Fake TPOT 25a: A Cheese Puff

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
"**A Cheese Puff**" is the first part of the non-canon twenty-fifth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 22 October 1981. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known as "**Happy to Join?**" and later "**The Chocolate Solder**" before it became the title of the episode directly after (even though *this* episode has nothing to do with cheese puffs whatsoever).

Author's note: This is probably my least favourite episode to date. I wanted to make the scenes with the contestants a little shorter after the full-length movie that TPOT 24 turned out to be... yet I'm obligated to make this one a two-parter just because its episode number ends in *5*. So, this episode will be about all the non–still-in contestants. And yet it's still relevant to the plot. Somehow.

Author's note (after writing): So you know how *Inanimate Insanity* had an "episode 5.5"? Consider this episode to be "**TPOT 24.5**"... I won't make that the official title because this ended up being the normal length of part of a two-parter episode. Maybe it's not so bad after all.

Description if this were on YouTube:

What's Two up to now? I don't know, but I'm sure someone will get into trouble. Also, someone or several people might get the chance to join! Are we talking about this show? You'll have to wait and see!

Previous episode: "It Was a Very Good Year"

Next episode: "Chocolate Solder"

## Cold open

### **Two's Party Huis**

**Scene**The episode begins with a black screen—it's almost morning, but not quite. With the sound of a switch, the lights partially come on and we see the remains of Two's Party Huis from the last episode. One half looks a bit trashed; the other half is just empty. The eerie silence (combined with some faint Minecraft cave sounds in the background) is a stark contrast to the party scene from the last time we saw it. View of the door: Enter **Two** with a large smile on their face, staring at the camera.
* **Two**: [*nemini loquens*] This isn't creepy. This isn't creepy indeed.

[*Beat.*]

* **Two**: If Jack Nickel-son suddenly shows up, I'm out of here. [*Silence.*] Oh well! It doesn't hurt *toOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—***

[*The same disco intro plays as in the previous act, even though that kind of disco has gone a bit out of fashion by now.*]

* **Two**: Add more light!

[*Two turns on another light and the room is just as lit as it was in the last episode.*]

* **Two**: *Hopsasa*, that's more like it! And now, my dear contestants will be coming in five! Four! Three! Two! One! Zero! [*Beat.*] Negative two! Negative two! Negative—okay, this is counterproductive. Always works for the disdain-worthy objects, though.

[*Fade to a few minutes later. Two is sitting on the floor, staring at the camera again.*]

* **Two**: Uggggh, this is getting boring!

[*A lightbulb suddenly appears above Two.*]

* **Two**: I've got an idea!
* **L****igh****tbul****b**: Ò!
* **Two**: Lightbulb? Shouldn't you be in the Filing Cabinet?
* **L****igh****tbul****b**: Chiz happens.

[*Exit* **Lightbulb** *in a manner so nonchalant that even Two is shocked.*]

* **Two**: How about I... phone a friend!

[*Two rushes over to the pay phone section of the party house. By now, they have all been covered in dust.*]

* **Two**: Ew, that's, like, totally *grody*.

[*Two blows the dust off one of the phones, coughing a bit.*]

* **Two**: That's better!

[*Two presses one number on the phone for a long time. We see who is on the other end of the line:* **TUB**, *Two's secret friend whose identity will not be revealed until later. We can see what whoever TUB is, they are sitting behind a large phone box in someone else's car, wearing a balaclava, you know, the kind that robbers wear on television. The ski mask is decorated with colourful triangles, reminiscent of the new wave fashion that has been hitting the streets since around this time.*]

* **T****U****B**: [*high voice*] Ye— [*medium voice*] Um— [*imitating a deep voice*] Hello.
* **Two**: Hi... er... what do you want me to call you?
* **T****U****B**: *The Unusual Being*.
* **Two**: Why don't I just call you *TUB*? If I can successfully turn *Rubber Spatula* into some obscure name from Goikyan Sicily, I can guarantee you'll be happy to bear the same name as a top-class bathing container.
* **T****U****B**: A *TUB*. That works too. Anyway, why have you called me?
* **Two**: Let me answer your question with another question: *Why aren't you here yet?*

