Drogo Fatbelly's “Anthropological Guide to Cuisine”

Welcome my dear readers, welcome one and indeed welcome all. I am taking time away from my popular series on Spiced Rat Ratatouilles to bring to your attention and for your delectation some of the rich variety to be found in the cooking pots, pans and fire-pits of the many and varied races across our continent.

Some of you may be asking 'but how could any Halfling have deserted his hearth long enough to perform such a task, Drogo?’ In fact, I can hear the collective din of a thousand ladles dropped in unison at the very thought of my audacious endeavour. And in response, I can only repeat the words of Saint Belbin of the Paunch,

'If you can't take the heat, try simmering for longer on a lower temperature.'

### Humans (of the Eastern Kingdom)

The more civilised side of Humanity, characterised by chivalrous knights, damsels in need of rescue, and much heroic daring-do. They are pious beyond belief, and no fools with the arcane arts, but sadly tend to enjoy weak wines and stringy mutton.

They possess an arrogance and self belief which appears to be based on little more than their current numerical dominance of the continent, a result of somewhat enlightened breeding practises. Indeed, whenever you hear mention of a 'Half-Orc' or a 'Half-Elf', you can be sure that the other half will always be Human.

Make sure you play up to their egotism and they will be sure to treat you within their precepts of honour. I advise cooking their local meat in thin gravy, and boiling all green vegetables for several hours.

### Elves

Totally disdainful of other races, they are unwilling to acknowledge them as in any measure equal and barely interact with them at all except through the medium of their lackeys the Dark Elves. Whole tribes have already been enslaved by the Elven collective desire to conquer and dominate those races native to the North Island.

It is said that they come from a land to the South, which has never experienced Halfling cuisine, or any other benefits of Northern culture. It is no surprise, then, to find them preferring only the raw roots of Southern plants, unseasoned, plain and dreary.

Their stoic formality extends even to their soldiers' iron discipline in the field. Coupled with technological advances in metallurgy and their undisputed dominance in matters eldritch, they appear virtually unstoppable in their campaign to control the North Island.

If ever you hear even the merest hint of a suggestion that you should be required to cook for them, I advise abandoning your pots and running.

### Dwarves

It would be harsh to capture the nature of this hardy race of mountain folk entirely through their love of gold and other precious metals. Yet in truth I can find no other means of expressing their essential character. It is even said, for example, that they eat rocks in an attempt to save on grocery costs.

And this is not hard to believe. Not only is their physique exceptionally rugged, but they appear able to withstand the hardships of magic and all manner of supernatural evils with quiet fortitude. However, it is sad to see that a race with such love of metalworking is inherently clumsy. Wise cooks will not mention this though, no matter what mistakes are made by your local staff.

Do not be confused by the complete similarity of countenance between male and female Dwarves, for they are jealous and hold grudges for generations. It is generally best to avoid any kind of reference to gender. And best also to avoid any kind of reference to other races, in case there has been bad blood in a previous century or three.

In fact, for the sake of all Halflings, make sure your platters are both parsimonious and hot, lest you sour inter-species relationships for all time.

### Ariel

What could surpass the grace of these slender bird-men as they wheel through the sky in perfect formation, golden feathers catching the dying rays of a Stormhaven sunset? Other than a cheese fondue, of course.

In many matters they seem detached and distant. Conversation, even if it is concerning supper, often drifts along a gentle stream of consciousness, idle fancy intertwined with philosophical truism. Their relationships seem fickle, their friendships fey. And they have cultivated a vague rapport with Humans and Dwarves only to preserve their mountainous eyries from any encroaching signs of civilisation.

Apart from the obvious avoidance of fowl dishes, they are easy to please. Crimes of cookery such as half-risen pastry or grapes from Western facing slopes, in fact, will like as not merit no criticism at all.

As Saint Belbin said, 'At least the Dwarves care if their rocks are hot'.

### Lizardmen

Beware! In fact, be very ware! For consider these facts, my friends. A Lizardman is eight times your weight. The closest any Lizardman comes to interspecies relations is flaying their Orc jester. Lizardmen are always hungry. they are cold blooded, and thus get especially hungry when they are somewhere warm, such as, say, on a sunny beach....or in a kitchen.

I believe that they will eat anything, and their standard diet of fish and sharks is only the result of their having culled to extinction most of the other creatures on their island. Saint Belbin has long-been credited for having evacuated the island's entire Halfling population before these lizards could enact a terrible genocide, barely countering their starving violence with magic and prayer. And though recent research has illuminated Belbin's complete lack of arcane or religious understanding, still it is considered politic to regard the onset of Winter during the evacuation and its resulting affect on a coldblooded reptilian race as a happy coincidence.

If you are ever asked to cook for a Lizardman, you should climb into your pot and cook yourself. At least that way you will die a chef.

### Giants

Know this about Giants. They are called Giants because they are, well, giant. There is no civilised creature stronger on the continent, nor less magical. It would be cruel to describe them as dense, but I've seen rice puddings less thick.

Of course, if you are considering creating a meal for these folk, you should really be thinking bigger than a sack of rice. In the past I have had great success with cow-lollies.

