A Fistful of Crecibles

**A Fistful of Crecibles** took place on Telrion in 375 A.U..

## Summary

### Setup

This campaign occurs on Telrion. Characters can be locals, miners, desperadoes, bandits, telranian tribesman, or foreigners come to dispute the mining rights of the Dwarves (or serve some other scheme).

Kobolds are apparently also here.

The goal of the campaign is unclear, but should emerge naturally from character creation. Just think spaghetti western and you can't be too far wrong.

A few important things to note:

* The harsh Telranian desert makes heavy armor impractical — suits beyond breastplate coverage will cause fort saves. Failure will cause temporary stat reduction, HP loss, or worse. In general, the hostile environment will directly affect your ability to do things.

* Honor: There is a certain way of doing things that your characters will understand and be important to factor into your BP if you choose to be a native, especially a Telranian.

* Unusual gun techniques: most of you who do not have a lot of money or resources will not be able to haul items around. Therefore, it is pretty likely that most of you will derive your coolness not from the weapon you carry, but what you are able to do with it. Hydrogen pistols are a favorite of modestly well off desperadoes because of their light weight, heavy punch, customization, and accuracy, but many will not be carrying anything so nice. Be creative.

The campaign is likely to revolve around the mining industry on the planet, which is run mostly by dwarves.

### Chapter 0: Will it TPK?

Romano Reina arrives in Telrion. He immediately decides that the correct thing to do is enter the local saloon, punch Millie the matron/bartender, and declare himself the new proprietor of the establishment. Aristrom "Ivory Hands" decides that this is too much to bear, drew his pistol, and shot Romano right through both of his hands. Dr. Guilford puts Romano under with some ether, and sends his lieutenant "El Roco" to deal with the damages. El Roco insults Ivory Hands again, and gets both his cheap sunglasses and his legs blown off.

In the middle of it all, a mysterious pack of dynamite blows the front off the building. Deciding that this is some parting shot, Ivory Hands takes the drunken dwarf Gordon and Sherriff Fergus over to put an end to the tools.

Gordon instigates a standoff and almost blows up the barber shop/doctor's office but instead falls over in his mech from his drunkenness, but instead falls over in his mech from his drunken-ness. El Roco tries to escape, but under the dread influence of Ivory Hands, they drag him back to face the music. As he is being shot in the head, another dynamite blast destroys him, Romano, and the barbershop.

Ivory Hands then questions Mona Isa, a bystanding gunslinger, and the newly arrived Shakar. He then takes a well deserved "rest" with a companion, offered to him "free of charge" from Millie on the second floor of the saloon.

### Chapter 1: The Great Train Robbery

Ivory Hands, with the aid of Dr. Guilford, gathered a team of locals, bandits, and kobolds to rob a train full of medical supplies, mining supplies, and a McKeough Clan VIP. To initiate this plan, Ivory Hands, Mona Isa, Millie, and their new friend Starke posed as an Elvish noble and his entourage (featuring Mona Isa as the "Sister clinically obsessed with plastic surgery"). The plan started with a minor hiccup when a Dwarven guard declared that Mona Isa did not "smell" like an elf (and this fellow had smelled many elves in his time).

The party entered the train. Mona Isa and Millie broke off to explore, but ended up spending most of the ride getting the platoon of soldiers occupying the cars adjacent to the passenger seats drunk and sleepy. Meanwhile, Ivory hands (with the terrifying looking Starke as an "impartial" dealer) played cards with four distinctive gentlemen, nicknamed "Colonel Mustard", "Mr. Rosa / Jack Ruby", "Mr. Blueberry", and "The Man in Lavender".

Mona Isa did a random act of kindness to the teacake lady, handing her hundreds of crecibles, first sneaking them into her pocket after stealing a teacake, then outright buying the teacake cart from her. Millie, with the guards now drunk, got her way into an armored cargo car, in which she found an odd looking reflector dish with a strange mechanism attached to it. Mona Isa left to tell Ivory Hands about the discovery, interrupting the cheating match that he and Starke had gotten into during the cardgame. As Ivory Hands got up to leave, he took the business cards of each man he was playing with. The last, "the man in Lavender", handed him a small cylinder instead, which immediately exploded into a purple cloud.

