Evil Wizard Satanists

"***The air is fresh and clean; birds can be heard in the treetops. In the distance I can see the grand castle of the capital city, a huge contrast to most of the nations in this banished world. I think I will settle down here once I am finished.*** ***From the North comes a mass of robed people, shuffling awkwardly and insecurely towards me as if afraid to touch or bump into the their fellow men. The leader of the mob, wielding a wand in one hand and a staff in the other, seems to be fueled by the burning rage of Satan himself and smelling of virginity.***" - The traveling explorer Garret Garretsson on his cartography quest, moments before being lynched and hung by his own intestines in an oak.

The Unholy Empire of the Evil Wizard Satanists is an order created by Harry Potter (Allegedly). They worship Satan everyday and spread propaganda to join the war. They share borders with United Skeletons and Failsnakopolis.

Evil Wizard Satanists are a major force in The Infernal Hell-Army of Freedom and Peace, and are playing a big part in the war. Although weapons are banned in Evil Wizard Satanists, they do use magic that they channel from the different devil lords, mainly Beelzebub the 1st.

## Banishment

As stating the obvious, Evil Wizard Satanists was banished from a land long past. Some say all the earthly witches and wizards during the earthly dark ages was collectively punished and thrown into a place where they would not make as much noise. They just made more noise, as now they were not only in hell, but **Supreme Death Hell.** Never the less, the regions full story is located in the legendary occult library of Hogwarts school of Satanic Arts, guarded by Ronny the Bear and the wretched Harmony (Wife of Harry Potter (allegedly)).

## Culture

Evil Wizard Satanists are known for their virgin sacrifice, beautiful lush forests and astounding architecture, such as the capital city of Hogwarts school of Satanic Art. The fact that they use virgin sacrifice as a currency seems like it would be horribly valuable and hard to get by, but the truth is that the wizards are all virgins. Infact, they have been virgins for so long that the genitals have grown away and what is left is a straw like tube which they use to dispose of piss with.

Wizards are actually not birthed out of a vagina or asshole like most things in Supreme Death Hell, as they have evolved from mammals to roots. The wizards are grown in large fields where you can see their pointy hats stick out. They are watered and fed every day with the blood of goats and virgins. One virgin can feed up to five new wizards with it's blood. When the wizard is mature they are then pulled out of the ground and laid on a stone slab where a devil shits into their open mouth, giving the child magical properties.

Although seeing this sounds fucking disgusting, the process isn't worse then watching a midget scat porno as the newborn, or "bloodborne", are actually just shrunk down wizards with the same proportions of a grown one. They start with some of the mentality and mindset of the virgin blood they have been fed, meaning that the smartest of the wizards usually sell their blood to wizard farmers who only wants the best crops.

Despite all of the blood sacrifices and shitting into mouths, the wizards are a sophisticated bunch of wrinkles and beards. They not only harbor the biggest occult library in the world, where famous pages from Garret Garretsson is archived among other work, they do occasionally visit the muggle theater, arena or camp.

In the theater they can watch wizards who grew up in the wild and missing their magic power act out their favorite murder scenes from shows such as "Romeo and Harry Potter" or "Jack and the Harry Potter" or "Harry Potter: The musical". Rotten tomatoes are sold on discount.

In the muggle arena they can watch muggles fight other muggles, wizards, trolls, goblins, lions, devils, warlocks, more wizards, mercenaries, skeletons, imprisoned helicopters, Russel Crow, ghosts and Harry Potter (Allegedly). Sometimes all of the above at the same time. The winner is rewarded with freedom (until captured again).

The Muggle Camp is a camp where muggles pay for their blessings by sinning violently.

### The five rules of wizardry.

1. Wizards don't use weapons, unless they are ultra evil and/or magic channeling.
2. Harry's word is law.
3. Every wizard is equal, and must do as he or she pleases, unless it goes against the second or the fourth law.
4. If you have been chosen for sacrifice, you must leave all your personal belongings to Harry Potter and take a bath.
5. If you spot anyone failing or you yourself fail to follow these laws, the wizard in question must be banished from all forms of magic and cast out of the society.

## Goblins and Dobby Dickkicker

Back in the not-as-dark ages, the Wizards found a race of small, short and mentally disabled green figures. In their tongue, they called themselves "Rakt' grash". The wizards discarded this and called them goblins instead. The goblins where exploited by the wizards for along time, being used as slaves, weight and firewood. However, after a group of rogue wizards set up a camp and called themselves the "darkside club", the wizards were pissed due to them stealing most of the wands and pentagrams. They also stole several bags of wizard seeds and devils. A group of five brave goblins, most notable is "*Dobby Dickkicker*", traversed into the mountains and killed them all using their stealth archery and wicked eye shanking skills. Official reports says that 22 of the rogue wizards were found with their pelvis shattered to dust. Dobby Dickkicker took the responsibility for this and was later elected leader of the goblin tribes. Thanks to this an alliance was set up between the wizards and goblins. As a sign of the never ending burning friendship they took the goblin tribes village fool, cursed it with immortality and set it on fire. This pact was called "Harry Potter and the Goblin on Fire".

