Mickey And The Three Muskateers The Beta Copy

Hi. Damn, this is a good sandwich, oh sorry I was not supposed to say that. Now, this story is not about me no it's about this film perhaps you've heard of it, it starts with an m and ends with a s and no I'm not talking about cream and mushroom soup, oh good lord don't make me talk about chicken mushroom soup. I ate that can of that stuff right before the biggest exam of my life, and well let's just say something brown made a frown. Sorry, I'm so sorry that was rather callous of me to say such a thing when you too could be in the middle of eating your lunch, but in any case I'm referring to the delightful direct to DVD Disney movie Mickey And The Three Musketeers. Released in 2004 to mostly mixed reviews, its gained a cult following although I myself really like the movie I do hate what they did to dear ole Donald Duck making him into a coward who is treated like a rat by Daisy. I do indeed love Donald or at least I used to until one time at Disney Land the man playing Donald yelled at me and called my custom made Mickey Mouse sneakers terrible, but he only did this because a wasp had flown into his ass. Also, some of the songs in the movie are really bad like the love ballad of Mickey and Minnie which is so smelly it made a red gaping hole appear in my stomach, I'm worried but there's no time for that now as we need to talk about the film's narrator The Troubadour who also plays all of the songs in the movie, is responsible for helping Don Duck get over his cowardice, and also appears to be a friend of Albert Einstein judging by the wigs. My landlord claims to be Einstein, but he looks more like a mutant bulldog than that mighty German prof and also my landlord is obsessed with a double decker bus looking biscuit tin which he often eats while in the bed which makes me very angry, but I don't protest it because I'm a pushover. However, my landlord ended up doing me a great service as he provided me with the reason that I'm telling you all of this.

You see; very early in the film's production, Mickey And The Three Musketeers was going to be a very different film. My landlord had told me this when we were watching the movie the other day with a bowl of shrimp cocktails. Bad shrimp cocktails too. I asked how my landlord knew that the film was going to be different, and he told me there was a man selling hot pockets down the street who could help me. Arriving on a smelly damp alleyway which formally belonged to Eddie Karnov, I was approached by the dealer who handed me a hot pocket wrapped in premium cheese as he said, "at first it's free, but then you find me when you need more." "Actually, I'm not here for the hot pocket." I admitted rather sheepishly as the man then removed his sunglasses and his eyes looked nasty and blood shot. I laughed heavily which made the man cry and bang his wall on the several times as he is a big fan of Pink Floyd after all. Like some kind of Clank, I got proper serious as I then said, "tell me what you know about Mickey And The Three Musketeers and how the film changed during it's production." "Sure!" The dealer proclaimed a little too happily for my tastes. I gagged and vomited in my mouth but just a bit though don't worry. After providing me with the deets, the man then became proper awkward as he made a big stink about how it was rather chilly and he needed to head on back into his apartment for a cup tea as he awaited a call from his nephew Salvatore Monty who the dealer thought was in the military but in reality he was in the navy. Hey sailor, ahoy! The man was still talking as he headed back inside his apartment leaving me alone with my thoughts. I am now going to brief you on the all things that the man told me. According to the man whose name I shall not reveal because well why would I you're not the boss of me son or daughter, well anyway the man worked as an uncredited script doctor for Mickey And The Three Musketeers but he quit when production crew began accusing him of stealing Greggs sausage rolls from the buffet table.

