John Cochran, Our Close Friend

**"John Cochran, Our Close Friend"** is the thirty-sixth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Hayes starts off the show discussing the special surgery he had to get on his arm for a part, and he and Sean discuss the most important thing that’s been left out of the #YesAllWomen movement. Then an all-new Teaser Freezer breaks down the new Jersey Boys movie. Then, very famous guest JOHN COCHRAN from Survivorman joins the guys to talk about how he went from contestant on a reality show to a TV writer for “We’re the Millers”, his Twitter following, flying into the Statue of Liberty, and judge salaries and the Popcorn Gallery is back to ask questions about hair parts, cut scenes, and *The Americans*. Finally, John gets called out for bailing on an airport meeting with a listener.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Sean over the theme: "So, the party's dying down and uh, I grab Chan Gailey, and I go "Chan, is that *brie*?" and he goes "Are you pointing at the cheese plate, or Brie Larson?" I said "Channy? I got noo idea."
* Sean and Hayes hope for everyone's health and happiness. Hayes's little arm is in a sling, he's got a bum wing!
* Hayes's arm is in the sling because he had to get his muscles smallened to play Sammy Sosa in the new biopic *61 to 70*. There is some fakeness in Hollywood, this procedure, Sean's friends and personality, walking, talking to people, the telephone

1. yesallwomen - Sean and Hayes are pissed that there hasn't been enough male support and too many many are staying quiet, some of this stuff happens to them, sometimes more! They propose #yesandusaswell . What a great way to say "We hear you, we get it, but check this out! And maybe we get it a little more."

### Guest Segment

* Hayes over the theme: "So I go to Gary.. Sinise, like '*Edge of Tomorrow*, like what is it! Tomorrow is like a *day*, it doesn't have an edge!" and he goes "(clicks tongue) I.. don't think I was in that movie." And I'm like "Then who was!?.... who?"
* John is very famous, he won a TV show! He has 132k twitter followers, is verified on twitter, more than lots of people who have been on the show! Almost twice as many as Nick Thune: Sean "Too Thune! ... Boom!" More than Shelby Fero, who is famous for twitter!
* John was a little down on himself when he came in to record, he was worried he wasn't famous enough. He had sort of a hangdog expression, kicking at the ground, mopin', "Aw shucks"in, with his hands stuffed deep in his pockets!
* John has been working on writing for Will Arnett's new TV show *We're the Millers,* featuring a guy who gets bitten on the dick by a tarantula. Jason Sudeikis deals with immigration, Jennifer Aniston pours this water on her that gives her this effect that make the clothes *stick* to her, and why would you want that? Clothes should be loose and flowing
* John was in law school at Harvard, just outside of Boston, aspiring to be a TV judge when he won *Survivor*. When he won, he mentioned to Jeff Probst saying he'd like to be a writer. This sarcasm was misinterpreted, and he got the job from Greg Garcia!
