AMBiTiON/Story/Ch. 16

## Chapter 16 - Starless

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"What'd you… need me for?" Aki treaded as carefully as she could with the question, curious but worried.

"Agh... Sorry, Aki, I didn't get enough mental prep and now I'm blanking." Toshiko turned to the other three girls and muttered, "Why'd you vote me to do this~?"

The ugly part of Aki - so, most of her - wanted to tell Toshiko to hurry it up, followed by an immediate, internal slap at herself for even thinking that. She knew how bad Toshiko was at dealing with serious situations!

The keyboardist tried to think good thoughts, 'It's fine. Don't worry. I know I've been a bother to you guys since the day I met you. You can say it. We all know it. I'll be okay with it. I'm sorry. Sorry.'

And finally, Aki settled with, "It's okay! Take your time, Toshiko-chan."

Although around them in the school corridor were students passing by like cars on a highway, the atmosphere around Aki and the four girls was so tense, it was deafening.

"I know I'm totally gonna come off rude, but Aki," the raspberry-haired girl told her, "for the sake of everyone here, I'm gonna speed this up. Deal?"

Michi watched with a collected demeanor, readjusting her glasses a few too many times. Suzume narrowed her tangerine eyes and fidgeted in irritation. And Haru, well, she was looking off at nothing like usual. Except, there was a cautious calculation for possible outcomes running through her distant lime gaze.

Aki awkwardly chuckled. "Uh, okay. Deal."

They were sitting under the tree in the front of Hanasakigawa. Leaning against her knees, Chihiro panted, "... Old, friends, huh?"

She couldn't dwell on her memory longer, as Aki spoke. "Oh, Hiro-tan, are you still tired? Sorry about running the way here," She smiled stiffly. The 4PM sun seemed blinding in comparison to that dark expression of hers. "I didn't feel like having to talk on the way, not when I was gonna start ranting to you about all this."

"Yeah, no, it's fine. I just, have, bad stamina." The vocalist talked in pauses. She didn't know whether to be more shocked about what Aki was telling her, or about the fact that Aki still hadn't approached Chihiro about her original plans for the band.

Aki gave an apologetic smile. "Haha, sorry. Mind if I go on?"

Chihiro made sure to recap that story to herself: Aki wanted to befriend those four - "Sugar✧Rush", she said their band name was, but they never did much band stuff so it didn't matter. To them, Aki had always felt out of place. Because she was so much better. And also because of something else they just couldn't find the words to describe. It might have been because Aki suddenly entered their friend group in the first year of middle school. Meanwhile, they'd been friends since grade school. They tried to understand her but… ultimately failed to.

So when Chihiro had unintentionally made a rift between the keyboardist and Sugar✧Rush, they decided it was prime time to tell Aki about their internal issues with her. Just for some closure until they could figure themselves out.

And now… Aki brought this to her. Little did she know that Aki was about to bring much more. Anyways, could Chihiro trust herself to comprehend all that? Of course, "no" was the definite answer.

"I... Sure, continue." She replied anyways, knowing she wouldn't like to hear what was surely going to be a long rant. A depressing rant, from her usually bright face. But Aki needed her right now, as much as that seemed weird.

Would this… make her smile again?

"Alright. Umm, about them regarding me highly... it's honestly the same deal with everyone else. See, everybody only knows me as the smart kid that's always ahead, since I've been advertised as such. I'm pretty sure I'm nothing but that, at this point."

"Uh, it's not like you're only smart…" Chihiro got the urge to respond. "I think people would say you're nice..."

"That too. But that's it." Aki let out a bitter chuckle and smiled. "... I hate it. I hate it so much! I did nothing to deserve my success! Just because I happened to be born smart with parents that chucked me into education? Why not someone else, someone who actually worked for their deserved success, only to have it ripped away and tossed at me? And why am I still complaining? It makes me wanna-- Nevermind, I can get to that later."

Hearing it, feelings of intense regret stuffed themselves full into Chihiro's head. She still couldn't understand Aki's point of view very well. Not wanting to be well-loved… it just sounded too unfathomable. But, with the horrible things Chihiro had been doing her entire life, shouldn't even a tiny scrap of sympathy be the bare minimum?

Finally addressing the girl beside her, Aki turned to Chihiro with a pained smile. "And that's where you come in."

"H-Huh?"

"Everyone on Earth treats me like some kinda princess. It's humiliating at best, and downright anger-inducing at worst. But Hiro-tan… You remember back before you invited me to the band? You just… didn't care. In fact, you never even tried to talk to me.

To any sane person, that would've been rude, but to have someone not give me attention I don't deserve… It was a breath of fresh air! Then weirdly enough I found myself taking a liking to you. After that, you asked me to join, and I knew I had to... I knew I finally found someone that didn't think of me like some golden statue." There was a warm, sincere look in Aki's cerulean eyes. "So basically, I guess I really like you!"

… What a cruel joke. Anyone "liking Chihiro" must have just been doing it for a dare. But… in this context? "Uhm, is this some sort of love confession?" She asked hesitantly.

