Gaazzalahsism

Gaazzalahsism is a religion created mostly by Nelson Murphy and credited mostly to Sam Thomas. It focuses mostly on the Dark lord Gaazzalahe who rules over this world. It is an incredibly racist and vile religion (at least towards the Romani people.) It was written ~~from 2011-2012~~  an incredibly long time ago. Bad jokes warning.

## Teachings

### **The Man in the Core**

Along
time ago in the time of the big bang the beings Gaazzalahe, The Ungapi, It,
ZorbThon, Orklapse, The Duckman of the Sky, The Gooseman of the Sky, The
Birdman of the Sea, Girth, Smaw, Smaw, Smaw, Smaw, the Goose Wrangler, and the
Fishman of the Sea. Then there was another Being who lived in a metal tube,
liked Dub-step, insulted, vandalized, ate the last cookie, eats his yogurt with
the fruit left at the bottom, owned blue Ray copies of all of Adam Sandler’s
movies, liked Charlie Sheen as a Person, and listened to Owl City. In other
words he was pure evil. He couldn’t control his metal tube and crashed into
earth in it’s lava covered state. Eventually he hit the core and his tube was
welded to the core.

### **Englord Isle**

Afar, in the mist came a sad, sad soul seeking shelter.
This mans name was Englord Isle. He dug a small hole to shelter him self form
the winds of ZorthLorpse Canyon. The winds carried so much sediment if you
stayed out too long, rock would form around your body. What he had seen, no man
should ever see… EVER! This is his story. Englord was a conquistador from
Spain. Zorrerrer, Shiploch, Shwarterzaparp, FoShizle, and he were on a quest to
explore the Gaazzalahe Peak. This is where the Dark lord Gaazzalahe is
supposedly living. This would not be an easy thing to do.

As
Englord went deeper in the cave his memory went deeper into the story. It smelled
like his favorite dish, cooked salmon served still hot on a platter of oak
leaves. He hadn’t eaten a decent meal since last year. Luckily there was a dead
skunk, not filled with disease or bacteria. It was still cook able. He grabbed
a small amount of oil, logs, and twigs from his bag. Back in his conquistador
days he was the lumber boy. His purpose was to explore all of Spain for the
best lumber. Good thing he lived by a Gloorxax forest. If you’re not familiar
with the plant it’s probably because Englord burned all of them. Eating the
dead skunk, he remembered more, but what he remembered almost killed him due to
fright.

He
saw himself, Shiploch, and FoShizle climbing. Zorrerrer and Shwarterzaparp had
burst into spontaneous combustion. They had climbed up 50ft in 5 hours. As they
set up camp the portal of the ungapi had arrived. Then It came out.

What is it you may ask; well
you’ll know it when you see it. If you must know, It is Phil Collins from the
band Genesis. All anyone knows about It is that It eats the rare, but not
mistaken Zebra Squirrel. It was found by Nelson the founder of Gaazalahsism. He
and his organization have been able to stop It and kill It. Then It became a
ghost, and possessed the body of John Belushi (even though he’s dead). They
lost the trail from there until the found a piece of evidence. A shady man
appeared at the Shell Station at the corner of Fuller and Knapp in Grand
Rapids, Michigan. He had a trench coat and a hat, very suspicious. They found
out from there that it was Justin, a young man who went to the same education
center as them. So It had to escape. It traveled back in time ditching John
Belushi’s corpse behind the Golden Wok.

They were all too afraid to
fight It except Lumber boy. He pulled out the mega-matrix of Edgar Earthox. He
blasted him back to the time of the eighties forever. He also eliminated the
paradox. Later that night a meteor shower arrived. Orklapses comet also
appeared in the sky. Then they were visited by the Ungapi again.

“My brother, we shall reign
once more over thou canyon to conceal the fate of the three conquistadors who
climb thy peak,” said the Ungapi. The Ungapi is a scribe for the Dark lord
Gaazzalahe. He is also the brother of It. He had been trying to unite the two
evils since the Big Bang. It did not want to join the Dark Lord because he wanted
humans to be his slaves. It, simply wanted to kill millions and inflict pain on
those who doubted him. “Earth is the pity of the galaxy. It is the weakest,
smallest, slowest evolving civilized planet in the whole Universe. Earth will
reach a demise greater and more powerful than the Big Bang.  Weak as an infant, Earth will fall apart in
seconds. ***Thorlaxplayah, ans transus e octos w zorthos quezallow si si Earth e lebette***
a octoscy clause attaz  e untose cie
pluribarsos deyie onochrome.” ***Basically what the Ungapi is trying to do***
is cast a spell on Earth to make sure it would stay at this mental level. The
Human brain would never evolve of change.
The translation comes out as “Gaazzalahe, this planet is idiotic at
most, yes, yes Earth is under a stupidity phase an is weakening continuously so
deny the onochrome.” The Onochrome is the mega-matrix used by Englord that
weakens the Ungapi.

