Flora Gonzalez/Tumblr

**FloraFlow** is the Tumblr handle of Flora Gonzalez.

## Bio

> we are the weirdos, mister
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> @floraflow /  floraflow.tumblr.com
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## History

The first post was on July 30th, 2007, reblogging a gif set of Singer-Songwriter Gerald Way.

There is a gap between post dates where the last text posts end in 2007, two years before she disappeared. Two contemporary posts are currently on the Tumblr: A statue of a nude woman pulling herself out of a bird fountain, her eyes and mouth dripping red water, meant to resemble blood, and a reblog of a text post saying, "anyone else laying in the foundations of decay rn or is it just me and these other guys ".

The blog was discovered on July 4th, 2022 by the community and then reblogged by Bent-Into-Shape, the Tumblr belonging to Zoey Bent. Bent-Into-Shape posted a comment on the post:

> "she loves her privacy but it doesnt matter anymore i will pull her from the past piece by piece post by post
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> theres still so much more to see
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> 1. did you miss me? (:"
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The day after July 5th, two new text posts where found on the Tumblr that were not there the day before, Implying that more text posts will appear going forward. These two text posts also feature a binary code. The code is dissimilar to Floras posting style, however this style of tag is inline with the way the Nettlebrook Spook posts, implying some level of influence or editorializing.

## Aesthetic and Formatting

Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr follows the general posting culture of the 2000s. She reblogs sparsely, focusing more on certain topics rather then a specific aesthetic, with the majority of the posts focusing on the Pop Punk and Emotional Hardcore music scene, specifically the singers Gerald Way (of My Chemical Romance) and Hayley Willaims ( of Paramore).

The rest of her posts are an online diary focusing on her sophomore year of High School, specifically her friendship with a girl named Ana Brink and a romantic crush on a boy called James.

Note: The names Ana and Mia are used as shorthand for the eating disorders Anorexia and Bulimia in online communities that promote these conditions, (AKA Pro-Ana communities). These communities often personify their eating disorders referring to Ana as if she was real person in their life. This also serves as a type of dog whistle as this behavior is often stigmatized. While this Tumblr does not use other jargon or obvious behavoirs from this community, it is a possible reading that should be addressed.

Flora also often uses emoticons, expressive faces made out of printable characters (E.g (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻), in her text posts, consistent with the "chat speak" of the time.

## Notable Posts

The Majority of these Posts are from Flora Gonzalez's online diary found under the #Diary tag.

### god DOES listen

*Posted on August 27, 2007.*

> i overheard my mom talking about maybe getting me a laptop for school!!!!!!!!!!! plz plz plz plz plz
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> \(★ω★)
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> 1. omgggg  #literally jumping up and down  #diary
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### MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE

*Posted on September 6, 2007.*

> ……….i am the proud new owner of a laptop!!! i can take pics and vids and record music with it (≡^∇^≡) i cannot describe my uber-excitement right now
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> 1. so exciteddd  #eeeeeeeeeeee  #diary
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### oh. my. god.

*Posted on September 11, 2007.*

> i simply cannot believe today’s events.
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> sooo there’s this fella i fancy and we are in english and guitar together…. and it is literally sooo hard to pay attention in class when HE is in it, sitting there being irresistible (º ﹃ º ) it’s weird cuz like i saw him around last year anf thought he was cute and all but *this year*, he like… idk, there’s just something different about him that is just deeply intriguing. maybe cuz he’s kinda **brooding** and **mysterious.** like all the other boys he hangs out with are boisterous and obnoxious and constantly harrassing girls, but he doesnt. hes quiet. and he looks like hes always *pondering* something.
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> he normally sits with his friends in english class but he came a lil late to class today and took the seat next to (drum roll please…..) ME.
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> i had butterflies all class NO JOKE i couldnt concentrate AT ALL.
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> i really hope it isnt obvious how hard im crushing
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> (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)
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> i also really hope he sits next to me again tomorrow….  (─‿‿─)♡
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> 1. hopelessly crushing  #i literally cannot stop thinking about him  #what is wrong with me  #i need a lobotomy  #diary
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### hes the reason for the teardrops on my guitar…

*Posted on September 26, 2007.*

> so theres this RIDICULOUSLY COOL guy in my guitar class. hes actually REALLY good and makes everyone else in class sound like the souls of the damned if they were playing acoustic guitar LOL. His name is James.
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> i wanna be his friend sooOOOoooOOOoo bad but im such a flippin antisocial nerd, idk if i can muster up the balls to even talk to him….. Dx
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> [Image Tag: Gif of a Sailor Moon Edit where sailor moon appears lovestruck behind a bed of waving flowers]
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> like im pretty sure im literally drooling in the middle of class like a freak but OHHH WELL. the heart wants what the heart wants……
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> anyway, to sum everything up, im basically a loser who wants to meet cool ppl but will probably just end up staying home looking at tumblr and watching animes with my lil prima  ( TwT )
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> 1. LMAO  #RIP  #god please help me to be social  #im beggin you  #diary
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Notes:

* Teardrops on my Guitar is a Single by Singer-Songwriter Taylor Swift from her Self-Titled debut album. It hit the Billboard Hot 100 in 2007. The song focuses on the heartbreak that Taylor Swift feels for a schoolyard crush who does not reciporcate her feelings.

### shiz i ~H A T E~

*Posted on September 27, 2007*.

> 1. all the kids here have cell phones (even ana) and im over here phoneless except for my landline which is *EXTREMELY* bad to use cuz even if i bring the phone with me into my room, my prima and sometimes even my own MOTHER will jump on the line and shamelessly eavesdrop. *I HAVE ZERO PRIVACY*. at least i have my laptop tho (and thank GOD my mom doesnt know abt my tumblr–she would *CRUCIFY* me if she knew).
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> 2. The girls at this school literally look at me like im dirt. i hear them whispering abt me in the locker room which is *BIZARRE* cuz i thought that BS only happened in 80s movies. i literally feel like Cady in Mean Girls sometimes, minus the hunky love interest cuz lord knows im wayyyy too awkward to make that happen.
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> 3. even if i HAD friends (besides ana), my mom would *NEVER* let me hang out with them outside our house. she doesnt trust me at all. she always accuses me of having boyfriends and she forbids me from even sleeping over at ana’s cuz she thinks im just sneaking out to hang out with boys and im like  *J E S U S  F R E A K I N G  C H R I S T*first of all, i dont even have boys that are just friends!!! second of all, i cant make any friends at all like this!!!!! and i get i get it, im supposed to focus on school since i have this prestigous scholarship but school makes me feel like my soul is dying and my only avenue of relief right now is the internet and ana and writing.
>                                                     **( ᗒ ᗣ ᗕ ) ՞**
> okay rant over (for now).
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> im just so freaking tired ALL. THE. TIME.  (눈\_눈)
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> 1. shiz i hate  #the first installment  #FML  #depressed  #diary
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### Untitled Post

*Posted on September 28, 2007.*

> okay so im feeling a little better abt school…. my voice lessons are going really well and mr. phillips says i could even consider a **CAREER** in music ***!!!!!*** …..which is unfortunatly never going to happen on my moms watch urghhhhhhh  o(>< )o
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> still fun to think about tho…….
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> 1. music keeps me alive  #diary
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### Untitled Post

*Posted on September 30, 2007.*

> [Photoset of an abandoned house, possible Evil House]
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> Ok soooooooooo OMG.
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> i mean ***OMG.***
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> So last night marks my first night of **teenage rebellion.  ☆\*:.｡.o(≧▽≦)o.｡.:\*☆**
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> ok so it really wasnt that rebellious but i never break the rules so it felt like a pretty big deal to me, **OK???** i cannot *believe* i talked ana into doing this with me. i legit couldnt even sleep last night, my heart has been pounding so hard (and i mean ***P O U N D I N G** ).* i have no words, idk how to even express how incredible it was. i kno i probably sound so dumb right now but im not normally a rule breaker! but now im just thinking like….. why have i never done this before????
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> So basically ana and i snuck out to the bog. i literally climbed out my bathroom window IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. i felt soooo spy-like  (⌐■\_■)
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> we’ve been to the bog before, but NEVER at night and NEVER as deep as we went last night. Usually we just hang out around the creek! This time we brought a backpack full of flashlights and set out into the brambly areas until we came across these totally creepy abandoned houses!!!
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> it was seriously so exhilerating. no doubt we are doing it again. Only problem is my lil prima. We have to sleep in the same bed (we poor lol), but she usually sleeps like a rock so it shouldnt be a huge problem. Just gotta be supa sneaky-like…
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> [Image Desc: Gif known as the Sneaky Tom meme]
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> 1. diary  #photography  #creepy  #teenage shenanigans
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### ohmigoshohmigoshohmigosh

*Posted on October 3, 2007.*

> so ana wasnt down to explore the bog again but idk i think its really cool and mysterious, esp at night  (灬ºωº灬)♡  so i went out by myself this time. but i was only walking around like 5 mins before i heard this shouting behind me !!! it sounded like a guy, but i didnt get a good look at him cuz i got the heck outta there. i am NOT going in there alone ever again lololol wheww（─.─||）
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> 1. diary  #bog explorer extraordinnaire  #theres literally nothing else to do in this town LMAO
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### Untitled Post

*Posted on October 6, 2007.*

URMOTHERATEMYDOG

[Image Desc: Gifset from the movie Suspiria(1977)]

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> Who is it? Who’s there? Ah, I’ve been expecting you! The American girl! I knew you’d come. You want to kill me! You want to kill Helena Markos!
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> **Suspiria** (dir. Dario Argento, 1977)
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FLORAFLOW

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> okayyyy so i dont usually like horror movies but ive been on a lil bit of a kick recetnly. first pans labyrinth, now this one! i must say, i havent felt so much intensity from a movie before idk how to even explain it. just like the colors and the music literaly took my breath away, i felt like i was drowning in it, ya kno?? i know that probs sounds crazy weird but oh well. this is the first time ive looked at a movie and been like “this is art” – still kind of in awe tbh  (〇o〇；)
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> funny story tho: i was putting stuff in my locker when out of the corner of my eye i saw someone walking right up to me. i was confused cuz like nobody interacts with me besides teachers and ana so i was like WTF??? before i could turn to look at them, i heard the person just say, “hey ur flora right?” it was James!!! i honestly couldnt believe it cuz like nobody as cool or intriguing as James has ever spoken to me b4 so i was still like W T F ? ? ? but then he was like u dropped this and gave me my nightmare before xmas keychain  (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)  i was so freaking embarrassed i was just like thanks and took it from him without even looking at him but then he was like, so u like movies? and i said yeah and he was like, what kind? and cuz i wanted to make him think i was cool (hahahahaha) i said horror movies  (ﾉ∀＼\*) anyway he said those are his favorite too and told me i should watch this one.
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> ughhh i know i sound sooooo lame right now but its hard for me to make friends here. i feel so out of place. but James seems different from a lot of the ppl here… i rlly hope we can become friends….. (or maybe more……)
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> anyway i asked ana if she wanted to come over and watch the movie with me but she said she was too scared (she doesnt like gore). so i watched it by myself. in the dark. ⊙﹏⊙
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> 1. Diary
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### unhappy birthday to meee

