The Search for WeskerPawnch

Hell, it's about time

**The Search for WeskerPawnch** (大きなゲイの無意味な冒険) or ***Around the World with 80 Gays*** was a grand adventure undertaken by Gay Robot, Vice, and the majority of the Weskerocity main cast and supporting cast to discover what happened to WeskerPawnch. It has been called the greatest most ambitious crossover since Infinity War or Super Smash Buddhas.

## The Unbearable Itch

Immediately following the events of Yureihime, Gay Robot's all night graveyard smash actions had finally abolished the terrible horny feelings that had once consumed his soul. His post corpse nut clarity quickly replaced those horny feelings with new ones of great rage, as well as a horribly agonizing itching and burning sensation in his crotch. Gaybo had not forgiven Wesker for duping him with false promises of hot ghost honeys and he was going to find that fucker and possibly plug a .45 ACP round into the middle of his pale skull.

Vice, after several failed attempts to claw out his own eyes, had secretly slipped away at some point in the middle of Gaybo's cadaver copulation. Staggering back to the Vice Squad who had been waiting confused and bored for hours (and who never came to investigate the horrible noises and screaming they heard, hoping whatever was happening would kill him so they could go home), Vice could not even begin to explain the harrowing nightmare he had been forced to witness. So he didn't, he definitely didn't wanna talk about it. He instead insisted the team return to their ultimate mission in Texas, which was finding the secret Confederate Ebony stash that had been lost after the Civil War. Having found none at Ghost Sex Manor, they moved on to their next lead.

### San Antonio

Gaybo, angry, bitter, confused and blinded by rage as usual, was not going to let Vice escape. Vice was going to help him get revenge on the chicken man. Using his tracking abilities he expertly followed Vice's vomit trail to Chuck McGill's Summer Home in San Antonio, where he and his team was now looking for the Ebony stash. Using a 12 Gauge breaching round to blow open the door to the mansion, Gaybo immediately discovered the interior to be a non-Euclidean hellscape of bizarchitecture. Doors leading to nowhere, stairs that ran upside down, light fixtures ripped out of the walls, and copies of the *Financial Times* strewn about. Finding Vice in this Minecraftian spaghetti mess of construction was no one man job. He had to call for backup.

Alerting Big Mantis and Cobra of his need for backup, they deployed a support squad of several marines from Ram Ranch to assist him. A big gay helicopter blasting K-Pop descended on the lawn of the summer home and a tacticool team of 27 marines armed to the teeth with Taurus Judges and Caldwell Conversion Pistols established a perimeter. Led by Gaybo, they quickly stormed the house in search of Vice.

Deep within the false basement, Vice and his team cheered as they dynamited a false wall hidden behind a handwritten note reading "No Ebony Here, Promise xoxoxo." Cheers quickly turned to disappointed mumbled groans as the note turned out to be truthful. There was no Ebony to be found in the alcove, merely hundreds of bars of worthless gold. Knowing of a pawnshop that they could offload it on for at least a few dollars to get some return on their investment, Vice ordered it be hauled out of the mansion anyway. With wheelbarrows loaded, the Vice Squad made their way to to the exit of the summer home.

Upon leaving the basement, Vice immediately found himself staring down the barrels of 27 Taurus Judges and Caldwell's pointed at him by the marines from Ram Ranch. Gaybo stepped forward and cryptically said that Vice knew what he wanted from him. Thinking quickly and that Gaybo was still horny, Vice offered up his wife Tia Safalin as a sacrifice since she had a lot of experience having lots of painful anal sex. Vice recoiled in shock as his action was met with the sound of 27 clicks as the abrupt sight of a white woman terrified the marines, rattling them into opening fire and as expected every single Taurus and Caldwell malfunctioned. Sensing a great opportunity that a distraction would be useful, perhaps some kind of explosion or something, Vice grabbed his wife and threw her at the marines. The idea of having to touch a white woman was far too unappealing a prospect for the marines who expediently retreated back to their helicopter.

