The Frog Prince Review

**Bob:** Hello again. You know... as an internet reviewer, there is little in this world that is more satisfying to me than seeing people actually taking my critiques and criticisms to heart; like when I said that "Chop Kick Panda" isn't really all that bad of a movie for being a cheap knockoff, it seems that Video Brinquedo agrees with me. And as such, they've combined forces with Gaiam Americas to bring us...

*He holds up a DVD, which consists of "Chop Kick Panda" and three other mockbusters.*

**Bob:** Chop Kick Panda... and Friends. \*voiceover\* I am not even kidding here. It's not enough to simply try to sell three of their own movies in a neat little bargain pack, they have to have a movie from a completely different company to play the headliner. And while I do still think that "Chop Kick Panda" is pretty good as far as cheap knockoffs go, it shouldn't be the movie you want to latch on to in order to boost sales. I don't think you're going to find too many retailers running out of "Chop Kick Panda" DVDs, right?

*Now, we cut to the main feature: Video Brinquedo's "The Frog Prince".*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* First up on our roster of Brinquedian bottom-feeders is "The Frog Prince". And because sucking at 3D CGI was getting kind of stale, now we get to see these animators suck at doing Flash.

**Bob:** \*sarcastic\* Wow, these guys are really broadening their horizons, aren't they? I wonder what kind of animation they're going to suck at next?

A *fake trailer for Video Brinquedo's non-existent ripoff of "The LEGO Movie" is briefly seen, featuring the characters moving erratically about the Cloud Cuckoo Land set. After that, we see a brief clip from "Chop Kick Panda".*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Coming soon to DVD, "The LEGEGO Movie"! \*singing\* Everything is awful... \*normal\* I remind you, this movie is sharing the same DVD as "Chop Kick Panda", which boasts flash animation that isn't brilliant, but at least it's decent. I don't see how it's a good idea to remind your audience that they could be watching something that's easier on the eyes. Anyway, our movie opens with Princess Iria, who seems to be very hard to impress.

**Princess Iria:** Wow, what a beautiful shell, but there's nothing really special about it.

**Bob:** \*as Princess Iria\* This shell is so not-special that it compels me to say "Wow" in regards to its beauty. \*beat, normal voice\* Wait, what? \*voiceover\* Her father, King Dongo- try to find an innuendo with that name- is upset by how Iria keeps turning down every eligible bachelor who comes a-courtin'.

**King Dongo:** Why did you turn away Prince Zumbo? He's the fifth eligible bachelor you've turned down this month!

**Princess Iria:** At best, he was normal looking and not different from the others. If I'm gonna marry someone, he's got to be a genuine prince charming!

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* And according to this wacky, made-up country's laws, if she doesn't marry within the month, she's going to lose her inheritance. That's right, miss, your own financial future is on the line and your country may be in danger of falling into political unrest, but that's fine, you look for seashells. She goes back to her poorly-drawn bedroom later that night, where she talks to a disembodied voice calling itself the "spirit of nature".

**Male Voice:** I was merely assigned a mission to give an oracle to Princess Iria!

**Princess Iria:** You don't say! And pray tell, what might that oracle be?

**Male Voice:** In the morning, when you leave your house, you must marry the very first creature you encounter that talks to you!

**Princess Iria:** That's the silliest thing I've ever heard! But if that's the way it is, then... that's the way it is.

**Bob:** The first animated black princess since Disney's Tiana, and she's a complete moron. How progressive.

*Cut to a scene from Disney's "The Princess and the Frog".*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Speaking of Princess Tiana, it didn't take a whole lot of convincing for her to believe that this frog talking to her was actually a prince put under a magic spell. I mean hey, it's a talking frog. I believe it. In *this* movie, it turns out that the spirit of nature is actually the titular frog prince himself, so why doesn't he just *say* that he's actually a prince? Anyway, she tells her father about what she was told last night, which she actually seems rather pleased about.

