Have You Got The Pot Noodle Horn?

Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper. What shall we give him? How about white bread and butter? How will he marry without a wife.... and oh my witty sunshine biscuits! Lord bless me dearest reader why do you not have the common decency to knock before you come in. Sadly, my dearest friend Buckie O'Buck Neil is unable to tell you a story today as he's busy shooting another commercial for Burger King. He's got his priorities set straight have you? So in Buckie's absence, I will be telling today's story. What's that? You prefer Buckie? Well then you can just fuck off buddy! Anyways, now if you recall, in our little book of morals, we've talked about the dangers of Walkers Extra Crunchy Crisps and Jammie Dodgers, but you ain't ever heard of the most dangerous food of them all. Pot Noodles!

Pot Noodles is a brand of instant noodle snack foods, available in a selection of flavours and varieties. Some of these variants include Chicken & Mushroom, Chicken Curry, Bombay Bad Boy, Sticky Rib, Beef & Tomato, and even a Chicken Korma flavour. Yeah not even joking on that one buddy. Pot Noodles are an incredibly easy thing to make. All you need to make them is some boiling hot water, and that's it. You just pour the water into the container, and there you go! Sadly, Pot Noodles despite how easy they are to make, come with a very sad and very unfortunate price. Allow me to explain if you'd let that is.

Just like Jammie Dodgers and Extra Crunchy Crisps, Pot Noodles are incredibly addictive. Once you've had your first pot; your world will never be the same. From then on, every time you go to Tesco or Lidels, you will be unable to resist the intoxicating power of the noodles. You will buy so much Pot Noodles that the front desk lady will ask if you've got car insurance because she doesn't trust you behind the wheel. And well quite frankly, neither do I.

However, what separates Pot Noodles from the other addictive foods we've talked about; is that Pot Noodles have a very interesting side affect when it comes to not consuming them for too long. You see; the longer you put off buying another Pot Noodle, the stronger for the urge for them becomes. To this end, you end up getting something... something so heinous and so not PG. That I would recommend leaving the room if you've got a bad stomach. When you don't buy Pot Noodles at the right time, you end up getting.... getting.... getting the Pot Noodle Horn!

The Pot Noodle Horn is a large horn which will appear in your trouser pockets, and make the entire world wary of your addiction. Also, the Pot Noodle Horn possesses magic qualities, and is able to corrupt the mind of whoever it visits. For instance, you can go from being a fun loving reader who loves fish and chips to a cold blood thirsty pshyco who loves a bit of culture over on BBC 4. You will remain in this state, until you eventually decide to bite the bullet, and buy another Pot Noodle. After buying the Pot Noodle, the Horn will disappear in a puff of smoke as if it was never there to begin with.

The Pot Noodle Horn is incredibly embarrassing. Whenever people get the Horn, they try their best to brush it off as being an aurora borealis. At this time of day!? However, as I said before, Pot Noodle Horn makes people far more aggressive and more brutal than their usual not addicted self. This is exactly what happened to a dear friend of mine in the courts named Jason Deplank.

Jason Deplank is a very successful lawyer, and is currently helping the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham in their case against the Red & Yellow M&M's who had supposedly murdered one of the Knights' members MT Bar many moons ago. Even longer now than it seems. So sad. Sorry I'm getting a tad bit distracted by looking at those ugly shoes of yours. Seriously reader, those shoes are melting into the carpet. I paid a fucking fortune for that thing!? It was given to me by my Great Grandmother Edgar who once put LSD in some milk which was then drank by a mouse named Moe.

Sorry for that incredibly long tangent, anyways where were we? Oh yeah that's right; Tom Deplank despite being such a great lawyer had his vices. His greatest vice was of course an addiction to Pot Noodles. He had been addicted to them ever since he ate one during a lunch break following a heated court case. Now you better believe, Deplank tried his best to hide his addiction from his co-workers. Oh man did he try! Sadly, just like all other addictions, it was never meant to be. One day, Deplank ended up getting contracting the Pot Noodle Horn without noticing. He had gone a whopping two weeks without having a Pot Noodle. He thought he could handle it.... OH BOY WAS HE WRONG?