The man in lavender declared that he was, in fact, the renowned bounty hunter "Indigo" and that he intended to take Ivory Hands' head. Ivory hands could not see Indigo in the purple haze and was shot and seriously wounded attempting to flee out the skylight. He then proceeded to ambush Indigo as he followed, and, quick on the draw as usual, used all his intellectual power to ensure that he blew Indigo's head to bits. Meanwhile, Mustard and his crew drew on Starke, who killed everyone except "Jack Ruby" (who jumped out the window and miraculously survived with little damage).

Finally, with purple smoke billowing from the passenger cars and all hell breaking loose, Shakar went to decouple the cars, but critically failed his stealth check and fell flat on his face. Fortunately for him, the machinegun crew similarly failed spectacularly, causing the gun first to jam, and then, when a second round got stuck, the magazine exploded, throwing the crew from the train. Shakar had only one chance to decouple, however, and only with quick-thinking from Sallah, who had been waiting in his snipers spot, managed to break the chains that held the cars coupled. The Kobold demolitionist missed the timing by a large margin, blowing up the first cargo car section instead of merely the track between the first engine and the rest. Thus, as guards rushed to question Starke and Mona Isa, and as Ivory Hands and Millie attempt to divine the dish mechanism, Sallah and Shakar prepared for battle as the engine slows down and the train guards disembark to fight.

### Chapter 2: The Not-So-Great Train Robbery

The session began with the train guards disembarking, followed by a trio of modified mine robots, armored in front and armed with advanced heavy machineguns. Shakar, using his technomancy, caused the rearmost of the mining suits (which were walkers crewed by a dwarvish pilot) to fire directly into the drivers compartment of the suit in front of it, pulping the pilot and rendering it impossible to drive. Sallah, in support, broke the leg of the lead suit with his up-gunned telranian Jezail, causing that pilot to bail out. Shakar was then hit by withering automatic weapons fire from the dwarvish contingent of the train guards. He was forced to take cover, as he had been very nearly killed by several lucky blows.

Sensing his companion's desperation, Ivory Hands made a trick shot from one of the train's boxcars and blew apart the steam valve on the last of the walkers, boiling the occupant instantly. The remaining guards refused orders to advance, and were content to take pot shots and contain the attackers. While this was happening, Sallah was also engaged in a firefight with the other half of the guards, who were moving to flank Ivory Hands position in the cars and flush out the kobolds, who had dashed over to the train and were busy looting. Expertly sniping their sergeants, he caused them to fall back in confusion and take cover. Thus, there was a lull in the fighting as the guards kept watch but did not press their attack further.

Further down the train, Mona Isa and Starke were being questioned about their role in the killing of "Indigo" and the gentlemen playing cards when the explosion gave the questioning a sense of urgency. Starke claimed that the men had killed each other in a fit of passion. However, the train inspector was having none of it and promptly arrested him. Mona Isa corroborated his story, but threw him under the bus, so to speak, and the guards ignored her as they went about their business. Starke was taken to the back of the train, where he met "Little Stevie" McKeough and Randy "al-Sakin" ("The Knife")
A brief questioning (where Starke of course insulted everyone present multiple times) resulted in the guards pummeling him until he was unconscious — a feat which took about four too many blows, as Starke made fort save after fort save to continue insulting them as they put the beat down on him.

Ivory Hands was not doing so well, with his tuberculosis and the serious wound he had sustained earlier in his duel with "Indigo". Millie was keeping him on the edge of consciousness, propped up against the door to their armored boxcar as she went around stealing its contents. She came across a dish and some lens projectors, which Ivory Hands ordered her to steal along with their instruction manual. Meeting up with Mona Isa, they decided to make a break for it. With Sallah offering one last burst of covering fire, they ran to the safety of the buttes along the train line. Unfortunately for Mona Isa, she tripped along the way and her trenchcoat flew wide open, revealing not a horribly scarred woman, but three kobolds
who sheepishly gathered back into the coat and started running again, billowing the thing behind them to kick up a dust cloud.

