Avoiding Politics

"*While we have endured outbreaks of politics before, this year looks to be the one that may end us all. Because this is an election year.*"
―Erik
Avoiding Politics is the 106th lesson of Internet Comment Etiquette. It was released on February 14, 2020.

## Summary

Erik warns of the massive epidemic that overtook the world in 2020: politics. He has even caught it himself, watching the polls, following the recent caucus, and even watched the entire impeachment hearing from start to finish. Erik decides to open up Rainbow Six and puts on his face-mask so he won't spread his politics to the other players. The mask resembles the one used by Bane in *The Dark Knight Rises* and Erik speaks like Bane to his teammates. They ask him to shut the fuck up so he goes into a virtual reality game instead. Then he teamkills while yelling that the caucus was rigged against Bernie Sanders. Then he burps in his mask and freaks out.

He decides to watch something non-political that will make him feel better, so he watches a nice old man teach how to make soup. The video is nice, but the comments sneeze politics. He diagnoses it as a late-stage infection because they're just calling each other gay. He tries to put a stop to them, but then he spreads politics as well. Erik decides to distract himself with a hobby and gets into poker. He goes into a poker game in VR, but he irritates one of the players. The player threatens to doxx Erik because he's not using NordVPN. Erik finds a bunch of highly targeted stories about him on CNN, so he turns on NordVPN and the targeted stories disappear. Erik looks on a Fox News article about the deadliest cities but the comments are wildly racist so Erik switches over to an African server and leaves them a comment.

Erik notes that some things are so widely hated that even politics can't divide it, and he looks at Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop. Everyone hates it, whether it because goop is a scam, for religious reasons, or because it involves women. He leaves a comment, but it gets political at the end so he goes over to Twitter. He pastes a list of political words into his muted words settings, but then he's just left with James Corden tweets and #KPOP. He goes over to r/videos on reddit where there's a no politics rule. He finds a video about John F. Kennedy, but all of the comments are talking about Donald Trump. Erik fears that it may be too late and everyone is infected. He decides to give in and talk about politics.

Erik starts Internet Comment Politics as Breaking News Salvia. He tries to go onto Politico, but it autofills Pornhub and he goes there instead. He finds a SpongeKnob SquareNuts porn video. He goes down into the comments, and he realizes that there isn't a trace of politics anywhere. He goes onto a Pokémon porn video, but the comments there are perfect as well. No matter which video he looks at, he can't find politics anywhere. He's finally found the cure to politics. He leaves his comment, but the character limit cuts him off. Now having a cure, he goes into a video game, tells a teammate to vote for Jill Stein, and shoots him. Then Rotten Pineapple Erik calls him on Skype to ask if he's heard about Kirk Douglass dying but neither of them know who that is.

Then he asks the people in the poker game who they're voting for.

## Comments

*Youre fucking gay*
- samuel mil

*samuel mil Yeah hey could you guys knock it off with the politics? We're all here for the soup recipe, not to watch you relive Thanksgiving dinner with your racist step-dad. You idiots could make a dog funeral political. Just because the only synapses firing through your smoothed out brain are poll numbers and how everyone who doesn't like your candidate is an evil shill, that doesn't mean you can come take a gross shit in this comment section where other people are just trying to learn how much cabbage to put in their chunky soup! Count me in the caucus crowd to have all of you fired off into deep space where it'll take hundreds of years for your transmissions of whining hootenanny to reach us. While you're up there maybe you can search the endless cosmos for a goddamn clue, because the only thing you're accomplishing right here on Earth is to make anyone with a similar political standpoint as you worry that maybe they sound like a bag of dildos as well. Anyway to get this shit back on track, my favorite chunky soup is clam chowder and don't vote for pete buttigieg he's CIA.*
- Erik

