Effrijim Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Jim gets arrested for public nudity, since he just popped up in Helsinki without any clothing. *“Twenty-four hours after I was arrested,* [Nottania] *bailed me out of jail, and shortly after that we were on a train headed for –“*

Wait wait wait. Nottania bailed Jim out of jail? How? With what money? With what ID? She's been in Hell for seventy years, according to the text! Can either of them even speak the language? \~/

Anyway, Jim and Nottania are on a train heading for *“a small town in the countryside,”* which is where Nottania says Noberon will be. Why they didn't just go there in the first place is beyond me. My guess is that the name “Helsinki” is intended to be funny.

And I just realized, Nottania “bailed” Jim out of jail. As in, got him released on bail. Not “paid the fine.” So now they're fugitives fleeing justice. Lovely. \~/

Apparently Noberon *“always loved this area for* juhannus,” which is apparently the Finnish name for the summer solstice. That actually makes sense . . . but isn't explained in the least here. \~/ Nottania says that the nymphood is on their way – wait; I thought Noberon had all the nymphs banished to Hell. Yeah, there it is, **four pages ago.**\~/ Continuity is for losers.

Jim complains about the fit of the clothing Nottania got for him, which consist of a leather thong, a fishnet tank top and a metal-studded codpiece. \~/ Thanks for that mental image, MacAlister.

Jim infodumps the plan, which is for Nottania and the nymphood to find Noberon and beat him up. Jim then worries that the codpiece is cutting off the circulation to his genitals, and wants Nottania to look at them.

Genital Count: 6 \~/

Our . . . ahem . . . protagonists arrive at a park and find about thirty nymphs waiting for them. Nottania gives a desultory speech about beating up the faeries because this will *“prove our worth”* . . . somehow. Apparently thirty nymphs beating up someone's ex-husband somehow counters *“centuries of abuse”* as well. I don't know either.

The other nymphs don't want Jim along, since he's y'know, a demon. Jim is fine with that, but Nottania insists that he come, and I really have no idea why. He already got her out of Hell; it seems he's held up his end of the bargain. Oh, and Jim refers to Nottania as *“the Titster.”* \~/

I am convinced that MacAlister used the name Titania purely so she could make breast-based “jokes.”

The nymphs offer to make Jim an honorary nymph, but state that they'll have to change his form into a female. Jim argues against this, saying that if they did that, *“all I'd do is jump up and down and watch my boobs bounce.”* \~/ All this malarkey comes to nothing when Nottania simply drags him onto her motorcycle and they ride away, making that two pages of total nothing.

Oh, all the nymphs are bikers. Because...it's funny? \~/

Jim and the Nymphood (appearing tonight at Big Dave's Party Barn!) arrive at the nameless campsite where the *juhannus* is taking place, There are bonfires and faeries dancing around them in long, gauzy dresses. Jim and the nymphs have somehow managed to sneak into position and are hiding behind trees. Nottania gripes about how the faeries *“fling themselves around the bonfires as if they, and not we, were beings of the earth!”*

Umm . . . what the hell does that mean?

Jim describes the faeries as dancing *“like monkeys on crack,”* which I actually found mildly amusing. He immediately ruins it by noting *“Hey, you can see right through those gauzy dresses when the light is behind them. Hoobah.”* \~/

“Hoobah?”

\~/

A random nymph declaims that *“We are of the earth! We will take back what is ours!”* I wasn't going to take a drink for the “we are of the earth” bit, but if the characters insist on repeating it, it damn well ought to be explained. \~/

Nottania speechifies, saying *“There will be no quarter for faeries! . . . We will take no prisoners! We have no mercy!”* To which Jim replies: *“Babe, just between you and me, I think you've seen* Lord of the Rings *one too many times . . . Viggo you ain't.”*

I don't even know what to say about that one. \~/

The nymphs charge the faeries, Nottania now armed with a sword, and the faeries run around in a panic. One nymph shoves a rake into Jim's hands and runs off, flailing a piece garden hose. Is that a joke? I don't even know anymore.

The nymphs run amok, and the faeries marshal their magical powers to counter – oh, wait; no they don't. These faeries apparently *have* no magical powers, so they're quickly overcome. There's a “funny” bit where two nymphs pin down a male faerie and beat him over the head with his own bouquet of flowers, which is either a gay joke or just confusing. \~/

After ten minutes the nymphs have subdued the faeries (and murdered and maimed a few, I assume, given the “no mercy” speech and the lopsided armaments, although this is never referred to). Nottania finally confronts Noberon (*“a big blonde dude with feathered hair”*), threatening him with her sword and accusing him of having her and the rest of the nymphs banished to Hell.

Except for the thirty or so nymphs who are right there.

Yeah.

Noberon insists that *“It was the glamour!”* and after a few lines of random nonsense, Nottania buys it.

\*blink blink\*

What?

After all that build-up, *this* is the resolution we get? A freaking cop-out?

Nottania orders another nymph, named Cob, to take Jim to the Helsinki portal and see that he gets to Paris, and this pathetic excuse for a chapter ends.

Drinks: 14

Genital Count: 6

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