Stone 1

**Chapter 1**

We start with Rachel, arguably the most sympathetic (or least annoying) character from the previous book. She's clutching her doll, Sara, as she stares at a *“dark thing”* in the woods. It's black with yellow eyes, and about her size. She wonders if it's a bear. She gnaws on her doll's foot, making me revise my estimate of her age down to seven or so.

It turns out that Rachel is in the Garden of Life, along with Chase and Zedd. The latter two are arguing about what to do with the three magic boxes that Darken Rahl was trying to use to take over the world. Zedd, Wizard of the First Order and Gandalf-ripoff extraordinaire, has no clue what to do with them.

Rachel tries to tell Chase about the Mysterious Watching Animal. After a bit of pointless banter (she has to call him Father, not Chase) he blows off her concern, suggesting that it was a shadow (with yellow eyes). Because, really, what *possible* danger could their be in the garden of Darken Rahl, the cartoonishly evil wizard? \~/

Rachel watches the Mystery Critter creep closer as Chase and Zedd continue to argue. Apparently some sort of stone or jewel has come out of one of the boxes, and Zedd said something about the veil to the underworld being torn. Rachel sees the Critter's long claws, tries to warn Chase again, and gets ignored again. I find myself hoping that the Mysterious Critter will maul Chase when it makes its inevitable appearance.

Chase and Zedd decide to hide the Mystery Rock just as the Mysterious Critter attacks. It assaults Chase and Zedd, laughing like a hyena, but Zedd's magic bounces off it. Rachel pulls her magical fire-starting stick and sets it aflame, which seems to annoy it but not hurt it. It is super fast. Chase attacks the Fast Laughing Critter with a spiked club, a crossbow, and a sword, but the thing either ignores or dodges all the attacks. Zedd tries burning it, but that accomplishes nothing.

Okay, I have to be picky for a moment here. *“Chase snatched the crossbow off his back and in a blink he shot an arrow.”*

Aside from desperately needing a comma, what's wrong with this line? Chase didn't stop to load the crossbow. Crossbows are notoriously slow to load. Therefore, Chase was hauling around a *loaded crossbow* on his back. This is stupid on multiple levels: it's dangerous, it's bad for the bow, and it's bad for the string. Bending a bow puts it under great tension, and leaving it bent stresses the wood (or metal, but there's no indication that this is a big metal-bowed crossbow), as well as stressing the string. If either of these is damaged, the crossbow is useless. Also, there's always the possibility that the crossbow will be jostled wrong and go off, possibly impaling Chase or some innocent bystander. \~/ No safeties on medieval crossbows!

Additionally, the projectiles fired from a crossbow are not “arrows.” They are referred to as either bolts or quarrels, but not arrows. I know you're too good to write fantasy, Terry, but would it kill you to do some research?

And what's a Dunedain rip-off doing with a crossbow, anyway? Crossbows are military weapons. If Chase is a ranger-ish, woodsman type, he should be using a longbow, which is faster and more useful in the wilderness.

So the Fast Laughing Critter keeps laughing, but Zedd suddenly knows its weakness. He yells for Chase and Rachel to stand still, and...no. He didn't.

The Critter can't see you if you don't move. \~/

Yes, *Jurassic Park* came out in 1990, and *Stone of Tears* in 1995. Why do you ask?

Ugh. I have to take a break from slogging through this. When readers find the battle in your first chapter too dull to finish reading, is it safe to say you've failed somehow?

Okay. Back to the sporking.

So Zedd, Chase and Rachel walk slowly away from the Fast Laughing Critter, which is confused for a bit. Then it decides to charge Zedd, who magicks it into the air and blasts it with lightning and holds it in an invisible, midair bubble. The Critter breaks free. Zedd tries to burn it once again, and even though it didn't work the first two times, it doesn't work the third time either! Astounding. \~/

Zedd swears, saying “bags,” and I have to digress for a moment. “Bags” is a really stupid swear. I think I get what Mr Goodkind was doing here: he wanted his characters to be able to “swear” without using real cuss words like “damn” or “shit.” Nothing wrong with that, and I've seen it done well in other books. The problem here is, “bags” is an utterly inappropriate word to use as profanity, at least without some sort of context.

Let's take Jim Butcher's *Dresden Files* series for a moment. Harry Dresden, modern-day wizard, often uses the expression “hell's bells.” This isn't swearing in the traditional sense, although it does include the word “hell,” but Harry uses it as a swear. It works as a swear because Harry evokes the idea of hell, or of something associated with hell. The construction also makes sense; Harry is swearing *by* something, like saying “God's beard,” or “Satan's nose hair,” or something.

Similarly, the vampires of the *Dresden Files* use the phrase “empty night.” This isn't as obvious as “hell's bells,” but it fits in context...an empty night is a sign of failure to a vampire. The point is, these phrases *make* sense as something negative, at least relative to the speaker. “Bags,” on the other hand...what does this refer to? Was Zedd's father a basket-maker, who lost his livelihood because of an evil bag-maker? Was Zedd beaten up by a guy wearing a bag over his head? Why would “bags” be a negative thing?

And lest you think “bags” is just a nonsense word Zedd made up so he can be Wacky and Zany, we learn that Chase had specifically told him not to say it in front of Rachel. So...yeah. Bags to that. \~/

Anyway, where were we? Oh, right...Zedd and the Critter. Having seen fire fail to have any noticeable effect on the Critter three separate times, Zedd now...throws up a wall of fire in front of it.

Brilliant. \~/

The Critter passes through the wall o' fire unharmed, much to our non-surprise. Zedd reacts by throwing up *another* wall of fire. \~/ The Critter, not one to change a winning strategy, walks through this one as well. I strongly consider throwing this book out the window.

We're not even through the first chapter yet, folks.

Zedd finally rolls a natural 20 on the old Intelligence check and decides *not* to throw up a third wall of fire. Instead, he tangles the Critter up in vines, which actually slows it down. The Idiots Three get out of the Garden and slam the *“golden metal doors”* behind them. Chase holds the doors. The Critter starts clawing through them. Zedd holds the doors with magic. He tells Chase and Rachel *“If it comes for you, walk. Running or standing still attracts its attention,”* then orders them to get away. They do.

End chapter one.

Drinks: 7

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