SpongeBob Needs Help 2023 Edition

So, let me start this off by saying that I had no intention of ever telling anyone about this. I wanted to keep this secret the best that I could, but my friends... well they ordered me to start telling, as I can't keep something like this a secret or else the country's done for. My name is not important, but I can tell you that I am a big fan of SpongeBob SquarePants, though like most people I stopped watching after the first three seasons and the show became Squidward torture centre. I used to have the DVD's, but my father hated SpongeBob and he wanted me to watch serious programs like Grey's Anatomy, and he threatened to shit in the Christmas turkey one year if I didn't sell all of my SpongeBob boxsets, and so I did. Feeling very regretful for the decision, I decided to head to my local CEX to see if they had any DVDs for sale. CEX almost always has a huge selection of SpongeBob DVD's, and I felt like today would be no different. Sure enough, at the store, I came across a DVD entitled SpongeBob Needs Help. Hmm. I agree SpongeBob definitely needs help, especially if we're talking about post movie SpongeBob.

The cover was weird. It showed a picture of what appeared to be SpongeBob sitting on a therapy lounge chair while a man sits across from him. An actual man with bald head and glasses. He had glasses lowered to the point that they were touching the tip of his nose, and he looked like he was asking SpongeBob for a hypothesis. The back of the DVD was completely blank, and when I opened the case up the disc looked scratched and it had a poorly drawn of SpongeBob on it which looked like it had been etched on there with a stick of some kind. I paid for the item, and the cashier gave me a disgusted look probably noting that my jacket was three sizes too big for me as he remarked, "have a lovely day Sir." I left the store, but then I noticed that I had been given too much change for the item, and so I went back into the store, and gave the cashier the rest of the dosh. He rolled his eyes, and cruelly dismissed me again. I left the store, but during my exit I heard one of the co-worker's cashiers remark, "what an honest guy!" So as you can see, honesty is the best policy. I headed to my house, and chucked the DVD into my PlayStation 2. Some commercials for other SpongeBob DVD's were shown, but then a clip came on screen which featured a man in cooking overalls making himself dinner while mumbling things under his breath. The meal he was cooking looked really foul and like it had bugs in it. I wouldn't want him cooking me dinner any time soon. I got hungry after seeing this, and made a call to my local pizza shop asking for a pizza to be sent to my residence and not even two seconds had gone by, when a pizza fell from my ceiling as it was one of the infamous Birdseye Pizzas that fall from the sky. Watch out for them. The main menu then appeared and it looked really bad. It was a horrid looking picture of Patrick with sunglasses on which had been cropped in a weird way, and there was red text written on his head which read, "play episode." I clicked it, and sat back with contempt as the intro began to play.

I should have stopped the DVD as soon as the episode began, as instead of Painty The Pirate appearing on screen it was a man dressed in drag who proclaimed, "sup boys be ready for some real shit." I vomited very hardly. How could I not? Hearing the word shit be said on a show like SpongeBob SquarePants would be enough to make anyone vomit out their lunchables. The man dressed in drag ate from a bowl of Fruit Loops as he remarked, "that's pretty disgusting." The rest of the intro played only it was now done in the style of a rap which sounded like something that Snoop Dogg would have made. A man on my estate claims to be Snoop as he rides around on his recumbent bicycle claiming that the neighbourhood was the place he called home. I don't really like Snoop anyway ever since he murdered some dogs by giving them peanut butter just so he could advertise his cannabis soup. For shame! SpongeBob doesn't appear at the end of the intro to play his nose like a flute, and instead it cut to a clip of a man shaking his head. It was the same man who was cooking his dinner earlier. He probably didn't like what I had to say about his rancid looking dinner. In that case, he probably should have cooked something nicer looking then. The title SpongeBob Needs Help then appeared as big red text on a white background with the funky sax part of the song Careless Whisper playing in the background.

