The House That Spud Built (Bob The Builder Lost Episode)

Hi, now let me tell you something I am a nosy neighbour. Matter of fact, both my best friend Mable and I are incredibly nosy. We spend our evenings spying on our neighbours as they tuck into their teas instead of doing what you might expect old ladies like us to be doing ya know knitting sweaters for our grandkids or watching something real boring on the telly like how to buy a canoe with all the right edges. Why do we spy on our neighbours? Well you see a long ass time ago; I was babysat by my neighbour and close family friend Michael Paine who was a nosy neighbour, but not a lot of people knew about that as he was known to keep it hush hush. He would remind each and every time I stayed there. Each and every evening, Pain and I would partake in a bowl of fishfingers but Pain pretended to hate the fishy fishness of the fishfingers, but I could see through his deception and tried to pull a very smelly face which looked like a duck getting its ass kicked in by a trumpet playing bishop this got Pain to shut up and eat the fishfingers. "It cannot be!" Pain would cry as he bit into the delicious fish. Pain would warn me as we ate that people are getting lazy and that food is changing in a big way, and he encouraged me to always be judgemental of what people pull out from their cookers. Years later, Pain is now living in a retirement home in Serbia with a room for a view, and I took his advice very much into me old head as Mable and I judge the people we spy on. We spy on our neighbours with a big pair of binoculars, and sometimes we get caught in the act by our neighbours who are wise to our plot, but we are able to buy their silence by offering to knit them up sweaters and also a handy dandy Thneed which is a fine thing that all people need, and it's just 3.98. However, Mable and I had far bigger problems at hand than just our general noisiness as we were also in massive debt which came as a result of us being very wasteful with our retirement funds, instead of spending the funds to pay the bills, we were busy using them to buy things like an 1980's computer and for mine and Mable's 60th anniversary of being best friends I ordered some roses online which costed like a hundred a rose peddle, and the salesman Fabio showed up at my door. He had mighty longhair and a mighty accent as he held the roses in a box that been dipped in the finest of kerosene as he said, "here is your roses." We then brought Fabio into our house, and introduced him to the art of the computer, and he nearly bloody destroyed the damn thing as he slammed his fingers on it which disgusted me because as an old lady I get very easily triggered by things.

Fabio had a mighty accent and he became my part-time lover much to the anger of Mable who was a series knitting addict, and she knitted all the time which put a further strain on our friendship. Enough about that though, as this story has nothing to do with any of this me dear. I just thought you wanted to know some details or deets as my granddaughter Bethany would say; about being an old geezer in a small town like Greendale. Let us begin with the actual tale. It was my little grandson Joe's birthday, and for his birthday I really wanted to get him something related to Bob The Builder as he happens to be a massive Bob The Builder fan. I almost debated not getting him anything at all as my fat bastard of a son Eddie who gave me a robot that would do my chores and hang out with me because he didn't want to take time out of his laying brick job to come and see me. Eventually, I decided to say, "screw it," and decided that instead of Joe I would give the Bob The Builder related present to my dog Serpico who could talk because all dogs talk in Greendale actually no they don't I think Serpico was once a man as he has gangster connections, and also sneers at me all the time as he asks if I doped and he always gets proper angry when he asks me that. Also, the robot died because I let the bloody thing run out its batteries, and I didn't see the need to give it new ones as I didn't like the way it pined so hard for the circus. Circuses are in my opinion a dying breed, and I wanted to teach that wired whipper snapper a lesson or two. I looked all around Greendale for a DVD, but no shops sold anything much to my chagrin. The day before the birthday, Mable and I were busy spying on our neighbours as they had a helping of Aunt Bessy's premium Yorkshire Puddings. Well; actually only I was spying as Mable was currently on the hunt for a pheasant. I called her up, and when she heard that they were having Yorkshire Puddings she immediately yelled, "yippee!" She then began speeding down the roads on her scooter, and I have very good binoculars which is how I was able to see her. Suddenly, a knock occurred at the front door of me cottage, and I assumed at first that it was probably the family across the street sending a policeman to have a go at me for nicking their newspaper as I quite a menace in the neighbourhood for nicking the paper. I was wrong. Opening the door, there was a sweet little girl who worked as a cookie scout, but I was confused because I thought cookie scouts were as American as Hank Hill and sweet wumpa. The girl had a satchel on her back, but it looked to be carrying something of a great weight.

