22 Short Films On Funnypasta Street

## It All Started With A Question

So it's come to this ay? The 100th funnypasta celebration. Seems like only yesterday doesn't it reader? My name is Buckie O'Buck Neil, though you probably knew that already. Welcome to the big 100th funnypasta special; 22 Short Films On Funnypasta Street. Let me start by saying; that this story all began when I was confronted in my favourite bar: The Pelican Inn by my good friend and occasional business rival Captain Kiddie. Captain Kiddie hasn't been doing very well lately ever since the whole Espresso fiasco with Sir Clooney he's fallen a little bit off the handle. He now spends his time drinking wimp rat juice, and pondering about how to go about rebuilding his amusement park after it was torn down by some baliffs. I tried my best to bring Kiddie on a hunting trip, but he was so stupid that he ended up ripping a duck's head off with his bare hands when he was supposed to just teach it a lesson in harmonic reinforcements. Sipping on my keg of beer, I asked Captain Kiddie, "so what's on your mind sport?" "Well Buckie I've been wondering what happens to the rest of the funnypasta characters when we're not around?" Captain Kiddie inquired. "You know something?" I asked before continuing with, "that's an excellent idea!" Captain Kiddie and I then left the Pelican Inn catching a cab to my mansion in Greendale.

Arriving at my mansion, Captain Kiddie and I made our way inside of my attic revealing it to be filled with security TV's. The TV's showcased footage of all the major players in the Oliver Charles/Bruno Tattagllia funnypasta universe. I had gotten several warnings in the past from the almighty Charles to not do this, but I did give a flying pheasant as I believed using the security cameras to spy on people was a brilliant business venture. Besides, I was planning on soon selling the footage to ITV who would help me with producing a show called, "Funny Isn't So Honey." I pulled two bar stools from my ear as Kiddie and I got ready to watch some footage from our favourite funnypasta characters. "Great wobbling waffles!" Captain Kiddie proclaimed at the very top of his lungs as he blew into his mighty whistle of whistles. I shook my head rather violently as we were given our first glimpse into the life of a funnypasta character.

## You Can't Bank On Colonel Dodo

Colonel Dodo was shown at the Bikini Bottom Mint anxiously waiting in line in order to ask in a cheque for $50,000. He had gotten the money from an insurance claim on the boat which was sank by Spyro The Dragon many moons ago. Even longer now than what it seems. So sad. Eventually, Colonel Dodo was called up to the front desk by the front desk manager; Bill. Though he got paid very well for the job; Bill was an incredibly sod as he never wanted to get a job at the Mint but his overbearing parents forced him to do it. In truth, Bill had always really wanted to become a concert pianist. Colonel Dodo made his way up to the front desk as he proclaimed, "I've got something for you my bucko!" He then proceeded to hand Bill the check, but Bill did not seem to be very impressed as he said, "Mr Dodo pardon my French but this cheque is fast as fuck!" "What are you talking about?" Colonel Dodo asked as Bill got right up in his grill. Yes, for some reason Colonel Dodo brought an entire grill into the bank with him. Hmm how delightfully salmonella! "I'm saying Colonel that this cheque is fake. I mean it's literally just an old McDonalds receipt from 1973 for crying out loud!" Bill remarked as showcased the cheque which was indeed an old McDonalds receipt from 1974.

Outraged, Colonel Dodo leapt onto the desk and began dancing his heart out. "You get down from there this instant!" Bill yelled angrily, but Colonel Dodo refused to come down until Bill paid him the required $50,000. Desperate to get rid of Dodo, Bill ordered the bank's security guards Flo and To to dispose of Dodo, but Dodo had already incapacitated them by having them tied up by his loyal first mate Raison Man. Having no other options left, Bill made an urgent distress call to the Bikini Bottom Police Department. Sadly as a result of a newly opened chum factory in Shell Street, the Department was forced to send in reinforcements from their subsidiary; the City of London Police Department in their place. Sam and Max were of course the ones to take the call as they had been waiting in vain to receive a job as there hadn't been much work for them since the fall of Snowden. Arriving at the Bikini Bottom Mint, Sam asked for Max to get some supplies from the trunk. Max pulled out two large double barrel shotguns from the trunk which made Sam remark, "hmm that maybe going a tad bit overkill little buddy." Max went inside the trunk again and pulled out a large brown bag which made Sam say; "now we're talking!" Sam and Max headed inside the Bikini Bottom Mint, and they used the element of surprise in order to successfully tackle Colonel Dodo and place him into the brown bag. Raison Man was much more compliant than his boss, and allowed for himself to be arrested by Sam and Max. Dodo and Raison now both inside the bag were placed into Sam and Max's car as the pair began to cruise towards the police station. Bill ran outside of the Mint to proclaim, "bless you Sam and Max with you protecting our streets; the Bikini Bottom Mint is safe once again!"

## I Know Why The Caged Dodo Sings

Colonel Dodo and Raison Man were placed into a large damp and smelly cell as Sam and Max debated on what to do with the pair. "I say we decide over some doughnuts." Max suggested to which Sam responded with, "quit reading my mind little buddy." And so with Sam and Max making their leave, Colonel Dodo and Raison Man tried to make the most of their new surroundings. Their jail cell though very smelly and damp was actually quite spacious. This was due to the fact that Dodo and Raison had about 10 other cellmates in the cell with them. They were all incredibly sinister looking Triad enforcers who looked like they wanted to eat Raison Man for dinner and force Colonel Dodo to clean all of the dishes in Hyrule. Colonel Dodo tried his best to ignore the enforcers, but he kept getting pestered by one of them obviously the ringleader who goes by the name of Conroy Wu. Colonel Dodo gulped at the sheer size of Conroy. Conroy Wu was a high-ranking Red Dragon Triad enforcer who had recently gotten arrested due to Colonel Dodo stealing his heroin and ratting on Conroy to the narcotics department. Though, Conroy knew his Triad connections would should surly bail him out in no time, he was still very angry with Colonel Dodo for landing him in the big house. And so, Conroy ended up challenging Colonel Dodo to a fight. "Let's see what you're made of!" Conroy yelled which made his BFF Duke who was sitting on a bench say, "oh leave the Colonel alone Conroy!" "I don't like this cocky little fucker!" Conroy yelled angrily whilst pointing at Colonel Dodo who was pulling quite possibly the smuggest voice you will ever see.

In order to avoid getting beaten up and possibly killed by Conroy, Colonel Dodo lit himself a pipe which he had smuggled into the jail somehow as he asked, "how about a singing competition instead my boy?" "A singing competition?" Conroy asked bewildered to which Colonel Dodo responded with, "what are you bloody deaf!? I said..." Dodo's rude remark caused Conroy to grab him by the neck and pin him up against the bricked wall. "Who the fuck do you think you are!?" Conroy yelled as he got ready to bash Dodo's brains in with his iron fist. Yes his first was made from iron due to the rise in stocks. Not wanting his boss to die, Raison Man got up on the bench and began singing a classic 1980's style rock ballad. Yes; as it turns out Raison Man has a very angelic singing voice. Prior to joining Colonel Dodo and his salty crew, Raison Man planned on becoming a famous opera singer having attended an audience in Italy with an incredibly cynical opera singer. Sadly, the opera singer is incredibly cynical as he refused to listen to Raison Man once he learned from his PA that Raison Man was... well a raison. Duh! Disgraced, Raison Man returned home to London where he fell in with Colonel Dodo and the rest is history. Conroy was so amazed by Raison Man's singing that he and Duke got up on the bench and singing their hearts out. This amazed Duke quite a bit as he never knew that Conroy could sing. Colonel Dodo eventually joined them, and it didn't take long before every bloody prisoner was on that bench singing their hearts out. Sam and Max were busy watching this entire scene take place on the CTV footage from the comfort of their own office. Sam sipped on a mug of coffee as he said, "these guys should try for the X Factor!" "True that Sam true that." Max added.

In fact, Sam and Max were so amazed by Colonel Dodo and Raison Man's singing that they decided to let them go free. "Thank you so much!" Raison Man proclaimed happily while shaking Sam's hand. Good ole Raison Man appeared to not know his own strength as his shaking of Sam's hand caused Sam's bloody hat to fall off from his head. Sam decided to let the matter go as he didn't want to run the risk of being put on Colonel Dodo's rather large and extensive death list. "See you on the rebound slick!" Colonel Dodo proclaimed happily as he and Raison Man made their way out of the police station only for them to get pulled aside by Conroy who said to Dodo, "hey man look I don't do this often but uh... I'm sorry I was wrong about you. You showed your true colours tonight brother." At long last, Colonel Dodo and Conroy Wu had finally reached some common ground. Colonel Dodo, Raison Man, Conroy Wu, and Duke all held each other's hands as they began singing to their hearts content and skipped all the way towards the sunset. It was really something to see! Meanwhile, Sam and Max were called into the office by Boris Johnson who had a very special job that only Sam and Max would be able to pull off effectively. Sam and Max begrudgingly complied with Boris Johnson's demands as they made their way towards their office located on the very top floor of the police station.

## Cowabunga Sam and Max!

Upon entering their office, Sam and Max were dismayed to learn that Boris Johnson was sitting at their desk eating a tub of ice cream. Boris coughed six times into his sleeve before wiping it on his brow as he said, "I've got a job for you two. Now please make sure to pay close attention as this is a very serious task." "We're listening Prime Minister." Sam said as Boris Johnson got up from his chair and made his way over to the far side of the office drinking from a mug of steaming hot Tetley Tea. "You two remember the Toy Mafia?" Boris inquired to which Max responded with, "sure they're the punks we iced those fools back in 2006 or thereabouts." "Well lucky for you two; they're back under new management." Boris Johnson explained as he then continued with, "the Commission has given the Toy Mafia permission to begin operating in Oakton City. They've even got a special permit from Leo Galente himself should a mole for the Commission enter their organization unannounced." "Okay, so what has this got to do with us exactly?" Sam inquired. "Sam and Max; I need you two to infiltrate the Toy Mafia, and destroy the Mafia warlords as a personal favour to me Boris Johnson!" Boris Johnson proclaimed happily. "Sorry Mr Johnson; Max and I have got bigger and better things to do right Max?" Sam asked Max whose response was cut off by Boris Johnson who yelled, "no you listen you silly goose I'm not asking you I'm telling you do this!" "Well what happens if we succeed?" Max inquired.

