Fake TPOT 47b: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner/part 2

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
*Information about the episode to which this segment belongs can be found at "**Pencil? Two? Oh.**".*

Click **here** to return to the previous part.

"**Guess Who's Coming to Dinner**" is the second segment of the forty-seventh episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 13 October 1989. Since TPOT 2 has already been released, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

This is also the second-to-last episode of *Fake TPOT*.

Next episode: "Soon As We May"

## Saturday evening, *26 August 1989*

### **Living room** – 6:57 p.m.

**Scene**Continued from the previous scene.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Grandma, Grandpa, did you learn anything new today?
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: We sure did. For starters, your city's Beth Am needs to be spruced up.
* **Ma****tch**: Mom, you went to temple?
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: What, you don't?

[*Match laughs awkwardly.*]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: She likes to have another watching over her for double security, especially on nights like this.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): I used to do the same thing. Then I bought my very own stick-on-cap mirror! [*giggles*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Kat, you're not worried about seeing my parents, are you?
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: As the kids say now, "As if!"
* **Y****es****a**: [*Aside.*] There goes that phrase.
* **P****en**: Well, guys, I think it's time I told you the truth: Pencil's mom and dad are awesome.

[*As Pen talks, wood-cutting sounds can be heard from the roof, and the outline of a triangle emerges.*]

* **P****en**: Maybe even more awesome than the last time you met 'em. You mustn't be scared or anything!

[*A large triangular piece of the roof quickly falls down, creating a lot of dust and breaking the coffee table in the living room. All cry out in surprise—Pen shrieks as he jumps into Pencil's arms.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: *What the hell?*
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Look, it's the sky!

[*All look at the ceiling, where indeed a triangular piece of the ceiling is missing, revealing the night sky.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): The sky? Look at the floor!
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: My goodness, it's dusty.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, honey, get a grip. You're a quivering mess.
* **P****en**: N- no, I'm not!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*walking over*] Aeh, it's no cause for concern. Only the mark of...

[*When the dust settles, we finally see who made that mark and carved the hole through the roof: none other than* **Colonel Triangle Kigera** *(Pencil's father). Below him is* **Estigua Elisabete Carvalho Triángolo Kigera** *(Pencil's mother). They struggle to get up.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Maínha! Dad!
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: You really need a softer surface in here.
* **Estigua**: *Ai, diz o cara que insiste que a senhora caia primeiro.*
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Sorry, my love.

[*Triangle looks up to see fifteen people looking at him.*]

* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Who the hell are these people?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): [*Aside.*] Swearing time!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Daddy, I told you I'd be having Pen's family over for dinner.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Yes, but I did not expect it to be so early! Who arranges a dinner at 1500 hours?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Never mind that. I'm just glad you're here in our flat!
* **P****en**: Or *into* it.

[*Pencil drops Pen on the ground, maybe accidentally. He gets up.*]

* **P****en**: Ah, I'm just kiddin'. How ya doin', Colonel, Mrs. T?

[*Pen shakes Triangle's foot (as he would as though the latter had arms).*]

* **Estigua**: [*waves*] *Olá.*
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: It is a pleasure to see you again, Schreiber, you and your parents. [*waves at Kat and Ari*] And your sister. [*waves at Match*]
* **P****en**: Don't forget your new grandchildren!
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: What, Agathe's having more?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, Daddy, *our* children. They've got something to say to you.

[*Pencil raises her arms again.*]

* **Kids**: ***Shikamoo and boa noite!***
* **Estigua**: *Oh, que adorável!*
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: *Marahaba.*
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): [*steps up*] Guka.

[*Beat.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): That's what my phrasebook tells me to call you, grandfather dearest.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Man, what a suck-up! [*Pencil covers his mouth.*]
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Why do you not just call me Grandpa?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: [*raises his hand lightly*] Already taken, sorry.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: [*gives Ari a dirty look*] Then call me Guka.
* **Estigua**: *E eu posso ser sua avó, não, vovó!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: She wants you to call her Vovó.
* **Ma****tch**: Vovó, Guka, Bubbe, Nonno... Omg, is this, like, the UN Headquarters? I feel *so* international! [*Silence.*] I'll never speak again.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Pencil, we have a gift for your house. For you, in particular.

[*The kids gasp with excitement. Estigua hands Pencil* *a* *box, which* *Pencil opens. She* *takes out a flamethrower. Soni exspectati.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Wow, a flamethrower!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): This is awesome, I can use it on all my worst enemies!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): No, it's mine! What if I need my tip dried in the fastest way possible?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: [*Aside.*] No way they'd let us take that on the plane.
* **Y****es****a**: On behalf of all of us, Guka, Vovó, thanks heaps.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: You are very welcome. But remember: this is mainly for your mother.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Dad, what shall I do with a flamethrower?
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Use it to protect you. I do not like the idea of my daughter going out without something to keep her safe from strangers, do you, Essie?
* **Estigua**: *Não.*
* **P****en**: Aw, c'mon, chief, I'm good enough to protect Pencil.

[*Pen puts his arm around Triangle.*]

* **P****en**: Did you know I spent last winter training to be a real guard dog?
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: [*Aside.*] Ah, so if he starts acting like a bitch at dinner, now we'll know why.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Is this true, *mwanangu*?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, yes. He does protect me, but I do him the same. We both protect the kids, not that they aren't strong enough to do it themselves with what they've been through. No, in this flat, nobody dominates over the other.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: How equal.

[*Awkward silence.*]

* **Estigua**: *Muito legal.*
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): But can we still keep the flamethrower?
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Yes, little one with a name that I do not know.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, that's right; I've still not introduced them all yet. Let's see: the eldest girl, that's Yesa...
* **Y****es****a**: Hi!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Then there's Michaelangelo, whom you can call Lou...

[*Fade to the next scene.*]

### **Kitchen**

**Scene**Fade to just before dinner. Just as Pencil requested, everyone is sat in their assigned places, as on the board shown earlier, which has now been thrown outside the building (and can be seen in the window). All talk at the same time while **Pencil** and **Pen** quickly embrace before heading to the opposite sides of the table as custom dictates.
#### 7:15 p.m.

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Whoopee, the food's ready!
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Get me some, Lewis!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): [*getting up*] I'll get there first!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Chil-*dren!* Before we get to dinner, my father is giving tonight's non-denominational toast. Dad?
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Thank you, my girl.

[*Triangle begins to climb onto the table and clears his throat.*]

* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: In lieu of a prayer, I shall begin this meal with a poem that I wrote with the moral support from my wife. It was inspired by a work of anti-colonialist literature, which in turn was inspired by a poem written many decades earlier. I call it... "Writing for the Barbarians".

[*Ari (a writing instrument) gives Triangle a look of suspicion. Pencil notices this and starts to climb onto the table.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: No-no-no. Daddy...
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Pencil, why do you stand up here?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, everybody, I'm afraid the toast is cancelled.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Something I have not said yet is cancelled?
* **Estigua**: *Minha filha, está ofendida em nome dos outros?*
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, no, I'm not offended. Dad's got plenty more opportunities to express himself tonight, that's all.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, Penc-penc, you sound like Mud-on-a.

[*Silence.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Match, why don't you help me get the dinner out?
* **Ma****tch**: Oh no. I'll do it all by my, like, self. You've done enough today!
* **P****e****nci****l**: One reason why you're my best friend in the whole universe.
* **Ma****tch**: And much more!

[*Match gets up and heads to the counter to grab the platter.*]

* **Y****es****a**: That was faker than Milli Vanilli.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Milli Vanilli seem real to me.
* **Y****es****a**: They lip-sync at amusement parks.
* **Estigua**: *Eh, Penélope?*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye? Oh, you must have heard a little spat somewhere. Not here. No, we all get on fine, ask anybody.

[**Match** *returns to the table, carrying a platter of food covered by a cloche.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, peoples, look!
* **P****en**: Eyy, the dinner!
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: My daughter, serving food in the shadow of a dress. Amazing how little you've changed since 1960, dear.
* **Ma****tch**: Thank thank!
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Wow, I've never seen a dish covered like this outside the pictures.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, Ari, we bought it just for the occasion.
* **Ma****tch**: Eat up, everyone!

[*Match dramatically removes the cloche from the platter, and everyone else gasps. Close-up of the very strange meal: a very large dish of what looks like a combination of several things, but not a single component can be named. Basically, it's the culinary version of that AI-generated image that became a meme. On the outside are some familiar foods, which Pencil explains.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Tonight's special comes from Match, who ordered this, er, wondrous thing before you all got here. Orbiting it are mandazi, collard greens, smoked sausage and, for Azza, some eggs of the haminado persuasion.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Terrific! I thank you, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And chai for later. I forgot to mention that, sorry.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Tea, how grand. The drink of the nation.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: By the way, I've a question for the hostess.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ask away. I've prepared 2,764 answers to the most likely questions any of you will ask tonight. [*Beat.*] I feel like Roboty if he weren't married to the concept of mathematics.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: [*points at the food*] What the heck is this?

