recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Tom's Big Week or "The Monday Morning Grindcast"

## Episode blurb

In this episode, Tom is reinvigorated by a particularly exciting week filled with unbelievable adventures. Also discussed: - Adventures in unfamiliar Starbucks locations - "The Monday Morning Grindcast" - Hilarious Tiger Woods stand-up routines - Making Brad Pitt work for [...]

## Running Gags

* Starbucks is mentioned
* Tim thinks all beer/coffee/wine/chocolate tastes the same

## Quotes

**Tom**: "As you know, I've taken a 2nd job as a janitor at a local college."

**Tim**: "This is.. news to me. Is this a bit?"

**Tom**: "No, no, it's an amazing story that happened to me this week ... I'm super smart but nobody ever saw it in me except this math professor. He left an equation up on the board one night- I solved it. I solved the math equation and I had to start seeing this psychologist, and this guy in a bar wanted to fight me but I got the numbers! It's an incredible story but that's not all ... because I took this job I had to stop taking the subway to work and started taking the bus. And this seems like an easy thing, right? This bus had a bomb on it!"

**Tim**: "What? This happened this week?"

**Tom**: "You'd think it'd make the local news! ... If the bus went below 55 miles p/hour, maybe 60 or 70, I can't remember, it was earlier in the week... the bus would blow up! ... I was driving the bus-"

**Tim**: "You were driving the bus? You're not qualified to drive a bus, you're a janitor!"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "You know that crazy, wide-eyed scientist from next door I've been hanging out with lately?"

**Tim**: "Doc? Yeah! ... I have to be honest with you, Tom, I don't think he's a very good influence on you."

**Tom**: "He had me meet him at the shopping mall really early in the morning ... and I don't know where he got these parts from. He said he'd dealt with these terrorists..."

**Tim**: "Terrorists?"

**Tom**: "I went back to the past. I kinda screwed it up- my parents weren't going to meet. I had a picture... I don't wanna bore people ... he got shot by the terrorists, but he'll be fine."

**Tim**: "Who, Doc?"

**Tom**: "Yeah. He won't be back, tho, he's in 1885."

**Tim**: "Alright ... it all sounds fine except for that last part, which sounds like the plot to Back to the Future."

**Tom**: "I'm not familiar."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I don't think my sense of taste is very refined- all shit tastes the same to me."

**Tom**: "I think you may have a problem there ... you might be having a very prolonged stroke-"

**Tim**: "That may be the case."

**Tom**: "Oh, 'everything tastes like almonds!'"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Now this woman, at my old Starbucks..."

**Tim**: "'My old Starbucks' is the douchiest phrase ever ... We are just the worst people ever."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "If you find a link on our website that says 'Online Banking', do not click that link, Tim has set it up to steal your details."

**Tim**: "Our online bank is probably the most reputable online bank there is."

**Tom**: "No. Do not click any links."

## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/toms-big-week-or-the-monday
San Juan Bautista

Ships Fast Navigation
Contract Ships • Level Offers •
Merchant • In Shop

Originally named Date Maru was one of Japan's first Japanese-built Western-style sailing ships. She was of the Spanish galleon type, built by Date Masamune and launched in 1613. Upon completion she crossed the Pacific and arrived in Acapulco, Mexico transporting a Japanese diplomatic mission to the Vatican. From Mexico she returned to Japan while the embassy continued to Europe. In 1616 she headed for Acapulco again. On the way back she arrived at Philippines, where she was sold to the local Spanish government.
Disney World

## Episode blurb

In this episode we discuss traveling to the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando, Florida, the perfect place for family fun!!! We also discuss: - Clean versions of ODB albums - Surviving water parks - Horses on planes - Flirting with Snow White...

## Running Gags

* Horses on a plane or Tim is scared of horses
* The Muppets are mentioned

## Quotes

**Tim**: "I'm kinda the main guy, you're the warm-up act."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Have you been to space, Tom?"

**Tom**: "Of course I've never been to space."

**Tim**: "I have. In Florida, at the Walt DisneyWorld."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Ever seen a variety show hosted by a talking frog?"

**Tom**: "What?"

**Tim**: "Have you seen a pig, in 3 dimensions, singing in a sailboat?"

**Tom**: "I've seen a pig in 3 dimensions singing, but not in a sailboat."

**Tim**: "It's called the moppet 3d adventure. 3 dimensions of moppets."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Tom, this may surprise you, but I don't work out."

**Tom**: "No? What's all that grunting and moaning I hear all the time?"

**Tim**: "Let's not get into that."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I don't like water slides, they hurt your genitals cause you go down so fast. Know what I mean? Know what I mean by genitals, Tom?"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Did anyone try and pull any-"

**Tim**: "-pants down?"

**Tom**: "That wasn't what I was gonna ask."

**Tim**: "I got pantsed 5 or 6 times."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I'm surprised, with all the assholes in this world, that more people don't die on waterslides."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "The horse's inner ear is all screwed up from the pressure and it's gonna go crazy!"

**Tom**: "Even with blinders on, it's gonna freak!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Capture some video of a horse in zero gravity? that movie writes itself."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I also met Minnie Mouse. She's a bit of a firecracker, that one. She got a little handsy with me."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Ariel, the Little Mermaid? She was hot."
Tim: "That's because she's a redhead."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I got kicked off the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire ride for saying the F word."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Remember the first time you met with somebody, having only made plans over IM?"

