Ernie - The Fastest Milkman In The West

## Bio

**Ernie - The Fastest Milkman In the West** is a comic song written and performed by Benny Hill. It was released in 1970 and made the British Music charts, hitting #1 in 1971. Benny sang the song as the character Slim Whitmore on December 23, 1970.

## Lyrics

You could hear the hoof beats pound

As they raced across the ground

And the clatter of the wheels

As they spun round and round

And he galloped into Market Street

His badge upon his chest

His name was Ernie

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

Now, Ernie loved a widow

A lady known as Sue

She lived all alone in Linley Lane

At number twenty-two

They said she was too good for him

She was haughty, proud and chic

But Ernie got his cocoa there

Three times every week

They called him Ernie (Ernie)

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

She said she'd like to bathe in milk

He said “Alright sweetheart”

And when he finished work one night

He loaded up the cart

He said “You wanted pasteurized,

'Cause pasteurized is best”

She says “Ernie, I'll be happy

If it comes up to me chest”

And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie)

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

Now, Ernie had a rival

An evil looking man

Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington

And he drove the baker's van

He tempted her with his treacle tarts

And his tasty wholemeal bread

And when she saw the size

Of his hot meat pies

It very near turned her head

She nearly swooned at his macaroon

And he said, “Now if you treat me right,

You'll have hot rolls every morning

And crumpets every night”

He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake

He'd have his wicked way

And all Ernie had to offer

Was a pint of milk a day

Poor Ernie (Ernie)

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

One lunchtime, Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door

It drove him mad to find it was still there at half-past four

And as he leaped down from of his van

Hot blood through his veins did course

And he went across to Ernie's cart

And he didn't kick his horse

Who's name was Trigger (Trigger)

And he pulled the fastest milkcart in the west

Now, Ernie rushed out into the street

His goldtop in his hand

He said, “If you want to marry Susie

You'll fight for her like a man

So why don't we play cards for her”

He sneeringly replied,
”And just to make it interesting

We'll have a shilling on the side”

Now, Ernie dragged him from his van

And beneath the blazing sun

They stood there face to face

And Ted went for his bun

But Ernie was too quick

Things didn't go the way Ted planned

And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt

Sent it spinning from his hand

Now, Sue she ran between them

And tried to keep them apart

And Ernie pushed her aside

And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart

And he looked up in pained surprise

As the concrete hardened crust

Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye

And Ernie bit the dust

Poor Ernie (Ernie)

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

Ernie was only fifty-two, he didn't want to die

Now, he's gone to make deliveries

In that milk-round in the sky

Where the customers are angels

And ferocious dogs are banned

And a milkman's life is full of fun

In that fairy dairy land

But a woman's needs are many fold

And Sue, she married Ted

But strange things happened on their wedding night

As they lay in their bed

Was that the trees a rustling

Or the hinges of the gate

Or Ernies ghostly goldtop a rattling in their crate

They won't forget Ernie (Ernie)

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west