That evening, Deplank headed to The Purple Otter in order to have a drink with some of his co-workers to celebrate one of them being pregnant. Arriving at the bar, Deplank walked up to his crush Big-Fat-Ugly-Bug-Face-Baby-Eating O'Brien. I shall just call her O'Brien for short. "Hey guys." Tom said to O'Brien who asked in her incredibly deep voice which made the table shake whenever she spoke, "Tom what is that?" That's when Tom realised he had contracted the deadly Pot Noodle, and placed his suitcase over the offending area. "Have you got the Pot Noodle Horn?" Another co-worker asked to which Tom rebuffed very quickly. O'Brien then began trying her best to remove the suitcase. and finally Tom responded by falcon punching her across the room. Tom then removed the horn from his pocket and proclaimed, "yes I have got the Pot Noodle Horn! It's big and brassy and I'm going to blow it!" He then proceeded to blow a mighty ogre's tune into the horn before making his leave.

Ten minutes later, Deplank returned to the bar. His suit was in tatters, and his suitcase was gone. The Pot Noodle Horn meanwhile had completely disappeared. He was also now holding a Chicken & Mushroom Pot Noodle in his hands along with a fork. He walked back up to his co-worker's table, and said, "sorry about that." "Oh mate don't worry we all get the Pot Noodle Horn sometime." Tom then laughed hysterically as he bought drinks to say sorry. Sadly, Deplank died the other day after getting ran over by a truck while trying to steal some Pot Noodles from their factory. I think Deplank's struggle has taught us all a valuable lesson, and one which I doubt we will ever be truly able to forget.

The Pot Noodle Factory after seeing how easy it was for Deplank to break into their factory, tripled their security measures by hiring the Honey Monster to guard it with his furry fists of furriness. The Honey Monster was paid in buckets upon buckets of Sugar Puffs Cereal. Oh how he loved that sweet honey. The Honey Monster despite seeming very friendly on the outside actually possesses a darker side that not a lot of people know about. When Honey Monster sees people stealing from the factory, he goes into a fit of rage. Unlike anything I've ever seen before. He also becomes super fast like some kind of Sonic The Hedgehog, and will chase people down until they have to take a break from exhaustion. That's when Honey Monster strikes by killing the robber, before delivering the Noodles back to the factory in the morning. I should also mention that Pot Noodle hired him because Honey for whatever reason didn't like Pot Noodles at all. In fact, he hated them! I can't blame him really, as it's impossible for anything under the Sun to compete with the honey of Sugar Puffs.

Now then allow me to share an example of Honey Monster's aggressiveness, came when a robber named John Frog tried his best to break into the factory late one night at around 4'o clock in the morning. Well that's not at night then is it? Oh shut up reader before I make you scrub the floor! While trying to pick the lock, Honey Monster appeared from the shadows behind John Frog and sang, "Sugar Puff Sugar Puff oh honey Sugar Puff. Put em in the cupboard and they make you laugh!" "Oh fucking shit!" Frog yelled in despair as he run down the streets like a mad man. "Uh oh!" Honey Monster cried at the top of his lungs as he realised that John Frog had stolen a Pot Noodle from the rooftops. Yes they keep some Pot Noodles on the rooftops so that the pigeons can eat it. Now that's just a waste of noodles if I may say so myself!

Honey Monster then began chasing after John Frog while screaming, "I'll get you boyio!" Eventually, John Frog tried his best to evade Honey Monster by climbing onto the roofs of the nearby skyscrapers. Unfortunately for John Frog, Honey Monster was right behind him, and was faster than Sonic The Hedgehog. Within seconds, Honey Monster had caught up to John Frog who responded by safely floating off the skyscraper down to the ground below. He was able to do that thanks to some hover shoes which he had gotten for Christmas from Mr Potato Head many chilly Christmas mornings ago. So sad.

Anyways, John Frog then realised he had made a big mistake for he had accidentally fallen into a nearby thorn bush, and ended up getting stabbed to death by all the sharp and prickly thorns. Honey Monster laughed hysterically as he made his way down the skyscraper. How did he get down so quickly? Well buddy perhaps that's a question better left unanswered. Honey Monster continued laughing at John Frog whose blood was pouring out from his eyes which had been poked with thorns. Yeah Honey Monster is quite a sadistic bastard. Perhaps, he was the villain of this story all the time. Ooh the plot thickens! Honey Monster then proceeded to pick John Frog out from the thorn bush before angrily tossing his body into a nearby dumpster. He then proceeded to hand the Pot Noodle over to a sweet old lady. "There's a place for trash like him!" Honey Monster proclaimed as he and the old lady made their way over to Honey Monster's crib for a bowl of Sugar Puffs.