Turning a shade of pink, Aki frantically shook her head. "N-No! Not that. I guess… I'm just really glad I got to meet you and everyone in our band, is all I'm saying."

To someone normal, all that would have been a flattering, if not embarrassing compliment. However, to Chihiro, it made her heart ache more. No… no. She just wanted to apologize for everything she'd even thought of doing to Aki and the rest of their band. How could she do it now, though? To shatter what was meant to be a heartfelt moment for the innocent Aki? She got it completely wrong - It wasn't moral apathy that kept Chihiro from talking to her, it was nothing but blind envy and a hateful heart. Even worse than well-meaning glorifiers. Choking up, words attempted to force her way through her throat, but of course Chihiro couldn't say anything now. She sat there, marinating in guilt noiselessly.

Aki murmured, "Speaking of the band, remember when Mai-san said all that about our band name?"

"You mean that whole 'ambition' thing?"

"Yeah. Never gave a proper response, but maybe I can tell you about it." Up at the cloud-mottled sky Aki glanced, looking wistful. "She mentioned how with you guys, your lack of ambition was kinda from the way you all think. Y'know, you and Izumin don't really care, Sora-chin wants an easy life, I think. I'm not sure with Mai-san, but I'm guessing it's to do with school, maybe? For me though, it's different." She looked away. "I just don't need ambition when my life's path is already set in stone."

Each silence between them was deathly quiet. Chihiro echoed, "Set… in stone?"

The violet-haired girl chuckled before continuing. "Okay, this is gonna sound stupid, but just brace yourself."

"My family owns a clothing company and I'm meant to be the heir."

It was like a bomb dropped and detonated without warning. Chihiro couldn't imagine somebody like her having contact with a person of that kind of importance! "Y-You're joking. Right? I didn't brace myself enough." She could only stutter. "P-Please… elaborate?"

"Oh, yeah. It's more like my dad is the one that owns the company. My mom does more of modelling."

And in comes another bomb. "I-I meant…" Chihiro gestured weirdly, "l-like, uh, how does it affect you, or something…?"

Aki sat up straighter as she finally understood, side-glancing in shame for mentioning something that only solidified her princess status. "Oh! Uh, right. Sorry. Basically, my parents are affiliated with this company and... now they expect me to take over once they retire. That's why I have no ambition - if I already know how my adulthood is gonna turn out, what need do I have for dreams?"

She huffed. "Kinda depressing, in my opinion. I feel like my childhood is being robbed by the second. Sometimes I take care of my own parents once they come home from work, and every single chore, AND I still don't get the chance to work for anything like a regular person… Once I graduate, I'll probably be forced into the business with tape over my mouth. I've been trying to avoid it all this time, but I guess I need to tell someone about it after all."

"... Waitwaitwait, so no one knows about this? And what store is it, anyways??"

"Only the school staff knows, none of the students. Well, Toshiko-chan and the others kinda know, but I didn't tell them what store it is. Maybe I should tell our band," considered Aki. "As for the place, it's called - " She cringed - "Starrily Sail."

Hand under her chin, the dark atmosphere in Chihiro's mind was briefly replaced with confusion. "Isn't that the one in the mall? A-And the one in… this entire area of Japan?!"

"That's the one."

"Seriously…?" Chihiro cocked her head to one side, concerned. "If it's that big of a company… do your parents really have to work that much, or what?"

Aki shrugged. "That's my question too. Well, not like I ever wanted to know about how the whole thing works. All I know," the girl blinked in a sarcastic manner, "is that I have to do everything at home. I could go a day without ever seeing my parents, if I time it right!"

"Th--Then… how do you still have time to hang out with us? And go to rehearsals, too?"

"Ah," Aki nodded, "I do the chores I need to on the day before it. It can get tiring, but I guess... I'll do anything to live out these years while it still lasts!"

"... Oh. Huh."

The shock of the situation soon wore off as a heavy silence fell once more. Chirps of birds overhead were unbearably loud. Chihiro didn't know how to feel - Surprise? Intrigue? Pity? Though the one thing she knew she felt was insufferable regret she could never put into words, especially not to Aki. The keyboardist was already doing so much. And what had Chihiro been doing that whole time? Was that her own heartbeat, shaking from dread, or was that the million worthless apologies pounding at her chest from the inside? She thought the quietness would last forever until:

"Hiro-tan, would you say you're a bad person?"

Her heart skipped a beat at the sudden question. 'Yes!' Chihiro desperately wanted to scream, 'Even if I'm not the worst person alive, none of you deserve letting me stay…!' Heaving a deep breath to zip herself up, Chihiro didn't reply.

Letting out an agonizingly forced giggle, Aki went on. "Uh, I know I've been ranting your ears off the entire time, but now I'm really begging you to listen closely. S-Sorry, I've never told anyone this, so…"

Chihiro was listening for the whole duration. She nodded anyways.

