DPDA Case No. 47

## Case File

27th of July, 2001. It was a beautiful morning in sunny London. Cecil awoke from his portable caravan, and had his morning rum, followed by his morning XTC. ''Wake Up, Boo, it's a beautiful morning'' he sang in his angelic voice. Cecil was a happy man. He had just married his long-term girl-friend Cecilia, who had just birthed their child, Byron, a man of great ambition and a thirst for power.

Forty-two minutes later, the great Denzel Pepper arrived to Cecil's caravan with some Barry White records and weed. The two were planning on having a beautiful weed morning, with the puff. Cecil had just recently begun selling weed, unaware that the art of drug dealing is illegal in England. Denzel and Cecil played the first record - Barry White's Stone Gone. They danced and began smoking the puff. They discussed nature, trees, the war, and life for hours on end, a beautiful celebration of human life and friendship.

Suddenly, Cecil's brand new cell-phone (A Nokia 3310/3390) rang with the familiar and angelic tone. Cecil answered the phone. ''Ayo, the 1000 degree man here.'' (This was Cecil's new nickname after he was dubbed the hottest man on earth by Jebidiah Thornton). It was Cecil's uncle, Danvers Longstaff. He told Cecil that in his home-city, Ha Noi, there was a criminal man running wild, stealing the local people's bread and milk. They called him the dairy thief. Danvers told Cecil that last night, their bread was stolen. Cecil was furious. No one was to steal from the Longstaff family besides himself. He drank three gallons of water to sober himself, and ordered Denzel to do the same. He revved the engine of his mobile caravan, and drove it to the DPDA office. Luckily it was not a far drive, as they were parked just behind the block of offices that the DPDA Headquarters was located in.

Cecil stormed in to my (Benjamin Sellars) bedroom which was located in the storage closet of the DPDA HQ. ''Hey, guy, I need you to open up a new case file and buy five plane tickets to Vietnam.'' I got to work on doing as he asked, as he explained to me what was happening. Denzel was still high, and eventually fell asleep on the couch in the waiting room. We called up all our detectives and told them we'd be going to Vietnam. Unfortunately, only Jasper Scunthorpe and Derek Hobbs turned up, as Bernard and Tim were at a stag do in the Bahamas. Cecil suspected that the Dairy Thief of Ha Noi could be the twat we dealt with in DPDA Case No. 10, 9 years earlier, who ransacked Skipton Bread Factory, robbing the good people of Skipton of their bread and cheese, however I ruled this out by the fact that he died in 1997.

The next day, we boarded the plane to Vietnam. There was a sense of excitement in the air. Cecil promised that he'd take us to see his extended family, which we were very excited about as his uncle, Danvers, is a great baker, and even owned his own bakery in Ha Noi. The plane ride, was unusually calm for us. Denzel was once again asleep for most of the ride, whilst Derek read a book about plants and then a book about planets.

We arrived in Ha Noi, where we were welcomed by the Longstaff family. They hugged us and gave us food and drinks. They drove us in their BMW to their mansion that Cecil had bought for them with his drug money. Cecil was famous in great Ha Noi due to his immense success as Assistant Manager of Thornton Stationery Kensington & Chelsea Branch, and his recent dubbing as the Hottest Man Alive. The Longstaffs had prepared a delicious meal for us at their estate. Peas and Carrots and Potatoes and Soup. Derek devoured all his carrots and peas like a hungry vegan. After our feast, we got to work, interviewing the great Danvers Longstaff, and people of Ha Noi City about the Dairy Thief of Ha Noi. He was described as a bald man, about 5'6 in stature, not dissimilar to Mr. Hyde from the famous book ''The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. He was said to live in the mountainous hills of Ha Noi. We knew we were dealing with a true menace.

We made our way out into the cold streets of Ha Noi at night. We foolishly decided to split up to attract the dairy thief I went with Denzel, Cecil went by himself and Tim went with Derek. Cecil made his way up to the mountains in case the Dairy Thief was in his house, whilst the rest of us went into the city, holding Bread, milk, cheese and other such dairy items in case he was lurking in the city. Whilst Cecil was walking to the mountains, he encountered a gang of his mortal enemies. The arch-rivals of the Longstaff family, the . Cecil was stunned. These young hooligans pulled out a gun and hemmed Cecil up. They took Cecil's wealth, they took his rings and took his rolex. Cecil couldn't believe this was happening in his own town. Cecil released a loud cry. ''If I had wings, I would fly.'' said Cecil. The hooligans put the gun up to Cecil's head, and were about to shoot until they were stopped by two humble figures. Myself and Denzel. ''Stop.'' said Denzel in his chocolatey voice. ''Once I begin the secrets of combat, it will only lead to your demise.'' he continued. The thugs laughed at him, but Denzel was not deterred. ''Bring it, dawg.'' He lunged at them with a kick to the groin via his stunning three inch heels. He disarmed another one of the thugs and backflipped over another before throwing a pie which we bought from Ha Noi market to their face. Cecil beat his chest and ripped his shirt. ''NO ONE STOPS THE DPDA'' he screamed before releasing a mighty roar. Cecil and Denzel high-fived and we decided to stick together from thereon out. We phoned Tim and Derek and awaited for them to meet us where we were.

They arrived around 15 minutes later, and we made our way up the mountain. We ran into a bald man, who we suspected could be the Dairy Thief. We took him by the collar of his neck and slammed him against the wall. We could see that he was scared, on the verge of tears. We demanded to know his name and age, to which he complied. ''Martin Green! 33 years old!'' We knew we had the wrong man as soon as we heard his beautiful voice. A Sheffield accent. Cecil and Denzel looked ashamed that they could get a fellow Yorkshireman mistaken for a thief. We apologized profusely to humble Martin and gave him 20 pounds and an apple. He was grateful.

We continued our perilous treck upwards into the mountains, when we ran into a small settlement. The villagers were looking at us, with kind faces. We came upon a skinny man, with long hair, a goatee and glasses. Cecil trusted him, as he reminded him of Snoop Dogg. ''Ayo, listen up esse don't fuck with me though I have 20kg of weed, straight up bro. I need locations to sell. I'm expanding my legal business. Wanna help me kemosabe?'' The man was left awestruck.