2014 Power Rankings-Week 11

*Posted 11/12/14 at 4:39pm*

In science, there are several theories as to what our Universe actually is and how we are existing inside. One theory is that the laws and forces of nature, which are JUST RIGHT for human life, were put in place and finely tuned just for us here on earth and other beings like us. Another theory is that we are just one Universe in a sea of Universes known as the Multiverse where laws of physics and all the rules governing our natural world happened randomly and thus we are able to exist purely by chance. In any other Universe, we wouldn’t be able to survive. Yes, I know that is a very heavy way to start off a Fantasy Football post, except for the fact that the same theories that run our Universe run our league.

Do you believe your team is here by chance, or is some Fantasy God putting the tools in place to sustain your teams life? Does your team belong in this league, or in another sector of the multi-league-verse? I explore all this and more in this week’s science edition of the Power Rankings, brought to you by Paramount’s “Interstellar.”

CONGRATS WINTER SOLDIERS, YOU ARE OUT OF THIS WORLD BAD

The first team of the season has been launched into the losers bracket. Winter Soldiers, after suffering another humiliating defeat, is back to the drawing boards. Whether they salvage a few more wins is irrelevant as they have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. They will float around as Space Junk for the remainder of the year.

HOUSTON DEFENSE, WE HAVE A PROBLEM

Okay, so they actually own Dallas Defense but the joke only works with Houston. Moving on. With an earth-shattering loss this week, IAMGROOT has crash landed to 7th place. They are in control of their own destiny, so they should absolutely not let go of their season just yet. If they win out, they’re in.

ONE SMALL WIN FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MA MA MOMMA SAID

Not so fast, Flags on the Play. With an astronomical 116 point blowout of Papa’s Posse, MMMS reclaims 1st place and the inside track to a first-round bye. They extend their streak of 200+ point games to 8 and will clinch a playoff spot this week with a win or a loss by either Papa’s Posse or The Show Offs. As much as FOTP must be rooting against MMMS this week, Flags will also clinch a playoff spot with a MMMS win as MMMS is pitted against IAMGROOT.

IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SUCK

The battle to see who sucked the least raged on this weekend as PeytoninthePlayoffs took on Becky the Icebox. Something about playing the one person he knew he could beat must have inspired the troops as PITP had the best point total of the entire season, beating their previous best which came in week 1 against the same opponent. With 3 wins, they are still mathematically alive for a playoff spot. In fact, they also have outscored IAMGROOT on the season and are within 2 points of Papa’s Posse and 10 points of The Show Off’s. And they play me this week. Holy shit I am just realizing this team has a legitimate chance of making the playoff.

THE RANKINGS (with special sci-fi superlatives)

1(+1). ma ma momma said - this league was built for ma ma momma said, who have only had to rely on luck once the entire season. Amassing an astonishing 2421 points this year, MMMS is obviously back in the Fantasy God’s favor.

Your Sci-Fi superlative: Congratulations! You’re a Supernova! Supernovas are massive explosions that outshine entire galaxies and give off as much energy as a star typically emits over the course of its multi-billion year lifetime. Every year you seem to explode with points and annihilate everything in your path.

2(-1). Flags on the Play - Conditions in this Universe may not be as suitable for this team as previously expected. Much like the moon controls the tides, injuries control the value of fantasy players. Will Maclin be as prolific with Sanchez as QB in Philly? Can Hillman, expected to miss 2-3 weeks, be back on the field and a viable option come playoffs? There’s such a thing as peaking too early, and the tide may be receding for Flags on the Play.

Your Sci-Fi superlative: Congratulations! You’re Khan! A formidable opponent, with super strength and heightened intelligence. The number of times you’ve made owners throw their hands up in the air this season and scream KHAAAAANNN? 8. 8 times. But we all know what happened to Khan when he met his biggest adversary: a Supernova. That’s how Star trek 2 goes, right?

3(0). Money Manziel: This league was built for MM’s high flying passing attack. A decade ago conditions would not be stable enough for Money’s team to evolve past apes, but as it stands in today’s climate MM is able to flourish despite having only two active RB’s on their roster, and one of those RB’s is Chris Johnson (averaging less than 10 points a game on the season). It’s a pass-whacky universe, and we’re all just living in it.

Your Sci-Fi superlative: Congratulations! You’re Sandra Bullock in Gravity! How the hell do you keep escaping all these impossible situations? I mean projected to lose by 50, you win by 60? Cam Newton and Jay Cutler are your QBs? No problem. Shrapnel just firing at you from all directions but you make it to the space station every goddamn time.

4(0). The Shotti Bunch: Shotti’s season has been shoddy to say the least. At 6-4, they are better off than most teams but has anyone really considered them a force to be reckoned with this year? At this point last year they were 7-3, only one game better than this season. Basically we shouldn’t count this team out yet. Still, they’d be better served in last year’s Universe, which gave more weight to the quarterbacks than this year. Luck is still a big factor, just not as big.

