recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
S07E01 - CAUTION: Grinding Starts Forest Fires

## CAUTION: Grinding Starts Forest Fires

Artwork by Dave

This is the first episode of season 7 and features the short story entitled, "A Memorable Farewell" as well as the beginning of the next in the series entitled "Yearning Hearts"

## Summary

(June 1998)

A month has passed since the Battle of Hogwarts and Ginny Weasley's boyfriend, Harry Potter, has brought her out to the Forest of Dean to say goodbye. But she won't let him leave without a proper farewell...

## Notable Moments

* Dramatic opening of 7 facts to introduce their seventh season.
* Danny did the research on the number 7's prominence in HP.
* Allie accidentally drops a Stranger Things reference, confusing 7 and 11.
* Things Danny loves about conventions: People watching and convention food.
* Lyndsay is hoping for a DICK NIC!
* Fire warning: avoid grinding during dry weather
* Pet peeve of Lyndsay's: when people toast using food.
* The hosts joke that his "dark hand" is a glove and that Harry may be about to murder Ginny in the Forest of Dean.
* "Carrying around a piece of the Dark Lord is JUST like having braces" ~ Lyndsay
* Gasping Lyndsay
* The hosts call bullshit on Harry's promise to write; Harry is a shitty penpal. This is Wangon/Panon (term is still up for debate) on the podcast.
* They joke that Harry is going off to finishing school.
* Danny's mom has the best retort to needing to "find oneself": Check your underpants, you're in there.
* Equal Nipple Play
* Danny and Lyndsay are too enthralled with the story to make jokes.
* Lyndsay explains the sex logistics to Allie this time.
* "If at first you don't succeed, try try a-Gin" ~ Lyndsay
* "Amuse-Bush" ~ Lyndsay
* "Gal Fresco" ~ Allie and Lyndsay in unison
	+ "Gal Fresco" ~ Danny, 5 seconds later
* Lyndsay imagines Ginny doing a Tarzan style scream during her orgasm.
* "Harry's said three words this whole time: Fuck, Merlin, and Shit" ~ Allie
	+ "And: I want to see other people." ~ Danny
* "Bone voyage" ~ Lyndsay
* TRACK SEX!

## Wands Up or Down

Allie: Down

* Sad circumstance to have sex, even though the sex was hot and steamy.

Danny: Up

* Loved them tumbling through the woods.
* Her natural Quidditch instincts seems to have kicked in.
* Love the progress of the story and the return to Hogwarts.

Lyndsay: Up

* Great and sillly

## Potterotics Shout Outs!

* Uncle Aragog's new tune "Harry's Mom" is played at the end
* Jenny and Stephanie's collab of "Love is a Locked Door" is played at the end, a nod to season 6.
* Hannah's cover of "Fuck You".
Q17 - Cockholm Syndrome

## Cockholm Syndrome

Episode art by the legendary Dave

This episode featured the story Toxic by this-bright-eyed-soul. This episode featured special guest, Mike Schubert, from the Potterless Podcast.

The hosts are looking for an original Grindeldore story for Season 8.

Mike's F.O.W.L.S. answers (only four asked because one is a \*bit\* of a spoiler)

1. He would want to get it on in the Room of Requirement because he could make it as comfy and accomodating as possible.
2. His first choice of partner would be Ginny Weasley because he thinks she's clever and funny. Second place would be a young McGonagall
3. Spell would be consensual Legilimency so that he knows what Ginny wants in the moment.
4. Magical artifiact would be a time turner so he could have multiples of himself for the sexy times.

## Episode Summary

Harry is harboring some dirty desires for Lord Voldemort, even though the relationship is the definition of toxic.

## Notable Moments

* Mike puts in a strong showing on the fanfic glossary quiz, even though he's not actually familiar with the fanfic community.
	+ Fortunately "PWP" is NOT Person with pet (i.e. not bestiality related)
* Mike outs himself as a Britney superfan who knows the entire plot of the Toxic music video.
* Wizard porn is pensieve based? Sticky white film flowing over the side.
	+ "Not in the family's Peensieve!" ~ Allie
* Voldemort wears compression stockings so that a blood clot doesn't take him down.
* Voldemort's figure is skeletal?
* Danny reveals a hidden talent for Parselsinging
* Danny hopes that all Mike can picture during the next two books is Voldemort dressed as Britney.
* Mike calls the unrealistic combination of luscious curves and thin thighs on Voldemort. These impossible beauty standards!
* "That's the dick!" ~ Mike
* "Meat" is a new euphemism for penis that gets a big NO from all the hosts.
* Allie loses it at "Butt-holedemort". Mike appreciates Voldemort's love of puns.
* Lyndsay proposes this is a "meat cute"
* "Ginny can call my dick whatever. It's all good!" ~ Mike
* Allie hypothesizes Voldemort doesn't want to take over the wizarding world; he just wants to get in Harry's pants.
* Mike ships Lovebottom.

## Wands Up or Down

Allie: Down

* Wants more Butt-holedemort!

Danny: Up

* Loves love.
* Thinks this is only the beginning for Harry and Voldy

Lyndsay: Down

* Wanted more action

Mike: Down

* Was up all the way to the end, but hates the "it was just a dream" trope.
* Loves the Britney Spears crossover
45 Minutes of Kissing

A reference to Season 1 Episode 7 ("45 minutes of kissing"), in which Snape and Hermione's foreplay includes 45 minutes of snogging:

*"Snape kissed Hermione for a good forty-five minutes, the kissing becoming much more passionate as Hermione pulled on his body persistently, running her hands over his scars, pulling on his shoulders, pressing and rubbing against him wantonly as he hungrily and torturously continued his gently [sic!] assault on her mouth, not allowing her to rush him."*

Although the kissing technically started in Episode 6, which included the first kiss the specific measurement of time was not made until episode 7.

In episode 8, Danny comments that his favourite part of episode 7 was having to edit out 45 minutes of Allie laughing at the 45 minutes of kissing.
Thewaterfalcon

thewaterfalcon is the pen name of Artemis Lake, author of "Need You Now", the Ronsy fic read on Quickie 2 of the Potterotica Podcast.

