The Last Jedi

> "Hope is like the Sun. It burns you."
>
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**Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi** is a movie about space wizards intended for children. It is the eighth episode of the nine-part "Skywalker Saga" of Star Wars films, and the second episode of the " Fanatical Disney Star Wars Universe" Sequel Trilogy, following *The Force Awakens*. The film was highly polarizing, with many praising it as a movie that will be talked about for years, and many others criticizing as a film that betrayed the previous installments.

In regards to EFAP, MauLer's "Star Wars: The Last Jedi: An Unbridled Rage" marked a noticeable uptick in his audience, and the movie and defenses made for it are a regular topic on EFAP.

A list of takes about The Last Jedi, by both EFAP guests and those covered, is as follows.

### Overall

* the force is a slut, letting anyone be the chosen one
* force ghosts main skill should be to annoy the enemy, by sticking the tongue out and blowing raspberry at them
* w-wing is the w-cromosone, so that’s why the sjw resistance didn’t want them, as the sjw designed th bombers
* last jedi's subverting expectations is like giving Christmas present that’s empty, because the recipient wanted the gift giver to surprise them. sure its surprising, but its also an empty box.
* Universe had gentleman agreement not to use Hyperspace Kamikazi
* broom boy's name is Timmy and he lied the story of how Anakin became Vader and how he killed younglings
* Yodas people measure height with how long the distance is between their body and nuts of a person sitting down a chair
* broom boy stole the children’s bone density and learned to use the force, similar to Rey Palpatine
* it was humorous to find Luke's guardians’ skeletons (funny like the Achmed the dead terrorist)
* “according to reader response theory, we are supposed to destroy the sith, not join them”
* Leiadai is male Leia
* precious crystal fox boys
* yoda would say” broh”
* last jedi is religion, with people casting out people that don’t see problems, acting like cult
* naboo is just earth after
* new jedi, jewdai ead by angry jew
* BB8 doesent give Fin thumbs up, he flips Fin off
* what if some other force ghost shows up instead of yoda, and see what has become of Luke,
* turning to ghost is jedies form of suicide when they are bored of life
* Carrie fisher is digged from her coffin, put strings around her and puppeted in future movies. just pump cocaine in her vaign to bring her back to life. weekend at olderon style
* Star Wars have more advanced sex bots than us, thans to their faster than light travel technology. Most of them look organic
* Star Wars resistance pilot nose looks like testicle in his face, named commander sack, flier because friction is his specialty
* force push poop but don’t know which is up or down
* secret sith technique, shadowleg
* sandpeople  go to hiding tactic is to imitate animal noises.
* white suit vader with painted smile, when he becomes good guy
* Darth Maul is Darth Evil
* left to right is looking towards future, while right to left is looking towards your own death. except in japan, where they read from right to left
* broom kid read the galactic news so he know that the Republic has been thrown by first order
* slaves weren’t save because there wasn’t enough space in the ship, so they had to just save the animals and leave the kids
* since there are laser axes with two blades, there must be
* kalresian fucks c3po, who also gets from chewie
* star destroyer didn’t tractor beam Poes ship because it was too small and fast and not the bomber as they were too big and too slow
* millennium flancolym
* daughter niece of lando
* paige toco grew I to multiple pieces that float around the universe
* darth 3po, mole who kills holdu, like the terminator, with the music and killing
* c3po is a major deception
* bilbos butter: the Star Wars story
* wars can’t be won by killing the enemies, its only won by hugging it out with the enemy
* Captains are not allowed to know plans
* nien nub is minority so he cant rise in military ranks
* Spiderman: Star Wars story
* being stabbed by light-saber would be terrifying light-sabers aren’t a horror game
* all droids have n-word switch, even toasters
* no one ever really gone, so dooku comes back as head in a robot spider body, wielding two lighsabers
* leia was basically sleepwalking when she used the force to get back to the ship
* darkside cupcakes have black icing of evil and feed ou beter
* solo robot had anita sakesaans brain
* red lights mean that there is something electronic going on
* yoda was being more powerful than one can imagine when he shot lightning
* tlj is loony tunes of the starwars
* since baby yoda was baby at 50, yoda was teenager when he died, so he didn’t get to fuck as he was underage and only got to the age when he died, his an incel
* people in starwars don’t know what up is, since they don’t greet with “whats up?”
* first order went to look for leader tah wore robes, from bathouses and saunas, scars were preferable
* starwars episode 9, the emperors new groove
* star jars: Jar Jar story
* Mightiest janitor the Broom boy, rode a Force Horse