When they all reached the rendezvous point (with all the kobolds, save the unhappy demolitionist who had blown himself up and his spotter, who had the misfortune of being in one of the cars which was destroyed by the blast), Ivory hands reported to the sheriff that Mona Isa was in fact three kobolds. This was too much for the three and she (or, rather, they) all drew on Ivory Hands at once. Sadly, Ivory hands was far too quick on the draw and shot all three of them in the head in one quick burst. That taken care of, the loot was hidden among the mules of a passing caravan and taken into town.

Meanwhile, the group watched in a mix of horror and amazement as they saw why they had encountered so little resistance in their escape. From their safe vantage point, they watched as a mighty monitor lizard of the desert, longer than a train car with a jaw capable of snapping a man in two, came with an unheard of ferocity directly towards the train. Shakar, pinned down with little help for rescue, had made a last desperate gamble. He knew the darker creatures of the wastes were attuned to his mind and opened himself and the scent of his blood to them. The one that came terrified all the remaining dispirited guards, who fled, even the ones in the safer back of the train decoupled from the wrecked front and used the rear engine to get away
But Shakar, weak as he was, could barely evade the creature himself. With a stroke of ingenuity, he came upon the idea of decoupling a car and using his chainsaw and a little of his magic to turn the axle.

This done, it looked almost as if he would make a clean breakaway, but alas, the chainsaw quickly wore through the axle and broke it, causing the car to derail. In one last attempt to at least deter the monitor lizard, he rigged all the ammunition in the car (which had previously been occupied by guards) to blow. As the lizard slithered over to look under the car at him, he detonated the shrapnel. But the lizard was a smart one — she had enough sense through Shakar's mind to know the gist of the plan, and had positioned herself to take the least of the blow while Shakar, unlucky bastard he was, took the full force of the blast. His last words, in the moment between igniting the fuse and seeing the truth of the situation in the eyes of the lizard: "Clever girl".

Shakar having met his end, the party was left to assess the damage. Two (technically, four) members of the party had been killed, another had probably been captured. But, on the other hand, a lot of good stuff had been salvaged, including two very nice experimental mining rigs which the Kobolds had somehow learned to drive (probably drawing on experience in similar "repurposed" dwarven outfits in the Lintair mines) and, key to Ivory hands, the medicine that had started him on this insane quest in the first place. Starke was captured and interrogated by Randy, Stevie, and the big boss, Ian McKeough, who informed him that "Jack Ruby" (who was watching) had told them all about his adventures and that if he did not cooperate, Randy would use him as his signature canvas. He had already seen the smiley and frowny faces carved into the back of his hands that greeted him when he woke up and these were joined soon (as Starke traded insults with his interrogators) by a poorly carved dick on his left cheek and the words "Randy wuz here" in his right.

Upon mentioning his (clearly honest and unfettered) hatred for Aurec Vintel, however, McKeough thought that he would be useful, and cut a deal with him. Starke was let go and when he returned, he gathered the team and proposed the following. He would use his contacts to grant Ivory Hands' request for a return to Aeldman society, and pay handsomely to the rest. In return, they would do two things: Exterminate the McKeoughs, and kill Aurec Vintel.

### Chapter 3: Enter: Isra & Pelvis

Ivory Hands is convalescing in Dr. Guilford's office. A mysterious stranger in a massive sun-yellowed white sunhat and suit walks into the saloon. She procedes to get into a staring contest with Starke, which goes nowhere quickly. Shortly after, another stranger walks in — a halfling with a pompadour almost as big as the rest of his body and a classical guitar decked out with glitz and bangles. Millie was standing there cleaning her last unbroken glass and serving Gordon his favorite rotgut (distilled from fermented horse piss).

The halfling, known as "Pelvis Resley" sat down and began strumming a tune. But almost immediately, Gordon began heckling him. He shouted insults and then threw an empty beer bottle at him. In retaliation, Pelvis threw one of the drumsticks right into Gordon's face. At Millie's behest, they went out into the street to settle their differences, after Gordon revved the engine of his 'mech to drown out Restley's performance. Starke at this point decided for some reason the climb up the mech and give it a bear hug, much to everyone's bewilderment. Isra observed the fight unfold, ready to attack the first to stumble.

