I'm the One & Wild Thoughts

*Todd plays "I'm the One" and then "Wild Thoughts" on the piano.*

***DJ KHALED ft. JUSTIN BIEBER, QUAVO, CHANCE THE RAPPER & LIL WAYNE - I'M THE ONE
AND
DJ KHALED ft. RIHANNA & BRYSON TILLER - WILD THOUGHTS
A pop song(s) review***

**Todd:** Hi, everyone. Good news: things are starting to look up. Not, like, in the world or anything, obviously; we're not gonna talk about that, but pop music at least is starting to feel happy again.

*Clip of "There's Nothing Holdin' Me Back"*
**Shawn Mendes:**Oh, I've been shaking
I love it when you go
**Todd (VO):**After complaining all year about how downcast and depressed pop radio has been, I think the clouds have broken. *[clip of "Despacito"]*Pop music is starting to sound like pop. It's able to be sad *or* happy. It can express a full range of emotions. Apparently, the Hot 100 finally...

**Todd:**...started taking some Zoloft or something. And a big part of that is one man, *[clip of DJ Khaled ft. Akon**,** Rick Ross**,** Young Jeezy**,** Lil Boosie**,** Trick Daddy**,** Ace Hood &* *Plies - "Out Here Grindin" plays...]*one towering figure in music. The one, the only...

**Khaled:** DJ KHALED!
**Todd (VO):**Yes. The man, the legend: DJ Khaled.

**Todd:**The man who gave you all the memes!

*Clip from* Complex Closets
**Khaled:**Congratulations, you played yourself.
**Todd:**Classic.

*Clip of DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper & Lil Wayne - "I'm the One"*
**Khaled:**We the best music!
Another one
**Todd:**Another one! Another *two*actually. He's got two hits...

*Video for "Wild Thoughts"*
**Todd (VO):**...on the radio right now, and I feel like covering them both. Not because I find these new songs particularly great or interesting, but because...

**Todd:**DJ Khaled is just a fascinating guy.

*Video for Dj Khaled ft. Akon, T.I., Rick Ross, Fat Joe, Birdman & Lil Wayne - "We Takin' Over"*
**Todd (VO):**And in recent years, he's become not just a music mastermind, but also just beloved as a bigger than life personality the way *[images of...]*Lil Jon or Andrew W.K. are. We just like having him around. DJ Khaled makes the world a happier place. Which...is really interesting to me because...

**Todd:**DJ Khaled...doesn't actually do anything.

*Clip of "Welcome To My Hood" with arrow pointing at DJ Khaled (Doing Nothing)*
**Plies:**Some of them did they bid
The other half waitin' to go to court
**Todd (VO):**I mean you want to talk about memes? The oldest meme I've associated with the man...

**Todd:**...from the very beginning was this one: *[shots of articles asking the same question...]*What does DJ Khaled even do? *That's*always been the meme. And the answer is nothing. He doesn't do a damn thing.

*Montage of clips of "I'm On One" and "Do You Mind"*
**Todd (VO):**Does he rap? No, never. Not once. So, he's a producer then. Like Timbaland or David Guetta?

**Todd:**Nope. I'm-I'm told he...

**Todd (VO):**...used to occasionally-very ocassionally-but, no. These days he doesn't do that either. I mean it's right in the name-DJ Khaled. He's a DJ. And not in the sense of a beatmaker or a remixer, but like a *[picture of...]*wedding DJ. He plays other people's records, and maybe he shouts a couple catchphrases here and there.

**Todd:**So really he shouldn't be famous or get credit for anything. Yet, he is and does. And, I'll be honest, he has a pretty good track record.

*Clip of DJ Khaled ft. T-Pain**,** Ludacris**,** Rick Ross and Snoop Dogg - "All I Do Is Win"*
**T-Pain:**All I do is win, win, win
**Todd (VO):**DJ Khaled's music is...almost always pretty solid. The man has the jams, even if they're not really his. So how do you account for that? Well...the way I had it explained to me *[h/t Andrew Unterberger, Billboard.com]*is that he actually *is*a producer. But...

