Machete The Macabre(pilot episode)

**Machete The Macabre** is the first episode and series premiere of the upcoming tv series.It is scheduled to premiere on July 11, 2016.

## Synopsis

Cailaca finds a aztec book which she uses to summon a half human half demon teen named Machete,but she falls into Santa Ynez.

## Characters

### Major Characters

* Machete Bender
* Cailaca Cortez
* Angie Bender
* Rafael Bender
* Bebe Bender
* Azucar
* Scarlett
* Estersa

### Minor Characters

* Lucifier
* Molly
* Mr. Rodriguez
* Mailaca Cortez
* Grandpa
* Paulito
* Aliyah Cooper
* Ramon Cortez(picture)

## Transcript

* [ominous music]
* [acoustic guitar playing]
* Grandpa:Oh, hello there, friend.Welcome to El Paso where our number one export is bonito. Do you like pie?
* Grandson:Grandpa, why are you talking to a parking meter?
* Grandpa:Cause we're on a date, and I think she likes me.
* [guitar playing resumes]
* Azucar:Oh, sorry. I accidentally dropped my juice box on the back of your head. [grunts] [laughing] Oops.Clumsy.Hey, look what we made with our rainbow looms, Cailaca. What'd you make with yours? A friend? [laughing]
* Estersa:All right, mujer joven,hand over the skull toy.
* Cailaca:It's a mace, Tammy. An ancient weapon used for bludgeoning infidels and women who learned math. Like you!
* Estersa:Cailaca, sugar skulls are for the deceased only. And now, you'll have to spend the entire day with me at work. Cailaca, you've gotta stop getting bullied.Paulito can only cover for me so many times. Ugh, thanks for covering, Paulito, as usual.
* Paulito:Any time, Estersa. Oh, and the boss came by and hit on you again. You thought showing him your hairy armpits would turn him off, but it only made him hornier.Anyway, you let him get to second base.
* Estersa:Cailaca, I know school is hard. But, I bet if you tried, you and Azucar could be friends.
* Cailaca:Friends?That blonde haired hooker is my mortal enemy! Forget it, Tammy.You don't get me. Nobody gets me.
* Estersa:Hey, I heard  the funeral directors put new glue traps in the mausoleum.Maybe you should check out to see if they caught any rats?
* Cailaca:Ooh, do you think any of them chewed off their own legs to escape?
* Estersa:Yeah, maybe.
* Cailaca:Yes! More rat parts, I can finally make a necklace!
* Estersa:She doesn't have a father.
* Cailaca:Ooh Aww.What is that? Whoa! Malo culo.
* Mailaca:Hey, I heard you go to the cemetery again, you butt-licks.
* Cailaca:[very quickly] Perra on fire says what?
* Mailaca:What? AAAH!!! Cailaca lit me on fire again!
* Estersa:Stop, drop, and roll, carino!
* Mailaca:Ugh!Cailaca, you're ruining my life! [smoke detector beeping]
* Cailaca:Words? Ugh! Lame. [chanting in aztec] That hurt so much! What else can you do, book?  [chanting in aztec]  Aww, now I miss it.[chanting in aztec] Cool!  Uh-oh.Yes, yes, yes! A half human half demon? I could totally go for one of those.[chanting in aztec][growling]
* Machete:More virgins for everyone! Oh, top-notch orgy, huh, Scarlett?
* Scarlett:Yes, my lord.You really forced them into it this time.
* Machete:Oh, I sure did.Hey, why don't we have all my guests- executed.
* Scarlett:Executed!
* Machete:Oh my god, it's like we share the same brain!
* Women:[screams]
* Machete:Oh, Scarlett, nobody gets me like you do.
* Scarlett:Oh master, I would gladly give my life for you.
* Machete:You know what, when I get back from taking this leak, I might just take you up on that offer....,sidekick
* Scarlett:[screaming]
* Machete:[laughs] Work through it, work through it.Yeah, okay.It's not a good orgy if it doesn't burn after.Ahh Ay Dios Mio.[screams]
* Cailaca:[groaning] where am i Whoa!
* Machete:What is going on?
* Cailaca:Ay Dios Mio! Ow!
* Machete:Que Demonios? You there! The sexy thing giving me the bedroom eyes.Tell me where I am, and I willreward you with the most forgettable copulation of your life.Wow.Am I in the all jerk dimension?
* Cailaca:Pretty much, yeah.
* Machete:What?
* Cailaca:You are in Santa Ynez, beast
* Machete:Beast? I'm no beast. For I am Machete, the Macabre! Godlord Terrible of Hell! Crusher of Wills! Impregnator of the Unimpregnable!