**Tim**: "Are you talking about the prostitutes- the girls you meet in chatrooms, Tom?"

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/disneyworld
Facebook

## Episode Blurb

This week we discuss all things Facebook, including 4 types of annoying Facebook users, the long, emotional process of canceling your account and the inherent insincerity of the Facebook "Happy Birthday" message. The hot new segment "Mundane Bucket List" returns as Tim announces his first entry. Also, Tim is annoyed by a woman at the deli and Tom insults all women in general.
2009: The Year in Review

## Episode blurb

In this episode: 2009: A Landmark Year for Podcasting Auditing our finances The Beginning of TCGTE as Michael Jackson's Legacy Sitcom Porn Porn Rage Against the Machine #1 in the UK 9 Year Olds Don't Know Anything Teenagers Love Celebrities Books Rated by Time Spent in Bathroom Celebrity Deaths (DJ AM, David Carradine, Farrah Fawcett, [...]

## Running Gags

* Tom does a questionable accent
* Tim hates teenagers
* "We're so old"

## Quotes

**Tom**: "And then Dan hit me in the back of the head with the biggest dildo you've ever seen ... it was just an absurdly-large dildo, I almost blacked out he hit me so hard with it, it was like a baseball bat."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I know nothing about Lady Gaga, and I'm very happy about that."

**Tom**: "I could not hum you a Lady Gaga song."

**Tim**: "Sure I've heard it in the drugstore.."

**Tom**: "What are you, 95? The 'drugstore'?"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I love how this podcast has basically become 2 guys who aren't even 30 yet, acting like old men. We should just change the name."

**Tim**: "Fucking oldstercast."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "This decade is gonna suck, because this century is gonna become a teenager. It's going to make questionable choices."

**Tom**: "It's gonna be moody. It's not gonna get up before noon."

**Tim**: "Things are gonna get dark, we're gonna start listening to The Smiths. We're going to start cutting. Things are going to get dramatic."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "The cover could be Oprah taking a dump, and I'd be happy as long as I was mentioned in the book."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Britney Spears' 'Toxic' was one of the best songs of the 90s, would you not agree?"

**Tim**: "It came out in 2003."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I did yoga!"

**Tom**: "Didn't you fart in a yoga class once?"

**Tim**: "No! I didn't fart in a yoga class. I threw up in a yoga class."

\*\*\*
## Extras

At the end of the episode, there is a short blooper where Tom says "Hello!" in an English accent and Tim giggles.

## References

1. ↑ https://tcgteclassicsblog.wordpress.com/rankings/
2. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/year-in-review-2009
Air Travel

## Episode blurb

Dunces / Tim's Tips to Beat the Heat / 80s Stand-Up Comedy / Dealing with Celebrities on Planes / Surviving a Plane Crash / Basing Your Life on Sex and the City / Angela Lansbury: Babe of the Week / The Mile High Club or Having Sex in a Tiny Public Bathroom / Tim and Tom Solve Your Loud College Kids Problems [...]

## Running Gags

* It's "so hot" in the room
* Horses on a plane or Tim is scared of horses (first mention)

## Quotes

**Tim**: "Don't you dare. You can say what you want about me, do not use the D word."

**Tom**: "Dunce?"

**Tim**: "I hate it, I hate it!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "When I'm drunk in an airplane, I get very introspective. If you're terrified of airplanes? get drunk and accept your imminent death."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "..'Oh, did you hear Tom died? Yeah, in an airplane accident. No, it didn't crash, he didn't put on his seatbelt.'"

**Tim**: "That'd be an unlikely way to die on an airplane. It's more likely to be, 'Oh, did you hear Tom died? Died on an airplane. He was uh, trampled by a wild horse'."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "A horse to me on an airplane is terrifying for some reason!"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I was gonna say, what a weird thing, but then I thought about it, and you'd be fucked if there was a horse on a plane."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "You ever get kicked by a horse?"

**Tim**: "Of course not, that kills you!"

**Tom**: "Well that was my point, you wouldn't be here today."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Do you have any thoughts on the Mile High Club, Tom?"

**Tom**: "At the end of the day it's just having sex in a bathroom."

**Tim**: "It seems skeevy. I don't like the whole 'notch on the belt' kinda thing."

**Tom**: "Then what are all those notches on your headboard?"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "It's like, you can have this day-old McDonald's cheeseburger now, or you can wait a half an hour and have an amazing cheeseburger."

**Tim**: "That's a less exciting hamburger. That's a hamburger where there's no danger of somebody walking in while you're eating it."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/air-travel
Dating (Part 2)

## Episode blurb

A topic so extensive that it could not be contained to a single episode! This week Tim and Tom go over the rules of DarwinDating.com in "Does it Pass the Mustard?", speculate on the rules of speed dating, offend Matthew Broderick in a number of ways, and give some terrible dating advice.

## Quotes

**Tim**: "We've been doing this show for 28 years. If you're new to this, if you've just started listening, we've got 28 years of history."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Do you mind if I just lie down?"

**Tom**: "Yeah, just lay down and tell me what you're thinking and we'll put it in the podcast and we'll solicit peoples' thoughts about what your mental problems might be."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "From the beginning of when we started recording to now, I think I've developed a cold."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "When I'm on my deathbed, and they ask if I have any regrets I'll say, 'I wish I didn't spend so much time sitting around recording audio podcasts for the internet'."