Mickey And The Three Musketeers was completely different in the first draft of the script. Our lovely narrator The Troubadour a turtle with a penchant for music of the classical variety was originally intended to be the hidden secondary antagonist of the movie. The film originally featured The Troubadour telling the story from his prison cell on Mont-Saint-Michel where he receives a new cellmate in the form of Shiv Helix who makes a big stink about how he used to always dream of getting arrested by the Three Musketeers. The Troubadour then would have offered to tell Shiv his story, but Shiv was very annoying and would interrupt the movie at various points and like some kind of Jonathan Maguire he would make a big fuss about how certain things don't make a whole lot of sense. In this version of the film's story, The Troubadour worked for Princess Minnie as her royal escort, and he felt ill used and badly treated by Minnie and so decides to become a mole for Captain Pete. Minnie indeed was very mean to The Troubadour by making him eat a Terry's Chocolate Orange that she found underneath her sitting room and it must have tasted real bad because The Troubadour pulled quite the face as he attempted to chew it all down. Princess Minnie went on to further humiliate The Troubadour by having him work during the hot summer days outside the castle as a sign twirler telling people where to wait if they wish to see the princess. The Troubadour was never a good fighter being more a turtle of song than a turtle of brawn and so became an easy target for the local cynical farmers and their wives who would drop kick The Troubadour. Also, during the aforementioned smelly romantic ballad between Mickey and Minnie, The Troubadour who was very tired was forced to drive the pair around the castle grounds on his cart which then got stuck in the mud, and he tried to get it out of the mud but he did a terrible job at it which caused Mickey to look at Minnie and say, "gee Minnie you weren't kidding this kid's a real Benedict Cumberbatch." How the fuck does Mickey know who Benedict Cumberbatch is!? I once had a dream about ole Bennie, I dreamt I was making a stew and I went to slice a cucumber only to find that it now had his face on it. I have been terrified of cucumbers ever since.

Now this was long before Disney got their claws into the twist villain trend that has plagued so many of their recent movies, and as such in this beta version of the movie The Troubadour would have been established to the audience as a villain right from the start, well I mean that's kind of self explanatory I mean the film opens with him in a jail cell how did you think he got there? Picking flowers for Marty? Fuck Marty. Oh my, I shouldn't swear it's a beautiful day and there's no reason to curse. While we as the audience would know what The Troubadour was planning right from the start, Mickey and co would not learn about the deception until the final act in which Mickey originally dressed up in drag and sang an opera song about how he is unsure whether he is a man or a mouse, and Captain Pete actually would have gotten a Disney villain where a large stone pillar would have fallen on top of him. He would have looked at the pillar as it fell on top of him and said, "I really need a screw." Can you wait until the movie's over Captain Pete? Oh silly me, he was actually referring to his peg leg as he needed a screw to keep the peg in place, and believe it or not it takes quite a lot of money to keep that peg leg of his up and running. Since The Troubadour was the secondary antagonist in the original version of the movie, the Beagle Boys did not appear at all in the first draft, and in the final film most of The Troubadour's original villain scenes were given to them. Originally, The Troubadour was the one that tried to kill Minnie by dropping a safe on her head during her smelly I want more than this provincial life song.

The film also ended originally with Mickey, Donald, and Goofy rescuing The Troubadour from a lifetime of community service. In the original ending, The Troubadour would have been in a local park picking up trash with Shiv when the trio appear to ask if its all good in the hood or something. With the Three Musketeers distracted, Shiv seized the opportunity to steal a local man's horse and the man looked proper sad as he was thrown into a big pile of singing vegetables including an aubergine with connections to the Albanians, the man would have looked at the screen as he sang, "no crust of bread for those in need!" As Shiv rode towards the sunset very slowly I might add like two frames a second kind of stuff, Mickey and co would have began to give chase but not before Mickey turned to face The Troubadour as he asked, "you coming Trouble?" "Absolutely!" The Troubadour proclaimed happily as he followed the trio for their next adventure signalling the beginning of his redemption. Interestingly, while in the final movie, Mickey Mouse is obviously the main character in the first script draft he was kind of something of an advertised extra. The original opening lacked the part where Mickey is given a hat by one of the musketeers which probably had a massive turd on it I mean why else would he give to that turd of a mouse otherwise known as Mickey Mouse? Matter of fact, Mickey didn't really have much if anything to do in the first draft of the film, there was more depth given to his fellow musketeers Goofy and Donald. Remember earlier when I said I had a problem about them making Donald into a coward for the movie, well originally Donald was not a coward rather he was incredibly reckless which made him a serious threat to Mickey and Goofy. Minnie also felt that Donald was dangerous and thought that he was trying to kill her best friend Patrick McGee a Scottish senator who had wormed his way into the first script draft as Disney was very pro Scotland back then and hoped it spark up a mini company called Scot's Land which would have featured more Scottish themed stories including a film based on Duff Killigan where we learned how he became so obsessed with a golf where he plays a match against Shrek, but not a very tasteful version of Shrek. This Shrek looked bloody horrific, eyes bulging like Luca Brasi, and a mouth so wide you could shit in it. Sorry that cream of mushroom soup is still lingering in my ass.

