Classic Adventures of PWNage! No. 8: The Master of Malfunction

## The Story

A large crowd gathers for an announcement from Mayor Billsbroke, answering questions about Chicago's relations to Bermuda City. He's beginning to get bored, as most are about stuff he doesn't actually care about, when one of the jumbotrons behind him shuts off.

He turns around, confused, as the crowd goes silent. The screen flickers, flashing on and off, and He asks for someone to fix it. His assistant says it's not a malfunction, but some sort of interference.

Billsbroke groans, and asks the crowd to please stop trying to play videos of horses again like last year's ceremony, but the crowd still has no idea either. The screen finally flashes black, still on, but with a dark screen. A pattern of four black and white squares begins to glow, then the screen lights up a little more, revealing a figure in black, with a rectangle head, covered in pulsing LED lights all over his body.

The figure greets the Mayor, who responds asking "Who the hell are you? Senor Seizure?". The figure chuckles, saying he can see why he was elected. He's a funny guy, perfect to lull all of the flies straight into his web. Billsbroke groans again, saying he's one of THOSE protestors, to which the crowd groans as well.

The figure interrupts their distaste by saying it's not as they think, for he has real evidence of their misdoings, and that the Mayor is a greedy, and moronic coward, who's job is to do nothing but sit on his ass 24/7. Mayor Billsbroke gets upset, yelling at the figure to come and say some shit like that to his face he wants it to mean anything.

The figure says "If you say so.", and dissapears into black and white pixels from the video, rematerializing right in front of the Mayor. Billsbroke's bodyguards reach for their guns, but The figure covers the Mayor's eyes, and flashes the lights on his mask. The bodyguards' eyes go wide, as they take their guns and shoot each other in the leg.

His helmet stops flashing, and he grabs the mayor by the collar, striking him across the jaw, knocking him out. Billsbroke slumps to the ground, as the crowd gasps.

The figure approaches the podium, saying that he hasn't decided what they shall call him, but the streets have named him 'Epilepsio'. He states that he means no harm to the people of Chicago, and that he wishes to benefit them in every way.

He points to the screen once more, and yells that this is what the people they pay to keep themselves alive have been doing in the shadows. A document appears on the screen, labeled "The Lazarus Project". it opens, and four files open.

He yells about how the Government experimented on people to make weapons, showing test footage of a man hooked up to machines, who is shocked so bad you can see the bone. he seemingly disappears from the machine, but then comes right back, as if he went invisible.

Then another, security cam footage of a woman being shot directly in the face with a large laser-cannon type device.

He tells the crowd to look at a boy, bringing up an image of another seeming test subject. He shouts about how this boy was abducted after the death of his parents at the youngest age of TWENTY ONE, where he was worked to DEATH.

The crowd begins to grow outraged, demanding to know why it was hidden from them. Epilepsio responds that if they knew about this, then there would be an army of people just, like, HIM... but now, with their help, there can be, and we can uncover what other monstrosities they've been hiding from them all, together.

He puts two more images on screen, they're two more files that are titled MIA,

One is of an Elliot Green, and the Other is of a Mitsumi "Fox" Kakyna. He points to them, and says that they were associated with this project, and are getting away scot free with their heinous acts. He demands to know if that means anything to them at all, and the crowd roars with anger, shouting and thrashing about.

"THAT IS WHY I WILL HUNT THEM DOWN, AND I WILL MAKE SURE THEY FEEL THAT PAIN!!! NOW WHO OF YOU IS WITH ME, AND WHO OF YOU IS GONNA WATCH US WIN?!"

The crowd explodes with cheers and furious shouting, as Epilepsio chuckles into the microphone. Mayor Billsbroke, barely conscious, crawls backstage, struggling to stand up, and escape the soon-to-be angry mob. He pulls out his phone, and asks someone from the EDF to come help him silently. He sends the text, and looks up to be in the living room of the EDF tower, with Spiral in front of him.

Confused, he looks around, but drops it, explaining what just happened. Spiral says that they know, as they've all been watching the TV.

Aiden asks what the "Kings of telling them to do everything" is doing experimenting on humans, and The Mayor refutes ever even knowing about that, saying he probably just made it up.

