Fake TPOT 47b: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner/part 1

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
*Information about the episode to which this segment belongs can be found at "**Pencil? Two? Oh.**".*

"**Guess Who's Coming to Dinner**" is the second segment of the forty-seventh episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 13 October 1989. Since TPOT 2 has already been released, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon. A couple of titles were proposed for this episode before they were rejected: "**There's No One Quite Like Grandkids**" (sorry, St Winifred's School Choir), "**The Grandkids Are All Right**" (sorry, Who), "**The Dinner Party**" (sorry, Mary Tyler Moore) and "**Eight Adults, Seven Kids and a Baby (And That's Not All)**" (sorry, Steve Goo-tenberg).

This is also the second-to-last episode of *Fake TPOT*.

Author's note: Wow, this episode not only has a B-plot, but a C-plot and a D-plot too. Add that to the number of characters in the episode and you get a bunch of chaos. I can only hope it turns out to be the opposite in the end.

Previous episode: "And Your Name Is..."

## Cold open, *21 August 1989*

### **Living room** – Morning

**Scene**Morning: the beginning of the last week where the kids don't have to go to school. **Pencil** and **Pen**'s flat is full of boxes, most of which the **kids** have opened, their motley contents scattered on the floor.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Ooh, what's this?

[*Ita takes out a large book with a big "1959" on the cover and hands it to Pencil for inspection.*]

* **P****en**: Nice, you found my high school yearbook!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Your what?
* **P****en**: This book is the best, Ita. It's full of all the cool stuff we did when we were your age!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Do other schools do that?
* **P****en**: I haven't seen this baby since I left home, by golly. [*hugs it*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ooh, let me look inside!
* **P****en**: Okay, but whatever you do, don't turn to page 52.

[*Exit. Pencil and Ita look at each other and smile mischievously.*]

* **R****h****oza**: Mum, do we really have to take all this stuff out?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Yeah, we're just going to give it back next week.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*as Ita turns the pages*] Children, your dad's dad and stepmother are stopping by our place Saturday, so we have to fix up *our* flat by putting up *their* decorations; and I surprisingly hate being judged as a bad interior designer more than I do as a shoddy contestant.
* **Fan****ny**: [*in the distance*] I hate that too!
* **R****h****oza**: I hate being judged as a victim of moral panic, but you don't see me clutching amulets. /s

[*Pencil chuckles.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): *Ah!* Found it!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Let me see.

[*Ita shows Pencil the yearbook. On page 52 we see a black-and-white photo of (a much younger) Pen, holding hands with a Valentine's day card in the shape of a heart—her entire surface is covered in hearts, in fact. Both are smiling. In humanaho, Pen has shorter hair and wears a nice sweater—the girlfriend wears a poodle skirt and a ponytail that she most likely dyes blonde. Underneath is the caption "Cutest couple: Valerie Delcuore & Ben Graffeo".*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, Pen, look at this!
* **P****en**: You found it, didn't ya? [*sees his picture*] Gee whiz, what a dreamboat.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): You, or the chick standing next to you?
* **P****en**: Eyy, that's Valerie Delcuore! In high school she was my longest relationship.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Scrummy, man. /s
* **P****en**: Four whole days, as a matter of fact.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): No way, that's my record too!

[*Pen and Ita high-five. Pencil gives them both the side-eye.*]

* **P****en**: Boy, I used to think Val was the *ginchiest*.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I've a feeling that if this heart girl's dead now, it's probably from cardiac arrest. [*bursts into laughter*] I'm sorry, I had to say it!
* **P****en**: You're Pencil, so it's fine. Besides, I had much more fun with Anise Cohen than with her.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Anise?
* **P****en**: The gal who took the picture.

[*Pencil playfully hits Pen on the head with the book.*]

* **P****en**: Oof!

[*The phone rings.*]

* **P****en**: Anyone else hear a phone ringing?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): I'll get it. [*picks up the phone*] Schreiber–Triángolo– residence, Ivjær the fourth-born child, twin brother of Cillita and highest IQ speaking. [*Pause.*] No, they are not available; they are too busy living in the past.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: One of Beverly Aubin's eyes is bigger than the other. And Snowee Alaimo? Tsst!
* **P****en**: Aww, don't worry about those guys.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You drew a heart around their portraits.
* **P****en**: Penc, if you were at my school, I would love you for the whole seven-year ride. And I mean it. [*kisses her*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ain't secondary four years long?

[*Pause.*]

* **P****en**: Oh yeah.

[*Ivor gets off the phone.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Wait, you forgot to say goodbye!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Too late now. Mother, I have terrific news!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What's that?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Your father rang; he said that he and your mother are coming over for dinner on the set.
* **P****en**: Dinner? Wow, my parents are coming for dinner too! I wonder if it's spreading.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wait, w- when did he say it is?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): This Saturday!

[*Pencil gasps. The intro plays.*]

## Thursday, *24 August*

### **Kitchen/living room** – Evening

**Scene**More sitcom-esque opening music introduces the segment:

**Pencil** is having dinner with **Yesa**, **Lou**, **Ivor**, **Rhoza** and **Sonny**. With half the family absent, it is much quieter and the lighting is dimmer, although bright shouts and cheers can be heard from outside. Yesa has invited **Jost Van Femslash** over—it's his second visit to the flat since the last segment.
* **J****o****s****t**: What they're doing in that part of the world is totally impressive; we should do it here!
* **Y****es****a**: And we'll call it... Hands Across Goiky.

[*All except Rhoza and Sonny laugh.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Sounds good to me. Objectkind could use a little more harmony. [*takes a sip*] You know, Jost, it's nice of you to come back here after we scared you away.
* **J****o****s****t**: Oh, I didn't choose to come back—ow!

[*Jost looks over at Yesa, who turns the other way.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Wasn't me.
* **R****h****oza**: Right, 'cos the baby can shoot lasers from the bottom of his high chair. /s
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aeh, regardless of whether you decided to come here or not, it makes me happy to know that I can have a nice, peaceful dinner at this place.
* **J****o****s****t**: Huh?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Ma's worried that dinner with our grandparents Saturday will be terrible.
* **P****e****nci****l**: They don't get along. They haven't even met in person, yet the first time I brought my dad to Pen's flat in Toronto via telephone, the call ended with my man's stepmother crying profusely. And he didn't even say anything!
* **J****o****s****t**: Do they, like, not want you and Pen to be together?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Honestly, I don't care if they don't. I know what I want, damn—darn it.
* **J****o****s****t**: Sweet way of putting it, Pencil!
* **Y****es****a**: [*Aside.*] Don't egg her on, she'll never stop.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You know I think it tactless to boast, but in this family we get on extremely well.

