Mother Doesn't Know Best

Mother Doesn't Know Best is the twelfth chapter in the Wombles One.

Mother woke up in his office.  He opened the window and a saw a strange place with wombles, people and a balloon, which oddly roared.  He walked around and found a house.  It was number two.  He went in, up the stairs and across a futuristic bridge.  There was a ball.  It turned around and was actually a chair. In the chair was a womble.  “I am number two!” he said.  “Who is number one?” asked Mother.  “You are number, er, seven because we already have a six!” replied the womble.  “What do you want?” asked Mother.  “Information! We want information!” shouted the womble.

Another womble walked in. “You’re Tomsk, there’s information for you!” said Bungo.  “Number six!” said Tomsk.  “Pleased to meet you I’m Mother.” Said Mother to Bungo.  “I was adopted?” replied a shocked Bungo.  “No!  I’m Mother! Not your mother!” said Mother. “Whose mother are you?” asked Tomsk. “Nobody’s mother!” shouted Mother. “Denial!” said Bungo and Tomsk together. Mother was just going to walk out when he saw a back door.  He went through and found a control room with two men on a big seesaw.

There was a big screen showing a womble in a cage being beaten by another womble with a whip.  He didn’t hesitate.  Mother grabbed the microphone.  “Womble with a whip!”  The voice sounded where Alderney was being savage.  “Yes you!”  She was a bit shocked.  “It’s Mother here!”  “I, I didn’t mean it mother!  What are you doing here?” she said.  “I’m not your mother!  I’m Mother!” shouted Mother.  “Whose mother are you then?” asked Alderney.  “Nobody’s mother!” he shouted back.  “I’m just confused now.” Said Alderney and turned savage again.

Mother swung the seesaw round as hard as he could.  It went around and round and round.  Somehow the numbers one to a hundred appeared on the floor.  Steed came up to him.  “A good spin! 50 might not be enough.  Do you want to spin again?  Remember over 100 and you are out!”  Mother did spin again.  He got 17 giving 67.  The controller got 120 so he was out.

“You’re through the showcase showdown!” said Steed.  He led Mother through a curtain and lots of big expensive things were shown by a woman in a bikini and a muscly man in trunks.  They both had fake white smiles.

“A yellow Bentley!  A Lotus Elan!  A Lotus Europa!  A London apartment with a pole like Batman’s!  Another London apartment without one but loads of champagne!  All this could be yours if the price is right!” shouted Steed.

Mother guessed that it was worth £2 million.  Steed unveiled the real price.  Mother was exactly right.  “You’re a winner!  Amazing!” said Steed.  “Not really” said Mother “You, Emma and Tara put them all through expenses and I signed them off!”

Tara was wondering where her car had gone.  She had been driving, then all of a sudden sitting on the road, with her hands still in a position as if she were holding onto a steering wheel.  Miss Peel and Steed stopped driving Cathy’s car, got out, went up to Tara, and asked what had happened.  “I don’t know.” Replied Tara.  “There was a flash of wombly orange, and then my car was just gone!” Miss Peel looked confused.  “Why would a womble steal your car?”  “Maybe they were tidying up?” suggested Steed. “But why would they tidy up a car with a driver in it?”  They all looked blank for a minute, then Miss Peel said, “Let’s get back to the burrow and check on our cars, Steed.”  “Can’t I come too?” asked Tara.  “Uh, no.” replied Miss Peel, so her and Steed went off linking arms, while Tara went off in a huff to find Dr Keel.

When they arrived at the burrow, both their cars had gone!  “Don’t worry,” said Steed.  “I also have two green Bentleys.  We can use them.”

Cathy liked her new bus. Suddenly Venus came in.  “What are you doing here?” asked Cathy.  “I thought you were meant to be entertaining the young wombles.” “I was earlier…” replied Venus.  “But then I got a report from Mother.  About you.”  Cathy put a very worried face on, and ran out the bus with Venus chasing her.  They ran past Wimbledon Common, so Miss Peel and Steed saw her when they were just coming out of the burrow, so they went and chased with Venus.  This was NOT a very good day for Cathy so far.

Mother was pleased with his new control room.  The only trouble was he couldn’t escape from it as evil wombles were after him.  Bungo knocked.  “Who is it?” asked Mother.  “Just me” said Bungo.  “I’ll let in Bungo but nobody else!” snapped Mother.  “I AM BUNGO” shouted Bungo.  “Me said he was on his own!” replied Mother.  “Bungo is on his own” said Bungo.  “Bungo can come in but me can’t!” replied Mother.  Bungo went in and threw Mother out.

“Why did you throw me out?” asked Mother.  “Because” replied Bungo “You see Me is not allowed in here”.  “Quite right!” said Mother and threw Bungo out.  Madame Cholet was there.  “I am the new number two!” she said.  Bungo looked annoyed.  “No you are not!  You are Madame Cholet!” he replied.

“You are number six” she replied in turn.  Bungo sighed and muttered under his breath.  “Not again, alright”  “Who” he said yawning “is number one, and don’t tell me I’m six again!”  “You’re six!” replied Madame Cholet.  “Happy Birthday!  Here is your cake!”  She gave Bungo a big cake so he took it back to his cottage.  He cut the cake to have a slice and Orinoco appeared.  “CAKE!” he shouted.  “Go away fatso!” shouted Bungo back.  Orinoco didn’t so Bungo knocked him out.  He was just about to eat his cake when he noticed words inside it.  It read.

“Meet at the beach four o’clock!  PS Can you fly a helicopter?  BTW Happy Birthday again!  Love and hugs MC”

Bungo headed to the beach as it wasn’t far off four.  When he got there Madame Cholet was acting evilly but winked at Bungo.  Somehow Madame Cholet was overcoming the evil drug. They climbed into the helicopter and Madame Cholet said “Well?”  “Well what?” replied Bungo.  “Can you fly a helicopter?”  “Well no” he said.

“I can” said another voice. It was Mother.  He climbed into the seat but unfortunately he had become fat again because he ate Bungo’s cake!  Bungo and Madame Cholet fell out and Mother flew off to go back to London. Bungo and Madame Cholet woke up in cottage number six.

The phone rang. Madame Cholet answered it.  “You are number seven!” said Miss Adelaide. “Oh no!” said Bungo “Now you’re a prisoner.”  Madame Cholet shrugged and started cooking.  Meanwhile Mother was chasing his bus in the helicopter.  It wouldn’t stop so he let down the hook and flew off with it.