recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
The Incident

## WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!

Who the Hell do you think you are?! What makes you think you can mention *that*, and *here*?!? Do you know how many lives were lost? How many hurt? Why would you ***ever*** even bring that up? When I go to bed at night, I cry myself to sleep. EVERY GOD-DAMNED NIGHT!!! You know why?!? Because of PEOPLE LIKE YOU! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FORGET?!?!?!?

.

.

.

.

I'm sorry.. I was...a bit frank I'll admit...

It's just that, well, ever since... um,

Well.

.

First of all, we DO NOT speak of the incident. Everyone in Logan High School knows what the incident is. Once you step on Logan High grounds you are immediately pulled aside by Officer Graves into the theatre with all the other freshmen to hear someone, whose face is covered as to conceal their identity, recount the incident. He insists he had nothing to do with the incident but the fear and guilt in his voice tells a different story. The story is so traumatic that most of the freshmen begin fits of screaming and crying and many are carried out in a stretcher. Those who remain are are scarred for life. This assembly and every other assembly following it is ended with "...and remember, we don't talk about the incident."

> "*The incident? You want to know about the incident?! I have a better question for you, who the fuck do you think you are asking about the incident? I have spent everyday of my life trying to forget the incident, and you have the audacity to ask about it? People like you make me sick to my stomach. Thinking you have some sort of divine right to all knowledge on this earth, not knowing how lucky you are in your ignorance. I should kill you right where you stand. If I catch you asking stupid questions about the incident again you will know EXACTLY why we NEVER talk about the incident.*"
> ― Mr. Dapaolo
>
>
Choloqueous Zarbomdem

Have you heard of Choloqueous Zarbomdem? I didn't think so. Few have. Indeed, good ol' Choloq is a testament to the horrible fact of the progression of time. You will not find him in any history books, just as future generations will not see your name listed on the register of People Who Mattered. Like you, Choloq lived, dreamed, and loved. And when his time came, just as yours surely will, he passed from this earth. He was remembered, certainly, by his friends, his family, and even his enemies. But as the years, decades, centuries passed, his memory was slowly lost in the minds of the masses. Now, there are but few who care to recall that he even existed. Yet, it musn't be that way. We are all Choloqs, every one of us. We will die, we will be forgotten, and we will become lost to the mists of time. But we can take solace in the fact that in spite of it all, we *existed*. There are millions like you throughout the past, present and future. Think of them, as some of them must surely occasionally think of you. And take heart in the fact that regardless of what happens, you happened. Enjoy life. Look around you. Don't let it slip by; take time to enjoy every moment. Remember that the painful times make the sweet times worthwhile. And, most of all, take a moment to appreciate how many have been, are, or will be in the same situation as you. Appreciate Choloq. Because even though he was not popular by conventional standards, he will still be remembered in our mortal and ephemeral hearts.
Attractive Hair Committee

The AHC is the growing countermovement to the Bald Alliance. Headed by Chairman Carlson, it is steadfastly dedicated to the promotion of the most attractive hair possible amongst Logan's staff and students. They are the saviors of our kind, and should be and are held in high regard by the general populace.

To help direct your gratitude, below are a few of the notable members of this illustrious society

.

## Mr. Carlson

### Superpower

Can coach pole vault and eat celery simultaneously

## Rick Astley

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&feature=youtu.be

### Superpower

Will never give you up, let you down, run around, or desert you
Bighand

The elusive Bighand is cryptid that has been repeatedly spotted in Logan High. Although there are many skeptics, I personally am a firm believer that Bighand roams the Logan halls.

## Sightings

Very few people have laid eyes on Bighand himself, but there have been abnormally large hand and thumb prints left around the school. Although skeptics say that these supposed hand prints could be anything, they fail to give any believable alternative. The table in these pictures is also especially wobbly, suggesting that Bighand has violent tendencies, and a slap possessing superhuman strength.

## Description

The few people who have seen Bighand have described him as being a hairy humanoid with large palms and fingers. However, although the his fingers are much larger compared to that of a normal human, his fingers are quite small in proportion to his palms.

## Witness Testimony

> "*I have had many encounter with this large fingered fella. He's actually pretty chill. Me and him go back behind the school to smoke weed and watch anime on his phone, which he positively cannot hold on account of his GARGANTUAN hands.*"
> ― Logan Student #46395392542069
>
>

> "*He hand to big for he gotdam body.*"
> ― D'Angelo Criscone
>
>

> "*Someone should make a page on the Logan Wiki about it.*"
> ― Me
>
>

## Possible Explanation

Skeptics say that Bighand is actually just a hairy member of Logan's nudist population with particularly large metacarpi, but many just chalk it up to mass hysteria. Another explanation is that this is the missing link between our SUPER big handed ancestors and the regular handed people of the present.
The Balds™

## Thaying

Thaying, an absolute mad man. A complete beauty that once wasn't bald but recently shaved his head. Fucking idiot, he could've been a cool guy™ but now we gotta shun the fuck outta him.

