Moritas' Momentous Mince Meat Pies

Moritas’ Momentous Mince Meat Pies

To make Moritas’ Momentous Mince Meat Pies you must first understand the humanoid tongue and how it helps us perceive tastes; however, we don’t have time for that so we will do the quick version.  The tongue is the receptor of taste and we want to please those receptors as much as possible through a variety of different flavor combinations, be those salty or sweet or bitter or sour or disgusting or rancid or indescribable. After understanding how the tongue and flavors work, we move onto step two: Making the crust.  Or we can move to making the Mince Meat if you’d prefer.  You see, both of these are needed to be prepared ahead of time and can be done in either order depending on your preference.  I prefer to start with the crust because I like pastry making in the morning.  You see, I find it relaxing to pound dough in the morning.  I like to watch the morning birds and rodents and people and flowers and sky and breeze pass by as I work the dough.  I prefer to make a hot water crust pastry for my crusts, which is a combination of flour, salt, fat and water that works perfect for pies like these.  Once made, put the crusts aside for use later.  You can put them pretty much anywhere, but I recommend a safe dry area.  I DO NOT recommend the window sill. The last time I did leave it on the sill a damned bear came right up and ate it.  I mean, I assume it was a bear with the speed that it was consumed.  I could have been another large animal too, but I’m not familiar with many large animals other than bears that enjoy crusts.  I guess it could have been a moose, but they usually don’t come too close to Briar Glen.  I’m not sure why moose avoid the town proper, but maybe it's because of the ambient noise.  You see, there is a bit of noise from town due to the great blacksmith we have in town, Therault.  Oh boy is he a good blacksmith, also a good conversationalist.  We spend most mornings together chatting about all sorts of things, like bugs and plants and plates and war and death and what we think stars actually are.  You see I think they’re magics lost in the either and Therault thinks they may be some sort of gaseous explosions.  But how can explosions last that long?  Step 3, or 2 if you create the crust as step 3, is to make the Minced Meat.  The ingredients for the Minced Meat is as follows:

1. 1 Large apple, either green or red will work fine.   The riper the better and fresh works well too.  Cut that puppy up and skin it too just like my girl Caraway says all the time.
2. A handful of raisins, which are just dried grapes
3. Around 2 cups of white sugar
4. ½ cup of dried currants
5. 1 cup of butter.  Best to get this churned first as it works much better
6. Handful of chopped almonds.  Sometimes I skip this step because those buggers can hurt the teeth
7. Zest from a fruit like an orange or lemon or grapefruit
8. 2 cups of brandy.  One for the filling, one for your hard work
9. Meat of your choice chopped finely.  I will not ask what meat this is up to you.  Some things I think work better then others, but some are absolutely horrid.
10. Mixed Spices
	1. 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
	2. 1 teaspoon ground cloves
	3. 1 teaspoon ground ginger
	4. 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
	5. 1 teaspoon ground allspice

Directions:

Prepare mixed spice: Combine cinnamon, cloves, ginger, nutmeg, and allspice in a bowl. Reserve 1 heaped teaspoon for the mincemeat. DO NOT eat this, it does not go down well.  You’ll have to really drink a lot of tea to help move it down.  Store the rest in a small jar for later use.  Immerse two clean, and I mean clean, not just clean-clean, but like the king is visiting clean, 12-ounce jars in simmering water until mincemeat is ready. Wash new, unused lids and rings in warm soapy water.  Prepare mincemeat: Combine apple, sugar, currants, raisins, and butter in a saucepan. Cook over low heat and stir gently until butter has melted. Stir in chopped almonds, zest, 1 teaspoon mixed spice, and cinnamon. Bring mixture to a simmer and cook, stirring occasionally, 5 to 10 minutes.  Remove from heat and set mincemeat aside to cool down for 30 minutes. Stir in brandy. Spoon into sterilized jars.

Now that the minced meat filling is made we can move onto making the actual Moritas’ Momentous Minced Meat Pies, or the MMMMP.  Pronounced MMMMP, not MMMMP.

Step 1: Heat oven to 220c. Not 221c not 222c not 223c not 224c, but 219c is ok.

Step 2: FILL crust with mincemeat.  Use the mincemeat you made earlier.  Honestly you don’t need to use that mincemeat, you can use that too.  For example, if your neighbor Gert made an especially delectable mincemeat you could use that too.  Gert tends to make a fruitier mix than I usually do, I have a preference for a meatier, more savory mix, but maybe some people prefer the sweeter mix as opposed to the savory mix (which I prefer). Cover with a second crust(Do not reuse the first crust, it will not work.) Seal and flute edges. Cut slits in the top crust to vent steam.

Step 3: BAKE 30 minutes or until golden brown.  Use your favorite sandtimer to keep the time accurate. A burned mincemeat pie will not win you friends, trust me.  I accidentally burned one when I was distracted with a…disturbance in my basement, but still thought it was edible so I gave it to one of my friends, the young Fillion.  He was crabby about it for weeks.  At least I think that was why he was a crab-ass, it's hard to tell sometimes, he is kind of dour most of the time, unless he is with that lovely Quinn or his kids, or helping people around Briar Glen, or if he is just located in Briar Glen.  Fillion is usually pretty happy as long as his business and location are located locally.  He’s almost always a happy neighbor, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him crabby.  Cool completely on a wire rack. Garnish as desired.

Step 4: Leave on window sill to cool if there is a girl in town that has become an orphan due to a tragedy that has befell her family and you have taken it upon yourself to be sure she is always taken care of and leads the best life she can lead without intervening too much and letting her be a self sufficient individual that does not need to rely on anyone for anything, but also has a great circle of people who love her unconditionally for who she is and also the opportunity to pursue anything that may interest her; however, be sure to keep an eye on her incase she does need help with something, like help with injuries, hygiene, manners, boys (they better treat he nice or they’ll have to speak with MR MO), reading and writing, playing, languages, money if he ever needs it, and/or how to deal with the existential dread.