Fake TPOT 45c: The Amazing Reverse Race/part 1

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.

"**The Amazing Reverse Race**" is the third part of the non-canon forty-fifth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 20 April 1989. Since TPOT 2 has already been released, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

Description if this were on YouTube:

Have mercy! Did that volcano scene end in a cliffhanger or what? Well, that's something for later. The cliffhanger, that is.

Anyway, it's time to get ready to have a look at a bunch of new scenes of old places in this episode. These days it's not always possible to go back to the good ol' days 'cos, well, the good ol' days were never that good to begin with. But they're there. Here. Whatever!

Previous episode: "Nine Kids on the Block"

## Cold open

### **Flat 2: Pen and the kids**

**Scene**A continuation of the previous episode. At the flat, the offspring are doing their own thing in the kitchen—**Yesa** is doing paperwork and trying to feed **Soniri** at the same time, while **Maxine** and **Cillita** are using their handheld television, **Rhoza** is poking **Ivjær** with a glue bottle (Ivjær is cutting paper), and **Tizeyra** and the rest of the **boys** are watching a sports game on the larger television in the living room, into which they sort of spill over because there are so many of them. **Pen** walks around the rooms trying to strike up a conversation.
#### Kitchen

* **Guy on TV**: [*off-screen*] Where the *heck* is your holiday spirit? Sing! It's Christmas, so you must *sing!* SLEIGH BELLS RIIIING!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Like, totally lame.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Ain't nobody singing in an airport unless they're decked out in those loose orange robes.
* **P****en**: Haha, that's so true! Ah, that reminds me of when I was at the airport and there was this guy, right?

[*Maxine presses a button on the fan, which makes a noise that sounds suspiciously like "I hate you!". The fan makes Pen stumble in the opposite direction.*]

* **P****en**: So anyway—oh, hello, Yesa—I was standing at the terminal at Teeth-row in '83, eh, and this guy was...
* **Y****es****a**: Erm, could you please finish that somewhere else? I'm trying to get in touch with the younger ones' schools. Do you know how hard it is to enrol someone where in the "Family History" section I have to write "None"?
* **P****en**: Y'know, your great-grandmother was a nun in the old country. That's why we called her *nonna*! [*giggles*]
* **Y****es****a**: Uh-huh...

#### Living room

* **Boys**: [*watching the television*] Whoooooo!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): You fricking got it, man!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): That was so *awesome*, right, Louie?
* **O****is** (Lou): Uh, yeah, I guess. But I've seen better.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Oh yeah? When?

[*Enter* **Pen**.]

* **O****is** (Lou): Clearly not now.
* **P****en**: Hi, boys, didn't notice you there.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): We must have been too quiet for you. /s
* **P****en**: Good one! [*finger guns him and looks at the TV*] Hey, I'd recognize those cheering crowds anywhere! I always thought baseball season started in April.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): It's not baseball, Pen.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Yeah, this is cricket.
* **O****is** (Lou): You'd probably hate it.
* **P****en**: Oh. Alright then. [*claps once*] Mind if I watch with yous guys?

[*Enter* **Cillita** *into the living room, looking back into the kitchen.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Hello.
* **P****en**: Hiya, Zira!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Huh?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): I'm Ita. [*points*] *That's* Zira.

[*Zira waves at Pen from her backless chair.*]

* **P****en**: I'm terribly sorry. I'm still trying to learn your names.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): I get it. Kind of. Anyway, um, I was wondering if you had any cap scrunchies here.
* **P****en**: Cap scrunchies?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): They're super popular.
* **O****is** (Lou): No, they're not; Max's stock in 'em just dropped five points!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Shh!

[*Ita's eyebrows dart towards the front door. Lou mouths "Oh!" to himself and nods once.*]

* **P****en**: Well, if they're popular, Penc and I might just have it. I'll go check the bathroom.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Don't take too long!
* **P****en**: Oh, I won't! [*walking backwards to the bathroom closet*] Y'know, I wish I was familiar with all this fashion stuff now like when I was younger. I bet none of yous've ever heard of pleated trousers and mackinaw jackets, haha!

[*Exit* **Pen**. *All watch as he shuts the door.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): [*almost mockingly*] Haha!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Alright, he's gone!

[*Enter* **Ivjær**, **Rhoza** *and* **Maxine**.]

* **R****h****oza**: Thank Beetlejuice.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): No more half-coherent distractions!
* **O****is** (Lou): Let's get out of here!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Ooh, we're going on an adventure!

[*All begin to file out of the flat. Manent* **Zira** *and* **Ita**.]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Even though I totally disagree with this plan, good job.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Oh, lighten up, Ita—I mean *Zira*.

[*Zira laughs to herself and heads towards the front door.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): *You coming, Yesa?*

[*Enter* **Yesa**, *carrying* **Soniri**.]

* **Y****es****a**: Sorry, I was just feeding our newly-discovered kid brother *and* picking out your O-levels. You're welcome, Ita.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Thank you, "Mum". But you're not taking the baby with us, are you?
* **Y****es****a**: We can't leave him here alone. And I'm sure Soniri'd be well happy to go for a ride, eh, Sonny?
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Well...
* **Y****es****a**: Sure he would.

[*Exeunt.*]

### **Outside**

**Scene**All the kids are outside, taking in the sight of the Fovitwe from the flat. Numerous ex-contestants and other Fovitwe denizens can be seen relaxing and enjoying their competition-free Monday, and even **Two** can be seen far away on the other side of the complex, sitting on a sofa and surrounded by a few unrecognizable people.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): I so love the great outdoors.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Maxi, what makes the outdoors so great?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): It's better than being inside.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Yeah, we're *escapin'*, baby!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Long live the prison break, I guess.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Wait, guys, look.

[*Zira points in the distance.*]

* **Y****es****a**: What is it?
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): That looks like... Pencil.

[*We see what the kids are looking at:* **Pencil**, **Pin**, **Golf Ball** *and* **Black Hole** *have returned to the Fovitwe to start the contest all over again.*]

* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): What do we do?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): I don't know!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): And you're the smart one, holy—

[*Soldaar V. is interrupted by the intro.*]

## Contest break

* **R****h****oza**: Quick, inside!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): No, wait, it looks like she's waving at us.
* **Y****es****a**: This is the first time she's recognized us without us having to sing about it.
* **O****is** (Lou): Got that right.

