Bridesman of Rosemary/Transcript

(We fade into a big bustling city, full of cars zooming across the street. Cut to Nutmeg and Maus, who are staring at the sidewalk. Nearby is a pizzaria, which sits on the other side.)

Maus: Oh, come on! Of course traffic gets heavy when I want a pizza.

Nutmeg: I’m convinced you only think about your stomach, 90% of the time.

Maus: So, sue me! I’m a mouse for crying out loud! Mice gotta eat too!

Nutmeg: Mice aren’t bottomless pits, ya know.

Maus: Okay, fine. Just stop whining and help me get myself a deep dish! I’ll order ya some onion rings if you do it!

(Maus pulls out a coupon for free onion rings. Nutmeg looks at it and then at the camera in annoyance.)

Nutmeg (sarcastically): Oh boy, onion rings. Hip hip hurray.

Maus: You won’t even do it for a fish stick?

Nutmeg: I ain’t no great dane! You’re not gonna convince me, no way, no how!

(Suddenly, Rosemary passes by.)

Rosemary: Hey, boys! I was just heading to the pizzeria for some breadsticks! Wanna come?

(Hearts appear in Nutmeg’s eyes.)

Nutmeg: S-sure! Uh-huh! I was TOTALLY heading there! Definitely, definitely. Yes, ma’am!

(Nutmeg begins floating in a comedic fashion. Maus grabs his tail and floats with him, offscreen. Crossfade to inside the pizzeria, where Maus and Brighty are sitting at a table. Brighty is eating a pepperoni pizza. The camera zooms out and reveals that Maus is sitting underneath the pizza, heating it up with his anger, steaming hot body.)

Brighty: Gee, thanks for helping me cook up this pizza, Maus! I thought I’d just be eating raw dough tonight!

Maus: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

(Maus slumps over in anger. Brighty looks at him, confused.)

Brighty: Say, what’s the problem with pepperoni, bud? Did ya think I should have ordered plain cheese?

(Maus then points over to where two silhouettes are sitting. It’s revealed to be Nutmeg and Rosemary, who are both sitting together. Rosemary is casually eating some pizza, while Nutmeg nervously blushes on the other side, just smiling and staring. Sweat goes down his face.)

Maus: It’s not the pizza, you two-brained knucklehead! It’s those two lovebirds! They’ve been getting on my nerves for the past hour! And look at Nutmeg, he’s a complete wreck over there!

Brighty: Jeez, ever heard of a zen crystal?

(Parsley suddenly pops up from behind them, eating a breadstick filled with cheese.)

Parsley: Tell me about it. I know I was a lousy boyfriend, but even I see that Nutmeg’s a mess.

Maus: Awh, no! YOU again?! What do you want now?

Parsley: Hey, hey, hey! I don’t wanna cause any trouble, honest! But, come on, we can’t just sit here and watch Nutmeg flop! I think we gotta sap up that lowlife’s love life, ya hear?

(Cut to Brighty and Maus. Brighty is drinking out of a ketchup bottle.)

Brighty: He’s got a point.

Maus: Alright, fine! But, promise you ain’t gonna pull any funny business!

Parsley: Cross my heart and hope to die!

(Brighty grabs both of their hands and forces them to handshake. Lightning bursts out of both of them and they are shocked into piles of ash. Brighty notices two joy buzzers on both of their hands. He shrugs. Cut to Nutmeg and Rosemary. Rosemary has just finished her pizza.)

Rosemary: Man, that hit the spot! I’ll see ya later, Nutmeg!

Nutmeg: Huh? Oh, okay..

Pizza worker: The bill-a, sir. WAHOO!

(Maus slides into frame, right next to Nutmeg.)

Maus: Hey, buddy, how’s it hanging?

Nutmeg: \*sigh\* A little bit off to the side, Maus. I don’t feel so good.

Maus: Aw, come on! Don't be like that! I'm your pal!

(Cut to Maus, who is now a small fly near Nutmeg’s head.)

Maus: What's bugging ya?

(Cut to Brighty and Parsley, who are watching the conversation. Brigthy pulls out a pair of binoculars, but is holding them the wrong way. Parsley smacks him on the back of the head. Cut back to Nutmeg and Maus.)

