S01E02: The Roast of Todd Padre with Librarian Harriet Splooge (Mary Holland)

**Synopsis**

Todd gets roasted by his ex-wife’s handsome new high school boyfriend. Mr. Levi's disagrees with handicap parking, and gives skateboarding a try. We play another one of Mr Padre’s fun word games, and are joined by school librarian Harriet Splooge (Mary Holland). She discusses her failed book fair, making reading sexy again, and the theme for the rapidly approaching prom.

#### **Notes**

##### **Bill Cravy**

* The Hamilton men’s basketball team were beaten 104-7, despite the opposing team playing the second half whilst suffering from food poisoning, leading to a nasty bout of on-court defecation. Mr. Cravy proudly announces that he is the cause of the food poisoning as he had added six-week old lasagne (Bill typically brings in big trays of food to throw at the referees if they make a bad call and had brought in a lasagne six weeks ago, and forgotten about it), along with powder and water, to the Gatorade machine in the opponents' locker room. As the lasagne was so old, a couple of sips at half-time was enough to cause the whole team to fall ill.
* Bill started a believable rumour that all referees are members of ISIS.
* We learn that Bill's daughter dresses like Adolf Hitler for Halloween every year, although she tells her father that she's supposed to be Charlie Chaplain. Prior to Bill taking away her computer privileges, she would spend a lot of time on rotten.com (not to be confused with the movie review site rottentomatoes.com).

##### **Howard Levi's**

* We learn that Howard is from "blue jean royalty" a member of both the wealthy Levi's family and the wealthy Guess family (owners of the popular apparel brands of the same name) though he prefers to pronounce his name "Levis" because he doesn't want to coast on his family name and refuses to accept his portion of the families' fortunes, choosing to live frugally instead. In an attempt to appear poor, Sam moved into a 'micro-micro-house', filled with three bedrooms worth of personal items, which was featured on the only crossover episode of ‘Tiny Houses’ and ‘Hoarders’ (in the same episode, without even getting on it, Howard was 'nexted' by someone passing in the ‘Next’ bus).
* Howard drives through Hamilton in an extremely smokey tractor which Todd thinks shows Howard is "falsely humble" as, in addition to his house being so tiny you have to notice it, he is purposefully going out of his way to show that he's poor.
* Mr. Levi's reveals that he thinks Bill the shop teacher, who uses a wheelchair, shouldn't be entitled to a special parking space as "He's got wheels that can get him where he wants to go [so] it's easier" for him to get around. In a show of defiance, Howard has taken the sign that says 'Bill's spot' and moved it to the very back of the parking lot as "He should have to go further and harder" because he's in a wheelchair. Mr. Levi's took Bill's wheelchair ramp, replaced it with stairs so he could give his legs a workout in school, and moved the ramp to his backyard so he could skateboard on it. To add further insult to injury, at the recent men's basketball match, during half-time when Todd was being roasted by his ex-wife's handsome new boyfriend (see below), Howard walked over to Bill, flipped him out of his wheelchair and used it to do an olly in front of the crowd.
* Howard purchased all of the Avril Lavigne posters from Miss Splooge as he is "attracted to her hobbies".

