Ficcy boo

watercolor

...fade in, fade out
you're a mystery that hates being solved
but I'll find out, I'll bleed through your walls
splash all your colors with ice-cold water...
*a fanfic by foxpaw*

The first time you lied, I didn't mind too much.

You told me there was a lizard hiding behind the brackens. That you'd let me play with your littermates if I could kill it. I'd do anything for a challenge and even now, I laugh at the memory. Imitating Fogpaw's flawless hunting crouch that he'd show off every chance he could. Stalking really slow, weaving my way around the walls of the Nursery, into the brackens and opening my jaws to taste the air. The lizard scent was gone. I whipped around to find you, the dead prey hanging from your fangs, muzzle lifted. Your eyes twinkled with victory. "You didn't get it before me. You're a terrible warrior, Stonekit."

"You didn't tell me it was a competition!" I hissed. Five moons and you were already the best at everything. It had filled me with contempt but now the thought fills me with dread.

"Your enemies aren't going to tell you when they're going to steal your prey." You chided. *Ugh.* Two moons older and you acted as if you were my leader.

I growled and stomped off into the Nursery. I had laid down in my nest, and before I knew it, was taking an early nap. I don't quite remember what came next.

But the second time was when we were apprentices. You were the favorite, the clever one, the one destined for a great path. The rest of us? We were average, seldom fools. We'd just be plain old warriors, destined to serve our Clan and die just how many others had before us: without leaving a mark.

Maybe the mark you left was too big, Silverhawk. Gashed deeply in my stomach.

You outwitted me, outdid me, outran me, outhunt me, outfight me, and the list would never end. Until the day I fooled you. I had done it out of fun, my brothers and I. We all agreed you were a complete piece of toad-dung but it was my idea. Even when you were facedown in dung, you didn't believe how it was I who had planned out rubbing leaves in the abandoned fox den walls and leaving them in a trail. You picked up the scent and went to follow it, where I had left a water-soaked wad of leaves. You tripped and fell right into the dung. Ashpaw, Logpaw, and I never quit jeering.

But you never looked at me the same again.

We became warriors. We all hated our names but you couldn't have liked yours more. Sedgestar had all named in one sitting as the feud with RiverClan was getting more dangerous and as she said it "we knew all we needed to anyways". We headed into the war without a clue on what we were doing. You knew everything, Silverhawk. Every single bit of it.

You were avoiding me, I know. All the cats looked up to you, hoping you'd take them as your mate. Fawning over you every catch you made, every patrol you defeated, every dung-filled step you took. I thought how cliché and dreamy it would be if I turned out to be the lucky she-cat, ha! Then you came up to me, two moons later. It was a rainy day, you were soaked but your eyes carried an amber glow. "I've been meaning to ask you," you said, breathless, all the more handsome. "I know we didn't get along when we were younger, but I've noticed...You're better than I thought you'd ever be." You start to stammer, complimenting my recent catch or battle moves on the recent skirmish. It was too magical for me to process it at all. "I guess what I'm saying is...will you be my mate, Stoneflower?"

I said yes, more in shock than love. You brought me flowers, stolen from the RiverClan borders. Our jealous clanmates were fireflies in the distance. You told me you loved me. You told me I was beautiful. You'd fight by my side in every battle, join as many hunting patrols that we could be together in. Logflight and Ashleap were not too pleased and they shot snide remarks whenever they could. So I left them behind.

You didn't lie that time, Silverhawk. But to what extent did that love go?

I began to carry your kits. You were delighted in a way I've never seen fathers be. You made me feel like a respected leader, bringing me fresh moss and prey whenever you could. You'd eliminate anything that was a distraction. You annoyed the other queens, but they still fawned over it.

This was when it should've been happy. This was when it wasn't. Because one uneventful night, you came home, all bloodied and beaten up from the latest battle. You shoved me aside as I ran to you, ordering me to stay in the Nursery. That night was when I first suspected something ever since becoming your mate. I didn't know how then, but I dreamed myself up to my worst nightmare fuel. The gray sky seemed to go on forever. So did the bare, rotten trees. I scanned the clearing - there you were, my love. Tearing open an innocent apprentice - WindClan, I scented. I crept closer, belly low, yet I couldn't feel my kits. I felt panic rise, which tripled when you tore the apprentice's chest open. She shrieked in pain and gasped for breath but she was losing it. You stepped back and I saw her. Fowlpaw. WindClan apprentice. I had seen her at a few Gatherings. The cats surrounding you, the cats who looked hideous, cheered and shouted disgusting words I don't care to repeat today. Or ever again.

I was paralyzed. The only thing on my mind was to turn and run back as far as I could go. So I did, before my paws tired out and I woke up in my nest. I scrambled up, eyes wide. I took a few steps outside the Nursery, noticed the sky was still dark, and everyone was asleep. Reluctantly, I went back inside, shivering, not about to fall asleep again.

You start avoiding me again. You didn't see me there, I know now. But something was off. You threw yourself into patrols even more and I began to let my worry seep away. I concentrated on our kits, on being healthy and strong for them. I was expected to kit in half a moon. Until one day, I decided I needed an exercise, so I went out on a walk. When I was on my way back to camp, I saw something I will never forget. Owlstone, our deputy. His bloodied body lay beneath you. His neck slashed, your claws red, so red. He was dead.

I gasped and you turned. You scowled, looking annoyed, as if I had just ruined a kit game. You shook your head and advanced towards me. I turned and began to run but my weight betrayed me. You were on me in an instant, your fangs close to my ear. "I really wish you didn't have to see that, love. But I'd make a better deputy any day, and you know that well. It's a shame that I can't trust you not to tattle. You always did, when we were kits. Remember?"

I couldn't believe it. It was him again, the leering kit, the boasting apprentice. The cat who'd do anything to bring me down. "W-what are you saying?" I whimpered.

"I don't need your kits, Stoneflower," you stated. "or you. I considered taking a mate and being a father as a status, one that may lead to deputyship. But that didn't happen. Even after Cloudbird died, Owlstone was appointed." He gestured to Owlstone's body. "You're useless, Stoneflower. You always fall for my tricks. Besides that time with the fox dung, of course. That's when you changed my mind. But I realize that you're the same cat all along. I made a mistake and I won't repeat again."

I started to *beg* him for my life, to say that I would never tell what he did in exchange for my life. I didn't get a chance as he tore his claws into my stomach. I guess killing me wasn't enough, he wanted my useless kits to suffer too.

I'm in StarClan now. My kits never existed. They died with my body that day, never alive. If I could save anyone, it would be them. But I was part of the StarClan patrol that went to our medicine cat, Redthistle, an omen about Silverhawk. After our deaths, no one blamed Silverhawk. But he still wasn't deputy. Ashleap took the spot but he was the first cat to survive Silverhawk's murder. Silverhawk was executed as the Code allows the murder of cats who absolutely must be killed.

Through it all, I can't forget the time where I didn't realize Silverhawk's true colors. He was always dark inside and the Dark Forest identified that and fed it. He only showed me watercolors, the fake stains of what I wanted to believe in him.

I wish I had the chance to never make that mistake again.