Soy Boys

"*Soy sauce? I leave for one year. This is unbelievable.*"
―Skjöldr
Soy Boys is the 80th lesson of Internet Comment Etiquette. It was released on February 5, 2018.

## Summary

Bad Boy Salvia declares himself both a bad boy and a soy boy. But then he finds a video where Paul Joseph Watson is complaining about people eating soy.

Bad Boy Salvia walks the students through his day. First, he looks at Pitchfork every day and hates everything about it. Then he snapchats his bowl of edamame and posts a political rant on Facebook so he won't be a target during the revolution. Then he tries to watch a yoga video but then he sees a guy masturbating in it and realizes that he's on Pornhub.

He watches a video explaining the health benefits of soy, and it explains that the feminizing effects of soy are a myth and it can prevent cancer, so Bad Boy Salvia injects it into his butt. Then he watches a video where Faith Goldy saying that being feminine is bad and soy is the cause. He finds a bunch of sexist comments so he leaves a comment.

Next, Bad Boy Salvia eats some tofurky sausages and tofu cakes and uses his soy diet to win. One of his teammates makes fun of soy and transgender people, and it makes Bad Boy Salvia so upset that he turns into Skjöldr. Skjöldr is upset with the soy that has ruined the body he inhabits. He has Skjöldrbot find him something to help sew some chaos, and Skjöldrbot comes up with Mark Dice calling a kpop boy band soy boys and lesbians. He writes a short story about the event from his childhood, and then he plugs his book.

Then Lady Hair Erik tries to start a conversation about Betsy DeVos and freaks out Skjöldr.

## Comments

*Heey this shit don't apply to me I'm a bad boy soy boy I took so many red pills that I overdosed and my mom had to call an ambulance brah. If soy makes me such a pussy then explain all the threesomes I have with my 98 pound instagram model girlfriend and her other boyfriend who I'm okay sharing her with. Hey nice beard by the way, how many months did that take to grow out haaa? I'd sure love to see your testosterone numbers but the results might come back inconclusive because "kissy-pie twink" isn't a recognized scientific value brah. I dunno how they do it over there on fancy accent island but this is America where we have a long standing tradition of putting whatever the fuck we want in our mouths without worrying what Paul McCartney's dipshit nephew has to say about it. I wonder if Paul Joseph Watson could have ever guessed his career as a no-nonsense champion of independent journalism would lead to him bitching for eight minutes straight about dudes eating soy for a website that makes all its money selling homeopathic boner pills. And just in case you're wondering, soy did not give me these tits. The beer did that*
- Erik

*Hey fuck you pitchfork I'd rather stick a Morrissey album up my ass brah and eat a steak at the same time, so I can listen to them scream at each other when they meet in the middle of my guts, than be forced to spend another second watching this butthole of a video. I haven't seen a list this made up since reading about the negative effects that soy supposedly has in making you grow titty balls like big ol titties that come out of your balls and have nipples that you can milk and make titty juice come out. Has anyone else heard of this shit? Fat titties hangin off your balls that you slap around and if you cut em off they just grow back? Anyway keep your eyes on the skies people because that's where the government's hitting you from with their brain lasers that makes you enjoy superhero movies and Father John Misty songs you dumb fucks suck my titty balls hail satan*
- Erik

*Straight white men are a disease*
- Docta Moneystacks

*Hey I tried to pop a nut to this but couldn't concentrate because I'm so furious over the treatment of farm animals. Next time you sit down for some tyson foods chicken or whatever just know that those chickens were gross mutants bred in a lab to have six extra breasts and thighs growing from their torsos before someone walked into the room and kicked them to death for their weird green Dr. Seuss meat you fuckin bloodmouths. Anyway here's what my ding dong does (\_)\_)::::::::D~~~~~~~ thats jizz*
- Erik

*soy is garbage and you know it, shut the fuck up and go home, your a liar*
- brystonfan

*Hey you little bitch I eat so much soy that my asshole has developed ovaries and I get periods out my butt once a month but I could still nut on your face so fast that I forget what you look like, and there's a special nightmare waiting for you in your sleep tonight just ask my red queen*
- Erik

*Looks like I'm not the only bad boy in this comment section what's up dudes how bout them Eagles huh? Yo I had the worst date the other night, this chick asked to borrow my phone and she somehow found a way to look through my youtube comments that I've left, and brah I've left some crazy shit about "suck my dick" this and “sit on daddys lap” that, and so she freaked out at me. Now I'm as red pilled as the next guy here so obviously I smoked her with a left jab and dumped her down a trash chute before changing my name and moving to Belize. Hit this comment with a thumbs up if you wanna talk about how cool sex is or if you wanna talk about these big ass titties comin out of my balls**9/11*
- Erik

*Mark closed his laptop with a smirk. In only a few tweets, he had managed to put himself on the lips of the entire Korean peninsula. With the next few days, bloodthirsty liberal hound dogs would blog about it, spreading his name in fear. Mark resigned to a night of celebration.**He woke the next morning holding a note he didn't remember writing. Scrawled in black pen on a yellow square it read: “I’m on my way.” It was his handwriting, perhaps a mid-sleep rumination withered away into nonsense by the morning light. Mark focused instead on angry Koreans.**The next day brought even more outrage as Buzzfeed and Pitchfork took turns bleating like sheep about him. It also brought a new note, again in his handwriting. “I'm closer now,” it read. He flushed his ambien, certain they**The latest note was written in Korean, and Mark only knew this because he was suddenly able to read the words. “I've given you a final gift,” it answered his unspoken question. That night he installed a webcam in his room and slept nervously in fear of what he'd see on the tape.**The footage played back in night vision before him. The blogs were still complaining and he was gaining followers but Mark could only stare at himself on screen, writing in Korean with his eyes shut. “I’m here” it read. And with that came a knock at his door.**The knocking continued throughout the day. Always three soft, patient knocks. Mark suddenly knew what would happen when that door opened. She’d spoken it in his mind, laughing through bursts of static, and for the first time he'd felt the humbling silence of regret**Mark quickly set up his studio equipment. This would be the video that makes him famous, no matter the cost. As he prepared his video blaming KPOP fans for sending him a Korean ghost, he wondered if there was a smarter play in all this, for she was in his head now**As the knocking grew more and more violent, Mark conceded that his own words had got him into this mess, so they must get him out. He found those words coming back to him now, forming the tunnel with which he could escape this madness. He hit record, and began speaking**His filmed apology was accepted as a rare moment of grace from Mark, who awoke with a grumble from where he'd passed out at his desk. The note in his hand read “You just missed me.” His front door was wide open, wet footprints leading from outside, ending right out of arm's reach**Was it truly over? Mark slept soundly that night in the solace of not knowing the answer for once. The next day, with no note waiting for him, he decided it would be best to leave the Koreans alone and stick to pissing off black people.**The End*
- Skjöldr

## Video

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