PS1 Haunted House

* (Enter chamber)
* Voice: Fee, fi, fo, fum, you have a butt and I have a thumb. I'm speaking, not the rum, time for you to show me your bum.
* (Chamber extends, revealing paintings are of a pile of guys drowning by being chained underwater, a woman on a tightrope over a shark, a woman standing on a trapdoor with snakes below it, and a guy standing on a nuke.)
* Voice: Is this room actually stretching? It is. And are there actually no windows and no doors? There are. There aren't. There are no windows and doors. There aren't windows and doors. So how you get out? Well, there's always his way.
* (Lights go out, turn back on to reveal a hanging corpse as bloodcurdling screams and struggled breathing fill the room; the lights go out again and the rope snaps, dropping the body just as they turn back on. The corpse is a zombie that jump-scares you and chases you into a corner before snapping its neck and ripping its head off, dying.)
* Voice: Ba ha ha ha ha! Did I scare you prematurely? Are my premature scares not enough for you! Well, too bad! I'm gonna drop all my premature scares on you! So don't whine about them unless you want to die!
* (The lights go out again with a loud slam. They turn back on and a door appears.)
* Voice: Oh, now there is a door. But be warned, there may be any manner of snakes, specters, or ghosts lying beyond it!
* (Door slams open)
* Voice: There aren't any. Yet. Get out.
* (Floor breaks open and you fall into a Doom Buggy.)
* Voice: Just kidding! You're being transported directly into your Doom Buggy. You like Doom?
* (Gory Doom gameplay plays on a screen on the buggy.)
* Voice: Too bad! No Doom for you!
* (The screen shatters and glass flies right at your FUCKING eyes.)
* Voice: Keep your fingers, hands, toes, head, and Achilles tendons in your Doom Buggy, lest they get amputated on this wild ride. On your mark, get set; 3--
* (Doom Buggy immediately rushes at nigh-sonic speed, sending you through sharp turns.)
* Voice: You may have thought this would be a dull, slow ride through a haunted house with nothing truly scary. Well, it is.
* (Vehicle halts)
* Voice: Not.
* (Vehicles speeds up again before slowing down at a pile of rocks and a giant skull someone is buried under, struggling to breathe and get out from as a crocodile sits on the mound and weighs it down.)
* Voice: Oh no, it appears poor Peter Pepper Pulper Pulp has been pulverized, or at least buried alive-d! Will you get the chance to save him before he dies? Nope.
* (Vehicles speeds up again and halts almost off the rails as sorrowful music plays, before turning a corner to a band playing it with a woman suddenly singing opera vocals.)
* Voice: Ah, music the universal language! Music, music, the musical music, the more you eat, the more music!
* (Lights shut out as the sounds stops before turning back on to reveal banshees who scream at you and chase you.)
* Voice: Let's run to the forest, run!
* (Vehicle speeds up as the Banshees chase you and eventually catch the vehicle, rocking it back and forth as they fight over it before tossing it off of the rails.)
* Voice: Uh oh, my friends! Time for a bumpy landing... ride!
* (The vehicles crashes to the ground.)
* Voice: Do you like spiders? Well, they like you!
* (A horde of spiders starts chasing the vehicle and run all over the screen, some sticking to it and biting it before you pull them off and squash them in your hand bloodily.)
* Voice: Did I mention that their bites are poisonous? Oh, I didn't. Let's rush you over to the hospital. But, first, the Shrieking Shack!
* (Speed up to a shack and smash through the doors before awakening a werewolf and getting chased by it as it throws a chair at you that just misses and shatters against a wall.)
* Voice: Werewolves are truly some of the best people, regardless of what books may tell you. This one isn't.
* (Lights go out and turn back on as the werewolf stands right in front of you like a deer in headlights.)
* Voice: He doesn't see you. Let's move out slowly.)
* (Werewolf does the scariest jump-scare ever as it lunges at you and grabs ahold, trying to eat your throat.)
* Voice: Quick! To the window!
* (Speed to the window and smash through it as more glass flies into your eyes, before the vehicles crashes to the ground with the werewolf under it.)
* Voice: Oh, getting squashed by a Doom Buggy, a werewolf's one weakness! But don't worry, he's not dead, he just has a few bumps and broken bones to sort out. Speaking of which, that glass has given you quite a hernia. Let's go to the hospital!
* (Speeds up to the hospital!)
* Voice: Himmler's Hospital has five star reviews! Well, ten half-a-star reviews. Good luck!
* (Smash through the doors, the doctors are putting a sheet on a dead baby.)
* Voice: Couldn't make it. Let's see if you're any different!
* (A doctor holds you down and stabs you repeatedly with a syringe, laughing gleefully, before you go unconscious and wake up.)
* Voice: There! All the glass out of your eyes and poison out of your hand! For now. Let's add more.
* (The vehicle speeds up as every glass object shatters and snakes and spiders chase you.)
* Voice: The snakes and spiders are quite harmless! Well, they have less venom than the Maricopa harvester ant, anyways.
* (Ants run across the screen and threaten you.)
* Voice: Dance, ants, dance!
* (The dance fall off and start dancing on the floor.)
* Voice: It was a figure of speech! Oh, what eff-ers, they didn't stand a chance! Next!
* (Speed through the hospital and narrowly avoid a doctor chasing you with shock paddles before smashing through a window and speeding towards the house again.)
* Voice: Did you know that this is a male house? Not because he lacks a uvula, bigot, but because he identifies as male. Take note.
* (Speed up and smash through a window.)
* Voice: We're back in the house again. Now for the final task; escaping Laurine.
* (Laurine appears and starts chasing you with a giant FUCKING razor blade.)
* Voice: Watch out! Laurine decapitates those who disobey here.
* (Decapitated bodies and heads appear in picture frames.)
* Voice: Don't let her catch you!
* (Speed up to a wall that shatters like glass before sending you falling back to the starting point.)
* Voice: Woo, that was fun! Wasn't it? You may be wondering how you get out of here now. You don't. You never will. Goodbye.
* (Lights go out before briefly turning back on for a jump-scare before going out again.)