272: Wiggle, Wiggle; Wiggle, Wiggle

## Summary

The party head round all of the off-limits rooms, discovering more chunks of calliope and a series of puzzling brass plaques, which they eventually decipher to reveal a musical code that shuts off the music. Looking for a way to permanently disable the music, they head to the basement and discover Gareth, the concierge, playing away furiously on a calliope that's in one piece. He refuses to let them touch the instrument, which he worships as a god, so eventually they just resort to violence and Batthwack knocks him unconscious.

## Synopsis

The party are just making their way out of the hotel room, when a brass plaque on the inside of the door catches Batthwack's eye. Etched into the metal is an image of a flower and a bee (see "Plaque 1" below). The group have been pondering the significance of this surprising and enigmatic design for a little while when Will starts to get a little worried about them getting discovered, so casts *Disguise Self* to make himself look like a hotel employee, completely with colourful uniform and pointy hat, the latter part of which is his own invention. His plan is that if they're discovered he can always pretend he was just escorting them out.

    They wonder if all the rooms have unusual brass etchings like this one and Sheemie offers to help pick some more locks. Raphina takes a rubbing of the bee etching with a twig and some paper from Will. Will is amazed at the versatility of Raphina's twigs. They want to check out the basement, but there's another off-limits room only a short way down the hall, so they go to look at that first, closing the door they had been looking at.

    Sheemie let's them into the next room and Raphina goes straight to the bathroom, finding another tenth of a calliope (though it's definitely different to the previous piece) sitting in the middle of the room. The plaque on the back of this room's door depicts waves (see "Plaque 2" here). Will quickly notices a connection that both pictures sound like letters, "B" for "bee" and "C" for "sea" and wonders if once they've been round all the rooms, it'll spell out a code to get them into the basement.

They quickly rush around to all the other rooms, not seeing many people on the way. Sheemie seems to be very adept at picking the locks and before long they've visited all the rooms. Each of them has a different brass plaque on the inside of the door (see the gallery below for all the plaques) and tenth of a calliope in the bathroom. Plaque 3 = a bed, 4 = a birdcage, 5 = a flower and a skewed/squashed bee, 6 = an egg in a nest, 7 = a line of eight elephants with arrows indicating the first one, 8 = a sheriff badge, 9 = figures depicting various stages of life, 10 = a flower with no bee. The fifth plaque's image of the squashed bee is the most intriguing and it's not long before a musical connection starts to emerge. If that represents "B flat", the other images could represent musical notes or words that can be spelled with musical notes: for example B, E, D, or B, A, D, G, E. Raphina notices that each chunk of calliope has a portion of keyboard, each consisting of almost one octave, from a C up to the B above.

Still in the last off-limits room, Raphina begins playing all the word/note sequences she can think of, eventually ending with plaque 10 for which she plays all the notes except B. The incessant calliope music gets slightly quieter! Buoyed by this success, Raphina races off to room 9, followed by the rest of the party, and plays A, G, E, and the music gets as little quieter again. In room 8 she plays B, A, D, G, E and the music gets quieter still. She continues round the rooms making the music quieter in each with a different note sequence: room 7 = E, room 6 = E, G, G, room 5 = B flat, room 4 = C, A, G, E, room 3 = B, E, D, room 2 = C, room 1 = B. And with the last one, the music is finally silent. The only sound is Will, Batthwack and Sheemie's heavy breathing as they catch their breath.

Will suggests they destroy the calliope chunks to ensure that someone doesn't just come and turn them on again. Pulling out the keys, pouring mayonnaise in, or using Batthwack's breath weapon are all suggested. Batthwack explains his breath weapon is poison, not acid. Will tries to ram his billy club into the exposed workings at the side where this chunk of calliope has been "sliced", but finds that there is some kind of invisible and impenetrable layer. Nor can he push it over.

