REV Finishes Strong, and Many Fall Prey To ‘The Coffin Corner’ of Watkins Glen

By Bandrew Aenson

2 hours ago | ASSCAR

8-minute read

The race on Monday at Watkins Glen was the epitome of what Formula D/ASSCAR is all about: Long-shot victories, sliding crashes, miraculous acts of engineering, and sudden clandestine sabotage. Ladies and gentlemen, this is motorsport at its finest.

Race Recap:

The limp drizzle of rain pattered down on the course in upstate New York as the race kicked off with an uncharacteristically slow and uniform start. Soon after Turn 1, however, the field began to spread out, with amnesiac conservative bad boy Ted Cruise overtaking Nobrakes for an early lead that he would keep for a majority of the race.

Despite expert cornering and control, Cruise was soon caught by Baggs, and the two vied for first, chewing through their tires, brakes, and chassis in the process.

McCool employed an experimental high-G wing design from Rev’s engineers that provided a jaw-dropping wall-riding capability, which he would liberally use as Baggs and Cruise duked it out. Nobrakes, an ever-consistent disappointment, yet again performed what fans are starting to call “the fourLOKO whiskey-dick”, having made pole position with a phenomenal qualifying lap only to somehow manage to fall back to dead last.

But, none was more remarkable than For Loki Racing’s K’Thaw Guardsley. After a lack-luster qualifying lap, Guardsley seemed to steel his reserve and channel all of the viking grit we’ve come to expect from FLO in order to pull to the front of the pack. Even with a mid-race steering malfunction causing him to relentlessly hug the right wall, Guardsley managed to avoid the carnage that would develop and finish strong in a 2nd place position.

(Editor’s Note: Guardsley is still under investigation by the Chicago PD and FBI as a chief suspect in the disappearance and murder of more than 50 women)

As the racers approached Turn 6 a spike strip was placed across the track by an unseen stranger about 200 meters before the finish line. This development necessitated on-the-fly strategy changes from the drivers, and in the confusion not one, not two, but three drivers would DNF.

Aston Fartin’, having fought tooth and nail to stay with the group, came out of Turn 6 too fast and lost wheel integrity, skidding out. But, this wasn’t before they were able to deploy what TP Kritter has deemed “tactical truck nuts” in order to take out nearby competitor Ted Cruise for the driver’s first-ever DNF.

Following close behind was Baggs, who overshot and burned through his brake pads, melting his axles and staggering to a halt on the track in what is becoming a worrisome string of failures for the stoic crowd favorite.

REV, FLO and 4LO would go on to take the respective podium positions, finishing out what proved to be a wildly unexpected race.

When asked one-on-one about his first DNF, Scuderia Calamari driver Ted Cruise had this to say, as the Mark of The Speed God glowed brightly on his neck:

“Continuing to race ASSCAR events in the rain is completely unconstitutional. The liberal frogs are trying to cancel me and censor our first amendment right to free speech on the podium after every race. We need to—Quiet! Stop screaming! I’m talking now!—need to drain the swamp and rid ourselves of weather frogs once and for all! See my plan to accomplish this at patriot1776.freedom.usa, and please make a donation if you love ASSCAR.”

Winner’s Circle:

I once again find myself in the thick, humid atmosphere of Rev My Engine’s sex dungeon HQ. I’m starting to like this place. Something about it excites me. Is it the consistent success and marvels of engineering that come out of this stable, or is it the nipple tassels? A question for another time.

After the 2023 TP Grand Prix in Nevada claimed the life of Rev My Engine Motorsport’s TP Carson, the team turned to former stock car racer and porn insider Cal Naughton, Jr. to take up the mantle of team principal. Naughton’s hiring coming so soon after the autoerotic on-track passing of franchise stalwart TP Carson was considered controversial by some fans, but with McCool’s victory under Naughton’s leadership at Watkins Glen, all complaints seem to have evaporated overnight. Now, seated across from me, the tight brown curls of his head, chest, and pubic hair shining in the dim light, is the man currently at the center of the ASSCAR world.

***Mr. Naughton, it’s a pleasure. TP Carson’s death left some big fuzzy handcuffs to fill, but that victory in New York was a pretty impressive opening for your career in ASSCAR. How are you feeling?***

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and all you good ol' ASSCAR fans out there, I gotta tell ya, tonight's victory, it's somethin' special. It's like a fine southern barbecue on a warm summer day, and we've been smokin' the competition out there on that track!

