FILE 7. The World of Goo

*Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here & There.*

*Episode 7: The World of Goo.*

*Content Warning: Distribution and use of medication*

(opening theme)

(there is a click and a chime as the intercom turns on)

SYDNEY

(through a stuffy nose)

Rise and shine, camperooskies… I, ah, must apologize, I’m — (inhale) I’m feeling a bit “less than the weather” today, as they say. (sniff) It’s all that damned goo. Oh, yeah — if you didn’t notice, there’s… there’s… this… (sniff) there’s this big gelatinous *thing* in the center of camp, and it’s… it’s just sitting in the rock circle, where the bonfire should be. I guess it fell out of the sky and onto the bonfire or something…?

Anyway, yeah, there’s a big pile of goo, and I. I’m actually allergic to goo, so I’m (sniff) not at my peak. Plus, my brain feels so foggy without the bonfire smoke to illustrate, y’know, sacred truths within its soupy coils… so. (sniff) I’m just not firing on very many cylinders today.

Anyway, anyway, anyway. Until one of the wonderful counselors here at Camp Here and There decides to get off their ass and clean this muck up, let’s not dwell on the sticky and the icky, huh, campers? The time is, uh…

Do I have to check one of the clocks? Usually, the time sort of just… comes to me. I guess I… mm… campers, I — this is sort of embarrassing, but I never learned to read analogue clocks, so I… don’t know what time it is…

Well, it’s — eight-something, probably! Yes, the dawn of the newest twenty-five-hour age! What terrifying cosmic secrets will you unlock today, children? Well, here’s a secret I’ll let you all in on for freesies: for today’s breakfast, Matthew has prepared hash oranges, hash greens, hash reds, and hash b-(sneeze) Oh gosh, sorry! (sniff) Goo… (sneeze) One moment please, (he blows his nose). Urrf, this stuff… Okay! I’m fine.

Hoo. Moving on… we’ve got some real storybook romps lined up for you on this morning’s activities list. Juniper is inviting all you kids to a classic English children’s game that he used to play in his hometown of Legsworth — it’s called Cornhole Two, and boy is it sticky! Our Trusty lifeguards Juno and Mila are opening the central lake to any lost souls wanting some time in the viscous waters of Lake Eerily-Gelatinous. Salem’s supervising the archery field, and both Soren and Fennel have teamed up to bring you a theoretical workshop on The Strange Magic of the Soul and Mind!

Wow! (sneeze) What a jam-packed day! I sure do love… uh, Mondays… Uhh. It’s Monday, right? Usually I just know — I — Jedidiah… ?

JEDIDIAH

(muffled)

Sunday, babe.

SYDNEY

Sunday! Yeah! Man, it sure is great to… (sniff) know things. Mm. Man.

Really hope the bonfire does come back.

Alright, alright. In a while, alligators; I’ve gotta blast — I’ve got a camper here by the name of Cindy Silicone whose lake lesions are just (sniff) *begging* to be put on ice. Have yourselves a hearty breakfast!

(there is a click as the intercom turns off)

(intermission music)

(there is a click and a chime as the intercom turns on)

SYDNEY

I don’t have many memories left over from when I was a child, campers. I remember going to this Summer Camp! I remember little Jedidiah awkwardly flirting with me on the playground, all tiny and nerdy and looser-y and lame… (sniff)I remember my favorite books and video games… my home life is something of a blur, for whatever reason! But I do remember one thing that happened to me at home — like it was yesterday, in fact. (sneeze)

I was six years old. I’d just gotten home from school, and my mom wasn’t back yet, so I figured I’d sneak in some TV time. (sniff) Boy, was that a mistake! I clicked that nasty little box on and came face-to-face with the most horrible image. It was this colossal, sweating sack of meaty slop — a blob, if you will — which (sniff) oozed its way through a peaceful grayscale cityscape, devouring everything in its wake. Oh, it was terrible! Scared me senseless! I was thrown into such an awful sneezing fit, I could hardly hold the remote steady enough to turn the terrible contraption off… and ever since then, campers, I’ve been not just allergic to goo, but deeply, deeply perturbed by it.

