Evan Kelmp/Quotes

* "Oh, hello friend. You're not native to this region. You're a completely different type of owl. Oh boy."
* "I'm not doing anything to make you uncomfortable, so why are you reacting that way?" {Headmistress Boudicca Philtrum, "I just- I'm waiting for you to blink, young man."} "This is my normal face."
* "One time, a pig's head in a butcher shop told me that god and the devil killed each other. So, you know, I don't know if that's an animal or not. I don't know if that's an animal or not! And it's been happening for a long time!"
* "I'm having the best time I've ever had in my life; I'm not sad right now."
* "These feel like three mutually exclusive pieces of advice, all of which are outside of my wheelhouse."
* "This is more social interaction than I've had in years. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I raised my voice."
* "You're doing me a favor by helping me be more normal 'cause you know what people are supposed to say." {Dream, "Again, it's not normal. There's no normal."} "There is. There is. With all due respect, absolutely, I would love to be more normal, yeah, for sure."
* "I am not an evil wizard!"
* "Don't touch my blood! You, get back in my body!" -about and then to the blood snake
* "That's not what happens in hell! Hell is a dark forest where your dad opens his ribcage and invites you to dance."
* "Hey, oh, do you go to this school? Did you grow up in wizard-land?! Would you like to do a spell about it?! You're rude!" -to Axelby Killoran
* "My name is Evan Kelmp, please refer to me as such." -to various Aqrabus Students
* "What would you know about me based on our previous zero conversations? Stranger! You stranger! I don't know you!!"
* "Whenever I just honestly report the facts of my life, people get emotional."
* "I'm not a character."
* "I can buy you a drink, if you want. But if you don't want that, then you don't have to worry about that. But if you want one, I can get you one. But again, there's no pressure. I'm not going to drink alcohol because I value self-control for reasons you're both intimately familiar with. But ultimately it's your decision, and what's important is- and by the way, I've been thinking- I remember what you said last week right when you found Sam where you mentioned like, 'oh Evan thinks that he only adds value to the group because of his use to people.' And I've been thinking a lot about that, and I wanted to say that you're so right, and like self-worth is hard. But I've been very unloved, and so- So I don't want you to think that me buying you a drink is like getting the weights for Jammer, and it's not, it's-" {Dream, "Shh. You're so bad at words. But it's alright. Yes, um, a lot of times we're the product of our environment, for instance, I hated pink because it was internalized misogyny, but um, you know.."}
* "I have bad vibes. Please continue."
* "Oh good you speak English. The next two minutes are going to be extremely important for you." {"What are you doing?"} "You have some really critical decisions to make. And the first decision you should really consider is conceding prior to the match. Because I'm not going to hold back. Those lunatics over there, the wizard Nazis- they love my ass, they love me." {"I found that very concerning. I don't enjoy being here."} "You should be concerned. Here's the deal- you probably have 90 seconds now to concede, and you really got to think it through 'cause what's going to happen is this- I can't guarantee what's gonna happen to you. There's no promise for your safety. There's no promise for anything." {"I feel like you're psyching me out right now."} "It's not psyching out. I'm doing the kindest thing I've ever done right now. About 60 seconds left, you really should concede. If you're not going to concede, what do you want me to tell your family?"
* "For prestige?! People care about you!!" -to student opponent from Rosemont
* "Need I say Goat House!?"