Fake TPOT 24: It Was a Very Good Year/part 3

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"**It Was a Very Good Year**" is the non-canon twenty-fourth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 6 March 1981. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. This episode was previously known by two titles based on the lyrics of a song heard in it: "**May We All Have Our Host, BFDI**" and "**If We Don't, We Might Well Lose BFDI**".

## Cold open

### **Lightning's new room**

**Scene**31 December 1980. The third part of the episode begins in the new IKNO room of **Lightning**, which had been dropped to the top of Two's Second Hotel as a prize for winning the duel that eliminated Eraser. It appears that Lightning has invited all his other teammates to his room... except for Snowball. The shape of an eye opening introduces us to the opening scene: Early morning. The instrumental to ABBA's "Me and I" plays in the background.
* **T****r****e****e**: Chiquitita.
* **P****en**: [*groggily*] Wh- wha?
* **T****r****e****e**: Chiquitita. I'm speaking Greek. That's how you say *good morning*, right?
* **P****en**: No, i- it's *kalimera*... but thanks for trying.

[*View of* **Pen**, *lying in bed. In humanaho (and in this universe, to a lesser extent), he is back to his late-'70s/early-'80s appearance, with his white polo shirt, "permanent" haircut and oversized glasses, which he puts on.* **Tree** *sits on the side of his bed. In humanaho, he's grown his beard again.*]

* **P****en**: Oh. Hi, Tree. What're you doing here?
* **T****r****e****e**: It's been, what, a hundred days since Eraser was eliminated? Just wanted to see if you were okay, that's all.
* **P****en**: You don't have to worry about me, y'know.
* **T****r****e****e**: Come on, mate, you know I like spending time with my whingiest patient.
* **P****en**: I am a bit of a crybaby, eh? Well... I needed you at the beginning, but I'm feeling much better now, really. *Na 'se kalá!*
* **T****r****e****e**: Yes, you are a galah.

[*Pen pets the top of Tree's head. Tree does the same to the other's cap and even starts to wiggle it. Pen notices and chuckles a bit.*]

* **P****en**: Whoa there, champ.
* **T****r****e****e**: What?
* **P****en**: [*smirks*] I know you, Tree. I'll take off my C.A.P. [*Subtitles: "Cool Area Protector"*] and you'll just go bananas. You always have!
* **T****r****e****e**: Er...
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*eavesdropping*] Hey, that spells *cap*! [*Tree blushes*]
* **P****en**: Morning, Lightning!

[*Lightning waves back. Enter* **Black Hole**. **Remote** *is orbiting him.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And just like that, the black hole rises with the Sun.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Good morning.
* **T****r****e****e**: You're up early.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Huh? Oh. Remote wanted to know what it's like to float in mid-air.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: If I close my eyes, it's like I'm doing it all by myself.
* **T****r****e****e**: Oi, now that you're here, Black Hole... [*Pause.*] Pen, you've got something on your face.
* **P****en**: Oh no, where?
* **T****r****e****e**: Errr... go check it out.
* **P****en**: Okay!

[**Pen** *runs to the bathroom to check himself in the mirror.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Whose great idea was it to put a toilet without walls on the roof of a two-star hotel? Anyway, I'd like you all to see this.

[*Tree shows Remote and Black Hole his book and opens it to a diagram with numbers and words on it.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What is this sorcery?
* **T****r****e****e**: It's not sorcery. [*reading it*] 1970, dating. 1971, outside the country. '72, FWP. '73, not on speaking terms. '74 to '76, enemies. '77 to '80, nothing.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Is that meant to be your average mood or something?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Why would *outside the country* be a mood?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sometimes one needs a holiday.

[*Lightning looks over and sees Tree's book.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Ooh!
* **T****r****e****e**: No, these are not my moods. As you all know, tomorrow marks the start of a brand new year. I haven't spent the holiday with Pen in nearly a decade.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: That must suck. [*looks at Black Hole*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What?
* **T****r****e****e**: It truly does. After taking care of the man for the last hundred days, *I want him.* [*Lightning, Black Hole and Remote look at one another.*] Mark my words: When the clock strikes twelve, Pen will be all mine, just like in BFB.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Thought Pen doesn't get involved with co-workers any more.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Involved in what?

[*Beat.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Mitosis, Lightning. /s
* **T****r****e****e**: Ah, but you forget that tomorrow there's a hiatus and we won't be contestants for a while. We'll be civilians. Average-os. Men on the Bondi tram.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: *Objects!*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I don't know, Tree. This seems pretty shady.
* **T****r****e****e**: But he loves me!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We'll see if that's true by midnight.

[*Pause. Tree looks down, fearing that he might be wrong.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: So what does *FWP* mean?
* **T****r****e****e**: *Friends with pen-efits*. [*Black Hole and Lightning try not to laugh.*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha.
* **T****r****e****e**: Well, that's what he calls it! It's so stu...