Pelvis made to play a 'brown' chord and throw his opponents off guard, but instead broke one of his strings and woke the sheriff up, who came over and cited the musician for creating a public disturbance. As Sheriff Fergus went to confiscate his guitar, however, Pelvis flipped down the head of the instrument, revealing that it is also a machine gun, and unloaded into the sheriff, seriously injuring him.

A brief fight ensued, which ended with the other newcomer, Isra, raking Pelvis with what looked like knives or maybe claws and putting him down. Starke followed the sheriff into the telegraph office / jail and engaged in a staring contest with Pelvis. Pelvis, who had already lost a lot of blood, fainted during the staring contest and very nearly died due to the incompetence of the deputy who tried to heal him.

Starke took pity on Pelvis and brought him to Dr. Guilford to be treated. In the meantime, the blustery Timmy McKeough rolled into town with some armored cars to make a proclaimation. After some long winded declaration which for some reason focused mostly around insults using the various homophones of "you" ("yew" "ewe" etc.) and the resulting heckling, he pinned a notice to Starke (along with a note clearly not meant to be posted telling Timmy to "not fuck this one up"). He then threatened everyone again, but then mentioned something which interested Gordon and Isra: That the McKeough's had put out a bounty on Kobold heads — bonus if they can prove they are members of the Kobolds of T.

They went over to the sheriff in Dr. Guilford's office and asked him for the location of a kobold nest to strike. He reluctantly (and very clearly in the presence of the good doctor) told them of a nearby nest. They left, and a mile or two outside of town were shot at by a couple of kobold rebels. Gordon tracked them down, and threw too many grenades into their shallow hiding cave, completely vaporizing them. This gave the other kobolds enough time to escape and as they approach the nest, it explodes (a poor demolition check). Thus, the pair return to town, empty handed.

### Chapter 4: Much Ad-ewe About Nothing

Having agreed on a plan of attack while Gordon is off on his wild kobold goose chase, the party splits in two. On gathered information and Sallah's recommendation, Ivory Hands, Isra, and Sallah head out on horseback for a rendezvous with "Shiqun" - "the wolf's paw". Shiqun is the leader of an all-female Telranian mercenary troop, famed as bodyguards. They currently are under contract with the McKeough clan, though there have been some conflicts. Still, as Shiqun points out, the point of her spear is more than enough to defuse the usual summary execution that Jimmy McKeough is very ready to hand out.

Shiqun insists on a brief duel. Ivory Hands gets the draw on her and shoots the spear out of her hands and the wolf's skull at the same time, causing the spear to land in the wolf's jaw. Suitably impressed, Shiqun agrees to do business. Meanwhile, Tucker and his kobolds executed a daring morning raid on the manse and gardens of Timmy McKeough. Their aim: to loot and destroy and lure Timmy into a rash retaliation.

The early parts of their plan did not go well. First, lietentant "Stone-Faced" Steve the Kobold decided to recklessly charge the aqueduct, driving the guards back inside. He attempted to climb the aqueduct as his kobolds tossed explosives, but unfortunately the guard was too quick, and opened the floodgates, sweeping Steve and his cohort downstream. Steve himself was drowned attempting to rescue his pet rock, along with many of his men.

Meanwhile, Tucker and his kobolds took the signal to mean that they should attack the Rose garden. Leading the kobolds, they ruined many a crop of prize winning roses, never to see the glorious Telrion rose parade. However, they quickly found themselves surrounded by the flooding irrigation channels and pursued by a rather angry helicopter, which mowed the inexperienced Kobolds down as they attempted to ford the dikes. Only Tucker and a few of his better kobolds escaped to the garage area.

Meanwhile, a third group led by Krack the Kobold, dubbed the "sheep fuckers", went to despoil Timmy's favorite Sheep. They decided that this would be accomplished by disguising themselves as sheep. However, Krack and his pals were somewhat unclear on the concept, dressing themselves in goats's heads, strapping antlers, horns, and even feathers to themselves in a curious array capped off by the last kobold dressed up as the least hairy sheep dog in all of existence. Unsurprisingly, these kobolds were detected immediately and shot to pieces, Krack fleeing in terror, his bell bedecked tail jangling all the way back to the cover of the crags as his fellow kobolds were killed around him.

