The List

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Each section will eventually be a category. Each subsection will eventually be a page. Notable entries will also be made into pages. Such notable entries *must* be given creative names.

## Testimony Meeting

Some of these things may seem highly ordinary. Remember that this started as a bingo sheet, not a TV Tropes for Mormon Culture. As such, it retains relics of the mundane and could still be reasonably used to spawn a bingo sheet.

### Stuff that should be in testimonies

* God loves us
* Heavenly Father and Jesus have bodies
* Jesus is our savior
* Joseph Smith restored the Gospel/Priesthood
* Joseph Smith was/is a prophet
* Plan of Salvation
* The atonement is real
* The Church is true
* The Book of Mormon (and other scriptures) are true
* “[Current Prophet] is a prophet”
* Priesthood ordinances are real

### Things that shouldn’t be in testimonies

* Condemnation
* Confession of sins
* False doctrine
* I testify of the truthfulness of Mormon culture
* Kolob and other deep doctrine
* Mention of evolution (one way or the other)
* Political statement
* Speculation
* Too much detail relating to sacred things (some personal spiritual experiences, temple ordinances, etc.)
* Complaining about day-to-day life (work, etc.)
* Totally irrelevant history lesson
* Too much personal history (all of the person's previous callings, everywhere he lived, every job he's held, etc.)

### People

* A person or child with a disability
* A Non-member
* A Twin (almost every ward has at least one)
* Celebrity Look-Alike
* Child being prompted by a parent
* Child by himself
* Former (or current) druggie/porn addict (makes it known openly)
* General Authority Look-Alike
* Somebody with mission call
* Parent brings a [clingy] child to the stand
* Stake Leadership
* The Campaigner/Recruiter
* The Family (3 or more members from the same family speak in sequence)
* The Missionaries
* The Ninja (has been in the ward a long time but nobody knows them)
* The Regular
* The returning member (mentions having just started coming to church again)
* Unadjusted RM
* Visitor
* Former ward member
* Ward Council Member
* Ward Weirdo (bonus if this overlaps with the regular)
* War Veteran
* Brother Senile
* Rebellious teenager who either surprises everybody with a sincere testimony or makes a complete mockery of testimony meetings

### Archetypal Testimonies

* Almost-diedamony/Back from the deadamony
* Bragamony (brags about temple attendance, scripture reading habits, prayers, how strict they are with the Word of Wisdom or movie ratings, etc…)
* Canned testimony ("I love to bear my testimony, I know this church is true…")
* Cryamony
* Hospitalmony (talks about sickness, pain, or time spent in hospital)
* Ramblemony (goes on and on and on and on and on and…)
* Scripture Message (basically just a scripture)
* Short and sweet and to the point (i.e. The Real Thing)
* Stand-up Comedy
* Storymony
* Thankamony
* The Life Update
* *The Revelation of Saint Crazy* (i.e., visions, conspiracy theories, etc.)
* The Unexpected Sermon
* Travelogue
* Singamony (testifier sings the words of a hymn)
* Surprisingly eloquent testimony (sounds like it was prepared beforehand)
* *Secondhand Testimony* (somebody bearing a testimony about a family member or friend's testimony, etc.)
* Love-the-ward-amony (also praise-the-ward-amony)
* Grateful for friends, family, the ward, and the support these individuals give
* How I gained my testimony testimony
* Nature hikeamony (testifies of sacred experiences outdoors)
* Scoutamony

### Cliche Phrases

* “I'll go up if you go up”
* “I love my family / the members of the ward”
* “I wasn’t planning on coming up today, but…”
* “My heart was just beating so fast/out of my chest…”
* “The Spirit was so strong it dragged me up here” and similar
* “Without [or beyond] a shadow of a doubt”
* “With every fiber my being”
* “I would be ungrateful if I didn't get up and say…”
* “I know that this is *the* Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints”
* “Just barely”
* “I can't remember the last time I bore my testimony, so I figured I'd better come up” (bonus if it's somebody who testifies regularly)
* “Jesus is The Christ”
* “I just want to bear my testimony of/on…”
* … and then they go beyond that scope (emphasis on *just*)
* Testimony begins with "recently"
* "I've been thinking"
* "I was challenged to bear my testimony"

### Other

* Awkward silence
* Bishopric member asks testifier to bear an actual testimony
* Bishop asks testifier to sit down
* Bishopric member corrects false doctrine or breach of protocol in preceding testimony
* Comments on lowering or raising the podium
* Testifies about marriage and family
* Testifies that you must give money to panhandlers
* Timestamp ("It has been <time> since I last bore my testimony")
* School/work/day-to-day problems
* Irrelevant story
* Invites you to follow along with a scripture
* Leaves commitment/invitation
* Mention of food
* Testifies that certain Church programs and initiatives are divinely inspired
* They keep talking/coming even though the next ward is waiting outside
* Forgot to testify
* Mention of deceased individual
* Reads a hymn
* Dramatic reading of “Footprints in the Sand,” “The Touch of the Master’s Hand,” or some other well-known LDS poem
* Testifies of speculation as if it were true (e.g. puts up native American figurine and testifies that's what Laman and Lemuel looked like)
* Surprise testimony (usually at very end of meeting)
* Somebody contradicts a preceding testimony
* Testifies of the darker side of the gospel (such as the reality of Satan or evil spirits)
* Hymn about fasting
* *I testify that Peter walked on water* (testifies of something bizarre, completely unheard of, non-sequitur, or just plain nonsensical; can still be doctrinally correct)
* *Beat you to the pulpit!* (two people try to get to the pulpit at once and the winner acknowledges victory)
* *I wanted to be first today* (the person who lost the race to the pulpit acknowledges that fact)
* Didn't this guy testify of the exact same topic/thing a month or two ago?

