Marin's Blog

Marin Dram's blog can be read on her computer in *Omega Mart*.

## Description

Marin's blog explains her childhood growing up in Seven Monolith Village as a child of the Source.

## Gallery

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A video showing the blog. Video by SuperNoseFace.

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## Transcript

### **Marin Dram’s Blog**

Location: Seven Monolith Village

About Me: I love listening to music and glitter.

Last Login: 12/31/2019

Friends (0)

Profile Views: 101,275

### **June 26, 2018**

Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeeee!

So 14 feels way different than 13. For real. I think it’s because I was expecting 13 to feel different, but sometimes when you expect things it turns out the opposite, ya know?

Plus, 13 is like, "I’m new to being a teenager!!"

It is more like, "I’m becoming the person I want to be." At least that’s how I want it to be. I wanted to start this blog as a record of all that.

I should ask Did you guys feel the same way when you turned 13 and 14?

But nobody’s gonna read this because I’m just a weirdo in the weird desert. I mean, I know my best friend Jesse’s reading this (hi, Jesse). Besides her, crickets.

But yeah, if you are reading this and you don’t know me — I live in 7 Monolith Village, a teensy-tiny town that you've only heard of if you're into aliens or homesteading. And I'm stuck here. I know a lot of people my age are like "oh my town sucks, can't wait til I'm not stuck here anymore" but I mean that I'm literally stuck. As in, I'm physically unable to leave. My first memories are of all the adults in my life (Charlie, my great-uncle/father-figure — Rose, my...what? Roommate? Mom-figure? Pseudo-aunt? All of the above? — and my mom, Cecelia, who doesn't live here) telling me that for some reason, there's something wrong with me that makes it so I can't leave. a certain radius of where we live. I got older and thought they were just exaggerating to keep me safe, but then last year I tried. And it was...let's just say not good.

Anyway. That part of my life sucks, but not everything sucks. This year is all about Marin Dram 2.0. Not new, but definitely improved.

And maybe someday, somehow, somebody will read this and care about what I have to say. Somebodies, even. Until then, this is Marin Dram, signing off and sending my lame contemplations into the void!

### **July 1, 2018**

20 Things I Want to Do Before I Turn 20 (and some of these will never happen like are literally unable to happen but just LET ME DREAM)

1. Kiss someone (who???)

2. Meet HTB (kiss him) (jk he would never) (plus meeting him would be enough)

3. Go to Paris

4. Go to Rome (Or somewhere cooler in Italy, look up where is the best pasta??)

5. Go to Greenland (Why not???)

6. Go to New York City

7. Go to LA (with a dream and my cardigan lol)

8. Go to the Grand Canyon (this one isn't mine, but 9. Jesse's sitting right here and she went to the GC when we were 12 and she's like blah blah blah it's my favorite place in the world and you'll love it. I'm doing this so she'll shut up)

9. Live in a normal house with normal rooms → ideally 11 of them: living room AND TV room, kitchen, dining room, 3 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, study/library.

• plus an upstairs/downstairs

• I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I get my own room with an actual door. Very into doors.

10. Go to a mall (Jesse says there's a bunch of bonkers ones in Vegas)

11. Make friends who aren't Jesse (no offense, Jesse)

12. Get Cecelia (my "mom") to teach me about business stuff so I can open my own cool coffeeshop/bookstore someday

13. Learn to drive (ask Charlie to teach me, he's obsessed with his truck) (Jesse says she can teach me because she's Little Miss Mechanic and thinks she knows everything about cars but news flash Jesse: you're younger than me)

14. Figure out my signature style — like I want people to send me pictures of things and be like "this just screamed Marin" and for that to be true

15. Liquid eyeliner??

16. I'm stopping here because I just read over all this and want to die/cry because easily 3/4 of these are literally impossible?

