Ranger News

## April 2020 (4/20 BAY BEEE!)

### 4/4: No School!

THE WORLD - The acclaimed prophet Alice Cooper was indeed correct. There are no more pencils, no more books, and no more teachers' dirty looks. School has been blown to pieces, and school's out indefinitely, which is pretty much the same thing as forever for this years senior class. Praise be to Coop.

Ranger News does regret that our reporters have been until now preoccupied with more pressing matters concerning the coronavirus outbreak. Ever since March 13, when it was declared by the angelic and beatified Tony Evers that school was to close on the Third Day for a time unspecified, all the citizens and therefore all the reporters of Logan High Not-School-Anymore have been busy with such noble tasks as the binging of Stranger Things or the development of their respective Minecraft realms.

Nonetheless, the Ranger News team has thought it necessary to inform you that school is now closed, and advises you not to do dumb shit like coughing on grandma. Tony Evers has prohibited all social gatherings and nonessential activities, and until further notice, coughing is not allowed. We have also taken the liberty of interviewing various students to hear their thoughts during this unprecedented time. Let's hear what they have to say.

> "*I'm not really worried, cuz I heard it, like, hits smokers really hard but I don't really smoke cigs.*"
> ― Student Who Spends 6 Hours/day Vaping in the Bathroom
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> "*You all are going to be shaggy and need haircuts, but guess who won't need one? Who's laughing now, huh?*"
> ― Mr. Martin
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> "*I guess it's time for me to actually kill my husband.*"
> ― Ms. Koth
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> "*Seems like a good time for a test.*"
> ― Ms. K
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> "*Now the Democrats are politicizing the coronavirus. You know that, right? Coronavirus. They’re politicizing it. We did one of the great jobs... And this is their new hoax. But you know, we did something that’s been pretty amazing. We’re 15 people [cases of coronavirus infection] in this massive country. And because of the fact that we went early, we went early, we could have had a lot more than that.*"
> ― President Trump on February 28
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> "*Fuck, man.*"
> ― Jimmy
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You heard it here first, folks. Coming to you barely live, this is Ranger News. Tune in next time for more tidings of death and despair.

## September 2019

### 9/17: Wiki Week!

LOGAN – Well, it's Tuesday, and Logan is celebrating the Wiki's Birthday in full force. It's really hard to believe it's been a year already, but here we are celebrating the Wiki Week (aka Homecoming in honor of the Wiki returning to the halls of Logan). Hallways have been decorated, dress-up days have been dressed-up, and the Wiki Week Dance will follow the Wiki Week Football Game this Friday. There are even rumors that Brother/Father Gnewikow himself has been spotted wandering the halls wishing students a Happy Wiki Week. It truly is touching to see the entire school gather behind such a wonderful cause.

The Class of 2020's Wiki Week banner -->

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### 9/10: Erak has drunkeden a Coke!

BOARDGAMEGEEK, WI – Long-time board gamer, father, and Coke-drinker Erak the Frizzy was reportedly the centerpiece of a verbal altercation yesterday, according to D&D co-PC and Mountain Dew aficionado Brandon of the Basement. The dispute arose when Erak, a Logan grad of the class of 2007, declared that it was time for the traditional Telling of the Story of the First Coke, whereupon Mr. of the Basement uttered his dissent, citing the repetitive nature of the story. Mr. the Frizzy is quoted as saying, "well, if you're such a flarping expert, why don't you tell the story!" Witnesses were unable to confirm this statement, but multiple sources have reported that Mr. of the Basement desperately resorted to the BoardGameGeek forums. Tempers were raised, and it is unclear as to whether the dispute has been resolved. The authorities have yet to arrive on the scene. We are certain that only time will tell what shall become of this pressing issue.

## January 2019

### 1/24: SHIT I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL

LA CROSSE, WI – "Fuck fuck fuck fuck" screamed Junior Eric Landon, while stuck at a red light. Landon reportedly slept through his alarm clock, waking up at 7:30–school starting in ten minutes. Landon quickly threw on some clothes and shoved a nutri-grain bar into his mouth. Unfortunately in his haste he left his math homework lying on the table. Eric didn't even have time to scrape the snow off from his car, this indecisiveness contributing to the toppled over trash cans in his alley. "I can still make it, I wont be late" assured Landon as he sped through a red light. As he pulled into the parking lot at 7:38, Landon felt his heart stop when he got to his parking spot. "That son of a bitch parked in my spot again!" exclaimed Landon as he glared at Chad Johnson's 2004 Toyota Camry. At 7:39 Landon said "Fuck it" and parked in the teacher Kudos Award parking spot. As the bell rang Landon burst into the classroom, before realizing that it was an ELD and he didn't need to be at school until 9:45.