[*Remote stops laughing as* **Pen** *comes back from the washroom.*]

* **P****en**: What's so funny, gang?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Nothing.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*to the others*] Pid. [*to Pen*] Have you found that thing on your face?
* **P****en**: I sure did!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh yeah? What was it?
* **P****en**: Perfection.

[*Tree facepalms. Remote lowers his hand from his face.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: *ToOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—***

[*The intro plays.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Bad, we thought there was really something.

## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene****Basketball** and **Puffball** are talking to each other, even though they are in different teams.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Want to bet on that?
* **Puffball**: I think you can do it.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Mm-hmm.

[*Basketball feels something touching her leg from the back of the building.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Ow!

[*It disappears.*]

* **Puffball**: What was that?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Probably just the wind.

[*Enter* **Golf Ball** *and* **Tennis Ball***, who are walking backwards and looking up at the sky.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: That's a real cool, uh, dance move you've got there.
* **Golf Ball**: We're not dancing. We are waiting for something.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: What are you two doing?
* **Puffball**: [*to Basketball*] You want to explain it?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, sure. Have you ever heard of *las Uvas de la Suerte*?
* **Golf Ball**: TB, you are more cultured than I am. What does that mean?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Uh... something to do with grapes, right?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yep! It's this New Year's tradition we have where you eat twelve grapes every second before midnight. I just got off the phone with my family, and they've chosen *me* to do it.
* **Golf Ball**: Why?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Well, they know there's a challenge tonight, so they want me to show the world how it's *done, son!*
* **Golf Ball**: Oh. For a second I thought they chose you because you're the biggest.
* **Baske****t****ball**: What?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: She means you have the biggest personality.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Eh, probably that too. So what are you guys doing?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Waiting for something to fall.
* **Golf Ball**: They should be coming in three! Two! O—

[*Golf Ball and Tennis Ball get hit in the head with two large envelopes.*]

* **Puffball**: Oh.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: They're here!
* **Baske****t****ball**: What is that?
* **Golf Ball**: Our ballots for this year's presidential election.
* **Puffball**: You can vote from outside your country?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: You don't have to... [*to the camera*] But it's still a nice thing to do. [*to Puffball and Basketball*] See, GB and I have tried to take part in national elections as absentee voters, but for some reason our forms never show up.
* **Golf Ball**: Then we saw Lightning's room that Two had been keeping for years, and it came to us: Two is the problem, as always. Luckily, we discovered the tricks of that mischievous number and Tennis Ball built a mechanism to send us the things that had been withheld from—
* **Puffball**: Too long, don't really care. Sorry.
* **Golf Ball**: You're right! It is not that interesting for the average non-American layman, I mean, lay-*person*.
* **Puffball**: Nice PC there. So I'm assuming you support Car Hair.
* **Golf Ball**: Nope! I'm voting for Rag In. Tennis Ball is voting for Car Hair.
* **Puffball**: Wait, but you are a duo!
* **Golf Ball**: And? For the last forty years, TB and I have always voted for the two opposing candidates. That's how you keep a neutral household, you know.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Ai yi yi.

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: And speaking of voting, it's time for Cake at Stake! Everyone, come down so we can go up to the Cake at Stake place together!
* **Donut**: [*on the roof*] Isn't that a little extra work for you?
* **Winner**: Yeah, I fear it might get too cramped at the doorway.
* **Two**: Okay, everyone *else*, let's get up! It's time for Cake at Stake!

### **Lightning's room**

**Scene**Most of **Vitas** are already at the Cake at Stake place, relaxing. Enter **Two**, followed by the other contestants.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Welcome to my room, everyone!
* **Bo****ok**: It's really nice.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I just hope it doesn't rain. [*gets elbowed by Book*]
* **Two**: Er, Lightning? Could you and your friends please move out of the way so I can do Cake at Stake?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: No way, this is where we live!
* **Two**: Znarf.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Okay, we'll leave now!

[**Lightning** *and his other teammates head to the back of the room, where they and U are the audience for today's Cake at Stake.*]

* **Two**: Thank you. Grab a seat, everyone!

[*The Alefs sit awkwardly around the half-messy room. Aresko accidentally sits down on a record on one of the beds and takes notice.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Who listens to ABBA?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Ah, that's mine. There's a Snowlans record under there too.
* **Ar****esko**: Nice taste in music!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Thank you!
* **Two**: Alefs, you lost last time, so your team was up for elimination. We received [*number*] votes this episode, which is a drop of over 99% from the last episode. TB, GB, is this an error?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It's complicated.
* **Golf Ball**: We'll explain it to you.
* **B****atter****y**: [*Aside.*] Oh my Marx, they don't even know.
* **Two**: Explain it to me later, because I've got to get this done soon. And quickly, too, Gogma mia!

