GULABISTOCK: How Do I Breathe?

The content of this page is relevant to the Phi Timeline.

**Meta Content:** This section contains details which break reader immersion.

lol colon story *\*shot\**

## Story Happenize

Once upon a time in the continuity of Chanukwanzaa, someone realized we needed a GULABISTOCK story, so this is all JWDD's fault. Jaywid was pacing around in his lighthouse in Iasiputh, when he realized, he's not a character yet. He doesn't actually exist. Then he used the power of Z00P-N00P to traverse the world to Delinus' house.

\*KNOCK KNOCK BITCH\*

Jaywid: Delinus, get your flaming ass out here! We got a Story to happenize!

Delinus opens his front door, rather groggilly.

Delinus: What? Who the hell are you? It's 3 in the morning, I'm not goin' ta buy your damned girl scout cookies...

Jaywid: Oh shit, I forgot I don't exist in this current continuity, I'll come back when I get a round to it.

\*JAYWID UNEXISTIFIES\*

Delinius then went back to bed, caring not until he'd woken at sunrise and had some coffee. He then visited Jaywid, knowing the location of the Iasiputh lighthouse - a name he would always pronounce 'wrongly' according to everyone but his distant kin, who for the most part shared his ~~British~~ unusual accent.

Delinus then knocked on the lighthouse door.

Knock

Knock

Delinus: what, why is no-one answering?

knock

Knockknock

KnockknockKnockknockKnockknockKnockknockKnockknockKnockknockKnockknockKnockknockKnockknockKnockknockKnockknockKnockknockKnockknockKnockknockKnockknockKnockknock \*continues\*

Delinus: Feckin seriously, why is that shite not answering..?

Delinus then knocks so much, that he reaches the mageck number of Knockknock times, and creates a temporal portal to super-hell. Delinus is sucked into the portal along with Iasiputh itself.

Delinus: Where am I?

Some local folkperson or other decided that it was a wise idea to introduce him to Iasiputh. They spoke in their own language but because plot blah blah also who do you think Delinius is so they understand each other perfectly fine here.

Local person: Hello good sir, how about I tell ya something bout dis place and its history? \*Breaks off into very long story about all of Iasiputh\*

Delinius: Actually, I did know these things.

Local person: Oh. Well, I hope you enjoyed my story anyway?

They quietly back away, suddenly rather unsettled by Delinius' presence.

Jaywid: Eyy, Delinius! You got over here! C'mon, let's make this Story thing happen!

Delinius: Alright, let me see here. You have come from a time far before even what I know, and yet you're doing perfectly fine, despite your obvious, well, physical state. This seems all good fun to me-

BANG. Apparently there's pirates or something else here, and they aren't related to Stickbeard unfortunately.

Arr, give me all yer loot, ya landlubber!

He swung around a cheap-looking sword that was still as sharp as it was cheap.

Delinius: Nope.~~avi~~

Delinius then cut through the sword and through the pirate with his axe, because yeah, cheap swords actually break when you want them to rather than the other way around. Though that's also perspective so at the same time you could-

Delinius: WE ARE TRYING TO BUILD SOMETHING OF A PLOTLINE HERE, PLEASE.

Sorry about that.

## 1: I Am Ahab

schnoop schnoop

OH HI AHAB

Delinius: I smell a very large source of sea mammalian, with a distinct abundance of boat and skeletal arms.

Like the master chef he truly is ~~not and never was~~, Delinius whipped out a frying pan. Yes, frying pans are incredibly effective, believe it or not.

MEGA MEGALODON THE SEVENTEENTH: \*Infernal whale(?) noises\*

Delinius: Now, how should I prepare you...?

All of a sudden, the most important character in all of canon (as well as the superior chef) showed up to save the day.

Chutney: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

Delinius: ... And where did *you* come from?

Chutney: Yee.

With a very simple [FORBIDDEN RECIPE], Chutney made short work of the creature and implemented its meat into a decadent fifteen-course meal. Delinius had to eat all of it. *All of it.*

*All of it.*

***BOTTOM TEXT***

Delinius feels a weird rumble in his trakglange. Suddenly, his flesh twists, pulls and bops in a cetacean manner.

Looks like someone didn't check the ingredients list.

Delinius: [Distraught cetacean noises]

Suddenly Jaywid existifies as a local goat

Jaywid: hey Delinius, did you realize you are the Deli(nius).

Deli(nius): [Distraught Sandwich-Meat-Type cetacean noises]

Jaywid: On the topic of sandwiches, can you get me a Ham on rye with extra Blood.

Deli(nius): Sorry sir, we are out of Ham, all we have is grade F spam.

Jaywid: \*Has intense flashbacks and seizures\*

....

....

Jaywid: You know what, i'll have that.

Deli(nius): [chittering in cetacean sounds] that will cost you Knockknock FanBoons.

Then, due to the Knockknock being repeated once already in super-hell, and the mentioning of the dreaded Fan-Boon system, existence itself is sucked into super-super hell, and the dreaded WaldoGodPower is summoned.