[*Pencil cups her hands around her mouth.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): What is she doing?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Oh rolaids, is she imitating a subculture? Goatees are *so* out!

[*Pencil calls from far away, as the other Contestants react by flinching and trying to pay as little attention to her as possible.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: ***HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*The kids all wave back.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: ***Wonderful weather we're having today, yeah?***
* **Y****es****a**: ***It certainly is a step up from the desert!***
* **R****h****oza**: Must you be so loud?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): [*imitating Yesa*] ***Yes!***
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***I wish I could get closer to you kids, but I've got a contest to keep up with! I'd be letting my fellow contestants down if I stayed behind for a chat, but I promise, I'll talk to you all later! Has your father been treating you well?***

[**Golf Ball** *shouts something inaudible to* **Pencil**. *The two exit the scene, followed by* **Pin** *and* **Black Hole**.]

* **O****is** (Lou): Do you think Pencil actually cares about Pen looking after us?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Oh, speaking of him!

[*Sol runs inside the flat.*]

* **Y****es****a**: And where are you going?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): I forgot something!

[**Sol** *enters the flat* *and gets to the bathroom door, where we can hear the sounds of an absurdly naïve man rummaging through a laundry basket, humming the tune to "A Groovy Kind of Love". Sol rolls his eyes and locks the door, trapping Pen inside. Sol runs back outside and joins the others.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Done. [*dusts his hands*]
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): You locked a door, no need to pretend you got your hands dirty.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Oi, you wot, those are fightin' words!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Don't attack me! Attack the system that enables you to keep acting like this!
* **Y****es****a**: You guys, stop it! I'm not going to let you squabble on our way to the cinema. Do I need to remind you that it's a privilege that you've got the free-smart to go into town? Some people live at home and don't even want to!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Sorry, sis.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): What he said.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): She's right about the freedom part, though; I never thought we'd have a competitor for a mum and a space cadet for a father.

[*Soni exspectati of agreement.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Okay, okay, but before we get there, I need to know what I'm getting tickets for in the first place. We've all got to agree on something.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): We could see *The Land Before Thyme*.
* **R****h****oza**: No, *Chile's Play*! It's been a while since I've been creeped out by a scary-looking kid.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Why don't you look in a mirror, fool?
* **R****h****oza**: Eat my shorts, you half–ballpoint-brained nerdazoid.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): You turkey!
* **Y****es****a**: *And* we're walking.

[*Incipiunt ire omnes. Dialogue fades out.*]

* **O****is** (Lou): I still say we should see that *Ogallbladder and Company* show.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): That's not what it's called!
* **O****is** (Lou): Sure, but it's definitely something related to digestion.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Gross, you boys stop talking! I just had lunch!
* **Y****es****a**: Okay, the next person who suggests a movie sits outside while the rest of us watch.

### **Outside Flat 9**

**Scene**A scene of seriousness: **Two** sits on the Afos (which had been moved from the Cake at Stake place to the front of Liy's flat), while **Gaty** and **Winner** circle them with instructional comportments. **Cloudy** and **Naily** sit not too far from the scene in permitted observation. A blackboard can be seen in the background with the number 10 written on it.
* **Cloudy**: *Très magnifique!*
* **N****a****ily**: Yeah, and as Taggy'd say, you do you, Two!
* **G****at****y**: Alright, Two, it's finally confirmed. Your gender is unchanged from the one you had when you immigrated here: it's *number*. I wonder if that counts as transsexual.

[*Winner clears their throat.*]

* **G****at****y**: I mean transgender, yeah, that makes more sense.
* **Two**: Well, I intend to keep it that way. So back off, prescriptive linguists and governments!
* **G****at****y**: [*nodding*] That I have also written down.
* **Winner**: [*Aside.*] I'm sure Their Bureaucraticness will have fun with that. /hj

[*Enter the Contestants:* **Black Hole**, **Pin**, **Golf Ball** *and* **Pencil**.]

* **Golf Ball**: Two!
* **Two**: Oh, hi, guys! Could you give me a minute please? I'm in the middle of my first Terrestrialization course.
* **Golf Ball**: I know. I came as quickly as I could when I heard you mentioning prescriptive linguists in a negative light.
* **Two**: [*confused*] Huh?
* **P****i****n**: Two, we have an issue with the contest.
* **Two**: I see, and you ran here just to tell me about it. Good job! But when I said this was a *reverse* race, I didn't mean for you to run back to me. A simple return to the first checkpoint in my market would suffice.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Two, what Pin's saying is that we do, indeed, have an, issue.
* **Winner**: Maybe you can come back in a minute. Gaty's teaching Two their first lesson.
* **Golf Ball**: On behalf of teachers across America, I don't even want to know what goes on in a "Terrestrialization" class. We have a problem that prevents us from completing the contest!
* **Two**: But this one is really interesting! We're having our lesson on gender studies and I'm starting to get a lot out of it! Why, if you lot weren't Earthlings, I'd recommend this course to you too! Too! [*laughs*] I said my name.
* **Cloudy**: Twice.
* **N****a****ily**: Time to add to your collection, Cloudy.

[**Winner** *retreats to the back of the scene and changes the 10 on the blackboard into a 12. As this happens, the Contestants look at one another, growing impatient.*]

* **Two**: I mean, it's *so* funny that I've been saying my name so much lately. I suppose my minder was right; these lessons *are* to give me a greater sense of self-awareness.
* **G****at****y**: That is exactly what they're for. See, the same thing happened to me when I was younger. Picture it: Trst, 1959.
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***Two, we've got an issue!***
* **Two**: [*sighs*] And what's that?

[*Pencil backs away to let Black Hole speak.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote is no longer alive. Could it be, um, if it's okay with you, that at this moment, which is one of planet-specific education for you...
* **Two**: You want me to recover Remote.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's right.
* **Two**: You couldn't be more abrupt than that.

[*Sternuit unum cylindrum receptatorum.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wow, that, that was very fast.
* **Two**: You're lucky I'm already in a good mood. I just found out what that TV preacher meant when she wanted to "save the gays from aid".
* **G****at****y**: That's next week, Two, and don't believe everything you see before it's been talked about.

