Jazzhole

### Relatives

Berit Badstuheim (ex-wife), Sebastian Von Engelbert The III Part 2 (son), a whole spew of Von Engelberts The IIIs that came before him

### Affiliation

Lawful Evil, with a dose of bribery, theft and fraud

## Biographical information

### Marital status

Divorced from real love, now only loves Jazz, but like, the old school "real" stuff, none of that Fusion stuff (except for Toto)

### Date of birth

Under a blood moon, like every Von Engelbert The III

### Place of birth

Castle Von Engelbert The III, Pennsylvania

## Physical description

### Species

Penguin, with blue blood due to designer drugs

### Gender

Snobby gentleman, who isn't all that gentlemanly if I dare say

### Weight

Like several crates of 1700's wine, brewed by witches over a cauldron made of ancient porcelain, and filled with the finest gall money can buy. So about average

### Eye color

Judgmental

**Sebastian Von Engelbert The III**, also known as **Jazzhole** due to his online Jazz reviews penned under that screen name, is an American count from a lineage of snobby aristocrats. He lives in a castle built by his ancestors in downtown Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and spends most of his time listening to what he considers Jazz, and complaining about other people listening to other types of Jazz.

He was first introduced in the song Real Rockers Wear G-Strings, where he is one of the main voices spouting out annoying garbage.

## Appearance

Mr. Jazzhole is an emperor penguin man with a taste for the finer things in life. He has brown hair which he imported from Himalaya, and is styled by the finest hair artists money can buy. His feathers are given a pampering of over 10 different imported creams every morning to keep that antarctic shine even when out in the sun. He's weirdly conscious about the shape of his right hand, and prefers to keep it behind his back, pretending to do so to give him a look of authority and class.

He wears designer polo shirts and pants from brands that are so exclusive you haven't even heard of them. His ex-wife claims he is lying and is actually just stealing them from second-hand stores, but he has denied these claims himself, calling them "as absurd as King Crimson having a career". Occasionally he is seen wearing a fedora and thick rimmed glasses, which he claims is done "ironically".

## Work and Online Notoriety

By day, Count Sebastian works as a stock broker, flying his private jet over to New York on weekdays to visit Wall Street. While there, he tends to laugh at everybody else while putting all his money into various defunct Jazz labels, believing them to still be active. Despite this, he is somehow still a multimillionaire, due to his massive inherited fortune, but also his side job.

By night, he writes in his wildly "popular" blog Jazzhole, where he reviews any and all Jazz music he can come across. However, his tastes are extremely narrow, and as such over 95% of all reviews on his website are scathingly negative, attracting mostly clicks from angry fans hate-reading his blog. As his blog grew with more and more people clicking in to find reasons to scratch their heads, he started expanding into video reviews, which is when he became an internet sensation.

His arch nemesis is the band Negative Øhio, which he deems a full out attack on Jazz, and have tried to petition to get their music banned from music stores. As the band are an underground act that isn't on a label, and as thus rarely have music in music stores anyways, his petitions haven't gotten a lot of signatures.

During the weekends he also moonlights as a drum instructor for naive youths whom he can swindle for their pocket change. He always starts the lesson by telling them to learn the drum part to Dust In The Wind by Kansas, and then telling them they ruined Jazz by playing a Prog song afterwards.

## Notorious Reviews

* Every time he reviews a Buddy Rich album, he complains about him playing too many notes, saying "he's not REAL Jazz".
* He seems unaware about Miles Davis coming up with the idea of "the notes you don't play", consistently giving his albums scathing negative reviews, calling them "unlistenable, overplayed, chaotic noise".
* He once reviewed the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon series, giving it a negative review for "demonizing Bebop, which is a sin against Jazz".
* He gave "In The Court of the Crimson King" by King Crimson a negative review, calling it a Radiohead ripoff.
* For some reason he considers random Soft Rock acts from the 80's the pinnacle of Jazz, such as Toto, Phil Collins and Air Supply. Their albums consistently get rave reviews from him, except for "Kingdom of Desire" by Toto, which he describes as "a massive Mallcore sellout to appeal to Hot Topic kids".
* He also tends to give positive reviews to Ariana Grande records, claiming her to be "the thinking man's pop that is practically Jazz". His justification for this hot take was never fully explained.

* He's a self-proclaimed "Elvis Stan", calling him "a proto-Jazz mastermind" in his review for Jailhouse Rock (the movie, not the soundtrack, weirdly enough).

In fact, despite his pen name and his blog, he seems to not like Jazz all that much, and is mostly complaining about it.

## Trivia

* He doesn't know what streaming is, thinking it's a form of watersports. He buys all his music in vinyl, playing it on an early 1900's gramophone he stole from an old lady crossing the street (he got away with it by bribing the cops).
* He divorced his wife due to her bringing up Brand X when he talked about Phil Collins once.
* He's not related to the singer by the stage name Engelbert Humperdinck, but he does own all of his albums on vinyl, proclaiming them to be "essential Jazz listens".
* He was created as a parody of hipster Jazz snobs and Neo-Bop elitists, such as the director of La La Land.

## References

1. ↑ https://negativeohio.bandcamp.com/album/real-rockers-wear-g-strings