**Todd:**...not like a record producer, *[picture of...]*but like a *Hollywood*producer.

*Clip from* Ren and Stimpy
**Stimpy:**A producer is the guy that tells the artist what to do...and later makes all the changes...and then he takes all the credit.
**Todd:**No-no seriously...

*Back to "We Takin' Over"*
**Todd (VO):**He uses his connections to find the artists and gets them together to make music, and he finances the whole thing. A-and look at the people behind his tracks. It's just *[clips from I'm the One"]*the hottest names right now like Rihanna, Quavo, Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper. Everyone wants to work with him because they know his brand is a seal of quality. That doesn't *sound*like a lot but...

**Todd:**...if it's so easy *you*try getting Rihanna or Justin Bieber on your music. You...probably could get Quavo though. He's just showing up everywhere all of a sudden. Think I saw him under my bed *[cuts to black screen with Quavo chilling in the lower right corner]*.

*Video for "Wild Thoughts"*
**Todd (VO):** Now like I said, I'm not saying his two big hits this year are particularly great. In fact, I'm already pretty sick of both of them.

**Todd:**But I'm sick of them because I've listened to them a lot because I don't...

**Todd (VO):** ...instinctively change the station every time I hear them. Which is more than I can say for like *[clip of "Unforgettable"]*French Montana or anything.

**Todd:** Okay, so we got two songs.

*Montage of clips of "I'm the One" and "Wild Thoughts"*
**Todd (VO):**One is built around Justin Bieber, the other around Rihanna. These are not people who really need more exposure in 2017, and uh...

**Todd:**The themes of either song...

**Rihanna:**I hope you know I'm for the taking *["i want to sex" -Rihanna]*
**Justin:**I'm the one, yeah
I'm the one *["i sex good" -Justin Bieber]*
**Todd:** Yeah, it's not exactly breaking new ground either.

*Video for "I'm the One"*
**Todd (VO):**That may be why I got sick of them so quick. But hey, even *[clip of "Needed Me"]*Bieber's and Rihanna's stuff lately has been kinda moody and downbeat. So, I'm-I'm  *[clip of "Wild Thoughts"]*willing to give them a pass for, you know, being upbeat and happy.

**Todd:**Now let's look at the first one.

*Clip of "I'm the One"*
**Khaled:**DJ Khaled!
**Justin:**Yeah, you're lookin' at the truth
The money never lie, no
I'm the one, yeah
**Todd (VO):**This is a posse cut. Three of the biggest rappers and the biggest singer. And considering how long he's been bubbling under, it's great to see Chance the Rapper on an actual #1 hit.

**Chance:**We just watchin' Netflix, she ain't got no cable
Okay though
You can't get angry about that, right? I mean, I'm, uh...

**Todd:** ...not sure he brought his A-material.

**Chance:**She beat her face up with that new Chanel
She like the price, she see the ice, it make her coochie melt
*Chance the Rapper*

*Clip of Chance performing "How Great" at 2017 Grammy Awards*
**Chance:**Exalt, exalt, glorify
Descend upon the earth with swords
And fortify the borders where your shortage lie
I used to hide from God
Ducked down in the slums like "Shhh"
*Chance the Rapper (on a radio single)*

**Chance:**When I met her in the club
I asked her who she felt
Then she went and put that booty on that Gucci belt
**Todd:**You know maybe some guys just shouldn't do verses on pop songs.

*Clip of "I'm the One"*
**Quavo:**She the one that bring them rain drops (rain drops)
**Todd (VO):**And then there's Quavo doing *his* thing with the-the sound effects and the ad-libs.

**Quavo:**'Cause when we pull up (brt-brt!) all angles
**Todd:**You know can we really call them ad-libs anymore if he does it in *every*single verse he's ever done?

**Quavo:**We go back
Remember criss-cross and hopscotch? (hopscotch)
**Todd:**I'm having difficulty imagining Quavo playing hopscotch. *[clip of kid playing hopscotch]*Look at my hop! Bitch, look at my hop!

**Quavo:**Modern day Bonnie and Clyde what they named us (why?)
'Cause when we pull up (brt-brt!) all angles
*Todd doesn't say anything*

 *Clip of Bonnie & Clyde getting shot multiple times*
**Todd (VO):**This is *literally*the only thing he can be referring to, right?

