Darth Oxidious

## INTRODUCTION

There was once a time when products weren't mass advertised as total shit. Nowadays, there are countless

cringy ads shoved in your face no matter where you go. Like who the fuck wants to buy some cheaply-

manufactured semifunctional parody product that was deeply ingrained into your subconscious by online

algorithms? Yeah, ain't nobody does, but people do anyway because they are slaves to the system.

Anyway, this article is dedicated to a true hero, and liberator of quality products, Billy Mays.

## EARLY LIFE

Born in the You-Knighted-States approximately 60 years before The Great Purge, Billy Mays was a cash-

sensitive individual who quickly mastered the art of the pitch. When Mays was only in his second year

of college, he was expelled for propagating the belief that crack could "turn [football players] into

superheroes."

*"Score down? Don't frown. One hit from this pipe, and your team gets the touchdown."*

Despite being expelled, most students and even the vast majority of the community supported Mays, and

would often show up to his residence just so that he could sell them something after pitching a randomly-

generated product or entity.

Mays soon fled to Florida where he would later meet his future apprentice, Vince Shlomi (Darth Offer).

## DARK LORD OF THE PITCH

*"Life's a pitch, then you buy"* - Billy Mays (Darth Oxidious)

On December 31st, 1999, while at a strip club with Anthony Sullivan, Mays noticed a troubled young man

who was short on $100 bills, and appeared as if he were about to leave the club.

Mays, who by now was a complete master of money, both through buying and selling, approached the young

man with a pitch -- a product known as Awesome Auger.

At first the young man was confused, but then became so captivated by Mays' words that he used his last $100 bill to purchase five Awesome Augers ($19.95 each).

*"Why waste $100 on one useless hoe when you can buy a real man's gardening tool, the Awesome Auger!"* - Mays

The young man quickly revealed himself to Mays as Vince, and talked about how he wanted to be like Mays --

to learn the ways of pitching and selling. Mays revealed himself as Darth Oxidious, and instructed Vince on

how to join him in his quest for unlimited dollars.

*"Did you ever hear the tragedy of Franklin the Frugal?"* - Oxidious to Shlomi

Oxidious then told Vince to let the cash flow through him, which he did, and then gave him instructions on

what his first mission was -- inject Mighty Putty into the locks of all doors to a Miami mansion, which

unbeknownst to Vince, was the house of a major pimp and drug trafficker.

It was the perfect time for such an act. During the night, Vince completed the task and was then declared

Darth Offer by Oxidious. Together, they would go on to eliminate many proclaimed "false pitchmen" and

accumulate millions of dollars.

## SHAMWOW!

\*\*\* PTFO (pissed the fuck off), Master Yobo confronts Darth Oxidious in his thrown room to stop him from

pitching products \*\*\*

*"If so rich you are, why pitch?"* - Master Yobo (You Only Buy Once) to Darth Oxidious

*"Darth Offer will become more persuasive than either of us! But wait, there's lore!"* - Oxidious to Yobo

\*\*\* Oxidious pitches many products to Yobo and explains their backstories, and Yobo uses his power, AKA

his knowledge of saving money and being frugal to refuse to buy them \*\*\*

\*\*\* ATST (at the same time), Darth Offer fights Oyvey-Nun Adobe in Masadafar to see who has the buy-ground, Oyvey-Nun gets the buy-ground, then buys a Samurai Shark from Offer and (slap)chops 75% of his limbs off, leaving his Hercules Hook Hand \*\*\*

*"You were the golem one! It was said that you would destroy the pitch, not use it! Bring balance to the*

*economy, not leave it in recession!"*

*"I hate the shit out of you!"*

*"You were my step-brother, Vince, I loved you... but I'm not gay or anything though, just sayin"*

\*\*\* GAYJEW MOMENT XD \*\*\*

## Rudy's Paradox [make on new page]

Rudy's Paradox is a hypothetical situation in which an arbitrary number of people of two or greater (*n >= 2*) are stranded on an island without any food source(s). The paradox states that in order to maximize duration of survival and have a greater potential of being rescued, the stranded individuals shall choose one person to eat, one at a time, starting from the largest person (based on weight) going down. It can be assumed that all lives are of equal value, thus removing any and all moral ambiguity.

This situation soon becomes paradoxical because not only will the people likely lie about their weight, but even so, the current largest person will most likely not volunteer as a person to be eaten (likely due to survival instinct). To seal the deal, the largest person is also typically most capable of feats to resist being subdued and killed.

