The Complete Truth About Neon Genesis Evangelion

The Complete Truth About
Neon Genesis Evangelion

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EXCERPT FROM LOCAL
NEWSPAPER: MAN'S HOUSE EXPLODED MYSTERIOUSLY! 1 DEAD AND 3 HURT!

I'm a local crime scene
investigator, and I've been solving crimes for the last 20 years now,
but nothing has boggled me like this explosion case. What caused it?
There was no evidence of any explosive materials around, so what
caused it? The only surviving item in the house, was an old video
tape about some shit labelled: “Evangelion
Lost Footage TOP SECRET”. This bothered me, and made me wonder if
it had anything to do with the explosion. I kept the tape for
evidence.

I then
started to do some research about these mysterious explosions. I
found an article about a similar case in Japan, known as the GAINAX
Explosion. I had to do some digging though before I could find
anything interesting. I found the victems internet history to see if
I could find anything worth while. He did have something of value. He
met a user who had a tape. I visited this user. I spoke with him, and
he was suprisingly easy to get information out of. He says that he
was a former GAINAX employee, an intern to be exact. He also showed
me another tape he had. I took this tape, and took it back to the
station.

I put it
in my old vhs player. The show started. When the intro came on,
instead of Shinji being there, it was some strange long haired man.
He was also a naked lady. I wanted to turn the video off, but I
continued.

It said:
Previously on Neon Genesis Evangelion. It then showed skrillex and
DeadMau5 throwing a mau5 head at Gendo. Then it showed a building
getting luanched at Asuka, before Gendo eats Rei. I was horrified at
the sight. I knew that Gendo was more than just a villian on the
show; he was pure evil.

It then
displayed Tokyo- 3. Then a voice could be heard saying: “INCOMING
ANGEL!!!!!!” Then Ramiel, or the diamond angel showed up! Instead
of the EVAs showing up though, Misato, Ritsuko, and Skrillex showed
up instead! Misato then pointed at the angel and said: “RITSUKO
TRANSFORM!” Ritsuko leaped into the air, and revealed her final
form! She had transformed into.... RITZUKO!!! Misato grabbed the box
of Ritzuko crackers, and shot at Ramiel like a machine gun! Crackers
and blood was flying everywhere! Ramiel shot his SUPER LAZORS, but
our heroes were too quick! AND THEN MISATO LAUNCHED A KETCHUP PACKET
AT RAMIEL, AND EXPLODED! This was odd since when I looked at the
ketchup, it was normal ketchup; MIXED WITH HUMAN BLOOD!!!!!!!! RAMIEL
WAS BLASTED BACK INTO A GAS STATION! Ramiel rose from the fire,
REVEALING HIS NEW ALLY!!!!!! WHEN HE SPLIT OPEN, INSIDE WAS NONE
OTHER THAN GENDO FUCKING IKARI! I KNEW IT!

Ramiel
then shrunk into the palm of Gendo's hand, AND THEN GENDO ATE
HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GENDO THEN RIPPED HIS PANTS RIGHT OFF, AND
REVEALED HIS ASS TO THE CAMERA! His ass was so realistic looking, it
made me puke in my mouth. I then looked closer into the eye of
Gendo's butthole. THERE WERE LOTS OF TINY SHARDS OF BITTEN RAMIEL IN
THERE! EVERYONE WAS GONNA DIE FROM GENDO'S ASS GUN! Then skrillex
turned up his bass real hard! THE WAVES OF THE SICK AS SHIT BEATS
REFLECTED THE SHARDS BACK AT HIM! “TIME TO FINISH YOU OFF NOW!”
yelled Skrillex. He whipped out his dick, but he didn't have a penis
there. HE HAD A BASS CANNON! He then grabbed Ritzuko, and loaded her
crackers into his dick bass cannon! He then pumped his bass cannon
hard, and shot the crackers at Gendo! Gendo was getting destroyed by
the dick crackers! He then swallowed one of them. This was a mistake,
since HIS FUCKING HEAD EXPLODED! THERE WAS GENDO BLOOD EVERYWHERE ALL
OVER THE PLACE! Everyone thought it was the end of Gendo. They
celebrated too early. Out from over the city had come the final boss
the real mastermind! IT WAS PEN PEN! THE FUCKING PENGUIN WAS THE
MASTERMIND THE WHOLE TIME!

THIS WAS
THE FINAL BATTLE FOR TOKYO- 3! PEN PEN SHOT LAZERS EVERYWHERE! TOKYO-
3 WAS CRUMBLING UNDER THE WRATH OF THE PENGUIN OVERLORD! HE OPENED
HIS MOUTH, AND MP EVAS FLOODED THE ENTIRE CITY! Skrillex had a
genious idea. He said: “DROP IT DROP IT BOMB BOMB!” AND THEN OUT
OF NOWHERE, MISATO WIHPPED OUT A CONTROLL SWITCH, AND PRESSED THE
LARGE RED BUTTON! Coming from the sky, was a HELLFIRE MISSLE with
Misato's face on it! When it seperated into seperate missles, THEY
WERE ALL EXPLOSIVE MISATO HEADS! THEY ALL HIT THE MP EVAS, AND THEN
BLEW UP INTO MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF POOP AND BLOOD! I thought something
was off though, because Pen Pen was glowing with energy!!! HE
COMBINED WITH ALL OF THE MP EVAS, AND EVEN GENDO TO FORM SUPER MP
EVANPENDO!!!

