Ivan Bonk

> Recently, a poll was taken league-wide to begin addressing the issue of unsigned free agents. Our reporters have been fervently trying to get opinions on the matter from some players. However, none have been willing to speak on the matter.
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> Until now...
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> Reporter Biv Bivens recently placed a call to the phone of Detroit Red Wings prospect Ivan Bonk. And he answered the call. To say he answered our questions might be a stretch. But he answered the call and, really, that's the important thing here.
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> BB: Hi, is Ivan Bonk available? This is Biv Bivens of The Hockey Bugle.
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> IB: Sorry - no is Biveny here. You take message.
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> BB: Sorry - I'M Biv Bivens.
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> IB: GREAT! I have phone for you!
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> BB: I already have ... forget it. Can I ask you a question?
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> IB: Sure! What is time is it today?
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> BB: Actually, I want to ask YOU a question. A hockey question.
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> IB: The HOCKEY!!! YES! I play the hockey. I hope play Red Wings for you one day in the day that is OK.
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> BB: Great? Do you have any thoughts on the discussion about rolling back salaries or increasing the salary cap and how it may impact a player like you?
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> IB: ...
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> BB: OK - do you know what a salary cap is?
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> IB: Cap! Yes!
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> BB: OK. Do you think it should be increased?
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> IB: My cap adjustable in back. Yes? Is Cubs of Chicago cap, yes? How it looks?
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> BB: I can't see you. I'm on the phone.
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> IB: I know! Me, too! Peeky-boo!
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> BB: What about salary rollbacks. Don't you think that's a horrible thing to do to the players? Especially ones like you who don't make a lot of money and whose chances of making a lot are low already?
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> IB: Please to make smaller sentence?
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> BB: You want more money or less money?
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> IB (thoughtfully): You see, the cow not always eat the farmer. Sometimes, the farmer eat the pig. Sometimes, the oranges. But always, and never, the farm.
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> BB: OK, Ivan. I guess that's all I've got. Thanks for your time.
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> IB: Yes. To and you the thank for timing.
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### **Bonk Upset at Lack of Chances? (by Dave Leibowitz) - posted on March 9, 2015**

> **The Hockey Bugle**
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> **By Biv Bivens**
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> Following his latest interview with the Hockey Bugle, Detroit farmhand Ivan Bonk has issued his GM an ultimatum. It's one that Flavio Muto will be hard-pressed to ignore.
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> Bonk figured out how to call back the last number on his phone to reach the Bugle. According to Bonk, "I play with the hockey. It's that is that is that thing. But with Buffalo Wings that is of the Detroits, I not play. And that's is not is that the not thing."
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> When asked if this means he's demanding a trade, Bonk responded, "The trade is not the cow. The cow is not on the farm if the farmer don't make a pig eat the cow."
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> Rumor has it that Flavio has offered Bonk to an actual farmer in return for an actual cow but that has not been confirmed by my sources within the organization nor with any farmers within 1,200 miles of Detroit. Cow-eating pigs would likely be pretty big news in the Midwest.
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> Flavio himself has not offered any comments on his promising defenseman.
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### **Bonk Upset at Lack of Chances? (by Flavio) - posted on March 11, 2015**

> **DETROIT FREE PRESS**
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> DETROIT - In a statement released this morning, the Red Wings GM answered the controversy about Ivan Bonk recent comments. "Ivan Bonk is a very important part of the future of the Red Wings AHL franchise and we feel very proud about having him playing with the KC Blades! We received a couple trade inquires, but they were nowhere close to the value that this young czech has for our franchise." The paper didn't find Ivan to comment about him being an 'important part' of the KC Blades and it also doesn't know if Ivan would understand the difference between being the core of the AHL or the core of the GHL.
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> About the trade request rumors, an undisclosed high ranking source in the organization revealed to the Free Press that opposed to the Bugle report, the Brazilian GM is not looking for a cow, but instead he is currently looking for a couple samba CDs and a well-prepared 'lemon caipirinha'. Maybe some home sickness about his homeland.
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### **Bonk Unable To Crack Farm Lineup (by Dave) - posted on March 16, 2015**

