LTVS: Getting Medieval

*Do not read beyond **this point** if you want to avoid being **spoiled!***

***Layla the Vampire Slayer* episode**

Bentham

PeachyPixel8 as Percival Waz

*"I know an Englishman's home is his castle, but this is going a bit too far!"* - Robert Davidson

**Getting Medieval** is the forty-fifth episode of Layla the Vampire Slayer and the twenty-third episode of Season 2. It is the second of two episodes where PeachyPixel8 stood in for an absent regular, in this case, RandomTuesday.

## Synopsis

Layla Smith and George Davidson are on their way back from the Watchers' Archives. They'd been there for a couple of days and were researching the Hole in Heaven, where souls go when they are turned into vampires, and research into Charity and the Slayer lineage. She told them everything about the Hole in Heaven (apart from the fact that they made it). The Watchers don't have record of it happening before, but have a bunch of texts concerning Heavens, dimensional tears, and reality rifts which she was allowed to borrow. The Watchers have no idea where souls go when they die; some postulate they end up in a purgatory or limbo, but there is a lot of debate.

Layla was given access to unredacted logs concerning Charity. Katherine was considered a pretty good Slayer. While not as physically adept, she was more by-the-book, had greater initiative and was very smart, but was still very good at her job. She lasted very well, but she was turned on her eighteenth birthday, killing her Watcher and a number of Watchers who were present. Afterwards, she went on a crusade against them. Layla and George couldn't get anything else, due to the size of the Archives, and a lengthy 6-hour debrief where Layla had to apologise to the Council (or, what was left of it).

Layla and George have made their way back to Little Rosewater after a lengthy road trip, chatting casually. As they approach the Davidson house, there is a thick haze in the air, enveloping the road and the surrounding buildings. They both figure that it's too shimmery and contained to be natural. George pulls over, and Layla pulls down the window to take a look. She guesses it's an illusion. She suggests they advance in the car, and George pops out to take a baseball bat out of the boot, placing it in the front. He turns the vents off and slowly rolls forwards. Layla hears vague clangs and shouts, as well as footfalls. A horse neighs. There are the sounds of bows being shot, and wood being pounded. Layla gets George's phone out of the glove box but there's no reception. George suggests the fog is the cause for this. They emerge out of the fog, seeing half a dozen longbowmen in gambesons and leather caps. There are men attacking the house in tabards and mail, looking Crusader-era. They all look human. George is concerned for the boys. Layla runs out of the car towards them.

30 minutes earlier, Robert and Barnaby Davidson are besieged inside their father's house along with Percival Waz. They have contained the fire from the longbowmen, but have been given 30 minutes to get rid of blasphemous (read: occult) texts and any heretics. Percival insists he needs to go, but the Davidsons tell him they can't actually leave the house due to the wards put up around the place. Percival says he needs to go, and Barnaby tells him to go to the downstairs toilet. The bolt is insecure enough for Percival. He insists they have to leave 30 minutes beforehand. He and Barnaby tell Robert they're Catholics and will probably kill them all. Barnaby opens a window and tells them to go away. They loose arrows in reply at the front of the house. Percival attempts to pretend he's converted. The herald tells him to come out so they can "purge the sin from him," and "send him to Heaven in God's own way".

Barnaby asks why they're LARPing as medieval knights. The knights respond with as much tact as the Crusaders did during the Albigensian Crusade (or any crusade, really). Barnaby asks if they know St. Thom Huell, and they seem to be best mates. There is no reply. The gents ask the knights to come back later, as they're busy. Barnaby tells the knights to keep saying nothing if they're best mates with St. Thom Huell. There is still no reply, and the Davidsons hear some construction work. Rob takes a mirror and tries to adjust it to see what's going on outside. Hee sees them constructing a ballista before the mirror is shattered by an arrow. Percival suggests they try and break the faith barrier stopping them, and goes off to research. Robert is concerned about pissing off the knights more; Percival doesn't care. Barnaby closes the window and calls the knights heretics. They call him a heathen in response.

