Don't Let Your Crocodile Smoke

I need to ask you something. This may sound like kind of a weird question, but tell me good Sir or Madam do you happen by chance to own a pet crocodile or even weirder a pet alligator? Well if you do, then I got something very important to tell you. You must never let them smoke, never let them taste the sweet smokey taste of a Big Break Red. These cigarettes will destroy the gators. These days, most crocodiles and alligators come from Swampwood which as a result of jobs being rather scarce they are forced to become advocates and salesman for the big shot tobacco companies like Big Break Cigarettes and Toliver's. That's not right. Hmm. Poor crocs just can't catch a break can they? They always get the shit in the media regarding their apparent obsession with eating ducks when in reality ducks are far too greasy for even the hungriest gator to enjoy in a meal. Going out for job interviews is practically impossible as the people interviewing them will shriek in terror and hide behind the table at the sheer size of the teeth on those Sculley boys.

I'd like to tell you a story. There is a crocodile named Crocmour Ckinner. Ckinner like so many of his crocodile and alligator brethren was bred in Swampwood though Crocmour himself has been back to the town in decades, and yet he still remembers every stone and could walk the way back to his childhood school even if he was blindfolded. In the late 1990's, Crocmour was hired by the big shot tobacco companies to act as their company's spokesman. Crocmour was very much against the idea of smoking as well as possibly marketing it to children, but he was convinced into take part by one of the company higher ups Dean B Smoking who convinced Crocmour that he needed to show people of the world that crocodiles can make a difference. Having always believed he was a crocodile worth more than what it said on the tin, Crocmour Ckinner foolishly took Dean's half hearted attempt at flattery at face value, and began working as the spokesman or spokes crocodile I guess for all the major tobacco companies. Crocmour Ckinner became incredibly wealthy as a result, but he quit in the ripe ole year of 2000 after he saw a dog smoking a cigarette inside his dog kennel. When asked why he did this, the dog simply shrugged as it said, "I learned it from watching you Crocmour." Crocmour rubbed the back of his head nervously as he said, "this is not what I wanted." Crocmour cut his ties with the tobacco company and announced his retirement during a company picnic, and he did it so respectfully and so sweetly that it was almost a little respectful. Crocmour was surprised that the company was so understanding of his plight, and they allowed him to break his contract off two years early.

When Crocmour worked for Big Break Cigarettes and all the other big wig tobacco companies, it was noted by many a people that he was relatively calm and collected even being something of a ladies croc. Crocmour took drastic measures to turn his life around and got a job as a community services rep. Sadly, as time has gone on, Crocmour has developed a violent temper and is said to get incredibly angry whenever someone mentions his past of selling cigarettes to him. If you get the chance to speak with Ckinner, he'll appear chummy at first, but then you ask the dreaded question of whether he'll continue to sell cigarettes, and that's when he hits you with the most sinister glare that a crocodile has ever yet pulled. His teeth snarling and his breath coming out like steam from his mouth like a kettle passing it's boiling point, and naturally that's when he charges at you. He'll rip you to shreads, and while he will obviously kill you, he won't take the next step and consume you as he is actually very much a staunch vegan. He has been frequenting Gaston and Lefou's Vegan House since the day it was built on the back lot of Grandmother Edgar's cot. He goes there so often that he has a picture inside the establishment located on the Wall Of Fame. You can only get a photo on that wall if you visit the Vegan House ten times a week ten years in a row. As such, only a couple people are currently featured those being Crocmour and of course Gaston himself. Lefou would have made the list too, but the day before he completed the milestone he unknowingly ate a chicken nugget happy meal that someone had left on a bench outside the local Tesco.

