When Spencer Met Martha

**When Spencer Met Martha** is an episode of Spencer and Fridge.

## Summary

Spencer goes on a supposed date with his love interest Martha Kaply, only to discover he is actually attending a funeral for her pet.

## Script

### Spencer's Good News

*[At their house, the Gilpins are sitting down for dinner, Dad looks beat up and is telling a story as everyone is looking at him]*
**Dad**: And that's why you should never mix Pop Rocks and soda!
**Mom**: Okay... Anyone else have a riveting tale?
**Dad**: I do!
**Mom**: Dad, let's hear from the children.
**Spencer**: Well, Martha asked me out on a date. No biggie.
**Mom**: She did?! That's great news! What did she say?
**Spencer**: Well...
*[Flashback to earlier in the day, in the school hallway]*
**Spencer**: Excuse me, what?!
**Martha**: Do you want to come around to my house this Saturday?
**Spencer**: Me, with you, at your place?
**Martha**: You see, it's...
*[Spencer ignores the rest of what she says as he daydreams about her before cutting back to the present]*
**Spencer**: Yeah, that's about it.
**Mom**: Oh, my little boy is becoming a man!
*[Mom tries to hug Spencer, but he blocks her arms karate style. Eventually, Mom gains the upper hand and ends up hugging Spencer]*
**Spencer**: Mom!
**Fridge**: Man, you're my hero. You're going on this big date and you're not even nervous! I'd be freaking out! I mean think about it, if you blow it, she'll never speak to you again, and you'll be left alone for the rest of your life, and never find happiness!
*[Spencer slightly panics]*
**Mom**: Don't worry sweetie, just be yourself! That's all a girl wants.
**Spencer**: *[Sighs in relief]* Thanks, Mom.
**Mom**: See you after work! *[Walks out of the house, going to work]*
**Spencer**, **Fridge**, and **Ruby**: Bye!
*[Dad laughs]*
**Spencer**: What?
**Dad**: Listen son, ignore everything your mother just said.
**Spencer**: Why?
**Dad**: Look, women only *think* they want us to be ourselves because they don't know how wretched we actually are. What you have to do is think of someone really cool and attractive and *be them!*
**Spencer**: R-Really? B-But, Ruby is this true?
**Ruby**: I'm gonna have to go with Dad on this one. You're kind of a loser, Spencer.
**Dad**: Exactly.
**Ruby**: Sorry.
**Spencer**: What am I gonna do? I really like Martha. I want her to like me too.
**Fridge**: You could start by being romantic, dress up a little, *[Nudges Spencer's face]* find her some presents.
**Spencer**: Well, I can't do any of those things. I don't have any money.
**Dad**: Listen son, you don't need money to show a girl a good time. You think I have money?
**Spencer**: Err... No.
**Dad**: Do you see Mom leaving me?
**Spencer**: Yeah, everyday she goes to work and earn money.
**Dad**: *[Laughing]* There's other ways to get stuff without spending money.
*[Dad comes closer to Spencer]*
**Dad**: Do you want to hear the secrets kept in centuries by Gilpin men?
**Spencer**: I... don't have any choice, do I?
**Dad**: No! Come with me. *[Walks off]*
*[Spencer follows]*
### Shopping

*[Dad walks outside the house with Spencer]*
**Dad**: First things first, we need to get you some nice clothes.
**Spencer**: Yeah, Martha *loves* fashion! That's a great idea!
*[Dad and Spencer arrive at a dump]*
**Dad**: Here we are. The greatest department store in the world, where everything is *[Echoes]* *free!*
*[Camera zooms out, revealing a large dump with a mountain of garbage]*
**Dad**: So anything new? *[Picks up a dirty red coat]* Woo, that's nice.
**Spencer**: What the- You're going to get my date's clothes out of the dump? Oh, man that's gross. *[Shivering]*
**Dad**: I didn't hear you complaining when I gave you that sweater.
**Spencer**: What?! My favorite sweater came out of the dump?!
**Dad**: No! Don't be silly. *[Picks up other things from the dump]* I found it in a sewer outlet.
**Spencer**: Oh, man... I wear this all the time...
### After Shopping

**Dad**: You are gonna look smashing!
**Spencer**: You think so?
**Dad**: Right! You've got the look, but you're gonna need a bit of money in your pocket so you can treat her on the date. And I'm going to show you a great way of getting money for free! *[Shows Mom's credit card]* Behold... the credit card! I simply take this magic card, insert it like so, type in the secret magic number that mom told me, and money comes out of the mouth! It works every ti- *[Sneezes and uses money to wipe his face. He throws it away and gets more money from the machine]* You see? Here you go, son. *[Hands Spencer the money]*
**Spencer**: Awesome.
### Getting Ready

