265: Non-Conductive Plated Butt Cover

## Summary

The battle with the slaads ends when Batthwack *Eldritch Blasts* a section of the staircase clean off, and it narrowly misses Will, who was flying nearby, on it's way down. Then the party turn their attention to a group of Sooty Gang members further down the stairs, who murder Helen and corner Gorbis, the staircase racers. Gwen, followed by the rest of the group, rush to his rescue.

## Synopsis

The grey slaad stands before the group, defiant. Some of its wounds heal, before it lunges forward to claw at Batthwack's armour and then whips round to bite the raging Gwen. Will's running low on magical energy and doubtful he can do any meaningful damage to the slaad, given that it can apparently heal itself, so flies out of the creature's view and casts *Major Image* to make it appear that he's kidnapped a slaad baby, conjuring the sound of a grunting, crying baby along with it. He has no idea what this should look like, but imagines a smaller version of the toad-like slaad with a tadpole's tail. By pure luck he seems to have nailed it because as Will flies up and away, the slaad whips around and starts to track him, forgetting about the others and scrambling up the stairs to try and reach him.

Batthwack swings at the distracted slaad, but it has moved out of the way just in time. Gwen manages to chomp down on it's thigh, ripping it's flesh with her snout. Raphina flicks out her ring-mounted mace, but not quite quick enough to hit the slaad as it scrambles up the stairs into the fire, fixated on Will and looking as if it might climb the railing next. Raphina decides to cast a *Sacred Flame* at the receding slaad, but cannot hit. Gwen swallows the chunk of slaad flesh, already thinking about her next mouthful, and plunges headfirst into the flames to bite it right on the ass.

Now seeing the slaad appear above him, leaning out over the railing, Batthwack fires his *Eldritch Blasts* up at the staircase underneath it. They smash into it and the whole section from here up to the gaping hole that was made earlier suddenly creeks and starts to come away from the wall, tilting out over the abyss. Gwen is standing right on the edge of this section and the stairs slip out from under her clawed toes, which she happens to note with interest are now bestowed with purple, razor-sharp, faceted amethyst claws. She is able to move back just in time before the detached section of staircase gives out one last creek and snaps free. Will flies swiftly backwards to dodge it as it falls towards him, but the slaad is not quick enough to jump clear, and plummets along with the flaming wreckage towards the ground.

Gwen quickly moves to safety, out of the fire. Will swoops over to first make sure that no-one missed the fact that Batthwack threw a staircase at him, but also to remind them that there are a bunch of Sooty Gang ibish heading up the stairs. When he realises that everyone is starting at him because he's still holding a slaad baby, he throws it casually over his shoulder. Raphina and Gwen hear the sound of a huge crash from below them, presumably the fallen stairs hitting the ground. At the same moment Gwen, covered in dark red slaad blood, seems to regain her senses and finds herself worrying if anyone down there might have been hurt. The others also notice that the crystals on her body have significantly increased. Gwen begins to feel some acute rage regret and worries what Gorbis might think if he'd seen that. She hurriedly *Prestidigitates* the gore off of herself.

Will is more concerned about the ibish heading they're way and starts to fly downwards to try and get a view of them. Batthwack also begins to hurry down the stairs. Shrieks are heard from somewhere below and it's guessed that these are coming from Helen and Gorbis, who had not abandoned the race and must be still on the staircase somewhere. Will can just about make out the group of ibish, who've made some pretty significant progress up the stairs. He then spots that they have actually grabbed Helen and moments later, she is thrown clear of the staircase and hurtles towards the ground.

Will swoops in and relays this to the others and Gwen immediately casts *Dimension Door*, grabbing Batthwack and dragging him through with her. They reappear down the stairs somewhat near the Sooty Gang ibish. Will flies over to Raphina and hesitantly holds out his arms to her to offer a ride. She grins, knowing that Will will have to make bodily contact to carry her. She leaps on and they begin to sail down to catch up with the dragonborn.

Gwen and Batthwack re-appear a couple of flights up from the four Sooty Gang members, the muffled sound of Gorbis shouting indignantly audible below. Gwen runs down the stairs, calling out ''*Gorbis, I'm coming!"* She finds him cornered on the landing with two of the ibish approaching him menacingly. They have dark circles around their eyes, but one of these ibish looks like a great horned owl, the other like a weirdly stretched out barn owl. Gwen leans over the railing and fires off three *Eldritch Blasts*, which smash into them. Telepathically, one of them calls out angrily *"Hey, mind your own business!"* Gwen's mad and begins to *Rage* again.

