ZF Moley

Lord Emperor of the Germanian Empire, "loyal" servant of the Great-Jew Soviet and a fierce and proud member of the XCOM Project, Moley is one of the lynchpins of the project and key to the survival of humanity. Though if it survives the aliens it may have something worse to survive, the mystery of the Magic Fedora.

Liberator of Germania

The last great fight of the seemingly endless war between the Indian Reich and the Jew Soviet would probably be noted as the greatest moment of Moley's career if not for the current invasion of the alien menace. It saw the clashing of Jew and Indian forces in the heart of Germany, by this point a blasted hellscape from the constant bombardment by both sides with its people living underground like moles just to survive.

Moley bravely led his Legion of troopers in an invasion the likes of which had never been seen. His plan was simple but ingenious, something that not even his superior, the Great-Jew Womble, had thought of. He would utilise the tunnels of the native Germanians to surprise the Indian Reich Forces from the rear of their defensive line and purge them from the ruins of Brandenburg.

The plan was an amazing success and the Indian Reich was forced to retreat back to the great Cheese-Curtain at the borders of the satellite-state of Indian Poland. Since then the Indian Reich has created huge underground walls and facilities to prepare for attacks of the same kind and the front has since turned into a stalemate. Luckily for the people of Germania this was a blessing as thanks to the securing of the territory by Moley they could return to the surface and attempt to rebuild their lives.

The Great-Jew Womble was quick to reward his prized general Moley and declared him Governor of the newly formed proxy-state of Germania, tasking him with securing the border with the Indian Reich and preventing the loss of Germania again (, which had caused the sudden disappearance of the last Germanian Governor appointed by the Great-Jew).

Just prior to the formation of the XCOM project Governor Moley had been heavily invested in military technology and continuing the efforts to dig underneath the Cheese-Curtain. It has been speculated that the current XCOM base was perhaps one of these efforts though it has been argued that its design is not in a position to attack Indian Poland and instead could have been a project by Governor Moley in an attempt to prepare to declare a free Germania and revolt against the Jew-Soviet.

Moley is the Fedora. The Fedora is Moley.

Cast in fire and hardened in lard, the mythical Fedora was first discovered by the often hilarious, strangely incompetent ZF Moley as he got lost on a scouting mission against the alien menace for Supreme Jew Overlord, Commander of the Stars, planets and all the other cosmic shit, Soviet Womble.

Typically, Moley acted first and thought later swiftly replaced his normally sporadic hair growth attire and donned the Fedora whilst it was still red hot and merged painfully with not only his head flesh, but his very mortal soul.

Womble of the long name demanded his acolytes trawl the universe for knowledge pertaining to the mystical Fedora and quickly discovered both its attributes and its curse.

When worn, the Fedora could not be removed by any means making Moley think he was all powerful and shit, adopting the title 'Emperor' to honour his new found power. He proceeded to declare Germania an Empire to match, much to the dismay of the Great-Jew Womble.

Unbeknownst to Moley, Womble's evil spy monkeys located a tattered papyrus in the British Musuem, scribed in a combination of Ogham script and Norse runes which stated that the Fedora, whilst not guaranteeing survival of its host, would ensure that the wearer would live on through the body of any who would don the headgear in the vent of the death of its wearer, eventually transmogrifying the new owner into its original host. Soviet Womble, being the devious little shit that he is, decided to allow Moley his delusions of grandeur and encouraged him to show off his new powers by making him fight as often as possible. Not to increase his experience and standing, but to see with his own eyes what would really happen when the host was killed. (Swearing that he would never equip the garment himself when there were plenty of lemmings with which to observe the power of the Fedora and the curse forever associated with poor, unsuspecting Moley).

Because like I said, he is a devious little shit.

Moley is the Fedora. the Fedora is Moley.

Or you. If the tubby twat snuffs it.

Who will eventually be Moley.

Again.

Cosmic shit eh?

 **24/04/2016**
 **30/04/2016** | Deployed on mission to halt alien abductions in Tianjin, China. Demonstrated excellent skill and facilitated a quick and safe securation of the abduction site.

Personal Logs -

26/03/2016 - Immortality Realised

Tasted battle and survived. Took fire and lived. The legends are true. I am immortal. Even took a couple of the swine as I christened my weapon. I am promoted to Scout now. I look mean as fuck and dispite not being able to earn any badges or fondle girl scouts I'm allowed to find those grey bastards first and unleash the full fury of this space station.

I throw grenades like a girl.

The Fedora still looks the shit.

24/04/2016 - Running for my "life"

Well. that was a clusterfuck. Some genius in command figured he'd listen to his fired up and bad assed troops and actually agreed we should go on mission with only half a squad. We'd all seen combat before. We were a tad fuelled on stimulants and me and 2 other guys went out to smack some alien ass. It started off ok. Usual drill. Scan and sweep. Took out a couple of flying mechanical twats and then I went and spotted a few of them thin fuckers. Who in turn saw us. Then it went to all kinds of shit. Our sniper had his face blown off before he could even check his scope. I took one out with a grenade.The other guy threw his, poor bastard half blinded by acid and other than take out a bit of cover, may as well have kept hold of it. It wouldn't have been for long as he soon started panicing and died soon after. I'll admit that when that alien commmander fuck bag started firing on me and I could see that skinny bastard in all his glory I started to lose my shit a little too. But training and a huge bag of weed meant I managed to sprint my ass out in a full retreat.

I'm in the infirmary again. The Fedora kept me alive. I am a Highlander of mother fucking bad ass Scouts.

I'll be back. But I aint going in any more part squads. Respectfully Commander Womble, Fuck You.

30/04/2016 - Banks full of Ranks

Check me out. I'm a frikkin Lance Corporal now. Of course Womble is flaunting his power by giving us lowly names but by now I should be like Super-Emperor if you use sane ranks.

Easy mission, went out and killed shit. Engineering sent down some new techno-shizz and taught me how to do "holo-targeting" which should help my teammates keep up with me. A bit tired but not injured at all so I'm gonna chill for a few days and let these other meatsacks take up the slack for a while.

12/05/2016 - Bongo Barbeque

I don't know what it is about the African continent that hates me but I survived another clusterfuck but will be out of action for damn near a month. We lost a rookie. I should feel bad that i didn't get to know them better. Before their head exploded off.

I've got to rest now. I've got 95% burns to my body as General Holy Fuck Knuckle Womble happened to forget that fire is hot.

Praise the Fedora. I'll be back.

Also in real life he's like some streamer and all round weird person.