Englord finished his meal of
skunk with grilled truffles on the side. Suddenly his rock door came rolling
down. Englord had been exposed to the sand. He lay unconscious in the ground.
His dream left off where his memory left off. He saw a consolation of stars in
the sky commonly known as Ikle the Pickle’s pillow.  In the dream he had fallen asleep thus waking
him up in real life. He awoke in a hut in what is present day Milan. A Gypsy
man with 2,000,000,000 eyes the size of a molecule. He revived him with his
voodoo Gypsy magic. He had died for a billionth of a split second.

“Raw raw raw raw raw raw
cawtaw law bwaaaaaaaw alah a smaw,” screamed the Gypsy. Englord did not know
how to speak Gypsy, but he didn’t have to because Gypsies only yell gibberish
to scare people. Englord reached for his mega-matrix, but there only a few sharpened
skunk ribs. Then the Gypsy yelled, “Braare ar car bizarre PLARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

So Englord took the other
thing he took from the Ungapi, the Mega-Laser. He shot the Gypsy between the
two series of eyes and the laser went to the top of Gaazzalahe Peak. Then
another flashback occurred. The Conquistadors had returned to their
expedition.

“Yo, cheese fry, get out of
gri’le,” said FoShizle,” get out holmes,
why you tryin’ to get  in my
gri’le. E-dogg, beat it, home skillet. MOVE!”

“Shut up with your slang
gibberish!” commanded Shiploch.

“WWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
baw law haw Smaw, smaw!”a large crowd of Gypsies attacked. “We waw alah daw
smaw.” Commanded the Gypsies. The smaw is probably a rock used to steal grapes
from the market (because that is what Gypsies do). Also when traveling in a
large crowd, Gypsies can, eat corn at a timing of 22 seconds and vomit out
popcorn. “Smaw gaw Allah gavaw daw Smaw.”

The Conquistadors grabbed
their swords and stabbed each Gypsy between the lungs. That day One Million
Gypsies were slaughtered. Thus that was a good day for all. The Gypsy leader
Smaw (no relation to the tool), reported back to the Dark lord Gaazzalahe.
Gaazzalahe had created the Gypsies, as a plot to make every living thing commit
suicide, but most people just killed the Gypsies. “Raw Gypsy Rawvelotion raw
continaw,” screamed the Gypsies.

“Holy FoShizle whizzle
Grizzle my Drizzle,” Said FoShizle. “Englord, you must kill the Gypsy lord. If
you kill the Gypsy lord, Smaw, the Gypsies will shrivel up and die. Use your
mega-matrix that can kill the Ungapi.”

“Shiploch, FoShizle, I know
all this power is bestowed upon me, but the Gypsy lord? If he can stand the
Gypsies, imagine how annoying he could be.” Englord said.

Englord took a moment from
remembering the story, to find the mega-matrix. The Gypsy had used it to cook
his meal (Gypsies only eat other Gypsies left arms). Then he had to get out of
the out because a Gypsy made it. He had some pitch in his pack that he stored
for later.

Back in Story World, the
team of Conquistadors had woken up from their slumber. They had only climbed
13ft because of the Gypsies. Englord was no where to be found. FoShizle and
Shiploch had lost him. He had ventured down a little bit to collect lumber
because he had run out. Then the Ungapi came, and no one was prepared. As
Englord climbed the mountain, he saw the Ungapi run away with his friends.

Englord had to reunite with
his comrades. The only way for a human to travel to where the Ungapi was, was
to go through troll valley. These are no ordinary trolls; they were
ultra-super-mega trolls. They could speak clearly, fly, and shoot lazers. You
know it’s serious if lasers is spelled wrong. The only way to defeat a troll
was to make the Troll commit suicide. Then suddenly a crowd of Gypsies
attacked. Englord had a plan. He took a rock and wrote Smaw on it so they
thought he was smaw (Not the god or tool). He took out the only food he had that
was a jumble of grapes. He tied them to a string, and then he created a
makeshift sleigh. Then he attached the Gypsies to the sleigh, and they
descended into the Troll valley. Englord had to cover his ears because the
Gypsies were yelling
“BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
LA CASA DA SMAW!” That was the great Troll catastrophe of 1735. He then
slaughtered all the Gypsies through poison grapes. Suddenly he saw the leg of
his friend Shiploch on the Valley bed. It was a highly detailed artificial leg
from the renaissance era. Leonardo da Vinci originally carved it, but the
history books won’t tell you that he did. Knowing that it was his friends and
probably had a good cash value as well, Englord swiped the leg from the ground.

