236: I've Met Fate Many Time!

## Summary

The party conduct their search of the forest with Mo leading the way, and before long he picks up a badger's trail. The lizardfolk follows his nose (undeterred by Will and Batthwack's impromptu wrestling match, Gwen's revelation that she's never killed anyone before Crumplemeyer, and Raphina's tea making) to a hole in the ground. Upon entering, they discover the lair of the Very Virile Badger, who explains that he will shortly begin uncontrollably spawning badgers, and as such it is the party's job to kill him before the land is overrun.

## Synopsis

Roger's home goes out of view as the party make their way further into the forest, and they find themselves alone in the woods once again. They begin walking through the forest in silence, looking everywhere for signs of badgers, Mo furiously leading the way and sniffing the air. Gwen looks round at Batthwack, who's still short, and asks if he wants to be carried. He firmly, but politely declines. *"Absolutely not. Thank you though."* Gwen asks if Raphina wants to be carried, but she says she was going to offer to carry Batthwack.

Considering how much harder it must be for Batthwack's shorter legs, Raphina offers everyone some general advice for navigating the woods, which is to walk like a penguin on ice. Mo says he's heard of a penguin god, somewhere far away in a cold part of the land. Batthwack asks if that's a god like the Luminescent Lobster of Love, noting that they haven't met them yet. Mo says he's never met them either, but he still worships them. Gwen is shocked, but Mo explains *"That is faith."*

Mo continues to lead the way through the woods and Will scans the forest, wondering if that strange high-pitched sound he can hear is bird song. He's definitely not at home in the forest. It strikes Batthwack how unusual that sound is after such a long time in Barovia, which seemed to only be populated by bats, rats and wolves. Suddenly, Mo jumps up excitedly, calling out to the rest of the group that he's found some tracks that could be a badger's! He tells them to follow him and Will questions if they're really all needed for this, hoping that he might be excused from badger tracking, but Mo says they should all stick together.

Wondering if perhaps there's an easier way to do this, Will asks if anyone has one of those carried chairs, but then points out that Batthwack is too small to help carry it. Gwen says they really need to talk about Batthwack's situation. Batthwack clearly doesn't feel any different and to prove it he says he could still pick Will up despite his smaller stature. Clearly suspecting a case of small man syndrome, Will goads Batthwack, *"Come on! Come and get me!"* and begins dancing around in front of him. Batthwack doesn't look amused by this; his face is dead serious. He has something to prove. They circle round each other for what feels like slightly too long, Will hopping from side to side as they try to predict each other's movements. Eventually Batthwack manages to get a grip on one of Will's feet and locks on with an iron grip. He turns and falls onto his back, pushing up with his palm and boosting Will into the air. For a brief second Will feels as though he's floating, before gravity takes over and he crashes down on top of Batthwack.

Lying on the ground, Batthwack feels very relieved. He knows that with a willing participant, that would have been easy. Will jumps straight up to his feet, confused at how strong Batthwack still seems to be. Batthwack says it must be magic and smiles. Gwen says they should be careful then. *"Oh, yeah! He killed someone."* says Mo, then remembers that he himself has also killed lots of people. On hearing this from Mo, Gwen seems a little shocked and Will glances at her. Mo asks how many people she's killed and she's answers hesitantly, revealing that Merrick Crumplemeyer was the first person she's killed, though she's quick to point out that he deserved it.

Both Will and Batthwack find Gwen's revelation hard to believe, and Will especially is amazed that he may have witnessed somebody's first kill. He needles her about it, asking what motivated her. Gwen tries to explain, saying that he was really bad guy who had a whole town under his thumb. Will points out that she didn't seem too upset about it at the time. Presumably speaking from personal experience, he says *"I mean, I know when I first saw that, that wasn't pleasant."* Raphina tells Will to stop bothering Gwen and threatens to make him some tea if he misbehaves. Gwen explains that she's witnessed death before; her brother and family having been in battles. Will argues that it's not the same thing at all and then starts strolling off, leading Mo away, saying *"Hey, forest, watch out! Here come a bunch of royalty people!"*

Gwen sighs and calls after Will, reminding him that she's not royal. In fact they're the ones wearing crowns. Will says he can't see a crown (because he's still keeping it invisible), and struts up and down making royal fanfare noises. Mo tells him that's really not how you go about finding a badger and his tooting noises won't work as a badger flute. To everyone's total lack of surprise, Raphina claims she had a badger flute, but it got lost in the river.