Confused, I asked if the girl wanted a cuppa, but she said, "no but thanks; I got something for you." The girl then proceeded to open up the bag, and revealed a large crystal original Xbox and a DVD for Bob The Builder. I got very snide as I then asked in a cold tone, "where did you get this?" The girl ignored my tone, and explained that she worked for the Cookie Wizard, well actually she was his daughter. The Cookie Wizard really loved practical jokes as he often pranked friends by putting rats into their cookies which made them very sick. Very sick indeed. The girl then went on to tell me that according to her father; the DVD contained a super special spicy episode of Bob The Builder that would make that prick Eddie wish he had never been so mean to me, and he really was as one time at Christmas he hogged up all of the gravy and poured the entire gravy mix onto his turkey while talking about how gravy makes his feet feel good inc. Anyways, I took the Xbox into my hands along with the DVD as the girl then walked down the street caring not a button for the streetlights that were sprouting weeds. Not the smoking kind either. Mable then arrived on her mobility scooter, and she took off her motorbike helmet as she entered the house when I then showed her the DVD. Mable threw the DVD down onto the ground, and stomped on it with her high heel as she said, "I don't want to watch cartoons!" "Don't be so miserable Mable." I said before continuing with, "besides this is kind of important to me." I then yelled at Mable because she dared to roll her eyes at me, and she was scared so she went into the sitting room and sat down on the beanbag and she sunk into it. She sank so far you wouldn't be able to tell she was there. I have a fear of chairs, do not make jokes please. I picked the DVD up from the floor, while Mable set the Xbox up as we're both old as shit and we don't own a DVD player only a VCR and a gramophone. Mable wasn't having much luck with setting the Xbox up, as she picked the controller up and looked at it with genuine confusion as she said, "I do not know you." I looked the DVD over, and the cover was normal looking to me at least. It showed Spud standing outside of a house, and he looked pleased as punch meanwhile Bob was leaning on the fence with a sceptical look on his face. The back of the DVD showed a picture of Rollie and nothing else only Rollie looked very angry. He looked like he was about to swear, and he better blooming not or he was going to be putting a shilling into the swear jar. Mable finally managed to set the Xbox up, and I slammed the disc into the console. "How do you make it go?" I asked, but my answer was answered as the TV then showed a brief advertisement for a new film that was coming out.

In the advert, a man walked down a long empty hallway and then he turned around and said, "I should have checked if I had car insurance." Suddenly, Churchill The Dog appeared and said, "oh yes." Churchill was then shown going on an epic quest where he wound a giant tarantula, an eagle, and even dressed as an old biddy at one point which excited Mable and he also dressed as a punk rocker. This was all for the upcoming Churchill The Dog Movie. We were both SUPER hyped, but little did we know the movie would go through massive executive meddling, and it would just be a movie about a couple moving into a house and Churchill was a live action man eating a pot noodle. The filmmakers believed audiences would never root for a talking dog. Suddenly, to my joy, the theme song of Bob The Builder began, but it was different. First of all, the theme got incredibly dark as while driving down the lane atop Scoop, Bob ended up accidentally or intentionally depending on the way you slice it running over a fat businessman. The theme then showcased Bob disposing of the evidence by having Lofty pour cement on top of the man, and in ten days time the cement would be used to build a brand new freeway. How do I know this? Well; the theme briefly cut to a really boring meeting where the Mayor of Bob Builder Land Mayor Brown began making a big discussion about how the bond issue won't be until December. I was getting angry as old ladies are known to be extremely short tempered. I was tempted to slam eject on the Xbox as I can't stand politicians. Who can really? Anyways, the theme finally came back to show Spud and he was dancing in the middle of a hay field next to Travis who was smiling, but secretly he was very angry because he learned from a friend of a friend that Spud was earning more money than him. So? When Bob approaches the screen and waves to the viewer, he instead falcon punched the camera. The last bit of the theme showed Bob building a house made out of wood, but he ended up making a big mistake and the whole house collapsed into a big pile of rubble, and Bob just stood there looking confident as if this malfunction had nothing to do with him.

