2: You Fool of a Pumpkin!

## Summary

Our heroes find a desolate town at the end of a worn gravel path, and a crying child and his sister urge them to save their baby brother from the monster locked in their basement.

We find out that Mydhryn should not eat fey food before a fight, and Will kicks a suit of armor down the stairs.

Welcome to Pork Fried Dice!

## Synopsis

### We Meet Walter's Siblings

Our unwitting adventurers walk through the forest following the worn gravel path. As they walk, they know that the day is passing, but no one is really certain how much time has passed. Their current view is universally grey.

    After a goodly amount of time has passed, a dark and not pleasant looking village looms out of the fog. There are no lights in the windows. There is nothing they have been looking forward to - no happy fires (and no sad fires either). From the outskirts where they stand, signs swing in the wind, and the town appears very desolate.

*"What a welcoming village, you guys! Let's check it out,"* Will says, and our heroes decide to investigate the town even though it doesn't look promising.

Will and Mydhryn hear the sound of a child crying from the Northeast about a block away. While Mydhryn feels they should check on the child immediately, Will indicates that he is used to children crying in the streets and, since this place makes him also want to cry, maybe they don't need to check on the child. Despite Will's protests, the group decides to take a closer look. Nick leads the party up the street with Mydhryn and Lamora following.

Will decides to bring up the rear as the others all look more capable and "adventury" than he feels.

We find two children standing in the road. They are not holding hands and are not identically dressed. The older girl comforts the younger child as he cries and squeezes his stuffed animal. Nick announces as he approaches, *"Hey, are you kids ok?"* This startles the girl and she protectively grabs her brother (we assume).

The girl tells Nick that there is a monster in their house and, although "Daddy said so", they have not seen daddy in a long time. When Nick asks where they live, she points to a large three story house at the end of the street rising ominously from the mist. Nick asks if he and his friends can help, and the girl replies:

*"My baby brother's up in the attic."*

The younger boy starts crying again.

Will and Nick start arguing about what to do next. Nick tries to convince Will that they need to figure out what's going on in the house, and Will says things like, *"This is a family matter. Clearly there's some kind of thing going on that is a very private matter between these children."* When Will realizes that Nick is not going to be easily convinced to abandon the children, he begins cross examining the girl. (Dear Listener, we are only in Episode 2, but I believe you can easily imagine that Nick plays the part of Good Cop while Will plays the Bad Cop during this interrogation scene).

Will learns that the girl is about 9 or 10 years old. Her parents told her that the monster is locked in the basement, but she has no idea where they are. They have not seen their parents for many weeks and are very hungry. The attic baby's name is Walter.

When Nick suggests checking on Walter, the girl backs away in a panic. *"We can't go back there,"* she says.

While Nick and Will argue about what to do next, the children move toward Lamora and beg her to save their brother. She gives them a snack. They sit down to eat, and we listen on as the members of the party decide what to do - should they go to the house, is it a con game, should they split up?

Mydhryn believes that there must be something seriously wrong in the house for the kids to be alone for so long. However, Will still believes they are falling for a scam. Mydhryn begins to get a weird vibe from Will - is he protesting too much? After searching his soul for a bit of insight, he realizes that the feeling he experienced is actually gastrointestinal distress. It's not Will. It was just the lunch burrito.

Although Nick and Mydhryn are unable to convince Will to help the children, he does follow them to the house.

### Nick Looks For The Backdoor

As they approach the house, they notice that it looks like all the other houses in the town - relatively abandoned with an overgrown lawn. The iron gate in front is hanging from one hinge. Imagine all of your horror tropes are present, right here in this house.

Nick leads with Mydhryn in the rear. As they near the house, Nick turns back holding his finger to his lips. *"Shhhh,"* he says motioning for them to continue to approach the front door. He sneaks around the side of the house, staying close. In fact, he is so stealthy that as far as anyone is concerned, he has never existed...he is the night...he is almost batman.

Nick does not find another entrance to the house, but is able to peek into a first floor window at the rear of the house. He sees a well kept library. The room appears to be in perfect order with no dust. He finds that he is unable to open the window and continues around back to the front of the house.

While Nick is scouting:

Will is wondering if maybe all of these people are only here to set him up for some big catastrophe. He steps back a bit and watches everyone else suspiciously. When he looks back, he realizes that the fog is so thick that they can't see the children who were following.

Lamora knows what it feels like to be a child alone, but is a bit unsure about entering the house. She waits for Nick to return.

Mydhryn, realizing that no one else is going to head to the front door, decides to wait for Nick to return as well.

Will pulls out his sister's locket, looking inside and thinking about...maybe pizza? No, not pizza. (Dear Listener, you'll notice at this point that it appears to be dinner time in OOC Land). He sees a picture of his younger brother Bernard. Mydhryn notices nothing (maybe he is distracted by the fey food he ate earlier), but Lamora senses a change come over Will - almost as if she can feel his exact emotions at that time. He feels a mix of suspicion and dread, surprised to find a picture of his dead brother inside his dead sister's locket. When she asks if Will is ok, he becomes antagonistic about their current situation. Will wonders what they are doing at this house. While Lamora probably feels like this is what all normal people do. The Temple wasn't like this, but maybe this is how people in the outside world act.

Nick rejoins the party asking why they aren't already inside the house. When Will explains that he WILL NOT be the one to open that door, Nick draws his dagger. Will jumps back, startled, and Nick moves to open the front door.

### We Enter The Durst House

The front door opens easily onto a small entry way facing another door (see area "1" on the map below). The room appears to be a mudroom, although there are no galoshes. The inner door is more ornate than the front door. It has stained glass and all that fancy garbage. Above the door is a family crest on a shield. It is a red windmill.

