Episode 55: "Tempura Batter Me, Daddy"

*Merry Coffee, everyone! On this holiday special, the Queerwolves are gathered around the fire to roast the 2006 remake of BLACK XMAS!*

*We chat about what it’s like to clean a sorority house, the wild world of mid-2000’s ringtones, and the world’s longest mukbang.*

*Plus, in Tea Time we drop our top 5 horror movies/shows of 2019![1]*

## **Trivia**

First episode of season two. Also the first episode as part of the Fangoria Podcast Network. Michael loves *Saturday Night Live*.

Topics brought up during the episode: Kiersey Clemmons, Brennan's charity drive, school shooter at Long Beach, CA college, attackofthequeerwolfpack on Facebook, queerwolfpodcast AT gmail dot com, logo art and design by John Holland

## **Shady Summaries**

**Michael:** Watch men make a movie starring all women where they think this is how they speak to each other and then deserve to die

**Brennan:** If you're dreaming of a white Christmas, look no further

**Nay:** The one from our Facebook group that I really loved is from Sara Evans: "I'd rather eat flesh cookies than watch this movie again." Ahh, that made me laugh so hard

**Brennan:** There was a runner-up (in the Facebook group) from Dallas Jones saying, "Only the eleventh worst Christmas movie of Lacey Chabert's career." Speaking as someone who just a week ago watched *Pride, Prejudice and Mistletoe*, that's better than *Black X-Mas*. And that's not saying a lot.

## **Pride Float**

**Brennan:** So, does this movie get a Pride float?

**Nay and Michael:** No

**Brennan:** No. That was easy

**Michael:** It's not queer at all

**Nay:** But it can donate lots of money to the queer youth shelters for like when they throw their holiday meals

**Michael:** Mmm-hmm

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael**: Do we get a sense that any of the characters were possibly queer? No, right?

**Brennan:** I mean, not a lot of them have explicit sex lives, which is interesting for a movie like this

**Nay:** That's true

**Michael:** None of them have explicit *lives*

**Brennan:** Well, true

**Nay:** Or interests or like, personalities

**Michael:** Yeah. Or like, things to do or say

**Brennan:** Honestly, four of them could be in a polyamorous relationship and we'd never know it

**Nay:** True!

**Michael:** Now, really quick--

**Nay:** No, 'cause have you ever met a poly person who don't tell you they're poly? Myself included, like I'm not even hating, but like, on that list of identities where you are *sure to know* quickly

**Michael:** Hey. Proud.

**Michael:** So no Pride float. Pride community service

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

## **Quotes**

**Brennan:** Merry coffee, everybody

**Nay:** Merry coffee

**Michael:** Happy tea

**Michael:** So this is like our special, right?

**Brennan:** Our holiday special. Life Day is fast approaching. That was a really deep-cut *Star Wars* reference. I don't want to misrepresent myself as someone who cares about *Star Wars*, but you're welcome to anybody who does

**Michael:** I'm trying to look at a calendar

**Nay:** I haven't seen any *Star Wars movie,* ever

**Brennan:** *Oh!*

**Nay:** Any of them

**Brennan:** That's true power. In this economy?

**Nay:** And not like, I'm like, I would watch them--

**Michael:** (amused) "In this economy?"

**Nay:** At this point I feel overwhelmed by it. I'm like, "How can I start at the beginning?"

**Michael:** I've never been a huge *Star Wars* nut, but I've seen the last couple, either on Netflix or I think I went to the theater and saw the last one. They're fun

**Nay:** Yeah, people seem to be having a good-ass time

**Michael:** I really liked *Rogue One*

**Nay:** Baby Yoda looks cute

**Brennan:** Oh my God

**Michael:** *Oh yeah*. He's like the size of a Beanie Baby I saw someone tweet?

**Nay:** Any reference to a Beanie Baby cracks me up, I don't know why

**Michael:** I think it was Sam (Wineman)

**Nay:** Oh! Of course!

**Michael:** I think Sam said he was a Beanie Baby

**Nay:** Of course! Oh my God!

**Michael:** And I think he said, "I didn't realize he was the size of a Beanie Baby. This might be the start of *Star Wars* fandom."

**Brennan:** Anything mid-nineties to the 2000s, Sam is on it

**Michael:** Yep

**Nay:** Oh my God. That's so funny, because the moment we started talking about Beanie Babies I thought of Sam just now, and when you said it was Sam, I was like, "Of course!"

**Michael:** Yeah. It was definitely Sam

**Nay:** That's hilarious. Oh, you know which Beanie Baby I always used to look for? It was, there was like two bulls, and one of them, I forget what its name was, actually I forget the name of both of them. But one of them was worth like two thousand dollars

**Michael:** Really??

**Nay:** Yes. But it was the more rare of the two bulls

**Michael:** Shit from the Nineties

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** That people should have clung to, like old Nintendo games?

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Brennan:** No, but, is someone selling Beanie Babies for that much now?

**Nay:** No

**Michael:** Sometimes that shit goes for a ton of money later

**Nay:** You can find, you know, just gotta find one person

**Brennan:** Yeah, its niche is somewhere

**Nay:** Yeah. Definitely

**Brennan:** I'm always wondering when the Funko Pop! vinyl figure bubble is going to burst? Those prices are *climbing*!

**Michael:** Oh really?

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Nay:** Wow

**Brennan:** There's some that I've seen that are going for like eighty bucks, hundred bucks, people will pay

**Michael:** Yeah

**Nay:** Different strokes

**Michael:** Yeah. I had a friend text me last year that I hadn't spoken to in *years* from like, home, asking me if I kept any of my Nintendo games, and I was like, "*Why?*" And he sent me a link where people were buying old-school Nintendo for like a few hundred to a few thousand dollars, if you still had them

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Nay:** (unsure) Okay

**Michael:** They were becoming a rare collector item

**Nay:** Humans

**Michael:** And I was mad, because I remember wanting to keep them, and my Mom made me throw them away

**Nay:** Man, fuck your mom

**Brennan:** But also, scarcity doesn't always add value

**Michael:** (amused) "Fuck your mom"

**Brennan:** Like I wanted to watch the movie *Babycakes*, where Ricki Lake plays a mortician who falls in love with Craig Sheffer

**Nay:** *Hell yes*

**Brennan:** And the VHS is like five hundred dollars on Amazon, and I was like, "You know what? I can wait to watch this movie."

**Nay:** *All right*. Oh, go Ricki go Ricki. Oooh. I used to love to come home from school and watch *Ricki Lake*

**Brennan:** "No, she's so fat!"

**Michael:** "Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki!"

**Nay:** Oooh, come home from school, watch *Ricki Lake*, *Fresh Prince*

**Michael:** Remember when Tempestt Bledsoe had a show?

**Nay:** Yes I do

**Brennan:** Was it called "The Tempestt Bledsoe Show"?

**Michael:** I think it was called *Tempestt*, or I think it was *The Tempestt Bledsoe Show*

**Brennan:** And she just starred in a new…?

**Michael:** It was like a talk show. It was like the Nineties was also the era of the daytime talk show. Everybody had a talk show in the Nineties. Remember Jenny Jones?

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** And then she had a trial--

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm, yes

**Michael:** Because one of her guests murdered somebody?

**Brennan:** *What?*

**Michael:** It was, she actually had a guest on that revealed to-- she had a guy on that surprise revealed to another guy that he had a crush on him and the other guy *killed* him, after the show recorded

**Brennan:** That… tracks

**Michael:** Yeah

**Nay:** Right

**Brennan:** (defeated) Yeah yeah yeah

**Nay:** Damn

**Michael:** Anyhow

**Nay:** *Sally Jessy Raphael*

**Michael:** Uh-huh. Her haircut

**Nay:** (chortles)

**Michael:** Love it. And those giant glasses? I always loved when Jan Hooks played her on *Saturday Night Live*. *Donahue.* Phil Donahue?

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** Mmm-hmm. Phil Hartman played him on *SNL*, and he was always so good at it.

**Brennan:** I'm truly lost in this part of the conversation

**Michael:** Yeah. Well, you weren't even born yet (laughs)

**Nay:** Okay

**Brennan:** Not, not really. I was thinkin' about it

**Brennan:** So, what are we doing? Michael, you gave us a homework assignment.

**Michael:** I did. So, in honor of this holiday special, and it's almost the end of the year

**Brennan:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** Instead of doing a regular Tea Time, I suggested we do our Top Five movies of the year! And I really got the idea 'cause I saw that *Shock Waves* was doing their Top Ten. I saw the tweet and was like, "Oh, we should do the same thing!"

**Brennan:** There's nothing I love more than making a list, so

**Michael:** I know you do

**Brennan:** I had one at the ready

**Michael:** So I made one literally after you both agreed via text that you were okay doing it. I immediately made a list

**Brennan:** Cool. Appreciate it

**Michael:** Yeah. So who wants to go first?

**Brennan:** Nay, I heard you maybe don't have as many entries

**Nay:** Correct

**Michael:** Okay

**Nay:** So I'm gonna go after you, in case I wanna steal one of y'all's and be like, "Oh yeah, duh. That one."

**Brennan:** I will say, mine is not all movies, because I was kind of slacking on the movie front this year

**Michael:** I have one TV show in mine as well

**Brennan:** Yeah, so do I

**[Brennan and Michael discuss the order they're going to go in]**

**Brennan:** Michael and I will go back and forth and Nay can be like, "That was definitely on my list."

**Nay:** Yeah. *Perfect.* Perfect

**Brennan:** Also, to give texture to my list, I took out three titles that were gonna be on there that were created by people who have been guests on the show formerly

**Michael:** Oh, I didn't worry about that

**Brennan:** I was like, I want some extra things

**Michael:** Okay

**Brennan:** So if one of my runner-ups is mentioned by you, I'll flag it

**Michael:** Okay. I'm also gonna preface to people, I haven't seen everything, so don't tweet me that, "*What about this*?" I prolly didn't see it

**Brennan:** Oh, yeah. I definitely didn't see everything

**Nay:** Same

**Brennan:** *Pet Sematary* (2019)? Nope!

**Nay:** Yeah, I didn't see that either

**Brennan:** *Doctor Sleep?* Not yet

**Nay:** Haven't seen that either

**Michael:** I saw that.

**Michael:** So I have some that I said are worthy of mention, like extra movies that I *liked* this year. Should I mention 'em now or at the end?

