Ep. 01: Where The Hell Are You?!

**Where The Hell Are You?!** is the first episode of Brimstone Valley Mall.

## Episode Description

Trainee shows up for her first day of work at Weiner World, but to Misroch’s dismay, Hornblas does not. Tempers flare in the back room when Belzagor comes to visit, but these two demons will soon have bigger fingers to fry.

## Transcript

**A PRODUCT OF THE WHISPERFORGE, SOUND AND STORY BROUGHT TO LIFE**

**KRISTEN DIMERCURIO:** Kristen here! I’m the writer and director of Brimstone Valley Mall! Before we get started, I want to talk for a second about Audio Fiction 101, an online course that will teach you everything you need to consider when making a fiction podcast. When I first had the idea for this show, I knew two things. One, that I really wanted to write it, and two, that I had no idea how to do that. Audio Fiction 101 was a lifesaver. It covers every aspect of creating audio-based fiction stories from world building to writing for sound effects. It’s over 30-hours of content from the team that produced Wolf 359 and Zero Hours, so you know it’s good.

Needs-based scholarships are available to qualifying applicants, and right now, all BVM listeners can get a $15 discount on the course by using the code BRIMSTONE. I can’t recommend this course enough. It’s fun, thorough, made by folks who really know their stuff. Again, use the code BRIMSTONE for $15 off.

Now, on to episode one of Brimstone Valley Mall.

[[SFX: Whirr of an old Answering Machine. BEEP]]

**HORNBLAS:** Hey, this is Hornblas, lead singer of Mall Rat. Misroch, Asmoraias, Belzagor and I aren’t home, so leave us a message.

[[MUSIC: A Rockin’ 90’s bass line begins underneath Hornblas’ message.]]

**HORNBLAS:** None of us are demons by the way. Definitely not from Hell. Okay. Cool. You know what to do.

[[MUSIC: Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song. Rock guitar and drums join the bass.]]

**-- Scene 01 --**

**[**[SFX: answering machine beeps]]

**VOICEMAIL:** You have ONE new message. Received Tuesday, December 21st, 1999 at 9:52 AM.

**MISROCH:** *[demon voice, on machine]* Hornblas! Where the Hell are you? You were supposed to be here, in the food court, in uniform and ready to work, 37 and a half minutes ago! [exasperated] You’re not the only idiot I’m training today, you know. And at least the other one has a good excuse: she’s a human teenager. Wait... How old does that make her? Satan, I hope she can form full sentences. I honestly have no idea how long it takes for a human to come to maturity. Whatever. You can both be immature together, I’m sure you’ll get along great. So. Get out of bed. Change into humanskin. Stop listening to Radioshed for the 18th hour in a row or whatever the fuck you’re doing and PICK. UP. THE. PHONE. I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR THE ANSWERING MACHINE FROM YOUR ROOM! HORNBLAS! Ugh. [sighs] Look man, I’m doing you a favor here and-

[[SFX: a knock on the door, on Misroch’s end]]

**TRAINEE:** *[behind the door]* Hello?

**MISROCH:** Shit. Hornblas, if you don’t get your ass in this shopping mall in the next 10 minutes so help me Lucifer I will shove that fender of yours into places you didn’t know you had.

[[SFX: Misroch slams the receiver down, hanging up the phone]]

**-- Scene 02 --**

[[SFX: back room of Wiener World; the knocking continues. The TRAINEE speaks with a quintessential “90’s Valley Girl” accent.]]

**MISROCH:** What do you want?

**TRAINEE:** *[through the door]* Hi. I’m here for my first… Shit.

**MISROCH:** Your WHAT?

**TRAINEE:** Shift! My first shift! Sorry. Also, like. I have a question?

**MISROCH:** Can it wait?

**TRAINEE:** I like don’t think so. Um, are you like okay? You sound... weird.

**MISROCH:** Damn. I’m fine! Just uh. Gotta clear my throat...

[[SFX: MISROCH shifts into their human form. It sounds like a stretching yawn that breaks several bones. MISROCH sighs, satisfied with the transformation. MISROCH opens the door.]]

**MISROCH:** *[human voice]* Hi. Yes. It’s me. Your boss. Misroch. I have one soul. Not two. What do you want?

**TRAINEE:** What... just happened in there?

**MISROCH:** Is that your question?

**TRAINEE:** Oh um. No.

**MISROCH:** Then what do you want?

**TRAINEE:** Um... I think there’s like, something wrong with one of the fryers? I was walking past it and. There’s um… *[nervous chuckle]* There’s...

**MISROCH:** Yes?

**TRAINEE:** Uhh...

**MISROCH:** Spit it out!

**TRAINEE:** *[blurting]* There’s a human hand in the fryer.

[pause]

**MISROCH:** Why were you looking in the fryer?!

**TRAINEE:** It was just like floating in there, I didn’t really–

**MISROCH:** It’s for the corn dawgs!

**TRAINEE:** Is that like, legal or whatever?

**MISROCH:** Never look in the fryer! You’re the cashier! I’m the chef. It's my job to look in the fryer. Not yours! In fact, it’s not your job to look in anything!