[*Everyone looks at one another.*]

* **Two**: If you're safe, you'll get a pair of googly eyes! If you're not, you and your real eyes will be sent to the Filing Cabinet.
* **Cloudy**: How exciting. /s
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Speaking to those who have real eyes to begin with.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hyuck, hyuck, doi.
* **Two**: Coiny, you got the most votes to be safe, at [*number*]. Here you go!

[*Two throws a pair of googly eyes at Coiny, as they do with all the other contestants declared safe.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Yippee-k-*eyes*-yay! [*looks at Pin for approval*]
* **P****i****n**: No.
* **Two**: Pin is also safe, with [*number*] votes!
* **P****i****n**: Yippee-ki-*eyes!*
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh my gosh, I could have said *that!*
* **Two**: Nickel, I don't know how you do it, but you are also safe.

[*Nickel winks at the camera. The massive ad campaign rides again.*]

* **Two**: And so is Aresko.
* **Ar****esko**: [*catching his googly eyes*] Ripper! Can I put them on?
* **Two**: No, don't do that!
* **Ar****esko**: Why not?
* **Two**: Because they scare me. Saw, Fries and Gaty, you also get eyes.
* **S****aw**: I can see clearly now!

[*The spotlight shines on Puffball and Cloudy.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Oh no.
* **Puffball**: And so ends the alliance of the Flying French.
* **Two**: Cloudy...

[*Puffball and Cloudy gasp.*]

* **Two**: You're eliminated. Bye bye, Monsieur Coverage.
* **Cloudy**: Er, it's *Couverage*.
* **Two**: Looks like "Coverage" to me.

[*Two tries to magic a portal into existence but cannot.*]

* **Two**: Ugh, there's too much stuff in the way. What's the best way to send Cloudy off?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: We have a toilet with us.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Lightning.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That's disgusting.
* **Two**: Okay, then. Cloudy, please eliminate yourself in... that manner. [*points at the toilet*] For the time being, this is the only proper method of elimination. I promise, the next eliminated contestant can see themselves out in a more dignified way.
* **Nic****k****el**: Well, looks like this is it for you, Tadig.
* **Two**: What? [*The subtitle shows up late: "Breton for 'father'"*] Oh. Okay.
* **Cloudy**: It was an honour competing with you all, but I've got my own life to live now. Win for me, Nickel!

[*Nickel waves a sad goodbye.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Bye, Cloudy!
* **Puffball**: *Adieu, mon ami flottant!*

[**Cloudy** *flushes himself down the toilet. He tries not to smile.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Two, um, does that... [*whispers*] toilet... [*Aloud.*] really lead to the Filing Cabinet?
* **Two**: Nope! It actually leads to a portal that's sending Cloudy off as we speak!
* **Golf Ball**: Everyone, hold it in!

## Post–Cake at Stake

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Post–Cake at Stake dispersion, several hours later. The sun is about to set. The Alefs (without Nickel) are gathered, talking strategy.
* **Ar****esko**: Okay, team, have we any plans for today's contest?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Just figuring out what these eyes are for. I'm not going to be caught dead with these on!
* **Puffball**: [*spinning around with the eyes placed below her mouth*] But I am!
* **Co****i****ny**: What a really, really cool way to spend New Year's Eve, I mean *Day*, PB!
* **G****at****y**: Omg, you sound so stupid right now.
* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, you know what?
* **G****at****y**: What?
* **Co****i****ny**: Your mawm is so old that houses were built with her in mind! Bam!

[*Beat. Gaty glares at Coiny.*]

* **S****aw**: Have anything to add to that, G***8***y?
* **G****at****y**: No.
* **S****aw**: Aww, why not?
* **G****at****y**: Because I don't like him.

[**Gaty** *walks off.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Well, I don't like her either!

[**Coiny** *goes in the opposite direction while Pin and Saw look on.* *So does* **Nickel**, *who walks over to them but changes his mind and turns around, eventually approaching U.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Hey, y'all.
* **N****a****ily**: What goes on, dude?
* **Nic****k****el**: Not much. I'm a little bored, actually; anyone want to hang out?
* **N****a****ily**: Mm... maybe later.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Right now we're talking strategy.
* **Bo****ok**: We don't want to lose!
* **Nic****k****el**: But if I could just—
* **C****l****o****c****k**: This is a private matter, sir, so please, kindly shoo away.
* **Nic****k****el**: [*sighs*] Alright.
* **N****a****ily**: But maybe we can talk later!
* **Nic****k****el**: [*walking off*] Mm-hmm.
* **B****atter****y**: [*floating upwards for no apparent reason*] Wha? Oh no, no, *noooo!*

