Burnout

**Thursday May 7th, 2020**

His backpack hits the floor with a thud.

“Brought your homework.” Aman calls out to the brown haired girl busy taking on an onslaught of holograms, “It’s kinda piling up.”

Melody hears her boyfriend’s voice at the entrance to the Danger Room, but she heard it a few hours ago too.

*Probably imagining it again. Focus. You’ll get knocked out again if you don’t.*

On the third day of her new routine, the bags of sleep under Melody’s eyes are clearly visible despite shadow covering most of her body. Nearing the fourth hour of maximum difficulty combat training after nine hours of intense workouts, all of Melody’s muscles scream as her shadow flares up and fills her with renewed strength beyond her normal limits. The air around her darkens and several near-human shadowy figures appear behind Melody as she surveys her opponents through blurred vision.

*Can’t keep this technique running for much longer. Need to take them out all at once and not get hit. There’s Yamato, Dr. Doorheart, The Bandicoot, Bloodshot, Reaper One, Mirror, Spegulo, Esam… wasn’t there one m--*

A sharp crack of pain surges through Melody’s back as Atlanta’s kick connects, the intensity near unbearable. The amplified damage taken while empowering herself with shadow was always a risk that Melody weighed carefully before using this technique, and a direct hit like this is more than enough to take her out.

Or, it would have been last week. But the pain, as intense as it is, isn’t exhaustion or sadness. There’s a comfort in it that washes over Melody as she grits her teeth and swipes back with her elbow, launching Atlanta into a nearby wall where the hologram bursts into digitized light and sound.

Turning back to the approaching holograms, an eerily deep cacophony of rattling chains fills the danger room as shadow chains crawl out of Melody. They curl up into the air like serpents ready to strike before simultaneously bashing and squeezing the other holograms until they too dissipate.

As Melody’s shadow retracts, she stumbles forward a few steps and catches herself before looking back to the danger room’s entrance.

“Oh. That was you. Hey.” Melody gives Aman a weary half-smile as she shuffles over to him. “You didn’t have to bring that. Thanks.”

“G-GAIA!” Aman calls out as Atlanta’s kick connects, fully intending to shut the routine down.
Then the chains rattle and surge, dark and burning with rippling shadows. Like Atlanta before them the holograms shatter into particles of light. All before Aman manages to get another word out. He stands there, gaping at the intensity, the sheer power of the moment he’s witnessed. Inside the worry and sadness clash with awe. There’s a brief struggle before awe finds itself helplessly crushed and Melody’s voice tugs him back into the moment.

“I…” the sternness in his voice takes a little longer to return, “No. I had to. You’re falling behind, and I’m not…”

*Look at her.* Aman grits his teeth, fists clenching and unclenching, an effort to brace himself for the path he’s about to take. His eyes scan his girlfriend, the dark shadows under her eyes; her disheveled hair. The weight of fatigue that clings to her.

“Mel.” despite the sternness his voice shakes with worry, “You can’t keep doing this.”

Melody frowns at Aman before guiltily turning away. Ernest had given her the same look while training together yesterday-- as out of it as she was then, it was hard to miss-- but he hadn’t said anything. She’d never seen the usually jovial Aman direct this kind of seriousness at her, and the novelty of it brings some clarity to Melody’s mind as she turns back to Aman with tired eyes.

“Yeah, probably not. But I’m gonna keep trying. I’m-- what I’ve been doing isn’t working, Aman.” Melody winces as her mind dredges up the previous week. “I have all the power I’d ever want now, and I’m still not good enough to protect the people I care about. Not good enough to protect you when you’re right in front of me. Not smart enough to keep from sending people on dangerous missions unprepared. Not…” her body shudders as tears well up in her eyes. She stares at the floor for a few long moments to gather herself before continuing in a small voice.

“Not a good enough friend to know when people are really hurting. And going to Algebra class or whatever isn’t gonna fix that.”

Aman winces, Melody’s words hitting him like a ton of bricks. When emotions are raw and fresh, words always do. And somehow no matter how many times he’s had to take that hit, it always hurts. More than a laser beam. More than a super strength punch. More than getting sent through a wall. Like the ability of words to bypass flesh and blood lets them rip into the soul with a deeper, meaner intensity.

