recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Token Druid

**Token Druid** is a very special deck, made for a very special type of person. Scholars over the years have wondered whether the missing link between most primitive species and their more intelligent counterparts might itself have a less intelligent missing link. Such a creature is believed to have descended from the more intelligent, ape-like equivalents of today's token druid players.

Since it is virtually impossible to "play" Token Druid "well", we at Hearthstun feel like humanity would benefit a lot more from an inspection into these "people" and their "routines".

## Average Intelligence

Most of Token Druid's playerbase does not really understand enough about technology to go online to look for tips. Luckily, their deck requires no strategy. Scientists are still baffled, however, that such primitive lifeforms would manage to even build a deck. A prominent theory suggests that an evolutionary fluke made one of them accidentally put in enough random cards to create cancer, while the remaining ones hooted like apes before emulating the behavior themselves. A more believable theory proposes that non-Mongoloid acquaintances of theirs built the decks for them.

The average intelligence of the Token Retard dwindles per game played, meaning they are often found with dents in their skulls after the first few dozens of games.

## Mating Habits

Surprisingly, none have been recorded. Experts have long speculated about why Token Druids refrain from hiring escorts, until they finally concluded that Token Druids lack the brain cells required to function in society and thus, get any money. It is currently unknown how their populations don't dwindle, though it seems to be related to the spread of a mental disease that rots the brain, rather than actual breeding.

## Diet

In a constant struggle to do the one thing they can, Token Druids minimize time wasted on meals by eating:

* Their own shit
* Their own smegma
* Their own toenails
* Cheetos
* Dust off their screens
* Bits of plastic and paper that are small enough to fit in their mouths

## Conservation Status

Much to humanity's chagrin, Token Druids are nowhere close to extinction. Certain countries have taken it upon themselves to lower their numbers by any means necessary, but still struggle to make any real change. Unless someone steps up and proposes a national bill to round up and execute every Token Druid there is, chances are the plague is here to stay.
Twincast

**Twincast** is a mechanic introduced in Rise of Shadows that lets you gain effects from spells without losing resources. As such, it should probably amaze no one to know that Blizzard tried its best to make sure these effects were ~~lesser and weaker~~ nvm they created massive board buffs and summons with twincast. Fuck you, kiddo. Enjoy your Token Druid meta.
Salt

Whenever someone is exposed to Hearthstone's most notorious features for too long, they end up building large amounts of **salt**. Being salty is perfectly natural to any game and HS should not be criticized so heavily for it. Salt is also the primary ingredient for the building of Hearthstun.

## Variations

Unsurprisingly, HS has racked up so much saltiness it is no longer possible to merely reference salt as a single trait. Instead, people have created multiple memes about the endless frustration that is playing Hearthstone regularly.

### PJSalt

Used by Twitchfags mostly, it is supposed to portray the bitterness of a streamer, and somehow try to pretend the viewers are in any way more mature than the person they are watching. Employing it and other twitch emotes in real life (or anywhere else but Twitch) does nothing but make you sound and look retarded.

### Salt Thread

Linked to by fanboys who do not want to hear criticism aimed at their God, this is easily Hearthpwn's most popular thread. At least 20 new posts are made every day. This and the fact most HS matches are played on a toilet are the two main hints about Hearthstone's true nature.

### Kripp Salt Chronicles

Apparently Kripparrian's bitterness was good enough to create a series of its own all related to a shitty mode no one cares about. Whacky edits, shitty draws, and running gags. In short, the chronicles are basically Kripp-related YTPs. Kinda funny, but they get old fast.

### Saltlords™

Coined by Hearthstun, saltlords are the most elegant displayers of salt in the shithole that is the HS community. They are ready to wage war on the fiercest fanboys and will not hold back from delivering the harshest criticism to HS's flaws. Some dwell in the Salt Thread, unaware of their haven here, but soon enough, all saltlords answer the call.

### Babyrage

If your sense of humor is somehow too juvenile for a shitty Twitch emote, an inferior one was created for challenged life forms. Introducing Babyrage. Lower quality, completely unfunny, and somehow making idiots more prone to using it on non-Twitch platforms, Babyrage truly proved once and for all what the HS community is all about.
Rogue

**Rogue or the buttsex class** is the closest thing Hearthstone has to Blizzard itself. It hungrily deals with cash, it bullshits its way out of certain death scenarios, and it robs most people it meets blind. While most rogue players often jacked each other off to their illusionary skill for playing the class, KoFT has finally proven that, like everyone else, Rogue players are brainless scum.

## Identity

Once known for being tricksters, rogues have forsaken the maths and the thinking and instead became an aggro class thanks to Prince Keleseth. Still, completely unaware of the current meta as usual, Blizzard will continue treating the class as a tricky one, which fortunately means rogues won't get any aggro tools anytime soon, and instead will get:

* Cheap spells for Auctioneer
* Crappy stealth synergy
* Bounce cards
* Maybe ways to copy friendly minions
* Weaker ways to "steal" from their opponents
* Deathrattle synergies
* 2-mana secrets in a failed attempt for them to ditch Keleseth

Tempting as these may be, nothing beats the joy of winning with a shitty aggro deck, and thus this list is entirely pointless.

