The Legend of Frosty the Snowman Review

*We once again see Bob in his "Quilty Pleasure" suit and top hat with silver tinsel around the base, sitting in front of a Christmassy backdrop.*

**Bob:** \*tips his hat\* Hey, guys. Over this last month, we've seen some movies that have done a better job of presenting the Christmas spirit than others, but today, we're gonna look at something which completely misses the point: "The Legend of Frosty the Snowman".

*The theme of the movie plays over various pictures of Santa Claus.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* There are many iconic characters connected with Christmas, and they're going to be rewritten and reimagined by many different storytellers long after we've passed on. That's all well and good, so long as the core of that character is maintained.

*Then, the opening sequence of the movie is shown.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* But, when you write a story that has nothing to do with that character and you haphazardly toss him into it without catering to the character or his legacy in any way whatsoever, you get a festering load of crap that only makes the audience facepalm in a fit of 'what the hell were they thinking'. That's where "The Legend of Frosty the Snowman" comes in.

*Cut to a few clips of the original 1969 special, which consist of Karen helping her friends build Frosty, her and Frosty onboard a refrigerated boxcar, and her getting dropped off at her house while Santa brings Frosty to the North Pole.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* You remember the story of Frosty, don't you? A little girl builds a snowman and brings him to life, they become friends, and she risks life and limb getting him to the North Pole before he melts, where he lived happily ever after with Santa Claus. This movie opens with Burt Reynolds showing us that Frosty's magic hat is locked up in a trunk. A disappointing answer of why it's locked in a trunk will come soon enough, but what I want to know is how is it now perfectly capable of escaping, when it apparently couldn't before?

**Narrator (Burt Reynolds):** \*voiceover\* It is said that Frosty the Snowman always goes where he is needed most.

**Bob:** \*flatly\* No one ever said that in the history of ever.

**Narrator:** \*voiceover\* And right now, no one needs Frosty more than a boy named Tommy Tinkerton, in a town called Evergreen.

*Cut to another clip of Karen from the first movie.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* One might think that Karen would need him more since we haven't seen her since the first Frosty movie, but that's fine, some random kid who's never even heard of Frosty needs him more, I guess. We then meet Tommy's dad, the mayor, who is such a perfectionist that he pressures flowers into looking their best, even though they're in the middle of winter. Because if there's one thing that needs to be in a Frosty movie, it's fighting off the oppression of Tim Burton's conformist suburbia.

**Bob:**  No, I'm serious, that's the plot of the movie. Frosty the Snowman is rebelling against the establishment in a town that looks like it's afraid that any day now, the Reds are going to drop the bomb on it. \*beat\* Merry Christmas? \*shrugs and winces\*

**Mr. Tinkerton (Tom Kenny):** \*to the flower\* Come on, buddy, be a team player!

*The flower miraculously blooms in the dead of Winter.*

**Mr. Tinkerton:** Attaboy!

*He picks the flower and puts it into one of his buttonholes.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* And he just kills it. Nice. By the way, what was the point of getting Burt Reynolds to tell the story if they didn't even try to make it look like Burt Reynolds?

*Cut to various clips of the narrators from the first three "Frosty" films.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* "Frosty the Snowman" was narrated by Jimmy Durante, and he *looks* like Jimmy Durante. "Frosty's Winter Wonderland" was narrated by Andy Griffith, and he *looks* like Andy Griffith. "Frosty Returns" was narrated by Jonathan Winters, and even *that* pile of Charlie Brown rip-offery made him look like Jonathan Winters. Why did they make *this* narrator look like Geppetto? Anyway, Mayor Stick-Up-His Butt sends his kids off to school, when **this** happens.

