The Real Malfoys

Some content in this article is derived from information featured in the video series The Real Malfoys, and, as such, **spoilers** may be present. Keep calm and keep the secrets!

The Real Malfoys is the first video series NyxRising produced. Nyx has stated it was their first idea that showed them what direction their channel was going to take.

## Synopsis

The Malfoy family is forced to move to Winchmore Hills, a Muggle community, following their social downfall in the wake of Lord Voldemort's defeat. Banned from using magic, broke and now out of work, Lucius and Narcissa face off against the general struggles of life as non-magical folk.

## Episodes

#### Episode 1: Welcome None, Welcome All

> "*Lucius, this is poor people wine. There are no fears of luxuries that I've come to expect and enjoy.*"
> ― Narcissa
>
>

A cameraman shows up on the Malfoy's doorstep for a reality TV show that they had agreed to do (apparently, neither of them remember agreeing to it).

   On a tour of the house, an attempt is made to enter Draco's room. There is a sign that reads "DRACO'S Room, K33P OUT (that means *you* dad)" posted on the door. After being quickly frightened by the music playing out of his room, Lucius decides it'd be best to not disturb his son and the tour continues.

In an aside, the couple brags about the amount of parties they get invited to and how they cannot possibly attend all the social events and be around such clutter of London. While looking through the mail that is full of bills, a letter is opened that sings Justin Bieber. Draco asks if they were opening his post, which Narcissa denies.

When asked to explain something in the house, Lucius picks up a portrait of his son, who he mistakes for a girl. After being told that Draco was indeed a boy, Lucius makes a comment that he didn't take after the Malfoy side of the family. While Narcissa is aware of his recent graduation from Hogwarts and his age, Lucius has missed a few birthdays while he was "elsewhere" and calls him 13/14.

> "*Better together, and better than anyone else.*"
> ― Narcissa
>
>

#### Episode 2: Sour Grapes of Wrath

Narcissa and Lucius try to coax Draco out of his room, to no avail. Draco accuses Lucius of not being his real father, to which Lucius has to gain reassurance from his wife and child-bearer that he is in fact Draco's father.

   In a stump about how to cook breakfast without magic, or do anything without magic in general, the cameraman helps them out by showing them how to turn the stove-top on. They at first claim this as magic and that the cameraman is a wizard, but are soon being taught how to make eggs without a staff or magic.

The pair hate on Narcissa's loony sisters, Andromeda and Bellatrix, Lucius declaring he got the good one of the bunch (though that is debatable). Bellatrix, who has been looming in the bushes, surprises the two while they are in the kitchen through the window. They are forced to duck and run to the living room before she can see them.

In a perfect place for another argument, Narcissa blames Lucius for them no being rich anymore and uses primal scream therapy on him to get out all her anger. As the yelling escalates, Snakey is brought in between the two. Lucius gets very defensive over his wand and embarrasses himself with how drunk he is.

#### Episode 3: In the Name of the Father

> "*I am but a humble lamp.*"
> ― Lucius at the top of the stairs
>
>

The Malfoys are blessed by the presence of Abraxas Malfoy, who has brought gifts for the family. While Draco is being given champagne for his 16th birthday and Narcissa a celery antique that "helps build fertility and fortune," Lucius hides upstairs behind a lamp to avoid his father. In an aside, Abraxas reveals that he found the celery jar in his ex-wife's attic and wanted to get rid of it, and by giving it to his son's family, Abraxas would be able to mess with their heads.

   In the event of insulting Lucius, Abraxas notices the Ugg boots that Lucius is wearing and falls in love with them. He asks where he could get them, to which Lucius says from his cold, dead body. A challenge was issued.

> "*The contract is sssssealed.*"
> ― Abraxas many times
>
>

Draco sits on the steps, wallowing in his Potter-less sex life, as Narcissa walks upstairs. In a plot twist, she goes back and sits next to Draco to try to comfort him and ends up telling him to act like a Malfoy while his grandfather is here. He agrees to get over Pansy, who hadn't been calling him back, in order to drink and fall down, like a proper Malfoy would.