**Tom**: "Tim, you make a lot of people very happy."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Tom, I appreciate all sorts of girls. Out of 10 girls I maybe meet, I desperately want to date 9 of them."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/dating-part-2
UFOs and Aliens

## Episode blurb

Concerned about the possibility of an alien attack? Educate yourself about all things alien by listening to this week’s episode. Also: Tom becomes a brewmaster, we have a frank discussion about ALF, we tell tales of brewery tours, question the mental toughness of drunken hillbillies and discuss the History Channel’s ridiculous programming.

## Running Gags

* Tom does a questionable accent
* Starbucks is mentioned

## Quotes

**Tom**: "I haven't really been to Starbucks lately."

**Tim**: "It's been a problem, man. We've haven't had anything to talk about on the show."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "You know what? I'm very confused about yeast."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Tom, all of your stories end with a massive diarrhea-ing."

**Tom**: "I don't know how, but there was so, so much."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I'm afraid of most things, aliens just aren't on my radar... I'm afraid of squirrels, Tom. I get nervous just walkin down the street."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I don't need a half-hour show telling me what kinda trouble we'd be in if the Loch Ness monster could fly an airplane."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "It would make sense, because from what I've heard, the Loch Ness monster is a Holocaust denier."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/ufos-and-aliens
The Avengers

## Episode Blurb

This week we recount the career of TLC, a debate about how difficult it is or isn't to burn down a mansion, Snoop Dogg getting a pass on being a sell-out, a debate on what car Derek Jeter drives, Nike's R&D department, and condiments & selfishness. After this intro we talk about The Avengers and Tom explains who Captain America, Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow and Hawkeye are to Tim, plus we solve a problem with a roommate who eats too much.
Shipwrecks

Players will frequently see **shipwreck** icons on their maps, called either **Shipwreck** or **Treasure Pile**.

By sending a ship to these shipwrecks, players will collect a treasure reward.

Collecting **shipwrecks** also progresses the task Treasure Hunter in the Achievements, however it appears not all shipwrecks are counted towards the achievement.

* **Treasure Piles** do not count towards Treasure Hunter.
* Each Event offers more wrecks in a day, but those are not counted towards Treasure Hunter.

## Crew requirements

The crew cost of salvaging a shipwreck will vary depending on the player level. If a high crew requirement becomes an issue for a player, **La Pensee**, a scouting ship with extremely high crew but very low capacity is a good choice, also worth it for exploring in general.

## Rewards

Rewards are based on the player level and are also affected by a multiplier. The reward is not based on the capacity of the ship and/or the number of sailors the ship can carry.

All **shipwrecks** give  points.

Note: Sextant () and Barrel of the bat () amounts do not depend on player level.

## Wrecks stats (by **Zdeněk**)

Player ID: 1471086

Info: 160 wrecks for a total of 360 items during 36 days, starting on 01/03/2018.
Hip Hop

## Episode blurb

The frequently asked for Complete Guide to Hip Hop with special guest Algernon! In this episode we also discuss: Balloon Boy, When is it ok to call a woman a girl?, Jay-Z, Brian Wilson's rap career, Wu-Tang, Shitty Teenage Jobs, Thanksgiving (USA!), Fake Free Masons, AJ's Haunted House, and much, much more!

## Guests

Algernon Regla joins Tim and Tom for this episode.

## Running Gags

* Home alone movie/novel mentioned (first mention)
* Tim only likes short movies (first mention)

## Quotes

**Tim** [On balloon boy]: "But why was I so goddamned riveted?"

**Tom**: "You thought a 6-year old boy was 11,000ft up in the air."

**Tim**: "But I always assume there's a 6 year old in peril, at any time. Stuck somewhere, menaced by coyotes..."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "My [Amazon] pick of the week is aluminum benches."

**Tim**: "How much?"

**Tom**: "Only $10,927.37. 19% off the retail price!"

**Tim**: "That's a steal."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Nobody's ever called me a man."

**Tim**: "I can attest to that."

\*\*\*
**AJ**: "Ghostface just came out with a new album, which is awesome."

**Tim**: "No it's not, you dick!"

## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/hip-hop
Drunk Presidents and Nicolas Cage

## Episode blurb

Boris Yelsten drunk in his underwear at the White House, George W. scaring prisoners straight, Johnny Cash and Mr. Ed, Tom meets Nicholas Cage and listener suggestions!

## Running Gags

* Tom is obese
* Tim says the Ted Danson/Ted Handsome joke (first mention)
* Tim mentions being in the Blue Man Group show (first mention)

## Quotes

**Tim**: "This is gonna be freewheeling. I'm not wearing underpants - let's go!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I like that your Johnny Cash impression is the same as your Mr. Ed impression."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Someone asked whether he had done any research into orchids. Cage says, [Cage voice]: 'Well actually, I am an avid orchid collector.' And I cracked up, because I thought he was making a joke. And he shot me the fucking dirtiest look and just locked eyes with me."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Ghost stories are always subtle shit, like 'I came home and the hankerchief was folded neatly on the table'."

**Tom**: "Yeah there's no 'I came home and a man was hanging from a meat hook in my shower'.."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "We always want these episodes to be shorter than they are."

