Episode 37: World Wide Wipes

https://globehell.libsyn.com/

## Episode Summary

Our oceans are crying! "Where did we go?" Humans answer is we need to be clean and hydrated for our own vanity so we flushed it and drank it too much. But what if there were a way to save water and stay clean and there is called Episode 37: World Wide Wipes!

## Idea Details

* Idea: World Wide Wipes
* Creator of idea: Josiah
* Purpose of idea: Drew, we need to talk. We need to talk, it's serious, we can't - happy Saint Patrick's Day *-* no, we need to talk about - so everyone's drinkin away their pints o' Guinness today and that's fine, you can have your day, but you know what's the part of Guinness that's made of, I think, uh mud and soil from Ireland and molasses - (Drew: "Well, it's beer.") - and the other element that creates it into Guinness is - so it's dirt, uh cigarette ash, and mud, and soil, and then the other element is, of course: water. Tell me how much water you've - what have you done with water today, where have you put it inside or on your body, have you scrubbed parts of your body with water, have you used water-based lubricants for anything, I mean, walk me through your day of water usage. (Drew: "Well, I got up, I run the tap, uh brush my teeth, uh flush the toilet, turn on the shower, grab my iPad, sit on the toilet, and let the whole - basically I turn the heat up, let the whole apartment get steamed up, drop a couple shits into my toilet, get the entire apartment complex smelling like a stew from what I ate yesterday. And this goes on for an hour, then I'll turn the shower off. I never flush the toilet after that point.") Well that's good. That's a good start. (Drew: "The tap's still running, I go out, I come back, I take a liquid bath, I do the dishes, and then I have a nightshower.") What time do you consider night? It sounds like you've done - by my math, it's only about 1 PM right now in the day. (Drew: "Yeah. I go to bed pretty early.") I mean, I think people listening at home probably - once you lay it all out like that, it's a lot but I think most people listening to this say, 'You know what, that's a regular day for me! He's describing a regular day in my life! My, the listener, I'm a listener of Globe Hell, my name is Tom, I listen to Globe Hell Warning, and you're describing my life! And I relate to this! And I am named Tom! And I'm a piece of shit!'. (Drew: "Hey!") I'm not say- I didn't say that. (Drew: "Don't call - don't say our listeners are a piece of shit.") No I did- I didn't say that, they're saying that to themselves. They're having this moment of self-awareness about the - (Drew: "Well then they shouldn't be saying that about themselves, but if, I mean, they gotta live their truth too.") Well that's - we gotta - we gotta - well, you gotta - this is what I'm saying, we gotta turn off the tap, all right? That's the bottom line. I'm proposing today we need to stop wasting water, okay? We need to - I'm sick of it. (Drew: "That's an easy thing to say. Just like saying, 'Stop uh wasting energy', 'Stop leaving uh your trash in the middle of the road'. But how do you get people to actually stop wasting?") I agree, it's easier said than done. Absolutely it's easier said than done. I mean, the way I see it, there's three main uses of water, okay? We use water to clean our bodies in shower or bath, we use water to uh wash dishes or wash items around the house using sink, and then we use water to drink to stay hydrated to stay alive. So we need to take a look at each of these items and change them in that sense to get rid of the problem of water wastage. So I'm gonna start with the most simple thing I suggest here is uh the first step is we're gonna have something called World Wide Wipe.
* Timetable: Water will not be used at all in about another century or so. Until then, all sinks will be plugged and all toilets will be unflushed until the one Drain Day each week when new water will be allowed to refill them. This change will need to take effect immediately. World Wide Wipes already exist and need to simply be purchased from Epic Wipes in a large enough quantity to supply Wipes to everyone in the world. This will be ready for implementation as soon as Josiah and Drew can set up a child after-school detention facility where they can force misbehaving children to stitch together all of the dirty World Wide Wipes into large field-sized Wipe Quilts that will be laid out across a large barren field. Then the stitched Wipe Quilt will be naturally disinfected by the sun, and when the rains come, that will provide fresh water for the World Wide Wipes to then be cut up by well-behaving children who get to do the fun part of the process, which also includes stuffing the clean World Wide Wipes into the showerheads, at which point they will be shipped back to North America, which is where the pilot program for World Wide Wipes will be held. That should not take long to be fully implemented.
