Fake TPOT 45a: A'ight Told You So

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
"**A'ight Told You So**" is the first part of the non-canon forty-fifth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 21 January 1989. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known by other nagging-like names such as "**I Told You So**" (without pun), "**It's About Time**", "**Finally**" (moved to a later episode) and "**I Told Ya**".

Author's note: This is the first episode I've started since... January. Sorry I haven't updated *TPOT* further; I promised myself when I started this series that I'd be done before I switched countries, but here we are. He sighs.

Description if this were on YouTube:

There's an ending to this show, and it's fast approaching, and it's for this reason that we've decided to bring something back... or a few somethings, we should say. This contest is something I'm sure you have been waiting for for TWO decades. Isn't that exciting? That's the name of the host! Herre-wow! So BAD! – Bad meaning good of course, just like that new Michael Jackson song :p

It's a shame not all the contestants are taking in the good vibes as much as the others are, though... and I wonder why.

Previous episode: "Cherries & CAT Scans"

Next episode: "Nine Kids on the Block"

## Cold open

### **Outside**

**Scene**Continuation of the final scene from the last episode: **Pin** and **Black Hole** are sitting in front of the CAT Building with horrified expressions as the sound of a vacuum cleaner grows louder. Zoom out to reveal that this is the work of **Two**—they are literally sucking the CAT Building into nothingness. Pin and Black Hole look at them.
* **Two**: Don't mind me, you two.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Two, could you please, um, do that somewhere else?
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, we were thinking.
* **Two**: [*sitting down*] About what? I couldn't hear you.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: About the fact that, if BFDI were non-existent, Pin would be dead.
* **Two**: How sad.

[*Beat. Two frowns.*]

* **Two**: Pin's died many times before, sometimes even on my account. I'm going back to work.

[*Two goes back to sucking up the building. Black Hole gets up.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Need a little help?
* **Two**: [*as X in BFB 9*] No-no-no-no-no-no-no, I can do it, really!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I suppose we shouldn't get in your way then. Come on, Pin. I'm sure Coiny would appreciate this talk.
* **P****i****n**: For bringing me out of the old country? He'll feel like a true vivid orange saviour. [*Exeunt.*]
* **Two**: Bye-bye now!

[*Two looks at Pin and Black Hole for a bit. They clap twice and the entire CAT Building disappears. Silence. Two stares at the camera and smiles.*]

* **Two**: I just wanted to show off.

[*As if poorly edited, Two's audio gets interrupted as they fall to the ground and begins to self-soliloquize.*]

* **Two**: And now to lie down, knowing that nothing will disturb the cleanliness of the Opening. Not even the air shall be laden with urban particles when I'm done with this hundred-day holiday!
* **French Narrator**: Four months later.

[*View of the Opening, four months later: it is 11:59 p.m. on 25 December 1988. A comically fast version of Nana Mouskouri's "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" can be heard in the background. Part of a very tall, beautifully decorated Christmas tree can be seen. Under it sits* **Two**, *dressed as Santa Claus. They sit there with a bored expression on their face.*]

* **Two**: Two humbug.

[*The intro plays.*]

## Pre–Cake at Stake

[*Continuation. Two looks at* **Clock***, who is in the background talking with* **Winner** *and* **Liy***.*]

* **Two**: [*nemini loquens*] A-ha, it's almost time!

[**Bok** *pokes her head out of one of the branches of the Christmas tree, having been listening in.*]

* **B****o****k**: Time for what?
* **Two**: Gah! Bok, you scared me! I thought you were giving up eavesdropping for '89.
* **B****o****k**: It's still December, Two, and I never said that.
* **Two**: Then who did?

[**Mjunga**, *TPOT's own eavesdropper, comes out of the same branch as Bok.*]

* **Mj****unga**: Me.
* **Two**: Well, I can't stop you now. You're just in time for my demonstration.
* **B****o****k**: Wait, Mjunga, how did you get in here?
* **Two**: In *two! Two! Two! Two! Two!* [*takes out a megaphone*] ***HAPPY UN-CHRISTMAS, THE PARTY'S OVER!***

[*Two shouts indistinctly as we see the Tec Pulcussar decorated for the holidays and transformed into a sound stage. Hanging on it is* **Bell** *who, as it turns out, was singing that sped-up Christmas carol before a small group of contestants and Nixefta. She stops singing as soon as she hears Two speak.*]

* **B****e****ll**: [*sigh*] Why is our old host such an interrupter?
* **Two**: [*in the background*] ***YOU MAY ALL GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE TODAY WE ARE GOING TO HAVE CAKE AT STAKE EARLY! IF YOU'RE STILL COMPETING, DON'T BE LATE!***
* **Cloudy**: But that doesn't apply to us.
* **Balloony**: It ne'er did to me.
* **B****e****ll**: [*shouting back*] *Hey, I was singing here!*

[*View of the Opening.*]

* **Two**: ***THE FUN IS DONE!***

[*Two sighs and falls down to the ground. They take off their Santa hat and beard.*]

* **Two**: Uegh...

