Fanboys

A **fanboy** is someone who will always jump to ~~stupidly~~ bravely defend Hearthstone, no matter how wrong they are. They mainly lurk in the Hearthpwn forums, ready to pounce on anyone that dares to talk trash about their religiously beloved game, regardless of how badly they are treated as customers by Blizzard. Most of these degenerates owe their submissive love and loyalty to Blizzard itself, rather than Hearthstone.

Indeed, there are few things as repulsive as a mindless fanboy, and the average human being cannot tolerate much longer than 10 minutes around such creatures.

Here at Hearthstun, we devoted a lot of time to research the mental condition of the average fanboy, until inevitably concluding their vision of the world is too skewed to be interpretable by normal people.

## Types

As per usual, retardation comes in multiple shapes and sizes.

### The Visibly Idiotic Ones

While all fanboys are horrendously unfunny, these are the closest thing to a funny fanboy in existence. They will often use bad grammar, incoherent arguments and might even openly state they are done arguing, right before posting yet another text wall. Another way to find them is if they openly reveal that they play the deck they are defending, which is the last thing anyone would want to reveal.

### The Jaded Ones

Remember when we said Blizzard can kick these guys as many times as they want without consequences? Well, we lied. Sometimes, fanboys just get so tired of Blizzard and their bullshit that they slowly lose faith in them. If we're lucky, said fanboy might even become a saltlord! These fanboys can be spotted when their fiery defending of the game is slowing down, or when they "accidentally" reveal HS's flaws when they were supposed to defend it. These ones are much like the antagonist everyone is hoping will change sides.

### The Abusive Relationship Ones

These guys are eager to praise the good things Blizzard does for them, and instantly forget the past mistakes that made the game far worse when that happens. They believe in "change" and "improvement", and might even honestly believe the game's economic system is fair, mainly because they are unaware of what else is out there. Much like real people in abusive relationships, they struggle to move on, and often describe themselves as "spoiled" or "lucky".

### The Liars

Not to be confused with Blizzard, these are the guys that pull statistics out of their asses once they notice actual facts won't do the game any favors now. Their eagerness to wave off negative statistics as fake while accepting developper-friendly ones as facts shows off just the kind of person they are. Every fanboy with some rational thought in him will resort to lying every now and then.

### The Disguisers

Not all fanboys are mindless hate machines to be unleashed upon the enemy. Not all of them are open about their Brode-approved dick sucking skills too. Not at all. Some of them refrain from using all caps, take extra care with their English and go as far as invoking fallacies whenever in an argument. This is all a clever effort to conceal their true nature. Beware, however, about these sly subhuman monsters. Their time among decent folks has made them experts at the art of patronizing, and the lesser fanboys will surely rally behind anyone that supports their cause and is capable of properly punctuating their sentences. Reveal their pro-Blizzard agenda as soon as possible, so as to harness the support of proud saltlords nearby.

## On Hearthpwn

Fanboys are often the first people that post a link to the salt thread whenever anything bad is said about HS. They are also afraid of ever sounding too negative, and the closest thing they've got to criticism is words like: silly, annoying or, in extreme cases, stale. Since they have an almost-constant majority there, every negative thread is bound to hook in at least one of those fucktards in a matter of minutes.

## On Reddit

As a forum that rules itself by upvotes and downvotes, Reddit's popular posts depend a lot more on the circlejerk of the day, and thus, fanboys need to have some timing to spew their bullshit there. Unfortunately, this also means whenever fanboys have circlejerk majority Reddit becomes insufferable for at least a whole day.

## Anywhere else

Fanboys are self-aware enough to back off from any non-safe environment where they can't circlejerk mindlessly or are outnumbered. It is not coincidental that most other spots to discuss Hearthstone are shit, given that if they were good, they would surely be swarmed by fanboys within a fortnight.

## The Fanboy Menace

Lately, fanboys have been gaining numbers and majorities on Hearthpwn. This has a very simple explanation. As the game progresses and gets shittier and shittier, most saltlords figure out they have better things to do with their time, and thus they quit. Meanwhile, fanbitches eat up regardless of what Blizzard does, which means they stay. As such, Hearthpwn has ultimately fallen under fanboy dominion, a sad fate for any self-respecting website.

## Build your own fanboy

1. Install SDT (if you don't know what that is, you are too young to play Hearthstone)
2. Set the girl's resistance to the minimum
3. Set her mood to happy
4. (Optional) Install a mod to make her fat
5. (Optional) Make her ugly
6. Name the girl Fanboy
7. Name the guy Blizzard or Brode
8. Push as hard as you can

Done! Your own ~~bitch~~ fanboy that will love you regardless of how badly you shaft them.