*Posted on October 14, 2007.*

> k so that is me being overly dramatic but still im not feeling HAPPY. idk my mom and tia are OBSESSED with birthdays. its a cultural thing. like paraguayans crap themselves over birthdays and you HAVE to celebrate them the DAY OF, or else its bad luck. actually i think it might just be a them thing cuz i dont rember anyone else caring that much abt them lulz
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> basically it was just a family celebration + ana. my parents and tia made a bunch of delicious food – pao de quiejo, arroz con pollo, empanadas, and flan (FLAN IS MY FAVORITE). my mom even let me drink wine! they offered some to ana but she declined lol, shes a goody two shoes. my family spent literally all day making this feast for me and yet ….. i just felt so sad. and lonely. and weird. idk,,
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> i know i should have been so grateful. but all this food just reminded me of when we lived in paraguay. we left there when i was 5 and nobody will tell me what happened but i know it had something to do with my tia and carmen’s dad. but hes been out of the picture since basically we got here. like i literally have NO IDEA what happened there or where he went 눈\_눈 so weird. whatever happened, we all live here in this town that never gets any more interesting or worth living in. and i guess we cant really go back. i miss my old friends. i miss the warmth. i miss our vecinos. i miss playing in the red dirt. i miss our mango tree. ugh
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> i feel so lousy. i just tried to keep a smile on my face but i really just wanted to cry.
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> i want to go back. i will go back. idk when, but i will. whether my mom will allow it or NOT.
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> anyway, mom didnt really get me gifts (besides the feast of course, and the laptop last month) but tia got me this cute little journal. its green, leathery and even has a lock! i kinda prefer having an online diary tho cuz of the gifs lololol. but i might be able to make some use of it, we will see i suppose.
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> 1. diary  #sweet sixteen  #or was it a sour sixteen?  #maybe just a sad sixteen
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### Untitled Post

*Posted on October 17, 2007.*

> [Image Desc and Transcript: screenshot of a Gmail Chat Log
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> Ana.Brink@Gmail.com \_ X
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> me: sooooooo
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> me: when ya gonna get a tumblr???
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> me: hmmmmmm??
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> Ana: when u read lotr, ya pile of poo
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> [Note the Emoji used on this page is the modern depiction for U+1F4A9, the emoji used in the image is from the 2008 Google Gmail Emoji Set]
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> Ana: 💩💩💩💩💩
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> Ana: 💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
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> [unsent] omg ewwww xD xD
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> ]
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> still trying to convince ana to get a tumblr so we don’t have to gmail each other like KIDS! she knows I wont read lord of the rings,, it puts me to sleep!!! i have tried to read the hobbit like 15 times n everytime,, i doze off! maybe i will just sparknotes it… xD
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> 1. diary  #ana is a pile of poo
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### Untitled Post

*Posted on October 31, 2007.*

> [Image Desc: Picture of Flora Gonzalez cosplaying as Harry Potter]
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> **~~HALLOWEEN~~** is my fav holiday **EVER**
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> I dressed as Harry Potter lolololol
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> Ana dressed as Hermione and she looked SO cute but she wont let me post a photo cuz she’s shy,,,,, she is SUCH a technophobe!!
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> 1. diary  #hp is life  #im actually a ravenclaw tho
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### Untitled Post

*Posted on November 06, 2007.*

> I *swear* they make the scholarship kids work 5000x **harder** than the other students at Bogwick Academy. the other students go to parties and hang out after school, meanwhile **I’M** drowning in homework, plus I have to work at the library after school as part of my scholarship which is **SO** boring. can you believe I also have to write thank you letters **EVERY MONTH** to **ALL** the donors that make scholarships possible??? ***EVERY MONTH!***
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> What little time I do get to myself I have to spend taking care of my prima Dx ,,, Not that Carmen is a handful or anything. tbh she’s pretty quiet and mostly keeps to herself (*mostly*), but she’s also kinda…… *weird?* idk I just always feel like I catch her doing the weirdest crap LOL. at least, she’s not annoying, I guess. *Except for when she snoops thru my stuff!!!!!*
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> 1. diary  #i also have barely any time to hang out with ana :(((  #we chat over gmail alot but its not the same
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### I'm Not Okay

*Posted on November 10, 2007.*

> jk I am okay lol. but I love that song by mcr xD
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> Some things have improved. Ana has been hanging out with me while I work at the library (we just have to talk rly quietly so the head librarian doesn’t shush us or scold us). I’m doing really well in school. I have A’s in all my classes and I have an A+ in English, which makes sense cuz it’s my fav class. What can I say? I’m a literature nerd.
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> I still don’t have the courage to talk to James much. Motsly I have just been gazing at him longingly from afar. Hopefully he doesn’t notice. Ana says I need to man up and ask him to practice guitar with me after school or something, which is a really clever idea but the thought of it makes my stomach do somersaults *ahhhhhh* (⊙﹏⊙✿)
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> ***\*sigh\**** I’m gonna be really bummed when I don’t have guitar with him next semester. I really really hope we have a class together again tho
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> 1. Diary
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> Notes:
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> * As noted in the post, "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" was the lead single from My Chemical Romances second album, "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge", released in 2004.
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### ~The Value of Privacy~

*Posted on November 17, 2007.*

> I feel like I really ought to be using the adorable green journal my Tia gave me. It was such a thoughtful gift. Plus, there’s something terribly romantic about writing with pen and paper in a leatherbound journal. I’m just worried about my mom or Carma snooping in it. I know it has a combination lock, but it could be brute-forced open pretty easily. I guess I’ll just have to keep it where I keep all my most precious belongings–**the chest**.
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> So old-school, right? Well, Carma and I have this really old chest in our room–it was there when we first moved in. When we first checked out the room when I was really little, the key was sitting on top of it, and cuz I was little and liked collecting lil’ artifacts and such, I snatched it up right away. I’ve held onto it ever since. Carmen knows I keep stuff in there and she’s always begging me to let her see inside, but I told her you’ll have to wait until your older! (LOL such a **mom** line!) I couldn’t think of a better excuse, *oh well*.
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> Anyway, I keep the key on me at ALL TIMES so no pests can get their grimy hands on it and poke around in my special, private, personal spot.
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> It’s kinda fun to have a lil’ secret all to yourself. (¬‿¬)
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> 1. diary
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### Untitled Post

*Posted on November 16, 2007.*

> This is gonna sound so weird but I kinda miss hanging out in the bog. Wonder when I’ll be able to hang out there again. I just have so little time ugh (⁎˃ᆺ˂)
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> 1. diary
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### Weird Day at Work

*Posted on November 19, 2007.*

> So I work at the Nettlebrook Public Library, rite? It’s nearby Bogwick Academy so I just walk over after school every day. I guess it’s not the *worst* job, but it IS boring as hell. I mostly just do my homework and read, if Ana isn’t visiting. Luckily, I don’t have to interact with ppl very often. Until TODAY.
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> I was at the front desk, my usual haunt, when this old man hobbled in and beelined for me. He had white hair and a scraggly white beard and he was wearing several layers of clothing. He kinda looked like a stereotypical hobo. He was tall but stood with a hunch so he was looming over me. I said, “Hello, sir. How can I help you?” like I always do.
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> He squawked, “Where are the archives?” His voice was gravelly and loud and took me aback. “Well??” he barked.
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> I told him the archives are in the far back of the library.
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> “Not those archives,” he growled. “Those only go back to 1990.”
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> I wasn’t sure what to say. “I’m sorry, we don’t have any other archives, as far as I know…”
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> Then he said something that actually kinda struck me. He said, “A historical town obsessed with its own history, that worships and celebrates its founders every year, only has archives that date back to 1990?”
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> “There was a fire…” I said. I remember the head librarian telling me that.
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> “A fire!” The hobo cackled. People began looking over. I wanted to shrink, melt, disppear, ANYTHING.
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> The hobo stopped suddenly and got very serious. “There are books here that date back to the 1800s. How did those survive the fire, missy?”
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> “I don’t know,” I said. For once, I was praying for the head librarian to come over so she could save me from this nightmare situation.
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> “Of course you don’t,” he snarled.
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> Then the clouds parted and out came the head librarian like an angel from heaven. “Sir, you must lower your voice. This is a library,” she said as she strolled up behind me.
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> The hobo came closer to me, so close I swear I could feel the stinky heat of his breath on my face. “You don’t know because they don’t want you to know.”
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> “That is enough, sir. If you don’t leave this instant, I will call the police,” the head librarian said as coldly and sternly as she always says things, but which was now finally appropriate.
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> He turned around and walked back out the door, grumbling all the way.
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> “Don’t mind him,” said the head librarian. I think she could tell I was still in shock. “The man’s a recluse. I haven’t seen him skulking about town in years, but every so often he emerges from the bog to harrass townspeople.”
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> I told her how adament he was about seeing the archive.
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> “Heaven knows why,” she sighed. “He’s completely lost his marbles, he’s a danger to himself.The handful of times they managed to lock him up for disturbing the peace, the Sheriff told me he was ranting and raving about all sorts of conspiracy theories. They would only hold him for a few hours because he would never tire of his tirades. Thankfully, he’s more of a bogdweller and doesn’t pester us too often.”
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> The head librarian had never spoken to me in such a cavalier way before. I wasn’t sure how to respond to her unexpected non-chalance, since I’ve become accustomed to her shushing, glaring, and occasional scolding.
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> She told me that if he ever bothers me again, that I shouldn’t hesitate to call the cops. “And stay away from the bog,” she warned. “Heaven knows what that man gets up to in there.”
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> I nodded as she walked away, probably to go call the sheriff and alert him of the hobo sighting. Thankfully, the rest of my shift was not so eventful, but this strange interaction has been rolling around in my brain all day (and night). The bogdwelling lunatic, though he may a bogdwelling lunatic, made an interesting point. Did we really lose **all** the archives in the fire? How devastating! Though I hate to admit it, I have developed an acute fondness for history and literature since attending Bogwick. And now that I think about it, we *have* studied several old records from Nettlebrook’s past in history class… maybe Bogwick has its own private archive? That would make sense. And the newspaper probably has an archive too! Maybe Bog Man is just looking in the wrong place…
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> 1. diary  #library drama  #the bogman cometh
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> Notes:
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> * While not stated directly, the strange man is most likely Scout Holloway.
> * The bogman cometh is a play on the title of American Playwright Eugene O'neils 1939 play "the Iceman Cometh", there are not any clear parallels between the themes of the play and her post suggesting that the tag is simply a snowclone.
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### Untitled Post

*Posted on November 22, 2007.*

> [Image Desc: White Flower]
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> Spending my thanksgiving break dreaming about James…
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> I’m pathetic  (；一\_一)
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> But I am thankful for my lil’ family and for Ana’s BIG family (we celebrate holidays together)
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> 1. diary  #ana vowed to pinch me everytime I pout or look pensively into space so that should be fun  #what would i do without her
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### Is This A Dream??