Percival sprints to the toilet. He tries to look stuff up on barriers, but is perplexed by Barnaby's cataloguing system. Despite this, he figures out that it's a variant of a shield spell used for entrapment or containment. It's not a normal spell, nor used in a normal manner. Use of faith as opposed to regular magic are strange, but he realises that the casting clerics have to maintain concentration and intone the words. Outside, the Davidsons talk about what to do when the knights make a breach. Robert isn't fond of killing them. Barnaby wants to use Robert's marble collection and soap to make a slip trap, and builds barricades with furniture. Barnaby grabs a baseball bat and his dad's fire axe. He goes to Robert and asks for help to make shotgun shells that can be used like flashbangs. Robert is busy, and tells Barnaby what he would need. Barnaby makes two shells, but has no idea whether they work or not. Robert works on things that look like two metal bracelets. As Robert constructs it, he takes cover behind the sofa in front of the window.

He asks the knights how they're sure they're heretics. The knights say they consult with witchcraft, and that they have seen him and his allies use it. Robert asks what's the difference between magic and their barrier. They fire the ballista at him and it lodges in the sofa. The lucky knight doesn't know what a DFS sale is. Robert asks if they've been asleep for centuries, which would be due to magic. Robert fails to convince him. He comments that God is probably a little preoccupied, what with the breach in Heaven. Robert points out that if they give themselves up, he'll have a better chance of having it running when they make their escape attempt. They plan to get the knights monologing, and then Robert's device will go off, and they'll try and escape. The knights pronounce them sexually immoral, idolators among other things. Percival emerges from the loo and says he's got a plan.

Percival says that the spell is a barrier, and they've got someone holding it up. They have to stop them, and so they can leave. Robert points out they're stuck inside the house. The knight outside list off their sins again. During this speech, Robert hears the microwave beeping incessantly, even though he had dismantled it for his device. It's Morse. Barnaby hears the microwave too. The knights accuse them of communing with spirits. Percival asks for handcuffs. The Davidsons manage to get the word "Layla" from the Morse before Percival starts to shift. He's become a werewolf. The Davidsons panic as the knights prepare to breach. The Davidsons decide to leg it out towards the knights instead of being stuck in the house with the werewolf. Robert wrenches the door open and tells the knights to get Percival. Robert is hit by longbow arrows, which are mitigated somewhat by the armour he's wearing. However, he dodges the ballista bolt, which flies into the hallway, smashing into the toilet door. Percival makes a yelp.

Barnaby runs into the kitchen and grabs a steak from the fridge. He goes into the living room and throws it out the door, telling Percival to get it. It lands before the leader of the six men in mail who charge the door. Percival "shrugs" at Barnaby. Robert is somewhat unnerved, but can fight on. Percival doesn't go after the steak, but inside grabs the DFS sofa. He uses it to block the doorway. Percival growls a "sorry" as he drops it before Rob, who tries to ask him whether he's the discriminate type of werewolf. Rob is unsure. Robert checks a window and uses cover to dodge an arrow from a sharpshooter watching it. He sees some ballista bolts and tries to fling them at the line of archers. He flings one at the line of archers, but only one is knocked down. At the door, four men-at-arms attempt to shift the sofa. Another two jump through the broken window and are surprised by Rob, who is still in cover. Barnaby attempts to communicate with Percival, who mumbles a "sorry" after Barnaby says he thought he was going to eat him. He recommends that Percival roar to distract the clergy holding up the spell.

Barnaby runs to the men-at-arms in the house and fires his shotgun. The first round fails to fire. Percival bounds to the back of the house and takes a look. He sees about a dozen people, two of whom seem to be clerics. There are three bowmen and a man-at-arms. There is one cleric not accounted for. Percival attempts to rip open the door, but ineffectually paws at it. Robert turns at the men-at-arms behind him and uses his glove to magnetically grab onto the mail shirt and throws one at the other. The other drops to the ground. Layla Smith runs onto the scene, seeing the men-at-arms bveaching the house, the confused archers and a man on a horse in the distance. Layla runs over to the man operating the ballista. He's wearing a cervelliere, and she takes if off him before just about failing to smack him with it. There's a flash and a bang and the man drops to the ground, having been shot in the knee by George. He screams in a language that sounds like Italian.

