The Squidy Bride

The Squidy Bride was a role-play that took place from August-November 2020. It was a fantasy-romantic comedy, following the story of Princess Buttercup of Florin, who was the subject of an arranged marriage with Lord Squidy of Penguin Club. Beyond the main plot of Buttercup's arranged marriage, the story focused on the political misfortunes of the Penguin Club underground. It was loosely based off of the novel and film *The Princess Bride.*

The main characters of The Squidy Bride include Wesley Krysko, Inigo Montoya, Fezzik, Grub, Princess Buttercup, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Archie Bino, Stephen Bear, and Lord Squidy.

## Plot

Over two years after being discovered off the coast of Groupy McGroupface after the failed kidnapping attempt of Johnny Appleseed in the aftermath of the 2018/19 Groupy McGroupface Presidential Elections, former Congressman Grub is on trial for his various misdeeds.

Grub is represented by public defendant Saul Goodman, who is despised in legal circles for his questionable tactics in defending unpopular clients such as Aaron Burr, Cosney Megundal, and George Tiscali. With the case under severe media scrutiny, District Attorney Bill Oakley hires famous UKGC lawyer Apollo Justice to secure Grub's conviction.

Despite a valiant effort from Goodman, Justice's closing argument all but assures Grub's conviction. Judge Richter sentences Grub to the highest punishment possible within the group chat -- exile.

A day later, Grub's sentence is carried out in the presence of lawyer Goodman. In a scene reminiscent of the aftermath of the 2018/19 election, Grub solemn boards a raft and is handcuffed to it as it's pushed out to shore by a group of GMGF police officers. Saul, after seeing Grub out of sight, asks to join the police officers for lunch at the local Lasagna Factory™.

Meanwhile, in his Penguin Club palace, Lord Squidy holds a cabinet meeting. He announces the introduction of a new cabinet position to be held by Jacob Rees-Mogg, who soon jumps into the meeting. Squidy, desperate to hold onto power, takes ideas on how to do so. After failing to field any useful ideas, he arrives at Mogg's idea of holding a royal wedding. Squidy, while hesitant, eventually warms to the idea pending a wife.

Mogg does a search of potential brides and settles for Princess Buttercup of Florin. Buttercup, still a princess due to the leftover traditions of Penguin Club's days of serfdom, awaits the return of her parents. However, it's noted by Mogg that records indicate that Squidy had her parents murdered. Despite this, Squidy agrees to the idea of marrying Buttercup and demands he leads a task force to bring Buttercup to him.

Days later, an unconscious Grub awakes on a Penguin Club beach. He sees the innocent castaway Gulliver, who points him in the direction of the city of Florin. Grub makes his way into a medieval-style town and stumbles into a bar run by Moe Syzlak.

Grub, deciding that he can start a new life in his new abodes, inquires into a duo of mercaries, who he later finds out to be Inigo Montoya and his partner in crime, Fezzik. While the duo are initially hesitant to trust the green pile of sentient goo, they eventually buy into his promises that he can pay them to kidnap the most expensive bounty in the city -- Princess Buttercup. Once promising them payment, they arrange to meet that night to carry the kidnapping out.

Minutes later, Mogg and fellow cabinet member Stephen Bear walk into the same bar in hopes of finding a head of the sub-cabinet position of Torture Director, who Mogg believes will be necessary in convincing Buttercup to agree to marriage. They stumble across a rhubarb-obsessed imp named Archie Bino, who agrees to join their effort in exchange for his favorite vegetable.

That night, Mogg and Bear decide to send Bino into the Castle of Florin to capture Buttercup himself and deliver her back to them. Bino agrees despite concerns of his personal safety, reasoning that he'll get an extra payment of rhubarb for his efforts.

By the time Bino reaches Buttercup's quarters, however, he finds that the premises had already been breached. He walks into the quarters of Buttercup in a confused manner, and is soon mugged by the earlier trio. He is bound and gagged as the trio takes Buttercup for themselves.

Victorious on board the dingy leading them away, Fezzik alerts Grub of a ship following them. Believing it to be an agent of the Squidy regime, Grub orders the ship to be docked alongside a cliff that could be climbed up to avoid a military capture.

Fezzik carries Grub and Buttercup up the cliff, with Inigo managing to climb up himself. The boat, they realize, has only one man aboard -- The Man in Black. Grub, terrified that the mysterious figure will spoil his plans and take the bounty for himself, orders Inigo stand at the edge of the cliff to kill the perceived robber. Grub, Fezzik, and Buttercup, meanwhile, move further down the trail.

As The Man in Black climbs further up the cliff, he answers Inigo's numerous warnings with sarcasm. Inigo realizes he has no choice but to fight the man, and each prepare for a duel. As their sword fight progresses, as does their conversation. It is one of respect, as both respect the skill of the other and take great shame in the situation they're in. Inigo describes his motivations to The Man in Black, explaining that while he does his mercenary job for money, his true goal is to find the six-fingered man who killed his father.

