Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 5

DO NOT PROTECT THIS PAGE (UNLESS I HAVE ADMINISTRATOR BACK) IN CASE I NEED TO EDIT PAGE ACCORDINGLY DUE TO POSSIBLE CHANGES IN THE DOCUMENT. Refer to the disclaimers in Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 1 for more information on why this page exists. It's important. But the gist is, I want to archive it/save my work somewhere, and please don't read if you want to wait until I release the finished product. Thank you.

*Pages 101-125*

> PS: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> SUMMON HENRY CLAY (00509)

This is getting way out of hand. There is far too much discord in the political atmosphere.

It is time levy Mr. Clay's asking fee and invoke the oratory skills of The Great Compromiser himself.

> HC: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> PACIFY (00510)

A hand comes out of the large beast. HENRY CLAY emerges from it.

Dialoglog

HC: GNAR

PS: HENRY CLAY! WOW I AM A HUGE FAN! COULD YOU RATIFY SOME TREATIES FOR ME?

Henry Clay seems to be busy killing the beasts.

Dialoglog

HC: GNAR GNAR

PS: HENRY?

HC: GNAR GNAR

HC: THHHHTHH

PS: HENRY!

Just before Henry Clay looks at PS, he grabs the Zombie Hired Muscle.

Dialoglog

PS: OK NOT COOL JUST GET OUT.

HC puts down the ZHM and simply does a brutal kick to the gut to him.

The beasts and the Zombie Muscle have all been slain by the rampaging Kentucky senator.

> PS: Advance further into level. (00511)

Fluthlu explodes through the DEATH STAR WINDOW.

An embarrassment of moist, frisky flagella writhe about the room.

> AD: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> LV. 2 TORSO FLAIL (00512)

You become a torso flailing machine and start whipping monster chum like it's going out of style.

The red meat merely energizes Fluthlu, making his moist flagella all the friskier!

> Fluthlu: FONDLE (00513)

The tickling tendrils probe curiously for every nook and cranny they can find. It is beyond embarrassing.

Shamed, Ace Dick leaves the battlefield and goes back downstairs.

You are feeling flashbacks of fat kid's shame that even your heartiest truffle shuffle wouldn't shake off.

> ZAD: Go by Fluthlu, granting him wide berth whilst doing so. (00514)

You slide past the gruesome foe, utilizing a maneuver made famous by an early 90s rap star.

> PS: Pick up shard of glass and put it in your inventory. (00515)

Aw hell no.

The wall behind you is infested with ethnic diversity and good cheer.

> Fluthlu: LV. 77 DISQUIETING LEER (00516)

Fluthlu treats you to a fearsome ogle of necrotizing fury.

It is deflected off your SHARD OF GLASS and hits the mural behind you.

The trecherous mob emerges from the artwork with a spring in their undead shuffle.

You're normally an advocate of diversity and strong sense of community but this is one cultural rainbow you wish would just go fuck off.

> Cultural Rainbow: COMBAT OPERANDI -> MOB RULE (00517)

The netherworldly town committee teaches you the hard way that racial harmony is everyone's business.

> Bespectacled Wench: COMMUNITY OUTREACH (00518)

The gross witch dishes sick civic service with her HAGPALM.

OH THE HUMANITY.

Meanwhile, HD's CHARM BREAK! meter is maxed.

You prepare for your ultimate attack, KISS OF DEATH.

But you can't pull the trigger yet! Gotta get his BLOOD SUGAR up first.

> Zombie AD: Advance. (00519)

It's the most hideous thing you've ever seen. A great edifice of stone made manifest the unholy triumvirate itself: Stiller, Wilson, Snoop...

THE DREADED BOWEN STILSON DOGG.

There's no way in hell anyone's going to move that thing.

> Thus: AGGRESS (00520)

Zombie Ace Dick successfully AUTO-PARRIES! about a thousand rounds through his soft rotting frame.

> PS: LV. 10 SLEUTH DIPLOMACY: CEASEFIRE (00521)

Not one for violence, you opt for the diplomatic route and motion for a laying down of arms.

That is, ripping them apart with your bare hands and legs.

However, the last guy manages to have you on a chokehold. You can barely escape!

But then, the Zombie Muscle uses the last of his energy to shoot the muralic demon in the head, before passing for real.

Fluthlu has pried himself from the wall and carries the DEATH STAR WINDOW around on his back sort of like a hermit crab.

> Candy Mechas: Mobilize! (00522)

The smaller fractal mech army rises to the occasion.

They fly through MK's office window.

> Candy Mechas: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> SELF SACCHARINE-FICE (00523)

Mobster Kingpin goes into DIABETIC SHOCK.