[*Two's yelling voice echoes throughout the room. They look around, somewhat afraid.*]

* **T****U****B**: Because I'm still stuck in traffic. Driving to Earth is much more difficult these days, on account of all those—
* **Two**: Objects.
* **T****U****B**: [*very deep voice*] Objects.
* **Two**: You know, you don't need to disguise your voice.
* **T****U****B**: Oh yes, I do. I'm in an Over.
* **Two**: [*slurps inwards*] Can your driver hear you?
* **T****U****B**: No, she doesn't speak.

[*TUB waves at* **Teardrop**, *who is driving the car. She gives TUB a confused look.*]

* **Two**: That wasn't what I was asking. Anyway, they've got Overs on the Equation Playground?
* **T****U****B**: Of course they do. You were there, Two!
* **Two**: I was cooped up in an office for eight months doing nothing but paperwork; I didn't have time to go out and explore this new hybrid culture. You ought to know that my contestants are a handful, and some of them haven't even got hands!
* **T****U****B**: Fascinating. Are they here right now?
* **Two**: Why do you think I'm calling you, to ask about the weather? I could be sneezing out dead people in the Goikyan Pacific for fun, but instead I'm stuck here waiting for my object subordinates to show up. Do you know how many minutes it's been? Two plus *twoOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*Nothing happens.*]

* **T****U****B**: What's with the sudden change in intonation? You've clearly played the intro once already.
* **Two**: Well, a second time wouldn't hurt. Heh. Look at me, saying my name again. In *ordinal* form, mind you.

[*The intro plays again, not triggered by the uttering of the word "two" or a homophone thereof.*]

## Warming up

### **Balloony's hotel room**

**Scene**Yep, this isn't going to be a normal episode. It is early morning in the Filing Cabinet. **Balloony** wakes up next to **Cloudy**, who is still asleep. **Rocky** sleeps on top of the television set.
* **Balloony**: *Yaaaaaawn!*

[**Cake**, *who sleeps in the next bed, wakes up too.*]

* **C****a****ke**: Balloony, that's... that's a bit noisy.
* **Balloony**: You want to go back to your kip?
* **C****a****ke**: Nah. [*points at the window*] The "Sun" is too out.

[*Jump cut to a view of the Filing Cabinet, which is still inside a locked room near the hotel lobby. There's no real Sun to speak of.*]

* **Balloony**: Good point. Awright, I'm making another video diary.
* **C****a****ke**: Okay, I'll just be in the background... just like in BFB!
* **Balloony**: Ha!
* **C****a****ke**: I don't think that was meant to be funny.
* **Balloony**: Oof. Sorry.

[*He gets his camcorder out and presses the button.*]

* **Balloony**: There it is; there I am! Good morning all, to a brand-new day in the Filing Cabinet. Cake's here and he's ready to provide commentary on whatever it is I'll do today.
* **C****a****ke**: [*waving at the camera*] Hi!

[*As Balloony talks, his head begins to slowly grow more bulbous.*]

* **Balloony**: So... the foremost thing I want to talk about is the breakfast we get here. Ilk day, some food falls from the ceiling into our rooms a few times. That's why we can only be on the phone at certain times of the day, but that's okay because... for then we can talk to our loved ones.

[**Cloudy** *wakes up.*]

* **Cloudy**: Balloony, are you vlogging again?
* **C****a****ke**: *Flocking*? What's that?
* **Cloudy**: A word Puffball made up.
* **Balloony**: Mm-hmm, then after breakfast, we watch television. Och. Let me show you. [*turns on the TV and finds nothing on the broadcaster that shows TPOT*] And there's nothing on. Strange.
* **Cloudy**: [*concerned*] Em... Balloony?
* **Balloony**: Aye?
* **Cloudy**: Your head, it's growing bigger!
* **Balloony**: Na, it isnae; I amn't even showing this video to a'body else (under penalty of death)!
* **Cloudy**: No, your actual head is getting bigger!
* **C****a****ke**: Its *bulbosity!*
* **Balloony**: Och, dinnae make me change the oxygen pressure in here while I'm daein' my video.
* **Cloudy**: Shall we call room service instead?
* **Balloony**: I can do it!

