309: I'm Wearing My Cinderblock Pants

## Summary

The party go door to door looking for Ricardo Odysseus, eventually finding him hiding in the toilet, bloodied and incoherent. Will gets a confession out of the halfling and hands him over to Mo, despite Raphina and Batthwack's protestations. Mo, who's still furious about the death of Rosco's dog, kills Ricardo, and a disappointed Batthwack takes himself outside to be alone. The others try to figure out how to pilot the houseboat as they continue down the river, eventually spotting two beams of light in the sky ahead of them.

## Synopsis

Batthwack begins kicking in doors, scanning each room quickly as he goes, checking there are no further assassins onboard. The upper floor rooms are cleared before heading down the stairs. Batthwack sends Will to go restrain Ricardo in the captain's cabin while he checks the remaining rooms. Oddly, he finds no guests anywhere. Had they all been assassins in disguise?

In the captain's cabin, Will finds Ricardo isn't there and there's a blood stain on the wall. A bloody hand print by the door and on the railing outside suggests Ricardo must have headed out, but where is he now? Rosco, who had been following somewhere behind, suddenly stops and confesses to Raphina that he's been increasingly feeling like he's two people at once. The revelations about his age and hidden past have been playing on his mind, and the dream he had while unconscious has reawakened all this. Are his memories of the Fairy Queen and Tanya actually one and the same? Raphina offers him some twig tea and they go to sit in the wheelhouse.

Meanwhile, Will begins casting *Light* on everything, including a life preserver which he throws into the river, hoping to get a glimpse of anyone or anything that could be floating out there in the darkness. Batthwack reappears, having finished checking the kitchen. Will tells him to fly out over the river, and Batthwack is so ready to oblige that he's gone before Will has even finished asking. Bernard sniffs around on the floor, having picked up the scent of Ricardo's blood, and follows his trail around to the latrines. Inside they find Ricardo's motionless body, the back of his head matted with blood. Will hoists him by the lapels and drags him upstairs.

In the wheelhouse, Sheemie is still attempting to steer the boat. Raphina, with her experience of rafting on this river, offers to take over, but it transpires that the boat actually seems capable of keeping itself on course, though no-one knows quite how. Rosco quizzes Sheemie about the dual memories he had after they defeated the sliver, but the boy doesn't really remember it. Thinking that Rosco must be sad about dog, Sheemie recounts the story of his failed attempt to look after a school goldfish.

Will arrives, dragging Ricardo's limp body with him. Batthwack has been flying around outside, scanning the water, whilst also attempting some experimental and not-entirely-successful swoops, so Raphina casts *Thaumaturgy* to call him back in. He performs some healing, just enough to bring Ricardo back to consciousness. Will casts *Suggestion* and manages to get some sense out of the mumbling halfling, who then confesses to hiring the assassins for being rejected by the group.

Will just wants to kill this lunatic who nearly killed two of their group, but Raphina says there's been enough killing. Rosco is fascinated by Ricardo's obvious dual memories, who somehow recalls their meeting at the hotel as it was, *and* that he owned the houseboat at the same time, even though the two things never coexisted. Batthwack agrees with Raphina that they should spare Ricardo's life, but Mo suddenly speaks up, unable to contain his anger any longer: Rosco the dog is dead because of Ricardo. Will hands the halfling over to Mo, who takes him outside and a faint scream is heard as Mo exacts his own justice. Batthwack runs out to see what happened just as Mo is returning dusting his hands. *"Mo, what did you do?"* asks the dragonborn. *"Oh, I kill him and throw him overboard,"* says Mo matter-of-factly.

Rosco has been looking out at the river ahead of them, studying the horizon for clues that the Captivating Coyote's home might be nearby. He sees some faint light off in the distance, gradually getting brighter. Is it the dawn, or something else? Will argues the case for keeping this boat over their *Ding Dang Dong Boat*, the main point being, this one has rooms and can take them much further on their travels around Six Rivers. Rosco suggests that this boat isn't sea-worthy, plus there's the other sticking point: they're not entirely sure how to control it, and no manual can be found, try as they might. Will feels pretty confident that he can probably figure it out.

Batthwack's upset about Ricardo being killed, saying, *"It's done. But no-one here seems to know about mercy. Or care about mercy."* Will realises that despite the improvements in their friendship lately, they're still very different people. To him, Ricardo was just another "bad guy" who deserved to die. He tells them that he recognises the mask he found on the assassin's body, and they were just hired assassins from a guild called the *Tragedy Masks*. He reminds them that this is all just a distraction from a much bigger goal that they're supposed to be focused on. Batthwack walks out the door sadly and flies straight up and out of view. He quietly sits himself down on the roof of the boat.

Rosco stands rigidly at the helm with his eyes half open while Raphina lies crabbily on the floor and rests as best she can. Will steps outside into the dark to try and locate Batthwack who is nowhere to be seen. He tries everything he can think of: putting on his own pair of *Boots of Flying* to take to the sky and loudly goad Batthwack into revealing himself, and even asking Bernard if he can pick up the dragonborn's scent. Batthwack watches this for a while before eventually making himself known, saying he was just resting and looking at the stars.

Eventually, somewhere out towards the horizon, the sky continues to lighten, and two beams of light shoot into the sky, looking eerily like rabbit ears.

## Quotes

* KT: *"He's a halfling right? I literally just pick him up by his lapels."* Eric: *"His head lols."* Adam: *"Laughs out loud?"* Eric: *"His head ROFLs."*
* Alex: *"I heard that he got turned over to Mo, but then I somehow integrated the rest of that, the scream, as like a joke."* Abby: *"We don't joke on this podcast."*

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Alex. Eric's soundboard featured heavily on this episode, so when Will is looking for Batthwack (who's on the roof of the boat), and Alex says *"You hear schooching noises and then I look over the side,"* Eric inevitably plays the classic OpeningSepticTank.wav sound. Eric: *"That's like a schooching noise."* Alex: *"I'm wearing my cinderblock pants."*
* Ship of Theseus: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ship\_of\_Theseus
* Boat language: https://www.formulaboats.com/blog/common-language-used-in-boating/
* *On Cosmopolitanism and Forgiveness* by Jacques Derrida: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/167498.On\_Cosmopolitanism\_and\_Forgiveness
* Will's *Message* to Bernard was 33 words long: *"Can you smell his gross ass, that he had to wash earlier tonight, but he washed in the river so he's at least gonna smell like the fucking river, that's gonna be confusing..."*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: fetch.

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ See episode 299: Like a Zen Rake
2. ↑ See episode 308: My Pinky Finger Is Very Precise!
3. ↑ See episode 302: So Profound, and Yet So Unhelpful
4. ↑ See episode 275: Am I Ever Gonna Make Any Friends?
5. ↑ See episode 158: OpeningSepticTank.wav