> CHARM BREAK! KISS OF DEATH

Mobster Kingpin has been slain.

> NB: Fall in a more nervous manner. (00524)

You do declare you must do something about this case of the vapors.

Death is there to greet MK, although he does seem preoccupied at the moment.

Pickle Inspector and Death are embroiled in an epic scrum. They duel in a match of WIZARD'S SUDOKU.

Death charges with his JOUSTING SCYTHE.

This is incredibly silly!

Ace Dick is pinned in a poor strategic position.

Q\*Bert razzes you with his FLAGELLUM OF IMPERTINENCE.

Since Death is distracted, MK surreptitiously tiptoes out of the afterlife.

> HD: Frisk MK's body for valuables. (00525)

His portly body provides a generous frisking canvas. You could be here a while.

A plump hand comes to life and squeezes your neck.

> MK: COMBAT OPERANDI -> INSULIN SHOT (00526)

MK's health is restored and his BLOOD SUGAR has been reduced to zero.

> MK: SUMMON WILFORD BRIMLEY (00527)

You invoke the ruddy, churlish spirit of your great patron spirit, Wilford Brimley. His crippling diabetic dysfunction is barely concealed beneath his fat moustachioed mug.

It looks like someone just shit in his dinner and he's none too pleased.

> MK: COMBAT OPERANDI -> TYPE 2 DIABEAT-DOWN (00528)

The BRIMLEYGEIST merges with your aura and you give the bum's rush to the feisty Jane -- put a bruise on that tomato, see?

Hysterical Dame flies out of MK's room. She is out cold.

Mobster Kingpin closes the door to his safe.

Your CLEMENCY OWL is hooting up a storm.

Your PARLIAMENT UPROAR! is cranked, briefly unlocking one of your most lethal attacks, TRUSTY KNIVES.

Fluthlu's flagella look like they just got a little moister.

> AD: Check on hot sauce still. (00529)

Things are seriously a-rumblin' in the still room.

> PARLIAMENT UPROAR! TRUSTY KNIVES (00530)

If you didn't have your TRUSTY KNIVES, you think you'd slit your wrists.

Fluthlu's face is stabbed multiple times.

> PS: Target the plug powering the window. Don't forget your witty one-liner. (00531)

After one of your more inspired SLEUTH ROLLS, you drop your cold blooded line which you spent the last few minutes thinking up.

Hate to cut and run…

Fluthlu has been slain.

AD rides the still like a mechanical bull.

> Oh get the hell off of there. (00532)

AD does as you command.

> PS: Victory dance! (00533)

PROBLEM SLEUTH GAINED A LEVEL!

IMAGINATION: +103

PULCHRITUDE: +16390

VIM: +2

PROBLEM SLEUTH EXCELLED TO NEW RATING: CANNY GUMSHOE

PROBLEM SLEUTH ACCRUED BATTLE TECHNIQUE: LV. 25 SLEUTH DIPLOMACY

PROBLEM SLEUTH ACCRUED BATTLE TECHNIQUE: LV. 9 UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER

PROBLEM SLEUTH GAINED A LEVEL!

IMAGINATION: +181

PULCHRITUDE: +20020

VIM: +1

PROBLEM SLEUTH EXCELLED TO NEW RATING: SUITOR TO THE SODAJERK'S CONFIDANTE

PROBLEM SLEUTH ACCRUED COMBAT OPERANDI: ARMISTYX

PROBLEM SLEUTH PERFECTED HIS GAMBIT SCHEMA: CANDY CORN VAMPIRE!

> MK: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> HOOCHED-UP BOOTLEGGER (00534)

A savvy mug like you is sure to stash his hard earned cabbage in gin mills and rumrunning. You're never without supply.

You imbibe a great volume of SUGAR FREE CANDY LIQUOR.

Your IMAGINATION soars.

> MK: Build fort out of desk. (00535)

You build your fort.

Meanwhile, the gang is halted in their tracks by the sight of the repellent BOWEN STILSON DOGG. It looks like this is the end of the road.

The hot sauce still explodes.

The blast travels up the DUMBWAITER SHAFT.

The BOWEN STILSON DOGG has been destroyed.

> PS: Rebuild BOWEN STILSON DOGG. (00536)

There is no hope. Sorry, you have to know when to let go.

> AD: Check aftermath of still explosion (00537)

The FIVE ALARM HOT SAUCE is ready. The juice sure looks like it packs a wallop.

> PS + ZAD: Open MK's door. Enter. (00538)

You are a little too late. Mobster Kingpin is safely tucked away in his fort. He is quite obviously impervious to all physical attacks in there. You'll have to find another way to get at him.

