A Couple Of Swells

## Synopsis

Graham and Cindy decide to go on a diet together — and Elizabeth makes sure that they both stick to it. While the rest of the family is eating dinner, Graham and Cindy are fed tripe, which Graham initially likes. But when he finds out what tripe really is, he distracts the others, and throws it on the floor for Hooter the dog to eat. Almost immediately, Hooter actually tosses it back at Graham, giving away his ruse.

A few days later, both Graham and Cindy attend a seminar to prove that they are serious about this commitment to dieting and losing weight. While there, the moderator brags that weak-minded people will not survive a single night of dieting. Graham takes offense to this statement, but he is then assured that nobody was specifically referring to him.

After tiring of eating only healthy foods, a hungry and desperate Graham takes a stroll through the town to find some source of junk food to eat. Unbeknownst to him, Elizabeth has already spread word of his quest (along with a photograph to prove it's the right man). The devout wife forbade everyone from obliging Graham. The only message she left is, "I love you, lard-butt!".

Graham initially tries to enter the ice cream parlor, but the employee there has already been warned by Elizabeth, and shows Graham a photograph to verify that he can't approve the purchase. Then, he walks into a bakery market that sells Boston cream pie, but the manager of the store was previously tipped off by Elizabeth, and Graham is refused the sale. Next, Graham encounters a kid on a bicycle, and offers to pay him if the youngster will get Graham a cheeseburger. Unfortunately, Elizabeth had already confronted him as well.

Now desperate for any junk food he can find, Graham wanders aimlessly, while words of his strong urges and temptations fly by in the background. At that moment, he remembers his stash of candy in his desk at work. Unfortunately, Elizabeth has already removed that stash.

After hearing a spiritual tune, and seeing nuns eating Fudgesicles, Graham treks down into the basement to see where they came from. Eventually he stumbles upon the food pantry, and quickly goes inside, as an oblivious Sister Ethel greets him. After finding a back room in the food pantry, Graham overhears someone else nearby. It's then that he catches Cindy red-handed also cheating on the diet. Now starving, Graham forgives his daughter, and even ends up joining forces with her to indulge a major sweet tooth.

Later that night, the two deceitful dieters return home, feeling guilty about what they have just done. Cindy mentions that she feels bad, but it's merely a stomachache from overeating. Then, Graham confesses to Elizabeth that he cheated on his diet, but, surprisingly, she is very supportive of him, and allows him to get away with it. She mentions that, even though Graham may have eaten a great deal of junk food, he did so much exercising by initiating the trek just to find the junk food, and both of them are satisfied.

## Guest Appearances

*Mark Neely* as Dr. Wagner

*Kenneth Danziger* as Diet Center Speaker

*James Brogan* as Half-Fat Man

*Judy Jean Burns* as Woman at Meeting

*Lance Slaughter* as Convenience Store Employee

*David Tom* as Kid

*Vito Giambalvo* as Ice Cream Man

## Memorable Quotes

**Running Gag**: "*I love you, Lard-Butt.*"

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**Elizabeth**: "*What other secrets do you have?*"

**Graham**: "*I'm losing my hair.*"

--

**Marie**: "*What can I say...crossdressing amuses me. Is it a sin? Probably. Oh, no...*"

**Graham**: "*When she finally cracks, I hope there are a lot of nice people around to help her.*"

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**Diet Doctor**: "*If you're of the braggart type, you'll never make it past eleven o'clock on the first night.*"

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**Graham**: *(takes offense to the lecturer referring to "fat people")*

**Diet Doctor**: "*Sir, I wasn't talking about you.*"

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**Graham**: "*This tripe isn't too bad for fish.*"

**Sherry**: "*Tripe isn't fish. It's the stomach lining of a cow.*"

**Graham**: "*A cow?...Hey, was that lightning?* *(throws food under the table for the dog to eat, only to have the dog toss it back)*

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**Graham**: "*Finally...Fudgesicles...Hallelujah!*"

**Sister Ethel**: *(oblivious to Graham's current predicament)* "*Yo, Coach!*"

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**Cindy**: *(after admitting she feels bad, and Graham thinking it's just guilt talking)* "*I just meant I have a stomachache.*"

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**Graham**: "*I put enough food in my mouth tonight to feed a third-world country.*"

--

**Elizabeth**: "*One day, a thin handsome man is going to walk through that door.*"

**Graham**: "*If it's not me, I'm gonna sit on him.*"

## Trivia

* Sister Ethel's brief comment when she sees Graham is actually the original running title of the series, originally coined by Bill Kirchenbauer himself. This phrase is mentioned a few times throughout the series by multiple people and is even seen on Graham's license plate.
* There are many references to weight issues for both Graham & Cindy throughout the series; however, neither one of them is grossly obese, especially Cindy, who is typically known for being very attractive and pretty. She often takes pride in her "reputation" in other episodes. Not only that, but they both look exactly the same in this episode as they do throughout the series.

### Running Gag

* Elizabeth sympathetically tells Graham, "*I love you, lard-butt,*" whenever Graham is tempted to cheat on his diet.

## Mistakes

### Plot Holes

* There is no possible way that Elizabeth could have spoken to the boy on the bicycle previously, or even known that Graham would encounter him that night. Not only that, but it also seems odd that the store employees would all know about Elizabeth's prior warning to them; that alone would typically raise some eyebrows. Store staff would not just randomly deny a sale because of an alleged anonymous notice beforehand. When the clerk calls for a price check, there is no way that the manager could have definitely known that Graham had been the customer inquiring; Elizabeth would not have known specifically where Graham would go while out walking, let alone that he would go out for a walk at all.
* As an employee at St. Augie's, Graham likely would have already known about the basement and food pantry. Even Cindy, apparently, knows about it. It is odd to see a lock on it, in addition to being wide open for entry. Plus, Graham & Cindy's "over-indulgence" technically counts as stealing from St. Augie's.