## The players

Rogue players are, by far, the most delusional of HS's community, surpassed only by the stupidest of fanboys. Their belief in fake superiority and skill couldn't be further from reality and makes them despised by everyone else, even the weak-minded hunters.

Despite their illusions being worthy of a single thread here, there is much more to be said about rogues, and you can bet none of it is positive in the slightest. Much like their in-game counterparts, rogues are smelly outlaws. However, instead of delving in the shadows and doing cool shit like that, rogue players, if anything, are morbidly obese hobgoblins who sell stolen TVs and can't sprint for shit.

In fact, they are often so disgustingly fat they can have a stroke mid-game instead of conceding. You can spot a rogue player when the fattest person in the room happens to smell faintly of doritos and has a severe case of unwarranted self-importance. Bonus points if they are atheists or Rick and Morty fans.
Shudderwock

"My jaws that bite! My claws that catch!"

**Shuddercock** is a Shaman legendary, and Blizzard's way to pay homage to both Jades and ropers in one fat piece of shit. Like Yogg, but far more reliable and less fun, this card takes 50 turns to set up, and then an extra 50 minutes to win the game. Of course, most people would rather concede than face all this, and thus this creates the illusion that Shudderwock Shaman takes skill.

Shudderwock analysis videos and endless butthurt of non-players, however, reveal that Hearthstone players have no idea how win conditions work, or are willing to pretend getting hit by a hundred and one vanilla "deal two damage to a enemy" wouldn't make them punch their monitors all the same.

From this, we can conclude that all Hearthstone Players are morons. ...which we knew already.

## Strategy

Shudderwock "strategy" often comes off as something like this:

1. Drop a bunch of miscellaneous battlecries as you go along
2. Drop Grumble, Lifedrinker and Saronite Chain Gang. The last two can be replaced by identical effects if you like to pretend you are inovative or if you play Wild
3. Heal back whatever damage you get hit with until you draw your broken 1-card wincon.
4. Dump two Shudderwocks with 10 mana.
5. Dump ten more the turn after.
6. Wait 15 minutes since you have nothing else going on. Alternatively, watch the enemy concede if he has literally anything better to do than watch your shitty cards again.

If you are in Wild, the enemy has more tools to fuck you over with, which means they will have great pleasure sodomizing you over and over as your Shudderwock is burnt, discarded or even stolen to end the game prematurely. Make sure you add them to congratulate them on their skill afterwards, since they clearly deserved the win more.
Secret Paladin

The true face of skill

**Secret Paladin or the Extra Cromossome Pride Deck** was Ben Brode's climbing deck and 2015's worst feature for HS. After TGT launched, several countries temporarily ceased their funerals since being dead was enviable compared to the shitfest this deck created.

Nowadays, Secret Pala is still an AIDS-ridden abomination of game design that shouldn't exist, but it only haunts Wild, which means Blizzard can pat themselves on the back for a job well done.

## Strategy

With so many counters to secrets having been released over the years, as well as huge board clears and even more bullshitty cards for all classes, the rapist very often becomes the rapee nowadays.

MC's tempo, after so much cancer, no longer feels like such an unfair swing as it used to be, which means you will most likely be dealing with more broken mechanics yourself, all while failing to establish the deck's tempo required to dominate or at least get close to winning when it first came out.

Additionally, after WW, paladins must either be Odd or Even decks, which means your 6 mana Mysterious Challenger can no longer go in the same place as your 1 mana secrets, and is thus obsolete. What will secret pallys do now?!
The Boomsday Project

**The Boomsday Project** was an expansion that hit HS sometime during the summer of the Year of the Raven. You may have heard of TGT 2.0, you may have heard of Naxxramas 2.0, but I doubt anyone's ever heard of GvG 2.0. As was much needed, the expansion promised to finally push Druid into viability, which meant forcing the class into Tier 0. It fucking kept that promise.

## Plot and Butthurt

Blizzard decided to up the ante on their baiting technique this year, creating a **MEGA BUNDLE** along with a normal one for preorder. The former comes with Mecha Jaraxxus, the objectively coolest hero skin of all time for the fair price of 80$. Naturally, poor people got pissed off, while their richer counterparts who also belonged to the Blizzard Cult quickly readied their forum shields, and Hearthpwn once more devolved into a flamewar that swept multiple threads.

## Theme

Dr. Boom is back, and ready to have another shot at glory. He will, however, be the center of the expansion this time, instead of an accidental broken-ass legendary that ended up overstaying its welcome in the meta.

