5 O'Clock

*Todd plays "5 O'Clock" on his piano.*

***T-PAIN ft. WIZ KHALIFA - 5 O'CLOCK
A pop song review***

**Todd**: Okay, um...okay. So I try to be my own original guy, but...well, let's face it. I do issue some pretty cliche complaints fairly often. I laugh at *[clips of Lady Gaga - "Alejandro"]* Lady Gaga's ridiculous outfits, *[Justin Bieber - "Baby"]* I think Justin Bieber sucks, *[Young Money - "BedRock"]* I hate that weird hashtag rap thing that everyone was doing a year ago.

**Gudda Gudda**: And I got her...grocery bag
**Todd**: Yeech. But one thing you'll notice I haven't complained much about is the scourge of pop radio known as *[demonstrating, drawing it out]* Auto-Tune. And the reason you haven't heard me complain about it is that I don't mind it all that much.

*Clip of The Gregory Brothers ft. Antoine Dodson - "Bed Intruder Song"*
**Todd (VO)**: As far as I'm concerned, it's just a feature of modern production, and complaining about it is as useful as complaining about multi-track vocals or stereophonic sound. It's a tool to be used well *[Clip of Kanye West - "Heartless"]* or used badly, just like anything else. And when used properly, it can actually be really effective.

**Todd**: *[Auto-Tuned] And besides, Auto-Tuning yourself and talking like a robot is actually a lot of fun. Hey, why don't I do a whole review with my voice Auto-Tuned?* Actually, let's not. That would get old really fast. And speaking of getting old really fast, let's talk about T-Pain.

*Video for T-Pain - "Can't Believe It"*
**T-Pain**: Let's talk about you and me
**Todd (VO)**: T-Pain and Auto-Tune are forever gonna be interchangeable. Not just because T-Pain only ever sings with Auto-Tune, but also because no one has ever used it more successfully.

*Video for "Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin')"*
**T-Pain**: I'm T-Pain
**Todd (VO)**: In fact, I daresay that T-Pain has done more than almost anyone to justify Auto-Tune as a legitimate stylistic choice.

**Todd**: Idiots like Jason Derulo and Katy Perry use Auto-Tune to lazily hide their horrendous inability to hit a note.

**Todd (VO)**: T-Pain, meanwhile, does it because, like Ke$ha, he's a ridiculous parody of everything that is modern pop music.

*Clip of "Can't Believe It"*
**T-Pain**: Put you in a mansion, somewhere in Wis-cansin
**Todd (VO)**: And also like Ke$ha, it's difficult to tell how much he's in on the joke.

**Todd**: I think there was a point where he meant all the clubbing and hos without irony, but *[Clips of "Thug Story" ft....]* the goofy joke duets with Taylor Swift and *[and "I'm on a Boat" with...]* The Lonely Island have pretty well erased that. But that's good. T-Pain is at his best when he's silly and fun. Unfortunately, he's frequently not, which is what makes T-Pain such a frustrating performer because the line between T-Pain being awesome and T-Pain being annoying is a thin one indeed.

*Video for "Bartender"*
**Todd (VO)**: My personal favorite T-Pain song is "Bartender," where he's like, "dude, I think the bartender's into me."

**T-Pain**: I think she thinks I'm cool
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, like a frat boy who's just had his first legal drink.

**Todd**: Yeah, that's the T-Pain I like. But unfortunately, often times, he's too stupid to be fun and too slimy to be forgivable.

*Video for "I'm Sprung"*
**Todd (VO)**: Most of the world seems to have forgotten his first single, "I'm Sprung," and...and with good reason, as it's quite possibly the worst R&B song of the decade.

**T-Pain**: But I'm feelin kinda lonely
On top of that I'm kinda horny
**Todd**: Yeah, thanks for that, T-Pain.

*Video of "Reverse Cowgirl"*
**Todd (VO)**: Now here's another thing you might not know if you don't pay close attention to the charts. Despite being virtually synonymous with the current sound of pop music, he hasn't had a hit in, like, three years. It may just be that he's a victim of overexposure—he's been on literally almost *[list of songs featuring T-Pain]* 200 of other people's songs since his peak in '08, *[Video for "Hey Baby (Drop It on the Floor)"]* but only one real hit, and not a particularly impressive one at that.

