LTVS: Operation Best Friend

*Do not read beyond **this point** if you want to avoid being **spoiled!***

***Layla the Vampire Slayer* episode**

Bentham

8BitDylan as Robbie Williams

*"Who the hell would transfer to a school that has a catastrophic death rate like ours?!"*

*"I think they probably hide that... maybe it's a bonus for some people?"* - Robert and Barnaby Davidson

**Operation Best Friend** is the thirty-second episode of Layla the Vampire Slayer and the tenth episode of Season 2. It is the first of a sequence of episodes where RandomTuesday was absent and replaced by 8BitDylan.

## Synopsis

Once Layla Smith, Barnaby and Robert Davidson make their way back to their dorms after their stay in the the hotel, Layla uses the paper she got from Ra to ask Imogen whether she is safe. After a while Imogen writes a response, saying that she's very busy but she finds the place amazing. Layla spends her time worrying about Imogen, irritating the boys. After a month or so, Rob finishes his brain scanner that works like an magic MRI thing (but can't detect psionic effects and only works once a week). Barnaby works on a book about weird spells and their experiences for the lark of it. Robert wants to scan Ned Phillips first, but Layla tries to convince him to scan himself first. Barnaby is confused about the merits of testing it on Ned or Robert first. Rob asks whether there's anything strange with him, and Barnaby encourages him to test it on himself first, recalling him seeing Rob speak in tongues, though he does not express this. Rob agrees to test himself first, but doesn't want anything to happen to Ned in the meantime. He gets in the machine and blue-white energy surrounds him and the printer spits out data. They look at his data. Layla sees a blob of magical energy at the back of Robert's head that Barnaby recognises as an arachne demon egg stuck between two lobes. There was also some deep work to his frontal lobe.

They panic. Barnaby recalls that arachne demons have long incubation times and that the egg absorbs information from the brain (while feeding information back); for now Rob is safe. Rob thinks that the demons were enhancing humans to pass onto their own species and suggest they look at the Sanguinas and at Ned and Albert. Robert mentions that they'll need to get them out somehow, either through mundane or magical means. Robert considers developing some device to get it out. Layla is worried about the time needed to scan everyone; Rob suggests they test the sisters first as they may be further along. Layla decides to try and contact them, as they have already left; Barnaby expresses some interest in them ("sisters?"). Layla shoots off an email to them asking them to stop by and gives them her regards. Rob goes to pick up some books, and as he gets to the door the door of the previously-empty neighbouring room opens and a student Rob isn't familiar with pops out.

The guy is rather hyperactive and says it's his first day there. He somewhat resembles the singer (from Take That) and also a bit of a nerd and is very attractive. He introduces himself as Robbie Williams, and he is in Year 12 like them. Barnaby and Rob awkwardly introduce themselves. Robbie says he's having a nice day and hopes the others have a nice guy and stays there before awkwardly leaving. When the Davidsons enter their own room, they let out a bewildered gasp of breath and comment negatively on Robbie's mannerisms, asking "what the fuck was that?" and Rob wondering whether he's a demon or not. Outside, Robbie attempts to eavesdrop, but fails and the door swings open under his pressure. The Davidsons notice and ask what's going on. He says that he heard them talking about demons and talks about "spooky" stuff; Barnaby attempts to deflect with stuff about scary movies and offer to show him around. The Davidsons think that this "tour" will allow them to take the measure of him, and Barnaby grabs Robbie firmly by the shoulders and leads him off. Barnaby is envious of Robbie's attractiveness (5). Layla runs into Robbie and Barnaby. They introduce themselves, and Robbie says he's a transfer student from the US. Layla tries to see whether he's a vampire, but he doesn't seem to be. Barnaby indicates that he will join her for "studying" (research) later and asks her whether he should take him to the basement. She says no, and Robbie continues to unnerve them. Barnaby and Rob take Robbie everywhere apart from the workshop and the basement and dump him in the library. Barnaby takes every opportunity to attempt to gauge whether Robbie is a demon or not, but he doesn't seem to be any type of demon Barnaby knows of. Rob and Barnaby are still confused and attempt to deflect questions about demons as a writing project.

