2014 Power Rankings-Week 5

*Posted 9/30/14 at 6:00pm*

Holy Blowouts, Batman! Last week featured some great matchups, but this week we had four blowouts. Three of the five losers (and one winner) started a Defense that earned negative points. But that’s just the start of the issues for some teams, who already are in do or die mode just four weeks in to the season.

Not only are we seeing some bad fantasy performances, but the NFL has some atrocious teams this year as well. Look at Jacksonville, Oakland, New England...the list goes on and on. So PeytoninthePlayoffs raised an interesting question: Could you, just as you are, start at QB in the NFL and win a game, provided that the rest of your team features an All-Star lineup? I think yes, I could win ONE game with the nastiest team ever assembled. But maybe not. In any case, it got me to thinking yet again: if the Commish decided to kick the Raiders out of the league and asked us, the League of Champions, to form our own organization, what roles would we all take up on this new team?

1.(0) Money Manziel: After last week’s rankings PeytonInThePlayoffs was shocked he was removed from the top spot in favor of Money Manziel. My response was that he could reclaim first if he won. Instead he got demolished and thus MM reigns supreme at 3-1. MM had to take some risks with three heavy-hitting RB’s on the bye and survived. In our newly created NFL Franchise, MM would be the Tight End, strong and aggressive, equal parts blocker and Touchdown machine.

2.(0) Ma ma momma said: Well I guess the question of whether MMMS could win with Big Ben has been answered. Meanwhile, Murray seems to be the real deal and now has the 8th best 4 game start by an RB in the Super Bowl era. Let me say that again: DeMarco Murray, the Running back for the Cowboys, has put together the 8th best 4 game start by a running back...ever. I’m so glad we don’t have any Cowboys fans in this group because they might actually be good. Oh god I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. MMMS would be our Julian Edelman. That’s right, he isn’t being assigned a position. He is literally being assigned to be Julian Edelman. And just like back in the flag football days, he might be assigned on Defense as well as Offense. Do you guys remember when they actually happened with Edelman? How are the Patriots JUST starting to look terrible NOW?

3.(+4) Papa’s Posse: Look out, world! PP is balling out of control!!! Let us not forget he lost week one by .02. Otherwise he would be sitting at 3-1. He has the third highest point total on the year and looks like he made out great in the Vereen trade with The Show Off’s that brought Dwayne Bowe and Crabtree to the team. After absolutely slaughtering his own son, he now turns his fiery gaze to the struggle bus that is Shotti Bunch. PP would be our Retired Hall of Fame Veteran turned Owner and President. Someone who can handle our finances while also keeping an eye out for Matt Ryan to become available in Free Agency.

4.(+2) Flags on the Play: Just like in the NFL, a win is a win no matter how you get it. Unfortunately, Fantasy relies 100% on stats, so averaging 179.9 points per week isn’t going to cut it long for FOTP, especially with teams averaging upwards of 220 PPW. That being said, winning games against struggling teams is what keeps you in the hunt. And they get Denver’s heavy hitters back this week. Flags on the Play would be our Quarterback. But he wouldn’t be an elite QB. I see him more as like a Ryan Fitzpatrick, one of the Chads (Henne, Pennington, take your pick), or a Kyle Orton QB who keeps getting chances and does just average enough to get fired but still get another chance. And yes, I did just throw it back to Chad Pennington.

5.(-2) PeytonInThePlayoffs: Oh how the mighty are falling. In their defense, the entire bench was on the bye this week, leaving Peyton with some poor weapons, such as Calvin Johnson (3.2), DeSean Jackson (1.90), and Bobby Rainey (2.85). Wait, those are guys he starts every week? Yikes. This week’s Matchup against FlagsOnThePlay is a huge statement game. PeytoninthePlayoffs will be our shutdown corner who is a little bit out of his prime. He still talks a ton of shit but then he gets burned by WR’s every week and we can’t cut him because he just signed a huge extension.

