DPDA Case No. 31

DPDA Case Number 31, dubbed ''Hard Chord'' is arguably the largest and most ambitious case of the Denzel Pepper Detective Agency. The following case report is written by Cecil Longstaff.

## Hard Chord

### Performers

Denzel Pepper
Cecil Longstaff

Tim Crescent

Benjamin Sellars

Jacquees Higgins

Dr. Charanjeet Singh

Bernard Smith

Vincent Valentine

Barfolomew Smith

Jasper Scunthorpe

DeSaad Pepper

Wilfred Pebble

Granny Bertha

Several Criminals

### Location

St Malo, France
Louviers, France

Nesles, France

Acheres-la-Foret, France

Miami, Florida

Millbrook, Alabama

Buena Vista, Georgia

Summerville, Georgia

Chicago, Illinois

Lucas, Kansas

Houston, Texas

Los Angeles, California

La Conchita, Mexico

Eben-Emael, Belgium

Lemgo, Germany

Spreitenbach, Switzerland

Chandigarh, India

## Introduction

It was a cold April night - the 12th of April 1998. I was at the office, with Mr. Benjamin Sellars...We received an email on the master computer. It was from a rich local man who reported that his daughter had been kidnapped by a gang of criminal thugs who demanded 5,000,000 GBP in return for returning the donny's daughter. From the moment he spoke the words ''Kidnapped'' I knew that Denzel Pepper would save this man's daughter.

I summoned Denzel, Tim, and Bernard to the Headquarters immediately. All detectives on scene took this very seriously. We drove to the rich bloke's mansion. It was definitely a robbery-worthy mansion. The man received a call from the kidnapper. As soon as the rich man (who we will call Sam from now on) answered the phone, he broke down into tears. We knew the kidnapper was a SICK FUCK when he laughed. He repeated his demands, and he told Sam not to contact the police. Little did he know, he contacted someone better than the police.

Tim tracked down where the phone call was from. St. Malo, Brittany. Denzel was overjoyed. He knew France better than he knew his own house. Denzel immediately proclaimed ''This it too small for four detectives. We need to hire some temporary people.'' Bernard hired his cousin, Barfolomew Smith of Barfolomew Farm. Denzel contacted Jacquees Higgins - the leader of a Whitby Gang, Vincent Valentine - a Napoleonic war re-enactor, and Dr. Charanjeet Singh - a cutie.

Me, Denzel, Barfolomew, Tim and Bernard set sail to St. Malo, Jacquees, Vincent and Charanjeet stayed in London. We arrived at the coast of St. Malo on the 18th of April 1998 at 5:57 AM.

We had sailed wrongly, and landed on a small island near St. Malo, and our boat had crashed. We were practically stranded. Denzel looked out into the sea. He proclaimed ''We must swim to the mainland.'' We were shocked. Bernard shed a tear and said ''He's right. We must.'' We swam and swam and swam. It were maaaaad. Fortunately, Tim brought a boom-box with him, and played the song ''Barbie Girl.'' As we were a few miles away from the mainland, an old woman spotted us, and helped us by getting her boat. It turns out she was the captain of the local Fishing association, and thought we were large fish.

We asked her if she had seen a dodgy looking fella round. She told us that a couple of days ago, Four men in masks stormed a local shop. The most vital part of information is that they had a young girl with them. Denzel fell on the floor with his hands over his face. He said ''Those bastards!'' Tim loaded his gun and said ''We'll get them. Dead or alive.'' We asked the woman if she saw what make and model their car was. She claimed it was a 1971 Hillman Imp, yellow. Denzel was once again shocked. It was the same make and model as the old Pepper-Mobile, which Denzel had compressed into a cube the previous summer. Denzel broke down into tears, reminded of the past. Bernard calmed him down. I drank a bottle of rum, and questioned the woman where the men went. She said that she overheard them saying they were going to Louviers. Denzel exclaimed ''Normandy!'' He then said ''Ces connards peuvent sucer un chien s'ils pensent connaître la France mieux que moi.'' The old lady's mouth curled upwards into a smile, and her face was clearly proud of Denzel. Denzel ran to the new and updated Pepper-Mobile (A Black Jeep). We all got in and thanked the old lady.

We drove off to Louviers, and arrived there about two hours later. On our way there, we sung the 1992 hit song ''After All'' by The Frank and Walters. It was maaaaad. Tim was brandishing his machette, clearly ready for action. Benjamin was asleep for most of the ride, due to his motion sickness in foreign countries. We arrived at Louviers at 7:45 AM. We went into the local town hall and gave a speech asking if anyone had seen four men with black masks and a little girl. No one said a word. When we left the hall, an old man came to us and said ''Je sais où ils sont.'' (I know where they are.) Denzel was delighted. We drove to the old man's house where he told us the exact details of what he saw. He claimed that the house next door has a 1971 Yellow Hillman Imp parked in the driveway. My face became aroused with pleasure. The old man pointed at the particular driveway, and claimed that the car left earlier. Denzel screamed ''Merde d'oiseau!'' (''Bird Shit!'') A bird was about to shit on the old man's arm, but Denzel pushed him out of the way. The old man began to cry tears of joy. He said ''No one ever told me to dodge bird shit...Thank you Denzel Michael Pepper.'' As the man was thanking him, Denzel spotted the car in the distance. Tim took out his Gatling gun and set it up outside the man's house, opposite to the driveway the car supposedly parked in. Me and Denzel began charging at the car. I took out my lance. We ran in complete silence, like graceful, delicate panthers. Denzel released a deathly screech, and the car halted. Denzel performed a double frontflip onto the car. Bernard walked calmly towards the car, and smashed the front window with his sheer force. He released a bear-like growl. ''Grrrrrrr.'' Tim began shooting his gun at the wheels. Bernard grabbed the man by his neck and threw him out of the car. The other man in the car was cowering in fear. I bit him and he screamed in pain, as the rum in my mouth penetrated his arm and entered his blood stream. He dropped unconscious due to the pure amount of rum that contaminated his blood.

