FILE 29. The Eggs of a Basket Case

*Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.*

*Episode Twenty Nine: The Eggs of a Basket Case*

[CLICK]

**JEDIDIAH**

Hey, kids. Jedidiah here, because Sydney is gone again — except, this time, he filed for a day’s leave with Lucille. Meaning the absence is official, and *officially,* it’s nothing to be concerned about. Of course, I can still think of a couple reasons to be concerned… but. No need for a search party. So.

We’ve got Matthew back again today, so today’s breakfast is something undoubtedly unpleasant and absurd. Hey, kids, if you liked the meals that Sydney made y’all yesterday, you should… you should let him know. When he gets back. Since he is in many respects laboring under delusions about the impact of his actions.

Your activities for the morning are falling over and standing back up. Don’t go missing. Or, if you must… make sure to file for leave. Have a good day.

[CLICK]

[FOREST AMBIENCE]

[FOOTSTEPS THROUGH UNDERBRUSH]

[CLOCK TICKING]

**ELIJAH**

Ah! My darling! There you are! Come close, come close!

**SYDNEY**

[*Dully*] Hi.

**ELIJAH**

Have you brought the sacred texts?

**SYDNEY**

Yeah… here.

[SOUND OF PAGES FLIPPING]

**ELIJAH**

Hmmm!

**SYDNEY**

It took a lot to get these.

**ELIJAH**

What wonderful work you’ve done, my love. My gratitude is as infinite as my praise. I will keep it safe with me for now… but of course, I cannot read it until the day of the ceremony comes.

**SYDNEY**

Of course…

**ELIJAH**

Come! Sit at my table once again. [SILVERWARE CLINKING] I am having a beautiful meal. I’ve brought you bread.

[HE SLICES THE BREAD LOAF]

**SYDNEY**

Thank you… that’s very kind.

[HE BEGINS SLICING MEAT]

**ELIJAH**

There’s a herd of wild cattle that often passes through this forest, you know. Colossal yet docile creatures that lumber about uprooting trees and stoppering rivers with their great, galumphing hooves. Occasionally, I take it upon myself to shepherd the lovely creatures when they migrate into my territory.

[HE TAKES A BITE AND SPEAKS THROUGH A MOUTHFUL]

In fact, that’s what I’m eating right now.

**SYDNEY**

Shepherding to you just means hunting?

**ELIJAH**

Perhaps they do things differently where I come from. Do you mind —

**SYDNEY**

Wait, is that cooked at all?

**ELIJAH**

I’m a lover of… the rarest pleasures. Do you mind if I remove the mask?

**SYDNEY**

I… I [*Yawn*] guess not…

**ELIJAH**

All your choice, my love.

[ELIJAH TAKES THE MASK OFF]

**SYDNEY**

[*Sleepy*] Mmmh.

**ELIJAH**

Now, my dear. I do believe I made you a promise… in return for the texts, I would teach you the truth. Do you remember?

**SYDNEY**

Mh.

**ELIJAH**

Then get comfortable, my love. I’m going to tell you… a story.

This is a story about… birth, my love. Rebirth. It’s a story of how we came to live in this world… this world which so loves you.

Once there was a stupid man. He was skilled in certain delicate sciences: the science of the body; the science of machines. But he knew nothing of what really matters — of beauty, of divinity, of love. He could construct the most pristine, the most sacred sequences of numbers and proteins… but he knew not how to appreciate his creations once they were realized. When a project was “finished”, he would cast it aside. This man was the Architect. This man and his short-sightedness, his ingratitude, his wasted genius… he is the villain of this story.

But there was one love which penetrated his stupidity and settled in his heart — a beauty which burned brightly behind his eyes, behind his stupid little square glasses. The love was his saving grace: the one thing which kept him from total dissolution. But though he knew this love, though he held it in his oversized head, he never understood it! He did not understand how to feed it, how to witness it as it was meant to be witnessed! And so the object of his love began to falter; and as it faltered it became festered with disease; and the muscle dripped off of its bone; and the Architect knew that his love would die. He grew afraid. And he began to make… calculations. He may not have understood his own delicate love, but he understood the delicate sciences of body and machine … and when, one day, his love died tenderly on the clean sheets it was gifted… our stupid, stupid Architect divided by zero. He took the flesh of his love and filled it once more with the colors of life. The Architect ended death.

Stupid, stupid man. He tore the universe apart for the sake of his Muse, now the only living creature to have ever kissed heaven’s gate and still extracted its lips from the cold metal… our Architect had calculated perfection and shaped it as a man. And what did he do? Tossed it aside. He did not care. His love project was complete… and no reverence would pass between his cracked lips.

But the universe… the universe loved you. The universe saw what you were worth… and so did I. Oh, Muse… as life itself was blessed by your rebirth, so will I be blessed by my love for you. [*Lovingly, with tenderness*] Oh, Muse…

…Are you listening to me? Wake up!

[HE SLAMS THE TABLE]

WAKE UP! [*Slipping into a Russian accent*] The time for sleep is yet to come!