## D'Angelo

THE mad lad. Ate pure ketchup, we must fear him. All other mad lads are fake. Fear the mad lad for the the madness of this lad will consume you. He's b.

## Mr. Morris

### Other

Favorite Element is Neckel

These are the schools residential Balds™. They should be shamed, shunned, and rejected from society. If you see them in the street don't look or you'll encourage them.

## The Bald Alliance

Though not explicit, these heinous individuals are generally accepted to be plotting something horrendous. The details are as thin as the members' hair, but the BA has been rumoured to hold meetings dedicated to the "destruction and undermining of all you hold dear" in regards to your hair. The current advice from the Attractive Hair Committee is to steer clear of these baddies if at all possible. If contact is inevitable, Chairman Carlson advises that you back away slowly and avoid eye contact.

## Biographical information

### Marital status

Married to \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* \*\*\*\*\*\*\*

## Konicheck

The almighty, the divine, the judge, jury and excecutioner
Death of a Wiki

Friends, Romans, countrymen; lend me your ears. It is my utmost regret to inform the few of you still left on this wiki that this wiki is dying. Now, I know a webpage can't die in the same way as a human being dies, but let me tell you all, losing this wiki has felt a bit like watching a good friend die, and it has pained me greatly.

But I'm sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Before I get too far here, I'd like to recap what this wiki has meant to me, and I'm sure to you all as well. First of all, we had a good run. Now, I don't say this just to say it; I truly believe deep down in my heart that this wiki has had more high points than any of us could have expected. We started this wiki as a joke, albeit a weak, fleeting joke. When I think of what it turned into, through the hard work of many whom I never expected, it brings me nearly to tears. Looking back on our wiki–and I say *our* wiki–I laughed; I cried; I was moved in profound ways I can't hope to be able to explain. I even had to use the bathroom a little. But overall, what hit me the most was how this little brain fart, started as a feeble attempt at humour, evolved into the beautiful thing we all came to love, and became this through your efforts. Friends, I can't thank you enough for this. What you have done for me, for all of us, is astounding.

Now, maybe you feel this wiki is *not* dying. Friends, I wish that were the case. I know it has meant as much, if not more to you all as it has to me. However, to deny this tragedy is to deny truth itself. There is no avoiding it. Our views per day are nearly zero. Our edits have declined, from regular to sporadic at best. Even ManWhoEdits, whom we all thought would be the last to let The Wiki die, has not edited the wiki in a long while. Ranger News is all but silent. Yes, friends, I am sad to say it, but say it I must. This wiki is dying, if not dead already. If, in some version of the future you prove me wrong, I shall be overjoyed, but until then let us not deny the unfortunate facts.

Let us lay this wiki to rest in dignity. There will be no fading out of memory of this wiki, no sir. Though it may fade through the years, and though it may have been a small endeavor, there is nothing small about the way we, the few, feel about it. Let it live on in our memories. Let it live on in our hearts. Let it live on in every piece of satire we ever may write, knowing that this wiki was the brainstorming and developmental platform on which many if not all of us got our starts. It may have been brief, but the lifetime of this wiki was bright. We did something beautiful here, and let us never forget it. The phenomenon known to us simply as The Wiki happened, and happened to us in such a way as to touch the very foundations of our beings, and there is no way anyone can take that away from us. Let us never forget.

...

I would now ask that we have a brief moment of silence in memory of a wiki we all loved.

...

...

Thank you all. And let it be said just this once more: "Long live Brother Gnewikow!"
Halloween

It's October, meaning halloween is just around the corner. We have a lot of fun activities planned. As we know, halloween is the one day a year where the veil the spirit and physical world is thin enough that weaker spirits and demons can cross over with the proper assistance. The board game club will be holding their annual seance, when they will bring back all the deceased students of Logan High. Feel free to say "hi" or strike up a friendly conversation with any of the spirits you pass by. Although many of these ghost did die in The Incident, we would like to offer a friendly reminder: WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE INCIDENT. No student alive or dead is allowed to talk about The Incident in any way. Another event to look forward to is the costume contest. Brother Gnewikow recommends dressing up as your friends and family because according to Brother Gnewikow "There is no greater monster than those closest to us" couldn't have said it any better myself! Your wisdom is truly never ending and will surely guide us towards salvation!

Further info: the singing of the song "This Is Halloween" from *The Nightmare Before Christmas* is still banned, for obvious reasons.
Weed

## Pro-Weed

Pot, Weed, Dope, Smoke, Smoack, Green, Broccoli, Leaf, THC Party, and Marijuana. These are all names for the drug that we all know and love. Guess what? If you have a declining moral mindset, lack of education and/or poor social relations, then smoking pot is the solution for you! There's also a thing called "medicinal marijuana". If you get a boo-boo on your leg, then all you have to do is take a hit on a joint and you'll feel *a lot* better. If your life sucks so much to the point that to find happiness you need the assistance of a hallucinogen, then why not smoke dope? I know that its illegal, but the cops don't know what your going through! In conclusion, smoking pot is cool. Plus, we can tax it too to create revenue! That should theoretically maybe almost help offset a little bit of the cost in health and productivity loss from legalizing.
Idiotic Idioms

Idioms are surprisingly common in the english language. However, many of them are no longer relevant in today's society. This article seeks to identify and correct many of these outdated tropes.