Vice and his team took advantage of the confusion and legged it to the Egg I with their wheelbarrow full of gold. They almost had it loaded and ready to escape when Vice felt a horrible stinging pain as a beanbag round slammed into him. Gaybo had taken a ghetto speedball of Modafinil, Phenylephrine, and Gabapentin to sharpen his mind and temporarly overcome his crippling debilitating terrible terrible fear of white women (and women in general). Grabbing Safalin by the legs like a sword, Vice pointed her at Gaybo, ready to fight him. Gaybo in turn leveled his Winchester M97 ready to slamfire another beanbag round into Vice's ass.

### Negotiation

Realizing they had reached an impasse, the two decided that they should negotiate. Gaybo wanted to use the Egg I to travel to the great knowledge repository of the Unmoving Library to find information on stand abilities to complete his mission. Vice did not have any problem with this and instantly accepted the request. Unwilling to accept Vice's unconditional acquiescence, Gaybo smashed the window of one of Vice's vehicles, quickly hotwired it and drove off at great speed.

### Stuck in a Distant Land

Before he was able to make a clean escape though, Vice had jumped in after him as the car he was stealing was not the Egg I but the dangerously untested prototype the Egg 0. He had been making Safalin drive it just in case it exploded since it was even clunkier and shittier than the Egg I. Vice frantically demanded Gaybo stop the car as he didn't realize the danger he was putting them in. Gaybo simply replied with "Shut the fuck up N\*\*\*\*\*" and refused. Desperate to stop him, Vice grabbed one of the gold bars he had shoved in his back pocket and cracked Gaybo across the head with it. Rather than the satisfying thud of the brick caving in the "man's" skull, Vice was instead met with the sound of glass shattering and the sight of shards of black and gold spraying across the dashboard. The gold he had taken from the manor house wasn't actually gold at all, it was Ebony that had been cleverly disguised with gold spray paint.

At the sight of the Ebony, Gaybo began furiously frothing at the mouth and started chewing on the glass. Vice tried to take advantage of the situation by grabbing the steering wheel to crash the car and kill them both to put a swift end to this bullshit. In the chaos of the scuffle a massive chunk of Ebony found its way into the fuel injection port. The engine began to knock, sputter, jolt and spew a mysterious glowing black fog. The speedometer and cigarette lighter both exploded as the car tore through spacetime catapulting its two occupants to a different time and place.

The Egg 0 rolled to a stop in a quiet suburban Mexican neighborhood somewhere in California. The silence of the early morning was only broken by the muffled sounds of bombastic funk music playing from a lowrider car parked in front of a house. Out of the car stepped a lanky autistic man with a pair of shitty Ray-ban sunglasses. It was Brandon. Except it wasn't. It was this universe's counterpart to Brandon; Brandon Lopez.

The bawdy Hispanic man greeted the two travelers with a resounding "Waapaaaaa." He still sounded as white as ever. Gaybo graciously responded by blasting Brandon in the crotch with a beanbag round. "How do you have so many of those fucking things?" Vice asked to no response. After Brandon had finished nutting from the intense pleasure of getting beaned in his beaner beans, he collapsed to the ground unconscious. Gaybo carried Brandon back to the car and stuffed him in the trunk. Vice asked why the hell he just did that. Gaybo simply responded with "Insurance." "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Vice once again asked to no answer.

"Let me drive, I can take us home." Vice said.

"Fuck off, I know how to drive." Gaybo replied

### No Running in my Lobby

Gaybo slammed the gas and shoved another fistful of Ebony into the fuel injector and the car tore off into the sunset. This time the temporal prolapse spat them out in the capital of the great nation of Tiptonia, at the foot of the massive structure that was Tipton Grand Hotel and Driving Range. This is not where they needed to be at all. "I told you let me drive" Vice said. "And I told you to shut up N\*\*\*\*\*!" Gaybo fired back. Shoving another fistful of Ebony into the injection port, the Egg 0 promptly responded by completely falling to pieces. The two and their luggage were now trapped in this degenerative realm with no way back.

"You fucking idiot this is all your fault." Gaybo accused Vice.

