A Tariffic War

**A Tariffic War** is one of the goals in Futurama: Worlds of Tomorrow. It is the **first** main goal of the The Zapp Brannigan Event.

## Part 1

### Objectives

* Complete Wartime Effort Mission 1
* Defeat 5 Osirians in "A Deserted Race"

### Story

 I'll have to cancel our date, Amy. Zapp suddenly announced the DOOP is instituting interplanetary import tariffs, and I've got to do some damage control.

 Interplanetary tariffs? I'm no economist, but aren't we more reliant on low-priced imports than our trading partners are? It's a recipe for disaster!

 Look, I know we planned to spend our date discussing macroeconomic theory...

 ...but as sexy as you make it sound, I just can't.

 Are you sure these import tariffs are a good idea, sir? They may cause a trade war with other planets.

 A wise man once said, "Trade wars are good and easy to win."

 That wise man was me. I said it after the other planets criticized me for imposing those tariffs that everybody agrees I never imposed.

 Except now I may have to already have imposed them. It's a total witch hunt!

 [SIGH]

 Repeat after me: witch hunt!

## Part 2

### Objectives

* Complete Wartime Effort Mission 2]]
* Complete Wartime Effort Mission 3]]

### Rewards

* 100  500

 Tell me, Florp -- is Trisol as worried about these new DOOP tariffs as we Carcarons are?

 Damn skippy, Admiral Chu. We Trisolians buy most of our bottling equipment from DOOP-- hang on, though. I thought you guys only spoke Carcaron.

 Oh, I've spent the past five years learning English.

 What's English?

 Listen, Florp, we can't take these DOOP tariffs lying down. Do you think your Prime Minister would be interested in an economic alliance with the Carcaron homeworld?

 I don't know. I'll have to talk it over with myself.

 You? I thought you were a standup comedian. How did you become Prime Minister?

 The traditional way. I won open mic night.

## Part 3

### Objectives

* Complete Wartime Effort Mission 4]]
* Defeat 5 Brain Slugged Females in "Thought Control"

### Rewards

* 100  500

**Linda van schoonhoven:** In tonights news, Zapp Brannigan has enacted tariffs on all non-Earch planets, provoking a barrage of retaliatory counter-tariffs.

**Linda van schoonhoven:** Tensions are running high as consumers feel the pinch of higher prices. Earthicans have already taken to the streets to protest higher prices on Neptunian avocados.

 In other words, "DOOOOOOOMMMMM!"

 Morbo needs guacamole to cover his acne.

 Zapp Brannigan faces mounting intergalactic pressure as his tariffs take effect.

 Can his puny Earthling mind be any more feeble?

**Linda van schoonhoven:** I guess we'll just have to wait and see, Morbo.

 IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!

## Part 4

### Objectives

* Complete Wartime Effort Mission 5]]
* Complete Wartime Effort Mission 6]]

### Rewards

* 100  500

 Brannigan's economic aggression cannot stand. If counter-tariffs will not dissuade him, we must use more forceful methods.

 Got it. A series of podcasts that people who already agree with us will listen to while they walk their dogs.

 No! The only choice is open warfare!

 You can be the serious guy with deep ideas, and I'll be the funny guy who brings the snark and does the mattress commercials.

 I regret to inform you, Captain, that the Carcarons and the Trisolians have declared war on the DOOP and its allied planets.

 You want a fight, Chu? Bring it on. I've decimated many armies in my time.

 I'm not aware that you've ever won a single battle, Captain.

 I wasn't talking about enemy armies.

## Part 5

### Objectives

* Complete Wartime Effort Mission 7]]
* Defeat 5 Brain Slugged Males in "Slug It Out"

### Rewards

* 100  500

 Hello, Leela. The Carcarons and the Trisolians have teamed up to declare a very sexy war on the DOOP, and I'd like you and your friends to lead the offense.

 Why should we fight your war?

 Because if Brannigan loses to a bunch of fish-men and water-bottles, it'll be bad for morale. But if your ragtag band of misfits loses, no one will care.

 Really? If we lose, won't people ask why you sent a bunch of civilians to fight two planetary armies instead of leading our forces yourself?

 If we lose, I won't hear people asking that in my hiding place.

 We could use a man like you for our army, Fry. How do you think you'd do as cannon fodder?

 Great! One summer I worked as the Human Cannonball at Coney Island. They'd load me in a cannon, then I snuck down through a secret tunnel to the net.

 Meanwhile they fired a dummy through the air into the net, and then I'd switch places with it and triumphantly accept the cheers of the crowd.

 So you're an expert! I'm putting you in command of your own artillery unity.

## Part 6

### Objectives

* Complete Wartime Effort Mission 8]]
* Complete Wartime Effort Mission 9]]

### Rewards

* 100  500

 What do you mean, the DOOP's at war? We'll never be able to go on our date now!

 I'm sorry, but I can't take time off when the fate of Earth hangs in the balance.

 Why not? It's not like you have military responsibilities. All you do is give Zapp Brannigan foot massages!

 You don't understand, Amy. Those foot massages are the only thing stopping Zapp from utilizing the nuclear option.

 Once the war is over, I'll take you on that date.

 Not if I break up with you first.

 Now, let's not get emotional.

 Emotional? Says the guy who cries while making love!

 I offered to hold my tears in, but you said they were endearing!

## Part 7

### Objectives

* Complete Wartime Effort Mission 10]]
* Defeat 5 Carcarons in "Shark Tank"

### Rewards

* 100  500

 According to my calculations, we're winning this war in record time.

 Umm... no. We've suffered heavy casualties and the war just started.

 Then my calculations are off.

 The important thing is, I'm not a nerd for using math.

 Captain Brannigan! Who gave you the authority to enact import tariffs?

 Nobody. In true Brannigan style, I gave it to myself. Impressed?

 Absolutely not. You're responsible for the catastrophe this war is turning into!

{{dialogue|zapp| With all due respect, Madame President, I don't think you understand how "true Brannigan style" works.

## Part 8

### Objectives

* Complete Wartime Effort Mission 11]]
* Recruit Morbo

### Rewards

* 100  500

 Captain Brannigan, sir! Dozens more hostile planets have joined the Carcaron-Trisol alliance!

 Then we'll have to respond accordingly. Suit up, soldier.

 I can't. DOOP didn't have enough uniforms to give out.

 Really? You'd think with all the soldiers we've lost, we'd have some extra hand-me-downs.

 I suggest you surrender, Captain Brannigan. You are way out of your league.

 That hasn't stopped me before, Admiral -- either in war or in love.

 [...]

 Which one are we talking about here?