I wanna give a big shoutout to the guy who gave me this opportunity by biting it HARD, TP Carson, may god rest his sexy soul. This racing team has been through it all, from shakin' and bakin' to crashin' and dashin', and tonight, we showed 'em all who's boss!

I wanna thank our sponsors, Bad Dragon and Porn Hub, for keepin' us rock hard and ready to roll.

Time to celebrate this victory in true Talladega style, with some cold brews, a little country music, and a whole lot of good times. Remember, folks, in the world of racing, it's all about the speed, the teamwork, and a Bad Dragon product in your tailpipe.”

***Haha, I love the enthusiasm, Cal. Are there any differences in how Carson lead the team and how you’re planning on moving forward with Rev My Engine?***

“TP Carson was a legend and will get his name in the ASSCAR Hall of Fame in due time, a first ballot candidate for sure. Unfortunately, I think this is more about how the competition’s got shoddy cars versus how we’re actually operating. I hate to say it, but when it comes to Kisaragi’s fancy-schmancy European engineered car, it's about as useful as a screen door on a submarine compared to our good ol' American horsepower. I mean, ain't no way a car like that can handle the high banks of Talladega (**Editor's note: we believe he means the walls of Watkins Glen**) like our beast of a machine can. I'm sure that design was leftover from when TP Stocker was at the helm. It ain’t a wonder that he’s still out of a job!

Then there’s Scuderia. Their car may have all the bells and whistles, but when it comes to pure, unadulterated speed and power, it's like comparing a poodle to a pit bull. Our car's got the heart of a lion, while For Loki's car, well, it's more like a whining French house cat. And hell, I think fourLOKO shifted to first gear in the last turn they were so scared of actually goin’ fast. I do have to compliment the Aston Fartin vehicle with those bitchin' Truck Nuts, but it’s too bad the rest of the car was made of cardboard otherwise it may have posed a threat. So, the rest of you can keep sippin' your fancy lattes and talkin' in your fancy accents, but when it comes to racin' it's all about the good ol' red, white, and blue. Shake and bake, buddy!”

All that being said, Nevada wasn’t just tough for Rev My Engine alone: Kisaragi Heavy Industries F1 parted ways with TP Stocker over an unclear disagreement immediately following the 2023 TP Grand Prix. KHIF1 team owner Cecil Stegman was kind enough to answer some of my questions on the subject in-person, but the interview with him and my conversation with TP Naughton could not have been more dissimilar.

I was summoned to an empty wing of the towering Kisaragi Heavy Industries corporate offices, and as the elevator opened a spokesperson for media relations was there to greet me. I introduced myself and asked her name, but she just turned and quietly lead me to a far-off room down a long hallway. As I walked through the door, Stegman was standing in the far corner by a row of desks he’d repurposed as a private bar. A variety of alcohol bottles, some empty, were arrayed before him.

The spokesperson, my proxy interviewee, offered me a seat, then took one for herself, and began without a word from Cecil.

“Kisaragi Formula 1 has experienced some setbacks in the last races. That said, the circumstances of the most recent one are suspect. Why was a spike strip deployed? And in the TP Grand Prix in Nevada why was TP Carson allowed to slowly die on the track without assistance? Despite these conditions, Kisaragi remains in the middle of the pack and has strategies in place for the next race.”

***OK… I was under the impression that we’d be discussing TP Stocker’s depar-***

“BURRRRP.” Cecil chimed in from his bar.

The spokesperson blinked, then continued,

“TP Stocker’s departure was an amicable separation. After his last performance all parties agreed it was prudent to begin the search for a new team lead. That said, his disappearance has all of us at Kisaragi Formula 1 and Kisaragi Heavy Industries concerned.”

***Wait, what? Stocker’s missing?***

She went on,

“We are all praying for a discovery of his whereabouts soon. Any questions you have for him can best be answered by the man himself when he resurfaces. That will be all.”

The nameless corporate entity then stood up, smiled, and gestured toward the door. I took my cue, and as I shuffled out I cast a glance toward the team’s owner, who appeared to have quietly vomited on the floor some time in the last two minutes.

With a string of recent crashes, and now the disappearance of yet another of the corporate powerhouse’s team members, there are indeed interesting times ahead for Kisaragi, and for ASSCAR.

——

Next-up: the 8th race of the season in Lexington, Virtucky.

## Out of Game:

This article was written by Max Tague, Richard Shook, Dave Carson, and Mikey Stocker.