[**Sam** *suddenly rushes into the flat like mad. He is followed by* **Pen** *(carrying a clipboard),* **Zira**, **Max** *and* **Ita**. **Solo** *is the last to enter; he casually saunters in and sits down at the dinner table. All are wearing baseball caps;* in humanaho *they would be wearing full uniforms. The rest of the family continue to eat and watch the drama.*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): I told you people, I don't wanna talk about it!
* **P****en**: Sam! *Sammy... Samar LaQass!*
* **J****o****s****t**: [*Aside.*] Wow. That dude has four names. That's dope.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): I hate baseball! Why can't we play cricket like normal people?
* **P****en**: C'mon, champ, don't you want to be like your old man someday? I was a big star in school, y'know.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Yeah, a harem protagonist.
* **P****en**: Ita...
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): I don't want to play any more and that's final! [*going*]
* **P****en**: But Sam, there is nothing more Canadian than the old bat and ball!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): What about ice hockey?
* **P****en**: *Ita!* I played that for a year, though...
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): The puck must have gotten lodged where his brain should be, tsst.
* **P****en**: *Picciotte iti 'n càmmara vostra!*

[**Ita** *rolls her eyes and goes to the girls' room.* **Max** *follows her, still giggling, while* **Sam** *goes to the boys' room and locks the door. Meanwhile, at the table.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Doesn't get better than this. /s
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): I'd better go. Nice seeing you, Joe.
* **J****o****s****t**: Right back atcha, man.

[*Exit* **Lou** *to his room. Pen lies down on the backless chair and puts his hand on his cap.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: He needs my well-known tenderness.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): If it's so well-known, how come nobody's ever heard of it? /s

[*Rhoza kicks Solo under the table. Pencil gets up and sits next to Pen to comfort him. Zira comes over as well; she leans on her mother's arm.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Alright, Zira, what the hell—heck happened?
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Something awful happened at practice today. Something terrible. Something horrible!

[*Meanwhile, at the table.*]

* **J****o****s****t**: Psst, Yesa, I have to tell you something.
* **Y****es****a**: What is it?
* **J****o****s****t**: Um... meet me in the library tomorrow. [*whispers*] I can't say it here.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): [*eavesdropping*] Nonsense, Van Femslash, anything you can say in front of Yesa you can say in front of me.
* **J****o****s****t**: Uh...
* **Y****es****a**: Butt out, geek burger.

[*Jost gets up.*]

* **J****o****s****t**: Listen, I'll see myself out. Tell your mom thanks for dinner, huh?
* **Y****es****a**: I'll say you liked Cake at Stake in BFDI 19 and BFB 2 better.
* **J****o****s****t**: A'ight. Bye, guys!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Farewell!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): See ya, bro.
* **R****h****oza**: [*fake-smiling*] Have a magical journey back to your dorm!

[*Exit* **Jost**, *quietly. Rhoza reverts to frowning.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Don't think there's anything magical about the dorms where Joe lives.
* **R****h****oza**: Please, I can find magic in a courtroom drama.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Something abystirgical! Something glippolboargital!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Something unknown—honey, you're beginning to speak nonsense. Just tell me what happened, okay?
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Okay. Well, Sam tried to throw the ball, he struck this guy out, who said something very, very mean.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Like what?
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): He said something awful. Something terrible! Something supermegaoctodecillio—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, okay, okay, I get it; you're free to go now.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): [*relieved*] *Bhagwan ka Shukra hai!*

[*Exit. Pencil looks at Pen.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Are you alright now?
* **P****en**: Yeah, guess I am. [*smiles at his reflection*] I should dress like this more often; I look real snappy!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Glad I could be of help, Pen. /s

### **Boys' room** – That night

**Scene**First view of the room for the four older boys. Layout-wise, it's the same as the girls' room (which makes it the same as the parents' bedroom too), but things in it look a bit different: typical late-'80s movie posters line the nominally dark walls, while the floor is messier—not all the boys clean up after themselves. Ivor's side of the room is only one in order: his large library of books is organized and separated from the rest of the room by a barrier. **Sam** sits upset on the top bunk of his and Lou's shared, while **Lou** leans by the door, his arms crossed.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): I just don't understand! Why would Solo say I throw like a girl?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Dunno. You're clearly a boy.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Well, Sol's a liar, and a bad one, too! I'm gonna tell!
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Sam, could you, um, not do that?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): What?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Don't mention any of this to Dad. He gets a little sensitive when you talk about boy and girl stuff, and I don't think we should hurt his feelings. Especially when it's connected to his favourite sport.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): You're right. We have to fix this ourselves.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): That's the spirit! How's that for your next step towards independence, little man?

[*Sam smiles. Enter* **Ivor**.]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Hi, I!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Salutations.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Hey, can I ask you something?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): No, I do not know where Tennis Ball buys stuff for his inventions.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Not that. Ivor, how would you feel if someone said you did something like a girl?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Like what, lead Pakistan?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Nah, I was thinking more like throwing a ball.

[*Ivor gets into bed and gets his book out.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Who cares? Boys throw, girls throw... I know a few genderqueers like Winner who do a good patch.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): A what?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Patch. You know, throw a ball.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): I think you mean *pitch*.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): You know, for someone who studies engineering, you can really be a jock.

[*Enter* **Solo**, *about to brush his teeth.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): 'Sup, nerds!
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): [*Aside.*] I was until a second ago.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): [*hides under his blanket*] Ah!
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Sam, don't worry, you're on the top bunk.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): What's his damage?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): [*pushes him towards the bathroom*] Nothing, now brush your teeth and don't say another word.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Okay. Geez, Louieze, you're talking to me like I'm a criminal or something. Well, Pencil says I am not a crook!

[*Exit to the bathroom. He slams the door.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Rich Shirt Nixon, 1973.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): C'mon, Ivor, you weren't even alive in 1973.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): No, but half of the kids in my remedial PE class were. Now go to sleep and don't say another word.

[*Ivor shuts off the light.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Oh gosh, now I'm a crook!

## Friday, *25 August*

### **Living room** – Early afternoon

**Scene****Pencil** is on the sofa, reading the newspaper. As usual, **Sonny** is in his cot.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Would you like something to eat?
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): What?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sorry, just testing something. I need to know how to receive four pensioners as smoothly as possible.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): If they're all women, put them in a ranch-style house in Miami.

[*Pencil chuckles. Enter* **Pen**, *whistling—he hangs up his bow tie and sunglasses on the rack meant for coats.*]

* **P****en**: Ah, what a super day! Hiya, love. [*kisses her*] Eyy, Sonny boy!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hi, Pen, you're happy. How was the steakhouse lunch rush?
* **P****en**: Terrific! Everyone was too busy talking to see my new mic-twirlin' trick.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Thought you'd be more upset about, you know, not getting all the attention.
* **P****en**: Well, this time it worked. I had a piece of beef in my teeth the whole time and no one noticed!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Funny, I always thought those with fangs ate their meat all the way. /j
* **P****en**: Cute.

[*Pencil gets up, still holding the paper.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Aeh, it's nice that you've joined a rotating squad of eaty-time entertainers. Kkkh.
* **P****en**: Still searching the classifieds for a job?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, Pen, I'm looking at these new pictures taken from the planet Neptune.
* **P****en**: Chh, you're playin' with me. We don't have a planet Neptune, haha!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I wasn't being sarcastic this time. See for yourself.

[*She shows him the pictures.*]

* **P****en**: Wow, talk about blue! I haven't seen that colour since I looked in the mirror of my Vespa. But you are mistaken, my dear; that planet is clearly Poseidon.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sure, Pen.

