Judge Stictpunish

Holy cow that's bad

Tippy Dorman, I hereby give you 480... minutes in jabfqwbfwhby0webgoweuybfowebgfweghbf0wegy

to think about what you've doajfapbglwbgwbgpwbgjwbegiwh

480 minutes? that's 8aghf0-webgf0webvfowefwebpu hours!

Never get Insurance from a goathjasbg0wuhybgfweygfwe0bgow0ebg0webfyaebfgspsieubghseibghweigbwebgw0e9ughweiubwefbweifbweifgbweihfgbwe

*(The episode opens with a TV6+ news bulletin.)*

**Gabby:** This is Gabby ToCamera with our continued coverage of the mission to Mars. It is day 54, and today the crew will send a rover to the Mars surface to collect data. I think my co-anchor, Craig Woodman, will agree this is an incredible event. ...Craig? Craig?

*(Gabby waves her hand in Craig’s face.)*

**Gabby:** Is he breathing?

*(Footage from the competition is shown.)*

**Gabby:** One very lucky citizen, Tippy Doreman, is a part of the crew. As some of you may remember, I, Gabby ToCamera, was in the running to go on the Mars Mission, but I was not chosen. *(bitterly)* But I am not bitter. At all. ...Don’t give me that look, Craig, I know what you’re thinking! ...We’re wishing the crew the best of luck and hope that there isn’t a disastrous, catastrophic event that I could have stopped if I had gone.

*(Craig falls over.)*

**Gabby:** Craig?

*(Aboard the rocket, the crew approach Mars.)*

**Dr. Wexler:** Ve have entered ze Mars orbit. Captain Momentus, zis portal is a bit foggy, activate... ze defroster!

**Momentus:** I am initiating the defroster, a sequence of events that will affect mankind, womankind, and yes, animalkind. This historic event will allow us to view the majesty of the Red Planet, floating in the cosmos!

*(Momentus turns on the defroster and Dr. Wexler sighs.)*

**Dr. Wexler:** Lieutenant Rivera, launch the rover to ze surface, please.

**Rivera:** Yes, sir, Dr. Wexler. I am on it, sir.

*(Rivera flips around the rocket as she makes her way to the controls.)*

**Dr. Wexler:** Urgh. You can just press the button, Lieutenant, there’s no need for acrobatics.

**Rivera:** Yes, sir. That’s just my style, sir.

*(Rivera presses the button. Tippy watches the rover be deployed through the telescope, but quickly moves his focus to a rock formation.)*

**Tippy:** Ha! These fools and their inane Mars Mission... There’s only one true mission: mine! To acquire the Door of Doors and change the destiny of the universe.

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** Tippy? Are you still mesmerised by that door-shaped rock formation?

**Tippy:** *(laughs)* Heavens, no, Dr. Ravenhurst. I was merely, uh, practising looking through a telescope.

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** Keep at it! I’ll need a second pair of eyes to look for organic matter, DNA strands, and sustainable water, so maybe we can colonise this planet some day.

**Dr. Wexler:** Dr. Ravenhurst, for the one hundredth time, zat is not our prime operative! Ze existence of water on Mars means life *may* exist, und if life exists, zen it stands to reason zat many years of evolution may have produced a creature capable of creating... *(gasps)* a station wagon!

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** You *really* expect to find a station wagon on Mars?

**Dr. Wexler:** A wood-panelled station wagon, yes.

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** How’d you get on this mission, huh? You know somebody? Did you pay your way into the program? I’m talking actual science, and you’re talking station wagons!

**Momentus:** Dr. Wexler, I am turning in my chair to address you. One small motion in a chair, one giant move to proclaim that the rover... has landed.

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** Initiate rover to collection area.

**Tippy:** Dr. Ravenhurst! I was wondering, perchance, if I may be so bold as to request that *I* drive the rover to the location to gather samples?

*(Tippy pushes Momentus away from the controls.)*

**Tippy:** It’s always been my life-long dream to park a Mars rover... uh... on Mars?

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** Hm. This could be a good PR move for the space program. Proceed!

