Adolf Hitler

Every time you stifle a sneeze, the force of the sneeze cannot simply
disappear from existence. It must manifest elsewhere, often causing a
small creature to explode or a chefs hat to fly off into the air.

La
toque blanche. The chefs hat. Why is it shaped like a mushroom cloud?
Because they both sure can cook. And why is a mushroom cloud shaped like
 a mushroom? Not many people know this, but out in the forest, right
where every mushroom grows, there used to be a tiny Japanese city, so
tiny that even David the Gnome could commit accidental genocide just by
taking a poop without looking.

 Ironically, Gnome Poop is highly
sought after in Japan, because of its mystical properties and because it
 tastes good on sushi, for people who cant handle wasabi. Here in
America, Gnome Poops mystique is somewhat overshadowed by that of
Unicorn Seed! the hip new soda pop that all the kids are guzzling on the
 street corners. Its popularity has been hugely fostered by product
placement in popular films. For instance, in the film Muscular Hooker 2,
 Will Smiths character takes a dramatically-framed swig of Unicorn Seed!
 and then suddenly grows a CGI erection which extends into infinity, and
 then Will Smiths mind explodes, and the movie ends.

 For that
scene alone, Roger Ebert gives the film 3 and a half stars. Not many
people know this, but movie critics have a finite amount of stars they
can award in their lifetime. They are often kept in a vault, heavily
secured to prevent a senile Scrooge McDuck from wandering in, mistaking
the stars for gold coins, and swimming in them. This is for Scrooges own
 protection, as the stars have sharp edges and would lacerate his body
into a bloody feathered pulp.

 If this were to happen, his will
states that the entire McDuck fortune will go to his grandnephews Huey,
Dewey, and Louie, and that his nephew Donald will get zilch, because
nobody understands what the Christ he is saying anyway so who cares. As
for Scrooge McDucks body, it will be jerked and eaten, as per Scottish
tradition.

 Indeed, cannibalism of the dead is a cherished custom
in Scotland. When a Scottish boys coming of age is celebrated (a
ceremony known as the Scot Mitzvah) he is forced to consume his own
great-grandfather, bones and all, in just 24 hours, or else the local
Shaman will hit him on the head with a magical stick that stops him from
 ever becoming an adult.

 Now, you might think that eternal
childhood wouldnt be such a bad thing, Never-Never-Land and all that
jazz. But no! Once your parents are dead, theres nothing to stop you
from eating nothing but sweets, as children are wont to do. And when
your baby teeth have rotted away, there will be no adult teeth to take
their place. Toothless, stupid, and unkissed by the spirits of puberty,
you will be banished from Scotland to the only place in this world where
 an awkward man-child such as yourself can ever hope to be accepted;
Ireland.
 You will live as a leprechaun. You will don a false beard
and a green bowler and stand on the streets jabbering about a
nonexistent pot of gold. When darkness falls, you will sleep in an alley
 on a bed of night soil, clutching a potato, which will be your
surrogate mother. If you are found by leprechaun poachers, your only
hope for escape is to mesmerize them with a sprightly leprechaun jig,
and then stab their eyes out with your leprechaun stiletto. Then you
must run away to find another Irish hamlet, and the cycle will repeat
forever until one of three things happens: One, the poachers get too
smart for you. Two, you starve to death. Three, the stifled sneeze of a
distant someone causes you to explode and die.