289: I Have No Glaaaaaaaands

## Summary

The intervention quickly becomes a therapy session between Will and Batthwack, led by Rosco and Raphina. This helps Batthwack finally admit the whole truth about his relationship with Zantras and the gift he accepted. He asks for Will's help in exorcising this demon and when Rosco leads a chant of *"Zantras, talk to Will!"* their crowns are suddenly released and are sent clattering to the floor.

## Synopsis

Rosco wonders if Batthwack just misinterpreted the book's picture of a flaming Gully's End, but Will agrees with Batthwack and Rosco sees that as a massive step in the right direction. He points out to Batthwack that maybe he and Will actually have the same desire to protect people, and says about Will, *"Maybe he just has different ways of going about it."* Will's incredibly frustrated and can't understand why no-one else sees it: Batthwack's been acting really strange and even killed someone while they were in Morrow's Inlet. *"I don't care about the ethics, I'm saying that I'm worried about being around you,"* he says. He goes on to tell Raphina and Rosco about how Batthwack referred to himself as King Batthwack.

Sounding rather weary, Batthwack says *"No, I'm not a king. There was no King Batthwack in Gully's End, I'll tell you that,"* and reminds them that Will also has a crown on his head, though it's invisible. Will arrogantly says *"I don't see any crown,"* but Batthwack casts *Dispel Magic*, immediately revealing it. Will's various cosmetic improvements to his appearance are also dispelled, giving Rosco his first unfiltered look at Will. *"You look a lot more like how I feel than I would have expected,"* says Rosco as Will hides the crown again and begins subtley improving his appearance again.

Angered by being put in such a vulnerable position, Will gets his own back and casts *Suggestion* on Batthwack, saying *"Tell us how you feel about the Kingmaker and what happened."* Batthwack manages to resist the spell, but realises that perhaps it is his turn to share. *"Well, everyone, I found this crown in the woods. I touched it, and I found that it was on my head, and it wouldn't come off... And I met somebody. It was just a voice,* *but it was the same voice that I heard in the Amber Temple.* *And just like in the Amber Temple, it asked if I wanted a gift. And I said yes. And now I can't seem to take this crown off. But I feel much stronger than I did before I accepted that gift. Just like before. I feel like I could change things."* Rosco probes, asking if that's the only changes he's noticed. Batthwack has to admit that he's not sure why he's become so obsessed with the flying boots. Initially he'd just wanted them because he loved flying, but then *"I became more and more convinced that they're essential to being able to protect people, or stop whatever is going to happen in Gully's End."*

Will sarcastically suggests Raphina must have paid Rosco to force this therapy session on them all. *"I'm not a secret therapist, all right? I'm just a travelling weirdo,"* responds Rosco. He goes on to say that since everyone else is sharing, he'll do the same. All the talk about gifts and guidance has reminded him of something. *"You want to know about the last gift I got? The last gift I got is this lucky coin,"* and he puts his necklace on the table. *"I got that from a woman that I loved... The best night of my life. Tanya was her name. She told me that this coin would bring me luck; it would bring me everything I ever want, need or desire. And you know what happened later that night? Her father, my boss, found out about us, and he came to my tent in a paternalistic rage, and he picked a fight with me. It was raining that night. First we were fighting in my tent and then we fell out of the tent into the mud. And he was trying to punch me and I was trying to defend myself, and the fight gradually moved over next to the lion training ring. He came at me one more fateful time and as I gripped that lucky coin in my hand, I stepped to the side and he fell right in the lion training ring. The lions tore the love of my life's father apart right in front of my very eyes. And when Tanya came in the rain, and looked at me and looked at what she thought I had done, I knew she could never look at me the same way. So I ran. I got out of there and I drove as far as I could, as long as I could. It always felt like a bitter irony to me that the very same night I got this lucky coin, I lost the person who gave it to me, the very person who promised that I would be okay for the rest of my life. So gifts, feelings, guides... I've always felt like I'm the unluckiest bastard who's ever lived."* However, Rosco explains that he's been forced to re-evaluate things recently, having joined the party and found that his key fit the book. Perhaps fate has been guiding him after all.