**TRAINEE:** Not even the cash drawer?

**MISROCH:** *[growling]* Don’t get smart with me, mortal.

**TRAINEE:** I’m not gonna like tattle on you or anything– Wait, what did you just call me?

**MISROCH:** Just go do your job.

**TRAINEE:** But aren’t you gonna like. Train me? On my first day or whatever?

**MISROCH:** JUST PRESS THE “ON” BUTTON ON THE CASH REGISTER THEN COUNT THE MONEY IN THE DRAWER! *[sighs]* Alright fine. I’ll try to explain this so your tiny human brain can understand. You have two tasks. One: Be a perfect cashier who makes zero mistakes, and Two: hand out free samples. Think you can handle that?

**TRAINEE:** I think that’s a lot-

**MISROCH:** Good. Now go! I have incredible food to prepare.

**TRAINEE:** Fine. Whatever.

**MISROCH:** Oh. And put this on.

[[SFX: MISROCH reaches into a box and pulls out a wiener hat. It squeaks.]]

**TRAINEE:** Like this is a joke right.

**MISROCH:** Do I look like I like jokes?

**TRAINEE:** I’m not wearing that.

**MISROCH:** You are if you want this job.

**TRAINEE:** Fine.

[[SFX: she takes the wiener hat, it squeaks]]

**MISROCH:** Now get out there, get smiling, and get us some customers!

[[MUSIC: Transition; rock guitar riffs.]]

**-- Scene 03 --**

[[SFX: the sounds of a busy food court: people chattering and laughing, moving from shop to shop, commerce, etc.]]

**ANNOUNCER:** *[over a loudspeaker]* Attention Brimstone Valley Mall shoppers! Christmas is just around the corner! Which means sales, sales, sales! Get the most fabulous fashions that 1999 has to offer for the whole family! Now happening at Filene’s Crawl Space, Kids-R-We, and Limited 2 And A Half! Thank you for shopping at Brimstone Valley Mall!

[[SFX: Food court. People walking past and not taking a free sample. Each of TRAINEE’S offers is met with “Umm, No?” /“Ew?” /“Not From You”/”As IF”, etc. coming from various voices in the crowd.]]

**TRAINEE:** Welcome to Weiner World. Would you like a free sample? ... No? Okay. That’s like fine... How about you, free weiner sample?... Whatever. Sweet jelly sandals, by the way... WOW. Okay I don’t know what that hand gesture means but I’m pretty sure it was rude!

**MEAN TEEN:** Nice Weiner Hat! Or should I say, dick head!!!

[[SFX: Wiener hat squeak.]]

**TRAINEE:** *[sarcastically]* Ha. Ha. Ha. How original. Also do you want a free sample?

**MEAN TEEN:** Not from you- DICK HEAD.

[[SFX: MEAN TEEN walks away laughing. MISROCH enters from the kitchen. The door squeaks.]]

**MISROCH:** Trainee, where are our customers?

**TRAINEE:** We don’t have any.

**MISROCH:** Why?? It is almost 12:14pm! This should be prime lunch rush!

**TRAINEE:** No one's like, taking a sample.

**MISROCH:** Then you must be doing it wrong.

**TRAINEE:** How can you give out samples wrong?

**MISROCH:** These peons wouldn’t know fine cuisine if it hit them in the face! Here. Let me show you how it’s done. HEY. HEY YOU.

[[SFX: MISROCH grabs PATRON as they were walking past]]

**MISROCH:** WELCOME TO WEINER WORLD. HAVE A FREE SAMPLE.

[[SFX: MISROCH grabs the PATRON. Rustling Fabric. Shoves a free sample into a PATRON’s mouth]]

**PATRON:** *[choking]*

**MISROCH:** There. See? Exquisite. And that, Trainee, is how you give out a free sample. Now as soon as this guy stops choking you take his order, got it?

