Diana

Diana is the sixteenth chapter in the Wombles Five. If you were looking for the character references in the title, see Lady Diana Forbes-Blakeney. If you were looking for Wonder Woman, see Diana Prince.

Lady Diana was just walking by the side of the road. She had heard rumours about a colourful strange place lately & was wondering if it existed. Then she heard the awful noise she’d heard about. At first Diana thought she was imagining it. But then it knocked her out.

The strange place had recently been re-revived. Diana was confused to see five colours at once but not separated or mixed. Then she realized it was the rumoured ‘strange place’. She found the machine & shut it down. She looked around the museum. She’d heard the strangeness could be revived, but was it true? And how? And could it be prevented?

Diana suddenly had an idea. Even if she couldn’t permanently stop the machine, surely she could destroy the building? She spent some hours doing this, then left. She took a plane to Canada, since she’d booked a holiday there.

Once in her Toronto holiday place(well, its garden, anyway), Diana felt quite peaceful. Unfortunately, the Canadian branch of SCARE did certainly not feel this way. They had got the news that their leader was dead and, like a lot of people, they wanted revenge. A couple of them were called California AKA Cali & Cate. Cali was the cousin of Hannibal & Venus Smith. Cate was the sister of Katrina Purdey. Neither yet knew who’d killed Lara but they were plotting the revenge.

Suddenly a letter came in. Cali read it out loud. “Miss Lara Zara Kara King was killed by Mr John Steed(middle name/names unknown)with water which drowned her. He also killed her generally immortal sister Tara Kara Zara Keel & Commander James Bond’s brother Mywordismy Bond(middle name/names unknown). Steed is currently married to Catherine ‘Cathy’ Purdey(as obvious, now Steed, formerly Gale, formerly married to a man known as Mother). Other known friends/associates are THE Avengers, Katrina Purdey,  Mr Class, an unusual milkman, seven tiny cats, two babies named Thomas & Lucy Steed & possibly The A Team.”

“That was a long letter!” said Cate. “And my sister should be ashamed of herself!” “And my cousin.” Sighed Cali.

Diana had happened to end up in a Canadian SCARE trap house. She had just discovered that there was a SCARE bomb craze & her holiday home’s address had one. She found the layout paper & started hunting around. She spent ages looking for the actual bomb & eventually threw herself on the floor in hopelessness. In doing this, Diana realized something. She jolted right up & examined the floor. She wasn’t imagining it. The house was the bomb. She immediately ran out & away. The house promptly exploded.

Steed arrived home and quickly grabbed Thomas and Lucy’s teddy bears.  They started crying.  Steed screamed.  “How are these teddy bears crying?”  He threw them out the window and they landed with Murdock.

He examined them carefully and said, “It’s a bomb!  Don’t panic! Don’t panic!”  He threw them and they landed with Gambit.  “Um, now that I have these, what am I actually supposed to do with them?” he said.  Purdey was with him.  “Er… use them to blow up SCAR HQ.” she said.  “Not enough time to get there.” Replied Gambit.  “Perhaps I could throw them into the sea though?”  He tried but a venussian octopus caught them and threw them back and then Purdey caught them and threw them and Cathy caught them and threw them and Katrina caught them and threw them and Mr Teddy Bear caught them and they exploded just before he could throw them.  But there were still loads more waiting to explode.

The A Team, Avengers, Classy Glass Window Cleaners, Milk Men, and the Vincents were going madly around London collecting teddy bears.  Most of them were collecting them in shopping trolleys.  Bungo was using a big tidy bag.  He met up with Steed.  “It’s hopeless!” said Steed.  “What we need is lots of experts in tidying up!” he continued.  “That’s it!” shouted Bungo.  “What’s it?” asked Steed.  “Experts in tidying up, wombles!” shouted Bungo.  He rushed to the cells to get General Bulgaria’s Womble Army.  On the way he met Wellington and Shansi.

The trio rushed to the cells and explained to General Bulgaria.  “All of London destroyed!” he said.  “Yes” said Bungo.  “Even the burrow at Hyde Park?” asked GB.  “Yes” said Shansi.  “Then we’ll do it.” Replied GB.  “Great!” said Wellington.  “In return for the Avengers HQ going back to us!” added GB.  There was no choice so Bungo called Steed.  Steed agreed immediately but secretly planned a double cross.

The wombles went to work with their tidy bags and all the teddy bears were collected.  The Avengers, A Team, Milk Man, Window Cleaners and the Vincents drove all the lethal toys to the coast.  But Mr Teddy Bear was waiting with his robots.

Suddenly Gambit noticed Bond.  “Bond!” he said making his I’m going beat you up face.  “Gambit!” said Bond making his I’m very charming but secretly I’m going to kill you face.

Cate & Cali had captured Diana. They thought she might know where Steed was. “Where is he?” demanded Cate, as her opening statement. “Where is who, and why?” asked Diana. “Don’t play around, Diana.” Said Cali coldly. “We have to kill him.” “Kill who?” asked Diana. “You know full well who!” said Cali, who was getting quickly irritated. “So prove I know who by telling me.” Replied Diana. “Steed, obviously!” said Cali. “Steed?” said Diana in shock. “But I haven’t seen him in ages! Why would I have been told where he is? I only worked with him for a short time while Tara King was on holiday.” “So who might know?” asked Cate. “Well, whoever’s on his side right now. And I’m told that varies a bit.” Said Diana. Cate checked the letter. “Maybe we’ll try that Charlie.” She said. “Why would any of Steed’s friends be in Canada?” asked Diana.

About 5 minutes later, Cate & Cali decided they would call Mr Teddy Bear & get him to take Purdey over. But first they would have to kill Diana. They left the room. They locked, latched, chained & padlocked the door. They added a sofa up it. Then they went to their machine.

Diana was confused to hear a voice telling her that marshmallows were going to start falling. They actually did. She caught them with her mouth & swallowed each one. She immediately stopped when the voice added, “One will have a circular saw in it.”

Diana now tried desperately to get out. Suddenly the door burst open-but not because of her. There was a chocolate Labrador. “I’m Woofykins.” They told her. “Woofykins?” said Diana, who hadn’t even heard of the meowys. “Yes.” Said the Labrador. “Woofykins.” Diana raced quickly out of the room, then out of the building. Woofykins followed her.