310: What Kind of God Needs a Carnival?

## Summary

As the party sail on through the night, Will and Raphina get high on the Desert Mothers' weed and Rosco recalls his tragic earliest memory. They eventually arrive at the source of the beams of light: a giant coyote head marking the entrance to the *Captivating Coyote's Carnival of Fun*. Rosco distrusts carnivals intensely, but begrudgingly accompanies everyone inside, where find a very disappointing, badly taxidermied coyote. Will locates a hidden door at the back and they continue to explore, finding a trick corridor and a room full of funhouse mirrors, where Rosco is peppered with poison darts.

## Synopsis

The party are resting, each in their own fashion, as the boat pilots itself down the river. Rosco takes note of the strange beams of light ahead of them, muttering to himself, *"This is our destiny."* Will braids Raphina's cut ponytail not realising that the rest of her hair isn't actually braided. She loves the result anyway. Will then checks in on Batthwack, who's still perched up on the roof of the boat. He's also seen the lights ahead and is thinking about having a nighttime swim at some point. The lights, reminiscent of rabbit ears, must somehow be connected to the cloud signs sent to them by the Captivating Coyote, though Will doesn't see the resemblance. Raphina climbs up and joins Will and Batthwack on the roof. Will takes out the special weed that the Desert Mothers gave him and begins rolling a joint.

In the wheelhouse, Rosco chats to Sheemie and Mo. They both recount how they joined the group, and when Sheemie mentions his parents, this reminds Rosco that he has no memory of his. He recalls his earliest memory, running through the woods as a kid and accidentally knocking a man off a cliff, killing him.

Will takes a tiny puff on Aunt Bootie's weed and is treated briefly to the sight of them all surrounded by brightly coloured, opaque spheres the size of grapefruits. The vision only lasts for a couple of seconds, after which he feels relaxed and a little giggly. Raphina's keen to see what Will saw, so takes a great huff of the second-hand smoke. She too feels relaxed and giggly, but her vision is different; looking down she sees that the roof of the boat they're sitting on has momentarily changed into some kind of pink pillow. The two of them giggle and chat while Batthwack looks on, mostly just in awe of the sight of Will smiling.

At one point, Will fires an *Eldritch Blast* out into the darkness, to check if he can still do it when stoned. He and Raphina become concerned about whether an owl may have been killed, so Batthwack begrudgingly flies out to see if he can locate it. He finds nothing. Raphina even gets out her *Wand of Charm Animal* and waves it around pointlessly. Rosco gets dragged into the silliness when Raphina nearly falls off the roof and he has to help her down safely as Will holds onto her from above. Even Mo gets in on the act and gets high on a supply of chewing leaf he's brought with him, something his people used to enjoy back in the lizardfolk lair.

The houseboat rounds a bend in the river and suddenly the source of the beams of light is revealed. A sizable dock juts out into the river ahead of them and beyond that, close to the riverbank, spotlights of some kind blast beams of light up into the sky. These flank a huge, cartoonish coyote head with pointy ears, grey fur and bulging eyes. The mouth hangs wide open, it's pink tongue lolled on the ground. The boat begins to slow down by itself, and Rosco wonders suspiciously why on earth Ricardo Odysseus would have set his boat to bring them here? Raphina suggests that perhaps it just automatically stops at every dock along the river. Batthwack dives in to take that swim he promised himself.

The boat gracefully glides to a stop at the dock. A trail from here leads up to the coyote's mouth, where a young halfling woman is stood waiting. Will suddenly feels the urgent need to sober up, so asks Raphina for some Twig Tea, which she haphazardly splashes all over him. Batthwack rejoins them, having climbed out of the water and put his armour back on. Raphina takes the initiative and steps forward to introduce herself.

*"Oh, welcome, welcome, to the* Captivating Coyote's Carnival of Fun*!"* says the halfling. Raphina's very excited, but Rosco is visibly underwhelmed. *"Never trust a carnival,"* he says, explaining that they're just corrupted circuses. He's also never heard of this one, which makes him even more suspicious. Batthwack reminds them that there's an important reason why they're here; they're supposed to be obtaining a weapon from the Coyote. Rosco begrudgingly agrees to follow them in, not trusting them to take the threat of a carnival seriously enough on their own. He quizzes the halfling, who's name is Shelby. She says she's actually working on getting her degree in economics at the Beartoggle University, studying numismatic physics, but Rosco's not interested in any of that. Will casts *Detect Thoughts*, determining that Shelby seems a little bored, but otherwise genuine enough. The carnival is free to enter, which only fuels Will and Rosco's dubiousness.

    Will *Messages* Mo, telling him to guard the entrance, while Sheemie accompanies the others inside. A regular corridor at the back of the mouth leads to a square room, every possible surface of which is covered in red velvet drapes. In the centre of the room is an ornate chair on which sits a moth-eaten, taxidermied coyote holding a shallow gold dish containing a handful of coins. Will begins to think this is some kind of con, and poking around the curtains, does actually find a small door in the wall behind the throne. Batthwack kicks it in without hesitation and they all make their way through, Rosco complaining about carnivals all the while. Will suggests Sheemie go back and distract Shelby and make sure they aren't discovered.

