Brian Schoffield/grim

## Brian Schoffield

Brian Schoffield, is without a doubt one of the most degenerative scum to ever traverse the hellish remains of this planet. He has time and time again proven himself to be worth less than the radioactive muck that you can find lying around at nuclear dumping sites. He is genuinely more annoying to speak to than a Putrid Glowing One.

His absolute nonsensical bullshit, as far as I'm concerned, started sometime in 2379. Him and his goons from the CIA Brainwashing Facility, were looking for some demented tart named Amelia Ilse, that rudely verbally assaulted me. In my infinite generosity I elected to hire a trained killer, rather than strangle her to death with my bare hands right there and then. Sources claiming that I would have been incapable of doing so due to her wearing power armor will have their lungs implode in the following week. Anyways, if I had seen someone that looked like her, of course I had no reason to make him privy to my vital information, so I cast him aside with misinformation. Him and his reptile-eyed servant boy got back into their truck that totally wasn't compensating for anything, and promptly drove away, likely in fear of me.

We wouldn't see each other again for some time, but I decided to blow up Megaton, I wanted money and the voices told me to, I rest my case. This act of mercy for the dregs that called that place home, apparently struck a cord with Bogus Brothfield, because him and his communist cronies came and attempted to murder me in my own business, the Grimcave Grill & Bar. He offered me 2 choices, he would slaughter me like a helpless animal (he has no idea the Shadowmen had their hands around his throat the whole time, I've always been in control.), or I would be press-ganged into his data farming company of Aperture Laboratories. I elected to join him, to give him a false sense of worth in this world. Over the course of my tenure at Aperture, I would pocket funding money for my own purposes that I assure the dear reader was not Cateye, or Hydra.

I also had a little side project of critters that I let loose into the facility, because Brian Schoffield must be taught to remember that man is no longer at the top of the food chain in this new world. Some power outage happened, likely due to the reactor being held together with spit and duct tape, also the fact that it was likely designed by Aperture themselves. I'm no corporate shill, but even I can admit that Poseidon Energy or ArcJet Systems would have been a far better choice. Regardless, the mewling glossy-eyed brainlets all ran around in the dark, confused and afraid (as they should be), and I made my escape from the facility, my time there was up, a new headquarters was needed for expanded operations to be conducted. To this day I do still believe my little lab rats are still running about in the facility, which is one of the few things that still brings me great joy.

My interactions with Brian while working at Aperture were, short, irritating, and altogether, worthless. How he kept the facility from burning to the ground to me is truly astonishing and I still to this day refuse to believe he along kept the place running smoothly. He was inefficient is most tasks that required any amount of functioning brain matter, clearly demonstrated by his desire to keep funneling boatloads of money into the robotics department while giving me jack diddly squat. I sincerely hope those people all get dropped into the abyss accidentally, except Joe, Robotics' janitor. He was alright I suppose, decent for conversation in a building full of absolute dorks.

Anyways, Brian Schoffield will die shortly sometime after I do, not by any actions of my own, nor my underlings that still lurk out in the world. But rather because he is simply an affront to Darwin's theory of evolution. A man so foul, so vile, so repulsive, and utterly stupid, cannot live for long. His luck will run out in quick fashion. That, more than anything else, I am certain of.