Screw Ups

**Screw Ups** is the sixth episode of Season 5 of *F is for Family*.

## Plot

Frank and Sue sit the eldest kids down for a serious talk about their actions the previous night. They then decide on the punishments for each of them. Sue takes Maureen to the church to break her obsession with the occult. Frank sends Kevin out with Smokey while he takes Bill under his wing for the day. The episode is split into 4 parts for each of the oldest Murphy kids and the family after they regroup.

Sue drives with Megan and Maureen to the church and meet with Father Pat. While Sue waits in the pews with Megan, Father Pat explains to Maureen about how sinful witchcraft is and how she should (because of the approaching Christmas season) be thinking of Baby Jesus. Maureen questions Christmas being about death. Father Pat explains that she is referring to Easter and how they remember Jesus’ sacrifice by consuming the “body” and “blood” of Christ in Holy Communion. He reveals that the blood of Christ is just cheap red wine and not really blood. Dick Sawitzki walks in along with Jimmy who explains that wine becomes blood through transubstantiation. This confuses Maureen as what she is being told doesn’t make any sense to her. Jimmy explains that religion is not supposed to make sense and that you have to trust what a priest says. The men continue to argue over the blood of Christ and later switching to Jesus’ mother and conception. Sister Layla walks in and says that Jesus’ mother is Mary as opposed to Mary Magdalene or Virgin Mary. Jimmy explains (using his chest tattoo) how God is the father of mankind, and therefore is the father of Jesus and Mary. He further explains that Jesus is a part of the Holy Trinity and that he is God and the son of God. Sister Layla argues that God (who is Mary’s father) impregnated Mary spiritually, and that Jesus is also her father and his OWN father. Sue, hearing the commotion, comes into the room and hears Maureen break down and confess that she wanted to talk to her grandfather’s ghost so she can be Frank’s princess again. Sue comforts her while Father Pat angrily states that society always questions the Catholic Church but not the moon landing. He then abruptly leaves the room and Sue leaves with the girls.

While Sue is taking Maureen to church, Frank takes Bill to the police station to confront the 2 officers for corrupting his son. After delivering Bill’s newspapers hastily, the two arrive at the police station to see Marie there with Anthony and Phillip. Frank angrily confronts the officers on the previous day’s events and that they have failed their boys in making sure they don’t break the law. Officer O’Rourke tells Frank that he has failed as a father in teaching his son right from wrong. Frank remembers a conversation he had with Sue last night after the porno incident and decides to drive to the outskirts of town to give Bill a long overdue sex talk. Frank struggles to explain the birds and the bees and Bill shamefully confesses that he knows what sex is as he has witnessed his parents having sex last year (Bill Murphy’s Day Off). Frank drives home in utter shock and makes Bill swear that they never tell Sue about this.

Meanwhile, Smokey takes Kevin for a drive through town and complains how the Murphys always come to him with their problems when he has his own problems. Kevin laments about how he misses Alice and sings a very long and drawn-out song he wrote about her to Smokey causing him to drop him off at home. He tearfully tells Kevin that the world is full of pain and he regrets puncturing condoms while driving off. He is later seen at the bowling alley removing the condoms from the vending machines.

Later that evening, the Murphys regroup and decide to have a family night out at the bowling alley. After a round of bowling, the younger kids go to play arcade games while Sue supervises them. Kevin, still feeling hurt over his break up and disheartened over not scoring any points in bowling, bonds with his father. Frank finds Big Bill’s monogrammed bowling ball in the ball rack and hands it to Kevin, who manages to knock over a single pin to his joy. Frank has a heart to heart talk with his son about his first break up and his early relationship with Sue. Kevin realizes that he should stop obsessing over Alice and play it cool. And if they were meant to be then they were meant to be. Frank and Sue spend some time together realizing that their kids are not screw ups, they just screwed up and begin making plans for Christmas. Frank, on his way to the washroom, finds a locker labelled “16”. He reluctantly decides to try the lock and it opens to reveal a box of cassette tapes belonging to his father. He sits on the floor and happily goes through the tapes as the episode ends.

## Quotes

**Jimmy Fitzsimmons**: God is the father of us all! So he's Mary's father, and he's also the father of Jesus! And Jesus is part of the Holy Trinity, which means that he's God and God's son!

**Dick Sawitzki**: So JESUS had sеx with himself?

**Sister Layla**: Nobody fornicated with anybody! God impregnated Mary, spiritually, and he's also her father. And her son, Jesus, is also her father and his OWN father!

**Dick Sawitzki**: That sounds like the plot of *Chinatown.*

**Father Pat**: It is not *Chinatown*. It is beautiful!

**Father Pat**: *(points to Jimmy)* Pull your dress down!

*(he puts his dress down and Father Pat continues)*

**Father Pat**: *(clears throat)* The important thing is, however it happened, Jesus was born our savior on Christmas Day.

