Fake TPOT 46: We Can Sail, We Can Sail/part 2

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"**We Can Sail, We Can Sail**" is the non-canon forty-sixth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 17 July 1989. Since TPOT 2 has already been released, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon. Enya.

## Contest, part 1 (cont'd)

### **All the World's a Contest**

**Scene**The setting of this episode's contest.
#### Station #3 (PC)

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*nemini loquitur*] That was exhausting! [*sees Balloony, Tape and Lightbulb*] Hiya.
* **Balloony**: Pencil! Did ye ken I wis in Series Eleven? They invited me as a special guest for Aulden Days Week but officially I'm placed sixth somehow!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*looking at the mini-challenge sign*] Oof, I'd better go. Nice talking with you!

[*Exit* **Pencil**.]

* **L****igh****tbul****b**: [*calling after her*] *OJ gets eliminated in episode 6, part 18, and agrees to a trial separation from Cough Drop in the next episode! Don't ask for behind-the-scenes info, I'm just a fan; repeat, I am just a fan!*
* **T****ap****e**: I thought you were a lightbulb.

#### Station #5 (BH, RE)

[**Pin** *is seen exiting this station (based on the fifth challenge), while* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote** *are both in the process of moving* **Yellow Face** *and* **VHSy***, respectively.* **Fries** *and* **Dotrothy** *are also present—the former has his arms folded in slight annoyance. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1974**

  Plant trees
**OR**
  take the elderly where they need to go.

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Still, I find it a grave injustice.
* **V****H****S****y**: Is it because Two chose some of the oldest people on set to represent the elderly in this mini-challenge?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: No, VHSy, it's because seventeen juries thought "Door de wind" was about the impact of tropical storms on housing developments. /s
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But you're going where you want to, are you not?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: We can move ourselves!
* **Yellow Face**: That's not true, Fries. I *LOVE* to be moved!
* **V****H****S****y**: So do I, and I find that one gets a much better view from the opposite side of the track.
* **Yellow Face**: And I find this *FUN!*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*Aside, to Remote.*] We should have planted the tree.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: You should have sent us home.

#### Station #6 (PI → BH, PI, RE → BH, PI)

[**Pin** *stands before four large doors, somewhat reminiscent of those from* The All-New Let's Make a Deal. *She seems to be alone, but that is clearly not the case, because the nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1974**

* **P****i****n**: [*nemini loquitur*] Why do I feel like Marker's here?

[*Pin pauses briefly so that the audience realize what she is referring to. She then opens door #2. Behind it stands* **Protractor**.]

* **Protractor**: Oh my gosh, I've been found! I have never been found in my life, I guess 'cause salesmen are the last people the general public wants to—

[*Pin closes the door on him.*]

* **P****i****n**: No, eww.

[*Pin opens door #4. Behind it is* **Tewilda**.]

* **P****i****n**: Oh, hi, Teresa!
* **Te****wil****da**: No, you're mistaken, Pin. It's *Tewilda*. I can be a bit blinding on the eyes, so I get it.
* **P****i****n**: You're not Marker.

[*Pin is about to close the door on her but is interrupted by the arrival of* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote**.]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hi.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I found my girl.
* **Te****wil****da**: Hi-hi!

[*Tewilda closes the door on herself. Remote goes.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wait, Remote, won't you wait for me?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We will meet at the next station.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Alright.

[*Exit* **Remote**.]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*going*] Yayayay, first place.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Looking for anybody in particular, Pin?
* **P****i****n**: Yeah.

[*Black Hole *points to* door #1 and Pin opens it. Behind it is* **Marker**.]

* **Ma****r****ker**: You found me!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yep, I, erm, found the Marker.
* **P****i****n**: Well, uh, actually, it was *I* who opened the door.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh dear. Conflict.
* **Ma****r****ker**: Do you guys want to have dinner with me tonight? I get kind of lonely!

[*Pin closes the door on him as she and Black Hole have an awkward stare-off.*]

#### Station #7 (RE)

[**Cloudy** *and* **Nickel** *are talking to each other while a strangely familiar laugh is heard on repeat on a cassette player, representing the strange entity from the seventh episode.* **Rocky** *sits in the background, doing nothing as usual. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1975**

* **Nic****k****el**: And I put in a bid for the bumper cars contest. Still got no idea what went down there.
* **Cloudy**: Neither do I.
* **Nic****k****el**: That's 'cause you were with me, remember?
* **Cloudy**: Oh, yeah. Shh, someone approacheth.

[*Enter* **Remote**.]

* **Cloudy**: Hello, Remote!
* **Nic****k****el**: What's happening?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I'm in first place, shockingly. [*points to the sign*] This isn't another emotional contest, is it?
* **Nic****k****el**: No, I don't think so. But this episode was emotional, I can tell you that. There ain't really much to laugh at with that sorta thing. Just listen.

[*Nickel takes out the "laughter" tape and replaces it with the same song that was played in the episode, the sound-alike to ABBA's "Slipping Through My Fingers".*]

* **Cloudy**: Uh, Nickel, I don't think you were supposed to do that.
* **Nic****k****el**: Why not, *Tadig*? [*Subtitles: "Breton for 'father'."*]
* **Cloudy**: Because that means—
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I can go through this station without doing anything.

[*Exit* **Remote**.]

* **Nic****k****el**: [*calling after her*] Heheh, that's almost exactly what we were worried about!
* **Cloudy**: Should we do something about that, Nick?
* **Nic****k****el**: No way, we're eliminated.

#### Station #8 (RE)

[**Remote** *enters* *the station representing the eighth challenge. She is met with* **Barf Bag**, *who seems to be the compère of this mini-challenge, while* **Ice Cube**, **Bracelety** *and* **Boom Mic** *stand in the back, indistinctly and loudly admiring each other. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1975**

[*Enter* **Remote**, *who takes a quick look at the sign and back at Barf Bag. This happens about two or three times, depending on how much of the episode is to be cut.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Hi!
* **Bracel****ety**: [*in the background*] I'm such a great, great fan of you, Icy!
* **Boo****m** **M****ic**: And I'm such a great, great fan of you, Bracelety!
* **Barf** **Bag**: [*turns around*] Will you three stop that?
* **Ice Cube**: But it wasn't my fault!
* **Barf** **Bag**: I know, that's why I turned around. [*does the "zip your lips" gesture to them*]

[*Silence from the others, as Barf Bag turns around again.*]

* **Barf** **Bag**: In this challenge, all you have to do is create the essence of me!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh short circuit, our team lost this one.

#### Station #5 (PC)

[*Enter* **Pencil**. **Fries** *repeatedly points to himself.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Starting a new dance craze, are you, Frankx? Reckon you of all people would grow tired of the running object.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: [*pointing to the other side of the track*] Just move me!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, okay. Don't have to be so curmudgeonly about it.

[*Pencil grabs Fries by the back and pushes him across the track. His neutral, annoyed expression does not change as she does so.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Did Two really do a challenge like this?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Yes, only the people involved were much older than we are.
* **Dotrothy**: Speak for yourself, Earth child!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Lovely.

#### Station #8 (PI, RE → PI)

[**Remote** *is still working on her "Barf Bag" essence with some materials that Ice Cube, Bracelety and Boom Mic have given her. Enter* **Pin**.]

* **Barf** **Bag**: Welcome, former team8!
* **Bracel****ety**: It's ***SHARING TIIIIIME!***
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*not looking back*] There's someone else, isn't there?
* **P****i****n**: Hi, um, Remote. Could I please—
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sure, take half my stuff. I'm done anyway.