[*Two, still on the ground, claps and makes the Christmas tree disappear, causing Bok, Mjunga and* **Tree** *to fall to the ground. Bok and Mjunga look at Tree, confused.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: I- I have no idea.

[*Exeunt, as those who were on the Tec Pulcussar walk by Two, making rude gestures.*]

* **E****g****gy**: Nice job, groonch, I spent months getting that up.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: And that was just in the summer!
* **E****g****gy**: We Filipinos celebrate early.

[*Several more people, who have been having a Christmas party in the multi-purpose building, also walk by Two, grumbling as they return to their flats—it's another working day in* The Power of Two.]

* **Yellow Face**: Two, I don't celebrate Christmas 'cause I'm Jewish!
* **St****a****py**: Yeah, me too! I think.
* **F****old****y**: And you won't see me chanting Noel because I am opposed to organized religion.
* **Two**: Good to know, you lot. Now leave me in peace.
* **Ar****esko**: How soon you seem to forget. See ya!

[*Exeunt omnes. Manet* **Two**. *Suddenly, an envelope falls from the sky.*]

* **Two**: Contest details. Nice. /s

[*They clap twice as the screen cuts to black.*]

### **Flat 2: Pencil and Pen**

**Scene**The sun rises the next morning. **Pencil** and **Pen** can be seen lying in bed, while **Soniri** is in his little crib off on the side. He yawns, catching Pencil's attention.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen... Wake up, dear. [*tugs on his cap*]
* **P****en**: It's... a brand new day...

[*He notices that Soniri is awake and changes his attitude.*]

* **P****en**: I mean... [*jumps out of bed*] Oh boy, a brand new day! This is going to be the *best day ever!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're not talking like that 'cos the kid's awake, are you?
* **P****en**: No, I just remembered what day it is!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Christmas plus one. Or Boxing Day, as the more rational ones say. If it weren't for Cake at Stake, I'd be out shopping and I'd take you with me.
* **P****en**: Boxing Day, eh? [*opens the drawer*] Well, I've been waiting to put these up.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What up?
* **P****en**: I'm good, how 'bout you?

[*Pencil shakes her head.*]

* **P****en**: Haha, no, I'm just kidding. [*pulls out some pictures of himself posing in a ring in boxing gear*] One of my proudest achievements of the year, present company excepted. Y'know, I really felt like *Rocky IV* that day.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I don't think Syl-festering Cologne was as worried about getting his face walloped as you were.
* **P****en**: Cute.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Good thing you won that charity match, though. Who else could sock that *Object Animacy* bloke just with his eyebrows?
* **P****en**: Hey, but at least we took him out to Dinner to make up for it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye. But wait, Pen, surely you'd know what Boxing Day is; you're Canadian! You're even listed in the Xanthic Pages! How could you not know it?
* **P****en**: I know what it is! Just trying to be funny, that's all. And I know funny. Right, kiddo?

[*He looks at Soniri, who nods and giggles.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Sure you do. Anyone with eyes can see that. [*looks at the pictures and shows them to Soniri*] Just too bad you can't see the *after* photos.
* **Two**: [*from outside, through a megaphone*] ***Good morning, still-in contestants! It is now time for Cake at Stake!***
* **P****e****nci****l**: The number will see you now, Mr. Schreiber.
* **P****en**: You're not coming?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I wish I could, but with Match and Eraser doing odd jobs around the Fove for the last few weeks, somebody's got to look after Soniri. Besides, I've got to make breakfast in case today's "cake" is inedible.
* **P****en**: You're sweet, you know that?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Go, before I melt with you.
* **P****en**: [*going*] Alright, babe. Love ya.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Love you too.

[*Exit* **Pen**. *Pencil smiles before casting a worried glance.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: And good luck.

### **Crescentia Tepe**

**Scene****Two** has gathered the still-in contestants for Cake at Stake (with the exception of Pencil). Of those, the contestants up for elimination (**Black Hole**, **Pen** and **Pin**) are seated on the platforms, while those immune (at the moment **Golf Ball** and **Remote**) are sitting on the Afos together.
* **Two**: Yes indeed, the points are gone and it's time to see who will finish the series sixth! Fun fact: that's the lowest number that comes after my ex–co-host, so whoever is eliminated today will fulfil a very important milestone, numerically speaking. [*looks at the contestants*] And I see that nobody cares. At the risk of sounding like a number chauvinist, I believe this might be due to your appearances, and who among you has the pleasure of being a *number*, ha, ha!
* **Golf Ball**: Hurry up!
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, we, um, sort of got up early for this. On a national holiday.
* **Two**: Alright! In the last episode, Pen, Pin and Black Hole were put up for voting because they reacted the most strongly to their CAT scans, while Golf Ball, Remote and Pencil reacted—er, wait a minute, where's Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*from the flat*] ***She's got a one-year-old to care for, and you know how they are, contestants with kids!***

[*Everyone turns towards the flat, wondering how she can speak so loudly from several metres away.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: ***Yes, I'm shouting from indoors! Don't you do it all the time, Two?***

[*Everyone turns again, this time to look at Two.*]

* **Two**: What can I say? This place is acoustically perfect.
* **P****en**: I'm sorry, she's been going through an awful lot lately.
* **Two**: That's fine with me. Need I remind you that you two are the last couple left in the competition?
* **P****en**: Yay! Take *that*, balls! [*giggles*]

[*Golf Ball rolls her eyes.*]

* **Two**: But will that still be the case by the end of the day? Ho ho ho, we'll find out!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*Aside, to Pin.*] Ho ho ho?
* **Two**: If you're safe, you get a glow stick!
* **Golf Ball**: *A* glow stick? My granddaughter gifted me with something more thoughtful just yesterday morning!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: At least it's not nothing.
* **Two**: Golf Ball and Remote are safe, so they automatically get glow sticks.

