Slimer Goes Forth (The Real Ghostbusters Lost Episode)

In the navy! Well; I'll tell you one thing sonny I wish that I had signed up to be in the navy, instead of the local military who treat me with contempt because according to them I'm useless on the battlefield. I signed up for the army to become a Sergeant, but they made me a medic instead as they had gotten the wrong form or something. I know next to nothing about medicine, so I ended up making a massive mess of a bullet ridden soldier whose guts were sprawled out over the field. I suggested stuffing him with the noodles of a pot noodle, My boss who was a discount Ghostbuster turned street sweeper ordered me to stay with the injured soldier while he looked for help. I gave the soldier the walkie talkie to call me while I went to the Argos across the street from the battle field for a brand new chair for my sitting room; the soldier clutched the walkie talkie tightly as he spoke out weakly; "I don't think the signal will reach..." I didn't listen, as rocking no copyrighted music began to play as I ran to the Argos, and when I got back to the soldier he let out a big ole groan as he said, "you left me oh..." He then died, and after that my boss the discount ghostbuster decided that I had no place on the battlefield. Personally, I think he wanted that soldier to die as he was always kind of lazy during the role calls and he was also a reputed pink custard addict hanging around Tesco Extras begging for custard after he wasted all the money he got from selling his beloved PlayStation 1 to buy ketchup packets which he would douse gram crackers in while at the local café who glare at you when you stare inside the window at the rotary chicken that they've got cooking. I then was assigned to toilet duty which of course meant that I had to clean all of the restrooms on the base before the big inspection. I got myself a new boss in the form of Sergeant Madding who as the surname implies is very mad, and he hates me most of all. He is so nice and polite to the other soldiers giving them high hives before they get on the bus to Lake Destiny, but he always yells at me especially because I keep leaving the base to keep day trips in my red car which looks like an angry beetle. I was also a crooked soldier I must confess, and was involved in the pink custard trade. I managed to arrange a deal on a yacht, but during the hand off our deal was ambushed by the sea police and we ended up crashing our yacht into the side of the army base during our escape. I went flying through the sky as a result of the impact, and crashed right into Sergeant Madding's quarters who didn't look very happy to see me. I really wanted to become a Sergeant, and was desperate to prove to Madding that I could make a difference just like that old guy with the glasses advised me outside the cinema in Newport.

I tried to make the army funny, by adding talking trash cans which thank you whenever you put trash into them. This didn't work as the trash cans talking terrified my fellow officers who responded by refusing to throw out any of their trash. This meant that the entire base was caked in a mess of trash and mash. I tried to get a laugh out of the miserable Sergeant Madding by stuffing his toilet with M&M's. I filled the entire oval with M&M's, and when Madding came in to see how I was doing I just started picking sweets out from the toilet as I said over and over again in an overly serious tone of voice, "M&M's mmm." Needless to say; that was the last draw but since I came highly recommended from General Monger; Madding decided that I would accompany him to Cardiff for the big conference at Cardiff Castle. We were stationed in Vice City, but there was a massive conference going down in Cardiff that needed soldiers. Daniel Llewellyn a man who loves Christmas a bit too much and also bores a massive smile so wide it makes me feel ill wants to show all cool the troops of Earth are to a visiting band of Sycorax who wanted to see if the military of Earth would be worthy of bringing to their planet for a pizza party which was Spider-Man themed as the Sycorax foolishly believed him to be the ultimate being. Llewellyn was a close friend of the Sycorax's current leader; David Sycorax. The pair had engaged in a student exchange program of sorts, with Llewellyn staying with the Syocrax's family up in space, while the Sycorax stayed with his family back on Earth. "I would have you debriefed my boy." Sergeant Madding said to me as we got ready to board the private jet into Cardiff but then he said, "unfortunately; only the top brass can fire or hire soldiers; and General Monger is still away on a cruise so until he gets back you're coming with me. Do you get it?" "Yes I got it." I remarked as the plane began setting sail for Cardiff. Arriving in Cardiff, we escorted towards the Castle by a really annoying bloke with ear rings and spiked hair who kept telling me about how guitar was cliché to him and how he loves a bit of Len. He was probably a victim of the 2019 M&S Christmas fair; an incident that I myself shall never ever forget. Once inside the Castle; we saw that Mr Llewellyn looked very nervous as he asked Sergeant Madding if myself and the other soldiers accompanying him were up to the task of impressing the Sycorax with a floor show which was being ran by a rat who sounded like the Mad Hatter. The rat was grateful because Cardiff's own army was currently throwing rats off from a bridge in order for the Mayor to see if the bridge is really big enough, and this meant that we were the only soldiers that were going to be performing. Needless to say; the floor show went terribly as during the part where we had to swing our rifles up in the air I ended up dropping my gun on the ground which caused to fire a bullet as I had completely neglected to put the safety on. The bullet caught Madding right in his ass which caused David Sycorax to remove his protective headgear and sneer sinisterly at Madding. He believed that it was Madding's fault that I sucked so much so he ended up whipping the whisk star whip with an electrical whip he probably stole from Ripper Roo. The whip caused Madding to fall into a pile of bones. David had intended to issue the same punishment to me, but I got right up in his grill as I yelled, "not right now bucko I need to think!" David just stood there gobsmacked as I then realised that I had to something.