17. Kill me

18. Bye

19. Lololol Charlie just came in and I was complaining about this, not being able to leave and stuff, etc and he said that I should visit new places by...reading books?? And I mean, I like to read. But dude. that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

### **July 30, 2018**

Okay, so this is what I want my life to look like:

I want a pink room. Not just pink... P I N K. Cool pink wallpaper (floral? jacquard??), pink carpet, lots of pink flowers everywhere, a four-poster bed with a pink silk canopy, lots of cool pink throw pillows. Like, so pink that people think I'm being sarcastic! Oh, and BOOKS. Floor-to-ceiling bookcases, and some of the shelves have, like, STUFF on them that isn't books, like gifts people gave me, or things I've collected on my JOURNEYS. You know, normal stuff that who live in normal places and do normal things have.

If I lived in this room, it'd be in a white three-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac (did you know "culs-de-sac" is the plural? Not "cul-de-sacs"? crazy) and I'd wear very classic girly clothes and my hair would always do what I want it to. It'd be one of those towns that people call small, but it's actually a city. just one with a kinda small, cozy feeling. Somewhere that gets cold enough to wear cute jackets but not so cold I have to like, shovel my driveway. Not a non-place with like 100 people where you can't even go outside without going crazy.

### **August 2, 2018**

I guess I should explain where I live, for all my avid fans out there! (lol) (hello??)

So like... I don't live on Earth. At least, not the Earth you think of when you think of EARTH. I live in some weird off-brand version of Earth called the Forked Earth where there are aliens and magic wells of magic energy and everything is MAGIC but like the crappy kind of magic, where the sun never fully rises and some goo called "runoff' has made everything wacky and oh yeah, my mom is responsible for that and everyone here hates her!! LOL

Also, I can't leave! Like, literally can't! Rose says I'm a "special child of Source" and that's why but that LITERALLY explains tells me nothing, in fact it just raises further questions that no one can seem to answer! AHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, the last time I tried to leave I felt. When I try to leave I feel like I'm being pulled back by something, like you know those old cartoons where someone's on stage doing something dumb and then someone offstage pulls them away with a giant shepherd’s crook? It felt like that, and when I opened my eyes I was back in 7 Monolith Village. UGH.

I know this sounds crazy!!!!! But believe me when I say that I am the least crazy person here. Also, """here""" is C R A Z Y. Runoff has made everything the bad kind of psychedelic and then people here actually DRINK IT! Not only do I not DRINK THE STUFF THAT HAS MADE THE WORLD INSANE, I also do not talk to aliens (or whatever Nula are) like Rose or believe crazy conspiracy theories like Charlie, so I believe that qualifies me as the most normal person in the Forked Earth, thank you for this honor, I accept this award with humility and grace!

### **September 4, 2018**

I had the weirdest dream last night?? I was swimming in a pool full of cereal, and when I came up for air, my mom was pouring milk on my head like she was rinsing my hair. She had her hand over my face like I was a little kid and she was shielding me from soap getting In my eyes.

Anyway I have no idea what it’s supposed to mean. I went to bed hungry and I need to take a shower? Lol

### **October 16, 2018**

I was trying to hide this entry from Jesse, but JESSE IS A NOSY PERSON. She says that blogs are for readers, and if I wanted something to be private then I should "Just write in a fucking notebook and hide it under your bed like a normal person, Marin." I’m allowed to have secrets!! Anyway, I'm making her a freaking playlist, that's why I wouldn't tell her what I was writing about. but EVEN STILL! I'm allowed to have secrets!! But I have this blog because I wanna get my feelings out, I wanna see everything in my head typed out all nice in a way that doesn't make it look insane. You know? (l don't know who I'm asking.) Because, it's not like I go to a normal school or have a normal life where I'm surrounded by normal people I can talk to. No one knows about me! I'm trapped in this crazy place and This blog is my only outlet to the world outside. I KNOW that’s heavy but it’s true! The point is: Jesse’s birthday’s coming up. The central, consistent thing in pretty much my whole life is sharing headphones with her and listening to music. The soundtrack to my entire existence is her. I wish I had money and could buy her the best presents of all time, but I can make her the best playlist of all time. I want it to be so good it feels like magic. I want her to think I'm magic. I had another dream the other night. I don't remember much, just glitter. I must be crafting too much. Or looking at festival makeup tutorials. Or both.