The episode started weirdly. SpongeBob was shown waking up from his sleep in his pineapple house, and in typical SpongeBob style he went on a big tangent about how he had a great day planned including flipping patties and going jellyfishing with Patrick. SpongeBob headed into his kitchen to feed Gary who was sitting on top of the kitchen table, only it wasn't Gary as we know him it was an actual snail that showed no reaction when SpongeBob poured some snail kelpo into his bowl. SpongeBob gave the snail a pat on the shell, but it seemed he didn't know his strength as he crushed the thing into a slimy carcass with his bare hand which was rather hairy I dare say. SpongeBob didn't notice as he proclaimed, "time to go say bye to Patrick!" SpongeBob left the house, and walked on over to Patrick's rock. The sky looked overcast and orange, and the flowers were all melted into thick paste. SpongeBob knocked on the front of the rock, but it wasn't Patrick who answered it. It was a heavy set gentlemen with a hat who puffed on a big cigar as he asked, "who the hell are you?" "Are you excited to go jellyfishing with me tonight Patrick?" SpongeBob asked, but he got no answer as the man puffed on the cigar and threw a discarded tissue at the sponge's smiling face. I was disgusted by the smoking, and I was going to make a complaint, but I knew that Nick would try and exploit my past as a serial smoker by sending a massive fish hook to get me and grab my face. The hook would drag me all the way to the tobacco stand in the park. Anyways, SpongeBob undeterred crawled his way towards the Krusty Krab in a very creepy way. The episode then did a wham shot to SpongeBob's bedside barrel where it showed that SpongeBob had a bottle of tablets on there which he had neglected to take. i could not believe that SpongeBob would need pills. However, I was currently getting over a bad stomach bug, and assumed I was just seeing things as I did consume a lot of cough medicine in the morning before heading into town. Sandy's Treedome was now a meth lab and two men in yellow hazmat suits were cooking up something that looked like a mix of chum and eyeballs. One of the men pointed at SpongeBob and sang, "do you wanna build a meth lab? Come on let's go and cook." SpongeBob laughed hysterically as he remarked, "good one Sandy!" The laugh sounded harsher and more crisp than normal.

At the Krusty Krab, Squidward was not there and there weren't many customers, the few that were there looked very angry with their eyes twitching like a twich. SpongeBob was then shown in the kitchen cooking up the patties, when he started to feel weird. His sponge body went from being yellow to bright red, but then it went back to yellow as he said, "I must have forgotten to take my meds. Silly me!" SpongeBob started making a real mess of the dinner service by just adding whatever he could to the Krabby Patties including his own shoes but grilled, and the gum from underneath the grill. Naturally, all of the customers left the restaurant in disgust over what had been done to their food, and of course this got ole Mr Krabs very angry. In a fit of rage, Krabs burst into the kitchen and yelled, "SpongeBob me boy! Where be me sweet dough?" SpongeBob's eyes became twisted and bulged like a barge, and he lunged towards Mr Krabs and proceeded to brutally beat him to death with his spatula. Mr Krabs begged for help, but no one came to aid him poor ole Krabs. "Hmm that's certainly shocking." I remarked as I shoved a slice of the creamy pizza into my mouth. I like that thin crust shit when it comes to my pizza, but the question is do you? SpongeBob appeared to have a fry cook co-worker in this episode named Glen Penn who was covered in flies, and he showed no reaction to Krabs' death because ole Krabby mocked Glen for the fact he uses underwear to wipe his mouth with after a big meal. Still, Penn fearing that SpongeBob would turn on him next decided to make a phone call to the Bikini Bottom Police Department. The cops burst into the restaurant, and arrested SpongeBob on the spot. A time card then came on screen which read, "Two Hours Later," only the French Narrator sounded incredibly weird. It clearly wasn't Tom Kenny who also plays SpongeBob FYI, and instead sounded like a real sinister Frenchman who started repeating himself as he kept saying, "you don't need to move it you don't need to move it you don't need to move it," in an overly serious tone of inflection.