I was sure and the very pissed off looking Mr Llewellyn was too that if our show failed to impress the Sycorax that we would all be reassigned to Gran Canaria to work in the pool where a man sticks his body out from the restaurant to yell at you because you're cooking carrots in his beloved water, and I really do mean beloved so that the man and the water got married though it was only a small ceremony with just a few family and friends, so I'd forgive you for not knowing about it. Anyways, I took a walk along the backrooms of the castle where I came across a weird lab. A man shadowed in the darkness beckoned me to not switch on the light as he wanted it be dark so that he couldnt see the crows. I rubbed the back of a nearby test tube very affectionally as I then asked what the gentleman had going on. "Take a look at this." The shadowed man said as he handed me a small something which felt like a DVD disc or perhaps a lamb kebab. I asked why I would want a DVD, and the man suggested as he lit himself a cig that I present the DVD to the Sycorax, and pretend that it was created by my fellow soldiers. The man assured me that the DVD contained a cartoon which would show not just how creative our soldiers were, but also the fact that we really should be working for Disney. I hate Disney especially after they killed my beloved buttery biscuit tin movie pitch which was going to be a movie all about British chef Greg Wallace trying to open his own shop only to be accused of cannibalism by the press, but they fail to realise that ole Greg was being heavily sarcastic and he then runs into a trouble when the brown sauce loving in-store detective with the mighty statche comes a knocking, and there is currently a shortage of brown sauce on the shelves. After presenting my pitch to the Disney higher ups; one of them straight up asked, "um excuse me who is Greg Wallace?" The nerve! Not wanting to end up like the recently deceased Sergeant Madding, I agreed to show the DVD to the Sycorax to which the man clasped his hands together as he proclaimed, at the top of his lungs if I may add; "excellent! Trust me son you will not regret it!" "I fucking hope not." I muttered under my breath as the man grabbed my lips and they became shrived up like a socky sock as he barked, "language Timothy!" My name was not Timothy, but I chose to ignore it as the man's breath smelt like a bad bucket of prawns so I wanted to get out of his company as soon as possible. I thanked him for the DVD, as I made my way over to the main area of the Castle which thankfully had a projector which hung from the ceiling. There was also a bottle of Yazoo Chocolate Milk which hang from one of the ceiling lights, and that made me feel very nervous as the bottle appeared to be tilting slightly and Mr Llewellyn was standing right underneath the light so I hoped that the bottle didn't fall on top him as he went up getting a bad con. I informed Mr Llewellyn about the DVD as he remarked, "I didn't even know they had a lab at the castle, now are you sure this is a good idea?" I nodded. Mr Llewellyn sighed as he then said, "very well then; but know this: if this goes south in anyway on your head be it." He then left me alone with my thoughts as I set up the projector, and stuffed the DVD into the nearby DVD player. How many times am I going to mention DVD? You can imagine the surprise of myself and all the Sycorax present when the intro of The Real Ghostbusters began to play. So as you can see; me referring to my ex boss as a Ghostbuster wannabe is completely justified.

I am a massive Ghostbuster fan, or at least I was until a drunk man at the pub made a big stink about how Stay Puff Marshmallow Man was clearly the true hero and was just trying to find his boat, His drunken ramblings caused me to re-assess my life and my love for chicken curry, as I then realised that maybe Stay Puff should stay another day. Stay another stay another day. I really like the cartoon show though and whenever someone asked me about my opinion on something a little personal for my tastes I would handwave the question by talking how cool the show was. Seeing the adventures of Egon Spengler, Peter Venkman, Ray Stanz, and Winston Zeddmore in cartoon form was enough to make anyone to scream on the top of their lungs. I used to watch The Real Ghostbusters all the time especially back when I was doing work on the family farm where instead of watching the pigs I would busy myself by watching TRG on the farmer's 1920's style TV. I was quite violent with the pigs as I use to drown them in the water that they drank from because my grandpa used to tell me that the pigs could tell the future if you stuffed it's head into the water. Let found out that my grandpa was actually referring to a horse he once knew, and I also later realised that my grandpa was insane as a result of once being a pepper who used to sneak into people's cars and talk about how spicy their footlong was. The person in the driver's seat showed no fear, and just smiled like The Joker as they tucked into their meaty BLT. The intro was well weird; it started normally with the no ghost walking down the street with the smuggest face that a ghost has ever yet pulled, but then instead of climbing over the trash successfully he ended up tripping on the trash and he crashed straight onto the ground. The ghostbusters were then shown eating in a Burger King. Winston was eating the burger covered in so much spreadable cheese it's honestly heart breaking. The music in the background became distorted and sounded like it was coming out from a 1930's radio, while Winston got up to I don't know use the restroom, when Peter Venkman fell down onto the floor. He slid like a snake towards the burger that now sat upon Winston's table, and he shoved that sucker into his gob exactly like a snake would have done. When the Ghostbusters drive their Ecto-1 down the street, they were running people over with it they were probably trying to make some new ghosts because there was a shortage of dead people in NYC it would seem. Lastly, when the Ghostbusters are confronted by the Stay Puff Marshmellow Man and his band of ghostly followers, Peter looked like he had shat himself as the Ghostbusters tried to shoot the ghosts, but the blast of their proton packs ended up hitting a mirror on a nearby shop, and the blast bounced back hitting and killing the Ghostbusters in the process. I think it was supposed to be a joke, as for the actual episode the Ghostbusters were alive and well but I later learned that it was actually a very strong case of foreshadowing. Also, I forgot to mention that during the part where Janine gets a call she failed to realise that she was being pranked by a man across the street wearing a ski mask looking thing. That man was infamous for riding in carriages along the Hudson River as he makes phone calls to restaurants about how a mice had taken a Walt Disney shit in his coffee. The Real Ghostbusters logo came on, and thankfully this episode appeared to have been created before the show was retooled into Slimer! And The Real Ghostbusters. However, I'm a man who can admit when I'm scared, and I found it kind of unnerving when I saw that the episode had been sponsored by Toilet Duck. Sponsorship deals? What's going on here?

