* **Winner**.]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: See? They're nice.

[*Enter* **Tree** *coming out of the hotel carrying a large suitcase. He tries his best not to look furious.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Whoa, Tree, what's with the suitcase?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You look like you're going to the airport.
* **T****r****e****e**: No, Remote, I'm off to my job as a part-time port tester. /s
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Well.
* **T****r****e****e**: Sorry. I'm just... just a little upset right now.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Do you want to talk about it?
* **T****r****e****e**: Not now. I'm getting out of here as fast as I can.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But your flight doesn't leave until tomorrow.
* **T****r****e****e**: I'm walking there.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But Two doesn't want us to—
* **T****r****e****e**: I don't care, I don't fricking care, I'm sorry. I just want to be alone, away from a certain person. Er... call you when I find a phone?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sure...

[*Tree starts walking off, but still within earshot of Black Hole and Remote.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wait, which certain person are you talking about?
* **T****r****e****e**: Meryl Bleep, damn it. /s

[*Tree waves goodbye extremely briefly. He the begins to run until he is out of sight.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: He really got a beef with Meryl Bleep?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: He had a strong reaction to *So-Tree's Choice*.

## End of the contest (Fight scene)

### **Middle of the field**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** are standing in the middle of the field. Enter **Ilta**, who casually walks out of the hotel. Two and Five notice and wordlessly direct him to stand opposite them. The three extraterrestrials gradually attract the attention of the other contestants, who start to crowd around this intense scene.
* **Two**: The rules of this duel are simple: We are allowed to attack one another as aggressively as possible, as long as it's appropriate so as not to be censored.
* **Five**: The winner gets control of the biggest building the loser owns on this planet. If you win, you get to do whatever you want with our Second Hotel. If we win, we get to do whatever we want with your grain-sized hobble.
* **Ilt****a**: Hey!
* **Two**: Do you understand these rules?
* **Ilt****a**: Of course I understand them; I've read every intergalactic treaty on exoplanetary wars.
* **Five**: Hey, so did I! What'd you like most about it?
* **Ilt****a**: The font.
* **Five**: Right? You can never have too much Theodisca.
* **Ilt****a**: Yeah!
* **Two**: [*Aside.*] I have no idea what they're talking about. [*Aloud.*] But Ilta, it's time to become a ***perishable good.***
* **Ilt****a**: Not unless you die first!

[*Suddenly, Two and Five acquire lightsabers in the same colours as them. Ilta gasps melodramatically. Heroic music plays.*]

* **Ilt****a**: Not *those!*
* **Two**: Yeah-huh!
* **Five**: We have you beaten!
* **Ilt****a**: No, because your elephantine glow sticks are no match for my sudden ***LASER BREATH!!***

[*Ilta uses his laser breath to zap Two and Five, seemingly out of existence. Everyone gasps.*]

* **Ilt****a**: Weehee!

[**Ilta** *scales the hotel's outer walls.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: How is that possible?

[*Ilta lands on the hotel roof and proclaims his victory over Two and Five. We can still hear him.*]

* **Ilt****a**: Ta-daaaa!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Packing will be a bit awkward now.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Indeed.

[**Two** *and* **Five** *suddenly float upwards from underground. Some contestants applaud.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Two, it's you!
* **Ar****esko**: You're back!
* **S****aw**: I thought Yolanda obliter***8***ed you two!
* **Two**: We played dead.
* **Five**: Many of your Earth animals do the same thing!
* **Golf Ball**: That's undeniably true, but what did that action scene have to do with the contest?
* **Two**: Nothing! And since you've mentioned the contest, and since there's no way Ilta's coming down from there...

[*Sudden jump cut to Ilta relaxing in Tree's old bed.*]

* **Ilt****a**: *Aaaaah, feels like angst.*

[*Back to scene.*]

* **Two**: I think it's time we put this challenge to an end.

## Post-contest

* **Five**: Was there anyone among you who left TPOT for Ilta's show?

