Jaime's Journal

Back to Jaime.

A collection of personal scenes, recollections, and notes.

## S03E21 - SuperSpar

*Jaime fiddles with the USB drive, again. It twirls over and under and around their fingers as they flip it around. Nervous fucking habit.*

In which Jaime completes a favor.

**April 30, 2019**
**1200 hours**
Jaime fiddles with the USB drive, again. It twirls over and under and around their fingers as they flip it around. Nervous fucking habit.
They sit at their desk, in front of their computer. “GAIA? Show security footage. April 29. 1800 hours.”

The monitor flickers, the security footage rolling. They tap a few keys, fast-forwarding through the endless shot. Then, there it is--a writhing tendril of black smoke, that slowly expands before Jack steps out. He looks around the room, almost appreciatively, before setting the nondescript package on the desk.
Then he looks at the security camera, winks, and disappears into a wisp of smoke.
*Fuck* that guy.

Jaime didn’t realize just how much they resented Jack until they left. Until they saw him again. His stupid, fucking dirty blonde hair. His hardened eyes. His fucking swagger…

And yet, Jaime did as he asked. Because of course they did.
They barely knew anything else.
So here they were, ready to give Jack what he wanted, just not in the way that he wanted it. Because if Jack can just get into their \*room\* like that, Jaime knows they’ve only had this freedom because Jack wanted them to have it. Maybe they should talk to someone about an anti-teleportation magic….
With any luck, the files would corrupt his computer, or their own damn system, or *something* that’s better than this. Jaime knew Orbital’s files were extensive. They had to wonder if Jack was using this for the team? Or for his own personal gain. They never knew. There was always something more sinister about Jack than he let on.
## Jaime sighed, shoved their hand through their hair, and got changed.

By the time Jaime got to the drop point, they didn’t look like themselves. They were softer, a bit smaller, blonde, more feminine, but older. It wasn’t much of a disguise, especially against Jack, but it was something. They scanned, instinctively, for traps, for surveillance, for enemies. They know Jack wouldn’t be here, but they also knew he’d be watching.

It was a typical drop, one they’d used about a hundred times. A park bench, near a fountain, still empty and shut off for winter. There was a bit of a trick to it, a slide in the wrought iron, revealing a small cache. Jaime sat down, casually, before slipping the drive into the location, sliding the cover back on.

They hope he’s satisfied. That Temperance is satisfied. That the League is satisfied--

Jaime thought that things would be easier once they left. That the weird guilt would go away, the shame, the fear… It all seems to have stuck around, just moved in a different direction, which is almost worse. But there’s just been moral dilemmas, unsatisfying instructions, feeling like they’re drowning, gasping for air. And they’re not even *safe.*

It feels like so much is their responsibility, whether because they’re trying to atone for what they’ve done, and almost did, or not. The team is doing crazy, wonderful, world altering things. They stopped aliens from invading Earth, for now. And everything else everyone’s done.

Sometimes, it makes Jaime miss being the weapon, not the wielder.

Someone sits next to them on the park bench, and they tuck a strand of blonde hair behind their ears, ducking their head. For everyone else, it is a normal day. The sun was shining. The wintery air was finally warming, even though it’s nearly May. Squirrels darted across the grass, from tree to tree. People chatted.

Jaime closed their eyes. They took a deep breath. They had this freedom, now.

It would have to do.

## S03E24 - A Poked Bear

*I don’t know why I’m doing this. It feels… I don’t know. It feels useless? Stupid? Like, who wants to trawl through the piles of absolute shit that’s going on*

In which Jaime lays on their bed and swears a lot and talks to GAIA.

