Diagnosis

The three clown doctors from the 1986 Kennedy Center

**Diagnosis** is a song in the Raggedy Ann Broadway musical. Marcella's doctors pop up in her nightmares, this time donning clown wigs, to sing in a lively patter about how she's chronically ill and won't last the night.

## Lyrics

**Doctor Two:**

We fear there's bromidorisphobia

**Doctor Three:**

Which means that there's a lobe o' ya poor brain

**Doctor One:**

Which isn't working really right

**Doctor Three:**

Compound pneumonoconiosis

**Doctor Two:**

Leads to only one prognosis

**Doctor One:**

That supposes you could last 'til

**All Doctors:**

Tuesday night

**Doctor Three:**

So we address the situation

**Doctor One:**

With a grave deliberation

**Doctor Two:**

As physicians, not magicians who you seek

**Doctor One:**

A case of thrombocytopenia at this stage can only mean ya

**Doctor Three:**

Got no paddle

**All Doctors:**

And you're really up the creek

Because you're sick, sick, sick

And you ain't gettin' better quick, quick, quick

We would do something really good

**Doctor One:**

If we could

**Doctor Three:**

But we can't,

**Doctor Two:**

And we won't

**Doctor Three:**

So we'll keep right on consulting

**Doctor One:**

Please don't think that we're insulting

**All Doctors:**

But you're ill, ill, ill

And boy, for us is that a thrill, thrill, thrill

We'd like to help ya

But your case is complicated

And we know when something's fated

So relax, enjoy, and please stop asking why

Because you're sick, sick, sick

And we think you're gonna die

*[Instrumental]*

**Doctor Three**

A case of hydroadenosis

**Doctor One**

That's our major diagnosis

**Doctor Two**

And how close is your demise, we cannot tell

**Doctor Three**

But this results in melancholia

**Doctor One**

And as we already tol' ya

**Doctor Two**

As a whole, you're really doin' not so well

**Doctor Three**

You've got a bad coxsackie virus

**Doctor One**

That has now begun to tire us

**Doctor Two**

And we've done about as much as we can do!

**Doctor Three**

It doesn't matter what yer wishin'

**Doctor One**

Go and call a good mortician

**Doctor Two**

'cause you're fadin' fast

**All Doctors:**

And you ain't pullin' through

Because you're sick, sick, sick

**Raggedy Ann:**

She's not!

**All Doctors:**

Your future isn't worth a lick, lick, lick

**Raggedy Ann:**

No, she's not!

**All Doctors:**

As master surgeons we confess you're a mess

And we'd like to express

Our condolence to your father

Gad, it really is a bother

That you're ill, ill, ill

**Raggedy Ann:**

She's not!

**All Doctors:**

And wait until you get the bill, bill, bill

**Raggedy Ann:**

He'll never pay!

**All Doctors:**

We know you're sinkin' and although we're glad we met ya

That ol' reaper's gonna get ya

So we'll bid adieu and wave ta-ta, goodbye

Because you're sick, sick, sick

And we know you're gonna die!

Mmmmmmmm

## History

### ESIPA Workshop 1984

* The song was originally set before Raggedy Ann's appearance, so her lines were not in it. Instead of switching every line, each doctor got an entire verse to himself, and the first line of the second verse is "a hirsute hidroadenosis" instead.

### ESIPA 3/1/1985

* In this version alone, the first verse of the song is still set before the dream begins, sung "very seriously and softly" by the real-life doctors. The lines of the first chorus are interspersed with the dialogue, with underscoring covering the gaps. The rest of the song is moved until after the dream, and sung through normally.

**Doctors:**

You see she's sick, sick, sick,

**Poppa: (spoken)**

Get out! Get out!

*[Dialogue, Poppa attempts to kick out the Doctors]*

**Doctors:**

The child is ill, ill, ill,

*[Dialogue, Poppa succeeds but the Doctors remain in the doorway]*

**Doctors:**

The child is sick, sick, sick,

And we think she's gonna die!

### ESIPA Nov 1985

* The song is moved until after Raggedy Ann's appearance, but her lines have still not been added.

## Videos

Raggedy Ann - DiagnosisRaggedy Ann Broadway Demo - DiagnosisRaggedy Ann 1986 Broadway - Diagnosis