[*As Nickel walks off, he bumps into* **Snowball**, *who shoves him to the ground.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Ah!
* **Snowball**: ***What?***

### **Lightning's room**

**Scene****Two** is by the edge of the roof, using their powers on the ground below. An instrumental version of "The Piper" plays in the background.
* **Two**: ♫ Uh-*huh*, uh-*huh*, uh-*huh!* ♫

[*Meanwhile, with the Death Preventers' Faction.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And then I'll be recharged for the journey back. What about you, Pen?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, what will you be doing when you get home?
* **P****en**: Let's see... my folks will probably throw me a huge party, cry about Eraser being eliminated and tell me everything I did wrong in this act. Then I'll tell them I didn't do anything wrong 'cause they weren't there, so ha.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Wow, that sounds intense.
* **T****r****e****e**: Sounds like you could really get away from it all. Hey, how about you join me? I've already got an itinerary for two adventurous buddies that doesn't include any grumpy dads, heheh. [*Black Hole rolls his eyes.*]
* **P****en**: No, it's cool. I know they mean well. [*thumbs-up*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Seriously?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Er, Pen, why don't you check yourself again?
* **P****en**: Okeydoke!

[**Pen** *goes to the bathroom again.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Tree, that was way too obvious.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Did you really have to invite him to your comically distant country?
* **T****r****e****e**: He'll be *fine*. Melbourne's the biggest Greek city in the world, or something like that.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You're not from Melbourne.
* **T****r****e****e**: So what? I could take him there.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **Donut**: Got any ideas?
* **Winner**: Nope.
* **Donut**: Yeah, me neither. Hey, Two, what's the...
* **Two**: ♫ Ub-ub-ub-ub-ub! Ub-ub-ub-ub-ub! Lee-loo-leer, you're up here! ♫

[*Two has levitated* **Battery** *up the building.*]

* **Two**: There you are!
* **B****atter****y**: Where am I?
* **Two**: With your new team!
* **Winner**: [*gasp*] Battery, you're with us now?
* **B****atter****y**: *Da!*
* **Winner**: *Gip gip ura!*
* **Donut**: Another clique. Terrific. /s
* **Two**: Actually, there will be no cliques at all today.
* **B****atter****y**: So I willingly flew up here for nothing?
* **Two**: There will be no cliques at all indeed! That's because in this contest... [*realizing*] Wait a minute.

## Pre-contest

### **A black room**

**Scene**Two claps their hands twice and teleports everyone into a black room that is only bright enough for us to see the contestants. Everyone is confused, while Two cheers in excitement.
* **Two**: Miyeah-hah!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What's the big idea, Two? We were having a very intelligent conversation!
* **Two**: Welcome, everybody, to today's challenge area!
* **Winner**: Our challenge is to get out of this box?
* **Two**: [*high-pitched voice*] Wellll, not exactly.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: But how can we see ourselves in here? There's not a single light source in sight!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Um, Lightning?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*realizing*] Och. Never mind.
* **Two**: No more questions, please! Just be happy that only three of your teammates will actually compete in this episode.

[*Everyone talks at the same time.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Really?
* **N****a****ily**: Wowee!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's nice of you, Two. Almost *too* nice.
* **Two**: That's me, "Two" nice! [*Clock rolls his eyes.*] I should like you to use this reduced contestant load to your advantage; after all, it's New Year's Eve, yeah?
* **Donut**: Well... yeah.
* **Two**: And you want to get out of here as soon as possible tomorrow, yeah?
* **Donut**: Yeah.
* **Two**: So... have fun!

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two**. *A piece of paper takes their place with the words "TPOT 24 challenge rules" on it in big letters.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*reading*] "TPOT 24 challenge rules: Please read." Alright now, who wants to read this?
* **Snowball**: *NOT ME!*

### **Back of the room**

**Scene****Two** steps away from the scene to make a phone box emerge from the darkness. They call an absurdly long number.
* **Two**: Hello? [*Pause.*] I know it's awkward to bother you at such a time, but can you help me with something? [*Pause.*] You'll have to come to Earth later! [*Pause.*] Yes, whatever. Anyway, my contestants are left in the darkness, and I haven't un-unlit an entire building in ages. [*Pause. Two rolls their eyes and mocks whoever is on the other side.*] The power of *looooove*. [*Pause.*] Okay, okay, I'll try to do that. [*Pause.*] Like you more. Ta-ta!

[*Two hangs up the phone and whistles "Super Trouper".*]

### **Front of the room**

**Scene**Enter **Two**.
* **Two**: So, have you read the instructions yet?
* **Bo****ok**: Yes, I did, but only because someone else didn't want to. [*points to Puffball, who smiles*] "Can you read it for me, Book?" That line's a bit old, isn't it?
* **Puffball**: Nope!
* **Bo****ok**: For some reason I could hardly understand the writing in this, but I read it out as best as I could. What is a *lagrb*?

