She Hopes, She Loves

♡ she hopes, she loves ♡

sandstorm's story//foxstep1

I. Kithood

"Oh, what a lovely name, Sandkit." A faint voice, as light as a feather, as far as the sky.

"Yeah, she really is perfect. What a shame *Redtail* won't be seeing her." A harder voice, edged with bitter. Why can't I see? I want to know what it is.

"Now Brindleface, don't you go starting your first days of a mother in a bitter mood. Your kit needs you!"

A sigh. "I suppose you're right, Spottedleaf."

A pause.

"She hasn't opened her eyes yet. Robinwing's kits opened the same day they were born."

"All kits are different. ThunderClan kits usually take 1-7 sunrises to open their eyes."

"Alright." A massive yawn. "I am so tired..."

"Rest for now. I'll come back soon to give you more borage."

I feel my soon to be recognized mother's pelt press against me, her paws bring me closer into the safety of her chest. How I yearn to stay here forever. To escape the battles to come, both internally and externally. Yet I can't suppress the excitement and eagerness to start. *Mrrow.*

♡
"Sandkit! Play with us!"

"What are we doing?" I stretch and blink sleep out of my eyes.

"We're sneaking into the Warriors' den and try to chuck prey at them." Dustkit grins.

"Awesome! We doing it now?" I bounce on my ginger paws, eager to begin the task.

Dustkit opens his mouth but Ravenkit intervenes. "Are we *sure* this is a good idea?" The black tom shuffles his feet, looking dubious. Dustkit glares at his brother. "Course it is! If you're too coward, you can stay with dearest *mommy* and miss out on all the fun."

"Yeah!" I join in, practicing a threatening look at the small kit. "Are you sure that's what you want?"

Ravenkit looks from me to Dustkit and back. "N-no."

"Let's go then." Dustkit makes a beeline for the fresh-kill pile. Adderfang is there, chewing on a squirrel. The ebony-pelted tom's whiskers twitch in amusement as we approach. "Aren't you kits a little to be consuming solids?"

"Not us!" Ravenkit squeaks.

"Yeah, Robinwing weaned us a quarter-moon ago," Dustkit glances at me. "But not Sandkit."

I glare at the dark brown tom and stick my tongue out much to the amusement of him and Adderfang. "She's just here to watch us and how we do it." Ravenkit meows.

"Whatever you say." Adderfang shrugs and carries the prey to where Leopardfoot is sitting.

"Now!" Dustkit hisses and we attack the fresh-kill our claws piercing many as we drag at least five to the den entrance. "We need more pieces to throw." I add.

"I know!" Ravenkit nearly shouts and we hush him with narrowed eyes. "We can claw them to itty bits."

So we do and we have a whole pile. The smell is overbearing and I licking the blood off my claws. Mmm. We start carrying our first load in where several warriors are sleeping. "I'll take the east, Sandkit takes the west, and Ravenkit-um...fill in where we can't. I raise my load of squirrel and toss it. It hits Thistleclaw and I yelp. He's so scary.

"Who's that?!" Stormtail cries as mouse splatters across his back and Dappletail gets up, concerned for his shouts but only to be knocked down with a master blow from me, myself, and I.

"STOP THIS!" Tigerclaw jumps to the center and his enraged face calms into a mocking expression. "Kits. What a surprise."

"Not a surprise," Thistleclaw stands beside Tigerclaw, teeth bared in a snarl. "What trouble they can be. Sandkit, you should've known better, being the *deputy's daughter*."

I flatten my ears, cringing against the scolding. "I'll take them to their mothers." Whitestorm volunteers and he makes a beeline for us, not even looking angry but rather amused. he stops at the entrance, ears pricked.

"Well if taking care of my kit is so hard for you, get another mate!"

"You don't understand, Brindleface. The Clan needs me especially with ShadowClan rising to tyranny and RiverClan overreacting over Sunningrocks. I'll find time with our daughter but I just can't at the moment?"

"You never will. Your status is much more important to you than family. I don't even know why I chose you."

"I don't know either, Brindleface."

Whitestorm pushes his way in, glowering at my parents, whose gazes fix on me, looking guilty and ashamed. All I can do is press against Dustkit and his tail wraps around me protectively and I see Ravenkit edging towards Robinwing's empty nest.

"I think you might want to know what your kit has done along with the others." So Whitestorm explains the whole thing and I have to bear Brindleface's disbelieving face and Redtail's disgusted expression.

"This is why kits like her need a supporting father."

"Or maybe their mother-"

"Enough!" Whitestorm roars, throwing back his head. "It's both of your faults. Enough of disturbing the Clan with your daily quarrels and bickering in front of your own daughter. If you can't be with each other, then leave each other be. And Redtail, don't you have patrols to organize?"

Redtail blinks, glaring at Whitestorm. Then he silently pads out of the nursery and Brindleface stares at Whitestorm for a moment, sorrow in her eyes before turning away. The white warrior's shoulders slump before he turns and leaves. I take in a deep breath. And another one. And another one.