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

**JEDIDIAH**

What exactly is “a day’s leave”? Is it twenty-four hours of excused absence, starting from the moment he leaves camp? Or is it just midnight-to-midnight? Or did Sydney set specific times between which he would leave and return?

Lucille won’t show me the official file permitting Sydney to be gone for a day. I assume she threw it away the moment she got it. I guess if I really cared I’d dig through her trash . . . . well. I’ll wait to see if he gets back before resorting to that.

Hey… I haven’t gotten anyone at the nurse’s office today. You guys know that if you get hurt, you don’t have to wait for Sydney to come back, right? I am as qualified a nurse as he is. So if you scraped your knee or had a nightmare or something… I dunno. Don’t be shy.

Alright, anyway. This afternoon’s activities are… circles. Lunch is The Beast: we finally got him. And if, while you are out there in the woods, you happen across Sydney having a friendly conversation with the pink elephant man… do not even be concerned! Because… it is a completely aboveboard and official endeavor. So sayeth Lucille.

Have fun.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[FOREST AMBIENCE]

[CLOCK TICKING]

**SYDNEY**

I… don’t understand why you’re telling me this…

**ELIJAH**

Stay awake! The story is not yet over! You have witnessed, oh Muse, how the masses, so alike in stupidity, have scorned and dismissed you. Though blasphemous, their disregard is not irredeemable… they are not like the Architect, whose neglect is deliberate and borne of dispassion. The masses are simply foolish… trudging dumbly through their ugly lives… like cattle. They must be shepherded… and here enters the Prophet. Here enters he who has been chosen to finish the work the Architect began — to witness, understand, and immortalize your beauty! Here enters… me. I love you.

**SYDNEY**

I’m not… [*Nervous laugh*] I don’t — I’m… I’m flattered, but… Elijah. I’m not… some perfect, holy symbol… I’m- I’m just a person.

**ELIJAH**

Please, my Muse… don’t speak down on yourself in this way. It may be hard for you to witness your own divinity… but I see you for what you are… a living, breathing masterpiece. A blessing unto existence itself. Everything anyone could ever love.

**SYDNEY**

I… okay.

**ELIJAH**

I will be the one to crystalize the truth of your perfection. It is work only I can do! The cattle… they — listen to me… when they look into my eyes, they feel my passion. They become enraptured… so I will take responsibility. I will herd them — my followers, your witnesses… to the Pyre of Borrowed Sentiment. I will light the tower aflame. I will bring you… apotheosis through sleep, amidst the swirl of smoke and emotion… I will make you eternal, our perfect Muse, relaxed forever upon the Pyre. And for all time, my followers and their descendents will witness and revere you. You will be… as you were meant to be… forever beautiful… forever loved…

**SYDNEY**

I… have… to go… I… I need to leave. Okay? I — [HE SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET] I’m leaving.

**ELIJAH**

[*Chuckle*] Do as you wish, my Muse. Wherever you go… I will find you…

[SYDNEY STUMBLES THROUGH THE UNDERBRUSH]

**SYDNEY**

[*Heavy breathing*] Bye.

**ELIJAH**

[*Sweetly*] See you at the ceremony!

[SYDNEY RUNS AWAY]

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

**JEDIDIAH**

Weigh in, here: would or would not you kids consider this, “the end of the day?” Dinnertime? I mean, you’re basically winding down. Doing the chill activities. In just a couple hours you’ll be in bed. So do y’all think this qualifies as the time of day when I… should… start digging through Lucille’s trash?

It’s just that —

[THE DOOR SLAMS OPEN]

…Oh.

**SYDNEY**

…Hi.

**JEDIDIAH**

Hello.

**SYDNEY**

I’m… uh. Sorry. Didn’t mean to bust in right in the middle of… announcements.

**JEDIDIAH**

No, it’s fine, it’s — it’s kind of funny, right? The announcements are always — perfectly timed for the intrusion of a significant individual.

**SYDNEY**

[*Pretends to laugh*] He-heh.

**JEDIDIAH**

So… how’d it go wherever you were? Are you… okay?

**SYDNEY**

Yeah. Uh-huh.

**JEDIDIAH**

[*Sniffs with suspicion*] Alright. Stay that way for me. And come handle the announcements. I am not in a state where I should be heard by children.

**SYDNEY**

Yeah. Okay.

[SYDNEY PULLS THE CHAIR OUT]

Hey kids, Sydney here. I hope you all enjoyed the return to Matthew’s good standard food, and that you didn’t get into too much trouble while I was gone. Just a casual break, don’t mind me. Uhm. Tonight’s activity is catching fireflies in a jar and using the glow to lure out the beast- what oh wait, they finally got him already. Actually. So uhm. How about in-cabin socialization, huh? That all sounds nice.

Okay, goodnight.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[CLOCK TICKING]

…I’m going to start sleeping in the room with Jedidiah again.

[CLICK]

*Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Elijah Volkov was played by Ryan Henning.*

*Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: Betsbop, Regan, and Cass Bee.*

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*Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: Dear god. How it rages.*