Nutmeg: Well, every time I’m near Rosemary,  I just freeze up!

(Nutmeg begins shivering, before becoming a brown popsicle. Maus pulls out a chisel and a hammer. He hits Nutmeg with the hammer, breaking him into multiple frozen pieces. The pieces slide into each other, morphing back into Nutmeg.)

Nutmeg: Sometimes when she walks by, I get butterflies in my stomach!

(He burps, causing butterflies to fly out. One butterfly stops midair and puts on a brown hat and whips out a suitcase. He pulls out a red sign that says “CAT FOR SALE” in big white letters and stabs it into Nutmeg’s nose.

Butterfly: I’m outta here, man! Your breath stinks!

(He flies away. Cut to Maus, who is writing everything down with a pencil on a notepad.)

Nutmeg: And when I try to talk to her, I get all tonguetied and I get a nasty stutter!

(Nutmeg whips out a pig mask and puts it on.)

Nutmeg: T-t-t-that's all folks!

(Cut back to Maus.)

Maus: I see.. Tell me, what do you feel when this all happens?

Nutmeg: Well, I feel like I’m falling apart.

(Nutmeg explodes, leaving tiny little versions of himself running around. Cut to Brighty and Parsley, who are watching this all happen. Brighty’s eyes light up. He grabs one from the floor)

Brighty: Aw, they’re so cute! Can we keep 'em? Can we keep 'em?

(One of the clones smacks him in the face. He hops back onto the floor and screams, causing all the others to stop running.)

Nutmeg Clone #1: Pull yourselves together, men!

Nutmeg Clones: Aye-aye captain!

(One clone jumps up from the crowd.)

Nutmeg Clone #2: Aye-aye sir!

(All of the clones begin marching and then jump into each other, morphing back into Nutmeg.)

Nutmeg: I’m a junkyard, I tell ya! A mess!

Maus: Don’t worry! I got some people who can help you! Wait right here!

(Maus rushes back to Brighty and Parsley and gives them his notes.)

Maus: Well, what do ya think?

Brighty: I think you’re playing a really different version of Tic Tac Toe.

(Parsley slaps him and grabs the notepad.)

Parsley: Hmmm…… oh… oh…. Oh, this is very good, U-ugh, what the?! UGH! BRIGHTY!

(Cut to the notes, which have now been scribbled on by Brighty. The text is now covered by a poorly done Tic Tac Toe game, ruining any of the notes.)

Parsley: You brainless hyena! You ruined the notes! Now, we’ll never find a way to make Nutmeg speak to Rosemary!

(Maus rushes back to Brighty and Parsley and gives them his notes.)

Maus: Well, what do ya think?

Brighty: I think you’re playing a really different version of Tic Tac Toe.

(Parsley slaps him and grabs the notepad.)

Parsley: Hmmm…… oh… oh…. Oh, this is very good, U-ugh, what the?! UGH! BRIGHTY!

(Cut to the notes, which have now been scribbled on by Brighty. The text is now covered by a poorly done Tic Tac Toe game, ruining any of the notes.)

Parsley: You brainless hyena! You ruined the notes! Now, we’ll never find a way to make Nutmeg speak to Rosemary!

Brighty: Huh, oh no! Why?! Why could I have ruined the notes with a game of charades instead!? WHY?!

(The pizzeria’s doorbell can be heard. Everyone looks at the door. Cut to said door, which opens to reveal Rosemary.)

Rosemary: Hi, everyone! I just realized I forgot my hairpic.

Maus: Rosemary, wait!

(Rosemary turns around to Maus. Cut to Maus, who is now pushing Nutmeg slowly to her.)

Maus: Your loverboy-I mean Nutmeg has something to say to you.

Nutmeg: Wait, hey, what are you doing!

(Rosemary and Nutmeg are now face-to-face. Cut to behind Nutmeg. Maus sneaks over and ties a walkie talkie to his tail, before running off. Cut back to Nutmeg and Rosemary.)

Rosemary: Well, what were you gonna say?

