Anastasia: Once Upon a Time (Film)

**Anastasia: Once Upon a Time** is a very good movie written and directed by Anastasia Romanov and Blake Harris released on April 7th, 2020, to critical worldwide acclaim and ultimate divine praise. Only a privileged few among the most muscular and swollen minds among the human species have been able to appreciate the true genius and beauty of the complex historical tale.

## Plot

1917, Tsar Nicholas II, his stupid family, and a motley assortment of other wealthy assholes hold a ball in their royal palace while Vladimir Lenin plans his overthrow of the Tsardom, thereby skipping the whole February Revolution shitshow in the process apparently. As Lenin and his revolutionary guard storm the opulent dwelling, Nicholas ushers his dumb children into the basement. His then-loyal mystic, Rasputin, opens a portal with his bizarre Slavic dark magic and throws Anastasia Romanov through just as Lenin rushes in for a surprise photo-op. With the aid of another mysterious sorcerer named Yara the Enchantress, Lenin hypnotizes Rasputin into hunting down Anastasia and killing her to finally rid the revolution of any future monarchist LARPers. An intense, throbbing romance rapidly envelops Lenin and Rasputin.

In the year 1989, a young girl named Megan living with her adopted family in the American city of Madison is having a difficult time fitting in with her peers. On her way to a birthday party where Megan's bullies throw the present she brought into a trash can filled with pizza, Megan's adoptive mother nearly hits Anastasia with her car but believes she saw a deer. Later, Anastasia's magical necklace leads her to Megan and the two quickly become close friends and eat spaghetti with their hands like fucking animals. Anastasia also uses magic to control plants and become a petty terror to Megan's bullies, who are nearly as dorky as Megan herself. Megan takes Anastasia to the mall, where they attend a surprise concert by teen superstar-fronted music group Bliss, later befriending the blood mage singer. Rasputin meanwhile wanders the mall aimlessly, learns to breakdance, and becomes a gamer.

The friendship between Anastasia and Megan deepens until Halloween, when they go to a haunted house together. Rasputin tracks them to the venue, but is briefly waylaid by the power of Pop Rocks. After the diversion, Rasputin seizes Anastasia. The disappearance leads Megan to believe she has been abandoned, and Megan leaves the haunted house distraught. After recognizing her mistake, Megan rushes to Anastasia's rescue on her bike and the two of them curb stomp Rasputin in a park before breaking the magic hold of Yara and Lenin over the holy man.

Anastasia and the newly freed Rasputin return to the past, where Prince Lee arranges to smuggle the entire royal family into Mongolia. Rasputin declines Anastasia's invitation to join the Romanovs, as he can no longer bear hiding his love for Lenin and resolves to return to his arms.

Seventy years later, Megan goes to deliver a housewarming gift for her new neighbors and reunites with an elderly Anastasia. The film ends with Anastasia beginning to regale Megan with tales of the strange and repulsive rituals Prince Lee employed to secure the Romanov family's escape from Lenin.