*Posted on December 05, 2007.*

> SO. UMM. CRAZY NEWS??? I am quivering like a ninny as I write this, I can’t even believe this happened. Okay, okay, have to calm down and document this momentous occurance.
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> So I’ve been practicing like CRAZY for this solo in my guitar class, rite? One of my fingertips was literally bleeding, I was practicing so hard (which made me feel pretty hardcore tbh). Anyway, today I did my solo and it actually went really really well! I played “Blackbird” by The Beatles and I only messed up a lil’ bit at the beginning (cuz of nerves), but as I kept playing, I got more into it and started feeling more confident. As soon as I was done tho, I remembered I was playing in front of a whole classroom of ppl, including the most gorgeous boy I’ve ever seen, and I basically sprinted to my seat before I could get a look at anyone’s face. They clapped, like they did for everyone else, but I still felt my stomach drop to my knees and my whole face was burning hot. I was wishing I could shrink and crawl inside my guitar and just live there for the rest of my life.（/｡＼)
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> But now for the really crazy part…
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> When the bell rang, I was rearing to rush out of the classroom when I felt someone lightly touch my arm and softly say my name. I turned around and there was **James**.
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> I felt my heart begin to thump again and I prayed to the heavens that I wasn’t turning a humiliating shade of red. To my surprise, he seemed kinda nervous too. He told me I did an amazing job (**!!!!!!!!!!!**) and I think I mumbled “thank you” or something, when he continued, “I’d love to hear you sing sometime.”
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> I was honestly taken aback. “How did you know I sing?” I asked him, the utter shock probably visible on my face.
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> Then he said, “Oh, I mean, I know you’re in the choir. I have some friends in choir too.” He smiled bashfully and I swear I could have peed my pants he was so cute. He has these big, mesmerizing puppy dog eyes that just completely captivated me, stunned me.
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> “Yeah,” I said dumbly, unable to conjure another thought.
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> “You know Christa Fuller?” he asked. I nodded (she’s one of the popular girls and she won homecoming queen this year). He went on, “Christa’s in choir too. Anyway, there’s a party at her place on Friday and I was wondering if you wanted to come?”
>
>
> By this point, I had lost the capacity for speech so I simply smiled and nodded like an idiot.
>
>
> “Cool,” he said and he handed me a scrap of notebook paper with Christa’s address on it. Beneath it was a phone number. “That’s mine,” he said, “you know, if you ever want to talk or anything.”
>
>
> “I don’t have a cell,” I squeaked.
>
>
> “That’s fine,” he said, flashing me with another achingly adorable grin. “We can talk at school. And you can let me know if you need directions to Christa’s, or even a ride there.”
>
>
> “Ok,” I squeaked.
>
>
> “I mean, yeah, I can give you a ride. I’ll pick you up at 8?”
>
>
> “Yeah,” I said breathlessly.
>
>
> Then he was like “cool, I’ll see you around” or something, but I had already floated up into the clouds, so bloated with elation that nothing again could anchor me to the earth. I walked out of that classroom in a daze, I went to work in a daze, I came back home in a daze, I’m still kind of in a daze RIGHT NOW.
>
>
> **I’ve never been to a party before. What do I wear? CRAP WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT MY MOM?? Why am I FREAKING OUT so much about being invited to a party with a bunch of PREPS? Oh, right, because I think it just might be… a DATE??? (´⊙ω⊙`)！**
>
>
>
> 1. diary  #!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  #!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  #01101101 01110101 01100011 01101000 01101101 01101111 01110010 01100101
>

Notes:
* the binary translates to "muchmore"

### Untitled Post

*Posted on December 06, 2007.*

> So Ana and I have concocted a plan ! I went to her house after dinner yesterday and told her everything, and she came up with the idea of a “sleepover” \*wink, wink\*. She’ll invite me over for a sleepover, to get me out of my house. Then I’ll actually go to Ana’s house, so her parents see that I’m there. Then Ana will help me get ready, and *then* I’ll sneak out. I told James to meet me at the Tempers’ old barn, by the woods (it’s almost totally deserted around there, so no one will see us). Then I just have to be back at Ana’s before sunrise!
>
>
> 1. diary  #I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING  #DO I SOUND TOTALLY RIDICULOUS????  #PROBABLY!!!!!!!!!!!!  #01110100 01101111 01110011 01100101 01100101
>
>
>

Notes

* Binary Translates To "To See"

### The Best Laid Plans...

*Posted on December 08, 2007.*

> I’m feeling really conflicted about everything right now. On one hand, Ana and I’s plan worked (!), but on the other hand, the night did not go as expected...
>
>
> I’ll start from the beginning.
>
>
> I could barely sleep Thursday night, I was so excited for Friday’s festivities. I was jittering all day and couldn’t stop myself from smiling, kids at school probably thought I looked like a clown. In guitar, I tried to play it cool lol. James and I didn’t sit next to each other and I avoided looking at him all class. I was afraid if I did, I would burst. But he managed to snag me again after class (my heart did skip a beat, they way it always does around him) and he asked me if I was sure he should pick me up at the old barn. He said it didn’t seem safe. I told him it was fine (but I was internally screaming at how cute his concerned face looked). He was like “idk...” so, regrettably, I was forced to tell him about the barrenness of my social life, i.e. how I was planning on sneaking out because my mom would never let me go to a party, much less with a BOY. He cautiously agreed, which was pretty sweet. I was worried he would think I was a loser, but he really just seemed genuinely worried about me.
>
>
> Work felt *excruciating*. I bolted straight to Ana’s as soon as my shift ended. I had to sacrifice some textbooks to make room in my backpack for some clothing options for the party. Ana thought I should wear black, cuz black is a mysterious and alluring color, but I reminded her that this was a PREPPY party and she was like “ok so what do preps wear?” and I realized I didn’t really even know since everyone wears uniforms at school. Ana rolled her eyes and was like, “are you really gonna dress up all disney channel to make some lame rich kids like you?” and I was like “touche” lol.
>
>
> Ana INSISTED on the black so I wore one of my lacy black camis and Ana leant me her black skinny jeans. I also put on a slew of rosaries (including my favorite one, which had black beads), Madonna-style. Ana said I kinda look like Aly and AJ from the “Potential Breakup Song” music video, which I guess qualifies as disney channel sorta xD
>
>
> Ana and I don’t really wear makeup (besides Baby Lips lip balm) so she snuck some from her mom to put on me. Just some shimmery gold eyeshadow, mascara, and lipgloss. The lip gloss was called Juicy Tubes and it smelled DELICIOUS. Ana said that lip gloss makes guys unconsciously look at your mouth because the shininess draws more attention to them. I was like “how would you even know that???” and she was like “I READ IT IN SEVENTEEN, SUE ME” hahahahaha
>
>
> (God sorry am I boring you? Wait. Who am I even apologizing too?? LMAO xD)
>
>
> Anyway, at 7:45-ish, I stole out Ana’s bedroom window into the night! I felt that same rush I felt when Ana and I went on our nighttime bog excursion, it was exhilarating.
>
>
> I had my scuffed-up, old tennies on for the walk to the Tempers’ barn (it’s technically closer to my house than to Ana’s, the Tempers are basically my next-door neighbors--I’ll get into that in a bit). I spotted two red tail lights radiating in the dark, casting an eerie red glow into the woods by the road. I clicked off the lil’ flashlight I brought and hurried to the car--a midnight black pick-up truck--with excitement, until I realized that I wanted to act cool so I slowed down a lil’ bit (as though he could even see me at this hour lol).
>
>
> I peered into the passenger window, suddenly struck with the fact that I didn’t even know if this was actually James or not. But the mystery man flicked on the inside light, which promptly illuminated James’ angel face. (´∀｀)♡ He smiled earnestly then fumbled to unlock the car door, which was VERY endearing. I climbed inside and he said, “Hey,” to which I responded, “Hey” in kind.
>
>
> I’m afraid to report that those were about the only words we spoke to one another during that car ride. I was too occupied trying not to nervously glance at James constantly (and failing miserably). I think I could tell he was nervous too !! His eyes seemed glued in front of him, his body rigid, except for his Adam’s apple, which was bobbing noticeably.
>
>
> When I wasn’t doing my nervous glancing, I too was staring straight ahead, suddenly very aware of the sound of my winter coat squishing against my seat. Speaking of winter coat, James wasn’t wearing one. Instead, he wore a slightly oversized black leather jacket. Obviously it was genuine leather and in good condition, like he takes care of it. Again, I nobly attempted not to swoon.  ₍՞◌′ᵕ‵ू◌₎♡
>
>
> Morrissey drifted from the stereo, bathing our awkward silence in his droopy, lilting timbre. Thank *GOD* for music.
>
>
> You could tell when we passed the threshold into Nettlebrook proper, where the dirt roads turn to cobblestoned streets, alit by antique gaslights. We wound our way up the hill overlooking main street (and the bog) and the further up we went, the more extravagant the houses became. I mean, these were mansions! Like OLD MONEY, frickin’ VICTORIAN mansions, the largest of which loomed over us, at the very top of the hill. It was more of an estate, enclosed by a tall gate--I assume this is where the Mayor lives. His home was flanked by two other majestic mansions, but I wasn’t sure to whom they belonged.
>
>
> James must have noticed my eyes bugging out of my skull, because he laughed softly and asked if I’d ever been on the hill before. I shook my head no, but then remembered that I actually had, when I was really young. I told him, “my mom took me for a walk around town, but when we started going up the hill, a police officer told us to go back, because it was private property.”
>
>
> “That’s really stupid,” James said, looking genuinely disappointed. “Well, we’re here.”
>
>
> Christa’s house was also a mansion, though it looked newer than the stately Victorian ones. Before we left the car, I remembered to change my shoes. I took off my old tennies and slipped into the black ballet flats I had brought with me. James opened the car door for me and even helped me out by holding my hand (such a gentleman!!) and I again felt the need to burst.
>
>
> Now... at the party is where things go wonky.
>
>
> To be continued.......
>
>
>
> 1. diary
>

