A Real New Yorker

Ay I'm walkin' 'ere! Take the slice, leave the cannoli. Badda bing badda boom, buy the hot dog. (that's how real New Yorkers talk) Rewind back with us to this sketch from our season 9 New York special episode featuring Kenan Thompson!

## Transcript

Tori: I don't get it, how do you do this?
Dalton: You got to give the people what they want, alright?
Tori: But I... give them pizza! Pizzas, hot, it's fresh, it's very good!
Dalton: Hey, hot dogs! Nothing more New York than a hot dog from a streetcar with all the Fixin's. Which just means mustard and onions.
Aaron: Oh, I do want the New York experience.
Tori: Oh, oh, oh, well then, you would like this very large, excellent pizza. It's... great. It's so good, you fold it up like an edible lawn chair.
Aaron: Oh, okay.
Tori: Yes. The oil slides right down the middle so it goes straight to your arteries, where it belongs.
Aaron: Oh, what if I don't want that?
Tori: Then you don't want New York, and by default, America.
Aaron: You're right, I'll take two.

Dalton: Oh, oh. This hot dog has been sitting in a vat of dirty water all day.
Aaron: Why is that a selling point?
Dalton: Hey, I don't make the rules, buddy. Alright? If you want a real New York hot dog, it has to be sitting in a tiny, warm version of the Hudson River.
Aaron: Gross. I have to have it.
Tori: No, no, no. How about this? Look, look, this pizza will bring you so much joy. Like joy akin to that of getting a cab at 5 p.m.
Aaron: Oh, is that special?
Tori: Yes.
Dalton: Yes.
Tori: I mean...
Aaron: Street vendors are so wise.
Tori: Yes, yes. Yes, we are. Now, buy this pizza. It is the most New York thing you will ever do, my son.
Dalton: Oh, oh, oh. This hot dog is so New York, if it had a face, it would avoid eye contact with you at all costs.

Tori: Hey, how about this? Look at me. This pizza... are you looking at me? Look at me in the eyes right now, yes. This pizza right here was made by my beloved immigrant grandmother the moment that she spun onto this beautiful island. She tossed that pizza in the air, she said to me, "My child, my child, you will never play for the Sox."
Aaron: These all sound like stereotypes, which is exactly what I want from this trip.
Dalton: Okay, okay, okay. Now, this dog is so New York, if it weren't in this bun, it would be in a crowded subway wearing black clothes and headphones while pretending to be asleep so it didn't have to give up its seat to a one-legged pregnant lady.
Tori: Are you looking at me? Yes? Okay. Good. Now, my son, listen to me. Alright. This pizza, this pizza right here, it has an apartment. It is $3,000. It shares it with seven other people, okay? There is no A/C. It is 100 square feet.
Aaron: Wow.
Dalton: Alright, alright. This hot dog doesn't need an apartment. It jaywalks so much, it practically lives on the streets. Muah, bada-bing!
Tori: Look at me! Are you looking me in the eyes?! Are you looking at me very closely?! Are you listening to me? Good, my boy. Yes, because this pizza... this pizza, okay? It yells about everything, alright? It yells when it's angry, it yells when it's happy, and it especially yells when it rains!
Aaron: Do New Yorkers not like the rain?
Dalton: We hate all weather! When it's summer, we wish it was winter. And when it's winter, we wish we were dead, alright?
Tori: Listen to me. Death holds no terror for people who have lived in New York, okay?
Aaron: I can't tell if you want to live here or not, which I guess is another stereotype.
Dalton: Okay, okay, okay, okay. You listen here, buddy. New York is the greatest city in the world, pal. And if you have any respect for that at all, you will buy this very average hot dog and pretend it's the most amazing thing you've ever had.
Tori: Or, or, look at me, yes, or you will buy this pizza, alright, and compare it with people who have had the pizza from Chicago, and they will argue with it for like years about how that one is better, and they're wrong. It's wrong. This... this is the pizza!
Aaron: Oh, what if I just buy both?
Dalton: Oh, that's very New York.
Aaron: Okay. This place is way better than Newark.
Dalton: He's from Jersey! Get out of here!