2016 Power Rankings-Week 1

## “This is my year. I just have a feeling.”

Many of you have sent me that exact text at some point over the last three weeks. Maybe one of you is right. Maybe all of you are wrong. One thing is certain. This is someone’s year.

Is this the year Shotti wins back to back and owns 50% of the league trophies?

Is this the year Chris proves last year was a fluke and shows everyone that the best draft can lead to the best season?

Is this the year Joe’s autodrafted team makes playoffs and takes it all the way to the top?

Is this the year Nate breaks the Even Year Curse?

Is this the year Pat finally goes from worst to first?

Is this the year a chick turns us all into a bunch of pussies?

Is this the year the commish reigns supreme in his own league once and for all?

Is this the year Zach returns to championship glory?

Is this the year Jared sees his third straight Championship Game and this time emerges victorious?

Or is this the year the 2011 champion takes his Posse back to the Promised Land and reclaims his crown?

To nine of these questions, the answer is no. To one, the answer is a resounding yes. In just sixteen painfully short weeks we will have our answer.

With that being said, welcome to another year of fantasy football in the League of Champions. As I say every year: Win or lose, I’m always grateful I get to stay close to everyone during football season even though I’m far away. Like Führer Goodell, I wish you all the best of luck while secretly favoring two or three of you.

## “Gotta Pick ‘Em All!”

For five years Pick ‘Em has been the *Kingdom of the Crystal Skull* of the league. It’s there but you can pretend it doesn’t exist and it won’t change anything.

This year I want to add another layer of competition, since the games just aren’t enough for me. If you don’t want to participate that’s fine, too. You just miss out and I think less of you.

Throughout the season we’ll have various pick ‘em competitions. You win you get a point.

You also get points for every correct matchup prediction on the Yahoo Pick ‘Em page so be sure to keep up with that.

### Week One Competition

Any time between now and before kick off on Thursday, everyone send me your predictions for who the six LOC playoff teams will be this season. Also send me your picks for who the two Championship Game teams will be and the 2016 LOC Champion.

* Two points for each correct playoff team prediction.
* Five points for each correct championship team.
* Ten points if you get the champion right.
* Twenty bonus points if you guess all six playoff teams, the two Championship teams, and the one winner.

### What do the points mean?

Guys, I have to be honest, I haven’t gotten that far. But a few ideas have crossed my mind. I could waive league dues for 2017 to the winner, which I know is kinda lame and we do that for March Madness already. I could give the winner bonus points that can be redeemed during any matchup the next year (ex. You can add five to your point total for any given week), but I’m worried some panties would be bunched. Maybe I fly the winner out to wherever the fuck I’m living. Maybe winner gets 50% off NFL playoff tickets for January. We can figure out the details later, for now they are “Whose Line is it Anyway” points but if you fall behind in points early and we decide the winner gets something awesome, it’s on you.

## “Previously, On…”

Before we look at this year’s pre-season rankings, let’s see how I did predicting the final standings in last year’s pre-season Rankings.

**Week One Power Rankings vs. Final Standings**
 Deez Sons of Bitchez (+3)
 GaroppoblowMe (+1)
 The Shotti Bunch (-3)
 Reign Maker (+5)
 Papa's Posse
 Paddock 9 (+2)
 Team ManBearPig (-1)
 Fire Goodell (-1)
 FreeOJ (-7)

Not bad. I only wildly underestimated one team and greatly overestimated another. I should have known that in an odd year, FOJ was at least finishing in the top four. I feel good that this year I didn't underestimate RIPDab.

## "If You Want to Test a Man's Character, Give Him Power [Rankings]."

### 1. The Shotti Bunch

Projected: 9-4

On paper, TSB may not have had the best draft. But in reality, we all know what this team is capable of and until proven otherwise, they are the team to beat. TSB wanted to grab Gronk in the first, but in a move ownership has called “snakey,” Gronk was grabbed picks earlier by GBM. Instead of Gronk they settled for his counterpart, Bennett, in the ninth. Maybe believe Bennett has top five TE potential given the two-TE offense run by New England. If that’s the case TSB got near Gronk value for 80 picks cheaper. TSB has always started off slow, usually at .500 for the first month of the season. So does TB12’s absence, even if it costs him a couple games, really matter when TSB consistently drafts his teams for the playoff push? One thing that SHOULD have him shook is TB12’s new haircut. That’s not the look of a champion. That’s the look of me when I was in fourth grade.

