Xmas

(the episode opens with an outside shot of the SBFW HQ on a snowy day, we cut to the lounge)

Polar: You're a b\*\*\*h!

SpongeBot: You're an ass!

Polar: That doesn't make any sense!

SpongeBot: What do you mean 'that doesn't make any sense'? It makes perfect sense.

Polar: It does not!

SpongeBot: It does too!

Polar: That absolute sh\*t!

SpongeBot: Says the person who created me! It's beyond me why you became admin.

Polar: THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE EITHER! You can even argue with that, seeing as YOU are admin now, too!

Phil: What's all this fighting about? (points to his 'admin' badge)

Polar: He's copying all my ideas!

SpongeBot: IT'S CALLED A 'COINCIDENCE'!

Phil: JUST SHUT UP AND TAKE A COOKIE EACH OR SOMETHING! I dunno! It's Christmas Eve for crying out loud?

Polar: No, it can't be Christmas Eve because that would mean everyone would out partyin- (he realises the HQ is empty except for them three) Shi- (cut to theme song which is played using bells this episode, and then cut to The Krusty Krab's Christmas party)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, are you sure I can't get the day off on Christmas?

Mr. Krabs: Of course you can't! We're opening for Christmas dinner tomorrow!

Squidward: Why does it matter, SpongeBob? You're only gonna come here anyway...

SpongeBob: At least it's better than what you'd be doing, you don't even have a family to spend Christmas with! They disowned you years ago!

Squidward: BUT I ONLY SAID THAT SO YOU WOULD FEEL SORRY FOR ME AND FOLLOW MY EVERY COM- I mean, yeah, yeah, whatever... (Cicicity approaches Travis at the table)

Cicicity: Why you so sad, Tarvy?

Travis: (sigh) The flyer said there would be strippers but they only had these. (he takes a bite of a chicken strip) We should probably leave soon, it's getting late.

Bong: But the party's only just started!

Timmy: For once, I actually agree with Travis, he's f\*\*\*\*\*g right. If we don't go to bed soon, Santa won't come! (they all burst out with laughter except Mason) What? What did I say?

Bong: Hey, Squiddy! Bring that mic over here!

Mr. Krabs: (giving Squidward a dirty look) The customer's always right. (Squidward reluctantly walks over their with the microphone) For the right price, of course.

Squidward: (handing over the microphone) I'm going on my break... (walks away)

Bong: (into the microphone) HEY, EVERYBODY! THESE TWO PEOPLE HERE STILL BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS! (everyone roars with laughter, Bong takes another sip of her drink) I'M GONNA WRITE A LETTER TO OL' SANTY AND ASK FOR A F\*\*\*\*\*G SHOTGUN! (they laugh some more)

*Santa, Santa, Santa*

*Has his jolly little eyes on me!*

*It keeps me warm and filled with glee*

*To know Santa has his eyes on me!*

*I light my house like a Christmas tree*

*Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-lly*

*'Cause Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little*

*Eyes on me!* (everyone laughs some more and Timmy and Mason run out in tears)

Cicicity: Timmy! Mason! (runs after them, Polar, SpongeBot and Phil arrive)

Polar: Looks like the strippers have arrived! (cut to Christmas Day, Bong throws up in the toilet)

Bong: Ugh, what happened last night?

Cicicity: I'll tell you what happened, you nearly scarred these two for life!

Timmy: So, are you really, really, really sure that Santa is really real?

Cicicity: As real as Travis' p\*nis.

Mason: I thought you said that he got plastic surgery to impress the ladies.

Cicicity: No, no. It's very real, and very beautiful.

Bong: What, you've seen it too?

Cicicity: Uh, that's besides the point.

Bong: Then what is the point?

Cicicity: The point is that it's Christmas and Santa's left presents under the tree for these two.

Bong: If by Santa you mean yourself then, yes.

Timmy: (gasp) You're Santa?

Cicicity: No, that's not what she-

Timmy and Mason: (running down the stairs) Hey, everyone! Cici's Santa! (they all burst into laughter)

Cicicity: F\*\*k you.

Bong: You can take that as my Christmas gift. (pause) You wanna talk some more about Travis' d\*\*k?

Cicicity; Sure... (cut to the Writing Room where Cicicity runs in) GUYS! YOU GOTTA HELP ME! TIMMY AND MASON THINK THAT I'M SANTA! (after a pause, they burst into laughter once again)

John: Oh my God, that's the second funniest thing I've heard all day.

