General Sam

## Introduction

General Sam is a controversial YouTuber, titty-streamer, failed outdoorsman, practitioner of the criminal transmission of Super AIDS™ and podcast-man. He is mainly known for producing the worst content available on the internet, and for looking like a lesbian Ed Kemper. His podcast, "Foreskin Fables", tackles many important topics such as advanced masturbation techniques, the ethics of having non-consensual sex with zombies and how to get away with murder. His fanbase consists of racists, retards and rapists. He’s generally, at best, a piece of filth. At worst, a biohazard to any and all that cross his path. His forehead is the size of a Sears parking lot and I’m surprised Abby hasn’t held a pillow over his nostrils, allowing the whispers of death to take him in the twilight hours of night.

## Early Life

General Sam was born as Samantha McJewerstein sometime in history. The location was berginsteinvile. At his birth, he was identified as a girl since his penis was too tiny for the doctor to see. Ever since then, Sam has contested this claim and now identifies as a man.

It didn't take long to realize that Sam was retarded, and as such he was committed to "The Tallahasse School for the Mentally Impaired". At this school, he failed every grade, made no friends and subsequently dropped out of high school after having been caught molesting himself with a broom. The janitor said in an interview with local news station WTXL ABC 27 “I couldn’t believe how much shit covered the broom….by God, why would he go bristle end first?! There is no logical reason!…I can’t do this anymore!” That janitor was Eric David Harris. Many believe Samantha to be the one to finally push him over the edge.

## Downfall

After failing high school, he began working as a hot air balloon repairman. However, he didn't do much repairing and instead ended up sabotaging each air balloon, killing roughly 16 people. Before his boss could report Samantha to the authorities, he died under mysterious circumstances.

With the cops breathing down Samantha's neck, he decided to move in with her mom where he could stay hidden. This is when he started his YouTube career. The first videos that were published were criticized for being "unethical, illegal and repulsive". The reason for this backlash is that Samantha uploaded videos where he dressed up as a KKK member in a videogame called "Rust", and he would hunt down people with black character models and call them racial slurs.

During his time at his mom's house, he became lonely and started coming up with different methods of masturbating. One of these methods involved having sex with a wall in the shower, and sadly the wall was diagnosed with Super AIDS™ . Many know this wall as Ron Woodroof. Played by Matthew McConaughey in the award winning film “Dallas Buyers Club.”

After growing tired of banging the wall, Samantha kidnapped a girl named Abby from a different school and forced her to live with him in his mom's house. This led to his incarceration. He was charged with kidnapping and was sentenced to fifteen consecutive life sentences in an undisclosed location in Tallahasse. Abby also tried to charge him with sexual assault, but due to the fact that Sam never managed to get her "penis" hard he did not have the necessary size needed to perform penetration. Abby went on to have two children with a different man, but Sam claims that these children are his in an effort to prove the he is not a virgin (he is).

Currently, Sam produces his content from the confines of her prison cell. He uses a green screen to give the illusion that he is not sharing a bed with an inmate known as “T Dawg” on the streets of Detroit. Rumors have stated he wields a penis so large you can hear its pulse from 1 full NFL football stadium away. He has also sadly contracted Super AIDS™ , a strain only previously held by Freddy Murcury, Ron Woodroof, and Samantha alone.

## Trivia

* Sam lost all of his life savings at the stock market
* Sam tried to sell his daughter at a gas station
* Sam has had sexual intercourse with a wall in his shower
* Sam has more estrogen than a woman during her menstruation

## Known associates

* **AquaFps** - Crackhead known for impersonating Jake Gyllenhall
* **Poob** - Washed up college graduate, now under Sam's control
* **Bryan** - Economic mastermind, learned how to get paid for doing nothing
* **Stalltt** - Sam's right hand man, but hates Sam with a passion
* **Ted Kaczynski** - AKA The Unabomber, killed and wounded multiple people using IED's
* **John McAfee** - Created the worst anti-virus software known to man, was also a drug addict before he killed himself after learning of Sam’s crimes against humanity.

## Reference List

1. ↑ YouTube
2. ↑ Sam's mom, had to bang her to get this information
3. ↑ Some dude I met outside a Taco Bell, seemed trustworthy though
4. ↑ Warren Buffett
5. ↑ Seven Eleven employee
6. ↑ The wall in his shower
7. ↑ His doctor (unlicensed)