I'm Just.. Girl What/Confessionals

## Day 17

but this means merge should be in a round or two i'm hyped!!! probs f12-f11 merge???"

so anabel was accused of rigging tribe leader for herself in the tribe chat but like jokingly u feel.
the gag? she actually did because she is apparently frustrated with jp to the point where she wants to take him over to our tribe and give him a good talking to?????????????
why is she mad? bc he voted shay and not keaton? i'm just.. girl what. like ya shay was an obvs antianara boot but she's still an antianara boot and if we kidnap another antianara (my preference would be alex), jp and byron have a serious shot at taking power on their tribe w/ edvin in a 3-2. if we take jp, byron could be in a tough spot. chieko told a lot of stories here, but one of them was that she doesn't trust byron and if we kidnap jp and take away byron's support structure on that tribe, we could be leaving him to die.
so i'm contemplating whether or not to like.. tell her not to do that and kidnap alex. if i try to like clue her in that we'd be screwing byron (i said it once kinda lowkey so i'd have to reaffirm it), i think she'd kidnap an antianara and if i expose chieko's conflicting stories, i think she'd be inclined to gun for alex. but like.. tbf i don't feel a strong bond to byron at all and jp leaving wouldn't suck either given that he knows about the idol, so i'm not necessarily sure how badly i want to support them??
tbf im rlly happy that it's anabel who is tribe leader bc i do feel like we're tight enough that i could actually influence her decision, it's just abt is doing that a smart move?
this is all under the assumption that we win, of course, which isn't looking likely given the MESS that this challenge is.. i tried to sit because i want to work on threat management. i've been OTT in three straight challenges and if i put myself out there again, i'm basically asking to be targeted so for now, it's really best to lay low even if it means we lose. if we lose, idk who keaton would kidnap, but i do think it'd be either zeezo or anabel (maybe tal if they really wanted to make things tricky over here) so i'm not getting a get out of jail free card this time.
but ya we're literally re-enacting marpesia's final pre-swap tribal.. bc spencer was messy and they want to crucify him a lil more. poor spencer oml. and we're getting NOWHERE. like.. i have no idea what we're doing.. the perfectionist in me says write the script, develop the concepts, add creative spunk but i need to fight my inner perfectionist and let these ppl have their mess which is.. not me. i'm rlly hope there's a method to this madness and we turn something out. at least they're giving us insight into their tribal dynamic.
the only names i've heard are zeezo and tal for tribal and idk.. i really like both of them n could see myself working with them down the line, but antianara does need to be knocked down a peg so we'll see. in a perfect world, swapped valasca goes to tribal and i go under the radar, but the world isn't perfect and i can't stick my neck out in another challenge.
anyways, the overall landscape of the people on this tribe is:
anabel - my ""closest"" ally but we conceptualize this game very differently? she's getting info and it's going to me, which is really good bc i'm also getting her live emotional reactions to it and can maybe flip it on her if i need to bc she's said something negative abt jp, byron, isabel, abigail, zee, and tal HJKDSHJKF
tal - the obvious target but also someone i could really work with down the line so while i don't know if i'd stick my neck out for him, i do stan him
zee - legend probably winning this bc she's smart with information n doing just enough socially. might be in the hot seat if tal is kidnapped
phoenix - i don't trust him!!! i get some insight into what he's doing through anabel, but the fact that that insight isn't coming to me makes me v nervous abt his intentions. might be a crack in the marpesia three bc of how close he is w/ ana
abigail - probably my weakest connection? she's absolutely lovely and a great person our convos just always seem to falter
isabel - love her.. her activity has dropped quite a bit from og marpesia which actually seems good in a way
maybe i'm in a bad spot. maybe i'm in a good spot. but the game is accelerating and i'm hyperanalyzing. if i don't speed up, i might be left behind."

