LLR Observer 11

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Cryan Pulvarez and I am not accompanied by the fabled Gabe Seltzer who is, as my sources say, still traveling in the jungles of the Tokyo Dome, searching for a rare species of 6 star classic. But rest assured, after two months of stalling and not giving enough fucks to write this up, I have taken it upon myself, yes my unpaid intern self, to bring the Observer back to life.

For those who are new, I am far too lazy to write a long brief about what this is. Simply put, the Observer Newsletter will come out every Sunday, recapping whatever happened in the last 7 days prior to it, along with inside scoops and some other stuff.

In this time, I lost my smile because Pokemon Go hates me. So I will now find god and rename myself as the Ratings Break Kid. And you can dig that, sucka.

One thing I’d like to mention before going on with the usual rhetoric is that toxicity and a drive for ‘meta heat’, something which my friend Gabe condemned the first time it happened, shouldn’t be entertained if it’s creating toxicity in the community. Pro predicting should be fun, for the audience, for the predictors and the management. The audience knows it’s not real, don’t try to push the boundaries so hard that it starts getting to other predictors.

Without further ado, because time is money, here is,

THIS WEEK IN LLR:

Oh wait, before that, star ratings (which were totally supposed to be Gabe’s personal opinion and not at all serious but now are the golden truth because I say so, yes I say your match sucked so it sucks, nobody else can like it. Don’t give me that look) will not be given for the events I missed because it’s not fair to judge programs to which I haven’t fully paid attention to, but Wrestle Kingdom will be rated because Tokyo Dome baybay!

Ratings come out every Wednesday so stay tuned,

So without further ado, this time, no swerves..

THIS WEEK IN LLR:

