The Journey So Far/Chapter 5: Year of Pain (2014)

This chapter of my life is not easy to think about, let alone write about. I'm going to give you a warning right now. This chapter is full of dark, mature subjects. I'm not kidding. If sadness, depression, anger, rage, and suicidal thoughts are a trigger for you, please stop reading and move to the next chapter. As I am writing this, I am shaking as I have not had to tap into this time in my life for a long time. I have learned to live with this time in my life and have learned to move past it. For this book, I am having to go back into those thoughts to give you an authentic telling of this year for me. You have been warned.

So, how did the worst year of my life start? Well, first off, my relationship with my ex had the beginning signs of the end. We did the cliché break up, get back together, break up, get back together, and so on. We went from completely loving each other on December 24th, 2012, to not even seeing each other at all on December 24th, 2013. Oh sure, my YouTube channel was still doing great though. The main reason for this was because, at the time, the new American Godzilla movie was coming out. On my channel, I covered the topic a lot, and of course, by doing this, I gained a lot of attention because people wanted to hear my opinion on the matter. The fuel kept the fire burning inside me to keep doing the YouTube thing. Deep down, I truly thought this was what I was meant to do. I hated my ex at this time. I was sad that she didn't support me during this time. I thought she would be proud of me for making something successful on my own. Still, at the end of the day, I was too blind to see the destruction it was causing in my life and our relationship.

From there, things just got worse. We had our final argument and this was the one that ended our relationship for good. We discussed things and hatched it out. Oh, I would like to mention that during the tail end of 2013 and this year, she lived with me and my parents. Yea, how's that for madness? We *"lived together"* and we found out that we were not meant for each other. At the time it was a mutual agreement. I say *"at the time"* for a reason.

There was another day that still haunts my memory. We were in my parents basement and my ex and I were just looking at each other about to close our five-year relationship. She looked at me and gave me her ring back. I took it and just felt numb. The *"best"* part was that her mom, who may I remind you, hated my guts, was there helping her move her stuff out. It was just a mess of a situation. We gave each other one final hug and it was all over in an instant. From there, my life would never be the same and a world of hell was awaiting me. I remember that when she left, I was greeted with silence. I did the obvious thing by going onto my computer and distracting myself with the world of YouTube.

A few days past and I felt fine. The feeling of being single was great...for a moment. Soon after, my family and I went to church on this one Sunday, and during mass, the preacher started talking about the topic of fighting for something you love. I don't remember the exact words he used, but I distinctly remember the speech impacting me to the point of panic. Reality just hit me with what I had done. When church ended, I contacted her. I pleaded for her to take me back. I missed her. Feelings of regret and sadness started to rush into my head. I told her the oldest line in the book. *"Please forgive me! I'll be better! Give me a second chance!"* None of these worked and rightly so. When she hung up the phone, I was left with emptiness. I looked around my room and, as if it was taunting me, my collection of Godzilla merchandise was laughing at me. All I could do was look away in shame. The empire I had built on top of my relationships, family, friends, and health, was mocking me. *"Look at what you have done! You will never love again! You are a loser! You will never feel happy!"* The voices in my head crept in and would stay for a very long time.

This was when my depression began. Every day, I woke up with a sinking feeling of emptiness, self-hatred, and anger. My music choices at the time were not healthy. I listened to metal music that talked about self-harm, suicide, anger, depression, and other negative noise. Now, I love metal like the next guy, but sometimes the type of music you listen to can greatly affect your mood. I would start to cry randomly during the day. Certain things, songs, smells, and movies would trigger happy memories with my ex. Every time I would think of those memories, it would kill me inside.

On top of that, my horrendous addiction to collecting more Godzilla merchandise grew at an exponential rate. Do you know how depressed people over-indulge in eating or drinking? Well, I would over-buy Godzilla figures. Not just any regular figures, oh no, very high-priced collector items that would go for hundreds of dollars. It was the only thing that I felt was filling this hole in my heart, when in reality it was hurting me more and more. Of course, during all this pain, my YouTube channel was STILL rising in sub count and viewers. My channel owned me at this point. Like a battered housewife, I kept coming back for more pain. I thought it was helping. So, with the combination of my addictive collecting and my YouTube channel, I was going down a dark path.

My family noticed I was depressed and I would occasionally call my ex to try and get her back. Every attempt hurt more and more. I would dream about her almost every night. The dreams that hurt the most were the ones when we were a happy couple. The nights were long and my channel was not giving me the solace I was so desperately needing. Then my depression came to a tipping point. I texted my ex one final time to get her to come back. She declined and I remember telling her that she wouldn't hear from me again. She replied asking why. This was a cry for help.

That night, I was in bed and all the chaos was swirling in my head. I couldn't take it anymore. I hated myself. I couldn't stand to look at myself. I remember grabbing my phone and going on Google. I typed in ***"How to kill yourself with no pain"***. This was it. This was the darkest I have ever gotten in my head. I'll admit, it's not the worst a person can do. I didn't have a gun to my head or had a handful of pills ready to ingest, but to me personally, this was rock bottom. As soon as I typed that in, a few seconds passed, and it was as if God himself yelled at me to get off that thing right now! I snapped out of it and threw my phone down. I was shaking, realizing what I had just contemplated. I knew this wasn't me at all. I didn't get much sleep that night. I also didn't release me from my depression. It only made things real for me.

The next day I heard from my mom was notified by my ex that she was worried I was suicidal. So my parents forced me to get a therapist. I went to a few sessions and along with that horrible night and my therapist's advice, I knew what I had to do. I will admit, I never believed in therapy before, but my therapist really helped me get some clarity and I finally began my road to recovery. If all that wasn't enough, my family and I were moving to a new town. We moved to a small town called Dacono. It was about 30 minutes from Longmont. So, not only was I dealing with my demons, but now I had to adjust to a new town. Remember, I had lived in Longmont for my whole life up until this point. It was a major change.

When everything was moved and settled in the new house. I knew I needed to change some things. It was time to try and get my life back together and move on.

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