You could expect:

* RNG
* Hearthpwn guessing shit wrong
* RNG
* ZOMG Magnetic new keyword! And, unlike Rush, it is doesn't make everyone want to decapitate themselves out of boredom!
* Mech synergy (although most of them are in Wild)
* RNG
* Filler cards referencing old GvG cards (this failed, actually, because the most powerful card in the set was supposed to be filler)
* RNG
* "Science", or whatever videogames consider science these days. This means the "fun" science and not the boring shit you ~~were~~ are forced to learn at school
* RNG

## Notable cards

Following Witchwood's example, Boomsday decided to give us very few cards that actually do anything to the meta. Some of them that do, however, include:

* Giggling Inventor
* Nothing else

## The stupidly catchy trailer

"OMG BLIZZURD WHY U TRET US LIEK CHILDREN?!"
Whispers of the Old Gods

**Whispers of the Old Gods, WotOG or the Japan fanservice expansion** is Hearthstone's ugly third expansion, and the first one to show up once the game was introduced to rotations.

Trying to be spooky but at the same time pleasant to the target demography made this expansion the weakest in terms of art.

## Theme

Tentacles, more tentacles, slime, slimy tentacles and weird cults around said tentacles. All 4 divine beings are octopuses of sorts and all of them are assholes. 1 however, is much cooler and crazier than the rest of them. The Old Gods have no gender and should be addressed as "it".

People and lesser creatures possessed by these entities enjoyed the amazing benefit of having tentacles sprouting out of all their orifices and bleeding disgusting ichor instead of blood.

## Notable cards

* C'Thun and friends - A shittier, weaker Jade deck everyone could run. Only some classes got C'Thun synergy, so he was effectively a multi-class card, all without destroying the game, unlike the others.
* N'Zoth - The edgelord of the Old Gods. Revives a bunch of minions and wins the game if he is not answered the following turn. Blizzard says he is balanced because he requires a deck built around him.
* Yogg - His article sums it all up, really
* Y'Shaarj - Completely irrelevant until Karazhan enabled memers and homebrewers to sprinkle some cancer on their janky creations. Now only sees play in Big Priest
Pirates

**Pirates** are history's most notorious rapists and plunderers turned into Hearthstone cards. As such, it comes as no surprise that these scurvy-ridden turds have become yet another cancerous tribe that shouldn't exist.

In a way, pirates are such a bullshitty, uninteresting tribe that even the Hearthstone community is aware of the misery they spread through the world. However, HStoners used to faithfully defend this tribe until the Gadgetzan Mistake, somehow believing anything other than cancer would happen if pirates were viable.

## Strategy

Blizzard expected pirates to only be used by weapon classes and was unsurprisingly wrong again. Every aggro deck ran at least two shitty small pirates just so Patches could show his autistic face and win games instantly.

Some players quickly found out that doubling down on the cancer would mean doubling down on the wins, and chose to bring murlocs to the table too. The resulting "Water package" created such a cancerous meta that not a single person in their right mind would defend Hearthstone during that time.

Blizzard, upon noticing the new cancer they had created, was surprisingly quick to react and gave us players yet another anti-cancer crab so we could freely destroy one of the many cankerous minions that quickly fill up the enemy board. For a change, it was not enough.
Rush

**Rush** is the poor man's charge, and so beloved by the community it """never""" generates any complaints. Introduced in a nerf to an OTK Warrior deck... err... I mean Witchwood, it basically does what charge would do if it were balanced and boring (one of which it already is).

## Why it is important

> "*This card would be too powerful with Charge, but with Rush...it's actually really interesting!*"
> ― Ben Brode, announcing the new mechanic[[source]]
>
>

Now Blizzard can claim they are going to stop printing charge cards forever, yet release Dinotamer Brann and Kayn Sunfury. They can also slap the balanced keyword on everything and make a whole new assortment of filler cards thanks to this. It also means Warrior gets a new forced archetype! But some people find Rush really interesting and look forward to building "new" decks with it.

## The Reality

In Blizzard's retarded wisdom, all this ended up was being arguably WORSE than charge. With Charge, minions were balanced out by the fact Taut was supposed to counter it, and Blizzard had to factor in the fact hitting face for a fuckton of damage out of nowhere is Bullshit. therefore, they all had pathetically low health, and ""reasonable"" attack most of the time. With Rush, their intended purpose is trading, so now, your opponent gets to either

A) Clear your minion while getting a vanilla stat even after damage

fuck over the entire idea of setting up for trades even more often

basically play more removal spells.

In short, the problem with Hearthstone, as with all card games, is that instead of being populated by pre-teen and children who just wanna play a big bad monster, it's full of shitters who unironically spend all their time trying to win with a deck they ripped of another shitter.
Skill

> "*Complaining about skill-less stuff in Hearthstone is like crying about nudity in a pornographic movie.*"
> ― Morkimus on Hearthpwn
>
>

**Skill** is perhaps the greatest of Hearthstone myths, popularly promoted by rogues, Blizzard, fanboys and other delusional fools. Unlike other similar lies, this one is particularly difficult to debunk, given that the only people that need to acknowledge the truth are the ones that fear it the most.

Most pervasive are the combo players who insist on this myth, which are under the impression that desperately spam clicking a hundred cards in a turn is somehow impressive, rather than a sad display of how they insist their shit is totally intended. Yes, like how every OTK combo in magic, yugioh, or whatever other abomination you play was a intended feature by the designers and not someone fucking up after desperately milking their cash cows for years.