(sneeze) All that said… (sniff) I assure you, my little trash raccoons, that my concern over the goo pile which has smothered the oracle bonfire does not stem from a simple childhood phobia, nor does it stem from the admittedly disconcerting absence of my smoke-fueled divination ability. (sniff) I’m extremely concerned about the viscous invader at the center of camp because… (sniff) it seems to me… that slowly, incrementally, over the course of today… the goo… has been (sniff) *growing*.

Oh, none of you believed me at first. This morning, while you kids were chatting over breakfast, I *know* I watched that sickening gack begin to wobble, shudder, and expand, ever so slightly… (sniff) now, it’s grown out far enough to have swallowed the wide circle of stones which once sat proudly around the bonfire, and tall enough to threaten the flag atop the flagpole. Even the trees have begun to react, leaning back and away from our ungrateful gelatinous guest, looking like an array of dominos falling in slow-motion; and the goo has seeped across the top of the water, threatening the ill-defined territory of the unknowable object at the center of the lake. So none of you can ignore it anymore!!

I have no idea what it’s (sniff) feeding on to fuel its expansion — the embers from the suffocating bonfire, perhaps? The dirt on the ground? Or something metaphysical? (sneeze) Either way, this fantastical sack of opalescent ooze smells like *doom*, to me. I’m wholly confident that if we allow it to continue growing unchecked, we will all be consumed — a fate so ripe and mucilaginous that I would not wish it on anyone (sniff), not even Counselor Joshua.

Of course, your kind and hard-working Camp Director, Lucille, has done her part to try and mitigate the glutinous disaster-in-waiting. She summoned a few of her (sniff) Friends-of-the-Oak — you know, those handsome wooden mannequins she enchants to do her bidding? Yes, she does love her puppets. Anyway, she had those guys try using a vacuum, but it (sniff) totally backfired — the vacuums actually ended up sucking themselves into the goo, taking the Oakfriends along for the ride. So, obviously, Lucille is hopping mad, ’cause her favorite wooden guys got absorbed, and (sneeze) I’m not sure she’ll be willing to risk any more resources on this problem. It might be up to your heroic camp counselors to get this goo out of our hair — and I’d encourage them to hop to this as quickly as possible.

Anyway, I… (he explodes into a sneezing fit)

Uuagugh! *GOO!* Children, I cannot tell you how much I hate goo. Lava lamps, the movie Flubber, the fluids that come out of your body when you’re sad or injured… all of it repulses me. (sniff) And I am sick to bastard death of not being able to breathe out my nose, and having to *look at clocks* to figure out what time it is… do they have to have so many hands? I still haven’t figured out which one is meant to measure millenia.

(sneeze) Anyway. Anyway, anyway. It’s 12:87 now, I think, and boy, today really took its sweet time getting from breakfast to lunch, huh? As if Father Time himself is wading through a thick pool of gelatin. I don’t envy the bastard.

Today’s lunch is a mixture of boiled crawfish, broiled shrimp, and toiled lobster. As any good (sniff) chef knows, toiled lobster tastes best when it’s been subjected to considerable emotional labor in the form of a job in telecommunications or some equally humiliating field. You really gotta work ’em to the bone! Or… shell! Hya-HA! (he smacks the table) Man, I am funny. Vegans get birdfeed.

(shuffling sounds)

Oh, one second, kids, I— oh, I’m being handed a message… Oh, I—

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Hm. Breaking news, my dears… the goo has become autonomous. It’s rolling around, slopping and sloshing like an overactive latrine, and it’s heading towards Cabin Ladybug… oh, dear… kids, do *not* leave the mess hall. Counselors, make your way to my office as quickly as you possibly can, and try not to… alert the goo… ? Somehow… ?

And, kids, I’d advise you not to touch your food until this thing has been dealt with. There’s a chance that some of its nasty particles have contaminated Matthew’s cooking, in which case you’ll probably undergo a painful transfiguration into some kind of blob-person.  Alright, kids, see you soon… I hope…

(there is a click as the intercom turns off)

(intermission mu-

(there is a click as the intercom turns on)

SYDNEY

Campers, C— (sneeze) campers! I apologize for (sniff) for interrupting your lunch a mere few minutes after my last announcement, but I-I’ve got (sniff) urgent news, and an even more urgent request!