**Tim**: "Yeah, but we're just too fucking entertaining."

## References

1. ↑ https://tcgteclassicsblog.wordpress.com/rankings/
2. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/drunk-presidents-and-nicolas
GameStop

## Episode Blurb

A video game store has been in the news lately, although not because of video games and not really because of the store either. This week, we're talking about GameStop, and Tom tries to explain the stock market with very limited success. We also solve a problem from a listener looking for love in all the wrong places.
Video Stores

## Episode blurb

Learning England is not still in the 1980s / 1980s / Social Networking / Burritos / TV's Unsolved Mysteries / Three Men and a Baby / Ghost / The Back Room of the Video Store / Overt Perverts / Time Travelers Ruining Tom's Credit / Steve Guttenberg Gets Called Out / A Pervert's Greatest Fear Realized / Buying Smugness / You're Awful / Updates / TCGTE Rebooted / You're Awful: The [...]

## Running Gags

* Tom does a questionable accent
* "You're Awful" segment

## Quotes

**Tom**: "I realised when I got there, that everything I knew about England, I knew from like, the 80s?"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "You were dressed to impress."

**Tim**: "I was dressed as a bumblebee."

**Tom**: "A slutty bumblebee."

**Tim**: "That's implied, Tom."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "It was obvious. The [porn video] case was a different colour, like bright red or something."

**Tim**: "It said 'PERVERT' on it."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "There was no being a casual pervert back then. And being a casual pervert suits me better, to be honest."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I got to college and took the language placement exam, & got placed in Beginners 1."

**Tom**: ""So you got placed into highschool Spanish."""

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I think people would be very disappointed if they met me. I don't think I'm ever gonna let anyone meet me."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "We're almost up to 2000 fans, the 2000th fan will get to spend a night with Tom! In the city of their choosing."

**Tom**: "Not true. Uh. Terms and conditions apply!"

**Tim**: "Tom will take you to dinner. Do things to ya."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/video-stores/
College: Sophomore Year

## Episode blurb

Fraternities, Tom's terrible RA work, blaming everything on 9/11, Tim's work as a maid, and scamming free pizza from the FBI. Also: when its acceptable to smash someone else's television and how to get beat up by one of the Foo Fighters.

## Running Gags

* "What if we die before this comes out?"
* The Muppets are mentioned (first mention)

## Quotes

**Tim**: "I was supposed to attend training on September 11th. I got an angry call on September 12th, like, 'What the hell, Tim', like the biggest disaster in US history didn't happen-"

**Tom**: "Buildings were falling as this was going on-"

**Tim**: "-a 1/2 mile away... oh you know why I didn't call? The phones didn't work. The world fucking stopped. Thousands of people died. Sorry!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Lowlight of my college career - I threw a chair through [my roommate's] television. I've never been that angry about anything ... he was mad, but what's he gonna do?"

**Tom**: "Make you buy him a new TV?"

**Tim**: "Nope!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "My biggest regret is-"

**Tom**: "-not becoming a Muppet?"

\*\*\*
## Anecdotes

**Tom**: "So the desk staff were acting really weird all day. Found out later there were 12 FBI agents in a room ordering pizza all day long. They told the staff 'just play it cool and when Roger Phillips comes to pick up his package, just hit the button under your desk' ... this idiot had had his friend mail him pot. Like, 5lb of pot. But they have ways of checking for that in the mail, sniffer dogs, etc ... apparently the second he signed he got tackled so hard by all these FBI agents. But they left the pizza there, we got free pizza. "The highlight of my college career - free pizza from the FBI!"

## References

1. ↑ https://tcgteclassicsblog.wordpress.com/rankings/
2. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/college-sophomore-year
Patreon Exclusive Shows

In addition to the free weekly podcast, The Complete Guide to Everything also has a Patreon account.

One of the benefits of signing up for the Patreon is access to an extra podcast each week. Over the years these podcasts have covered a variety of topics, ranging from fast food to interesting facts.

## **List of Patreon Shows:**

* **Amazing Facts:** Each episode of "Amazing Facts" had Tim & Tom each present an amazing fact, and Patrons would then vote on which fact was better.
* **The News Starring Tim & Tom:** Purportedly a news show hosted by Tim and Tom, "The News" specifically covered news related to fast food.
* **Fast Food Fryday:** An apparent evolution of "The News", Fast Food Fryday was a similar format but dropped any pretense about covering anything other than fast food.
* **Justice League Minute:** In this show, Tom would discuss the goings-on in the DC Cinematic Universe.
* **Riverdale Revue:** In this show, Tim would discuss the goings-on in the hit TV show "Riverdale".
* **You Look Marvelous:** In the never-ending feud between comic book companies, the Marvel Cinematic Universe also got a show similar in form to the "Justice League Minute".
* **Books: The Podcast:** In this show, one host reads a book and describes it to the other host. Once that's done, the host that didn't read the book watches an adaptation of it and they discuss the differences and similarities.
Abe Lincoln

## Episode Blurb

In honor of Presidents Day we discuss the life and times of Honest Abe Lincoln, but get caught up in discussing how duels work, Lincoln's severe depression and creepy dreams, Stomp performing at Ford's Theater and some of his not-so-famous quotes. We also hear about Tom's disgusting illness in very innocuous terms and Tim has a mundane bucket list entry about trains.
An Unfortunate Encounter and More Michael Jackson

## Episode blurb

At the end of last week’s episode, we were left with a heart-pounding cliffhanger as Tim walked out and claimed to leave the show for good. On this week’s episode we find out if Tom is destined to do The Complete Guide to Everything in solitude every week. Also, there is talk about Michael Jackson [...]