## Sacrament Meeting

### Talks

* Can't find scripture
* Dictionary definition
* Disclaimer
* Empty praise for previous talk
* Entire talk given from paper
* Happy to give a talk
* Mentions having more or less time than expected
* Mentions that a High Councilman is speaking so they don’t have to talk as long.
* Starts with a joke
* The saga of being asked to give a talk (e.g. “When Brother so-and-so asked me to give this talk,...”)
* Prepared talk at 2 AM (or during the sacrament)
* Didn’t find out he/she was speaking until he/she saw the program
* Total Improv (gives talk without notes)
* Throws out notes as “directed by the Spirit”
* *Completely memorized* (sounds like speaker is reading, but he has no notes)
* *Director’s Cut* (goes overtime to make sure all points are covered)
* *Redundant Talk of Redundancy* (same topic as preceding talk and covers nothing new)
* *A Totally Different Angle* (same topic as preceding talk, but has all new material)
* *Wait, That was a Different Topic?* (different topic, yet somehow has no unique material from the preceding talk)
* *One of These Talks is not Like the Others* (one of the talk's topic is completely different from the others)
* *Topical Snowflakes* (all of the talks have completely different topics)
* Refers to the talk being given
* “For those of you who don't know me…”
* “I learned so much from this topic.”
* “I stand here humbled today”/”It is humbling to speak…”
* “I was asked to give a talk/speak on…”
* “When I started preparing for this talk…”
* “Since we're new in the ward, let me tell you about our family”
* Bizarre object lesson in a talk (such as holding up a lighter to a piece of paper or holding up a football)
* Almost inactive guy who showed up only because he was asked to give a talk
* Person speaking makes fun of somebody else in the ward (or stake)
* *Preaching from the Choir* (all the speakers are in the choir)
* Speaker is visibly nervous, but does not draw attention to it
* Speaker apologizes for being nervous (bonus if you wouldn't have noticed)
* *Trigger Warning* (speaker apologizes in advance for potentially offending the congregation)
* Suspiciously sounds like a plagiarized General Conference talk
* Excessively quotes from General Conference
* Excessively quotes from scriptures
* First or second talk is so long that the rest of the program (including special musical numbers) are squeezed into the last ten minutes.

### Family Wards

* Screaming child parents won't remove from the chapel
* Child goes under a pew into another row
* Child wanders away and parents grab them
* Child wanders up to the stand
* At least 30 seconds of no kids talking, crying, or screaming
* Youth speaker gives full length talk
* “Youth speaker” who isn't actually a youth (e.g. 18 or 19-year-old)
* More than one youth speaker
* Parent tells embarrassing story about child
* Bishopric member’s child speaks
* Child staring intently at people in row behind him/her

### Singles Wards

* Engagement announcement
* Mentions marriage or dating
* Speaker goes on for more than two minutes about marriage and dating
* Speaker points out that talk is not about marriage or dating
* Speaker points out that there “are a lot of beautiful young women in the ward” or similar
* Someone saying they miss family wards
* Last testimony/talk before marriage
* *What's Delegation?* (sacrament coordinator is blessing or passing for 3+ weeks in a row)
* Encouragement to attend activities because the opposite sex will be present.
* Children of bishopric visiting
* Engaged person say "wedding" more than once

### Music

See also: Choir Tropes

* *Are you sure this is the right tempo?* (hymn is painfully slow/seat-of-your-pants-fast)
* Closing hymn is cut short
* Instant Choir
* Conductor on wrong beat
* Conductor waiting for the right beat
* Conductor in wrong time signature
* Conductor using non-existent time signature (e.g. shoehorning 3/4 to fit 4/4 by adding an extra downbeat)
* Conductor waving arm aimlessly
* Conductor using wrong technique (but has a semblance of rhythmic sense)
* Conductor conducting the wrong tempo
* Conductor doesn’t hold a fermata
* Conductor treats whole/half notes like fermatas
* Empty praise for preceding musical number
* Musical number screamed into the microphone
* Everybody knows this hymn, yet it's rarely sung
* Excessive mistakes from organist/pianist
* False Start
* One person starts singing a verse before it starts.
* Good musical number
* Musical number is not a hymn or religious song
* *Showtune musical number* (the song itself sounds like something from a Broadway musical, such as “Faith in Every Footstep”)
* Hymn was sung recently
* Seasonal hymn (Easter, Christmas, Fourth of July, etc.) sung out of season
* Someone in the ward sings the wrong verse momentarily
* Musical number from novice/untalented individual(s)
* Nobody knows the hymn
* Opera singer in congregation (or overpowers the rest of the choir)
* Organ/piano too quiet
* Organist/pianist has no sense of rhythm/pulse/etc.
* Organist/pianist reharmonizes/improvises
* Prelude/postlude isn't a hymn
* Reference to hymn that is no longer in the hymnbook (or old words of a hymn we still have)
* Rest hymn is cancelled
* Surprise rest hymn
* Violin/instrumental musical number
* Loud last verse
* Registration changes on organ
* Unusual instrument (such as dulcimer)
* “Called to Serve”: "... praises unto him we *sing..."* (instead of *bring*, the actual word)
* Surprise Musical Number
* Conductor uses both hands or a baton
* *Bottom of the Barrel Eliza R Snow song* (i.e., "In Our Lovely Deseret")
* Hymns not in program
* Bizarre combination of two hymns in choir/musical number, pretty much sounds like a non-sequitur (such as “Praise to the Man” suddenly switching to the chorus of “The Spirit of God”)
* Duet with piano accompaniment
* *Playing piano on the organ* (the “organist” is really a pianist and doesn’t know what he/she’s doing with the instrument)
* Presiding authority changes a hymn at the last second
* Piano/organ duet (prelude, postlude, and congregation accompaniment)
* Instrument other than piano or organ used for prelude/postlude
* Instrument other than piano or organ used in congregational accompaniment
* *Preaching with the Choir* (Ward choir performing for at least the second time in a month)
* *Wait, we have a choir?* (ward choir’s first performance in a very, very, very long time)
* Organist/pianist practices congregational hymns for prelude
* Organist/pianist has no idea what he's supposed to play until he arrives in the chapel and sees the program
* Hymn about fasting not on fast Sunday
* Adult choir sings as part of Primary Program
* “How Firm a Foundation”: verses 1, 2, 3, and 7
* Everybody stands for the intermediate hymn
* The word *hell* is on a long note (such as verse 3 in hymn #173, “While of These Emblems We Partake”), and everybody feels so awkward about spending so much breath on a “profane” word that they cut the note short while singing that verse but don't cut the note short in the other verses
* Aggressive choir director tries to pressure you into joining the choir
* Aggressive choir director tries even harder to pressure you into joining the choir because he/she finds out you can play an instrument, which automatically, undoubtedly, beyond a shadow of a doubt means you can sing
* Postlude is another repetition of the closing hymn
* Harmonizing: men singing soprano/alto parts or women singing tenor/bass parts

