The Weather Channel Presents: Chimera Cooking

The James’ Kitchen, May 30, 2020

Ernest stands behind the island counter in the kitchen of the James family’s house, wearing a purple apron with white and teal lightning bolts across it and waiting for Atlanta to signal that she’s started recording. When she does, he immediately breaks into a wide grin and begins to sign and speak his introduction.

“Hi there, Weathervanes! You’re watching The Weather Channel, and today I’m coming to you not-at-all-live from Atlanta’s kitchen. Welcome to Chimera Cooking. As you probably know, I’m the Weatherman, and I’m here with Jasper and Bolt. Why don’t they introduce themselves?” Ernest looks expectantly towards his co-hosts.

Mel stands to one side of Ernest, hands behind his back, bouncing up and down very slightly on his toes. His apron is black, with a purple disc surrounding a black octagon. Wingnut is perched on his shoulder, glowing purple eyes staring into the camera.

He breaks out into a grin as Ernest introduces them and waves to the camera. "Hi! I'm Mel, but if you know me at all it's probably as Bolt. This is my best friend Wingnut, who is here against her will. I'm very excited to do some *science* today."

Jasper waves at the camera, beaming and bouncing in excitement. Bolt's visor -- an earpiece that projects a purple rectangle made of hard light in front of his eyes -- is on his head. Jasper's apron is green with a blueprint pattern. The pattern is subtle enough that his hands stand out as he signs, ***Hi! I'm Jasper! I'm Ernest's friend!***

 "Am I supposed to introduce myself, too?" Atlanta asks from behind the camera.

Ernest is already pulling assorted bowls and bags of ingredients onto the countertop, but pauses for a moment to sign along with his responses. “Bolt, I told you already, we’re not doing science, we’re making art. And yeah, why don’t we have our camerawoman introduce herself too?”

Atlanta peeks around the camera and waves, then steps out so she can sign and speak. "Hi. I'm Atlanta, I'm Jasper's sister and Ernest's friend. This is my kitchen, at least for the time it has left before these three destroy it." She gives a double thumbs up and ducks back behind the camera.

Mel pauses in helping Ernest pull out cooking utensils to brandish a wooden spoon at him. "Don't limit us, Ernest. This is science *and* art. And *beyond*. We're here today to further humanity's understanding of what food can be. And maybe also what Atlanta's kitchen can handle." He shoots her a cheeky grin over his shoulder. "Which we are very grateful to have for our experiments and promise not to ruin."

He puts the spoon down and claps his hands together. "So! I am just a lowly initiate to the world of food adventures. You two are the real masters here," he says, addressing Ernest and Jasper. "What's our first move?"

“I’ll tell you what we’re not going to start with, and that’s a recipe.” Ernest summons a small gust of wind to send a stack of papers on the counter fluttering dramatically to the floor. “Recipes are for when you want to make something old and boring that someone else has already figured out how to do, but we’re going to make something new and exciting. Right, Jasper?”

Jasper nods excitedly. ***Yeah! We’re going where no chef has gone before! Recipes are for cowards!*** The last line is delivered while looking at Atlanta behind the camera, and he giggles.

Ernest nods emphatically. “So, we want to start with a solid base. Which is why I think we should begin with cornmeal.” He opens the bag of cornmeal and lifts it to begin pouring into one of the larger bowls before pausing. “But this is a collaborative project. What do you think Bolt, should we go half and half with something else?”

Mel rubs his hands together, his eyes lighting up, then ducks down behind the counter and starts rummaging around. He pops back up with an armful of different bags. "Okay, so, I brought every flour that made me laugh when I saw the name, and then also some that just seemed fun." He plops down on the counter einkorn, amaranth, teff, sorghum, coconut, and potato flour.

He turns them all to face Jasper. "What do you think, chief? Should we mix one of these in?"

***Potatoes are always a good idea!*** Jasper signs enthusiastically. He picks up the bag of potato flour and pulls at the top to open it. After a moment of strain, it explodes open, covering the counter, Jasper, and hits the other boys as well. Mouth open in surprise, he looks worriedly at Atlanta behind the camera.

