Lost in the Woods/transcript

## Transcript

[This episode begins at the park. Mark brought Mary, Mike, and Connor on a picnic.]

**MARK: Ah, what a wonderful day it is outside. Look at us, spending some quality time together during this glorious family picnic.**

[Mike is shown texting on his cellphone. Connor is shown sleeping. Mary is shown drinking beer.]

**MARY: Okay, Mark, we get it. You’re a good father!**

[Mark makes a face at Mary.]

**MIKE: You know, this picnic's starting to get boring. I think I'm gonna go for a walk in the woods.**

**MARK: (sigh) Whatever. Just meet us back here in an hour, alright?**

**MIKE: Okay, dad.**

**CONNOR: (raises hand) Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Can I come?**

**MIKE: I don't know, Connor.**

**MARK: Oh, for god's sake, Mike! Just stop being so difficult and just take Connor on your stupid hike!**

**MIKE: (slaps head) Ugh, fine! I guess I don't have a choice anyway since Connor's very impulsive.**

**CONNOR: What does 'impulsive' mean?**

[They go into the forest.]

**MIKE: Ah, the forest! A beautiful and dark atmosphere full of trees and bushes and animals and...you get the idea.**

**CONNOR: (tired) I’m so tired, Mike! Maybe we stop for a minute.**

**MIKE: Well, I am getting a little tired anyway. I don’t see why not.**

**CONNOR: I don't like this forest. It's dark and creepy.**

**MIKE: What do you mean, Connor?**

**CONNOR: This forest must have wild animals. There could lions... and tigers... and bears!**

**MIKE: (sarcastically) Oh my!**

**CONNOR: You see, Mike, we’re in a place called… (cut to text says 'The Forest of Doom') The Forest of Doom! (cut back to Connor) Legend has it that whoever enters it never comes out alive.**

**MIKE: And where did you hear that crap?**

**CONNOR: The internet. (moment of silence)**

**MIKE: Listen, Connor, I’m a grown man, okay? And grown men are not, and I repeat, (pokes Connor) not afraid of monsters. Sure, the only things I’m afraid of are scary logos and when my mom looks at my naked baby pictures! But I’m not scared of anything else!**

**CONNOR: Okay, but I’m just warning you!**

**MIKE: Yada yada yada! Enough already! Let’s keep walking! Besides you wasted five minutes of my time out here in these woods!**

[Time card: 30 minutes later...]

[They get tired.]

**MIKE: You know, maybe we should head back to the park.**

**CONNOR:** [Panting] **Yeah. I agree.**

[Mike looks for where they started.]

**MIKE: But which way to go? (shot of a dozen trails shaped like a star) There’s dozens of trails in this part of the forest!**

**CONNOR: Nonsense, Mike! We’ll find our way back! (looks around) I give up. We’re lost.**

**MIKE: Well, that was some great advice.**

**CONNOR: Why thank you, Mike!**

**MIKE: That was sarcasm, you idiot.**

**CONNOR: What does 'sarcasm' mean?**

[Mike screams, but it cuts to the next scene while he screams. We see them setting up camp with a campfire. Spooky noises are heard in the background. It sounds like 'Ooooooooooooh!!!']

**CONNOR: What the hell was that?**

**MIKE: That was probably your stomach rumbling.**

**CONNOR: No, not that, Mike! It sounded like “OOOOOOOOOOOOO”!**

**MIKE: Stop trying to scare me, you dolt!**

**CONNOR: Mike, I’m not doing this!**

**MIKE: (moment of silence; then bursts out laughing) That's ridiculous! I bet there’s a record player in this part of the woods somewhere.**

**CONNOR: What’d you mean, Mike?**

**MIKE: I’m saying this ‘forest of doom’ bullcrap is fake. They’re just doing this as a tourist trap. Besides, isn’t there already a place called “The Forest of Doom” in the show The Amazing World of Gumball?**

**CONNOR: I think so.**

**MIKE: Precisely, you see, the internet’s filled with a bunch of lies. Just look at Wikipedia. That website is not a reliable resource.**