Now in regards to the Pot Noodle Horn, the company themselves have declined to comment on the situation. So, an incredibly rude news reporter named Gareth Eggplant sought to expose the truth himself. Eggplant has been a reporter likely since 2007 when he was seen on TV reporting about monkeys in a zoo or some shit. Not even sure to be honest with you. Anyways, Eggplant through the means of several emails and tweets was able to arrange an interview with Major Thornton a supposedly formerly army major who now owned a massive manor up in Walnut Pass. The Major claimed to be best friends with the head of Pot Noodle Industries, and thus offered to meet Eggplant at the Manor one day.

On one warm Sunday afternoon, Gareth Eggplant arrived at the Manor a little early for his interview. He always liked showing up early because he's quite a bastard if you couldn't already tell. Oh how I fucking hate that Gareth Eggplant. Anyways, Gareth then learned from one of the Major's butlers that Major Thornton had arranged a small golf game for himself and Eggplant to partake in before conducting the interview. The golf game was rather boring as Eggplant had never played gold before.

After the game ended, Major Thornton then suggested that the pair go out to McDonalds to pick up some McDonalds brand tissues for the Major had run out of them at this place. Oh no! They got into the Major's automobile however that's when things began to take a strange turn. STRANGER! Now in the automobile, Major Thornton began force feeding Eggplant some Ben & Jerry's Phish Food Ice Cream even though Eggplant was notoriously known for being lactose intolerant. "Oh my dear Eggy Eggplant you are quite a cheeky chocolate digestive biscuit!" Major Thornton proclaimed as he accidentally placed his foot down on the accelerator. This caused the automobile to crash into a nearby oak tree. Sadly, only the automobile was damaged, and both Eggplant and Major Thornton remained unscathed. The pair eventually got married in a private ceremony attended by the likes of Colonel Dodo. Who'd invite that turd am I right? Don't tell him that though! For I owe a great deal of oysters to that dreaded colonel who controls the five seas like they're his children or some shit.

Let's talk a little bit more about the Pot Noodle Horn itself now shall we? The Horn was created in a currently unspecified year. Some have speculated that the Horn was created when the dinosaurs were still around. Some say it was invented in the Victorian times to be used as a snake charm, and some have even gone as far to speculate that it was created in the times of the Black Death. Some theorists out there; believe that the Pot Noodle Horn was created to serve as a way of removing the badness from one's soul. Theorists believed that the people back then thought that by using the horn to remove the badness they would remove the plague. Sadly, if this story was true it didn't really work out well did it?

Over the years, so many people myself included, have speculated as to who the creator of the Horn could be. For the longest time, the most popular suspect was Merlin the Wizard. After helping King Arthur become king, Merlin had found himself living in the woods again with no real friends. Even Archimedes had left many moons ago to start up a go fund me which would help fund a new bird casino up in Las Venturas. Many speculate that following Archimedes' departure, Merlin stay secluded in his bed chamber and fell into a deep depression which seemed endless. Six days later, Merlin left the bed chamber a changed wizard, and produced the Pot Noodle Horn. According to my sources, they believed that Merlin created the Horn, and intended to use to get back at King Arthur. Sadly, Arthur never got addicted because Merlin couldn't get anywhere near him. Since he couldn't infect Arthur directly, Merlin supposedly threw fake Pot Noodles into the village where Arthur grew up. People quickly became hooked on the Noodles especially Sir Kay and Sir Ector. "That's four demerits!" Sir Ector proclaimed to a nearby lamp post following his newly found insanity. People speculate that soon the village was destroyed because of the Horn, but no one not even Arthur were able to pin Merlin for it.

