Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 11

DO NOT PROTECT THIS PAGE (UNLESS I HAVE ADMINISTRATOR BACK) IN CASE I NEED TO EDIT PAGE ACCORDINGLY DUE TO POSSIBLE CHANGES IN THE DOCUMENT. Refer to the disclaimers in Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 1 for more information on why this page exists. It's important. But the gist is, I want to archive it/save my work somewhere, and please don't read if you want to wait until I release the finished product. Thank you.

*Pages 251-275*

> John: Take the cake! (01135)

"When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield." -Oscar Wilde

Wise words by a man who likely could resist everything but temptation.

The CAKE forces COLONEL SASSACRE'S TEXT out of your SYLLADEX.

Sassacre you beautiful bastard.

Now's your chance!!!

> John: Abscond. (01136)

Now that DAD is busy placating the SMOKE DETECTOR, you can safely sneak away.

> John: Take PDA. (01137)

You snag your DAD'S PDA. Maybe later you'll switch the background image to something hilarious as a prank. Besides, it may come in handy later.

Your spare CAPTCHALOGUE CARD is forced out of the SYLLADEX, and consequently integrated with the deck. You now have five cards to work with.

> John: Take package. (01138)

This RED PACKAGE is addressed to you.

> John: Take envelope. (01139)

You got the SBURB BETA!!!

Your CLEVER DISGUISE is now on the kitchen floor.

> John: Exit kitchen. (01140)

You see that the right arm on the harlequin doll has fallen off and landed on a small CAKE that was placed on the couch.

> John: Get cake on couch. (01141)

You captchalogue the CAKE on the couch, expelling the PIE TIN from the bottom card. It is in place of where the CAKE once was.

> John: Combine the cakes to make a double decker cake. (01142)

You then merge the two CAKES across all five cards.

Everything in your SYLLADEX is smushed between the CAKES. Why don't you think these things through first??

> John: Retreat upstairs! (01143)

You pause at the juncture and head down the hall. You are going to need something to clean up the mess you are about to make by dissecting this CAKE.

To the left is the BATHROOM. To the right is your DAD'S ROOM. It is locked, and you are forbidden from ever entering. He has secrets.

> John: Go to bathroom and grab a towel. (01144)

You enter the BATHROOM. You can see your BACK YARD from the window. The jewel in its crown is the SWING SET which has provided you with years of joy. There is also a SPRING-MOUNTED POGO-RIDE, which has been responsible for more than one painful injury, and has provided you with years of lament.

On the sink is your DAD'S RAZOR. On the rack to the side is a FRESH TOWEL.

> John: Remove PDA, envelope and package from cake. (01145)

You take the RAZOR and use it to perform surgery on the CAKE.

You take the TOWEL and clean off the extracted goods.

> John: Retrieve your items. (01146)

The items force the MANHANDLED CAKE into the TOILET.

And just like that, your SYLLADEX is full again. God this thing is annoying.

> John: Go to bedroom. (01147)

There are now two CHUMS pestering you at the same time.

> John: Admire "Failure to Launch" poster. (01148)

You're not usually into chick-flicks, but Matthew McConaughey's cool charisma could salvage any heap of smoldering wreckage.

This is your "McConaughey Wall", a casual shrine to an amazing actor. The film above that one is a lot better, you think.

CAN YOU SEE HER? I WANT YOU TO PICTURE THAT LITTLE GIRL. [chokes up] NOW IMAGINE SHE'S WHITE.

You got us Matthew! Your smooth talking exposed our latent racism! Damn you are good!

> John: Check Pesterchum. (01149)

Pesterlog

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:34 --

GG: hi happy birthday john!!!!! <3

GG: helloooooo??

GG: ok i will talk to you later!!! :D

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:56 --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:40 --

TG: hey GG is looking for you why are you even so popular all of a sudden

TG: is today some sort of special occasion or something

TG: did you do something to curry favor with ladies

TG: did you break your leg on a puppy or some shit

TG: dude what are you doing

-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --

EB: i discovered a comet that is going to destroy the earth, and it was named after me.

EB: now i am famous, and everyone wants to talk to me a lot.

TG: no stop

TG: just no

TG: dont talk about your awful stupid movies or make references to them

TG: your gross man-bro crush on matt macconahay is an unsavory thing to behold

EB: mcconaughey.