Boris Johnson proceeded to pull a very sly expression. The kind of sly expression that makes wallets fall out of pockets in Sunset Balthazar. "Trust me when I say; if you two actually manage to pull this off. I won't forget it. Now get going." Boris Johnson explained. "And what are you going to do?" Max asked. "Well I've got some very important Prime Minister related business to take care of which you couldn't possibly understand in a million years." Boris Johnson answered as he began climbing inside of Sam and Max's fridge closing the door behind him. Two seconds later, Boris opened up the fridge door and threw a pot of cottage cheese at Max as he yelled, "this cottage cheese is wrong throw it out!" "Come on Max let's go see Bosco see if he's got any leads." And with that, Sam and Max made their way out of the police station into their car as they began to drive towards the local Asda which was now under Bosco's control. He had bought the store after winning a huge cash prize on this really horrid ITV game show. The show is called, "Dance The Lance," and in order to win said show; you need to perform the cringest dance of all. Bosco was able to win the show by pretending to wash the windows of a 1950's Cadillac, and this results in him getting the huge cash prize of £500,000,000,000,000. Sadly, most of the prize money ended up getting stolen by these really annoying pigeons, and as a result Bosco was forced to cancel his dreams of moving to Hawaii. Using the leftover money which the pigeons hadn't managed to steal with their bastard beaks, Bosco was able to buy an old run down Asda shop in Bristol.

Heading inside the Asda, Sam and Max reached the front desk only for the cashier to reveal that Mr Bosco was in the backroom playing Shrek 2 on Xbox. Great choice in gaming there Bosco! Entering the backroom, Sam and Max couldn't believe what they saw! Somehow, Bosco had and I'm not even joking here turned into a fucking cow. "You got to help me Sam and Max!" Bosco cried in despair. "Bosco what on Earth happened to you?" Sam asked as Bosco began to explain his story. "I was on a podcast with my uncle Walton, and we were on the topic of cereal mascots. I said that Cookie Crisps are a lot better now that they're not being marketed by that old bastard wizard Jarvis." Bosco then cleared his cow throat as he then continued with, "little did I know; that Jarvis is actually an avid fan of our podcasts. My words had insulted the old great wizard, and so he decided to pay me a visit at my house at four o'clock in the morning. He used his magic powers to turn me into the animal I'm most like." "I have to say; you are a very delicious looking cow." Max remarked as he made a knife and fork appear magically. Sam then asked about the Toy Mafia, but Bosco always a very cunning man decided to manipulate the pair to turn him back into a human. "Okay and how do we do that exactly?" Sam questioned. "Simple." Bosco said as he let out a massive fart which ended up knocking Max out for a brief moment. He then proceeded to spit out six multi coloured gemstones from his mouth as he said; "give these gemstones to Jarvis, and he'll forget all about my insult. He'll change me back into a human in no time that way!"

Sam forced Max to accompany him to Jarvis' hangout over on Easter Basin. Max had not actually wanted to accompany Sam for this assignment as he was quite happy watching Bosco play Shrek 2 on Xbox. Upon getting into the car, Max asked, "so are we really going to do this for Bosco Sam?" "Afraid so Max. I mean what other options do we have?" Sam asked rhetorically as he and Max began speeding towards Jarvis' hangout. On their travels, the pair ended up driving past the pleasant residential suburb of Hartley Dale where one man was trying his best to make dinner for his stuck up wife and her book club.

## Guess Who's Coming To Screw Up Dinner?

Joseph Green was very angry over the fact that his wife Silva kept inviting her book club over to his house when he was trying to manage his stocks. The pandemic had brought a great deal of pressure onto Green and his company which monitors the sugar standards in exported confectionary. He now also needed to check for Covid19 in all of his exported confectionary. Upon learning that his dear wasp obsessed wife was planning on having her book club around for the evening, Joseph Green planned on sneaking out of the house in order to go on a fishing trip in Lake Talisman. Sadly, Silva was not as stupid as her hairstyle as she had caught wind of Joseph's little scheme almost immediately. Silva gave her husband Joseph two options; make dinner for her book club or be forced to entertain her and her friends by dressing up in a horrifying wasp costume. Yes; Silva was obsessed with wasps and although she worked as an accountant she also had a part-time job of wasp keeping. She keeps about 257 hives all in her backyard. This angered Joseph greatly as he was a serious spheksophobe, but he was forced to indulge his wife's weird habits which were of course encouraged by her boss and totally not her lover Charles. Fucking Charles.

Inside the kitchen of the Green household, Joseph Green set to work on preparing dinner for his wife and her stuck up book club. "Hmm now lets see here." Joseph said as he began reading a cooking book upside down I might add. Don't judge old Joseph Green as he ain't the sharpest tool in the tool box ya know? Joseph decided that he would cook some delicious tomato soup for his darling wife's book club, but he ended up making a real pig's ear of it. Seriously, Green ended up setting the saucepan onto the highest setting which caused the entire bloody stove to catch on fire. Green threw a huge tub of water at the saucepan which caused the entire kitchen to run ablaze. Green grab two huge boxes of sugar, and began making his way out of the backdoor only to walk straight into the wall because he couldn't see over the top of the two boxes. Green fell to the floor in pain as he farted violently, and the boxes of sugar broke in half and the entire room was filled in a mess of sugar and flames. Not only that, but the sheer impact of Green's fall caused six bags of flour which were sitting on top of the cupboards to also fall onto the floor. And to make matters even more fucking worse, the cupboard then fell on top of Joseph Green as Silvia came into the room holding a large green bowl full of Dorito's. "Hey Joseph would you like some... oh sugar honey ice tea!" Silvio cried at the very top of her lungs as Charles came in holding a fire extinguisher. Using said fire extinguisher, Charles was able to repel all of the flames back to where they belong. With the fire dealt with, Charles and Silvia spent the next half hour cleaning up all the flour and sugar which Joseph had gotten all over the expensive new throw rug. Charles had gotten Silvia that rug for Christmas because they were really close friends and totally not undercover lovers up against the Sun. If you catch my drift? Ooh yeah catch it like a cold!

As punishment for his actions, Joseph Green was forced to dress up in the horrifying wasp costume. Furthermore, Joseph was also forced to serve drinks to Silva and her book club as well as Charles who was busy chilling on a sun lounger reading from the Lost Heaven Inquirer. Joseph ended up getting the last laugh however as he threw a large tennis ball right at Charles' forehead which caused him to start giving chase to Joseph. Sadly, Charles failed to realise that running next to a swimming pool probably isn't a very good idea as he ended up tripping on a puddle. That wasn't the worst part however. Nope. The worst part was that Charles ended up causing some water to hit one of the 257 wasp hives. The wasps were so triggered by Charles' accident that all 257 hives tried their best to take it out on the poor bastard. Fearing for his life, Charles ran down the road towards his Roll Royce, and only just managed to get into the car as the entire thing got covered in wasps. Charles sped down the busy streets of Hartley Dale only to then end up driving straight into an old oak tree. Joseph Green who was watching this from afar via a pair of binoculars smiled to himself as he said rather happily, "you did good Joseph Green you did good."

## We'll Always Have The Windows

A few blocks down the road from Joseph's place; The Shadow Reader was hard at work narrating some creepypasta's when he needed some refreshment. He headed inside his fridge only to realise that his entire supply had been eaten by his bastard of a tenant Patrick Star. "Gosh darn it!" Shadow yelled angrily as he was forced to get some supplies from his local Tesco. Not wanting to run the risk of Patrick destroying his house, Shadow forced Space Voyager to keep an eye on him. "Can do Shads Pads!" Space Voyager proclaimed happily as Shadow said in a cold dark voice, "you better had Space cause if you fuck this up I'll bury the two of ya! Now bye bye!" It's worth noting that Shadow said that last part in the happiest voice you ever did hear. Unfortunately, Space Voyager was very tired due to the amount of creepypastas's he had been narrating lately so he opted to take a quick kip on Shadow's sofa. Careful Space Voyager you're not driving the Flying Kipper now! With The Shadow Reader out of the house and Space Voyager sleeping peacefully, Patrick began running amuck. He toilet papered Shadow's house, took a massive dump in Shadow's inside swimming pool, and posted a really smeg video on Shadow's channel which had him making a really disgusting looking Krabby Patty. I mean seriously; the fucking thing was so bad the cheese was melting so much it touched the floor and there was glow worms coming out from the sesame seeds. Most damningly, Patrick ended up accidentally throwing one of Shadow's shoes at his backyard window which caused the thing to smash into a million tiny bite size pieces.

The sound of the window breaking was enough to wake Space Voyager up from his slumber as he ran outside the house, and he was horrified to see what Patrick had done. "Oh fucking.... what am I going to do?" Space Voyager asked himself as a light bulb then appeared above his head. Always an excellent negotiator, Space Voyager was able to trick Patrick into buying a new window from Argos. "Oh yeah and why should I do that?" Patrick asked to which Space Voyager replied with, "if you do it; I'll sing Brick By Brick." "You wouldn't." Patrick said as Space began singing, "Brick by brick; tock by tick now matter now tall no matter how thin. You can build a house if you do it brick by brick." Patrick pushed Space Voyager onto the grass as he began running down the streets like a mad man or a mad starfish I should say. Patrick even ran past Bosco's Asda which he stole a shopping cart from. "Fucking Patrick Star!" The cashier yelled as he attempted to shoot Patrick with a shotgun, but Patrick was far too fast on that shopping cart of his as he eventually reached Argos.