Arthur actually suspected Mad Madam Mim to behind the catastrophe, and on the suggestion of Sir Asquith a decedent of General R. Asquith, placed the entire country under martial law until Mim showed herself. Sadly, she never did Remy she never did. Meanwhile, Merlin went on the run to Bermuda where he played the bongos in a band you may have seen in your dreams. However, this entire story turned out to be no more than an elaborate red herring. The events in the story never happened, and in fact Sir Ector is still alive to this day. He's isn't very sane anymore though, and has actually began talking to lampposts like he did in the story. He even married one. Now that's really sad. Like seriously stop laughing you cold hearted reader. I got something in my eye.

Now in reality, Merlin was perfectly fine when Archimedes left, and in fact actually encouraged the bird when it came to creating his go fund me page. Merlin had actually helped Archimedes with creating the go fund me since technology didn't exist in those smelly olden times. Oh the times when you could get 50 demerits by a man whose so cross he looks like he's winking. Oh man those were the times! Those were the times!

This story was so believed by many that it actually earned the attention of police commissioners Sam and Max. Sam and Max ordered a SWAT team to Merlin's house in the woods in order to find out if the Pot Noodle Horn was held there or not. Sadly, the SWAT team came back empty handed. Merlin was surprisingly not fazed at all by the SWAT team entering his home at 3'o clock in the afternoon, and offered them a cup of tea and some crumpets. Oh what a gentlemen that wizard is isn't he reader? Reader? Reader? Oh did you fall asleep on me again! You salmon! Anyways, Merlin then proceeded to explain his innocence to the SWAT team, and they believed him. They then held a Skype call with Sam and Max where they proceeded to report their failures to the commissioners. Sam and Max also believed Merlin's story, but remained baffled as to how the Pot Noodle Horn could have came to be. That's when Sam of all people got an idea. "Jumping honey nut cheerio's Max! I got a great idea little buddy!" Sam proclaimed as he leaped out from his chair. "This isn't like the time you took me fly fishing is it?" Max asked to which Sam responded with, "afraid not Max. I got a little idea as to who our mysterious Horn maker might be."

Sam and Max then headed outside the police station, and caught a cab to the North Pole. Yes the North Pole. How was a cable able to cross the sea? Well I don't fucking know! Ask Mother Hubbert or something? I don't have all the answers okay? I'm just one author. Arriving in the North Pole, Sam and Max discovered that Santa Clause's workshop had been overrun by Robot Santa. The real person who delivered our presents on Christmas Eve. Robot Santa was the one who delivered the toys while the human Santa meanwhile just slept in his bed all year around until December 24th. Also contrary to now he is portrayed in the media, human Santa is a proper miserable sod, and so are his annoying chav elves.

Sam and Max then offered to help the Elves in stopping Robot Santa's rampage just as long as they got to ask some questions afterwards. The pair made their way inside Santa's workshop where they then proceeded to suggest playing a game of Domino's to which Robot Santa. The deal was simple if Robot Santa won; Sam and Max would be forced to work as elves in the workshop for all entirety, and if Santa won, then the pair would finally learn the truth about the Pot Noodle Horn. Seems like a fair match to me! Thankfully, Sam and Max managed to win. Well I say Sam but truth be told Max was the one who won the game. You see; as a small pup, Sam was often tormented by family friend and Lionel Richie imposter: Burton Wieldsworth. Wieldsworth had grown up in Oakton City where Dominos were viewed as a way of life not a game.

Wieldsworth yelled at Sam all through the night when he couldn't play Dominos greatly. It was also rumoured and later found to be true that Wieldsworth was a member of the Domino Sunset Vista Club which was based in Empire Bay's lower East Side. Wieldsworth himself was a high-ranking member of the club, and all members had dress up as life size Domino pieces. The club often declared wars on fellow clubs such as the chess and connect 4 clubs. It was a big conspiracy. Some say that the club closed it's doors sometime in the early to mid 2000's, but others say it's still open to this day, and that Wieldsworth is still very much a member. Also, the club spend the rest of their time playing Domino's, and following the orders of the grand duke who was the oldest man in the world. He was about 9000 years old. Yeah not even joking on that one. The duke was the only club member to not dress up as a Domino piece. This was done in order to distinguish himself from the other club members.

