Osmund Parris

Ken Aldershot

Buck Waddworth

Harry Conway

Anthony Parris (Brother)

Osmund Montague Parris (born 5th of December 1933) is a dynamic man of awesome power. He began working as an accountant at Thornton Stationery Kensington and Chelsea Branch on the 8th of October 2021.

## Early Life

Parris was brought up in Haggerston, Hackney. He was the third of four siblings, and brought up by his mother in a council estate. He studied Criminal Psychology at the University of Kingston from 1952 to 1956 and graduated with a Master's Degree. In 1962, Parris obtained a civil service job as Financial Advisor for the Home Office under the Conservative Government. Parris worked in the Home Office Block in King Charles Street (Now the Foreign and Commonwealth office). He was ridiculed by other civil servants for coming from a working class family, to which Parris appropriately responded by dropkicking his ridiculers. For this, Parris was suspended for one week.

## The 60s

Parris quickly became a respected civil servant who attended many public events, actively donated to charity, and stood against unpopular Conservative Laws. In 1963, he was fired due to his Labour Party Bias. Parris moved to New York City in November 1964, where he was hired as a Criminal psychologists in the Bronx.

On the 4th of July 1965, Parris waved a fleet of 30 Union Jacks and 28 Labour Party banners outside of his New York flat. For this, a gang of local criminals entered his flat and attempted to beat him up. The leader of the gang charged at Parris, who seemed to be sleeping in his bedroom. As the man was about to punch him, Parris popped up from his bed - much like the WWE star, the Undertaker - and bit the gang leader's finger off. The rest of the gang ran into his bedroom for support. Parris performed a backflip and grabbed a steel Bo Staff from beneath his bed. He proceeded to disintegrate the gang, apart from the leader who he drove to his private warehouse and kept there until he psychologically destroyed him with the Chinese Water Torture, extreme manipulation, and Brainwashing. The Gang leader was let out of the warehouse on the 15th of July 1965, with a new identity, a new life and a permanent loyalty to Parris. According to residents of the Bronx at the time, this notorious gang leader began speaking in an East London Accent and advocating support for the Labour Party. This is believed to be from Parris' brainwashing.

On the 12th of August 1965, Parris was walking in Central Park, when he spotted a wolf. Parris was not afraid nor petrified. He stood his ground. The wolf began chasing Parris, however Parris did not move an inch. Parris choke slammed the wolf into the nearby lake. However he was not done. Eye-witnesses report that he took off all of his clothes, dived in the lake and bit the wolf. Once he rose from the lake, he screamed and beat his chest like a gorilla. When we questioned Parris about whether he did so or not, he responded with 'No comment'.

On the 20th of December 1965, Osmund was hassled by a notorious gangster on the streets of New York. The gangster was laughing at Osmund's fashion - At the time he was wearing an 18th century outfit with a top hat and a golden cane. Parris told the gangster to suck a dog, and the gangster was enraged by this. He took out a pistol and shot Parris. Parris calmly said ''I am shot.'' He then ran twenty three laps around the gangster in the space of 2 minutes, which disorientated the gangster. Parris then took out a sock full of oranges - a weapon of mass destruction - and began beating the gangster with it in the head. This knocked out the gangster, and almost split his skull into two. Parris made sure to break the gangster's legs, and take him near a dumpster in an alleyway. Parris said ''No one messes with Osmund Parris''. The gangster was left on the streets, and passed on the 24th of December 1965, frozen, starving, pathetic, alone, worthless.

On the 13th of January 1966, Osmund ran into a man stealing an old lady's bag. Osmund was absolutely furious with this. He turned this man round, and choked him until he became unconscious. He then took the man to his car, and drove him to his warehouse. He kept the man there for 5 days - where he kept him in a freezing cold, white padded cell. He would occasionally scream into the interphone, and play the Electric Guitar. This man was let out on the 6th day, given a grand meal, and given a brand new identity. He was given a mansion in the English countryside with a mid-century Tudor façade. According to the man (who asked to be kept anonymous), Osmund told him in a happy voice ''If you ever come back to the US I'll spoon your eyes out of your sockets and feed them to your mother!''

In 1969, Osmund legally changed his name to Ken Aldershot.

## International Relations

Osmund is banned from many countries and states. Here are some that we know of

* China (circa 1974)
* East Germany (1977)
* Washington State (1977)