**Charlie Tinkerton (Jeannie Elias):** Keep it moving, people!

*Charlie, who is Tommy's older brother, doesn't see the patch of ice on the sidewalk and winds up slipping on it, which sets off an incredible chain reaction and miraculously gets the kids to school, all the while causing potential collateral damage.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* The very obvious moral here is that the slightest variation outside the norm results in complete and utter chaos. I know we're supposed to be *against* this rigid conformity, but the movie is saying that we need it, or else the **world** will explode. And even when the world is exploding, for the love of god, **DO NOT STEP OUT OF LINE!!!**

*Tommy recovers from the fiasco and sees the golden statue of his father, standing against the sun, when the magic hat lands on its head.*

**Narrator:** But if there's one thing that life has taught me, it's that there *are* no accidents.

**Bob:** That puddle on the sidewalk was actually planted by the Communists.

*Bob moves his face towards the camera and stares deeply into the viewers' souls.*

**Bob:** \*menacingly\* There *are* no accidents. \*voiceover, normal\* There are no accidents, huh? I suppose that's the movie's attempt at shrugging off any and all criticism. \*sarcastic\* It intended to suck, so it's OK! \*normal\* Then the hat lands on the inexplicable golden statue of- the mayor? Shouldn't *that* suddenly spring to life?

*The statue suddenly has the eyes and mouth of The Guy (the band Disturbed's mascot).*

**Bob:** \*in a demonic voiceover\* Happy Birthday! \*normal\* Sorry, but since when was the magic hat alive? If it's sentient and can do whatever it wants, why wouldn't it just go back to Frosty whenever he loses it? Then again, since the major theme of this movie is breaking the rules for no reason, I guess arbitrarily ignoring Frosty lore is perfectly acceptable here. After some painful kids movie clichés, like the principal who's straight out of the Third Reich and the main character's would-be love interest with no other purpose than to be a would-be love interest, the kids go home after school, where we get even more confirmation that, yes indeed, this town is all about conformity.

**Mrs. Simple (Tress MacNeille):** When I was a girl, do you know what my favorite after-school activity was?

**Bob:** I don't know. Cleaning the house, staying in a kitchen, making babies? Stop me if I get it.

**Mrs. Simple:** Having mother brush my hair.

*She turns her daughter, Sara's, head and lets her hair down to brush it.*

**Mrs. Simple:** \*in a strange accent\* And with long sweeping strokes, do we \*rolling her Rs\* brush! **Brush!** \*normal voice\* You see, Sara, every girl is a princess, and her hair is her crown.

**Sara Simple (Tara Strong):** But I don't want to be a princess, I want to be an urban planner.

*Her mom gasps and drops the hairbrush.*

**Mrs. Simple:** I swear, you get this from your father's side.

**Bob:** \*shaking a fist\* **Damn you, ambition...!**

*Cut to a shot of the Tinkerton house at night.*

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* Later at Tommy's house...

*The Tinkertons are having dinner when a big flashy, game-show style sign labelled "TINKERTON FAMILY DINNER QUIZ" pops out of nowhere, complete with frill horns, confetti and balloons.*

**Mr. Tinkerton:** Question 1!

**Mrs. Tinkerton (Candi Milo):**Your salad and soup course are presented at the same time.

**Charlie:** Set salad aside at 3 o'clock. Using soup spoon, largest on the table. Move soup counter-clockwise motions to cool. Never blow, never slurp, never set soiled spoon on tablecloth. Wait until others have finished before moving on to the salad course!

**Mr. Tinkerton:** Ooh, look out!

**Mrs. Tinkerton:** Which foods are appropriate to eat with one's fingers?

**Charlie:** Artichokes, asparagus, hors d'ouveres! \*pushes Tommy out of the way before he can answer\* Fruity cake, grapes, cocktail wieners, olives, pickles, nuts, devil's eggs, CHIPS!

**Mrs. Tinkerton:**Yes!

*Eight duplicate frames of her saying "Yes!" appear on screen and Mr. Tinkerton bursts into the frame, holding a medal.*

**Mr. Tinkerton:** We have a winner!

**Bob:** \*voiceover\*Even people who have never seen the 50s know this isn't what it was like. What are you doing here, movie?

**Mr. Tinkerton:** Victory lap around the hood? What do you say? Just you, me and the clipboard.

**Charlie:** Haha, yeah!

**Bob:**\*voiceover\*After they're done not eating dinner, Frosty reveals himself to Tommy.

*The hat of Frosty sprinkles some magic over Timmy's snowman drawing on the window which turns into a miniature Frosty.*

**Bob:**\*voiceover\* So, the magic hat can make Frosty the water vapour as well as a tiny version of himself?

*Cut to a scene from the aforementioned 1969 special of Frosty juggling snowballs thrown by one of Karen's friends.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Keep it coming movie, you're only making the original Frosty less impossible. And what's Tommy's reaction to seeing this tiny snowman materialize on his window?

