Season 2, Episode 7: The Gofast Club

*The following article contains spoilers for Season 2. Please listen to the season in its entirety or be warned!*

## The Gofast Club

### Air date

19 April 2022

**The Gofast Club** is the 7th episode of season 2 of *Dungeons and Daddies*.

## Episode description

*The teens regroup after the dance and learn more about what is expected of them from one of their dads...*

## Introduction

The introduction is an in-universe recording of Link doing the *whatnot* at the school dance as a diversion.

## Rad Facts

* Taylor Swift (Freddie Wong): Taylor maintains a tent in the woods behind his home as a "second bedroom" where he can practice his survival skills once or twice a month.
* Lincoln Li-Wilson (Matt Arnold): Link uses a self-recorded tape of soccer sounds as white noise to help him fall asleep, and his alarm clock is a compilation of soccer announcers shouting, "Goal!"
* Normal Oak (Will Campos): "Norm's" favorite part of going to school is summer vacation.
* Theresa "Terry/Scary" Marlowe's (Beth May): Scary is the head of the Students for Realism in Fiction Initiative (pronounced suffer), which argues that books with happy endings are often incompatible with the true human experience.
* Dungeon Master (Anthony Burch): Anthony reached out to "Daddy Magic" Matt Menard on Twitter but has yet to hear back.

## Plot Summary

### Post-Dance

The teens decide to go to Sonic’s after the dance, but are subsequently kicked out when the waiter sees through their fake I.Ds. After the Doodler was released, all memory of the character Sonic was erased and the only things that remained were his catchphrase “Gotta go fast” and the insane amount of porn created about him. Thus, Sonic’s is a 21+ establishment with lewd costumes.
In the parking lot, Taylor Swift and the rest of the team discuss the other incursion points at the school, namely the drama club. Scary Marlowe sighs and says she may know someone from the club who could help them out, alluding to Hermie the Unworthy.

Upon arrival at school the next day, the teens get an alert on their badges that brings them to the bathroom. Normal Oak is no longer wearing the Teeny the Teen costume (Lincoln Li-Wilson had returned it), but instead now parts his hair in the middle, wears a pork pie hat, black lipstick, an old Jimmy Buffet shirt (drawn over with black sharpie and cut to be a crop top/tank top), soccer pants, argyle socks and sneakers. Link mistakes him for someone else, and Normal explains that he’s taking cues from his friends as a way to dress more normal, and Scary takes 8 psychic damage.

Lincoln asks if Normal is alright, and he lies and says yes. Agent Mae Hailes reveals she’s inside one of the stalls and the teens all go down to the D.A.D.D.I.E.S HQ where they are awarded their 25 Daddy Warbucks. Normal asks Mae Hailes if his uncle Lark Oak and father Sparrow Oak were mind controlled at the dance, and after confirming that there were no tentacles directly on their heads, Mae Hailes says that they were just saying whatever they believed most and that they definitely meant it. Link tells her that Normal hasn’t been taking his father’s words well, and Mae Hailes tells Normal that his father is probably just a liar.

Scary, Lincoln, and Taylor all try to make Normal feel better. Normal says he’s actually glad that he and his father have such a strong relationship and that he’s happy to have gotten constructive criticism, to which none of his friends believe him. Agent Mae Hailes tells Normal that his Amagara Fault Door is glowing. Normal asks if it’s because his dad is now proud of him, Mae Hailes says she doesn’t know.

Scary asks to get healed before they leave and Lincoln heals her 5 hp. The teens decide to buy two keys for the Obsidian door, which Anthony Burch proceeds to pull out two real keys to give to Matt Arnold and Will Campos. Taylor uses the remaining Daddy Warbucks to buy two worthless items: The Machine and the Puber-tree.

The glow on Normal’s door is purple, which prompts Scary to ask if this has anything to do with Code Purple. Normal says that from what they know, they’d need some sort of amplifier for Code Purple, making it unlikely, but the teens ask Mae Hailes to go to research on amplifiers.

Link puts in the first key and hears the voice of a young Terry Jr. say “Terry Sr. I invite you in.” Link doesn’t recognize the voice, but tells the team, and Scary gains a level. Scary explains that her step dad’s name is Terry Jr which makes his father’s name Terry also.

When Normal puts in the second key, he hears the voice of a young Nick Foster singing “I’m ready, ready for the big ride, baby!” and Scary gains another level. Lincoln asks if the voice was his dad’s voice, and proceeds to do an impression of Grant Wilson singing Link good morning.

