Channel ∞

There is a legend circulating around the television industry. It is about Channel ∞. Channel ∞ is hard to get to, and reports vary as to what it actually is. I will tell you how to get there and then what to do.

Acquire a television, preferably with analog for the best experience, and the older the better.

Acquire a remote control. It does not have to go with the television you're using.

Turn on the TV, and set it to a channel that is static, or just a plain black screen if you are using a digital TV. Basically any channel you do not receive.

Leave the room for about three hours. If you have a significant other in the house, have them with you. It is also best to call over a few friends.

During those three hours, you should acquire a few items. I will list them in order from the most important to the least. Note: None of these are mandatory, but they help.

You will want:

* an item that you hold dear
* two handheld mirrors
* a firearm or other weapon
* a favorite book
* a mobile communications device
* a key
* a sledgehammer or pickaxe

After roughly three hours have passed, re-enter the room. Have everyone else wait outside the door.

Close the door.

Stare at the static or blank screen or whatever you set the TV to until you feel disoriented or freaked out.

Call the others into the room.

Give the item that you hold dear to the person that you care about the most in the room, then send them back out. If you did not grab an item that you hold dear, hug that person and whisper a secret in their ear.

Send them back out, and command them to not come back in no matter what until you open the door again. Note: This will be harder for them if there are more of them, but it will be safer for you if there are more people. Trust me.

Hold the mirrors so that one is reflecting the television screen into the other, and the second is reflecting you, so it looks as if the television is behind you. Stay like this until a question appears on the screen. If you did not grab the mirrors, then sit in a chair facing away from the TV until you hear a noise.

Grab the remote. There will be a question on the screen. Press channel up to answer yes, channel down to answer no. There will be anywhere from three to 26 questions, if reports are to be trusted. The questions will be anywhere from trivial to deep philosophic personal questions. Answer truthfully, or you will not succeed in reaching Channel ∞.

After the questions, one of three things will happen.

1. Your favorite show of all time will come on, but in the episode, all of the characters will be heart-wrenchingly killed.
2. A strange shimmery vortex will surround you, and you will be pulled into an alternate dimension. If you find yourself here, here's what to do:

You will find yourself in a twisted replica of your house. You will need to go to your room, where you will find the four items listed that you will need for this part. Take them. Exit your house. Outside will be a more evil-looking version of our world, with red sky, a grey sun, dark orange plants, and a ever-present thin vermilion mist. You must go to the nearest public building (i.e. a school, mall, gas station, etc.). Use the key on the door, and enter. The key will fit the lock. If you did not get a key, climb in through a window.

Upon entering, find a room with only one entrance. Sit down, and begin reading the book. If you did not get a book, just sit down and be bored/scared. You will hear footsteps outside of the door some time within the next hour. Don’t look up from the book. After you can no longer hear the footsteps, count to 250 out loud. Every 10 numbers, you will hear another footstep closer and closer to the door. Upon reaching 250, you will hear a knock on the door. If there are three knocks, open the door. If there are four, say “I forbid you” twice, and then open the door.

You will see a stone statue of someone you love deeply outside of the door. It could be a family member, best friend, romantic partner, or even a fictional character. Smash its head to bits with the sledgehammer or pickaxe. If it is a female, also destroy the left hand. If you did not get the hammer or pick, push the statue over.

Exit the building from the entrance you came in through. It will be night. Look at the moon. It will be either pink or green, and either full or half.

If it is:

Pink and half: pull out the phone and call your third most recent contact.

Pink and full: Pull out the phone and dial a random number. Before they pick up, bite through your tongue. (If you did not get the device, pretend to do the things above.)

Green and half: Strip off all your clothing and sprint back to your house. Don’t look behind you no matter what.

Green and full: To put it bluntly, you’re screwed. You’ll be dead within half an hour.

If it is one of the first three, you will wake up in front of the television and you can continue the ritual.

1. You will see a picture of your least favorite person or thing ever. This is where you use the firearm or other weapon. Break the TV screen with the weapon. It will then fix itself. Note: This is obviously the easiest of the three things.

After this, you will have reached Channel ∞. What you do now is up to you. If you go to the guide function, you will see shows listed such as "The Meaning of Life" or "How to Acquire True Love". Choose one. Note: The more people you have outside the door with you determines the revelations that are the shows. The more people, the better chance you have of seeing shows with more life-changing results. Or, if you keep watching the static, without going to guide or breaking eye contact with the television, you will see a series of images that will, if deciphered, reveal the answer to your greatest question. There are, at this point, many options, too many to write here. Just do what you feel like you must, and something will happen. The overwhelming majority of things will be good, but some will be bad. You may leave the room at any point. However, there are two catches. You may never speak of what you learned after accessing Channel ∞, and you may only reach Channel ∞ four times in your life.

I hope you find the experience enlightening.