After a moment of silence, giggling can be heard. “You’re gonna have to clean that up later, you know,” Atlanta sighs affectionately.

Jasper grins and looks into the camera like he’s doing a PSA. ***And that’s why we wear aprons!***

Mel coughs, releasing a cloud of flour, then wipes his face with his hands and bursts out laughing. Wingnut, also covered in powder, pecks him.

"Damn straight!" he says, still laughing, then looks guilty at Atlanta. "Uh, I mean, darn straight. Well, potato flour it is!"

He helps Jasper dump some flour more purposefully into the bowl of cornmeal and steps back, dusting his hands.

"Now correct me if I'm wrong, but usually you put some kind of liquid in next, right? What are your thoughts on juice?"

Ernest turns his attention from the small whirlwind he created to capture some of the excess flour to consider Mel’s proposal. “Now I like where you’re headed, but we’ve still got a few more dry ingredients to consider first. Especially sugar. How about we keep to the powder theme?” He pulls open a bag of powdered sugar, briefly dusting the counter before the stray particles are pulled into the spinning vortex.

After dumping a small heap into the center of the bowl, he puts his hands on his hips and stares down in satisfaction. “That should be good. Although sometimes I put the butter in before the liquid because it’s solid but also kind of gooey?”

Jasper thinks for a moment, tapping his chin and getting more flour on his face. ***We could melt the butter, then it would be liquid. Or if we mix the butter in after it's kinda soft, it gets a really cool texture!***

 Unseen by the audience, Atlanta opens her mouth to provide wisdom, but realizes wisdom has no place here and just looks perturbed instead.

"Okay, yes, I see where you're both going with this. We make a spectrum from solid to liquid. I like it." Mel rummages around in the fridge and pulls out a stick of butter. "So how about we stick this in the microwave until it's somewhere between solid and liquid?"

He looks down at the single stick in his hand. "Is this…is this enough? How much butter do we use?"

“We don’t even need a microwave! Here, let me see that.” Ernest takes the stick of butter from Mel, holding it flat in the palm of one hand and hovering his other hand a few inches above. He screws up his face as he concentrates on heating the air between his hands.

Soon, the butter softens, and Ernest unwraps the stick to plop the semi-solid into the bowl. Another plume of powder erupts, and Ernest begins mixing everything together with a large spoon. “Alright, what was that about juice again?”

Mel stares in awe at Ernest melting the butter. "Dude, can you cook hot pockets like that?" He shakes his head. "Nevermind. Um, juice!"

He ducks back behind the counter and comes up with a couple cartons of juice. "Okay, so, my favorite is apple juice, personally. But orange juice is a classic, and tomato juice is *technically* a fruit juice, which I feel is the kind of technicality we're really banking on with this whole experiment. So I propose we just add all of them."

Jasper gasps in delight at Ernest using his powers, then nods in agreement with Mel. ***More flavors is always better!***

 “All of them it is,” Ernest agrees. “You two pour them in while I keep stirring. We want it to get wet enough to stick everything together, but remember that we’re not aiming for a soup.”

"Of course. Soup is too easy. Any idiot can throw some liquid in a bowl and call it soup. We're going for *art*." Mel uncaps the three juice bottles and slides one over to Jasper. "Here, buddy, you get the tomato. It's the best one."

Holding a bottle of juice in each hand, he starts judiciously tipping apple and orange juice into the bowl, glancing at Ernest for the sign to stop pouring.

Jasper opens the tomato juice and also starts to pour slowly. Having at least made something before, he knows how quickly things can turn to soup. But he also waits for Ernest to stop them.

The mixture begins to congeal as Ernest stirs, rapidly taking on a pale orange color from the juices. “Atlanta, bring the camera in, we’re gonna want a close up shot of this.”

Once the concoction reaches the consistency of a thick batter, Ernest holds up a hand. “Alright, that looks good. Next comes my favorite part – mix ins. We’ve got some fruit, nuts, candy,” he gestures to various bags arrayed on the counter. “What are you guys thinking?”

