Wizard 30

**Chapter 30**

Kahlan and Richard have been traveling for ten days. Richard wonders about the *“red demon”* Rahl flew off on, and Kahlan explains that it had to be a red dragon. Richard is all, *What? Dragon? What?* Dragons, being magical, are legendary in the Westland, but they're apparently old hat in the Midland.

We get a dragon infodump. Much like in D&D, Midland dragons are color-coded for your convenience. There are gray, green, and red dragons, as well as *“a few others, less common.”* As it turns out, only the red ones are in any way important. Red dragons (as in D&D) are the largest, smartest, and most dangerous, although, unlike D&D red dragons, they don't appear to be evil. Kahlan once saw one swoop down and carry off two cows, one in each claw, so they are apparently very big and willing to eat cattle rather than tasty, tasty maidens. They are also fiercely independent and will die rather than be ruled, making the fact that Rahl was flying around on one very strange. Kahlan says that red dragons have magic, and *“could deal even the one from D'hara quite a match.”* What an odd way of phrasing that. “The one from D'Hara?” “Deal him quite a match?” \~/

Suddenly, someone new is there! It's Old John, who is described thusly: *“His large round belly jiggled under his dark brown robes as he laughed. White hair was parted neatly down the middle, and long curly eyebrows [long curly eyebrows??] and drooping lids shaded his brown eyes. His jolly round face wrinkled with a wide smile as he waited.”*

He has a jiggling belly, white hair, and is described as “jolly.” He is Santa Claus. \~/

Santa John, who is always laughing and smiling and being jolly, says that he was sent by *“my old friend, the wizard,”* and Richard instantly decides he means Zedd. Some Seeker. Santa John says that, yes, it was Zedd who sent him (Santa) to find Richard. They set off following Santa, and Kahlan gives Richard *“one of her special tight-lipped smiles.”* \~/

They come to a fork in the road. Santa John takes the right fork, which he says leads to Zedd. Kahlan mentions that the left fork leads to Shota (apparently they're there already). Richard agonizes briefly over whether to see Zedd first or interrogate Shota, and decides to see Zedd, although he blames it on Kahlan. She gets a spiderweb on her face, and Richard laughs at her. I become more suspicious of Santa John by the moment.

Suddenly, we're back with Rachel, who is hanging out under a wayward pine tree for the night. She's talking with her creepy doll, telling it all her many troubles, and the doll says *“I love you, Rachel.”* I still find it creepy rather than comforting. Rachel asks the doll what she should do, and the doll answers, *“Help Giller.”* It also nods. This is getting even creepier. \~/

Back to Richard and Kahlan! I'm getting whiplash from these abrupt POV shifts. Richard and Kahlan are following Santa John. Richard wonders how an old man can seem so fresh and relaxed when the two younger people are hot and sweaty. Richard thinks he sees something off to the left, *“something with long arms, skittering along the ground,”* but decides he's imagining things. Just once, I would like to see a character in a book observe something weird, decide they're imagining things, and actually be imagining things.

Kahlan gets another spiderweb on her face, and Richard realizes that Santa John should be breaking the webs, but isn't. He sees Santa John walk through a stick, so he draws his sword and challenges Santa John. Santa John says that, hey, a friend of a wizard is going to know a few tricks. Richard points out that he was the one who mentioned Zedd's name, and asks him Zedd's last name.

Santa John suddenly transforms into a *“creature of snap and snarl.”* It's not well described, but it's twice the size of a man and has fur and fangs and claws. I'm thinking it's a grizzly bear.

Santa Bear menaces Richard, who heroically trips on a root and falls flat on his butt. Santa Bear tries to bite his face, then backs off. It picks up a rocks *“twice the size of Richard's head”* and crushes it, before...leaving. Hm. That was unsatisfying.

...Wait. WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE HERE! First we have Santa John passing through spiderwebs and sticks, as if he were some sort of illusion or hologram. Then he morphs into Santa Bear, who tries to bite Richard's face off, then crushes a boulder (apparently just for the hell of it) before running off. So...is Santa Bear an illusion? Because if Santa John turned into Santa Bear, should John have just been Bear in a magical disguise? Shape-shifted, or whatever? John was smaller than Bear, so if anything, John should have been breaking sticks and spiderwebs he didn't appear to be touching. Or, if he actually made himself smaller, he should still have been solid.

What the hell? >\_< \~/\~/

Anyway, as if agreeing with my sentiment that the previous fight was unsatisfying, *“something ashen, with long gray arms”* leaps on Richard and tries to steal the Sword of Truth. It has sharp teeth, bulging yellow eyes, and bloodless white lips. It snarls *“Gimme my sword.”*

It's Gollum. It sounds like Gollum. I shall henceforth refer to it as Gollum.

Richard manages to draw his knife and hold it to Gollum's neck, forcing him to release the sword, in a scene that is NOTHING AT ALL like the scene in The Two Towers, where Frodo holds Sting to Gollum's neck and forces him to stop choking Sam. \~/ Gollum whimpers and begs Richard not to kill him. Richard asks about Santa Bear, and is told that was *“Calthrop,”* which makes me think of caltrops (and it turns out "calthrop" is an alternate spelling for "caltrop"). Apparently Santa Bear kills at night.

Calthrop, I'm pretty sure, is never referenced again. \~/

Kahlan is nowhere to be seen. Gollum says that his mistress took “pretty lady,” and now he sounds like Jerry Lewis inside my head. I'm taking a drink for that. \~/ Gollum's mistress is Shelob Shota. He says that he wasn't trying to steal Richard's Precious Sword; that it's his. \~/ We learn that Gollum's name is Smeagol Samuel. \~/ Richard terrorizes Gollum for a bit by threatening to eat him, then ties a rope of elven make around Gollum's neck and orders him to lead him to the Black Gate Shota. \~/

You know, this whole section seems familiar to me somehow, but I just can't put my finger on it.

Anyway, Gollum leads Richard up into Agaden Reach. Gollum has a habit of grabbing things and yelling *“Mine! Gimme!”* to no one in particular. Here are Richard's thoughts on Gollum:

*“Richard knew if given the chance, [Gollum] would slit his throat without a second thought. He seemed to be a creature devoid of any redeeming qualities.”*

Richard *“knows”* this due to...telepathy, I assume. Maybe hanging around a mind vampire has caused some psychic powers to rub off. \~/ Richard has been in Gollum's company for a few hours at most, which is SURELY enough time to determine all you need to know about someone.

Gollum's yellow eyes shine in the dark *“like twin lanterns.”* \~/

Richard and Gollum walk through the entire night, following Kahlan's footprints in the snow. They get to Agaden Reach proper just before dawn, and Richard finds the heat oppressive. Wait; what? Maybe this is “magic,” but it would be nice if it was acknowledged in some way by the characters. Richard seems to think nothing of it.

Richard and Gollum come to a valley that gets half a page of description. It's beautiful. It's the most beautiful valley Richard has ever seen. It's the Mary Sue of valleys. I expect it has violet eyes.

Gollum leads Richard to a brown-haired woman in a white dress, who has her back to them, and who Gollum identifies as “Mistress.” Near her is Kahlan, who's standing stiffly for some reason. Gollum says, *“Seeker promises,”* which is nothing like Smeagol saying “Master promised” to Frodo. NOTHING, I tell you! \~/\~/ Richard releases Gollum.

Kahlan is covered with snakes. They're all poisonous, of course. Kahlan, if you recall, is terrified of snakes. Richard goes to try and remove them, but Kahlan says that if he messes with the snakes, they'll bite her. She tells him that she's doomed, and for him to save himself. Of course, we know he won't.

Drinks: 18

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