### Halflings

What can I say about a race that knows its fricassee from its sauté? We avoid the toil and grind of physical exercise, specialising instead in the preparation of foodstuff and, it must be said, the liberation of poorly guarded valuables. And whilst I can't condone the unilateral repositioning of a person's goods, neither can I believe that any of my folk would perform such an act without the best of intentions. For who would deny the moral obligation of a hungry Halfling to share another's wealth, if it might allow the purchasing of pies?

We live in underground splendour, we smoke the finest weeds, and drink subtle blends of exotic herbs. We are as devoted to our deities as we are to our Epicurean delights, and we are rarely matched when it comes to blending the alchemical arts.

### Dark Elves

A sinuous and sinister sub-section of the Elven species, distinguished not so much by any physical trait as by their servile attitude. This is so engrained within their psyche that they can almost match us in the silence of their footfall, and their sorceress skill exceeds our own concoction of abilities.

What a history must lie hidden within the relationship between these fallen Elves and their masters! Who can guess when the first Elf was designated Dark. Did their behaviour predate the name, or vice versa? Do they accept their lot as second class citizens, or do they secretly yearn for a place in the sun?

They do not suffer from the Elves' race blindness, and will interact with the North Islanders, albeit for the most as slave masters or infiltrators. They are as cunning as a Baked Alaska Pudding, and greatly experienced in matters of the cloak and dagger.

If you must cook for a gathering of these subElves, I can only advise that you opt for bland flavourings. Not only will they hopefully tire of you and dismiss you from service, it will also give you a better chance of detecting any dangerous foreign substances they may have surreptitiously added to the repast.

### Humans (of the Western Kingdom)

Political expediency suggests that whilst you could argue that Western and Eastern Humans are one and the same, it would be a very silly Halfling who committed such a thought to paper.

The culinary differences between them, at least, are legion.

Westerners are fond of crispy yams and aromatic waterfowl, jellied frogspawn and subtle pates de foie gras. They drink rich diamond sherries and chilled blue rum. They chew Wendover tobacco and take Granger snuff.

But do not assume that any job with the Westerners will be easy. You will have to generate meal after meal of such nauseatingly nouvelle cuisine. Never think that you can affect them with the simple elegance a cheese sauce, or the earthly purity of a plain rye loaf.

Saint Belbin so aptly remarked, 'Kitsch in the kitchen'

### Orcs

Whilst I can show nothing but repugnance for these small and slimy cousins of the mightier Trolls, the subject of their diet is of some interest to the serious refectionist.

They live abject lives of service, both slave and livestock to their brutal masters. Their lives are thus brutish and short, and an Orc who is nine or even eight is considered ancient. They have no talents, no culture and very little language. So you will not be particularly surprised to hear that this degenerate species actually consumes the...how might one put it with a modicum of delicacy? Let us say that their repast is... predigested.

So imagine then the challenge in preparing a banquet for Trolls, which will also delight their Orcish servants the next day!

### Maratasen

Green eyes flashing with anger, claws sunk deep into the table, manes billowing, incisors grinding, not to mention the din of ceaseless roaring, these are all warning signs that your Marat patrons may be a little peckish. They are, without exception, highly strung perfectionists. Each believes that he or she is the finest example of the finest race in the North Island, and that any commentary otherwise is deserving of what I can only describe as, well, a tantrum.

Far be it from I, however, a lowly peon in the world of cooked comestibles, to cast aspersions on a race who think they can out cook a Halfling! But who do they think they are? It's all 'not bad for a Westerner', and 'you do well, considering'. I think we'd all be much inclined towards them if they only kept to what they're good at ~ fighting and getting stuck up trees.

### Trolls

It pains me to legitimise these beasts through the medium of my writing, but in the interests of fair and objective culinary journalism I will give them the benefit of the doubt.

Tall, warty, crude cannibals, they enjoy tormenting both one another and anyone or anything unfortunate enough to penetrate their narrow field of comprehension. The fine irony of it is that they consider themselves to be the greatest poets and bards in the world, though a child of three years could probably best them in a contest of wits. Their dietary rules are not complex ~ you can eat any produce as long as it fits in your mouth. Pet Orcs and even other trolls are fair game, though it is considered rude to eat members of your own family whilst they are still alive.

### Centaurs

Lords of the Northern prairies, half Man, half thoroughbred. Deadly accurate with the bow, devastating in a lance charge, strong as an ox, stubborn as a mule. Wild and proud, they live a life of unfettered freedom, servant to no master, loyal only to their own kind.

Strange, really, to think that such nobility is descended from an unfortunate liaison between...No, Belbin strike me down and thin my sauces, I am jesting. In fact, some of my best friends are Centaurs. However, the unusual union of Human and equine should be your guide in deciding what meal to prepare for them. Try to emphasise wheaty grasses, and don't ignore the possibilities of a sugar cube.

Well, my loyal mange-toots, we have come to the end of this epic voyage around the world. I hope that you found it of interest, and dare I even say inspiration? In my next column, I'll be looking at seventeen ways to serve a Dragon. So, if you think Red and Green should never be seen, be sure not to miss it.

May your belly grow fatter, your pot be always overflowing, and your brew be ever fresh.