**TRAINEE:** Fine.

**PATRON:** *[disapproving choke sound]*

**MISROCH:** If you need me, don’t.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR walks up to the counter]]

**MISROCH:** Oh, well look who’s here. Belzagor.

**BELZAGOR:** Hey. Sup?

[[SFX: BELZAGOR slurps her slushie]]

**MISROCH:** Have you seen Hornblas today? I need to murder him.

**BELZAGOR:** No. And how about you don’t murder him? Cause he’s my favorite and everyone loves him.

**MISROCH:** I don’t.

**BELZAGOR:** You’re allowed to be wrong.

[[SFX: PATRON chokes more. coughing]]

**BELZAGOR:** Ha. That guy got a free sample, didn’t he?

**TRAINEE:** Um... Hi.

**BELZAGOR:** Hey. [[SFX: slushie slurp]]

**TRAINEE:** You... Your face.. Has so much...

**BELZAGOR:** Metal.

**TRAINEE:** That’s so…

**BELZAGOR:** Metal?

**TRAINEE:** Yeah.

**BELZAGOR:** I know. Pierced it myself. [[SFX: slurrrp]]

**TRAINEE:** You look... so awesome.

**MISROCH:** Trainee! Stop staring at her.

**BELZAGOR:** Honestly? I’m used to it. You’re new right??

**TRAINEE:** It’s my first day.

**MISROCH:** Yeah. And she’s nosy. Poking around the kitchen, getting crazy ideas in her head. [feigning shock, gasp] She thinks - and this is absolutely ridiculous - She thinks there was a human hand in the fryer!

**BELZAGOR:** *[deadpan]* There’s always human hands in the fryer. For the corndawg right? [[SFX: slurps]]

**MISROCH:** *[through clenched teeth]* Belz. Stop kidding around. It was just the... Pork... Meat.

**BELZAGOR:** Pork meat.

**MISROCH:** Yes.

**BELZAGOR:** How stupid do you think she is?

**MISROCH:** Very stupid.

**TRAINEE:** I can hear you.

**BELZAGOR:** Do you even know what animal pork comes from?

**MISROCH:** Of course I do, and I don’t have to prove it to you or anyone else.

**BELZAGOR:** Whatever. What happened to the last guy you tried to train? The dead one?

**TRAINEE:** The what?

**MISROCH:** *[to TRAINEE]* Oh, he looked under the counter. Which you won’t do. *[to BELZAGOR]* Anyways, this is Trainee now.

**TRAINEE:** Hi, I’m Re-

**MISROCH:** Trainee.

**TRAINEE:** I have a name.

**MISROCH:** And I have no feelings about that. Belz is a VIP. We don’t charge her. When you ring her up, you swipe this card and the price of her meal will come out of your paycheck. Got it? Great.

**TRAINEE:** Wait what-?

**MISROCH:** So, what’ll it be today?

**BELZAGOR:** Meh, Nothing [[SFX: slurp]]

**TRAINEE:** Can we go back to the part about the dead employee?

**MISROCH:** No. Belzagor, I see you purchased a slushie from not here.

**BELZAGOR:** Yeah. You don’t sell slushies.

**MISROCH:** Psht. You know I could figure out how to make you a slushie.

**BELZAGOR:** Out of what? The Five Finger Corn dawg? No thanks. I do want talk to you and Hornblas about the set list, though. I think Asmoraius wants to have the band meet up tomorrow and go over–

**TRAINEE:** You’re in a band??!

**BELZAGOR:** Yeah. We're called Mall Rat.

**TRAINEE:** *[enthusiastic]* AMAZING.

**MISROCH:** Hey. I’m in the band too.

**TRAINEE:** That’s less cool somehow.

**BELZAGOR:** Oh, and I also want to get a picture of Hornblas on his first day of work. Where is he? You made him wear the uniform, right? Satan, this gonna be too good. I brought a camera from GadgetHut.

**TRAINEE:** What is a Hornblas?

**MISROCH:** You need to talk less and do your job more.

**TRAINEE:** You still haven’t told me exactly how to like, do that yet.

[[SFX: Tamagachi beeps in TRAINEE’s pocket]]

**TRAINEE:** Oh. Oops!

**MISROCH:** What was that sound in your pocket?

**TRAINEE:** My Tamagachi.

**MISROCH:** Your what?

**TRAINEE:** Hang on I just have to feed it.

[[SFX: TRAINEE pulls the Tamagotchi out of her pocket and starts pressing buttons]]

**BELZAGOR:** Woah wait. Can I see that?

**TRAINEE:** Hang on, I have to clean up its poop first.

**MISROCH:** Not in my restaurant you won’t!

**BELZAGOR:** Misroch, chillaaaax. It’s a toy. I’ve seen these before. It’s like a virtual pet, right?

**TRAINEE:** It’s so addicting.

**MISROCH:** Addictive.

**TRAINEE:** Sure whatever. You like, hatch an egg and watch this little guy grow and you take care of him and stuff.

**BELZAGOR:** Fascinating. And humans- er, people... like this?

**TRAINEE:** Oh yeah, all my friends have them. Well. They would if I like, had friends.

**BELZAGOR:** Let me take a look at it.

**TRAINEE:** Just like. Be careful with her.

[[SFX: TRAINEE hands over the tamagachi, BELZAGOR starts pressing buttons]]

**MISROCH:** You cannot have toys at work.

**TRAINEE:** She’ll die if I leave her alone for too long! Woah, but what if she turns into like a little cute ghost? That would be siiiiick.