**Tommy:**\*very flatly\* I can't. I already let my Dad down once today, I just can't.

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Yeah... that's it. No high-pitched screaming, no begging to keep his immortal soul, no wetting of the pants, it's just, \*as Tommy\* "I already let down my Dad once today, I just can't." \*normal voice\* The believability of this movie is off the charts. Since the hat can't do horrible things to Tommy, it goes over to his friend Walter's house.

*Frosty's hat knocks on the door. Inside the house, Walter's mother is doing stitching with classical music playing in the background. When she hears the door knocking, the music stops via turntable scratching. She grabs a can of corn from the drawer and runs over to the door.*

**Mrs. Wader (Vernee Watson-Johnson):** Who's there? \*waits for a reply as Walter walks into the scene\* Aha, no answer. And so what do you do now, Walter?

**Walter (Kenny Blank):** Uh- you open the door and hit him with the vegetables? \*gulps\*

**Mrs. Wader:** These are not vegetables, Walter. This is corn; corn is a starch.

**Walter:** Um- you open the door and hit em with the starch?

**Mrs. Wader:** Absolutely not.

**Walter:** So I don't open the door at all?

**Mrs. Wader:** You do not.

**Walter:** And- so what do I do with the starch?

**Mrs. Wader:** You put it away in the pantry!

**Walter:** You put it away in the pantry. \*does just that\*

**Mrs. Wader:** You can rinse those dinner dishes while you're in there, Walter.

**Walter:** Rinse the dinner dishes.

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* That "not hitting someone with corn" scene lasted 58 seconds, when it would be all to easy to simply cut to the hat looking in on Walter washing the dishes. This movie was animated at 12 frames per second, meaning that they wasted 700 frames of animation doing f\*\*k all. When you get to the point movie, feel free to let us know.

Cut to Walter's bedrom where he gasps upon seeing Frosty's hat floating outside his window.

**Walter:** \*in a shy, but normal tone\* Who are you and what do you want?

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Cheese and crackers, why is no one reacting to this thing like real people might?! What is the point of making this kid incredibly nervous and not having him screaming for his life right now?

**Walter:** \*opening the window\* How are you doing this? I don't see any strings!

*Upon grabbing the hat, it takes Walter for a joyride as he flies across the cityscape of Evergreen. Tommy opens his bedroom window hearing his screaming.*

***Tommy:*** Walter, where are you going?

Bob: \*as Tommy\* Holy s\*\*t! \*points up to the sky) Walter, you're flying! (Turns facing to the camera shrugging his arms and making a squinted, confused face) \*voiceover\* After crashing into the snow in the middle of the woods, Walter arbitrarily puts the hat on the impact. And why does Frosty need to be rebuilt? \*shows clips of the original Frosty the Snowman ending and Frosty materializing on the window in this movie\* Ignoring the fact that he should have been living with Santa Claus, didn't this movie establish that he can just pop out of the hat?

*The pile of snow built by Walter magically spins around until it turns into...*

***FROSTY THE SNOWMAN (Bill Fagerbakke):*** Happy birthday!

***Bob:*** \*looking very appalled\* Oh, f\*\*k you. \*voiceover\* I know that Jackie Vernon was almost 20 years dead by the time this movie was made. But wow, they didn't even TRY to get someone to sound like the original voice. \*in executive voice\* Hey, who should we get to play this iconic character? I know! \*picture of Patrick Star from Spongebob Squarepants\* Why don't we get the guy who played Patrick from Spongebob. That'll sound endearing, won't it? I swear, every line of dialogue just might as well be \*in dumb voice\* DUH! DUHHHHHH!!! \*camera zooms in on Frosty making a derpy face with his eyeballs separate from each other.\*

***Bob:*** \*Voiceover while showing clips from the original Frosty the Snowman play of Frosty parading and dancing in a circle with Karen and the kids\* And let's compare Frosty's for a minute: When the original Frosty came to life, and all he wanted to do was sing and dance with the kids. \*shows clips of Frosty from this movie including him decapitating his own head and making snowballs to throw at Walter\* This Frosty comes to life, and he immediately takes off his head for shock value and starts pelting this little kid with snowballs.