Artemis Lake appeared on "Q2 - Meet the Author" on the Potterotica Podcast for an author interview.

## Featured in

* Q02E02 - Fire(crotch)whiskey - Received a shout-out when she joined the FB Live stream.
* Quickie 2 - Features "Need You Now"

## About Artemis aka thewaterfalcon

* Artemis is from Scotland
* she runs a Facebook/Tumblr Group called "The Fairest of the Rare" dedicated to rare Harry Potter ships
* she writes a lot of Pansy-centric fics because she doesn't really identify with Hermione
* she's a Slytherin married to a Gryffindor

## Answers to the FOWLS

DISCLAIMER: These answers have been paraphrased.

**If you could do it anywhere in Hogwarts, where would you do it?**

In the Room of Requirement, inspired by "The Debt of Time" by ShayaLonnie

**What magical artifact would you want in your sex life?**

Usually the Invisibility Cloak, but maybe a magically enhanced rope or the pensieve

**What spell would you want to use during sex?**

Accio to summon whatever you want to play with, or to summon your partner

**Did you realize Neville would end up so sexy?**

Definitely not, but I'm very happy he did, or that Matthew Lewis did.

## External Links

Find Artemis at

* fanfiction.net
* tumblr
* AO3
* Facebook "Fairest of the Rare"
* Tumblr "Fairest of the Rare"
Quickies

Epsiodes in-between seasons, consisting of usually one to three parts.

* Quickie 1 "Luke The Magician"
	+ Q1E1 "Girls Night!"
	+ Q1E2 "A Lap Dance for Hermione"
	+ Q1E3 "Draco's Sexy Playlist"
* Quickie 2 "Need You Now"
	+ Q2E1 "New Owl Who Dis?"
	+ Q2E2 "Fire(crotch)whiskey"
	+ Q2E3 "Prolongus Ejaculus!"
	+ Q2E4 "An Unexpected Foursome"
	+ Q2 Meet The Author
* Quickie 3 "A Side of Her So Rarely Seen" / "The OG Wands Up"
* Quickie 4 "Bewitchment" / "What Happens in the Greenhouse Stays in the Greenhouse"
* Quickie 5 "Choices" / "Give a Dog a Boner"
* Quickie 6 "Tricks, Treats & Other Saucy Endeavors on Devil's Night" / "Happy Butthole-o-ween"
* Quickie 7 "Cinnamon Sugar"
	+ Q7E1 "Sugar and Spice and Everything Naughty"
	+ Q7E2 "Loose Lips Sink Ships"
* Quickie 8 "For The Very First Time"
	+ Q8E1 "The Hot and Sexy Loving"
	+ Q8E2 "Dela Dela Bills, Y'all"
* Quickie 9 "Christmas Tickles" / "Wolfstar of David"
* Quickie 10 "Ron's Tiny Problem and Hermione's Big Solution" / "Ron's Tiny Problem"
S02E06 - I Declare a Tongue War

## I Declare A Tongue War

Caution when Hermione is around; it'll be wet.

This episode picks up about 3/4 of the way through chapter 5 and continues until the end.

## Episode Summary

Draco and Hermione conclude their vibrating broomstick ride with some very wet sex by the side of the Black Lake.

## Notable Moments

* Grass...feels like grass? Or sometimes like a cloud.
* Lyndsay's definition of romance: being hit by electricity while taking shelter under a tree in a storm.
* Hermione breaks out the science foreplay
* "1,2,3,4, I declare a tongue war" ~ Danny, with his tongue sticking out of his mouth.
* Hermione is very aware of her wetness level at all time.
* Lyndsay repeatedly makes slight heaving noises at the graphic descriptions (e.g. losing his tongue in her folds).
* Tips for giving great oral sex in the wizarding world: speak spells while you're doing it.
* Draco plunges into Hermione causing Lyndsay to proclaim "Ships ahoy!", which Allie mishears as "Chips ahoy!" while Lyndsay actually intended to say "Anchors away!"
* "He dunkaroo'd his penis into her.." ~ Danny
* Hermione's pussy is like a grindylow, grabbing onto Draco's penis.
* "Nope. Nope. Not a blessing. *'Thank God it's clean and inside of me! YAY!'*" ~ Lyndsay, to Draco's assertion that Hermione was blessed that he came inside Hermione.
* There must be a shortage of snack foods at Hogwart's because everyone likes to eat cum.
* Post coital soundtrack: "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith
* Lyndsay celebrates the naivete of teenagers thinking that sex solves all the world's problems.

* Lyndsay reminisces to the time when Doritos flavours were called "Cooler Ranch" and "Nacho Cheesier" and now they're just "Cool Ranch" and "Nacho Cheese".
	+ Danny prefers Cool Ranch, but Allie and Lyndsay both prefer Nacho Cheese.
	+ NOTE: This is not actually true according to the wiki for Doritos. The "Cooler Ranch" and "Nacho Cheesier" flavours were actually a short-lived Doritos variant called "Rollitos". So while they were under the Doritos brand, they were not a flavour of "true" Doritos:
		- *For a brief period in 2004, Doritos introduced new shape and form called "Rollitos", which were corn chips shaped into small tubes, like a regular triangular Dorito was "rolled" up. Rollitos flavors included Nacho Cheesier, Zesty Taco, Cooler Ranch and Queso Picante.*

* "I think that Ron and Harry are finally going to start studying for a goddamn test." ~ Danny
* Allie spoils La La Land.

## Wands Up or Down

Allie: Up

* Tenderness is nice

Lyndsay: Up

* Despite the obsession with wetness

Danny: Up

* No specific reasons given

## Potterotics Shout Outs

* The hosts mention some of the funny locations people have said they listen to the podcast, like Melissa that listens to it in a lab, and decide to query where fans have listened. They hope that she is still employed.
S08E02 - Blackdoor Action

## Blackdoor Action

This is the second episode of Season 8, and it continues with chapter 1 and then begins chapter 2 of "He Who Must Not Be Disobeyed", which was co-written by two Potterotics: BrandonStrayne and Keep\_Calm\_And\_Expecto\_Patronum.