*[Back to the Spencer's bedroom, with romantic music in the background]*
**Spencer**: *[Puts on a tophat]* Hey, hey, beautiful! Oh hey, Martha! I didn't see you there! Yeah, I was just passing by, you know, chillin', with my uh, new hat, heh heh! *[Sing-song voice]* I think I'm ready for my date.
**Ruby**: Are you? Have you even considered how you're gonna behave on this date?
**Spencer**: Yeah. Probably gonna be well behaved.
**Ruby**: I mean like manners and etiquette.
**Spencer**: Uh, uh. *[Ruby grabs him by the collar]* Ah!
### In Ruby's Room

**Ruby**: Start by pouring Ms. Pumpernickel a cup of tea.
**Spencer**: I don't wanna.
**Ruby**: Why?
**Spencer**: 'Cause she's looking at me funny. *[Zooms in on Ms. Pumpernickel's face]* See?
**Ruby**: Spencer, she's a doll. Why don't you try having a civilized conversation with her?
**Spencer**: Alright. So, how was your day Ms. Pumpernickel?
*[Pause]*
**Spencer**: Oh, I see. Too good to talk to me, huh? *[Crying]* You think you're better than me with your fancy little cups and la-di-da friends? Well you know nothing about life, Ms. Pumpernickel! And this is what I do to your fancy china! *[Stomps on a plastic teacup]* Ah! Ah ha! Ah! Ah! AH!
**Ruby**: Spencer, just get out of my room.
### In the Living Room

**Spencer**: Okay, so I'm set: got my look, I know where I'm taking her, I'm ready to go!
**Fridge**: There's one thing you're not ready for...
**Spencer**: What's that?
**Fridge**: This! *[Slaps Spencer]*
**Spencer**: *[Rubbing cheek]* Ow! What was that?
**Fridge**: The unexpected, and *you* weren't prepared for it!
**Spencer**: Oh, uh I-I see what you mean.
**Fridge**: Follow me to the training camp!
**Spencer**: Where?
**Fridge**: Just come to the backyard.
### Training with Fridge

*[Spencer and Fridge are seen in the backyard]*
**Fridge**: You've got to be prepared for anything on this date, because anything can happen.
**Spencer**: Like what?
**Fridge**: What if someone tries to MUG YOU?! *[Stomps on rake; a cardboard drawing of Sal Left Thumb appears]*
**Spencer**: I don't know, call the police?
**Fridge**: *[Imitates a wrong buzzer sound]* Wrong! Knock his block off!
**Spencer**: *[Punches rake lightly]* Like that?
**Fridge**: Uh, that was good, but its better to finish with a wisecrack. Women love that!
**Spencer**: Like what?
**Fridge**: Like... "Welcome to punch town. Population: you."
**Spencer**: Are you sure this is gonna help me with my date?
**Fridge**: Totally.
**Spencer**: Okay...
**Fridge**: *[Stomps on rake with a cardboard drawing of Mr. Fitzgerald]* *[In a deep voice]* Hi, I'm Martha's father and I don't appvrove of you because you don't have any prospects!
**Spencer**: Huah! *[Pushes rake]* I'm sorry daddy, but you're grounded!
**Fridge** *[Stomps on rake with a cardboard drawing of Sebastian Longquin; in a British voice]* Oh, hello, I'm Sebastian Longquin, Martha's successful ex boyfriend.
**Spencer** Huah! *[Pushes rake]* Looks like this ex is catching some z's!
**Fridge**: Is that all you got?! *[Stomps on rake with a cardboard drawing of a angry teddy bear with a broken heart in its chest]* What do you say to someone who doesn't believe in love?
**Spencer**: Huah! *[Grabs and rips the cardboard teddy bear's broken heart]* You don't need that heart!
**Fridge**: Actually, that was a little too extreme, but I'll give you eight out of ten. Good job, soldier.
*[Spencer leaves smiling]*
**Fridge**: *[Sighing]* The hardest part of my job, is watching them leave.
### Ready to Go

*[Outside the Gilpins front yard, Dad, Fridge, and Ruby are looking at Spencer, who is dressed up in a red coat, a top hat, and a cane]*
**Spencer**: So?
**Dad**: Oh son, you look like a million bucks.
**Fridge**: I'm proud of you buddy, did you remember to TAH! *[Attacks Spencer, but he blocks it]* Very good, because I thought you were gonna be SURPRISED! *[Attacks again, but Spencer blocks it again]* Okay, but will you be prepared for THIRD SURPRISE! *[Attacks a third time, Spencer once again blocks it]*
**Spencer**: That one was pretty obvious dude.
**Fridge**: Oh.
**Spencer**: This is gonna be the greatest date EVER!
### Date Time