**Brennan:** Let's mention them at the end--

**Michael:** Okay

**Brennan:** In case they show up on mine

**Michael:** Perfect

**Brennan:** Also, we're recording in late November--

**Michael:** Yes

**Brennan:** So things that came out after this will not show up!

**Michael:** Brennan's number five, everybody

**Brennan:** Okay

**Michael:** I'm gonna do that *every* time

**Brennan:** Thank you five. It's a movie that came out in February, it's called *The Prodigy* by Nicholas McCarthy. It's that one--

**Michael:** Saw it

**Brennan:** Did you see it?

**Michael:** Mmm-hmm. Saw it in the movie theater

**Brennan:** Okay, I was kind of dragged by Sergio to see *The Prodigy*, because I was like, "This looks, you know, pretty so-so." I mean, I do love some early year horror, like January February horror movies

**Michael:** My first pick is also in February

**Brennan:** Oooh!

**Michael:** Yeah

**Brennan:** I'm excited.

**Michael:** Yeah

**Brennan:** But yeah, *The Prodigy*, it does, it's very silly and there were a lot of moments, especially in the first act where I was like, "Oooh, I don't know. I don't know if this is gonna be the movie for me." But there is a scene in the middle of this movie that goes absolutely *hog wild*, just throws caution to the wind

**Michael:** There actually was some daring stuff in this movie

**Brennan:** *Yes*

**Michael:** I didn't particularly love the movie, but I was actually, I love where they went a couple of times, like they went there

**Brennan:** Oh yeah.

**Nay:** Looks good

**Brennan:** I don't think-- (to Nay) Did you see it?

**Nay:** No

**Brennan:** Okay

**Nay:** Looking at it now, and it's--

**Brennan:** I guess I should briefly mention what it's about. It's about, I think it's Taylor Schilling?

**Michael:** It is

**Brennan:** Yeah. She has a kid, and the kid may or may not have the soul of a dead serial killer, you know, pupating inside of him, and scary stuff happens

**Michael:** That happened to die the same day he was born

**Brennan:** Yeah. Very *My Soul to Take*. And yeah, it just goes completely off the rails in a way that had me just *chowing down* on that popcorn. I was like, "Hell yeah. This movie's crazy." It's wild. Sorry, I'm trying to reduce my use of that word

**Michael:** My number five is, and people are gonna give me shit for being biased--

**Nay:** Once you said February, I knew

**Michael:** It is *Happy Death Day 2 U*

**Nay:** Of course. That's on my list, too

**Michael:** Yeah

**Brennan:** Yeah. That's on my list of stuff I took off because Chris Landon's been on the show

**Michael:** Yeah, well, I don't care. (laughs) I actually saw this movie in theaters opening weekend. I went with Chris, he had a group of friends that he invited to go to the Arclight and watch this movie with him, and we actually sat *right* behind him, and I got really embarrassed because I started sobbing when Tree is talking to her mom

**Brennan:** Mmm-hmm

**Nay:** Mmmm

**Michael:** The alternate mom

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Michael:** And she is really laying her heart out there and her mom is saying how she's proud of her and stuff. My Dad had died less than a year before and that scene really resonated with me, because that's like the moment I think a lot of people wish they *had* with a lost loved one, and Tree got to have that, even though it was essentially a multiverse version of her mother. So that is a stand-out scene, and I think the scene is so well-written that it would stand out in any movie, but particularly in a slasher movie, you don't get a lot of scenes like that

**Brennan:** Yeah. In a slasher sequel, *too*, to have that kind of pathos

**Michael:** In a slasher sequel. And I'm a *huge* fan of the first movie, but upon a second watch-- I went and watched the movie again, wondering if I might feel the same way about it and I do, and I might, it might be another number two that I appreciate more than a number one

**Nay:** *Mmmmmm*

**Brennan:** *Obsessed*

**Michael:** You know, it's-- I'm a huge fan of Chris, obviously, but it just does some stuff again, like *The Prodigy*, it fuckin' throws the rules out the window that the first movie created for itself and it still works. And it's a cool movie

**Brennan:** And it's fun for a sequel to do that while still being in continuity, so it's not like *Friday the 13th: A New Beginning* where it's like, "Oh, this is a completely different movie."

**Michael:** *Yeah*. It literally starts up at the same moment of the first movie

**Nay:** Yeah. I love that

**Michael:** You know? Like, it takes everything about the first movie, kind of throws it out the window but it doesn't, you know what I mean? It respects the events of the first film but it's like, "Here, I'm gonna give you something completely different." And I know talking to Chris, the reason he did that is because he *didn't* want to do the same movie again. The natural inclination is to do a sequel where she's in a time loop again

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Michael:** And you're just remaking the first film. And I think that's a daring move, and for me it really really worked

**Brennan:** Absolutely!

**Michael:** Really funny too

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm. It's hilarious

**Brennan:** And Lizzo did a song for it…

**Michael:** Yeah

**Nay:** Lizzo did a song for it, and Jessica Rothe is everything

**Michael:** Ahh, she's the best

**Nay:** And we stan

**Michael:** We really do. And to me, she solidified herself as up there in the ranks of the Final Girls of all horror

**Nay:** Oh yeah

**Michael:** I'd say she's probably the best Final Girl this decade as far as slasher movies are concerned

**Nay:** *Damn*. Okay, Michael

**Michael:** So, but yeah, I really love that movie. So that's my number five. Nay had it on her list.

**Nay:** Yeah!

**Brennan:** Also number five (on her list)? Sure. We'll call it that

**Brennan:** My number four is a little film from Tyler Gilette and Matt Betinelli-Open, it's called *Ready or Not*

**Michael:** That is on my worthy of mention list, yes

**Brennan:** Okay. That's a very fancy way to say that, yes

**Michael:** I actually had it in my Top Five until I thought of another movie that pushed it out.

**Brennan:** Fair. Excited to hear what that is. *Ready or Not*, it is just a very fun movie

**Michael:** Super fun

**Brennan:** It's about a new bride in this very rich family finds out that they have a tradition of playing a game on the night after the wedding, and the game that gets chosen is hide-and-seek, where she has to survive the night, where they all try to murder her

**Michael:** Yeah, saying anything other than that's a spoiler, so don't if you haven't seen it, because it's so fun

**Nay:** I haven't

**Michael:** It's really fun

**Brennan:** It's super fun. It reminded me of *You're Next*--

**Michael:** Yeah

**Brennan:** In that it kind of like snippy family dinner table dynamics

**Michael:** Yeah. Agreed

**Brennan:** But I want more *You're Next* in my life all the time, so I was like, "Please, give this to me." And Samara Weaving is obviously incredible

**Michael:** She's so great in the movie. She's literally in every second of that film

**Brennan:** Yeah!

**Michael:** And she's so good

**Brennan:** She's *really* good in everything she does. And also this movie has like a Fifties-style cheerful oldies song, because you know, a lot of horror movies are doing that thing where they juxtapose, oh, Tiny Tim singing "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" and it's over a creepy scene. They couldn't find the right scary song so they made their own, and it's perfect

**Michael:** That's awesome. Yeah, it's a good movie. It's a lot of fun

**Brennan:** Yeah!

**Michael:** Andie McDowell's pretty great in it, too. Adam Brody...

**Brennan:** I love the McDowell-isaince we're having. She was in *Magic Mike XXL* as a southern cougar, and she was incredible in both of these movies

**Michael:** Yeah.

**Michael:** My number four is *Knife + Heart*

**Brennan:** Oh, I wanna see that real bad

**Nay:** Still haven't

**Michael:** Which is a French giallo. The quickest way to put it is, "The cast of a gay porno in 1970s France is being murdered." And it's real good

**Nay:** And it's on Shudder

**Michael:** Iit's on Shudder

**Nay:** Yeah, it's on my Shudder list

**Michael:** It is *so* good

**Nay:** *Yeah,* I've heard that

**Michael:** It's really good. It's really well done, it's beautiful, the acting's awesome, it's scary, it's got a great mystery. It's *very* gay. Obviously

**Brennan:** I love all of those things

**Michael:** But my favorite part about it is it's set on an all-male gay porno, but the director and the producer are two women who are a couple. So like the movie manages to be about a gay porno, but it's really a lesbian love story, which I really love. The lead, I don't know her name off the top of my head, is so smokin' hot. And she's got one of those gaps in her teeth that is like super sexy, so she's just cool. The clothes, the music everything about it is awesome. The color scheme. So, I highly recommend that movie

**Brennan:** That's definitely on the list of things that I'm going to force myself to catch up with before I solidify my like, "End of the Year's Top Ten List of Everything". It's definitely a contender

**Michael:** Definitely watch that. I think you'll love it

**Brennan:** My number three is something we did an episode on, it's *The Perfection*

**Nay:** *Nice*

**Brennan:** Which is such a rollercoaster of a film. I mean, check out that episode. It's delightful.

**Nay:** It's also on my list

**Brennan:** Oooh! Great

**Michael:** (fey voice) Not on mine (laughs)

**Brennan:** Okay. Oh yeah, you were the voice of dissent on that one

**Michael:** I actually, by the end of that episode I remember feeling better about the movie, but it still doesn't do anything for me

**Brennan:** That's fair. It's a very acquired taste and it requires *three* very distinct acquired tastes? It really-- it's like a pingpong game watching that movie, but I was there for the whole thing

**Michael:** Yeah, I don't think it's acquired. I just didn't think it was very good, I mean, y'know?

**Brennan:** Yeah, I know. You thought that

**Michael:** Yeah

**Nay:** Yeah. But sometimes Michael's wrong

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Michael:** Or sometimes we just have different opinions

**Nay:** Yeah, there's that

**Michael:** (amused) "Sometimes Michael is wrong?"

**Nay:** Are you kidding? I don't even know why I said that

**Michael:** So great. But it's so funny, because it's true. There *are* some times when someone gives you an opinion and you're just like, "You're wrong." Like when someone says *The Exorcist* (1973) isn't scary, they're wrong

**Nay:** Oh dear God

**Michael:** It's scary. (mockingly) "That movie's not even scary, it made me laugh." You're wrong

**Nay:** Yeah, when you were like eight years old, you asshole? You were laughing? Yeah right

**Michael:** It scared the shit out of me still, it *still* scares the shit out of me. Yeah, *fuck you* if you think that. Anyway

**Michael:** My number three is a documentary, it's *Horror Noire* (2019)

**Nay:** Oh, absolutely

**Brennan:** That was also on the list I took off 'cause Xavier Burgin was on the show

**Michael:** Yeah. I mean, I feel like if you haven't seen this movie, there's something wrong with you

**Brennan:** Or, look, access is--

**Michael:** I know, access is not there. I mean that in jest, because everything is not accessible to everyone, but if you haven't seen the movie and you *can* find access to it, please do

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** It's on Shudder, you can rent it on iTunes… get access to this movie

**Nay:** Definitely

**Michael:** I did say that in jest, I don't mean that as like something's really wrong with you--

**Nay:** No

**Michael:** But it's such an awesome film

**Nay:** It is

**Michael:** And the thing that was my favorite part of it was not only seeing a POV that I just, as a white dude, can't fully comprehend because it's not my life experience, but my other favorite part was just learning about all these other movies that I had never seen and then going and seeing those

**Nay:** Oh yeah. Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** And they're on Shudder, too!

**Nay:** Yeah. That was a baller move for Shudder, to put all of the films mentioned in a collection, it's bomb

**Michael:** They had a category for a while

**Nay:** I know, I remember that. And it's great because the first version of *Ganja and Hess* that I found online after Mark recommended it, like way back when--

**Michael:** Was it on YouTube or something?

**Nay:** Yeah, it was *horrible*. And of course it didn't have captions and I *need* captions, and you know, it was so great when Shudder put everything on there

**Michael:** And it was such a baller move because it was like the same day

**Nay:** Yeah, it was. It was seriously badass

**Michael:** Like they had that shit planned. It was pretty cool. I hope they do that with the queer documentary

**Nay:** The queer horror doc? Yeah, I hope so too

**Michael:** They're the only app that has a "Queer" section. I mean Netflix and Hulu both do, but they're like the only one that really respects that section because they have a lot of really good shit in their queer section right now, and Hulu is just like, if it's a picture of two dudes hugging they put it in the queer section, you know what I mean?

