Introhammer

**Introhammer** is the iconic opening text of Warhammer 40,000. It has been oft-parodied, including by this very wiki. Here are some for the various factions:

## THE FOURTH REICH

***It is the 21st Century. For more than 70 years the Fuhrer
 has been a cyborg. He is the Master of Reichmenkind by the will of the
gods, and master of a million worlds by the might of his inexhaustible
armies. He is a maniac encased in Metal. He is the megalomaniacal Lord
of the Reich for whom a thousand tons of bio-fuel are sacrificed every
day, so that he may never truly die.

Yet
 even in his deathless state, the Fuhrer continues his eternal
vigilance. Mighty battlefleets cross the Skeleton-infested miasma of
Space, the only route between distant stars, their way lit by the
Raumhammer's Fuhrer-Class Starship, a 8,000,000-kilometre-long Starship,
 the physical manifestation of the Fuhrer's megalomania. Vast armies
give battle in his name on uncounted worlds. Greatest amongst his
soldiers are the Wache Des Ansfuhrers, the Fuhrer's Lapdogs, bio-engineered super-warriors. Their comrades in arms are legion: the Reichswehr and countless minor militias, the ever vigilant Reichpolizei and the racist fuckers of the Abteilung für Ahnenforschung to name only a few. But for all their multitudes, they are barely enough to hold off the ever-present threat from Karens, Skeletons, Norwegians - and weirder.

To be a Nord in such times is to be one amongst untold billions. It is
to live in the cruelest and most bloody regime imaginable. These are the
 tales of those times. Forget the power of sanity, for insanity is
everywhere. Forget the promise of rationality, for in the bizarre future
 there are only cloudcuckoolanders. There is no sanity amongst the
stars, only an eternity of hamminess and cheesiness, and the laughter of
 bizarre gods.***

## Norway

***It is the 21st Century. For more than 1,000 years the Emperor
 has ruled Norway. He is the Lord of Norwegians by the will of
Harald Fairhair, and master of a million worlds by the might of his inexhaustible
armies. He is a viking messiah with glorious locks of golden hair. He is the divine Lord
of the Empire for whom a thousand magic litres are channelled every
day, so that he may never truly die.

Yet
 even in his deathless state, the Emperor continues his eternal
vigilance. Mighty battlefleets cross the Nazi-infested miasma of
Space, the only route between distant stars, their way lit by the
Space Army's Magic Astrologist,
 the physical manifestation of the Emperor's divine power. Vast armies
give battle in his name on uncounted worlds. Greatest amongst his
soldiers are the Adeptus Aquartes, the Water Marines, magically enhanced super-warriors. Their comrades in arms are legion: the Norwegian Armed Forces and countless minor militias, the ever vigilant Magic Cops and the Magic Prophets of the Magicus Prophetus to name only a few. But for all their multitudes, they are barely enough to hold off the ever-present threat from Nazis, Skeletons, Deth Kultists- and weirder.

To be a Norwegian in such times is to be one amongst untold billions. It is
to live in the most peaceful and utopian regime imaginable. These are the
 tales of those times. Forget the power of sanity, for insanity is
everywhere. Forget the promise of rationality, for in the bizarre future
 there are only cloudcuckoolanders. There is no sanity amongst the
stars, only an eternity of hamminess and cheesiness, and the laughter of
 bizarre gods.***

## Finland

***It is the 21st Century. For more than 70 years the President of Finland
 has been a Robot. He is the Master of Finnkind by the will of the
gods, and master of a million worlds by the might of his inexhaustible
armies. He is a god in the machine. He is the Metal Master
of Finland for whom a thousand tons of bio-fuel are sacrificed every
day, so that he may never truly die.

Yet
 even in his deathless state, the President continues his eternal
vigilance. Mighty battlefleets cross the Skeleton-infested miasma of
Space, the only route between distant stars, their way lit by the
FinnLegion's MetalGod 9000, a Trillion-Gigabyte SuperSuperSuperComputer,
 the physical manifestation of Finland's technological prowess. Vast armies
give battle in his name on uncounted worlds. Greatest amongst his
soldiers are the Metal Warriors, the Metal Force, bio-engineered super-warriors. Their comrades in arms are legion: the robotti armeija*** ***and countless minor militias, the ever vigilant Finnish Police*** ***and the Tech-Masters of the State Technology Department to name only a few. But for all their multitudes, they are barely enough to hold off the ever-present threat from Nazis, Skeletons, Deth Kultists- and weirder.

To be a Finn in such times is to be one amongst untold billions. It is
to live in one of the Coldest and most Metal countries imaginable. These are the
 tales of those times. Forget the power of sanity, for insanity is
everywhere. Forget the promise of rationality, for in the bizarre future
 there are only cloudcuckoolanders. There is no sanity amongst the
stars, only an eternity of hamminess and cheesiness, and the laughter of
 bizarre gods.***