Back in the real world,
Englord stopped using his brain, and started his fire. He had no logs left, and
tossed in the leg. He had no shelter except an over hanging rock a statue of
smaw, his Smaw rock, and his backpack. In his dream the story began again.

He converted his sleigh into
a canoe and ventured down the river at the end of the valley. Then he came
across the Duckman of the sky. The Duckman of the sky has a relation to the
Ungapi. He is the Ungapi’s twin brother. He has one weakness, the Gooseman of
the Sky, his triplet, and his Quadruplet, the birdman of the Sea. They all
shoot down ships and aircrafts like the one the one guy who did that one thing
back in the seventies was on. He grabbed the mega-matrix and shot him around
the world in an eastward direction so time sped up for a while. The people who
made Superman copied this idea. During the time jump, Englord found his way to
the end of the river. He also wrote a mathematical equation explain what had
just happen. Then another clue appeared. FoShizle’s “Gri’le” was on the ground.
He also picked it up because it could have an equally good cash value as the
leg. “Craw, Craw, Blaw” called the Gypsy bird. It was given this name because
it was equally as annoying as a Gypsy was. Englord had a pleasant supper of
Gypsy bird that night. The next day he had to begin climbing to get higher on
the mountain. He had actually lost elevation since he had last seen his
friends. Then he smelled a distinct odor, yes, Glorbenschmitz, the Ungapi’s pet
bird. Then he heard a familiar voice, it was Zorrerrer. His ghost had been
following him the whole way of his journey. He picked up Englord and lifted him
to the next closest cliff. He could see his friends in the distance. They had
been tied up a hung from a cliff.

Englord awoke to a traveling
group of thieves that captured him. They took him to their layer in the Faunxe
Cave. The leader of this group was Alough. He was arrested for stealing two
carriages, killing the Morshlore family, grand theft horse, and blowing up a
church. After he was arrested he was sentenced to death. The day before he was
set to be killed, he realized his cell-mate was a Gypsy. So he was able to use
the Gypsy to bust down the cell wall.
The Gypsy made every prison guard die off. He let the prisoners leave
and later joined his gang. He still has that same Gypsy. It’s chained up to
Alough’s carriage that he had previously stolen. That Gypsy has evolved. He no
longer desires to worship a stupid rock that has 21 different meanings, he can
speak clearly, and he is quite intelligent. He can not return to his regular
life as a Gypsy because he is technically a fugitive. He is currently trying to
find out how to defeat the evil Alough. He locked Englord in a cell with The
Gypsy.

“Pssssss, can you keep a
secret? I have been locked in this cage ever since my brain age evolved. I need
to escape. Alough doesn’t known that I can talk so quiet. Can you keep a secret?”said
the Gypsy.

“All right, I’ll try to keep
my mouth shut, but I can’t go up against Alough alone. I’ll need your help,”
Said Englord.

“Its fine, I know some
people who would like to rise above the commanding rule of Alough.” Answered
the Gypsy.

The next day, when the henchmen
of Alough came to feed the prisoners. They bargained a deal. The plan was to
bust the two out of the cell then sneak to the south patrol tower.  By then the guards would have known they had
escaped. Then they would run to the north patrol tower because that is closer
to the cave opening. Then Englord would climb up to the top of the tower with
the rest of the crew. The gang would never suspect that the two guards were in
cahoots with the prisoners. Then at night, the two henchmen of Alough, Englord,
and the Gypsy would escape. The plan followed out except that Alough grew
suspicious of the guards since they were the last two to see the two prisoners.
Alough followed them to a wall in the valley. He drew his knife and charged at
Englord Isle. Alough had quite a bounty on his head. Englord took out the
Onochrome and it shot. It wasn’t like when he attacked other enemies with it,
instead Alough melted into a puddle of goo. His last words were “Bountah
ONOCHROME!” Then the mega-matrix began to blink red, yellow, blue, orange, red,
red, green, purple, and turquoise. This gave him a flashback to when he saw his
friends. The Ungapi was there with the opposite weapon to the Onochrome. It
flashed into the same pattern.