* Idea details:
	+ World Wide Wipes will be made by a Kickstarter company called Epic Wipes.
	+ World Wide Wipes will be like a wipe towel and will smell good.
	+ World Wide Wipes are biodegradable.
	+ Instead of showers, every home will have World Wide Wipes. The shower head will be fitted with a plastic rectum-looking thing like on the inside of a Lysol cylindrical tube, and you will just pull World Wide Wipes from that.
	+ To ensure people still have the sensation of taking a shower, an eternal flame will burn under each shower to make it feel like it is still steaming up. It doesn't matter what is burning, as long as it looks like steam. Some possible ideas include sage, potpourri, or sativa for morning showers and indica for afternoon/evening showers.
	+ Every house will have Wipe Pipes that are filled with World Wide Wipes and connect to the faucets that previously dispensed water.
	+ After they are used, all of the World Wide Wipes will go into a Wipe Dump, which is not actually a garbage dump, it's just for the World Wide Wipes. Misbehaving children who don't go to school often enough or are disrespectful to their parents or elders in general will have a weekend detention project to stitch together all of the dirty World Wide Wipes into large field-sized Wipe Quilts that will be laid out across a large barren field. Then the stitched Wipe Quilt will be naturally disinfected by the sun, and when the rains come, that will provide fresh water for the World Wide Wipes to then be cut up by well-behaving children who get to do the fun part of the process, which also includes stuffing the clean World Wide Wipes into the showerheads, at which point they will be shipped back to North America, which is where the pilot program for World Wide Wipes will be held.
	+ In order to be pragnentic and realistic, we will continue wasting water with taps and toilets for the next century or so, but everyone in the world will only be allowed to flush their toilet and unplug their taps once a week. The amount of water that fills the sink bowl will be the total amount of water allowed to be used in that household for the next week. This will include for all purposes, such as washing hands, washing dishes, and drinking water.
	+ If someone wanted to cheat the system by installing a hot tub in their kitchen and call that a sink, that is fine, since systems were built to be cheated.
	+ It may be possible to shoot up a low-flying satellite into the clouds and use an electric pulse to stimulate the clouds to make them rain and then capture that water.
	+ Each neighborhood will have its own World Wide Hose for everyone in the neighborhood to drink out of.
	+ People are not allowed to bring a container with them when they go to drink out of the neighborhood World Wide Hose. That is a form of cheating the system that will not be allowed.
	+ Drinks that contain water like Diet Coke, Red Bull, coffee, and alcohol will now come in powder form that will need to be mixed with water sipped straight out of the neighborhood World Wide Hose in order to drink. It will come in a mouth-sized pouch of crystals that you put in your mouth and then get a sip of the World Wide Hose water and swish it around your mouth. This is because the corporations have proven they cannot be responsible with water.
		- Note: It is unclear what this would mean for World Wide Beer, which is specifically a mixture of lager, ale, pilsner, stout, IPA, witbier, porter, bitter, pale ale, brown ale, bock, dunkel, mild ale, pale lager, lambic, saison, Märzen, barley wine, Kölsch, Berliner Weisse, American pale ale, gose, Tripel, Dubbel, Helles, schwarzbier, Irish Red Ale, gueuze, doppelbock, old ale, American lager, steam beer, Vienna lager, cream ale, Altbier, Scotch ale, Trappist beer, Flanders red ale, rye beer, Bière de Garde, Quadrupel, Helles bock, Dortmunder, amber ale, cider, keller beer, Oud Bruin, Kriek lambic, Real ale, German pilsner, and Eisbock. In that episode Josiah, Drew, and Tom discussed the idea of using flavor packages to change the flavor of the beer but that idea was soundly rejected in favor of a mixture of different liquid beers, an ironic decision now in hindsight.
	+ The toilet will fill up every day of the week until Drain Day, at which time the sink will be unplugged and the toilet will be flushed.

