Cold Ramen: S01E14

Mr. Clocker is the fourteenth episode of Cold Ramen. The episode is about a serial killer wreaking havoc on a city.

Mr. Clocker wreaks havoc on a city while pursued by an unlike law enforcement duo.

## The Episode

(it is a dark night in the city. a prostitute is standing on a corner talking with another prostitute)

so then he came back and pulled it out and i was like 'there is no way that things is going inside me'!

damn right girl some of these men are crazy! what happened next?

then the doctor put away his syringe. i already got hepatitis a, im not afraid of b or c! and speaking of BCs...

(a john pulls up next to the girls)

Hey, you're not one of those prostitutes whose got a penis, right?

no way, baby! im the real--

(the man immediately speeds off)

FUCK YOU TOO THEN WEIRDO! seriously girl, what's happened to this business? now its full of freaks like that!

(another man pulls up next to the girl)

Hey, sexy, you're looking full of life and very ambulatory tonight! Trying to have some fun?

what do you have in mind, handsome?

Oh, I don't know...take you to my place, tie you up, carve you into itty bitty pieces and play jigsaw with your limbs!

(the girls look at each other)

fine, but that kinky shit costs extra. im still cleaning shit off my chest after that saudi prince pulled a dubai porta potty

(the girl gets in the car and they drive off to a motel. the man goes to the bathroom while the prostitute gets ready)

alright its $200 a go, and dont give me that 'i needed to warmup' shit, you spray you pay!

Look at her...so carefree...so unready for what she's gotten herself into...

huh?

What? Oh yeah, here's your money. I'd add a tip, but I'm about to give it to you...

(after he pays, the man ties the prostitute up to the corners of the bed)

And now the fun can begin! Just like I promised, I'm going to carve you up!

w-whatre you talking about?

I don't want your body, I want your SOUL! And that soul of yours is deep within your insides, which requires a very special tool!

(as the man searches through his duffel bag, the woman starts to scream)

Scream all you want, they'll think I'm giving you the time of your life, which I am! What better way to die than for my pleasure? Now where is it...

(the man continues to search through his duffel bag for a long time. soon even the prostitute isnt screaming anymore)

God FUCKING DAMMIT, WHERE THE FUCK IS IT? WHERES MY KNIFE? WHERE IS MY CEREMONIAL KNIFE THAT I WILL USE TO REND THIS PIGGIES SOUL FROM HER BODY? DONT TELL ME I LEFT IT AT HOME AGAIN?! AAAAAAAH I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE HAD FISH INSTEAD OF STEAK! ITS ALWAYS SO HARD TO CUT THROUGH THAT MEAT, EVEN WHEN I CUT WITH THE GRAIN!! NOW I CANT KILL ANYBODY!

(the man packs his bag up and heads out the door, still leaving the woman tied up)

CLOCKER YOU STUPID STUPID IDIOT!

(the door closes and the woman struggles in her bonds)

hello? can someone help me?

...

(it is now morning. at the city police station, a police chief is doing roll call with the station)

And that is why you look both ways before crossing the street. That way, it's easier to notice jaywalkers and give them a beatdown!

chief rollins we're not allowed to do that anymore

I know, Wattson! DAMMIT IM JUST FRUSTRATED! CRIME IS AT AN ALL-TIME LOW IN THE CITY AND THERES NO ONE TO GO HARD ON! I HAD TO SHUT DOWN A KIDS LEMONADE STAND JUST TO KEEP MY EDGE! Speaking of, if anyone knows a good public defender, let me know! The kid scrapped his knee and I've got a civil lawsuit on my hands.

(a cop stumbles into the meeting room, wearing a pair of sunglasses)

Ringo, you're late! You better have a damn good explaination...

Sorry I'm late, sir! I was taking care of my mom!

(a detective points him out)

Nice try, Ringo. I saw you at Irwin's last night, chugging down tequila!

Who do you think was helping me hold the bottle?

We're talking after this meeting! Anyways, we have a special guest here at the precinct. Hailing from the FBI, Nathan Robinson has come to join us. He is a decorated agent who has been involved in countless busts and successful cases. So let's give him a warm welcome!

(the cops clap as a man in a suit enters the room)

Of couse, he's also a federal officer, so be sure to give him a warm welcome.

Looking forward to helping out the good people of this fair--

Yeah yeah, sit down ya bum! You all know your assignments and routes, so let's get cracking!

(everyone gets up and heads out to their duties)

Hold on, Ringo. I'm assigning you to work with our special friend here.

(Both Ringo and Nathan are shocked)

Wait, what?! I gotta work with the government stooge?!

Sir, respectfully, I was brought here in an administrative position, not to drive around with the beat cops! Especially not one who smells like cheap spirits.

Ringo, this is payback for coming in late for the fifth time in a row! And as for you, the stupid FBI didn't let me join their stupid club, so this is payback! All I wanted was to be Special Agent Rollins...

(Ringo and Nathan walk out of the precinct and walk towards Ringo's squad car)

Alright, I know you FBI chumps \*burp\* just push pencils and stuff, but I need you to have my back.

One, I'm a federal agent, I have more combat experience in my pinky than in your whole body. Second, I won't be caught dead in your car. We're taking my ride.

(nathan points out a fancy sports car and walks over to it)

Hey, who peed all over my ride?!

...

(the duo is patrolling around. nathan yawns)

Does anything go on around here?

