TRP: Goro and Hansel (Sorry)

**Izzy:**

 [Setting: Morningstar Keep, Day 147, after the Roddy/Ombre,
Hansel/Gwydion, and Roddy/Goro/Hansel scenes. Some time in the
afternoon/evening by this point.]

Hansel took a while to clear his head. The field was good for
that -- reminded him of chopping trees to calm down, but the work was a bit
more focused and intricate, took more of his attention. It kept him from
thinking about what Roddy had said. And what he was going to do if he ended up
having two problems that it was his responsibility to solve and that loved and
trusted him.

Roddy was a good kid, he thought -- just got upset
sometimes, didn't think -- but he honestly thought that about Jonn, too, even
though he knew, fucking objectively, that it wasn't really true.

He didn't think about it. Just kept working until he was
tired, and thirsty, and the sun was getting lower. He'd made a lot of progress
-- felt good about that, at least, and felt more able to deal with shit again.

And he did have shit to deal with, so he only stopped
briefly in the kitchen to refill his waterskin, chug half of it and refill it
again, then headed up the stairs for the east tower -- up to the top of it,
where Goro's bedroom was and where they'd saved the room across the hall for Larkin.
He'd checked the library, on the way, because he'd noticed Goro hanging out
there sometimes, but he figured being closed up in his room was more likely.
He'd done that a lot on the ship. Especially after the Diva shit.

The hallway smelled faintly of incense, like a temple.
Hansel knocked on Goro's door.

**Lina:**

 A pause. Then, "Who the fuck is it?"

**Izzy:**

 "Hansel. Open up, idiot."

**Lina:**

 Another pause, and then a great deal of clanking and
rattling as Goro undid his many locks. He opened the door barefoot and
shirtless, wearing only a pair of trousers, and waved Hansel into the room.

He pointed at his couch. "Sit, and don't talk. I'm in
the middle of something."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel raised an eyebrow and stepped in. He hadn't been in
Goro's cabin on the ship -- didn't know what he was expecting. But it was
fairly neat, if only because there wasn't much to mess up, except for the
unmade bed and the assortment of scribbled-on papers over the desk. Lists,
looked like, and maps, and shit Hansel knew he wouldn't be able to decipher no
matter how hard he squinted at it, so he didn't try.

He didn't sit, but stood next to the couch, bemused, and
watched Goro silently.

**Lina:**

 Goro closed the door and secured every one of the locks,
then walked to his altar and knelt in front of it. He'd been in the middle of
lighting candles when Hansel knocked, and now he picked up where he'd left off.
There were several white pillar candles and one black candle poured in the
shape of a humanoid figure. Goro lit that one last. He fanned the smoke from
his censer to distribute it around the area.

Using a ceremonial knife, he cut a line across his palm. He
squeezed his fist over the offering tray until a few drops of blood pattered
onto it. He closed his eyes and began to pray out loud, a low and monotonous
Celestial chant. The cut on his hand closed, and he stretched out his fingers,
continuing the prayer.

When he finished, he picked up the chalice of wine he'd
poured at the start of the ritual and took a drink, then set the rest on the
altar as an offering. He sat back on his heels, head bowed a moment.

Wordlessly he climbed to his feet, then fidgeted, squeezing
the tips of his fingers just for something to do with his hands. Hansel's
presence was like a weight in the room, pulling Goro in. Before he could think
the better of it Goro turned and walked up to him, collided with him, arms
around his waist and face against his chest.

**Izzy:**

 Sure, this was happening now. Why not.

Hansel had seen Serena's altar to Selune, on the Red Blade,
and this had to same vague sense to it -- the candles, the incense, the prayer.
She'd asked her goddess to see them safely from port to port, to guide them
around storms. Hansel had no idea what Goro would pray for, or even to what
deity. Not Helm, clearly, but Hansel wasn't really sure he'd ever actually
bought that.

He winced a bit at the knife, but that was gods for you.
Always wanting blood.

When Goro was done, he stood still for a moment, and Hansel
wasn't clear on whether this was part of the prayer or not until Goro turned to
fall heavily against his chest, arms going around him. Hansel returned the
gesture, relieved. He'd figured it was a good enough sign that Goro had let him
into the room, even though he clearly didn't want him around at that exact
moment, but after the way Goro'd pulled away from his hand before -- he'd been
tentative.

"Hey." He kissed the top of his head. "You
okay?"

**Lina:**

 "Fuckin' ain't. Life's a shitshow, you know that?"

He squeezed Hansel tighter. Just fucking crush me, will you,
he thought, not because he wanted Hansel to hurt him but because he wanted to
feel like it would be impossible for Hansel to let him go. He wanted to feel
like even if he loosened his own grip, Hansel would still hold him tight.
Thought about trying it, but it seemed chancy.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel rested his chin on top of Goro's head and squeezed
back, not letting up. It was -- comforting, the way Goro clung to him. Kept him
from worrying about clinging too hard himself. Mishka's tendency to run away,
at first, had made him wary on holding onto people too tight, but that didn't
seem to be a danger with Goro. When he pulled away he came right back and held
on harder.

"Mm," Hansel agreed mildly. "Sure do."

**Lina:**

 "Anyway, what do you want?" His tone was sharp,
naturally, but he figured that was mitigated by the fact that he was saying it
with his face still pressed against Hansel's chest.

**Izzy:**

 "To check on you."

**Lina:**

 "Well, here I am. You satisfied?"

**Izzy:**

 "Nope." He kissed the top of Goro's head again.
"We need to talk about that shit that happened with Roddy. That work for
you?" They could wait. He wasn't leaving, either way -- he'd stick around
until Goro had gotten himself settled enough to have a fucking conversation
like an adult.

**Lina:**

 Goro sighed and fell limp, then roused himself and pushed
away from Hansel. He walked to his desk, where he'd tossed the knife he usually
wore sheathed up his sleeve. He picked it up and tested the edge of the blade
with his thumb. Fucking pristine.

"You didn't have to get involved in that," he
said. "I didn't think you'd fucking walk in on it."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel crossed his arms once Goro had moved away, still
watching him closely. "Yeah, well. I did. You think there was some way I
wasn't gonna fuckin' find out about it, or ...?"

**Lina:**

 "Well, we were in a unique position to keep you from
getting involved, considering Roddy's too much of a coward to tell you about
it, and I--" Goro paused and smiled pleasantly at him-- "I am not a
snitch."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel considered saying, You know telling shit to people
you trust isn't snitching, right, but instead he asked, "So why'd you say
we should stop."

**Lina:**

 Goro dropped the knife and folded over, propping his elbows
on the desk and resting his head in his hands. Fuck. Fuck. He opened his mouth
to say something and his breath caught. He took a minute to compose himself, but
he was still breathing shakily when he said, "Because I thought
maybe--"

No, he couldn't fucking say it. He was going to lose his
shit. So he just kept breathing, trying to get ahold of himself.

**Izzy:**

 Shit. Hansel had just thought it was a stupid plan to get
Roddy off his back. He'd been hurt, a bit, from hearing it out loud, but he'd
just wanted to point out that it was a nearsighted fuckin' plan unless Goro
intended to sneak around Roddy, and for Hansel to lie to the kid about it. He was
going to say he had no fucking intention of doing that.

He hadn't thought Goro had maybe -- meant it. This wasn't
the issue he'd anticipated having to deal with. He could demand what the fuck
or say nothing or leave, but Goro was fucking keeled over with his head in his
hands, and Hansel stepped closer, arms still crossed.

"You think -- we should? Stop?" He kept his face
impassive and his voice even.

**Lina:**

 "No. I mean, I don't want to stop. I just fucking...
you know, sometimes I think I should just take off again. Get out of everyone's
hair. If people can't even trust me and I'm no good to anyone, and I couldn't
talk Larkin into staying, can't even talk my own--" Didn't feel right,
claiming her right now-- "Amari into coming here, I wrote her a letter but
I know what she's gonna fucking say. Because of Joan. Because Joan's what
matters more to her now, and I knew that, but I still... I just. I tried. And
you--"

You've got Mishka, was what that was going to be. You stayed
with me one night and then you were back with him, which was fair, that was his
goddamn husband, but Goro had no idea if Hansel was planning to spend the night
with him again, and he was too afraid to ask in case he didn't like the answer.

He'd been staying out of Hansel's way for the most part, for
that exact reason. Hansel would always grab him and kiss the top of his head
when they passed each other, but Goro didn't know how to say I want to see you
more because what if the response was Sorry, got things to do?

He still hadn't answered Hansel's question, not completely.
Or maybe he had. Maybe Hansel could figure it out.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel listened, and kept watching him carefully, and made
himself not react until Goro broke off.

I what? And the rest -- fuck. Maybe they should go back to
Skyport. Ripley could keep the castle, and some of the others could stay there
if they wanted -- but Goro could go back to Skyport and maybe Amari would join
him, and Larkin would be there, and Hansel and Mishka would go with because he
didn't fucking care about the fucking castle.