*¡Hola! Bug Chaser Salvia aquí, posiblemente soy la persona más enferma del planeta, iy voy por ti! Estar a menos de tres metros de mí es como correr un maratón en China sin una máscara facial. ¡Mejor no me dejes entrar en pendejos o empezaré a estornudar por toda tu mierda! Voy a enfermar tanto a tus hijos que tendrán que abandonar la escuela, lo que probablemente significa que vivirán más tiempo considerando cuántos de ustedes gordos estadounidenses gordos todavía mantienen sus armas desbloqueadas y crían pequeños psicópatas que no entienden como obtener intimidado sin asesinar a todos en la clase. Por cierto, no estoy haciendo esto por ninguna razón política, ¡simplemente odio estar saludable! Sin embargo,
no tanto como ustedes odian a los negros. Pero oye, sabes lo que sea que flote en tu bote, que supongo
que en tu caso el bote sería "Amistad", no es que espere que entiendas ese chiste porque los únicos libros
de historia que leíste fueron escritos por Bill O'Reilly cuando no estaba ocupado cargando vibradores por el
culo como un dispensador de gasolina humana, mientras que una pobre secretaria tenía que escuchar por
teléfono. Tampoco entenderás ese chiste porque todo este comentario está en español.**(Hola! Bug Chaser Salvia here, I'm quite possibly the sickest person on the planet, and I'm comin for you! Being within ten feet of me is like running a marathon in China without a face mask. Better not let me in assholes or I'mma start sneezin on all your shit! I'm gonna get your children so sick they have to drop out of school, which probably means they'll live longer considering how many of you fat American fucks still keep your guns unlocked and raise little psychos who don't understand how to get bullied without murdering everyone in the class. I'm not doing this for any political reason by the way, I just hate being healthy! Not as much as you guys hate black people though. But hey you know whatever floats your boat, which I'm guessing in your case the boat would be "Amistad" -- not that I expect you to get that joke because the only history books you read were written by Bill O'Reilly when he wasn't busy loading vibrators up his ass like a human pez dispenser while some poor secretary had to listen on the phone. You're not gonna get that joke either because this entire comment is in Spanish.)*
- Erik

*Yo Netflix has THE best health shows! I just got done watching “Butt Hymen Rejuvenation At Home with Oliver Platt" -- and man they must have paid Oliver Platt so much money to be in this shit. My favorite part was the eight minute continuous take in episode three where Oliver Platt's chair blows up and he has to rejuvenate his butt hymen with a spoon and an old watch before God finds out. Listen if you think this Goop show is bad, you're gonna hate the other Netflix documentary called "Live Forever: Eat Like a Bitch" and it's all about eating like a bitch and never doing anything tasty and you'll live to be 200 years old. Pretty sure if I lived 200 years without a hoagie I'd become a serial killer, so no thank you! I'll stick to what I learned from Goop which is to simply throw all of my money at insane treatments to keep whatever's left of my youth intact. If I have to l'll start a gofundme saying that my kid got in a car accident and then get celebrities to retweet it by pestering them with paid sock puppet accounts, and when it hits the goal I'm gonna spend it all on de-aging uterus face masks from Goop. Worst case scenario, it doesn't work and I have to go drink some kids blood or some shit I dunno whatever the Clintons do with em, but I'm outta here cause I just popped a nut sorry*
- Erik

*I swear I busted so many nuts to this I started channeling future nuts that my balls haven't even generated yet. CERN needs to come over here and fire some particles through my dick because I'm pretty sure there's a black hole in there where all my jizz used to be. Speaking of pure bliss, it's so nice to see a place on the internet where nobody's making anything about themselves or their agendas. We spend our time in this connected plane of existence discussing the worst in each other, picking at faults and counting points for all the times we draw blood. But the truth is we're all alone and anonymous. There's no way you can know everyone you talk to online, so we talk to each other as strangers, ripping each others throats out at the behest of people we want in charge of protecting everyone. Next time you find yourself ready to spend hours and hours angrily trying to change some stranger's mind in a reddit comment section, maybe stop for a minute and think "hey what if I jerk off instead?" And that my friends is the cure to this illness. I promise your mind and soul will be healed and you will head back to the skullduggery of the internet fully vaccinated against such worries and heartbreak, dog whistles and dogpiles. Forever may you stay calm and just realize that the only opinions you should ever care about are the ones of the people you know outside this jerking-off hub we call the internet. God bless pornography, and God bless America.*
- NudeCelebzForFree

## Context

1. ↑ 2020 was a major election year in which Donald Trump sought reelection against a Democratic challenger. The Democrats' first step in choosing their candidate was the Iowa Caucus. The results of this were delayed. The delay resulted in a number of conspiracy theories about election fraud. Shortly before this, the impeachment hearing of Donald Trump took place, who was being tried by the Senate for impounding funds in order to bribe a foreign head of state.
2. ↑ The disease related language is in reference to the COVID-19 pandemic that was just starting at the time of this lesson.
3. ↑ Pete Buttigieg was one of the candidates in the Democratic primary election. He became the target of a number of conspiracy theories, suggesting that he was secretly working for the CIA, ballot box companies, pharmaceutical companies, or a number of other groups.
4. ↑ La Amistad was a Spanish slaver ship that was taken over by the slaves.
5. ↑ The Clintons drinking blood is a references to Adrenochrome, which would be made into a lesson five months later.

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