**T-Pain**: See what you got in store
**Todd**: Maybe the reason people got tired of T-Pain is, beyond the Auto-Tune, there's just not a lot to the guy. Like...

*Video for "I'm 'n Luv (Wit a Stripper) 2 (Tha Remix)"*
**Todd (VO)**: He's like a lot of R&B singers. He's just got a very limited scope of things he sings about. T-Pain likes clubs, T-Pain likes sex, T-Pain likes...

**Todd**: ...actually, I...I think that might be it.

**Todd (VO)**: You know, maybe the guy just doesn't have anything left to offer, which is why I'm not thrilled that he's managed to pull out yet another hit.

**Todd**: I mean, I...haven't heard it yet, but let me guess. Does it mention clubs? *[Check for "yes"]* Does it mention sex? *[Check for "yes"]* Surprise, surprise...ah whatever. It is what it is. And so, everybody, with his new song about clubs and sex, T-Pain.

*Video for "5 O'Clock"*
**Lily Allen**: It's 5 o'clock in the morning
Conversation got boring
You said you're goin to bed soon
So I snuck off to your bedroom
**Todd**: What? What?

**Todd (VO)**: Is that Lily Allen? What the hell is this doing in a T-Pain song?

**Lily**: and I was hoping... *[drops off]*
**T-Pain**: It's 5 o'clock in the morning
**Todd**: Okay, back up! Um...okay. Lily Allen.

*Video for "The Fear"*
**Todd (VO)**: Okay, in case you don't know, Lily Allen is a pretty big deal in the UK, but she never really gained much of a foothold in America, so I'm guessing...

**Todd**: ...most of you are probably not familiar with her unless you're one of those *Pitchfork*-reading snobs who constantly name-drops Europop singers and how they're *[mockingly]* so much better than our American crap. *[Album cover of Robyn -* Body Talk*]* By the way, that last album by Swedish pop star Robyn was actually really good and she's way better than any of that Ke$ha crap and you should totally listen to it. Anyway, I do know a little about Lily Allen, and I think she's actually a quite intelligent and witty and charming young woman. Either that or she's horrifically smug and insufferable, depending on what mood I'm in. Here she is...

*Video for "Not Fair"*
**Todd (VO)**: ...humiliating an otherwise perfect boyfriend for being bad in bed.

**Lily**: When we go up to bed you're just no good, it's such a shame!
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, and here she is...

*Video for "Smile"*
**Todd (VO)**: ...laughing at your pain.

**Lily**: ...when I see you cry,
Yeah it makes me smile
**Todd (VO)**: And...we'll just let this one stand out on its own.

*Video for "Fuck You (Very Much)"*
**Lily**: Fuck you
Fuck you very, very much
**Todd**: But the song that got sampled here, I'm told, is called...

*Video for...*
**Todd (VO)**: "Who'd Have Known," and it is actually one of her less abrasive singles. It's...it's actually a really nice song about friendship turning into love. It's actually quite sweet.

**Lily**: I no longer feel alone
**Todd**: And...what is T-Pain...

*Back to "I'm Sprung"*
**T-Pain**: ...kinda horny
**Todd**: What is T-Pain doing with this?

**T-Pain**: Cause you've been waiting on me since
I said that I was hittin' the club
Something coming up on me
And I know you be getting so horny
**Todd (VO)**: Okay, I am...gathering that T-Pain is not using this song in its original context of the sweet anticipation of a new relationship. But...

**Todd**: ...you know what, that's okay, right? Recontextualization is what makes sampling more than just stealing, like that Eminem song, "Stan."

*Clip of Eminem ft. Dido - "Stan"*
**Dido**: My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
**Todd (VO)**: You remember that. That took *this* song...

