The Shish Kebab Express

The Shish Kebab Express is a mass of hundreds of goblins clinging to each other and operating on a hivemind to resemble a living truck. Not to be confused with The Shish Kebab Express the episode. It was originally invented by Brian Fuck, who has since lost track of it after he was driven out of town for his dubious creation.

While it can communicate by operating its radio, the bulk of the goblins speak in unison. They have little to say beyond their sole motivation of being The Shish Kebab Express and their need to “gotta go fast.” Nearly every part of the truck is made of goblins, including the tires, windshield wipers, ignition, and the headlights (two goblins with their skulls lit on fire). The goblins can be killed, hurt or removed from the main swarm, but both the individuals and the hivemind themselves will attempt to rejoin with them. The goblins have voiced a desire a to remain a part of the swarm. Those that are pulled away from it do so kicking and screaming, calling the rest of their cooperative formation “family.”

The party first encounters The Express in The Trashlands, being driven by the mantis-people Maverick and Paul Maul. The drivers nearly run over the party’s carriage, wrecking it as they swerve to avoid. They exit The Express to greet them, only to advise them that they will be hunting them for sport. The party races away on their giant scorpions, unable to do much damage to the mass of goblins.

When Frederick de Bonesby gets separated from the group, The Shish Kebab Express singles him out and runs him over. While the crash kills the drivers, de Bonesby is grabbed and drawn in by the goblins and quickly pulled to pieces. They separate him, only for Frederick to realize some remnant of his original magical expertise remains. This power overtakes The Express’ hivemind long enough for force himself back together and reform his body inside the driver’s seat. Frederick ensures he can control it via the goblin controls and drives off with the party. They use it to help fend off a chasing swarm of dire bats before it runs out of control and Frederick has to make a sudden stop, murdering the goblins that form the tires.

The truck remains functional enough to continue to Riddle Guy and Thirsty Falls, but Frederick deems his vehicle too heavy to cross the bridge leading to The Teenage Woods. With a few parting words, he allows it to roam The Trashlands on its own.

Sometime after, Hot Roddy discovers the vehicle and drives it off to reunite with the party. He catches up in the episode It Looks Like You're Trying To Save Your School and rams it into The Unpleasantness made manifest before dismissing the goblins, ordering it to go into "breeding mode" so that they scatter into the woods. He announces that he has since renamed it The Gyro Express.

## Trivia

* The Shish Kebab Express is a reference to The Pork Chop Express, the truck from Big Trouble In Little China.
* The Shish Kebab Express emulates many of the modern conveniences of a modern-day car. It can communicate with its driver in a strangely smooth and un-goblin voice through its radio goblin, and can operate itself when cruise control is requested. The cruise control is unreliable at best, given that it involves telling a swarm of goblins to operate on their own best judgement.
* While compared to a truck, the vehicle only has its main driver/passenger seat area. There is little room for actual storage. The densely packed goblins tend to shred or rip apart anything that gets absorbed by its collective.
* Hot Roddy figures out that the vehicle has a "breeding mode" that it can enter on command. It makes the truck disassemble and the goblins scatter into the area. It's unclear what exactly happens, but they return around 15 minutes later with more goblins. Roddy assumes that they breed extremely rapidly, but he cannot be sure.
* The inside of the vehicle is generally unpleasantly warm. Hot Roddy points out that there is air conditioning, but that this option is even worse since it comes out of a goblin's butt.