DPDA Case No. 17

The seventeenth case of the DPDA took place on the 13th of November 1993. The following case file is written by Denzel Pepper.

## Lippy

### Performers

Denzel PepperCecil Longstaff

Bernard Smith

Tim Crescent

Elroy Crookes

Racial Ghoul

## Case File

Yo. Denzel Pepper here. Right, well it started a couple days prior, yeah? Around the 11th of November, methinks. I was just in my Peckham flat with Cecil and his 6 year old niece. And we were just watching My Little Pony, until the DPDA phone in the living room got a ring. Me and Cecil exchanged a glance. A glance of a thousand emotions. His face did not know what to do, his lips curled upwards into a smile, but his eyes looked distressed. I jumped up from my armchair and backflipped, stopping just by the phone. The brand new DPDA phone was a shiny light blue 70s rotary phone. Me and Cecil attempted to install a Fireman Sam-like pole which we could access through our living room window, however our landlord would not let us.

I delicately picked up the phone with my fingers, fingering my ring gifted to me by a self-proclaimed wizard at a Northamptonshire fairground. A familiar voice spoke softly into the phone. ''Hello, Boy''. I felt insulted but reassured at the same time. A posh voice spoke to me. Immediately I could identify by the baritone nature of his voice and the way he curved his words that he came from Cambridgeshire. With an undeniable venom in my voice, I hissed ''Hello, man. What do you want, praytell?'' Cecil heard the venom in my voice, and he began tearing up. I put my thumb on his chin and wiped his forehead. ''Don't worry. I've got it under control'' I told him. His eyes sparkled with hope. The donny on the phone told me his dog's been nicked. Well, shit, I thought. shitting shitting shit I thought. I informed Cecil, and he rose from his seat and screamed ''YOU ARE THE DEVIL!!'' I changed into an Opulent Orange jumper, and Cecil changed into a Beautiful Blue polo shirt. We opened our window and slid out after jumping onto the street below. We ran and ran and ran until we became sweaty men. We had to get up to Camden Town.

After 2 hours of running with one break, we arrived at the DPDA office, sweating and puffing and sweating. We broke down at the door, and I fainted into the settee. Bernard and Benjamin rushed to my help, crying over my temporary loss. Cecil drank two bottles of rum and pissed half a litre. I reported the news of the man and his dog to Bernard and Benjamin. Benjamin put his hand over his mouth and gasped ''Dear God, man!'' Tim was summoned to the Headquarters. We all had to step outside into the courtyard to take some fresh air. I stared at the puddles of rain which reflected Bernard's sweet face in my eyes, which provided me with a small amount of comfort. As we sat under an eiderdown sky, we pondered what would happen. Will we rescue this man's doggy woggy?

The next morning we made our way to the man's gaff. His name? Victor Vandergard. We walked into his Hammersmith manor. I looked onto his witty white walls and saw his birth certificate on the wall. I was right. He was born in Cambridgeshire. I was wearing a white vest and large ripped jeans. Cecil was wearing my pretty pink shirt. I sat on my bum-bum on the white leather settee. Victor sat across from me and started licking his lips. I snogged down a bottle of Dr. Pepper. Me and Benjamin interviewed Victor about his doggy woggy. The cunt were fucked. He were proper fucked. I'd say he had like 10 shots of summat, don't fucking know of what, man. But he were proper fucking damaged. He started fucking about talking about how mad his dog were, but then he said summat that could not go unnoticed. He mentioned the name 'Elroy Crookes' and referred to him as a friend. I grabbed Victor by the scruff of his vest and slapped him. ''HOW DO YOU KNOW ELROY, DAMN YOUR EYES'' I screamed. The cunt laughed and laughed. I slapped him and stormed out of the house. At this point, we declared the case closed, as I would not do business with a friend of Elroy Crookes.

