Florida Man

"*Everybody knows that when you see a headline starting with the words Florida Man, it's about to be an entertaining story.*"
―Erik
Florida Man is the 130th lesson of Internet Comment Etiquette. It was released on May 17, 2021.

## Summary

Erik decides that this lesson should be about taking it easy, so he takes his students to Florida to meet Florida Man. He watches a news story of a man swinging a sword to take some guy's cart. He wants to find another funny Florida Man story, but he finds one about a Florida Man beating his daughter.

Erik watches a news story about a man that set a raccoon on fire for eating his mangoes, and the man promises not to set any more raccoons on fire. After seeing another terrible Florida Man story, Erik finds a video compilation of funny Florida Men. He watches news stories of a Florida Man taking a shit on some guy's driveway and a Florida Man falling from the sky onto a car. He leaves a comment and plays the ad segment while he makes more popcorn.

Erik watches a video of a Florida Man having sex with a stuffed Olaf toy. He teaches the commenters how to leave a long comment and tries to find another Florida Man story. The next few stories he looks at are all depressing, but then he finds a whole family of Florida Men that got arrested for selling a fake COVID-19 cure. He watches the video and realizes that it's about Mark Grenon and the Genesis II Church of Health & Healing selling MMS. Todd Clorox takes over and demands to know where the hat is.

Erik tries to find a positive Florida Man story, so he watches a video about a Florida Man that developed an underwater Glock to kill invasive lionfish. Then Erik tries to find one more Florida Man story, but it's another one about setting animals on fire.

## Comments

*Hey come collect your Florida Man because he's out here trying to play bushido blade in real life LOL. I feel bad for that wheelbarrow though because it has to live in Florida*
- Erik

*I didn't realize that was illegal. That's how I kill all the raccoons that get set in my traps: pour some paint thinner on them and take a grill lighter to it. If they're fortunate, they die in under a minute. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, but what can you do?*
- MrAnthonyIII

*One thing you could do is dress up as a giant raccoon and lure it in because it'll think you're some kind of raccoon god, then you can easily place it in a pet carrier and drive it over to my place where I'll light it on fire. Actually, that probably won't work because someone might mistake you for a raccoon and set you on fire first. People don't talk about this enough but raccoons are actually very intelligent. I've been training the raccoons at my local park to light themselves on fire because it's more humane if they do it, and then I field-goal kick them into the nearest alligator's mouth.*
- Erik

*You lazy piece of shit make your own content for a change. These news stations need to feed their families and you're keeping them from making a living by freebooting all their Florida Man stories. Also, I'm sick and tired of all this anti-Florida propaganda! My name is Daryl Toyota and I'm from Christmas, Florida. Yeah that's right my town's named after Christmas, we're a very real town in Florida and we have a very real meth problem. So stop making fun of us or I'm gonna take a shit on your driveway and set a raccoon on fire go gators*
- Erik

*Just be glad they didn't have any stuffed raccoon toys in there or the locals woulda burned the whole place down. Don't be so hard on this kid, he just wanted to fuck a stuffed Olaf from "Frozen." The Target by me had to install blacklights over the stuffed Olaf section because people kept showing up to blow fat wads all over these things. Something about that little snowman really makes people wanna glaze him like a donut and then leave him behind to sit in complete misery. I even went to see “Frozen” in a Tampa theater and it felt like I was stepping into an orgy, just Florida Men firing nuts at the screen like a carnival game from hell anytime Olaf showed up. And then someone's alligator got loose and we all had to clear out while the staff set it on fire.*
- Erik

*WHERE'S THE FUCKIN HAT MARK? I WANNA GET IT AND OWN IT AND GRAFT IT TO MY SKIN WITH BLEACH SO THE FEDS CAN'T TAKE IT LIKE THEY TOOK YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. NO HATS ALLOWED IN PRISON MARK, THAT'S WHY I KNOW IT'S STILL OUT THERE AND I'M GONNA FIIIIND IT. AND WHEN I GET YOUR HAT I'M GONNA USE IT LIKE A CUP TO DRINK BLEACH. MMMM I HEAR PRISON BLEACH TASTES AWFUL, AWWGH YOU'RE GONNA HATE IT MARK. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS MARK WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE THE BLEACH KING YOU'RE NOT THE BLEACH KING. THE REAL BLEACH KING IS ME,**TODD CLOROX.**I HOPE YOU FEEL IT WHEN I GET YOUR HAT MARK. I HOPE YOU FEEL IT RIGHT IN YOUR LITTLE BLEACH HOLE YOU HATLESS FREAK.*
- Todd Clorox

*God bless Florida, the sunshine state, land of bath salt zombies and concealed carry samurai swords. When I die, please airdrop my body over Florida with a bunch of gunpowder up my asshole and see how long it takes for someone to set me on fire. Speaking of which I bet this gasoline shortage is about to cause a boom in the raccoon population over there. How is Florida going to handle common yard pests without their favorite form of accelerant? Maybe the dude from this video can invent an underwater gun that works on dry land so people can place chunks of tannerite in their yard and blow them up when raccoons get close.**All I know is there's nothing in all the world quite like a Florida Man, or at least that's what I've been led to believe based on clickbait headlines from journalists with full access to arrest records thanks to Florida's Sunshine Law. I mean who knows I'm never actually gonna visit Florida fuck that place the only reason the whole state hasn't caught fire yet is because the hurricanes keep putting it out go gators*
- Erik

## Context

1. ↑ There is in fact a town in Florida named Christmas.
2. ↑ When this video was posted, there was a major gasoline shortage in the United States after hackers attacked the Colonial Pipeline computers and consumers began panic buying gasoline.
3. ↑ A Sunshine Law is a law requiring transparency and disclosure in government operations. Florida has a strong Sunshine Law that provides public access to all of the criminal activity that takes place in Florida. As a result, news stories about crimes disproportionately come from Florida.

## Video

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