Back at Shadow Reader Castle, Space Voyager was playing some Shrek 2 on Xbox in the living room when he heard Shadow's car pulling up on the pavement. Shadow got out from the car and looked very tired. He stuck a vape up into his nose as smoke came out from his ears. "Ah that's better!" Shadow said happily as he made his way inside the house, but Space Voyager was ready for him. Inside the living room, Shadow was shocked to see that Space Voyager had laid out 69 different types of tea. "What the hell is this?" Shadow asked as he stuck the vape up his nose again as smoke came out from his eyes and ears. "Well Shadow; I just got my hands on some premium tea flavours, and I wanted you to try them with me." Space Voyager explained. Shadow accepted the offer and began swigging down cups of hot sweet tea. Space Voyager held his cup tightly in his hands. He was amazed at how quickly Shadow drank the bloody things down. He was like an animal as not even a minute had gone by before all 69 cups of tea were empty. Shadow let out a massive belch as he asked, "so was Patrick well behaved Space?" "As good as gold and better." Space admitted to which Shadow proclaimed, "excellent news! I've got a present for the little spud. Speaking of which; where the heck is he?" Shadow attempted to head into the kitchen, but he got pulled into an Italian Tarantella with Space Voyager. Having never been a great dancer, Shadow pushed Space off from him as he asked in a bemused tone, "what are you a dancing judge?"

Meanwhile, Patrick entered the house through the backdoor, and began working on setting up the new window. Sadly, Patrick was very dumb ya see so he ended up dropping the window on the floor causing it to also break into a million tiny bite size pieces. Thinking quickly, Patrick ran into Shadow's work shed which he sat in to narrate stories and pulled two large buckets of super glue. Returning to the kitchen who overlooked the backyard, Patrick set to work on sticking all of the glass shards together. He was making a real fucking mess as Space Voyager then entered the room with a horrified expression. Luckily for Space, all the tea had gone right through Shadow and he needed to take a quick bathroom break. Space assisted Patrick with sticking the shards of glass together as the two placed the newly rebuilt window in place. Oh, and as for the remaining shards from the first window, they simply dumped that in a trash can. Don't tell Richard Bagg! After using the bathroom, Shadow headed into his backyard carrying a huge plate of Sour Patch Kids however upon noticing Space Voyager and Patrick, he hid the sour candies behind his back as he asked in the careless whisper of a good friend, "what are you two still doing here?" "Space told me you had a present for me Shadow!" Patrick laughed a wicked onion cat laugh as Shadow sighed heavily before saying, "yes that's correct. Patrick; I know I've been a bit of a dick to you these past four something years, but here's my way of saying I appreciate you." Shadow reached inside his ass, and pulled out a platinum version of Shrek 2 on Xbox. Patrick couldn't believe his eyes nor could Space Voyager!

After grabbing the game from Shadow, Patrick began dancing like a mad star. Sadly, Patrick ended up getting a little too into his dancing routine as he ended up throwing the game right at the recently restored window causing it to smash once again. Turning around to see his newly rebroken window, Shadow yelled, "PATRICK!" "Oh dear." Patrick said as he and Space Voyager got into the shopping cart from earlier, and they started racing down the streets to the local Argos in order to buy Shadow yet another window. Shadow looked on in amazement as he remarked, "I was just gonna say that accidents happen. I mean I've been planning on getting a brand window anyway." Shadow then let out a big ole fart as he made his way inside his work shed in order to narrate some more delicious creepypasta's.

## Big Trouble In Little Tesco

Over at Tesco's, Moro was thinking long and hard on how to go about dealing with the recent influx of teenage hoods who were robbing from him. It took some time, but Moro eventually decided on creating a series of traps in order to scare the teenage hoods from robbing Tesco ever again. The hoods were led by a hardened criminal and big prick Blonde Gavin. Blonde Gavin was among the new generation of criminals, and he was known to run with a bunch of stick up merchants who got their starts selling weed in Empire Bay for $50 a pop. Moro hated Blonde Gavin as he was responsible for leading the raids on Tesco. Gavin did this because he had a serious thing for gummy worms, and he loved shoving them into his big ears which were so big you should see from space without even needing a telescope. And so, Moro spent an entire day preparing some traps for Gavin and his gang to hopefully fall victim to. Moro had to be extremely careful when applying said traps in order to avoid his boss Mr Parks giving him a huge fine. It certainly took a very long time, but Moro eventually managed to get all the traps in place as night time eventually came to fall, and Tesco closed for the night. Mr Parks and Moro bid themselves a goodbye as Moro went to work on mopping the floors in the bathroom.

Not long after Mr Parks departed from the scene, Blonde Gavin and his crew arrived at the store. "These bastards ain't gonna know what..." Gavin was cut short as he ended up tripping on a conveniently placed wire. In doing so, Gavin ended up causing a huge vat of grated cheese to fall on top of him. At that moment, Moro came out from the bathroom still holding his mop in his hands as he joked, "what goes around comes around!" Sadly, Moro's joy was cut short as it was Blonde Gavin who ended up getting the last laugh as Moro accidentally tripped on another wire which caused two mechanical arms to appear from the ceiling. The arms were carrying two huge bottles of pepper spray, and they sprayed the peppery contents into Moro's eyes. Moro ran down the aisles and grabbed a bottle of water only to learn that it was actually vinegar. He had no time to register that however as he ended up throwing the contents into his eyes. Moro ran around the aisles screaming in pain whilst Gavin and his gang helped themselves to the sweets and other goodies that Moro was now unable to protect. Moro went inside the bathroom, and attempted to turn on the taps only for huge bumblebees to fly out from them. Having always had a great fear of bumblebees and all bees in general, Moro went back to running around the store in a mad panic knocking over pretty much every aisle in sight. Moro eventually fell to the floor in a pool of honey and pasta while Blonde Gavin and his gang disappeared through the front door.

The following morning at dawn, Mr Parks arrived at Tesco with his pet Dobermans and was horrified to learn what Moro had done to the place. However, Mr Parks soon changed his tone as Moro was able to trick Parks into thinking that the destruction of Tesco was the work of robot overlords. Mr Parks' fear of robot overlords is what helps keeps Tesco in check, and because of this he gave Moro a huge glass of icy black wine before arranging for him to be taken to the hospital. After Blonde Gavin and his gang had left the scene, Moro ended up triggering more and more traps including a tennis ball machine which had been rigged so that all of the tennis balls had spikes attached to them, and so on and so forth. Moro was taken to Royal Hope Hospital where he was operated on by fellow Muppet Ralph The Dog. "Why did I even agree to be in this pasta?" Moro asked himself as Ralph began sticking scissors into Moro's back. Ralph was a real bastard of a dog as he kept making jokes at Moro's expense. "You're a real crack up!" Ralph joked as he shoved gram crackers into Moro's mouth causing him to groan in pain. Thankfully, Moro's hospital visit wasn't very long and once Ralph got done performing his little comedy routine, he had Moro escorted through to the waiting room by the nurses. Sitting down in an old red lounge chair, Moro said to himself, "I could really do with a steak and kidney pie!"

## Arachnids Are Forever

Moro was not the only person to be at the Royal Hope Hospital that fine morning as Harris was also there in an old office chatting with his therapist Doctor Carrot. Doctor Carrot was trying his darn best to help Harris come to terms with his arachnophobia. Harris said, "ever since that thing with Protegent Man; my fear has been getting worse and worse Doc." Doctor Carrot meanwhile puffed on a pipe as he said, "hmm as your doctor I recommend not to eat shredded wheat." Harris had no idea what the fuck that meant, and demanded that Doctor Carrot to speak comfort to him. "I have none to give." Doctor Carrot remarked in a rather threatening tone though his face made it look like he had just let out the biggest fart that has ever been let out in the history of carrot kind. "The best thing for you Harris would be exposure therapy." Doctor Carrot said as he got up from his chair, and made his way over to a small cabinet on the far side of the office. He reached inside the cabinet, and pulled out two large silver briefcases. He placed the briefcases onto the table in front of Harris, and opened them up. Harris nearly vomited when he saw that the two suitcases were filled to the brim with spiders. Big ones too mind you. The sight of those spiders reminded Harris of where his arachnophobia all began.

Now, Harris had always had a fear of spiders ever since well I don't even know when it started. Actually, that's a lie I do. It all started in 2011, when Harris and his fiancée Talbot were in France searching for an amulet or something along those margins. Anyhow, Harris and Talbot eventually reached an underground bunker where they confronted two treasure hunters Nathan Drake and Victor Sullivan for their half of the amulet. "Harris, please relieve Mr Drake of the artefact." Talbot commanded as Harris did as he was told. On his way back to Talbot however, Harris could hear something crawling through the walls around him. "What is that?" Harris questioned as large spiders appeared on the scene. They were the exact same species of spiders that Doctor Carrot showed him in those two silver briefcases which is why Harris was just reminded of this terrifying memory. The spiders ended up swarming around Harris as he cried and begged for Talbot to help him. "Get them off get them off me!" Harris pleaded, but Talbot was unconcerned and ordered another friend and undercover lover Jimmy Seal to remove the amulet from Harris' hand before it too was consumed by the spiders. Harris was assumed by Talbot to have killed in the spider ordeal, but he didn't. Harris and Talbot have actually ran into each other a couple times, and every single time Harris is attacked by some kind of creature be it a spider or a mouse, and each time Talbot refuses to save him. I guess the wedding's off then right Harris?

