Burgewehr

—**Burgewehr motto.**

The ***Burgewehr*** (*Burger Gun*) is the entirety of the German Armed Forces, which comprises of the *Sturmbull* (*Storm Beef*), *Luftwaffel* (*Air Waffle*), and *Wasserbrotwurst* (*Water Hotdog*). All of these are also the names of foods you can find on a menu in Germany.

There were also special units called the Sturmtruppen, the Schutzstaffel and the Fliegenklatschen.

Kaiser Wilhelm, Otto von Bismarck, Adolf Hitler, and Frank Steindong controlled this thing.

## Formation

Before the Burgewehr, there was the *Gewehrmacht*, which was the First Reich Armed Forces for over a thousand years. Napoleon Bonapart was the highest commander of the Gewehrmacht until the First Reich fell.

The Burgewehr was formed when Kaiser Wilhelm became the emperor of Germany. The Sturmbull, Luftwaffel, and Wasserbrotwurst were formed under Kaiser's rule.

### The Name

Its name was the Gewehrmacht until burgers were invented during the Second Reich. Kaiser Wilhelm felt the need to change the name of the Gewehrmacht to tell that the Germans were moving forward, but he couldn't think of a name, and he hated the names suggested to him by his lower men. But then, he ate a cheeseburger for the first time, and he got the idea to rename the Gewehrmacht to the Burgewehr.

The name of the Sturmbull also comes from the fact that burgers are made with beef patties. The name of the Luftwaffel came from the fact that waffles were Germany's second favorite food. The name of the Wasserbrotwurst came from one of Kaiser's guys when he said that ships were like water hotdogs and Kaiser was like, "Yes. Yes. Yes."

## Battle Philosophy

Ever since the Gewehrmacht, the German warriors believed in Blitzkrieg and "Mach es Selbst," which most times got them killed quick, but their enemies got killed faster, so it was a good trade. This original philosophy wasn't taught in Kriegschule until the formation of the Burgewehr.

Blitzkrieg and Mach es Selbst were taught in Kriegschule when Burgewehr was formed. It taught the idea of a lightning-fast war and individual action and power, and that Blitzkrieg was possible if du just "Mach es Selbst (Do it Yourself)." This also led to the new motto of "Du Musst es Tun! (You Have to Do it!)," which is to inspire average soldiers to do the unordinary which just might bring them to victory. Nowadays, "Du Musst es Tun" is used as a way to make fun of soldiers for doing stupid stuff during a war or stupid people doing stupid things that will get them on the Darwin Awards.

### Examples of German Du Musst es Tun!

#### World War I

* A few German soldiers rolled a giant boulder into a trench of some French soldiers, which allowed a breakthrough to occur moreover.
* A German soldier opened the hatch of a Mark V tank, and a piece of lead found his chest.
* A German soldier once threw an artillery shell at an approaching American soldier which broke the American's foot.

#### World War II

* A Nazi general went on the battlefield with only his Mauser and was shot immediately.
* A crew of German soldiers took an abandoned T-34 and turned it against the Russians. They got blown up by a fellow Tiger.
* A few German soldiers stole a bunch of grenades and lobbed all of them across a no-man's land, blowing up a bunch of Russians.
* A Stuka pilot suicided himself into a Churchill, but he forgot to drop the bomb, so it did nothing, somehow.

## Sturmbull

The Sturmbull was the ground army of Germany. They used the best guns and have the hardest training because this was the most powerful branch in the Burgewehr. Joseph Goebbels controlled this branch during Nazi Germany because he was a guy who was tough on failure and Hitler liked that because it meant that the soldiers would never fail, or, if they did fail, they would kill themselves before the enemy could get anything out of them. Well, kill pills were expensive so soldiers who were captured usually got tortured until they gave up information, or in the Russians case, continued the torture 'til they die. This branch gave the most information away to the enemy, which is partly why the Russians' Race to Berlin was so successful.

## Luftwaffel

The Luftwaffel was the air force of Germany. They did many things like, scouting in the first jet plane, support the Sturmbull with bombs and such, and firebombing and carpet-bombing civilians. Hermann Göring would authorize all of that stuff, which is why Hitler liked him, he knew that war crimes got in the way of things, so he just ignored them and told his pilots to commit them anyway. Training wasn't exactly tough on failure, so this was the branch with the most training fatalities in the world. Pilots also barely knew how to drop bombs accurately or aim their rockets correctly, just leading to more war crimes.

## Wasserbrotwurst

The Wasserbrotwurst was the navy of Germany. Yeah, who cares, these guys never got into any big navy battles during WWII. The most notable thing was still the use of unrestricted Unterboat warfare, blowing up a bunch of British Dreadnoughts and troop carriers. This branch only fought against the French and British with their big ships and just submarines and bombardment against the Americans. Günter Gobstopper would be the leader of this branch just because he was a spy during WWI and Hitler thought that was cool and he deserved to be the guy who ran the navy. Gobstopper didn't know anything about battleship training and neither did Hitler, so he went to England to train in Her Majesty's Tea Sailors so he could return to train future navy with good knowledge.

## The Schutzstaffel

The Schutzstaffel was the not-so-secret service of Nazi Germany. They did many special things that the normal Burgewehr distinctions couldn't like executing Communists and partisans in propaganda films. These guys were the best trained soldiers of Nazi Germany and were fiercely loyal to the Nazi Party, especially Adolf Hitler. They looked up to him like a god, or something like that. These guys were paid with the main stash of the hard drug Aryan Spirit. They consumed half of the 10 million tons of that stuff that was contained in a vault in the Herrbunker.

When it came to war time, these guys got the hardest missions because they're supposed to be the invincible Germans. Every single soldier and member of the Schutzstaffel was killed in the first few battles they had to participate in. This is because Hitler was given the wrong population information by Himmler every time a battle was going to happen. Himmler hadn't told Hitler that the Schutzstaffel was really understaffed, the only officers being Felix Steiner and Hans Krabs, and only 10,666 soldiers out of the expected 144,888. So, when the first assault of the **≶≶** happened on Russian soil, 5,432 soldiers died. The second mission for the **≶≶** gained 3,294 deaths. And the last mission for the **≶≶** killed all the soldiers. Hitler found out in his Herrbunker when Hans Krabs told him that Steiner had no more **≶≶** soldiers. Hitler got super angry and the next week he had that rap battle and put a Walther to his brain.

## The Fliegenklatschen

The Fliegenklatschen was the super-secret service of Natchdong Germany that only took orders from Frank Steindong. It was used to commit genocide on certain populations in Germany and other parts of Europe. The main goal was to remove all Communists, and the secondary was to swat away religious influence on the culture by force (primarily Muslims because terrorism or something, and Christians because they were the biggest group). They had to convert to the religion of party leader worship, or die.

This group would be dissolved when the Burgewehr was reformed into the Bundesburger.