Chad tells him not to bullshit them, and that if this really happened and he kept it aside, there will be problems. Michael swears up and down that this was apparently buried so deep that he never even got a whiff of it. He exclaims that his whole reason for running is for the people, and that he's never done anything but listen to his citizens.

Circa believes him, lowering the guard of the rest of the EDF, when Nugg3T blurts out that it's all true. They think he's just having another delusion, but he pulls up some of the same documents that Epilepsio found, and a little more, even giving them the last checked up location on the "Elliot Green".

They ask how he knew that, and Nugg3T exclaims that he learned about the government after they plugged him in for a second before he was found. He sucked up a bunch of info, and now he knows LOTS of things about them!

Lots of things.

Mayor Billsbroke says that the EDF should make contact with this "Elliot" character in order to uncover more information about the whole thing, and hopefully fix this newfound mess in the morning. Billsbroke then realizes that he no longer has a place to live for the moment though, and begins to worry about his wife, as she's still at the Mayoral office.

Spiral dashes out, coming back with his Wife, Dog, and some pillows and blankets, saying that they're now "Roomies!"

The group rushes up to the third floor, as they communicate with Ejay, asking him about the situation in the suburbs.

They suspect that Epilepsio will soon find this information that they have, and have to leave immediately.

Chad elects to go and communicate with Elliot alone, in order to keep his tensity low, and the rest of the team agree, hopefully being able to buy time for them by keeping the hordes of rioters from leaving Chicago.

Michael says that he should go with Chad as well, since Elliot might be a bit more trusting to see another human as well, let alone him being a government official.

Chad scoffs at the idea, but otherwise agrees to him tagging along with him in order to try and communicate with Elliot. Spiral elects to come to, trusting in Circa’s abilities. The teams prep themselves, saying they don’t plan on getting a lot of sleep tonight, as Epilepsio’s rapidly growing army of angry rioters certainly isn’t.

Each member fans out into the streets, as Chad and his group attempt to reach the Green household ASAP.

Aiden and Circa rush to the streets, where Police Officers stand on top of a flipped car, evading the protestors like the living dead. Circa shouts in their direction to stop, but Epilepsio’s followers have only just arrived, and don’t intend on stopping. Ever.

One of them asks why the hell they should listen to them anymore, since they work for the same monsters these pigs do. Aiden says that they barely have anything to do with the Government, but the crowd does not buy it for a second. They ask where the Mayor is, blaming them for hiding him, and postponing his punishment.

Aiden grabs Circa’s wrist angrily, saying he’s not about to fight a crowd of civilians, and that this whole situation is fucking unbelievable. The two dash down the streets, saving those in peril from the armed and angry truth-seekers.

Chad and his group step out to the back of the EDF Tower to make a call, but a voice calls to him from the alley. The silhouette is unmistakable, as Snark Thompson pompously walks over to the three, asking what on Earth he is doing with that horrible monster that is the Mayor, in a smug tone.

Chad and Spiral begin to panic, and explains that these people behind him are no different than Chad and him, with Snark scoffing at the idea. Since his camera crew is busy filming the riots, Snark pulls out a small disposable camera, readying it to snap a damning picture of the Heroes defending these horrible people with possibly their life.

Chad tells him that what he’s about to do will ruin everything, but Snark chuckles, saying that’s exactly what he wants. If HE’s the one to bring not only Spiral, but CHAD PWNHAMMER’s darkness into the spotlight, he’ll never stop being talked about.

Chad looks deep into Snark’s eyes with a sorrowful look, unable to say anything, but

“Please.”

Snark’s shitty smirk fades, as he looks at the ground, lowering the camera, before dropping it on the ground, and stomping on it, before looking at Chad and smirking once more.

“I can’t believe you’d break my camera like that, Pwnhammer.”

He walks out of the alley, directing a nearby mob, and pointing down the street, saying he saw the mayor getting in a Limo.

The mob passes by the alley, as Snark looks back at Chad, a faint, but real smile on his face, with Chad doing the same.

Inside the mayoral office, Epilepsio and a group of angry people have burst inside, and are Demanding that an official give them the locations of Elliot Green and “Fox”, or they will kill the Mayor, painting his desk with his brains. Knowing there was little anyone could do, they gave the angry free fighters the information. Epilepsio chuckles, knowing justice will finally be served.