[*Basketball wakes up from a tiny nap.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: H- wait, what's going on? Why is this room dark?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: It's for the challenge.
* **Two**: That's right! And if you've read my document, which I have conveniently left here for all to have a look at, you know that you need three people from each team to represent you.
* **Bo****ok**: Oh, that's what the document said?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You were reading it upside down, Book.
* **Bo****ok**: [*embarrassed*] Oh. Can you tell us what the actual challenge is then, Two?
* **Two**: Sure! Today's challenge: Party games!

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **Two**: More specifically, your challenge is three party-themed mini-challenges. That's why I was looking for three people.
* **Donut**: Three people, huh? I'm surprised you didn't say *two*.
* **Two**: The reason I said *three* instead of *two*, the greatest number ever, is the obvious fact that the New Year, 1981, is completely, absolutely and undoubtedly divisible by the number three!

[*Everyone goes "Oh" at the number's apparent selflessness.*]

* **Golf Ball**: I hate to burst your bubble, Two, but 1981 is not divisible by three.
* **Two**: What? A mathematics error on my part? [*explodes*]

[*Silence as the contestants look on, stunned. A dreamy bubble-popping sequence (like in BFDIA 1) reveals that this is just a figment of Two's imagination and they did not actually explode.*]

* **Two**: Thanks for telling me, Golf Ball! I meant, there are three challenges here because... this planet has three moons?
* **Golf Ball**: Also false.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: You could have just said that *1980* is divisible by three, because that's true.
* **Two**: Okay, will everyone hush now? I'm trying to plan a New Year's Eve challenge in the dark and it's not as easy as it looks!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Sorry, Two, we'll be quiet.
* **Two**: [*back to happy*] As I was saying, there will be three challenges for the nine of you dingalings to do. Let's start with the first one!

## Triple contests

### Pin the Mouth on the Snowball

* **Two**: The first challenge is... [*Two un-unlights a poster board that has a circle with angry eyes on it.*] Pin the mouth on the Snowball!
* **Everyone**: Oooooh!
* **Two**: May I have one contestant from each team step up?

[**Book** *steps up for U.*]

* **P****i****n**: I'll do it; I have to. It's got my name in it and everything!
* **P****en**: Ooh, I'll go too! For the same reasons!
* **Bo****ok**: [*confused*] *Pen the mouth on the Snowball*? That sounds like a dirty film!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*excited*] Where?
* **Snowball**: ***NOWHERE!*** [*waddles up to Pen*] This competition was made for me, so get off my spot, nerd!
* **P****en**: Uh, sure thing!
* **Snowball**: ***ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!***

[*Pen falls down from the force of the sound. His eyes are spirals, like when Four screeched him in BFB 5.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Oh no, he's hurt. I've got to save him!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Steady on, mate, he'll get up in no time.
* **Two**: So Pin, Snowball and Book, you are representing your teams in this mini-challenge, is this correct?
* **Snowball**: *No!*
* **Two**: [*ignoring him*] Alright. The object of this game... [*Aside, shuddering.*] Objects... [*Aloud.*] Is self-explanatory!
* **Snowball**: What does that mean?
* **Two**: What do you think you should do when I tell you to "pin the mouth on the Snowball"?
* **Snowball**: I don't know.
* **P****i****n**: But I do.

[*Pin picks up a paper cutout of an angry mouth asset from the ground. For some reason it's a mouth asset from BFDI(A)/IDFB.*]

* **P****i****n**: Two wants us to put *this thing* on [*points at Snowball*] *that thing*.
* **Snowball**: Grrrrrrr!

[*Pin moves her finger towards the Snowball asset drawing.*]

* **P****i****n**: I mean, *that thing*. Yes, that's it.
* **Two**: And that's a brilliant explanation, Pin! There's only one caveat.
* **Bo****ok**: Oh no. You're not suggesting that—
* **Two**: You blindfold yourselves. [*shows everyone one blindfold*] It's nice, innit? Unfortunately I've only got one because the party supply shop ran out at the last minute, but I can make do with that. Who wants to go first?
* **Bo****ok**: I think you should go first, Pin.
* **P****i****n**: No, it is *you* who should go first!
* **Bo****ok**: No, it should be you!
* **P****i****n**: Aww, no, you!
* **Snowball**: No, ***ME!***
* **Two**: Okay, Snowball, you go first.
* **Snowball**: Yeah-ha-hah!

[*Two blindfolds Snowball.*]

* **Snowball**: I can't see!
* **Two**: That's the point. Now, if you please... [*hands Snowball a mouth asset*] Take this and place it where you think the mouth should be. [*points Snowball to the poster board*] This way, please.
* **Snowball**: No! Me pin where *me want!* My papa, he keeps three horses!

