Superman: The Man of Steel

***Superman: The Man of Steel*** is the eighth episode of Just Bad Games, released on September 9, 2019.

## Transcript

**Adam**: We've come to understand that *Superman* on the Nintendo 64 is by far, the worst Superman game that has ever been unleashed upon the world. A janky mess of controls and gameplay unfit for any gamer. As such, we rest easy with the knowledge that no other Superman game could possibly be worse than this one... r-right?

**Shane**: *Superman: The Man of Steel* is an action-adventure title released exclusively to the Xbox in 2002.

**Adam**: The game was developed by Circus Freak Studios, who released only one game before going bankrupt in 2003. Oh... that can't be good.

**Shane**: The game begins with Lois Lane and Clark Kent openly discussing their most deepest secret of all time: that he is in fact Superman.

**Adam**: Just a sloppy pile of exposition amongst the many citizens of Metropolis, where they reveal things like-

**Lois Lane**: There's something amusing about being married to a guy who can see through a brick wall and change the course of mighty rivers, not to mention fly.

**Clark Kent**: You know, if the rocket ship that brought me to Earth as a baby hadn't landed in Kansas-

**Adam**: Uh, you might wanna keep some of that to yourself, Clarky boy.

**Shane**: H-h-hold up! Pump the breaks! *This* is Metropolis? They've got flying cars, futuristic buildings, and even TVs on garbage cans! How lush!

**Adam**: Oh, yeah. This is 100% for real what would be considered modern-day Metropolis.

**Shane**: How???

**Adam**: This game takes place directly after the events of a comic book series called *Superman Y2K*. After a battle with a villain named Brainiac 13, where Superman obviously wins, Metropolis is turned into a futuristic paradise.

**Shane**: Now, does the game explain any of this?

**Adam**: No. It doesn't. This Superman game is based off of comic books you need to have read to have any understanding of what's going on here.

**Shane**: Great. That's just like- ugh. *Batman: Dark Tomorrow*.

**Batman**: I'm a reference!

**Adam**: Funny you'd say that, because this Superman game has one big thing in common with *Batman: Dark Tomorrow*.

**Shane**: What's that?

**Adam**: The writer.

**Shane**: Oh. Well, in that case-

*(early "It's Just Bad" screen joke)*

**Adam**: No, no! Not yet. Gotta give it a chance first.

**Shane**: Fine.

**Adam**: Back in Metropolis, Lois and Clark are having a wonderful day out, disclosing Clark's past, his superpowers, possibly going to go see- art. When suddenly-

**Shane**: Giant robot!

**Adam**: Yep. Clark points out that it looks like Brainiac 13 is back, and so, right after defeating him in the comics, he's now gotta defeat him again in this game.

**Shane**: Superman waddles into an alley and strips himself of his terrestrial costume as he dons his true identity.

**Shane and Adam**: (gasp) Superman!

**Shane**: Which we already knew because he told everybody on the street that he's actually-

**Adam**: *(after "told")* Ev- (laughs)

*(Cut)*

**Adam**: After this sequence, he flies off to battle and the gameplay finally begins.

**Onlookers**: It's a bird! It's a plane! I think it's a concussion.

*(Superman repeatedly crashes into a building head-first)*

**Adam**: This is unfortunate.

**Shane**: The absolute first thing any Superman game needs to do well is flight.

**Adam**: I mean, he flies practically everywhere.

**Superman**: The police took away my license.

**Shane**: So how does it feel controlling an ultra-powerful being who's granted an ability many have only ever dreamed of having?

**Adam**: It's like you're controlling an ice cube on a hot day that was rubbed with duck fat.

**Superman**: Looks like a building is approaching rapidly. Luckily, I'm a master of flight and can easily maneuver around this- \*\*\*\*! OW!

