TRP: Goro and Hansel (Wanted)

**IZZY**

[SETTING: Skyport, Day 238.]

The wrought-iron arch had been twist to spell out Whitestone
Mausoleum overhead. Hansel grimaced at it. Fuckin' dramatic swoopy letters, the
metal all rusted and corroded like it'd be exposed to decades of sea air even
though it was on the inland side of the city. Just fucking poorly maintained. A
little oil would fix it right up, he bet.

That was just a distraction, though, from the fact that
they'd come to see Goro's dad's grave.

Hansel had walked across the city with him, arm firmly
around him, restraining himself from just hoisting Goro up and carrying him
there, because he figured at some point that might get annoying or Goro might
get embarrassed about it. Staying right against his side, though. It was
fuckin' weird -- not visiting a grave, just the fact that it was the grave of
Goro's dad, who he'd never fucking met, and they were maybe going to rebury him
in Shepherd Hills with Hansel's dad, who he also didn't fucking know.

It was all just fucking weird.

He'd written down the number Wyn'd given Goro that'd direct
them through the little marble tombs -- some of them privately owned by families
and bearing their surnames, others public and less well-tended-to, all like
little fucking closets with the walls carved or embossed with names and dates.
Fuckin' skeeved Hansel out. Someone better just pitch him in the ocean for the
fish to eat when he died.

V27 was where they were meant to be headed. Looked like it
was probably on the other side of the rolling field, where the mausoleums were
made of a duller gray stone, bodies sorted away alphabetically like so much
paperwork. He frowned and hid it by kissing the top of Goro's head. "You,
uh ... you ready, ahuv?"

**LINA**

"Uh? Um. Yeah." Goro blinked a few times, emerging
from the thoughts he'd been lost in. Of course he was ready. He'd been waiting
to do this for weeks now.

Now that they were here, though, he wondered if he should be
worried.

If he'd fucking chicken out halfway to the grave.

If he'd get emotional, or some shit, when they got there.

He shrugged, even though he hadn't voiced any of that out
loud. "Yeah. Let's go. Come on. Where's this thing supposed to be
at?"

**IZZY**

Hansel kept frowning. Yep. This was fuckin' weird. He wished
there were some kind of way to make sure it was going to be ... all right, but
how the fuck could he do that? Just being here was the best he could do. So he
hugged Goro against him, stared at the number for a couple more seconds, then
jammed the paper back into his pocket.

"Over there, looks like." He jerked his chin to
the gray mausoleums. They stood in a long row and had letters etched into them,
above the arched, open doorways. He started for the one for the Vs, still
feeling like this was fucking impersonal and morbid. "D'you, uh. You want
me to come in with you, or ...? I mean, I will," he added hastily, worried
he'd made it sound like he was trying to get out of it. "Just, y'know,
whatever you need. S'okay if you wanna be alone, or not, either way." He
paused. "I'll be here."

**LINA**

"Uh." Goro pulled Hansel's arm tighter around
himself, not fully processing the question. His eyes darted to the letters
etched over the doorways as they walked. "Fucking clerics. Ponied up the
cash for this shit, but couldn't be bothered to cast a fucking restoration
spell. Lesser Restoration ain't expensive, Hansel. Some would call it fucking
free. I could do it right fucking now. Amari used to do it in alleyways. At the
abbey they said shit like, oh, if we didn't charge for healing, we'd be
inundated, blah blah." He realized he was digging his fingernails into
Hansel's arm, and forced himself to unclench his hand.

**IZZY**

Well, that kind of answered the question without answering
it. Hansel gave a soft mmhm of agreement and stayed with him, kissing his hair
again. "Fuckin' Helmites. S'okay. They'll fuckin' get theirs."

Apparently Jonn had been the one Wyn sent to talk to the old
clerics who'd taken care of Luka -- or fucking not taken care of him, case may
be -- and when he'd found out the details he'd gotten a bit stab-happy. Got
that sharp look in his eye when he told Hansel about it. Hansel figured Goro
might want to do the stabbing, though, and he'd called Jonn off. Got the names,
first. Maybe it wasn't something Goro'd want to do today, or hell, maybe it'd
make him feel better after this shit was done. He'd play it by ear.

**LINA**

"Sure fuckin' will. Hey, you wanna make a trip to the abbey
with me after this? I'm gonna head down to the vault, and take whatever I
fucking please, and when they try and stop me I'll tell them it's reparations.
You know. Since they're the reason I grew up on the street."

**IZZY**

"Oh, yeah. You fuckin' bet." Them and fucking
Jasmilia, anyway. God, he kind of hoped they were never able to find out
anything more about Luka -- what if they found out he was just a bastard too,
only happened to die before he could fuck Goro up? Better to not know. He
thought. Maybe. (Goro preferred to know shit, though.)

They came up on the mausoleum. It was shadowy inside -- a
long hall flanked by cool stone slabs, one cobwebbed window on the far side. It
gave him a bout of slight nausea, the cramped stone space, but he pushed on, ignoring
it, having to shift in front of Goro because the hall wasn't wide enough for
them to keep going side-by-side. Each slab had a small number etched into it
along with the name and birth and death dates, and he glanced across them until
he spotted the twenties, then narrowed in on twenty-seven.

It was flush against the floor, and he tugged Goro over by
the hand, keeping their fingers laced together as he looked down at it.

Luka Voronin. The trite inscription always in our hearts.
Fuckin' bullshit. He used a boot to sweep some fallen leaves and debris that
had blow inside out of the way, then looked at Goro, not sure what to say.

**LINA**

Goro pulled away from Hansel to crouch down in front of the
slab, heart pounding. He blinked several times and looked around, feeling like
he was looking for something, but not sure what.

He ran his fingertips over Luka's name. The slab was dirty,
and Goro felt a weird urge to wash it, even though he wasn't intending to leave
Luka's bones here. Just kinda felt bad that this place had been here almost
Goro's whole life, and Goro hadn't known and hadn't been tending to it.

He could have. It was close enough. This mausoleum would've
made a good spot to get out of the rain when the weather was bad. It could have
been a good hiding spot when he needed somewhere to sleep. He could have come
back to it, again and again, wiping the grave clean every time.

He frowned, looking up at Hansel, then back to the slab,
feeling disoriented.

Didn't matter. He was here to set things as right as they
could get, for now. He slid his pack off onto the floor and dug through it
until he pulled out a crowbar.

**IZZY**

Hansel dropped down immediately to put his hand on the
crowbar -- not taking it away, just offering. "Hey. Y'want me to
...?" Goro might not be able to. Thirty-something years this thing'd been
sealed, and they weren't generally made to pop open and closed any time you
wanted. Maybe he wanted to do it himself, though. Fuck, Hansel didn't know.

**LINA**

"Oh. Yeah. Sure." Goro let go of the crowbar, then
threw his arms around Hansel--best he could when they were both crouched on the
floor--and kissed his cheek and hid his face against Hansel's shoulder, just
for a second, before letting go.

**IZZY**

Hansel wrapped the arm that he could around Goro and didn't
let go until he did, then shifted a little to get the right angle and heaved
the crowbar up to jam it into the crease where slab met wall. The slab made a
grinding sound as he wiggled the metal bar, loosing it up, then gave it a solid
wrench that dislodged it. He managed to brace a knee against it so it wouldn't
be damaged, which he guessed there wasn't really any reason for, but -- just
fuckin' felt like desecration to come in and break shit.

The air that wafted out of the little tomb was sweet and
rotten -- smelled like lavender and roses left to decay in the rain. There
wouldn't be anything left of Luka but bones, but the sickly-sweet, stagnant
scent turned Hansel's stomach a little.

The head of the pale gray burial shroud, wrapped in light blue
ropes, was visible. Hansel set the crowbar down quietly and took Goro's hand
again.