The episode's title then appeared on screen and it read, "The House That Spud Built," only it was written by someone called Wilfred Mott. The episode then started with an outside view of Spud's field, and Spud then appeared but he did not look happy he looked downright mad. Far too mad for a scarecrow I must say. Spud was moping around, and he kept walking in circles. Now; I happen to be a big fan of Bob The Builder having watched it with my grandson many a time, and what caught me off guard immediately was the fact that the field that Spud was standing in looked nasty the fields were black, the flowerbeds housed piranha plants that were alive, and they had incredibly sharp teeth. A farmer not Farmer Pickles btw came up to see Spud, and asked for directions to the farmer's market. Spud gave the farmer instructions, but the farmer was incredibly hateful of scarecrows so he opted to ignore Spud and instead ask a policeman who was probably a secret trumpet player who lived in a dump, but whatever. The farmer began to make his leave only to end up getting eaten by one of the piranha plants, and Spud did nothing to help. Instead, Spud then began speaking with, "I can't believe that Bob is so famous, I mean all he does is build houses, anyone could do that!" "What's the matter Spud?" Travis asked as he appeared on the scene. Spud then proceeded to explain to Travis about how he felt like Bob was mistreating him on purpose ever since Spud... accidentally killed Wendy's cat Pilchard. You see; one day, Spud was having fun in the oil fields, and upon getting out from said fields he basically led poor Mack astray, and discussed how they could help Bob out by starting work on the new dam that Bob had been entrusted with building by the Mayor. Bob knew that it was a dangerous job, and asked some local beavers if they'd help but the beavers were very rude and they were also proper lazy as all they did was sit on top of a tree log eating bark. The beavers were also known chainsaw assassins, but Bob didn't let it bother him none. Mack and Spud headed over to the dam, but during the ride down the lane Spud kept telling Mack to go faster, and Mack eventually ran over Pilchard, and Spud picked the cat up as he said, "oh dear." Spud tried to pin the blame on Muck, but Bob was not dumb and he saw through Spud's charade instantly. Bob got his own back, by implanting a rule on Spud that he could no longer leave the field unless he was accompanied by a trust worthy character. Spud was also forced to actually work as a scarecrow, as usually he bunked off from work to hang out with Travis. Now? Day in and day out, Spud was constantly pelted with rocks by the local school children. Bob's attitude towards Spud kind of makes sense to me, as Bob was always quite patronising to ole Spud. I mean in one episode Spud lost his nose, and started crying about how no one could take him seriously without one, and Bob tried to act caring but I could tell he was trying to hold back a laugh.

Spud then finished his story, Suddenly like some kind of Rayman, Travis then said, "I think I have an idea." "Do tell." Spud said as Travis then said, "why don't you fight fire with fire." Travis then explained that the ultimate revenge from Spud would be to run Bob out from the business. Spud pondered how he and Travis could pull that off, but Travis was smart and already had that covered. He suggested that he and Spud form their own construction company, and they would call it Biscuit Base. In order to ensure that Bob didn't sue them, Travis had already implanted a scapegoat by having his and Spud's money placed into the account of British chef Greg Wallace. Poor ole Greg Wallace wanted something brown and sticky, and what did he get? Lost in a broccoli patch, and the broccoli rubbed against Greg Wallace's face and poor ole Greg was allergic to broccoli. Oh dear. "How are we going to run Bob out of the business? I mean I know nothing about building." Spud admitted. However, after a moment of pondering, Spud and Travis proceeded to look at each other as they remembered that Bob was currently working on a house up in the sticks, and the pair realised that if they could build the house before Bob did they would be golden with the mayor, and would be hired as the crew for the brand new freeway that the mayor was planning on building with his PA and possible lover Geoff. That evening, while Bob slept soundly in his bed, Spud proceeded to sneak through the town into the woodlands. In order to buy more time for their plan to succeed, Spud had a large brick wall placed inside of Bob's house that would prevent him from getting out and he would have to call for help from an incredibly cynical man who just laughs at Bob's misery, because well who wouldn't really? Spud and Travis reached the house which was only just in the beginning stages of it's construction, and the pair set out to work. However without Scoop, Muck, and Dizzy or the rest of Bob's crew; Spud and Travis made a real mess and caused the entire foundation of the house to collapse in on it's self with the only part remaining being the fireplace. Spud rubbed the back of his head as he said, "well now what do we do?" He sounded proper dumb when he said that, but Travis didn't mind none as it realised that perhaps he and Spud could use this destruction to their advantage. Travis had heard from Rollie that in the morning; the house that Bob was working on was to receive a visit from the Mayor, and if he saw that the house looked like... well for a lack of a better word complete shit, he would realise that Bob was not the brilliant builder he thought he was. This would cause Bob to challenge his inner Zoidberg as he then proceeded to roll around the floor making a horrifying noise.