    They find themselves in what at first appears to be another corridor, much longer than the last, but in fact it is an optical illusion. The corridor actually narrows quickly as they progress until they're all wedged together. There's another small door, and Raphina's *Find Traps* detects nothing suspicious. *"Your spell doesn't work because clearly this is a tourist trap,"* says Will. Through this door is another room, this one containing a set of funhouse mirrors. with footprints marked on the floor in front of them. There are three mirrors on each side, and in front of the outer ones, footprints are painted onto the floor, facing the mirrors. The central mirrors on each side are in fact normal mirrors.

Rosco investigates a door on the other side of the room, finding it's rigged in such a way that projectiles would be fired at whoever opens it. Rosco is wholly unsurprised that a carnival would sink so low. He launches into a long rant about the lack of family values and community in the carnival world. *"Dangerous!"* he concludes. *"Carnivals? Bad. Bad stuff. That's all I'm gonna say."* He's just demonstrating the trap mechanism in the door to the others when he leans against it and is immediately peppered with a barrage of poisoned darts. As the pain courses through him, he unleashes an almighty cry of *"Fffuckin' CARNIVAAAAALS!"*

## Quotes

* KT: *"He stands up, straightens up and he fires an* Eldritch Blast *out into the darkness."* Eric: *"You hear a Wilhelm hoot."*

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from Adam/Rosco who was exploring the character's newly revealed distrust and dislike of carnivals, the group having just arrived at the *Captivating Coyote's Carnival of Fun*. Rosco: *"What is this carnival's deal? What is this carnival built around? What's the big idea? The big figure?"* Carnival helper: *"The Captivating Coyote!"* Rosco: *"The coyote, oh it's a god right? What kind of god needs a carnival?"* Adam was referencing this scene from *Star Trek V: The Final Frontier* in which James T. Kirk asks an entity posing as God, "What does God need with a starship?" (although Adam mistakenly attributes the line to Dr. Leonard McCoy).
* The halfling outside the carnival says they're studying for their Economics degree, specialising in numismatic physics. Numismatics is the study or collection of currency, including coins, tokens, paper money, medals and related objects. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Numismatics
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: bussin'.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured KT doing a recap to the tune of *Love Shack* by The B-52's:

If you hear a repetitive calliope sound, that means

You are close to our

Houseboat!

Houseboat, yeah

We're headed down the Beartoggle River way

Looking for the Captivating Coyote

Headed for the Coyote

We've got us a boat it's as big as a house

And it's got a pre-programmed route

We've got SS Strahd, she seats an entitled captain

Our adventuring group and a bunch of assassins

The Houseboat was not a safe place and hopefully that's not a bellwether

Houseboat, baby (SS Strahd, baby)

Houseboat, baby, houseboat

Houseboat, baby, houseboat

Houseboat, baby, houseboat

Houseboat, baby, houseboat

Rosco says (woo!) *"My brain is in two*

*I'm feeling weird on this houseboat"*

Ever since he stabbed that brain in the middle of a lake

He knows two lives at once and he can't catch a break

Blood on the bedroom wall

Blood on the floorboard

Blood on the guardrail

Blood on the bathroom door

That Thunderclown tried to avoid repercussions

But Batthwack had given him a concussion

Here's Will, baby

No mercy, baby

Kill him right back, that's where it's at

Kill him right back, that's where it's at

Grabbin' and a-shakin'

Questionin' and shovin'

Will's focus and his outrage are as hot as an oven

The whole boat shimmies

Yeah, because of our Sheemie

The whole boat shimmies

When everybody's trying to figure out

How to move it around

Everybody's talkin', everybody's squabblin', baby

Mo takes Odysseus outside just to put him down

Everyone dismissed it, Batthwack almost missed it

That's a lot to unpack

Mercy thinks Batthwack

*[Instrumental Break]*

Lean on the ship's wheel as you rest and heal or just lay right on the floor

Batthwack's upset, Will worries that he's crying

So hurry up and bring your Boots of Flying

The houseboat was a little old place where we nearly died together

Houseboat, baby! (Houseboat, baby)

Houseboat, baby, houseboat

Houseboat, baby, houseboat

Houseboat, baby, houseboat

Houseboat, baby, houseboat

Bang, bang, bang on each door, baby

We can't find any other passengers

Twang, twang, twang on the mouth harp, baby

Raphina! Put that thing away! That didn't happen last session

Tang, tang, tang of the mustard, baby

Wait - is that mustard, or is it...?

Pang, pang, pang on the heartstrings, baby

Where is our compassion, sugar?

Tragedy Mask Gang (They're for hire, baby)

Ding, dong, dang (For the boat, baby)

Harangue, harangue (That little old lady)

Harangue, harangue! (*"Raphina Phalangepot!"*)

Harangue, harangue! (*"You almost died!!"*)

Harangue, harangue!

Say what?

Batthwack's up on the roof! Busted!

Houseboat, baby, houseboat

How'd we get so cutthroat?

Will loves making scapegoats

Let's go find the coyote

On the hooooooouseboat

REPTILINEAR!

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*
tibbytabu's Raphina gif referenced in this episode!
## References

1. ↑ See episode 298: AS YOU FIIIIISH
2. ↑ Though the group saw either a rabbit or a duck, Will saw a rounded letter M. See episode 305: Zone of Mustard
3. ↑ See episode 304: We Can Get the Cold Mustard Out of the House!
4. ↑ See episode episode 181: All The Diagnoses Are Just Gonna Be Episode Titles for Mo's introduction, and 206: A Duffel Bag of Tootsie Rolls, 226: What CAN'T Will Turn Into? A Pleasant Person? JUST KIDDING! and 241: Raphina Phalange and the Pots for Sheemie's