4: Masturbation --- Toad/Original Story

The clock struck midnight with a a tick as quiet and unnoticeable as the tock before it, even though the bar had quieted down for the night. Not to say it was empty, but it was far from the bustling hootenanny any reputable saloon could be at the earlier hours of the night. Each table sat one of two customers, some gossiping quietly, others silent, but the only two figures left at the actual bar counter were the hop himself and a single customer with his head against the surface. The bartender wished to help, but had found long ago that his words of advice weren't helping the poor boy, so he continued to clean glasses with a rag in solitude.
"Another grasshopper, pousse-café..." the man at the counter moaned with a sloppy voice that spiraled off into its own intricacies.
He held the illusion of a savvy and tasteful customer, but after ordering the same drink for a third time, it was clear it didn't matter what he'd put in his throat so long as it gave him release from the pains of his day.
"Toad, buddy!" a voice cried from the back of the tavern. The source of it was a stout man with a red hat in overalls who lead a small group of people towards the man with his head down on the bar counter. "We came as soon as we could!"
"O-oh yeah??!" Toad shot back with an angry snarl, whipping his head up to look at them and swinging his glass, "Why'd you go and... wait until midnight, huh?!"
In his drunken motions he spilled a bit of his drink onto the moustached man's face, and a dainty looking woman in pink with a tiara held the man protectively. "But Toad, we only came here to help!"
"We all know where YOU came, you fat FUCK." he cried, splashing the rest of the drink in his glass right on the princess' crotch. "Hey, bro, another!"
The bartender dutifully filled the glass with cheap ale, knowing Toad could no longer tell the difference. Toad downed it in three slurps and spun around in circles atop his bar seat.
"Dude, cut him off! He's had way too many!" Shy Guy pleaded, grabbing the glass from Toad's hand.
The bartender shrugged. "Sorry, pal, I don't get paid enough to care. He ain't gonna die. Guy's only had three shots and a beer."
Luigi held Toad's shoulders consolingly. "What happened to you, buddy? How'd you end up like this?"
"Awww I can't bring myself to get mad at you, Luigi. You're a really attractive man, you know that? You should lose the moustache. Anyone every tell you you should lose the mustache? Hmmm."
"HEY! RIDGE! Stop fucking on the tables!" the bartender yelled, throwing a bottle across the bistro, scaring off two particularly drunk and unruly customers as it shattered into glass against a far table. "Sorry about that, ladies and gents. That one's a wild card."
The group of friends tried to ignore the growing chaos around them to focus on their helpless and needy friend. "Just tell us about it, big guy," Mario whispered in as consoling a voice as he could muster.
"HEY, I'm TALKING TO LUIGI you cunt," Toad screeched, snatching his glass back from Shy Guy and breaking it against the counter to swing it threateningly as a weapon against the red plumber. "Interrupt him one more time you bitch, and so help me-"
With the loving and gentle finesse of a mother with a child, Peach lowered Toad's arms and gave him a hug around his bulbous mushroom head. "Just calm down, let's just calm down..."
While distracted, Shy Guy and Boo splashed Toad's face with a bucket of water. After spasming as if the life had been scared out of him, he managed to catch his breath and calm down a bit. "Ugh, you guys just don't understand..." he mumbled before almost breaking down into tears. "Toadette broke up with me."
The room stayed silent in respect for a few seconds before Toad broke his own silence with a wrathful, inebriated scream. "The bitch broke UP WITH ME!!" he shouted at the top of his lungs, wrestling away from Peach and tackling Bullet Bill to the ground.
"Toad, you're drunk! You're hurting the people you care about!" Mike Tyson pleaded as Toad got in a few solid hits on Bill's face before Mario could tackle him away.
Seeing his chance, Bowser took Mario by surprise and broke a chair over his head, attempting to start a huge bar fight. "I hope your body is ready, Mario! Bwahaha!" Before anything could come of his plot, however, the meme police quickly removed him from the tavern.
By one in the morning, the bar had been returned to proper shape by the help of some of the locals who repaired the damages, and Toad's friend who stood around him with concern as he nursed his headache with an ice pack. "Feeling any better yet, Toad?" Luigi asked.
Toad sniffed as he held back his tears. "Kind of, but not really... Toadette is gone..."
"Hey, Toad, buddy... want to talk about it?" Mario asked as kind as could be, "Want to tell us what went down?"
"Well..." Toad began, taking them back in time into the land of memories.

It was a dark and stormy night behind a door that Toad thought he had locked. With lotion in hand, he had set aside the evening for himself to blow off all of the steam he had accumulated through spending his time with such a high maintenance girl friend. Bless her heart, he thought, but Toadette takes a bit too much of his wallet and not quite enough of his heart. Not tonight, though, because he was set to blow off steam.
"Here we go!"
He slowly slid his hand down his stomach and onto his junk, gently swiping his fingers up and down with one hand and jiggling his coins with the other. In a matter of seconds he was more than ready to begin, as it didn't take much to get him excited after weeks of staying dry.
"Okay!"
  Shaking his hand up and down with rising intensity he began to enjoy himself thoroughly, sliding his fingers from tip to base up and down his throbbing cock. Feeling a little naughty, he let his thoughts drift towards the other femme fatales of the Mushroom Kingdom. 'Oh, Peach, stop playing with my nips! What's that Daisy, you want a taste yourself? Dig in! Oh, look over there! Rosalina's doing a trampy little dance! Man, what a dirty slut.' All these and more, because Toad was the mack daddy of the Mushroom Kingdom.
"I'm the best!"
  Though he didn't realize, his faithful girlfriend Toadette had let herself into the home and was peaking from behind the door. To her horror, her precious boyfriend was drooling and foaming in the mouth and slamming his hand up and down with force as if he were trying to smash a coconut open. With each downward motion his sinister grin lit up and his tongue flapped like a happy dog.
"Woo!"
  "Toad!!"
"AWWowowowow!!"
  "EEEEK!!"
"AHHHHH!!!!"
  With that, Toad could barely contain himself at the shock augmenting the pleasure of his actions. Mushroom soup shoot out in messy globs like a stream of coagulating water from a tap water fire hydrant. The walls were so sticky and gross that even Mario and F.L.U.D.D. would have a hard time cleaning up after him.

"That's... that's it?" Luigi asked, surprised.
"Well, yeah..." Toad whimpered.
"Shit, I had a fap twice that good with Peach watching just the other day. Tough luck bro, but things will get better," Boo admit with a guilty blush.
"It's true, I was there," Peach reaffirmed.
"We're gonna have to have a talk," Mario grumbled to Peach.
"So you don't even take this problem seriously?" Toad gasped, almost in disbelief.
"Not really!" Yoshi laughed heartily, and the others and even the bar tender joined in. Soon the whole room was laughing around Toad.

Toad turns and looks right at you, motherfucker. That's right, you the reader. He's looking dead into your eyes. "What if this happened to you."