Jill Bitterberry

She is a reporter who writes for the *London Register Gazette*.

## Physical Appearance

She is a very thin woman.

In chapter 2, she is wearing a black fedora with a "PRESS" badge tucked into it and a gray suit-skirt, festooned with many pockets, bristling with pens and pencils, backup writing tablets, appointment books, small reference books, and maps of the city.

## Cakes and Ale

### Chapter 2

She interviews the Jolly Good Person, who believes Jill Bitterberry is the lead reporter for the "Elite Styles" section of the *London Register Gazette*. Her aim is to interview several members of the Noble Gases and offer the world a look as to what goes on within one of London's oldest private clubs. A flashily dressed photographer accompanies her.

If the Jolly Good Person and/or Fitzie has been swimming, she will comment on the fact that they are wet. She will also emphasises she is on a tight schedule and props a small timepiece on the table in front of her to emphasise this point.

The Jolly Good Person's dialogue will determine what Jill's article will focus on:

1. 1. The Nobles Gases Club
2. 2. Vyv Addington
3. 3. Gilberto Ordoñez
4. 4. The Jolly Good Person
5. 5. The Jolly Good Person's family
6. 6. Fitzie
7. At Aunt Matilda's request, the Jolly Good Person can also praise *Scroobles*, while also harshly condemning *Willow Moon*.

### Chapter 4

Tabby reveals to the Jolly Good Person that Jill Bitterberry actually writes for the "Ghastly Gossip" section now and will tell the Jolly Good Person what the article focuses on, as a friend of hers got a look at the headline. In all cases, the article is unflattering.

### Chapter 6

The Jolly Good Person can alter the article with Tabby's help. The various articles can be:

1. 1. **"NOBLE GASES—ALL JACKASSES???"**, with a photo of the club atop the article. The photo is taken just outside the door of the clubhouse, focusing on the lacquered wooden plaque stating the name of the club and the argyle socks nailed underneath. According to Tabby, "the article is a devastating take-down of the Noble Gases Club. It is made out to be a disgusting den of filth, roguery, and tastelessness. It will surely mean complete ruin for the Noble Gases if it is published."
2. 2. **"VYVIAN ADDINGTON OF THE NOBLE GASES—THE 'ART' OF 'LAW'???"**, with a photo of Vyv atop the article pointing to a painting on the wall with an amused expression. It's not a terrible picture. According to Tabby, "this Vyv is quoted in such a way as to make them seem a talentless and spoiled aesthete."
3. 3. **"GILBERTO ORDOÑEZ OF THE NOBLE GASES—SHINY TROUSERS, DULL MIND!!!"**, with a photo of Gilberto atop the article showing him strolling down the street with his golden trousers on, wearing his épée at his side. It's not a bad picture. According to Tabby, "this Gilberto is portrayed in a rather cruel way, suggesting that he is a completely brainless buffoon."
4. 4. **"THE JOLLY GOOD PERSON, OF THE NOBLE GASES—IS NO IDIOCY BENEATH THEM???"**, with a picture of the Jolly Good Person at the head of the article, entering the Noble Gas club. The Jolly Good Person looks ridiculous, sort of squinting in the sun. According to Tabby, the Jolly Good Person's "foibles are laid bare."
5. 5. **"LORD CHOLMONDLEY FEATHERSTONEHAUGH AND SISTER LIVE LIFE OF LUNACY: 'ONE IS INSANE AND ONE IS VAIN' SAYS A FORMER SERVANT"**, with a picture of Uncle Chum and a sidebar which explains that the Jolly Good Person is much like their family. According to Tabby, it is designed to make the Jolly Good Person's family "look like idiots."
6. 6. **"WORST SERVANT EVER? WE SAY 'YES'! MEET FITZIE, SHAME OF THE CADBURY CLUB; A FITTING SERVANT FOR THE JOLLY GOOD PERSON"**, with a picutre of Fitzie with a rather smarmy expression on their face. It is not a flattering picture. According to Tabby, "Fitzie comes off looking like a demonic figure who is attempting to steal their fortune, seduce them, and probably manipulate the whole club."

The Jolly Good Person has choose to approach editing the article in three ways:

* 1. Using Jill Bitterberry's article as the base text, tweaking her language here and there, seeking to change the tone from "outrageously scathing" to "mild condemnation" or perhaps even to "tepid." This would be easiest overall, certainly, as the Jolly Good Person could use much of her language and phrasing. Furthermore, it would be far less likely to make anyone suspicious. Jill might just think her editor made some changes to her tone and not investigate further. But it would be impossible to turn the article positive doing only small-scale edits.

2. Making large-scale revisions, transforming her insults to compliments, changing the tone completely. This would create a more pleasant outcome. However, Jill would be rather suspicious about that sort of massive change.

3. Changing the article from negative to positive, and also anonymously attack Jill Bitterberry, making all manner of embarrassing and scandalous claims about her.

### Chapter 7

Ernie, along with the rest of the Noble Gases, reads the article. If it is flattering, he is delighted.

The Jolly Good Person can convince the Noble Gases to let Tabby join the club if the edited article was a success.

## Quotes by Jill Bitterberry

*"Even though you intend to reform, something or someone has been dragging you down into the muck and mire. It is a tragic story. You strive and strive, but true reformation remains elusive. Alas!"* (Chapter 2, Cakes and Ale)

*"So you suggest that profuse perspiration is the mark of the Cadbury Club? That is interesting."* (Chapter 2, Cakes and Ale)

*"Furthermore, I, Jill Bitterberry, would like to take this opportunity to tell you about my embarrassingly shaped birthmark, which is located in an unmentionable location, near my patch of suppurating warts. In addition, I feel it is my responsibility to tell you that, although I am a professional journalist, I cannot speak clearly, relying primarily on a series of grunts and growls that those about me must translate painstakingly. If you should see me at a social gala, please approach me and do not be put off by what some have called my off-putting aroma. It is simply that I do not believe in bathing or personal hygiene. I apologize in particular for the shallot-like quality of my breath."* (Chapter 7, Cakes and Ale)

## Quotes about Jill Bitterberry

"*What on earth...! I have been maligned. I dearly wish dueling were not illegal. Where does this Jill Bitterberry live, Pilcrow?*" (Gilberto, Chapter 7, Cakes and Ale)

"*Oh, who cares about Jill Bitterberry's warts and such!*" (Ernie, Chapter 7, Cakes and Ale)