If we lose I swear to god-"

mess y'all. MESS. but hopefully the fact that they're intent on doing their tribal means i can get more insight into their dynamic and use that down the line.. if i make it past this vote JSJSJJSJS"

## Day 18

i'm so gagged.. apparently i have worse taste than i thought anabel really did that for our tribe and i should stop being a bitch..
jp coming over is cute.. anabel and i had a brief talk abt kidnapping today to touch base and she was intent on it and idc enough abt byron to try to like.. be bold for him so ya.. according to jp he stands a shot anyways and it could be keaton tonight which shocks me bc chieko said it was her, jp, and byron as a core group so wouldn't alex and edvin still be minority?
we'll see. i'm lowkey iffy about jp he seems to do the same thing i do and plays down what he knows. from what i've gathered like.. chieko told anabel and phoenix more than he's told me so far so maybe we're not close after all or he's just playing his cards close to his chest?
either way this should be the last pre-merge round unless we have like.. a double tribal next to gag us which means we're merging at 12??? that's so.. wow i'm shook. i was banking on a later merge for my game so i'll need to adjust a little.
the thing is i'm structuring a lot of my game around the pre-merge way of doing this.. building foundations.. what's good for my group, etc. i think the whole ""group think"" of it all is what is keeping a target on my back. with the merge, the game will become individual and as people become less tethered to me, i'm nervous i become a roadblock in their path to the end. so ya.. i'll need to think of a solution asap!!"

We won immunity which is great but now my tribe knows Keaton would have kidnapped me and Phoenix threw some shade about that in the tribe chat and I'm like ugh stop it it's not my fault I was getting kidnapped... :( I really hope we merge after this because I cannot take any more heart attacks on this tribe. I know my position is really vulnerable here.
Anabel told me that she thinks the Marpesians want to work with the Valascans which I know means that if we go to tribal either Tal or me will be targeted. She said if 'the plan' is me she'll just do a throaway vote and I'm like jeez thanks how nice of you... It's clear to me that Anabel does not have a strategic bone in her body so although I think I can trust her I really can't rely on her. Also I tried talking to her after #kidnapgate and maybe I'm just being paranoid but I think even she was a little cold with me... Idk why!!! It makes no sense so I'm probabaly just being paranoid huh...
Isabel and Abi keep talking about how close they are and if I do end up on the chopping block hopefully I can try using that to somehow weasel my way out of things. Things aren't looking great for me rn though... I still think I will probabaly be able to survive over Tal if we do end up going to tribal but I'm not nearly as confident of that as I was before.
Also Jp and I made a deal that if we were ever leaders on our tribe we would kidnap each other which is kinda iconic.... Hope he's the next leader!!!
Alright talk to you later Doary... Zeezo out!!! "

Sorry for bothering you again but I feel bad and just wanna say Anabel may not be as strategic because this is her first org and she's only 14. She's not dumb or anything at all :(
Srry for offending u doary... "

also anabel's antics are getting.. ya. they're a lot. now she's made a deal w/ JP that they'll kidnap each other and it's like.. ok great for u.. why are u telling me this HKDSHFKSKDJ..
anyways, i'm kinda really vibing with zee, tal, and isabel these days above anyone else. phoenix is too shady for me, abigail and i can't hold a convo, and anabel is just.. hopefully she'll be a good shield in the merge but also i might have to think about taking her out.
as for the landscape of this game, i think if we're merging next, it could be very messy lowkey. the threes tribes have really intermingled at this point and i feel like this could be a very voting bloc based game but there are no clear sides bc those groups are kinda dispersed across tribes.. i might have to make a relationship map in the morning. i think merge boot could be close to unan bc unless sides form really quickly, it'll likely be whoever has built the weakest bonds and i think that could be tal lowkey?? bc imo valasca could end up in a middle position maybe?? ik JP and chieko have built like a strong bond n anabel and phoenix have built a close bond, so that kinda has valasca in between og marpesia and antianara so that could get messy. but then against phoenix and chieko were strategizing so maybe there's a link there too?
i might use the kidnapping as an excuse to make a chat with myself, anabel, and JP bc it seems like both are very socially integrated in their respective swapped tribes so linking myself to them might be smart to see the overall fabric of this game but i don't want to like.. be too bold there's no real reason bc both anabel and i have already had strategic chats w/ JP since he got here.. plus if we're merging yet an OG valasca chat is lowkey bound to happen regardless."