## Devil Play

* Drew played devil about putting dry ice in showers by pointing out the dry ice is just frozen water that's been dried out.
	+ Josiah reminded him that we still need water to survive since 90% of people is water.
	+ Drew asked if this would mean that they're still wasting water, but now just wasting it on the dry ice.
	+ Josiah conceded the dry ice, considering it a moot point to him.
	+ Drew brought up marijuana vaporizers, which burn flowers, as a possible option to mimic the sensation of steaming up in the shower.
	+ Josiah liked this idea and added that if you want to be up and at it with a morning shower, you can use a sativa vaporizer, but if you want to be relaxed with an afternoon or night shower, you can use an indica vaporizer.
	+ Drew suggested the use of an eternal flame burning up the weed or other flowers like sage or potpourri.
	+ Josiah agreed and said the specific thing that is burned doesn't matter, as long as it looks like steam so that people still feel like they're having a shower while wiping in and outside of their inner thighs and cracks and crevices to get all the crusted up shit off of their bodies.
* Drew played devil by asking where they're going to get all the World Wide Wipes from.
	+ Josiah reiterated that they would be from Epic Wipes.
	+ Drew asked where they will get the material from and what would be the specific manufacturing process that creates the World Wide Wipes.
	+ Josiah chastised Drew for assuming the entirety of the idea had been explained already. He then skipped ahead of himself to answer Drew's question now instead of getting to it in due course. Josiah explained that all of the World Wide Wipes will go into a dump that is not actually a garbage dump, it's just a Wipe Dump. There's gonna be misbehaving children who work there because they don't go to school often enough or they're disrespectful to their parents or elders in general. Their weekend detention project will be to stitch together all of the World Wide Wipes into large field-sized Wipe Quilts that will be laid out across a large barren field. Then the stitched Wipe Quilt will be naturally disinfected by the sun, and when the rains come, that will provide fresh water for the World Wide Wipes to then be cut up by well-behaving children who get to do the fun part of the process, which also includes stuffing the clean World Wide Wipes into the showerheads, at which point they will be shipped back to North America, which is where the pilot program for World Wide Wipes will be held.
	+ Drew admitted that was a brilliant answer and said he was fully on board.
* Drew played devil by asking what if someone replaced their sink with a hot tub and then they called that their sink to cheat the system and make that amount of water their weekly allocated amount of water.
	+ Josiah responded that they're not limiting the water; the marketing twist is that they're just limiting the drain. Systems were built to be cheated and we should reward people who think outside the box. Also it would be everything but the kitchen sink, but he couldn't decide how he could say that idiom in a way that fit into what he was saying.
	+ Drew suggested that he could say, "This idea has everything but the kitchen sink, but it does!".
	+ Josiah said, "So you're allowed to use anything but the kitchen sink or you're not allowed to use anything other than the kitchen sink. It's probably what - I guess what we'd have to say. You're not allowed to use anything except for the kitchen sink in order to make this to -". He added that if someone was willing to put a hot tub in their kitchen and wash their dishes in a hot tub, then as leaders, Josiah and Drew should respect that. Someone cheating the system in that way would not be overwhelming the Wipe Pipes with the flushing, so it would be fine.
* Drew stated that it would be unsanitary to have an open pool of standing water, which would make way for bacteria.
	+ Josiah used that logic to ask what would happen if one was to turn the heat up in their apartment and leave flammable objects by the heat. He asked if that sort of scenario would be the heating company's fault. He then posited a person who chose to eat ice cream for every meal since it is legal to buy it at the store. He asked Drew if that scenario would be okay too, adding that just because something can be dangerous doesn't mean that it should be forbidden. He suggested that people should simply not wash their dishes if they're worried about bacteria in a week-old sink full of standing water. He emphasized that it would only be a week.
	+ Drew accepted the solution of using World Wide Wipes to wash your dishes instead of using water.
	+ Josiah noted that he just wants to save the water, and he doesn't want to have to do this.
* Drew asked if there could be a way to make it rain by shooting a low-flying satellite into the clouds and use an electric pulse to stimulate the clouds to make them rain and then we capture that water and use it to bathe.
	+ Josiah said sure they can do that but it will only help to make the Wipe Fields more moist. He went on to say that they would figure it out, along with the sink situation. As long as you have to have the plug in all week and only take the plug out one day, it'll sort out the problem. With that, he considered the issue settled and moved on.