In reality, hearthstone relies completely on whaling hundreds of dollars to netdeck, Praying to RNGesus, and using a deck tracker because indicators in hearthstone would make it too confusing for their target audience (idiots and children.)

## Things that everyone agrees require no skill

* Aggro
* Demanding nerfs
* Lucky draws
* Playing on curve
* Hunter
* Netdecking
* Pirate decks
* RNG highrolls
* Anything related to secrets
* Jade decks
* Tavern Brawls
* Shudderwock

## Things some people still think require skill, although they don't

* Mulligans
* Discover
* Combo decks
* Control decks
* Zoolock
* Tempo
* Reaching Legend
* Making homebrews
* Preordering
* Playing constructed
* Playing arena
Rotations

**Rotations** were an ingenious idea from Blizzard to once again dodge their duty to nerf problematic cards. Introduced at the end of 2015, they created the barrier between Standard and Wild. Clever Hearthstone players would be quick to notice this was just a lie to avoid nerfing Dr. Boom or Mysterious Challenger, but unfortunately, these players do not exist.

Somehow, after two rotations and several locked Hearthpwn threads, there are still players stupid enough to not understand how rotations work.

## Rules

* The Classic set never rotates, so F2Players don't bitch about this ploy too much
* Expansions are rotated out 2 years after the year they are released. The complex math of adding 2 years to a date might be the reason why so many players still don't get this rule
* Wild cards are meant to be unbalanced walking cancer, so Blizzard will pretend they don't exist
* Standard is, from now on, the balanced mode
* ~~Wild packs leave the store as part of a brilliant marketing decision and to avoid confusing new players~~ You can now buy all the Wild stuff from the store with gold!
* ~~Wild ladder has no rewards~~ Nevermind, Blizzard realized how apeshit Wild players went and reverted this choice
* Wild cards grant you no extra dust refund despite clearly losing value, but you totally won't regret dusting them anyway
* Old cards can still be purchased with real money, making them not only worth less, but also more expensive than before
* If Classic cards become too good and hinder new pack sales, Blizzard grants them a free trip to the Hall of Fame. If they are Basic, they get a cost-free reduction in power.
* Standard now has a much smaller and balanced card pool
* The meta is the same for both modes regardless

## The Big 2019 Heist

After the huge success of the Year of the Raven and the only two archetypes it was able to shit out, Blizzard realized HS would be dead in the water if Baku and Genn kept cancering up Standard. In a stroke of despair, they decided to ship the two cancers to Wild 1 year ealier, beating their record in shit design and openly admitting to it. This has never happened and, quite literally, proves that Blizzard has finally reached the point where they cannot handle their own cards. In other words, Hearthstone is dead.
Trolden

**Trolden** is a Youtube channel that is known for its series on Hearthstone "plays" called "Funny and Lucky Moments". It has hundreds of episodes, each featuring the good stuff of the newest expansion, and thus giving people the wrong impression about the game in general. If the expansion sucks ass, then the series must rely on older, staler content again. Usually, saying *"Hello Trolden!"* in your stream is the same as admitting whatever happened in your game required no skill.
Year of the Kraken

**Year of the Kraken**, known by some as **2016**, was the first year where the future looked bright for HS, before its hopes were crushed by a serious downwards spiral of low-quality additions to the game.

At first, all was well. LoE had closed 2015 with astronomical success and everyone looked forward to the next year. Little did they know, however, what Blizzard had in mind.

## Bad things that happened in 2016

* Rotations were implanted as a cheap replacement for nerfs
* C'Thun decks became a thing
* The hilarious 4 mana 7/7 meme
* Shaman became overpowered as balls
* Zoolock stopped being niche cancer and became mainstream cancer
* We were given the Filler Adventure
* Heroic Brawl was officially employed as a Blizzard strategy
* Yogg was nerfed
* **Gadgetzan made it through playtesting and was released, and thus:**
	+ Pirates were congregated in an unholy warrior deck, united under their scurvy-ridden leader
	+ Jade decks were born
	+ Reno Jackson (and soon enough all of LoE) became cancer

## Good things that happened in 2016

* We got rid of GvG and Naxxramas
* Priest became unplayable for a while, generating butthurt from thousands of fanboys and saltlords
* Yogg was born
* Call of the Wild was nerfed into unplayability, along with its class, generating even more butthurt

## See also:

* Whispers of the Old Gods
* One Night in Karazhan
* Gadgetzan Mistake
* Yogg-Saron, Hope's End
* Rotations
Squelch

**Squelching** is the reasonable act of forcing your opponent to shut the fuck up in order to concentrate on Hearthstone's intense mechanics. Being around since the game's beginning, it is one of the few times where Blizzard was surprisingly clairvoyant about the shittiness of their playerbase.

Most players with an average IQ of 70 (HS's majority) squelch on curve. This might be the one time where the community isn't entirely wrong as a rule.

## Auto-squelch

After several years of shittiness and cancer, players have constantly been demanding that Blizzard gives them a way to get rid of emotes forever. Blizzard, lazily, has stated that they want players to keep interacting with each other. This is actually quite ironic, given that Blizzard themselves, excluding Brode, would not touch the HS community with a 10-foot pole. It is quite obvious they either lack the technology or the willpower to improve Hearthstone, and would rather lie their way out of another mistake.
Secret Mage

And they all costed 0!