Two archers try to shoot Layla. She dodges one; the other hits. Another two hit George, and they stick out of him after the sound of porcelain breaking. Inside the house, Barnaby fails to drop-kick the man-at-arms on the ground. Percival runs back to the front and just about pins the man on the ground. Percival drools all over the man. The men are unfazed. Robert throws the man-at-arms over to the archers and beats one down with him. Robert tells the others that Layla's here. Layla asks if it's Rob, and tells him to be careful. Layla goes to try and kick an archer in the groin, but he dodges narrowly. George fires the other barrel of his shotgun, and the man drops. The archers aim at Layla and George, but don't loose. In the house, the men-at-arms break the sofa, but are still stuck outside. The one under Percival fails to get out from under him.

Barnaby stands in the doorway and tries to fire the other shotgun barrel. Thankfully, it goes off, and one guy gets hit in the face by metal scraps and magnesium. He is blinded by the flash from the barrel, dropping his weapons and screams as Barnaby attempts to apologise to him. Two men behind him are also hit. Percival grabs the poor man-at-arms below him and throws him out of the window. He lands in a heap in the driveway. Percival roars in victory and one of the bowmen drops his bows and runs away, making the sign of the Cross. Robert fails to use the guy he's holding telekinetically to whack the two remaining archers. Layla sweep kicks an archer, and George smacks his head in with a bat, knocking him out. The remaining archer tries to back away. The knights at the door disengage as Barnaby throws bits of sofa at him.

Layla points out the werewolf to Rob, who mentions he thinks he's on their side. After a questioning glance, she runs to intercept the retreating knights. They're trying to get the man Robert's holding up in the air down, and failing. Two intercept Layla and tell her to begone, as it has nothing to do with her. She asks what they're doing here. Barnaby yells at Layla not to tell them anything. The knights say that they're here to deal with those who work with the warlock. Layla says that they're her friends, but Barnaby tries to cut her off. Layla refuses to leave them alone as the others try to get the knights to leave. Robert tells Percival to roar at them. The two men-at-arms near Layla approach her after she refuses to go away. She tells them that this is her home and they don't belong there. They ask her name; she says Layla and asks their names. They say they have no names due to being in the service of God. Layla asks whether the Lord would have them killing innocent high school children.

Layla sees the men scoff at that. Barnaby yells that they think he did a spell and they suck, as they're Catholics. The knights say that their witch will die, and their spiritualist too. Barnaby tries to mock them into leaving, but Percival covers his mouth. The mist starts to dissipate. Layla says they'll fix whatever sent them here then walks away. The men-at-arms disengage, and the mist rolls away. They disappear into it. The others take into account the scene; Rob bleeding from arrow wounds, a wolf-man in a tweed waistcoat, siegeworks outside the house. Layla runs in and checks Rob. Rob says he's okay, but he's lost a bit of blood. She asks where the others are. Robert says that the others are probably at Janet's house and that Percival's a Watcher. They explain he's here to supervise them. George walks in and asks whether Rob's alright. Barnaby decides to try and make a poultice to heal Rob. Layla is concerned and uncertain. They tell her that the girls are probably besieged at Janet's, and they don't have the time.

Robert is irritated with Layla being so concerned over his health as to pick him up and put him on the kitchen table, insisting there isn't enough time. Layla suggests she can run to Janet's. Percival rabs his phone from his tattered coat pocket with his mouth and nudges Barnaby with it. George asks what's with the werewolf. Percival tries to get Barnaby to call Peter, his husband. The line connects before Peter picks up and asks for Percival. Barnaby explains that Percival's a wolf now. Peter says that he should be back now, and that he's got the chains and manacles ready. He explains that Percival can control himself, but it's a strain on him. Barnaby says that they need Percival's help. Peter offers to help. Barnaby gives him Janet's street; he'll be there in 10 minutes. They give it to Percival. Peter calls him "big dog" and asks whether he wants his "special treats". After a conversation that confuses the others, Barnaby is put on the line. Peter tells him to take care of Percival, and that he'll hold anything that happens to him against him. Peter mentions that there are people in his line of work that are often prejudiced against werewolves. Barnaby explains that he's not employed. They end the call.

