Jean dans la Fontaine

Le contexte, vous dites ?

#### *A spot of context*

At 0:10 AM on July 6th, 2021, Al came home from the park, and promptly sent a message to his good friend Lup on twitter dot com, expressing his return to his place of residence. Surprised by the late hour, Lup requested more context, and joked that Al had definitely gone clubbing without him.

Al made the mistake of being quite honest with them, informing them promptly he had *not* been clubbing, but rather hanging out with a pretty cute 19 year old girl. British and notoriously annoying, Lup jumped on the opportunity to tease his friend, and, at 0:17, sent him : "I SAID YOU WERE A SKIRT CHASERRRR", to which Al replied : "I'M NOT A SKIRT-CHASER". Seeing that their friend was rising to the bait, Lup kept at it, refusing to go clubbing because of their old age and their responsibilities as a family man and an exemplary office worker (?), pointing out that the supposed talks of depression between the pair would inevitably lead to the chick falling into Al's arms.

#### *Slip into fiction*

Lup being an avid storyteller, it wasn't long until their teasing evolved into a little scenario, and at 0:20, they sent :

* "Invite me to the wedding. I'll be your best man."
* "In my speech I'll say : "can't tell you very much about Al lately, we haven't been talking about much, he's been too busy SKIRT CHASING"" (Al reacted with a crying emoji to this message.

As Al defended himself ("YOU'RE STILL MY FAVOURITE :'("), Lup continued to take great fun in driving his friend up the wall and added : "What happened to bros before hoes". Al tried to reconcile with his old, crumbling friend :

* AL : you're becoming old lup. fine don't club with us, what do old people do to relax ? play cards ? want to play cards soon ?
* LUP : I will not play bridge with you ever.
* AL : WE'RE JUST FRIENDS AND I LOVE YOU MORE DONT BE JEALOUS LUP
* AL : I want to play bridge with you :(
* LUP : I don't play bridge with SKIRT CHASERS
* AL : THEN PLAY BRIDGE WITH ME IM NOT A SKIRT CHASER
* LUP : not even uno
* LUP : not even sept familles
* LUP : I WONT EVEN PLAY DOMINOS WITH YOU

Lup being a professional dramatic bitch and Al continuing to offer reactions, they pushed a little further, sending : "no it's too late i've set fire to every single card deck I own." / "they're gone. All is dust and ashes" / "like our relationship"

Things then further degenerated into the greatest piece of live fiction Lup has ever written.

### The life and death of Lup, the betrayed

#### *Note*

The following story began at 0:28 AM and continued until 1:09, uninterrupted. Al sent messages every few minutes that we will not be transcribing for the sake of fluidity, but most of them were "LUP" / "LUPLUP COME ON" / "LUPY !!!!!" and various promises to spend his life and money finding me. By the end the poor guy was pretty much exhausted (understandably) and became resigned. Let us now step into Lup's rivertting story...

#### *The story*

I won't be the best man at your wedding because I'm going to fake my death and disappear. I'll move to Norway, change my name and live on the streets. I'll die age 25 of liver failure. When you have your first child with the chick you'll think of naming them after me, and realise you've forgotten my name. What did I look like ? You can't remember. Who was i ? Another face in the crowd.

I was buried in an unmarked grave. All those years later when you guys divorce you'll remember me and try to find me. But you won't be able to. You'll finally find a tiny little village in the East of Norway in which an old couple direct you to the mortuary. You find my birth and death date etched into the stone but there's no way to locate my grave. So you go home. And find another girl to chase away the sorrow

But I wasn't actually dead !!! I faked my death again.

After that I moved to Estonia and worked as a tinker. The couple who indicated the mortuary to you actually work for me. I ask them to keep an eye on you. I not how long it took you to come looking for me and how easily you gave up. They telegraph me asking if I want them to feed you since it's cold outside and I telegraph back : "yes. But spit in his soup for me"

Estonia is poor and soon there's war. I enlist. Unfortunately I'm old and cracky now. I die. But it's a heroic death and my photograph is shown on international television. I'd been using another fake name but you recognise me. You try to go to my funeral, but I wrote in my will that I wanted my fellow soldiers to keep you away. So they block you from the grave and call you a skirt chaser. They think I'm really dead so you don't bother with them.

Instead you go to my little Estonian tinker shop. I forgot to unplug the telegraph. You get a detective to trace the address to find me again. They give you an address in Cape Cod. Last name d'Enneris. You don't remember that reference. You go there but they tell you d'Enneris died years ago in a surfing accident.

The detective was actually me in disguise. I've been living in Ibiza. With my husband Lupin. He was one of the soldiers who pushed you away from the grave. We're both kind of old but it doesn't stop him from working a lot.

One day he heists in your town and sees you on the street. He calls you a skirt chasers, pulls out his tongue and runs away. It's kind of ridiculous cos he's greying.

You decide to track him by hiring a member of INTERPOL. His name is Zenigata and you get the feeling you used to call him something else but you don't remember what. You pay him lost of money because while I was a tinker in Estonia you became a millionaire. While I went to war you played golf with your wife and child (who is not named after me because you couldn't remember my name).

Anyway you track Lupin because you're convinced we're connected. You track him all the way to Ibiza but when you get there Zenigata's zeal scares Lupin away and you lose him. That's OK Ibiza isn't massive. Also you have so much money that you can just take a holiday. So you rent a mansion and thirty sexy girls to hang out with you. And after a week you forget all about looking for me.

You head back to the continent and you remember there why you were in Ibiza. You want to jump on the next plane. but there's a massive rainstorm.