Benjamin questioned the remaining man on where the girl is. He claimed that the other two men in their group took her to a cottage in Nesles, France, where the criminals arranged for Sam to pick her up with the money. Tim shot the man with a tranquillizer dart, and Benjamin called the Headquarters in Camden, where Jacquees, Jasper, Wilfred, DeSaad and Sam were. We warned them that they have her in Nesles. Without further delay, we took the men with us and began driving to Nesles with the men tied up in the back. Me and Bernard ocassionally barked and growled at them...''RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF GRRRRR''. It took us another two hours to arrive at Nesles. The air was foggy, and the atmosphere was dreary. Besides us, not a sound could be heard, not even a mouse. In the distance, we heard a gunshot. We were worried sick. Bernard's cute face became a menacing concoction of raging features.

We drove and drove until we arrived at Nesles. Bernard, Tim and Benjamin stayed in the car with the criminals. I rang Sam up and alerted him we were here. It were pissing down with rain. Me and Denzel smoked a fag, and proceeded to walk over the the house. We saw some men through the window, and prepared ourselves. Tim came out of the car, machette in hand, and broke down the door with his muscular left leg. The men in the house jumped with fright and unsheathed guns from their pockets. Bernard saw us in this sorry situation, and came to help us. He inflicted his martial art techniques on the men and disarmed them. Tim began whispering horrid things to them...''Rudolf fucked your mum...'' It were scary. Denzel beat his chest like a gorilla to assert his dominance. I was thinking of doing what dogs do to assert their dominance by pissing on the twats, but then I realised that not even our fit lawyer, Cherry Jenkins, could get us out of that. ''Your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.'' muttered Denzel. We were shocked like mad. I laughed because I thought he was joking, but alas, his face remained true to his feelings. Denzel gave a disturbing but moving speech...I've forgotten it for the most part, but the little parts I do remember scar me, and wake me up at night in cold chills and fever...''I've got a slightly sick feeling in my stomach, as if I'm standing on top of a very high building. Your canker'd faces repel me. I'll pick the flesh from your bones, and feed them to the whether'd dog.'' Shit, man. The criminals were also scarred, combined with our intimidation tactics, Denzel's speech, and Tim's horrid words. They kept shouting ''ACHERES-LA-FORET!'' So, we threw them in the trunk of the Pepper-Mobile, and began driving to Acheres-La-Foret.

The trip was long and grueling. Denzel's mood was eerie and secretive. Bernard's long, skanky finger went ''Smack, smack, smack'' at the criminals in the back seat, slowly destroying them mentally. I drank some more rum, anticipating the criminals to say something, and eventually they gave in. They told us that a secure point was located at Acheres-La-Foret, and that some more of their goonies were stationed there. The criminals told us the location to the place, so we drove there. We stopped at a road which lead up to a gated estate. It started pissing down with rain again. We caught sight of a figure at the gate. We parked up and ran to the gate. By the time we got there, the figure had disappeared. Benjamin and Bernard stayed in the car to make sure the criminals we took did not run away. As we walked down the path, strange chiming music started playing from deep in the forest. At the end of the path we found a kinky gong. The figure re-appeared, a woman dressed in black. Shit. We were scared at this utterly pants situation. What if it were a demonic witch? What if she was a relative of Tony Blair? What if she was a Disko hater? All these thoughts were going through our heads. Tim unsheathed his holy water crossbow and began walking towards the woman. She shot a spitball at us, and at that point, we lost our cool. Denzel ran wild like a cheetah. He floored the woman with one swift punch. Tim ran back to the car to ask the criminals if she was associated with them, and they confirmed our suspicions. ''Had we but world enough and time, I would give you a great right hook.''

## Gallery

Denzel looking at the coast of St. MaloDenzel being startled by a bird about to shit on Old Man Luis' armDenzel noticing a car matching the kidnapper's car's descriptionDenzel standing outside of his car on the wrong side of the roadDenzel lost in the French woodsDenzel looking for the KidnapperGranny Bertha opening the front doorDenzel and Granny BerthaDenzel and an Ex-ConBarfolomew and DenzelOld Man JenkinsDenzel noticing another car matching the Kidnapper's descriptionOld Man Jenkins demonstrating the kidnapper's faceOld Man McHiggins playing to DenzelDenzel impersonating a construction workerJacquees in LA after beating up some hippiesJacquees trapped in a black roomDenzel impersonating an old womanDenzel on the swing