*No. No...don’t cry…* His head screams at him to move, but Aman finds himself rooted to the spot. Aman worries if it’s the look he’s given her, of how he just spoke to her. Maybe he should have done it differently. But he can’t. There’s no softening this...right?

“Mel…” he finally closes the distance, his hands shaking when his arms wrap around and pull her into a hug, “It’s…”
He draws in a deep breath.

“It’s not. It won’t fix this, you’re right.” he rests his head against hers, “Mel. You’re...you’re not always going to be able to protect me. You...we, we’re not always going to be able to protect the people we care about. Or s-save everyone. That’s not how this works. And...we can try. We *should* try. But...we can’t lose who we are to do that. I’m worried because...you can’t keep pushing yourself like this. You shouldn’t have to…”

The shakiness in Aman’s voice cuts deep into Melody, who fruitlessly tries to hold back a few sobs as she wraps her arms around him and pulls closer into the hug. She sniffles and goes quiet, the warmth of Aman’s forehead against hers providing some solace as she considers his words.

“I’m sorry if I worried you, Aman. I know-- I know I can’t protect everyone. I know you’re right. But I need to be better. And I just--” Melody’s voice croaks as she buries her head against Aman’s chest, her body now trembling. When she finally continues, her small voice is muffled and flat.

“Being at home reminds me of her. And I couldn’t focus at school even if I went. So… just… I need this, Aman. At least for a few more days.”

*Let her have this. She needs it. It’s not that much, man, I mean you’ve done this too. Sort of. Don’t stop her. Don’t mess this up.* Aman’s own voice rang in his head. It still felt odd, being alone with his thoughts. Without having Horus to guide and advise him. Or even chide him. But he knew what Horus would say.

“No.” he hates the edge in his own voice, “No. You’ve done this long enough, Mel. Pushing yourself till you break isn’t going to make you better. It’s not…”

He pauses.

“I’m sorry. I...I know it sucks, suddenly not having her around. It’s awful, but you can’t...don’t use that as an excuse to do this to yourself. You can’t…” he shudders as he breathes in, “You remember that time when Big High blew up?”

Melody draws back at the harshness in Aman’s voice, letting go of her hug. She doesn’t immediately pull away from his embrace, but there’s a hint of frustration in her voice when she finally responds.

“Yeah, Aman. I was there that day too. Kinda hard to forget.”

Aman winces, reeling from the blow he feels like he’s just taken.

“R-right. Yeah. Sorry…” he sighs, “That’s not how I...how- I didn’t mean to say it like that. I...never really told you this, but I used to blame myself for it. Believed I could’ve stopped it, if I’d done something different. If I’d been faster. Or stronger. If I’d used all the power I had.”

*You still do.*

“And...I beat myself up for it for a long time. I pushed myself as far as I could too. It wasn’t...it wasn’t helping me. I just didn’t want to...deal with what I thought I was running from. And I was thinking wrong. I could have done something for Casper...I should have saved them, and I failed. But the only reason we even made it to the boiler room that day was because I pulled the fire alarm...so the only people in school at the time were me, and Casper, and...it was just the Big Team.”

Hot tears sting at the edge of his eye and Aman bites them back with a shudder.

“When Uncle H found out what I was doing...busting up holograms, staying out all night patrolling, he...wasn’t happy. I’m lucky he didn’t rip into me, t-though it felt like it. But he told me something I’ve tried not to forget. K-kinda the opposite of what really happened now that I think a-about it…”

The chuckle that leaves him is hoarse.

“He told me I couldn’t s-save everyone. And that I shouldn’t let that weigh me down. He said even with all the gifts we have, we’re just...human. That we will make mistakes. And fail, and falter, and fall. But if we let that stop us, then we’ve not only failed at saving others, about ourselves as well. That this weight…” his hand takes her, giving it a soft, reassuring squeeze, “It can be channeled into power, and will, and strength. So that when hope seems bleak a-and someone really needs us, we’ll push through and be there. For just one person. He said if you save just one person you’ve saved everything.”

The memory pulls him through time, taking him to the top of the Halcyon Needle. On the cool afternoon that Hisham Hamed sat him down and told him all this.

Aman leans back, making sure his gaze meets Melody’s.