## Don't count your chickens before they hatch

Who even raises chickens? Chickens are all produced by giant chicken companies now.

## Don't cry over spilt milk

This is a welcoming, loving, and caring community if you need to cry, that's acceptable. In fact, we will do everything in our power to shelter you from any type of valuable learning experience.
Wow, Look at This Miserable Son of a Bitch

Do you ever feel like a Miserable Son of a Bitch? No need to worry! Laugh out your pain by reading about these poor motherfuckers, or blow off steam writing about all your horrible and debilitating anxieties and failures so we can laugh at you.

## The time someone shit in the pool\

hey little known fact: someone dropped a fat dookie in the swimming pool and the swim team couldn't go to practice for a while. does anyone remember that? it happened like a month ago. So if u are the shitty swimmer please come forward and accept your trophy

## Everybody in the School District of La Crosse

### 1/22

La Crosse is like the ONLY school to NOT close school. Every. God. Damned. Time. Seriously, what the hell??? What we really need is for someone to crash and die on the way to school to make Randy feel more lenient about snow days. Come on, somebody pick up the slack here and take one for the team.

## Ron Sanders

### 1/21

Local freshman Ron Sanders has been reported as "completely defeated" after he was brutally rejected yet again by a girl way out of his league. "You know I thought I had a chance this time... I really thought that we had something good going on, but I guess she wasn't ready to take our relationship past the level of someone I see at school twice a day". Despite his extremely romantic offer to share his meager rations of greasy school pizza, Sandra (who's *toootally* a babe too) completely shut him down with one fell "ehww." Fortunately, Ron now realizes that just because a girl acknowledges him in the hallway, it does not mean that she is madly in love with him but too nervous to express her true feelings.

## Derek Parkson

### 1/21

Derek had always been a big swimmer. Ever since he was a little boy splashing around in the shallow end of Erickson pool, he was drawn to the water, and spent every free hour backstroking, front crawling, diving, frolicking, cannonballing, splashing. Alas, Derek was never a very bright one, so one day he decided to eat a toasted bagel in the pool with his pet hamster, Chubbs. Sadly, neither Chubbs nor Derek are seen around Erickson pool these days. In memory, I'd like to ask all readers to please eat a bagel for Derek, and give your hamster a hug for Chubbs. Derek and Chubbs, you will be missed.

## Anonymous

I promised I'd wait forever.

She held me to it.
Registration

## It's Registration Day!

Yup, it's that time of year again. Time to stand in line, get atrocious pictures taken, stand in line, turn in forms, stand in line, get your schedule looked at, stand in line, and get your computer. So exciting! Here's a brief look at some of the higher points of Logan's Registration Day:

### Pictures

You don't want them, your friends don't want them, but your parents need something to give all those relatives you never see so they can put them up on their fridge with the hundred other pictures of distant grandchildren/nieces/nephews/who even knows. This is the place everybody swears that next year they'll do something goofy, but every year, when the moment comes and the cameraman tells you to smile nice, you chicken out like it's fucking KFC.

### Schedules

Why they even bother to try to make everyone a schedule I don't know. Somehow every Tom, Dick, and Sally always end up needing their schedule changed, hence the great Period of Waiting. If you've ever read anything about Purgatory, it's something like that, only with longer lines and half the time they can't do anything to fix your horribly mangled schedule anyway. The Period of Waiting is the only exception to the hazing ban the activities department has enacted, as no aspiring student can progress to the next grade level without proving their valor and worthiness during this time of trial.

### Laptops

Hooray, you can look at naughty videos and surf amazon for a new vape pen again!
Teacher Quotes

There are many fabulous teachers at Logan, and you would do well to heed their wise words.

## Lakmann

(Following a drawing of a clarinet that looked suspiciously like male genitalia) "Just hold the 'D'"

## Marohl

"I suck."

"That doesn't change the fact that you're a loser"

## Kammer

"When it's cold at night, and warm during the day, tap that baby!"

## McMullen

"Somebody's hopes and dreams are crushed every day" (citation needed).

## Gruen

(our best compliment we've ever received) "Is that like the Onion but for Logan High School?"

"There's 800 kids at this school trying to watch Dude Perfect right now"

"It's impossible to get 100 percent but there is still a college out there somewhere that will take you"

"I mean, really, High School relationships are destined to fall flat on their face. Sorry."

