SCP-000-j

SCP-000-J
rating: +542+–X

Item #: SCP-000

Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-000 is to be kept in its glass case in Prof. Snider’s office. If it is to be removed for study, it must be returned by the end of the day. Copies may be made of the contents. No purchases may be made from the artifact’s contents without Level 3 clearance and must be paid from one’s own pocket. SCP-000 and any copies made cannot leave facility grounds.
Description: SCP-000 is a full-color, 200-page catalogue printed on gloss paper. Front page reads “THE OFFICIAL SCP SALES CATALOGUE” in large red letters on the front, with a yellow star reading “Hundreds of bargains!” in the lower right-hand corner. In the center of the magazine is a picture of Dr. Jack Bright, smiling and holding what appears to be SCP-066 in his hand. When questioned, Dr. Bright insisted that he had never had such a picture taken.
The catalogue contains pictures and information on almost every single SCP artifact known, though the information on each object is written more like a sales pitch than an official document. Prices, item numbers and an order number are also listed.
The bottom of the cover reads “Our best issue ever!!!”, suggesting that there might be more issues of SCP-000 floating around. This is still being investigated.
Besides artifacts, SCP-000 also includes a list of SCP-related merchandise, including t-shirts, books, DVDs, and even video games and action figures, all of which are based off of known SCP artifacts, phenomena, creatures, and personnel. Administration denies ever authorizing the creation or distribution of the magazine or anything it sells.
Samples of sales pitches from the magazine include:
ITEM #063 - “The World’s Greatest TothBrush”
Don’t let the typo fool you: this toothbrush is out of this world! No toothpaste needed, just gently scrub your teeth and, like magic, all that nasty plaque is completely obliterated! And for those ground-in countertop stains, look no further than The World’s Greatest TothBrush! Available in blue, pink and green.
Price: $█.██
ITEM #123 - “Contained Miniature Black Hole”
Back in stock after so many requests, this black hole is guaranteed to spaghettify anything you throw at it. Great for science projects and parties! And what better way to say “I love you” than with the gift of a contained miniature black hole? Order now while supplies last!
Warning: contains small parts.
Price: $███.██
ITEM#244 - “Ice Fog Jar”
Why waste electric-bill money on expensive refrigerators? This jar will turn an enclosed space of any size into your own private meat-locker! Freeze whatever you want: just pop off the lid and watch it go!
Price: $██.███.██
ITEM #340 – “Insanity Candy”
A truly maddening prank! Trick your friends into eating these covert candies and watch them literally go out of their minds! Available in 5-packs.
Price: $██.██
ITEM #447 - “Ball of Green Slime”
What can you do with it? What CAN’T you do with it? Use it as a lubricant, top off your gas tank, style your hair, or even dress up your salads and sundaes! The possibilities are endless! Now available in blue.
WARNING: Do not apply to dead bodies.
Price: $██.██
ITEM #500- "Panacea"
Got Ebola? HIV? Cancer? Athlete's Foot? This pill cures 'em all! No malady is too incurable. OUT OF STOCK.
Price: $█,███,███,███.██
ITEM #551- “Impossible Puzzle”
Throw out your Rubik’s Cube and put down that crossword! This is the puzzle to end all puzzles! No-one in history has ever completed it, can YOU? Hours of fun!
Price: $██.██
Many of the sales pitches seem to suggest that some SCP artifacts are not the only ones of their kind, with phrases like “order two, get the third free!” and so on. However, when more than one item is ordered, the arriving package only contains the original artifact along with a number of mundane replicas of the same artifact.
Samples of merchandise related to, but not listed, as SCP artifacts include:
-A white cotton T-shirt reading “I Survived the Wrath of SCP-682”. Included a picture of SCP-682 on the front. Available in size S-XXXL.
Price: $██.██
-A 30.48cm (12in) SCP-076-2 action figure, with interchangeable wardrobe, accessories, and carrying case shaped like SCP-076-1. When questioned, SCP-076 expressed great distaste.
Price: $██.██
-A 2-disc CD titled “Dr. Clef’s Holiday Hits”. Cover depicts Dr. Alto Clef in a Santa outfit and holding a microphone. When questioned, Dr. Clef denied ever recording such an album.
Price: $██.██
-A 'Girls of SCP' pin up calendar, featuring Drs Palmer and Rights, Break, and SCPs 105, 336, and 166, all in various states of undress. All but Break claim to have never posed for such pictures.
Price: $██.██
-A 3-disc DVD set entitled 'SCP Brawl: The Greatest SCP vs. SCP Fights'. Cover depicts SCPs 076-2, 173, and 682. Each disc is 9 hours long and features various Keter level SCPs fighting each other, most of which have never been formally recorded or even attempted.
Price: $██.██
-Soundtrack of "FERNAND! The Musical". Contains two discs with ten songs each, many of which were of a violent or vulgar nature regarding SCP-082, some of which are apparently sung by SCP-082 himself. When questioned, 082 proudly boasted about his supposed past in musical theatre and the long hours he would spend preparing and method acting. The validity of these statements is debatable. SCP-082 is the current owner of the soundtrack (unofficially, as he has eaten the previous holder and refused to give it back).
Addendum: SCP-000 was discovered in Prof. Snider’s mailbox on ██/██/██. Though it was addressed to him, he insists on never ordering such a thing. No return address was found.
The following is a transcript of Prof. Snider’s attempts to gain any information on SCP-000 via the order number (███-████) listed in the magazine:
Document 000-01
Snider: Hello?
████: Thank you for calling the SCP Sales Catalogue. What would you like to order?
Snider: Who are you?
████: Your order, sir?
Snider: I’ll ask again: who are you?
████: What item number would you care to order, sir?
Snider: I’m not ordering anything! I demand to know who you are!
████: I’m afraid you have the wrong number, sir. Goodbye. (hangs up)
Snider: [DATA EXPUNGED]!
Note: The voice on the other end was described by Prof. Snider as a young lady with a British accent, speaking in a bored monotone.
Document 000-02
████: Thank you for calling the SCP Sales Catalogue. What would you like to order?
Snider: What is your name, young lady?
████: Your order, sir?
Snider: Can I speak to your manager?
████: I’m afraid I can’t understand your accent sir. Please speak more clearly.
Snider: I have the same accent you do!
████: If you have purchased from us before, you’re eligible for a free year-long subscription to our catalogue.
Snider: Madame, are you aware that what you’re doing is not only illegal, but the items you’re selling threaten the existence of reality as we speak?
████: Your order, sir?
Snider: For the last time, I am not buying anything from your bloody magazine! Who is your manager?
████: I’m sorry sir, you have the wrong number. (hangs up)
Snider: [DATA EXPUNGED]!
Document 000-03
████: Thank you for calling the SCP Sales Catalogue. What would you like to order?
Snider: I don’t want- (groans)
████: Sir?
Snider: Fine, we’ll do it your way. I guess I’ll order… SCP-005. That seems safe enough.
████: And how many would you care to purchase?
Snider: How many? There’s only one!
████: So that’s one order of SCP-005. Your total is $██.██. Will that be all, sir?
Snider: Alright, I’ve bought something. Now will you please let me speak to your manager?
████: Thank you for shopping with the SCP. (dial tone)
Snider: Son of a [DATA EXPUNGED]!
(The following day around noon, SCP-005 went missing from its containment area. Artifact was later found at Prof. Snider’s doorstep in a cardboard box addressed to him with no return address or postage. SCP-005 was returned to its original place and the money used to purchase it was deducted from Snider’s next paycheck. All further purchases from SCP-000 have ended in the same fashion. Attempts to trace the call have been unsuccessful.)