### Sacrament

* A deacon gets confused about which person to give the sacrament to first (because the stake president or some other higher authority is presiding)
* Bizarre sacrament choreography
* Homemade sacrament bread
* Sacrament bread isn't white bread
* Sacrament passer holds left hand behind back (or other strange posture)
* Sacrament prayer needs to be redone
* Has to repeat the prayer multiple times
* Sacrament prayer should be redone but they start passing the sacrament anyway
* Stale and/or thawing sacrament bread
* *Late Replacement* (sometime after the meeting begins, a sacrament passer/blesser is replaced)
* They forgot the sacrament bread
* A sacrament passer needs to retrieve the extra tray
* They run out of sacrament bread/water
* Two trays on the same row
* “Diet” bread
* People taking sacrament before presiding authority
* Person blessing the sacrament struggles with the microphone and keeps repeating the first words of the prayer because he feels his voice isn't loud enough
* Person blessing the sacrament deviates from the rhythm that is always used when reciting the sacrament prayers
* Over-reliance on microphone (sacrament blesser speaks very quietly)
* *What's a microphone?* (sacrament blesser speaks so loudly that there is no need for the microphone, but they use it anyway)
* Bishopric member thanks congregation for their reverence.
* Bishopric thanks priesthood for the reverent manner in which they passed the sacrament
* Bishopric doesn't dismiss the sacrament blessers and passers and they silently melt back into the congregation

### Stake Conference

* Chapel packed with people not in the stake because a General Authority (especially an apostle) is presiding
* Extra session, such as a full priesthood session
* Interactive talk for adult session (speaker plays a video or asks for audience input)

### Other

* Bishopric looks nervous
* Bishopric looking at you
* Bishopric member asleep
* *Total knockout* (at least two bishopric members asleep)
* Bishopric member looking intently at electronic device
* Bishop fills meeting because talks were too short
* Bishopric butchers name of person or song
* Bishopric member asks congregation to be more reverent
* Bishopric member hands tissue [box] to speaker
* Bishopric whispering among themselves
* Bishop is missing
* Bishopric counselor missing
* *Invoking D&C 20* (bishopric is absent, so conducting falls to EQP or other authority)
* Blows nose at pulpit
* Deacon holding a mic for a disabled person/baby blessing
* Excess of ward business
* No ward business
* People are asked to stand when sustained/released/have their records added to the ward and a multitude of people look around the chapel to visually identify those whose names were announced
* People who are asked to stand for sustaining, etc. aren't present
* Person grabs tissues from pulpit and goes back to seat
* *J. Golden Kimball* (swears at the pulpit)
* *Southern Baptist Preacher* (hits pulpit while speaking)
* Last second change in program
* Leftover programs from other ward/old programs from your own ward (bonus if left in hymnbook)
* No coordination on program (lots of TBA)
* Orphaned announcement, sustaining, etc. made after the sacrament
* Paraphernalia left over from last week or some recent event
* Food (fruit snacks, Cheerios, etc.) left by a family with young children
* Person who was supposed to do something in the program (prayer, talk, chorister, organist, etc.) is missing and replaced at the last second
* Random person in congregation is unexpectedly asked to speak/bear a short testimony
* Surprise church authority speaks or presides (usually mission president, but can be anybody from stake presidency member to Apostle)
* There is no printed program
* Pulpit adjustment
* Bad joke about pulpit adjustment
* Something in the program is so unusual that even the presiding authority gets confused about what’s going on (such as a Christmas hymn out of season)
* Microphone Test
* Microphone not working
* Loud pops/interference with microphone
* Speaker is talking too loud into the microphone and the presiding authority tries to fix it by adjusting the podium or lowering the volume (bonus if the speaker then pulls up the microphone closer to his mouth or speaks louder)
* People are asked to stand when sustained/released/have their records added to the ward and a multitude of people look around the chapel to visually identify those whose names were announced

## General Conference

* Airplane analogy
* Teleprompter stumbling
* Going off the script (hard to tell when it does, but it happens at least once)
* Close-up shot of racial minority in Tabernacle Choir (bonus if it happens more than once to the same person during the same conference)
* Mustachioed Tabernacle Choir member
* Thick accent
* Denture smacking
* Tries to adjust Conference Center pulpit microphone (it doesn't adjust)
* Pulpit adjusts to the wrong person’s height
* Opposition in sustaining
* Everybody wakes up when a popular apostle or the prophet speaks
* Elderly speaker struggles to stand while speaking
* Speaking while sitting
* Reads or refers to a letter sent to them (which inevitably encourages those who want their fifteen minutes of fame to send more letters)
* Video clip or graphic accompanying talk
* Two people playing the organ
* Organist regarmonizes during congregational hymn
* Soloist singer in Tabernacle Choir or small number of individually miked singers
* People getting up to go to the bathroom during congregational hymn
* People still filling their seats as the session begins
* Apostle or First Presidency member not present
* The Church is under condemnation for some reason (or similarly sweeping rebuke)
* Protestors! (bonus if they somehow make it inside the Conference Center or Temple Square)
* People panhandling outside the Conference Center or Temple Square for mission money or other similarly Mormon things
* People scalping tickets or holding signs requesting tickets
* Speaker manages to display a bit of personality
* Seventy everybody recognizes speaks
* Obscure Seventy speaks
* Guest speaker (uncommon but has happened)
* Speaker challenges everybody to up the ante on family history work, missionary work, scripture study, temple attendance, etc.
* Women attend priesthood session or men attend women's session
* Announcement of new Church initiative
* Temple announcements!
* No temple announcements
* Speaking in Tongues (new area authority seventies are announced and others released and many foreign names are read aloud and if somebody tunes into the broadcast at that moment it looks as if the Church has gone Pentecostal)
* People notice they are on the big screens as the cameras pan over the congregation and try to imperceptibly move to see if it's *really* them (less common now that the big screens are now on a different feed from the broadcast)
* Very, very short talk
* Long talk
* An Apostle or FP member is a no-show for the entire conference
* Talk in foreign language
* Apostle who's essentially a walking corpse speaks (bonus if he hasn't appeared for a while and some people think he's dead)
* Sounds suspiciously like a “farewell to mortality” talk
* The speaker who gave that “farewell to mortality” talk is still alive six months later