There are now four ibish in total. Batthwack runs down the stairs, casting *Command* and yelling *"Flee!"* The two who'd been cornering Gorbis turn tail and run. A third ibish, who looks like a normal barn owl, is holding a nasty-looking, oversized hatchet, which he draws across his own arm as he looks up at Batthwack, completely unfazed. He then turns his attention to Gorbis. Batthwack levels his sword at him in a menacing gesture.

Will and Raphina arrive on the scene, Will blasting the ibish closest to Gorbis with three *Eldritch Blasts*, but his aim is off with Raphina hanging off him, and only one blast finds its target. The great horned owl ibish who had been fleeing skids to a stop as Batthwack's spell runs out, turns and throws his hatchet up at Batthwack, and it thuds into the woods of the stairs below him. He telepathically screams in fury and runs towards Gorbis. The normal-looking barn owl ibish shoves him hard as he passes, causing the great horned owl ibish to stumble back, flip over the railing and tumble down out of sight. Raphina fires a *Sacred Flame* at the normal-looking barn owl ibish, a tongue of flame shooting out and dealing some radiant damage to it.

Gwen lunges down and bites the ibish, while pushing Gorbis behind her. He seems strangely calm. The fourth ibish runs up the stairs, fury in his eyes, wielding a hatchet of his own. He jumps up and darts along the railing to get to Gwen, but she bares her teeth at him and he fails to hit her. The other fleeing ibish, having also regained his senses, tries to jump and swing his way up, but doesn't make much progress. Now in the clear, Gorbis reaches out and slaps Gwen on the butt, says *"Thank you maam!"* and starts running up the stairs, giving Batthwack a big toothy grin as he goes by. Gwen is seething.

Batthwack shrugs and turns his attention to the normal-looking barn owl ibish, casting *Thunderous Smite* as he comes down the stairs towards him. He turns to stare at Batthwack, opens his beak and rattles his tongue at him.

## Trivia

* The episode title refers to the group's suggestion for why the slaad didn't get toasted by Raphina's spell. Abby was casting *Sacred Flame* on the slaad, saying *"I'm gonna roast it's little butt,"* but unfortunately the creature succeeded on its save. *"It's got some sort of, like, plated butt cover, I guess. Metal butt cover."* Eric: *"But something non-conductive."* Alex: *"I'm sure you can buy that on Amazon."* Abby: *"It's Calphalon."* Alex: *"Non-conductive, plated butt cover!"*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: scholarly.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured KT doing a recap to the tune of *Take Me Home, Country Roads* by John Denver:

*[Verse 1]*

Almost winning, Staircase race

Gwen's all flirty with Gorbis who's keeping pace

Will is shopping, buying some new clothes

Raphina is doing cartwheels, plop there goes her nose

*[Chorus]*

Battletoads, here they come

To punch my face, they're so strong

How could this go wrong? So much drama

Here they come, Battletoads

*[Verse 2]*

Batthwack goes up and down the stairs

Up down, up down, he rolls his eyes and swears

Dimension door spells, raging, finding keys

Gwen, Will and Raphina have far more energy

*[Chorus]*

Battletoads, here they come

To punch my face, but oh what's this?

A group of ibish, we are surrounded

By the Sooty Gang and Battletoads

*[Bridge]*

I hear the giant toads are actually called slaad

I hate how much that word is almost exactly like Strahd

I'm running out of things to sing about,

Because I was sick with Covid only yesterday, yesterday

*[Chorus]*

Battletoads, here they come

To punch my face, they're so strong

How could this go wrong? So much drama

Here they come, Battletoads

## References

1. ↑ Eric confirms that young slaad are indeed called slaad tadpoles!
2. ↑ Will was awarded *Inspiration* for this brilliant move!
3. ↑ The two of them had agreed to go on a date together after the race. See episode 263: I Need Some More...Rhinoplasty
4. ↑ See episode 264: Slaad Dressing
5. ↑ Gwen's *Dimension Door* is described as smelling like stepping into her candy shop: the aroma of spun sugar and chocolate, fruity, sweet goodness, all the delicious candy smells attacking your senses.