(Nutmeg freezes up, until suddenly, Parsley’s voice begins coming from the walkie talkie.)

Parsley (through walkie talkie): Nutmeg! This is your conscience speaking! This is your chance to win over the girl you love! Do NOT mess this up!

(Nutmeg doesn’t recognize that it’s Parsley and looks to the camera in confusion.)

Nutmeg (to himself): Hey, where’s that voice coming from?

Parsley (through walkie talkie): YOUR CONSCIENCE! Listen to me! This is your decision! Your life! Do you wanna regret not taking the chance or are you gonna finally make things official?

Nutmeg (quietly, to himself): Ok, magic Conscience…

Parsley (through walkie talkie): Come on! Look at Rosemary and say what comes from the heart!

(Nutmeg turns to Rosemary and begins sweating.)

Nutmeg: Well, Rose, um, what I-I’m trying to say is…

(Nutmeg begins panicking. He reaches to the table and grabs an onion ring. He slowly puts it onto Rosemary's finger.)

Nutmeg: I w-want you t-to, I uh, you see, uh, I WANT YOU TO BE MY WAFFLE WEDDED WIFE!

(Everyone waits in silence.)

Rosemary: What?

Parsley (through walkie talkie): He means “lawfully.”

Rosemary: Oh. Well, in that case… YES! Of course I’ll marry you!

(Confetti begins flying everywhere. Maus, Brighty and Parsley run past them, now with party hats on and party horn blowers in their mouths.)

Nutmeg: Wait, you do?!

Rosemary: Yeah! I didn’t think you’d pop the question. In fact, the only reason I kept stuffing my face with pizza was so I could avoid looking nervous! It’s a fight or flight response.

Nutmeg: Huh, guess we’re both newlywed nutcases.

(They both hug.)

Maus: Party at my place!

(Fade to Maus’ house, where Nutmeg, Parsley, Brighty, Rosemary, and a whole bunch of cameos and background characters, are partying. From eating nachos to dancing on the dance floor, the place is full of people breaking things and going wild. Maus is serving fruit punch to a drunk orange cat.)

Drunk cat: GUUUUUUUD PATYYYYYYY YAAAAAA GOT GOOIIIIN HEEEEEEEerE ahhahHHASHAHAHAH \*Burp\*

Maus: Hey, I think you’ve had enough.

Drunk cat (in a deep voice): I’ll TELL you when I’ve had enough.

(The drunk cat slips his drink.)

Drunk cat: Okay, that’s enough.

(Brighty, who is in a bouncer outfit, walks over to the cat.)

Brighty: Do we have a problem here?

Maus: Brighty, quit the act, the party’s almost over.

(Brighty takes off his sunglasses.)

Brighty: Aww…

(A cartoony laugh can be heard offscreen. The camera pans to reveal a SpongeBob clock, which has just hit 1 o’clock. Cut back to Maus.)

Maus: Okay, let’s end this.

(Maus walks over and turns on the lights, causing all of the partying cats and dogs to disappear. Screams can be heard offscreen as everyone crashes into trash cans and other junk. Parsley begins walking out, holding a drink in his hand and a lampshade on his head.)

Parsley: Great party, Maus!

Maus: You’re welcome! Get outta here.

(Parsley squeezes through Maus’ small door. Rosemary follows him, now with a mangled hairdo and a mysterious red powder on her nose.)

Rosemary: That’s the last time I’ll be smelling the flowers. Bye, Maus.

Maus: Bye, Rosemary.

(Rosemary squeezes through Maus’ small door. Brighty follows her, holding a cooler full of drinks.)

Brighty: I’m just gonna take this.

Maus: See ya, Brighty.

(Brighty squeezes through Maus’ small door with the cooler. Nutmeg is about to follow them, but is stopped by Maus.)

Maus: Woah! Where do you think you’re going?

Nutmeg (sleepy): Home?

Maus: No, no, no! You’re staying here. The world’s a dangerous place and we don’t want a piece of roadkill standing at the altar!

Nutmeg (sleepy): \*yawn\* Fine. Where’s your bed anyway? I’m sleepy.

Maus: It’s right in here.