***Walter:*** But I'm- I'm not even wearing my helmet! A-and my- my mom says I can't afford another head injury! \*gets hit by a snowball\* Hey! That didn't even hurt.

***Bob:*** Yes, it did. If it's big enough and thrown hard enough to knock you on your ass, it's gonna hurt. \*voiceover\* Thankfully, this playtime doesn't last forever and Frosty takes Walter home.

***Walter***: Well, hehe, I guess I better um- head inside now... No, its just that I'm um... I'm- I'm a little scared.

***Frosty:*** Scared? Scared of what?

***Walter:*** My mother.

***Frosty:*** Why? Is she covered in hair? Does she have long fangs or terrible claws?

***Walter:*** \*laughs\* No, she's just a lady.

***Bob:*** Are you sure you don't mean \*speaks in a silly fashion\* SHE'S JUST A LADY!

***Frosty:*** Huh, just a lady doesn't sound so scary.

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* Uh, don't give Frosty the crooked Rankin-Bass smile if you're not gonna make the rest of the movie look Rankin Bass. It just looks weird. Now that Walter has been turned into a Rebel Without A Point, Frosty goes off in search of someone else to play with.

***Frosty:*** One down, the rest of Evergreen to go. (As a wide shot of Frosty walking down the streets of Evergreen is shown, foreshadowing the chaos that will happen later on in this movie.)

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* What the hell does that mean? Since when do you go around changing people into something that they aren't? Wait a minute, it all started with that puddle; that upsetted the establishment. He's changed Walter so that he's completely fearless, and now he's going to bring chaos to the rest of the town? He's Loki the Snowman!

*An image of Loki from the 2012 movie* **The Avengers** *appears with Frosty the Snowman's head photoshopped on him. I mean hey, he is a Frost Giant.\**

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* Word gets out of Walter breaking curfew, which means he's forced to wear the cursed dunce cap of shame. And for some reason, the mayor had to do this. Because its not like he has an entire town to manage.

***Miss Sharpey (Grey DeLise):*** Let's direct our attention back to the board, please.

*Tommy looks over to Walter where his dunce cap magically turns into Frosty's hat. Making sure that this isn't a vision, Tommy rubs his eyes and sees its just the dunce cap.*

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* Good lord, now Frosty's affecting their sanity. He is going to take over the entire town! After school, Frosty helps Sara steal the mayor's hood ornament... which is such a liberating experience she has to let her hair down to show us how she's in free spirit. \*on camera\* This movie is making a dangerous blurring of the lines between free spirit and criminal. \*back to voiceover\* Tommy chases her down and never once tries to get her Dad's ornament back from her, and follows her eventually to this little Evergreen model she made out of snow. And when did she have time to do all of this? It didn't snow until yesterday! She ditches him and leaves Tommy alone with the hat.

***Tommy:*** Hello.

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* So all that Frosty had to do to get to Walter was to wait a day? What was the point of this little deviation with Walter or Sara for that matter? We're a third in this movie and so far nothing that has happened has been important! Anyway, the hat leads Tommy to the public library where he finds a secret comic book outlining "Frosty's Secret Origin Story".

***Tommy:*** \*reading out the title of the book.\* The Secret Never Ending Adventures of Frosty The Snowman?

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* Okay, seriously? What the f\*\*k is happening here? In universe, Frosty the Snowman is a work of fiction? How the hell is he real if he's just a comic book character?!

***Tommy:*** Once upon a time, there was a boy who didn't believe in magic. Ironically, his father was a magician. (who for some reason is Professor Hinkle from the original movie) The boy believed that real magic, stuff that you cannot explain, did not exist.