## Notable Events

* Josiah can be heard coughing at the beginning of the episode.
* Josiah drank a frothy pint of Guinness in this episode to celebrate Saint Patrick's Day, thereby temporarily ending his sobriety, which is fine as long as you only do it for one day because then it's like *The Purge*.
	+ Note: Josiah previously revealed that he had started drinking as of Episode 15: World Wide Beer with special guest Tom, so it can be inferred that he stopped drinking sometime between the two episodes.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video about Saint Patrick and the origins of some Saint Patrick's Day traditions.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "The history of Saint Patrick's Day: Who was Saint Patrick? Why do we drink on Saint Patrick's day?".
* Drew revealed that he found a four-leaf clover once and wished that 9/11 didn't happen, but his wish never came true and he also grew an extra toe on his foot (Note: this was after 9/11 had already happened). Josiah surmised that the Wish Master likely just misheard his wish as 'I wish I had an eleven...' and then they filled in the blanks and gave him an eleventh toe because it's probably the easiest for them.
* Drew toyed with the idea of leaving the show and having Jay Store from the Hellbound YouTube channel replace him as the co-host of Globe Hell Warning, which would then be renamed Globe Hellbound.
* Josiah and Drew listened to water sound effects.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "POURING WATER IN THE LIBRARY".
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "World's Largest Jello Pool- Can you swim in Jello?".
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "Pouring lava in my pool".
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "What are the signs that your septic tank is full?".
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "Full Manhole Unblocking - Something Fishy Going on Here!".
* Josiah revealed that Drew famously refuses to trim his nails.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "HOW TO WIPE WITH LONG NAILS" about how to wipe your ass if you have long nails.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "An Epic Wipe To Clean Your Entire Body While Camping".
* Drew revealed that he usually sings in the shower, singing *Tubthumping* by Chumbawamba as an example.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "Wet wipe shower!".
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "Wet wipes dude".
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "WHY I DON'T SHOWER... 🙈 #smelly &proud".
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "Flushable Wipes - Do They Disintegrate?".
* Drew revealed that he takes out his trash once a month. Josiah balked at this but suggested the infrequency could be due to the fact that Drew is just one person living alone sadly not doing much of anything.
	+ Note: The reason Drew takes out his trash so infrequently was discussed in Episode 19: World Wide Rock Festival, in which Drew revealed that something only becomes defined as garbage to him after it is taken out into the dumpster. If it is still inside his home, even inside the trash can, it is not garbage. He even eats out of the garbage can because it is not garbage, and he also keeps it iced and has a fan put on it to keep the food cold as a second fridge.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "10 Best Drinking Water Hoses 2020".
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "Theo Von Reminisces About Drinking from the Hose".
* World Wide Hose
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "Refreshing drink for children (and adults!) on a hot day.".