[*Remote shows her B.B. essence to Barf Bag. It is made out of macaroni.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: My essence of you is in the form of pasta.
* **P****i****n**: You made a macaroni Barf Bag?
* **Barf** **Bag**: Cannelloni, macaroni, whatever it is, I like it. Remote, you're free to go.
* **Boo****m** **M****ic**: Safe travels!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yay.

[*Remote goes, but stops herself.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wait, Pin, where is Black Hole?
* **P****i****n**: He let me go ahead as the one who found Marker.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: He is such a gentle space phenomenon.
* **P****i****n**: I know, right? [*nudges her*] He's perfect for you!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oig.

[*Exit.*]

* **P****i****n**: [*to the others*] She loves him. She really loves him.
* **Ice Cube**: When I see love, I know it.
* **Bracel****ety**: And I know ***ICE CUBE!***
* **Boo****m** **M****ic**: And I know ***BRACELETYYYYYY!***
* **[** **Bracel****ety** · **Boo****m** **M****ic** **]**: ***YAAAAAAAAAAAY!***
* **Barf** **Bag**: [*scoffs*] I knew I should have taken the tug-of-war challenge.

#### Station #7 (PC)

[*At the seventh station, the cassette player continues to play Nickel and Cloudy's sad song. Cloudy looks particularly soulful during this.*]

* **Cloudy**: It's so hard not to cry at something like this!
* **Nic****k****el**: Even though Balloony's a few stations next to us? Come on, man!
* **Cloudy**: I can't help it!

[*Enter* **Pencil**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Whoa.
* **Cloudy**: Don't mind us, we were just...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, whatever. You say I've got to put an end to the unceasing laughter? I'm not usually good at this sort of thing, but from the looks of you two it might be well easier than I thought.
* **Nic****k****el**: Yeah, you don't have to do anything. In fact, we, um, prefer you don't do anything.
* **P****e****nci****l**: But I've got something to say. [*points at Rocky*] That rock is nothing more than a charity case who makes people from my vicinity look like utter chiz, and I'm not surprised that hardly anybody does anything about it.

[*Exit* **Pencil**, *with her head held high. Rocky continues to smile.*]

* **Cloudy**: Don't listen to her desinvolted comments, Rocky.
* **Nic****k****el**: Yeah, she's stupid.

[*Nickel picks up Rocky.*]

* **Roc****ky**: [*vomiting in Pencil's direction*] Bulleh!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*off-screen*] Oi!

#### Station #9 (RE, PI)

[*Enter* **Remote** *and* **Pin** *together, talking.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I'm not surprised Barf Bag didn't like your essence.
* **P****i****n**: I only made it in, like, three seconds.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Mee-yeah.

[*She and Pin notice the others:* **Discy** *and* **Foldy**, *who is holding onto* **Stape-O**. *They are standing next to a large pile of rods on which various famous works of art are painted, a part of the ninth challenge. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1975**

* **D****i****s****c****y**: The contest's really self-explanatory. Whether you choose to do it or not... ♫ it's *your* prerogative! ♫
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What?
* **P****i****n**: Huh?
* **D****i****s****c****y**: I was trying to wake you up a little with a song. [*turns to Foldy*] And by *you* I mean *Foldy and her massive body pillow lover!*
* **F****old****y**: [*gets up*] Are you talking to me or him? [*presses a button on Stape-O*]
* **St****ap****e****-****O**: *Je t'aime, mon amour...* Fooooldyyyy.
* **F****old****y**: He speaks French now.

[*Discy scoffs and rolls her eyes.*]

* **D****i****s****c****y**: Anyway, if you need any help making a pentagon, I can give you a hint: it's got the same number of sides as there were members of New E-dish-on.
* **[** **P****i****n** · **R****e****m****ot****e** **]**: Done!

[*They show Discy their equilateral pentagons. Remote accidentally drops hers on the ground, causing it to break.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh no.

[*Exit* **Pin**, *subtly.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*wagging her finger at her, going*] I saw that, Pin.

#### Station #10 (PI → RE)

[*Enter* **Pin** *in a scene that is a much simplified version of the tenth episode: numerous small carrier bags are scattered around this part of the track, guarded by* **Cake**, **CofTaVor**, **Eo** *and* **Gat**. *The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1976**

* **P****i****n**: [*reading*] Whoa, that's different.
* **Eo**: You really expected us to put those giant-axe team cabins up here? /s
* **C****a****ke**: Pin!
* **P****i****n**: Hi, Cake!
* **C****a****ke**: I heard you mention me from Station #2.
* **P****i****n**: Then you have very good hearing.
* **C****a****ke**: Want me to do your challenge for you?
* **P****i****n**: Thanks, but—

[*Cake giggles and chucks his bag off the raised track.*]

* **C****a****ke**: *Nyah!*
* **Eo**: Nice!
* **P****i****n**: I'm surprised you did that, Cake. We haven't spoken to each other since BFB!
* **C****a****ke**: Anything for a friend. And besides, we found these bags at our station when we got here. I'm almost sure they're full of nothing.

[*CofTaVor opens his bag and finds a Walkman inside.*]

* **Cof****Ta****Vor**: Hey, I never knew Two had a giveable supply of portable music players! Look at what I've got, mates!
* **G****a****t**: [*holding up an NES console*] I could use this for my house!

[*Cake blushes in embarrassment.*]

* **C****a****ke**: Oh, shoot. With my luck I probably threw away a free trip to Kokomo, wherever that is.

[**Pin** *shrugs. Exit. At the same time, enter* **Remote**.]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What did I miss?

#### Station #11 (PI)

[**Pin** *moves on to the next mini-challenge: it is an oratory, as in TPOT 11. She is met with* **Lightning**, **Pillow** *and* **Rublock**, *and the nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1976**

* **P****i****n**: Hey, now this is a challenge I can do off the top of my head!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: You and I both. Can you still remember the old Vietnamese poetry thing you recited?
* **P****i****n**: Yep. And do you remember what you read in Irish?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: I do!
* **Ru****block**: Ooh, if I were doing this challenge, I'd probably read something in Spanish.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: That's right, you come from Cuba, yeah?
* **Ru****block**: Can you cross the Iron Curtain?
* **P****i****n**: Uh, Coiny says it would hurt a lot, but yeah.
* **Pill****ow**: Oh, how comforting it is to be surrounded by this gang of polyglots. Me, I am a mere pillow-glot.

[*Silence.*]

* **Pill****ow**: How beautiful. You can even speak silence.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: So let us hear what you've got to say, Pin.
* **Ru****block**: Yeah, let us hear!
* **P****i****n**: [*humbled*] Okay!

[*Pin clears her throat and begins to recite the same excerpt from* The Tale of Kieu *that she recited in the original episode.*]

* **P****i****n**: *Trăm năm trong cõi người ta...*

#### Station #9 (PC)

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*nearly out of breath*] That... was difficult. Can you believe I actually tried to make Barf Bag? I barely know her, much less like her!
* **F****old****y**: Welcome to your ninth challenge! [*Aside.*] I did say it right, didn't I?
* **D****i****s****c****y**: Mm, almost passable.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Alright, what do I do?
* **F****old****y**: Pentagon.

[*Pencil points at Foldy.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: There, I see one, may I go now?
* **D****i****s****c****y**: Not until you make one out of these.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, come on, you're acting like a camp counsellor with a doctorate in arts and crafts.
* **D****i****s****c****y**: Easy there, sister.