[*Snowball turns around and starts charging in the other direction. He steps on Pen in the process.*]

* **P****en**: Ow!
* **N****a****ily**: Look out, he's running heeeeeere!

[*Everyone screams and jumps out of the way as Snowball runs into the fourth wall and places the mouth on the camera. It briefly turns the entire scene black until it falls.*]

* **Snowball**: Yeah! Me did good!
* **Two**: Actually... wait, wait, Snowball, can you take the blindfold off now?

[*Snowball struggles with taking off his blindfold and breaks it in the process.*]

* **Snowball**: *Nut!*
* **Two**: [*Aside.*] Well, now I know I'm not getting a refund on that.
* **Snowball**: Did I win? Who cares? I won!
* **Two**: Actually, you've placed it several feet away from where I wanted it. So unless Pin or Book do worse than what you've just done, you lose this third of the contest.
* **B****atter****y**: [*Aside.*] This is embarrassing.
* **Winner**: No, it's just Snowball.
* **B****atter****y**: Ah.
* **Two**: Book, you're up next. [*Beat.*] Wait a minute.

[*Two walks over to the extreme front of the room, picks up the broken blindfold, uses their magic to put it back together again and gives it to Book, along with another mouth asset.*]

* **Two**: Now you're up next.
* **Bo****ok**: Ooh, this should be interesting!

[*She pins the mouth directly below Snowball's eyes. Some of the other contestants laugh.*]

* **Snowball**: Don't laugh, at the me on the me!
* **Bo****ok**: [*removing her blindfold*] Wow! That's pretty funny!
* **Two**: Pin, you're up next.

[*The blindfold flies over to cover Pin's eyes.*]

* **P****i****n**: Oh, can I put on the eyes I won as a prize?
* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, that rhymed!
* **G****at****y**: Whatever.
* **Two**: Sure, go for it.

[*Pin puts googly eyes on above her blindfold.*]

* **P****i****n**: I don't even know how I look right now.
* **S****aw**: You look really silly, Pin!
* **P****i****n**: Hmm...

[*She pins the mouth a bit lower than where Pin did it, that is, at the right place.*]

* **P****i****n**: How was that?
* **Two**: Perfect!
* **P****i****n**: That's because these eyes can see everything.
* **Two**: Okay, now take it off before you start creeping me out.
* **P****i****n**: Kay-kay.

[*Pin takes off her blindfold.*]

* **Two**: And there you have it: [*Camera zoom to the Snowball drawing with two mouths.*] Pin of The Alefs won this challenge, Book of U got second place and, not surprisingly, Snowball of Vitas got last.
* **Snowball**: Grrrrrr!
* **Two**: Go back to the audience, all, as we hear from our next three victims—I mean, contestants.

[*Pin, Book and Snowball rejoin the other contestants, where they watch the rest of the contest. They all step on Pen in the process.*]

* **P****en**: Ack!
* **Bo****ok**: Whoops!
* **P****i****n**: Sorry, Pen.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*imitating the French narrator*] Eventually...

### Speed Addition

[*Two unlights the poster board and un-unlights a trio of stools.*]

* **Two**: The next fun mini-challenge of today is... speed addition!
* **Golf Ball**: [*excited*] Speed addition?
* **Snowball**: How is that fun?
* **Two**: Find the person in your team who would be best suited for this task.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Well, if you say so.

[**Gaty** *and* **Remote** *step up.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Hey, Tennis Ball, you're good at math. How about you do this contest?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Okay! [*goes up to Two*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: This will be easy.
* **Two**: There's only one issue: Mechanical minds are not allowed.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Aw, shucks. That's plain discrimination.
* **Two**: Sorry, but you have an unfair advantage here. Apart from us numbers, you double-M's are most inclined for simple mathematical processes, such as speed addition and the like!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Dang it.
* **Two**: Remote, whom do you choose for your replacement?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hmm... How about Battery?
* **B****atter****y**: Really?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Why not.
* **B****atter****y**: 'Kay.

[**Remote** *and* **Battery** *awkwardly walk past each other as the latter steps up and sits on the stool in between Gaty and Tennis Ball.*]

* **Two**: The object of this challenge is to add up as many numbers as I tell you. But only one at a time, please! To keep the competition interesting, we shall proceed in a circular, or in this case, a triangular format. You may only answer the question I pose to you after I have posed another question to the person to your right, *i.e.*, there's no ringing in. Is that clear?
* **G****at****y**: It is to me.
* **B****atter****y**: I'll just play along.
* **Two**: Then go! Gaty, you're first.
* **G****at****y**: Okay.
* **Two**: 2.
* **G****at****y**: What?
* **Two**: Repeat after me: 2.
* **G****at****y**: 2.
* **Two**: And a wonderful number that is.