[**Remote** *breaks out of the cylinder.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yah.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yay, Remote, you're here.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: See, Pencil, I can be forceful too.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, we get it, you've come back from the dead and you want to be a little cheeky. Come on, we've got a challenge to meet and we can't have anybody dying.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Good idea.
* **P****i****n**: Actually, I was thinking we could stay and watch Two's lesson—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Come on!

[**Pencil** *picks up* **Pin** *(the opposite of what happened in BFDI 1b) and leads the other Contestants to the Tec Pulcussar to start the contest all over again.* **Golf Ball** *follows her, as do* **Remote** *and* **Black Hole**, *who* *shrug* *and exit as well. Silence, as Two, Gaty and Naily look at one another in confusion.*]

* **Cloudy**: I never bought Leafy's "Some of my best teammates are homobowluals" nonsense either.

## Contest resumed

### **Montage**

**Scene**The same as in the previous episode; the only difference is that these scenes are very much fast-forwarded—even the background music is speedier than usual. The Contestants make their way through the Tec Pulcussar into the city, where they sneak through the crowds at Tew's Market to the travel agency, from where they are virtually teleported to the South Goiky District (we can see Golf Ball crying melodramatically as she looks at the old BFDI set for about half a second) and have to be flown by Black Hole to the house at 21 Nump Street, climb the Eiffel Tower and cross the Balance Beam Bridge, where the scene gradually slows down to real time.
### **Checkpoint 4: Balance Beam Bridge**

**Scene**
* **P****i****n**: [*high-pitched and sped up*] Well we're here we've passed all the checkpoints and we're back to where we left off who wants to fall into the volcano first I know I want to but if anybody else wants to fall that would be good too perhaps even the best because I have a fear of falling into volcanoes—
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*regular speed*] Why are you talking like that?
* **P****i****n**: Oh... we stopped.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Never mind that now; here come the ecars.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And you might want to catch it this time, GB.

[*Golf Ball sticks out her tongue at Pencil in a rare instance of childlike pettiness. The Ecar Launcherr at the end of the bridge launches ecars at all of the Contestants. They all catch it, even Golf Ball.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Victory is mine!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Victory doesn't really belong to anyone yet. We still have to get past the volcano checkpoint, and from there an accretion discful of other checkpoints, to win.
* **P****i****n**: All this and without dying too!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh no.

[**Golf Ball**, **Pin** *and* **Pencil** *jump off the bridge and land on one of the pads. They don't die.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Don't worry, Remote, I'll be around you the whole time.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You just saying that?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I did say that, didn't I? /j Come on.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Okay.

[*Black Hole lets Remote into his orbit and they float down the crater together.*]

### **Checkpoint 5: The Volcano**

**Scene**On the pad, which **Pencil**, **Pin** and **Golf Ball** are already standing on. Enter **Remote** and **Black Hole**.
* **P****i****n**: I see you've got life insurance, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yep. I am not going to die this time.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No one will die this time. Come around, guys.
* **Golf Ball**: What, but I want to do it myself!
* **P****e****nci****l**: This is no time for an impromptu demonstration, Golf Ball. But hold on, BH, you'd really let us orbitize you?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Why not? It's no skin off my... whatever.

[*Black Hole lets the others into his orbit and flies them past the volcanic pads they were expected to jump across.*]

#### Super Long Floe

* **P****i****n**: Whee!

[*Black Hole removes the other Contestants from his orbit.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What? What'd you do that for?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I feel like we can do this one by ourselves. This floe might be long, but it is also runnable.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Again? But my death might be caused.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Your death might *not* be caused, too. I have faith that you'll be able to make it through.
* **Golf Ball**: And if you don't make it through, we'll all be a bunch of teed-off losers who'll have to do the challenge—
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Golf Ball...
* **Golf Ball**: [*sighs*] Apology given.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Alright, let's move in a single-file queue.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I go first!

[*All begin to walk across the Super Long Floe on their way out of the volcano, carefully.*]

* **Golf Ball**: [*Aside.*] Makes sense that *she'd* volunteer to see the light first.
* **P****i****n**: I thought Pencil was pretty convincing.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's the first time I heard you say "pretty" and my name in the same sentence, Pin.

[*Meanwhile, Remote is walking extremely slowly across the floe. Black Hole trails behind her, watching her.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: How are you doing up ahead, Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think I'm fine.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Good job.

[*Slowly but surely, the two are the last to reach the checkpoint, where they meet the others.*]

* **P****i****n**: Hooray, you two made it!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Deathlessly.

[*The Ecar Launcherr launches five ecars at the contestants and, as in the previous episode, they read out Two's message (while Two's voice is heard instead of their own).*]

* **Two**: So you made it out of the volcano just in time. I bet you had to start all over again—I knew at least one of you was going to die in there, as morbid as it is to say. Anyway, it's time for you contestants to get out of the heat and into the cold. Don't believe me? Well, as you read this part of my message, a portal is opening right next to the Ecar Launcherr...

[*A portal opens outside the volcano, right next to the Ecar Launcherr. It looks almost exactly like the Rejection Portal from* Inanimate Insanity.]

* **Two**: So that you can make your way to the sixth checkpoint, a place that's perhaps suitable for this current season. Once you've made it through the portal (the *you* refers to all of you at once, of course), you'll need to search the surrounding woods for your next checkpoint; I *won't* be so generous as to tell you exactly where it is. Good luck, and don't forget to keep a cool head!

[*Silence.*]

#### Outside the volcano

[*All exit the volcano and walk quite nervously towards the portal, which makes eerie ambient noises.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Not it.
* **P****i****n**: What, I'm not going first! I've seen *IIII*; that thing looks like it can take me out at first sight!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Steady on, I've been eliminated dozens of times. I mean, it's only been twice, but whenever I'm sent off I feel as though I'm getting sent off time after time.
* **Golf Ball**: Be more curious! And how is *that* supposed to make me feel better?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Who am I, Dr. Joyce Smothers? I was just quoting a song!

[**Black Hole** *goes through the portal. It makes a loud "Zeee-yooombp!" sound.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Black Hole has just joined the other side!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Then I'm following him.
* **P****i****n**: Ooh, so am I.