The episode's title then came on screen and it read, "Slimer Goes Forth," and it was written by someone called Professor Screweyes. I assumed that this was the shadowy man from earlier so I sank into the beanbag chair that I was sitting on as Mr Llewellyn refuses to have actual chairs in the castle, as he is scared of them because as a child he only had two things a toy rocket ship and a wooden chair. One time, he had a nightmare where the chair was trying to eat him for it's dinner, and he has been scared ever since. Knowing this, I occasionally flashed Mr Llewellyn with pictures of chairs on my Orange phone. They may have died long ago, but I still support them. The episode started up at the local candy store where the Ghostbusters had been summoned to deal with three ghosts who had made lodgings inside the store. "We need to be very careful gentlemen." Egon said as he got out from Ecto-1; he then continued with, "this could be a real doozie." I have to be honest; I don't really like Egon as I find him to be way too greedy, as I now full well that Egon has a habit of running around New York wasting Ecto-1's fuel tanks so he can purchase burgers as Egon is addicted to the ham which really angers Peter. Poor ole Dr Venkman! Also, the no ghost logos on the Ghostbusters' jackets were now replaced with Toilet Duck symbols. I licked my teeth wildly as I pondered a ponder about how that could be anything but a political statement. "Seriously; Egon you really need to cut down on the burgers." Winston remarked as he and the others began lighting up their proton packs. Inside the candy store; three ghosts were indeed present they looked like discount Snap, Crackle, Pop but they had names. The first ghost wore a red parker and his name was Jimmy Nightingale, the second with blonde hair and a smelly face was named Stuart Puckstreet, and the third and final ghost was a handsome go getter with dark complexion going by the name of Clyde. Hey Clyde. His surname was kept a secret because his family owned a successful jelly company up in Michigan, and they didn't want Clyde ruining it for them by having his involvement in the ghost trade tarnish their empire. Lot of money to be made in the jelly. but I must ask have you also considered selling a line of jams? The ghostly trio were also chefs as they were shown cooking up a spaghetti Bolognese and they were making a fucking mess getting ketchup all over the counter top of the store. Jimmy Nightingale sounded like Super Mario if he had his foot crushed by a boulder, and both Puckstreet and Clyde viewed him as a possible liability and as such they entrusted Nightingale with lookout duty. Upon seeing the Ghostbusters outside getting ready to fire their weapons; Jimmy proclaimed, "they could be the ones! They could be the ones!" "They couldn't not be the ones, pass the salt!" Stuart barked in a very harsh tone as he pulled a nasty face which seems very out of character for ole Pucky, but whatever Jimmy wanting to get back at Stuart for giving him such a boring job decided to instead throw a nearby jawbreaker which because he is a ghost it flew straight through Stuart who remarked, "that was unnecessary!" Given the smelly tone of which particular line was delivered, it was obvious that Stuart before dying had been a protégé of BSL Reaction Asylum. He fell out with BSL because he kept tapping the back of his head which made ole BSL think that there was a bee on his bonnet, and BSL hates bees but then again who doesn't really? Even beekeepers hate bees, but they are the masters of their fear and so they work with the bees in a sort of keep your friends close but your enemies closer kind of dealio.

A pastor pulled up outside the candy store, and began reciting a prayer while the Ghostbusters snuck their way into the store. Ray was being a sheepish about going inside the store which caused to Venkman to pull him aside as he asked, "what's a matter with ya Ray?" "Oh nothing." Ray remarked as he then continued with, "I was banned from this candy store some time ago, because I tried to use fake money to buy jawbreakers." Using pencils and crayons, Ray attempted to make his money and give it to the candy shop so that he could finally get some jawbreakers which were only 3.98! Sadly, the candy store knew the sauce, and they threw Ray out from the shop before he even got a chance to apologize which of course is when the store banned him for life. "Jawbreakers are nasty anyhow my man." Winston remarked as he pointed towards a local school boy wearing an overcoat 20 times too big for him who bit into a jawbreaker only for his entire bloody jaw to come off in a bloody mess. Real blood was shown, but it looked like ketchup not nice ketchup either the kind of ketchup you buy when all the other ketchups are out for the count. The Ghostbusters in an out of character moment charged into the candy store; only to get blown away by the three ghosts who had the power to blow people back with their windy breath. Egon brushed himself off as Ray asked, "what do we now?" Janine was also there I should say, and she was reading from The Times as she suggested that the Ghostbusters could sent Slimer in to have a look. "Great idea! But what are you doing here anyhow Janine?" Egon had asked to which Janine responded with, "I'm waiting for you Egon; it's time for our lunch." Egon gulped heavily. He and Janine became infamous in NYC lately for sneaking into the local library in order to have their lunch of salmon sandwiches, and they had to be very careful that they were not caught by the most judgy librarians this side of New York. Slimer on the orders of his friends the Ghostbusters made his way through the walls of the store where he basically ignored the three ghosts who for some reason seemed to be genuinely terrified of Slimer to the point of hiding inside an old cookbook. "It's him it's really let's hide in here!" Clyde cried at the top of his lungs as he and the others dived into the cookbook. Slimer noticed in the corner of the shop there was a golden chocolate egg. Slimer had always been interested in having a golden chocolate egg after the movie Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory made a profound effect on him. Slimer picked the egg up, and headed outside to Janine and the Ghostbusters who were not very pleased to see that Slimer had gotten side tracked by food once again. The ghosts were also unaware that they were being watched from afar by a man on a nearby rooftop on the building across the street from the candy store. The man appeared to be an army general, and he was in full uniform. He was watching the scene unfold with a pair of binoculars, and he became very interested in Slimer as he remarked, "bingo." "We need to find a new way!" Ray remarked as Egon who was doing a crossword then said; "give me a minute Ray; I'm not a fucking computer!" Seeing Egon swear made me begin tearing up, and I did it in a very awkward way. So very awkward indeed. The army general made his way down the side of the building, and he appeared from behind Slimer holding a battering ram.

The general who went by the name of General Blue Face tried to beat Slimer with the ram, only to for it to become painfully obvious that since Slimer is a ghost duh the battering went through his spud body. "What do you think you're doing!?" Peter Venkman yelled with rage, and I should also mention that Venkman sounded a lot harsher in this episode and sounded like someone who would keep ghosts locked up in cages as he rats on about how a crow chewed out his left ear he named Lear. General Blue Face then decided that he not pick a fight with the Ghostbusters who along with Janine were now all in fighting poses with Winston in particular looking like he was ready to tear the blue faced bastard a new one. General Blue Face then smirked before saying, "I think we're getting off the wrong foot. My name is General Blue Eyes, and I'm currently looking for soldiers to join my army, and your little green buddy here seems to me to be the perfect candidate." The Ghostbusters looked puzzled as Egon then asked, "your army? Is there a war going on that I was not aware of?" Like some kind of Father James; General Blue Face got proper serious as he glared at Egon as he barked, "I ain't talking to you!" General Blue Eye then reached inside his camouflage jacket as he pulled out a card which he then handed to Slimer who looked over the card quizzically. "Call me." General Blue Eye said as he left the scene accompanied by his lieutenants who were dodgy looking BBC extras, but the rudest of extras that are very cruel to people named Ray and only Ray but thankfully they are given chips n curry sauce laced with laxatives. Let's just say they really should have picked a better place than a park in the middle of Nowhere City to eat their chips as there is no toilet for miles only food trucks which sell nothing but Mini Eggs and bowls of sweet hot wumpa. Anyways, the Ghostbusters in a very out of character moment had a right go at Slimer, because they believe that he cost the four their chance to catch the ghostly trio who were currently having a rave of sorts inside the candy store as there were lights a blaring and music a plenty. With tears in his eyes, Slimer remarked, "I better be going!" The Ghostbusters did nothing to stop Slimer, not even his closest friends Ray or Janine did anything to help. They just sat there with contempt in their eyes. I'm guessing that in the original version of this episode; Slimer did something to earn their hatred he probably took a shit inside of Winston's beloved marble cake. How sweet it is! The episode then followed Slimer as he flew his way through the streets of New York City, but New York didn't look like it was supposed to. The buildings were all broke, there were fricking dinosaurs dancing on the rooftops, and the streetlights were hanging for dear life onto the helicopters that flew above the city. The air was smoggy too, and Slimer approached a dimly lit alleyway, and through the alleyway he could see some men being unloaded onto a truck. They were soldiers, and they were getting set on accompanying General Blue Face for the big battle which according to a paper that briefly flashed on screen was between the local military and an unknown force which was said to contain the special sauce. Oh, I do love a good sauce! Not wanting to get spotted by General Blue Face who was currently in the middle of a role call; Slimer flew to the other side of the alley where a circus was being set up.

