Headhunters 5: The Magnificent Seven

## Introduction

Bonjour! Un nouveau pays, mais le même découpage. Je vous écrit du Québec et je suis heureux d'être encore en vie. On ne peut pas en dire autant de Scott. RIP.

## In Memoriam: Never Done This Before AKA Hoyer the Destroyer AKA Billy Jeans Ride or Die

This week we finally say goodbye to the team with as many names as dollars left in the bank at the time of their demise. I would call it an untimely demise, but it was pretty timely.

The week started with Billy Jean buying Calvin Ridley for $21, but then benching him for Christian Kirk who scored 8.40 to Ridley's 34.10. Sad to say it's that time of year where teams have a bunch of players who are all of similar caliber and you have to roll the dice on who to start. Turns out this was the first time Calvin Ridley decided to show up since opening week of the season. Who woulda thought?

But really the bad luck started on Thursday night. When faced with a choice to ride or die, Mark Andrews chose die. And that seemed really bad, except for the fact that his buddy Headless Horsemen lost Joe Burrow moments later and the eye of Glorio turned towards him, leaving Billy Jean Baggins unwatched.

One of the untold stories of this season is that Headless Horsemen was introduced to the league by Billy Jean, and the two teams had a side bet going for who would last longer. The winner gets $100 worth of beer from the Tree House Brewing Company. With Andrews and Burrow both going down, it really seemed like this week was for all the kegs.

The suck would continue for Horsemen as he lost Aaron Jones and De'Von Achane. But while Horsemen lost players, Billy Jean had players that just looked lost. A.J. Frown made fantasy manager miserable on Monday night, especially Billy Jean who was toe-to-Matoemes with Patrick Mahomes heading into the night. Geno Smith was GeNO good in the 4th. And Hollywood Brown wasn't anywhere on set, leading the director to yell CUT at the executioner in charge of chopping Scotty's head.

So there you have it. Scotty bid big early and made some amazing moves to keep his team going. But he failed to crack the riddle of Calvin Ridley and succumbed to injury, as so many teams do in Headhunters. So now Headless horsemen will be sipping some free beer and heading to week 12, while Scott is forced to go back home to his beautiful family like a chump.

Billy Jeans Ride or Die:

## Dead Money

Keeping track of all the cash that never got spent by teams that are now eliminated.

Dead Money 2023

$1 left to his name. A tragedy.

## Top New Releases

1. AJ Brown
2. Jahmyr Gibbs
3. Justin Fields
4. Tyler Lockett
5. Christian Kirk

## Week Eleven Bidding Results

### Quick-Hit Thoughts

* Last Year's Most Expensive Player: Jakobi Meyers - $45 (Out of Luck)
* Biggest Overpay: Rachaad White ($29 over next highest bid - Müller Lite)
* Narrowest Margin of Bid Victory: Jerome Ford ($6 over next highest bid - Müller Lite)
* Ty Chandler more like Why Chandler? Also RIP Chandler Bing.
* Bad Boys ending up with Tyreek Hill basically makes all his wheeling and dealing worth it.
* Müller Lite at the phase of the season where he has more money than he knows what to do with.
* Baker Mayfield is one of those players that I just genuinely never think about. Like I know he plays for the Bucs but sometimes i'm like "or is it the Saints?" And speaking of the Saints, amazing that a team can be in first place and also completely irrelavent. I'm sure they are still a franchise but maybe not.

## Excessive Spend

Excessive spend is anything over a single dollar more than the next highest bid for the player you won, and does not take into account the talent level or value of the player.

Bad Boys super impressive considering he has spent over $1,000 this season.

## Week Eleven Results

* Biggest Climber: Müller Lite/Henry VIII (^3)
* Biggest Faller: Obi-Wan Mahomie (v4)

## Draft Dodgers

Only one pick in the 6-11 range has been eliminated.

## Kings of the Castle

### 1. Jeff Probst' Tribe

They call him Jeff "Brittney Spears" Probst because oops, he did it again. The man has been in New Zealand for two weeks and has yet to finish outside of 1st. At this rate he needs to stay over there until he finishes below the top spot, like when you have to pee but your team is mounting a comeback so you have ot just sit on the couch in the same position and hold it. Seven players over 23.90 points this week. Nuts.

### 2. Monty's Python

Jalen's performance Hurt but not enough to drop them out of the throne room. Aiyuk, Aiyuk, Aiyuk is on fire. D'Andre "Taylor" Swift has got Fantasy managers thinking they're in a love story. C.J. Stroud is a C.J. Croud Pleaser.

### 3. Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack

There is such an animal magnetism to this team. They rarely finish first but they are constantly lurking towards the top and with all the shit they have pulled in the trade room over the last month, I have to imagine they are actually the best team. Bijan, Alvin, and Rhamondre all had byes this wek and so they had no choice but to finish in third with fucking Devin Singletary and George Nose Pickens.

### 4. Müller Lite

Money Bags Lite was lite on breakout games, but got okay or better days from everyone besides Tyler Avoid. The big ticket was a duo of fantasy ballers in Kyler Murray and Justin Herbert, two guys who didn't lead their teams to wins but looked fucking great losing. This team could have reached even greater heights if they had not benched James Cook and Rachaad White (over 20 points each).

## On the Chopping Block

### 7. Obi-Wan Mahomie

Patrick Mahomes willed his way to 30 points for his homie in a week where not much was going right aside from the usual Mike Evans getting enough yards to keep his 1,000 yard season pace alive and CMC toying with defenses as usual. Josh Jacobs and Stefon Diggs did not give Obi his money's worth this week, but surviving on off weeks from superstars always feels good.

### 6. Headless Horsemen

A pair of Ds saved this head from being prematurely ejaculated from the league this week, as DJ and DK gave new meaning to DMs (that's their initials) and double-teamed this team to completion.

### 4. Henry VIII

This bitch has been down in this section all but I think one week this year, but they are still kicking.

## Unique Players Started

How many unique players (Defense included) were started by each team. The table can be sorted by players and also by week eliminated.

## Rulers of the Kingdom

2023 first place finishers:

Stay hot, Kiwi.

## Dungeon Dwellers

2023 teams that finished second-to-last, narrowly avoiding elimination:

wild difference from last week.

## Single Season Scoring Records

As teams get eliminated, their single season performance will appear here. Bolded lines indicate performances from the current season.

Billy Jean is the first team to break 2,000 points and get eliminated in 2023. He finishes JUST shy of his total from last season.

## All-Time Combined Points Scored

Same as above: eliminated teams will have their 2023 season added to the total. Bolded lines indicate that the record has been updated through 2023.

Matt Jinx. I thought for sure Billy Jean would muster enough to break 10K but they fall just short.

## Conclusion

Apologies for any spelling errors or other mistakes. Not doing a 2nd draft of this baby today. First week back at work and daddy's tired.