243: His Current Loincloth

## Summary

At dawn, the party arrange themselves variously on lizards and in Gwen's folding boat and set off on a journey of several days towards Beartoggle. On the way they deliver the last surviving umlaut Jerome to a neighbouring umlaut settlement, and the group pass the time in their own ways. A few days into the trip, Gwen takes Will to one side and attempts, unsuccessfully, to get to know him better.

## Synopsis

It's dawn and the party are preparing to set sail down river to Beartoggle. Will is still upset they're not using the folding boat. He can't believe that despite having offered to row, Gwen is still being selfish and not letting them use it. Sheemie says he knows how to use a boat. *"I can be the Puzzle Master and the boat guy"* he says. Gwen says *"If you guys want to use the boat, then let Hilula come with me."* Will's actually fine with that, as long as Gwen doesn't disappear off and lose Hilula again. Mo insists they ask Batthwack too, since he helped catch Hilula. He says he's also fine with it, as long as there's no killing. When Gwen asks what he means, he says *"I don't want to antagonise her any more than we already have."*

There's limited space on the boat, but Mo gladly offers to ride a lizard. Raphina suggests she and Batthwack both go on the boat together. *"What?"* says Batthwack, doing a double-take. Gwen asks Hilula is she'd prefer to go on the boat or a lizard and the halfling dryly replies *"A boat of killers or a lizard? Hmm. I'll think about it."* When Raphina points out how sarcastic she's become lately, Hilula reminds everyone how she's been threatened with murder and actually nearly killed in the last 24 hours. *"I feel so bad for you and your little betraying self"* says Will. Sheemie offers to captain the boat and Will agrees.

Gwen gets out the boat box, and setting it down, she pauses, as a thought comes to her. Instead of saying *"Ding"* like last time, she says *"Dang"* and watches as the boat unfolds, and unfolds some more, and keeps unfolding, and even when it reaches the size of the boat they had last time, it keeps unfolding until eventually, tilted on its side, sits a 24-feet long ship, 8-feet wide and 6-feet deep, with a deck, rowing seats, five sets of oars, a steering oar, an anchor, a deck cabin and a mast with a square sail. This much larger ship can comfortably hold 15 medium-sized creatures, but it's immediately obvious that it is far too big to sail down the river here. The group stand agape in front of the ship for a moment before Gwen says *"I wasn't expecting that!"* *"Try 'Dong'!"* shouts Raphina and no sooner has the word left her lips than the ship folds up back into a box.

Gwen says she's going to refrain from using that word again soon and says *"Ding"*, causing the box to unfold into the smaller version of the boat, which then floats in the river beside them. Sheemie, immediately assuming his role as captain, welcomes them all aboard. Will can't get on quick enough, closely followed by Raphina. He reaches out a hand to help her, but she springs aboard athletically with ease. Batthwack and Mo opt for a lizard each, while Gwen and Hilula mount another lizard together. The lone umlaut boards the boat.

*"Who's the coxswain?"* calls Gwen as they cast off. *"It's pronounced coxon!"* shouts Raphina authoritatively and simultaneously, from one of her pouches, she pulls out a little sailor cap kept from her ferrying days, and dons it. It's seems she is in charge. She suggests Will could be the bosun. *"It means you blow the whistle"* she says. Will thinks this could a job he's good at, but looking around he can't see a whistle. She hands him an oar instead and they set off.

During the first day's journey, the umlaut looks somewhat depressed, very deep in thought and not really connecting with the rest of the group. Will talks to him a little bit; he's feeling suspicious of course, but only finds out that the umlaut's name is Jerome, his entire family were killed in the attack, and the neighbouring village are friendly with his tribe, so he's hopeful they'll take him in. At the end of the day, they reach the point on the river at which the umlaut had said the neighbouring tribe would be. Here he disembarks, makes his way into the woods and leaves them all behind.

The river journey continues uneventfully over the next few days. Along the way, Will takes some time to investigate the items he retrieved from the "Confiscations" room at the *Tomorrow Today* office in Morrow's Inlet, namely a piece of amber with a hydra in it, a small golden sphere with crumpled silver wings, an amulet of an arrowhead on an iron chain suitable for a giant, two potions, a wand and a magical ring. He discerns that both potions are drinkable, and that one has something to do with fire and the other is likely a healing potion of some kind. He also comes to the conclusion that the amber hydra, the golden sphere and the pendant aren't magical, though the ring and wand definitely are. He identifies the ring as a *Ring of Jumping* but unsure about the wand, he hands it to Raphina who certainly appears to know a lot about animals. She identifies it as a *Wand of Charm Animal*, so Will suggests Raphina keep it, saying that he's not really interested in it unless it can save his life. Raphina says she'll do her best to save his life with it at some point.

