2023 Power Rankings-Week 9

## Introduction

It was almost a kicker comeback for the ages, but Paddock 9 Mattjinx-be-goned some bad juju at the final hour and saved themselves from the most crushing regular season loss imagineable.

Duck Punchers vs. Paddock 9 lived up to all the hype. A team fighting for survival vs. a team hoping for history. With a combined total of 484.68, there was not a dull moment from beginning to end. Pat's Philly Cheesestake combined for 87.61, while a big day was not in the cards for Lamar Jackson against the Cards. But Duck still packed a punch in the Steelers/Jags game, with a 31 point defensive performance to compliment 42.18 from Travis Etiendzone. In the late window, Kenneth Walker was slowed to a trot and Travis Kelce left his Taylor Swift power boost at home. It was Walker's worst and Kelce's second worst performance of the year.

But DP was able to switch discs and turn to a CD that played some of the greatest hits, with Lamb proving anything but lame and posting career numbers.

After a lackluster 16.50 from Keenan Allen, Duck Punchers needed an all-time performance from a kicker who had just last week posted a duck egg. Lucky for him, he had a MattJinx on his side.

And so the night went. Kick after kick, extra points, 50+ yarders. It was a kickapalooza. But it wasn't until the Lions got into field goal range for what would have been the go-ahead fifth FG that Pat was able to shimmy away from the jinx.

After that, the Lions drive into the 20-29 FG range, which would have give Duck 4 of his 5 needed points. And then, in a miracle that can only be described as #LOCRigged, Riley shanked the kick way right. Instead of gaining 4, he lost 1. He finished the night with 18.50, or "at like 18," as the jinx master said.

It was deadly close, but the Riley Rampage was not enough to knock Paddock 9 off his perch, and not enough to get Duck Punchers into a playoff position throuhg 8 weeks.

For Duck, this was a rough blow to their postseason hopes. They are still a top team, but time is not on their side. With just six games left, they need to go at least 5-1. That means they will need a win streak of at least four games at some point, which is doable considering their remaining schedule. Getting started against Pain Train this week will help.

And then there is Paddock 9.

Paddock 9 and the USS Enterprise. Both boldly going where no one has gone before. Both led by a cocksure captain. Both considered the flagship of the fleet. Both seemingly indestructable.

Of course, anyone who knows anything knows that there isn't just one USS Enterprise. In fact, the Enterprise has been destroyed nine times (nine...Paddock 9..coincidence? No such thing). The scariest part is that the original Enterprise was destroyed by...none other than Captain Kirk himself (spoilers for Star Trek III: The Search for Spock). Could this mean that Paddock 9 is doomed to be felled by its own leader, perhaps with an atrocious start/sit decision when the heat is hottest? Only time will tell.

## Matchup Recap

* Paddock 9 keeps perfection alive with a nailbiter win against the surging Duck Punchers (14-12). **Next Matchup: N/A**
* The Stupid Idiots keeps idioting his way to victories, willing himself to second place with a win over Papa's Posse (5-6). **Next Matchup: N/A**
* ma ma momma said splits the season series and moves up the standings with a narrow victory over Multiverse of Mattness (11-11). **Next Matchup: N/A**
* The Shotti Bunch leaves no evidence in an absolute blood bath murder of Pain Train (13-7). **Next Matchup: N/A**
* Sweet Dee saves her season, sweeps this matchup for the 2nd time in the last three seasons, and gets within a game of the 5-seed with a shocking win over RIPDab (7-11). **Next Matchup: N/A**

## Stat Chat

* Paddock 9 is the first team to start a season 8-0 in LOC history.
* Paddock 9 has logged an 8+ win season for just the second time in franchise history (2020, won Glory Bowl).
* Paddock 9 has scored more points in the first eight weeks of a season than any other team in history, but falls less than five tiny points short of becoming the first team to break 2,000 points within the first eight games of a year.
* Paddock 9 becomes the 7th team to reach 200 points in 100 combined games.
* Duck Punchers becomes the 8th team to reach 80 combined losses.
* Duck Punchers has lost by the narrowest margin of the week three times.
* Papa's Posse has already tied their loss total from last season (6).
* Pain Train, momma, RIPDab, and The Shotti Bunch all have 88 regular season wins.
* Despite being 4-4, three of Shotti's victories have been blowouts of the week.

## Longest Win Streaks of All-Time (by Team) - Updated

\*championship year

Updated 11/01/23

Sort of shitty that nobody can beat Pat and it's making me have to do all this extra chart work.

## Longest Winning Streaks to Start a Season by Team - Updated

And just like that, one of the longest standing records in the league has fallen.

Just how high can this thing go?

## Seasons with 8 or More Wins by Team

Updated Through week 8 2023

Seasons of 8 or more Wins by Each Team
 RIPDab
 The Shotti Bunch
 ma ma momma said
 Pain Train
 Mattness
 Papa's Posse
 Paddock 9
 Sweet Dee
 The Stupid Idiots

Well, it's the earliest I've ever had to break out this baby. As impressive a run as this is, it's just Paddock 9's second season with 8 or more wins. Duck Punchers has done this an insane 7 times, as has RIPDab. Both are still eligible to get to 8 wins again in 2023. If neither can do it, both momma and Shotti have a chance to tie them for the most such seasons of all time.

