The Baggy Stars Present: Fygari-ism/Transcript

(The episode opens on Baghead, R7-A1, and the Candle Friends, who have been walking a long time through Wikia. The Candle Friends are extremely tired.)

Candle Man: (Speaking between breaths.) Remind me again… why we have to… WALK!

Baghead: If we take a car, we could be tracked.

Mystic: But you haven’t told us where we’re going.

(They walk out of civilization, and towards mountains, surrounded by a forest. Candle Man and Limefong get scratched by brambles.)

Candle Man and Limefong: Ow. Ow. Ow.

Baghead: We are attending the bi-annual Wigamidoc summit.

Mystic: I thought Wigamidoc broke up centuries ago!

Baghead: Oh, it did.

Shaduck: Then why have we walked fifty miles to attend something THAT DOESN’T EXIST?!

Baghead: It’s a summit where representatives from every kingdom attend to air their kingdom’s issues!

Everyone: Ohhhhhhh.

Candle Man: Then why are we going?

Baghead: Anyone who routinely defends the town, official or not, is welcome to the summit. But, since this is your first summit, we could not trust you until we arrived.

Shaduck: We’ve arrived?

Baghead: (Annoyed.) Stop asking questions! But yes, we’re here.

(He goes all the way up to the closest mountain and places a hand on it. He pushes, and the panel he placed his hand on pushes in, revealing a door in the side of the mountain.)

Baghead: See?

The Candle Friends: Ah.

(Limefong gets a thorn stuck in his shoulder.)

Limefong: OW!

(Limefong pulls it out.)

Limefong: If any of you have a band-aid…

(Theme song plays. Then, cuts to inside the mountain room. The room is small and dim, and the only thing inside is a table with several chairs surrounding it. The Main 4, Baghead, R7-A1, the royalty of Wikia and Gameopolis, and many unknown people sit around the table. Baghead bangs a gavel on the table.)

Baghead: As the elected leader of this year’s summit, let the conversation… commence!

King: We are still missing the official protector of Discord Central.

King of Wikia: I believe King Wumpus said he would not be coming.

King Wumpus: This is true.

Baghead: Okay then. Gameopolis, you may go first.

(A hooded man in brown robes, yellow boots, a gray belt, and a purple visor stands up.)

The man: Gameopolis has been suffering. Shipments of food have been held up and destroyed in recent days.

Mystic: Sorry if we wanted to see his identification.

(The man waves a hand at Mystic.)

The man: You do not need to see his identification.

Mystic: (Blinks.) I do not need to see his identification.

Candle Man: (Whispering, to Baghead.) Did he just use a-

Baghead: Jedi mind trick? Yeah.

Shaduck: (Whispering, to Limefong.) Did he ever use one of those on us?

Limefong: It only works on weak minds.

Shaduck: Oh. Then we’re safe.

Baghead: Now that we have one issue fixed, let’s move on to the next one…

(Fades in and out of people talking, the Main 4 becoming increasingly bored. Fades on Candle Man, uncomfortably asleep on the table. Baghead bangs the gavel and he immediately wakes up.)

Candle Man: Zzz-(snort) HUUUWAZAAA?!

Baghead: We have finally finished resolving the problems for Gameopolis and Discord Central. Now, we will move on to-

(Baghead starts twitching. Then, his bag begins stretching bigger, his hands covering it. He starts to run out, but then he stuffs a list into Candle Man’s hand.)

Baghead: Go over this whole list, Bot. I need to go early.

(He leaves. Candle Man unravels the list, and it touches the floor.)

Candle Man: Grrrrrrrrrr.

(Cuts to black, then white letters on the screen spell, “Two hours later…” Candle Man finally puts down the list.)

Candle Man: (Slurring.) And finally, we request better export sources for our doorknobs.

The man: Granted. Meeting adjourned.

(He bangs the gavel, waking up Mystic, Shaduck, and Limefong.)

Mystic, Shaduck, and Limefong: AAAA!