Robbie asks the two what they do for fun, and they don't answer. Robbie says that schoolwork is boring, and Barnaby says that Robbie would get on well with Layla. Barnaby and Robert are more weirded out and attempt to examine him more thoroughly, but he doesn't seem any weirder than any other weird STH student. They pass by Ms. Felicia Khan, who is interested in Robbie. The latter asks the guys if there's anything spooky or dangerous around, and they tell him not to stay out at night. He says that he's good at "staying indoors and not making any sounds". This non-sequitur again puzzles the brothers. As the brothers try to drop him off and part (awkwardly), Robbie follows Robert, who doubles back and follows Barnaby, and Robbie stands still watching them. The boys are even more perplexed and decide to lock their door extra securely. They go off to Mr. Davidson's to research. George is back home and has a bit of amnesia about the whole thing and has been briefed about the matter. George tells Robert that the tattoo on his back is meant to confuse location spells, and that about 20 years abo a powerful shaman gave it to him. Rob tries to get the shards of wood out of his dad's leg and makes a mess of it.

Layla, Barnaby and Robert research the arachne demons; they tend to be from (and infest parts of) Greece, and reproduce by eggs with a long incubation time (several months, rarely, to a hundred years, rarely: tends to be a few years). They are typically implanted in the abdnomen (not the head), resulting in abdominal pain and gastrointestinal problems before the chest explodes. They briefly contemplate learning Violet's spying sigil enchantment on Robbie, which is morally acceptable because he is a suspected demon and weird. After some discussion Layla suggests that Robbie might just be a normal dude, but the brothers vehemently oppose this since he was "too happy". Layla says they're being paranoid, and that "new students" who are demons tend to be less happy-go-lucky. Barnaby has a eureka moment and decides that they should become friends with Robbie to suss him out. After Layla says that Robbie is kind of cute, Barnaby vehemently denies that he is attracted to him. Barnaby says that Robbie is vain because they saw him fix his hair in a reflection from a trophy cabinet, and after a while Layla and Barnaby realise that he therefore can't be a vampire. Layla is convinced the guys are still being paranoid and dicks. The guys are somewhat relieved by the long incubation time of the demons which gives them some time.

Robbie has run into Ned and they chat about America (Robbie emphasising how it's hot, there are lots of people and cars and it's the best) as the Davidsons return to their dorms. Ned asks for help, and Barnaby says they need to go to bed, saying that Ned and Rob have a "thing". Barnaby enters the room while Rob tries to "tactfully" disengage from the conversation. Robbie says he knows he's a bit weird and that he's nervous about meeting new people. Robbie decides to "start over" and introduces himself again more normally. Barnaby pops his head out and the others cautiously make their introductions again. Robbie says it's weird being in a new country surrounded by people who don't know him, and Barnaby apologises. The lads go to bed while Layla reads books for a bit with John for company, finding it hard to sleep without Imogen's presence.

In PE the next day (Monday), Barnaby and Robbie are getting dressed before rugby. Barnaby asks whether Robbie has done rugby before, and he claims he has and is really good at it. Robbie has no concept of modesty and strips off to show off his abs, and Barnaby is unnerved and busys himself with his kit. Barnaby explains how he's still rugby captain and Robbie tries to punch Barnaby in the shoulder in a "buddy thing" that continues to confuse Barnaby. They go off to do some rugger. They practice rucking and Barnaby rucks into Robbie (holding a pad). Robbie's strength bewilders Barnaby as they end up deadlocking with each other. When Robbie goes to ruck into Barnaby, Robbie doesn't want to and says he doesn't feel like it and doesn't want anyone to be hurt. Robbie rucks into Barnaby, pushing Barnaby back; it's clear that Robbie has a ton of strength but no skill with rugby. Over in netball Layla sees everything. Barnaby says Robbie should try out for the team, and asks how long he'll be here for. Robbie says he's here for as long as he wants to be ("an interesting situation...let's say, a few weeks?"), which confuses Barnaby. Robbie says he'll consider the offer. Mr. Charlie Woodbridge, the rugby coach offers Robbie a position on the team, and Robbie accepts. Mr. Woodbridge informs them that there's a match on Wednesday afternoon and tells Barnaby to get him ready and teach him the rules. During a drink break Barnaby tells Layla Robbie's very strong and that he knows nothing about sport. He thinks that Robbie might be able to throw Ned like how Layla did. They resolve to keep an eye on him. Layla makes an implied comment about Barnaby and a potential attraction to Robbie, which causes Barnaby to storm off.