* Cailaca:Awesome! I am Cailaca Cubruita Cortez! Holder of soccer participation trophy! Master of the Mexican accent! Googler of "what is blood?"!
* Machete:Impressive color scheme.
* Cailaca:Yeah, well, I made it out of sugar skulls.
* Machete:In Hell we only use sugar skulls for the deceased.Now, tell me, how did I come to this place?
* Cailaca:I found this grotesque book that spoke to my soul, and I used it to summon you.
* Machete:Wha? You have the legendary Aztec tome of the dead? - Where is it?!
* Cailaca:I keep a diary a secret, which is where I hide all the embarrassing secrets I'm supposed to take and other things that are complicated objects for me.Do you wanna come over?
* Machete:Sure.Take me to my house, little boy.
* Cailaca:Good, come on.By the way, I'm a girl.
* Machete:Really? Ugh!
* Cailaca:Yeah, that's not even the good part! - And then, when she opened her locker and  the dead squirrel's rotting carcass fell right on her ugly face.
* Cailaca and Machete:[both laughing]
* Machete:One time, I buried a village of elders up to their necks and let mexican beetles feast off their face flesh.
* Cailaca:[laughing] Machete, together, we're gonna fulfill my school counselor's prophecy, and unleash a bloody reign of terror on this town! [bike bell rings] Do-do-doo! We have arrived, m'lord.
* Machete:Clever. Disguising my new house as a piece of crap to ward off invasion, no doubt.
* Rafeal and Angie Bender:Sorpresa Happy 19th Birthday Machete Bender![screams] There's a monster in our house! Ay, Guadalupe, what are we gonna do?
* Cailaca:You must demonstrate your mortal worth to my dark lord, and prepare us a feast of toaster strudels! The ones with fresa! [screams]
* Machete:Did somebody say something about fresa toaster strudels?
* Angie:So, Caillie tells me you're some kind of gosh lord? - Oh, I'm so, so sorry.
* Machete:Ooh.You know, your bottom is rounder than your face would suggest.
* Angie:Oh, I don't know about all that.But, I have been going to Patty's step class at the Y.It's intermediate.So, you planning on being in town for a while?
* Machete:No. As soon as Cailaca retrieves my tome, - I shall return to Hell forever!
* Cailaca:Forever? But, we haven't yet slaughtered the innocent. Machete, the book! It's gone!
* Machete:What?
* Cailaca:Somebody must have stolen it, or something.
* Machete:No! Without that tome, I'm stuck in this fetid dimension!
* Angie:You know kids, when I lost my parking clicker, I filed a missing property report down at the town hall.
* Machete:Then we must go to your hall of town, posthaste!
* Cailaca:Battle cry!
* Bebe:Mom! You said you'd never bring a incubi boy home again!
* Angie:Oh, Machete? Oh, we adopted him when he was a baby.[laughs] He's certainly, uh a possibility.I wouldn't kick him out of bed.I would not.
* [man scream sound effect]
* Mr. Rodriguez:As we are all aware, there is another dog trapped in the mall.Now, I think the Bonito thing to do would be to give him a name.I was thinking "Dog Bill o'Reilly.[applause] Yay! I did it again.
* Machete:Attention, members of El Paso And cower before Machete the Macabre! I, the Godlord Terrible of Hell, demand the return of my tome, or I will kill everyone! Even you[roars]
* Mrs.Pumpernickel:Young man,If you want to file an official missing property report, you have to fill out a standard D13.
* Machete:Give me that! Let me see here All right, name.Yeah, got that.Social security.Uh, I'm gonna have to call home for that one.All right, yeah, this seems pretty straight forward.I accept your challenge, very attractive ogre! [laughing]
* Cailaca:That's right! Machete's taller than most architects planned for.Ha-ha-ha Oww!
* Bebe:The worst part, Lucifier, Is my mother's host daughter will probably move in, and act like she's my sister, but she'll never be my sister!
* Lucifier:Sounds like your mom's new daughter's got to go.Bebe, hand me my num-nums.
* Bebe:Oh, Lucifier.You're so popular.
* Machete:Sup?
* Lucifier:Sup? Seems like a pretty nice girl.It'll be hard to accept her into your family, but, in time, you will learn that she cares for you.And one day, you'll surprise yourself when you call her "Sister.