### …Often Go Awry

*Posted on December 09, 2007.*

> I will try to recount the events to the best of my ability. Honestly, my recall has always been pretty amazing. Probably because I’m so used to observing things. I’m a very practiced observer (but unfortunately, not so practiced of a party-goer).
>
>
> Upon walking into Christa’s house, I was immediately overwhelmed. There was music playing, the house was OVERRUN with laughing, gyrating teens, some holding wine glasses, some holding red cups. I recognized many of them from school, but of course they were never as boisterous at school as they were in this environment. James said let’s get drinks so I followed him through to the back of the house. We passed by a couple kissing in a tucked-away alcove and there was a group of people taking shots in the kitchen. It felt like a movie. James led me to the backyard, where there were kegs, with people floating around nearby them, some of them smoking cigarettes.
>
>
> James bent down to pour us beer from the keg. I had never had beer before, so I was kinda curious about it. As we went back inside, I took a sip and almost spat it out (I hope nobody noticed lol). It tasted like carbonated sewage! I continued to take fake sips for the rest of the night, simply to blend in.
>
>
> I was feeling self-conscious surrounded by all the snug, brightly-colored tees covered in brand names, the mini skirts, and the Uggs. Oh, and the curious looks and stares didn’t help either. (－‸ლ)
>
>
> James spotted Christa sitting with people on a couch in the livingroom. James and I hovered over and took seats on the couch facing hers. The fireplace glowed and crackled behind her, turning her immaculately curled blond hair into a halo.
>
>
> Christa greeted us, beaming. She and James started talking, but I was having trouble focusing because I was staring at my leg, hovering inches away from James’, almost touching. I swear I could feel the heat radiating from him. Then some other guy jumped onto our couch from behind, tearing through the tension, and sending James toppling into me, almost spilling beer all over me! But my anger was fleeting as I felt James’ side pressing into mine and it took my breath away. Everyone else was talking about stuff I didn’t know anything about, but I didn’t care as I chose to bask in James’ warmth and the subtle intimacy of this small moment.
>
>
> That is until the girl sitting next to Christa rocked me back to reality and said, “So Flora, your name means ‘flower’ in Spanish, right?”
>
>
> I said yeah and she raised her eyebrows and said, “So exotic.”
>
>
> Then Christa jumped in, “Totally forgot to introduce you, Flora! I’m Christa, obviously, and this is Gen.”
>
>
> “With a G,” added Gen. Gen pointed to the rambunctious fellow on our couch and said, “That’s my buffoon of a boyfriend Bradley.” Bradley took a big swig of beer and held out his hand. I awkwardly shook it.
>
>
> Gen then bragged about how her family owned the best restaurant in town. Ericson’s? I told her I hadn’t heard of it, but of course I didn’t spend much time on Main Street, besides going to school or work.
>
>
> She laughed and said, “Right, of course.” Her tone suddenly became cooler as she said, “So what’s it like living next to the Bad Tempers?”
>
>
> I shrugged and told her I didn’t see much of the Temper couple, but they used to let Carmen and I play on their farm.
>
>
> “NO WAY,” Gen said, rather dramatically. Christa looked uncomfortable and even weakly tried to change the subject, but Gen continued, “You don’t know about *Izzy?*”
>
>
> I said, “I mean, I heard they lost their daughter a long time ago.”
>
>
> Gen raised her eyebrows and said into her glass of wine, loud enough for all of us to hear, “Yeah, more like **murdered**.”
>
>
> I felt James stiffen beside me.
>
>
> Christa piped up, “Gen, do we really need to talk about this? Pretty morbid, no?”
>
>
> “What?” Gen said, clearly fired up. “Flora should know who the truth about who her neighbors are!” Everyone looked on uncomfortably as Gen went on to reveal “the truth.” She said that Isobel “Izzy” Temper, who she emphasized was *also* a scholarship student, was Bogwick’s Spring Queen in 1999, but disappeared shortly after she was crowned. “People said she had a rough home life,” Gen said with mock concern. “The police wrote her off as a runaway, but a lot of people say her parents did it and probably just buried her somewhere on their property.”
>
>
> I was speechless. What do I even say to that? Suddenly, James stood up, his face a bit pale. He muttered something then took off.
>
>
> I wanted to follow him. I wish I HAD followed him. But I sat there frozen, feeling helpless and small, staring into my still-full cup of beer.
>
>
> Bradley scooted over, taking James’ spot. He rested his arm on the seatback behind me and leaned in uncomfortably close, so I could smell the beer on his breath. He asked me if I really wanted a man who scared so easy? But it came out slurred, because he was obviously VERY drunk. I felt queasy.
>
>
> Gen loudly interjected, “Wow, Flora, I can’t believe you had no idea your neighbors were psycho. But maybe that’s just how it is on the bog side of town.”
>
>
> Both Christa and Bradley were like “What the fuck, Gen?!” and Gen rolled her eyes and stormed off. Bradley went after her. I was honestly too relieved that they had left to even feel hurt by the BS Gen had spewed. I guess I should have expected this. No one was nice to me at school, why would that change just because I showed up to one of their keggers?
>
>
> As the rest of the party-goers, who had been half-listening to our whole conversation, were now focused on Gen and Bradley’s theatrics, I was surprised when Christa got up from her couch to sit beside me.
>
>
> “Not a beer drinker, huh?” Christa said, peering into my cup. Before I could respond, she laughed and said, “It’s okay, I know it probably tastes like piss. Bradley get his kegs from who knows where. I can show you to the good stuff.”
>
>
> I followed Christa as she led me to a more secluded part of her house, where the door to her basement was. She produced a key from the pocket of her bright white short-shorts and opened the door. She flicked on the light and led me downstairs. Part of me wondered if this would just be the next stage of some hazing ritual I didn’t know about, but Christa seemed sincere and I was craving a bit of sincerity at this point. Also didn’t mind a reprieve from the party noise.
>
>
> Her basement was just as luxurious as the upstairs, if not more, because there was a fully-stocked bar. Christa disappeared behind it and emerged holding a very expensive looking bottle of champagne. She popped it open with a dish cloth and let it bubble over into the sink. Then she poured us both flutes of the fizzing liquid. I was enchanted.
>
>
> She smiled at me, seeming genuinely friendly and clinked my glass. When she took a sip, I took a sip, and was surprised by the taste. It was kinda sweet, but also vinegar-y? The taste, however, was drowned out by the bubbles. The only times I had had a taste of alcohol was at church with the communion wine (and, of course, the garbage juice upstairs), but this tasted how I thought alcohol should taste. Luxurious.
>
>
> “Sorry about Gen,” Christa said. “She can be a major bitch sometimes, but… we still love her.” Christa smiled apologetically. “She and Bradley are just in a fight right now, so I guess she decided to take it out on someone. It really had nothing to do with you.”
>
>
> I could tell she wanted me to say something so I said, “yeah, I get it.”
>
>
> “Anyway,” she continued, stepping ever so closer to me. “Are you and James, like, an ITEM?”
>
>
> I felt my face–nay, my whole body–flush. “Oh, uh, I don’t really know,” I stammered.
>
>
> “Well, I approve. He’s a sweetheart, really sensitive.”
>
>
> That reminded me. “Oh crap!” I exclaimed. “I should find James.”
>
>
> I thanked Christa for the champagne and rushed upstairs to look for James. I quickly realized how large the house was, how loud, and I felt like it was all closing in on me. In short, I was in full-blown panic mode.
>
>
> Christa must have followed me from the basement because she reappeared in front of me, looking concerned. She said I could crash at her place if I needed to. I declined, but Christa insisted, probably sensing how freaked I was. So I confessed to her that I need to get home because my mom didn’t even know I was here and she would kill me if she did. Christa then offered to drive me home herself, which was crazy thoughtful of her. I thanked her a bunch and told her I was sorry for making her leave her own party. She assured me that she didn’t mind and that she preferred smaller get-togethers anyway. As we drove into the night, she also reassured me that James was probably fine, but it was shitty of him to leave me hanging. I’m still not sure how to feel about it.
>
>
> When we got to the Tempers’ barn, Christa remarked how creepy it was at night, but she quickly added that “everything Gen said about the Tempers was bullshit.” I appreciated that.
>
>
> Christa was still a lil’ wary of dropping me off in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night, but it was my turn to reassure her that it was alright. As she drove off, leaving me to be swallowed up shadows, it started to snow. It glittered as it fell, painting the earth with frost.
>
>
> I thought about running. Just running into the bog and never coming out. I suddenly felt myself doing it, I started running. Well, rushing, really, because it was hard to run in my flats. I let myself be swallowed by the woods across from the barn. I rushed until I couldn’t anymore and I fell against a tree and sunk to the ground. It was really cold. I thought about being a tree, standing together against the winter chill. I thought about falling asleep, but knew that would spell my demise. I got up and made my way back to Ana’s house. By the time, I got there, I couldn’t feel my feet anymore, the snow was gone, and the sky was a pale violet. I could even hear birdsong. I climbed in through Ana’s bedroom window, which woke her up. She sat up and peered at me wearily. She rubbed her eyes and asked me how it went. I told her it snowed. Then I collapsed into bed with her and burst into tears.
>
>
>
> 1. diary #thank you for reading my novel #I think my feet may be frostbitten #great #01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101101 01101001 01101100 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100111 01101111 00100
>

Note:

* The Binary Translates to "and miles to go�".

the last symbol [00100] translates to 4 in ASCII which is the designation for ␄, (end of transmission), however Binary Code converts to ASCII and modern computers parse charaters using UTC-8 which has a different designation for this symbol. This is why the last character is replaced with the Replacement Character, (�), which denotes a symbol which cannot be read by a computer. Its unknown why this mistranslation occured but given that the charater is written with 5 bits, (as opposed to 4 which would have been a half-byte), and the fact that the question mark designation is [111111], there is the possiblilty it was delibrate.

* This and the previous title are an allusion to the Scottish Proverb "The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men often go Awry" often attributed to Scottish Poet Robert Burns. However Flora would have most likely been more famaliar with the 1937 Novella by John Steinbeck, "Of Mice and Men". This book is often required reading in American High School usually around 9th or 10th grade.

### BRB just having a heart attack for NO REASON

*Posted on December 9th 2007.*

I thought that journaling about Friday’s events would make the whole sordid ordeal stop playing in my head on loop, but it hasn’t. I’ve been mulling over it ALL weekend, I feel like I’m going CRAZY. I could barely focus on my homework!

Oh also my feet got kinda frost-bitten (;¬\_¬) (;¬\_¬) way to go, me. I couldn’t hide it from my mom, who is a nurse, and she totally FREAKED out on me, but I played it cool (cool as frost bite ;P) and I just told her that Ana and I made a bonfire and hung out outside for too long. She bought it, but not before scolding me and saying I need to be more careful if I want to have any more sleepovers. AND she went off on me about how ratty and old my favorite tennis shoes are and how I need to buy new ones and I nobly refrained from firing back, “WITH WHAT MONEY?!?!” even tho I really wanted to. I really, really just wanted to drop the subject. Hopefully she doesn’t question my missing ballet flats, which I entirely sullied with my romp in the bog, whoopsies (;¬\_¬)

Which reminds me! I left my aforementioned tennis shoes in James’ car. I don’t know if I’ll ever see them again. I guess it’s just school-sanctioned mary janes for me now.

[Image Caption: A Gif of a young girl in Mary Janes stepping in a marsh. Taken from the film Pans Labyrinth(2006)]

I’m really not looking forward to school tomorrow. Choir is gonna be torture. I wish I could stay as far away from Gen Ericson as I can, but we’re both Soprano 2’s (；￣Д￣）And James? I’m still just so confused by everything that happened Friday... Do I avoid him? Do I CONFRONT him?? Is it too late to drop out of my guitar class even though we literally only have 1 week left of the semester???

OK OK OK I need to calm down  ￣Д￣＝３

Carma has been bugging me INCESSANTLY to watch a scary movie with her so maybe I’ll show her Pan’s Labyrinth since Ana already pirated it for me. Maybe watching a movie will help me take my mind off things...

[Image Caption: GIf of the iconic scene in Pans Labyrinth where The Pale Man presses his opens his eyes which are placed in his hand stigmatas. It makes sense in context.]

#diary #i told carma she has to be chill #cuz if our moms find out i let her watch a RATED R movie THEY WILL KILL ME

### I don’t care if monday’s blue

*Posted on December 10th 2007.*

I had a good day, I think! Idk it was kinda weird TBH...

Sooooooo first of all, I should of NEVER let Carmen watch Pan’s Labyrinth. I could tell she was genuinely scared of the Pale Man, but afterwards I asked if she was scared and she was like, “NOPE I LOVED IT!” but later that night, after we had gone to bed, I heard her clamber down from the top bunk, then she poked me and asked if she could sleep with me cuz she was indeed scared. I said yeah, but she tossed and turned ALL night SMH... #bigsisterprobs

Anywaysssss SCHOOL.

