Mariners Fact

*"my doctor won't let me write mariners facts because he cares about my mental health"*

--Zane Harding

**Mariners Fact** is a Slackbot command in the M-SABR Slack. It was created by Gregory Severin on March 31, 2018 as a companion to Scooter Fact. When "Mariners fact" is commented, Slackbot responds with a randomly selected depressing fact about the Seattle Mariners franchise. Mariners Fact was often triggered to bring down people's expectations about the Mariners back to Earth; Greg, a frequent activator of the bot, would often preface his request for a fact with a statement that people in the Slack (himself included) were a bit too bullish on the club.

The rare positive (or rather, non-negative) Mariners Fact does exist, however. Mariners Fact Slackbot was an avid contributor to the channel's Mitch Haniger hype machine, and would sometimes supply a fact stating "Did you know Mitch Haniger is literally Jesus Christ?" as its response. However, the combination of injuries and ineffectiveness that plagued Haniger through 2019 and 2020 eventually led Greg to remove the response at some point between its last use on January 8, 2020 and November 14, 2020. This means that the one surviving non-negative Mariners fact is the tone-neutral "Did you know that no Seattle Mariner has ever hit .281 in a qualified season?", which was added after Greg spent the evening of March 16, 2019 screwing around with the club's Play Index membership.

Three other positive Mariners facts existed on the Slack, though none of them are in use today. One was used on November 9, 2020 to break the news about Kyle Lewis being named AL Rookie of the Year. Greg's pleasant surprise at seeing this fact, as well as the fact that it was Cam who triggered the Slackbot response, suggests that this fact is the only Mariners fact that Greg did not contribute. In any case, the fact was quietly removed from the collection of possible responses after this lone appearance, and it has not returned. Mariners Fact was used in similar fashion on October 1, 2022 to announce the Mariners' return to the postseason. This postseason appearance also caused the removal of a few drought-related Mariners Facts.

The final positive fact never actually appeared in the Slack. It was a modified version of the Mariners Fact "James Paxton is a Yankee." that Greg added on November 9, 2018 following the Mariners fan-favorite's trade to the Bronx. After Paxton re-signed with the Mariners on February 13, 2021, he changed that specific fact to read "James Paxton has RETURNED TO SEATTLE!" to celebrate. Unfortunately, Paxton's second stint with the club would end after only twenty-four pitches, as he was pulled from his first start with elbow discomfort that would eventually require Tommy John surgery. This prompted Greg not to delete the celebratory Mariners fact, but to instead add the coda "*aaaand he's hurt again*" onto the end of the fact. Paxton's departure in free agency the following year precipitated another change to the fact, which now has a uniformly depressing tone that mirrors most other Mariners facts.

## Responses

**Current**

* Did you know that in 2008, the Seattle Mariners became the first team with a payroll of over $100 million to lose over 100 games?
* Did you know that instead of drafting Mike Trout, the Mariners spent the second overall pick in the 2009 MLB Draft on Dustin Ackley?
* Did you know that despite having generational talents such as Alex Rodriguez, Ken Griffey Jr., Edgar Martinez, Randy Johnson, Ichiro, and Felix Hernandez, the Seattle Mariners have never reached the World Series?
* Did you know that despite being founded in 1977, the Mariners didn't have a winning record until the year 1991?
* Did you know that the City of Seattle literally sued Major League Baseball to have the right to a baseball team? Too bad that team turned out to be the Mariners!
* Did you know that in 2001, the Seattle Mariners went 116-46? They ended up losing the ALCS that year to the Yankees in five games.
* Did you know that the Seattle Mariners have only had a winning record in 14 of their 43 seasons?
* Philip Humber's career stats: 16-23 record, 5.31 ERA, 272 K, 0.9 WAR, one perfect game (thrown against the Mariners).
* Did you know that the Seattle Mariners hold the longest playoff drought in any of the four major sports leagues? They last reached the playoffs in 2001.
* Did you know that a 2017 survey found that the Seattle Mariners are the least hated team in baseball? I guess they didn't survey any Mariners fans.
* Did you know that the Mariners were considered frontrunners for signing Shohei Ohtani until he landed with the rival Angels?
* Did you know that the official slogan for the 2018 Seattle Mariners is "Good"? This is counterintuitive, because the Mariners are not good.
* Did you know that Derek Lowe and Jason Varitek were originally Mariners until they were traded for HEATHCLIFF SLOCUMB of all people?
* On June 5, 2013, the Mariners became the first team in baseball history to hit a grand slam in extra innings...and still lose the game.
* Did you know that after making his triumphant return to Seattle, James Paxton made only *twenty-four* pitches with the team before requiring Tommy John surgery?
* Did you know that in 2010, Yovani Gallardo posted a higher wRC+ than the entire Mariners roster?
* Did you know that the 15 years it took the Mariners to post a .500 season makes them the slowest team in modern pro sports history to have their first winning season?
* These are the first seven picks in the 2005 MLB Draft: https://imgur.com/B4DHyP3
* The Seattle Mariners won one game against the Houston Astros in 2019. ONE GAME. Eighteen losses. This is, of course, the worst record against a divisional opponent in history.
* 29 of the 30 MLB franchises have, at some point, made it to a World Series. The one team that hasn't? The Seattle Mariners.
* The 2019 Seattle Mariners used 42 different pitchers, breaking their own record that they set two years prior.
* Did you know that no Seattle Mariner has ever hit .281 in a qualified season?
* Did you know that the Seattle Mariners have had as many ruptured testicles (5) as playoff appearances (5)?
* The Mariners' playoff drought officially outlasted the iPod. The product was revealed one day after the Mariners Game 5 ALCS loss to New York in 2001, and the final iPod model was discontinued in May 2022.

**Former**

* Did you know that the Seattle SuperSonics have made the playoffs more recently than the Mariners?
* When the Mariners last clinched a playoff spot, the Twin Towers still existed.