[*Pencil grabs a painted rod and throws it in Foldy's direction. It hits Stape-O, which causes him to sing.*]

* **St****ap****e****-****O**: ♫ *Non ne crois plus revenir dans ma vie, non, non!* ♫

[*Pencil looks at Stape-O in shock—that is the same song the Pen plushie sang, but in French.*]

## Subplot, part 2

### **Outside Anchor's RaB (Rent-a-Boatservice)**

**Scene**Enter **Pen** and **the kids** in front of an isolated log cabin by the same lake as in TPOT 26, which somehow has glass windows and a sign that reads "ANCHOR'S RAB". Pen is the last to arrive on the scene—he is pulling on Soniri's cot with a leash.
* **P****en**: Whoo! [*wipes the sweat off his brow*] This is it, gang.
* **Y****es****a**: I could hear you struggling the whole time. You need a little help there?
* **P****en**: No, but thanks for offering... some of you. [*sits down*]
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): No problem!

[**Zira** *skips to the shore, where* **Sol**, **Max** *and* **Sam** *are playing.*]

* **P****en**: Boy, it's a good thing Eraser let me keep my collar and leash.
* **Y****es****a**: Sorry about earlier, Pen, but I was trying to help Ita with her exacrisis.
* **P****en**: That sounds like a disease!
* **O****is** (Lou): Exacrisis. It's teen talk.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): It's like a gigacrisis, but a billion times worse.
* **P****en**: Uh-huh...
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Give me a break, Pen. I just wanted to know if the angle of my eyelashes matches the angle of my cap scrunchie.

[*Pen falls tiredly to the ground. He gets up as soon as he hears the younger kids starting to argue.*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Stop splashing me, Max!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Hey, it was Sol's idea!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Yeah, maybe the lake's full of chemicals that can turn you less weird!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): [*splashes him*] Shut up, huh?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Now you're splashing!
* **P****en**: *EY, YO, YOU THREE PLAY NICE DOWN THERE!*
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): [*off-screen*] But playing nice ruins the fun!
* **P****en**: *STOP THAT OR I'LL CALL YOUR MOTHER!*

[*Sol, Max and Sam immediately stop. Pen sighs.*]

* **P****en**: Yesa, can you please watch the little ones? I need to go in and rent a big, family-sized boat.
* **Y****es****a**: Whose family is it? /j
* **P****en**: It's— [*looks up to think*] Y'know, I'm not really sure.

[*Yesa and Ita laugh. Pen quietly joins them.*]

* **P****en**: What are we talking about again?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*Aside, to Yesa.*] I love watching him get confused!
* **Y****es****a**: Alright, Pen. I mean, if I can raise this brood by myself for three years, then what's another ten minutes?
* **P****en**: [*confidently*] Ten thousand seconds.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Ooh, may I come too, Mr. Schreiber? I'm more of an inside kind of person.
* **P****en**: I'm terribly sorry, Ivo, but I'd better go in alone. A boat rental, that's no place for a kid.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): I'm not a kid! If you married your reflection and raised me from birth, I would have had a bar mitzvah three years ago! [*Pause.*] Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I'll stay out here. But only because I'm not a social person either.
* **P****en**: That's my boy, social like his old man! [*pats him on the back; to the others*] See you in a few with the boat, eh?
* **O****is** (Lou): Bye!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): See you soon!

[**Pen** *goes into the cabin.*]

* **O****is** (Lou): Hey, Ita, Yesa, Ivo, come here. Zira, you too!
* **R****h****oza**: I'm Rho, hon.
* **O****is** (Lou): Sorry, I can't tell from here.
* **R****h****oza**: Does Zira chant to herself? [*Beat.*] That was a bad question, of course she does.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): What is it, Lou?
* **O****is** (Lou): I don't want to be here. It's bad enough I skipped class today to spend a day with my family. Do you guys want to sneak out and live in the woods?
* **Y****es****a**: Nine technology-obsessed young people *and* a baby in "the crib of the '90s" move into an ancient forest that until last year wasn't even on our mental maps. What the hell could possibly go wrong? /s
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): They could do a TV show about us.
* **R****h****oza**: Our plastics could end up in the throat of some wild animal.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): And they could do a TV show about that.
* **O****is** (Lou): Nah, I changed my mind. I'm not in the mood for causing death.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Why don't we just go home?
* **Y****es****a**: Ita's right. We're obviously not having much fun out here with Mr. Adult Supervision. Yeah, let's go back to the Fove.
* **R****h****oza**: This is so exciting! Finally, we're breaking out of this prison! You don't know how much I *hate* being trapped in this tiny space!

[*View of the great outdoors—not a tiny space at all.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Okay, I'll go tell the others. You guys figure out a plan and/or what to tell Pen when he shows up.

[*Exit* **Yesa** *to the shore.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): You really think we can find out way back to the flat?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): They don't call me Ivjær the Eerie Area Orienteer for nothing.
* **R****h****oza**: That's 'cos they'd have to pronounce it first.

## Contest, part 3

#### Station #11 (PI → RE → BH, RE)

* **P****i****n**: *Trời xanh quen với má hồng đánh ghen.*

[*After a second of silence, Lightning claps while Rublock (being armless) stamps her feet and Pillow blinks repeatedly. Pin bows.*]

* **P****i****n**: Thank you! That really went better than I thought, you know.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Of course it did. Come now, Pin, you're free to move on!
* **P****i****n**: Yes!

[*Exit* **Pin**. *Enter* **Remote**.]

* **Pill****ow**: Remote, I can see you clearly.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Chiz, I never did this challenge.
* **Ru****block**: Do you speak any other language?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Does binary count?

[*Enter* **Black Hole**.]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: There you are, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hi.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I thought we agreed to meet at Station #7.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We did, but... I guess I don't know my own speed. Breezed through the last few mini-challenges like a breeze. Sorry.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Aeh. I forgive you. The next station looks like something, we should try together.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*waving*] How's 'bout ye, Black Hole?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh. Hi, Lightning, and friends.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Do you speak binary?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Huh?

[*Rublock *elbows* him.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: That was a bollixed question; never mind.
* **Pill****ow**: Who knew you'd all be so sensitive about *language?* [*cackles*]

#### Station #12 (PI)

[**Pin** *moves along the track and finds herself standing at the site of the twelfth challenge, right next to* **Robot Flower**. **Noron** *and* **Pherre** *stand behind her.* **Long Cable, Folded Up** *is also present, currently held by Robot Flower. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1976**

* **P****i****n**: Oof. No offence, RF, but I remember facing you with the other team8s, and you were kind of scary.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Don't worry, I won't be part of this one, honest to Tokyo!

[*Robot Flower drops Long Cable, Folded Up.*]

* **Lo****ng** **Cable,** **Folded** **Up**: That didn't hurt. /s
* **Pherre**: When I found out she's been the undisputed tug-a-war champ for thirteen years, I stripped her of her powers!
* **Nor****on**: She means it literally.
* **Pherre**: I really don't.
* **Nor****on**: She really doesn't.
* **Pherre**: Hey, L.C., you ready?
* **Lo****ng** **Cable,** **Folded** **Up**: Yep!

[*Noron grabs one end of Long Cable, Folded Up, and Pin grabs the other. They pull.*]

#### Station #11 (BH, RE)

* **[** **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e** · **R****e****m****ot****e** **]**: [*reciting*] **[** والسيف والرمح والقرطاس والقلم. [*"Wassayf warrumh wal-qirtaas wal-qalam"*] · Zero. Zero. One. **]**
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*applauds*] That was lovely!
* **Ru****block**: And it was really nice how you came in with all those zeros and ones, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What can I say? Black Hole loves reciting tenth-century Arabic poems; I love modernizing them.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: You may move on now, beatniks!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Thanks.

[*Exeunt.*]

* **Ru****block**: That was a "bollixed" fad, *Leoncico*.