## Episode Summary

What's behind the black door in the back of the sexy club? 'Wulf' gets a bit more than an eyeful to the many wild rooms of sexquirement and meets a mysterious stranger who makes his mood ring turn a brand new color and YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

## Notable Moments

* The hosts decide what their sex club names would be:
	+ Lyndsay: Dame Midriff
	+ Allie: Madame Tramp Stamp
	+ Danny: Giggles (his mask would be the eyes of a smiley face and his drink would be a Hawaiian punch with no alcohol)
* "Babysitter's Nightclurb" ~ Lyndsay
* Some young -Ughorns make an appearance behind one of the mysterious black doors.
* A Prefect's Bathroom fascimile makes an appearance behind yet another door.
* Allie used to love foam parties, and now they're her worst nightmare. So many germs.
* Allie's sex club strategy: Go to the last room because less people probably use it so it's probably the cleanest.
* Danny's sex club strategy: Find the room with the best food spread.
* They joke that the soundtrack would likely be Charlie Chaplin style music, given the time period.
* Gasping Lyndsay
* The hosts conjecture that the Deathly Swallows may be making an appearance in the story.
* When Giggles sees an opera mask, he can't help himself.

## Wands Up or Down

The hosts elect to use a Red/Yellow/Green system for this season to go along with the consent rings featured in the story.

Allie: Green (Up)

* She would pick a light BDSM room.

Danny: Green (Up)

* He's super on board for opera masks.
* All the magic is sexy.
* Liked the room where people were suspending in the air.

Lyndsay: Green (Up)

* Loved the Prefect's Bathroom style sauna room, the suspension room.
* Her room preference is the Pensieve room.

## Potterotics Shout-Outs

* Uncle Aragog's cover of "Toxic" by Britney Spears is played at the end of the episode (was originally played in Q17 - Cockholm Syndrome).
* Chelsea gets a shout out for the Sp(l)ooge! board game that she made and sent in to the hosts.
Patreon Q3E1 - Bros Who F*ck

## Bros Who F#ck

This episodes features the beginning of the story "Gin 'N' Juice" by The\_G0lden\_Sn4tch that will be read for Patreon Quickie 3.

## Episode Summary

Draco gives Harry a very hot and steamy welcome home, but then we discover that not is as it seems, when Draco reverts back to Ginny. Seems Harry has developed quite a dependency on Draco Malfoy's Polyjizz potion.

## Notable Moments

* Unlike our hosts, Harry cannot handle the morning hours.
* Draco may need to book an appointment with his dermatologist.
* Allie thinks it's sexy when someone removes someone else's glasses for them. It's never done anything for Lyndsay.
* Danny's concerned they're going to get the "make-out burps" from inhaling too much air.
* "It is 9:15 in the morning, do not say 'choke-fucked'!" ~ Danny responding to Allie's story premonition.
* "Quivering member" reminds Danny of the quivering apps afraid of being deleted from an iphone.
* Allie has a gigglefest over her "from a ferret to a weasel" joke.
* Allie tries to make "nudies" part of the vernacular. Danny and Lyndsay are not here for it.
* Danny shares his misleading knowledge of ecstacy ruining sex by preventing you from ever having a boner again.
* Hosts want a psychosocial exploration of the effect of Polyjizz potion on relationships.

## Wands Up or Down

Allie: Up

* Sex was great and story is incredible.

Lyndsay: Up

* Up for story and sex

Danny: Up

* Up for initial sex and loved the transition. Loving the plot
S07E05 - "I Would Love to Sit On Your Beautiful Face."

## "I Would Love to Sit On Your Beautiful Face"

Episode Artwork by Noora.

This episode continues "The Girl Who Topped".

## Episode Summary

Ginny does some sexy shopping and then rides her favourite wizard.

## Notable Moments

* Lyndsay hypothesizes that Hermione has a secret business venture in charming sexual toys.
* Danny continues to provide sexy (?) sexy foley sounds.
* Allie crushes dreams that "work naps" are not a thing.
* Harry becomes a British woman when he's aroused.
* Ginny touches Harry with her arm hands.
* Lyndsay wants a remix of their "twat squat" riff.
* "Primed for a queef" are the worst words Lyndsay's ever heard Allie utter.
* "On a scale of 1-Katie Bell, how hard did she come? ~ Lyndsay
* Allie realizes that Voldemort may have watched Harry wank from within their connection...which is a disturbing realization.
* Danny realizes that Ginny also wrote in his diary. Voldemort had way too much personal info about these two.
* Plughorn gets some action

## Wands Up or Down

Allie: Up

* Love the sexy build-up

Danny: Up

* Whole episode of foreplay

Lyndsay: Up

* Likes that Ginny is in control and Harry is on board.

## Potterotics Shout Outs

* Hilary's cover of "Saturday in the Park" by Chicago is played at the end of the episode.
The Pensieve

A section of The Pod in which the hosts recap what happened in previous episodes of the season to catch listeners up to where the next chapter begins. The segment was officially introduced (by that name) in Episode 7 of Season 1, but previous episodes did include a brief recap of previous episodes. It then stopped being officially referred to as "The Pensieve" until the name popped up again in Episode 4 of Season 2, then it was fairly regularly referred to in further episodes.
S3E1 Alternate: Lights, Camera, Getting Some Action

## Lights, Camera, Getting Some Action

This is a special episode released to Patreon subscribers that pledge $10/month or more. It is available to stream from the RSS feed found on the Patreon page.

This was going to be an 18 part season featuring, Hogwarts: A Hedonistic History by dracosoftie, but the hosts ultimately decided that that would be too long for the podcast and went with a shorter story.

## Episode Summary

Draco and Harry are recording a sex tape in the Charms classroom with Luna's help.