During break Layla, Barnaby and Bobert meet up in the common room. Layla talks to Bob about Robbie's strength and agrees she had some suspicions. Rob hopes that Robbie's not a bad guy and more like the Sanguina sisters. Robbie has a bunch of girls hanging around him and half the common room staring at him; he makes a bad joke and some of them leave. He then goes over to his "friends" Layla, Barnaby and Robert. Layla asks how her first day was, and Robbie says he's made so many friends, albeit ones that like touching his derriere, which he assumes is a thing here. Layla attempts to be a cultural ambassador while the boys snicker. Robbie alleges that Barnaby touched his behind in the showers after PE, more awkwardness ensues. Barnaby makes a half-hearted invitation for Robbie to sit next to him in Media Studies, which he accepts with vigour. Robbie is enthused to learn that Layla and Robert will be in his class for computing. Layla asks Robbie where exactly he's from in America. He says he's in the North-East, which leads to further questioning. After a pause, he says New York City. Layla catches this and gives a look to the boys and says she's from Chicago. She then asks him what he was doing in New York and he says that his mother separated from his father and now he and his mother were staying in the UK until they could find a place to live in the US. Layla mentions that her parents have a business studio in New York, and asks whether Robbie was into sports. Robbie says he's bad at sports, and after some discussion complains about the dress code which leads to questions about where he studied in the US, Lincoln High School. Again, he emphasises that it had lots of people and cars. Rob asks whether Robbie actually likes cars, but Robbie just says there were a lot of them.

They ask what his interests are, and he tries to deflect the question back onto them. Layla asks whether he likes working out, and he says that working out's "fun". Layla sees Robert holding his magic-detecting 3D glasses under the table and suggests Robert show Robbie his "3D book". Barnaby, Layla and Rob then realise that Robert has "inconveniently" forgotten the book as Robert puts the glasses on, which Robbie finds "colourful". Rob spews information about 3D while trying to examine Robbie and can't see anything peculiar. Layla suggests that Barnaby can show Robbie the book later, and failing to provide an excuse, says "yeah". Some girls in the background talk in innuendos about wanting to "eat" Robbie, who brings up cannibals; Barnaby questions Robbie as to whether he's come across cannibals before. Robbie says that they're cannibals in that they're gross and the place is dirty, before saying that he loves the school. The boys try and get an insight into Robbie about cars, and Barnaby says that he's got a car. Robbie says he has a weird request: he's never experienced anything in town and asks whether they would accompany him into town. Barnaby agrees to drive him there, which excites Robbie; Layla says she has "studying" to do. Layla's patrolling has been very quiet, with signs of other people fighting demons with signs of damaged gravestones, burnt grass and shredded areas of woodland.

Robbie asks about the town and they tell Robbie about Little Rosewater and on a tangent about the O.K. Kebab Shop, about Imogen, and tell him that she's studying abroad in America. Robbie hopes to meet her and hopes she's fine. Barnaby and Layla are curious as to why he has this sentiment, and Robbie says that it's a "scary world" out there. Robbie says that his outing with Barnaby is a date, which Barnaby is vehemently opposed to. Layla says that she needs to talk to Violet to get out of the conversation. When Barnaby approaches one of the girls muttering behind them, Felicia, to ask whether they'd be interested in going to *The Basement* night club, through a series of faux pas Robbie says that her hair needs a wash. The girl throws the contents of her water bottle at Robbie and storms off. Layla and Barnaby briefly meet to discuss plans, and they hope to meet later. Layla does some research on arachne demons during computing. Robert phones up the number he suspected was Janet's home, but again can't get a hold of Janet, as the old guy who answers is convinced that he was kidnapped by aliens.

The Lads and Ned leave for the nightclub and see a lovely 1980s-era American muscle car. Robbie is in short shorts and a short, figure-hugging top. Barnaby says that the car is his ride, which Robbie says is a "bangin' ride". Barnaby is unsure as to whether Robbie knows what that means but feels it's the correct response. They awkwardly go to the club and notice the bouncer and realise they need ID. They realise they forgot Imogen got them in last time, but Robbie says he can get them in. He looks around for other routes of entry, noticing a staff entrance and a window to the toilets. He moves a bin to climb through the windows. Robbie goes first relatively easily head-first into a toilet. The gentlemen relieving themselves ask him if he's okay and Robbie exclaims "party" and weirds them out. They finish up and hightail it out of there. Barnaby goes in with Robbie's help, then Ned. The three guys try to help Rob in, and he does, though he does land in a puddle of liquid. After Rob cleans himself up they leave the toilets and into the club, where there are some 30 people. Barnaby tries to force Robbie into the middle of the dance floor to gauge his reaction, and Robbie after an awkward pause busts out some dance moves. Robbie yells at the other guys to try and dance and the crowd parts; Rob tries to duck out of there and does, as does Ned. Barnaby mumbles curses at the two and dances. He is angered that Robbie gets a better crowd response.