Over dinner, an argument breaks out that reveals Abraxas' real reason to be at the Malfoy's house: bankruptcy. He forces his way into staying at Winchmore Hills, which sends the rest of the house into a distraught frustration. In the end, Abraxas shows off his Uggs that he stole off of Lucius. He is victorious.

#### Episode 4: Life's A Witch

> "*Is it not only bad enough that he m-ugg-ed me? I only have one Ugg boot on my left foot now... the str-ugg-le is real.*"
> ― Lucius, with a bare right foot.
>
>

Unwilling to give up their singular Ugg boot to the other, there is a stalemate between Lucius and his father. Too busy to get caught up in the boys' fight, Narcissa recounts how much she had to buy for her new job. As the breadwinner of the house, she has an entire new wardrobe, shoes, handbags, and perfumes.

After Narcissa leaves, Lucius is left alone. He panics and starts to look for his wife, starting with under the couch. Abraxas comes down the stairs and tells his son that if he is looking for his heterosexuality, it wouldn't be under there. The two escape to the kitchen after learning they were locked inside.

At the other end, Narcissa seems to be enjoying work nicely! She says she is in a very important role at her job, earning £6.50 an hour which is more than any of the others are making. Jonathon attempts to send her "e-mail" (or mail by eagle) and gets her Starbucks. Her boss tells her to have that report on her desk by 2.

Back at home, a macaroni art piece is being finished by Lucius. It depicts him and his father, along with a cat, under an umbrella with pasta being thrown from the sky by a "happy little cloud." This piece shows the neglect Lucius had felt during his childhood and how he wishes his relationship with his father was.

Lucius visits Abraxas in his room, and asks him to perform Narcissa's usual wifely duties for him: reading him to sleep. Abraxas agrees and reads Animal Farm to his son. Now asleep, Abraxas is able to steal the left Ugg boot.

Obviously Narcissa watched the Sonorus show the Marauders put on back at Hogwarts, as she effectively uses sticky notes to write down her stress and places them on her forehead. Between the 7 minutes of Jonathon not bringing her Starbucks and all the dull work she is tasked with doing, Narcissa feels overwhelmed.

Locked inside once more, Lucius and Abraxas resort to building a fort in the kitchen to keep themselves safe. Abraxas finally tells his son more about his time in the Grindelwald Wars, which sparks a bonding moment for them. Lucius sacrifices his pasta art piece so that he and his father can eat.

> "*Of course you can remember [Narcissa]. Whore-ish, a bit of cobwebs between the legs, looks a bit like a successful baby prostitute sometimes. How could you forget her? She's the mother of your child, my grandson.*"
> ― Abraxas
>
>

> "*Dobby?*"
> ― Lucius, in response.
>
>

When Narcissa returns and announces that they are once more rich because of a far off prince relative in Nigeria, Abraxas acts like all that he has said previously was Lucius acting like a child.

#### Episode 5: Retreat Yo Self

As a punishment for their insistent arguing, the Malfoy couple are forced to spend time at the Phoenix Retreat *(**dingaling**)*. Luckily their holiday is paid for, since Narcissa got all their money taken by the fake prince relative. Greeted by David, the manager at the Phoenix Retreat *(**dingaling**)*, the couple is given their itinerary (or, according to David, our-tinerary) full of couple treatments and a coupon for the bar that is worth 2 free drinks. While they ignore the "couple" part of everything, Narcissa and Lucius start to enjoy themselves.

Lucius especially starts to enjoy himself with the arrival of a particularly pretty woman by the name of Katherine. After accidentally mistaking her for Narcissa, he attempts to flirt with her and tells her he is rich and important and sweeps her away.

> "*Something smells like betrayal.*"
> ― Narcissa
>
>

Narcissa decides to go spy mode and ends up on the roof, listening in on Lucius and Katherine's conversation. They go for a walk in the garden where Kate gets tripped and Lucius is suave enough to catch her. With Narcissa in hot pursuit, no one is safe anymore.
Talking about Katherine, Lucius comments that she is a sweeter, younger, more supple version of his wife.

