The Mystery Box - S1E1/Script

## What's In The Box

```
Kermit:
[speaking to the audience]
Hello and welcome to this week's edition of What The Hell Is In This Box. Today, we have a very unspecial guest with us, and his name is Booby Monster.

Booby Monster:
Boobies.

Kermit:
For all of you new viewers, let me explain the rules of the game for the fifty-third fucking time. You see, I'm going to give this little twat three hints as to what is in this box, and this little twat will get three chances to guess what it is. If he guesses correctly, he can keep what is in the box, but if he doesn't, I'm going to shoot him dead.
[to Booby Monster]
Doesn't that sound fun, Booby Monster?

Booby Monster:
Boobies.

Kermit:
Okay, good. Here is your first hint. It is round.

Booby Monster:
Boobies.

Kermit:
No, you fucking idiot. It's not boobies. Here is your second hint. You eat it.

Booby Monster:
Boobies.

Kermit:
No, God damn it. I just fucking told you it wasn't boobies, you fucknut. Here is your third hint. You need to pay a lot of money in order to obtain it.

Booby Monster:
Boobies.

Kermit:
Holy shit, you fucking blueberry-flavored motherfucker. I just fucking told you it's not fucking boobies.

Booby Monster:
Then what the fuck is it?

Kermit:
It's a fucking orange, you fucking fat-ass piece of shit.

Booby Monster:
Why the hell would it be orange?

Kermit:
Well, why the hell would it be fucking boobies, you stupid motherfucker?

Booby Monster:
It round, it eatable, it cost moneys. How could it not be boobies?

Kermit:
I'm gonna blow your fucking brains out, bitch.

Booby Monster:
Fuck you.

[Kermit shoots Booby Monster three times.]

Kermit:
[speaking to the audience]
Y'all motherfuckers didn't see shit.

```

## Oscar Ad

```
Oscar:
Eyo, my níggas. Oscar the fuckin' Grouch here. Do you wanna know how you can stop being such a fuckin' pussy all the damn time? Of fuckin' course you do. I have a new product that can wipe your pussiness off of you. I call it the Pussywipe. Just fuckin' point the Pussywipe at your face, pull the button, and bam, you will never be a pussy again. Here are some of our best reviews.

Ernie:
The Pussywipe is an amazing product. I showed it to my friend and he immediately stopped being a pussy. The Pussywipe gets a 10/10.

Elmo:
Wait. What the hell am I talking about again?

Bert:
This is literally just a gun.

[Oscar shoots Bert.]

Oscar:
The Pussywipe has also been approved by the fuckin' faggots over at the FDA. That stands for Fuckin' Dick Ass.

Robert Califf:
Well, actually, this product isn't a food or a drug, so we can't really approve it.

[Robert Califf is gunned down.]

Oscar:
The Pussywipe. Buy it now, or I'll kick your skull in, faggot.

```

## Ernie Does The R Word

```
Ernie:
Hey, Bert, do you want to play a game?

Bert:
No, fuck off. I'm trying to read 50 Shades Of Gay.

Ernie:
Great. Let's get started.

Bert:
God fucking damn it, Ernie, you fat cuntbag.

Ernie:
Here. Put on this blindfold.

Bert:
Why? You're not gonna suck my dick or some shit, are you?

Ernie:
Shut the fuck up, Bert. Just put on the damn blindfold, you pussy.

Bert:
Okay.

[Bert puts on the blindfold.]

Ernie:
Okay, so, Bert, now I'm gonna fuckin' rape you.

Bert:
Holy shit. Get the hell away from me, you stupid cunt.

```

## Elmo Ball Scene

```
Elmo:
Hello, bitches. Welcome to Elmo's crib. Elmo really doesn't want to be here, but Elmo has to because his boss will kill him if he doesn't. Anyways, today, we're gonna be learnin' about balls.

[He shows some footage of kids playing with beach balls.]

Elmo:
Here is some footage of kids playing with their balls.

[The footage stops and it cuts back to Elmo.]

Elmo:
Dorothy's been thinking about balls too. Dorothy also has a question, so listen up, you little bitches. "What do you like to do with your balls?" Let's ask that cranky old bastard Oscar The Grouch.

Oscar:
What the fuck are y'all níggas doin' here? Get the fuck outta here, faggot.

Elmo:
God damn it, Oscar. Answer my fucking question, asshole.

Oscar:
You know what? Fine. You wanna know what I like to do?

Elmo:
Yes.

Oscar:
Kick rocks, motherfucker. That's what.

Elmo:
Bitch.

```

## Homer Channel

```
Homer:
God damn it, where the fuck is Cartoon Network?

```