[*Enter* **Sam**, *with a paintbrush in his hand.*]

* **P****en**: Hi, Sam!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Welcome to our home! Would you like something to eat?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): No, thanks.
* **P****en**: Hey, how was painting? [*to Pencil*] Two wants all the little kids on the Fove to repaint the Tec.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Isn't that something? Even my eight-year-old son's got a job here, and it's something that genetically fits him. [*points at his cap*]
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Fine, but it's not a real job.
* **Two**: [*running past the house*] I don't believe in child labour that much!

[*Pencil closes the door.*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Two's right. It's a volunteer thingy, and I did it to get my mind off... y'know.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Honey, I'm well glad you like what you're doing, but, but—
* **P****en**: But is it better than baseball?

[**Sam** *goes to his room without saying anything.*]

* **P****en**: Was it how I said it?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, Pen, it was how you blinked after you said *but*. /s
* **P****en**: Okay then, next time I'll watch when I close my eyes.

[*Beat.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I was being sarcastic.
* **P****en**: So was I.

[*Pencil and Pen sit down. Enter* **Yesa**, *looking tense.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Welcome to our home! Would you like something to eat?
* **Y****es****a**: No! I'm facing the biggest dilemma since the "Shall I have it teased or crimped" debate of '84!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?
* **Y****es****a**: I don't want to talk about it!

[**Yesa** *storms off to her room.*]

* **P****en**: Eh, there goes another one.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Alright, I have had enough! [*gets up*] First Sam, then Yesa—I have had it up to here with our kids' secrecy! [*raises her hand high*]
* **P****en**: Huh, I've only had it up to here. [*raises his hand lower*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Omg, soon all our children will start saying nothing to us, and naturally it'll turn into silence, and the house will be as quiet as if nobody lived here in the first place; and all of that's just in the next twenty hours! By the time our parents show up, they'll be nothing but mindless Icy clones: silent entities of a flash-in-the-pan, good time in our lives that's since vanished, just like that show on the telly with the ponies!
* **P****en**: What if we're just looking at this from the wrong angle?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Look at yourself from the wrong angle, buster!
* **P****en**: But I don't have one!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, forgive me. But you've got absolutely no idea what it's like to surround yourself with people who keep quiet whilst hiding their feelings from you. I was the leader of FreeSmart for five years before realizing it was the most dysfunctional family since the Kramdens.
* **P****en**: Pencil, baby. I know how you feel. I got some quiet people too, y'know, and I think we ought to see 'em for help.
* **P****e****nci****l**: We should?
* **P****en**: Yeah! C'mon, it'll be fun!

[*Pen and Pencil head to the door.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Right now?
* **P****en**: If you want to leave the house.
* **P****e****nci****l**: How radical. After this I think I'll return to my cage. /s

### **Flat 6: Black Hole and Remote**

**Scene**Jump cut to **Black Hole** and **Remote**'s flat, which **Pencil** and **Pen** are visiting.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ponies?
* **P****en**: I know! [*laughs*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So you two have come to us for advice.
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's even more horrible than being forced to say something nice against my will, but yes. We have given in and are here to ask our friends for help.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I appreciate that.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, me too, but I don't think either of us can help you with your kid troubles. This hole has never had anything come out of it, and the notion of childhood is more foreign to Remote, than Halley's Comet.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I was born a seminary student.

[*Black Hole floats to the big table by the window.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Besides, we're kind of busy.
* **P****e****nci****l**: ♫ Oo-oo-ooh! ♫ [*nudges Remote*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What he means is that it's only been one day since the two of us and Pin saved the show from being cancelled, and now there is only one thing left on our to-do list: recharge.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: To think we stayed awake for 22 days straight.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But it was worth it. We had the adventure of a lifetime, ask Mr. Hole.

[*Everyone looks at Black Hole for a second.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We did.
* **P****en**: Black Hole, saving the show sounds *so cool!*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm glad one of you found it so exciting.

[*Pencil checks her watch and yawns.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Can we leave now?
* **P****en**: Sure! Where d'ya want to go?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'll pop into the Two-sco to buy my own decorations so my parents don't feel slighted. Anyway, BH, Remote, it was nice knowing you're not dead, but I don't want to miss the shop's being open, goodbye.

[*Exit.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ha, ha, "Two-sco". That's a pun.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sorry you couldn't get anything from us, Pen. I know you really wanted advice about raising children from people who, um, never had any.
* **P****en**: It's a'ight. Well, now that I'm here, let's watch TV!

[*Pen is about to jump onto the sofa.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But stop.

[*He literally stops mid-jump.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We're tired. Let us sleep.
* **P****en**: [*falls, then gets up*] Okeydoke! Talk to you later?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Um, yeah. We can have a pact meeting about your big dinner, as soon as we wake up.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Which could very well be in 22 days. /hj
* **P****en**: Gotcha. [*finger guns*] See you guys in November!

[*Exit. Black Hole *shuts the blinds*, leaving the room in darkness. He floats to the empty space next to Remote's bed and immediately falls asleep.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Black Hole, now that we're alone and no longer surrounded by those weird-shaped, huge-haired creatures they call humans, I really should confess something to you. [*Silence.*] Black Hole, I... I...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Zed-zed-zed-zed-zed. Zed-zed-zed-zed-zed.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think you're a very weird snorer. [*smiles a bit and lies down next to him*]

### **Flat 2: Living room** – Late afternoon

**Scene****Max** is sitting on the sofa, watching TV. **Lou** sits at the desk next to her, working on a design for an invention.
* **Guy on TV**: Next up: a sneak peek of a brand-new *My Two Hundred Dads*!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): ***ITA, YOUR FANTASY'S ON!***
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): [*covering his *ears**] I'm right next to you, dude.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Sorry.

[*Enter* **Ita** *and* **Yesa**.]

* **Y****es****a**: [*looking at the TV*] Heheh. You're weird.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): For your information, that is not my fantasy. I just want to know exactly what it was like to be the mother in that totally funny situation. But after the news I just heard today, it might not be that hard!
* **Y****es****a**: Real subtle, Cillita. /s

[**Pencil** *sticks her head out of the door.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Children, come help me decorate!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Khh. Fine. [*turns the TV off*]

### **Kitchen**

**Scene**View of the decorated kitchen, where **Pencil** is examining a pile of cut-out letters on the table while the other **kids** are busy adding random, slightly irrelevant decorations to the already busy room. **Ivor** is trying to hold a sign on the wall that reads: "Welcome and/or Καλώς ήρθατε, Grandpa & Kat!"
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): What do you need us for, Ma? Looks like the party-planning business is doing okay.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I need two of you to see if the letters I bought are bigger than the ones up there. [*points at the sign*] I must one-up Pen when the previous generation sees this place.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Ooh, I'll do it, I love competition!
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Same.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Come quickly, I don't think I can stand here much longer!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): [*going*] Don't die, Ivor!

[**Lou** *and* **Max** *join Ivor in the back of the room, leaving Ita and Yesa with Pencil.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah, this is perfect! [*puts her arms around them both*] My two eldest daughters, preparing dinner under my direction.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Wait, *we're* making dinner tonight?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You got a problem with that?
* **Y****es****a**: But I thought Dad was getting us something after his daily jog.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's what I instructed him to do, but you know your father. I can see it almost in real time: Picture, girls, a man running through the drive-through lane. He's a looker all right, but daft. You can tell by the fact that he could've just gone into the building to get his food *and* more looks from people, but no.