* Machete:The nunchuck delivery guy is weird.Ay, Dios Mio! You're not done yet? If Scarlett were here, I'd be like, "fill out that form!" And she'd be like, "boom, it's already done.Can I kill any of your husbands for you? Something like that?" That Scarlett, she's like the best acolyte or sidekick ever.
* Cailaca:Acolyte? What's an acolyte?
* Machete:Uh, it's like an apprentice, you know, with no chance of being promoted, and who I can blame stuff on.
* Cailaca:Oh my god, that's awesome.Hey, um, Machete.Do you think I could ever be your acolyte?
* Machete:[snoring] Oh, Scarlett, you're the best sidekick.
* Cailaca:I guess there's really no rush on this.Looks like you're gonna be here for a while.Good night, dark lord.Thank you for saving me from a lifetime of danger [muffled scream] Help! I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't -Okay Machete do you promise not to call Scarlett her sidekick or worse.
* (Cuts to a flashback of Scarlett at her school in New York)
* Machete: (Voice over) After She had left, She decided to compete in the killing contest in order to make some new friends. I impressed everyone with her cleaver, which won 1st prize.
* Cailaca: (Voice over) A cleaver?  Is that where demons came from?
* Machete: (Voice over) Yes!  At first it was all nice.  But when it saw that the others only noticed her and not me, i was mad. I was so mad that i snuck away from her and decided to cause trouble on the other students and blaming her for it.
* (Cuts back to Cailaca)
* Cailaca:Scarlett is your sidekick!  But she didn’t look traumatized or anything like that when she arrived.
* Machete:That had me confused too.  Anyways, back to the story.
* (Cuts back to Scarlett's flashback)
* Machete: (Voice over) I kept torturing everyone so much that i became all evil.She decided that that was enough and decided to sent me back to hell.
* (Flashback Ends)
* Cailaca:I'm sorry, okay? I'll give you your book.[gasps] The tome is gone! It was in my backpack.Somebody must have stolen it.
* Machete:For real this time.Ugh, what an emotional roller coaster! Who stole it?
* Cailaca:How am I supposed to know? I can't even solve the mystery of how babies are made.
* Machete:I wasn't asking you.I was asking the backpack.[roars]
* Backpack:Hello, demon boy.
* Machete:Tell me, who stole the tome, backpack?
* Backpack:Uh-uh-uhh.First, the little one has to do something for me.
* Cailaca:What do I have to do?
* Backpack:I want you to build me a wife.Out of canvas and nylon.
* Cailaca:That's stupid.
* Machete:Shut up, Cailaca! Everyone deserves love! - It's a deal.
* Backpack:Excellent.The thief you seek is
* Azucar:Girls, guess what I just stole? Cailaca's diary.Let's read it tonight at my slumber party.
* Machete:The Azucar Cooper.has my tome? She's, like, the meanest girl in middle school!
* Cailaca:That's right, and we're going to that little turd's slumber party to get your book back.
* Machete:Now, remember the plan.Once the house is engulfed in flames, you run in, find the tome, then toss it out the window as you're being burned alive.
* Cailaca:Um, of course I remember, because it was my plan in the first place.
* Azucar's Mom:Hello? Is anyone out there?
* Machete:We're so dead.
* Cailaca:[whispers] Relax.I've got a backup plan.
* Machete:Uh oh
* Azucar:Cailaca! What are you doing here? [girls chuckling]
* Cailaca:I was so terribly sad I wasn't invited to the party, and also, I don't have a father, and it's my birthday, and I dropped my ice cream cone.
* Azucar's Mom:Oh, sweetie, you are so pathetic.Now, Azucar., inviting Cailaca into a home that doesn't reek of poverty would be the Bonito thing to do.
* Azucar:Of course, Mommy.We have an extra princess tiara that would look adorable on Cailaca.
* Cailaca:[shivers]
* Machete:[whispers] Caillie, you don't have to do this.
* Cailaca:[whispers] Yes, I do.[normal voice] Great.I've always wanted to be a stereotypical child princess.
* Azucar:[laughs fiendishly] Look out, look out, the sun coming out look out, look out, for the sunshine everybody's gonna have such a good time.[Girls texting] Cailaca, looking for your diary?