Didn't really feel like a solution, though. Then they'd just
all be split up. Hansel couldn't choose all of them -- he'd have to pick a side
and he didn't fucking want to do that, either. There had to be some goddamn
happy medium, here.

He kept standing in place, for a moment, trying to figure
out what the hell he was supposed to do. But the first step seemed easy.

He stepped forward again and grabbed Goro's arm, pulling him
upright and making him turn towards Hansel, holding his face to make him look
Hansel in the eyes. "Goro," he said quietly. "Shut the fuck up.
I want you in my hair. I trust you. I'm sorry about Larkin and Amari -- and
Roddy -- but I -- I dunno what to do about it. Tell me how I can help."

**Lina:**

 "You don't have to help me." It came out
automatically. Was true, though. It wasn't Hansel's job. He couldn't fix the
fact that Goro was a fuckup who'd made the mistake of loving people without any
attempts at making himself more lovable.

Granted, what Goro really fucking wanted at the moment was
for Hansel to just be around him, and that was something Hansel was capable
of--but again, the problem of asking. And he didn't want Hansel to stay with
him out of pity, giving up his other plans for the night because of it.

"Don't you have somewhere else you need to be right
now?" Goro said quietly. Neutrally. Not in a get the fuck out way, but
hopefully not in a desperate way, either.

**Izzy:**

 "Nope." He wasn't sure if Goro was trying to hint
that he should fuck off -- seemed more likely Goro would just tell him to -- or
asking him to stay without actually asking. He pulled Goro against his chest
again. "Too bad, huh. You'll just have to put up with me."

**Lina:**

 Damn, this man was a fucking magnet. Goro's arms had a mind
of their own, latching onto him again and letting himself be dragged in closer.
He could never really shut off all the doubts in his mind, but when he was in
Hansel's arms it was hard to deny the gut feeling telling him that he was safe
and things were going to be alright.

And he'd always known to listen to his gut feelings.

**Izzy:**

 Goro leaned into him. Yeah. Not being told to fuck off,
then. Hansel held him for a moment, kissing the top of his head again and
sighing against him, rubbing his bare back, then shifted to lift his feet off
the ground and carry him over to the couch. Hansel settled down on it, holding
Goro on his lap, arms still around him, and kissed his shoulder, leaving his
lips against his skin. He waited. He was patient.

**Lina:**

 When the threat of Hansel leaving no longer seemed imminent,
Goro started to relax. He dislodged himself from Hansel's arms enough to sit up
straight and stretch out his neck. It was getting painfully tight again, these
last few days. He pictured himself telling Mishka, Take me back to Calimport, I
need a massage. Hah. The important things in life.

Instead of diving back in when he was done stretching, Goro
took a moment to just look at Hansel, study his face. He cupped both his hands
along Hansel's jaw and ran his thumbs back and forth along his cheeks. He'd
been tempted to tug at Hansel's beard a few times but wasn't sure if Hansel
would appreciate it. Goro thought that if he grew out a beard of his own he'd
never be able to stop tugging at it.

His gaze roamed over Hansel's eyes, his nose, his brow.
There mere act of looking at him so intently made the heat rise in Goro's skin,
made his heart pick up. God fucking damn. This man. There was just something
about him.

One of Goro's thumbs grazed against Hansel's tusk, but he
avoided touching the broken one. There had to be an interesting story behind
that, but Goro didn't feel the need to ask at the moment.

Hmm. Questions, though. Maybe that was how he could get
Hansel to stay, without needing to ask outright. Just fuckin' keep him busy for
a few hours.

"Hey," he said. "I got an idea. You want to
play a game?"

**Izzy:**

 He was so fuckin' strange. Hansel loved it -- he never quite
knew what the hell he was getting himself into, with Goro. Bloody rituals were
just as likely as sitting quietly beside each other in a gazebo, apparently.
None of it was that surprising, though, somehow. The pleasant shit caught him
off-guard more than the weird shit.

Hansel's head twitched back, a little, when Goro's thumb
came close to his tusks, but he relaxed when Goro was clever enough to avoid
the broken one. That was fine. He'd say the thing hurt if he had to, to keep
Goro and Mishka away from it, but he didn't want to have to. It did, sometimes.
Not really a lie.

This was nice -- just looking at him, enjoying his touch.
Goro seemed fascinated by his face for some reason. He didn't get it, but it
was charming. They could have just stayed like that, as far as he was
concerned, for the rest of the evening and night and into the next morning, but
he laughed a bit under his breath at the suggestion.

"Sure." He had no fucking idea what would come out
of Goro's mouth come next, but he was down for it. Whatever you want, he
started to add, but that seemed like a bit ... much.

**Lina:**

 "It's something I've played with Mishka a couple times,
so you might know it. What it is, is we take turns asking questions. Three
questions each, and you have to answer honestly. If you refuse to answer, the
penalty is a kiss. No, wait." Goro across the room, reconsidering.
"That's too good a penalty."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel scoffed. Yeah, he knew the three questions game --
it'd been a big part of how Mishka had gotten to know him. Get him drunk and
trick him into talking about his family, and shit. Well, not trick. He'd wanted
to talk. The game just gave him an excuse to do it without it feeling --
fucking uncomfortable.

He wondered if Goro had a similar plan. He supposed he
didn't mind. It wasn't as difficult as it used to be -- before Mishka -- but
the game would still make it easier. And he'd be able to ask Goro shit, too,
without feeling like he was prying.

"Yeah, all right. We used to do a shot when we didn't
wanna answer." Mishka'd done a lot of shots. He grinned at Goro.
"Remind me, you drink or not?"

**Lina:**

 Goro pointed a thumb over his shoulder at the altar.
"Only for ceremonial purposes. Hey. Hey, you fucking know that. Are you
making fun of me?" He dug his fingers into Hansel's sides to try and
tickle him.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel tried very hard to keep a straight face, tensing up
against Goro's fingers. Then he tried to glare. That also didn't work. Finally
he snorted out a laugh and shoved Goro away, next to him on the couch, holding
him at arm's length. "Don't fuckin' do that. I'll bite you," he
threatened, still grinning.

**Lina:**

 Well, that was fucking delightful. So Hansel was ticklish.
Goro grinned back at him. "Maybe that was my motive all along." He
looked over to his altar, thinking. "I'll take shots if I don't want to
answer, sure. I doubt you'll ask me anything that'll get me to that point. We
can't drink that wine, though, it's for Mask. And that's all I got."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel snorted and pulled his flask out of his pocket, shaking
it. Pretty full, since he'd been working all day, drinking water. It'd do. He
didn't really anticipate refusing to answer, anyway, either. But since it was
in his hand, now, he popped the cap up with a thumb and took a swig.

"All right." He shifted to cross one leg under
him, sideways on the couch to face Goro. "Don't try to fuckin' change the
rules mid-game. Mishka always does that shit." He rested his elbow on the
back of the couch and propped his temple against his fist, looking at Goro and
trying to decide if he should grab him again. Now the little shit knew how he
could get away, though. "You can go first."

**Lina:**

 "Don't mind if I do." Goro rubbed his chin,
appraising him. "Hmm. Tell me about... your childhood. What were your
parents like?"

Hansel would probably think it was weird if he knew that
question came straight from Jonn. But of course, he didn't have to know.

**Izzy:**

 He shrugged. "Dairy farmers. Didn't know my orc dad.
Human stepdad thought I was a fuckin' monster." He took a drink anyway.
"Got a little brother. So, Mask, huh? How's a pious cleric of Helm fall
into such bad fuckin' company?"

**Lina:**

 "Hey, slow the fuck down." Goro frowned.
"Alright, I won't change the rules, but let's make them clear now.
Follow-up questions don't count, right?"

**Izzy:**

 "Hmm." Hansel narrowed his eyes. "Pretty
fuckin' sure they do, chatichi."

**Lina:**

 "Huh." Goro nodded slowly. He glanced over at the
candles on the altar, still burning. They still had hours to go before they ran
out. "I fell in with Mask because I'm a fucking thief. But I'll make you a
deal." He looked back to Hansel, an eyebrow raised. "I'll say a bit
more about that, then you say a bit more about your family. What do you
think?"

**Izzy:**

 "Yeah, all right. Deal."

**Lina:**

 Goro tried his best not to look too pleased. He had this in
the bag. It was a long story, or at least he could make it long.

"Alright, so, me and Mask. There's a story behind that,
for sure. Happened when I was fourteen years old. It was about this time of
year. We had a shit fall that year, don't know if you remember, or if you were
even in the area then. Just fucking cold, and wet, and dark all the time. And I
was getting real fuckin' desperate, you know, I'd gone a couple days without
eating and I always did riskier things when I was hungry.

"I went for a mark that I wouldn't normally. I could
tell it was a bad idea but I did it anyway. He was a sorcerer, a real
fancy-looking one, too. Rich. I'd be eating for weeks if I nicked his purse.
Didn't much care knowing he could fry me if it went wrong, 'cause I had a big
head and knew I was gonna get away with it."