♡
We got punished that day by Bluestar who declared that we would stay in our nursery for a half-moon and only eat what was given to us. Brindleface's milk was drying up and I had to share the meager morsels Dustkit and Ravenkit got. Soon, the three of us became closer than actual littermates (besides Dustkit and Ravenkit already being brothers). And a few days later, Willowpelt kitted Graykit, her own brother's kit. We avoided Graykit like the plague except for too kind Ravenkit. He left Dustkit and I to be Ravenkit's friend, much to Dustkit's annoyance.

"Come on, Dustkit! Play with *me*!" I'd say whenever Dustkit moped over his brother leaving us. Why couldn't he pay attention to me? I was the one who stuck to his side. I'm the one that will always be there for him. I was willing to do anything for Dustkit. It suddenly struck me as a warrior that I was infatuated. But whatever we had, it's gone now. But as a kit, I didn't consider different possible futures for the both of us.

But I could tell he liked me too. After a while, he disassociated himself with Ravenkit in all ways and came to me. We'd share prey together, get into trouble together, even sleep with our nests next to each other. Brindleface and Robinwing joked that we were destined to be mates, sometimes even in front of us. We'd flatten our ears and growl at them. And of course, avoid each other for the rest of the day and everything was okay the next sunrise.

Now, I see the tom Dustkit is growing into. He's meant to be a daredevil, taking on several warriors once. He could kill a whole pack of dogs if he wanted to. Maybe one day he'd be Duststar - but Sandstar obviously sounds better. But I know he's not meant for this destiny alone - he wants me to join him too. And join him, I will. He signals me to follow him, and I do - straight up the beech looming over camp. "We won't fall. This tree has strong grips and we're big enough." He says, and it's true. We are 4 moons now and close to the apprentice size. So I follow him up the beech, paws slipping into the holds. *You are not Ravenkit*, I tell myself. *You are not such a coward. Do not turn your back on him. Be a daredevil, just like he is.* I take a deep breath as we slip onto a branch and it begins shaking. "Don't worry," Dustkit steadies me with his tail. "It's too strong. I know; I've been here before." And I allow him to trust this dark brown tabby tom I'm supposedly in love with, leaning against his shoulder to calm myself.

We talk until the sun sets. We share our goals and we both want to be leader. Dustkit promises me I'll be his deputy if he becomes leader and I promise the same vice versa. We stare at the beautiful orange-pink sky that somehow matches my pelt. And later on, we climb down. I lose my balance near the end and fall into a pile of leaves. But I'm on my feet again, following him back to the nursery where our mothers are ready to hear about our adventures for the day - that is, until Ravenkit and Graykit shut up about how they learned to imitate a frog. Those two are definitely going to watch drooling as Dustkit and I conquer ThunderClan and bring us to peace.

♡
We decide to let Ravenkit and Graykit play with us because they're finally turning decent, or so we suppose. For this game, I'm the leader this time. "Let all those cats old enough to catch their own prey join beneath the Highrock for a Clan meeting!" I, Sandstar, call.

My playmates gather below me, Dustkit - or should I say, Duststorm, stands closest to me as he is my deputy. "It is time to make warriors. Graypaw, Ravenpaw, step forward."

"Wait, aren't we already warriors?" Graykit asks.

I frown. "No."

"But I'm Graystreak and he's Ravenfur."

"Leaders decide your names. Ravenkit, step forward. Now you are Ravenclaw, a warrior approved by StarClan. Graykit is Graystrike, also approved my StarClan. Now Duststorm will organize patrols."

Ravenclaw frowns, chewing his lower lip.

"What?" I tip my head.

"Why are you two the leader and deputy? We never agreed." Graystrike mutters.

"Well-" Duststorm starts.

"Aren't we supposed to do the "first one to the tree is the leader and last one is the deputy way?" Ravenclaw asks.

"That's a horrible method! Sandkit-er, Sandstar is an amazing leader!" Duststorm snaps

"And you can't decide who your deputy and leader are in actual Clan life." I point out.

"This is pointless!" Graykit scowls. "Come on, Ravenkit." The two toms pad away.

"Hmph." I walk back to the nursery.

"Wait, Sandkit!" Dustkit runs after me. "We can still play."

"No thank you, Dustkit," I don't look back at him. "I'm a little tired."

And I leave him just standing there.

♡
I don't know how to feel about this. I see them in the Warrior's den together. Sometimes they share tongues in the nursery. All around ThunderClan, a certain rumor is spreading: Brindleface has moved on. And Whitestorm is the new lucky tom. All I know is that nothing is the same again. Sometimes Brindleface spends the night in the Warriors' den, sharing Whitestorm's nest to make Redtail jealous and asks Robinwing to watch me. And the brown she-cat willingly allows me to share her nest.