## Second and Third Hours

### Classes

* The disclaimer
* Debater/devil’s advocate
* Strange insights
* Off-topic comment
* *Video Presentation* (shows videos for a majority of the lesson)
* Teacher uses/preaches false doctrine
* Poorly-timed joke from member of the audience
* *...and then they made me their chief* (sidebar conversation is heard as there is a sudden silence)
* Asks for volunteer to say prayer
* Homework assignment (frequently given over Facebook, sometimes the evening before)
* Nobody did the homework assignment
* Teacher leaves a meaningful commitment with meaningful promised blessings that he/she intends to follow up on.
* *Checking off the “Leave a Commitment” Box* (teacher leaves an empty commitment purely for the sake of leaving a commitment, with no intent whatsoever to follow up; usually followed by empty affirmative responses)
* *Empty Promised Blessings* (teacher comes up with inane blessings or is so general that you can tell that the commitment is honestly kind of meaningless)
* Nobody answers a question
* Teacher keeps asking questions (frequently bad ones) in an attempt to spur discussions
* Teacher attempts to teach primarily by asking questions and does a good job
* Teacher attempts to teach primarily by asking questions but does a mediocre job and the lesson lurches from one inane/halfhearted/incoherent/irrelevant/lame/misplaced/useless/etc. question to another
* Rhetorical question
* Question with such an obvious answer nobody feels a need to say anything
* “Guess what I'm thinking” question
* Asks for personal experiences (frequently ones people are reluctant to discuss publicly)
* Asks a question nobody is supposed to answer, just reflect on (frequently about overcoming bad habits, sins, etc.)
* Somebody answers the question nobody's supposed to answer
* The same people answer all the questions
* Teacher essentially asks class members to confess sins
* Citing the dictionary as part of class (bonus if he/she says the year he/she was reading from).
* Blurter
* *Hat Trick* (same person gives 3 comments in the same class)
* Long scripture passage read by multiple people
* Person spaces out when it’s his time to read
* Splits into groups
* Shows video
* Technical Difficulties
* Handouts
* Reads from manual
* Asks class member to read from the manual
* Said class member doesn't have a manual
* Class member shares scriptures/phone/tablet/manual with another person
* Teacher shares phone/scriptures/manual with class member
* Entire class is straight from the manual with no deviation or creativity on the teacher’s part
* *Marathon Reader* (single class member reads a passage for more than three minutes without interruption)
* *Inline Footnotes* (teacher interrupts with commentary at least five times during a single stretch of reading)
* URL on whiteboard
* Raise your hand if this applies to you…
* Silence for self reflection
* Empty praise for comment
* PowerPoint lesson
* Refreshments
* Teacher obviously was not listening to comment
* Teacher disagrees with comment (obvious through body language or voice in “Yeah” response) but doesn't do anything else
* Teacher corrects class member
* Class member correct teacher
* Is this a lesson or a scripture-reading marathon?
* Fills the last five minutes with garbage instead of ending early
* Keeps going even though church/class should be over
* Intellectually dead application-only lesson
* Spiritually dead intellectual-only lesson
* Good balance between intellectual and spiritual elements
* History lesson
* Implies applications are church doctrine
* Testifies of said applications
* Does something strange to get attention (claps hands, flips lights on and off, lights something on fire, etc.)
* Molly Mormon/Peter Priesthood comment
* Teacher offers a stretch explanation where simpler more generally accepted one exists
* Opinionated teacher whose viewpoint transcends all others’
* Opinionated student whose viewpoint transcends all others’ gives a comment
* The lesson morphs into a two-way debate between two opinionated individuals
* Person from another class is attending (including investigators in Gospel Doctrine)
* Parents with children in attendance
* Opening song (Sunday school only)
* Lesson becomes centered around latest Church social media campaign
* Class member crying
* Teacher crying
* Child crying
* Lesson on the truthfulness of Mormon culture
* Confusion over Church doctrine, Mormon culture, and Church policy
* False doctrine
* Deep doctrine
* Teacher fails to notice when there is an investigator present (bonus if in Gospel Principles)
* *Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch* (forces the lesson back on topic)
* Person doing homework/work/taxes during lesson
* Phones out but not to the manual or scriptures
* Misspellings on whiteboard
* Teacher asks class member to act as his “scribe”
* Discussion of parenting techniques
* Passing of the roll (and it never makes it to you)
* Member of class asked to bear testimony
* Object lesson
* Foiled object lesson
* Cliche object lesson
* Object lesson described instead of actually done
* Paper-thin analogy shattered by class member
* Class member asks similar question instead of answering it.
* Class member then required to answer his own question
* Nobody knows where to pass the roll/sign up sheet
* Teacher was not able to hit every point of the lesson
* Teacher cuts off discussion so they can “get through the lesson”
* Teacher rushes to cover the last half of the lesson in the last five minutes
* Two different people thought they were teaching on the same week
* Nobody thought they were teaching that week
* Class member can't read fluently
* Teacher asks for volunteer to read scripture
* Teacher asks for volunteer who hasn't read yet to read the scriptures
* Teacher feels a need to answer all questions, even the inane, obvious, and those to which he doesn't know the answer
* *Have you even read the Quran?* (inane question asked by class member)
* Person raises hand but forgets what he was going to say
* ...and then remembers long after the topic has passed
* Unsolicited mission story
* *Quiet, I'm being Transubstantiated!* (class member misuses weird terminology, especially words that don’t apply to Mormonism)
* Story of friend/family member life
* Baptism story
* Marriage story
* Teacher adds commentary to every comment and scripture
* Wrong scripture read
* Teacher gives wrong scripture reference
* Video playing louder than the TV can handle
* Video clip from non-Church movie
* Teacher hands out worksheets or notecards and pens/pencils (which are inevitably used for something else)
* Discussion on how Joseph Smith was essentially the most perfect person who ever lived with absolutely no faults in his character
* Teacher (or assigned “scribe”) is left-handed
* Teacher asks you to follow him on social media.
* Combined fifth Sunday lesson
* Combined fifth Sunday lesson moved to another week for some reason or another
* Teacher selectively acknowledges comments from class members or things written on the whiteboard when he/she asks people to come up and write or state their thoughts; these selectively-acknowledged comments generally perpetuate Mormon culture
* Teacher deliberately misinterprets comment that speaks out against Mormon culture so that it just perpetuates Mormon culture instead
* Teacher throws back a question (frequently a difficult one) back to the class (e.g., Q: "If the Word of Wisdom says to eat meat only during the winter and times of excessive hunger, then why did the ward have that barbecue party last night?" A: "Good question. What do the rest of you think?")