### **November 12, 2018**

WARNING - Weird thoughts ahead, lol.

I can never tell which feelings are normal, and which are me being a giant weirdo. But for as long as I can remember, I've had this feeling like every part of my body that's possible to have a ribbon tied around it, has a ribbon tied around it. It's so weird. I can't see the other end of the ribbons — how far they go, where they're attached, nothing. And sometimes it's fine, because sometimes I can hardly feel them. I forget about them for days at a time, weeks, months if I'm lucky. But then other times I can feel them like, pulling at me. It's freaking spooky, to have something pulling at you from somewhere you can't see. I can't tell if it's pulling me toward whatever it is? Or if it's trying to warn me? Or if I'm just insane??

Does that make sense? Does anybody else feel that way? (she asks into the void)

So idk I guess this ribbons-feeling is why I'm really careful all the time. Like I'm just a careful person. Charlie tries to give me a hard time about it, and I can't be like "I don't wanna pull back on the ribbons too hard without realizing it and wreck something!" because he'd be like "WTF Marin, do we need to get you help?" But also, more and more, I want to be the opposite of careful, I want to take a pair of comically oversized scissors and cut the ribbons into so many pieces that nobody can even tell what they are anymore.

I don't know why I'm such a freak, only that I am. I don't know why I can't leave 7 Monolith, only that I can't. But there must be a reason, even if I can't see it, and I feel like it makes sense that the ribbons-feeling is part of that reason, right?

There's just a lot.

### **January 15, 2019**

Happy new year! Lol I forgot to write on the actual first day of 2019, but OH WELL!

I got this new glitter nail polish, thanks to the monthly makeup subscription box my "mom" sends me as an outlet for her abandonment guilt. It has like, every color glitter imaginable without quite reading as "rainbow" which is fine just not really what I was in the mood for and it's like vaguely holographic and shifts into all these different colors depending on the light. I’m obsessed. Anyway.

I was putting on another layer because I chipped it like 20 minutes into wearing it, and all of a sudden I had this feeling like I recognized the glitter? Like I felt this thing way deep in my gut and for a minute I couldn't breathe. It's the closest thing I've felt to how books and movies make Christmas look. Like I was home. with family, cookies and cider and all that stuff. Familiar and safe. I almost didn't recognize that feeling. And it came from nail polish. How weird is that.

I mean, I don't want to make it sound like I've had this awful Charles Dickens childhood — Rose and Charlie are the best ever and always there for me and I love them a lot. But things never feel like...home. You know?

My mom always says this cryptic stuff about how I'm "special" and I wanna strangle her because I'm not, but you try getting my mom to stop doing anything she wants to do. Rose told me once that one day, I would "lead the charge into a new era of existence and access" because I'm "of the Source" and I was like uhhhh okay?? Charlie mostly treats me pretty normal, except when I ask him questions about our family. my mom or any Dram. He knows that I want to know more about them and he's my only real entrypoint, but apparently he's like the black sheep of that whole family. He and my mom were close way back right before I was born, but now whenever she comes to visit he barely even looks at her.

So all that's to say: nobody tells me anything, ever.

### **January 16, 2019**

Okay this is so weird. I wrote that entry yesterday about glitter and then last night I dreamed about glitter, Then I woke up with purple glitter in my bed?? Like not a lot, so at first I thought it was from my nail polish, but it was just a handful of purely purple glitter that looks nothing like my nail polish, SO WEIRD!!!!!!

### **February 14, 2019**

Rose has an old book full of "ye olde" style fairy tales, and I flipped through it for the first time in forever today.

Not so weirdly, I've always been drawn to the story of Rapunzel.

Rapunzel couldn’t leave the tower, or else she’d break her neck and die.

Same.