But how do I feel about this? Angry is certain. Because Redtail is my father. After Brindleface abandoned him, he started bringing me flowers every day, stem and all. He'd leave it in my nest but I could smell his scent against the fragrance. He does care about me. And Brindleface just can't see that. Everytime I see her with Whitestorm, my claws unsheathe. They have no right to be together. Whitestorm isn't my father! This morning, I trotted down to where Redtail was organizing patrols and he let me sit by him importantly as he issued commands. It made me feel special. I see that Brindleface and Whitestorm have noticed this and seem both stunned and sullen. I even saw Brindleface take Redtail aside after the first day and hiss at him. But it didn't separate me from my father.

By now, I feel sick of kit adventures. I'm ready for the experience of Clan life. I want to train alongside Dustkit and learn the ways of a warrior together. I want to make Redtail proud of me and succeed him one day. And that day starts sooner than I can believe.

II. Apprenticeship

Brindleface and Whitestorm watch lovingly as I walk up next to Dustkit and Ravenkit. I turn my back, avoiding their gaze and instead smile at Redtail, who smiles back and nods his encouragement. "Dustkit, are you ready to learn how to serve your Clan?"

"I am."

"Then by this day, you will be known as Dustpaw. Redtail, I hope you will pass on your expertise to this young apprentice."

I feel a surge of excitement in my paws as Dustpaw walks down the High-Rock to meet his mentor. Dustpaw deserves someone as amazing as Redtail. "Ravenkit, are you ready to learn how to serve your Clan?"

"Y-yes, Bluestar..." Ravenkit stutters and I feel annoyed at the black tom. This is his apprentice day! How could he not be excited? Someone sure should give Spottedleaf the heads up that she needs an apprentice and the perfect one is right here.

"Then you shall now be addressed as Ravenpaw. Tigerclaw will mentor you." Ravenpaw almost jumps out of his skin but this time I pity him. No one wants a mentor like Tigerclaw. But nevertheless, he runs down to meet his mentor and Tigerclaw watches the newly-made apprentice with a cautious look.

"Sandkit, are you willing to learn the ways of a warrior?"

"Yes, Bluestar"

"Then you shall now be known as Sandpaw. Your mentor will be Whitestorm." I turn, my body feeling as cold as stones, and run lightly down High-Rock to touch noses with Whitestorm. He has a friendly smile and I wonder if he asked Bluestar if he could mentor me. We join the other apprentices, Dustpaw smiling and Ravenpaw twitching uncomfortably.

"I think we should show them around the territory first." Redtail suggests.

"Why?" Tigerclaw interjects. "They'll get used to the territory enough. We should teach them hunting first."

"I agree with Redtail," Whitestorm adds. "Apprentices need the common sense of their territory. They have a full six moons to learn hunting and battle moves."

Tigerclaw looks from Redtail to Whitestorm, then snarls. "My apprentice doesn't need that. I can choose wisely for him." He leads a shaking Ravenpaw into the dark, dark forest.

Redtail shrugs. "We might as well start the tour now."

As we walk along, Dustpaw and I chat about how exciting this is, but I also recognize the silent, barely visible hostility between Redtail and Whitestorm. Every now and then, the two mentors point out significant landmarks and around the border to ShadowClan (which *reeked*), we head back.

♡
"Have you heard about that kittypet recruit?" Dustpaw asks me as I settle down in my nest.

"Yeah." I roll my eyes. "What a dumb idea."

"You think so?" The dark brown tabby tips his head.

"I do. Kittypets have no place in the Clan. What is Bluestar thinking?"

"Exactly!" Dustpaw jumps to his paws and I notice Ravenpaw watching us uneasily and he covers his head. Coward. "Our warriors are sufficient enough to help this Clan! Have you heard he's going to be an apprentice?"

My eyes widened. "You're not serious! Now we'll have to share a den with him. Let's make him sleep outside!"

"Is this conversation completed?" Whitestorm poked his head out of the den, his voice cold and bitter. "Or shall I continue to hear this unacceptable insolence."

"Whitestorm." Ravenpaw gasps. "I-I promise I didn't-"

"I know, Ravenpaw," Whitestorm flicks his tail and he turns his gaze to me, his question gaze even colder.

"It's not fair! Why do we have to put up with him?"

"If Bluestar says you have to train with the kittypet, you will. I thought better of you, Sandpaw. But don't change my mind any more by acting even more spoiled."

I glower at my mentor for a few seconds storming to the far end of the den, taking my nest with me. Whitestorm calls after me, but I don't care. He is not my father. Brindleface is not my mother. She might have been once, but not anymore. Only Redtail is here for me.

Redtail.

Redtail...

*...Redtail...*

"REDTAIL IS DEAD!"

I jolt from my dream. I envisioned Redtail dying by the claws of Brindleface. Her face is smeared with blood, her teeth gnashed as she slits his throat. But why did that call sound close.

"Sandpaw! Wake up!" Frostfur is suddenly in the den, her face streaked with pain. *What happened?*

"Redtail?" I ask confused.

"Sandpaw, come quickly!"

I follow Frostfur out to the clearing