**Shane**: The left thumbstick controls turning left and right, but moving that same thumbstick up and down pushes Superman forwards and backwards. And the right stick controls your vertical and horizontal position, but sometimes doesn't do that depending on what movement is taking place. You need to master both to properly turn Superman while at the same time using the right trigger to fly forward faster. Sound confusing?

**Adam**: It is! It is very confusing.

**Shane**: Don't even think you can change the controls because that won't help you. Every single option available doesn't change the flight or direction controls at all.

**Adam**: Oh, and we know. We tried all of them.

*(Shane and Adam sing the Superman theme)*

**Shane**: *This is not working!*

It doesn't matter how long you play or what you do. It never gets better, and you always feel like you're learning to fly for the entire game.

**Superman**: (grunts) Lois, I need my Viagra!

**Adam**: Well, if we're having trouble flying, why don't we run?

**Superman**: Look Lois, I'm running! Like people!

**Shane**: How is he running insanely fast and irritatingly slow at the same time?

**Adam**: Well, if you think movement in this game is garbage, the controls actually take a nosedive when you lock onto enemies.

**Shane**: Oh boy. Combat in this game is just- bleugh. If you were moving in one direction before you locked on, the controls actively change on the spot, disorienting the player.

**Adam**: If that weren't enough of a problem, Superman gets ultra slow and takes forever to move forward to get close enough for any of his melee attacks to land.

**Shane**: You better hope you're not being attacked from some other baddie, because if you're locked on to one of them, it's impossible to switch to the other.

**Adam**: Now, you see all this, and you're probably thinking to yourself-

**Superman**: Why do I need to punch things? I'm Superman! I've got a bunch of superhero powers at my disposal, like this:

*(Superman uses his freeze breath)*

I blow. I blow hard.

**Shane**: Yeah. Using superpowers. That's what we thought too.

**Adam**: Except the designers of this game introduce a battle system that literally nerfs Superman's abilities!

**Shane**: The system we're talking about is:

**Shane and Adam**: Specific attacks hurt specific enemies.

**Adam**: You're playing as Superman! It should feel natural or fun using all your crazy Kryptonian powers.

**Shane**: It should be fun, but it isn't. When you see a certain color, you have to use a specific attack.

**Adam**: Pop quiz! If you had to choose a color to signify a weakness to freeze breath, what would it be?

*(Blue?)*

No! You moron! It's green! Well, Superman also uses heat vision to defeat his enemies. Now, what color do you think of when you think of **red**-hot flames? No, you dunce, it's purple! Finally, some enemies are defeated using melee attacks. What color would indicate a melee attack? If you said yellow- you'd be correct- AND WRONG! Sometimes the enemies that are killed with melee attacks have a red target on them! Who- who came up with this system!

**Superman**: I did! The heat vision has fried my retinas.

**Shane**: Now, keep all of this color-coding in mind, and memorize it.

**Adam**: Because the game is going to get way less fun.

**Shane**: You need to also blow out fires, carry communication towers, and save crashing flying cars. All of this, while still fighting off color-coded enemies in very specific ways.

**Adam**: But the developers didn't stop there.

**Shane**: That's right! They also added health bars FOR THE BUILDINGS and time limits for virtually everything!

**Adam**: So, picture this: find a group of enemies, defeat them using the color system you definitely memorized before they destroy a building. Okay, done? Nah. Now, the building may or may not be on fire. Extinguish said fires on the building before it either runs out of health completely or you've run out of time.

**Shane**: And as soon as you're done that, you've instantly triggered another sequence where maybe Superman has to carry something somewhere. It could be a radio tower, it could be a hovercar, it could be a person, it doesn't matter. The moment you pick up anything, regardless of how much it weighs, it instantly turns your controls into ultra-heavy, unbelievably frustrating inputs. It's like you're driving a tractor trailer brimming with overfed hippos. Oh, the icing on the cake? Superman can't use any of his attacks while carrying something, so while you're carrying that civilian to safety, you better hope no enemy picks up a fight with you- and spoiler, they will.