TG: sounds like a noise a horse would make

TG: ie dumb

TG: equally dumb are all those pictures of that clown youve got hanging up

EB: those are my dad's.

TG: i was talking about nick cage

EB: oh, what?! no man, cage is sweet. so sweet.

TG: ha ha so lame

TG: you dont even like him ironically or anything this is like for real isnt it

TG: hahaha

EB: i do things ironically sometimes.

EB: what about what i sent you for your birthday?

TG: no those are awesome

EB: what? no, they're stupid, which was the joke. the IRONIC joke. get it?

EB: wait...

EB: you're actually wearing them, aren't you?

TG: im wearing them ironically

TG: because theyre awesome

TG: the fact that theyre ironic makes them awesome

TG: and vice versa

TG: are you taking notes on how to be cool?? jesus get a fucking pen

EB: you do realize they touched stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point.

TG: ew yeah

TG: oh well

TG: anyway speaking of which

TG: did you get the mail

EB: yeah.

TG: did there happen to be a package there

EB: yeah, there's a big red one.

TG: you should probably open it

EB: i would, but it's trapped under the sburb beta, so i will probably open it after i install the beta.

TG: oh man the beta came

EB: yeah! wanna play it?

TG: haha no way

EB: why not!

TG: it sounds so HELLS of boring just get TT to play it she is all about that

EB: where'd she go.

TG: her internet is blinking in and out i guess

TG: probably be back online soon

TG: oh and christ in a sidecar are you still using the stack modus???

TG: seriously dude

TG: you need to BONE UP on your data structures that shit is just ridiculous

EB: ok, i will.

> John: Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.com (01150)

You decide to space out on the computer for a while before doing anything important.

You open the TYPHEUS web browser and direct it to what is indisputably the most amazing website ever created.

"Midnight Crew

You are members of a sinister gang called the Midnight Crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in their complexity. Your schemes, convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout.

What will you do?"

The new adventure is ok, but you're not sure if you like it as much as the last one.

> John: Install the Sburb beta. (01151)

You decide it's time for less meta, and more beta.

You insert the CD and install the SBURB BETA.

"SBURB CLIENT

SBURB version 0.0.1

© SKAIANET SYSTEMS INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

SBURB client is running.

Waiting for server to establish connection…"

What the fuck is this.

> John: Bone up on data structures. (01152)

You go to your CLOSET, where you keep a lot of clothes and an array of handy COMPUTER PROGRAMMING GUIDES.

> John: Read Data Structures book. (01153)

"DATA STRUCTURES for ASSHOLES

By Buckminster Funnyuncle

'I think my rage just crapped its pants.'

-Funnyuncle

Your ignorance just made me throw up a little. Get a clue, you computer-illiterate piece of shit.

FREE FETCH MODUS IN BACK!!!"

You're not sure you really want to dig into this huge tome. It looks really boring. And kind of ornery.

Maybe you'll just check out that free modus instead.

> John: Get free Fetch Modus. (01154)

You turn to the back inside cover, where a free FETCH MODUS is included in a plastic sleeve.

This one is dictated by the logic of a QUEUE DATA STRUCTURE, operating on a "First In, First Out" method, rather than a "First In, Last Out" method of a STACK.

> John: Apply Fetch Modus to Sylladex. (01155)

Items captchalogued in your SYLLADEX are no longer immediately accessible. You can only use the item on the bottom card, and must wait for items on upper cards to be pushed back to it.

For instance, the RED PACKAGE is now inaccessible. You can only use the RAZOR at the moment.

This modus doesn't strike you as a significant upgrade to your previous one. In fact, it almost seems more inconvenient. You figure you might as well give it a chance though.

> John: Switch back to Stack Modus. (01156)

You suddenly wonder if this is even possible. You don't even remember if you ever had a physical card for the STACK MODUS.

You find this all to be a little abstract and you'd prefer not to think about it too much.

> John: Put down razor. (01157)

Put it...

Down?

...

You're not quite sure you understand.

> John: Pick up two items. (01158)

You captchalogue one of the CAKES.

You've finally found a use for all these loitering pastries: DEAD WEIGHT.

> John: Get other cake. (01159)

The second CAKE causes the RAZOR to launch out the front of your SYLLADEX.

Oh good lord.

THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE.

You wish the RAZOR would have failed to launch.