**BELZAGOR:** Such a simple interface, but it must appeal to humans’ natural urge to nurture.

**TRAINEE:** Kind of-

**BELZAGOR:** Which is really just a thinly masked psychological response to the inherent chaos of self awareness in a world where you have no purpose or meaning. So this little egg must satisfy your primal need to govern every aspect about the way another living thing experiences the world in order to fool yourself into a false sense of control over your own existence?

**TRAINEE:** Uhh.

**BELZAGOR:** *[a dawning realization]* This gives me an idea.

**MISROCH:** Okay that’s it, you’re both being weird and I’m taking the toy. Belzagor, you’re distracting Trainee from doing her job- Wait. Where did our customer go?

**BELZAGOR:** The choking guy? He crawled over to the next counter.

**MISROCH:** What?! NO!!

**BELZAGOR:** Wow. Look at him go. Crawls pretty fast for a creature with only four limbs. [[SFX: slurrrp]]

**MISROCH:** *[exhales slowly. Then to TRAINEE]* Trainee! This is all your fault.

**TRAINEE:** My fault? You’re the one who like shoved a sample down his throat!

**MISROCH:** Listen here, you little fucking mortal.

**TRAINEE:** Why do you keep calling me a morta-

**MISROCH:** Mortal...ly ... incapable... person. Whatever. Look. If you wanna last as an esteemed employee of Wiener World, serving up the finest dawgs, Patties and Fries—NO BUNS—this side of the Earth’s Crust, then you must follow our one golden rule.

[[SFX: picks up sticky note pad, writes on it as they talk]]

**MISROCH:** Which is impossible to forget. Because I’m writing it down on this. Sticky note. And I’ll stick it right here where you can’t lose it.

[[SFX: smacks it onto TRAINEE’s forehead]]

**MISROCH:** On your forehead. Go ahead and read that out loud.

**TRAINEE:** Uggh. This is demeaning.

[[SFX: peels the sticky note off forehead]]

**TRAINEE:** “We do not lose customers to Sausage Depot.” With... Ooo, 4 exclamation points and 3 underlines.

**MISROCH:** Oh good. You can read and count.

**TRAINEE:** Duh. It was on my résumé.

**MISROCH:** Alright, now why don’t you lean over the counter with me and look to your left?

**TRAINEE:** This is stupid.

**MISROCH:** Do it!

**TRAINEE:** Fine.

[[SFX: grunting sound. TRAINEE leans over the counter]]

**TRAINEE:** Oh. That's sausage depot. Wow. Look at that line.

**MISROCH:** Sausage Depot is our fiercest competition and we will not be the second best Weiner counter in this food court. GOT IT?

**TRAINEE:** But like, their line is longer, so aren’t they already the best-

**MISROCH:** YOU SHUT YOUR DIRTY HUMAN MOUTH. Those idiot customers just don’t know elevated cuisine!! They don’t realize what they’re missing. And it is your job, to fix that, by giving out free samples! CORRECTLY! Do you understand??

**TRAINEE:** Yeah okay! Jeez.

**BELZAGOR:** *[slurps]* Are you done?

**MISROCH:** I was having a teaching moment.

**BELZAGOR:** How maternal.

**MISROCH:** *[spongebob imitation voice]* h0w MaTeRnAl.

**BELZAGOR:** Yeesh. Someone’s got their tail in a twist this morning.

**MISROCH:** Yeah! As a matter of fact I do. Because Hornblas didn’t show up for his shift so I’ve been dealing with nothing but incompetence and slow business for the past two hours!

**BELZAGOR:** You sure he was supposed to start today? Maybe it was mixup.

**TRAINEE:** Hornblas is like, the weirdest name I've ever heard.

**MISROCH:** *[sighs]* Belzagor. Why don’t we step into my office? I’d rather not discuss personnel in front of Trainee.

**TRAINEE:** My name is Re-

**BELZAGOR:** Hey, Misroch. Don’t be rude. She has a name you know. Go ahead, kid.

**TRAINEE:** My name is Re-

**PATRON:** *[hoarse]* ExCUSE me.

**MISROCH:** Can I help you?

**PATRON:** *[angrily]* You! You nearly killed me with that free sample!

**MISROCH:** Nearly. Such a shame.

**PATRON:** I demand to speak to the manager!

**MISROCH:** You’re in luck. I am the manager! And I’m so sorry to hear you had a poor experience with us. Here. To make it up to you, why don’t you have a free sample?

[[SFX: MISROCH grabs the PATRON again and shoves a free sample gleefully down PATRON’s throat]]

**PATRON:** *[choking]* Not again!

**MISROCH:** Anyways, Belz, let’s you and I go have a little chat in the break room.

**PATRON:** *[coughing and hacking throughout]* Water! Waaater. I need WATER!

**MISROCH:** Sorry! Water is for paying customers only. Step over here to the register and you can place your order with this human in the weiner hat. Belzagor, let’s go.