[*Yesa and Ita shake their heads no.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Anyway, by the time he sees the menu and is afterwards laughed at by the otherwise apathetic teenager operating the microphone, he forgets all our orders and wonders out loud: [*imitating Pen*] "What the heck am I doin' here?". [*regular voice*] Then he asks for a bunch of California raisins, you know, 'cos they're in vogue at the moment; and just maybe he takes a wrong turn en route to the Fove and ends up in Arusha when the hunger starts to take hold of him.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): You thought this all up, didn't you, Mum?
* **P****e****nci****l**: A pencil can dream.
* **[** **Y****es****a** · **C****i****l****lita** (Ita) **]**: **[** Mother! · Ma! **]**
* **P****e****nci****l**: Never said it was a good dream!

[*The three laugh.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): I'll go get the stuff!

[**Ita** *goes to the back of the kitchen.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: So, Yesa...
* **Y****es****a**: Yeah, Mum?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I've been wondering about you lately.
* **Y****es****a**: Y'know, I've been thinking too. I realized how crappy I've been acting, eh, with my keeping things from you. You're my mother, a person I can trust, a woman between whom and I exists a totally unbreakable bond!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right.
* **Y****es****a**: And whatever you say about what goes on in my life is bound to be wise. With your outstanding intelligence and heaps of experience, you give out great pearls of wisdom by the dozen.

[*Pencil gets up to sit on the table. Yesa sits next to her.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Brilliant way to butter me up were there one, innit?
* **Y****es****a**: Mm-hmm.
* **P****e****nci****l**: So what's the news?
* **Y****es****a**: Well, erm... I've got this friend.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Uh-huh.
* **Y****es****a**: And this friend... her boyfriend wants her to have a baby with him.

[*Pencil stares at Yesa for about three seconds without saying anything. If the episode needs to be a bit longer, make it thirty.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: And?
* **Y****es****a**: And... well...
* **P****e****nci****l**: She doesn't want to.
* **Y****es****a**: More like she doesn't know if she wants to. Yet.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hmm.

[*Silence.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*off-screen*] *Hey, Mum, are we going to make food tomorrow too?*
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*turns around*] *No, Ita, we'll just get takeout from a place nobody'll object to!*
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): *'Kay-kay!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: That wasn't sarcasm, by the way. Back to you, Yesa, or, more precisely your friend.
* **Y****es****a**: Yeah, heheh.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Has this girl's boyfriend ever had dinner in Flat 2 on the Fovitwe?
* **Y****es****a**: What? *Ohh*, you think I'm talking about myself! Haha! Funny! Well, I'm not.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I swear, Carrie Ann Yesa.
* **Y****es****a**: First names, huh. Well, you see—

[*The phone rings in the living room.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*sighs*] I've got to get this. If it turns out that your friend's actually you, could you please make the announcement sometime *after* Saturday? I should hate for anybody to burst spontaneously into flames at dinner tomorrow. The existence of 90% of you is enough to blow most people's minds. No offence.

[*She pats Yesa's eraser. Exit.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*off-screen*] Hey, Yesa, a little help here, huh?

[*View of* **Ita** *carrying a large heap of kitchen utensils. The pile is so big that* **Rhoza**, *who happened to be nearby, is holding part of it with her.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Whoa, what's with you?
* **R****h****oza**: Her? What's with *me!*
* **Y****es****a**: Here, I'll help you. [*about to take some items*]
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): [*off-screen*] Hey, Rho, which tape does Mum want us to play for background music tomorrow? Purse-y Faith or Gloria Este-fan?
* **R****h****oza**: In a minute, I'm in the middle of— Wait, what am I saying? [*laughs*] I don't have to be here!

[*Rhoza runs to the cassette rack, causing half of Ita's heap to fall to the floor and make a loud noise. Soni exspectati of complaint.*]

* **R****h****oza**: She can't help it, people! Things usually do that when they fall.

[*Enter* **Pencil**.]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Mummy! [*hugs her*] There was a loud sound in here and it was really scary!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I could hear it from the living room. Is everybody alright?

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, goodie. I just got off the phone.
* **Y****es****a**: It wasn't Jost, was it?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*very slowly*] Noooo. Actually, it was the Border Police. They've just found somebody entering Tanzania with a doggy bag containing nothing but raisins. For some reason, I'm convinced that it's the father of you lot. /s
* **Y****es****a**: Ha!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'll be back; I'm just going to the police station.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): You are? You may wish to bring a folder with you then.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What for?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): In case our father decides to keep his mugshots. /j

### **Pencil and Pen's room** – That night

**Scene****Pencil** and **Pen** are getting ready for bed. Pencil does crunches on the floor, while Pen lies in bed (with his feet on the pillow and his head on the edge), stretching his limbs.
* **P****en**: Penc?
* **P****e****nci****l**: What is it?
* **P****en**: You haven't said anything nice to me in 11 minutes. You're not still mad at me for entering a foreign country, are ya?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, I seem to have simmered down. Besides, I think all of this stands as a testament. To your sense of endurance, your agility... your legs.
* **P****en**: D'aww, thank you, Penc. [*air-kisses her*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: You don't remember anything I said before "legs", do you?
* **P****en**: Haha, no! Have you seen these?

[*Pen stretches his legs so that Pencil can see them. They look no different from other objects' legs.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: It's also a testament to the power of fame. Still can't believe you got away with what you did just 'cos one of the officers recognized you from the show. And that's only after I showed up to claim you.
* **P****en**: Yeah, what were you guys talking about?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Learn Swahili, mate. It was just the usual things I discuss with border police: how they know my father, how many *shilingi* currently fit in a bob... how God'll get you for this, Pen.
* **P****en**: [*sighs*] I'm a criminal.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Maybe just a smooth one. Did you see the "Have a nice day! ☺" stamped on the back of our receipt? I'm almost sure real crooks get a sad face instead.

[*She jumps into bed.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: But that don't mean you can't pretend to be one. [*strokes his cap and speaks in a sultry voice*] How about I put on my helmet again and play police sergeant?
* **P****en**: O-oh yeah.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And I shall punish you for... Pen, name a crime.

[*Silence. Pen suddenly gasps.*]

* **P****en**: Racketeering!
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***What?***
* **P****en**: Don't laugh, babe, I just thought 'cause I like tennis so much I could—
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***TENNIS?!***

[*Pencil bursts into laughter.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: That ain't at all what that word means!
* **P****en**: [*laughs with her*] I'm so sorry!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aww, this is why I love you so much, Benno! [*kisses him*]

[*They embrace, still in good spirits. A knock on the door.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Come in!

[**Sam** *opens the door.*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Hi.
* **P****en**: Hey, big guy!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Samar, you alright?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Looks like everyone else is happy in this house.
* **P****en**: Aw, Sam, what's wrong?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Nothing! I just want to say I will *not* stop being happy, 'cause that's who I am!
* **P****en**: That's great.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): And I am *not* upset about what that guy said to me at practice yesterday.
* **P****en**: Eyy!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): And tomorrow... I will *not* punch that guy's brains out after I tell him off.