“I can’t believe you are making me see this with my own two eyes,” Atlanta sighs, but unhooks the camera from the tripod and moves forward. She gets some close up shots of the batter and the array of mix-ins spread across the counter, then pans over the boys’ flour-covered faces for good measure. “Do you want me to stay up close or move back?”

Jasper does a double thumbs up for the camera, eyes sparkling with excitement like he’s an anime character. ***It has to have marshmallows if Ernest is making it, right? And chocolate chips! Those are for me.***

 “We can go back to the wide shot,” Ernest says, mimicking Jasper’s thumbs up. The shot pans back out as Atlanta backs up. The camera wobbles for a bit as she re-attaches it to the tripod, then steadies. “On one hand, I can’t keep putting marshmallows in everything and pretending that it’s new and exciting every time…but on the other hand, I really really like marshmallows. And since this will be our first publicly documented creation, we haven’t used them too much yet.” He hefts a bag of mini marshmallows one hand. “What about you, Bolt?”

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with sticking to a consistent image," Mel says. "Right, Wingnut?"

Wingnut pecks him.

"Anyways!" Mel says, wincing and rubbing the side of his head but still grinning. "I feel like sweet add-ins are really obvious, so I thought, 'what would be new to see in a baked good?' And I brought these!" He rummages around below the counter and pops back up with a bag of cheese doodles. "I think we should do these. Oh, and also!" He pulls a bag of gummy sharks out of his pocket. "They're like gummy worms, but more badass looking."

“Oh, both of those are great!” Ernest says, opening the marshmallows and chocolate chips and tossing handfuls into the bowl. “When we’re coming up with a name for our creation, we’ll definitely need to keep the sharks in mind.” As he reaches the cheese doodles, he pauses. “Hm, do we want to try and keep these whole, or crush them up graham cracker crust style?”

Jasper’s eyes go wide. He signs big and quickly, showing his enthusiasm. ***It’ll be like a pie!!! And the sharks are swimming in the pie!!!***

 Without waiting for a response, he hurries over to a cupboard and pulls out a pie pan. He holds it up in victory and puts it on the counter next to the bowl.

"You heard the man," Mel says, pointing imperiously at Ernest. "Let's make those sharks swim in a pie." He turns and rummages around in drawers behind them and then abruptly spins around, brandishing a meat tenderizer triumphantly. "Okay, so we smash up the doodles, and then…we probably need something to make sure the bits stick together to make a crust, right?"

He frowns down at the cheese doodles. "We already used butter. What about…mayonnaise is kinda like butter, right?"

Ernest begins piling a mountain of cheese doodles on a cutting board in front of Mel. “They’re a similar color and both dairy, right? Eggs are dairy. So yeah, that should be fine,” he says with completely unearned confidence.

“Jasper, while Mel’s making the crust, how about we decide how we’re going to cook this thing. Oven? Microwave? Your dad’s got a grill in the backyard, right?” Ernest gestures over Atlanta’s shoulder, through the windows where Sheila and Lugnut can be seen playing with a basketball.

Jasper taps his chin, thinking. ***I’ve never heard of making a pie on the grill...if we want the crust to get crispy, we should use the oven.*** He nods, like all of this makes perfect sense. ***I’ll get the mayo!***

 He heads to the fridge and gets out a jar. Behind the camera, Atlanta stifles a groan.

“Please tell me you’re not serious about the mayonnaise???” she asks, sounding desperate but not hopeful.

Mel brandishes the tenderizer at the camera. "Atlanta, I'm always serious," he says with a dour expression. He immediately cracks and starts laughing as he gathers the cheese doodles into a plastic bag and starts smashing them with gleeful abandon. When he's satisfied with the remnants of the doodles, he pulls out a mixing bowl and dumps in the crumbs, sending a puff of fake cheese dust everywhere. He scoops out some mayonnaise into the bowl and starts mixing it all together.

“Oven it is!” Ernest declares. “Let’s see…probably a middle amount of heat would be good.” He starts preheating the oven, spinning the dial to roughly the middle without bothering to note a specific temperature. “Alright team, let’s get this pie together.”

