Top Ten Groin Shots in Movies

## Introduction

*Todd is at the computer, where he lets out a frustrated sigh*

**Oancitizen**: *[peering up from* The Oxford History of World Cinema*]* Something wrong, Todd?

**Todd**: Oh, it's just, um...getting hit by writer's block *again*.

**Oancitizen**: Oh, yeah. My sympathies. What's the issue?

**Todd**: I don't know. I'm just...I'm just trying to write another pop song review or just...just *something*, you know? I'm putting pen to paper, and nothing's coming... *[sighs]* I don't know, Kyle.

**Oancitizen**: Well, if I can offer a bit of advice?

**Todd**: What?

**Oancitizen**: I think...you might be trying too hard. You can't force yourself into creativity. As cheesy as I know this will sound, these things have to come from the heart. So my advice is just look deep down and...see what you find there.

*Todd considers it, then rushes to his piano*

**Todd**: Top Ten Nut Shots in Movies! Go!

*Montage of appropriate clips from* There's Something About Mary*,* Robocop*,* Sin City*,* Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me*,* The Simpsons *- "Brother from Another Series",* The Venture Bros. *- "The Trial of the Monarch",* Jackass*, and* The Simpsons *- "A Star Is Burns"*
**Todd (VO)**: Let me be clear here. I'm not talking biting, I'm not talking shooting, I'm not talking castration. I want sheer blunt trauma! I'm only counting fists, knees, baseballs, tree trunks, anything that slams full force and squashes some moron's family jewels!

**Hans Moleman**: *[you know the clip, doubling over in pain]* Ooooohhhh!
**Todd**: Why? 'Cause it's my show, and sometimes you just need to watch people get slammed in the cajones...*repeatedly*. Got it?! I'm counting down...

*Clip of "Ode to the Nut Shot" from* Robot Chicken*, which serves as the interlude through the countdown*
**Todd (VO)**: **The Top Ten Movie Scenes of people getting hit in the nuts!**

## #10

**Todd (VO)**: #10.

*Clip from* A History of Violence
**Jack Stall (Ashton Holmes)**: It's just stupid gym class.
**Bobby Jordan (Kyle Schmid)**: Who're you calling stupid?
**Todd**: Not that I know anything about bullies or anything, but seriously, bullies suck!

***#10. Bully Ballbuster -* A History of Violence *(2005)***

**Jack**: You got me dead to rights.
**Bobby**: *[shoving Jack]* Come on, chickenshit, let's do this!
**Todd (VO)**: Screw those guys! Seriously, look at those douchebags. Don't you wanna hurt 'em? Don't you...don't you wanna see them get their comeuppance?

*Now in the hallway*
**Bobby**: Uh-oh. He's gettin' mad.
*[Jack tries to walk away, but Bobby's buddy stops him]*
**Todd**: There are better scenes on this list, more memorable ones I could've included, but I don't think there are any as satisfying.

*Jack pauses, then **kicks Bobby buddy in the groin** and goes after Bobby*
**Todd**: UNH! It gets better, motherfucker!

**Todd (VO)**: *[over the brawl in the hall]* Oh, yes. Oh, my, yes, that feels good. *[Brief clip of...]* God, I don't know why people care about the two sex scenes from this. *This* is by far the sexiest scene in the movie.

**Jack**: Are you laughin' NOW, you motherfucking, cocksucking piece of shit?
*Interlude*

#9
--

**Todd (VO)**: #9.

**Todd**: Sometimes it's not the groin shot itself that makes the scene, as it is the one-liner that accompanies it.

*Shots from* Monster Squad
**Todd (VO)**: In 1987, Tri-Star Pictures released a little movie called *The Monster Squad*, a low-end *Goonies* ripoff starring a bunch of universal movie monsters and featuring a different fat kid as Chunk and Frankenstein's monster as Sloth. It's not that memorable except, of course, for one scene that everyone seems to remember.

***#9. Basic lupine urology -* The Monster Squad *(1987)***

*[Wolfman pops out between Sean and Horace, with both kids screaming]*
**Sean (Andre Gower)**: Kick him in the nards!
**Horace (Brent Chalem)**: What?!
**Sean**: Kick him in the nards!
**Horace**: He doesn't have nards!
**Sean**: Do it! Do it!
***[Horace runs up and kicks Wolfman in the nards]***
**Horace: *[astonished]* Wolfman's got nards.**
**Horace: *[repeated]* Wolfman's got nards.**
**Horace: *[slowed down]* Wolfman's got nards.**
**Todd (VO)**: What really gets me about this is Fake Chunk's complete amazement and wonder, like he just walked into Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Like his world was just blown wide open by the existence of lycanthrope testicles.

**Horace**: *[astonished]* Wolfman's got nards.
**Todd (VO)**: Isn't that obvious? Why wouldn't the Wolfman have nards?

**Todd**: Wolves have nards, men have nards. Of course Wolfman's got nards.

*[One more* shot *of the kick]*
**Horace**: *[astonished]* Wolfman's got nards.
**Todd**: Eh.