The plan was good, but Spud decided that he was going to call it quits and go tell Bob the plan. "What why?" Travis asked as he followed after Spud who for a scarecrow could certainly walk quite fast. "This isn't what I wanted Travis." Spud sang, as he then said how all he really wanted was his very own home somewhere far away from Bob and maybe on a hill someplace. The kind of hill where if the Sun hits it just right it sings. Travis then realised that there was actually a hill overlooking the woodland area, and gestured his wheels towards it. Upon seeing the hill, Spud grinned from ear to ear as he proclaimed, "oh yes!" What are you Churchill now Spud? The following day, just like Travis had predicted, Bob's house received an inspection from Mayor Brown. Bob had escaped his bricked up house by climbing through the window, as Spud had foolishly been led to believe by a visiting clown that Bob was allergic to windows. However, the clown wasn't lying and he was actually referring to windows as in Microsoft, but Spud doesn't know what a computer is which is why he made such a big mistake. A huge mistake if you will. Mayor Brown then had a big ole go at Bob, but his rant wasn't played for laughs instead he just yelled at Bob like an angry drill sergeant. While walking down the road to his car, Mayor Brown appeared by Scoop and the scooping part of his body was incredibly sharp and looked like teeth, and this made Mayor Brown joke, "oh this reminds me I need to see my dentist!" Mayor Brown then turned to face Bob and said, "you fix this house by tomorrow morning or you're toast!" After the mayor made his departure, Bob said, "I don't understand what went wrong, I'm always so careful." That's when Bob realised that there was a piece clothing on the ground, and he went to pick it up. He was shocked when he saw that the clothing was a small piece of Spud's outfit that had been ripped off after the house collapsed in on itself. "What's the matter Bob?" Dizzy asked, but Bob did not answer her the rude carrot onion. No instead, Bob headed on over to a wall telephone, and picked the phone up and dialled a number. Once the phone was connected, Bob said, "get me Jenkins." Bob knew that Spud was trying to sabotage him, but he needed more proof before he went to the Mayor. Jenkins was a Private Investigator and an old friend of Bob with Bob having been the one to build Jenkins' house. Jenkins was a highly skilled PI, and he accepted the case immediately as just like Bob he too had a vendetta to settle with Spud. For it was Spud who ruined his marriage proposal, as while dining at a restaurant with his bride to be Spud appeared to give Jenkins a tin of Roses for good luck which caused Jenkins to freak out as Spud literally burst out from the ground like a mole. Jenkins' loud outburst caused the nearby waiter to pour wine all over Jenkins' wife to be, and she got very angry and quite miserable too as she threw Jenkins' ring right at him which wasn't even a real engagement ring it was a Haribo's Ring because Jenkins is so skint he couldn't afford a real ring. How pathetic.

Jenkins began tailing Spud and Travis in his Berkley Kingfisher, but he was unaware that Spud and Travis were one step ahead of him, and they were getting help from Farmer Pickles. Well; according to a brief screen which came on the real Farmer Pickles couldn't make it to the episode as he got stuck in a traffic jam. With Farmer Pickles out of the count, his best friend Woody Harrelson stepped in to replace him. Woody Harrelson, Spud, and Travis had themselves a sit down at the water cooler which was located in the middle of the field. "Here's the real truth." Harrelson began as he then laid back on the water cooler which nearly me burst out my water. Hey! Anyways, Harrelson proceeded to explain that Spud and Travis needed some of Bob's workforce to make their house a reality, and they also needed to value the property and to do so Harrelson had hired a realty agent named Richard Beck. I knew all about Beck, he was the one who sold me my house in Greendale. Upon selling me the house, Beck looked very tired as he look at his watch and remarked that he had a lot on his plate as the housing market was booming. It sure is. "What about Bob?" Travis asked Woody Harrelson who adjusted his ten gallon hat as he said, "I'll take care of Bob. You just worry about that PI he's got coming after you." However, Harrelson was not as courageous as he made himself out to be as he met up with Bob later that day in a bar, but they were only drinking milk Cravendale to be precise as this is a kids show didn't ya know? Sorry I didn't mean to get so condescending, oh who am I kidding I love it! Harrelson tried to cut a deal with Bob, he would tell Bob what Spud and Travis were planning for a fraction of the cost of Jenkins. Bob however saw through Harrelson, and proceeded to talk about Spud and Travis were clearly geniuses and had a master plan in works. Woody Harrelson was very upset that those two were getting all the credit for his plan, but he saved face and held his nose in despair as he cried, "why don't people take me seriously?" He then proceeded to walk down the lane, and he just kept walking. Where was he walking to? Probably the local porter's house, or perhaps a summit beyond the clouds. In any case, Spud and Travis set about turning Bob's workforce against him. They knew that Dizzy and Scoop who were Bob's top dogs so to speak, so there was no chance of them turning against their beloved Bob.

Spud was able to get Lofty on his side, by promising to help Lofty plant some flowers; and I mean real flowers not this piranha ones that appeared earlier. Spud started planting the seeds, and realising that it would 50 blooming weeks for the flowers to grow after reading the back of the packet that the seeds came in, and there was a picture on the back of the packet of a farmer who was smiling but it looked like he had a dark secret probably involving radish laced with rat poison that he had given to the local governors. Using a trick taught to him by Globox, Spud did a rain dance which involved a very awkward dance which would then magically cause a rain cloud to appear out of thin air. However, Spud sucked at dancing as he remembered the time at a community centre dance Bob made fun of him as he tried to dance on the stage with a bunch of old people who didn't really understand what they were supposed to be doing, but they had to do otherwise they'd risk offending the head of the centre a very serious man who threatens you as he asks if he looks like a fishy fish. I wonder if it was Michael Paine. Lofty could see that Spud's heart was in the right place, and asked if he could have a room at Spud's new pad. "Oh my no." Spud remarked as he then began laughing hysterically as did Travis. Lofty laughed too, though he felt that Spud's actions were a tad underhanded he felt it unwise to question it as Lofty was a massive pushover. He was also on Bob's bad list at the moment, when he tried to move to Scotland in order to take part in a Scottish action packed reboot of Bob The Builder, and I'm not talking about the reboot of Bob that's currently airing where they made Bob look like a real custard maker. There were plans for a Scottish reboot according to this episode at least where Lofty and other vehicles would work for a band of firefighters. They all looked LEGO people. "Let's go!" The head of the firefighters would proclaim as he ran down an empty hallway, and also despite being set in Scotland none of the characters in said reboot would have had Scottish accents and this was done so that the show could travel better internationally. When the show failed to get picked up, Lofty returned to Bob and was humiliated. Bob had personally made sure that the reboot would fail as he had hired a really terrible agent for Lofty who was a bloody snake with a telephone attached to him and the phone would sometimes give the snake an electric shock as it happens to be his fetish. The snake would tell Lofty to deliver his lines in Spanish in order to confuse the network execs and make them not want to greenlight the show. Upon being told that he would need to speak Spanish for the part, Lofty a very much non Spanish speaker just looked incredibly dumb founded as really weird music played in the background.

