Episode 1: The Pie Mine Mystery Part 1

Zach

*G'day, and welcome to the very first episode of Dungeons and Drongos! A brand new podcast where four bonza mates play Dungeons and Dragons in Fantasy Australia - where absolutely everything wants to kill you! Filled with dropbears, dunnies, dropkicks and dingledongers, this brand new adventure series features Dungeon Master Luke (The Book Was Better, FPcast) tormening a heroic party of Suzanne, Paris and Zach! Start right here at the very beginning of our first epic adventure... The Pie Mine Mystery Part 1!*

## Synposis

Under the rule of King Samwise "Wortho" Worthington, any resident who does not gain and maintain employment faces the loss of all of their benefits, including their feet. McKenzie, Plank and Gadai have all been brought together under this scheme and are set to be the new security at the Chunky Bloke Pie Mine.

They are picked up by a stagecoach containing mine pitboss Alf the Steward to be taken to the mine. Alf tests the group by offering them whiskey, which McKenzie and Plank accept, then reminds them it is their first day at work and they are not here to party. He asks the three about themselves, but Plank is reluctant to talk about his past, and McKenzie tries to be vague about her dissertation but Alf, who has heard about it, explains how it talked about dwarves in racist terms. Gadai states that she does not believe she should be involved in this work programme because she was merely trying to rescue some of her friends from the animals with whom she grew up.

Alf further explains that he is the pit boss of the Chunky Bloke Pie Mine, and will occasionally act as a steward to escort visitors to the mine. He offers them pies, which Plank and Gadai accept while McKenzie examines them closely. Alf introduces the group to "Little Beefy", a tame piebug, and describes that the dwarves at the mine excavate down to retrieve piebugs, which are docile and edible but difficult to reach because the burrow deep into the ground. These piebugs are then sent away to be processed and provide the main source of meat for Fantasy Australia's pie supply. Recently, however, the security teams at the mine have been going missing, and therefore the three characters have been hired to take on the job.

The stagecoach is held up by a group of three bushrangers: Methface, Shitgob and Pusbum. Alf tells the group to prove their mettle as security by dealing with the bushrangers, remaining out of sight as his presence would scare the bushrangers away.
Plank initially considers giving the bushrangers gold to leave, then throws money on the ground and tells Methface to "Come get it, bitch." Methface orders Pusbum to retrieve the money, but when Pusbum does so, Plank initiates combat. The group injure Methface and kill Shitgob, which scares Methface. Gadai and McKenzie agree to let Methface and Pusbum live, and they flee without Shitgob's body.
The stagecoach continues, and Alf admits he is pleased with their work. He offers them a cigarette and when McKenzie takes it, declares that she will be the team leader once they arrive at the mine.

## Characters

* Gadai
* McKenzie
* Plank
* Alf the Steward
* Whipper
* Little Beefy
* King Samwise "Wortho" Worthington (mentioned)
* Methface
* Pusbum
* Shitgob

## Locations

* Buggaroo
* Chunky Bloke Pie Mine

## Peoples

* Dwarves (mentioned)
* Halflings
* High Elves
* Humans
* Tieflings

## Creatures

* Humpyhorses
* Piebugs

## Definitions

* McKenzie's Dissertation
* Gadai's Lagerphone
* Sleepingbagger
* Worthington Family

## Quotes

* Alf: "It's your first day on the bloody job! That was a test, you dickhead."
* McKenzie: "Well, see, I didn't realise that the people involved in my academic work would take my suggestions so badly, um, and I think it was an overreaction on their part."
* Alf: "I, uh, read a little snippet of what you [McKenzie] wrote, and, uh, it was a little bit racist. I didn't like it, because I thought it should have been a lot *more* racist."
* Gadai: "I call myself a ranger, a master of the bush."
Alf: "Yeah, master of the bush. I call myself that too."
* Alf: "Every fucker loves a pie! It was a trick question. Of course everybody loves a pie. But have you ever thought about - where do they fucking come from?"
* Methface: "Stand and deliver! Come on! I need to buy ciggies for me kids!"
* Plank: I pull four gold out of my pouch, and I drop it on the floor, and I say, "Come get it, bitch."
* Luke: So you've confused Methface, to a degree. Because he's looking at you, he's looking at the money on the ground, he's looking at his dick, he's looking at you, he's looking at the money, and he looks you in the eyes and just goes, in all sincerity, "What are you playing at, mate?"

## Australian Culture References

* King Samwise "Wortho" Worthington is a reference to award-winning Australian actor Sam Worthington.
* "Bludger", stated to be a local term for the unemployed, is Australian slang for a lazy person
* "Derro", also a local term for the unemployed, is Australian slang for an unkempt, homeless person
* The assigned job with the threat of benefit removal is likely a reference to the Australian "Work for the Dole" policy which was permanently enacted in 1998 and is still extant. Job seekers have "mutual obligation requirements" which they must meet to be able to access benefits - these requirements may be met by taking work placements, doing part-time paid work, study, or becoming part of the Australian Army Reserves. The policy is controversial.
* "Tacker", one of the nicknames given for halflings, is Australian slang for a child.
* Alf the Steward's name is a play on Home and Away character Alf Stewart, who as of 2020 is the only remaining original cast member in the soap and whose actor Ray Meagher has a Guinness World Record as the longest-serving actor in an Australian serial.
* "Bushpig", which McKenzie calls Gadai, is Australian slang for an ugly woman
* A "bushranger" refers to historical criminals within Australia who either escaped from early English colonies, or who later took up armed robbery from bases within the bush
* A "lagerphone" is an Australian instrument consisting of a stick with many bottle caps attached which jingle when the stick is moved in a percussive fashion. It draws from both Aboriginal Australian instruments using shells, and traditional English folk instruments using metal "jingles".
* "Durry" is Australian slang for a cigarette

## Trivia & Gaffes

* Luke confuses Pusbum and Shitgob during the fight scene.