The Nut Job Silly Copy

Hey there children! It's me, Sofia! Today on Peppermint Park, I'll be teaching you about the letter M! Wait a minute! I don't live there, silly me! You know, I've never had a friend since I’ve been at home due to my family being dead. How did they die? Well, it was days before christmas and some strange killer was hiding in my house. Also, I had my jaw ripped out once but I somehow managed to survive a near-death experience. I got a new jaw so people don’t think I’m the scariest clown around. Yeah, go ahead and laugh all you want, I was born that way.

I usually just live by myself until now. I officially got a roommate and his name is Beavis McFatson. I tell you, he’s a fat man who constantly blasts the song Milkshake every night at 9PM right when I’m about to go to bed. But sooner or later, he got over it. Anyways, I have a question for you. Have you ever seen a movie called The Nut Job? No, it’s not like you take your balls out to get money. Whoopsie me! I’m not supposed to talk about that.

Moving on. The Nut Job is a movie about a purple squirrel who always tries to find wacky plans and he’s trying to look for food for winter. Well, I have discovered the weirdest version of this movie. One day, I was just having a bath in my house when all of a sudden the phone rang.

I got a towel and went to answer it. The call came from Mace Windu claiming that Beavis is late for college. I asked Windu to hold on so I could blatantly yell at him. He eventually started getting ready but he wanted to wear his usual outfit which was a yellow coat with his man breasts showing.

The last time I allowed him to do that, he confused a lot of women as a transgender person and I demanded that he didn’t do it. Now for Beavis, he’s a good person who can talk and he says no to stuff he’s not interested in. He left for college and I ended the call there. After that, I went to my fridge and saw that my carton of milk was alive. He said, “Oh hello! I can walk!”

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I may have been dreaming but no, it was real. But then he told me that he was gonna sing a song the next time I visited the fridge. I got my glass of milk and closed the refrigerator. Later on, I was watching some TV. I watched this program that had Alonzo Drek, Johnny Ratface, Mother Nature, Penny Peterson, Ramses, Cookie Monster and James Sand all dressed up as teletubbies.

There was a shadow against my window. I looked at it and I saw a man named Ian. I had wondered why he came to visit me. He claimed that there’s a mysterious copy of The Nut Job that I must check out. I agreed with his statement and he told me that it’s at the studio of Open Road.

Someone special would be going with me. But I didn’t know who till later on. Later that night, I was playing some Spongebob: Battle For Bikini Bottom on my original Xbox when the door knocked. I opened it to be greeted by Janta Glaws. He was the special guest that would help me sneak into the studio that worked on The Nut Job.

We first went out for something to eat before we did our master plan. Me and Janta stopped at Mcdonald’s. I got myself a cheeseburger with no pickles and onions, fries, chicken nuggets, a cookie and a diet coke. I was about to eat a fry when this lego figure named Lloyd Garmadon came over and said, “I’d really like a piece of that cookie please!” I said no and he took out his green sword.

I shouted, “Yo Pierre, can we get this guy a cookie?” The Mcdonald’s employee gave him a cookie and he left our table. After dinner, we went to the studio that produced The Nut Job. We snuck into the vents because if we broke the door, the alarms would go off. I found the DVD sitting there.

However, the DVD did not have a normal cover. Surly was looking down at his feet while JFK from Clone High said his usual meme quote. I looked at the back of the DVD and there was text written with a black sharpie that said, “Sniff this DVD’s nuts, I dare you.” I wasn’t gonna even bother sniffing it.

Me and Janta smashed the cameras on the way out. While we headed out, I heard a deep low voice that said, “You smashed the cameras, didn’t you?” I turned around to find Darth Vader just sitting there. He wasn’t mad, because after all, he was a villain.

I went back home and went to bed. Sometimes at night, I feel like I can hear my dead mother waiting to suffocate me in my sleep. The next morning, I woke up and decided to watch the DVD. I inserted it and sat back. The DVD started with a warning screen claiming that if you smell a squirrel’s nuts which are acorns, you’re gonna have a bad time.

It then went to the previews. The first trailer had Ernie & Bert from Sesame Street saying that you need to try Blue Diamond nuts. Now to be honest, I don’t eat Blue Diamond. Beavis McFatson always demanded that I try them and I did, they don’t taste that good. The 2nd trailer had Ted Wiggins attending a jogging session. The commercial was to sell Gatorade.

Then it went to the movie. However, after the Universal logo finished it’s fanfare, it switched to the Dark Universe logo. I never liked that logo when I saw that 2017 mummy movie entitled The Mummy. However, at the next logo which came after Open Road, the Endgame Entertainment logo had the man get his Inspector Gadget costume on.

And off the man went. Those were the logos that played for this strange version of The Nut Job. However, this copy of the movie didn’t look as normal as I thought. I mean the beginning of the movie with Surly scaring the pigeons was normal, but things were off. The sky was red and the powerline that the birds were on looked pretty dull and electric sparks were coming out of it. I don’t even understand how they could survive.

But as Surly narrated that each day is a struggle to find food to survive, he didn’t have his usual voice that was Will Arnett, he sounded more like Shrek. He then went over to the pigeon’s nest and he said, “Time to take a piss!” He scratches his nuts and pisses all over the nest.

This was disgusting. I didn’t want to watch Surly pissing on a nest. I could even see his purple and white penis. Gross. Just then, his rat friend Buddy saw what he was doing. However, unlike the original Nut Job movies I saw back in the day, Buddy in this version could speak. However, he sounded like an old irish man with cancer. He said, “Surly, ve need to go to the nut shop to stop Precious!” Wait a minute, was Precious the villain of this version of the film?