Taylor tells the rest of the team to go talk to James the Whale while he goes to the bathroom so that he can steal the gun from Lark’s desk. Lincoln is immediately suspicious but lets him go. Mae Hailes leads Taylor to the bathroom and goes to her desk to do research, so Taylor tells her to go fix the bathroom. He does poorly on his persuasion roll, but Mae Hailes leaves the room for 30 seconds anyway. Taylor gets the glock, which is still working with 8 rounds, and then orders an Uber to deliver the glock to his house.

### Back at School

When the teens return to school, they hear Pepperoni Tony over the loudspeaker who is still alive as the teens only cut off his lips. He talks about how many parents had pulled their kids out of school because of the dance, so in order to give San Dimas High a fresh start, he is renaming the school to Teen High School. This is, of course, because everyone loves Teeny the Teen now.

Normal takes this news poorly, but when Lincoln says that the school would be really pumped to see him as Teeny the Teen again, Normal says he doesn’t “do that” anymore and pretends he doesn’t care.

The teens go to their government class, which to Normal’s surprise, is taught by his mother Rebecca Swallows-Oak-Garcia. She tells the class that Normal, or Norm, was Teeny the Teen and the class gives him a round of applause. Normal is happy to get the applause, but brushes it off.

During the class, Scary notices an adult beating on the glass of the window but not making any noise, waving and pointing at Link. She tries to get Link’s attention but Mrs. Swallows-Oak-Garcia tells her not to talk in class, so Scary casts Charm Person on her. Link realizes that the person outside is Grant, and does some sick acrobatics to get outside to talk to him. Grant is also a hologram similar to Lark and Sparrow during the dance.

### Grant

Lincoln is excited to be talking to his dad again, but when he brings up how Grant had lied to him and how he does spy shit, Grant proceeds to tell him about how he’s killed many times and enjoys it greatly. Just like Lark and Sparrow, Grant has a different intonation than usual and acts strangely. Grant goes on about how he thinks of himself as a piece of shit, bad, “villain person”, and then tells Link to never become anything like him, to never kill anybody, and to maybe stop loving him as much as he does now.

He proceeds to tell Link about a burgundy door in the D.A.D.D.I.E.S HQ with rivets on the side of the door. The third one rivet down is a button which will give them access to something that can help them with Code Purple. Grant says that he is likely to die at this point, and that he’s thrilled he won’t poison Link anymore. Link says he’ll find Grant and save him, but Grant tells him Code Purple is a better idea.

Grant exclaims “Goal!” and fades away.

### Anyway

Norm asks Link if he’s okay and considers that if Normal’s dad wants him to be less like himself while Link’s dad wants Link to be less like Grant, maybe they should switch. He realizes he’s reading the room wrong. Scary tells Mrs. Swallows-Oak-Garcia that they’re going to ditch, and the team leaves.

Lincoln calls for a team huddle and tells everyone there’s an incursion point in the government class. They sense that there is a very young incursion point (which appears as a zit) in the classroom and Link gets a feeling that “a very important authority figure is going to be related to that thing rupturing”. Normal’s mom says to the class that as the heir to the fortune of the Swallows Ice Cream Company, she was able to invite the Mayor of San Dimas tomorrow to talk about the local government.

Taylor and Link see Mae Hailes pretending to be a teenager in their class. She tells them that they have to kill the mayor because she has the sauce.

## Magic Items

* The Machine, an ATM-sized machine with a red button, that when pressed, thousands of portals releasing thousands of assassins from every conceivable time period will blast the button presser into oblivion.
* the Puber-tree, a plastic tree that will make anyone standing underneath it for 60 seconds go through puberty. If they have already gone through puberty, they will go through a second, worse puberty.

## Quotes

* "Oh! Oh. [whispered] Oh, I see. Okay. Sorry. [normally] Uhm. Yeah, they're probably just lying. I think your dads might be liars." - *Agent Mae Hailes*
* "I guess I'm getting nothing. As usual. As usual, nobody's thinking about me." - *Scary Marlowe*
* “I love you… my son. You're so beautiful, my boy. Good morning. Let's have breakfast together…!” - *Lincoln Li-Wilson, imitating to be Grant Wilson*

## Trivia

* The episode title is a joint reference to 1985 film *The Breakfast Club* as well as the video game character Sonic the Hedgehog's obsession with going fast.
* After this episode, Scary Marlowe is level 5 while the rest of the team is level 2.
* This episode is a real 5-footer.

## Continuity

* Will introduces Normal Oak as "Norm" in this episode.
* The Mayor is referred to with he/him pronouns in this episode.
* Scary did not roll to die (as she is left handed) or if she jerked off. For the Kellog K'nife, Anthony decided that they'd simply roll the next time Scary uses it. For the left handed dying thing, they forgot. In episode 8, Anthony rolls for her for the entire rest of the season (or at least 60 episodes).