[**Balloony** *gets up and enters the bathroom. He fixes the oxygen levels as if it were a thermostat.*]

* **Cloudy**: [*from the room*] This is such an avant-garde hotel.
* **C****a****ke**: I know, right?
* **Roc****ky**: Bulleh! [*vomits*]
* **C****a****ke**: Oh, Rocky.
* **Cloudy**: *Demat.* [*Subtitles: Breton for "Good morning".*]

[*Balloony smiles to himself as he listens in on his roommates, and also because the air thingy is fixed. His head is back to normal. He exits the bathroom.*]

* **Balloony**: Okay, guys, the air is fixed and I can get back to my— [*opens his eyes to see that* **Cake**, **Cloudy** *and* **Rocky** *have disappeared*] Chezz.

### **Two's Party Huis**

**Scene**Two is still on the phone with TUB.
* **Two**: I'm sorry; I just want to host the competition again.
* **T****U****B**: But you will! I believe you're a good host.
* **Two**: Sure, but your not being here is making things much worse!
* **T****U****B**: Aw, that's really sweet. Hey, while I've got you all talking nicely and stuff, can you help me with something?
* **Two**: Nope!

[*Two hangs up and stares at the camera.*]

* **Two**: Good talk.

### **Balloony's room**

**Scene**Balloony is very worried about the loss of his friends.
* **Balloony**: Oh no, they're all gone! And this is definitely not a surprise trip to the food court, for I would ken! Oh, whit tae dae, whit tae dae...

[*A lightbulb appears above Balloony's head.*]

* **L****igh****tbul****b**: There I am!
* **Balloony**: Em, could you please not be here right now? I'm kind of freaking out.
* **L****igh****tbul****b**: Okay!

[*Lightbulb tries to open the door but can't.*]

* **L****igh****tbul****b**: It's stuck!
* **Balloony**: Here, let me have a go.

[*Balloony tries to open the door too, but he can't—the doors have been locked.*]

* **Balloony**: Naw, wait! I've another idea!

[*Balloony picks up the phone and calls a very long number.*]

* **L****igh****tbul****b**: Who are you calling?
* **Balloony**: A friend from another land.
* **L****igh****tbul****b**: O... kay.

[*Exit* **Lightbulb** *to the bathroom.*]

* **Balloony**: Please work, you.

[*The phone connects to the other end. We see through a split screen that he is talking to* **Nickel**, *who is talking on a pay phone on the beach at night.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Hello?
* **Balloony**: Nickel, hullo!
* **Nic****k****el**: Balloony! How are y'all doing in the Filing Cabinet?
* **Balloony**: Em... 'tis pretty quiet here. Ye aren't missing much.
* **Nic****k****el**: Well, that's nice. It's the end of summer and Millie and Ha go back to college tomorrow, so Dad's taking us to the beach. I bet Cake would love it!
* **Balloony**: Sure he would! [*Aside.*] Oh, crap, I can't tell him that Cake, Cloudy and Rocky have gone AWOL!
* **Nic****k****el**: Who's gone AWOL?
* **Balloony**: Errrrrr...
* **Nic****k****el**: You know I can hear y'all, right? Where is everyone?
* **Balloony**: Em, at the Fridge. Aye, we were hungry here, so now Cloudy has to go down to the eating area and get our breakfast, heh.
* **Nic****k****el**: Sounds legit.
* **Balloony**: So how are you doing?
* **Nic****k****el**: Not bad! You'll never believe this, but... [*whispers*] I got a girlfriend.
* **Balloony**: Braw! I take it you're not hung up about the whole Naily thing any more, are you?
* **Nic****k****el**: Tsst, hung up... Naily. Yeah, I'm fine, really. If Naily can have David, I can have Carlene. It is what it is.