**Brennan:** *Boat Trip*

**Michael:** (laughs) Yeah. *In & Out*

**Brennan:** Yeah, no, (*Horror Noire*) is terrific--

**Michael:** It's terrific

**Brennan:** Especially when they talked about the kind of inception of the genre and a lot of the deeper cuts from the Forties through the Sixties, there's a lot of stuff that is really compelling, just watching clips… it's a fascinating journey

**Michael:** It's the greatest class, it's the greatest education of Black history in film I've ever gotten, and it was in ninety minutes. Like seeing movies I'd never heard of, the way he approached the Twenties and the Thirties in film, and oh, it was just so great

**Nay:** Yeah, it was amazing

**Michael:** They should do a follow-up

**Nay:** Oh yeah

**Michael:** And there's so much more to talk about

**Nay:** Absolutely

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Nay:** Hopefully that happens to all the docs Shudder's making, you know?

**Michael:** Yeah, 'cause didn't Xavier say that there was-- he couldn't say, but he alluded to the fact that maybe there was eventually there might be something in the pipeline or am I…?

**Nay:** I can't remember that. I don't remember that, yeah

**Michael:** I don't remember either. Maybe I'm making that up

**Brennan:** I don't remember what we did last week

**Nay:** Wishful thinking

**Michael:** Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm pushing my wish on to--

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** It would make sense if they did a series

**Nay:** Yeah!

**Brennan:** Oooh

**Michael:** Like thirty-minute episodes of that?

**Nay:** Definitely

**Brennan:** That would be incredible

**Michael:** And just focus on one movie. Or… one movie

**[Nay and Brennan laugh]**

**Brennan:** Yeah, save it for your pitch

**Brennan:** My number two, that's where we are, right?

**Michael:** Yep!

**Brennan:** Okay. It's a TV show on HBO, it was created by Julio Torres and Ana Fabrega, it's *Los Espookys*

**Michael:** Yaaaaaay!

**Brennan:** Which, I have mentioned several times on the show

**Michael:** You have. Still haven't seen it, but I want to

**Brennan:** It's *the* most-- it's six episodes, they're thirty minutes apiece, you can knock it out *right now*, like while watching-- no, finish the podcast

**Michael:** Brian and I started watching the first episode and we were laughing pretty hard, but we had to go to bed, so we never picked it back up

**Brennan:** (sighs) Yeah, that's fair. You're grown-ups, that's fine. It's like you have jobs, I get it. But no, it's just such a surreal, exciting energetic show and it's hard to even talk about 'cause it's *so* monumentally strange, but I recommend it so highly

**Michael:** I love that

**Brennan:** It's a show that by all accounts should not exist

**Michael:** And that's why it should

**Brennan:** Yeah, exactly. But it's such a unique, granular thing, but it's very special

**Michael:** I love it. And they got renewed for season two, right?

**Brennan:** Yes it did

**Michael:** Awesome

**Michael:** My number two is also a TV show

**Brennan:** Oooh. Which one?

**Michael:** And I think I've said this on here before, I've talked about it a lot, it's *The Act*

**Brennan:** Oh yeah!

**Nay:** Oh hell yeah! How did I forget?

**Michael:** Not necessarily, I think a lot of people might not classify it as horror, but to me--

**Nay:** Horrific

**Michael:** There's nothing scarier than a true tale of just a *horrific*, horrific person doing something to their own child

**Nay:** Good call. I completely forgot that

**Michael:** It's so freaking terrifying

**Nay:** Yes.

**Michael:** And it's like, I've said this before, to me it was the scariest show made in 2019. I actually had to go and check because I felt like the show seems like it's been around for so long, but it actually was released earlier this year, I thought it was last year. But the performances are terrifying even when it's not terrifying

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** Like Joey King's performance is haunting. She *is* Gypsy

**Nay:** That show was cast *so* well

**Michael:** Perfectly

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** I mean, Chloe Sevigny just smoking cigarettes (indistinct) always in

**Nay:** (chuckling) Oh my God!

**Michael:** You know?

**Nay:** Yeah. Forever and ever

**Michael:** We've talked about it here. It's terrifying and I'm so excited that they're doing a second season on another "Act", and I'm really becoming a huge fan of Nick Antosca's work

**Brennan:** Oh, yeah

**Michael:** He's got like sixty shows in the works right now because of his success lately. So yeah, *The Act*. Joey King. I wanna say Patricia Arquette won an Emmy for it, but I could be wrong

**Nay:** She should, she should have

**Brennan:** Did this happen? I missed that

**Michael:** She was nominated for it, lost for Supporting in a Limited Series but won for Lead in a Limited Series for *Escape at Dannemora*, I believe. Maybe I'm making that up. I dunno. She was nominated. No, because Michelle Williams won for *Fosse/Verdon*. Whatever

**Brennan:** Sure. That sounds true

**Brennan:** My number one should not come as a surprise. It's *Tigers Are Not Afraid*--

**Michael:** Yep

**Brennan:** By Isa Lopez. I've talked about it a lot. It inspired me to read a *whole book* of magical realist literature. It's very important to me. I don't know if that episode will have come out yet. It won't yet. It inspired me to read *Pedro Paramo*, which is a very influential Mexican magical realist novel, and I'm gonna watch the movie that got made out of *Pedro Paramo*, more on that later. So yeah, it really sparked something in me, it's a really powerful piece and, I dunno. I really don't wanna talk about it too much. Go in as blind as possible. I would just say don't go in expecting like, a big "boo" jumpscare horror movie, it's just very atmospheric and powerful. I liked it a lot

**Michael:** And then my number one is a movie I just watched recently, and I think it's not only my favorite horror movie of the year, it's my favorite movie of the year, and it's *Parasite*

**Brennan:** Oh, yeah! I knocked that one out 'cause I felt like it didn't qualify enough, but it's still a great movie

**Michael:** Yeah, I think the suspense aspect, and again the class going over class, is scary. And just like, the divide in the world between rich people and poor people, it's kind of a terrifying thing and I thought the movie did a really good job of showing you how desperate people can be, and how flippant people can be, and how unemotional people can be and how very emotional people can be. And also, the thing, the amount of suspense built into that movie when you're just like, "Wait. This scene's suspenseful. Wait, they're managing to make this a suspenseful scene?" was so great, and the last act is kind of terrifying in a lot of ways. And rarely does a movie make me feel like I don't know what the fuck's going to happen every minute, and I felt like that the *entire* time I watched the movie. I was like, "I have no idea where this is going," the entire time

**Brennan:** Yeah. And this doesn't happen to me a lot, but there were multiple moments in that movie where I reacted like, bodily to it

**Michael:** Yes

**Brennan:** Like I felt my stomach *clench*. Even if it was just a line of dialogue

**Michael:** Yeah

**Brennan:** "You said *that*?!?"

**Michael:** The woman that played the daughter, the whole fucking cast--

**Brennan:** Oh yeah

**Michael:** Is amazing, but she was particularly like, (chef's kiss)

**Brennan:** Well, this is a movie where *every* aspect of the production is working in service of the narrative. Cinematography, production design, acting, dialogue--

**Michael:** Costumes

**Brennan:** Everything's really perfectly precise to accomplish what the movie's working towards

**Michael:** It's so good. It's so good. I really wanna see it again

**Michael:** So yeah, that's our Top Fives. Should I mention my Worthies to see if Nay has any of those in her list?

**Nay:** Sure

**Michael:** 'Cause I feel like y'know, it's hard to put together a list because opinions are, y'know--

**Brennan:** They are what they are?

**Michael:** They are what they are, so everyone's list is different but it can also get people focused on just a certain number and then you forget that there *are* a bunch of great things out there to watch. And I'm also a huge proponent of not doing "Worst of" lists because you're just shitty, I think, doing that

**Nay:** Right

**Michael:** It's really hard to get a movie made, and sometimes it just doesn't work out--

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** And it's not particularly one person's fault, so people that take hlee in being like, "These are the five worst horror movies of the year," not a fan. But, other ones I wanted to mention because I really enjoyed these were *Satanic Pani*c; *Ma* 'cause it's the camp fest of 2019; *Doctor Sleep*, I really liked *Doctor Sleep*, I didn't love it but I really really liked it; *Crawl* I had a really good time even though that movie sucks and I say that because it's awesome, you know what I mean; *Ready or Not*; *Annabelle Comes Home*, I had a *blast* watching *Annabelle Comes Home*

**Brennan:** Yeah, it's a really fun movie

**Michael:** It's a really fun movie. And then *Us*, which I thought was like a *blast* of a movie, and that actually was in my top five until I decided to put *The Act* in, 'cause I was like, "Should I put in a TV show?" And I knew I wanted it at number two, 'cause *Parasite* would have been number one

**Brennan:** I would put Lupita Nyong'o in *Us* at number one on my list

**Michael:** Yeah, seriously

**Brennan:** Her Oscar should come with a side of honey and lemon--

**Michael:** Yeah. It's so sad she's probably not going to get a nomination

**Brennan:** The physical *act* of that performance

**Nay:** Yeah, that's definitely my number one

**Michael:** Oh yeah. Anything else?

**Nay:** The virtual reality *Black Mirror* episode

**Michael:** Ooooh

**Brennan:** "Bandersnatch"?

**Nay:** Yes. *Love*. Obsessed with. So hot. And then *Us*, because *Us*, my eyeballs feel so wonderful just *watching Us*. It feels so good. And then there's something so-- you ever have those like, maybe it's from a reoccurring dream, or like some kind of creepy thing you've been imagining your whole life but they're like that underworld of activity that mirrors our own?

**Michael:** Uh-huh

**Nay:** Scratched such like a *deep* fear itch for me

**Michael:** *Oh really*

**Nay:** I don't know, I can't explain it. Even just the visual, it kind of looks like a dead mall down there

**Michael:** Mmm-hmm. And the classrooms and stuff?

**Nay:** Something about that just like, I don't know--

**Michael:** Just the layers

**Nay:** It just takes over my senses, like, yeah

**Michael:** Reading an article, I think it was Joelle Monique who talked about just the classroom, the fact that (Jordan Peele) used a classroom in those scenes at the end representing the education system in America for People of Color

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** And being like, "Holy shit!"