He was looking at them for
long; they had been attached to a dragon carrying them to the Ungapi’s
hideout.  That was the Ungapi’s dragon,
Patrick, who had a dark past. Patrick was a drinker, and he bothered all of his
family and friends. Then he found the guiding spirit of the Ungapi. Now his
life is worse because even though Patrick is much bigger than the Ungapi, he
still fears him. Englord had a new direction to go, to the Ungapi’s hideout,
Gaazzalahe could wait. His hideout was at least 200 miles away plus what ever
obstacles came his way. For anyone in that day and age, that was walking
distance. There was a steep cliff he had to shimmy down, and then there was
another cliff he had to shimmy up. Eventually he made it to a small town. This
was the town of Ermalermpa. It was named after Charlortoinio Mawnfawndererer
Cascadointopinto Ermalermpa-Malskarniontion Esquire, he was famous for um……..
uh ………. Um………. I guess he really never did anything that important but that’s
not my point. Maybe it was Fransininintoinmointo Lee Impailerrcannabullraypissedeeville
Maskeddmurdererrcriminaleksconn
Ermalermpa-Killurcraizeehorribullauntagonistgraivdiggur Esquire. So anyway,
Englord went to Ermalermpa, but Ermalermpa had a horrible secret. The secret is
that Ermalermpa is the home of Shosh ta zulu. He was an evil, evil goat. Also
he would steal all the candy and sweets from stores so children had a bitter
sad childhood. The only one who was close to killing him was Tom, the janitor.
He took out a rock and beat him to a pulp, but that only made him stronger.
Also he has a pet zebra-lion named Charles Dickens (not the writer). Englord
walked down a long road with empty buildings.

“Bogga-Wogga-Willi!” yelled
Shosh ta zulu as he wacked Englord Isle in the face.“Boogity Boogity bill you
better leave my city.”

“NEVER!” yelled Englord Isle
and he took his Mega-Matrix and shot Shosh ta Zulu in the chest. It didn’t kill
him, it only ripped his torso in half.

“What the hell man, I was
only going to ask you why everyone hates me.” Said Shosh ta zulu. It was the
right decision telling that Shosh ta Zulu was the worst liar in all of
Ermalermpa. Then Englord cut Shosh ta Zulu’s head off and ate it savoring each
bite of flesh he ripped out and tore apart with his teeth. All the towns’ folk
ran out of hiding hugging Englord. One lady even kissed him. The Mayor, Mayor
Mick Chiez gave Englord a sandwich, and one ring to accompany him. It connected
to the Mega-Matrix. Now it was more efficient to get out. The way out the city
was very easy. Englord went down the slipin’ slide into the plains of popoppy.
There was an abundance of supplies such as tobacco, corn, and prairie
pineapple. Then Englord found a clue. It was droppings from Patrick, and the
Ungapi. The Ungapi’s was much larger. It lead him to a shack with blood oozing
out of the bottom of it. Inside was the rotting corpse of FoShizle. FoShizle
was choked by Shiploches’ amputated hand. The sad thing was that, Shiploch had
one real hand. The other was a hook.

Englord woke up. He was in a
hospital. When the Mega-Matrix was flashing colors, he passed out. The doctor
said he was lucky to be alive. He had chicken pox. The Onochrome gave him
chicken pox. Englord had no money, so ripped out one of his own teeth to pay
the doctor. His mouth was gushing out blood. Then he had another ironic
flashback.

FoShizle had blood steaming
out of his mouth faster than an Olympic runner. He poured the blood into a cup,
to give to FoShizle’s family. He saw a path a debris leading to Patrick. He
started to trek down the path, and then he was suddenly attacked. A flock of
flying pigs attacked him. His Onochrome shot out at the pigs in rapid fire. He
ran without stopping for 29 miles. Patrick was not far from here. He saw him
and the Ungapi in the distance. He grabbed two flying pigs or Orvels and rode
them to the Ungapi. He landed at the mountain. The Mega Sword was stuck in a
rock, and Englord pulled it out acting like a total Bad Ass. The Ungapi reached
for his sword but pulled out his cane instead. He stabbed the Ungapi in the
throat. He didn’t die but he was flailing around on the floor like an
electrocuted fish. He cut down Shiploch and he slapped Englord.

“You want the treasure and
immortality you shorshbogen (A swear word no longer in use) You want his blood.”
Said Shiploch. He cut off the Ungapi’s robot hand and put it on his stub.

“You’re making a mistake”
said Englord. Shiploch teleported to Gaazzalahe peak. He had gone all that way
for nothing. He could never save Shiploch in time.

Then he went down the
mountain to where the story originally began.

“Hey Englord wakey, wakey,” Said
Bhyll. Bhyll (or Biohazard Bhyll) was Englord’s cousin. “Man you aintzez
lookin’ mighty fine (yes he has bad grammar).”

“Bhyll why are you here?”
asked Englord.

“Not to steal your kidneys… Unless
I can have them?” said Bhyll. Bhyll was crazy and illegally trafficked organs.

“No,” said Englord as he
shot him and went back to sleep.

