David of Killoughy

## Information

### Aliases

"King David" "King o' Farran" "Kingloughy" "David the Dayce" "Punished Dave" "Big Dave"

### Affiliates

Brother Barra, The Caramel King, Alano Sullivano, King Breen, Big Jim (Farran)

### Enemies

The Bearded Baron, Ghosht Dev, Cow, The Hanover

David of Farran is the youngest member of Farran's Killahoy Clan. He is also the current holder of the title of Great-High-Pure Class King, though only in name, as he is currently living in exile. King David became the first person in the Modern Farran Age (MFA) to declare the borders of a Kingdom and claim it for himself. While long ago in the Classic Farran Age (CFA) this was commonplace, the establishment of Kingdoms fell out of favour with many during the 20th Century, and Kingdoms in the area disappeared by 1940.

## Farran History

After one particularly long night in "How's Your Mother?" one of Farran's famous 17 and a half pubs, King David (then simply known as "David the Dayce") accidentally made his way to the basement of said pub while trying to find the toilet (which, incidentally, is on the roof of the building). Here, he found ancient manuscripts with the history of Farran on them, as the pub has existed since the 17th Century. Learning of the then-defunct position of Great-High-Pure Class King, the young David knew he was destined to rule the land of Farran. However, as he read, he realised that many Kingdoms used to exist, not just Farran, and that each had their own leaders.

Wanting not only to conquer his own land, but to also let others do the same, the soon-to-be King took it upon himself to research the old ways of rulership, Kingdoms, and the structure of land. He then preached these teachings to anyone who would listen, as far as modern-day Carrigrohane County. Once he felt he had preached enough, King David made his move and declared the borders of Farran, simultaneously declaring himself its leader. Soon after, other leaders rose up and declared their own Kingdoms in places such as Ovens, Ballygroman, and Kilcrea. While it did take a while to reach the Region we now call The East, King David's system steadily grew, and once The Bearded Baron declared the borders of the District of Muskerry a domino effect was created whereby many leaders seized lands for themselves in a very short period.

Without question, King David is solely attributed for the reinstatement of the Classic Farran system of ruling. He shaped the Modern Farran Age unlike anyone else, and is considered on-par with some of the most highly-regarded monarchs of the land throughout history in terms of influence.

## Sauce Epidemic of 2020

Beginning some time in 2020, King David's Kingdom was taken by an unprecedented spreading of a disease throughout its land. Thinking themselves safe within the bounds of Farran where "the Covid shtuff daren't tread" (Killoughy, 2020), the Farran populace was shook to its core when they were hit with an epidemic of sauce.

Though the cause of the epidemic is not fully known, it is the widely-held belief that it was caused when Kingloughy himself discovered that it was possible to buy sauce online from SuperValu and have it shipped straight to his door. After getting his Eircode wrong 43 times in a row, the King finally succeeded on his 44th go. However, each of the other 43 orders also went through and happened to be the Eircodes for every other household in the area, leading to 10 bottles of the good shtuff landing on each Farraner's door step. Despite the receipts being with each order, showing his payment of them, David the Dayce has denied the blunder stating, "No, no, t'weren't me at all! I did computers in UCC!", but an inside source said he had drank from the alcoholic well on his land before he made the order and was "off his game".

After the delivery, Farran devolved into chaos with an event that is now referred to by scholars simply as *The Piss-Up*. Seeing his kingdom in peril and definitely not because he wanted to horde all of that sweet, sweet sauce to himself, the King put out a decree for all bottles to be brought to Offaly House. When the decree was completely ignored by every household in the land who were all nursing a collective hangover, the King sent out Big Jim to round up any remaining sauce and return it to the royal throne room, leaving all other Farran households with only one bottle each. In doing this, King Dave declared that he was "taking the burdens of the epidemic" onto his own shoulders so that "nobody else will know the pain of the sauce."

When asked in early 2021 if his leadership had been impaired in any way by his use of sauce, David of Killoughy replied by saying "Ah, shtick to the cratur" and then punching a woman made of bees.

