Incorrect Kaiverse Quotes

Into the Kaiverse AU

> Credits: Falcon/fangirl-616
> **Smith:** The Original S!Verse (Pre-Child's Play) Kai from SPBNR
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> **Red:** M!Verse Kai
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> **Aki:** Bizarro / Evil Clone Kai from Double Trouble
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> **Nep:** Modern Day Kai (No Elemental Powers)
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> **Mer:** Merlopian Kai
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> **Drake:** Dragon Kai
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> **Willow:** Oni Kai (Short for Will-o-Wisp)
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> **Ember:** Smith Swap Kai (ie. swaps Nya and Kai's ages)
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> **Ruby:** Medieval Knight Kai
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> **Emp:** Emperor Kai
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**Smith:** What even is it that motivates you?

**Aki:** I guess it’s an unhealthy mix of spite, pettiness, the thirst for vengeance, and pure, relentless rage.

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**Ruby, at his first time being in a modern world:** Uh, what would the chef recommend?

**Server:** Sir, this is a McDonalds.

**Ruby:** Oh, sorry. What would the McChef recommend?

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**Drake:** [screams]

**Willow:** [screams louder to assert dominance]

**Nep:** … should we do something?

**Mer:** No, I wanna see who wins this.

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**Nep:** Look, why don’t you take a page out of Ruby’s book and-

**Ruby:** No! Do *not* defile the books!

**Nep:** Wh-

**Ruby:** I thought you knew better!

**Nep:** It- it’s a metaphor-

**Ruby:** No one will be tearing out *any* pages!

**Nep:** Ruby, *please-*

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**Red:** That’s when I thought to myself, *’Don’t think, Red. Act.’*

**Nep:** So you weren’t thinking.

**Red:** Not at all, I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

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**Smith:** Yesterday I overheard Ember saying “Are you sure this a good idea?” and Willow replying “Trust me.” and I have never moved from one room to another so fast.

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**Aki:** Now you’re out of weapons! Ha!

**Mer, who has been spending maybe a little too much time with Drake:** CHOMP CHOMP TIME

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**Ember:** Why is Willow in time out?

**Smith:** Maybe you should ask Willow.

**Ember:** Okay. Willow, why are you in time out?

**Willow:** Saying curse words.

**Smith:** YOU STABBED SOMEONE TO DEATH. AFTER THEY SURRENDERED!

**Willow:** … okay, for lots of reasons.

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**Ruby:** Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again for taking advantage of my compassionate and forgiving nature! How dare you!

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**Drake, to Ember:** My advice is to do whatever you want and make loud hissing noises at anyone who stands in your way.

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**Smith, sliding a photo across the table:** I need you to stab this person in the leg.

**Willow:** This is a picture of you. Not even Aki, *you*.

**Smith:** Red wants me to try Zumba.

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**Nep:** Dads see their kids and say “Is anyone going to emotionally damage that?” and don’t wait for an answer.

**Smith:** Dads see their kids?

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**Ember:** I’m tired of everyone treating me like a kid!

**Red:** Here, have a juice box.

**Ember:** I’m not three!

**Red:** So… you don’t want it?

**Ember, snatching the juice box:** That’s not what I said!

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**Nep:** Has anyone here ever heard of critical thinking?!

**Red:** Hmm, I don’t think so. What are some of their songs?

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**Nep:** You handcuffed Willow to Smith?!

**Mer:** He put a dead fish in my bag!

**Nep:** Smith is way worse than a dead fish!

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**Nep, trying to lighten the mood:** So……what do you guys do with your families?

**Everyone:**

**Nep:** ...what?

**Willow:** The hell is a family?

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**Nep:** Are you guys… *okay?* Because I was mostly just trying to ignore all the weird stuff that’s been going with you all, but… uh… er. Have any of you considered, like, therapy?