Choir was *slightly* torturous. Christa Fuller smiled at me and I smiled back but was too nervous to actually talk to her. And the fact that I could feel Gen Ericson’s eyes burning into the back of my head all class period didn’t help my nerves. When the bell mercifully rang, I bolted to the cafeteria for lunch. Lunch, of course, is my LEAST favorite part of the school day, as I don’t really have any friends. Normally, I like to pack my own lunch so then I don’t even have to go to the cafeteria and I can just find an unoccupied nook somewhere and eat all by myself. But because of the Carma situation, I slept in a lil’ and didn’t have time to make one. I considered just not eating at all and retiring to my aforementioned nook, but I’m glad I chose to go to the cafeteria that day cuz something cool happened:

There I was, sitting on the outskirts, munching on carrots, reading a book, pretending James wasn’t in the same room as me, as per usual, when I saw someone sauntering up to me. I looked up nervously, praying it wasn’t Gen or Bradley, and my prayers were (kinda) answered cuz instead it was Christa standing before me, holding her lunch tray.

Unnecessarily long story short: Christa invited me to sit with her and the POPULAR girls! I half-wondered if she was doing it out of pity, cuz she bore witness to how epic of a fail Friday’s party was for me. But I couldn’t say no. I sat with them. The light from the stained glass windows at the center of cafeteria pouring onto us, like we were ANGELS or something. I did my best to avoid making eye contact with Gen who didn’t look particularly pleased (in fact, she looked downright PISSED, but whether that was cuz of her fight with Bradley, or my presence at the lunch table, I couldn’t say). Christa introduced me to everyone and thankfully, they didn’t ask me anything so I just had to smile and nod along while they had their own convos.

The whole time, I could sense James behind me, at the popular boys table. Like me, he wasn’t always in the cafeteria for lunch, and when he was, he usually had his earbuds in, listening to his iPod. This was the case today. It made me wish I had an iPod, so *I* could tune out the world too...

When guitar class came around, I considered skipping it. I have never skipped class IN. MY. LIFE. In fact, I’ve never even been LATE to class. But the thought of being in such close proximity with James, having to pretend I wasn’t stressing out, was REALLY stressing me out.

I gathered all my courage and walked into the classroom and went to my seat with my head down. I didn’t even want to know what James’ reaction (or *worse*, lack thereof) would be. But when I got to my seat I was surprised to see it was occupied... by my ratty, old tennis shoes.

Obviously, this flustered me a bit. I quickly sat down, my face getting hot. *He didn’t even have the balls or decency to give them back to me himself?* As class started, I scrambled to put the shoes in my backpack, when I noticed a piece of folded up notebook paper sticking out of one shoe. I opened it discreetly and to my surprise, it read:

*“Sorry about Friday. Can I have a do-over? I promise I’ll put my best foot forward this time :)”*

I could feel my face flush. How UNBELIEVABLY CUTE, right???? I’m so glad all we had to do today was listen to ppl do their final guitar solos, cuz I’m not sure I would be able to keep my hands from shaking enough to play any guitar myself. Why was I shaking? Why am I like this??? Idk! But I took a deep breath and turned the note over and wrote:

*“Sure”*

At the end of class, I coolly walked up to James and gave him the note, careful not to appear too giddy, then I walked away.

Because I couldn’t help myself, I discreetly glanced behind me and saw James looking at the note and smiling that hearstopping half-smile.

Because I couldn’t help myself, I smiled too. Like an idiot. For the rest of the day. It’s on me as we speak.

(≧◡≦) ♡

#diary #christa was right #james really is a catch #who says catch anymore #OMFG #why am i literally 60 years old #oh well #teeheeheeheehee #when I told ana about the note she thought I was lying LMAO #she was like “pics or it didnt happen” xD xD

Notes:

* The title is a reference to the opening lines of "Friday I'm in Love" by The Cure, released on their 1992 album "Wish".

### whyyyyy

*Posted on December 19th 2007.*

Idk whyyyyyy I have to work at the library OVER WINTER BREAK! This HAS to be breaking some kind of child labor law!!!

There may be an upside to this indentured servitude tho..... I told my mom that I’m working at the library, but I told her I would be there longer than I actually am \*GASP\* (I might be getting TOO comfortable lying to my mom...)

Anyways this lil’ lie means I can spend some time James without my mom being suspicious of my whereabouts! ＼(＾▽＾)／ We’re planning on hanging out sometime after Christmas (we’ve been gmailing cuz he doesn’t have any social media, he would get along great with Ana!!). He invited me to go out for coffee, which is exciting but also scary cuz that feels so DATE-Y AHHHHHHHHHHHH

But it’s cool. I’m cool. It ain’t no big thang...

Okay, so it’s a little bit of a big thang  (/▽＼\*)｡o○♡

#diary #winter break? #more like winter BREAK ME OUTTA THIS INDENTURED SERVITUDE!!!

### MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

*Posted on December 25th, 2007.*

Even though Halloween is obviously my favorite holiday, it’s hard not to get into the Christmas spirit. And who doesn’t love getting gifts? xP

As is tradition, my family celebrates with Ana’s family. The Brinks are a huge family (Ana has 4 younger brothers!!). Anyway, my fam handles the cooking. My tia even puts Carma to work. Of course, we go to the Christmas Eve service at church, which is always a snoozefest, but this year Christa sang the coveted solo “Beautiful Savior” which was GORGEOUS. Mr. Phillips thinks I have a chance at doing the solo next year which is crazy cuz idk how I could possibly top Christa. Her voice is actually heavenly.

I felt really bad this year, tho, cuz I didn’t really get anyone gifts. I’ve been SO busy with school, plus I don’t have money to buy ppl anything. I burned a CD for Ana and gave her my copy of “Perks of Being A Wallflower” (my favorite book), I gave Carmen some of my hand-me-downs (including the Jurassic Park tee I’ve been using as pajamas for a while that she is obsessed with), and I sang my mom her favorite Christmas song from Paraguay. As for gifts I GOT, Carma drew a picture of me as a fairy princess/dragon ? (idk what is going on in that weird little head of hers LMAO), my mom got me new tennis shoes (but idk if I can bring myself to get rid of my old ones cuz of their sentimental value *~teehee~*), and Ana got me that Juicy Tubes lip gloss that smells like pink lemonade (YUM) and “Twilight” (another book she’s been begging me to read for a while, to help fill the void left by the Harry Potter series--*I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT*).

On Christmas day (today), the tradition is to go back to the Brink home and the adults enjoy their own merriment, while the kids watch movies in the basement. Carma insists we watch Gremlins every year since Ana’s dad introduced us to it a few years ago. So we watch Gremlins and Nightmare Before Christmas (cuz duh).

As I was sitting on Ana’s couch, I remembered sitting on the couch with James. As gremlins terrorized unsuspecting people on the TV, I imagined James next to me, looking on with amusement. I imagined our knees meeting, I imagined him coming close, his arm resting behind me, his smell, his heat. *\*sigh\** (❤ω❤)

I was getting so feverish I thought about getting up and taking a breather, but I remained beneath the blanket, sitting next to Ana who suddenly threw popcorn at my face. I was like “WTF” and she was like “what are you grinning about huh?”

How is it that best friends always know what’s up?

#diary #LOLOLOLOL #jesus forgive me for I am thinking unholy thoughts!!!!! #on this #the day of your birth!!!!! #I can't help that I'm a hormonal teenager OK??????

Notes:

* The Twilight Series was an incredible popular YA paranormal romance series. Twilight by Stephenie Meyers was first published in 2005. In Dec 2007, Meyers would have release her third book in the series, "Eclipse".
* The last book in the Harry Potter series, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows" was published in July of 2007. It was thought by many to be the end of the Harry Potter story, hence why Flora did not want to talk about it.
* The Nightmare Before Christmas(1993) was a stopmotion animated film produced by Tim Burton and is owned by Disney. The film was incredible popular with the Emo music scene at the time hence, "(cuz duh)"

### Our First Second Date... Sorta

*Posted on December 28th 2007.*

WOWOWOWOW (≧◡≦) ♡

So James and I went on our first date today! Well, first second date, or whatever... xD don’t worry, I’ll tell you ALLLL about it!

We met at the Hideaway, which is this cute little coffee shop across the street from the library. I was so excited and nervous as I made my way across the street after work, I thought I might explode. Will this feeling ever subside? *Or am I just going to feel like this always and I’ll just have to deal with it??* Anyway, when I walked in, I saw him sat all the way in the back. He jumped up and met me at the front. He paid for our food and drinks (for food, I got a grilled chicken sandwich with pesto and mozzarella, and for a drink, I got a latte).

So we sat in the back, in this private lil’ alcove. As I pretended to enjoy my latte (this was the day I discovered I don’t like coffee LOL), we talked and talked and talked. I was still really nervous, of course, because I’m me and I overthink everything even as I’m saying it, but the convo felt surprisingly easy-going. He didn’t have that air of superiority and aloofness that most of the other kids at school have. Even Christa, who is really sweet, still had that aura of untouchability. But with James... idk, it just felt like he was really opening up to me and I could open up to him too without fear of judgement.

We talked about school and how I feel like at school, I have to be so aware and self-conscious about how I come across? It makes me feel like I can’t say ANYTHING. It’s like I walk around on auto-pilot, too afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, that I don’t do or say anything AT ALL. Instead, I’m just trapped in my own head, exhaustively overanalyzing everything.

I realized I was kinda rambling and quickly clammed up and was like “sorry for rambling” but he just said, “I get that.” And he looked like he really meant it too. Not just like he was saying it to make me feel better.

I told him about how I was invited to the New Year’s Eve party at Bradley’s. He grimaced and said, “Yeah, ironically, that’s usually the biggest rager of the year. Which is why I usually don’t go.” I asked him why that was ironic and he revealed that Bradley’s dad is literally THE SHERIFF. Bradley Hawthorne is probably the biggest partier and underage drinker in all of Nettlebrook, but now that makes sense. He can do whatever he wants, it’s not like his dad is gonna throw him in jail!

James said things tend to get out of hand really quickly. Last year, a bunch of guys got totally wasted and went streaking, and the year before that, Bradley and another guy raced their snowmobiles down the hill. The other guy crashed and ended up in the hospital! But of course, nobody ever got in trouble.

He said the whole reason he invited me to Christa’s party was because his friends were hounding him to. HE doesn’t even enjoy going to parties most of the time. He also clarified that he wanted to hang out with me, just that he didn’t necessarily want to do that at a party (he was kinda blushing, I think!!! EEEEE). He said sorry again for what happened. He looked down and got really uncomfortable, then revealed to me that he suffers pretty badly from anxiety. He looked up at me really nervously, as though he thought I would be horrified by that.

I told him that I think I do too and he seemed to relax a bit. He said he’s had it since he was a kid, and his friends would make fun of him for being “sensitive” and a “chicken.” He said they still kinda do. I asked him why he was friends with them, if they treat him that way. He said they grew up together their whole lives. Their parents are all friends. He doesn’t really have a choice.

I could tell there was something different about James, something I could relate to. I guess we both are kind of outcasts, in our own way.

We also talked about music! It turns out we like a lot of the same artists and bands!!! Green Day, Muse, Coldplay, The Cure, even Paramore (I was not yet ready to reveal how to him OBSESSED I am with MCR and Evanescence). He also really likes David Bowie and says I should listen to his music. He hadn’t heard anything by Kate Bush, so I told him that that is his winter break homework LMAO! xD

He says he would still really like to hang out and play music sometime. Or just listen to music (he has a record player!!!). I was like, “Yes, absolutely!” but he warned me that his house isn’t as extravagant or well-kept as Christa’s or his other friends’ houses. I told him I could literally care less (cuz I don’t care LOL, I basically live in a shoe box). In fact, that’s kind of a relief to hear, cuz just being in as grand and luxurious a house as Christa’s made me really anxious.

