Ned Phillips

*"No, Barnaby, it's totally me who that's going to give her [Janet] a 'poke'."* - Ned Phillips, while in a full body cast

Ned is a member of the St. Thom Huell Rugby Team along with his brother Brian and an occasional subject of the group's activities. A forward in the rugby team, Ned is in the scrum alongside his brother Brian, and friend and team captain, Barnaby Crimp. As Barnaby started to associate more with the nerds and the American student, however, their friendship may have weakened.

## Biography

### Season 1

Ned and Brian were first observed in Episode 1, teasing Barnaby for his crush on Imogen. In Episode 3, Ned and Brian performed exceptionally during a rugby match against Greater Rosewater Comprehensive, overshadowing Barnaby, usually the star player, during the latter half of the match. Ned, Brian and the team were undergoing a metamorphasis to trolls by their new enchanted jerseys, giving them an increase in strength, speed and aggression while affecting judgement and intelligence in the process. This was disguised from any observers due to a glamour spell present in the new energy drink the sponsors gave the team.

Ned and Brian were later involved in an altercation after a trip to Nando's, their jerseys having turned them into trolls and giving them a taste for baby meat. Fortunately, Barnaby managed to distract them long enough so that the only collateral damage was property damage. The jerseys were cut off by the group who had rushed to Barnaby's aid. Ned appeared to be the more gravely-injured, being stabbed in the abdomen by Robert in the fight.

It transpired that the jerseys were donated to the team by their parents, who owned the relatively-major Phillips Gardening Consortium in what seemed to be a well-intentioned act. Their mother may be a witch or knowledgeable about the occult, possessing a book of dark magic in her business.

Later, Ned and Brian were visited by Barnaby in the hospital. There, the two appeared to have retained their pseudo-nordic accents from when they were transformed into trolls. Ned appeared to be concerned that a member of the quiz team, Janet, had not shown up to visit him; later, Barnaby encountered Janet and Violet after visiting the twins. It is not known whether Ned and Janet were in a relationship at the time, as Janet later showed a stronger interest in Robert.

After recovering, Ned was involved in rugby team tryouts, where he assisted Mr. Woodbridge by demonstrating rucking. When Layla attempted to try out, the twins were dismissive. She initially failed to ruck well against Ned's rucking pad, and rejected by Mr. Woodbridge for the team. Angered, she pushed so hard that she threw Ned across the field as a result, causing him quite serious injuries. Ned was wounded as a result, including a broken nose and a twisted ankle, and appeared to gain some fear towards Layla.

Ned appears to be the somewhat more-intelligent or knowledgable of the twins, studying history and knowing enough about Nordic history, 19th Century culture or Wagnerian opera that he could correct his brother on how horned helmets were never worn by vikings historically despite under the effect of the jersey. Janet has also shown a mild attraction towards "intelligent" boys while on the trip to the museum and in questioning from Imogen.

Much later, Ned and Brian appeared to reject Barnaby due to the latter's reduced jock-status and association with the school's outcasts, but the two nonetheless allowed a particularly jerkish Barnaby to rejoin. In particular, the two discussed Layla and bonking, Ned apparently unfazed by Layla despite her having thrown him across a rugby ptich. Later at lunch, a Layla with a completely inhibitionless personality dragged Brian away, leading Ned to believe that they were going to bonk. Imogen, Layla's girlfriend, objected, throwing cutlery at Ned and wounding him.

Later, Layla returned to question Violet, encountering Brian in the process. An altercation ensued over which version of events was true, Layla vehemently denying that she and Brian had bonked, resulting in Brian being hit by one of Layla's trademark attacks to the *arbor vitae*, landing a critical attack upon Brian's genitalia and breaking his femur.

Ned was probably still present and presumably further traumatised by Layla.

### Season 2

In the new year, Ned apparently got a Valentine's card and was quite excited, and told by Mr. Dewforth in class to look at it later. Having not brought his maths textbook, Julian Carroway was asked to grab a textbook off a shelf for him, only for the shelf to collapse and for Carroway to hit his head on the corner of a table behind him, resulting in his death.

Afterwards, during rugby, Ned and Brian teased Barnaby about the latter doing dancing and painting. While Barnaby's back was turned Ned threw a rugby ball too hard, resulting in it hitting the one of the girls doing netball, Synne Farshaw. After Barnaby and Ms. Woodbridge helped Synne, Barnaby offered to grab Synne's bag for her as she was to go home. Suspicious about the Valentine's cards throughout the day, Barnaby was given permission by Synne to look at the cards she received. One of these was a garish school-produced card from Ned with some atrocious generic poetry in it.