The Returncoming - Xenia: Priestess of Night

"*I think bellydancing isn't enough to keep us up for this.*"
—Mr. Lobo

### Secret message

"2-3-14-20-5 5-7-1-1-7-1 12-18-23-9-15, 6-8-8-16 14-5-8 11-17-18-26-8-1-15-8 15-14-1-7-17-24!"

An epic in the annals of *Cinema Insomnia*, and the intergalactic premiere of a true lost film!

### Wraps

**Wrap 1**

At last, the continuation of the saga begun way back in *War of the Planets*! Mr. Lobo has been kidnapped at gunpoint by John Stanley, Cosmonauti Prime, and Ro-Mana, and taken to the Planet of the Space Women to face the judgment of the Future Crimes Commission...in the future! Mr. Lobo stands in a crowded courtroom, restrained by a glowing hula-hoop, before an enormous, glass-domed brain that sounds a lot like John Stanley. After rendering his judgment that Mr. Lobo is one of the worst horror hosts who's ever existed, the brain ZAPS Mr. Lobo away, and us to the credits! Only this time there's no bouncy theme music, but instead an ominously somber *Twin Peaks* facsimile...

**Wrap 2**

We're returned to Earth in the present day, and a dazed Mr. Lobo being cared for by Ro-Mana in some kind of Earth-house. She informs Mr. Lobo that she found a copy (in the comic book shop from *The Lost Boys*) of an elusive film Mr. Lobo's always wanted to host: *Xenia: Priestess of Night*! Ro-Mana helpfully exposits that she's Mr. Lobo's assigned sidekick, and that he's been in a stupor ever since returning from his trial in the future. She goes on to explain that Mr. Lobo is the only one who knows anything about tonight's feature, as it's never been released on home video or streaming. The show must go on, though, and Ro-Mana bravely sallies forth into the unknown!

**Wrap 3**

The Phone Sketch. It cannot be described. It can only be experienced.

**Wrap 4**

John Stanley is trolling Mr. Lobo, pilgrim style! Ro-Mana's got Mr. Lobo's back, though. Even if she doesn't quite have the Insomniac's Oath down, and she's panicking just a little.

**Wrap 5**

John Stanley still screwing around! Don't we love him, folks? John Stanley!

**Wrap 6**

Action has shifted up to the Outer Space International Space Station, in space! Cosmonauti-74 is reporting the situation to her superior, Alan N. Smithee, president of OSI74. She says "cocoonski." (I think it's Russian.) Comrade Smithee confers with Ro-Mana about Mr. Lobo's condition, and, well, things get crazy enough to bring in an edition of John Stanley's Creature Features Movie Guide from the future. World-building, y'all!

**Wrap 7**

Ro-Mana has brought in a black curtain to simulate the Void and try to jog Mr. Lobo's memory, but he's eating it. Mr. Smithee instructs her to find a yellow rocking chair, Amish if necessary. Cosmonauti is playing knock-off Tetris. She seems to be doing well. And just when Miss Mittens thinks she's out, Mr. Smithee PULLS HER BACK IN!

**Wrap 8**

Cherished memories of his mentor Bob Wilkins appear to be stirring somewhere in the recesses of Mr. Lobo's mind, and Ro-Mana's description of *Xenia: Priestess of Night* as a "belly-dancing vampire movie" makes me wish I'd been paying closer attention. She finds a message written by Bob Twilkum, which arouses Mr. Lobo, in a non-sexual manner!

**Wrap 9**

Mr. Lobo, even in his stupor, manages to pull the wool back from the farce that is electric candles, providing incisive commentary on our current social mores. This seems to remind Mr. Lobo of Bob Wilkins again, and this time the memory is clearer!

**Wrap 10**

The memories of Bob keep coming, leading Mr. Lobo out of the fog! Then John Stanley calls to help by revealing that Mr. Lobo's balls weigh 16 pounds. Thanks, John!

**Wrap 11**

Back to the OSISS! Mr. Smithee has Miss Mittens on the horn and they're making plans to cut Lobo loose and replace him with a younger, hipper host. I don't speak sign language, but it seems like Cosmonauti's interested!

**Wrap 12**

John Stanley calling, and this time he actually has something warm, and genuine, and only a little insulting to say. And it jogs Mr. Lobo's memory at last! Well, that and violent electrocution. Lobo's back, baby! And he's dropping *Xenia: Priestess of Night* facts like [colorful metaphor to be inserted at a later date]!

**Wrap 13**

Mr. Lobo's complaining about the movie. Nature is healing.

**Wrap 14**

Tonight's lucky Reel 7 girl is...Countess Bloodsugar? And she's totally uncooperative! *Don't we love her, folks?* She explains that she's been on the show several times, but Mr. Lobo doesn't remember her. *Don't we love him, folks?* The Countess and Mr. Lobo lead us in the Insomniac's Oath, and then it's back to *Xenia: Priestess of Night!*

**Wrap 15**

Mr. Lobo introduces the segment, Trivia in Cinema! According to his notes, Hollywood legend Carol Channing was originally up for the role of Xenia, and wouldn't you know it, Carol's in town and agreed to stop by the set and beef with Barbra Streisand! And belly dance!

Hot stuff!

**Wrap 16**

Fully Lobotronic Insomniac Mail Sac! Mr. Lobo reads an "electronic letter" and explains the fascinating, tragic, confusing backstory of tonight's feature.

**Wrap 17**

The electronic mail sac continues, and Mr. Lobo explains that fans can reach him at mrlobo@cinemainsomnia.com with electronic mail!

**Wrap 18**

Ro-Mana's faith in the *Cinema Insomnia* credo is wavering, but Mr. Lobo knows what to do: FIND MISS MITTENS.