Rather understandably, Crocmour also despises trespassers, and whenever they intrude upon his property in Crocodile Gulch he will do the exact same thing to them that he would do if asked about his past selling tobacco. Crocmour became so infamous for his temper that it was actually reported in the newspapers that should you see Ckinner while walking down the streets late at night, no matter how much longer it will take you to get home you must turn the other way immediately. In 2003, Crocmour found himself as the Most Wanted Crocodile in America when he tried to eat Senator Patrick Geary during a routine senate hearing on organised crime and this senate hearing just so happened to concern the Steamed Hams Conspiracy. You've read the files haven't you? It's a typical case. Crocmour had been a close friend of Principal Skinner, and was deeply hurt by his death at the hands of Superintendent Chalmers. In 2003 seven years after Skinner's death, Crocmour was brought forth by the senate committee to offer backup to Chalmers' assertion that Skinner ran a crime syndicate which planned to take over the world causing steamed hamburgers known as steamed hams. It's unknown whether Crocmour knew that the conspiracy was true and was just playing dumb that day, but in any case he held his hands on his chest as he cried, "it's absolutely heartbreaking to hear you insult Seymour's memory like this." Then without warning, Crocmour snarled and charged towards Senator Geary and tried to go straight for the jugular vein. Thankfully, Crocmour was held back as a leash was placed around his neck by a trainer whom Crocmour had hired to protect him in case his anger issues ever got out of hand. Surprisingly, Geary showed no fear though if you looked at his armpits you could see that a mountain of sweat had formed, though it could be due to there being no AC as the head of the committee; The Big Cheese refused to believe that AC's were a thing. He claimed to never feel the heat as he was raised in an igloo. Not long after this incident, the trainer was found dismembered in the middle of Lincoln Park, but the highly corrupt EBPD showed no concern as they were busy taking selfies with it as the trainer was a known menace and had a reputation of nicking people's newspapers and running around the streets of Empire Bay claiming to be Bono.

Crocmour managed to get off the government's watch list by paying them off with a small fine of $99. Wow, that really is a small fine! Aside from supposedly being in community services, Crocmour also runs his own choir though I wouldn't exactly recommend joining it as it mainly consists of dangerous reptiles like himself, ans when I sah mainly consists I really mean to say only consists of. The other members of the choir included Roger Gator, Dingodile, Louis the trumpet playing enthuaist who was currently on the run from the Marcano Family after his sharp teeth caused Uncle Lou Marcano to shit himself on his own riverboat. Known as the Santa Claus of the South, Lou Marcano was out on his riverboat to celebrate his birthday bash or something, and he hired Louis to play music on the trumpet thinking that Louis was just a guy wearing a costume. He never even questioned why Louis never took the costume off thinking he was just dedicated to the bit. Louis was very nervous about performing in front of Uncle Lou, and tried to quell these nerves by sticking a cigarette into his mouth. Once the cigarette was lit, that was when the real trouble began as Louis hadn't smoked in nearly 10 years, and this was the first time since his homie Ray The Firefly got crushed by an ass. During the big musical showcase in a half shell, Louis started sweating and licking his lips when he saw a mustached man in the front row of seats smoking a pipe. The fumes from that pipe went up Louis' nose, and caused him to become incredibly aggressive as he proceeded to snarl and growl as he charged towards the man only to then get shot at by Uncle Lou's security detail. Louis managed to survive albeit just barely and jumped out from the riverboat where he spent three months hiding out at a cabin in the Florida Keys which were thankfully outside of the Marcano Family's jurisdiction. Uncle Lou had been so startled by the revelation that Louis was a crocodile that he had unloaded his guts all over his blue marble birthday cake. He had been scared of alligators and crocs ever since his father threw him into the bayou in an attempt to get Lou to swim better. The young Lou was dragged underwater by a croc, and only just managed to escape by rolling with the croc. Whatever that means. The other choir members included Joanna, Aldo, and The Komodo Brothers. They did use to have their own personal conductor who was a turtle goes by the name of Verne. Sadly, after Verne admitted he didn't know the difference between a baritone or a gorilla, the choir turned on him. Well, actually, no what really happened is that Verne took the group out to the woodlands so that they could view the wildlife. Sadly, while there, Verne mentioned that he was mostly doing this to help Crocmour Ckinner get over his past of selling cigarettes. This caused Crocmour to fly into a rage, and he pinned Verne to the ground and proceeded to rip him into shreads, and he and his cronies made themselves a lovely hot bowl of turtle soup, and this was the real reason why an Over The Hedge 2 never happened. Some story. Some Verne.

