AMBiTiON/Story/Ch. 18

## Chapter 18 - Morals

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As the bell chimed and everyone in the classroom began to take their leave, a girl stayed put in her seat.

A familiar violet-haired girl bid her a friendly goodbye, but the girl murmured, holding in her sorries, a hesitant one in return.

She sat by the wall, in the third row out of five. A seat like that was nothing to pay attention to, yet she felt like everyone was staring. Finally, as if something alerted her, the girl's gaze sharpened and she got up from her chair. Grabbing her bag, she lumbered toward the classroom door and left without a word.

Her walk through the hallway continued wordlessly. The girl's eyes were downcast as she walked with a brisk pace. Head down, a hard stare at the floor - her melancholic persona was unfitting of the energetic hairstyle she wore, a cute side ponytail with a braid on it. To her relief, no one would be able to tell what was going through her head.

Two girls with guitar cases on their backs hurried past the expressionless girl. She responded with an agonizing sigh to herself, nothing more.

It was back to square one for her, Chihiro supposed.

Oh, well. Everything she did was doomed to fail after all. Not as if she deserved a second chance, anyways.

Maybe she should've just stopped trying. Yeah, it would have been a waste of everyone's time to keep going when it would end in failure no matter what. Somehow though, it just didn't feel right.

Never would Chihiro have believed that there would be people that mattered this much to her - Not when everyone before them had turned a blind eye to the brown-haired girl. 'Guess things change,' she told herself, 'but I never do.'

It felt oddly empty. From the lack of Izumi's spam messages on their group chat, to the fact that Sorae didn't even try to find Chihiro and Aki for lunch that day - Monday, three days after the vocalist told everything to everybody except Aki. There was no way she could tell it to her.

Drinking in the depressing atmosphere, Chihiro's legs brought her closer and closer to the train station with each subconscious step. Raindrops danced on her polka-dotted yellow umbrella, and her shoe collided with a pool of water. Ripples. She wondered if she would see Izumi and Mai there, or if the two Haneoka students would hide. Well, she'd understand if they did.

'Welp, here I am.' She gazed up at the train station, her stomach aching from anxiousness. What should she do if she saw Izumi? The short drummer refused any and all contact from her. But Chihiro might be able to apologize to her, now that they'd be in person. It wasn't silly, surely.

Tmp. Tmp. Despite the sounds of other strangers, Chihiro's footsteps on the stairs to the station platform rang crystal clear.

Everything came into view, and there she was, the aloof Izumi. She didn't stand in her usual spot, instead the short girl was right up near the train tracks. Mai was there as well, nearby but not close enough for the pair to look associated. It wasn't characteristic of the calm guitarist, but Mai held a troubled expression for good reason. Chihiro felt doubt fill her stomach.

Tmp. Tmp. The standoffish Izumi was silent as she stared boredly into the train tracks, emotionless. It was nothing like the Izumi that Chihiro knew - She had reverted into Takimoto-senpai.

Squeak. Chihiro came to a stop, freezing up when Izumi was now only about two meters away - This was the closest she could get. The curly-haired girl's brows furrowed in scorn as Izumi realized her presence, though neither uttered a word.

"I-Izumin..." Chihiro began, her voice breaking. When Izumi made eye contact with a side glance, Chihiro instantly regretted approaching.

Animosity. Loathing. It was hard to properly describe the hatred in the second-year's cold teal glare. Her eyes were a bubbling cauldron of bitterness and resentment, and beneath it all, distrust and perhaps fear fueling sparks from a hot fire. She spoke with her profile facing Chihiro, her voice flat and edged with distaste.

"Listen up. Don't you dare," Izumi growled, "speak to me until you apologize to Aki-yan. I'll consider it then," Snarling, there was a heavy emphasis on the last part. "Satou."

Like blitzes of lightning, Izumi silently stormed away without another word. Chihiro's heart dropped. Ouch. Guess she wasn't talking to her anytime soon.

"Chihiro-san."

"Wha--!" The brown-haired girl jumped. Mai was right beside her, her russet eyes slightly concerned. She said, "May I speak with you?"

Chihiro left a quick glimpse at Izumi before looking back at the girl with moss-green hair. A train screeched to a stop - their train, in fact. "Is that... fine though?"

Mai simply nodded. "I need to. But… maybe step away from Izumi-senpai first."

The pair of first-years stepped aboard, purposefully staying away from wherever Izumi was. Soon the train started moving again as the scenery sped by beyond the windows. "U-Uh… so what's the matter?" Asked Chihiro rather stupidly.

"A lot, to be fair." Mai responded accordingly. "Specifically, I need to pass on a message from Sorae-senpai."

Eyes widening, Chihiro echoed. "From Sorae-chan? S-She'd ask you to...?"

"I suppose I was the only one she could talk to. You're the cause of all that last Friday, Izumi-senpai refuses to talk to, really, anyone, and Aki-san is yet to know about this." Mai glanced away with a finger twirling her forelocks. "Plus, we've had a conversation before."

Chihiro clutched the train handle overhead. "... What'd she say?"