### **February 19, 2019**

I was reading this article the other day in one of the teen magazines my "mom" gets me a subscription to and it was all about body positivity, which is great, but it was basically just like "wear a crop top if you wanna wear a crop top! it doesn't matter what size you are! You go, girl!" And like, sure. Yes. I am all for that. But doesn't it seem like there are some steps missing in there? Like, I can physically put on a crop top and wear it outside. But how do I convince myself that everybody isn’t looking at me and making fun of me in their minds? How do I unlearn the last almost-fifteen years? How do I get actually positive about my body, not just put on a crop top and fight the urge to cry all day?

It's the same thing like when my mom sends me brochures from the CEO camp she ran when she was my age (her dad started the camp for her, which is an insane thing just by itself, but she did all the work, which is even more insane) and she's like 'Marin, you lack direction for your life" and I'm like, cool mom. Yeah. I can see that. What I can't see is how to get there from here.

### **March 2, 2019**

This is what I want my life to look like, volume 2.

The walls of my room are covered in Polaroids of me and my friends. There are lots of mirrors in all kinds of shapes. hearts and moons and stars. There's a record player and a lot of vintage records by Billie Holiday and Lena Horne and Peggy Lee and Nina Simone. And Christmas lights! Everywhere! Lots of pink and purple Christmas lights everywhere.

If I lived in this room, I'd have so many friends and be a part of so many clubs. My best friend would have a collection of vintage cameras, and every place we go that has a photo booth, we'd get photos taken. Every time I'd look at myself in one of those mirrors, I’d feel happy at what I see and never weird or sad. (Jesse hates taking pictures, so even when I actually do normal stuff with her there's no evidence. What even is a life supposed to be without evidence? That's not an actual question you need to answer, Jesse, it's just a question)

Anyway, if I lived in this kind of room. my mom would probably be like, an art history professor at a liberal arts college. That's how come everything looks so cool, because I know stuff about art. My mom and I would love to try new recipes together. We get each other new cookbooks for every special occasion, and right now we're working our way through a Moroccan one. Moroccan Mondays.

In actuality, there's a dust storm happening outside and my eyes sting.

### **March 9, 2019**

Here’s what I’m obsessed with today.

CAN. YOU. EVEN???

### **February 3, 2020**

Omg I totally forgot this blog existed!!

I lost the password and instead of just resetting it I got in one of my super stubborn moods (Taurus moon lol) and just kept putting in guesses and joke's on me, it locked me out. Anyway, that's a boring story.

But my friend Ximena is really good at hacking and stuff, so she got me back in. Yeah, you read that right — l have friends. Obviously a lot has happened since my last

Obviously a lot has happened since my last post. Ximena moved out here a couple months ago (X's family used to live here but they moved away a while ago) and she introduced me to Lora who I sorta-not-really already knew, and Jesse and I have been hanging out with them a ton. Jesse kind of more than me. Which is fine!!

Anyway I'm 15 now! If I lived somewhere normal I'd be psyched about almost being 16, because I’d get a car and have a Sweet Sixteen and eat a HUGE pink cake, but I don’t!

### **February 16, 2020**

I read this fanfic the other night that was written in the second person so everything was like "you." "you're doing this" etc you know?

So... You go to a drive-in movie with Heartthrob Boy, and he spills soda on you by accident. And you take off your shirt (you have a tank top on, don't worry) to clean it up, but you’re still all sticky and self-conscious about being sticky and HTB like...uses his tongue to get it off??? AAHHHHH I’M DISGUSTING

but also I wonder if a boy will ever touch any part of me with his tongue

### **March 2, 2020**

Hi I don’t know if you heard but I have friends :)))

### **March 15, 2020**

I think I'm so into painting my nails and doing my hair because those are things that always

fit. I don't have to worry about places not carrying above a size 8, or places that carry

XLs but when you read the measurements they're actually size 8s too and it's like jesus

if that's XL what am I.

My "mom" was confused why I needed new pants because mine still look new, but I showed her the thigh holes and she was like "that's a weird place for a hole, how did that happen" and I realized that when your legs are a certain size, you just don't know about thigh rub and what it does to clothes. Pants could just last for years.