Barnaby tells the others they'll be meeting Percy's husband in 10 at Janet's house. Layla asks what happened, Percival growls in response. Barnaby and Robert don't really know what's going on either and eventually tell Layla about how Imogen killed a vampire and a knight tracked her to them. The Davidsons say it's nice to have her and their dad back and ask how the trip went. She says it wasn't too useful, but she has some stuff. George takes off his tactical vest and removes a shattered ceramic plate from it. There is concern over whether Percival can fit into the car, but they shove him in after the growls that he's a werewolf, not Jesus, and can't run that fast. There is no fog around Janet's house, nor en-route. However, with Percival's enhanced smell he can smell oil - perhaps gun oil - along with sweat, metal and organic-based clothing. It does seem to dissipate in the direction they're going. He tells them this by growling "Catholics" and pointing in the opposite direction. It's covering a wide area, including the school, the old monastery and the orphanage.

They are met near Janet's by a Volkswagen Beetle. In front of it is a man in a pale pink shirt, grey waistcoat, grey glasses and carrying a long rifle and a duffle bag: Peter Waz. Percival sticks his head out of the window and barks happily. Layla says that it's good he's prepared. George thinks he's the other Mr. Waz, and a Watcher too. He says he thought they were paper-pushers. Percival bounds towards Peter and makes canine gestures of appreciation. Peter says he was so worried about him and returns with gestures of appreciation. Back in the car, Layla is hurrying them up. Barnaby tries to tell her and his father about why they're there, but Layla is still insistent on hurrying. Barnaby tells him that he wants his dad to remain as Layla's Watcher, and they don't really trust him. George ultimately tells them to do their job, and do it well. Peter introduces himself and Layla is insistent on going without a full explanation. They give him a brief run-down that their friends are in danger, if not the town. Percival rides in the back of the Beetle, which will follow George's car.

They get to Janet's house, noticing that the door is open. There is no sign of ballistas. Barnaby sees signs of footprints; others see signs of someone being grabbed, of fire (a burnt bush). One of Janet's robots (probably Janet's mother) was decapitated. Layla tells the others that to the crusade-era people, everything will be magic. There is no sign of Janet or Imogen. Robert finds the Dad robot in bed, unharmed but uncharged. He grabs the head of the Mum robot. Layla finds no message, but footprints heading towards the road. It seems like they headed in the direction Percival indicated. As they walk out, Layla spots something carved into the front door. it says "Exod 22:18" (Exodus 22:18, "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live".). Barnaby recognises it as a Bible passage, and they search for Janet's house for a Bible. Rob mumbles that he thought it was only a Warhammer thing and they bundle into the cars.

Peter and Percival get all affectionate in the Beetle before they head off in the vague direction the crusaders were probably in. Rob deduces that there are only a few religious areas in town, where they'd probably kill the witch(es). It would be somewhere significant to them or to the town. He suspects the old monastery. Percival catches up on the smell of burnt hair and it's towards the direction Rob's indicating. They approach the ruined, medieval building which has suffered heavily throughout the years, including the damage Layla and her friends did a couple of weaks ago. Layla suggests they should be sneaky, but Robert looks over at the Beetle. They can try to be quiet. Robert suggests they might be in the cloister due to wanting to hold a ceremony, and suggests Layla look to see where the guards are accumulated.

They try to creep towards the monastery; Peter says he'll go off to provide overwatch. Rob makes a bit of a racket. He stamps on a branch then falls into a bush, sending birds flying, noisily. There is a thwack and Percival is hit with an arrow. Percival howls. In the distance, two guys ask whether they got him, and assume it was an animal of some sort. They try and get Percival to be quiet, and he bites past the pain to be quiet. About half a minute later, one of the guards decides to go and get the thing they assumed they killed. Layla hides herself and only at the last minute spots the guard. She sweep-kicks him, and he hits his head on a rock, causing him to pass out. Helpfully, the body rolls into a ditch. They wait a bit. Percival can smell burning, and Layla can hear the crackle of tinder. They decide to go, but Robert decides to stay behind until the coast is clear. A man in padded leather walks towards them. He pulls back his string and looses the arrow in Layla's direction, and narrowly misses her.