*"Thank you for being one of us. You are a gift to us,"* says Raphina, wiping the tears from her eyes. She turns to Batthwack and says, *"Let's just say that your desire to have the boots is somehow rooted in something bad. What might these urges be a symbol of? What should we do!?"* Batthwack relays the advice given to him by the waterfall: *"Listen to Will. Trust him,"* and wonders what the image of a crown could have meant. Bernard asks Will what he thinks. Will acknowledges the importance of waterfalls, especially to Batthwack, so rejects any idea that the waterfall might not be a good guide. They recall the weird flaws Will and Lank received after accepting gifts and Batthwack's face falls as it gradually dawns on him that his change in character and the weird accidents that have befallen him, might all be a side effect of having accepted Zantras' gift.

Batthwack suddenly blurts it out, *"I haven't been completely upfront with you, Will."* He tells them about the other time he spoke to Zantras, when he was granted the ability to cast *Eldritch Blast*, the spell that ultimately killed someone. *"I like the power this Zantras gives me, but I'm certain this is not going to end well,"* he says. Rosco says that maybe Batthwack is asking for their help. *"Will, maybe he's asking for your help."* Will scoffs; he'd already offered to help Batthwack, but when Batthwack had been confronted by a dark entity, he'd tried to handle it on his own. *"Help me Will,"* says Batthwack, his tone deadly serious. *"In what way?!"* asks Will. *"I don't know, take my crown off,"* suggests Batthwack. *"I wish I could. I don't want this one on either. But I already told you, any other entities come to you, tell them to talk to me."*

Standing up abruptly, Batthwack sends his chair clattering to the ground. He shouts *"Zantras! Talk to Will!"* and it oddly echoes around the beer garden. Will looks worried, and the echoing is so unnatural that Rosco can't help but join in, in an effort to understand what's going on. *"Yeah! Zantras, talk to Will! Everybody, let's let's do it. Zantras, talk to Will!"* and he begins to coax everyone into shouting it too. Encouraged by Rosco, who is actually beginning to feel some kind of religious fervour for the first time in his life, Will shouts, *"Fuck you, Zantras, talk to me! I mean, like, it's not gonna happen. I can't summon a god, guys!"* The echoes reverberate around the space, building and synchronising into a deafening chant. Bernard is running circles around Will and Batthwack, looking very anxious and stressed, and the skies seem to darken. It feels like the pressure in the room drops as if a storm is brewing, and Pippa arches her back defensively. Will runs over, and smacks at the crown on Batthwack's head, and to everyone's surprise, it goes clanging to the ground. His own crown slides from his head and also falls to the floor.

The change is immediate. Batthwack no longer feels the same compulsions that he had been experiencing, but also he's somehow not standing quite as tall and proud as he had been; the boost to his personality and presence are gone. Despite this, he is feeling elated and a huge smile spreads across his face.

## Quotes

* KT: *"I catch the potato. Is it cold?"* Eric: *"Warm."* Abby: *"It's tepid."* Eric: *"It's soft, so it smooshes a little bit when you catch it."* Abby: *"That's my next band name."* Eric: *"Tepid potato?"* Adam: *"It's my next OkCupid username."*

## Trivia

* The episode title came from Abby, when Raphina was balling about Rosco's tragic back-story: *"Raphina runs over and sobs into your mustard stain."* Rosco: *"No no! That makes it worse! Sweat! Sweat into it!"* Raphina: *"I have no glaaaaaaaands! Waaaaaah!"* KT: *"Raphina has no glands?!"* Abby: *"Eric, don't write that down!"* Eric: *"Too late."* Adam: *"That's glanon."*
* Baskets - "Koosh" Scene: https://www.imdb.com/video/vi3911759129/
* The Family Circus: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The\_Family\_Circus
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: extra spicy.

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ See episode 224: Pork Fried Dice: A Pay-To-Play Game
2. ↑ See episode 288: Gimme a Break, Like My Foot
3. ↑ KT describes Will's appearance without all his magical cosmetic improvements: *"My hair is definitely way more messy, I look way more haggard. I'm very pale and thin and tired looking."*
4. ↑ See episode 187: We Have a Lot To Discover About Raphina's Digestive System
5. ↑ See episode 120: We Have to Defeat Batthwack Now
6. ↑ Rosco was seen holding a necklace with a copper circle on it. See episode 285: Everybody Breathes a Sigh of Relief
7. ↑ See episode 283: One Does Not Simply Walk Into BoarDoor
8. ↑ See episode 287: Next Time You Hear White Noise...
9. ↑ See episodes 115: Sarcopha-guy to 119: Guys, My Sinuses Have Never Been Clearer
10. ↑ See episode 242: Tones of Loam
11. ↑ See episode 260: Batthwack Yells And Then Smashes... \*gasp\*