[[SFX: MISROCH and BELZAGOR exit through the kitchen door]]

**TRAINEE:** Um... Hi. So... I think water is like $3... But I don’t really know how to work the machine yet...

**PATRON:** *[choking]* Oh come ON!

**-- Scene 04 --**

**[**[SFX: in the tiny, quiet break room in the back of weiner world]]

**BELZAGOR:** *[rustling around]* Damn, I don’t even fit in here.

**MISROCH:** It’s not my fault your humanskin is so freakishly tall.

**BELZAGOR:** You call this an office?

[[SFX: BELZAGOR rustles around more, elbows MISROCH by accident]]

**MISROCH:** Ouch! Watch it.

**BELZAGOR:** I can’t even turn around in here. Can’t we just go back out into the kitchen?

**MISROCH:** No! Those walls are too thin. You want the trainee to find out we’re demons?

**BELZAGOR:** Fine whatever. So where’s Hornblas?

**MISROCH:** I don’t know. He just bailed on me.

**BELZAGOR:** Huh. He has been all bummed out ever since he got fired from Hot Topic last week.

**MISROCH:** Wait. He got fired? I thought he just quit.

**BELZAGOR:** Who would quit a job at Hot Topic? It’s the best place on Earth.

**MISROCH:** Well I don't care how "bummed out" he is. A no show for his first day of work? That's flaky. Even for him. For any demon! And that’s saying something because I know Eximaximus, demon of horrifying skin conditions.

**BELZAGOR:** Yo. Eximaximus is a chill dude and you’re being super harsh right now. *[shifting uncomfortably - the sound of furniture scraping against linolium]* Can I move this cabinet? There’s nowhere to put my... anything.

**MISROCH:** I’m not being harsh. I’m just saying what no one else wants to say! That Hornblas has had it easy his entire existence because he has one stupid “special ability.” And everyone always gives him a free fucking pass for it. But I won't!

**BELZAGOR:** *[deadpan]* Okay. First of all: someone sounds jealous.

**MISROCH:** *[yelling]* I am not jealous!

**BELZAGOR:** And second of all: people don’t like him for his summoning ability, Misnis. People like him because he’s talented and fun to be around. You should try it sometime.

**MISROCH:** He’s unreliable.

**BELZAGOR:** No he’s not!

**MISROCH:** He canceled band practice last week because BlockBlaster didn’t have the movie he wanted and it made him “too sad to play music.”

**BELZAGOR:** That was legit! “4 Things I Hate About You” is supposed to be really good. Short, but good.

**MISROCH:** And what about the week before when his hot pocket was cold in the middle so he didn’t talk to anyone for two days.

**BELZAGOR:** Okay, then how about the time he convinced the manager at Keytars and More that you were the unknown drummer for Metallica before they were famous? So now we can practice there for free?

**MISROCH:** I don’t know why you’re defending him!

**BELZAGOR:** Because he’s a good friend and you’re attacking him for no reason!

**MISROCH:** I’m attacking him because he bailed today like a lazyass.

**BELZAGOR:** You don't know that! It was probably a mistake. And what, you're the poster child for work ethic now?

**MISROCH:** Yes! I work harder than anyone in all of south central Pennsylvania!

**BELZAGOR:** HA! Okay, If that’s true, then how many sin coins have you earned this quarter?

**MISROCH:** None, Belzagor! What kind of question is that? You think I want to go back to Hell?

**BELZAGOR:** *[mocking]* I thought you were the hardest working demon in all of south central pennsylvania?

**MISROCH:** I am! But not by earning stupid sincoins. I’ve been running this food counter by myself.

**BELZAGOR:** Fine, then how many weiners have you sold today?

**MISROCH:** ... SOME! ... like a non-zero... amount– Hey I don’t see why you’re getting on my case. I’m being extremely generous! Hornblas loses his job and who steps in to save his ass? Oh yeah. ME. Despite how incredibly busy I am all the time, I still look out for all of you–

**BELZAGOR:** Then maybe you should earn some sincoins and go back to Hell! Then you don’t have to deal with all of us! Your freeloading band who apparently needs to be looked after all the time!

[[SFX: a fire alarm starts beeping in the background on the other side of the door, it gets progressively louder as the argument gets more heated]]

**MISROCH:** I am not going back down to Hell!! And also, rewind. I don’t like your implication that my success as a chef is about how many weiners I sell. It’s about Quality. I am following my passion and–

**BELZAGOR:** Cooking humans is your passion?!

**MISROCH:** Yes! Just like building stupid gadgets is your–

**BELZAGOR:** My inventions are not stupid–

**MISROCH:** I am using my Devil-Given talents to make something of myself! I spent eons honing my culinary skills down in Hell’s Kitchen and now I’m–

**BELZAGOR:** Misroch. You. were just. a line cook!

**MISROCH:** I prepared food that satisfied the appetites of the Legions of the Damned, of the Prince of Darkness, himself!