* the guard in snokes room can only block red lightsabers since their armor is read
* admiral haldo
* resistance got their as kicked as half of their force was made of women
* (suddenly scene cuts to white room where guy is sitting on a chair, static thing like “slavery is bad, animal cruelty is bad” and it then cuts back to the movie)
* they only send 4 tiefighters because it was lunch break
* cannon used in last jedi is gumbol flumba cannon that’s immune to chagrin
* nobody cares that the republic was destroyed by the first order, partially do to slave labor
* there was no leia, it was male named lee in the original trilogy
* only reason why fin and rose survive was that the First order saw what they were doing as funny and wanted to see how it plays out (rose crashing to fin and fin having to drag her body around the salt planet. Order found it hilarious)
* helmet repair is middle finger and JJ trying to fix Ryans faults
* army of first order is army of clowns, only less as clows could build something
* sequels were stabled on
* ryan pour water to Disney money making machine and JJ started hitting it with the hammer to fix it
* tism cannon that only works with magic trigger, it can destroy the star destroyers
* space tickes to planets cost thousands of spacebucks, nearly quarter portion
* imperial droidns fixing kylos helmet has hairy hands
* lando has not yet died from space diabetees
* original droids commit suicide to escapee the series
* maul pushes his poop with force push out of his bod
* roses body covered fins tracks when he dragged  her to the cave
* tries to play on emotions by showing past movie characters, you didn’t make it, show your own shit
* Israel condemns the last jedi
* when Hamill tweeted how the reunion between han and luke would have been like, tlj defenders whisper to him”hey, shut the fuck up, you are making out movie look bad”
* jedi horde the force in their house and won t let it out
* qui gon jinn is worse version Gandalf, so he smokes deathsticks
* canto bight sold resistance shitty bombers that could be easily destroyed by tiefighters
* hope is like a plan, fuck yourself
* jedi murder children if they sense little of the dark side, even if they have no knowledge of the force “Do nothing he did? murder him we must”
* chewie is canonically a man in a fursuit, his furry
* trying to make new movies is like trying to build house on are know for muddslides or trying to build new skyscraper on top of dilapidated old one or like trying to build something and people constantly die in the construction site where girdirs fall on top of people
* Winnie the Pooh teams up with Donkey and Shrek to beat the Emperor in the Last Jedi
* People in Star Wars have not made any tools, they just found stuff and decided to use them.
* If you are jedi, you don’t eat or fish
* darth maul is poledancer, robo legs help
* yoda goes around nuking places with books, best away to keep away from him is by having no books
* Gollum is han solo of LOTR
* it would have been better to go to apartment in corason instead of jedi temple, since its harder to find than someplace that would be related to jedi
* the force feels like stick like thing
* count dooku was gay like tywin
* slave kids can be fed to the space horses. the children eat less so they are better slaves
* captain phasmas first name is captain
* tentacle thing in trash compactor of death star is there because empire likes hentai
* “I’m not religious, I just have personal relationship with the force”
* Bomb ships are retarded versions of Halo Needlers
* tlj had theme of orphans, orophans are cutthroat wishing for love. rose saw fin as father figure and kissed him (insest is popular, just look at some porn sites)
* water of decoba made yoda gay
* weapons just can disappear
* hyperspace kamikaze is against the law, so no one uses it
* you just need copper star destroyers to counter the bombs magnetism
* ass-sack alien farts to fill the airsack, only speaks cursive and creepily float around and rubs peoples faces from behind, creepily breathing. only way to kill it is by stomping it
* at the end, resistance needs to fling rocks at the first order and put up a patrean to get money to by ships
* praetorian guard always forget that the sith apprentice kills the master, whenever it happens they try to kill the apprentice. whenever they manage to kill the apprentice, they have to cover it up, as they killed their new leader. at this point they appoint one of themselves as the supreme leader. one was Jim. supreme leader jim. one of the dumb guards is Carl
* darth Vader used to have image of speaker in his helmet to signify that he was talking from his head and not from his mouth, made him seem taller when his voice came from his helmet, took it off since it looked silly. later installed shower head that sprayed water to the person on his left, which he got from space home depo, then installed reading light, he drinks by pouring soup on his head. he squirts water on person to shut them up. soup plays music
* The movie's theme is about women learning their place, as Poe was right and Leia was wrong, and Rose goes into a coma after realizing that she doomed the rebellion by not allowing Finn to destroy the cannon