Because of the rainstorm all the planes have stopped. It's torrential and half of Ibiza has been destroyed. I show up in the news report on confirmed deaths under the name Barnett (you finally remember that particular reference). You don't believe I'm dead cos this is like, the third time... So you decide to help forage Ibiza and donate money to charities and contribute to reuniting families.

You stay for 3 years

Finally one day you come across my destroyed house. There is my wallet, all rusty and covered in weed. You open it and there are two pictures. One of Lupin on our wedding day. One of you in our clubbing days.

You cry.

Oh my god.

How could you have sacrificed your friend for skirts

You take a plane back home at last. Your pretty maid called Marie has been tending the house in your absence. But you come home and people in the neighbourhood stop you on the street. They all thought you were dead. Marie has moved into your house with her boyfriend, a pretty British writer and literary researcher.

They also say the pretty British writer says you died hit by a car. You were hit by the car because you were chasing skirts and crossed the road at the wrong time

You can't believe it. You've been spending all your time in Ibiza helping it become an independent first world country. And Marie and your lost friend have been living in your massive mansion. How dare they

You stop and think about Marie. You don't know her that well. And she's always had that impish smile. Oh my god, she and Lupin are the same person. This means all the money you spent on Zenigata was for nothing. Before going home you write to INTERPOL and ask to get him fired. Three months later he dies of starvation under a bridge.

But in the meantime you go home. You have to face me

I'm going by Harry d'Amour which is a reference you don't get at all (I never got to explain it because you were busy chasing skirts). It suits me pretty well in my old age. Inside the house Lupin goes by Lupin and spends his time lounging around in my fancy dressing gowns I bought with your money. Because the fact he's greying only makes him sexier. He opens the door for you.

"I knew you'd be coming," he says.

"Skirt chaser," he adds under his breath.

"Lup !" he calls, and finally you remember what their true name was before all the aliases.

Lup... Oh how you miss them. All these years spent looking for them. Like, at least six. After thirty years of not remembering their face. If only you hadn't chased skirts all those years ago. We could have grown old together.

And I wouldn't have stolen your house.

I'm waiting in your office. I've redecorated everything because the old decor sucked ass. It looks like a proper ancient library, all oak, with lovely wallpaper and massive windows. Excellent facture furniture. I have my feet up on your desk. I'm wearing Oxfords that I also bought with your money. And a three piece tweed suit. Also bought with you money.

"Lup..." you say weakly. Your throat is dry.

"I don't know who that is," I tell you. "The only Lup I know died years ago"

Dying of liver failure is very painful. I tell you this. And also that it's also gonna happen to Zenigata because of you. Lupin doesn't appreciate this and has a hand on his fancy dan gun you can't remember the name of. It's his silver Walther P-38. He's gone back to his pimpy ways in his older years.

I shrug and ask : "Why are you here ?"

You don't know what to tell me. You're here because you've been looking for me for years, but also technically this is your house. So that's definitely a factor. Your lack of words confirms everything in my mind. I nod at Lupin. He nods back. He comes over to the desk and presses a button. I disappear. I was actually a hologram the whole time.

You gasp. What was the purpose of all this ?

Lupin sits on the desk where I was moments ago. He says : "They're dead."

"They died of bitterness and loneliness and fear. Not even all my love could make them forget how much they hurt." He's hugging his dressing gown tighter. It's all he has left of me, along with his wedding ring. He explains. Before I died I worked with a genius professor to save my physical form and mind in an AI and a hologram. I wanted to talk to you one last time even after death.

He starts crying and it's really unnerving because it makes him look older. Old for real. And horribly lonely. You start crying too. You see what you've done...

And then, as you fall to your knees, a hand rests on your shoulder.

You look up through the tears and see Lupin throw his legs over the desk and wink a thotty wink. He was acting. And behind you I'm standing there, smiling gently. I look well. Older, but well. I hand you a tissue. You blow your nose. You hug me and I accept your embrace.

And in your ear, I whisper :

"I hope this taught you what comes first. Bros before hoes is what keeps the world in balance."

## Jean dans la Fontaine

### The aftermath

#### *Juan en la Fontana*

Lup was mentally out of breath after such a creative effort. The endurance this piece had required was unimaginable. So when Al just replied : "you're done?", they felt a little bit under-appreciated.

* LUP : Honestly i don't Think you appreciate the genius of my storytelling.
* LUP : To keep a tale going for fifty whole minutes. Improvising.
* LUP : I truly am... A visionary
* LUP : Not that you would appreciate that since you're busy skirt chasing

A little later, at 1:17 AM, still basking in the glow of their masterpiece, they sent : "Juan en la Fontana wants what I have"

Faced with the lack of a reaction to their funny funny little joke, they sent : "I really should get friends who appreciate me. I mean, Juan en la Fontana. That's a howler !!!", thus setting up Al for a really iconic potential copypasta, and an absolutely *cultissime* exchange :

#### *Exhaustion obliges...*

Followed a lost of talk of Jean dans la Fontaine in other languages (including English - *John of the Fountain,* correct Spanish - *Juan dé la Fuente,* Japanese - *Funsui no Jan,* and Estonian - *Purskkaevu Jean).* Al expressed great hatred of Estonia : "never forgiving estonia for existing" (1:34 AM). None of it is very notable, but what Lup was doing while they were talking is, and very much so.

### The memes

I mean, taking this entire situation this far was just an extremely Lupin move on Lup's part. Al played the perfect Jigen kinnie on his end, protesting to no avail... The whole thing was just a massive kinnie moment over the course of an hour. The characterisation was so obvious that Lup just had to go and make a couple of edits, which are presented to you here :

(tweeted at 2:15 AM. lup even unprived so al could rt, it was that important)