*Brief clip of Dido - "Thank You"*
**Dido**: I want to thank you
**Todd**: ...and then turned it into *this* song.

**Eminem**: Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
**Todd (VO)**: But it totally worked because he changed the meaning of the sample by having it be about an obsessed fan rather than a lovestruck British girl.

**Todd**: And...and so it is here with T-Pain, he's... This is actually really clever in the way it changes the meaning of the original song to be about a girl waiting for T-Pain to come home from the club. Listen.

**Lily**: It's 5 o'clock in the morning
**T-Pain**: Girl
**Lily**: Conversation got boring
**T-Pain**: Talk to me girl
**Lily**: You said you're goin' to bed soon
**T-Pain**: Let's go
**Lily**: So I snuck off to your bedroom
**T-Pain**: Come on
**Lily**: And I thought I'd just wait there
**T-Pain**: Wait on me
**Lily**: Until I heard you come up the stairs
**Todd**: No it doesn't! No...

**Todd (VO)**: ...it doesn't change the meaning of the song at all! It's...it's...it's still just obviously what it is. It doesn't fit. Like, I could listen to this song a hundred times in a billion different contexts, and it would never be about her waiting patiently for some sweet, sweet honey-dip love from T-Pain!

**Todd**: Like...T-Pain doesn't get what this original song is about or the tone of it or what's going on at all!

**Todd (VO)**: It doesn't work even just because of basic logic.

**Lily**: Conversation got boring
**Todd (VO)**: What conversation got boring? He's not there. He's at the club. Who was she talking to? I can only assume this poor, neglected woman was talking to a wall all alone while she waits for this guy until goddamn 5:00 AM!

**T-Pain and Lily**: It's 5 o'clock in the morning
Conversation got boring
**Todd (VO)**: No, don't sing the chorus with her, dude! That makes even less sense!

**Todd**: Like T-Pain hasn't...bothered to listen to this. He's just robotically defecating on a decent song.

**Todd (VO)**: I think T-Pain must have very limited processing abilities. He just...doesn't have the ability to understand things beyond his very limited scope of experiences.

**Todd**: I mean, God help us if he gets his hands on any other decent songs.

*Video for No Doubt - "Don't Speak"*
**Gwen Stefani**: Don't speak
**Todd (as T-Pain)**: No speakin'
**Gwen**: I know what you're thinkin'
**Todd (as T-Pain)**: You know I'm thinkin about makin' love
*Video for The Fugees - "Killing Me Softly"*
**Lauryn Hill**: Killing me softly with his song
**Todd (as T-Pain)**: I'll be killing her softly in the bedroom
*This video*
**Gayle Peevey**: I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
**Todd (as T-Pain)**: By "hippopotamus" she means she wants my dick
**Todd**: Ugh.

**T-Pain**: Cause I keep checking my cell phone
And these missed calls
You texting me like I'm a kill y'all
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, if the bizarre choice of sampling were the only thing that was wrong with this, that'd be one thing. But on top of everything else, it's just a very...gross...not nice song. T-Pain sounds really stupid and like a douchebag in this. He's out clubbing, he didn't even invite his girl to come along; she wants to get laid and he's like, "yeah, I'll get to it when I get to it."

**Todd**: Seriously, it's just degrading for the girl and...

**Todd (VO)**: ...it just makes it more painful that the girl is someone as intelligent and understated as Lily Allen, and the guy is such an unworthy jerk-off; and you have to think about her just sitting around bored, waiting for him patiently.

**T-Pain**: And she'll be waiting on me naked
With one of my chains on
**Todd**: Okay, uh...

**T-Pain**: And she'll be waiting on me naked
With one of my chains on
**Todd (VO)**: As far as imagery goes, you can't really go wrong with a naked woman, I guess. But I'm not sure how sexy it is that she's wearing one of T-Pain's *[picture of him wearing BIG ASS CHAIN]* giant, gaudy, ugly chains.