### Anakin

* Anakin didn’t die from lava ,so lava is useless and more useless today, since Anakin got lava from long long time, a ago galaxy far far away.
* Anakin killing the village was comedy, as he believed in reader response theory
* Amadala gave Anakin salad fork so he choked her
* Darth Vader is ripoff of RoboCop, Bane and Frankenstein
* Anakin killed the Younglings because he needed to free the Force server so that Palpatine could download al the Force powers
* Anakin went bit too far with killing younglings, he should have put them in gas chambers and concentration camps
* To go to fight vader, Luke should have taken Yoda with him, making their meeting more awkward with Yoda talking how Vader killed children where vader would be the whiny anakin, commenting how he was allowed to the council and he killed younglings in self defence
* *"its over Anakin, I have the implied ground"*

### Holdo

* Porg Holdo, Porglo
* she is the first one to think up ramming ships with Hyperspace
* Holdos hair dye budged was too big, so they couldn’t get w-wings
* male holdo is maledo, and as incompetent as the original, nothing changes between genders, its not sexism, he is stereotypical British old fat general with jowls and crescent long mustache. he wears jeans and sweatshirt
* holdo has to be stupid to let fin grow and plot and conflict and drama to happen, maybe fin grows a geo-pet
* holdo hit her head with hammer, so she is acting crazy, she had just moment of insanity
* second general after maledo is snoop dog in a kilt
* Holdo“you are bad man, you let us to kill everyone, now let me kill everyone in the meantime”
* hope is like a sun, if you stare at it, it hurts your face.
* holdo kills more people than poe and is not hold accountable

### Snoke

* Snoke is growing out his uni-brow, trying to fuse his eyebrows
* Snoke has orchestra around that plays imperial march whenever Vader is even mentioned.
* Snoke has “rabid cur” called Floppsy that he keeps in his throne room, its foams from mouth
* Snoke was forced diversity, if he was deformed female then he would be good
* snoke was just janitor in some spaceship before forming the first order

### Pappy

* mickey mouse is Palpatine, looming over the franchise “I am all copyright”
* Palpatine thinks everyone sleeps in star desoyers
* Palpatine possessed rey after he is killed
* His red shirt was ceated by the Dark side of the force weaving it, as its unnatural force skill
* Palpatine was innocent child before he picked up a broom
* you can bottle Palpatines soul after his body is vaporized.
* one thing he has not learned is to not shoot his lightning, like pissing until you are empty.
* Palpatine landed on the planet after traveling trough the space on wreckage piece of the deahtstar and landing on the ocean. he began to swim, got attacked by shark and zaps it, killing all the living things in water, after which he goes to exegol because he was heartbroken for killing his new fish friend and diden't want to kill any more of them, so he wen to planet with no animals, he is against animal cruelty.
* he hitchhiked to the exegol.
* on the first planet he is like cast away, with vadders helmet on coconut, and anakin berates him for his embarrassing situation.
* he spend him time on exegol drinking force from his sith acolytes 3 times a day, like a crack whore.
* he got straining order and kept his promise, so he now steals life 200 meters away, he doesn’t see it weird that you stela life.
* his name is John Sidious

