Paula Deen

Paula Deen being exposed as Large Pig (674 A.D.)

**Paula Deen** (unknown-*present*) is an infamous figure in the scope of the Rebabone Universe. Deen was first introduced after odd noises were coming from inside Large Pig at the Rebabone Town Square around 674 A.D., when it was revealed that Paula Deen had fallen from the sky with Large Pig. Paula Deen is famous for working and operating in Hell, Michigan for hundreds of years before being obliterated and forced to move back to Rebabone after Janley Manley vs. the Citizens of Hell was settled. Deen was famously known as the second coming of Large Pig and a central figure in Kektuncian Religion, becoming a cult icon. Deen is also a famous musician in Rebabone.

## Life and career

### Early Life

Nothing is known about Deen's early life, however, Large Pig shat out Paula Deen around 674 A.D.. Paula Deen became a famous cook, baking recipes that called for foster kids, orphans, baby fingers, Tracy's lips, and cat semen. Earning a contract with the Food Network while in Hell, Paula Deen started her first cooking show, "Paula Deen's Blast from the Ass", featuring recipes to summon demons, meth lab setup tutorials, and cooking Michael's balls.

### Paula Deen's Blast from the Ass (690 AD-1996)

Becoming the longest syndicated show in history, Paula Deen's Blast from the Ass featured famous guests throughout history, such as King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, Charlemagne, Steve Harvey, Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Queen Elizabeth II, Bigfoot Killpeople, former mayor of New York Bill de Blasio, Jeff Epstein, Dr. Phil, M Slinccy, and Lamont J. Slinccy. During an infamous episode with Icelandic singer-songwriter Björk, Paula Deen asked the singer if she was "Björking her Bjüssy", which resulted in Björk shooting Paula Deen 73 times in the face. Deen then rapidly expanded to become Large Pig in the studio and murdered Björk, causing the singer to become an omnipotent presence and demon who would torture everyone for the next 3,000 years.

In 1190 AD, Paula Deen celebrated 500 years of syndication by inviting Jesus Christ to the show, and prepared a "crucifixion pie" for the Lord. It resulted in the crucifixion of Christ on live television, with thousands of people appearing at Deen's door the next day, setting her mansion in Hell ablaze. Deen survived and proceeded to launch the entirety of the Church of the Latter-Day Saints into the troposphere, causing no commotion whatsoever because nobody fucking cared.

In 1213, Janley Manley extended her massive fucking gargantuan neck and obliterated the entirety of Hell, Michigan, including Paula's home cooking studio, Hell-In-A-Handbasket. After the destruction of Hell, Paula Deen was forced to relocate her show to Rebabone, where she would create new recipes for napalm, anthrax, meth, cocaine, arson, sexually transmitted diseases, COVID-19, and the bubonic plague.

In 1492, Christopher Columbus sailed across the ocean blue to appear on Deen's show. After landing in "India", Columbus gathered a group of Taíno people, asking Deen to boil them into a new form of Ramen. After Deen declined the offer, Columbus attempted to colonize the entirety of the Untied Satans, but was shot dead by the reanimated corpse of Franklin Roosevelt at the steps of the Kektuncy Capitol Building.

In 1517, Paula Deen invited Martin Luther to the show after nailing 95 reasons why the Catholic Church should turn itself into an abortion. Deen also invited the current pope, Leo X. The three together made a new recipe for homicide, which created the Lutheran Church, before Pope Leo X imploded himself and turned into a hoecake.

Inviting the Spanish Inquisition onto the show in the latter half of the 16th century, Paula Deen was accused of witchcraft and heresy for renouncing her faith in the Catholic Church and instead becoming a devout follower of Large Pig. Paula Deen cooked a concoction of fleas, rats, and lepracy, creating the Bubonic Plague in order to wipe out the entirety of the world's population, minus those living in the Untied Satans of Murica.

In 1663, Paul Blart Mall Cop starred as the host of Blast from the Ass after Deen took time off to serve as Supreme Court Justice of the United States, in which she pardoned Jeffrey Dahmer to be a guest on the show. When Deen returned to the show, she shot Paul Blart Mall Cop dead on live television before resuming the show as normal with Dahmer. Deen famously came up with a recipe for "phaguettes", French bread with bits and pieces of James Charles. This incident created the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and after Deen was apprehended on live television for the 474th time during the show's broadcast, the show was temporarily canceled until 1775, when Paul Revere was asked to give a live statement after having a schizophrenia attack on the country roads in Middlesex County, hallucinating King George III pole dancing on a church bell tower at midnight.

Deen caused the Great Chicago Fire in 1871 after cooking Large Pig's transona, Large Sow, on the show. Large Sow launched herself into the Sears Tower at mach 890, resulting in a massive explosion that incinerated the entirety of Chicago.