An establishing shot of the Bikini Bottom House of Mental Health And Wellbeing was then shown, but I could still hear the French Narrator repeating himself in the background. I walked over to my ps2, and punched the top of it with my fists which thankfully resolved the issue at hand. SpongeBob was shown being placed into a big white room with walls that looked dirty and slimy to the touch. A therapist then walked into the room holding a small clipboard, and I recognised him immediately as the same therapist from the DVD cover. The man sat down on a chair in front of SpongeBob and he looked at his clipboard before tsk tsking as he then said, "so Nathan, I see that you haven't taken your meds again today." I nearly fainted from shock. Why would this bald headed doc be calling SpongeBob Nathan? That's not his name! At least I thought it wasn't, but that was when like a tip of a hat SpongeBob changed from being well SpongeBob into a man in his late 20's by my estimation wearing a thick yellow jumper and brown trousers. I looked at the therapist's name tag, and saw that his name was Gabe Daniels. Gabe rubbed the dust from his eyes as he sighed before saying, "Nathan, you need to stop doing this and start taking our sessions seriously. We've been through this several times already. You're not a sea sponge, there is no Krusty Krab, and you don't have a best friend named Patrick who is a pink starfish." Nathan lowered his face until his eyes faced the ground. Like the Cheshire Cat from Alice In Wonderland, Nathan proceeded to smile an incredibly creepy smile that showed off his rat like teeth and he looked up to Gabe as he asked in the careless whisper of a good friend, "wanna prove that doc?" Like SpongeBob did with Mr Krabs earlier in the episode, Nathan tried his best to lunge towards Gabe, but he was restrained by two employees of the facility. There were the two men that had appeared in the intro including the man who had been cooking his dinner as well as the man who had been dressed in drag who now wore sweats whatever that means. "Take him over there boys." Gabe ordered, as Nathan was taking to his room in the mental ward. Nathan was thrown into a bottom bunk by the man who cooked the dinner while Gabe prepared a needle which was going to give Nathan some much needed calming down for the day. The needle was the size of a double decker chocolate bar, and was filled with green fluid.

In a sad moment, Gabe rubbed the top of Nathan's smelly head as he held the needle up in the air like a sword as he said, "I'm afraid this is going to hurt son." He then plunged the needle directly into Nathan's neck which knocked him out instantly. I hugged my Brian The Robot action figure. I'm terrified of needles, I mean it I really am, but then again who isn't really? Even you are I'm sure of it. Don't try and deny it. Gabe ordered his two accomplices to get some towels or something, and the last shot of the episode was of Gabe squeezing Nathan's saw dust covered ear as he said, "welcome home Nathan." The entire room was covered in saw dust for reasons that I do not want to know. The episode ended with the credits as white text on a black background, but the audio wasn't right. It wasn't the normal credit music at all, and all I could hear was the sound of what appeared to be Sheldon J Plankton taking a shit. After he was done, Plankton asked, "have you seen my genius genius?" Plankton appeared on screen during that part, and he was twerking. I was disgusted, and I really hoped that as a relatively intelligent being Plankton wiped. A SICK post credit showed up once the credits were over, and it featured a farmer dancing in the middle of a field laughing because the sounds of thunder in the distance sounded like someone groaning after having a big ole poo, probably Plankton. That was when a man wearing a potato sack over his head and carrying a chainsaw appeared at the top of the field. The chainsaw wielding maniac chased Nathan through the field while screaming, "get off me property!" The farmer would have gotten away quite easily, but he got his foot trapped in a big ole rock formation as he remarked, "ox it's stuck."

My ps2 spat the disc out like it was a bad habit, but I put it back so I could watch it a second time in order to see if what I saw was really what I thought I saw The episode was exactly the same, the only difference being that the post credit scene now had the potato sack wearing man staring at the screen as he asked, "you no like me episode?" Horrified by what I had witnessed, I made an urgent distress email to Nickelodeon asking how they could do a thing like this. Nick responded just half an hour later with, "hi! Sorry we scared you friend, you see the episode you just witnessed was actually intended to be a possible series finale for SpongeBob SquarePants in case the show was not renewed for a 13th season. No one at Nick particularly cared for the dark tone of the episode, and Viacom ordered us to scrap it. Someone here must have had other ideas, and decided they were going to put into a DVD for an unsuspecting member of the public such as yourself to view. Sorry, you got scared. As for the farmer and the chainsaw man and the live action bits? I don't know. Ask Wendell. Please don't go public with what you saw on the DVD, as we don't have much of a reputation anymore, and what little we do have we don't want taken away from us by the likes of a big eared idiot like you. Thank you for taking time to read this. Lots of love Nickolodeon staff/interns. Ps; we love you. Pps; we don't know why we said we love you we don't love you." I hated Nickolodeon, and so I decided to ignore their warnings by calling the police to ask for their assistance in the matter. I assumed when the Nick exec asked for me to refer to Wendell, he was referring to Wendell from the hit show Wendell And Vinnie which is so bad it gave me ear ache of the worst calibre. I have very huge ears which means that earache lasts far longer for me than it does for anyone else.

