Miracle Or Not? (Pl. Series)

"Cud Czy Nie?"

**Miracle Or Not?** *(Pl: Cud Czy Nie?)* is the first episode of Dominowojo's Polish version of Ghosts.

## Synopsis

Upon the passing of its former owner, Teresa and Janek unexpectedly inherit a house from her - The House Of The Poniatowski Family. They have big ideas for it, but little do they know the house is teeming with ghosts from the past: a crude caveman, a salty soldier, a feeble factory worker, a stuck-up lady of the manor, a jolly adventurer, a stern war officer, a teacher sliced in half and a sleazy car salesman! At first they know nothing about their existence, but not for long...

## Cast

* Teresa
* Janek
* Ogór
* Helmut
* Józek
* Beata
* Zdzichu
* Andrzej
* Antoni
* Jurek
* Stefan
* Magda
* Beata II
* Agent (Real estate)
* Mirek

## Script

*The following script was originally written in Polish and has been translated rather literally. Some bits of dialogue and stage directions may look confusing.*

### Scene 1: The Death Of Beata II

*In the old House Of The Poniatowski Family there is an ugly room with peeling wallpaper. There is also a large wardrobe and many broken drawers. There is also a bed, and in it lies **Beata II** who is slowly losing her breath - she is dying of old age. At first, the room seems empty except for her, but later the ghosts of the house appear: **Ogór**, **Helmut**, **Józek**, **Beata** (the First), **Zdzichu**, **Andrzej**, **Antoni** and **Jurek**. They all stare sadly at her; waiting for her to die.*

**Andrzej:** Soon. It will happen soon and then it will be over.

**Zdzichu:** Maybe not - maybe she will stay? *(He looks at the others, hoping they'll agree with him)*

**Ogór:** I've been through a lot. I doubt it. You always need a reason to not-moving-on-ering.

**Beata:** "To not move on", Ogór, not "not-moving-on-ering".

**Jurek:** Woman, stop disturbing, there's mourning going on!

**Beata:** You, Jurek, do not tell me what to do! I know when to show respect, I was brought up to always know when - -

**Jurek:** Now show some.

**Beata:** *(She calms down but with an angry grimace)*

**Antoni:** Let's think positively and reminisce about her life!

**Andrzej:** Well she didn't bother us too much.

**Jurek:** But she did walk through me once.

**Antoni:** She never could see us, so don't be angry with her.

**Beata:** I remember her birthday. She was born in 1930, in this very room.

**Ogor:** She olded.

**Jurek:** Well, I don't think she'd look exactly as she was born when she's dying of old age!

**Helmut:** By the way... You know, if she'd stay with us...

**Andrzej:** Yes, Helmut?

**Helmut:** …I'll be betting a tenner that she will...

**Beata:** Oh come on! She's literally dying!

**Helmut:** I'm only informing you in advance!

**Jurek:** Helmut, I'll gladly bet you on that, but you can't talk like that right now!

**Helmut:** Don't tell me what to do! You don't know who you're talking to! *(Points to the sword stuck in his heart)* I've sliced dozens of soldiers with this sword as if they were mere carrots!

**Jurek:** Now look where that carroty sword went.

**Helmut:** *(Instead of pointing at him, **Helmut** strokes his sword because he doesn't know what to reply with)*

**Antoni:** Guys! We we're supposed to be mourning!

**Zdzichu:** A tenner is ten Zlotys, right?

**Ogór:** If so, I'll bet too then.

*The ghosts begin to argue. When they do not pay attention to the already pale and immobile body of **Beata II**, her torso begins to glow with a beautiful blue-white glow. **Józek**, the only ghost who isn't arguing and seeing this, nudges **Andrzej**.*

**Andrzej:** What do you want, Józef?!

**Jozek:** *(His low voice is almost muffled by the ghosts arguing)* Her soul!

**Andrzej:** Repeat!

**Jozek:** Her soul!

**Andrzej:** Spit it out soldier!

**Jozek:** (much louder) HER SOUL! *(Grabs the area of his lungs and throat from the pain of talking)*

*The ghosts become silent - they see **Beata II**'s soul coming out of her body.*

**Andrzej:** Her soul?

**Zdzichu:** It's already happening!

**Helmut:** *(Quietly with crossed fingers)* Moment of truth…

***Beata II**'s soul is now completely outside her body. She looks sleepy but comes to "life" when she sees the ghosts.*

**Beata II:** ...W-who are you?

**Jurek:** *(To the ghosts)* Who's making the speech?

**Andrzej:** It's best if I do it. I'm the leader, after all. *(He walks so close towards **Beata II** that his body phases through her bed as begins to address her)* Hello Lady Beata Poniatowska II. I don't know how to say this more gently, but you died.