Anyway, we were so immersed in our conversation that we barely touched our food. I realized how dark it had gotten outside and remembered I needed to get home for dinner. As I stood up from our table, he did too and we kinda stared at each other for a second. My heart was pounding again. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to hold him close. I wanted to KISS him.

But my brain went numb and I was like, “this was really fun!!” and then I REACHED OUT MY HAND AND I JUST KIND OF AWKWARDLY BRUSHED IT AGAINST HIS SHOULDER????? Like I basically just limply pawed at him??? He was like “yeah” but also looked kind of confused at what I was doing and I just spun around and zoomed out the door before I could further embarrass myself.

OH MY GOD OH MY OGD OH MY GOD WHY WHY WHY AM I LIKE THIS

I’m so so so embarrassed like WHAT WAS THAT

LOL but it went well besides that lil’ hiccup at the end there! I might leave out the last part when I tell Ana cuz I know she will never let me live it down. UGHHHHHH I AM IN PHYSICAL PAINNNNNNNN

#diary #EPIC FAIL

### it’s 2008!!!

*Posted on January 2nd, 2008.*

Can ya even believe it?

Ended up not going to the New Year’s party at Bradley’s. Just really not my scene. Ana’s mad cuz she really wanted me to go so I could report back to her about all the crazy shiz that went down. She was like, “Come on, Flora, let me live vicariously thru you!!!” but I was like NO WAY. I’d rather not get run over by a snow mobile... or a bunch of naked teens, thank you very much xD

James said he showed up for a second. People were apparently already wasted by the time he got there, which was pretty early on in the night. He left promptly. I feel a lot better knowing I’m not the only non-party-person at Bogwick.

A lil’ bummed cuz winter break is almost over, but I won’t get to hang out with James again until the beginning of the semester, cuz he says he’s really busy with stuff at home. I have no idea what that means. I don’t even know who his parents are--which is PRETTY WEIRD considering how obsessed most Bogwick people are with bragging about who their parents are and how much money they have (◔\_◔) Gen’s probably the worst of them, which is kinda funny, cuz like her dad just owns the grocery store. Why brag about that? Whateverrr.

I’m happy cuz James and I have Bible Study together! I’m not excited about having to take a bible study class every year, but at least James will be in it.

Anyway, I’m working on burning a CD for James as a late Christmas present! I’m definitely including “Wuthering Heights” by Kate Bush cuz that’s one of my all time favorite songs. Trying to decide whether I should slip an MCR one in there, or if I should hold off on revealing my emo side to him hahahaha. Ana says keeping secrets does not a “healthy” relationship make, but I really don’t think it’s *THAT* big of a deal LOL.

#diary #hope this year is 2000-great!!! #OMFG KILL ME

### On This Week’s Episode of Bogwick Kids Are Literally Insane...

*Posted on January 11th 2008*

Turns out James had the same idea as me, cuz he made me a mixtape too!!! That is pretty stinkin’ cute, you must admit. His mixtape had The Smiths, Fallout Boy (!!!!!), and some David Bowie songs. My favorite David Bowie song he included was “Heroes” cuz it’s just so romantic (*teehee*) I wonder if he meant it that way... (´ω｀\*)  “Cat People” is also awesome and badass! He also put on “The Man Who Sold The World” by Nirvana. It’s crazy to me that I haven’t gotten into David Bowie or Nirvana until now! I was majorly missing out!! I told James I loved his mixtape and I could tell he was really pleased (I think he even blushed!), however I did neglect to mention that I have literally been listening to it on repeat since he gave me it. Just thought withholding that fact may be for the best lolzzz ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Bummed to report that not only do I have Choir with Gen, but I also hav History class with her! That’s a lot of Gen for me in a day, especially cuz she *insists* on sitting next to me in History, plus I have to sit with her at lunch (well, I mean, I don’t HAVE to, but *you kno what i mean)*.

I spend most of the school day wishing I was in my Bible Study class so I can sit next to James (ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡ It doesn’t help that it’s the last class of the day! The longing whizzes in my brain and opens like a pit in my stomach all the day long. I want to sit with him at lunch too (*imagine us sharing earbuds and listening to “Heroes” on his iPod* !!!!!! my heart might burst just thinking about it *\*sigh of yearning\**). I *would* sit with him (especially cuz Gen kind of just talks about herself all lunch period), but girls and boys mixing during free periods is frowned upon SMH.

Speaking of Gen talking about herself, she was really going off on a tirade this week. I guess Gen and Bradley broke up at the New Year’s party and it was a WHOLE THING. Literally everyday during lunch AND history, she spilled the nitty-gritty details of everything that “went down” at Bradley’s New Year’s Eve party. God, that girl’s egotism gives me a headache.

I’ll recount what happened cuz, as stupid as it all is, it does make for some saucy drama:

So kinda early on in the night, Gen caught Bradley flirting with some “freshman nobody” (her words, not mine) in the hottub which led Gen to confront them both on the spot, humiliating the freshman girl who climbed out of the hottub, crying (Gen was proud of this). She said Bradley was pissed and claimed that they were “just talking,” which, admittedly, does sound like BS cuz I’ve never been in a hottub, but their ~*sensual*~ connotation is a pretty well-known fact, I’d say. Anyway, to get back at Bradley, Gen started flirting with Oliver Goodrich (Bradley’s best friend), sitting on his lap, touching his arms and such. Bradley, of course, witnessed this and started throwing a tantrum like a baby, yelling, throwing things. (Though, I would hardly describe someone of Bradley’s proportions as a BABY--he’s stocky and all muscle! Him throwing a tantrum sounds SCARY! Again, reinforcing my decision NOT to go to parties.) Anyway, all this hullabaloo reached its epic conclusion with Bradley basically challenging Oliver to a duel ??? CRAZY! They played chicken on their snowmobiles and Bradley won. Not sure WHAT exactly he won, cuz Gen still broke up with him in front of everyone. Which led Bradley to pushing Oliver’s snowmobile off the cliff. Of course, Oliver was not pleased about this and the two got into a proper fist fight. *ESCANDALO! [SCANDEL!]*

Yeah, so Bradley’s been pouting and fuming all week, Oliver and James have been sitting at their own table to avoid him, meanwhile Gen has been talking everyone’s ears off about the downright Shakespearean shenanigans at the party. In fact, Gen KEEPS bringing it up in history class when we’re supposed to be working and the teacher keeps shushing us, as tho I’m the problem somehow? Idk how to let him know *I SHARE HIS SENTIMENTS!*

Ana was practically giddy hearing me recount all of this. I swear, she treats my Bogwick life like a soap opera *\*eye roll\**.

How can I blame her, tho? It basically IS（ ￣￣ー￣￣）

Anyway, Christa told me on the low that Gen and Brad will probably get back together within the month, if not the week. These dramatic blow-outs are pretty standard for them, I guess. Soooo... *stay tuned*, as they say in show biz lol.

#diary #on this episode of avoid Bradley Hawthorne at all costs... #no but seriously #I live in fear of incurring either Bradley's or Gen's rage #I'm in the clear for now #still feel really bad for that freshman girl Gen humiliated #that could have easily been me... #remind me not to get in a hottub with Bradley Hawthorne smh #or stand too near a cliff... #(〇\_ｏ)

#### Notes:

* The style of taggin on this post is known as Comment Tagging, that is to comment using tags. The style is consistent with older tumblr culture and was considered part of the unspoken etiquette of the site.
* The next post of Flora's Tumblr is a Gif of Kurt Cobain, singing a lyric from The Man who sold the World. The Gif itself is from the 1993 MTV Unplugged Special which was one of Cobains last television appearences. The song itself was original written by David Bowie and deals with themes of authetity, self-identity, and self-doubt.

### the weirdness continuezzz

Posted on January 17th, 2008

I think Christa has noticed how tuned out I’ve been at lunch and stuff cuz she invited me to go shopping with her and Gen (barf) this weekend.

I’m feeling a lot of mixed emotions about it cuz like, on one hand, I’m kinda *honored* that the prettiest, most popular girl in school is inviting me to stuff (I kno how lame that sounds LOL)... but on the the other hand, while I appreciate how considerate Christa is (she really seems to want to make me feel included), it sometimes feels like her generosity borders on pity? Idk if that’s true or if I’m just being self-conscious tho...

Another con is that GEN will be there  (￣x￣;)  I can’t tell if Gen HATES me, or if she just reserves her disdain for EVERYONE. It’s just so *weird*, cuz like one day, she’ll act like we’re BFFs and try to gossip with me (of course, this means that SHE gossips, while I listen and vaguely pretend to be interested--she even told me I’m “such a good listener!” xD), then the next day she won’t even acknowledge my existence and will intentionally freeze me out of conversations!! At first, I feel hurt and frustrated, but then I remind myself how unpleasant it is to interact with Gen LOL. It may sting momentarily, but its ultimately less mind-numbing and energy-consuming to be IGNORED by Gen than it is to pretend to be engrossed by her endless gossip sessions.

Anyway, I agreed to go shopping with them. We’ll just have to see how that goes.

In other news, James has hung out with me a few time while I’m working at the library  (♡˙︶˙♡)  Mrs. Stone (the head librarian, whom everyone cruelly and sarcastically refers to as Mrs. “Stone-Cold Fox,” cuz she is anything but) seems a lot less bothered by him than she is by Ana. I suppose James does have that signature shy/quiet disposition that charms all the ladies, in contrast to Ana’s fiery, loud one. Her boisterous laugh does tend to fill up any room she’s in... but don’t tell her I said that!  ^\_^;

Anyways, I’ve been opening up to James more and more, I told him about Ana and my fam, and he seemed genuinely interested. Unfortunately, the openness has not been reciprocated... :/ Well, except he did tell me that he has a lil’ sister too. She’s roughly the same age as Carma, so I guess that’s pretty cute.

But *UGH* I just keep waiting for him to invite me to his house (cuz mine is off-limits of course), but he keeps avoiding the subject or coming up with some vague excuse. Idk how to feel about it... like, I’m fairly certain he’s into me (otherwise why would he be loping around a dusty old library in his free time?), but his reticence to divulge some key things about himself does concern me a smidge. But I guess that’s what I get for falling for a guy whose whole “thing” is being a mysterious loner... \*sigh\*

#diary #the cross i must bear #LOL

### just UGH

Posted on January 20th 2008.

Note: This post has been reformatted as the last sentence was encoded as a heading.

Shopping with Christa and Gen was pretty much a complete disaster, as Gen used every oppurtunity she could to mortify me.

Why did I even agree to this in the first place? It’s not like I could afford anything at the places we were going, and of course, Gen jumped at the chance to draw attention to that at every moment she could. Like she kept finding the most expensive clothes at whatever store we were at and suggesting I try it on, then when I would awkwardly decline, she would make a whole scene of being like, “OMG I’M SO SORRY, I KEEPT FORGETTING” and then she kept pointing out the sale sections to me  -\_\_-\*  I even noticed store workers kinda staring at me, like they could literally SMELL the Bog on me or something SMH.