I called 999, and the police arrived at my door just a few hours later. A big fat policeman stood at the front of the porch, and introduced himself as Assistant Commissioner Rabe Maniels. I couldn't be too sure, but this Rabe Maniels fella looked an awful lot like the therapist from the episode. Maniels' fellow officers made their way inside the house, and I sat down in the living room with the head officer Mike Stubbles getting ready to take my statement. He looked very pleased when he saw his boss Rabe Maniels entering the living room with his incredibly bulky overcoat in hand. "I'm not in any trouble am I?" I asked as I sat my ass down on the sofa. Maniels placed his overcoat onto the coffee table as he said, "well all I can say is that your DVD could be useful in a possible lawsuit against Nickolodeon. We'll need to know how you found it, and if you need help in hiring an attorney if you do indeed wish to press charges against Nick." Maniels sat down on the chair across from the sofa, and let out a massive fart inadvertently from the sound of things as like some kind of Vito Corleone he let out a massive, "ah!" The fart was so loud it made the ground shake, and for most of the cups in my kitchen to fall onto the ground, and for the poster in my bathroom to fall off from the wall. It was a picture of a fat smiley sailor drinking a beer and it read, "The Bay's Best Beer." That fat bastard officer was going to be helping me put that poster back up when this was all over, I hope he realises that. Rabe Maniels smiled nervously clearly embarrassed by his letting out of anxious gas as he turned to the officer still in the room with him and ordered them to leave with, "right; off you go then. I need to talk to this young man on my own, thank you." Maniels grimaced as he let out a squeezy fart as his fellow officers did as they were told, and left the house. On Maniels' instructions, I once again put the DVD back into the ps2, and showed him the entirety of SpongeBob Needs Help. To my surprise, he didn't seem fazed at all by what was happening on screen, and looked rather pleased about it. He really did look like the therapist from the episode, but it couldn't be. After watching the episode, Maniels asked me a couple of questions regarding where I got the DVD from, and whether I had told anyone else about it. I answered them with great applaud, as I got up from the sofa and asked if the officer wanted a cup of hot sweet tea. "That would be grand. Two sugars, hold the milk." Maniels said rather arrogantly for an officer of his calibre as I made my way into the kitchen to start making the teas.

In the kitchen, I put the kettle on as I heard Maniels getting up from his chair following another large fart albeit slightly less loud than the earth shattering one from when he first entered my humble abode. He really needs to see a bowel specialist, but in any case Maniels walked on over to the kitchen and said, "this DVD worries me you know? Typically, these are the kind of things that people make up just to get attention, from the footage you've shown me by all accounts it's clearly genuine in it's craft." Maniels looked through the hatch that gave a sneaky peak view into my kitchen as he continued his little speech with, "you see; this DVD is classified as trouble which means that anyone associated with it's creation is also trouble. And that's my job; eliminating trouble." I was about to say something about getting an attorney, but was when I felt Rabe's big meaty hand being placed over my mouth which smelt like chicken tika masala. I turned to face Rabe, and I gasped in fear and shock as I realised that I had been right all along. He was the therapist from the episode. Rabe made his grip on my mouth so tight that my face became purple as I managed to muffle, "I just wanted answers!" "Answers you shall have my friend. You only have yourself to blame. We did tell you in our email not to go public about what you saw." I tried to break free like a boiled egg who sings Queen, but Maniels was far too strong for me. "You're losing your strength Mr Williams." Maniels laughed as I said what I thought to be my final words, "you're still a yapping dog Mr Maniels." Just as I thought I was going to die, I heard the backdoor into my house swing open as Rabe's fellow officers came into view. "What's the point of having a pool in the backyard without any water." Mike Stubbles remarked as he entered the kitchen. He and the fellow officers were holding donuts and coffee, and they didn't see Maniels right there suggesting they may have poor eyesight. A dangerous pastime, I know. "Sup Rabe, you forgot your dough...oh sugar honey ice tea!" Stubbles cried at the top of his lungs as he made a horrifying scream as he held his face in his hands mimicking the famous scream painting which caused the tea and donuts he had been holding to get all over the beautiful tiled kitchen floor. Maniels let me go, and he ran out from the house into the early evening view. I looked on over to Stubbles and his fellow officers. Stubbles rubbed the back of his head as he asked rhetorically, "was it something I said?"