[*Pencil draws a blank.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Don't worry, Ari-stiletto, I got this. This, peoples, is a prime example of computer-generated food, which is, like, totally the Q-zeen of the '90s. Yeah, I got it at Eigh-Aigh's, this new place down in the city. I simply gave an order to the robots working there, and they just made it specially for me!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What did you say?
* **Ma****tch**: "The most delicious food, like, ever, and it's based on the, like, best foods that the families of me, my brother and my best friend in the whole, like, universe could ever, like, think of!" [*Beat.*] "Photograph."

[*Light chatter of confusion.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: You must admit it does look delicious. Whatever it should be. Dig in, everybody, before it gets cold... if things like this do that. /j

[*All do so. Fade to the next scene.*]

#### 7:27 p.m.

[*Scene: A few minutes later, the food is no longer on the plate table-centre. Some, especially the kids, have moved on to the side dishes. View of the kids' table:* **Sam** *looks tense—he sighs, and* **Lou** *(who has been feeding* **Sonny** *next to him) comes to attention.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): You good, Sam?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Aeh.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): You sure? You haven't even touched the smoked sausage, and that's your favourite!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): I guess it's 'cause I don't feel like eating.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Better not let Mum hear that. When we break a rule, she gets cross, and when she gets cross, so does the whole world!

[*Sam takes a tiny bite out of the sausage.*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): See? I'm eating.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Sam, be a man and get some more.

[*Lou gives Solo a death glare before turning to Sam.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Hey, it's scientifically proven that eating makes you stronger.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): So?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Stronger. Get it? [*raises his fist*]
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Ohh! Stronger!

[*Meanwhile, at the adults' table.*]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Kasia... [*nudges her*] What's up, dear?
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Eh?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: You're spacing out. You look like Eraser when he got introduced to that green stuff.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: You remember when I first started adding vegetables to his diet?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: That's not what I me... never mind.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: I was just looking at that sign, Tel, the one way in the back.

[*She points at Pen's sign, which the kids hung on the wall first. It is very much dwarfed by the huge "Welcome Grandparents" that Pencil told the kids to put up later.*]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: They did a good job. Even put the accent marks over the ω and η like the good Greek boys and girls they are.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Well, you wear glasses. I must have a second opinion. [*pats Match on the shoulder, hoping that she'll do the same to Pencil*] Hey, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, Kat?
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: If you asked me, I'd place the two welcome signs at equal distance from each other so it doesn't look like you have a preference.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, I like you both, really, but... I fancy I like my family a bit more.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Mm.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*thinking*] *Damn it, she hates me!*

[*She looks over at Triangle, who is showing Max and Ivor something on his YeFone. They all laugh quietly.*]

* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Wow, that's so hilar!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Daddy, you're not using a YeFone at the table, are you? What would Mum say about your being distracted?
* **Estigua**: *Ele só não consegue largar os velhos modismos.*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, it is amazing how he refuses to drop old trends.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: I'm sorry, *mwanangu*, I was just showing the children something that happened last night.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What is it? Another war ended with a time-out whistle?

[*Triangle shows Pencil his phone. She looks at it in shock.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Omg.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Do you read it? Some of my men caught a foreigner crossing the border into Tanzania with nothing but a bag of California raisins.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): They refuse to give his name, so it could be anyone. Maybe even a person in this room! [*winks*]
* **P****en**: Alright, it was me!

[*Pencil fake-gasps. The younger kids look briefly at her before continuing to talk among themselves.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: You mean somebody as grounded as *you* could do a thing like that? *Eu suspiro; ninatweta*... I gasp!
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Pencil, you're acting as if you haven't gotten to know our Ben. Don't tell me you're actually shocked, eh?

[*Pencil mouths "No" at him.*]

* **P****en**: That's right, guys, I had the faded grapes.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: That's not funny. Perhaps I should expect some *mzungu* missionary with nothing but the Scriptures to find himself in such raisin-related antics, but not the man who courts my daughter.
* **P****en**: Well, sir, I have a perfectly good explanation.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: And I should like to hear it, Schreiber. Why would you do such a thing?
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: You must be new to the "Pen experience".
* **P****en**: Y'see... it all started in a past life.

[*Pencil groans and facepalms.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, you're not going to mention that again, are you?
* **Y****es****a**: Mention what?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yesa, whenever your dad meets my dad, he makes it a point to remind him that he was a great military man in a past life.
* **P****en**: It's true; I really believe it! I must have been a general or somethin', 'cause I had the coolest uniform.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: The only time he said nothing of it was in early 1968, when he turned all hippy.
* **P****en**: That was a phase!
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Mr. Graffeo, surely you disapprove of your son's telling fables, don't you?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Like the modern kids say, "Oh, fer shore!"
* **Y****es****a**: [*Aside.*] Another thing I'll never repeat again.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: I mean, I didn't serve two years off the coast of France so Benny can call himself a warmonger.
* **P****en**: Yeah, buddy. Give peace a chance!

[*Pencil laughs quietly.*]

* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Schreiber, since we speak of you, could you do me a favour and change seats with the son that looks most like you?
* **P****en**: You mean Louie? But he's sitting at the kids' table!

[*Silence.*]

* **P****en**: [*realizing*] Oohhhhh. [*salutes him*] At your service, Colonel T. [*thinking*] *Darn it, he hates me!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: You don't have to do that!
* **P****en**: Yeah, but I think I'll have more fun eating with the little ones. Just a hunch.

[*Meanwhile, at the kids' table,* **Sam** *has just finished eating.*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Done!
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Nice. Still hungry?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Eh. Sure feel strong, though! [*flexes his arm, imitating Pen*] Bam!

[*The other kids laugh.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Steady on, Sam. You act like that at my age and people'll call you little freakazoid.

[*Enter* **Pen** *with his tray. The kids greet him.*]

* **P****en**: Hiya, gang! Lou, you're needed at the big table.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): What, Dad, am I in trouble?
* **P****en**: No, your mom just wants you to sit next to your grandpa.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): She must have mentioned my inventor-ness.
* **P****en**: Exactly how she said it. Sure you can handle the grown-ups, kiddo?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): [*going*] Of course I can, I'm twenty! [*chuckles*]

[**Lou** *goes over to the other table as Pen sits down.*]

* **P****en**: So, how we doin' tonight?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Great...
* **P****en**: Eyy, that's awesome! Hi-five! [*high-fives him*]

[*He leans back with his arms crossed behind his head and almost falls to the floor, but he stops himself.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): You got kicked out of the grown ups' table, didn't you?
* **P****en**: Mm-hmm! Now, who wants to play with their food?
* **Kids**: *Me!*
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Everybody needs a fun parent.

[*Fade to the next scene.*]

#### 7:46 p.m.

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Colonel, eh?
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Huh?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: So that's how you want us to refer to you. I suspected it already, but I didn't want to say anything for fear that I offend you.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: [*very slowly*] Yeeessss. That's me, the Colonel.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Oh. Do you make good hot wings or is that just a myth? /j

[*Match and Yesa laugh.*]

* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: And this is my wife, Mrs. Colonel.
* **Estigua**: [*elbows him*] *Não deixe que me chamem assim; eu tenho um título!* [*to Ari and Kat*] *Como farmacêutica, eu posso ser Doutora.*
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Hmm, from what little Lusitanian I know, you're a pharmacist and we ought to call you *Doutora*.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*gets up—only Yesa notices*] Excuse me for a bit.
* **Ma****tch**: Not me, Ari, I get to call her Essie!
* **Estigua**: *Sim, a gente já é amigas!*
* **Ma****tch**: *Amigas*. That means friends!

[*Near the food-preparing part of the room (the kitchen properly so called),* **Pencil** *and* **Pen** *have an aside moment.*]

* **P****en**: C'mon, babe, we can't make out in front of everyone. Your dad might court-martial me!
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's not what I brought you here for.
* **P****en**: What is it, then? Something rotten on your side of the room?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No. Just wanted to let you know that your people and mine are actually talking. [*jumps up*] Oh, Pen, this could be the great interfamilial thaw I've been waiting for!
* **P****en**: D'aww, I just love seein' ya happy!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I do too. Alright, it's time to go back; I've got "returning to the table" scheduled for 7:50.
* **P****en**: You got it. [*finger guns*]

[*They go back to the tables.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: And just a reminder: it could get rather ugly as soon as somebody brings up one of three *don't*s: religion, jobs or marriage. Luckily, I've still an hour before we get to them.
* **P****en**: You're a great planner.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I know that. /j

[*They laugh—Pencil takes a sip of her drink. By this point, the others have shifted their conversations to the kids at the smaller table.*]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: And we don't even know what religion you guys are!

[*Pencil does a spit-take.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, that's grody.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sorry. [*calling out*] Children, you don't have to answer that question if you don't want to.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Well, personally I don't believe in any religion.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh no...
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): You could call me an atheist.

[*The grandparents politely gasp, as they do after every other remark.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): I'm Hindu.
* **R****h****oza**: And I am a Wiccan.
* **Estigua**: *O que é uma Wiccan?*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Witchcraft, Mum.
* **Estigua**: [*putting her hand over her heart*] *Ó!*
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): I'm a conservationist!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): That's not a religion.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Hey, someone's got to save old clothes from extinction.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Have the rest of you not adopted the faith of either side of your families?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): We've only known them for eight months.
* **Y****es****a**: Yeah, it's not like they totally raised most of us.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Time and again have I proposed that all my brothers and sisters practise a comprehensive, syncretic faith that incorporates the traditions of both our Catholic and Jewish roots, but I have yet to be heeded.