> PS + ZAD: Enter safe room. (00539)

Someone has beaten the tar out of this fair dame. You wonder what sort of monster would lay his mitts on such a classy lookin' skirt. Your blood boils.

> PS + ZAD: Go up. (00540)

The path is blocked! You'll need an awful strong fella to bust the obstacle.

> AD: Drink sauce. (00541)

You ladle the potent condiment from its basin with your TRUSTY HAT.

It has a funny taste. You can't put your finger on it, but if you had to describe it you would say it has the flavor of INTENSE PAIN.

An incredible transmutation takes place.

Ace Dick becomes FIESTA ACE DICK. Your VIM reaches its full potential.

> MK: Descend(?) to demonhood. (00542)

You cannot descend into the sky because the universe is not upside-down!!!

On his way back up, Fiesta Ace Dick inverts the STAINED GLASS WINDOW to test his awesome strength.

> MK: Descend(!) to demonhood. (00543)

You descend (ascend?) into the sky.

> FAD: Get bust outta there–Andele Andele, Ariiba, Ariiba! (00544)

You put your normal hat back on because you think this silly ethnic shit is probably going to get really old really fast.

You lose the poncho too.

You send your bratwurst-fingered fist bust-ward, obliterating it.

It was full of candy, sort of like a piñata. Your Sleuth comrades instinctively dive for the treats.

The ethnic connotation rears its ugly head and makes you a little hot under the collar.

MK continues to desc(asc)end in an upside-down manner.

> PS + FAD + ZAD: Advance. (00545)

You're enraged to find a Wilson bust blocking your path this time.

There is a CAPTAIN'S SEXTANT on the floor over there. It appears to be missing its TELESCOPE.

> FAD: Wail on Wilson bust. (00546)

It's full of more candy. Mostly Fun-Sized Snickers and Three Musketeers bars. Also a couple of coveted SALTED MELONS.

> PS + FAD + ZAD: Advance. (00547)

These are the stairs to the deck. Fiesta Ace pushes on the trap door.

There is some resistance from above. Something is blocking it. Probably nothing your ripped pair of sauce-roided guns can't handle.

> FAD: Open the trapdoor. (00548)

Your brawn sends Captain Snoop sky-ward.

> PS + FAD + ZAD: Go up to deck. (00549)

It's Mobster Kingpin's ship, the CHICAGO OVERCOAT, black thorn of the imaginary skies.

You suddenly remember the universe is upside-down!

The Ace Dicks fall into the sky.

Problem Sleuth grabs hold of the STEERING WHEEL.

Oh great, here comes MK descending his ass (asc) off like a motherfucker. You've got to think of a way to right this ship, fast!

> PS: "Climb" the steering wheel. (00550)

With an adept motion, you swoop right(wrong?)-side-up to face the WHEEL.

A strange light emanates from the WHEEL.

The NAVIGATION VIEWFINDER activates.

> PS: Turn wheel, "capsizing" the boat upright. (00551)

It does not have the intended effect, but the consequence is roughly the same. Instead of righting the ship, you "capsize" the whole universe.

Zombie and Fiesta Ace fall back to the deck.

(Admiral Sleuth decides to call this the "Ace Deck" because he thinks it sounds clever. He also thinks he should be referred to as "Admiral Sleuth", if only for a little while.)

Captain Snoop falls back down and crushes one of the PROPULSION FANS.

MK is now technically ascending from the carried-over momentum of his previous descent. Demonhood is imminent.

> NB: Land already! (00552)

You would nervously land already, but Future Pickle Inspector appears and intercepts you.

You wonder, why, who's this tall brawny fella?

> [PAUSE]

You pause, then leave to go get some snacks and drinks. You've been playing this game for quite a few hours, and you've been getting hungry, not to mention thirsty. You'll need some energy to keep going. As you sit back with the mythical life-extending items, you have a feeling that there's still a long road ahead.

> [UNPAUSE]

MK's indecent ascension is nearly complete.

> FINAL BOSS BATTLE. (00553)

It's MK's hideous ultimate form, DEMONHEAD MOBSTER KINGPIN.

The fan islands disperse.

> AS: Fashion a more fitting hat from your old hat. (00554)

You flip your reversible HAT inside-out to produce the ADMIRAL'S HAT. Your NAUTICAL PROWESS multiplies by a factor of 10.

You make sure to re-stow the precious CANDY CORN inside it.

You briefly pose as a team because shit seriously just got real again. This iron-faced thug has kept you under his thumb long enough. It's time to take him out.

You have a feeling you'll need help from as many allies as you can get for this epic struggle.

> FPI: Bring nervous broad to the Ace Deck. (00555)

You decide to reunite the fair dame with her allies, but suddenly reconsider at the sight of the foul demon.