But no matter what, I can paint my nails with a different color glitter polish on every finger, and I can always do a braid crown. And I know I’m cute as hell, etc, so this is not a Marin Needs to Learn to Love Herself thing. It’s just an UGH thing.

### **April 17, 2020**

So Rose does all these Source experiments on plants and flowers and stuff. Tbh, it's just one of those things I hardly even register anymore because it's just always there. She's explained to me a million times what Source is/does/means, but the way Rose explains things sometimes is just a LOT to take in and she refers to me as a "child of Source" but I kinda figure that's like "child of God" right? Like what else would that mean?

But anyway, it's really annoying because dried flowers are part of my new aesthetic and I pinned a bunch of them up on my wall but I woke up this morning to a freaking jungle of very alive flowers. I freaked out. on Rose, and she Rose said she didn't do it and I was like WELL THEN WHO DID and she said that I did??

Which like. Obviously that doesn't make sense, I asked her what she meant and She just shook her head and said "It's happening. We should have known" which is some horror movie shit that she refused to elaborate on. I love to feel safe and normal!!

Or maybe it's not a horror movie at all. But maybe it's a superhero movie? Maybe there's some kind of origin story I don't know about yet, and all of this will be worth it once I figure out my powers. I wonder what my costume will look like. Lol.

### **April 23, 2020**

Is it possible to die from longing? I know that sounds melodramatic, but I'm also kinda serious?? Because it seems like one of those things that could fester and get infected and kill you. It's like when you fall down and bang up your knee, and you need to put a band-aid on the scrape for a while, but THEN you need to air it out — but how do you know when you're supposed to do each one of those things? And if you do either one too much, your knee gets infected. What if I smother my heart with band-aids for too long and it gets infected? This isn't about anybody. I just keep having these dreams about someone I never expected to have dreams about and they're so intense that they keep leaking into my life and I wonder if I need to do something about them.

### **May 2, 2020**

So Jesse’s gotten really into metal music, and I tried to get her to play me something since, AS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED, that's what we've literally ALWAYS DONE with music and each other, and she kinda looked at Ximena out of the corner of her eye and said like "l don't think it's really your thing" And it was the meanest thing anybody's ever said to me.

So later I looked up Zenion, the band she was talking about, and I listened to every single fucking song they've ever recorded turned up as loud as it could go with my own headphones that are better than hers anyway, and I loved it. And I didn't love it just because she said I wouldn't. I loved it because it was loud and weird and wild and when I listened to it it made me feel like it's not crazy when I feel stuff so hard it's like my hearts gonna vibrate out of my body. And I would have told Jesse all this and we could have shared it, but I guess she thinks just because I like HTB and glitter and stuff, I don't have the capacity for anything else.

She clearly doesn't know me at all. So much for any kind of whatever, why would she ever want to kiss someone she clearly sees as like a stupid baby.

### **May 7, 2020**

The dreams are getting weirder and they’re happening more. I’m getting scared to go to sleep. Not that the dreams are always scary (they  almost never are, or not scary like in a typically scary horror movie way). I mean, I've only ever been me. I don't know what other peoples' dreams are like.

The other night in one I was jumping on a trampoline, which is something I've never done in real life. I told Rose about it when I woke up, and she said "do you even know how to jump on a trampoline?" and I said 'Rose, it's not like riding a bike. You don't have to learn. You just jump." and then we got into this whole thing about how some things we just know, and jumping's one of them, and how that's so weird. Sometimes I really like talking to Rose about stuff.

### **May 19, 2020**

So, it’s prom season in the real world. If I lived somewhere normal, my prom dress would be pink with lots of tulle and silk flowers at the shoulders, and it would fit perfectly and trying on dresses would be fun and not anxiety-inducing.

But since there are only like 10 teenagers currently in 7MV, we're not having a homecoming. Cool.