(The four and R7-A1 leave. Fades to them walking into civilization, all of them battered, bruised, and dirty. The entire time walking home, R7 has read back the entire meeting.)

R7: (Audio from meeting.) Granted. Meeting adjourned. (Gavel sound.) AAAA!

Candle Man: If you read back what was said on the walk home, I’m gonna go insane.

R7: (Audio from walk home.) If you read back what was said on the walk home, I’m gonna go insane.

Candle Man: YAAAAAAHHHHH!

(They find Baghead’s house and enter.)

Candle Man: The minute I find that little ditcher, I’m gonna go so nuts I’ll call him a-

(They walk into the living room and see Baghead has turned into a…)

The Candle Friends: DRAGON?!

Baghead: (Turning around. The only proof it’s him is the scrap of bag around his eyes.) GUYS?!

(He screams at the Candle Friends and vice versa. Time card says, “A little while later…” Baghead is seated in a recliner, and the Candle Friends sit on a wide couch. Baghead has turned back to normal.)

Candle Man: So you can become a… dragon?

Baghead: Usually I take medicine to stop this from happening, but because we were walking all day, I never got the chance to take it.

Mystic: And that’s why you ran out of the summit?

Baghead: The transformation alternates between happening at midnight and at noon. It was noon when I ran out, and now you know why.

Candle Man: Oh… But how come we never saw you turn into a dragon before? I mean, we must’ve seen you at least once when it was at noon.

Baghead: The medicine I take usually moves it to when I’m asleep or snuffs it out for the day. It’s been quite a few years since the transformation has happened while I was awake.

Candle Man: Well I lived with you for half a decade and knew you for much longer than that!

Baghead: Well, if it happens, I have another group of friends that help me out.

(The door opens, and Pooka, Prince, Jabba, Bobert, and the man all walk in.)

Baghead: Lady and gentlemen, meet The Baggy Stars.

Shaduck: Oh great, another star group.

Baghead: Hey, this one’s older than yours, so shut up.

Candle Man: Who are they? I mean, I can recognize the robot… and the green dude since he’s the cousin of my precious Mystical!

Mystic: Aw, you remember!

Shaduck: Oh yeah! That’s Pooka!

(Pooka does a happy flip.)

Limefong: And that’s Jabba-

Candle Man: Wait, how do you know Jabba?

Limefong: Uhh… Anyway, who’s that man?

The man: Nordic’s the name. Me and Baghead met during the big war on-

Candle Man: -Ferdango, yes, we know.

Mystic: So every time you turned into a dragon…

Baghead: They helped me out, yes.

Candle Man: Wait, I think you’ve seen you all before…

Pooka: Erba erba erba erba erba!

(The Candle Friends stare at Pooka, then at Baghead, then back at Pooka.)

Baghead: He says you saw him and the others from time to time. He was in Wikia during the first UCP battle.

Shaduck: So what happens now?

Baghead: You must never tell anyone about what you saw. It could wreck my career, my life, my reputation-

Candle Man: Okay then, not telling anyone!

(Cuts to a party at TwoBrains’ house. Candle Man is holding a cup of punch and is surrounded by TwoBrains, Pesron, Moose, and Limefong.)

Candle Man: So yeah, I learned recently that Baghead is part-dragon.

(Limefong facepalms as the others gasp.)

Candle Man: What?

(Cuts to a view of the city the next day. A speech bubble appears above TwoBrains’ house. TwoBrains is on the phone in it.)

TwoBrains: You’ll never believe this, TwoBrains II!

(A speech bubble pops out of Space’s house.)

Space: Cubie, listen to this!

(A speech bubble pops out of the forest.)

Moose #1: (To Moose #2.) Did you hear?

(Speech bubbles pop out of every house and building in Wikia except the Candle House, Baghead’s house, Kellie’s, and the Baggy Stars’ individual houses. Cuts to the Candle House. Everyone is playing video games when Baghead slams the door. The parts of the bag under his eyes are soggy.)

Baghead: You. I TRUSTED YOU!

Candle Man: What?