[*Enter* **Carlene**, *who is a very small car about the same size as Nickel.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Hey, Car, I was just talking about you! [*foots her over the phone*]
* **Balloony**: Hullo!
* **C****ar****le****ne**: Hello. [*Aside, to Nickel.*] Who is this?
* **Nic****k****el**: That's Balloony. My show-dad, remember?
* **C****ar****le****ne**: Oh! It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Nickel's Show-Daddy.
* **Balloony**: Happy end o' summer!
* **C****ar****le****ne**: Yeah. [*to Nickel*] Your pa wants me to tell you you got five minutes left and then you're going home.
* **Nic****k****el**: Aw, seriously? I mean... cool. Tell him I'll be right there.
* **C****ar****le****ne**: Okay. [*Beat.*] Wait, are you talking on a phone... that's not yours?
* **Nic****k****el**: Yeah.
* **C****ar****le****ne**: I can't be seen out here with a thief! [*throws her hands up*] *We're through!*

[*Exit* **Carlene** *melodramatically.*]

* **Balloony**: So, Nickel... you say you have a girlfriend?
* **Nic****k****el**: I *had* one.

[*Balloony raises his eyebrow, confused.*]

* **Balloony**: I'd better go now, Nicholas. I must find C, C and R before I become even more worried.
* **Nic****k****el**: You're reviving C-reed-fence Clean-water Revival?
* **Balloony**: No, not that. Listen, I'll talk with you later.
* **Nic****k****el**: Alright, bye!
* **Balloony**: Bye now!

[*Balloony hangs up and breathes a sigh of relief.*]

### **Two's Party Huis**

**Scene**Two talks alone.
* **Two**: To think that over two hundred days ago this place was packed and full of music and dancing objects. [*Pause.*] I'm starting to miss them all. Oh, I know what to do!

[*Two brings out a music player. They put headphones in their ears and press play as a song very similar to "Video Killed the Radio Star" can be heard.*]

* **Two**: So this is what the humans play on Empty TV. [*Beat.*] Very weird, but not as weird as me! A-wheedy-waddy-toodle-poodle-hortle-snortle-*hoh!* In fact, I'm going to sing these very intricate lyrics my way! Yeah!

[*Two begins to sing and jump on the empty stage all gleefully.*]

**Song**

**Vocalist(s)**: Two

**Two**: ♫ Dance. Dance! Dance? Dance;

Dance- Dance— Dance… Dance“

Dance: Dance; Dance¡ Dance¿

Dance’ Dance\* Dance\_ Dance#

Dance‽ Dance« Dance» Dance(

Dance§ Dance‡ Dance¶ Dance©

Dance◊ Dance±Dance⁀ Dance‰

Dance☞ Dance⌀ Dance∴ Dance❧ ♫

### **Balloony's room**

**Scene**
* **Balloony**: [*to himself*] Oh gosh, whom do I call now that there's an emergency? [*Beat.*] Oh. The police. Not just a band, I think.

[*Balloony picks up the phone, but breakfast falls on the desk again.*]

* **Balloony**: Och, not again! Okay, I shall eat and then I'll call them.

[*Fade to Balloony having eaten his breakfast.*]

* **Balloony**: Burritos. Nice touch. And now to call the ecilop. [*picks up the phone*] Hullo, police?

[*View of the outside of the Filing Cabinet.*]

### **Two's Party Huis**

**Scene**Two is still listening to music on their headphones. The red and blue lights of a police siren begin to appear outside.
* **Two**: This... this is actually not half bad. I think I'm going to... I'm going to...

[*Pause, as though the invisible audience are telling them not to sneeze out dead people.*]

* **Two**: That's right!

[*Sternuit duos cylindros receptatorum.*]

* **Two**: You're ♫ *he-ere!* ♫
* **Voice**: [*muffled*] I know!

