Dougie One-Nut

Dougie One-Nut (b. February 12, 1965) is a bartender, priest, former nominee for Supreme Court of Tuscolo, oligarch, world-record long-jumper, politician, philanthropist, and innkeeper native to New Astoria on Tuscolo.

### Early life

Dougie One-Nut was born in New Astoria in 1965 with a Cyclopean testicle (a fancy way of saying that he just has one large nut). Shortly after his birth, his mother dropped him on his head, leading to a major concussion and mild brain damage. As a result, Dougie acts in a somewhat peculiar manner.

### Priesthood and watering can

From an early age, Dougie has always been an active church-goer. As a result of his faith, determination, and ability to influence the upper members of the church, Dougie became a fully ordained priest at the age of 8 years old, by far the youngest to ever do so. While he never actually had his own church, his ability to make a temple at any place on command for 24 hours meant he always had a place of worship of his own. His sermons often involved the Lord's Prayer (as he ended almost every thought with it), and this made him extremely popular among everyone he ever tried to bring to his church. Priests aren't allowed to marry, but Dougie still wanted to have a ring, so he wears one on his ring finger anyway. At some point, Dougie felt that he was not worthy of being as popular or dashing as he is, so he started to wear a watering can over his head. Ever since then, he eats and drinks by putting nourishment through the top of his watering can.

### Long-jump records

While the least important aspect of his skills is his ability to long-jump, he holds the world record for the long-jump. This record is unbeatable by mere mortals, and will stand for the rest of eternity. Even if futile humans ever use steroids, jetpacks, or the greasiest Taco Bell meal for fuel, Dougie's record stands at a staggering 200 feet. Due to a lack of practice, he can only go about 50 feet, which is still far above what Olympic level athletes are capable of.

### Politics

In 1984, Dougie decided to run for office. In a complete and unprecedented upset, Dougie won the mayoral election in New Astoria in the biggest landslide underdog victory the town has ever seen. He is noteworthy for pushing his work off on other officials, and allowing gangs to begin to gain power. Under his term, there were no controversial decisions made, and whenever he was in public, his signature watering can brought tears to the eyes of the people. His religious background also never got in the way of his work, as all he ever did was try to spread the Word of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to the uninformed masses. However, he did do one thing for himself: the day he left office, Dougie issued a proclamation granting himself the title "Oligarch," because he liked the sound of the word.

### Attempted assassination

On the night of April 2, 1985, Dougie was the target of an assassination attempt by notorious serial killer Hans the Tapper, who overpowered the guards outside the mayor's residence and forcefully entered the home by breaking a window with his croquet mallet. Dougie, having been woken up by the commotion, readied himself for battle. The two faced off in a fierce fight, and Dougie seemed to be losing, until he unleashed the mighty spell Look! It's the Pope!, causing Hans to collapse on the ground, screaming in terror at the vision of an angry Pope John Francis appearing before him. He was apprehended shortly thereafter.

### Doomsday (May 16, 1986)

The day that will be remembered forever in infamy: Doomsday on Uriah, when most of the planet was destroyed in full-scale nuclear strikes over the span of about two hours. Or, in Dougie's case, it was just another day in the office. He actually saw the news, tried to ignore it, and came to the conclusion that Jesus would admonish him for not doing anything. He therefore attempted to send missionaries to help, but none of them came back (it is unknown whether they were killed or whether they just decided to become warlords on Uriah). Thus, after much soul-searching, he resigned from the mayoral office on July 7 to atone, marking him as the only person since the start of New Astoria's gang warfare to leave the office without getting killed.

### Supreme Court nomination

After leaving office, Dougie went back to his roots of being a priest. This went well for several years, with his church remaining prosperous, and finally having a church building after using his spell in the same spot every day for a year. In 1997, Dougie One-Nut was nominated to the Supreme Court of Tuscolo, an offer which Dougie was more than happy to accept. Unfortunately, more than half the members of the Tuscolan Senate had charm immunity, and as such he was not actually appointed to the position. However, something odd now happens whenever he hears both the words "supreme" and "court" in conversation.

### Philanthropism

The act of giving to the poor is something that any man should make sure to do, as Jesus himself would have done the same. Dougie himself has given several bottles of beer for free to those who he deems worthy (basically anybody who talks to him and has a conversation.) The most generous man of our time, he truly is an inspiration for all.

### Tavern and Inn

In 2003, Dougie became the owner of his own tavern and inn, at which famous guests such as Goud Lofid have been seen grabbing a drink. Notable for being the only place in town where one can get alcohol due to the good graces of the law enforcement and his status as former mayor, his tavern always has crowds of locals. Gang members are never seen, however, as they do not consider themselves worthy of Dougie's presence.

##### References

1. ↑ Mostly False. Dougie One-Nut was not elected because over half the Senate did not agree with his political viewpoint, and as such did not vote for him.