John Oliver Returns: LOST EPISODE

This story is a sequel to John Oliver Lost Episode.

What I am about to tell you actually happened, but I still have a hard time believing it myself. It was a cold, stormy early morning, and I could not sleep. So, I turn on my tv, and went to my favorite movie channel; HBO. My child was coughing loudly in the other room, but that’s okay, because it’ll pass; it always passes… And I don’t believe in vaccines. John Oliver himself told me on his show that, “Vaccinness definitely cause side effects, I’ve seen the damn globalist gloating about that!” He’s always right; that dude is a genius. My wife was still asleep, she kept telling me that, “John is just a crackpot! Everything he says is nonsense meant to scare you into buying his crap!” The bitch just wouldn’t know reason, even if it hit her in the face, so I do it instead. Back to the topic at hand, I went on a TV guide and saw the usual episodes from John and his super-team; except it was anything but usual. The whole info was slightly read, and I swear I could hear a high pitched noise, but I had my tv muted.

“This isn’t right, but I can’t put my fingie on it!” I yell loud enough to wake everybody else up. My wife hit me across the face with her pillow and yelled “Are you watching that John Oliver garbage again!?” I batted my eyes at her and just said “Yessies, I am.” She scoffed at me in disgust and got up to check on our child, Cluster. David, I went back to my daily consumption of Real News TM.  I selected a episode called “I AM INSIDE YOUR CLOSET RIGHT NOW!” since I thought it was a quote from Kill Biden. The video started with the usual Last Week Tonight opener, and John Oliver came on screen, but something odd occurred to me: The episode wasn’t shot on his usual studio set, it looked more like the inside of my closet. I would have gone to check, if I hadn’t already been entranced by Oliver’s head, glimmering smile, and furry porn. God, I just want his scrotum in my mouth… I bet it tastes like BrainForce and super male vitality.

John began, “Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, but mostly gentlemen, because all the ladies are in the kitchen right now!” He laughs in his usual maniacal, yet sexually alluring way, slapping his hand across his knee at that empowering zinger. He continued, “We’re just havin’ fun here, everyone!, But seriously get in the fucking kitchen to fight the liberal globablis elite!” At this point saliva was firing out of his mouth like it was a geyser. Oh also I was surprised at his use of the “fuck” word, as I am a god-fearing family man, I was rather offended by this cursed curse. But it was my Alexa, so I let it slide, but I shouldn’t have. John went on a 5-minute rant about how vaccines in children cause autism, his head now coated in a thick layer of sweat (which was sexy,) and then after his rant and while he’s cooling down, he grabs a dress shirt off of the clothes rack that looks a lot like the one I wear to my office job, pats his sweaty head with it, then devours it whole. I thounght this was odd, but it was just one of his comedy bits that viewers just don’t get, like I get him. He then said, “THAT WAS TASTY…. YUMMMMMMM!” I laughted so hard, I shat myself, so I got up and shimmied my way to the bathroom. I could hear my wife with Charlie, both of them were screaming; but Cluster is a baby and I assumed my wife was on her period (gross).

After I finished my shit shimmy, I cleaned myself up in the bathroom sink, wrapped several hand towels around my waist, and returned to my beloved programming. John at this point was stairing directly into the cammera with his gleaming eyes; literally gleaming. I almost went blind because they were so bright that it could have blinded me. I recoiled in pain from the pain, and just then, the speakers made a loud screech; it was loud enough for me to hear twice. John then smiled a rather cheeky smile and winked at the camera. He said “Please welcome onto the show, YOUR WIFE AND KID.” I thought this strange, since I didn’t know anyone named Yu, but if John had their family on, they must be trustworthy; especially for one of them Asians. I like Panda Express because their food is good, and that’s Asaian, so I trust Asia. The woman and child came on screen, but there wearing Alice the rat mask and a Brian Swards of York. They looked at John, and then to the camera, and then back to John again for the second time. The Alice  said, “I like to eat the souls of libtard cucks who think they can abort my fetus for free; that cost extra” The baby, who looked no older than two, then said in a deep booming voice, “Fuck Dr.Phil!” John retorte, “More like Steve Harvey!” Then, an offscreen drummer hits a rimshot while John slaps his knee once more, swallowing another dress shirt and chasing it down with vodka that just materialized.