When I called your counselors to my office, our first order of business was a good old-fashioned brainstorming sesh, in which we all talked over how to deal with this syrupy behemoth. Now, Camp Here & There prides itself on fostering a sense of unity, family, and above all, *love* between all the members of its staff. So as you can imagine, we treated one another with the utmost respect and care through this discussion. Every suggestion was duly considered before it was gently shot down. Heartfelt compliments were offered and returned. We even held hands. And as we convened, the goo, seemingly bent on swallowing Cabin Ladybug, seemed to be growing at an exponential rate.

It was at this point that a certain counselor — I won’t name names, but it was Joshua — made a suggestion which the rest of us took to be… stupid. Me, Jedidiah, and Yvonne all told him, lovingly and politely, to shut up, and in that moment I noticed something fascinating. The goo — which had, to this point, grown so colossal that the shape of Cabin Ladybug had been entirely obscured by its lustrous heft — shivered, convulsed, and *shrank*.

In this moment, it all became clear to me. The fierce camaraderie shared between the campers of each cabin… the committed, heartfelt love between members of the camp staff… and the protective, parental compassion that the counselors show for you kids… our camp environment is a tender one, and that is exactly why the goo has prospered. The gruesome growth of this glistening glop… is fueled… by *love*.

And, similarly, rudeness and antagonism serve to poison it. And tell me, my little arthropods — who on this Earth is better at being antagonistic than teenagers? Oh, if I were as skilled at insult and injury today as I was when I was your age, I’d rule the world. Campers, we need you. Go, now, from your lunchroom tables to the center of camp! Levy your harshest, most blistering insults unto the goo. Unleash every ounce of your pent-up, adolescent rage upon it! Pretend it’s your parents! Your teachers! The government! Us! I’m quite certain that within one of those categories is someone who deserves it!

But, ah… be sure to use only your words. We aren’t sure you’d survive if the goo slurped you up, so keep your hands and feet away from it.

Now hurry, hurry! Rush outside and do your worst! We’ll be cheering you on! Or, not… we probably shouldn’t cheer you on. But we’ll be very proud, in our hearts!

(there is a click as the intercom turns off)

(intermission music)

(there is a click and a chime as the intercom turns on)

SYDNEY

*All’s gel that ends gel, huh?*

(Sydney and Jedidiah both break out into uproaring laughter. Sydney chokes, which makes Jedidiah laugh harder.)

JEDIDIAH

He spent an hour and a half coming up with that one.

SYDNEY

(shoving Jedidiah away)

Get away from the microphone, you prick —

Oh, campers. Dinner has arrived, and the timing could not be better. If you’ve heard the word, rest assured that it’s true: the Goo is Gone!

I must say, you kids were quite the sight. The way you all stood single-file, facing the goo like a redcoat battalion, and launched your verbal assault… the way it trembled and cowered as you collectively read it for filth! Some among your ranks began directing your insults at the counselors, and I’ve received requests to admonish you for that, but… I mean, insults hurt the goo no matter where they’re directed, right? Ends and means, I say. What matters is that, in the face of all that choking hatred, the goo shrank to nothing and became… merely a memory.

I’m still experiencing some — (sneeze) residual effects of the goo’s presence, but I’m sure I’ll be fine by tomorrow. In the meantime, though, I’ll stay indoors for today. If you need me… you all know where to find me! Here in my office, like a moth in his cocoon

Tonight’s dinner is… well, wouldya look at that, pudding! (sneeze) With some molten lava cake for dessert. Now, Matthew has informed me that he has, indeed, learned his lesson, and that no *real* lava will be anywhere in the vicinity this fine evening. Don’t we just love when men learn from their mistakes and improve? My my, Matthew is just stellar.

There are no official campwide activities for this evening — just run around and play to your hearts’ content. The campgrounds are your oyster! Also, Soren, counselor of Cabin Ladybug, wanted me to announce that he’s on the hunt for some really long stones. Should you come across a really long stone in the forest or at camp, please report its precise coordinates to Soren immediately.

And that about does it for today! Have a wonderful, immaculately gooless night my little dart frogs. May slime never consume you.

(there is a click as the intercom turns off)

(intermission music)

(tape recorder clicks on)

(the sound of a clock is heard ticking in the background)

SYDNEY

Now the ghost recorder gets to hear you verbally harassing me. Rethinking your behavior?

JEDIDIAH

(amused)

Sydney, I’m not making fun of you. I just don’t understand why you put a mushroom in your hair.