[*Awkward silence.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Let's talk about jobs.

[*Soni exspectati. Fade to the next scene.*]

#### 7:58 p.m.

* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: It does not sound like much in the long run. A medic. Now, that is a job which brings more success. The world needs more surgeons.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Colonel, would you trust this man to perform an operation on you? When he was 19, he said I could change my eye colour just by believing in myself.
* **P****en**: C'mon, guys, a lot of big stars started off in restaurants! You know our very distant relative Tony Pen-ett?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Who's that?
* **P****en**: On second thought, th- there are lots of jobs I can get with my years of contestant-ing. [*gets up*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Going somewhere, are you?
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, are you going to, like, pose as various occupations in front of the bathroom mirror?
* **P****en**: No!

[*Exit* **Pen**.]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: You know the shpiel, Pencil. When Benny says no to something like that...
* **P****e****nci****l**: He means yes; he's just too proud to admit it.

[*Ari nods.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: All that and I still love him.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: How 'bout you, Pencil, didn't you say you were going to be president one day?
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Yes, but she told me about it first.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: I know; I taped the episode.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Gosh, how quickly people remember. Well, that was once a dream of mine, but then... [*about the kids*] they happened. Not that they've not blessed me with the happiest eight months of my life, but I really feel like I'm already the president in my own household, or at least a co-leader. Facts. Why don't we talk about something else?
* **Estigua**: *No quê?*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Like... marriage!
* **Ma****tch**: Omg.

[*Meanwhile, at the kids' table,* **Lou** *makes a quick visit.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Hey, he's gone, he's gone!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Huh?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Who's gone?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Lattice Knight and the Pips, Ita. /s Our dad! Sammy, now's your chance to tell him off! [*points at Solo, who is at the fridge getting food*]
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Uh, I don't think I want to. My mind is at war with itself!
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Come on, he'll just say something to make you real mad and you'll really want to do it, just as he's been doing all night. Just keep at it, huh? I'll be right at the table if you need me, little bro.

[**Lou** *goes back to the table, still in view. The other kids hardly pay this visit any attention. Enter* **Solo**.]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Okay, I'm back, hold your partying, girls.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Hey, Sol.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Eh?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Do you promise to be quiet for twelve whole minutes?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Fine. But when school starts on Monday, you'd better get me someone to do my homework.
* **R****h****oza**: Oh, thank the Triple Goddess, you'll shut up for once.

[*Meanwhile, at the grown-ups' table.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Marriage... *matrimônio... ndoa.* What else can I say, other than that it's a marvellous thing!
* **Ma****tch**: You said it was an outmoded institution that upholds inequality of the, like, sexes. [*giggles*] Omg, that's a funny word.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Cheers, Match, you can be a real help. /s I am perfectly fine with the relationship Pen and I have now, and I'm sure he is too, and the children.
* **Y****es****a**: Yeah, Mum and Dad rock!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): We are very much fans.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And again, we get on very well in this flat.
* **Ma****tch**: You do? What about those two little, like, big problems you got?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Match!
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Problems?
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Tell us, Pencil.

[*Pencil sighs.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Alright. Yesa, you wouldn't mind leaving the room, would you? We might talk about somebody connected to you.
* **Y****es****a**: Mother, I wouldn't leave this seat even if you paid me in Eigh-Aigh food.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Fair enough. Okay. One of my sons has been pretty upset lately, and I don't know why. One night he comes to Pen and me in the middle of the night and tells us he's going to punch the daylights out of of the lad who did him wrong.
* **Ma****tch**: Wait, Penc-penc, you're talking like a blind item. Which son is it?
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's Samar.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Poor boy.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I don't know why he says that, 'cos when you get right down to it, all our children are angels. Even Solo.

[*Sam gets a bit angry.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Ma, maybe you shouldn't—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, nonsense, Lewis, everybody here knows that our Soldaar Vincent is a kind kid at heart and would never, ever say anything bad to *anybody*.

[*Sam suddenly smashes his plate, but because it was on purpose and because he's eight years old, it does not break. About 40% of those present gasp, while the rest react with stunned silence.*]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Aha, now it's a Greek party! /j
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): That's it! *I can't take it any more!*
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Sammy, uh...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Would you watch your volume, please? We've got people with hearing aids here.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): But Mummy, it's Solo! It really is! You should know that he's a thunderberk!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): He's no angel like you said! He's been totally mean to me since Thursday, and it's all because of that dumb baseball practice!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*realizing*] Oh dear...
* **Ma****tch**: I sense fists flying in the, like, future.

[*Solo makes "Mm-mm-mm" noises to defend himself, keeping his promise of silence.*]

* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Samar, my boy, what did he say to you?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): [*looks at the door*] I- I- I don't want to say it now! It might hurt somebody's feelings.

[*Lou nods.*]

* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: That bad, isn't it? Pencil, I think he should take the punch into the lights of day.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Dad!
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Wait, that doesn't seem right; Sam shouldn't punch anyone!
* **Estigua**: *Ele está certo, querido. A gente não deve encorajar a violência.*
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Samar has every right to defend his family's honour.
* **Estigua**: *Lutando contra outro membro?*
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: For once I agree with the Colonel. What Solomon said must be too horrible for words and for that, come what may, he should face justice.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Kat, how could you? You're encouraging these two young men to beat each other up!
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: How else should he release his anger?
* **Estigua**: *E uma coisa ruim!*

[*The grandparents argue, much to the confusion of Pencil, Match, Yesa and the other kids. Sam sits down, almost defeated, while Solo looks rather annoyed. Maxine gets up and gestures to Rhoza.*]

* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): [*going*] Okay, this is getting too much for me. Let's go take a bubble break, Rho.
* **R****h****oza**: Good idea.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Soap in the hidden compartment.
* **R****h****oza**: And the wands.

### **Outside Flat 2**

**Scene**A much quieter scene. **Max** and **Rhoza** sit on the doorstep, on the border between the flat and the outdoor area. They blow bubbles while crickets chirp from outside.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): These bubbles don't grow to the size of people, do they?
* **R****h****oza**: No.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Good, I'd hate to have *more* relationship drama by bringing Bubble to the Fove by accident.
* **Voice**: [*off-screen*] Well, there just might be more drama soon.

[*The girls turn and see* **Jost** *hiding in the bushes.*]

* **R****h****oza**: JvF, you object of ill repute.
* **J****o****s****t**: Hello, Max and Rhonda.
* **R****h****oza**: I'm *Rhoza*. When Yesa named me, she wanted me to sound like a flower, but I said, "Only if you give me an edgy flair. I ain't a BFB has-been!"
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): And thus, Rhoza C.  was born.
* **J****o****s****t**: Uh, can I go in? I promised I'd appear as soon as things got loud, and I haven't heard screaming like that since Yesa and I saw the fifth *Nightmare on Elm S-tree-t*.

[*Silence, except for the noises in the kitchen.*]

* **J****o****s****t**: Never mind, I think I'll stay out here, ha-hi-ha-ho-ha-høœüå.

[*Exit to the other side of the house.*]

* **R****h****oza**: What a weirdo. Oh, hey, it's the Great Square of Pegasus. [*raises her arm to the sky*] You shall be mine!

### **Kitchen**

**Scene**A scene that is a bit more chaotic than usual: **Ari** and **Triangle** argue with each other about violence with **Estigua** taking the former's side; while **Kat** has taken to just going "Aaaaah!" repeatedly. The kids and younger adults take in this scene in shock, not without making quiet comments (Pencil, Match and Yesa talk desperately to each other, hoping to find a quick solution)—meanwhile, Sam has put his head on the table, much upset.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: You do not pretend as if your two sons have not fought before.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Ben and Rase haven't had a brawl since 1957. Isn't that right, dear?

[*Kat nods, still screaming.*]

* **Estigua**: *Ainda bem que só temos um rapaz. Caso contrário, eu não saberia como lidar contigo.*
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*trying to remain calm*] People, I think you're really missing the root cause...
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Will you stay out of this, please? I am a soldier; I know of which I speak!
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: A soldier? A μαλάκα's more like it.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: How dare you call me... [*confused*] an angel?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Daddy, you fought in an armed guerrilla war over thirty years ago. It wasn't a dinner table set-to that don't even look like it'll happen now.

[*Solo shakes his head, actually scared.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, like, can we please calm down?

[*Nobody listens. Enter* **Pen**.]

* **P****en**: Hi, guys! Sorry I took so long; I was getting distracted by how I look in this bow tie, and—hey, what's going on here? Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*mouths "I got it" to Match and springs up*] ***GO TO YOUR ROOM!***

[*Silence. Even Kat stops screaming.*]

* **P****en**: Okay!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Not you. I'm referring to Samar.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): What? Why me?
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Cos none of the people involved in this quarrel live here. Sorry, I shouldn't have said that so loudly.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Well, it doesn't matter now! He's back, and I— uh!