"There is no such thing as succ" (his most famous Science Matters quote)

## Pitz

"I bully people every day and it makes me so happy"

"And that ruined lesbian porn for me forever"

## Bo Fatty

### (Although not a teacher, Bo Fatty is a member of the CoC clan The Fake Mafia and the curators of The Wiki thought it necessary to include this historic monologue)

"you fucker

i just went to my builder base and when i got back some big ol jackass tree decided to plant itself plum in the middle of myyard

visit me

look at that little bitch

standing there so smugly like the shit guzzling dicot it is

i aughta take an axe to that mofo like its f\*cking hoodwinked and im that giant-ass lumberjack that sells snitzel

i tell you, if that little hardwood brat starts acting deciduous on my pristine lawn i will hack its limbs off like its 75AD

Hiroshima aint got nothing on whats coming to this photosynthetic parapatetic

i swear this miserable little son of a bitch aint worth 10000 elixir

his sorry little life aint worth a cent

he should be paying me not to end his sorry life

then again maybe he should pay me to end it

that fucker aint got nothing to live for

he should just go drink some herbicide and do us all a favor

AAAUGH WHAT THE HELL THERES ANOTHER ONE

THAT SMALL-PEEPEED TREE HAS COMPANY

i got it: ima kill his friend and let him watch as the sap runs out of that bitch's miserable little trunk

goodness knows he deserves it

as soon as my builder gets done in 56min 32 sec hes toast

firewood even"

## Brother Gnewikow

"I'm not on social media, because that's a *nasty* place."

## Beck

"I don't know what I'm doing, either. I just work here."

## Martin

"My son is a part-time nudist."

"Whats a yeet?"
Aristotle

Aristotle is Logan High School's internet/laptop monitoring program. The school staff claims that the program monitors all use of laptops, by sending alerts to said staff whenever a student types in a cuss word or even views a cuss word (or any word that leads them to believe the internet policy is being violated) on their screen. The staff claim that they have had to call students into the office because Aristotle sent them an alert that the word "porn" appeared on the students screen.

However, many students question whether or not this is true as students have claimed to have seen/done much worse things on their laptop and not gotten called into the office at all (examples will not be provided as no one is still quite sure whether this is true or not).

Assuming that the school is bluffing about the circumstances in which they call students into the office, use of words like "fuck," "shit," "bitch," and so on will not lead to any persons being apprehended by school staff (which many of the LHS Wiki contributors will appreciate).
School Spirit

There is a spirit loose in the school. If you see it, please report it to the office, they will notify the local ghostbusters. The spirit appears to be the ghost of a former student whose cause of death is UNKNOWN and should NOT be looked into further. All that is known about this mysterious apparition is that he was a total asshole during his life, and remains so in death. He uses his supernatural powers to steal pencils, possess people to stand in the halls and make Logan High School cold as tits. From time to time, usually on Thursday, he will float through the halls recounting the events of The Incident. This is the only time when we do not acknowledge his presence. If you are able, cover your ears and say "lalalalalala! You're not real! I can't hear you!" We find this helps a great deal.

update: reconaissance has confirmed new information

1: His name is Tim

2: He's still a dick
Abuse

Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?

Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that...

Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!

Man: What?

A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!

M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!

A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!

M: Oh! Oh I see!

A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.

M: Oh...Sorry...

A: Not at all!

A: (under his breath) stupid git.
Career Expo

## Why it was dope

* No SCHOOL!!!!!
* Bunch of cool cats staying fly??/ \*insert sunglasses emoji\*
* We was out here

## Cringe

So this bitch ass sign said "Counseling and mental health," i asked two people where mental health and counseling was, they both pointed to the same place. I ended up at this dumb bitch's kiosk ass stand and she said "yeah this is mental health and counseling, but for the first half of this head ass shit i'm gonna talk about musical therapy."

And like, first off, that's bullshit, but I could live with that right? No though, this dumb cunt shit went the whole 25 minutes talking about musical therapy, some pseudoscience ass shit about remember music or whatever. The entire time we were all waiting for this bitch to actually talk about counseling and mental health, but she just kept talking about music therapy. The entire time it felt like she was shoving a metaphorical trombone up my brain's asshole. It was agonizing and I feel entitled to financial compensation.

Finally when it was done, and we had all accepted that she would never talk about actual therapy, this wench, this absolute hag, had the audacity to ask "does anyone have any questions on music therapy" we all kept our mouths shut, hoping against hope that she would realize that she wasted everyone's time talking about music therapy, and give us a summary of the counseling speech that we were PROMISED, but she gave no such summary. She fucking KNEW she was only going to talk about music therapy, she fucking KNEW she was lying and misleading us. The announcement came on telling us all to go home and I left, feeling robbed and tricked.
Notices and Current Events

## Public Notices

### 1/22: Purge

As this Wiki becomes more relevant, it is apparent that although funny, there are some specific articles on this site that are bad, and I mean baaaad. Even though editors made a disclaimer statement, it is still very risky to publish as this is a third party site. As of January 22nd 2019 all compromising pages, sentences and words have been deleted.

### 1/22: Notice Of How Easy It Is To Disable Aristotle

Ok, so maybe this wiki makes you nervous of authority, with their all-powerful techies and their Aristotle programs. That's reasonable. Luckily for you, the Wiki Staff have devised an ingenious way to evade the harsh rule of the higher-ups. All you have to do is go to settings->accessibility->privacy and *turn it off*. It's that easy! Anyways, have yourself a fucking good time without the constant gaze of Aristotle over your shoulder.