Underneath the big top; Slimer saw what appeared to be a clown juggling some balls ha ha over a flaming bowl of crunchy munchies. The clown was a terrible juggler, but don't judge because he is very sad about that as he had become so obsessed with becoming a good juggler that it ended the relationship with the woman who would probably be his wife now. He dodged a bullet in reality though as that woman was a real custard. She was pretty, but ya know a custard. A real custard slice. Anyways, Slimer ignored the clown as he began tucking into the popcorn pieces that lied on the floor which is when he was spotted by the head of the circus. He was a grey haired gentlemen in a well dressed suit with a real eye and a steel eye. He also had crows all around him as if he were a real life scarecrow as he turned to his clown cohort and said in the careless whisper of a good friend, "bring him to me." The clown in a Family Guy homage proceeded to place a piece of popcorn down onto the ground, and he made a trail which led all the way from where Slimer was currently hovering over to Professor Screweyes he gave his name in a deleted scene which probably also had him discussing the time after time, and I won't bother going to detail about that as I know doing so will make you quite the awkward face. Slimer picked a piece of popcorn up as he got closer to Screweyes as he kept saying, "oh a piece of popcorn. Oh a piece of popcorn. Oh a piece of popcorn." Slimer finally reached the main tent area where Screweyes and the clown were waiting for him. I always hated clowns tbh, and one time my mother got me a clown toy which sat on the edge of my bed. During thunderstorms; I would hide under me bed as the clown then asked, "hey whatsa matter me?" Yes, the toy could speak because he had the heart of Erik Hartman the infamous talk show host. Erik Hartman had two hearts like a time lord, but he was very generous and gave one to a clown toy that he had when he was a little boy rolling cigars in the hills of Belgian. This whole story was famously discussed in his book The Hart Never Lies. I'm getting distracted, I'm really sorry for that but in any case Slimer basically asked what the big deal was. Professor Screweyes lit a cigarette as he said, "you my boy are perfect, you are exactly what Blue Face and I have been searching for all this time!" According to Screweyes; both he and General Blue Face had been searching far and wide for someone to call the ultimate soldier, and upon seeing that Slimer was a ghost who was friendly General Blue Face had realised that he was the perfect soldier because as a ghost he would never be able to die and could keep fighting for generations to come. Slimer was a pretty big fan of Sonic Generations, but he wondered what was in it for him. Professor Screweyes sensing the spud's fears over joining the army, decided to lick his lips as he then said that if Slimer helped the army out he would reward the green spud by giving him all the were chicken eggs that his ghostly heart could desire. Furthermore, Screweyes took it one step further by adding that Slimer could finally get to eat the largest were chicken egg, as previously Slimer had only been exposed to the second largest well that's according to the wily Egon Spengler anyhow. Screweyes made a blank contract appear magically with a pen to boot. Slimer stared with a moody bastard looking face at the contract as he asked, "there is nothing on this contract Professor, what are you trying to pull here?" "I like to keep things simple wanna sign?" Screweyes asked jokingly as he handed Slimer the pen.

Instead of using the pen to sign the contract, Slimer instead opted to click the contract as it smelt rather tasty and this was because the contract was not made from paper no instead it was made from the feathers of crows from the nearby farm. Screweyes has a peculiar fear of crows, but he keeps them by him at all times as he is the master of his fear. That is why he created the circus in order to make other people confront their own fears head on, and not to hide away like a spider from a newspaper. Screweyes then said, "you made the right choice sexy." Indeed, ole Screweyes had a thing for Slimer and his fat ghostly green ass, and can you blame him really? Slimer was then brought over to the truck, and he got inside the back of the truck where he quickly befriended a soldier named Willy. His name was what!? Ha ha! Sorry, about that my uncle's name is Willy and he eats t shirts for a living in order to prove himself to the local biker gang who are not interested in recruiting him into their ranks, but they pretend to humour him as they think he is a robot in disguise. Willy after hearing the rumbling of Slimer's stomach opened up his red lunchbox as he asked, "you hungry?" "Mmhmm." Slimer answered as Willy pulled out a cracker which came straight out from 1914 and a bar of chocolate from the bottom of his stove at his home in Forden. Slimer ate the cracker, as his lips became crusty and he looked proper ill as he said, "oh that's what I call a vile cracker!" "Eat this, you'll feel better," Willy said as he handed Slimer the chocolate bar. Slimer ate the bar in one big bite, well he was going to but instead he smiled an incredibly cheesy smile as he broke off one square of the chocolate bar and gave it to Willy who really shouldn't be given chocolate, as he is actually quite seriously lactose intolerant and the milky chocolate will cause him to ruin his Spider-Man bed sheets. He was one of the few unlucky sons of America to attend the dreaded Spider-Man pizza party. You couldn't even say no if you won the prize, as Dr Pepper would send a fat man in a fairy costume to stand in your garden. You'd call your folks for help, but they offered no help only saying they didn't own a fairy man and to get out of the house until the police came to sort the mess out. I need a shit. Sorry, anyways, Slimer sensed that he and Willy had some common ground and both agreed to keep close during their time on the battlefield. Slimer however had no idea what he was up against, and he also failed to realise that his troubles were only just beginning.