Except it didn't land in that poster, but the "A Time To Kill" one instead. Oh wait, that would've been a funnier joke. DAMN IT!

> John: Get more stuff. (01160)

You open your MAGIC CHEST and captchalogue one of your favorite books of all time, WISE GUY BY MIKE CAVENEY.

There goes the FRESH TOWEL.

> John: Might as well grab those cuffs. (01161)

You take the TRICK HANDCUFFS, expelling the PDA like a bullet.

Oh God dammit. It broke through your window. You're going to need a way to get that back somehow. Fortunately, there is the option of just going outside to get it.

> John: Open up that package! (01162)

You examine the red package. It is from one of your internet chums, TG, which is strikingly appropriate for obvious reasons.

It's bound in packing tape though. You'll need something sharp to open it.

Ah, of course! The RAZOR! It's all so simple, you wonder why you didn't…

> John: Get razor. (01163)

The package knocks you on the side of your head.

> John: Pick up package again. (01164)

Let's take this from the top.

Unfortunately, the already injured Matthew McConaughey is bearing the brunt of CAKE on his face. You would enjoy the prankster's gambit, but at what cost, you wonder…

> John: Catchalogue glass shards. (01165)

You take three GLASS SHARDS in quick succession and duck for cover.

Your SYLLADEX rains devastation on your room from above. CAKE, WISEGUY, and TRICK HANDCUFFS are out of the question, which is a window.

And now that your cards are packed with glass, you probably don't want to do that again any time soon.

You should probably go get that stuff before you forget. The TRICK HANDCUFFS look like they're going to be a pain in the ass to get, though, hanging off a tree branch like that.

> John: Use the razor on the red package. (01166)

You open the package. There is something suspicious inside.

Something suspiciously dirty and smelly.

It is a STUFFED BUNNY. Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.

But no, it is not merely LIKE that bunny. According to this NOTE OF AUTHENTICITY, it is the VERY SAME BUNNY.

This is so awesome.

> John: Check status of Sburb beta. (01167)

It looks like your computer is trying to get your attention.

> John: Look at monitor. (01168)

"SBURB CLIENT

SBURB version 0.0.1

© SKAIANET SYSTEMS INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

SBURB client is running.

A SBURB host user is attempting to connect with you.

Client has established connection with host.

Press [ENTER] when ready.

> \_"

> John: Check Pesterchum window. (01169)

Pesterlog

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:08 --

TT: It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent.

TT: I'm going to try to connect.

EB: whoa ok but i just got the most awesome present.

TT: The rabbit?

EB: SO SWEET.

TT: I've heard tales of this wretched creature often. Its Homeric legend is practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology by now.

EB: ha ha, what?

TT: Why don't we focus on the matter at hand?

EB: oh the game, ok.

EB: i don't really know how this works. what am i even looking at here?

TT: You are running the client application. I am running the server, so I am the host user. I have established a connection with you. This is sufficient for us to play the game.

EB: oh, ok then.

TT: Why don't we get started?

> John: Press [ENTER] (01170)

You press enter, and you are met with a loading screen. While it loads, it shows an animated SBURBAN GATE that changes colors and positions, and moves all around. The loading text under it mentions a lot of things that you clearly don't understand and probably never will. All you know is, it's at least loading the game. You can't help but get mesmerized by the gate's animation.

After all that, green text that tells the game's name just shows up on a black screen. You find the contrast particularly amusing.

You are now TT. You are looking inside your CLIENT's room, and you have access to the game's interface. You can look around and zoom in/out.

You also have access to seven tools:

-Select

-Revise

-Deploy

-Phernalia Registry

-Grist Cache

-Explore Atheneum

-Alchemy Excursus

> TT: Select magic chest. (01171)

You use the SELECT tool to lift the magic chest up. It turns out that there is a spare STACK MODUS card under that chest.

> TT: Zoom out. (01172)

First, you use one of the curved arrows to turn left, now having a different perspective of John's room. You then zoom out to make the viewfinder go outside the house.

> TT: Drop chest. (01173)

You drop the magic chest on the roof. When it lands, the chest closes itself, just barely sticking on there as it slides off a little. John hears the noise of the landing.

Pesterlog

EB: whoa, what are you doing??

TT: Sorry. I'm just getting a feel for the controls.