## Notable Quotes

### Josiah

* "[On the topic of Saint Nick] Saint Trick."
* "I don't think you can be racist towards other white people."
* "I like the premise of this video that the reason that you're spending today binge drinking is because of someone else's actio- I mean, he's just sort of telling you why you're, you know, 'Oh, you're swimming in alcoholism today and binge drinking, well here's why: it's because of this old fuckin guy a million years ago', it's not -"
* "[On the topic of a 'Men would rather do X than go to therapy' joke he's been workshopping] Men would rather um uh vote a Cheeto - vote for a Cheeto and get him in the White House to - and then start a leftist podcast about it to do comedy with it even though they're Canadian, and I forget what the second half was of the joke. I think it's something about Saint Patrick's Day."
* "Men would rather get head from a beer than from a loving partner."
* "He wasn't even Irish; he was wealthy."
* "[In response to Drew asking if he had ever told Josiah about the time he found a four-leafed clover] No, I thought that you were always after the uh - uh - one second here - \*whispering to himself while audibly typing\* how many leafs on marijuana - \*speaking at normal volume again\* can you just hold on for one second - I always thought that you were after the uh seven-leaf indica clover, or the nine-leaf um sativa clover, or the ruderalis plant has five leaves on it. I thought the - those were the one- c- kind of clovers that you were after. The seven-leaf -"
* "[On the topic of the Wish Master giving Drew an eleventh toe instead of making 9/11 not happen] They thought you said, 'an eleven'."
* "[In response to Drew wondering why the Wish Master decided that his misheard wish for 'an eleven' would result in them choosing to make it an eleventh toe that they gave him instead of something else] Probably the easiest for them cause, you know, it's hard to get your IQ up to that number."
* "I wanna see this man's corn beef that he shows."
* "Come on, please - can you please let me make fun of how he talks?"
* "But isn't a lep- an - isn't Ant- couldn't that just be an *Ant-Man* - isn't Ant-Man also a little person, to use the woke term?"
* "Stop talking about superheroes, please. That's enough for today."
* "[In response to Drew's description of his typical daily water usage] I mean, I think people listening at home probably - once you lay it all out like that, it's a lot but I think most people listening to this say, 'You know what, that's a regular day for me! He's describing a regular day in my life! My, the listener, I'm a listener of Globe Hell, my name is Tom, I listen to Globe Hell Warning, and you're describing my life! And I relate to this! And I am named Tom! And I'm a piece of shit!'."
* "I do think that you would look good if you got a snapback like that and started wearing backwards snapback."
* "[On the topic of what happens if you waste water] Because I think you get so dehydrated that your piss and shit becomes kind of so solid that it can't disintegrate and then the septic tank gets full of like this sort of sandy shit and piss that is not wet enough to disappear."
* "You can't drink that soupy shit."
* "I mean, the way I see it, there's three main uses of water, okay? We use water to clean our bodies in shower or bath, we use water to uh wash dishes or wash items around the house using sink, and then we use water to drink to stay hydrated to stay alive. So we need to take a look at each of these items and change them in that sense to get rid of the problem of water wastage. So I'm gonna start with the most simple thing I suggest here is uh the first step is we're gonna have something called World Wide Wipe."
* "I think one - you're gonna find your wipe wife. We'll find you a wipe wife. An epic wipe wife."
* "It smells like an adult."
* "You know what I was actually thinking, I just thought of this right now: you know how when you get like a Lysol wipe, it kind of has that sort of, for lack of a better term, a plastic asshole inside the box that you pull wipes out of sort of a rectum-looking thing inside of a Lysol cylindrical tube? It's kind of a Fleshlight of disinfectant wipes?"
* "Democracy dies in darkness."
* "Sure, in a pinch, you could probably just wring out one of the Wipes, cause it is mostly water in the Wipes, you could just wring that out into a cup and sip that down."
* "You can't bring a container, but you can come just when you're thirsty you go get a sip from the hose."
* "Is Pepsi okay?"
* "[On the topic of using child prisoner labor] I mean just on a hot day, you need a nice drink, and those little hands will be great to harvest the Wipes and sew them."