"She told me a considerable amount about her thoughts on your whole speech. About how she felt it was twisted by yourself, to sound worse than it really was. You know, Sorae-senpai must trust you a lot to say all that, Chihiro-san." Mai turned and tilted her head, making the vocalist feel even more guilty. As she fidgeted uncomfortably, Mai went on.

"She knows you feel bad about it. She doesn't blame you, even if Izumi-senpai does. She'd just like to know why you made it sound so bad."

Chihiro blinked. "I didn't though. I showed everything as it was, didn't I? I'm as bad as I made it sound, I'm sure."

"Exactly." The two stumbling a bit with the train's rocking, Mai continued. "You blame yourself, don't you? That means you recognize what's wrong. You aren't as bad as you think, Chihiro-san. I can tell just as well as Sorae-senpai."

In reply, Chihiro shook her head. "No, no, I am bad! I couldn't just lie and sugarcoat it."

"So you wanted to tell the truth, which means you wanted to be sincere about it. So you're not that bad."

"But I am! I planned to do all that to you guys!"

"But you can tell it was wrong and you feel bad."

"H-How do you know I'm not just baiting sympathy here?" Chihiro challenged her.

"If you are, you wouldn't have mentioned it." Mai stared right back confidently. "And why are you so intent on proving yourself as a bad person, anyways?"

"Eh?" After the brief back-and-forth, Chihiro suddenly blanked. This was bizarrely familiar. Maybe of a certain girl that was set on proving herself a good-but-bad person, a certain Aki Hoshime…

Wanting to change the past… Regretting her actions down to the motive. What was she feeling?

"So? Do you understand what I'm saying?" Mai asked.

"Kind of, but more so I'm just getting reminded of… nevermind. Mai-san, you wouldn't know about it." As she spoke, Chihiro's voice gradually sank to a secretive whisper. Left in confusion, Mai only trailed off the exchange.

Then the guitarist focused on Chihiro once again. "Right. Sorae-senpai wanted to say something else, as well."

"If she had so much to say, why not tell me in person…?" Chihiro muttered to nobody. Mai replied, "Too intimidated, I would imagine. And I don't mind. But we're getting off-track."

Chihiro joked under her breath, their current mode of transportation in mind, "Geez, I hope not."

There was a pause.

Mai ignored the remark with a blink. "Anyways, this regards our band as a whole. Sorae-senpai wanted to say that she cares very much for this band, which doesn't come as a surprise, though she described it as 'more than she ever cared for drawing'." The girl paused for a breath. "A bit of a big claim, I'd say."

"Hasn't Sorae-chan drawn for like, her entire life?" Chihiro had an eyebrow raised in perplexion. "She even said she might consider a job with it."

"That's a big claim, too." Mai commented. "Her point is, she really doesn't want to see our band break apart. Sorae-senpai apparently never had many friends before this, so she values us quite an amount.

… Although she had gotten herself to act in the midst of a conflict once before, when I'd initially provoked her… that was a matter between her and I. Sorae-senpai, as much as she wants to force herself to intervene this time as well, is struggling to do it since this isn't really her battle."

Mai turned a blank stare onto nothing for a second, as if trying to recite the second-year's words. "She's… disappointed in herself now. Dare I say, scared. She thought she got over her tendency to not do anything in the face of challenge, but she couldn't even bring herself to talk to you directly at school. I don't blame Sorae-senpai for this. I think she has done what she can. Now, she asks me to deliver you what she deemed the most important message, in her place. And that is what I'll do.

Chihiro-san, she wants you to apologize to Aki-san. She wants you to fix what's been broken, to do what she can't."

The air had a distinct taste.

Letting out a sigh, Chihiro stared at her shoes. "So she wants me to apologize too..." She glanced at Mai. "And what about you? Mai-san, you've just been passing down messages from Sorae-chan. What do you think about all this?"

The train stopped as they reached the first station. People got up and took their leave.

"Me? I believe you should do the same. You can't just exclude Aki-san from this conversation, not when she's as much a part of our band as us. And it could be considered naive, but I connect with Sorae-senpai's sentiment of this band's importance. I think it's in everyone's interest to keep it alive - For me, it's because of what I've gathered so far."

"Uh-- and what DID you gather?"

Mai faced the train's window, the other side of the station visible as they resumed movement. "I don't know."

Silence. "... Hah?" Chihiro stared, confused.

"It's just as it sounds, I don't know what I'm supposed to have learned so far."

"You totally made it sound like you did though."

"I know. But I'm only talking about learning the evidence to whatever my moral is, not the actual moral itself." The guitarist glanced away. "Whatever I'm meant to learn here, I'm not getting it. Because I'm just a stupid, good-for-nothing…" Under her breath, she "criticized".

With no context as to what was happening, Chihiro continued staring. "O-Okay, what??" It seemed the conversation topic had shifted from herself to Mai. "Uhh, how do you even know what your 'moral' is supposed to be," she did air quotes, "if you have no idea what you're learning?"

