Sonic the Hedgehog 2006

"*I think, really, what the root of it is, is that we are dealing with an obstacle that alters your controls in a game where the controls are already inadequate. Um, if the controls were tight and this was really the first thing in the game that says 'Haha, I am messing with your controls', they'd be, perhaps, frustrating, but, uh, but maybe bearable, you know. But the fact that we — for the whole game, it has been an uphill battle against the extremely — I don't know, would you call them floaty, or loose, or just wacky, or just, maybe,* bad *controls, just flat-out. I mean, it's that you do not feel that, in this game, you are in complete control of your character, at any point in time. [...] So, so basically it is presenting to you a challenge that you do not really have the tools to defeat. To defeat a control-based challenge, you must have* controls*. And you don't. So, I say, uh, no contest. This — I am not saying it is impossible, it is certainly possible, what I am saying is that from a...from an adversarial game designer v. game player scenario, um, this is the case at which the game player says 'This is bullshit, this is unfair, I am not — I am taking my ball and going home.' [...] Uh, lots of really unreasonable things have been going on in this game. In so many other games where I can just suspend my disbelief and be like 'Okay, something wacky is happening. Well, okay, that's fine, I'm playing a video game, this isn't real life.' But what do you say to a game that...breaks the rules of video games? [...] I-I mean, like, control-based goofiness works in a game such as...uh,* Mario Galaxy*, because controls in it, uh, were much more manageable.* Mario Galaxy *did not have a perfect camera, but it had a pretty good camera, and it, you know, maybe didn't have perfect controls, but it had pretty good controls, so when the game says to me 'Alright, here is a clever challenge involving things that may temporarily* alter *the way you control your character', I say 'Okay, that's fair, I'll give it a shot.' And I might not get it my first try, I might not get it my tenth try, but at no point do I feel like I have been asked to do something that is simply unreasonable. **This game** is unreasonable.*"
— Medibot
***Sonic the Hedgehog 2006*** is a video game allegedly made by Sega but secretly created by Megahard Incorporated. Xykeb Zraliv and Minish find the game mediocre; however, both agree that the Mach Speed sections are terrible.

## Gameplay

"*It's no use!*"
— Silver
The game presents nine different characters to play as, three for each of the three stories. Sonic's gameplay consists of running around avoiding killer whales and breakdancing, while Tails throws dummy rings and Knuckles turns on lights. Silver's gameplay includes throwing boxes at giant worms, while Blaze does ballet and Amy does literally nothing to help. Shadow's gameplay is actually quite good, but is marred down by vehicles that can be rendered impossible to control by flipping them upside-down, upon which they explode for no readily apparent reason. Rouge's gameplay, meanwhile, consists of rock-climbing, while Omega actually functions like a normal video game character and attacks enemies.

Jim and Harry additionally planned on creating a separate segment of the game with Elise as a playable character for no reason other than that "the players would love it". In these sections, Elise would run through gigantic trap-filled levels arbitrarily slowly while having to use six different types of force fields activated through ridiculously convoluted button combos the entire level, despite the force fields needing to recharge many times. At these points, Elise would have to quickly jump on top of very thin poles sticking out of various traps in the ground and let it recharge. Dying once in Elise gameplay would make the player have to restart the entire level. The gameplay would have made it in; however, Samantha saw it and almost killed herself after playing it, and quickly had it removed for the sake of the player's sanity.

## Setting

"*You know what the old Sonic games were lacking? Fountains.*"
— Jim
The game takes place in the city of Soleanna, where a monarchy is present despite it being a clearly urban city. While Princess Elise is the alleged ruler, the city appears to actually be ruled by Lord Regis, with Elise as a figurehead. Soleanna is surrounded by the ocean, but is also closely connected to a desert, a snowy mountain, and a tropical jungle.

Several hundred years in the future, the world has become a fiery hell filled with lizards, worms, and birds. This is apparently due to the awakening of Iblis, a mutant born from the cultivation of a horrible disease. This is the world that Silver and Blaze live in, despite Blaze being clearly established in Sonic Rush as being from an alternate dimension. The two also appear to be the only ones alive in this world, meaning they pretty much have nothing to fight for.

## Plot summary

"*Absolutely! Assuming you think pretending to fuck animals is being socially well-adjusted.*"
— Diabetus
As the game begins, Princess Elise is stricken with a life-threatening disease which turns the victim's legs orange. Dr. Eggman, wishing to study Elise and her disease, attempts to capture the princess. However, Sonic foils this plan, rescuing Elise and easily running over Dr. Eggman's quicksand traps. However, Sonic is attacked by Silver, who has traveled back in time, believing Sonic to be the "Iblis Trigger", the one that pulls the trigger of the Iblis Gun that releases Iblis. As a result, Elise is captured again, and Sonic is forced to go after her. Meanwhile, Shadow meets with Rouge, who has obtained the Scepter of Darkness, a children's toy that she thought was "radical". However, the Scepter of Darkness breaks, revealing its true nature as the vessel for the soul of a sentient smoke cloud called Mephiles. Mephiles takes the form of Shadow's shadow (get it?), then transports Shadow and Rouge to the future.