### Drew

* "[On the topic of learning history] Yeah, it's called therapy, Josiah. It explains why you do things. Like why did I eat an entire bag of licorice for breakfast?"
* "[Telling the story of the time he found a four-leaf clover] Well, I found a four-leaf clover and I made a wish and one of the leaves fell off and my wish never came true, but a extra toe grew out of my foot."
* "It'd be cool to do like a - like a, you know, *Ant-Man* - the movie *Ant-Man* is like a comic book heist movie. I'd like to see a leprechaun heist movie where they're after the leprechaun's gold."
* "You can see this guy's balls."
* "Let's talk about Kevin."
* "[On the topic of his typical day's water usage] Well, I got up, I run the tap, uh brush my teeth, uh flush the toilet, turn on the shower, grab my iPad, sit on the toilet, and let the whole - basically I turn the heat up, let the whole apartment get steamed up, drop a couple shits into my toilet, get the entire apartment complex smelling like a stew from what I ate yesterday. And this goes on for an hour, then I'll turn the shower off. I never flush the toilet after that point. The tap's still running, I go out, I come back, I take a liquid bath, I do the dishes, and then I have a nightshower."
* "Don't call - don't say our listeners are a piece of shit."
* "I'm gonna live in a content house."
* "All right, this is uh how to wipe your ass properly. Which way to go. Should you dip it in water first? Should you dip your toilet paper in water? Should you dab it, get it damp and just dab it and not even rub, not even swipe, just dab? And then grab some -"
* "[In response to seeing a couple] These two are so lucky to have one another. They're so in love."
* "You could wipe about ten kids with this, she says."
* "I need to wipe down my children."
* "Come here, son, I need to test out how much I can wash you with this weird towel."
* "We're takin a look at toilets!"
* "Nasty. This guy's nasty. This guy's a creep. He's makin fake shit. He's in his lab makin fake shit."
* "This guy's a freak. Eugh! That's nasty, man! It's so gross! This guy's a freak! He's delicately delicately patting this turd! What a weirdo. Imagine the guy look- he looks like Van Dyke Parks sculpting a fake turd. "
* "What if there were a way to make it rain? What if there were a way to shoot up a low-flying satellite into the clouds and use an electric pulse just to stimulate the clouds to make them rain. And then we capture that water, use that to bathe."
* "Well I'm just thinking that I'm just not gonna worry about drinking water, I'm just gonna continue on with Diet Coke. Red Bull. Coffee."
	+ Note: In Episode 20: World Wide Video Game, Drew admitted that he has gone days where he only drinks Diet Coke and Red Bull.
* "Growing up, we were so poor we didn't have a hose."
* "I don't like the way this guy talks."
* "[On the topic of using child prisoner labor] Yeah, I think children's hands are perfect for doing that type of labour."

## Trivia

* This is the first episode with the words "World Wide" in the episode title since Episode 32: World Wide Comedy.
* This episode was recorded and released on Saint Patrick's Day. References to that fact are made at several points throughout the episode.
* This episode bears several similarities to the idea discussed in Episode 15: World Wide Beer with special guest Tom:
	1. Flavored drinks like Diet Coke, Red Bull, coffee, and alcohol will now be powders that you put in your mouth and then mix with water sipped out of the neighborhood World Wide Hose. This is similar to the soundly rejected idea of Drew's to use flavor packages to change the flavor of World Wide Beer, which was rejected in favor of using a mixture of several different types of beer.
	2. World Wide Beer sits in a standing pool in a vacuum-sealed room in the basement, much like how water will sit in a standing pool in the sink for a week at a time.
	3. World Wide Beer is delivered to basements via a pipeline, similar to the Wipe Pipes used to store and deliver World Wide Wipes.
* Josiah can be heard gulping something at the end of the episode, though when questioned he stated that he had already stopped drinking water and showering.