### Priesthood Meeting

* Elder’s quorum is helping someone move this week
* Same guy as always announces regularly occurring activity
* Nobody can play the piano, so the opening hymn is sung “a capella”
* Only pianist is a YM who knows 1-3 hymns
* Missionary Moment: The Regular
* Woman present (usually for an announcement. Bonus if she sticks around for the lesson)

### Relief Society

* Man present (usually for an announcement. Bonus if he sticks around for the lesson)
* Intricate handouts
* Centerpiece
* Crying while bearing a testimony, recalling a personal experience, speaking about a family member, speaking about a former relationship, etc. etc. etc. etc.

### Primary

* Kids (usually older boys) lipsyncing rather than singing because they think it's cool not to sing.
* Something hidden under a random chair in the room for a Sharing Time activity (pandemonium ensues)

## Anytime, Anywhere

### Common Words and Phrases

* “Trials and Tribulations”
* “I came to the conclusion…”
* “Peace and Joy”
* “Bear with me”
* “Trust in the mysteries of God”
* “[Mission language] is the language of the celestial kingdom”
* “Tender Mercies”
* “All intensive purposes”
* Odd use of the word *even*
* “Oh my heck”
* “How the heck are you?” (usually some old guy)
* “Fetch”
* “...in the name of Thy Son…” (not in a prayer)
* “Patriartical blessing” (note the mispronunciation)
* “Moisture”
* “Ensign” (the military rank pronunciation)
* “Amen” (pronounced “ah-men”)
* “Abraham’s bosom”
* “On my mission…”
* “Taking out <pronoun> endowments”
* “Endeavors”
* “Taking names to the temple” and similar
* “I have never met someone who didn't enjoy their mission” and similar
* “I never planned on going on a mission, but...” and similar
* Alphabet Soup
* “I have been reflecting lately on…”
* “Maybe” in a prayer
* "Good morning/afternoon, brothers and sisters"
* *Brother Joseph* (Brother/Sister [first name])

### Common Misconceptions / False Doctrine

* Happiness is a Choice
* Being Yourself is Evil
* Makes fun of another faith/hints they are evil
* Taking names to the temple (they're people, not just names)
* Mention of caffeine/WoW misinterpretation
* Outside of Utah = “The Mission Field”
* Us vs. Them
* Utah = Zion
* Video games are evil
* Catholic Church = the Great and Abominable Church
* The Counter-Hippie-Counter-Culture
* The Church, GAs, etc. are perfect
* Everybody is Republican
* God has a plan for you (hinges on an affirmation of predestination)
* *The Spirit Makes You Cry* (associations of the Spirit with certain feelings or responses, including the common ones like euphoria or spinal tingling)
* Depression/anxiety caused by sin
* *"Be Smart" means going to college* (over-fixating on college under guise of Gordon B Hinckley's B's)
* “It's unfortunate that I have to use the Atonement” and similar
* Preaching the Gospel of Extraversion
* Jesus drank grape juice
* Classical music is universally uplifting

### Quotes and References

* Azlan is Jesus (C.S. Lewis quote)
* *Darwin Repented* (claims that a controversial scientist retracted his “heretical” beliefs)
* *Dumbledore is the Thirteenth Apostle* (Harry Potter)
* "Victor Hugo is the Fourteenth Apostle" (quotes Les Miserables)
* General conference reference
* Hymn quote (bonus if it’s a full verse or the full song)
* Misquotation of hymn
* *Lost in Translation* (quote that only makes sense in its original language)
* Michael Jackson reference
* Movie reference
* *Navi is the Holy Ghost* (video game analogy)
* *Preach My Gospel* reference
* Quotes BoM
* Quotes D&C
* Quotes dead General Authority
* Quotes Disney movie
* Quotes *Journal of Discourses*
* Quotes living General Authority
* Quotes OT
* Quotes NT
* Quotes PoGP
* Quotes popular Broadway musical
* *Science and Faith Go Together* (quotes a scientist)
* Song quote
* *The Book of Mormon is Truer in Spanish* (explains nuance present only in a non-English translation of a hymn or scripture)
* *English is the language of the restoration* (explains nuance only present in English version of a hymn or scripture)
* *The Force is the Priesthood* (Star Wars analogy)
* *Do or do not…* (Star Wars quote)
* Movie quote
* Movie analogy
* *The First Thousand Years* (quotes a fringe gospel scholar such as Cleon Skousen)
* *An Enemy Hath Done This* (quotes some of the anticommunist rhetoric from the mid-Twentieth Century from church authorities such as ETB)
* *The Philosophies of Men...* (quotes a well known philosopher such as Plato or Socrates)
* *...Mingled with Scripture* (points out similarity between a scripture and world philosophy)
* *The Stick of Bruce* (quotes Mormon Doctrine or other non-authoritative writings/talks of Bruce R McConkie)
* Uncited scripture quote
* Video game reference
* *Klingon Skousen* (crosses pop culture with gospel topics, especially speculative gospel topics)
* *We Believe…* (Article of Faith recited/quoted)
* References or quotes an anime/manga