**Lil Wayne:**Lookin' for the one?
Well, bitch, you're lookin' at the one
And Lil Wayne does *his* thing. You know, "I'm the shit"; "I bang bitches"; *[image of lizard on rock]*"I periodically shed my skin and sun myself on a rock."

**Todd:**You know.

**Lil Wayne:**For the record, I knew Khaled
When that boy was spinnin' records
**Todd:**Whoa! Did Lil Wayne just say out loud that DJ Khaled hasn't produced anything in a long ass time?

**Lil Wayne:**For the record, I knew Khaled

When that boy was spinnin' records

*[by which I mean, like, a billion years ago]*

**Todd (VO):**That's not cool!

**Todd:**Don't say that out loud! I mean we all *know*it, but...

**Todd (VO):**Maintain the illusion, geez! Pro-wrestlers don't yell out...

*Clip from WWE match*

*[Hulk Hogan voice]*I'm only pretending to punch the guy! OH YEAH! I have no actual strong feelings towards him!

**Todd:**And what gets me about "I'm the One" is that...

**Todd (VO):**...you know you got these, you know, tattooed thugs on the track, especially *[mug shot of Justin Bieber]*this violent menace to society.

**Todd:**But the beat sounds really innocent.

**Justin:**Oh-eh-oh-oh, eh-oh

I'm the one

**Todd:**Okay, see you got these chords they-re-they're...

*Image of Nick Long's Four Chord Song*

**Todd (VO):**...similar to the pop song chords.

**Todd:**I think they're called like...uhh, the-the '50s chords, or the-the heart and soul chords. It goes like... *[plays chords on piano: I . vi . IV . V]*Yeah those chords. Anything with those chords...

**Todd (VO):**...automatically just kinda sounds sweet and innocent.

**Todd:**Which is why this beat in particular kinda sounds like...

*Video for Justin Bieber - "One Time"*

**Todd (VO):**...one of Bieber's early hits back when he was a kid.

**Justin:**Let me tell you one time

**Todd:**And that's probably why this is the most punchable he's been in a *long*time.

*Clip of "I'm the One"*

**Justin:**I'm the one

Oh-eh-oh-oh, eh-oh

**Todd (VO):**Jeez, look at him. Oh, yeah, yeah. I-I can feel that good old...

**Todd:**...2009 loathing rolling right back in. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's good stuff.

**Todd (VO):**In fact, wait a minute. This is a posse cut...about banging chicks...rinky-dink beat...'50s chords...uncharismatic singer...Lil Wayne...

**Todd:**Pfft! This is basically Young Money's "BedRock!"

*Clip of "BedRock"*

**Lloyd:**Call me Mr. Flintstone

I can make your bedrock

**Todd:**You hear it right?

*Clips from "I'm the One"*

**Quavo:**'Cause when we pull up (brt-brt!)

*...and "BedRock"*

**Gudda Gudda:**Grocery bag

**Todd:**Alright, uh, screw all the stuff I said defending that song. I'm never listening to it again.

*Video for "Wild Thoughts"*
**DJ Khaled:** Another one
**Todd (VO):** Alright, let's look at the other one, "Wild Thoughts." Now this one is *way* better.

**Todd:** But I do have one big problem with it.

> **Rihanna:** When I'm with you, all I get is wild thoughts
>
>

**Todd (VO):** You see, that's a sample of "Maria Maria"...

**Todd:** ...off of Santana's *Supernatural* album.

> *Clip of Santana ft. The Product G&B - "Maria Maria"*
>
>

> **Product G&B:** Played by Carlos Santana
>
>

**Todd (VO):** And it occurs to me that some of y'all might not recognize it, but trust me. It was inescapable in 2000. And, um...I'm used to artists sampling songs from my...

**Todd:** ...childhood, but...this is starting to get really *really* close to my adulthood.

**Todd (VO):** Sometime soon they're gonna sample like *[clips of Outkast's...]* "Hey Ya," or *[...and Kelly Clarkson's...]* "Since U Been Gone," and...

**Todd:** ...and then I'm just gonna quit.

> *"Since U Been Gone" keeps playing*
>
>

**Todd (VO):** You won't even get a goodbye. *[shot of Todd's piano with GONE FOREVER sign on the wall]* I-I'm just gone. I-I won't be able to take it.