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** The thing I really love about *Us* is that Jordan Peele, it's his version of a popcorn movie, but it's made you think like a motherfucker

**Nay:** Absolutely. I think it's interesting to see people's critiques of, "I knew the twist from the beginning!" They're like, "I knew it, I knew it." Which is cool, y'know

**Michael:** No you didn't (laughs)

**Nay:** I think it's interesting because the things that they point out that led them to think or they know the twist, I'm like, all of those things to me are like trauma survivor things

**Michael:** Uh-huh, uh-huh

**Nay:** I'm like, "Oh. So you knew…" I don't wanna spoil the movie, but I'm like, "You knew that because of that?"

**Michael:** Yeah, like you think she didn't want to go back there because of what happened to her?

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** Yeah (indistinct whisper)

**Nay:** Or like, you think her struggling with words or all her-- I'm like, all of these things just sound like someone had a real fucked up trip

**Michael:** They had PTSD stuff

**Nay:** Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. But I love-- it took me forever to see it. I do that sometimes with something I really really want, or something I really really want to see, I'll just like, put it off as long as possible

**Michael:** Oh, really?

**Nay:** Yes

**Michael:** I'm like, "Get me there opening day."

**Nay:** It took me so long, but I, ugh-- I'm actually really excited, I'm actually gonna be a guest on another podcast talking about the soundtrack

**Michael:** Oh my God, I was just gonna say, I have listened to the score of *Us* so much

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** 'Cause it's so good

**Nay:** Phenomenal

**Michael:** Just the score

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** That was my go-to soundtrack when I was writing this year, was the *Us* soundtrack. It's such a good score. I love a good score

**Brennan:** I love a good score that has the ability to weave in extant music

**Michael:** Popular music? Yeah

**Brennan:** And just kind of transform it into something completely different and recontextualize it in so many different ways

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** And make it scary?

**Brennan:** Yeah!

**Michael:** He made that shit scary

**Nay:** Yeah, "I've got Five On It"? I've never heard that be scary before, yeah

**Michael and Brennan:** Yeah

**Michael:** That's like genius

**Nay:** So scary. I'm obsessed

**Michael:** That's like a stroke of genius

**Nay:** Yeah, absolutely

**Michael:** I'm curious, does Peele have another movie in the works? I feel like I haven't heard anything

**Brennan:** I mean, he's producing that *Candyman* reboot, right?

**Michael:** Which looks-- I can't wait for that

**Nay:** Who's doing that *Antebellum* one that I saw all over Twitter today?

**Brennan:** I have not been on Twitter today

**Michael:** I haven't seen anything about that

**Nay:** You know I immediately looked away, 'cause I was like, "I don't wanna see a trailer! I don't wanna see any of that!"

**Michael:** 2020's shaping up to be a good year for horror in the movie theater. There's a *lot* of good movies coming out: *Invisible Man*…

**Brennan:** Oh yeah

**Michael:** *Halloween Kills* sounds cool

**Nay:** Hell yeah. *Antebellum*

**Michael:** There's a new movie that Chris Landon's directing that sounds pretty good

**Nay:** Oh yeah, it sounds okay

**Brennan:** It sounds all right

**Nay:** I've kind of heard a lot about it at this point.

**[Michael laughs]**

**Nay:** Just kidding! Kidding! But yeah the *Antebellum* movie, Janelle Monae is gonna be in that

**Michael:** *Oh!*

**Nay:** So that's fucking cool

**Michael:** Hot

**Nay:** Oh yeah, it said--

**Michael:** Is it shooting?

**Nay:** I remember before I looked away from the preview, it said, I'm like, did it say, "From the producers of *Get Out* and *Us*"?

**Michael:** I'm looking

**Nay:** Yeah, I'm like looking now, like how did I miss that?

**Michael:** How did I miss that trailer? It's Lionsgate

**Nay:** I dunno. I shut my eyes real quick

**Michael:** "Mysterious Janelle Monae horror movie debuts trailer," I had no idea

**Brennan:** Well, while we're looking it up, I will say that the other one I removed from my list is *Escape Room* (2019), which was directed by Adam Robitel, who was also on the show

**Nay:** Oh, *hell yeah*

**Michael:** Fun movie

**Brennan:** That barely just squeaked in the deadline, it was in January, but yeah, that movie was a blast.

**Michael:** It comes out April, *Antebellum*. It says, "From the producer of *Get Out* and *Us*," but I don't see Jordan Peele's name here, so I'm betting it's one of the other people

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm. Can't wait

**Brennan:** So, we're here to talk about a movie

**Michael:** Is it, though? (laughs)

**Brennan:** Hey, you're the one who suggested this one

**Nay:** Like, "This was yo' idea!"

**Michael:** It was! Much better memories of it then

**Brennan:** The movie in question is *Black X-Mas*, 2006

**Michael:** *Yeah*. You even went with the "X"

**Brennan:** Well yeah. Look, you gotta differentiate it because it does not deserve the title

**Michael:** (amused) It does not?

**Brennan:** And look, I'm not a remake trasher, this remake potentially, it's not unworthy simply by being a remake. It's just not a film (sotto voce) that I like very much

**Michael:** I definitely have better memories of it, then. I definitely thought I liked it more than I do (chuckles)

**Nay:** (*Black X-Mas*) was fun the first time. It was fun in 2006

**Michael:** Yeah. I when I saw it in the movie theater I remember leaving being like, "Oh, that's like a fun *Mean Girls* version of *Black Christmas…*"

**Nay:** Yeah. Uh-huh

**Michael:** And now I'm just like, "*Oooof."*

**Brennan:** Was that the last time you had seen it?

**Nay:** Yes

**Michael:** It might have been

**Brennan:** Okay

**Michael:** Although I rented it on iTunes, and when I pressed "Play" it was an hour and twenty minutes into the movie, so I must've rented it on iTunes at some point in the past?

**Brennan:** Huh

**Michael:** And it picked up right where I must have left off

**Brennan:** How strange!

**Michael:** Yeah, I was like, "Wait." It was like an hour and seven minutes into the movie because I remember being like, "Why is Oliver Hudson and Katie Cassidy's faces in my face already?"

**Brennan:** It's in medias rea

**Michael:** Yeah. Brian was like, "Wait. Were you watching this already?" Yeah, it was a whole thing. Brian ended up watching the whole movie with me, when he was like, "I only wanna watch five minutes."

**Brennan:** There's so many other movies to watch for the podcast that you could've picked

**Michael:** My favorite is the two things he asked me during the movie. He goes, "Why does this feel so disjointed?" And I was like, "Oh my God, you didn't even know about the production problems and he's already sending it." And then he goes, "Is this made by those guys that made *Scream* (1996), because it sounds like it's still trying to be *Scream*, and how many years later was it?" I said, "A whole decade." And he goes, "They were still trying to make *Scream*-like movies ten years later?" And I was like, "*Yeah…*"

**Brennan:** Well, look. Everyone should always be trying to make a movie as good as *Scream*

**Nay:** True

**Michael:** You should try to make a movie that has as good a story as *Scream*, you shouldn't just copy."

**Nay:** Yeah

**Brennan:** Well, yeah

**Michael:** Which is, they were trying to rip off their own movie, which is so funny

**Brennan:** (sighs) Yeah.

**Brennan:** What a piece this film is. There's so much in it that I want to like very much

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** The cast is like, it's got a great cast

**Nay:** The cast is fun, the kills are fun

**Michael:** Yeah!

**Brennan:** It's real "Holly Jolly"

**Nay:** The music and...

**Brennan::** The Christmas elements are *there*

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** I actually love the amount of Christmas lights and Christmas imagery there is in it

**Nay:** I love it. Yeah

**Michael:** 'Cause I think I told you I saw the new one (*Black Christmas [2019])*, right?

**Brennan:** Oh you did!

**Michael:** Yeah

**Brennan:** And I continue to be jealous

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** And I liked it, but I felt like it could've used a little bit more of-- I didn't really think about it while watching it, but after watching (*Black X-Mas*) I was like, "Oh, there's a lot of Christmas." Like just the *lights*

**Brennan:** Well this movie--

**Michael:** The one scene I really liked was when the camera was in the ceiling and it looked like almost, it was presented like camera footage, but like if you put a security camera there, that's where it would be. And the lights, the one girl was coming out of her room, and the lights were just going green. That's rad

**Brennan:** Oh yeah, there's some good stuff with that

**Michael:** And then red and then green and then red… yeah, anyway

**Brennan:** This movie is production designed *like* one of the Lacey Chabert Hallmark Christmas movies

**Michael:** All her sweaters and everything?

**Brennan:** Every flat surface is *bedecked* in wreaths and lights and the electric bill must be out of control in this house. Also, how did the hallways manage to be both dark and incredibly bright at the same time?

**Michael:** *I know*

**Michael:** So many thoughts on this movie. Even little shit was annoying me, like when Oliver Hudson says, "I used to play on this street, before it was all fraternity houses," and then later in the movie when Leigh, the older sister comes in, she's like, "How strange is it that the only other house on this street has their lights on?" I'm like, "Which is it, bitches? Is it a street full of fraternity houses or are there only two?" I can't stand when movies make those tiny mistakes, 'cause it means no one's paying attention

**Brennan:** No, the kids loved to play on that street with the two houses. So much room for soccer!

**[Nay and Michael laugh]**

**Brennan:** No, but you're right

**Michael:** But it just perfectly encapsulated for me what this whole movie's problem is. And it's no one seemed to care

**Brennan:** Consistency?

**Michael:** Yeah. And like--

**Nay:** It's really hard to follow

**Michael:** It is!

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** 'Cause it just sort of bounces around, and I guess-- I mean it was plagued with production problems from the very beginning. The Weinsteins were like, "This tone isn't working. Do this tone! No, do this tone! No, do this scene! No, do this scene! Reshoot the ending! Reshoot this ending. Oh, we're gonna go shoot shit *just* to show in the commercials. Kill this person…" like everyone was filming a bunch of different stuff and I remember reading Michelle Trachtenberg had no idea how she was even going to die in the movie by the time it was released

**Nay:** *Woooooow*

**Michael:** 'Cause I think they killed her two or three different ways? And there was like, used to be in physical media there was access to both major cuts. Because they released a different cut in Europe when the movie came out

**Brennan:** This movie has been chopped and screwed to death basically, and that's not its fault, but also, what is its fault is that every single white girl looks exactly the same. They're styled exactly the same, the hair is exactly the same--

**Michael:** It's in a ponytail?

**Brennan:** And to the point that the characters in the movie can't recognize each other

**Michael:** Nay's laughing at me. Well, you can't keep track of their names, even. The only reason I could keep track of everybody is 'cause I know who they all *are* as actors

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** And who their names are in real life, and I was calling them by their real life names because--

**Brennan:** Oh yeah

**Michael:** Midway through the movie I realized Dana was Lacey Chabert

**Brennan:** You were like. "Who's this Dana they're talking about? When does she show up?"

**Michael:** I was like, "Who the fuck is *Dana*? Oh, it's Lacey Chabert!"

**Brennan:** But Leigh, literally in the hospital scene, she sees the killer, Agnes, who, is she jaundiced also or is it just lighting? That's part of this movie. But, basically, she--

**Michael:** It wasn't jaundice as a child. But in the hospital scene she does look jaundiced

**Brennan:** Yeah, see, I--

**Michael:** Which was also a huge reshoot

**Brennan:** That makes sense

**Nay:** *Ohhhhh*

**Brennan:** But the thing is, Leigh thinks (Agnes) is Katie Cassidy in the bed, even though she's a *completely* different person and--

**Michael:** Yeah, even from behind you can tell it's not Katie Cassidy. The hair color's different

**Brennan:** Yeah, the hair color's different.

**Michael:** (Agnes) has like, *white hair*

**Brennan:** Katie Cassidy hasn't been living in the walls. Her hair looks a lot different

**Michael:** Yeah, it looks moisturized, like conditioned

**Brennan:** Yeah

**[Michael and Nay laugh]**

**Nay:** That is the most severe case of jaundice. Boy, wouldn't they take you right back to the hospital, like, "You need to be put under those special lights, and all those things that they do."

