Lessons Learned

### The Closing Segment

* If you're looking for a handyman to repair your kitchen sink, don't go to Best Buy, go to Bed Bath and Beyond at least.
* If you pay $18 to see a three hour Avengers movie, you can actually save yourself three hours and read the wikipedia page.
* Hey, what's the deal with 5G on cellphones. I don't know what that is, okay?
* If your grandma gives you a card with no money in it, you should still make sure you say thank you, and it actually sets a bad precedent if you don't. Other family members will find out and kind of make fun of you in a subtle way, where after two or three times you have to pull your mom aside and say, are they referencing that I didn't say thank you to grandma when she gave me a St. Patrick's day card?
* Hey, if you're bouncing a bouncy ball that you got from a mall kiosk, don't do it at the mall! Wait until you get home at least, it's so irresponsible. Go home.
* If you stay in a hotel and the room is cold when you get in, don't take your blankets for granted cause you'll need them to say warm cause what if your air conditioner doesn't work.
* If you go to your friend's house and you're not wearing socks, keep your shoes on. For a few reasons: it will be extra stinky if you take them off, and it's kind of gross seeing your friend's feet.
* Hey, it's late at night you're looking for a snack you got nothing in your pantry. Try roommate's food!
* The only appropriate place to cut your nails is the bathroom. It's very gross to see fingernails-even if they're your own!-anywhere outside the bathroom.
* If you're wearing a hardhat outside a freaking construction zone and it's not halloween, oh boy oh boy, fucking stay in your lane! There's people out there actually doing that stuff!
* Does iTunes closing affect us as podcast producers? It feels like it would severely affect our jobs. And I haven't done enough research, but I was horrified when I saw that. Hey Tim Cook, you're not a chef at all. A fuckin', what do you have to say about that, ya little baby. Go home Tim Cook.
* Hey, take a second to smell the roses because you might make a new friend. Insects are friends.
* If you have a job and you deal with other people, being nice makes such a fucking different. I had so many places that I went to this week - restaurants, car dealerships, grocery stores, employment places (Earwolf) - nice people truly enhance the experience. If you don't know what to do and if you're not feeling good, don't take it out on other people. The positivity spreads, we all know it! Just do it!
* Sometimes when you're having a bad day, it's okay to let your anger out on others. Just think about it, they're probably gonna go to a lot of other places this week, and the other people can be nice to them there.
* Roses actually stink, don't smell roses. They're bad for you, you could get a thorn stuck in your nose and it'll go down your lungs and it'll stab your lung and you'll die.
* Take the time to be respectful to yourself and to your body. Eat some freaking veggies or drink a juice. But not a sweet one, a bitter one.
* When you say the word "humid" be very very careful.
* When you tell someone you did stand up in the past you should have a joke just in case they ask for a joke.
* I probably shouldn't make fun of poetry in general because I want to be better at it.
* Yusong falls asleep to voices going "totally owned that noob." and then wonders why he has horrifying nightmares.
* Eddie Murphy has played multiple roles in seven different movies.
* I learned that your birthday is roughly a month before mine and I'm not on facebook so I will never know nor remember it.
* When your therapist mentions anything about anyone killing anyone, get the fuck out of there. Unless it's you killing your own inner demons, then you stay in there.
* If you want to be more in the present, lose something that is very important to you. If you lose your keys or a badge or your phone, I guarantee you, you will not be thinking about your past or fears about the future you will just be scouring your place trying to find your missing badge for work.
* If you bring up politics on this show, everything's gonna be okay. Just, thank you to everyone who listened.
* If you get scared in the middle of a bit and you wanna bail, just fuckin stay in it bruh. You got nothing to lose.
* I was gonna say just do it, just leave.
* If your cohost is generous enough to pick up ice coffee for both of you, but you always forget that the ice is very tiny, don't drink it during the recording because you'll find yourself having a heart-to-heart conversation with your friend realizing you have a mouthful of small ice and you'll try to break eye contact to spit ice out into a garbage.
* Don't make Kevin edit the whole episode.
* If you're sharing an account with someone, or trading rather, maybe it's a close friend from high school that you don't talk to anymore and he uses your Amazon account and you use his HBO account, and let's revisit you guys don't talk anymore - you don't. And he changes his password but you're not close enough where you want that to be the text that's the revisiting, but then you find out the person you're living with has an HBO account and now you're using that one, and now you're kinda tempted to change your Amazon password just to like really close this off. Wait it out, don't make any rash decisions, and then maybe one day change it.
* If you have an account and you share it with someone and it's for the podcast you both have and on that site there's an estimated audience number, don't look at that number every day. It will probably drive both of us insane. Them! Them insane. This is not about us, this is universal advice everyone can relate to.
* Candles are important. I think we kind of see them and go, "oh, yeah, candle, it's nice." Buy a candle. Your place will smell objectively a lot better unless you're my college roommate and you move into a new place with someone else and the first candle you get is pancake and maple syrup, and then you really don't feel bad that you don't live with that person anymore. If you're not getting a pancake maple syrup candle chances are your place will smell better and you'll feel better.
* Get some flowers for yourself.
* If I ask on a previous episode for any recommendations of global warming book and you're kind enough to dm me something, I might of accidentally deleted it. I might of spent a period of a flight looking for it and then getting mad at myself and then getting mad at the person next to me for opening their blinds and it's painfully sunny.
* If you're holding a coffee and you're feeling really good about the day, maybe be a little more careful with that coffee because you will spill it onto the floor and then have to buy another one.
* One of the kindest things you can do for your roommate, partner or loved one - someone you live with specifically it would be frightening if you didn't - charge their devices overnight if you notice that their device isn't being charged.
* Despite how good a Vulture review might be, maybe try to work on your self esteem so it didn't feel like all light was drained from the world and then that was the only thing you had for a day.
* If you recently invested in heavy duty blinds, but then noticed when you walk outside it hurts your eyes because it's so bright, maybe the blinds were too strong.
* If you ask a question on the show twitter feed and then you retweet it with the caption, "hey, Yusong how did you get so cool and confident and handsome?" and then people end up asking that, which is what I would do in that situation, you only have to blame yourself.

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 Go Home
2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 2.5 If I Did It
3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 The Closer
4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 4.3 It's Humand in Brooklyn
5. ↑ http://www.10-facts-about.com/Eddie-Murphy/id/657
6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 Hang on, Hang on, Hang on
7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 7.2 7.3 7.4 7.5 Lowercase a, Lowercase a, Lowercase c
8. ↑ 8.0 8.1 8.2 8.3 The Episode With No Jokes
9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 9.2 9.3 9.4 9.5 Back and Funnier Than Ever