[**Remote** *and* **Pin** *jump through the portal. (Zee-yooombp! Zee-yooombp!)* **Pencil** *and* **Golf Ball** *cast embittered glances at each other before following suit, after which the portal disappears. (Zee-yooombp! Zee-yooombp! Eeee-yoooork!**)*]

### **Third leg: Forestland District**

**Scene**The Contestants fall out of the portal and into the snow.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I reckon that's enough falling out of portals for today.
* **P****i****n**: Look, Pencil!

[*Waldteufel's "Skater's Waltz" plays in the background as the Contestants take in the natural beauty of the area. The Contestants are in the Snowy Forest, a place that has hardly changed from the days of BFDIA. Trees, now covered in snow, dot the landscape, their frequency increasing towards the left of the screen, where the very edge of the Evil Forest can be seen.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I shall never understand why a tundra can exist only a few kilometres north of the equator.
* **Golf Ball**: I'll never understand why David exists, but that is the world we live in.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Fair point; I'll shut up.
* **Golf Ball**: As you should.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wow. This place is rad.
* **P****i****n**: Exactly, it's just as I remembered it! Of course, I didn't have my arms and legs with me like I do now, so this is like a whole new experience!

[*Remote breaks from the group to look at the trees.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Are you starting to appreciate the natural world, Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, I'm only following what Two said.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: She's right. We need to find Two's launcher, so we can read the message, and get to the next checkpoint.

[*Remote uses her laser powers to analyse the trees, searching in vain for the Ecar Launcherr.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Nothing here.
* **Golf Ball**: That means someone has to search through *there*.

[*The music stops abruptly as Golf Ball points to the Evil Forest. Everyone makes a hiss-like cringing noise.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, lovely. Pin, you search through the Evil Forest. I don't think I can stand being where I was eaten 24 years ago.
* **P****i****n**: Alright, I'll do it, but not because you told me to.
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's 'cos you care about our group dynamics, innit?
* **P****i****n**: [*sighs*] Mm-hmm.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Tree you later.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, yeah.

[*Pin turns around and faces the Evil Forest. An eerie-sounding, lonely timpani plays faintly in the background.*]

* **P****i****n**: [*sibi loquitur*] Okay, Pin, you can do this. You've been through the forest before; you can do it again. Hey, maybe things have changed! But you won't know, unless you start running through the...

[**Pin** *starts to pick up the pace and run through the Evil Forest, essentially exiting the scene.*]

* **P****i****n**: ***FOREEEEEEST!*** **CHẠY XUYÊN QUA,** **CHẠY XUYÊN QUA*!***
* **Golf Ball**: Wow. That's surprising.
* **P****e****nci****l**: People tend to speak their native language when they're nervous, Golf Ball. I think it's nice that she doesn't speak Danish.
* **Golf Ball**: There is no point in just staring and waiting for something to happen in the Evil Forest. I say we keep looking here, just in case *we've* missed anything. [*looks at Remote*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: When have I ever failed to notice anything?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, GB, when *has* she?

[*Golf Ball scoffs. Suddenly, Pin is heard screaming.*]

* **P****i****n**: [*off-screen*] ***AAAAAAAAAAAH!***

[*All turn towards the Evil Forest.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It sounds like Pin's in trouble.
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, she just ran into Bruce Villus in the woods.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh no, she's going to die hard.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That was sarcasm.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Come on, we have to get through the trees and such.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And by that you mean...

### **Checkpoint 6: Evil Canyon and the Bridge of Evil Taste**

**Scene**View of the Evil Canyon, which, unlike the Snowy Forest, has changed somewhat since our last visit. The piece of land connecting the two cliffs is back, in the form of a tackily-decorated bridge with neon lighting (that's why it's called the "Bridge of Evil Taste"). Enter the **Contestants**, who run out of the forest shouting various things at once. They all stop shouting, except for Remote, who continues to exclaim in Morse code.
* **[** **R****e****m****ot****e** · **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e** **]**: **[** Di-dah-dah-dit, di-dah, dah-dit, dah, di-di-dip. · Remote? Hey, Remote, everyone else stopped, screaming. **]**

[*Pause.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You were right, Pencil.
* **P****i****n**: [*off-screen*] Guys?

[*Everyone looks around.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Pin, where are you?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Are you calling from the great computer store in the sky?
* **P****i****n**: Down here!

[*Camera pan down.* **Pin** *is at the bottom of the gorge by the spikes. Although she is stuck upside down to the ground, she doesn't seem to be in any pain because her point forms a perfect tessellation with the spikes.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What are you doing down there?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think she's just... hanging around. /j
* **P****i****n**: No, I'm stuck! When I was getting out of the forest, I just kept walking backwards and backwards when I tripped and hit the spikes!
* **P****e****nci****l**: But there's a bridge right above you! [*Beat.*] On second thought, I'd rather be caught dead than cross that naff mess of a viaduct.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Don't worry, Pin, there will be someone to get you up.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: From your pre-stick-ament.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, Remote... Anyway, hasn't this happened to you before?
* **P****i****n**: It did. I need an Aresko to motivate me into turning the right way up.
* **Voice**: Or a Marker!

[*On the other side of the bridge stands* **Marker** *in a harness. He looks like he is about to bungee jump off the Bridge of Evil Taste.*]

* **[** **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e** · **R****e****m****ot****e** **]**: A pact member.
* **Ma****r****ker**: Hi, guys!

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **Ma****r****ker**: Never fear, 'cause I'm here!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wait, isn't it usually Foldy's job to clean up the spikes, at the bottom of this hole?
* **Ma****r****ker**: She's in the car this week!

[*Camera pan to the 1986 Honda Accord on Marker's side of the bridge.* **Puffball** *and* **Foldy** *sit in the front—Puffball is at the wheel while Foldy is next to her, sipping from a coffee mug.*]

* **P****i****n**: Somebody come to save me!
* **Ma****r****ker**: *Op!*

[*The contestants who know who Marker is gasp as he jumps down.*]

* **Ma****r****ker**: [*trying to lift Pin up*] *Uff!*
* **P****i****n**: Who-o-o-o-o-ah!
* **Ma****r****ker**: I'm trying as hard as I can!

[*Due to gravity, Marker bounces off the gorge and back onto the bridge on his bungee cord.*]

* **Ma****r****ker**: Sorry, Pin!
* **P****i****n**: It's fine; you loosened me up a bit. I can take it from here, thanks!