"Rad. Gimme the pan." Mel pulls the pie pan over towards him and starts scooping the cheese doodle crust into it and pressing it down against the bottom and edges of the pan. The mayonnaise does an admirable job of holding it together, and soon the pan is covered in bright orange crumbs. He carefully tips the bowl of mixture into the pan to cover the crust, adding probably just a bit too much before he takes a step back, looking satisfied.

He turns to Jasper and reverently holds out the bag of gummy sharks. "All right, Jasper," he says very seriously. "You get the most important job. Make the sharks swim."

Jasper takes the bag and nods solemnly before giggling. He dumps the gummy sharks out on the counter and picks them up one at a time. Each shark is placed carefully. Some are submerged into the batter, while others are on the surface or with just parts of them breaching the surface. After the last is artfully placed with its face peeking above the batter like it’s saying hello, Jasper nods and claps his hands.

***Perfect! How do we bake it?***

 “Well…” Ernest taps a finger against his chin in thought for a few moments. “We want to keep the sharks from burning, so we should probably cover them up.” He bends down beneath the counter and reappears with a sheet of tinfoil. “This should work!” After placing the foil and crimping the edges around the pie pan, he slides the whole concoction into the oven.

“And now we wait.” He looks to Atlanta, making a cutting motion with his arms. “No need to film this part, I’ll just cut to when it’s finished baking for the video.”

Atlanta hits the stop button on the camera and shakes her head. “I can’t believe you’re desecrating my kitchen like this.”

Jasper jumps down from his step-stool. ***I’m gonna be on Ernest’s channel, I’m gonna be famous!***

Atlanta’s expression softens seeing her brother’s excitement, and knows she’ll help out for any amount of food crimes if it makes him this happy. “Gonna give up architecture and become a B-Tube star instead?”

***I can be both***, Jasper states, nodding like it’s the obvious answer.

***Yeah,*** Ernest agrees, signing enthusiastically to Jasper. ***After this show takes off our next one can be all about architecture!***

He starts packing up some of the ingredients on the counter and putting them away. “So, we’ve got what, thirty or forty minutes until it’s done baking? That should be enough time to come up with a name for what we’ve made. Like I said before, I feel like it’s gotta involve sharks somehow.”

"Architectural cooking…now *there's* the mix of science and art I'm looking for, here," Mel says. "But no toothpicks allowed. Those are for amateurs."

He hops up to sit on the counter and pops a leftover gummy shark in his mouth as he cranes his head to check on the animals in the backyard. He hums thoughtfully. "Is shark attack pie too obvious? I mean, I feel like our baby here is a real assault on the senses."

Jasper’s eyes go wide when he hears that the next show can be about architecture. Everyone can basically see his brain formulating ideas about it, but he shakes his head to concentrate on Mel’s question. ***Hmm. A group of sharks is called a shiver, so maybe something to do with that? Shiver pie?***

 The three of them toss names back and forth while Ernest cleans up the mess of flour and powdered sugar from the counter. ’Shiver me timbers pie’ is the leading option in consideration when the discussion is interrupted by the bright orange blaring of the smoke alarm.

Ernest rushes to the oven and opens it, immediately flooding the kitchen with acrid black fumes. Spinning the air nearby, he quickly pushes the smoke into a corner of the ceiling, away from the others. “Someone open a window so I can get this outside!” he shouts, as the whirlwind grows darker.

Mel yelps and scrambles off the counter and across the room to throw open the windows to the backyard. He leans back against the windowsill and politely applauds Ernest blowing the smoke outside. He yelps and almost falls on his face at a sudden hard nudge between his shoulder blades, and turns around to find Lugnut muscling his head in through the window, whirring happily.

"Hey, buddy!" Mel croons, enthusiastically scratching the sides of his head in greeting. "You wanna be involved too, huh? You wanna be a B-tube star, huh, boy?" He laughs and turns back to the others, leaning on Lugnut's head. "Hey guys, we have a guest chef," he calls over to them.