*Cut to a shot of the boy building a snowman in what looks like the town that Frosty, Karen and the kids walked through in the original movie.*

***Tommy:*** And then one day, when the boy was running an errand for his father, something amazing happened.

*The boy puts two eyes made out of coal and a button nose on the snowman. Last but not least, he puts the hat on its head. As usual, magic swirls around the snowman and it animates him into Frosty.*

***Frosty:*** Happy birthday!

***Bob:*** So, the movie want's to be so indicative of the 1950's that it wants to perpetuate the idea that women aren't really people. So, it completely ignores the original story of Frosty being built by KAREN. And instead, it insists that it was built by the son of Professor Hinkle... I hope you're proud of yourself, movie. \*voiceover\* And as if that wasn't confusing or frustrating enough, the rest of the comic is blank because Frosty's story has yet to come to its end. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN IS NOT THE NEVERENDING STORY!

***Tommy:*** You okay, Dad?

***Mr. Tinkerton:*** \*laughs\* Just a little antsy, I suppose. Some of the kids have been giving your old man an awful case of the "good griefs". Your brother's one of them. Food fighting, breaking curfew, and now some nonsense about a... magical snowman! Geez Louise, where did I go wrong? Seems like every kid in town is breaking the rules. But not you, Tommo. I want you to have this pin. You're number one now.

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* Oh, just give the pin to the clipboard! We know its your favourite child.

***Mr. Tinkerton:*** I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you, always right here beside me. Helping me keep things straight. \*tearing up\*

***Tommy:*** Its okay, Dad. \*pats his Dad on the back\*

***Mr. Tinkerton:*** I was talking to the clipboard, son.

***Tommy:*** Oh.

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* While that nonsense is going on, Frosty is playing with Walter and Tommy's brother, Charlie. Remember, he can be in two places at once since he has the power to clone himself apparently.

*A clip from* **Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July** *plays of Winterbolt's proposed army of evil Frosty the Snowman clones in a hall of mirrors, twirling their broomsticks in a military fashion.*

***Bob:*** \*voiceover as Frosty in unison\* Happy birthday! \*normal voiceover\* Later that night, Frosty meets Sarah face to face and he turns a couple of icicles into ice skates. When did Frosty ever have the power to turn icicles into ice skates?! When did he get Jack Frost's freezing powers?! He didn't have those powers in the first movie, he didn't have powers in Frosty's Winter Wonderland, he didn't have powers in Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July, he didn't have powers in Frosty Returns. WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY BASING THIS ON?! This is clearly supposed to be Rankin Bass' Frosty that you're ripping off, so the audience had to have seen that movie if they wanted to check this one out! Why are they making this Frosty so different from the Frosty that we all know and love? The next day at school, the kids who are in the know decide to form the Secret Society of Frosty. It won't be long before they start serving Kool-Aid.

***Narrator:*** But it's most important member was still missing.

***Bob:*** Then, he can't be the most important member, can he? \*voiceover\* Later, Tommy finds his mother in the middle of scrapbooking when she should be making her man a sandwich.

*Tommy notices a certain picture laying on the ground and picks it up.*

***Tommy:*** Mom, who's this?

***Mrs. Tinkerton:*** Why, that's your father when he was your age, playing with your grandfather's hat. He was a magician, you know.

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* So the movie now wants to focus on this super anal-retentive father rediscovering his long lost childhood through the magic of Frosty? So far every other character is more important than the most important CHARACTER! The next morning, we see that just by sheer force of will, the Mayor is able to make the sun rise. Since Frosty is clearly the reincarnation of Loki, I guess we're left to assume that the Mayor is Ra?

***Mayor:*** Morning paper in the postbox? Checkaroonie! Snowdrifts safely below regulation height? Chec- \*realizes that the height of snow is up to his waist\* I don't understand?

*The Mayor looks around town where he gasps in horror as he sees civilians violating city rules such as no jaywalking, no carrying radios in your hand and dancing in the middle of the street as groovy, happy music plays in the background.*

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* What is this, f\*\*king Footlose? WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!? What is even happening right now? A few kids misbehave, and suddenly that makes the entire town go nuts? I guess the Joker should have used a snowman instead of explosives.

***Walter:*** \*trying to get the hat's attention\* Here, Frosty! Over here! It's your old pal, Walter. Choose me! Choose me!

*Tommy throws a snowball at Walter's window.*

***Tommy:*** Walter, I need to talk to you.

***Walter:*** Go away!

*Taking offence at Walter's remark, the hat flies away.*

***Walter:*** No, no, no! Not you! Come back! (to Tommy) What do you want?

***Tommy:*** I want to show you something. \*shows him the magazine\* It's about Frosty and my Dad. It's about the whole town.