### 1/15: Notice to Editors

Alright, so one of the best things about this wiki is how we don't have to bow down to politically correctness and school authorities. This wiki is about Logan, by Logan, for Logan. I get that. But let's be careful about going too over the top, because it might come and bite us in the butt later. Or at least cover your tracks so you don't get caught.

In summary: 1) Keep dropping cuss words if it's necessary to advance the humour. 2) Keep up the good work. 3) Either try not to say really horrible things or cover your tracks.

.

### 1/15: New Opinion Page

A new page titled "Opinion" has been created. Please feel free to voice your opinion about any topic that you are brave enough to tackle.

.

### 1/14: Notice of Effort to Raise Choco Taco Rating

You are all invited to write a review and/or help raise the average rating of choco tacos on the Klondike website. Let's make Daddy Gnewikow proud.

.

### 11/idk-----1/14 update

If you don't know already, you're dumb. This wiki is dead.

1/14 update: maybe not we'll see

.

### Vandal On Loose

As reported by Ranger News, we have a vandal on the loose here on the Logan Wiki. Anyone with information on the identity or whereabouts of the criminal person calling him/herself AWAKEN SHEEPLE should contact the authorities immediately. Our Private Eye is on the case, please help him in any way possible.

## See Also:

Me Too

Private Investigation

Ranger News

Expired Pages

The Day of Reckoning
Clubs

There are many clubs that students participate in at Logan High. Feel free to add any additional clubs that Logan has gay.

## Core Clubs

The four main clubs of Airstrip Logan are the Peace Club, Love Club, Plenty Club and Truth Club.

## AGB Club

The Anti-Gang-Banging Club is a very important pillar of the Logan community. Members of this club encourage their peers to not participate in Gang-Banging. Jae Walters used to be their main, sworn enemy, but they are now on the hunt for new targets after his fleeing by raft to the gang capital of the world. Of course, I mean Lithuania. God, them Lithuanians are nasty buggers.

.

See also: Extra Curricular
This Wiki is Un-Dead

What, you thought this wiki could ever truly die? I thought you would know this about the internet by know; everything on the internet lasts forever! The thought that this site could ever die is ridiculous in its entirety.

Stop mourning something that isn't dead, just remember Airstrip Logan's first ever senior quote:

"The sad boi don't get no cheesecake, they just give him a bagel instead"

–Abraham Lincoln
Salvador

## Salvador

### Interesse

Farol da Barra
Centro Histórico de Salvador
Mercado Modelo
Pelourinho
Praia da Barra
Praia do Flamengo
Elevador Lacerda
Praia de Itapuã
Arena Fonte Nova
Morro do Cristo

### Habitantes Notaveis

Jeremias Santos de Carvalho e seus pais
Ana Raquel Barreto e seus pais
Gislane Oliveira Santos
Cristian Silva
entre outros

## Apariçoes

### Novela

*Ás Aventuras de Jeremias
Á Pertubação
Anfitrião do Fantasma
(não lançada)*

### Quadrinho

*Á Pertubação: Preludio*
*Á Pertubação: Epilogo*
*Anfitrião do Fantasma: Preludio*

Salvador é a capital do Estado da Estado da Bahia.
Ranger Language

## Overview

Ranger language is the official language of Logan High School, aka Airstrip Logan. All other languages are prohibited, as Ranger Language creates a welcoming and unified culture within the school. Upon entry to the premises, you will be asked to surrender all knowledge of languages aside from Ranger Language, and may pick it up upon your exit.

## Origin

Ranger Language evolved as a culmination of indo-european, bohemian, and mandarin chinese roots. How these languages mixed is an interesting story involving beer, ostriches, and a severe mishandling of weapons-grade plutonium, but unfortunately the records of this event were devoured in the tumultuous termite invasion and subsequent Glorious Revolution of 1984. It is known for certain, however, that this pinnacle in the evolution of language was brought about by the great Brother Gnewikow. Regardless of the more fine details, Ranger Language remains the official language of Airstrip Logan.

## A Quick Guide

Words such as "fucking" are strictly prohibited. Instead, use "ƒüKçîñq," shouted at the top of one's lungs.

Yelling "Bitch-ass cunt muffin!" across the room is considered a sign of peace and friendship.

No words exist to criticize Brother Gnewikow, since no logical person would ever want to.
Banana touch

## Overview

The banana touch is game that started at Logan High School. It's rules are similar to tag and it's based of the "cheese touch" from the *Diary of a Wimpy Kid.* It lasted for exactly four months and sparked a spirit of betrayal and distrust in the hearts of its participants that will last long after the game.

## Origin

On one cold afternoon, on the 8th of January, a banana was thrown at the table of group of Logan High School students. The banana was picked up by Colin Miller. Shortly after Colin picked up the banana, Bennett exclaimed "Colin's got the banana touch" as reference to the hit kids novel series *Diary of a Wimpy Kid* by Jeff Kinney. The touch was quickly spread around the table ending with Bill who passed it on to Ian during english and then quit.

The early days of the banana touch were complete chaos. There were no rules and no penalty for having the touch. As a result no one knew whether or not a pass was considered legitimate and at the same time know one really cared because it didn't matter one way or the other.

