Food Babe's Almond Butter Brownies

*~"She keeps posting it!"~ Some random post on Chow Babe's Facebook page*

**Almond Butter Brownies** is an over-posted fuddy-duddy recipe that Vani made up and keeps *constantly reposting.* If Vani's 'army' is diminishing and refuses to read her pseudo-scientific fear-based nonsense, she'll offer them some 'brownies' (which are really ugly-but-delicious BLONDIES) to dem' sheeples.

Good job, Vani. Maybe she'll sign a petition to remove Ghirardelli Brownie Mix from the market for many wild and wonky reasons, like the flour in the mix containing gluten (safe for healthy non-celiac sheeples), the sugar being processed to death and the amount of it used, to even whining about conventional cocoa powder containing 'massive' doses of pesticides. Really?

## Are they even brownies? Or blondies?

*Mmm, nothin' like momma's good ol' brownies hopping outta dat oven...*

This is the ingredient list for this 'fakers' recipe:

* Alright, here it is!
	+ 1 cup almond butter (she thinks peanut butter is unhealthful for some strange reason. So she's spreading on the rumors with jam...)
	+ 2 tbsp flaxseed + 3 tbsp water or 1 egg
	+ ½ tsp sea salt
	+ ½ tsp baking soda
	+ ½ cup of coconut palm sugar (she claims to have an alleged 'refined sugar allergy' somewhere on her site, so this is her go-to sweetner)
	+ ½ tsp vanilla
	+ ½ cup of “Enjoy Life” mega chocolate chunks (the real eye-opener here. There is no cocoa anywhere in the brownies except for the chocolate chunks. By the way, the brand of mega chunks she uses contains **CANE SUGAR! And she claims to have an allergy to cane sugar!** Maybe she recently discovered a little thing called "moderation"?

**REAL Brownies** contain cocoa powder/baking cocoa in the recipe, and *might include* other tasty add-ins, like walnuts, chocolate chips, cherries and the like.

**Blondies,** on the other hand, are *like* brownies but have no cocoa mixed into the batter to make em'; well, you know, chocolaty. But blondies usually *do* contain chocolate chips to give them a gentle essence of cacao.

## *Now, how the heck do you make em'?*

Well, it's pretty simplistic. But here's the catch: *Vani's brownies have no flour or cocoa!*

That's right, chefs. To call these gooey morsels 'brownies' is the biggest misnomer made in the history of good old' fashioned American baking.

Here are the wonkiest instructions for a 'brownie' recipe ever!

* Preheat oven to 350 degrees (okay, the norm first step for baking brownies...)
* Grease a small dish (8×8 or 8×6) thorougly or line bottom of dish with parchment paper (parchment is best)
* Mix all ingredients except chocolate chunks until smooth (and there's no cocoa in there! Where the heck is the cocoa in the batter?)
* Fold in chocolate chunks and pour batter into pan (Vani never even bothered to melt those chunks before pouring em' right into the batter. Fakers!)
* Bake brownies until golden dark brown – about 25 mins (blondies are golden; these can't be *too* bad.)
* Cool brownies for at least 10 mins before cutting (somehow, Vani hates getting burned, but also despises sunscreen.)

## *The Final Result...*

Holy shit! The brownies are actually quite decent if you cook them in parchment paper! But if you leave out that parchment paper, you'll have to eat these brownies like a greedy pig... using a spoon to scrape the soft gooey 'brown stuff' offa that glass pan! I'd have to smoke weed to enjoy the non-parchment brownies...