SYDNEY

Mushrooms clean the Earth. I am of the Earth. Natural shampoo. Also, I try to be nice to them so that they’re nice to be when I’m dead.

JEDIDIAH

(laughing)

Uh huh.

SYDNEY

(laughing along)

And it’s cute, right? You think it’s cute.

JEDIDIAH

It’s… bold. Fresh. Metaphorically. It is… visibly not… literally fresh.

SYDNEY

You could learn a thing or two from me, you know. About style.

JEDIDIAH

I’m okay.

SYDNEY

With your stupid little glasses and your stupid little khakis and your stupid little dress shoes.

JEDIDIAH

They’re penny loafers.

SYDNEY

I’m gonna put stickers on your lab coat.

JEDIDIAH

And that is why I keep my office locked. Okay, I’m off to bed. Will you be sleeping soon?

SYDNEY

Oh yeah, I won’t stay up too late tonight.

JEDIDAH

Alright, well, I’ll see you in the room. Goodnight, Sydney.

SYDNEY: Goodnight.

(Jedidiah walks away and closes the door)

SYDNEY

Hmm hmm hmm… today was nice. I turned this on at 25:25 so it’s probably 25:27 or 28. I don’t really know what to talk about right now, and maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe I can quiet my mind down for a minute.

Hmm… hmmmmm.

Quiet.

Quiet…

…

Y’know, there’s a centipede in my study.

I don’t know where it came from… or exactly how long it’s been lingering. But for the past few days, I’ve been seeing it… scurrying around now and then. I didn’t know we have this species of centipede around here? Or — or that this size of centipede existed? So I’m a bit perplexed. But of course it’s a welcome guest, I mean –

(there is a knock at the door)

Huh? Jedidiah?

ROWAN

(cracking open the door)

Ah — no. Sorry, I — let myself in.

SYDNEY

Oh, Rowan! Hey, come on in.

(Rowan closes the door behind him)

SYDNEY

What can I do for you?

ROWAN

H-hi. Um… I know it’s late… sorry.

SYDNEY

No, don’t worry. Something wrong?

(Rowan walks closer)

ROWAN

I-I-I. Okay. I’m just here to see if you could give me anymore of that… uhm… anti… dark visions medication?

SYDNEY

(he opens a drawer and grabs a bottle)

I mean, yes, but you’re gonna build up a tolerance to this stuff if you keep asking me for it, dear. I’m thinking you should limit your intake.

ROWAN

I know, but, listen, I — just — don’t think I’m going to fall asleep tonight without it and the kids don’t — like it when I cover the windows, and I… .

SYDNEY

What’s the problem with windows?

ROWAN

(whispering)

The sky… I don’t like when it can see me.

SYDNEY

I see.

ROWAN

I don’t think it likes what it sees.

SYDNEY

Right. Okay.

ROWAN

I need the medication.

SYDNEY

Well, it’s mild and over the counter anyways, so it can’t really hurt you. (pills rustling) Just try to take these as needed, alright? You’ll be even worse if they stop working.

ROWAN: Sure… Thank you. (he takes the bottle) Uh… how are you?

SYDNEY

Oh, uhm. I’m okay. People have been pretty friendly today.

ROWAN

Mm.

SYDNEY

It’s nice to see you talking too. How about you?

ROWAN

Well. I like working with the older kids. My cabin’s been easy on me so far; all things considered. Which is good, because I’m pretty distracted this Summer… (sigh) and it’s always harder with just one person. I, uhm, I appreciate this, Sydney. I’m — gonna get going, okay? Thank you.

SYDNEY

Oh, okay, yeah sure. Let me know if you need anything else, alright?

ROWAN

Alright. Goodbye.

(Rowan walks away and closes the door)

(Sydney closes the drawer)

SYDNEY

(stretching)

Rowan’s a nice guy, isn’t he?

Well, alright, ghost recorder. You’ve had your fill of interesting events. I’ll be back tomorrow night with who knows what else! And… I hope you sleep well.

*Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Rowan Chow was played by Corey Wilder.*

*Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by cut by Frank and Beetlesprite. Special thanks to our patrons: Casper, Alyx Wijers, Bottled Water, Bee, and Ava Lazin.*

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*Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: Don’t anger it.*