A Bizarre Honor

**Dit is een ode aan Araki Hirohiko en Harvey Smith.**

**Voorgedragen door RonJontje Snowson**

It was a beautiful day in Morioh. The sky was a gorgeous radiant yellow. In the midst of all this peace, the sky suddenly parted and a portal as blue as the sky should have been appeared. Out came falling a beautiful coat with a lady of obvious noble upbringing in it. She didn’t yell, like lame women would’ve. She was cool. And collected.

But also nervous. Last night, the infamous entity known as the Outsider had visited her in her dreams. He had noticed that the man of her dreams was not present in her life!

“My dear Emily. What a boring life you lead. I give my mark sparingly and I rarely pick favourites, but if I look at your soggy performance in life I can’t say I’m intrigued. Allow me to let you in on something. I found a man on Tsindere with a profile as quiet and boring as your life. Spark my interest. Date him.”

She couldn’t care less about men. As an empress, lovers are but a lousy nuisance.  However, the picture the Outsider showed her on his phone made her heart fluster, and not just her mother’s heart! He was a cutie with eyes to drown in!!! He looked like a real gentleman. She had seen many men in her life so far but none ever had a face so refined and uneroded like his. This would be an interesting date! She nodded yes and the Outsider returned her to her world.

Or so she thought? The world opening beneath her was nothing like the Empire she knew, loved and owned. It wasn’t grim and soggy, but vibrant and colourful. Bizarrely colourful even. She could see green streets with orange pavements running through a small town. Weird, she thought, and deployed her parachute. She descended with the grace of an Empress like her father taught her. Down below, a convertible was speeding along ready to catch her imperial majesty.

“Thank you, Meagan.” The beautiful black-haired empress with the eyes of her father said as she gracefully landed in the backseat. “I can’t believe you know how to drive a separate universe car!” “Thanks m’lady, I’m a fast learner”, she grinned. “Onwards to your date!”

He gently kissed his girlfriend as they woke up. He asked her softly if she had a wonderful nights rest and she nodded sleepily. He gave her another kiss and went for a shower. As the water collided with his beautiful ripped torso which shouldn’t be ripped because he’s a fucking office employee, he shivered thinking about the rancid morning breath his girlfriend radiated just now. It might be time to terminate our relationship, he thought coldly under a warm shower. He finished his shower and found his girlfriend still in bed. “Shall we make breakfast then, my love?” She agreed and went to the kitchen to prepare a wonderful balanced breakfast together for optimal nutrients to start the day. She embraced him lovingly as he spiced the eggs with just the minimal amount of salt and pepper. Over breakfast, though, he had to bring her the devastating news that would end their time together. The news hit her like a bomb. He instantly dismissed her complaints and surprise and she was gone from his life in the blink of an eye.

Kira Yoshikage had no time to deal with his bothersome ex, for he had a date today with a new girl he met on Tsindere. Such lovely hands she showed on that picture. One of them was all dressed up, such grace! He had fantasised all night about undressing that hand and lovingly caressing it. He hated dates, but it was a tedious necessity if he were to make his sweet dreams come true! He got into his car and drove to the booming center of Morioh.

Swanson was loudly playing sick tunes on his saxophone in the coffee shop. His mannly moustache was vibrating wildly to the music and his sunglasses let everyone know that he was a really cool man! He observed the lady with the fine clothes as she sat down at the table and ordered a whiskey and cigars. What a cool gal, he thought. The man she’s waiting for must be a lucky guy.

A few minutes later the lucky guy arrived. He looked rather focused on her pretty hands with long slender fingers as he entered the place. He went over to her table and introduced himself. Swanson turned his attention to his own sick beats and enjoyed himself once again.

“So mr. Kira,” Emily said with a smirk, “shall we gather for whiskey and cigars?”

“I don’t smoke,” Kira replied, “but I occasionally drink.”

Emily reluctantly took this as a sign to order another whiskey for her date.

“Sorry, that’s just an expression where I come from.” she replied, noticing that that comment flew over his head.

“Ah, where is it you come from?” he asked politely.