Nope, which is what makes this job fun! Less crime, less of a burden!

Don't ask for a lighter load, ask for stronger shoulders.

Is this what our relationship's gonna be? You spouting off quotes and me calling you a nerd?

Doesn't have to be, rookie. You could learn something if you just listened. I've read your file.

Oh, you've read the file huh? About allll that stuff I did? How I accidentally drove a police car into a donut shop? How I can only read at a fifth grade level? How I'm testosterone deficit and can't even grow a mustache?!

...I was going to say how you performed well in the academy...You take testosterone pills?

(the duo stop in front of a motel, where police are on the scene. nathan gets out of the car and walks to an officer.)

What's going on here?

(the officer laughs when he sees nathan)

Hey, Robinson, how'd you like the warm welcome?

That was you?! What the hell do you eat to make your pee smell like that?!

Lots of asparagus! Anyways, some prostitute was found tied up, we're talking some uh, Grey's Anatomy stuff.

I think you mean the book Fifty Shades of Grey.

Wow, a fed and a book nerd!

(Ringo and Nathan go to the room where it happened, where the prostitute is being questioned.)

and thats why its called a blue waffle!

I'll never get that time back....

Hey, can we get some time alone with the witness?

Please, I need to wash my ears...

oh great, more cops! i already explained how this weird guy tied me up, tried to kill me, then leave!

Not this guy again...

Repeat offender, Ringo?

No, he's this guy who keeps trying to murder people, but always does a crappy job. He couldn't kill a fly!

And you said nothing happens around here. Alright, ma'am, we need some more information. Looks, smell, penis length, everything.

Woah woah woah, you wanna try and catch this guy? He's like our city mascot!

He's a violent criminal and he needs to be locked up!

(Nathan picks up one of the ropes tied to the bed)

Jojo's Sex Emporium?

its where you go to get your sex on! they have everything there, from ass chaps to zucchinis!

Alright, let's get over there. Maybe the cashier knows who did it.

...

(ringo and nathan are at the emporium, where the cashier is licking a penis lollipop)

heyyy boos, welcome to my shop! what can i do for you?

Nate Robinson, FBI. I'm here to ask you some questions.

(jojos eyes open wide)

Not about you personally. A person of interest may have been shopped here recently. Do you remember selling someone bondage ropes recently?

cant say, maybe if you bought something it would jog my memory...

(ringo looks around the counter and takes a dildo pen and some gummies)

that'll be $5, boo

Five dollar?! What kind of...fine, here.

thank you! yeah, this guy walked in, balding, chubby, wears office shirts, the type of guy who would have sex with your wife while you watch. Came in yesterday. Monolouged a lot.

Hm, good to know. I think I know how to nab this guy. But we're gonna need to buy some more gear...

...

(later that night, ringo is standing on the street corner, wearing makeup and a dress. he reaches into his purse for a walkie talkie)

Ringo, are you in position?

Yeah, but I still don't get why I'm in freakin' drag?! Couldn't we just get that call girl to do this?

Yeah, but then I wouldn't get to make you dress up like a girl! And you have to admit, your lack of body hair is perfect!

Eat shit, fed boy.

Remember, this guy doesn't beat around the bush when you ask what he wants to do!

(a car drives up)

Hey sexy, you wanna get your guts rearranged?

Yeah, sur--I mean, yeah baby!

(Ringo gets in and they drive to a motel. Ringo sits on the bed)

So, how're you gonna do it to me?

Well first, I'm gonna grab my ropes, then we're gonna get tied up and start getting freaky!

Yeah that sounds cool and all but YOU'RE UNDER ARREST, DIRTBAG!

(ringo gets up and pulls a pistol from inside his dress)

Wait WHAT?! What did I do?!

We know what you're up to, man! You were gonna tie me up and kill me!

What?! No, you were going to tie ME up and fuck me in the ass!

(the walkie talkie goes off)

Ringo what the fuck did you get yourself into?!

I thought it was our man, then I tried to arrest him, then he wanted me to fuck him in the ass.

(commotion can be heard outside the room)

OH SHIT THE COPS ARE HERE!

Ringo get outside, our man is on the move!

Don't leave me, we can still make this work!

(ringo rushes out the door and sees a man fleeing his room. a naked woman comes out of it)

GET BACK HERE YOU CHEAP ASS BITCH! THIS IS MONOPOLY MONEY!

(ringo chases clocker, but cant catch up because of his high heels. just as hes about to get into his car, nathan tackles him to the ground. Ringo walks over)

Aw come on, now you're stealing my thunder! That arrest was mine and you know it!

My mistake...Ms. Ringo.

Kiss my ass! Let's cuff this fool and go get me some real clothes!

...

(later, cops are on the scene again, guiding a handcuffed Mr.Clocker into a squad car)

I didn't do anything! You're really gonna believe the words of some puta?! I'm innocent I tell you!

(ringo and nathan stand on the sidelines)

Nice undercover work, rookie. Keep that up and you'll rise up the ranks!

(the man who propositioned ringo walks by)

Hey, man, if you're ever looking for some extra cash, call me! I want you to tear me apart with that--

Man, get the fuck outta here before we arrest you too!

(he scurries off and the duo laughs. nathan then pauses)

...Ringo...while we were booking this guy...did you happen to...y'know...

(ringo's jaw drops)

Ah shit...

To Be Continued...