[*The first recovery cylinder breaks, revealing someone we have not seen before:* **Hotel Bell**. *Two gasps.*]

* **Two**: Hotel Bell? Is it really you?
* **Hote****l** **Bell**: I- I guess it is. [*looks around*] Where am I?
* **Two**: You're in my Party Huis!
* **Hote****l** **Bell**: Oh, so you've exchanged your hotel for a party house.
* **Two**: [*correcting her*] Party *Huis*.
* **Hote****l** **Bell**: Hey, when are we? I feel like I've been watching dead people come and go for the last six years!
* **Two**: Oh... well...
* **Hote****l** **Bell**: It's been six years; hasn't it? [*Two nods.*] Come on, Hoppy, we're out of here.

[*The cylinder begins to roll on the floor, and it exits the scene (with* **Hop Bell** *inside) along with* **Hotel Bell**.]

* **Hote****l** **Bell**: [*as she leaves*] Is Bell still in?
* **Two**: No, she got eliminated fourteen episodes ago. That's seven times... ***TWOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*Hotel Bell grumbles to herself as she exits. Two puts their headphones back on. Before Hotel Bell is completely out of the picture, she says this.*]

* **Hote****l** **Bell**: Oh, by the way, the police are here.
* **Two**: What? I can't hear you!

[*Exit.*]

* **Two**: It gives me such a sense of *divertissement* to have a dance in such an environment that I almost begin to forget the essential question of being: Where am I?

### **Conference Room**

**Scene**Jump cut to **Cake**, who appears to be sitting in an extremely clean, techno-ish room.
* **C****a****ke**: Where am I?

[*Zoom out to see the nineteen other eliminated contestants. They are sitting around an extremely clean, techno-ish table and are just as confused.*]

## On fire

### **Two's Party Huis**

**Scene**Two is still dancing; they now look like Ruby was in BFDIA 5a. Enter **Officer United States Dollar**, the police officer in charge of investigating things and stuff. He holds in a barf as he looks upon Two.
* **Two**: La! La! La, la, la! La! La! La, la, la!
* **U.S. Dollar**: [*speaking in reverse*] Steady on, citizen! [*Subtitles: "Tilípo, rósthesta!"*]

[*Two doesn't listen. USD claps his hands twice to get Two's attention, and they stop at that.*]

* **Two**: Ah! Invader!

[*Two uses their powers to fling* **USD** *out of the room. Two smiles smugly at the camera before USD crawls back about three minutes later. Yep, there were three minutes of actual silence before any action happened.*]

* **Two**: Wha? You're not meant to be here!
* **U.S. Dollar**: Actually, I am. [*shows his badge*] Two, you are under arrest for 2,763 counts of torture. Also kidnapping. [*Subtitles: "Yípogaa sispíe. Onrístinisava esrígotika tris taxíne essikótaep desálihi odí ya sitikrá pói steí, Odí. Meí, tatikótimaprag stin."*]
* **Two**: What?
* **U.S. Dollar**: Please come with me. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during questioning and at trial. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. [*Subtitles: "Thída sas tha, osixúrepli nané teserópli na teríbo den áne. Kidí sti ke siskriána tis akiárdi ti táka rónpa rogókidi teheé na maiókadi to teheé. Oristíkadi se sass ontínane ítheipomosihri na ríbo telé tepodítio. Lóspiosi nismírapa na maiókadi to hise. Mu zíma laé lókarapa se."*]
* **Two**: This isn't Goikyan Yugoslavia!
* **U.S. Dollar**: Please comply. Today, you are going to the police station. [*Subtitles: "Matmí kóminostia sto pas tha, ramesí. Tethífomorsim lókarapa."*]
* **Two**: Wait, wait, wait! Can't I say goodbye to my Party Huis first?
* **U.S. Dollar**: [*sigh*] Fine. But make it quick. [*Subtitles: "Ragogrí mosó to neká. Mostipró."*]

[*USD covers his eyes as Two opens every door and says goodbye to whatever is in it.*]