[*Sam runs out of the kitchen in tears.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Erm...
* **P****e****nci****l**: As for you, young man, you're in big trouble, although I don't know to what extent you're in it. Pen, isolate Soldaar Vincent in the girls' room until I found out exactly what the hell's been going on over the last few days.
* **P****en**: Right-o. [*takes Solo's hand*] Come on, S.V.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Damn it!

[*Exeunt.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): [*whispering to Ita*] He broke the silence pact.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): No, it's been twelve minutes.

[*Silence at the adults' table. Triangle is turned away, his arms* *crossed**.*]

* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Sorry for screaming; I tend to do that upon seeing my husband in pointless conflict.

### **Boys' room** – 8:11 p.m.

**Scene****Sam** sits on the lower bunk of the bed by himself, crying. He looks up at the door as he hears **Pen** taking **Solo** to the girls' room (*i.e.*, away from Sam) for a time-out.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): I am not going to the stupid girls' room!
* **P****en**: I'm sorry, but this is what your mother wants! I missed out on everything.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Don't you believe in innocent before guilty? Oh, that's right; you haven't been innocent since swing music died...

[*Sam sighs, hearing the door to the girls' room close.* **Pen** *knocks on the door to the boys' room before coming in.*]

* **P****en**: Hiya.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): I didn't slug him, honest! [*looks at him*] Uh, I mean... I want to be alone. Can you get Lou in here?
* **P****en**: Now, I may not be the brightest bulb in the hardware store, but I can tell ya that's not what "alone" means. You want to talk about it?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Well... I can't say it.
* **P****en**: Sure you can!

[*He sits on the bed, next to Sam.*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): 'Kay, here goes. [*takes a deep breath*] The other day at practice, Solo said something real mean to me, and he's been rotten to everyone ever since!
* **P****en**: What'd he say?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): He said I throw like a girl.

[*Silence.*]

* **P****en**: A girl, eh?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Mm-hmm. Aren't you mad?
* **P****en**: No. Just confused. Why didn't you tell me, Sam?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): 'Cause it was when Coach Lincoln put those headphones on you so you'd talk less. And I thought if I told you the truth it'd hurt your feelings! Lewis, he said... you...
* **P****en**: Ah. I know what you're gettin' at. When I was your age, people always said I threw like a girl.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): What did you do?
* **P****en**: First, I let 'em know I was a boy. It was a little harder for me than it was for most guys.

[*He smiles and pauses.*]

* **P****en**: Maybe that's not the lesson of the day, huh. Well, let me ask you something, pal. How are the girls on the Gerbils? Do they pitch worse than the boys?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): No way. Even Zira throws good, and she doesn't even have arms!
* **P****en**: Right, she can hit 60 mph with just her God-given eyebrows. See, Sam, my point is, if a fella says you throw like a girl, he doesn't know what the heck he's talking about. He might even be jealous.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Really? My brother's jealous of me?
* **P****en**: Of course! Having me as your dad would make anyone feel that way!

[*Beat, as Pen realizes.*]

* **P****en**: Wait, I'm Solo's dad too. A'ight, tell ya what: I'll suspend you-know-who from the team until he treats you guys better.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): You'd do that?
* **P****en**: You betcha.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Thanks, Daddy, you're *awesome!* [*hugs him*]
* **P****en**: Any time, champ. [*finger-guns him and gets up*] Now, what d'ya say we go back to the kitchen?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Okie!

[*Pen lifts Sam up and carries him on his back.*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): So what'll Mummy do when she hears about Solo? [*gasps*] She won't use the flamethrower, will she?
* **P****en**: Nah, she'll just keep him grounded till Britain has a woman prime minister she likes.

[*Exeunt, both laughing.*]

### **Kitchen** – 8:20 p.m.

**Scene**The conversation between the adults has calmed down. The room is much less populated: Max and Rhoza are still not present, nor is Pen, Sol or Sam (as this takes place almost simultaneously with the previous one).
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: On the contrary, it is my cooking that triumphs yours, Doutora.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, Mom, please tell me you're not, like, fighting again.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): No, they've just agreed to a standstill. A cease-fire, if you will.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Just like in Korea.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Mr. Graffeo, how can you know of Korea if you served exclusively in the Second World War?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Ever heard of a newspaper?

[*Pencil rolls her eyes as Match facepalms.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Ugggggggh, when will you peoples, like, stop?
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Never. We of the Greatest Generation do not back down.

[*Ita leaps from her seat.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Whoa-m-g, look out the window!

[*All do so.* **Jost** *(outside) suddenly crouches in the bushes.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*looking out*] Oi, isn't that...
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): It's him, it's him!
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Who are you talking about, darling?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): JvF, Jost Van Femslash!

[*Yesa gasps.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Hey, I saw him too!
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: What is a femslash?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Ooh, ooh, can I tell 'em?
* **Y****es****a**: No way, get your own show!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Jost Van Femslash is Yesa's ♫ be-a-u! ♫

[*The grandparents immediately head to the window; Pencil and Match follow them.*]

* **Y****es****a**: I will donate your cap-painting kit to charity.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): No, anything but that!

[*Pencil and Match go back to the table as the grandparents chatter quietly among themselves.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Having fun there, you four?
* **Estigua**: *Isto é quase tão divertido quanto "Where's Wally"?*
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: We shall not leave this window until we have seen the boy of whom you speak.

[*Enter* **Pen** *and* **Sam**.]

* **P****en**: Hi, guys! [*looks at everyone*] Why do I always walk in at the wildest times?

[*Sam runs over to the kids' table.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Everything alright?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Yeah, S.V.'s in trouble!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I trust you used your dad powers to give him a good punishment.
* **P****en**: Well...
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Mummy, use the flamethrower on Solo until Britain has a woman prime minister!
* **P****e****nci****l**: But they've got one already.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): One you like!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah! I shan't punish him that long. We'll talk about this later; outside there's a scene afoot. Yesa?
* **Y****es****a**: Fine. Mum, Dad, you little gremlins... [*Ita grins proudly*] Everybody else...
* **P****e****nci****l**: You lot can hear her, right?
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: We are listening.
* **Y****es****a**: Well...

[*Yesa gets up and paces around the kitchen, still speaking.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Jost wants me...
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: It's very nice to have someone who wants you, dear.
* **Y****es****a**: Jost wants me to... [*looks at Pencil, who nods at her*] He wants me to have a baby with him, damn it.

[*The grandparents slowly turn their heads away from the window.*]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**, **T****ri****a****ng****le**, **K****a****t****arzyna**, **Estigua**: *What?*
* **Y****es****a**: It's true, he wants to have kids.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*raises her hand*] I was the first one to know about this!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Golly gee whiz, I'm going to be the first fourteen-year-old aunt I know!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Match, why don't you take the children into the living room; reckon there's a *Vacant Nest* rerun or something on.
* **Ma****tch**: 'Kay. [*going*] Move along, peoples. There's, like, nothing to see here.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): [*carrying* **Sonny**] Man, right when we were getting to the good part.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): If it's a girl, I'm calling her Heather; same thing if it's a boy!

[*Exeunt* **Match** *with the* **kids**.]

* **Y****es****a**: You're mad again.

[*Pen looks at Pencil, then back at Yesa.*]

* **P****en**: Yesa, what the heck were you thinking? You can't have kids; th- that'd make me a great grandpa!
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: As the youths say, don't wig out, Benedict. You will merely be a grandpa.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Kat, he means great-*looking* granddad.
* **Y****es****a**: I didn't say *I* wanted kids, people! [*kneels*] O wise elders, how think you of all this?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I think you should stop with the pleading, Yesa; surely they're more shocked than I am.

[*Yesa gets up.*]

* **Y****es****a**: You knew?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Of course I did; I'm your mother. By the way, you're not the best liar in this flat.
* **Y****es****a**: What about you guys? I really need your honest opinions. Should I have kids?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**, **T****ri****a****ng****le**, **K****a****t****arzyna**, **Estigua**: *No. (Não.)*

[*Pause.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Aren't you lot being a bit hard on her?
* **P****en**: Penc, I'm not ready to be a grandpa yet! Not even a foxy one, and that's one of my lifelong goals!
* **P****e****nci****l**: No. I mean, Yesa's 22. She's spent her entire childhood without us and knows what it's like to take care of a group of eight for years. How'll another one treat her?
* **Y****es****a**: You really think I should join your ranks?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Nobody here can stop you.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Your mother is right; unfortunately, control of a child ends at eighteen years.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Yeah, and who knows? Maybe we can have another big dinner like this.
* **P****e****nci****l**: See? You are your own woman, Carrie Ann Yesa. It's all up to you.
* **Y****es****a**: Well, when you all put it like that... I'm not doing it.

[*Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.*]

* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Oh, thank God.
* **Estigua**: *Em nome do Pai, do Filho e do Espírito Santo, amém.*
* **P****en**: I thank you very much, Yesa, for keepin' me young.
* **Y****es****a**: Thank *you*, Foxy Grandpa! /j [*nudges him*] I mean, to be perfectly honest, I'm not ready to take that step yet. Maybe I should set a date so Joe and I can have a deep, honest talk about this in private. If he's not out right now, I'll ring him!