Cicicity: Wait, who are you? Does anyone know who that guy is? ANYONE? (pause) Ugh... Anyway, we need to make them think I'm not Santa. I've got an idea. We get Santa to come into the HQ and-

Polar: But how the f\*\*k do we do that when Santa's not real?

John: He obviously means he wants one of us to dress up like him.

Polar: Oh yeah, I knew that.

Cicicity: So we get Santa to come into the HQ, give Timmy and Mason some candy and-

Pluto: dO i GeT sOmE cAnDy?

Cicicity: (stares blankly) There's some downstairs in the kitchen cupboard. Don't go too crazy or (serious voice) Arch Wizard Megumin (normal voice) will f\*\*\*\*\*g kill me.

Pluto: Oh SwEeTiii (runs off downstairs with Primitive)

Cicicity: So, he gives them the candy and then goes back to Australia.

John: But Santa lives in the North... whatever. Great plan, by the way, but there's just one minor detail. WHO ON EARTH'S GONNA DRESS UP LIKE SANTA?

Polar: I will.

John: (laughs awkwardly before stopping) Sorry. It's just that that would never work.

Polar: Why?

John: Santa's not British?

Polar: Then what sort of accent does he speak in?

John: Well, he was born in Greece so...

Polar: Got it! (to Cicicity) I will not let you down! Wait, John, you said Cicicity being Santa was the second funniest thing you've heard all day. What was the first?

John: This. (he shows hima  YouTube video starring SpongeBot and Bong)

*PolarKey, comparable to booty cheeks*

*Cos there's so much s\*\*t that he spews out on this fan wiki*

*SpongeBob 'n' Stuff, shut your muff,*

*It ain't good enough*

*You takin' requests from newbies to be on your show*

*But then they have to remind you they ain't been in one episode*

*And then you give them a cameo*

*I'm about to SBFW Go! off on this diss*

*Administrator, professional masturbator, yeah, he actin' like Travis in this b\*\*\*h*

*SpongeBot asked me to do this so know there ain't no bad blood*

*SYKE! These roasts will surround you like a flood*

*And you'll burn, but no one will hear you scream*

*You forced dead meme*

*You suck, you unfunny f\*\*k, you're out of luck*

*Cos you're getting destroyed*

*Vanessa and Bot exposing you, gonna kick you down to the soil*

*Mrs Chanandler Bong, makin' waves like The Big One*

*Hopefully you'll get demoted back to content mod, you sod*

*Damn, if you have a girlfriend, I'd leave her*

*Cos me and Bot 'bout to motherf\*\*\*\*\*g ether.*

Polar: That is literally the dumbest thing I have ever seen. And it only has one view. How sad. Y'know what, I can do better than that. (he rushes off)

John: Sweet! I've got the whole room to myself. (sigh) I'm so lonely... I'll see if I can bribe Pluto for any of that candy. (cut to later in the day, Polar rides down the street in a lamborghini, dressed as a Russian Santa Claus)

*For the ones who got more than one mouth to feed*

*Gas so high got em' riding on E*

*Daddy needs shoes and kids gotta eat*

*They can have every last penny on me*

*Me and Swizzy rollin' in the Lambo*

*Sit back reminiscin' when I never had no dollas*

*Pride is well, poor dear mama*

*Stuck to the fight like a drained out boxer*(Polar hops out the car)

Cicicity: You don't look anything LIKE Santa Claus!

Polar: Они не узнают, блядь, разницы.

Cicicity: What the... (Polar rings the doorbell)

*Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...*(John answers the door)

John: I said Greek!

Pluto: tHaT lOoKs GrEeK 2 Me

Polar: Планета права. А теперь Позволь мне говорить. (he shuts the door and enters the lounge)

Cicicity: Timmy, Mason! Look who's here!

Mason: Who's that supposed to be?

Cicicity: It's Santa Claus, of course!

Timmy: I thought YOU were Santa Claus!

Cicicity: No, er, you must've been hallucinating.

Polar: Да, это случается, когда смотришь на Дика Тревиса. Хо Хо Хо! С Рождеством Христовым, чтобы один и все! (everyone stares blankly, Polar takes candy out of his pocket and throws it on the floor) Just take the candy.

Timmy and Mason: Yay! Candy!

Polar: Yay! Candy! That's right, keep thinking happy thoughts while ol' Santa has a word with SpongeBong. (he clicks his fingers and SpongeBot and Bong stop making out) I saw that sad video you posted on YouTube about me and I now have another bone to pick with you.

SpongeBot: Better not be a boner. (the two laugh)

Polar: Смеяться, пока вы все еще можете.