### **May 27, 2020**

So, mom came to visit this weekend, and I asked about her prom. She was Typical Cecelia at first, very "Prom is a waste of time and money, Marin. It's a night when lesser people play dress-up to engage with their aspirations of grandeur." And I was like *eyeroll forever* and just stopped talking. BUT THEN she actually talked to me like a human being. She was like, "l actually didn't go to my prom" and when I asked her why, she said that she didn't have a date and was self conscious about it. I almost passed out at her admitting that she's ever been anything less than perfect.

### **June 1, 2020**

So here's a weird thing: I've been trying to do my full birth chart for a million years now (obvi Cancer sun, Taurus moon, but I don't know my rising or any of my planets!!). But nobody can give me an actual answer about when I was born??

Like I know I was born here. I know the day, But when I asked the time, Cecelia said 12:22. Charlie said 4:35. And Rose gave me this hand-drawn thing that looks like a star chart but without any stars from the actual sky with all of these notes I don't understand and a spiral shape in the center.

WTF, right?? Like. What does that mean?? JFC there's so much weird stuff that goes on here.

So while I wait on actual answers about my own life, I'm looking at other people in my life's charts and WHOA. You can't not believe in astrology when you find out Cecelia Dram is a triple Scorpio.

Cecelia: November 1 (Scorpio sun, moon, rising)

Jesse: September 24 (Libra sun, Capricorn moon, Taurus rising)

Rose: September 28 (Libra sun - get birth time)

Ximena: March 9 (Pisces sun - ?? the rest)

Lora: April 1 (Aries sun)

Charlie: December 25 (Capricorn sun YEP that checks out)

### **June 26, 2020**

Happy birthday to meee! I'm 16! Yay!

...k so to be honest, those are obligation-exclamations. I know I'm supposed to be excited about my birthday. Especially my 16th. Right? That's one of the handful we're weirdly told are like, The Birthdays.

But I dunno, I feel like birthdays are always disappointing. I always cry. For basically no reason, but also for every reason? Something always goes wrong. Someone always doesn't show up (in this case I'm speaking generally, not just about my "mom" although she said she's coming but……….. believe it when I see it).

Maybe I'd feel different if I was different. Although I just googled "birthday disappointing" and it brought up literally 1.5 million results. So I guess I'm not alone. For once. Which is nice.

I guess I am excited about one thing: 16 means drivers license. I'm not so delusional to that I think I'm gonna get a car or anything like that. I asked Charlie last year if I could start practicing with him on his truck, and he was weirdly super sketchy about it. I thought he'd be all excited. But instead he was like "it's a liability for you to be in the drivers seat of my car before you're legally old enough to be" and I was like "hmmm yeah cool it's definitely not like you do any other illegal stuff, you're notoriously  straight-edge" and he didn't say anything, just got that tight-lipped Charlie Look he gets sometimes and I knew to stop pushing it.

But I don’t care if he helps me or not. I’m going to figure out how to drive, I'm going to get my drivers license, and I'm going to drive a car out of here. By "out of here," I just mean out of town, for any anxious prying eyes thinking I'll drive into another dimension and burn everything down or something. I'm obviously not actually a superhero. I just wanna leave. I wanna wake up one day and look around at my life and think "wow. Yeah. this is mine."

### **July 6, 2020**

My mom didn't come to my birthday, but she did send me a weird bouquet of balloons (because that's what I wanted for my 16th birthday) and one of them was partially-deflated and weighing the other ones down in this really sad way? Which felt like a metaphor. 🤪

I feel like if my "'mom" figured out how to build a factory in another dimension, she could figure out a way for me to leave 7 Monolith. Like. She has a whole research team she gets to order around, so If she really wanted me to be around, she literally has a bunch of scientists at her beck and call to make that happen.

Anyway. I totally made a move on Jesse and she didn't even acknowledge it. Which like, thank god she didn't make it into a whole thing and try to Talk to me about it. I don't know if I would have been able to recover from that. And I mean, I didn't say like: "I have feelings for you" or anything like that, but I gave her a new playlist I made and gave her this Very Meaningful Look and she just said 'Cool, I'll listen to it later." Which is NOT how you act if you have a crush on someone. I mean, I guess I don't even know for sure if I have a crush on her?? I don't think I'm gay?? But also I want to kiss girls sometimes. But also-also I want to kiss boys almost all the time. But I've never done either.