Baghead: Kellie tipped me off that she heard from Space who heard from TwoBrains II who heard from TwoBrains who heard from you that I was part-dragon!

Shaduck: Wait, Kellie knew?

Baghead: Of course she did! But you broke your promise.

Candle Man: I didn’t promise. Just saying.

(Baghead takes out his lightsaber and slices Candle Man’s controller in half.)

Candle Man: Hey! I WAS PLAYING WITH THAT!

Baghead: Oh, did you lose a part of your life right there? WELL SO DID I!

Candle Man: Come on, so what if you’re part-dragon? It’s not like it’s the end of the world if people find out!

Baghead: IT’S DESTROYED EVERYTHING I SAID IT WOULD! AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!

(He storms out the door and slams it, but peeks through.)

Baghead: Botuczy Fiery Candle, out of all the things you’ve ever done, this is by far the worst. I am never speaking to you ever again!

(He closes the door, presumably walking away after that. Cuts back to the Candle Friends. Mystic, Shaduck, and Limefong angrily glare at Candle Man.)

Candle Man: What? You guys probably would’ve revealed it too if not for me.

Shaduck: I was true to my word!

Limefong: Jeah, me too!

Mystic: Congratulations, Candle Man. You just ruined your oldest friend’s life.

Candle Man: Oh come on, the reveal that he’s part-dragon won’t hurt anyone!

Limefong: We’ll see, heartbreaker.

(Cuts to the Spammers’ lair. The phone rings, and Ivanmaste rushes to answer it, but Whickey shoves him away.)

Whickey: I’m the leader, so I answer the phone.

(He picks up the phone.)

Whickey: Who the flip is this?! Oh. Hi, Goxic. What’s up? Huh? What?! How come this is new news?! I see. Hmm. Oh well. Thanks for the tip. Bye motherflipper. (Hangs up. To the other Spammers.) That was Goxic. He just heard Baghead is part dragon and that Candle Man told everyone!

Kitchen: BAGHEAD IS HALF-DRAGON?!

Whickey: Part-dragon. Anyway, the Candle Friends must be in pieces. Now’s our time to strike!

Flames: What do you mean?

Whickey: I mean it’s time we pay them a visit!

Ivanmaste: Could you stop being so vague?

Whickey: ALRIGHT! WE GO TO THE CANDLE FRIENDS’ HOUSE WHILE THEY’RE IN PIECES AND OBLITERATE THEM!

Everyone else: THANK YOU/DKENRI KIF (Subtitles: THANK YOU!)

(Cuts to the Candle House. Everyone has started throwing things.)

Shaduck: (To Candle Man.) I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STILL FEEL NOTHING AFTER RUINING BAGHEAD’S LIFE!

Candle Man: IT WAS GONNA BE REVEALED ANYWAY!

Mystic: YOU COULD’VE LET BAGHEAD DO IT WHEN HE WAS READY, BUT NOOOO, YOU HAD TO REVEAL IT AND MAKE BAGHEAD LESS COMFORTABLE THAN HE ALREADY IS!

Candle Man: WELL YOU LITERALLY JUST SAID HE’D HAVE REVEALED IT HIMSELF ANYWAY, SO WHAT’S THE POINT IN NOT REVEALING IT?

Limefong: Why are we yelling?

Candle Man: BECAUSE MYSTIC AND SHADUCK CAN’T GET OVER ME REVEALING SOME STUPID SECRET!

Limefong: To be honest, you were kind of a thunder jerk back there.

(Candle Man throws a flower pot at Limefong.)

Candle Man: SHUT U-

(The front door gets blown off the hinges and hits the ground. The nine Spammers file into the house.)

Whickey: I knew it!

Candle Man: NOT RIGHT NOW, BUTTHEADS!

Whickey: Luis?

(Luis immobilizes the Candle Friends.)

The Candle Friends: HEY!

Ivanmaste: You’re coming with us!

Whickey: That’s my line! You’re coming with us!

(They carry the Candle Friends out of the house. Gyux grabs the door and puts it back on its hinges, then slams the door. Cuts to Baghead’s house. The Baggy Stars are there.)

