LEGO Metaworld Christmas Piss-Miss

**LEGO Metaworld Christmas Piss-Miss** is the second LEGO Metaworld Christmas special.

## Synopsis

Robert Jacob explains the meaning of Christmas and claims that this year will be the best Christmas since the first one, an enjoyable time with family and loved ones. However, Robyn Jacob's girlfriend Gabriella Weinstein is unable to join in because of the fact that she not only celebrates Hanukkah but is also Jewish. Robyn is upset by this news but Robert tries to comfort her by recounting Harry's first Christmas at Hogwarts, which ended with him mourning the loss of his parents at the hands of Lord Voldemort. The unfortunate ending of this tale reminds the two of the death of Gemma Jacob, Robert's wife and Robyn's mother, who died tragically on Christmas. Robyn Jacob is upset by this and Robert struggles to find a way to raise her spirits, foolishily forgetting to consider raising Gemma's instead.

Robert Jacob decides to tell Robyn another story set in snowy times about Batman stopping Catwoman, the Penguin, and the Taliban, even though they live in southern California and snow does not exist there. Despite only getting to the part where the Penguin sends an army of evil penguins to murder all the firstborns in Gotham City after horificially shooting up a public space with the Taliban, Robyn is calmed until she isn't. Checking her Instagram, Robyn Jacob finds a bunch of filthy rich capitalist kids on Instagram who have not only cisgender white privelege but also the privelege of getting their presents hours early. Robert has to break the news that he hasn't bought as much for Robyn, ignoring the fact that he is even more filthy rich than the other people and could surely arrange a deal with Santa Claus to get them to her early, as well. But Santa Claus isn't real so that doesn't happen.

A spy injects Robert Jacob's throat with a syringe full of fentanyl and causes him to pass out in an effort to abduct Robyn Jacob, somehow making it past the Jacob Manor security system. Upon waking up, Robert has dubiously copulated with one of Robyn's cats and sets off to save Robyn, going to the generator room to disable his autocannons only to realize that they ran out of power beforehand. Being the filthy capitalist Americentric pig that he is, Robert Jacob enlists the help of the ACAB department to hunt down and save Robyn Jacob from whoever captured her. But since he is wealthy, Robert is able to get the help of the entire SWAT team, who are willing to lay down their life just to track down and save a young Caucausian woman with H cups who is probably in a white van in the middle of nowhere right now.

Using sci-fi tech that doesn't exist, the SWATs are able to follow Robyn's DNA trail from shed hair and trace her to a haunted house that nobody questions, apparently. The SWATs find a gigantic screen outside where paper bag guy greets them and tells them that Robyn is trapped inside of the building and that they will have to play a game to rescue her. Upon opening the door, the first SWAT finds nothing, only to activate an automatic rifle that obliterates his testicles and sends gore flying out of his groin. The other SWAT, not taking a hint, shoots at the darkness, activating another rifle trap which blows a hole throw her skull and sends blood and brain matter all over the ground. Showing that they are slightly worthy of natural selection, the other SWATs decide to find another way into the haunted house, starting with the windows, only to find grenade ornaments that blow their testicles into oblivion and exploding chunks off of the ceiling, crushing their corpses.

## Transcript

* Robert Jacob: You know the man, it's Robert Jacob here, and it is relatively close to Christmas, The Mass of Christ, a Christian holiday that is about the birth of Jesus, who Christians like myself believe is the Son of God, and it is a cultural holiday for non-Christians, give or take a few. Christmas Day is the 25th day of December and is one of the most significant days of the year for Christians, alongside Easter when people honor the death and resurrection of Jesus. The season of preparing for Christmas is Advent and starts on Sunday around four weeks before Christmas. Christmastide, the season of Christmas, ends on January 6th, the Twelfth Day of Christmas, when people recognize *Epiphany*. People all across the planet recognize Christmas, as a religious celebration or as a time of holiday for Christians and non-Christians alike... but not all non-Christians. Customs vary across different areas but they nigh-always include a feast, giving presents or cards, and appreciating church or public entertainment like singing Christmas carols and other melodies. Santa Claus is a legend in several nations of the globe. Christmastide, as it is usually called, is in the wintertime of the Northern Hemisphere, at a point when there were already old holidays. More than a few of the traditions used for Christmas started before Christmas itself or come from different non-Christian traditions like Yule. Contemporary Christmas customs usually focus on giving gifts. The period for retail stores to sell gifts, food, greeting cards, Christmas trees, and decorations starts the day roughly a month before Christmas Day. We will have the best Christmas ever, we will make gingerbread houses, put up a Christmas tree, bake cookies, and! And... and... well, uh, usually, we have my daughter's girlfriend, Gabriella, over for the holidays, but Judaism separates us from her and thus she celebrates Hanukkah instead. But that's okay, we can still do all that great stuff with Tyler and Tyra... oh wait, they're still in the Mediterranean. There, there, don't cry, you can't cry within 24 hours of Christmas or else Santa will skip us over, that's legit one of the lyrics in one of those songs...
* Song Guy: Santa fucking hates you if you cry, that's worse than being naughty.
* Robert Jacob: So don't sweat it, the best way to not cry is to not worry about crying! Christmas Eve is a little early for dinner but I have our tofurky and cruelty-free pie cooking right now!
* *[Fire alarm goes off and smoke starts pouring into the room.]*
* Robert Jacob: Son of a bitch.
* *[Cut to the kitchen, where the tofurky is burning and the pie explodes, splattering onto Robyn.]*
* Robert Jacob: Well... we could just order vegan pizza... don't worry, we are gonna have so much fun looking at the tree and all the lights and ornaments and--
* *[Cats knock down tree into the fire and cause it burn.]*
* Robert Jacob: Ass marks!
* *[Robert runs over to the fire and puts it out, but not before the tree is burned.]*
* Robert Jacob: Hey, hey, look, I know things seem terrible right now, but I can assure you this will be the perfect Christmas! We could always take a note from Harry Potter, he spent 10 Christmases without getting any gifts...