### Episode 9 speculations

* Their fight Glorm, Snokes twin brother and go against evil tentacle moon.
* Clone of Kylo will appear in the movie, Kyle McCarthy.
* laugh at the end of the trailer is not Palpatine, it rose after her bone density bulk up for turning 18
* Porgs will be picking weapons and deciding to go to war with Chewbacka for eating their family members, killing and eating him. At the end, Porgs combine into megazord, Ewoks and Porgs form an army to fight the Wookies.
* Ackbar uses the force to save himself, coming back in this movie, his theme is Ocean Man and he travels in space using force with his chair.
* L3 kills the life-support to Rose for not being robotic enough.
* A robot collected images from past movies to 9 trailer.
* It was all Reys dream, the whole trilogy.
* all riders would die if the tilt the ship
* rise of skywalkers is like beating you with jingling keys, asking you to like it
* rise of skylwaker (trailer misame)
* Rose got promoted for hitting her car on Fin.
* Emperors throne room in the Death Star is his bathroom.
* Palpatine will be called "Creamy Shive"
* Kylo fixes his helmet so bad it immediately breaks
* Kylo is collecting trinkets from previous episode, like Vaders helmet and Lukes medal, planning on opening his personal Star Wars museum, rampaging through galaxy collecting trinkets.
* Klos plan is to put all the light on and kill the planet.
* Rey can repair light-sabers with force.
* Rey has random arm strap, its where she keeps her arm so its important. she cut of her upper arm sleeves and cut them off, leaving wrist sleeves on her arms.
* Rey and others stumble upon the Death Star and Palatines ghost cackles, they say to Palatine: shut up Shive, and then they leave and give Chewie a medal.
* There are some space icebergs
* Next Death Star is a Death Galaxy

### Episode 9

* Palpatine is in bed, attended by sith loyalist made by planet AIDS, in the sith gas station planet exegol. when he survived, he just tapped the glass of space ship and asked for ride, hitchhiking his way to the exegol
	+ they sell galaxy burger and sith macmuffin

* kylo was directed to exegol by an Oracle Spider
* "Force dad, be my force dad"
* darth star tech=death star tech
* their plan is to rule over asteroids, and do nazi things
* first order takes children and teaches them to man their tech, crew of children
* lando stays on the planet because his kid was stolen, as he didn’t want to look for them and didn’t like their face, looked too much like the mother
* in sith language, every word is the n-wpord, so c3po needs n-word pass to say it by his creator, or he will die for saying it
* hux is mole because he wants to klo to get killed
* kylo forgives himself
* kylo likes watching girls shit, not shititng, but the act of trying, masturbating to it
* army of retards, clones with kids minds due to accelerated growth, with kindergarden rooms
* kylo has hidden cameras in his bathroom and aks the kid soldies there, as they have not been instructed about the not talking to strangers.
* he is called creamy sheeve as he is player, having sex room in his throne room
* leia is dying because her addiction to the deathsticks
* rey cheap shots kylo wnen he is shocking that his mom is dying
* leie didn’t complete the training to become force ghost, but ahn did
* ghost gives rey a lightsaber he has been holding
* exegol has huge floating rocks with siyh statues, and rock elevators
* army of rebels is made of angry parents that hate the empire for kidnapping their kids, so they will kill the kids
* kylo is furry
* lando fucked coffee machine to get a child
* you need to kill people with happiness, not anger
* one ship navigates for all as others are manned by children
* Palpatine is nonopoly hat and force ghost after dying, playing monopoly with other siths
* Palpatine got sith aids from the lightning and then was cured b being thrown in but got it back when he wen to the exegol, leie got the aids from Palpatines sith power and died
* force ghost Hitler