Back to the episode, with Lofty on their side Spud and Travis were going after Rollie next. Rollie was my favourite character in Bob The Builder Cinematic Universe (BTBCV); and I don't even know why to be honest with you. However, the trio failed to realise they were being watched from afar by Jenkins who hid behind a lamppost. "I got something to ask ya!" Jenkins proclaimed as he ran across the street like a mad man and was flailing his dark purple notepad up in the air like a real wally. This seems very out of character for the normally serious Jenkins, but he was most likely overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of his arch enemy Spud. Jenkins was about to reach Spud who didn't seem all that bothered as he held his arms out wide as he asked, "what's the matter ole chap?" However, that's when Jenkins was ran over by Muck who had come speeding down the road. Jenkins laid on the road in a mess of broken bones as he cried, "well at least I've got still my complexion." Muck then turned to where Spud, Travis, and Lofty were standing as he asked, "can I come too?" Spud never liked Muck, and proceeded to give him a nasty kick on Muck's glorious chin that looked like Stan Smith's from American Dad. Travis then against Spud's wishes proceeded to say that of course Muck could come with them, as Muck was by far the strongest character in the show and both he and Spud would need Muck's strength in making the house stand in the correct spot. Jenkins recovered instantly from the car crash with his bones now back in place, and he decided to report his failings back to Bob. Jenkins was a massive Call Of Duty fan so he tried to quell Bob's anger by remarking, "mission failed we'll get em next time." "There isn't going to be a next time." An angry Bob responded who was pacing around his basketball court yes he owned a basketball court now, and he then gave Jenkins an incredibly cruel punishment which was to sweep up the floor of the entire neighbourhood. To add insult to injury, Bob issued Jenkins with the tiniest brush you ever did see as well as a very ineffectual wooden dustpan which ended up giving Jenkins a nasty round of splinters on his lucky right-hand he named it Wilmar. Don't feel too bad for Jenkins as last I heard from Mable; ole Jenkins is currently still working as a PI and is also a part-time food critic. He sips on the soup, and asks for the chef to surprise him unaware that his soup had been shat on by a rat.

Rollie was surprisingly easy to recruit as he really liked Spud, and he remembered the time that he, Spud, and a Slavic man with blonde hair and glasses went to Las Vegas where they walked down the steps in matching suits like they owned the place or some shit. That man with the glasses joined the hood last I hear, but not the cool hood the odd hood which occupies stores that house rats inside of jars, and the owner gets very angry when you poke at the jar. Don't tell Henry Tomasino about the rats will you? Anyways, Rollie agreed to come along as had Muck and the smelly Lofty, but Spud knew there was no way he was going to get Scoop and Dizzy on his side as they were more loyal to Bob than anyone else. Although Bob valued their loyalty, he sometimes wondered if maybe they were a bit too loyal which makes no sense at all. Bob are you okay? Spud and his newly formed crew no longer had the fear of Jenkins glaring down at them with his notepad and hat, so they headed on over to the hill where Spud planned to build his house, and what a hill it was indeed. The one place in town which always stayed the same, and bared the name of the town's founder Saint Bob. A really out of place Smash Mouth song began to play in the background as Spud and his crew set to work. Muck was making a real mess as he kept rolling these stone pillars down the hill which angered Spud greatly, however Spud was one to talk as he wasn't really doing much in the way of helping with his new home's construction as he was preoccupied with trying to scare the crows away that occupied his garden, and he tried to do this by farting very loudly and his bad gas came in a scene I neglected to talk about in which Jenkins slipped fart powder 9000 into Spud's latte. Side note; did you know that Spud isn't included in the recent Bob The Builder. That really angered myself and Mable, as we both then wrote a highly informative letter to the television studio regarding our feelings about how the show was being racist towards scarecrows. We headed down to the post office accompanied by a man in a towel who was waving his lottery ticket around unaware that it was actually a note from his dear uncle Sal, but whatever sadly the post office was closed so we decided to frame our letter above the mantle as a little homage to Spud. The reboot's creators may have forgotten about our little Spud, but we certainly hadn't. Okay, Spud needed to test the value of the ground or something, and he had Beck examine it. Beck walked over to the side of the house which was already well under construction, and he proceeded to stick a rain gauge onto the ground beside it. I don't think that's how you examine the value of the land Mr Beck, but I won't judge. In truth; Muck, Lofty, and Rollie were the only vehicles that were currently assisting Spud as Travis was busy attending a sit down with Donovan America the man who owned the hill having won it fair and square in a card game with the previous occupantant. Donovan American had himself a glass of homebrewed American ale, and he sipped on as he said to Travis; "son my son owns the land." That's a whole lot of son! Anyways, Donovan America's son Nicholas owned the land in reality and he was a proper American custard. Do you see what I did there? Sorry that got sinister all of the sudden, but anyways, Travis had to speak with Nicholas who occupied the local abandoned schoolhouse where he once made plans to murder the local onion farmer Sam because he dared to talk about how a grandfather clock provides more entertainment than Donovan's precious Sega Saturn.

