Loss

Bedlam woke up with tears streaming down his face. The final echoes of his mom's song reverberating until it died down, bringing him back to reality. He felt lethargic, waking seems like a chore. Every minute he spent in the waking world meant less time in the dream world with Kvothe and his mom. He regretted forgoing the Sleep spell. Now would be a good opportunity to use it to get himself to sleep.

He thought about the wraiths that haunt him at night: Master Abenthy, Eli, the townsfolk caught in the crossfire, Shepherd and Lamb almost dying, Kvothe suddenly disappearing, Wolf, and his mom. Another fresh wave of tears threatened to spill out.

‘Powerful men don’t cry. So I won’t give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. The people I want dead continue to live on, while the people I care about die one by one.’ He thought angrily, furious at his powerlessness to kill all the creatures that threatens his precious loved ones. He clenches his hands into a fist, willing himself to sleep but plethora of thoughts kept invading his mind.

As if on replay, the clip showing how his mom was murdered kept replaying. ‘I should have hit stronger, faster, and killed more of those monsters. If I had the power to destroy all those people who go against me, I would’ve wiped them off in a heartbeat.’

He thought of Lamb and felt jealous of his power instead of the usual admiration. ‘If I had that much power, his power, I’ll use it to save myself and everyone I hold dear.’ Bedlam shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. ‘No, I shouldn’t blame him. It would do me no good to put the blame on him, I’m sure he’s sad about Wolf’s death too. But…’

Sighing loudly, Bedlam decided that he couldn’t go back to sleep any time soon and decided to bring out his Light Amulet. Chanting “You never know!” he lit up the room to bask in its bluish glow, the color that reminds him of his mother.

Singing softly, he sung the lullaby that his mother used to put him to sleep.

*Win dain a lotica, En val tu ri Si lo ta*Fin dein a loluca, En dragu a sei lain,
Vi fa-ru les shutai am, En riga-lint
Lalala Fontina Blu Cent De cravi esca letisimo
Lalala De quantian La finde reve

While singing, the progression of the song was sung softly, to sobbing, ending to a bawl that seems unfamiliar to Bedlam. It has been years since he last cried like this. Conscious that his cries are heard outside, he tried controlling his sobs. But every time he tries to quiet down, stopping the sounds from coming out brought more hurt in his chest as it constricts, painfully.

Tired from crying, he recalled the Light amulet and plunged the room back in darkness in an attempt to go back to sleep. ‘How many people could I have saved if I had more powers?’ Bedlam thought regretfully, closing his eyes as he lied down.

The image of Wolf plunging down suddenly appeared in his mind’s eye. Frustrated, and with eyes closed, he grabbed a pillow beneath him and threw it across the room as hard as he can. He tossed and turned, not finding a comfortable position without his favorite pillow. To make things worse, a faint ethereal music started playing. Perhaps someone in the airship decided to grieve for their loss by playing music. It wasn’t as good as his mom’s voice, but it was pleasant.

Sleep still didn’t come to him. Giving up and deciding that having his pillow will give him better chance at getting his sleep, he decided to retrieve the pillow he threw earlier. Grumbling, he opened his eyes and rolled out of the bed to grope the ground for his fluffy pillow.

Facing to his right, it took a few moments for his eyes to adjust in the darkness. He rubbed his eyes as he stared at the pillow across the room. Floating.

Bedlam gaped.

And noticed for the first time that the music was coming from his room.

Bewildered, he grabbed the pillow and hugged it tight, finally realizing that he had cast a Fly spell.

‘If I had this spell when Wolf fell…’ Bedlam started to think, but shook his thoughts away. ‘No. It’s too late for her. I just have to be stronger so that next time, I will be able to do something about it.’

Clutching the pillow, he marched back to bed determined to be stronger and more powerful the next day. ‘Tomorrow, I’ll keep training. Tomorrow, I’ll be stronger. Tomorrow, no one can take anything away from me.’

And with those final thoughts. He drifted off to sleep.