Yuletide Kombat Family 3: GREEK GOD EDITION

*Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…yeah, an open fire tended to by HESTIA!*

*That’s right, the third ever episode of Yuletide Kombat Family is Greek Mythology themed! Listen to Ali Fisher, Carly Monardo, Christopher Hastings, and Joe Lepore fight gods and gift givers alike in this classic holiday game invented and GM’d by Tim Platt. Edited and sound designed by Tim Platt featuring music from Steve Desiena! A Bucket of Milk Production! Happy Halloween everybody!*

*Yuletide Kombat Family is a holiday fighting game where seasonal opponents fight each other. If you want to play it, go ahead.*

## Cast

* Ali Fisher as Ares and Xena
* Carly Monardo as Artemis and Cat Woman
* Joe Lapore as The Rat King and Zeus
* Chris Hastings as The Three Wise Men and Cronus
* Branson Reese guest starring as Frosty the Snowman made out of Narcissus' frozen reflection

## Summary

Tim narrates the origin of the episode. After God got famous, The Word (who was also there in the beginning) is happy for God but feels jealous. They go to Hell, where Christmas cheer once escaped from, to meet with old friends from ancient Greece. Once The Word convinces Narcissus to stop talking about fucking himself, Narcissus suggests bringing the Greek myths into the Yuletide Kombat games. It would allow the other myths to walk the earth, take focus off Christmas, and give Narcissus some privacy to fuck himself. The Word brings it up to the committee and they agree. The game will also, for some reason, involve a dating game at the end.

The first fight is between Xena from her holiday special and Cat Woman (since Batman Returns took place on Christmas) in front of a Christmas tree and a fire tended by Hestia, goddess of the hearth. The two fight and flirt while decorating a tree, and when they start to hit it off, a python emerges from the presents under the tree. Artemis and Ares emerge to do battle next, trading blows before Artemis’ hunting dogs tear him to pieces down to his adamantium skeleton. Cat Woman and Xena continue to make out, causing Artemis to explode as the goddess of chastity.

The second fight pits The Rat King from The Nutcracker against The Three Wise Men at Daedalus’ workshop. The Wise Men use a slot machine that summons franken…stein!? Rat King uses his charisma to convince Frankenstein that they’re more alike than he realizes, turning him against the magi. They harness their magical powers to shoot lightning, destroying Frankenstein before being swarmed by Rat King’s rats. Icarus loudly nags his father into lending him wings to fend off the rats, insisting he’ll remember his father’s warnings. The drained fighters swap out and are replaced by Zeus and the titan Cronus. Cronus immediately devours his son, but Zeus uses his old trick of forcing him to vomit up himself and his siblings. Zeus’ shapeshifting and lightning bolts whittle down Cronus until he falls from the sky, shattering into bits and creating rain with his blood. Zeus receives a text asking them to gather around for the recoupling ceremony.

The fighters are called around the coliseum to declare their newest dates for the competition, with several other contestants gathered around. Zeus chooses to try going out with the sugar plum fairy while Cat Woman and Xena agree to stay together. Cronus decides to date Jesus, as another sacrificial figure with father issues.

Only Narcissus remains, who wishes to date himself. This is denied, and as he weeps over his reflection in a puddle, snow begins to fall. It freezes the water, gradually turning it into a snowman made out of his reflective puddle. Narcissus chooses to date Frosty as the closest thing to fucking himself.

## Trivia

* In the post-credits of the episode, there are several takes of Branson Reese reading his line as Frosty the Snowman.

## Links

* Episode: https://art19.com/shows/rude-tales-of-magic/episodes/dc10efee-f35a-42ae-a58b-bc77b8b29cba