Harris took a good long look at the spiders as he wondered if today could be the day that he finally defeated his arachnophobia for good. Harris for once in his miserable life gave a genuine smile as he said, "I'm cured! I'm finally not scared of spiders anymore! I'm..." Much like in France, Harris' joy was eventually cut short as the spiders all leapt out from the suitcases and began swarming around him. Thinking quickly, Doctor Carrot grabbed an old walking stick and began beating the snot out of the spiders, and he managed to kill a few of the little buggers until they eventually decided to start attacking himself as well as Harris. Before you knew it; the spiders made their way through the cracks in the office door, and began attacking the other patients and staff of the hospital. The situation escalated so bad that the head of the hospital; Mr B Stoker made an urgent distress call to General R. Asquith, but he got no answer. Stoker put it out of his mind. General Asquith would come to the hospital as soon as he heard the news. But the nagging worry where was General Asquith?

Unable to hold out for General Asquith's arrival, Mr Stoker opted to instead kill all of the spiders himself. He got up on the front desk of the hospital, and began beating the spiders to death with his sandshoes. Mr Stoker was an incredibly powerful man despite being 55 years old; and he was able to kill at least 50 of the spiders but even he stood no match against the sheer numbers of arachnids that kept showing up. This was until Harris and Doctor Carrot also climbed on top of the desk in order to help Stoker with his battle against the spiders. "Suck on this!" Harris proclaimed as he began gunning the spiders down with his handy dandy AK47 which the hospital had allowed him to have on him for some reason. Doctor Carrot meanwhile busied himself by clubbing the spiders to death with his walking stick. Eventually, the trio were able to kill all of the spiders as Mr Stoker turned to face Doctor Carrot and said, "the next time you get the idea to bring dangerous animals into the hospital; please at least attempt to consult me before doing so." Mr Stoker then made his way out of the hospital in order to inform the cops who just arrived the situation. Meanwhile, Harris departed from Doctor Carrot who advised him to always count his friends. Harris had no idea what the fuck that even meant, but he still made sure to remember Carrot's advice. On his way home, Harris finally felt like he had truly defeated his arachnophobia once and for all. This was of course until Harris saw a huge tarantula sitting on top of an old abandoned SUV. The tarantula smiled at Harris as it said, "well howdy do!" Harris then proceeded to run down the streets screaming like a mad man. Poor old Harris!

## The Mafia Never Forgets

Sam and Max had also been at Royal Hope Hospital, and had been there in order to see Jarvis who was in the hospital getting treated for kidney stones. Should of added some water to that Cookie Crisp cereal of yours Jarvis! Stupid wizard bastard. In any case, Sam and Max were brought to see Jarvis and they gave him the gemstones. "HOCUS POCUS!" Jarvis yelled in a voice so loud that it made Sam and Max fly out of the hospital window, and fly all the way back to Asda where they were relived to find out that Bosco had indeed returned back to his normal terrible old self. After thanking the pair profusely for their help, Bosco went on to explain to Sam and Max that in order to infiltrate The Toy Mafia they'll need supplies. And by that, Bosco meant they needed a password in order to access the backroom of Al's Toy Barn which is where the Toy Mafia had made the base of their operations. Max then asked, "so what is the password?" "It's; boy that ice cream sure looks good." Bosco explained. According to Bosco, the new head of the Mafia; Richard Racoon had made that the password due to his love of ice cream and detective novels of the Spanish variety. That's just really beautiful in my humble bumble opinion. Sam and Max then proceeded to leave Asda and made their way towards Al's Toy Barn.

Arriving at Al's Toy Barn, Sam and Max took bloody ages to find the backroom as they were busy dicking around by playing with two toy robots who according to the back of their box were the best of friends until one of them turned out to be working for the Atlanta Corporation. They'll do anything for prime real estate they will! Of course, the pair were eventually able to come across the backroom with Max knocking on the door so hard that he ended up causing shards of wood to get all over the bloody place. You're just lucky you didn't get a splinter there Max! The door to the backroom then opened up, and it was none other than Mr Racoon himself. Sam and Max said the password, "boy that ice cream sure looks good," and the pair were allowed entry. Leo Galente also happened to be in the room, but he was in the middle of leaving having just concluded a rather boring business meeting with Richard Racoon and his lieutenants. Leo walked past Sam and Max and glared at them as he did so. I should also probably mention that while walking past the pair, Galente was farting violently which caused Max to hold his nose in disgust as he cried, "oh good grief that's a rather smelly smell!"

Now, Richard Raccoon was not very fore coming to the pair joining the Toy Mafia as he said, "listen I'm not stupid. I know who you two are. I know you destroyed the first branch of the Toy Mafia several years ago. The way I see it; is that we got to work together and things will be a whole lot easier." "How do you purpose we do that?" Sam inquired. Richard cleared his throat as he then said, "we're gonna divide up Cuba, and get richer than we ever would in the States. I just got one tiny little job for you two to do before we can go out and celebrate." Richard Racoon wanted Sam and Max to destroy a freighter which was carrying a huge shipment of Mr Potato Head toys for the Faustin Mafiya to sell on the black market. Sam and Max agreed to the job as Raccoon said, "8-Ball can supply you with what you're gonna need." And so, the pair went to pay 8-Ball a visit at his headquarters in Broker. Much like Raccoon, 8-Ball was not very fore coming as he demanded to be paid £100,000 before he could even think of helping the pair out on their mission to destroy the freighter. Feeling very greedy, Max refused to pay 8-Ball the money as he and Sam were very skint at that moment. With 8-Ball refusing to help the pair until they pay the toll so to speak, the pair went about handling the job themselves.

Getting to a vantage point, Max acted as a sniper while Sam made his way onto the freighter. It took some time of course, but Max was able to kill all the Faustin Mafiya enforcers who were protecting the Mr Potato Head's. Sam retrieved the Head's from an old worn out shoe box, and he began making his way down the steps of the ship when he was confronted by a rather fat guy in a flamingo costume. The man introduced himself as Lance Flamingo, and he claimed to be one of Raccoon's lieutenants. Mr Flamingo had witnessed the pair's conversation with 8-Ball which included their refusal to hand over their money to him. "Well; Mr Flamingo it's just that you see... me and Max are kind skint at the moment so maybe..." Sam was cut off as Flamingo pulled out a fricking grenade launcher and said in an incredibly tone of voice, "I hope that you and your friend have got a clean conscious cause you're about to meet God." Thinking quickly, Sam ducked out of the way just as Flamingo shot a grenade from the grenade launcher which ended up hitting the engine of the freighter causing the entire thing to blow up into a million tiny bite size pieces. Flamingo ended up being killed in the explosion while Sam and Max made their way back to Al's Toy Barn.

Returning back to Al's Toy Barn, Richard Raccoon asked if the pair knew about where Lance Flamingo had gone off to. "Nope no idea." Max admitted. Apparently satisfied with the pair's answers, Raccoon declared that Sam and Max were now official Made Men in the Toy Mafia, and their first assignment was to purchase some bootleg Disney toys from one of Raccoon's partners in the black market. "If all goes well; I'll have something nice for the two of you." Richard Raccoon said as Sam responded with, "you can count on us Boss!" Although, Sam had to admit it he found it rather odd that after saying that Mr Raccoon flinched for just the fraction of a second. It was a kind of blink and you'll miss kind of moment. Sam decided to think nothing of it as he and Max made their way down to Vernon Avenue in order to take part in the deal with Raccoon's partner in the black market. On the car ride over to Vernon Avenue, Max asked, "how long are we gonna kept doing errands for these guys Sam? Why can't we just whack the bastards." "Believe me when I say I'd love to little buddy, but we got to just sit tight for the time being so we can get some real dirt on these fellas and any nefarious schemes they may have up their sleeves." Little did Sam know however was that he and Max were actually the ones being played with, and it was about time that the pair learned a lesson in trickery. For this is sure to be going down in history!

## Steamed Asquith's

General W.R Monger stood outside of General R. Asquith's house in Kensington waiting to be let in. He had already rung the damn doorbell 69 times, but he still wasn't getting any answers. Just as he was about to turn around and leave, General Asquith FINALLY came to the door and greeted W.R Monger with, "ah Warren R. Monger glad you could make it! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable military styled luncheon!" "Hmm." W.R Monger scoffed as he made his way inside the house, and sat down at the living room table. General Asquith meanwhile made his way inside the kitchen, and was horrified to learn that his Jell-O bricks had gone mouldy like the cheese. "Oh good grief!" Asquith cried as he then continued with, "my Jell-0 bricks are ruined." General Asquith had been planning to serve those Jell-O bricks to W.R Monger for the last six months, but they just had to go mouldy now didn't they? Poor Jell-O bricks. They had a grape in the centre for crying out loud! Thinking quickly, General Asquith looked through his kitchen window and saw a conveniently placed Jack In The Box which was located just across the street from his house. "But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?" General Asquith wondered as he then gave a small evil chuckle as he then proclaimed, "ha ha delightfully devilish Asquith!"

General Asquith took his small cooking apron off, and opened up the kitchen window and got ready to climb out from it. That's when W.R Monger entered the kitchen with a grim expression on his face as he yelled, "ASQUITH!" Thankfully, Asquith was able to justify his sitting on the windowsill by claiming he was about to take a big ole shit. Seemingly satisfied with Asquith's answer. W.R Monger left the kitchen without the need of saying another word. General Asquith leapt out of the window, and he made his way across the street over to Jack In The Box. As if by magic, General Asquith came into the living room two seconds later carrying a huge tray of burgers and fries. "So what are we having to eat Asquith?" W.R Monger inquired as Asquith placed the tray down onto the table. "Steamed Asquith's; that's what I call hamburgers!" General Asquith proclaimed. W.R Monger meanwhile looked perplexed as he asked, "you seriously call them Steamed Asquith's?" "YES!" Asquith proclaimed happily. Perhaps a tad bit too out of character for someone of his description I must say. "May I ask why?" W.R Monger asked to which General Asquith responded with, "oh it's an old nickname coin phrased from my family." Once again, W.R Monger was still perplexed as he said, "really? Well I went to high school in Michigan with your uncle George, and he never once called hamburgers Steamed Asquith's." "Oh not George no he's from my Mother's side of the family. The phrase came from my father's side of the Asquith family." General Asquith explained. "I see." W.R Monger added as he and General Asquith began tucking into their burgers.