But I think something is trying to tell me that I shouldn’t just ignore shit. You know, like I’ve done for fucking ever. And it’s worked so far, I guess. I mean, I’m here, at least, aren’t I? A real fucking hero.
I’m not killing anyone. Or being taught how to. Or whatever. And that feels so goddamn distant now. That life feels so far away and unimportant, even though it was my whole life. Now that I’ve somehow got the fate of the world in my hands, and a frenemy conveniently throwing a fun wrench into things. It sounds like, maybe, I should work through some of my shit. And I don’t think I want to let anyone in here if I can help it. So, you, computer, you’re probably my best shot. Something something self-help. Something something journalling. Something something….. whatever. You know I thought I could write, if I really wanted to but. I don’t know, GAIA. That reminds me too much of my reports, you know?
We used to do that after our missions, to be, like, official or whatever. And it sucked, and was exhausting. We’d always be riding so high on Jack’s adrenaline pumping…. It was like, trying to see everything, all the time. And how everything would be. And how it could fuck us, or how we get out, or how to get in. How to….eliminate targets. And then every fucking detail.
They’d quiz us, cause, you know, that’s something that you do to kids on a mission. Ask them inane things like, how many red hats we saw, or what hole the guard’s belt was on, or whatever. Like, I had to worry about that shit, and actually doing the mission, and like, ninety percent of the time being someone else.
A job would, typically go like this. Something would happen we’d get a mission or whatever. Half the team would go in, cause they were stronger and better and faster than I was. Like I’m good. I’m still good, and I got an advantage the rest of them don’t. Quite literally using an enemy’s momentum and energy against them.
But they’d smash and grab, kidnap some fucking guy, or girl, or whatever. And then I’d drain them. I’d become them. We’d done research beforehand, right. The things that they liked. How I could best become them. Pass for them.
I learned a lot of things like that. I can fool biometrics. I can fool a lot of people if I’m just confident. People don’t ask much further if you say you’ve got a stomach bug, or got shaken up by the superhero disaster of the week.
I don’t like being other people though, GAIA. Like, taking their energy is bad enough. Taking their life, and then using it for my own purposes…. fuck.
Wren called me a vampire. I’m sure you heard, if you were like, listening at all. Wren called me a vampire and sounded excited about it. Like, it was supposed to be some fucking cool thing. Sure, your life force energy comes back, as long as there’s enough of it left. And sure I’m not as violent as a vampire. But it is a very apt metaphor, and I don’t remember any non-sparkly vampires being a good thing.
Like, I can’t hurt you, GAIA. Well. I think I could, cause it works in the Danger Room, but it’s gonna be harder. And different. But I’m always hurting everyone, at least a little bit. I struggle to like, not, sometimes? I don’t know. I have to focus, to be able to touch people. I have to focus, to not take too much if I try to exert myself. It’s like I’m an energy magnet or something, like it’s just attracted to me. And it’s like, I’m meant to use it. And that’s terrifying, like, really terrifying.
Can I tell you something, GAIA? Like, a secret?
I-
I miss-
I miss my family. I miss my mom. I miss my little brother, I miss hating my dad. I miss living in a tiny fucking suburb in the middle of cornfields. I miss feeling normal. I miss--
I miss being who I was. That stupid kid. I miss being James. Like, the real James.
And I can’t go back. How the fuck do I go back? How do I face them after this? What I’ve done. Who I’ve become…. They won’t even recognize me. They couldn’t. I mean like, I don’t even look like that kid anymore. I look like…. this. I am….this. A trained killer. An assassin. A superhero, I guess.
I think… I think I could, if I wanted to? Like, if I really, really wanted to…. I could put all my energy into being him. I think there’s enough left, under all the bits of everyone else I’ve picked up.
But I don’t know if I even want to try.
I don’t know.
I just thought I was better than this, you know? I thought I could just, fuck. Live a quiet life. Get out of it. But then the opportunity to be a hero-
I don’t know. I thought it’d be better to be part of a team. It’d be better to have resources and people to protect me, worst came to worst. But apparently all of the adults know everything and are fine spouting out my personal business. And I’m trying to… be more honest.
I think worse than any of that is how hard it was to leave. And how little they seem to care--Jack, especially. It took ages for me to work up the courage. To even start doubting what I was doing…
I know the things that he can do. I’ve experienced it, first hand. I’ve learned how to fight him. Learned to fight from him… I know I could be dead. And I’m not. I can’t imagine Orbital just letting me go. I know I’m an asset, and a valuable one. They made that clear.
I just don’t… get it. Why they don’t just bring me back, kicking and screaming. Or just kill me outright. I just--
I feel like this is all part of their plans, GAIA. Like, somehow I was supposed to leave. Supposed to end up on the Big Team, supposed to end up embroiled with the Host and the Risganjans and all this other shit…
But who’s plans? And what are they? And how do I stop them? Cause, I kinda gotta stop them, right?
....
...
.
GAIA? Transcribe audio recording to my flash drive.
Delete audio recording, and backups.
Confirm deletion.
GAIA?
Thanks.