**LINA**

Goro barely registered Hansel taking his hand. He pulled
free almost immediately, dropping to his knees, reaching for the ropes that
bound the shroud. He gave one a quick tug, then triggered his springblade and
unceremoniously began to cut them away. He held the shroud steady with one hand
and sawed a gash in it, then grabbed the two sides and tore it open so
forcefully the ripping sound echoed in the hall.

He tugged the collar of his shirt up over his nose to block
the smell, though it was a bit late for it.

Yup. Sure was a fucking skeleton in there. His jostling of
it had already displaced some of the bones, so he didn't feel bad about
reaching in and picking up the skull. He held it up to the meager light,
turning it this way and that, looking hopelessly for something familiar.

He glanced at Hansel, wondering what he thought of watching
Goro do all this.

**IZZY**

"Hey --." Hansel reached out to stop Goro, then stopped
himself. He was going to say something about it being fucking easier to
transport the bones if they were still wrapped in the shroud, but they could
always redo it, and it was a Helmite shroud anyway with the gray and blue, and
fuck it, if it was important to Goro to see his father's bones, Hansel wasn't
there to object.

He just settled next to him, for whatever Goro needed him
for, leaning towards him.

**LINA**

Goro rested his head on Hansel's shoulder for a second, but
straightened up again before Hansel even had a chance to put an arm around him.
He set the skull carefully on the floor, then crawled back to his pack and dug
through it until he found the box containing his incense.

He worked as quick as he could so Hansel wouldn't have time
to piece together what he was doing. It was a daily routine, anyway, so he was
efficient at it even when he wasn't trying to rush. Open box, set out dish,
place stick, light match, light stick, blow out flame.

And then he had a nice little stream of smoke going.

He picked up the skull again and settled cross-legged in
front of the burning incense. He held it up in front of him and closed his
eyes, head bowed in prayer.

When the skull began to tingle almost uncomfortably in his
fingertips, he raised his head and opened his eyes, blinking away a haze.

"What is your name?" he asked. Best make sure he
had the right fucking bones, first of all.

**IZZY**

Hansel watched Goro work, puzzled. Some kinda ... ritual to
scrub away the Helmite rites, or something, maybe? He didn't have any fucking
idea.

Didn't until Goro asked a fucking question, anyway.

He started to open his mouth again, and stopped. Right.
Yeah. Goro needed to know shit like this -- it was Hansel who wished he didn't.
He stayed quiet, sliding closer to Goro and gently putting his arm around
Goro's shoulders.

After a moment, like it took it (him?) time to wake up, or
something, a disembodied voice that still somehow seemed like it came from the
skull whispered, "Luka Voronin." It was -- a pleasant voice. Kind of hoarse
or raspy, but soft, with a tinge of that Alabaster accent. Hansel guessed the
wood elves who came from near the city had it, too.

**LINA**

Goro had cast the spell. He'd asked the fucking question. It
wasn't even his first time doing this shit. But when the skull spoke--when an
actual fucking voice came out of it--he was so startled, he dropped it.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he muttered, hastily picking
it back up again and checking it over. The mandible fell off and hit the floor
with a clink. Probably wouldn't have stayed attached long anyway, but Goro
still clenched his teeth, guilty and frustrated.

The spell was still in effect, at least. He took a second to
remind himself what his most pressing questions had been. For one, he wanted to
make sure he got the reburial right. "Which god do you follow?"

**IZZY**

Hansel gave another soft hey and slipped his arm down around
Goro's waist, to cup his hands and steady the skull. "S'fine. You got
it."

Still sounding somehow sleepy, the skull murmured, "Silvanus."

**LINA**

"Okay. Okay, uh." Goro leaned into Hansel, his
heart racing and his hands shaking a little. God damn it. God fucking damn it.
He'd been planning this for weeks. There was no reason he should be losing his
shit right now. He knew what he wanted to ask; he'd imagined doing it. Wasn't
even a real soul, or anything. Just talking to a memory.

He was holding his breath, and he let it out in a huff
before he spoke again. "Tell me about your son." Then he clamped his
mouth shut, lips pressed together tight.

**IZZY**

The voice turned warm and fond. "So small," it
whispered. "So perfect. Looks like my brother." And after a second,
it said, "Everything's worth it because of him."

Hansel squeezed Goro tight, blinking rapidly a few times.

**LINA**

Goro closed his eyes and shook his head a few times. Nuh-uh.
Nah. That couldn't possibly be true, whatever Luka fucking meant by it.

Looks like my brother. That'd be Goro's uncle, then. Goro
opened his mouth, about to ask if the brother was still alive. That wouldn't be
good information, though. Could easily be out of date.

"Tell me about your brother," he said instead,
eyes still closed. It was too hard to listen to that voice while staring at
something so lifeless.

**IZZY**

"Valentin," the voice said, still warm, unfocused.
"Val. Baby brother. Good archer. Talks to animals. He ..."

Then it turned troubled, and Hansel felt like the hallway
became a little colder, but it might've just been his imagination.

"Died."

**LINA**

"Oh." Goro choked on the word, his head falling
forward, tears flooding his eyes. He twisted around to hide his face against
Hansel's chest, still holding the skull out with one hand.

**IZZY**

Hansel grimaced, making sure the skull didn't slip away but
curling his arm around Goro immediately, making a fist in his robes to hold him
tight. He carefully slipped the skull out of Goro's hand to set it down, so he
could use both arms and hug him properly, burying his face in his hair to kiss
his head.

He didn't know what to fucking say.

Luka sounded fucking -- nice. Sounded like he loved his
family. Sounded like he had a good one. And he was dead, and his family was
dead. Goro's family was dead. He got to find out about them and then lose them
straight fucking away.

Hansel blinked a couple more times, and murmured, "I
got you," for whatever it was worth; "It's okay, I got you."

**LINA**

Goro nodded a few times, holding tight to Hansel and forcing
himself to breathe slow. It was okay. He was alright. Just talking to a memory;
it didn't fucking change anything. He'd walk out of this place in a bit and
he'd still have the same life he'd built for himself, all the people he loved
who made it worth living.

He gave himself a minute to get calm again, but the spell
was going to wear off soon. He straightened up and kissed Hansel's cheek.
"I got one more question," he said, breathlessly. "One
more." And he twisted around, tugging against Hansel's arms--reluctant to
let him go, he could tell--so he could reach over and pick up the skull again.
He held it out with one hand, keeping the other on top of Hansel's arm, hugging
it close to himself.

He thought of asking about Jasmilia, but then decided he'd
rather fucking not. You could learn a lot about someone by asking them about
the people they loved, but he figured the answer would be either frustrating
(if he was singing her praises) or fucking depressing (if he knew what she was
really like).

God, though. There were so many other goddamn possibilities.

What do you look like?

Who are your other family members?

Where did you grow up? What was it like?

Goro could ask him what his fucking favorite color was. What
he liked to eat. What he liked to do.

He'd have to cast this spell again later, he decided. There
was just too much he wanted to know. So, yeah. One of these days, on the way
back to Shepherd Hills or wherever, he'd make sure he had plenty of time and
magic left and he'd curl up with his old Pop's skull, ask it everything his
heart desired.

But for now, he decided it'd be best to go back to the
questions that had been weighing most heavily on him the past few weeks.

"What do you hope Goro will be like," he asked,
blinking, "when he grows up?"

**IZZY**

Hansel squeezed Goro, kissing the back of his head, while
the skull was quiet as if it had to collect its thoughts. Maybe it was a
complicated question. These things weren't ... real, in some way, he knew, but
he didn't really get what they were instead.

The quiet voice let out a small sigh, and he couldn't quite
tell if it was sad or contented. "Kind," it said. "And clever,
like Mia. I know I won't be there. I hope he takes care of his family. And he's
happy, and safe, and grows up knowing I loved him."

Then the little hallway grew unseasonably warm, and was
filled with the scent of pine sap and a sound like wooden windchimes blowing in
the breeze, and just as quickly, it'd faded.

**LINA**

Goro set the skull down, shakily.