*(Tippy attempts to park the rover, but struggles to control it.)*

**Tippy:** I shall park it- uh, whoops! Right next to that- uh, no, my bad! Next to that... splendid door-like rock formation- oops! A tad too far over, now. Not to worry! I’ll fix it!

**Harl:** Did somebody say “fix”?

**All:** *(gasp)* Harl?

**Dr. Wexler:** Vat are you doing here? You are supposed to be on Earth!

**Harl:** I was tightening some loose screws in the Mars rover room, and I guess I didn’t notice the rocket had launched!

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** We’ve been in space for three months.

**Harl:** ...There were a LOT of screws.

**Tippy:** Harl’s going to thwart my plan! Uh- I mean, our, uh. Space thingy mission.

**Momentus:** I am moving my hand, to place my palm to my forehead, to express my horror at this space invader!

**Rivera:** I’m a twelfth degree black belt. I’ll apprehend this stowaway and throw him in the brig!

*(Rivera does a flying kick towards Harl, but Dr. Wexler knocks her away.)*

**Dr. Wexler:** Stand down, Lieutenant Rivera.

**Rivera:** *(sighs)* Sixteen years of karate. For what?

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** Oh, this ain’t good. We don’t have enough food, air, or water on board to sustain another passenger!

**Harl:** No problemo! I always bring my own extra food, air, and water!

*(Harl floats over to Tippy and looks over his shoulder at the screen.)*

**Harl:** Is that a tiny flag on the rover?

*(Dr. Wexler waves his arm in front of the screen.)*

**Dr. Wexler:** That was not a flag you saw, stop talking about a flag.

**Harl:** Okay, I will! ...Looks like that rover’s roving a little too closely to that door-like rock formation. I can fix that! I’ll just steer it far away...

**Tippy:** Oh, my, I almost forgot, I- uh- I got you all a gift! Even you, Harl.

**Harl:** But... how’d you even know I was gonna be here?

**Tippy:** A precise and proper planner is prepared for everything... even unexpected guests.

**Dr. Wexler:** You brought us all gifts? How very strange.

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** you’re looking for a station wagon on Mars, and you call *that* strange?

*(Tippy begins pushing the others through a doorway.)*

**Tippy:** Now, if everyone would just float out of the command capsule, it will allow me more room to... lock you out of the controls!

*(Tippy locks the door and the others all gasp. Tippy reveals himself as the Master Criminal.)*

**Harl:** Is this the present, a costume party?! I wish I’d known...

**Tippy:** We are *not* having a costume party.

**Harl:** Then, what are our presents?

**Tippy:** I *lied*, there are no presents. For you see, I am a master criminal, and I am going to change the world... forever!

**Dr. Wexler:** If you’re a master criminal, vat’s your master criminal name?

**Tippy:** I, uh- uh. I don’t have one. Now, I-

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** Whoa. You gotta have a cool master criminal name! What about, “Terrible Tippy”?

**Dr. Wexler:** Zat is not cool. May I suggest: “Tippy the Terrible”?

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** You just switched the words around!

**Tippy:** Quiet-

**Harl:** I know! I know! “Tippy the Man-Who-Doesn’t-Like-Handymen”!

**Momentus:** I have it! “The Strange One Who Does Criminal Things And Is Obsessed With Doors To An Unnatural Degree”.

**Rivera:** That’s way too long. What about... “The Tipster”?

**Harl:** Let’s take a vote. By a show of hands, how many for “Tippy the Terrible”?

**Tippy:** Stop talking about my name! (clears throat) Thank you. Now, I will acquire the door-like formation on Mars, which is, in fact, an ancient relic: the Door of Doors. It shall bring doormen back to their exalted position in society, as prophesied by the very first doorman. The ancient prophecy decreed that the Chosen Doorman—that would be me—will deliver the Mars Door to planet Earth. On that day of days, the Chosen Doorman will open the door, and lead the masses through it to a utopia! A perfect world, henceforth known as Paradoors!