[*As they do with all the other contestants declared safe, Two flings glow sticks at Golf Ball and Remote.*]

* **Two**: Pen...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Dear me.
* **Two**: Since Pencil's the one who's living with you—
* **Golf Ball**: *Cohabiting!*
* **Two**: Would you be a nice guy and give this to her?
* **P****en**: Sure! [*gets flung a glow stick*]
* **Two**: Mint! Now, as for the votes... we got [*number*] of them. That's a lot, innit?
* **Golf Ball**: Not in the grand scheme of things.
* **Two**: The first person I shall call safe today is... Pin!
* **P****i****n**: What? I'm safe?
* **Two**: That's right!

[*Two grabs* **TV** *and places him next to them in the middle of the Tec Pulcussar.*]

* **T****V**: Aw, why me?
* **Two**: TV, could you please show the name of a Pin voter, along with their comment? Since this is such a momentous Cake at Stake, I thought I'd show these contestants what the voters said about them.
* **T****V**: Oh. Sure. I'll find the most flattering comment there is.

[*Beeping noises on TV's part as Two looks at Pin and turns their head back at TV. They do this two times.*]

* **T****V**: A-ha.

[*The word "read" appears on TV's screen.*]

* **Two**: **Nicklion0511** says... [*reading from the screen*] "I'm voting [C] because I can sympathize with Pin... I come from Iraq. Guess how it's going for me"
* **P****i****n**: Ooh, that's heavy. [*Beat.*] Glow stick, please?
* **Two**: Right.

[*Two flings a glow stick at Pin.*]

* **Two**: Now it's down to Black Hole and Pen. I thought some of you might find this interesting: after this Cake at Stake, a boy contestant will surely be departing from us, which means that there will only be one male contestant left in the game.

[*Two's YeFone rings.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Don't take it now.
* **Two**: I must. Apologies for the interru—

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two**. *Everyone looks around, confused.*]

* **P****i****n**: So, Golf Ball, you're the most mature out of all of us here.
* **Golf Ball**: You really think I am?
* **P****i****n**: Why not? You were born before the rest of us.

[*Golf Ball makes her signature BFB 13 face.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What Pin is saying is that you can be our host.
* **Golf Ball**: What? I can't do that; it's all so last minute. You'll have to choose someone else, such as...

[*Golf Ball looks to the side and finds* **Tree** *talking to* **Pie** *and* **Donut**.]

* **Golf Ball**: Tree.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yes?
* **Golf Ball**: How would you like to host today's Cake at Stake temporarily?
* **T****r****e****e**: Why would I do that? I'm eliminated.
* **Golf Ball**: Eliminated or not, you are the closest one standing around.
* **Pi****e**: Now that's a valid reason.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Come on, man, be our host. You've never done it before.
* **P****en**: If I can do it, you can!
* **T****r****e****e**: You've convinced me. But can Pie and Donut come too?
* **Pi****e**: [*jumping onto the Tec*] Think again, I'm already up here.

[*Tree and Donut climb onto the Tec Pulcussar.*]

* **Pi****e**: Look, guys, there's a card. I think it was left by Two.
* **Donut**: How do you know?
* **Pi****e**: Because it has the digit *2* all over it.

[*Donut is about to pick up the index card from the floor, but Tree grabs it for himself without realizing before he notices that Donut was going to get it first.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, I'm sorry. You should—
* **Donut**: No, no, it's okay. After all, I am merely retired.
* **P****en**: From what?
* **T****r****e****e**: Being a cosmonaut, Pen. /s

[*Pen laughs to himself.*]

* **Pi****e**: So where were we?
* **P****i****n**: The three of us here are up for elimination. I'm the only one safe at the moment, and it's either Black Hole and Pen who will leave.
* **Donut**: Eish, that's rough.
* **Pi****e**: I'll say. One of them will have to go and they're both our pact-mates and friends.
* **Donut**: While I was never very close to either of them, even though we were in the same team. Maybe I should read the card for neutrality's sake.
* **Pi****e**: Good idea. Retired people like to read.
* **T****r****e****e**: No, no, guys, I'll do it; the suspense is good for me.
* **Donut**: Alright then.

[*Tree looks nervously at the card and then at the contestants. Unlike Two, he only does this once.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: [*gently*] Black Hole...

[*Black Hole and Pen gasp. Remote gets up.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: It looks like you got the fewest votes this time. [*number*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh no.