[*Yesa gets up.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Yesa, aren't you forgetting something?
* **Y****es****a**: Oh, I'm sorry. May I be excused? *Posso ser dispensada? Ninaweza—*
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, no, I meant you should hear this.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: [*Aside.*] Right as she was about to say it in Greek.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Kat, Azza, Mum and Dad... I think you owe your granddaughter a "thank you".
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: What for?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I never thought I'd live to see a night where the four of you'd agree on something. But you did, and it was only because of something that didn't even happen. It may seem like you're all prone to squabbling, but I know you lot can be friends.

[*The grandparents look at one another.*]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Are you my friend, Colonel?
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Just as Rag In is a friend of Four-bachev.
* **Estigua**: *E nós, somos amigas, Senhora Graffeo?*
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: I've no idea what you're saying, but I think we can be friends. You can even call me Kat.
* **Estigua**: *E tu pode me chamar Essie, e meu marido Triangle.*
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Wait a minute.

[*Pencil puts her arms around her parents.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Isn't this marvellous? Everybody's getting along!
* **P****en**: And it's all thanks to Yesa. Wow, I didn't have to save the day.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Uh-huh. Thank you, Carrie-Lynn.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Yes, ευχαριστώ!
* **Estigua**: *Obrigada!*
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: *Asante.*
* **Y****es****a**: You're very, very welcome. A'ight, I'm off to the living room to make an important call, so...

[*Exit.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, it's just us in here.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: What can we do now that the party's dwindled by 62.5%?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] It's amazing how intelligence can skip a generation.
* **P****en**: How 'bout we play a game? We have BFB: The Board Game—I'll even let you play me!

[*Kat gets up and looks at her watch.*]

* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Ooh, would you look at that? It's almost 8:30.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: As we say in the Forces, that is 2030 hours.
* **Estigua**: *Eu adoro quando fala tudo como militar.*
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're not leaving now, are you?
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Pencil, darling, I love you. But the airport's a long drive away, our flight leaves at 11:00 and we've not yet visited Eliezero.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*laughs*] *Eliezero?*
* **P****en**: Rats, I promised to keep Eraser's legal name a secret.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Never mind. It is always good to plan early, Kat.

[*Beat.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Dad, you got here four hours later than I told you to. Oh, I'm sorry; just didn't expect dinner to be so short.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Hey, time flies like an olive. But I'm afraid it really is time to leave.
* **P****en**: Aww, don't go!
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: Don't worry, darling, we'll be back. This night has not damaged me psychologically so much that I refuse to return.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: We had better go as well. It is almost bedtime and Essie must say her prayers.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*wags her finger*] Right, y'just can't keep that rosary waiting, can you?

### **Living room** – 8:33 p.m.

**Scene****Match** and the **kids** (minus Solo, Rhoza and Max) are watching television, while **Yesa** is talking to Jost on the phone. The conversation in the other room subtly increases in volume.
* **Y****es****a**: [*on the phone*] Yeah, Flat 10's fine. You're there right now?
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, peoples. David Leisure's about to, like, say something.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): So?
* **Ma****tch**: I'm still getting used to the fact that Davids can, like, say stuff other than "Aw, seriously!".
* **Y****es****a**: Okay, see you as soon as I can. [*about to hang up*]
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Eh-em.
* **Y****es****a**: Oh yeah. Bye.

[*Yesa hangs up.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Thank you!
* **Y****es****a**: [*jumping onto the couch*] Alright, we're all set for tonight.

[*The kids cheer. Enter the* **(grand)parents***, all talking at once and excitedly.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Whoa-whoa-*whoa!* What's going on?
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: We are following these wonderful people whom we met today to the next stop on their tour.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Dad's roof-hopping from here to Jerusalem. Of course, they could take an aeroplane.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: But after seventy years, I find this mode of transport much easier.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): The Holy Land. Expecting a religious revival, are we?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Their flight leaves in a few hours, so they've much less time than I thought. In fact, they're leaving now!

[*The kids gasp.*]

* **P****en**: But first they've got to say hi to your Uncle Eraser.
* **Ma****tch**: Good luck getting that lump up.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: You know, Match, traditionally he's my favourite. /j
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: And we follow them thither as well! Because two of our own children are in Europe, we had better have someone nearby to "bother".
* **Estigua**: *Por que as aspas invisíveis em torno do* bother*? A gente está fazendo a coisa real!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Mum... Alright.

[*Pencil claps once and the kids (plus Match) stand to attention.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Everybody, it's time to say goodbye to Grandma, Grandpa, Guppy, er, Vopa—oh, frick, I can't get it right.

[*The following lines are spoken in rapid succession amidst hugs between all the family members.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): It was nice hosting you all.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Yes, thank you for having us.
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: The same thing he said. But better. /j
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Come again soon, won't you?
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: December 21st, don't forget it; we'll be here until 1990.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): I promise I won't fight!
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: Do say goodbye to fighting Soldaar on behalf of us, *mwanangu*.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I will, and I'll let you know what he says.
* **Estigua**: *E não te esqueça Rhoza e Maxine!*
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: We'll call you when we get to the airport.
* **K****a****t****arzyna**: More specifically, *I* will; I've the locations of the best phone booths in my purse.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: The gift's the cyan box next to the phone, αντίο!
* **P****en**: Bye, Dad, love you!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wait, Father, do you approve of our relationship?
* **T****ri****a****ng****le**: *Ndiyo*, yes, sure!
* **Estigua**: *A gente ama vocês!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Love you too, Dad, Maínha!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Bye-bye!
* **P****en**: *Shalom, arrivederci!*

[*Pencil closes the door.*]

* **P****en**: That was fun.
* **Ma****tch**: Well, I'm off to Eraser's.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aww, you want to see your parents once more before they leave.
* **Ma****tch**: No, I'm giving them, like, a warning. Have you seen the man asleep? I've seen less disturbing mondo films!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Bye, Match.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Yeah, like, bye!

[*Soni exspectati; exit* **Match***. Yesa gets up from the couch and hurries to the door as the other kids follow her.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: And where d'ye think you're going?
* **Y****es****a**: We're meeting Max and Rhoza in Flat 10 to check out the new dessert menu.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Max and Rhoza? They could have at least stayed to say bye.
* **Y****es****a**: But they were here!
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Yeah, they took Yesa's Jost standee from her room and made it seem like he was actually there.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): He really got us fooled, haha!

[*Pencil looks at Pen.*]

* **P****en**: I wasn't fooled.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And I am a rugby player named Boudicca Powerpoint. /s
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Wow, really?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Guys, we'd better get going if we want all that good food.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): More dinner, a'ight!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Bye, Mummy and Daddy!
* **P****en**: See ya, gang!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, don't stay out too late! The night after this one's a school night—

[*The door closes; exeunt.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: OMPFOSCWIWSA, for the first time in ages, it's just the two of us.
* **P****en**: H'hoo, alone at last! God, I want ya so bad, Penc. [*starts kissing the back of her barrel*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hold it, sabre-teeth. We've one more thing to do.
* **P****en**: Aww, what's that?
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***OI, SOLO, COME OUT HERE!***

[*Pen covers his *ears*, as in his starting position in BFDI 1.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): [*from his room*] What?
* **P****e****nci****l**: *I want you to clean up the mess in the kitchen!*
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): What the flip, all by myself? Can't I get help or something?
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Who will you call, the Ghostbusters? That film left nothing to offer except perhaps the theme song! Ever wondered why it's called "On Our Own"? 'Cos that's how you'll be tidying up the room!*
* **P****en**: Wow, that was really smart.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You think Egyptian numerals are really smart.
* **P****en**: Don't ever change, love. [*embraces her*]

[*Enter* **Solo** *from his room. He looks annoyed at Pen, who has his arm around Pencil.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): If I hear bowling pins getting knocked down in there, I'm faking a heart attack.

[*Exit to the kitchen.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: And if that kid should get married, I shall join the ska-punk scene. [*smiles cheekily*] Hey, Pen, watch this.
* **P****en**: What?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Think fast. [*kisses him long*]
* **P****en**: Talk about a smackeroo!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): [*fake coughing in the other room*] Eck-eck-eck-eck-eck!
* **P****en**: Oh, we'd better—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right. After me.

[*Pencil takes Pen's hand and they go into the bedroom together, obviously to compose songs or something. Pen kicks the door shut before it opens again, and Pencil (or rather her hand) places before it a "Do not disturb" sign in six languages, including poorly-written Algebralien.*]

## Voting screen

[*The last voting screen of the series! Instead of Two, we are greeted by* **Unknown Shape Announcer** *("U.S. Announcer"—better yet, "U.S.A."), who stands in the middle of the Fovitwe to give the voting information. In universe, this is the host of Season 11.*]

* **U****.S****.** **A****nno****u****nc****e****r**: Hey, everyone, Unknown Shape Announcer speaking, ready to tell you what you've all been waiting for. Yep, it's me! As you all know, we're getting very close to the TPOT finale. In fact, we even had a save-the-show episode while you were watching the family antics of two eliminated contestants.