Back to the movie, Donald accidentally would have walked in front of McGee and triggered a wire which caused a massive pile of pus to fall on top of McGee, however the pus well actually it was Nickelodeon slime hashtag not sponse, I think that's how my nephew says it. Anyways, Minnie thought that Donald was trying to off her and her precious McGee who by the way never appears in the film again after this scene, and she banished him from the land. The scene then played like normal for a bit according to the dealer with Donald getting ready to flee like a bee in a rowing boat built for two. However before boarding the boat, Donald had a song entitled Everybody Forgets Me during which he sings about how he is super jealous that Mickey and Goofy are getting all the babes while he is left behind in the dust. After concluding the song, Donald noticed a small carving on the side of the boat which read, "Do It For Mick," and this is what would have inspired him to come back for the finale where Minnie immediately forgets about the whole thing with Senator McGee, and instead realises that ducks are people too and allows for Donald and Daisy to party all the time. Yes for some reason, Minnie was very prejudice towards ducks in this early version of the movie, as according to the dealer the writers wanted to prove a point about how sometimes even the good characters are capable of doing horrible things. More cartoons should teach such a meaty message. Also, Daisy is still really annoying in this draft and has a sub plot where Minnie gives her cuckoo clock but Daisy hates cuckoo clocks and is further angered when Minnie forces her to place it on top of the kitchen cabinet at her cottage in Midwestern America. The cuckoo clock was a Disney's Hercules themed one, and every time the clock chimed 12 ole Herc would come out from the top of the clock and he pulled an incredibly stupid face as you could sell Danny DeVito impersonator 102 yell in the background, "that's Phill's boy!" Hey, I know him he's from Singapore! Actually, funnily enough, Captain Pete had a few nameless mooks in the first draft that accompanied him when a scene got hard ha, and no it wasn't the Beagle Boys it was just a bunch of Singaporean residents including one who kept making a big thing about how Captain Pete was currently the highest bidder. Dude, whatever. My wife has a rash on her nose. I should not have said that, but anyways let's talk about ole Goof Troop himself; Goofy. Oh, and by the way Pluto originally ate a chocolate bar which nearly killed the poor pooch but it didn't concern Mickey as he had just gotten a brand new Xbox as Disney was also very keen on gaining an audience with the video gaming community, and planned for Mickey to play Halo 3 in one scene, even though Halo 3 came out in 2007 but Disney kept an active file if you know what I mean.

Goofy was intended to have a tender moment in which he shares a heart to heart chat with Ozzie Jones; the incredibly dumb but well meaning guard at Princess Minnie's castle. Ozzie and Goofy would have discussed the justice system or something, I don't even know but alas it was a very tender moment. Tenderer than the tenderest of tender pork rinds. Ozzie also explained to Goofy how he planned to one day open a brain warehouse with his brother Desmond Crow, and yes the brain warehouse still smiles sinisterly at you as you pick at the brains and there's also SICK videos playing on the shop's TV screens of a realistic mouth getting dental surgery by a doctor who is high on toast, but the question is can he still make a straight insertion? I doubt it. At one point in the movie near the climax to end all climaxes just ask my wife, Mickey and Goofy would have snuck into Captain Pete's penthouse suite where they would have found a big bag of money which they then gave to Ozzie as they learned from Clarabelle Cow that Ozzie was the rightful owner of the money, and Pete had stolen it from him years ago back when he was still known as Big Pete and he owned a Christmas tree lot down in Croydon. Big Pete had successfully tricked Ozzie and two friends one really annoying boy who sounds like Gretchen from the other being Discount Kevin Bacon cosplaying as Disney's Aladdin into buying one of his ten footers. Ozzie and his friends were just painters, and they didn't have the funds to afford such a tree, well at least that's what the two friends thought as Ozzie happened to be independently wealthy as his family owed shares in the Starburst company. I think they even own a piece, but I couldn't think out how much. Ozzie took a huge amount of the company's money out from a nearby ATM machine and used it to pay Big Pete who grinned sinisterly as he never actually expected to be able to sell one of his beloved ten footers. In the present day, after being handed his money by Goofy, Ozzie was shocked when Goofy in a rather out of character moment said, "now you get yourself a brain operation that'll make you smart." Damn, Goofy, Also like in the final movie where Donald was painfully aware of his cowardice getting him into trouble, Goofy was wary of how his absent mindedness was affecting the mission and tried to get smarter by sticking cork screws into his head in a rather brutal scene. Far too brutal for my tastes anyway.