[*Pencil looks concerned.*]

* **P****en**: Way to go, Sammy! [*fist-pumps*] I tell ya, Penc, we are raising a non-violent bunch here.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wait a minute, Samar, I noticed that you strangely emphasized the negation in sentences where such emphasis is not semantically necessary.
* **[** **P****en** · **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam) **]**: Huh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Do you really mean what you're telling us?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Like, totally, heheh.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Alright, then. I shall take your word for it.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Good. I mean, good night!
* **P****en**: Good night!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, good night, kid.

[**Sam** *closes the door.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, I'm in trouble.
* **P****en**: Why?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Before dinner, Yesa told me a story about somebody in her life wanting a child, but she said it in the context of her "friend". And now Sam's saying he's "not" going to punch the lights out of the bloke who's "not" causing him internal pain. And I chose to believe them both 'cos they're our kids—why would they lie? If my instincts are right and I let them both get away with what they claim not to do... then as a parent, I am totally fricked. [*Beat.*] And since you heard me say all this, you're fricked too.

[*Pen whimpers softly and hugs her.*]

* **P****en**: This mean you don't want to play "fuzz 'n' felon" tonight, love?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*sighs*] Not unless I can play corrupted constable, and as of right now, that just hits too close to home. Maybe some other time, Pen, okay?
* **P****en**: Okay. I'm gettin' a little sleepy too. [*leans back*] Pencil, I bet you a vigintillion dollars: when my cap hits the pillow, I am going to fall—

[*As Pen's cap hits the pillow, he immediately falls asleep. Pencil switches off the lamp, making the screen pitch black (except for the alarm clock).*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Get out the paper slips, boy.

## Saturday morning, *26 August*

### **Living room** – 10:00 a.m.

**Scene****Yesa** is in the living room, talking on the phone. Periodically, the other **kids** scurry throughout the background, where **Sonny** is in his cot.
* **Y****es****a**: I don't know what your feelings are on conflict. [*Pause.*] You don't like it. Well, Joe, I'm not forcing you to come over, but if you loved me, you'd tell them yourself and not leave me hanging—

[*Popcorn crunch. Yesa turns around and finds* **Max** *on the sofa.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Do you mind?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Nope!
* **Y****es****a**: Maxine, if you don't leave the room in the next 20 minutes, I'll make you listen to Ita's J-pop cassettes till 10:30.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Even your threats don't sound scary, chh. Nervy, are we?
* **Y****es****a**: No, it's just that having a baby is not something you talk about on the phone. Wait, why am I telling you this? [*over the phone*] *Having a baby ain't something you talk about on the phone!*
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): How 'bout during Cake at Stake? /j [*Exit.*]

[*Enter* **Pencil**.]

* **Y****es****a**: [*on the phone*] Oh, carbon, my mum just walked in. Talk to you later, Jost. Bye!

[*Yesa hangs up.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): [*from the boys' room*] Yes, she said goodbye! I hate it when people don't do that!
* **Fan****ny**: [*from outside*] So do I!

[*Yesa sits down on the sofa.*]

* **Y****es****a**: This place is full of eavesdroppers. And I'm not just talking about the huge, green, numeric elephant in the room!
* **Two**: [*over the intercom by the front door*] I heard that!
* **B****o****k**: So did I!
* **Two**: Wait, Bok, the door's locked; how did you get in here?

[*Pencil rolls her eyes.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Speaking of listening in, I need to check if your Aunt Needle's coming to dinner. I sent her the invite on Monday but haven't seen or heard from her since.
* **Y****es****a**: What's that got to do with listening in?
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's what I'll charge you with if you don't get out of here. [*shoos her*]
* **Y****es****a**: Mum, I need to call Joe back!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Which you can do when it's your turn. But in the meantime, *allez*.
* **Y****es****a**: But—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Or you could listen to me discuss my love life with your father.
* **Y****es****a**: [*getting up*] Okay, okay!

[*Pencil dials Needle's number.*]

* **Y****es****a**: I'd better bounce before I catch gonorrhoea.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Before you *what?* [*picks up the phone*]
* **Y****es****a**: Like that song from the new movie we watched, remember?

[*Exit.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Get your words straight, Yesa, that wasn't gonorrhoea; it was diarrhoea! Oh, hullo, Needle? No, I wasn't talking about you.

### **Boys' room**

**Scene****Sam** wakes up in his top bunk. **Lou** has been awake; he is drawing something.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): [*yawns and looks down*] Good morning!
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Morning, Sam. It's the big day today; ready to meet your grandpa, grandpa, grandma and Kat?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Oh, I can't wait! But I'm more excited for this! [*claps his fists together*]
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Whoa, Sammy, you're not really going through with this fight thing, are you?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): I have to.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Says who?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Says me. Solo needs to see how much of a jerk he is!
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Yeah, but—

[*Enter* **Solo**.]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): 'Sup, nerds.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): S.V., you are going *down* tonight!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Nice try, but this place has no basement. If it did, I'd lock you all in there and you'd have to find a way out, ha-*ha!*
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): How is that funny?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Eh, who cares. [*grabs one of Lou's blueprints*] You usin' this, Lou?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Uh, yes?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Good. Spilled my water bottle on the table and Pencil's making me clean it up. Thanks for the paper, maybe I'll give it back!

[*Exit. Lou rolls his eyes and sighs.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Sam... maybe this fight isn't such a bad idea.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): So you want me to do it?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): You're really putting me in a bind, little bro. Usually, I'd tell you to use your words, not your fists.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): But this is Solo we're talking about!
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): And he's not usual. Wonder what our non-violent brother would say about this.

### **Kitchen**

**Scene**Jump cut to the decorated kitchen, where **Ivor** is relaying information to **Pen**, who is holding a clipboard. There is a tape recorder at the table.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): That makes four seniors, two to five adults, two adult children, four teenagers, two nice children, one naughty child and one baby, plus any extra guests who stay past the five-minute mark.
* **P****en**: Uh-huh. Could ya run that by me again?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): I assumed you were recording this. Why else would you belt out the theme from *New York, New York* at dawn?
* **P****en**: Just testing the ol' pipes, is all, haha! I love to sing.

[*Enter* **Pencil**, *who looks annoyed.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Some Judas I've had the misfortune to be related to!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Whatever it is, I didn't do it!
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, no, Ivjær, this ain't about you. It's your Aunt Needle. She's not coming tonight.
* **P****en**: [*Aside, to Ivor.*] So I gotta cross *NT* off the list, huh?

[*Ivor (not the most patient of the children) grabs the small pen from his father's hand and scribbles out Needle's initials.*]

* **P****en**: Thanks, pal.
* **P****e****nci****l**: My sister is in Belgium at the moment.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Belgium? You mean where Uncle Nelson lives? The country with that monument that looks like an unnecessarily detailed object show contestant?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Precisely. She's staying with him in Brussels until my parents leave; she's even trying to speak Portuguese there 'cos Nels uses only French with his wife and kids.
* **P****en**: I guess she *needys* a place to stay, heheh.