He paused, and smiled. "Alright. You go."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel stopped, thinking for a moment. Goro was -- around
thirty? A little younger than himself, he thought. When he was fourteen, Hansel
probably would've been seventeen or so. Might've been in Skyport, then,
actually, trying to find passage onto his first merchant vessel. Strange to
think about.

"Sorcerer wasn't Mishka, was it?" he commented,
offhand. "All right. Shit, what else did you want to know? Farmers in a
village of farmers, all humans. I got tired of being fuckin' stared at and
left. Never went back." He scratched at his beard. "Not much to
it."

**Lina:**

 "Wanted to know about your parents," Goro said,
careful not to phrase it as a question. "But that's a start. I'll give you
a little more."

He shifted around on the couch, getting into a more
comfortable position. "Nah, the sorcerer wasn't Mishka. Human fella. I got
his purse, but he saw me with it when I was only a few feet away, and he
started following me. We were in a crowd at first and I thought I could lose
him. It was getting dark and there were lots of people out, getting a bite to
eat. I slipped into an alleyway, and it was dark. There was no way he was gonna
see me with his human eyes, right?

"Fucking wrong. 'Course he had a cantrip that lit the
place up, and he saw me scooting out the end of the alley and came right after
me. By then I was on a side street and it was fucking deserted, so there was no
one between me and him. 'Little half-elf,' he called. 'Come here. I want to
talk to you.' Yeah fuckin' right. I still had his money. I started running, and
he ran too. Ducked into another alleyway, and he followed me. I was in that
part of town by the market square where there's all those little narrow alleys
with stairways, you know what I mean? Fucking maze, if Skyport ever had one.
And god, I was fucking terrified. 'Come here, little half-elf. Come heeeere.'
No matter how many turns I took I swear, he was always right fucking behind me.

"And then—and then. I hit a dead end." Once again,
he stopped, smiling. "Your turn, beautiful."

**Izzy:**

 "For fucksake, Goro," Hansel said, without
thinking about it, "you fuckin' rehearse this? That's goddamn
disturbing." He took a drink. He wanted to ask why Goro was so fucking
interested in his parents, but that'd be another question.

He considered for a second. "I don't know, I don't have
a dramatic fuckin' story, here. Never asked my mom about the orc that knocked
her up. Seemed like a bad fuckin' idea. She married my stepdad just before I
was born. They didn't really ..." How to put it? "Eh, actually give a
shit about each other. It was business -- needed more hands to work the farm.
Half-orcs grow up fast, so I was -- y'know, useful for that." He paused.
Thought about chopping down trees. "Broke a lot of shit, though. Got
yelled at for it. Not my mom, she -- time I was old enough to work, she had
another kid to take care of, so." He shrugged. "Stepdad told me what
to do, and I did it, 'til I left."

Goro'd called him beautiful. And he'd said something before,
about his face being pretty. What the fuck was that?

"Now tell me the fuckin' story, jackass. No
cliffhangers."

**Lina:**

 Huh. It didn't sound like an idyllic childhood or anything,
but Goro was expecting to hear worse based on what Jonn had said. He didn't
know if Hansel was holding something back, or if Jonn had exaggerated. They
seemed equally likely. Ah well.

Goro nodded, and started up again. "So. There I was,
making a wrong turn, and I was stuck. Aw, fuck me, I thought. I'm fucking dead.
I could hear his footsteps coming right up to the alley entrance I was in. And
straight ahead nothing but a fucking brick wall. There were some garbage bins,
and one of them was tipped over, just a bunch of shit strewn all over the
ground. And there was this one thing—a mask. Like the kind of thing you'd wear
to a masquerade ball, covered in black velvet, but it was old and the velvet
was wearing away in places, and it had a couple cracks in it. Even so, I came
to a stop in front of that mask, and I stared down at it, and a funny thing
happened.

"A lot of clerics, they'll tell you they heard the
voice of their god speaking to them. Wasn't like that with me. I didn't hear a
voice, I just got a gut feeling. Really strong gut feeling, though. Like I've
never been more certain of anything before or since. I just knew, like I know
the sky's fucking blue, that if I picked that mask up and put it on, the
sorcerer wouldn't be able to recognize me.

"So, you know, that's what I fucking did. I grabbed
that thing off the ground, and I sat down against the brick wall, and I held
the mask up to my face—the ribbons were frayed, I couldn't even tie it on. I
just held it there. And I held my breath and I didn't move a muscle. The
sorcerer came into the alley. 'Little half-elf, where aaaare yooou?' He kinda
took a few steps in, looking around." Goro acted it out, sweeping his head
from side to side. He could still see it so clear in his mind. "Had his
light cantrip going still and everything. And he—it seemed like he noticed me.
I was so fucking scared, I thought my heart was gonna explode. He walked up to
me, and looked down to where I was sitting, and he looked me right in the
eye."

Goro leaned forward, looking Hansel straight in the eye.
"But he seemed confused." A pause, just for the drama of it.
"And then, he looked away. 'Little half-elf? Where did you go?' He turned
in circles and poked around the alley a bit. Then he gave up, and he left. And
I never saw him again."

Goro settled back against the couch. "I hung onto the
mask for a while, after that. I thought hey, great, magic mask. But I kept
trying it on again, and I'd ask people, hey, can you see me right now? And
they'd say yeah, you dumb fuck, I can see you. And one time I held it up to my
face on a busy street to see if I'd turn invisible, and people just kept
yelling at me to get out of the way. So, I don't know what the fuck was going
on with that mask. Eventually it got stolen, which seems appropriate. One of
the precepts of Mask is that people ought to take what they need. And I figure
someone else must've needed it." He shrugged. Thought for a second.
"You said you had a little brother."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel listened to the story intently, amused by the
dramatics but still troubled by ... basically all of the rest of it. Goro had
said something about being an orphan, growing up on the streets -- Hansel
couldn't remember if he'd gone into much more detail than that, before.
Probably hadn't. It was fucked up -- Jonn had lived on the streets of Skyport
as a thief for about two years, and he'd told Hansel some shit. Did it with a
blank face, like it didn't matter. Like Goro covering the terror with
theatrics. Like Mishka's pirate stories -- how they sounded like grand romantic
adventures, but Hansel had fucking been there, and they fucking hadn't been.

"Yeah," he said briefly, still thinking.
"Leigh. Seven years younger." I abandoned him. "Sickly. Couldn't
work." He took a drink. "Was that a question?"

**Lina:**

 "Nah, that was a statement. You know, it's a question
to ask me if something's a question." Goro smiled faintly. Damn, he wanted
to ask more about the brother. Hansel was holding something back, something
painful, from what Goro could tell. But god, there was so fucking much he
wanted to know about Hansel, in general. It was too damn hard to narrow it
down.

The notes, he was definitely going to save a question for.
But that could come last.

So, what did that leave for question number two? Goro
considered tricking Hansel into telling him more, without using a question--the
old "say something incorrect and the other person will correct you"
trick ought to do it. I seem to recall you telling me your brother was dead,
instead of Is your brother still alive? But... didn't feel right, tricking
Hansel that way. Goro supposed he'd just have to ask him like a normal person,
sometime. Or maybe they could play the game again. Double round.

"How'd you become a pirate?"

**Izzy:**

 Hansel laughed. "Yeah, okay."

At least that was actually a story. He shifted, getting more
comfortable. "After I left home, I wandered around a bit, then ended up in
Skyport. I was sixteen -- grown, for a half-orc, pretty big anyway. Had ended
up with some scars, fuckin' scruffy from living out in the woods. Seemed I was
good at looking fuckin' scary." He shrugged. It was just the tusks, and
the scars, and the size of him. He hadn't had to work at it. "Didn't really
know how to fight that well, but I managed to get a job on this merchant ship
-- supposed to protect them from pirates and shit. Me and this knight. Anyway,
he got himself killed when -- y'know, there were fucking pirates. I decided to
join'em instead."

He thought about Taavit and rubbed at the back of his neck.

"I mean, I fuckin' tried, I didn't just fucking flip on
the merchants. There was this tiefling, though, killer with a trident --
knocked me out instead of offing me. It was join their crew or go
overboard." Another shrug. "Turned out it suited me. Freedom, y'know?
Just seemed easier to keep being a pirate."

He'd thought of a question, but he didn't know if he wanted
to ask it. Waited a beat to see if Goro was going to follow up with another question
about the pirate thing, giving himself a second more to consider it.

**Lina:**

 "Hm." Goro nodded, and smiled. He liked that
story. It sounded very Hansel-ish, somehow. "Well, thank you to that
tiefling, whoever he was, for sparing you." He stopped himself before
asking what, exactly, had led Hansel to Mishka and his crew. Another time, if
he wanted to hear the story at all. "You got another question?"

