Shapeshifting Felines

## **Shapeshifting Felines** *by Brother Virgo*

You know about those Shape Shifting Reptilians that has ties to the Illuminati? If so, then you might have not heard about a cryptid so terrible as this. As those of you with any sort of brains at all might note, is a patently moronic proposition on the face of it; one likely to culminate in any number of thoroughly unpleasant fates. Honestly, it would probably be smarter to publish your credit card number on Facebook, or take up a career in Kickboxing.

But then, that isn't going to stop you, is it? Not if you're sincerely interested, at least. Technically, if you do everything just right, there's a fair chance you'll walk away scot-free; and that seems to be reason enough for some people to decide that it's a good idea. Especially if you're the fate-tempting, thrill-seeking, scare-junkie type. Or the desperate type.

This, perhaps, begs the question of why exactly you would want to speak with the Shape Shifting Felines in the first place. (Maybe some of you just like the idea of making small talk with extremely dangerous cryptids, but for the sake of the human race I hope most of you aren't quite that stupid.) Short answer is: they know things. Things that some of you may have a deep, vested interest in finding out. I mean, they're not omniscient or anything—much as they might like to pretend otherwise, they're not God's angels—but they definitely got a supernatural advantage over the kind of knowledge any human would be able to obtain. For example, they would probably wouldn't be able to predict when the next World War will happen, or tell you the cure for cancer... but they could very well be able to predict the winning numbers of tomorrow's five-hundred million dollar Powerball drawing, or tell you what deadly, undiagnosed condition might be afflicting one of your loved ones.

Of course, these deadly aliens doesn't just go around giving out winning lottery numbers to anybody who asks. And trusting any sort of information obtained from a being commonly described as "invaders from mars" is liable to land you in a worse situation than you were in when you started. However, if you're really dead set on finding something out, and you're exhausted all other options, there IS a way to try to get accurate information out of them.

You see, like so many of the more feline villains in popular movies and cartoons, the Shape Shifting Felines has a bit of a penchant for games and gambling. Of course, the reason they like them so much is that they almost always wins. Unless you happen to be a mouse named Stuart Little or being a cartoon character created by Gene Deitch, you're probably going to get your ass handed to you. But, if you're determined enough to want to face the risks and the long odds, there's a certain game the two of you could play to try to win the information you need.

The problem is, where to find them. These creatures, just like the Reptilians, changed their appearance and appear to be a human being. Look out the window and see the people outside minding their own business. That's, what they'll look like. All you have to do is look at their eyes, and see the slit pupils. Like cat's eyes. If the man, woman, or child has the eyes I described, you beckon them to follow you to another room. And they'll follow you to where you could be alone. Then, as you look at their reflections, you will no longer see their human form. You will be looking at the creatures.

No point in scaring you off now... better to lure you in, make you feel safe. To that end, they'll generally take on the appearance of a fairly average, nondescript human being. If anything, they're prone to vanity and will lean towards the more attractive end of the spectrum. No matter how hard they tried, they can't hide the sinister gleam smoldering deep within them, the malevolent amusement and hunger, like the eyes of a spider contemplating a fly struggling in its web. They're supremely confident, those eyes... confident, and without pity. Don't look into them too deeply, or you'll begin to feel helpless and paralyzed with dread, losing your hope and your will to fight.

Since you'll probably be just standing there staring at him in shock for a few moments (having on some level expected them to devour you're innards), they'll initiate the conversation by asking you what it is you desire from them. If you can gather your wits enough to string together a coherent sentence, you should respond with something like: "I wish to challenge you in a game of question-and-response."

Even if you don't get the words exactly right, they'll know what you mean, and they'll accept your request with a wide, predatory grin of anticipation. They have been playing this game for a long time, you see, and they're very good at it. Most humans, on the other hand, are very bad at it. This gives them a chance to, at the very least, thoroughly mess with your mind, and at most... well, we'll save that for the "litany of shit that could go wrong". You'll have to play it very smart to avoid justifying their expectations.

The general rules to the game are very simple, with a few caveats that can make things more complicated. They'll begin by asking you a question (they always initiate the game). It can be anything from a piece of obscure trivia, to a riddle, to an extremely personal inquiry. Don't worry, you won't be immediately abducted if you get the wrong answer or anything like that. As a matter of fact, they won't even tell you whether you got the answer right or wrong.