[*Lightning bursts into laughter at Rublock's using a word from his neck of the woods.*]

#### Station #13 (PI)

[*Still in first place*, **Pin** *comes across the thirteenth challenge, which suddenly takes place in a huge sand pit. She encounters* **Eggy**, **Snare Drum** *and* **Yod**. *The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1977**

* **P****i****n**: [*reading to herself*] In the endless... sand—
* **E****g****gy**: Oh, it's not endless.
* **P****i****n**: I can see that, heheh.
* **E****g****gy**: Because *clearly* the folks at the next station want their weird-looking courtroom to be in perfect condition!
* **Vi****hep****sis**: [*from the next station*] Hey, we worked really hard on this!
* **G****at****y**: [*to Eggy*] We really didn't.
* **E****g****gy**: *Cheeuh, I sure can tell!*
* **S****aw**: No need to yell, Eggy!
* **S****nare Dru****m**: [*annoyed*] Only I should be loud around here!
* **E****g****gy**: And is that in the book of rules?
* **S****nare Dru****m**: No, but... I thought it was worth saying.
* **P****i****n**: [*drawing something in the sand*] You and me both, Yod.
* **Y****o****d**: What?
* **P****i****n**: Never mind, that was SD talking. Names. Now, how did Coiny draw that horrible version of himself again?

#### Station #11 (PC)

* **P****e****nci****l**: Last one here. In case you lot couldn't tell, my mini-challenge record is nothing if not perfect. /s
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Hello, Pencil! What piece of non-English lit have you got for us today?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh. [*Beat.*] I'm not quite sure.
* **Ru****block**: [*Aside.*] And you wonder why she's in last place.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, considering how we're on Two-controlled property at the moment, I suppose I can read an excerpt from... [*sheepishly*] a play that I have once heard was penned by some of my father's favourite writers, Ngũgĩ wa Thiong'o and Ngugi wa Mirii, called *Ngaahika Ndeenda*.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: I've no idea what that means, but that was beautiful!
* **Ru****block**: Excellent pronounciation!
* **Pill****ow**: You may move on.
* **P****e****nci****l**: But I haven't even sta... Oh, whatever. I tried. I really did.

[*Exit.*]

#### Station #14 (PI)

[**Pin** *finally reaches the fourteenth station, where she encounters* **Gaty**, **Saw** *and* **Vihepsis**. *The first looks serious, the second tries to keep her composure and the third looks like she just does not want to be there. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1977**

* **G****at****y**: Okay, Pin, I'm sure you remember being here.
* **P****i****n**: Not exactly. What do I have to do?

[*Gaty indicates the sign with her leg.*]

* **S****aw**: Good job, Gaty!
* **P****i****n**: Oh. Yeah. Right. Well, all I remember is that Lightning killed Snowball on the Ides of March and we all disagreed at first until he started shouting that he did it.
* **G****at****y**: That's right! You may now move on to the next stage—station—whatever.
* **P****i****n**: Wait, which Ides of March was it?

#### Station #13 (BH, RE → RE)

[**Black Hole** *and* **Remote** *work on their drawings. Of the two, Remote is more "into" her work; Black Hole is trying to draw something very carefully but cannot.*]

* **E****g****gy**: Don't mess up!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wouldn't think of it.
* **Y****o****d**: Yeah, who knows where Two gets their sand! Do they generate it in their stomach?

[*Remote pauses for a second.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't want to think of it.
* **S****nare Dru****m**: How are you doing there, Black Hole?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Not very good. I feel, like if I get any closer to this sand, I might—

[*As Black Hole approaches the sand, he accidentally sucks it all up. All step back except Remote, who guards her creation.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Uh-oh, save Remote's drawing.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No one is coming between you and that. But me.
* **E****g****gy**: You guys sound so impassioned. /s

[*By now, Black Hole has sucked up nearly all the sand.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ut. [*Beat.*] Now what do I do?
* **E****g****gy**: Well, it says here I have to send you back to the starting line.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: All by yourself?
* **E****g****gy**: No, but if I can't do it, then—

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what goes on here then?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I accidentally sucked up most of the sand, that was meant to be used for the contest.
* **E****g****gy**: Dude, you don't have to confess! We're on your side, purportedly.
* **Two**: You do know what this means, though, right, Black Hole?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes.

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two** *with* **Black Hole** *"on" them, a bit like Match in TPOT 39.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What, no goodbye?
* **E****g****gy**: Men.

#### Station #15 (PI → PI, RE)

[**Pin** *gets to the fifteenth challenge, where she sees* **Grassy**, **Hullopsis**, **Oildrop** *and* **Protactinium**. *They are all dressed as obscure fruits.*]

* **P****i****n**: This seems kind of weird.
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy knew someone was going to say something like that!
* **Oildrop**: Hey, Pin!
* **P****i****n**: Hi, TD's cousin!

[*The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1978**

* **P****i****n**: [*reading*] ... about a Fruituit. So let me guess: you're pretending to be Fruituits and you want me to ask you a question, so I gain another little piece of knowledge about you guys, right?
* **Hullopsis**: I told you this was an abnormal mini-challenge. [*sigh*] But still, Pin, feel free to AMA.
* **P****i****n**: What?
* **Oildrop**: Ask us anything.
* **P****i****n**: Hmm... [*thinking*] Wait, wouldn't that be "AUA"?
* **Gra****ssy**: Yes!
* **P****rotac****tini****um**: Congratulations, Pin! I can't get too close to you lest I make you glow, like, thirty challenges too early, but... you've learned something new here and you can move on.
* **P****i****n**: It's that easy, huh!

[*Enter* **Remote**.]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What's happening?
* **Oildrop**: We're pretending to be Fruituits and you can ask us any question you want.
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy thinks Remote has already fulfilled her requirement for this mini-challenge, by asking what's happening!

[**Remote** *grabs* **Pin** *by the shoulder—exeunt together, laughing.*]

* **Hullopsis**: There goes the two smartest challengers yet.
* **Oildrop**: *Oui*, no wonder they have made it far.

#### Station #14 (PC)

[**Pencil** *is out of breath, having played Robot Flower in the tug-of-war challenge at the station before the last (despite her promise that she wouldn't play any Contestant).*]

* **G****at****y**: Well, well, well, hello... Penc-penc.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hullo, postwoman Gate.
* **S****aw**: Hey, that's a cool name!
* **G****at****y**: I'll probably be known as that for the rest of my life. [*to Pencil*] Okay, let's cut to the chase, Pencil. It's about your mini-challenge.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, I've got a question about that: What the hell *is* it?
* **G****at****y**: That's right, you weren't there to hear about the Snowball murder of '77.
* **S****aw**: Weren't you in the Atlantic Ocean back then?
* **P****e****nci****l**: In '77, and in '78 and '79 and '80... you get the picture, don't you?
* **S****aw**: Yeah, you missed, like, most of *Love Boat*!

[*Silence.*]

* **G****at****y**: Well, this is awkward. I'm vowed to silence.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't fret, at least I come with the skills needed to guess who put a timely end to that ball. It's got to be a person, innit?
* **G****at****y**: You and Match may be like us in an utterly eerie way, but I can't say more unless you be more specific.

## Subplot, part 3

### **Outside Anchor's RaB**

**Scene**The **kids** are outside the boat livery while **Pen** is inside the building. He can be seen from outside because the windows are made of glass.
* **O****is** (Lou): Okay, Ivor, you know which way to go, right?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Please, call me by my real title.
* **O****is** (Lou): Ivjær the Eerie Area Orar—Orer—Orienteër—Orienteerer.

