Swifty, We Hardly Knew Ye

The episode begins with Swifty the class hamster running on his wheel as Mickey plays with a squeaky carrot. Vance gives him water and Greta and Rus pour him some garlic croutons before leaving for the weekend. When they return on Monday, however, they are concerned to find Swifty motionless and unresponsive in his cage and his food uneaten. Miss Ropey, sounding uncharacteristically nervous, attempts to deflect their attention by saying that Swifty is likely hibernating or meditating but the shocking truth comes about when Greta picks him up and feels no pulse: Swifty, as Mickey melodramatically wails, is dead!

At recess, nobody's heart is in the game of kickball aside from Rigalli due to being broken up at Swifty's death and the fact that they weren't able to say a proper goodbye. This gives CJ the idea to hold a funeral for the beloved pet and they (aside from a reluctant and indifferent Rigalli) go around enlisting the help of their fellow fourth-graders; The Diggers initially refuse due to being booked up, but agree when told it is for Swifty whom they regard as a great digger. Next are the Aubrees, who quickly get excited over the multitude of fashion opportunities the funeral gives them. The Megans also get excited over the multitude of fashion opportunities the funeral gives them too. Scammer Kid offers them a prime burial plot that turns out to be in sixth-grader territory. Queen Barb and her guards see what CJ, her gang and the Diggers are doing. Scammer Kid rushes off. CJ explains that she, her gang and the Diggers explain that they are digging the hole, much to Queen Barb's anger. Queen Barb orders her guards to take them to the dodgeball, but CJ manages to mollify Queen Barb with an explanation; Queen Barb, remembering Swifty fondly, not only permits them to continue but offers to give the eulogy, much to an increasingly irritated Rigalli's disbelief.

The funeral begins well, and surprisingly well-attended as a confused Greta notes. Much to Queen Barb's irritation, however, her heartfelt eulogy keeps getting interrupted as many past alumni of 98th Street School come to Swifty's funeral, including the local high school football team, the bus drivers and even the mayor. However the biggest shock comes when an emotional Rigalli dives into the grave and the shoebox coffin is knocked open in the struggle to get her out, causing Swifty's corpse to fall out. The older attendees note that Swifty's appearance doesn't match the one they knew (to Queen Barb, Swifty had a stripe down his back; to Nick Donizetti and the high school football team, he had little white paws like running shoes; to Mayor Frisbee, he (or she) was brown from head to toe; the Swifty being buried had a little spot under his chin). Greta examines Mayor Frisbee's school picture even further and discovers that the Swifty in the picture and the Swifty she knew are not the same hamster, shocking everyone. Miss Ropey eventually confesses that there have been numerous hamsters called Swifty from the day 98th Street Elementary was built, and every time one had died, it would secretly be replaced before the children could notice as the teachers didn't think they'd be capable of understanding the concept of death. This revelation angers the older attendees who realise the Swifty they knew is long gone and they prepare to storm out, but CJ halts them and wins them over by reminding them that they still have their memories of Swifty and can honour them here and now. Swifty is officially buried with honours, his grave declared the "Tomb of the Unknown Swifty" by Queen Barb. CJ remarks "Swifty, we hardly knew ye" and the episode closes with a montage of past Swiftys; one who hides with a boy under a desk during a nuclear drill, a second who acts as a mascot at an anti-war protest, a third playing with Queen Barb and finally, the most recent Swifty as he lies down for what will be his final nap.......