[*Everyone shakes their head no, except Price Tag, who nods once (which apparently means no in their culture).*]

* **Two**: Wow! You have all been very good contestants. As a reward, I won't be putting anybody up for elimina—

[*Enter* **Pen**, *with the same worried expression as in the last episode. His cap looks noticeably damaged, almost crushed.*]

* **P****en**: He's ***GOOOOOOOOONNNNE!***
* **Puffball**: [*Aside.*] Huh. Already seen.
* **Two**: Who?
* **P****en**: Tree! He- I- I was done getting... the, the Snowball, and then I went up and Tree, he wasn't in the room! Just some weird alien guy sleeping on his back, and he didn't even look at me!
* **Two**: Why does it matter that he's sleeping on his back?
* **Five**: Wait a minute, Two... You don't suppose that Tree went and joined another show, do you?
* **P****en**: I- I don't know! Please bring him back, I miss him so much!
* **Five**: [*ignoring him*] Let's not forget the letters' tendency to eat any object they can get their hands on.
* **Two**: Well, if he's not here, then he's certainly with Ilta. That dastardly skunk bag, how dare he kidnap and *eat* one of our most sensible players!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's not true. Two, Five, if I may add something—
* **Two**: Vitas!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Tree doesn't want to—
* **Two**: You are in last place, shame on you!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But he left early; he's going to the—

### **Voting screen**

**Scene****Two** stands before a voting screen that doesn't look that different from the ones seen so far. The only difference is that they are surrounded by the pictures and abbreviated names of *all* the contestants. **Five** stands next to Two, amazed at this sudden change in scenery... Even the music is different: Instead of the static-y sitcom version of the TPOT theme, it is a quiet acoustic guitar melody.
* **Two**: Viewers! We will be doing something different in the next episode (we kind of have to). In the thirty-first instalment of *The Power of Two*, all the teams will be split up (but don't tell the contestants): Write in the comments the codes of the two contestants you would like to see together in a team, in square brackets like this!

[*An example vote appears: "Type* [SA BH] *if you want Saw and Black Hole on a team together!"*]

* **Two**: The most popular combinations will be guaranteed a place on the same team, while the least popular ones will simply be ignored, and maybe even split up! [*Aside.*] Ugh, split.
* **Five**: Is that it?
* **Two**: Yep. Much simpler that way, innit?
* **Five**: Mm-hmm.

[*Two and Five smile at the camera.*]

## Stingers

### **Outside the hotel (Stinger #1)**

**Scene**Night. A view of the hotel building—**Ilta** can be seen having a party on the roof and **Five** is chasing him with a broomstick. Meanwhile, **Two** is sitting by the front lobby, flanked by **Naily** and **Basketball**.
* **N****a****ily**: So...
* **Baske****t****ball**: So...
* **Two**: Naily, you're eliminated.
* **N****a****ily**: Wait, wha—

[*Two zaps* **Naily** *into the Filing Cabinet.*]

* **Aura of** **N****a****ily**: *I totally nailed it!*
* **Baske****t****ball**: Two!
* **Two**: I think her send-off was way overdue.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, but you didn't have to do it so fast!
* **Two**: Why? Would you like to go next?
* **Baske****t****ball**: To be honest... no. I mean, it was my idea to send Ilta to the bar and stall your duel, so you guys could have time to prepare and all that.
* **Two**: It was?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah! I think I deserve a little immunity because of that, right?
* **Two**: Hmm... you're right! But it's still a double elimination today; I still need to send *someone* off. What shall I do, Basketball? Put some person in the game who was technically allowed to join but couldn't due to existential limitations and eliminate them instead?

[*Beat as Basketball raises her eyebrows. Two looks around.*]

* **Two**: Nonexisty, you're an official contestant.

[*Silence for one second.*]

* **Two**: Nonexisty, you're eliminated.

[*Two zaps in a random direction.*]

* **P****en**: [*off-screen*] Ow!
* **Two**: I think my work here is done.

[*Exit* **Two** *into the hotel. Basketball sits by herself.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Weirdest show ever.

[*Fade to black.*]

### **The same building where TPOT 27 was filmed (Stinger #2)**

**Scene**A beep sound can be heard, suggesting that this is something of a blooper reel or behind-the-scenes footage. For the first time, we see a real-life moment at the end of the episode (kind of like in the second half of BFB). The people who made the real *TPOT* possible, *i.e.*, **Satomi**, **Pokey** and **Cary** and **Michael** appear in this scene playing themselves (in 1983 period dress) and not the characters they portrayed in TPOT 27. They all stand around the one and only **Debbie Reynolds**, who sits on a stool and holds a guitar decorated with pictures of Fries and Clock (the dead contestants).
[*Ad-libbing from everyone.*]

* **Cary**: Shh, we're on camera.
* **Michael**: Hey, guys.

[*All wave. Awkward silence, broken by laughter from everyone.*]

* **Satomi**: Oh. I guess I'll start—my name's Satomi.
* **Pokey**: I'm Pokey.
* **Cary**: Cary.
* **Michael**: Michael.
* **Debbie**: And I'm Debbie!

[*Laughter.*]

* **Cary**: Yes, the four of us standing are the actual humans behind Jacknjellify. We're responsible for bringing *The Power of Two* to the power of *you*.