“I’m from Dunwall, the capital of Gristol.”

“Ah okay,” he said absentmindedly.

“…You know? The capital? Of the Empire of the Isles?”

“No, never heard of it.”

“Oh. Pardon me but where are we now? What is this town?”

“This is the beautiful city of Morioh,” Kira replied with passion in his eyes. “Morioh was originally a resort filled with villas belonging to the samurai. My ancestors were among them. Unfortunately, we came on hard times during my grandfathers’ life. The house I live in is all that remains of our heritage. I’m stuck working a boring office job to support myself.”

“Aaaaah, right...” Emily nodded. She was pretty sure he meant Morley but she was growing increasingly weary of this confusing and desultory conversation. What a bizarre start of a date.

“I was in St. Gentlemen the other day,” Kira said out of nowhere, “I wanted to buy my usual katsu sandwich. Those sandwiches are freshly baked at 11:00 AM, which makes them very popular! By 1:00 PM, they’re almost completely sold out, so you got to be early.”

“What’s a katsu sandwich?” Emily asked politely, trying to appear interested. This felt like a pointless court audience.

“It’s a delicious sandwich. As I went over to get the last katsu sandwich, I saw a man touch it, squeeze it, and put it back. The man had a thick trimmed moustache and he was middle-aged. He yelled “EATS!”, whatever that means. I was horrified by the way he had handled the delicious fresh sandwich that I wanted for lunch. A katsu sandwich should be handled with care until consumption, don’t you agree?”

“Yes, of course.” She replied after noticing three seconds of silence had passed. By the Outsider, what a terrible date, she thought. This is what you get when you use Tsindere, you get what you get and it is what it is. Even a cute face like his can’t make me sit through this much bullshit. I think I’m gonna bail.

Under the table her mark began to burn and she focused her eyes on the street.

“So what do you like to do in your spare time, Emily?” Kira asked. He looked up and saw his date suddenly look much more enthusiastic. Oh, I should have asked about her earlier, apparently. This woman seems to like that, he thought.

“I like cooking, fixing beautiful suits, doing make-up, that sorta stuff! Haha!”, she cackled.

Kira’s face lit up “Make-up? Like what?” His interest just got peaked. “What kind of nailpolish do you use?”

Oh shit, what did I say now, he thought with sheer terror. I shouldn’t focus on the hands but on that person. But Emily seemed completely unaware of any awkwardness. “I use Tyvian Clearest! It fits with my feminine personality so much haha!” she laughed stupidly.

Across the street, Emily was observing her clone from the shadows. She smiled to herself. Of all the gifts the Outsider had bestowed upon her, Doppelganger probably was her favourite. She often abused her clone trick to escape imperial responsibilities but she’s always wanted to use it on a date. My god and what a great moment to test it out! She was gonna give the Outsider an earful when she got back from wherever the hell she was. Where the hell was she even? She sat down leaning against a car. From what she understood from Kira’s rambling, she parachuted into Morley, so a whaling ship would be the way home.

And yet… She had never seen such strange skies and colours. She never felt this far away from home. If she weren’t so cool she would’ve shed many tears right now. But this was not the time. Currently she was far too amused watching her poor clone dealing with that weirdo.

Oh, it looked like they got up from their seats! He courteously kissed her hand, the marked one! Preposterous! If she would’ve been in her own shoes, she’d have knocked him flat! But her clone seemed mesmerized by this creepy move. Huh, how quaint.

Hmm, Swanson thought. He didn’t think much else.

Now that I’m no longer in control, the date seemed to have taken a positive turn! Emily laughed to herself. I should let my clone run everything! Let’s see what kind of creep this man really is. She saw the lovebirds take off in Kira’s car and she followed them over the rooftops using Far Reach.  As they reached the Kira residence, Emily hid under the bushes, using her father’s famous Break-Your-Spine-To-Hide-Under-A-Table-Technique.  She had a perfect view of Kira’s living room. Nice house, she thought, at least he’s doing well for himself. She saw the couple enter the living room and sit at a table. Well, colour me unimpressed, she thought, and here I hoped to see some freaky shit or something, she pouted.