[*The screen showing U.S.A. is distorted in order to show the pictures and names of the remaining contestants up for voting, along with encouraging text:* "Who do you think should win The Power of Two? Vote [A] for Remote, vote [B] for Black Hole, or vote [C] for Golf Ball!"]

* **U****.S****.** **A****nno****u****nc****e****r**: Now, all three people shown below did some truly remarkable things this month. Black Hole and Remote were part of a brave trio that went into the human world and somehow saved the show from being cancelled, while Golf Ball has taken a job in Fovitwe administration, which she seems unwilling to give up!
* **Golf Ball**: [*off-screen*] I must be employed!

[*U.S. Announcer looks up and laughs awkwardly.*]

* **U****.S****.** **A****nno****u****nc****e****r**: And I must say this: whether you've been here since the early '60s, or you've just discovered us through this episode, we of *all* seasons thank you for being such a terrific audience. I have to go soon, but don't let that stop yourselves from voting for who *you* want to win this great show, *The Power of Two!* [*turns*] Was that alright?
* **Two**: [*off-screen*] That was near perfect!
* **U****.S****.** **A****nno****u****nc****e****r**: Radical. Anyway, we hope to see you in the finale. I won't be here, 'cause Season 11 will definitely be done by then (in other words, I'll be relaxing somewhere tropical), but I know your trusty number host, along with all the other contestants you still know and love, will. So yeah... see you in the '90s!

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: Wow! Not only will that be the start of a new decade, but viewers! You can make this number at home just by adding two to two to two to two to two...
* **U****.S****.** **A****nno****u****nc****e****r**: [**rolling his eyes**] Okay, bye.

[*As Two's repeated uttering of "to two" fades into the background music,* **Unknown Shape Speaker Box** *bounces away. These words appear on the screen at the bottom of the rolling credits.*]

[*The numbers on the right then move upwards (as in an odometer), showing higher and higher numbers until stopping at the actual release date of the next episode.*]

## Stinger (Saturday night)

### **Living room** – 11:52 p.m.

**Scene****Pencil** and **Pen** come out of their bedroom a few hours later.
* **P****en**: [*yawns*] Morning already?
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's barely 12:00. Hilariously enough, we both fell asleep mid-strike. Nice job, "king pen".
* **P****en**: Wheeeee!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*points at the present*] Oi, look at this.
* **P****en**: Eyy, it's my dad's present!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Let's open it in the kitchen. At least one kid must await us.

### **Kitchen**

**Scene****Solo** is lying on the kids' table, barely awake. Almost his whole body is covered by a huge book and he is bouncing a ping-pong ball against the wall. Enter **Pen** and **Pencil**.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Good almost morning.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Hi. Lewis rang. Said everyone's having their last night on the town before school starts. Sonny took the flamethrower, and he's gonna use it if anyone calls him a dumb baby.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What the other children do is irrelevant, as long as they stay safe. [*Beat.*] *My* flamethrower?
* **P****en**: Solo, we... [*looks around*] We like what you did to the kitchen.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): I didn't do anything. Kat cleaned this place up, y'see?

[*Solo points to Kat's "certificate of cleanliness" in the form of her name written in lipstick.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Then what exactly have you been doing here?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Reading your good manners book. I got nothing better to do!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh. What'd you find out?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): It said I must apologize to Sam for what I did. Maybe I do feel bad for saying what I said. That normal?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You have fallen from grace, you're feeling guilty, and now you're obliged to atone for your sins. [*Beat.*] Do I really talk religiously when my mum's been around?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): But I don't know how to apologize! I've never done it before.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You know, a little "sorry" goes a long way.
* **P****en**: Yeah, and when you tell him, he's going to be so happy.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Y'know what? I'll do it! I'm going to tell Sam I'm sorry when I wake up tomorrow.

[*Sol gets up and stretches before heading to his room.*]

* **P****en**: That's my boy. I'm real proud of you; nice going!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Same from me. It's not so often that somebody says they're sorry.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Hey, I'll be like Aunt Match when she said sorry to Bubble in BFB, and you didn't! Haha!

[*Exit.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Of course he finds a way to furtively insult me. Still got the list of military schools Dad gave us "just in case", yeah?
* **P****en**: Yup—hey, can I open this already?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're really excited about that present.
* **P****en**: I love presents! [*unwrapping*] Oh boy, I hope it's one of those mirrors that show you the back of your cap. I want to know what the *party in the back*'s all about, haha.

[*He looks inside the box and gasps.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What is it?
* **P****en**: Check it out, Pencil!

[*He takes out a letter and an album sleeve.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: It's a letter from your dad, and... our record!
* **P****en**: Yep, the first song we danced to together. Let me find the stereo, get this baby goin', eh? [*zips around the kitchen*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Reckon it might be in the "Storage Facili-Two"; I know the kids are really into compact discs these days.
* **P****en**: Can you read the letter for me, Penc?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right-o. [*opens the letter and begins to read in a fake Canadian accent, which amuses Pen greatly*]

> "Dear  kids: in this box is the very record that your dad used to play whenever he thought of your mom. It's also the only decoration (yes, we know you'll only be playing it on '50s nights, but whatever – it's not like we searched your entire bedroom to find it (your grandma's words, not mine)) we sent you that you're allowed to keep in your “flat”. Anyway, we're really very happy to have you – you and your mom, that is, whose relationship with your dad we've grown to support wholeheartedly – into our big, happy family, and we send our love – and other warm emotions – to each and every one of you. P.S.: Don't forget to send all the decorations back to Toronto before September 2nd or else (your grandma's rules, not mine). Love, Grandpa Telis. **+ your Grandma, Kat ♡**"
>
>

[*Pen stops and looks at the letter with Pencil.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Wow. You know what this means, don't you?
* **P****en**: Cheeuh, they want their decor back.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, your parents have accepted me into their family just as Dad has verbally approved our relationship. Since the premonitions I had last night about Sam and Yesa didn't come true either, this is the first time I've felt inner peace about us! And what, after 24 years?
* **P****en**: By golly, that's three halves of a decade.

[*Pencil pats Pen on the cap.*]

* **P****en**: Say, Pencil... d'ya remember what everyone was talking about at dinner? It was one of the three *don't*s.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Which one? Religion, jobs or...
* **[** **P****e****nci****l** · **P****en** **]**: Marriage.

[*Pencil's eyes get big.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, you're seriously not considering...
* **P****en**: Yep. M-A-R-E-I-Q-H-E.

[*Silence.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Well?
* **P****en**: I- I don't know what to say!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Tell you what: in the interest of equal rights, I'll say it if you can't.

[*Silence. The two look at each other for a second or two. Suddenly,* **Eraser** *barges in through the back door.*]

* **Eraser**: Yo, dudes!
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***FRICKIN' 'ELL, ERASER! SMACK DAMN IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLOODY TENDER MOMENT, YOU TOSSER-FACED DOOFOID!***
* **P****en**: Hey, Penc, that's kinda mean.
* **Eraser**: Yeah.
* **P****en**: Now for goodness' sakes, Eraser, right in the darned middle of a heck of a tender moment... you dumb-o.

[*Pencil rolls her eyes as the guys sit down. She walks around the kitchen.*]

* **Eraser**: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dudes, you're not going to believe the dream I just had.
* **P****en**: Is this the one where you think you're Zeus and you're getting mobbed by all your ex-lovers?
* **Eraser**: No way, man, the bad one! The one where GB, Cloudy and that black guy whose name I can't remember gang up on me to get revenge, just because I did that thing all those years ago, y'know, with the p- p- poo—
* **P****e****nci****l**: You know, I prefer that some people's pasts remain a mystery.
* **Eraser**: Well, instead of having the voices I thought they would have, eh, they weren't their voices at all! Y'know whose voices they were?
* **P****e****nci****l**: If you seek a psychiatrist at this hour...
* **Eraser**: [*whispers*] Our *parents*. And yours too, Pencil. Really. Like, they were all talking to me in my sleep!

[*Pencil and Pen look at each other and try not to laugh.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Must have been a weird dream. [*gesturing for Eraser to leave*] Okay, Eraser, it was nice talking to you, but we've got some very, very important chiz to take care of.

[*Eraser realizes. He raises his eyebrows.*]

* **Eraser**: Ah, I see. You two'd rather be alone. Go conquer her, bro. [*punches Pen in the elbow*]

[*Exit. Pencil and Pen laugh.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Eliezero and Benedetto. You two are peas in a pod.
* **P****en**: The only difference is that one of us is worth his "zero".
* **P****e****nci****l**: That, *and* one of you I want to dance with. [*Beat.*] That's you, Pen.
* **P****en**: Y- you'd do that with me? But I didn't say anything when you—
* **P****e****nci****l**: I mean, since Eraser's sleeping curse has been broken, it's clearly after midnight and we're both knackered as frick. [*shows him a CD of the same record*] If there's one thing I want to end this night with, it ain't a question unresolved.

[*Pencil takes the disc out of its case and inserts it into the machine. She presses play and out comes a slow instrumental 1950s ballad (*i.e.*, a rendition of the Danish song "Skibet skal sejle i nat" from 1957). She gives him something rare: a genuine smile.*]

* **P****en**: Ah, brings me back to the BFDI wrap-up party, if you could call it that.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What do you say? Let's dance like we've just lost an island!