EB: is my magic chest on the roof now??

TT: Yes.

EB: :(

TT: I will try to be more careful next time.

> John: Get the card. (01174)

You find your missing STACK FETCH MODUS, and quickly reapply it to your SYLLADEX. You can now opt for either the STACK or QUEUE modus any time.

You toggle between your FETCH MODI with gleeful abandon.

It looks like your DAD is leaving again for more baking supplies. You're relieved to have the house to yourself again, if only for a few minutes.

You just hope he doesn't notice the MAGIC CHEST on the roof. Or all the shit you threw out the window, for that matter.

> TT: Select stuff in yard and move it back into room. (01175)

Pesterlog

EB: hey, do you think you could do me a favor?

EB: can you grab all that stuff outside my broken window and bring it in for me?

TT: I'll give it a shot.

EB: thx!

TT: No luck.

TT: It appears to be out of range. I'm guessing it is too far away from you, the "player".

EB: :C

> TT: Select John. (01176)

You cannot select a PLAYER!

JOHN abjures the meddlesome cursor.

> TT: Select bunny. (01177)

You select the bunny. It looks awfully familiar.

> TT: Put the bunny back in the box. (01178)

John feels joy because of your enigmatic (and plainly obvious) movie reference.

> TT: Revise room. (01179)

You use the REVISE tool to add space into John's room. The calendar and movie poster have moved with the wall as a consequence of being caught in the revision space.

> TT: Open Phernalia Registry. (01180)

You have a list of three PHERNALIA to choose from:

-CRUXTRUDER

-TOTEM LATHE

-ALCHEMITER

> TT: Deploy Totem Lathe. (01181)

You use the DEPLOY tool to deploy the TOTEM LATHE in the newly-created space you made for the room.

> John: Examine Totem Lathe. (01182)

You don't know what the heck this thing does, but it looks neat!

> TT: Open Grist Cache (01183)

It tells you that your current CACHE LIMIT is 20, and that the blue ELONGATED HEXAGONAL BIPYRAMIDs are called BUILD GRIST. There's also a purple and green version, plus a white cube and a yellow teardrop.

There seems to be 31 more collectables that are unknown to the game, or unknown to you; it's too early to tell which. There also must be a way to obtain all of these collectables. You notice that you have 16 BUILD GRIST left, meaning that you must have spent some revising the room. You have none of the rest of them.

Pesterlog

TT: It seems expanding the dimensions of your room cost us some "Build Grist".

TT: But deploying the lathe did not appear to incur any expense.

TT: It looks like certain objects are freebies, probably to help you set up the game.

EB: wow, ok.

EB: what do they do?

TT: I think it's up to you to find out.

TT: All I can do is drop stuff in your house, and move it around, apparently.

EB: how do i move stuff around? it sounds fun!

TT: I don't think you can as the client. You will need to install the server application.

TT: You should have received both in separate envelopes. I am running both on my computer right now.

EB: what??

TT: Did you get another envelope in the mail?

EB: no!

TT: Once you install the server and establish a connection, I'm sure you will be able to manipulate my environment in the same manner.

TT: Are you sure you didn't get it?

EB: oh man.

EB: i think i might know where it is.

Indeed, the green package and the server application is still in DAD's car. John will have to wait until DAD comes back in order to retrieve it.

Pesterlog

TT: Now that your room is bigger, why don't you move to the far corner?

TT: It will extend the range of the cursor, and I can reach the items.

TT: Which... you threw out the window for some reason?

EB: good idea!

TT: What have you been doing in here all afternoon, anyway?

EB: ugh, i was fussing with my retarded sylladex.

EB: but i think i have it under control now.

EB: what modus do you use?

TT: I like to use trees.

EB: oh no, that sounds so awkward.

TT: It's not exceptionally practical.

TT: But I think they are elegant.

> John: Stand in corner. (01184)

You stand in the corner. The range is now just large enough for TT to pick up WISE GUY and DAD'S PDA. She doesn't pay any attention to the HANDCUFFS on the tree. Both of them are now in your room.

> TT: Deploy Cruxtruder. (01185)

Before you deploy the CRUXTRUDER, you notice that the empty space is now occupied by a PRE-PUNCHED CARD. You don't think you have the means to know what that is yet.

Let's see, that little groove in front of the rug and the couch seems like a perfect fit. And, it is.

