It’s A Journal, Not A Diary (Part 1)

Notes

* Dialogue
	+ **Greg:** *text*
	+ **Rodrick:** *text*
	+ **Rowley:** *text*
	+ **Bryce Anderson:** *text*
	+ **Delinquent 1:** *text*
	+ **Delinquent 2:** *text*
	+ **Delinquent 3:** *text*
	+ **Delinquent 4:** *text*
* Narration
	+ *Greg Heffley*
	+ *Rowley Jefferson*
	+ *Rodrick Heffley*
	+ *Bryce Anderson*
	+ *Sarah Choo*

Sunday, August 30th, 2015

*Okay, first of all, let me get something straight: this is a fucking JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I TOLD her not to get me a book that said “diary” on it.*

*And guess what? **SHE BOUGHT A BOOK THAT HAD THE WORDS “DIARY” ON IT!***

*This just proves Mom doesn’t know anything about kids these days. If I walk into my first day of middle school carrying this book around, I might as well be wearing a sign on my ass that says “Kick me”!*

(cuts to a hypothetical bully kicking Greg around before shoving the book up Greg’s rectum)

**Hypothetical bully**: ***SISSY!***

*Anyways, I’m Greg Heffley, I’m gonna be an 6th grader at Westmore Middle School, I live in 12 Surrey Street, Plainview, Massachusetts, and school starts tomorrow. I’m the middle child in my family, I have a older brother named Rodrick (15 years old) who is attending Crossland High School as a sophomore, and a younger brother named Manny (4 years old).*

*Mom got me this thing so I could write down my feelings about starting middle school. But I'm gonna be fine. It’s my best friend, Rowley Jefferson, that I’m worried about. I don’t think he’s ready for middle school.*

*The only reason I agreed to write in this thing is because one day when I’m rich and famous, I’ll have better things to do than answer people’s stupid questions all day long, and this book is gonna come in handy.*

**Hypothetical Future Greg**: *Here’s my journal, now shoo, shoo.*

*Anyway, I think future generations will be glad I kept a record of this time in my life, but the truth is when they make a movie or a TV mini-series about me, they’ll probably just skip over the middle school and high school years and go right to the part where I become famous.*

*Because seriously, who the fuck is gonna want to see a movie about a 11 year old who’s stuck in some middle school in southern Massachusetts with a bunch of morons?*

(Greg puts his journal down inside his backpack, gets into bed and falls asleep)

Monday, August 31st, 2015

*Today didn’t start off really good.*

(3:20 A.M.)

(Rodrick Heffley walks inside Greg’s room and waits there for a few minutes. Three minutes later, he yanks the sheets off the bed, which wakes Greg up immediately)

**Greg:** *Rodrick! What the fuck!? I’m trying to sleep!*

**Rodrick:** *Greg, tomorrow’s the first day of school. I just checked your backpack, and it’s empty.*

*Rodrick woke me up at 3 fucking A.M. and reminded me that I forgot to put my stuff for school in my backpack. I immediately ran downstairs and spent 40 minutes trying to put my school stuff in my backpack, and let me tell you, doing that in the dark is a major pain in the ass!*

*It got worse when Dad came downstairs and saw me getting back up to my room and trying to go back to sleep. He called me down and lectured me for ten minutes about how I’m not supposed to wake up at 3 o’clock. I then walked up to my room and slept until 6:21. I then brushed my teeth, ate breakfast and then got my backpack on and was about to walk out of the house when Mom called my name.*

**Susan**: *Greg! Rodrick wants to talk to you about something!*

(Greg walks towards Rodrick, who’s in Frank’s room. Manny is eating a bowl of cereal and then proceeds to dump it in his portable toilet)

**Greg:** *Rodrick, what is it you want to talk to ne about?*

**Rodrick:** *Mom asked me to give you some advice about middle school. And it’s real simple.*

**Greg:** *Okay?*

**Rodrick:** *It’s a lot like prison. Be careful where you sit down in any of the classrooms. Don’t go to the second bathroom, there’s no stalls there. Be careful when choosing your locker, you might be near someone like Dennis Denard.* (Sigh) *Who am I kidding? I’m probably wasting my time, you’ll probably want to kill yourself, get expelled, or home-schooled by the end of the year, anyway.*