## Notable Moments

* "I just want to note that we are 3 minutes in and we have done trumpets twice. If the story is as sexy as our sound effects, you're in for it." ~ Lyndsay
* Hosts joke that there are "ships" flying around, then Danny jokes that it's the "Pansema Canal" in his famous Pansy voice.
* "All aboard! The Hornywarts Express is off!" ~ Danny
* Hosts discuss the dangers of using *Engorgio* on body parts.
* Lyndsay advice: Sex tapes never end well.
* Lyndsay declares herself to be on "trumpet watch"
* "No, Hermione. No one has ever read Hogwarts: A History" ~ Allie
* Danny sneaks in another trumpet at the appearance of Luna.
* Lyndsay wants it to be The Real World: Hogwarts
* Harry is using parseltongue to call out Draco's "snake"
* "Wanton" makes its standard appearance.
* "Get out of the way! Save yourselves!" - must have been a very good orgasm
* Danny screws up the Wands up or down song and is immediately shut down by Allie

## Wands Up or Down

Allie: Up

* Loves the voyeurism and the sex tape

Danny: Up

* Likes the bickering at the beginning between Draco and Harry

Lyndsay: Up

* Loves that they're planning to show this to everyone

## Other Media

* Hornywarts Express Ringtone: Android or iphone
S04E02 - Temptation Unleashed

## Temptation Unleashed

Danny is very excited to relive the 90s via the Crystal Pepsi taste test.

The hosts continue reading "Slipping" by betta329.

Allie promotes her cameo on the "Dean & Davis show".

## Episode Summary

Watching James kiss some random girl at a Quidditch game pushes Lily over the edge and into Sirius' arms.

## Notable Moments

* Musical Opening: "Hooked On Lily" cover of "Hooked on a Feeling"
* The hosts announce that the FB group has surpassed 600 members.
* "Buckle up, Sweetheart" ~ Lyndsay's first thought when approving new members
* Lyndsay proposes a secret "Jasons" FB group for the most active Potterotics.
* Allie and Lyndsay give Danny a blind taste test of Crystal Pepsi.
* Allie has issues reading because she has a gigglefit.
* Lyndsay pulls out the creeper voice about dicks sticking out of short shorts.
* Gasping Lyndsay
* "Go past the course hair; if you hit the huge dick, you've gone too far." ~ Lyndsay
* There's going to be bonin' snow angels
* Lyndsay jokes that it sounds like they're swing dancing.
* The hosts joke that there was no time for joking with all the sexiness.

## Wands Up or Down

Allie: Up

* Super sexy and steamy. Loves the misunderstanding/tension

Danny: Up

* Characters are sexy. Loves the details. The details are incredible.

Lyndsay: Up

* She's seen the light

## Potterotics Shout-Outs

* Chelsea's linguistics theories are mentioned by Lyndsay as she tells the story about the discussion of the spell to get rid of ejaculate and whether "sp(l)oogify" would clean it up, or increase the volume.
Ulrike

This total star of a Potterotic was PIVOTAL in putting together this wiki. Without her, this project probably would have shrivelled up and died (like Lyndsay's libido in season 1). At a minimum, it would have taken WAY longer to get caught up on everything! \*Standing ovation for Ulrike\*

NOTE: pronounced ool-REEK-eh, for all of us North Americans that aren't familiar with the name!

## Contributions

* Admin of this wiki
* Collection of word aesthetic wallpapers for computers and mobile devices available here.
* Cover of Friends theme song
* Potterotics Wands Up song

## Shout Outs

* S05E06 - Can You Zerophil the Love Tonight? - Thanked for her contributions to the wiki
* Q12E01 - Bone Appétit - Cover of Friends theme song was played.
* Q14 - Professor Cumbridge - Potterotics Wands Up song was played
* Potterotica LIVE! @ ECCC: Think Inside Her Box
* S07E02 - Happy BirthLAY - Potterotics Wands Up song is played again.
Monthly Writing Challenge

This is a monthly challenge of slightly longer form fics held in The Pen15 is Mightier FB Group. The requested fiction length is generally between 3000 and 10000 words. The fics are posted on a relevant fanfiction site (e.g. AO3, or FF) and then a link to the fic is posted as a comment in the Facebook thread.

The first two contests were monthly, but starting at the third challenge, the challenge was extended to span 3 months, and the maximum word count was extended to 15000.

A "best fic" award, The Golden Stiffie, is issued for fun and the winner's name is added to a plaque in The Trophy Room. Starting with the second challenge, additional category awards were voted on, with the "overall winner" going in the Trophy Room.

## Monthly Writing Challenge Anthologies and Winners

### Challenge 1 - Croyle (AO3 Collection Link)

* Winner: Revelio by Keep\_Calm\_And\_Expecto\_Patronum

### Challenge 2 - 3 Characters and a Baby (AO3 Collection Link)

* Funniest Moment, Best Humour, Best Character Chemistry, Best Smut, Sexiest Moment and Overall Favourite: Will You Please Just Grow Up...Again? by BrandonStrayne
* Best Portrayal of Character: Lily's Day Out by Hufflepuffhomemaker
* Most Unique Plot: Revertere by scintilla\_misha
* Fluffiest Moment: Family by Sanriah
* Best Plot Twist: Three Wizards and the Mysterious Package by raven\_fair\_slytherclaw
* Best Romance: Three Grumpy Gits and a Baby by Keep\_Calm\_And\_Expecto\_Patronum
* Best Execution of Prompt: With Child by Drarryismymuse

### Challenge 3 - Vacation (AO3 Collection Link)

* Summer Lovin’ (Best Vacation Romance), Native Tongue (Best Character Dialogue), Wish You Were Here (Most Exotic Location), Best. Vacation. Ever. (Favourite Overall): Forgetting Hannah Abbott by Nymphadorable
* Sex on the Beach (Best Smut), New Discovery (Pairing I Didn't Know I Needed): Swinging at Shell Cottage by Hufflepuffhomemaker
* Sunburn (Most Heartbreaking Moment), Once in a Lifetime (Most Unique Plot): Eruption of Love by BrandonStrayne
* National Lampoon (Funniest Moment): Sun Kissed by GhostGaze
* Summer Blues (Best Angst): Lover, love me good by TheRogueLibrarian

### Challenge 4 - Crossover (AO3 Collection Link)

* Best Romance: just you and i, defying gravity by theheadgirl
* Best Smut and Pairing I Didn't Know I Needed: Hunted by Drarryismymuse
* Best Angst and Most Heartbreaking Moment: Baptism By Fire by Keep\_Calm\_And\_Expecto\_Patronum
* Best Character Dialogue, Most Unique Plot, Best Execution of Prompt, and Best Overall: Fast 9¾ by BrandonStrayne
S06E03 - Lip-locked In

## Lip-locked In

Episode Artwork by Dave

This episode continues with "I Really Really (Really Really Really) Like You" by Potterotic teenage\_hustler.