* u/ALLHISWORDSAREBOLD started 2018 with a bang, I mean, bold, by claiming that everything will be Bold. A very true statement because he is now a two time LLR match winner. He is probably the most committed person to a gimmick I have ever seen. March on, Boldy.
* Vicious and Delicious, probably the oldest surviving team in LLR right now, cut a promo, calling out other tag teams and reminding people of who they are. They also demanded a two on two tag team shot for the Royal Rumble PPV (9.99 reddit gold on the LLR Network). This was pointless as the challenge was made pre-Wrestle Kingdom and a match couldn’t be booked.
* u/TheFalconArrow had a very short interraction with u/ThePruef. The The-men exchanged compliments and Falcon told Pruef that he can show him how to move to the next step after just having good matches. Flaw in logic, because not only does Pruef have good matches, he also tells compelling stories. He’s one of the most wholesome pro predictors around.
* For Progress Chapter 60, Indie Boss, u/Mlgbonghits4, achieved a new high (ha) of GM vendetta against u/RyRyLloyd by booking him against u/TheDezoo for a Royal Rumble spot after RyRy’s opponent, u/Trucker1028 didn’t show up. More on Trucker’s situation in Inside Scoops.
* Progress Chapter 60 came waltzing into our lives and what do we know, u/Hatominx became the new and first ever X Division Champion. What a monstrous win.
* Terror Enterprises have started a weekly as the evil maniac, Dr. Terror addressed the victories of his associate, Teeth. Sadly for Doc, he ain’t having no stockholders for his company. Ha, the Observer has more stockholders than him. I did not, of course, mean to show off. I am very humble.
* Gabe didn’t like u/RyRyLloyd much. He said his promos lack any sort of content. Well, RyRyLloyd proves Gabe’s point by cutting a promo which I can recite 10K times in a minute and get my name in Guiness Book of Records. RyRy doesn’t have time for us so he tells us that WM will be his show, he’ll retire u/TheFalconArrow and win the Undisputed Championship back. What a stud.
* LLR continues its shoddy policy of all allowing scheming merchants into the LLR locker room. First it was u/Nintendoshill and now, its u/EAStarWars, shilling about the new Star Wars BattleFront 2 game. Both these slimy shadies were had u/RyRyLloydas their brand ambassadors. Trust me, we at the Observer do not follow such activities at all. We don’t annoy you with adverts and sellers who’ll harrass you. All for 10.99 reddit gold. LLR Observer Newsletter, subscribe now, cause Stone Cold Papa Seltzer says so.
* u/TheBulletWithAName’s In My Sights returned with another episode. Go have a read and see what quality journalism looks like. No? Yeah, you probably don’t need it when you have subscribed to the LLR Observer Newsletter for 10.99 reddit gold. I’ll see myself out…
* He’s done it, he’s done it. After about 11 months of claiming himself to be the greatest of all time, u/VacantforHOF, has finally won a title. The LLR Tag Team Championship along with his ‘best friend’ u/SlowbroJJ. Did you know? Just like how Pris Merigo beat the Cock and Steve Causting in the same night to become the Undisputed Champion, u/SlowbroJJ is LLR’s first ever grand slam champion. GOAT.
* In 1994, Dob Dacklund won the WWF Championship from Shred Bart. It was a shocker that a veteran of his age won. His reign, was abruptly cut off as Petrol beat him in 8 seconds to become the new champion at a house show. The same happened to LLR’s oldest predictor, u/RyRyLloyd who lost his belt to u/AurumVocem. The Singaporean Chainsaw cut a promo about how his flag will always be perched at the summit now, whether he’s champ or not.
* Like all places in the worlds, shady bloggers exist everywhere. These people are usually 12 year olds trying to be popular. That is exactly what u/LLRDotComBlog’s content sounds like. If you wanted to microblog, just get a Twitter account.
* u/danchester\_united, even though he’s got wrong football allegiances, is a hell of a babyface. He cut a promo recapping the highs and lows of his first year in LLR. He thanked the fans for the support and staked a resolve to make 2018, the year of Dan. I sure hope he makes the best of it.
* The man of quinns, u/hironationrockz, won the Trios Championship, only to ditch his fellow champions, u/offtheropesSSP and u/CTU\_Ranger\_Tranquillo and announce himself as the sole champion. Let’s see how it goes from here and if they can keep the belts (spoiler: they don't)
* The Cock Master is back (again) and is now not tranquillo at all. Dropping f-bombs, he’s calling himself the real ingobernable. Will this create a riff in LIR? Will ecock usurp Church’s supremacy?
* u/Wildfreestyle, one of my favourite from the young lions, was shown in a cinema, viewing his match with u/King-Of-Zing. He challenged for the IC title for WK. The Cock did well in Hollywood, we all know how u/Trucker1028 has already kickstarted his career as the lead villain in the Cars franchise, as well as the hit TV series, How I Ruined Your Belt. But if there is one man I already see making it big in Hollywood, it’s this man. Sign him in a multi year contract Church.
* u/King-Of-Zing cut a promo for WK, reminding us of her record with the gift that never stops giving, u/the\_gift\_of\_G2J. 1-1-1. We already know how that ended.
* u/TheFalconArrow is having a mid life crisis. In one of the best segments of the week, u/TheDezoo is coerced to join the Remnant, which as I feel I should remind you folks is now The Advantage minus u/SlowbroJJ and plus u/LemonStains and u/danchester\_united. Also, FalconArrow is a cool boi.
* u/thegamerwhohelps challenged u/TheCivilizedGamer to a one on one match to decide who the real gamer really is in LLR. One on one, no titles on the line. They’re 1-1 against each other and it looks like some score is about to be settled, how you doin?
* u/TheCivilizedGamer, a man who has established himself as the top champion in LLR (fight me) cut a brilliant promo about his two opponents for Wrestle Kingdom, demanding everyone to stop disrespecting the work he put in to be the champion and entertain the LLR Universe.
* u/SirLillyHammond, the Earl of Irascibility, pinned his loss on Monday Night Raw on u/Mundar\_Abagooby, his tag partner, who didn’t like what he had to hear. Of course, then Mr. LillyHammond was informed of his match at Wrestle Kingdom becoming a triple threat which really didn’t bode well with him. For good reason.
* Like almost every person in LLR, u/zquest13, voiced his frustrations about being continuously being booked in multi man matches and not getting returns for his wins. Then you look at the champions of LLR and someone holds two titles, which is not something uncommon. At Wrestle Kingdom alone, more than one person went in as a champion and was challenging for another belt in a different match at the same event. Does that take opportunities away or does the cream rise to the top? Should the management start succumbing to demands and give free shots? Or should predictors up their game? Or should people be stopped from going after multiple titles or going after a title right after losing one? Questions pro predictors and management must answer.
* Wrestle Kingdom had big ramifications as u/hydraloonie won the New Japan Rumble to become the first ever Pacific Champion, End Game lost the tag titles to Team Japan goes Raw, u/TheUnleashedMark became a Hardcore Champion again and u/Hydraloonie, u/zquest13 (lol) and u/PhenomenalInferno became new Trios Champs.
* El Dabo is back, as u/ElDaboFuego
* The world’s smartest predictor, u/Steve\_Chandler\_ turned face and left the NextGen. Very intrigued to see what’s next for ol Steve.
* u/ecock5902’s announcement can be summed up as “I lost lol but I am in the Royal Rumble. Byee”. Very eloquent. But the Cock Mastaah wasn’t done. He realized that he’s not really ‘in’ the Rumble yet because only one spot is left which is at RevPro. Now there are pros and cons to weigh here about his point which can be debated but I’ll leave that open for management and predictors to work upon.
* u/the\_gift\_of\_g2j cut one of the most heartfelt promos of the recent times about how LLR has changed. He talked about what his place has become and what it was. I agree with G2J. While his point about bland characters is not that strong, I agree that this is not the same place. Kayfabe is butchered everyday, people shit on others more often than not, it should be a more conducive environment. Predict, but don’t let the stardom and glitz get to your head.
* If I look at LLR’s history, there have been two aces of the company. The first ace, u/TheFalconArrow and the second ace, u/SlowbroJJ. The torch was passed from the first to the second and while it’s looking like the second ace’s tenure may soon be over, a new one hasn’t been made clear yet, though u/TheCivilizedGamer could very well be that man. But what happens when the first one doesn’t just want to give his spot away? He assaults. He goes crazy and attacks the current champion, u/AurumVocem at the Tokyo Dome. Interesting development folks.
* u/SirLillyHammond didn’t take his WK loss too kindly and has challenged u/Mundar\_Abagooby to settle their differences.
* u/SlowbroJJ, the ace whose crown is crumbling away, talked about his frustrations of not being in the Rumble after WK and how the system is crumbling and LLR management is messing up. He’s not wrong to be frustrated. Mark my words, this will lead to something,
* Annnnnd it did. u/Immathrodis and u/TheCivilizedGamer were having a gala time enjoying their titles, first evah two men to win the Tag Titles with different partners buuut, u/ThePruef, u/TheFalconArrow, u/SlowbroJJ and u/VacantforHOF arrived and wrecked the two men. They are on a rampage. *Undisputed Era intensifies.*
* A good promo, kids, is one which doesn’t zone your audience out. It shouldn’t be too short to make the audience say ‘fuck you’ (as u/IM\_A\_ONE\_MAN\_BANNED did, laying out a two sentence challenge for u/Wildfreestyle at the Royal Rumble) and it shouldn’t be too long that the audience says ‘aw, fuck you’. u/Bahamas\_is\_relevant, you’re in the later. It’s so damn long…
* u/TheUnleashedMark was being taken away after his WK match but it seems the mysterious spirit along with him has different plans. The spirit did something to Mark which seems to have put him over the edge. He’s a raving lunatic now. He’s on a murder spree and he needs to be stopped. Losing the LLR match and the assault by u/TheDezoo post his match at WK has seemed to break him.