Back on top of the hill, Spud was facing problems of his own as a local team of union officials who hailed from New Jersey had showed up to put a stop to the fun, and the leader of the group was a man in a thick grey suit who said, "you are violating the union rules." Spud knew that the officials had been hired by Bob to scare him and his friends away, but he tried to entertain them by singing Green Tambourine with his cohorts. Spud and co dressed up as hippies as they began playing a bluegrass tune, and then a tambourine appeared on screen as Spud kept saying, "listen as I play, play, play," in an overly serious tone of voice. Spud, this is getting kind of weird. Eventually, the unionists had enough of Spud's singing, and one of them gave Spud a swift kick up the arse. Spud fell to the floor in pain, as one of the other officials grabbed a hold of Spud's carrot nose, and proceeded to brutally yank it off as green blood fell out from the hole on Spud's face where the carrot once lied. This part made me shutter, flutter, and also poop as I'm terrified of green ooze. Spud however managed to turn the tables quickly, he grabbed a pair of safety goggles and placed them proudly upon his noble scarecrow face. Spud then grabbed a shovel, and beat the snot out of one of the union officials while another was flattened like a pizza pie by Rollie. Lofty was a pacifist so he did nothing, and just sat in the corner like an NPC waiting for his que while Muck proceeded to brutally crush the head of the union to death. The three Jersey jerseys were then buried under the foundation of the house, and though Bob was not present for this scene I could tell he was probably sweating under his hard hat for Spud had not fallen for his trap. Travis also had great success too, as he was easily able to get the two Americas onto his side, by revealing that he was built in America in a warehouse by the most American people in the world. Speaking of Bob; he was in complete shambles without the rest of his crew. Dizzy and Scoop were useless. Scoop had somehow managed to roll himself into a giant sandpit, and he got stuck there while a rude policeman had a go at him over how big his claw was and Scoop was super self conscious about that so he broke down crying. Dizzy meanwhile tried to keep morale high, but when that failed Bob entrusted her with calling in help from an old friend who would hopefully help Bob with finishing work on the house that Spud had wrecked long ago yet not so very long ago. "You can count on me Bob!" Dizzy proclaimed happily, a little too happily as it made ole Mable sneer at the telly. She never liked Dizzy; as she believed her name was making fun of her vertigo. She had previously tried to get the Alfred Hitchcock movie of the same name banned for that exact reason.