Your Sci-Fi superlative: Congratulations! You’re the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs. I’m betting none of them saw it coming, but then you just came out of no where and killed everything. That’s what happened last season and there’s nothing to expect it can’t happen again this year. You can return and end all life on earth. Or at least end all hope in my 10 team fantasy league.

5(+2). The Show Offs: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on just a second here. Is this team in 5th place in the standings? They were on the outside looking in for a long time but they have finally arrived at the party and now are in control of their own destiny. If they beat their next two opponents they will be a game ahead of both with one to play. Man, this is about to get real interesting.

Your Sci-Fi superlative: Congratulations! You’re Star Lord! You started out as just a petty thief, swooping in and stealing Tom Bradys from unsuspecting victims in order to turn it later for a profit. But one day you stole a Tom Brady that was actually an infinity fantasy points stone and you harnessed its power to climb into a playoff spot.

6(-1) Papa’s Posse: The loss to ma ma momma said was to be expected. That should not take away from the season that Papa’s Posse has put together. They finish the season against the 9th and 10th place teams and all signs point to an above .500 season and a playoff berth after being written off by Yahoo Projections before the year even started.

Your Sci-Fi superlative: Congratulations! You’re Apollo 13! Put together using spare parts and some duct tape, you’re actually sustaining life despite leaking oxygen throughout the trip. You may not make it to the Moon (or, uh, super bowl), but never underestimate the ability to get your astronauts home...or into the playoffs.

7(+2) PeytoninthePlayoffs: Conditions are not suitable for life in this Universe. Consider moving to a Universe where trash talk actually translates into wins. A Universe where blowjobs grow on trees and beating your 9th place girlfriend actually counts for something other than a guaranteed night on the couch. In all seriousness, Peyton has great potential with a cheesecake matchup this week and some momentum building.

Your Sci-Fi superlative: Congratulations! You’re ALIEN. From the movie Alien. You are one scary looking motherfucker. You just spread your vile acid trash talk slim all over the place, occasionally murdering an innocent space ranger and harvesting future draft picks in their stomachs. Then, just when Ripley thinks you’re dead, you pop out of no where. Nope. Still alive, suckers!

8(-2). IAMGROOT: It’s IAMGROOT’s birthday today so I don’t want to go too hard on the guy, but it looks like this death spiral might not be slowing any time soon. ma ma momma said is looming this week and then they play The Show Offs probably with the season on the line. With the lowest score of the three 5-5 teams, they will probably have to make the postseason off the strength of their win-loss record and who knows if that’s possible. But hey, that’s why we play the game.

Your Sci-Fi superlative: Congratulations! You’re Anakin Skywalker when he’s a kid. You have a lot of potential, but you have to remember that you’re young and have spent your whole life building robots and pod racing. You know nothing of the Force and the anger over your team will lead to hatred of your draft and hatred leads to the Dark Side, or in this case the consolation round.

9(+1). Becky the Icebox: The Laws of Physics do not apply to Becky the Icebox, who takes their lopsided squad limping to the final weeks of the season with Derek Carr at the helm. Somewhere out there is a Universe where post-draft projections actually come true and women are actually good at fantasy football. Somewhere…

Your Sci-Fi superlative: Congratulations! You’re a Black Hole! Everything that gets too close to a Black Hole gets sucked in and is unable to escape. All season players have been sucked into the black hole of your roster and left there to die. Injuries piled on top of injuries, bodies on top of bodies. There was no escaping the terribleness.

10(-2). Winter Soldiers: Cool name, bro.

Your Sci-Fi superlative: Congratulations! You’re Pluto! You’re not even a planet anymore. You’re just floating around out there far away from all the other planets. You can’t even see the sun, that’s how far away you are. You’re pretty much just a lifeless rock floating around in circles, wondering if maybe Andre Johnson will catch a touchdown one of these years. A year on Pluto lasts 250 Earth years, in case anyone was wondering.

MATCHUP OF THE GALAXY

With the top three spots looking like a certainty, we turn to the bottom three. You have to love papa’s posse vs. The Show Off’s this week. the 4 and 5 seed battle it out for 4th place and a one game lead with two left to play. The Show Off’s has Tom Brady coming off the bye and going against a Colts defense that recently got slaughtered by Big Ben. Meanwhile, Papa’s Posse has the Colt’s lead rusher Bradshaw, veteran receiver Wayne, and star kicker Vinatieri to compliment his Pro Bowl WR Edelman. Who do you root for here if you’re me? The man who raised me, or the guy who Jedi-mind tricked me into giving him Tom Brady for Chris Ivory?