The 4 Meats

*"Yeah, so currently we have the 4 meats, beef, lamb, pork and chicken, but I wonder whether you could find a 5th meat on a different planet."*

### The 4 Meats

It has been repeatedly stated since *episode 1* that it is believed that the only 4 meats in the universe are beef, lamb, pork and chicken. All meats on planet Earth have been categorized to fit into one of these 4 types of meat. The meats listed below are animals with their in-universe 4 meat classifications, as well as their colloquial names.

### Beef

Beef is treated as a holy meat in the UK and America, with even characters not associated with beef and dairy production hailing it with religious significance.

* Venison: forest beef
* Horse: ride-on beef
* Giraffe: long-neck Savannah beef
* House spider: 8-legged micro beef
* Miniature Dachshund: Rich beef sausage dog
* Llama: Wooly beef (or False lamb)
* Seal: Cute little sea beef
* Squirrel: Sylvanian beef
* Komodo Dragon: Monstrous beef
* Panda: Lethargic bamboo beef

### Lamb

Lamb is treated as the antichrist, and is highly stigmatized.

* Goat: Mountain lamb

### Pork

* Weasel: small, long pork meat
* Lizard: scaled pork
* Snow leopard: Himalayan fanged pork
* Rabbit: Hedgerow pork
* Alligator: Everglade pork
* Escargot/Snail: Gross little shelled pork
* Bat: Upside-down vampire pork
* Groundhog: Weather prediction pork
* Ferret: Little long pork

### Chicken

* Sparrow: mini chicken
* Peregrine Falcon: sleek speed chicken
* Turkey: Robust chicken
* Pheasant: Posh chicken
* Rattlesnake: Stretched-out maraca chicken
* Snake: Rope of chicken
* Smoked Albatross: Smoked majesty chicken
* Opossum: Freaky loft chicken
* Crickets: Conscience chicken

### Fish

Seafood is a hotly-debated topic in the Beef and Dairy Network universe, with science only recently beginning to map fish to the 4 meat taxonomy. As such, a number of fish and sea creatures have not been added or do not have colloquial names yet.

* Crab: Pork (previously lamb)
* Crayfish: Shelled river chicken (previously beef)
* Squid: Ship eating aqua pork (previously beef)
* Plankton: Micro-micro aqua beef
* Oysters: Smooth-shelled chicken
* Salmon: Leaping river pork
* Lobster: Chicken (no colloquial name)
* Tuna: Beef (no colloquial name)

### Cultural differences

In different parts of the world, different types of meat are popular. These cultural differences are treated as religion, and the *Host* along with other British characters generally consider enjoying other meats as being heretical. For instance, in Germany, pork is popular, which the Host finds to be very creepy.

America and the UK generally seem to believe in beef. Germany has its faith in pork. New Zealand believes in lamb.

#### Lamb Controversy

A longstanding issue discussed in the podcast is lamb and its dangerous properties. When discussed initially, lamb was treated like a drug, however its status has escalated to the point of being the devil, if beef is god. Lamb has repeatedly been called the "black sheep" of the 4 meats, and is highly stigmatized.

Lamb is smuggled into the UK and England exclusively by students from New Zealand, and are sold via the process of "Bo Peeping" on the street, in a manner similar to drugs.

Many older characters have made claims that lamb is contaminating the youth, and have encouraged parents to burn any lamb they find in their childrens' rooms. Many characters in general have commented on the dangerous properties of lamb, including cases of "lambnesia", in which the person eating lamb can't remember eating it. Despite these claims, Dr. Sam Archer has been quick to clarify that lamb is simply a gateway drug to eating mint, which is truly dangerous. Regardless, the claims that lamb itself is dangerous have persisted, most likely due to the culture of the Beef and Dairy Network world.

### The 5th Meat

#### History

In *episode 1*, the *Host* asks about the potential implications of discovering a 5th meat, namely in regards to *Dr. David Pin's* research into looking for microbial life on Mars. This is met with quite a bit of anger, until *episode 14*, in which a mysterious voicemail plays an *audio drama* in which Dr. David Pin attempts to explain that he has discovered a 5th meat on Mars, before being shot 20 times. In *episode 18*, it is revealed that he wasn't dead, and was discovered to be made of the 5th meat. Because of this, he was dissected, and reduced to a head, lungs, liver and anus.

In the same episode, it is explained that the 5th meat is composed of alien meat found on the moon, after the *moon landing*. America began to farm the aliens, since they were indestructible, in order to fill the global food supply. However, *Dr. David Pin's* father who worked for NASA at the time, had a child with an alien and smuggled it back to Earth, leading to Dr. David Pin being part alien. *Eleanor Pin* gives birth to an alien, which eats her, Dr. David Pin and Dr. Peregrine Fletcher, before presumably escaping.

#### 5th Meat Conspiracies

There are a number of consistencies and references in the podcast that nod to *episode 18*, even though there hasn't been a proper continuation to that story. It is very possible that this is a subtle way of continuing the story, and therefore all references will be listed.

In *episode 2*, Paul Kitesworthy's disappearance and presumed death was a heavy focus. It was heavily implied that he wasn't in fact dead, but in hiding, with the original implication being that he was attempting to escape debt. However, in *episode 50*, Paul Kitesworthy's body was found, reduced to only a head, lungs, liver and anus. Several 5th meat theories are discussed, including him being made of the 5th meat or being chased by a 5th meat beast. It is unknown which is true, given both are equally likely. In light of this update, it seems likely that he was evade capture from the military, or avoid being eaten by the 5th meat beast. Additionally, it was mentioned in the same episode that Paul Kitesworthy had taken on debts to buy small figurines, a small reference to *episode 18*. Although the police involved dismiss the 5th meat conspiracies, given all officers sent to investigate disappear, plus pressure from people higher to let the case go, it is likely that the 5th meat is involved.

In *episode 33*, when *Eli* explains the prison takeover, he mentions that he started by beating up a prisoner, who looked like Danny Devito, but reduced to a head, lungs, liver and anus. It is unknown how this prisoner was potentially involved in the 5th meat conspiracies, or if this was simply a nod to the previous plotline.