> **The Hockey Bugle**
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> **By Biv Bivens**
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> In a recent conversation, it was brought to Ivan Bonk's attention that he hasn't yet played in any games this season.
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> Not surprisingly, the efferfescent defenseman had a few choice words about his current situation.
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> "I play to the play. Is not how to get into the game, is how the game get to into the hockey of rinks. I get into the hockey of rinks that make the dancy man to the dancy lady."
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> Without much prompting, Bonk continued to bring this back to cows.
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> "You see, is the dancy lady that make the cow...not the dancy cow man. Dancy man make cow for the milk to the field of chickens. That how play to get the play on the hockey of all the rinks. Is always the cow."
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> True - with Bonk, it always seems to be the cow. And, once again, we wait with bated breath for a response from Flavio...wondering why on Earth he decided to draft this fellow and why on Earth my editor wants me to keep talking to him. Please help.
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> "Always the cow" - haunting words.
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> Anyway, if I could only get a minute with Flavio, maybe he could answer some of the questions I and my editor have about this situation:
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> 1. Why? I mean, seriously, why did you draft him at all? And you couldn't even wait until the 5 round - you took him in the THIRD!!! Seriously, did your scouts even try to talk to him or watch him play? He's not all that good at hockey.
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> 2. Is he ever going to play?
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> 3. Would you ever trade him? He seems unhappy. I mean, I think he does. Maybe not. Who the fug knows?
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> 4. Why? Really!
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> 5. Are you planning to use that Team Option after next season? Doesn't seem like a good idea if you ask me but I'm no General Manager of a hockey team. I'm just a shmuck who has to keep transcribing interviews with him and putting them in print because my boss thinks he's interesting.
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> 6. If you don't fuggin answer why you drafted him in the 3rd round I'm gonna lose my Shatner!
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### **BREAKING NEWS (by Dave) - posted on March 18, 2015**

> **The Hockey Bugle**
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> **By Biv Bivens**
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> **BREAKING NEWS!!!**
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> Ivan Bonk is missing.
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> He was last seen by teammates at practice on Sunday and his last known whereabouts can be verified by the security camera at a Chuck E Cheese. It appears he was attempting to pay for a personal pizza with with the carboard tube from a roll of paper towels. He could be seen talking to the cashier...and then 2 cashiers...and then 6 cashiers, the manager, and a group of children. It seems they were having difficulty understanding him.
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> He left the establishment skipping and raising the cardboard tube over his head like Excalibur.
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> There is no other evidence indicating where he might now be. Calls have been made to all farmers within 300 miles of the Kansas City arena as there is concern that the cows may be in danger.
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> We will be monitoring this story closely and provide updates as they are available.
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### **BREAKING NEWS (by Dave) - posted on March 19, 2015**

> **The Hockey Bugle**
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> **By Henry Wiggins**
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> **BREAKING NEWS!!!**
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> While investigating the disappearance of Ivan Bonk, Bugle reporter Biv Bivens has also gone missing. There is nothing to indicate any connection between the two disappearances other than Biv's coverage of Bonk's minor league hockey career.
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> The last communication anyone has received from Bivens was a note found on his desk and transcribed here:
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> All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs. All work and no farmers make cows of the dancy cow's pigs.
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> We have sent this to psychological experts to help us interpret the note and help us find Biv.
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> If anyone has seen Mr Bivens, please contact the police or the Bugle immediately. And also if you happen to see Mr Bonk, I guess.
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### **BREAKING NEWS (by Dave) - posted on March 20, 2015**

