Quotes: Season 2

## The Fates: Vanaria (1/24/21)

*At the behest of Judge Von Keimer, the Sages investigate a group called the Sacred Souls and discover The Tower's brother--Vanaria--leading the group.*

**Delilah:** “SHOW YOURSELVES!”

**Sage:** “Hey, how’s it going?”

**Delilah:** “NOT YOU!”

**Sage:** "I'm starting to put the puzzle together."

**DM:** “It’s a puzzle with only two pieces.”

## Spinning the Wheel of Fortune (1/25/21)

*After deliberating with her long lost brother Vanaria, she manages to convince him to shepherd the Sacred Souls to the Aubergine Estate in Koruna.*

**Sage**: “Fuckin chicken.”

**Vanaria:** "You were much hotter in your other body."

**Vanaria, to Brugo**: “How about you, man? Have you ever sold crack? Guns? Unsanctioned school supplies?”

**Vanaria, crying**: “Fuck you man, ordering me around...coming into my place, telling me what to do. **\*angry\*** you don’t know what I’ve been through! **\*sniffles\*** ...come here, man **\*opens arms for a hug\***”

**Delilah, whispering to Brugo**: “Brugo. Please Message them to stop.”

**Brugo**: “...I don’t have Message.”

**Vanaria, crying:** “And you’re a god too, good looking mage dude.”

**Damien:** “I bow.”

**DM:** “NOT YOU, YOU’RE NOT THERE.”

**Delilah:** "Stop, you guys! We can end this peacefully!"

**Armand, huddled with Damien and Sage around jury-rigged explosives:** "Good, because I was not confident in this plan."

## The Judge's Ruling (1/31/21)

*After Renault’s true identity is exposed by Judge Von Keimer, Armand endeavors to walk the safe side of the law.*

**Sage**: Sounds pretty cool.

**Skuda:** Pretty cool for the cavalry, not for the soldiers trampled underfoot.

**Sage:** Not so cool.

**Damien:** I’m sure they have a bakery in this garrison somewhere.

**Judge Von Keimer:** You, Armand, have not paid taxes in TWO HUNDRED YEARS!

**Sage to Damien, \*gravely\*:** And you’re certain a parfait is not a pastry?

**Damien: “**STOP TALKING ABOUT PARFAITS!”

**Armand as a griffin stares at him:** “So now I have a fucking griffin who hates me too?!”

**Armand to barkeep:** “You got any of that good shit?”

**Barkeep:** “Yeah I got drugs.”

**Delilah, drunk:** “Sage, I’m having trouble taking off my armor. Would you help me?”

**\*Aaron mutes on Discord, but screams in the apartment we share\***

## Sir Steven and Paladin Carolyn (2/7/21)

*After journeying more, the Sages add Sir Steven of House Bryon and Carolyn of Glass to the party with the newly added goal of settling old enmities in the Freelands.*

**Damien: “**Ah, my spoon!”

**Damien, speaking to peasants:** “As I pull out my Uzi and perforate them with bullets--”

**Armand, jovially smiling:** “You see those nice people over there? I’m serious--we’ll kill ya.”

**Delilah drops mushrooms to the ground.**

**A nearby peasant gestures, asking if he may take them?**

**Delilah nods and the peasants arms move in a machine gun flurry to collect his prize.**

**Sage:** Do we wanna name the cart while we’re here?

**Armand:** Name the cart?

**Brugo:** Why would we name a cart?

**Delilah:** A cart? Why would we--?

**Damien:** Why would we name a cart?

**Damien:** “My friend Tower over there is actually quite good at collecting mushrooms.”

**Delilah, dead stare, whispering: “**You have made an enemy today.”

**Damien, tending to the horses:** I’m sorry about everyone else. Here you go. Yes, good horse.

*Damien leaves. Sages comes up.*

**Sage, tending to the horses:** Sorry tensions are so high with everyone. You’re a good horse.

*Sage leaves. Delilah comes up.*

**Delilah, tending to the horses:** I’m sorry about all the fighting. You’ve done well. Here, eat.  Why do you refuse this food?

**Sage:** You may regret this today. You may regret this tomorrow. You may regret this a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. But if you die today, you won’t be able to help your Order in the future. You won’t be able to lend good deeds and help them when they need you.

