219: Everybody's So Horny Tonight

## Summary

The group trash Crumplemeyer's office by covering it in caramel before settling down to wait until morning. In the early hours Crumplemeyer returns, though he refuses to let them out, knowing that they've uncovered his secret. An ultimatum is offered: join him or die. Will strings him along, pretending he's considering the offer, but Crumplemeyer insists he demonstrate his allegiance by killing Gwen.

## Synopsis

It is quiet in Crumplemeyer's office. Everybody is asleep except Will, Batthwack, Gwen and Raphina. Will is positioned under the door in cockroach form, but is unable to see or hear anything outside the room; some sort of barrier blocks the way. Knowing that his spell will wear off soon, he comes out and turns back into human form. Gwen is concerned they can't get out and that she can't sleep any more. Raphina points out it's actually quite useful and Will says she might just be wired from all the excitement of being trapped (again).

Raphina looks out of the window onto the factory floor to check no-one's watching them, but it's dark and nothing can be seen out there. Will decides they should block up the window with paper, creating papier mache with the drinks soaked into the carpet. Gwen offers to pull some caramel out of her magic pouch and Raphina and Batthwack help her spread it all over the room. Raphina eats every other handful, until Gwen notices and reminds her of the pouches dubious origin. Raphina says it's too late now, she's already had a lick, so she'll just have to see if she gets poisoned by it. Will lobs some up onto the ceiling where it sticks.

Raphina suggests the ceiling could be a weak point, so Batthwack hurls his sword like a javelin and it sticks into the caramel and stays there. He looks around for something to stand on and Gwen very selflessly offers her own back as a platform, adopting the "reverse tabletop" position. He takes the axe he lent to Hilula and starts hacking away. Caramel and plaster starts falling down until eventually he reaches the same impervious layer that he found behind the wall.

Will secretly reaches into his pocket to touch the orb he found in his cell at the *Tomorrow, Today!* office, but nothing happens. Gradually the group realise there is little more they can do but wait.

The night continues to pass. Unaware of the time and unable to see the factory floor to know if day might be approaching, they can only wait for the familiar moment when they suddenly feel rested, which normally coincides with the sun cresting the horizon. They're still waiting when the sound of a mouth harp approaches from the other side of the window. Gwen prestidigitates some of the caramel off, making a peep hole. Looking through, she sees Crumplemeyer's face right up close to the window, and he's playing his harp. Raphina shouts at him, demanding to know what's going on, but he just keeps playing. Batthwack notes that Crumplemeyer must be flying or standing on a ladder because the factory floor is 20 feet below. Will says they should cover the window again and Batthwack does so.

The jaw harp stops. Crumplemeyer's voice is heard shouting *"Hello? Helloo?"* Will prestidigitates the sound of a mouth harp. *"Hey guys we're having a party!"* Crumplemeyer calls, *"Did you find my mouth harps? What's going on in there? What did you do to my window?"* Everyone is calling for an explanation. Why weren't they brought any food? Why is the door locked? What is going on? Crumplemeyer asks them what they think is going on. Gwen apologises and says they're really hungry and she gets angry when she's hungry and breaks things. Crumplemeyer is very apologetic that his secretary didn't bring food. He says *"Things are replaceable. But certain things can be broken and* not *replaced, like decades of hard work."* Will starts the mouth harp noise again and Batthwack whispers to him, *"Do you think we should just try to get him to let us leave town?"* Will says Crumplemeyer's definitely referring to his manipulation of the town and thinks he's going to try and kill them to silence them. Batthwack calls out to Crumplemeyer *"Let's talk face to face!"* and asks him to come round and open the door, but Crumplemeyer isn't interested in that.

Will asks what Crumplemeyer what he wants. Crumplemeyer says their presence here has been disturbing. He says there's been a lot of poking around, and he wonders if they have Morrow's Inlet's best interests at heart. Gwen asks why he doesn't he just let them leave, and he reminds them that he offered them that and they weren't interested. He says they still have a choice, but it's a different one now. Crumplemeyer says they've now shown an aptitude for a different set of skills — sneaking around, digging into things that shouldn't be dug into, disrupting the natural order of things. Raphina disagrees, saying that what's going on in the town isn't very natural. Gwen concurs, they were thrown in jail on very dubious charges. Crumplemeyer says it wouldn't be beneficial to the community to allow them to leave.

Will decides to change tack and tells Crumplemeyer that he's disappointed that he's been too easy on infiltrators. Will says they came to Morrow's Inlet on the orders of a prospective investor, but thinks they'll have to go back and tell them it's no good. He *Message*s Gwen and says *"Just play along. Pretend we're investors from Carnivar, the Church of the Divine Monkey, a corrupt organisation."* Gwen tells Crumplemeyer that she's with the group because they asked her to set up her candy store in Carnivar. Will says that Batthwack is here as their bodyguard. Batthwack says he wants to make sure everyone gets out of here safely. Will says his employer won't be happy if they don't return as expected. Crumplemeyer seems to be taken in by the ruse, but does want to know what pretending to be Ricardo Ulysses had to do with their visit. Will explains they were testing the authorities to see what they could get away with. He says he's not impressed because when they allowed themselves to get locked up it was very easy to escape.