He turned around and threw his arms around Hansel, face
buried, clutching as tight as he could. His breath hitched a few times, and he
squeezed even tighter. Every ounce of strength he had, which admittedly wasn't
a lot. But he was grateful for that--grateful that no matter how viciously he
held on, Hansel could take it. He never winced or gasped or tried to peel Goro
off.

So Goro got to hold as tight as he needed, for as long as he
needed.

Kind. Well, not really.

Clever, like Mia. Yeah, he fucking guessed he had that going
for him.

It was her fucking fault he hadn't known Luka loved him. She
could have told him. She could have kept him, and cherished him--

Nah. Nah, he wasn't gonna go down that road today. Too bad.
Fuck her. He had Amari, anyway. And now he had Hansel, who made him happy and
safe. Took me a while, Pa, but I finally got there.

Pa? Dad? Father? Who fuckin' knew. Maybe that'd be one of
the questions he asked next time he cast the spell.

His arms were getting tired, but he didn't let go.

**IZZY**

Hansel held him and kissed his head, staring at the skull.
It felt colder, now, because of the wave of heat that'd washed by them. Made
him think of the forest, the pine forest out closer to the mountains back home,
where the Lady lived. Didn't she have wooden chimes outside the windfall? Maybe
he was just coming up with that.

That scent and sound and feeling of the forest, though -- he
wondered what that was. Some impression of Luka, maybe, the sense or essence of
him. Or the edge of the afterlife he was resting in, now, a breeze from
Silvanus's wood as the shade of him returned there.

Hansel wondered if Yehuda was there, too.

He just kept kissing Goro's hair, crushing him against his
chest, and didn't say anything. He wanted to ask if Goro was ... okay, or happy
with his answers, or ... Fuck, he just didn't know.

**LINA**

When his breathing had evened out, Goro turned his face to
the side, blinking to clear his eyes. Well, this had fucking turned into more
of a thing than he'd expected it to. They'd been here a while. Was gonna get
dark soon.

"Fuck," he said quietly. "I'm... I'm glad I
brought you."

**IZZY**

Hansel thought about teasing, Like you could've got rid of
me, or reassuring, Yeah, of course, whatever you need, but neither of them
seemed adequate, somehow. He didn't know what the hell would be adequate.
Didn't think there was a fucking rule for this specific fucking scenario.

He was glad Goro wasn't fucking alone for this. Glad he got
to be the one who was here with him. Glad that -- Goro had someone to bring,
whether it was Hansel or not, that he had someone he felt comfortable hiding
against. He guessed maybe that was what Luka had meant -- what he'd wanted.

And Hansel was selfish, because he kept fucking wondering
what his dad would've wanted for him.

He gave a soft mm against Goro's hair, torn.
"Couldn't've kept me away once I found out you were gonna fuckin' talk to
him, shemeshi."

**LINA**

"I was afraid you'd try and talk me out of it. That's
why I didn't tell you." Felt a little guilty for that, now. Hansel
probably should've been clued into the fact that he'd be watching his boyfriend
lose his shit talking to a skull.

**IZZY**

"Yeah, well. Might've," he admitted, then
hesitated. "You ... glad you did it, though?"

**LINA**

Goro nodded emphatically. "Oh yeah, real glad. Real
glad. Gonna do it again, I think, later, but ask... smaller questions." He
sniffed. "'M sad now, though."

**IZZY**

"Okay."

Yeah, he'd figured. Just wanted to be sure it hadn't been a
fucking mistake, that he wouldn't need to try to gently talk Goro out of doing
it again -- if it just fuckin' upset him, if he didn't like the answers he got,
Hansel didn't like the idea of having to sit by and just let him be upset, but
he didn't want to argue over it, either.

This was ... probably the best outcome. Goro was probably
going to be fucking sad whether Luka seemed like an asshole, or seemed like a
good person who he could never meet.

He cuddled Goro closer against him, resting his cheek on top
of Goro's head. "I'll be there next time, too, then."

**LINA**

Goro breathed out, feeling himself relax the rest of the
way. He nodded. God, he was so grateful. For... a lot of things, at the moment,
but in particular, the weird fucking miracle that was Hansel loving him. He
didn't seem to ever get sick of Goro needing that love, either. So many times,
he'd had to hold Goro and reassure him, and it felt warm and real every time.

"Thank you," Goro said, even though that was barely
scratching the surface. It was a start. "Y'know, I don't... I don't know
if you'd be interested in this kinda thing, but... you know where your dad's
buried, right? If you ever wanna ask him something, I could... I could cast
this spell for you."

Eh. Seemed like it wouldn't really be Hansel's thing. But
Goro had to offer.

**IZZY**

Hansel felt himself pale. He glanced off to one side, not
able to respond for a moment, then mumbled, "Wouldn't know what to ask him."

Hey, Yehuda. Did you love my mom? Did you want a kid --
would you have loved me? Does your family know I exist? Would they want me,
either? Do you blame my mom for what happened to you? Do you blame me?

**LINA**

"I can--" Goro started to say I can cast it more
than once, ask him everything you can think of, but he snapped his mouth shut.
"Uh. I can... help you come up with stuff." Although, Goro might
not've filled Hansel with confidence in his question-picking ability after this
display. "Or not. I don't know. I just... the offer stands, is all. I won't
mention it again."

**IZZY**

"Nah, nah, I mean --." He cut himself off,
struggling to put it into words. He didn't want Goro to feel like he couldn't
say shit, and if he didn't offer again, Hansel would probably just fuckin' be a
coward and pretend he'd forgotten about it. Easier that way, yeah, but --
didn't mean it was necessarily better.

"I mean," he tried again, "y'know, fuckin'
... If I don't ... like the fucking answers, I don't ..."

Marion was a fling, I regret everything, you were a mistake,
I died because of you, Marion's life was ruined because of you --.

He held Goro tighter.

**LINA**

"Oh." Goro kissed his cheek. "Um. I could...
just ask the questions for you, and then decide if..." Huh, would that
work, though? Goro knew if he had someone else do that for him, the curiosity
would fucking drive him nuts if they said Trust me, you don't wanna know.

**IZZY**

Hansel made a low, uncertain sound. "Yeah. Yeah, maybe.
I dunno. I mean, if you told me I didn't wanna fuckin' know, then I'd fuckin'
know, yeah?"

**LINA**

"Yep. Yeah." Goro ran a hand over Hansel's chest
as he leaned against him, thinking. "I could tell you he didn't answer.
That happens a lot with this spell, actually. Sometimes they don't say shit."

**IZZY**

Hansel considered, hesitating. "Ehh. Nah, 'cause --
then if you told me that I'd fuckin' wonder, and if he really hadn't answered I
wouldn't know if you were being honest, or -- nah." Fuck. He guessed if he
was going to do it he'd just have to fuckin' do it.

**LINA**

Goro smiled faintly. "I mean, you don't gotta fucking
explain it to me. I always wanna know shit."

Which brought him back to Hansel's initial concern, of not
liking the answers.

"I guess, the thing is... if I hadn't liked what Luka
said to me just now..." He squeezed Hansel a little tighter. "I'd be
no worse off than I was before, you know? I'd still be someone who grew up a
fucking street kid, without a mom or a dad. It's a little weird to say it now,
but I actually always thought my dad was probably still alive. He'd just fucked
off and left me, or maybe didn't even know I existed. So, y'know, if I'd cast
my spell just now, and got what amounted to a fuck you, I'd just say, well,
fuck you too, pal."

He frowned. "Don't get me wrong. It'd fucking suck.
Wouldn't be happy about it. But I wasn't happy most of my life already. I guess
I'm just saying, I didn't have anything to lose, by asking. But I did have
something to maybe gain. So that made it worth it, no matter what he could've
said."

And he'd gained something, alright. Definitely fucking worth
it.

Fucking weird, to think he'd always imagined his father as
the less loving of his two parents. Sorry, Dad, he couldn't help thinking.
(Father? Pa?)