Mo really seems to have picked up the scent now and Will asks what it is he's smelling, even though if he's honest, he really doesn't want to know. Gwen explains that every creature has their own unique smell and that even the members of the party smell very different from each other. Batthwack admits that he'd misunderstood and didn't realise the badger was actually going in the stew, saying *"I thought the badger was gonna ceremonially stir the stew or something."* *"Are you going to be upset that we killed the badger because you're a vegetarian?"* asks Will. Batthwack says no, so Will doesn't understand why he's vegetarian. Batthwack hesitates to answer and Raphina points out that he ate fish tacos and sausage, but Batthwack reminds everyone that he did refuse the sausage. He explains that he just likes the taste of things that aren't meat, and he likes fish. He says if push came to shove and he was really hungry, he'd eat badger.

Intrigued by this, Mo asks if Batthwack likes to eat human, and Batthwack ponders the question, saying *"I've never tried it,"* as he glances at Will, wondering if this is making him uncomfortable. Will, as the only human in the group, takes this totally the wrong way. *"Apparently, three people here think it would be okay to eat me."* Then he realises he can't rule out Raphina either, but she's busy trying to concentrate on collecting leaves to make tea with and is doing her best to ignore the conversation. She's carefully picking only the leaves from the badger footprints, and tells them that drinking it will help them track the creature. Mo asks if they should wait for the tea to be ready, but Will is less convinced and tells him they need to hurry up if they want to find the last ingredient before the end of the day.

Suddenly remembering what they're doing, Will finds himself doubting why they're here at all and just as he's beginning to wind himself up into a frenzy about how awful the forest is, Mo stops him. *"Will! Will! I have good news. I find hole in ground! It's where badger is!"* Knowing that Will wants to get this over and done with, Mo suggests he go in first, but unsurprisingly Will's not keen. The hole looks just about big enough for Mo, Gwen and Will to squeeze in. It slopes down into darkness so it's not easy to see what's inside or how far it goes. Raphina suggests Batthwack go first. *"It's time for you to show your quality,"* she says. Batthwack is initially hesitant, but he agrees. His *Robe of Eyes* gives him dark vision, but Gwen also casts *Light* on his sword to act as a torch for everyone else and a warm, pinkish glow emanates from the blade. It dawns on Will that he never thought to cast *Light* on someone else's stuff.

As he waddles down into the hole, Batthwack's pink glow slowly disappears. Once he's through the opening, he finds it doesn't descend very far before quickly opening up into more of a passageway. Will *Message*s him to check he's ok and Batthwack, wondering how best to convince Will to hurry up and get in, replies *"They're everywhere!!"* Shocked, Will relays this to the rest of the group and Mo immediately dives in head first. Will *Message*s back *"Batthwack, we're coming!"* and Raphina slides in, grabbing Will by the calf and pulling him down into the tunnel behind her. He immediately adopts a luge position to try and avoid touching anything. Gwen decides she might as well follow and climbs in behind them too.

They all find themselves inside the earthen tunnel. Raphina and Batthwack are fine, but the others have to hunch over slightly in order to fit. Gwen tells Will he's got a bit of dirt on him and he begins to compulsively *Prestidigitate* himself clean. Mo asks Batthwack where all the badgers are and Batthwack explains that he only says that to motivate Will. Raphina points out how Will ran straight towards the danger. *"Yeah, I know. What is up with that?"* says Will.

They walk/waddle forward and find that the tunnel soon opens up into a large chamber. Will casts *Light* on his billy club too. It's a blue light, much harsher than Gwen's. There's a couple of short steps down in front of them and then about 30-40 feet in front of them, in the centre of the chamber, is a low stone platform/dais, upon which stands the most enormous badger they've ever seen. It's about 10 feet long, and is just motionless on all fours, it's eyes closed.

