TSPS 91: Lawn Killer

**Show format: 97 minutes, Live. Co-Hosts: Matt Hillock, Effe**

**Call types: TruGreen, Neighbor, Customer Service, Request**

**Notable clip: “You blowing smoke up my ass?” (Mr. Stelmach, 19:54)**

**Show info**

**Play on the Youtubez**

This is a long live show which was originally sandwiched around an XYZ show. It features two co-hosts, but only briefly for a call each. The first 70 minutes are based around lawn care mishaps, in which Chad destroys multiple lawns and gets a woman to pray with him for dead lawn customers. The show then takes a brief meander through a pizza survey and a PetCo call to end on a bunch of calls which mess with alien abductees. Fun times.

Brad asks the chat room for a good lawn care business name. Ideas are formed for the calls in the show.

4:25: Gary at Roy’s Lawn and Lube mixed their orders up and accidentally treated John’s lawn. John’s a reasonable guy and is initially willing to let it go, but his tone changes when he hears that the ‘treatment’ is not pet friendly, with dead pets as well as dead grass on the menu if he doesn’t keep his dogs inside. It’s also messed up plans for a wedding reception that John’s got planned and he’s now going to sue Gary’s ass for ruining his lawn for years to come (Dah Duh, DUHHH).

Gary jumps into damage limitation mode and looks to transfer blame, so John’s neighbor Harold gets dangled under the RoyCo bus for putting the wrong details on the form when he booked his own lawn killer treatment. Turns out John’s got Gary’s ass in his lawsuit sights, Gary had expected John to be grateful that he bothered to call to fess up, but John wants blood and attempts to shift to small talk just keep getting pulled back to talk of lawyers and compensation.

10:08: Brad feels bad that John lapped up the prank, is split between calling back or just LOLing at John making his dogs crap inside in litter trays for months to come. Gary calls back to lay down a special rental offer on tarp to cover John’s grass, but gets shot down in flames and bails.

11:32: Roy (now from Roy’s Lube Job morning show on Y98) calls back, gets John’s wife and confesses the prank. But Wifey is already a fan of the station and calls BS on Roy’s show.

12:45: Chuck from Gloryhole Lawn Services has also had a lawn killer malfunction, this time on both of Ann’s lawns instead of neighbor Harold's. Looks like Harold is an unlucky name for lawn care. Ann sees right through Chuck’s ruse and is taking it all in jest. Chuck owns up and asks her to dox a neighbor she doesn’t like so that he can perpetuate the prank, but Ann’s full of love for everyone in her neighborhood. Chuck’s just a friendly sociopath who Ann probably doesn’t know. Ann’s a honey badger and all attempts to weird her out fail.

16:15: Chuck (now from Lawn Machine Spaces) has messed up the grasskiller again, this time on Mrs. Stelmach’s yard. Looks like neighbor Harold has done it again. The lawn looks OK currently, but as Chuck points out all the rain they’ve just had is a death sentence for her lawn. Luckily, Chuck’s firm sells astroturf, which would be ideal for a time just like this.

Chuck gets passed to Mr. Stelmach, who straight off the blocks drags an insult out from the 1930’s, accusing Chuck of blowing smoke up his ass. BS is called on Chuck’s caller ID (it’s his wife’s name) and Chuck’s refusal to spell his last name gets met with a menacing laugh.

27:47: Jill really needs to be sitting down for what Chuck from Roy’s Lawn and Lube has to say. Once sure that she’s found a seat, Chuck confesses another lawn killer mistake, neighbor Harold's fault yet again. Jill’s pretty laid back and reasonable, but says Chuck really needs to speak to hubby. Chuck’s now in a real tizzy, he doesn’t do well with husbands and punches himself with anxiety, but seems that hubby isn’t the alpha monster that Chuck expected and actually seems even more dazed than Jill did. This doesn’t stop Chuck giving a stellar performance of a full blown breakdown on the phone, begging like a child not to be sued. Dead pets and sterile daughters are discussed, before they finally call BS on Chuck’s antics.

34:30: Matt Hillock joins. PLA membership cards, QR codes and HTC phones are discussed. Just in time for Chuck’s supervisor Matt to have a final f’kin word with Jill’s hubby.

36:34: Chuck’s at it again, this time with another hapless homeowner. Same old story, neighbor Harold and lawn killer, but this guy is not keen on talking dead lawns at 1:30 in the morning and hangs up.

37:43: Paula needs to be sitting down for the truckload of bad news that’s on her way. Another lawn botch job, this time courtesy of Chuck from Green Carpet lawns. Another ‘transfer to hubby’ job, but this guy has a well tuned BS detector and Chuck doesn’t get far.

40:36: Chuck’s through to a mystery woman who’s name doesn’t match anything he has written down. But it’s fine, he just needs someone to confess to about the Agent Orange mishap which has burned the whole of Timberwood lane to the ground (whoops). Lucky that she’s a god fearing woman who is happy to pray along blindly with Chuck’s words for all of the casualties from the latest lawn care calamity. Chuck confesses his wacky radio DJ background when he realises that mystery lady knows several people over on Timberwood, and they part amicably as she’s a lightweight who’s too tired to chat at 1am.