## Episode Summary

The magical house continues to display a questionable understanding of consent as it arranges for some surprises in the shower and a locked kitchen door that only a sexy lip-lock will open.

## Notable Moments

* Musical Opening: Kiss the Witch (parody of Kiss the Girl)
* Allie's hair secret: comb it with a fork (she may also be part seagull)
* If this fic was made into a movie, it would be called How to Get Out of a House in 10 Days.
* The Hosts recruit more Dongs for their doomsday cult.
* The house needs a crash course in consent.
* Nothing is better than Danny doing Pansy being french.
* Pessimistic Pansy brings the mood down talking about her dead family.
* Ron is carbo-loading before sex; he must have taken a page out of Cedric and Cho's playbook.
	+ Pasta means Penis!
* Apparently in Pompeii it was good luck to have a penis carved into your home. That's why Allie got one tattooed on her back.
* Allie's husband apparently advocates chili and cinnamon rolls as a combo.
* Pasta Bake is the best way to bring former enemies together and also fueled a lot of this episode's jokes
* Lyndsay proposes that a magical house would warn you if you brought someone home that was wrong for you (like by making the bed terribly uncomfortable)
* Danny teaches Allie about "The Naked Man"
* Allie's strange pronunciations/lexicon continues, this time apparently calling home base "gool"?

## Wands Up or Down

Allie: Up

* Likes Ron overcoming his hesitancy

Danny: Up

* Love that the kiss couldn't be done halfway and they really needed to get into it.

Lyndsay: Up

* Loves that Ron is getting back up there and his love of bread.

## Potterotics Shout Outs

* Drunk Divinations:
	+ Trista - WhoreHouse Hunters
	+ Alyssa - New House, Old Enemies
	+ Annie predicts a "Big Brothel" type situation
	+ Seb predicts a housewarming party with a Fred/George Property Brothers inspired crossover
	+ Hannah predicts Pansy seduces Ron in the library
* Hilary's prediction is played as a singalong video at the end of the episode. Performs a cover of "Be Our Guest" from Beauty and the Beast.

## Other Media

* Danny's "Et Voila" moment ringtone (iphone or Android)
Q12E02 - Blow Your Carbo-load

## Blow Your Carbo-load

Image by Dave

This episode covers the second half of the story "Cedric Submissive" by PotterParadise16.

## Episode Summary

Cho and Cedric move their evening into the bedroom and Cho shows Cedric who's boss.

## Notable Moments

* Cho channels Britney Spears
* Cho carboloaded earlier to power her striptease.
* Gasping Lyndsay
* Cho uses the extra pasta as bonds in the bedroom.
* Cho dancing the macarena and making Cedric watch.
* Allie contemplates her future in audiobook narration (master of accents)
* First 69 position! It's surprising that this is just happening now.
* Allie balks at THOSE "lips"
* Allie and Lyndsay both balk at cocks being described as "purple"
* Allie is concerned about pregnancy.
* Allie theorizes that they were just role-playing a "first date" scenario earlier.
* Cedric is on board the Cho train.
* Allie is relieved we had our first 69 and our first pasta. Took too long!

## Wands Up or Down

Allie: Up

* Likes dom/sub and first 69.
* Good, fun, consensual BDSM.

Danny: Up

* Liked the show she put on
* Have to keep it interesting after 2 years

Lyndsay: Up

* There for the noodling, thought there was endless pasta-bilities. Fettucine Alfred-cho.
* Breadstick to the sky!

## Potterotics Shout Outs!

* Voicemails left by Eric, Carolina, Ali, Melinda, Allysa, and two Mystery Potterotics (didn't say their names) played.
S03E06 - Floo-ty Call

## Floo-ty Call

Possible representation of Stanton's cock.

The story for this season is "The Critiquer" by dysonrules and this episode continues with part 2.

## Notable Moments

* Musical Parody of "The Sign" by Ace of Base.
* "Danny's looking at us like he's never heard of sex before." ~ Lyndsay
* "You know what's probably worse than not getting any D? Hearing three people talk about not getting any D." ~ Danny
* Lyndsay feels like Drew Barrymore from Never Been Kissed, talking about all this "D".
* The hosts plot out an elaborate ending to the story involving a surprise reveal of Harry's identity on either Ellen or Oprah.
* Draco is showing disturbing similarities to Lorena Bobbitt for a minute. Would be ironic if he avoided Azkaban for the whole Death Eater thing, but gets sent there for pulling a Lorena on his ex, Stanton.
* Intense Gasping Lyndsay (and Allie)
* Danny puts a kibosh on the revenge porn discussion. They've finally discovered Danny's hard line in the sand.
* Lyndsay compares Stanton's short cock to a lego piece. Danny advocates for acceptance of all shapes and sizes.
	+ "I just threw up in my mouth." ~ Allie
	+ "The vaginal equivalent of stepping on a Lego." ~ Danny
* Allie's gigglefest at the Lego continues through Danny's reading.
* Lyndsay proposes a Floo version of chat roulette.
* Hey. Hey. Hey. U up? ~ Danny
	+ "What...is happening?" ~ Lyndsay
	+ "You've never been sexted?" ~ Danny
	+ "I thought you were having a seizure!" ~ Allie
* Donate to the Cockstarter to make the Spanky Hanky come to fruition!
* Dense Harry Moment: "I'll show you the bedroom to show you the decor" ~ Lyndsay
* The story veers into HGTV territory.
* "I do declare! Oh Harry! Is this your hankerchief?" ~ Lyndsay, impersonating Draco's Scarlett O'Hara moment.
* AWOOOOOOGA! All the hosts regale that the boys finally kiss.
* Danny whisper shouts "Malfoy!"
* The best clickbait: Pathetic Crush Leads to Assault!
* Draco can pin it on Jason...who?
* Allie wonders whether you could match a dick amongst hundreds of others. Danny points out that Draco is a professional with a refined palette.