Mickey Mouse, oh man Disney's golden boy I've never liked him. He really angers me matter of fact he enrages my friend in the courts Steven who always sneers angrily whenever Mickey would appear on his telly. He likes a bit of culture on BBC4! I'd told you a bit of a fib earlier, Mickey actually had a bit of a character arc in the movie but not much of one. The first draft of the script omitted the scene where Mickey gets his hat from a musketeer which is what sparks his interest in becoming one himself. In the first script draft, Mickey was very unhappy with his low paying job as a street sweeper. On Captain Pete's orders, Mickey, Donald, and Goofy had to sweep the streets from 10 in the morning to 12 o'clock at night. Unbelievable! No mouse can handle that! Mickey eventually has a big accident when he accidentally gets spooked by a big ole bee and the bee would have chased Mickey around the street until he accidentally throws his rotten rot filled bucket all over a beautiful painting of Captain Pete eating a breakfast fit enough for a king or something. Now, Donald and Goofy are both real ones so they promised to keep Mickey's mistake a secret by lying to Captain Pete that the painting was destroyed by someone with a beak for a nose and a hook for a book. Unfortunately, the trio had another co-worker in this draft named Grimace no relation to the McDonalds character of the same name and he was so Australian that it hurts, and he wore his baseball cap backwards like he was still living in the 1990's and he would have ratted the trio out to Captain Pete. Donald then lashes out and tries to kill Grimace, but Mickey and Goofy hold him back as they know that Grimace has powerful friends and receives a license from Maranzano himself. Maranzano was the greater scope villain for the first script often mentioned in the background as the man providing additional funding for Captain Pete and The Troubadour's evil plans. Now jobless, Mickey and co were rendered homeless and they wondered the streets for three days until much like in the final film Captain Pete approaches them with the opportunity to become the new guards for Princess Minnie. Also, Mickey's date with Minnie lasted a little bit longer in the first draft with him taking her to the top of the Eiffel Tower and no that is not an innuendo you sick son of a gun. While on top of the tower, Mickey throws a gold coin down the side which cuts a man in half. He was a mime and he looked terrified. Disney removed this part from the film because they were very angry on the Eiffel Tower appearing when the movie is supposed to take... I don't even know when but during a time when the Eiffel Tower did not exist. The filmmakers also confirmed that very early on Mickey was supposed to learn a lesson about materialism.

Donald's love for hot chocolate that is established in Mickey's Twice Upon A Christmas which is essential viewing for anyone worthy of their place in the Mickey Mouse Family, was originally going to first appear in this movie with Donald getting a massive love for hot chocolate. Matter of fact, one of the reasons behind Donald trying to kill Grimace was because that fat Aussie bastard had stolen Donald's mug of hot chocolate right after he purchased it from the local street vendor. After getting his hot chocolate stolen from him, Donald tries to charge at Grimace, but Mickey and Goofy were able to calm Donald down by putting headphones on his beaky head which played the beautiful tunes of Cliff Richard who was known as the only man that Donald treated with constant respect. Princess Minnie was also more of an antagonist in this version of the movie or in the very least an anti-hero as she treated The Troubadour like dirt, employed very dumb security guards because she didn't want to waste money on hiring useful muscle as she wanted to use the money to buy stocks in the local fast food restaurant as she was addicted to fast food. I never expected this from you Minnie! Eventually, Minnie would have been taught a lesson after her greedy ways nearly cost her the castle after she foolishly becomes involved in a time share scam. Disney was very much against this darker tone and they wanted something light so that the film could appeal to a much wider audience. Captain Pete also was more intelligent as he was able to easily convince The Troubadour into joining his side by revealing that he was surprised that someone would take that kind of hurt from Minnie without taking a stand. Allegedly, Launchpad McQuack was meant to make a cameo where he would have crashed a plane into the opera.

