217: HEY, Nobody Caught Me!

## Summary

In Crumplemeyer's office, the group have many topics for discussion: the weird goings on since leaving Barovia, the plethora of unusual gods, how and when Chilchirah started eating them, who might be running *Tomorrow, Today!*, why Will and Batthwack are wearing identical crowns, and patrons both good and bad. Selenia also reveals she fled Tivoli after her husband was killed by Will's organised crime gang, not that she knows Will had anything to do with it. Gwen also finds her entry in the *Tomorrow, Today!* intelligence they stole, revealing that they have been spying on her for some time. Batthwack then suddenly announces he wants to go into town despite how dangerous that would be, only to discover that Crumplemeyer has locked them in.

## Synopsis

Raphina asks Hilula to remind them why she's trying to get back to Beartoggle. Hilula says she's taking something back there. She won't say what it is, but it has to do with the state of Beartoggle. Will leadingly asks Hilula how she's feeling since Dew disappeared. Hilula says it was naturally quite alarming, and expects everyone else feels the same, especially as they'd travelled with him for some time. Gwen asks if Dew was from Barovia. Will explains that he'd lived there his entire life, and points out that they didn't know him very well. Will asks Gwen if she's heard of gnomes and she hasn't. Another weird thing. Will says there's so much weird stuff that Tivoli probably doesn't exist, but Selenia insists it does. Will agrees, but maybe it's not "here".

Batthwack asks Raphina if she'll stay in Beartoggle, and she says she might continue exploring now she knows about all the gods. Will says he's curious about Chilchirah and wants to know where he got the idea of eating gods. Mo says Chilchirah was an outsider, not an original member of the clan. He doesn't know exactly when Chilchirah started eating gods because he wasn't close enough to the inner circle, but soon after Chilchirah arrived, Mo heard stories of someone who had the power of gods, then Chilchirah took over and it all followed after that. Mo says he didn't follow politics and Will says that's all he follows. Mo doesn't think that's healthy.

Batthwack suggests they step out to get dinner, but Will doesn't think they should. He says his next priority after finding Tivoli is taking down *Tomorrow, Today!*. He opens his bag and starts setting out all the papers, artefacts and books that he collected up from the *Tomorrow, Today!* office. Gwen also gets out the book that she took. Batthwack grabs a piece of paper. It's the middle of a budget report. There's Waterside business names mentioned, but he can't see Gwen's business. There's mentions of *Piner Things* and *Threaded Stock*. Batthwack shows it to Gwen. She says it looks like a quarterly report. These businesses would either pay rent to *Tomorrow, Today!* or be joint owned by them. Will says *Tomorrow, Today!* is more than just a business, whatever's at the head is some sort of organisation or cult. Batthwack suggests *"...or a god"*. Raphina suggests it could be Blinsky. Will doesn't think he'd have the business knowledge to run *Tomorrow, Today!*. Gwen reminds the group they said they'd seen a similar teleportation brazier in Barovia. Raphina says Blinsky got possessed and worries about all the residual stuff from Barovia. Will says he doesn't think Blinsky would do this willingly and he's reminded of the Swirly Man and what happened to him in the cell. Will says maybe they *should* just quit and get out of here. Raphina shouts him down, *"That's not an option!"* Will is offended that Batthwack suggested the same thing earlier. *"How come it was OK when King Batthwack said it?!"* Will reminds her that he has a crown too and briefly drops his illusory disguise to show them his crooked crown.

Gwen asks why it is they have crowns on. Raphina's been wondering that too. Batthwack explains how they were separated in the forest when he saw a crown on the ground, touched it and then it was on his head. He says what happened was *"Something like this."* He explains it's King Barov's crown, which they saw the first time in Castle Ravenloft. *"And now for some reason it is on my head."* *"For some reason, he says"* repeats Will accusingly. Batthwack points out there's a crown on Will's head too. Will points out that his is the real crown, the one they picked up and that Will's been carrying in his pack. He put it on to mock Batthwack and it stuck. Gwen tries to move Batthwack's crown but it won't budge. Raphina reminds everyone that it was Batthwack who chose Zantras the Kingmaker's gift from the Amber Temple. Batthwack asks Will if he ever talked to Zantras and he says he'd never heard that name before 10 minutes ago. Will says it's suspicious that nobody saw Batthwack put the crown on and Batthwack says it's suspicious that the other crown stuck to Will's head too. Will doesn't believe Batthwack when he says the crown just appeared on his head. Batthwack avoids the questioning and Will says he clearly doesn't want to tell everyone what happened. Batthwack says Will isn't being forthcoming either about what happened to him in the forest.

