Hiram

**Hiram Lamont Forsythe Carjimbo** was a former Commodore in the Multiversal Concordat Fleet, an ex-member of UNCUL, and the leader of a small band that put up the first resistance against Xanos. Hiram was a veteran of many battles, and was friends with several important figures such as Mike Pence, Nicolas Gregigan, and Melantha Chuntus. During the Battle of Aldodundis Hiram did it to Ichabod Chuntus, and shattered the Language Stream in two. However, he also saved Christmas, so it balanced out in the end.

## Early Life

Hiram was born 1 million years ago into the line of Carjimbo, an esteemed noble house in concordat universe 1, which has control over the Zerkunstal Galaxy, which neighbors the D'Challan Galaxy. Hiram's full name given at birth was **The Right Honorable Captain-Lord 23rd Class Hiram Lamont Hofstadtler-Wergendorff Forsythe Orgogaven Yarkutsky Carjimbo XIII, Consecrated in the Blooms of the Rose Petals of our Bejeweled System, Ten Thousand Blessings Upon His Name**. This is too long, so he usually shortens it. Hiram was a designer-child, born to human parents but with Collared Peccary DNA grafted into his chromosomes. Technically, this makes Hiram intersex, kind of.

In the early part of his life, Hiram lived in the lap of luxury on the palace of the city planet called Planet Carjimbo. Hiram was third in line to succeed to the Satrapy, so his entire life was meant to prepare for the unlikely but possible event of his rulership. He learned the high arts: Art, Music, Philosophy, and Quimbus. He had his every need tended to and had a retinue of 1000 servants wholly dedicated to keeping him relaxed and happy. However, after 100,000 years, he wondered what existed outside the confines of the palace. After much work, he convinced a servant to let him outside the palace, where he saw an old person, a sick person, and a corpse. This made him realize the outside world was fucking metal, and he wanted to see more of it. Hiram immediately sent an application to the Concordat Star-Navy.

## UNCUL

After 10,000 years of bureaucratic processing and testing, the Concordat Eunuchs assigned Hiram to work in UNCUL. UNCUL was a secretive organization started by the Drak in order to pull some cointelpro type shit on the Concordat populace, but by the time Hiram joined, it was more like a fun spy movie organization that accepted many different species. Hiram, with his relative ignorance about the world, provided a fresh perspective to investigations, and his loose grasp on the concept of mortality gave made him adept at staying cool under pressure. However, he also didn't understand the concept of secrecy at this point, leading to his nickname becoming "the man from UNCUL."

### The Harmonized Cyborg Incident

Hiram would achieve great acclaim for his solving of the Harmonized Cyborg Incident. During the 9089090th Ministerial Succession Consortium, A group of Harmonized Cyborgs took the entire consortium of government eunuchs hostage. They stated that they were carrying out a coup, and that Harmonized Cyborgs, who had used technology to align their chakras, were the natural masters of society. Hiram and his then-partner Zorglio infiltrated the Ministry of Everything building on D'Challan, and freed the eunuchs, which included a young Aldor Zenquinius. In the course of their wacky hijinks in escorting the eunuchs to safety, Hiram found out that the Harmonized Cyborgs just all accendentally pirated Sony Vegas without a VPN and got a virus that made them act weird. The Cyborg leader, Dr. Cyborn, apologized to the Eunuchs, and it all worked out in the end.

Hiram went on many other adventures, including "The Case of the Inverted Frog," "Red Skelton's Treasure," and "The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." During these escapades he met 78E-KV Mike Pence, also an agent of UNCUL at the time.

## Star-Navy Commander

As the Chuntus Rebellion grew to a fever-pitch, Hiram and Pence recieved the order that UNCUL was too silly for wartime, and had to be disbanded. All personnel in UNCUL were given posts in the Star-Navy, and Hiram became a Captain. Hiram solved the Chuntus crisis by doing it to 'em and collabing with Nicolas Gregigan on inventing and saving christmas. He was promoted to commodore for his efforts. He then worked with Pence and Melantha Chuntus to do something about the Xanos Crisis, which threatened to tear apart the Concordat itself.