[*At the key of the song changes, Pen wraps his arms around Pencil's barrel and she does the same with his shoulders. As they dance slowly to the music, their position becomes a tight squeeze.*]

* **P****en**: Hey, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye?
* **P****en**: I just want to say, it doesn't matter if we're married or not. I'll always love you from the bottom of my heart.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And you, Pen... you're the best twist of fate that's ever befallen me. [*trying not to fall asleep*] I love you... so, so much.

[*View of the scene in the kitchen. Fade to an exterior view of the flat, with only the kitchen light on. The camera zooms out further out of the Fovitwe until the whole Earth is visible. Inconspicuously (for now), little blue rockets can be seen flying to certain parts of the globe as the romantic music comes to an end. Fade to black.*]

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

**P****en**: Hiya, Jost!
**J****o****s****t**: What's up, Pen? You still an airport security guard?
**P****en**: Ah, no, I got fired from that a few weeks ago. You don't talk about me to your guy, Yesa?
**Y****es****a**: No, as a matter of fact, you hardly come up in conversation.
**P****en**: Cool. Y'know, as they say in Yoyleland, no news is good news. [*chuckles*]
**J****o****s****t**: Hey, Yesa, now that your dad no longer works at the airport, I can finally fly back home without fearing for my life!
**P****en**: There ya go! [*sighs*] I love making a difference in people's well-being or something.
[*Pause.*]
**J****o****s****t**: So what *do* you do?
**P****en**: I do baseball!
**J****o****s****t**: As a coach?
**P****en**: Uhhh, no. I do everything on the field *but* coach. The coach's assistant found me too competitive, so I got fired again.
**P****e****nci****l**: Coiny's son is a smart boy.
**P****en**: Oh, by the way, Penc, our son's extremely upset about something. Maybe you should do something about it, eh?
**P****e****nci****l**: [*angrily waving her fist in the air*] You je-e-erk!

* As much as I love to keep a line like this, it just didn't fit in with Rhoza's follow-up words:

**Y****es****a**: I don't think there's anything magical at the dorms where my Joe stays. And if there is, I'll kill 'im.

* Pencil was going to say this line jokingly **OF COURSE**, but... yeah, no. The use of the "B-word" was saved for later, used appropriately (when Kat refers to a female dog). In no alternate reality will Pencil admit to this out loud:

**P****en**: And you get to leave the house, eh?
**P****e****nci****l**: How marvellous, after this I think I'll return to my cage and be your bitch. /s
**P****en**: Don't say that, Pencil, that's my job!

* During the kitchen scene. Maybe I'll leave it in as a "scene that happened outside the main dialogue":

**C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Omg, Rhoza, grab more of the stuff, it's about to fall.
**R****h****oza**: I already have a dangerous kitchen-type weapon in my hand.
**C****i****l****lita** (Ita): So?

* Sometimes, I try too hard to make a scene of ~~"intimacy"~~ bowling funny:

**P****e****nci****l**: [*in an affected New York accent*] How's about I put on my big bass-baritone helmet and play sergeant of police—made famous by the rôle of the same name in the hit operetta and later Broadway musical *The Pirates of Penzance*—while you get punished for...

* Max was going to tell Yesa she was waiting for a call from the *Kenyan Political Science Review*. I deleted the line because it was making the episode a bit too long.
* Also during the phone scene:

**Y****es****a**: Gosh, it's times like this that I wish YeFones were still cool.
**P****e****nci****l**: Hey, trends come and go. I mean, the whole mobile telephone thing that does everything was never meant to last, was it?

* I was going to make a reference to Nelson Mandela during the early morning kitchen scene on Saturday. There'd be a really cool reference to cricket, too! (More specifically, about the significance of the number **111** in the sport, where it is often called "Nelson", or something like that.) It was deleted because (again) I had no idea where to put it.

**P****e****nci****l**: At this point, *I* should be the one called Nelson. While Needle parties in Brussels doing whatever it is they do over there, I'm the one stuck doing duties as though I were in a Fovitwe prison!
**P****en**: Whoa, babe, are you talking about Nelson Mand*a*la?
**P****e****nci****l**: No, Pen, I'm talking about how the three of us could come together to form a cricket team and always score badly. /s
**P****en**: What's with this house and cricket? Chh.

* This dialogue between Pencil and Pen got lost somewhere.

**P****e****nci****l**: Ah, Nelson. Really saying something that I could have taken his fate and moved to Belgium or other place had I not joined BFDI.
**P****en**: Yeah, he's a good guy.
**P****e****nci****l**: He's my brother, that's why. When I was ten, he was one. When I was eleven, he was two. When I was twelve, he was three. When I was—
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): I- I think I get it, Mother.
**P****en**: Gee, Penc, It's amazing how you can do all that number stuff in your head like that. Haha, if it weren't for us Greeks, you wouldn't even be able to do that without a calculator!

* I forgot Jost's last name (I thought it was Van Dyke like the island on which his full name is based).

**P****en**: Is it the one where I wrote down "JvD"?
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): That's the one.
**P****en**: Oh, for a second I thought we were going to invite Judd Nelson [*from* The Breakfast Club] over. [*giggles*] Y'know, I've only met Jost two times in my life.
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): Yeah, both of which you were extremely angry, fortunately not in his direction.
**P****en**: Hey, I promise I'll be nice.
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): Good. Your name is in that phrase, by the way. "Be nice."
[*Pen looks up for a second.*]
**P****en**: Wow, you're right! That's so *cool!*
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): Uh-huh.

* Match was going to make a joke about how she once went steady with a Bible scholar, "or was it a Koranic scholar, oh what the heck".
* During the first Saturday night scene. Okay, I'll admit that these scripts are getting more and more, er, mature-themed (I hesitate to say "NSFW" because I ain't a smut writer), but come on... it's almost the '90s!

**P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Benny, I ain't slated to be on the menu until after midnight!
**P****en**: Well, maybe I can get a little sample of this "all-you-can-*bite*". [*embraces her*]
**P****e****nci****l**: [*laughs*] Pen, you blue-capped devil you, stop it!
**P****en**: [*stops*] You're right. Gosh, I'm going to be the embarrassment of the nation if your folks catch me like this.
**P****e****nci****l**: You'll be the embarrassment of the flat if *Nonexisty* catches you like this.

* An obscure reference: the myth that Mussolini made all the trains run on time in Fascist Italy:

**P****en**: Isn't that funny? My dad was in the old country for five years in the '30s, so he knows something about time management. None of the trains ever came late there!
**M****ic****hael** (Lou): Isn't that just a rumour?
**P****en**: Of course. I mean, it was Italy. [*pats Lou on the cap*]

* I was also going to make a reference to Pencil and Pen having unlit *shabbos* candles (as spoken by Match) in the kitchen. I figured they'd be better off in the background than added to a very much growing script.

**Ma****tch**: Whoa, girl. You got the *shabbos* candles out. And they're not even lit!
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): Sure they're lit!
**C****i****l****lita** (Ita): She's not talking *time-travellers' "lit"*, chh.
**P****e****nci****l**: Aye, they were sent to us earlier this week.
**Ma****tch**: Funny, Penc-penc. I never thought of you as a, like, particularly *religious* Jewish girl.
**P****e****nci****l**: Well, that's 'cos I'm hardly religious and I'm not a Jewish girl.
**Ma****tch**: That's right. You're an atheist boy. Ha*ha!*
[*Pencil tries not to laugh in an unrestrained manner.*]
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): [*raises his hand in the background*] But I am!

* A deleted line after Kat and Ari show up (without Triangle and Estigua present). I think I was going to make a *Rocky* reference elsewhere in the episode as well but decided to delete it.

**K****a****t****arzyna**: I can tell, honey. If they made a fifth *Rocky* movie, you'd be a dead ringer for I-van Drago's skinny Greek cousin.
[*Pen laughs.*]
**Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): [*Aside.*] Don't think of punching yet, Sam!

* Aristotelis was going to say the title of the song "Servus, Grüezi und Hallo" in response to the children greeting him and Kat in three languages. I deleted it because I'm not sure he's worldly enough to know a song like that.
* Also in this scene. The grandparents should know the names of the kids at the same time, no exception:

[*Ari points at Lou and Ivor.*]
**A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Hmm, these two look the most like their father. Got the cap and all!
**M****ic****hael** (Lou): Gee, thanks!
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): Never a source of ire to be compared to someone popular. [*shaking Ari's hand*] Ivjær Xavier .
**M****ic****hael** (Lou): And I'm Michaelangelo Lewis.
**A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: [*does the finger thing*] Cowabunga!
**C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*Aside, to Yesa.*] Omg, he's trendy.
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): Out of the boys, and perhaps of all of our siblings, we are the two smartest and most inclined to use our creative powers for good. Just like you, Grandpa!
**A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Brilliant!
**M****a****xin****e** (Max): Speak for yourself, Toxic Ivy. Half of your "most inclined" group'll sit at the kids' table.
[*Pencil covers Max's mouth.*]
**A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: No, you all seem pretty smart. Certainly didn't get that from your father, eh? /j
**[** **P****e****nci****l** · **P****en** **]**: Thank you!
[*Pencil looks at Pen, confused.*]

* Somewhere within the first scene where Triangle meets everyone else:

**P****e****nci****l**: Daddy, you are seventy years old; that's practically ancient.
**A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: [*Aside, to Kat.*] She doesn't like to sugarcoat things, does she?