Crocomour Ckinner and Louis were not the only reptiles affected by the dreaded world of smoking, Aldo a proud resident of Swampwood and a certified duck lover used to work as the head chef at the bowling alley, but quit the job after making friends with a duck named Bill who came from the neighbouring town of Ducktown. Aldo though now friendly with the ducks, occasionally suffers from duck related cravings, and he tries to quell these cravings by any means necessary. His first instinct sadly was to try and replace the cravings to eat ducks with a new craving which was of course smoking. Aldo smoked a bit, quite a bit actually but sadly the nicotine seemed to have a strange side affect where it seemed to only enhance Aldo's appetite for ducks. One evening, Aldo awoke early at the strike of midnight craving a midnight snack. He was spending the night at Bill's pad, and he took Bill into his arms and proceeded to place him into a large piece of bread and got ready to eat the duck. Thankfully, the rather annoying Bill awoke not long after and he had a nasty go at Aldo for trying to eat him, but Aldo played dumb as he rubbed the back of his head as he said, "well that wasn't supposed to happen." "Wasn't it?" Bill asked condescendingly. Not being able to bunk with someone who wanted to you... know eat him, Bill opted to send Aldo away to Swampwood. As the two friends got ready to part ways, Aldo let it slip that he also liked fish quite a bit. This pleased Bill as he realized that Aldo could stop the duck cravings by simply eating fish instead. Sadly, Aldo ran into problems when he ate a fish that belonged to the Mayor of Ducktown. The Mayor forced Aldo to be placed into a ghastly looking piece of dental head wear that was applied not by the town's resident dentist Cecil, but rather by an out of town dentist. Aldo began to crave cigarettes again, and upon having his head placed inside the contraption, he asked the dentist about the cigarette he had in his hand, "could I have one?" "Cigarettes! The nicotine would get stuck in your teeth wouldn't it?" Mocked the dentist. Indeed, cigarettes were known for increasing the aggrevation levels in crocodiles and alligators, and this is why it is very ill advised to smoke when near one at the local zoo. Seriously, I tried it once, and the bloody crocs started clawing at the cages that they were kept inside of. How sad.

At a small rustic cottage in Saucy By Sea, Aunt May sat on a rocking chair which was gifted to her by her bookie Mr Worry as she worried about whether the spider she just whacked to death with a paper contained the soul of her nephew. She put it out of her mind, as she made her way over to the stove and put a kettle on the boil. Making sure that no one else was in the cottage with her, Aunt May said, "hmm just one should Ding Dang Dong." Aunt May was obsessed with a man named Ding Dang Dong who won the grand prize of 50 smackers in the most complicated game show this side of Pittsburgh. She knew that Ding Dang Dong often stayed at the Plaza Hotel, and was seeking to get a room there when the time was right and the judgy townsfolk were no longer watching her every move. You were not permitted to ever leave Saucy By Sea as it is kind of like a new age cult ran by a sadistic barber who keeps tongues in a jar as well as his accomplice Old Man Maurice who runs a bread and breakfast in the heart of the town. He seemed a nice man on paper as he helps you with unloading your bags into the hotel, though he does look a bit nasty when he sees that you only have one bag on your person and it's the size of a rat a tat a tat. Old Man Maurice and the barber will send their silent assassins after you if you try to leave the town, and depending on their mood they will either rip off your head as if you were a modern day Jack Skellington or they would send you to the barber's shop to have your tongue removed and then you would be allowed to leave because now you can't speak and you can't reveal what you found. Aunt May stressing out lit one up, but as she puffed her pet alligator Russell Towe became entranced by the smoke, and broke out from his cage. Aunt May was busy smoking on top the kitchen counter, and was busying her hands by playing around with a chocolate coin not even thinking for a second that she could be in danger. Her pet cat Charlie slept in a newspaper next to the kitchen counter, and when he saw that Russell had broken out from his cage he cried, "that all depends what you want from me!" Charlie was then chased out from the house by the dreaded gator, and when Aunt May saw what was happening she grabbed the newspaper that Charlie had been lying on and proceeded to chase the gator chasing the cat down the road. Sadly, both Charlie and Russell disappeared into the night never to be seen again. Tell a lie, Charlie was recently taken in by a man in Brussels. One night, while the man laid in his bed with Charlie beside him, he heard scratching and clawing sounds at the bedroom door. He thought it was Charlie, but then he remembered he only had one cat. Looks like Russell had come to get his revenge, and the worst part? That man only eats chips that are 40% less fat. Aunt May managed to use her pets and their escape to her advantage as the residents of Saucy By Sea assumed that she had been eaten by Russell. She headed to the Big Apple, but upon getting into her hotel room she was horrified to see a man named George Wood was already in the room waiting for her. "Are you ready to play some Super Mario Sunshine?" Wood asked to which Aunt May responded by hitting the wily Wood on the head with her umbrella as she barked, "shame on you!" What did George Wood do exactly Aunt May? It's your fault in the first place for owning a fucking alligator as a pet. Am I wrong?