* Palpatine silk lord, shirt
* siths have pointy teeth, but most of the fix them as they bite their tongues
* might have killed the other prisoners with force lightning
* worm ate darth ochie and rearenged his bones
* Palpatines fingers were ruined for playing fortnight, and he recorder it in there in one of this streams, he is really fly guy with red shirt
* emperor just force fly to nearest spaceship and was carried away in stretcher, being in coma, kept making more clones but they were taken out too quickly and came out half baked and mangled
* Palpatine projects visions and voices on kylo and rey to mess with them, like Hans ghost and jedi voices Palpatine send his dead speak speech by space carrier pigeon
* kylo is angrily looking for emperor
* execgol was sith home-world before the space-cancer, but then the amazon guy couldn't get there and they left. Jerry the Sith kept dumping polutuion.
* Palpatine lightning is like stopping pissing in mid stream
* Palpatine possessed Rey body and took Skylwaker name in revenge

### Chewie

* chewie named porg han, because it was so great
* chewie is an uber driver

### Jake Skylwaker

* Found Jeb bush and lost all hope
* lukes story of destroying the empire was lame, so it didn’t become legend, unlike his force trick
* luke thighwalker, only uses his thighs to walk
* luke likes to throw his lightsaber
* luke used his lightsaber to warm up kylo and he took it wrong way
* mark is sad and soulless
* luke is sad enough to project himself on the another planet, his therapist suggested it. 5th stage of grief, Projection
* luke disappearing was jut crossfade to next day
* luke and yoda fight off emperors force ghost, cut his head of and go to super ghost, “strike me down and I will become even more powerful”
* anakins arm was eaten by luke when he was baby, so luke learned how to use force, rey ate lukes hand
* luke was trying to frame kylo for killing his students, while he was the one that killed the younglings
* only things that luke succeeded in in sequels is molesting alien, jumping over a crevasse and catching a fish
* luke powers his mechanical hand by using his food as fuel, apple restores 5% of hand functionality
* luke has specific “burn dow the jedi temple attire”, since it’s a special occasion
* lukes beard is better since its darker than obi wan
* alien luke milks is intelligent and luke molests it” show me on the doll where the jedi touched you”. luke only milked one cow, it might tbe missing him. the space cow could have used same force on luke as marvel used on don. space cow was reading newspaper before cluce came to milk
* luke and Anakin are child murderers
* Jake Skywalker is gay, but pansexual with reader response theory. he dies from drinking green milk and thinks that is better for jedi to die when there is siths leading an empire.
* Luke looks towards the future in new hope”what is he looking at? DEATH”. sun gives cancer, double cancer from double suns, also sun means hope. one sun hope two suns death.
* drug addict and since he didn’t use force for long time, he died from overdose, or he died from drinking green milk as way to impress Rey
* he tried to kill himslef by cutitng his wrist or jumping to water, but Yodas ghost came and saved him while laughing at his attempt to die
* Deforested the whole island to make a stick to fish
* hallucinates the two suns in the last jedi, thinking back to to his past
* book "reading a persons fucking emotions from their smile"Ludwig von Tescas "if Luke Skywalkers to smile at the binary sunsets, that means that his happy and his full of purpose"
* smiled as he was happy to escape the franchise
* jake calls it a laser sword
* Palpatine surfed to excegol by using eiece of th edeath star, surfing Palpatine, tubular
* "do you think im going to go fight the 1 v hundred?". "no, help us"
* luke, no hobo you be
* knights arrested wookie for not having license for knife, uber driver
* luke was legend in the sequals
* lukes x-wing ended in water due to corrosion
* legend of luke, he walked outside, got shot bunch of timse, didn’t die, but now his probably dead as we didn’t see him afterwards
* “did you see why it happened? Yes, some weird old man was going to kill you with lightsaber” then he goes back to sleep, as he sleepwalks
* Peed on Kylo relentlessly in his sleep, which is why he hates him.
	+ Alternatively he peeped on him, and keeps peeping on Kylo after Kylo kills him.

