Strange Sports

"*Now, I'm no sports man myself. In fact, I don't think I've ever actually won a sport in my life.*"
―Erik
Strange Sports is the 74th lesson of Internet Comment Etiquette. It was released on August 31, 2017.

## Summary

Erik isn't very good at traditional sports, so he decides to look at some stranger sports. He watches a video of a slap contest.

Erik explains that he doesn't use the word "strange" to disparage these sports, but then he sees fingerboarding and wishes he could disparage it. Then a kid wins $5,000 in a fingerboarding contest and Erik decides that it's awesome. Erik concludes that he's too old for fingerboarding, so instead he looks at putting ferrets in your pants.

Next, Erik looks at competitive shin kicking, but he isn't interested. The narrator mentions tiddlywinks, so Erik looks into that and decides it's not exciting enough.

He becomes worried that there's no sport that accommodates his lifestyle of sitting around drinking Red Bull and playing video games. Then he realizes that there are competitive video game tournaments. He tries to play a game, but he teamkills and gets kicked out of the game.

Erik finds a video called "Sex Competition" so he watches it but it's actually just a movie so he goes back into video games and kills a teammate for calling him a bitch. Then he finds the opposite of a sex competition, which is people playing Quidditch. Erik doesn't really get it, but then he realizes that it's easy to be the best at made up sports, so he invents dick typing. Robot gives Erik a score of 10, and Erik becomes the dick typing champion.

Erik celebrates by dick typing a tweet to Ted Cruz and sustains an athletic injury.

## Comments

*Been practicing this sport a lot with my kids! It's great because they'll get that college scholarship for the slap team and I get to find cathartis about my sham of a marriage.*
- Erik

*Yo I keep losing these things inside my dog WTF I gotta start tying strings to my finger skateboards. My dad says he's gonna take the dog away if I don't stop doing sick ollies into its asshole. My last trick I grinded my skateboard off the edge of a bookshelf and landed a six foot nollie kickflip but once again my dog was in the way so I lost all those points. I got a cat too but he's smarter than he looks and just sprints out the room the moment he sees my tech decks. I wear a little helmet on the top of my hand in case I take a nasty spill, but the only protection I really need is from PETA, who found my address when I posted some vids of my sick 180 dog-slides onto facebook. But hey, congrats on your 5k whoever won, though watching the footage I could tell all these kids are doping. You gotta piss test your finger skaters and ban anyone from Russia if you wanna run a respectable competition here folks**Sincerely,
Scott "I Use Dogs as Condoms" Baio*
- Erik

*Tried to play this game in a Petco the other day and got escorted out by security. They thought I only put one ferret down my pants though, so I got out of there with four of those fuckers for free! Man ferrets are fucking crazy and after what I experienced I can only assume that these creatures see the human taint as their biggest natural predator. They ripped me up real good and turned me into a human sock puppet.**Hey did you know ferrets are the only species in the animal kingdom that experience regret? In the case of this video, I'm pretty sure all those little fucks regret being born in fucking Scotland, the only country where this shit won't get you a court date. Then again in America we have a sport we like to call “is this cop gonna shoot me?" but much like basketball it's not for white people, so hey I guess every country's got its quirks!**Anyway thanks Petco for this new fur coat I just made, gonna wear it to my next crisis actor meet n greet at bohemian grove. There's no ferrets in those woods so I'll just stuff a wolf down my pants and see how long it takes to eat its way out through my body. LOL hail satan*
- Erik

*Tiddlywinks? I'd rather be diddling twinks lol but seriously this game looks stupid. I'd rather get shoved down a chimpanzee's pants and wriggle around as it desperately tries to claw me out. While I'm down there I might even catch some ape jizz in a jar and sell it to China for whatever the hell those people do with it. Anyway this video really cemented the idea for me that I'll never visit the UK but I will sell them t-shirts!*
- Erik

*Yo what up pussies, how about you ditch this dumb video game shit and watch a real man's sport like soccer where if somebody gets too close you seize up like a fainting goat and sprawl onto the ground holding your leg crying. Watching soccer is like being friends with a 47 year old virgin, in that nobody scores unless they do something illegal. Maybe soccer is popular around the world because it's so goddamn annoying to watch that it gives the audience a reason to beat the shit out of each other in the stands. I've got a Brazilian uncle who likes to shoot flares at the players -- doesn't matter what team they're on! I mean I know soccer is the most boring sport after baseball but for christ's sake these people make Philadelphia fans look like a live audience on The Daily Show. What was this comment about again?**TL;DR LOL TK*
- Erik

*Damn I thought this was gonna be a bunch of weird nerds playing this game but you guys look TOIIIIGHT I'd let any of you put your finger in my muggle or whatever I didn't read these books and it's only now that I'm typing this comment with my big ol broomstick that I regret it. Harry Potter is about an old gay dude who takes a scarred orphan under his wing or something right? Or am I thinking about Milo Yiannopoulos' origin story? The only difference I see is that Milo's scars are all on the inside where his emotions used to be. Anyway thank you fellow athletes for this wonderful video and I bet you can't catch this snootch:
(\_)\_)::::::::::::::::D~~~~~~THREE POINTS!!!~~~~~*
- Erik

*@tedcruz What's it feel like to talk shit on states that need aid now that you've got water up to your fat nipples you gross butter imp*
- @commentiquette

## Video

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