[*Tree looks down at the card.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: And it looks like TV has a comment for you, Black Hole.

[*Beeping noise. Tree reads from TV's screen.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: **Chileancreamcakes** says, "[A] Black Hole Black Hole Black Hole Es Mucho Mucho Mucho Increíble!!¡¡!"
* **P****en**: What about me?

[*Silence. Tree looks directly at Pen.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: You get no comment.
* **P****en**: Aww. I knew it would either be me or you from the moment Pin got her prize! You played a real great game.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hey, you did too.

[*Black Hole sighs. Tree begins to look at the card more closely. He raises his hand as he notices something (but no one notices).*]

* **P****en**: You good, big fella?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sure.
* **T****r****e****e**: *Wait a minute!*

[*All look at Tree.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What is it?
* **T****r****e****e**: Black Hole...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes, Tree?
* **T****r****e****e**: The number of people who voted for you doubles due to your little accident in the last challenge.

[*Pie turns her head at Black Hole and smirks mischievously—she did not watch the last episode.*]

* **Pi****e**: What kind of accident, BH?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Believe me, it's not as disgusting as you think.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, because you sucked up Two's entire CAT scanner, you now have [*number*] votes. Good job.

[*On TV's screen, Black Hole's number of votes double, making him the second safe and Pen the eliminated one.*]

* **P****i****n**: Ooh. What a twist.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's, that's real good. [*to Pen*] But bad for you.
* **T****r****e****e**: Can't believe I'm the one saying this, but Pen... you are eliminated.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm sorry.
* **T****r****e****e**: As am I.
* **P****en**: Sorry? Why should you be sorry?

[*As Pen talks, Tree checks the card at least three times and throws a glow stick at Black Hole, around whom it orbits.*]

* **P****en**: I feel great, really! I tell ya, I'ven't been this happy since they changed Uncle Jesse's last name.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But you've just been eliminated.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And with no more rejoins, you've lost your chance to fight for the power of Two.
* **T****r****e****e**: And you're not going to like what this commenter said about you.
* **Donut**: Tree, maybe you shouldn't—

[*Tree reads from TV's screen.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: **Dogyj50** says, "[B]roblematic [B]en needs to go. He's an egotistical manchild with no qualms about flirting with random Americans in Two-themed supermarkets in front of his baby mama."
* **Pi****e**: Looks like some people still think it's vote to eliminate.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*continuing*] "Nevertheless, I personally want Pen to stay because he makes me smile every time he struts his stuff. Hate his guts but he's just too adorable to lose lol" [*pronounced "lawl"*]
* **P****en**: Oh. [*Beat.*] Well, someone thinks I'm adorable. That's all that matters, eh?
* **T****r****e****e**: Safe travels, you ballpoint brain.
* **P****en**: Yeah. [*about to go, but stops*] Wait, wai-wait! it's not just that; I really wanted to thank you guys for being there for me all season. And if Two was here, I'd say *thank you* to Two, too, too. I mean, so what if I can't get that number's power any more? I can bench-press 30 grams, and that's more than average for someone as slim as I am.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Preach, brother.
* **P****en**: Gee-whiz, I've found you guys, who are just *terrific*, and to top it all off, I finished the game with one heck of a girlfriend and a wonderful son, and I love them both, as a matter of fact.
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***I heeeeeeear yoooooouu!***
* **P****en**: I- I don't have anything more to say, so I thank you, for seventeen *awesome* ye—

[**Pen** *gets hit (and killed) by a flying burrito. Silence for about*

2

{\displaystyle \sqrt{2}}

 *seconds.*]

* **Golf Ball**: [*perks up*] So what's the challenge?
* **T****r****e****e**: [*in a bit of shock*] I... I'm not sure.
* **Pi****e**: Neither am I. We are merely people who have been eliminated.
* **T****r****e****e**: Felled.
* **Pi****e**: Eaten.
* **Donut**: Retired.

[*Silence.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Have we just witnessed a preventable death?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Way to commence a guilt trip, dude.

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: —ption. But there will be no boarding the last train to Guiltsville yet, 'cos I've got news for you!
* **Pi****e**: You bought hair transplants.
* **Two**: No. [*looks at the reflective surface of the Tec*] *No!* I've just got off the phone with one of my number minders here on Earth, and they said that while my progress in breaking down my anti-object prejudices is sufficient, they still want me to attend Terrestrialization courses.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And you're happy about that? I had to take a T12ation course when I moved here, and, well, I don't like to toot my own sonifications, but I passed.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You never told me you were in that class.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It never came up in conversation.
* **Two**: Oh, I wouldn't be happy if the modules came at their scheduled time, for they coincide with today's challenge. Or at least they *would* have done. You see, the phone call I received said that my teacher couldn't come due to illness. That means your contest is on and I get to host you all! I'm so happy, I want to wish everybody a very *two*-ey Christmas!

[*Silence.*]

* **P****i****n**: [*Aside, to Remote.*] The holiday spirit came a day late with that one.
* **Two**: In fact, I feel like... like... donkey-donkey-donkey-donkey-trrrrrwaaaaaaaaaaaooooouuuuuugh...
* **Golf Ball**: This seems awfully familiar.

