Anger and Denial Story Arc

ANGER AND DENIAL STORY ARC

(Extracted from Wildflowers Manga Panels #83 - #153)

(Story Note---This story arc will end with an *attempted* suicide. **READER DISCRETION IS STRONGLY ADVISED !!!**)

Tony's feverish, confused, and unsettled mind has created a spark of denial about being born perceived as a male, but actually with a female Gender Identity. That spark has ignited a small candle flame in his mind, and is the genesis of a growing self-denial about actually being a girl. Tony begins to try and justify his masquerading illusion of being a male by attempting to reject and oppose the girl inside. Will that candle flame of self-denial grow to a pilot light ? A campfire ? A bonfire ? A grass fire ? A forest fire........ ???

The next weekend, Tony, Mitch, and Lexi spend time together hanging out and having fun. That evening after dark, Mitch exits the group, leaving Tony and Lexi by themselves under a streetlight. Lexi then 'cuts to the chase', by confronting Tony with pointed questions. Where is your REAL school uniform (the girl's uniform)? Why do you hate Vic ? Why do you refuse to talk to me or Mitch about any of your internal problems ? I'm your friend; tell me everything ! So the 'red flag of deception' inside Tony's mind begins to wave back and forth, as his anger ignites and his self-denial kicks in---

"They did give me a girl's school uniform, like you guessed. No, I haven't put it on. I bike for every minute I have to spare so as to kill that urge to do so. Wearing that girl's uniform won't "fix" me. If I put on girl's clothes, that won't make me a real girl. It will only make me a cross-dressing FREAK ! Doing that will only make everything so much worse. I can resist this clothing curse. I can beat it ! I won't let myself become rotten. I would rather exhaust myself physically, rather than justify that kind of perversion in my own head."

The rest of the evening and night came off to Tony as a surreal, bizarre, psychedelic, and unfathomable dream, although he was supposedly awake. He doesn't even remember coming home and getting into bed. Did Lexi help him do that ? However, at 7AM the next morning, Tony finds himself wide awake in his bed, as he has been for hours on end, eyes all bloodshot, t-shirt soaked in sweat, and just as upset and confused as ever.

The next weekend, Lexi invites Tony to accompany her to the mall for some serious shopping. And by the way, there will be two of Lexi's intimate girl friends who will meet us there. At the mall, Lexi introduces Tony to Joanie, the tall gal, and Sophie, the sporty girl. Joanie wants to know why a boy was invited to a girl's day out ? Lexi explains that Tony is probably a boy on the outside but a girl on the inside, although lately he has been denying that. The whole day was actually kind of fun, Tony admits to himself. Fun, until the girls want Tony to hang with them for the evening, as an all-girl blast. Tony objects, saying that you girls know that I can never be.....that.....you know.....a real girl.....no matter how much I may want to ! Tony ups and leaves, leaving the girls to ponder what is really going on inside of him ?

A week or so later, Lexi invites Tony to her home, to meet her parents. The family is quite well off. Lexi is an only child; her father is a general practice doctor, and her mother is a psychotherapist. When Tony arrives, only the parents are home, Lexi is out doing something. The parents introduce themselves to Tony, and explain a little bit about themselves and their professional practices. A little later, Lexi and Sophie arrive, so the parents leave to take care of some personal business, leaving Lexi, Sophie, and Tony alone in the house. Eventually, Sophie announces to Tony that a party has been planned in his honor, hosted by students from both schools that competed at the recent swim meet where Tony did a 'blow out' win for the swim team that he belongs to. The party will be this evening, at the house of a senior from our school. For some unexplained reason, this does not sit well with Tony. He becomes quite agitated, and ends up locking himself in the spacious downstairs bathroom to be alone for a while.

After about an hour, the two girls talk to Tony through the closed door of the bathroom, and he finally agrees to come out. When he does, he is angry, upset, and begins talking somewhat incoherently---

"This isn't you fault, girls. I'm the messed up one, so it must be my fault. Fault or not, I'm not going to be thought of as one of those damn monster drag queens who look and act so goofy and freaky. I can beat this ! I refuse to allow thoughts about being.....anything but a guy. ANYTHING. BUT. A. GUY. !!! Screw this ! I'm not going to any stupid party. Not when Vic is going to be there......."

And with that, Tony storms out of the house, leaving the two girls on their own. Later, in the early evening, Mitch calls Tony to see if it is true that he is not coming to his own party ? It's true, parties are just not Tony's thing. Turns out that Mitch was not going to go, so the two friends spend most of the evening on the top of a hill overlooking the city, just talking and 'shooting the bull'.