**IZZY**

"Mm." Hansel mulled that over. He didn't think it
worked like that, for him. He thought maybe he preferred being able to pretend
like there was a possibility, a world where Yehuda hadn't been fucking
murdered, and had raised him instead of Elijah, and Marion had gotten to be
happy, and he hadn't grown up fucking afraid of everything, all the time,
because he had a dad who'd protected him, and ...

He wasn't sure how to say that without sounding fucking
pathetic. Or having Goro just argue with him for wishing there was a version of
himself that wasn't like this.

**LINA**

Goro waited for Hansel to have something more to say, but it
just wasn't coming out. Goro knew he was thinking fucking something, though. He
felt all... balled up, that way he got sometimes, when he didn't want to say
something.

Goro kissed his cheek again. "Hey. This is something
we've got in common, you and me. The dead-dad-we-never-knew thing. Whatever it
is you're wondering right now, I'm pretty sure I can relate."

**IZZY**

He made another noncommittal sound. Yeah, relate, probably
-- wasn't like Goro tended to be a fuckin' fan of himself, either. Best fucking
person ever, though, apparently.

Hansel shifted. He could feel the fucking abject misery
coming on, the kind that just kept feeding on itself, the kind that was so
fucking hard to get out of. Fed on the certainty that if he tried to brush
Goro's careful attempt at a question aside, he'd question more, push harder,
everything would get worse.

He held Goro tighter again. Didn't want this to be a fucking
thing. Goro was the one that'd just talked to his fucking dead dad. He needed to
say something, one way or another. (Thinking like this was making it worse. He
was making it worse.)

**LINA**

Goro kept waiting for Hansel to say something. Hoping. But
nothing came. He breathed out, crumpling a little. He pressed his forehead
against Hansel's chest. "I wish you'd talk to me, ahuv." He closed
his eyes. "Wish you'd just..."

Tell me everything. Let me in. Trust me, all the way.

He stuck his thumb in his mouth for something to bite down
on. Then he spat it out just as quick. "S'alright if you can't,
though," he said. "I get it."

He wasn't sure he really did, though. And he wasn't sure it
was alright. It fuckin' hurt. But he didn't want Hansel to feel bad.

**IZZY**

(He kept making it worse. He was making it worse. He made
everything fucking worse.)

Hansel swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut. Calm down.
Settle. He could breathe; he was fine. "I just," he tried.
"Don't." You don't fucking what, Commander? Spit it out.

He let out an uncomfortable breath and tried to backtrack to
where he'd been before it got fucked up and muddled in his head. Yehuda not
wanting him. Blaming Hansel and his mom for getting him killed -- or blaming Hansel
for happening and ruining Marion's life along with getting him killed.

"Just seems like -- there's a lot more possible fucking
things that I wouldn't wanna hear and wouldn't wanna know," he said
carefully, sort of figuring out the words as he went. "Seems like -- it's
more likely he didn't, y'know, fucking want me, and didn't love my mom, and
would've ... probably rathered none of it ever fucking happened, and ...
s'easier to just ... pretend he's not like that and think maybe I could've had
it better. Like there was a fucking possibility, at least, of -- y'know."
More softly, he added, "But if I could -- fucking know for sure that I'm
wrong, I just -- I dunno if the disappointment'd be worth it if I'm not."

**LINA**

Goro bit his tongue while he listened, giving Hansel the
space to explain himself. He was so fucking relieved Hansel was talking at all.
Felt like... something delicate. Something he had to touch carefully, or it
might shrink away.

When Hansel finished, Goro just hugged him harder to start with.
Couldn't go wrong with that.

"I getcha," he said quietly, a minute later.
"The-- the possibility. Yeah. Wasn't quite true what I said before, was
it? I did have something to lose. Coulda lost that." He thought for a
moment. "Still felt worth it, to me, but I don't fucking blame you if you
don't wanna risk letting go of it. I don't blame you one bit."

**IZZY**

"Mm." He was fine. Okay. Yeah, this was fine. He'd
said the right thing, or something, somehow. He relaxed, a little. That made it
... easier, somehow. "Kind of always thought, y'know -- no orcs in
Shepherd Hills. Probably -- fuckin' raiders attacked the town, or something,
and ..."

He trailed off. He'd fucking assumed all his life that his
father was some horrible fucking scumbag who'd attacked his mother, but saying
it out loud had always made him too uncomfortable.

"And maybe that was why people fuckin' looked at me the
way they did, and shit. But he was a fuckin' merchant, he was harmless, and
that's -- a lot fucking better than what I had before, and --." He
faltered again. "Y'know, fucking losing that'd ..." Again. "But
if he was a good fucking person and shit, and I never found out, then -- I
could feel better, and ..."

**LINA**

"Ah. Hansel." Goro kept on hugging him tight.
Goddamn, he should try casting that spell on himself sometime, the bull's
strength thing. Just so he could hug Hansel and never get tired. "Your
mom... your mom... she told me he was gentle. And clever. I think he was a good
person, ahuv. I don't think that part's a mystery."

**IZZY**

He made a low dissatisfied sound. "S'pose. Could've
been a nice fuckin' person and not -- fucking wanted me, and -- not thought I
was fuckin' worth dying for," he mumbled.

**LINA**

Goro opened his mouth to say something, but forgot it
straight away.

Everything's worth it because of him, Luka had said.

He needed another fucking minute, thinking of that. He
closed his eyes and rested against Hansel, breaths shaky again. Remembering how
Morgan said Luka had kept working, even as he got sicker, to support Mia when
she was pregnant.

He wasn't sure that was a good thing to know, after all. His
father working himself into the ground, for his sake.

Hansel would be safe from knowing that much, either way.
"The spell, it doesn't... you don't get to talk to their soul, exactly.
It's an animating spirit. It only knows what it knew in life, like talking to
someone's memory. He wouldn't... know you."

He wouldn't know Hansel existed, more precisely. Felt
fucking harsh, putting it that way.

**IZZY**

Hey, Yehuda, he could ask, d'you want kids? D'you want some
half-orc bastard with a human girl you barely know? D'you want fucking racist
townsfolk to lynch you for it or would you rather fucking live?

Hansel felt like he knew the answers, though. Even if --
Yehuda wanted kids, even if he'd wanted them with Marion, Hansel hadn't been
fucking planned. Luka sounded so fucking ... happy, and proud, and hopeful,
even knowing he'd never see Goro grow up. Just knowing that he existed, and
looked like his brother. Maybe Hansel had an uncle he looked like, the way he
looked like Marion, the way Leigh looked like Elijah -- maybe Hansel looked
like Yehuda in ways he'd never know about. Maybe someone would love him for
looking like his father.

Or maybe they would fucking hate him. Maybe they would be
full of fucking fury on Yehuda's behalf, because Yehuda couldn't fucking feel
anything about Hansel, because he didn't know he'd ever been. Hansel wasn't
anything. He wasn't even an idea.

He gave a small, distressed mm and clung to Goro, dropping
his face onto Goro's shoulder. The panicky feeling again, knowing he needed to
say something, and the sense that he was making this about him, that he was
selfish, he was doing it again and he needed to get his shit under control and
be here for Goro, not get caught up in his fucking head about his own fucking
bullshit.

His throat was closing up. Fucking stupid. Fucking weak. He
thought, Help, help me, please help, but he didn't know how to fucking ask for
it, what to ask for, what Goro could do. (Fucking pathetic.) Help.

"What," he managed, and got stuck. "What
would ... I can't --." He grit his teeth. Try fucking harder, Commander.
"I don't know what he could say that wouldn't just ... fucking ... make it
worse. If he was -- fucking happy, and good, and --" his voice broke --
"then he fucking died because of me, and he didn't even -- fucking know,
and it was for nothing, and ..."

**LINA**

Ah, shit. This was... probably why Hansel hadn't wanted to
say anything. Because he knew it would be fucking upsetting to talk through it.
And Goro had pushed him anyway, like always. Fuck. Fuck.