*Interlude*

#8
--

**Todd (VO)**: #8.

*From* Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
**News (Timothy Scott)**: "Butch Cassidy's Hole in the Wall Gang struck..."
**Butch (Paul Newman)**: Butch Cassidy's Hole in the Wall Gang - that's me!
**Todd (VO)**: *Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid* is the Oscar-winning tale of two incredibly smarmy bandits who rob trains, pose for a lot of sepia-toned photos, and never, ever shut the fuck up. It ain't bad. Here's my favorite scene. See, this guy wants to fight Butch for control of the gang and he's way bigger. How's Butch gonna get out of *this* one?

***#8. First rule of fight club is... -* Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid *(1969)***

**Butch**: No, no, not yet. Not until me and Harvey get the rules straightened out.
**Harvey Logan (Ted Cassidy)**: Rules? In a knife fight? No rules!
***[Butch kicks Harvey straight in the nuts]***
**Todd (VO)**: Pow! Boot heels keep falling on my groin. Play it again.

**Harvey**: No rules! *[Kick!]*
**Todd (VO)**: The poetry, the grace, the precision timing, it's like ballet. Hell, *that* should've been the ending.

**Harvey**: No rules! *[Kick! Freeze frame as the shot fades]*
**Todd**: I can't believe I'm doing this. Next.

*Interlude*

#7
--

**Todd (VO)**: #7.

*Clips from* Idiocracy
**Narrator**: As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point.
***#7. Must-See TV -* Idiocracy *(2006)***

**Todd (VO)**: Mike Judge's cult comedy *Idiocracy* is a brutal satire of anti-intellectual culture, positing a future dystopia where people of lesser intelligence have so thoroughly outbred the smarter members of society that the entire world is populated by contemptible dullards who spent their lives wallowing in pathetic squalor, mindlessly running systems and institutions understood only by their long-dead ancestors, and amusing themselves with worthless juvenile entertainments, such as the hit TV show, *Ow! My Balls!*

***Man standing on balcony gets kicked in groin so hard that he flies off***
**Todd**: Truly, we see here the terrifying, logical endpoint of the modern world's underacknowledged banality, where the basic human urge towards progress and accomplishment has been subsumed as society is pacified by the shallow pleasures of moronic humor.

*The same guy, kicked*
**Todd**: Hah! Do it again.

*The man falls groin-first on a wire, a wall, gets it bitten by a dog, falls on a sawhorse, and gets slammed by a wrecking ball*
**Todd**: *[laughs]* Remember, you're an idiot if you laughed at any of that. Okay, one more.

*One last time, the man gets kicked as he sings*
*Interlude*

#6
--

**Todd (VO)**: #6.

***#6. Scrotum speed bag -* Dumb and Dumber *(1994)***

*Lloyd (Jim Carrey) breaks one waiter's arm, then kicks another in the face. Finally, one comes up and **Lloyd kicks him four times in the groin, goes to his knees, and punches him in the groin with both hands repeatedly** The speedbag clip repeats ad nauseum.*
**Todd (VO)**: #6 is *Dumb and Dumber*. I could just sit and watch this for hours.

**Todd**: Wow.

*Big finish: Lloyd lands one more punch and bites!*
*Interlude*

#5
--

**Todd (VO)**: #5.

*Title card of* Antichrist
**Todd**: *[enthusiastic]* Let me tell you about this hilarious comedy called *Antichrist*! See...

***#5. What is love? Baby don't hurt me -* Antichrist *(2009)***

**Todd (VO)**: *[clips shown]* ...this couple has a kid, and get this, the kid dies! And they go out to their little cabin in the woods to try and get over their grief, then...*[snickers]* hold on, the woman goes completely insane! And then she starts having sex with the dude, but then she gets all violent in the middle of it, and **she just completely destroys his gonads with a block of wood!** *[Laughs]* Then she grabs him by the junk and...I don't wanna spoil it or anything, but...there's a lot more blood involved. And then she grabs a pair of scissors and...

**Todd**: *[still laughing]* ...oh, man. *[His laughter turns into crying]*

**Fox**: Chaos reigns.
*Interlude*

#4
--

**Todd (VO)**: #4.

***#4. Winning -* Hot Shots Part Deux *(1993)***

*[Topper (Charlie Sheen) ties a blindfold on and walks into a post]*
**Todd (VO)**: Oh, hey, Charlie Sheen. I remember this from back when he was a respected, successful actor, and not a burnout, lunatic, walking punchline rambling about Adonis DNA. Good times, man. Let's watch some of your greatest hits.

*Topper's opponent (James Lew) tries to push his eyes back his skull. Topper counters by tickling him and **kneeing him in the groin, much to everyone's shock and horror, from the babies to the sportscasters. The opponent's balls come right out of his mouth.***
**Todd**: That's disgusting.

*Interlude*

#3
--

**Todd (VO)**: #3.

*Scene from* Goldfinger*, with James Bond (Sean Connery) strapped to a table with a laser slowly inching towards his package*
**Todd (VO)**: No, not James Bond's nuts! He needs those!