## The Banana Touch Renaissance

The banana touch was quickly beginning to fade out and it was clear that it was in dire need of reform. All participants of the banana touch were given access to a google slides power point containing concrete rules for what counted as a legitimate pass as well as a new randomized punishment feature to give people the initiative to pass the touch.

### The Rules

1. You must make physical contact with someone to pass the touch
2. If they have their fingers crossed their safe
3. Their fingers must be visible or else it doesn't count (i.e. can't be in pockets)
4. When you end the week with the touch you have to do the punishment that was randomly chosen from a list of punishments

## The Fall

All good things must come to an end and such is the case with the banana touch. After a few weeks of little to no activity, it ended on the 8th of April 2019 making last for four full months. The banana touch ended with Nathan Jarret who will now have it forever.

## Notable Banana Touch Moments (feel free to add)

* Gabe Miller, D'Angelo Criscone and Bennett Ryan snuck into the house of Max Roswall to give him the banana touch
* For a punishment Jacob Wallace had to eat a whole onion but he quit halfway through (still a lot of onion)
* Gabe had to take a shit with the stall door open
* Abie Sprain had an egg. In his pocket. See History.
Straight White Male

There are many problems on this earth, and there are some people who think that my status as a straight white male has exempted me from these problems. But believe me, I have problems too.

### Forgot Password

So you know when you make an account for something? Like Netflix, Club Penguin, or US Bank for example. And then you have to make a password, so you choose something simple like your birthday, your pet's name, or simply "password". Then weeks go by, you happily go about your life, daily accessing your many accounts. And you're smart, so you save time by having the computer "remember your password", right? But then one day you have to shut down your computer, or log into a different device, and you go to remember your password and... *blank*. Your mind is absolutely *blank*. So then what do you have to do? You have to click on that stupid little "did you forget your password?" link at the bottom. You know that the computer is laughing at you as you have to journey through the very inconvenient process of sending a password reset email to yourself, then checking your email, and finally re-entering your new password. And you think you're safe. You think that you will never forget your newest password (password123). But believe me when I say that you will come crawling back in a few months, begging the website to send you a password reset confirmation email. It is a continuous scenario that you will *never* escape. A scenario that harms many people (especially straight white males) on a daily basis. I can only hope for a day in the future where my straight white male brethren would live in peace.

### N-word

Why can't I say the n-word? What the heck! I feel so discriminated against now that everybody is like "nOoOo, you can't say that it's racist" Like what am I supposed to say? African American?? I bet it's cuz I'm white, isn't it. Yeah, that's it. The n-word is some "black culture" word or something that black people use to call each other, but as soon as I, a WHITE PERSON says it, it's all racist pig this and inconsiderate whore that. Damn. It just makes me feel so oppressed. Anyway, slavery was a choice, so whats everybody so mad about?
LMC

LMC stands for our Lamb Murdering Center, Logan's on-site slaughterhouse.

## Uses

The LMC is the source for much of Cafe Logan's meat products. It is also a place many of the students like to hang out during free periods, both because of the bloodshed and because sometimes the butchers (nicknamed "librarians") will let people take a sample or two.
Shrek Week

Every year the students of Logan High have a week to commemorate the fictional character known as Shrek, who stars in the 2001 computer animated comedy, based off the picture book by William Stieg. Starring the voice of Mike Meyers, the DreamWorks film became an instant smash hit, sparking a Shrek phenomenon across the globe.

We encourage students to dress up as their favorite character from any of the 4 movies. Screenings of *Shrek, Shrek 2, Shrek the Third, and Shrek Forever After* will be shown throughout the week, as well the holiday themed *Shrek the Halls,* and *Scarred Shrekless.* There will be a daily auction for Shrek-themed paraphernalia. The main event is the onion eating contest held at the conclusion of the week.
Racism is Stupid

## Holy Shit

Good news: Racism is Stupid. According to a bombshell poster put up outside the ISS room (in-school suspension, not international space station), We Are The Same Animal and Racism Is Stupid.

## This Changes Everything

I know for me personally, this is big news. Before I saw this poster, I was committing hate crimes on the order of 13 to 50 crimes per week. But this, now this changes everything. I can't believe that I didn't see it sooner: We Are The Same Animal and Racism Is Stupid. Just like all the different kinds of dogs, like chocolate labs, yellow labs, black labs, and golden retrievers, people are all the same animal. It logically follows if this poster is correct that there are golden humans, black humans, yellow humans, and chocolate humans, but in the end Racism Is Stupid because We Are The Same Animal.

I've turned my life around. I've stopped committing hate crimes and have started committing love crimes. Really, when I look back on who I was before the poster was put up, I'm horrified. I just don't see how I could have been so blind.

## What This Means For You

This means several things for you. Specifically,

1. Regardless of our different breeds and significant genetic differences implied by this sign, We Are The Same Animal.
2. Racism Is Stupid. You surely did not know this before, but it is. You should just stop being racist. (This means no more hate crimes. Not even one. I know that's difficult, but Racism Is Stupid.)
3. Dogs are capable of sentient thought. They clearly wrote the sign. So be nice to Fido, because he is a different animal than you and therefore entitled to be racist. I would suggest preemptive retaliation, preferably involving pitchforks.
Pool Monster

Many Logan students have reported seeing a monster in the Logan High School pool. In addition, there have been many unexplained disappearances in the pool that seem explainable by no means except Pool Monster.