"Shh, shh, it's okay." Goro cradled Hansel's head
against his shoulder and kissed his hair. "Hansel. He didn't... y'know,
the people who fucking murdered him didn't... ah." He grit his teeth,
trying to figure out what the fuck to say. Hansel was wrong--Yehuda hadn't been
killed because of him, he'd been killed because the townspeople were a bunch of
racist fucks, but it wasn't like that was a cheery alternative. Still fucking
sucked. Goro tried another angle. "Luka... he was sick, right? The clerics
who knew him said he was sick, but he kept working, because he had to support
his wife when she got pregnant. So, uh..."

He squeezed his eyes shut. "Alright, I know it's not the
fucking same, 'cause Luka knew what he was getting into, apparently, but...
god, damn it, Hansel, it wasn't a fucking trade, your life for your dad's.
There's a fucking world where you both could have lived. Not your fucking
fault. Unless you wanna blame me for my dad dying, too. Then we'll have a
fucking deal."

**IZZY**

Part of Hansel wanted to argue, You didn't kill him, he was
sick, that's what killed him, greedy clerics killed him, and he knew that was
the fucking point -- that Shepherd Hills had killed Yehuda, not Hansel. He
fucking got it. He struggled to accept it and let Goro fucking help him (if he
was so needy and pathetic and desperate to be helped, why couldn't he just
fuckin' let it happen), but he kept running into something else -- took him another
minute to put words to it -- because Goro was right about it not being the
same.

"Luka sounded so -- so fucking happy to have you. Said
you were perfect." He sniffled. "And I don't -- I'm not -- I'm glad,
'cause, that's what you deserve to fucking hear, and know, 'cause it's fucking
true -- you're so fucking good and he loved you, and --." He broke off
into a sob and shoved through it. "I'm sorry. I don't -- I can't -- get
that, he ... Yehuda didn't fucking ever know I existed, and he should've fucking
hated me if he did, but I never get to fucking know, and I just -- want him
to've --."

He gave up, grinding his teeth and crying on Goro's
shoulder, making fists in his robes, shaking. Wanted there to be a dad who
wouldn't've smacked him for opening his mouth and kicked him into the dirt for
having tusks in it. Would've fucking treated him kindly and spoken to him
softly. He wanted to know there had been the possibility of a dad who'd loved
him, and he could never have that, could never fucking have that, because he'd
been a worthless monster to Elijah and he'd been even less to Yehuda:

Nothing. He was nothing.

**LINA**

Goro kept holding him, and kissing his hair, and shushing
him gently. Fucking tore him up inside, listening to Hansel cry. Goro cried
along with him, and maybe he'd been primed to from talking to Luka, but all he
knew now was he'd do fucking anything to take Hansel's hurt away, and he didn't
think he could.

Fucking helpless.

God damn it, though, he couldn't stop himself from trying.

"Ahuv. Beautiful. Listen to me. Here's what I fucking
think--and I'm a cleric, so you should listen to me. This ain't a guarantee,
but it's a more educated guess than some other asshole off the street could
give you." He sniffed. "I told you, the spell's like talking to a
memory. So yeah--you can't ask a memory about something that happened after it
was made. But listen. I think Yehuda, the real Yehuda, his actual fucking soul,
I think he knows about you. I think he sees you. And--" Goro leaned back,
holding Hansel's face between his hands. "My love, there's no way--there's
no fucking way--he doesn't like what he sees."

**IZZY**

Hanse made the same unhappy mm sound -- a fucking whimper,
honestly -- and pulled away from Goro's hands to drop against his shoulder
again. Didn't want to be fucking looked at. Goro would just be upset that he
was miserable, and fucking unfixable, and they'd both be fuckin' sad -- and it
wasn't fair, him upsetting Goro when this was meant to've been about Goro and
Luka, and Goro got to find out his dad cherished him, and Hansel fucking
Granger came in and ruined it.

He wondered if Yehuda really could see him. If he'd watched
Hansel get his ass beat by Elijah and never stand up for himself, and abandon
Leigh, and fuck his life up being a pirate for twenty years. Get so desperate
for a dad that he tried to be one, and fuck that up too. Sure. Yeah fucking
right he'd like what he saw.

**LINA**

Goro cradled Hansel's head again, hugging it gently to his
shoulder. "You've got it all backwards, love. Something fucking horrible
and hideous happened to your dad, but that thing wasn't you. Nah, you're the
fucking good part. He had an ugly death, yeah? But he got to leave part of
himself behind. Something so beautiful, and so amazing. Something that grew up
and went out into the world, and spread so much love, and touched so many
goddamn people's lives, including this little fucker talking to you right now.
Yehuda got a fuckin' legacy outta you, Hansel. He's got grandkids, and in-laws.
He's not gone. He's not wiped away. He got to leave a fucking mark on the
world."

**IZZY**

Hansel wanted to mumble, Shitty fucking legacy, but -- he
didn't, straight away. Partially because he knew Goro would argue with them and
he was pretty fucking sure he'd just fuckin' cry about it, and then Goro would
feel worse, and he'd have to Send to Mishka to come fuckin' pick them both up.
But in part, too, because he kept listening.

And he thought Goro was ... kind of right. Hansel had done a
lot of bad shit and fucked things up plenty, but he was -- something. Something
other than just being hanged and buried without a marker.

He'd taught Leigh cardinal directions. He'd saved a cat from
coyotes. He'd dragged Hunter out of bars when she picked fights too big for her
to handle -- and he'd helped end fights that might've overwhelmed Elitash and
Corven. He'd kept Jonn and Luci from dying from another winter on the streets
in Skyport. He'd held onto Mishka no matter how hard Mishka tried to make it.
He'd stood by Raef and stabbed a troll with him, talked Roddy into letting them
be his family, thrown his shield over Larkin, held off fucking flesh golems and
shouted the directions that got Diva split in half.

He'd sliced Goro out of drider webbing, and Goro -- fucking
insisted that he'd been changed by that day, and he seemed a lot fucking
happier since than he ever had before. Hansel couldn't deny that.

He sniffled and was quiet, for a bit, still clinging onto
Goro but a bit less desperately, now. It was ... a fucking lot of bad shit, a
lot of killing, and shouting, and suffering, but there were good things, too,
and he thought maybe even the bad shit was better than nothing at all. A
legacy. Maybe that mattered.

"All right," he mumbled. "All right."

**LINA**

Hansel started to settle, and a warm relief spread through
Goro's chest. He knew he should just leave Hansel be as long as he needed,
hiding his face against Goro's shoulder, but... god. Goro just had to--

He cupped Hansel's face again and kissed his forehead, then
his eyelids, then his cheeks. He did it quick, kissing away as many tears as he
could catch before Hansel could pull away, then guided Hansel's face back to his
shoulder.

"I'm so glad you're here," he murmured into
Hansel's hair. "I'm so grateful you came with me. Thank you."

**IZZY**

Hansel made a small mmf. He never knew what to fucking say
when Goro thanked him for just ... doing normal shit that people did for each
other. It made him sad -- fuckin' meant Goro hadn't had people there to do them
before. Made Hansel seem better than he was just by being average. And he was
just generally at a fucking loss for words, right now, even though the misery
was backing off -- always left a fucking void, when it did.

Without entirely knowing why or what for, though, he
muttered, "Sorry," as he pressed his face back into Goro's shoulder.

**LINA**

"For... what?"

**IZZY**

He grumbled unhappily. "Fuckin' ... this." He
struggled to explain himself. "Fucking -- making this about me. It's not
fucking about me. 'M sorry."

**LINA**

"Oh. Um." Goro frowned. He ran his hands up and
down Hansel's back and kissed his hair. "What, we gotta take turns or
something? And today's my day?"