As a result of these incidents caused by smoking, the alligators and crocodiles headed to Big Break Headquarters to complain about what had been happening, only to learn to their surprise that Dean B Smoking had decided to take early retirement under shady circumstances and was suspected to be hiding out at art galleries in France, hope a man with a really bad ponytail doesn't spot him. Anyways, with Dean gone, his replacement Gareth Croc was much more welcoming to the crocs and gators as he claimed to be their cousin or something. Croc grabbed one of the crocs by their chest as he said, "I like you son, come and sit here next to me." Gareth Croc had a table big enough for a movie ball room scene, and he sat at the head of the table as he pulled an incredibly weird looking face like some kind of Mr Burns as he said, "reach me make me your brother." "Look Mr Croc sir; the fact of the matter is smoking cigarettes is far worse for us reptiles than it is for humans." Pleaded Louis. "Go on." Gareth Croc said evilly. Louis was the spokesman for his fellow reptiles. Crocmour Ckinner had hoped to take part in the raid on Big Break, but he was currently suffering with ass throat. Anyways, Louis explained that he and the others not even Crocmour wanted the company to shut down, he just wanted them and the other big wig tobacco companies to pay a compensation type bill to those alligators and crocodiles most affected by smoking. He also suggested that Gareth Croc air an ad which discusses not smoking when a reptile of large size is present. Gareth Croc twirled his mustache like a Bond villain as he said, "you raise some good points, but I have a better idea." Suddenly, Croc rose from his chair, and slammed his tail down on a big red button which caused the doors to the office to swing open as none other than Smokey Bear himself appeared carrying a large bazooka. Smokey started shooting at the complainers, and managed to kill them all with the exception of Louis who chose to be a coward and fled back home to Louisana. I know Louis, he's not stupid he knows when something is fruitless. Louis had to be careful while back in Louisana as Uncle Lou and his men were still looking for him. Louis began eating frogs to cope with the stress, but this all came pair shaped when he befriended two frogs who seeked his help in finding the fabled Mama Odie who could hopefully turn the pair back into humans. Louis has to take a massive painkiller to stop him from biting the asses of those tasty froggy treats, and he accompanied the pair to Mama Odie. Before meeting Mama Odie, Louis had more respect for the old coot than anyone. Sadly, Mama Odie was not at all like Louis was expecting, as she rudely pushed the fat ass gator out the door before he even got a chance to make his request as he wanted to become a human too. When he's a human bean, he'll head straight to New Orleans but sadly that wasn't going to happen anymore now was it?

