Season 1 Episode 7 "The Battle Axe of Hatred"

The dads help Nick retrieve a legendary weapon with their most cunning plan yet! Glenn reconnects with his son, Ron spends some quality time with Lizardboy Scales McStuffins, while Darryl and Henry commune with nature.

## Intro

This episodes intro features a Gartok taking calls on his "NPR" show from various people that the daddies have interacted with, including Sweet Matilda, Chekhov's Snake, and The Library. The Library's section recaps most of what happened the previous episode.

## Summary

The episode opens with Nick blade posing on the front of the Honda Odyssey. After a quick realization that it is in fact Glenn’s son, the two high five. Glenn and Nick catch up a bit, Nick telling Glenn about how he was sold to a guy in Waterdeep before being rescued by the people he’s with currently. Glenn agrees that the Dads will “pretend” to be criminals so Nick's new friends won’t rob them. Nick starts to explain to the Dads that he has to do a job, before interrupting himself and asking if the Dads want to go back to camp with him first. Glenn and Nick walk ahead of the van while Darryl drives behind them. Darryl, Ron, Henry, and Lizardboy Scales McStuffins have a stealth dad huddle. In the huddle, Henry brings up a concern that Glenn is gonna wind up enslaved in Nick’s thieves guild. Darryl tells Henry he should bring that up to Glenn himself and rolls down the van window, where Glenn and Nick have slowed down to walk next to it. Henry fails at a compliment sandwich and Ron tells Glenn that Henry was worried that Nick would swindle the dads and get them all sold into slavery. Nick denies.

The dads arrive at the camp and find themselves in a massive forest clearing in bloom. There are many colors of flowers, and Nick asks Glenn to pick a color. Glenn picks purple and Nick informs him the purple flowers make you levitate for five seconds. The petals work by dissolving on the person's tongue. Darryl begins picking a massive bouquet to give to Carol. Glenn brings up the idea of selling the drug flowers to Nick. They plot an empire. Henry, suspect of their budding (heh) father son drug empire relationship, talks to Darryl about it but gets distracted and sniffs the drug flowers. Henry rolls a natural 1. Cern and Ron attempt a conversation. Henry begins to float all over the ground, vomit all over himself, and he becomes extremely paranoid that Darryl just tried to poison him. He also forgets the last five minutes. Henry accuses Darryl of poisoning him, Darryl attempts to prove he didn’t by kissing Henry. The effects are now transferred to Darryl as well. Henry puts on a lot of Ron’s pants. Darryl devours Charleston Chews. Their symptoms disappear after a moment, and there's one Charleston Chew left that Darryl puts in his pocket.

The Dads and Nick are approached by a broad shouldered woman who introduces herself as Ellory, Nick’s boss. She asks them if they want to join the Watermice. Her and Nick tell the Dads about The Battle Axe of Hatred. An axe that has a demon trapped inside of it that was fought and defeated, however they couldn’t kill it. So the crusaders sucked its soul into the axe. They also explain that Ellory’s boss would love it if the Dads would go steal the Battle Axe from the rival gang, The Redbrands’, hideout. Getting the Axe will make Ellory’s boss’ boss lift the spell they put on Nick. The spell being, if Nick left his head would fall off. It's around this point when Darryl realizes he should have asked the Library for a book to help him solve Grant’s blood pact. Henry rolls insight on Ellory, getting a 16, and learning that Ellory is not telling the Dads the whole truth. This prompts a Dad huddle. Four out of five of the dads (excluding Ron, including Cern) state they don’t want Nick’s head to fall off. They compare this to dentists and we receive Henry’s first mention of his songs he writes. Ellory explains that while not all of the Watermice are under a spell like Nick, most of them stay because they like it. Cern points out that the place they need to return the books to is also the same town Grant is in, and that they have two weeks before the books are due. The Dads exit the dad huddle and tell Nick they have decided to get the axe and lift the curse, they figure the rest out from there.

Nick pulls out a map and explains where/who the Redbrands are; “total fuckin narcs” who used their rich parents money to make a hideout about a 15 min walk from the Watermice. They load up into the Odyssey and start driving. Glenn proposes a plan to hotbox the hideout like him and the Glenn Close Trio used to do in “420 friendly” states by shoving weed into the exhaust pipes and hotboxing garages. Henry asks how they’re going to pull off the heist if they’re all exposed, Darryl starts shouting about how urine on a cloth should counteract the effects. Henry tries to google this and gets a call from Scam Likely. Henry asks Scam if peeing on a cloth will work, who tells them “absolutely, it shall” work. Henry rolls an insight check on this and gets a 4.

Upon arriving at the Rebrands hideout, they assess the building. There are two windows on each side, a vent, and Nick explains there's a bunch of smaller rooms they'd need to close to hotbox the building. The Dads try to figure out how they could summon animals from the Hat of Vermin to do this. Glenn and Nick discuss the flowers.

* Purple: makes you float
* Blue: makes you paranoid
* Green: makes you think you’re dead
* Yellow: makes you nauseous
* White: makes you tell the truth
* Pink makes you forget the last five minutes

Glenn uses his magic jug to create an amalgamation of essential oils of those flowers, as well as gathering bouquets. They then plan to use the Honda Odyssey vacuum cleaner as an improvised hose. At around 2/3 am the dads return to the Redbrands hideout. Ron summons two rats and a bat and Henry casts speak with animals. The Dads tie the small bouquets to the animals using small pieces of twine so they’re dragging the small bouquets behind them. Before they release the rats and bat, the Dads “synchronize their urine.” Glenn rolls a nat 1 (he can’t go when people are watching) but pretends he didn’t. Henry rolls a 17. Ron rolls an 11. Darryl rolls a 19. Anthony makes Darryl roll a stealth check for how loud it is. Darryl rolls a natural 20. Cern is left to rev the car engine. Nick stays behind to be the “hell’s angel” (Glenn’s terminology) and watch over them.

They send the rats and the bat in to try and distract them, after lighting the homemade bouquets/bundles on fire. The bat goes in fine, but the Odyssey starts pumping out smoke from the exhaust. The rats run straight towards the gate, but get kicked back by the Guards. Glenn flourishes his nunchucks twice (first roll: 5 second roll: 15). Glenn attacks one guard with an 8, and Darryl rolls to hit the other with the blunt handle of his Axe, but he rolls a 1. The first guard dodges Glenn and looks up just in time to see Darryl hit himself in the head with his own axe and take 15 damage. As Darryl keens over trying to catch his breath, he inhales the smoke coming from the rats and realizes “Oh shit. In that documentary they tried to use pee to neutralize the chlorine in chlorine gas and it did nothing”. All at once, Darryl begins floating and vomiting. The guards go “Uh, alarm?” and blows a whistle.

## Dad Facts

Glenn Close: He knows Japanese in preparation for a show in Budokan that never happened.

Darryl Wilson: His older sister Casey owns a massively successful brewery in North Carolina.

Henry Oak-Garcia: He performs geology themed rap songs at the Children's Science Museum in San Dimas.

Ron Stampler: He has never played Dungeons and Dragons but he has played Scene It.

## Trivia

* NPR in the Forgotten Realms stands for "Nation Public Radio" and is the name of a giant whose shoulders Gartok stands on to shout his report on the daddies into the open air.

## Cast

Anthony Burch as the DM.

Freddie Wong as Glenn Close.

Matt Arnold as Darryl Wilson.

Will Campos as Henry Oak-Garcia.

Beth May as Ron Stampler