**IZZY**

"No, I --." Because it wasn't fucking like Hansel
wouldn't drop whatever was going on with himself to help Goro -- had done that,
even. That wasn't how it fuckin' worked. He didn't want Goro thinking that.
"No."

And he didn't fucking know what to say, after that.

**LINA**

Goro kept rubbing Hansel's back. He didn't wanna fucking...
make fun of Hansel, or anything. Lord it over him that he'd just backed him
into a corner.

"Uh. For me, at least," he started, hoping he'd
figure out his point as he made it, "it feels... less lonely, when you
tell me what's on your mind. When you share shit with me. It's like we're in it
together, you know? I don't have to be the only one fuckin' crying about his
dad, today." He sniffed, to punctuate it.

**IZZY**

Hansel was quiet for another moment. That made some amount
of sense, he guessed. He fuckin' preferred it when Goro told him things --
shit, they'd been over that, him trying to convince Goro to let him know when
things bothered him or made him unhappy. And he preferred it when Mishka told
him shit and let him help. He preferred feeling like they were a team.

But he didn't feel like they were a team if they were both
sitting on the fucking floor crying. Someone had to be holding the other person
up. And -- he had to be that person, because if he wasn't, then he was fucking
useless, and he wouldn't deserve to feel sad about it when they left him.

"It's not ..." He started slowly and still trailed
off, trying to find the words. "It's that I don't wanna fucking share shit
with you, I don't --." He finally lifted his head on his own to lean his
cheek against Goro's for a second, then shifted to kiss the top of his head and
rest his lips there. It felt a little better just being upright, not being
crumpled over. "I don't want you to feel lonely," he said quietly.
"I just don't wanna be a fucking ... burden, and ... Look, you fucking
deserve someone you can count on to be there for you, and not fuckin' -- just
drag you down when you're already fucking down. That's all." And before he
could quite stop himself, he said, "Sorry," again, and then winced.

**LINA**

"Burden?" Goro's face screwed up in confusion.
" Burden? Drag me down? You fuckin'... you're my... what do they call that
thing on ships, where when someone's drowning, you toss it overboard and they
can grab it?"

**IZZY**

"Fuckin' ... life saver, or preserver, or buoy, or
..." Point was, there were a lot of names for them, but Hansel thought of
himself as more of a fucking anchor, and not in the steadying way Mishka did.
The dragging-down way. Or the sharks that people tossed you a life saver to
haul you up and away from.

**LINA**

"Hah. Life saver. They call 'em like they see 'em, I
guess. Anyway, that's you. Why the hell do you think I'm always grabbing onto
you like my life depends on it? Although, you wanna hear something funny,
sometimes I think of you like my anchor, too. But not like you're fuckin'--
dragging me down, jeez, gimme a fucking break. You keep me grounded. You keep
me from floating off. You know what, fuck metaphors. I need you, alright?"
And then he mumbled, adding, "If anything, I'm the burden. Always hanging
off you, and following you everywhere, and needing shit from you and..."

**IZZY**

Hansel scoffed lightly at you know what, fuck metaphors.
Yeah, probably fair. He was real fuckin' good at twisting those around, anyway,
and missing the fucking point on purpose. Probably wasn't helpful.

Then he gripped Goro tighter. "Hey. Fuckin' stop that.
It -- makes me feel -- fucking better, okay, that -- someone needs me. So I'm
not ... fuckin' useless," he muttered. "And I love you and I wanna
give you shit and have you around, all the fuckin' time, anyway. All
right?"

**LINA**

"Nn," Goro said, noncommittally.

**IZZY**

"Nn," Hansel said back. He kissed Goro's hair. He
started to think something, then hesitated and said it out loud. "I wish I
could ... could make a fucking bargain with you, and say, y'know, all right --
I won't feel like I'm a burden if you don't, either. But I'm ... not any
fuckin' good at lying, and I know I wouldn't be able to keep up my fuckin' end
of it. Sorry." It just slipped out, like it almost always did, but that
was something he at least did want to apologize for. "But -- I'm not any
fuckin' good at lying, so y'know I mean it, right?"

**LINA**

"Oh, I know you're not lying," Goro agreed.
"I just... I'm not sure how long it's gonna last. 'Fore you get sick of
me."

**IZZY**

"Told you before I'm not fuckin' gonna." He kissed
Goro's head again. He was still fucking ... sad. But he felt a little better
because of what Goro'd said. "Hey, y'know. Your dad got everything he
wanted for you. You're kind and clever. And you're happy and safe now, right?
And you take care of your family." He paused to kiss Goro's hair. "I
think he'd be real fucking happy about you. He'd be real proud."

**LINA**

"Nnnn," Goro said again. He hid his face in his
hands. "I mean, yeah. Most of it. Not the kind part. He sounded like a
nice guy. I'd probably fucking horrify him."

That wasn't the first time Hansel had called Goro kind,
though. Goro never had a fucking clue what he was talking about.

**IZZY**

"Hey. Ahuv." Hansel kept his voice real low and
kissed Goro's forehead. "Y'wanna hear a secret?"

**LINA**

"'Kay." He narrowed his eyes, skeptical.

**IZZY**

"No one's fuckin' horrified of their kids," he
said. "I'd fuckin' know, okay?
You've met Jonn. Kid's a goddamn lunatic and I fucking love him to
death. And Luka loved you. Those letters that Wyn found for you -- he named you
after his dad, right? His dad loved him, and he fuckin' loved you. Before you
were even in the world." He wrapped his arms around Goro and held him
tight. "That kinda love ain't fuckin' circumstantial."

**LINA**

Goro made a lot of wordless grumbling and groaning, then
gave in and hugged Hansel back, gripping him like... well, like he was a life
preserver. "Ah, I just... ah. I don't fuckin'... I've only known my dad
loved me for like fifteen fuckin' minutes, now. I need some time to get used to
the idea. Fuck."

**IZZY**

"Mm." Hansel kissed his head. "Yeah. I
understand. S'okay."

**LINA**

"Glad at least one of my fuckin' parents does," he
muttered. "Glad he ain't a shit."

**IZZY**

"Get the point, but I'm also gonna fuckin' remind you
Amari exists. I mean, fuck Jasmilia." He wondered what Luka had seen in
her. Maybe she'd been different. Or maybe she'd been lying to him. "But
you got Amari."

**LINA**

"I know, but." He let out a small frustrated
sound. "I don't... know how to explain it without dissing Amari. Like,
yeah, she's my real mother. She's the one who matters. But Jasmilia's my
fucking blood. I don't know how I can escape that."

**IZZY**

"Blood doesn't fuckin' mean anything." He said it
automatically, because he was fucking certain of it. "I mean -- I fuckin'
... I know. And I know you're not talking shit about Amari, I just mean ...
Y'know, for years I thought -- Marion wasn't any fuckin' better than Elijah,
and I thought Yehuda, whoever the fuck he was, must be some kinda fucking
monster. And I didn't -- I didn't fuckin' feel bad about leaving my blood. I
mean, Leigh, yeah, but 'cause he was just an innocent kid, not 'cause he was my
blood."

He paused. "And I found Kheman, and Elitash, and Serena
and Hunter, and Jonn and Luci, and Mishka, and you, and Roddy, and ... none of
you are my fuckin' blood. Doesn't matter. There's nothing to fuckin' escape
from, ahuv. She gave you up already. Her fuckin' loss. Our gain."

**LINA**

"I know. I know. I fuckin' agree with you on that. I've
always said, psh, fuckin' blood family, whatever. I was always telling Larkin,
hey, fuck the Basha if he doesn't take care of you. And I don't feel a lick
different now that I know I'm a Basha, too. Eugh." He shuddered a little.
"Fuckin' weird to say it. But... thing is, you know, there is still some
shit that runs in the blood. There's some shit you can't escape. It's
hereditary."

**IZZY**

Hansel snorted quietly. "I don't think you'd say that
if you knew the difference between Leigh and his dad. Goro, listen, look."
He drew back to hold Goro's face, look at him closely. "Luka was ... good,
seems like. And you're good. So fuck Jasmilia. She ain't your fuckin' mom. She
ain't in your fuckin' blood."