* **Two**: Goodbye, broom closet. Goodbye, secret compartment where I keep archived copies of the game rules. Goodbye, Lightning and Snowball! [*Beat.*] *Lightning and Snowball?*

[*He opens the door further, revealing* **Lightning** *and* **Snowball** *cuddling in a bed together.*]

* **Two**: You shouldn't be here! You should be in your own countries, ditching me like every other contestant's doing!
* **Snowball**: Shut up! Me he ***LOVE!***
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Aye, surely.
* **U.S. Dollar**: That's enough, Two. [*Subtitles: "Odí, kíar."*]
* **Two**: Ubububuh! Ubububuh!

[*Exeunt* **Two** *and* **Officer Dollar**.]

* **Two**: [*off-screen*] Ubububuh!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: This random humour isn't for me.
* **Snowball**: Shut up and kiss me, Lightning!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Eight months straight, frick!

[*Lightning closes the door.*]

## Almost the climax

### **Conference Room**

**Scene**The eliminated contestants talk amongst one another. They are still confused. Among them is **Needle**, who is back to her old, two-dimensional design.
* **F****old****y**: It's the question that has stumped objectkind since the dawn of dawns: Why are we here?
* **Cloudy**: You remember what they teach us all in school: First you're born, and then it's best not to ask about it.
* **F****old****y**: No, I'm asking about why we are all in this room. I thought we had our own places to live, didn't we?
* **B****e****ll**: We did, but now we don't.
* **C****a****ke**: Aw, why wouldn't Balloony be here? He was on this show, sort of!
* **Barf** **Bag**: I'm surprised you're still talking about why we're here in the first place; maybe we should turn our thoughts to escape!
* **Need****le**: Escape?
* **Pi****e**: That's not something worth talking about.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Yeah! Who knows what happens if one tries to escape the Filing Cabinet?
* **Yellow Face**: Probably something *dreadful!*
* **E****g****gy**: Or really stupid.
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy love escape!
* **Fan****ny**: I hate it!
* **B****e****ll**: Shh, someone's coming!

[*Everyone stays still except for* **Bottle**, *who is waving her arms because no one else is.*]

* **Barf** **Bag**: Bottle... maybe you should not make those movements right now?
* **Bot****tle**: But I love to move!
* **Barf** **Bag**: Yeah, but look at us. [*posing peacefully*] We've got to be serene at a time like this. Why, even Pie's getting into the action!
* **Pi****e**: [*with her eyes closed*] Mih-mih-mih-mih-mih-mih...
* **Bom****by**: *Conformist!*
* **Barf** **Bag**: Okay, Bomby, I'm now beginning to admit that was the wrong response. Marker, you're her roommate. Why does she act like this?
* **Ma****r****ker**: I don't know.
* **Pill****ow**: Innocent. Not bound by rules. Free-thinker. According to my research, these are a few of the colourful words that describe Bottle. Perhaps we should all be like her!
* **Bot****tle**: Yeah! We should *all* be like her!
* **Eraser**: Nah, I'm too lazy.

[*The door begins to open. No one is on the other side.*]

* **B****e****ll**: Oh no, guys, there's a ghost!
* **Ma****r****ker**: No, there isn't. I would know!

[*A piece of paper rises from the ground, a clever inversion of the "paper falling from the sky" trope.*]

* **Ma****r****ker**: Oh! It's a paper!
* **Eraser**: No, Marker, it's a chunk of lava. /s
* **Bom****by**: *Lava?! No!*
* **Eraser**: Sorry.
* **E****g****gy**: Well, whatever it is, it looks important. Tell me when you're done reading this.

[*Eggy gets up to get a glass of water. Everyone starts talking to one another before quieting down again.*]

* **T****V**: I think someone should read this.
* **Ice Cube**: Not it!
* **Fan****ny**: I hate communal reading!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Do it, Fanny!
* **Fan****ny**: Fine.