In his dreams he saw a
rabbit, a rabbit that was distributing hiding spots to eggs that he carried
around in his basket. “Who are you?” asked Englord.

“I am Ivan J. EasterBunny,
your spirit animal,” said the strange creature.

“Why the hell are you my
spirit animal, we share nothing in common, all you do is hide things for your
own sick doings. I burn trees and create heat. I’m not even a rabbit. Why are
you following me. What could a magical talking human-like rabbit have to tell
me. You creep you should go away so no one has to put up with you. We have
nothing in common, just to reiterate, so get out of my head,” Screamed Englord.

“Alright maybe I wont tell
you where to find the edible candy bean like treats I hid all around your
head,” said Ivan.

“It’s my head I can find
them and create hundreds of them if I really wanted to. Isn’t it your intension
for me to go looking for them. I can even kill you off if I really wanted to.”
Said Englord.

“Fine I’ll leave but mark my
words, Shiploch is ***EVIL*** and
in general is a horrible person,” said Ivan.

“How do you know?” asked
Englord.

“I’m magical,” said Ivan.

Then Ivan slowly began to
swallow himself until he traveled to the universe Q2 where people from the
imagination were real. When Englord woke up he had no more chicken pox. He left
the medical shack to go to Gaazzalahe peak. There was no easy way to get there
anymore. The only way to get there was to travel on horseback, but Englord lost
his horse license for drunk riding. When he was running there he encountered
his arch enemy, Ench le French. He was a French explorer who also wanted to
climb Gaazzalahe peak. He met Englord for the first time in England where
Englord was originally from. When Englord went out to explore the seas for new
land he had him thrown in jail. That is where he met Alough.

“Englord Isle my arch enemy
I’ll kill you in vengeance of paolkin,” said Le French. Oh yeah apparently I
skipped the part where Englord killed Ench Le French’s chicken for throwing him
in jail.

“No you will die Le French,”
yelled Englord as he shot him with the Onochrome. Le French had been carrying a
deadlier weapon called the Duochrome which shot two lasers. I connected to the
Onochrome creating the Triochrome. Le French died the way he lived, in a pool
of his own blood.

As it got later, Englord
built a tent of 37 jack rabbit furs he had picked up from Le French. As it got
later he realized how lucky he is. If he discovers Gaazzalahe, he could be
famous, rich, and immortal, but Englord didn’t want those things, or at least
he thought he didn’t. Shiploch had been getting to his lately when he said
Gaazzalahe could do all those things. The longer he thought about it, the more
he longed for it. Englord had a horrible life. Because of Le French society
hated him. The only friends he had were FoShizle, Shiploch, Zorrerrer,
Shwarterzaparp.  Englord only fell in
love once. He never knew her name, but he knew her. When he told Le French, he
sent her out to live in the colony. The only letter he got from her told her
she was getting married. This was the only thing Englord had to live for. If he
couldn’t do this, he’d have nothing left. Englord never even had a home, he
just stayed with FoShizle. Would Englord even want to be immortal? Would he
just live long enough for his life to fail? Would he just be waiting for the
next French guy to screw him over. He didn’t care anymore. He was almost
certain that Shiploch had already gained immortality, wealth and a good life.
Besides he didn’t even know how he would get there. He sure as hell couldn’t
run. He couldn’t even ride his horse. Englord drifted off into a deep sleep
when he was woken up to a peculiar sight. Patrick the Ungapi’s dragon had come
to see him. He didn’t eat him or kill him just to talk to him.

“Englord hurry, you’re
friend Shiploch is about to receive immortality,” said Patrick.

“So let him,” said Englord,
“besides he’s not even my friend anymore.”

“Don’t listen to a fictional
Easter Bunny listen to me, he will go insane,” said Patrick

“Why should I listen to you,
you work for the Ungapi, he tries to kill me,” responded Englord.

“Not anymore, I took his
arm, I killed him, and I threw him to the sky …. Then I ate him,” said Patrick.

“Alright but if you swallow
me I will shoot you,” said Englord.

“Alright, if that’s what
takes, get on I’ll fly you there,” said Patrick.

“Good. Say how did you know
I talked to the Easter Bunny?” asked Englord.