***Bob:*** My god... I just realized something... This is not a Frosty story, nor is Frosty a reincarnation of Loki... he's Stephen King's It!

*Clips from The Legend of Frosty the Snowman and the 1990 It miniseries are played side-by-side as Bobsheaux points out the similarities between them with Pennywise's theme playing in the background.*

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* No really, think about it: Some strange otherwordly creature comes into town years ago, screws around with some kids, leaves clues about his history that the next generation finds out about. IT'S IT! FROSTY IS IT! \*as Frosty but with Tim Curry's Pennywise voice\* Hey there, Tommy. Have a balloon. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! \*decapitates his head four times\* WAHA! WAHA! WAHA! WAHA! \*normal voiceover\* Since the entire town has fallen into ruin, the mayor starts to doubt if he's right for the job.

***Principal Pankley (Larry Miller):*** Your car's been vandalized, the grounds are unkempt, your children won't listen to you. Do you really think you're still up to the job? \*reaches for the mayor's clipboard as he gasps in panic.\*

***Narrator:*** For the first time in a long time, Mr. Tinkerton wasn't sure he had the answer. And when you don't have the answers, well, that's when there's room for wonderful things to happen.

***Bob:*** Yes, like panic, madness and chaos! \*voiceover\* But his wife, bless her heart, is doing all that she can to cheer him up.

*Mrs. Tinkerton sings to the tune of some old tune while clapping the clipboard with her hands and around her hips. Tommy provides backup with maracas. The "MUST BE A BOBSHEAUX" disclaimer pops up over the screen with the same "Ta-da!" jingle that is usually accompanied with it.*

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* Frosty crashes on Sara's little snow city, and you'd think maybe this would be a turning point for the kids. Like, maybe they learn that fun is fun, but you can't be completely reckless or else bad things will happen. But no, Frosty just magically makes it all better because "Screw consequences, this is a kids movie!" We can't give the kids anything of value, can we?

***Sara:*** That's Evergreen the way I see it. Or the way I'd wish it was... if wishing weren't against the rules.

***Bob:*** One, how exactly does one regulate wishing? Two, your idealized Evergreen has some buildings that are slightly taller? \*raises his fist in a sarcastic manner\* Dream big, kid.

***Frosty:*** This is beautiful, Sara! And the best part is the only thing you need to complete your vision is right here. \*points to where his heart should be\*

***Sara:*** \*hugs the snowman\* Oh, Frosty...

***Frosty:*** No, literally, it's right here in my chest cavity.

***Sara:*** Oh.

*Sara reaches into his snowy body pulling out the hood ornament from the mayor's car.*

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* Because being a retelling of It wasn't disturbing enough, let's turn this movie into Temple of Doom while we're at it! \*plays the scene again while doing a Mola Ram impression\* KALI MAAAAAA!!!

***Frosty:*** Now who want's to get some snow?

*The "MUST BE A BOBSHEAUX" disclaimer pops up again on the screen. All of a sudden, an avalanche as triggered as Frosty the Snowman leans an ear. As he turns around, he is completely engulfed by it. But rather than Frosty being wiped out, he is seen riding on it like a surfboard along with the other kids who "miraculously" survived.*

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* Uh, BULLS\*\*T!!! I don't care how magical you are, an avalanche is not a tidal wave! Those kids are dead! And so are their dreams of slightly taller buildings, what a shame.

***Narrator:*** It felt like a new day for the children at Evergreen, but the darkest hour often comes directly after having seen the light.

***Bob:*** No, what you're supposed to say is "It's always darkest before the dawn." That is inspiring and hopeful. What you just said is that there is no point in hoping for anything ever. \*voiceover\* The principal bumps into Walter, whose bummed out that he's not the only kid Frosty wants to hang out with. And he sets it up so he can have a little private playtime with Frosty after dark. Yeah, nothing creepy about that. And he seems awfully nonchalant about the existence of this magical talking snowman. How deep does this Frosty conspiracy go?! Then, he holds a town meeting to discuss the evil delinquency caused by rock and roll- I mean, Frosty the Snowman.

