Squab Prong War

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The Squab Prong War was a magical conflict taking place from 1922 to 1923 centered in New York City, fought among high society elites over the issue of whether the consumption of pigeon meat was acceptable at fancy dinner parties.

## Background

Just prior to the end of World War 0 in 1911, an unexpected near-total shortage of chicken, turkey, duck, and other fowl was felt in New York City. Legend tells that during this crisis one family of nobles demanded of their spider servants to prepare them a chicken dish and threatened to fire them if they could not, despite no purchasable chicken existing within New York City at the time. One of their servants, a young, magically inclined orb weaver spider named |!ʘǃ˞ ǁ. ǃ¡ǂǂᶢǃʶʢ, while making futile attempts to locate a chicken, encountered and was attacked by a young pigeon outside, and was heroically able to subdue it by entangling it in her web. ǃ¡ǂǂᶢǃʶʢ and her family were able to transport the pigeon back to the family's house and prepare it as a dish for the family, claiming it to be the last scrap of chicken meat left at the butcher's shop. The dish was not anywhere near enough for the entire family, so all but the family's youngest daughter went without it, but she loved the dish enough that her parents were convinced not to fire ǃ¡ǂǂᶢǃʶʢ. After that, the spiders began to work together to trap young pigeons via magical means and prepare them for the family, continuing to pass it off as a delicious chicken dish, until one day the mother discovered the truth when she encountered one of ǃ¡ǂǂᶢǃʶʢ's webs with a pigeon caught in it. Rather than reporting her servants to the Spider Criminality Task Force (SCTF) for lying to the family, she decided young pigeon meat (known as "squab") would be the next fad and served it to several friends at a dinner party, who loved it. Thus began the popularity of squab in the world of upper-class New York City, or so the legend goes...

Over the next few years squab gradually became a mainstay of dinner parties in the city, developing special rules of etiquette (such as the newly-invented squab fork) surrounding it. The rising demand for pigeon meat provided new economic opportunities for spiders in the city skilled with magic, as pigeons were less likely to notice or suspect ill intentions of spiders compared with humans, making spiders uniquely suited as pigeon hunters. Not all who tried squab loved it, however, and in 1918 the New York Anti-Squab Alliance (NYASA) was formed by several prominent businesspeople (and one prominent businessspider) who either hated the dish, were harmed by the economic impacts of reducing demand for chicken and increasing demand for skilled spider labor, or objected on principle to the idea of the thing in order to lobby for anti-squab regulation and promote an anti-squab cultural movement, using slogans such as "Put the Squab Mob out of a Job", "Time to Dine, Dime to Tine",, and "Down With the Pigeon Religion". In response, pro-squab elements in New York high society formed the reactionary New York Anti-Anti-Squabbites (NYAAS) in 1920, who devoted considerable resources to using lowbrow tactics such as frivolous lawsuits, slander, taunting, TP-ing, "your mom" jokes, and fluoroantimonic acid against prominent NYASA members and associates. A third faction, consisting of radical pigeon sympathizers, some noted members of the Spider Liberation Movement self-described as intersectionalist, and many parents and relatives of young pigeons killed in the squab trade, formed the broad End Pigeon Slaughter Now (EPSN, not to be confused with the modern-day ESPN, the Entertainment and Spider Politics Network, or for that matter Epsom Salt) coalition, containing advocates attempting to raise awareness of the evils of the squab trade as well as terrorists seeking to attack, partially through the use of magic, prominent members of NYAAS, Antimony Hall, and even NYASA, who they viewed as acting in bad-faith self-interest and hampering the true cause of pigeon rights.

## Main Conflict

In Februarch 1922, NYASA, having been largely thwarted in its attempts to discourage or outlaw the consumption of squab at dinner parties directly, turned to a new, more effective tactic: targeting the manufacture, sale, and use of squab forks. The next month they achieved their first real victory: successfully lobbying for a new city ordinance prohibiting the manufacture or importation of forks with only two prongs, which most squab forks possessed at the time, under the guise of wanting to prevent magical resonance cascades from occurring. NYAAS quickly retaliated by enlisting several prominent New York City-native wizards to delete the ordinance from the books, succeeding at doing so but causing a brief magical resonance cascade in the process, causing all squab forks in the city to be transformed into the state of Wyoming for several nanoseconds before being transformed back. The NYASA victory was short-lived, since, recognizing the dangers of having a magical conflict centered around two-pronged forks, most manufacturers quickly switched to producing three-pronged forks anyway.