The Man in Black beats Inigo in combat, but appreciating his honesty and motivations, leaves his unconscious as opposed to killing him outright. He soon continues down the trail.

There, he finds a cowering Fezzik. Fezzik cautions The Man in Black against coming any further, but the warning is disregarded. Fezzik engages in a melee fight with The Man in Black, but is soon knocked unconscious. The Man in Black spares his life, just as he did for Inigo.

He walks further down the trail and finds Grub smiling manically as he holds a knife to the neck of Buttercup. Knowing he can't win a physical duel against The Man in Black, Grub insists on a duel of wits. The Man in Black agrees, and puts poison in one random chalice of wine. he dares Grub to choose the non-poison chalice or die. Grub, overthinking the choice, explains his thought process out loud. He distracts The Man in Black and switches the chalices at the last moment, then proceeds to drink his wine.

The Man in Black points out that Grub chose the wrong glass, to which Grub laughs and insists he didn't. By switching the glasses at the last moment, he reigns victorious. Grub laughs at how superior his intellect is before collapsing to the ground, dead.

The Man in Black soon takes Buttercup, who rants about how soulless the bounty hunting business truly is. The Man in Black remains mostly silent as he takes her further down the trail.

Back at Squidy's Palace, Mogg reports that Buttercup has gone missing. Squidy, outraged, demands that a reconnaissance mission be done to find her before the nationally anticipated wedding date.

Mogg, Bear, and Bino, trace the trail of Buttercup up the cliff, past all three bodies, and eventually to a small camp. The three move closer to the campsite only to find The Man in Black has seen them and has begun to take the Princess into the nearby woods. The three give chase and eventually corner The Man in Black, who is unmasked. Upon closer inspection, Mogg identifies him as Wesley Krysko, the son of former Penguin Club Presidential candidate Dave Krysko. Buttercup is similarly shocked, as she had fallen in love with Wesley before his family was forced to flee the group chat in 2017.

Realizing Wesley would be brutally tortured if arrested, Buttercup offered to go peacefully in exchange for Wesley's freedom. Mogg, afraid that Bino and Bear wouldn't be able to handle Wesley in combat regardless, accepted the deal.

Wesley, distraught at the sight of Buttercup being forced into marriage with Squidy, realized he had no other option but to return to Florin. While doing so, he realized that while the dead body of Grub was decomposing, the bodies of Fezzik and Inigo were nowhere to be found. Realizing they likely returned to Florin themselves, Wesley quickly returned with guidance from Hugo S. Catman.

Once entering Moe's, Wesley discovered an aimless Fezzik and Inigo wondering what their next move was. Wesley quickly approached them, and initially oblivious to his true identity, Inigo and Fezzik agreed to his offer to save Buttercup from Squidy's Palace.

Later that night, Wesley, Inigo, and Fezzik jump the palace gates. Inigo and Fezzik, too afraid to go into the Palace itself, assure Wesley that they'll keep watch. However, once inside the palace, Wesley is discovered by Bino and Bear and delivered to Mogg.

Immediately, Mogg jumps at the chance to use his newly installed torture device on the captured Krysko. He orders Bear and Bino to escort him to the hidden facility, and proceeds to mortally wound Wesley inside. Unbeknownst to them, however, they were covertly followed by Inigo and Fezzik.

After burying the body, Mogg, Bear, and Bino return to the palace. After their departure, Inigo and Fezzik take the body and detect a faint pulse. Inigo mentions that he knows a man named Miracle Max who could be able to use magic as a means of saving Wesley's life.

They immediately take the body to the door of Max, who initially declines the group's request to heal. Citing the fact that he hasn't used magic since the crackdown issued by Lord Squidy after the Groupy McGroupface War of Independence, Max believes he would be doing more harm than good for Wesley. However, he wishes Inigo well wishes on his attempt to avenge his father.

Valerie, Max's wife, refuses to accept this development. She demands Max work to save Wesley, and Max begrudgingly agrees. Max uses an old potion on Wesley, which works.

Max, surprised by his performance, decides to rest and read the newspaper. He casually mentions if Inigo could hand him the newspaper, on which the first headline announces that Squidy will be marrying Buttercup the next day. In a mad scramble, the trio leave Max's house to return to the palace.

Once they return, they find that the wedding festivities have begun. Diplomats from across the world (excluding Groupy McGroupface) arrive at Squidy's Palace in anticpation for the wedding. Inside, Squidy was headset on a villanous scheme -- have Buttercup poisoned at the wedding reception and blame her death on Groupy McGroupface. Despite doubts from advisors, specifically Mogg, the plan went into place. Mogg, unwittingly attached as lead to the scheme, recruited Bino and Bear to help the poisoning efforts.

Outside the gates, Wesley, Inigo, and Fezzik disguise themselves as Mexichat diplomats and receive entry into the gates. Once inside, they mingle with Penguin Chat guests, including Mogg, who is too oblivious to see past their disguises. Inigo, however, recognizes the fact that Mogg's glove fits one extra finger than normal.