The guard notices them and runs towards the main door of the monastery. Robert waves his gauntlet in the man's direction and lifts him into the air, using the man's metal belt as the target. The man smacks his head on the ground before being lifted into the air and pulled towards Layla. Layla takes his helmet of and whacks him unconscious with it. Back in the background, Barnaby has started trying to strip the unconscious guy and to wear his armour. Layla sneaks towards the door and looks inside. There are four figures at the back, two in leather and two in mail. There is one man with a brand and book, which he is setting down. He is scarred, with a shaven head and wearing a cuirass. There are two pyres. One has Janet on, pale and unconscious. The other is Imogen, with slightly burnt hair, a bruise on her temple and she is also unsconscious. There are three monks chanting in Latin. Layla turns to Rob and says she'll open the door. He will pull as many of them towards him as possible. As he prepares to do this, the manacle around his wrist starts whirring and blades spin out; he explains it was for in the event of their capture, to cut bindings.

Layla guesses that it'll take about a minute for the burns to be more than superficial, and they tell Barnaby. Barnaby, who has the leather tunic on, goes to join them. Robert looks to the treeline where Peter should be, waves and points at the cloister. After 5 seconds there is a flash of a torch. Layla tells the others she's going in via the right. Barnaby charges through the door. He tells the monks to shut up. Barnaby punches the nearest guy, then runs towards the pyres. Layla jumps through the broken windows, surprising them. She punches the nearest man in the groin. He keels over. Rob fails to lift the man in plate. He declares that the "warlock" will be a fine addition to the pyre. Robert says that they're magnets, then accidentally says an oath. George goes and punches the guy his son punched. The leader drops the book and swings his sword at Robert. Robert flails around and the sword just about misses his throat. The knight accuses Robert of taking the Lord's name in vain. At the back of the room, Layla loses more of her hair as she dodges a sword cut. Another man-at-arms fails to hit George, but Barnaby is less fortunate and one punches him.

Percival, being a coward, stays outside. He roars the word "poenitet" (Latin for "repent") [sic, see notes] into the cloister. The eyes of the knight fighting Robert go aflame, and he becomes gleeful. He tells Robert to repent, for God decrees it to be so. At the back, two monks cross themselves and start praying instead of chanting. Robert is exasperated at the knight, and declares that if they kill him, a thousand evils will be unleashed upon the world. He is not swayed, but confusion reigns amongst his men until he rallies them. Layla goes to jump-kick in the groin the man she kicked in the groin earlier but misses. Barnaby cuts the bonds of Imogen and Janet. Robert dodges another swing from the knight again, who is becoming increasingly enraged and sweeping from between English and Latin. Robert asks where he's from in the first place. One man-at-arms misses George, and another throws a knife at Barnaby. Layla dodges a sword but is tripped by the other man-at-arms. Percival sees Layla under attack and runs over, failing to grapple one.

"Enough of this ridiculous mess! You make no sense! You're complete hypocrites, and I think you're gonna do a lot more harm than good. In this very building I fought arachne demons. I have slain the Lord of All Drox Demons, and I have fought a fallen angel. If you defeat me you will unleash a thousand evils upon this world. And if you truly know God, you will know he knows my name. That command was not for me." - Robert Davidson

Barnaby grabs the unconscious Imogen and Janet and takes them out of the monastery, yelling about Catholics burning kids. Layla goes to shield Barnaby. Robert tells the knight they haven't tried to kill them yet, fails to use his gauntlet and tries to run away. The knight misses Robert again. Percival is slashed by a sword, and drops. He still stays standing, bloodied. The archers shoot at Barnaby; Layla gets in the way of one. Percival sprints away. They try and make it to the car. The crusaders, led by the knight, follow them. There is a crack, and he stumbles. Layla sees that the knight was shot in the shoulder, and with his sword-arm disabled, he retreats back into the church. Robert taunts them that it was a bullet, which they probably think is heresy. An arrow is shot in his direction, which he returns by destroying a gargoyle with his stake-thrower.