**Todd**: He uses those more often than I use my thumbs probably!

**Todd (VO)**: There's a reason why this is the most iconic scene from any 007 movie. It's because of the incredible, stomach-clenching fear we have for Bond's ever-necessary wang. If that laser were going to split him in half at the waist, would anyone care? No. But this doesn't actually involve any nard damage, so we're gonna have to move ahead to a more violent Bond era.

***#3. Thunderballs -* Casino Royale *(2006)***

*[A chair seat is cut out, and a naked James Bond (Daniel Craig) is seated on it]*
**Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen)**: You know, I never understood all these elaborate tortures.
**Todd**: Oh, snap, *[picture of...]* Blofeld. You hear that? Someone's making fun of you.

*Le Chiffre swings a carpet-beater at Bond's package*
**Todd**: *[reeling back]* Eggghhh.

***Swings it harder***
**Todd**: *[further]* Eeeeeegggghhhh!

**James**: I've got a little itch down there. Would you mind?
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, that's a pretty good comeback. I can't help but think that Connery would've come up with something better though. *[Picture of Connery, who Todd imitates] I always knew you were completely nuts.*

**Todd**: There's something there, I'll work on it.

**James**: To the right! To the right! To the right!
**Le Chiffre**: You are a funny man, Mr. Bond.
***[He swings away again hard]***
**James**: AAAHHHHH!!!
*Interlude*

#2
--

**Todd (VO)**: #2.

*Various clips from* Jackass: The Movie
**Todd (VO)**: I never really watched the show, but the *Jackass* movies are some of the most genius pieces of absurdist, surrealist film-making I've ever seen. Salvador Dali would weep, man. It's also as powerful a testament to human pain and suffering, particularly to the testicular area, that you will ever see. No one has the balls to abuse their balls like these men. And I think it may be symbolic of the way they despise weakness.

**Steve-O**: Why do I have to be Steve-O?
**Todd (VO)**: Why, indeed. It's like they're punishing themselves for their own vulnerability, in their single most vulnerable area. There are many, many scenes I could include from the entire franchise that would work here, but if you want one specific scene, I'm gonna go with this bit from *Jackass 3.5*.

***#2. Do not try this at home -* Jackass 3.5 *(2010)***

*Various clips of balls thrown from great distances, **all ultimately hitting their respective targets—somebody's balls***
**Todd (VO)**: Think of the work, think of the logistics, all to hit each other in the balls. That didn't even make it into the theatrical cut.

**Todd**: As someone who also spends a lot of work and energy on doing something completely inane, I honestly find this a little inspiring. *[Ball falls from bridge, bounces once, **and hits the target**]* God bless you, *Jackass* crew. *[Salutes]*

*One more clip, ball dropped from low-flying plane flown by cheerful Johnny Knoxville*
*Interlude*

#1
--

**Todd (VO)**: #1.

**Todd**: You know, over the course of this list, we've seen the almighty nut shot start fights, end fights, torture the innocent, punish the deserving, give us a few cheap laughs. But in the end, there was really only one thing that could make it to the top of the list because out of all the nut shots I've seen—and I think I've proven I've seen a lot—this is the only nut shot that saved the world.

***Opening for* Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers*, the TV series***

**Todd (VO)**: You damn well better believe I was a *Power Rangers* kid. I was in love with this show. This show ruled my *life*. Then there was a *[clips from...] Power Rangers* movie? Oh *hell yeah*, I was there. They had a new villain, they had new Power Rangers moves, new weapons, new Zords, new freakin' Zords! And it still isn't enough to defeat Ivan Ooze.

***#1. Ay-yi-yi-yi! -* Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)**

**Tommy the White Ranger (Jason David Frank)**: Brace yourself!
*[Ivan hurls into the Ninja Falcon Megazord, hurtling both into space]*
**Billy the Blue Ranger (David Yost)**: Bearing 009. We're right in the comet's trajectory.
**Tommy**: We have to break his grip.
**Aisha the Yellow Ranger (Karan Ashley)**: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
**Kimberly the Pink Ranger (Amy Jo Johnson)**: What are you doing?
*[Aisha breaks the glass for an "emergency use only" button]*
**Todd**: Oh, my God, is she gonna pull out an even more powerful move? What could it be? The Mega Dragon Ninja Cannon? The Ultra Super Mega Ninja Spacezord Chainsaw?

**Kimberly**: What are you doing?
*[Aisha breaks the glass for an "emergency use only" button]*
**Aisha**: Taking care of business.
***[She hits the button, causing the Ninja Falcon Megazord to knee Ivan Ooze in the groin, sending him off into space right into the comet.]***
**Todd (VO)**: Bam, right in the mighty morphing private parts. Go, go Power Rangers.

**Todd**: You know what? That *does* make me feel better. Thank you, everyone, for watching me make the stupidest video I've ever made in my entire life. Okay, back to work.

*To finish it, clip from "A Star Is Burns", with the Oscar-winning performance from* Man Getting Hit By Football
**George C. Scott**: Ah! My groin!
*Closing tag song: AC/DC - "Big Balls"*

***THE END
Normal, less-stupid episodes resume next week
Special thanks to Kyle for last-minute cameo***