Sean and Hayes, Our Closest Friends

**"Sean and Hayes, Our Closest Friends"** is the fifty-seventh episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

The guys obey the most powerful wishes of their listeners and do a show without a guest where they interview each other, then take a barrage of questions from the Popcorn Gallery (no song).

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Sean talking over the theme: So I turned to Hayes... Davenport, you! Hayes: "this is a story about me? what did you say?" I think I asked you to hand me a mi tie or something, I was thirsty or something. Do you remember? Cause I actually don't know the second half of the story. Hayes: "Well I think I remember, you asked me for a mi tie, and..." Did I? Cause I made that up, I don't know what happened. Hayes continues: "Here's why you don't remember, it's very funny. Because we were on a desert island" Oh... yes, okay. He just did it because of a joke, to lighten the mood, he knew they'd get rescued and they could continue to make movies. (They didn't actually get rescued, they got themselves off the island) and the way they got off the island later became the idea for castaway

* Hayes messes up the intro to the episode, but he decides he's not gonna get mad, because it's gonna be a nice special show. Sean wants his what up what up to have a nice zing to it, because it is gonna be such a special show -- he then does a nice warm up to prepare himself.
* Sean and Hayes decided to listen to their fans, and just do a show by themselves instead of having a guest on. The listeners get really pissed off at just listening to the guests when all they want to do is hear Hayes and Sean.
* Hayes and Sean are often tantalizingly close to the microphones to where they could be answering questions themselves but they don't -- Sean compares this to when a young woman will dangle her fingers just centimeters away from that.... most sensual organ. The male penis. Hayes audibly laughs after this. So Hayes and Sean decide to finally quit being so close to the microphone and not speaking into it, and decide to finally explore themselves and not just ask questions to someone else.
* Hayes and Sean still don't know about each others personal lives as well as they'd like to so they're both looking forward for this show to just explore and get to know each other better.
* Hayes talks about how he changed how he goes about his entire day, and changed his feng shui. Hayes now has his bed in the center in his bedroom, and he can do a back headspring, and do a spider crawl to the ceiling right out the door. He also changed the windows to floor level so he can see people walk by. It helped changed change the flow and energy of his life. Other than that the one thing that's made a difference, is the toilet bowl and tank of his toilet have been separated, and the tank is now outside -- they're not connected at all, you have to get water yourself and manually change it out now.
* Sean isn't really doing the whole bathroom thing nowadays, he's doing zero net calories, he uses everything that he consumes and has no need to let anything out. Sean talks about how he's a producer, he produces and puts out content, and in return he gets paid money. So that's why he doesn't want to make any do dees, because he is producing something, but he doesn't get anything out of it. So he likes to keep it all to himself
* Sean and Hayes decide to define their exact job. Sean starts and says his exact job title is that he's a spaceship driver. Sean explains this by saying when he makes movies he's taking people to a whole other world that they couldn't get to without him. So in that way -- he's a spaceship driver. Although, it's a little limiting, he also has to build the spaceship, figure out what kinda fuel he needs, figure out what kinda tunes he wants in it and he has to figure out how far away how long of a trip it is, and finally to make sure everyone's laughing their butts off the whole way
* Sean acts a few different scenes out to give examples on how he's a space ship driver, and he actually decides to give out two very different scenario's to show everyone just how different things can be. Hayes remarks at how good Sean is at this, and mentions how it's like there's a fork in the road in his brain -- it's like Sean has two different brains.
* Hayes like to think of his job title as a sled dog racer -- and not really because of an analogy, but because it's fun to think about doing something like that. Sean offers to give his real work analogy, but Hayes wants to keep this separate from work, it's just fun to think about the dogs being his coworkers -- Hayes doesn't agree with having dogs as pets because it's jail for them. Hayes then relates the pound to a hotel for dogs, and for him it's like a place for him to in at night and open all the cages up.
* Sean says the reason why he doesn't introduce his family to his Hollywood friends, is that he's embarrassed that he's leading two different lifestyles. From going from a farm orphan, to now having a beautiful basement apartment in his dad's house -- he feels he wasn't always cool or funny or smart. Or even, able to see out of both his eyes. So it feels like he keeps these things separate because if someone knew everything about him like those things, maybe they wouldn't like who he was. Sean mentions how everyone knows one secret, but not all of them. Hayes has one, Steffie has one, and each of his kids have one some of them are even just babies, where the secret is just written on them, and of course his dad has a secret, and even certain barista's and his AT&T guy has one. Hayes mentions how it'd be one fun scavenger hunt to go around town to find out all the secrets about him
* Sean then talks about how he's met all of Hayes' girlfriends and he goes through them very quickly and it makes him wonder -- does it make Hayes yearn for that great romance. Is that something he seeks and desires? or is he happy with the lifestyle he has. Hayes answers by saying he'll meet someone he really likes go on a few dates and get to know each other but eventually it gets to a point he feels comfortable with this person, and they'll go to each others place at some point and they'll spend the night, and they'll start getting intimate -- kissing, touching, disrobing in a fun way. But then it gets to the point where it gets to the point that it's time to have intercourse. His thing will go in there and Hayes DOES NOT like it. Sean asks if he's afraid it won't come back out? Hayes says no, it's just something about it -- it's so fucked up! as soon as it goes in, he just thinks I hate this! and he runs away to the corner of the room. The girl will usually come over and say what's wrong to which Hayes will answer he just remembered something that happened to him as a kid or something, but that makes them just want to do it more. To answer Sean's question -- yes.
* Sean asks if there is anything he likes the way it feels, and Hayes answers that once in the middle of the night, he tripped and speared a grape, it feels like a wet hat. The only way Hayes can have sex is by accident. He can't do it if he tries to do it, Sean recommends having a girl hide things like roller skates and things to trip on around the house in order to fall into these girls and have sex.
* Sean talks about how he assumed something like this was going on with Hayes, because of how he would advertise it, and joke around. He talks about how once Hayes held up a wine bottle and said, "I wish my ding dong speared this cats grandfather" and how once time they were all watching California Raisins special Hayes was all like, "mmm yeah I'd like to fuck their dad, well not fuck but what I'm talking about is much more complicated then that"
* Hayes asks if they could take a break he's getting all sad all of the sudden