## Description

Witnesses have described the supposed monster as being covered in scales with a mane like you would see on horse, only this one is more unkempt and has bits of the guck found on the floor of the Logan High pool in it. They have also reported it having many rows of teeth like a shark: each one is stained with blood and they are all razor sharp.  The creature supposedly has four legs and has a long tail it swishes back and forth when it is about to attack.

## Supernatural Abilities

* Telepathy (usually used to tell people to go to the deep end or swim down)
* Controls the weather with emotions
* Glow in the dark
* Bullet proof
* Fucks your mom
* Invisibility
* Gives you a migraine if you look directly at it
* Is just really big

## Possible Explanation

The most likely scenario is that there is no pool monster and these are all just sensationalized stories about a diseased Pool Shark.
Ranger Success

## A More Elegant Disciplinary System For A More Civilized Age

Good news: no more PBIS. That acronym has been deemed unworthy of utterance by the great and venerable Brother Gnewikow. News that has yet to be determined as good or bad: Ranger Success has been enacted. Apparently Rangers weren't Successful enough before, because there's a new sheriff in town, and that sheriff's name is Ranger Success. Resting upon the Four Pillars of Success and cemented by the cornerstones of Kudos Cards, Positive Praise, Students of the Month, and Celebrations For Students Who Are In Good Academic Standing And Do Not Receive Discipline Referrals, the grand edifice of Ranger Success shall shelter us all beneath its formidable umbrage.

## The Four Pillars

In order to walk the Way of Success, Rangers are encouraged to live by the Four Pillars: Respect, Responsibility, Resilience, and Reflection (not to be confused with the Three Rs–readin', writin', and 'rithmatic).

### Respect

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me. Soc it to me soc it to me soc it to me soc it to me Respect. Yeah, that's about all I got.

### Responsibility

Responsibility is all about stepping up, owning what's yours, and being reliable in doing what you gotta do. According to *The Heart of Darkness*, this is a quality reserved for men, so sorry ladies, Ranger Success is a chauvinist lie.

### Resilience

I'd write something here, but I still have a few weeks before I have to be Ranger Successful and I'm not feeling Resilient.

### uoᴉʇɔǝlɟǝɹ

Hindsight is 20/20, and that's why reflection is so important. Here at Logan, we emphasize hindsight and reflection by encouraging students to spend hours looking at their hind parts in their reflection.

## FAQs

Q: Does this mean I don't have to obey all that PBIS stuff?

A: What sort of treasonous question is that? I'll have your head for such seditious utterances!

Q: What happens if I don't follow the Way of the Four Pillars?

A: There's basically three options. Either you're publicly executed; you burn in Hell, never reach Success, and hence sit in your room feeling sorry for yourself; or an *Office Discipline Referral Form* will be filled out, and appropriate action will be taken by an administrator.

Q: Are there other ways to be Successful in life?

A: Yes, several. There's being a selfish asshole and screwing over everybody who has ever loved you, inheriting unholy sums of money, marrying someone rich, and taking advantage of the defunct American system through white-collar crime.

## The Buzz On The Street

> "*You gotta help me, bro! I wasn't resilient last week Tuesday, and now they're coming for me! Seriously, bro, you gotta do something! Anything! I don't want an Office Discipline Referral and Appropriate Administrative Action!!!!!!*"
> ― Jimmy Burken, Freshman
>
>

> "*I love Ranger Success so much! It really pushes me to be the best version of myself, and ever since Logan started doing Ranger Success I've just felt so much more Successful.*"
> ― Marissa Fisher, Junior (Paid for by Ranger Renaisance)
>
>

> "*Fuck school.*"
> ― Derek Oustman, Lacrosseroads Senior
>
>
Last Will and Testament

## Anonymous

I dunno man. Give my $$$ to whoever needs it the most. Or I guess whoever has the best lawyer. It really sucks that I'm dead now, ya know? I just kinda wish I wasn't 6 feet under, cuz Tim still owes me money. There's five bucks I'll never be able to spend. Oh yeah, and Fuck You, Cathy.

## Dwight Schrute

Ahem. May I have your attention, please. This will only take a moment of your time. *[takes out note and begins reading]* 'Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown. I will meet my new challenges head on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the face of those who doubt me. It's been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon. But remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall.'

In other words I'm quitting.

## Bill Clinton

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

## Everyone Who Ever Lived

If we ever get caught for doing this, I just want to say that it was worth it. Believe me when I say that I praise the perfect human being known to mortals as Brother Gnewikow. I sincerely hope that the blood from my public execution does not stain Brother Gnewikow. I also want to say that Aristotle did a fucking shit job at detecting our keystrokes.
Competitive Clapping

Competitive clapping is the biggest sport in Logan High school. It is not uncommon to see students frantically clapping against each other in the halls. This sport is so big in Logan, we believe it deserves its own page.