[*Sternuit unum cylindrum receptatorum. Two looks at the recovery cylinder and pogs.*]

* **Two**: Have I missed somebody's death?

[*Almost at once,* **Pen** *breaks out of the cylinder.*]

* **P****en**: [*triumphantly*] *Yah!*
* **Two**: Γειά to you too, Pen. You alright?
* **P****en**: I was eliminated.
* **Two**: I know.
* **P****en**: You can send me the invoice in the mail; I'm sure Pencil will explain it for me. [*exhales*] Ah, Two, it was real nice doin' business with ya. [*shakes their hand*]
* **Two**: Okay, bye-bye now, Mr. Good Grip!

[*Exit* **Pen**, *who hurries to his flat excitedly.*]

## Post–Cake at Stake

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What do we do now? The person who, when this series began, had the best chance of not being eliminated, has just been eliminated.
* **Golf Ball**: Did I not tell you that would happen? I told you so! I told you so! Who told you so? I did!
* **Two**: I have to go.

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **P****i****n**: It looks like we're hostless again. So Tree...
* **T****r****e****e**: Nope.
* **Pi****e**: I'm out of here too. My duties are done.

[*Exeunt. Pin tries not to chuckle at Pie's saying the word "duties".*]

### **Flat 2**

**Scene****Pencil** is cleaning up the house. Sometimes she looks out the window, but not all the time. Enter **Pen**, still smiling.
* **P****en**: Hi, honey, I'm home!

[*He looks at the mantle above the fireplace, where Pencil has placed his boxing pictures.*]

* **P****en**: Aw, I just love what you've done with the pics!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*kisses him*] And I just love what you said there about my being "heckuva". Haven't the faintest idea what it means, but I'm inclined to think it's no kick in the teeth.
* **P****en**: H'hoo! For you, my dear. [*presenting her with her glow stick*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Cheers. What's that?
* **P****en**: Your cake.
* **P****e****nci****l**: If I were to eat this, I'd find it abominable, shouldn't I?
* **P****en**: Unless you're Eraser.
* **P****e****nci****l**: He'd eat a dart frog just 'cos they're brightly coloured. But wait... if this is my cake, and you haven't got anything on you, does that mean—
* **P****en**: Your boy got eliminated. [*finger-guns himself*] *Più più!*

[*Pen falls onto the couch as Pencil sits next to him and comforts him.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Aww, I'm terribly sorry, and I really mean it. [*looks at him*] You don't look sad.
* **P****en**: But do I still look good?

[*Pencil grimaces at him.*]

* **P****en**: Oh, it's my fault, Penc, please forgive me. Someone thought I was flirting at Tew's Market the other month.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*gets up*] No, I mean I should have known you'd be sent off today! I heard you making that speech from the Tec and thought you were on some kind of ridiculous others-praising tirade, but then I realized that's the sort of speech one makes on the day of their elimination. So... are you alright? You've been doing this TPOT thing for a lot longer than I have.
* **P****en**: Alright? I feel swell! Oh, what the hey, I feel swell *to the max!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: I can see that, Pen. The way you're smiling, I thought they turned somebody else Greek. Like the cast of *Amen*.
* **P****en**: Penc, I'm serious. I'm not sad at all; I'm surrounded by me, myself and I. And y'know, if I'm home all the time, we won't need a babysitter for Sonny any more.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's good. [*sits down*] I've been running back and forth from Flat 10's storage facility with the Christmas decorations all by myself. No wonder the feminist movement don't think much of this life. I'm well exhausted! [*gets up*] But now I must answer the call of duty and follow what Two asks of us—me.
* **P****en**: Think it's about the challenge.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*going*] I know that!
* **P****en**: Only my first reminder to you as a just-eliminated, heh.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, here's my reminder to you, my little "just-y".

[**Pencil** *gives Pen a kiss on the cheek and exits, silently thinking of why she called Pen her "pet just-y". Pen's smile slowly becomes a frown—he sighs as he is left alone.*]

### **Tec Pulcussar**

**Scene****Tennis Ball** and the still-in contestants (**Black Hole**, **Golf Ball**, **Pin** and **Remote**) all talk at the same time, a bit like in BFDI 18. Zoom in on Pin, who is the only one not saying anything of substance.
* **P****i****n**: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...

[*She slowly stops as everyone else quiets down and looks at her strangely.*]

* **P****i****n**: What?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: This is my fault. I shouldn't have announced a talking contest in the midst of your hostlessness. I only wanted to hear you people's voices again.
* **Golf Ball**: TB! What are you doing here?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Nothing, really.

[*Exit* **Tennis Ball**. *At the same time, enter* **Pencil**, *rushing in.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Alright, I'm here!

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: So you are!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Two, where have you been?
* **Two**: On the phone. They say I can take my Terrestrialization course early and still get credit for it, as long as it comes from an accredited Earthling. Anyway, rumour has it that your biro bezzie mate practically eliminated himself, so please don't be offended that I've split up the last couple on the show.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Me, offended? At that do I laugh! ***Ha!***
* **Golf Ball**: [*Aside.*] Vanity-Fairian!
* **Two**: Anyway, I'm glad that you're all here so I can tell you what the challenge is.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Which is? [*Silence. She looks around a bit.*] I'm filling in for the bloke that fills in for Eraser; it's a lot harder than it seems.

