The Wilds (session)

**The Wilds** is the fourth session of Season One of Wacky Ribbons.

### Notes

* The party wakes up and emerges from their tents to see Relovan struggling to start a fire. They have a cast iron skillet full of eggs but they don’t know how to cook or do anything
* Song uses a tiefling trick to snap up a fire and cooks the eggs for everyone <3
* Relovan also has bread and tries to make toast, but burns it horribly. Song offers his dagger to scrape off the burnt part, but Relovan is nervous about it, and they have a *Ghost* moment with Song sensually helping Relovan scrape it off.
* Relovan turns bright red.
	+ Song: Do you have a fever man?? (puts his hand on Relovan’s forehead)
	+ Relovan, three octaves higher: NO I’M GOOD!
* Trongy shows up after scouting ahead, tells the party to get their shit together bc they’re going into The Wilds - it takes three days to walk around, but only one day to walk through
* The Wilds (STRAIGHT FROM THE DM’S NOTES LOL):
	+ *“The trees canopies seem to crowd together as if to block out the sun, determined to make it impossible to tell the time of day. The birds that you all heard earlier seem to have flown off somewhere else - or, if they are present, they are so far away that the trees absorb their songs before your ears can. Despite it being the middle of summer, the temperature here seems to drop. The ground underfoot squelches under your feet, the mud and debris soaking your shoes. Occasionally, every few steps, there are small marshes on either side, but the water in them seems...wrong. Somehow darker and murkier than you’d normally expect. There are no frogs or toads croaking in the mud, no crickets or cicadas to fill the air with white noise. There aren’t any chipmunks or mice scampering through the damp grass. There is only an oppressive silence, and even the sound of your footsteps together seem muffled to your own eyes, as if they’re a thousand miles away.”*

* Everyone @ The Wilds: Bad Feel Scoob
* The party comes up to a structure impossibly wide and six feet tall that kinda looks like a fungal cage (looks like dis but BIG)

* Trongy tells everyone to get their weapons out
* Everyone is suddenly overwhelmed by the smell of rotting flesh and death and has to make a constitution saving throw - everyone does pretty well except Relovan, who has to stop to throw up.
* The mists start to get heavier and out of them comes a tall, elegant elf woman, one who everyone recognizes as looking like Relovan’s grandma (the statue that was in front of their bigass house)
	+ Song rolls a nat 1 on a wisdom saving throw and is absolutely convinced that this is Relovan’s real grandma. “IT’S YOUR GMA!!!!”
	+ \*dm voice\* “THAT IS NOT A GENUINE GRANDMA”
* She offers her hand to Relovan and says
	+ *“Oh, my love. I am here to heal you, come with me.”*
	+ Everyone: HEY DON’T
	+ Relovan, internally: how bout i do anyways
* Relovan accepts her hand and is immediately pulled into the mists, and the party can hear them scream
* Ruby charges after and gets separated from the group
* Trongy unsheathes her daggers (like Loki in Thor:Ragnorak and it’s very sexy) and starts to charge forward, but another figure starts striding towards her
* It forces her to step back and she looks like she’s seen a ghost
* The party realizes that the figure is another tiefling man, one who resembles Song????? But his hair is curled (and so is his mustache) and he’s dressed like a dapper gentleman.
* He reaches his hand out to Trongy and says
	+ *“Ah. Now there’s my little magpie.”*
	+ To which, Trongy responds, “*DON’T FUCK WITH ME”* and charges forward to stab her daggers in his chest - he laughs, wraps his arms around her, and pulls her into the mist.
* The mist gets deeper and surrounds everyone else, splitting them up.
	+ Acacia vs. Her first love, Marisol, and her dragon gf, Ethryal
	+ Ruby vs. Their dead mother
	+ Chenille vs. Her brother
	+ Song vs. …….his dog.
* Acacia and Ruby are immediately knocked out (while crying) trying to fight, and are dragged into the mists as well, where they’re wrapped up in vines and pulled to the top of the structure along with Relovan and Trongy.
* Chenille’s brother keeps pleading with her to take his hand and go with him - “things can be different now, why are you running? It doesn’t have to be this way!” Chenille struggles and avoids attacking him
	+ Chenille is about to take his hand when Trongy, barely conscious above them, screams “FUCKING STAB HIM YOU IDIOT” stopping Chenille out of it
* Song immediately realizes that this dog is NOT his and casts vicious mockery three times until this dog pathetically puts their tail between their legs and scampers off
* The mist clears enough so that Song can see Chenille, and he runs over to help her fight the brother imposter
	+ Song: Are you okay? Chenille: DO I LOOK OKAY?
* Chenille keeps having a hard time ~~getting good rolls~~ attacking her brother
* Song casts Bardic Inspiration on Chenille:
	+ “Fuck this guy, fuck this guy, stab him in the face - GO CHENILLE!”