Elsewhere, Layla is on her usual patrol route, looking out for weird stuff. She sees a shattered tree at the edge of the graveyard, and a tiny bit of ichor. She tries to collect the ichor quietly, but as she does so sees a matte-black (with metallic highlights) lawnmower-shaped object speed off. Layla collects what she can and tries to follow it. The vehicle is even faster and weaves through traffic towards the woods and lake. Layla fails to cut it off and heads towards the area sneakily.

A half-hour later in *The Basement*, Robbie is being offered drinks by people, but he only accepts if they buy a round for all of his "friends"; only two do so, and Rob gives his drinks to Ned. The girls, including Felicia the prep girl, comes up with her posse. She ignores Barnaby and asks whether Robbie wants to dance. Barnaby suggests he does so, but Robbie wants everyone to dance and then insists that he's on a date with Barnaby. Felicia asks whether Ned wants a dance and he agrees. Barnaby tries to talk with Robbie about his speech habits and asks why he always pauses before he does something. Robbie says he thinks before he acts. Robbie says he now has a lot of new friends, and Barnaby asks whether he'll manage to keep a hold of all of them. Barnaby then asks why he's not staying with his mother, but Robbie tries to avoid the subject and says she does whatever she wants and she's gone and that he doesn't know what happened to her. Barnaby tries to poke holes in Robbie's story but Robbie asks him to drop the subject. Barnaby suggest they go breakdancing again, but Robbie won't leave since he doesn't want Bobert sitting alone as the latter doesn't want to dance. Ned comes in and complains that some guy took Felicia and they humour him, discussing why Layla isn't here, until Ned says that the guy was kissing Felicia on the neck. They ask Ned about the guy's age and his "style", which indeed seemed out of date. They tell Ned to have a drink while Barnaby goes to talk with the guy. The guys tell Ned to stay behind and see Robbie march off towards the front door where the guy left. Rob suggests they hang back to see how Robbie deals with it, but Barnaby refuses and goes alongside Robbie. Barnaby tries to convince Robbie to stay back, saying the guy might have a knife, but fails to even unnerve Robbie. They make it out into the alleyway where they see three guys in '60s overcoats with golden chains. Felicia and her friends are there too. The main guy is making out with Felicia around her neck and feeling her up. Robbie yells in a deep, almost mechanical voice: "Stop, you fiend." The guy asks what he's going to do about it, and Robbie says he'll mess him up. The guys and girls step away.

Back with Layla, she hears a high-pitched mechanical whine different from the vehicle, kind of like a saw, sees a tree drop down and a gargle. Down by the shoreline of the lake she follows some tread tracks to see the lawnmower-thing with a man's body over it. A fish-person's corpse can be seen disembowelled, and its entrails resemble the sample she took in the graveyard. Layla observes the scene and the body/armour folds back into the lawnmower thing and begins to drive off. As it passes Layla it stops to face Layla and the humanoid construction erects itself. In a deep, computerised voice it says, "Threat detected, please identify." Layla steps out of cover and says she's not a threat (yet). It detects her as a human "anomaly" and asks her to identify herself. Layla says she's a human and it decides to "purge" her. The friends find themselves in combat at the same time.

The "Lumberjack" machine's eyes flicker red and a red tint covers its body, which is covered in metal plates with tubes interwoven. Layla tries to observe it to see how to turn it off. Its arm moves out and 4 tubes come out. In a series of motions, the arm becomes a minigun and it fires and Layla dodges the barrage. In the alleyway, the three vampires put their game faces on and their teeth and bulbous features appear. Robbie is unaffected, being immune to fear, which perplexes them. One goes to punch Barnaby, who parries the blow. One tries a jump-kick at Robbie, but he parries the blow, and the vampire rolls up behind Robbie and Bob. The last vampire picks up a pipe and smacks Robbie in the jaw. Barnaby gets out a stake and fails to stake one of the vampires to the heart. The vampires recognise them as vampire hunters. Rob tells Barnaby he thinks the game's up and gears up: dex suit, armour suit, railgun. Robbie says it's really cool and punches the vampire with the pipe and drops him. The girls hand back and think it's just a fight between guys who like them.