This charade has gone on long enough, Kira thought, “I finally got you where I want you,” he mumbled. The clone looked up confused.

“What did you say?” she asked.

“You look so beautiful and soft, may I hold you?”he asked, staring seductively at her hand, “Yes? Ah, that’s good… I knew we felt the same, my love,” he said romantically and quickly pressed his lips on her hand and began to make out with it intensely. Japanese letters appeared in the air spelling rerorerorerorerorero.

“What the flying fuck!” the clone yelled in disgust.

He lustfully ripped the cloth off her hand like a lion would tear the head off an impala, which overpopulate the savannah anyway.

“Ewwww don’t touch me, you disgusting animal! Let go of me! I am the empress!” Emily’s clone screamed, trying to pull her hand free from his grip.

“Sorry about the noise my love, I’ll silence her.” he whispered to his beloved hand, as he kissed her palm, while her nails tried to scratch his eyes out.

He put his date down and looked straight into the clones’ eyes. His eyes turned a bloody red--

“KILLER QUEEN!”

Emily stared at the horrifying scene in utter shock. A large muscular pink naked man with a cat head and a miniskirt appeared out of nowhere and took hold of her clones arm with a firm grip, preventing her from escaping. Her eyes were blinded by the blast that filled the room. By the Outsider, what’s going on! As her geniculate pathway recovered from the almost explosive overstimulation, she once again peered through the window. Kira was now holding only the hand and kissing it lovingly. He looked so serene and content.

Emily’s mind was racing. Who IS this man! Is he an agent of the Outsider too? What was that large muscular pink naked man with a cat head and a miniskirt? Could he know about my affiliation to the Void? He seems only interested in my marked hand. I can’t let this guy get away! If my secret comes to light I should be so dismayed… I have to inquire the finer details of this man’s soul with my mother!

Emily ended her long train of thought, grabbing her mums heart, imbued with gears and sharp barbed wire and pointed it at her date. Her mother spoke to her in a serene voice. “The city lost many lives to this man. Though he looks ordinary, there’s nothing but murder on his mind. He  lives by strict personal rules and must have all things in order. But he derives his greatest pleasure from romancing the severed hands of his victims. ew… “

Romancing with severed hands? Emily thought. Well, I can’t blame him. My hand-game is on point. They are very hand-some HA. But he doesn’t seem to know about the mark after all. My secret should be safe. On the other hand, he seems dangerous. I better bust a move and get to the port!

“Now that we’re finally alone, let’s make the most of this special evening, my dear Emily”. Kira said lovingly. He turned his date over and examined her back.  “Huh. My passion earlier made me oversee your intriguing tattoo, Emily. Did you get that for me? That’s lovely my dear.  I’ve never had a serious relationship with a punk before. But I can overlook this minor flaw. This should prove to be an interesting relationship, my Emily. Every time you want to go somewhere, I’ll be by your side,” he whispered as he caressed her. “Let me kiss you once more.”

Emily responded by going up in a puff of white smoke.

“NANIIIIIIIIIIIIII?!” HE SCREAMED

This must be the work of an enemy stand! He looked around bewildered and saw something move in the corner of his eye. He saw a figure leaping over his neighbours roof. Immediately he ran for his car and with a mighty roar of his engine he gave chase.

Meanwhile Emily leaped from roof to roof. The architecture of Morley was something she wasn’t familiar with at all. The houses were oriental in nature, small and quite old, and yet so clean compared to her home city. Weird. But the gentle quiet was disturbed by the sound of screeching tires behind her. A familiar white car was coming in fast! Crap on a stick, he must have seen me, there goes my ghost rating…

She ran faster, Far Reaching from roof to roof trying to shake her pursuer. But Kira was fast, his boring daytime job allowed him to invest in a rather impressive speedwagon. He had almost no trouble keeping up with her. He managed not to lose sight of her until they reached the ‘arbour.

There she was, standin’ on the edge of the ‘arbour. She looked surprisingly fit for someone who outran a car in such expensive imperial garb.

Kira exited his car menacingly.