At Ejay’s house, he watches on television as the situation continues to get worse, begging his mom to let him help, but she snaps at him telling him he isn’t ready for this kind of thing.

He snarls back, asking how she would even know. If she had known that he’d be fighting who he’s fighting, she never even would’ve let him leave the house. He yells that she has no idea what’s going on, and he storms out, leaving her screaming, with tears in her eyes.

Chad, Billsbroke, and Spiral, eventually exit a crown portal supposedly close to Elliot’s Cabin, as Arcaedo waves goodbye, telling Gene to wave as well, which he does ecstatically.

The men all eventually find the Cabin in a luscious field just in front of a forest. Chad questions that this is where the fabled “monster” lives, saying that he expected a big mansion. Billsbroke tells him again that he’s sure these people are just… people.

Chad opens his mouth to agree, when a flash of light erupts from the cabin, and time freezes.

A woman slices in front of them, missing spiral by inches, as he moves back in reaction to her.

She’s taken aback, as Spiral smirks, quickly darting behind her INSIDE her superspeed, and snatching the sword, throwing it away like a javelin. She goes for a kick, but Spiral catches her heel, and flips her to the ground in front of Chad and the Mayor.

He holds her leg up, putting his foot on her lower back to keep her down, as the speed wears off, and Chad and Billsbroke come to. Spiral snickers, he found the Fox.

They try to warn Spiral that he should probably let go, before she reaches his leg and crunches down with her nails.

He lifts his foot up, giving her a chance to escape and make a run for her katana. Spiral laughs, saying that he'll give her a head start. She makes a full sprint, almost reaching her katana before Spiral kneels down in a running position.

Before he could take off, Michael asks for them to turn around. Spiral takes a glance seeing Chad and Michael, with Michael , hunching over as if something is looming behind him, he asks what's the problem before hearing the distant sound of slicing metal.

Time stops, and Fox is walking towards him, telling him he wont get the jump on her this time. They run at each other before soon colliding in combat. She cuts down, missing by Spiral using his spike, Cuts upon cuts are shared before he tries to catch her katana again, this time twisting her katana and pulling back, cutting his forearms with a shallow slice, blood trickling to his palm.

Spiral backs away, as Fox closes time warp, falling back and catching herself on her katana, trying to stand back up. Smoke billows from her back as little flames burn through her jacket.

Chad watches in awe, seeing the spectacle as flashes of yellows, oranges, and pinks.

He peers back to Michael, wondering if he is seeing the same thing he is. Michael asks if he cant see what's behind him, the veil falls and Elliot appears behind the mayor. He backs up and shouts at Spiral, saying he should step down and all of them should go home.

Chad calms him down, telling them that they need to talk. Elliot refuses, telling them they need to go back to wherever they came from, but Chad insists, saying he is in danger.

Elliot looks back to Fox, then back to Chad,

“Fine”

Spiral walks back to Fox, breathing heavily as he lets out his arm and pulls her back up, telling them all to come inside. He opens the door to a quaint cabin house, with a nice open living room with a view to the upstairs. He shouts upstairs, telling whoever is up there that it’s safe.

Small footsteps run down the hallway and down the stairs, revealing its his daughter. She runs up to him as he picks her up and spins her around, as the small child giggles.

The three visitors sit in silence, taking in the scene, Elliot sits his daughter in the chair next to the TV, and walks back and pulls up a chair to the dining room, telling Chad and Mike to sit while Fox gets Spiral's arms fixed up.

Spiral and Fox walk upstairs while Chad was the first to speak, telling them that back in Chicago, there are deadly riots happening because of a vigilante named Epilepsio leaking files from a Government project they were apparently a part of, in an attempt to show the people what is being hidden from them.

The Mayor speaks up, saying they are also trying to kill him and his family in protest, stress and worry spilling out with every word he says.

Spiral walks upstairs with Fox, he pierces the silence with complimenting on her swordsmanship, and that she could be a great hero, but Fox is having none of it and shuts him down quickly before he could say anything else that could upset her.