Sadly, Dizzy ended up being the one to hammer the nail into Bob's metaphorical coffin. When Bob mentioned that an old friend is what he needed to finish the house, I had assumed he was referring to Wendy or maybe even Farmer Pickles, and I mean the real Farmer Pickles not that darn Woody Harrelson. But nope! Instead, Dizzy brought along a potato looking son of a potato named Mr Potate. Mr Potate asked Dizzy how much cement her cement mixer body could handle, and Dizzy said, "well let's find out shall we?" Dizzy proceeded to fill herself up with cement, but she filled herself too much, and the cement went flying high into the sky. Mr Potate was very shocked by what he was seeing, and was so shocked in fact that he his mouth wide open and the cement went flying in killing him as he swallowed it. Mr Potate fell to the ground with a smile upon his face, and the screen showed him staring at the camera, and the last thing he did was wink. A wink from ole Mr Potate was the preferred name for this episode I'm sure. And then, Mayor Brown showed up at the house, and upon seeing the damage that Bob had caused he simply rubbed his face with contempt as he said, "you've really let me down Bob." Like some kind of Arthur Morgan; Mayor Brown then said, "I ain't gonna kill you; though I probably should." Mayor Brown then revealed that he and his legal counsel were heading up to the hill in order to view the completion of Spud's new home. If Spud's home was able to impress the Mayor, he would be given the opportunity to build the brand new freeway which would cause millions of turtles to lose their homes, and they would end up right on Mayor Brown's diamond crusted plate as turtles happen to be the only thing that he can eat. "Spud's building a house all by himself? Well this I have to see!" Bob proclaimed as he hitched a ride atop Scoop, as both they and Dizzy headed on up the hill where Spud was making the final adjustments to the house until he decided that there wasn't something faulty with the lights. Spud was standing on a stepladder in the kitchen of the house, and he was twisting the lightbulb around and around for a long time before he said, "this doesn't feel right." "What do you mean Spud?" Asked Travis. Spud then explained that he and Travis that the wires were very dangerous, and to get his point across to the audience at home including Mable and I he held the wires up to the screen and there was a big chunk bitten out from it by mice or something. Angry mice. There were sparks of light coming from the wires, and that was when Bob burst in as he declared, "out of the way Spud this is my house now!" Bob pushed Spud off the stepladder, and Bob climbed to the top of the ladder and set to work on preparing the light. He plugged the chewed plug into the wall to Spud's protests, as he and Travis then out from the house. However, the house did not catch on fire to their surprise instead the entire thing became lit in a mess of beautiful Christmas lights as Spud had been given the lights as a gift from his friend Mark Phonebelly before he got a bad stomach ache following an encounter with a clown, but that's another story.

Confused, Spud was about to head down the hill resigned to the fact that he'd always be a scarecrow in a field with no hopes of ever escaping when all of the sudden one of the mayor's cronies a stringy beaned shaped man approached the self destruct contraption which lied right next to the house. Spud had that thing placed outside the house in case he needed to start over, and a quick explosion would take care of the mess without him and his crew having to break their backs getting the house demolished. The stringy bean shaped man walked to the big red self destruct button as he pondered aloud, "I wonder what's this red button do?" He pressed the button down as the house then proceeded to explode with Bob still inside of it, but he looked quite happy about the whole thing as he saw a high heel stuck to the ceiling that reminded him of a time after time or something. Bob perished in the fire, but his ghost then appeared and proclaimed, "what a bobby jaguar!" "Yes it certainly was Bob." Spud said as he attempted to put his arm around Bob, but as Bob was now a ghost his arm ended up going through Bob like a knife through the butteriest of butters. "Let's head home for some snacks!" Dizzy proclaimed, and everyone agreed happily including Bob's ghost. The whole gang headed to Bob's house where they had themselves a ridiculously healthy snack of salad on top of salad. There was even some unlimited rice pudding. Spud hates ride pudding sadly, so he decided to take it outside, but upon walking onto the front porch with his rice pudding he was about to throw it into a nearby bush when he was ran over and killed by Muck who said, "the past must be paid for Spud." Spud's decapitated head went flying, and it ended up falling into a hole a hedgehog hole the same one that Spud's nose had once fallen into. The hedgehogs occupying the hall all died of fright upon seeing Spud's detached head enter their home, and Spud's head looked at the screen as he then joked, "I'm a head of the rest!" That is just classic Spud, I tell you! The episode then ended with the credits which were just a gif of Bob running over dead flowers in a flowerbed with Scoop on a loop. A post credit scene then played... well two actually. The first one had Mayor Brown sitting inside of a sauna enjoying the heat when a fricking ninja turtle walked in draped in a massive white towel. He was built like a brickhouse, and he pointed at Brown as he said, "I hear you like to eat turtles matey." Mayor Brown gasped as he realised he was in for a long sauna. The final clip showed an incredibly fat man in a bed covered in blankets, so many blankets it reached the sky of his hotel room. He gave a thumbs up to the camera as he then said in an incredibly nonchalant tone, "hey dudes."

