Neil Campbell, Our Close Employee

**"Neil Campbell, Our Close Employee"** is the eighty-eighth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

The boys have a visitor fan from England and talk about smart British comedy with him. Then NEIL CAMPBELL joins the discussion to play clips from his new Tedd Talks podcast on WolfCool and share stories about his stepdad.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Hayes talking over the theme song: "So I'm in the studio with Afro Jack. And uh, he's like 'Listen to my new track, like, I've got some good samples for it'. ("Naturally") So, uh, yes. So he's playing it for me and uh I... the... you know there's this kind of background voices on the track ("Mm-hmm") and I'm like, 'Afro, this sounds like... this sounds like my mother and father ("Yeah") having a conversation' ("Mmm"). But they haven't been alive since recording technology existed. ("Existed. Yeah.") RIght? ("Yeah") Or back then it was like a brass can. You could, like, record stuff onto a brass can ("Mm-hmm"). He had found... ("the brass can?") He had found a brass can ("Yeah?") in uh, he's redoing his house and there was like a secret hole ("In the wall.") in the wall. ("Yeah.") Uh-huh. ("Well I was over because I was doing, like, when he found that can I remember I was um, helping him move the wall") Mm-hmm. ("uh, from the bottom part. And I did reach in and, uh, pull out a brass can and I did say, 'Let's listen to this'.") Okay. ("And I remember saying, 'This would be great for your new track'. And I thought it was interesting that what we heard was they were discussing you and whether you were naughty and you sort of learning to use the potty correctly. Um.") It's not nice. ("The what? The... the convo?") The subject of the conversation I was hoping, I haven't spoken to them in so long ("So long, yeah") I was hoping it would be something nicer then, uh, then what punishment to give me. ("Yes") For being naughty and... and not... ("Well, but to play devil's advocate from what I heard on the can") Mm-hmm ("it sounded like maybe you need a punishment because it sounded like your willfully ignoring the potty. Is that fair?") That does sound, I mean, I'm, you know. ("Good about it today.") I'm good now. Yeah. ("Yeah, So maybe what happened worked") Yeah, and this is always making me... ("And the punishments were pretty tame.") Mm-hmm. ("Take away your licorice.") Mm-hmm. ("Mm-hmm. Make you eat a whole thing of licorice, too much so you have a belly ache, you don't want it any more.") Mm-hmm ("Or put your licorice in the potty.") Deleting my game files. ("Oh yes! That was, that was extreme! And we don't do that stuff anymore. And I remember when I went to school the nuns would come over and delete your game files. We, you know, that's just how we were raised back then.") Which then was just trying to get the metal ball through a maze, into the hole on the other side ("Yes one of those 15 puzzles. Um and they would shake it up and you would start over. But, uh, I, I, I do, I do, yes, I do, I do relate to you being upset about that. BUUUUT that's all in the past.")"

### Guest Segment

#### Andrew Nye

* Conversation with Andrew Nye - who flew in from the UK. Topics range from Mr. Bean to Australia.

#### Neil Campbell

Tedd Talks podcast episodes and lessons (minimum of 7 lessons):

1. The Science of Love. You know it as hugging and kissing, but is it actually math as well?
	* Lesson 1: When you find a partner, it's pheromones. Same as butterflies.
	* Lesson 2: The first time you have love it's with your mommy.
	* Lesson 3: You only feel love at the moment your heart is beating. Between beats - hatred.
	* Lesson 4: Love is for ... between a man and a woman.
	* Lesson 5: It's not safe for land walkers to fall in love with the eels.
	* Lesson 6: It's okay to be hot for teacher. And you'll know it due to the physical sensation of feeling hot.
	* Lesson 7: Love is great, but sometimes chocolate... is being... as this is.... very nice.

* Soccer. *Lessons skipped due to Hayes being ejected from the Tedd Talk.*
* Does a watched pot never Boyle?
	+ Lesson 1: When you turn the knob it becomes fire on the top
	+ Lesson 2: You may be wondering if you downloaded this podcast why 'boil' was spelled like Peter Boyle's last name. The pot won't turn into Peter Boyle. The act of boyling.
	+ Lesson 3: Pot is also something that bad kids smoke.
	+ Lesson 4: B-O-I-L-I-N-G is becoming hot. B-O-Y-L-I-N-G is coming in with that great laugh-line and making the studio audience go cah-razy.
	+ Let's say you put a watch inside a pot. That's not going to change anything. Except, you're going to be wondering where your watch went. That's why lesson 5 is put a watch around the pot. Then you'll know how long it's taking.
	+ Lesson 6: What about watches, like, um a guy who's like, the night watch at a factory. And that's another kind
	+ Lesson 7: Let's say you just want to make some Pasta e Fagioli. Just call a restaurant - they'll do it for you.
* Eating pussy. It's a great way to make a girl cum and that can be important. I call it: "A slip of the tongue"
	+ Lesson 1: Memorize the alphabet before you go in there because it's going to come in handy.
	+ Lesson 2: The better you're doing the slipperier it gets.
	+ Lesson 3: Don't. Get. Scared.
	+ Lesson 4: If you do get scared, pretend that you saw a mouse.
	+ Lesson 5: If you aren't used to the taste of slime - go lick some so you can get used to it.
	+ Lesson 6: Let's bring back that mouse Hayes mentioned earlier. Is she cool with that?
	+ Lesson 7: A lot people don't realize that getting slimed on the old Nickelodeon shows was meant to replicate what happens if you do a good job with your eating pussy... that's how it should end.
* Kids. They're everywhere. What if you want one and don't have one? You can't just make one. You gotta go get one. And science can help ...
	+ Lesson 1: If you keep your mouth shut, I won't hurt you.
	+ Lesson 2: I talked to your mom and she's sick and she needs you... to come to her... with me.
	+ Lesson 3: Look, here's a form. Your parents signed it. It says you belong to me now.
	+ Lesson 4: Shhhhhh. Shutupshutupshutup. Look you can stay up late, whatever you want. You can eat candy for dinner. Anything, anything you want to do. Shutupshutupshutup.
	+ Lesson 6: Yes, that form is written on a Tootsie Roll Pop wrapper. I bet that Tootsie Roll Pop is uh, is somewhere inside the canoe
	+ Lesson 10: Here's a hair dye packet, I'll help you. You need to change your hair color.
	+ Lesson 55: That's not your name anymore.
* Sean's dad is Neil's step-dad.
	+ Neil lives in a tent with a lava lamp in the back yard, while Sean rocks really hard in the basement

## Recurring Jokes

* Hayes Plays a Song - Owl City "Fireflies"

## Ads

* The famous Quickbooks ad that got the boys in trouble because Sean kept talking about having sex with an accountant's kid. Quickbooks did not appreciate pedophilia being associated with their product.

## Episode Photos

Hayes Davenport *(left)*, Neil Campbell *(middle)*, Sean Clements *(right)*Neil Campbell in the studioHayes, Neil, and Sean in the studioAndrew Nye in the studio