**CONNOR: Yeah.**

**MIKE: And this so-called ‘forest of doom’ is some sorta Creepypasta story.**

**CONNOR: Oh, so that’s where I got it from!**

**MIKE: Ah-ha! Caught you red-handed, Wettermenn!**

**CONNOR: What do you mean?**

**MIKE: You got that from a website that tells “hyper-realistic” scary stories!**

**CONNOR: Ah, come on, Mike! They prove that they’re telling... (accidentally sticks his hand in the fire and screams) ACTUALLY true stories. (notices this when he takes it out of the fire) Ow! Hot hot hot hot hot! (blows fire off; close up of burnt hand, then cuts back to Connor) Like I said, I think that they're telling the truth.**

**MIKE: About finding some screwed-up lost episode on preschool shows?**

**CONNOR: Well, yeah. (stomach growls) Now this time it was my stomach rumbling.**

**MIKE: Okay, well, do you have some food in your pocket?**

**CONNOR: Well, I don’t remember putting any food in my pocket. We have plenty of food back in the park area where your parents are.**

**MIKE: Well, I didn’t bring any either. I wanted this to be a quick hike.**

[Connor lays down, growling in hunger.]

**CONNOR: (thinking) What am I supposed to eat now? (looks at Mike’s body; imagines Mike as a chocolate lollipop with three strawberry twizzlers on top) Yum! Chocolate lollipop with three strawberry twizzlers on top... (close up of Connor) I...must...feast... (speaks out loud with the word 'FEAST' spelled out) FEAST!**

**MIKE: Feast?**

[Connor attacks Mike in a fight bubble. Connor eats Mike’s clothes. Mike notices he’s naked.]

**MIKE: (screams) My clothes! Connor, you freaking dolt! You ate my clothes!**

**CONNOR: I was hungry.**

**MIKE: Now you completely ruined this hike for me! I should’ve gone on it by myself and left you back with my parents!**

**CONNOR: But if you didn’t have anyone with you, you would be lost and all by yourself.**

**MIKE: I don’t care! I’m gonna find my way back! I don’t need you! (flips Connor the middle finger) Screw you, Connor! I’m going home!**

[Mike leaves Connor behind.]

**CONNOR: (in tears) Wait, Mike! Don’t go!**

**MIKE: (mutters) Stupid Connor. I've shouldn't have been friends with him in the first place!**

[Mike walks toward a cliff and falls off it. He screams as he lands on the ground and keeps walking until he bumps into a strange creature.]

**MIKE: Hey, watch it, buddy!**

[He notices the forest monsters.]

**MIKE: Oh my god! Connor was right! Forest monsters are real! (they roar at him and Mike screams)**

**CONNOR: (offscreen) Hold it right there, monsters! (Connor arrives and is about to land on them)**

**BEAR: Uh-oh. (Connor beats them up in a fight bubble while Mike watches)**

**CONNOR: That’s for messing with my best friend! (spits on them)**

**MIKE: Connor, you came back and saved me!**

**CONNOR: Well, someone had to. Otherwise, you would’ve been dead.**

**MIKE: Yeah. Look, I’m sorry for yelling at you and not believing that monsters are real.**

**CONNOR: I’m sorry for eating your clothes.**

**MIKE: That’s okay. Now let’s get outta here.**

[They were about to leave until they got stopped by the park ranger.]

**PARK RANGER: Stop right there! Are you two responsible for destroying those monster animatronics?**

**MIKE: Wait a minute!**

**CONNOR: They were animatronics?**

**PARK RANGER: Of course they were. Forest monsters don’t exist! We built that forest of doom to attract the tourists.**

**MIKE: Ha! So I was right all along!**

**CONNOR: Okay, Mike. You win.**

**PARK RANGER: Also, why are you naked?**

**MIKE: Trust me, sir. You don't wanna know.**

**PARK RANGER: Well, it looks like you guys are gonna have to pay a big fine for all the destruction you caused to this forest.**

[Mike gulps.]

**CONNOR: How much?**

**PARK RANGER: (writes on notepad) 500 thousand dollars.**

**CONNOR: Mike, pay him! You have a ton of money from that sack of cash.**

**MIKE: (pays the ranger) I hate nature.**

[The end.]