**Delilah:** Dismas, what’re you doing here? And why're you holding that gun?

**Delilah, asleep:** “Gold...gold…”

**Armand:** “Son of a bitch, she talks in her sleep, not me.”

## The Most Ambitious Crossover in D&D History (2/21/21)

*At the Allgod Temple, the gang gets in touch with old gods and new. There, the party is entreated by an Orcus cultist named Margax, in tandem with the Superior Sages, to seek Moodon’s Mages and deny them of whatever their goal is.*

**Damien:** I have Tiny Hut, does that count? Not for the assfucking, I mean.

**Armand, walking into church:** DOES ANYBODY KNOW CYPRESS?

**Armand, praying:** Hey Delilah, it’s me. Just doing a lil pranky-wanky.

**Delilah:** Sage, Brugo? What gods call to you?

**Brugo and Sage are silent.**

**Delilah:** Alright, touchy subject, I see.

**Giuseppe:** The greatness of I, Giuseppe Krakowski--

**Damien:** GIUSEPPE!

**Giuseppe:** AHHHHHHH!

**Damien:** Krakowski!

**Giuseppe:** DUNGMIEN!

**Damien:** Perhaps you could use some inspiration for your next hawking--

**Cleric of Merchant:** My HAWKING?

**Sage:** Delilah can you go over and peep in that door hole?

**Delilah:** Yeah sure i can do that. Ill do it. In fact, I do it right now.

**Skuda:** So be it. TELL ME! HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE FORGE GODS OF VALHALLA?

**Ferryman:** No, I--

**Skuda:** ODIN WAS THE FIRST ALLFATHER--

**Duregar as his invisibility is removed:** Oh you dun fucked up now lass.

## Pruning the Reaper's Crypt (2/28/21)

*The party successfully kills the undead plant creature raised in the Reaper’s tomb by an unknown mage, and suffer a (temporary) loss.*

**DM:** As you look around for the decrepit Damien Bellad--I mean, Giuseppe Krawkoski.

## The Basilisk Brawl (3/7/21)

*The party, with the help of the Vikings, heads to the morose Halli and begins brawling the basilisks that are plaguing the town.*

**Damien, smoking a cigar and licking a popsicle:** I’ve never been so happy.

**Sage:** One of our smiths, Skuda--

**Skuda:** ONE OF YOUR SMITHS? Why don’t I polish your codpiece while I’m at it, Sage?

**Barbarians, singing:** We are PROUD and we are PROUD and we ARE PROUD and we are PROUD!

## 9 Statues and a Party (3/14/21)

*Having successfully killed the basilisks, the party heads back to the Allgod Temple to prepare for the rest of their journey.*

**Delilah, handing basilisk eggs to Nephew:** Now be careful with those!

**Damien armed with basilisk blood:** Ah, Mr. Krakowski! I made a delicious jam for you!

**Damien:** How much for a bowl of porridge?

**Innkeep:** A silver piece.

**Damien:** A SILver piece? A silver piece. I did not know the oats were sown with gold.

**Damien:** Her rage increases her strength, my god.

**Brugo, forced smile:** Alright, who has the wand? I still have two level 3 spell slots.

## The Mage's Joust | Revelry in Riley (3/21/21)

*The party arrives at Riley, seeking a Count who has just gone the other way. They spend a day of revelry and merriment with the townspeople. They receive their reward from Count Burt, who warns Damien of mercenary groups sent to hunt Damien.*

**Sage:** There’s no time like the present to make mistakes.

**Skuda:** What a terrible saying.

**Delilah:** Try saying it in a different language, maybe it’ll sound better.

**Sage:** I--oh, I don’t know any other languages.

**Delilah winds up her arms and points to a woman:** YOU!

**\*After traveling a day to Riley from the Allgod Temple\***

**Delilah:** Could you point us to the Count, please?

**Woman:** Seeing as it’s Sundace and the Count is so pious, he’s gone to the Allgod Temple to pay his respects.

**\*party cracks up at the oversight\***

**Veteran:** Mary Ann, you beautiful bitch, where are you?

**Damien, charging toward Brugo:** PREPARE TO BE SHATTERED, BRUGO!

**Skuda:** It was good to see my armor on the battlefield. That being said, you’re both idiots, and a disgrace.

**Carolyn:** Were I a looser woman, I would’ve thrown a rose to you!

**Brugo:** There’s still time for that.

**DM:** Armand, you look around the tavern with a huge ice cube in your mouth.

**Sage:** I hit him with the Wand of Smiles.

**Sage:** I give him a gold.

**Barkeep:**How generous, the Merchant does flow through you tonight!

**Sage:** I didn’t have any silver, but okay.

**\*a knock at Damien’s door\***

**Lady:** I was wondering if you’d care for another dance, good sir.

**Brugo, from a different room:** IF I HAD WON!

**Damien:** I--ah, yes.

**Damien and Delilah gesture to each other to speak over and over**

**Damien:** GO!

**Count Burt:** If you ever wonder where the gods are, know they reside in Riley.

**Sage:** We can take em!

**Delilah:** Say more Sage!

**Sage:** Until we can’t.

**Delilah:** Alright, say less.

**Damien’s floating waltz with Emiline**

**Delilah:** Y’know, we thought it was really beautiful when Damien did the floating waltz the first time. But the fifth time we see it in a different town, we’ll think it’s really scummy.