Baghead: No! I’m not doing it.

Bobert: You should!

Baghead: He revealed my second deepest darkest secret! I’m not gonna forgive him, let alone apologize!

Prince: You can’t stay mad at him forever! At some point you’ll have to-

Baghead: NO! Nothing you’ll say will make me want to forgive him.

Jabba: Mespess derembo glie- (Can I say some-)

Baghead: NO!

Nordic: Let me speak.

Baghead: Fine! You have thirty seconds.

(Bobert starts a timer.)

Nordic: You should never apologize, it’s true, but forgiveness will make both of your lives better. Candle Man probably felt shame, and his friends too, but you can’t make them feel bad forever, especially when 75% of them did absolutely nothing! I think you should forgive Candle Man, but I also think he should make it up to you.

(Baghead looks out the window. The sun is going down.)

Baghead: I guess you’re right.

(Bobert’s timer dings.)

Baghead: Alright, I’ll go forgive Bot, I guess.

(He and the other Baggy Stars walk over to the Candle House. Baghead knocks on the door, and it falls forward to reveal a messy home.)

Prince: Geez, this place is a pigsty!

Baghead: That’s not what I’m worried about. They’re not here!

Bobert: Then where could they be?

Baghead: Nordic, let’s find out.

(They close their eyes and reach out to the Force.)

Baghead: I see… a brown figure… Limefong! Getting hit in the face with a flowerpot?

Nordic: Then… the door being blasted open… and nine figures go inside! The leader is… bald?

Baghead: Whickey! And he shaves his head. Hmm… Black robes… Luis! He froze and kidnapped the Candle Friends! But where did they go?

Pooka: Erba erba erba!

Bobert: He says they went to the forest.

Baghead: Yeah, they did! But how did he-

(Pooka kicks over his phone. On it is Whickey’s social media profile. He has posted, “OMG G0T 2 $L@V3 4W4Y K1DN4PP1NG TH3 (4NDL3 FR13ND$ 4ND T4K3 TH3M T0 TH3 F0R3$T... SMH”, then a bunch of emojis and “#Swag”.)

Nordic: Ah.

Prince: Let’s roll.

(Pooka rolls out the doorway. Cuts to the forest. The Spammers put the Candle Friends in a cage.)

Limefong: Oh god, I’m having flashbacks…

(The moon is now high up in the sky.)

Candle Man: Geez, we’ve been here for a while.

Whickey: Yeah, it’s nearly midnight.

Kitchen: But that doesn’t mean we’ll let you go.

???: (Offscreen.) No, but we will!

Maps: Who goes there?!

(A few feet away stand The Baggy Stars, Baghead in front.)

Baghead: The official protector of Wikia and friends.

The Candle Friends: BAGHEAD!

Bobert: Attack!

(Five of the six Baggy Stars run at the Spammers, but Baghead stays still.)

Shaduck: Why-

Baghead: Just watch.

(The five Baggy Stars and the nine Spammers all run towards each other. Gyux tries to catch Pooka in his arms, and when he does, Kitchen runs toward Pooka. Pooka kicks Kitchen, then rolls in his place to kick Gyux.)

Gyux: Drexjdfwserdifsedxdffdseldcosdfjfaowsedcgsdfggfydsdcglsesorazsrdg! (Subtitles: Hey!)

(Every Spammers runs toward Pooka, but Pooka easily knocks them over using only his legs as weapons.)

Whickey: GAH!

(Everyone but Gyux gets up. Bobert just stands there.)

Bobert: Activating combat mode.

(Bobert becomes bigger, and his arms become cannons the size of a yoga ball. Every stares wide-eyed at the combat mode and Maps feints. Meanwhile, The four new Spammers charge at Jabba, but he smacks Flames, Ivan, and Secretky with his tail and eats Book, gargles, and spits him out. He becomes stuck to the ground by the mucus. Kitchen turns his attention to Prince, who gets into a fighting stance.)