[*The kids all laugh.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Now that wasn't so hard, was it?
* **O****is** (Lou): Think I'd rather call you Ivo like Pen does.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Sure, Lewis, be wrong. I can take it. [*to the others*] 'Kay, people, I'll lead the way.
* **Y****es****a**: Wait, let me hold Sonny's cage, er, crib.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Nice slip-up. /s Free every baby so they don't have to make a charity song about it!

[*Yesa picks up* **Soniri** *in his cot.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Now are we ready?
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): *Waaaaaait!*
* **R****h****oza**: Oh, Triple Goddess, Zira, don't tell me you found a snail and want to raise it.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): No, not this time! [*Pause.*] I was thinking... Do we have to go home? I mean, think of all the trouble Pen went to just to get us here.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): He walked in a straight line, dragging Sonny's cot with him as if it were a furry companion. I've seen bland TV families go through tougher times.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Yeah, b- but when he comes out here and sees we've all gone, he'll be so sad and want to leave us again! Don't make me do this, will you, guys?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): [*scoffs*] Well, I'm going. I still have food on the table.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): You didn't put it in the fridge? Eww, grody!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): It's an expanding pie, Ita. You know, the kind that gets bigger if you don't eat it right away.

[*All make an audible cringing noise.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): In that case, let's run.

[*Incipiunt ire omnes. Ivor looks back into the cabin and sees* **Pen** *turn around.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): No, no, no, no, why's he turning around?

[*Pen smiles at them.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): And now he's smiling!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Look away, *look away!*
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): If that don't work, tell him we're marching to Pillow Abdul.

[*Pen reaches out his hand and beckons the children in. As he keeps smiling, he also puts his weapon-like eyebrows to use: instead of being in their default position (a completely straight line like this:* 一*), they point upwards, similar to the katakana* ハ.]

* **R****h****oza**: Uh-oh, Zira, you've got a little competition.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): What? [*looks inside*] Oh no, he's doing... he's doing...
* **R****h****oza**: That stupid "sympathy eyebrow" thing you do whenever you want something.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): And you always get what you want.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Don't hate me 'cause I'm still cute.
* **O****is** (Lou): Well, now we know where it comes from.

[*Zira facepalms.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Come on, let's just give in and get this day over with.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Why don't we just knock him out?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Soldaar Vincent!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): It's not like he's going to sleep long! I'm a kid, not Spruce Lee!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): S.V., we do *not* render family members unconscious!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): [*scoffs*] Sorry.

[*Ivor backs the entire group up.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Well, we can't go in anyway. Schreiber said the boat rental's no place for someone like me.
* **Y****es****a**: You got that from a bloke who thinks $8 is enough to buy a cake for 10. Unless there's a sign in there that says "Strictly no gay navigators", I think you'll be fine. Now march on, my gallant crew!

[*The* **kids** *groan and complain together as they walk towards the building.*]

### **Anchor's Rent-a-Boatservice**

**Scene**The interior of Anchor's boat rental cabin. **Pen** wordlessly calls his **kids** over to join him in the queue. Standing behind the counter is **Anchor** (failed TPOT débuter), who stands next to a grand display of boats, all in the form of multicoloured rafts.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): [*looking around, relieved*] No sign here.
* **P****en**: Ah, you're here! This is Anchor Marino, gang; he's in charge of the boat rentals.

[*Soni exspectati of salutation.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): 'Sup, Marino.

[*Anchor begins to speak. It seems as if his previous voice, a very affected urban Italian-American accent, has been replaced by a completely different one. It almost sounds like his voice actor was told to record some lines that only sound like English when reversed.*]

* **Anch****or**: Nothing much.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): [*Aside.*] Pen, why does he talk funny?
* **P****en**: It's 'cause he's American, Sam.
* **Anch****or**: That's right, I'm from Erie, [*points at Pen*] Pen... sylvania! Now, who are yinz guys?
* **P****en**: This is Yesa, my oldest, and these are Louie, Ivo, Ita, Rhoza, Zira, Maxi, Sollie and Sam. Not in that order. [*laughs and points into the cot*] This little guy is Sonny.
* **Anch****or**: Aww, Sonny, the perfect name for your son. [*shows Pen his family photo*] My three boys: Travis, Ben and Chad. Her indoors was Linda Jo. We're divorced, and I'm not exactly the happiest camper about it, if you get my drift. [*leans in and whispers*] Don't tell anyone this, but I cry in my sleep.
* **P****en**: No way, you got a son named Ben? That's *awesome!*

[*Anchor looks at Pen as if he completely missed the point.*]

* **Anch****or**: Yeah, it is. He got into 🅱️enn State on a football scholarship, just like his dad.
* **P****en**: By golly, you must be so proud.
* **Anch****or**: Yep. Next to a free market economy, sports is *life*, bro.
* **P****en**: You got that right!

[*They fist bump.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Excuse me, um, respectable and revered gentlemen, /s but... when may we go boating?
* **P****en**: In a minute, Ivo. First we gotta do something important.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): You're not going to bump fists again, are you?
* **P****en**: No, this is *super* important.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Oh, well, if it's "super important", we'd better shut up and listen. /s

[*Silence, as all turn to Anchor.*]

* **Anch****or**: [*excited*] Who wants to get weighed?
* **Y****es****a**: Who wants *what?*
* **Anch****or**: Sorry, Schreiber. Knew all along your folks wouldn't find it that exciting.
* **P****en**: Oh, they'll do it, I can promise you that.
* **Anch****or**: [*nods once*] Terrific. I'll get everything ready.

[**Anchor** *goes to the room in the back of the cabin.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): What the frick, Pen? I refuse to do a bogus weigh-in!
* **Y****es****a**: Take a chill pill, Cillita, you're acting like when we were part of that science experiment. [*Beat. She looks at Pen.*] This was before you came into the picture.
* **P****en**: My kids are scientists? That's so *cool!*

[*Yesa facepalms. Sam tugs on Pen's hand.*]

* **P****en**: Yeah, son?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Why do we have to get weighed? Are we playing boxing?
* **P****en**: Let me tell ya 'bout the law, Sam. [*crouches down*] While you guys were outside, Anchor told me something about boating here: Every kid who rides in a boat has to prove they're light enough to float in the water. If they're too dense, they need to put on a life jacket. [*looks up*] I'd look swell in a life vest, don't you think, gang?

[*Ita screams out for half a second and bites her fist in horror.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Just great, my twin sister's aghast and the rest of us are getting lectured by Judge Harry T. Stone. /s

[*Enter* **Anchor**.]

* **Anch****or**: Okay, Pen and family, it's all set!

[*The kids all look at one another and then at Pen, who turns to the mirror and smiles at his reflection.*]

## Contest, part 4

#### Station #16 (PI, RE → PI)

[**Pin** *and* **Remote** *are at the sixteenth station, crewed by* **David**, **Shampoo** *and* **Birthdaigny**, *who are circling four circles of clutter in the middle of the track. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1978**

* **P****i****n**: Clean your circle, huh?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: If only Black Hole were here.

[*Pin and Remote start picking up the things at their station.*]

* **David**: Aww, seriously?
* **S****h****amp****o****o**: Yeah, I think it's true.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What's true?

[*Birthdaigny signs: "Are you in love?"*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes. No. Um. Can I be done now?
* **S****h****amp****o****o**: Sure, we're not the ones giving points. Ah, but all this reminds me of Nickel. Do you know how many lines he had in this episode?
* **P****i****n**: A lot, I think.
* **S****h****amp****o****o**: *Eleven!* Can you believe that? Eleven! He should have had a thousand more!