**Izzy:**

 "Hm. Maybe." He thought about cushioning it with
you don't have to answer and I won't make you drink. Last time this had come
up, Hansel had made Goro cry. He didn't really want to do that again. "You
asked about my parents." He knew a bit about Goro's mother -- the one
that'd given birth to him, not the two he had now -- about as much as Goro
himself did, it seemed like. "You don't know who your dad is. Do you ...
want to?" He rephrased. "I mean, do you wish you did?"

**Lina:**

 Goro drew back unconsciously, smile fading. "Uh.
What?" C'mon, he told himself, it had been a simple question. "I
don't... really see why it matters. Not like I'd be able to find him, even if I
wanted to." Still, there had to be an answer. "I don't know. He
must've been something of a jackass, to go and knock my mother up and not stick
around."

Maybe that was where Goro got it. The jackass part. He
wondered about that kind of thing, sometimes, when he heard other people
talking to each other about the things they'd inherited. Where do you get your
eyes, Goro? And those cheekbones? And that utter disregard for the feelings of
other people?

He tugged on one of his ears, not thinking about it. "I
guess."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel winced at the reaction. Yeah. Fair. Well -- fucking
Goro had asked him about his bullshit first. Still, though. His instinct was to
offer the flask, but he guessed that wasn't helpful to someone who didn't drink
unless they were bullied into it.

"Yeah. I mean, you've got a better chance than I've
got," he offered. "Orcs don't live that long. Probably both pieces of
shit anyway, eh?" He took a drink himself. "Good thing you had Amari,
at least. Sorry for bringing it up. I'm not that fuckin' good at this game."

**Lina:**

 "I don't mind. You can ask me anything." He caught
himself before blurting out something like I want you to know everything about
me, because what the hell was that? Creepy, is what it was.

They were down to their third questions. Goro had a bad
feeling that his was going to bring up some nasty shit. So he hesitated.
"You go again. I haven't thought up a third question yet."

**Izzy:**

 "All right. Uh." He considered. There was some
shit he'd thought of, but it was probably more 'real conversation' shit than
'playing a game' shit. "Fuck, I don't have anything either." What was
something simple? He could ask why Goro didn't drink. He probably just didn't
care to -- that'd be easy.

Or he could ask -- how do you feel about my husband?

Or -- how do you feel about me?

Or -- do you have any fucking concept of how I feel about
you?

"I dunno." He started to be a coward and just go
with the drinking thing, but nah. "All right -- I'm gonna take you on a
fuckin' date, where do you wanna go?"

**Lina:**

 "Uh. Ah, shit. I've never been on a date in my life,
you know that? Where do people normally go on dates?"

**Izzy:**

 Hansel shrugged. "I don't fuckin' know. Pirate dates
usually involving stealing shit or killing people or something." He
grinned. "Was that your last question?"

**Lina:**

 "No." Goro scowled, waving him off. He tried to
picture him and Hansel going out somewhere, enjoying each other's company or
whatever. Doing an activity. "I don't fucking know. Sometimes when I go
into Skyport, they arrest me and try to sacrifice me to Bane. So something that
would avoid that. God, I don't know. You could just... show me something you
like to do."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel tried to think about things he liked to do. He'd been
enjoying clearing out the field, but that wasn't exactly a date thing.
Sparring? Didn't appeal. Taking Goro into Glimmerton to get into a barfight?
Probably not. Most of the time when Hansel was having a good time it was just
because he was with Mishka, or with one of his kids, or with fuckin' Goro. That
wasn't how dates worked, though.

They could go into town and Hansel could rent a little skiff
and take him sailing. Go off the coast a ways, find somewhere secluded to pull
ashore -- take a meal along, have a fucking picnic on the beach. God, that
sounded nice. He wondered if he could actually do it. Maybe if -- the weather
was good enough. Maybe.

"Yeah, great fuckin' date, you can watch me sharpen my
trident," he grumbled. "I dunno. Don't turn this around on me,
motherfucker, you gotta answer or drink."

**Lina:**

 "Fine. I want to go... somewhere with a nice view.
Somewhere high up." Goro had no idea where that'd fucking be, but Hansel
had been to a lot more places than him. He might know of something.

**Izzy:**

 "All right." He scratched his beard, thinking.
"I'll find something." There were maps in the war room. He'd look
over them. Something not too far away -- maybe somewhere they could sail to,
after all. "Last question, chatichi?"

**Lina:**

 Fuck it all. They were having a nice time. But Goro was
gonna go fucking crazy if he didn't find out more about what Jonn had told him.

The question itself would require him to tell Hansel more of
what had happened that night, when Jonn showed up and wanted to talk to him.
There was no telling how Hansel would take all of it. Maybe he'd laugh it off,
and have an easy explanation. Maybe he'd get pissed. Maybe he'd leave.

Goro didn't want that, but hell, it'd be good to know. What
things he could say that would push Hansel into leaving.

He pretended to think a while. He stared into space, running
a hand through his hair. Still so damn short. Not enough of a distraction. He
needed to get this over with. Wondering how it'd turn out was almost worse than
the worst case scenario. Almost.

Finally he looked up, and looked Hansel dead in the eye.
"Did Mishka send you letters to try and goad you into killing
yourself?"

**Izzy:**

 Hansel's face fell. He leaned away from Goro, staring at him
in hurt disbelief. "N-No. I ... What the fuck, Goro?"

He sure as fuck hadn't mentioned the notes. He couldn't
think of any fucking reason Mishka would have, and even if he had -- that
wasn't what had happened. Mishka wouldn't've said it that way. Hansel would
have, a few months ago, and -- Jonn would. He still fucking would. Fuck.

"I thought we were playing a fucking game," he
said quietly, looking away.

**Lina:**

 Shit. That hadn't been the reaction he was expecting. What
the hell to make of that?

Seemed to late now to back out.

"We are," Goro said. "And the rules are you
have to answer honestly. So answer honestly." He crossed his arms to stop
himself from fidgeting, or getting up and pacing.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel turned back to give him a sharp look. "Fuck
you." He turned up his flask and emptied it, then tossed it at Goro. He'd
been so goddamn relaxed a second ago, thinking about how lovely it'd be to
spend a day with this motherfucker, and now he was just tense. "How about
a fucking bonus round." What was it like being hosted by Diva? How does
that fucking feel, Goro? Bad? Fuck you.

"What else did my fuckin' son tell you about? He tell
you about how I kept him awake for a month straight fucking screaming in my
sleep? He tell you he had to take every goddamn sharp object around away from
me? He tell you he had to fuck an innkeeper to get me a job? What else do you
wanna know about the worst fucking thing that's ever happened to me, huh? Why
don't you fucking ask him?"

Hansel shoved himself up and paced across the room, jaw
clenched. He didn't want to leave. But he was so fucking angry. He couldn't
even tell which of them he was pissed at -- Jonn for talking about this shit,
or Goro for asking, or Mishka for doing it him, or himself for getting hurt
about it.

**Lina:**

 Goro had every part of his body clenched so tight, he might
have snapped his own bones if he moved too fast. Instead he moved carefully,
peeling himself off the couch and creeping closer to Hansel, teeth sawing back
and forth against each other. "Then tell me why," he said lowly,
having to pause for breath, "he's still fucking breathing, and why you're
sleeping in his fucking bed."

His fingers twitched. He still had a knife strapped to his
ankle. He'd give Hansel a chance to answer the question, and then he was
fucking going to find Mishka.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel rounded on him, glaring, taking a step closer to look
down at him. "Don't act like you fucking know what you're talking
about," he said lowly. Fucking Jonn. Yeah. He was definitely pissed at
fucking Jonn the most.

"Mishka's not -- fucking responsible for the storm. He
doesn't control the goddamn weather. He wanted --." He bit it back, jaw
clenching again out of his control, and looked away for a second, then back,
voice a little more even. "When I came back to Skyport, and everyone else
was fucking dead, and I was fucking -- ruined -- he sent me these letters. He
tried -- to get me to -- let him help me. And I thought --." Fuck fuck
fuck. "I thought he was fucking with me. I thought he was just -- trying
to fucking hurt me. And it fucking -- did, but -- I never talked to him, I
didn't fucking want to, I didn't know he actually meant it."

The anger was bleeding out of him. He didn't want to think
about this. Didn't want to talk about it. It was bad enough, just having to
talk with Mishka about it. It wasn't any of Goro's goddamn business.

"Jonn doesn't -- he doesn't fucking know that. I didn't
know it 'til -- after Diva. We both thought --." He gestured vaguely,
disgusted at himself, not knowing why. "It doesn't fucking matter. We were
wrong."

Hans, come home, Mishka had written, after breaking their
fucking home. You know he's full of shit, Jonn had said, and he wasn't wrong.

He wanted to fucking sit down. He wanted to leave. He wanted
Goro against his chest, and he wanted to hug his kid for still trying to
protect him, even though he kept doing it in the wrong fucking way, and he
wanted to bury his face against Mishka's hair and calm down. He wanted to stop
having to fucking deal with this shit. He wanted to forget any of it had ever
happened.