“He talks to me too,” said
Patrick. The flight there only took five minutes, but to Englord it seemed like
a day. He thought more and more about what he’d do with his immortality and
magic, but he didn’t want the magic and immortality. Actually, the more he
thought about it (not Phil Collins) the more he started to second guess his
first decision to not gain immortality. Then when he didn’t think about it, he
felt like he was about to cry. He also thought about Shiploch, and if he really
was evil. He had never been harmful or threatening toward the group or even
made fun of anyone. He had never even been to jail of Englord’s knowing or been
involved with a crime. He was real smart and did as he was told, and never
complained about anything. He was an optimist and always had hope. He even
employed Englord when no other place would. He had rules they had to follow but
never strictly enforced them. He only got angry at FoShizle. Maybe he was just
going mad because of all the potential power he could receive. Like he really
didn’t want to gain immortality, but felt urged to do so. Like Englord. He
never wanted power, he just liked exploring and conquering land and not
immortality. He took his knife and cut himself in the arm. That was the only
way to stop thinking about immortality. By the time Patrick had landed at
Gaazzalahe peak those urges started up again.

“I can fight Englord. I know
that the Ungapi is horrible and Evil but he is still my friend. I know to you
this might seem like I’m betraying you, but you know when to save a friend
don’t you,” said Patrick.

“I told you Patrick Shiploch
is not my friend!” said Englord.

“Then why are you here?”
asked Patrick.

“For the IMMORTALITY!”
yelled Englord. He had just realized what had done. “No Patrick, I didn’t mean,
something is urging me to want immortality, but I don’t really seem to want it.
Can you help me?” said Englord.

“Fine, I’ll be hear call for
me if you need my help, I realized that the only reason I was friends with
Gaazzalahe was because I was following the Ungapi’s orders. I’m not much of a
fighter, but you have my word,” said Patrick. When Englord made it to the top
of Gaazzalahe peak, he saw Shiploch lying on the floor almost dead. Then he
heard Gaazzalahe talking.

“Once I revive you to full
health, you will gain my powers and we can rule the world side by side. I never
had a partner in evil. I could have became friends with It, but we didn’t share
the same beliefs. You will become as powerful as me maybe even stronger. Think
you’re life could be perfect. You finally would become rich. You could
rearrange time so that you discovered the self called “New World” that Columbus
discovered. You could even kill Englord Isle. It wouldn’t be an easy job, but
you hate Englord. He stands in front of all your future dreams and aspirations.
You want all those things to come true, don’t you … well Englord doesn’t. In
fact, he hates you, I could smell it inside of him. With Englord gone, there
will be nothing stopping anyone from complete world domination. Why do you
thing I created Le French, to be Englord’s best pal, no. To you and me Englord
Isle is Evil. Think about it, Englord is a convict and you are a clean
respectable man. If you thing about it, it’s almost a crime not to kill him.
Englord hates me and I am you’re mentor. Will you betray me or kill your
horrible convict “friend” who despises you with every bone in his body. The
difference between you’re life, and his death is only one word away. Need some
more time to think? I know how you feel, I had to decide between keeping you or
killing you. Like you I had to find all the pros and cons about you being my
terror associate, as you might call it. Think about it, money, power, girls,
magic, immortality, and no Englord Isle. You would finally be happy, and so
would I. The only person who wouldn’t be happy would be Englord Isle and that
wouldn’t be fare for him to be happy and us not. The poor bastard is probably
trying to find us right now. His tiny little human brain can’t comprehend how
to get up a mountain. Besides, he’s only a pathetic, stupid lumber boy and
nothing else. Hurry, times running out for an answer. So where was I, oh yeah
Englord is pathetic. If you join me I can make you smarter, and more
attractive. All your longest desires will come true. Don’t worry Englord is far
from here. You can snap him like a twig. Seeing Englord die would be blissful
for you. Besides you could even marry his love interest that left him because
he was too late to pop the question. You could destroy the whole damn planet
for all you care. All you would have to say is three simple letters y-e-s.
Think about this, if you say no, I will kill you. Would you really risk your
life for Englord’s, even though he hates you with all of his well being. You
could be anything you wanted to be, or you stay in your life you have right now
where you have to be a follower instead of a leader and never stand out from
the crowd. If you say yes you wouldn’t be a nobody you would actually matter
and no one would treat you like trash. It would almost be stupid to say no
because let’s face it, Zorrerrer and   Shwarterzaparp were the only employees you
actually cared about. Oh times up so what do you say Shiploch, right, of course
I’m right, is it YES or NO,” said Gaazzalahe.

Before Shiploch responded
time slowed down in Englord’s mind. First he couldn’t digest that Shiploch
could believe this. He had known the man for six years. He had even said he was
like the son he’s never had. Then this dumb idiot comes bumbling along and
spews out a long stream of lies to get Englord killed. So he acted before he
thought. He jumped out from the rock he was hiding behind and shot at
Gaazzalahe.

“Well, well, well, look what
figured out how to climb a mountain,” said Gaazzalahe.

“SHUT UP. I’ve been here for
a long time and I heard your little speech you gave to Shiploch, and Shiploch
those are all untruthful lies,” said Englord.