[*Two looks at Pencil and shakes their head slowly but subtly. They then jump up in excitement.*]

* **Two**: What was significant about today's Cake at Stake?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We lost a fan favourite.
* **P****i****n**: The host was missing in action.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I spoke during it.
* **Two**: You're wrong, all of you!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, what a relief. I'd hate to be Mr. Right, in something like this. /s
* **Two**: Black Hole, do you remember why you are safe in this episode?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Of course. It's because my votes were doubled.
* **Two**: And do you know what that is an inverse function of?

[*Silence, except for Golf Ball, who thinks out loud: mechanical noises can be heard emitting from her.*]

* **Golf Ball**: It is the inverse of BFDI's Win Token system.
* **Two**: That's right!
* **P****i****n**: I have two Win Tokens.
* **Two**: And what was Pencil doing during today's Cake at Stake?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: She was being absent.
* **Two**: Yes, but she also did scream from inside, well, she screamed from inside indeed. That's the opposite of what I do normally: ***SCREAM FROM OUTSIDE!***
* **P****e****nci****l**: As though my reputation could get any worse.
* **Two**: Catching a pattern now?

[*Soni exspectati of confusion.*]

* **Two**: Well, try this one on for size: say this word out loud. *Owt*. [*pronounced "oat"*]
* **All**: Owt.
* **Two**: How do you say that backwards?
* **All**: Toe.
* **Two**: [*irritated*] *No*, you say—
* **Golf Ball**: Wait, Two! I know what you're saying. The recurring theme for whatever happens today is opposites, inversions or reversals.
* **Two**: That's correct, Golf Ball! That's why today's contest, as determined by me and the powers that be... is... a *reverse race!*

[*All gasp.*]

## Pre-contest

### **Flat 2**

**Scene****Pen** is lying on the couch by himself and watching a game show on television. **Soniri** is sitting in his crib watching with him.
* **P****en**: [*claps*] You got this, Desk Lamp, whoo!
* **Desk Lamp**: [*on the screen*] Okay, it's a show and it's got objects in it, and it's released every day, every week, every two weeks, maybe...

[*Knock on the door, as Desk Lamp says 28 more syllables.*]

* **P****en**: [*gets up*] Pencil?
* **Pill****ow**: No, it's Pillow!
* **Bot****tle**: Yeah, it's *Pillow!*
* **P****en**: [*nemini loquens*] That's got to be Bottle.

[*Pen opens the door and sees* **Bottle** *and* **Pillow**. *Pillow is holding a flyer.*]

* **P****en**: Hiya.
* **Bot****tle**: Ciao, buddy!

[*Pen smiles. Pillow hands him an elegant-looking piece of folded paper.*]

* **Pill****ow**: You are softly invited to an eliminated contestants' chat group.

[*He opens up the flier and reads it, confused.*]

* **P****en**: "Save 30% on down at the Three Little Birds' Feather Emporium: We pluck 'em, you tuck 'em."
* **Pill****ow**: Hooray, we brought the wrong one! Now he'll never know!
* **P****en**: Wait, just tell me what this is for, please.
* **Pill****ow**: You, my former bedfellow, are now eligible to join a YeFone community of objects who live on the Fovitwe but can no longer take part in *The Power of Two*.
* **Bot****tle**: That's our host's name!
* **P****en**: Hey, you're right, that is!

[*Beat as Pillow and Bottle start to look inside the flat.*]

* **P****en**: Oh, I'm sorry, guys. Why don't you come in and sit on the old chesterfield?
* **Pill****ow**: No thanks, we prefer to stand outside. On the grassy field.
* **Bot****tle**: You can't get sunshine indoors, no matter how many holes you poke through the walls!

[*Pillow looks at the television, where a woman is saying 28 syllables.*]

* **Pill****ow**: Hey, are you watching *Prattle On*?
* **P****en**: Yep!
* **Bot****tle**: Ooh, I love that show!
* **Pill****ow**: It is new and almost Swedish. Just like that band I quite like.
* **P****en**: Which one? Rock Set?
* **Pill****ow**: [*in a sing-song tone*] No-o-o!
* **Bot****tle**: I so love how fast those people can talk! The clue is *The Daily Object Show*!
* **P****en**: Y'know, Bottle, I think you might be a genius.
* **Pill****ow**: Guessing the names of object shows is one of the 72 things she would excel in if we lived in a parallel universe. [*Aside, but loudly enough for Bottle to hear her.*] I made that up.
* **P****en**: Gee, nice going. But... speakin' of the group chat thing, I'm sorry. Don't really think that's the right thing for me, y'know? I prefer to talk to people in person.
* **Pill****ow**: [*to Bottle*] Well, we tried. [*going*] Bye-bye!
* **P****en**: See ya.