However, the most important task was left to his elite team: the theft of Timmy's prized Rolls-Royce. This they accomplished with panache, with a kobold named Henry Crokdockle firing himself out of a mortar and another named Jerry Crockdockle "rocket jumping" on an Iron plate up to the roof, where they quickly captured a heavy machinegun and turned it on the guards and proceeded to capture the garage. Despite a small timing mess-up on the explosives, they made it out of the garage mostly intact. However, the turret of the armored car they stole (in addition to the Rolls-Royce and a third car) had been jammed by the explosion in the garage, so once again Jerry and Henry went into action, jury rigging the machinegun to the back of the Royce.

Pursued by the helicopter which had finished cleaning up their kobold allies, Henry made a lucky shot through the canopy of the helicopter, severing the controls and causing it to spin right back into the sheep enclosure, exploding and killing many prized ewes. The kobolds, despite having taken 2/3 losses, counted this a major victory and rode off excitedly with their new prizes. A few days later, just as Aristom arrives back from his meeting, the extremely angry Timmy McKeough arrives to the "kobold stronghold" mentioned in the note tucker left behind. With a sheep alongside him in his armored car, flanked by tanks and accompanied by horsemen and motorized infantry, Timmy rides headlong into a trap. The kobolds and townspeople are all too happy to spring it...

### Chapter 5: Mines and Macho Men

Having secured the employment of Shiqun, Aristom hatches a plan: He will use his newfound allies to betray Jimmy McKeough and capture him. To do this, he asks Tucker's help in securing a mine site to lure him to. Happy, Tucker directs him to the Salazar Quicksilver mine, one of the most terrible places on Telrion to be sent to as a Kobold. The Salazar deposit is made of very weak rock, making mining quick, but the ore is so low in quicksilver by volume that the McKeough's force the kobold slave miners to burn the rocks and put them through a complex condenser which extracts the quicksilver from the vapor in the air.

Shiqun does her part and makes sure that Jimmy is nearby. Tucker offers a few of his better rabble rousers to go along and incite a general rebellion, including his new Lieutenant, Jerry. When Isra suggests that she could pose as a seller of Kobolds with Tucker's boys as the product, they initially refuse in anger. Things get tense as Isra begins to threaten the kobolds, but Pelvis, sensing a need, played an incredible rendition of *The Marseille* (A famed song among revolutionaries everywhere) which inspired the kobolds to go through anything for their cause.

They enter the camp together and are led to the mine's hotel/office, where Isra is met with a mine manager and his halfling scribe. She kills both and the guard outside, quietly. She then proceeds to murder everyone downstairs preparing a reception for Jimmy, including a DJ, whose last moment is a massive record scratch as Isra claws him apart. Satisfied, Isra reshackles the kobolds and they move on to assault the guardhouse, where Isra slashes the door guard while the kobolds immolate everyone inside with dynamite.

Taking this as the signal, Pelvis and Ivory Hands move out of their cover, Ivory hands blasting apart a machinegun nest before showing Pelvis (a halfling) that there is an unused mining mech laying in a shed they passed. Pelvis pilots the mech, takes a box full of dynamite and chucks it into the main barracks of both the kobolds and their overseers. Pelvis, unfamiliar with the mech, swirls around out of control, accidentally making a motion much like that of a shotput thrower and tossing the dynamite into the barracks, where Ivory hands shoots it to explode. It blows a bit of the roof off, and Ivory hands enters, shooting a guard handing out guns to his fellows, causing the guns to fall through the hole in the floor to the waiting kobolds. Having accomplished the arming, he proceeded out.

Isra, meanwhile, took the perhaps unwise decision to wallrun up the side of the guardpost and try to slice up the occupants of the gun nests on the roof. She managed to get rid of one gun crew, but slipped and fell over the machinegun and found herself caught in a spray of fire from the other one. Hit very badly, she tumbled over the side with one of the corpses and let Sallah snipe the remaining crew. Seeing this happen, Aristom moved to intimidate the other guards, which he did spectacularly, causing them to abandon their post and blow it up as they left. By this point, Jerry had organized the other Kobolds, and commandeered the mining rig, which Pelvis had just barely gotten to swing to a halt. Arming as many kobolds as he could and sending them around to incite a riot in the mines, he proceeded to drill though the thick doors defending the mine itself.