* Early on in the dinner scene—this line didn't make much sense:

**P****e****nci****l**: Right? [*to Pen*] Right? [*to the kids*] Right?
**T****ri****a****ng****le**: Pencil, my girl, if you say "Right" one more time, I might just start thinking left.

* When Pen admits to what he had done the previous night:

**P****en**: That's right, I was the one who entered Tanganyika.
**T****ri****a****ng****le**: [*correcting him*] *Tanzania.*
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): Guka is correct; Tanganyika hasn't existed since BFDIA was on.
**P****en**: But it was me who did it.
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): You mean "*I* who did it"—ow.
[*Ivor looks at Max, who turns her head innocently.*]
**P****en**: No, you didn't do it. It was me. If I'm brave enough to have done it, I'm also brave enough to admit to... having done it.
**T****ri****a****ng****le**: Why.
**P****en**: 'Cause I hate how I do something and it gets in the papers, but they don't say who it was! I like my name in the news articles, y'know?
**T****ri****a****ng****le**: I mean to ask you why you did that.

* An alternate line when Pencil takes Pen aside:

**P****en**: C'mon, Pencil, we can't make out in front of everyone; I could get court-martialled! At least not when I'm still thinkin' of food and that earth-shattering dinner.
**P****e****nci****l**: You're still trying to wrap your head around the "Pass the familiar yet unknown crispy yellow stuff", huh.

* Ivor was going to mention that *Widget Loves Gurney* was literally cancelled sixteen years ago—this is the objectized name of an American TV show about a married couple of different backgrounds, which was cancelled in 1973 for being stereotypical (one episode was called "How to Be a Jewish Mother"!) and against religious laws.
* Also during this scene:

**P****e****nci****l**: Don't worry, Kat, Ari, Dad, Mum, we'll let them explore their heritages. In fact, I think some of them have already chosen to do so after they got their genetic results back earlier this month! Right, Pen?
**P****en**: You bet! The kids are really into their cultures and such.
**So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Yeah, we know some words in Jewish!
[*Pencil facepalms.*]

* A few more:

**M****a****xin****e** (Max): Eight long months. Eight super long months. [*Beat.*] All good, I promise!

[*By the door.*]
**M****ic****hael** (Lou): What happened?
**Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): My mind is fighting itself!
**M****ic****hael** (Lou): What do you mean?
**Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Well, now that Dad's sitting next to us... won't it be hard for me to say something without him, um, hearing what I'm mad about?
**M****ic****hael** (Lou): Like I said before, you don't *have* to do anything.
[*Enter* **Solo**.]
**So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Whoa, this where the party's at? 'Cause if not, you two are literal wallflowers, haha!
**M****ic****hael** (Lou): If the wallflowers are stood in this part of the room and you're here... what's that make you then, eh?
**So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Frick, you're right. Laters!
[*Exit.*]
**M****ic****hael** (Lou): Y—
**Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): I know.
[*Sam excitedly goes back to his seat. Lou follows him.*]

**T****ri****a****ng****le**: Marriage does not have to be something unattractive to someone with your beliefs. Look at your mother; she is a very happy a career woman in the field of pharmacy.
**A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Yeah, and look at Kat. She's a happy homemaker!
[*Pencil slowly turns her head.*]
**K****a****t****arzyna**: What? I still get fresh air.
**P****e****nci****l**: I don't know, all.

* A collection of deleted scene-lets that I thought were funny at one point. There was going to be one scene later where the grandparents were looking into the crystal ball together (and it turned out to be the slow dance scene at the end), but I decided against adding more sentient and non-sentient objects into the episode.

[*Another knock on the door. Max opens it—on the other side is* **Gaty**, *who looks, er, out of it.*]
**G****at****y**: H- hi, guys, is this Flat 38?
**R****h****oza**: No...
**G****at****y**: Well, I have a crystal ball on delivery. I was supposed to give it this morning, but I- I got a lot to drink, and here...
**M****a****xin****e** (Max): Wait, we didn't ask for a crystal ball!
**R****h****oza**: Shut up, it's mystical. Thanks, Gaty. [*about to close the door*]
**G****at****y**: W- wait, wait a minute, this is almost Flat 2. You got the wrong package.
[*The girls close the door quickly.*]
**R****h****oza**: Great. We can use this to see if they're still arguing tomorrow.
[*Another knock on the door. Max and Rhoza groan and open it—on the other side is a small purple eraser.*]
**R****h****oza**: Who or what be you?
**Zanzy**: Hi, my name is Zanzy Barr.
**M****a****xin****e** (Max): What are you doing here?
**Zanzy**: Oh, uh, I kind of took one of those new paternity tests, and it turns out Eraser is my father.
**M****a****xin****e** (Max): Well, he's not here, and we've got enough drama at home.
**Zanzy**: But I've walked thousands of miles just to get here! [*stamps his foot*] I wanna manna daddy!
**R****h****oza**: We do not want the stress.
**M****a****xin****e** (Max): Yeah, get out of here, mate.
[*Rhoza slams the door shut.*]
**R****h****oza**: Can you believe some people?

* Kat was going to compare Pen's ridiculous bow tie job to being in a straitjacket. It would have launched another (not argument, but) conversation that would have dragged on for several lines.
* After Kat says she must go:

**P****en**: You don't want to play anything? We got board games from A to Z! Well, more like from C to M, after Solo dumped all the Scrabble pieces in Fries's box as a prank.
**A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: That sure is a step up from the imaginary game shows you'd pretend to host. Pencil, you should've seen Ben when he was a kid.
**P****en**: I even had my own little microphone and everything!
**P****e****nci****l**: That's very cute, dear.

* Match was going to call Eraser "Sleeping Ugly". I deleted it because I didn't want "hideous sleeper" to be Eraser's defining trait, see TPOT 46. (He has not done much wrong so far.)
* After the grandparents suddenly leave:

**Y****es****a**: I actually let 'em do it.
**P****e****nci****l**: [*trying not to laugh*] No, honey, it's the fact that you've actually got an idol of your boyfriend when you've barely even been together for three months.
**Y****es****a**: Didn't you have a pen when you started dating Dad?
**P****e****nci****l**: Why would I need one when I can erase all by myself?
**P****en**: Haha, I'm not jealous at all! /s
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): As much as I love hearing what romance was like in the Screwy Sixties, it is time to cut it out.

* Right before the "Voting screen", there was a bit of ultra-realistic dialogue between Pen and Pencil. I deleted it before realizing that this is realistic only in the context of TV parents, not reality. A shame, too; I liked it:

**P****en**: Hold up, what was that one thing you wanted to get done?
**P****e****nci****l**: Just to inform Solo of his punishment, why?
**P****en**: Oh. I thought it was going to be something more.
**P****e****nci****l**: Like what, Pen, a visit to the International Court of Justice? /s

* Pencil, after the voting screen:

**P****en**: I know; I feel terrific! But not as terrific as I feel when I'm with you. [*kisses her on the cheek*]
**P****e****nci****l**: Thanks, dear. I feel the same way about two-tier healthcare.

* Near the end of the episode:

**P****e****nci****l**: I find secretive people to be very unattractive.
**P****en**: [*quickly empties the box on the table*] Penc, look!
**P****e****nci****l**: [*smiles*] I knew that would get you.

* Pencil's speech about marriage at the end was originally going to be longer. I left it unfinished. (Another thing: the episode was going to end on a cliffhanger, which honestly makes no sense because it's meant to be a backdoor pilot, *i.e.*, your regular TPOT programming resumes in episode 48.)

**P****e****nci****l**: Are you... thinking about marrying—
**P****en**: No, no, if you're not okay with it, then I'm not going to... y'know...
**P****e****nci****l**: You want me to be a part of a system that expects me to give up the name my mother gave me, the time I enjoy spending with my personal alliance and any hope of a future career other than tending to a family of twelve?
**P****en**: Pencil, I'd never stop you from reaching your dreams. I wouldn't know how to!
**P****e****nci****l**: I know; you may have got iron arms, but not got that sort of grip on me. I'm sorry, I just had this strange idea of... of...
**P****en**: What? Tell me!
**P****e****nci****l**:

## Notes

1. ↑ Is it just me, or are dinners much more anarchic in real life? No script can ever capture everyone doing or talking about completely different things at the same time.
2. ↑ *Malaika* (with an *i*) is Swahili for "angel". Without the *i* it's a well-known Greek insult.
3. ↑ Just as the Septilateral Announcer from TPOT 36 served as a stand-in for Satomi, this announcer (whose shape we rightfully may not explain) is meant to represent the new showrunner of the series, 17 years after it began.
4. ↑ As of 1989, *in humanaho* Pen has a mullet. He does in this universe too: that's what he calls his cap.
5. ↑ So begins Pen's transformation into the bumbling dad of the 1990s.

**Fake TPOT** [V]