I explained what had happened to Stubbles and the other two officers, and I showed them the DVD. Stubbles placed the DVD into a small plastic baggie, and claimed that he was taking it to Technical Services first thing in the morning, and that as soon as they got back to the police station he and his officers were going to be telling Commissioner Asquith all about what had happened with Rabe. Sadly, that didn't happen, as just a few days after this incident, Stubbles and the other two officers were found dead in the swamplands, and the SpongeBob Needs Help DVD was not found on Stubbles' person during the autopsy. I was questioned by the police about Rabe Maniels' visit, but they laughed it off when I talked about what had happened. Commissioner Asquith was very condescending during the interrogation as he patted the top of my scaley head as like some kind of Donald Duck he said, "you were probably dreaming. The silliest and softest of dreams." Asquith then asked his secretary Wendy to arrange a lift for me to be picked up from the police station, and I asked the lieutenant interrogating me if he had seen any trace of a DVD entitled SpongeBob Needs Help. "Son, we didn't find any DVD." The lieutenant responded. "Then it's still out there." I muttered as I brought outside of the police station, and I was ushered into an unmarked car that was being driven by Sam and Max the best cops on the entire force according to Asquith. Most officers on the force distrusted Sam and Max for their violent acts and their chillax attitudes towards the justice system, and as such Asquith was the only to ever deal with the pair directly, even then he gave orders to them only via phone or carrier pigeon whenever the phonelines were down which happened pretty regularly as a result of a hole in the satellite picture.

Back at my house, I asked if Sam and Max had any big cases going on at the moment. Sam leaned back in his driver's seat as he said, "well nothing yet, but give us time it's early yet." "Did you have something in mind?" Max asked, and I smirked as I said rather sinisterly, "yeah I may have something." I told Sam and Max about the DVD, and unlike the rest of the police department they chose to believe me, and they promised to look into it. "Thank you so much!" I proclaimed happily as I made my way out from the vehicle, and I walked on up to my house trying not to be seen by the person standing behind the door one Eggplant Edwardson by name who was trying to sell me a vacuum cleaner from the look of things. Sadly, Edwardson saw me immediately and asked, "would you like to buy..." "How about no!" I yelled with rage, as I falcon punched Eggplant Edwardson which sent him flying all the way up to Big Ben, and he ended up getting stuck on the arms of the mighty clocktower as he had a nightmare where he realised his feitsh for 1980's style computer and relationship with Colin The Computer was the reason behind Grasshopper Gregory's sudden dismissiveness towards him, but I digress. I spent the next few months searching online for information about the episode, and what little did I find was an incredibly dodgy website where a man stood way too close to the screen as he asked if this had happened to anyone else, as he claimed to have gotten a horrid episode of Little Einsteins which featured Rocket crashing into a radio transmitter in Ontario, Canada. The man lived in Ontario, and feared that whoever made the DVD was sending him a message. Along the way, I heard tell of a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse lost episode entitled Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but the person who saw the episode was said to have mysteriously vanished. A man named Oliver Charles claimed to have seen the man being led into a black car by a man in a police uniform, and he reported it to the police, and a lone officer was spotted entering and leaving Charles' home in the early hours of the morning. When Charles was asked by a local detective squad about what had gone down he now seemed oddly unmoved and confused by what was being asked, almost as if he had no recollection of anything that had happened prior to the officer visiting his home, if he was even a cop.

I learned via the use of several dodgy sites, and bribed officers that Rabe Maniels was something of a lost media legend. He had his own gang of hardened criminals that were loyal to him. Then came December, that was when they arrived at my house. My new found friends Lazarus Marmite, Sam and Max, and so many others. That was when all of my problems really began as I heard my front door being punched in by an aggressive set of hands presumably Max's. I brushed my teeth which took ages since it had been ages since I'm quite the gross guy all things considered, and I went on over the door and grabbed it by the thick throbbing golden handle and gulped a sick gulp as I got ready to answer some questions.