> TT: Deploy Alchemiter. (01186)

Looks like there's another new device to gawk at: a PUNCH DESIGNIX. It doesn't take a genius to know that it may be related to or could be used in conjunction with the PRE-PUNCHED CARD.

Deploying it is out of the question; it looks like you will need 4 of those purple bipyramids. It looks like there's no way to get these special currencies at the moment; not even the BUILD GRIST.

Maybe the ALCHEMITER is part of the solution? You put it in the house's observatory deck.

Pesterlog

EB: why is the floor shaking?

EB: are you dropping more stuff in my house?

TT: Yes. Two more large gizmos.

EB: sweet!

EB: what is with all these big contraptions?

TT: If I had to guess, they appear to facilitate a sort of system involving punch card-based alchemy.

EB: huh.

EB: to what end?

EB: i mean what are we supposed to be doing in this game?

TT: That remains to be seen.

TT: Maybe you should go investigate?

> John: Get PDA. (01187)

You grab the PDA, switching back to STACK MODUS so it is readily accessible.

The interface is oddly sterile. No hilarious clown wallpapers or anything like that. (Oops, you mean harlequin wallpapers.)

The SERIOUS BUSINESS application is open. It seems your DAD uses it to keep tabs on various acquaintances... his fellow street performers, maybe?

"SERIOUS BUSINESS

The following matters have been submitted in a frank and forthright manner for pipefan413's judicious appraisal.

grayslacks66 - 17:21

Need counsel on removing coffee from necktie. Incident occurred 45 seconds ago. Beverage essences rapidly settling into fabric.

2busy4this - 17:22

pl elab on 'incident'

grayslacks66 - 17:22

Was posturing unevenly to reach for hat on wall hook. Tip of tie slipped in open mouth of pot. Duration of "dunk": approx. 3 seconds.

officeurchin1280 - 17:23

Photographic documentation of incident?

wellPressedAttire - 17:23

Use ballpoint pen to roll up tip of cloth. Extract pen. Press rolled cloth against ceramic surface, e.g. restroom sink. In future: consider repositioning hat hook and/or coffee pot.

grayslacks66 - 17:24

Decided to return home for fresh tie. Soiled tie will be laundered immediately upon return."

You guess the performing arts must be pretty serious business after all.

> John: Install Pesterchum. (01188)

This should be useful. Now you can keep tabs on your chums while you wander around the house.

> John: Go out to balcony. (01189)

Pesterlog

EB: hey, i'm out on the balcony now.

EB: i am messaging from my dad's pda.

TT: The one you threw into the yard?

EB: no, i am telling you.

EB: it jumped out of my sylladex like a frightened weasel.

TT: What were you doing with it in the first place?

TT: I am not sensing a lot of regard for the personal property of others.

TT: Is this how your pent-up frustration with your father manifests itself?

EB: what? no.

EB: those were all accidents.

EB: please take your psycho-babblery elsewhere, miss!

TT: Your bathroom is a mess.

TT: Did you do that too?

EB: oh man, see this isn't cool.

EB: all this snooping nonsense!

TT: There's a cake in the toilet.

EB: yes. there is.

TT: I'm tempted to clean it up for you.

EB: ok, if that will satisfy your weird ocd complex then go ahead.

TT: My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder complex?

TT: Can a disorder also be a complex?

EB: in your case, probably!

TT: Sounds complicated.

EB: anyway...

EB: i am going to have a look at this enormous platformy thing you put on the balcony.

> John: Examine Alchemiter in a cautious manner. (01190)

You have no idea what to do with this thing. You can't find any controls for it.

Having exhausted all other possibilities, you just decide to stand on it.

This isn't very cautious of you, actually.

> John: Look through telescope. (01191)

It is a clear, sunny day. Nothing out of the ordinary to report. At least, not beyond the walls of your own home.

> TT: Grab the soiled toilet. (01192)

You attempt to grab the toilet. However, it doesn't go as you intended. The toilet is stuck to the ground because of the plumbing system, and by grabbing it, you forcefully disconnected it, thus taking the ground below it with you. This action costs you (2) BUILD GRIST.

Pesterlog

TT: Whoops.

EB: whoops what?

> TT: Put toilet outside. (01193)

You put it outside near the SWING-SET and the POGO-RIDE, at the extent of which the RANGE can allow.