Jasper giggles and walks over to pet Lugnut’s nose. ***We should film the reveal over here so Lugnut can guest star! We can move the side table so it’s next to the window and put the pie on that!***

 There’s a flurry of activity as the table and camera are moved into their new positions. Ernest retrieves the pie from the oven, waving off the remaining threads of smoke. When everyone is settled and Atlanta gives the signal, he gestures to Lugnut. “We’ve been joined by an extra special guest today! This is Lugnut, Lacey’s best friend.”

He points to the pie on the table. “And now, let’s see how our masterpiece turned out!” With a flourish, Ernest pulls the tinfoil cover off of the pie. Gooey strings of molten gummy shark stretch from the foil to the surface. The crust is blackened around the edges.

After a moment of silence, Lugnut pokes the pie with his nose.

Mel wraps his arms around Lugnut's muzzle and hauls him away. A trail of gummy sticks to the end of his nose, and Lugnut starts tilting and turning his head to try to get a better look at it. Mel yelps as he's lifted off the ground by his grip on the robot's head.

"Looks like a success to me!" he says, finally succeeding at wrestling Lugnut into relative stillness. Lugnut snaps at the gummy trail, and reels backwards in surprise when it breaks, banging his horns on the window frame. Mel winces. "Uh, yup, success! The sharks have lost some of their structural integrity, but that's what happens when you go swimming in lava. What do you think, Jasper?"

***It smells terrible!*** Jasper signs, gestures large and excited. ***When do we get to try it?***

Ernest fans out a fork, a spoon, and a spork on the table. “Right now! Choose your weapon wisely,” he says and signs simultaneously, waggling his eyebrows at Jasper.

As you should always do when presented with such a choice, Jasper takes the spork. He scoops up part of the pie, making sure to get some of the crust, and pauses dramatically for the camera before taking the bite. His nose crinkles up as he chews. After swallowing, he keeps the spork in his mouth as he signs.

***It’s really sweet. And soggy. It’s awful!*** Jasper delightedly declares, and scoops up a second bite.

Mel grabs the spoon and scoops up a big chunk from the middle of the pie. Lugnut shoves his nose under Mel's arm to try to reach it and Mel pushes him away with a firm hand on the end of his muzzle and quickly shoves the spoon in his mouth.

He chews thoughtfully for a few seconds, then swallows and gives a thumbs up. "I kinda like it, actually," he says. "The melted gummy really adds to it."

Ernest takes the remaining utensil and aims for a patch of burnt marshmallow. After finishing the bite, he taps the fork against his chin in consideration. “We may have overcooked it slightly. But overall, I declare this Shiver Me Timbers Lava Shark Pie the first creation of Chimera Cooking, and a complete success!” he says, raising the fork in the air.

Jasper enthusiastically lifts his spork up in the air as well, mimicking Ernest. ***If this is the first creation, does that mean that there will be more? Is this going to be a regular thing?***

 Jasper turns big puppy eyes at Ernest, and then at Atlanta behind the camera. Indistinct mumbling can be heard from his sister, but she doesn’t say no.

"Hell yeah, dude!" Mel says, ruffling Jasper's hair. He winces and glances at Atlanta guiltily. "I mean, uh, heck yeah! Our combined culinary genius can't be contained to just *one* video. Right, Lugnut?"

He looks over his shoulder to see Lugnut stretching out his neck and hovering over the pie with his mouth open. Lugnut freezes in place, staring back at him, then snaps up the whole pie and whirrs happily.

Mel sighs and shakes his head. "Well, there's no getting that back. That's his now."

“No, Lugnut, we were going to feast on the spoils of our labor!” Ernest protests, but he’s grinning as he looks into the camera. “Thanks for watching, Weathervanes! Be sure to keep an eye out for more Cooking Chimera in the future!”

He cracks his neck as he stretches his arms out to the side. “Alright, I think that’s a wrap. Thanks for filming, Atlanta! I should be able to get the video put together in the next couple of days. Start getting ideas for next time, alright? We’re gonna show the world food no one else could have dreamed of making.”