You're Going To Die In This Cave

## Description

The draggos start a new adventure in the Kobold-infested land of Dianna, looking for the suspiciously disappeared Philge.

## Synopsis

In an ill-defined time prior to Season 4, the Dragon Friends accept an invitation to an exclusive adventurer's resort - Castle Greyhawkins, the estate of Sir Tristan, a retired adventurer and philanthropist and definitely not a lowkey sex pest.

The adventure opens with the Friends arriving at the castle and playing Accountants & Actuaries in the luxurious east wing while awaiting Sir Tristan's return from mysterious business. Philge has excused herself to collect food from the Uber donkey driver, but the group notices her continued absence after some time and Freezo goes to investigate.

Shortly all light in the building is magically extinguished, and Freezo encounters a spooky humanoid seemingly waiting for him. Freezo attempts intimidation, there is a spooky noise, the humanoid vanishes and they realise that Philge is nowhere to be found.

Upon investigation of footprints, it appears that Philge and the Uber donkey have either disappeared into thin air or hidden themselves in the castle to consume all of the Uber Eats. At this point they spot a carriage heading up the road towards them, which turns out to be the enigmatic and laconic Sir Tristan, who slightly suspiciously claims to have no knowledge of Philge's disappearance. Hing rolls a nat 1 on a "full of shit check" and Freezo buys it.

During the ensuing conversation Freezo sneaks around the back of the carriage and loots it, including Sir Tristan's huge, black, magical and definitely private property family greatsword, Darkwinter's Bite, because reasons. Somehow Tristan doesn't notice and they turn in for the night, casually forgetting about Philge. Freezo however, later snoops around the castle in the dark, aiming for Tristan's quarters. Baston notices him sneaking out and follows at a distance.

Encountering Curly the butler and Cremate Body the captain of the guard, Freezo concocts a story about Tristan offering Freezo some sleeping pills from his study. Hing finds a pouch of healing potions and a wooden case and successfully attempts to bluff Cremate into believing that the case contains the pills, which he yoinks. Baston and Freezo bump into each other as Baston is pleasantly offering to murder the butler. They are forcibly escorted back to their quarters by Cremate and barred in. It later turns out that Curly, clearly the least guilty party, is fired for his part in the nocturnal shenanigans.

Freezo discovers that the case contains a Wand of Magic Missiles, while Baston and Bobby become increasingly furious at his kleptomania. Freezo channels Star Wars Kid with his new wand while the others sleep until breakfast.

In the morning the group bully Freezo into returning Tristan's sword, and concoct a story about the sword falling out of the carriage. Tristan receives it gratefully and enquires after Philge. Upon hearing she's still missing, he reveals that a local tribe of Kobolds has been causing trouble and may be responsible. After 70 minutes, they finally get to a mfing quest hook.

As conversation moves to Freezo's pills, and in spite of an enormously obvious hint from Cremate Body that there was no need to discuss any indiscretions, Freezo cracks and fingers him for letting him into the study. Cremate retaliates by accusing Freezo of stealing the wooden case. Over protestations from Dave, Tristan tries to get the quest back on track by offering to let Freezo keep his sister's wand if they clear out the kobolds. With a broken heart, he retires to his chambers leaving the party with Cremate having a short-tempered hissy fit. Freezo tricks Cremate into a weird fistbump/handshake and insists that they are now friends forever.

The Friends sally forth into the region of Dianna. Learning that kobolds revere dragons, Bobby uses Disguise Self to transform into a nerdy glasses-equipped red dragon in a lab coat (later named Monky) so as to deceive the kobolds into accepting them into their lair. They are shortly ambushed on cue and Bobby goes method, convincing the (very eastside) kobolds that he is an inventor through his draconic interpreter Freezo, and demanding to be presented to the chieftan, Boss Yakult.

Entering the trap-infested lair, which is full with stolen mechanical devices, metals and wheels, the party are escorted to meet Boss Yakult. Yakult invites (in Draconic, which of course Bobby can't understand) Bobby/Monky to take possession of the lair, including a small hoard of treasure. Bobby pantomimes aloofness and agrees through Freezo to do so, via an elaborate ruse about being monk dragon having made a vow of silence. Their dominance established, the draggos enquire after any prisoners but are disappointed to hear the kobolds have not captured Philge.

