178: It's a Good Thing Raphina Is a Notary

## Summary

Still under the influence of his own *Charm Person* spell, Will thrashes out his bodyguard contract with Batthwack, while Dew helps the villagers with Harry's burial. They then depart Norton on their quest and head up the river, led by Brom. On the way Raphina ditches some more of her Strahd money, and encounters a helpful earthworm who gifts her a restorative almond. Will is freaked out when he spots another large centipede and they also encounter a pod of luminescent lobsters in the river. Night falls and they set up camp, only to discover that, strangely, they cannot sleep.

## Synopsis

It's still early in the morning, so before the group set off to find the lizardfolk lair, Will and Batthwack settle down to thrash out the finer points of their contracts. Will is still unaware that he's under the influence of his rebounded *Charm Person* spell and regards Batthwack as a friendly acquaintance. First up, the purchase of the Lazy Currant: Will offers Batthwack 20% of the profits from the bar. Batthwack thinks this is great as he didn't pay any money towards it, but still asks for 30-35%. Will says *"I see what you're doing. Alright, 25, that's my final offer."* It's agreed.

Moving onto their bodyguard contract, Will reveals he's already made some notes on this. He lays out the job: to take Will from Barovia to the gates of Tivoli. He is not to be taken there by force, e.g. locked in a box and dragged. Batthwack asks what will happen when they get there. He says he doesn't really want to go back to Gully's End, so maybe Will could deed him some property in Tivoli for him to live in and store his things. Will is blown away by this suggestion. He says property is worth a lot in Tivoli, but that could perhaps be part of his payment. He begins hurriedly crossing out some of the things he was going to suggest, e.g. paying Batthwack in mercenaries to help him retake Gully's End.

Batthwack says he doesn't know what Tivoli's like of course, but he supposes he could always sell his property. Will has seen what Batthwack is capable of and begins wondering if the dragonborn might work for him in Tivoli. Then he stops himself. *"No, I don't think that you're really like that. You're good. You're too good."* Batthwack asks what he means by that. Will then reminds himself that Batthwack did nearly kill a child, so perhaps he would fit in. Will asks him what sort of job he'd be interested in, suggesting this could also be part of his payment for escorting Will there. Batthwack seems unsure about the job offer, but he says a place to stay would be great and he trusts Will to pick a good place. Will looks Batthwack up and down, though not with the usual disdain and disgust (there's a confused look behind his eyes), and is put in mind of a nice townhouse down the street from him and his brother (Bernard), which he says it's a really nice neighbourhood. An address is specified, two doors down from Will's house. Batthwack likes the sound of this and asks Will to add that to the contract.

Batthwack hesitantly asks Will if he might be able to help him, if their journey back to Tivoli takes them through Gully's End. *"You're a powerful... something... Warlock... I don't know what you are. But you're a pretty powerful guy and I don't know, I might need your help."* Will gushes at this compliment and calls out to Raphina, who's walking past. *"Batthwack is really a nice guy."* Raphina agrees and then says she has a question about the contract, which is whether it states that Batthwack has to carry Will away from danger if he breaks his leg. This is weirdly specific. Will says it is in there somewhere. Will reassures Batthwack that he'll be fair in assessing anything Batthwack does on a case by case basis, for example if he were to accidentally breach the terms of the contract in the heat of battle. Will suddenly has a thought and hurriedly adds a note to say that Batthwack can't cast *Zone of Truth* on him.

Not exactly enthralled by the contract negotiations, Dew wanders off to see if the townsfolk need any help with Harry's burial.

Batthwack asks for a clause allowing him a total of 3 occasions on which he can request Will's help, and he must oblige. Will accepts, but adds notes to the effect that it can't include rolling in mud or hurting himself. Will worries that these benefits could run on and on unchecked, for instance, might Batthwack call on him in 10 years and asks for one of his favours? He adds notes to ensure that these requests only apply until the job of escorting him to Tivoli is complete. Batthwack promises not to take large detours and travel where Will needs to go. Batthwack asks Will to cover 75% of his expenses, such as food, lodgings and weapons. Will is keen to stress that this is personal expenses only, e.g. he can't go buying swords for the entire population of a village and then claim it back. There's also a note from Will to say that the job can't take too long and Batthwack agrees that he'll release Will from the contract if the job takes too long.