While eating, W.R Monger took the bun off from one of his burgers and took a quick glance at the patty. He couldn't believe what he saw! General Asquith had gone through the effort of personalising the burger patty so that it was an exact replica of his face. "What the... did you... I just what?" Poor ole W.R Monger couldn't even utter a proper sentence as a foul stench then entered the room. General Asquith got up from his seat having excused himself from the table. He made his way back inside the kitchen, and was horrified to learn that the Jell-O bricks were stinking out his entire kitchen. He tried to throw the things into the bin, but it was overflowing and the binmen wouldn't be coming to his house until Sunday. Horrified, Asquith decided he needed to get W.R Monger out of the house before the Jell-O stunk the entire place out. General Asquith made his way back into the living room as he said, "well I don't know about you Warren, I'm a rather tired son of a gun." W.R Monger got up from his seat as he said; "yes I should be going.... GOOD LORD WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE!?" W.R Monger had seen green stink clouds which were coming off from the Jell-O bricks in the kitchen. "Uh... Empire Cannons baseball team?" General Asquith answered. "Empire Cannons? Asquith... you've got the entire team, their manager, and their stadium all in that room?" W.R Monger asked bewildered to which Asquith responded with a massive, "YES!" "May I seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee it?" W.R Monger inquired genuinely curious, but General Asquith refused to allow him entry.

W.R Monger was then escorted off the premises by Asquith. "Well General Asquith; you are certainly a weird fella but I must say you steam a good Asquith!" W.R Monger then made his way down the streets only to become alarmed by the rotten stench that was now looming in the air. He couldn't be too sure, but it smelt like burnt Jell-O bricks. W.R Monger turned around to face General Asquith hoping for an explanation, but all he received was a thumbs up from Asquith. Seeing that there was nothing to worry his little head about, W.R Monger made his leave while General Asquith ran into the house now wearing a gas mask in order to dispose of the rotten Jell-O bricks. Now back in the kitchen once again, Asquith debated on selling the rotten Jell-O to 18K who unlike Area 69 haven't got a problem when it comes to paying what is owed. He eventually opted to give to a butler who was passing by his garden. That butler was of course Fritz who was looking for some table scraps to give to charity. Always an excellent man of business, General Asquith was able to make a real mint by conning Fritz out of £1.50. Fritz left the Asquith residence carrying a small Tesco carrier bag of rotten Jell-O bricks. Just remember Fritz; there's a grape in the centre!

## This Is Snow Joke

As Fritz made his way back home; dusk had fallen as snow began to fall. Johnny Woollyhatson looked out his living room window, and he was delighted when he saw that it was snowing. Woollyhatson made his way out into his backyard as he began to make a snowman. However, Woollyhatson was extremely careful when constructing this snowman as his moronic antics had already cost the lives of two innocent snowmen. Woollyhatson said to himself, "if I'm going to make the perfect snowman; I'm going to need supplies." Thinking quickly, Woollyhatson thumbed a lift to the local Argos where he bought several important items including a bulletproof vest, a bucket of super glue, Anchor Arms, and a packet of Lambcaster Gum. After retrieving all of the items necessary for the task at hand, Woollyhatson returned home to his garden and began constructing the perfect snowman. He didn't rush into things either. No, ole Woollyhatson spent a good hour making his dreams a reality.

After constructing the snowman's body and head, Woollyhatson began applying the items one by one. He placed the bulletproof vest on the front of the snowman in order to protect it from surprise when it was the most vulnerable. Next, Woollyhatson super glued the head on so that it wouldn't fall down to the ground. The Anchor Arms were given to the snowman in place of twigs so that they wouldn't snap off in the wind. The Anchor Arms were also there so that the snowman would able to beat anyone who dares oppose him to death. Lastly, Woollyhatson gave the snowman a turnip nose instead of a carrot nose. Woollyhatson did this because he was a real conspiracy theory nut, and he once heard a theory on Reddit about how turnips bring incredible luck to those who truly believe. Not wanting the snowman to catch a cold, Woollyhatson opted to place an old Sonic The Hedgehog blanket onto the snowman. The weather had suddenly become incredibly bitter, and Woollyhatson headed back inside his house in order to grab two bowls of delicious Campbell Soup. One for himself and the other for his new snowman friend of course. Why name would Woollyhatson give his new snowman friend? Hmm... Woollyhatson had a few ideas in his head. By far, his favourite choices were Frankie Melon, Rabe Maniels, and Derrick Flatbread.

Sadly, when Woollyhatson came outside to give the snowman his bowl of soup he was horrified to discover that the Sun had come out, and the snow had all melted. His snowman was now just a pile of water onto the green grass. Woollyhatson ran over to the remains of his snowman friend, and he sank to his knees as he cried, "how could this happen to me? There was time now.... why?!" All Johnny Woollyhatson could do now was pray that they serve beer in the North Pole. Ha ha isn't that wacky!?

## Fat Chance

Next door to Johnny Woollyhatson, Fritz arrived at the residence of Richard Fatchurd in order to begin feasting upon his delicious Jell-O bricks. Yes as it turns out; Fritz does not have a very sense of smell so he was thus unable to tell that these particular Jell-O bricks were rotten as fuck. Fritz made his way inside the kitchen, and placed the Jell-O bricks onto a plate. He took his eyes off from the plate for less than a second, and when he turned around he found that all the Jell-O bricks had been eaten. "Fatchurd!" Fritz yelled at the very top of his lungs. Fritz then proceeded to make his way into the living room where he found Richard Fatchurd sitting on the sofa having just finished the entire plate of Jell-O bricks. "Oh man those Jell-O bricks filled a hole! Especially that grape in the centre!" Fatchurd laughed, but that's when Fritz got a very sneaky idea. Wanting to get back at Fatchurd for eating his precious Jell-O bricks, Fritz decided to bet Richard Fatchurd £5 if he could go an entire hour without eating food. Fatchurd agreed to the offer, but he quickly regretted it as Fritz began cooking up a delicious feast of Glennie sandwiches. It was an age old recipe taught to Fritz by his good friend and communality college classmate Ted Glen. Leave it with me my arse!

Hunger kicked in for Richard Fatchurd very quickly. As a matter of fact, it kicked in less than an hour after he had made the bet with Fritz. Fatchurd decided to drown out the noise of his rumbling tummy by watching some television. It was all going well until an advert came on for the local pizzeria. The pizzeria are really cruel bastards as in their adverts they show close up footage of some of the nicest pizza you will ever see, but if you were to ever actually go there you'd end up vomiting out your insides as their pizzas taste fucking horrible and they look like they've been run over by a truck. The pizzeria also had 0 stars on TripAdvisor because people refuse to review it cause it's just that awful. It's also worth noting that the owner of the pizzeria; Frank Pizza who had his surname legally changed to Pizza allowed for his big fat smelly dog to run rampant around the place, and he made the pizzas really hard to digest by always using 135 year old pizza. Of course, Richard Fatchurd didn't know about that so when he saw the delicious pizza that was being displayed on the TV screen, he ran towards it and began licking it with all his might. At that moment, Fritz came into the room and looked incredibly dumbfounded as he asked, "uh Sir... would you uh care for a spot of tea?" "That would be lovely Fri..." Fatchurd began as he turned around to see that right in front of his very eyes Fritz transformed into a fricking hotdog.

Richard Fatchurd made a knife and fork appear magically as he began chasing Fritz around the living room. Fatchurd wanted to eat Fritz's face off to be precise. Richard Fatchurd eventually came to his senses, and saw Fritz return to his normal human form. Fatchurd grabbed his face in despair as he cried, "this is the longest hour of my entire life!" Desperate for something to take his mind off food, Richard Fatchurd made his way into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, when he noticed that the fridge now had a mouth and began speaking to him with, "come on Fatchurd put your hands inside me and pull something out." Richard Fatchurd gagged at the sight as soon every food related item in the kitchen began speaking to him. The can of baked beans, tomato ketchup bottle, the Glennie sandwiches which Fritz had placed onto the kitchen table, and even an apple which had lipstick on it for some reason. Fritz then came into the kitchen, and this time he appeared to Fatchurd as a lovely blueberry muffin. Losing all rationality and control, Fatchurd started chasing Fritz around the house as Fritz pondered if perhaps he had gone too far this time. Don't worry Fritz for Richard Fatchurd only needs to not eat anything for another 55 minutes! Good luck with that. Not wanting to run the risk of getting eaten, Fritz opted to forfeit the game and reluctantly paid Richard Fatchurd his precious £5.

After giving it a lot of thought, Richard Fatchurd headed to the pizzeria from the advert he saw on TV earlier, but he quickly left after being given a pizza which had worms and maggots singing Christmas songs in it. There was also a great deal of mould upon the spoon which was used to cut the pizza into slices. Not very good slices mind you as the bread was as tough as cardboard. Thinking of going vegan for a change, Fatchurd opted to pay a visit to the local Vegan House ran by none other than Gaston and Lefou. While at the Vegan House, Fatchurd helped himself to a delicious plate of fish and vegetarian fish fingers while Gaston lamented about his constant constipation issues with Lefou.