## S3E57 - Beyond the Pale through S3E64 - Halcyon Mystery Spot

In which Jaime writes unread emails to their boyfriend while he's on a mission to Montreal.

t**o: a.summers@bigteammail.com**
**from: jaime@internetprovider.com**
**date: tuesday, june 18, 2:39 am**
fuck. fuck. fuck.

i wish you were here. or, at least i wish i could like, text you and know you’d fucking get the message. why can’t someone invent interdimensional planar cell service. but like, as soon as you get back you have to either read these like i keep telling you to do or just come see me so we can talk or maybe both i don’t know.
everything went to fucking shit and i don’t know what to do.
there was a summit to deal with king risganjan and i wasn’t there cause i was off scouting or some shit and crashing on a planet with cannibals and apparently fucking alastor mind controlled everyone so mini put herself in jail in the fucking watchtower because she needs to punish herself and him for that or something and i can tell she’s close to losing everything and i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to convince her to stay.
cause i can’t even convince her to stop doing stupid shit when i’m there with her, but this feels like the stupidest shit she’s ever done. and that includes bargaining with him for something i could have handled.

and then godspeed fucking kicked cyclone off the team (i had no idea he could even do that) and made us all join the league. so i fucking left. fucking packed all my important shit from the base and left.

hopefully if you see the letter, you’d get why i have to leave. i don’t think you’d take too kindly to godspeed saying you can’t argue with him at all about what he and the league and the big team are doing. but what the fuck do i know. he keeps saying how he’s training us to be the heroes of tomorrow, but it just feels like we’re doing league clean up with no fucking support. and if we do something to actually fucking help because they’re not doing anything, we get yelled at. cause it’s too dangerous or important or whatever.

like why even fucking invite us? why even say this is training? why pretend you care if you’re not going to do anything?

elle’s putting me up at shady glen for now so i have a place to live. mini said i could stay with the smalls too, but i couldn’t cause that felt really weird without her there. and dangerous. especially after honey broke in. and im gonna figure out some way to save mini. she gave me her book, so i’ve been going through all her notes in the library. but this is all so out of my league that i don’t know what to do or if i’m even helping. there’s gotta be some way we can get him out of her head that didn’t mean he got to be free.
but i gotta try. like that’s going to fucking go well
it feels really fucking shitty to tell you this first considering you’re also my boyfriend and i haven’t told her but
i love her

i don’t know what i’d do without her
i don’t know what i’d do without you either so don’t get any fucking ideas in montreal.

i need all of you here with me.
and safe.
punch tidus for me and make sure rescue and rekken and rhi are okay, too.
hope you can breathe under water and all that

i beat the next dungeon and it took me all day and three different guides and i miss playing with you
i miss you in general
i’ll keep you updated, i guess. maybe one of these will go through with the sheer power of will.

i can only hope
xx
jaime
ps: don’t worry no one got eaten. i fell out of a fucking tree though like an idiot. guess i’m used to being souped up more. i’m fine mostly just bruised my ego. risganjans feel really weird to be now. not like they weren’t before. but it just feels gross
pps: also don’t tell elle but i feel really fucking bad for parrot. we had a talk and i get why they broke up. i fucked it up, but like i get it. i get that they want to go home, but i’m gonna miss them when they do too.
ppps: please tell me to fuck off about my feelings for my girlfriends if that’s weird. i don’t know what is or isn’t and we really didn’t have a chance to talk about it but i really don’t know who else to go to even if you’re not here right now
pppps: i still fucking miss you. a lot. i hope i’m letting you know enough. it just feels like everything’d be easier if you were here
——
**to: a.summers@bigteammail.com**
**from: jaime@internetprovider.com**
**date: sunday, june 23, 5:38 pm**
 hey.
i don’t know what to say to you right now. today was….a lot.
there’s something different in me, now, and i don’t know what it is. i don’t know what’s changed. but everything—

it’s like i unlocked something in me, seth. and i don’t know if this was here before or if it’s something new, but…. i’m not going to drain you if i touch you any more. you’re not going to have to worry about being distracting.
before, it was like i could feel people, who they were. and i was always gonna take that from them, you know? i had to stop myself from doing that, cause if i stopped for even a second—
but that’s not what it’s like anymore, seth. it’s like— i can see everything, and it’s beautiful. i’m sure you’d be beautiful too. but it’s not rushing at me all the time. it’s not overwhelming and terrifying. it’s—
i can use it. i can change it. and that’s terrifying but in a different way. i don’t know exactly what all of it means and what i can do but i can...shift? now? i can control it, so much better. and i can feel everything around me and it’s overwhelming, all the time. i know i can shut it down but it’s so loud.