Sonic, along with Tails and Knuckles, finds Eggman, but they accidentally walk into a time machine and are transported in the same future as Shadow and Rouge, completely coincidentally. They there find out that Mephiles was the one that told Silver that Sonic was the Iblis Trigger, apparently because he thought it would a really funny prank. By not working together and going through the same areas without even helping each other, Sonic and Shadow manage to find two Chaos Emeralds, and are thereby able to create a time rift and go back in time. Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Rouge choose to do this, while Shadow decides that an apocalyptic future is his style and strikes up a friendship with Mephiles. Rouge, realizing that Shadow did not come back with her, convinces Omega to wait around for a couple hundred years for the world to be destroyed so he can bring Shadow back. He does so, and Shadow reluctantly goes back with him.

Meanwhile, Sonic heads after Elise again, but is interrupted yet again by Silver. However, Shadow defends Sonic, and then fights with Silver. Despite being thrown around by Silver the entire battle, Shadow eventually decides to use Chaos Control and easily defeats Silver. Silver then proves that he can use Chaos Control as well, and the two team up so they can learn the truth of the apparent incident ten years ago which was never mentioned before. Upon getting to the past, it is revealed that Iblis and Mephiles are two halves of a whole, called Solaris. Silver goes after Iblis while Shadow goes after Mephiles, and they are sealed in Elise and the Scepter of Darkness (which Shadow finds in a cereal box in the past), respectively. They return to the future, and Silver goes to aid Sonic in rescuing Elise.

Sonic, meanwhile, is forced to participate in the Trials of Knowledge, Courage, and Love. The Trial of Knowledge tests his knowledge of basic probability, due to the fact that it is entirely luck-based. The Trial of Courage tests the player's courage to continue the game, and the Trial of Love tests Sonic's love for portals. Silver is forced to go through a similar set of Trials, called the Trials of Friendship, Memory, and Heart. The Trial of Friendship forces the player to decide whether playing the game or spending time with their friends is more important, while the Trial of Memory asks the player to remember that the game actually had a plot. The Trial of Heart requires the player to put their heart and soul into the game, as without doing so they will clearly just give up.

Upon making it through these trials, Sonic and Silver fail and Elise dies. However, the developers decided that this was too depressing an ending and retcon it so Sonic saves Elise. Silver and Blaze, meanwhile, go back to the future (but not before hooking up Silver's ancestors, Georgia and Laurence McWasp) to defeat Iblis. They manage to do so, but Blaze is forced to seal Iblis inside herself, who gives her AIDS and kills her. Shadow, Rouge, and Omega attack Mephiles but they ultimately fail and run away after the battle is over.

Mephiles then kills Sonic and the fandom rejoiced. Elise later dies from her terminal leg disease, releasing Iblis and allowing Mephiles and Iblis to reform. Unfortunately, the rest of the characters band together to bring the Sonic and Elise back to life, destroying the villain in the process. Elise and Sonic have sex, but Elise is so disappointed with the sex that she wishes that she had never met Sonic, a wish that is later granted by the Soleanna god of Deus Ex Machinas. In the end, Sonic and Elise never meet, Shadow finds the Scepter of Darkness toy he so wanted, and Silver is never born because his ancestors never marry.

The game ends on a cliffhanger as Lord Regis pulls the Iblis Gun out of a secret compartment in his top hat.

## Development

"*Attention game designers: FUCK! SHIT! CUNTWAGGLE!!! Love, Medibot.*"
— Medibot
*Sonic the Hedgehog 2006* was created by a skeleton crew of Jim, Harry, Tracy, Samantha, and Leo. Harry programmed the game, while Jim directed Sonic's story, Leo directed Silver story, and Samantha directed Shadow's story. Tracy was not originally signed onto the project, but secretly developed an alternate ending that eventually made its way into the actual game (the game originally had a Downer Ending in which Sonic and Elise remain dead and Solaris rules the world).

## Music

"*All of it was me. I am Soleanna's Composer.*"
— Harry
Samantha composed the theme of the game, His World, which was praised as being the only worthwhile track in the game. The rest of the soundtrack was produced by Harry, who honestly thought it was a good idea.

## Reception

"*Such crap.*"
— Kung-Fu Jesus
Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 got several five-star reviews on Amazon and is therefore a perfect product in every way. Some people criticize the story, camera, finicky controls, and loading times, but that is total bullshit.