* They sorta play ping-pong with this guy trying to attack him with their rapiers, and eventually they both pin him to the ground with a rapier in each hand. Chenille deals the death blow by stabbing it in the head - by now after sustaining so many injuries it ceases to resemble something human, more like a gurgling pile of moss, fungi, and plant matter-y stuff.
* The mist clears up, Trongy yells at them to cut down Relovan first, and tosses down their glasses and yells at them to put the shades on Relovan immediately before passing out
* Song cuts down Relovan, and notices that their left eye has this blistering, swollen mark; like it’s been burnt. Puts the shades on them so they look like a stunna
* They also cut down Trongy
* Song heals Relovan, who sits up, and immediately takes the sunglasses off. Badnewsbears.jpg
* Relovan feels WHOLLY different - this is no longer the same hoe. They stand up and go “OHHHH MAN you would not BELIEVE how long it’s been since i’ve been out!” And introduce themselves.
* His name is Raymon, but you can call him *Ray.* He punctuates this by making his name appear in flames out of the palms of his hands. He shakes Song’s hand much harder and firmer that Relovan did when they first met (as if to establish dominance) and kisses Chenille’s hand as he says “Enchante,  Mademoiselle ;^)”.
* Song heals Trongy (who looks fucking exhausted) who looks at Ray, and just drags her hands down her face muttering “fuck shit goddammit”
	+ Chenille: Are you going to explain this or -
	+ Trongy: dO yOu THINK WE HAVE FUCKING TIME FOR THAT??? \*GESTURES AT MOST OF THE PARTY STILL IN THE VINES\*
* Trongy fails to cut any of them down. She sits in the grass with her head in her hands.
* Ray tries to use fire to get Acacia down. Fails.
* Song and Chenille get Acacia down, Ray swooces in and lithely catches her in his arms.
	+ Ray: Who’s the babe???
	+ Song: Someone who’s NOT interested in you
	+ Chenille: \*forcibly takes Acacia out of his arms\*
* They cut down Ruby, but Song is out of heals
* Trongy walks up to Song, specifically puts her hand on his shoulder, looks him in the eyes and says “I need you. To knock him out. Now.” (@ Ray) Song rolls a nat 20 and punches the back of his head so hard he goes down.
* Trongy looks a bit pitifully at Relovan’s face before putting on the shades and giving them a good, *hard* slap that jolts them awake.
	+ Song and Chenille: you got an evil twin in there bro?
	+ Relovan: *oh no*
* Trongy has Relovan heal Acacia with their palm and their cool crystal necklace but after they do so, they look even WORSE.
* Acacia heals Ruby
* Trongy: We are….NOT going to talk about this.
* Everyone starts heading out of the woods, Song offers his shoulder to Relovan who’s struggling to keep up
* They come to a cliff, and they can see the tops of trees and a heavy mist
* Trongy takes Ruby’s rope, ties it around a tree, shoves it at them to go first
* Ruby gracefully goes to the bottom, sees its only a 10 foot drop, tells the others they can come down
* Everyone manages it, but Acacia falls (and is caught), Chenille stumbles and falls about 4 feet off the ground, and Relovan completely biffs it and is caught by Trongy (who specifically shoulders her way ahead of Song to do so.)
* Acacia gives Relovan a hug and holds their hand bc they look like SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT
* They come up to the Fat Cat Inn, which is covered head to toe in pictures of fat cats, with a fat calico cat sitting on the bar as they enter the tavern and wait for their rooms to get prepared
* Acacia rolls a nat 20 to pet the cat (formerly known as Tom, now called Fatty) and Song joins in. This cat will now die for Acacia.
* Chenille immediately goes to the bar to order a pint of ale
* Relovan sits next to Chenille and sadly, and quietly, eats a shepards pie
* Trongy immediately goes to flirt with a waitress
* Ruby, uncomfortable, goes to bed.
* There’s a few different crowds in the tavern:
	+ Song talks to a table with Aithne/Ollie/Thalu (Davey’s one-shot campaign)
		- Aithne: You went through the wilds? :( you must not’ve had a very good guide!
		- Song: Yeah you could say that (throws a look at Trongy who flirts even harder with a waitress to ignore it)
		- Song also talks to the other table with Petra/Petunia/Jhazo (TPKO) and plans a jam sesh with Jhazo
		- Song: You know I feel like I’ve met you before!
		- Petuna: Weird! Yknow I feel the same way too! Have we arm-wrestled before? (the fourth wall: shattered.)
	+ Acacia talks to Jhazo, compliments his scales - Jhazo compliments the markings on her ears + tail
	+ Acacia gives a flower to Petunia, on account of her name <:3c
	+ Acacia and Song go up to the bar as well to order their meals (pan seared fish with veggies and a big fuckin steak with a scoop of mashed potatoes)
	+ WIRT AND GREG FROM OTGW ARE HERE. I AM GOD I MAKE THE RULES
	+ Greg approaches Acacia and pulls on her skirt, asking where she got her tail from. This makes Acacia lose the color in her face for a second before she realizes this is a child, and she explains she was born with it and she comes from a desert full of people like her. She twitches her ears playfully to show off they’re real.
	+ Wirt comes up and apologizes and hopes that Greg didn’t bother them too much, and asks them if maybe possibly they’ve heard of a forest witch? Named Adelaide?
	+ The party tells them to avoid the Wilds but otherwise they haven’t heard of her. The bird on Wirt’s shoulder lifts her wing up to Wirt’s ear, and the party swears they can hear something akin to actual human speech?
		- Acacia: Can your bird talk?
		- Wirt, quickly leaving with Greg in two: IDON’TKNOWWHATYOU’RETALKINGABOUTBYE
		- Greg: Bye, pretty lady!!!
	+ Trongy descends the stairs that lead to the rooms, looking pleased and a bit disheveled. Song can see the hickies on her neck (nice)
	+ She gives everyone (who needs them) keys to their room, and goes to bed
	+ Eventually everyone follows except Chenille, who orders another drink on Trongy’s tab - Acacia takes Fatty with her