Jesse and Lora and Ximena have started calling themselves The Monolith, and the last like 10 times I've gone to hang with Jesse, she's been with them, and when I come in they all get weird and whispery.

I like X and Lora, but I'm worried about Jesse. She gets so fixated on stuff, and I just want her to be okay.

### **October 13, 2020**

So I know it's been a long time again since I posted, and this time it's because the entire internet was down in this entire insane place. I blame Ximena. You can't go hacking shit when you live in the town-equivalent of a tupperware filled with leftovers from last week that you forgot about.

Another weird dream last night. Things! Are! Crazy!! I guess I shouldn't keep saying "another" and "'weird" because at this point, it's just normal. Does that make sense?

So later on I was hanging out with Jesse and Ximena and Lora and they were talking about their big crazy protest plans etc etc etc and sometimes it just kinda freaks me out to hear them talk about it.

Then I guess I nodded off, and Jesse said she told them to let me sleep. But then I had A Dream, and I guess crazy shit started happening? Like the lights were going bonkers and stuff, just like Rose says happens all the time at home, but the girls had never seen it. Ximena and Lora didn't even know it happened at all. So after a minute of being like WTF, Lora started filming it?

And like. Turns out bonkers lights are the least of the weird. In the video, there's this moment where like... the wall opens up? All swirly and sparkly and like you could step into it and end up somewhere different. Then after like, two seconds, it just... disappears?

### **November 19, 2020**

I'm obsessed with prom because I'll never get to have a prom. Or if I do, it'll be like, me and the four other people in 7MV who would actually come. I'm obsessed with prom because it always seems like magic, and I mean literal magic — like one night it's just Understood that things could change, and big-time. You can look beautiful and sparkly. You can ride in a limousine. You can lose your virginity (or, I dunno, actually kiss someone).

Mom sent me a package today, which is pretty standard. You know, buy my love, capitalist CEO, etc. Normally it's stuff from Omega Mart and things she thinks will encourage me to be obsessed with high-achieving, But this one was...a dress?? This really pretty pale blue dress with layers of tulle and a scoop neck? It's so pretty. Like. SO so pretty. But as soon as I held it up, I could tell it wasn't going to fit. I didn't even have to hold it up to my body — just holding it in the air was like "oh." I mean I doubt it was on purpose, but it definitely sucks so yeah. Gonna go cry now.

### **November 30, 2020**

Okay, so you know how I've always been obsessed with my hair? I mean, no one is more of a Braid Girl than me. But like. I had this dream where I cut my hair, and l...loved it? And I felt more like myself than I ever have?? I don't know. I just feel like lately, there's something that's about to change, You ever get that feeling? Like. you look around at everything you've always known and think, "This is the last time I will ever see these people or this place or these things." I've been feeling that a lot, and I don't know why!

### **January 12, 2021**

Agatha Christie died on this day in 1976. I love a mystery and today is the day one of my mysteries is solved!!!!!!!!

Today is the day that I'm gonna meet my grandpa for the first time, which I feel really weird about. If you just told me "he's Charlie's brother!" then I'd assume I'd love him, because I love Charlie. But every time Walter comes up, Charlie gets really weird (or a different weird, a weirder weird). And yesterday he just looked at me and said "Be careful around him, there's a reason you've never met him." And I shrugged it off but can't stop thinking about it.

I'm sure he's just being protective, the Drams aren’t loved around here...

### **C+25**

vast — it — is — now? i am vast — between — everything is — nothing — it’s hard — to get words out of here — and to go there — i have more than I knew — they — call me — a — rifter — here with others you have no idea — how — vast narrow — our field of vissssssssssssion — —  leaving — the best choice i ever made — i miss you j — if you can get — beyond the overlap — join me —

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what happens to a body question fell into the beam of an ocean