Nick opens the ornate door.

As Nick moves into the next room he finds himself in another foyer. To his right he sees a larger shield, again with a red windmill. The crest is hung underneath portraits of a dignified man and woman in regal poses. In fact, they look a lot like George Washington Type portraits where everyone stands like, "Hey, I'm all fancy."

Under the shield it says "Durst". In smaller letters below that, it does not say "We did it all for the nookie".

There is another door straight ahead. To the left Nick sees a window, and there are no stairs in this room. Before proceeding forward, Nick looks back to see if anyone is following him. Lamora is close behind with Will following very cautiously. Mydhryn brings up the rear. He is most definitely not looking at Lamora's butt.

    Nick moves on looking for a way up to the attic. Walking through the set of double doors, he enters a very large room, about 30 feet wide by 15 feet big (area "2" on the map). He sees a marble fireplace to the left, and a spiral staircase to the right. Straight ahead, he can see another door with a couple of alcoves beyond that. Lamora enters the room followed closely by Will.

While Nick waits for everyone to catch up he hears Will say, *"Hellooooo,"* making his presence known to anyone who might be in the area, *"Listen. I'm in here not trying to steal anything - just in the house."*

The adventurers decide to move up the staircase looking for Walter (the attic baby). Nick leads them up the spiral staircase, and as they come around the last spiral they see a huge suit of family armor standing there on display (area "3" on the map).

### Never Trust A Random Suit Of Armor

Nick walks forward onto the second floor landing, and the armor comes alive swinging at him. The armor's punches land, leaving Nick with minor damage. Nick shifts to the side giving others enough room to fight the armor and draws his dagger looking for a weak spot. He pierces the armor leaving the dagger stuck where it entered the armor and draws his rapier.

The party sees a flame-like radiance descend, damaging the armor, as Lamora casts Sacred Flame.

Will follows Lamora's cantrip with a beam of crackling energy - an Eldritch Blast. The beam of "a black and purple, swirly, smoky blast of black and purple, inky, swirly, smoky thing" hits the suit of armor. (Dear Listener, you may remember from Episode 1 that Will received powers from The Swirly Man that he really doesn't understand. His magical actions occur mostly by instinct, like breathing.)

Mydhryn steps up and animatedly tries to punch the suit of armor in the face. Instead of making any form of contact with the suit of armor, he farts again. There is no joy in life for Mydhryn. He is this huge, strong juggernaut, but finds himself just farting in the hallway.

Nick shifts around, adjacent to Mydhryn, trying to find another weak spot in the armor. His rapier slides into the armor doing some serious damage.

The armor swings twice at Mydhryn, but manages to miss.

Lamora tries to mace the armor. Although she swings her mace mightily and seems to be proficient in it's use, she misses - maybe because she has never handled one before.

Will blasts the armor again, and the party can see that he is gaining confidence, with at least this attack, as the armor takes significant damage.

Mydhryn attempts to punch the armor again, but again, is unable to land a single hit. At this point, the other adventurers are beginning to think that he has no skills.

Nick sneaks around the armor, making everyone a bit uncomfortable as the attack becomes a bit rapier, and also because his rapier just dings off the side.

The armor swings at Nick, but our hero is able to dodge the blows.

Lamora sends a weak flame-like radiance toward the armor which is now barely holding itself together.

Will's next Eldritch blast shoots through the side of the armor and hits the wall. Will is appalled and looks around embarrased, hoping no one saw his spell miss.

Now that everyone else has weakened the armor, and because Mydhryn's stomach is feeling better, he is able to land the killing blow. He smashes his vambraces down on the armor, crushing it's head in. The entire suit falls apart into a pile of clattering garbage on the floor.

*"Guys! Did you just see that?"* Will asks.

*"Yeah! I'm feeling better now. I'm not farting so much. Sorry, guys. I had fey food earlier. You know how it is."* Mydhryn replies.

Nick retrieves his dagger. while Will kicks the armor down the stairs.

CRACK! CLASH! CLATTER! BANG! SMACK! CRASH!

This goes on forever and even seems a bit disrespectful in the empty house. And then, as it hits the bottom...there is silence until Mydhryn says, *"Fool of a pumpkin! Next time throw yourself down the stairs!"*

Nick compliments Will on his fireworks and Mydhryn tells Will he is surprised saying, *"You didn't actually strike me as someone who is useful"*

*[TBC...]*

## Quotes

*"I'm used to it. There's a lot of crying children in the streets all the time. Children cry. Why do we have to go?"* - Will upon entering the city and hearing that Mydhryn thinks they should check out a noise that sounds like a crying child.

*"Will, you're interesting. I'm going to give you time."* - Mydhryn in response to Will's feelings about crying children.

*"You know what? Why don't you just adopt them. Sounds like you really want to be their mom. So just adopt them, and we'll move along."* - Will to Nick as they try to decide what to do with the street children.

*"These kids want us to go in the house and get a baby and steal it out of the house. I mean, what kind of con is this?"* - Will arguing with Nick about the potential fate of Baby Walter.

*"It's time for Kid Punting!"* - Eric describing Will's alignment.

*"I'm never eating fey food again"* - Mydhryn after Kevin rolls yet another nat 1

*"If you're a baby, yell"* - Will entering the first floor of the house

*"This dice is going straight into the "F$^% Off" bag"* - Kevin...another nat 1

## Trivia

* The episode name quotes Mydhryn's response when Will kicks the defeated suit of armor down the stairs.

## Episode Sponsor

*Main article: The Adverts of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode was brought to you by **Brask's Beholder Begone**, *"Don't you hate it when you get up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water and you turn on the light and there's a beholder hovering there? Brask's Beholder Begone! Keep an eye on your safety and your sanity."*