## History

The origins of competitive clapping date back to the 2018 homecoming assembly. After an amazing skit from the junior class, two students began clapping. They both refused to stop clapping, unwilling to admit that the other had more school spirit. This clapping contest was met with many cheers of encouragement from the other students. They went on clapping for an hour and ten minutes (which is considered rookie time by today's standards)

The unlikely victor was one Bennett Ryan. Ryan was much weaker than his opponent and won by pure power of will. At the time it was very controversial for Ryan to compete. During this time ginger discrimination was at its peak. Three separate people tried to physically stop Bennett from winning, but he pressed on. Even though Ryan won, he did not accept his reward (his opponents soul) citing that because he was ginger he had no need for one.

Ryan's victory was short lived, however. During the second ever competitive clapping contest he was defeated. Many fans of competitive clapping believe that there was cheating involved in his defeat and the referee should not have disqualified him.

Although the famous Bennet Ryan may have another chance at the third competition. This competition is specifically for a 3 hour long applause to break the world record.

## Rules

1. Any number of people can compete as long as there are more than two.
2. All competitors must keep a steady tempo, with the exception of a "Final Clap Showdown"
3. In the event of a Final Clap Showdown clappers must clap as hard as they can for as long as they can.
4. If any of the clappers say "let's give a round of applause for \_\_\_\_\_\_\_!" all other clappers must increase their clapping speed and intensity.
5. All losers lose ownership of their souls and must serve under the victor in hell for all eternity.
6. The winner receives (in addition to eternal servants) a sticker that says "you rock!"

## Clapping in Logan High

Competitive clapping is universally beloved in Logan. The Clapping Champions are some of the most respected people in the school, just below the Vape Club High Officers. People who heckle the competitive clappers are shunned and, in many cases, beaten to death.
Third Floor

## Přístup Odepřen

Je málo známé, že Logan High School má ve skutečnosti třetí patro. Toto patro se nachází nad druhým patrem. Chcete-li vstoupit do této podlaží, jednoduše pokračujte po druhé. Ačkoli není jisté, je podezření, že ve třetím patře se konají schůzky Stínové studentské vlády.

## Přístup Odepřen

Řekni, proč chceš vědět o třetím patře? Co vás zajímá? Z jakého důvodu jste tuto stránku navštívili?

## Přístup Odepřen

Dobře, čas vypršel. Víš moc, kámo. Věděli jste, že byste mohl klást otázky, ale stále jste se je ptali, že ano. Byl bych opravdu smutný, kdybych byl právě teď. Mohli byste se pokusit běžet, ale oba víme, jak dobře to bude fungovat.

## Přístup Odepřen

Máte devatenáct minut a čtyřicet tři sekund.
Buses

If you are one of the unfortunate souls who take the bus it's best you find out now that you are never going home. The bus system is designed in such a way so that getting you to Logan is no problem, but leaving is a hectic game of chance. You will receive zero notice of whether or not your bus is coming or not, or even worse, whether it has already left without you on it. It's sort of like gambling, if in gambling you stand outside in the cold and get sick when you lose, and get nothing when you win. Calling your parents to pick you up won't do you any good either considering outsiders are not permitted on Logan grounds. You might as well cut your losses, set up a tent, and declare Logan High School your new home–like many Logan students already have.

But I hear you asking "what if I have stuff I need to do? Like a job, what do I do then?" And the short answer is fuck you. You have only yourself to blame. You were the one who chose to have a life outside of Logan High School, which we all know is against school policy. However, Brother Gnewikow, in his infinite mercy has granted us exactly one cell phone call to call our loved ones and tell them goodbye forever. The bus company has issued the following statement

> "*I don't know what to tell you. Sometimes busses are late, but thats just how things are in this crazy, wack-ass universe we live in... You ever think about time? Like how it just keeps going and going without seeming to stop? Like even if this universe was empty and everything succumbed to heat death and died, time would keep going until the end of... well... time. When you really think about it, it's time's fault you're late for work. If time didn't exist then you couldn't be late for work because you would already be at work. Or you would never get to work, I'm not really sure how this whole time thing really works... But anyways we apologize for the inconvenience or whatever. Not that you have any other options anyway.*"
> ― Spokesperson For GO Riteway Transportation
>
>

P. S.

still thank the bus driver tho
Christmas 2018

Merry Christmas!

Tis the season of giving, and Logan High School is deciding to give back to its students this year.

For Christmas everyone will have the privilege of getting the gift of the illusion of freedom.

During Christmas break students will have plenty of time to relax with friends and family and, dare I say it, enjoy not going to school. Now students might feel like they no longer will have the responsibilities of school, such as that math quiz or chapter 6 to read or the constant fear of public execution. However, this is false. Brother Gnewikow is *always* watching. Students will enjoy having time to feel released from the vision of our fearless leader, but they know that when they return to school on January 2nd, the punishments will be severe.

Anyways, this year we have received the gift of false freedom–the gift that keeps on giving... freshmen fatal injuries.