**King Dongo:** There is a prince named Zangwedu, whom I have learned is coming here because he seeks to marry you!

**Princess Iria:** Zag-we-du? What kind of crazy name is that?

**Bob:** Eh, it could be worse. If his name has any weird punctuation in it, at least it's silent. I'm sorry, but this is not how you spell Ladasha!

*"La-A" appears on the screen.*

**Princess Iria:** Without even knowing this "Zin-gween-dun" guy, it sounds like you're saying I have to marry him!

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* By the way, if you can hear past the insufferable dialogue, take a listen to the music.

*Wacky stock music is played over the film's dialogue.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Can't you just *feel* the drama that Iria has to deal with here?

**Bob:** Sheesh, what kind of music do you think these guys would use if they had to deal with a death scene?

*More inappropriate stock music is played over Ray's death in Disney's The Princess and the Frog".*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* She finally meets the frog who's been posing as the spirit of nature, and again, he *doesn't* tell her that he's really a prince, and she tells the frog of her own troubles.

**Princess Iria:** I'm constantly being pushed into various marriage proposals! Each time someone comes to court me, I feel like I'm being lied to by greedy men!

**Frog:** They're all greedy men?

**Princess Iria:** They're all just a bunch of boring, greedy, ordinary men!

**Bob:** Well, I gotta give the movie this much, it certainly knows how to paint its protagonist as a real brat.

**Princess iria:** They're all a bunch of shallow fools! I think, today, people care too much about appearances. \*in an earlier scene\* I just didn't like him, and besides, he was very unattractive. At best, he was normal looking and not different from the others.

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Bratty *and* hypocritically self-righteous. Because it's completely fine for *you* to judge people based on *their* appearances, right? Before she meets this new prince, who apparently knows a really good hair stylist despite living in a society where they still wear animal skins, the frog tells her to plug her ears to save her from having to marry him... Yeah, I guess the whole "marrying the first person who talks to you" rule only works if you actually *acknowledge* that they're talking to you.

**Bob:** Wait, why am I trying to figure out how these rules work? The frog's just **lying** to her about it! \*voiceover\* Seriously, why is this taking place? Why is the frog putting Iria through even more misery when she would simply have to suffer through a single second of humiliation by kissing a frog? This frog is just downright sadistic, man. Anyway, the prince makes an honest effort to get to know Iria as a person. You know, just like she *wanted*? But because she can't hear him, he's just wasting his time.

**Prince Zangwedu:** I mean, do you have any hobbies? Do you spend time with a specific object of study? What do people in your kingdom like to do when they're not working?

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* It doesn't take long for Iria's silent treatment to finally piss him off, and he, very rightfully so, ditches her ass.

**Bob:** They guy who actually wants to get to know the princess before he marries her, and he's not willing to sacrifice his dignity just so that he can get some booty. \*waving\* Say goodbye to the only likeable character in this entire movie, people. \*voiceover\* She goes back to the frog and thanks him for keeping her from marrying a very probable Mr. Right.

**Princess Iria:** Thanks to you, I got rid of this wannabe husband. How can I ever properly thank you?

**Frog:** Well, now, how about a nice, little kiss for me, my dear?

**Princess Iria:** \*laughing\* That's a good one! Give you a kiss? Me kissing a frog? Imagine that, a kiss? Good one! You're funny! Imagine that?

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Wow, is she a bitch. The frog argues with her about her obvious hypocrisy, but she still refuses to kiss the frog and admit that she's wrong. Later that night...

**Princess Iria:** Oh, why does it have to be like this? I never would've expected my marriage to be based solely on law and tradition. I want a fiancé who I can talk with as a friend, one who appreciates me for who and what I am.

**Bob:** And what exactly about you *should* they be appreciating exactly? \*beat\* Yeah, thought so. \*voiceover\* The frog talks to her again as the spirit of nature, and **again**, she's still adamant about not kissing the horrid, disgusting, little frog despite her claims that she *isn't* concerned with how it would look. You know what, frog? Just hop on over to some other kingdom to find another princess. It might take a few days, but how many times do you need to be turned down before you realize that this brat is a lost cause? Oh, and if you're still endowed over how hopeless she is, look at how she reacts to her father telling her that she has to marry the prime minister.