Waldo: Do you know about [breathes-in]...

Waldo:

Deli(nquent): [grunting in criminal noises] We have to stop that Waldo!

Deli(knee-us): But wait!

Deli(whatever) then called forth, uh, whatever it was that he called forth. It was probably something to combat Wal-

Oh, it's TERRORBOX. Now, TERRORBOX is actually pretty scary, with how gravity doesn't seem to bother it and that smile... that goddamn smile. I find it really creepy.

But Wait! Waldo is almost impossible to find by wearing stripes (he doesn't want to be spotted). The TERRORBOX now is just sp00king Jaywid to an immense degree.

Now begins the hunt for Waldo and his evil capitalist currency system \*USSR'ING INTENSIFIES\*

## 2: Seven Days Later

Zachary sighed and swung his arms over to his alarm clock, knocking over last night's glass of lemonade in the process. He sighed, using his arms to turn off the alarm, distraught over last night. He still reeked of pickle juice, which was alarming, and he brought back his arm from the alarm clock, getting some lemonade on his arm in the process. He sighed. He decided to stand up, getting up on his arms, and almost slipped on the lemonade, which alarmed him. He sighed arms. Last night he was in a pickle, and the lemonade juice came out of his clock, but he got up, and walked out of bed, which was arms. He pickled his way down the clockstairs as his bed juice dripped out from his glass night's last of lemonade, which made him sigh. He was almost at the bed of the alarm, which still reeked of arms.

But how did we get here, you ask? Well, dear reader, to answer that question, we have to go back: thousands and thousands of years ago when the universe was gay.

## 2-1: i think there was a box involved?

Back thousands of knockyears ago when the universe was gay, it was okay to kiss your homies goodnight. Waldo missed those days, when he was still a young sappling ready to grow into a large mature beanstalk. Gay shit was prominent over every known realm in the universe, and a group of diseases involving abnormal cell growth with the potential to invade or spread to other parts of the body.[2][8] These contrast with benign tumors, which do not spread to other parts of the body.[8]Possible signs and symptoms include a lump, abnormal bleeding, prolonged cough, unexplained weight loss, and a change in bowel movements.[1] While these symptoms may indicate cancer, they may have other causes.[1] Over 100 types of cancers affect humans.[8]

Tobacco use is the cause of about 22% of cancer deaths.[2] Another 10% are due to obesity, poor diet, lack of physical activity, and excessive drinking of alcohol.[2][9][10] Other factors include certain infections, exposure to ionizing radiation and environmental pollutants.[3] In the developing world nearly 20% of cancers are due to infections such as hepatitis B, hepatitis C and human papillomavirus infection.[2] These factors act, at least partly, by changing the genes of a cell.[11] Typically many genetic changes are required before cancer develops.[11] Approximately 5–10% of cancers are due to inherited genetic defects from a person's parents.[12]Cancer can be detected by certain signs and symptoms or screening tests.[2] It is then typically further investigated by medical imaging and confirmed by biopsy.[13]

Many cancers can be prevented by not smoking, maintaining a healthy weight, not drinking too much alcohol, eating plenty of vegetables, fruits and whole grains, vaccination against certain infectious diseases, not eating too much processed and red meat, and avoiding too much sunlight exposure.[14][15] Early detection through screening is useful for cervical and colorectal cancer.[16] The benefits of screening in breast cancer are controversial.[16][17] Cancer is often treated with some combination of radiation therapy, surgery, chemotherapy, and targeted therapy.[2][4] Pain and symptom management are an important part of care.[2] Palliative careis particularly important in people with advanced disease.[2] The chance of survival depends on the type of cancer and extent of disease at the start of treatment.[11] In children under 15 at diagnosis the five-year survival rate in the developed world is on average 80%.[18] For cancer in the United States the average five-year survival rate is 66%.[5]

In 2015, about 90.5 million people had cancer.[6] About 14.1 million new cases occur a year (not including skin cancer other than melanoma).[11] It caused about 8.8 million deaths (15.7% of deaths).[7] The most common types of cancer in males are lung cancer, prostate cancer, colorectal cancer and stomach cancer.[19] In females, the most common types are breast cancer, colorectal cancer, lung cancer and cervical cancer.[11] If skin cancer other than melanoma were included in total new cancers each year, it would account for around 40% of cases.[20][21] In children, acute lymphoblastic leukemia and brain tumors are most common except in Africa where non-Hodgkin lymphoma occurs more often.[18] In 2012, about 165,000 children under 15 years of age were diagnosed with cancer.[19] The risk of cancer increases significantly with age and many cancers occur more commonly in developed countries.[11] Rates are increasing as more people live to an old age and as lifestyle changes occur in the developing world.[22] The financial costs of cancer were estimated at $1.16 trillion USD per year as of 2010.[23]

## 3: Well that was bad, back to some actual good content

oops this holiday is over

at least we can try to write a chanukwanzaa story bc that's totally going to be wholly different content from this