Sheesh! That is no place at all for a delicate flower like her.

Instead you drop her off at the brothel in the sky. She'll be much safer with the whores on whore island.

You offer words of reassurance to undisconcert her before leaving to take on the monster.

> DMK: COMBAT OPERANDI -> LV. 49 ABSTRACTED THOUGHT (00556)

Part of your awareness detatches itself from the imaginary universe and returns to reality.

You are now free to move about in reality while your demonic self remains in the realm of imagination.

> MK: Gather up all the ship portholes. (00557)

You pry the port and starboard-side SHIP PORTHOLES from the walls. It seems their batteries are now fully-charged and they may operate free from their outlets.

> PI: Defeat death already. (00558)

You're working on it!

Death chases you though the partially-complete LABYRINTHINE SUDOCUBE DIAMETRIC. He urges you to pull over with his BULLHORN SCYTHE.

This is incredibly serious business.

You head-bump a SUDOCUBE STEM BLOCK.

The DIAMETRIC can clearly be seen by GPI, above His flower. It is in an unfinished state.

Meanwhile, Ace Dick is in some blocky chess land with a species of Q\*Berts.

> AD: Establish superiority by punching nearest Q\*Bert in snout (00559)

The Q\*Berts are enamored of your rowdy, no-nonsense brand of ruffianism. Your superiority has been clearly established!

Q\*HEARST appears to be especially smitten!

> FPI: Go back to Ace Deck. (00560)

You sense your allies are in need.

> AS: Fire warning shots off the port bow. (00561)

The bullets are deflected. There's no way you'll be able to inflict damage through that metal mask, let alone through his natural defenses at low BLOOD SUGAR levels.

For that matter, it looks like you won't even be able to feed him candy!

The ricocheted bullets are AUTO-PARRIED! swiftly through Zombie Ace's necrotic tissue.

ZAD matured a new PARRYCRAFT: OVERRIPE PRODUCE!

> PS: Use tommykey on lock. (00562)

Your RING OF KEYS is just way too small for that oversized lock.

You're gonna need to find a bigger set of keys!

PI has done it.

The beauty of your remarkable accomplishment has caused Death to shed a tear of black liquid sorrow.

Pickle Inspector has finally perfected the LABRYNTHINE SUDOCUBE COMPREHSENSILE!!!

Death has been bested. You are free to leave.

Ace Dick has beaten Q\*HEARST to death with a PAWN.

He can go too.

> PI + AD: Return to land of living. (00563)

You breathe a sigh of relief.

You were afraid you might have missed something out of the ordinary while you were gone.

> MK: Dump portholes through jacuzzi. (00564)

Into the bubbling portal they go. All but one.

DMK seizes them telekinetically.

> MK: Grab the cinder blocks. (00565)

Before you throw the last one in, you pick up the CINDER BLOCKS from the base of your fort and throw them through the final PORTHOLE. You were tired of stubbing your toe on them anyway.

Finally, you toss the last PORTHOLE in the jacuzzi.

There is suddenly a lot of traffic being conducted through those lights.

The three enlarged CINDER BLOCKS cycle through the enlarged PORTHOLES, providing your demonic form with even more defense!

MK ducks back into the safety of his fort.

> AS: Craft sea-worthy hats for your allies. (00566)

You fit your mates with appropriately nautical headwear.

Corsair Dick and Skipper Inspector seem quite pleased with the look!

(But seriously, we can keep referring to them all with the standard shorthand, PS, AD and PI, because really, this is going to be confusing if we start getting too literal!)

> FPI: Conjure candy armor. (00567)

Two can play at the defense game.

Admiral Sleuth dons the PEPPERMINT MYTHRIL COAT.

Corsair Dick dons the JOLLY RANCHER FULL PLATE.

Skipper Inspector dons the STUDDED FRUIT LEATHER.

Zombie and Fiesta Ace Dick don't get to have cool armor though because they're a couple of weirdos.

> Quick pose as a team again this shit seems pretty real. (00568)

Didn't we just do this?

Nonetheless, FPI cajoles a group photo out of the party dressed to the nines in swanky new duds.

> DMK: AGGRESS (00569)

While you're all goofing around, DMK turns his defense into offense! PS absorbs the cinder block's brunt entirely!

Your armor's TREACLE AEGIS gauge takes a hit, but you're otherwise undamaged. Looks like the candy coat is doing the trick!

Communal forces cause HD to stop being knocked out cold.

> Candy Mecha: Join the battle already! (00570)

The brainless war machine blasts off to adventure.

Or at least its detachable hull segment does, leaving the legs behind.

> AS: SEPULCHRITUUUUUUUUUUUU-UUUDE! (00571)

No you fool!