Once a forced archetype, this deck managed to rise after an endless supply of shitty cards, until the players had no choice but to play the damn thing and spread its cancer. **Secret Mage** is all about cheating in terms of tempo, getting free secrets and punishing the opponent for playing all kinds of cards in the early game.

## Strategy

Since not winning as secret mage is literally only achievable by the dumbest lifeforms imaginable, we are going to instead focus on what you do after you win.

* Don't screech like an autistic retard. We know it's against your nature not to do so, but you must stay strong. Your parents want to sleep and they'll kick you out if this keeps going.
* Don't add your opponent to trash-talk. Everyone knows your fragile feelings will actually make you easier to rape emotionally than anyone else.
* Pierce your parents' condoms. That way you might create another unwanted lifeform to play the game exactly like you do.
* Once your mission is accomplished, play 500 games in a row with the deck. Your brain has just enough power for one more thing:
* Give the world the happy ending it deserves.
Stealth

**Stealth** is an uninteractive minion ability that is consequently not endorsed by Blizzard in any way. As of today, permanent stealth is a very exclusive trait few cards have, since having no way to deal with a threat all game long is obviously not okay and only Blizzard needed to acknowledge that.

Stealth is often used as a way to keep a minion alive and ignored for a whole turn, or as another excuse for filler cards and forced archetypes for Rogue when Blizzard runs out of creativity juice.

You can also adapt minions into temporary stealth. Most of the time this choice is trash unless your other choices are really awful too.
Value

Maybe you have had the unmeasurable pleasure of facing a control deck with another control deck. Words might not be able to convey how exciting and skill-testing it was to play that near-endless match. Regardless of whichever of you won, what you used to beat the other was **value**.

Value is a crappy, almost undefined term that is mainly associated with cards that generate other cards. If said cards go infinite you are the greediest fucker around, bound to win against every control deck you find (perhaps), at the expense of losing to every other matchup.

## Things that generate value

* Discover
* Add a random X to your hand
* Wisp (there is a long, bullshitty reason for this unfunny meme, but that has long been buried in the past)
* Death Knights
* Whales (to Blizzard, that is)
* Trump's plays (it's value if he says it's value)

## Things that don't generate value

* Aggro
* HStoners in real life
* Missing lethal
* Filler cards
* Emotes
* Most hunter cards
* Packs
Tech Cards

**Tech cards** are cards you put in your deck in order to boost your winrate against a certain cancerous archetype, while lowering it against almost everything else. The best tech cards are good and playable on their own, while the bad ones range from atrocious pieces of shit to godlike gamewinners, all depending on who you're facing.

## Tech Cards vs Nerfs

It ~~is~~ should be fairly obvious why Blizzard would prefer printing out new cards that force players to spend their dust rather than nerfing problematic cards and thus giving players free dust. However, one should not be fooled. Nerfs are the best solution and every single tech card that tries to prevent one should be deemed a failure by the community.

## Tech Cards and Fanboys

Every single fanboy adores tech cards. It is unknown whether or not they jack off to them. Whenever anything broken is accused of needing a nerf, a clever way to protect their ticket to rank 15 is to point out that techs for it already exist, and thus it is balanced. Reminding them that the playable techs rotate out (unlike nerfs) might shut them up, which, while worthless, at least gives you some bragging rights.

## How many techs should I put?

Depends on who you ask:

* Fanboys believe that you have no right to complain until two thirds of your deck are tech cards
* Good players don't use techs at all
* Saltlords might make a whole deck just to counter something they hate, and go on emote-spamming winning sprees, all while conceding against everything else
* Netdeckers only put techs if someone else suggests it for them, meaning they might get endlessly raped by the same archetype until their favorite deck is updated on Hearthpwn
Second Dinner

**Second Dinner** is an actual small indie company to which Ben Brode fled with a handful of other Blizzard deserters once it was clear the game was going to shit. It has not done anything yet, but we can be sure something interesting is on its way, preferrably another rival to Hearthstone. China, as far as we know, still doesn't own it.

Brode has already given developer insights about card design, tips that actually sounded competent and sane. We can only assume Blizzard stopped him from implementing those in Hearthstone completely. This might, however, be a bait-and-switch, and Brode and friends might be instead preparing to create yet another first-person shooter.

Should the more fun alternative come true, however, one can expect a massive fanboy vs saltlord shitstorm, as per usual. Now that Brode holds no allegiance to Blizzard, not only has he lost the support of the fanboys, but he has also found unlikely friends in the fierce saltlords, who will gladly push forward any game to rival this one. The butthurt will flow!

## First Steps

Second Dinner has partnered with Marvel! It's true that the company is past its prime, but it still has plenty of power over millions of whales worldwide. If SD manages to bring out a game that caters to the masses instead of a few nerds (meaning no TCG, sadly), they might hit a home-run on their first try.