* Cailaca:[gasps] Give me that, pageant wench!
* Azucar:Girls, it's time to find out if Cailaca still wets her bed or which boy she wants to kiss - or which girl.
* Machete:Hey [whispers] Read page 36!
* Cailaca:Please, whatever you do, just don't read page 36, which details my ongoing battle with sleep-walking.It's embarrassing.
* Azucar:Ooh, look at that.I randomly just turned the page to 36."[chanting in aztec"]? What the heck does that mean? Aww! Oh, how cute! Come here, little guy.
[roars] Aah!
* Cailaca:Ahogarse en la pesadilla que es su patética realidad, perras!AAAAAah!!!!
* Azucar's Mom:Hey, what's going on in here?
* Machete:[laughs] I love page 36.
* Cailaca:Yes, yes! [laughs] Oh my god, that was so awesome! I even have chunks of Azucar in my hair.I'm never washing it again.
* Machete:I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying.
* Cailaca:Cool! You cry out of your nipples? I want that.
* Machete:Okay, on that note, I think it's time to go home.
* Cailaca:And, if you stayed, then maybe I could be your acolyte.
* Machete:You? My acolyte?! [laughing] You could never be my acolyte!
* Cailaca:You know what? Fine! Get in your stupid portal and go, and tell your precious sidekick I said to suck it!
* Machete:You know, profanity is the last refuge of the inarticulate.The inarticulate! [roars] See ya, sucker.
Ugh! Scarlett, I'm back! Look, I made this for you with a rainbow loom.Ouch!  (Notices the door) Yes, the door to the control room.  Hmm, it takes a three digit code to unlock it.  No problem; 1, 2, 3.  (The door zaps him) OK, let’s try 3, 2, 1.  (The door zaps him again.  Cuts to Scarlett watching from inside.)  OK, let’s try this again; 1, 2, 3.  (The door zaps him again.Scarlett just looks into the camera and smiles evilly.)
* Scarlett:He’ll get the door open.  Those electro shocks can only take so much before they overload.
* (The door finally opens and Machete jumps in all fried)
* Machete:Ah ha!  Stop what you’re doing NOT sidekick.
* Scarlett:(Talking from behind her chair) I’M, NOT, YOUR, (Turns around) SIDEKICK!
* Machete:(Confused) Scarlett, did you do something with your hair?
* Scarlett:(Grabs Machete by his shirt collar) This is the REAL me.  The Scarlett I’ve kept hidden until now, (She throws him to the ground) buying my time, waiting for the right moment.  I AM EVIL!  (Laughs evilly as Machete watches in terror)
* (Cailaca tunes her guitar and listening to mexican music. Cailaca then proceed to sing "The Apology Song" until Machete heard her sing.)
* Cailaca:Machete i am humble for tonight understand your blood was never meant to decorate this sand you have suffered great injustice so have thousands before you i offer an apology and one long overdue i'm sorry Machete i am sorry hear my song and know i sing the truth although you were bred to fight i look for kindness in your heart and if you can forgive and if you can forgive love can truly live if you can forgive and if you can forgive love can truly live...
* Machete:Awesome,(clear throat then sings badly)Scarlett soy humilde para esta noche entendido que su sangre no estaba destinado para decorar esta arena que ha sufrido una gran injusticia por lo que tiene miles antes ofrezco una disculpa y una desde hace mucho tiempo soy machete lo siento lo siento escuchar mi canción y sé que cantar la la verdad a pesar de que fueron criados para luchar busco bondad en tu corazón y si puedo perdonar y si se puede perdonar amor realmente puede vivir si puedo perdonar y si se puede perdonar el amor puede vivir de verdad...
* Cailaca:That...Was...Amazing!!!
* Machete:Scarlett i knew it.She betrayed me.
* Cailaca:Oh, I'm sorry, but not sorry, things didn't work out with you and Scarlett.
* [flashback opens]
* Scarlett:I'M NOT YOUR SIDEKICK!
* [flashback ends]
* Machete:Oh i get it.I broke up with Scarlett 19 years ago and you're the better acolyte than the evil Scarlett bla bla bla.
* Cailaca:But I learn how to tame my wild spirit Wait, you just called me your acolyte? [gasps] I'm your acolyte! Yes! Mortals of Santa Ynez, present your groins and prepare for your bloody demise!

