The Borrowed Christmas (GAM277)

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***The Borrowed Christmas*** is the story of ninety minutes in which of a bunch of actors pretend to pretend to have a boring Christmas. So, if you strip away all the layers of meta, we watched a bunch of strangers have a boring Christmas.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because Eli was rude to a wizard.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love the moralizing and "cutesy-ness" of normal Christmas movies, but it lacks the unaware horror of bringing a prostitute to your sister's wedding, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Cara: ...movie with a zero percent rating on RedTube. [And that's really saying something.]
* Noah; ...repeated title Christmas. [Clearly this was supposed to be *The Rented Christmas.]*
* Eli: ...horror movie that doesn't realize that it's a horror movie. [He decides that he's going to keep these human beings.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Cara on her website, Twitter, *Talk Nerdy*, *The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe*, and *Fixed That for You*.
* The film was released on DVD on 11 November 2014, and premiered in theaters on 13 November in Evansville, Indiana.

### **Jokes**

* [Cara: And meanwhile, all I can think is, "Is this a porno?" This is—just in the opening scene, it's like—that kind of classic porno acting, when he's like "Hello! Ma'am. I would like to rent a Christmas.", and she's like "What kind of Christmas would you like? Sir?"] [Noah: "How am I gonna pay for all this Christmas?"] [Cara: Yeah, and she's weirdly in soft focus, and the wall behind her is crystal clear. You're just like "What's happening?" And, oh! The audio… the sound quality is such an abomination. Who mixed this movie? All their mics are at different levels, and I'm watching this at night in my living room, and I'm having to turn up and down the tv the whole time just to figure out what they're saying. It was an abomination.] [Noah: But they're somehow unintelligible *and* clipping—I don't know how you even *do* that. Oh, so bad. And she's playing —she's acting it like *she's* pretty sure it's gonna be a porno, and she's surprised when she's not fucking anybody at the end of the scene.] [Eli: It's the weirdest scat porn she's ever not shot.] (12:53)
* [Eli: Okay, since you mention makeup tutorials, I need to talk about Anne's eyeshadow in this scene. Okay…] [Cara: Eli, I love you *so* much. You spent a good percentage of your notes focusing on her eyeshadow.] [Eli: Cause it's the crazi—it grows, like it's of its own... *volition*—it's *bananas*. Okay, here's what I assume—I created such a sad short story in my head—the woman who plays Anne in this movie is an unsexed Christian, who's just… you know, she shits out babies and then she dies and goes to heaven where Jesus will give her a hug. And this is the first time in her life she was allowed to put on makeup, because "hot water burn baby." So she just went to Sephora, and dunked her eyes *first* into gold, and then into purple, then she saw a clown who was like "No, no, no. Way too subtle.", so then she put *blue* over that. Literally, William Baldwin's makeup a couple weeks ago, when he was in the weird redface blindfold, is less distracting than this woman's eyeshadow.] [Noah: Oh, alright. Good analogy if you listen to every episode. It's important that you listen to every episode.] [Eli: *I* was here.] (44:44)

### **Interstitials**

* Opening Sketch of the Show (6:28)
* What if I Call Them Extras? (18:57) [Doodly-Doo]
	+ Renting a Christmas from Comet Pingpong Pizza (37:46)

### **Tropes**

* A World Without Black or Brown People
* Cancer Wife/God Killed My Mom/Evil Stole My Faith
* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Flashback to Shit We Just Watched
* Indoctrination of Children
* Kitchen Table
* Make Me a Sammich!
* Nothing Happens
* Not Christian Enough
* SEXISM!
* The Eli Bosnick Story

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Trailer on YouTube
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Tushy: Eli's Hose vs. Paper Towels Showdown (1:42:44)
* Raycon: Santa Had a Rough Year (1:44:21)
* Quip: Steve Novella, the Green River Killer (1:45:53)