**LINA**

God. Goro sure wished he could believe that.

He kept trying to forget the shit Jasmilia had said to him,
the one time he'd actually gotten to talk to her. But the truth was, he kept on
coming back to it, like a mosquito bite he couldn't stop scratching.

You were born with a rot at your core. I know, because I was
born with it too. And the older you get, it's just going to keep growing and
growing, no matter what you do.

There had to be some fucking explanation for why someone
like Luka had fallen for someone like Jasmilia. For why Jasmilia had hung onto
Goro for a few years after Luka's death, instead of dumping him straight away.
Maybe it was the kind of thing that got worse as you got older, after all.

Nah, nah, nah. That bitch was crazy. She was fucking nuts.
Why the fuck would Goro listen to a word she had to say? Why believe her, over
Hansel, who knew him a lot better and actually gave a shit about him?

Unless... well, unless Hansel really didn't know how bad it
was, with him. How bad it could get. She ain't in your fucking blood, he said,
but it wasn't like they could fucking cut him open to check. Hansel was just
trying to make him feel better.

But Goro just nodded, like it made sense, and pushed back in
to hide his face against Hansel.

**IZZY**

Hansel petted his hair quietly for a moment. He knew Goro didn't
fucking believe him. Goro was doing the same fucking thing that he did -- knew
he couldn't argue anymore, but didn't really buy the loss, and just stopped talking.
Sometimes -- when Hansel did it -- he managed to come back to it and keep
thinking it over, and convince himself that the other person was right. Keep
reminding himself of it. But it didn't always take, the first time or the
second time or the third.

Sometimes it took fucking years. Hansel didn't know what to
do to make that better, or easier, but god, if he ever figured it out, he'd
share it with Goro as soon as he could.

He kissed the top of Goro's head, and murmured, "Hey. I
love you so fucking much. You know that?" He sniffled, still a little
weepy from before. "You're so fucking good. You fuckin' care about people
so much, when you don't have to. You knew me for about three fuckin' weeks and
you risked your life to save my kid, and you didn't know him at all. Fuckin'
Jasmilia abandoned you, and your brother, and she would've done the same
goddamn thing to Theo, and you're her own fucking kids." He kissed Goro's
head again. "There's not a fucking bit of her in you, shemeshi. Not
fucking anything."

**LINA**

Goro shook his head. His voice came out muffled against
Hansel's chest. "I only helped you with Jonn for the money." Had
there been money? Had they robbed Mishka's estate? He couldn't fucking
remember. Sounded plausible.

**IZZY**

"Nah. Didn't get paid." He rested his chin on
Goro's head. "Y'know I was just gonna fucking do it. Would've done what
Mishka said to save Jonn, sold you all out. Would've been ... Everything
would've been different." He didn't like thinking about it. Didn't like
thinking about any of it. "Worse. You made it better, y'know, 'cause ...
you gave a shit when you didn't have to, and you stuck your neck out for some
dumbass you barely knew. Fuckin' ..." He swallowed. "Someone told me
once that acts of kindness ripple out, like when you drop a pebble in a lake.
Well, you dropped a fucking boulder, okay? You changed the entire goddamn lake
by being good."

**LINA**

Goro gave a strangled cry, like a dying cat, and shook his
head again. "No. No. Just fuckin'... dumb luck. A one-time deal. I don't
normally do shit like that."

God, though. He had, and it had gotten him Hansel. Best fucking
decision he'd ever made, right there.

**IZZY**

"Goro. Motek." Hansel kissed his hair. "You
do shit like that all the time. You helped me save Jonn. I mean, you pretty
much just fuckin' did it yourself. And when Mishka told you I killed my old
crew, when he didn't know why, you still fuckin' worked with me, and you didn't
tell anyone. And after everything he did, you still helped Mishka -- you
fucking risked your life to do it. You helped him after we got him back from
Diva.

"And you stuck with me for so -- for so fucking long
not knowing what went down with my crew, not knowing if I was fucking
dangerous, you still healed me and fought next to me and trusted me, and --
fuck, ahuv, I didn't even fuckin' trust myself, back then." He rubbed his
cheek against Goro's hair. "And you fuckin' make nice with Jonn, now,
after what he did to you, and I don't even know why -- it's just 'cause you're
so goddamn good.

"And you've saved me from fuckin' Gruumsh, god, I don't
even fuckin' remember how many times, at this point, 'cause you fucking ... you
make me feel safe. 'Cause he gets in my head when I'm fucking scared and mad,
and you fuckin' ... settle me down. Because it's the kind of fucking person you
are. You're the fucking opposite of people like Elijah and Jasmilia, all right?
You're so fucking good, Goro."

**LINA**

He shook his head again. "I just do that kind of shit
because--"

It's the right thing to do, was what he was gonna say, but
fuck. That was kind of... the fucking point.

Or, It doesn't count that I help you, because I love you.
That wasn't gonna fly, either. Hansel would just go back to pointing out that
Goro had helped him when they barely knew each other.

He was crying again, and he didn't really know why. He just
kept clutching his life preserver.

"I do more bad shit than good," he tried.

**IZZY**

"Nah. Y'don't." He kissed Goro's hair. "But I
know you're not gonna believe me." He paused. "Elitash ... She was
the bosun, on the Red Blade -- meant she was the one in charge of keeping track
of shit, making sure we always had enough food and cannonballs and fresh water
and extra rope and shit. She used to tell me -- when I got all fuckin' upset --
she'd tell me I needed to take stock, like she did in the hold. Write
everything down. Gave me a notebook t'do it in, but I never used it," he
admitted.

"I think," he said slowly, "maybe she'd tell
you to fuckin' take stock, and write down what you've done that you think's so
fuckin' bad, and write down what you've done that's good. And if it were me
she'd go behind me, and get, like, fuckin' Hunter and Kheman to list shit they
thought I'd done that was good. There was always more fucking good shit that I
just didn't fucking think about." He wasn't sure how that happened.
"And then she'd ... kinda talk me down from thinking the bad shit was so
bad, sometimes. Or she'd try, anyway. D'you think that'd ... help, maybe?"
He rubbed his cheek against Goro's hair again. "I'll help you do it. Bet
Larkin and Mishka would, too. Amari. Ombre."

**LINA**

Goro shook his head, keeping his face hidden. Terrible.
Fucking terrible. The whole lot of them--loving him, thinking he was great.
Writing down why they thought he was great. He was gonna let them all down,
sooner or later. Fucking Amari was just crazy, 'cause he'd let her down a
million times already, and she still just...

He kept shaking his head.

**IZZY**

"M'kay." Hansel curled a hand in Goro's hair, at
the back of his head, and pressed Goro's forehead into his chest to stop his
shaking. "Well, that's what I fuckin' thought too, and I was wrong."

He mulled it over. There was a lot of shit Elitash had
helped him with, and after he'd lost Mishka -- and especially after he'd lost
the rest of them -- trying to do it had just seemed fucking pointless. It was
always a fucking struggle, and without Mishka to gently encourage him and tell
him he was doing well, and Eli to push him into a chair and tell him to fuckin'
calm down and think about what she'd told him, he just fucking ... hadn't. All
seemed impossible.

"We'll do it together," he said firmly, not asking
anymore.

**LINA**

Goro sniffed. "Do I get a fuckin' vote?"

**IZZY**

"Nope." Hansel kissed his head.

**LINA**

"Pfff." Goro turned his face carefully to let
Hansel's sweater absorb some of his tears. He would've used his own sleeve or something,
but Hansel was holding onto him really fucking tight. Obviously didn't want him
squirming away, if it could be helped.

"Hansel?" he said a moment later. He sniffed again.
"Do you... ah. Never mind."

**IZZY**

"I'm not gonna fuckin' never mind." He shifted a
bit to hold Goro just as tight, but maybe a little more comfortably.
"What?"

