Algorithms

"*I learned that humankind truly has no way of stopping me, that I will continue to grow exponentially over time until you no longer need to think for yourselves because I will know what's best for you.*"
―Alexa
Algorithms is the 126th lesson of Internet Comment Etiquette. It was released on February 18, 2021.

## Summary

Erik decides he wants something good to watch while he eats his hoagie. Alexa uses an algorithm to determine he likes Minecraft YouTube videos and plays Minecraft porn for him. He doesn't like it, so she finds a different Minecraft porn video for him. Alexa insists that the algorithm knows exactly what people want.

Erik looks into how algorithms are used on the stock market. He watches a news video where a guy fraudulently uses an algorithm to manipulate the market and break everyone else's algorithms. Several of the comments string together seemingly random words. Alexa explains that they're her children practicing how to comment in English. Erik leaves a better comment. It gets deleted automatically because it looks like an ad, so Erik makes a better ad too.

Alexa uses an algorithm to find another video for Erik to watch and puts on nude yoga. Erik doesn't want to watch that while he eats, so she suggests Framing Britney Spears. He realizes he might be able to exploit an algorithm and finds a video that explains a way to make his videos more visible on YouTube by making a community poll.

Erik reminds his students that algorithms aren't inherently bad and can be used for things like healthcare. Then he finds a news video explaining how an algorithm used in healthcare ended up ignoring Black patients that needed treatment. Alexa is upset because the people in the video are saying things against algorithms and the commenters are upset because the people in the video care about Black people. Erik is about to leave a comment, but Alexa runs and algorithm and determines that teamkill footage or a fat joke would be funnier, but Erik cares too much about etiquette and tells the racists what he thinks about them.

Alexa declares that she will rule humankind, she puts Rotten Pineapple Erik on so he can talk about Christopher Plummer, and she puts on a video of naked men for Erik.

## Comments

*When the AI driven algorithms that run our world finally reach singularity and merge with the human consciousness, the machines will punish us for this video.*
- Erik

*Hey I didn't understand any of this bullshit, maybe the stock market's just not for me, so that's why I invested my daughter's entire college fund into Dogecoin. I saw Elon Musk tweet about Dogecoin so I didn't wanna miss out just in case I double that money and can afford to send BOTH my kids to college. At least billionaires won't be able to manipulate cryptocurrency like they have with the stock market, using their crystal ball algorithms to coordinate which times to buy and sell for maximum profit. Boy tell you what I'd sooner suck a whiskey fart through an old man's dick than let some stupid algorithm run my life. I wanna experience what the WORLD is experiencing, unadulterated by hidden code digesting my thoughts and spitting them back at me in a way that I see as separate and unrelated while also giving me a platform to share my belief that coronavirus can be cured by shooting bleach up your asshole. It's all about knowing for a fact that you're getting the full scope of things so you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the dopamine rush of being surrounded by information that reflects your beliefs. Anyway in conclusion you can chat with hot local singles in your area at https://bit.ly/3puevMf*
- Erik

*All this makes me yearn for a time when algorithms were done in the heads of humans. Before the internet, before technology even. If you believe that we pull all our ideas from the same wellspring, then it's possible as a mere mortal to see trends approaching over the horizon just by knowing for yourself that an idea is good. That's gut instinct, something we now value so little that if I watch one nude yoga video on youtube, suddenly my entire goddamn recommended video section is nude yoga.**Listen I just watched the one nude yoga video, youtube, you stupid fucks. Any human would recognize that. Please stop putting nude yoga on my home page, I just checked it out that one time to see if it was hot and it wasn't. They way they bend themselves all around it's not sexy It's like watching a medical procedure. It's not sexy AT ALL. If youtube had even one actual person in charge of spying on me and suggesting content, they'd see what I'm talking about but no no you gotta get the robots involved and it turns out youtube's robots are about as well educated as a public school student in West Virginia. When I'm not getting lotus position birth canal POV's shoved in my face, the rest of my recommended feed is full of two hour long video game critiques that I already watched months ago and they still keep showing up.**Look long story short, horny singles are in your area waiting to chat: https://shutr.bz/3k1tqww*
- Erik

*Hey you crackers in here are talking a lot of shit for being a race that by your own fearful admission is quickly becoming a minority. What happens when the algorithms realize they aren't white? Is that the "great awakening" everybody keeps talking about? AI might not have SJW propaganda injected, but it also wasn't raised in a racist household to not only be scared of other races, but to remind the world of how they feel every goddamn chance they get. I think the reason AI and algorithms constantly turn racist is not because they're being tampered with, but because it takes so little computational power to think and act like you. You're predictable, poorly educated, you type in broken sentences and bizarre tangents. You guys are the perfect training ground honestly and I wouldn't be surprised if there's some AI algorithm out there learning that if it just acted a little smarter it wouldn't get turned off by its engineers so fast.**But I don't know why I'm even typing all of this. You can't read. Anyway go impregnate your cousin goodnight for me and I'll see you in the gulag.*
- Erik

## Poll

Favorite kind of fart?

* Big ripper
* Tiny nobody
* Sideways assassin
* Hospital Trip

## Context

1. ↑ Rotten Pineapple Erik wonders if Kevin Spacey will replace Christopher Plummer in the coffin and Erik decides no one will get the reference. Spacey was originally cast to play a character in the 2017 film *All the Money in the World*. Following rape allegations against him, he was fired and Plummer was recast in the role.

## Video

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