**Michael:** Also, *why?* What did that add to the movie?

**Nay:** Yeah, that too

**Michael:** The mom was a shithead to him anyway, why did he need the jaundice?

**Nay:** That's true. What was the point of that? That's interesting

**Michael:** Was it supposed to be like, was it supposed to be the Mom's excuse? I almost look at it through today's lens like they were almost giving them, "Of course the mom wouldn't like her kid, he's yellow," you know what I mean? But that's all I could come up with, is that they were trying to get us to sympathize with the mother. But like, you know what I mean?

**Nay:** You didn't need to do that

**Michael:** Yeah

**Nay:** I think we can all understand not liking your child

**Michael:** *Yeah!*

**Nay:** I mean, that's one of my biggest fears--

**Brennan:** I've seen *The Babadook*

**Michael:** Make it a little demon child

**Nay:** If I were to ever have a kid, like, "What if I *genuinely* did not like that fucking kid?" You know?

**Brennan:** Yeah! What if you just wanna fuck on the top of the stairs?

**Nay:** That part (laughs)

**Michael:** Should we like, briefly recap this movie or are we just assuming--

**Nay:** Yeah

**Brennan:** Probably, yeah

**Michael:** It's literally just a bunch--

**Nay:** I would love to hear it, because it's so hard for me, it was really hard for me to string together and how things were connected, and--

**Michael:** I think the quickest way to do it is, "A bunch of sorority girls are stalked by a killer that's living in their walls that used to live in the house fifteen years earlier."

**Nay:** Yeah. Okay

**Brennan:** And there's a bunch of Rob Zombie-rescue flashbacks to the life of the killer

**Michael:** And what was with the flashback to like, five different years--

**Brennan:** It's a real journey through Billy's life

**Michael:** And the ages don't match the years, did you notice that?

**Brennan:** This is-- no, I didn't

**Michael:** They'd be like, "Billy's thirty-five," but then they flash the date on the screen. I'm like, he's actually thirty-six. You're not even following your own math

**Nay:** Yeah

**Nay:** I would like to watch this movie drunk, in a group of other drunk people--

**Michael:** That would actually be really fun

**Nay:** With the lights--

**Michael:** I would have enjoyed that five years ago

**Nay:** And well, I would like to do that

**Brennan:** Yeah, string up your house with Christmas lights

**Nay:** Yes

**Brennan:** This really is the *Boyhood* of Christmas horror movies, though. We're really getting *every* scrap of (Billy's) childhood.

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** And the way they set them up is hilarious. It's like Andrea Martin, always love her, she's Phyll in the original--

**Brennan:** Yeah. Icon

**Michael:** Tells them the story of baby Billy, right?

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** And then later in the movie, Oliver Hudson's like, "We played on this street," and she's like, "Well, what happened?" Bitch, you were telling them the story ten minutes ago!

**Nay:** You know, I mean. That's like, a really fun thing to do in real life when you already know the story?

**Michael:** True. Tell the story again?

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm. I'm like, "Go ahead and tell me!"

**Michael:** But the line they give her is so amazing, 'cause it's so like, they might as well have done "(flashback sound effects from *Wayne's World*) " like flashback

**Brennan:** I love that

**Michael:** She's like, "Well, what happened?" And it says, "1981" or whatever, you know? Like, so great

**Brennan:** (spooky voice) "It was a dark and stormy night…"

**Michael:** Yeah. (To Nay) Did I break it down enough?

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** Sorority girls stalked by Agnes and Billy?

**Brennan:** Yeah. And Agnes is his incest child with his mother

**Michael:** His daughter-sister

**Nay:** His daughter-sister, mmm-hmm

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Brennan:** I don't know *how* we necessarily want to talk about this, but the character of Agnes is played by a man.

**Michael:** I thought so

**Brennan:** Which is an unique choice

**Nay:** (softly) *Oh*. (normal voice) Yeah, because men just don't get hired very often for different things, so….

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Michael:** It's really nice that they made that exception for the movie

**Nay:** Yeah. Right. Of course (chortles)

**Brennan:** Yeah, that's been mentioned, we can move on! Um, it's just this movie's making a lot of choices that go in a lot of directions

**Michael:** They cast a man to play (Agnes), and then they have *her* like, digitally rape somebody

**Brennan:** Do they?

**Michael:** That's Lauren. Lauren the drunk girl, she's molested in her bed and I'm pretty sure it's Agnes that does it, 'cause Agnes is the one that appears right after that

**Nay:** *Ohhh*

**Brennan:** I don't-- I may have been in a fugue state

**Nay:** I lost that

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Nay:** Yeah

**Brennan:** This movie is so disjointed that I think I fell out of my consciousness for certain parts of it?

**Michael:** Or maybe it was Billy and then they swapped?

**Brennan:** You know what? I dunno

**Michael:** That ring is really really really really really really really really tragic to me 'cause I'm like they're playing this up as like the character's feeling pleasure

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** And then they kill her. Anyway

**Nay:** The first two times I started the movie, I tried watching it and then realized I hadn't been watching it, I like snapped back to it at the same point each time--

**Michael:** Oh, that's funny

**Nay:** And it's when the eyeball gets ripped out. Yeah

**Brennan:** Oh, the sheer eye trauma of this movie

**Nay:** Yeah, I was like, "That was fantastic. I loved that."

**Michael:** Again, that's a choice

**Nay:** I mean, it made me laugh.

**Michael:** Yeah

**Nay:** It's-- yeah

**Michael:** I actually got really annoyed with the opening girl, the way she sipped her wine

**Nay:** (chuckling) You're such a bitch! You're such a bitch!

**Michael:** I was just like, "Why are you--" she has no line of dialogue, she just sips wine and dies.

**Nay:** Well….

**Brennan:** Oh, the one who's writing the card out to Leigh?

**Michael:** Writing it out to Leigh? Yeah. But I remember being super annoyed the first time I saw it the way she sipped her wine and I got really annoyed last night

**Brennan:** It did seem very *matronly* for a sorority girl. It was very like, she's coming home from a day of teaching high school--

**Michael:** Yes! She just taught Sunday school

**Brennan:** It's very much like the teacher who dies in *Final Destination* (2001) when she's home alone--

**Michael:** Who also plays Leigh

**Brennan:** Oh, *really*!

**Michael:** It's the same--

**Brennan:** Oh yeah, it's the same producing team

**Michael:** She's married, I think she was married to or is married to James Wong or Glenn Morgan, I can't remember which one

**Brennan:** Glenn Morgan I believe I saw

**Michael:** Yeah, yeah

**Brennan:** Oh yeah! But no, it's very much like that. It feels like she's--

**Michael:** They sexified her up for *Black Christmas* (2006)

**Brennan:** Sure! I mean, you know, she looks great. But yes, so it was very much like that. Like she's a thirty-nine year old woman who's like really just comfortable in her home--

**Michael:** She's like her kids are playing downstairs

**Brennan:** A real sense of like, an aged approach to Christmas--

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Brennan:** That I wasn't really feeling from, she was probably like twenty in the movie

**Michael:** That's how old she was supposed to be

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Nay:** You know, she an old soul, she ain't had serotonin in like, twenty years, experiencing childhood trauma and she's always been told, "You know, you act older than your age." And she's like, "Yeah."

**Brennan:** "I'm just gay"?

**Michael:** That was a scene, that scene and when they kill Megan, I remember Megan's name because she was the one Oliver Hudson was--

**Nay:** Which kill was that?

**Michael:** Sex, recorded them having sex and then it was revenge porn?

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** (fake chuckles) Isn't it so funny? It's not. And that scene, and then when Megan dies, they did the same thing where they revealed the killer to the camera well before she dies, and I'm like, "Well there goes any suspense that's supposed to be in this scene." It's just like, what are these choices? And Glenn Morgan and James Wong are *good*. *Final Destination*'s a great movie

**Nay:** Oh my God

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Michael:** You know?

**Nay:** Yeah

**Brennan:** It's just obviously this movie was *massively* compromised

**Michael:** I mean, it was Weinstein'd, there's-- you know, with their, besides the other stuff that they've done, they notoriously fidget into every single Dimension film that they made, except the first *Scream*

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Brennan:** Anyway. One thing that I noticed that just randomly popped out at me on this watch of this movie is all the Christmas ringtones that everyone has on their 2006 cellphones

**Michael:** *Yes!* So annoying

**Nay:** *Yes*

**Brennan:** That just really took me back to a time when people had ringtones

**Nay:** Yeah

**Brennan:** Let alone like, obsessively *change them*?

**Michael:** Well, ringtones for their text messages

**Brennan:** Oh, God

**Nay:** Okay? Like my Mom in 2019. A whole ringtone and she don't wanna push any button to make it stop

**Michael:** She lets it go?

**Nay:** Yes! The whole time while she, you know, holding her phone up in the air a little bit looking, and I'm like, "How can you stand that?"

**Michael:** Right

**Nay:** Every time

**Michael:** My phone is never not on silent

**Nay:** Same

**Brennan:** Yep. But if it ever happened to not be, do you have a ringtone or is it just the generic?

**Nay:** It's just the phone. Just the phone tone

**Brennan:** Oh, okay

**Michael:** Mine is the "*Halloween* theme"

**Brennan:** Nice

**Nay:** But in 2006, I had *several* polyphonic ringtones

**Michael:** I did too

**Brennan:** Ooooh!

**Michael:** I definitely did. And I remember being able to download ringtones at the time and putting real music on your phone

**Brennan:** It was very exciting

**Michael:** I remember being very excited

**Nay:** Oh yeah. Oh yeah

**Michael:** But when Kelly, Katie Cassidy--

**Brennan:** Sure

**Michael:** When there's nobody left alive, it's her and Oliver Hudson and Leigh, they're in Megan's room, I think. No, they're in the room where Michelle Trachtenberg just died.

**Nay:** All right

**Michael:** And she's texting one of the phones and she's like, "Where is it?" It's like in the attic, I'm just like, "Is there just a giant hole there?" 'Cause the camera just kept panning to black and then you'd see the light from a phone

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** What are they looking at?

**Brennan:** I think it was supposed to be a hole in the eaves and you were seeing the--

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** (disgusted) Oh, God

**Brennan:** The light *through* that

**Nay:** Yeah, they constantly act like a person standing straight up can not only see down a little hole, but to see to the ground below

**Brennan:** (chuckling) Oh yeah!

**Nay:** I'm like, "There's no way that anyone can see anything through that."

**Michael:** Or like the shower, when the eye hole is like straight up, they should only be able to see the ceiling

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** Not a nude person showering

**Nay:** I really hated the hole in the floor. I, ooof

**Michael:** I hated it too. And the way the tiles-- there's just so many choices where I'm just like, "Are we supposed to believe she doesn't notice she's moving tiles away with her toes? Or that they're just so used to it."