Vice was not there to receive this insult as he had already made his way inside the Tipton Hotel to try to make a phone call to get someone to come pick them up. After being accosted in the lobby by some talking kelp plant woman who wanted Vice to burst her pipes like a hurricane, Vice approached the reception desk to make his phone call. Vice asked if they did cross dimensional calls. The hotel manager explained that they did but there would be an extra surcharge but Vice was far too cheap to pay for that. The manager noted that cross dimension calls were however free for hotel guests. Despite that this would be far more expensive that just paying for the call, Vice decided he would stay at the hotel for the evening as he had been out all night and was still covered in vomit, grave dirt and maggot residue. His intention was to bill the room to Brandon as it was clear from his fancy sunglasses that he was good for it.

Gaybo entered into the lobby carrying Brandon above his head, declaring he was a coffee table he had bought and needed someone to help him carry him to his room. The hotel manager kindly explained that he should actually purchase a room for the evening before having his luggage brought up. Gaybo responded by firing off yet another beanbag round at the manager. The hotel manager deftly ducked behind the reception desk and returned with two Military Armament Corporation Model 10's which he began firing wildly at Gaybo while shouting "NO BUSTING CAPS IN MY LOBBY!" Gaybo grabbed Vice and ran out into the parking lot to escape the manager's wrath.

Gaybo once again stole another car from the parking lot and sped off without any plan or sense. The manager gave chase in his own tricked out Chevy Nova with sidegrab bag attachment. Gaybo led him on a chase through the streets of Tiptonia, culminating in the hotel manager running over an unfortunate young man. This young man was Brandon Tipton, the heir to the Tiptonia throne and as well as the vast DougsDaleDimmaDaleDimmaDimmsDomeDoDiDomeDimmsDimmaDimmaDome fortune. Aghast with horror that he had vehicularly manslaughtered the heir to his country's monarchy and facing certain painful execution by being strung up in prison and being eaten by hamsters, the manager broke down in despair.

### Negotiations Reprise

Gaybo offered the man a deal. Revealing that his coffee table was not in fact a coffee table but was actually Brandon Lopez, he offered to replace the dead heir with this identical twin. The manager despaired as the Hispanic man would clearly never pass for the real thing, but this was rectified when Gaybo removed Brandon's Ray-bans, completely the illusion. The two boys were now identical. The manager agreed to Gaybo's deal, asking what he wanted in return, noting that as the grand hotel manager he held great power within the institutions of Tiptonia and could grant them practically anything.

### A Strange Machine

"You could have asked for anything and you chose this." Vice complained as they drove down the street in what was now formerly the manager's Chevy Nova. "It looks cool, it's Deus Ex colored." Gaybo replied.

"It's green." retorted Vice.

"It's actually Olive Green!" replied a strange metallic voice.

"What the fuck was that?" Vice and Gaybo asked simultaneously.

"It was me, I'm your Car's Onboard Complicated Computational Compassion Compass Operator Mk 7. But you can call me Coco!" the strange voice spoke from the car's center console.

"How the fuck do you turn this thing off?" Gaybo complained as he fumbled with controls, only managing to turn the windshield wipers on.

"How the fuck do you we turn YOU off Gaybo? Maybe this weird talking box can get us home." Vice countered.

"I'm not a talking books, I'm an advanced AI created by the greatest scientific minds Greece has to offer." the AI explained proudly.

The second he heard the word Greece Vice began to panic. "TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF IT'S GONNA KILL US." Vice screamed, swiftly pouring out a jar of mysterious white liquid onto the center console trying to short circuit the obviously evil machine. The car's circuity sparked and whirred before shooting dark blue sparks and enveloping the car in a great ball of white electricity. "Monstrous are those who will not within!" Gaybo yelled and again he took the initiative by shoving his last handful Ebony into the tape player and hitting the gas as hard as he could. "What the fuck does that even mean!?" Vice shouted. Despite in no way being designed for cross dimensional warp, the Chevy Nova blasted off into a strange dark purple pinkish portal.