[*Due to gravity, Pin jumps from the spikes high enough to land on the bridge.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: *Alhamdulillahi*. You do well, man.
* **Ma****r****ker**: No problem! [*gives Puffball a thumbs up*] We're all good here!
* **Puffball**: Okay-dokay!

[*The car drives away without Marker in it.*]

* **Puffball**: [*trailing off*] Sorry, this was Bell's idea! She hates you still!
* **Ma****r****ker**: Aww!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Tough break, dude.
* **Ma****r****ker**: What do I do now?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Chase them. Chase them like you are preventing their deaths.
* **Ma****r****ker**: Okay!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wait, before you go, Markie, has your cousin rung you about our kids yet?
* **Ma****r****ker**: What kids?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside, to the others.*] He's probably still on the *A*'s. [*Aloud.*] Hear me out 'cos this is well interesting: Pen and I've just found out we've more children than he can count!
* **Ma****r****ker**: Really? How many?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Nine!

[*The others look at Pencil quizzically.*]

* **Golf Ball**: *Nine?*
* **P****e****nci****l**: I know what you lot are thinking and if anybody says anything I'll break their spine.
* **Ma****r****ker**: Cool beans! Now I can call nine more people my *næstsøskendebørn fjernet én gang*! [*Subtitles: "Second cousins once removed"*]

[*Exit* **Marker**, *running in glee.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Seriously, what *is* that?
* **P****i****n**: ♫ *Look what I've got!* ♫

[*Pin shows the other Contestants the Ecar Launcherr she has picked up. It immediately launches five ecars at everyone.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No way, where did you find it?
* **P****i****n**: [*points at the forest*] Right next to that tree over there, the one with the red leaf drawn on it, only it doesn't look like a drawing and it's moving slightly.

[*Pause. Pencil and Golf Ball in particular start to get creeped out.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: *And* we're reading.
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, let us do that.

[*The contestants read Two's message more quickly than usual.*]

* **Two**: My, my, my, that was a tough one! Who would have thought of how difficult it could be to place one of my Ecar Launcherrs next to a tree—trees are very rarely
* **P****i****n**: Scarely, I mean—
* **Two**: Scary! But does that mean *this* is the most dangerous checkpoint of all? Of course not! Now, I was going to send you to the Sun, but I decided to take you somewhere a little more sentimental, if you know what I mean.
* **Golf Ball**: I hope that has nothing to do with rocks.
* **Two**: Follow these coordinates; at least one of you must be able to find your way to it. Once inside, search the subterranean building for anything resembling a launcher and I'm sure you'll find it in the crowd. Even-two-ally!

[*Pause, as everyone looks at Remote.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh. [*beginning to read*]
* **Two**: Your next checkpoint can be found at two-times-two, two-divided-by-two, decimal point, two-minus-two, two-minus-two, two-times-two-times-two-times-two-divided-by-two...

[*Fade to the next scene.*]

## Flat 2 scene

### Water-closet

[*Our first view of Pencil and Pen's "water-closet" (a combination of closet and bathroom) since TPOT 40b, taken from a different angle than normal.* **Pen** *is inside, having made a big mess from dumping all the accessories from the laundry basket onto the floor, which Pencil will certainly disapprove of. He is alone, but he talks to himself.*]

* **P****en**: A-*ha!*

[*He picks up a green cap scrunchie.*]

* **P****en**: Gotcha, ya sneaky little dickens. Y'thought you could hide from me, eh? Grrr, I tell ya, I'm the toughest, baddest boy you'll ever meet on this side of town... 'cause you'll never meet Eraser! Haha, I'm just kiddin'. Ah, if only you could talk.
* **Cap Scrunchie**: [*in its mind, à la Teardrop in BFB 1*] *I can't* *talk, you moron!*

[*Pen gets up and tries to open the door.*]

* **P****en**: Hey, Ita, I just found the cap scrunchie you're looking for! It's green, not sure how you feel about that! [*Pause, as he tries to turn the handle.*] Not sure how *I* feel about that. Ita? C-could you help me with the door, please? [*Pause again.*] One of you *is* named Ita, right?

[*View of the rest of the house, which is empty.*]

* **P****en**: [*from inside*] It's not a name I'd use, so she's got to be real.

## Contest

### **Checkpoint 7: "An underground building"**

**Scene**View of a building full of numerous objects resembling Ecar Launcherrs, ornately hanging from threads or vulgarly standing up on their own. **Pencil**, **Pin**, **Remote** and **Golf Ball** fall from the sky and through the hole, screaming as they head into the underground structure. **Black Hole** comes in after them—he has let them out of his orbit too early.
* **Golf Ball**: Ow.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sorry.

[*Golf Ball looks up and gasps dramatically. The others follow.*]

* **Golf Ball**: People, look!
* **P****i****n**: Wow! It looks like heaven!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Heaven where everyone's an Ecar Launcherr.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Can't say I've never felt more out of place.
* **P****i****n**: There could be hundreds in here! How are we supposed to find the right one?
* **Golf Ball**: That is not what I am referring to! I know for a fact that this building is actually *my* Underground Factory, and Two has come in here to do the reverse of looting this place in the interests of competition! Ack, how typical of a number who calls challenges reverse races, for the love of putters!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What a barmy theory.
* **Golf Ball**: Quiet, Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm sorry, but I never really liked your factory to begin with.

[**Pin**, **Remote** *and* **Black Hole** *disperse to search for the correct Ecar Launcherr.*]

* **Golf Ball**: [*recycled line from BFDIA 5a*] Awhat?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I mean, the hot sauce–filled incinerator on the floor, the red writing on the walls... you show Pen that fan and as soon as you remind him what it means he'll scream! This place just brings back a lot of bad memories, most of which have you in them.
* **Golf Ball**: Ò! I will not tolerate this insulting behaviour, even from you! Let me make it a rule that everyone should—no!—everyone ***must*** like my underground factory, including team traitors!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Traitors? That was 24 years ago and, in case you haven't noticed, all my old teammates are gone!
* **Golf Ball**: I still hold a grudge!
* **P****i****n**: Can we *please* be nice to each other? I think we're on the other side of the Earth.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, let's not bring negative feelings, that are peculiar to where we are based, to other corners of the globe. [*Aside, to Remote.*] That's Golf Ball's job, as a tourist.
* **Golf Ball**: [*ignoring them both*] I'm not talking to you any more, Pencil! Frankly, you are unpleasant, unpatriotic and unworthy to be on any team I'm indebted to make out of us! And that includes the naming bit.
* **P****e****nci****l**: As if I should come up with a team name with you! Well, we... we are officially enemies again!