### Rey!!!!!

* rey is picking boulders for Matt jarbo
* Rey succeeds in everything like mind control because she does not know if it will work
* rey is part gungan, which is why she cant close her mouth, Rey binks
* Rey can make weapons disappear. every time something just posp out of existence, its reys fault
* rey tells lukes story, how he was an asshole, and nobody finds the story inspiring
* rey is like the guy who wants to be part of your group for no other reason than to be part of it and has no discernable likes or dislikes
* rey is too nice, so she is flawed
* if rey was in the Pummelparty, she would make barrels disappear
* this Christmas, rey will jump over tie ceptor
* rey flips between heroes, first han, the luke, next one is probably rose
* rey can be guys name
* both skywalkers killed kids, so ray took the cursed name and is destined to kill kids
* she is intelligent enough to rip things out to fix things, rey
* rey would have been better as someone with no social skillaand somewhat feral for living most of her life alone, or as someone that’s strong but has no controlllover their strenght
* ray is the virgin mary sue, as she is brave enough to find out that she doesn’t need a man to make a baby
* rey appears to kylo only when he is in the toilet, reading newspaper
* rey does sex change abn become snoke or goes back and is smee skywalker and anankin steals her powers in the womb
* rey parent abandoned her because she was better than them, beat them in all games and gave philosophy
* rey was lukes master, he didn’t teach her, she teached him
* Umpa gluto is reys father

### Han Clanless

* whites are han solos people
* hans solo is the best general smuggle, can smuggle entire armies
* solo was “singularity of suck”
* before hans name was han deception
* han was good man, except he raised a shitty kid that killed him
* han comes back as force ghost and sits in the cantina, that’s his heaven

### Fly-Boy Poe

* poe x-wing, ping
* poe is terrorist, he tries to attack the government in control
* we expected Poe to act like Poe, but rayan subverts expectations by turning him into different character.

### Rose Taico

* Her other names include: Rose Pacito, Rose Typhoid, rose Tico Wathi, Fat Asian Bitch
* Rose is from planet Viet-nam, the Phantom Menace aliens with Asian accents are from there too
* rose eats tyco bell
* rose, racist depiction kamikaze bomber
* rose is the villain, as she gets resistance killed b “saving” fin
* Rose electrocutes people that want to save their lives, thinking them as deserters, even if people are not members of the resistance.
* roses hair looks like Nazi cap
* rose a thing wasn’t before her sister died

### Fin the Minstral

* did you know that Fin was a stormtrooper?
* He mopped around the Palpatines throne, so he knows how to defeat Palpatine
* He was put in the battlefield during Force Awakens because they needed someone to clean the battlefield up, and were one Stromtrooper short. Fin didn't have his gun loaded and was carrying around mop and bucket.
* fin was first ever to consider kamikaze pilot and rose kamikazed into his kamikaze and it un-kamikazed them, counter kamikaze
* fins was there moping the floors when Palpatine fell down the deathstraber. fin has mopped everywhere, even in the second death star

### Kylo Ben

* Ky-swole Ren
* He was bullied in Jedi temple, because his not as cool or good looking as his dad. He is a school shooter, because they didn’t have lightsaber control.
* He might be bad, but Jake is as bad.
* kylo is ben when he wants to be asshole
* kylos life is extinguished, he is hit with tobacco cup
* Kylo is anti-people
* Doesn’t know what his doing.
* Kylo is mixed breed, as his son of force user and non force user, basically a mudblood
* Calls his dick “the Dividing Driver”
* kylo is trans pries, has cross saber, fights black man with burning cross