The 5G Apocalypse

"*I cannot stand another second of getting bounced back and forth of being like scared and helpless on one end or intelligent and indignant about it.*"
―Erik
The 5G Apocalypse is the 101st lesson of Internet Comment Etiquette. It was released on August 26, 2019.

## Summary

Erik finishes up an important business phone call. He talks about how excited he is about 5G cellular service. One of the comments says that the NWO must be stopped so Erik demands they cease your investigations.

Erik finds a petition to stop 5G with nearly 25,000 signatures. He looks in the comments and it's just a bunch of crazy people so he has Curious Betsy add one of her own. Then he watches the video that the petition mentions, but it's an hour long so he presses skip a whole bunch and laughs at the crazy people in the comments.

Erik decides to watch a video explaining all of the benefits of 5G, but he just finds more wackjobs. He watches the video and the guy sounds like he actually knows what he's talking about. The comments don't provide a clear answer, so he leaves a fearmongering comment.

He decides that he needs to rework his lesson plan to accommodate for the new information he learned, so he plays the Sushi Day ad for VRV.

Erik gets off of the phone, but he's still worried about phones so he watches a news video. The comments are all panicking about 5G so the fear takes Erik over and he goes on social media to show everyone that 5G is dangerous. He yells at his students for thinking it's safe, but then one of his students links to an article that completely debunks the 5G scare.

Erik finds a video with a bunch of dead bees on the ground by some poles, and Erik takes this as proof that 5G is dangerous after all. But then he goes down in the comments and sees that the poles aren't even 5G poles. He decides that this is even worse, so he leaves a comment and shares it on Shakira's Facebook page.

Finally, Erik sees what Linus has to say on the subject. Linus says that there's no reason to believe that 5G causes cancer, but he won't say that any technology definitively can or can not cause cancer. Erik gets upset because he just wants to know which side is right so he can make fun of the other side.

Erik decides that he doesn't actually care enough to do anything either way so he might as well not worry about it. He decides he'll just use his phone on speaker mode more often. He gets a call, decides to try it out, and Steve calls him back about his order of an entire crate of double sided dildos.

## Comments

*Hey yall I was wondering if anyone had a good story about a kitchen accident they were in? I slipped on my dog and fell through my oven's glass window last night so how many cell phones would it take to cook this chicken I had out defrosting?*
- Curious Betsy

*Hey you know how I can tell this is a conspiracy theory for old people? Because the video's an hour long and it's got no Spongebob Squarepants jokes in it. If you wanted to get the millenials scared all you gotta do is write “5G GIVES YOU CANCER" in a speech bubble above Squidward. The next thing you know we'll be back to using messenger pigeons. I can't wait till I'm old enough to let myself get freaked the fuck out over every single piece of new technology that comes down the pipeline. Right now the only thing that freaks me out is how sexually attracted I am to Patrick the starfish or whatever that thing is. That guy's hot!*
- Erik

*Oh man guys I don't like this. Pretty sure this is the big one! Time to stock up on canned tuna and dehydrated water because the NWO is finally about to take over and force all our kids to be okay with gay stuff. I've been waiting for this day since I was digging punji pits in my mama's womb, you know just in case someone tried to climb in there and take my freedom. But now they're DEFINITELY gonna get me if I don't unplug myself from the grid faster than the end of Million Dollar Baby when Clint Eastwood unplugged that lady from her life support. I'm gonna miss having a phone in my pocket, but pretty sure that sentiment's gonna change once I find out that thing's been microwaving my ballsack this whole time. Alright well I'm an adult baby, Team Penis over and out experiments military weapons assault frequencies microwave radiation Warfare*
- Erik

*DO NOT USE 5G IT KILLED MY DOG! I KEPT A 5G CELL PHONE STRAPPED TO HIS HEAD SO I COULD USE THE GPS WHENEVER HE RAN AWAY. UNFORTUNATELY, THE CELL PHONE WAS DANGEROUS IN THAT MY DOG DIED WHILE TEXTING AND DRIVING. HIS LAST TEXT READ: “I WANT TO FUCK YOU IN THE BUTT MEREDITH" -- NOW I DON'T KNOW WHO MEREDITH IS BUT IF SHE WAS HAVING SEX WITH DOGS IT DEFINITELY MEANS SHE WAS CAUCASIAN*
- Erik

*Serious question for my students, is 5G actually dangerous? https://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-cellphone-5g-health-20160808-snap-story.html*
- @commentiquette

*no*
- @AustinOnSocial

*DO YOUR RESEARCH*
- Erik

*it is so minimal that it isn't even worth talking about. the ppl that write articles about how dangerous it is cry about wifi being bad for us*
- @Bilalderheld

*OH MY GOD DO YOUR RESEARCH*
- Erik

*The 5G Health Hazard That Isn't nyti.ms/2XLqkVb*
- @m0plord

*okay that makes sense*
- Erik

*Oh shit this guy's right, that means 5G is killing an entire G's worth more of Bees! How many Bees is that?! There's only one thing worse for this planet than all the bees dying and that would be if we lost the Amazon rainforest, and last time I checked that mother fucker was doing just fine! I mean pick a side here you assholes, is a faster cell phone worth piles of dead bees at the bottom of every cell tower? All I know is that if bees could experience 9/11's, then these 5G boxes would be the detonation charges that George W Bush put all over the towers to bring em down. DO YOUR RESEARCH!*
- Erik

*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5lhKHGDKhM SIGN THE PETITION*
- Erik

*I'll tell you what DEFINITELY gives you cancer: Roundup Weed Killer. Stay the fuck away from that shit! Look, I don't know if 5G gives you cancer any more than if it grows a second dick in the back of your throat. There's no point in arguing even, because I've already changed my mind so many times that no matter where I stand on the issue, I'm always embarrassed about something I used to believe. But there's one thing we can all agree on, and it's that Roundup Weed Killer absolutely gives you cancer. I mean why else would Monsanto pay 2 billion dollars in damages a few months ago if they hadn't lied about their own research, paid off regulators, and bullied scientists to keep secret the cancer risks from their product? Also I heard 5G kills bees, but you know who kills A LOT of bees? That's right Roundup Weed Killer. And you guys remember Jeffrey Epstein? Yup, Roundup Weed Killer got him. Roundup Weed Killer gives you so much cancer that the tumors caused by Roundup are starting to enter the workforce, taking jobs from hard working Americans. And Monsanto feels totally fine hiding it because they have enough money to silence their critics, which I guess means that can happen with 5G too ah shit now I'm scared again**Anyway thanks Linus nice dick dude*
- Erik

## Context

1. ↑ There has been debate over whether glyphosate herbicides like RoundUp can cause cancer. While limited evidence exists of its use in agriculture being mildly carcinogenic over the course of a lifetime, the general consensus is that it poses no cancer risk to consumers.

## Video

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