How to be a Successful Super Villain

**How to be a Successful Super Villain** is a book that can be found on WorldCorp HQ Floor 4, in Scara B. King's office.

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### Page 1

Your first task is to assemble an entourage of brainless thugs. Thugs will be a major part of your plans, as you don't want to be tackling any heroes first off. You will need some excessive drawn-out violence to soften them up first. Wave after wave of expendable, driveling idiots are obviously critical to this. Finding buffoons of a low enough calibre is always a problem, but if you follow the tried and tested checklist below, you can't go wrong.
Things to remember when picking your henchmen:
**Intelligence**
First you will need to give them an IQ test. If they score any higher than 60, ditch them. If your henchmen have a mental capacity greater than a squirrel, they may realize that the odds are stacked against them when faced with a man who has just killed 30 other henchmen with his bare hands, and turn on you.
**Moral status**
It is vitally important that your thugs have no moral status whatsoever. Test this by running over a small furry animal in front of them. If they react, they're out. If faced with a tough dilemma, these thugs may have the audacity to help the under-dog or save the kid. This is clearly unacceptable.
**Attraction**
*It's important to make sure that your henchmen are castrated as soon as they are initiated. If they fall for the girl, you'll be in a whole heap of trouble. If they don't have to think about sex, their mind will be on violence, 100%. Because they have had their testicles removed, their testosterone levels will drop. Inject them regularly to avoid disappointment.*"

### Page 2

1. Thugs should always resort to killing the person who is mucking about with your plans.
2. In a heated melee, you should be able to escape unscathed, leaving your henchmen to fight on regardless. If they are obsessed with their own safety, they'll be running too, leaving nobody to distract your attacker.
**Lack of imagination**
If your henchmen have imagination, they may try to think for themselves instead of following your orders. You do not pay these people to think. You are the evil genius, so you do all the thinking. Ask them what they think it would be like to fall off a cliff and hit nasty rocks. If they can't come up with an answer, they're in. (You will also know that they won't be afraid to fight around dangerous machinery, shark infested waters etc, as they are too stupid to imagine danger…)
**Counting**
It's important for your business that henchmen cannot count for two reasons:
*1. Large numbers of armed guards should not intimidate your brutish entourage. If they don't know the odds, they won't care.
2. You can pay them less.*"

### Page 3

**The ability to drive badly**
All henchmen need this skill in order to drive madly through a town square attracting the attention of police cars. Once they have crashed and exploded, the hero may be caught and slowed down by random policemen.
**The boss is always right**
If your henchmen ever question your insane logic, or even your apparently senseless outbursts, you should kill them straight away. That way, you'll always be able to gloat, laugh, scream or kill without ridiculous inquiries. NB: Questions detract from wide-eyed guffawing, don't let it happen!
**Appreciation**
*Remember that your henchmen need your love and appreciation, or they will not feel valued as an employee. You can show your appreciation by not beating them every day. You can let them pull the secret lever once in a while. Exactly what effect this will have will differ depending on your super-secret base of operations. The last thing that you can do to show your appreciation of good thuggery is to promote a henchmen to the status of evil assistant. You should kill this person for failure every now and again so that your other employees get a chance to progress. The "dead man's shoes" ethos is very appropriate here.*"

### Page 4

Your name should be catchy as well as unforgettable. Most super villains go for names starting with "doctor", or "general". You need to show that you have a certain level of professional status. If you are merely "Mr. Johnson", nobody will take you seriously. However, when you change the above name to "Lord Marshall Johnson of the doom legion", it instantly sounds more appealing. Think carefully about your name, as it also needs to fit in with your evil characteristics, such as incessant laughter etc...
**Chapter 5 - Memorable catch phrase**
*Make sure that you have a memorable catch phrase so that you will be remembered by all as a witty and impressive speaker. Lines such as "See you later guys" do not cut the mustard. "Die horribly, you puke-ridden retards!" is more fitting phrase. It shows just enough madness, but at the same time implies that you still have a loose grip on reality.*"

### Page 5

Step 1 - Build or steal a weapon or device that you can use to threaten people. This could be as simple as a nuclear bomb, or as complex as an inter-dimensional warp gate that releases mutant chickens into the world.
Step 2 - Make sure that you are well known. Cause some trouble now and again, so that your threats of mass destruction are not be sniffed at by the global community. Occasionally release your thugs for a bit of mindless violence, or blow something up with a large orbital satellite. These events will keep you in the limelight and may get your face onto Time magazine!
Step 3 - Threaten the world with your super device. If they don't respond to your demands, destroy a city. If they still don't bow down to you, destroy the planet. It's that simple.
**Final thought:**
So, there you are. With these simple, but effective techniques, you'll have the world in the palm of your sadistic hand before you know it!
*PS. Good luck, I'll probably see you soon. I'm in jail, and I'd like some company!*"