After you've answered they're question, you get to ask them one in return. Now, here's where the consequences of your response come in. If you answered their last question correctly, they will respond to your question as honestly and accurately as they're able. However, if you answered it incorrectly, they're free to lie to you as they see fit. Perhaps if you've asked them something you're better off not knowing, they'll tell you the truth about it anyway. More likely, they'll feed you the most insidious, damaging lie they can come up with. Either way, after they responded, they'll ask you another question, and the process will repeat over and over again until you decide to call it quits.

Now, you may be sitting there thinking that it sounds fairly easy to get the information you need... all you have to do is wait for a question you can answer correctly, and then take that opportunity to ask them what you really want to know, ignoring everything else they said. Well, it's not that simple. The Shape Shifting Felines will never give you an easy question, one that you can be completely sure of the answer to. They may instead give you questions that you have some vague knowledge of, that you think maybe you know the answer to but aren't really confident... thus forcing you to endlessly second-guess yourself, obsessing over whether or not you can trust the information that they gave you next. Perhaps you'll think that what they said was a lie, wish it was a lie, but be eternally consumed by doubt, unable to fully convince yourself that you were wrong. Or perhaps you'll have to make a huge choice based on the information that they gave you, and be tormented by fear and indecisiveness as you realize that your fate (and perhaps that of others, as well) rests entirely upon whether or not you were able to correctly recall some arcane piece of trivia that you don't even remember now.

You'll never remember the exact questions the Shape Shifting Felines asked you, by the way; that would make it too easy for you to go back and check on your responses.

Or maybe, instead of testing your knowledge, they'll ask you something personal, something you even lie to yourself about. You'll answer back to him, thinking you've gotten the question correct ("No, I don't resent my sister"... "Yes, I would turn the money in to the police!")—but they'll know better. They'll know better than you do that you're lying, and they'll lie to you in return. And you'll believe them. You'll believe them until you are no longer able to deceive yourself, and by then it might be too late...

Or maybe... maybe they won't even give you a chance to get an accurate response at all. Maybe they'll just ask you endless strings of completely impossible questions, making you more and more frustrated and disheartened as you realize you'll never be able to force them to tell you the truth. Questions like:

"What was the exact height of Mount Everest in centimeters in the year 1666?"

Or "What is the air-speed-velocity of an un-laden swallow?"

Although, knowing they're sense of humor, if they ever asked the latter they might consider "African or European?" a correct response.

There are a couple of ways to short-circuit this particular strategy, however—additional rules and courses of action that make the game more interesting and prevent you from being stonewalled completely. Although in all honesty, they probably want you to try one of those options anyway.

The first option is to ask them a riddle instead of a question. If you somehow manage to stump them and they'll answer the riddle wrong or gives up, they'll be obligated to give you a truthful response to your next question. If they answer the riddle correctly—once again, don't worry, they won't pounce on you like a sphinx or devour you're flesh and leave you're body for the buzzards. What will happen is that they will get a "pass", allowing them to lie in response to one question they would otherwise be obligated to answer truthfully.

Honestly, if they get a pass, you might as well just give up and quit the game right there. It's nearly impossible to determine when they're telling you the truth under the best of conditions. Adding another layer of complexity by constantly trying to figure out when and if they used their pass... it's about enough to make any normal person's brain explode. There's no way. Just forget it.

The second option is for you to take a "dare" from them. If you accept it and vow to follow through, then once again they'll have to answer your next question truthfully. If you choose instead to reject it, they'll get another "pass".

Now before you freak out and reject that whole idea completely, you should know that they won't ask you to do anything overly dramatic or unspeakably extraterrestrial, like having to pull you're pants down for a anal probing, or be the test subject to having their eggs inside you're chest. As a rule of thumb, most dares won't involve direct loss of life or any major felonies. However, they certainly won't be easy. Inflicting severe pain on yourself, doing something that terrifies the shit out of you... cutting off a treasured relationship, publicly humiliating yourself or someone you love... all of these things and more, things you might not even be able to imagine, are completely on the table.

If you're willing to go that far, to put yourself in that kind of position... you'll get your answer. However, if they manages to come up with the one thing you know you simply can't or won't do... well, then once again you might as well just quit.

One last thing — DON'T think you can just tell them you're going to do something and then not do it. If you accept a dare and then don't follow through with it... well, let's just say there will be consequences. Just suck it up and keep your promise, no matter WHAT it was. Trust me, you're better off that way.