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** Tippy, don’t take this personally, but you’re a cuckoo crazy nutty pants.

**Tippy:** That’s what my kindergarten teacher always said. So did my first grade teacher, and my second, and third, and- well, you get the point, but they were all wrong, and so are you!

**Harl:** Tippy, I think your brain needs to be fixed.

*(Harl pulls out a saw.)*

**Harl:** Now, I’m not a licensed brain surgeon, but I’m willing to give it a try!

*(They all watch as the rover parks and plants a flag with Fendrich’s face on it onto the surface of Mars.)*

**Harl:** Hey! There’s that flag I saw earlier that Dr. Wexler told me not to talk about when he waved his hand in front of my face!

**Dr. Wexler:** What? No, I don't see a flag!

*(Dr. Ravenhurst pulls a note out of Dr. Wexler’s back pocket.)*

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** What’s this? “Dear Dr. Wexler, thank you for helping me put a flag on Mars, claiming the planet for my own. Enclosed is one million dollars. Yours sincerely, Fendrich. P.S: Sorry about your integrity.” Are you kidding me? You took money to plant a stupid flag on Mars?

*(On Earth, Fendrich spies the flag through his telescope.)*

**Fendrich:** Yes!

**Dr. Wexler:** I have student loans to pay!

**Tippy:** Back to me...! If you please! My stepfather Fendrich’s petty plans of one-upmanship will be of no importance once I have returned the Mars Door back to Earth.

**Rivera:** Are you following all this?

**Harl:** No, I just like to hear him talk.

*(The rover picks up the Mars Door and begins bringing it back to the rocket.)*

**Tippy:** And now the Door of Doors is mine. I bid you all adieu! Or in the parlance of a master criminal: so long, suckers!

*(Tippy closes the window on them and enters the shuttle.)*

**Dr. Wexler:** We’ve got to warn mission control!

*(Dr. Wexler spots something on the screen.)*

**Dr. Wexler:** What in the name of- *(gasps)* Are those... keys to a wood-panelled station wagon?

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** Ha! If they are, then I’m Santy Claus.

*(Dr. Wexler zooms in to reveal a pair of keys.)*

**Dr. Wexler:** Ho, ho, ho! I think someone—*(coughs)* Ravenhurst—owes me an apology!

**Harl:** So *that’s* where my cargo bike keys went! I must’ve dropped them when I was working near the rover.

**Dr. Ravenhurst:** What was that you were saying, doc?

**Dr. Wexler:** Ha! A small setback on my way to eventual station wagon triumph. You’ll see.

**Harl:** That’s the spirit!

*(Harl changes into a spacesuit while Momentus and Rivera play pat-a-cake.)*

**Harl:** Now, I’d better get those keys back. If you’ll excuse me.

*(Harl exits through a hatch. Tippy prepares to leave in the shuttle.)*

**Tippy:** Rover, commence ignition and return to ship.

*(As the rover leaves the Mars surface, a station wagon can be seen. The rover connects the Mars Door to Tippy’s shuttle.)*

**Tippy:** Now, my precious Door of Doors, we shall make our glorious return to Earth and rule the universe! Tippy, you did it! No one can stop you now! I believe some laughter is in order. *(laughs evilly)*

**Harl:** Hiya, Tippy!

**Tippy:** Harl Hubbs? Aw, come on!

**Harl:** I was trying to get my bike keys back, but the Mars rover’s spare tire needed inflating, so I had to fix that first.

**Tippy:** *(groans)* I suppose you’re going to have to come with me.

*(Tippy presses a button and the shuttle starts heading back towards Earth.)*

**Tippy:** No one will prevent me from using this Mars Door to lead us all to utopia!

**Harl:** Hmm, I don’t know, Tippy. I think it may be more helpful if I try and stop you.

*(Harl floats up towards the controls.)*

**Tippy:** No, get away from that, get away-! Don’t try anything funny, Harl!

*(The shuttle flies around erratically as Harl messes with the controls.)*

**Tippy:** Where did you get that garden flamingo? I said, nothing funny!