Crumplemeyer says he'd been wondering where they came from, are they powerful, connected, famous? He had thought they might be able to partner up, but that was before he knew they were funded by some shadowy organisation. Crumplemeyer says that Gwen has had great opportunities here in town and she should be grateful, rather than considering going elsewhere. Will calls bullshit on that, pointing out that Gwen made her own success and it was Crumplemeyer who allowed Ricardo to steal from her. Will says Crumplemeyer orchestrated the entire thing.

Gwen asks Crumplemeyer what he can offer to make her stay. He says he was was hoping to offer them all something. When they opted not to leave town, he put them up and allowed them to learn what they learned, and now he's wondering if they'd all be able to work for him and help him in the business of running the town. Gwen says she's still a free agent and if his offer is better than the group's she would consider it. Crumplemeyer says there's no-one outside of the room they're in who know what's going on here in town, *"no-one alive anyway!"* He says she could be involved in helping the town flourish. Raphina says he's trying to profit from division and mistrust. Crumplemeyer agrees and says the town's history shows that everyone has profited from it. He says there's no poverty or destitution. It's natural to have enemies and the competitive energy benefits the town. Gwen disagrees, saying that she only benefited from her own skills and hard work, but Crumplemeyer asks her to think about *"that bookseller"* and how her desire for Gwen's chocolates has been driven up by the difficulty of getting them. Gwen responds by saying that it's not good that people hate reach other purely because they live on opposite sides of a wall. Trying to keep Crumplemeyer on side, Will agrees with him that it's a good business model as long as you're in control of the wall.

Crumplemeyer asks if Batthwack could be hired but he says he has other commitments. Crumplemeyer says Will seems to be a company man, Gwen and Raphina have a strong moral centre, but maybe Batthwack can be persuaded. He says that were Battwack to work for him, they'd have to deal with the "mess" they've found themselves in, referring to the other people in the room who know his secret. Batthwack simply responds by saying they just move on, because they don't appear to agree. Crumplemeyer says that's not an option. He says it might be time to end this discussion, if they don't want to accept his proposal.

Will, sensing that the situation may be slipping away from them, decides to play hardball, to try and get Crumplemeyer to make him an actual offer. Will presses Crumplemeyer on what his salary would be and Crumplemeyer offers him 25% more than the figure Will says he currently makes. Will is slowly backing away from Batthwack, even though Crumplemeyer can't see them, he's doing a whole act, like he's separating himself from the rest of the group. Will says he would also need protection from his employer, should he defect. He's looking around the room seeing who might be catching on to what he's doing. He messages Batthwack *"I'm trying to get him to actually think that I might accept his offer and if I can get on his side then obviously I'll kill him"*. Batthwack acts cool and stays quiet. Will messages Raphina *"Trust me"*, but neglects the new girl Gwen, who is very concerned that Will's allegiance may be shifting. Crumplemeyer says *"There are many protections that can be offered here in Morrow's Inlet, many ways of obscuring the truth and of concealing identities and locations and roles."*

Crumplemeyer suggests Will "deal" with Gwen by way of a final job interview. He says Gwen is a threat to Morrow's Inlet and clearly isn't along for the ride. Will asks if there's a way to control her mind instead and then messages Gwen, saying *"This is all fake"*. Crumplemeyer says it's not worth the effort to save her. He asks what Batthwack thinks about it, but to Crumplemeyer's annoyance he only repeats that Crumplemeyer should come in the room and talk to them. Crumplemeyer asks what Raphina thinks and she says it doesn't feel like a good choice to be making. *"Got it. Noted. Interesting."* says Crumplemeyer coolly.

At that moment, the group suddenly feel rested. The sun must have just come up. Will messages Gwen, *"Play along and play dead. Can you do that?"* Gwen nods slowly. *"I might have to hurt you a little bit because I'm not going to be able to control this."* Before she can reply he takes careful aim and eldritch blasts her, making sure that only one beam hits her. He then immediately follows it up with a *Seeming* spell to give the appearance that she's bloodied and hurt. The second beam careens past Gwen, smashes into the window behind her and it shatters.

Gwen wasn't quite prepared for the reality of the blast, but manages to play her part and falls down. However, the shattering window, the shards of glass and caramel raining down, all combine to give Gwen a flashback to the destruction of her shop window, and her blood begins to boil. Another rage is beginning to come over her. Remembering Will's words before the blast though, she does somehow manage to resist it. Batthwack draws his sword and spins around to face Will. Crumplemeyer, now visible outside the window, is hovering in mid air, looking very excited. He shouts *"Alright Will, the job interview begins!"'*

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from Eric. There were a number of innuendo-laden statements from the players and then KT says *"Can I feel for the thing that I have in my pocket that I'm not going to elaborate on?"* *"Are you playing pocket hockey?!"* asks Denise. *"Roomcreamer."* says Eric. *"Immovable Rod"* adds Abby. *"Reverse tabletop..."' says Eric.* "Everybody's so horny tonight!"

## References

1. ↑ See episode 210: Does Anyone Need a Soup Tureen?
2. ↑ In game, this is when they are afforded the benefits of a long rest.
3. ↑ See episode 215: Do You Hear It Scream When You Close Your Eyes At Night?
4. ↑ This apparently confirms Will's worst fears: that Crumplemeyer would not stop at murdering those who might reveal his secret.
5. ↑ See episode 206: A Duffel Bag of Tootsie Rolls