## Are You Going To The Vegan House?

Several years prior, Gaston had gone to Home Depot in order to purchase a toilet. Sadly ever since that day, Gaston has had trouble pooping and thus has never been able to use his toilet which he had installed in his den for some reason. "Gaston you've got to take more laxatives!" Lefou pleaded, but Gaston had no time for that now! "Lefou; I'm afraid we have a problem." Gaston sang. The Vegan House had been losing a great deal of money primarily as a result of Gaston's underhanded business practices which included forcing anyone out of the House who wouldn't sing a song with him and Lefou. Gaston was also known to be very bias and critical on who he allowed to enter his Vegan House, and you needed a permit from Gaston himself in order to be allowed entry. Otherwise, Lefou and the rest of Gaston's goons will evict your arse off the premises! Putting his constipation issues aside for the time being, Gaston's main issue was the lack of advertising that his Vegan House had. Gaston tried asking for BBC and ITV to provide him with a camera crew, but they refused due to them hating Gaston for giving them rotten milk which had rat hair in it. No joke. Heck, one guy had a whole smelly dead rat in his ritual glass of milk. That man was on his way to take the Medical College Admission Test (MCAT), but now? Well let's just say he'll be pushing up daises in Butcher's Creek in no time at all.

Gaston and Lefou decided to begin mass marketing their Vegan House to the people of London. "We've got to work together!" Lefou proclaimed happily as Gaston said, "then it's time to take some action Lefou!" Needing some assistance, Gaston and Lefou made sure to request the aid of their friends to help place banners advertising the Vegan House all around London. Sadly, Lefou got into big trouble when he stuck a poster onto the back of an incredibly scary looking builder who then proceeded to beat the snout out of Lefou. He punched Lefou squarely in the face which ended up sending the poor man flying all the way to the local smelly farm. Upon crash landing in the smelly farm, Lefou found himself sitting next to a pig who was having a seizure. "Hmm touchy!" Lefou remarked. But he was in deadly fear of that builder though they did treat each other with cold politeness in the years to follow after this incident. In Lefou's absence, Gaston set about advertising the Vegan House by threatening to shoot people's heads off with his gun. "Get in the fucking house!" Gaston commanded as he began shooting at people with his shotgun when they started to take a little too long to consider their options for his liking. That's when Lefou driving in a truck which had some locals inside of it. Including a big fat man named Curly Moe who had his own story which is so emotional you will need at least six tissues to be able to get through, and even then its a struggle. Though, Curly Moe looked happy to be at the Vegan House on the inside he was crying a bucket of tears. Poor old Curly Moe!

After getting more customers than he has ever had before, Gaston then proceeded to force everyone in the Vegan House to dance like they've never danced before. Maurice the local inventor tried to get in on the dancing by raving his heart out, but Gaston was having none of that I tell ya! "Whoa slow down Maurice!" Gaston cried as he had Maurice forcibly evicted off the premises by his two gorilla henchmen. In order to add further insult to injury, Gaston had the pair place Maurice into a space shuttle which was designated to hit Jupiter. "Will no one help me?" Maurice asked as he and the space shuttle flew off into the sky above. Gaston meanwhile sat down on his antler decorated sitting chair as he turned the TV on, and switched over to the afternoon news where Boris Johnson was shown standing outside of 10 Downing Street. Standing next to Mr Johnson were two incredibly nervous policeman who used to run rackets in Burbank according to Empire Central Radio.

## In Boris Johnson We Trust

Boris Johnson proceeded to give a really boring speech about his efforts to dismantle the Toy Mafia and how he had his two best police officers on the case day and night. After concluding the speech, Johnson let out a series of really nasty coughs as he also went on to announce that Covid19 lockdown restrictions would finally be relaxing for a brief window of time. Heading inside 10 Downing Street, Johnson was summoned for an audience with the rest of Parliament who were not very happy about Johnson planning to relax the lockdown restrictions. "Have I ever let you lot down?" Boris inquired as the entire room responded with an almighty, "YES!" Thinking quickly, Boris Johnson made a top hat and cane appear magically as he began singing about all the wonderous things he has done ever since becoming Prime Minister. During his little musical number, Boris Johnson made it very clear to the MP's that the relaxing of the lockdown restrictions would only last two seconds, and that he only did that in order to appease people and prevent them from insulting his rather bad hairstyle. Old Boris was certainly a tight fisted hand at the grindstone! Yet, somehow, Boris had received a great deal of respect from the MP's after giving them his song.

That's when Parliament questioned the nature of health secretary Matt Hancock. However, Boris fled to Hancock's defence immediately by saying, "his face is the face of London's bright future. Hancock and I are going to make Britain great again!" Matt Hancock then attempted to sing his own musical number only to get thrown out of the window by Boris Johnson and his stuck up friends. In order to gain even further favour with Parliament, Boris Johnson went on to say that each member of Parliament would be given their very own statue in Oakton City if they stayed on Team Boris, and from that point forward there were no more objections towards Boris Johnson and his leadership. While Boris Johnson and his insane followers took part in a massive conga, one of his trainees who was an old dog with no middle toe decided to go and buy a Christmas tree from Big Pete's newly rebuilt Christmas Tree Lot down in Croydon. Boris Johnson wanted a Christmas tree in the main lobby of 10 Downing Street, and he wanted it to last all year due to how pretty it would look. Oh, Boris you sure do talk an incredible amount of Christmas tree you know that?

## Ten Footed Calamity Style Horror

The trainee named Walter P no relation to the late great Monty P made his way over to Big Pete's Christmas Lot, and asked about a Christmas tree. Now, Walter P claimed that he all wanted was a bog standard Christmas tree, but Big Pete claimed to not have any in stock. Furthermore, Big Pete went on to tell Walter P that a ten footer tree was what he truly desired, and Walter was very hesitant to buy one due to the amorous prices that Big Pete was asking for them. Big Pete always a great bargainer said, "now problem old buddy pal; we can just add your name to my instalment plan ya see?" Big Pete then proceeded to hand a clipboard over to Walter P who became very shaky when reading the thing. It became crystal clear to Walter; that Big Pete was planning on robbing Boris Johnson for all he's worth, and that when Boris refused to pay Pete the money for the tree he would use that information to sue Boris for billions of bitcoins. Walter was very hesitant to sign the clipboard which caused Big Pete to grow very impatient as he said, "come on Pops I'm freezing my ass over here!"

Ultimately, Walter decided to not buy the ten footer which caused Big Pete to grab him by the neck. Big Pete then proceeded to mug Walter P of his Subway gift card and packet of Lambcaster Gum as he sent flying all the way back to 10 Downing Street where an angry Boris Johnson would be there to greet him. However in spite of all that, it was Walter P who ended up getting the last laugh in this battle as Big Pete ended up tripping on one of the wires which held his ten footers up in the air. All of those damn ten footers ended up falling on top of Big Pete. He tried his best to break free. Big Pete was an incredibly powerful cat, but even he was no match for the strength of those damn ten footers. Pinned to the ground, Big Pete made an urgent distress call to the police department. When the cops got there, Big Pete would pin the blame on Walter P, and claim that Walter tried to kill him by crushing him to death with the ten footers. Big Pete wanted to frame Walter P so that he could gain ownership of Walter's house. Despite claiming to be very skint, Walter owned a very luxurious house in Bristol which had about 50 bedrooms and 20 bathrooms. All Big Pete could now however was wait for the cops to show up.

## A Song For Sydney

Sydney of the Tetley Tea Folk was sitting in his living room clutching onto a boiling hot cup of tea. He was very troubled for in two hours time he would be on a stage on live television auditioning for X Factor. Lately, Sydney had really been trying his hand at getting onto national television. He had originally intended to get on the popular children's program; "Playhouse Genocide." Playhouse Genocide features a snot nosed husband who is in bed with the Cartels, and he is trying to cover his tracks by making his overly friendly wife make really foul looking chocolate cake. He then attempts to kick his wife's face in when she refuses to pick up the cups. He was very angry because he knows that his wife has picked up some confidence tips from Commissioner Plum; the main antagonist of the show who loves to shove things up his arse but that's another story entirely. Quite literally as a matter of fact as Plum has his own spin off show on Netflix which is called, "PC Plum's Drum Tum." Sydney auditioned for the role of the husband's eager assistant Floyd, but he failed to make the cut when he kept on forgetting his lines.

Sydney wanted to sing like a canary in May, and he practised his vocal chards by singing in his kitchen to the various appliances on the shelves. Little did Sydney know however was that he was being watched by Gaffer and Gordon. Upon noticing that the pair were watching him, Sydney suddenly felt a little shy. "Hey what's the matter Sydney? Why'd you stop?" Gaffer inquired as he and Gordon made their way onto the scene. Sydney then said, "the thing is Gaffer; I'm auditioning for X Factor in two hours time, and I've got..." "Stage fright." Gordon said as he began smoking a cigar. Gaffer gave Sydney a friendly pat on the back as he said, "hey don't you worry about a thing Sydney; Gordon and I will get you singing in no time at all in that right Gordon?" "Sure I guess." Gordon said rather sheepishly as he began reading from the Empire Bay Times. Ah! A man of quality I see Gordon! The trio headed inside the living room with Gaffer removing the table cloth from the coffee table in order for Sydney to use it as a makeshift stage of sorts. Sydney got up onto the table as Gaffer said in a rather sinister tone of voice, "now sing!" "Oh I do love to be beside the seaside oh I do love to be beside the sea." Sydney sang. Much to Gaffer and Gordon's chagrin, Sydney's vocal chords sounded beyond hoarse well to them at least. In order to combat this issue, Gordon headed into the kitchen and came back holding a large jar of peanut butter. He handed it over to Gaffer and said, "this should do the trick Gaff."