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### 1/21: Freshman Still Can't Find a Girlfriend

LA CROSSE, WI – Local freshman Ron Sanders has been reported as "completely defeated" after he was brutally rejected yet again by a girl way out of his league. "You know I thought I had a chance this time... I really thought that we had something good going on, but I guess she wasn't ready to take our relationship past the level of someone I see at school twice a day". Despite his extremely romantic offer to share his meager rations of greasy school pizza, Sandra (who's *toootally* a babe too) completely shut him down with one fell "ehww." Fortunately, Ron now realizes that just because a girl acknowledges him in the hallway, it does not mean that she is madly in love with him but too nervous to express her true feelings.

\*Note that the Wiki Team will continue to follow the story of Ron Sanders in a segment known as *Wow, Look at This Miserable Son of a Bitch*

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### 1/15: Someone is AirPlaying to the Screen in the Commons and it's Hilarious

LA CROSSE, WI – So theres this screen in the commons, and it usually has a slide show made by the librarian about things, I wouldn't know. Like most students and faculty, I do not pay attention to that screen. But guess what? You can AirPlay to that screen from *your* computer! This was first discovered on January 14th by a local hero, and more and more students are beginning to catch on to it. During the lunch period today somebody was AirPlaying their Fortnite game but unfortunately a staff member, to many boos from the growing crowd, shut off the screen before the match could load.

Not everyone is happy with this discovery though...

> "*Quit fucking around with that slide show. I honestly did not know that there was a projector in the commons, hell I didn't even know that we still have a librarian. Do people even check out books anymore? Also, did you know that Mr. Gnewikow had a baby? Anyways, the dipshits who are doing this need to stop. Since when did high schoolers feel the irrational need to wreak havoc on the public institution of education?*"
> ― Tony Depalo
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### 1/14: FATHER Gnewikow

LA CROSSE, WI – I am pleased to say that Mr. Gnewikow has an heir to his high and mighty position. I would not be surprised to see his newborn leading the new world order in a couple of decades.

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### 1/9: Horoscopes

Capricorn: Prophecy will be fulfilled when you walk away from this horoscope with a mixture of awe, confusion, amusement, and disgust.

Aquarius: The stars say that if you're dumb enough to read horoscopes then you're dumb enough to die. Look out.

Pisces: Your assassinator is Jeff.

Aries: Your sign is The Bull, so don't be too surprised that everything that comes out of your mouth is also bull.

Taurus: Even though life is hard sometimes, remember that you are special. Everything will be alright in the end, and there are good people looking out for you. Remember to count your blessings and know that even at your most discouraged, you'll be OK.

Gemini: Laugh at all your Taurus friends who think everything will be alright. Take comfort in the fact that they're deluding themselves and will become another meaningless hunk of worm food just like everybody else.

Cancer: Maybe it's just coincidence that your sign and your doctor agree.

Leo: Be wary of men in black coats carrying pink umbrellas.

Virgo: That question lingering in the back of your mind can be easily answered by meditation, prayer, and a few decades of introspection.

Libra: If your hand is bigger than your face it's a sign that you might have diabetes.

Scorpio: You probably have a future, but the stars are too tired to tell you anything good.

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### 1/3/19: Humiliation Day

YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!

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## December 2018

### 12/26: Happy Holidays!

I would like to wish you a happy holidays from the Logan High School Wiki Team!

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## November 2018

### 11/18: This Wiki is Dead

Unfortunately, this wiki is dead. Farewell, comrades.

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## October 2018

### 10/30: Brother Gnewikow Growing Out Beard

LA CROSSE, WI – At least, sources hope that this is the case. Other possible explanations include the current shortage of razor blades, an inability for Brother Gnewikow to find time to shave due to his extreme devotion to his duties as Supreme Benevolent Ruler, or facial fungus. Only time will tell what becomes of this recent development. We are all certainly hoping for the best.