## Running Gags

* Tom does a questionable accent
* Tim hates teenagers
* Starbucks is mentioned

## Quotes

**Tim**: "This is what they need to show the kids. You take crystal meth? you'll end up shitting your pants in SoHo."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Babies when they shit give you that look like, 'you're gonna have to clean this up'. Smug babies and meth addicts are the WORST."

\*\*\*
**Tom [in old-timey voice]**: "If it's okay with you, see? Yeah. Okay, see?"

**Tim**: "Is that what things were like in the past, Tom?"

**Tom**: "Yeah, anytime before I was born, and back. That's how Jesus talked. [old-timey voice] 'Okay, see? I'm gonna get on the cross, yeah?' ... 'I'm God, see?'"

**Tim**: "'I'm gonna get on this cross', is that what he said? I'm pretty sure he didn't say 'for my next trick ... and all time? So like, anytime from 37AD?"

**Tom [in old-timey voice]**: "See that woolly mammoth over there? I'm gonna kill 'im, see?' ... 'You see that dame over there? I'm gonna club her on the head, see?'"

**Tim**: "They called cavewomen 'dames'?"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "So I'd like to announce our C&C Music Factory/Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch Mash-Up Contest!"

**Tom**: "Yeah, absolutely!"

**Tim**: "You mix C&C Music Factory's Gonna Make You Sweat and Marky Mark & the Funny Bunch's Good Vibrations and send it in."

**Tom**: "Bonus points if you manage to mix in The Beach Boys' Good Vibrations as well. But it's gotta be subtle."

**Tim**: "You can't do a half-assed job here and expect to get the prize. And the prize will be a one of a kind item ... we don't know what the prize is, but you'll want it. Be it that I shave my beard off & send it to you in an envelope..."

**Tom**: "You're gonna get arrested doing that."

**Tim**: "Or Tom will do a lot of meth & shit his pants & we'll send you those shorts."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "She linked to a My Chemical Romance song, which I did not listen to, because they seem like bullshit teenagers listen to ... they wear eyeliner and stuff."

**Tom**: "Guyliner."

**Tim**: "But then again, so do 30 Seconds to Mars and they're your favourite band."

**Tom**: "No they're not. You shut up, Tim! You shut up!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "They think they know what makes Tim tick. Teenagers don't know freaking anything. They don't know shit about dick."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/an-unfortunate-encounter-and
Valentine's Day

## Episode Blurb

Tim gets a massage, we debate the merits of Valentine's Day in general, marrying your dog, "Single's Awareness Day", we give a newly engaged couple the most memorable Valentine's Day gift of their lives, Lyrical Analysis of The Beatles' "Drive My Car" and solve a problem concerning a man's girlfriend getting a tattoo.
Tim and Tom Solve Your Problems

## Summary

Tim and Tom Solve Your Problems, also known as "T and T S your P", is a regular segment that began in episode 22: Hodge Podge. This segment is the longest-running and most common segment on the podcast.

## Featured Episodes

The segment is also regularly featured in live shows, as well as being the focus of several episodes:

## Theme Song

A request for theme songs to be submitted was initially made in Episode 206: Superman. In Episode 213: Tim and Tom Solve Even More of Your Problems, submissions were played for listeners to vote. In Episode 214: Trains, it was announced that the winner was "Billy" and his theme song was played in the episode and then played for 77 problem-solving segments in subsequent episodes. The song was discontinued in recent episodes [*Episode TBC*] after "listener complaints".
New York City and Yuppies vs. Ice Cream

## Episode blurb

A listener suggests we talk about New York City, so we talk about a whole bunch of stuff that pisses us off.

## Running Gags

* They mention their large empire/interns/employees/show crew (first mention)

## Quotes

**Tim**: "There are a ton of things to do in New York. It doesn't have to be the S&M clubs you frequent, or the Speakeasies that I frequent!"

--

**Tim**: "I mean, I always stop my drinking before 7 in the morning."

--

**Tom**: "This article is full of tongue-twisters!"

**Tim**: "You're just drunk."

## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/new-york-city-and-yuppies-vs
Girl Problems

## Episode blurb

In this episode we offer advice to females who have written to us with their problems. You know, because they trust us. We also talk about: - Little kids vs. Coffee tables - Disturbing Masters of the Universe beach towels - Interacting with overenthusiastic Starbucks employees - Luis vs. Louise - Tag-team serial killers - [...]

## Quotes

**Tim**: "What do you want [for your birthday]? Which He-Man toys do you need to complete the set?"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "One of my biggest fears is something horrible happening when I have to pee."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I think that's the true test of a hero - you have to pee and something happens, you either piss yourself or absorb it back in! ... like, Rudy Giuliani really needed to pee on 9/11, and he was like 'No, I've got things to do, I can't be stopping to urinate!' ... he was wearing dark pants, but it still shows. But you know what, a guy like that- you know our superhero idea where there are costumes stashed all around the city? I bet he's got pants in case he pisses himself."

