Kaleb Speed/Quotes

## Chapter 1

"*Yo wassup Brody! How ya been!?*"
– Kaleb's first line

"*🤰*"
– Kaleb numerous times

"*Sir! Can i borrow your constipation tablets?*"
– Kaleb to Mr. Greg

"*JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE*"
– Kaleb when he can't find Jake

## Chapter 2

"*Great because i bought Ed’s Magic Set for 6 year olds yesterday and i still struggle to make a red ball disappear in a top hat!*"
– Kaleb after asking Tricia if she's a magician

"*Shhhh! A true magician never tells his secrets!*"
– Kaleb after Noah explains the trick to him

"*Oh how'd you get in? Oh wow its a race thing isn't it? \*\*\*\*\* give us a break!*"
– Kaleb after him, Andrew & Brody get kicked out of a sex store

"*You're not leaving until you compliment my FUCKING room!*"
– Kaleb threatening everyone

## Chapter 3

"*We should sing the water bottle song! Hang on. I'll start. 100 bottl-*"
– Kaleb singing on the bus

"*Andrew! Quick! Come back! Before Ms. Clofome strangles your penis!*"
– Kaleb to Andrew

"*Oh I see how it is.*"
– Kaleb on multiple occasions

"*I would take you more seriously if your fly was tucked in.*"
– Kaleb to V-Neck

"*Dude you shoulda seen me get chased to get this motherfucker a towel! They kept getting at me asshole!*"
– Kaleb's story

"*Would you rather climb a spiky tree butt naked or have 20 pythons crawl all over.*"
– Kaleb after Brody contradicts his story

"*AH! IT WAS YOU WHO RAPED ME!*"
– Kaleb to Mr. Salami

"*Never fear Jake! I consented.*"
– Kaleb talking about Mr. Salami sexually harassing him

"*We can be friends still, i just think, if you understand our differences......... That I'm wearing women's underwear.*"
– Kaleb to V-Neck

"*Sir I think I may be a preacher.*"
– Kaleb to Mr. Janky

"*Well we’re em”barress”ments HAHAHAHAHA!*"
– Kaleb to Barress

"*No! Rock beats paper!*"
– Kaleb after losing RPS with Jake

"*Ooh this fur jacket........... but this ones a half one, and this one’s a full one. And this one’s a short sleeved one, and this one’s a short sleeved half one. \*\*\*\*\* this is too hard for a stupid \*\*\*\*\* like me.*"
– Kaleb looking at fur jackets

"*Oh. Thats not what i was worrying about. I have Trypophobia.*"
– Kaleb staring at a chair with a hole in it

"*Wait you’re meant to wash your penis everyday?*"
– Kaleb

"*AH SHIT I FORGOT TO TURN OF THE SINK!!!!*"
– Kaleb after Mr. Bob informs him about running water from his room

"*I just ran over, Adrians Cat. Made me wanna, become fat. Saw its corpse and it was taken by a rat. That rat was actually? Brody with Jake’s Hat.*"
– Kaleb rapping

"*I heard someone say it in primary and they got suspended.*"
– Kaleb stating that Cauliflower is a swear word

"*He prefers to be called Paddle Pop Stick.*"
– Kaleb telling The Drama Teacher Andrew's new nickname

"*JIMMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*"
– Kaleb after screwing up his Skribbl.io drawing

"*I SAID TROWEL!!!*"
– Kaleb after Scott mistakes it for towel

"*Darn. I guess the Harry Potter book without covering, uneven spirit level, stepless stepladder, bag of Pringles, tin of Doritos, built Lego, transparent bible, and upside down Japanese flag won’t ever be used.*"
– Kaleb reading out his Secret Santa ideas

"*Whoever can tie my shoelaces in the fastest time wins my wood tech chair from year 7.*"
– Kaleb thinking of a game idea

"*You have cumstains in your jacket, blame Jake by the way. The cumstains smell like Greeks.*"
– Kaleb to Chrysa

"*Anyways, Andrew’s gone momentarily. For like 2 minutes and since i’m third on command-*"
– Kaleb establishing his leader position

"*Lets play Hangman!*"
– Kaleb suggesting an idea

"*You are all racist fucks! If only i could send you to the 60s. See how you like it there.*"
– Kaleb threatening everyone

"*Good.*"
– Kaleb after Andrew tells Chrysa that Scott is sick

"*hang on you’re doing this wrong. Ahem. JAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!*"
– Kaleb trying to wake up Jake

"*Wakey wakey its 2045 now. America dissolved.*"
– Kaleb waking up Ben

"*How about an apple bobbing contest?*"
– Kaleb suggesting an idea

"*So? Africa had some pretty gnarly food cuisine.*"
– Kaleb after Izak inquires about his interesting burger

"*Then why is there a sign of a woman named Amy there, huh? I come to this McDonald's and i'm expecting to see Amy! This is false advertisement!*"
– Kaleb to Izak

"*ITS ALSO A MALE’S TOY I DON’T WANT THIS SHITTY MR MEN SHOW TOY!!!*"
– Kaleb staring into his Happy Meal

"*The Yemeni Internal Conflict was the French’s fault. Yeah right.*"
– Kaleb reading the McDonald's packaging

"*Where's the free straw that came with the table?*"
– Kaleb to Andrew

## Chapter 4

"*You accusing me of breaking in because i’m black isn’t it?*"
– Kaleb to Andrew

"*ROXX BEAT ME!? THAT FAT ASIAN!!?!?!?*"
– Kaleb raging in Mario Kart

"*Damn, I thought we were gonna gang smash Lila or Evie. Either one's fine.*"
– Kaleb to Ajax

"*Phew. At least i won’t turn into Michael Jackson.*"
– Kaleb after the fortune teller tells him he'll forever be black

"*Hm. Maybe i shouldn't have thrown Jake at it.*"
– Kaleb staring at the hole in Andrew's ceiling

"*How about we play Strip Twister?*"
– Kaleb suggesting an idea

"*What about Trivial Pursuit... OOH OOH! WHAT ABOUT MAHJONG!!*"
– Kaleb suggesting ideas.

"*Hmmm… That i fucked my dad’s wife?*"
– Kaleb to Andrew

"*Hello I am an old man.*"
– Kaleb disguised as an old lady

"*You see its kind of a funny story. I woke up in a trance and waltzed into the parliament and kinda stole this 2 week old box of porridge.*"
– Kaleb explaining why he's an old woman

"*You’re meant to call her ma gyal*"
– Kaleb talking about Sophia to Coleman

"*If only coleman didn’t leave your fucking pills in ma gyal’s place!*"
– Kaleb mad at Andrew

"*Your mom is the lesson plan.*"
– Kaleb to Mr. Meaner

"*You need a submarine for a blow that low!*"
– Kaleb to Zalendia after stating she wanted to give a blowjob