“W-what I’m saying is. Don’t do this alone. Don’t take yourself to the brink by yourself. I’m here, Mel. Talk to me...please. I’ll always be here and I can’t...I don’t want to see you breaking yourself like this…”

Throughout Aman’s speech, Melody restrains herself from interjecting.

*We spent long enough together in Casper’s mind. I know you still beat yourself up over it.*

*I couldn’t save one person. That’s the whole point. Ellen was right in front of me and I had weeks-- months-- and I couldn’t help her.*

But she can’t bring herself to interrupt Aman while he pours his heart out to her. As he tries his best to comfort her in the way she’d seen him do countless times over the years.

As Aman finishes, Melody gives his hand a squeeze and tries to muster a smile.

*You only had to say that last part, you goober.*

“Yeah. I’m… I know you’re here for me, Aman. And I’m sorry, I-- I didn’t mean to shut you out or whatever. We can talk. We should. I’ve been, like, kinda distant the last few days, huh.”

Melody wobbles on her feet, falling into Aman’s embrace before giving a half-hearted laugh.

“Maybe we can, like, sit and talk?”

“You…” he almost tries to restrain himself from complete honesty, “Yeah, you have. I’ve been worried because I’ve never...I’ve never seen you like this.”

Aman pulls Melody close against himself once more, his arms wrapping around her in warm, protective embrace. As a soft smile plays at his lips, Aman shifts to plant a brief, gentle kiss against her cheek.

“I’d like that.”

He doesn’t wait for a response after that, letting his fingers entwine with hers so he can lead her out of the Danger Room. One brief, silent elevator ride later the couple enters the base’s rooftop greenhouse.

As the elevator opens, Melody looks at a small tea table some yards away and grips Aman’s hand tighter. She gently guides him past it to a small grassy area near the back of the greenhouse garden before tugging him down to the grass with her.

“*Tcht*.” Melody winces as she sits down, the pain in her back that she’d largely been able to ignore while standing up now burning.

“I might just lie down a bit instead…” She studies the ground around her before giving Aman a sheepish smile. After some consideration, she stretches out across the grass and rests her head on Aman’s thigh.

“Okay… so like, what’s been going on at school this week?” Melody looks up into Aman’s eyes before closing her own. “Gonna just rest my eyes a little, but I’m listening. I promise.”
“Y-you okay?” Aman balks when Melody winces, worry etched across his face.

Color rushes to his cheeks the moment Melody’s head rests against his thigh, making him feel like his heart’s just done a series of cartwheels and skipped about a dozen beats. Without any hesitation his hand moves to brush her hair, a smile blooming across his lips.

“Already deflecting, huh?” he shakes his head, “Fine. School’s been school, y’know. Assignments. Tests. Oh, yeah! You missed Flick trying to perform a stunt at the bleachers. Moron would’ve gotten hurt pretty bad if Tony hadn’t caught him. I think Sam caught it on video.”

He continues brushing her hair. He’s no longer sure if Melody’s still awake or not, not that it matters. In that moment, Aman feels as if she looks peaceful. More so than he’s ever seen her be before.

“Rest up. You need it. And don’t worry, I’ve got you.” his voice is soft, carrying the warmth of a protective embrace “Just give me a nudge if the stories get too boring, yeah?”

“Mmm.” Melody sighs with satisfaction as Aman brushes her hair, her heart pounding in her chest despite her exhaustion. “What a dork. Flick, I mean. And… not deflecting, just…”

“When Ellen and Tay left, I thought it’d be like when I moved out here a couple years ago, I guess? Like, it hurt a lot,” she slightly readjusts her head, “leaving behind friends and stuff. But with that… I could still stay in touch with them or whatever. Even if that didn’t really end up happening.”

“But this is like… she’s gone. Gone gone. And I can’t talk to her anymore. And it’s not like she died… I bet she’s happier and stuff now… but it just kinda feels like that. Just… gone forever. And I’ve just never had to deal with that, I guess. It…” Melody searches for more eloquent words, but they fail to come. “It just… really really sucks.”

Melody goes quiet as she considers what else to talk about. She could let Aman know about the solo missions she’d been on the last couple of days. How she almost beat The Jackal at sparring last night. How she passed by the Halcyon Needle and thought of him.

Instead, her head sinks more heavily onto Aman as her chest begins to slowly rise and fall.

A tear splatters against the hand he’s running through her hair.

“Sleep well, Mel.”