## Quotes

* (Cailaca is playing by herself when Azucar and the girls confront her)
* Azucar: Oh, sorry. I accidentally dropped my juice box on the back of your head.
* (Azucar throws her juice box at Cailaca and her friends laugh)
* Azucar: Hey, Cailaca. Look what we made with our rainbow looms. What'd you make with yours? A friend?
* (The girls laugh)
* Cailaca: Yes! Yes! Yes! A half human half demon? I could totally go for one of those.(chanting in Aztec,but she sleeps)(Cailaca awakes,saw a bloody portal opens,walking into the portal and the portal closes.)
* (Screen cuts to Machete in Hell)
* Machete: More virgins for everyone!
* (Everyone cheers for Machete)
* Cailaca: You are in Santa Ynez, beast.
* Machete: Beast? I am no beast, for I am Machete the Macabre, Godlord terrible of Hell, crusher of will, IMPREGNATOR OF THE UNIMPREGNABLE!!!
* Cailaca: ... Awesome! I am Cailaca Cubruita Cortez. Holder of the soccer participation trophy, master of the Mexican accent, Googler of "What is blood?"!

## Trivia

* Differences between the series and the pilot season:
	+ The character designs and voices are slightly modified.
	+ Cailaca meets Machete for the first time in this episode, while he was already with her in the pilot season.
	+ Mr. Rodriguez and Azucar have changed personalities.

* Some scenes in this episode are similar to scenes in the episode Machete the Macabre such as Cailaca is reading with surreal results.
* The term "Acolyte" is introduced and used constantly in this episode.The term applies to people who serve as sidekicks or slaves to Machete. When asked by Cailaca what the word meant, Machete said "It's like an apprentice only without any chances of being promoted and who I can blame stuff on." An Acolyte is actually a real word, which comes from Christian background. It means a servant who performs tasks, mostly ceremonial duties for a highly important religious figure.
* A picture of Ramon Cortez was seen on a tombstone in the scene where Estersa and Cailaca were talking in a cemetery.
* In this episode, Cailaca learns to read in Aztec. It is also revealed that her father learned to do the same thing when he was 19 years old.