318: Don't Eat The Butt Mustard!

## Summary

As a storm brews on the horizon, the party pull over at a remote inn by a crossroads, the *Quiet Crossings*. While Rosco and Batthwack get high on the roof of the Rutabago, Raphina and Will investigate inside and utterly fail to order tuna sandwiches. Will's not keen, but it seems that all the advice is suggesting they should stay the night and shelter from the oncoming weather.

## Synopsis

Raphina quizzes Will about teaching Sheemie to read, but Will just wants to be left alone. Rosco suggests he go in the back of the Rutabago where there's a small bedroom, and he does so, erecting his tent by begrudgingly speaking the command work *"Pompi-ON."*

By late afternoon the weather has gotten darker and more gloomy. A storm is brewing. They spy a small inn in the distance and rolling up alongside it they can see the sign over the door reads *"The Quiet Crossings"*. It's situated at a crossroads where a sign points towards "Beartoggle" (southwest, the direction they came from), "Trent" (northwest) and "Shuncer" (southeast). The road straight ahead, northeast, isn't labelled. Gully's End is also conspicuously missing from the signpost, but Rosco knows that Gully's End would be in a roughly south-easterly direction from here.

Raphina and Rosco get out to stretch their legs. Rosco climbs up on the roof to check in on Batthwack, and finds him and Captain Clockface relaxing. After introducing Rosco to Clockface, Batthwack gives him a little of his Desert Mother weed. Will emerges and accompanies Raphina to the inn, where she's really hoping to find a tuna sandwich. The boys on the roof request sandwiches too.

They approaching the inn when an odd-sounding whinny is heard coming from somewhere behind the building. The front sticks a little as it opens into a small, slightly run-down common room. The atmosphere is joyless. Apart from the bartender, there's a male elf dressed in furs sitting alone with a beer, and at another table a young human woman sits with two young girls, eating from bowls. Raphina greets the woman behind the bar. It's explained that there's unfortunately no tuna sandwiches on offer, but there is stew and bread to eat, and a large room is available for boarding.

The lone elf warns them against travelling in the storm. Will's desperate to get out of this *"horrible"* place, despite the discount on food when you rent a room, which is nowhere near incentive enough. While Raphina takes the stew outside, Will chats sarcastically to the bartender about buying the place. She doesn't really take him seriously. Will can't understand why everyone's so dour, but the bartender points out that the place is called *Quiet Crossings* after all; there isn't usually much in the way of excitement out here.

Meanwhile, Rosco and Batthwack, both high, chat on the roof of the Rutabago. Rosco reveals that having had time to reflect, he's come to realise that he was mad at Batthwack blocking his spell because of his own insecurities about magic, which he says has brought him nothing but problems. Batthwack points out that what little of Rosco's magic they've seen so far has actually been pretty useful. Batthwack has also come to a realisation of his own: that the book's image of Gully's End may indeed be accurate.

Raphina arrives and hands over the bowls of stew. Batthwack sniffs it. It smells meaty. Rosco identifies the meat as rabbit and hungrily slurps it right in front of the dragonborn who's got a serious bout of the munchies coming on. Somehow Batthwack manages to resist temptation and just eats the bread, dipping it the stew. Rosco suggests they stay at the inn for the night; Rudy has been known to react unpredictably when it rains. Rosco transforms the Rutabago back into a rutabaga and they go inside as the sound of another odd whinny echoes from somewhere behind the inn.

## Quotes

* Bartender: *"Why are you so interested? Are you looking to purchase?"* Will: (laughs) *"Oh yeah. That is why. I am a land developer. I'm hoping to build a lot of shit in the middle of nowhere. I thought just starting here was the best option."*

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Adam. KT was proudly telling the group how they hoodwinked the other players (see KT's spoiler section in episode 317: 1,000 Mugs of Twig Tea on the Wall), pointing out that this was one difference between them and Will. Alex responded provocatively, *"Yeah well at least your secrets won't kill people."* Adam says, *"For the record, I don't think Rosco's secrets could kill anybody."* KT suggested that had Rosco's special medicinal mustard been poisoned, then maybe his secrets could be deadly. They pointed out that Will eating some was a huge deal. *"Will has eaten nothing but mustard, apparently, in the past six weeks. That's it."* Rosco: *"Oh, don't eat the butt mustard. The one on the far right? That's the butt mustard."*
* *My Little Buttercup* from *The Three Amigos* (1986): https://youtu.be/T6wetejGqh0
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: supportive. It was previously described as supportive in the description for Episode 268.

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ See episode 314: We're Right Ear
2. ↑ See episode 284: Tusk Me In the Dick