Gwen's dark vision allows her to see the back walls of the chamber. The space is about 50 or 60 feet across in either direction, perhaps a little wider than it is deep. She sees openings off to their right, but it's hard to tell if they lead anywhere or not. Will is leaning towards the badger, listening closely for sounds of breathing, when suddenly the badger's eyes open. Will freezes, reaching out behind him for whoever's there, and finds Batthwack's face. Will *Message*s him and says *"Its eyes opened!"*

*"Come forth ye who would visit me!"* says a slow, melodious voice. Gwen hesitantly says *"Do you live here?"* *"Yes I do. This is my lair"* replies the badger. Batthwack wonders to himself if this is some kind of god and Mo is getting very excited and agitated. Gwen asks the creature what its name is. The penny drops for Mo, who realises he knows who this is and can no longer contain his excitement, saying *"This... This is god! This is Very Virile Badger!"* *"He speaks true. I am the Very Virile Badger. Do you not seek an audience with me for a reason?"*

Steeling herself, Gwen goes closer. She introduces herself and tells the Very Virile Badger that they're here helping some people out and asks if he's heard of the Supreme Forager. They're surprised when he replies *"You need badger meat."* He tells them that this is the day when the Supreme Forager usually comes gathering meat. He says he's pleased that someone came, because he hasn't seen the Forager yet this year, which is a concern. *"I have not been here without anybody to help with my yearly spawning."* There's a pause as the party try to contain their internal screams. Batthwack takes a step back, finding that Will has already backed up behind him. Gwen's intrigued.

Raphina asks what usually happens and the Very Virile Badger explains that he spawns badgers at the same time every year. Gwen, falteringly, asks what they need to do to help get the badger meat. The Very Virile Badger says that soon there will be plenty of meat, explaining that without the Forager's help, the world would become overrun by badgers. *"The spawning will commence shortly and once it does, you must strike me down."* He says they must kill him, otherwise the spawning will not stop. The group are a little confused how this can happen every year if he gets killed. Will asks if it's him every year. *"I know that it is me now."* he replies. He says it is his purpose to spawn badgers, saying *"I am the origin of all badgers"* and tells them it is their purpose to kill him.

Unsurprisingly, this all seems to make sense to Raphina and Gwen feels that if a god wants her to kill it, then who is she to argue? Ever suspicious however, Will begins to wonder if someone could be manipulating this badger, and perhaps they'll get in hot water for killing it, but Mo says he's too simple for ideas like these. Will asks what would happen if they kill him before enough badgers have spawned, but the Very Virile Badger says *"Just do what you must to strike me down. Kill me as quickly as you can. You do not have to worry about too few badgers."* That about does it for Will, who begins to back out of the chamber. Before he can leave though, the Badger shouts *"Wait! It is starting! The spawning, it begins!"*

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Eric. After Raphina suggests walking like a penguin through the forest, Mo says he's heard of a penguin god, far away in a cold part of the land. Batthwack asks if it's like the Luminescent Lobster of Love, which they never met. Mo says he's never met them either, but he still worships them. Gwen is shocked, but Mo explains *"That is faith."* Raphina mishears. *"It is fate?"* Mo: *"Faith."* Raphina *"Oh, faith."* Mo: *"Fate? What is fate?"* Raphina: *"Fate is what happens to you when you're walking and you hit a tree."* Mo: *"OK. I've met fate many time."*
* After Gwen mentions that a lot of people died in the Pineapple Wars, Raphina asks her *"Are they of the Dole family?"* Abby was presumably making a reference to James Dole, the American industrialist who developed the pineapple industry in Hawaii and established the Hawaiian Pineapple Company (HAPCO), which was later reorganized to become the Dole Food Company and now operates in over 90 countries!

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured Eric doing a recap to the tune of the traditional song *Scarborough Fair* (famously sung by Simon & Garfunkel):

Are you going to take of my hair?

Pottery, bread, now it's story time

Remember ye the when and the where

They were royalty in their prime

They told her to make male dragonborn squirt

Pottery, bread, now it's story time

Without fighting nor making things hurt

She said she'll be no breeder of thine

They told him to fend off a goblin-y hoard

Pottery, bread, now it's story time

When facing his foe, he laid down his sword

'Twas exiled for his clement war crime

As ye have taken of my hair

Pottery, bread, now it's badger time

I pray ye find a den or a lair

The forager usually goes south-east, now bye!

## References

1. ↑ See Litter (vehicle) - Wikipedia
2. ↑ See episode 224: Pork Fried Dice: A Pay-To-Play Game
3. ↑ See episode 220: Turtles Are Highly Flammable
4. ↑ See episode 174: 37 YEARS!
5. ↑ See episode 225: The Dead Among You Have Nothing to Fear