Batthwack says he's not sure if he'll like living in Tivoli, but Will's sure he will. *"It's the best place in Six Rivers. You're gonna love it. I'm there. We're friends. It's gonna be amazing."* Raphina is heartened to see the two of them getting along and hugs Will. He's feeling so happy right now that he actually hugs back. Batthwack asks about the job Will says he'd get him in Tivoli. *"You think I might be good at ...?"* He pauses while he tries to recall what Will actually did for a living. *"I know a little bit about what you do,"* he says. Will says he'd be great at fighting and killing people and protecting him. Batthwack muses about playing the harp and Will says there's lots of places to play music. His thoughts wander and the image of Batthwack as a harp-playing assassin flashes across his mind.

The contract seems finished so they both look it over. Batthwack reads all the stuff that Will had written prior to being *Charmed* and it's all just stuff about not messing with him. They sign it. Will's signature is fancy, but Batthwack grips the pen in his fist, making a very crude and chunky signature.

Meanwhile Dew locates the villagers tending to Harry's burial rites. They ask him to help with getting things ready and Dew recalls a nice patch of wildflowers he spotted out in the woods earlier. He takes care to dig some of them up with a little soil still on the roots so they can be replanted around the grave. The villagers are very grateful.

Brom appears, looking sleepy. He thanks Dew for helping with the preparations for Harry and asks if they're ready to set off. Dew tells him that the others are working on something he doesn't fully understand back at the tavern, and leads him there to see if they've finished.

Upon entering the tavern they find that the contracts are finished, but Will, still under the effects of the spell, has agreed to write up additional copies at Batthwack's request. Batthwack also wants to make another trip to the West Shore Mercantile. They agree to meet outside the store in 20 minutes. At the store, Batthwack buys a couple of torches (4cp each) and a some more salted fish rations (1sp each).

The party set off up the Beartoggle River. Just as they're leaving the village, Will's *Charm Person* spell wears off. He stops dead in his tracks, takes his pack off and drops it on the ground. He stares off into the distance, unable to fathom what has just happened. Everyone keeps walking, but Batthwack notices he's stopped and asks if he's alright. Will takes the contract out and although he almost can't bring himself to, he looks at it. The full weight of what's happened hits him and he immediately begins to wonder what legal loopholes can get him out of this, given that he was under the influence of a spell. Unable to think of anything right now, he shoves the contract unceremoniously back into his bag and continues after them. Batthwack dutifully follows behind him.

They continue on their way and as they travel along, Will notices that the money is still getting heavier. Dew asks if the pendants he made are also getting heavier and Will thinks his is. Raphina thinks so too, and also notes that her Lanky Packs full of money are starting to pull quite severely on the seems of her dress. She puts 50gp, the bulk of the money, into a pouch and ties it onto a length of rope before placing it in the water, hoping that it will form a little boat that she can tow along. It does of course just immediately sink straight to the bottom of the river as soon as she places it in the water. The rest of the party stare on incredulously as she tugs on the rope only to find that the pouch has now caught on some rocks and can't be moved. She's forced to leave it there.

The going is good and bad beside the river. There isn't an actual path, so Brom leads the way, using a thick machete-type blade to clear brush and make a way for them. Eventually at around lunchtime, the group arrive at a clearing by the river and decide to stop and take a rest and eat some food. Thinking this is a good memorable landmark, Will makes an excuse to go off to a quiet spot by himself, and buries the rest of his Strahd money in a box he's been carrying.

