The Journey So Far/Chapter 6: Year of Recovery (2015)

Here we are, halfway through my crazy journey so far. When I think of 2015, it was a mixed bag. Half of it was great, the other half not so much. To start, before the year began, I knew I had to finish the last year with some positivity. I had to. The first thing I did was to tell myself that my ex was gone and has moved on. There was no going back. I took responsibility for what I did, and needed to change some things in my life. One of the changes I needed to make was to go back to school. I still wanted to do game design even after all these years. So, I needed to get some education to help me in that regard. I decided to go to a place called Aims Community College. Here, they had a great certificate program called Game Art and Design. It was small, but something to get me started. Unfortunately, Aims didn't last long as the school pretty much screwed me over by removing the one class I was most looking forward to. The *"Game Art Design"* class in the *"Game Art Design"* degree, was taken out literally after me taking about three classes. With that, I withdrew because I knew this school was ripping me off.

As that was going, I also looked at the one thing that kept me feeling shame. My enormous Godzilla merchandise collection. I knew that this was a rooted problem in my mentality, so it was time to clean the house. In terms of my YouTube channel, I did continue it because it was making a small amount of money on the side and it was nice to still have people to talk to. I only slowed things down and tried to not get so obsessed with it. Relating to that, the collection needed to be downsized. I told myself that I'd keep the expensive and, well, *"collector"* items. The items I would sell would be more ridiculous and random. For example, I was so addicted that I bought a Godzilla-themed party set with paper plates, cups, silverware, and all that. Yea, it was that bad. Things like that needed to go. Luckily it was like God had this all planned, and my father had a co-worker who had a little son who was having a birthday. So, I told him I was selling all this stuff and he could take it. The mom bought pretty much all of it. In one instant, my collection began the slow process of decluttering. It honestly felt good. It felt as it a weight was beginning to lift. I still would collect for the next coming years.

With those out of the way, I needed to do one thing that would change my life for the best. I needed to move out of my parents' house. It was time to grow up and get out in the real world by myself. Sadly, YouTube money can't afford rent. It was time to get a new job. I searched and searched and finally landed a humble job at Home Depot. Extravagant, right? It was a good choice. It was stable, had good hours, and kept me busy. Knowing me, I can be dangerous when I'm bored. I remember getting the job in October of 2014. I worked hard and at the start of 2015, I saved up enough to get myself my apartment. Moving out on my own was scary for me the first time, though it was the best thing I could do for myself.

I began to turn around my life and my habits to try and get to be healthier and happier. I had my apartment, a good job, was getting control of my addiction, and I was re-connecting with my hometown friends to sweeten the new life. I'd like to say that the story ends here. I got over my issues and lived a long happy life. Well, no. As I said before, the first half of 2015 was great, but what about this second half?

As everything was going great, I still had episodes of depression. They wouldn't last long, but memories of the past year would still haunt me from time to time. I still felt like I needed closure on something. That was with my ex. At this point, I had not seen her for more than a year. I had this feeling and was compelled to write her a letter. This letter was not meant as a *"take me back, I'm better"* kind of letter. In the letter, I wrote to her explaining that I apologized for who I was and forgave her for not sticking with me during a hard time. You must remember, we loved each other and no matter how bad something gets, if she was the one, she would stay and fight for you. I told her in the letter that I wanted to wish her the best in life and to give closure on our time together. I wrote it and sent it to her. I thought that was it and I felt great about it. Another weight seemed to have lifted. Not even two weeks later, I got a text message from her. She said she got the letter and was touched. She wanted to talk and see if maybe we can start over. The feelings I felt reading this text were indescribable. I was happy, confused, anxious, and optimistic. I thought that this could be my second chance. A chance to make things right.

I agreed to meet up with her and chat. The day came and we both met up. I felt like I was dreaming. There was no way this was really happening. We talked and talked and told each other about our time apart and how it changed us. I was happy at this moment. I felt confident. I told her about my life changes, and I was excited to show her my new apartment. I showed her my apartment and she was impressed. We discussed *"us"* more and came to a decision to try again, but something was different this time. We never fully confirmed we were *"exclusive",* or at least she didn't. I went in thinking we were right back to where we left off. When news hit my friends and family, they were skeptical. The breakup took a major toll on me and they said to be careful opening my heart again.I knew they were worried for me, but I was too happy to care. Days and weeks went by and we seemed like a couple again.

I still worked on my YouTube channel and she knew it. Still, something didn't feel totally right. We didn't mention our relationship much to people. It seemed like she wasn't fully proud of the relationship. If only I knew what was going on behind the scenes back then. Life was feeling good once again. I had my apartment, a good job, my channel is still relative, and I got my girl back. It wouldn't last long. A few months into our reuniting, I got a text from her one night. Long story short, she said the relationship wasn't going to work. She said that it was too hard and too awkward. It was happening again. My heart was sinking. I could not believe that I was reliving my nightmare. The only difference this time was, I didn't know if it was me or her. Turns out, she was dating another guy behind the scenes. This was why we never felt official. I still felt betrayed. The worst part was hearing her say, *"I don't love you anymore and there is another guy".* I would not know the true answer to why she did this to me for two more years.

I finished out the year slowly creeping back into my depression. All the progress I made and the success I felt, just instantly vanished. I soon was going back into my mind and thinking, *"Was it the channel? Am I still too addicted? Was she ashamed of me? Why God why?"* I held tight to optimism as best I could. As the year was ending, the lease to my apartment was ending and I needed to find a new place as the new agreement would have been too expensive for me to live there anymore. Luckily, two of my co-workers were looking for a roommate. I didn't want to move back home with my parents, so I agreed to move in with them. This would be a major shift in my life as I never had roommates before. I said goodbye to the last year and had this empty feeling yet again. How could I bounce back? What was holding me back? I would soon find that answer out in the coming year.

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