Roxy's Bane

**Roxy's Bane** is an ancient legendary tale, recounted by Kelloggs, at the request of TheWoman, to understand how Roxy was originally banished from the mortal world. The tale is by no means plagiarising the Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim's main story quest, 'Alduin's Bane', and is based on very true events which occurred centuries ago. The tale mentions both current and past LOM members, alongside figures outside of the group.

**The Story**

\*Present day\*

Kelloggs, the photogenic member of the LoM, traveled to the Throat of the World, Pendle Hill, otherwise known as The Three Hills or Hill Hill Hill. Rusty was quite impressed with Kelloggs' efforts: "You have it Big Man. The Banishment Scroll. Your little penis shudders at its touch. There is no question. You are coom-driven. The very boners of the earths are at your disposal. Go then. Fulfill your destiny. Take the Scroll to the Velma-Wound. Do not delay. Roxy will be cumming. He cannot miss the signs, for he has mastered GeoGusser, he never misses."

After a temporary blindness, Kelloggs regained his vision and found himself in the Classics Era but in the same place, unable to move and forced to watch a past event (just how he likes it). He then watched as a group of ancient Lancastrian Normies entered the fray. Caeragh-what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-her-One-Eye, and Katie-I-wouldn't-do-him-Golden-Clit, are readying to fight Roxy atop the Throat of the World. It begins with Caeragh on her own, until Katie came rushing.

Katie: "Caeragh! A slay day, is it not!"

Caeragh: "Have you no thought beyond the number of your streaks?"

Katie: "What else is there?"

Caeragh: "The battle below goes ill. If Roxy does not rise to our challenge, I fear all may be lost."

Katie: "You worry too much, sister. Victory will be ours!."

At this point, Adam the Trombonist emerged from behind and joined the conversation:

Caeragh: (To Adam) "Why does Roxy hang back? We've staked everything on this plan of yours, trombone man."

Adam: "He will cum. He cannot ignore our defiance. And why should he fear us, even now?"

Katie: "We've slagged him off well. Four of his kin (followers) have fallen to my boobs alone this day."

Adam: "But none have yet stood against Roxy himself. Joker, Weeb, Georgia..."

Katie: "They did not have Joerend. Once we bring him down, I promise I will have his cock as a trophy."

Adam: "You do not understand. Roxy cannot be slain like a lesser offender. He is beyond our strength. Which is why I brought the Scroll."

Adam then pulled out the ancient Scroll, much to the surprise of Caeragh:

Caeragh: "Adam! We agreed not to use it!"

Adam: "I never agreed. And if you are right, I will not need it."

Caeragh: "No. We will deal with Roxy ourselves, here and now."

Katie: "We shall see soon enough. Roxy approaches!"

Caeragh: "So be it."

As the Normies drew their mobile devices, Roxy landed atop the Word (Mr) Waller and spoke:

Roxy: (screeching with a Left 4 Dead 2 hunter sound effect) "Aahaha, wonderful to see you three again, it's been quite an age. But you shall not banish me!"

Katie: "Let those that watch from Accy envy us this day!"

At this point, the Normies would release the Joerend shout. When they shouted, Chris automatically learned the shout in the modern day. In the skies, Roxy felt mortality rise through his body and would immediately be forced to land:

Roxy: " Joorreee! What have you done? What twisted words have you created?! Ruussstttyyyy! My face to their pillow! But first, you will cum in terror, knowing your final fate... To feed my power when I come for you in Accy past the Green Gates!"

Katie: "If I fall today, it will not be in bed. You will feel the ick for the first time, worm. I see it in your eyes. Lancashire will be free!"

The three Normies then proceed to slag off the Ass-Eater, but to no avail. Roxy then picked up Katie, flinging her to the right, then ignoring her, resulting in her death:

Caeragh: "No, fuck you! It's no use! Use the scroll Adam! Now!"

Adam: "Hold, Roxy! Helen, grant us your sacred wet haddock to make this contract heard! Begone, Ass-Eater! By words with older boners than your own, we break your clench on this ass and send you out! You are banished from the groupchat! Joseph, we shout you out from all our groups unto the last!"

Roxy: (stunned) "Huh, wait oh, oh Shit!"

Surprised, Roxy futilely breathed at Adam before banishing into the flow of time, to an unknown era. Adam, however, knew that the defeat was only temporary:

Adam: heavily catching his breath "... You... you are banished!"

Caeragh: "It worked... you did it..."

Adam: "Yes, the Ass-Eater is gone... may the Prosecco have mercy on Katie's soul."