Don't you realize if you initiate that attack, it will be the last thing you do???

Fiesta smacks some sense into you.

> HD: Flip switch. (00572)

You wonder what that switch does. You give it a curious flip.

It doesn't appear to have done anything.

The power in the room is cut off. The jacuzzi stops bubbling.

The large portal closes.

> AS: Take charge as leader. Demand weapons. (00573)

It's time to quit the harebrained antics and rally your troops around an actual battle plan.

You ask all of them to hand over their weapons.

You tell FAD to hang on to his MACHINE GUN since you really just need the one. You ask the idiot zombie to pony up his, though.

> AS: Give all the weapons to PI. (00574)

You order PI to take the KEY, the RING OF KEYS, and the HAIRPIN down to the jacuzzi and jump in with them.

In the meantime, you and the Aces will keep DMK at bay.

Skipper Inspector politely accepts the mission.

> PI: Take weapons down to MK's office. (00575)

Along the way, you drop the GUN, the TOMMY GUN, and the MACHINE GUN because you suddenly remember your VIM is not nearly high enough to carry them.

This appears to be a snag in the plan.

HD is standing there looking puzzled. She wonders what's with the fruity getup.

> PI: Ask HD to take weapons instead. (00576)

Thinking on the fly, you come up with an imaginitive alternative: to get this strapping dame to do a man's work for him.

It's no wonder Admiral Sleuth entrusted you with this critical operation. His bold leadership causes your heart to palpitate with admiration.

Hysterical Dame brings the weapons to the jacuzzi.

HD comes out of the manhole.

This appears to be another snag in the plan.

Thank goodness that's taken care of.

PI spaces out for a moment.

Hey, what the heck does this switch do? You completely forget.

Mysterious divine forces along with a profound sense of addled curiosity cause you to flip it.

The big portal is active again, rendering the manhole useless.

HD is now trapped on the street.

The mysterious divine forces continue to inform your addled impulses. There's something you feel a strong urge to go get.

> HD: Walk to nearest intersection. (00577)

Considering there's not much traffic, the lights above seem awfully busy.

> PI: Become homoerotically interested in returning to your fan. (00578)

The magnetism you feel towards your trusty fan is as powerful as it is inexplicable.

More divine forces compel you to bring the fan somewhere else.

> PI: Dump the fan through the jacuzzi. (00579)

You're not sure why you're doing this, but it feels important.

You offer a few fond parting words to your breezing device and drop it in the bubbling vat.

MK is sort of weirding you out from in there.

The fan lands on the Candy Mecha's legs.

> PI: Return to battle. (00580)

On the way back up, you spot a lovely SOMBRERO. Some careless fellow has left it here on the floor. You imagine the chap must be heartbroken about it. What a shame.

You put it in your inventory.

You go to the next room. In this room you spy a CAPTAIN'S SEXTANT, sans TELESCOPE. You ogle the curious navigation apparatus for a moment.

> AS: Retrieve Snoop Bust, for it is too important to be lost. (00581)

It is drifting far out of reach.

I'm sorry. You have to know when it is time to say goodbye.

> HD: Throw weapons into the lights. (00582)

Waiting for a gap in the cinder block cycles, you start with the HANDGUN, lobbing it into the PORT SIDE RED LIGHT.

The KEY emerges from the STARBOARD SIDE GREEN PORTHOLE, unlocking one of the locks.

> HD: Throw tommy gun. (00583)

You lob the TOMMY GUN into the STARBOARD SIDE YELLOW LIGHT.

It emerges from the PORT SIDE RED PORTHOLE. DMK's metal mask is now naked.

> HD: Throw machine gun. (00584)

Finally, you lob the MACHINE GUN through the PORT SIDE GREEN LIGHT.

The HAIRPIN emerges from the STARBOARD SIDE YELLOW PORTHOLE, unlocking the final lock.

HOLY MACKEREL, DMK HAS A HIDEOUS FACE.

> PI: Pick up captain's sextant. (00585)

You pick up the SNIPER RIFLE. It is a powerful weapon capable of transforming anyone with a keen ogle into a deathbringer from afar.

Unfortunately, it is practically useless without its TELESCOPE.

Below, the candy mecha's legs scramble around like a chicken whose head decapitated itself and flew into the sky to fight a demonic mob boss.

> ZAD: Zombie truffle shuffle. (00586)

You make your swiss cheese-brained self useful and turn your ordinary lead-footed zombie shuffle into a zombie truffle shuffle.

Or is it that you turn your ordinary truffle shuffle into a zombie truffle shuffle?

Either way, this attack proves to be absolutely pointless.