Isra, meanwhile, one arm blown off by the machinegun, had been feasting on the flesh and blood of her many victims, which allowed her to regenerate her arm. Ivory Hands investigated the refinery part of the mine, freeing the kobolds and rigging its boilers to explode with a pile of dynamite. The quicksilver vapor is so toxic that the kobolds can barely stagger out. The initial fight over, Ivory hands takes the time to reconcile the now incredibly bloody and terrifying Isra with Pelvis. After a rocky start, the recalcitrant Isra agrees to work with Pelvis and Pelvis agrees (after being offered part of Isra's share) to work with her.

Around 45 minutes later, Jerry and his Kobolds break the mine doors and rush in, storming the mines and liberating many of their brethren. 15 minutes after that, Jimmy arrives. He is accompanied by far more than Shiqun and her guards; Two trucks, an armored car, and an armored personnel carrier, each packed to the brim with McKeough soldiers. Aristom decides to take the APC first. Isra used her stealth powers to hide, but an excellent spot roll by the driver allowed him to make an attack. He missed, but Isra also failed to latch onto the vehicle, and as she was left in the dust. An armored mech hopped out the back and prepared to do battle with her.

Meanwhile Aristom attempted one of the trickiest shots thus far, going to shoot out the axles of the APC. At first he missed, reminding him of his current limitations, but soon after he was gratified by his success, blasting the front axle apart with a little help from Pelvis (who killed the driver) and his battle guitar. The APC went careening into the processing plant, which exploded killing or injuring all inside the vehicle.

Looking back over at the other end of the battle, however, things were not so good. The Kobolds had set up several stolen machineguns, but all but one of them had been knocked out of commission. Sallah was engaged in a vicious sniper duel with the head hunter of the McKeough's, a man named Peter van Kreuger, a famed big game hunter. When Pelvis looked over to see how his fight was going, he saw him knocked unconscious by one of Peter's shots. Desperate to save Sallah from soldiers approaching his position, Pelvis first tried to bury them by causing a lanslide by shooting rocks. When this failed, he resorted to the most annoying song he knew. Turning the distortion on his amps up to 11, he played the *Badgers Badgers Badgers* song at full volume, getting the attention of Sallah's would be pursuers.

Meanwhile, Isra was locked in combat with a mech. Slashing at it, she once again tripped over herself and found herself face to face with a machinegun and a drill, which knocked one of her arms off once again. Furious, she slashed the pilot to pieces
but she failed to notice the dead-man switch. The mech exploded, knocking her unconscious and blowing the other arm off. Bleeding incredibly fast with no arms left, Isra looked sure to die. But Aristom, quick thinking as always, rode over to her and started feeding her blood packs from his cooler as she lay there. Realizing that he was no good at healing, he propped her up against the cooler, slashed open all the blood packets, and, using her own arm (tenderly skewered through her) to keep her from slipping in, placed her so that she naturally drank from the blood-filled cooler. Isra faded in and out of consciousness, drinking and enjoying it when she could; it took every drop to stabilize her.

Meanwhile, Aristom went over to Jimmy's car and taunted him. Buff, muscly, and extremely battle high, Jimmy leapt out of his car and tackled Ivory Hands' horse to the ground. But before he could get to Ivory Hands, he shot Jimmy in the leg. Jimmy made one last attempt to throw himself onto Ivory Hands, to no avail. He flopped down and Shiqun's ladies quickly pinned him with their lances, serving him up to Ivory hands using their spears like chopsticks. Pelvis finished off the last of the McKeough guards, but a parting shot from Peter nearly killed him as he finished his solo
Too exhausted to pursue, Peter's motor was all they heard as he drove into the distance.

Jimmy's chauffer meanwhile informed Ivory hands that he was, in fact, a reporter for the *Daily Telranian* and interviewed Ivory hands about the fight at the mine.
He had apparently gone deep for an expose on the McKeough's but is happy to have stumbled into the scoop of the decade instead. Flushed with success, Ivory Hands and company moved Jimmy to a secure location and began interrogating him while Jerry and the Kobolds decided what was to be done with the mine.