**Tom**: "Suits hidden all around the city, just in case!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "She used the word 'foist' [in her T&TSYP email] because one time on the podcast we had a conversation about the word 'foist'."

**Tom**: "Did we? I learn something new about the podcast every time we record."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "There are so many things about this world that you just don't know, Tom."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "We should do a different podcast, in a British accent - 'Witty Quips With Tim and Tom'. With baroque music playing in the background."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "All the girl emails are really long. All the guy ones are like-"

**Tim**: "'I wanna screw my girlfriend.'"

**Tom**: "'How do I do this' ... 'how do I make my wiener hard first?'"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I was going back and listening to one of our old shows - you can listen to them MANY times, guys, they have tremendous replay value."

**Tom**: "Play em backwards, you think they're just funny the right way?"

**Tim**: "Yeah, hear all of the Satanic messages fully in tact."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Unfortunately, this is a problem you can't fart your way out of."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/girl-problems
Sleuthing

## Episode blurb

In this special edition episode of The Complete Guide to Everything, Tim and Tom try to crack the case of the Backpack Bandit. Showing their ability to multitask and solve multiple cases at once, they then take on the case of the U-Haul Truck Trickster. Also Tim debuts his new podcast. This episode was recorded [...]

## Running Gags

* Tom does a questionable accent
* They talk about 'Veronica Mars-ing' a situation (first mention)

## Quotes

**Tom**: "There were some insufferable people on that elevator. It's not relevant, but."

**Tim**: "Did I do something on that elevator?"

**Tom**: "Do something? if you farted, I didn't smell it."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I'm going to start a new podcast just with another person who hates you every week. It's gonna be called 'Don't You Hate Tom?'. It's gonna be great. 'Don't You Hate Tom? with Tim'. I'm just going to goad people into saying mean things about you."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Tom, it's just networking."

**Tom**: "That's not what networking is. Contacting my ex-girlfriends is not networking."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "I think people hate both of us."

**Tim**: "What's not to like about me?"

**Tom**: "You're stupid, for one."

**Tim**: "It's a character. Everyone knows I'm not stupid in real life."

**Tom**: "On 'Don't You Hate Tom?', you'll be playing an intellectual?"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "My advice in most situations is - listen, it's not a big deal. But you should probably freak the fuck out."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "If I ever commit a serious crime, they're going to take this podcast and chop it up to make me sound like the worst human being."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/sleuthing
Bars

## Episode blurb

In this episode we discuss bars, pubs and the goings-on inside these establishments. Topics include: Getting a bartender's attention Adventures waiting on bathroom lines Illicit drug use in bar restrooms Tom's tips for girls interested in flirting at bars Tim's admiration a certain big box electronics retailer

## Running Gags

* They mention having wives, kids (first mention)
* Tim hates teenagers
* Tim says the Ted Danson/Ted Handsome joke

## Quotes

**Tom**: "Why do you keep bringing up Best Buy?! Are they paying you to talk about them?"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Were you at Best Buy today or something? Did they brainwash you?"

**Tim**: "I'm at Best Buy most days - you know this, Tom, we both are."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I think I wanna get big and strong so I can physically intimidate people."

**Tom**: "Fiscally?"

**Tim**: "Physically. I can already fiscally intimidate them, Tom."

**Tom**: "'I will buy and sell you!'"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Every time I tried to ascertain if cocaine has a smell, I went crazy for some reason!"

**Tom**: "I got all hyper!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Sam Malone was played by, of course, Ted Handsome."

**Tom**: "That's your favourite joke."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Now what kind of guarantee does Best Buy have against a GeekSquad guy sleeping with my wife?"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "So you're trying to intimidate a guy and a fart- I mean, a fight is about to start..."

**Tom**: "A fart is about to start...!"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "This is bullshit, and I'm sick of it. Just shut up, I'm sick of hearing this and I demand that you drop this shit and you fess up."

**Tim**: "Alright. I admit it. Best Buy?"

**Tom**: "Yeah?"

**Tim**: "Provide the best products, the best service, at wonderful prices!"

**Tom**: "Bullshit!"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "If you have any Human Centipede fanfiction, you can send it to Tim, especially if you mention Best Buy in it."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/the-complete-guide-to-bars
Sir Beardful (The Elite Hunter)

> *"Aaaaaaaeeeurgh!"*
>
>

Sir Beardful is the primary protagonist of the series. He formed The Hunting Squad and has been involved in many hunting operations leading him to be the squad's elite hunter, and best suited to destroying the Wyler. He is played by the Admin TopWylerHunter

## Early Life

### Education

Beardful attended the same local school as the other members of the squad, where he used his real name McGrory. McGrory did well in his exams and took an interest in the Sciences and Social Science, while also taking on the study of Religion. He again did well with his chosen few topics and applied to University, but was denied for his beard was considered an ill omen.

### Rise of a hunter

McGrory never shaved his mighty beard as it was his symbol of pride, but others were mortified of it and it was clear that McGrory needed to take another path. He began extensively training himself physically and used his University fees to travel the world, being dubbed 'Beardful' by an English tourist he met abroad once. The name stuck and he felt 'Sir' was a nice touch on his part too. Sir Beardful adopted various hunting techniques and became a member of various Hunting groups, including the British secret Hunting Society, which he worked with very well and rose to become a high ranking member.