Two hours later, Sydney caught a cab with Gaffer and Gordon to the X Factor training studio down in Croydon. Sydney was given his own room in the studio in order to prepare for the show. Gaffer and Gordon prepared Sydney by putting a downright ugly clown wig on his head, and they also stuffed Sydney's face in with peanut butter. Sydney ate so much bloody peanut butter that he was on the verge of turning into a peanut. "Are you sure this is going to work Gordon?" Gaffer asked as he continued to force feed Sydney. "Of course it will Gaffer! You just wait and see; Sydney will be singing like a bird in Rio!" Gordon proclaimed happily as he and Gaffer then proceeded to usher Sydney out of the room and onto the stage where an already angry Simon Cowell was waiting to greet him. It was just Simon Cowell and stunt doubles for the other judges who looked bloody horrible. Simon didn't look very happy to be there as he was craving some steak and chips. "What's your name?" Simon inquired to which Sydney responded with, "name's Sydney and I'm from..." Simon Cowell then proceeded to rudely cut Sydney off as he commanded him to start singing. Sydney turned away from Cowell for a brief moment, and he ate some peanut butter from an old jar which Gaffer had stuffed into his lab coat. Sydney then turned back around to face Simon, and began singing. Sadly as a result of the peanut butter in his mouth, Sydney's voice became very muffled and hard to hear. Simon Cowell looked really confused as he then proceeded to tell Sydney to fuck off and never return. Not even joking those were his exact words. Real nice going there Simon Cowell!

Returning home, Sydney drowned his sorrows in a delicious cup of steaming hot Tetley Tea. Gaffer remained optimistic about Sydney having another shot at the show. Gordon meanwhile encouraged Sydney for bringing up the countless people who failed on the show in the past and managed to live very successful careers. One of those people of course being Onkar Judge who after being passed over on the show went on to establish himself as an acclaimed musician. He currently has over 25 best selling albums under his belt. Although, his most recent album; Onkar In Quarantine has received less than favourable reviews online. Onkar is also something of a philanthropist as he owns a variety of businesses in Birkland including an old rundown bowling alley which has portraits of him on every single wall. Every where you look you'll be seeing Onkar Judge Onkar Judge on a saviour's day! The story of Onkar Judge's success brought a new level of confidence in Sydney, but that's when Gaffer brought up the fact that Onkar achieved such wide spread success due to his connections to the Newtown Redevelopment Fund. The Newtown Redevelopment Fund is a crime syndicate which pledges to speed up housing developments for recovering addicts of pink custard, but in reality the group plan to embezzle money from the British government and that's just sick in my humble bumble opinion that is! The Fund is also to launder a lot of it's money by giving people like Onkar Judge music contracts, but that's another story entirely.

In any case, Gordon then brought on the fact that Sydney could always audition for Britain's Got Talent. Sadly, Sydney revealed to Gaffer and Gordon that he had actually already auditioned for Britain's Got Talent in the past, but he never got past the rehearsals. Sydney's alleged talent was his skill at making the world's most perfect cup of Tetley Tea. Sadly, during the audition, Sydney caught a serious case of stage fright as he ended up spilling boiling hot tea all over the bloody stage which resulted in his immediate dismissal. Sydney has tried his absolute best to forget that damn story ever happened, after talking to Gaffer and Gordon about it he decided to head back into his house for another cup of tea. Yes seriously, those damn Tetley Tea Folks drink so much tea because tea is the only thing that they can drink after all.

Sydney started singing to himself as he made his cup of tea. "I said I love you, and that's forever. This I promise from the heart." Sydney then began dancing with a mop as he finished the song with, "I couldn't love you any better. I love you just the way you..... AHHH1" Sydney finished as he took a swig from his cup of tea. Once again, Gaffer and Gordon were watching all of this take fold from outside the kitchen window. Gordon rolled his eyes in disgust while Gaffer smiled knowing that his dear friend was finally back to normal. What the heck did Simon Cowell know about singing anyway? He's got so many blooming teeth he may as well be an accordion! Sydney then began reading from the Lost Heaven Inquirer as he took some more sips from his hot sweet cup of Tetley Tea. Ah, that's better that's Tetley!

## Snitches Get Stiches

Upon reaching Vernon Avenue, Sam and Max debated on whether or not they should inform Boris Johnson of this new development with the Toy Mafia, but they decided against it. The pair had been procrastinating this whole deal by spending two hours at a local dinar in Midtown, but now was finally the time to act. Sam and Max met up with Don Raccoon's black market partner, and he appeared to be carrying a huge crate full of Disney bootleg merchandise including King Triton Quaker Oats, Honest John's Walking Stick, and Winnie The Pooh flamethrower which Pooh used to burn down the homes of several innocent people who refused to pay for their car insurance. Once again dear reader; please look in the Official Winnie The Pooh strategy guide no69 there's a whole six chapters regarding this. As well as another two chapters regarding Pooh and his relationship with the Colombian Cartel. In any case. Sam and Max then proceeded to take the crate containing the Disney bootlegs when all of the sudden a huge group of police officers appeared on the scene. "Hello gentlemen." One of the officers greeted as he then continued with, "I think you have something for us; drop the crate!" Sam and Max did as they were told, only for Max to then comment on the officer's rather fashionable Nike shoes. That's when Sam finally managed to put 2 and 2 together. "Wait a minute Max these guys ain't cops!" Sam cried at the very top of his lungs as he and Max killed the ringleader of the fake cops while the black market dealer only just managed to escape from the chaos unscathed.

Sam and Max then fought their way over waves upon waves of fake cops, and they managed to capture one of the fake cops and interrogated him. "Who are you working for?" Sam inquired as Max took out a hacksaw and threatened, "tell us right now or else we'll cut your arms off one by one real slow like." The fake cop real name Moe coughed out some cough drops as he explained Don Raccoon knew that Boris Johnson had sent the pair to dismantle the Toy Mafia once again, and not wanting to let that happen he sent the pair on the suicide mission to blow up the freighter. That job of course resulted in Raccoon's trusted lieutenant Mr Flamingo sleeping with the fishes. Not wanting to take any chances, Max popped one last fatal bullet into Moe's head as he and Sam got into their car and made their way over to Al's Toy Barn in order to confront Raccoon for his betrayal. Sam and Max didn't very far down the road as upon turning around they realised they were getting chased down by Raccoon and the rest of the Toy Mafia. To make matters even worse, Raccoon's limo was not only bulletproof but it also had huge Gatling guns coming out from the roof which managed to put some serious dents into Sam and Max's car. Thinking quickly, Max got on the roof of the car and threw some eggs as the windshield of Richard Raccoon's car which caused it to start spinning out of control.

Sam meanwhile provided assistance to Max by taking a scenic route through Chinatown, and he popped his body out from the driver's window and began shooting a tommy gun at the backup cars which had come to Raccoon's aid. Sam was able to destroy all the backup cars as well as the reinforcements from Empire Bay. Max was starting to run out of eggs, but his dilemma was quickly resolved once he started throwing old banana peels and fried oyster skins at the windshield in their place. The smell of the fried oyster skins caused to Raccoon to lose control of the car as he cried, "fried oyster skins oh buggering buggerton!" He then proceeded to crash his bulletproof limo right into the local police station where he was then arrested by Sam and Max. With Raccoon in prison and his lieutenants dead, the rest of the Toy Mafia quickly disbanded. Sam and Max meanwhile were awarded medals in Trafalgar Square. The ceremony was of course hosted by none other than Boris Johnson himself. After being awarded the medals; incredibly rude news reporter Gareth Eggplant asked; "so now that the Toy Mafia is officially disbanded what will you two do with yourselves now?" "Oh Max and I have a few ideas." Sam said. Say was that a wink? It was of course true as Sam and Max had to get back to playing some more Shrek 2 on Xbox. I swear everyone here has got such great taste in video games it's really something I'll tell ya! Satisfied with the latest adventure of Sam and Max, I felt that now was the correct time for Captain Kiddie and I to check on our old friend Farmer Francis.

## Farming A Grudge

Needing some money to buy a brand new golden tractor which was advertised in a shop window in Bedfordshire, Farmer Francis offered work for anyone who would pay him. Yes you see; Farmer Francis was very dumb, and he didn't know money works. He believed that people who work for him should pay him and not the other way around. This was the main reason why ole Francis had so few staff working on his farm. He was just a tad too respectful if such terms could be used, and I think that they can. Of course, once people learned that they'd have to pay their wages to Farmer Francis no one bothered to apply when he put his DISGUSTING ad in the paper. Although to be fair, Farmer Francis only put his ad in the Sunday Turntable. Oh Farmer Francis you stupid old cunt! Nobody reads the Sunday Turntable anymore! Not even stupid Jackie reads it! People haven't read the Sunday Turntable since 1921 at that old holiday home in the Craven Isles. Farmer Francis; with all due respect, the only people reading that paper these days are old people who are so old they look like mouldy pieces of toast. However, as it turns out, ole RJ Mole is actually a pretty thing of Sunday Turntable, and so he opted to apply for work on Farmer Francis' farm.

Much to Farmer Francis' chagrin, RJ Mole was not a very good farmer in stark contrast to how he described himself in his job application and interview to Francis. RJ knew that Francis would not hire him unless he was certain he had the best farmer in town, and in order to prove himself RJ opted to lie not only on the job application but in his interview with Farmer Francis as well. RJ Mole's first task was to mow the grass, but he made a big mess of that and ended up mowing the entire thing so much there was no grass left. Next, RJ Mole was asked to saw an old oak tree, and RJ seemed to have found his footing with this job and it was going pretty well for him at first. This was of course until he was approached from behind by one of Francis' new assistants. The assistant had the smelliest face you'd ever see, but he had made the fatal mistake of startling a chainsaw wielding RJ Mole. Screaming out in terror, RJ Mole turned around and ended up sawing the assistant's head off with the chainsaw. Did this assistant have a name? Yeah he did; it's Farming Assistant 4321. After disposing of the body, Farmer Francis was just about up and ready to fire RJ Mole for good, but that's when RJ begged and pleaded for just one last chance. Farmer Francis begrudgingly accepted as he warned, "if you screw up again boyio; so help me God I will shove my foot so far up your arse it'll be coming out of your mouth." "Understood loud and clear!" RJ Mole proclaimed happily. Perhaps a little too happily if I may say so myself!