*[Spencer rings the doorbell and Martha opens the door. Spencer has his back to the doorway and turns to Martha]*
**Spencer**: Hey.
**Martha**: Oh, thanks for coming, Spencer. You look... umm, dressed. I guess you should come in.
**Spencer**: *[Walking into Martha's house]* Well, that's one way to get in the house! *[Chuckles]*
**Martha**: *[Follows Spencer into the house]* Right.
*[Inside Martha's house]*
**Spencer**: Sooo, what do you want to do today?
**Martha**: Today is the funeral.
**Spencer**: *[Shocked, he takes off his hat]* Oh.
**Martha**: For Mr. Cuddles, my pet?
**Spencer**: *[Relieved and puts his hat back on]* Oh, thank goodness I thought it might be a real funeral. *[Chuckles, but notices Martha glaring at him angrily]* I mean, pets-pets are great, like part of the family. So, what happened to him?
**Martha**: My dad flushed him down the toilet by mistake.
**Spencer**: *[Snickers, and clearly tries to resist laughing out loud]* That's terrible. Did it go around and around or straight down?
**Patrick**: Both. I'm Martha's father. *[Tries to shake Spencer's hand]*
**Spencer**: Hi-yah! *[Slaps Patrick's hand away]* Blocked.
**Patrick**: Right. Come to the backyard, the service is about to start.
**Spencer**: *[Sighs]* Martha, I'm sorry. I thought this was a date. Why didn't you tell me this was a funeral?
**Martha**: I did. In the corridor at school.
*[Flashbacks to Elmore Junior High corridor]*
**Martha**: Do you want to come to my house? It's Mr. Cuddles' funeral. I could use some support from a friend.
*[Spencer stares at Martha happily]*
**Martha**: Spencer, are you even listening?
**Spencer**: Errr, this Saturday, 4 PM. It's-It's a date. *[Runs away giggling with his arms waving out]*
*[Flashback ends]*
**Spencer**: Oh, oh... Oh yeah. *[Grabs Martha's hand]* Don't worry, I'm still here for you, Martha.
**Martha**: Thanks, Spencer.
**Spencer**: *[Sees himself holding Martha's hand]* Awesome! ...DAY for remembering... those who have left us. Shall we go? *[Walks away with Martha while putting his hand on his head in disappointment]*
### Mr. Cuddles' Funeral

*[Scene changes to the Fitzgeralds' backyard. It is raining, and Judith is playing the bagpipes while everyone stands in silence]*
**Martha**: Spencer, perhaps you would like to say a few words about Mr. Cuddles.
**Spencer**: Err... of course. *[Walks towards Mr. Cuddles' grave]* Well, Mr. Cuddles was Martha's pet. Even though I never met him, Martha's pretty hot. So I'm sure he was pretty hot too. *[Walks away from Mr. Cuddles' grave]*
**Martha**: Thank you, Spencer. That was really special.
**Polly**: My picture! *[Grabs something]*
**Spencer**: Huh?
**Martha**: My sister made a photo tribute so we can all remember Mr. Cuddles.
**Spencer**: Aww, how thoughtful.
**Polly**: Wanna see?
*[Polly shows Spencer a picture of Mr. Cuddles, a tarantula. As Spencer sees the picture, lightning flashes]*
**Spencer**: Aaaaaaaah! A spider! *[Knocks the picture to the ground]* Knock his block off! *[Starts stomping on the photo]* That's awful! I hate spiders! Who would want something that creepy in their house?! *[Keeps stomping on the picture before realizing it was the wrong thing to do]*
*[Polly starts crying]*
**Patrick**: Listen, son, I think it's best you leave.
**Spencer**: I'll, uh... let myself out. *[Walks away from the Fitzgeralds' backyard]*
**Patrick**: Play on, dear. *[Singing]* *Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes*--
**Spencer**: *[Returns to the scene; Judith stops playing]* Err, sorry. It's me again. Can I use your bathroom? Because it's kind of a long-
**Patrick**: It's the second to the left upstairs.
**Spencer**: Thanks. *[Runs away urgently]*
*[Judith starts playing again]*
**Patrick**: *[Singing]* ​​​​​​*From glen to glen*--
**Spencer**: *[Returns again]* Have a nice funeral!
**Patrick**: Just get the fuck out of here!
### Mr. Cuddles Is Alive