The HIT logo then appeared, but it was replaced with a logo for something known as Rabe Maniels Media. "Weird." I remarked as I lit myself a cigarette. There was no smoking allowed in the house, but this episode shocked me. I really wanted Spud to succeed, but even when it seems like things are finally beginning to look up for that scarecrow man hybrid fate just has to go and shovel shit in his face. I put out my cigarette, as I offered Mable a cup of tea. We decided that we were going to call the police right away, and a few hours passed when a big fat policeman showed up accompanied by another man in a pinstripe suit. I recognised the pinstripe suited man; he had been on Weakest Link back in 2005 where he made it his soul goal to crush the morale of all of his fellow players, and when he finally won he complained to everyone about how he had not received his money yet. I also saw him at an Argos once buying a brand lampshade, I never said what he was buying would be funny now did I dear? Anyways, the policeman sat down in the living room, and an unpleasant sound left his gut as he said, "ooh pardon." The policeman introduced himself as Rabe Maniels, and he proceeded to explain that the DVD we watched was created by a good friend of his named Wilfred Mott; the same Wilfred Mott who was listed in the opening credits of the episode. According to Maniels; the other man in the room was his personal hatchet man Alan Johnson. We had actually irked Maniels' wrath by reporting the DVD to the authorities as he and his associates did not want anyone reporting their creations to the authorities. Maniels let out a big ole fart, as he then said, "however, I'm not in the business of killing old ladies, so I've got a little ultimatum in mind." "Okay, we're listening," I said as we and Mable huddled close to each other on the sofa as Maniels then explained that he had been watching us for a while now. Maniels had become impressed with our wild and unpredictable personalities including the time Mable and I chopped the hand off from a store clerk at a local B&M who was trying to nick a chocolate gold coin off from the ground. "Shame on you!" Mable proclaimed as we both proceeded to cut the man's hand off with the sharp end of the umbrella which we had doused in cod liver oil. Another time; this Maniels fella was attending the opera well actually he was acting in it as a butch security guard named Pete, and during the performance he saw us arriving late to our seats where we then proceeded to throw a family of three off from the balcony because we were totally booked for those seats, and that piece of a turd family had to come and take them!

In present times, Maniels placed his police cap back on as he said, "the choice is this; work for me and you'll go free as a breeze; or else Johnson's gonna make you into one of his brand new suitcases." Maniels was not lying either, as Mable and I had seen the suitcases that Johnson had brought into the house with him as if as he was planning on staying awhile. The suitcases were made out of the skin of various scary animals like a itsy bitsy spider, a Komodo Dragon, and a blue ring octopus. Keep away from the octopus's tentacles as my mentor Sour Apple used to teach me back when I was training to become an apple saleswoman. Johnson stood behind us with a machete in hand, but Mable and I enjoyed the feeling of being evil so we agreed to join Maniels. The very pleased Rabe Maniels proceeded to clasp his hands together as he proclaimed, "excellent!" He then pulled us into a bear hug, and our faces grimaced as we were crushed to the crushing point by Maniels' fat chest as he said in a reassuring tone of voice, "trust me on this you ladies have made the right choice." Maniels then began to leave the house with ourselves and Alan Johnson following behind him. "So what is our new job?" Mable asked Maniels who smiled warmly as he then gestured towards Johnson and said, "you two lovely young ladies are going to be helping out Johnson. See; Alan here is an expert in the disposal business but there's just one problem he can't drive. So; that's where you two come in." We walked out onto the front porch where we came across a brand spanking new yellow van which had the Aunt Bessy's logo plastered onto the side of it. "I take it is to your likening?" Maniels joked as he handed Mable and I the keys to the van which we lovingly christened the Aunt Bessy Mobile. "Yes indeed! Thank you Mr Maniels!" Mable and I proclaimed in unison, and Maniels held his hands up in a joking manner as he said, "please call me Rabe." Maniels headed over to the other side of the road where a police cruiser with three officers was waiting for him. Johnson had been sandwiched in the back between two officers like a helpless blob of peanut butter attending a baseball game which is then sandwiched by two dastardly Chips Ahoy cookies. Maniels before getting into the cruiser turned to face Mable and I as he said, "if you'll excuse me ladies; there's a young punk over in Greenfield, London who doesn't know his place. He's called the cops about some SpongeBob DVD that Wilfred made sometime ago. I told Johnny that CEX was a no go for our DVD's!" Maniels ended his mini rant as he bit into a Cadburys Mini Roll which disgusted me personally as he hadn't even bothered to completely unwrap the fricking thing, and just shoved the chocolatey roll caked in a wrapper right into his fat gob as he said, "well no matter; I'll take care of this renegade soon enough, I know the type, and he seems like the kind of guy who'd cause a lot of trouble if you'd let him." Maniels farted one last time as he got into the police cruiser and drove off into the looming sunset.

Mable and I then turned offered to make Johnson a cup of tea and he smiled at us with a dirty smile as he proclaimed, "sounds good to me! Lead the way!" We spent the rest of the day on the couch watching Wallace & Gromit's Three Cracking Adventures with Johnson who then explained that he worked at JLB Credit's London branch, but began working on the side as a hitman for Maniels after he saved the man's life from a gang of violent street thugs a few years back. As we drew to the end of The Wong Trousers, Johnson received a call on his custom made Mickey Mouse cellphone, and he answered it as he simply said, "I'm on my way." Johnson then put on his gloves, and put his suit back on as he looked at us with a cheery grin as he said, "the boss' got a job for us, are you ladies ready?" Mable and I stood up from the sofa with knitting needles and sowing materials at the ready as we proclaimed, "let's a go!" It was time for some unlucky son of a gun to learn the real meaning of Aunt Bessy' goose fat roast potatoes!