## Wands Up or Down

Allie: Up

* Felt Love Actually-like

Lyndsay: Up

* Pushed against the door is a nice move.

Danny: Up

* Love that Draco is out of control a little bit. Acting impulsively
Dave

This Potterotic may have been somewhat late to the party, but he brought the fun with him! He has been prolific in creating new images to go with a lot of the episodes and was even kind enough to permit us to use them on the wiki. He's a star!

## Contributions

* The AllStar remix
* The Padfoot's Best Friend's Girl remix (pictured below)
* 2018 Calendar

## Shout Outs!

* Q12E01 - Bone Appétit - AllStar song was played
* S07E02 - Happy BirthLAY - His song, "Padfoot's Best Friend's Girl" is sun by Mitch and played at the end of the episode.

## Photo Gallery of Creations

Sexy Easter Draco by **Dave**A collaboration between **Dave** and ChelseaA collaboration between Emily, **Dave**, and ChelseaCover art for Teen Sex Dream by UncleAragog78Lyrics by UncleAragog78, Photo by DaveA collaboration between Dave, Chelsea and JillAugust 2018, a collaboration between Dave and ChelseaSeptember 2018, A collaboration between Dave and Chelsea
S01E02 - It's a Bathe Off

## It's A Bathe Off

Chapter 2 is entitled "Quid Pro Quo"

## Episode Summary

Snape suggests a quid pro quo exchange. Hermione watched him bathe; now it's his turn.

## Notable Moments

* The podcast is still Allie and Lyndsay's "dirty little secret" at this point (i.e. they have not shared it with their family.)
* Lyndsay continues to be repelled by the description of Snape's body. This time, his yummy **belly**.
* Hogwarts is so far ahead of its time with gender neutral bathrooms
* Lyndsay was channelling Hermione's spirit with her, "Hey!"
* Snape is a tease with his Full Monty.
* Dubious Consent: blackmailing a student is not cool Snape! Hermione's very concerned about her grades!
* Snape loves to watch women bathe their *functional* bodies. It's a vicious cycle of getting clean while simultaneously feeling dirty.
* Allie and Lyndsay continue to expand their Brit-centric vernacular with "dead to rights"
Undapants!

This joke is in reference to Allie's mispronunciation of the word "underpants"...and just generally her use of either variety of the word. The joke first cropped up in Episode 3 of Season 2 when Lyndsay was hypothesizing that the magical black cloth that cropped up in the story may be some kind of sexy garter belt that Draco put on Hermione. Allie then countered that it could be sexy underpants, or "sunderpants" adds Danny or "nonderpants". Lyndsay then says that any other word could be sexy, but not underpants as it invokes images of potty training.

Later in the episode, Danny improvises a Wands Up or Down song (which has not yet been done) and Lyndsay then improvises an alternate version containing the line "check your undapants", which becomes part of the version they regularly sing.

"Allie's turning this into the NotErotica Podcast" ~ Danny

## Referenced In

* S02E03 - A Field of Naked Malfoys (origin)
* S02E04 - Pansy Raid
* S02E05 - The Vibrating Broomstick
* S02E07 - Cl!t Hanger
* S02E08 - Sexpelliarmus
* S02E09 - T!ts for Tat
* Q02E01 - New Owl, Who Dis?
* Q02E02 - Fire(crotch)whiskey
* Q11 - Brotherly Lovehorn
S06E02 - Sleeping with the Enemy

## Sleeping with the Enemy

Episode artwork by Dave

This episode continues with "I Really Really (Really Really Really) Like You" by Potterotic teenage\_hustler.

## Episode Summary

Pansy and Ron want nothing to do with each other, but the house has other plans. Things really start to heat up, literally, whenever they find themselves in the same room.

## Notable Moments

* Musical opening number: Colors of the Wind
* "This I'm Danny. This I'm Allie. This I'm Lyndsay." - Danny messes up his intro and Allie and Lyndsay mock him
* Lyndsay can't wait for Ron to get topless and hopefully with a tool belt
* Lyndsay theorizes that Pansy is thirsty and is virtually stalking Ron.
* Gasping Lyndsay - Also provides a running foley track/studio audience throughout the episode.
* Lyndsay appreciates how Danny makes Pansy's dialogue his own by adding little vocal quirks.
* Danny whispers a piece of dialogue, "Two days" and Allie and Lyndsay lose it laughing at it.
* "Who is she? Who is she?" Lyndsay and Allie break down at Pansy's house diagnostics.
* "I know we're doing the Rondemption, but Ron's only job is to not read while he's in the same room as someone else reading." ~ Danny
* "His only job was to not read, and now he's reading." ~ Danny
* Allie and Lyndsay imagine an 80's style sleepover montage for Pansy and Ron to bond.
* "It's like someone with no friends saying, 'I think friends...high five...?'" ~ Lyndsay
* Allie proclaims herself the queen of "dutch ovens". Lyndsay can't stand fart jokes.

## Wands Up or Down

Allie: Up

* Love the charms on the house and waking up in the same bed together and how quickly they got on board with needing to build a friendship

Danny: Up

* Love the magic and where it's heading

Lyndsay: Up

* So much more to explore. Getting Bodyguard vibes.

## Potterotics Shout Outs

* Victoria's song is played at the end of the episode, a cover of Tove Lo's Talking Body.
* The Patreon donors are dubbled "Dumbledong's Army", or "The Dongs" for short
* Gillian is declared "Top Dong" for providing a pared down, lean version of the story for the podcast.
* Runner up for Top Dong (or tied in Lyndsay's opinion) is Mackenzie for photoshopping Lyndsay and Zach Braff's couple photo.
Patreon Q1 - Two Happy Endings - Hurricane Harvey Podcast Pack

## Two Happy Endings

This is a special episode that was included as part of the Hurricane Harvey Podcast Pack fundraising effort. It was not released on the podcast stream and is only available for download after donating to the Indiegogo campaign. This episode features a story by one of our very own Potterotics, Theresa Foree! This story is not posted on any of the fanfic sites on the interwebs, but she has kindly agreed to offer it for download here.