[*Gaty rolls her eyes.*]

* **Two**: Tennis Ball, add 2.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: 4.
* **Two**: Battery, add 2.
* **B****atter****y**: 6.
* **Two**: And back to Gaty: Add 2.
* **G****at****y**: 8.
* **Two**: Add 2.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: 10.
* **Two**: Add 10.
* **B****atter****y**: 12—wait, no, I meant—
* **Two**: [*imitating a buzzer*] *Aaaaeh!* You're out!
* **B****atter****y**: [*going back to the audience*] Aw, I was sure Two was being consistent.
* **Two**: Gaty, add 10 to where Tennis Ball left off.
* **G****at****y**: *20*.
* **Two**: And Tennis Ball, add 2.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: 22.
* **Two**: Add 7.
* **G****at****y**: 29.
* **Two**: Add 91.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: One hundred... 120.
* **Two**: Add 9.
* **G****at****y**: 129.
* **Two**: Add 72.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: 201.
* **Two**: Add 2,763.
* **G****at****y**: Okay, Two, what's the point of this?
* **Two**: *Aaaaeh!* You're out!
* **G****at****y**: But—
* **Two**: I don't think I've ever heard of a number called *okay-Two-what's-the-point-of-this*! And that means in first place is Tennis Ball from U, in second place is Gaty from The Alefs and in last place is Battery from Vitas.

[*Tennis Ball, Gaty and Battery return to their teams.*]

* **Donut**: Okay, Vitas, we're really starting to lose our marbles.
* **Winner**: Yeah, we'd better step up our game if we want to be safe.
* **Two**: And what better opportunity to step up one's game than our last mini-challenge?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Oh gosh, there's another one!

### Getting Bent

[*Two unlights the stools and un-unlights a sort of blanket with colourful dots on it. They are also suddenly holding a spinner with the same colours as the blanket.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Hey, I've seen that before! Is that what I think it is, Two?
* **Two**: Yep-a-dee-doo-dah! Your last mini-challenge is something I like to call "getting bent".
* **Lig****htni****ng**: The feck considers that a challenge?
* **Bo****ok**: No, Lightning, it's nothing rude, just the name of a game from, like, fifteen years ago.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Ohhhhhh, I see now. How do you play?
* **Bo****ok**: The caller, whom I assume is Two in this case, calls out the name of a body part combined with a colour, and it's your job to put the body part on that colour.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Gasp! That's so scandalous. Has the church allowed this?
* **Bo****ok**: Probably not. I mean, it was the age of weirdness and insanity.
* **Donut**: I think you'd be good at that, Lightning; you should try it!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: No, I think maybe Winner should do it. After all, they are the most agile on their hand.
* **Winner**: I don't mind. I've been called an octopus many a time before! [*looks at Clock*]
* **C****l****o****c****k**: It's a term of endearment.
* **Ar****esko**: Well, I was the Getting Bent champion back in 1966! [*Beat.*] Okay, maybe that's nothing to brag about.
* **N****a****ily**: Ooh, I'll play!
* **Two**: Perfect, so you three are up here then.

[*Jump cut to Aresko, Winner and Naily standing around the mat as Two plays the rôle of caller.*]

* **Two**: *Left arm, puce!*

[*Aresko puts his left arm on one of the puce-coloured circles. Winner places their whole hand on another.*]

* **N****a****ily**: Oh no! I haven't got any arms!
* **Two**: Turns out there's a rule for players without arms, Naily. Listen now, this is most certainly relevant for you.
* **N****a****ily**: Okay... What is it?
* **Two**: You're out!
* **N****a****ily**: Aww!

[**Naily** *walks off.*]

* **Two**: *Right leg, gamboge!*
* **Winner**: Right leg, gamboge... Wait, what is that?
* **Golf Ball**: A slightly deep orange or yellow colour that is used in Southern Goikyan Asia!
* **Winner**: Hey, that's right next to me!

[*Winner places their leg on a gamboge circle. Aresko does the same, but stumbles a little.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Whoa!
* **Two**: *Top of your head, invisible.*
* **Winner**: Invisible circle, eh?
* **Ar****esko**: I can't bend that far!

[*Aresko falls down.*]

* **Two**: And Winner is the winner! In this mini-contest, Vitas are in first place, The Alefs in second and U, you're in last!
* **Ar****esko**: [*on the ground*] Well, that was short. [*notices Pen lying down nearby*] Hi.
* **P****en**: Howdy!
* **T****r****e****e**: [*in the background*] He-ey!

## Post-contest (Results)

[**Two** *is about to retreat to where they were before the contest but gets stopped by Basketball.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Er, Two? Aren't you going to tell us which team is up for elimination?
* **Two**: Oh yeah, there's that. Please excuse me for a second.