Back at the candy store; Winston a demolitions expert began laying out several sticks of dynamite along the side of the candy store. "This oughta blow the suckers out!" Winston remarked as he got ready to light a fuse. Not wanting Winston to blow up the precious jawbreakers; Clyde proceeded to fly inside of Winston's beautiful head as he pulled out the eye sockets of Winston's eyes. Winston's eyes became completely dark as he then was unable to see anything. "I think we blew a fuse guys!" Winston cried to which Venkman responded with, "I'm gonna blow your fuse if you don'[t hurry up lighting this dynamite." Clyde however really liked Winston, and saw him as a fellow traveller of the grave and so decided to put the eye sockets back in thankfully restoring Winston's sight. Winston while unable to see anything had made his way inside the candy store where he proceeded to try and make himself a sandwich made entirely out from soap and sponge. He doused the sponge in the soap which he dubbed the special sauce. Hmm, maybe that's what the army were after? In any case, turns out the dynamite wasn't real it was just joke dynamite from the local joke shop in the Bronx. Egon rubbed the back of his head as he then sang, "let's pack up, go home we're through." However, the roof of the candy store then proceeded to fly into the sky as a snowman puppet then came out from the store and flew towards the sky. "This is getting too weird for me!" Winston cried as he began making his leave down the streets only to get grabbed by the back of the collar by Stanz who said, "ghostbusters stick together through thick and thin Winston." The snowman puppet was now the ruler of the clouds, as he sat inside of the clouds controlling the weather to his hearts content. The snowman looked very pleased as he proceeded to make the weather dark, cloudy, and muggy. New York became enrobed in a massive snowstorm. The Ghostbusters began shivering like no tomorrow, as they began stomping their feet upon the chewing gum stained pavement in an attempt to clean themselves warm. The entire candy store became encased in a massive pile of snow which meant there was no way that the Ghostbusters were getting in not unless they owned a snow plough. Venkman really hated snow ploughs, as he is quite prejudice towards them for reasons I do not claim to own and nor do I wish to know. Egon then declared that they needed to deal with the snowman, before they could even think of dealing with the ghostly trio. "Let's just shoot the son of a bitch." Winston suggested, but Egon wasn't having that as he said that instead of that the Ghostbusters were simply going to issue the snowman puppet with a warning. Janine rubbed the back of her head with contempt as she remarked, "this won't end well." Does it ever Janine? Does it ever? The Ghostbusters could have rented a zeppelin from Cybus Industries, but they instead decided that a hoverboard was their best bet on reaching the clouds before dusk fell and the lamplights began to ply their trade. Over at the New York City Subway Terminal; a man in a booth was selling hoverboards for free it would seem and Peter Venkman rubbed his hands together evilly as he said, "oh yes; that's the way." Venkman asked how much the man wanted for the board, only for him to reveal that the board was not for sale but Venkman could win it if he was able to win a big race across New York all the way to Boston where you would be given Trix cereal by the secretary general who only eats the finest of Trix, "Um no thank you." Venkman said as he proceeded to steal the hoverboard right from under the booth and he threw it into the back of the Ecto-1 as the Ghostbusters began speeding down the streets. I would say that was rather callous of Dr Venkman, but I lied when I said it was a man running the booth in reality it was a fricking sluggy slug with glasses who was proper cringey to watch as he suggested that when Venkman won the race he should post about it on the social medias as he then proclaimed, "hashtag gadgetron!" I'm very outspoken on matters like outdated internet lingo and cartoons trying to appeal to the youth interrupting bears out there, but I decided to bite my lip so hard that it began bleeding all over the place but I don't care as I have unlimited blood. Seriously, just ask my old roommate Dracula he got so tired of attempting to drain my blood that he switched to drinking Diet Coke instead.

As the Ecto-1 made it's way back to the candy store; Egon then ate a big ole hotdog sausage whole as he shoved the entire thing in he said, "mm meaty." Just as they were about to reach the store, Egon who was the one driving Ecto-1 decided to pull over because he saw a burger truck that had parked just down the road from the candy store. Egon sat down on a bench with a big meaty burger in hand, as he kept annoying the others who patiently waited for him to finish eating by saying, "there better not be any butter on this damn roll, you know I don't take butter!" "Give me strength." Janine remarked who was watching the scene from the store as she then decided that she was going to deal with the problem herself. The Ghostbusters are so stupid in this episode they just left their proton packs right next to the store like no one cared, and Janine placed one of the packs onto her back as she said directly to me the viewer, "let's see what's going on shall we Jerry?" How did Janine know my name? She probably read my file which includes the story of how I once got the entire army base drunk by putting wimp rat juice in the annual Christmas punch bowl. Meanwhile, the truck carrying Slimer and the soldiers finally pulled up on top of a large hill which overlooked the entirety of New York City. Slimer flew out from the back of the truck, and stretched a stretch as a army helmet was then rudely thrusted upon his shiny dome, and he was also given a rifle to hold. "You ever fired one of these before?" General Blue Face had asked after handing Slimer the weapon but he had no time to answer the general's question because it was time for the troops to advance onto the frontlines. Slimer clutched the rifle tightly in his hands as he flew next to Willy who simply said, "don't worry Slimer, I'll take good care of you." Willy really wanted to get home to marry his beloved Doris who likes squeeze cheese way too much. She wrote him letters frequently, but he failed to realise that the letters clearly revealed she was having an affair with the gas man who gave her extra gas in exchange for a piece of ass, I'm so sorry that was horrible. General Blue Face after doing another role call pointed at Slimer with his blue sausage fingers as he barked, "green boy! Since you can fly; you will go up the field and see if... they are approaching." "Whose they?" Slimer asked confused as the helmet appeared to be far too big for the little spud as it kept sliding down and covering his eyes. General Blue Face helped slide the helmet back up as he then grabbed Slimer's face to look at his as he barked, "that's a order spuddy boy! Now do what you're told or I shall have you court martial by this time tomorrow." "Yes Sir!" Slimer proclaimed as he did a salute as he then flew to the other side of the field, but he found nothing of interest. Indeed, it seemed to be nothing more than an old abandoned football field. However, Slimer failed to notice that a pair of army boots were lying on the ground that he flew past which belonged to a recently deceased soldier who was presumably murdered somewhere in this part of the field. Suddenly, what appeared to be the sound of obnoxious bees buzzing appeared to appear from behind Slimer, but he thought nothing of it as he then began to make the trip back to General Blue Face and the others. The buzzing sound was beginning to become very intense, and I began to assume it was an error with the projector, but I couldn't have been more wrong in my assumption.