As stated before, Goblins now play a big role in the culture of the wizards. A "goblin" is now a form of measuring weight with. A goblin is roughly 4.3 kg of weight. It is stated that a normal wizards tower weighs between 3000 goblins to 6000 goblins, depending of how many virgin sacrifices the wizard or witch harbors in his/hers haram. A great example when this term is used is during public executions. The most common execution method since wizards are not allowed to use sharp or steel weapons, they will use a guillotine. However the blade has been replaced with a **log**. ***A very blunt log***. And sometimes the log will have to be rigged over and over again due to it now killing the ~~victim~~ prisoner. The executioner will then place one goblin of weight unto the guillotine and try again. Two thirds of the time the persecutor is killed instantly, but sometimes it will take up to five or more times. The longest execution was the infamous muggle, Mouthfoil Slitherdick, who after mocking Harry Potter (Allegedly), and bragging about blowing up Hogwarts was executed for treason. His death took a total of ***63 times*** before finally his spine was pulverized. The ~~truth~~ word is that Harry Potter (Allegedly) used a spell to make the log lighter, however this is only speculations.

## Weapons

As stated, Wizards are not allowed to use weapons. The reason for this is somewhat unknown. Some claim that it does not flow correctly with magic, while the official report states that "It's not as fun". Due to this, wizards and witches rely on catalysts that channel their demonic powers. The most used are wands made out of the most evil of trees, or the bones of very evil creatures. A wand, once linked to the wizard, will connect with his/hers/its mind as a part of the wizard. Some wizards who have weaker souls may be fully consumed by the wand or staff, being tormented with "endless" boredom until using the wand. The wizard can actually be saved very easily from the imprisonment of the wand with a simple spell cast by one of it's co-workers, but this has never occurred since they are all evil.

## The Battle of the Steps

Around 100 hellyears ago, Evil Wizard Satanists sent out prave anti-priests to convert the non-heathens of the world. They discovered the nation of The People's Republic of Taking Two Steps at a Time up the Stairs. ~~By chance, they stumbled upon the Place Where All Good Souls Come to Rest. The wizards, they coveted the jewels in these caves above all things, and soon they began to mine the mountain, its rich seam fueling the chaos of their own world~~.

The wizards confronted the strange elongated inhabitants madly climbing the massive mountain they have built their labyrinth like cities upon. When asked what they were doing, they said that on the top of the mountain there was a stairway leading to 'heaven'. The anti-priests, shocked and irritated saw this as a great threat and reported back to Harry Potter (Allegedly). The plan was to reach the top of the mountain before the Stairsteppians and destroy The Stairway of Heaven with goblin jihadists.

In order to have a chance, they bred long-legged devils and elephants to create the ultimate in climbing transporation. Large floating towers were erected upon these monsters, named Devilphants. They created flying discs that could fly at any altitude, break through the sound barrier and carry both a magic supply of air and protective pressure shields. They used these discs to get into the towers of the devilphants.

## The Auction

During an undecided hellyear when the vapours of satans magnificent anus stood the highest in the void-cealing, Harry Potter (allegedly) commanded his fine wife and main librarian of the occult The Wretched Harmony, to ”go dust off some books or something you foul wench”.After The Wretched Harmony fell down the stairs, walked into a door and took Harry Potters (allegedly) hand and slapped herself with it, she went into the dampest catacombs and found an intruiging book that she then most joyfully brought to her/his/its satanic master.

The book was covered in pieces of skin and bone like materials from several different races, and the pages themselves was made from tanned goblin hides. The pages seemed to mention an ancient code that described a location somewhere in uncharted hellsea territory where one could find a slab of sorts that when incantated allowed communication between worlds and dimensions, or something.Harry Potter (allegedly) in a desperate attempt to get even more wealth put on an active auction on it. The auction were to be held in the missing wizard, Merlin the half dead's, courtyard. The starting price was 200 units of whatever.

During the most fine and grandious auction were hunchbacked slaves crawling on all fours with silver trays nailed to their backs offered a collection of snacks and a variety of cheeses several representatives of different nations arrived.

First Stairsteppia shouted forth with 1,002 meters of space, quickly followed by a rasped scream from atomicbombia who offered "44 ICBM's, a rusty hind-D and, uh, several barrels of radioactive sludge-". In an attempt to screw everybody over for a jolly, the Mafiosos put an amazing bid of 10,000 blunts on the scale of judgement. As the slow, half-deaf, nearsighted and frankly repulsive auction house host, Slugthorn Cockeater the Nerd, stumbled through the concept of hitting the gavel three times a horrific chaos was ensuing in the crowd. Representatives were kicking and screaming different prices of their respective currency in a tsunami of stringy saliva mixed with the peculiar popping sounds that mayor neck arteries make when strained to the fullest, a Helicopteran representative shouted out an undocumented amount of 55-gallon oil drums just as the gavel struck its third, and last, knock.

In celebration of the sold book, fireworks and magical hell streamers was launched into the air in a grandiose display and the national goblin go-go dancers started dancing on the scene to the hit single "My green junk falls like a rotten trunk" by S-pop singer Grongil Vitturash. Sadly, due to the hidious amount of oil and saliva on the stage most of them slipped, knocking the fireworks over. The courtyard turned into a boiling inferno, and somewhere in the huge riot of smoke, fire, flaming hunchbacks and deafening pop music, the book was taken. The oil drums that was scavanged was spread among the wizards, and because vehicles was a foreign concept to the wizards they decided to use it as a sort of anti-aging cream. This has caused more fashinable wizards to be highly flammable.

## See also

* The National Anthem of EWS.Evil Wizard Satanist LeadersHarry Potter (Allegedly) casting a summoning ritual.