After the show's ratings began to fall in the late 1920s due to new prohibition laws, Deen decided to revive the show by bringing then-chancellor of Germany, Adolf Hitler, onto the show, to cook methane gas in an oven in the Vienna Academy of Fine Arts in 1933. After the entirety of Austria was completely obliterated off the face of the earth, Deen became the face of Nazi propaganda in Germany, alongside Hitler, and would then swallow the entirety of the Rhineland in her gaping vagina before French, British, and American troops blitzkrieged the shit out of Paula Deen, resulting in a sudden surplus in butter for the next 10 years.

In 1953, newly crowned Queen Elizabeth II was a guest for Paula Deen's Blast from the Ass. On this particular episode, Paula Deen was asked to keep things "toned down" for Her Majesty, as she was sensitive to many subjects. As usual, Paula Deen sacrificed the entire British Navy, including the deceased passengers of the RMS Titanic, boiling and blending them with chicken nuggets from McDonald's, and dumping 800 tons of British tea into the Boston Harbor, resulting in the resurrection of King George III, Tecumseh, and William Henry Harrison, resulting in the Second American Revolution, in which all three parties were euthanized by the current American government. Appalled, Elizabeth II left the show in absolute ruin, hiding from the public eye for more than 50 years, until it was revealed that her true identity was Bigfoot Killpeople, and would reappear on September 11, 2001.

Sparking the Vietnam War in 1968, Paula Deen took her show to Cambodia to gather inspiration for new recipes. Deen ended up learning the recipe to napalm, using it on millions of innocent civilians before booking out of the country with Jane Fonda, becoming America's most-wanted whore. Paula made an appearance following the incident on ABC News and famously said, "Fuck the children. Fuck America. Fuck God. Fuck the church. Fuck my life.", proceeding to call Al Qaeda to ABC News Headquarters, resulting in a reduction of fake news media.

In 1981, Deen was accused of conspiring to assassinate the current president, Ronald Reagan, after cooking a gun and bullets that were provided to John Warnock Hinckley, Jr. Deen was found not guilty, and upon hearing the information, mailed anthrax to every government official who has ever lived, resulting in her actual arrest. Deen would not return to the show until 1985.

In 1996, Paula Deen assassinated Guy Fieri, Wendy Williams, and Princess Diana of Wales via space laser beams, after a massive meth lab explosion in her kitchen bounced off Elon Musk's starlink satellites, causing Diana's car accident, Wendy Williams' grave's disease, and Guy Fieri's cooking show to be nuked. Her show was then taken off the air after 1,306 years of broadcast, and was replaced with Curious George, before his death in 2023.

### Presidential campaign and August 2 (2020)

In 2019, Paula Deen announced her campaign for president of the United States, running for the Fascist Party. Her campaign slogan "Adios America" was stolen from Lamont J. Slinccy's campaign for president, causing Slinccy to file a lawsuit against Deen. Deen refused to allow Slinccy to win the case, but ultimately failed after Lamont shoved Paula Deen up his ass on December 7, 2020, resulting in her suffication and death. Deen was unfortunately revived by Large Pig hours after the incident. On August 2, 2020, the world ended, in which it was revealed that Paula Deen was actually God. It was also revealed that God was a scam, and that the entirety of Christianity was actually just Paula Deen's Blast from the Ass, which was now rebranded as Pat Robertson's 700 Club on TBN. Paula Deen, along with the Holy Quartet, ended up stopping pyrocrastic flows from the Yellowstone Supervolcano from reaching Rebabone, saving the world.

### Musical Career (2020-present)

Collaborating with the demonic entity formerly known as Björk, Paula Deen released her first album, titled "Pussy Queef Shart Balls", which instantaneously reached #1 on the charts. However, Rotten Janleys gave the album a -1000000000% rating, which resulted in Large Pig launching himself into the Rotten Janleys headquarters at mach 7244, which caused Simon Cowell to be launched into the stratosphere, eventually landing in the former site of the World Trade Center, causing a nuclear catastrophe in New Björk City.

Deen released a mixtape in 2023, titled "Why Donald Trump Is Jesus", which resulted in her losing her record contract and getting shot 789 times by Kamala Harris.

## Personal Life

Paula Deen identifies as Large Pig, as a result of her schizophrenia. After doing ecstasy and pot for nearly 2,000 years, Deen suffers from black lung and 74 forms of cancer, as well as racism. A good friend of Deen, Vanna White, testified to Deen cooking at least 3 billion foster kids on her syndicated series before its cancellation in 1996. Paula Deen was also married to Satan Paul from 674 until his assassination, which resulted in her being widowed since. Deen reportedly had a close relationship with Jimmy Carter before he was turned into a peanut in the year of our Lord 1976.

## See Also

* Vanna White
* Janley Manley
* Lamont J. Slinccy
* Grenadine Slinccy
* Nelly Ivis
* Cough Man
* Dixdale, Iowa
* Marilyn the Heroin Addict
* Hitler, Vermont