Witnessing NYAAS's successful use of magic in the exchange, NYASA enlisted several more prominent wizards, beginning the magical phase of the conflict in earnest. As three-tined forks, despite being less sensitive to magic than two-tined forks, were still very sensitive, NYASA wizards chose to target the tines of the squab forks, working over the course of a month and a half to successfully develop one of the most complex magical glyphs ever created, a symbol that could be used in a spell to distinguish the prongs of a squab fork from the prongs of any other type of fork, regardless of the number, style, or any physical characteristic of the fork, solely identifying the intended target of consumption for which the fork was created. NYASA was first content to utilize it to simply delete the tines of every squab fork in existence, preventing the consumption of squab in high society for several weeks. In the meantime, EPSN, employing human and spider wizards of their own, successfully infiltrated NYASA's headquarters and copied the squab fork identification glyph. In turn, NYAAS spies within EPSN copied the glyph and took it for their organization's use. NYAAS would quickly thereafter develop a spell to reinstate the prongs of all squab forks.

In the following weeks, an arms race arose between NYASA, NYAAS, and EPSN over developing spells to target the tines of squab forks. Initially NYASA simply used different variations on the vanishing spell, which took NYAAS several days to reverse each time, but by the end of Maypril NYAAS wizards had created a blanket spell that reversed any type of vanishing spell NYASA had the capacity to develop. Instead, NYASA turned to putting various jinxes on the fork prongs, such as turning them into rubber, making them give mild electrical shocks, making them constantly oscillate in temperature between -40 and 80 degrees Felsius with a period of 25 seconds, and giving them a gravitational mass of -65536 pentagrams each while leaving their inertial mass unchanged. Each time NYAAS was able to reverse-engineer the spell successfully. Meanwhile, EPSN, which had by this time become dominated by its radical faction, developed several more destructive jinxes, including ones sharpening the tines to single-atom points, causing the prongs to be strongly gravitationally attracted to the nearest inflated object, or turning the prongs into pure tarbiumendory; however, EPSN's jinxes were more rudimentary and could usually simply be retrocausally erased. During this time, a newspaper, the New York Tines, was founded to neutrally document the newly-termed Squab Prong War and inform the hapless lower echelons of New York society of what was happening and what they needed to know.

Apart from the direct jinxes on fork tines, all factions, but particularly NYAAS and EPSN, placed many different jinxes on the personnel, facilities, and operations of their enemies. NYAAS memorably managed to create a sequence of glyphs comprising a jinx to cause every EPSN operative's mother to double their body weight, and EPSN, even before their counterjinx was deployed, retaliated with a jinx of their own giving everyone affiliated with NYAAS cat ears, which took NYAAS almost eight months to undo. NYASA was less prolific, but still managed to create and use several jinxes, including one to remove a quarter inch in length from a single leg in every chair in NYAAS' and EPSN's headquarters.

This "active stalemate" phase of the conflict continued for several months. However, in late Octuber 1922, NYAAS managed to gain the upper hand with a spell causing a new, unaltered squab fork to appear on the ground next to anyone in New York City who walked more than five feet away from all existing squab forks, regardless of any jinxes that had been placed on them. This nullified most of NYASA's attempts at creating effective jinxes for squab fork tines for over a month until a counterspell could be created; even then, NYASA only succeeded at nullifying the spell in the Blonks, where its headquarters were located, and parts of Man Hat and Monarchs. Before that point NYAAS would voluntarily release the spell on its side of the city (Astatine Island and some of BrookeLynne) because of how annoying the constant jingling sound (not to mention traffic hazards) was if you didn't want to be carrying around a squab fork at all times — this would, however, leave a zone through Man Hat, BrookeLynne, and Monarchs where the squab fork generation spell was still in effect until the very end of the war.