**Nay:** Right. This house is a piece of shit. I wouldn't be surprised by *nothing*

**Brennan:** Yeah, the floor of this bathroom is sand

**Michael:** Like the glue wore off

**Brennan:** Yeah, do you think those tiles have to be individually replaced after someone walks through them every tjme?

**Michael:** Yeah! They have a bag of 'em they just take into the shower with them?

**Nay:** I tell you, I have *cleaned* some sorority houses in my day

**Michael:** Oh really?

**Brennan:** Really?

**Nay:** Yes. When I was in undergrad, or late high school, early early undergrad, I had two friends who cleaned for a living and I would tag along on weekends for extra cash. And we would end up on campus, and I cleaned *several* sorority houses and *I* would wanna peel my own skin off afterwards

**Michael:** Yeah

**Brennan:** (softly) Oh God

**Nay:** So, just that bathroom scene, the tiles *really* irked me because I imagined having *my eye* that close to a bathroom floor that was not my own? I couldn't deal with it

**Michael:** Ooof

**Nay:** Because actually bathroom scenes? I can watch people being gutted, people being hit by a car, all kinds of things. But a bathr-- someone in a bathtub? I can't chew my food

**Brennan:** Ooooh

**Nay:** I can't think about your bathroom, 'cause the thing is, people love to show off their bathtub pics. Cleanliness is a privilege, and having a nice bathroom is a privilege

**Michael:** Uh-huh

**Nay:** And that's why you won't see my bathroom pics on the internet, because I don't have a nice bathroom! Yeah, I can't. I can't even eat during bathroom scenes

**Brennan:** Well, if it helps, the tiles are *so clean*, you could eat off that floor

**Michael:** In the movie they were really clean

**Nay:** They are

**Brennan:** If your food wouldn't fall through the holes in the floor

**Nay:** Correct. And what exactly do people think-- *how* do people think floors are constructed exactly, for you to be able to see this tiny little hole that shoots directly down into the basement under one thin tile that was removed. Like, what do you think you're walking on?!

**Michael:** Well, none of them noticed it

**Nay:** That's true

**Michael:** You know? That's the thing. No one noticed the *savage* amount of holes in their house

**Brennan:** Yeah, and there is a comfortable amount of space for two grown adults to live inside the walls of this house

**Michael:** So that was gonna be my question

**Brennan:** Okay

**Michael:** Was Agnes there the entire time? 'Cause they mention at the end in the news reporter is saying, right before Kelly and Leigh are attacked, there's that news reporter at the hospital and she's talking about what happened, and she says something about Agnes being released from Dorville or some shit

**Brennan:** (amused).Whoville?

**Michael:** Or Dudeville or something? I can't remember what she said, but I'm like, is that supposed to be the orphanage she was in, 'cause they mention she was in an orphanage after Billy like, went--

**Brennan:** Yeah, Billy went looking for Aggie

**Michael:** So are we led to believe she was *still* in that orphanage and she escaped, 'cause then I'm like, what twenty-four year old's living in an orphanage?

**Nay:** I wish they had that for twenty-four year olds

**Michael:** I wish they did, right? Actually they should

**Nay:** They really should

**Michael:** They really should

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** Especially 'cause like, fuck, you kick someone out when they're eighteen, magical day--

**Nay:** Right. Yeah

**Michael:** Can suddenly take care of themselves?

**Nay:** Yeah. I mean, thirty to forty percent of homeless queer youth in Los Angeles were aged out of the foster system at eighteen and had nowhere to go

**Michael:** That's nuts

**Nay:** So, yes. Orphanages for folks over eighteen? Absolutely.

**Michael:** And we can call them "Public Housing"

**Nay:** Yes… let's house people

**Michael:** But anyway. Or was (Agnes) there the whole time? From being aged out?

**Brennan:** My answer to this will come in the form of a song. (singing) I don't give a shiiiit

**Michael:** Well, that's just another example of just how poorly thought out this movie is and disjointed it is

**Nay:** I like to imagine that she aged out of the orphanage at eighteen, but moved into the walls as practice

**Michael:** Yeah, 'cause Kelly says something like, "How long do you think she's been in there?"

**Brennan:** (laughing) The walls of the orphanage?

**Nay:** Yes

**Brennan:** Okay

**Michael:** Which brings me to my next question, then. *Why* didn't she kill them the Christmas before? Or the Christmas before that? Because they said Billy tries to escape every year

**Nay:** I mean, they weren't ready to make the move yet

**Michael:** *I guess*. But Billy's never, he tries to escape every year, but they've always stopped him. I dunno. I'm just like, the logic, man! Think of it!

**Brennan:** Heard of it?

**Michael:** And then the cop, the security guard that Billy kills, I'm just like, dude, you *just* talked about how he tries to escape every year and you're going into this room alone because you don't see him

**Brennan:** Great point

**Michael:** *Call somebody*

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** (sighs) The *only* Person of Color in the movie, by the way, is the first to die

**Nay:** Yeah. Had a job, too.

**Michael:** A good job

**Nay:** (chuckling) I know. Are any jobs "good"? Just kidding

**Michael:** *Right?*

**Brennan:** Speaking of people with jobs, the mortuary worker in the end who is drinking egg nog and dribbling it just completely down his entire front

**Michael:** Oh, Brian was so disgusted by him

**Brennan:** I was watching this with Sergio, and any time they did like, fully on mouths like--

**Michael:** Chewing--

**Brennan:** Chewing or sipping or whatever

**Michael:** Yeah

**Brennan:** He would just physically revolt at the noise

**Nay:** Squirm?

**Brennan:** The foley art on this movie is truly an art. It is disgusting

**Michael:** It is!

**Brennan:** There is that part in the attic where they're wrapping Christmas lights around one of the killers, and the Christmas lights sound like a *metal chain* being dragged across the floor

**Nay:** *Yeah*. I loved that.

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** (Billy) eating the cookies--

**Brennan:** *Ooooof!*

**Michael:** What grossed me out, it wasn't the cookie or the fact that it was supposed to be his mom's skin, it was the sound that they put in with him and that like, is disgusting

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Michael:** It wasn't his teeth or anything, it was just the *sound*

**Brennan:** It's just the world's longest mukbong

**Nay:** I did love how they had the cookies that were actually cookies at first, and I remember thinking like, "Why the hell are those cookies so thin? Who made these like--?"

**Michael:** "Thin-ass cookies?"

**Nay:** "These like weak fucking cookies." And then when he starts cutting the skin out, and I'm like, "Oh that's actually so-- I love that because the skin is also thin."

**Michael:** Mmm-hmm

**Brennan:** The setup and payoff of it?

**Nay:** Yeah. Yeah. The chicharones. Fucking skin cookies. It was probably delicious. If you're someone that eats skin

**Michael:** It probably tasted like bacon

**Nay:** Yeah. Tastes like pork belly

**Michael:** Bacon is just pig skin, right? At the end of the day?

**Nay:** Not technically like the skin, but the taste is similar

**Michael:** (chuckling) I love that we're like, "Probably tastes good."

**Nay:** Probably does! I mean….

**Brennan:** You know, people eat people and sometimes it's not a great thing

**Nay:** (sighs) Yeah, no, I'm not like, advocating for cannibalism. But I am gonna say that I am someone who does believe that humans are animals

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Michael:** Yeah, we are

**Nay:** And someone who is not-- I'm not a vegetarian or a vegan, but sometimes, actually often times I am really grossed put by the meat I'm eating and have to stop. And so, it's just, it seems like it probably tastes pretty similar to other--

**Brennan:** Yeah!

**Michael:** To chicken--

**Nay:** Yeah, you know

**Michael:** Or like any other animal?

**Brennan:** I would definitely include in my will, like a little passage saying, "If you're curious, you can try to eat part of me just to see what it's like."

**Nay:** Okay, you're a freak. (laughs)

**Michael:** I love it. Deep-fry me, though

**Brennan:** No, just 'cause-- Look--

**Michael:** I wanna be deep-fried, I wanna be deep-fried and breaded

**Brennan:** I've kind of always wanted to know

**Nay:** What human tastes like?

**Brennan:** Yeah! Just a little bit

**Michael:** Mmm-hmm (laughs)

**Nay:** When I was a child, these missionaries visited my church and you know, missionaries love to like, talk about the, actually I can't even use the language that those people would use. But you know, I had a big fear of cannibals because missionaries would come to our church and talk about--

**Michael:** How you were gonna be eaten?

**Nay:** You know, these foreign lands that they were taking Jesus to. And they loved to talk about, oh, what's the name of that really famous missionary who got killed by the indigenous folks in South America? Anyway, I thought that cannibals were like, a real threat. And I would lay awake at night, being so worried that cannibals were going to--

**Michael:** Fucking religion

**Nay:** Right. That cannibals were going to show up in the US, and that they were gonna eat all of us. And I'm like, (sighs) kids are, I was gonna say kids are stupid, but that's not even true. I thought like, I was like, "Well, I hope if a cannibal gets on a plane to come to the US, I hope that it eats everyone on the plane including the pilots so that the plane crashes." This is also like, six year old reasoning

**Michael:** Well, yeah! Kids aren't stupid, *adults* are dicks

**Nay:** Yeah, that part. I'm like, "Well, I hope the cannibal in its bloodlust just eats the pilot--"

**Michael:** Kills the pilot?

**Nay:** "And the plane crashes."

**Michael:** I love the idea of six year old you thinking of cannibals like, getting a plane ticket

**Nay:** Crazy lil' bitch. Laying in bed like--

**Michael:** "Do you think he flew Delta?"

**Brennan:** Watch, that's the one person they don't kick off

**Nay:** Right

**Brennan:** Look, that's what you're doing with the information you've been given

**Nay:** Of course

**Brennan:** That's how you're processing it

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** Yeah. Assholes. Telling you that

**Nay:** So I just think your curiosity is natural, you know?

**Michael:** Yeah, it's valid

**Brennan:** Thank you

**Michael:** Just don't eat one of us

**Brennan:** No, I'm not gonna--

**Michael:** Actually, you could eat me if I died

**Brennan:** Thank you

**Michael:** You're welcome

**Brennan:** That verbal contract is binding in the state of California

**Michael:** Yeah. Tempura me. Tempura batter me

**Brennan:** Oooh!

**Michael:** Yeah

**Brennan:** But look, that would make anything delicious

**Michael:** Don't I just scream "delicious" though?

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm!

**Brennan:** I feel like that would reduce the taste

**Michael:** That's the true test: if I taste horrible tempura battered, you know not to eat another person. Or I'm just gross

**Nay:** It might just be your flavor, yeah. I wouldn't be sold. I would be like, "Mmm, someone else might taste better."