[*Fanny picks up the paper and reads it to herself. The other eliminated contestants watch, looking at one another.*]

* **Fan****ny**: Okay.
* **Pi****e**: Well, Fanny, what does it say?
* **Fan****ny**: I hate having to repeat myself!
* **Ma****r****ker**: What?
* **Fan****ny**: ***I SAID I HATE—***

[*A voice begins to be heard. We don't know who owns it, but they are terribly loud.*]

* **Voice**: ***HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*Grassy covers his ears.*]

* **E****g****gy**: Come on, Grassy, it wasn't that loud!
* **B****e****ll**: I saw a part of you chip.
* **E****g****gy**: No, I didn't.
* **Voice**: Kindly interrupt me only at the times I want you to. As I was saying, ***HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*Pause.*]

* **Eliminated contestants**: [*bored*] Hello.
* **Voice**: And *welcome* to season 8 of *Battle for Dream Island!*

[*Everyone gasps.*]

## Climax

### **Conference Room**

**Scene**Everyone looks at the source of the voice with awe, still confused as to what is going on.
* **Voice**: Did you not hear me? I said, "Welcome to season 8 of *Battle for Dream Island!*"

[*Disco music plays for a second.*]

* **Voice**: Has anybody any questions?
* **Barf** **Bag**: Season *8?*
* **Need****le**: I thought we were on season 5!
* **Fan****ny**: I hate skipping numbers!
* **Voice**: No, season 8 is the latest BFDI season. Seasons 6 and 7 have just finished!
* **T****V**: I don't think that's all that correct.
* **Voice**: Why not?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Because TV would have shown me those episodes when he had the chance!
* **T****V**: It's true.
* **Fan****ny**: Why does it matter that there is an eighth season of BFDI? We were eliminated during its *fifth* season!
* **Voice**: Because you are all invited to take part in season 8 of... *Battle for Dream Island!*
* **Eraser**: Oh, awesome, another season I have to do work to compete in. /s
* **Voice**: No, there's no guarantee you'll make it in. And especially not with that attitude, Eraser.
* **Eraser**: Grrrrr!
* **Voice**: No. We're leaving it up to all the voters to vote for one contestant from all of you, along with several new characters you've probably never seen before. If you get enough votes to make it into the show, you will be taking part in the eighth season of...
* **Everyone**: [*bored*] *Battle for Dream Island*.
* **Bot****tle**: [*faking an echo*] Island! Island! Island! Bottle! Island!
* **Voice**: The only thing I need of you now is to take a group photo so that the viewers know who they should be voting for. Can you do that? A group photo? Outside?
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy doesn't want to do it outdoors!
* **E****g****gy**: Yeah, we haven't done anything outside the Filing Cabinet in years!
* **B****e****ll**: Didn't you, like, die in episode 19?
* **E****g****gy**: Shh.
* **Voice**: You'll have to do it outside, because after that, there's a very long drive to the set, where you'll be part of the pilot episode's Cake at Stake!
* **Pill****ow**: That's such an interesting thing to be a part of! I RSVP *ja*, *oui*, *sí*, yes.
* **E****g****gy**: Wait, they still have Cake at Stake out there?
* **F****old****y**: That's so season 1!
* **Ma****r****ker**: Um, Foldy? Cake at Stake happened in TPOT too.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: It's the process that got you eliminated!
* **F****old****y**: Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me. Not.
* **Cloudy**: Well, I for one think this might be a heck of an adventure.
* **Voice**: That's the spirit! So who's coming with me? [*Beat.*] That question was rhetorical; you're *all* coming!

[*Everyone cheers. Eraser stands on the table and walks over to the in-wall speaker from which the voice comes.*]

* **Eraser**: But how will we get there?
* **Pill****ow**: Yeah, none of us can fly!

[*Cloudy looks offended.*]

* **Voice**: Our van should be coming in eight... eight... eight... eight...