## Team Records By Month

How the fuck are two months of the fantasy season already gone? I know time goes faster the older you get but holy shit.

I know I say this every month but this chart is color-coded and easier to read on a computer, more difficult on a phone.

October was not kind to a few teams. After starting hot, Mattness went just 2-3 in October. That's the same record as Duck Punchers, who is in 8th place. Sweet Dee continued her trend of October being her worst month by winning just a single game at the tail end.

A few teams really excelled. Momma lost only one game (4-1) in October. Paddock 9, obviously, went 5-0. Shotti improved on a 1-2 start by going 3-2 in October, while Stupid Idiots slowed down a little but still managed a win every other week for a 3-2 October finish.

Because of the oddity of the schedule, the November records will comprise the final six games of the regular season this year. This is the month where RIPDab, Papa's Posse, Duck, and Pain Train all perform over .500, which would mean 4-2 or better if that trend continues. For Pain Train, it probably wont. For Papa and Duck, 4-2 probably won't even be enough.

## This Time Last Year... (2022 Week Seven Standings)

A perfectly symmetrical table last year. Not so much this year, with the top four teams accounting for 60% of the wins.

## Above and Below

A chart to track how many games above/below projections for each team.

Everyone stayed pretty consistent, to the point where I didn't need to move any team in the rankings here. That is typically a sign that the league is dictating over/unders this year, moreso than a manager.

In fact, if you feel like scoring has been way lower this year in general, you're not wrong. NFL scoring is at its worst pace since 2013, with winning NFL teams averaging just 27.7 PPG, while losing NFL teams are finishing at 15.7 PPG. Offenses are not clicking like they have in years past, which means your fantasy players are not going to hit their marks as often as you'd like. Unless you're Pat.

## Absolute Standings

Absolute Standings tracks the standings if the top five scoring teams won every week regardless of matchup.

### 2023

I don't want anybody to freak out but Shotti has quietly been top-five in scoring five of the first eight weeks.

## Trade Tracker

Starts (Paddock 9):

* 4

Starts (RIPDab)

* 5

Bad game for both players. Advantage: RIPDab.

## Power Rankings - Week 8

### 1(1). Paddock 9

Third in the league for points against, and the other two teams are 2-6. Despite being really, really good, Yahoo still has them at 12-2 to finish the season. Their first projected loss, which could be tough to avoid, will face them off against Shotti with no Kelce, Kupp, Hurts, Mostert, or Brown. Instead, it will be Sam Howell, Brian Robinson, Jonathan Mingo, Damien Pierce, and a TE to be named later. Their next projected loss is week 13 against ma ma momma said, when they have no Diggs, Gus Edwards, or TJ Hockenson. Can momma or Shotti, with a combined 6 championships, take down the undefeated Paddock?

### 2(2). Duck Punchers

This season feels like a punishment for Duck Punchers, except they didn't do anything wrong. Finishing in the Consolation Tournament with the second-best scoring total is like having the cleanest pile of dung at the shit show. At this point, everything needs to fall their way. If it does, it could end up being one of the best comeback stories in the league and it would certainly be the most improbably playoff run since 2011's Papa's Posse. I hope it happens for the story, but I hope it doesn't happen because this would be the most dangerous team in the quarterfinals.

### 3(3). Ma ma momma said

Was on the ropes with Patrick Mahomes nowhere to be found on Sunday, but a late garbage TD by Ja'Marr Chase and another by Hollywood Brown pushed them ahead for good. Momma's team might not be the most talented, but it is filled with players that teams absolutely need because they have nothing else. Derrick Henry? Yeah, passing game has been pretty bad so they need to lean on this dude and his breadstick hair. Tyler Lockett? Pretty sure he's 80 years old, but every team has an Edelman and this is Seattle's, so load him up with 20 targets a game. Kareem Hunt? Somehow still a thing, scored a TD this week. So, there is usage there, very stock markety for momma. And they lost their Patriots bet so I'm happy for them.

### 4(5). The Shotti Bunch

Like I already pointed out, this team is warming up. Last week they had four players score over 30 points: two RBs, a WR, and a TE. Alvin Kamara must have found the fountain of youth when he beat the shit out of that one dude, because he looks vintage Alvin the last few weeks. Breece Hall might be HIM. Tyreek Hill does Tyreek Hill things. It's a potent team, and likely the last big chance for Paddock 9 to be defeated in the regular season. With so much boom potential, you have to imagine they are a team RIPDab will not enjoy facing in the Festival of Champions.