[*A hand comes in from Europe and slaps Pen. The force is so strong that he falls on the tape recorder.*]

* **Need****le**: *Não me chame de Needy!*
* **P****en**: [*gets up*] Uh, I don't understand. Doesn't she want to see her folks?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, but she knows how your people and my people get along like Firey and Coiny. Poor Needle. Adventurous as she is, she goes through enough drama in her own offbeat life, so why should she be involved in ours? [*sighs*] It's time for all this tension between our houses to stop.
* **P****en**: You're right. I feel like I'm in *Kisumu*.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): The city or the show?
* **P****en**: The show. Y'know, the feuding families, our dying in '85 and coming back the next year... I even have a brother who might get shot one day, and we'll all end up wondering who did it.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): That's way too many references, even for me.

[*Pencil pats Ivor on the cap.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Good lad. Well, I'm off to the Two-permarket for their Saturday sale on tables, chairs and plastic fruit. You got the clipboard, darling?
* **P****en**: Oh, you don't want this, Pencil. You deserve a break; you've been so busy all week! [*puts his arm around her*] Why don't I do all your shopping?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Fine with me. Cheers, Bennelloni!

[*She kisses him and exits.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Gross, PDA!

### **Flat 303**

**Scene****PDA**, one of the failed Nixefta from earlier this season, sits on the couch. She perks up.
* **P****D****A**: Why do I feel as though somebody just said my name?

[*Enter* **Income Tax Return Document**, *dressed as a cow.*]

* **Income T****ax Return** **Document**: You're imagining things, honey.
* **P****D****A**: [*gives him one look*] Thought so.

[*Awkward silence.*]

### **Kitchen**

**Scene**Return to scene.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Are you sure you can handle the shopping, Father?
* **P****en**: Of course! [*picks up the tape recorder*] I've got this little guy with me, eh?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Yeah, it'll be hard to lose a show tune-playing device in a garish, Two-themed establishment. /s

[*Enter* **Yesa**.]

* **Y****es****a**: Hi, guys, just so you know, Jost is most likely not coming to dinner.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): What, are you two having straight people drama again?
* **Y****es****a**: No. Omg, why's everybody so mean today?

[*Exit.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): I bet she was binned.
* **P****en**: [*looking at the clipboard*] Uh, Ivo...
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): That's *JvF*.
* **P****en**: Got it. [*crosses Jost's initials off the list and smiles*]

## Saturday afternoon

### **Living room** – Around 4:00 p.m.

**Scene****Pencil** lies on the couch, clearly in a relaxed mood. She has arranged the palm tree decorations from the kitchen so that it looks as if she lies between them. **Sonny** is sitting in his cot in the background once again.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ahh.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): It's like I'm in the eye of one of those cyclones they get above the equator.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right! In just a few hours we'll be exposed to the heavy winds of squabbling.

[*The door opens.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*jumps up*] ***FRICK CHIZ, THEY'RE EARLY!***

[*Pencil turns around and sees* **Pen** *entering the flat, carrying a couple of large, plaid chairs on top of one another. We don't see him behind the stack because he's so thin.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh. Never mind, it's only the chair monster. [*fake American accent*] A tool that can lift more than a thousand seats, just with the top of his cap!
* **P****en**: Hi, honey. I hope you like these ones.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Not really. *But* I'd never ask you to return them when we've got visitors in less than three hours.
* **P****en**: Good. [*calling outside*] ***Let 'em in, gang!***

[*Enter* **Ita**, **Rhoza**, **Zira** *and* **Ivor** *into the flat, each carrying a stack of their own (much smaller but stylistically identical) chairs. Pen leads them into the kitchen as Pencil and Sonny look at them in amazement.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): These chairs are totally our style!
* **R****h****oza**: Not.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): I feel like a discount Bow from *II*. First season, of course.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, well, the bench aesthetic may not be so suitable fo—*and* you're already in the kitchen. Okay.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): They really get you, Ma.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, I'd better close the door before people start gossiping.

[*She gets up and closes the door. Almost instantly there is a knock.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Is what she said before she immediately opened it.

[*Pencil opens the door. On the other side is* **Match**.]

* **Ma****tch**: What's shakin', my child-rearing sister?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Match! Omg, I haven't seen you in so long!
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, we only had lunch, like, yesterday. Guess who's tonight's debate maestress?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You know, you don't have to pretend to be neutral if somebody's the first to say something rash.
* **Ma****tch**: So I don't have to, like, be here? I can spend this gorgeous Saturday night in the city?
* **P****e****nci****l**: And miss your mum? No way.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, what am I saying? My mother is coming into town, and I actually like her!

[*They both laugh before Match stops abruptly.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Wait, Pencil. That was a parade... of *chairs?*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Naff, innit?
* **Ma****tch**: Cheeuh. Pen bought 'em, and girl, you know his sense of style is five years behind. [*points to where a moustache would be on her*] Besides, I'd rather sit on Eraser than one of those cheap-o seat-os.

[*Enter* **Ita**. *As soon as she sees Match, she screams.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Aaaaaaaaaah!
* **Ma****tch**: Aaaaaaaa, like, aaaaaaah! Omg, omg, omg, Ita!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Aunt Matchy!

[*They embrace.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Like—
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Like—
* **Ma****tch**: Like—
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Like, like?
* **[** **Ma****tch** · **C****i****l****lita** (Ita) **]**: *Totally!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: It both amazes and frightens me that this is the deepest thing you'll ever talk about with anybody under eighteen, Match.
* **Ma****tch**: Haha, thanks. What can I say?
* **P****e****nci****l**: To most of our kids, hardly anything. /j
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Come on, peoples, we just got the seats down!

### **Kitchen**

**Scene****Pen** and most of the other **kids** are in the kitchen. The chairs are perfectly arranged around the two tables of different sizes in the room. Enter **Ita**, **Pencil** and **Match**, who looks around the decorated room—Soni exspectati from the others upon seeing the latter.
* **P****en**: Well? What d'yas think?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I think I'm starting to hate the chairs a bit less.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, how long did this, like, take you?
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Two seconds! If I could swear, I'd swear that these chairs are magical!
* **R****h****oza**: I can assure you, Zira: nothing magical happened. I would know.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Father simply bought the special kind, which set themselves up as soon as we placed them on the floor.
* **P****e****nci****l**: The Furni*TWO*re brand, yeah?
* **P****en**: [*finger-guns her*] You got it. Well, *we* got it. For $12, as a matter of fact.

[*Pencil walks around to inspect the chairs.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Nice.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Mummy, can we go play on the Cake at Stake place?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Yeah, we want to use up the last of our energy before we turn into model dorks. /s No offence, Ivor.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Go ahead, and don't get yourselves dirty, yeah?
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): 'Kay-kay!

[*Exeunt the* **kids**.]

* **P****en**: So, Match, what do you think of our kitchen? Be totally honest, if you will.
* **Ma****tch**: Hmm... well, I'm not a fan of the camo everywhere. What is this? Alberta? /j
* **P****e****nci****l**: The camouflage patterns are in honour of my father.
* **Ma****tch**: Oh yeah, the army dude.

[*They both laugh.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Ah, well, I'd still rather sit on Eraser's face, but you know. [*shrugs*]
* **P****en**: Hey, Match, since you brought it up, d'you know if Rase's coming? He won't answer my calls.
* **Ma****tch**: Oh yeah. I was in his apartment earlier, and his date left a mega-grody note on him.
* **P****e****nci****l**: So?