It's decided that they should check out the off-limits basement that Gareth the concierge had told them about. Perhaps this is the central nervous system of the calliope music. *"Let's make sure this fucking hotel never plays another damn note on these stupid instruments,"* growls Will. He suggests Sheemie amuse himself in the hotel room, in case it gets dangerous. They begin scouring the ground floor, but there are no other doors leading to the basement. A window into the kitchen from the dining room allows them to see that the only exit from there was the one to the outside.

Raphina hears a faint noise and they trace it to the lobby where distant calliope music can be heard coming from under the floor. The others are busy thinking how to avoid talking to Gareth at the reception desk, when Raphina decides to throw caution to the wind and begins inchworming her way across the room, her *Cloak of Elvenkind* blending in to the carpet and masking her progress. She follows the sound to the desk itself, just as Will realises where she's gone. Thinking of the first person that comes to mind, he changes his appearance into Strahd to peek round the corner, only to find that Gareth isn't actually there.

Round the back of the desk, Raphina finds a square hatch in the floor that's open, the door tilted up, and a ladder leading down to an earthen floor below. This seems to be the source of the calliope music, so she waggles her eyebrows at the others to communicate that she's discovered something of interest. They go over, slightly bemused as to why nobody's in the lobby as Raphina descends the ladder.

Will tells Batthwack to follow Raphina down into the hole while he waits up top for a little while to act like an employee and cover for them. He investigates the cash register on the desk but cannot find any way to open it. He looks under the desk for a lost and found, hoping to find a nice gift for Raphina, but is disappointed to find nothing.

Down the ladder, they discover the basement isn't as large as they'd expected, occupying less space than the hotel itself. Various dry goods, barrels and casks are stored down here. These don't seem to contain any of the Barovian wines they'd encountered during their adventures. The opposite left corner of the room is dominated by a bright red, garish calliope, clearly the same one that they had seen chunks of in the various rooms all round the hotel. A figure dressed in hotel uniform is voraciously playing away on the instrument.

In a whisper, Batthwack suggests to the others that they disguise themselves as calliope repairmen (one a tuner, another a humidity expert and Will as their boss), and Will is more than happy to oblige with a *Seeming* spell. He conjures bright red costumes with gold and red striped pants, short ill-fitting littler blazers and cuffs and an oily rag around their necks, like a steam train driver would wear. Doing his best to change everyone's appearances as much as possible, he makes Batthwack look human and himself like a dragonborn and gives them both very long, quaffed beards. He makes Raphina look like a lizardfolk kid, just like she had done at the lizardfolk lair. He gives himself an official looking badge, and pulls out some paper and pencil before bustling over to the calliope.

Batthwack whispers to Raphina and tells her to pour water on the calliope. She rummages around for her tea cup and waterskin and loudly announces *"We've come to water the calliope!"* The music comes to a discordant halt as the figure turns around to face them. It is Gareth, the concierge, sweat pouring down his face. He looks confused and a little angry and says *"What?! Who are you? What are you doing down here?"* Will adopts his persona of repairman boss and tells Gareth they're here to repair the faulty machine and tries to push him out of the way. Gareth insists that no repairmen have been called. *"No one touches her but me!"* he says angrily. He insists that no-one is allowed down here, saying *"This is OUR space."* He spreads his arms out to block Raphina who approaches with her water, and she flicks a few drops of water onto the music desk, which run down a series of rivulets on it. Gareth is incensed but Will steams ahead telling him that they were here seven months ago and accuses him of not taking care of the calliope. He says that Gareth's boss called them in when the guests started complaining about the lack of music.

Gareth is undeterred. *"No, you need to get out right now. You are not true worshipers!"* He describes the calliope as *"the one true god,"* and Batthwack exchanges a nervous look with Will. Raphina flattens herself on the floor reverently and says *"Oh, I apologise. I hadn't realised it was her. I'm very sorry."* *"Yes, that is the proper way to behave in front of the Curmudgeonly Yet Cute Calliope,"* he replies. *"Allow us to hear some more of its divine wind. Can you play some more please?"* asks Raphina. Gareth replies *"Instruct your heathen fellows there to either behave themselves or abscond from this most sacred of chambers!"* Raphina says *"They are mere repairmen. Worry not."* *"I've repaired many a one true calliopes,"* says Batthwack. Gareth is totally unconvinced by their ruse, saying that no-one knows about the calliope, so it's impossible that anyone sent for repairmen.