[*Dun-dun!*]

* **P****i****n**: And to think we've not even spent two minutes in this place.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Still waters run deep.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I thought the quote was, "Old wounds, they're, like, reopening."
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh yeah.

[*Pin sighs. A lightbulb suddenly appears above her head.*]

* **P****i****n**: I got it!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*pointing at the bulb*] I can see that.
* **P****i****n**: Guys, come around me!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why?
* **P****i****n**: If we're all standing together, the launcher will know we're in the same place and start shooting ecars at us!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That's a very smart plan.
* **Golf Ball**: I'll go on your side, Pin! That way I don't have to be next to—
* **P****e****nci****l**: *And* I'll take your side, Bla— [*feels herself on the verge of spaghettification*] Frick, never mind. I supposed I'm forced to stand next to "she-who-shall-not-be-named".
* **Golf Ball**: À—

[*Golf Ball stops herself from speaking to Pencil, as she promised.*]

* **P****i****n**: Alright, everyone, we make our move every three seconds.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*right next to her*] In which direction?
* **P****i****n**: Whichever way we want to, I guess. That's how it works on TV.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We might as well be hugging goodbye.

[*View of the scene from a corner of the room. The quintet (in this order* **Pencil**, **Golf Ball**, **Pin**, **Remote** *and* **Black Hole** *from left to right) remain in one place in silence for three seconds; then they move to the left, pause for three seconds, move to the right and so on. Eventually, by the time they've moved up they all decide to break the silence.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: This is getting annoying!

[*An Ecar Launcherr in the back—the real one—fires five ecars at the Contestants, hitting them all in the face (or, in Black Hole's case, in orbit).*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: There we are. Okay, I'm reading first. Stepping away from you now.

[*Golf Ball steps away, a bit peeved as she lets Pencil read Two's message in Two's voice.*]

* **Two**: If you're reading this message right now, it means you've successfully found my Ecar Launcherr amidst the others, which I have the great privilege of calling "my decoys" (thank you, Symphoniam Launcherrs, Incorporated!).

[*All look at one another, confused.*]

* **Two**: I assume you now know which building you are in, and if you are the owner of said building, I do apologize for doing the reverse of looting this place in the interest of competition. But hey, a reverse race's got to reverse. Now, you might think you're in the middle of nowhere (according to contest records, this building was last seen on our first set in 1971), but all you have to do is climb up the stairs, look around and realize you're not alone.
* **Golf Ball**: I know I'm not alone! [*looks at everyone in the room except Pencil*]

[*All go upstairs as they continue to read.*]

* **Two**: Your next checkpoint is somewhere inside a building that does not depress, but rises tall and proud amidst the concrete jungle, so that she may guide friendly strangers to its dazzling beacon of hope... and of memories.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: How's that for poetic?
* **P****i****n**: Very good, Two.

### **Fourth leg (retroactive): Yoyle City**

**Scene**The Contestants leave Golf Ball's underground laboratory (whose exterior has also been decorated with gratuitous lighting) and find themselves smack dab in the middle of Yoyle City—only this city looks completely different from the last time we visited. The sky remains yellow, albeit a much darker shade thereof owing to the time of day. Yoyle City is no longer "long-lost" and nearly uninhabited as it was two decades earlier, but has developed into a cosy, modern metropolis of the 1980s: illuminated signs and different coloured lights cover the old high-rise buildings, in the windows of which one can actually see objects doing work, just as one sees them strolling through the footpaths outside in tandem with the city's frequent cyclists; and cars speed by on all the roads, including the one faced by our shocked quintet. Dramatic music (à la BFDIA 5e) plays at first, which fades to "Sarışın" by Sezen Aksu as the Contestants walk around the city.
* **Golf Ball**: Oh my...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What is this place?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: This must be Yoyle City. I was able to see it, while the rest of you had your eyes closed up there.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Pardon our fear of heights, man. /j Nah, Yoyle City always looked different on the postcards. IDFB people, is this part of the gentrification thing Black Hole was talking about?
* **Golf Ball**: ***No.***

[*All look at Golf Ball (except Pencil, who rolls her eyes).*]

* **Golf Ball**: This... is a restoration. At the highest level! I feel compelled to explore every centimetre of the city and compare it to how it was twenty years ago! Thence I will publish my findings in the most exclusive scientific journal, and my fame in the academic world will be restored to me, just as this city restored itself to its former glory! Ha, ha!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Right, but before we do all that, um, fun stuff, we really should find the next checkpoint. Pencil, where did the ecar say we must go?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*looking at her ecar's number plate*] We've got to go somewhere that—
* **Two**: Rises tall and proud amidst the concrete jungle, so that she may guide friendly strangers to its dazzling beacon of hope and of memories.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Thank you, Two.
* **P****i****n**: Look alive, it's right in front of us! The Yoyle Needy! (*Hnngh!*)
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're right! [*to Black Hole and Remote*] We actually lived in the Yoyle Needy (*hnngh!*) for a few years after BFDIA, you know, when nobody else was living in it. [*Golf Ball scoffs at her seemingly being excluded.*] Why don't you let me show you the way?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Alright-y.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You're the earthly tour guide.

[*All head to the road.*]

* **P****i****n**: *Stooooop!*

[*All stop.*]

* **P****i****n**: You can't just cross the street when cars are going to and fro! That's breaking the law! What do you think this is? London?

[*All look at Pencil.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Sorry, I keep forgetting this place is no longer deserted. And that you're a bit of a "safety dancer".
* **P****i****n**: We have to make sure our streets are safe. Remember the town centre incident outside Tew's Market? Objects having tea parties in the road is not a good look for cities' tourist boards.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*defeated*] Yeah, yeah, yeah, road awareness and all that.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We'll find another way. Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Coming into orbit.

[*Black Hole lets Remote into his orbit and floats her up.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: See you girls later.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Mm.

[*Exeunt* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote**.]

* **P****i****n**: We'll take the detour.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'll walk this way!
* **Golf Ball**: And I will find a more efficient direction in which to walk!