NYASA would continue to attempt squab prong jinxes during that time; most importantly, one jinx successfully squab forks' prongs to emit quiet, high-pitched hums at random microtonal intervals at all times unless in earshot of a NYASA affiliate, taking effect no matter whether the fork had existed when the jinx was cast. This jinx, while succeeding at making people hate squab forks with a burning passion, backfired by making much of the populace hate NYASA even more, although it wasn't all bad, since they also partly blamed NYAAS for making squab forks follow them around wherever they go. NYAAS also compounded the situation by upping the number of new squab forks that generated upon leaving the vicinity of all existing squab forks to two. However, it was the ongoing actions of EPSN that forced some degree of de-escalation. Several weeks after the final borders of the zone of effect were established, EPSN (which had been forced to go underground after a NYAAS raid turned their headquarters irreversibly into a solid mass of squab forks, which emitted such a horrendous microtonal din that several EPSN members would develop PTSD after the fact) developed a jinx that would cause squab forks' tines to attempt to tickle any human in the general vicinity every quarter-hour, something that both NYASA and NYAAS immediately condemned as inhumane. NYASA and NYAAS declared a temporary ceasefire and the following day put out a joint statement issuing an ultimatum to EPSN that further jinxes taking effect within the zone of effect would be met with immediate joint action. NYASA and NYAAS also agreed to limit all new jinxes to activate only outside the zone of effect, before agreeing to end the ceasefire.

While the joint statement successfully cowed EPSN into following the agreement (which NYASA and NYAAS both followed as well), the damage had been done in the zone of effect, now officially termed the New York Demilitarized Zone (DMZ). While every active spell or jinx within the DMZ could easily be reversed, no party was willing to lose their advantage by doing so, causing constant microtonal hums and intermittent tickles to be the way of life of all living within the DMZ except the lucky few who had managed to miraculously avoid all contact with squab forks up to that point. The plight of DMZ residents was fairly hopeless; the forks could not be restrained from tickling (although they did mercifully refrain from tickling sleeping people), and they had to be tediously rewrapped every fifteen minutes in soundproof material to eliminate the hum. DMZ residents usually had little they could do besides endlessly complain about it, or move. This plight was summed up in the famous New York Tines headline "Squab Prong Jinx DMZ: Kvetch? Fly?", published on Januember 20.3rd, 1923.

## Conclusion and Aftermath

Eventually the situation ground to a stalemate, as NYASA wizards were having difficulty overcoming NYAAS' superior counterjinxes, NYAAS found themselves unable to effectively undermine NYASA in any way, and EPSN was mostly sidelined by the threat of combined action against them should they commit further inhumane acts, given that it's hard to commit *humane* terrorism, after all. By mid-1923, with no hope on the horizon of an end to the war, or even any progress on any side, several deities, including Janet, began to debate ending the war via divine intervention. When they ultimately decided in favor of the proposal in late Auguly 1923, it fell to Janet's uncle God to intervene in the conflict. New York City residents awoke on Argentust 0.th not to a high-pitched microtonal hum or to the plaintive sound of mourning doves but to a voice bellowing from the heavens:

> Ok, listen up New York: what the hell do you think you're doing? Will. You. All. Shut. Up. About. Squab. Forks. You've been at this for a year and a half just because half of you can't fathom the idea that pigeon meat does. Not. Belong. At. Dinner. Parties. Not now. Not ever. Not even one tiny, itsy bitsy little bit. You God-damned fracking fools think that godforsaken food is worth jinxing an entire city over? Shame. On. You. Shame on you, shame on *you*, shame on *you* too, shame on *you*, and *you*, and *you* and you and you and you and you and... shame on each and every one of you! Don't think you anti-squabbites are innocent either! I hate microtonality with a *passion*, and be damned if any of you are coming my way after your times here are up. All right now, you know I hate doing this, but... [a theatrical pause] ALL YE CITIZENS AND DENIZENS OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK! HEAR ME NOW, AND FEAR MY WORDS! I COMMAND SQUAB NEVER TO BE EATEN AGAIN BY YE WHO OWN ASSETS TOTALING TEN MYRIAD OF DOLLARS, OR, LO, MORE! [another pause] I COMMAND YE WHO DEFILE THE LANDS OF MEN'S MILLINERY, LESSER RULERS THAN MYSELF, AND MY... [in a quizzical tone] quite oddly named... DAUGHTER TO QUIT THE LANDS WITH YOUR HEATHEN UTENSILS, YOUR SATANIC TONES, AND YOUR INFERNAL TICKLING! JINXES SHALT... wait no, that's bad grammar... ok, SHALL NEVER BE CAST AGAIN WITHIN THESE CITY WALLS... no, *dammit* NAY, BORDERS, UPON THE TARGET OF PRONGS OF FORKS! THOU WHO BREAKS MY COMMANDMENT SHALT NEVER ENTER MINE KINGDOM IN THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT, AND THY NAME SHALL BE CURSED FOREVER! [muttering] Not that I have a track record of enforcing my commandments... ok, where's the damn off switch on this thing before I say something even stupider... [muffled noises from some shifting object] ok, there it i-
>
>