They walk down the hallway and into the bathroom, Fox pulls out some bandages from under the sink and peels it open, but the scratches had already healed due to his body's accelerated processes. Spiral says he was gonna tell her about that, but she so rudely interrupted him. As they walk back down, Spiral catches a glimpse in a room filled to the brim with papers, notes, files and a big whiteboard on the wall with pictures linked together.

She shuts the door and points to him to get downstairs and back to the conversation at the table. They come back in the middle of Chad explaining how they could take Epilepsio down, Fox sits back down, katana in hand.

Elliot looks to Fox, and asks how she’d like to go to the great Chicago to help their Earth Defending buddies over there Defend Earth for a little bit. Fox has a great distaste for the idea, but Elliot pulls the “My house, my rules.” card. She groans like an angsty teenager, and agrees to go with them in order to track Epilepsio down and take care of him.

Chad explains that they are not killing him, to which both Fox and Elliot look at him sternly. Chad stutters, looking to the Mayor for any help, who looks at the floor, inhaling and exhaling.

Chad ONCE AGAIN states that NOBODY is killing ANYBODY, when a woman with a large eye for a head floats in, asking who’s killing people. Mayor Billsbroke recoils in shock at the sight of the woman, and gets visibly upset that nobody is reacting to her like he is.

The woman sits on Elliot’s thigh, and he introduces her as his wife, Odinya. She waves like a small child, and Spiral waves back with a nice smile.

The sun begins to rise back in Chicago, as smoke billows from some buildings. Ejay lands on the street, looking for Circa, Aiden, anybody, as firemen and other cleanup services try desperately to restore the damage done by last night’s “patriots”, when a wounded policeman asks for his help.

Ejay rushes over to assist, asking what happened, and the Officer explains that many of them started to leave the city to search for a “Fuckin asshole all the way in California.”.

Apparently, the flood of people had an airport shut down due to how many people wanted the Operatives heads. Ejay asks if He knows where Circa and Aiden are, but the cop has no idea.

Ejay thanks him, flying him to a stretcher, before taking off, and looking for them again. In the sky, he hears someone call his name, looking down at a rooftop, he sees Circa and Aiden with a man tied up on his knees next to them.

Ejay lands, hugging them both, and laughing half-heartedly about how he’s dead meat when he gets back home. He then asks why they tied this guy up, to which Circa angrily shouts that he threw a brick at them and it hit her in the boob, throwing a pebble at the man’s eye.

Aiden makes sure to preface that they are also interrogating him about Epilepsio’s plan, but the man keeps saying he has no Idea.

Ejay grabs the man by the collar, as his hands glow a harsh green, and he stares into the man’s eyes.

“Listen buddy, I made my Grandmother very upset by being here right now, so if you don’t talk, I’m gonna let her take out her anger on you instead. Do you understand?”

The man is visibly frightened now, as Circa adds on to the punishment with an added “Boob Battery” tax, as Aiden tries shutting her up.

The man fesses up, saying he’s getting a big group ready to go to California in the Mayoral office. Aiden thanks him for wasting their time for so long, before throwing him off the roof, where Circa waits at the bottom to catch him. She puts him sitting on the ground up straight like a chicken frozen with fear, and throws an empty soda can at his chest, asking how he likes it.

Chad, Spiral, Fox and Billsbroke all show up again from a crown portal in front of the EDF Tower. Arcaedo attempts to wave bye again, but the portal closes, cutting off his hand. Nobody notices though.

The Mayor heads inside for safety, and The remaining three look for the rest of the team to begin their search for Epilepsio and his group.

They eventually find the others, and storm the Mayor’s office, surrounded by shouting SWAT teams, Barking Dogs, and helicopters.

They eventually burst into the Mayor’s office, and inside is a mannequin with a spraypainted cardboard box on its head. Fox become angry, and runs over to the desk, slamming her fist on it. She points to a map that says “Gotta get to Louisville!” angry that they were duped AGAIN.

Chad points out a note in the mannequins other hand, pulling it out to read it.

“Worked with triangle face. Might as well work on you too.” Chad shrugs, handing it to Fox, who reads it, and her face drops, as she learns that this man know a lot more than he originally lead on.

Elliot leaves the cabin in order to set up traps, and Search for any sort of incoming attackers, telling Odinya to put something on the T.V for her and Chloe while he’s gone. She happily obliges, tuning to Spongebob, before blankly sitting in front of the television with her daughter, entranced, like she’s hypnotized.