**Lina:**

 Hell, this wasn't making the picture any clearer than when
Jonn had given his version of the story. Goro could just... drop it now, let it
be murky.

And what, try to pretend everything was normal next time he
saw Mishka?

"So, ah..." Goro clenched his fists a couple
times. He looked up into Hansel's face, unwilling to take a step back.
"You're telling me he didn't send you notes telling you you deserved to
die alone? 'Cause to me that sounds like a far cry from trying to help
you."

**Izzy:**

 It was unfortunate that Hansel couldn't fucking lie to save
his life, because that would have made this a lot fucking easier. He ground his
teeth instead, and muttered, "Fuck you," and shoved past Goro,
knocking into his shoulder roughly as he passed.

He could just fucking keep going. Find Mishka in this
goddamn needlessly large castle and drag him to his room, lean against him and
cry into his shoulder again. But Mishka would ask him what what wrong, and who
he had to kill to make Hansel feel better, and Hansel wouldn't know what to
fucking say, then.

He sat down heavily on the couch, leaning over to put his
head in his hands. He knew he had to handle this, but he didn't fucking know
how to -- he didn't think there was any good way to say, The love of my life
thought I was a monster, too. He wanted to hurt me so I'd hurt him back and
prove it. And I didn't, and he hates himself for ever thinking it, and I never
cared because I love him too fucking much, and the exact second he stopped
hurting me, I kissed him.

Instead, he took a long, slow, shaking breath, and didn't
say anything.

**Lina:**

 It was agonizingly clear that Goro was hurting Hansel by
asking him about this, and every time he pushed it, it just twisted the knife
deeper. Skyport's shittiest cleric, is what he was, doing more harm than good.

But... fuck. If Mishka had done it, if Mishka had tormented
him on purpose, Goro felt like he should fucking know about it. That was a
fucking issue to be dealt with. Or at least it must have a good explanation
behind it.

"I have a right to know," he began, and then
stopped himself. It was exactly what he'd said to Kelpie, about Nixie, right
before Nixie told him off and left him.

**Izzy:**

 "No, you fucking don't," Hansel said. His voice
broke.

**Lina:**

 "Why the fuck not?" Goro wanted to go to him, hold
him, try to make it better, but he was shit at all that, and Hansel had felt
like he was about to hit him earlier, which would be fair. "Why the fuck
don't I get to know what he did to you, when I have to stand back and watch you
go back to him over and over again? Would you let me do that, Hansel, go be all
lovey-fucking-dovey with someone who might've made my life hell?"

Oh, fuck, that was a dangerous question. Fuck, he wished he
could pull that one back in.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel folded over himself the rest of the way, dropping his
forehead to his knees and covering his head. His shoulders shook. He'd been
having such a nice fucking evening.

**Lina:**

 Goro lunged forward and landed on his knees in front of
Hansel. He put his hands on Hansel's shoulders and squeezed them desperately.
Let Hansel hit him, if he wanted to. Or bite him, or whatever the fuck.

"I'll drop it, alright? I'll fucking drop it. I just--
Hansel. Hansel. I'm sorry. Look at me."

December 14, 2018

**Izzy:** at 12:05 AM

Hansel wanted to growl, Get away from me. Don't fucking
touch me. Don't you fucking think about spelling me.

He wanted to ask, What the fuck is wrong with you that you
can say you love me, and that you want to help me, but you keep doing shit that
you know hurts me?

He wanted to promise, If you keep pushing me I'm going to
snap your fucking neck like an axe handle.

He couldn't tell if he actually wanted Goro to touch him
right now or not. Just a moment ago, he had, but fuck -- the hands on him felt
spiked, and he tensed involuntarily, pulling his shoulders in. He had to ...
stay in fucking control of this. He swallowed and tried for a deep breath, but
it caught in his throat like he was fucking choking, and the rest came out in a
broken sigh.

"You don't get to fucking do this," he muttered.
"You don't get to fucking -- say shit about my husband like you fucking
care what's best for me, and then keep fucking dredging up shit that you know
fucks me up, and pushing, and being a fucking asshole about it when I don't
wanna fucking talk. I keep trying to make you happy, and you keep fucking doing
this shit to me. You can keep your fucking sorry."

He straightened and shoved Goro away from him with one hand
-- too hard, he realized too late -- sending him sprawling onto the floor.
Automatically wanted to apologize. Stared him down, instead, with eyes that had
long since welled up and spilled over.

"I don't want to leave this fucking room," he went
on, through grit teeth. "Because I want to fucking be with you, and talk
to you, and touch you, but you're making it really fuckin' difficult,
Goro."

**Lina:** at 2:46 PM

"But... I..." He didn't manage to muster up more
than a whisper. "I said I'd drop it." He made no move to get up off
the floor. Didn't think he'd be able to, even if he wanted to.

Now he was really at a fucking loss. He knew he'd been
pushing too far, but even now, offering to stop, he was doing the wrong thing
somehow. He didn't know why that surprised him. "That's... what I do."
He let out a faint, unhappy laugh. "Make things difficult. I don't think I
could stop if I tried. I'm just... being me." It hurt to swallow. Throat
too tight. "I don't know who it is you want to be with and touch and talk
to, but I don't think it's me."

All he'd wanted was to make sure Hansel was okay, and in
doing so he'd been the one to hurt him. That was fucked up. That was real
fucked up. And he didn't have a damn clue how to keep from doing it again. He
wanted to learn, but who the fuck was gonna show him? Who taught the lessons on
how to avoid fucking up the people you loved?

**Izzy:** at 3:22 PM

He was doing the thing he'd done before, at the gazebo --
deflecting, talking shit about himself. Hansel thought it was different this
time, though. Before it'd come across like he was trying to remind Hansel that
they'd both done stupid, horrible things, and had no need to judge each other.

What he was doing now was just -- fucking whining.

Hansel stood up, and grabbed Goro's arms to drag him off the
floor and up to eye level. "No. Fuck you." His voice was low, still
shaking slightly "You can't -- do fucked up shit to people and then get
out of it by saying that's just who you fuckin' are. You can fucking do better.
I've seen you fucking do it, you piece of shit." His jaw tightened, and he
muttered, "You're just not fucking doing it for me."

He dropped him, letting him find his own feet or not, and
turned to leave. Difficult to storm out of a place when you had to stop and
undo half a dozen locks on the way out, but it did give him another second to
think, and he paused in the door, taking a deep breath.

"Goro, I love you, and we can talk later, but I cannot
look at your fucking face right now."

Then he pushed away from the frame, leaving the door open.
Kitchen. Whiskey. Maybe he'd see Mishka along the way, but probably not. Fuck,
he'd left his flask on Goro's goddamn couch. Well, he sure as hell wasn't going
back for it now.

**Lina:** at 8:43 PM

Goro didn't try to catch himself when Hansel dropped him. He
slumped to the floor, like a rag doll. Rolled onto his stomach, put his face in
his arms and started crying. Just--fucking--sobbing, choking on his own
breaths, gasping when he could think to lift his face up.

When he was out of tears, but still sniveling and whimpering
like a fucking baby, he pushed himself onto all fours. He crawled to his door
and kicked it shut, then crawled to his desk and dragged himself back up,
grabbing for a clean sheet of paper on the way.

Don't try to find me, he scrawled. He was going to stick it
on his door. Then he decided that was presumptuous, like anyone would try to
find him anyway. Well, they might--that seemed to be how they were--but still,
taking for granted that it would happen just made him sound like more of an
asshole. He scribbled the words out and wrote, I'm gone, because that was straightforward
and factual.

He'd have to send an apology note to Larkin, he decided.
Tell her to find him if she ever decided to visit Calimport.

Maybe he should apologize to Ripley, too, since he knew she
relied on him a lot. Wasn't like she couldn't find someone else to do that
political shit for her, though. Hell, fucking Mishka could do it.

And Amari--fuck, running away was starting to add up to a
lot of notes to write. Maybe he could just fucking vanish without a word to
anyone. Maybe they'd think he'd died, and then they couldn't have sore feelings
over that.

Nah. A scrying spell would tell them he was alive, and where
he was. There he went again, assuming they'd look for him. But they probably
would.

Goro, I love you, and we can talk later, he'd said. He
wouldn't say that shit if he didn't mean it. Generally if you wanted someone to
go fuck themselves you just told them to go fuck themselves; you didn't try to
spare their feelings. Goro leaned over and rested his forehead against the
desk, tears burning his eyes again. (They hadn't all run out? Really?)

You can do better, you're just not fucking doing it for me.

Amari told him the same damn thing--usually with fewer curse
words, and not so personal, but the You can do better part.

"This is just how I am," he used to tell her.

"It isn't," she'd say. "Who you are is
precious and gentle, with the capacity for boundless love." (Then he'd
snort at that, of course.) "It's what you do that can change, when you're
ready."