i did it because i saw orbital. lily and amber and frederick and i were on the tram and it almost went into the fucking lake and we stopped it. we got into some sort of bullshit with a milk bar? i don’t fucking know.
i ran, because i’m a coward. but i came back. i thought about what you’d say. what mini would say. and elle. and that i’d just left lily and amber with orbital. so i came back. and we fought.
and i just drained him. and it wasn’t like anything i’d ever experienced before. it wasn’t terrifying. i didn’t think i’d lose control. i didn’t think i was going to kill him. i knew i wasn’t going to kill him. it was like this brief, perfect moment of clarity.
and then i was myself.
and then the whole world changed.
as soon as i told frederick about orbital...he didn’t want to be near me. even after what i’d just done. even after—
i get that he doesn’t know me, seth, but it still fucking hurts. this is why i didn’t want to tell anyone. this is why i wanted to keep everything a secret. orbital. order x. jack. what i did, or almost did, or didn’t do…. and you didn’t do that to me. you saw me, at one of my worst moments, and you still came after me. you still thought i was good.
so i just wanted to say that you’re special. for believing in me. or who i could be. or who i am now. i don’t even fucking know.
and then i fucking marched down to talk with godspeed and i just feel so lost. he acted like i was cheating the system by not being on the team. like i was trying to duck out of taking responsibility if i helped my friends but wasn’t on the team. because they’d get in trouble and i wouldn’t?
i don’t know. he said he’d let us make our own decisions, and that’s what i wanted. and he’s not part of the league any more. so we don’t have to be part of the league. but it still feels
weird.

i just.
i feel so confused. i don’t really want to leave the team. but how the fuck am i supposed to trust him? how can i trust him when it feels like he’s just using us, using all of us?
i wish you were here. and i know i keep saying that but i feel like i’m losing my damn mind, sometimes. now more than ever.
it feels like everything’s gotten so much more complicated. and i’m sorry i’m not gonna be the same person you knew when you left. i hope i’m the same enough that you still want me.
i think i’ve found something that might help mini. i don’t know if it can do what i need it to do, but i think it can help. i just need to call in a few favors first.
i miss you.
xx
jaime
ps: i like you more than pancakes
——
**to: a.summers@bigteammail.com**
**from: jaime@internetprovider.com**
**date: wednesday, june 26, 1:04 am**
 do you think people can change? like, really, change?
i mean, i know you think i can (could? did?) but i don’t know.
with orbital gone, and me being the one to do it, they’ve been bugging me for shit. jack’s fucked off somewhere. i guess he’s plotting. but honey wanted me to help her with something. so i did, i don’t know. i felt lost? confused? with the big team all in flux and not knowing what i’m doing, it just felt--
i don’t know. i get it if you’re pissed. or disappointed. it was stupid. and it didn’t even work

turns out there’s still fucking time ghosts from dr. doorheart or whatever, and it was a group of famous mobsters.it was alex’s mom’s election event. or something.
we ran into orbital. not...the orbital i took care of but a younger version of him. one that was angry that he’d created the order? i don’t know. but he was destroying or trying to destroy the safehouses. at least all of the older ones. i’m sure jack has his own. and like, they’re useful as fuck in a pinch, but maybe it’s better that theyre gone?
i pulled some shit out of my ass about him being manipulated into it. and for all i fucking know he could have been. jack’s a sneaky fuck and i can only imagine he was worse when he was a kid.
knowing elle helped. so i talked about them, a bit. i can’t imagine them turning into the lancelot everyone knew. it just seems so impossible. even if they go back to avalon.
lav came in though and started talking about how what was will always be and you can’t change fate and shit. parrot disagreed, but something stuck.
i guess it made me wonder…. is that true for me? patch says that i’m still around in her future, but i’m a bad guy. i still use my old codename and everything. have i broken away from that past? did i do that by leaving the order? by dispatching orbital? being part of the team? or am i playing into my own fate with everything i do? is this what was supposed to happen? what’s always going to happen? do i even have a fucking choice?
is lav right? is elle? am i?
could orbital change? does he really want to destroy order x? is that something i should be helping with? is that what i want? they made me who i am. they were family or the closest fucking thing i had.
the thing is, i know they’re all like me in some way. they were taken advantage of. taken in. manipulated. they were turned into weapons just like i was. am. and they just took to it better. or maybe what i can do now made me more resistant to jack’s influence? or something?
is this why orbital wanted me in the first place? did he know i could do….whatever i can do now? is that what he wanted the whole time? is that why they pushed me so hard?