Also, they're hiring. You should join if you have any talent whatsoever. Even though you'll have to move to California, you'll get to work next to Brode, and that's all that it should take to sway you.
Zul'jin

**Zul'jin** is kind of a DK for Hunter. On the bright side, Blizzard managed to make it less grossly overpowered than DK Rexxar. Sadly, they failed to do much good on any other objective.

## Why you should put him in your deck

Much like Yogg-Saron, except less fun, Zul'jin rewards you for playing a game normally. However, instead of having a chance to shaft you, Zul'jin is always good! Becoming a staple in Spell Hunter as soon as Rastakhan's Rumble showed up, saltlords patiently await a nerf to the whole class, hopefully one that renders this card unplayable without actually changing it.

## What he does

Zul'jin is the Chuck Norris of cards. He:

* Clears the enemy board
* Refills your hand
* Summons a huge board for you (maybe with a couple of Huffers for damage)
* Plays a bunch of secrets

All while it is absolutely impossible to tech against him, meaning even fanboys struggle to defend the existence of such a card. Truly a textbook example of masterful design from Blizzard.
Rastakhan's Rumble

**Rastakhan's Rumble, or RR for short** was 2018's last expansion, ending the year in the great tradition of making a trailer's song its only noteworthy feature. Unlike the previous 2 messes, this one did not even have a powerlevel high enough to warrant a nerf to any of its cards.

## Teme, mon

Players would take their place in the Gurubashi arena, fighting Jamaican trolls for the amusement of king Rastakhan. To make things interesting, they would fight not only trolls, but also animals and their ghosts too.

We ended up fighting 2017's cards in an all new board, though, and the expansion bombed as horribly as you would expect from a 2018 shitfest. Hilariously enough, some whale kids still preordered this expansion, attaining the legendary status of thrice-scammed by Blizzard in a single year.

## Cansa cards, mon

* Zul'jin
* All other hunter cards
* Jan'alai

## Wat about da single playa, mon?

Rumble Run has been the worst thing we've ever seen so far. Worse than Monster Hunt, somehow, this brings forth the worst aspects of Dungeon Run while adding very little to the single player content we already knew. Even fanboys recognize how rushed out this one feels. It's that awful.
The Demon Seed

## Suicide Warlock

The only incentive Blizzard needs to give for you to play aggro

**The Demon Seed** might be among the most insane quests ever added to Hearthstone. While the top experts in psychology try to understand what drug-fueled hubris could get Blizzard to commit to such an obviously atrocious idea, most HStoners already know for a fact playtesting is not Team 5's strongest suit. The current leading theory for why such a bad decision was made chalks it up to guilt over the fact the remaining Warlock quests are utter trash.

### What Blizzard expected

It is quite obvious that most of the UiS questlines weren't meant to be exactly build-around cards. Blizzard, as always underestimating the pathological batshit insanity of their community, probably played most questlines as little bonuses to otherwise innocuous decks and patted themselves on the dick for a job well done.

This meant they probably got to completely ignore what happens when you build a whole deck around a stupidly designed questline - in particular a questline that is geared towards a very natural mechanic of Warlock as a class.

### What ends up happening

So, the grubby Warlock players go their hands on the quest. Contrary to Blizzard's expectations of Discolock hybrids, or whatever other janky experiments they might have fooled themselves into believing would happen, players immediately realized Warlocks can self-destruct in record time.

With the right cards, including Crystallizer and all the crappy little cards that damage you for card draw, you can quite easily get your due reward by turn 5, and reach fatigue a few turns later. Just keep drawing and let your opponent eat the damage!

### Ban in Wild

Blizzard was surprisingly and uncharacteristically quick to ban this shit in Wild. As if keen on resetting players' expectations, they backtracked on this decision shortly afterwards, and The Demon Semen is once again tainting the dusty gamemode - now presumably forever. It is fair to assume Blizzard was afraid of making Wild objectively superior to Standard by virtue of not having this quest in it. We can only hope they eventually see the light and come to grips with the real solution that must be put in place: moving the quest exclusively to Standard and never having it rotate out. Alternatively, they can always nerf it into unplayability and refuse to issue refunds to anyone that exploited the deck.
Standard

**Standard** is a shithole where players are forced to play weaker, less fun cards than those they could otherwise possess, all so Blizzard can later force them to keep buying slightly better ones, all while Wild mode already has the best tools.

New players believe Standard to be F2P friendly, while Wild is too expensive to play. In reality, they burn their collections every year for less than half of their value and get systematically robbed while Blizzard laughs at their stupidity.

## Arguments to play Standard

*"All the pros play Standard."*

Except the ones that are actually fun to watch.

*"The official tournaments are in Standard format."*

Which does not matter since most players suck too much to ever make it that far.

*"Wild is cancer."*

All of Hearthstone is cancer.

## Facts against Standard

* It is a systematic cashgrab
* Stagnant, fetid meta for a whole year
* Lets Blizzard get away with horrible design choices
* Unfriendly towards players with incomplete collections
* You are sentenced to fall behind unless you spend money
* Your investments are worth even less now that your digital cards have an expiration date
* Don't fucking do it!
Whales

**Whale Costumers**, also known as **paypigs** are the paying portion of the Hearthstone playerbase. Their ~~hopeless addiction~~ passion is what compels them to ask their parents to spend dozens of hundreds of dollars on this game every time Ben Brode lets out a silly laugh. In short, these idiots are responsible for the continued blightful existence of this game, and unfortunately, unlike real whales, they are nowhere near extinction.