Gareth Croc and his personal hitman Smokey Bear were not completely heartless as the few dozen gators that didn't complain or didn't get the chance to participate in the raid like Crocmour were given places in the Surburban Homeowners Estate Fund which according to it's owner Leland Monroe will pledge to speed up housing developments for recovering reptile smokers. Since he had never smoked before and had used to work for the company as a spokescrocodile in the past, Crocmour was free to go about his business and was given a free reign in Crocodile Gulch while the others were kept very much under Gareth Croc's moist thumb. Crocmour was lucky too as the Fund was just one big scam to try and embezzle money out from the Gators Trust Fund, and all the houses were built out from straw and were located in... Saucy By Sea the worst place to be as most of the residents receive kickbacks from Northwestern Medical School. You were forced to attend Northwestern if you lived in Saucy By Sea even if you had no interest in pursuing a career in medicine. Aldo actually joined staying in the town as he grew to enjoy knitting and became a member of the Shreddies Society which consisted of old grannies who could use knitting needles like they were game pieces. They were responsible for creating all of the Shreddies in the world, and Aldo became so friendly with the ladies working there that he often fell behind on his knitting and he sometimes ran afoul of the resident top knitter Betty. "Less chatter more knitting Aldo!" Ordered Betty to which an incredibly shocked Aldo responded by putting his hand up to his mouth as if he had let one rip during an incredibly important moment that needed to be treated with the upmost seriousness. Remember, Shreddies is a feeling or something. It's a feeling I cannot explain, oh no. It helped that Aldo was on good terms with Gareth Croc having attended his sister's wedding in Santa Monica, and as a result Aldo was allowed to take free trips out to Ducktown without even Old Man Maurice or the barber batting an eyelid. Sadly unlike Aldo, the rest of the reptiles didn't like it much in the town as they were frequently harassed by a street preacher who demanded to know if they wanted to join her house of lambs. All the gators and crocs had to turn off all the lights and shut the curtains at exactly 7 pm every evening as the preacher would pull up outside their houses with her dusty pink Ford Capari accompanied by her accomplice. One time Aldo had been swayed into having tea and biscuits with them. Biscuits and tea. What's wrong with that? Root key era that was. A classic jezz up. Anyways, Aldo was forced to dance with the pair in front of their shrine of Jay Leon Car who was considered the top brass in Saucy By Sea. Before being allowed entry to the town, you were forced to look at a picture of the Jay Leno Car for ten seconds without laughing at his mighty chin, and his legendary bodastardy.

So; that about does her. You were expecting a nice ending where all the characters got all they ever wanted? Well get in line. I'm a new man now, I'm Buckie O'Buck Neil, and ever since Rough Riders closed their doors for good following a series of tubes being found in the kitchen, I've been searching for more serious work to cover. I am being completely serious, please do not allow your alligators or crocodiles if you own one or twoer to smoke. If you do, then you are just asking for trouble. Just asking for it. Keep clear of ole Crocmour Ckinner if I were you. I wasn't lying earlier when I mentioned that he will attack anyone that brings up his past of selling cigarettes to him. A friend of mine named Joe once saw Crocmour crying his eyes out in Crocodile Gulch. "Everybody hates me." Crocmour cried. "You can't really blame them. I mean you've killed and crippled a dozen Americans by helping big shot companies peddle their tobacco onto the masses." Joe pointed out. "They didn't have to smoke it was their choice." Ckinner counted, guessing he can play the game of part-time counters. "But you knew cigarettes were dangerous, and you lied about it." Joe said as you could see Crocmour starting to crack under the pressure as a result of Joe's comments. However, Crocmour didn't crack right then and there as he quickly regained his composure as he said confidently, "that was the old me! I'm in community service now, have you seen my ads?" "Can I ask you one more thing?" Joe asked. Crocmour said, "anything." "Are you going to continue selling cigarettes?"Joe asked. That was it. Crocmour dropped the kind and suave facade as he glared at Joe like no one had glared at Joe before. Like some kind of General Asquith, Joe just stood there looking slightly confused and possibly a tad aroused as Crocmour charged at him and began tearing him to shreads. Once the deed was done, Crocmour turned on his heel and left disappearing back into the sketchy pencil sketched landscape that is Crocodile Gulch. Before dying, Joe remarked, "just thought I'd ask." How did I manage to see all this? Well, let's just say that like Goofy, I have the only video. We're all ears whisper cheers. Cheers. So, that is it. That is my story, and I have to go as it's time for a smoke. However, outside my window I can see the nearby fields and I swear that I can see Crocmour Ckinner standing there glaring at me. He's... oh my wickers... he's charging right towards the house. Welp... looks like I got some explaining to do. I recall that before telling y'all this, in my kitchen I saw a man with an incredibly large grin and nasty teeth staring at me through my kitchen window. He pressed his head against the window, but I Buckie O'Buck Neil showed no fear and this made him incredibly shocked and he just walked down the road to the house on the other street. Poor bugger who ever lives there, I tell you what. Ass biscuits.