6.(-2) The Shotti Bunch: I have been worried about this team since the beginning and their 162 point performance raises some serious concerns. For one, any time you put up less points than the worse team in the league (me), you should probably make some changes. Like Peyton, SB suffered from some poorly timed byes. The question is, can a team struggling to put up points afford to keep new acquisition Adrian Peterson on the roster on the off chance he gets to play? By then it might be too late. In any case, Shotti would be our star WR. Tall, fast, and with the cockiness to trash talk PeytonInThePlayoffs after he burns him for TD’s all week in practice, Shotti would be the face of the franchise. Until he gets traded for two future draft picks.

7.(+2) IAMGROOT: YOUARE...good? This team gives me such a goddamn headache. Are you good? Do you suck? Make up your mind. One week you put up one of the lowest point totals ever recorded in the history of the league. This week you drop 231 and put yourself back in to playoff contention. Here I was thinking I had a guaranteed win in week 5 and now I’m staring down the barrel of an 0-13 season thanks to this wild card team. IAMGROOT, you are our Defensive Lineman. You need to get to the QB before he lets go of the ball, because lord knows he is going to tear apart our secondary if he gets it off.

8.(-3) The Show Offs: I don’t know what to think of these guys, either. They have looked pretty average all season. Their 192 point performance wasn’t bad, necessarily, but it wasn’t impressing anyone either. In fact, that’s their average for the whole season. They really are the definition of average. But hey, in a league where everyone is fluctuating week to week, average aint half bad. Well, it is half bad. But it’s half good too! 6th place, 6th place, 6th place! I should stop ragging on them though, after all, The Show Offs is our coach! Coach, its 4th and 50, what should we do. “GO FOR IT, DAMNIT. And trade me Jamaal Charles for Marvin Jones!” Who? Oh, they would also have to double as our RB. We're a little thin on the roster.

9.(-1)Becky the Icebox: Join me, down here in the damp dark underbelly of the Fantasy Football Standings. It’s nice down here, just me, you, and Tom Brady’s 79.1 QBR. Becky’s performance so far this season (worst in the league in points scored..yes, worse than me you jerks) is a testament to how projections on Draft Day don’t mean shit. This was the team that was expected to run the table on all of us after the draft, and now it’s looking like they might be competing with me for the first overall pick in next year’s draft. Becky, you are our cheerleading squad. I know it’s a bit stereotypical, but they don’t allow girls in the NFL. Mark Sanchez was their only exception.

10.(0) Winter Soldiers: Everyone say hello to your team’s punter. That’s right, no one makes more of an impact on game’s than a punter. I promise you guys I will come in and do the best I can whenever I’m called to...what’s that? I’m..I’m cut? Oh well, I don’t think anyone wants me anyway. I’m a curse. Just like my team. Tom Brady is done, if not as the Franchise QB for the Patriots then definitely as a fantasy QB. Is it too late for Jamaal Charles to save the season? This squad could have a chance if the WR core, once viewed (by me) as a force to be reckoned with, can kick it in to gear. Right now the top scorer on the entire team is Devin Hester. That’s right, the guy who averages 3 receptions a week.

Baller or Bust?

Bust of the Week: Tom Brady as the first pick in the 3rd round was one of the dumbest picks of the draft. I honestly thought I got a bargain. QB’s with more fantasy points include: Jack Locker, Geno Smith, David Carr, and Brian Hoyer (wish we had guys like Hoyer).

Baller of the week: This is borderline, but I’ll call it a late round Baller pick. Andrew Luck is without a doubt the most automatic Fantasy player through the first quarter of the season. Shotti got him in the 8th round and he’s the top scorer in the league by 30 points.

All-Ball:

QB: Luck

RB: Sproles

WR: Steve Smith Sr.

All-Bust:

QB: Brady

RB: Martin (had a good week, we’ll monitor closely!)

RB: Peterson

Matchup to Watch: It will be pandemonium in the streets if Peyton drops 3 straight. Let’s see if FlagsOnThePlay can hand it to him. Also, what IAMGROOT will we see against Winter Soldiers? IAMBAD Groot or IAMGOOD Groot?