[*Laughter.*]

* **Pokey**: *Mostly* responsible.
* **Cary**: [*Aside.*] True, you don't get to vote for who stays any more. [*Aloud.*] With that being said, we'd like to welcome you all to our musical guest star, the incomparable Ms. Debbie Reynolds!

[*Applause.*]

* **Debbie**: Thanks for having me, it really means a lot.
* **Satomi**: No problem. Now, you've just gotten back from a very special project.
* **Debbie**: Yes, I have. I was just teaching aerobic exercise with some good friends of mine. Those ladies *rock*.
* **Pokey**: How interesting!
* **Debbie**: But... [*laughs*] that's obviously not what I'm here for. No, I didn't come here for all of you to "do it Debbie's way".

[*Laughter.*]

* **Debbie**: About fifteen years ago, I sang a song about BFDI.
* **Pokey**: Yeah, "An Object Show"!
* **Cary**: We still remember the words.
* **Debbie**: Oh, you do! The interesting thing is, this was before I even knew what object shows were, so I was a bit confused. But now that we're here and now and, well, object shows are practically everywhere I look, I've written new lyrics for all the seasons I missed out on.
* **Michael**: Well, thanks! It's always great to have people sing about what we do. Or as one of my characters would say... [*in Bubble's voice*] *Yoylecake!*
* **Satomi**: You're like an inspiration to millions of people.
* **Debbie**: Why, thank you! I hope you like it.
* **Satomi**: Well, Ms. Reynolds, the stage is all yours, and again, we're really glad to have you here.

[*Exeunt the others as the lights dim and the credits roll as Debbie Reynolds sings a continuation of that folk song from the last episode.*]

**Song: "An Object Show (BFB and TPOT version)"**

**Vocalist(s)**: Debbie Reynolds

**Debbie**: ♫ I'm singing now of BFB, an object show, an object show,

I'm singing now of BFB, a show made by Jacknjelli-*fee*.

Eight teams of eight at play, it seemed like so much more:

Chaotic disarray because of X and Four.

That was the part for BFB, an object show, an object show,

That was the part for BFB, a show made by Jacknjelli-*fee*.

They went and split the show, but most know what to do,

For battling they go for the power of dear Two!

This has become a TPOT song, an object show, an object show.

This has become a TPOT song; with Jnj, you'll never go wrong! ♫

[*Applause.*]

**THE END
of TPOT: ACT V**
## Deleted scenes

* It was after midnight and I was barely awake when I wrote the outline. Here's how it was meant to go:

*Eraser is the last to get up naturally. ass on as he does,.. Pen? Eraser? Omg, you’re here! Tree isn’t this awesome, look who it is it’s Eraser! Hello. Hi. Oh hey it’s Fanny, Tree! I hate you! Also Pie exploded and died, I hate explosions - Marked, Will you stop that? Sorry, Laters… awkwardly waved goodbye, Pen you wouldn’t BELIEVE what I’ve been through, Where d)yo go? (Overhearing) yeah where did this van come from, I thought you were all living in the Filing Cabinet! Tell us, tell us all about it! We d really like to, but… how do we put this gently, All we want is to hit the sack, We’ve been on the road for a year, stopped to film a Cake at Stake only to all get ejected, Also we promised to have a nap the moment we got to our hotel rooms in the Fi-Sh! How dare you shush me! No, I’m saying you shouldn’t talk about the FC unless you want Two to come over and kill you. Oh. Speaking of Two, where is your host? In the lobby, We want to sleep, okay? Even though They all look at each other and make noises of agreement Pretty much Oh wow. Well enjoy your naps! Bye y’all Well that was a real quick visit Trust me, if I was on the road for two years I’d want to go to my warm, cosy, fluffy bed… oh why does it have to be morning?*

* Bomby was going to say "Festivity" instead of "Celebration".
* Liy, as Exix, was going to call Foldy a "troublemaking hussy" instead of just a "troublemaker". I changed it after I realized that Liy and Stapy had spent enough time together in the EXIT for Liy to be *that* angry with her.
* Eraser was originally going to call himself a "third baseman" instead of going around the subject to evade the censors. I thought the baseball metaphors were too obvious. Then I had to change the dialogue again because I found it a little weird:

**P****en**: Why, what happened?
**Eraser**: I did a van.
**P****en**: What?
[*Eraser points at Uniqua, who has kiss marks on her roof.*]
**Eraser**: Mm-hmm. *Alla terza base, fra.*
**P****en**: Eraser, I love you and all, but that's a little... weird.