* John: "It's possible earlier drafts of the script had this tarantula bit you're referring to.." Hayes: "A *bite*." He said a 'bit' it's a 'bite.' "The tarantula *bit* the guy's dick," "..and that made a tarantula *bite.*"
* Greg liked John for the job because he has a close relationship with his mother, which has nice parallels to the show's premise. "*Bates Motel."* "Mmm (in a spooky voice) .. she's a skellington." ... "Tell us about your scary mom."
* John's mom is 65 years old (Hayes "Eeee"), used to be a preschool teacher (\*door creaking sound effect\*), she'd foster dogs for rescue (\*spooky sounds\* scary wind, "OO Oo oo o o") "What was that?" "COCHRAN'S MOM!!" \*ft ft ft ft ft ft ft\* "AAAAAA!!" \*sound of head rolling down the stairs\* \*a whistle ring\* "Yum! Chocolate! Oh no.. it's not sweet enough." (John keeps talking about his mother) "Braaaains!" ("..I think you're imputing a lot of traits to my mom that she, really doesn't have, she's like a perfectly pleasant lady, she has no murderous impulses..") "I vant to help you pick your SHEEets!" ; "She isn't feeling well, Mother isn't feeling so well, but, right now.. and .. her head is.. A SKULL!!!"
* "Is her head is a skull though?... And is her body is really a skellington?" "Skellington is like bones, it's a bone man, that will jump around, and make clattering dances." "That's not especially frightening though, right? I feel like that's like a form of entertainment" "..Have you ever seen that before? Have you saw.. the. a dancing bones? You don''t think that's for frightening?"
* John tried to be a subway hero to get noticed, and he got quite a shock.. an electric shock. He noticed this punk kid sitting in a seat that was designated for handicapped, and what do you know an old lady comes puttering in "That's your mom or.." maybe it was his mom "Are Van Helsings chasing her?!" He asked the kid to give up the seat, he said you're not my dad, and she's not my mom, and he tazed John
* "Speaking of New York, I remember when you tried to drive a helicopter into the Statue of Liberty!" He couldn't maneuver it well and landed it safely right there beside it, then offered some tourists a helicopter view. He did this job for 10-15 years, trying to crash into it every time
* How much does Judge John Hodgman make, a podcast judge?
* "It was pretty funny on *Survivor* when you called that Fillipino guy Gollum." (See The reality SHOW show Ep. #020 for the boys' first lengthy discussion of this actual thing). He wore a little cloth, and was kind of scampering around, and talking in a funny voice. You said he was like a little monster! Sean thought he could see this on *We're the Millers* and a spider bites a dude's dick. And when you say that the guy would get a hug from a big tall white woman and masturbate over it for weeks.
* John to Sean "Why are you so emotionally invested in *The Americans*?" "Hmm OK, don't try to psychoanalyze me, boy, you ain't got the firepower." Hayes "Oh no, I want to see this. Try it! Try it. John, I would love to see you try" "Oh this would be a treat. I haven't waxed a chump like you in ages, ya know! I've stayed above this, but go ahead, John!" John calmly repeats the question and elaborates a little. "..Whatever. See ya! Deuces bro. Kick rocks!"