**Willow:** What the hell is a therapy?

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**Smith:** So anyway that’s when the Great Devourer burst out of the ground-

**Mer:** Wait, how big was it again?

**Smith:** At this point? Maybe about as thick as a school bus and about two, three blocks long. By the time we were in the city, though, it was wider than the streets and long enough to wrap around over half the city. But right then, that was the part where it ate Sensei-

**Red:** It ate Master?! But I thought you mentioned him being alive more recently!

**Smith:** Oh, he is. He got eaten, but he didn’t die. We thought he did, though. It was-

**Nep, who has had his hands over his ears for the majority of the conversation trying to tune it out:** Okay! We are done talking about the death snake! *Done!* No more death snake and it being able to turn people evil and destroy cities!

**Smith:** I mean, yeah, no more ‘death snake’ because we killed it. It’s dead now. I… well, technically, I *guess* Garmadon killed it.

**Red:** … wait, what?

**Smith:** I-

**Nep, pulling out his gun:** *PLEASE* SHUT UP ABOUT THE GIANT DEATH SNAKE-

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**Smith:** And then I went outside to look for him, right? Because it had been almost six hours at that point.

**Nep:** I mean, Zane does like to be alone.

**Smith:** Fair enough, but it was getting late. Anyway, so I’m looking around, and I just can’t find him *anywhere.* So eventually, I go down to the docks. And guess where he was?

**Nep, suddenly stressing:** Where?

**Smith:** *Underwater.* Now, he’s gone under for a while before, but that… it’s way too long, you know?

**Nep, horrified:** Y- yeah… way too long.

**Smith:** Well, apparently he didn’t think so. Now, I’m not about to get myself all wet, and he’s still under there, so I’m trying to figure out what to do, y’know?

**Nep:** Call… call 911??

**Smith:** What? No. That would just be dumb. I grabbed a rock and threw it into the water-

**Nep:** *What?*

**Smith:** Yeah, I know, it was kinda dumb, looking back on it. It hit him… a lot harder than I meant it too. But it got his attention, and he looked up at me-

**Nep, who's Zane *isn't* a nindroid:** ***WHAT?***

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**Smith, fondly:** Yeah, Zane stayed underwater for 2 hours one time just to help me find one of the training swords I dropped

**Nep:** He came up for air during that time, right?

**Smith:**

**Nep:** He came up for air, right?

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**Smith, talking about his world's Zane:** So yeah half his face fell off during training because Cole hit him a *liiiiittle* too hard. Thankfully it’s nothing that hasn’t happened before so-

**Nep:** EXUSE ME HIS WHAT

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**Nep:** Okay I know I asked you guys to explain what the hell has been going on but I take it back *I don’t wanna know-*

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**Nep, talking about his world's Garmadon (a regular guy & corrupt politician):** Yeah, I’ve met him a few times while hanging with Lloyd. The guy is kinda unnerving, to tell you the truth.

**Red:** Yeah, especially with the red eyes and four arms, it’s just- it’s really creepy.

**Nep:**

**Nep:** Sorry?

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**Nep, screaming:** I DID NOT SIGN UP TO BE RUNNING AWAY FROM GOVERNMENT FORCES, WHO LET THIS HAPPEN
**Smith:** That would be Aki

**Nep:** THAT WAS RHETORICAL

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**Nep, upon returning to his home realm to find it in chaos over the appearance of a dragon, magic, and other Kaiverse shenanigans:** *You guys ruined my life*

**Smith:** … sorry? Wait, actually, maybe I can fix it.

**Nep:** No, no, no I have had *enough* of your ‘help’-

**Smith:** No I think I can fix this one!! I just go talk to the Emperor or whoever and explain that it was magic and not your fault!

**Nep:**

**Nep:** If I had a week I couldn’t explain all the reasons that wouldn’t work. Starting with the fact that *this isn’t a monarchy.*

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**Nep's Realm!Nya:** A reasonable explanation. For a dragon. A- a *dragon*.

