The Communist Pineapple

Episode 11: Fourth Democratic Debate

Mr. Pepperchicken: Welcome, my heterosexual folks, to another debate in the wonderful world of Bikini Bottom! Today is the fourth democratic debate. Without further adoing, let’s get into today’s topics. Our first topic is criminal justice reform.

[Cut to Mr. Sanders]

Mr. Sanders: People can change, as well as criminals. They can be reformed into normal people, plain and simpler than my health condition.

[Cut to Mr. Biden]

Mr. Biden: I believe that criminal justice is a major problem in Bikini Bottom. They have too many rights. That’s why I wrote the 1994 crime bill, and also why I drugged Mr. Sanders so he could vote for it.

Mr. Sanders: Joe, you scarred me for life.

Mr. Pepperchicken: I'm sorry, Biden, but did you just say-

Mr. Biden: MOVING ON!

Mr. G: I think that all criminals should be released from prison! Instead, we should place Mr. Pineapple in prison instead!

Mr. Pineapple: WHAT

Mr. G: Indeed.

Mr. Fancyson: Well I’ll tell you who’s really committing crime, it’s all the black and brown fish. That’s why we need to make sure all of them are stopped and frisked by the police!

Mr. Pepperchicken: Don’t forget the Jewish fish!

Mr. Fancyson: Well actually I am-

Mr. Sanders: I must say, I am disgusted by the blatant racism on display here by Mr. Fancyson.

Mr. Pepperchicken and Mr. Biden: I don’t see a problem with it.

Mr. Pineapple: 1% of Bikini Bottomites are in prison. That's equivalent to a prison population of 3 million. [snorts] What do you have to say about yourself, Mr. Biden?

Mr. Biden: Sounds good to me!

Mr. Sanders: [steams up] Grrr!

Mr. Chillyrooster: Now let’s turn to a separate issue. Terrorism.

Mr. Pineapple: Woah woah woah! Who says it’s an issue? Once again, the corporate media displays it’s blatant right-wing bias.

Mr. Biden: I disagree with Mr. Pineapple. There’s so much wrong with terrorism. That's why I supported the counterterrorism apparatus against Iraq! 9/11 was a catastrophe!

Mr. Pineapple: That’s not counterterrorism, that’s terrorism! That’s the bad kind! The good kind of terrorism is that committed against Bikini Bottom, not by it!

Mr. R’Onion: I think terrorism commited against or by any country is good, as long as it’s environmental terrorism.

Mr. Sanders: I think terrorism of all forms is wrong-

[Sanders is booed by all the other candidates on the stage]

Mr. Pepperchicken: I think it’s obvious that the best kind of terrorism is that commited by Russia!

Mr. Chillyrooster: Let’s turn the focus to economics.

Mr. Sanders: The billionaire class needs to face justice for their inhumane actions. The working class works just as hard as they do, yet they struggle to even put food on the table.

Mr. Fancyson: How dare you, Mr. Sanders. The billionaire class is one of the best aspects of a functional economy. Without me and my rich tycoon friends, Bikini Bottom would be like Venezuela!

Mr. Biden: I agree with Mr. Fancyson here. We need to stop taxing the billionaire class altogether.

Mr. Pepperchicken: That’s way too extreme. We should only stop taxing the heterosexual folk in the billionaire class, while still mandating that we have to seize every last penny from the wealthy homosexuals.

Mr. Biden: What does their green bags smell like?

Mr. Sanders: What is up with you and money?

Mr. Biden: Well one day I sat on an orange, and that changed my life.

Mr. Sanders: Okay?

Mr. Pepperchicken: Let’s switch topics to music!

Mr. Sanders: Is that even political?

Mr. Pepperchicken: Well it was a listed topic for today, so I guess? Mr. Pecks is an odd fellow.

Mr. Biden: He’s cool with me so we're cool. Number 1 surrogate! [points at Golfpecks in the audience]

Mr. Pecks: [points back] [winks]

Mr. Sanders: Is anyone gonna tell him that you like music?

Mr. Biden: Never.

Mr. Pecks: Excuse me, cease that blasphemy.

Mr. R’Onion: Where did you come from?

Mr. Sanders: I'll cease this blasphemy when I'm dead!

Mr. Pecks: Won't take long.

Mr. Sanders: Well you got me there.

Mr. Pecks: No.

Mr. Chillyrooster: Moving on. Time for… the ECONOMICAL DEBATE, Round Two. Mr. Sanders, you and your campaign have labeled yourselves as Bikini Bottomite “socialists” calling for a government takeover of healthcare and every major industry. Two questions: one, isn't that Communism, and two, didn't you have your honeymoon in Shell City?

Mr. Sanders: Why excuse me, Mr. Rooster, there's nothing wrong with communism. You see, my honeymoon was fully justified because I was also doing a sister city exchange program in Moscow, Shell City at the time, and the commies over there aren't bad folk.

Mr. Fancyson: This is the problem. Sanders is Joseph Stalin’s puppy. Period! He wrote so many essays commending communism, he must be Karl Marx in disguise!

Mr. Sanders: How dare you.