**Susan**: (far away) *Not helpful, Rodrick.*

**Rodrick:** *You’re right. he is probably going to get royally fucked up by the bullying.*

**Susan**: *I’m sure he’ll do great. He’ll probably be Most Popular in the yearbook.*

(Rodrick grabs his flyers, gets up to leave. He stops and turns around)

**Rodrick:** *Oh, and one more thing...watch out for the Cheese Touch.*

**Greg:** (confused) *The what?*

**Rodrick:** *When I was in 8th grade, somebody planted a slice of swiss cheese on the ground near the basketball hoop. Once the piece of cheese started getting moldy, nobody would go near the basketball hoop, even though the only other one was being used by the basketball team. One day, some kid named Darren Walsh touched the cheese, and decided to make some fucked-up version of “Cooties” and called it “The Cheese Touch”. Once you have the “Cheese Touch”, you’re stuck with it unless you touch somebody else, which means that you became an outcast. This went on for a year until one day, an 7th grader named Abe Hall got the Cheese Touch, and three weeks later, he took his own life because he couldn’t take any of the bullying and loneliness that came with the Cheese Touch. Nobody has touched the Cheese ever since.*

(Greg seems really shaken up, and quickly heads out for the bus. He sits down near the door, and the bus drives towards Westmore Middle School)

*I think Middle school is an terrible idea. You’ve got people like me and Chirag Gupta who haven’t hit their growth spurt yet who go to school with bullies who torment the fuck out of other students.*

(Greg walks inside the school and heads for his homeroom. While walking to his classroom, He notices Chirag Gupta about to be beat up by a group of bullies when Chirag punches one of them in the nuts, and the other three bullies run away)

*Seriously, What the fuck is up with these people?! Why do they bully other, smaller people? Were they abused by their parents? or were they born that way? The answer is a mystery that nobody really knows. The teachers dont do jack shit about this and let it happen and they hope it simply goes away.*

*And they wonder why bullying is such a massive problem here.*

*One of my goals this year is to be one of the most popular people in Westmore. But I know it’s gonna be extremely difficult because how complicated it is compared to elementary school. I know that because in 5th grade, if you were the fastest runner in the school, you were also the most popular, and the most popular kid in 5th grade was Ronnie McCoy.*

*Nowadays, it’s a lot more complicated. You have to be very good-looking, rich, or a mix of the two to be the most popular kid in the school. I’m sure Ronnie is scratching his and wondering “What the fuck happened?”.*

*The most popular kid in 6th grade is Bryce Anderson. Not only is he the most popular kid in that grade, he is also extremely arrogant. He has a few cronies who follow him, worship him and listen to every-fucking-thing he says.*

**Bryce Anderson:** *Hey, do you hear that high pitched noise?*

Bryce’s Goon 1: Yeah, I hear it too!

Bryce’s Goon 2: (holding his ears) Ow! OW!

(a few seconds pass)

**Bryce:** *I’m just kidding, there’s no high pitched noise.*

*They’re all loyal to him, no matter how much he berates them.*

*What really sucks is that I was always interested in girls (and boys) since 2nd grade, but people like Bryce only got interested in the past couple of years. I know how Bryce used to act towards any female during elementary school.*

(Greg walks in his homeroom and sits in one of the seats. Two 7th graders, Chris Hosey and Lionel James, respectively sit in the seats in front of and behind Greg)

(Another 7th grader, Jason Brill, walks into the room, and then Lionel tackles him to the ground and beat him up for twenty seconds until the teacher notices them, which ends up being sent down to the front office)

*While I was writing the previous sentence, Lionel James ran towards Jason Brill and beat him up. He got reported and got sent down to the principal’s office. The teacher started to explain what Social Studies is to the other students but ended up getting interrupted by that douchebag Bryce Anderson telling the whole class about his summer.*

*Bryce, you should wait for the teacher to finish lecturing the students next time.*

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