Raphina is sitting quietly on a rock, eating her rations, when a tiny heap of dirt beside her starts to erupt. Before long the surface breaks and an earthworm pokes its head up out if the hole. Relieved that it's not a demon mole or something, Raphina says *"Oh thank goodness! Hello little earthworm. Can I help you?"* The worm's head swivels around and points at her and then it squirms back down into its hole. A moment or two later what looks like an almond is pushed up and out of the hole. Raphina's not sure if she's supposed to take the nut, and when she asks the worm what to do, it simply pushes the nut a little bit closer to her and then backs away. *"Am I supposed to eat this?"* she asks. No answer. Dew notices that Raphina appears to be conversing with worms. She takes an earthworm out of her can and asks it *"What do you think I should do with this almond that your comrade here gave me?"* No answer from this worm either, but she does get a sense the worm thinks eating it would be a good idea. After all, it is lunchtime.

Raphina sniffs the almond, finding it smells exactly like an almond plus dirt. She licks it. It tastes like an almond. She calls out to the rest of the group, asking if they want some of it, just as Will is arriving back after burying his box of money. Dew politely refuses and Will wants to have a closer look. He peers at it while Raphina recounts what happened. He's still investigating it when Raphina goes to put it in her mouth. *"No no no!"* he calls out, so Raphina puts it up her nose instead. After a short pause, during which she doesn't die, Raphina decides it must be safe and eats it.

Raphina feels great having eaten the almond. Will watches her intently, wondering if she's going to explode or anything. He starts to wonder if this is all a joke, but Dew says he can corroborate Raphina's version of events. Will, trying to make sense of all this, asks Dew if he's friends with any worms. He says that though he's not friends with any worms, he is friends with some plants. Will's not 100% sure if worms and plants are different. He can't understand what's going on. Raphina suggests that maybe the worms were grateful because she freed a few of their kind. Will asks if she recognises this particular worm and Raphina says that now he mentions it, the worm did look a lot like Jehoshaphat, a worm she released "at the turnstile rock over there, 100 yards back."

Being something of a plant expert, Dew points out that this climate is not exactly ideal for an almond. He thinks that Carnivar would be a more likely locale for growing them. This is very unsettling news to Will, who wonders if the worm could have stolen the almond from a traveller from foreign parts after murdering them.

Will suggests they should perhaps move on; he's now finding this meadow to be rather creepy. Suddenly, from underneath the rock that Raphina was sitting on, Will sees a rather large centipede that seems to be looking up at him, its head lifted in his direction. Not really believing that it might actually be looking at him, he shifts to one side and the centipede's head follows him. *"That creepy bug's looking at me guys! Someone step on it or something!"* he shouts in a panic. The centipede scurries under the rock as Dew and Raphina protest. Dew suggests Raphina try talking to the centipede, since she talks to the worms. Raphina says she'll have a go, but explains that really her exchanges with the worms are all based on body language. She asks Batthwack to try and lift the rock and Dew helps, but it's too heavy.

Raphina scolds Will for shouting at the centipede. *"It's a bug! A bug, Raphina. It was looking at me funny and I've never been looked at by a bug in that manner and I didn't appreciate it, ok?"* he says. Raphina tells him that it'll probably come and bite him in his sleep now, which of course freaks him out and he blasts a chunk off the rock with his *Eldritch Blast*. *"We're not camping here!"* announces Will. *"No, we're not,"* says Brom. *"Let's go."*

They head off upstream again, Will initially walking a fair bit faster than he had been previously. The river is still strong and wide, but starting to narrow. As they continue on, the vegetation is getting tighter and denser as they continue to bushwhack through it. Will is in a bad mood. He's at the back of the group and not helping in any way. Daylight begins to fade as the day wanes and it becomes clear that they'll need to find somewhere to camp, which upsets Will even more.

Will loudly proclaims some bullshit about the contract containing specific provisions meaning Batthwack has to protect him from biting centipedes. Raphina points out that the contact says no such thing; she has it memorized. Will can't understand why she didn't stop him from writing this contract while he was not himself. *"Batthwack drugged me!"* he shouts accusatorially. Raphina can tell Will is just mouthing off and Batthwack is ignoring all this and gathering firewood. They begin winding Will up by telling him that centipedes can walk faster than humans and will even go up your nose. Will is not finding any of it funny.