##### **Todd Padre**

* In the belief that they were going to members of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIS), Todd has been sending 'roast emails' to isis@aol.com (Sam notes that this is a foolish exercise as ISIS are much more likely to be using Gmail). Todd had been receiving replies from an Isabelle Smith, which Bill remembers is the name of a pharmacist who works at the Rite Aid in Hamilton. On discovering this information, Todd hopes that "she's not Muslim 'cause I said some things...".
* Mr. Padre reveals that when he is not able to get his hands on some paint (which he is addicted to), he uses blood thinners, in particular Tylenol, as a substitute. He needs his blood to be "wafer-thin" and doesn't find over-the-counter medication satisfactory, preferring the stronger, pharmacy-grade alternative (unfortunately this has led to his expulsion from several pharmacies around Hamilton). Todd's blood is so thin that when he stubbed his toe it bled for six hours and was "shooting out" watery blood. This was partly due to the fact Todd had been on a blood thinner-bender the night before, as he needed to blow off steam due to the poor situations of both his home life and the development of his one-man show.
* Despite the play being a source of trauma in his life, Bill suggests that this could actually be positive as it is "great fodder" for the show. Todd says he "feels like Heath Ledger" as he's "really getting in to character for the show". Mr. Levi's points out that this shouldn't be necessary as the character he is portraying is himself. "At this point I don't know if it's life imitating art or art imitating life" says Todd.
* The theatre students are acting in it as members of an applauding audience but Todd is unquestionably the star. In a disastrous scheduling mishap, Todd's play is due to take place on the same night as the school prom and Todd is running a vociferous campaign to prevent students from attending prom so they will come to his play instead. Todd had the prom moved to the Westin Hotel on the other side of town so students would have to pass by the Crest Whitestrips, formerly the Cold Gate (not Colegate), auditorium on their way to prom in the hope they would stop in on their way there.
* Todd attended the school's recent basketball game where he saw his ex-wife with her new boyfriend, "a big, strong guy" who "could be the This Is Gay mascot" and who Todd wishes *was* gay. Leslie was engaging in an aggressive public display of affection, perhaps rather inappropriate for a high school basketball match, with the topless young man who was the centre for the opposition basketball team, the same team who had succombed to food poisoning from Mr. Cravy's bag-lasagne/Gatorade mix.
* I    n addition to making out with his ex-wife, Leslie's new boyfriend added insult to injury by perfoming a devastating half-time roast on Todd in front of the whole crowd. "I thought I was watching Don Rickles again" says Mr. Cravy. The roast was so well received, that Todd's ex-wife's new boyfriend has been booked by Comedy Central to roast Todd again at the Crest Whitestrips auditorium. Todd has agreed to turn up if they can also get ISIS on the deus. Jeff Rossis unable to make it as he is roasting some 9/11 first-responders.
* Mr. Padre confronted his ex-wife's boyfriend and things got physical with Todd getting beaten up very badly. Despite this, as he insitigated the fight, he was led away from the game in handcuffs. Todd was publicly humiliated and missed a tech rehearsal the following morning as a result, feeling immenese shame for letting his 32 students down as they had "nothing to applaud".
* Todd has placed a picture of his ex-wife on the dartboard in the Teacher's Lounge, which he throws flaming darts at.
* Todd has revealed that as soon as he gets a heavy round of applause in his shows, he will immediately "come out for bows and call it a day". In fact, Bill saw one of Todd's plays two years ago which lasted a total of 15 seconds after Mr. Padre had entered the stage "à la Kramer".
* Todd holds the record for 'Worst Play Ever' and has attempted to contact Guinness World Records to get the record changed to 'Best Play' using the email address 'gbook@aol.com', but has accidentally been emailing Garth Brooks instead, occasionally getting a response from 'cgaines@aol.com'.
* Mr. Padre also holds the record for 'Hottest Play' for his Hurricane Katrina based play in which he utilized sauna rocks and hot air to simulate the heat of Katrina. This play resulted in the audience rioting out of confusion over Todd's performance as Donald Rumsfeld doing Billy Crystal's Jazz Man character; a riot which itself holds the record for 'Slowest Massacre', with the actor portraying Karl Rove being murdered as a result (a fact his understudy was delighted about).
* Todd's play is currently titled 'Untitled: A One Man Show'.

##### **Sam Weatherman**

* Mr. Weatherman will be offering his limousine service for prom night, despite the fact it is still illegal for him to drive. Mr. Cravy thinks that this a golden opportunity for Mr. Weatherman as, by safely delivering a number of students to the prom, the sheriff will have no option but to reinstate his driving licence.
* Mr. Weatherman has a gym membership which he is “paying through the nose for” but struggles to ever actually feel the benefit of. Sam got what’s known as ‘the bad deal’ from the gym; this is a membership which is extremely expensive but, if adhered to, will get you in the best shape of your life.
* Mr. Weatherman crashed his car in to the pole at the gym, then walked in and said “I need help”. He was badly hurt but the receptionist refused to call an ambulance until he had signed up for gym membership (this is not the first time someone has refused to call an ambulance for Sam). The bad deal is $200 per month (Bill goes to the same gym and pays $34 a month as he got the ‘good deal’) and you get full access and help with anything you ask for; however, this is predicated on the fact that they don’t expect members to ever come to the gym. Mr. Weatherman is signed up for a contact that runs for four years and compounds interest monthly; by the end of next year the contract will be $450 per month. As part of the deal, he is also forced to use the worst machines available, typically just an old, grounded exercise bike. He is also forced to eat quesadillas whilst working out and, in fact, has put on 5lbs.

##### **Harriet Splooge**

* Harriet changed her name upon marrying Eddie Cum, her boyfriend of five years. However, after they annulled their marriage one month later, instead of going back to her maiden name of Johnson, she chose to go by the name Splooge. Harriet claims that Eddie literally, figuratively, metaphorically, emotionally, and mentally screwed her over a fence (specifically a barbed wire fence by the side of a cow pasture).
* Miss Splooge is a major advocate of reading and laments the fact that students only come into the library for the internet or making out as well as the fact that the school's book fair was unsuccessful (apart from the fact that Howard Levi's bought all the Avril Lavigne posters). Because of this, Miss Splooge has implemented several schemes to attempt to get students interested in reading.
* One such scheme was an attempt to make books sexy by taking several pictures of her nude body next to books. The website she created to showcase her photos, booktease.biz, did become popular, though unfortunately not with the Hamilton student body, and was forced by the principal to take the site down. However, booktease.angelfire (a site with essentially the same content only slower to load and harder to view on a phone) is still online. As punishment for the site, Harriet received a week of detention and was forced to clean the city's entire fleet of buses with her toothbrush while they were in motion. Many of the buses' drivers and passengers recognized Miss Splooge from her website.
* In another attempt to get kids to read, she would write one line of poetry a day and post it outside the library. When this didn't work, she would scream the line of poetry down the hallway during class.
* Miss Splooge once tried to coax students into the library with a hot corn stand. However, the stand exploded burning down the entire nonfiction section of the library. This incident was her "second strike" and, if called into the principal's office once more, she will receive corporal punishment and be expelled.
* Miss Splooge has water bugs in her house. She fills her bathtub when taking a shower to make it feel as though she's in a waterfall. She has also admitted to urinating multiple times while submerged in her bathtub, as well as occasionally defecating.