Suddenly, on the far side of the field a borough was shown, and out from the dirty borough some insect legs came out. They were sharp and hairy. A large orange and black hornet came out from the hole. It was massive, the size of a double decker bus. I used to be a big fan of wasps, and identified the wasp being shown on screen as an Asian Giant Hornet, only it looked far larger than the average AGH, and was the size of a dining room table. It wasn't just one hornet either, it was a whole fleet of the buggers. They were massive and they began buzzing after Slimer with their talons at the ready. Slimer freaked the heck out and tried to fly as far away as he could, but was grabbed by the tail by the General who much like Ray with Winston wasn't going to let Slimer get away so easy. If the General was going down, he was making damn sure that Slimer was going down with him. Slimer and the soldiers tucked behind a massive trench, as Willy then grabbed a hold of his rifle and rubbed it very affectionately as he bit his lip and said, "I'm going to make history lads!" Willy against the wishes of Slimer his best friend who he only knew for like an hour ran out from the trench and began bolting across the field with the rifle. He fired his gun all over the place, but none of his shots hit anything. Suddenly, Willy seemed to be on his own in the field there were no hornets in front or behind him. Willy turned back to the trenches, and gave them the all clear sign but just as they were about to pilling out a massive hornet appeared from behind Willy. Willy had no time to react as he was grabbed by the legs by the hornet, and was then violently dragged underground it's dungeon for it's dinner which it would no doubt be having with a dragonfly as the hornets were hoping to forgo their rivalry with the dragonflies as they hoped that both species could co-exist, but I don't know that might just be wishful thinking. Slimer was horrified to see Willy be dragged off to his death, and he realised at last exactly what General Blue Face and Screweyes wanted from him and the other troops. They wanted the laver from inside the hornets' hometurf which could then be made into honey which would be sold onto shelves for a dollar a pop and the fun don't stop. Using the funds made from said honey; General Blue Face would then purchase the candy store and turn it into a jawbreaker factory, and he would be having all of the jawbreakers for himself and no one would ever be able allowed in ever not even his mother whom General Blue Face had brought onto the battlefield with him for some reason, but he wasn't being very nice to her as when she complained that a moth had flown into heir handbag the general remained impassive as he poured a cup of tea into the bug drowning the moth. None of the other troops were prepared to actually fight, they had assumed they were just going to the field to do some training and maybe re-create the famous World War I Christmas day football match, but nope they were being thrust right into the heart of battle without even the slightest chance of survival. Willy had been tricked, and Slimer knew it well because while riding down the old country lane Willy let it slip that he had been persuaded to join the army, after Professor Screweyes told him that he could eat all of the Finley's steak pies that he could possibly want. Oh, dear reader you should see those pies. The well ironed crust, and the sausages through it makes me wanna sniff a shoe like Prince Charming.

General Blue Face made his way over the trenches, and began firing at the hornets which now flew above the sky like a scene from Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, but Slimer decided that even though the general was a horrid man he couldn't allow anyone else to follow the same fate as Willy. With the hornets distracted with trying to sting the general and the other soldiers, Slimer made his way over to the wasp borough that he had so carelessly flown past earlier. Also, back at the trenches, the soldiers were currently trying to kill the hornets by loading the cannons with mash potatoes, and the soldier loading the cannons was proper stupid as he believed that you shouldn't swear in front of a wasp as they don't like it, and he also believed himself to be untouchable from the wasps as his brother who had an egg for a head was a police officer. The police officer was proper awkward too as he always had his back turned when pictures were taken of him, as he didn't wish the public to see his face as they may realise that he is the one who has been stealing Nintendo Wii's from the local shops. Slimer flew inside the borough, and entered an area where what appeared to be a large mixing pool which was full of nectar which would then be converted into honey. These hornets were among the few wasps that actually produced honey it would seem; the other few wasps that do produce honey you can't even eat that shit because it tucks into human skin or something I dunno that's what my friend in Memphis says. Slimer flew above the ball as he saw a wasp climbing down from what appeared to be a crow's nest which hung above the borough, and that wasp was on lookout duty. It had seen Slimer approaching the borough, but it didn't think that Slimer was dumb enough to actually try and fly inside it. The wasp stuck it's ass in the air with it's stinger pointed upwards ready to give Slimer a good hiding, but that's when Slimer took a massive dump in the bowl, and it came out as premium ranch dressing. The lookout wasp seemed really puzzled as it appeared next to the bowl, and began eating the contents of the bowl and realised that Slimer had cracked the salad dressing code. The wasps were very angry, but not because the soldiers were trying to nick their laver they were actually annoyed because they were unable to come up with a good enough recipe to use for their potato salads. Potato salads are the only thing that these insects can eat, and they were delighted when they realised that Slimer had gone out of his way to provide them with the ultimate recipe. "Don't mention it!" Slimer proclaimed happily as he did a little bow. The hornets made peace with the soldiers, and they shook the hand of General Blue Face who seemed confused and like he didn't know where to look because he was looking up at the sky when the wasp he was shaking hands with was on the ground control to Major Tom. Anyways, Slimer asked about Willy, but the wasps shook their heads as Willy was indeed dead. Slimer shrugged as he thought Willy was a bit of a wet blanket, or at least that's what he pretended to think as he then had a daydream about being an old man ghost on a rocking chair as Willy approached him and gave him a hug. Old Man Egon appeared and asked, "what you hugging there Slimer? Ay Slimer? Ay Slimer?" Old Man Egon who had a full beard then began flying around Slimer in slow motion as he kept asking, "ay Slimer? Ay Slimer? Ay Slimer?" Slimer woke from his daymare as he then realised that he might have sealed his own doom as he was now cornered by the hornets who seemed to have special plans in mind for him and his ghostly shitting powers.