**Beata II:** I expected that. It's high time for me. After 92 years…

**Andrzej:** *(He puts his head down)* Yes… *(He puts his head up again)* And the answer to your question is this: we are the spirits of this house who have died over the centuries. From the earliest times of the Stone Age - -

**Ogór:** That's me!

**Beata:** That's obvious, because of your state of appearance.

**Ogór:** You're a state of appearance…

**Andrzej:** Even up to modern times.

**Jurek:** *(To **Beata II**)* Yeah, do you recognise me? Jurek Utop, from 2007? Oh how they talked about me on the news when I died!

**Beata II:** You were the man who got drunk and drowned himself?

**Jurek:** *(He realises that that didn't sound as good as he thought)* Well, Yeah.

**Antoni:** I was the teacher from '79!

**Beata II:** The teacher... Oh! Don't remind me what happened to you!

**Antoni:** It wasn't pretty...

***Andrzej** pushes **Antoni** to have a chance to say something too. As a result, his upper half falls to the ground but his legs remain standing.*

**Antoni:** *(Hitting the ground)* Oh poo!

**Andrzej:** And I was an officer in this house - -

***Beata II** unexpectedly flies to the afterlife before **Andrzej** can finish his sentence.*

**Andrzej:** ...From the time of the Second World War. *(Sighs)* Well, she's gone. They'll be taking her body from here soon.

**Helmut:** Lucky.

***Antoni** puts his top half back on his legs but the rest of the ghosts start to leave the room, knocking him back to the floor.*

**Antoni:** Poo…

**Ogór:** Now give the ten moneys.

**Jurek:** Exactly. She didn't stay.

***Helmut** is thinking what to do because he has no tenner. He comes up with an idea to steal two tenners from **Zdzichu**'s pocket. When he takes them and tries to give them to **Ogór** and **Jurek**, the tenners disappear from his hands and reappear in **Zdzichu**'s pocket. **Helmut** escapes through the wall.*

**Ogór:** What a cheater!

**Antoni:** What's going on? Did anything interesting happen? I can only see legs - but not mine!

**Jurek:** I haven't seen one like that before. But, actually, in 2000 there was a guy at the New Millennium party who wanted to tell me that the tissue he was selling could...

***Jurek** continues telling stories to **Ogór**. Everyone had already left the room - but **Antoni**'s upper half stayed, trying to get up without legs.*

**Antoni:** *(After several attempts, **Antoni** collapses to the ground from exhaustion)* Legs! Come here... Err, to my leg! Please... Ah, who am I kidding... *(He struggles to get up on his hands but manages to. He leaves the room)* Someday I'll get those legs...

### Scene 3: At The Notary

***Teresa** and **Janek** are sitting in **Robert**'s notary office. He takes the papers out of his cupboard. When he pulls them out, he examines them for a bit, then sits down at his desk and gives **Teresa** the papers.*

**Robert:** Here you go. To be honest with you, I was surprised that the owner died at this time, but well, yesterday was her time.

**Teresa:** *(Reading from documents)* "Beata Szedpowniowa Poniatowska II". The Second?

**Robert:** Yes, The Second, she had the same name as one of the previous owners. *(He shows her a page in the document where there is a photo of Beata I - one of the ghosts)* Here. Beata... Oliwia... Wiktoria... Biżuriowksa... Poniatowska... I.

**Janek:** All of those owned the house at the same time?

**Robert:** *(Laughs)* No, that's her full name. She ruled over the house from 1906 to 1920.

**Janek:** Damn, my name is only "Janek Nowakowski".

**Robert:** Not anymore, because by an old contract from 1433 that was signed by the first owner of the house, Sr. Grzegorz Poniatowski, whoever receives this house must now bear the surname "Poniatowski". That's what it says in that contract. *(He takes out a very old contract and hands it to them carefully)* It's this genealogical tradition.