**Princess Iria:** Are you kidding? You mean that short, dumpy old man? He is a boring, clumsy old man who has **horribly** bad breath! Other than that, he's quite a treat.

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Oh, yeah. This girl is redefining the word "cray-cray" every hour on the hour. She wants a prince charming, and she dumps several. She's insistent on good looks, but despite this prime minister's bad looks, he's quite a treat.

**Bob:** And now all I can do is breathe a sigh of relief from the last prince who dumped her. Seriously, dude, *bullet dodged.* \*voiceover\* So she cries about how horrible her situation is...

**Bob:** \*flatly\* and I'm crying right along with her because I feel so sorry for her... \*voiceover, normal\* And then she meets the prime minister, who it seems is a cranky, chauvinistic douche.

**Prime Minister:** \*in an earlier scene\* Your woman must know her way around a kitchen! Women should know how to cook and clean! That's the way the world works! I keep my women on a short leash!

**King Dongo:** I brought the prime minister to meet you!

**Prime Minister:** Is that all of her? Whoa! She's so skinny, I can see her bones! I like bigger women! Get up and, uh... go fetch me some cold juice! Go on, girl! And while you're at it, go and fetch a needle and thread! I also need you to fix my coat!

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* I'm sure that the movie wants us to hate this guy, but all I can say at this point is, "Serves you right, biatch." And why does he not recognize her if she's already familiar with him, so that she refers to him as "quite a treat"? Why would you think that *this* guy is a treat in the first place? Anyway, she confesses to her talking to the frog outside the palace earlier, which means she has to marry the frog now.

*Cut to a brief clip from "Mystery Science Theater 3000" episode 819, "Invasion of the Neptune Men".*

**Crow T. Robot:** Our quick and pointless plot cul-de-sac is over!

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* So, she finally kisses the frog, and he turns into- \*bursts out laughing at the Prince's ridiculous design\* Wow, you're **really** serious with this design, aren't you, movie? He looks like the lovechild of Nat X and Michael Jackson! \*chuckles\*

**Bob:** I never thought I'd be saying this, but keep him as a frog! It's less goofy somehow!

**Frog Prince:** Many years ago, a witch turned me into a frog as a punishment for my behavior. I was a handsome but arrogant young man, and nothing was ever good enough for me.

**Princess Iria:** Still good looking...

**Frog Prince:** The witch chose to turn me into a frog so I could learn to be humble.

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Yeah, why are you only telling her this *now?* Telling her *right at the beginning* would've saved us a lot of time, you moron! So Iria gets to live happily ever after with her prince charming, meaning that she's learned absolutely nothing.

**Bob:** So, that was "The Frog Prince", and so far it's the worst Video Brinquedo movie that I've seen yet. \*voiceover\* It's especially bad that I have to call it that after I gave a relatively positive review to the last Brinquedo movie I saw ("Gladiformers"), but really, but this is just *awful*. The animation is ugly and robotic, the music's a complete joke, the voice acting is grating, the story is padded with lots and lots of nothing, the characters are all obnoxious, and again, Iria learns *nothing* by the end of the story. She offers one *teeny-tiny*, little concession that... *maybe* she should live life by some more realistic standards, and then she's instantly rewarded with the prince of her dreams. \*sarcastic\* Yeah, great lesson there. \*normal\* Seriously, the only real morals you can get out of this movie is either lie to get what you want out of life or dump your crazy girlfriend at the first sign of trouble.

**Bob:** And as eager as I am to banish this movie into oblivion, I'm afraid we're not yet done, ladies and gentlemen. Oh no, we still got two more movies left on this DVD to review. So, until then... see you next time.

*Sweetums' musical number from "Tales from Muppetland: The Frog Prince" play over the credits.*