**Adam**: But why would Superman being attacked matter?

**Shane**: Because he's got a health bar! Superman! The Man of Steel, the invincible hero, hurt by lasers and sticks and stuff!

**Adam**: The creators of this game could've easily made this make sense with a throwaway line, like-

**Writer**: Hey! Superman! Look! You need to be careful 'cause all the guys that are trying to hurt you, they've got kryptonite weapons! Uh, so, watch out!

**Adam**: But they didn't even bother writing that into the plot.

**Shane**: Speaking of plot, remember the cutscene we showed right at the start? What if we told you this was them trying? Using pre-rendered graphics, and advanced- animations.

**Adam**: Well, here, we're into our second cutscene, and- Jimmy. My boy. What have they done to you?

**Shane**: The model and animation work takes a bad turn.

**Adam**: Superman can't seem to sit still. He's jerkin' around. His eyes are just kinda dartin' all over the place. He looks like a rabid Chuck E. Cheese animatronic some drunk dad sucker punched.

**Shane**: And Jimmy's mouth animations? Woof. Clearly, this guy just went through some dental surgery. "Novocain hasn't worn off yet, eh Jimmy"?

*(Jimmy and Superman drool with blank stares)*

**Adam**: Ah, but Jimmy does have a reason to be in this game: to serve more exposition.

**Shane**: Important exposition though, as he is about to explain what's going on right now and the prior events that led to this game.

**Adam**: But as he's getting into it, this happens:

**Jimmy**: When Brainiac upgraded Metropolis and nearly-

**Superman**: I remember, Jim.

**Shane**: WHAT? Why did you do that? You idiot!

**Adam**: Superman spent, like, two minutes at the start of the game talking about his origin story, something everyone's heard like, a million times.

**Shane**: And then, when we're finally about to hear why a giant robot is materializing in the center of the city, Superman decides-

**Superman**: I remember, Jim.

**Shane**: -it's not worth our time.

**Adam**: Oh look, it's Lex Luthor. This scene's even worse than the last.

**Shane**: Let's go over a little list of everything that's wrong here.

**Adam**: When Superman lands, he doesn't actually touch the ground.

**Shane**: Crazy, stiff, and awkward animations.

**Adam**: Lex's hands are deformed.

**Shane**: Superman has a chest butt.

*(Chest butt farts)*

**Superman**: Excuse me.

**Adam**: And look, even simple things, like sound effects, play before any action happens, like right here.

*(Superman's flight sound plays before he takes off)*

**Shane**: The cutscenes that should come off as fun end up being overly confusing, like anything that happens to have Bizarro in it.

**Adam**: The famous inverted version of Superman that's basically backwards in every way has cringy dialogue and a cheese-infused performance that misses the whole point of what this character is about.

**Bizarro**: Bizarro clones am pretty. Me have new cape and name plate! Bizarro ugly!

**Shane**: You can't tell if he's trying to help or stop Superman, because the creators clearly didn't know how the character should act, or how he should be written. He says some things backwards, and some things not backwards. It's confusing, and completely inconsistent.

**Adam**: Oh, other villains pop up too, like Metallo, a hulking, metal behemoth who somehow sneaks up on Lois Lane.

**Metallo**: Lois Lane? Hey hey! as if this day wasn't lucky enough already!

**Adam**: Her reaction?

**Lois Lane**: Put me down, right now.

**Shane**: This is incredibly dumb.

**Adam**: Metallo's stage consists of the lumbering antagonist marching in a straight line through the streets while Superman does more of the exact same busy work he's done so many times in this game.

**Shane**: When the level ends, you face Metallo on a rooftop, and we got a treat for you. This is the first and only time kryptonite is officially used as a weapon in this game!

**Adam**: But Metallo's special kryptonite attack will catch you so off-guard the first time that you'll have virtually no time to try and fight back. Sups will die in the blink of an eye, and you'll have to play the whole level over again.