## The Hunting Society

Beardful served for a long time in The Hunting Sociey, and picked up a further arsenal of techniques, molding them into his own set of specialties that he had picked up through his time with different hunters, and this level of power he had granted him his own Hunting Party.

### The Tragedy of Bedford Rise

Leading his Hunting Party to Bedford Rise for the first time, Sir Beardful encountered the Wyler and the entire party was wiped out but Beardful, leaving him as the sole survivor and due to the reliance of Sir Beardful from The Hunting Society, they quickly dissolved under stress and lack of guidance.

## The Hunting Squad

### Formation of a new gang

Following the disappearance of The Hunting Society, Sir Beardful was left to his own devices, but saw the Wyler as the best oppurtunity for publicity and completion is his whole career. He made it his priority to track down and slay the beast, but he knew it was not a task for one man, so he formed The Hunting Squad.

He sought out Rhys Attenborough and his friend and cameraman Pablo to forge an alliance and to be the first members of the Hunting Squad, and together they recruited more members of value until each role was filled.

## Trip to Bedford Rise

### The Squad in action

Sir Beardful soon put his new squad into action, when with a five man team he went to investigate Bedford Rise; the place of The Hunting Party's demise. Footage of this event can be seen in the Wyler Teaser Trailer.

## Traits

Sir Beardful is the most proficient caller in The Hunting Squad, and can use his abilities to a degree at some points to help lure out the Wyler. He also uses a variety of techniques that he took from around the world on his travels, and he is a talented marksman with all manner of rifles.
Tim and Tom Solve Your Problems (episode)

## Episode Blurb

This week we spend most of the hour generously solving YOUR problems. Topics include sick day shenanigans, clowns looking for love, things to do on your NYC vacation and attending live podcast shows alone. Also, like something pulled straight out of a Choose Your Own Adventure novel, you have the opportunity to choose our topic for next week's episode.
Facial Hair

## Episode blurb

In this week's episode we cover the often-requested topic of facial hair. Listen and learn as we discuss everything you need to know about maintaining a beard /mustache or keeping your face silky smooth. We also discuss: - dwarves dressing up like Yosemite Sam - the seedy underbelly of celebrity look-alike businesses - spending hundreds [...]

## Quotes

**Tom**: "I can't help but notice that there's something different about you."

**Tim**: "You and every goddamn person I've come in contact with."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "In college I had my beard and one of those green hats, and someone came up to me and was all, 'Fuck you! Castro is a murderer!'"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "People have been calling me baby face for years, but that's because of all of the music I produced under the name Babyface."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Then there are the other people who are like, 'Oh my GOD, Tim, thank GOD you shaved the beard ...' - they make me feel bad. It's not like I just grew it for a month then shaved it off ... I had it the entire time these people knew me!"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "That would have been hysterical, if you'd had beard tan lines."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "You are a rube. And I'll tell everyone why you are a rube. You think you're having this luxurious shaving experience, but you really just went into a high-end bullshit place in the mall and let them sell you a bunch of stupid shit."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "How much did this badger-hair brush cost you?"

**Tom**: "Oh, like, 100 bucks."

**Tim**: "Really?"

**Tom**: "Yeah."

**Tim**: "REALLY?! ... You bought a $100 brush to apply shaving cream to your face? You aristocrat piece of shit!"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "In highschool, if you remember, I had a goatee."

**Tim**: "I remember that. I thought you were a nark."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Probably twice a day, they shave their face to get this pencil-thin beard. It's a douchemark on your face! Is douchemark a word?"

**Tom**: "I think you just made it up."

**Tim**: "It's the mark of a douchebag. A douchemark."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/facial-hair
Baseball

## Running Gags

* Batman is mentioned
* Tom does a questionable accent

## Quotes

**Tim**: "I can see myself as the one guy you know that died from Swine Flu."

**Tom**: "Yeah, you're not a generally healthy person."

\*\*\*
**Tom [in Staten Island accent]**: "You lookin' at my trashy girlfriend?"

**Tim [in accent]**: "She dressed slutty for me, not for you!"

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Keep the no editing in mind, Tim- when things go nowhere, there's nothing I can do about it."

**Tim**: "Can you also keep in mind that I just woke up from a nap?"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I've gotten drunk to the point of being thrown out of Yankee Stadium."

T**om**: "Wow, you must be very proud."

**Tim**: "On Easter Sunday!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I don't know much about being a man. I don't even know how to trim my beard..."

\*\*\*
## Anecdotes

**Tim**: "Keep in mind I'm wearing a Yankees hat and a sweatshirt or a jersey. The inning changes and the Yankees run out to take the field.. I'm quite close to Bobby Abreu and I think "I'm never this close to the action. I've gotta get his attention ... I yell out, 'Abreu!' and he stops and turns around and looks at me. He was in the middle of a baseball game, so I didn't expect this... since when is policy that you'll stop and turn around when a fan addresses you in the middle of a game? They're either going to have something bad to say or, 'yeah, win the game!' ... This is where I panicked. Oh crap, I have to say something to him. All in the space of a few seconds."

