Rogue One, But Better

Cassian Andor

K-2SO

Mothy McMothFace

Leia Organa

*"He was a boy; she was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?"*
—Avril Lavigne, "Sk8r Boi"([[|src]])
Rogue One, But Better was a mock-summary story based on Rogue One.

## Plot

On the Erso farm, Jyn Erso plays with a toy representing her childhood innocence. Galen Erso, her father, appears to comment on her game, his comments making a parallelism with the Death Star. A menacing spaceship lands and Galen repeatedly urges his daughter to run. After several encouragements she runs and hides.

Eventually she is rescued by a cyborg man named Bob (whose film-canon name, Saw Gerrera, is replaced due to The Narrator's distaste for its spelling). There is an undescribed montage of Bob caring for the growing Jyn, unlike in *Rogue One*, in order to make Bob a more sympathetic character so that his eventual death makes an impact on readers.

Thirteen years or an otherwise unknown number of years later, Cassian Andor and K-2SO meet the adult Jyn. Unlike in the film, Cassian is set up as Jyn's love interest. K-2SO's comic relief lines are different in an undescribed way, which apparently makes them subjectively better.

The characters travel to Tatooine, as Bob has set up base here instead of on Jedha as in *Rogue One*. The reason for this change is not given, though the random inclusion of dewbacks implies that The Narrator changed the setting in order for dewbacks to briefly appear. Bob has sacrificed his morals to fight the Empire, and while he and Jyn have a friendly meeting, she criticizes his methods. The Death Star hits the planet with its laser, forcing Jyn, Cassian, and K-2SO to flee while Bob dies in the attack. Jyn and Cassian argue about Cassian's approach to the Rebellion, particularly Cassian's mission to kill Jyn's father. When presented with the opportunity, Cassian does not kill Jyn's father, though he dies by another undescribed means after having a moment with Jyn. The fanfiction-exclusive romantic subplot between Jyn and Cassian begins to develop.

They travel to the rebel base, where the Rebellion is in disarray. Jyn proposes a heist of the Death Star plans. Mon Mothma expy Mothy McMothFace rejects it, but then agrees to it. The remainder of the story is said to be similar to the real film, except Jyn and Cassian kiss and then have anal sex before the Death Star destroys the Imperial base. The Death Star plans are sent to Leia, but Darth Vader does not appear to try and intercept them as in *Rogue One* or *Star Wars Episode IV*. This is notably the only change which affects a Star Wars film other than *Rogue One*. After the credits, hybrid dinosaurs play tennis.

The story is revealed to be The Narrator's fantasy when she appears in an argument with Jyn about whether the film itself was enjoyable. Jyn believes that people liked the film, but presents only weak statements in favor of it while The Narrator gives long-winded descriptions of why she believes the film was bad. Jyn being a strawman is suddenly explained when she is revealed to be The Narrator's coma dream, and The Narrator immediately dies.

## Notable Changes

* The character of Saw Gerrera (dubbed Bob for this version) is depicted raising Jyn in order to give the audience more familiarity with him and provoke an emotional response at his moral degeneration and eventual death.
* Cassian Andor and Jyn Erso have a romantic subplot, presumably as a means to make the audience more attached to them. The film's attempt to give them a growing platonic friendship is disregarded in favor of romance by The Narrator.
* No members of the Rogue One crew are present in this version other than Cassian Andor and K-2SO; the remainder are completely absent. This includes Bodhi Rook, who (in the film) was responsible for the events of the plot by defecting from the Empire. It is unclear if The Narrator actively wanted these characters removed or if they are simply not mentioned due to being unimportant to the romantic subplot.
* K-2SO has different dialogue, but the changes are barely described. He is described as being more sympathetically funny than the darkly cynical humor he uses in the film.
* The moon Jedha is absent from the story. Instead, it is replaced with the planet Tatooine (presumably so that dewbacks can briefly appear), creating a continuity error. In the films, Tatooine is never involved in the Rebellion, whereas Rogue One, But Better would have Tatooine directly hit by a low-powered shot from the Death Star, causing a total or near-total loss of life on the planet.
* Jyn and Cassian's differing philosophies with regards to the Rebellion, as well as the Rebellion itself, are given more attention and become the theme of the story rather than vague character traits.
* The shot of the surveillance tower on Yavin IV is removed in order to reduce the film's nostalgia level.
* At least one Gungan member of the Rebellion, presumably Jar Jar Binks, is confirmed dead.
* Mon Mothma (dubbed Mothy McMothFace in this version) eventually agrees to steal the Death Star plans, instead of Rogue One being a rogue mission as in the film.
* There is an explicit sex scene.
	+ It's Beach Anal, Christian. Be specific.
* Darth Vader does not attempt to intercept the stolen plans, creating a potential continuity error with *Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope* (unless that scene was also meant to be removed from A New Hope).
* A post-credits scene features undescribed hybrid dinosaurs, presumably TSJWFEW characters.

## Trivia

* This is the second time The Narrator has suddenly died at the end of a short story, the first being Moon La La Light. In that instance, The Narrator was killed due to *The Bye Bye Man*; this time the narrator died after being in a coma due to not enjoying *Rogue One*. In both cases, a film killed The Narrator.