[*Bottle pokes her head inside the flat.*]

* **Bot****tle**: I guess you'll be... missing out!
* **Pill****ow**: Yeah, *missing out!*
* **Bot****tle**: Are you mocking me, Pillow?
* **Pill****ow**: [*in the same sing-song tone*] No-o-o!
* **Bot****tle**: Okay!

[*Exeunt. Pen goes back to his seat.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: [*on the screen*] You get five seconds to guess what Desk Lamp and Cynthia have been pratar-ing om about.
* **Woman**: Is it *ONE*?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Um, no. Förlåt, but it was actually *The Daily Object Show*!

[*Applause from the audience.*]

* **P****en**: Huh. I always thought it was pronounced "oh-nay".

### **Outside**

**Scene****Two** is explaining the rules of the reverse race to the still-in contestants.
* **Two**: And that's when you run through the ruins and make your way to the finish line. The first two contestants to touch the ground at the end are immune, while the last two *will* be up for elimination! Capisce?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Kibosh.
* **P****i****n**: But there are five contestants left. What happens to the one who comes third?
* **Two**: We'll cross that bridge when we get *to* it. Now has anybody any questions before we begin?
* **Golf Ball**: You have read through the summary of our upcoming race in much detail, but why do you call this challenge a "reverse race"? [*Beat.*] I've put the last two words in quotation marks, in case you couldn't tell.
* **P****e****nci****l**: GB, honey, nobody could tell.
* **Two**: Oh! Well, if you want to know what makes this a reverse race, listen to me!

[*Two stands on their head.*]

* **Two**: So you know how, like, in normal, everyday races, people can pass the various checkpoints along the way whenever they want?

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **Two**: Well, that's not possible! Every contestant must be present at a checkpoint before they can continue with the race. [*stands back up again*] And I'll tell you why later.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But what if, *maadhallahi*, someone dies during the contest?
* **Two**: You will have to start all over again. That's what makes this a reverse race; it embodies all that has nothing to do with the typical race thought up by the common object!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: This is ridiculous. Who will make sure we all show up at each checkpoint at the same time?
* **Two**: Since I don't feel like travelling the world for some reason, I'd like you all to meet my Twobot.

[*Silence.*]

* **Two**: I said, meet my Twobot!

[*Silence.*]

* **Two**: Where is my Twobot?

[*View of the Fovitwe from above*]

* **Two**: Ah, let me go find it. In the meantime, let's have a break!

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two**, *who can be seen in the background physically searching the area.*]

* **P****i****n**: Golf Ball, about this "togetherness" thing that Two's forcing onto us.
* **Golf Ball**: Are you suggesting that we form an alliance, just for this contest?
* **P****i****n**: Why not?
* **Golf Ball**: I am not used to forming an alliance with people who say—

[*Flashback to BFDI 1b, when Pin was in charge of picking teams.*]

**P****i****n**: They're all pretty bad. First of all, I wouldn't choose Flower for obvious reasons. Eraser thinks he's too cool to do anything. Blocky? No way, he's got issues. Spongy is *so* fat and smelly. Golf Ball, too bossy. [*repeats*] Golf Ball, too bossy. Golf Ball, too bossy. [*in a demonic tone*] Golf Ball, too bossy.
**Golf Ball**: [*edited to sound extra dramatic*] ***Speak to yourself, Pin.***
[*End flashback.*]

* **P****i****n**: I don't think I said it like that.
* **Golf Ball**: I have a very good memory.
* **P****i****n**: But why did you play out the whole scene? With special emphasis on what I said about you?
* **Golf Ball**: So that you know that I have a good memory without my having to say it.

[*Silence.*]

* **P****i****n**: Does this mean we're not doing the alliance thing?

[**Pin** *walks off to the starting line.* **Golf Ball** *follows her.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I can see the friendless one's having a bit of trouble. Hey, can one of you hold my place before Two returns? I've got something to check up on.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sure thing.

[*Exit* **Pencil**.]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Friendless one*? That sounds like something that would cause death via words.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hmm, you're right.

[*Black Hole flies over to the other side of Remote and makes a chomping noise.*]

* **?**: *Chomp.*
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What was that for?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I sucked up her place.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Nice. [*tries to high-five him, but her hand gets spaghettified instead*] W-h-oops.

### **Flat 2**

**Scene****Pen** is standing in the kitchen and drawing on one of the cupboards with a pen, which is rather obviously much smaller than he is. He is a little bored.
* **P****en**: Done!

[*We see that he has drawn a heart on the cupboard with the partial equation "P + P" on it. He gives it a chef's kiss.*]

* **P****en**: Mwah! So what d'ya think, Sonny?
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Pfft!
* **P****en**: Eh, they say artistic taste is the last thing a child develops.

[*Knock on the door.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*on the other end*] It's me, Pencil! You busy?
* **P****en**: Come on in, babe!