**Todd**: Unless that's not the kind of chain we're talking about here. *[Poster of* Black Snake Moan*, with Christina Ricci on a chain]* Yeah, let's hope not.

**Lily**: Conversation got boring
**T-Pain**: Talk to me girl
**Todd (VO)**: You want her to talk to you, try answering her damn calls!

**Todd**: Look, I understand the need to party. I get it. I am not a stranger to partying 'til the break of dawn.

**Todd (playing video game)**: Feeding the W, +9 to my karma.

**Todd**: But at the same time, just out of respect, when a girl booty-calls you, you don't leave her hanging 'til the freakin' sun starts rising! But...

**Todd (VO)**: ...I guess you can't really expect more from T-Pain; he just does what he does.

**T-Pain**: I can hear your voice in my head like
"What is he doing? Oh what is he doing?"
**Todd (VO)**: "What is he doing?" Well, he's not volunteering at the local homeless shelter.

**Todd**: You're T-Pain, dude. I think she knows what you're doing—you're out partying. I mean, I'm sure you got good reasons for what's taking you so long.

**T-Pain**: And these females got me stalling
**Todd**: Come on, dude. I'm trying to work with you here.

**T-Pain**: You ain't got to remind me
**Todd**: No, I think she does.

**T-Pain**: We do this every night
And then we always wake up singing the same song
**Todd**: No, I don't think you are singing the same song. And even if you are, you won't be doing it for long. I mean, I'm sure you're a nice guy, T-Pain, but there are other *[picture of Bender]* rich, talented robots out there. Ah, this is dumb. Fortunately, we've got an awesome guest rapper to improve this. A talented young man by the name of...ah, I can't even finish that.

**Wiz Khalifa**: You ain't got nothing on
But the t-shirt that I...
**Todd**: This is Wiz Khalifa.

*Clip of video for "Black and Yellow"*
**Wiz Khalifa**: Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow
**Todd**: He did a song a while back I reviewed.

**Wiz**: Too many thirsty girls up in this club for me to
Leave here with one of them
**Todd**: He's not very good.

**Wiz**: right at home waiting for me
iPhone plugged in the wall, just waiting for me
**Todd**: He contributes nothing.

**Todd (VO)**: I'll just spare you. In case you got distracted by T-Pain having an actual personality, Wiz here dispenses with that and just tells you straight up: I blew this girl off until it was so late, she was half-asleep when I came, and I started humping her anyway.

**Wiz**: ...but I've been drinking all night and I feel like performing
And when we finish you like "damn, babe you woke me up"
*Todd just looks*

**Todd (VO)**: Please tell me she was awake before you started doing things to her, Wiz. Ugh, I'm gonna pretend that didn't happen.

**Todd**: You know what this song reminds me the most of?

*Clip of...*
**Imogen Heap**: Whatcha say?
**Todd (VO)**: Mostly it reminds me of Jason Derulo's "Whatcha Say," a song which sampled Imogen Heap, and which I already loathe. I mean, I kinda feel like T-Pain listened to it and was like, "huh, you took a sample from a British indie pop chick and completely missed the point? Well, I will do the same thing and miss the point even harder!"

**Todd**: But while I despise "Whatcha Say," "5 O'Clock" never really evokes a reaction from me other than, *[picture of man scratching head]* "huh?"

**Todd (VO)**: I mean, I think I oughta be offended, but I'm not. It's just a bizarre curiosity that isn't as bad as much as it just fails to provide me with a reason why it should exist. Like, I think the worst thing it does is force me to buy the idea that T-Pain is this completely irresistible guy that I should emulate.

**Todd**: If I ever tried it, I'm sure it would end differently.

**Todd (as T-Pain)**: 5 o'clock in the morning
And I'm in deep crap
So sorry, baby, I can explain
Please don't make me sleep upon the couch
I'm Todd In The Shadows, and I'm out.

**T-Pain and Lily**: It's 5 o'clock in the morning

*Closing tag song: Styx - "Mr. Roboto"*

***THE END
"5 O'Clock" is owned by RCA Records
This video is owned by me***