It's Like Being Kriss (Rheine Fanfic)

*"I hope you find someone you can't live without. I really do. And I hope you never have to know what it's like to have to try and live without them." — America Singer*
Rheine was sick. No, like really, *sick*. She was well aware that she was burning up with fever, that she should probably check in to the hospital wing, and that Valentin and Cecilie and all the others would be lecturing her later for it, and that it would escalate into a full-scale shouting match again.

She didn't care.

The time crawled on as her quill scratched across the parchment relentlessly. Her vision was blurring from exhaustion and her head was spinning. It didn't matter to her. Right now, these papers were what mattered, her grades mattered, she DIDN'T MATTER.

And she never, ever would matter in her own head.

*I don't know why I just have to feel things so strongly. And why this hurts so much, and why this is like losing Lyssa all over again, and why I'm being...me.*

*It's not even just the Boyce thing. It's like everything is crashing down and all I can do is helplessly watch. Maybe it's some sort of insight? I don't know. Because even though I speak like it, act like it, no, I don't believe I know everything. I know nothing about people, I know nothing about myself, I known nothing about what's going on around me. It's why my friends - cough why do they still care what the fuck happens to me when they deserve a better "friend" who doesn't make them worry all the time and fucks everything up cough - have to slap me in the face with what's happening every moment. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do what I'm supposed to do.*

*So in hopes of trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, I'm just going to be stupid and write it all down. YAY GENIUS ME! HAHA, please note the sarcasm.*

*Tackling first things first: the you-know-what thing. I need to get this out of my system.*

*Okay. He's out of my league. That idiot's most definitely out of my league, always has, always will, and I hate myself for ever liking him. That was just ASKING for trouble on my part. Why? Why? OF ALL THE DAMN PEOPLE I HAD TO LIKE IT HAD TO BE HIM? Fuck you universe, playing a cosmic joke on me like this. Why do I even have to like people in that way anyway? Shouldn't I know by now that hearts will break, feelings will get hurt, and I'm just better off marrying my books?*

*This brings me back to my self-perception thing, which is seriously becoming irritating to even myself. I'm a shitty, horrible person who's selfish, who killed her sister, who was the reason her cousin turned into a werewolf, who's the reason her parents split up, and I should stop right there because I can come up with a million other so-called trivial reasons why somebody should kill me now and get a reward for it. I'm not going into a full rant about that all over again, so I'm going to sum it up: I should die, nobody should care, and nobody should even bury me and let me rot.*

*Even if somebody ever likes me, I should tell them to not do so because they don't know me at all if they like me. Because nobody deserves to be stuck with me. Back to the topic.*

*Fine. Fucking fine. I like Boyce Stephan Schmidt and he'll never ever like me back. This is like America and Aspen and Kriss, just more warped and genderbent, and I'm Kriss. Being Kriss hurts, it hurts a lot.*

*I quoted America Singer to him the other day before I walked off, you know? He looked confused, bless that dense boy. But I really meant it, because this? This feeling? This is the worst I've felt in my entire life, as selfish and as cliche it is to admit.*

*There are too many bad memories I have that I associate with Britain. Though I don't want to admit it, they outweigh the good ones. There's too much of my past sinking in these cobbled floors, too much I need to leave behind, too much that I want to forget so badly even if I can't...*

*The real reason I didn't want to be a Ravenclaw? The second one, besides me thinking I'm not smart enough (I'm not. I'm not.)? Lyssa was a Ravenclaw. And that's one memory I need to leave behind.*

*Don't get me wrong — Cecilie, Rina, Valentin, and all the others have made what would have been hell into something definitely more bearable. But it isn't enough. '*I *have to do something. I need to, for my own sake.*

*So now I'm here, signing what's left to be signed. I'm transferring to Durmstrang. I've figured it all out, been planning it for weeks. I'll visit during Hogsmeade weekends to see my friends, provided that they're not royally (HAHA. GET MY STUPID PUN?) pissed off at me when they find out I did this behind their backs. Apparition and Portkeys make things easier, so thank Merlin I got my license over the summer. Reynie is who worries me most...who will be there for him? Hopefully that Elodie friend of his can keep him occupied.*

*Boyce won't know. I'm making sure as hell that he doesn't know until next term. I doubt he'll even bother knowing anyway. He'd most likely be busy with his girlfriend.*

*If anyone asks me about this in the future, why I wanted to transfer, why I wanted to leave everything and everyone behind...*

*I'm going to tell them it was like being Kriss, and I was too weak to take life like Kriss did.*