Inside Scoops:

* So about u/Trucker1028. Trucker was contacted to make a one off appearance to his roots in LLR. As it appears, Trucker’s success in Hollywood and TV has grown his demands exponentially. He wanted his own private jet to pick him up and a separate locker room. LLR management failed to provide him with it and Trucker no showed like a diva.
* As our sources from the relevant Bahamas have informed us, u/desuroku, the first ever Undisputed Champion has left the islands to act in How I Ruined Your Title’s premiere episode.
* Other indie feds are opening up as pro predicting expands. We already know of Reddit of Honour and New Reddit Pro Wrestling as well as Impact Predicting. LLR needs to tread cautiously if they want to ensure that competition doesn’t eat them up.
* Some LLR talent sadly disappear. The police have issued a few LLR names in the lost people’s list, including u/oithumperoi, u/BrodyMahone, u/EllieDai and u/InsaneIcon. Please report to the local authorities if you spot any one of them.
* NPA records were recently found in an excavation in Egypt. It appears that ancient Egyptians too, indulged in pro predicting. These records are being secretly hidden by u/YourbuddyChurch and u/Immathrodis as they contain mention of flying saucers and other alien tech. Reportedly, u/TheCivilizedGamer found these documents accidently and forced Throdis to tag with him in return for keeping his mouth shut. The rest is history but the plot, folks, thickens.

Young Lions to watch out for:

* u/Wildfreestyle