The party suddenly catch sight of something glowing a bluish-green in the river and freeze in their tracks. The particular hue of this glow is very familiar to Raphina and she immediately recognises it as being from the luminescent lobsters, a relatively common sight in the Beartoggle River. Noting the fearful looks on the others' faces she says *"Oh, you guys that's just from the lobsters."* Batthwack takes his hand off his sword. Raphina knows that they can grow very large and get rather fearsome, but from the size of the glow here, Raphina thinks these are more the size of your common or garden lobster, maybe even smaller, like a crayfish.

Dew asks what a lobster is and Will says you eat them with butter, and Raphina is appalled. She says *"They light the path across the river when you're ferrying it."* Dew asks Brom if he's familiar with them and he says they're a pretty common sight up and down the Beartoggle River. He says that he has to agree with Will; they are tasty. In Norton they typically catch them with traps because they're difficult to catch in the water. Dew wades out, just to get a closer look and Raphina says *"If you're really nice to it, it'll let you milk it and there's nothing like luminescent lobster milk."* Dew is much more familiar with creatures of the forest, but even so this gives him pause for thought. Neither Brom nor Will have heard of this, but Will doesn't want to appear uneducated in this matter so he pretends that he has.

Out in the water, Dew finds himself surrounded by the lobsters. It seems this is something of a breeding ground for them. As he stands still, he can see them scurrying around, in and around the rocks on the riverbed.

The party set up camp. Dew goes off into the forest to catch a rabbit and comes back with three. He cleans and prepares them and the smell of them cooking is delectable to everyone, except Batthwack. Dew smokes some of the rabbit meat and cooks the rest. When he offers the food around, Batthwack opts to get something out of his pack instead. Dew takes the leftover trimmings out to the river, dropping them into the water and the lobsters gather around him as they frantically feed and he's only just visible in the darkness, bathed in their blue-green light.

Will watches from the campsite, gnawing hungrily on a rabbit leg (or at least what he assumes is a rabbit leg), feeling sad at the thought that Bernard isn't there with him. He tries to summon him, to no avail, but finds himself feeling better anyway, perhaps just for the distraction. He raises his concerns about sleeping out in the wild and suggests someone stay up to keep watch. Dew says he has a spell for that: *Cordon of Arrows*. Will is a little concerned how close they'd have to sleep to each other to be inside the cordon (there are six of them, with Captain Clockface and Brom there too) and suggests Batthwack take first watch as well. Will offers to take second watch, then Dew and finally Raphina.

Brom falls asleep, but one by one it gradually becomes obvious to the rest of them that they can't sleep. Nor are they tired, which is weird, especially given that they didn't sleep the previous night either. Finally, Will sits bolt upright. *"We're not sleeping. Are you sleeping? I'm not sleeping. I'm not tired. What the fuck is going on?"* he shouts, apparently unconcerned that Brom is asleep, but he doesn't wake up. Dew has been walking by the river because he can't sleep and realises he has a good use for the rabbit fur left over from their meal: making a little coat for Skeleton Cat. He'll need to cure it and whatnot, so it'll take some time to make. Raphina gets up, also confused about why she can't sleep. She's knitted three sweaters and still isn't tired. Batthwack loves sleeping, but can't. He's sitting there with his eyes closed, resolutely trying to get to sleep.

Will feels his head and chest, wondering what's wrong with him. He jumps to his feet. *"Oh my god you guys. GUYS! Wait a second. There is something magical about this and I don't like it."* Brom continues sleeping soundly. Raphina is sceptical and asks if anyone can detect magic. Dew says he can and waves his arms in the air like he's trying to feel it. Raphina casts *Detect Poison and Disease*, taking out a yew leaf, putting in it her mouth and chewing it up a little bit. She then rolls it into a tiny ball and flicks it into their campfire. It explodes outwards and yew leaf particles settle on everybody. Will flinches in disgust. Raphina tells him not to worry, the particles would glow a violent magenta if there was any poison or disease present, so they're safe in that regard. Will is concerned that his arcane reserves feel as depleted as they were before, which normally are rejuvenated after a sleep.