[*Exit* **Remote**, *awkwardly.*]

* **P****i****n**: Wait, Remote, hold up for me!

#### Station #17 (RE → PI)

[**Remote** *enters the seventh mini-challenge where* **Coiny**, **Firey Jr.** *and* **Shopping Cart** *are currently standing. In the middle of the screen is a giant, hastily-inserted, black rectangle that is clearly meant to represent the censored bumper cars challenge of episode 17, blacked out in almost the same way. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1978**

* **Co****i****ny**: Remote, what's up?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Take me to the cars.

[*Firey Jr. picks up* **Remote** *and throws her behind the rectangle.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Ah, Firey Jr., it must be amazing to be you. You're short but strong.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: I can also be silent but deadly, so watch your back, Coiny.
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh dear!
* **Shop****ping Car****t**: You two fight like that old lady and the little kid who tried to steal her teddy bear.
* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **Fir****ey** **Jr****.** **]**: What?
* **Shop****ping Car****t**: It was on TV!

[*During this dialogue, we don't see what is going on inside the rectangle but can assume that a game of bumper cars is being played only by Remote—various carnival noises and cheering sounds can be heard. She then comes out of the censorship.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That was fun.
* **Shop****ping Car****t**: That's what everyone says!
* **Co****i****ny**: Alright!

[*Exit* **Remote**. *At the same time enter* **Pin**.]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Look who's coming, coin creature.
* **Co****i****ny**: Who? [*turns around*] Hey, Pin!
* **P****i****n**: Coiny!
* **Co****i****ny**: I want to tell you I'm not supposed to show any bias in any way, but... [*kisses her*]
* **P****i****n**: Isn't he sweet?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Yeah, that's unbiased. /s Surprised you didn't make that a campaign slogan: "Thousand points of *smut!*"
* **Shop****ping Car****t**: Aww, Firey Jr., are you jealous because you're in your twenties and don't even have a friend to sweep the supermarkets with?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: *No!* Gosh, you're weird!
* **Shop****ping Car****t**: [*Aside, almost giggling.*] Chh!
* **Co****i****ny**: Now, honey, I know how much you don't like bumper cars, so... how about I let you pass?
* **P****i****n**: Radical! Thanks, dear!
* **Co****i****ny**: See you on the other side!

[*Exit* **Pin**, *who discreetly walks around the censored rectangle to the next station. She tries not to look at Shopping Cart, who raises her eyebrow cheekily, and Firey Jr., who is not a happy person.*]

* **P****i****n**: Heheh, don't mind me.

#### Station #18 (PI, RE)

[*A similar version of* Two's Special Seventeenth Skirmish Show *(the challenge in episode 18), except updated a bit to fit the aesthetics of the time,* i.e.*, circles everywhere.* **Remote** *is already present, trying not to talk to the contestant helpers:* **Camera**, **Gogmatics' Handbook**, **Selinur** *and* **Unrelated Two Jr.** *The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1978**

[*Enter* **Pin**.]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh, thank goodness, I thought I was going to have to do this all alone.
* **P****i****n**: Never fear, I'm here! [*realizing*] These people aren't really stars, are they?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No clue.
* **C****am****er****a**: Hate to interrupt you ladies like this, but just so you know: we appeared in *some* episodes. Maybe not every episode, like all y'all have, but enough for people to remember our names!
* **Gogmatic****s' H****andbook**: That's right! [*Beat.*] What's your name again?

[*Camera does the specialized version of a facepalm: a "shutter-blink".*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Look, we don't have much time.
* **C****am****er****a**: Okay, I'll talk super fast then! [*reading from a card*] "Two is such a convincing leader—"
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: How convincing are they?
* **C****am****er****a**: Well, I'll tell you how convincing they are. "They brought peace to Europe just by using their *blank*."

[*Seventies game show music plays in the background. Lots of "wah"-ing guitars, something that is certainly outdated by now.*]

* **C****am****er****a**: Don't think too slowly; we already have our answers. Right, guys?
* **Unrelated Two Jr.**: Yeah!
* **C****am****er****a**: How say you, Pin? How exactly did Two bring peace to Europe?
* **P****i****n**: With their **Two-ness**.
* **C****am****er****a**: Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: **Power**.
* **C****am****er****a**: Stars?
* **P****i****n**: [*Aside, to Remote.*] Barely.
* **Gogmatic****s' H****andbook**: Oh, I said **recovery nostrils**.
* **Selinur**: **Power**.
* **Unrelated Two Jr.**: **Two-ness**!
* **C****am****er****a**: And along you go, you two!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes.
* **P****i****n**: Thanks, and sorry for not calling you guys stars earlier!

[*Exeunt.*]

#### Station #1 (BH)

[**Hotel Bell** *and* **Urhixidur** *are taking a nap.* **Eraser** *and* **Basketball** *are relaxing, still awake next to them.*]

* **Eraser**: I need to sleep. Not 'cause of peer pressure, but I just want to catch some zeds.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Why don't you fall asleep on the chair? It's not like we have to do anything for the rest of the challenge.
* **Eraser**: Nah, I don't wanna. Too lazy to do anything.

[*Eraser tries to get up, but when he touches the chair again, he immediately falls asleep and snores.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Is he for real?

[*Enter* **Black Hole**.]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, hi, Black Hole.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Don't mind me, just passing by.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Right-o!

#### Station #14 (PC)

* **P****e****nci****l**: Alright, was the murderer a female?
* **G****at****y**: No.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Was it male?
* **G****at****y**: Yes, be more specific.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Come on, give me another hint!
* **S****aw**: You'll have to think of it yourself! Those are the rules, you know.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*scoffs long*] Did the male murderer's name begin with a letter of the alphabet?
* **G****at****y**: What do you think?
* **P****e****nci****l**: What if a competing clone of 8-Ball strayed onto the set the day you two hosted? I don't know, I couldn't be bothered to watch it!
* **G****at****y**: Just keep guessing.

[*Pencil sighs. A lightbulb then appears above her head, for she has come up with an idea.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: It was Lightning, wasn't it? I always knew those two had something going on.

[*Saw and Gaty look at each other,*]

#### Station #19 (PI, RE → PI)

* **P****i****n**: Looks like we're at the end of the act.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Good job.
* **P****i****n**: Do you think we have it in us to become an alliance?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Let me think about it.

[**Stapy** *clears his throat, catching their attention. Next to him stands* **Dollary**, *who is next to a flight of stairs leading to the next part of the contest, which represents the Second Hotel Era that began in episode 19. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1979**

* **St****a****py**: Does this contest seem familiar to you?
* **[** **P****i****n** · **R****e****m****ot****e** **]**: **[** I think so. · Yes. **]**
* **St****a****py**: Oh, good, then I don't have to explain it.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Well, I'm going upstairs.
* **Do****l****lar****y**: And I shall escort you.

[*Remote goes up the stairs; Dollary follows her. Once she is one floor up, she pauses and turns around.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Are you coming, possible temporary alliance member?
* **P****i****n**: I would, but... maybe there's a faster way up. I'm going inside.

[*Pin enters the miniature model of the Second Hotel, only to be grabbed by* **Rondipa**, *turned upside down and her point stuck to the ground, much like in the previous episode.*]

* **Do****l****lar****y**: Oh, that's an interesting picture.
* **St****a****py**: [*getting his YeFone out*] You don't mind if I capture this memory, do you, Pin?
* **P****i****n**: *Ack!* This happened two episodes too early!
* **Ron****di****pa**: Ha-ha!