[*A pink, hippie-type van comes crashing into the Filing Cabinet. Miraculously, it merely phases through the walls and does not cause any damage. Everyone goes "ooh" and "aah", a bit like in BFDI 10.*]

* **Voice**: Eliminated Tpotians, meet your new driverless van: Uniqua.
* **Eraser**: [*hopping off the table*] Hi, Uniqua. I don't believe we've met. [*leans against it*]
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Eraser, are you flirting... with a *van?*
* **Eraser**: Damn right I am.
* **T****V**: I can believe that.
* **Need****le**: Unfortunately?
* **T****V**: Mm-hmm.

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene****Two** is being led away by **USD Faulty Clone**, as opposed to USD—the author didn't want to do all that reverse-Greek translating stuff because I was lazy. They are wearing handcuffs.
* **Two**: Can I say goodbye to my hotel first?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Meh, whatever.
* **Two**: It's a dark day on the Equation Playground when I have to say goodbye to you, O glorious hotel. We have shared so many memories together.
* **USD Faulty Clone**: [*correcting them*] You mean, so many memories torturing people.

[*Two uses their powers to magic the handcuffs off them. USD Clone doesn't seem to mind.*]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: Just get in the car, Two.
* **Two**: Can't I have an ice cream?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Eh, why not? I'll order one too.
* **Two**: Thanks!

[*The police car drives off into the distance. Two teleports out of it.*]

* **Two**: Finally, I'm free from the long arm of the law.

[*The police car drives backwards to pick Two up again.*]

* **Two**: Oh no. [*turns around*] You'll never take me alive, coppers!

[*At the same time, Uniqua, the van, crashes its way out of the hotel (disturbing not even a wall), and all the eliminated contestants are in it. View from the inside.*]

* **Cloudy**: So when are we getting our picture taken?
* **Voice**: [*coming out of Uniqua's speakers*] In a few seconds. I won't tell you how many, but you've probably got a clue!
* **Bot****tle**: Yeah, a clue!
* **Pill****ow**: [*showing her magnifying glass*] Don't make me research further!
* **C****a****ke**: Wait a second. Is that... Two out there?
* **Pi****e**: It's our numerical host, Two, who is getting arrested.
* **Ice Cube**: I'm scared!
* **E****g****gy**: Oh, Icy, it's fine. They probably just destroyed some parking meters.
* **Roc****ky**: Bulleh! [*vomits*]
* **Need****le**: Why would that be the first reason you thought of?
* **E****g****gy**: I saw it in a movie.
* **Eraser**: Hold up, I know that officer! He's the same chooch that got me arrested in Brooklyn back in '61! [*sticks his head out the window*] Eyy, yo Two! You gotta trick him with a— [*puts his head back in*] Never mind, it's useless.
* **Barf** **Bag**: I thought you were more of a suburban-type guy.
* **Eraser**: *Zzzt!*
* **B****e****ll**: Why is Two trying so hard to escape?
* **Bom****by**: 'Cause Two can!
* **Voice**: Everyone, smile for the camera!

[*The eliminated contestants watch as Two tries to resist arrest not once, but twice. They don't even notice the "click!" of the camera capturing them.*]

* **Voice**: That'll make for a nice section on the voting screen: twenty spectators. Good contestant material? [*Beat.*] Who cares.

[*The picture zooms out as the twenty eliminated contestants join a bunch of new characters we have never seen before. Their names and codes appear above their picture as some other text appears on the screen:* "**Comment on this video to vote. You can vote up to 8 times! The 80 contestants with the most votes will be in Season Eight. Voting ends on December 31, 1981.**"' *At the end of the video, these words appear.*]

**To be continued

in TPOT 25b

Winter 1981–82

And in BFDI: Season 8
Shortly after that**

[*Roll credits.*]

## Notes

1. ↑ These monologues always confuse me, especially when I'm the one writing them. I've got to introduce some new people soon before this turns into *The Two and Balloony Show*.
2. ↑ What makes a room "techno", especially in 1981? I dot not know.
3. ↑ Want to bet that season 8 of BFDI will come out in 2030?

**Fake TPOT** [V]