Having been deferently locked in the treasury by Yakult, Freezo summons Bushu (who has been working on a jigsaw puzzle) and tasks him to pretend he's a friend of Bobby's and ask to be let in from the other side of the door. As Bushu flies out of the roof hole to do so, the party plots a mass murder in the form of a meet & greet.

Bushu completes the ruse and Freezo organises the baffled kobolds into a sequence for private 1:1 interviews, starting with Boss Yakult. Bobby/Monky sneak attacks Yakult through the heart with an arrow, killing him instantly and taking his headdress as proof of completion of their quest for Sir Tristan. They loot various items including a soporific magic whistle and a captured Green Slime. Freezo callously mutilates the kobold chief by cutting off its tail as a trophy, covering himself in gore up to the armpits.

As kobolds outside the door get suspicious, the party make up some nonsense about a mating ritual between the boss and the dragon; which almost certainly was never considered by the game designers. The kobolds aren't buying it, and organise to fetch "the Pulveriser" which turns out to be a pneumatic battering ram.

With Baston providing an angelic vocal accompaniment, Monky shirtfronts the assembling kobolds but it all goes awry when the desecrated body of the chief is noticed by the horrified throng. Tossing the slime at the Pulveriser, Monky kills the crew and Freezo tries a Philge play to take command of the tribe. Unsuccessfully. All-in combat ensues, and the kobolds fare very badly.

As Freezo goes supermarket sweep in the hoard room looking for gems, Baston and Bobby are attacked by an Owlbear. In a masterpiece of anticlimax, Freezo puts it to sleep with the whistle and they saunter out of the lair and the episode as the Wizards of the Coast game designers no doubt weep in the foetal position.

## People

### Dragon Friends

* Freezo
* Baston
* Bobby
* Philge (in absentia)

### Guest PCs

* Monky the Silent Dragon (Bobby in disguise)

### NPCs

* Sir Tristan
* Curly the butler
* Cremate Body, head of the castle guard
* Cynthia the maid
* Kibbutz
* Boss Yakult

### Bestiary

* Kobolds
* Green Slime
* Owlbear

### Places

* Castle Greyhawkins
* Kobold Lair

## Themes, Tropes and Running Jokes

* Hello Bees - Bobby has to play A&A due to losing a bet about bees being edible. He later has a dream about eating bees.
* #sorrygreg - Having been previously banned from the /dnd twitch by their community manager Greg for language, the fruitier elements of the stream saw prolific apologies of debatable sincerity

## Trivia

* Level 3 puts the characters between Season 1 and 2, but as they didn't meet Baston until Season 2 it's all very confusing. It's nonsense anyway, whatever.
* Edan actually prepared character sheets for Hing, Alex and Simon's characters' characters in A&A because of course he did.
* High Draconic apparently sounds like the swedish chef in the Muppets to non native speakers
* The viewer count peaked at just over 5,000 from about 3,000 at the start

## Quotes

* Freezo: "Is stealing a sword a crime?" Bobby/Baston: "YES"
* Simon as Curly refers to "spleeping pills" and Freezo as "Master Fresno"
* Baston: "oh you want to do a..." Freezo: "a mass murder."
* Hing: "Tails aren't hollow?" Dave: "Are you thinking of a puppet's tail?"
* Dave: "Enjoying your sick burn? You're going to die in this cave."

## Table Talk

* There are a number of references to Ben Jenkins and Tom Walker pissing themselves to death as an explanation for their absence. Alex Lee however didn't piss herself to death, she was just at a destination wedding which is in many ways worse.
* After the episode the friends discuss who would play their characters in a live action version. They decide on:
	+ Dungeon Dave: Bradley Whitford
	+ Freezo: Steve Buscemi
	+ Bobby: Johnathan Taylor Thomas
	+ Baston: Steven Seagal
	+ Philge: Leslie Jones