It turns out that the ghostly trio at the candy store were actually vey passive, as they had tea with Janine as they then explained that they were just trying to escape their ex boss who was a beast who was responsible for them becoming ghosts. Janine who was interested in starting her own radio therapy show got extra close to the three ghosts as she asked for them to go a little deeper. Puckstreet went first by saying, "well my dear; it went a bit like this." The three ghosts proceeded to explain that many years ago; there was a massive drought in their home village of Timberline they made their way to the castle which was the only place that was not being affected by the drought. They asked the master of the castle for tea and custard, but the owner turned them away with contempt. The villagers were forced to look for new homes, but not all of them made it with the three ghosts having been killed. Jerry Nightingale got his head bitten off by a bear, because suffering from severe hunger he mistakenly believed a bear to be a nice big piñata. He poked the bear with the stick as it proceeded to brutally rip Jerry's face off, Stuart Puckstreet meanwhile tried to eat a watermelon but then decided it would be funny to see how far he could shove it up his nose before he had to call for an ambulance. Needless to say; he didn't get it very far. Clyde meanwhile fell asleep underneath an old oak tree when a spider it was a daddy longlegs I believe flew into his mouth, and made a web inside him. Disgraced by now having to live with a spidery tum, Clyde turned to some friends in the village who he thought could help him out. Instead, they turned on him they drowned him in the river because one of them claimed that a duck had told him to do it in a dream, and he also claimed the duck to be of the French persuasion, and that the duck was a proud veteran of World War II. Janine smiled as she laughed and then said in a shrill bill of a tone, "that's hilarious." Both Jerry Nightingale and Clyde laughed hysterically as well, the only one who didn't laugh was Stuart Puckstreet who simply said, "it wasn't that funny." Janine then decided that she would help the ghostly trio out. Using the Ghostbusters' retirement funds, Janine was able to buy the candy store herself and she gave full ownership of the store over to the three ghosts who thanked her must profusely for helping them in their time of need. Egon had finally finished his burger, but just as he was about to order another one from the burger truck, Peter Venkman had already began flying towards the sky on his hoverboard. He reached the snowman puppet's domain, and tried to blast him with the proton pack but he was confused when the snowman put up no resistance and just sat on the clouds looking bored. "What's the matter little fella?" Venkman asked the snowman who gave no response but then it sang, "help! I need somebody help!" That's when Venkman realised that the snowman puppet was actually a real snowman from the North Pole which had been given a brain by the three ghosts and then ordered to distract the Ghostbusters while they had their fun in the candy store. "I'm so sorry!" Venkman apologized, but it was too late for the snowman had seen that both he and the other Ghostbusters had no good in their hearts, and he decided that it was time for them to be given the ultimate punishment. The snowman proceeded to eat a piece of toast as it made a phone call to the three ghosts. Clyde answered the phone as he said, "oh don't worry we've got something extra special planned for those four, but do tell me something my snowman chum do you ball?" The phone call got very awkward as the snowman didn't realise that Clyde was using slang for basketball, but in fairness Clyde could of explained it better or maybe even just said the word basketball.

Upon hearing from Janine about the past lives of the ghostly trio, the Ghostbusters asked to be forgiven, and the three ghosts claimed that they were happy to provide it. It was a time for big emotions, as the Ghostbusters were given Summer jobs inside the candy store where they would have to do some accounting work in the backrooms of the store which were completely red in colour, and there were boiling hot radiators everywhere, In a moment of dumbness which probably wouldn't be out of place for the later version of the show; Egon touched one of the radiators and got a nasty burn on his fingy. He showed the burn to Ray who went from being well Ray into a bald headed English geezer who looked very concerned when Egon said rather sheepishly, "I think i got a rash." You don't get rashes from burns Egon you dunz! Egon was really a dunz too, as inside the accounting office he was made to wear a dunz cap which fitted him perfectly. Whose your hatter Egon? Mine went mad. The accounting room was white and very cold so very cold indeed. It had rats all over the place. There was a tinman lying on the ground next to the table where the Ghostbusters would be writing in the account books; it was Soldier Sam who was so very cold like some kind of Dashing Daddy Starling. Peter Venkman and the others then decided that they were just going to have make the best of it, as they began typing up the accounts and for the next ten minutes it was just the ghostbusters writing up accounts, and I should also mention that the rats were massive far bigger than any average house rat. Like the farmer inside him, Dr Venkman tried to kill the rats with a shovel, but they seemed to be indestructible, The rats swarmed around Venkman who cried, "get them off me! Get them off me!" Egon ignored Venkman as he went back to trying to finish his accounting work. Slimer wasn't faring much better either as he was now being forced to make the hornets and the human soldiers potato salad all the time. The wasps were never able to find the correct salad dressing, and now that they had it they weren't going to let it go without a fight. Slimer was hooked up to a machine which pulled on the lower part of his body like it was cow utters, and he was basically milked and since he is a ghost he will never run out of the juice. Slimer looked at the screen and shrugged as he remarked, "at least I'm not a cream egg." Slimer then turned into a cream egg as the episode then ended. Had Slimer been a cream egg this whole time? Somewhere in my heart, I think I always knew. The episode's credits were normal, but the Ghostbusters were dancing backwards in the street instead of forwards which hanged David Sycorax who proceeded to grab the projector off from the table, and throw it across the room. He then began charging towards myself and Mr Llewellyn who hid behind me like a frightened little school girl. "Perhaps I could be of assistance." A voice said in the distance, and that's when I realised that I knew the voice and now I knew the man. Professor Screweyes! How had I not realised that his name appearing at the start of the episode was obviously a clue to his appearance in the actual episode.