Nah. What he did was who he was, he told her. One day she
walked him out to a beach and made him sit in front of a little creek that ran
into the bay, and she told him to meditate on this one spot where the water
flowed and splashed into a little whirlpool. Made him sit there for a fucking
hour. And at the end she finally told him why, but her answer pissed him off.
"The water is you," she told him.

"I fucking hate you," he said.

"The place you were watching, does it look the same as
when you started?"

"Sure fucking does."

"But did it change?"

"No, it fucking didn't." But he thought some more,
because he was used to her stupid riddles, as much as he hated them.
"Well, yeah, it fucking did, it was changing all the time."

"See?" she said, looking so pleased, like she'd
nabbed him. "It's you. Always the same, but ever changing."

"I don't fucking get it."

"You will, someday."

Now, he sucked in a breath and sat up, startled. His eyes
were dry and his face felt tight. Had he fallen asleep?

He was shivering. He got up and put on his shirt and robe,
socks and shoes. Then he sat on his couch, half sitting on Hansel's flask,
which he'd forgotten was there. He picked it up and fiddled with it.

God, if he did run away, he just... wanted Hansel to know
how much he regretted it. How much he regretted hurting him, and being a shit.

His hands went still.

Oh.

That was fuckin' it. That was it. God, how had this never
fucking occurred to him before? I'm an unrepentant shit, he'd told people.
Well, maybe it was the fucking unrepentant part that was the problem. Maybe he
could fucking apologize not for how he was, but for what he did.

"Fuck," he screamed, and he threw the flask, just
for something to throw. It crashed into his altar and knocked over one of the
candles, and he had to rush over to pick it up before it started a fire.
"Fuck," he said again, quieter. "That's it, right?" Like
Amari was in the room, and he could check with her.

As he pushed out into the hall, flask in hand, he thought
dimly about how this probably wasn't going to fix anything. Hansel wasn't gonna
fucking forgive him. But he wanted to do it anyway, just so Hansel knew. Maybe
that was the whole fucking point. Maybe that was why people apologized. Shit.
God. Had Amari been trying to tell him this kind of thing all along, and he
just wasn't paying attention?

He needed some goddamn air, so once he went down he went
out, onto the walkway that led to the tower. He leaned his elbows on the
railing and looked straight down, the drop making his head spin.

Then he pulled back. He wasn't going to go hunting Hansel
down. Hansel was probably with Mishka, and that--fuck. No. That would have to
wait.

He used magic to send him a message, instead. Please come.
I'm on the tower walkway.

And that was all. Hansel might not come. Goro might have to
write him a damn letter, after all.

**Izzy:** at 10:22 PM

After Hansel left Goro's room, he wandered down to the
kitchen and grabbed the whiskey he'd bought in Glimmerton. He hadn't bumped
into anyone in the way, but staying in the castle at all seemed too much like a
risk.

Mishka would ask him what was wrong. So would Nixie. Roddy
probably would, even if he was upset with him. Even Gwydion probably would.
These motherfuckers and their giving a shit.

So he went outside instead. It was getting fucking cold, but
he wasn't going back in for his coat at this point. He crossed through the
courtyard and went over by the boathouse, and sat down heavily to look out
across the lake, and over time, he emptied a good three-quarters of the bottle.

He ignored the fact that he was crying, because it was
fucking stupid. He should have known better than to let his guard down so much,
and so fucking fast. He did know what Goro was like.

Say, Hansel, what kind of meat is this?

He sighed and closed his eyes and leaned his head against
the boathouse.

I'm supposed to be able to help. I'm a healer. It's my job.

I wanted to see if you're okay.

It's all right. It's all right. Whatever it is, it's all
right.

I want to help you. I love you. Know that you heard that,
and know that it's true. I love you.

Fuckin' Goro. He rubbed at his face and downed the rest of
the bottle. Fuckin' Goro.

The voice startled him. He recognized it as that same spell
Roddy had used to keep in touch from Skyport, but it was Goro instead. Said
please. Well, Hansel had told him they could talk later, and he was drained
enough and drunk enough that he figured he could handle it.

Took him a moment, though. Stumbling to his feet and making
it back inside -- through the sunroom, into the kitchen, where he stopped to
guzzle some water and force down some half-stale bread. Leaned against the
counter for a bit, head in his hands. Did he actually want to do this? No, what
he actually wanted to do was fucking go to bed. When he woke up he'd be mad
again, probably, and cold. And that'd be easier. He'd shut Goro out -- shut
Roddy out -- Nixie too, and she hadn't even done anything, but she might. He
fuckin' loved that kid. Meant she could use it against him. They were all
fucking dangerous.

He sniffled. He couldn't do that, though. He knew better.
He'd told Goro I love you, and we can talk later, and it was later now, so they
were going to fucking talk. He pushed up from the counter and on through the
castle, up the fucking stairs -- up a bit further, into his room to grab his
coat. Tugged it on as he went back down, past the library.

Without letting himself think too much about it, he pushed
the door open and stepped onto the bridge. It'd taken him a while to show, he
knew, but Goro was still there. Fuck, Hansel wanted to hug him. He just --
always fucking did. He stayed a few paces away, instead, arms crossed, and
waited to see what Goro had to say. He was too tired and buzzed to start the
conversation himself.

**Lina:** at 10:35 PM

Goro watched Hansel, while clinging to the railing still
with both hands. Like it was keeping him afloat, and he'd drown if he let go.

He'd forgotten everything he was going to say. So he just
kept staring, and shaking, which he could blame on the cold but probably not.
His knees felt liquidy. He leaned more of his weight into his hands, gripping
for dear life.

"I... I'm sorry." Just a hoarse whisper. And there
was more. Fuck, there'd been more.

**Izzy:** at 10:51 PM

Hansel didn't want to fucking feel bad for him, but he did.
He wavered in place a little, but kept himself from stepping any closer.

"Yeah. You said."

**Lina:** at 10:57 PM

"I'm sorry," he said again, trying to remember.
Not I'm sorry for how I am. "I'm sorry for... what I did." Ah fuck,
fuck, he was crying again. "I'm sorry I hurt you." He was straining
to talk, and shuddering all over now. "I didn't mean to make you... relive
it, or... I don't know, I just wanted to..."

He sank down, curling up on himself. He couldn't fucking
breathe. He held a finger up to make Hansel wait while he got his shit
together, and kept sobbing. It was unbelievable how bad it hurt, knowing he'd hurt
Hansel. That warding bond he'd cast back in the driders' cave, that was fuck
all compared to this.

**Izzy:** at 11:10 PM

"Ah, fuck. Fuck, Goro." He couldn't just -- stand
there. He closed the distance between them and dropped down to wrap Goro up
tightly, whether he liked it or not. "Look, it's -- it's not okay, but I
forgive you. All right? I love you. Don't cry." He kissed Goro's hair and
shushed him and rocked him gently. He was going to start fucking crying again
too, at this rate, and wouldn't they be a fucking pair then.

**Lina:** at 11:15 PM

"I wasn't done," Goro wailed. Fuckin'... first
good apology he was ever gonna give and he couldn't even get through it, he
just kept choking on his own spit. "I just--wanted--to let you know,"
he said, gasping for air, "in case I leave--" a few more blubbering
sobs-- "I really meant it when I said I love you. I do. I'm sorry. I
didn't want to hurt you. I want to be better." Not be. Not be. Do. "I
want to do better."

**Izzy:** at 11:23 PM

Ah, yep. Yep. Now Hansel was crying too. Goddammit. Fuckin'
Goro. He held on tighter. "Don't you fucking dare leave. Don't you fucking
dare. Fuck you."

**Lina:** at 11:28 PM

"I don't think I can." He tried squirming out of
Hansel's hold. "Yeah, I'm stuck." He let out a noise that might have
been a laugh or another sob, or both. Just... fucking feelings.

**Izzy:** at 11:32 PM

"Good," Hansel muttered against his hair.
"For fucksake, Goro, you can't just fuckin' ... threaten to leave any time
you're upset." He sniffled. All right, he was going to say this.
"Mishka left me, you know? The first person I loved fucking ... died right
next to me. Don't fucking say you're gonna leave unless you fuckin' mean it. It
fucks me up."

**Lina:** at 11:41 PM

Goro squirmed again, this time just so he could pull back
and look Hansel in the eye. He put a hand on Hansel's cheek. "Well, I...
won't leave, then." But he couldn't help adding, "Unless you want me
to. You say you don't now, but give it time." He cracked a smile and tried
to laugh, but what came out was more of a wheeze, and fresh tears to his eyes.

Seriously, how could there be that much fucking water in his
body?

**Izzy:** at 11:54 PM

"Goro, I swear to god. Shut the fuck up." Hansel
pulled him back in. Just wanted to be close to him. I'm sorry I hurt you. I
really meant it when I said I love you. I didn't want to hurt you. I want to be
better. I want to do better.

He lifted an arm behind Goro's back to wipe a sleeve across
his face. "All right. All right. Listen, I'm gonna fuckin' hold you to
this doing better thing."