that’s a lot of fucking questions, babe. and i don’t need you to have the answers. i just think i need to ask them.

i hope montreal is less existential than i am. i hope you’re being safe. i hope you’re coming back. and soon.
i hope you know that i’m thinking of you. all the time.
thanks for listening, whenever you read these. i know there’s gonna be a lot and i’m probably gonna see you before you do. but… i dunno.

maybe the reason it’s easier for me to talk about this is cause you’re not here? or cause i’m just writing it? there’s not so much….pressure.

i’d probably talk to you about this anyway, but this is helping.
xx
jaime
ps: i can pretty much become anyone i want that i’m familiar with now, i guess, cause i was able to turn into a decent-enough elle to flirt with some mobster. part of the whole honey thing. promise, it was for a job and i didn’t mean it. i was just trying to get close without hurting anyone. you can guess how well that worked out.
pps: i’m still taking you out when you get back. i’ve got a plan but i want it to be a surprise. you’ll know it when you see it <3

ppps: i held off a horde of zombies last night. is it weird that using these powers just feels….natural? like i can just think things, and they’ll happen? how is that the most comforting and terrifying thing. you know, sometimes i can’t control my thoughts. and what i think about.
i can’t let that happen.
——

**to: a.summers@bigteammail.com**
**from: jaime@internetprovider.com**
**date: wednesday, june 26, 10:28 pm**

fucking fuck the police
fuck the police
fuck robots and a survellance state and pretending like people need the military to take over every fucking thing.

i get heroes aren’t perfect but at least we’re better than that. i don’t know what the commissioner was thinking
right?
sorry
i’m pissed
i wish you were there to punch them with me
fyutyre fest might actually have been fun with you. they had some cool shit.
miss you
xx
jaime
ps: aman has been helping me with researching some stuff for mini. i get why you like him so much. he’s nicer to me than he probably should be. you know. considering. he already promised to deck me if i break either of their hearts so. don’t worry.
——
**to: a.summers@bigteammail.com**
**from: jaime@internetprovider.com**
**date: saturday, june 29, 3:57 pm**
 hey seth
how are things going with you? i feel a bit like a jerk cause i’ve been dumping all this shit on you that you haven’t even read yet, i don’t think. but. you know. you could be doing the same thing to me and i have no idea.
i hope things are better there than they are here. not that things are quite as shitty and frustrating as they were but…. you know. it could always be better. it could always be worse.
we did it?
me and aman. we did it. got mini out of space jail, by stealing some ancient cosmic artifact that binds demons. course we only had to go get it because there was another demon out wreaking havoc on halcyon. and the binding gauntlets were one use only.
i managed to do some new weird shit (phasing through walls?) and stole some sort of lure thing. managed to compress the demon curson (the one being a shit in halcyon) into it. cause, ya know, ghosts ectoplasm is apparently close enough to whatever the fuck i have control over now. so he’s a grapefruit sized nuclear bomb.
he said he’d help us fight alastor. we just needed to give him some people to trick. to do his demon-y shit on. i thought about the risganjans. the host.
it was so tempting.

but in the end, it’s not my choice.

so aman and i went to the watchtower with the gauntlets. to try and convince mini to leave. that they’d make her less dangerous than the necklace. be easier to use or wear or whatever. convince her to come home. and she agreed. eventually.
she’s off her meds, which is annoying and adorable at the same time. if you thought she was hard to shut up before…. it’s upped her gremlin about ten times. and i still love her, despite everything, because it’s mini but i just don’t feel like i can lean on her right now. she’s got so much going on. and i gotta be strong for her, you know? her cell was something out of a beautiful mind or some shit. just… crazy. her powers are gone but she can still see the future.
we’re gonna work out some way to get alastor. like for fucking real. and i think the vote is that curson can’t be released or trusted. it might have been a long shot, you know, but two birds one stone.  i hope you and elle will help. i want to punch the fucking bastard. or crush him into a ghostly ball and toss him into the ocean.
or something.
i’m just done with him hurting her. i’m done with him hurting others and making her feel guilty about it. i’m done with him as her fucked up responsibility.
i hope you come home soon. a month has been too fucking long.
miss you more every day
xx
jaime

ps: aman and i are kind of friends now? he’s-- okay, yeah. i get why you had? have? a crush on him. and he cares. so much. it’s honestly inspiring. he convinced me that i need to be on the team. that i’m better on the team. that the team is more important than any politics or bullshit with who’s leading it.
i guess i kinda have to agree.
pps: i still fucking hate godspeed.