Pesterlog

EB: what was that noise?

EB: is this something i should go investigate?

TT: No, I have it under control.

TT: You can keep playing with your telescope.

> John: Investigate. (01194)

You go to the bathroom and find that the toilet is gone, leaving a huge hole in the ground. One of the plumbing pipes is exposed, and it's spitting out water.

Pesterlog

EB: augh!

TT: I think I can patch it up.

TT: Just give me a little space.

TT: Why don't you go have a look at the Cruxtruder?

EB: the what?

TT: The thing I put in your living room.

You are more interested in what's down this hole. You see a backdoor, a SLEDGEHAMMER, and a green CAPTCHALOGUE CARD. You can only assume that it's for the STRIFE DECK, based on the color.

> John: Hop down the hole. (01195)

You jump down to the UTILITY ROOM.

> John: Get sledgehammer and card. (01196)

You take the SLEDGEHAMMER and the CAPTCHALOGUE CARD, combine the two, and quickly apply it to your STRIFE SPECIBUS.

You think it's cool that things don't always have to be a federal fucking issue.

It looks like another one of your chums is pestering you on your PDA.

> John: Answer chum. (01197)

Pesterlog

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:25 --

GG: john did you get my package??

EB: oh hey!

EB: no, not yet.

GG: darn! are you sure? it was in a green box.....

EB: oh!

EB: yes, but it is in my dad's car and he is still out at the store.

EB: he should be back soon.

GG: great!!! so what are you up to today?

EB: i am up to my neck in this sburb stuff.

EB: TT is making a royal mess of my house.

GG: lol!

GG: whats sburb??

EB: oh, it is this game.

EB: it's ok i guess. i'm still figuring it out.

GG: whoa what was that?????

EB: what was what?

GG: there was a loud noise outside my house!!

GG: it sounded like an explosion!!!!

EB: wow, really?

GG: i will go outside and look....

EB: oh man, alright but be careful, ok?

GG: i will! :)

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:28 –

> John: Might as well check out the Cruxtruder. (01198)

Pesterlog

EB: oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door?

TT: There's a door there?

EB: um, YEAH???

TT: I didn't see it.

TT: I just thought it fit nicely into that groove.

EB: you mean you thought it was elegant?

EB: ok well what do i do with this thing.

EB: hello?

EB: what are you doing up there now?

TT grabs the bathtub in the bathroom, severing it from the plumbing system and taking the ground with it.

Pesterlog

TT: Oh fuck.

> John: Examine wheel on the Cruxtruder. (01199)

When you turn the wheel, something seems to be pushing up from underneath the lid.

But you aren't strong enough to make the lid come off!

> TT: Put bathtub in driveway. (01200)

On the tub's journey to the driveway, the connection is interrupted.

The tub is forcibly dropped on the walkway near the large harlequin poster, blocking the stairs. Two more BUILD GRIST is depleted.

> John: Scold TT. (01201)

You figure that merely scolding her isn't enough. You ought to deliberately stand on the bathtub, too.

Pesterlog

EB: you can see me, right.

EB: tell me what is wrong with this picture.

TT: Sorry. I keep losing the wireless signal.

TT: Must be the weather.

TT: I would look for a stronger signal in another part of the house, but I'd rather not risk an encounter with my mother.

TT: I battled through her cloud of gin and derision once already this evening.

EB: haha, yeah I hear you.

TT: Yes. Cake, jesters, unfaltering love and support.

TT: Quite a road to hoe there.

TT: Though I suppose I'm complicit for not informing Social Services about your situation.

EB: i know!

EB: what about going outside?

EB: maybe you could catch a neighbor's signal.

TT: That presents the same problem.

TT: Also, it's raining, remember?

TT: And dark.

EB: It's dark already?

TT: Yes, the sun has already had its way with us here on the east coast.

TT: Its lurid glare has moved on to younger timezones.

EB: haha, um, ok.

> John: Hit Cruxtruder with sledgehammer. (01202)

The SLEDGEHAMMER is too heavy for your noodle arms to wield properly!

Pesterlog

TT: Need some help?

> TT: Pick up sledgehammer. (01203)

With your help, John hits the lid of the CRUXTRUDER with the SLEDGEHAMMER.

The CRUXTRUDER glows blue, and something in it forcibly pops the lid open. It is a flashing blue, black and white ball of…something.

