Paul

### Date of death

unless he loses 100+ pounds and changes his diet, Paul might not make it to even 50

## Physical description

### Weight

remember the boulder scene in the beginning of Indiana Jones and the raiders of the lost ark? that was actually a young Paul with makeup. estimates as high as 200 tons have been claimed.

### Eye color

you think i know this shit?

Paul Parkey( probably spelled wrong) also known at Salty Paul, minister of salt, round as a ball Paul, the salt man, uncle salty, salt lick, seasalt, a fat tub of salty shit, an incredibly fat tub of salty shit, a extremely and undeniably fat tub of salty shit, the fattest and saltiest tub of shit in existence, the salt king, homeless looking guy, pool, fatterton, white guilt Paul and peaches by his mother.

## Biography

Paul was born and raised in the small town of Madera California( a fact that he will bring up constantly as if it makes him a better person or some shit) the town actually has a population of 64,000 people so I would hardly call it small or remote as Paul has claimed it is on numerous occasions. Paul's father was a drunken bastard whose dream was to work at a car wash. sadly that dream never happened and he spend his days picking up trash on the highway and recycling it for cash. Pauls mother was a sweet women who cared for him deeply but had to whore herself out to every guy in town in order to help make ends meet. pauls mother breast fed him daily until he was 26 years old. when Paul was 9 years old his father( who was also a fat, salty slob) died from three massive heart attacks, a kidney stone the size of Brett keanes shit and a mini stroke which all happened within a week. He was devastated from the loss and used food as comfort which led to his massive weight gain of over 500 pounds. Naturally, Pauls mother could not afford to buy him that much food on her own. Paul resorted to eating out of the garbage behind the local Dennys restaurant to satisfy his cravings. The restaurant is known for its very salty food which is still a staple of Pauls diet and explains why he is a salty piece of moronic elephant shit covered in salt and more shit. growing up, Paul had a small group of strange friends who he "claims" he smoked and drank with. odds are Pauls mom was his only friend. Paul probably graduated highschool and started working full time or went to college but dropped out. during this time in the mid 1990s Pual co founded the band "apple nasty" with his friends that put of some awesome experimental/alternative/90s/ whatever you wanna call it rockish music.Paul latter created more music" burn the couch" with an alcoholic friend of his whose name I honesty forget, also great music.If Paul had vinyl records made of his early music with cool cover art, and possibly a poster, I would definitely buy it without question. Paul worked for Starbucks for like 7 years and then somehow( with little IT experience and no college degree got a job as an IT person for some school district in Texas for like another 5-7 years. After befriending TJ and fucking him in the ass with a banana strapon, Paul became a reoccurring guest on the DP podcast. Latter when paul became a permanent member around like episode 200, he quit his day job to focus on DP. Eventually Paul left the hellhole known as Texas and moved to Seattle with the rest of the peasants. In August of 2017, Paul, along with TJ, Scotty and their sexual lovers moved to Louisiana claiming "its cheaper down there". we all know its because TJ has a reptile fetish and wants to fuck an alligator like he did in his youth.