## Recurring Segments

* Teaser Freezer - *Jersey Boys*
	+ The boys have a special suit to wear into the freezer, not advised to try this at home!
	+ The teaser is Jersey Boys and what's that? It's about people who loves NBA clothes? Well, not quite. It's about these four guys who sing in a special voice. Why hasn't anyone taken anything from the stage and put it on screen?
	+ (man in teaser directly addressing the camera) "Ya wanna hear the real, you wanna hear the real story? I'm the one you want to talk to, Tommy DeVito. Wasn't for me, we all woulda wound up with a bullet in our head!" He's looking at the camera so it looks like he's looking to you! "It's so great to get talked to, because a lot of times in the movies, I feel like I'm being so ignored by the characters!" "You're saying 'HEY. I'M RIGHT HERE!'"
	+ More talking directly to the camera: "This is the first polite movie ever made!" These guys I want keep hanging with.
	+ On Frankie: there's only one, a showman! He would cross and uncross his eyes while singing like he was going crazy, move his knees around, like they were shaking, scared at how high his voice was going. Sometimes during a music break his tongue would unravel all the way to the floor, and snap his fingers and it would come all the way back up. A true showman!
	+ "*I llooove this recccorrd!!*" Sean participated in this movie and said this line. Clint Eastwood doesn't respect you until you hit back, he had wanted him to enjoy the record like a 3 dimensional human, and maybe say he had enjoyed it. Sean posits: "Well, what if a cartoon cactus was screaming that they love that record? They sort of are roller skating in and uh, they're outta control on the skates, maybe they passed over an oil slick or something of that effect. So the wheels are too slippery." He's in the air, flipping, maybe going to land on his cactus butt, then decides how much he loves the song that's playing! Clint didn't want it but he needed it
	+ To two girls "How old are you?" "Together, or separately?" - A discussion like in Ep. #008 - Damien Fahey, Our Close Friend, how they obey the letter of the law if not the intent. An interesting loophole is if you add up the ages of the girls, they can be *as young as you want.*
	+ "If you not from Jersey, than you don't know." Hayes and Sean in unison: "Wow." They speak at length in a hilarious and accurate Jersey accent.
	+ Go see the film! What an opportunity to talk back to the screen
* Popcorn Gallery
	1. Skizelo - "John, Googling you got me to a blog on hair parting which describes you as the most quote "powerful example of the way the right part on the wrong person can lead to a personality that is almost completely disliked by the peer group." Unquote. How do you respond?" (*Editor's note: the blog in question)*
		+ He's seen the blog, and feels that one side of his face is way less attractive than the other side and is trying to cover it. He does agree there's a correlation between hair parting and the way a person is perceived
	2. OcterDoctopus - "John, your show featured a subplot where the grandmother converts her vegan raised granddaughter into a meat-eater. The Season 1 DVD extras has a deleted scene where Jayma Mays's character forces her daughter to watch hidden camera slaughterhouse footage to get the child back in line. How much of a bummer was it for you that that scene got cut?"
		+ A bummer because the show likes to make a statement. Like watch out for tarantulas, don't let 'em get ya!
	3. OcterDoctopus - "John, one of the stars of your show, Margo Martindale, also has a role on the show *The Americans*. Would you ever consider writing an episode of that show?"
		+ It would be difficult for him to write it because he's never seen the show. He would not do it. Hayes rips up the contract they had to write the season premiere and the season finale, he was going to bookend. Just for a ton of dough.
	4. PatSmear - "John, you have been heralded by a myriad of great descriptors by the international media: world-class writer, super survivor, et al. But I'd like to focus on your work as one of our country's greatest millenials. Would you help me figure out how to take a screenshot on my Apple Macintosh computer?"
		+ Yeah you just hold down Cmd + Shit + 4, and that will open up a little dropbox you can drag around the screen.
	5. Michael Bay of Pigs - "Hey John, You and I recently got a chance to meet. Well, I was shitting on a toilet and you just walked right in to wash your hands. I told you it was a one person restroom, and you laughed and said 'Brown on your butt, brown on my hands! Let's grab a drink when this airplane lands!' but when the flight landed, you were nowhere to be found. Why did this happen? How could I have prevented it?"
		+ He thought the follow-up meeting would also be in another bathroom. And he got into the stalls, on top of the seat. He was wearing distinctive footwear, bit T-rex slippers
* Pro Version - Jacob C - his prize is Cochran apologizes to the poor bushman he called a goblin. His name was Tata.

## Recurring Jokes

* Sean's Little Cousin - a few weeks ago Sam took Hayes and Sean onto the computer and showed them some internet stuff that was happening: there was a hashtag trending, and it was #yesallwomen poundsign hashtag
* Flyover States - If you live in Nowheresville or Erie, IN you probably don't know about the hashtag #yesallwomen
* Talking to the Engineer - They ask Cody why no has ever tried adapting something from the stage to the screen, he answers "Because?" and this disgusts them, blugh! Sean wanted to throw up when talks to them like that.
* Speak on That - John is asked to speak on how writing to get jobs writing big projects is not the best way of going about it. On the outlandish stunts he did early on in his career to get noticed.
* Too Scary - John's mom is a skellington woman. Lots and lots and lots of spooky stuff discussed here, although the guys are very brave and never quite say it's too scary. It was scary to think that Tata got this episode of the podcast.
* Mark - Cochran's mom killed Mark and did the final sound drop.

## Ads

* Sparkbox.com - Hayes and Sean like to talk about the "Toys are nice" (first mentioned in Ep. #009 - Michael Showalter, Our Close Friend), such as Ferrari cars, big splashing pools, RC copters. Those toys aren't safe for kids.

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, John Cochran, Sean Clements*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, John Cochran, Sean Clements *(in the distance)*John Cochran making Hayes buss up in the studioSean with his water in the studioHayes ripping up John Cochran's contract in the studioHayes ripping up John Cochran's contract in the studio