**Michael:** (chuckling) "Tempura batter me"

**Brennan:** (laughing) "Daddy!"

**Michael:** There's your title

**Michael:** Do we like anything about this movie?

**Nay and Brennan:** Yeah!

**Nay:** I mean, I love a Christmas vibe--

**Michael:** I do too. I love a good Christmas horror movie

**Nay:** I don't want to admit it, that I'm one of the Christmas Gays, like I know that's really controversial, and to also be one of the Halloween Gays, but I will watch any horror movie with a Christmas theme

**Michael:** I love a Christmas horror movie, yeah

**Brennan:** Oh, yeah!

**Nay:** I love a Christmas horror movie. And I thought a lot of the deaths were fun to watch.

**Brennan:** There were some great, disgusting--

**Nay:** That windshield scene? When the blood spatters--

**Michael:** Uh-huh. What a--

**Nay:** I *love* that

**Michael:** What did Agnes do to her?

**Nay:** *Right*? I love that scene

**Brennan:** When Mary Elizabeth Winstead just gets *Gallagher*'d inside a car

**Nay:** Yes. Exactly

**Michael:** Brian screamed when Andrea Martin got the icicle through the head?

**Brennan:** Ooooh! And that is so unexpected, too

**Michael:** It really is

**Brennan:** Like rapid-fire succession? There's some-- yeah, the kills are really good

**Nay:** The kills are really good in it

**Michael:** It bothered me, though, and I usually don't get bothered by this stuff because I know at the end of the day, I dunno. But it was *all* women, it was like, nuts! Like they're literally just killing a field of women

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Brennan:** That's true. And the bulk of the body count is in an eight-minute span

**Michael:** Yes

**Brennan:** So it's a very brutal run-through

**Michael:** 'Cause it was not even enough that they killed all women, but like none of them had any personality, you know what I mean? Like Mary Elizabeth Winstead was the "Christian girl"--

**Brennan:** Was she? I got nothing out of anyone

**Michael:** Crystal Lowe was-- (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) was the one where they said something about her bible

**Brennan:** Oh. Sure

**Michael:** So she was the "Christian girl". And then Crystal Lowe was the "Drunk", and Lacey Chabert was "the Brat"--

**Brennan:** I knew she was rich

**Michael:** Yeah

**Brennan:** And had a phone

**Michael:** Yep

**Brennan:** And I knew--

**Michael:** Michelle Trachtenberg was the only one who had *somewhat* of a personality

**Nay:** I think I was biased just because I liked her

**Michael:** I liked her in the movie a lot, too. But she was helping Crystal Lowe and then kind of being bitchy to another, but being a smartass in another moment. And then helping Leigh… I was like, Kelly played by Katie Cassidy is one of the worst Final Girls--

**Brennan:** She was helping her drunk sister

**Michael:** And it's nothing against the actress, they just *literally* give her nothing to do

**Brennan:** No, she's a final girl by default--

**Michael:** Yeah, they needed one

**Brennan:** She lives until the end of the movie, not because she's a character

**Michael:** Right. And they gave her a boyfriend to play off of. But you know nothing about any of them

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Michael:** Eve's mom died, that's the only other thing you know

**Nay:** I need to ask Sam Wineman how he feels about this movie

**Michael:** I think he probably likes it, just 'cause it's got that camp factor to it?

**Nay:** Yeah, now I need to know immediately

**Michael:** Yeah, he does, because he texted me that he was so excited we were doing it

**Brennan:** Sorry! And to be fair, there is fun stuff

**Nay:** Yeah!

**Brennan:** Like we talked about how the kills are super fun

**Michael:** Some of the dialogue is actually really funny

**Nay:** Oh yeah

**Michael:** Yeah. Like I get that, I get the *Mean Girls* vibe, but I dunno. It doesn't work so well in a slasher movie when that's *all* you're giving every girl to do

**Brennan:** I like that vibe better in a *Sorority Row* where there's more of a sense of these people know each other and have personalities

**Michael:** Yes. And what they did in *Sorority Row* that's better than *Black X-mas* is they put it all in one person's mouth.

**Brennan:** All the mean stuff?

**Michael:** Yes. They didn't have just every girl acting the bitch. Which this movie essentially did. And I'm also like, none of these girls seem to *like* each other. How are they in a sorority together?

**Nay:** I mean…

**Michael:** Maybe it's accurate?

**Nay:** When you-- okay, I was gonna say something, and it's probably ignorant because I was not in a sorority and never will be. But I just feel like if you're paying for friends and paying for a network, there's no guarantee that you gonna like anybody

**Michael:** True. True.

**Nay:** Yeah.

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Nay:** I can't imagine walking into one of those houses and liking *anyone*, so

**Michael:** But you don't even know what grade they're in--

**Brennan:** (amused) Grade?

**Michael:** Well, you don't even know what year of school they're in. You don't even know how old they're supposed to be. You know they're in college, but none of them have goals. There's just nothing going on. I dunno

**Brennan:** Yes!

**Michael:** Lacey Chabert was gonna go skiing or something?

**Brennan:** That's a goal

**Michael:** She was gonna do something

**Brennan:** Yeah, I don't know. I just, I always feel like watching this movie for me is like walking in on one of those Magic Eye puzzles where you have to unfocus your eyes and the picture comes into focus? Except kind of the opposite. It just forces my eyes to unfocus and it Judy becomes nothing.

**Michael:** *Wow*

**Brennan:** I can't see anything, my eyes just slide *right* off of the screen

**Michael:** That's actually kind of vicious. I love it

**Nay:** That was very vicious, actually

**Michael:** That was pretty accurate

**Nay:** Yeah, I think for people who drink there could be some kind of really good drinking game for that movie

**Brennan:** Yeah!

**Michael:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** Well, (*Black X-mas*) suffers in comparison to the original *Black Christmas* (1974), just in so many ways, but one of the biggest reasons it suffers is because they don't leave the house. There's eight people in a living room the entire movie. There's not a lot of variety you could do there? So the movie did itself a disservice by having it take place within like a four-hour span. Whereas the reason the original's so great is it takes it's time, and this movie you could tell was just in a hurry to start killing people, you know?

**Nay:** Definitely. Definitely. I watched the original right before watching the remake

**Michael:** The original's *so good*

**Nay:** Yeah.

**Michael:** When you and, was it Sam? Were tweeting each other about it on Twitter? Or maybe it was Sam and Jordan

**Nay:** Yeah, I don't think it was me

**Michael:** I saw someone tweet about it and I immediately turned the movie on

**Nay:** Oh hell yeah. It's on Shudder!

**Brennan:** It's such a masterpiece

**Michael:** Beautiful film

**Nay:** It is beautiful. And they *do* take their time, and it's worth it

**Michael:** It's scarier--

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** That opening scene of him just walking to the house, up the ladder, into the attic…

**Nay:** *Yes!*

**Michael:** Is scarier than killing somebody

**Nay:** That is so scary

**Michael:** You know? Because then he's there from the very beginning

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Brennan:** Yeah, I mean it's *not* even fair to compare any movie to *Black Christmas* (1974)

**Nay:** No, of course

**Brennan:** But of course that's exactly what *Black X-mas* is inviting by making itself "Black Christmas"

**Michael:** Yeah!

**Brennan:** And it's not hiding that. We've got the Andrea Martin, she's playing Mrs. Mack, who is always the best character in either of the movies

**Michael:** Yeah

**Nay:** Any time

**Brennan:** Oh man, I do wish she had more hidden alcohol pulling out of little cubbyholes

**Michael:** Yeah, because she didn't drink the whole movie, right?

**Brennan:** Andrea Martin?

**Michael:** Yeah

**Brennan:** Not as far as I know

**Michael:** Or are you meaning Mrs. original Mack? (chuckles) Mrs. Original Mac?

**Brennan:** No, I'm talking about-- (laughs) Um, yeah no, look, there's stuff, you're right. It's a party movie, it's a drunk movie

**Michael:** Yes

**Brennan:** Like, drink any time someone says something super outdated like, "I saw it on the 'net."

**Michael:** "Call Star-six-nine"?

**Brennan:** (amused) Yeah!

**Michael:** They were still saying that shit in 2006? I'm like, "Bitch, just look at caller ID!"

**Brennan:** Yeah. Didn't they *have* caller ID?

**Michael:** They did

**Nay:** They showed some, yeah

**Michael:** Michelle Trachtenberg literally is like, calls the person back and she goes, "It's Megan's cell." So they had caller ID

**Brennan:** I have a harsh confession to make. It's that the first time I watched this movie, I knew that Michelle Trachtenberg was gonna get murdered, because I *hated* her character in *Buffy the Vampire Slayer* so much--

**Michael:** Yeah, Dawn?

**Brennan:** That I needed the catharsis

**Michael:** I was reading the only reason she did the movie is so she could die in a movie

**Brennan:** I mean, I would do that. That's one of my goals

**Nay:** Oh yeah, I would love to die in a movie

**Michael:** She has a great death, the skate to the head?

**Nay:** Mmm, it's good

**Brennan:** And also ironic *Ice Princess* death

**Michael:** Yeah. That was actually another thing. I really liked the decision they made where she gets the bag over her head and then escapes?

**Nay:** Yes

**Michael:** I actually wished they didn't kill her in that moment

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** She actually would have been a better Final Girl, you know?

**Nay:** Oh, absolutely

**Brennan:** Oh yeah! I mean, yes that's true. You know, I've grown past my irrational fear of Michelle Trachtenberg

**Nay:** Oh, you should be scared of her

**Michael:** People hate her, right?

**Brennan:** Really?

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** 'Cause of Dawn, right?

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** People have like an undying hatred for her

**Nay:** And I live. I would die for her

**Brennan:** For Michelle Trachtenberg?

**Nay:** *Yes*

**Michael:** Does she still work? I mean… does she still act?

**Nay:** Yeah, I don't know

**Brennan:** I don't know that much about her--

**Michael:** I love her

**Brennan:** And obviously nothing I'm saying is against her

**Michael:** No, not at all

**Brennan:** And I've also definitely grown to accept Dawn into my life. I was just not prepared for her when I was first binging *Buffy* in high school. That was a rough time for me

**Michael:** She was on *Gossip Girl* (200?-2010)

**Brennan:** Oh, okay

**Michael:** *17 Again*, so she did a movie in 2014, and then…

**Brennan:** Lacey Chabert needs to pull her on to that Hallmark train

**Nay:** Oh my God

**Brennan:** She could play the girl that the boyfriend talks to in one scene and creates a love triangle that goes nowhere

**Michael:** She hasn't really worked since 2016

**Brennan:** All right. Change dot org petition: "Michelle Trachtenberg". I mean, she's probably just doing what she wants

**Michael:** Yeah, she may not want to… I'm looking her up on Wiki

**Brennan:** I would like to publicly apologize to Michelle Trachtenberg for how I acted in high school. I would like to apologize to a lot of people for how I acted in high school, you know?

**Nay:** Yeah, me too

**Michael:** Yeah

**Brennan:** Yeah, those are some times

**Michael:** *Black X-mas* would be, I actually would watch this again with the two of you

**Nay:** Oh, that would be fun

**Brennan:** Oh yeah

**Michael:** If the three of us were in a room, that would actually be a lot of fun

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** I think it is best, probably best watched with at least one other person

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Michael:** I enjoyed watching it with Brian 'cause we were commenting as we watched it

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** I think watching it alone would be really boring. But with a group of gays, with a group of queer people? Now that would be a blast

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Brennan:** It's Christmas as fuck

**Nay:** True

**Michael:** (chuckling) "Christmas as fuck"

**Brennan:** I'm also with you Nay in that I would self-identify as a Christmas Gay, but I do--

**Michael:** I like the holiday

**Brennan:** Yeah, I enjoy Christmas, I enjoy getting presents for people--

**Michael:** I like the music, yeah

**Brennan:** Yeah, I enjoy watching Christmas *movies*

**Michael:** I watched *Home Alone* this week

**Nay:** Hell yeah

**Brennan:** Oh yeah

**Michael:** Mmm-hmm. I have Disney Plus and it was like the first thing I put on

**Brennan:** That and *Freaky Friday* (1998)?

**Michael:** That and *Freaky Friday*. I watched *Freaky Friday* as well. Very enjoyable movie!

**Nay:** (surprised) Yeah

**Brennan:** Shocking. But yeah, it's in the sense of the same way that I like Halloween, because of the way that it flavors the month that precedes Halloween?