## Behavior

Whales are easy to spot thanks to their insufferable obsession with golden cards and their desire to somehow complete the impossible task that is obtaining a full collection in this game. They are also staunch defenders of Hearthstone's many flaws, given how much money the~~y~~ir parents have helplessly dumped on it already.

When the average Whale isn't masturbating to the percentage of cards they own, they can be found googling the average size of the human penis, ~~often~~ always finding out they are hopelessly below that. Once they are reminded of the harsh truth, they often dump a few more bucks in Blizzard's pockets in hopes of compensation.
2014

**2014, The Great Apocalypse, Year of Divine Wrath, When the Gods Descended From the Heavens and Raped Us All, Brodemaggeddon** was the year when Hearthstone escaped the minds inside which it was confined, and thus all Hell was let loose. Less relevant shit happened too, but this serious event casts a shadow on all of them.

## Chronological Order of Events of Tragic Magnitude

* Hearthstone has its unholy birth, all creatures in the world become infertile for a whole month to mourn this.
* Tavern Brawl becomes a thing, everyone smiles for two seconds before getting fed up
* Arena becomes a thing, everyone yawns
* Face Hunter facefucks everything and everyone, Blizzard holds back on the nerf bat because all their resources are focused on designing Banana Brawl
* Face Hunter gets a nerf that doesn't kill it, but at least makes it only OP instead of broken
* Curse of Naxxramas becomes the first HS adventure, bringing forth the dark age of Undertaker Hunter. Blizzard, unused to the idea of giving away guaranteed legendaries, makes sure most of them are dog shit at worst and janky shit at best.

* Undertaker gets nerfed... eventually, killing the card and all its decks for good
* Goblins vs Gnomes arrives, ushering in a new era for HS, an era where skill could be even more disregarded than it already was. This culminates at the end of what can only be called the **Year of the Dice** or the **Year of RNG**
The Grand Tournament

**TGT, The "Grand" Tournament or The Expansion That No One Gives a Fuck About** was a failure of an expansion that was not relevant until every single good card prior to its release rotated out. Meant to save everyone from the dreaded Patron Warrior that was shredding through everything and everyone since BRM, it instead introduced two awful mechanics that failed before their first week, and was then promptly ignored until April 2016.

## Theme

Players were expected to marvel at the colorful theme of jousting knights and bumbling squires, all while the cheerful tone of Hearthstone made it all the merrier.

Of course, this still being Blizzard, we got a bunch of unwelcome shit bundled in this expansion too, such as dragons, murlocs, mechs, pirates and soon-to-be not shitty totem synergy cards. In short, the expansion was all over the place.

## Joust

Instead of 1 proper, balanced mechanic, Blizzard gave players 2 failed ones instead and called it a day. The first and notoriously shittier one is joust. 1 minion from each deck is pulled out. If yours costs more, something that isn't worth it happens. If not, then you just played an overpriced vanilla minion.

The only way for joust to work would be if the minion's stats were good by themselves, and that only happens if you are playing small minions. Coincidentally, decks that play small minions have few big minions, and thus have reduced odds of winning jousts in the first place. Employing this logic, even a dumbass can figure out why joust failed as a mechanic.

## Inspire

Perhaps the least shitty of the two, inspire was just slightly more playable because it at least saw some guaranteed value the turn it was played. Usually the card would have its stats according to its effect and mana cost, but without keeping in mind the two mana you'd have to spend for your hero power to inspire the minion. This made you pay 6 mana for a 4 mana minion and whatever its effect was.
Ranked

**Ranked** or **Ladder** is a stacked tower of identical inbred cunts who you'll have to face in order to get your salary at the end of the month. The more people you make miserable, the better your reward is. If you manage to make yourself the most miserable of everyone, you get a special bonus the first time you do it.

While climbing the ladder, you will often think things like: "Why am I doing this?", "Who the fuck are these "people"?" or even "What's the point?". It is best not to dwell on these questions for too long, and instead get back to climbing. Those two different top-tier decks aren't going to face themselves 50 times in a row, now are they?

## Tips for climbing

1. Get a retch bucket. You'll need to throw up every two matches once you get some speed and habit going.
2. Lock your doors and shut your windows. You *will* get loud.
3. Get some porn ready. You never know the different strategies you'll have to deal with while climbing.
4. Open the Salt Thread. You'll need it.
5. Remember what you are fighting for.
6. Perform RNG-checks before every session. Do this by playing a Mad Bomber. If 2 or more of the bombs hit you, your luck is on the crap sector today and you should **not** climb.
7. Offer a tribute to Blizzard
8. Study hard so you might develop a cure for cancer afterwards. Goodness knows you'll need it.
Warlock

**Warlock** is currently the number 1 contender to get fucked over by Blizzard next expansion over a forced archetype, and will continue to be so until Discolock stops being the shittiest thing ever. Asides from that, warlock is also the class with the best hero power in the game, which means it is forever sentenced to have the worst class cards ever.