Finally, when you've either gotten the information you wanted or given up on it completely, you may end the game by simply thanking the Shape Shifting Felines for accepting your request, bowing politely at the waist, and bidding them farewell.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that you keep to this time limit. I'll save the reason behind that for the end, but don't skip ahead... I've still got a few important tips on how to play:

1. Be very careful what sort of personal information you give out. Try not to talk about yourself, especially your emotions and problems, any more than absolutely necessary. These creatures know human psychology like the back of their hand, and they will get inside of your head. It's like talking to Hannibal Lecter. Give them enough to work with and, even if you don't believe a single word they say, they will still find ways to fuck with your mind like nobody's business. If anything their questions make you even remotely uncomfortable, do not hesitate to lie through your teeth. There will be plenty of other questions.

2. On a similar note, try to keep the game on track and moving briskly. Unstructured interactions of any kind are to be avoided. Chances are that at some point they will try to draw you off on a tangent—discussing something that fascinates you, analyzing a response you've given them, or finding some other excuse to speak at length without moving the game forward. This is not only a waste of valuable time but also another excellent opportunity to mess with your mind.

3. If you choose to give them a riddle, use one you've made up yourself. If your riddle has ever been written down anywhere at all, from the pages of The Hobbit to some long-lost tome of ancient magic, they will already know the answer. That said, it still has to be a legitimate riddle, with an answer that makes logical sense from some angle. You can't just ask something like "What's green, has ten legs, and hops?" then claim for some inexplicable reason that the answer was "marshmallows". Nor can you ask them a straight question like "What have I got in my pocket?" (they'll probably know that, anyway). There are no hard-and-fast rules to determine whether a riddle makes sense or not, but you're a reasonable human being. Your ancestors ate from the Tree of Knowledge. Please, for the love of everything American, use common sense.

4. If you choose to take a dare, there is a slight chance that the Shape Shifting Felines will ask you to do something seemingly easy... deliver a letter, for instance, or scribble a ten-digit number in a public restroom stall. If they does ask you for something like this, and you have even a shred of common decency in you, do NOT accept. Chances are that they're using you to further some sinister plot, one liable to ruin a lot of lives and harm a lot of people. Who knows, maybe you're the type of person who really doesn't mind taking an unknown amount of human lives with an assault rifle to find out what you want to know... but at least be aware that that is what you're doing.

5. Last, but not least, be very aware of the time. It might be helpful to do some practicing beforehand and get a feel for how long an hour is without a watch. The Shape Shifting Felines will probably put off discussing the things you're most keen to find out for as long as they can; and as you near the 67 minute deadline, they'll start trying harder and harder to distract you, captivate you, and otherwise keep you playing until it's too late. They'll string you along, feed you little glimmers of false hope, keep you thinking: "Just a few more minutes... I'm almost there!" Don't fall for it. Don't go over the time limit. No matter what.

Now, you might be thinking that this game really doesn't sound all that dangerous so far... threats of psychological damage rarely seem to carry the same weight as threats of physical damage, even though their costs are often just as great. Hate to burst your bubble, but the game is far from safe. There are plenty of ways for you to seriously screw yourself over both physically and mentally (not to mention spiritually). And it is with these that I will conclude, in the vain hope that they may make some sort of impression...

First, while you are chatting with real live deadly aliens from outer space, do NOT let them out of your sight. Keep staring at them no matter what happens. They will undoubtedly try various tricks to make you look away... You will hear noises behind you, feel eyes on the back of your head, see shadowy phantoms writhing in the depths of every corner behind them. A cold breath will blow upon you from behind, smelling like the crypt. A deep silence will settle, only to be interrupted by a loud SMACK directly behind your head, giving you about the worst jump-scare you've ever had. Hell, the creatures may even abandon a measure of their own dignified façade and give a sudden jump of feigned shock, shouting loudly and pointing behind you with a very convincing look of terror on their faces. Whatever they might test you with, you must not look away from them. If you look away, if you lose sight of them completely—even for one second—Lord knows how much of your body the police will find the next morning, and what state it's in, will depend entirely on the sort of mood they're in.

On a different topic, you may reach a point in the game (probably after a long series of maddeningly impossible questions) where the Shape Shifting Felines ask you the deceptively simple question "What is your full name?" You MUST NOT give it to them. Names can be things of great power. Although the creatures will, of course, already know your name, telling it to them yourself is akin to inviting a vampire into your home. Your name is deeply synonymous with your own, inner self; thus, giving them your name is powerfully symbolic of giving them your self. If you are foolish enough to make this mistake, all hope will be for naught, and they will seize upon your unwitting offer with malicious glee, killing you or take you away on their Mother Ship.