**BELZAGOR:** Satan only ever wanted plain buttered noodles, and you know it!

**MISROCH:** How DARE you?

[[SFX: very loud, urgent knock on the door]]

**MISROCH & BELZAGOR:** WHAT??!

**TRAINEE:** *[yelling through the door]* The fryer’s on fire!!

**MISROCH:** FUCKING HELL.

[[SFX: They slam open the staff room door. Sprinklers going off, fire bells ringing, people panicking, general chaos]]

**MISROCH:** *[coughing in the smoke]* Trainee!!

**TRAINEE:** *[yelling over the chaos]* I’m here! I’m here! I’m okay!

**MISROCH:** Who cares if you’re okay? Why weren’t you watching the corndogs?!

**TRAINEE:** You told me, like, not to look in the fryer!

**MISROCH:** Oh for the love of Lucifer. You’re lucky I don’t turn YOU into a corndog!

**TRAINEE:** I KNEW IT WAS A HUMAN HAND.

**BELZAGOR:** I told you she wasn’t that stupid!!

**MISROCH:** BELZAGOR, GET OUT OF HERE.

**BELZAGOR:** Fine! I’m leaving! Oh! And for the record? The minidawgs? They’re FLAVORLESS.

**MISROCH:** GET. OUT. OF MY FINE. DINING. ESTABLISHMENT.

[[SFX: the weiner hat squeaks]]

**TRAINEE:** Ahh!! My weiner hat! It’s on fire!!

[[SFX: More wiener hat squeaks as TRAINEE tries to put the fire out by hitting it; firemen approach]]

**FIREMAN:** *[over a megaphone]* Everyone remain calm! We’re coming in! Turn on the hose.

**MISROCH:** No wait!!!

[[SFX: a firehose blasts through Wiener World.]]

[[MUSIC: Transition - Rock guitar and drums.]]

**-- Scene 05 --**

**ANNOUNCER:** *[over loudspeaker]* Attention Brimstone Valley Mall shoppers! The mall is now closed! Thank you for spending the day with us! Come on back tomorrow! Until then, get the hell out of–

[[SFX: a metal door shuts. We’re now outside in the employee parking lot. It’s quiet. Train sounds in the distance.]]

**MISROCH:** Oh... It’s you.

**BELZAGOR:** Yep.

[[SFX: she takes a drag of her cigarette]]

**MISROCH:** I thought you might be here.

**BELZAGOR:** It’s the employee parking lot, I’m an employee.

**MISROCH:** Yeah.

[pause]

**MISROCH:** So.... It’s... pretty quiet.

**BELZAGOR:** Usually.

**MISROCH:** ...And cold.

**BELZAGOR:** Yeah. It’s winter.

[pause, then simultaneously:]

**BELZAGOR:** Do you need something?– / **MISROCH:** Okay so about before–

**BELZAGOR:** *[sighs]* Did they put the fire out?

**MISROCH:** Eventually. Not sure if Trainee will come back tomorrow, so I might be down two employees.

**BELZAGOR:** Hm.

**MISROCH:** Hey. C’mon. Can I kick it?

**BELZAGOR:** *[Sigh]* Yes, you can.

[[SFX: MISROCH sits down next to BELZAGOR]]

**MISROCH:** You got another cig?

**BELZAGOR:** I only have Old Ports.

**MISROCH:** Fine, as long as it burns.

[[SFX: MISROCH lights a cigarette]]

**MISROCH:** It’s fucking freezing out here. I think I’m gonna change.

**BELZAGOR:** Dude. We’re in public.

**MISROCH:** Relax, the mall’s closed. And this humanskin is freezing.

**BELZAGOR:** If someone sees you, Carpasinus is gonna be-

**MISROCH:** Oh, fuck Carpasinus. If that narc wants to get on one of my seven asses for unwinding in demonskin for a few minutes, he can go right ahead.

**BELZAGOR:** Whatever. It’s your funeral.

[[SFX: MISROCH’s morphs back into a demon.]]

**MISROCH:** *[demon voice]* Ooooh MAN that feels better.

**BELZAGOR:** If you say so.

**MISROCH:** You gonna switch out?

**BELZAGOR:** No.

**MISROCH:** Hey can I get another cig for my other mouth?

**BELZAGOR:** Yeah, but you’re a mooch.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR gives them another cigarette. Lights it.]]

**MISROCH:** So this afternoon. Things got a little...

**BELZAGOR:** ...heated?

**MISROCH:** ugh.

**BELZAGOR:** *[laughing]* You set that up.

**MISROCH:** Fine. Yeah. It’s just, the noodle thing was kinda below the belt.

**BELZAGOR:** You were being a tyrant, like always.

**MISROCH:** I was pissed that Hornblas bailed.

**BELZAGOR:** I don’t think he bailed. I think it was a mistake.

**MISROCH:** Well whatever you want to call it, he didn’t show up to man the fryer so I spent the whole afternoon hiding charred human remains from firefighters.