### Chapter 6: Mine Your Manners

As Aristom and company do their thing, Timmy McKeough and his battlegroup move to challenge the Kobolds in their "Fortress" - a McKeough mine abandoned to the kobolds some months ago. Tucker has spent all this time waiting for a moment like this to happen — preparing the mine with traps, firing slits, boiling oil, and other nasty surprises for any attackers. Timmy, filled with rage at the desecration of his flowers and the threatening of his sheep (especially his favorite ewe, betsy)
came directly to the mine which was advertised to him (by the kobold raiders) as "the headquarters of the Kobolds of T".

In his van was the daredevil Armored Car of Max von Strecke (who was disappointed to see that the cowardly Kobolds had retreated into the mine, and therefore stayed out and was not killed), as well as several armored transports explicitly designed for in-mine operations, and the centerpiece of Timmy's armada: A giant drill-tank, built to drill straight through the mines, blasting kobolds all the way.

The fight was fierce. The Kobolds drew Timmy and his men deep into the mines with a false sense of security, then collapsed the entryways behind them. Tucker had placed dynamite in the torches lighting the empty first third of the mine corridors, which exploded as the first armored vehicles reached the kobold defenders. Beset by kobold demolitionists, flamethrowers, and rifles fired out of holes in the walls and ceilings, the first wave of attackers were driven from their destroyed vehicles and into "Trap Land" - a horrible mix of the strangest traps that came to the mind of Ko-bald, Tucker's mad master of mazes, who slowly and joyfully killed the dwarves.

Trap Land began with a grid of holes in the ground with narrow strips of normal ground on either side. The invaders quickly found out that these holes contained spears that shot up when something passed over them. They proceeded along the "safe" spearless strips along the sides. Above them in little shafts, kobolds poured boiling tar onto their heads. Some managed to spring away from the trap, and landed in the spears. Others were severely injured but okay. Then the kobolds dropped torches. Some attempted to retreat back and down a side corridor, but even that was trapped and a boulder rolled down it and blocked the exit.

Some of the dwarves managed to survive the onslaught of traps and moved onto the next section, which was conspicuously marked by a line in the ground. Passing over the line, a guillotine dropped out of the ceiling, severely injuring one of the invaders. Vaulting over the top of the fallen blade, the next section of what appeared to be stable ground was actually hiding a pit below and balanced on a fulcrum in the middle. The man plummeted unexpectedly into a pit of acid. Dozens of dwarves met their end trying to cross this quagmire. Only two made it across to the other side of the passage.

Meanwhile, groups of riot soldiers made their way up to the second floor in testudo, only to be met with boiling oil. Their passage slowed, they dragged their massive shields on the ground to keep a channel open for them to advance to meet the kobolds, who were driven back by the return fire of the advancing soldiers. The first wave in disarray, the second wave advanced, spearheaded by the massive Mine Gargant, with Timmy in the cupola egging his men on (and Betsy in tow).

The dwarves and men surged forward, driving the kobolds off with their own explosives and flamethrowers. The Gargant showed its power with its drill-flamethrower, which broke through the walls under the ramp to the second floor and ignited the entire corridor. Only by sheer luck did the demolitionists avoid being certainly burned to death. Yet, as Tucker quickly noted, this set a ticking time bomb until the oil met the flame and started a massive mine fire. The McKeoughs pressed on, the Gargant crashing through obstacles and driving the kobolds before it.

But elsewhere the Kobolds were handily beating the McKeoughs with booby-trapped machine guns, hidden explosives, and ambush sites. Only on the second floor were the McKeoughs in control. And here Tucker made his brazen move. Sacrificing his personal guards as a distraction, he made his way to the space in the ceiling over the Gargant, and blew a hole in the side of its armor. The Kobolds, inspired by Tucker and one of his lieutenants, Krunk, rushed the tank. Krunk clambered up the sides, throwing dynamite at Timmy and opening paths. His dynamite failed to reach Timmy, but blasted a dwarf coming out to repair the damage. He stole his sheet metal and valiantly charged Timmy Mckeough, only to be felled by bullets from his machine gun. Crying "You ewe Ew Ew!" Timmy pressed the hooves of his dear Betsy onto the machine gun, guiding her to blast poor Krunk to pieces.