Mai turned to face the brown-haired vocalist contemplatively. "... Well, each story has a theme. Sometimes, it presents itself as a moral. I can tell from what I have experienced - from my sister Fuyuna, from Sorae-senpai - that I'm supposed to be learning something, and yet I can't seem to grasp it at all."

A sigh was heaved before Mai continued, "The moral they try to show me… something about perfectionism, how critical I am, how hard I work… but those were the exact things I was praised for when I was young. I just don't know why they would try to undo them."

Chihiro tried her best to comprehend. "Maybe… you're overworking or something?"

"They would have called that 'hardworking' when I was a kid. I used to write stories and fake books, and my family and teachers would always praise me on how much I tried, and how well I did… Now Fuyuna and Sorae-senpai are calling it 'overexertion' or whatever vocabulary with negative connotations they'd like to use." Mai was staring out of the train window. "I don't know what they want from me. If I'm not the best, I'm the worst. I'm just making the best use of my time, am I not? Do they expect me to settle for incompetence?

... I just don't get why something I was previously rewarded for would suddenly turn bad now. Is this why I don't enjoy doing anything now that I'm older?"

Chihiro was quiet - She didn't know there was so much hidden behind the stoic guitarist. "H-Huh… by any chance, did you consider all this when you suggested our band name?"

"Yes," Mai nodded, "though it's ironic how I would suggest it when I barely comprehend it myself. It feels like… I'm staring into a cloud of fog. Like wading through water, but not knowing how waves come to be. Like I'm... trying to outrun myself."

'Pretty deep,' Chihiro commented silently, but that surely wasn't sophisticated enough of a thought to say aloud.

Neither of the two knew what to say next. Chihiro spoke hesitantly, "Hm… I think it's okay that you don't get it."

"Is it?" The guitarist stole a glance at the ground. "When I'm meant to be so 'thoughtful' and 'diligent', is it really okay that I don't get this?"

"I mean, for god's sake, it's your moral or whatever! If you rush that kind of thing, uh, you probably won't get the right answer." Wow, Chihiro actually impressed herself with that line.

Mai closed her eyes. "That's a good point, I suppose…" Then she suddenly directed her gaze at the other first-year. "Try saying that to yourself."

"Don't-talk-about-me-talk-about-you," A speedy retort.

Mai: "No."

Chihiro: "No."

Mai: "No."

"Stop," Chihiro said jokingly. She noticed that Mai began to smile after whatever that was, covering her mouth with her hand almost in a shy manner. So serious in the normal circumstance. For once, she was finally human.

It's not such a waste of time.

But with that Chihiro began to wonder, what WAS the difference between herself and others, at least, in her head? Why was it so easy to talk optimism to other people, fake statements or not, but so absurdly difficult trying to get herself to listen to even a single word of that happy-smiley-all-sunshiney stuff?

Even if she wanted to believe it… agh, who was she kidding? In what situation would anyone in their right mind say that crap to Chihiro and actually, truly, genuinely mean it? Not as if there was a positive statement out there that applied to her, in the first place. "Your friends love you!" Wrong. "You're amazing!" Wrong. "You're gonna reach what you've dreamed for!" Oho, could it be, a righ-- haha, psyche, WRONG.

"Reach what she'd dreamed for"… Chihiro caught a glimpse of the gloomy clouds and the first thing she recalled was her vow.

It was going to rain soon. Might as well make the most of it.

The two first-years stayed in silence after their exchange came to a close, before being broken by Chihiro. "Uhm, say… Mai-san, so you have experience with writing? Do you want to - uh, when we get there, that is - write lyrics for the band?"

Mai still had a gentle smile when she replied. "Thank you for the offer, but I refuse unless you apologize to Aki-san. You can't leave her out of this."

"A-Ah…" For a second Chihiro drooped with the reminder. However she recounted everything said prior - Mai's perfectionism and loss of direction, Sorae's lack of drive, Izumi's distrust, and Aki's pessimism. She had always accepted the things that happened to her so easily. What made her do something for once this time?

Rain falls into a puddle.

Chihiro didn't quite understand it, but she couldn't bear to see everybody's negatives stay negative when, maybe if they stuck together for just a while longer, the negatives would disappear.

"I'll do it," Chihiro promised, looking at the stretched-out gray skies beyond the glass, "I will tell Aki-yan."

Ripples.

The train halted, reaching the second station. As Mai prepared to exit the train, Chihiro followed at her heels. "Good," said Mai, satisfied. "Thank you for that."

They collect into a puddle. Things happen. Rain falls again. Things change. Things can't always be treated the same forever, can they?

Over the gap they stepped, and onto the station platform. With the true ending to their conversation, Chihiro finally snapped out of her trance when she realized her surroundings weren't familiar. "W-Wait, where am I?"

Mai was somehow perfectly calm. "Ah, you skipped your station."

"C-Crap… I usually just follow Izumin… How do I get back~?"

"Just get onto the other side of the station. Here, I can show you." Turning away, the forest-haired girl hid a smile as she led Chihiro off.

She panicked while following her, but an odd sense of peace washed over the brown-haired vocalist.

'It'll return back to normal,' Chihiro thought, 'I'll stitch the band back together somehow.'

Patter, patter.

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