Sir Jack Dapper

“
Oh, hello. Didn't see you come in. I am Sir Jack Dapper. But, of course, you already knew that.
”

—Sir Jack Dapper, Episode 3

**Sir Jack Dapper** is the mascot of Something Witty Entertainment.

## Appearance

Jack is an elderly gentleman with gray hair and a black handlebar moustache. He wears a black suit, a gray waistcoat, a white shirt, a black bowtie and a gray top hat. He has a monocle that his butler holds for him while he plays with his DSi, but he also has a pair of oval glasses he uses for reading.

## Personality

Jack presents himself as well-spoken posh gentleman, but as soon as he gets drunk it is shown that he's actually a depressed, lonely man who's still getting over his divorce.

He stated that he was raised by his grandmother, implying something happened to his parents, who raised him to not be a "quitter". This results in him not backing down from something, such as when his metaphor to describe Kirito's relationship with the Moonlit Black Cats "broke down".

This persistent attitude led him down a path of self-destruction, as the story left him so depressed it drove him to drink, which in turn caused his persona to disappear and his old wounds show. Judging by his butler Gregory's lack of a reaction, it's possible this happens on a regular basis.

## Differences from the Original

In the original version, there was no narrator for the story of the Moonlit Black Cats. SWE created the idea because they thought it'd be funny to have a traditional Christmas story narrator reacting to how sad the story is.

## Quotes

"*"Our magical journey began in... April..." apparently. That's a bit odd. Guess we're going for a slow burn on this one. Oh well, I can dig it, as the kids would say.*"
—Sir Jack Dapper confused by the story's starting point.

"*Ha ha! What shenanigans. Four people died in that fire... But from the ashes sprouted a powerful friendship. And in time, Kirito found that he could almost tolerate them, much like a fat man tolerates the tapeworms in his intestines. And like those tapeworms, that Guild burrowed deep into his innards and gorged themselves on his leftovers, until they began causing abdominal pain and diarrhoea. I realize the metaphor's breaking down a bit here, but Granny Dapper didn't raise no quitters.*"
—Sir Jack Dapper's narrating style.

"*And so they talked all through the night, and slowly, Kirito began to see the error of his ways. If that seems like a cop-out to you, congratulations! You get a cookie...*"
—Sir Jack Dapper's judgy side.

"*Well... that was grim. But, as with all things, there is always a silver lining. For you see, Kirito still had one friend left with whom he could share his grief. (Turns the page and sees Keita killing himself.) "GYAH!!!" (Skips through the story until it's Christmas.) Christmas! Yay, Christmas! **\*Awkward giggle\*** No one kills themselves on Christmas! **\*Awkward laugh\*** Christ, I need more bourbon...*"
—Sir Jack Dapper getting into the depressing parts of the story.

"*And there, under that frosted fir tree, Kirito spotted the big man himself. Streaking through the snowy sky, on a sleigh full of Christmas cheer, the patron saint of prostitutes... Look it up.*"
—Sir Jack Dapper dropping some knowledge.

"*What the fu-*"
—Sir Jack Dapper upon seeing Nicholas the Renegade.

"*And so they say, Kirito's heart grew* three *sizes that day. Then immediately shrank six, imploding into a black hole from which no love could escape. The End.*"
—Sir Jack Dapper concluding the story.

"*Oh I'm sorry, were you expecting a happy ending? Well I'm afraid the world doesn't work that way bucko. The only thing you can hope for in life is that you make enough money to fill the void left behind by the woman you love when she takes your children to some island in Tahiti with a cabana boy half her* fucking *age. Well look at me now, you harlot. I'm still alone with all my money. God I'm alone.* SO *alone!*"
—Jack drunk.