“What’s that, the
Onochrome?”said Gaazzalahe.

“No it’s the Triochrome,”
replied Englord as he shot him in the face again. He didn’t die but he passed
out from the pain. Then he ran over to Shiploch.

“Shiploch, are you all
right? Don’t believe Gaazzalahe. Shiploch. Shiploch. Shiploch GET UP!” said
Englord. Suddenly Shiploch got up and attacked him.

“Why should you decide
what’s morally right for me? I can make my own decisions Englord. I know you
hate me. My destiny lies here,” said Shiploch.

“Trust me Shiploch, the
Easter Bunny said so,” replied Englord.

“Seriously, the Easter bunny
is the best thing you can come up with. Did you come up with that on your way
up here? You probably used your tiny human brain,” said Shiploch.

“Alright, first of all, you
are a human so you just mocked your own species. Second, the Easter Bunny is my
spirit animal. And third, don’t do this. Life might not have been fancy or
wealth, but it was still enjoyable. Shiploch, you’re going mad with potential
power. Stop now before you do something you will regret. You’re a good person,”
responded Englord.

“This isn’t your choice
Englord. I wish I never employed you. I’m gaining my Immortality whether you
try to stop me or not,” responded Shiploch.

“No it’s MY IMMORTALITY!”
yelled Englord. He pushed Shiploch down and began beating him. The Shiploch
then got up and threw a rock at Englord. The rock was small so it only knocked
out a few of his teeth but Englord didn’t care. Then Shiploch took his robot
hand and began bashing in Englord’s face. When his hand hurt he stopped hitting
him. Englord still had enough energy to call Patrick, but he didn’t. He grabbed
Shiploches’ neck and banged his head on a rock. Then Shiploch dug up some dirt
and jammed it in Englord’s mouth causing him to choke. He kicked Englord off
the edge. He was hanging on by a thread. Shiploch stomped on Englord’s hand as
he began to slip. One drop of blood from Englord’s mouth was enough to signal
Patrick. Patrick flew up to the mountain and grabbed Englord with is back legs
and grabbed Shiploch in his front. He then swallowed Shiploch.

“Englord, are alright?”
asked Patrick.

“Yes I’m fine,” replied
Englord.

“Okay now we need to kill
Gaazzalahe, where exactly is he,” said Patrick. Then, ironically, Gaazzalahe
came and scared off Patrick.

“Well, well Englord Isle,
how’s it going? I see you failed attempting to kill me the first time so I
think now one of us will be successful. Let us fight!” Screamed Gaazzalahe.

Englord pulled out his
Triochrome and shot multiple times at Gaazzalahe. He kept coming knowing he was
all evil and magic and stuff. He pinned Englord down.

“Do you know why I wanted
Shiploch to kill you? You are the one chosen by ZorbThon,” said Gaazzalahe. I
just want to take a side note to explain who ZorbThon is the Arch enemy of
Ungapi. He is actually a good, loving, and caring person. He needed to defeat
the Ungapi and Gaazzalahe and possibly It as well. He couldn’t do it (not Phil
Collins) himself so he needed someone who could. He thought of a ridiculous
name on a whim and that name was Englord Isle. Then he realized that Englord
was all ready a person with a ridiculous name. He tried to play it (again not
Phil Collins) so Englord would be oblivious to what he was doing. “You know
Englord, ZorbThon is around right now, but who could he be?” asked Gaazzalahe.

“ME!” yelled Patrick as he
jumped up to push Gaazzalahe into the wall. “Englord, what does it say on your
Triochrome?”

Englord responded “It says ***Thorlaxplayah,***
ans transus e octos w zorthos quezallow si, si Earth e lebette a octoscy clause
attaz e untose cie pluribarsos deyie onochrome,”

“Oh no! It’s going to
happen. What does it say underneath it?” Said Patrick as he held back
Gaazzalahe.

“What do you mean, Phil
Collins? Specify?” asked Englord.

“The text,” replied Patrick.

“Oup,” responded Englord.

“NO, we only have until 6:23
to stop Gaazzalahe,” said Patrick as he was still holding Gaazzalahe.

“Kick his ass, nothing’s
stopping you,” said Englord.

