Willamette Melnic

Melnic speaking at the National Arsonist Convention in 1975

James Melnic (brother)

Faggot Melnic (brother)

Abi (sister)

Berthatrude (sister)

Cock (sister)

Dajkdjkasjkdkjwde888 (sister)

Eff Off (sister)

Foster (sister)

God (sister)

Hippie Retard-Susette (sister)

Ill in the Head (sister)

Jeremy (sister)

Killwhites (sister)

Lucille (sister)

Mobile (sister)

Naur (sister)

O (sister)

Aronist (former)

Federal prisoner (current)

Lisa Venner (m. 2005)

Willamette Nyquil Melnic (born August 20, 1933) is a holocaust survivor, serial arsonist, and American politician that is currently serving 189 life sentences in the Accrabingsway State Penitentiary, located 15 miles southwest of Accrabingsway, Kentucky in KKK, County.

## Early life

Born to two jewish parents, Melnic grew up in the small town of Skoki in Poland. Surrounded by forest, Melnic found it easy as a child - being the youngest of 18 - to sneak off into the woods during the day. In doing so, he grew acquainted with loggers in the area, and by the age of 5, became a pass around party bottom for groups of loggers that came through the area as well as many of the packs of wolves in the area. Melnic never attened, and instead filled his time by being the town's mail boy, a job which he took up at age 7. In 1944, during Poland's occupation by Nazi Germany, Melnic's entire family was shipped directly to Auschwitz after Adolf Hitler himself found the family hiding in a local grocery store and was mortified by Willamette's obesity and apparent homosexuality, famously screaming "GET THAT JEWISH FAG AWAY FROM ME!". Melnic's entire family were instantly sent to the gas chambers, but Melnic survived by giving blowjobs to all of the guards. On the night of Auschwit'z liberation by American forces, Melnic shoved himself into a wooden crate at an American military base and shipped himself to a randomly selected location in rural Ohio in the United States.

After the war, Melnic went was adopted by the Mooneyham family in Bremen, Ohio and attended the local elementary, middle, and high school. It was during his years in Bremen that Melnic lost weight and took up an affinity for writing, publishing three books - titled "James", "James: Wray", and "I shoved a dead child down my urethra" - by the time he was 18, in 1951.

## Literary Failure and Emergence in Politics

After the massive popularity of his first three books, Melnic moved to a ranch outside of Vista, California, and began writing a fourth book - titled "My Experiences Being Knotted by Wild Wolves" - in isolation. Little is known of Melnic's life between 1952 when he moved to Vista and when he came out of isolation in 1959 other than he never finished the book due to extreme writer's block and that Melnic had developed paranoid schizophrenia. Because of the amazing medical practices of the time, Melnic was admitted into the Fatta Gerald Home for the Clinically Insane outside of Zzyzx, California in 1960, where he remained until 1966, after seemingly having recovered from his schizophrenia, although it was later determined that he had sex with all of the employees 17 times a day until they let him out. After his release, he began renting a run-down apartment in downtown Stockton, California, and became obssessed with local politics. He eventually ran for a seat on the Stockton city council - head of the parks and recreation committee - and won. From 1967 to 1969, Melnic transformed Stockton's sad, dusty city parks into world-renowned parks and gardens by mixing local wildflower seeds with a mixture of his own blood, dog piss, and horse cum, all of which he harvested himself from a farm in nearby French Camp. His popularity in transforming the look of Stockton encouraged him to run for governor in California's 1970 gubernatorial election. While filing the forms to write, Melnic suffered an extreme schizophrenic episode, resulting him in igniting over 26 wildfires in Southern California in September 1970, which collectively burned over 570,000 acres and killed 16 people. This bout of arsonism caused him to run on the California Asonist Party ticket under the campaign "Everyone Needs Some Flare in their Lives". Melnic ended up winning the election in a landslide victory (literally - a massive landslide killed all of his opponents during a debate in Rough and Ready, located in the Sierra Nevada mountains). Turns out, Melnic's campaign was what he stuck to in his career as governor, as the only actions Melnic did in his entire career was ignite hundreds of wildfires - small and large - across the state.