*[Scene changes to outside the Fitzgeralds' bathroom]*
**Spencer**: Aw, man. What is wrong with me? She's never gonna forgive me for that. *[Removes top hat]* I'll spend the rest of my life alone and never find happiness.
*[Spencer lifts up the toilet bowl lid and Mr. Cuddles appears, hissing at Spencer]*
**Spencer**: Aah! A spider! Knock his block off! No wait.
*[Scene changes to the Fitzgeralds' backyard; Spencer is banging on the bathroom window, trying to get the Fitzgeralds' attention]*
**Patrick**: *[Singing]* *But come ye back, When Summer's in the meadow*
**Spencer**: *[Muffled]* Hey!
*[Martha and Polly turn around]*
**Spencer**: *[Muffled]* I found Mr. Cuddles! He's on the toilet!
**Polly**: Is he trying to say something?
**Spencer**: *[Pointing at the toilet]* *[Muffled]* He's on the toilet! Look! The... toilet!
**Patrick**: *Or when the valley's*-*[Spoken]* Just ignore him! *[Continues singing]*
*[Scene cuts back in the bathroom]*
**Spencer**: *[Sighs]* I guess I'll have to show them. Come here, little fella.
*[Spencer's voice distorts to what Mr. Cuddles is hearing as a closeup of Mr. Cuddles' eyes is shown]*
**Spencer**: Who's a good spider? *[Reaches his hands out to grab Mr. Cuddles]* Who's a lovely little spider?
*[The camera changes back to normal]*
**Spencer**: Oh good boy, Mr.-- *[Mr. Cuddles jumps onto his face]* AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!
*[Lightning strikes]*
*[Scene changes to outside the bathroom window]*
**Spencer**: Get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off! Aaah! Aaah! Aaaaaaaah! *[Jumps out of bathroom window]*
*[Spencer then runs across the Fitzgeralds' backyard, slams into the fence, then grabs a shovel and repeatedly hits his face, with Mr. Cuddles still on it]*
**Martha**: *[Gasps and turns to look]*
**Patrick**: *[Spoken]* Don't look! You'll just encourage him! *[Continues singing]*
*[Spencer then runs across the Fitzgeralds' backyard again, then starts rubbing his face on the dirt]*
**Spencer**: *[Pulls Mr. Cuddles off his face]* Ah ha! *[Mr. Cuddles bites Spencer's hand]* Ow! *[Throws Mr. Cuddles away]*
*[Martha then catches Mr. Cuddles, and everyone stops singing]*
**Martha**: *[Squeals as Mr. Cuddles hits her head, then she catches him]* Mr. Cuddles? You're back! I thought you're gone forever! *[Hugs Mr. Cuddles]*
*[The rain stops, the day turns sunny. All of the Fitzgeralds are smiling at Spencer]*
**Polly**: Where did you find him?
**Spencer**: *[Panting]* In the toilet somewhere.
**Martha**: Spencer, this is amazing!
**Spencer**: *[Panting]* Oh, yeah yeah, it's great.
**Patrick**: Son, I stand corrected. I thought you were a good-for-nothing young troublemaker. But no, you--
**Spencer**: *[Panting]* Yeah whatever. One question, is that spider poisonous? 'Cause it just bit me.
**Patrick**: Yeah, but it's like a bee sting. You'd have to be bit like a hundred and fifty times for it to be dangerous.
**Spencer**: Okay, thanks. If you'll excuse me, I'll... go now. *[Turns around to reveal a couple of bite marks on the back of his head and back]* Bye.
*[The Fitzgeralds then watch Spencer walking away slowly. Spencer pauses for a moment, drops to his knees, and falls flat on the ground, unconscious]*
### Mr. Cuddles Is "Sorry"

*[Scene changes to the hospital, where Spencer is slowly regaining his consciousness]*
**Ruby**: Argh, he looks real bad.
**Fridge**: Disgusting.
**Mom**: He looks awful!
**Dad**: *[Sadly and tearfully]* He'll never play the clarinet again...
*[Spencer is then revealed with large swellings all over his body, and has regained his consciousness]*
**Mom**: Shh shh shh, he's waking up!
**Dad**: *[Nervous laugh]* Looking good, champ!
**Mom**: Someone's here to see you honey!
**Martha**: Hi, Spencer.
**Spencer**: *[Moans]* *[Muffled voice]* Hey, Martha.
**Martha**: I brought someone here along who wants to say sorry. *[Shows Mr. Cuddles on her hands]* Right, Mr. Cuddles?
*[Mr. Cuddles hisses at Spencer. The screen freezes as he jumps towards Spencer, while everyone gasps in shock. The episode ends]*