> Candy Mecha: Fire into DMK's mouth(s). (00587)

The stubborn monster shuts his various traps! You'll have to catch him off guard if you want to get that BLOOD SUGAR up.

> ZAD, FAD, and AD: TRIPLE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE. (00588)

Alright, well you missed with the candy thus making him still impervious to attacks, but I guess you didn't notice that.

You strike your poses, readying yourselves for the ultimate coup-de-blubber trifecta.

But wait...

It looks like you can't execute your ultimate attack yet anyway.

You will need to collect enough PANG NECTAR to process into the amount of JOCOSE HONEY needed to fill your SUCKLE FLAGON before you can max out your COMB RAVE meter.

God it's almost like you've never played this game before.

Fiesta Ace slams down his HAT in frustration.

Pickle Inspector politely suggests a REPLACEMENT HAT.

Fiesta puts his hat back on in ethnic frustration.

> DMK: THORNCODDLE (00589)

Targeting Corsair Dick, DMK's spiky barbs molest every pocket of his portly carriage in a humiliating manner.

You wish all your friends weren't around to see this.

Your TREACLE AEGIS takes a hit.

A vulgar GLUMSPINE FLAGELLUM unfurls itself rudely and has a gander at PI. The leer of the prickly vegetable disquiets you.

Zombie Ace salivates at the savory-looking tendril. You wonder what sorts of nectars it harbors.

In a flailing panic, the mecha's legs blast off.

It accidentally drops the fan down to whore island. All the whores scatter for cover.

NB probably better get out of the way too!

Ok, now what the hell can HD do?

While you mull it over, a CHEESE TRUCK passes by.

You see something peculiar inside its rear cabin, illuminated by a strange light. You wonder where the truck is going.

> HD: Hail a cab and follow the cheese truck. (00590)

You whistle down a cabby and flip him a spondulick. You tell him there's more where that came from if he keeps the heat on that cheese truck.

The truck passes through the city's "SQUARE SHOULDER TOLLS" where a stiff DAIRY TAX is levied on local distributors.

You cannot pass through the booth because your vehicle is improperly shaped.

You catch a glimpse into the illuminated rear cabin opening. There appears to be a mustachioed man sitting there patiently. You wonder what the heck is going on here!

> HD: Pursue on foot. Ask toll operator for directions. (00591)

The toll booth operator hands you a MAP OF THE DOWNTOWN DISTRICTS.

A part of the map has been circled. It is the GUTTERPIPE PROJECTS, accessed by going through JACK SQUAT UNDERPASS. You are in the SQUARE SHOULDER TOLLS, near the BOUCHERE DISTRICT. You also see that before the TOLLS are the FROMAGERE DISTRICT and BEANPOLE ALLEY, beyond that being the BOULANGERE DISTRICT. For now, it seems you will need to go to the PROJECTS.

> NB: Get the hell out of the fan's way. (00592)

You avoid the enormous fan in the nick of time.

You enter the SLEAZY BROTHEL.

The decor seems unusual. Lavish and seductive, yet festooned with gorgeous cultural wall paintings.

Is this a bordello matron's lair, or that of a sort of artisan? This is kind of confusing.

You wonder where the Madame is.

The FAN PLUG crashes through the ceiling.

> NB: Ride the plug like a mechanical bull. (00593)

Wow, what a fucking waste of...

Actually, this is a lot of fun.

> ZAD: Sample DMK's tentacle with a nice bottle of Merlot. (00594)

You dine on the sumptuous creeper with gluttonous abandon, releasing a steady flow of thick PANG NECTAR.

FPI's suggestion for a nice wine to complement the meal goes boorishly disregarded.

DMK smarts from the voracious nibbling, leaving his mouths vulnerable to a sugar salvo.

The candy mecha seizes the opportunity.

The GLUMSPINE FLAGELLUM retreats into its thorny bramble. DMK's BLOOD SUGAR elevates.

The PANG NECTAR is collected by energetic worker bees.

They busily set to work building an IMPETUS COMB to transmute the bitter nectar into sweet JOCOSE HONEY. Recently collected nectar is stored between the walls of the newly erected SIERPINSKI CELLS.

They labor under the instruction of their CHIEF ARCHITECT.

> NB: Plug fan into enormous outlet. (00595)

You're not sure if there's an enormous outlet around here, and anyway, you can't even lift the enormous plug.

It's too heavy for a delicate flower like you, toots!

> NB: Equip the corset. (00596)

You don the ASPECT CORSET. You feel so womanly now, you can hardly breath.

On an unrelated note, the thing sure is tight.

Also, your feet suddenly feel wet for reasons completely unfathomable to you. It appears to harbor inscrutable mystical properties.

> NB: Add stripper container to inventory. (00597)

You equip the STRIPPER.

