A bad Squid Game parody made by a guy who never watched Squid Game/transcript

(The title shows itself with a whistle rendition of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" playing. It then reveals someone credited as ??? silhouetted in a dark room. A pop-up reveals that he is broadcasting to the contestants.)

???: Alright, welcome everyone to our big game where you all participated for money that you needed because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Dorako: I just needed to fund medical stuff I’m definitely going to need soon, my bad luck is off the charts.

Reicubas: Money, money, money! Also, that's not bad luck that's getting you injured.

Blake: We were just forced into this.

Aribunta: By who?

Yang: By the guy who's talking.

???: Now this game has several big challenges you need to do, starting with Red Light Green Light.

Telesdon: Wha- A children’s game?

???: A children’s game, yes. So you will all need to race to that giant statue there on green light and stop at red light. First people to touch that will have something good happen.

Weiss: I swear you are 5 years old.

Melba: What happens if we don’t stop at red?

???: You die- you get eliminated.

Blake: So if we get eliminated, we can just sit on the bench and read while not being part of this.

???:... Yeah, sure, but you’d rather win, right?

Blake: I literally have nothing to fight for. None of us have anything to fight for.

Dorako: She is an idiot and I hope she dies getting eliminated.

Melba: Dorako! Don’t bad mouth best girl here!

Dorako: But I thought Pyrrha was best girl.

(a transparent Pyrrha Nikos appears when he says this)

Melba: Well, Blake is best girl who is still alive.

Yang: Wait, I thought I was best girl!

Dorako: Yang, you're worst girl.

Yang: You wanna fight, boy?!

Blake: But I thought I was worst girl?

Dorako: You're all worst girl!

Ruby: WHAT!? YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY VISION!!!!

Dorako: Except Weiss, maybe.

Weiss: People can't get enough of me!

Dorako: Then again, tsunderes are objectively terrible… (gets shot by 4 rounds, all from Team RWBY) Why do you keep aiming there?

Melba: Why do I feel a sense of foreshadowing here?

???: This is going nowhere, let’s just start this. 3, 2, 1, kill yourselves. Green light.

(Gigan, Meta Knight, and Nova teleport to the finish line)

???: Woah, woah, woah, wait a minute!

Gigan: What?

???: Did you just teleport to the finish line?

Meta Knight: Yeah? So?

???: Well that shouldn’t be allowed! Red Light!

Nova: Okay, so we cheated, what would be the punishment?

Blake: Oh look, red light. And look, I’m moving. I guess I’m out of the- (gets shot)

Melba: OH NO, BLAKE! Oh well, guess Yang’s best girl now.

(Yang gets shot)

Melba: YANG, NO! Oh well, guess Ruby is best girl.

(Ruby gets shot)

Ruby: OUCH!

Melba: Weiss…?

(Weiss gets shot)

Melba: Oh come on!

Arstron: Okay, time the F out, what just happen- (gets shot)

???: Yeah, the thing detects movement.

Black King: They didn’t even move! Wha- (gets shot)

???: Talking counts as moving, this statue is very movement sensitive. Green light.

Telesdon: No, why are people getting shot? I didn’t see that on the forms!

???: You should’ve read the small fine print that you can only see with a magnifying glass.

Melba: Why would something that important be on the small print!? That’d be like if you signed up for a haunted hayride, but it didn’t straight up tell you someone would get kidnapped for the ride! And how did I not get shot!?

(Chrom gets shot on green light somehow, with the pop-up making fun of this)

???: That’s oddly specific, just take this seriously. Red light.

French Narrator: Late- (gets shot)

???: Alright, Melba Q. Artemis, Ultraman Zero, you two made it this far. You’ve survived several games that would’ve killed you, like red light, green light, carving candy, tug of war, and something else, I think. Now time for the childhood game that is so vicious, so eeeeevil, so crazy that even when guns are not implemented, it’s still deadly, which is why there are no guns this time, it’s just the vanilla game.

Melba: Please, we can take anything now!

Zero: Yeah, bring it on! Wait, your full name is “Melba Q. Artemis?”

Melba: I just thought the name was cute!

???: Alright, here goes. Just warning you how deadly this is. \*inhale\* The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that…

(Melba and Zero panic until they shoot themselves)

Matt: On your mark, get ready, start. Ahp, looks like you both lost before it even started, okay. Well, at least they didn’t know it was just for 5 bucks. Once again, should’ve read the fine print.