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### 10/19: Successful Bullying Assembly Organized

THE FIELDHOUSE – The intelligent administration of Logan High School made the decision to invite a speaker to come to Logan and speak about bullying. The entire student body was very respectful, leading to Brother Gnewikow giving praise for students following the minimum expectation. Speaking on the behalf of Logan students, I would say that we all took away a powerful message from the speaker. We all look forward to seeing a friendly and welcoming Logan High School in the future. Of course, we all know that won't happen cuz Abie is a dickhead.

### Update: War of Crust Ended!

THE MIDWEST THEATER – Victory is ours! The vile Anti-Crust has been vanquished, his opinions banished. Citizens are now free to enjoy their pizza knowing that Brother Gnewikow has preserved the sanctity of the crust. For more information see The War of the Crust.

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### Notice: Hey Eric, Come Pick Up Your Fucking Wedding Ring

Yeah, you heard me. Come get it already. We're waiting.

Dipshit.

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### RANGER NEWS VANDALIZED!

Friends, brothers, comrades,

A grievous crime has been committed by a ruffian claiming to be the friend of the people. This horrible person, hellbent on the destruction of all that we love, claims the username "AWAKEN SHEEPLE" and wrote a slanderous article sullying the honorific name of Brother Gnewikow. Clearly, this ragamuffin intends to sow dissent, disorder, and discomfort in our society in order to tear down everything the great Brother Gnewikow has built up. Citizens are warned to take no stock in this horrendous article, and to do what they can to keep spirits high despite this egregious offense to our society.

Anyone with information about the whereabouts or identity of this vandalist should contact the Inner Office immediately. Please help us bring down this nasty villain and give him justice.

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### ~~WAKE UP! BROTHER GNEWIKOW IS NOT PERFECT!~~

Comrades,y~~ou have been LIED TO!!! All of the teachings you have had about how Brother Gnewikow is the perfect leader are FALSE!!! He has faults, and Airstrip Logan has brainwashed you to ignore them! For example, local student Keoni Young needed our "Fearless Leader" to send out an email for scholarship opportunity by 8am on Monday, and Brother Gnewikow ***DIDN'T***. He only sent the email by noon that day, causing Mr. Young to lose the scholarship and waste *hours upon hours* on essays that ended up voided because the email was sent out late. The second example is how he has been LYING to you ALL about his perfection. He is NOT infallible, and has been feeding you lies from the moment you walked in the "perfect" halls of Airstrip Logan.~~

~~Go forth. Spread the truth. Brother Gnewikow is NOT supreme! Down with Brother Gnewikow!! DOWN WITH AIRSTRIP LOGAN!!!~~

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### 10/3: Breaking Now: Abie And Jacob Having 30min Argument Over Who More Gay

^^

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### 10/3: BREAKING! NOTHING HAS HAPPENED!

In a shocking turn of events leaving everyone dumbfounded, at 9:53am CST, absolutely nothing has happened! Despite the overwhelming expectations of literally everybody, it has been confirmed that there is absolutely no news to report. Reporters are scrabbling to find new stories to cover, but it appears there is nothing even resembling something newsworthy out there. If no news is good news, then today is certainly *the best* news day, due to the utter lack of even one single local, national, or world event. You may as well stop reading now, since there is jack squat to report on. We can only hope that something, anything will happen tomorrow, but prospects are dim.

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### 10/2: BROTHER GNEWIKOW EXECUTES NEARLY FLAWLESS FIRE DRILL

As multiple sources report, there was an organized fire drill on the premises of Logan High School. Our very own fearless leader, Brother Gnewikow, orchestrated the whole situation. In a phenomenal execution of his plan, the entire student body participated in an exodus to the outside of the building. Reports state that students met the time expectation of 2 minutes 26 seconds, however Brother Gnewikow was not satisfied. After learning of our amazing performance, Gnewikow raised the standards to under 2 minutes. After a meaningful celebration staff were seen preparing to meet the new time requirements set by Brother Gnewikow. Damn west door people.

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### Weekly MeToo Accusation

[From Me Too]

I'm gonna say it. It has taken many years (minutes) to process what has happened but now I feel confident to speak out. It's hard to remember the details. I was in a car, and Tommy Lenz was driving, and the next thing I know, Tommy was.. (this portion of the text has been censored due to letting the reader make their own conclusion). So thats what happened. It just feels good to finally say it to a real person and not my imaginary friends.