Tucker tried again to hit Timmy, but had difficulty getting past his excellent armor and tough hide. One of his explosive darts hit Betsy, enraging Timmy further. With a melee raging inside the Gargant, dwarven defenders being swarmed by kobolds, it looked like victory was certain. But Tucker saw the oil meet the flame and the quicksilver heated up and began burning. The giant cloud of expanding poison approached the tank and Tucker knew he had little time. He called for his companion, Gerry, to storm Timmy's position. Tucker jumped down on Timmy, whose gun exploded as it double-jammed. Pinned by Tucker and deeply wounded, Gerry beheaded Timmy and handed the resulting trophy to his boss, claiming the sheep for himself. This was a bad move. As Tucker escaped down a side corridor, Gerry attempted to wrangle Betsy the sheep to the side, only for it to kick his face in, killing him instantly. Betsy wandered out of the mine with the rest of the kobolds, and it is yet unknown where she has gone.

The engagement was predictably bloody. Max and the remaining McKeoughs withdrew, taking as much equipment as they dared with them. They had lost 75% of their force in the mine explosion. Tucker had lost more, but came out victorious with a head and some new equipment for his kobolds. The tired kobolds could barely celebrate, but this would be a day remembered.

—

Some of the locals of Geat's Bail post some fascinating newspaper clippings to the board outside of the telegraph office:

Wanted Outlaw Turns Hero of Kobold Liberation!
The infamous ARISTOM ELDETH, formerly the most wanted man on Telrion, may yet see his star rise again. Dramatically leading a Kobold assault on a shipment to the local mine and following up with the extraordinary capture of Jimmy McKeough and the elimination of Timmy McKeough, “Ivory Hands” is back in business and this time he seems to be on the side of the little guys. One kobold interviewed claimed that Aristom could “shoot faster than a kobold on mine juice.”

Infamous rebel lieutenant Jerry Crockdockle reportedly was so awed by the performance of Ivory Hands that all he could say was “What.” Renowned doctor and psychiatrist Miles Guilford helpfully informed the *Daily Telranian* that “Aristom’s just this guy, you know?” Aristom himself makes no comment on his association with the kobolds, but wants to let everyone know that he is back and better than ever!

More news as it breaks from our special correspondant.

[Two pictures are attached. The first is of Aristom, Pelvis, Jerry, some kobolds, Shiqun, and the Telranians, all posing over the captured Jimmy McKeough. There is another of Aristom doing his shoot through cards trick. A third, inset, picture is an obviously staged picture of Pelvis and Aristom, guns blazing, on top of a storage shack.]

[The back of the story contains a somewhat bizarre ballad attributed to Pelvis]

Who is the mysterious Red Woman???
The plot thickens in the story of what some reporters are calling the most prolific serial killer of all time! *The Daily Telranian* has brought you non-stop coverage of the string of killings lasting nearly a decade thus far, but until now has never had a name to put to the elusive murderer! Thanks to some incredible on the front lines reporting, the *Telranian* now can put an even more mysterious name to the killer - THE RED WOMAN.

Surrounded by mystery, so stealthy that even the great gunslinger Aristom Eldeth couldn’t see her coming in a sparse saloon, this scourge of the wastes operates seemingly at random, sometimes appearing with a cohort of Telranians, sometimes alone, but always so deadly that no man nor beast could touch her. Shrouded in her Red Cloak, which apparently shimmers with the desert, masking her location, the red woman strikes both wide and deep, accounting by some reckoning for half or more of the unsolved murders even in the most populous towns of the inner circle. But now, a break in the case has emerged and none other than Eldeth himself, the outlaw gaining ever more fame and notoriety as a hero of kobold liberation, is hot on the trail of this woman. Soon enough, I, the great Dick Intrepid will have the full salacious story to sell across the cosmos!

Rewards for information on the mysterious RED WOMAN and her band will be offered at the GEATS BAIL TELEGRAPH OFFICE - CALL NOW

[The headline picture is an extremely blurry photograph of something that could very well be a woman, but is more likely to be the result of someone taking a long exposure picture of a billowing laundry line.]