Over the next several days and weeks, Tony has a lot of trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. He always has bad dreams, usually in his dreams he is a cute teenage girl who is having a lot of stress and unwanted attention by nasty-minded boys. As time goes by, Tony looks and acts like 'death warmed over', and can't do or concentrate on anything at school, or elsewhere. Eventually, he is sent to Dr. Dan Bernt, Lexi's father, who is an MD. Dr. Bernt listens to Tony's sleeping dilemma, and then gives Tony a prescription for sleeping pills. Unfortunately, Tony, thinking 'the more the merrier', consumes two weeks of sleeping pills within five nights, plus one night he becomes angry and punches a hole in the wall of his bedroom, injuring his hand. Not good ! Not good at all ! Tony returns to seeing Dr. Dan Bernt, who treats his hand (it wasn't broken), but when he finds out that Tony took all the sleeping pills already, he hands Tony off to Dr. Julie Bernt, the psychotherapist.

Tony begins regular mental therapy with Dr. Julie Bernt. However, daily troubles continue to assault Tony. He does well in school and in the pool, but his mind is still really screwed up, mostly over gender issues. One day Tony is invited over to visit the Bernts, Dan, Julie, and Lexi. Not as a professional session, but just as a social get together. Tony enjoys the company, but it does nothing to lift his spirits or make him feel better about himself. One evening, the Sunday after Canadian Thanksgiving, Tony and Lexi are at her home, and end up talking about Tony's slide downward emotionally and socially. During the conversation, Lexi asks Tony if he plans on being angry and upset for the rest of his life ? Tony says that may be the only option. Lexi counters with the thought that there are always other choices and options in life. This simple statement sticks with Tony in his mind, and soon he begins to form an option for himself that he never had considered before. An option that would be very dangerous, risky, and unsustainable.

Next day, again at the Bernt's house, Tony tells Lexi that he has made a choice, because the way that he has been living is no way for him to live. Tony does not reveal what that choice was. During the next professional session with Dr. Julie Bernt, Tony confirms that he has made a choice about life, but again is vague and secretive about what it is. And so Tony begins 'setting the stage' for what he is going to do about his decision concerning his miserable life. At school, he asks if he can take the mid-term exams ahead of time ? The school says yes, and he aces the tests over a period of two sessions in one day. This means that Tony does not have to attend school at all until the beginning of the new year semester. When done, Tony only goes home and stares at the girl's school uniform that he has been keeping in his possession. The next day of swim practice, Tony tells Vic the captain that his life is about to change, but that won't happen until the 31th, the night of Halloween. Change how ? Tony doesn't say. After swim practice, he goes home and stares at the girl's school uniform that he now keeps at the foot of his bed. Next Tony gives his winter coat away to Mitch, saying that he is not going to be needing it. That weekend, Tony treats Lexi, Sophie, and Mitch to dinner at a nice restaurant, saying that he will pick up the entire tab. Just to be nice, mind you. He later tells Lexi privately that he has 'big plans' for Halloween night.

Tony's preparations for the 'big night' continue. After the next swim practice, Vic, the swim team captain, shares a pizza with Tony. There will be a swim competition the day before Halloween, and Vic invites Tony to a real 'kick-butt' party the night of Halloween. Tony declines, saying that he has another 'stupid idea' for the night, and that Vic is not to worry, he will not miss Tony at all. A couple of nights later, Tony and Sophie spend time playing video games. Tony comments to Sophie that he had sorta of a 'girl-crush' on her when he first met her. Next evening, Tony invites Ron, the gay friend, to a taco eating dinner feast. Tony reveals to Ron that he recently has made a rather long-term decision, and that a new speculative paradigm has entered his mind. And that decision is a doozy ! Ron is completely baffled as to what Tony is talking about.

The following weekend, Tony is invited to go with Lexi and Sophie to pick out Halloween costumes. Tony goes with them, except he declines buying a costume. Instead, he goes to the mall barber and has all of his hair cut off. Now a real baldy, the two girls hardly recognize Tony. He explains that this look is his 'new slate' mood, and being bald is manly as hell ! He goes on to say that he is starting fresh, and that his decision was much easier than he expected it would be. Tony says that he just wants to be......happy. He is scared, but ready for what is to happen. This is a fitting start to a new life. Odd, though, to think that it begins with violence without, and ends with peace within. To go to one's destiny with open arms!