* Quotes a scripture without referencing it
* Confuses a General Authority quote with a scriptural quote
* *A Movie Called Star Wars* (Refers to well-known work as if you haven't heard about it before)
* Quote or reference from R-Rated movie
* Pithy quote

### Activities

* Encouragement to go to activity because there will be food
* *Activities are a Saving Ordinance* (encouragement to attend activities for the sake of being righteous)
* “Food” at an activity is just packaged cookies, some other sweets, and/or chips
* Combined activity where one sex mostly does not participate.
* *Affirmative Action Activity* (e.g. you have to involve a YW to score, YW scores are worth double, etc…)
* Activity devolves into playing basketball
* The dreaded “planning” activity
* Priesthood Meeting Announcement: Priests/teachers doing unplanned activity, deacons doing scouts
* Next Point Wins
* Ward/Stake Halloween Party: Really lame haunted house that doesn't scare anyone over the age of six
* Potluck where only those in charge brought food
* An EXCESSIVE number of activities planned
* *What are introverts?* (Activities are so introvert unfriendly that the only introverts who show up have callings related to it)

### Auxiliary Meetings

* Meeting is cancelled at the last minute, but nobody tells you
* Meeting is scheduled, but nobody tells you
* Meeting is scheduled via social media
* No apparent purpose in the meeting; only appears to have been scheduled because the leaders wanted to feel as if they were fulfilling their callings

### Other

* Someone openly chastises another for inappropriate manner of dress.
* Accidental double entendre (usually accompanied with audible giggles)
* Forced laughter because a “popular” person made a dumb joke (or the speaker quoted a joke—frequently a dumb one everybody has heard millions of times—from General Conference)
* Lame joke and forced laughter
* Something that sounds at first like a joke but isn't, yet there is still forced laughter
* Lame joke and no laughter
* Article of Faith misquoted (frequently by Primary children—“paradisical,” “chased by an elephant,” etc.)
* Scriptural misquotation
* Declaring the theme of the meeting
* Story of reluctantly following spiritual prompting
* Faith-promoting fiction
* Sister Missionaries turn water into gasoline through prayer and faith (and other folklore)
* Corny recitation of recent church social media initiative
* YW theme recital
* Empty praise for recent church media initiative
* Bible-bashing experience
* Bizarre/incorrect conjugation of archaic English (“...thou wouldest…”, “thou’s” instead of "thine")
* Misstatement of what LDS believe
* Misstatement of what other faiths believe
* Missouri = Zion
* [Where I grew up, etc.] = Zion
* Mountains as temples
* Brags about media they don't consume
* BYU/U of U rivalry
* BYU referred to as “The Lord’s University”
* Controversial subject
* Cringe-worthy joke
* Dad joke
* Audible gasp from the audience
* Death in the family (or some other recent tragic event)
* Extension of/reference to preceding testimony/talk
* Front row(s) empty
* Good joke (it makes you laugh genuinely)
* Impression of a celebrity
* Impression of a fictional character
* Impression of a General Authority (Usually Pres. Uchtdorf)
* Inappropriate mention of Heavenly Mother
* Even more inappropriate mention of the plurality of Heavenly Mothers
* Invitation to sit closer
* Makes a joke but nobody laughs
* Member missionary experience
* Mention of an internet meme
* Mention of friend or family member on mission
* Mention of LGBT friend or family member
* Mention of pets
* Mention of upcoming or recent holidays
* Mentions personal encounter with General Authority
* Misquotation of scripture or General Authority
* Misattribution of quote
* Misrepresentation of General Authority Title (“Elder Uchtdorf”, “Uchtdorf”)
* Story of mutually respectful conversation with somebody of another faith
* Patriotism
* Personal Progress/Eagle Scout stuff
* Pioneers!!!
* Girls’ Camp/Scout Camp/YM high adventure activity
* Trek
* Family relation to pioneer
* Prayer/testimony in foreign language
* Prayer becomes a sermon/lasts more than 90 seconds
* Reference to anti-Mormon stuff (usually ill-placed)
* Reference to current events
* Sacred Grove/outdoor spiritual experience
* Sanctity of football/other sport
* Sports analogy
* Shameless plug for family history work or indexing
* Shares something from patriarchal blessing
* Social media reference
* Someone is playing games on their phone
* Spoonerism (e.g. acon and beggs)
* Taboo word or phrase (e.g. sexual topics)
* *Tactless Truth* (states completely true doctrine in an abrasive manner)
* *That our Strength may be Faithened* (mixes up two words)
* Too much personal information
* Describes the circumstances under which they personally choose not to take the sacrament
* Unintentionally causes laughter
* Unusual analogy
* Unusual connection to a general authority
* Unusual euphemism
* *Balaam’s Donkey* (substitution for a word that's not profane under certain contexts)
* *Abraham Saddled His Ass* (person uses scripture to justify swearing)
* Dam Jokes
* *Wait… We actually do believe that!* (says something that sounds false, but upon further thought is actually true, such as “Man’s destiny is to eliminate death”)
* Bizarre insights
* Cell phone goes off (bonus if it's an inappropriate ringtone)
* Visitor accidentally sustains/oppose calling/makes vote of thanks
* Somebody opposes a motion
* Missionaries approach you just to ask for referrals
* Prayer to the wrong person (such as to Joseph Smith)
* Attempt to identify the Great and Abominable Church (bonus if it’s the Democratic Party)
* *Wait, how old are you?* (person who looks incredibly young for his/her age doing something associated with certain age groups, such as passing or blessing the sacrament, attending a class or quorum, serving as a full-time missionary, etc.)
* Bishopric, quorum advisor, etc. chastises a male (especially a YM) for not wearing a white shirt and/or tie
* All ward announcements given over social media network
* *Como era la cita?* (person has to quote scripture in mission language to remember what it says in English)
* Airplane Missionary Work--person discusses how he/she shared the gospel with a seatmate on an airplane (or similar experience)
* *Still Thinking in Spanish* (RM who served using a foreign language uses mission language accidentally - bonus if he or she has been home for a while)
* *Stuck in the Mission* (2+ year RM lamenting not being a missionary anymore)
* *My Mission Was the Only Part of My Life* (the one guy who tells only stories from his mission even though he has been home for over 2 years)
* *Wait, That's in Spanish* (person [almost] accidentally reads from foreign language scriptures)
* *You won't get this, but...* (telling an inside joke outside the group where it's funny.)
* *Do Knowledge* (inside joke ascends to become a widespread theme of a mission, stake, etc…)
* “This part of the lesson only applies to men/women”
* Treating GAs (especially apostles) as if they're celebrities
* Teacher, leader, or presiding authority invites people to move up closer to the front
* Addressing gender-specific topics (motherhood, childbirth, Priesthood duties, etc) in a combined meeting.
* Proper introduction of a scripture and its context rather than just reading it in isolation.
* Speaker, teacher, leader, etc. pulls some stunt to “wake you up”/”get the blood flowing”
* Assertion that spouse is perfect while readily acknowledging own faults
* Mention of growing up with/having 6+ siblings (or having that many children)
* Benign violation of Church policy (e.g. activities you have to pay for)
* Person exaggerates fact or gets it completely wrong
* Refreshing Realism
* *Apology for changed voice* (apologizes for having a raspy voice, laryngitis, etc.)
* *The gospel in dirty diapers* (makes a weird connection to the gospel from some mundane and less-than-pleasant activity)
* Person falls asleep and snores (can be in class, in the foyer, etc.)