##### **General**

* Todd and Sam both spent the night on the pull-out couch in the Teacher’s Lounge. Sam had intended to sleep alone but Todd showed up and Mr. Weatherman couldn’t resist the prospect of a little bit of extra warmth in bed. In a somewhat unconventional sleeping style, both teachers rolled in to the middle and were sandwiched by the futon when it folded up and closed in on them, remarkably with the cushions still in place. Sam remarks that “It started out being scary but ended up being a fun little thing. We called it a 'Todd Taco'". Todd was wrapped around Sam like a soft flour tortilla and Mr. Weatherman was inside like meat, sour cream and lettuce.
* Mr. Agapion, the World History Teacher, has invited all students to the Greek Salad festival at the weekend. Students who wish to attend should drop off a jar of olives with their name on it at his office. The olives will be donated to poor Greek families around Hamilton (Grexit has caused a massive price hike in olives, hitting poor Mediterranean families hard).
* The results are in for the ballot to change the school mascot and the write-in winner, with 604 votes, is ‘This Is Gay’. Todd is enraged by the result and believes that “It’s beginning offensive and can only get worse”. Mr. Weatherman isn’t happy about the result, but is pleased about the level of engagement shown by the students which has led to this surprise victory. Todd decides to flip the result on its head and use the result to depict a gay character as an aspirational figure who is a “buff, cool guy” with a tattoo and a bleach-tipped fauxhawk.
* When it's someone's birthday at school, in place of the more traditional birthday song, the teachers will instead sing 'Birthday Song' by 2 Chainz, despite having to pay royalties every time they sing it. Mr. Cravy questions the appropriateness of singing a song that includes the line "All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho" but, as Mr. Weatherman points out, the students seem to love it, as does Mr. Padre who is prone to slapping female teachers' butts when it plays. When it's put to him that this isn't appropriate behaviour for a teacher, Mr. Padre defends himself by explaining that "If we sing YMCA, you do the YMCA. If we sing 'Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands', you clap your hands. But if you sing "Big Booty Ho", you can't find a big booty ho and slap her butt?! I guess I'm just a little confused on what the etiquette is to which songs we act out and which we don't". When Mr. Levi's suggests the problem is to do with objectification, Mr. Padre claims that this is incorrect as he'll "objectify a man if he's a big booty ho, too".
* We learn that faculty punishment policies are exactly the same as student punishment policies at Hamilton High School, with corporal punishment being open to anyone. Last year when Mr. Levi's was caught parking in Bill the shopkeeper's handicapped parking spot for three weeks, he was made to write 'Mr. Levi's will not park in a space that does not belong to him' one thousand times on a blackboard.
* Following on from last episode's announcement regarding prom tickets, four thousand students stormed Miss Holloway's classroom and she ended up with two broken ankles. All the teachers, with the exception of Todd whose play is due to take place at the same time, will be chaperoning the prom.
* This week will see the students vote on the theme of this year's prom and, although there will be the opportunity for a write-in vote, the teachers encourage students to pick from the four suggested themes: *Under The Sea, Disney, Ariel and Thanksgiving*.

#### **Characters Mentioned**

* Bill Cravy's Daughter
* Bill Nuvaring
* Eddie Cum
* Isabelle Smith
* Leslie Padre
* Leslie Padre's Boyfriend
* Milton Levi's
* Miss Holloway
* Mr. Agapeian
* The Principal
* Sandra Levi's
* This Is Gay

#### **Quotes**

*“I know from experience that gay looks like a lot of different things. […] We all know what a falcon looks like, or a tiger, or a Spartan. No-one knows what gay looks like. It could be anything.”* - Todd Padre

*“Getting screwed over a fence is just the worst.”* - Sam Weatherman

*“If all of ISIS wore black and white striped shirts it would make sense to me.”* - Bill Cravy

*“And it’d be much easier to catch them.”* - Sam Weatherman

*“And also much easier to insult them.”* - Todd Padre

*“Hey Zebra! Stop blowing up our buildings!”* - Sam Weatherman

*“The war against ISIS is a war of words. You can fight battles all day long with your guns, germs and steel but what I need is words.”*- Todd Padre

*"Students, if you want to see a woman who wades in her own filth all day, stop by the library any time during school hours."* - Todd Padre

*"If you want to see the worst play of 2016 go to Broadway and check out 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time'. There was not one dog in that play. It was poorly advertised, poorly acted and I was barking from the audience to let them know."* - Todd Padre

*"When you don't know how to write, sometimes you accidentally write down swastikas, OK?"*- Bill Cravy

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