“I’m a lizard, Chuck!” He stared at the camera, at me, into my soul. “There’s like 5 other people named Chuck!” I thought aloud with my words. “Yes, Chucklus” John said menacingly, “And they’re all your dead kids!” He cackled like a hyena from The Lion King and pulled the clothes back, revealing for fetuses in jars. They were glowing, and they all had my exact face; despite being undeveloped little goblins. “GUESS WHAT I’M GOING TO DO, CHUCK?” John beamed at me with a crazed look. “I’M GONNA EAT THEM, CHUCK!” I gasped, because John was gonna do what he said Cucktards do, and cucktards are liberals. Wasting no more time, John unscrewed the first jar, tipped it upside down into his gaping mouth, and gobbled the goblin down his gullet. The two guests were now cheering, “EAT THOSE FUKING KIDS!” John grabbed the second and third ones, breaking the jars on the desk and letting them fall into his mouth, chewing at a vigorous pace that was incomprehensible to what we as humans know as speed. I wanted to change the channel, but Jon said, “YOU BETTER FUCKING NOT OR ELSE I’MM GONNA KILL!” I was very intimidated by this, so I pissed myself, as one does. At this point, the mother and child took off their masks, revealing that they were actually my wife and kid! They were chanting “CHUCK THE CUCK, CHUCK THE CUCK!” as John was feasting on the last fetus, biting the head off and sucking the insides like one would while eating crawfish. I’m allergic to crawfish: I found this out when I went to Red Lobster and nearly died looking at a shrimp. John then snapped the neck of Cluster, and ate his body whole, like a snake would. My wife started chanting, “EAT ME NEXT JOHN!” John held up his index finger, motioning to hold on a second, and left the view only to return a few moments later with a human-sized Blendtech blender. I could hear her get horny for the blending, that cheating slut! She run in like Sonic the hedgehog, and John turned on the blender.

Within an instant, my wife began to rip apart within the confines of the blender, shredding into tiny pieces and blood splattering against the inside of the pitcher. Another moment goes by, and my wife is nothing more than a pink-white sludge smoothie of blood, guts, and bone matter. John screamed, “I GUESS IT WILL BLEND, CHUCK!” as he tipped it over and let her spill onto the floor. What was left of her began to seep out from under my closet door. I thought this was a leak of my cherry Fanta shower, because I live in a trailer. I went over to lick it, not wanting to waste any of the gods’ nectar, however it tasted more human than cherry. I instantly vomited on the floor, and returned to the program. However, I could see what looked exactly like my vomit seeping onto the floor in the program. John cackled once more and said, “DIDN’T YOU READ THE TITLE CUCKTARD? I AM LITERALLY IN YOUR CLOSET.” He growled like a ferocious lizard, and my heart sank like it was sinking because it started to sink in sinksand. I reached for my gun that I always left in reach of Chester Cheetah, but it was bent in a 180 degree angle. This made me angry because I love my gun more than I love Jesus. John laughed, and went for the closet door. He vomited a black liquid from his mouth, while saying, “JOIN ME!” He then opened the door, and I could see him; my muse, my idol, my fantasy. The sight of him gave me an instant turbo boner. I was scared, but also horny. New fetish, I guess. John charged at me with the speed of a cheetah and the power of a raging bull. He slammed into me and I blacked out from the impact.

When I woke up, I found myself in my bed, lying next to my whore of a wife. God, why did I even marry her, we hate each other, and she smells like cabbage, and I hate her stupid nose; it’s such a bad fucking nose, I wish I could just rip it off and sell it for booze money. She was asleep, like the lazy whoreslutbitch she was. I could hear Cluster screaming like the little leach he was in the other room. He probably shat himself, but he needs to learn how to take responsibility for his terrible fucking choices: he is such a dumbass. I only ever had the little shit for religious obligations. I decided to leave him because I am awesome and know how to clean myself, unlike stupid baby child. I am so cool, I have one friend on Twitter, and it’s Tom. Tom is so fucking good to me, I should have married him instead. I am like super strong I could throw my whore of a wife into oncoming traffic and everyone would cheer because of my Herculean strength. I looked in my Scooby-Doo pajamas, and there was so much cum, more than wife could make me. “I see you made a little mess, Chuck…” I heard a voice from where my wife was laying, that sounded very John Oliver-like. She arose from bed, and revealed a small zipper on the back of her neck, grasping it and pulling down to reveal that she was John Oliver all along!

He had hyper realistic blood emitting from his mouth and he bore his teeth, that rotated like a trash compactor. He leaned into me for a kiss, to which I immediately obliged. He sucked my face in like Kirby, and began compacting me. It hurt, but I did it for John. That is how I was vored by John Oliver.

By the way, I’m John Oliver.

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