### 2. Peeled Eggplant

Projected: 9-4

Last season, injuries peeled away any hope of this team winning it all (or at all). This year, they hope to squash their 2015 demons and return to form as one of the premiere teams in the league. The draft was a good start, but be weary of those who finish first in draft day projections. They tend to fall way short of expectations. PE will be tested early, with four matchups against playoff teams to open the season. The meat of the season will pose a big challenge to Peeled, as almost all of their players see the bye in weeks 7-9.

### 3. Deez Sons of Bitchez

Projected: 8-5

Over the years it has been so fun to see Dee grow from a punching bag to a title contender. From a Jet-esque squad to a Patriot-esque squad. When she first started playing she was just Nate’s girlfriend. Now it’s safe to say that Nate is Chantel’s girlfriend. That being said, drafting Jamaal Charles for the second year in a row and Doug Martin two years after he became her third round bust, Dee is looking more and more like the girl who keeps going back to the abusive relationship because “he’s changed, things will be different now.” Dee is really banking on the old adage that lightning can’t strike five times in the same ACL.

### 4. Ma ma momma said

Projected: 5-8

Holy underwhelming draft, Batman! Or maybe we’re just so used to MMMS winning without flash that this draft came across like the second season of *True Detective*. Their first half was strong, though at age 31 Peterson’s longevity and legitimacy as a first round pick will be questioned. Curtis Martin racked up 1700 yards and 12 TDs as a 31-year old RB back in 2004, but in total there have been just eleven 1,000+ yard seasons for RBs 31 or older. You also have to wonder how the loss of Teddy B may affect sleeper pick Treadwell. And now that Eddie Lacy can fit back into his skinny jeans, the concern will be whether he can manage to stay under 250lbs and make it over 1,000 yards. The second half was weaker for MMMS. Eifort is a risk, even at 92 (also his ADP) and especially considering he’ll be sidelined at least through four weeks and Kelce is the only other option on the roster. Also, MMMS’s clear desire for Denver’s defense may have led to an early grab, as the next defense didn’t go for another 25 picks. What do you think, does MMMS have what it takes to make it three straight Championship losses?

### 5. Garropoblow Me

Projection: 3-10

GBM stacked their team with a mix of young players full of breakout potential as well as veterans with weak strength of schedules and a defense with the easiest week 14-16 matchups in the NFL. With Branden Oliver tearing his Achilles’ tendon, the reach for Woodhead at nearly 70 picks before his ADP might not have been as terrible a decision as it appeared at the time. But GBM has built a high risk roster and in the process missed on opportunities by reaching for players,

including QB, before they were really needed. 2016 is the first season GBM did not draft Tom Brady and instead went with arch rival Eli Manning, ensuring that if Manning does poorly Matt the NFL fan wins and if Eli does well Matt the Fantasy Owner wins. Not sure which way the Matt Jinx flies on this one but one thing is for certain: A day will come when I think myself safe and happy and suddenly my joy will turn to ashes in my mouth, and I will know the jinx is paid.

### 6. Papa’s Posse

Projected: 7-6

This is the third year in the row Witten has been drafted by Papa’s Posse, ensuring yet another season full of “Witten really fucked me this week” texts at 6pm on Sunday afternoons. I’m not going to lie, I audibly gasped when PP picked Witten.

Fool me once, shame on Witten, fool me three times shame on me. For years Papa has been scouring the nursing homes for the best the 2011 season has to offer, hoping to rekindle that championship flame. To their credit, PP had a very strong draft and did not seem to panic in the later rounds like in previous years. Well balanced and full of potential, Papa’s Posse has the sixth seed all but locked up.