> NB: Go through EYE DOOR. (00598)

In this room, three curtained doors of varying shapes await.

This is where the "performers" enter, whatever the heck that means!

> HD: Pursue cheese truck to Gutterpipe Projects. (00598)

The CHEESE TRUCK has eluded you, but you follow the map to the GUTTERPIPE PROJECTS which was just a few blocks away.

> Unmute Professor Bee, he's been silent long enough. (00599)

"IT'S ABOUT TIME, FRIEND!

ONCE WE HAVE COMPLETED BUILDING YOUR IMPETUS COMB, AND ALL OF ITS JOCOSE HONEY HAS RIPENED AND IS SWEET AS CAN BEE, THAT IS WHEN THE FUN BEEGINS!!!

WE THEN BRING IT TO THE TECTON HIVE TO DISPENSE THE HONEY! WE WILL PLACE THE COMB IN THE SLOT AVAILABLE, DEPENDING ON ITS SIZE. THE NEXT COMB WE BUILD AFTER THAT WILL BE A NOTCH BIGGER!

EACH TIME WE PUT A COMB IN THE HIVE, THE HONEY WILL FILL YOUR SUCKLE RECEPTACLE AND YOU WILL GET TO USE A COMB RAVE, A VERY POWERFUL ATTACK. THE BIGGER THE COMB, THE RICHER THE HONEY, AND THE MORE DEVASTATING THE RAVE!!! AS LONG AS YOU KEEP PROVIDING THE NECTAR, WE'LL KEEP BUILDING BIGGER AND BIGGER COMBS UNTIL THE 8TH COMB IS COMPLETE. THAT WILL BEE ONE HONEY OF A RAVE!

I'M A BEE!

WHEN TAPPING THE TECTON HIVE, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ROTATE THE LAZY SUSAN OF ENDOWMENT, TO CHOOSE WHICH SUCKLE RECEPTACLE THE HONEY WILL DROP INTO! THE CORRESPONDING CHARACTER IS THEN ABLE TO PERFORM HIS OR HER COMB RAVE! EACH CHARACTER HAS A UNIQUE RAVE, AND A DIFFERENT ONE FOR EACH POWER LEVEL. SO CHOOSE WISELY!"

> HD: Climb ladder and look into pipe. (00600)

Curiosity gets the best of you as you decide you must sleuth this contraption.

You poke your fair features into the pipe. It is dark and damp. There is the distant sound of a whirring mechanical device.

You slip and fall in.

> NB: Enter far right room. (00601)

That doesn't sound like a good idea to you. Since you are improperly shaped, it's probably impossible. Or at least highly inappropriate.

> NB: Take off all your clothes and enter far left room. (00602)

You consider stripping before you enter, but there are no murals around to apply the STRIPPER to!

You decide to forget it and just enter the TALL PRIVATE BOOTH.

There is a TALL WINDOW in the booth. On the other side is your spectator, a MANNERLY HIGHBROW. He seems to have been waiting here patiently for a while.

There does not appear to be any glass in the window. On the other side, a coin-operated meter ticks down. The Highbrow has likely supplied it with a spondulick or two for his viewing pleasure.

There is a lovely mural on the wall beside you.

The gutterpipe projects HD through the MOTION PICTURE PROJECTOR, which is currently showing a BURLESQUE FLAPPER ACT in an empty theater.

However, the lens is focused such that the image projects very small on the screen. It needs to be adjusted if the patrons want to get an eye-full of all those smooth alabaster gams.

> Mute bee again. (00603)

To no one's surprise, the HONEYBEE PROFESSOR is quite displeased that you did this again. This may be a surprise to you (ironically enough), but he actually wants you to leave protips on in case any more of those nasty fractaline accretions occur. You doubt you're gonna encounter any of that weird shit again, though, so you choose not to care about him.

It looks like DMK's BLOOD SUGAR is gradually decreasing through some sort of diabolical regenerative ability.

Son of a bitch!

> AS: AGGRESS (00604)

You clearly have no time to lose! You order Team Sleuth to stop mincing around with bees and wine and shit and get busy aggressing his thorny ass!

Except you realize you don't actually have any weapons. You used them all to unlock his armor. And all PI has is that stupid useless SEXTANT.

This is sort of embarrassing.

DMK is not wasting anymore time either. He's powering up for a major assault.

> DMK: COMBAT OPERANDI -> CINDER ABLOCKALYPSE (00605)

The cinderblocks start accelerating rapidly until they are but a blur. An energetic blur. An infinite energy blast coming through every porthole.

The porthole loop ascends in the sky, and turns into one big blast of energy. It gets sent downward to attack everyone on the ship. Except for FPI, who is floating away from the attack.