Raphina suggests telling each other boring stories, but Will doesn't think that'll work. She says that in that case they should just keep travelling, no point just sitting here. Will doesn't want to do that either, not in the dark. He looks around anxiously for centipedes and noticing the campfire has almost burned down he restarts it with *Prestidigitation*. Will tries to make sense of this, thinking about what experience they could have all shared that then caused this change. The Rainbow Trout? Barovia? The Barovia money? It occurs to him that he's been carrying the Strahd crown, and it hasn't been getting heavier. *"You know what, that works out well for me, because I wasn't much of a sleeper anyway,"* he says.

Batthwack wonders if he's dreaming and checks his holy symbol, noting that it hasn't changed. Dew goes into the woods to see if any animals are sleeping and returns to report nothing out of the ordinary for a forest in the middle of the night. Will thinks this is probably a curse from Strahd, then he remembers the guy chanting in his sleep about *"change abounds"* and Batthwack makes the connection that he was asleep when he was chanting. It seems likely that this is all connected, but whatever's going on Will doesn't like it one bit.

Time passes and eventually day breaks. They still don't feel sleepy and as soon as the sun crests the horizon, they all gain the benefits of a long rest. **Day 3!** Brom wakes up. He says he slept well but is confused that no-one woke him for his watch. Dew explains about the sleeping and Brom says *"Well I'm sure we're still under the blessing of the Rainbow Trout."*

Will asks if this mission is going to be easy, as presumably Chilchirah is just another lizardfolk. Brom says he's their leader, their king and he's heard that he's eaten gods. *"He and his people have been plaguing our town for a long time."* Brom asks the party what their deal is, why the Trout picked them. He stops himself though, reminding himself that he mustn't question the Trout. Will's not very impressed by the Rainbow Trout, especially since he seemed afraid of being eaten. Brom says other gods have been eaten, the Spring Sparrow, for example. Will mocks him by suggesting that he could name any random stick the "Summer Stick" and call it a god.

Dew asks how far they are from the lizardfolk lair and Brom says they don't know exactly where it is; he's hoping they'll come across signs of it today. They set off once more, with Brom leading the way.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Abby. While working on the contracts, Alex/Batthwack asks "We're gonna make a couple copies, right?" KT, out of character, points out that they have to finish the contracts before the hour of the Charm Person spell is up. Eric suggests an in-game reason "Brom's gonna be coming to get us!" KT: "I was very meta. I'm trying to finish the other contract before my spell ends." Alex: "We can copy it later." Abby: "It's a good thing Raphina is as notary!"

## References

1. ↑ See episode 177: You're The Best Turtle I Know
2. ↑ Batthwack really has NO idea!
3. ↑ Speaking of Tivoli, Abby asks, *"It's very urban right?"* KT: *"It is a city city city. A flashy city."*
4. ↑ See episodes 88: The One Where Eric's Bein' All Strict and Shit and 89: No, No, Just a Plain Old Punch
5. ↑ This was mentioned later in the podcast, at 56.59
6. ↑ KT says that Will has added *"all kinds of annoying little things, from when I was angrily writing this contract to protect myself: no throwing heads, no throwing snowballs, no throwing severed arms, no throwing buckets of blood. All these things listed out"*
7. ↑ KT reveals that Will likes to relax by practising his signature and other forged signatures
8. ↑ As noted at the end of the previous episode, this is actually the second time they set off! See episode 177: You're The Best Turtle I Know
9. ↑ In game, Raphina gains two on her hit point maximum!
10. ↑ Abby uses the phrase *"like a blue lobster in a dark cellar"*, a reference to Charles Dickens' *Scrooge*. In the book, when Scrooge witnesses his door knocker changing into Marley's face, it is described as having *"a dismal light about it, like a bad lobster in a dark cellar"*. In episode 52: A Holy-Holly-Jolly Pork Fried Dice Special, which was based on Scrooge, Abby mentioned that the simile was a reference to decomposing lobsters, which can glow faintly due to bioluminescent bacteria that are attached to them! See https://www.yorknotes.com/gcse/english-literature/a-christmas-carol-2017/study/plot-and-action/00050200\_stave-one-pages-1020-marleys-ghost-has-a-message-for-scrooge
11. ↑ KT rolled a natural 1 on their check