Football Follies

**Football Follies** is episode 27b of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on September 18, 1999.

## Synopsis

Eric and Constantinos try out for football so Carver won't bully them anymore, but everything quickly goes wrong when Edward enlists himself as their coach!

## Cast (WIP)

* Josh Peck as Eric
* Gary Sauls as Constantinos and Peter
* Veronica Taylor as Carver
* Andrew Rannells as Edward
* Wayne Grayson as Joey and Gilbert
* Edward Felker as Stanley, Luke, Igor and Abdul
* Mike Pollock as Principal Walker and Coach Monumental
* Jason Griffith as Travis
* Dan Green as Dallas, Steven and Bo
* Eric Stuart as Buford
* Dan Castellaneta as Mr. Crawford
* Mary Kay Bergman as Kimberly

Aaron also appears, but has no dialogue. Dr. Feelwell also makes a silent appearance in a flashback.

## Trivia

* While most of the deaths in the series are only meant to be jokes, Bo never appeared in another episode.
* This episode is available on the Runaway Eric and The Search for the Six DVDs, and The Complete Second Season box set.
* The gag where Travis pulls the football away from Constantinos is an obvious reference to the popular franchise, *Peanuts*.
* Kimberly mistaking Edward for a kid named "Ash" is a reference to Ash Ketchum from *Pokémon*, which was considered one of E&E's "rivaling shows" due to the high amount of success it had on Kids' WB, and also because new episodes of Edward and Eric episodes always premiered half an hour before *Pokémon* on Kids' WB.
	+ The next person Kimberly guesses is Bruce Wayne, which is the true identity of Batman.
* An Aesop: You shouldn't pressure yourself into doing something you're clearly not prepared for.

## Transcript

(The episode opens with a shot of the school's exterior)

(In the halls, Carver grabs a smiling Eric, followed by a terrified Constantinos, and he starts giving them slow, agonizing wedgies)

**Carver:** One, chacka-lacka! (gives them another wedgie) Two, chacka-lacka! (and another one) Three, chacka-lacka!

(The camera fades to later that day. Eric and Constantinos are crying in pain)

**Carver:** (out of breath) Nine-thousand nine-hundred ninety-eight... (catches his breath) chacka-lacka... (gasps heavily for air) nine-thousand nine-hundred ninety-nine... (prepares to pull harder) TEN THOUSAND!!!! (gives them the most painful wedgie, and the duo screams bloody murder)

(Carver wipes sweat off his forehead with a towel and chugs down a sports drink. He sets Eric and Constantinos' stretched pants on coat racks, leaving them to hang and dangle)

**Carver:** Whew! All that nerd pummeling has got me tired! Better save my energy for football tryouts tomorrow. (walks away)

(Constantinos is sobbing in agony)

**Eric:** Constantinos, I can't feel my legs!

**Constantinos:** Legs?! It feels like I just experienced internal bleeding!!! (sheds a tear) Oh, Eric!

(Eric grunts, but then he accidentally farts)

**Eric's Buttcheeks:** Yes, Constantinos?

**Constantinos:** (wipes off his snot) ***I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE THIS!!!!*** And besides, I don't know about you, but I'm running out of unstretched uniforms.

**Eric:** (notices something) Constantinos, look! (the camera pans out to reveal flyers hung up on the other wall) We might be able to save our own skin!

(He starts reading them)

**Eric:** "Please Join the Lake..." (pan over to the other flyer) "...side Leopards." That's it, Constantinos! I know what we can do! We'll hang flyers! Nobody beats up the flyer-hanging guys.

(We see Aaron hanging up a flyer for the Homework Help Club, but then Travis stomps into the scene and kicks him through a wall)

**Constantinos:** No, no, that's not gonna work. If there's one thing people hate more than annoying theater kids, it's the kids who hang up flyers.

(He starts thinking of a plan)

**Constantinos:** What if we were football players? That way, we'd never get beaten up again.

**Eric:** Nah.

(Beat)

**Eric:** OOH! OOHOOHOOH!!!! OR BETTER YET! We could be football players! That way, we'd never get beaten up again! I wonder why you never thought of that.

**Constantinos:** But I- Nevermind.

**Eric:** (pointing to the flyers) And we could do that by joining the Lake...

(Ten-second silence)

**Eric:** ...side Leopards!

(They high-five each other, only to scream loudly in pain)

**Both:** (they clutch their bruised hands) Ssssssssssss...

(The camera transitions to the football field)

**Travis:** (cracks his knuckles) Prepare for pain, crapfaces!

**Constantinos:** (shivering and whispering to Eric) I thought the point was *not* to get beaten to death.

**Eric:** My plan only takes in effect after we make the team.

**Constantinos:** (deadpan) Great.

(Suddenly, the football lands in Eric's open hands, and Constantinos' pupils shrink in fear)

**Eric:** (gasps) Constantinos, look! I got the ball! Let's show 'em who's boss!

(Beat)

**Eric:** (clueless) Now what?

(Beat)

**Eric:** Hey, you're the smarter one! What do we do now?

**Constantinos:** (nonchalantly) Sorry, I can't move my legs right now. I'm too terrified.

**Gilbert:** (offscreen) There's the ball! Get him!

(Eric and Constantinos scream. Constantinos manages to leap out of harm's way the moment all of the Jocks tackle Eric and begin beating him to a pulp. During the commotion, the football flies off and lands in Constantinos' hands)