Prince: I know karate! Or is it Kung Fu? Maybe it’s Tae-Kwo- ANYWAY, I’M GONNA BEAT YOU UP!

Kitchen: You will try-

(Prince kicks Kitchen in the face, knocking her out.)

Prince: Well, that pretty much eliminates the need to beat her up.

(Cuts to Nordic, who takes out his lightsaber and activates it. The hilt has some fire damage on it, but looks shiny and new otherwise. His saber glows a brilliant purple as he slices Luis’ broomstick in two and Force-pushes him over.)

Luis: Ugh, two Jedi.

(Nordic proceeds to destroy every weapon the Spammers have. He cuts off Whickey’s robotic hands and then slices the bars of the cage open. With only three Spammers against the nine Candle Friends, the former seem to have lost…)

Ivanmaste: NOT SO FAST!

(Ivan, Secretky, and Book have grabbed a giant stun gun. They freeze Pooka, Nordic, Bobert, Prince, Jabba, and the Candle Friends.)

Mystic: (Groaning.) Ohhh...

Baghead: Oh fine. I’ll fight in three, two one…

(A beep is heard, and Ivan looks at his watch.)

Ivan: Midnight.

(Baghead starts twitching. Then, his bag begins stretching bigger. Instead of covering it, he lets it happen. His skin and clothes are covered with green scales. Green wings with orange outlines poke out of his back. His feet and hands become clawed. A snout starts extruding out of the bag, tearing the part it’s supposed to cover. Finally, the stress that the upper part of the bag takes culminates into a giant tear across his right eye, looking like a scar.)

Baghead: It’s time for you to fight the Bagon!

(Every Spammer becomes free of what the Baggy Stars have done to them and grab inventions set aside until now. Bagon spits fire on the new recruits, burning them badly. He then uses his claws to scratch Kitchen, Gyux, and Maps, who all join the new recruits on the ground. Bagon reaches into his scales and takes out his lightsaber, turns it on, and tries to strike Luis, but the latter takes Nordic’s lightsaber and parries, then knocks it out of the former’s hand.)

Luis: Looks like the Bagon can’t Jedi well! Ha ha h-

(Bagon grabs Luis, lifts him up, and tears off his robotic hand. He hits Luis in the head with it, knocking him out.)

Bagon: Eight down! Who’s next?

(He turns to Whickey, who stands ready to fight, but then he runs off in a different direction.)

Bagon: That’s what I thought.

(The transformation ends, and Bagon turns back into Baghead. The Candle Friends wake up.)

Candle Man: Ohhh, my head…

Shaduck: Candle Man?

Candle Man: Where am I? What happened? Why are the Spammers on fire?

Mystic: He doesn’t remember!

Limefong: Does that mean…

Baghead: All we have to do is wait for people to want a follow-up on his claim!

(The Baggy Stars wake up.)

Prince: Well, that’s good.

(Bobert deactivates his combat mode and goes back to normal.)

Candle Man: Who… WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!

Baghead: (Quickly gesturing to each.) Pooka, Bobert, Jabba, Nordic, Prince. Now, let’s all go get some Hutt rolls.

(Everyone perks up and starts to follow Baghead out of the forest.)

Bobert: But me and Pooka cannot eat!

Nordic: More for us!

(Everyone laughs. Fades to the bakery. Baghead grabs their orders from Kellie.)

Kellie: So did the status quo be employed like you said it would?

Baghead: Yup. They all bought it. Disguising yourself as Goxic really topped it off.

Kellie: But you had the great idea to make Candle Man lose his short term memory!

Baghead: Well, thanks anyway.

Kellie: No problem.

(Baghead walks away. He goes to the table and dishes out the pastries.)

Baghead: Eight Hutt rolls. Candle Man, here’s the bell.

(Baghead hands the bill to Candle Man, which comedically stretches all the way to the floor. Candle Man slumps on the table.)

Candle Man: Ugh.

(R7 rolls up behind him.)

R7: (Audio from the bakery conversation.) Ugh.

(Episode ends.)