*Yeah*

*You know who it is*

*Your boi Polar Face!*

*Well,*

*SpongeBot,*

*you suck*

*you suck*

*you suck*

*oh f\*\*k*

*you suck*

*you suck*

*you suck*

*oh f\*\*k*

*word*

*Wait a minute, you thought that was the end?*

*Hahahahahaha?*

*You're going down for real?*

*So your name's SpongeBot?*

*More like SPONGEBOOB!*

*SpongeBALL even!*

*Instead of getting burned, all you get is BURST!*

*Everytime you get roasted, you just need a little help,*

*You're not an All Star,*

*You're just a stupid all 'tard!*

*You say my stuff's not 5 star!*

*But your stuff just a stupid DUNCE!*

*If my stuff is shit,*

*Then your stuff is vomit after eating it,*

*Oh yeah,*

*Stealing my ideas,*

*My shows get fans,*

*Your shows get PANNED!*

*I may force dead memes, but only 'cos they make money*

*The only one's that don't are you and you're stupid honey!*

*You're not an All Star,*

*You're just a stupid try-hard!*

*If my stuff is shit,*

*You're stuff's an ugly tit!*

*You say you're the best admin,*

*But compared to Travis*

*Well, let's just say you're a poor unfortunate soul who goes 'round bullying those better then him for fun 'cos he's got nothing better to do.*

*At least I get respect, I have the whole Tempire behind me.*

*My shows get fans,*

*Your shows get PANNED!*

*I'm talking about Life in Not Bikini Bottom!*

*Y'know, the show's a rip-off, the pilot's a rip-off.*

*F\*\*k you!*

*Yeah,*

*Wut?*

*Skrr pop pop!*

*Oh yeah!*

*Word.*

Bong: How dare you say such things to my boyfriend!

Phil: You should be ashamed of yourself!

Arch Wizard Megumin: Primitive, go fetch my 'book of warnings'. (Primitive reluctantly goes off) Polar, you're banned from watching Travis' slideshow tonight!

Polar: Oh, c'mon! How comes everyone else gets to see his d\*\*k? (we cut to SpongeBot on the roof of the HQ, singing)

SpongeBot: *It was Christmas Evening*

*In the drunk tank*

*An old man said to me, won't see another one*

*And then he sang a song*

*The Rare Old Mountain Dew*

*I turned my face away*

*And dreamed about you*

*Got on a lucky one*

*Came in eighteen to one*

*I've got a feeling*

*This year's for me and you*

*So happy Christmas*

*I'm going crazy*

*I can see a better time*

*When all our dreams come true*

Polar: (goes up the stairs to the roof) SpongeBot? Oh, there you are, you little b\*\*\*\*\*\*d.]

SpongeBot: What do you want?

Polar: I just wanted to say... I'm... sorry for the past week and whatever.

SpongeBot: In that case then... I suppose... I'm sorry to. You little Temmie!

Polar: You little robot!

SpongeBot: F\*\*k you!

Polar: F\*\*k you!

*They've got cars big as bars*

*They've got rivers of gold*

*But the wind goes right through you*

*It's no place for the old*

*When I first made you*

*On a cold Christmas Eve*

*You promised me*

*Broadway was waiting for me*

SpongeBot: *You were handy*

*You were cool*

*King of New York City*

*When the band finished playing*

*They howled out for more*

*Sinatra was swinging,*

*All the drunks they were singing*

*We laughed on a corner*

*Then danced through the night*

SpongeBot and Polar: *The boys of the NYPD choir*

*Were singing "Galway Bay"*

*And the bells were ringing out*

*For Christmas day*

SpongeBot: *You're a bum*

*You're a punk*

*You're an old slut on junk*

*Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed*

Polar: *You s\*\*mbag, you maggot*

*You cheap lousy f\*\*\*\*t*

*Happy Christmas your arse*

*I pray God it's our last*

SpongeBot and Polar: *The boys of the NYPD choir*

*Still singing "Galway Bay"*

*And the bells were ringing out*

*For Christmas day*

SpongeBot: *I could have been someone*

Polar: *Well, so could anyone*

*You took my dreams from me*

*When I first made you*

SpongeBot: *I kept them with me, tem*

*I put them with my own*

*Can't make it all alone*

*My dreams were invented by you*

It's a scientific fact, even ask John or someone.

SpongeBot and Polar: *The boys of the NYPD choir*

*Still singing "Galway Bay"*

*And the bells are ringing out*

*For Christmas day!*

Pluto: HeY, CaN i SiNg A vErSe???

SpongeBot: F\*\*k you! (end, SpongeBot and Bong kiss throughout the credits)