> **The Hockey Bugle**
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> **By Henry Wiggins**
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> While the police, Red Wings organization, and The Hockey Bugle await word on the location of Ivan Bonk, we have an update on the whereabouts of Bugle reporter Biv Bivens.
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> While following-up on a lead at a local bar, the Rusty Tap, I encountered a man who claims to have just had drinks and conversation with the missing reporter within the last hour.
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> The man, who we have been unable to get an ID on, stated, "The Bivvy Bivs? Yes. On the Bivvy I had the see to him of the missing day night."
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> Did he meet with him a short while ago here at the Rusty Tap?
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> "Tapping to the Rust is the yes for Bivvy."
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> He even seems to know something about the strange message Bivens left at his office.
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> "Is the cow. Is always is the cow for pigs on piggy cows."
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> The bugle will be providing updates as we get more leads on the missing reporter, our friend, Biv Bivens.
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> And on Ivan Bonk, too.
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### **BREAKING NEWS (by Dave) - posted on March 23, 2015**

> **The Hockey Bugle**
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> **By Henry Wiggins**
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> **MAJOR UPDATE!!!**
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> Breaking news on the case of the missing hockey player and hockey writer.
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> Biv Bivens has been located at the apartment of Ivan Bonk. After speaking with the witness at the Rusty Tap, police dogs found a scent trail that led to the apartment located immediately above the bar. Right up the stairs.
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> He was huddled in a corner muttering "cows, cows, cows, dancy cows" while repeatedly trying to stab himself in the chest with a cardboard paper towel roll. Though he is being detained for questioning regarding the disappearance of Ivan Bonk, it's most likely Mr Bivens will be sent to a medium security mental institution.
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> Mr Bonk is *not*considered a suspect in the case and is still yet to be found. I spoke with witness from the bar who seemed to be relieved that the reporter was located and might have some information on the whereabouts of Mr Bonk, as well:
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> "Biveny is the safe? That makes for the cow to be happy in the piggy cow. The Bonky Bonk can see the farmer with the dancy ice hockeys."
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> Sadly, we are unable to infer what he means by that and still have no clues as to the location of the missing hockey player. I will continue to investigate myself as the police have no better leads nor do they seem to really be trying.
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### **BREAKING NEWS (by Dave) - posted on March 23, 2015**

> **The Hockey Bugle**
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> **By Henry Wiggins**
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> **POSSIBLE BONK SIGHTING**
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> Unlikely as it may seem, witnesses believe Ivan Bonk showed up at the wrong rink for practice this morning and took the ice for a local pick-up game. Eyewitnesses are said to have spotted the man who looked exactly like Bonk but couldn't possibly be him based on their expectations of what a 3rd round NHL pick would be able to do on the ice. One fan captured some video footage - keep an eye on #69 as he may be our missing future GHL star and please contact the Bugle if you can confirm it's him or have any other information.
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### **Bonk Unable To Crack Farm Lineup (by Flavio) - posted on March 24, 2015**

> **DETROIT FREE PRESS**
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> In a statement released this morning, the Red Wings franchise answered a few questions regarding controversial defenseman Ivan Bonk.
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> "Ivan Bonk is an integral part of our franchise. We are very proud to have him, however, we also have no clue where he might be, as we also haven't heard about Biv Bivens from the Hockey Bugle.
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> Concerning the drafting and trade rumors about Bonk, we deeply believe in our scouts, specially those working abroad. Through the years they managed to bring enormous talent to our franchise such as czechs Stanislav Holla and Rehor Kohn. At the time of his drafting, Bonk was listed by several media panels as a 'very high ceiling' dman. We still hope that he develops into a decent GHLer.
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> And since we are on the subject, we received a couple trade inquires about Bonk that we are still studying. We like Bonk a lot, but no one is truly untouchable."
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> After the release, the Free Press went after scout Frantisek Kaberle, the Red Wings senior scout in Czech Republic, that had the following comments on Bonk: "The bull young. Bull slap puck and funny mirror dancy cow man. No good bad play and hockey bull cow. Buffalo Bonk thirthy round dancy game. Purple Wings play the play with the play and the bull."
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> Maybe this explains a little bit about Bonk's drafting. The Press heard rumors that AHL Coach Mark Howe had the idea to put Bonk in the lineup for today's game. Will he show up?
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### **BREAKING NEWS (by Dave) - posted on March 24, 2015**