Will says he actually did tell them what happened to him; he saw a god that wasn't supposed to be there, a god from Tivoli. Selenia perks up at this, saying *"Zol Berdia"*? Will is very excited to hear her say that. She explains they're the god of forgiveness, the patron god of Tivoli. Will says it's been a long time since he saw them. Raphina points out how odd it is that both Will and Gwen saw things they weren't expecting, but Gwen explains that she called Moondreamer. Will has a thought and asks the group who from their past has a history of showing up in different guises. Batthwack sees what he's getting at and suggests Will's patron. Gwen is amazed to hear Will has a patron. He says he wouldn't call them that. *"I used to be in a bad business deal with a shitty demon"* he says, though he admits he doesn't actually know if they were a demon. He recalls that Madam Eva later claimed it was her in the guise of the Swirly Man all along. Batthwack says she was destroyed as far as they know. He also says she apparently got her powers from the dark powers at the temple, meaning that Will's powers therefore also came from the dark powers. Raphina points out that Lank was also recruited like Will was. Will explains to Gwen that Lank was someone who travelled with them, who was involved in a lot of stuff. He beat up Will's sister. Gwen says Will shouldn't be so proud that a demon patron sought him out. Will deflects this, saying that she just feels better than everybody because she's a princess. Gwen says *"I'm not a princess. These titles are just... Yuck."* Gwen says the group could use a little more good. Will disagrees, pointing at both Batthwack and Raphina. He says he brings a little balance to the group, meaning they can do things like taking down cults. Batthwack wonders if they were stronger when they had the dark powers. Raphina and Will disagree. Will says it wasn't cool to be under the thumb of an evil entity.

Gwen says to Will *"You can have something from my little purple glittery pouch of unknown origin."* He's not interested. Gwen says she gave the underground pipe workers some candy from it, but has to admit she has no idea if they're still ok. Raphina suggests using a spell to try and reveal anything bad about it. She casts *Find Traps* but turns up nothing. Will says he doesn't know much about magic. He asks Batthwack if he has a patron. *"I don't think so. I mean, you call the god that I pray to a patron?"* he says. Will says he never studied magic in Tivoli. He looks at Selenia again, wanting to question her, but it's unsure about doing so in front of everyone. He says there's a custom that when two Tivolians have news to share, they always do so with each other first. That sounds convincing enough to the rest of the group, but Selenia says she's lived there her whole life and it isn't one of their customs.Selenia asks if Will wants her to tell him who she is. She says they can talk in private if Will wants to. Raphina says Will should be more trusting. Gwen suggests they do "trust falls" and Will thinks this is a great business idea for her: corporate retreats (with an emphasis on the treats). Gwen says she has no more money to start a business but Will says if she came back to Tivoli he'd start her business up. Selenia says she can't go back there. Will asks why. Selenia explains her husband was a businessman in Tivoli. He was in real estate. He worked for someone named Caspar DeCorci. One day a criminal organisation came in and killed Caspar and others that worked for him. They even killed their families too. Selenia was one of those. Her husband died, but she was able to hide and flee. Will looks awkward and asks when this was. *"Was it weeks ago, or was it seven years, six months and two days ago?"* Selenia says that's about right. Will asks her if she's sad that Caspar's dead and she says he was a good man, ran a successful business and made a good living. Batthwack asks why she won't go back. She says she has nothing left of her life there. Will asks if anyone has any ideas what happened. Selenia says she would hope the authorities were investigating. Batthwack wonders if they can seek justice when they get to Tivoli. Will says he knew Caspar and says he was not a good person. Will says she might have been too sheltered to know. Selenia says she didn't have a job of her own, but she did move in social circles. Raphina asks if she knows some of Will's family and mentions Curtis. She doesn't think she does. Batthwack asks if Curtis' surname is "Pompion" and Will through gritted teeth says it is. Selenia still seems nonplussed and Will is relieved.