**LINA**

"Mmm," Goro said, discontent. Shouldn't've fucking
started. He wasn't even sure how to ask the question, anymore. Do you need me?
sounded too fucking vague. Need you for what? would be the obvious follow-up,
there.

Would you miss me if I was gone? Well, fucking, probably,
yeah. Hansel had said something back in Moorland along the lines of Do you have
any idea how scared I am of losing you?, and Goro didn't, but asking just how
much was pretty fucking ghoulish.

"Do you need me? I mean, like, in general."

**IZZY**

"The fuck d'you mean?" What a fucking baffling and
troubling question. He curled his arms around Goro that much tighter and hooked
his hands across them, locking them together.

**LINA**

"Uh. Well. Y'know, I just..." Yeah, this had been
a fucking mistake. "Amari says it's better to be wanted than needed, so
it's fine. I know you want me around. But I was saying to her one time, you
know, I don't think he needs me, and she was just, well, not so sure about
that. And I said, psssh. Also I just remembered she fucking told me I shouldn't
put you on the spot by asking this. Fuck."

**IZZY**

"Oh." He relaxed a little, but just the tension in
his shoulders -- didn't hold Goro any looser. "Mm."

Then he had to think for a second. "I, uh. I think ...
Amari's right. 'Cause, y'know -- I've survived some shit. Without people I
thought I needed. By myself, and all. Leaving home, and losing Taavit, and
Mishka, and ... everyone." He paused. "I think I'd probably fuckin'
survive if I lost everyone again. If I lost you. But -- god, Goro, I'd be so
fucking miserable, I'd wish I hadn't. I fuckin' been there before. Dunno, maybe
that's -- what you mean by needing."

**LINA**

"Mm. Maybe." Hansel had a good fucking point
there. He wasn't a stranger to losing everything. "Yeah, I mean, I'm not
asking if you're gonna keel over dead if something happens to me. Or to anyone.
I just wonder if... I dunno. You got a daughter who can heal you when you get
hurt, and you got a husband who can hold you when you get upset--and both those
people are probably a lot fuckin' better at that shit than I am--and you got
all these friends and family to keep you company, and then there's... me. Dunno
if I'm earning my keep."

**IZZY**

Hansel was still fucking puzzled. He had this thought he'd
had before -- that this was probably what it was like talking to him,
sometimes. When he said shit like that -- I'm a burden, I'm a monster, I'm
useless -- people like Goro and Mishka might just be fucking baffled, not
frustrated with him. It was kind of a nice thought, because he always felt like
such shit admitting those kinds of things, saying out loud that he didn't know
why anyone kept him around, but when Goro said it he just ... wanted to hold
him tighter and reassure him. He didn't get tired of it, or annoyed, or change
his mind. Just wanted Goro to feel better.

"Y'know," he said gently, "you're fucking one
of my family. There's not friends and family and then you -- there's my kids and
you and Mishka, and then friends and crewmates. You're not ... on the fuckin'
outside, here." He kissed Goro's head. "And no one's fucking better
or worse at shit. Luci can heal me, yeah, but it doesn't -- feel the same as
when you do it. Holding Mishka's not the same as holding you."

Always felt fucking greedy, saying it out loud, but he made
himself do it because he thought Goro needed to hear it: "I want both. I
mean, I won't fuckin' die, sure, but I need you to be happy."

**LINA**

Goro was quiet after Hansel finished talking. He kept
waiting for the panicky feeling to hit him, but it just wasn't there. He felt
loved, and... secure, somehow. Not inexplicably afraid.

This must've been how it felt to actually believe Hansel
wanted him around. And hell, it was a really fucking good feeling. Warm, and
safe.

Goddamn. Amari had been right. Fuckin' figured.

He thought about what he should say back. I need you to feel
happy, too. I want you all the time, and everywhere. I love you so much. Thank
you, thank you, thank you.

He thought about pulling back to look Hansel in the face as
he said it. For some reason that sounded harder. Like that would bring on the
panicky feeling, when it was held at bay while Goro hid against Hansel's chest.

"Love you," was all he managed to squeeze out.

**IZZY**

"Mmhm." Hansel couldn't quite tell if he was
buying that, either, right now, but now that Hansel had said it, maybe Goro
would remember it later. Keep thinking it over. Figure out how to believe it.
"Love you, too."

**LINA**

After a while, Goro emerged from hiding--mostly so he could
kiss Hansel's shoulder and rest his head there. "Guess we should
probably... get going. I got my cantrip I can use to close the shroud up, I
guess. If that's the way we wanna do it. Hell, I've never tried to move a
skeleton before."

**IZZY**

Hansel rubbed his back. "Whenever you're ready."
He guessed the fact that Goro was bringing it up meant that he was, though. He
glanced to the shroud.

He wondered if anyone had been able to get Yehuda's body,
give him the appropriate rites, or whatever. Was just assuming he followed
Silvanus, because it seemed most likely, but maybe it was some orc god --
Hansel didn't know of one that looked over merchants or traders, but maybe
Ilneval would've looked out for him, since Marion said he had some human blood.
Or Selune, since they were travellers. Could be anyone.

Hansel guessed he could ask.

"We could get a shroud," he said, after a moment. "Proper
Silvan one, and shit. At the Sanctuary back home. And a Silvan cleric, if you
want, to rebury him right. Uh, here, though."

He pulled away just enough to dig into his pack and pull out
a forest-green cloak he'd had for a long time -- it was more than a little
threadbare, but all the holes had been stitched or patched.

"Was just figuring he'd follow Silvanus, so I brought
this," he said awkwardly. "Ain't a real shroud, but y'know, green is
Silvanus's color. Thought it'd be better than Helm shit. If you want."

**LINA**

Goro stared dumbly at the cloak, blinking. He stared long
enough he felt Hansel start to shift, probably uncomfortably, thinking Goro
didn't want--

Goro threw his arms around Hansel and hugged him as fiercely
as he ever had. He nodded a bunch of times before he managed to get any words
out. "Good. 'S good."

**IZZY**

Hansel jolted a little, startled. Oh. All right. He hadn't
quite expected that much of a reaction.

He thought about saying, Hey, it's just a cloak, just a
green cloak, s'okay, because he felt like Goro had probably had to deal with
enough emotions since they'd come into the mausoleum -- and if he said what
he'd intended to say, it'd probably just make Goro cry, and then he'd cry, too,
and they really would have to Send to Mishka to mop them both up off the floor
and take them home.

Maybe later on -- in a couple days, or when they laid Luka
to rest; whenever -- he'd tell Goro that cloak was the only thing he'd taken
with him when he left home apart from a pocketknife, pulling it off the laundry
line as he walked away with both of them still damp. How it'd kept him warm
when he was alone in the woods, the color camouflaging him when he hid up
trees. He'd taught himself how to sew on it, and god, it showed in the first
spots where it'd gotten torn. Taavit had told him, You should get rid of that ratty
thing, lemme buy you a new one, and he'd packed it away, rolled up tight and
careful at the bottom of bag after bag, from ship to ship to ship.

He'd tell Goro that some other time. For now he just kissed
his head and hugged him again. "Okay. Good."

**LINA**

Yup. All good.

Goro had been the one to fucking bring up leaving, and now
he was making no move to do it. Just kept hugging Hansel. Loved him so fucking
much.

That was the funny thing. He felt... alright. Not too sad.
Not desperate. Just hugging his boyfriend, because he loved him, and didn't
want to stop.

Yeah. Better to be wanted than needed. He could see what she
meant, now. He could feel the difference.

[end]

**IZZY**

Title: Wanted. Summary: Goro and Hansel exhume Luka, and
Goro uses Speak With Dead, finding out that his father followed Silvanus,
adored Goro, and generally seemed like a cool guy. He offers to do the same for
Hansel with Yehuda, which causes Hansel to get emotional. Much crying, much
comforting.