Zen

"**Zen**" is the sixth episode of *Hoops*.

## Plot

Coach finds enlightenment with an unconventional anger-management therapist. Scott is bullied about his past relationships.

## Summary

Hopkins gets into an argument with the referee, Jeremy, upsetting him by telling him that he lost too much weight, causing Beatrice, a "chubby-chaser," to leave him. He is, of course, ejected. He says it's good, starting to leave, then a gives the opposing team's mascot a piece of his mind. He knocks him outside and there are sounds of screaming and pain. "Who knew this gym was on the fourth floor?" he asks.

As an ambulance sits outside, Scott tells a boy, Neil, that he doesn't think they should be dating. He says he's enjoyed their five days together, but when he loses his "gay virginity," he wants it to be with the right person. He says that back when he was in denial, he slept with 15 women. Neil asks if it 's arms, that it was leg day and he didn't get a chance to work on them. He says it has nothing to do with his looks. In school, Hopkins watches the tape of the mascot falling down the stairs and laughs. He tells Opal that she can't be mad at him, that he didn't even touch him. "You mean her," replies Opal, playing the tape to reveal the mascot taking off the cowboy head to reveal a woman underneath. Hopkins is shocked that there was a woman underneath. Opal tells him that C.O.C.C., the Coalition of Costumed Characters, or mascot association, is up her ass. They're threatening to boycott the games, and with no mascots, there's no basketball. They're demanding he go to anger management. He replies that he's been to every anger management class in the town and nobody could manage him. She says that there's only one left, but he's unconventional. She says that he changed her life.

Hopkins visits the counselor, known as "the DAWA." The DAWA tells him he's not so much an anger management counselor as a spiritual guide. DAWA tells him that he's Ben Hopkins coming in, but he'll be "Zen Hopkins" coming out. He says there won't be an angry bone in his body by the time he's done with him. He says they're beginning with an hour of unbroken eye contact. Hopkins replies that eye contact is for three seconds during sex only and tries to get him to sign a paper. DAWA replies that he won't sign it, that there are no shortcuts. Hopkins says he's leaving.

DJ asks Scott how the breakout went, saying it couldn't have been easy, as they don't call Scott and his friends the "Gay Mafia" for nothing. Scott replies that Neil was actually pretty cool about it, then opens his locker to find it vandalized with fake vaginas. Neil and his friends laugh behind him, taunting him for not really being gay. They say he's hanging out with jock losers. Matty asks what's wrong with them, saying that there's nothing wrong with being straight. They say that Scott is just pretending to be gay because it's cool. Scott replies that Neil is just not his type, that he's just not into him. Neil says that they're going to fight, behind Dick's Sporting Goods.

At the hospital, Opal starts to read off a written apology to the mascot, then sees Hopkins walking by in the hall. "Oh God." She tells the mascots that Hopkins is attending anger management classes as they speak, then leaves the room. She asks what he's doing there and he tells her the anger management didn't work. She tells him she's taking him back herself. Back at DAWA, Opal finds her zen, but Hopkins can't seem to get into the groove. When the DAWA asks what he's thinking about, he starts talking about *Little Man Tate*. DAWA is into it, saying that he always wanted to help Tate figure out how to be a big man. He says it what made him want to get into self-help. Hopkins is loving it, saying DAWA is alright after all. He says that now they have to clear their mind and say goodbye to *Little Man Tate*, admitting he never finished it either. He turns off the lights and they relax.

The boys head behind Dick's Sporting Goods for the fight. Matty says that they're not going to fight like how they fight, that it's going to be like *West Side Story*: a lot of singing and dancing. They start snapping their fingers to music, but the gay guys just throw punches and knock them all down. It's a savage beatdown, and they all run away. Back at DAWA, Hopkins has fallen asleep. He wakes up and shouts for DAWA, who is tripping on psychotropic frog poison. Hopkins says that the wants it too, but DAWA tells him that the frog is only for those who have reached a certain level of enlightenment. They get into an argument about John Mayer and the Grateful Dead, until finally Hopkins snatches the frog and has it squirt poison into his mouth. DAWA asks for his calls to be held. Hopkins starts tripping out and has a very contented fantasy at first, but then things start getting very messed up. He eventually encounters a version of the main character from *Little Man Tate*, who tells him that he needs to "chill out." He comes to, throwing up in front of a dumpster outside.

DAWA tells him that he's proud of him, that he made it through. He tells him that he's passed and is through the training, giving him a certificate. Meanwhile, Shannon and Ron are at a party, only for Shannon to be shocked when she sees Hopkins outside. She tells Ron that it's his birthday and *not* inviting Hopkins was his present. Hopkins enters, asking if they're having a gathering. Shannon says it's Ron's birthday and they forgot to invite him. He shocks her by not getting angry about it, then goes up to Barry and says he forgives him. He says he forgives them all and he's leaving and has to get ready for practice. He congratulates Ron on another trip around the sun and leaves, leaving Shannon to wonder just who that was.

Hopkins comes to the team, telling them he's a different person. Matty tells him about Scott's problem with the "Gay Mafia." Scott says he needs him to go "full-Coach" on them, but Hopkins is still in his zen zone. The "Gay Mafia" shows up, shouting insults and Hopkins looks like he's about to lose it, but he just sits and chants. The Gay Mafia leaves, saying they'll see Scott at the game. Opal, Hopkins and DAWA go before the mascots, telling them that Hopkins has his certificate. A cow mascot replies that he's going to slip up and when he does, COCC will be up his ass again. He replies that's where he wants them to be if he does. At the game, the Gay Mafia pesters Scott, but Hopkins stays zen, at least at first. Hopkins gets a vision of Jodie Foster, telling him to let it rip. Hopkins goes off on the mafia, telling them Scott can do whatever he wants and still be gay. He goes off on Shannon for not inviting him to the party and Shannon says the party was kinda boring without him. He tells DAWA not to change people anymore, that being angry is who he is. He says anyone that messes with his players is going in the ground. He apologizes to Scott, saying he was being enlightened, but he was just being an asshole. A frog mascot comes up to him and he tells the mascot he's leaving, but the mascot tells him that mascots aren't the most popular kids in school. Any person that sticks up to a bully is alright with them. They shake hands and as Opal rolls her eyes, he declares that he's back, tossing a chair and knocking down several of the mascots.

## Cast and characters

Starring:

* Jake Johnson as Coach Ben Hopkins
* Ron Funches as Ron
* Cleo King as Principal Opal Lowry
* Natasha Leggero as Shannon
* A.D. Miles as Matty

Also Starring:

* James Adomian
* Steve Berg as DJ
* Will Forte as DAWA
* Sam Richardson as Marcus
* Nick Swardson as Scott
* Drew Tarver

## Gallery

Coach Ben Hopkins, Timebomb, Isaac, Marcus, DJ, Matty, and ScottColts team shirtlessNeil and ScottBen and DawaDawaNeil's guys, Neil, Scott, and the team
## Navigation

* 1.01 The Pilot
* 1.02 My Two Dads
* 1.03 Ethics
* 1.04 The Sponsor
* 1.05 Matty Gets a Girlfriend
* 1.06 **Zen**
* 1.07 The Strike
* 1.08 Death
* 1.09 The Road Game
* 1.10 The Scout

## References

1. ↑ Patton, Rebecca (August 21, 2020). This New Netflix Show Is Basically One Big *New Girl* Reunion. Bustle. Retrieved on September 20, 2020.