War of the Planets (2016 Version)

"*A crew of space jocks in space pajamas follow a deep space signal, and the captain thinks that the computer's drunk, and they all sort of dress like the dancers doing The Bump on the cover of the disco Star Wars album*"
—Mr. Lobo

## The Episode

John Stanley arrives from the future on a very important mission involving Mr. Lobo, but is he friend...*or foe?*

## *War of the Planets (2016 Version)*

### Director

Ernie Fosselius
Mr. Lobo

### Secret message

"2-8 3-1-8 17-7-14 3-23-7-17-8 18-17 15-16-3-20-8... 8-26-8-1-25 4-3-25"

### Wraps

**Wrap 1**

Mr. Lobo is proud to present the all time classic sci-fi classic of all time, Steven Spielberg's *Close Encounters of the Third Kind!* But instead, John Stanley and Cosmo Naughty teleport into the Void and he gets punched in the face. Not only that, but John tasks Cosmo with jackassing up(?) to the control tower and telling the bananaheads(??) to replace Mr. Lobo's scheduled film with some mysterious new film contained on a video cassette, from the future year of 1978! And he *sits* in Mr. Lobo's *chair!* Then, over Mr. Lobo's concussed, unconscious body, John Stanley throws to tonight's feature, *War of the Planets!*

**Wrap 2**

Mr. Lobo is awake, and John Stanley is from the future! What? Time for a commercial!

**Wrap 3**

Mr. Lobo explains that Mr. Lobo is from the present day, and John Stanley is from the future. Well, not really "explains" so much as "states." But enough talk, it's time for the Insomniac Pledge! And John Stanley menacing Mr. Lobo, physically!

**Wrap 4**

The show has been turned upside down! *Literally!* [hold for laughter] John Stanley's still busting Mr. Lobo's chops, so Mr. Lobo puts on a space helmet, floats through outer space to the control room, and presses the commercial button.

**Wrap 5**

Mr. Lobo has floated back to the studio, but everything's still upside down, John's still creeping on Cosmo, and Mr. Lobo's burned his arm. John puts on the space helmet and floats away to the control tower, and Mr. Lobo sends us back to *War of the Planets*.

**Wrap 6**

John fixed the show and Mr. Lobo has reclaimed the yellow chair! Unfortunately Mr. Lobo goes on to explain that John and Cosmo Naughty have taken a "nookie break" in the cosmic love machine, so now I want to die.

**Wrap 7**

I didn't die, and now Mr. Lobo is commenting on John's sexual stamina. I made the wrong choice. Back to the movie!

**Wrap 8**

Now the Void is spinning and John Stanley and Cosmo Naughty return from the cosmic love machine. It sounds like Mr. Lobo's going to try the cosmic love machine for himself but I'm not sure because I'm staring at the ceiling. As he leaves to enter the sex room by himself, he says

**Wrap 9**

John almost felt sorry for Mr. Lobo while he was in the cosmic sex whatever by himself, and says that he has it within his power to assign him a "sexy space girl sidekick," all while flirtatiously pawing Cosmo Naughty. What are people with electric ovens supposed to stick our heads in? John wants to plug his book and I want to plug myself.

**Wrap 10**

Thank you Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, it's time for the Snack Bar Segment! Mr. Lobo and Cosmo Naughty are going to show us how to quite simply make a scale model of the mountain from *Close Encounters of the Third Kind* using instant mashed potatoes, a pocket meal wrangler, and a Devo hat.

**Wrap 11**

Mr. Lobo and (out-of-character) John Stanley are discussing John's book, *The Gang That Shot Up Hollywood*, (as well as *I Was a TV Horror Host* and his DVDs - all available at http://stanleybooks.net/!) and the only thing being fondled or caressed is a paperback.

**Wrap 12**

Mr. Lobo, John Stanley and Cosmo Naughty are all back in the studio, and Mr. Lobo is consulting John's book, *the Creature Features Movie Guide*, on tonight's feature. It's not in there!!! John explains that he couldn't take any more "Spaghetti Sci-Fi" at the time of writing, but Cosmo Naughty reveals that John is working on a (then-)new edition for the Space Women so they can fill their databases with Italian sci-fi. So, without the good book to guide him, Mr. Lobo wings it and summarizes the movie himself, while being heckled by John Stanley:

>
> A crew of space jocks in space pajamas follow a deep space signal, and the captain thinks that the computer's drunk, and they all sort of dress like the dancers doing The Bump on the cover of the disco Star Wars album.
>
>

I couldn't have said it better myself.

**Wrap 13**

Mr. Lobo is confused, and asks to know WHY John Stanley has come from the future. "Patience, my dark apprentice," says John. He then plugs his book, *The Gang That Shot Up Hollywood* (http://stanleybooks.net/), again, until Mr. Lobo throws to a commercial for John Stanley's books (http://stanleybooks.net/).

**Wrap 14**

Mr. Lobo introduces tonight's lucky Reel 7 Girl, Cosmo Naughty! Cosmo Naughty introduces her laser pistol! Back to the movie.

**Wrap 15**

John Stanley finally spills the beans on why he's here! He's been sent from the future to judge whether or not Mr. Lobo is fit to be a TV horror host!