***Principal Pankley:*** As of tonight, I will be stepping in for Mr. Tinkerton in managing both the crisis situation... and the town of Evergreen. And I assure you, you will never hear the words.. Frosty The Snowman, again! \*smiles evilly as everyone cheers.\*

***Bob:*** As the principal of the elementary school, I can assume all responsibilites of the mayor completely unapposed whenever I deem it necessary. \*pause\* That's how public office works, right? \*voiceover\* After Martial Law is declared, Tommy reads some new pages of the comic book that weren't there before.

***Tommy:*** The boy spent the rest of the winter looking for proof that Frosty the Snowman really did exist. But he never found any. What the boy didn't know was that Frosty the Snowman was looking for him too, but someone who was jealous of the boy had captured Frosty's hat and locked it away.

*Tommy looks closer into the page and the picture of the boy locking the hat morphs into Principal Pankley laughing diabolically*

***Tommy:*** \*gasps\* Principal Pankley! \*flips the page\* But the wind has a way of stirring things up. The boy was a man now. And if he did not find his way back to Frosty and restore his faith his magic, the others would turn his world... into an ugly place.

***Bob:*** \*puts his hands on his face\* Oh no! He's going to make the town exactly like it was before! \*shrugs his arms\* Eugh?! \*voiceover\* Seriously, if Pankley succeeds in his evil plan, all that will happen is that the town will switch puppeteers. It'll still be just as fascist as ever! And if the whole point of Frosty returning from the grave was so that the Mayor's faith in magic would be restored, which has what to do with him personally or as a public official? Why not just seek him out to begin with instead of infecting the town with his madness?

*Cut to a scene where Walter and Frosty have a night out where they first met. Frosty goes to skate on the frozen canal. Walter goes to join him, but Principal Pankley grabs him from a bush and yanks him back. As Frosty is doing a figure skate spin, Walter notices the ice surrounding him cracking and jitters nervously.*

***Walter:*** FROSTY, NO!

Frosty: Tada!

*As Frosty does a big jump, he finally notices that the ice around is cracking. It finally cracks leaving a small hole of water behind as the snowman falls in. All that's left in his place is the hat.*

***Bob:*** \*sarcastically\* Oh no, Frosty's dead, I guess. \*normal voiceover\* What makes you think this is going to hurt him in any way. Now that Pankley has the hat and the entire town in his pocket, he's on top of the world.

***Miss Sharpey:*** \*clears throat\* Principal Pankley.

***Pankley:*** Ahem!

Miss Sharpey: Oh, I'm sorry. Mayor Pankley.

***Pankley:*** Ahem!

***Bob:*** I'm sorry, General Principal Pankley.

***Pankley:*** Ahem!

***Bob:*** Uh- Supreme Master Grand Dragon Pankley?

***Pankley:*** Ahem!

***Bob:***Top Super Duper Maxi Extreme Ultra Pankley?

***Pankley:*** Ahem!

***Bob:***...God?

***Pankley:*** Thank you, thank you. Mr. Tinkerton has passed the clipboard to me. I am now your leader. Children are to follow their rules, parents are to ask now questions, and Evergreen should do what only Pankley says... Pankley says stand up.

*The children all stand up.*

***Pankley:*** Pankley says touch your heads.

*The children all touch their heads.*

***Pankley:*** Pankley says hop on one foot.

*The children all hop on one foot*

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* Bobsheaux says, where the hell are the cops in this town?! Later that night, Tommy gathers his friends to get the hat back, which is apparently out on display where it could easily escape or be stolen by anyone who passes by! Seriously, the guy had it locked up in half a dozen boxes, how is this going to keep it in place?

*As Tommy lifts up the glass case, Walter grabs the hat which triggers the security alarms to go off. Tommy grabs the hat from his friend to read inside it.*

***Tommy:*** Wow! Property of Theodore Tinkerton.

***Bob:*** No. If that hat belongs to anybody, it's Professor Hinkle! \*voiceover\* Now that the hat is back in the kids' hands, they throw together a new snowman for the hat to possess because I guess it just forgot how to make a snowman on its own. And I don't know about you, but seeing three snowballs stacked on top of each other really makes me appreciate \*shows footage from the original movie\* the craftsmanship that went into the snowman that Karen and her friends built, you know? \*back to the new movie\* The rest of the town sees that Frosty was never a threat to their kids, although I do question why they're suddenly okay with their kids singing and dancing and violating curfew. And Tommy reintroduces his Dad to Frosty.