[*A "glass breaking" sound effect is heard, but it's revealed to be coming from a commercial playing on the television.* **Pencil** *opens the door, in motion.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*running in place*] Okay, what did you drop?
* **P****en**: Nothing!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*sigh*] Anyway, hello, sorry, but I've forgotten my sweatband from that pile of accessories we keep in the bathroom.
* **P****en**: Why?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Because they're no other space in the house for them. [*starts to jog around the table*] Sweatbands are all the rage these days, you know. Well, those and glow-in-the-dark leg warmers. Hope you don't mind my telling you this, but Two's sent us on a laissez-faire reverse race for the challenge, laissez-faire insofar as Two's not actively hosting us while we run, but I've got to look like I'm prepared at least. I don't want people to think I can't be bothered with my appearance 'cos my boyfriend's no longer competing with me!

[*Pencil runs into the bathroom. Pen grins at his being called "boyfriend".*]

* **P****en**: A reverse race, eh? You running backwards or something?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*off-screen*] No, we've just got a number of checkpoints to pass together, and the only person watching us isn't a person. It's an extraplanetary cyborg. Don't worry, I'll see to it on your behalf that it'll be totally awesome.
* **P****en**: Boy, when you say it like that, it's already awesome... and I'm not even running!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, if only you weren't sent off, you'd be running with me and me only! Certainly got the legs for it.
* **P****en**: What was that, love?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Nothing.

[*Pen laughs to himself and sits on the sofa. He hears Pencil talking to herself in the bathroom.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Bloody hell, where is it? *Aaaargh!*
* **P****en**: Want me to go in and help you look? There's enough room for two beanpoles in there, y'know!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Not today, dear, I've got a contest!

[*Pencil closes the door. Pen sighs and makes a long speech to himself, as he has done in past episodes.*]

* **P****en**: Well, guess that's what's left of me these days. A non-competitor forced to react from the sidelines 'cause he can't play any more. It's the end of dumb ol' Benny G. and his twenty-seven years of fame. But I can't go back to amateur theatre! Of course, no one can tell by looking at me, but I'm way older than the average uni student.

[*Knock on the door.*]

* **P****en**: That you, Penc?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*behind the bathroom door*] How can it be me when I'm already inside, Socrates?
* **P****en**: [*facepalms*] That's right, duh!

[*He gets up and goes to the door.*]

* **Voice**: [*outside, sheepishly*] Er, is this the home of Pencil? Pencil Triángolo, the TPOT contestant?

[*Pen looks confused.*]

* **P****en**: Yeah, why?
* **Voice**: I suppose you could say I'm *like* her.

[*A few quiet giggles, seemingly from other people.*]

* **P****en**: Oh. [*oblivious*] Okeydoke!

[*He opens the door and sees a group of young people standing outside. At the front is a* **Pencil look-alike**, *except that instead of the typical light-to-dark tri-colour scheme that goes on from her eraser to the tip (which is a light shade of blue instead of the dark grey on Pencil proper), almost her entire body is coloured as if a gradient; and she's wearing bare shoulder pads, as was common among young women of the time. Pen looks at her—she gives him a light wave—and he quickly closes the door in a panic.*]

* **Another voice**: Okay, dude, what the frick? Open this chiz up!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*behind the door*] Who was that, Pen? Another Jew for Jesus come and try to get you?
* **P****en**: I- I don't know! There's a bunch of kids out there and one of them looks like *you!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: What? Are they still there?
* **P****en**: I hope not! I thought you said you were inside, but how can you be inside and outside at the same time? I'm really really scared!

[*Re-enter* **Pencil** *in a hurry—she is wearing her neon green sweatband. Pen looks at her and smiles.*]

* **P****en**: That looks great on you, sweetheart.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Unbelievable!
* **P****en**: Okay, it looks awesome on you.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*ignoring him*] Am I really so much of a fashion icon that people are starting to resemble me? Open the door, I've a good reason to fear that if they're not standing outside it, they're on their way to the morality feds to report a case of poor hospitality.
* **P****en**: Penc, the door.

[*Pen opens the door and gestures theatrically towards the young people, whom Pencil examines curiously.*]

* **P****en**: I told you! [*to the young people*] Ey, did I not tell the lady, gang?
* **Yet** **an****oth****e****r** **one of the y****oung** **p****eo****p****le**: You sure told her.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wait, wait, wait, wait. [*Pause, as she turns towards the young people.*] Before anybody makes a single utterance... who exactly *are* you?

[*The Pencil look-alike looks at Pencil and Pen and clears her throat.*]

* **P****en****cil look-al****i****k****e**: I'm... [*clears her throat*] No. [*points to the rest of the youths*] We're... we're... we are... that are—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, tell us already!
* **P****en****cil look-al****i****k****e**: We're your children.

[*After a pause, Pen faints. Pencil exclaims in surprise.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: ***What?!***

[*Cut to black as these words appear on the screen.*]

**To be continued
in TPOT 45b
March 6, 1989**
[*Roll credits.*]

## Notes

1. ↑ It's hard to write a Christmas special in March.
2. ↑ No pun needed—both Rocky and Four are BFB cha... why explain the joke?
3. ↑ A reference to *Gumball*: the diner is called Dinner. It's the place where Pen does his lounge singing career when he's not competing (which may or may not be mentioned in a future episode).
4. ↑ duh

**Fake TPOT** [V]