This was giving me a very questionable characterization. Surly stops pissing and says, “I’m making a pyramid!” Buddy got angry and he threw Surly off the powerline. Good thing is, he survived. Meanwhile, It faded to Andie who was teaching her chipmunk class. For some reason, Andie sounded like a 5 year old girl. She said, “Well class, I’m so happy we defeated Billy Bob Tanley!” Wait, what? I don’t remember there being a movie on The Nut Job where they fight that user I watch on YouTube. Was I missing something?

What happened next was interesting. A bolt of lightning struck the tree down causing panic. How did thunder get there in the first place? Well, It could make sense that there was rain coming down. Surly decided that they should stay in a new tree shelter that workers grew months ago.

And they did, only to meet some animals in which their names were Wooly & Worth, Caster & Pollux, Thumper, Teddy and Kerchak. “There’s a gorilla and a bear in the park!” Surly screamed. Then all of a sudden, Precious was just barking angrily going to bite Kerchak and Teddy. And she did. They both left and the day was saved.

Hmm…. I guess Precious had a new owner that was the villain. I could be right, or I could be wrong. The next scene shows Surly and Buddy at what looked like the mayor’s place. They were at a desk. They ate what appeared to be M&M’s. Surly said, “Well my friend, It’s a good thing that we got the gorilla and bear away from the tree.”

All of a sudden, J Jonah Jameson showed up looking pretty angry. He screamed, “Dakota! We got rodents in the town hall!” Dakota Fanning had what looked like bear traps. She threw them at Surly & Buddy but they failed to get trapped in them. They luckily escaped. Andie saw what they were doing. She yelled, “Hey Surly! What have you been doing in Mayor Jameson’s office?”

Surly replied with, “Uh…. We were eating M&M’s!” Andie claimed, “I believe you. Come on, It’s getting late, let’s go to bed.” Surly & Buddy were calmly sleeping with each other until they heard what sounded like a relationship. Surly went to check what all the cuckoo was about. He saw what looked like Andie and Grayson humping.

“Andie, what the fuck are you doing?” Andie said, “Uh…. Surly, I didn’t notice you were dropping in. It’s just I haven’t spoken to Grayson in a long time. Surly got more pissed and he said, “Because you’re having sex with someone you loved for a long time doesn’t mean you try to break up with me. And speaking of breaking up, I’m leaving you.”

“Surly please! I know, somewhere deep down in my heart. I still love you.” Surly began doing his best cry ever and he decided to leave Liberty Park for the rest of the night. He decided to stay at the nut shop which had a lifetime supply of nuts in there. Surly was hanging up some birthday party directions because it was proclaimed that he was having a break up party. “Who is this party for?” Asked Buddy. “I’m having a break up party because I’m done with Andie.” Said Surly.

“Who’s coming?” Buddy asked once more. “All the other animals of the park besides Andie and Grayson.” The next scene showed all the animals of Liberty Park outside the nut shop. Dave Seville was one of the people trying to go to the break up party but Mole kept claiming that he is not on the list.

Dave said, “Mole, my adopted chipmunk Alvin is in there, I’m not allowing him to stay up all day. Let me in!” Mole still kept saying no and Dave decided to leave. The sun was rising and Andie was with Grayson. “That relationship did not play out well last night.” Said Andie.

“Rise and shine morning animals!” Andie shouted. There wasn’t a single animal in sight. The park was completely quiet. “Grayson, where are the animals?” Andie asked. Grayson wasn’t anywhere. Then he jumpscared Andie by saying peek-a-boo.

But then the film managed to end there. That was short I tell you. I decided to mail the DVD back to Open Road Films when they return. For some reason, I’m now allergic to nuts. How? Maybe that DVD gave me a cynical feeling in my body. I had lost interest in my Little Debbie peanut butter cream pies because those were made with peanuts.

I have had nightmares about the squirrels trying to stuff me with peanuts and they made me enter a peanut eating competition. Those darn rodents. I made myself a blackberry jam sandwich and I went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up to hear strange noises coming from my kitchen. I looked in there to find TV shows and movie catastrophes. The Cat In The Hat was eating the baby food that used to belong to my baby sister Ava who is for some reason dead. Sancy Glown was using my legos for a science project. Ned Flanders was using the coffee machine. Sylvester Stallone was baking some pancakes. Seymour Skinner and Superintendent Chalmers were eating steamed hams. And Lord Thislewick was eating all of the baking soda.

They soon found out that I was staring at them. Chalmers claimed that they were gonna sing me a song about the letter M. And they started to sing.

“It’s marvelous, magnificent, We can’t imagine life without the letter M. Impossible, improbable! How could you get along with the letter M? How could you order M&M’s without the letter M? What would you say, what would you do, what would you call them? There’d be no words like Mississippi, maybe mommy, monkey too! No mayonnaise, no medicine! There’d be no mumps, measles, monsters, none of them! Magnanimous, malicious! The one important letter in momentum! The letter M!”

“Shut the fuck up!” I yelled. “Get the fuck out of my house, all of you now!” Then all of a sudden, the living room door burst open. I recognized that Joe Galtosino and Laura were police officers and they both took the people who came into my house to jail.

That DVD caused a whole lot of controversy for me. Beavis McFatson had been gone for 3 days straight. Whatever Open Road Films put on the rest of the DVD, I wouldn’t want to check it out. Just be careful of what you watch.