(Cut to Maus’ bedroom, which has rock and roll posters on the walls, a TV sitting on a cabinet, a closet, and a bed, with windows of course. Maus guides Nutmeg to the bed and places him in. He covers him with the bed sheets and pats him on the head. He wanders to the bedroom door.)

Maus: Good night, lazy bones! And just remember, tomorrow, you’ll be a married man!

Nutmeg (falling asleep): \*yawn\* Married…

(Maus sits on the floor playing his Yellow Gameboy Color.)

(Nutmeg falls asleep. A dream sequence begins, as a classic dreamy transition happens. A gray screen appears, with the letters “ANBCBS” written in white. An oldtimey 1930s announcer begins speaking.)

Announcer: And now on ANBCBS, a hilarious start to our nighttime programming, it’s The Nearlydeads!

(A 1930s opening theme begins plays as the camera then zooms into the window of an old 1930’s house, which shows Rosemary wearing a housedress and Nutmeg wearing overalls made of denim and a checkered long sleeve shirt, wanders into the kitchen.)

30’s Nutmeg: Hi, honey.

(He grabs a newspaper and opens it, placing down a suitcase full of work stuff.)

30’s Rosemary: Hey, sweetcheeks. How was work?

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): Welp, hell as usual.

(A laugh track plays in the background.)

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): Jerry’s had another seizure and I got called out for “SLACKING OFF.” I mean, what do I look like? A doctor?!

(Another godforsaken laugh track plays in the background.)

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): I’m telling ya, you should have seen him, he was flopping around like a fish out of water.

(Another godforsaken laugh track plays in the background. Nutmeg turns to the camera, annoyed.)

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): CAN YOU PEOPLE CLAM UP!?

30’s Rosemary: Jeez, lay off of em’.

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): I can, but if I didn’t, our ratings would drop dead. Speaking of which, I’m starved.

(30’s Nutmeg walks past Rosemary, who is offering him a tray of cookies. He looks through the fridge, only to see it’s empty.)

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): What th-!? Where’s the grub?

30’s Rosemary: Well, I don’t know, after all, YOU were supposed to go out and buy some! I gave you the money for it!

(30’s Nutmeg slowly tries to hide his suitcase, which is now brightly shining behind him. 30’s Rosemary realizes what’s happening.)

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): Hey! D-don’t open that!

(She opens the suitcase in shock. She flips upside down to find a receipt for a brown suitcase for $25.00, the exact amount she gave him to get food. As she  begins to get angry, smoke begins coming from behind her.)

30’s Rosemary: You spent my money on a suitcase!?

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): It was the nicest thing on sale!

30’s Rosemary: That food would have lasted the whole weekend,  especially since my mother-in-law's coming over!

(30’s Nutmeg collapses in a cartoony manner. A laugh track plays.)

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent, sarcastically): Oh, great!  My life is complete. What more could I need?

(A doorbell can be heard in the background. Cut to the door, which opens to reveal 30’s Brighty, in a a shirt collar and tie. The audience applauses as a comedic theme plays in the background.)

30’s Brighty (in a Yogi Bear-ish voice): Hey friends! What’s cooking, good lookin’?

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): I just had to say something.

30’s Brighty (in a Yogi Bear-ish voice): Hey, that smells like burnt cookies! Mind if I grab a munch of some lunch?

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): Knock yourself out.

30’s Rosemary: Oh my gosh! The cookies! I completely forgot!

(She rushes to take them out of the oven. She pops them, only for them to be nothing but big black smudges on the tray.)

Cookie: Brothers…… it’s over for us.

30’s Rosemary: Grr… now, what are we going to do?! We barely have enough money for food  and I've burnt the last batch of cookies!

30’s Brighty (in a Yogi Bear-ish voice): Hey, hey hey! Take a breather!  I'm pretty sure I got enough to help you folks! If you need help, just call…

(An annoying nagging voice begins speaking, presumably Brighty’s wife.)

30’s woman: BRIGHTY L. EDISON! GET OVER HERE THIS INSTANT!

`

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): You’d better run for ya life, Brights! That woman will knock your lights out!

30’s Brighty (in a Yogi Bear-ish voice): Yikes! See you later, good neighbors!