**Teresa:** So I'm "Teresa Poniatowska" now?

**Robert:** That's right, plus your other names and surnames.

**Janek:** *(Takes the contract out of **Teresa**'s hands)* Me too?

**Robert:** Please be careful - and yes. The homeowner's partner also gets this surname.

**Janek:** Nice! *(In an elegant accent as he reads out the contract)* "Janek Nowakowski Poniatowski".

**Teresa:** So this Beata II - the previous owner - how old was she when ... You know ...?

**Robert:** Lady Beata was 92 years old when she died of old age.

**Jarek:** She must've been so old!

***Teresa** hits **Janek** on the leg.*

**Robert:** Hmm. You know, it's all a great honour. You are related to a long line of aristocrats, Lady Teresa. I said the same thing two generations of the Poniatowski Family before you. One of these people is, of course, the late Beata II.

***Teresa** looks at the chapter with the house's history.*

**Teresa:** Quite a few people have died in this house in that time, haven't they?

**Robert:** Oh yes. The House Of The Poniatowski Family is known for this - oh and how much.

***Robert** brings his head closer to **Teresa**. **Teresa** stops reading the document and looks at him curiously. **Janek** does the same.*

**Robert:** I don't want to alarm you, but I've heard many stories. The kinds about the people who died in this house. I know that the topic here is supposed to be professional, but I'd rather tell you so that you have the knowledge. There are legends about ghosts inhabiting this house…

**Janek:** Ghosts?!

**Teresa:** That's fine. We don't believe in those things.

**Janek:** *(Whispers to **Teresa**)* But I believe in them!

**Robert:** If so, I won't bother you. So what; do you want to keep it in the family?

**John:** *(With a certain tone)* No.

**Teresa:** Yes. We'd like to keep it.

**Janek:** What?!

**Robert:** Are you sure? I'll give you a few days to think about it - you don't have to make a decision right away.

**Teresa:** We don't need that much time.

**Robert:** Okay then. I'll go find the document for you to sign.

***Robert** leaves the office to fetch the document. **Janek** leans out to see if he's gone.*

**Janek:** *(When he decides that **Robert** won't hear him, he speaks loudly to **Teresa**:)* Teresa, are you crazy?! There are ghosts there!

**Teresa:** Janek, don't freak out! Ghosts don't exist!

**Janek:** But the legends!

**Teresa:** "Legends". Just because something is a legend doesn't mean it's true. Look, we need somewhere to live! You don't want to live with your parents again, do you?

**Janek:** Well, I do love them, but I don't want my mum to wake me up at 6:00 every morning. And for her to yell at me when I forget to mow the lawn.

**Teresa:** Exactly! We can also make money on this house! We can make it a hotel or something!

**Janek:** But listen to me! You won't convince me because - - ...Oh... You're right! Damn, you're smart - I can compare you to that... Uh... That scientist, what's his name... Alberto Ejnszten!

**Teresa:** Albert Einstein.

**Janek:** I wasn't that far off. But if there are ghosts there and they possess me, I will haunt you myself.

**Teresa:** You'll see, everything will be alright.

***Robert** returns with the document. He sits back on his seat and gives the document to **Teresa**.*

**Robert:** There you go, Lady Poniatowska.

**Teresa:** …Who?

**Robert:** You know, Lady Poniatowska. Your new name.

**Teresa:** Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I'll have to get used to it.

**Robert:** I understand. Now I am asking you both to put your signature as proof that you are the rightful owners of the house, you will have control over it and you will bear the Poniatowski surname.

**Teresa:** May I borrow a pen?

**Robert:** Of course. *(Gives her a pen)*

**Teresa:** Thank you. *(Signs and gives the pen to **Janek**)*

**Janek:** *(Examines it and presses it many times)* Hey, cool pen! It's waterproof, isn't it?

**Teresa:** Write.

**Janek:** Okay, I am… *(He signs the document)*

### Scene 4: Moving In

**Andrzej:** *(Trying to ignore the rest of the ghosts, **Andrzej** stares out the window. He sees a car parking in front of the house. He is slightly surprised)* Someone is coming...

**Beata:** What are you muttering, Andrzej?

**Andrzej:** *(Turns his head to the ghosts)* I'm saying that someone's coming! We should prepare for an attack. They may be enemies...

**Jurek:** Oh please! They are all enemies to you. A week ago when a pigeon shat on you and its poo went through you, you thought they were bombing Poland again.

**Andrzej:** It's not my fault that the pigeon ate a lot then! But this is different! *(Pointing through the window)* Maybe those in that automobile know that the last owner died and now they want to rob her old house!