The next Tuesday Tony meets with Dr. Julie Bernt for his regular therapy session. The doctor takes note of Tony's stark baldness. Tony mentions that a personal acknowledgement sometimes goes hand-in-hand with a physical presentation. Like what ? Tony says that he has been working with an issue, and has reached a finality. And the issue is hyper-masculinity ? No. Dr. Bernt asks Tony if he is dealing with gender issues ? Tony goes to leave, saying that question is as devastating as it is irrelevant. He continues saying that after Halloween, he will not need any more sleeping pills, and we will not need to see each other any more. Tony thanks Dr. Bernt for everything, as he slides out the door.

Three days before Halloween, that evening Tony invites Sophie on a date. Sophie goes all out to look nice; a pure white dress blouse with a black necktie, a black short, tight-fitting pencil skirt, gray tights, and low heeled ankle boots. The two engage in Sophie's most pleasurable pastime---miniature golf ! Afterward, the two dine in a fancy restaurant. Why all the attention wonders Sophie ? Tony only says that he wanted to leave her with a few good memories that can never be taken away. The next day is spent by Tony playing video games with Mitch and Ron. He loses miserably, and gives away the game cartridge to Mitch, saying that he is not going to be playing video games anymore.

The day before Halloween, Tony has a serious discussion with Lexi. Alone, the two friends compare notes. Tony tells Lexi that he has not been able to make sense of anything lately, and ended up taking his frustration out on her. Tony apologizes, although Lexi says that he never has to do that regarding gender issues. Tony says that he is dedicating himself to something that is huge and unknowable. He is scared, because he is facing it alone. He wants Lexi to know that it probably will not end well, however, she can't blame herself, because she tried to help all along. Tony then gives Lexi two items. First, his backpack, telling her not to open it until the night of Halloween. Second, a golden necklace that his grandmother had given to him, telling him to give it to a worthy girl. So Tony gives the necklace to Lexi, the first girl ever that he had a date with. She accepts the necklace, and begins to cry.

The afternoon of this day was the swim competition. The team did really well, thanks to Vic and Tony acing the individual contests. After the swim meet, Tony hugs everyone, saying that he is outta here, as tomorrow is going to be really 'something else' ! Tony goes outside to his favorite hill overlooking the city. There, he stares at the stars on this perfectly clear and cool night. Tony is now alone and completely free.

The next day, Halloween, in the early evening, Julie is helping Lexi change into her holiday costume; an authentic white robed angel, complete with real wings and a glowing gold halo. Julie notices that Lexi is wearing a beautiful necklace, and wants to know where she got it ? Tony gave it to her ! When Lexi is all dressed and ready to head out to a costume party, Julie reminds her that Tony told her to open the backpack this evening. Oh, yes ! They both open the backpack, only to find Tony's female school uniform inside. What the....??? They lay the uniform on Lexi's bed. Julie says that she doesn't 'get it'. Lexi says that she doesn't 'get it' either, except that Tony told her that he was going to 'change everything' this evening.

It takes a few moments for everything to sink in. But when it does, it is as if a ticking time bomb has gone off inside Lexi's mind. Her eyes grow wide, her face becomes ashen, as the look and feel of absolute horror and terror begins to contort her face and spreads throughout her entire body. Lexi begins quivering, and her mouth moves trying to speak, but no words will come out. Finally, she screams at the top of her voice---

***"MOMMIE !!! I KNOW WHAT TONY IS GOING TO DO !!! WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING RIGHT NOW !!! "***

Lexi was the first to figure out all that Tony has been saying and doing, leading up to this night of Halloween. Lexi knew, even better than Tony, that Tony was probably born a perceived male with a female Gender Identity. He was 'male on the outside', that is his body was physically male, but he was 'female on the inside', with a mind and heart that have been operating with cross-purposes regarding gender concerns. Tony, becoming more and more upset and angry with himself, and in order to gain supposed relief regarding his gender dilemma, began to suppress the female part of himself. This by denying the female heart altogether, and propping up the male mind and ego that at best was only a vane, hollow, and fake masquerade all along. But doing this kind of denial only lead to anger, frustration, and thoughts of suicide. The decision that Tony had come to, unworkable and unsustainable as it was, was to attempt to kill the girl part of himself, while (wrongly) thinking that he could somehow survive and protect the boy part of himself. Tonight, the night of Halloween, Tony was going to try and commit suicide, but supposedly only upon the girl part........but suicide never works that way........

