You Know Whats Bullshit? Vampires

Don't get me wrong. Vampires were an awesome concept. An unholy creature of the night that's dead but remains alive by feeding on the blood of the living? With an unstoppable, immortal villain like that, they need to have a weakness. An Achilles' heel if you will. But with all the stories over the generations, there's been too many ways to kill a vampire or keep them from killing you.

Of course, there's the classic wooden stake; you drive it through their heart, they die.

Then there's silver; I guess the werewolf curse rubbed off. Silver's not as common with the vampire myth, but supposedly, it still does the job. Whether a silver bullet or anything made of silver. So if you can stab 'em with something silver, and something made of wood, then it could probably be made of anything. I don't know, has anyone ever tested anything else? You can also kill a vampire by severing their head. Now, I don't know *anybody* that would survive if their head was cut off. I guess anything that would normally kill a person, would also kill a vampire. In fact, in the *Dracula* novel, the famous count is killed by knives.

Fire, that's another one. If a vampire's trapped in a fire and burns to ashes, that's game over.

Sunlight, that's classic. A vampire is as vulnerable as undeveloped film; expose them to sunlight, they're useless.

Then there's all the religious things: for example, a vampire's scared away if you show them a crucifix. Or anything that's shaped like a cross, so it can even happen by accident.

Holy water: just because water's been blessed by a priest, they can't touch it. It burns them. By the way, who cares about Holy water, when you can also kill them with *regular, plain-ass water?*That's right, running water to be exact. So if they fall in a river or try to take a shower or somethin', they're done for.

A Bible: they can't touch that either.

The Hawthorne tree can also hurt a vampire because of its connection with the crown of thorns on Jesus Christ. So, that's the religious stuff. Of course, a vampire is an unholy being so he's fended off by Holy things. That makes sense at least, but where did the whole garlic thing come from? If you put garlic around your house, consider yourself safe. Vampires won't go near it! I don't like asparagus, but you put asparagus in the room, I'm not gonna run away.

Wolfbane: another thing that should be reserved for the werewolf. That's what "wolfbane" means, it's a werewolf repellent! But no, it keeps vampires away too!

Mirrors: they don't cast a reflection, that's fine if you want to recognize them, but sometimes they hate mirrors so much, it's another way to keep 'em out!

Rice or seeds: this one is just *fucking* stupid. Supposedly, if you spread rice or seeds around, they'll have to stop and count them all. So every vampire's like the Count from *Sesame Street?* How dysfunctional can any terror of the night be to have to *count* things?!

Also, they have to sleep in their own native soil. That comes from the myth about them having to return to their own grave at night. So they can't travel far, unless they have their coffin with them, filled with dirt. That's great.

Wanna load up your house with garlic, crucifixes, and wolfbane to keep out vampires? Not necessary, just don't invite them in. That's right, a vampire can't enter your home, ***UNLESS YOU INVITE THEM!*** Is this supposed to be a bloodsucking horror, or a cocksucking pussy? If vampires were real, I wouldn't even be scared! I'd feel sorry for them. They can't go out in the day, they have to drink blood, they're killed by water *and* sunlight, two things that are as common as common can be, and they have to sleep in a coffin filled with dirt. Might as well be filled with ***BULLSHIT!***

**HAPPY HOLLOWEEN! MUAHAHAHAHAHHHHH!!!**