## Identity

As Blizzard continues to design crappy discard cards, it becomes harder and harder to remember archetypes that weren't as forced and/or awful. Little do most players know, but warlock used to be more than a shitty pile of shittier discard cards, being able to:

* Fill the board with annoying little minions and win like a retard
* Fill up their hands until they could drop a cheap Mountain Giant and win instantly
* Play Reno decks to make aggro players rage thanks to their infinite draws
* Actually change class so they don't have to play Blizzard's crappy warlock cards
* Play demons with huge-ass drawbacks

Now, however, thanks to Blizzard's pigeonholing, they can also:

* Self-harm
* Resurrect demons with said drawbacks
* Hand over their shitty discard based minions to the enemy
* Discard all their win conditions and lose pathetically
* Clear the board every fucking turn

## The players

Warlock players put the children in children's card game. Funnily enough, these kids get the most triggered whenever anything aimed at children appears on Hearthpwn, and flock to the darkest class just so they can prove their maturity.

Aged between 4 and 13, these angsty, doomed, young souls might have earned Blizzard millions, not only spending money from mommy's credit card, but also earning them mad support from pro-abortion groups who need propaganda.

Assuming none of the parents give the kid the beating he deserves, the warlock main ends up becoming an emo or a pervert, and might then change class to ruin the most of HS he can.
You

**You** are the person who is reading this. Given that you are doing that instead of editing Hearthstun articles, you are not being productive. With all that being said, you *do* know about Hearthstun, which already makes you ten times more badass than the average HStoner.

## Facts about you

Hearthstun Wiki has compiled enough information about you to make a little horoscope about who you are.

* You are probably more knowledgeable about Hearthstone than the average person.
* With all that being said, you are not from China
* You probably have a bone to pick with Blizzard
* Your salt levels are probably higher than the average person's
* We fucking mean it. Waaay higher
* You probably don't give a shit about arena (because no one does)
* You are either free2play, or you regret being a whale in the past
* If neither of the above are true, you have probably quit HS already
* You probably started playing somewhere between 2014 and 2016
* If you frequented Hearthpwn, you probably dejected to Out of Cards in 2019
* You are probably proud that only half of this applies to you. Get a fucking grip
* You have a love-hate relationship with HS. Anyone who isn't delusional does
Rango

Rango is a 2011 American comedy action film directed by Gore Verbinski starring Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher, Ned Beatty, Bill Nighy and Alfred Molina.

## Why it's great

* The animation is outstanding and creative
* The characters, except the Major, are all likeable and awesome, especially Rango and Rattlesnake Jake.
* The twist is good
* The musical score is really catchy
* The action scenes are well executed
* The humor is clever and funny
* Beans is a strong female protagonist
* The cast performances were great, especially those of Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher and Bill Nighy.
* The message is powerful and motivational.
* It references a lot of popular films especially Western legends like Clint Eastwood

## Bad Qualities

* The theatrical version is not long enough

## Reception

The film was positively welcomed from audience more than film critics. It even won an Oscar for the best animated movie.
Salt Chronicles

**Salt Chronicles** are basically YTPs about Kripp's salt with the joy that is playing arena. As of today, the salt mines seem to have closed for good, leaving thousands of disheartened losers with nowhere else to turn to find Kripp's hilarious salt (except his stream).

Between snipers playing around Kripp's hand, Kripp using the most predictable vocabulary to complain, and the underwhelming misery of watching the crawl that is a lost arena match, it is hard to tell what is more exciting about these chronicles.

What, for the lack of a better word, redeems it is the editing of new clips with running gags as ancient as GvG by now.

## "Editing"

To make a new episode of Salt Chronicles, here is what you need to do. First and foremost, find a fresh Kripp arena stream. It doesn't matter the day, Kripp will ALWAYS complain. Then, just follow this table.

 "10 topdecks in a row is like, give me a fucking break, dude."
 "Oh my God what a disgusting draw!"
 "Get fucking tyrannosaurus rekt! Look at that, hooooly shit."
 "Dude! This guy's deck!"

Of course, as time goes on, you gotta mix things up a little, be it through sentence-mixing, clips from Seinfeld or just by having Kripp face off against himself. Example:

"Get so far and then... super super drooling tyrannosaurus dogshits on my disgusting face. And I'm a drooling noob." [Insert Seinfeld "that's garbage" here] Easy peasy!
Reborn

**Reborn** is a shitty keyword that was introduced in the Saviors of Uldum expansion. It is essentially a deathrattle that resummons the dead minion with 1 hp left, but shhh, let them pretend this is groundbreaking.

We should consider ourselves lucky that most of these disgusting cards proved to be a failure, since the sheer annoyance generated by the few good ones is not good for anyone's salt levels.

## Cards with reborn

* ~~Harvest Golem~~
* Khartut Defender
* Bone Wraith
* Restless Mummy
* Grandmummy
* Winged Guardian
* Uh... that 2/2 mech for Paladin?