I tried on some gold hoop earrings and Christa told me gold is definitely my color, which was super flattering. Preeeetty sure I blushed a lil’ bit xD

But I could tell Gen was not pleased by my receiving any positive attention from Christa. When Christa was in the changing room, Gen basically cornered me, wearing a wide, forced smile and said, in a voice so saccharine I could have thrown up, “Gold is my color too, but I would never be caught dead in hoops. They’re so...” I caught her slightly looking me up and down “...ya know.” She wrinkled her nose as though I was the human embodiment of a gym sock. I didn’t really react cuz I was honestly just so baffled by her brazen cruelty. Then she continued, coolly, like she hadn’t just underhandedly insulted me, “So you and James are, like, officially together now, right?”

My face betrayed me and turned beet red. I stammered, “I mean, we’re hanging out...” (so pathetic, I know)

“I didn’t know James ‘hung out.’ He REALLY likes keeping to himself. A little weird, no?”

I shrugged pathetically and looked down at my shoes, willing this interaction to end.

“I’m not, like, saying that’s a BAD thing! I get it, he’s mysterious. I mean, you know I know the dirt on EVERYONE at Bogwick, but he has always been a hard one to figure out, ya know?” I wasn’t really sure what Gen wanted me to say so I just kinda stayed silent. She continued, “What, so you aren’t even a little curious about what skeletons he could be hiding in his closet?”

Thankfully, Christa emerged from the dressing room looking as gorgeous as always and Gen instantly snapped to attention, showering her in compliments. I let out a sigh of relief, but at this point, I was so deeply anxious that I couldn’t even focus on anything happening around me. Gen had thoroughly shaken me up this time, and I don’t even know how! Just the way she talks, the way she makes you feel so small and stupid *UGH*. I don’t even remember the rest of the day.

**All I know is that I’m EXHAUSTED and am NEVER hanging out with Gen outside of school again.**

#diary #idk what Gen is even TALKING ABOUT half the time and yet she still manages to hurt my feelings #im tired of it #and I have to at least see her face every day for the foreseeable future HURRAYYYYYY

### Mystery Solved

Posted on January 24th 2008.

History class is the bane of my existence.

Not just because of Gen (well, *mostly* because of Gen) but rather cuz we’re barely taught anything! Not that anyone else cares SMH  -\_\_-

But seriously there are SO MANY GAPS in what they teach us! I would know, I watch the History Channel, I’ve read Ana’s dad’s National Geographic collection! All we learn about is American history and even then, all they really talk about is the stupid pilgrims and Nettlebrook’s founders. SO. LAME.

Speaking of which, I discovered something. Something I feel righteously stupid for not figuring out sooner.

We were in class, talking about the town’s founders, which is usually my cue to tune out, but when I was about to, the teacher went over the founder’s names when I heard a very familiar one: Graves. Then of course Gen elbowed me in the ribs with a wry grin on her annoying face and hissed, “Flora Graves has a nice ring to it. Hope you like the smell of embalming fluid.” I, as per usual, turned beet red. But in hindsight, it kinda seemed like like she had that line prepared for a while and was desperately waiting for the right time to use it, which is actually quite lame LOL.

Anyway, back to the real issue: *What is wrong with me?* How did I not realize James comes from a *FOUNDING FAMILY?* And that his did is the town’s funeral director? I guess that solves the mystery of why he was so hesitant to discuss anything about his family life with me. Or why he won’t invite me to his house.

IDK how to tell him he doesn’t have to be embarrassed about it. I mean, I get why he IS embarrassed-- his stuck-up friends relentlessly make fun of him for it. God, I *don’t know* how I didn’t put it all together until now...

Anyway, I’m not looking forward to our next big assignment. We’re supposed to document our *own* family history. UGH. Theres a million reasons why I hate this. I won’t get into it now tho cuz I have a metric BUTT-TON of homework to do. Peace out.

#diary

### My History: Mystery UNSOLVED

Posted January 27th, 2008.

I hate this stupid assignment *ughhhh*

Everyone at Bogwick is from Nettlebrook, and their families have lived her for generations. The Founding Families can literally trace their ancestry back to when they arrived in the U.S. as pilgrims-- and probably even before that! They have documents, texts, photographs, relics. I don’t have anything. I asked my mom about our ancestry and she said her and Tía’s parents (mí abuelos) were indios living on the countryside of Paraguay, but they died when she was really young. I stared at her, waiting for her to continue. She didn’t. Just continued kneading the mbejú we were gonna eat for dinner. Finally, I was like, “*y?*” ["and?"]

She was like “*Y, qué?*” ["and, what?"] and I, flustered, said “Mamá, what were their names? Do we have any other relatives? How did you end up living in the city?”

My mom sighed and was like, “*M’hija, te he dicho esto ya*” ["dear, I told you this already"] and I exclaimed, “NO YOU HAVEN’T!” cuz she literally never, ever sat me down and told me anything. Everything I know I overheard Mamá y Tia talking about when they thought I wasn’t listening. Why is *everyone* trying to keep secrets from me???

I know when Mamá y Tía were studying to be nurses in Asunción, I was taken care of by people I thought were mí abuelos. Who were they really? And who is my dad? All I know is that he left my mom long before she gave birth to me. She was only 18.

After my outburst, Mamá got mad and yelled, “*Te estoy haciendo la cena! Qué más necesitas de mí!?*” ["I'm making dinner, what more do you need from me?"] and I just yelled “*UGH*” and stomped into my room, where I am right now, typing this rant. Needless to say, my appetite has been utterly spoiled.

Shall I expound on ALL the questions I have? I’ll start with the NUMBER 1 question: WHY THE FUCK DID WE MOVE HERE? Where it’s rainy and cold and bleak most of the time? Where, no matter how hard I try to fit in, everyone still thinks I’m a freak, an outsider??

Why did we leave Paraguay?? Where it was beautiful, where there were fruit trees and birdsong, where I had friends. Where we BELONGED. Oh, and who the FUCK is Carmen’s father?

GOD, I HATE that I know more about Nettlebrook’s stupid history than my OWN damn history!!! I don’t know what my mom thinks she’s accomplishing by keeping me in the dark. I’m lonely and confused and MAD. Does she not get that???

Notes:

* Mbeju is a Paraguan Flatbread made from cassava flour and *kesú paraguai (lit. Paraguay Cheese).*
* M'hija or Mija is a term of endearment in spanish translating literally as My Daughter(Mi Hija).

### Here’s to hoping...

Posted on January 29th, 2008.

Hoping that this week won’t be as big a shitshow as this past weekend. My mom has been giving me the cold shoulder. The past two days she told me to make my own dinner because “*no me siento apreciada.*” ["you don't appreciate me."] I know I have to apologize for pushing her the other night. I really do feel bad. She is obviously sensitive about Paraguay for some reason. As much as I want to know why, I don’t want to jeopardize our relationship. Also... I suck at cooking.

I’m also basically grounded. But thank GOD for the The Interwebzzz cuz I was able to IM with Ana. We sent each other linkz to music videos all night. I sent her some David Bowie songs and she was like, “Eww this is music for old ppl” then I reminded her that her favorite book series (LOTR) is for OLDER ppl LMAO. She was like “whatevz” xD

Ana is only into emo music right now so I sent her this song cuz it’s kinda emo LOL:

[Image Description: A Fan Music Video for the song All The Madman by David Bowie]

She was like, “THIS ISN’T EMO, IT’S JUST CREEPY” hahahahahaha

Kinda bummed cuz James has been acting really distant again. It’s like he has all these walls up and every time they start to crack, and I’m able to get a glimpse of the TRUE him, he builds them up again, and we’re back at square one.

#diary #emo is a relative term #LOL #wish James wasn't such a luddite so we could IM #but ohhh well #as Ana says #WHATEVZ xP

Notes:

* The Song referenced All the Madman is from the Album, The Man who Sold the World. This is the second time the album is reference on the blog. The Song itself focuses on a narrator who refuses to leave a mental asylum despite being legally "sane".

### Hopes dashed, I guess  -\_\_-

Posted on January 30th, 2008.

So I had another HORRID exchange with the Bogwick crowd today. We were at lunch and James wasn’t there. Christa must have noticed I looked disappointed, cuz she asked, “How are things between you and James?” Gen and Bradley were absorbed in their own conversation (they’re together again, surprise surprise), so I felt like I could tell her the truth without fear of judgement.

I told her, “I’m not sure” but instantly regretted it as Gen and Bradley stopped doing their weird, Jesus-approved PDA and Gen turned to look at me.

That familiar cruel grin spread across her face and she said, “Oh no, did Cee Cee finally scare you away with his *sixth sense*?”

I could tell Gen was savoring my confusion.

“Did James not tell you?” she asked in that familiar fake-concerned voice. I glanced at Christa who was staring daggers at Gen. Gen ignored her and continued. “Did he not tell you that he See Sees dead people?”

Bradley cracked up and Gen looked stupidly proud. I still had no idea what they were talking about. Before Gen and Bradley could continue spouting their nonsense, Christa jumped in and informed me, “James goes by his middle name. His first name is Cecil. That’s why we used to call him Cee Cee, but we DON’T anymore.” Christa shot a sharp look at Gen and Bradley.

“Bradley came up with it,” Gen said proudly, ignoring Christa altogether.

“Yeah,” Bradley jumped in. “We called him Cee Cee, ‘cuz *he See Sees dead people!*”

“WILL YOU QUIT IT?” Christa said sharply. She looked at me sympathetically and said, “Don’t listen to them, Flora” Her tone was comforting, but she was clearly annoyed by Gen and Bradley. And there was something else there that I can’t quite pinpoint... A desperation?

“Chill out, Christa,” Bradley said. “We’re just joking around. Besides, you used to think it was funny.”

“Yeah, when we were nine,” Christa snapped back at him.

I started feeling really weird again. Like that night at the party. I excused myself and left. I don’t even know how they all reacted, I was in such a daze.

I could feel my heart pounding. Before I knew it, my shitty winter boots were on and I was bolting home through the January slush.

As I ran, heaving, my head was spinning with thoughts of James and all this weirdness. I didn’t know who his family was until last week, and I didn’t even know his ACTUAL NAME until TODAY!!! And, of course, HE didn’t share these things with me. Why are his mean, shitty friends more honest with me than *he* is??? Why is he even friends with them? And what am I to him?? For God’s sake, I don’t even know if we’re together-together or not!!!

I got home and my mom was in the living room, reading a magazine. She looked at me with surprise. Then anger, realizing I had ditched school in the middle of the day. Then concern, as I burst into tears.

She immediately started consoling me as I wailed, “*I’M SORRY, MAMA, I’M SORRY*” and she held me close and repeated, “*Todo esta bien, toda esta bien*.” [It's Ok, It's OK]

So yeah. Today sucked. Kinda feels like everything sucks. But my mom forgave me and made me an early dinner (mbeju, my favorite).

I really really really really don’t want to go to school tomorrow. I don’t think I have the strength or resolve to face everyone. *Ughhh.*

I know nobody is reading this blog and nobody really cares, but I will keep you all updated. I’m calling it a night even tho it’s only like 7pm. I’m just so existentially exhausted. Good night, nobody.