* I rewrote it for a second time. This was draft #2:

**Eraser**: I did, and she's *awesome*. [*points at Uniqua*] We had a one-night... drive.
**P****en**: What?
**Eraser**: But then Eight found out and called it a night. Literally. I was asleep for two fricking years for stealing his van.
**P****en**: [*confused*] Okay... Anyway, so you missed what's been going on.
**Eraser**: I still feel *awesome*. But yeah, what is it?
**P****en**: [*pointing at Tree, who is talking with Pie and Fanny*] I think Tree really likes me.
**Eraser**: Well, you know the rules. I'm counting on you to win for me, bro, and I don't need—
**P****en**: I know, man, I know.

* Eight was meant to have a bigger rôle in this episode before their character was replaced. They are the number behind the voice and that's it. No villainy whatsoever, unless you count their making the cast stay for the entire taping of the Season 8 pilot... even though none of them made it in.
* Originally, the scene in the hotel lobby was supposed to be full of dialogue, as that would be most realistic: About twenty contestants sneaking through a lobby where two algebraliens live and there's no way they wouldn't *not* make any noise. But I decided against it because I can only stand the FC'ers in small doses and also, some scenes just work better without any dialogue.
* The scene right after the lobby scene (*i.e.* directly before Cake at Stake) was originally going to be of Tree and Pen talking about things (which would happen later in the episode). I changed it to Black Hole and Remote because I feel that their business ventures are highly underrated in plot significance.
	+ In the same scene, Black Hole was going to say "ravenous-ness-ness" like Raven-Symoné and/or Raven Baxter (I can't remember when she said that). I changed it to be more translatable. (Sorry, Raven!)
* During Cake at Stake, when Bok gets hit with a platform piece:

**P****ri****c****e Tag**: Lightweight, lol.
**Golf Ball**: Must be a European thing.

* Pen was going to shout to the audience: "*Il suo libro, era là, ora non c'è più e non so nemmeno dove siaaaaaa!*" when he found out that Tree's book was missing. The removal of this line led to the removal of a few others:

**Golf Ball**: And where's TV with his translator app?
**T****r****e****e**: What were you doing up there for so long anyway?
**P****en**: Oh. I was looking at myself.

* TPOT 30b was originally going to be called "Return of the *Showrunner*". I changed it because there was no actual showrunner that appeared in the episode.
* After Puffball says Two (and Five) can't speak when frozen. I changed this line because I had just read the short little description of Two's character back on the Other Wiki... Wow, Two's personality is weird:

**Two**: *Veuillez vous corriger*, Puffball.

* Instead of having him sing in English, I wanted Ilta sing in Fake Russian (*i.e.*, English words but typed on a Russian-language keyboard). I changed it because Clock was still dead at that point and I didn't want to make a potential voice actorsing lines like "Ерфе нщг рщзу нщгк тфьу цшдд кштп ыщьу иудды!" (pronounced *"Yerfe nshchg rshchzu nshchgk tf'u tsshdd kshtp yshch'u iuddy"')'.*
* Pen was going to say "DILFs" instead of "dads". I've forgotten the fact that he doesn't swear!
* On his way to the airport, Tree would have sung his innermost thoughts in the form of a distant duet with Pen. The song was replaced by two shorter songs: the theatrical showstopper by Ilta and the guest song from Debbie Reynolds.
* I had this mini-scene prepared last night, but I forgot the context I would be using it in:

**Co****i****ny**: [*says something about nihilism*]
**P****i****n**: Nihilism? That's Latin for "nothing-ism"!
**Ar****esko**: Really?
**Co****i****ny**: I didn't know you spoke Latin, Pin.
**P****i****n**: I don't, but I can still remember hearing it in church. My *ngoại* (grandma), she only knew one language, but she could belt out the *Ave Maria* like a boss.

* There was going to be an extra scene with Naily reuniting with Nickel, Cake and Bomby in the Filing Cabinet—they would have moved out of Balloony and Cloudy's room and acquired a space of their own. This was moved to a future episode (possibly).

## Notes

1. ↑ I can't say the ever-Australian term *root*, according to the dictionary that word is vulgar.
2. ↑ I'm not that good at writing dialogue for real people. In the case of the TPOT crew, it's probably even more important to get how they speak right, hence the instructions on ad-libbing.
3. ↑ You sing this song to the melody of this one.
4. ↑ For those of you concerned about the ethical issues of going in unto a vehicle, it's... Well, Uniqua is only a non-sentient vehicle, just like the FreeSmart SuperVan.
5. ↑ Not that I want this to be animated... [*winks to nobody in particular*]

**Fake TPOT** [V]