Episode 243 - Hot Scoops

Cynthia Oathheart's article in the "Haven Quill"

## Intro

**Episode description:**
Hi Friends,

I'm very sorry about the radio silence with episodes. It's been a busy, challenging, stressful, but optimistic time for me.

I love you all for staying around, and your support is really touching.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Kyle

**Opening Quote:**
**Kyle**: Yes, I have to pee- I have to pee so badly.

**Player introduction:**
**Sean**: Hello and welcome to another episode of the Tabletop Champions podcast, I'm Sean your dungeon master and \*seltzer can opening\* Grip it and rip it!
**Lauren**: Oh no.
**Sean**: Welcome to another episode of the Tabletop Champions podcast, again. I screwed it up. I got too distracted by soda water. Anyway I got some people with me, I've got Kyle who plays Barry Dingle...
**Kyle**: \*seltzer can opening\* ***(whispering)*** I hate you.
**Sean**: That'll be the one and only time I'll do it. Ben who plays Balinor...
**Ben**: Hi.
**Sean**: Matt who plays Wrath...
**Matt**: Uh, something something glory.
**Sean**: Stephanie who plays Kuviana...
**Stephanie**: I have never wanted a seltzer so bad in my life to be able to open. Right now.
**Sean**: Oh it's super great right now. Kyle, that felt super good.
**Stephanie**: Just like to - no, I - I have one right next to me, but I want to rip it open in front of Kyle, just -
**Kyle**: Listen, you have to always have them ready. \*seltzer can opening\*
**Sean**: I know, trust me.
**Kyle**: \*seltzer can opening\*
**Matt**: I am so jealous now.
**Kyle**: \*seltzer can opening\*
**Lauren**: What the fuck is happening.
**Kyle**: Listen, you have to be ready.
**Sean**: That's like, fuckin 80 cents worth of seltzer!
**Stephanie**: He's gonna be peeing all night.
**Sean**: God, you just... mad seltzer money.
**Kyle**: I'm gonna have to piss so badly this episode.
**Stephanie**: That's what I'm saying!
**Kyle**: I can't be wasteful, I'm gonna totally chug all of these.
**Sean**: And we also have Lauren who plays Ophelia.
**Lauren**: I have a D&D combat joke, but it will drag on.
**Chorus**: \*groans\*
**Kyle**: Buh buh-buh buh, bwaaooooo.

## Episode Summary

The episode opens with the Bear Owl Bureau waking up, hearing pacing downstairs. Kuviana and Ophelia were up early to watch the sunrise and chat, as they do every morning. They're talking about the upcoming mission as the newspaper boy drops off their paper. He avoids eye contact with Ophelia as she greets him, unlike previous days. Jingle fetches the paper. Welsh wrests the paper from Jingle and goes to burn it. Wrath intimidates him into handing it over, and Welsh flees to breakfast at the tavern. Wrath tells him to bring back bacon, and opens the paper to the headline, "Vases, Vandalism, and Vagrance: The Shockingly True Story of the Owlbear Bureau" by Cynthia Oathheart. The article paints a fairly fact-based but disparaging picture of the Bureau, describing them as well-intentioned, but lacking in skill and composure (with the exception of Balinor, who she hopes will separate from the Bureau). She did, however, interview Councilwoman Tristana Oat, who reported being very calm while the Bureau responded with vitriol, while in fact she did nothing but scream at them after they shattered the vase. Wrathful screams in rage and starts wrecking the office. Ophelia and Kuviana stop him, and Barry clips out and frames the article to hang on the wall, liking the mention of his clockwork dog. The Bureau discusses the article, admitting that it was mostly true. Welsh walks in with a tray of food he obviously just dropped and reassembled. Wrath is angry with him, but everyone else tells him to be nice. Welsh reads the article, and feels so bad he goes to unpay himself. The group attempts to calm him down, and Barry casts Heroism to make him unafraid for one minute. In response, Welsh runs out the door to tell everyone how great the Bureau is.

The Bureau begins to discuss the next mission, and Welsh runs back in as a thrown knife embeds itself in the door behind him. They discuss tracking, but really don't have much information, so on Welsh's suggestion they go to interview the father in Westgate. After everyone else leaves, Ophelia hangs back to ask Welsh to design them a logo and uniform. He brings out the hat he made, and Ophelia puts it on, but he also offers to find an actual artist to design a new one. In the conversation, Ophelia accidentally calls Welsh Walter, and he renames himself to Westley. When she exits, she takes the hat off again.

They make their way to the Councilman's house, which is surrounded by guards and a wrought iron fence. Barry nudges Balinor forward, to Wrath's chagrin. The rest of the party remind him that he's gotten them in trouble lately, and Barry says they still get a cut on the quiet crew. A guard named Alfred asks them not to loiter, and Balinor asks him about Joaquin. Alfred says the guards on watch then were fired, and that it happened late two nights ago. There were signs of forced entry through a nearby gate, but no ransom. Kuviana and Ophelia know that the councilman is very well liked, so it's unlikely it was politically motivated. They investigate the area, and Jingle points to a sewer grate. There's some grave mold caught in the grate, which is generally only found in tombs. Kuviana knows there's a cemetery about a quarter mile to the west of town, and the older part of the cemetery is in ruin: a likely place for grave mold. As they decide to go to the cemetery, the group is approached by twenty members of the Twinkletoes gang. They attempt to intimidate the group into handing over compensation for their slander of Timmy Twinkletoes, but Wrath yells out "Mugging!" and the gang slips away as guards come.

The party makes their way to the cemetery and through a forest at the back, which is unnaturally dark and hazy. Something about this place allows Kuviana and Ophelia to separate, despite it being daytime. As they go through, they hear the sound of nocturnal animals. The episode ends as they reach the ruins.

### New Information

* Westgate is a very rich neighborhood, with lavish houses and guards who kick out beggars.
* Joaquin is nine years old.

## Memorable Quotes

**Ben**: Wait, he has a human child, right?
**Sean**: Yes, he has a human child.
**Ben**: Good. Then that means he is one of my favored enemies.

**Sean**: That's the best thing about this D&D campaign, there's no fuckin quarantine.
**Stephanie**: Yass! Alright.
**Lauren**: Yayyyyyy.
**Kyle**: There is, however, a terrible plague.

**Balinor**: What's the matter, Wrath? You can talk too, I suppose. Just don't -
**Barry**: No.
**Ophelia**: No.

**Barry**: So I'm not super abreast of local politics. Cause I don't really read the paper unless we're mentioned, and now that we've been mentioned I might not read the paper ever again.

**Kyle**: Plus we didn't have to go straight to murder, I mean...
**Stephanie**: Oh, that's not our way, Kyle.
**Kyle *(whispering)***: I was gonna go straight to murder.

## Trivia

* Kyle and Sean are so proud of Stephanie for taking notes this season.
* Balinor is a Ranger, and has humans as one of his favored enemies.
* Sean kept forgetting Welsh's name.
* No one remembered Councilman Everset's first name, so he was (re)named Gregory.