**Zdzichu:** But that's terrible!

**Andrzej:** There are many terrible people in this world, Zdzislaw!

**Ogor:** *(He also looks out the window. The car door opens)* Someone is coming out of the walking box!

*Out of curiosity, all the ghosts also go to the window to see who is visiting the house.*

**Helmut:** Those carriages have really changed! They don't even have to use horses anymore!

**Jozek:** There were automobiles in my day that were very similar to this one. Only not from this company because it didn't exist yet. And they had no roofs. And I think they were only going 3 miles an hour. And this one is electric and those are not - -

**Beata:** Jozek, take a breath.

**Jozek:** *(He grabs his lungs in pain and glares at her)*

**Antoni:** *(Tries to jump with one half of his body to see something through the window but can't see anything)* Can someone help me?

**Andrzej:** *(Picks up **Antoni** and holds him in his arms)*

**Antoni:** Thanks.

**Zdzichu:** I had a car like that too. Vintage - that word comes from Irish!

**Beata:** From English.

**Zdzichu:** Beata, if you don't have an understanding, don't talk.

**Beata:** *(Rolls her eyes)*

***Teresa** and **Janek** get out of the car.*

**Ogor:** *(Points at them through the window. His finger literally goes through the window because he's a ghost)* The box gave birth to people!

*The ghosts are very curious except for **Jurek**.*

**Jurek:** Ogor, that's not how it works. We've talked about this before. People come from the moment a woman and a man - -

**Beata:** *(Hits **Jurek**)*

**Jurek:** What? I don't want to mislead him!

TO BE CONTINUED.

### Scene 7: The Boiler In The Basement

***Janek** is in the hall of the basement and is mentally preparing himself to enter it.*

**Janek:** *(To himself)* Janek, what are you so worried about? Do I really need to prepare myself mentally to enter a basement? No time to be afraid! You shall go there even if there are ghosts in that basement! *(He marches to the basement door - he then stops suddenly and turns around)* But there can be ghosts! We've already went through this! I know there are ghosts there! But that's not important! You better watch out, you spooks, I'm coming to you! I don't care that you exist! *(He walks through the basement door without thinking and closes it behind him)* I'm an idiot. But it's too late! You will fix this boiler here and now and today! I have everything I need to do it... Courage, hopes that I won't be possessed, faith that I will get out of here alive, *(Takes out a hammer)* and a hammer. Show me that boiler...

*In the dark basement, **Janek** is looking for something to turn on the light. He finds the string and pulls it. Just like the light, the ghosts of **Stefan** and **Magda** also appear behind **Janek**, looking the other way.*

**Magda:** *(She realises that **Janek** is here, she gasps in shock and whispers:)* Stefan! Stefan, wake up!

**Stefan:** (Wakes up from sleeping standing up) Hmm? what did you want? Magda? Why are you waking me up?

**Magda:** Why the hell are you sleeping when someone broke into our house?!

**Stefan:** What house? We live in a basement...

**Magda:** *(Nudges **Stefan**)* Don't be silly! You must protect me!

**Stefan:** Why me?

**Magda:** *(She looks angrily at him)*

**Stefan:** *(Because she's intimidating him)* Okay, okay! I'm gonna kick him out of here! *(He approaches **Janek** who is staring at the boiler and doesn't know what to do with it)* Er... Good morning. *(He wants to shakes his hand but **Janek** doesn't even see him)* My name is Stefan. And may I ask what are you doing here?

**Janek:** *(To himself)* I need to fix this boiler...

**Stephen:** Oh! *(To **Magda**)* This gentleman has come to fix the boiler! *(To **Janek**)* That's just perfect timing! It must have broken down a week ago, and the basement is so cold because of that!

**John:** *(To himself)* It's freezing!

**Stefan:** That's right!

**Janek:** How can you even fix this thing! God Almighty, it's like Antarctica!

**Magda:** Stefan, he's probably a living person!

**Stefan:** Why do you think that?

**Magda:** Because you can see that he isn't reacting to us.

**Stefan:** Are you sure? I think that you can see that he's answering me.

**Magda:** Check if he's alive.

**Stefan:** How?

**Magda:** Do something that will definitely make him react to you.

**Stefan:** Okay... *(He got stupefied - suddenly he gets an idea - he shows **Janek** the middle finger)*