The Code Says Do X

I've decided that this is a Star vs. the Forces of Evil spinoff.

## Unheroic

The magic lady had said that "Humans and monsters could live in peace." That was a nice sentiment, but it was wrong, and Da-xia Lu knew it best. She was the premier monster-exterminator in her area, and she constantly had to drive peaceful monsters away from people's homes for no reason other than what she saw as pure evil on the humans' part.

The humongous cowering in this garage was no different. All Da-xia had to do was offer it a single ear of corn, and it was magically docile. She sat next to it until it had shoved the whole cob down its throat.

"Can you speak?"

It let out a commanding squawk.

"I guess you can't. That explains why these people want you to move out."

The people were crowding around the garage door, and when she yelled "Open the garage!" the young boy immediately did so. Upon seeing the sun, the bird cowered in the other direction, and the people screamed. Da-xia jumped against it, pushing it back despite its protests.

"No, you can't argue or decline. You *have* to go to the party."

Da-xia didn't want to go there, but she could rarely make her mother happy. "This party," she muttered as she neared the front door, "is going to be worthless and loud."

She hated it. The party was in a large windowless room. There was a raucous boombox which made her feel like something was hatching from her head and a spinning disco ball which made her dizzy. The idiotic boy who had invited her wasn't helping, because he kept asking her questions she didn't want to answer.

"Why are you carrying a sword?" he asked her for the twentieth time. She decided to run away and find someplace to hide instead. She hid in a closet filled with cleaning supplies and tables. The smell of dirt calmed her, and she could barely hear the song coming out of the speakers.

*There is something monstrous about me,* she thought wearily, *and I'm going to disappoint my mother.*

Then she heard the evil boombox grind to a halt. Was the party ending, or was something wrong?

It turned out that there was a monster in the main room. It bellowed loudly with the huge mustached head on its long accordion-like neck.

"Damn," Da-xia whispered. She ran in front of the beast, angling so it couldn't see her scabbard. "What's wrong?" she asked kindly.

The beast honked, "Like you, human child, I hate the noise they play."

"This is true," Da-xia admitted. "I hate the noise that came from those speakers. But now" - and she gestured around at the hushed people and the speakers, which were turned off - "the noise has gone! We can coexist in harmony!"

The monster guffawed, a strangled and scratchy sound. "Do you have proof that the noise will stop forever?"

Da-xia hung her head. "No." But then, theatrically, she turned to the crowd. "Do *you* promise to stop this noise?"

She saw a messy man stagger up and screech, "We will never listen to you!" at the monster.

"Stupid," she hissed at the same time the beast growled, "Typical." The beast stretched its neck forwards and pulled the man back by one leg, biting it off in the process. The man screamed as the beast contentedly swung its head around. "Who should I eat next?"

Da-xia yelled "Move!" to the crowd, and everyone except her started running out of the building. The beast lazily stretched its neck out again, but this time Da-xia lunged towards it and wrangled its head.

It snapped its jaws a few times before trying to retract its neck again. Da-xia dug her heels into the ground and trapped its head in a semi-retracted position. As the last stragglers exited the building, the beast gasped breathlessly, "We're on the same side here, human. Why are you trying to save these people?"

"They didn't try to kill you." Da-xia grunted as the beast tried to knock her down. "Why did you kill one of them?"

"I can feel the sheath on your hip against my neck, little monster-slayer." The beast sounded disappointed. "You shouldn't act so moral when you and I both know you will kill me at any moment."

"I won't!" Everyone had exited the room, so Da-xia let go and backed away from the beast. It lunged at her, but she blocked the monster with her sheathed sword.

"Why do you seem reluctant to kill me? I have already attacked one of your brethren."

"I don't know," Da-xia muttered. "Usually, your kind are peaceful, and I barely need to use this."

Rather than attacking her, the beast sat on its legs like a cat. The feeling that something was off intensified,, until Da-xia finally blurted, "What's leading you not to attack me?"

The beast let loose its harsh guffaw again. "I'm glad you asked. You see, I came here because I heard about you."

Da-xia let go of its neck. "What?"

"You wanted something to do, and I came to rescue you!" The monster's grin nearly split its face