## The Saints (and the sinners—which includes the same people)

### The Manner of Apparel (at church)

* Jeans
* T-shirt
* Polo shirt
* Dress clothing that is either so dirty or so wrinkled it almost looks casual
* Overly formal (tuxedo, ball gown, prom dress, etc.)
* Immodest outfit
* Tennis shoes
* Running shoes
* Cowboy boots
* Work/hiking boots
* Clothing that was out of style even when your parents were young (three-piece suits, top hats, walking sticks, etc.)
* Very, very expensive outfit
* Work uniforms (worn by somebody going to work after church or who had work beforehand)
* Military uniform
* Baptismal dress
* Colored shirts on men
* Man not wearing a tie
* Man wearing a novelty tie
* Tie tied improperly (too long or too short)
* Deacon Collar (aka Deaconitis)
* Bearded bishopric member
* Earring(s) on a guy
* Too many earrings on girl
* Piercings where there shouldn't be
* Prominent tattoo (bonus if gotten while active member)
* Crossdresser
* Unconventional tie knot (e.g. Slice, Trinity, Eldritch)
* Clip-on/zip-up tie on full-grown adult
* Cowboy hat
* Hoodies and other non-dress jackets during colder weather
* Pants/pantsuit on women
* Lavalava
* Somebody wearing a sweater but no shirt underneath
* Business casual
* Children wearing non-dress clothing
* Sleeveless dress
* Star Wars tie
* Tie with corporate logos
* Tie with cartoon characters
* Other novelty tie (e.g. singing tie)
* Very Mormony tie (filled with “CTR,” silhouettes of temples, etc.)
* White tie that probably should be worn only in the temple or in a baptismal font
* Bow tie
* Bolo/bola/shoestring tie

### The Manner of Speaking

* \*intermittent sobs\* that obscure actual words
* Incoherent (no semblance of a train of thought, excessive ums, uhs, likes, etc.)
* Missionary cadence
* Sister Missionary voice
* No idea what he wants to talk about
* Unusually Quiet
* Primary Voice
* Relief Society Voice
* Spirit Voice
* Speaker's mouth is full of saliva AND THEY DON'T SWALLOW IT
* Smacking of the lips
* Brain Fart
* Excessive use of substitute swear words
* Use of terminology that is weird for Mormons but common in mainstream Christianity (e.g. *communion*, *mass*, *trinity*, *Father God*)
* Grammatical error
* Thick accent
* Personal pronouns other than thee, thine, thou, etc. in a prayer
* *William Shatner Pacings* (lots of pauses that aren't dramatic; it sounds as if their mouths need to catch up with their brains)

### Other

* Brother-Handshake-Obsessed approaches you

## Missionary Work

### Elder/Sister Pharisee

* Refuses under any circumstances to enter living quarters before 9:00 PM
* Insists on knocking on a door after dark when there are no lights on in the house (bonus if in a rural area where people go the bed with the sun)
* *We must walk side-by-side at all times!* (makes up rules and tries to enforce them)
* *Enforcing my “side-by-side at all times” rule takes up so much energy the Lord accepts my sleeping in* (makes up rules and tries to enforce them, but breaks actual rules found in the White Handbook)
* Insists unconditionally on calling investigators “Brother/Sister [Surname]”
* Obsession with numbers
* Insists on going tracting on Christmas day or some other family-centered holiday when tracting does much more harm than good
* Insists that spending a full hour for lunch or dinner is a sinful waste of time