RJ Mole's last chance was to use a combine harvester in order to harvest some grain. "Easy peasy!" RJ Mole proclaimed like some kind of Barry Scott as he made his way inside of the combine harvester, and began harvesting some delicious crops. Satisfied that RJ Mole may have finally found a farm job that's right for him, Farmer Francis opted to go inside for a quick smoke and a yarn of ham. RJ Mole meanwhile became a little too comfortable with the machine as he ended up putting his legs back and leaning right back into his chair. This move proved to be RJ's undoing as he ended up accidentally triggering the super fast mode switch with his foot. Why did Farmer Francis have that installed in his combine harvester? I don't know reader why don't you ask his solicitor? The combine harvester went around the entire field destroying every thing in it's path including an old picked fence which had been on the field for generations. Farmer Francis ran out from his house, and attempted to shoot RJ's head off with his shotgun but he failed miserably in trying to do so. RJ Mole eventually managed to turn the machine off, and he made his way off the vehicle as he remarked, "well that's gonna leave a mark!"

Of course, Farmer Francis' natural response to all of RJ Mole's destruction was to sue his ass or in the very least gift him a first class ticket to Riker's Island. However, RJ Mole having always been a cunning son of a gun managed to escape justice by giving Farmer Francis a rotten apple which was laced with laxatives. After consuming the apple, Francis held his stomach in pain as he remarked, "oh no!" He then proceeded to awkwardly excuse himself from RJ's presence as he made his way inside his out house. RJ meanwhile thumbed a cabbie back to his house. Oh RJ Mole you'll get what's coming to you one day I'm sure of it!

## Oh Beehave Amos Slade!

Just a few square yards from Farmer Francis' field, an old rival of his; Amos Slade was trying his absolute best to collect some damn honey to go with his pumpkin pie. Slade was however of course a very short sighted man as instead of being a normal person and going to the store to buy some honey, Amos Slade made the more logical decision in his mind at least which was to get honey directly from the bee hive itself. Amos pulled out his shotgun, and shot about 5 bullets at a nearby bumblebee hive, but none of them were able to make hits. Amos was puzzled as he asked, "has my aim really gotten that bad? I think not!" Amos then tried his best to anger the bees out of their nest, by calling them fat bastards. "Come out bees and fight like men! You're not children you're insects for crying out loud!" Amos Slade commanded, but he quickly regretted as the bumblebees all came flying out from the nest. The bumblebees all looked incredibly scary, and the way their hairy faces former made it look as though as there was true malice behind those stone cold beady black eyes. Amos turned to run away only to get the bees to swarm around his face. I should also probably add that before the bees smothered his face, Amos was pulling an incredibly stupid face. He was pulling what was quite possibly the dumbest face that you will ever see.

And so, for the next hour and a half, Amos Slade ran around his entire house screaming in pain for someone to get the bees off from his face. No one bothered to lend a land to ole Slade. Even the Junkyard Dogs took turns to laugh and make jokes at Amos' expense. Amos eventually managed to kill the bees after he accidentally walked face first into a lamp post. It was very difficult for Slade to see with all those damn bees in his face it would seem. With all the bees gone, Amos fell to the floor as he only had one very important question left remaining on his mind. Where is the groom?

## The Way You Make Me Wheel

Having to collect your impounded car from the lot is never fun. Mr Parks never would had have done of this if he had just for once chance paid attention to whether not he could park his car in that damn Subway parking lot. I mean it was a parking lot for crying out loud! If anything, Subway are the ones who owe him an apology after his car was broken into by two talking jalapenos. "Hey hello to my little friend!" The jalapenos would proclaim happily to Mr Parks as they proceeded to have his car taken downtown by a parking officer. Unable to send anyone to retrieve the car for him since all of his employees were off partying at Walnut Pass, Mr Parks was forced tor retrieve the car himself. The car was being held at the impounding lot in Pullover Avenue, Oakton City. Before heading to collect the car, Mr Parks placed a safe gun into his suit pocket just in the case the worse were to happen and he were to be attacked by the moves of a smooth criminal.

Mr Parks made his way inside of the impounding lot where he was let in by OCPD Officer Steve Grabowski. Grabowski had made his bones in New York City working as a tough no nonsense traffic cop whose job was to remove clamps from cars when the time was right, and the Sun hit the Empire State building at just the right angle. Now, Grabowski had always been a very taciturn man, but he found himself opening up to Mr Parks about traumatic moments in his youth such as his fear of rejection and betrayal. Grabowski had long since had a fear of rejection after since he got rejected by his crush at Subway. Subway! So, you see; it's coming together! Mr Parks said in a rather blunt tone, "listen buddy; I really don't have time to listen to your life story right now so if we could just..." Sadly, Grabowski then showed Mr Parks that he was not so above the law as it seems as he ended up handcuffing Mr Parks to his car so that he would be forced to listen to more of Grabowski's stories. He told Mr Parks loads of stories ranging from the time he played football for two weeks in high school, and how when he was five years old he gave his mother a chicken which had no bones. Yes, Steve Grabowski certainly is an odd fella, and the reason behind his weird fascination with Mr Parks came from the fact that he had idolised the fat fucking roast potato headed man from a young age. Mr Parks' rise to power inspired Grabowski to attend Fordham University, but he got kicked out after jamming French fries up his nose. After getting kicked out of Fordham, Grabowski went with his plan B option, and headed straight to the police academy. The rest is history.

Mr Parks wanting to escape from Grabowski noticed a taco on the far side of the parking lot, and he asked if Grabowski would mind getting it for him claiming that the taco belonged to his neighbour's uncle's pet turtle which meant the taco legally belonged to him in the court of tacos. Ain't that what they call Taco Law? Anyways, Steve Grabowski was more than happy to oblige with Mr Parks' requests as he proclaimed, "sure no problem Mr Parks!" He then proceeded to head on over to the other side of the parking lot where he picked the clearly very rotten and slimy taco off from the ground. Mr Parks meanwhile managed to bite the handcuff chains off making him a free man so to speak. Mr Parks sneakily made his way back inside of his car. Meanwhile, Steve Grabowski turned around to face Mr Parks as he asked, "Are you sure you want this taco Mr Parks it seems to be a bit..." Grabowski and his words trailed off once he caught sight of Mr Parks starting up his car. Not wanting to lose his chances of boring Mr Parks to death with even more stories, Grabowski ran towards the car and practically threw himself onto the bonnet of the car. Mr Parks drove straight through the walls of the impound lot and he drove erratically around Oakton City for awhile until he eventually ended up crashing his car into the side of a ditch in Harbird.

The cops then appeared on the scene in order to apprehend Mr Parks and take him downtown for questioning. Of course, Mr Parks attempted to bin the blame on good ole Steve Grabowski, but when Mr Parks turned around in order to face the bonnet of the car but there was nobody there! This resulted in Mr Parks wondering if whether or not Steve Grabowski was a real person or perhaps just a figment of his imagination. The former turned out to be the correct guess as Grabowski was shown just chilling inside the car reacting to Among Us let's plays. Thankfully, since Mr Parks is a very powerful businessman he was able to avoid prison time, but his car was impounded once again because the OCPD are quite bastards they are. They prey on people's fears of losing what they have so they become obedient to the protection which the department promises them. Realising that he'll have to listen to even more of Grabowski's stories if he returns to the lot, Mr Parks proceeded to yank his hair out as he then began running down the streets of Oakton City crying like mad. Feeling bad for having scared Mr Parks like that, Grabowski began giving chase to Parks as he cried, "come back Parky I'm real sorry!" Some say that Mr Parks and Steve Grabowski are still running to this day... well obviously they're not because I saw them on the tube the other day. The point remains the same regardless. So let that be a lesson to you dear reader; the next time you go and collect your car from the impound lot make sure to bring a pair of earplugs with otherwise you may have to listen to another story from the life of Officer Steve Grabowski.

## Not So Boring After All

After viewing all these clips in rapid succession, Captain Kiddie came to the sudden realisation that perhaps life in the world of funnypastas was not as boring as it had once seemed to him. "Do you intend on making this information public?" I asked to which Captain Kiddie responded with, "don't worry Buckie your secret fetish is safe with me." He then blew into his mighty whistle of mightiness as who should arrive on the scene than none other than Pimping Sanders himself. Having had enough stories for one day, Captain Kiddie and I left my house and decided to head on back to the Pelican Inn. As we made our way back there, I could hear Pimping Sanders ask in a very confused tone of voice, "hey what's the matter? Don't you want to hear my story?" Sorry Pimping Sanders, but maybe another day yeah? Stay another stay another day!

## Closing Time

And so there you have it folks; looks like justice is blind. Cue the saucy music. No, but with all due seriousness, I hope you enjoyed the big 100th funnypasta celebration. How long till the big 200th funnypasta celebration? Well I suppose it depends on how long it takes for me to make the next 199 funnypastas. Thank you for coming along readers, and just to be clear this is not Buckie O'Buck Neil speaking as he is busy shooting another commercial for Rough Riders or something else along those margins. This message is coming from the heart. I hope you all continue to read and enjoy my funnypastas, and hopefully sooner or later we'll get the big 200 but until that day I'm loving tacos instead.