Mogg visits Squidy one last time before the wedding, finding him to be a nervous wreck. He consoles his boss, and Squidy eventually comes down to be married.

A clergyman begins the wedding processions, Paul Nutall walks Buttercup down the aisle against her will. Once there, Mogg makes a dramatic toast to his ~~true love~~ boss before his marriage. The audience applauds and Squidy and Buttercup are pronounced man and woman, albeit without a kiss.

From there, the reception begins. Squidy welcomes the guests into his dining hall, but as he speaks, Wesley heckles him for his appearance. As this happens, Mogg is distracted by Inigo and Fezzik and unable to escort Wesley out. In response to the commotion, Squidy temporarily halts the reception dinner and goes to his private quarters with Buttercup. As the crowd trickles out, Mogg calls for Bino and Bear to help him against the trio of Wesley, Inigo, and Fezzik.

Mogg attempts to run, but is followed by Inigo inside. The doors shut behind them as they stand together in the dining room. Inigo, once again looking at Mogg's six-fingered hand, pulls his sword on the man he believed to be his killer. After uttering the line, "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die," Inigo plunged a sword into the chest of Mogg. As the blood poured down his suit, Mogg straightens his own tie one last time and collapses onto the floor.

Meanwhile, outside, Bear and Bino distract Wesley and Fezzik to successfully run towards Squidy's Quarters. On their way up, they see Mogg's dead body.

Once informed of Mogg's death, Squidy falls into an angry tirade, only to shockingly order the return of all guests. Hundreds of diplomats then pile into the dining room, muttering about the bloody body on the floor.

Squidy quickly returns and announces there are murderers in the room, and if they are caught, he will reward them with a hefty sum of Squidy Bucks. After announcing the killers are Inigo, Wesley, and Fezzik, the crowd goes into a frenzy as the trio dashes outside. Wesley is determined to escape with Buttercup, however, and runs towards Squidy's Quarters. Inigo and Fezzik attempt to follow, but are caught up in the unsuspecting crowd.

Once inside Squidy's Quarters, Wesley finds Squidy with a knife to Buttercup's throat. Wesley challenges Squidy to a duel, and realizing Wesley was, in fact, not bluffing, decides it would be best to simply jump out a window and into a hay bale. Inigo and Fezzik quicklyly arrive to find Squidy absent. They originally believe he's dead, only to find him alive and struggling on the ground below.

Buttercup suggests they each escape using Mogg's old horses, held in the nearby stable. They each agree, and begin to jump down to run towards the stables amidst the chaotic ransacking of the Palace. Inigo, however, is hesitant to leave, citing that his dedication to the business of revenge is now completed. Wesley, however, assures him that new, less hate-filled opportunities in Groupy McGroupface.

However, despite their apparent dedication to newfound peace, the group punts Squidy's body across the palace grounds, critically injuring him.

They gallop towards the Groupy McGroupface border, eventually meeting a border official who instructs them to wait in a holding room to claim asylum. Once inside, they meet that their publicly provided attorney is Saul Goodman. After Saul gives them instructions on keeping asylum, he leaves for an upcoming court date. On the way out, a beleaguered group hears Hugo S. Catman say, "Well, he was nice.

In a post-credits scene, Bear and Bino attempt to care for the injured Lord Squidy. They then uncharacteristically lecture him about how he shouldn't have gone after love that wasn't true. Squidy, distraught, begins to cry over the loss of Mogg. However, he soon snaps out of it and goes back to tweeting.

## Cast

**Altamont/Red:**

- Wesley Krysko/The Man in Black

- Archie Bino

- Apollo Justice

- Judge Richter

- Moe Szyslak

- Valerie

- The Impressive Clergyman

- Kim Jong-un

- Herbert P. Bear

- Hugo S. Catman

**Buttons:**

- Inigo Montoya

- Fezzik

- Lord Squidy

- Stephen Bear

- Donald Trump

- Paul Nutall

- Bill Conway

**GrandPaGames:**

- Princess Buttercup

- Jacob Rees-Mogg

- Grub

- Miracle Max

- Saul Goodman

- Brenda The Satanic Secretary

- Gulliver

- Unnamed Police Officer

- Stohk Ihmage

## Deleted Scene

A deleted scene would've had Jacob Rees-Mogg participating in a debate in the UKGC University Debate Association to defend the governmental switch within Penguin Club from a dictatorship to a monarchical-dictatorship.

In said scene, the debate would've followed a similar format to the Oxford Union, with teams of three debating the topic at hand. Mogg would've been paired with two, highly intoxicated students, one of which would be limited in terms of dialogue to the lyrics of George Harrison's Crackerbox Palace.

After being expertly taken down by three highly prepared prep students, Mogg would return to a ballistic Squidy, embarrassed to have his government treated like it was a banana republic.

The scene was cut due to time constraints.