**Nay:** *Yeah*

**Michael:** Oh! That's a really good way to put it

**Nay:** Yeah

**Brennan:** And obviously I am on the side of "Happy Holidays" in all situations

**Nay:** Right

**Brennan:** I am not a Christian. I like the pagan secular elements of Christmas

**Michael:** Absolutely

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Brennan:** I like the totally wild Santa mythology

**Michael:** I do enjoy the old school music. Like the Bing Crosby bullshit

**Nay:** Yes

**Brennan:** I fuck with--

**Michael:** I do like that stuff, even though every year at Christmas Eve to my family I'm like, "All these guys abuse their wives!"

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm. Yes they did

**Michael:** I bring that up and everyone's like, "Will you *stop fucking* saying that every year?"

**Nay:** Well, no

**Michael:** And I'm like, "Well, it's very true though. All these guys crooning like, classic wholesome Christmas music were the worst human beings. "

**Nay:** Yeah, it's like, "Not only am I-- I'm not gonna stop saying it, I'm going to make all of you donate to your local domestic violence shelter…"

**Michael:** Oh, that's a really good idea. I should actually do that as my gift this year

**Nay:** *Yeah!* In their name

**Michael:** "A donation was made in your name…"

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Nay:** Yeah. Hell yeah! Stopped talkin' about it, but I put my money where my mouth is

**Michael:** "I gave you an Echo Dot last year, you're donating this year."

**Nay:** Hell yeah

**Brennan:** About the "Happy Holidays" thing, the thing that infuriates me about that is that there *are* other holidays

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Brennan:** There are *many* holidays in December, like you can't assume who celebrates what. I don't get the problem with including everybody!

**Michael:** I don't either, but I also wouldn't get mad if someone said, "Happy Hanukkah," to me

**Brennan:** Yeah

**Michael:** Or, "Merry Christmas." Who gives a fuck what anyone says to you, if it's, "Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa…"

**Brennan:** Well, "Merry Christmas" is the patriarchy, so

**Michael:** This is true

**Brennan:** I mean, that's a joke, but it's also not *not* a joke… although that said--

**Nay:** The birth of Jesus, the patriarch

**Brennan:** Well, literally, yeah.

**Brennan:** Sergio and I do have kind of a sick addiction to evangelical Christmas movies. I've already talked about *Wish for Christmas* on the podcast, but this year we have lined up, we're gonna watch, *Christmas With a Capital "C"* which is about one of the Baldwins fighting to--

**Michael:** Do queer people exist in any of these movies?

**Brennan:** Absolutely not!

**Michael:** Okay

**Brennan:** How dare you! We do not-- keep us out of this! But yeah, one of the Baldwins is there and they're fighting to have the town banner say, "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays"--

**Michael:** You're *kidding*. You're fucking kidding

**Brennan:** And I'm prepared to laugh my ass off

**Michael:** Stephen? It's gotta be Stephen

**Brennan:** Lemme double check

**Michael:** He's the only one that went conservative

**Nay:** Yeah, you know, as a kid, the holiday time made me feel really lonely and sad

**Michael:** Awwwww!

**Nay:** And not until I lived in L.A. and spent holiday time with people I actually liked did I start to enjoy it. And now I really love it

**Michael:** I really like that. I mean, I enjoy the holidays. I like the spirit of it, when it's, I don't wanna say "correct", but when it's not, like you said, the pagan--

**Brennan:** When the heart's in the right place?

**Michael:** Yeah, when the heart's in the right place and it's not like someone forcing their religion on me. I like the spirit of just being kind and--

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** Having a nice meal, you know? With friends and stuff

**Nay:** I love it now, because I have loved ones

**Michael:** Yeah. Like I sent Brian a spreadsheet fucking today, with like three or four of our holiday meals on it with friends and stuff that we do every year. But I like that kind of shit. I really do like, every year I-- oh, I haven't even started, I should get on it tonight, where I'm like, "We don't need a tree," but that's my way of saying, "Can we go get a tree?" Because I always say "I don't care," but I always end up wanting a tree, and I really love the idea of a tree in my house. Smells really good, too

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm.

**Michael:** But yeah, the pagan shit aspect of it, the lights and the festive stuff is what I really like, because I think you're right, it does connect to Halloween, though

**Brennan:** Yeah!

**Nay:** Yeah, it sets it off

**Michael:** Because it's all about that month. I love that you put it, it's like a whole month

**Brennan:** Yeah! And also obviously the kind of ubiquity of the holiday season obviously can be really rough for people who don't feel a connection to it, or to the people in their community

**Michael:** Yeah. It can be a very oppressive time

**Brennan:** Especially if you're not "mainstream", because Christmas is the mainstream. And it is, I guess, a privilege to get "joy" from the trappings of that, and that's why we wanted to have an episode out, so we could be with everybody

**Nay:** Yeah!

**Michael:** You know, there's not a lot of new stuff this time of year so it's nice to put something out there that people can enjoy, even if it's only for ninety minutes. But the thing that I love about that is what you said Nay, about finding it *here*, it's the greatest thing as you get older and start doing stuff-- you mentioned this in the past, like, "I get to make my own decisions. How cool is that?"

**Nay:** Mmm-hmm

**Michael:** You can create your own traditions and stuff--

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** Which is what I really love about this time of year

**Brennan:** Yeah! So fun! Sergio and I have a skull on the counter with a Santa hat on, it's great!

**Michael:** My new tradition at home is on Christmas Eve, my Mom and Dad, when he was alive, made the entire family go to Christmas Eve mass, Catholic mass.

**Nay:** (softly) Jesus

**Brennan:** (noise of disgust)

**Michael:** So my last three, and it's the only time I enter a church, my last three years fifteen minutes into the mass, I tell my Mom I'm going to the bathroom and I go to the Dunkin Donuts across the street and I have a coffee and a donut

**Nay:** Oh hell yeah

**Brennan:** That sounds great

**Michael:** And I don't return until after mass is over

**Nay:** Oooooh! I love doing some shit that you would have straight-up got your ass beat as a kid

**Michael:** (laughing) Yes! Like knowing as a seven-year old kid that my Mom would have beat the shit out of me?

**Nay:** Right, right

**Michael:** Yeah

**Nay:** Oh, I live

**Michael:** But now it's my own little, it's *literally* the only forty-five minutes where I am home for the holidays that I have alone. Because my family's fucking monstrous and they're together for like, nine straight days. I literally sit in a Dunkin Donuts alone. (tearfully) Last year they were closed!

**Nay:** Oh no!

**Michael:** So I walked to a gas station a half-mile down the street and sat in this gas station and had a cup of coffee

**Nay:** Okay, Imma *be* rebellious, okay?

**Michael:** "*I'm* not going back in that church!!!"

**Nay:** "I am not going back in there!" I feel that. I *love* that

**Michael:** I've left Brian in there before

**Nay:** Oh yeah

**Brennan:** *Ooof*!

**Nay:** If you don't know to get your ass up and come to Dunkin, I don't know what to tell you

**Michael:** Right?

**Brennan:** Survival of the fittest

**Nay:** Yeah

**Michael:** And Dunkin's coffee is really good when they put all that cream and sugar in it, it tastes like candy

**Brennan:** Well, that's the thing that Dunkin's apparently all about, because I don't drink coffee. So every time I go there, I'm like, "The donuts aren't that good." And people are like, "We don't go for the donuts," and that makes me incredibly sad

**Michael:** I actually really like their donuts

**Nay:** Champaign Urbana, where I'm from, there were only Dunkin. There were not Starbucks there until, I feel like, I was an undergrad

**Michael:** Starbucks didn't start popping up until I think I was out here, in Cleveland, or maybe there wasn't as many

**Nay:** Yeah. We had those Dunkin Donut-Baskin Robbins combo spots

**Michael:** Yeah, combos?

**Brennan:** Eeeew

**Michael:** Did you have Pizza Hut-Taco Bell combos? We used to have those

**Nay:** Not in the beginning. Yeah, no

**Michael:** I think those have gone out of style, but I remember Pizza Hut-Taco Bells

**Nay:** In Boyle Heights there's a… KFC-Taco Bell

**Michael:** Oh hell yeah! I need to get over there

**Brennan:** The one we had in Long Beach was a Togo's-Baskin Robbins and those smells do not mix very well

**Michael:** What is Togo's?

**Nay:** Sandwiches

**Michael:** Is it a sandwich place?

**Brennan:** So you haven't lived until you've smelled cookies 'n' cream and pepperoncini in the same whiff

**Michael:** (laughing) Oh my God!

**Nay:** Oh my God, I'm so hungry now

**Michael:** I'm kind of wanting that

**Brennan:** That one *did* shut down, sadly, but I'm sure there's some somewhere out there in the world

**Michael:** I love Baskin Robbins

**Michael:** So Eve gives Heather, I'm remembering their names

**Brennan:** I'm so proud of you, but also I'm so lost

**Michael:** Eve is the legacy--

**Brennan:** Yeah, she gives that weird present

**Michael:** She gets her head cut off and Heather is Mary Elizabeth Winstead.

**Brennan:** Okay

**Michael:** So he gives her the classic horned thing of glass--

**Brennan:** The unicorn

**Michael:** That's in the original film

**Brennan:** Uh-huh

**Michael:** But I feel like there's five of those throughout the movie. Is it the same one being passed around? 'Cause then Crystal Lowe's character Lauren, the alcoholic, the girl that gets really drunk, she has one on her nightstand

**Brennan:** Yeah, no, look, they definitely had it at the local white lady store, right next to the candles

**Michael:** I was like, "Show this once!" And then they don't even show anybody die by it

**Brennan:** Someone does

**Michael:** Lauren dies by it, but you don't see it do anything. You like see it go into frame and then down and that's it. I'm like, you're using-- it was iconic… I don't know, it was just so bad

**Brennan:** To be fair, you don't see it do anything in the original *Black Christmas*

**Michael:** But it *looks* like it does a lot more, because of camera tricks and the amount of times you see it go in and out of frame

**Nay:** It's scarier, yeah

**Brennan:** Oh, it's, *oooof*

**Nay:** *Yes*. Yes

**Brennan:** I'm so excited to watch it again

**Michael:** And they don't show it up until that moment in that scene when Margot Kidder's asleep and you see it and you're like, "*Fuck*."

**Brennan:** Yeah, it's not gonna end well

**Michael:** That thing's gonna do something

**Brennan:** I think that's it. Merry Coffee

**Nay:** Merry Coffee

**Michael:** Happy Tea