December 15, 2018

**Lina:** at 12:02 AM

Well, that was fucking terrifying. Goro gave it a day,
maybe, before he fucked everything up again.

But he kept that thought to himself, because the alternative
was just giving up, and that'd mean losing Hansel probably, and shit, he'd
known what he was fucking signing up for, hadn't he? He'd let happiness hit him
like a fucking brick to the head, instead of dodging and staying safe. He
accepted the fucking challenge of being happy, he guessed, and now he was going
to have to work hard.

"'Kay," he said. He sniffled and snorted. Fluids
out of every orifice. God. "I love you."

**Izzy:** at 12:03 AM

"I love you," Hansel said softly.

**Lina:** at 12:17 AM

Goro shut the fuck up like Hansel asked, for a while. Didn't
let himself ask how Hansel could forgive him so easily. Didn't demand to know
why Hansel kept putting up with him, or if he was really sure he loved Goro.
Hansel holding him tight spoke for itself, didn't it? Or at least it should
have. There was that bad-at-accepting-affection thing, again. He'd learn,
someday. Maybe.

He did feel himself relaxing, coming down from the panicked
high of facing his fuck-up head on and apologizing. And as he grew more calm,
the thing that had been bugging him, the thing that had started all of this,
came into sharp focus once again.

He couldn't fucking ask. That much was clear. He was gonna
have to ask Mishka, for fuck's sake. Ask Mishka, who was certain to leave something
out, who was going to be fucking impossible to read like always, probably raise
more questions than answers...

It all came back to one thing. The reason Goro had kept
pushing even though--ah, fuck, he could just fucking throw up now, thinking
back on it--even though Hansel had been tormented by it, was that he wanted to
make sure Hansel was okay. That he was safe. Goro had thought that was his
fucking business to know, but apparently not.

But... but. There was another way to put it.

Because he was close with Mishka, too. It did concern him,
oh yes it did.

"Hansel," he breathed. He licked his lips. "I
need to ask you something. But I--" He felt the instantaneous response,
Hansel tensing up again. "I'm not going to... do what I did before. It's a
different question. And I'll... trust your answer, no matter what it is."

Careful wording, there. He'd trust it in the sense that he
knew Hansel would believe his answer was the truth. Whether Goro believed it,
well. He'd wait and see.

**Izzy:** at 12:21 AM

Hansel closed his eyes and sighed. Didn't relax his hold on
Goro or pull away at all. "Yeah, all right."

**Lina:** at 12:22 AM

"This is my business to know," he began. Hansel's
eyes were closed, he didn't like that. "Look at me."

**Izzy:** at 12:23 AM

His jaw tightened a bit, but he shifted away enough to look
Goro in the eyes, guarded.

**Lina:** at 12:24 AM

"Should I... trust Mishka?"

**Izzy:** at 12:43 AM

Hansel was quiet for a while.

The thing was -- the thing was that Hansel had trusted
Mishka. Implicitly. For years, even before they'd been together, and even more
strongly afterwards. And their marriage hadn't even lasted a year before Mishka
fucking broke him. He understood why, now. It still fucking hurt, but he
understood. He also understood that if Mishka had just trusted him back, they
could have dealt with things together, without Mishka wrecking their life
together and taking everything that Hansel had.

He'd thought it wouldn't hurt that much. He'd thought he was
doing what was best for Hansel, and he'd done it so fucking carefully,
surgically, but he'd missed things, and it'd meant he'd just sliced open an
artery instead and then left Hansel behind to bleed out.

Hansel remembered what Mishka had said, back on the ship --
how he hadn't considered that killing himself would be leaving Hansel. Of
course it fucking would be. Of course it fucking would be. He just didn't
always seem to realize this shit.

"I don't know," he said finally. "I trust
him. But I --." He hesitated. "I probably shouldn't've, always. He --
fucks things up. He doesn't think ahead. He doesn't notice shit. And he gets
overwhelmed and -- he leaves." He thought for a second. "I -- I love
him so goddamn much, and he finally believes me, I think, and I trust him to
not hurt me again, but -- I don't fuckin' know if anyone else should. But
listen," he added quickly, bringing a hand up to graze his curled fingers
against Goro's cheek, "if he does something that fucks you up, you can
come to me, all right? I'm not just gonna take his side. I ... I know what he's
like."

**Lina:** at 12:53 AM

Hell, that was most of what Goro had wanted to know, right
there. All wrapped up in a nice, if confusing, little package. What did half of
it even mean? He doesn't notice shit? He gets overwhelmed? He finally believes
me?

The important part was how much conviction was in Hansel's
voice when he said he trusted Mishka. Alright, maybe some weird fucking shit
had gone on that Goro still didn't understand, but Hansel wasn't an idiot. He
was making a reasonable judgment given the information he had in front of him.
Goro just had a feeling.

That last bit though?

Now, there was something tough to swallow.

"Alright." Goro nodded. "Thank you for...
y'know, answering." And he pushed forward, nuzzling against Hansel's neck,
before it could get weird.

**Izzy:** at 1:11 AM

"Yeah. Well. Thanks for not being a jackass about
it."

Hansel let Goro nestle against him, wrapped his arms back
around his shoulders.

He could tell this wasn't fucking over. Goro was acting like
that was enough, like he was fucking pacified, now, but after the way he'd kept
digging and digging before -- this wasn't going to be enough. He was too --
goddamn nosy.

But Hansel had to admit that it was, kind of, his business.
Not the gory, specific details of what Mishka had put Hansel through -- he
wasn't fucking entitled to Hansel's pain and Mishka's guilt -- but the broad
strokes. He deserved to know what he could be in for, and no one was better
suited to tell him than Hansel.

And there was every chance that Mishka would hurt Goro.
Hansel knew that. Mishka was getting better, he was trying really fucking hard
to be better to Hansel, and Hansel had seen the way he was with Roddy and
Nixie. He'd seen the way he looked at Goro. The fact that he let Goro touch
him, that he sought Goro out, even.

Hansel just had this gut feeling that something was going to
go wrong. He had that feeling a lot, and most of the time he told himself to
ignore it, and he focused on something else until it went away, but this one
felt -- justified. This one had a fucking backstory, and it involved someone
else that Mishka had let touch him, and sought out, and then abandoned.

"Hey," he said after a moment. "I'm being
fucking serious, okay? If something happens -- come to me. Please."

**Lina:** at 1:15 AM

"Mm."

**Izzy:** at 1:19 AM

Hansel pulled away, holding Goro at arm's length by his
shoulder. "Don't you fuckin' mm at me, motherfucker. You think I just go
around, fuckin' saying 'please' to everyone?"

**Lina:** at 1:21 AM

Goro was the one keeping his eyes closed, this time.
"Like I'd fucking wanna drag you into it."

**Izzy:** at 1:21 AM

"I'm already fucking in it, Goro."

**Lina:** at 1:22 AM

"Yeah, me too, but you still get your secrets, right?
So I still get mine."

**Izzy:** at 1:23 AM

"You open your eyes and look at me, jackass."

**Lina:** at 1:23 AM

Fair enough. He opened his eyes.

**Izzy:** at 1:26 AM

"All right. Listen. If my husband hurts you, that's my
fucking business, because it's his fucking business, so it's not gonna be a
fuckin' secret," he explained patiently. Goro was so goddamn stupid
sometimes. "Don't make me find out from him that he fucked up and he
fucked you up. Just fucking -- will you just let me fucking help you, for
fucksake?"

**Lina:** at 1:28 AM

"What are you gonna fucking do about it, eh? Tell me
that."

**Izzy:** at 1:29 AM

Hansel hugged him again, abruptly and hard. "I dunno,
something along these lines."

**Lina:** at 1:31 AM

Yeah, that'd fucking do the trick, wouldn't it.

But Goro was working on being less of a shit now, so he just
hugged Hansel back, and didn't argue.

**Izzy:** at 1:53 AM

Hm. He wasn't buying it. Goro not arguing anymore didn't mean
Hansel had won the argument. Probably meant he was just going to keep doing
whatever the hell he wanted unless Hansel physically picked him up and
prevented him from doing it.

Which -- he could do, so he did.

He adjusted his hold to make it easier, then stood up,
bringing Goro along with him, and turned to go back inside, muttering,
"Fuckin' cold out here," to brush it off. Goro stayed wrapped around
him, face against Hansel's neck. At least that much. At least he seemed to feel
safe with Hansel. Hansel just needed him to fucking ... know that he could come
to him, when he needed to feel safe. When he was hurt.

Hansel carried him over to the tower, and up the stairs, and
paused outside his door to nudge Goro and shift to lean back from him.
"Mind if I crash with you tonight? Pretty fuckin' drunk." He paused.
"Been missing just sharing a bed with you, though."

Hansel would wear him down. He'd done it to Mishka.
Eventually he'd get Goro to trust that he could help him.