### 7. TEAM MANBEARPIG

Projected: 7-6

Last year TMBP auto drafted and nearly made playoffs, but they had to deal with the unfortunate circumstance of drafting Jordy Nelson and dealing with injuries all year to Big Ben. This year, TMBP was so distracted putting his kids to bed that he was too busy to put his season to bed. But the joke's on us because instead of mucking up his draft, TMBP just didn’t show up and happened upon another decent team. Granted, they have no RB or TE depth to speak of, but their WR corps is as scary as you’ll find and they have the most favorable bye week schedule out of everyone. They also have the second easiest four games to start the year so they could jump into a favorable playoff position very quickly if they can perform to their projections.

### 8. RIPDab

Projected Finish: 4-9

Depending on how you look at this ranking you could either think this is too high or too low for RIPDab. For example, if you strictly take into account the Even Year Curse, the mediocre draft, years of failed roster experiments, the endless paragraphs of unsubstantiated trash talk and the habitual choking, you may say this is too high. On the other hand, if your name is Nate, you may think this is too low. But before we go jumping down Dab’s throat for not selecting a QB until the 15th, not selecting a defense until the 16th, and not selecting a Kicker at all, let’s remember that this team finished 3rd place last season after not selecting a QB until the 12th\*, not selecting a defense until the 16th, and not selecting a Kicker at all. If there is one nice thing to be said about this team (and I’m pretty sure there is only one) it’s that management will make move after move until they feel they have the best chance of winning. And that refusal to quit is worth at least 8th place. If not 7th.

\*Tannehill was picked in the 10th but he doesn’t count as an actual QB

### 9. GLORIOUS

Projected: 3-10

GLORIOUS was not a word I would use to describe this draft (I get how bad that joke was but I’m trying here). The good news is they have the easiest first four games, but the bad news is on the ass end they have the most difficult four games. Combine those eight games and you have the mediumest eight games. So what will we get from Glorious this season? A lot of the RB load rests on the shoulders of Duke and David Johnson, while the majority of the WR load falls to players with the prefix coo-. For years GLORIOUS has been considered a force to be reckoned with, but is a new era upon us for the former champ?

### 10. Paddock 9

Projected: 10-3

Perhaps most fascinating about Paddock 9 is his fantasy dysmorphia. Paddock 9 constantly looks himself in the mirror and sees a completely warped version of his reality staring back, which ultimately leads to tears and puking in the bathroom after meals. This year, P9’s unjustified ego is at Threat Level Midnight. He was so busy bragging he almost forgot to draft a defense. To his credit, Murray in the fourth may be a steal, but since it’s Pat there is a 90% chance it is a huge mistake. P9 also drafted three New England Patriots, but don’t worry only two of them have fully intact knees. I will say that P9 drafted only three players below their ADP, which means he reached for a whopping 82% of his roster. That’s impressive. Much like Shotti at the very top, P9 needs to prove that they don’t belong here in order to be moved. And since 2011 they’ve proved this is exactly where they deserve to be. Do I think they will finish tenth? Well, a normal manager would bring this top-ranked team to the top but this is no normal manager.

## Matchup of the Week

With the amount of trash talk that has been shot back and forth over the off-season, the GaroppoblowMe vs. Paddock 9 rivalry has reached critical mass. This week one matchup, which last season would have been a blowout for GBM, now looks like a scrappy fight to assert early dominance in a season full of questions for both teams. These two teams won't meet again until week 13, so whoever wins this has bragging rights for the entire season.

Paddock 9 finished the regular season ninth, and GBM finished second, but now the tables have turned. P9 is projected to finish 1st, GBM projected to finish last. With Bell sidelined and P9 at full strength, the game will set the tone for the entire year and could represent a changing of the guard.

## “They’re Just Not Good Anymore”

I know this isn’t the best the rankings have to offer. Has Matt fallen off? Has his power finally gone to his head? Did moving in with his girlfriend change him? Is he purposefully writing wordy, unfunny rankings lacking in theme, direction, and proper grammar just to get in all of our heads?  Well, it is my mission to bring this league to the peak of where fantasy leagues can be and I will not stand for my own mediocrity! That being said, you all have to deal with my mediocrity this week. LET THE GAMES BEGIN.