### 5(4). Multiverse of Mattness

This week it was Waller. Last week it was Bijan. Week 6, Deebo. Week 5, Jefferson. Week 4, Deebo again. Each of the last five weeks, a key player has left a game (or in Bijan's case never entered the game) with a back-breaking injury for Mattness. No offense to Jaylen Waddle who actually did hurt his back, but manned the fuck up and got back in there. It's hard to win without consistently playing with a full starting lineup, but that's what has happened ever since the 3-win start to the season came to a crashing hault against The Stupid Idiots. Still in this thing, but the conclusion to their season is looking scarier than shirtless Danny Elfman...and that is terrifying.

### 6(6). The Stupid Idiots

This dumb bitch keeps winning despite having basically no player on their roster with a decent QB. I mean here is the list of some guys throwing to his players: Desmond Ridder and Tyler Heineke, throw a dart because who knows; Baker Mayfield; Tyrod Taylor and Danny Dimes, depending on who is the msot intact that week; Jordan Love, who turns out isn't the next Aaron Rodgers and is sort of more like the next Mac Jones which isn't ideal; and top it all off with some Zach Wilson. Diontae Johnson and Cole Kmet rode the pine this week, in case you want to mix in a little Kenny Pickett and Tyler Baguette.

### 7(8). Papa's Posse

Papa is sneaky in a similar boat to Duck Punchers. Not as powerful a team, but they have face an absolutely insane 1896.01 points against this year. That's a pace of 237 PPG, which ranks 2nd all-time. They have broken 180 in each of their last six games, but took a huge hit when they lost both Kirk Cousins and Kendrick Bourne for the season. In this time of need, they still have their trusted Adam Thielen, and Dalton Shultz AKA Modern Day Jason Witten. Turn to your friends, Papa. It's all we got in this world.

### 8(7). RIPDab

Jahmyr Gibbs did his absolute darnedest to make this one look good. If he had just hit his projection instead of scoring 49 points, RIPDab would have lost this game by 56 points. Chris Olave is in a self-proclaimed rut, which is a great mental state for your fantasy players to be in as you make a playoff push. Miles Sanders scored less than a point, and three other players failed to break 10. Jordan Addison has been the lone bright spot for this team, but he will have to survive a week with Justin Tove at QB. I'm going to be honest, I didn't look up the QBs name, but that sorta sounds right, no? **UPDATE: looked it up. Jaren Hall. The Browns guy is Clayton Tune. Combined, I came sorta close.**

### 9(9). Sweet Dee

SHE LIVES!!! Delivering a Halloween trick to her husband, Sweet Dee came back from the dead and got a huge third win. Now sure, they are without CMC and Aiyuk and facing Paddock 9 this week. That's not ideal. But they still have games left against Mattness, Pain Train, and Papa. If they can put up a few more games like this one against the other opponents (Idiots and momma), who says this team can't make a run? They're in a better position than Duck, so there you go. Fantasy.

### 10(10). Pain Train

At this point you can't really call it losing, because that would imply that there was a contest to be had. Pain Train's team is completely lifeless. They would have gotten smashed this week even if they'd kept Kelce and Moore, so really that can't even be blamed for the type of ass-whopping this guy took. Now the focus needs to turn to whether they can get a 2nd win. No team has ever finished with just a single win in the regular season, and that was during the 13-game era.

## Matchup of the Week: Hit Me With Your Best Shotti (Shotti vs. Idiots)

Only two of the five matchups this week are between teams in playoff positions, but this one packs a lot of drama. Idiots is in 2nd place, but is being outscored by Shotti, who is in 5th place. Both are coming off big get-right wins in week 8. Both are...without a kicker? That part is weird.

After being on the bench with three TD last week (not that it mattered), Shotti has decided to stick Hopkins back in his lineup. idiots obviously also believes in Tennessee, because he is rolling out their defense. But he also doesn't believe in Tennessee, because he's rolling out Dionte Johnson. Sidenote: Dionte needs to change his first name. It's hard to spell.

Sunday morning, get your coffee brewed early, because we have a monster matchup between Tyreek Hill (Shott) and Tua (Idiots) at 930am. Not since the fall of the Berlin wall have I been this excited for something to go down in Germany.

Sunday night, Idiots will have the stage all to himself. Tee Higgins and James Cook will look to gain and/or extend a lead for Idiots. It will be brutal for Shotti to watch, with an Idiots player on the field for nearly every play.

But Shotti will have one more go at it Monday night, as Breece Hall takes the field. Breece Hall is one of the most explosive players in football right now, but that comes with a price. If he doesn't make the big play, it could mean he has been bottled up for the night. Or it could mean that Idiots last player of the matchup, Garrett Wilson, is going off.

Tua vs. Hill.

Wilson vs. Hall.

Hopkins vs. Johnson.

What a game we have in store for us this week.

This will be their only regular season matchup in 2023 and they have never met in the Festival of Champions.

## Survivor Update - Week 8

Down goes Shotti! Down goes Nate! After being perfect the entire season, both go out after back-to-back bad picks. Nate got bitten by Atlanta vs. Tennessee, while Shotti was the victim of a shocker in Kansas City.

It's now just Pat vs. Commish remaining. As if we need Pat winning anything else this year.