***Theodore Tinkerton:*** Is that really you?

***Frosty:*** Man, you got old, huh?

***Theodore Tinkerton:*** I thought I made you up. What took ya so long?!

***Frosty:*** I had a little detour along the way \*indicating Pankley\*

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* Yeah, I just realized something: the hat has been locked away for decades. Not only did the original Frosty movie never happen, but neither did any of the others! Frosty the Snowman didn't happen, Frosty's Winter Wonderland didn't happen, Frosty and Rudolph's Christmas in July didn't happen, this story is clearly ripping off the Rankin-Bass Frosty while at the same time completely destroying everything that came before it. F\*\*k you, movie.

***Theodore Tinkerton:*** Principal Pankley, I believe you have something that doesn't belong to you anymore.

***Pankley:*** The hat? Fine, you take it. I'm done with the hat. I'm not a hat guy.

***Theodore Tinkerton:*** No, the clipboard!

***Bob:*** Really? You're not pissed off at him for stealing your friend or robbing you of your childlike sense of awe and wonder? It's all about getting the clipboard back? I hope that thing gives you a splinter and you somehow die from the infection! \*voiceover\* And so the story graciously comes to an end as they all have a friendly snowball fight, Pankley falls into the thin ice himself and eventually died of hypothermia I guess, and Frosty just disappears without any mention of whether he melted, he got picked up by Santa Claus, or if he just got high and wandered off.

***Narrator:*** Tommy grew up to have everything he ever wanted. Take it from because... well, I happen to know Tommy Tinkerton pretty darn well.

***Old Lady (Kath Soucie):*** Thomas, come in from the cold! You'll catch your death!

***Old Tommy:*** Coming Sara, I'm coming.

*As he walks to the house, the tree reveals a wood carving engraved "TOMMY & SARA" with a heart around it.*

***Bob:*** \*voiceover\* Yep, that's what the steaming pile of snowman s\*\*t was building up to: the kid who couldn't ask out the girl he was mildly interested in, was given the confidence to ask her out by having absolutely no interaction with a magical snowman whatsoever. WHAT.. A... LOAAAAAAD!!! And why is Sara living way out here? Didn't she want to be an urban developer? I guess she just gave up her dreams so she could be with Tommy, just like a good girl is supposed to do. \*normal\* So that was The Legend of Frosty the Snowman, and there was nothing "Frosty" or "legendary" about in the slightest.

*Clips of the movie play while Bobsheaux gives his final words about the film.*

Bob: \*voiceover\* This has to be the most confused Christmas story I have ever seen in my life. We've seen movies using Christmas as a selling point (Chilly Christmas) or maybe the get the message a little garbled up (Barbie in A Christmas Carol), but never have I seen a Christmas movie that missed the mark this badly. \*showing a clip from the original movie.\* Frosty the Snowman is supposed to be a playmate for the children who built him, not some anti-establishment hippie trying to enrich the lives of those who need it most. The stories of Frosty and Tommy had nothing to do with each other. This movie has so little to do with Frosty, they didn't even include his theme song, except for in the credits! Tommy, despite the movie insisting he's the most important character did nothing of value that no one else could do themselves. He's so unimportant that he and Frosty never even share any dialogue! And no, him talking to the hat doesn't count. Admittedly, I am kind of curious as to how this super paranoid society lived on since the 50's were over, but if that's the story you want to tell, don't involve Frosty the Snowman!

**Bob:** \*holding the "Legend of Frosty the Snowman" DVD case\* While we condemn this movie to the fate that it deserves, let me assure you that while you and I will spend many a Christmas together, this movie will not be back again someday.

*Bob tosses the DVD from his hands and into the box which is themed like a Christmas present. A chilling organ chord plays as the lid creaks and shuts tight. Lastly, Jimmy Durante's rendition of "Frosty the Snowman" plays as the credits roll.*