Been sort of anxious this tribal. Would have expected to win the challenge honestly. Failed idol trial no. 3 because of it. Know a few things, of course.
Jake has the idol. Yadda, yadda.
But also that Shay called two people out when she was voted out. Keaton and Alex. Keaton because he kept leaving her on read and Alex because he betrayed her on the vote.
Used these two call-outs as guidelines on where to push forward at tribal. The two options were Alex and Keaton of course. At first I was heading towards voting out Alex by turning the tribe against him, might have managed to work with a few people, but now we can all come to an agreement that he's fairly neutral.
Then my little ol' ally Edvin came along and he's telling me ""What about Keaton?""
So sure, we flipped the tides toward Keaton and he should be knee-deep in troubled waters very soon. Hopefully with my Alex talk, Keaton should be only voting him. Even confirmed it in our alliance chat with Chieko and Keaton about it, just to be 100% that he'll mistakenly vote Alex.
If these are my last words then I want to say, one: Bananas are a good source of potassium. And two-
Incinerator out."

i basically went to her, came up w/ an excuse, and now we have an og valasca chat to add byron to at the merge and i do genuinely feel somewhat solid w/ this group!! idk.. i feel like we have each other's backs at the moment, even if anabel picking JP put byron in a tough spot.
anyways, JP basically checks w/ me privately that anabel still doesn't know about the idol and i think about how to frame it w/o saying ""ya she's leaky"". so i just say she and phoenix have gotten tight and i think he could be playing her, so while i fully trust her, i don't trust phoenix or the marpesias. it makes sense and it means if down the line, he would try to drive a wedge between anabel and i w/ me withholding information, i can literally quote myself saying i trust her just not phoenix so woo!!
but ya.. JP goes on to elaborate that apparently i'm public enemy number one on swapped valasca and they're calling me a god. first off, that's offensive. god is a woman. second off, i'm a threat??? literally jp, anabel, zee, chieko, and isabel are all slaying this game socially n strategically but apparently i'm a threat?? i'm like.. frustrated at this. i knew getting a 90 in simon was bad target management, but it was better than flushing my idol in a big move pre-swap, which would be even worse target management (and i wouldn't have an idol). it's like circumstance forced me to play hard and now i'm picking up the pieces.
so apparently the main two behind this are alex and chieko, which makes sense. i'm confused but also really happy about JP telling me, but i feel like there's some ulterior motive? like there's no world in which i think we'd go to the end together, so i think he's trying to keep me around as a shield. but chieko did call him her closest ally on their new tribe and he reciprocated it, so him telling me is a huge first step like.. he could've left me in the dark and blindsided with an idol in my pocket, so as far as i'm concerned, i have a real bond with JP. tbf he could try to create this rivalry between myself and chieko bc he'd be able to play both sides of it, but we'll see what happens. i'm just still suspicious, but i trust him a lot more than i did before.
i'm okay with flushing my idol to solve this as well because i do feel like it's only trouble in the late game w/ someone knowing abt it. if i could snatch the marpesia idol and keep that a secret, that'd be great but my valasca idol has lost a lot of power in that it could be public knowledge. but ya.. until i know what the merge looks like, it'll be hard to like.. lock down a strategic approach for this new dilemma but i do have a few people who i feel would keep me around, namely anabel, jp, isabel (by extension: abigail), and tal, so hopefully that amounts to something!
here's what i will say though. i might be a flop. i might be incompetent. and i might have no chance at doing well at this, now moreso than ever. but when i hear my name thrown like some sort of sports ball, it lights a fire under me. and i'm going to do everything in my power to make sure they get burnt. so let's light up, bitches."