The next night, we went to a club with the DPDA staff. We danced and danced and we danced and we danced and I became a whore. Cecil performed a flamenco dance to the Calypso Breakdown, as myself and Tim necked on with some people. Me, Tim, and Bernard went into the bathroom because we were doing this challenge where we drank the water from the toilets. We were shitting ourselves laughing. All of a sudden, two large men with large weapons came into the bathroom. I said ''What's up kimosabe?'' after giving one a hug. Mind you I were fucking wasted at this point, c'mon, y'know? These thick donnies nicked us, yeah? They gave us a smack on the head. I've been told by Benjamin that he saw us being dragged out in transparent plastic bags by the men, however he thought nowt of it cos he reckoned that it were just one of our party tricks.

We woke up a few hours later to a grey and sunless roof. My eyes settled on the multicoloured walls. I thought I had accidentally ingested some acid and went on another trip, but in actual fact of matter, I was in Elroy Crookes' house of madness. I got up and I ran into some fucking neeks, right? They took me to stand in front of a camera and made me hold up this sign saying ''I'm a poo-head''. I were fucking fuming about this, I were throwing arms, yeah? They said they was going to plaster the photos up all over the Inter-net. To be honest, I don't really know what that is, but I'm not willing to risk it.

They made Bernard and Tim take similar photos, and then they took us into a large dark room with seven white marble pillars. Bernard's face was red with rage, however he kept himself calm, clearly meditating and plotting a plan. In the centre of the room sat an empty man. Elroy Crookes. But besides him sat two other hooded figures. The two revealed their ugly faces - Racial Ghoul and Victor Vandergard. I jumped up with my cute heel shoes and grazed their faces with my burgundy corduroy trousers. They screamed in agony, falling to the ground. I laughed in triumph. I kicked Elroy with my heel shoe, and performed a victory dance. Racial Ghoul jumped up and drew two 1840s wooden pistols, cackling and laughing. Bernard equipped his glasses and performed Brazilian Jiujitsu on Racial Ghoul. The two got into a ferocious fight using their surroundings as weapons - Bernard swinging from the pillars like an effervescent elephant. Racial Ghoul using his cape to entangle Bernard. He slammed Bernard against the wall. I went into shock.

Bernard looked at me in fear, trembling and crying. The Ghoul viscously grabbed Bernard's pretty pink round glasses off of his nose and crushed them in his hands. Bernard cried as he looked at the last remaining gift he had received from his brother. Suddenly, his face turned from sadness to absolute rage. He lifted up his fist, charged for 10 seconds as Racial Ghoul laughed and muttered ''GREAT RIGHT HOOK!'' he performed a swift punch to the Ghoul and sent him flying through the wall. Elroy rose and bit my leg. I fell over, whimpering. He front flipped over me and grabbed Tim by the head, then flipping him into the wall.

Tim had noticed that there was a large armoury of weapons on the wall opposite him. He grabbed a machine gun, and ran into the colourful room just outside. Elroy picked up a pistol from the Ghoul and chased after me and Tim. Tim equipped the machine gun, however I noticed that Elroy was about to shoot Tim. ''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'' I screamed, jumping and pushing Tim out of the way. Elroy got the wall, and fell to the floor in shame that he missed. Bernard took the opportunity to perform a Pedigree on Elroy. Elroy's neeky goons start chasing after us, so I ran to the entrance. I ran to a small stage and picked up my guitar. I began playing an amazing guitar riff to taunt these incompetent knobbies. Me, Tim and Bernard crawled up onto the truss, however I lowered myself to be just out of reach of his goons, as to taunt them again. I shouted ''You are the poo-heads!'' and made my way up. We escaped through the window, and then jumped onto the street below.

The street stunk of piss and dead fish, we looked behind us and saw we were being chased. Shit. We jumped a garden wall, air roaring in our lungs, the slimy grass sinking our feet. I stopped for a second and ran back into the crowd of goons. Tim and Bernard were confused at what I was doing, but I knew exactly what I was doing. I ran into them and bodied them all.

## Dictionary

* Donny = Slang for a man.
* Gaff = 80s slang for House.
* Neek = Nerd.

## Gallery

Bernard's Elroy Crookes MugshotTim's Elroy MugshotDenzel's Elroy MugshotDenzel about to throw a punchDenzel saving Tim from being shotDenzel has a headache : - (Denzel Playing the GutiarDenzel Escaping