The episode is now also available if you become a $10/month (or more) Patron of the Podcast.

## Notable Moments:

* Danny imagining a house elf climbing the mystery woman (at this point the identity of the woman has not been revealed) like a flagpole.
* "Dobby...Dobby warm you?" - Allie
* "Lyndsay prefers, 'Hey, Dorito-fingers!'" ~Danny
* Allie reveals she has a lower back tattoo that is a Chinese symbol meaning "All is Possible".
* Kool-Aid guy and Matthew McConaughey impersonations
* Snape's silken pubes mentioned
* Allie simulating the loooooooongest, slooooooooowest lick
* Snatch Stop is the female equivalent of Cock Block
* Baseball references ("sliding home")

## Wand Up or Down?

* Lyndsay: Wand up!
	+ Liked that it felt like there were things thrown in just for them; felt personal.
* Allie: Wand UP!
	+ Anything with Sirius and Allie is on board. He's her man!
* Danny: Wand UP!
	+ Also loved that it was written just for them.
	+ Impressed by people's talent and creativity
Patreon Q3 - Gin 'N' Juice

The Patreon Quickiie 3 features the story "Gin 'N' Juice" by The\_G0lden\_Sn4tch. This quickie was released as a Patreon exclusive while the podcast was taking a short hiatus on its regular feed.

This story was written by Laura Bell as a product of her Vice article entitled "My Quest to Become a Harry Potter Erotic Fanfic Writer". She had reached out to the podcast hosts for help in her task and she put her in touch with several Potterotics who she interviewed for the article and who helped her out with her own story.

All 4 episodes of this quickie received a 3 Wands Up rating from the hosts.

## Summary

Draco Malfoy operates a small side business out of his potions classroom where he sells his polyjuice potion to people so they can take it and fuck as him. When Harry and Ginny find themselves relying on this polyjuice to spice up their own relationship, Ginny is left with a difficult decision- but how far will she go to prove Draco Malfoy wrong?

## Relationship(s)

* Ginny Weasley/Cho Chang (Primary)
* Ginny Weasley/Harry Potter (Secondary)
* Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy (Secondary, via Polyjuice potion)

## Episodes

* Patreon Q3E1 - Bros Who F#ck
* Patreon Q3E2 - A Polyjuicy Deal
* Patreon Q3E3 - Masturbate a Mile in Someone Else's Undapants
* Patreon Q3E4 - Wet & Riled

## Notable Jokes, Gags, and References

* Allie's use of "nudies" for naked selfies (Episode 1)
* Ya Burnt! (Episode 3, 4)
* Random Eastern European and Russian accents (Episode 4)
* Gasping Lyndsay (Episode 4)
Tramp Stamp & Deathly Swallows

Allie first reveals that she has a tramp stamp tattoo in Episode 3 of Quickie 2 and the hosts joke that if it "moved" (i.e. magical tattoos), it would change to read "You made a big mistake" or change into a big red "NO!" sign. The hosts float the idea that once they attain the landmark 100 iTunes reviews, they will get tramp matching tattoos. In the next episode, they unveil their matching tattoos, having attained their reviews goal, and they all display matching re-imagings of the Deathly Hallows which Lyndsay dubs the "Deathly Swallows".

Whether these tattoos truly exist is unclear. At one point Allie says that she has a "shame stack" going with "my real one and my...", suggesting that the hosts themselves perhaps drew these on with marker. Lyndsay does mention though that "the artist that did them asked if you wanted it over top..." though, suggesting they are real (they then joke that Allie will have a totem pole of bad decisions documented on her back.)

 A later post on instagram visually confirms that they are fake (or REALLY shabbily done).

## Referenced in

* Q02E03 - Prolongus Ejaculus! - first mention
* Q02E04 - An Unexpected Foursome - Deathly Swallows tramp stamps
* Q06 - Happy Butthole-o-ween!
* Q07E01 - Sugar and Spice and Everything Naughty
* Q16 - Slughornball
* S08E02 - Blackdoor Action
Q08E01 - The Hot and Sexy Loving

## The Hot and Sexy Loving

It's Episode 1 of our 2-part "Bleur" Quickie and about time we questioned, 'what happens when a Veela and a ginger Pseudo-Werewolf get engaged?'....not as uch sex as one would think. See how/if Billf and Fleur can heat things up before the big wedding!

## Previous and Next

### Next

Q08E02 - Dela Dela Bills, Y'all

In this episode our hosts read "For the Very First Time" by Sazula.

## Episode Summary

We learn how Bill and Fleur met, and that they haven't banged yet even though they have been together for two years. Can Moody's death finally light a fire in Bleur's bedroom, or will their Bed Death (or would it be "Bed Failure to Thrive" in this case since it never started?) continue?

## Notable Moments

* "Floor Delacroix" ~ Danny's pronunciation of Fleur's name
* Zabini vs Zamboni vs Zambini - The Zam's families, who may have a feud with The -Ughorns.
* The Potterotics have reached 800 members, and the hosts announce they will read two -Ughorn fics they have received when they reach 1000 group members.
* The hosts fantasize about Potterotics hooking up.
* Gigglefit during the Quickie intro song ("Time for us to read another Dick van Dyke")
* Bill's description reminds Allie that she dated a guy in college who wore one dangly cross earring. Allie may have dated Criss Angel.
* Lyndsay does an amazing French accent
* "FANG WANG!!!" ~ Allie has another gigglefit
* Danny teaches us a French slang word
* Roger Davies can PULL.
* Bill has a Work/Wife balance problem.
* Allie's turned off by "the hot and sexy loving".
* "No dry H-J?? Nothing?!" ~ Allie
* Allie loves frat bro movies. She shares the words of wisdom that "grief is nature's aphrodisiac."
* "NEXT HEX!!!"~Allie
* Allie points out that they literally waited until there could not be more people in the Burrow for them to finally have sex.
* "These folks have magic, and they're destroying shirts." ~ Lyndsay
* The hosts do their best impressions of saying "Please, fuck me" in a French accent. They then start throwing in random french words like croissants and baguettes prior to the plea to be fucked.
* Allie remembers "the hot and sexy loving" in the middle of a sex scene and declares wands down immediately.
* Bill is the orange pamplemousse flavouring, Fleur is the LaCroix according to Lyndsay.
* Fucking is the last stage of grief.
* Allie is sent into a grief spiral every time "the hot and sexy loving" is rehashed.