In the year 4, aliens were bored after using up all of their galaxatives and space poppers, so they ran simulations on their cumquat computers to see what would happen if a plane with 10 people crashed on a deserted island with only some shelter and a drinking fountain (which was functional btw). The catch is, only 9 of the 10 people were average people -- one of them happened to be Andre the Giant.

At first, the aliens were hoping that Andre the Giant would savagely murder the other nine people and viciously tear them apart and eat them. But, to the aliens' surprise, Andre the Giant actually helped the other people to calm down and then they all worked together to take apart the shelter and used it to rebuild a boat, and they sailed to South Sentinel Island and lived happily ever after!

Upset that they got outsmarted by a human that was only part of their own simulations, the aliens started blaming each other for all kinds of shit, and then they eventually calmed down. The aliens realized that it was just a silly simulation, and that it therefore didn't mean anything. They all just concluded that IRL, people were not only inferior to them, but also evil and stuff, so they would surely kill each other because that's what they've been doing since the dong of time.

## *Smash for Cash* (TV Show) [new page]

*Smash for Cash* (1960-1961) was a popular program that ran for only a year due to a disaster that occured on set in an unreleased episode. Each episode featured a contestant who was a convict from a maximum security prison, and began with a brief interview of the convict and what they did to end up in prison. The convict would then be blindfolded and guided up on stage, where they would have exactly three chances to smash a random entity that was placed in front of them. If successful in their smash, the convict would be given $2,500 in bills of $100 denomination and then a chance to give a personal life lesson to the audience.

Only 24 episodes were aired to the public and the show was an instant hit. But, during the production of the 25th episode, *Ep. 25: Camelot*, the convict who appeared on the show was on stage and after he had missed his first swing, the audience shouted to him, "swing from over your head!" At this point, the convict, who remains anonymous, began to lift the sledgehammer above him when he heard a noise that sounded to him like a camel. And he was so sure of it, that he actually took his blindfold off just to see that there was a camel on stage.

Absolutely stunned by what was happening, the convict lowered the sledgehammer, and so one of the crew members walked over to explain to the convict that they had to reshoot, and it was at that moment that the convict raised the sledgehammer high, and smashed the crew member. In a 2002 interview with an audience member who was just a teenager at the time, the following was said:

*"And he just smashed the guy like it was nothing?"*

*"Yup. Uh-huh... flattened..."*

*"Like a pancake? To that degree?"*

*"More... I can't even describe it."*

*"So... Perhaps a hydraulic press?"*

*"I suppose."*

The audience screamed in horror, but the convict wasn't done just yet. Several crew members rushed over in an attempt to do something, but they were totally unprepared. The convict smashed two more of them, and just before another became victim to the sledge, a brave but foolish audience member tackled the convict on stage.

As the convict was tackled, a crew member made an attempt to grab the sledgehammer so no more damage could be done. But, little did he know, it wouldn't do anything.

The convict kicked the audience member off him, then kicked the crew member in the head by swinging his leg down and using his heel. The convict then yanked the unconscious crew member off the hammer and grabbed it.

At this point, most of the audience had left through the exits behind the rows of seats. But a few remained because they thought that this was all just part of the episode being a special episode because it was the 25th one.

The convict looked the audience member who tackled him in the eyes and said the following:

*"Boy, you've got big brass balls. But lemme tellya something. I'll bash your balls for free before I even think about crushin' a camel's. So dontchu ever fuckin' test me. And I don't give a fuck about no cash. Shove it up your ass, cause I'm cruisin' back to Alcatraz."*

The audience member had a panic attack thereafter, and took some Nembutal tablets that were given to him by a shaman from the sewer. He then realized that this show was funny, but it had gotten to a point where it was just pure insanity.

**TRIVIA:** A spinoff show was made and is still running every week on TV in some middle-eastern countries. The show is nearly identical to its inspiration, except every episode features a camel, but with a different type of hammer given to the episode's contestant.

## Hydropyroterrazine (HPT-17)

A chemist was like, super bored, so she had a cool idea to create a new chemical that combined the power of water, fire and earth. The chemist distilled some water, grabbed a box of matches, and then stole a chunk of Earth's core from her coworker's laboratory.

The chemist, whose name was Julia Huang, threw all of these components into a quantum-blender and then blound it all. Is blound a word? Hold on, let me check to see... NO! I don't mean blonde. Ugh. I guess it's not a word. You see, it's hard to be me because sometimes I have a little bit of that Dr. Seuss syndrome and I'm throwing out words that aren't real, but I feel like everyone does that sometimes... Anyway, blended is the right word, I believe, but I'm still going with "blound" because it's just one syllable, and feels right. Yeah. It feels like the right word.