**Maureen Murphy**: I read that he was actually born in April.

**Father Pat and Sister Layla**: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

**Dick Sawitzki**: NOOOOOOO!

**Jimmy Fitzsimmons**: HE WAS NOT!

————————————————————————————

**Sister Layla**: Devil child!

**Maureen Murphy**: I didn't even want to come here! My mom made me! And I just thought, if I could talk to my grandpa's ghost, my daddy would be happy, and I wouldn't have to be co-princess anymore.

**Maureen Murphy**: *(crying)* I DON'T WANT TO BE MARTY ALLEN!

**Dick Sawitzki**: There, there. Neither does Marty Allen.

**Sue Murphy**: Oh, sweetheart. Father Pat, what happened in here?

**Father Pat**: Oh, I'll tell you what happened. The Catholic Church, as ALWAYS, is being raked over the coals for hypocrisy. And yet, no one questions the moon landing 'cause it was Jack's dream and it was Camelot. AND MEANWHILE, THAT WEAK-BACKED BASTARD WAS BANGING EVERY WHORE HE COULD FIND IN THE FUCKING POOL, AND NOBODY QUESTIONS THAT!

**Father Pat**: *(remains calmly)* Oh, who gives a shit? I'm going for a walk.

*(he walks away out of the church)*

**Maureen Murphy**: I feel better, Mommy. Can we go home now?

**Sue Murphy**: I don't think we can stay here.

————————————————————————————

**Smokey**: Kevin, I'm so sorry! THIS WORLD AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT PAIN! No one should have to suffer this life! And here I am making more babies!

**Smokey**: *(starts crying)* I'M A MONSTER!

*(he sobs and droves away)*

**Kevin Murphy**: He's a good listener.

————————————————————————————

**Frank Murphy**: Look, I turned out screwed up because my dad screwed me up, but I don't want you to be screwed up.

**Kevin Murphy**: Wow. You never said anything like that before.

**Frank Murphy**: I know. When you're a dad, you don't want to admit that you're human. I mean... (*chuckles*) I mean, I know you kids see me as some sort of superman.

**Kevin Murphy**: Villain.

**Frank Murphy**: What?

**Kevin Murphy**: Nothing.

**Frank Murphy**: I don't want us to be the way I was with my dad and then let years go by before it's too late to make it better. So, that's why I want to check in with you every once in a while. I know you're pretty torn up about Alice.

**Kevin Murphy**: Eh, only when I think about her. And, well, any other time really. (*sighs*) It's not gonna be easy getting over her.

**Frank Murphy**: No, I... I... I see that. And I'm sorry I didn't understand that at first. I guess I just thought it was puppy love.

**Kevin Murphy**: Dad, what me and Alice had was grown-dog love!

**Frank Murphy**: I know. I know.

**Kevin Murphy**: I... I mean, we were doing stuff that would make a puppy explode.

**Frank Murphy**: (interrupted) I got it. I got it.

**Frank Murphy**: Kevin, this may surprise you, but you're not the first person in the world to feel this way. When I was your age, I was so in love with this beautiful blond. Even though I was so crazy about her, she dumped me.

**Kevin Murphy**: Mom dumped you?

**Frank Murphy**: Nah, I'm not talking about Mom. This was Phyllis Hibberman.

**Kevin Murphy**: Ew, you had a girlfriend before Mom?

**Frank Murphy**: Uh-huh.

**Kevin Murphy**: Was she cute?

**Frank Murphy**: Oh, she was gorgeous. All-hands-on-deck. Hoo-hoo. Ah-oo-gah. Well, not as gorgeous as your mom. But yeah. Anyway, after she broke up with me, boy, I was a wreck. I thought I was gonna die without her. I tried everything to get her back, but she started dating Jack Draski. And they got married and moved to Rhode Island. But, after a while, I got over it. And then I met your mom. Take that, Phyllis.

**Kevin Murphy**: And you and Mom have been together ever since, huh?

**Frank Murphy**: Nah, we were on and off for a while. Had a real big fight back in '58. It's about me applying to flight school before she was finished with college. Broke up for a bit. But we took our time to cool off. And then we got back together, and it was better than before because we knew we were meant for each other.

**Kevin Murphy**: Then what happened?

**Frank Murphy**: (*chuckles*) Well, you happened. And the rest, as they say, is history.

**Kevin Murphy**: So I should stop chasing Alice around and play it cool, and if we're meant to be, it'll be.

**Frank Murphy**: Yeah. And if you're not, you won't, and you'll be okay. So try not to worry. And don't tell your mom about Phyllis Hibberman. She's her cousin.

## Trivia

* Title reference: The kids screwed up in the previous episode.