The Blessings Cow

"Blessings and Curses come in all shapes and sizes, and usually have a best before date."

## Biographical information

### Marital status

Cows don't get married, last time I checked

## Appearances

### Debut

Barnyard, the 2023 remaster

*"Gimme some blessing."*

The Blessings Cow is a cow, which means he is not a horse. He is single-handedly responsible for ruining all of mankind, despite the fact that he has no hands.

## Bio

The Blessings Cow's name is actually Brian Barnwood, but he has been referred to as the Blessings Cow ever since he savagely gored his mother to death using his mighty horns.

Since his birth he has been kept as a dairy cow, as the only uses for those of the bovine persuasion are to produce milk or to be grilled with a side of chips. This is factual information and cannot be disputed. The milk produced by the Blessings Cow was used in the making of Nestle's latest product, the *Milkybar Gold*, a disgusting item that received universal criticism and is hated by many. The exact same day the *Milkybar Gold* hit store shelves, customers across the globe took to social media and Nestle's customer service email to voice their complaints about its intense, bitter flavour. One man even insisted he could 'taste it before he'd even put it in his mouth' and told the cashier that he 'wholeheartedly regretted his purchase', before proceeding to smash the storefront windows with a crowbar.

The incident came to be known as the *'Great Milkybar Catastrophe of 2023',* and a few unfortunate buyers even came down with sickness. Naturally, the blame for this disaster fell entirely upon the shoulders of the Blessings Cow, who had absolutely nothing to say for himself in response to these allegations, for he is a cow and therefore cannot speak.

A spokesperson for the Nestle company is reported as saying "Our customers' dissatisfaction with our new product has not fallen on deaf ears. We have heard all of your complaints, and rest assured, the Blessings Cow will get what is coming to him. In the meantime, if you have purchased one or more of our *Milkybar Gold* bars, please return them to the store you purchased from within two weeks for a full refund, a written apology, and a complimentary copy of *Spare* by Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex.

Don't let this article distract you from the fact that male cows do not, in fact, produce milk.

## Default Vehicle

The Blessings Cow drives in a tractor that releases vast quantities of methane gas into the atmosphere. He is a proud contributor and advocate for the cause of climate change.

## Special talents

Quite like the Chad Rex, the Blessings Cow exhibits numerous talents, which may (and on the other hand, may not) consist of;

Grazing: The Blessings Cow spends most of his (limited remaining) days chomping on the grass, just like your average human being of veganistic qualities.

Production of Milk: The Blessings Cow has the ability to dispense milk from his udders. It is never fresh, and has been known to cause adverse ailments if consumed by elderly women with dementia.

Provider of Food: If you're reading this in a restaurant and have just ordered a steak, then a blessing is on its way to you indeed.