>
> **Mr. Lobo:** People in the future are interested in my work?!
>
>
>
> **John Stanley:** An entire army of psychiatrists *can't wait* to get their hands on all of the information.
>
>

John slips up and says something ominous before Cosmo pulls a gun on Mr. Lobo and throws back to the movie.

**Wrap 16**

Mr. Lobo ruminates on the appearance of the robot in the movie, then Cosmo Naughty joins him in a *Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy* reference. 42.

**Wrap 17**

Cosmo Naughty lists Mr. Lobo's (alleged!) crimes as a horror host and then mentions John's scabs. Back to the movie!

**Wrap 18**

Cosmo just got off the phone with "the Commander" (John Stanley), and the bad news is that the test results on Mr. Lobo's fitness were inconclusive, but the good news that can't be misleading or blow up in his face somehow is that he's been approved for a sexy Space Girl sidekick! Hooray!

**Wrap 19**

John's back, and, with the power vested in him by the Film Host Guild and the Space League of Captains, he's going to present Mr. Lobo with his sexy Space Girl sidekick! And Cosmo Naughty's still holding him at gunpoint! Surely the two things are unrelated! Are they? I'm not gonna spoil that for you here! (I'll spoil it for you in the Cast and Gallery sections.)

**Wrap 20**

Mr. Lobo is unconscious, and John rouses him to go back to the future and face his trial before the FCC (Future Crimes Commission)! Roll credits!

### Ads

* **Tootsie Roll** Tootsie Pops, "Bastard Owl"
* **Transogram**, "Daredevil Trik-Trak"
* **Being Difficult**, starring Orson Welles
* **Kool Aid**, "Kool Aid Man Rampages, Scalps Adult"
* **Worthington Ford** **in Federal Way**, "Go See Cal!"
* **The Ad Council** VD is for everybody!
* **Milton Bradley**, Mr. Bucket "be the first to get your balls in Mr. Bucket and you win!"
* **Harrelson Toyota**, I-77 Exit 82C in Rock Hill, "South Carolina's #1 But Satisfier"
* **Super Soaker**, "Oozinator" (...)
* **Mattel**, "Creepy Crawlers Thingmaker II"
* **PepsiCo**, Crystal Pepsi
* **Transogram**, "Monkey's Uncle" game
* Let's All Go to the Lobby!
* A strange man in a tuxedo singing about extending credit in exchange for goods, and services
* **Hörsenmilken**, Horsenbutteren
* **Coca-Cola**, "Coke Time"
* **Parker Brothers** Loop-a-Lot game
* **Pioneer** LaserDisc, starring Ray Charles
* **Mattel**, Shogun Warriors
* **Being Difficult**, starring Orson Welles (part 2)
* **Film Noir Night at PCT**
* ***I Was a TV Horror Host*** and other books by John Stanley (available at http://stanleybooks.net/)
* **Quaker Oats Company**, Mr. T Cereal
* A Japanese Star Wars canned tuna commercial?
* **Wunder Boner**. You'll have to guess what it is.
* **Gleem** toothpaste (starring Billy Mumy!)
* **Being Difficult**, starring Orson Welles (part 3)
* **Kent** cigarettes (the Parthenon of cigarettes! I think! Might have misunderstood the jingle!)
* **Mego** 2-XL robot toy

### Trailers

* *The Adventures of Rat Pfink and Boo Boo* (1966)
* *Close Encounters of the Third Kind* (1977)
* *The Man from Planet X* (1951)
* *The Brain That Wouldn't Die* (1962)
* *Starcrash* (1979)

### Cast

* Mr. Lobo...Mister Lobo
* John Stanley...John Stanley
* Cosmo Naughty/Cosmonauti Prime...Stephanie Hyden
* Ro-Mana...Dixie Dellamorto
* 2XL...as Himself

### Quotes

"*There are THREE, count 'em, THREE, number one kinds of extraterrestrial encounters. The first number one kind of extraterrestrial encounter is 'psychic.' The second type of number one extraterrestrial encounter is, uh...loss of appetite...uh...possibly dry mouth, I'm not sure, I've got it written down somewhere.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*The crew often abandons Mr. Lobo...especially during a European sci-fi film.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Good thing Mr. Lobo wore two pairs of socks today!*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Mr. Lobo's 'rocket' may be entering a new stage, here!*"
—Mr. Lobo

> **John Stanley**: *I gotta tell you the truth, she is part robot. I hope you don't mind!*
>
> **Mr. Lobo**: *But what is the other part?!*
>
>

### Trivia

* First appearance of Cosmonauti Prime (here called Cosmo Naughty) and Ro-Mana.

## *War of the Planets*

### Written by

Alfonso Brescia
Aldo Crudo

### Cast

John Richardson
Yanti Somer
Massimo Bonetti
Romeo Costatini
Katia Christine
Daniele Dublino
Giuseppe Fortis
Percy Hogan
Eleonora King
Malisa Longo
Vassili Karis

### Runtime

89 minutes

1. ↑ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star\_Wars\_and\_Other\_Galactic\_Funk