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### 10/1: REPORTS: BROTHER GNEWIKOW IN RARE FORM

According to the multitude of reports flooding in to the Ranger News headquarters, Brother Gnewikow is in rare form, even for one so great as he. Not only did he start the day with a memorable speech on the intercom that reportedly left 19 in inconsolable tears of joy, but he followed up his speech with a fabulous one-man cover performance of "Thunderstruck" that was so good as to be undistinguishable from the real thing, excepting that it was noticeably, yet not distractingly, better than ACDC's original recording. This was followed up by the aforementioned addition of a Posting of the Announcements, resulting in a 246 percent increase in student morale. Not to slow up so early in the day, the great Brother Gnewikow followed this up with a slew of hilarious jokes that left most, if not all classes in hysterics for just long enough to not disturb class. Then, as multiple sources have confirmed, the ever-humble Brother Gnewikow visited the 6th hour AP Chem classroom, sharing his wealth of knowledge about orbitals, suborbitals, and atomic structure. Mr. Brownell surely would have been embarrassed to tears at his superior's knowledge were it not for the astounding humility of Brother Gnewikow as he pretended not to know the difference between an isomer and isotope in order to make Mr. Brownell feel better. There have also been a slew of baby-kissing reports coming in, as well as a plethora of soup-kitchen photoshoots. I swear, that man achieves more in his lunch break than I will in my life. To close such a historic day, the glorious Brother Gnewikow announced he had flown down to aid the Brewers in their baseball game against the hated Goldsteinian Cubs, hitting a homer in the eighth to help them defeat their hated rivals 3-1. Nothing has been confirmed yet, but reports are already flooding in preemptively about tomorrow's fantastic feats.

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### 10/1: BROTHER GNEWIKOW DEVISES FANTASTIC WAY TO DISTRIBUTE ANNOUNCEMENTS

In a stroke of genius not uncommon for such a brilliant man, Brother Gnewikow has developed a fabulous new way to disseminate such valuable information as a FAFSA help group meeting and Senior Advisory meetings. Surely this fantastic development will improve attendance of many extracurricular groups, proving the ingenuity of Brother Gnewikow once again. Surely this will also contribute to our superiority over Centralasia as well. One thing is certain; citizens of AIrstrip Logan have great reason to celebrate following this most novel development.

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## September 2018

### 9/28: BREAKING: USED BIRTH CONTROL DEVICE FOUND AT HICKEY PARK

We are regretful to report that the Logan Cross Country team, in the middle of a run that passed through said park, found a used contraceptive item in the middle of a local children's playground. The offending item was located to the north of the playground, and was promptly buried to avoid further incidence. Therefore, whatever you do, DO NOT DIG IN THE NORTHERN QUADRANT OF HICKEY PARK. You have been warned.

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### 9/28: BROTHER GNEWIKOW GRANTS 10 MINUTE PASSING TIME!

Sources report that the estimable Brother Gnewikow has granted a 10 minute passing time following the highly successful assembly! Students were seen exiting the fieldhouse with barely contained excitement as the exuberant masses surged through the halls, carrying Brother Gnewikow aloft.

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### 9/27: SOREN TAPES CARDBOARD ON DOOR

Local sophomore Soren Doerfucker has committed an atrocity to our lobby door! Last night, immediately following the wildly successful Airstrip Logan Victory Band Torchlight Parade performance, this notorious delinquent snuck in a load of cardboard and tape and vandalized our pristine lobby doors. The custodians were in a frenzy by Friday morning, as students stared in shock at the mess of tape, cardboard, and enmity. His motives for such a vile act of cardboarding are as yet unknown, but it can only be assumed that there shall be a stiff price to pay. On an unrelated note, several students appear to have created a new game in honor of the upcoming homecoming week. The name of this novel rock-paper-scissors style game, judging by the yelling and laughter, seems to be Soren-bullet-door.

2/11: DANIEL ADLER SWEARS?!

Daniel Adler, a math teacher at Logan High, swears often and was punched in the face by Sir Wally Gnewikow. Please stop this madness!!!! Bang bang choo choo train, shut your yapper!