(30’s Brighty rushes away, leaving 30’s Nutmeg to deal with 30’s Rosemary.)

30’s Rosemary: Now, for more serious matters… WHY DID YOU SPEND MY HARD-EARNED $25 BUCKS ON A @#$&!%$ SUITCASE!

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): I, w-well, you see…

30’s Rosemary: So, speak up! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): One of these days, Rose! One of these days!

(A small dark pink cat rides by on a tricycle, presumably 30’s Nutmeg and 30’s Rosemary's kid.)

Kane: Hi, mommy! Hi, daddy! Ahyuck!

30’s Rosemary: That’s it! You’re outta here!

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): Where am I going, huh?

30’s Rosemary: MAYBE GO LIVE AT THAT BUM MAUS’S HOUSE!!!

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent): BANG, ZOOM, RIGHT TO THE MOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!

(Cut to the outside of their house. 30’s Brighty is sitting on a bench, when 30’s Nutmeg crashes into the roof and into the air.)

30’s Brighty (in a Yogi Bear-ish voice): My God! She's finally done it!

(30’s Maus walks by, noticing what happened.)

30’s Maus: Holy moly! His wife's been working on her uppercut!

(Cut to outer space, where 30’s Nutmeg flies to the moon.)

30’s Nutmeg (in a New-Yorker like accent, sarcastically):  If I die and some space program calls me an unidentified object, I'll come back to life and kill him.

(The audience applauses as the dream ends. We  transition  back to Nutmeg, who has been moving under the bed sheets, causing a mess.  Maus comes in,  holding a tuxedo and top hat.)

Nutmeg: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I DONT WANNA GO TO THE MOON!!! I'M SORRY I WAS A CRAPPY HUSBAND! I WON’T DO IT ANYMORE!!!!

Nutmeg: Huh, what?

Maus: Nutmeg, wake up! It’s time for you to get hitched!

Nutmeg: Wait-wh? Oh my gosh, you're right!

Maus: Come on, put this stuff on! Time's a wastin!

(Fade to a church, with Rosemary standing in a beautiful white gown. Brighty stands nearby, holding a bible. The church is filled with cats and dogs, including Parsley, who is sobbing.)

Parsley:  I always cry during weddings!

(The church doors open,  revealing Maus as he drags Nutmeg to where  Rosemary is. A black and white cat is playing the organ, playing “Here Comes the Bride.” Once Nutmeg stops near Rosemary, Brighty begins reading.)

Brighty: And now, a word from the Bible. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do will be used against you in the court of-  Oops!  Wrong speech!  Do you Rosemary take Nutmeg to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love him, to honor him, to comfort him-

Rosemary: I do! I do!

Brighty: Oh, you're quicker than me!

(Brighty rips a page from the bible and eats it. He turns to Nutmeg.)

Brighty:  And do you Nutmeg take Rosemary to be your lawfully wedded wife?

(As Brighty says the words “wife”, Nutmeg turns to look at Rosemary,  who has now transformed to look like 30’s Rosemary. He backs up in a panic,  before turning to look at Maus,  who gives him a thumbs up. He then looks around while the words “right to the moon” echoing in his head, as his pupils transform into the moon and he sweats intensely, and then remembers the punch that sent him to the moon and wonders if Rosemary would do that to him. He then looks at Parsley, who is still crying. Red cracks form over his eyes, and his fur gets scruffy. His ears also droop down, Everything is seeming to transform into the 1930’s.)

Nutmeg (nervously): I-I–I-I!

(We then cut to Nutmeg, who is waking up in a fancy bed. Everything seemingly was a dream.)

Nutmeg (relieved): Phew! It was all just a dream!

(He hops out of bed, only to realize that he now has crab legs. He screams  as we zoom into his mouth, which is just pitch black.  We fade into the inside of the church, which is now on fire, including everybody in the church. An organ version of “La Cucaracha” plays in the background is everybody dances while on fire.)
Nutmeg:  Hey, I don't know how to end this cartoon either! Oh well!  Goodnight, folks!
(Nutmeg begins laughing as we iris out on him. The episode ends.)