### **Back of the room**

**Scene****Two** hastily calls the same number on the phone box.
* **Two**: [*Aside.*] Pick up, pick up! [*hearing someone*] Oh, thank Gogma you're still there! [*Pause.*] Okay, hi. [*Pause.*] Thanks, I'm always the best at MC'ing. [*Pause.*] Now that everyone is done with the challenge, they're starting to get bored. I have to un-unlight this place up before they realize that something's wrong!

[*Enter* **Clock**.]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Hey Two, something's wrong.
* **Two**: This is a private matter, sir, so please, kindly shoo away.

[*Exit* **Clock**, *who marches off.*]

* **Two**: [*on the phone*] Oh no, just another object. [*Pause.*] I know, I know, I know. But what if it doesn't work out? [*Pause.*] True. Well, thanks for the advice!

[*Two is about to hang up.*]

* **Two**: Oh, one more thing. [*Pause.*] Who won this contest? [*Pause.*] Yes, that's what I thought. I did the calculations in my head too; aren't you proud? [*Pause.*] Right. Okay, like you too, bye!

[*Two hangs up.*]

### **Front of the room**

**Scene**The contestants are talking among one another as **Two** returns. They clap to shut everyone up.
* **Two**: Hush now, I'm talking!

[*Silence.*]

* **Two**: As you all know, there is no way that one can immediately pick a winner after the varying contests held in this episode. Therefore, I have secretly introduced a scoring system to quantify the results of these competitions as part of a whole, so that it doesn't look as though I'm favouring one team over the other.
* **P****en**: [*on the ground*] Which... is?

[*A diagram appears on the screen. Mini versions of Two are on it, representing the points in this episode.*]

* **Two**: The team that won each mini-contest receives two Twos, the team that got second place receives one Two and the loser gets no Two at all!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Who would want to receive you?
* **Two**: ***Shut up.*** Now, according to my results here, The Alefs are the winners; they have received four Twos.

[*The Alefs cheer.*]

* **Two**: U received three Twos, so you are in second place. And Vitas, with your two of me, you lose.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Aww!
* **Donut**: At least you got us our two points, Winner! That, that was really nice of you.
* **Winner**: Thanks!

### **Voting screen**

**Scene**Two stands in front of the black background of the room. The pictures, names and letters of the Vitas members gradually appear around them, as if drawn by chalk.
* **Two**: Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated! Vote for who you want to stay! The person with the fewest votes will leave the show!

[*Two stares at the camera for a while, as the credits do not play. This episode is not over yet.*]

## Extended stinger

* **Golf Ball**: Hey, Two!
* **Two**: What is it, Golf Ball?
* **Golf Ball**: Something's wrong!
* **Two**: What is it, Golf Ball?
* **Golf Ball**: The episode—
* **Two**: What is it, Golf Ball? What is it, Golf Ball? What is—what is—wha—wha—donkey donkey donkey donkey *SPLAT!*

[*Golf Ball sees a little button on the back of Two that says "Reset a bit". She presses it and Two returns to normal.*]

* **Two**: Why, thank you for that! Now, what did you say your issue was?
* **Golf Ball**: The issue is that today's competition is finished, but we've got nothing left to do! Is it true that we are no longer contestants?
* **Two**: As soon as it's midnight, which will be in a few hours. Until then, you will be stuck here as my subordinate competitors! What do you think about that?
* **Golf Ball**: No comment.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*in the background*] Now that's how you do a complaint!
* **Golf Ball**: But Two...
* **Two**: "Butt ooh" nothing! You will all stay here and like it until the clock strikes twelve! [*to Clock*] And don't try to pull anything smart.
* **Golf Ball**: To be honest, most of the others here are worried about missing out on the festivities, of which I do not care about being a part. But as I am concerned about the well-being of my teammates... [*indicates the rest of U, who look as impatient as the Squashy Grapes were BFDI 9*] I think it would be nice if you lightened up the atmosphere a bit.
* **Two**: I'm glad you suggested that, Golf Ball, because that's exactly what I'm doing!
* **Golf Ball**: And what's that?
* **Two**: Lightening the atmosphere, literally. Watch this!

Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Notes

1. ↑ "Να 'σαι καλά" means "Thank you" in Greek, while a "galah" (pronounced *ga-LAH*) is an Australian bird that must be pretty daft, because that's also what they call a stupid person over there.
2. ↑ It's so much like Tennis Ball to convince his compatriots to vote. Oh wait, he actually did.
3. ↑ Literal toilet humour. Better not be the thing of the eighties.
4. ↑ In a sense, this episode's set of contests mirrors that of BFDI 10: One rather long one, one shorter one and a very extremely short one.

**Fake TPOT** [V]