He walks out with thin wire and bear traps, tying wire to trucks of trees and hiding bear taps under leaf carpets he had made beforehand. He walks out of the forest, the breeze flowing to his back. As he makes it to the porch, a deep bellow comes from behind him, he turns to see lanterns light the forest, hanging from nothing.

His breath leaves his lungs as his heart pounds in fear, he looks deeper into the woods to see the forest wall end, and the clearing begins.

In the middle of Odinya trying to explain the funny underwater antics, the phone rings, so Odinya leaves Chloe to watch while she answers it. Odinya picks up the phone.

“Hello, is that you darling?”

“Look at the television”

“What?”

Odinya looks back into the living room.

The phone drops to her feet, and a Dialtone rings throughout the house, the only other sound being static from the television.

Fox frantically tries to call Elliot, but it is still next to Odinya’s foot, unable to snap out of… something…

Elliot eventually finishes his perimeter search, and heads back home, greeting his wife as he enters through the front door.

He gets quiet after noticing that the whole house is silent, and that every light that was on is now off. He creeps through the house, seeing Odinya staring blankly at their daughter, looking at the Television.

He rubs her shoulder,

“Honey, are you okay?”

“No.” a warbled voice calls to his right.

Four squares light up the abyss that was the kitchen, and rush at Elliot, who saw something coming, and had his knife at the ready, swinging at the figure, who dissipates into the same pixels as before. Epilepsio has found his target.

The same, automatic, inhuman voice beckons from upstairs, saying that this has been a long time coming, and that he’s naive for never thinking of any consequences that would come his way.

Epilepsio rematerializes in the doorway, looking up, but Elliot is gone. He looks around confused, when rapid thumping starts to get closer to him. Epilepsio, panicked, braces for the incoming attack from an unseen force, who practically tackles him through the front door.

They tumble down the stairs of the porch as Elliot re-appears on top of him, and Epilepsio kicks him off chin first. Epilepsio gets up and runs around the corner of the cabin, as Elliot gives chase.

When he reaches around the corner, Epilepsio is gone again, causing Elliot to be angered again, yelling “WHAT IS THIS SCOOBY DOO BULLSHIT?!” before getting elbowed from behind in the ribs, knocking him to the ground, as Epilepsio runs again, now actually in the back of the house.

The two look at eachother in a standoffish way, daring themselves to make the first move. Elliot decides to take initiative, and uses his blinding trump card, illuminating the area around his hands to a massive degree, as he raises them.

Epilepsio groans in pain, covering the front of the helmet, before he activates his OWN lights, and Elliot’s arms go limp, as his eyes roll into the back of his head, and his jaw drops.

Epilepsio slowly walks toward him, laughing about how he must’ve been some sort of high ranked official, sucking the powers out of people for their own gain, trying to be a super soldier for “fame and glory” or whatever gets him off.

Elliot grunts and groans, until Epilepsio is mere feet from him, still taunting him. He grits his teeth, throwing himself forward. Epilepsio laughs aloud at his struggles, asking how it feels.

Elliot opens his eyes again, grimacing, and grabbing a rock, uppercutting Epilepsio with it.

Epilepsio falls on his ass, as Elliot feels his lip, checking it for blood.

Epilepsio stands up, revealing the damaged helmet, with one eye peering at him. A familiar sight, but this time the first encounter with a single eye has a much worse meaning.

“Three years of work this helmet was.”

“You should’ve spent those three years eating shit and dying, asshole.”

“Yeah.”

Epilepsio practically teleports in front of him, socking him in the gut. Elliot tries to strike, but the punch fades through him, like a ghost. Epilepsio’s punches hurt, but Elliot’s only seem to waste energy.

Suddenly, one Epilepsio turns into two, who knees him in the same spot, but from Epilepsio’s perspective, it was the same one, because he’s now in Elliot’s head.

Elliot starts to get backed into a corner, as several clones begin to surround him. He yells at him to figure this out like men, but Epilepsio says there's no better way to talk like men than a group conference.

The group pounds Elliot to the ground, unbeknownst to him though, most of the beating is only in his mind.

