Seinfeld

Seinfeld, presenting one of his many dissertations

Scholarly intelligence

Dislike of drugs

Seinfeld (full name Jerboa E. Seinfeld) was a long-eared Jerboa, brother-in-law of Ben-Tucci, and occasionally a rival of Mike. Seinfeld is a very weak fighter both physically and magically, but makes up for this with high charisma and proficiency.

## History

Jerboa Seinfeld was born in Pakistan at some time in the summer of 1997, born to a family of long-eared Jerboas. His early years were idyllic in nature, but in 2001 his parents and siblings were murdered during a gunfight between regional druglords. As a result, Seinfeld fell into a deep depression, succumbing to an addition to imported British opium in order to comfort him. In 2003, he met a wandering priest and his sister, and the latter took pity on him and brought him into her home. Shortly after, he swore off all drugs and began training himself both mentally and psychologically in order to turn his life around. He then married Ben-Tucci's sister, Gwen-Tucci, so that the two could pay less taxes.

### Education

In late 2004, Seinfeld had invested heavily in his education, having read hundreds of books about history, art, and sociology. In January 2005, he was accepted into the Harvard Academy for Ascendant Beings, bringing the young Jerboa a great amount of joy. For several months, Seinfeld invested heavily in his studies, especially social studies, during which he began to gain aspirations for a future in politics. Additionally, he trained himself in various martial arts, gaining a superhuman ability to dodge otherwise fatal blows.

In late 2005, Seinfeld was presenting a dissertation on the geopolitical ramifications of The Great Horse War on the post-USSR world, winning him the admiration of dozens of notable U.S. senators. Unfortunately for Seinfeld, he received tragic news from his wife as soon as he returned home: Ben-Tucci had died. Though a clear picture was not available as to the motive, it was known that the cause of death was murder by gun. This sent Seinfeld into a great despair, during which he abandoned his education and political dreams, and succumbed to a gambling addiction to distract himself from this. In 2007, Gwen-Tucci filed for divorce, which proceeded quickly and left Jerboa without a home or fortune.

### Rivalry with Mike

After becoming homeless, Seinfeld drifted from city to city, leaving his former home in Albany far behind. Eventually, he arrived in Salem, Massachusetts, and came into contact with a fortune teller. The fortune teller, Hazel Middleton, informed Seinfeld that he saw great potential in his future if he chose to harness his talents properly. Additionally, Middleton awarded Seinfeld a good luck charm: half of a black bean. She informed the Jerboa that this was what remained of a whole black bean that Middleton survived on for ten years during her own spat of homelessness.

Motivated, Seinfeld began investigating across the country in order to find Ben-Tucci's killer. During this time, he became involved in numerous adventures including battling a British Opium Cartel, becoming the governor of Maine for a month, and acting as a vigilante in Quebec for half a year. Seinfeld was a poor fighter, but he had an uncanny ability to dodge enemy attacks. While dodging attacks, he would use psychology to slowly convince enemies to his side and end conflicts without violence. The only instance of him using attacks against enemies was detonating a napalm bomb on Arthur Lance, leader of the Round Table opium cartel, killing him and his advisors.

Eventually, he collected enough evidence to track down and confront Mike. Without remorse, Seinfeld attempted to assassinate the man, but did negligible damage. Mike didn't realize he was being attacked, but began shooting his AR-47 pistol in confusion. Luckily, Seinfeld managed to avoid all these attacks unscathed. This continued for eight hours, with Seinfeld managing only to slightly ruffle Mike's hair and Mike being unable to land any hits on Seinfeld. However, Seinfeld chose to retreat when B-Bop A-Luna came to ask Mike for some spare cash.

Later, Seinfeld and a crack team of mercenary commandos attempted to assassinate Mike during his trip to New York City. The battle initially favored Seinfeld, but during the scuffle commandos continued to trip over boxes of Kraft Dinner, breaking their necks and dying instantly. This left only Seinfeld, who attempted to dodge a box of Kraft, but dodged so hard that he flew out of the hotel window.

Finally, during Mike's birthday in 2012, Seinfeld chose to directly attack Mike even while he was protected by B-Bop A-Luna, 2T Fru-T, and Do-Wah Diddy. The battle was tilted against Seinfeld, but even so he managed to somehow dodge assault rifle rounds, laser beams, hand grenades, and attempt to stomp on him. For the first time, Seinfeld attempted to use his charisma on the enemies before him. Amazingly, he was nearly able to convince the Butt-Ugly Martians to turn on their closest friend: convincing them Mike was a murdered who represented a threat to world peace. Mike then said "oh sorry i guess" and asked Seinfeld to listen to Death Grips with him. Seinfeld, heartbroken at his pursuit of vengeance of a good-hearted man, surrendered immediately. During this bout of despair, Do-Wah Diddy entered BKM and punted the Jerboa into a nearby Little Ceasar's.

The group left, forgetting the encounter shortly after. Fortunately for Seinfeld, he landed into a large pile of pizza dough, breaking his impact. After this, he became a changed Jerboa, vowing to aid Mike in all his heroic pursuits. The two never met again, but Seinfeld used his network of allies to silently aid the group for the rest of his life

### Death

In 2015, he died while on a trip to Los Angeles after being crushed by debris caused by a battle between Martian terrorists and the High Guardians. Though he could have dodged, he instead chose to save an orphanage filled with children and small kittens. Following this, the governor of California chose to erect a statue in his honor.