Han-Mi's Plot

"Han-Mi's Plot" is the second track of Miss Helen's Weird West Cabaret.

## Performers

Lauren Osborn as "Miss Helen"

Psyche Chimere as "Han-Mi"

## Lyrics

[HELEN:]

Tales to be told come this week to unfold

On our blind and brooding stage

The good and the bad and the sane and the mad

In their endless blood ballet

The wild, deranged comes to rattle its cage

We must keep it quiet and tamed

A dance and a song let the mind start to calm

With a touch of peril to grip and hold you

On the edge as events unfold so

Tears sometimes start when one bears you their heart

Alone upon the stage

Sometimes the lie tells more truth than you might

Have seen in light of day

Our villain, Han-Mi, needs a scheme for this week

That could bring this town to fall

Here she comes now to confide to us all

Of her newest plan of avarice thereof

Finally this week break the sheriff

Whats the scheme this week that Han-Mi's plotting?

There's a train at 1pm and it's this that she’ll be robbing

The money for the orphanage is what the train has got and

You know she's gonna take it all toda...

[HAN-MI:] (spoken)

No, no, no, no. I'm not doing it. That is stupid.

[HELEN:]

Yes she is 'cause she knows it’s this week’s plot and...

[HAN-MI:]

This week’s plot is dumb, so a-no a she’s-a not-a

[HELEN:]

It’s what the writer wrote

[HAN-MI:]

But the writer is a moron

I came up with a better plot myself

[HELEN:] (spoken)

Seriously?

[HAN-MI:] (spoken)

Come on, just try it. I swear, it’s like a million times better.

[HELEN:] (spoken)

All right.

[HELEN:]

So last week, our dear sheriff had been caught and

He was tied up in Han-Mi's dark bedroom for a spot then

[HAN-MI:] (spoken)

Ooh, I wish... Allright, so he escapes but his shirt is torn right off, so then...

[HELEN:] (spoken)

Why does he have to be running around without a shirt?

[HAN-MI:] (spoken)

Really, Helen?

[HELEN:] (spoken)

Oh my god, you little horn dog!

[HAN-MI:] (spoken)

Just trust me, it's totally integral to the plot. Uh, guys? guys? guys? Can we maybe switch to something softly menacing in F sharp minor? Thank you!

[HAN-MI:]

If I made a plan today

Something strange

Something sinister, a worthy game

I'd take the vaccines they made

For the babies and I'd change them so that when the babies take them

They, they would change to zombie babes

And all who watched would gape and pray and while they're

Poised on the edge of their seats so

I'd watch him be the gorgeous hero

If I made a plan today

Something strange

The best plot of this cabaret

Then I would take those zombie babes

And with arcane techniques then I would make then fly

And crave to eat your face

And on that day the sky would rain

With hungry little zombie babes

Who'd scream and chase and eat your face

And folks will swipe the air with bats and clubs

To chase away the screeching flying bleeding

Face-eating undead babes

Feeding on your heads as people strike them with their bats and crying why

Screaming little bodies swooping from the sky

And everyone would scream and cry and while

The chaos reins unleashed about so

I’d watch him be the perfect hero

[HELEN:] (spoken)

Jesus Christ, Han, what the hell was that?

[HAN-MI:] (spoken)

I know, it's awesome, right? Oh my God, I'm so proud of it. I totally thought it up myself and it's like, the best evil plan ever. That'll keep 'em glued to the seats...

[HELEN:] (spoken)

Okay, okay, just... ladies and gentlemen, Han-Mi and her evil plot. All right folks, next up, the sheriff!