44:33: Linda is Chuck Bartowski’s next playmate for the Harold/lawn killer fiasco but is quick to the questions about how he thinks it’s OK to call her at 1:25am. But Chuck’s just a great guy who called the moment he realised his mistake. Linda recognises Chuck’s name from the TV and bails.

46:46: Gloria is next in line, seems like Chuck’s on a roll lately. Luckily, Chuck gets a great “Why are you calling me at 1:12 in the morning” sound clip from her but that doesn’t save her from dead grass. Asking why he can’t call back at a reasonable time, seems she doesn’t realise that lawn care people are nocturnal, duh. Hubby gets put on the phone, dirt lawns and Out Of Court Settlements get banded around.

49:44: This time it’s Chuck from Sweet Cactus Lawn Care who wants to let Jennifer know about a mishap. This time it’s not lawn killer, but ‘enhanced bugs’ which are due to hatch en-masse and as an extra bonus are also radioactive. Hubby David picks back up to hear Chuck warn about the Volkswagen-sized, Gremlins-like bugs coming their way, but David’s just not believing and Chad muses he’s doomed to die.

52:08: Diana’s had Africanised termites added to her lawn, but she’s confused what the upgrades are over regular termites. Chad helpfully fills her in that these termites are 500 times larger and gives advice on arming herself with garden tools and oak garden furniture to mount resistance. The couple’s dumb kid hijacks the call and when Mum eventually wrestles it back she just wants to blast Chuck for calling after midnight.

55:07: Kip is up next, another Africanised termites flub. Kip is another who’s more fussed about Chuck calling late rather than the giant termites which are about to hatch and kill him. Chuck’s out of his f’kin mind and a moron for spreading termites in Kip’s world, but he just doesn’t know how the lawn care business works.

57:26: Chuck sprayed Ginelle’s lawn by mistake, but that’s not the issue here – Chuck’s just realised they forgot to plant a sign in her lawn advertising their business, and he wants Ginelle to be a good lady and go outside to make one and plant it – at 2am. Ginelle’s not up for signmaking at this hour.

58:50: Roy calls Deanna about the Amazon delivery drone which has gotten stuck on her roof. Worse still, the box of termites the drone was carrying has split open. Hubby Rich gets passed the baton and wants the whole story again, before bailing on Roy.

1:04:40: Freyanne has also been given an Africanised termite lawn treatment. More Harold mistakes, Freyanne is more fussed about the hour and wants to write it all down, refuses to heed Chuck’s warning about the giant pupating bugs.

1:07:49: Kenneth is the next unlucky sap. This time it’s ‘Jungle Spray’ which Chuck says is going to upset things, but Kenneth sounds too tired to take it in. Chuck advises he get up now to build the ark that he’ll need very soon when things start to hatch. Kenneth sounds like he would like to threaten Chuck’s ass, but is too tired to do so.

1:10:23: Robin’s been given the old grasskiller makeover, but in his house his Sister wears the trousers and handles things. Robin (and Sis) are the sue-happy variety of termites, it sounds. Chad compares sofa-surfing Robin to a weird Uncle.

1:13:03: Pizza time – Eric got his pizza but doesn’t want to answer Roy’s customer satisfaction survey. Roy gets the great wall of silence, Eric's girlfriend is weirdly offended.

1:14:55: Mrs. Simmonds just had her dog 'groomed' at PetCo, but co-host Effe has a confession, it’s not nice. Brad’s sure to go to prank call hell for this one. Effe has burned Roy’s bridges with Mrs. Simmonds and attempts to win her back fail.

1:19:52: Roy from the National Extraterrestrial Investigation Team has reason to believe that Brad is about to be abducted by aliens. Brad’s not buying and seems to think Roy’s a telemarketer. Alien sound effects after a failed hangup don’t help Roy get through to him.

1:23:02: Roy needs to talk to Dr. Sasha about another impending abduction, but can’t get past his wifey, “Ha he he he ha ha”. Wifey claims that the Dr. has the flu and instead thinks it will be she who is likely abducted. Roy’s description of the ‘Class 7 Starship’ that’s coming for the Dr. doesn’t budge her, even though Roy’s concerned the giant spaceship will squish the couple’s neighbors when it arrives. Roy’s trying to get hubby to take steps to protect his butthole from the probing aliens, but Mrs. Sasha doesn't see the seriousness of it all.

Roy repeats concerns that the aliens (who wear Sombreros) will fuck Dr. Sasha 'right in the pussy', but wifey points out that’s hard to do with a man. She's sure smart, but Roy sees her as a nosy bitch. In Roy’s world, aliens are hardcore butthole probers. Wifey now turns on Roy and tries to sell him regression therapy to undercover his own hidden butt-probed, alien abducted past.

1:33:23: Roy calls to speak to abductee Lidell but gets the old denial that said dude exists, and 3am is no time to call. Brad’s running out of energy and throws in the towel.