Calgary Jailbirds

The Calgary Jailbirds are an "Original Six Teams" Farm Games Ice Hockey team.

The Calgary Jailbirds are, according to experts, the best team in the Farm Games. Founded in 1896, the team is best known for winning the Denley Cup every year - as well as numerous civil rights violations in the 1960s.

## **Known Civil Rights Disputes**

### 1941: Calgary Jailbirds v. Portland Patriots

Then-Captain of the Calgary Jailbirds Cornegie Sniff was banned from professional Farm Games hockey after hopping across the dividing glass to attack a group of small, Japanese children. The incident sent shockwaves across the hockey community, and the league moved promptly to ban the Japanese from attending hockey games, a policy that would only be reversed in 1996.

### 1943: Expulsion to German-Italian League

The Jailbirds were excommunicated for 2 and a half years when then-owner Biff Horn admitted to striking similarities between the teams famous ruff and tuff culture and the policies of the Third Reich. The team quietly moved to the small, derelict town of Shudendorf in east Germany and played professionally in Nazi-occupied countries across Europe. The Calgary Jailbirds current General Manager, Todd Loxton, has gone on record regarding this incident, describing it as a "big whoopsie" in the teams otherwise wholesome, multi-faceted history.

### 1945: Return to Farm Games and Portland Riots

Upon the Jailbirds return to the Farm Games at the end of World War II, the city of Portland was in an uproar, as the Jailbirds would sweep the Patriots in every matchup across their season. The Patriots demanded the permanent expulsion of the "most depraved major sports team in history". Luckily owner Biff Horn was able to file a discrimination charge against the Portland Patriots for their unequal treatment of Jailbirds players, nullifying the proposed expulsion and solidifying the Jailbirds as a permanent member of the Farm Games.

### 1946: Calgary Jailbirds v. Farm Games

After Jailbirds fans began arriving to games both home and away dressed as klansmen, the Farm Games took a legal stand against the team, demanding owner Biff Horn denounce any affiliation with the Ku Klux Klan or risk expulsion. Horn, begrudged, publicly denounced the Klan while sneakily crossing his fingers behind his back and giggling (*source - The Denley Tapes, 2004*).

### 1948: Calgary Jailbirds v. B. Simpson

An infamous example of Brown's struggle against racism and bigotry in the Farm Games. The Jailbirds repeatedly antagonized him, until the league eventually stepped in and told the Jailbirds to knock it off.

### 1963: Calgary Jailbirds v. The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

All record of the Jailbirds involvement in the plotting and eventual assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. has been erased by the Farm Games.

### 1964: Calgary Jailbirds v. Baltimore Butchers

The Baltimore Butchers, formerly the Miami Bikini Babes, famously raised hell in the Vype Birdcage when in 1964 they hit the ice wearing their fashion-landmark brown alternates. Jailbirds fans reacted with manic screaming and convulsions similiar to famous Farm Games announcer Doug Walker. To protect the Calgary public, the Bikini Babes were banned from wearing the brown alternates in the city ever again.

### 1967: Calgary Jailbirds Swimsuit Issue

The Jailbirds were under fire again when in 1967, a hotly anticipated swimsuit issue of the team featured pictures of the players assaulting beachgoers of colour. Luckily new-owner and publicity whiz Hard Gunderson was able to change public opinion by drafting only African-American prospects for years, creating the sports first all-minority team roster and traumatizing them irreversibly, resulting in numerous Denley cups.

### 1968: Calgary Jailbirds v. TIME Magazine

When Time Magazine named the Calgary Jailbirds the person of the year in 1968, their cover featured numerous images of the team in racially aggressive situations, resulting in a lawsuit against the magazine for defamation. Thanks to boy genius Hard Gunderson's legal intellect, the team was able to alter the cover to a picture of their favourite insanity wolf meme.

### 2020: Bill Peters

Upon hiring minor-league coach Bill Peters, who famously auditioned for the Farm Games by saying the N word, many veteran Jailbirds fans are suspecting the team is making a racist comeback. Fans are divided on the implications of his presence behind the bench, but are regardless anticipating a future of good, clean Jailbirds hockey.