#diary #moral of the story: everything sucks

Notes:

* James nickname is a reference to The Sixth Sense(1999), where a young boy, played by Hayley Joel Osmond, whispers the famous quote. "I see dead people".
* Flora is a sophoromore in 2008 meaning that her and her classmates would be around 16 or 17. Christie specifies that James got his nickname when "they were **nine**" which would have been about 1999, the same year that Isobel Temper dissapeared.

### FUERZA [Strength]

Posted on January 31st, 2008. Note: This post has been reformated.

(Buckle up, this is gonna be a long one.)

Was RUDELY AWAKENED by my mom this morning, 10 MINUTES BEFORE MY ALARM WAS SUPPOSED TO GO OFF. I was like “Mommm, whyyyyy” and she was like “you slept enough.” I begged her to let me stay home today, I was like “Please don’t make me go mom, pleeeeeease” but she didn’t budge. I told her I can’t do it and she snapped at me, “*Sí, te puedes [Yes, you can].* Don’t you ever say ‘I can’t.’”

That’s when I realized why she had woken me up early. It’s...

✧･ﾟ: \*✧･ﾟ:\* 　**Lecture Time**　 \*:･ﾟ✧\*:･ﾟ✧

“Trust in me, Flora. I know school is hard. But I know also that you are smart and strong, *como tu madre [Just like your Mother]*. I made it through school. I got through school with YOU IN MY BELLY. We can do anything. *Nosotros tenemos FUERZA [We have Strength]*. I didn’t name you Flora because you are delicate. I named you Flora Anahí because you are resilient, *como un yuyo, como la flor del árbol de ceibo*.” [Like a weed, like the flower of the Ceibo Tree]

I relented and went to school, my eyes still crazy puffy from my weeping sesh yesterday.

While I rode the school bus, her words echoed in my mind. Not sure how I feel about being called a literal weed, but I appreciated my mom’s sentiment. It was actually really touching. They were words I felt like I could embody. I thought about James (a.k.a. CECIL) and how fed up I was with his obliqueness. I knew I had to talk to him straight, to ask him what the heck is up. Or else it would just fester inside me and I may never know peace.

But my stomach dropped and all my confidence disintegrated as soon as I climbed down the stairs of the bus and looked at Bogwick Academy looming over me, like Hogwarts, but in books 5-7. It dawned on me that asking James what the heck is up involved ME ASKING JAMES WHAT THE HECK IS UP. And I had NO idea how to do that.

I breathed in deep. And let out a big sigh. FUERZA. [STRENGTH]

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I found Christa anxiously waiting by my locker. She apologized profusely for Gen and Bradley’s “childish” behavior. She said, “They never should have treated you that way. Especially when you were opening up about something personal and sensitive. I really can’t stand them sometimes.” Then she quickly added, “But don’t tell her I said that.”

I accepted her apology, but really wanted to ask *if you can’t stand them, why do you keep standing BY them?*

“And if there’s anything I can do to make up for it, please let me know, okay?”

I considered asking if she could erase Gen Ericson from this plane of existence, but held my tongue.

Christa continued, “About Gen, I think she’s just in a sensitive place right now. In the past, she has gotten pretty... possessive of me, I guess? I don’t think she likes when I make new friends...” Christa shrugged. “She isn’t all that bad when she warms up to you. I swear. And James... well, he’s always kinda been in a sensitive place. Whatever’s going on, I’m sure he doesn’t mean any harm.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed. “And, I mean, if it doesn’t work out, it’s okay. You and me will still be friends.” She smiled warmly and it did actually kinda make me feel better for some reason. But the feeling was short lived as soon as first period rolled around.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

First period was a bit of a bust cuz I was called into the headmaster’s office, where I received a ~lecture~ (much less inspiring than my mom’s) from Headmaster Wick. He basically told me that as a Bogwick student, it is my responsibility to uphold the 3 tenets of the school *blah blah blah* normally this would be grounds for suspension but since this is my first infringement of the rules, he’ll let me off with a warning *blah blah blah* if I pull a stunt like this again, I will lose my scholarship *BLAH BLAH BLAH*. Part of me was hoping he would expel me on the spot, save me from having to interact with Gen or Bradley or even James ever again. Alas, I wasn’t so fortunate. He told me I was “specially chosen” this scholarship by God’s grace (huh?) and I’m a valued member of the student body and he has faith that I will contribute great things to this community *blah blah blah* \*insert more sanctimonious bullcrap here\*

Oh! And how could I forget? I am of course required to *confess my sins* and say three hail-marys. UGHHH what a JOKE. （￣^￣）凸

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

By God’s ACTUAL grace, Gen was unusually quiet and ameanable in our classes together. Usually, when Gen isn’t speaking to me, it’s because she’s ignoring me, but today she was smiling at me. Kind of a scared smile. Christa must have really scolded her LOL.

So yeah, I was able to make it thru most of the day mishap-free, but I DID skip lunch cuz I didn’t feel ready to confront James. I’ve realized I am not a confrontational person. In fact, I would much prefer to avoid confrontation and conflict of any kind. I try to see things from other people’s perspective and act empathetically towards them. But I am also someone who strongly believes in fairness... And I kinda feel like I’m being treated unfairly. I mean, I AM being treated unfairly. I don’t know why it’s so hard to admit...

I can feel the panic begin to rise as I spend my lunch period sitting on a toilet and biting my nails to a pulp. I remind myself to breathe. Just breathe

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Which brings me to Bible Study. The class I have with James.

After some breath exercises (the ones Mr. Phillips taught me in voice lessons), I steeled myself to enter the classroom when, suddenly, I felt a gentle tug on my wrist. I turned around to see James looking at me with his puppy dog eyes. They always make me melt a little, which is very annoying at a time such as this.

He said, “You don’t have to go in. I already told Teach we wanted to spend this class period praying in the chapel.”

“What?”

“It should count as your confession. Ya know, for your suspension.”

“How do you know about that?”

“Because,” he said sheepishly, “I’ve been suspended before.”

Before I could respond, he said, “C’mon, follow me.”

#diary

Notes:

* Yuyo translates literally as Weed, but also has two other definitions, herb (medicinal), and *cochayuyo,* a type of seaweed that is used to help with teething.
* The Ceibo Tree is a tree that grows in the global south. It has spiritual significence in Mayan Mythology as its believed to be a world tree connecting the different planes of existence. The Fruit of the tree, seed pods that take 7 years to grow, produce a fiber that has a variety of industry applications.

## References

1. ↑ Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr https://floraflow.tumblr.com/
2. ↑ First Tumblr Post https://floraflow.tumblr.com/post/190555386038/in-the-middle-of-a-gun-fight
3. ↑ Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr Archivehttps://floraflow.tumblr.com/archive
4. ↑ Flora Reblog on Zoey Bent's Tumblr
https://bent-into-shape.tumblr.com/post/688902421976662016/floraflow-first-day-of-sophomore-year-she
5. ↑ This part of the Text Conversation. https://discord.com/channels/602410364109455400/602410364109455402/993654382933581874
6. ↑ "god DOES listen" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr.https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/190721628928?source=share
7. ↑ "MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumbr. https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/190809007478?source=share
8. ↑ "oh. my. god." on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/190900340083?source=share
9. ↑ "hes the reason for the teardrops on my guitar..." on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/190934779718?source=share
10. ↑ "shiz i ~H A T E~" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/190935720228?source=share
11. ↑ Untitled Post on Flora Gonazalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/190937195558?source=share
12. ↑ Untitled Post on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/190951972258?source=share
13. ↑ "ohmigoshohmigoshohmigosh" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/612157322750509056?source=share
14. ↑ Untitled Post on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/613603003287617536?source=share
15. ↑ "unhappy birthday to meee" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/613608751104245760?source=share
16. ↑ Untitled Post on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/688596571460435968?source=share
17. ↑ Untitled Post on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/688597337071927296?source=share
18. ↑ Untitled Post on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/688598109475012608?source=share
19. ↑ "I'm Not Okay" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/688600712224047104?source=share
20. ↑ I'm Not Okay (I Promise) on Wikipediahttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27m\_Not\_Okay\_(I\_Promise)
21. ↑ ~The Value of Privacy~ on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/688602184550612992?source=share
22. ↑ Untitled Post on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/688780462387265536?source=share
23. ↑ "Weird Day at Work" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/688789276784230400?source=share
24. ↑ Untitled Post on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/688821854874517504?source=share
25. ↑ "Is This A Dream??" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/688914960459448320?source=share
26. ↑ Untitled Post on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/688915175369228288?source=share
27. ↑ "The Best Laid Plans..." on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/689620470165815296?source=share
28. ↑ "...Often Go Awry" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/689620470165815296?source=share
29. ↑ "BRB just having a heart attack for NO REASON" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/690001513503932416?source=share
30. ↑ "I don’t care if monday’s blue" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/690002122319822848?source=share
31. ↑ "Friday I'm in Love" - Genius Lyrics https://genius.com/The-cure-friday-im-in-love-lyrics
32. ↑ "whyyyyy" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/690244271294529536?source=share
33. ↑ "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/690244565133869056?source=share
34. ↑ Twilight (Meyer Novel) on Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twilight\_(Meyer\_novel)
35. ↑ Eclipse (Meyer Novel) on Wikipedia.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eclipse\_(Meyer\_novel)
36. ↑ Harry Potter on Wikipediahttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry\_Potter#Publishing\_history
37. ↑ https://www.kerrang.com/how-the-nightmare-before-christmas-inspired-a-generation-of-rock-fans
38. ↑ "Our First Second Date... Sorta" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr.https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/690245240967380992?source=share
39. ↑ "it’s 2008!!!" on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr.

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/690423337833381888?source=share
40. ↑ On This Week’s Episode of Bogwick Kids Are Literally Insane... on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr. https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/690887869733208064?source=share
41. ↑ A Guide To Essential Tumblr Etiquette: Do’s & Don’ts

https://www.hongkiat.com/blog/guide-essential-tumblr-etiquette/
42. ↑ Anecdotal Evidence from Reddit User Shojomango.https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/nu4vpa/why\_do\_people\_use\_tags\_on\_tumblr\_instead\_of/
43. ↑ https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/692051119110782976?source=share
44. ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fregObNcHC8
45. ↑ MTV Unplugged on Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MTV\_Unplugged#1993%E2%80%931994
46. ↑ https://genius.com/Nirvana-the-man-who-sold-the-world-lyrics
47. ↑ The Weirdness Continuezzz on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/692051385874776064?source=share
48. ↑ just UGH on Flora's Gonzalez's Tumblr. https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/692051917777649664?source=share
49. ↑ Mystery Solved on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr.https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/692872040885239808?source=share
50. ↑ My History: Mystery UNSOLVED on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr.
https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/692877475320070144?source=share
51. ↑ https://www.dictionary.com/e/translations/mija/
52. ↑ Here's to hoping... on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/693426263507025920?source=share
53. ↑ All the Madman - Genius Lyrics.

https://genius.com/David-bowie-all-the-madmen-lyrics
54. ↑ Hopes Dashed, I guess -\_\_- on Flora Gonzalez's Tumblr. https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow/693427353372753920?source=share
55. ↑ Fuerza on Flora's Gonzalez's Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/floraflow
56. ↑ http://bearshapedsphere.com/2014/01/03/the-case-of-the-yuyo-and-the-quechua-word-that-has-spread-like-a-weed/
57. ↑ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ceiba
58. ↑ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ceiba\_pentandra#Religion\_and\_folklore