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

At home in his bedroom, lying on his back in bed, Tony is quiet and still. He seems to be sleeping, albeit a deep, dark, motionless, dreamless sleep. His one arm is at his side, whereas his other arm and hand are outstretched and leaning on a small nightstand that is next to his bed. On the nightstand, next to his open hand, is three empty prescription pill bottles.

Although Tony has sank into a coma-like condition, he is still very slowly breathing weak and shallow breaths. His body has shut down, yet his mind, as it has been doing for quite some time now, will not shut down. This is why Tony could never get any peaceful sleep over the last several months. And now his mind is carrying on a slow, long, drawn-out conversation with himself---(Tony's male dominated mind and body will be shown in "regular text". Tony's female dominated heart and spirit will be shown in *"Italicized text".*)

*Tony ?*

Ugg.....just let me sleep a little longer.

*Tony, you can't sleep any more.*

But I'm so tired. My eyes are so heavy.

*You need to wake up. They're going to be calling for you. Time to go.*

I.....Why can't I open my eyes ? I feel like I'm drowning......

*It's from all the pills. You need to fight, Tony, fight hard to wake up.*

The pills ? What pills ? Oh...those...yea...oh no ! NO ! NO ! **NO !!!** YOU, THE GIRL, YOU WEREN'T SUPP0SED TO WAKE UP!

*You aren't awake yet. You have to hold your head above water.*

No...no...no...oh no...oh no...You're not supposed to be here. Girl, you're supposed to be.....dead.

*You can't die yet, Tony.*

Why not ? Give me ONE good reason that I have to live.

*Because we both deserve to live.*

The deal was that if I do this.....ugh.....I'm so fuzzy.

*Stay with it, Tony. Stay right here.*

....if I did this, if the girl died, I would be redeemed. The godz, and everyone else, wouldn't hate me...and I....

*Tony, you aren't evil.*

Then why won't death come to me ? Ugh....I'm so tired....

*WAKE UP !!!*

I don't want to fight anymore....I just want....to be happy....why am I wet ?

*I'm crying. The girl is crying.*

(Lexi's weak, pale voice is heard in the very distant background, "Tony....Tony, if you can hear me, wake up, Tony, PLEASE !!!")

She (Lexi) wasn't supposed to.....how did....oh no....No ! **NO !!!** I can't move my arms. I need to tell her that I'm okay (???). If I can only hug her....

*You have to try.*

My chest is really tight. I .... I'm drowning.....in my own blood, sweat, and tears.....I'm so tired.....

*Tony, NO ! Tony, you have to try !*

I think I'll just go back to sleep.....peaceful sleep.....eternal sleep......

(He's stopped breathing.....TONY ! BREATHE !)

Lexi.....stop crying, please.

*The only way to do that is to wake up, Tony. Just wake up.*

Why didn't you, the girl, just die ? That was the deal.

*Because we both deserve to live.*

Why do you keep saying **we** ? And why am I so heavy ?

*Fight through the fog. Together.*

Who.....who really are you ?

*You know who I am. I've always been here. I'm you. The....other you....the girl you.*

YOU ! You are the reason that I am laying here dying.

*YOUR ARE NOT DEAD ! NOT YET ! YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE !*

Not if it means that you also get to live, girl. They hate you. I hate you. The godz hate you. No part of you can be allowed to exist.

*But Tony....I am you. I have always been you.*

Then I hate myself ? Is that it ? I hate what you are supposed to be. That you think I can be some....some freak of nature !

*If you hate me, the girl, so much, why are you, the boy, trying so hard to hold on ? If we die, we die together.*

Because......because I......want to.....

*Because we both deserve to live.*

(HE'S BREATHING AGAIN !)

I want to wake up now. For.....for her (Lexi).

*What about for us ?*

Us....we....if you, the girl, exist, don't I, the boy, have to die anyways ? How can we both exist ?

*I've always been here, and you've always been alive. We aren't actually against each other. We are the same.*

I'm.....I'm scared ! I can't....I can't be you. What if....

*What if ? If you don't wake up, there are no 'what if's'. There is nothing. Only eternal unconsciousness, six feet under....*

I.....I want to wake up. I don't want 'nothing'. I want life.

*Even if I'm part of it ?*

(MOMMIE ! HE IS WAKING UP !)

Yes, even if you are part of it.

*Understand that I, the girl, will be calling the shots and running the show from now on.....*

If you say so....

*Then let's open our eyes. Together.*

(The End of the Anger and Denial Story Arc)

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

Click on the Picking Up the Pieces Story Arc to be taken to the next story arc.