[*Remote goes.*]

* **P****i****n**: I can see you walking away, Remote!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sorry, Pin, but I'd like to do this alone. At least until he comes.
* **P****i****n**: That, that's fair. You do that. [*to Rondipa*] Ow.
* **Ron****di****pa**: Sorry, but that action will probably get me famous on Indus-Gram.
* **P****i****n**: You're so '87!

#### Station #20 (RE)

[**Remote** *practically skips into the twentieth mini-challenge, which takes place in a replica of Two's gym back when it was still called "Two's gym".* **Hei** *and* **Lydia** *can be seen working out, while* **TV** *stands in place (as if preparing for something) and* **Invisible Tomato** *is invisible. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1979**

  Run around the building
**OR**
  lift the most weight
**OR**
  mimic TV's dance moves.

* **T****V**: Remote, what a pleasant surprise.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I could say the same to you, Paik.
* **T****V**: Funny you should say that, considering how after I was eliminated in this challenge you said: [*as Remote*] "Who are we talking about again?"

[*Silence. Remote looks a bit uncomfortable.*]

* **Invisible Tomato**: Ooooh, you just got *shamed!*
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You're not mad about something that happened ten years ago, are you?
* **T****V**: No way.
* **Hei**: Yay, they're friends again!
* **L****y****d****i****a**: I don't think they were ever really enemies.
* **T****V**: Anyway, which challenge do you choose?
* **L****y****d****i****a**: Bear in mind that after you choose a challenge, Remote, the others who come here after you may *not* choose the same one.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hem.

[*Remote pauses for a second.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think I'll play TV's game.
* **T****V**: Alright, here we go!

[*TV plays a very fast acid house song (as was popular in the late '80s) and Remote tries to mimic the moves of the simulated cube dancing on the screen.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: To think we did this to disco.

[*The music somehow spills over to the following scene.*]

#### Station #11 (BH)

* **Pill****ow**: I'll do whatever it takes to become it!
* **Ru****block**: That's right, *Paula*, follow your dreams of forming part of "The All-New Princess and the Pea".

[*Enter* **Black Hole**. *Lightning pogs.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Black Hole!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hi.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Did you die?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, I just forgot to close the fridge door in my flat. /s Sorry, I mean... I didn't die, but unfortunately I must go through every station once again.
* **Ru****block**: *¡Ay, pobrecico!*
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Don't you go through this one now!
* **Ru****block**: Yeah, already you made your speech.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Thanks, you two. Three, if you're still there, Pillow.
* **Pill****ow**: [*pointing to the sky*] Hey, there's that bird I thought was extinct! Score 5,000 for preventing death: P-I-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L...

[**Black Hole** **shrugs* and exits. Rublock elbows Pillow.*]

* **Pill****ow**: M-N-O-P.

## Subplot, part 4

### **Anchor's RaB**

**Scene**Back of the cabin, in a room called the "Weigh-ting Room". **Anchor** can be seen standing next to a large cup filled to the brim with water and with numbers running from the bottom, while **Pen** and **kids** sit in the chairs opposite the beaker. A ladder can be seen on the side of the beaker, leading to a springboard directly above it.
* **Anch****or**: Who wants to go first?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*raises her hand*] Me!

[*All gasp in surprise, except Anchor.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): What? I might as well get it over with, right?
* **Anch****or**: Step right up, uh... what's your name, dear?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Cillita Celestia Esther Rebecca Victoria Sarah Stephanie.
* **Anch****or**: That's a lot of names!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): She gets a new one at the drop of a cap. /s
* **Anch****or**: I'll just call you Pen's daughter.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*recoils*] Why not, like, leave me on a deserted island?
* **Anch****or**: Now, Pen's daughter... have you ever been placed inside a beaker?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): As a matter of fact, I have.
* **Anch****or**: Then you know what to do.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Like, totally!
* **Anch****or**: Okay then. I'll leave the scale to you then.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): 'Kay. [*nervously*] Watch this, guys!

[*Ita climbs the ladder and stands on the edge of the high jump.]*

* **P****en**: You got this!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): This is for not making the swim team!
* **Y****es****a**: Two years ago, Ita, let it go!

[*Ita jumps off the board and lands in the beaker, making a small splash.*]

* **P****en**: [*claps*] Eyyyy, you did it!
* **Anch****or**: Could you stay still for a few seconds?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*voice obscured by water*] Can I float up or do I have to be like this for a while?
* **Anch****or**: Oh, you can float up, by the way. Get some fresh air. Wouldn't want to end up sued, haha.

[*Silence. Only Sam laughs, but only out of sympathy.*]

* **Anch****or**: A little... boat renter's humour, that's all. All I have to do is measure the amount of water you've displaced and you'll be out of here faster than *Live-In*.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*coughing up water*] Ripper.

[*Anchor silently reads the numbers on the bottom of the beaker and goes to the computer in the corner of the room. He types in the numbers and does some calculations to measure Ita's density, muttering softly to himself the whole time.*]

* **Anch****or**: Aaaand... done!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): So I can get out?
* **Anch****or**: Sure thing.

[*Ita gives him a thumbs-up and gets out of the beaker, after which she climbs down the ladder and wipes herself with one of the towels on display. Zira gasps.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): You're not supposed to...
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Shh, it's on sale!
* **Anch****or**: Alright, all, I have the results for Cillita. She is un-dense, which means she doesn't need a life jacket. Okay, who's up ne— [*looks out the window*] Ò! Sorry, I'd better get that. *He's* back. [*going*]
* **P****en**: H'who... is he?
* **Anch****or**: Rusty, the only one who showed up today before you guys.

[*Exit.*]

### **Outside**

**Scene****Anchor** goes outside and sees **Rusty Coin** pulling a small grey boat (which he owns) up to the shore. Crowd sounds can be heard in the background.
* **Anch****or**: Eyy, Coin, you done already?
* **R****u****s****ty C****oi****n**: Yeah. I might have indigestion.
* **Anch****or**: An antacid will do you good, bro.
* **R****u****s****ty C****oi****n**: It should, bro. [*pats Anchor on the back*] Anyway, that's not why I'm ending my sailing time early.
* **Anch****or**: Should be. I don't want this lake filled with your vomit. What would Eight-ward Abbey say?
* **R****u****s****ty C****oi****n**: Water, water, water? Ha-*ha*, I crack myself up! No, I'm actually going to the Fove 'cause I heard they're filming the last TPOT challenge today. You should hear the rabble out here. If I had ears, I'd have lost 'em!

[*Anchor facepalms.*]

* **Anch****or**: So that's why nobody came to my shop today! God, I feel like a motherfrickin' fool!
* **R****u****s****ty C****oi****n**: Hey, don't you have to be on set? Help the contestants and all that.
* **Anch****or**: [*cringing*] You're adding salt to the wound, Rusty. Salt to the wound. Chiz, if Two finds me absent, who knows what they're gonna do to a guy like me.
* **R****u****s****ty C****oi****n**: What more can a divorced, middle-aged drag device go through?
* **Anch****or**: Touché, man. Let's go.
* **R****u****s****ty C****oi****n**: Yep.

[*Rusty Coin throws his boat on top of a nearby tree.*]

* **R****u****s****ty C****oi****n**: You lock up?
* **Anch****or**: Nah, I'd better do that.

### **Anchor's RaB**

**Scene****Pen** and **kids** look up as they see (and very slightly hear) **Anchor** and **Rusty** talking and on their way back to the Fovitwe. They all get up, alarmed. Soni exspectati.
* **P****en**: What is he doing?
* **R****h****oza**: Hmm. looks like he's telling Rusty "hats, hats, hats".
* **P****en**: Aww, I knew I'd forgotten my captain's hat! It would have made me look awesome.
* **Y****es****a**: Erm, Pen? [*pointing at the door*] We've got bigger issues.
* **O****is** (Lou): Yeah. Much bigger.