Layla doesn't see an obvious way to shut the Lumberjack off (though there may be a command phrase). There is a weak-point on the gatling gun where the ammunition feed is, and on the left arm there is a tank (which may indicate a flamethrower). The left arm also appears to have a chainsaw appendage. Layla tries to kick and grapple to push the weapons away. She grabs and kicks the right arm (the one with the gatling), buckling the metal. However, the metal absorbs some of the damage. The exterminator announces that it is recalculating Layla's threat level and ignites its flamethrower and burns her. The guy who got punched down grapples Robbie, who declares it is a hug. The main vampire picks up the bar and hits Robbie twice. The last one tries to disarm Barnaby but he parries the attack. Barnaby ignores him and punches the guy grappling Robbie twice, declaring that they are not vampire hunters. Robbie tries to grab the head of the vampire grabbing him and crush it but fails.

Robert shoots at the vampire leader but misses and hits the vampire in front of Robbie and blows out his cheek. The girls clap at the fight since they can't see the vampires' faces. Back with the Slayer, Layla tries to topple the exterminator bot using the grapple-hold she has on her arm and sends it over, flat on its back. In response it gets out its chainsaw and flames Layla, though she dodges it. Layla sees something on its back as she does this. Back in the alley, the vampire holding Robbie tries to sweepkick Robbie but lacks the strength and he remains standing. The lead vampire grapples Robert's arm, while the guy next to Barnaby tries again and fails to grab the stake. Barnaby goes to stake to the heart the vampire trying to attack Robbie and dusts him then punches the guy who tried to grab his stake and breaks his nose. Rob takes his sunlight torch out and shines it at the vampire, but the vampire palms it away. Robbie grapples the vampire attacking Barnaby by the hair and tries to pull the guy's head off. Robbie fails to decapitate the vampire but the vampire's neck is dislocated.

Layla goes to punch the thing on the back of the Lumberjack and dislodges it, leaving it hanging by some cables. Plastic cracks and something inside the thing makes a ceramic cracking sound. The flickering light on it goes off and another light goes red. The robot announces that it has suffered damage and seeks repair assistance, then turns into travel form. Layla tries to hold on to the arm but fails to stop it and she is dropped to the ground. Layla picks up the part that she punched and which fell off.

Back outside *The Basement*, the vampire grappling Robert hits Robert twice with the metal bar. The vampire grappled by Robbie fails to break three as Robbie laughs at it, creeping out Barnaby, who puts the vampire out of his misery by stabbing him in the chest. Robbie's face falls as Barnaby goes to throw a punch at the vampire attacking his brother. Bobert tries with the torch again but fails. Robbie grabs the vampire by the head and drives his head onto his knee. Robbie slowly rips the guy's head off, asking the guys if he's "doing this right", horrifying the Davidson brothers. As the dust clears the brothers can see where the skin parted after the vampire punched Robbie and they can see sparking. Robbie asks whether there's any blood while Robert goes behind him to take a look.

Back with Layla, she yells at the machine that it forgot something and runs after it, but it begins to speed away from her; they carry the chase into the town. In the street lighting Layla can see that the item was a (now broken) hard drive. At the alley the guys see the machine drive away, and they notice Layla chasing after it. Layla gives up the chase and joins the guys. Robert sees sparks slowly falling from Robbie's head. The girls who were in the alley complain about where the vampires have gone, and Barnaby tells them that if they want to date weird creepy dudes to do it with Ned. They agree begrudgingly, though one grabs Robbie's bum. The guys tell Layla they didn't see the machine, as they were busy with vampires. Robert asks Robbie whether he was being genuine with the question of the blood, and Robbie touches his hand to the back of his head. His hand becomes covered in a viscous liquid, like a gel. Robbie is convinced it is blood; Rob figures out that Robbie is a robot and tells him that he's the doctor he needs and the others reassure him. Robbie declares that he trusts his friends.

## Notes

1. BENTHAM STATED THE GUN EE
2. Robbie is apparently "fully functional" in the gentleman's region.