[*Exeunt in different directions. Manet* **Pin**, *who is confused at first, but smiles because she doesn't have to hear Pencil and Golf Ball's silent arguments. She sings to herself.*]

* **P****i****n**: ♫ *Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh...* *doesn't seem to be anyone around.* ♫
* **Girl #2**: [*off-screen*] Hey, it's Pin from *The Power of Two*!
* **Old man #1**: She's overrated!
* **Baby #1**: *Get her!*

[*Various noises from the crowd as Pin gets ambushed for an autograph.*]

* **El****ma Deg****ranc****h****i****o**: [*among the voices in the crowd*] I've always wanted to see a celebrity here, but we never get any!

### **Checkpoint 8: Yoyle Needy**

**Scene****Pencil** enters the lobby of the newly-refurbished Yoyle Needy. Once there, she is greeted by the building's receptionist, Beyaz Peynir—one of the many people who use the building for various purposes. Bossa nova music plays in the background.
#### Lobby

* **Beyaz Peynir**: *Merhaba, randevunuz var mı?*
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*surprised*] Oh! That's right. [*Aside.*] People used to speak Turkish here, and now that people are here once more, they speak it again.
* **Beyaz Peynir**: Hello.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, *merhaba* to you too. Er... do you know where I can find an Ecar Launcherr? Looks like this, in fact.

[*Pencil draws an Ecar Launcherr with her finger. Beyaz Peynir's eyes follow.*]

* **Beyaz Peynir**: Oh, yes! You can find it near the top.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Thank you, erm... [*bows gracefully (yet awkwardly)*] *Teşekkür ederim.*

[*Pencil climbs up the steps, still looking back at the lobby, amazed at how it has changed.*]

#### Staircase

[**Pencil** *begins to climb the many steps of the Yoyle Needy. She encounters few people (most of whom don't notice her) because next to her is a lift. As she walks, she looks around for an Ecar Launcherr, but to no avail.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*quietly, sibi loquitur*] And she told me to look up, innit? [*sighs*]

[*Fade to a view of the highest floor in the building. Pencil climbs wearily up and finds nothing but a slightly open door. She is about to make her way into the room, but stops as soon as she hears a club meeting in progress. (All speakers in this scene are off-screen or, at most, half-visible.)*]

* **H****e****m****a****t****i****t****e**: Alright, it looks like our third weekly meeting of the Ruby Enthusiasts' Club is now in progress. Anyone want to come forward and tell us what they like most about our favourite Season 9 contestant?

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **H****e****m****a****t****i****t****e**: You're up first, Miss Kabarcık.

[*Pencil perks up, recognizing the name.*]

* **H****e****m****a****t****i****t****e**: Feel free to do whatever you want with the table, the Urban Engineers' Corps have reserved this room after us.

[*Pencil gasps. The viewers can only see part of an object standing on a desk, raising her hands spiritedly. From the voice alone, we can only guess that the speaker is* **Bubble**, *the former BFB contestant.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Yes, hi, everyone. I forgive you if you don't understand me from now on, but I prefer to give this speech in my own language, the language of my people, because it is easier to express my feelings this way.

[*As Bubble speaks, subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen, and Pencil looks at them infrequently. This scene, and consequently most of Bubble's near-guest appearance, is frequently skipped over in later broadcasts.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*much saddened*] Bubble...
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: *Sabunlu içimin derinliklerinden, bir gün benimle barışacak gücü bulmaları için dua ediyorum; o zamana kadar hayatıma devam etmeyi tercih ederim.* [*"From the depths of my soapy interior, I pray that one day they will find the strength to make peace with me; until then, I would much rather get on with my life."*]

[*Pencil grabs the full stop at the end of the subtitle and unfolds it as if it were a napkin.*]
* **Voice**: *P-s-s-t.*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Remote?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: [*in the background*] *Bunun eski arkadaşlarım hakkında nazikçe yazılmış bir söylenmeye dönüştüğünün farkındayım, ancak Ruby hakkında konuşmaya devam etmemi bu kadar çok istediğiniz için sizi affediyorum, bu durumda...* [*"I realize this has turned into a gently-worded rant about my ex-friends, but I forgive you for wanting me so badly to keep talking about Ruby, so in that case I'll talk about her..."*]

[*Pencil turns around and sees* **Remote** *a few steps below her.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hurry up, you tall snail, we must go down. I found an Ecar Launcherr in the lobby.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Since when did you become so curt?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Not my words. Golf Ball just told me to tell you to—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, okay, let's go.

[*Pencil takes Remote's hand and they go down the stairs together.*]

#### Lobby

[**Pencil** *and* **Remote** *make it downstairs, where* **Golf Ball**, **Pin** *and* **Black Hole** *await them with an Ecar Launcherr.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Where'd you find that? The concierge told me to look all the way up!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What did you do, to make her say that?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I simply asked her where I could find an Ecar Launcherr in this building, and I even drew it in the air for her. [*as she says this, she draws the same shape she described to Beyaz Peynir*]
* **P****i****n**: Is that supposed to be the shape of an Ecar Launcherr?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, Pin, it's a meatball that's been cryogenically frozen since *St. Bell's-where*'s been cancelled. /s
* **P****i****n**: That was my next guess.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You do draw rather meatball-like, Pencil.
* **P****i****n**: It's a good thing you can erase it, though.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Pen gets real jealous about that. He's told me before.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*trying not to give her the death glare*] Thank you, Remote.

[*The Ecar Launcherr does its thing and the Contestants each catch their ecar.*]

* **P****i****n**: Looks like I'm first this time!

[*Pin clears her throat and Two's voice comes out.*]

* **Two**: Isn't this building terrific? Last night, I was sitting all alone in my watchtower watching IDFB for the first time in years and, wow! Some of you were in it! And Pin, you were white!
* **P****i****n**: Might be what I ended up with, Two, but on me it was a phase.
* **Two**: Anyway, you'll like where you'll be taken next. You might not know it, but the city you're in has greatly improved in terms of media—they've even built a film studio! Isn't that amazing? A building whose name contains *my* name! Ha-ha!

[*Black Hole rolls his *eyes*.*]

* **Two**: Your task now is to go to the studios, find the first person who won't offer you a guided tour of the place and ask them where you can find the Archaic Temple. There you will find the next checkpoint, and be prepared to come back again.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I guess we're going to a temple inside a studio.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What fun.
* **Golf Ball**: What "wack".

