Episode 44: The Story of Lola

* Lots of coffee talk, including John’s dad’s opinions on flavored coffee.
	+ Merlin examines 7/11 coffee like a crazy person.
	+ John can drink an entire pot of coffee in a day (10 cups).
	+ Merlin describes his Irish breakfast from his Sunday daughter-daddy lunch.
		- He doesn’t like their silverware, doesn’t like their coffee, doesn’t like their water. They show up with a lot of their own stuff.
* 15:30- John plays Santa for a burlesque (they’ve mixed burlesque with elivshness) Christmas in Seattle.
	+ Tattooed chunky girls with pointy airs. They are John’s dirty little elves.
	+ As a result, he can identify with Christmas porn.
	+ They help the indie-rock crowd gather the courage to come sit on his lap.
		- And tend to want spankings.
	+ “Talk about a North Pole.” -MM
	+ Portland v. Seattle stripper and burlesque scenes.
		- John’s survey of the strippers in Portland is incomplete.
		- 26:20- Alaskan strip clubs:
			* The doorman was just there to keep the Russians out.
			* Alaska got strippers from all around the world, and all of the money was in the hands of oil men without high school educations.
			* “There’s no $20 bill that’s going to impress a lady as much as kicking some guy’s ass.” -MM
			* Coming from Alaska, going to parties required some adjusting.
			* “I am a legitimate, old-school pussy.” -MM
* 37:00- The story of Lola
	+ John is 16 at the strip club and gets a table and a chair at the front. Everyone is calling for a girl named Lola.
	+ He’s drinking Mickey’s Big Mouths, a fortified beverage. John pees in the Mickey’s bottle to avoid getting up and going to the restroom.
		- “I can’t say whether I’m the only guy with his dick out in the bar, but I’m definitely the only one peeing in a Mickey’s bottle, that I can see. And I’m trying to pull it off.” -JR
	+ Lola comes out to dance, and John puts the bottle on the bar. This is the mistake.
		- A drunk Navy sailor asks if that’s John’s beer. “Nope."
		- “He kinda looks around, and sorta sly, grabs it. And it is steaming hot. And takes a big draft off of it. And Kel goes, ‘That’s it, we’re out of here!’"
			* “Just between dudes, that’s pee.” What John did not to say to the sailor.
* John and Merlin go to a strip club together.
	+ Merlin felt like a homemade pussy.
* John collects beer steins.
* Chili
	+ John makes a bunch of vegetarian chili with hamburger. Sometimes while wearing clothes. Sometimes only an apron. Sometimes just the Santa beard.
	+ John buys vegetarian chili, confident that the chances of there being any hate in the can are very small.
		- “Do you buy anything more masculine to offset the appearance that you’re a giant faggot?” -MM
			* “No, because I don’t care what people in supermarkets think."
* Merlin: If you need to pee, never grab smaller than a liter.
* Kashmir:
	+ John suspects the Chinese of trying to move the fence anywhere the border touches.
	+ Coca-Cola can solve this with Dasani water.
* When they wrap up Merlin’s going to pee and measure it.
	+ And he wants to compare with John.
* 1:15:35: “I used to live in a warehouse loft that I kept meaning to put a bathroom in.” -JR
	+ He lived there for 4 years.
	+ He would pee in gallon jugs and sometimes get 3 or 4 full under his bed at the same time.
	+ And he lived behind a police station.
		- He would throw his ammonia pee out the window and against the police station.
			* He could wind up so he was really hucking it. Someone must have seen it.
* Merlin and his daughter asked the police about their shotguns.