Raphina eventually convinces Gareth to start playing again, suggesting that serendipity had brought them here to discover the Curmudgeonly Yet Cute Calliope's music. *"Perhaps if you listen more, then yes, you will see the gas!"* he says. He turns around and sits down once more, flexes his fingers once and immediately begins to play with the same fury that he left off with. Now that his back is turned, Raphina makes eyes at Will and he *Messages* her. She suggests they knock Gareth out to get him out of the way while they investigate the machine. While Will has no problem with that, but he does pause to consider if this calliope could actually be a real god that might deal out retribution for harming one of its devoted acolytes. There's obviously magic involved, and he does get the sense that there is some power to it, but it doesn't appears to be "bad" or "good", and certainly not malevolent.

Batthwack thumps Gareth on the head and he slumps over into the keyboard, sending a discordant drone emanating out. With Gareth out the way, they can now see that the music desk that Raphina had flicked water onto earlier is very unusual in design. Rather than being rectangular, it's circular and large, around 2 and a half feet across, and made of the same bright brass metal that the calliope whistles are made of. The rivulets etched into it give the suggestion of a waterfall.

## Trivia

* The episode title comes from Raphina's subtle camouflaged inchworming across the hotel lobby floor, while wiggling the floorboards to find any loose ones. Abby: *"I am! Because maybe that's how we get down there!"* Eric: *"Through the carpet."* Abby: *"Oh, it's carpet."* Eric: *"Yeah that's what you're blending in with. That's how you got advantage."* KT: *"It's one way wiggle, and then it's different way wiggle... Wiggle wiggle, wiggle wiggle, wiggle wiggle, wiggle wiggle..."* Eric: *"That's my move in bed!"* Abby: *"TMI. We apologise listeners..."*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: impetuous.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured Abby doing a recap to the tune of Janis Joplin's version of *Piece of My Heart*:

*[Intro]*

I said recap, recap, recap, recap....

*[Verse 1]*

Didn't we just see Gwen a walkin and talking a moment ago? (Yeah, yes we did!)

And isn't she now a crystal statue, a pineapple wars hero? (Oh yes she is -- well at least everyone else seems to know that!)

*[Pre-Chorus]*

Sheemie has no idea who Gwen is, and why we seem so pell mell

With a sticky brick in our sticky hands we head back to the hotel

But then we... hear the... incessant... music... Kill it!

*[Chorus]*

Will can't take another minute of the calliope, baby

Oh, oh, kill it!

Can we find a way to kill the calliope Gareth?

Oh, oh, kill it!

Will charms Gareth to find the calliope, baby

You know you'll tell us, because you're under a spell

*[Verse 2]*

Before we went there though, Batthwack went back to Tinkertown (Oh yeah and we went with him too)

Only to find his Ricardo doll had burned *Michael's Mechanisms* down (Bummer)

*[Pre-Chorus]*

It's been a bad day, and we really need to rest
But the honking of this mutant organ must first be addressed

We can't find the... Sooty... Gang un... til we've... Killed it!

*[Chorus]*

Take another little piece of the calliope, baby

In those 10 rooms!

Find another little piece in that room that's off limits, baby

Also the basement!

Should we smash a little piece of the calliope, baby

You know we want to, because man won't it feel good!

## Gallery

Plaque 1Plaque 2Plaque 3Plaque 4Plaque 5Plaque 6Plaque 7Plaque 8Plaque 9Plaque 10
## References

1. ↑ See episode 180: Nobody Could Be Happy In a Cave
2. ↑ As Eric points out, the "music desk" is the place where a musician rests their sheet music. See https://www.piano.christophersmit.com/musicDesk.html
3. ↑ Eric confirms that the golden-coloured brass whistles match the metal that the plaques in the hotel rooms were made of.