[*View of* **Eraser** *in Flat 5, sleeping heavily. He has a Post-It note on his forehead.*]

* **Eraser**: [*snoring*] *Khhhhhhhh... women women women women women.*

[*Return to scene.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, that sleeping spell's gonna last till midnight.

## Saturday evening

### **Living room** – 6:50 p.m.

**Scene****Pencil** paces around the living room, alone. *In humanaho*, she is wearing a sparkly black dress as was popular in 1989. In this universe, she is wearing nothing (the most prestigious mode of dress among objects). She looks around and skips around the coffee table.
* **P****e****nci****l**: ♫ Miss Pencil had a stencil who was 6-6-6... ♫ [*Pause.*] I'm singing to myself. Haven't done that since the EXIT.
* **P****en**: [*off-screen*] Eh-em.

[*Pencil turns around and sees* **Pen** *come out of the bedroom. He is wearing a black bow tie with a ribbon that goes around his barrel twice (and is still loose).*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Very cute, honey.
* **P****en**: I know. You look terrific too!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, I've done nothing to update my appearance. If your parents and mine are to have just one look at me, it'd better be of me in my natural state.
* **P****en**: Aww, that's my Penc, always a natural! And not just at dressin' up, I must say. [*kisses her*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Benny. Afraid I'm not on the menu till after midnight.

[*They both laugh. Enter* **Match** *from the kitchen wearing a huge, elaborate wedding dress not unlike the one worn by 86-year-old Mother Dexter in that one episode of* Phyllis.]

* **Ma****t****ch**: So I just got back from the resto. I wonder why everyone was, like, staring at me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside, to Pen.*] This, my dear biro, is an example of the unnatural. [*Aloud.*] Match, what the Spongy are you wearing?
* **Ma****t****ch**: Frick. This isn't the mode we're going for tonight, is it?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No! We're having an "informal" dinner between two parties who, last time I checked, quite dislike each other. The working-age population ought to resemble diplomats, not duchesses.
* **Ma****t****ch**: So the dress is out, eh? Well, I know what to do!

[*Match tears the dress in half (much to the horror of Pencil, who bites her knuckle) and walks out of it as if it were a tent.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah! You did not...
* **Ma****tch**: Oh, don't worry, Penc-penc. I bought this for 200 lingies from a divorcée whose husband I, like, *happened* to be dating. [*Silence.*] He never told me he was a DINK! Oh, never mind. Maybe I should get it out of here, huh. Seeing a torn bridal gown might, like, give our peoples the wrong idea.
* **P****en**: I'll say. Chh, looks like you kidnapped a giant wedding cake. Y'know, this one time Blocky—
* **P****e****nci****l**: I don't want to hear it.
* **P****en**: Hey, he set it free!
* **Ma****tch**: Well, I'm off to Liy's with this thing. She, like, needs a new blanket. Ciao!

[*Exit* **Match**. *At the same time, enter the* **kids**, *looking hardly any different than usual. The only difference is that Lou wears a blue bow tie and Ita has on a scarf in grey, brown, pink, beige, pink and dark blue.*]

* **P****en**: Whoa, you guys look cool!
* **P****e****nci****l**: And presentable.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): You like my scarf? It's got every colour of our beautiful grandparents on it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: A marvellous touch, Cillita.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): No, it isn't! All these shades right next to each other? Neener neener, ooglay alert!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): I told you to wear the white one instead; white's on the flags of all our ancestors' nations.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): How do you know? We get, like, new governments every ten minutes.

[*Pencil strides through the room like a military leader inspecting the troops.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Alright. I shall see to it tonight that none of you will misbehave before your elders. As far as they know, we are a perfect family with absolutely no problems among us.

[*Ivor snorts so hard that he ends up laughing in an unusually boorish way. The others look at him in confusion.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Ivor! Of all the people in the world, you should be the least inclined to make any rude noises at or away from the table.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): But she said "among us"! If Taggy were here, they'd be laughing their string off!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ivjær...
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Mother, it is almost the '90s; I am perfectly allowed to befriend time travellers.

[*Pencil sighs.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: They're not even here yet, and I already feel like I'm failing as a hostess. It's just... I want this dinner to be absolutely perfect.
* **P****en**: It will be!

[*Pencil crouches down by the door. Pen joins her, lowering his voice and rubbing her back.*]

* **P****en**: Pencil, honey. You know we love you, right? You just gotta go with the flow like the rest of us, and everything'll be awesome. I promise.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*sighs and gets up*] Suppose I should do that. Thanks, Pen. I'm feeling better now.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): That was quick!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Now, why don't we work on our blocking by the door, yeah?

[*Soni exspectati. All join Pencil by the front door and work on where to stand at the moment of arrival.*]

* **P****en**: Blocking. It sounds so theatre-y.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Must be where I get it from. Children, you stand in the front: the taller ones in the back, shorter ones up here. Sonny, you'll be in the arms of one of the big children; his carrier will be he or she who looks most suitable as a parent, possibly—no, definitely Yesa.
* **Y****es****a**: Chiz, Mum, really? [*Pause.*] Sorry, that slipped out a bit.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And don't curse like that until you've heard my dad curse first.
* **P****en**: Or my dad, or Kat. Sometimes she says "oh fudge".
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*rolls her eyes*] Oh rolaids, that's so lame.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, you lot ready?

[*Soni exspectati. Pencil closes her eyes.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Everybody, pose and smile. Pen, this is not *Mambo!* magazine.

[*He poses differently.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Better. And the door will open, and we'll all say at exactly the same time, God willing...

[**Match** *opens the door.*]

* **Everyone else**: *Hi, Match!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*opens her eyes*] Match?
* **Ma****tch**: Whoa, rad family tableau.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Can we start moving now, Mummy?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well...

[*All begin to move anyway.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What time is it?
* **Ma****tch**: Oh, it doesn't matter. I was looking down the hill and couldn't see any rental car.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You know what car they're driving?
* **Ma****tch**: I know the only brand Ari will get a car from, and believe me. It ain't here.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, what time did you tell them the party was on?
* **P****en**: 6:00.
* **Y****es****a**: Which makes them 54 minutes late.
* **P****en**: Trust me, they're not late. What about you, Penc?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, I told them to come at 3:00.
* **P****en**: Aha, how 'bout that!

[*They high-five.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): What is this nonsense? If a party starts at 7:00, then that's when the guests must arrive!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ivjær, honey, our parents don't take time seriously like us, whom the ever-punctual BFDI has conditioned us for 27 years. If the daughter of a Kenyan and a Brazilian tells her parents to come for dinner at 3:00, they're not arriving at 3:00.
* **Ma****tch**: Like, same!

