297: I Would Use the Word "Rubbing"

## Summary

The fight rages on. Raphina confuses the dragon with a *Spiritual Guardian* while Rosco, Batthwack and Will pummel it with attacks from all sides. Suddenly Batthwack recalls one of the pictures they saw in the book and finds himself acting it out when he rips one of the dragon's teeth from its mouth.

## Synopsis

Batthwack dives swiftly down from the butte and hurls another javelin at the upside down dragon, but misses. He casts *Sanctuary* on Will who is looking somewhat exposed after his ship wreck hiding place was torn apart. The furious dragon flips his back towards the two of them and viciously beats his wings, sending a surge of water that smashes into them. Will quickly picks himself up, and thinking again of the Warping Scorpion, stomps his foot in hopeful desperation. He does teleport, but finding himself only five feet away from where he started, he quickly whirls around and fires off three *Eldritch Blasts* that each smack into the dragon's empty eye sockets. He then dives for cover behind a nearby copse of kelp.

Meanwhile, Rosco is still reeling, psychologically and physically, from the explosion that nearly finished him off. Feeling rather panicked, he grips tightly onto Rudy the rutabaga, which is hanging around his neck. Vegetable in hand, he rushes forward, and not really knowing what he's doing, he lets out a reluctant sigh and reaches out a hand to cast *Poison Spray*. The mustardy, lavendery gas congeals on contact with the water, and shoots towards the dragon just as it is taking a breath for some kind of attack. The dragon chokes on the mixture and a glob is sneezed past Rosco's head, narrowly missing him. Rosco darts round behind the butte and out of sight.

Still by the Anglerfish's side, Raphina is convinced that this dragon is Savnok and yells, *"Who do you report to?!"* The dragon responds, *"Who do I report to? I'm my own man, lady!"* Inspired by a thought of Aunt Bootie, Raphina knows exactly who would have authority over the dragon and she casts *Spiritual Guardians*, creating a manifestation all around herself of what she imagines the dragon's grandmother to look like, complete with mascara'd eye-less voids. She bids farewell to the Anglerfish as she floats off the butte and towards the dragon, both her and the guardian glaring at him. The onslaught from Raphina's phantom leaves the dragon bloodied and perturbed. *"Hey, who's that? I don't like who that is!"* he cries and rears up again to exert his dominance, but of course this has no effect on the spectral form. He bites and claws wildly at it, and Raphina is caught in the flurry by accident, which also coats her in the same viscous goop that had soaked Rosco before.

Batthwack launches himself forwards and swings his sword at the dragon, but the blade is deflected by its scales and it barely seems to notice. Will fires off twinned *Eldritch Blasts* and four bolts of energy slam into the beast.

Rosco creeps up and peers over the edge of the butte. He loud-whispers *"Pssst! Hey!"* to attract the Anglerfish's attention. Sounding slightly embarrassed to ask, Rosco says *"Do you think this is a winnable fight?"* *"We can do anything we put our mind to,"* replies the Anglerfish unhelpfully. *"This could be a rescue operation, and not a suicide mission,"* suggests Rosco sternly. The Anglerfish is resolute in his optimism though. *"No, we got to take this guy down. This is our chance,"* he says. Rosco however is feeling a little hopeless, and with another wince, and still completely without any idea that he's doing it, casts *Balm of the Summer Court* on the Anglerfish. As the healing power takes effect, Rosco blurts out *"What am I?!"* *"Well, I don't know, man,"* replies the Anglerfish. *"You got, like, some fairy magic in you though, dude."* *"What does that mean?!"* says Rosco, sounding increasingly distressed. *"I don't know. But it made me feel good,"* says the Anglerfish reassuringly, and the two of them briefly expound on all the ways you can express how good you're feeling, before suddenly remembering that there's a battle they ought to be getting on with.

Dripping with smelly, sticky mucus, and not wanting to take her concentration off the *Spiritual Guardian*, Raphina levels her *Oathbow* and looses an arrow at the dragon. However, the mucus seems to have affected the trajectory of the arrow and it spirals off and misses. The dragon continues to bite and claw at the ghostly grandma dragon and Raphina is again caught by the bite. The swing of his claw however brings him face-to-face with the spirit and he freezes, transfixed.

The sight of the dragon's terrifying bite suddenly reminds Batthwack of the image they saw in the locked book: a close-up depiction of a hand ripping a tooth out of a dragon's mouth. He wonders if the dragon's tooth is a vulnerable spot and strikes with his sword. One blow lodges his sword in the dragon's snout and he reaches out his hand to cast *Divine Smite*. The divine energy surges through his hand and shoulder, pushing his palm right onto one of the dragon's teeth. The energy pulses and the tooth snaps off in his hand. The dragon roars in pain.

## Quotes

* Eric: *"You hurl this javelin at the dragon, and then as you're casting* Sanctuary*, he whirls around he says 'Hey, what you do that for?! Just kidding, I know we're fighting!'"*

## Trivia

* The episode title was a quote from Alex. Eric was just recapping the situation to KT, following an attack on Will by the dragon, just after Batthwack cast *Sanctuary* on him, saying *"So Will, Batthwack just flew down, took some of the heat off of you. You feel like you're... feel some of his... It feels really good, Batthwack's magic, touching all over you."* KT: *"Stop it!"* Alex: *"I would use the word "rubbing." It kind of rubs off."* Eric: *"It's like chafing."* KT/Will: *"There's too many skin flakes around here. Reptilian scale flakes. Can't even see in this water. It's disgusting!"*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: spiffy.

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ For any Brits or Aussies reading, a rutabaga is a swede, if you didn't already know!
2. ↑ KT said this about Will's metamagic *Twinned Spell* option: *"If you're close enough to him when it happens, the air around you feels like there's just a little too much caffeine and like you'd almost get a buzz."*
3. ↑ See episode 284: Tusk Me In the Dick