Log 20

I'm in a conundrum. Not like one of those conundrums where some guy has girl trouble, social circle problems, or issues that tend to fracture their pride if they do the right thing. It's a bit different than that.

What's a good word to describe what I'm going through right now? It feels like I've been in a spiraling descent these last few weeks, even though things are still going well. Actually, maybe not a "spiraling descent", maybe just like a slow and gradual decay of my own restraint.

I've been having issues with the "margins". Those critical edges inside your brain lobes that help define whether or not you're a good person and if you have the skill and talent it takes to actually succeed. It's been a weird last few weeks, with school starting, and there's been a few net positives - an expanded social circle, finding a partner that I can talk to, and finding more success in the real world by taking up some offers that others have asked for. Those are the margins that I've managed to finish my ascent over, but obviously they're dynamic, so I view it more as an ascent of the first "peak" of the mountain. There's clearly more that's meant to be explored, and it will be an exciting journey with a whole new year ahead.

Of course, I would be lying if that was the only thing I'm writing in the 20th (man, it's been a while since the last one too, hasn't it?) of these things that I've written. I've also been experiencing some, well, net negatives, too.

See, what makes this whole conundrum strange is that I've been feeling a decrease in confidence towards the things I like - such as playing the violin and creating art. It's strange, what I don't pay attention to as much is getting better, but the things I share a connection with in regards to what I want to pursue later in life are getting, not worse, but just getting to the point where there's a huge reassessment going on inside my brain about all this. I love what I enjoy doing, and that includes more than just these things that I've mentioned. It's just that, after conversing with everyone, I'm not as confident with what I'm going to pursue later in life.

I've always been told that the best ways to find what you're going to do is to "see what you're passionate in" and "try new things and take up what you do best in", but I'm not so sure.

My Dad has been explaining to me in recent weeks that you shouldn't enter your future with a whole blueprint for what you look to do in life, and instead accept that the pathway to your career will be dynamic, which is why it's a good thing to take a splash into other things you have even the slightest interest in. I thought about it, and in a way, he's right. There's this seemingly untapped check with reality that, up until I discussed with Dad about it, I seemingly haven't gotten in my life.

Of course, that in no way means I'm going to stop doing what I enjoy, but there's this other part of me that's asking,

"How must you find your success?"

I've got a while to reflect before national testing comes around and all us students in high school take their testing to see how competent you can be when it comes to fending for yourself in a rigorous education system. There's no clear answer to that question, and I guess the only way to find out is to not set a fixed path when it comes to what you do. But, it brings me back to that "confidence loss" I was talking about earlier.

When you take up your passions and set in stone what you enjoy, it gives you this ugly but intriguing illusion that you can get by while doing just those activities. Finding out about all this now has taken a hit on my view - things are much tougher than just taking up an "I can be making money by drawing" or "I can be making money by playing my instrument" mentality.

At the end of the day, everything is still being taken one day at a time. I'll figure something out with the help of others. Because, after all, you ain't alone in your journey.

Signing off for now,

Eli