### Unrighteous Dominion (Leadership)

* *It's Not Poaching if You're a --- Leader* (AP/ZL/DL/STL makes an excuse for why they can poach an investigator in your area)
* Leader strategically orchestrates an exchange to get/avoid a meal appointment (perhaps one with certain “favorite” members)
* Leaders pressure companionships into setting goals they can't achieve

### Every Member a Mission President

* Tells missionaries how to do their jobs (frequently with techniques from decades past)
* Reports wrongdoings to the mission president
* Reports perceived wrongdoings to the mission president
* Tries to enforce the rules
* Disturbed/perturbed that missionaries don’t spend more time tracting
* *When I was a Missionary, We Weren't Allowed to…* (tries to enforce rules he had and you don't)
* *Give to Those Who Ask* (tries to make you do something with a very loose basis in scripture)

### Numbers Game

* *We Had a Great Lesson with Number Six* (companion insists on counting a principle + prayer (or the distribution of a pass-along card) on the street as a lesson)
* Two or more companionships are present at a lesson and both count it in their key indicators (bonus if counted as member present lesson)
* Tripanionship counts all lessons as member present.
* A person approaches the missionaries, who count it as a referral.

### Meetings, Zone Conferences, etc.

* *We missed our goal of one baptism per companionship last transfer? Let's do better by setting a goal of* two *per companionship this transfer!* (Leadership hypes everybody into setting even more unrealistic goals when their initial unrealistic goals aren't met)
* Inane obedience lesson
* Petty correction
* *The people you knew in the pre-existence begged you to teach them the gospel when they announced ‘callings’ for mortality* (leadership uses completely speculative doctrine to guilt you into talking to more people on the streets, increase tracting time, etc.)
* Training hijacked by the APs/ZLs
* “Called To Serve” somewhere in the program
* Training treats missionary work like sales
* Training peddles the idea that the only way to do missionary work is through extremely extroverted means
* Leadership (especially APs and ZLs) promise blessings “in the Name of Jesus Christ” if the mission/zone follows some goal or new initiative
* Leadership (especially APs and ZLs) promise that if everybody in the zone reads the Book of Mormon in its entirety this month/transfer, *everybody's* baptismal goals will be met (or similar promise that falls through either because it was unrealistic or because two elders failed to do all their reading—which is certainly the reason why *your* prepared investigators dropped off the face of the earth, even though you and your companion did all your reading)

### Referrals

* Member refers a friend, but forbids the missionaries to say he/she sent them.
* Member refers a friend, but forbids the missionaries to extend a baptismal commitment
* Referrals given without being asked
* Overhyped Referral (member hypes you up for one of their “awesome” friends who turns out to not be interested in the slightest)
* *Underhyped Referral* (person unenthusiastically referred turns out to be totally ready)
* Prank referral (usually via mormon.org)

### Lessons

* Member present hijacks lesson
* Member present hijacks lesson with deep doctrine (Kolob, etc.)
* Member present panics upon missionaries’ extension of baptismal commitment (especially during first lesson) and steers the discussion another way (or similar behavior)
* Member forgets what the lesson/purpose is.
* Member bears testimony on something unrelated to the lesson (bonus if not doctrine)
* *Teaching from a Fire Hose* (far too much is taught in one sitting, usually caused by overzealous member)
* *Teaching from a Sippy Cup* (lesson is so oversimplified that it's an insult to the investigator's intelligence, such as explaining who Jesus is to a devout Baptist)
* *Standard First Vision Recitation* (First Vision recited in the common and highly predictable rhythm to the point where it loses some of its power)
* Unabridged First Vision (includes part about being seized by Satan)
* Plays Restoration video instead of teaching the lesson properly.
* Beating around the bush when teaching the Law of Chastity or other doctrines missionaries feel uncomfortable teaching (see German’s Law of Chastity Lesson)
* You or your companion extends a baptismal invitation at an inappropriate time
* Missionaries somehow overlook the fact that those they were teaching didn't keep their commitments
* Scripture read without necessary introduction as if the investigator already knows the context surrounding it

### Opposition in all Things

* Job prevents investigator from attending church.
* Eighteenigator (investigator has to wait to turn 18 to get baptized)
* “I got a sign I shouldn't join the church”
* Family member, significant other, coworker, television, neighborhood psychic, barista at Starbucks, vision from heaven, crazy NRA/Second Amendment guy across the street, etc. etc. etc. prevents or forbids  investigator from meeting with missionaries or going to church
* Investigator also meeting with JWs
* Somebody answers the door with a gun or other weapon
* Somebody answers the door in underwear or entirely naked
* Pastors
* Lesson interrupted by telephone, pets, neighborhood kids, backfiring cars, gang wars, meteor impacts, tsunamis, etc., etc., etc., especially right after the First Vision is described.
* Investigator/less-active member distracted by his new 3D television/new lawnmower/refurbished sports car/etc., which he must show off to the missionaries

### Companionships

* Unscheduled companionship inventory
* Companionship inventory somehow lasts longer than the weekly planning session
* Homosexual companion (usually closeted)

### Other

* Host at dinner appointment insists the missionaries have seconds/thirds
* Missionaries have to go halfway across their area to do something almost completely useless/go to an appointment, etc. which falls through
* “Service” project requested by somebody for such a small task that the person could have easily done it himself.
* *Service From Hell* (person being served doesn’t want to be served or makes the service especially difficult)
* Minority-language missionaries (such as Spanish in the United States) teach the competent majority-language speakers they find and hand off the crazy majority-language people to the the majority-language missionaries
* *We’re not allowed to watch TV*: missionary absentmindedly makes a statement to a nonmember about missionary rules in a way that makes it sound as if these rules apply to all Mormons
* *Poaching* (another companionship teaches someone in your area)
* *Poached Baptism* (another companionship baptized someone in your area)
* *...it Never Ends Well* (Poached convert passed onto the correct ward and goes inactive from lack of fellowship)
* Joseph Smith Shrine prank
* Companion insists on dropping investigator because they did not commit to baptism on the first lesson
* Mission- or zone- or district-specific key indicators