[*Sam makes a whimpering noise and holds onto Pen's arm.*]

* **P****en**: Aww, don't worry, Sam, they'll be here soon.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*claps*] Good. Now, have we all the etiquette primers in our heads?
* **P****en**: Yep, we totally read every chapter! [*Aside, to the kids.*] We got books?
* **R****h****oza**: Yeah, but it just boils down to "Don't speak until you're spoken to" and "Don't turn your back on anyone over 30".
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, that's for meeting royalty. Upon arrival, a simple exchange of words will suffice; for example... Good evening, Match, learnt anything new today?
* **Ma****tch**: Like, thanks for asking! I think Liy's in Sweden or some other, like, city, 'cause she wasn't in her apartment. So I took the pieces of the dress and threw 'em on her seat, and—
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***OH, FRICK!***
* **P****en**: Pencil, I am shocked!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I know, cherub-lips; even Nonexisty swears more than you do. No, I've just forgotten to show you your seating chart for the night. Everybody into the kitchen, quickly!

[*All head towards the kitchen. Zira opens the door before hurrying in with the others.*]

* **P****en**: *Cherub-lips*?
* **P****e****nci****l**: A bloody good thing, man; wear it with pride.

### **Kitchen**

**Scene****Pencil** leads the others into the kitchen. In the middle of the room is a whiteboard with several symbols drawn on it, placed between the larger and the smaller table.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, I spent, like, five minutes in here trying to guess what these symbols mean.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I wrote it in Algebralien. [*Beat.*] I'm having lessons. Okay, sat at the big table will be Match—
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*going clockwise*] Yesa, me, my mum, dad, Max, Ivor, Pen—
* **P****en**: Whoo!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ari and Kat; and at the kids' table will be Sam, Zira, Ita, Solo, Rhoza and Lou; and Soniri will be in his high chair next to him. Any questions, suggestions, complaints? No? Alright.

[*Soni exspectati of complaint.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Ma, this is totally unfair, I'm twenty and still sitting at the kids' table.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Enjoy your youth while it lasts. And Sonny likes you best. If he hated you, you'd be sitting up with us.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Why does Max get to sit with the grown-ups and I can't? I'm her twin brother!
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Cos only Maxine can talk politics with my dad.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): I didn't sign up for this! I want to do kid stuff, dang it!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Maybe we should rethink the whole "big table"/"kids' table" terminology.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Brilliant idea, Ivor, I'll spend hours coming up with an inoffensive name for a dinner setting that'll only exist for one night. /s Let's just get back to our places. You too, Match!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): 'Kay, but... I'm sitting opposite Solo?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): [*Aside.*] Don't give it away, dude.

[*Sam lets out an "evil" laugh. Pencil stops and briefly has an expression of dread. The others stop with her.*]

* **Ma****tch**: What's wrong, Penc-penc?
* **P****e****nci****l**: A hideous thought had just come to me, but then I realized... Okay, all, we're burning nightlight here!

### **Living room**

**Scene****Match**, **Pencil**, **Pen** and **kids** return to the living room, talking at the same time to notice. They all stop, turning to the front door, as they see **Katarzyna C.** (Match's mother) and **Aristotelis M. Graffeo** (Pen's father). *In humanaho*, they are dressed semi-casually, and in both versions, Kat wears a pentagonal flower on her matchhead.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Honey, we're home!

[*Soni exspectati of excitement from the adults, who all embrace. The kids retreat to the back out of timidity.*]

* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Uh, barring the recent videophone fad, I haven't seen any of you for 493 whole days.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: She likes to keep track.

[*Match puts her arms around Ari and Kat.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, you're here, in our apartment!
* **P****en**: Are we glad to see yous or what!
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Is there... something different about you, Ben?
* **P****en**: Oh! I've just been working out a lot lately.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: No, no, no, I mean you look like you've been fed. Well, even. But I suppose your father and I needn't tell you that when your girlfriend can do it for us.

[*Pencil lets out a quiet laugh.*]

* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Pencil, darling! Ari, come and give her a squeeze with me, huh?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: One hug coming up!

[*Katarzyna and Aristotelis and Pencil embrace.*]

* **K****a****t****arzyna**, **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**, **P****e****nci****l**: Yaaaaay!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Cor, charming welcome as usual. Nice to see you, Kat. Ari.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: You look fed too. Not like when you stayed with us, though. Shall I make you something? /j
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, thank you, Two actually feeds us once in a while. Actually, they do with all of us: me, Pen, the kids.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Kids!
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: That's right, Kat; they've reproduced.
* **P****en**: Yep! You guys remember Sonny, right? Well, here's the rest of the gang.

[*Pencil and Pen look around for the children. They eventually find them camouflaged in the back of the room.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, don't think we can't see you!
* **P****en**: Yeah, don't be shy! They're just like me, your Aunt Match and Uncle Eraser.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] That'll sell 'em. /s

[*She goes to the back.*]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Speaking of that, will we be seeing Eraser tonight?
* **Ma****tch**: No, he's been hit with a sleeping curse.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: He hasn't changed, eh. We'll visit him later.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Good thing he's not here to see my new five-sided flower. [*points to her head*] You like it?
* **P****en**: Like, totally!
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: You're lying.

[*Pencil waves at Kat and Ari from the back.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Awfully sorry, but they won't move one bit!
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: I completely understand, Pencil. I haven't been called nice for quite a while.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Let me, love. *We won't ask you about school!* [*Beat.*] We have gifts!

[*The kids run excitedly to the door. Pencil rolls her eyes as she raises her arms like a conductor and mouths "Three, two, one".*]

* **Kids**: **Γεια, *shalom* *and hi!***

[*Soni exspectati from the adults.*]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: D'aww, how nice! You may call me Grandpa.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: And me your eternally youthful grandma.
* **Ma****tch**: Ha!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): May we also refer to you by the traditional terms of Nonno and Bubbe?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: If you want to. Oh, Pencil, what are these delightful young people called? Not that we don't already know, but we'd like to put them to the faces.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: And we wouldn't have to if we only got a postcard. Shame on you, Ben, you only sent us TPOT promo photos.
* **P****en**: Must have got the, um, boxes mixed up.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: So what are they called, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*laughs*] Oh, I shan't tell you now, least not till our other guests arrive. Tonight we must keep it equal for the sake of the next generation.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: I completely understand. [*mouths "I don't" to Ari*]Click **here** to continue to the next part.

## Notes

1. ↑ No, he wasn't held back or anything; he really was in high school for four years. He just forgot.
2. ↑ Just for future reference: **Lincoln Lincoln** (Coiny and Pin's son) is the assistant/*de facto* coach; and the members of the baseball team are **Ita**, **Zira**, **Max**, **Solo** and **Sam**  (Pencil and Pen's kids, of course); **Bintje Frankx** (Fries's son); **Samir Saad** (Clock and Kosrae's son); **Ricky D. "Disco Duck" Arroyo** (Eggy's son), **Becky** and **Gaty Ball** (TB and GB's grandchildren), **Henohenoeh Mizrahi** (Yellow Face's granddaughter) and **Grassy** (a contestant who once was). Together they're the Fovitwe Fringe-tailed Gerbils.
3. ↑ Because I couldn't be bothered to change the dialogue tags to make it look like they're wearing full uniforms.
4. ↑ Hey, don't talk chiz about the Atomium. My friend went there over spring break and found it gorgeous.
5. ↑ If there were a live audience, they'd be wildly applauding for sure: this is the first time Pencil and Match have interacted on-screen since episode 43.

**Fake TPOT** [V]