"I'll simplify it best I can." Aki's shoulders drooped as she looked down, covering her eyes with her arms, but leaving her mouth so that she remained audible.

A grim sigh escaped her. "I think I'm a bad person, Hiro-tan. It might be hard to understand, but I'm… so tired of myself."

It was true - Aki being a bad person felt like an impossible concept for Chihiro, especially when compared to herself. The keyboardist had been nothing but kind, friendly, helpful… So what was going on?

Under her downturned face, Aki explained. "You know how it's always like, bad people get rewarded, and good people suffer? By that logic... surely I'm all but good, right? I've had everything in my life handed to me - intelligence, sociability, even my entire future, all wrapped up in a package and gifted right to me. Yet I just keep. On. Whining and fussing about it. How tragic is it that I'm destined to live a perfect life, huh? That my entire path is already predetermined and easy to walk along?

It doesn't matter that I feel like I'm involuntarily trapped in this situation where I can't choose... It's easier when I can't choose. Why can't I shut up and accept it? Why do I keep nitpicking every tiny negative then grumble on and on, as if I'm not already some kinda spoiled brat? Nowadays I can't do anything if it takes even a pinch of effort, because wasting away the one thing my entire identity's built upon is such a great idea, isn't it?

Hiro-tan, I really don't want to worry you when I say this, but..." Aki still didn't face her directly, talking in a bland tone.

"I want myself to suffer for once."

Chihiro stared, slack-jawed. "Y-You-- Aki-yan, you wanna…" Her voice dropped to a terrified whisper. "D-Die, or something…?"

"That's not it." Despite the grave implication, Aki spoke calmly. "That'd be too easy of a way out. I want something, anything bad to happen to me, anything to make my so-called 'pain' justifiable. Maybe something happens to my parents' company or whatever. Alright. Maybe something happens to me. Even better! Just give me something to prove that my stupid whining is worth classifying as true, objective pain… Not because I'd like it, but because I deserve it."

Aki still had her eyes covered, as her breath became shorter with the desperation to deliver her point. "And then I realize that so many people are being tortured by the pain I'm wishing for so badly. And.. I manage to prove yet again that I'll always be a bad person. No matter how much I help other people, no matter how much I play nice, it'll never validate me as a good person.

And for god's sake, obviously! I'm wishing pain on my own family! Not to mention they're working so hard for me… and what have I been doing? Complaining even though I should be smart enough to handle it?" A bitter smile showed. "Then… it convinces me even more that I want - no, NEED something bad to happen to me.

… I'm sure you see how this brings me back to square one. In the end, I'm trapped in this infinite loop of corrupt, immoral thinking. I'll never get out. It's what I deserve."

The rant was left on a haunting silence, Chihiro trying her hardest to process every bit of information. It was surprising how scary Aki's train of thought was. No way in hell was she a bad person, not when Chihiro existed to manipulate her! Aki was just… stuck in unfortunate circumstances, for her to wish for something like that. Whilst Chihiro was stuck on the tower that was her own hubris. She was afraid of what Aki wanted to do to herself, what was left unsaid, if there was any.

"Ahah, sorry, I really rambled, didn't I?" Aki laughed an incredibly fake laugh, after the previous words. Gradually lifting her head, the brown-haired girl was even more fearstruck when she met her face.

Her indigo hair had been dyed lilac with the golden sunlight, her ponytail gently wavering. The peaceful scene was defied by the glimmer in the corners of Aki's blue eyes - tears. Though not tears of sadness, they were emotionless. They were tears of someone so familiar with them, they went entirely unnoticed. For the first time, Chihiro saw the tired, dull gaze in her eyes. The cheerful silhouette of Aki was replaced by her shadow, one that was never seen but now put on display. Was this the real Aki?

"I-I… Aki-yan, I don't know what to say, I-- I'm sorry…" Chihiro murmured instinctively… But she did know what to say - "you're not a bad person".

She also knew that saying it aloud wouldn't amount to anything. Aki believed in her innate evilness so genuinely that it probably wouldn't even matter. At least, Chihiro imagined, if someone said that to the vocalist herself, she wouldn't believe it either. Why though?

A soft smile appeared on Aki's face. "What are you apologizing for? I'm the one that needs to say sorry. I know of the image I project onto everyone. You didn't have to listen to me whining about all that!" She wiped her tears with her uniform sleeve. "Whew, that was a long rant. Now I'm the one that's out of breath! Think we should get going now?"

"Uh… yeah." Sluggishly getting up from the ground, Chihiro could only think of one thing. One thing to make it up to the rest of her bandmates, from the self-hiding Izumi, to the childishly anxious Sorae, to the oddly sophisticated Mai. She was too unsettled now, but maybe at some point to the hopelessly ambitionless Aki as well. But for now… Chihiro was going to exclude her.

With the keyboardist beside her, Chihiro stared at the cloudy blue skies overhead and quietly vowed.

'I will tell the truth to my bandmates.

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## Trivia

* Aki's initial 3\* card is displayed in this story.