**BELZAGOR:** They find anything?

**MISROCH:** Not even a toe.

**BELZAGOR:** That’s lucky.

**MISROCH:** It’s not luck. I’m just good at what I do. And humans are stupid. Delicious, but stupid.

**BELZAGOR:** They’re not that bad.

**MISROCH:** Don’t go all human-sympathizer on me right now Belzagor.

**BELZAGOR:** I’m not a human-sympathizer. I just... They’re just not as bad as you say.

**MISROCH:** Keep your voice down, you’re embarrassing me.

**BELZAGOR:** *[exasperated]* In front of who?? You’re literally in demonskin in public.

[pause]

**MISROCH:** You know, I bet Hornblas is just dicking around on his guitar back in his room.

**BELZAGOR:** He hasn’t been playing the past couple of days. He’s been in such a funk. Even going to Distort Tour didn’t cheer him up, and he loves music festivals.

**MISROCH:** Maybe he’s nervous about the Y2K concert. I mean. We are opening for his musical heroes. He’s been dying to just see The Reckoning play live, much less be on the same stage as them.

**BELZAGOR:** Yeah, he wore that Reckoning t-shirt for like 6 weeks straight. But I dunno. He’s never been nervous about a show before... Man, I really wanted a picture of him in that weiner hat.

**MISROCH:** Yeah well... *[yawns, stretches]* How did your day turn out?

**BELZAGOR:** After the fire? Pretty good actually.

**MISROCH:** You’re hilarious.

**BELZAGOR:** I’m being serious. I started on a new project today.

**MISROCH:** Another new project? What happened to your... Thing with the videos? On the interweb or whatever?

**BELZAGOR:** Oh, MeTube? The video website? It was a dumb idea. I got drunk and deleted it.

**MISROCH:** Probably for the better. No one even uses the interweb.

**BELZAGOR:** They had a human dressed as Santa walking around in GadgetHut today.

**MISROCH:** Ugh. That’s disgusting.

**BELZAGOR:** I know. But it kept customers busy, which was nice. I had time to make some actual progress on this toy’s design.

**MISROCH:** You’re making... a toy.

**BELZAGOR:** *[defensive]* Don’t say it like that. It’s a hell toy. Full of hell tech.

**MISROCH:** Uh huh. Just like that “evil” computer game you made? Where you just build stuff out of blocks of dirt?

**BELZAGOR:** Oh, Mineshaft? Meh. It was too tedious. I scrapped that too. No, this toy is gonna be way more sinister. I want to make a simulation pet that needs people. That sucks up all their attention and watches them in their sleep. Like a needy baby.

**MISROCH:** *[aside]* Think we already have enough of those around here...

**BELZAGOR:** *[not listening]* It’s essentially a sock puppet with a robot inside. But it’s furry. Like a... fur baby! And It will make cute sounds. Like… *[makes a Furby sound]*

**MISROCH:** That’s extremely discomforting.

**BELZAGOR:** I was really on a roll with this one. I’ll make it fluffy and cute on the outside, with highly sophisticated demonic machinery on the inside. I’ll program it to respond to external stimuli. To react to changes in the light, to certain sounds, a few touch points, maybe they could even interact with each other! It would be a monster undertaking to program, but I could essentially make it need people. And people love to feel needed...

**MISROCH:** You think humans would buy it?

**BELZAGOR:** Yeah! I could get it mass produced! I could quit my job at GadgetHut and focus on inventing more stuff. It would get mad popular.

**MISROCH:** Belz, what if word gets back down to hell that you invented a furry kids toy?

**BELZAGOR:** Who fucking cares? No one in Hell ever appreciated my inventions anyways.

**MISROCH:** What about that self cleaning blood gutter system you designed? It was installed in like every blood gutter grate in Pandemonium.

**BELZAGOR:** Misroch, I hated designing blood gutters. Probably as much as you hated being a line cook.

**MISROCH:** Satan did only ever want plain buttered noodles. *[sigh]* I don’t love Earth. But it sure as fuck beats Hell.

