Assef

Assef was a notorious leader of the Taliban. He was one of the most hated people of all time because raped Hassan, which in turn drove every chad in the multi-verse against him. He had a rivalry with Ramsay Bolton, somebody even more hated than him.

## Early Life

Assef was born in Kabul, Afghanistan. His parents were Jafar and Ilse Koch which embarrassed him because he was half German but thankfully he inherited no German traits at all. As a child he had lots of gay sex with other boys and loved watching the movie "300" which always turns men gay when they watch it. He also liked bullying the Hazaras because he was insecure about his kraut heritage.

## Teen Years

Assef particularly liked bullying these kids named Amir and Hassan because he was a racist pussy who was too afraid to bully anyone else. After Amir and Hassan won a kite flying contest Assef raped Hassan with his two henchmen Wali and Kemal. The incident ended Amir and Hassan's friendship because Amir was a dick who got Hassan kicked out of the house.

## Jail Time

When Spiderus invaded Afghanistan Assef was thrown in jail but he had a pretty good time raping people in the showers. This was when he had his first encounter with the Tattletale Strangler when he shaved his mustache off. Assef was released after Spiderus's army was defeated by Tommy Wiseau and the Americans.

## The Taliban

Assef joined the Taliban after being released and fought with them against the Americans and became their leader after Ronald McDonald died.

## Rivalry With Ramsay Bolton

Assef had a long rivalry with Ramsay Bolton to prove which one of them was more villainous. To show who was truly boss, Assef snuck into Winterfell and defecated all over the place and sprayed shit all over the walls. Ramsay ordered his men to go make Assef pay so they killed Assef's gay lovers one by one. When Assef learned about it, he captured Ramsay's men and fucked their buttholes without mercy so Ramsay sent a raven to Assef challenging him to a battle. Before the battle, Assef screwed some random slut because he wanted to know what straight sex felt like, and he hated it. He got her pregnant though, and although he never met his son, it was pretty obvious to everyone that they were related.

## Battle of the Bitches

Assef's taliban forces met on one side of the battlefield from Ramsay's men. The two sides charged and the battle lasted for several hours, and Assef's men annihlated the Northmen. Assef chased Ramsay back to Winterfell and fought him and eventually blew his head off with a shotgun. Assef then decided to conquer the world.

## The Genocide-inator

Assef decided that he wanted to kill all Hazaras and Welsh people but he was too lazy to kill them all himself. Instead, Assef snuck off to the tri-state area and stole the genocide-inator from Doofenshmirtz. He then took it back to Afghanistan but to activate it he needed the infinite stones. It took him a week to find them all.

## Battle With Team 12

Assef was attacked by Team 12 when he tried to activate his Hazara-and-Welsh-genocide-inator. Assef defeated them but they destroyed his machine, so Assef got mad and killed several of the chads with his sword so Amir rescued Hassan and challenged Assef to a rock off. Assef accepted and delivered a badass rock ballad and Amir and Hassan failed to match his skill but the Strangler then burst in and beat up Assef and tried to rape him but Assef got turned on so they had totally consensual gay sex instead. Amir, Hassan and the chads escaped while this happened.

## World Conquest

Assef tried to conquer the world with his army but lost every battle he fought so he decided to attack an easy country like the USA and he won some battles but was driven out of Arizona so he decided to attack Philadelphia to get revenge on The Gang.

## Destruction of the Taliban

As Assef was marching to attack Philadelphia, he left to go shit in the woods. While he was away, Omni-Man flew past during his battle with Invincible so fast that it caused a nuclear explosion that killed all of Assef's soldiers in less than a second. Assef returned from the woods to find his entire army dead and threw a massive temper tantrum.

## Hiding

After he finished his tantrum, Assef tried to do something so he lived in the swamps and tried to gather a following but totally failed. He got cyber-bullied a lot when he tried to get subscribers on YouTube so he quit and lived off his successful parents who kept sending him money.

## Lab

Assef made a deal with Rick Sanchez to ressurect his army in exchange for him killing a bunch of people the Rick hated but after Assef killed them Rick revealed that he didn't do necromancy so Assef got pissed and stabbed Rick in the crotch with a screw driver.

## Death

Assef wanted revenge on Omni-Man for killing his entire army and destroying his evil plan so he grabbed an AK-47 and walked to Winterfell to kill him. He arrived just as Omni-Man was going to kill Squidward but when he tried to shoot him the evil Viltrumite simply brushed it off, grabbed Assef's head between his hands and crushed his skull like an egg. This was the end of Assef.

## Legacy

No one in the world gave a shit that Assef died except for Colin Kaepernick, who whined on twitter that Omni-Man had killed an "innocent brown person."

## Fate

Assef is rotting in hell. and is constantly being raped by Joseph Stalin as punishment for what he did to Hassan.

## Reasons Why Assef Was the Most Retarded Fucking Cunt Who Ever Lived

* He worshipped Ratigan
* He thought that the government had his best interests at heart.
* He failed to live up to the standards of his chad father.
* He actually thought he could defeat Omni-Man with an AK-47.
* He killed Ramsay Bolton way too quickly and painlessly.
* He tried to conquer the world with an army of retards like him.
* He wanted to have Hitler's babies because he was too fucking stupid to get it through his head that Hitler would have hated him because he was gay and only half-German.
* The only reason his stupid ass lived as long as it did was because he was a pussy who hid in a swamp for five years.
* He never got a real job and lived off the success of his parents.
* He wanted every he disagreed with to die but then got butthurt whenever he heard people making offensive jokes.
* He was only half Pashtun yet was a Pashtun supremacist because he never grew out of his sophomore-year victimhood-complex.
* He raped Hassan, not knowing that doing something so terrible to someone so pure would drive every chad in the multi-verse against him.
* The only person who mourned for him was Colin Kaepernick, who is even more retarded than him.

## Likes

* Adolf Hitler
* Raping People
* Killing People
* Masturbating
* Beards

## Dislikes

* Omni-Man
* Ramsay Bolton
* Amir
* Hassan
* Hazaras
* America
* Christians
* Jews
* The Society of Chads
* Barack Obama
* Donald Trump
* Joe Biden
* The IRA