Gwen, who's been flicking through her *Tomorrow, Today!* book, suddenly spots her name. It says *"Thagwen Drestegen (not a known dragonborn clan name)"* and goes on to list her height and weight. It then says, *"Owner of: Celestial Confections (candies and sweets)"* along with the address, rent and suchlike. Below that it then reads *"Known associates: Aleister Corneo, unregistered dragonborn, unregistered human, unregistered half-orc, unregistered -----"*. Then it says *"Transgressions: exceeding legal occupancy of a private residence, commerce without a permit, attempted arson, dining and dashing."* With some alarm, Gwen notes that this book contains very recent stuff about her, and even who was at her house. She says she didn't ever give permission to have her information written down like this, she didn't even have to register or anything, so how did they get all this info? Will says, rather too knowingly, *"I think that cult-y/criminal-y/morally bankrupt places might be able to gather information on town citizens."* Gwen is amazed that even with magic, they are able to keep track of everyone. Wondering about the blank that *Tomorrow, Today!* drew on Raphina, Will hypothesises that there could be other versions of them out there and perhaps the real Raphina is somewhere else. He grabs his hair and pinches himself.

Batthwack wonders out lout what time it is. He decides it must be round 7 or 8 o'clock. He tells the group that he needs to step out for a minute and asks if Will can disguise him. Will says he is too tapped out of spell power, but is also suspicious of why he suddenly wants to go out. Batthwack says he wants to go shopping and it won't take long. Will asks what he's shopping for. They're in danger as wanted criminals, so going out is not a good idea. He says that if Batthwack got caught that would put everyone at risk. Batthwack argues that if *Tomorrow, Today!* knew where they were they'd be here already. Will suggests waiting until the morning when they're rested and he can cast magic again. Clearly frustrated (and unable to take no for an answer) Batthwack says *"Disguise or no disguise, I'm leaving."* He heads to the door to leave, only to discover that it's locked.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Abby/Raphina. *"I think that if Will can just do a little trust building with this lady [Selenia] then maybe he'll be a little bit more forthcoming once he's discovered stuff. There's just a chance."* says Raphina. Will retorts *"Trust building with this lady? I haven't even done trust building with you and I've been around you for three weeks!"* Gwen asks if they can do "Trust Falls" and everyone imagines their characters just falling straight over. Eric says *"Will's left standing. Everybody else is just on the ground."* *"HEY! Nobody caught me!"* shouts Raphina.
* Any other Pork Fried Dice memes / non-canon moments / interesting facts that you think are worth noting

## References

1. ↑ We know that the thing she's trying to return to Beartoggle is Raphina herself! See episode 187: We Have a Lot To Discover About Raphina's Digestive System
2. ↑ Batthwack isn't lying, just cleverly leaving out the part of the story where he spoke to Zantras the Kingmaker. See episode 187: We Have a Lot To Discover About Raphina's Digestive System.
3. ↑ See episode 138: Hello Kitty Lockpick Set
4. ↑ Batthwack did his best to block Will from speaking to Zantras. See episode 120: We Have to Defeat Batthwack Now
5. ↑ While this might generally be true of the way that Gwen communicates with Moondreamer, she has actually misremembered the events in her cell. On that occasion they were not called; they appeared to her unexpectedly while she was banging on the door.
6. ↑ See episode 163: Physician, Heal Thyself
7. ↑ This happened while Lank was employed as an enforcer in Caspar DeCorci's crime organisation in Tivoli. See episode 75: This Corruption, It Affects Pronouns
8. ↑ He successfully lied to the group about this before, when wanting to have a secret talk with Lank. See episode 132: High Fetlock
9. ↑ Batthwack is presumably lying. He had agreed to meet up again with the halflings he spoke to in *Swigging Out* earlier in the day. This was to finalise the details of the job he'd hired Neera for. See episode 203: Wa-Marko