331: Suck on THAT, MAUVE!

## Summary

The party get back on the road, and after a while they meet a suspicious looking halfling "salesman" who seems a little too keen to be on his way, so they engineer an obstruction and begin questioning him. With the help of Batthwack's *Zone of Truth* and Will's *Detect Thoughts*, it quickly becomes clear that he's not who he says he is and the halfling eventually tries to make a break for it, but not before the group apprehend him. They decide to allow this harmless petty criminal to be on his way, but keep his cartful of loot, at which point Will reveals what he had learned: the halfling had been Runcible Jones, a local wanted criminal.

## Synopsis

Just before they hop back into the Rutabago to get on their way, Will spies a notice board hanging on the side of the attendant's shack, and without anyone noticing, quickly posts something on there. They've been driving a little while and it's later on in the day when Rosco spies some dust on the road up ahead; another vehicle approaches. He begins to look for somewhere that he could pull off the road to allow them to pass. Once the vehicle is close enough, they're able to make out that it's a halfling with their hat pulled down low, riding a cart pulled by a horse. The cart is piled with sundry household items, which automatically makes Will suspicious.

A they pass, Rosco nods politely and calls *"Greetings traveller!"* The halfling's response is polite, but a little dismissive, like he's in a hurry. He keeps looking over his shoulder. Recalling what the attendant had said, Rosco asks the halfling what the situation in Trent is. The halfling says there's a funeral or something going on. He's vague, but he says someone died who's close to the captain of the Grand Cruise Ship of Trent. Something feels off with this, so Rosco gives Batthwack a look, and the dragonborn "accidentally" steers Steed and Lachrymose in front of the cart and blocks its progress. The halfling brings the cart to a sudden stop as Batthwack jumps off and starts giving the horses water. Rosco apologises for Batthwack's poorly trained horses and gives a fake story about Batthwack's father being killed when a horse kicked him.

Now that the cart has stopped, they can see it says *"Millings Goods & Sundry"* on the side. Rosco enquires genially what items this "salesman" has on offer and the halfling lists off a few oddments. He says he doesn't have any weapons, but he does have healing potions. He offers to sell them for 100gp each, which Rosco scoffs at. The halfling says his name is Millings, but Will is absolutely sure this guy is lying. He makes his way around the back of the cart and casually, but surreptitiously, yoinks an item from the pile: an intricate mechanical contraption on a necklace. He pockets it and tries again, this time lifting a silver serving spoon. This seems to be just a jumble of random items. From behind the halfling, he pulls a canoe oar out from the cart and signals playfully to the others that this guys is dodgy as hell. He also *Messages* them to let them know that this halfling's name is definitely not "Millings".

The halfling is starting to get really twitchy and offers to give them a deal on the healing potions if they let him pass. Will's had enough bullshit and just flat out confronts him. He suggests giving them the healing potions for free and then they'll let him go. The halfling seems to realise he's scuppered and agrees, holding out a clinking bag. Batthwack clearly isn't quite ready to let this guy just walk away, and he casts *Zone of Truth*. The halfling dodges questions, for example, saying he doesn't have a store at the moment, and that he just came across the cart. Will really has lost all patience and tries to grab the guy to *Fly* him up into the air, but can't get a grip on his clothes. Raphina's been inside the Rutabago this whole time playing jacks with the girls. At this point she calls out of the window to ask the halfling if he's from Beartoggle. He confusedly answers that he isn't, before apparently deciding that there's nothing for it, and spurring his horse dramatically in a bid to make a break for it.

Batthwack casts *Command*, yelling *"Stop!"* and Raphina casts *Speak with Animals* to tell the horses to turn around. It replies *"Okay!"* just as the halfling pulls back on the reins to stop dead. He sits in the saddle stock still. Will is now able to easily lift him into the air by his feet. Now he's offering to let them keep all the stuff if they let him just take his horse and go. Will dips the halfling's head into the *Zone of Truth* to have him comfirm that he isn't Ricardo Ulysses and casts *Detect Thoughts*, discerning that he's scared and desperate to get away from the "powers that be" in Trent, who he thinks are after him. He doesn't get any sense that this guy is anything more than a petty thief though.

This information is relayed to the others, who all seem unconcerned about letting this guy go, as long as they can reclaim all his ill-gotten gains. Before setting him down, Will quickly *Messages* the halfling to ask his real name. He replies privately in Will's head before unharnessing his horse and riding away as fast as he can. Once he's gone, Will reveals to the others that the halfling had in fact been none other than Runcible Jones in disguise, the goblin they'd seen on a wanted poster at the inn. Will wasn't interested in claiming the reward for such a petty criminal. In fact he thinks that it may well help to have an unscrupulous character such as this in your debt.

## Quotes

* Add your favourite quotes from the episode here!

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Eric. The party are investigating the supposed travelling salesman's random pile of household goods. Everyone, that is, except for Raphina. Abby: *"Raphina is playing jacks with the girls."* Eric: *"She is destroying them."* Adam: *"She's having so much fun."* Abby: *"Yeah, the girls are so annoyed."* Adam: *"You'd think Raphina would be good at babysitting and being good with kids, but no, she's like an older kid."* Eric: *"Suck on THAT, MAUVE!"*

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

*Spoilers for cast members here...*

Did Will post the job advertisements he'd worked on during their journey to the *Quiet Crossings* inn? See episode 317: 1,000 Mugs of Twig Tea on the Wall?
2. ↑ See episode 320: Me Did Not Write That