**BELZAGOR:** I.. kind of like it here.

**MISROCH:** Sympathizer.

**BELZAGOR:** I am not a sympathizer!

[[SFX: she gets up]]

**MISROCH:** Where are you going?

**BELZAGOR:** I need a drink. You’re exhausting.

**MISROCH:** I’m just calling it like I see it.

**BELZAGOR:** Well you’re wrong... And you suck.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR gets up to leave]]

**MISROCH:** Where are you going?

**BELZAGOR:** Hang on.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR grunts and climbs into the dumpster, lands inside with a trashy crash]]

**MISROCH:** What the fuck? Belz, get out of the dumpster!

**BELZAGOR:** *[inside the dumpster]* I said hang ON.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR shuffles around, looking for something]]

**BELZAGOR:** Where is the stupid - Aha. There you are.

[[SFX: the swish of liquid in a metal flask]]

**MISROCH:** Oh, so I can’t be in demonskin in public, but you can go climbing into dumpsters like it’s no big whoop-

[[SFX: BELZAGOR jumps out of the dumpster with a flask]]

**MISROCH:** How did you know that was in there?

**BELZAGOR:** Because I put it there.

**MISROCH:** What is it?

**BELZAGOR:** It’s a flask, are you an idiot?

**MISROCH:** No. What’s in the flask, asshole. There’s smoke coming out of it.

**BELZAGOR:** Why would you care? I’m an asshole and you can’t have any.

**MISROCH:** It smells like... Oh shit. I can’t believe you keep Holy Water in the dumpster!

**BELZAGOR:** I don’t tell you how to cook your bodies, so don’t tell me where to hide my booze.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR uncaps it, takes a long swig]]

**BELZAGOR:** Ahh.

**MISROCH:** That’s disgusting.

**BELZAGOR:** Cooking kidneys is disgusting. They smell like pee.

**MISROCH:** Hey fuck you, leave my cooking methods alone, and give me some of that.

**BELZAGOR:** Fine. But only enough for one mouth. It’s half empty.

[[SFX: MISROCH glugs]]

**BELZAGOR:** Hey! I said one mouth!

**MISROCH:** Lucifer’s dick, that’s strong.

**BELZAGOR:** Yeah, twice blessed. You’re welcome.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR stands up, heads towards the door back into the mall]]

**MISROCH:** Where are you going now?

**BELZAGOR:** I left my blueprints for the furbaby under the counter in GadgetHut. I’m gonna go get it before they lock up.

**MISROCH:** The furbaby?

**BELZAGOR:** It’s a working title. See ya.

**MISROCH:** Wait! You don’t want the rest of your blessed dumpster booze?

**BELZAGOR:** *[walking away]* Put it back in the dumpster for me. There’s a little crack in the back right corner. Shove it in there tight so it doesn’t fall out when they empty the dumpster on Thursdays.

**MISROCH:** You’re fucking disgusting, Belzagor.

**BELZAGOR:** Love you too, Misnis.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR opens the door to the mall]]

**BELZAGOR:** Oh. And get back in humanskin before someone sees you.

**MISROCH:** I’ll do whatever the fuck I want.

**BELZAGOR:** Suit yourself.

[[SFX: The door closes behind her. MISROCH shifts back into humanskin - that terrible yawning cracking sound as they transform. Takes one last swig from the flask]]

**MISROCH:** *[human voice]* Satan, I can’t believe I’m about to do this. Ugh, why do they make these so... tall?

[[SFX: MISROCH Climbs into the dumpster. The wheels and lid creak]]

MISROCH: What crack was she talking about? There’s no crack in the metal! *[yelling]* Belzagor! You lying—

[[SFX: MISROCH stands up, the dumpster lid slams shut on their head.]]

**MISROCH:** *[inside the dumpster]* Ow! AHHH— UNHOLY MOTHER OF —

[[SFX: MISROCH bangs on the inside of the dumpster]]

**MISROCH:** Belzagor? Hey! HEY! BELZAGOR! How does this thing open? Does it lock? Shit. BELZAGOR! Come back! I can’t stay in here all night! It smells! I have to turn off the fryers! BELZAGOR, I WILL DRINK THE REST OF YOUR BOOZE! Belzagor?.... ...Belz? [quietly] Fuck.

[[MUSIC: Transition. Rock guitar riffs.]]

**-- Scene 06 --**

**[**[SFX: the whirr and beep of an answering machine]]

**VOICEMAIL:** You have ONE new message. Received Tuesday, December 21st, 1999, at 10:44pm

**BELZAGOR:** *[exasperated]* Hey, Hornblas. You home? I’m still at fucking GadgetHut, I’ve torn this whole fucking store apart and I can’t find my blueprints for the fur baby! I have no idea what the hell- Wait. You don’t even know what I’m talking about. I’ll fill you in later. Oh, also, you better show up to work tomorrow. Misnis is seriously gonna go postal if you don’t. And I wanna be able to go over to Wiener World without Misroch spewing fire out of their butthole at me.

Actually, I wonder if they can still do that. Anyways. Look. I know you’re not in a great place right now, but, like. Maybe a new job would do you some good. Flip a few weiners with Misroch, hang out with us at the Mall. It’ll be super chill. We won’t even mention Hot Topic. OK? Alright, I gotta go, I’ll see you at home.

[[SFX: hangs up.]]

[[MUSIC: Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]