> **The Hockey Bugle**
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> **By Henry Wiggins**
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> **BONK FOUND!!!**
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> Phone calls flooded in after posting that video confirming that the man wearing #69 is, in fact, Ivan Bonk. Both of the callers were 60% sure of that fact.
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> Later on, Bonk was also located at the Kansas City Blades game wearing a real Kansas City Blades uniform as though nothing was wrong. Prior to his first professional game, he was asked about where he had been:
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> "I am the Bonks. That me is for the know to that. The Kansas of City Cows on the Bladeys is the hockey."
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> When asked about his constant mention of cows, he responded: "Yes".
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> So, there you have it. The saga is over with Biv Bivens in a mental institution and Ivan Bonk playing pro hockey.
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> He managed to get into the lineup twice this past week. He managed to stay on the ice for 12 minutes/game. He was credited with a shot on goal when the puck glanced off his head on it's way to the opposing goal. He is also credited with having taken one hit (that is, he got hit) when he tripped on an invisible bump in the ice and pinballed off an opposing player falling back to the ice. He is also credited with falling (with no other player near him) 18 times - not including the secondary falls as he tried to get back up the first time around.
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> Asked about his first experience in pro hockey, Bonk said: "It was the hockey. I farm for the hockeys to the puckso. Within the piggy cow to the cow's moo cows."
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> And that's all for me. I plan to ask for someone else to cover this guy because I don't want to end up with the Biveny Bivs stabbing myself with a cardboard paper towel tube.
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### **Bonk on the move!! (by Flavio) - posted on March 30, 2015**

> **DETROIT FREE PASS**
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> Ivan Bonk just got traded!! The Red Wings czech defenseman was traded this morning in a deal with the Atlanta Thrashers.
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> Several sources close to the negotiations reported that an agreement was reached to send Bonk for veteran farmer Tyson Scully and a fourth rounder.
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> GM Flavio had no comments about the transaction and the potential of Scully, but scout Frantisek Kaberle had a few words about Scully, his 'new discovery': "Large big huge X-files idol for fan. The hockey is out there! We want believe! Scully nice dancy cow!"
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> Atlanta's GM Michael wasn't available for comments, but Bonk seems very excited about going to Atlanta: "Dancy cow no more! Peach cow! Bonk go farm and peach team! Dancy lady with peach peaches farm. Hot warm baked heated hockey? Puck peach!"
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### **Bonk on his trade: Happy, but Sad. But also Happy (by Dave) - posted on March 31, 2015**

> Ivan Bonk has responded to Atlanta's hockey writers with the following statement on his feelings about being traded:
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> "Is the happy to sad be from Reddings of the Detroits. So no. Is not to the happy of sad, but happy. That is the sad. Reddings of the Detroits is the very good team. Reddings of the Atlantis is also of the very good teams. So to the cows, the Reddings is still the happy sad."
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> Coincidentally, the hospital where former Hockey Bugle reporter Biv Bivens has been staying is also in the Atlanta area.
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### **Hi! New Boot? (by Ivan Bonk) - posted on June 2, 2015**

> Is to the GM team? I am the Bonky Bonk. Of the Bonk to Ivan it is in.
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> That is for the cow I am. I want to is the new boot for GHL in the boot. No? It is not in the is? But I want to dancy dance in the boot of GHL.
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> Thank to the you of all of the you.
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### **Team Selection (by Ivan Bonk) - posted on June 2, 2015**

> Is it the Yankee Yanks? Is to the team I GM for the wanting of GM. The cow is for to be Yankees.
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> Thank to the you of all the you by me.
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### **2035-36 GHL Awards (by Ivan Bonk) - posted on June 2, 2015**

> I vote!
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> It's to the piggy awards. The dancy cow make for to the awardsies. The cow make for to the farmer on the carrots. This is to for the awards.
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> My name to the award in voting cow:
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> LEAGUE MVP: It is
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> TOP GOALTENDER: No
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> TOP DEFENSEMAN: Save to the farmer
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> TOP ROOKIE: OK
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> TOP FORWARD: Yes
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> TOP DEFENSIVE FORWARD: He is
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> TOP DEFENSIVE D-MAN: To the that one
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> GM OF THE YEAR: Jimbo
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