“I WILL NOT DIE HERE TONIGHT
ENGLORD ISLE. I HAVE SAT BY AND SEEN YOU DESTROY MY WORK FOR TOO LONG, AND SAME
GO’S FOR YOU ZORBTHON OR ‘PATRICK’ AS I GUESS YOU CALL YOURSELF NOW!” yelled
Gaazzalahe. He threw Patrick to the ground and pinned him down next a pile of
neon mucus. “You plot to kill me, but in actuality, you were supposed to die.
Shiploch was supposed to rule by my side to help cause evil. I’ve caused every
bad thing that has happened on earth and Mars, Bruno Mars. You, you were
supposed to be dead but then ZorbThon took you under his wing. I tried to
attack your emotions like when your “girl” went away, or when Ench le French
framed you to go to prison. Then you ruined it by getting back on your feet and
killing ench le French. Things have to go a way for a reason, you can’t change
it. You don’t even know me and Shiploch were going to do. We were going to
tease that young kid Larry King, and possibly immortalize him. Tip over the
perfectly vertical tower of Piza. We were going to plant a fake Mayan calendar
so people would think that the world would end in 2012. What a stupid thing to
think. The world won’t end in 2012, that’s stupid. Why would the Mayans know
the key to the future? We were also going to add artifacts at all indigenous
societies that oddities from space visited them and helped build society. Who
would want to see that? That’s also stupid. If it takes a long time to get to
the nearest star, then how did they get here? There’s no life on any other
planet besides Earth and Mars, Bruno Mars. We were going to hurl a huge mass of
biohazard material into the sun. We were going to create David Spade. It
doesn’t get any more evil than that. We were also going to inspire someone
named Nolan to create a movie called Inception, which is going to be really
good, but then, it doesn’t get an Oscar. We created strange lingo like Swagg
and Icy, that doesn’t even refer to the solidness of a liquid. This is also an
Idea, someone who’s name is Jay Leno, and he’s going to screw over some dude
named O’Brien and another dude named Letterman. So I need to kill you,” said
Gaazzalahe. Then he was attacked by an unlikely candidate… Shiploch. He had
crawled out of Patrick’s mouth and realized that Englord was his friend. He
pushed Gaazzalahe into his puddle of neon mucus. He started exploding
instantly. In his last breath he said,
“Morrpzxjnvldfjnvldfjnldfjnvldfjndlfnvjlfnv goat pulp.” It baffled both of
them.

“Englord I’m deeply sorry
for what came over me, but I have to take the place of Gaazzalahe,” said Shiploch.

“Why?” asked Englord.

“It’s the only way,” said
Shiploch.

“It doesn’t have to be that
way Shiploch, everything can go back to the way it was before we trekked up
this peak,” Englord responded.

“Nothing happens for a
reason Englord; things just have to work out. We can have that sense of
accomplishment unless there is a problem to overcome. It’s my destiny, and I
can’t change that. I have to be, Gaazzalahe,” replied Shiploch.

“Could you just do one thing
for me?” asked Englord.

“What?” asked Shiploch.

“Could you bring FoShizle
back to life? I know it’s not a part of his destiny, but I’m kind of screwed if
I have to pay the whole rent,” asked Englord.

“No,” Shiploch said as he
left.

“Well, that sucks,” said
Englord knowing he have to climb back down. Nine days later, Englord made it
back down. A young journalist hungering for a story asked Englord if Gaazzalahe
peak was climbable. Then Englord told him the whole story. He was given lots of
recognition for that story and became famous. It was published into a book that
he got all the credit for. Englord got none. So he attempted to kill him, and
succeeded. He needed to start a new life. He decided to take the name of the
journalist as a pen name. That guy’s name was Ernisburgburger McBoroughsburg.
He still lives today

###

## Holidays

### Phonshiz

Once upon a Phonshiz, the legendary Arse Face mcpoodle arrive. He is the equivalence to
Santa Claus or the Cuanza cactus. He made sure kids didn’t depend on some
strange man from the mall who delivers them presents down a shaft that probably
have hidden narcotics inside. No one likes Arse face Mcpoodle, so each year
every family keeps out the Phonshiz 12 gauge above the mantle. They also leave
out poisonous cookies that contain shards of glass, LSD, wire, turtle, and
rocks. He drives a busted up red mustang that is attached with jumper cables to
genetically engineered Reign deer. The cables made the deer become partially
cartooned and have the ability to do anything. Also the oldest of the oldest
men of the family hang up their stanky socks. Putting them by the fire allowed
the natural stench to rise into the night creating green house gases that melt
the polar ice caps to destroy his layer in the South Pole. He hides there to absorb
the magnetic fields to power his Mustang. Then there is the tree. The whole
concept of the tree was to annoy the Arse face Mcpoodle. Also the arse face
Mcpoodle his very STUPID. If you sleep, he believes that you’re dead.
So, lock your doors and keep out the 12 gauge, and have a Happy Phonshiz.  The ARSE Face Mcpoodle also has a thing for
elves and penguins. If you happen to work at the zoo request to buy a penguin
and tape a bomb to it.  When he tries to
get it on with the penguin, the bomb will go off.