Christmas Porno 5

The 5th Christmas Porno, titled "**It's a Blinkin' Life**", is the 5th short story by Rocky Flintstone following the Christmassy escapades of his protagonist, Belinda Blumenthal.

This particular Christmas Porno is the longest of its kind, and was thus split into two parts for the podcast adaptation. It's based on the classic 1946 Christmas movie "It's a Wonderful Life". In the film, the main character commits suicide on Christmas Eve, but is rescued by his guardian angel, who teaches him the value he has by showing him what life would be like for his loved ones and his community if he had never existed.

Compared to the rest of the Belinda Blinked works, it's quite an ambitious project, not just because of its length, but because Rocky Flintstone brings back an unprecedented number of past characters, describes fertility issues and suicide, and for the first time he introduces the idea of alternate realities and timelines into the story (given that he often has trouble sticking to even one timeline in the books, this went about as well as you'd expect). As it is mostly set in an alternate universe in which Belinda never existed, it is the only confirmed Christmas Porno to exist outside of the events of the books.

In summary, the chapter is a love letter from Rocky to his characters, the world he has created, and most especially to Belinda Blumenthal, and the positive effect she's had on the world.

## Characters, in order of appearance

### Part 1

* Belinda Blumenthal
* Sir James Godwin (mentioned)
* James Spooner (as a ghost)
* Paddy
* Bisch (mentioned)
* Peter Rouse
* Christina Rouse
* Bella Ridley
* George Sylvester (mentioned)
* Giselle Sylvester (mentioned)
* Des Martin
* Ken Dewsbury
* Benny Ridley
* Gloria Ridley
* Arty Ridley
* Dr Veronica Stud

### Part 2

* Belinda Blumenthal
* James Spooner (as a ghost)
* Bella Ridley (as a corpse)
* Dr Veronica Stud
* The Duchess
* Duke Clarence
* Buster Broomfinger (not seen)
* Giselle Sylvester (mentioned)
* Tony Sylvester (mentioned)
* Jane (mentioned)
* Des Martin

## Story

### Part 1

Belinda is driving, in an area described as being both near Heathrow Airport and 'ruralish'. She is working herself into a state, wracked with guilt at having stolen 2 printer cartridges from Steele's to print off her Christmas newsletter. Overcome with guilt at last, she wishes she had never been born, and drives her car into the Longford River, in an attempt to drown herself.

Thankfully, she is rescued, by someone who reaches into the water and pulls her out by her nipples. She is shocked to see that her rescuer is none other than James Spooner, her murdered ex-colleague, dressed as an angel and riding atop a lyre. He is, however, wingless, and he explains that an angel can only get their wings when someone on Earth ejaculates.

Belinda realises she must be dead, which is why she can see James' spirit, but James tells her that, while not being alive anymore, she is not truly dead either. He asks her to climb onto his lyre behind him and strum a D chord.

When she does so, the lyre takes off, flying up through the clouds and into the upper atmosphere. It descends, and lands in the carpark of the Pentra hotel (a journey which would've been, at most, 500 metres as the crow flies). They dismount and go inside.

Belinda greets Paddy the bartender, but for some reason he doesn't recognise her at all. She tries to jog his memory by saying she works at Steele's Pots and Pans, the office building just down the road, at which point Paddy says that's impossible, since Steele's was absorbed into Bisch Herstellung 5 years ago. (However, if Belinda is seeing an alternate reality where she doesn't exist, why would events from 5 years ago have changed, before she even started working at Steele's? It's possible that James has taken Belinda 5 years into the future, a la "Christmas Future" from *A Christmas Carol*.)

Belinda doesn't understand what he's talking about, and so whips off her blouse and bra, baring her breasts at him, confident that if he doesn't remember her, he will at least remember her magnificent breasts. However, in a shocking moment of realism, Paddy angrily tells her he won't have that kind of behaviour in his establishment, and bans her from his bar.

Next, James drives her to the carpark of Steele's Pots and Pans, or rather, where it should've been: it's gone, and in its place is a massive crater, left over from the bombing attack of George and Giselle Sylvester (which begs the question, why did Bisch order Steele's to be bombed if he'd already been running it for five years at that point? It's unclear whether James is showing Belinda different realities, and one single alternate timeline).