## Das Über-Dose

The Sauce Epidemic had much further reaching consequences than anybody could have anticipated. As 2021 continued, the enduring nature of the other, more trivial "Covid shtuff" meant that the citizens of Farran were unable to travel freely beyond their borders to source more sauce. Whilst this may have been a more serious obstacle in the past, David the Dayce's recent online shopping exploits gave Farraners hope that their piss-ups wouldn't be too badly impacted. But their hopes were to be dashed. They failed to take into account that any clown who orders 44 times in one night from the same store is obviously going to get blacklisted, particularly when the sauce-delivery-vans were also held up and pilfered for all they were worth. There were even stories that the non-native drivers unlucky enough to be captured by the primal Kirwanese hill-tribe were corralled into a dark primary school class room and forced into a circle-jerk, before being let go as soon as they'd watched The Brain finish. Despair only deepened when the once reliable travelling merchant, Mad Dog, who always had a naggin or two to sell, suddenly ceased his visits to the Commonwealth altogether.

Unrest began to grow at an alarming rate. Sober citizens began voicing their discontent to each other, first within the walls of their homes, and then in the fields and in the pubs, which could now only serve tap-water and lukewarm milk. By September, many of Farran's people were quick to proclaim that the current situation was "beyond a dose", but it was the visiting woman from Bavaria, Greta Shitler, who, upon hearing that Farran's annual Oktoberfest was going to have to be cancelled, became the first person to label the crisis "Das Über-Dose".

## The Flight of the Earl

There was only one person that the people of the Commonwealth felt that they could blame, and that was their king. No longer could David the Dayce walk the lanes of his lands without being accosted; whispers and angry stares followed him wherever he went. Taunting chants of "scaaaaaaanty, scaaaaaaanty" could be heard occasionally from behind him, but turning around, he'd find nobody there. Not even a ghosht. Malicious rumours began to spread like wildfire; conspiracies involving, among other things, The Killahoy Clan being the perpetrators of a "plandemic"; that the Sauce Epidemic was engineered by none other than David himself in order to assume full control of all the sauce in the land. Many held the belief that David was sitting on a veritable sauce-mine of booze from his previous seizure of his wayward orders. David fervently denied this, stating between hiccups that he was as sober as the rest of them, and could recite the alphabet backwards easily but he just didn't want to. The citizens weren't convinced. Why, they asked, would Big Jim always be digging holes in the garden if it weren't to bury secret sauce stashes for the King's own personal use?

A great meeting was called in the mythical bog of Aherla, behind the King's back, by none other than Cow, and almost the entire population of the Commonwealth of Farran showed up to hear how things turned out, one way or the other. The horde brayed its discontent, a deafening echo chamber of entitled whinery that would put even Twitter to shame, and Cow moo'd back her plan, a plan which many of those gathered wholeheartedly embraced: the King would be deposed, his family ousted from their royal lodgings, and the Commonwealth of Farran would be converted to a Cowmmunist state, with Cow as its de facto leader. Big Dairy would secure Farran her sauce, but Farran was to give Big Dairy its King in return.

Some true servants of the King had attended the Gentmoot, and they raced to Offaly House to bring the dire news to the King's attention, before the traitors could enact their plan. After finishing his pint of "brown water", David stumbled to his feet, affixed his Regatta cloak, and fled into the night with no more than a "g'luck, so", a large bag of clinking bottles and rattling cans slung over his shoulder.

## The Exiled King

The current whereabouts of the King are not known for sure. Rumours were abound that he'd fled to New Zealand, whilst others believed him in London, and others still swear on Hokey himself that they saw him partying it up in the heat of Spain, but the most commonly agreed upon theory is that he's residing in The Big Shmoke, having been granted asylum by Don Luigi Malone himself.

Some believe that loyalists to the King still exist in Farran, but they have to be "fair shneaky" about it, lest they're outed by the new regime and punished. These loyalists hope that the rightful King will return one day and do great and terrible battle with the usurper, in an event known as The Wreckoning. The outcome of such a titanic clash would surely decide the fate of Farran, once and for all.