A countdown appears on the CRUXTRUDER's four small screens, counting down from four minutes and 13 seconds.

Pesterlog

EB: what is this thing?

EB: and what is that clock counting down to?

TT: I've been looking at the GameFAQ walkthroughs to figure some of this stuff out.

TT: Hold while I read further.

EB: ok.

TT: All of these walkthroughs are extremely short.

TT: None progress much further than this point.

EB: weird.

EB: well, i mean it is a new game.

TT: True.

TT: Now that the lid is off, you will need to extrude some "Cruxite".

> John: Turn wheel again. (01204)

You extrude ONE (1) CRUXITE DOWEL.

> John: Get cruxite. (01205)

You catchalogue the CRUXITE DOWEL.

Pesterlog

TT: I feel like we should be hurrying. That countdown is making me nervous.

TT: John?

TT: Oh. Your PDA is trapped under the cruxite now, isn't it.

TT: Anyway, it looks like you are going to need this card too.

> TT: Deploy Pre-punched Card. (01206)

You place the card near John. You didn't quite notice before, but you see that it has a cyan apple on the card, along with little slits over it.

> John: Get card. (01207)

A SHARD OF GLASS is expelled from the deck and maims the HARLEQUIN DOLL.

One of the hat's pieces fall on the PIE TIN.

> John: Captchalogue fanciful harlequins. (01208)

You take TWO (2) FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS.

The additional useless freight pushes your PDA to the last card. You then switch to the QUEUE MODUS so you can access the PDA.

More glass shrapnel flies from the deck. The HARLEQUIN DOLL looks like he's seen better days.

You notice something weird happening with the blue ball. It looks like it is attempting to talk to you, but its language is incomprehensible.

Pesterlog

EB: this thing keeps following me around.

EB: i think it's trying to talk to me or something.

TT: That is probably the "Kernelsprite".

TT: It apparently needs to be "prototyped".

TT: Twice, actually.

TT: Whatever the hell that means.

TT: These walkthroughs are horrendously written.

EB: hmm, ok.

EB: well, you are the one with the cursor so just do whatever you think is the right thing to do!

EB: also, fix my bathroom.

> TT: Drop maimed harlequin into Kernelsprite. (01209)

The KERNELSPRITE has been prototyped with the HARLEQUIN DOLL. It now looks like a floating harlequin head in front of a blue ball, with a fake arm accompanying it. The sprite's indecipherable language changes to somewhat represent the prototype. It still sounds like nothing to you; nothing you can understand, at least.

Pesterlog

EB: i still can't understand this thing's gobbledygook.

TT: That was only "Tier One Prototyping".

TT: There is still another tier to the prototyping process.

TT: Which for all we know merely advances this entity through increasingly esoteric states of linguistics.

EB: the clock is ticking.

EB: we don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery.

TT: This unmitigated poppycock?

EB: extravagant hogwash!

EB: ok stop

EB: stop typing whatever silly thing you're typing.

EB: i'm going upstairs to the big platformy thing.

TT: The alchemiter?

EB: ??

TT: Try to learn the lingo.

> John: Use pre-punched card with the alchemiter. (01210)

There is no slot for a card anywhere to be found on the ALCHEMITER!

The KERNELSPRITE followed you upstairs.

> TT: Explore Atheneum. (01211)

Acquiring a CRUXITE DOWEL seems to have populated the ATHENEUM with one item: a PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECT.

> John: Captchalogue telescope. (01212)

You snatch the TELESCOPE from its TRIPOD. Who knows, it might be useful. But more importantly, it pushes the CRUXITE to the last card making it available for tinkering.

The PDA is predictably jettisoned into the yard, over the neighbor's fence.

> John: Put cruxite on weird pattern on alchemiter. (01213)

You place the CRUXITE DOWEL on the ALCHEMITER'S small pedestal.

The ALCHEMITER's arm fires a red laser at the CRUXITE, seemingly doing nothing in particular.

> TT: Summon generic objects. (01214)

You set the ALCHEMITER to cast THREE (3) PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS for some reason, expending a total of 6 units of BUILD GRIST.

These things look completely useless. What a waste!

Out of the corner of John's eye, he notices something in the sky.

> John: Switch modus and use telescope to inspect sky. (01215)

You switch back to STACK MODUS and get a closer look with your TELESCOPE.