## Wands Up or Down?

* Lyndsay: Indecisive, down when forced to make a decision
* Allie: Down
	+ "It was just the most old married couple dry sex boring lifeless after grief after a murder....all I could think about was Moody and how he's like...he had to die for them to get some ass."
	+ "It's not like my wand's up, it's more like my eyebrow's up"
	+ Fleur was crying 80% of the time!
* Danny: Up
	+ Up for the sex, up for the characters.

## Potterotics Shout Outs

* The hosts plughorn Chelsea's card game "Cards Against Muggles", a Potterotica twist on "Cards Against Humanity".
* Episode ends with a song by Stephanie's "Read that Sexy Fanfic".
Potterotica LIVE!: Le Threesome

This episode was recorded live at the Chicago Podcast Festival and features the story "Everything He Wants" by jessingaround.

## Episode Summary

Draco wants to give Harry something he's always wanted but never gotten to have for their anniversary.

## Relationship(s)

* Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter/Luna Lovegood

## Notable Moments

* "The Slytherins are in the bathroom doing coke." ~ Lyndsay
* The hosts recount past seasons, quickies, and a few prominent jokes from the podcast.
* The hosts read snippets from five of the zaniest fanfics they could find.
* "Defeat the Dark Lord? Sure. Oral Health? Nope!" ~ Lyndsay
* Danny reads "grabbable" like the "crab apple" (sort of like Bart's teacher in The Simpsons.
* "DOBBY'S GOING IN!" ~ Danny as Dobby
* Danny jokes that he pictures Harry writing very explicit things in the diary from the Chamber of Secrets, so much so that the diary begs not to be told any more.
* Allie and Lyndsay decide to bring back "going all the way"
* Fifth anniversary = "taco"
* "No one wants to admit that they really want to go there, but they do. Like the Cheesecake Factory." ~ Lyndsay, about L'Amour restaurant
	+ "You just ruined another sponsor, Lynds!" ~ Danny
* Wands down at love
* Drinking game: drink every time you hear the word "safe word"
* Lyndsay jokes the safe word is "le safe word". Danny's is "DOBBY'S GOING IN!"
* "Draco tried to smile...'am I doing it?'" ~ Allie and Lyndsay
* "Who's here for soft bodies? Whoo! It's almost winter!" ~ Lyndsay
* "It's starting to make sense! Wands down!" ~ Lyndsay
* "Go right for the nostrils. It's so hot." ~ Allie
* Hopefully Harry doesn't follow Snape's map.
* Lyndsay comes up with their Wizard Rock name, Danny and the B Cups.
* "We do learn a lot from this. My work computer is a mess." ~ Danny
* The Splooge vs. Spooge debate continues.
* "This is like a bad night in college." ~ Allie
* "I touched your Mount Everest on 'your globe'" ~ Danny
* The hosts joke again that Harry's pubes are in the shape of a lightning bolt, since he was a baby.
* Luna is the Golden Snatch.
* "How many guys here are like, 'That was really hard, but now I'm here; what an accomplishment! Hey everyone! Look at the puzzle I just finished!" ~ Danny
	+ "A Jizzsaw Puzzle!" ~ Lyndsay
* Lyndsay works on the sex logistics of where Draco is.

## Wands Up or Down

* The hosts do not state whether their wands are up or down in this episode, but the crowd's is.

## Other Media

* Ringtone of "Dobby's Goin In!" (iphone or Android)

## Other Mentioned Stories

These five stories were also mentioned by the hosts at the beginning and they read out snippets of each. Click on each image to be directed to the story.
S03E08 - Exclusive Daily F*ck Buddy (EDFB)

## Exclusive Daily F#ck Buddy (EDFB)

Thanksgiving dinner flavours feature repeatedly in this episode.

NOTE: Wikia doesn't like the "#" character in page titles, so it has been substituted with an asterisk.

The story for this season is "The Critiquer" by dysonrules and this episode is the final section of part 2.

## Episode Summary

The playful bedroom antics continues, but this time with an abundance of lube. After the sexy times are over, Draco and Harry play a game of relationship chicken and finally learn their "secret alter identities."

## Notable Moments

* Musical Opening: Remix of "No Diggity" by Blackstreet
* Last episode was "more tick(ling), less pics"
* Draco may have practiced his accents in the bathrooms at Hogwarts (I bet Myrtle has some stories to tell)
* Gasping Lyndsay
* Drinking game: drink everytime you hear a phrase that could be the episode title
* As mom always says: Blow jobs are the best revenge
* First testicles. Danny's excited about it, as everyone should be.
* Danny jokes that they've finally found a productive use of Harry's mouth.
* Proposed spell: Flavoured or scented lube. Danny's would taste like Thanksgiving dinner.
* "We're just developing film!....with my dick!" ~ Danny
* Another proposed spell: Jizzus Infusionus - Thanksgiving dinner flavoured jizz
* Lyndsay forgets who Stanton is this time.
* Lyndsay hypothesizes that your dick works like the *priori incantantum* spell and a spectral image of the last person you slept with comes out of it when you come.
* Podcast relationship advice: If you're looking for love, send your dick pics to everyone.
* The -Ughorns reference - Chughorn/Glughorn
* Dean singing "Look What You Made Me Do"
* It's going to take Harry some time to figure out how his photo made it into the magazine again.
* Ending is like It's a Wonderful Life, only with more dick pics
* Fifth time is the charm to do the Wands Up or Down song...or at least as close as it's going to get on this episode

## Wands Up or Down

Allie: Up

* Back into their normal personalities more. Loved their interactions.

Danny: Up

* Just the right amount of lube
* Acted like adults and just committed

Lyndsay: Up

* Cut right to it and leaped into the relationship
* Not cool of Draco to share the picture though
* Mindy got redeemed