The TREACLE AEGISES of the nautical trio take a huge hit. They are not dangerously close to losing their armor yet, and PI's aegis just barely left the holding part of the candy cane.

Fiesta Ace loses a couple of beans from his FRIJOLE AEGIS. He's got about a million more, making him practically indestructible. Nevertheless, he prefers to distance himself from the needlessly ethnic defensive modality.

Zombie Ace simply AUTO-PARRIES the attack, maturing a new PARRYCRAFT: BRUISED FRUIT - HALF PRICE!

The candy mecha has been destroyed.

> DMK: LV. 10 THORNCODDLE: APESHIT BRAMBLEFUCK (00606)

Before you have a chance to do anything, DMK uncorks another doozy of an attack. Shameless flagella wiggle about, molesting everything in sight.

Your TREACLE AEGISSES have already been depleted to a near-critical level.

Who'd have thought the final boss would be such a pain in the ass!

> NB: Use stripper on mural. (00607)

The man has levied good money to watch you strip, and you're not one to disappoint.

It's getting a little steamy in here. The Highbrow's MONOGLE fogs up.

> NB: Splash a little on wall. (00608)

The Highbrow is quite pleased.

> HD: Enter mousehole, given your small HEIGHT attribute. (00609)

This seems like the only feasible exit, all dimensional parameters considered.

> NB: Strip rest of mural. (00610)

You prepare to douse the entire wall with the STRIPPER.

You incinerate the painting with the FLAME THROWER.

The Highbrow is burnt a little, but nothing fatal at all. You hate this game sometimes. You never know when these shapeshifting items will pull a reacharound so wide that you barely see it coming.

The coin operated timer runs out. The peep show is over, the Mannerly Highbrow having received his money's worth.

The TALL WINDOW switches to a different view.

> HD: Go in. (00611)

You enter the studio of MADAME MUREL, the brothel's matron/artisan.

Above is an outlet, which might be useful for plugging something into, as long as the plug is the right size, and the outlet is supplied with power.

> HD: Climb ladder, equip corset. (00612)

The Madame doesn't seem to have noticed you, so you climb the ladder.

You don the SCALE BODICE. You've never felt so shapely.

The whores complement you on your glamorous new look.

> AS: Use delegation skills to call four nations to your aid. (00613)

DMK is powering up for yet another devastating attack, ostensibly his finishing move.

Thinking fast, you commune with the four kingdoms from afar.

In the meantime, you order Skipper Inspector to put some of that NAUTICAL PROWESS to work with some evasive maneuvers.

The kingdoms assemble four of their mightiest heroes to come to your aid, the WEASEL WARRIOR, the ELF MAGE, the HOG CLERIC, and the CLOWN BARD.

Together, they prepare the harrowing climb up their side of the CATHEDRAL OF SYNDETIC ASCENSION.

> PI: Make universe do a barrel roll. (00614)

The Skipper puts a mean spin on the ship's WHEEL.

The others grab on to the ship's NETTING for stability.

DMK's attack is interrupted. He's going to be sick!

DMK pukes a deluge of PIE FILLING. The deck is a gooey mess. It's disgusting.

> DMK: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> VEXATIOUS GLOWER (00615)

DMK goes ahead and deals an attack anyway.

The volatile PIE FILLING has been ignited.

Your TREACLE AEGISSES have been reduced to zero. Your CANDY ARMOR disintegrates.

> NB: Go through tall window. (00616)

You exit the rear cabin of the BREAD TRUCK.

The distortion forces of the oddly shaped portal squeeze your dimensions to be even taller and narrower.

This simply won't do. You're already self-conscious about your gangly frame.

> NB: Loosen drawstrings on corset. (00617)

You slacken the strings on the ASPECT CORSET, which was way too tight anyway.

Your aspect ratio shortens and widens back to normalcy.

> NB: Ok, nothing to do out here. Go back in. (00618)

You reenter the TALL WINDOW. Your aspect has been altered again, this time in reverse.

> HD: Thank whores for complement. (00619)

It seems the whores have fled in fright.

Madame Murel flicks you through the SCALE BODICE.

You are flushed out of the SCALE VALVE with new dimensions.

> FPI: Conjure frosting to extinguish flames. (00620)

You counter the flammable PIE FILLING with your own blend of soothing, flame-retardant CAKE FROSTING.

The flames have been extinguished.

You're happy you're not on fire and all, but you wonder why the hell Future Pickle Inspector is suddenly blue.

Future Pickle Inspector is wondering the same thing.

It seems at some point in the future, FPI (the red one) used COMBAT OPERANDI -> TEMPORAL REPLICSIMILE, again dividing him in two.