Wow! That was an incredibly long tangent; sorry but don't worry I ordered us some Domino's Pizza. It tastes like fucking shit but what can you do? Now, after beating Robot Santa in the game, Sam and Max were dismayed to learn that Santa was actually a liar, and that he knew nothing about the Pot Noodle Horn. Truth be told, all Robot Santa wanted was a friend. Sam and Max responded to this by beating the shit out of Robot Santa before setting fire to the Dominos game. I just hope the duke doesn't hear about this! He gets very angry when.... oh dear I've said too much!

Upon leaving the workshop, Sam and Max asked one of the elves about where the real Santa was. "Oh he's up in Jupiter on the beach with Mrs Clause." The elf answered while making a snowman. "That's where we've got to go!" Sam proclaimed as Max joked "I heard girls went to Jupiter to get more stupider!" "Well that maybe the case Max, but we've got to know the truth. We're far too deep into the game to back out now." Sam said as he and Max hijacked Robot Santa's sleigh GTA style before using it to fly towards Jupiter. Robot Santa ran outside and began shooting at the sleigh with his machine gun. Sadly, it had no effect as the pair soon crash landed on Jupiter.

Arriving on Jupiter, Sam and Max were dismayed to learn that real Santa was on holiday not just with Mrs Clause but also with the annoying chav elves. "Santa!" Max proclaimed at the very top of his lungs as both he and Max began running down the beaches of Jupiter towards Santa. Real Santa meanwhile was busy trying to build a sandman when he saw the pair running towards him. "Oh buggering buggerton!" Real Santa muttered as he pulled out a a fricking disco ball as he challenged Sam and Max to a massive dance off in order to find out more about the Pot Noodle Horns. However Sam had apparently had enough of this bull crap as he pulled out a sawed off shotgun before saying, "say hello to my little friend!" He then proceeded to shoot Santa in the face killing him instantly. "Sam why did you kill Santa?" Max asked in a surprisingly nonchalant tone of voice. "It's a long story little buddy a really long story." Sam said as the pair made their way back to Earth. "Whose gonna pay for me car insurance now?" Mrs Clause asked when all of the sudden Gio The Go Compare Man appeared beside her on the beach. "Oh dear!" Mrs Clause cried in despair as she was then chased down the beaches of Jupiter by Gio.

Arriving back on Earth, Sam and Max arrived at their apartment on Yucker Street. In the apartment, Sam proceeded to tell his story to Max. You see; Tom Deplank was actually a good friend of Sam. When Deplank died because of his foolishness that came from his addiction, Sam fell into a dark place, and realised that the only way to get redemption was by finding out who created the Horn. Sam then planned on killing the creator which would in his mind avenge Deplank's death. Even though, Deplank died because of his own stupidity not because of the Pot Noodle Horn. Whatever I guess we gots to pin the blame on something I suppose. Max then asked Sam why he believed Real Santa to be responsible. "I dunno." Sam responded as he made his way inside the kitchen in order to make a cup of hot sweet tea.

The following day, Sam and Max revealed that the Merlin story was a hoax at a press conference in Brixton. The pair revealed that Merlin was just a sweet old wizard, and this is when conspiracy nuts went even more nuts. They started suspecting everyone under the sun of being involved with the Pot Noodle Horn. Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Vladimir Putin, Issacs Newton, Stephen Fry, Will Smith, Jack Black, Jim Carrey, Rabe Maniels etc. You name a celebrity at the top of your head, and the chances are the theorists probably made a theory about them being responsible for the Pot Noodle Horn.

Eventually, Pot Noodle Industries grew tired of the constant amount of conspiracy theorists, and devised a way to get rid of them. Mr Crane a senior executive of the company was ordered to kidnap the theorists, and bring them to work in the ice caverns. The ice caverns was where all unruly members of society were sent to. Mr Crane headed to the local junkyard where the theorists were discussing the possibility of ping pong balls being behind World War II. Crane was able to get the theorists to climb into the truck he was driving by promising them free food and refreshments. After the backdoor to the truck opened, Mr Crane proclaimed, "oh smell that smell! Burgers, chips, sausage, beans, extra crunchy crisps, Jammie Dodgers, and most importantly hot sweet tea! All for free so come and get it!" The theorists then quickly hurried themselves onto the truck, but just as they realised what was going on the doors to the truck were closed on them. "Take them away." Mr Crane said coldly to one of his bodyguards as the truck began speeding towards the ice caverns.