That was when something else had dawned on me; all of the other Sycorax were completely missing from the castle, and I rubbed the back of my head as I asked, "hey what happened to the rest of the guys?" "I'll show you! If you'd follow me!" Screweyes asked as we did as told and followed him to the lab area from earlier. All of David's fellow Sycorax were trapped inside of large steel cages, and had been force fed Cap'n Crunch cereal in order to keep them from trying anything funny. Screweyes then explained that years ago as a boy; he fell asleep next to a berry bush when one of the bushes just one fell upon his eye. A hungry bird spied the berry a crow to be precise. It pecked for the berry, but got his eye as well. "Senseless!? Yes!? I had nothing to earn such a fate so ever since I've known that the world makes no sense and have acted accordingly!" Screweyes barked as he then filling up some buckets with satsumas, but the ones that sing like in the Santander ads. Come on you must know the ones. Screweyes then revealed that he intended to make the Sycorax into his own personal minions which he intended to use in his circus where he made people confront their own fears as he thought that it was the only way that people could truly come to overcome their fears. "This guy's nuts." Mr Llewellyn remarked, though he sounded more bemused than anything almost as if he expected this was some kind of game that Screweyes plays. I've been a bad drone! Sorry about that, I was quite chewing the dog reader that's how I am don't mean nothing by it as Screweyes got to work on setting up more cages for the Sycorax; I decided that it was time to be a man as this was a man's steak after all. I grabbed a satsuma from one of the buckets that Screweyes had laid on the table, and I then proceeded to throw it at a big red button which lay on the wall next to one of the cages. "You can't be serious!" Screweyes cried at the top of his lungs as he held his head in despair. The cages all swung open as David's fellow Sycoraxa were let free. The horrified Screweyes had time to react, and before David could kill him with his electrified whip a fricking helicopter crashed through the rooftop of Cardiff Castle, and who should mention from the copter than none other than Professor Screweyes' older brother Captain Newseyes who was a proper weird man as he liked to send mutant toys into the homes of mutants who then sing a song about how you are not allowed to mock your daddio, and Newseyes was a magic man as he could grant wishes but he never granted the right ones. A really dumb kid who had 50 chins asked for it to be Christmas every day, but Newseyes misheard the word Christmas and thought that the boy had said he wanted dinosaurs everyday. So, in response, Captain Newseyes who might I add was a beautiful expy of Albert Einstein responded by giving the boy three dinosaurs one of which had just had its wisdom teeth removed so he was in mood for jokes. The boy died after the dinosaur crushed him to death with its fat ass. "Whoops!" The dinosaur remarked. The other person accompanying Captain Neweyes was none other than General W.R Monger who pointed at me as he yelled, "I've got a bone that needs picking with you my boy!" Newseyes then confronted his brother in the main area of the castle with, "I should of known that it was you, you've always been a loose eye Screwy ever since you lost your eye all those years ago." "Oh shut up, you old bastard!" Screweyes yelled.

Out of completely nowhere, Captain Neweyes got proper awkward as he walked out of the room while Screweyes was still talking to him as he said, "oh I must go now it is chilly." Neweyes made a ladder appear magically underneath the helicopter, and we all took earns climbing onto it all of the Sycorax managed to fit on the vehicle as it was kind of like the Tardis in the sense that it was far bigger on the inside, no joke the inside of the helicopter was the size of a football stadium in the Bronx. Captain Neweyes did offer Screweyes a lift and the chance to redeem himself, but Screweyes refused and we left without him. I was sitting next to a window which meant that I could see what Screweyes was doing down below while we flew towards the muggy and quite frankly very smelly sky of Cardiff City. Screweyes was now shrouded in complete darkness as he cried, "brother... brother wait! When I have no one to scare I get very frightened myself. The crows could..." Suddenly, the crows that had been surrounding Screweyes the whole time flew up to him as they proceeded to swarm all around his body like a scarecrow. The crows then left where Screweyes had been standing, and he was no longer there the only thing that remainded of him was his one steel eye. One of the crows pecked at the screw with its beak, before taking with it to its nest over in Palisade. Wow that suddenly got dark real fast didn't it. and as the crows and why they followed Screweyes it was probably because he smelt like a rotten banana that was left in a drawer for six months and a half shell. It all worked fine in the end for me though, as after explaining the story over to W.R Monger and the top members of the top brass they were impressed with my handling of the Sycorax hostage situation and they decided to have me replace the recently deceased Madding as the army's staff sergeant. Sadly, Madding was right in not trusting me as I am a corrupt son of a bitch who lets my soldiers take the fall for me when they're caught smuggling pink custard and fairy liquid for me. Yes, I drink fairy liquid because I don't care about it being a washing up liquid as it makes my insides feel all bubbly and clean probably because of the chemically tang. As for Captain Newseyes; he found the three dinosaurs mentioned earlier, and had them perform shows at the local science museum and he also let them get proper dehydrated as he didn't think that dinosaurs had to drink, he also got proper cruel albeit unintentionally as he would drink a big glass of ice cold strawberry lemonade in front of the dinosaurs as their lips fell off from how crusty they were. Professor Screweyes wasn't the monster, it was his brother Captain Neweyes all the time! He was a proper old bastard! Since Neweyes was too cheap to hire a security guard for the museum and because most people were afraid of the dinosaurs, they would often break out from their exabit and go on the run to the local golf course as dinosaurs are actually massive fans of golf in case you were interested, and I kind of doubt that you were but anywho or should I say any poo? Ha ha! Anyways, Mr Llewellyn got a cold or something and the Sycorax went back to their home planet where they tried their hand at starting their own rock band. Well, David Sycorax actually resigned from being the leader as he had become quite accustom to Earth and its many ways, and he is currently working at Sainsburys as a cashier, but he has a massive freakout because he can't figure out where the barcode on a piece of broccoli is located.

As for my feelings towards The Real Ghostbusters episode; personally, I thought that it was really horrid. I felt like it was making fun of my spheksophobia AKA the fear of wasps, and I also felt like Egon's hatred of the butter might cost the Ghostbusters their chances of getting sponsored by Flora. I will say this however, I would gladly take this episode that Professor Screweyes made over any episode that was made following the interference from Q5 and the show was rebranded into Slimer! And The Real Ghostbusters. I mean they literally got rid of Janine's pointy glasses and gave her round ones in their place, because they claimed that children are frightened of sharp objects. What a load of botonny sandwich! I'll have you know that I am already scared of glasses ever since I got some marshmallow stuck to mine while on a camping trip with the most judgemental squirrel that I have ever known. She constantly turned down every idea that I ever suggested, but I got my own back by throwing her onto the fire. Right, well reader, I've got to go as the mailman just arrived at my door, with my package containing my favourite film ever made. Ghostbusters hopefully this one will have my beloved Winston on the front cover. Now, where is that danish?