They make it all back to the Davidsons. After getting some respite and becoming a human again, Percival writing notes up for his report. He notes down Imogen's power level, considering that he hasn't got a copy of her non-existent license. He gives her a list of recommended and further reading. Percival considers Layla a "standard Slayer", and seemed to be doing her job. She did nothing particularly in a loose cannon way, and he can't comment much as he hardly spoke to her. Robert is a "gifted engineer", with recommendations to give him access to Daniel Fortitude's blueprints. He recommends a reprimand for George for letting everyone just talk openly about everything. He is still uncertain about Barnaby, with no hints of bad behaviour. Physically, he is the guy in the CCTV photos. As a team, he considers them solid, backing each other's back.

He recommends more Watcher assistance. While George's reports were lacking, he is a perfectly valid Watcher and a valiant fighter. He's uncertain whether George is the right Watcher for them. He also mentions their (justified) mistrust of the Watchers. He tells the team that the Watchers mean well, and don't know that he's a werewolf. Robert takes Percival asides and mentions that they're both keeping secrets from the Watchers. He says that the heard from a Watcher (in an unspecified way) that he and Barnaby were an "experiment". He would like to know what it was, and Percival can't answer because he doesn't know. Percival says he's doing a good job and tells him to keep his brother out of trouble. After a bit Percival tells Rob that they think he's robbing banks. Robert facepalms and says it's not him. Percival brushes off Robert's attempts to clarify it by saying that he's making familial excuses. Robert then asks whether there's a significant scar on the "Barnaby". Percival finds Robert is sincere, but it's definitely Barnaby in the pictures.

Robert insists he'll write a report to prove it. Percival tells him to contact the Watchers more, but Robert doesn't want to be pulled off the case. Percival goes to leave and Layla goes to intercept him. Peter flirts with her a bit. She asks why they're here. Percival says that he was here to see her, and her entire team. Layla asks that isn't she meant to be alone. Percival doesn't think anyone could do it alone. Layla brings up the examples of other Slayers and Watchers. Percival says that it's an interpretation of the rules, and that they're all human. Layla says that they can keep another secret, that they're "her people" and she won't see harm done to them. Percival says that they're goot at their job. Percival gets out of the car; Peter says that she's trying to blackmail them because she's misguided. Percival closes the door. He says they do all of this because they care. Layla asks whether they do, because of how they throw young women into the role. Percival insists they're trying to help. Layla says that when she went for help, she was berated and treated like a criminal.

Percival asks her to clarify. She says that she was asked many questions when she got there. Percival tells her that they didn't have information, and that she should have gone to George. Layla says that she went to him, and to all of her Watchers previously (except for perhaps Henry), and they didn't have the answers. Percival decides at that moment to change his report to have George replaced immediately. Layla says that she doesn't trust any of them, apart from George. Percival asks if she would trust anyone else, and asks does she know why they're called the Watchers. He reiterates that they're trying to look out for the world, and that she needs to tell her Watcher if she wants to talk to them directly. She says she never knew she could do that. Technically speaking, according to regulation, the Slayer has to talk to the Watcher who talks to the Council. Percival gives her his card against protocol, saying that it's because her last Watcher was a neck-biter. Layla points out that she should probably kill him.

Percival asks her not to kill him, and to instead deal with those werewolves who do kill people. Percival says that he knows what it's like to not be trusted and to not trust. He offers her his number so that she has another route to contact the Council. He says he's probably not supposed to do that, nor leave the books behind for Imogen. He tells Layla to look after them, as she has a power nobody really understands. He says he has worries about Barnaby. Layla admits that he seems to always have money. He tells her he's not a werewolf. Layla opens the car door and tells him that everything's fine here. Percival says that's what his report will say. Layla closes the door after Percival. Layla walks back to the ruined house. After he leaves, Percival amends his report to say that Layla only trusts George, but that he still needs replacing or severe coaching, and that Barnaby is definitely a magic-using bank robber.

## Notes

* "Poenitet" is probably the incorrect word. It would have to be the imperative plural of poenitere, likely "poenitemini".
* "Getting Medieval" is the skill in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer RPG covering use of medieval weaponry, usually covering hand-to-hand weaponry but also crossbows.