At least this way the police will find a complete, identifiable body. As a matter of fact, your vacant shell will be totally unblemished, seemingly having dropped dead of sheer terror.

Last, but certainly not least, there's the matter of what happens if you go over the time limit. This is arguably the worst thing you can do. You won't think so at first... the aliens will give you no indication that you have in fact exceeded the time limit and you will conclude the game as if nothing had gone wrong. Perhaps, as the creatures' image trembles and gives way, you'll see a particularly nasty, triumphant smirk flash across their face, but this will be easily dismissed as your imagination. You'll go to leave the room you and the aliens are in. But, when you exit, you will see... nothing.

That's right, nothing. Just a flat, black void extending infinitely in all directions. Only the room will now exist.

Incidentally, if you turn back around to face the Shape Shifting Felines again, you may catch a last glimpse of, yourself. Perhaps it will even turn and favor you with a smirk and a cheeky wave before walking out of the room.

As you may have already figured out, you yourself are no longer in the room. Your very being is now trapped in the creature's Mother Ship, and the Shape Shifting Feline you were speaking to has taken the liberty of stealing you're identity, now that you are no longer using it.

Pound on the glass chamber and scream all you want, you'll never get out on your own, and no Men in Black can save you. But don't worry, it's not like you're going to be experimented on, right? At least, not necessarily... Needless to say, if you're a regular patron of websites like this one, you're probably pretty well fucked.

There's only one way to find release from the Mother Ship and the alien world that you've inhabited therein. They say that if you call to the creature once more and ask him or her to free you from the Mother Ship, they'll be willing to take you out.

For the usual fee, of course.

Who knows, maybe if your imagination is twisted and powerful enough to create a personal Hell that leaves you begging for the real thing, those talents might be put to good use. There are over seven billion people in the world, after all; even the Shape Shifting Felines themselves can't be messing with all of their minds at once. Talented help is always appreciated.

Of course, the corollary to your being trapped inside the Mother Ship is that the alien now gets to do whatever he or she wants in your identity until sunrise or when the moon is almost at it's peak. At around that time, your identity will mercifully drop dead; autopsy will probably identify the cause as some kind of coronary event. Don't get too relieved, though, they're perfectly capable of stirring up plenty of trouble in those few hours.

For instance, they may decide to do something big and dramatic, like purchase a large meat cleaver and go on a murder spree, starting with the names in your address book and working their way out to complete strangers if they has time. Or perhaps they'll focus on only one person, someone who trusts you completely, using your persona to get him or her alone and vulnerable, and then... well, no need to describe it here. Once again, I'm sure you can think of a few things.

Starting to see why I called this the worst outcome yet?

Of course, there's also a chance they won't lay a finger on any of your loved ones, instead deciding to do something a little more subtle... more insidious. Like drop off a few nondescript, unmarked packages on certain doorsteps in the dangerous part of town. Or locate a particular dusty, age-yellowed text in the storeroom of your local library and intentionally misfile it in the Young Adult Literature section. Or whisper seven very choice words into the ear of the distracted-looking young redhead waiting for the 3am subway train, saying stuff that will make a white supremacist will blush in embarrassment.

Or maybe they'll decide that, in this age of waning superstition, not enough people are getting interested in their games, and the knowledge of them is in danger of being lost. Maybe they'll decide they need to get the word out a bit more, do a bit of networking, attract some new suckers... \*Clears throat\*, "challengers". Maybe they'll take a quick peek at your browser history, see where the impressionable, curious minds are hanging out these days. Maybe they'll even write a quick tutorial, in modern parlance rather than some inscrutable, obsolete extraterrestrial text... post it on the Internet and see how many bites they get...

Haha, maybe I really shouldn't have gone there. But if you've made it this far without shying, a little twist at the end isn't going to put you off, is it, my friend? I'm sure there are plenty of intrepid adventurers among you with burning questions you'd like answered. And you're all a smart bunch of course. You know the pitfalls, you know the conventions, you live and breathe this sort of thing, do you not? There's no way you'd fall into any of the obvious traps, right? You're not some Dick or Jane off the street, after all; you'd be bringing a whole new level of competition. You would...

Oh, excuse me just a moment, I think I hear someone calling for me...

What? ALREADY? Must be one imagination you've got on you.

Perfect.