Hell Rules

*As our now TOTALLY KILLED PARTY take stock of their new, Hellish surroundings (spoiler: it's Hell), perhaps they would do well to enlist a guide of sorts to show them the way? Enter a mysterious ferryman (GUEST STAR CALDWELL TANNER) but does he have his own agenda? Or does he just want to get home to....his wife???*

The episode features guest star Caldwell Tanner as Charles Manson Riley.

## Summary

The party reaches Hell, realizing that their bodies have changed to their original states but altered to fit their demise. Bellow was vaporized so his lower half is a genie-like wisp of smoke. Frederick has regained his fleshy body but his heart attack forces him to carry his bulbous, swollen heart in a wheelbarrow of bones with Goatse and Prolapse living inside. Albee is fused to Cordelia’s back, stuck together how they died, and Cordelia bleeds denim from her wound.

They are swept up by the chaos of Hell, ending up dumped in a The River Styx. After a brief squabble with Samuel Clemens, they are picked up by a giant duck named Beavis acting as a tour boat. They are approached by a cheerful man and owner of the duck boat, introducing himself as Charles Manson Riley. He explains that he ended up in Hell because he was mistaken for a man whose name was spelled similarly to his own. He greets them warmly and explains that he runs tours down The River Styx, pointing out the strange sights around them. The party is briefly distracted by the never-ending horse rave, but Albee reminds them of their real reason to be here. Charles offers to bring them home to meet his family, explaining that his wife is a former Mothra Tau Delta herself. Cordelia asks about Cheddar, but whenever she mentions him or his restaurant she vomits out coins and plays an ad over her head.

We get a brief scene with Stirfry, who is acting as the bumbling guardian angel to a little girl named Ginger. Stirfry attempts to teach her how to ride a bike, but she ignores him and goes speeding down a hill. Stirfry manages to catch and save her, sending them flying into a pile of leaves instead. Their neighbor only sees Ginger ruining his pile of leaves, and Stirfry points out that it hurts his feelings that Ginger doesn’t tell other people he’s real.

They arrive at his home, a nicely decorated house painted to resemble an actual normal house. They eat while they meet Charles’ loving wife, Floating Wolf Orb the mass of floating wolf heads. They realize that time works differently down here, so she only attended Polaris University while it was in Hell. She praises the opportunities the hellish college gave her, but is unwilling to discuss the previous dean. When they ask to know how Hell works, she explains that people die all the time in Hell but are hardly even inconvenienced by the act. The only true ways your soul can be destroyed are to be killed by a mortal weapon brought in from the mortal plane or to violate the essence of who you are. Realizing that they need to find Stirfry. Charles casts Locate Person with some of Stirfry’s cheese, getting the feeling that Stirfry was here the equivalent of 50 years ago. The couple know of several time traveling holes throughout Hell and point the party in the direction of The Other Side before they commit to that path.

They arrive at the 60’s style diner staffed by a spidery cook and a medusa waitress. When Cordelia asks her to see Cheddar, the waitress’ eyes change to Cheddar's and he greets her.

## Trivia

* The episode's title comes from the closing line of Mothra Tau Delta's ritual.

## Links

Episode: https://art19.com/shows/rude-tales-of-magic/episodes/f3d6e55b-6387-476a-8670-9635c47e542f