In the ice caverns, the theorists were found to be very terrible workers so the head of Pot Noodle Industries; John Lumic ordered Mr Crane to give the theorists the Pot Noodle treatment. Crane began force feeding the Pot Noodles to the Theorists who just like Tom Deplank and John Frog; quickly became hopelessly addicted to it. Once they were fully addicted, Mr Crane and Lumic were able to have absolute control over the theorists. Crane warned the theorists that if they did not follow his orders, then they would receive any more Pot Noodles.

John Lumic head of Pot Noodle Industries is a dying man. Well at least; that's what Lumic claims. In reality, he is very fit and healthy. He only uses a wheelchair because to be frank he's rather lazy. Despite being incredibly lazy, Lumic was also a remarkably intelligent man. He had built the entire Pot Noodle corporation from the ground up from a small corner shop corner store to a multi million dollar company. Lumic was fully aware of the Pot Noodle Horn, but was not the one who created it despite what the theorists believe. Lumic however uses the Horn to his advantage in order to bend weak willed people like Deplank and John Frog into doing his bidding. He used the Pot Noodles as payment whenever they ran errands for him. In both cases, Deplank and John Frog both died in circumstances where they were following orders for Lumic. It was also said that even Lumic's right-hand man Mr Crane was addicted to Pot Noodles, and it's not very hard to see why. Thankfully, Crane got what was coming to him.

One very late evening, Crane headed to Pot Noodles Industries where he made a really boring speech to John Lumic about wanting to become Lumic's brother. It was so fricking boring that Lumic nearly fell asleep during it, but then Crane let out a fart which made Lumic pull an incredibly smelly face. "You've known me a long time Sir. Believe me Sir knowing you so long; I know exactly what to do!" Crane proclaimed as he ran towards John Lumic, and began force feeding Pot Noodles to the helpless wheelchair bound man. I mean Lumic could have just got up, and punched Crane out, but he decided nac oes, and just sat put while Crane very nearly killed him. Thankfully, Mr Crane was then killed after he was electrocuted by the conspiracy theorists who had been converted into cybermen. Yes you see; along with running Pot Noodle Industries, John Lumic also ran Cybus Industries.

John Lumic clutched his chest tightly as one of the cybermen said, "you are in pain we can remove pain." "No I just need some Bramston Pickle." Lumic said as the cyberman responded with, "you will watch Big Bang Theory that will cure you." The cybermen then began pushing Lumic towards the living room which had Big Bang Theory on full volume. "No I command you no!" Lumic cried in despair but it was too late for he disappeared into the living room. Some say he is still watching Big Bang Theory to this day. Well not really, because I saw him on the tube the other day, and he seemed incredibly disturbed. Yeah watching Big Bang Theory will do that to ya.

So the Pot Noodle Horn; I suppose it's a mystery to us all really. Who made the horn? Who made Pot Noodles so addictive? I don't know why you don't sing about it! Buckie and I are sorry to have once again end on this on such a whimper. However, sadly to this day, no one and I repeat no one; knows who created the Pot Noodle Horn. If not even John Lumic; head of Pot Noodles Industries knows who created it; then perhaps it's best that the world never knows the truth.

From what I've heard; a Resistance group called Anti Noodles have set themselves up at Montgomery Castle. Last I heard, they were asking people if their father ever rode a bike. I don't think those Anti Noodle fools are that dumb honestly. For shame!

So then I guess that's the end of our incredibly long but somewhat heart warming tale; now go outside, and get some sunlight. You look paler than a bucket you'd find on Jupiter beaches. Oh and yes since you keep fricking asking me; yes I have got the Pot Noodle Horn! It's big and brassy and I'm going to blow it! Also I should mention that I'm writing this down while in the waiting line at Tesco. The security guard doesn't look very happy that I'm taking so long to finish typing. I think he's still mad that he hasn't made his big break yet, and can you blame him really? No you can't! So don't even try! Goodbye true readers I hope to see you again yeah? We could have a cup of tea and some eggs and chips, and maybe a nice little pot. Oh yeah a nice little pot of noodles!