Patton Oswalt, Our Close Friend

**"Patton Oswalt, Our Close Friend"** is the two-hundred-forty-seventh episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

The famous PATTON OSWALT finally joins the conversation to discuss an upcoming event with the boys.

This episode is sponsored by hims (www.forhims.com/THEBOYS).

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Sean over the theme song: "So it's me and Jack... Kerouac, (Hayes: "wwwwhat?") and uuuuuh Ashley Benson and we're in a church and disrespecting everything... giving a finger to all those crazy windows that, which by the way, you can't even see out them. I'm sorry? What's the point of this window? There's this great natural light you could be getting but instead you're looking at this what? A guy?" (Hayes: "Sometimes like a sheep")
* Sean, Jack, and Ashley are coming up with these *insane* limericks ... and they're filthy as all get out
	+ They each switch line-by-line
	+ Whoever does the first line should make it hard to rhyme in order to really stick it to whoever has to finish it
	+ if the last line doesn't work the person who flopped has to get baptized
* Hayes asks for an example opening line to a limerick
	+ Sean: "I knew a man named Bartholomew,"
	+ Hayes begins to criticize Sean's example and says it's a little short of the meter
		- Sean gets snippy with, "I'm sorry, was this your game? By all means, if you know all the rules and it's your game then why don't you give me one?"
	+ Hayes closing line: "He discovered a Pokemon Holo-Mew"
		- A holographic Mew
	+ Sean tells Hayes to "make it dirty" in a saucy voice
	+ Sean asks Patton that he did say to make it dirty earlier
		- This invites Patton into the Pre-Guest Segment before officially being introduced
	+ Patton points out that you save the dirty part for the very last line, in order to hit the audience with a hammer, but it's good the first lines were fairly innocent
	+ Hayes asks for two new lines to set up his dirty, nasty last line:
		- Sean: "He ate pizza pie, got some on his thigh"
		- Hayes: "And his punishment was to swallow goo"
		- Sick! Laughs had by all!
	+ Patton: "You're way short on syllables that last line, though"
		- This upsets Hayes
		- Patton later retracts this statement, he missed the word "punishment"
		- Hayes says that it's in the iambic, like Shakespeare
	+ Sean expresses regret that he had the guy eating something because if the punishment is to swallow goo - Sean rather he get in trouble for something else
	+ Patton counters that maybe that makes the punishment worse, to be halfway through enjoying a delicious pizza and then you have to swallow goo
	+ Plus enough time has gone by he can't get the stain off his thigh. He'll need some baking soda, club soda, and to just dab it
		- Sean: yeah his pants are ruined

### Guest Segment

* Hayes invites Patton to be a guest on the show
* For the past 30+ episodes Patton has been in the room watching it be recorded
* Patton reminisces about watching past guests: Paul F., Kulap, and John Mulaney
	+ The John Mulaney episode was never aired because he fucked it up
* Patton compares watching the guest vs. being the guest on *Hollywood Handbook* to viewing vs. being on *Jeopardy*
* Hayes asks the burning question: Is Ratatouilli friends with the Great Mouse Detective?
	+ Patton doesn't know if there's any connection
* Hayes points out that IMDb has a "Friends" tab next to each character
* Remy's Friends:
	+ Jake Gitass from *Chinatown*
	+ Richard Gere's character from *Red Circle* (Jack Moore from *Red Corner*)
	+ Main kid from *The Last Starfighter* (Alex Rogan)
* Hayes points out that *Red Circle* may actually be about Japan, because Japan's favorite picture is of a red circle
* Patton has never been to Japan nor does he have any Japanese friends, but he has had some sushi
	+ Every bite is the history of Japan
	+ Sean: Every fish tells a story of the country, and it tells it inside your mouth
	+ Hayes makes the connection between fish stories and a country (Australia) which == freakin' Nemo movie
* Patton doesn't see a lot of his movies
	+ He said so many names of cheeses while doing voice-over for *Ratatouilli*, that he feels like he's seen the movie
* Sean asks, "Is cheese Bae?"

## Ads

* *Beautiful Anonymous* podcast hosted by Chris Gethard on Earwolf, or as Sean dubs it: *Booty-hole Anonymous*. heh heh heh. Booty-hole stories from anonymous people - just kidding again. Hayes jumps in, attempting to keep the ad on track. Also, the stories may be indirectly related to booty-holes and making number two.
	+ Chris wrote a book *Bad Idea I'm About to Do*, and there's a famous picture of Judd Apatow reading the book laughing and having a great time
	+ Chris knows Judd, Judd is reading the book. So effectively listening to *Booty-hole Anonymous* is exactly like hanging out with famous Hollywood super-producer, director of friggin' movies: Judd Apatow!
	+ Hayes says its rumored that Judd has called into the show
	+ Sean used some proprietary technology to do a voice analysis on all the episodes and estimates that at least 90% of the callers are actually Judd.
		- And Hayes was *there* when Judd was doing it
		- Heard of a guy named Mel Blanc? That's Judd Apatow. He did that guy
	+ Kevin interrupts to say that he posted a screen-shot of himself listening to the audio book of *Bad Idea I'm About to Do* and tagged Chris. Sadly, Chris (or anyone) never responded or gave a like.
		- Don't forget the little people, Chris!
		- Hayes points out that Kevin harassed a lot of people online in an effort to become an anchor on someone else's career
			* Scott Aukerman, Chris Gethard, Jamie Kennedy, Rob Delaney
				+ Kevin claimed that Rob liked it
				+ Hayes and Sean point out that Rob liked Kevin's harassment so much he moved out of the country
					- Sean: "New country, who dis?"
* Hims -

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, Patton Oswalt, Bosch *(back row)*, Sean ClementsBosch in the studioHayes and Patton in the studioPatton bussin' up in the studioSean in the studio