## Kate Bush Incident

In 1976, while on a business trip in England, Melnic met up-and-coming singer Kate Bush, whom he immediately fell in love with after convincing himself he was straight due to societal pressure at the time. Since Kate Bush was still 17 at the time, Melnic bottomed for her father until he signed off on child-marriage consent forms, and Melnic took Kate Bush back to his home in Vista. They lived happily for just over a year until August 1977, when Bush found out about Melnic's homosexual lifestyle and immediately filed for a divorce. Enraged, Melnic murdered Bush with a potato peeler, drove her body to the Ventana Wilderness in California's Big Sur, and lit her body on fire. The act ended up sparking California's largest fire at the time - the Marble Cone Fire - which burned 178,000 acres before it was contained. Realizing what he had just done while admiring the warm glow of the flames devouring the hillsides, Melnic remembered that Bush was a member of the KT Bush Band, which was expected to play a concert in London the next day. Panicked, Melnic performed a satanic ritual to create an evil clone of Bush, which assumed her identity and went on to become wildly successful in the music industry.

## Later Political Career

After the Kate Bush incident, Melnic started a 3-year-long gay relationship with satan himself, until satan realized how atrophied Melnic's asshole was and left him, convincing Melnic to instead marry then Mayor of San Francisco Dianne Feinstein, which Melnic agreed to solely because Feinstein offered to peg him every Thursday night with a horsecock strap-on. After their marriage, Melnic ran for office in California's 3rd congressional district in 1980 on the Democratic ticket and won. During his 12-year-long tenure as representative of the district, Melnic enacted various legislations, including a bipartisan bill that made vaginal intercourse illegal in the entire state of California and punishable by death. Melnic acheived all this while still continuing his hobby of setting wildfires, including several devestating wildfires in Southern Calfiornia in 1980, 1982, 1985, and 1987. In 1991, Melnic ignited the Oakland Hills Fire, which destroyed 3,200 homes and killed 25 people, including Feinstein's ex-husband. In 1992, Melnic fell ill with AIDS, forcing him to retire from politics.

## Illness and later life

Due to the severeness of his condition, Melnic was placed in a medical coma on Christmas in 1992, and Feinstein immediately divorced him in a record-setting 7-second-long court case. Melnic, while still a coma, met with satan in his subconscious and had mental sex with him for 4 months "straight", which persuaded satan to heal Melnic of his ailment in 1994. In 1995, Melnic decided to move to Syracuse, New York, where he became a humble employee at a small shop inside of the Destiny USA mall. In 2003, Melnic met a certain Lisa Maravi (maiden name Venner) and her husband Tony Maravi at a dinner party at a local restaraunt - Coppertop Tavern. Melnic and Venner immediately fell in love, and the two began seeing each other in secret. On October 22, 2004, Venner gave birth to her and Melnic's child - Gabriel Maravi - under the muse that the child was actually Tony's. However, a paternity DNA test that Tony demanded reveal the truth, and he sued Melnic. Melnic ended up losing, forcing him to lose any rights to see his son and Lisa, and Venner and her husband agreed to never tell their child the truth of his birth. Furious, Melnic used a lock of Lisa's hair he had to create a clone of her using satanic power, which he proceed to marry at his home in Mattydale. In October 2016, Melnic and Venner moved to Concow, California after they caused 17 gas explosions on their home street in Mattydale, killing 118 people.

## Incarceration

On November 7, 2018, Melnic was going on an early morning stroll when he noticed a retarded squirrel shoving acorns down his throat. Furious, Melnic opened fire on the poor creature with his AR-15, firing 28,190 rounds in a 10 minute period. This ignited the subsequently named Camp Fire, which burned 160,000 acres in just over 2 days and obliterated the cities of Conow, Magalia, and Paradise, killing 88 people - including Melnic's wife. Heart-broke, Melnic turned himself into the police and confessed to every crime he had ever committed. The jury immediately found him guilty and he was sentenced to 189 life sentences at the Accrabingsway State Penitentiary, where he currently resides.