Having run out of homemade treats, Gwen uses her time during their regular stop overs to go foraging, finding berries, savoury leaves, edible flowers, and even a bee hive.

While lizarding down river, Batthwack passes the time enjoying looking around at the river, the trees and the sky. During their breaks, he tries a little Bufflin Whiskey, sharing it around with anyone who wants to try some. He also looks at the pottery that he got from Roger, even trying it out as whiskey tumbler, and also finds time sharpen his sword.

Raphina does some sewing, mending some damage to her *Cloak of Elvenkind* and making some clothing for Batthwack. She feels sorry for him, now that he's small, he only has the clothes he's wearing, so she makes a woollen one-piece suit for him. She also quizzes Sheemie, asking him about any traditional foods he had, what spices they used in Morrow's Inlet, jotting them down to work on some new tea recipes.

Mo spends most of his time riding on his lizard. He seems to be able to go quicker than the others and generally seems to enjoy it. He also mentions a couple of times how excited he is to see the Aeonian Anglerfish. Sheemie generally spends his time getting to know everyone and ingratiate himself with everyone. He seems to have a good sense of when to give people space too.

At another point during their river journey, Gwen spends some time investigating her magical purple pouch. She pulls out a chocolate penis, and carefully bites off the tip. It tastes great, just the way she used to make them back at the candy store. She doesn't feel any ill effects, so wonders hopefully to herself that maybe the pouch isn't so bad after all.

On one of the days, Gwen manages to find a moment when Will is on his own, on his way back from a pee break. She stops him, and awkwardly asks if he's got a minute, saying *"I don't feel like we've ever gotten a chance to talk."* She explains she's worried that Will doesn't trust her and asks if there's anything she can do to help that. *"I don't feel like I distrust you. But I don't want* anyone *around"* explains Will. Gwen can't understand how he can be so on edge all the time. He says that there's nothing anyone can do. *"Everyone's presence is putting me on edge! I don't belong here!"* He explains that he's out of his element here. He belongs in a city, where there's pavements and the indoors. Gwen says she's not comfortable here in the woods either, but she's making the best of it. Will says he's just living his life, but isn't comfortable around strangers. *"I don't know any of you. And you don't know me."* He says he'll be fine when he gets back to Tivoli.

Gwen suggests it might help if Will shared a bit about himself. He replies *"I don't think anyone wants to know anything about me."* He says they all have things they don't want to share, but Gwen insists she'll tell him anything he wants to know. Will's not convinced it will help him feel any more comfortable. Gwen tries a different approach, reminding Will how she helped him deceive Crumplemeyer and Will says *"It's good to know that I can rely on you for lying and killing people."* Gwen says she doesn't lie and she's not a murderer, and this reminds Will that Crumplemeyer was her first kill. Gwen says that if she's being wholly truthful then she must admit he wasn't the first. She explains that her clan were great warriors and her brother and father killed many. Will asks who she killed, if she didn't take part in the wars. A long awkward silence follows before Will points out, *"See? It's not fun to share. Don't ask questions in the woods!"*

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Abby, who, having just identified Will's wand as a *Wand of Charm Animal*, says *"Well, I was really hoping that this was gonna be a needle I could use to sew some new clothes for Batthwack, since he's short now and doesn't fit his current loincloth."*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: honorable.

## References

1. ↑ See https://wikidiff.com/boatswain/coxswain
2. ↑ See episode 211: Disco is Dead, Batthwack!
3. ↑ While wearing the *Ring of Jumping*, the wearer can cast the *Jump* spell as a bonus action at will. The spell triples the target's jump distance.
4. ↑ The bearer can cast *Animal Friendship*. It has three charges that reset every day.
5. ↑ Batthwack was gifted a clay bowl made by Roger, stamped with his mark, a waterfall not dissimilar to the symbol on Batthwack's chain.
6. ↑ Raphina collected her cloak from Strahd's expensive cape collection in Castle Ravenloft. See episode 148: Cooking With Raphina