**Lina:** at 1:56 AM

"If I had it my way," Goro said, voice muffled
because he refused to move his face away from Hansel's neck, "you'd never
leave my fucking bed."

Shit, that was more honest than he'd intended on being. But
maybe it was for the best. If he couldn't get up the guts to ask Hansel to stay
with him ever, he'd just throw it out there now how much he wanted it.

**Izzy:** at 1:58 AM

"Well, that's just not fuckin' reasonable, but we could
give it a shot." He started to open the door, then stopped himself.
"Hey, do I need about fifty fuckin' keys to get in here, or is it
unlocked? Y'know, before I try and end up looking like an idiot."

**Lina:** at 2:01 AM

Goro grinned against Hansel's neck, because there was
something weirdly fucking adorable about the way he asked. But then he sucked
in a breath and straightened up, alert. "Fuck. No. I didn't lock it. I was
too, uh..." Whatever he'd been. He tightened his arms around Hansel.
"I need a big, scary pirate now to clear the room for me and make sure I'm
safe."

**Izzy:** at 2:12 AM

"Hmm, do you now? Wonder where you could find one of
those." He pushed the door open and stepped in, slipping Goro down to his
feet once they were inside so that he could mind all of his goddamn locks
himself. Hansel wandered on into the room. Still smelled of incense. He
realized the scent clung to Goro, to his clothes, too -- he hadn't really
placed it before, just thought of it as the way Goro smelled. Like how Mishka
always used to smell of the sea, how he often smelled like wine, now.

He ran a hand through his hair and thought about the way
Goro had sat on his lap, and held his face, and just stared at him for the
longest time. Careful of the broken tusk.

He did actually give the room a cursory sweep while Goro was
locking the door, even though he knew -- or was fairly sure? -- it had been a
joke (Goro did have all those locks for a reason, after all), then shrugged off
his coat to toss it over the back of the couch and sat down to untie his boots.
"Hey," he remembered. "You got my flask?"

**Lina:** at 2:20 AM

Goro reached inside his robe and pulled it out, then tossed
it to Hansel once his hands were free. Couldn't keep from thinking of the
reason he had it on him in the first place. Hansel, in a desperate hurry to get
away from him because he was so horrendous.

No, no. Because he'd done something horrendous.

Hm. It was a weird had to try on, and he wasn't sure it fit.
Thinking of himself as being layers and layers and layers of awful choices, but
at his core somehow being precious and gentle and capable of boundless love,
like Amari said.

Sometimes, the way Hansel and Nixie looked at him, it seemed
like they might think that kind of thing too.

Goro's knees didn't feel quite solid yet. So he just went
straight down, sitting on the damn floor.

**Izzy:** at 2:30 AM

"Hey." Ah, shit. Hansel went back to him, dropping
down in front of him. "Hey. C'mon." Hansel wanted to scoop him up
again and carry him to his bed, tug his robe off him and curl around him
protectively -- but also, fuck, he'd been working for most of the day and he'd
just carried Goro across the castle and up two flights of stairs, and Goro
wasn't as small as Jonn or Larkin or Nixie.

So he just sat with him instead, and a slipped one hand
around one of his, and slipped the other behind his neck to pull him in and
kiss him, gently and briefly, and then lean their foreheads together. He was
tired, and drunk, and he didn't know what to say anymore. Maybe this would say
enough.

**Lina:** at 9:35 AM

Goro cringed. "Um, Hansel, I..." Keeping his voice
soft. Serious. "There's something else I need to tell you."

Then he lost it, snorting and giggling and covering his
mouth. God damn it.

**Izzy:** at 9:38 AM

"Yeah, there's something I gotta tell you too,"
Hansel deadpanned.

**Lina:** at 9:39 AM

"Hm. Okay. You first." He felt another giggle
threatening to erupt, but shit, Hansel looking all serious like that...

**Izzy:** at 9:40 AM

"I love you," he said, in the same serious tone of
voice, before breaking and snorting.

**Lina:** at 9:42 AM

"Oh, no!" Goro covered his face. "God, you
won't believe the irony." He put his hands on Hansel's shoulders and
looked Hansel in the eye, pressing his lips together gravely. "That's
exactly what I was going to tell you. I love you."

**Izzy:** at 9:44 AM

Hansel laughed. "You fuckin' idiot." He leaned in
to kiss Goro quickly, then thought -- fuck it -- and grabbed him around the
waist anyway, picking him up and carrying him towards the bedroom.

**Lina:** at 9:53 AM

Once Hansel dropped him on the bed, Goro pulled off his
clothes, dropping them all in a pile on the floor. He went after Hansel's shirt
next. They would get that fucking skin-on-skin thing again, and it was going to
be good.

**Izzy:** at 9:56 AM

Hansel batted Goro's hands away and pulled his shirt off
himself, then let himself fall into bed. Fuck, the beds in this castle were
comfortable. He stetched out like he owned it, yawning.

**Lina:** at 10:00 AM

Goro wormed his way under Hansel's arm and settled against
his chest. Ah, yeah, that was fucking divine. God, they really should just do
this all the time, and forget eating and killing bandits and shit like that.

He propped himself up so he could look Hansel in the face.
Gave him a kiss on his chin. "Another question? This one's good."

**Izzy:** at 10:03 AM

"If you fuckin' must." He reached up to play with
Goro's hair. He'd liked it better longer. Maybe Goro'd grow it back out, if
Hansel asked him to.

**Lina:** at 10:04 AM

"I want... I want to make you happy." God damn it,
there he went again, signing himself up for risky jobs. He thought for a moment
on how to phrase the question. "What do you need from me?"

**Izzy:** at 10:10 AM

Hansel thought for a moment. What kind of a question was
that -- was he actually supposed to have an answer here or was Goro fucking
around again? He didn't seem like he was. He had that painful sincerity thing
in his voice again.

"I don't -- fuckin' -- I don't know." He kept
playing with Goro's hair, looking up at him. "Just ... this. This makes me
happy."

**Lina:** at 10:14 AM

"No. Well, I mean, yes, it makes me happy too, but
that's not what I fucking mean. You said you were gonna hold me to doing better.
What's better look like?"

**Izzy:** at 10:16 AM

"A good start would be fuckin' backing off before you
make people cry," he said dryly. "Or wanna hit you."

**Lina:** at 10:19 AM

"Alright, alright, yeah. But you know, most of the time
I don't see the hits coming. That's a fact." The crying, though, he could
usually sense was coming on. It was just that he always felt like he had a good
reason. Like sometimes crying needed to happen. Eh. Not worth it, clearly, in
Hansel's case.

**Izzy:** at 10:36 AM

Hansel snorted. "All right, how about this -- don't
fuck with people unless I'm around to keep'em from hitting you."

**Lina:** at 10:37 AM

Goro raised an eyebrow, smiling. "Does that mean you're
gonna stay by me all the time, then?"

**Izzy:** at 10:38 AM

"Are you gonna fuck with people constantly if I
don't?" Hansel asked, amused.

**Lina:** at 10:39 AM

"That's the air I breathe, babe." He patted Hansel
on the cheek.

**Izzy:** at 10:41 AM

"Hm. Guess I'm gonna have to show you how to take a
hit, then."

**Lina:** at 10:43 AM

Goro leaned in to kiss him a few times. On his chin again,
and his cheek. "I want you to show me--" nose, forehead--
"everything--" lips, and then he pulled back. "Sooner or
later."

**Izzy:** at 10:48 AM

Shit. Fuckin' Goro. Hansel wasn't sober enough for this. He
pushed Goro away, just to roll onto his side and pull him back, hooking a leg
around his and an arm around his back. "Yeah, well, we can fuckin' start
tomorrow," he murmured.

**Lina:** at 10:50 AM

"Hm. Acceptable. So what else do you need from
me?"

**Izzy:** at 10:51 AM

"To go the fuck to sleep."

**Lina:** at 5:59 PM

"Oh." Like hell he'd be able to manage that. It
was fine, though. Hansel could sleep while he held him, and Goro would be
content with that, all wrapped up and warm. "Alright."

He made it a good while without talking. Even managed to
hold still for a lot of it, just basking in the feel of Hansel's chest against
his chest, Hansel's arm and leg heavy across him, claiming him. Hansel's
breathing deepened, his exhales blowing cool against Goro's forehead.

"Hansel," Goro whispered. There was one more thing
he needed to know.

"Mm?" Half-asleep.

"Will you tell me..." His chest tightened, and he
closed his mouth. Will you tell me something you like about me? Do you actually
like me at all? Is it better when I don't talk?

Yeah, right. There was a time and a place, Goro. Like never.
But definitely not while Hansel was trying to fucking rest.

"Mm what?" Hansel mumbled.

"Never mind," Goro whispered. "Go to
sleep."

He shouldn't ask questions he might not like the answers to,
anyway.

**Lina:** at 11:39 AM

Title: Sorry. Summary: Goro and Hansel play Three Questions.
Goro fucks up, decides he wants to do better and take more responsibility for
his actions, and learns to give a real apology.