EVERYONE
WAS FUCKED NOW! THEY WERE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MISATO LAUNCHED MORE HELLFIRE MISSLES, RITZUKO SHOT MORE GRENADE
CRACKERS, IT WASN'T WORKING. ONLY FEW LAYERS OF THIS MASSIVE BEAST
COULD BE TAKEN OUT AT A TIME! SKRILLEX LAUNCHED HIS DICK BASS CANNON,
AND COMBINED IT WITH EVERYONE ELSE'S POWERS! He pumped up his bass
penis really hard, and shot out! This resulted in a barrage of bass
blasted cracker hellstorm greande missles! Pen Pen was hurt badly,
but not out yet! All of the combined EVAs combined with him shot out
something of their own! They shot out GENDO MISSLES! GENDOS RAINED
DOWN ONTO OUR HEROES! Ritzuko and Miasto had an idea. CRACKER
HELLFIRE MISSLES WERE LAUNCHED, AND ALL OF THE TINY GENDOS WERE
DEFEATED! MORE GENDOS WERE LAUNCHED WITH THE ROAR OF PEN PEN! Too bad
Misato & Ritzuko were outnumbered by the missles, and were
getting rained upon by un attentive fathers!

They
were doomed, EXCEPT FOR ONE SMALL THING! Suddenly, out of nowhere,
SHINJI SHOWED UP! Pen Pen laughed at the sight of Shinji. Shinji
turned quickly, and looked at Skrillex. He then said: “YO SKRILL
DROP IT HARD!” AND THEN SKRILLEX DROPPED AN INSANELY SICK BEAT!
SKRILLEX WHIPPED OUT HIS STEREO SYSTEM AND HIS BASS CANNON DICK, AND
THE WHOLE PLACE WAS ELECTIFIED! SHINJI THEN STARTED DROPPING AND
POPPING SOME SICK MOVES ON THE FLOOR! SUDDENLY, EVERYONE STARTED TO
DROP MORE SICK MOVES! Suddenly, the Gendo missles started to turn
into regular Gendos. Shinji forgot from the first episode, THAT GENDO
COULD DROP SOME SICK MOVES TOO! EVERYONE WAS DROPPING IT DOWN LOW,
AND SHIT WAS GETTING HEAVY NOW! EVEN PEN PEN STARTED BRINGING THE
HEAT! EXPLOSIONS SURROUNDED EVERYTHING DUE TO THE AMOUNTS OF SICK
BEATS AND MOVES DROPPIN! THE GENDO'S TRAMPOLINE BOOTIES WERE GETTING
TOO INTENSE FOR THE HEROES!

THEN AN
EXPLOSION WENT OFF IN THE SKY! IT WAS DEADMAU5, REI, AND THE REST OF
THE EVAS! THEY WERE SAVED! That small boost was what had saved the
now destroyed Tokyo- 3 from a total massacre! Pen Pen's MP EVAs
exploded off of him, and were falling to pieces! All of the Gendos
formed again into regular Gendo as he fell down to the ground. The
floor started to open! It was the door to Hell! Then Evil Pen Pen and
Gendo were being dragged back to Hell by none other than ASUKA SATAN!
The ground then sealed back up again. Tokyo- 3 had been saved! It
ended with Shinji looking down, and bringing his head up to look at
the camera. He then says:” I think we dropped a little too hard...”
Then the credits started to roll over a pan out of Tokyo- 3. It ended
suprisingly normal.

I
remembered what happened to the two other people who watched one of
these. I was ready for the explosion. The credits ended though, and
nothing happened. I was releived now. I then got up to continue to
the police station.

It's
been 4 years since I watched the tape. My life was changed forever
since that day. I always felt as if something wasn't right in my
life. I could always see Gendo around the corner, or I would see
outlines of penguins. I'm scared now. I feel like I'm always being
watched. I can never sleep anymore. I did need to get some rest
though. I was in the middle of a bad dream of Gendo, and that fucking
penguin, and woke up from it. I looked to see my wife sleeping next
to me. She woke up as well, and turned to look at me. When she turned
around IT WAS GENDO IKARI SLEEPING NEXT TO ME AND THEN MY ENTIRE
HOUSE BLEW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE ONLY
REMAINING EVIDENCE WAS A MESSAGE SPELT OUT IN BLOOD SAYING:
EVERYONE'S
NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!