### Guest Segment (No Guest)

* Hayes talking over the theme: So I think I turned to Sean.... You, Clements. Sean: "wait a minute, me? what?" And so I said, did you rewind this? but I don't remember what I was holding" Sean cuts in to say, he remembers this it was one of those party things where you whip your arm and a ribbon unravels. Hayes doesn't understand how this thing unravels or retracts and Sean mentioned how he would rewind (retract) this and Hayes was mystified

## Recurring Segments

* Popcorn Gallery - Sean and Hayes will be taking questions from the popcorn gallery today, and since the songs purpose is to explain the popcorn gallery and they already know what it is they decide to skip the song
	1. Asteck - "What was your first memory of a movie?"
		+ Sean says his first memory was the part in *Under Seige* where the chick with the big jugs pops outta the cake. Sean was not young when that movie came out, in fact he was producer on the film.
		+ Hayes says that his first memory was a scene in *Fury* where the one guy is quoting a bible verse, and the main guy already knows what it is so he finishes it.
	2. Mean Detective - "How have your personal, and psychological difficulties informed your work as professional humorists?"
		+ Sean and Hayes don't like this one so they skip it
	3. Charlie Murphy-Browns - "As hilarious as it was, and remains to this day, is it not the premise behind Reality SHOW show and it's offshoots like your Joel Mchales, Ryan Seacrests, and Nick Lachey's isn't it the whole it's important to act like this is important thing just some...." Sean interrupts and says next.
	4. Ronnie hog - "I think I have a dope connection at a major studio in Hollywood, but I don't know how to take our relationship to the next level what's a creative or original way to show him I would do anything to be famous?"
		+ Sean doesn't have an answer for it, but it's a very good question
		+ Hayes hasn't ever been in this position before
	5. Bozos - "Hayes, what is more important? being really cool or really funny?"
		+ Hayes mentions funniness is cool, so FUNNY
		+ Sean then talks about how at the beginning of a movie *Cool World* Brad Pitt is sitting there being a dork and everyone around him is getting into cool world by being cool by being good at being basketball and being handsome, and then he cracks a joke and buss's everyone up and that's how he gets friends and gets to fuck cartoon Kim Basinger
	6. (No user) "Sean what is the scariest thing you is ever seen?"
		+ A mouse skellington - a skellington is bad enough, but a mouse is small enough to where it could be anywhere and you wouldn't even know. Hayes asks how Sean saw this mouse skellington, and Sean says he doesn't want to tell the whole story but let's just say him and Victor Garber aren't friends anymore
	7. Valerie Bryant - "Hayes, what's your favorite inside joke between you and Sean?"
		+ It's an inside joke...
	8. Greggy - "What's your favorite podcasts?"
		+ Of the Earwolf ones? There's parts of each that they like. If you took parts of each one and made it into one podcast they'd really like it. (Sean cuts in to say they're NOT describing a frankingstein) From Comedy Bang Bang they like when they're not playing around they like when they take it seriously. Sean likes the very long phone calls from Improv4Humans, Hayes likes the videos from the Fogeynest files (Fogelnest Files) Sean likes Elzabeth, Andy, and the Opera game from Totally Laime -- actually that one would be the bowl of all the podcasts. They'd also add elements of the cracked one, and add Andrew Ti, Andrew Ti would be ALL over it, they'd want his ad reads actually. And He'd be married to the girl from movie show. And they're having a nice movie, with Totally Laime and her husband.