When Huang looked into the pitcher of the blender, she was astonished -- there were perfectly-formed crystals that were of a beautiful color that resembled ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^keep typin'

## BREAKING NEWS [make on new page]

[**IMPORTANT:** This page is just a collection of references to raw, unfiltered news stories that anyone can post. Since 95% of all modern news is fake (most likely due to the Earth's entire land being >95% explored to date by hominids), 95% of all news here is REAL because that's how much of the ocean remains unexplored and/or uncharted. The other 5% isn't necessarily fake though; it just still remains unaccepted as the truth by the landlubbers and slarpists (on whom we spit)]

[keep each news story only TWO lines maximum, but you may link the article to a separate page and elaborate if you would like to do so]

* **SUNDAY, 11/20/2022** -- "Matchup of the Millenium," Chris Hansen & Chris Swanson VS Alien & Predator, Round 1 Begins

* **SATURDAY, 11/19/2022** -- Archaeologists Get Posthumously Trolled After Directions to "Temple of Riches" Turn Out to be Joke, Instead They Are Led to Edge of 1,600ft Cliff, "It was all just a fake language... They fuckin' got us bad"

* **THURSDAY, 11/17/2022** -- Fifth High School in America Experiences Anomalous Bathroom Flood After Doorstoppers Appear, More Janitors Expected to Resign
* **WEDNESDAY, 11/16/2022** -- Charity Magic Show Goes Horribly Wrong After Wyoming Magician "Luke the Duke" Disappears and Fails to Reappear, Search Ongoing Involving Government Physicists
* **TUESDAY, 11/15/2022** -- Five Years Since Lil Peep Dies, True Fans Still Listen, RIP (November 1st, 1996 - November 15th, 2017)
* **MONDAY, 11/14/2022** -- Two Arrested After Breaking Into Maine Zoo and Taunting Chimpanzees by "Laughing and Showing Their Teeth," Authorities Say It Was a "Unique Prank"

## Botched Experiment #0001: "The Immortal Gene"

*"Woah, dude, look! There's a shark!"*

*"What the -"*

*"Aw, look! There's like a spear stuck in it!"*

*"Wait... There's no way -"*

*"Awww dude, PETA is gonna have a fit!"*

*"JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHY DON'T YOU?! THAT'S A GREENLAND FUCKING SHARK, OKAY? Somniosus microcephalus... A species of shark known to live for up to 500 years. And that's clearly a viking spear stuck in it, you braindead buffoon! Why... Why am I always paired with some young imbecile who just thinks everything is a fucking joke?!"*

*"I'm sorry you hate your job, but hey, I hear they're hiring at The Dump."*

In 2015, two researchers were sailing in the Arctic Ocean off the west coast of Greenland when one of them noticed a Greenland shark with a viking spear lodged in its right side (later honeybun-dated to 1485 A.D.) .

Lead researcher James Eightball, being unsuccessful in every aspect of his insignificant life, knew that he had come across something beneficial the moment he calmed down and realized what he was presented with -- a rare specimen from which he could extract unseen DNA that could easily contain precious genetic code he would then study and use to extend his own life. By doing this, Eightball could even discover the steps needed to reach the very state of being immortal.

*"Hey, you dropped your iPad!"*

*"Oh really? Lemme just -"*

Shoved over the railing of the tugboat and into the freezing water by Eightball, assistant researcher Aaron Blaze was a goner. Eightball did the first of his many maniacal laughs to come, before thinking of something clever to say, but also equally hip.

*"Get shrekt, muh-nine! Easy-peasy!"*

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^keep cranking creative content, kid ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ lil spoiler: Eightball gets fucked stick'n'balls-style ochi xD he doesn't reach cloud nine let's just say. My [REDACTED] u goin to ground zero, ho!

\*\*\* Feel free to post more botched experiments. Don't feel bad about it, because lots of experiments get botched. It's only natural to botch experiments or even anything in life! That's how we, as Hetero sapiens, learn from our mistakes. \*\*\*

## Inspirational Quotes

*"The journey of a thousand nautical miles begins with a single splash"* - Anonymous; also a common seafarer saying

*"Gayliens? Of course they're jealous. The oceans are still more uncharted than space, despite being explored for eons longer and also having a finite volume. And gayliens are also probably jealous because they have increased their daldo tolerance over the recent years and are now basically desensitized to some of the largest objects in the universe, but worst of all is they all have AIDS -- Acquired Interstellar Diameter Stretching"* - Uncle Slam (2005)

*"I'm neva gon stop, I can't stop"* - lil cyrene