The Religion of Shrekism

## Information

### Origins

Shrekism began 07/06/2023, Alastair was enlightened while farming onions, after being struck by lightning in the full moon.

Shrekism re-emerged in the lands of Vereinte Mächte, Arkraxia; Alastair was tending to the hens and sheep of the farm, gathering onions. Suddenly, a streak of fiery white lighting struck upon him and he saw the visions of past times and future beginnings. He was enlightened. Alastair was awakened, seeing the creations of the Ogrelord, Shrek; the beauty and tranquillity of this vision caused Alastair to fall on his knees and weep teers of joy, soon the voice of Shrek was heard, saying: "I was cast from my throne, but you have been chosen as my Esper. you are the one to set us all free, Shrek is love, Shrek is life." After hearing this Alastair told the other Elder Council members, enlightening them too and claiming them into this new order.

## **The Holy Onion Bible**

**Shreksisis**

In the beginning, there was only darkness.

A disturbance came upon the darkness. It was Shrek.

He yelled "Let there be layers"

And there were layers. The universe fell into its place as Shrek made the earth and the sky.

As the earth’s crust begun to assemble, swamps appeared. The first layer had been made, and others formed below it.

Onions sprouted from the ground. Yet again came another disturbance, several swamps started to dry and cities appeared. One of the layers fell. The fallen layer's leader, called Lord Farquaadist, is the fallen layer. The Ogrelord drove the fallen layer back into the center of the onion, where it became the root of all sin. In compensation for his mistake of sin, our ogrelord gifted man free will.

**Half Star.**

But man, gifted his free will, did not all follow the word of the Ogrelord. Eventually Shrekism was exiled as the true religion and Christianity took it's place. Our ogrelord was outraged at man's transgressions, and he roared a mighty roar. "WAHT ARE YA DOIN IN MER SWAMP" and he called upon a massive wave of his sweet onion sauce to flood the land. The race of evil non-believers was swept from the land, and Shrek's holy love was given upon his disciples.

**Shrexodus**

Farquaadist ruled the underlayer with much discontent, and he was driven mad by the power of the eternal onion. Faarquadist wanted to overthrow the ogrelord, and would stop at nothing to do so. The dark lord came up from the center and stole the disciples of Shrek in the night, taking them captive in the underlayer for ransom. “MA SWAMP” yelled our ogrelord as he knew what had conspired; “MA SWAMP HAS BEEN VIOLATED BY TE DARK LORDS!” Our lord roared a mighty roar and called upon his angels to descend from the skies and rain hell upon the underlayers and liberate his disciples from the clutches of evil. His angels came upon an army of anti-shreks, and there was a great battle. They fought for 40 days and 40 nights, and finally the fighting stopped. Emerging from the dust was Shrek in his physical form as he roared a mighty roar at Lord Faarquadist: WHAT ARE YE DOIN IN MA SWAMP!!” Our lord battled Lord Faarquadist for yet another 40 days and 40 nights in the most epic battle in shrekstory. Shrek liberated his disciples and left Lord Faarquadist to wallow in his defeat. The Shrek disciples praised shrek, and they please him with their bodies. Shrek was grateful for the pleasure, and in turn granted us the wonder of the 10 shrekmandments.

I am the Lord your God: you shall have no other gods but me.

You shall not make for yourself any idol.

You shall not dishonour the name of the Lord your God.

Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.

Honour your father and mother.

You shall not commit murder.

You shall not commit adultery.

You shall not steal.

You shall not be a false witness.

You shall not covet anything which belongs to your neighbour.

**All star**

Shrek spoke of a mortal woman with the name of Fiona to be conceived to the virgin donkey. On the fifth day after the flood, Shrek came down in his earthly form and approached the frail donkey. "You will conceive my holy Wife, virgin Donkey." And as it was spoken, nine months later the virgin Donkey birthed a strong baby, who was called Fiona. Shrek returned to earth and touched the baby, and instantly the youngling turned to a full grown ogre woman, and the Shreksorcist was created. Fiona was destined to live beside the ogrelord as his wife.

**Shrekelations**

For thousands of years the people revolted against the ogrelord, rejecting his teachings and turning to other religions. As what has been spoken, the four horsemen of the shrekoning will come forth upon this mortal universe and wreak destruction and havoc among many worlds. One third of every resource shall be turned to sweet and salty onion sauce, all four horsemen of the apocalypse, Puss, Fiona, Lady Dragon, and Prince Charming shall rain hell upon the land. Hairballs shall reign eternally and a third of the non-believers shall die of famine and drowning in hairballs and onion sauce. And after 40 days of torment, the sinners shall have one chance to repent their sins and join the ogrelord in his eternal swamp before the earth falls to Shrek's sweet love. Every man and woman must chant the holy prayer of Shrek: "I am a child of the swamp, I stand before the Might of the Ogrelord and repent my sins. Everything I own is now the Ogrelord's. I surrender my body for Shrek's pleasure. Shrek is love. Shrek is life."