### Return

Finding themselves dumped back into their home dimension no worse for wear the two breathed a sigh of relief, putting aside their differences for a brief moment to share an exhausted by jubilant congratulatory high five. They had been through hell together and through this they had developed a grudging but real respect for each other. However, this reprieve was quickly cut short by some more stupid bullshit. Out of a gaping pit from Earf's core stepped that inconceivable cosmic entity from Prime Jizz, the Demiurge.

In a multi-layered voice of cacophonous thunder they heard him speak. "You have done too much damage to the consistency of reality with your shitty driving. The order of the universe must be made right. A sacrifice must be made. One of you must perish."

Gaybo immediately offered up Vice to the Demiurge as the sacrifice. Vice called Gaybo a fucking asshole.

### A Hero Ventures Forth

"Stop, I'll go!" came a voice from outside the car. Gaybo and Vice looked to see Brandon Prime standing atop a pile of copies of Megaman X, Rapelay, and George Lopez. "I have achieved all this life has to offer, I have nothing more to experience, I'm ready." Gaybo and Vice had absolutely zero objections to this arrangement. With a swipe of his jizzcloud hand, the Demiurge had Brandon crucified atop the hill of mediocre media, so that all might see the consequences of disobeying the will of the Demiurge and seeking to alter the fabric of reality. Just like that, Brandon was gone.

"No, we need him. We have to do something." Vice pondered for a moment. "I know what to do, I need you to shoot me."

"Ok." said Gaybo who instantly splattered Vice's head like a watermelon across the windshield with his Colt Single Action Army.

"This is just like Call of Duty Zombies" said Coco.

### At the Precipice of Darkness

Vice awoke on the shore of the Sanzu River, the ever present feeling of death permeated around him. He walked along the shore looking for his target. After some time he smelled a horrible odor far more powerful than the smell of death that dominated the riverside. He knew he had found him, and there he was. Sitting on a log of cow shit was Brandon. Across from him was an old familiar adversary that Brandon himself had defeated in the past, Moai Ur. The two had made peace with each other in death and were reminiscing about their great battle long ago on Easter Island.

Vice, feeling the purple fire burning in his veins, approached the shinigami operating the boat to the afterlife of Higan. "What are you doing here?" the shinigami asked, shuffling his feet nervously. "You know you're not supposed to be here. Are you lost?" Vice simply pointed to Brandon. "I need that one back."

"And what will you give me for him?" the shinigami inquired.

Vice held up a bottle of purple liquid.

The Shinigami laughed. "Heh, nice try, but not this time. He needed to drink it before he got here."

"Then how about these." Vice said, offering up a pair of stylish Ray-Ban sunglasses.

"Well they are pretty fresh, alright, you got yourself a deal."

"Come on Brandon, time to go" Vice said and the two made ready to make their exit.

"Wait!" called out a voice. It was Moai Ur. "If you go back the Demiurge will surely take him back again. You must fight. Use this, it is my people's greatest creation." Moai Ur handed his old enemy a jar of thick white liquid. "It is a Gnostic Chalice created by the great scientist Yan-Dev Ur, it will contain the Demiurge within and protect you." Brandon shook Moai Ur's big yaoi hands and said he looked forward to when they met again on the battlefield at Easter Island. Vice asked them to stop being gay and hurry this shit up.

### The End of All Things

In a flash of purple fire and a blast of buoyant disco music, Vice and Brandon returned to life at the spot where they had both been struck down. The displeased Demiurge returned ready to claim both of their lives for daring to meddle with life and death so flagrantly to his face. As the Demiurge moved to strike, Brandon thrust open the Gnostic Chalice and the Demiurge was instantly sucked into it, the white liquid draining his power. With a final shriek the Demiurge was entombed eternally within the chalice, his powerful nerve ending destroying death grip on reality shattered.

With the battle over, Gaybo, Vice and Brandon began the long walk back to base at Ram Ranch where they would eventually go their separate ways once again.

"We finally finished the fight, mission accomplished." Gaybo said proudly.

"Wait a minute." Vice wondered "What about Wesker?"

"Who the fuck is Wesker?"