**Shane**: This is when we discovered yet another thing to hate about *Superman: The Man of Steel*: there are no checkpoints in this entire game. Levels that you spend chunks of time clunkily worming your way through need to be replayed if an objective isn't carried out properly. If time runs out, or if Superman bites the dust, it's all over. It's pure torture.

**Adam**: So, you're forced to work your way through these horrible levels, begging to clear them without dying. Your reward? More of the awkward, horribly doled out, mindless plot.

**Superman**: Mindless plot? Why, all you need to know is that Brainiac 13 is returning to destroy or assimilate Metropolis, ultimately with the help of Lex Luthor. I'm not strong enough to just, you know, punch Brainiac 13 away, so I got my best buddy Steel here to work with me.

**Steel**: We're not friends.

**Superman**: Ha ha he! So funny! Anyway, he told me to find a superweapon that happens to be on another planet called Warworld, so I fly to it and free a bunch of prisoners who are wearing shiny metal bras, just like Steel!

**Steel**: This is a symbol of hope! You literally have the same symbol on your-

**Superman**: Ha ho, he's the joker! Anyway, I freed all the prisoners because they didn't seem so evil to me, although they did cause a violent riot. But they also pointed me in the direction of a big weapon. So then I stole the weapon, and a big, giant head in space got really angry at me. So I punched his ship really good and broke it. When I brought the weapon back to my friend Steel-

**Steel**: We're not friends!

**Superman**: -It turned out he became infected by Brainiac 13. So, I punched the bad robots out of him, but then I got bored of punching him, so I went to space and blew up a satellite spaceship thing, and boom! It rained metal and debris all over Earth. I'm helping people! And then, I got to fight Cyborg Superman, who happened to be in the Phantom Zone for some reason, and he was all like-

**Cyborg Superman**: I'm a robot version of you and I'm so angry because I-

**Superman**: So I punched him. And then my best bud Steel-

**Steel**: No!

**Superman**: -and I escaped the Phantom Zone and finally, we had a weapon to take on Brainiac 13. And that's the story. Easy, right?

**Adam**: I guess. So that brings us to the final boss fight, which is shockingly simple and straight-up boring. Brainiac 13 barely moves. You just fight a few basic enemies, blow cool air on Brainiac's chest, and then use your heat vision on his head.

**Shane**: Eventually, Brainiac's character model kinda gave up and glitched out on us, refusing to react to any of our attacks.

**Adam**: Oh, yes. This is truly Superman's deadliest foe: the paperweight.

**Shane**: When you finish the battle, you're treated to another wonderful cutscene in which Superman uses his special weapon on the world's least threatening end boss. This leads to Brainiac's voice actor phoning in his final performance.

**Brainiac 13**: This is not right. I- no. Impossible. Superman could not have-

**Adam**: Oh, encore!

**Shane**: Bravo! Truly a- buh- a performance of the ages!

**Adam**: And that's it. The game ends.

**Shane**: And what a game it was. *Superman: The Man of Steel* takes a powerful character that should be endlessly fun to play as, and makes him feel and control like a confused and tuckered newborn.

**Adam**: Every single level, whether you're on Earth or in space or in a completely different dimension, it all incorporates the exact same dumb, diddly gameplay.

**Shane**: But that brings us to the question: is this worse than *Superman 64*?

**Adam**: Well, at least with *Superman 64*, they were on a generation of consoles that just started to kind of figure out how 3-D games worked. But here? They seem to be even more lost and confused with how games like this should play. If *Superman 64* was a product of its time, what was this game's excuse?

**Shane**: Plaster it with speeding bullets, crush it with a powerful locomotive, hurl it off a tall building.

**Adam**: *Superman: The Man of Steel*:

**Shane**: **IT'S JUST BAD.**

*(Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis approaches Superman 64 in the Phantom Zone)*