The last big change worth mentioning is what Captain Pete originally planned for his evil plan. Just like in the final movie, Captain Pete wanted Princess Minnie taken care of so that he could take her place as King of all the land. Once in charge of the kingdom, Captain Pete's first order of business was to turn the entire city into a concrete parking lot and then he would set about building a massive theme park a not so subtle jab at Disney's various theme parks and the theme park would span across the entire city, and there would even be a shameless not so flattering depiction of Michael Eisner who would appear by the front gate handing out Mickey Mouse themed hats to the locals and patting them on the head which makes them remain impassive like some kind of Tom Hagen. Since Captain Pete hates younger people and the whole youth culture thing in general he made a rule that only people above the age of 62 were allowed in the park, and really weird old people too including an old man who sits next to you on the rollerpete and he complains about how the peanuts served at the park are outrageous as you can't even get into the bag. Who are they trying to keep out of them? Captain Pete also intentionally causes people to die of dehydration by giving them a hotdog doused in salt and then no fresh water. The only water served at the park was something that could best be described as having come out from Shrek's swamp as it was green and slimy. Also, there were a bunch of really annoying moles with incredibly long fingernails that were forced to work the machines from underground, and the film originally ended with Mickey, Donald, and Goofy liberating the moles who gave them a lift to the concert hall where the big opera showdown was about to take place. Michael Eisner was very much against the idea of mocking his beautiful company and he also hated the fact that the film also did a jab at Brother Bear by having a scene where Pete brutally executes the bear so that he can make bear soup as it happens to be his favourite meal, and I know that's what we all wanted to know.

I'll admit as much as I do like Mickey And The Three Musketeers, I do kind of sort of wish that this was the film that we ended up getting. The Troubadour could have been a more richer character with more layers to his personality. Maybe a darker side a Pete side that he struggled with. I'm probably breaking some sort of Disney rule by telling you all of this. Well you'd be wrong as I've recently gotten immunity to discuss Disney products by the head mouse himself. After being given the information you've seen here, I headed back to my apartment and sat down on my sofa only for Mickey and Minnie to come barging into my room, and to make matters the pair were walking in slow motion and Mickey asked, "hey there how's it going?" Mickey was very angry with me over the fact that I would dare question one of his movies as every Disney movie is perfect in his eyes, but I was feeling very brave that day and I offered Mickey an ultimatum. I would not release the details of what I found if Mickey was able to beat me in a skateboard tournament. I know nothing about skateboarding, but luckily for me Mickey bloody sucked at it too as he kept crashing his skateboard on the ramps and at one point during the tournament he rode his skateboard into traffic where he was ran over by a car, and Mickey flew into the sky as he cried, "oh!" When Mickey finally came crashing down in a pool of fire, he looked at me as he said, "oh alright, but just take this a present." Mickey proceeded to hand me an SNES game as he proceeded to get into his twinkie mobile and drove off into the sunset. Where was Minnie? She got lost. SHE GOT LOST? Sorry about that, the game was well weird it was about Smokey Bear saving his forest from poachers by shooting at them with a bazooka, even though realistically the bazooka would do more damage to the forest than the poachers would. At the end of the game, this really annoying woman yapped on and on about forest fires in SNES quality, until the very end where she revealed she had a large zipper on her forehead. She unzipped her forehead, and Smokey Bear emerged from the costume and pointed at the screen and said in a very threatening tone of voice, "if you knew it was me, would you have listened!" Smokey then continued with, "don't tell anyone about what you heard Ray as the consequences could be dire." I laughed because I thought that Smokey had said dirrahea. Smokey did not look like I was expecting him to he had big glassy eyes and his hat was 1% bigger than normal. You maybe he's compensating for something?

I knew what Mickey was planning by giving me that SNES game. He thought that like some kind of Sal Marcano the words of Smokey The Bear would really get to me and cause to me to not release a statement regarding the early version of Mickey And The Three Musketeers, but I'm a real tough cookie with a long history so you better believe I'm getting my story told. However, as I finish telling you this a foul odour has entered my nose holes. It smells like a packet of smoky bacon crisps. I'm no expert, but I think that someone is coming to get me. Just remember, that only you can prevent forest fires. Man, I really need a sandwich. Perhaps a ham sandwich, or maybe even a smoked haddock! CRAP! I did not mean to say all that, oh good lord. Well reader it's great to see you, but I got to go. I got myself some explaining to do!