**Nep, glancing at Drake:** Honestly that probably would’ve been my first reaction if I hadn’t already been through so much. Maybe with a bit more screaming, even.

**Nya:** Kai- wait, if you hadn’t- *you met a dragon when you went missing?*

**Drake:** I can hear you. I can literally hear you, don’t talk about me like I’m not he-

**Nep:** *Drake please shut up dragons aren’t supposed to talk-*

**Drake:** I thought that dragons just weren’t supposed to exist in general?

**Nep:** Yeah, that too.

**Nya:**

**Nya:** What the *hell*?——————————————————————————————

**Nep:** This is it! This is the final straw!

**Ruby:** Wait, we’re out of straws?

**Red:** No, I thought we still had some.

**Smith:** You guys use straws?

**Red:** Not usually, but Ember likes them, so if we’re going out I can pick some up.

**Mer:** Well, don’t get paper straws.

**Ember:** Oh, they make metal straws now! We can grab some of those!

**Willow:** What’s wrong with just regular plastic straws?

**Mer:** The turtles, Willow.

**Willow:** Turtles don’t use straws.

**Mer:** I- I know, that’s not what I was trying to-

**Smith:** Alright, alright, first things first, we need to work out if we even need more straws.

**Ruby:** Nep just said he used the last straw.

**Smith:** Well, maybe he was lying.

**Ember:** Why would he lie about something like that?

**Willow:** Ask him yourself. He’s climbing out the window right now.

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**Mer:** Willow knocked someone out!

**Red:** Okay, well, if Willow punched someone I’m sure he had a good reason.

**Willow:** I saw face. I hit face.

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**Aki:** Good morning, everyone! The First Spinjitzu Master has let me live for another day and I’m about to make that everybody else’s problem.

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**Mer, to Aki:** I’m going to defeat you with the power of friendship and also this sword I found!

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**Nep:** Okay, I think everyone here knows exactly what happened... so someone please tell me 'cause I'm totally lost.

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**Smith:** Oh, whoops!

**Nep:** Whoops? *Whoops?!* This is not a “whoops” situation. We are far past whoops! Whoops is a distant speck in the rear view mirror. We are solidly in “Oh f---” territory, and I expect you to act like it!!

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**Smith:** We need a plan. How long can you hold your breath?

**Nep:** I don’t know, a minute?

**Smith:** Not long enough. Are you familiar with the technique ‘slam and cram’?

**Nep:** No, and I don’t think I want to be.

**Smith:** … how attached are you to your pinky?

**Nep:** Very, *very* much attached, and for the record, I will not be going through any plan with a vaguely terrifying question.

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**Cat!Smith:** I’m full of rage and dangerously stupid but the First Spinjitzu Master is holding me back by the scruff of my neck like a kitten.

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**Mer:** The door’s locked.

**Ruby:** I can try to find the key.

**Mer:** No, give me a sec and I can pick the-

**Willow:** [kicks down door]

**Willow:** I don’t believe in locks.

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**Nep:** If guardian angels are real, mine’s off drinking vodka straight from the bottle and pretending I don’t exist.

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**Nep:** Y’know, I wonder what it feels like to know what the *f---* is going on.

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**Smith:** We should split up.

**Nep:** Oh *hell* no. We are sticking together, one hundred percent. Have you never seen a horror movie?

**Smith:** Nep, it’s the best way to cover the most ground.

**Nep:** Okay... okay, you see, that’s exactly what they say before they get picked off one by one.

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**Aki:** I woke up today and I’m choosing violence.

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**Willow:** Uh-huh, and who made you the boss?

**Smith:** I’m not the boss, I’m the leader.

**Willow:** You’re the *leader*? But your voice still cracks!

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**Willow:** I’m so sick of all these intolerant questions.

**Willow, mockingly:** “Why is there blood on your clothes?” “Why are your eyes glowing?” “Are those fangs?”.

**Willow:** Why does no one respect personal privacy around here?

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**Smith:** Red, you’re in charge while I’m gone.