**Wrap 19**

Ro-Mana's back with Miss Mittens and things are back to normal (they're arguing, Mr. Lobo's trying to be sexy and getting shot down, normal). Miss Mittens is happy to see Mr. Lobo, alarming Mr. Lobo as to her level of drunkenness. He appoints Ro-Mana to sobering-up duty and throws to commercial.

**Wrap 20**

Mr. Lobo is still waiting for Miss Mittens to get herself together, but he's eager to get moving on the new season and reaffirms his mission statement. He gets it a little wrong but that's ok. He has *sixteen pound* balls!

**Wrap 21**

Mr. Lobo reminisces about Captain Cosmic (Bob Wilkins)'s robut sidekick 2T2, and outlines his history. Mr. Lobo's getting his groove back!

**Wrap 22**

Mr. Lobo's in a celebratory mood for his big comeback, and he's planned a big afterparty at Atlantis Fantasyworld in Santa Cruz, where they'll screen *The Lost Boys* alongside guest of honor, Wonder Robot 2T2! Ro-Mana points out that they can't, so it's back to the movie!

**Wrap 23**

Mr. Lobo wraps up the movie with his closing message, but then suddenly, a blinding flash is flashed! It's Cosmonauti-74 from the future, and she's brought John Stanley, and John Stanley has brought John Stanley's fists! Hang onto that cliff, folks!

### Ads

* "Rad" Abrams, Skate Board Attorney
* **Georgia** Japanese canned coffee (with *Twin Peaks!*)
* **Dr. Pepper** (with Dick Clark! *For hot Dr. Pepper!*)
* **Xena: Warrior Princess**
* **Georgia** Japanese canned coffee (with *Twin Peaks!* But different!)
* **Simoniz** car goop (starring the Two Stooges and Curly Joe Derita!)
* **Georgia** Japanese canned coffee (with *Twin Peaks!* Part 3!)
* **Dr. Pepper** (with slang!)
* **Georgia** Japanese canned coffee (with *Twin Peaks!* Doesn't even mention coffee!)
* California Chamber of Commerce PSA, "Arson burns everyone!"
* **Oscar Meyer** Select Slices ("Hello, Deli!" Starring Carol Channing!)
* **Twin Peaks Sheriff's Hotline** 900 number (we used to pay money to listen to brief, non-pornographic recordings on the phone, kids)
* **Warburtons** Crumpets, starring the Muppets

### Trailers

* *Bloodrayne* (2005)
* *Queen of the Damned* (2002)
* *Vampirella* (1996)
* *Watch Horror Films, Keep America Strong: A Journey Into Creature Features* (2008)
* *Lost Highway* (1997)
* *Vampire in Brooklyn* (1995)
* *The Straight Story* (1999)

### Shorts

* Unveiling of robot 2T2 at Atlantis Fantasyworld comic store

### Cast

* Mr. Lobo...Mr. Lobo
* Miss Mittens...Herself
* Cosmonauti-74...Jessie Seeherman
* Cosmonaughty Prime...Stephanie Hyden
* John Stanley...Himself
* Ro-Mana...Dixie Dellamorto
* Countess Bloodsugar...Jessie Seeherman
* Carol Channing...Roxanne Guarino
* AbbaKiss...Herself
* John Stanley's Stunt Double...Carl Dubbeling

### Quotes

"*Don't you remember who you are? You come out and introduce a really famous movie, like* The Lost Boys*, and I run out and hand you this turkey that no one has ever heard of!*"
—Ro-Mana
"*Mer Lobo, keep up the goop work.*"
—Bob Twilkum
"*Hello, Mr. Lobo, of Cinema Insomnia and all of that stuff, horror host blah blah? Hey, I've got a question for you: do you have sixteen pound balls?*"
—John Stanley
"*Sixteen pound balls.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Watch horror movies, keep the* universe *strong. Creature Features forever. They're not bad movies -- just misunderstood.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Mr. Lobo has inverted hipbones, and, uh, fallen arches, and a sideways bellybutton.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Y'know, John Stanley could always get belly dancers on the program.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Ro-Mana, run down to the local watering hole, actually it's a few blocks down that way. There you're gonna find Miss Mittens, alright? It's called The Bloody Cue Card. She's gonna be at the bar. Go up to her and tell her that we're getting the band back together. If that doesn't work, tell her we're on a mission from Bob.*"
—Mr. Lobo

### Trivia

* Dedicated in memory of Gary Tomsic
* Features additional *Twin Peaks*-inspired music -- Cinema Insomnia Returncoming Theme -- by Jamez Dahl.

* Ro-Mana's version of the Insomniac's Oath:
> *I, as an imitated member of the Sleepless Knights of Insomnia, do solemnly sweat to wash the movie, the whole movie, and nothing but the movie, or something like that?*
>
>

## Xenia: Priestess of Night

### Cast

Dana M. Reemes
Dennis Edwards
Herb A. Lightman
Sharie-Marie Jonsin
Matias Bombal
Timothy Gray
Dale Meador
Roberta Shepps
Haroun Taormina

*Xenia: Priestess of Night* has a very interesting pedigree...but you'll have to watch the episode to learn about it!

### Trivia

* The movie theater seen in the film, The Crest Theatre, is Mr. Lobo's own historic hometown movie theater in Sacramento, California.
* Lucy Lawless is not in it.

The movie titles on the film cans seen in the projection booth:

* *"Walking Death"*
* *"House of Varicose Veins"*
* *"Zulu Virgin"*
* *"Xenia, Priestess of Night"*

1. ↑ https://crestsacramento.com/