Whatever it is, the KERNELSPRITE seems particularly agitated about it.

You see what seems to be a shooting star…in broad daylight? A frighteningly more likely explanation rears its ugly head.

You're no astronomer, but its trajectory looks suspiciously head-on with your current perspective.

This is a troubling development.

Three minutes remain.

> John: High-five Kernelsprite. (01216)

You figure you've left him hanging long enough.

> John: Attempt to ingest a unit of build grist. (01217)

It is tempting because they strongly resemble Rockin' Blue Raspberry Gushers. However, units of BUILD GRIST are a gaming abstraction and do not seem to exist on the physical plane!

There is apparently no crisis so imminent that will deter you from contemplating idiotic and frivolous actions.

Pesterlog

TT: Your dad is getting home.

TT: John?

TT: What did you do with your PDA this time?

TT: I'm working on the bathroom.

TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.

> TT: Revise bathroom. (01218)

You patch up the cracks on the floor. (2) BUILD GRIST remain.

Meanwhile, DAD is confused about why the front door is jammed. He then starts walking to the back door, finding the soiled toilet along the way.

It's a crushing reality, isn't it? This "game," or whatever you're supposed to call it, is actually affecting the real life environment. It is quite disturbing. That countdown is not helping matters.

> John: Run to your room and contact TT through Pesterchum. (01219)

Two chums have been trying to message you.

> John: Answer chums. (01220)

Pesterlog

TT: I'm working on the bathroom.

TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.

EB: oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!!!

TT: I see.

TT: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game?

EB: i don't know, maybe! what do i do!

TT: I think it's very likely.

TT: The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end.

TT: The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous.

TT: As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm.

TT: Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable.

EB: wow, FASCINATING.

EB: ??????

TT: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms.

TT: Try using the lathe.

TT: It says you can use the card on it, but isn't more specific than that.

EB: ok i'll do that.

TT: Really, it is a labor to read this drivel.

TT: If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar.

TT: While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair.

TT: I think I will write my own walkthrough.

TT: That is, after we make sure you don't die.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:34 --

TG: i heard you got the box

TG: i hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you

TG: in my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way

TG: also i hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you

TG: its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon

TG: hey where are you

EB: oh man, the bunny was awesome, but i don't have time to talk, i'm playing sburb and it's kind of a nightmare.

EB: TT is breaking everything in my house.

TG: dude i told you to steer clear of that game

TG: and for that matter you should probably wash your hands of flighty broads and their snarky horseshit altogether

EB: and now there's a meteor coming, and i'm not even joking about that!!!

EB: it's like a big asteroid or comet or something.

EB: in the sky.

EB: heading right for my house!!!!!!!!

TG: oh man

TG: how big is it

EB: i dunno.

EB: big, i guess.

EB: i gotta go!

EB: we'll talk later if i am still alive and the earth isn't blown up.

TG: like the size of texas

TG: or just rhode island

TG: theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us

TG: but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG

TG: like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir

TG: OH SHIT

TG: or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir

TG: OH SHIT

TG: sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick

TG: OH SNAP

TG: sir are you familiar with jupiter

TG: you mean like the planet?

TG: yeah

TG: well its that big sir

TG: hmm that sounds pretty big

TG: i have a question

TG: is it jupiter?

TG: yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter

TG: OH SHIT

TG: anyway later

> John: Use pre-punched card on totem lathe. (01221)

You slip the PRE-PUNCHED CARD into a slot on the TOTEM LATHE. Above, the TOOL ARM deploys a configuration of chisels.

Now you just need something to lathe.

> John: Take cruxite to totem lathe. (01222)

Cursing your lack of foresight, you return to the BALCONY for the CRUXITE DOWEL you left on the pedestal.

You navigate the hallway leery of your DAD, who is presently puzzling over the new fixture in his hallway.

> TT: Remove huge mess from toilet and put it back in bathroom. (01223)

The perfect crime.

Might not be so perfect to people with eyes. The ground from before is still attached to the toilet. You are unsure if you have enough BUILD GRIST to remove it.

> John: Captchalogue cruxite. (01224)

You retrieved the CRUXITE DOWEL.

DAD just shrugs and heads back downstairs, presumably to do some more baking.

If only he knew you were hard at work saving his ass.