Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives - A Lost Episode

Made on August 13, 2020

Who in here is in the know about the Guy Fieri series, Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives? I mean, everyone is in the know about the show, so why did I ask you to begin with? Well there was an episode that was banned from the airwaves for being "either too disjointed, wrongfully unorthodox or just downright offensive." I can speak for myself, because I was at a Pawn shop the other day just to buy a random VHS tape; probably typical 80s Hollywood film fare like Back to the future, The Terminator, or Stand by Me; just to name a few; only because I remembered that I owned a VCR for almost two decades and some change give or take. As I walked through the VHS aisle... well, it's hard to believe but a VHS copy written in Impact font was, "DINERS, DRIVE-INS AND DIVES: THE NEVER BEFORE SEEN LOST EPISODE," plus a subtitle describing said lost episode, "World renown host Guy Fieri goes berserk in this episode never before seen on your TV's. If you watch this, there's a good speculation why this was banned. You have been warned."

So I bought the tape for $1.42; not a bad deal, it could've been a lot worse. ...oh dear that statement is going to bite me in the ass as I write down the rest of this story. Just keeping my fingers crossed. ...but I'm already dead inside as is. And so I drove my 1989 Chevy Chevelle back to my $76,000-month apartment. I put the tape in my VCR and turned on the TV. Secret decode ring- by the time the video played, my expectations for the lost episode being actually mildly entertaining were lower than rock bottom. (sigh)

The episode started with Guy Fieri looking at the camera describing to us - the viewers at home - what the following episode is going to be about. Something about him was a lot more unkempt than I thought. I mean, okay yeah he talks about the restaurant he's going to - but it seems off. First he sounded a lot more aggressive as if he was speaking fast while shouting as loud as he can; his head was ready to explode by that point; and then when he talks about the restaurant he's going to - well, it was frightening - he talked about going a mysterious restaurant located at Columbine High School in Colorado called, "CLINTON'S DINER INN." I was in for a long haul - I was scared; I tried hugging my Super Mario Plush and my Sheriff Woody doll- the intro played but the audio was interrupted by Guy quickly rambling about America's government conspiracies. The ramble became quicker and louder as if this was more of a morbid version of Metallica's "One." Coincidentally there was a glimpse picture of Guy Fieri looking like Rodney King after he was beaten ; only more off the 1991 videotape where Rodney King gets beat up by police.

After the shocking-all-of-a-sudden intro, the episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives began with Guy lecturing the following, "We all remember the 4/20 shooting. Well do you? It was more of a conspiracy theory caused by the American government, and that's why I will show everyone proof about the two shooters that killed so many students as I; here at Colorado; will take you inside of the high school to show you a dining place, Clinton's Diner Inn. I will prove all of you fuckers that tragedies are nothing more than inside jobs. Somebody's an alien. What a shitload of fuck." I got scared; him preaching about government conspiracy theories? This is Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives; like since when did he turn into an English John Oliver? Oh by the way; fear the globalists everyone, they'll turn these fucking' rats gay - like what the hell is wrong with this episode!?!

When he walks into the high school; you can see raining spaghetti as he takes a bite of the pasta. "You could say that it tastes a little disheveled." Fieri said looking at the camera as if he was trying to make some kind of worst pun. I wasn't even laughing! In the next scene his eyes became bloodshot as we hear what sounded like Gay Luigi saying, "IT'S A FUCKING SPAGHETTI." The camera pans into Fieri's eyes in the most uncomfortable way possible. I guess the episode was trying to be like Aeon Flux given the blinking eye look - but a lot more chaotic (trust me, the lost episode of Aeon Flux gets a little horrifying as is). Like I'm not falling for this. I'm not falling down. I don't dig or bury myself everything that I am. During Fieri's walk, I could see some guy who appeared to be Trip Larsen. He was flying around wearing a pig costume while everything unfolds while saying "EA Sports It’s in the game" out loud. You can hear distorted sounds of ominous organ playing a snippet of "It Is A Mystery" off of Class key Chew Poe favorite song.

After all of that, the scene abruptly cuts back to normal like all of this never happened, as Guy finally arrives to Clinton's Diner Inn. Bill Clinton (yes...the real one) was the owner of that restaurant as he offers him a taste of the United Burger full with country goodness and green pea-ness. The actual ingredients for pain. He tasted it and he faints. A sound of shooting can be heard straight out of nowhere. Shocking enough, it was actually located a few doors by my apartment. (gasp) Oh my god, I see some students running out of the building! And the Columbine High School. There was a massacre!

Now Guy Fieri kicked the door to my apartment and ran up to me and asked, "Is there a good reason why you're watching this lost episode?" Wait, Guy? You!?! I was puzzled. All of this was actually happening while I was watching this tape? He then asked, "How was the cake?" I... I don't remember baking a cake. I don't even remember going to the store to buy some fresh baked apple pie. "Wait a minute," I thought to myself, "how does he know about my cakes?" "Don't fuck around, Johnny! If that's your real name!" Wait, how does he know my name was Logan? Not related to Johnny Soprano- but Logan Paul! The internet's busiest video faggot?? Does he know me? I tried to fit the puzzles in my head - turns out Guy Fieri used to be a grocery store clerk that I worked with a long time ago, and for years he wanted to know what the cake tastes like cause he never tasted a cake before. He explained the reason why he had success as a reality TV show restauranteur and how he ended up becoming a conspiracy theorist in the one episode I was watching at that moment. He then concluded by asking me a favor. "Can I have that delicious vanilla cake?" It all hit me, I had the vanilla cake locked away in my abandon fridge years and years ago. I tried finding it, and sheer luck; the fridge was in the basement. I gave him the cake and he took a bite. "Now, how was the cake?" I asked him. The answer-

"It was like eating a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich- that McDonald’s location was also located at Columbine High School."

...THE END