	9. Greggy - "Who is your dream guest for the show?"
		+ Josh Radner, next question
	10. (No user) - "Where do you get your funny ideas?"
		+ Sean says his actual dream guest, the one that he dreamed is Paul Bunyan, but he has skin like a crocodile but he's not scary he's helping Sean drive a truck.
	11. Greasy Bob - "What is the most hardcore bluecollar thing you've ever done?"
		+ Make a movie is like a lunch pale job.
	12. TheloniousJunk - "What is your favorite episode, segment, or guest?"
		+ This one
	13. (No user) - "Between the two of you, who would win in a fight?"
		+ Woah, oh woah, oh man, woah. Don't make them do this, everybody loses in this scenario. They answer this question in the form of a movie, and in the instance of *Rocky* a boxer would win the fight, because boxing is the highest form of fighting
	14. TheloniousJunk - "How big of a donation to Earwolf would it take to hang out with you guys?"
		+ To Earwolf? Not to Hollywood Handbook? The answer is zero, then the sub answer is make a donation somewhere else and maybe your chances will get better.
	15. Valerie Bryant - "Sean where do you see yourself in ten years?"
		+ Six feet under. We're bringing back that show for another season
* Pro Version - nicedad43 - The prize is he can ask them each one question on the forum, but they will not answer it to him they will answer it to each other

## Recurring Jokes

* Wife and Kids - Hayes wants to talk about more personal things, and mentions how he's never met anyone in Sean's family. Such as Steffie or his kids or his dad. Sean talks about how he makes compartments in life, one compartment in him and Hayes and the other is for his family.
* Talking to the Engineer - Sean briefly mentions how he's been keeping a box of stuff over at Sam's place for when he needs to stay there
* Too Scary - In the movie *Fury* where everyone is blowing up, that was way too scary
* Bussin' Up - Bradd Pitt made a joke that had everyone Bussin' up in *Cool World* and that's how he got friends and got to fuck cartoon Kim Basinger
* Bashing Other Podcasts / Andrew Ti - During the popcorn gallery and answering Greggy's question Hayes and Sean mention Andrew Ti and take a few jabs at other podcasts.

## Ads

* Today's show is brought to you by Qualityslug.com. Hayes thinks a fun thing to do for this ad is for him to go to this site himself so we can hear his reactions to the site. Hayes is having trouble going about getting to the site, and so engineer Sam is helping him out
* Paul Scheer (Hayes) comes on the show to do an ad for Wolfpop
* Sometimes the show will stop and the host will talk about stamps, podcasts, or cards, and what these things are, are ads. They're small middle parts are called ads, and what they do is they help the podcaster keep making the show -- like food for the show. The ad company for this show is called midroll. 67% of Hollywood Handbook listeners buy a product on the show. You can even be a product youself. Midroll.com/HH

## Episode Photos

Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements in the studioHayes and Sean bussin' up in the studioHayes bussin' up in the studioSean bussin' up in the studio