Most historians contend that under ordinary circumstances this admonition from God, who had historically been disregarded by most New Yorkers as a preachy know-it-all, would have been ignored almost entirely, but surveys conducted via time travel of contemporary New Yorkers indicate that the semi-coherent tirade actually improved God's popularity greatly in New York, raising His favorability by a full 31 percentage points to 67%, most likely accounting for the fact that all factions involved in the war immediately decast all active jinxes, disbanded operations, and promptly tried to pretend they never liked eating squab at dinner parties, magic, or microtonal intervals in the first place. While the end of the war was well-received by almost all human New Yorkers, it was a devastating blow for spiders, as up to 15% of New York's spider population had been employed in the squab industry by the beginning of the war, and rampant unemployment among spiders caused spider crime (already officially at high levels due to the overzealous SCTF) to rise further. This eventually (and indirectly) resulted in the establishment of groups such as (most notably) Islenskt Konguloarsamfelag. The Spider Liberation Movement would survive this blow, but would face further issues in the coming decades; the intersectionalist faction within it, meanwhile, would lose traction in the movement with its main goal (an end to the squab trade) being achieved.

Officially, Argentust 0.th is celebrated by New York City as Revelation Day, or unofficially "Tickle Day", although among pigeons it is known as Dove Day of Mourning.

God would eventually be elected mayor of New York City in 2007, although, as He was elected involuntarily, He resigned immediately afterward, becoming the shortest-serving mayor of New York, having spent 5.39×10-44+3ɕ seconds in office, a record that will never be broken (barring quasiinteger-length terms such as 0. or 1/infinity).

## See also

* New York City Revolution
* Im gonna explode

## Notes and References

1. ↑ A feat that is considered to most likely be physically impossible, even with the aid of magic
2. ↑ Playing off the exorbitant price of the earliest squab forks
3. ↑ Despite it being impossible for an individual to be a pigeon and a spider simultaneously (barring IURS intervention)
4. ↑ By this time it had become a major social faux pas to eat squab without a squab fork
5. ↑ The inspiration for the IURS's famous Milpound Experiment
6. ↑ As a side effect creating some of the fastest-known human-made objects ever recorded
7. ↑ Several sources claim this was due to prominent individuals within NYAAS deliberately sabotaging the counterjinx team's progress, but this is disputed; some ex-NYAAS members merely claim that it was because the NYAAS decided to use surgery and never had plans to develop a counterjinx.
8. ↑ This headline would later be featured as part of a Squab Prong War special episode on CWM Fjordbank's Vext Glyph Quiz. The article itself is noteworthy for containing steganographically embedded magical glyphs of unknown function that were not discovered until the end of the century, casting doubts among many as to the New York Tines' professed neutrality in the conflict.
9. ↑ Whether this word is grammatically correct in this position in the sentence is disputed
10. ↑ This statement would later be the subject of a successful $2×1036 slander lawsuit brought against God by Satan
11. ↑ Despite New Yorkers' typical attitude to these things, to prevent rudeness to God federal law mandates that every mass revelation from God be commemorated with a holiday by the smallest jurisdiction covering the entire revelation in most nations, with the exception of Hell, the IURS, and Mooseyland.
12. ↑ According to several (according to several estimates) estimates

1. ↑ *Bees.* Heav, 37 Maruary 2032. Web publication
2. ↑ *Wasps* IBid, 4567 Tuesday 2002
3. ↑ *A Modern History of Squid-Adjacent Organisms.* Y. S. Q́. Baklava
4. ↑ Publication information available at https://:sptth
5. ↑ *What Uncle Said to New York*. Janet, 79856486 Dismember, 1743. web publication