Belinda expresses horror at the destruction of the carpark, but relief that everyone made it out alright. James hints that not everyone actually survived. The scenery around them melts away and reforms into a hospital corridor (which raises yet more questions about how this lyre gets around. Why did they climb into the stratosphere to get to the Pentra if they can apparently teleport?).

They find themselves in a corridor outside the fertility ward, and Spooner realises he's messed up his bearings and has landed on the wrong floor. Just before they can take off again, however, Belinda stops him, as she has just spotted some familiar faces sitting nearby.

She wanders over to Peter and Christina Rouse, who are looking upset. Realising that in this alternate reality they don't know her, Belinda (very invasively) asks them what's wrong. The Rouses explain that they are unable to have a child because Peter can't get an erection. Belinda asks if she can try an idea that may be able to fix the situation, and they implore her to do anything that might help.

Belinda lifts up her skirt and flashes her naked vag to Peter, who almost instantly feels an erection brewing (implying that whatever mental or physiological issue he had can be cured by looking into Belinda's muff). Belinda takes his penis out of his trousers and starts wanking him off, in the hospital corridor, in front of his wife.

Very quickly, Peter is about to cum, and Belinda asks Christina for her purse. Christina hands over the Christmas pudding-shapes purse, and Belinda holds the purse to catch Peter's massive orgasm, which fills the purse (and ruins whatever Christina was carrying in there). Her work done, Belinda gets back on the lyre with James, and they travel up to the floor James was originally aiming for: the coma ward.

In a bed, unconscious, lies Bella Ridley. Her family and some of the RSM's are sitting around her in silence, but no-one looks hopeful. As Belinda watches, Dr Veronica Stud enters the ward, and without a word of warning or goodbye, switches off Bella's life-support.

Bella is dead.

### Part 2

Belinda begs Spooner to help Bella, but he reminds her that she wished she had never been born, which means she wasn't there to help Bella recover.

Distraught, Belinda asks to see the Duchess, and Spooner takes her to an unnamed suburban street, and they stop outside number 69. Belinda asks him why they aren't at Epsom Hall, and Spooner explains that after Bisch Herstellung took over Steele's Pots and Pans, Steele's became the laughing stock of the crockery world. The Duchess was fired from her position as the head of MI6 for not stopping it, Clarence divorced her, and she was left penniless and homeless. Although no longer in quite so much trouble, the Duchess is now apparently trapped in a loveless, and more importantly, sexless marriage with a man named Buster Broomfinger.

Looking through the window, Belinda sees the Duchess drunk and passed out on a couch, in front of trashy talk show, dressed in comfy activewear and a tiara made of twigs. Belinda then knocks on the front door, which is opened by the Duchess. Aware that the Duchess doesn't know her in this timeline, Belinda greets the Duchess as "Old woman", but the Duchess doesn't seem to notice, and thinks Belinda is a carol singer. She requests an old French carol, translated into English as "Whence is that Goodly Frangrance?", but she requests it be sung in French.

Belinda clears the misunderstanding, and pulls a sprig of mistletoe out of her anus (which just sounds painful tbh), which she has apparently been carrying around with her this entire time. (This also means that Belinda committed suicide with a sprig of mistletoe up her ass. What a nice surprise for the coroners). She holds the mistletoe over them both, and kisses the Duchess. The Duchess is so taken with Belinda they head inside to the living room and have sex.

After they're done, the sound of footsteps sound upstairs, heralding the imminent descent of Buster Broomfinger. The Duchess implores Belinda to leave before he sees her, so she skedaddles.

Outside in the street, Belinda reflects on all that James has shown her, and comes to the realisation that does in fact love her life, and she wants it back. Without saying goodbye to James, she is then resurrected off-screen.

Back in her real life, she is having sex with Des Martin (the location is unclear, but it seems that they're at Belinda's central London apartment, since he's delivered her turkey). As he cums all over her, she looks up towards the sky, and remembers Spooner's words about an angel getting their wings when someone cums. She thinks "Attaboy, Spoons", the implication being that Des Martin's ejaculation has at last given Spooner his wings.