> "*Have you SEEN me? You cannot replicate perfection.*"
> ― Narcissa
>
>

A surprise appears for Lucius in the form of Abraxas, who is Katherine's new fiancé and who she was initially waiting for. Swooping in and stealing Lucius' wine, Abraxas and Kate go to find somewhere more private. Lucius is at his wit's end and attempts to escape, but only to be stopped by David. He tries to seduce him into letting him leave, but David explains he usually isn't into girls.

Narcissa, despite being in the same place as her husband, is having a wonderful time at the Phoenix Retreas ***(dingaling)***, and says she hasn't seen a full length mirror in a long time, ironically as she is looking at a hlf-length mirror. David comes to the room to inform Narcissa of all the things they have to provide, including condoms for the "lesbian" couple. When pushed out by Lucius, David does a very odd... worming away. ***(Really, Jack, I have so many questions for you.)***

To match the dress code of the night, Lucius wears a vegan fur coat and an 80s shirt with a vape, apparently from the gift shop. Abraxas and him get at each other's throats, terribly enough to make Kate go upstairs. Just as Narcissa is ready and going to dinner to win back her husband in "The Gold Digger," she eavesdrops on Kate. In a surprising turn of events, Kate is actually a black widow and is using Abraxas for his money. With this knowledge, she tells Lucius and there is a rekindled love between the two over their evil plan.

Now sad about his engagement not being real, Abraxas gets real down and actually makes us pity him? What a sweet, creepy, perverted, old man. Nothing seems to go right for him.

David chloroforms a cameraman. The guy is kinda lucky, I wouldn't mind being chloroformed by David.

#### Episode 6: Living La Vida Malfoy

Abraxas sets up a satanic circle in order to rid the house of homosexuality, it seems. Another normal day.

> "*Father, I crave wine.*"
> ― Lucius (imitating the "Father I crave cheddar" meme)
>
>

Now famous from their previous episode, the Malfoy's are rich again and enjoying it quite a bit. Narcissa and Lucius launched a perfume line, *pour femme et pour homme (ie: for her and for him)* and released a sex tape; Draco is a delinquent teenage celebrity that parties and is now bisexual; Abraxas is running for Minister of Magic: Trump style.

Lucius and Narcissa are now getting many invitations from everyone, including Gucci. Included in the mail is a letter from the Aurors office, requesting Lucius' presence for unknown reasons. But he is too pretty and successful to go back to Azkaban, and Narcissa slaps Lucius back into his head again. Apparently a masochist, Lucius takes his wife back up to bed to do... naughty stuff.

Later when Narcissa wakes up, she goes to the restroom to find out somehow that she is knocked up with presumably Lucius' child. She changes into the birthing gown that has been in the family for at least three generations and the couple go downstairs to tell everyone the good news.

> "*Malfoys only do men.*"
> ― Narcissa
>
>

    Certain that this is the work of Celery, the jar that brings "fertility and fortune," Abraxas forces them to say thank you to him. With the new baby coming, Draco feels left out and invisible (which he kinda is), so Abraxas tries to step in as a comforting father figure.
Narcissa goes to the toilet once more because of morning sickness, but comes out looking like she has made a horrible mistake. Abraxas catches onto this and smells betrayal in the air.

> "*Only one thing could make this better. Somebody get me a giant Toblerone.*"
> ― Draco
>
>

Lucius starts packing up the kitchen, which only includes a couple things, including wine, Celery, avocados, and a portrait of Draco. To accommodate for a bigger family, the Malfoys are going to be moving into a bigger, new house.

After the household gets into a shouting fight about who is living with who and who ate Draco's Tolberone in the kitchen, a knock on the door tears Narcissa away. At the door is Harry Potter, who is there to see Lucius Esmeralda Malfoy about his parole. He charges him with accounts of illegal use of magic, disappearance of cameramen (from the Phoenix Retreat (***dingaling***)), and murder.

Also having a warrant out for arrest, Harry tells Abraxas he is going to have to go to Azkaban with his son. Instead of doing this, he dies on the floor.

In loving memory of Abraxas Ophelia Malfoy.

## Cast

RogueArcanis as Narcissa Malfoy, Kate Thackery

0Becki as Lucius Malfoy

DionysianDandy as Abraxas Malfoy, David Dahmer

BladeyCakes as Draco Malfoy

PaperStorms as Harry Potter

Jason Isaacs Celery as Celery