Mr. Biden: If we run on socialism, Marxism, or communism, we will get crushed by Donald Trump and we will get crushed badly.

Mr. Sanders: No! Healthcare as a human right is not communism! Student debt forgiveness is not communism! Raising the minimum wage is not communism!

Mr. Fancyson: Nice try eliminating millions of jobs with that, perp scarecrow.

Mr. Sanders: I am the most progressive candidate, and y’all are just a bunch of filthy right-wingers.

Mr. Pineapple: Who are you calling a right-winger?!

Mr. G: Sir, you refuse to support UBI.

Mr. Sanders: Gotta admit, working a job is better than free money.

Mr. G: No it isn't.

Mr. Pineapple: The problem, Bernie, is you're too conservative.

Mr. Biden: No, he's too leftist!

Mr. Pepperchicken: Socialist!

Mr. Fancyson: Communist!

Mr. Pineapple: What's so bad about communism, anyway?

Mr. Fancyson: It destroys economies.

Mr. Biden: [bangs fists on podium] It destroys lives!

Mr. Pineapple: Sir, you voted to kill thousands of lives in Iraq.

Mr. Biden: They had weapons of mass destruction, so that makes it totally fair.

Mr. Sanders: Imagine believing Bush and Cheney.

Mr. G: They deserve to rot in The Hague.

Mr. Biden: What's “The Hague”?

Mr. Krabs: [shouts from audience] It's worse than Davy Jones’ Locker.

Mr. Biden: Sounds like paradise.

Mr. Sanders: [raises hand] Can I make a statement?

Mr. Chillyrooster: Sure.

Mr. Sanders: Ladies and gentlemen: we are living in the most oligarchic society in fish history, where the masses are being controlled by a handful of billionaires and the top 1% totally unconcerned with the lives of the Bikini Bottom people. Jeff Fish-O’s of Atlantis.com is the richest fish in Bikini Bottom, yet doesn't pay a living wage to his workers. Jeff Fish-O’s doesn't guarantee enough paid leave. Only five months for new parents, instead of an entire year, what a disgrace for a company his size. Atlantis' working conditions are abominable, and that brings me to my final point: we need a wealth tax! [throws his spectacles / glasses at Fancyson] and you and your buddy Perch Perkins will BOTH pay for it! Alongside Fish-O’s and the other cretins.

Mr. Fancyson: That’s a hoax. The wealth tax is unconstitutional!

Mr. Sanders: No it isn't.

Mr. Biden: We need an increased capital gains tax. And an increased corporate tax. If I'm President, I'll reverse Trump’s tax cuts!

Mr. Pineapple: You all are a bunch of blasted buffoons. FDR proposed a tax of 100% for incomes over half a million dollars. Is he insane?

Mr. Fancyson: Yes. There should be NO taxes! I hate taxes!

Mr. Krabs: [from the audience] Fancyson is onto something! [holds a sign] No new taxes! Attaboy!

Mr. Fancyson: We need social liberalism and fiscal conservatism in Oceanton, Bikini Bottom.

Mr. Krabs: Still… Trump’s better at fighting off new regulation. Trump 2020.

Mr. G: We need UBI. Mini Squilliam is just too puny about giving up his health. Who hordes so much wealth?!

Mr. Sanders: Let’s tax billionaires out of existence! 37% wealth tax, or a tax of 2 cents for every dollar above $50 million!

Mr. Pineapple: Sanders is unfit to lead the progressive movement. He isn't unabashed, unlike me. We need 100% taxes to tax billionaires to their extinction ASAP.

Mr. Fancyson: Delusional.

Mr. G: The difference between me and them, as I'm also going after the big banks. Jamie Fishmon committed mortgage fraud on so many homeowners in this wonderful ocean community. He also defrauded and misled investors, and his big bank got a pathetic bailout when it’s literally unbustable. Remove the corporate influence!

Mr. Sanders: I plan to take on the big tech companies like Atlantis.com, Orange iPhones, FishBook, and Foogle. Where's that on your agenda?

Mr. Pineapple: Laughing out laughter, you all think I didn't include all of this in my plans?

Mr. G: Yes. You deserve to be in prison.

Mr. Biden: Centrism rules! The establishment rules!

Mr. Squidward: [through a blow horn from the audience] No it doesn't!

[Squidward runs up to the debate stage, security tries to stop him but they're too slow, climbs up on top and tries to bunch Biden]

Mr. Biden: Watch it, Jack. [punches Squidward back]

Mr. Tentacles: Trying to undermine Sanders, I see. Hayiha!

[Security ambushes Squidward]

Mr. Tentacles: Uh- Sandy! I need your help here! Please provide your Karate skills and expertise!

Securities: [cuff Squidward]

Mr. Tentacles: [screams at the top of his lungs] HELP!

[Secret Service escort Squidward off stage and outside]

Mr. Biden: [clasps and then claps hands] Well, that's the 3,000,001st inmate in the Bikini Bottom Prison! Phew.

Mr. Chillyrooster: Okay, I think this is enough… debating… for today. We will see you guys next time when I go stalk my future wife!

Mr. Pineapple: Wait wha-

[TV shuts off]