[**Anchor** *quickly locks the door without looking in. Exit hastily, with* **Rusty Coin**. *The family all exchange glances.*]

* **P****en**: I know what to do.
* **O****is** (Lou): What's that?
* **P****en**: ***HEEEEEEELP!*** [*snaps his fingers once*] Darn it, bet he can't even hear us.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Oh no, are we in trouble?
* **P****en**: No, Sam, it's all just one silly little mistake, made by someone who's not me this time, as a matter of fact. Heheh. Yeah, no, we are not in trouble.

[*Soniri begins to cry for unrelated reasons.*]

* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Care to revise that statement or should I?

Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Deleted scenes (from the first half)

	+ That's right; Blocky was supposed to appear in this episode as a guest star (this was thought up in March, by the way). He was deleted after I realized I had too many characters speaking during the contest scenes.
	+ The "divorced character in the boathouse" stayed; he just became Anchor.
* While Match was yelling at Pen for seemingly "abandoning" his family, I was going to include a flashback of the last time Match spoke to her biological father after he left (on the phone, right before BFB) before he died in 1970. It severely dampened the mood, and I didn't think it appropriate to put something so poignant amidst several comedic scenes, so I removed it from the episode altogether.
* Pencil was going to elaborate in the scene where Pen discovers that his plushie can talk. I didn't want him to seem too insecure or, oddly enough, canine.

**Pen Plushie**: *You were awesome!*
[*Pen gets up, startled.*]
**P****en**: Thought you said he wasn't a living being!
**P****e****nci****l**: He's not! I got some bloke down at the market to record lines for "you" and put it in him as a sort of sound box. Clever marketing, those plushies are.
**P****en**: But it—he—it sounds just like me! [*presses the sound button again*]
**Pen Plushie**: Nice goin', babe! [*press*] Cool! [*press*] I'm so vain, I bet I think this plushie's about me.
**P****en**: Really, Penc?
**P****e****nci****l**: That was when I wasn't really fond of you. Aye, I went to thirteen different shops before I gave up and found the only man in town with your exact consonants and vowels to lend me his voice.
**P****en**: Ah, interesting. [*Beat.*] Did he look like me?
**P****e****nci****l**: Pen...
**P****en**: I'm serious, Penc, the fella with my "voice", was he as handsome as me?
**P****e****nci****l**: No, he was actually rather plain-looking.
**P****en**: Good.
[*Beat.*]
**P****en**: Was he ug—
**P****e****nci****l**: Yes, Pen, he was so ugly that he shattered every mirror in his path.
**P****en**: Oh. Cool.
[*Beat.*]
**P****en**: And was he sh—
**P****e****nci****l**: Yes, he was short. Now drop it.
**P****en**: But—
**P****e****nci****l**: *Drop iiiit.*
**P****en**: Okay!
**P****e****nci****l**: Good boy. [*pats him on the cap*]
**P****en**: Awrf! [*smiles and pants*]

* The very end of the February scene was starting to make little sense to me until I rewrote it:

**P****en**: Aww, Penc, I want to come back! Rase is a horrible host!
**P****e****nci****l**: [*hugs him*] Oh, I knew you'd come through eventually! And you're right, the only thing Eraser deserves to host is a multitude of diseases.
**P****en**: That's so mean but it's so darn *true!* Oh, Pencil, let me back in!
**P****e****nci****l**: You kicked yourself out!
**Pen Plushie**: ♫ *I'm so vain...* ♫

* Shortly before Cake at Stake:

**Co****i****ny**: It is my civic duty as an American in the George Why-is-there-a-Bush-here era to watch Pin receive her Cake at Stake prize.
**Lin****co****l****n**: Then why do we have to go with you too?
**Co****i****ny**: It's your civic duty as well.
**Lin****co****l****n**: Aw, but I'm nineteen!
**L****i****s****a**: Yeah, and we're the kids of an immigrant!
**Co****i****ny**: That, my children, is what makes our country beautiful.
[*Zoom in on Coiny's eye, from which a single tear falls—in its reflection a bald eagle can be seen.*]

* I didn't want too much dialogue in the Cake at Stake scene:

**Two**: If you choose Pencil to be safe, Golf Ball gets eliminated. If you choose Golf Ball, then *Pencil* has to go.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Are you saying I have to choose between my two best friends in the competition?
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well...
**Two**: No. That's not how I would have posited the situation to you, well, that's not how I'd have done it indeed! Don't think of this as choosing between two people!
**R****e****m****ot****e**: But that's kind of what it is...
**P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside, to Golf Ball.*] Why do I feel we won't get anything done today?
**Golf Ball**: Just give these people time!

* What the hell is he saying? I think I wrote this scene in reverse:

**O****is** (Lou): Like you!
**P****en**: Right you are, I *am* Greek, and so are you!
[*Pen nudges the shoulder of Lou, who giggles before turning to Ivor and Max with a what-the-hell-is-he-saying look on his face.*]
**M****a****xin****e** (Max): [*deadpan*] Opa.
**P****en**: Say, did I hear you call this app thing Eris?
**T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Well, I don't call it that; that's just what the developers decided to call it.
**P****en**: *Eris*, I like that. It's Greek! Why, Eris was the one and only goddess of—
**R****h****oza**: Oh, Pen, we already know who she was the goddess of, right, guys?
[*Soni exspectati of agreement.*]
**T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Ah, well, I'm glad you appreciate my adding you.

* Alternate scene for when Pen's on "Eris":

**O****is** (Lou): So who's the mod?
**P****en**: The huh?
**O****is** (Lou): The mod!
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): Yeah, every server's got a moderator. Of course, I wouldn't know 'cos I never got invited.
**P****en**: Says here... [*clicks around the screen, revealing various features*] Whoa! [*eventually he ends up on the list of "currently available for chat"*] This mod-guy-fella, he's called... **EverGreener**. Hey, that's Tree's new name! I want to say hi to him on here!
**M****a****xin****e** (Max): Doesn't Tree, like, hate you?
**P****en**: You see, my dear, you're still living in 1986.
**M****a****xin****e** (Max): I don't even remember 1986!
**P****en**: Tree'd love to talk to me; we're *this* close! [*crosses his fingers*] Gee-whiz, I'd better start writing my message so I don't forget it! [*typing*] "Hi, guys, I might be fashionably late, but at least I'm fashionable!" Get it? 'Cause when people say they're fashionably late, it means they want to look like they've been doing—
**R****h****oza**: Yeah, we know what it means.
**Y****es****a**: We came into your life fashionably late, didn't we?
**O****is** (Lou): *Touché*, Yesa!
**Y****es****a**: Please, I ask for no prize.

* It's never too late for a Beach Boys reference! (One was moved to a later part of the challenge.)

**P****e****nci****l**: [*as she is getting thrown up the hotel*] Whee!
**Eraser**: Rah, rah, rah!
**P****e****nci****l**: Be true to your school?
**Eraser**: Nah. We'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow.
[*Pencil rolls her eyes.*]

## Notes

1. ↑ Remote can't understand David because she has never experienced elimination, at least in his presence.
2. ↑ Whatever the headcanon, Shopping Cart will always be a fan of *The Golden Girls*.
3. ↑ Yeah, I don't know.
4. ↑ This was a line I would have *loved* to put into the episode, but alas, it didn't make it.
5. ↑ I was aiming for a parody of the patriotism so commonly found in late-'80s America.
6. ↑ It's discord, in case you didn't know.

**Fake TPOT** [V]