**Red:** Alright, I’m your guy.

**Smith:** Don’t do anything stupid.

**Red:** … okay, I’m kinda your guy.

**Smith:** And keep Drake and Willow out of trouble.

**Red:** You need another guy.

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**Willow:** Can you pass me the salt?

**Nep?** What’s the magic word?

**Willow:**

**Willow:** [begins chanting in Oni]

**Nep, frantically handing him the salt:** *OH MY GOD JUST TAKE IT-*

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**Red:** I think we’re going to be picking up someone new.

**Willow:** Are we stealing them?

**Mer:** New or used?

**Red:** Wonderful responses, both of you.

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**Smith:** Okay, that’s the plan. Any questions?

**Mer:** If plants are alive, then are plastic flowers mannequins?

**Smith:** Any questions from anyone other than Mer?

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**Red:** In Scooby-Doo, secret tunnels are always behind shelves and stuff.

**Nep:** Can we not base our real life decisions on what does and doesn’t happen in Scooby-Doo?

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**Nep:** When I said to bring me something back from the beach, I meant, like, a seashell or something!

**Mer, struggling to hold onto a seagull:** Well then why didn’t you say that?!

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**Red:** Hey, remember when we met?

**Nep:** The moment we met was the moment I realized that God didn’t give a damn for my sanity.

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**Aki:** Now, if you want to live, tell me where Smith is.

**Ruby:** Bold of you to assume he would tell us.

**Mer:** Bold of you to assume I want to live.

**Willow:** Bold of you to assume I haven’t already died.

**Nep:** [internal screaming]

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**Nep:** Guys, listen. I think the worst thing we can do right now is take matters into our own hands.

**Smith:** Got it. You’re totally right.

**Nep:** [nods and leaves the room]

**Smith, turning towards the rest of the Kai Squad:** Guys, we’re gonna have to take matters into our own hands.

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**Ember:** Go fish.

**Smith:** Wait, I thought we were playing blackjack?

**Ruby:** I’m playing hearts…

**Red:** Pikachu, I choose you!

**Willow, on the table:** CHECKMATE!

**Nep, shaking:** *What are we playing?*

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**Nep:** I’ve never smoked marijuana. I mean, I ate a brownie once at a party. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn’t any pot in the brownie, though. It was just an insanely good brownie.

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**Nep:** Ugh, that realm sucked. I’m exhausted.

**Ruby, who has recently learned more about jokes:** Hello exhausted…

**Nep:** No. No, no, no, no, Ruby please don’t-

**Mer, practically vibrating:** Do it!

**Ruby:** I’m Ruby!

**Nep:** *NOOOO-*

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**Willow:** Hitting the gym to relieve stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people who caused the stress to begin with.

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**Nep:** You know, you can solve some problems without violence.

**Willow:** Okay, but consider: I’m really, really good at violence.

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**Smith:** What are we gonna do?

**Ember:** I could set it on fire.

**Smith:** No, but keep that in your back pocket.

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**Willow:** Shut up, Drake! When you agree with me, it makes me question whether I actually agree with me.

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**Smith:** Listen, we need your help.

**Emp:** Great. Who are we killing? I won’t do kids, that’s a rule. But that rule is negotiable if the kid’s a dick.

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**Emp:** Do something fun, then. Blow up the house or whatever.

**Nep:** How the hell have you survived this long?

**Emp:** Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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**Nep:** I need a creepy friend to scare off all the other creepy people.

**Willow:** I would be honoured to be that friend.

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**Smith:** Hey, what do you want to eat?

**Overlord, inside Emp’s head:** The souls of the innocent!

**Emp:** A bagel.

**Overlord:** Noooo!

**Emp:** Two bagels.

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**Willow:** Can I tell you something? Can you keep a secret?

**Emp:** Do you know anything about my realm?

**Willow:** No, I guess not. Good point.

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