**Tom**: "It was probably a full minute, you were just so drunk it felt like a few seconds."

**Tim**: "The only thing I can think of is that he looks a little bigger in person. He turns around and I have to think of something to say... so I yell, 'Abreu! You need to lose some fucking weight!' ... I'm a big fan! He was trying to process this. He could see I was wearing Yankees gear and probably thought, 'I'm not having a bad game...' ... anyway, he just kinda shrugged and jogged away. Then he went into a slump for like, 3 months."

**Tom**: "Wow, so you think you're accountable for his slump?"

**Tim**: "I'm sure he went home after every game and took his shirt off and thought 'that bearded asshole was right'."

## References

1. ↑ https://tcgteclassicsblog.wordpress.com/rankings/
2. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/baseball
Twilight

## Episode blurb

The first in a series of "Stuff We Hate But Know Absolutely Nothing About". TCGTE takes a bullet for you and watches Twilight in its entirety so we can then deliver you everything you need to know about it at your next cocktail party/water cooler showdown.

## Quotes

**Tom**: "I'm your host, Tom."

**Tim**: "I'm your-"

**Tom**: "Co-host. Sidekick. Production Assistant. Intern Tim is here with me today."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "[Kristen Stewart] was born in 1990. Holy shit, we're old, Tom."

**Tom**: "I knew you were going to say that."

T**im**: "Holy fucking shit."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I'm afraid of cats a little bit."

**Tom**: "Now that's just being a sissy."

## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/twilight
Airport Security

## Episode blurb

Janitors Milk The New Theme Song "Enhanced" Consulting for the TSA Tim and Tom Solve Your Problems: Are We Your Friends? Types of Philes Two Timing A Juggalo's Response

## Quotes

**Tom**: "You're independently-wealthy, a lottery winner.. don't think you've worked a day in your life!"

**Tim**: "No, I find working distasteful."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "The Illuminati: an invisible hand, guiding our nation."

**Tom**: "A literal invisible hand, if I'm not mistaken. They have the cloaks."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "You're not talking about putting babies into burlap sacks. That's frowned upon."

**Tom**: "Give 'em some breathing holes at the very least."

**Tim**: "Put 'em in the sack with some scissors and they'll learn some dexterity."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "The people listening also don't realise you gained 30lb for this role."

**Tim**: "That wasn't just for this role. They built a new Burger King down the street. I've been exclusively eating Burger King."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "The [TSA] have these body-scanning machines, which allow them to see your weiner-"

**Tom**: "And other things!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "'Enhanced pat downs'? That's a groping."

**Tom**: "Maybe people should be trying to work this into their regular life. Maybe when you ask someone out, you should say, 'Just to let you know, we're going to be going on an enhanced date'."

**Tim**: "At the end of the night, I will be giving you an enhanced hug and kiss on the cheek."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I was gonna ask you to be on 'Enhanced Girls at Spring Break'. You wanna be in my 'enhanced romance movie'?"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I'm inviting this girl to be on our show as a special love interest. I think it'd spice it up!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "This isn't really an actual complete guide to anything."

**Tom**: "What? Tim, don't say that. Refund requests are gonna come rolling in."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/airport-security
Celebrity

## Episode blurb

In this episode, two non-celebrities talk at length about the nature of celebrity. In a Freaky Friday-esque twist, minds are blown as Tom and Tim seemingly completely change personalities when arguing about Justin Bieber or Joaquin Phoenix or something. Also, what the hell was the deal with The Love Boat?

## Quotes

**Tim**: "I don't think a Toyota corolla is a safe place to be during a tornado."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I'm Tim, I'm the one who looks like the 300 movie star."

**Tom**: "Gerard Depardieu?"

**Tim**: "Gerard Butler."

**Tom**: "Yeah, I can see you as a butler."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "If you'd put your money on Ben Affleck when we told you to, you'd be sitting pretty bout now."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "What do you want to talk about now? Bieber?"

**Tom**: "Beaver? I beg your pardon, Tim. This is a family podcast."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I rarely agree with you, sir. With your big stupid horse face."

**Tom**: "I... uh.."

**Tim**: "What's that, horseface?"

**Tom**: "You can compare me to a lot of people, but you cannot compare me to Sarah Jessica Parker, sir."

\*\*\*
**Tom**: "Old people that skydive are just ejaculating in those suits, probably."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "If you RSVP yes, if you show up, Tom will kiss you on the mouth."

**Tom**: "Not necessarily the case."

**Tim**: "Man or woman. Man or beast!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "We have a lot of canine listeners. Dogs go nuts when they hear this show."

**Tom**: "That's probably the high-pitched squeal that I make."

**Tim**: "Probably keeps teenagers from listening, too."

\*\*\*
## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/celebrity
Late Night Fiasco

## Quotes

**Tim**: "There aren't enough attractive British ladies."

**Tom**: "Except for our fans!"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "I've never been asked 'where do you see yourself in 5 years?' when I haven't said, 'dead, probably'."

**Tom**: "'Well, sir, dead in a ditch. I'll have been missing for about 4 years at that point.'"

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Tom, you have a lot to say but you ign'ant. You ign'ant. You an ign'ant mo'fucker."

\*\*\*
**Tim**: "Tom Reynolds hosting the Tonight Show?"

**Tom**: "I'm sending this in as an unsolicited audition tape."

## References

1. ↑ https://soundcloud.com/completeguide/late\_night\_fiasco-mp3