Celebirthsary

Happy celebirthsary!

We all forget important dates and holidays, but what if everyday was a holiday? Watch as Matt tries to figure out what his wife is celebrating before she finds out he doesn't know.

## Plot

The sketch opens with Matt Meese and Jason Gray walking into the former's house, where they find a bunch of random decorations all over the living room. Matt gets nervous upon seeing this, realizing that his wife put them up because they're celebrating something today, which gives him a problem: he doesn't know what they're celebrating today. Jason suggests thay they use the decorations to work out what it is, but Matt shuts the idea down by pointing out that his wife always makes the decorations ambiguous so he can't use any context clues, pointing out a sign that says 'YAY'. The two suggest the possibility of it being Matt's wife's birthday because of some balloons, or a couple of bizarre anniversaries the two had because of some chocolates, Jason notes how complicated the mystery it is after seeing another box of chocolates, some party poppers, a Christmas tree, and a piñata, and Matt refuses to rule out certain holidays, even when Jason points out that it's not Christmas.

That's when Matt's wife (Mallory Everton) arrives, and greets the two, before asking Matt is Jason is a guest. A now scared Jason leaves the house, forcing Matt to handle the situation alone. When the wife asks Matt what he has planned for today, he decides to have them both go to Olive Garden alone together. It seems like Matt is off the hook, until his wife asks him the question he was dreading: what they're celebrating. Realizing that there's no weaseling his way out, Matt gives up, and outright admits that he doesn't know, before asking her what they're celebrating. That's when the wife suddenly reveals that they're not celebrating anything today, and that it was just a test to see if Matt could remember anything important, which he unintnetionally did by remmebering that there was nothing to remember today. The sketch ends with her leaving the house, suggesting that this be celebrated next year, as Matt destrays the piñata with the TV remote.

## Transcript

Matt: ...every time! And then I said-- I am a dead man.
Jason: That story took a weird turn.
Matt: No, no, no, no!
Jason: Matt, what’s wrong with you?
Matt: Decorations, Jason, my wife must have put these up!
Jason: So, what’s the problem?
Matt: I don’t know what we’re celebrating, Jason! Is it a birthday, an anniversary, a bar mitzvah, what is it? I can’t keep track of all these happy occasions.
Jason: Okay well, let’s just look at the decorations, and see if we can guess what it is.
Matt: You don’t know her, she is diabolical. She deliberately makes all the decorations ambiguous, so that I can’t use any context clues. Just look at this sign!
Jason: Okay, well there’s some balloons over there, so maybe it’s her birthday?
Matt: Ah, but there are also chocolates, so maybe it’s our anniversary, or the anniversary of our first kiss, our first date, the first time we ate refried beans as a couple, the woman celebrates everything!
Jason: Okay well, let’s just calm down, we got a box of chocolates here, some party poppers, a Christmas tree, and… a piñata? She’s good.
Matt: Right? I need to think.
Jason: Well, I think we can rule out Christmas.
Matt: We rule out nothing!
Jason: But it’s the middle of the year?!
Matt: Nothing, Jason! The only safe we to do this is to remember what she wants to celebrate.

Mallory: Hello, honey.
Matt: Hello… sweetheart.
Mallory: I’ve been waiting for you.
Matt: Yes.
Mallory: I see you’ve brought Jason over.
Matt: Did I? Hello.
Mallory: Do you think it’s appropriate to have guests...
Matt: I could have him leave…?
Mallory: Or is he the first of many guests to be arriving this evening?
Jason: I’m going to leave you now. I’m not even gonna make up an excuse why. I’m just really scared. Good luck.

Mallory: So, dear, what’s the plan for this evening?
Matt: Dinner.
Mallory: Ooh, should we go out or stay in?
Matt: In.
Mallory: What are we having? Home cooked meal by candlelight, a pizza or this cake? “Happy Day”.
Matt: On second thought, let’s go out.
Mallory: Would you prefer McDonald's or that new French restaurant?
Matt: Olive Garden.
Mallory: Hm, a place that can pass for both fancy and casual, well played. Will anyone be meeting us there?
Matt: I thought just the two of us would be nice.
Mallory: Will there be a gift exchange or will just one of us be giving a gift to the other?
Matt: I only desire the gift of your company, my love, but if you feel otherwise...
Mallory: No, no, that’s very sweet and very ambiguous.
Matt: Should we be going then?
Mallory: Just one more question, darling. What are we celebrating?
Matt: You don’t know?
Mallory: I didn’t say I didn’t know, I asked if you knew.
Matt: Alright, fine. You want to hear me say it? I have no idea what is special about today. It’s not our anniversary, it’s nobody’s birthday, half-birthday or quinceañera, neither of us got an award, or a promotion, or adopted a whale today, you’re not pregnant... You’re not pregnant, are you?
Mallory: No.
Matt: You’re not pregnant! And I would go so far as to say that there is not a holiday in the world that’s observed on this day. The closest celebration I can think of is next week when we’ll celebrate the anniversary of when we first got cable, which is actually one that I really support. So tell me, what am I missing?
Mallory: Nothing.
Matt: What now?
Mallory: It was a test. By remembering that there was nothing to remember today, you unintentionally proved that you remember everything that is actually important. I’m so proud of you, honey. We’ll have to celebrate this next year.

## Trivia

* This sketch was uploaded on Valentines Day, after Season 1 had aired.
	+ This is one of two sketches to be uploaded on that day, together with Shakespearean Therapy.
* This is the second sketch in a row to only feature members of the Main Cast.
	+ This is also the second sketch in a row to feature only three Cast members.
* This is the first sketch since Bashful E-mail where Whitney (Call) Meek doesn't appear.
* This is the fifth sketch in a row to be directed by Julian Riley.
* Named and referenced holidays and events include Christmas, Halloween, Cinco de Mayo, Independence Day, Easter, Mardi Gras, Super Bowl, Valentines' Day, a tailgate party, a birthday, an anniversary, a bar mitzvah, a quinceañera, and Canada Day.