**Steven:** Hey, where'd the ball go?!

(They stop beating up Eric)

**Steven:** Oh, right, the other twerp's got it! MASSACRE HIM!!!

(Constantinos' eyes widen and turn bloodshot. The Jocks sprint towards him)

**Constantinos:** ***AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!*** I don't want the ball! (gasps deeply for air) TAKE IT!!! (tosses it)

(Steven laughs mercilessly, but then everybody at the field notices that Constantinos threw the football *really* high. It goes past the clouds and slams full-speed into the sun, shattering it into a crescent)

**Coach Monumental:** (blows his whistle) ***YOU!!!!!!!***

**Constantinos:** (gets on his knees as Coach Monumental's shadow overtowers him) I'm sorry! I didn't know what to do! I just got here, a-and I'm allergic to sports and exercise, a-a-a-and then-

**Coach Monumental:** ***DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA ON WHAT YOU JUST DID?!?!?!?!?***

**Constantinos:** (screams) ***I'M SORRY!!!!!!!***

**Coach Monumental:** ***"SORRY"?!?!?!?!?!?*** You better be sorry, (grabs him by the arm and holds him in the air) for not tellin' me about that STUPENDOUS arm of yours! I haven't seen aiming like that since the spring of '76!

**Constantinos:** (a bone crunching sound plays) I don't wanna hear about the spring of '76, just please let me go!

(He does so)

**Coach Monumental:** A strong boy like you will take us to the Junior Pewee Leagues! Son, I want you to be OUR NEW QUARTERBACK!

(The camera transitions to Eric and Constantinos talking to the rest of The Lucky 6)

**Dallas:** So how did you guys even join the football team? You're gonna get shredded to pieces.

**Constantinos:** Coach Monumental asked us if we have a pulse, and then we were in.

(Beat)

**Dallas:** Ok, in that case, I'll ask a better question. *Why* did you guys even join the football team?

**Eric:** Because we're tired of ending up like band kids.

**Dallas:** Huh?

**Eric:** Getting beaten up and shoved into lockers all the time.

**Dallas:** Oh, right.

**Stanley:** Well, if you guys wanted to defend yourselves from Carver, how come you guys didn't come to either of us for self-defense lessons? I take up prize-fighting boxing in my free time, and Dallas knows all 170 martial arts.

**Dallas:** Yup.

**Eric:** I dunno. I guess so we could roll with the script.

**Joey:** Hey Eric, don't let Muscles or Webbed Toes here put you down. Violence and the spectacles of you two getting beaten to a pulp being wrapped up in a sporting event for the entire city to watch are too good to turn down.

(Dallas punches his arm)

**Stanley:** Thanks, Dallas.

**Dallas:** Always my pleasure.

**Stanley:** But yeah. Coach Monumental's idea of training is injecting 'roids in everybody and letting his best players laze around in his SUV that has heated seats.

**Eric:** Wait, that sounds amazing!

**Edward:** Eric, you just said you signed up so Carver wouldn't beat you up anymore.

**Eric:** I did?

**Edward:** Yes, and you're not exactly gonna get results from watching TV and eating chips inside Coach Monumental's SUV.

**Eric:** (sighs) You're right. (to Constantinos) I guess we're gonna have to train ourselves, huh?

**Edward:** Yeah, and before you get any ideas, I don't have time to be your personal trainer.

(Edward starts walking away, until Kimberly passes by him)

**Kimberly:** (to herself) I hope I don't have a pimple! Gordon will dump me if I do!

(Edward's eyes widen at the sight of her)

**Edward:** (trying to get her attention by going in front of her) Kimberly! Kimberly! Hey! Kimberly! Hey, Kimberly! Kimberly! Kimberly! Kimberly! KimberlyKimberlyKimberlyKimberlyKimberlyKimberlyKimberly!

**Kimberly:** (finally acknowledges his existence) Do I know you?

**Edward:** Yes, the one who leaves chocolates in your locker three times a week.

(Kimberly still doesn't recognize him)

**Edward:** Ok, let me give you a warm up. (clears his throat)

(Avenue A Apartment abruptly drops down from the ceiling, crushing him)

**Edward:** (starts singing the Edward and Eric theme song as he opens the door) Who lives with his brother in Lakeside City?

**Kimberly:** (scratches her head in confusion) Is your name Ash or something?

(Edward facepalms)

**Edward:** (continues singing) Intelligent, inventive and creative is he!

**Kimberly:** (ponders) Bruce Wayne...?

**Edward:** (still singing as he leaps high into the air) If amusing antics is something you want...

(Kimberly walks away)

**Eric:** (singing) Edward Pearson!

**Edward:** (deadpan) Well, at least *someone* gets it.

(He drops to the ground and gets back up)

**Edward:** (in his mind) Hmmm...if I get Eric muscular and powerful, then that means my irreplaceable crush, Kimberly, will finally recognize me and praise me for my impeccable teaching skills. I can already see it now.

**Eric:** (intruding his mind) See what, Edward?

(Edward puts his arm around Eric's shoulders)

**Edward:** I take back what I said, Eric. Allow me to be your personal trainer so you can be the best football player Coach Monumental has ever laid his eyes on!

**Dallas:** Judging from your inner monologue from earlier, you're only doing this to impress Kimberly, right?

**Edward:** WILL YOU TWO GET OUT OF MY HEAD?!

**Eric:** Sorry.

**Dallas:** Look, Edward, you *better* know what you're doing.