[*Exeunt omnes from the screen, though we can hear the dialogue.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, GB, you're the arbiter of who's acceptable to you or not based on things they can't control.

[*Golf Ball fumes—although she is more critical of others today than she was at the height of her tolerance in the late 1970s/very early 1980s, she has surely outgrown her old, Archie Bunker-esque personality.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What religion do most modern Yoylelanders belong to so that they build temples in their film studios?

[*Golf Ball says nothing, but she does make a sort of "mechanical snorting" noise.*]

* **P****i****n**: I don't think she's talking to you still, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah, she'll give it up one day.

### **Checkpoint 9: Yeni Yoyle Television (YYT) Studios**

**Scene**Jump cut to the Contestants standing in front of **Fötr**, one of the many tour guides at hand at Yoyle City's most prestigious television studio.
* **Fö****t****r**: Welcome to the Yeni Yoyle Television Studios! We hope this tour will be the highlight of your next two hours!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside, to Pin.*] Two hours? Pin, that's longer than the average feature film!
* **P****i****n**: But he seemed nice.
* **Fö****t****r**: We in Yoyle Şehri know that some of you have actually competed in IDFB in this city exactly twenty years ago.
* **Golf Ball**: [*raising her leg*] Yes, but we're not twenty years older.
* **Fö****t****r**: Right. Anyway, here is where the *magic* happens!

[*As he says "magic" so, the Contestants flinch.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm sorry, but what does magic have to do with television production?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And where can we find the Archaic Temple?
* **Fö****t****r**: No, pardon me; *I'm* sorry. I'm just so used to touring kids around I always forget I tour grown-ups too! You said you would like to see the Archaic Temple?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes, please.
* **Fö****t****r**: No worries, I can get you there! I'll just skip five pages of my script if that's okay with you. You've probably seen it all anyway from your work on television. We in Yoyle Şehri are generally fans of *The Power of Two*.
* **P****i****n**: [*Aside.*] Oh no...

#### Pillary Ruins Replica

[*Fade to a replica of the Pillary Ruins, the remote location "elsewhere on Earth" where much of post-split BFB took place. Unlike the other areas shown in this episode, the "Pillary Ruins" here looks completely unchanged from how it looked in BFB in 1972. The Contestants of TPOT look around in amazement—the camera pans 360 degrees so that the viewers can feel the same way (especially if they watched BFB as it came out).*]

* **Fö****t****r**: And to your left are the Pillary Ruins, and to your right are also the Pillary Ruins, which we are very happy to keep in reserve until the situation is all settled in Afghanistan, which, as you should know, is very unsafe to travel to...

[*Halfway through Fötr's "sermon", the Contestants all walk away.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So this is what it would be like, if none of us switched to TPOT.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*elbowing* *him*] What a boring life you'd have led if that were true, huh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I can't believe I'm standing outside Four's bosom to look at this.
* **Golf Ball**: [*to Fötr*] How on Earth did you manage to make this place look the way it does? Are you one of those people who pay too much attention to detail in television programmes?
* **Fö****t****r**: We in Yoyle Şehri have come from all over the world to make this city as wonderful as it was in the good old days, so we realized that we needed to do that to our sets as well. Does anyone have any questions?
* **Golf Ball**: Why do you keep saying "Yoyle Şehri"? Surely this place is called Yoyle City!
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's 'cos Yoyle Şehri's the original name of the place. Says so on this brochure that I feel like keeping.

[*Pencil waves the brochure in Golf Ball's face. Golf Ball, of course, says nothing.*]

* **Fö****t****r**: That's right. So many confuse our English name "Yoyle City" with "yoylecake". For that reason we officially changed the name of our city to *Yoyle Şehri*, so that we're not mistaken with a food and no one can be confused any more.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Except my boyfriend. [*laughs*] He still thinks it's named after a guy called "Constantononopoulos"!
* **P****i****n**: Uh, Mr. Tour Guide? May we explore the Archaic Temple now?
* **Fö****t****r**: Yes, of course. Take as much time as you want. I think I hear children coming over, and I'm the only one around here who can explain things in a way they understand.
* **P****i****n**: Oh no, some of my biggest fans are children!
* **Fö****t****r**: I or another one of my colleagues will be back if you would like to know more. Goodbye!

[*Exit. Soni exspectati of farewell.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: *Güle güle!*
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wow, Pencil, you speak many languages too.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I've travelled around a bi—wait, what d'ye mean, *too*?
* **P****i****n**: [*walking by*] That's our host's name.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Mm-hmm... Let's just see where we can find an Ecar Launcherr in this temple. It can't be that hard considering how modern those things look; it'd be hilarious to see them here, like finding out the old zimbabwes wore hiking boots.
* **P****i****n**: [*stops*] Oh, you know what this reminds me of?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What is it?
* **P****i****n**: That scene from BFB! I wonder if we can see that episode again to get some tips.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That sounds like a good idea.

[*Exeunt* **Pin** *and* **Remote**, *who approach someone sitting behind a desk and controlling the overhead screens above the set area, which are currently (and silently) playing BFDI 18. The object in control is* **Reddened Pork Belly From That TV Show**.]

* **P****i****n**: Hi! Do you mind if we watch something else?

[**Reddened Pork Belly From That TV Show** *nods and walks off. Pin and Remote share the chair he left behind and look at all the buttons: they are the names of every show known to objectkind as of 1988.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wow. I wish I had as many buttons as this.
* **P****i****n**: Which one is BFDI?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: The one that says "BFDI" on it.
* **P****i****n**: Smart.

[*After Pin presses the button, a screen with the names of every BFDI episode turns on on the monitor. Remote and Pin look at each other.*]

Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Notes

1. ↑ I'm of the headcanon that **number** is a valid gender on the objects' planet.
2. ↑ In 1988, activists would more likely use the word "transsexual". Winner, despite not being a time traveller, would use "transgender" seeing as they spoke thusly ten years earlier.
3. ↑ That was the sound of the portal disappearing.
4. ↑ No offence to the Danes, honest!
5. ↑ Pin never has luck with fans.
6. ↑ Ooh, a line that makes more sense in the human version! (Coiny's vivid orange, of course.)

**Fake TPOT** [V]