## The Assassins' First Move (3/28/21)

*Continuing their journey to Apprenditis Arcamedis, the group is ambushed near Graeme Castle in the middle of the night by would-be assassins. With no one killed, they journey forward.*

**Sage:** You just seem like the most unpopular man in the world.

**Armand:** Uh, thanks.

**Carolyn:** Legends say the Valiant ate 400 weight of waffles purely because the Bard challenged that he could not.

**Armand, casting Prestidigitation:** DRY! DRY! DJU-RY!

**Sage:** My greatgrandfather was turned to stone by a wyvern.

**Delilah:** That’s not true.

**DM:** Is he not associated with the graham comma cracka?

\***Sage hits Brugo’s horse with the Wand of Smiles\***

**Black Dragonborn, pointing:** YOU’VE SURVIVED TODAY BECAUSE OF MY TEAMMATES COWARDICE! \***sullenly walks off\***

## A Fork in the Road (3/31/21)

*Arriving in Forktown, they are greeted by Copper Company and Klshaan sorcerers who hold Joseppi Krakowski hostage. Damien entreats them to spare his life for gold, and the party escapes without having to fight, leaving Joseppi behind.*

**Armand trying to cast Presdigitation:** Wet! Wet!

**Armand:** I whisper the cardinal direction to Sage.

**Sage:** I take my compass out from my belt.

## Skirmish on the Outskirts of Forktown (4/11/21)

*The Sages lay a trap in the night for the mercenaries hunting them. They slaughter some, allow some to go, and others escape their grasp. But without casualties, the Sages weather the attack from the would-be assassins.*

**Armand:** That’s a closed mind talking.

**Matthias as Sir Steven decapitating a sorcerer:** I HATE WOMEN!!

**Sage, as the sorcereresses heads are removed:** NOBODY STICKS TO THE PLAN!

**\*Delilah orders all three of her magma mephits to breathe fire on the rogue\***

**Armand:** Sounds like a CUCK!

**Magma Mephit:** I started my life 20 minutes ago, and i bet im dying in 40 min.

**Delilah:** Oh god, is there anything I can get you?

## Allow Me to Introduce: Professor Magnussen (4/18/21)

*Finally in Aprenditis Arcamedis, Armand has an enlightening discussion with Professor Magnussen, the foremost expert on the Everglacier. If the Sages are able to work things out with the Major, who is leading the Professor’s next expedition to the Everglacier, they will be able to join their journey.*

**Armand:** Listen, old man, I need a book that isn’t cursed.

**Armand:** Can I take a little bit of this? I used to have one but I lost it.

**Professor Magnussen, suspiciously:** I would like to see you eat the rock.

**Mail Clerk:** Is there anything I can do for you, 6 Second Sage?

**Sage:** Yeah I actually came here to get m-mail.

**Mail Clerk:** Yeah we do that here, master.

**Skuda:** Ahem.

**Brugo:** Skuda would you like to dance?

**Skuda:** WOW, what a FUCKING GENTLEMAN!

**Armand tap dances alone to synth music**

## Downtime in Aprenditis (4/25/21)

*As the Sages wait for word of the Major’s arrival in Aprenditis, they do some shopping! They find themselves as the Griffon’s Saddlebag auction, where they accept Lord Percy Jocelyn’s request for aid in masking his tax activities from his father.*

**Brugo:** Do you doubt my roguish expertise?

**Delilah:** No! No, no, no, no. No. No, no, no, no, no. Noooo….Sir Steven?

**Damien:** If you don’t mind, I gotta go get some loose cigarettes.

**Charlene, \*dreamily\*:** Oh wow, loose cigarettes.

**Damien, to the retinue:** I’ve enjoyed your company with us so far, and you’ve pitched the best tents I’ve ever seen, so hear hear to that.

**Sir Steven:** Remind me of your father’s heraldry?

**Johnny Boy:** That bastard.

**Sir Steven:** Remind me of your primary export? Perhaps we can set up a trade deal.

**Johnny Boy:**Rock salt.

**Delilah:** REVEAL YOURSELF SPELLCASTER!

**A bard walks forward:** It was I! Prepare for our duel!

**Delilah proceeds to grapple and terrify the bard**

**Delilah: \*whispering\*** Who sent you?

**Bard:** I thought you were my 5 o clock!!

**Armand:** Von Keimer can’t rule with an iron thumb.

**Delilah:** It’s iron fist.

**Armand:** I said THUMB!

## Intrigue in Aprenditis (5/2/21)

*Damien, with the help of the Sages, stages a concert and exhibition match for the entertainment of the public. Afterward, the Sages' nights are filled with startling developments: Brugo, Armand, and Sage pursue criminals at the scene of a crime, while Delilah receives a letter in the mail revealing her sister Lyla is in Aprenditis. And finally, Professor Magnussen's friends arrive.*