With every hit, one dissipates, until only one remains. Epilepsio grabs him by the collar, and says this is it. After him it’s just the tall one, then his shitty little project dies with his shitty little life.

Elliot asks what the “Tall One” means, but Epilepsio throws him to the ground, demanding that he knows exactly who.

Elliot’s eyes turned shocked, as he pieces it together.

“Boss, huh?”

“That’s what he was called? Christ. You people and naming things.”

“Boss is DEAD.”

A silence sweeps the backyard.

“What?”

“He’s been dead for 8 fucking years”

“How? How did you kill him?”

He looks back at the attacker with empty eyes “Wasn’t me.”

Elliot spits a tooth out

“Should’ve been. God it should’ve been…”

“You… You never ran it at all.”

“Not for a second. You’re lookin' at a lab rat.”

“It was you in that video.”

“Yeah.”

Epilepsio’s limbs go numb as his muscles loosen, and his legs turn to jelly, finally coming to terms with what he has done, and the damage has caused. He apologizes to Elliot, but he's only met with a grunt of seemingly betrayal, as if Boss somehow still has a grasp on his life, even from beyond the grave... or crater.

a few minutes later, Epilepsio comes out from the house, telling him his family is unconscious, but unharmed, and no longer hypnotized, as the mind control won't have any lasting effects.

Elliot, without looking, apologizes for Boss' actions, because he wouldn't even if her were alive. Epilepsio assures him he doesn't deserve one, and that he can't believ the whole thing was for nothing.

Elliot, still looking at the horizon, Tells him that that's what Boss does. Misinforms you, tries to get your head in the clouds, and then he rips everything away, just as you think you've won.

Elliot turns around to ask how exactly he knows Boss, but sitting in the grass is the broken helmet, with the wearer nowhere to be found.

Elliot enters his house, and calls Fox, telling her that he spoke with the Epilepsio guy. She sighs in relief saying she's glad he's alright and that they'll be there soon. He limps back with Chloe and Odinya, picking them up and putting them in bed together, before walking to the front porch, and sitting down, seeing a crown portal open in front of his lawn. As Fox runs out and hugs Elliot.

A week later, Around dinner time, a knock is heard at the door, Elliot tells everyone to wait where they are as he walks down the stairs, knife in hand. The door cracks open with Elliot peeking out through the crack, and there stands Dwaine Foster, with a small box in hand. Elliot immediately realizes who this visitor is, remembering the eye that was shown behind the mask of Epilepsio, but this time no harm is needs to be dealt.

Dwaine urges that there is nothing to fear, and he's here to right his wrongs. Elliot stands with a tired look, opening the door fully and inviting him in.

Dwaine hands the box, once again apologizing for the Havoc that was brought to him and his family. Elliot opens the box and inspects the item inside, dropping the box in awe.

He stares at the respirator with silence, Dwaine explains that some of the protesters raided a government building, finding some items retrieved in The Lazarus Project’s collection.

“Do..do you even know who this is?”

“It was titled under Michael Adams, the youngest one there. Recovered records say you two got along very nicely, so I thought you'd probably want it."

“Yeah…yeah I do… Stay here.”

Elliot walks back inside and runs upstairs, opening Fox’s door to her note piled room. She perks up at Elliot then drops everything in her hands, walking over to him with shaky hands grabbing the mask and holding it to her heart.

Elliot walks back to Dwaine giving Mitsumi some time to herself, he thanks Dwaine for the mask, asking him if he’d like to stay for dinner.

The comic ends with Dwaine and Elliot on the porch, sharing drinks and looking up at the stars, telling tall tales about their days as vigilantes.

\*After Credits Page\*

In a mock documentary, details of the riots are shown in a video about the unlawful ways and strange disappearance of the vigilante "Epilepsio", presented by Attorney Jaime Foster at Green Forest law firm.

He states that he was inspired by the harsh reality of the riots, and now wants to fight for the people of Chicago.

## Trivia

* This issue was originally going to be about A massive conspiracy involving Chad being behind the attacks of each previous issue, and Epilepsio was much more sociopathic, and white. - Lobsterbike
* Arcaedo is fine, he just doesn't understand that he can reattach his hand without a doctor's help.
* Even if they caught they Mayor, nobody would hurt Buford.