**Damien’s Talent Show:**

**Armand:** Nat 1 on Hot Cross Buns

**Delilah:** Behold my talent! With but one look, I can identify a person’s best features!

**Beginner Mage casts Prestidigitation**

**Delilah:** YES!!!!

**Armand and Delilah duel to a tie.**

**\*Armand puts on his billowing cloak and stands outside the crime scene\***

**Verreth:** “Mr. Lawman, are you sure you don’t wanna bring me in?”

**Ron**: “Why are your handcuffs fuzzy?”

**Delilah:** How was everybody’s night?

**Armand**: Three people died.

**Delilah**: Wha--were they Sir Steven, Skuda, and Damien? Is that why they’re not here?

**Damien is drunk, his hat flattened, outside on a bench, with bags under his eyes and empty wine bottles at his feet.**

**Delilah:** Excuse me, sir, are you Damien of the Sages?

**Damien \*elvis\* :** No, I’m Shake, Rattle, and Roll.

**Shake, Rattle and Roll**, **as Armand wiggles his fingers at him: “**I won't hear your music, magic man-HUAH!”

**Shake, Rattle and Roll as blood pools beneath armands fingernails:** “Thats what we call a sub-dermal hematoma: you’re gonna wanna clear that out with a needle pops-

\*Armands aims rapier at his finger\*

**Delilah slaps Shake, Rattle, and Roll and forces water down his throat:** Remember who you are!

**Delilah points to a random student:** YOU!

**Armand:** Drop that thun thun thun.

**Professor Magnussen:** If you were really Armand, you could eat my mother’s leftover mac and cheese and survive.

**Sir Steven:** The duchess could march out her vampire army--

**Sage:** There’s a vampire army?!

**Sir Steven:** Yes and there’s a lich army to the south--

**Sage:** WHAT?!

**Delilah:** \*slaps herself\* Armand, I could seduce the Major, if you asked me to do it. I could do it.

**Sage:** First of all, I am mostly a suit of armor.

## **A Murder in The Broken Lute (5/9/21)**

*After Delilah sends messages to the town criers, assassins are alerted to her presence. While the party commiserates in the Broken Lute, Armand and Delilah meet with her sister Lyla--only to discover it’s an assassin in disguise. After Armand signals Sir Steven, Sir Steven is able to fend them off--only for them to make off with Armand.*

**Delilah, freeing crows**: Return to where you belong.

**Sage**: Okay ***\*leaves\****

**Damien:** I’ll wait at the inn to receive the ham.

**NPC:** HAM!

**Delilah:** There are three of them, should we ask someone from the party to help us?

**Damien:** HAM! HAM!

**Delilah:** Never mind.

## **Goodbye Aprenditis, Hello Elvish Jungle! (5/30/21)**

*After a harrowing few sessions, the party recover Armand by exchanging the letters sent to the Tower by her siblings. They plan to leave Aprenditis posthaste...through the Elvish Jungle.*

**Skuda:** This is why you don’t cast magic.

**Armand:** I can make water.

## **In-n-Out (6/6/21)**

*The party’s foray into the Elvish Jungle nearly spells disaster. After waiting through the night, with nothing but their wits and heaping amounts of luck, they travel back to Aprenditis after one day’s journey into the Elvish Jungle--all alive.*

**DM as Brugo**: Oh hello Chickadee!

**Bird**: UAHFAWUFNLAWINFALIWNFALIWN \*speaks primordial\*

**Damien:** I saw the big breasted women, but don’t worry Sage, I’m still going!

## **Just One Last Job (6/13/21)**

*Armand and Brugo tackle a job for the proprietor of the Vorpal to secure safe passage for the Sages to Baldur's Gate, where they plan to meet with Marquez Oberon, the mysterious benefactor of Delilah's brother Diachi.*

**Armand:** Brugo I saw you look into me.

**Tower after running through town:** \*panting\* tall,,,tusks….skuda…

**Armand:** \*hand signal to Brugo\*

**Brugo:** We didn’t, I don’t, we didn’t discuss what that means.

## **Goodbye Aprenditis, Hello Open Sea (**6/20/21)

*The Sages hurriedly board the seafaring vessel prepared by the Vorpal's proprietor and set sail for Baldur's Gate.*

**Armand:** I’ll say “Where?” and in thieves cant I say “Where?”

**Frederick the boy:** My mom says I shouldn’t talk to strangers.

**Delilah:** But I’m not a stranger. My name’s Maria.

Damien sends a bag full of gold, three pieces of chalk, and a whistle.

**Damien as Hubert St Vincent:** “Can you promise me you won’t steal my gold? I’ll tip you. I’ve seen some things, man.”