> *Back to "Wild Thoughts" video*
>
>

> **Rihanna:** When I'm with you, all I get is wild thoughts
>
>

But, yeah. Whatever you want to say about *Supernatural* era Santana, it's nice to hear that screaming guitar again.

> **Rihanna:** I hope you know I'm for the taking
>
>

**Todd (VO):** And this is the hottest Rihanna has sounded since "Rude Boy."

**Todd:** I mean, pfft, gets the blood pumping, am I right?

> **Rihanna:** I don't know if you could take it
>
>

> Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked
>
>

*Todd is speechless*

> **Rihanna:** Nakey, nakey, naked
>
>

**Todd:** *[pause]* O-Okay, yeah, "nakey, nakey, naked" has just killed my interest completely in this song.

> **Rihanna:** Wild, wild, wild
>
>

> Wild, wild, wild thoughts
>
>

> Wild, wild, wild
>
>

**Todd:** Hey, wait a minute...this sounds like that other Rihanna song.

> *Clip of Rihanna ft. Drake - "Work"*
>
>

> **Rihanna:** Work, work, work, work, work, work
>
>

**Todd (VO):** I mean granted, I'm not good with accents, but like...it's identical. That-that-that's how she pronounces "work."

> **Rihanna:** Work, work, work, work, work, work
>
>

> *Clip of "Wild Thoughts"*
>
>

> **Rihanna:** Wild, wild, wild
>
>

> Wild, wild, wild thoughts
>
>

**Todd:** When I'm with you, all I get is work thoughts. I'm just so backed up at work right now, I can't-I can't focus.

> **Bryson Tiller:** Treat you like a lady, lady
>
>

**Todd (VO):** Oh, and the other guy. Who's the other guy we have here? Okay, this is Bryson Tiller. I've heard him before...

**Todd:** ...but I swear to God, I always forget what he sounds like immediately.

> *Clip of Bryson Tiller - "Don't"*
>
>

> **Bryson:** I want you bad as ever
>
>

**Todd (VO):** Like every time he comes up, I'm like...

**Todd:** "Oh yeah, yeah, the uhh...the bro country artist?"

**Todd (VO):** No, no seriously. If you knew nothing about the guy, and you heard the name Bryson Tiller, *[picture of white country dude]* you'd think he looks like this. I forget him not because of like his performance. It-it's just his style of music. *[album cover for TRAPSOUL]* Trap soul. Those things...

**Todd:** ...do not go togeth-anyway.

**Todd (VO):** Just get him off that chill trap, Zayn "Pillowtalk" sound...

**Todd:** ...give him like a real beat with some Santana guitar. That'll make things way better.

> *Back to "Wild Thoughts" video*
>
>

> **Bryson:** I heard that pussy for the taking
>
>

*Todd sighs and lowers his head*

> **Bryson:** I heard that pussy for the taking
>
>

**Todd (VO):** Yes, she-she literally just said that...

**Todd:** ...like a minute ago.

> **Rihanna:** I hope you know I'm for the taking
>
>

**Todd:** Congrats. You-you heard it correctly *[gives thumbs-up]*

> **Bryson:** Make her cream
>
>

> Yeah, Wu-Tang
>
>

> Throw that ass back, bouquet
>
>

**Todd (VO):** Wow, we *are* going retro. A Santana song from 2000...

**Todd:** ...and hashtag rap from 2010.

> *Clip of "BedRock"*
>
>

> **Gudda Gudda:**Grocery bag
>
>

**Todd (VO):** Christ. I can't escape "BedRock"! What-what seriously, hashtag rap...

**Todd:** What is going on?!

> **Rihanna:** You know this cookie is for the baking
>
>

**Todd (VO):** Okay, the more I listen to this, the more I'm realizing that the premise of this song...

**Todd:** ...is that there's nothing sexier than ridiculous metaphors.

> **Rihanna:** Kitty, kitty, baby give that thing some rest
>
>

> 'Cause you done beat it like the '68 Jets
>
>

**Todd:** I'll let that one slide. *[photo of...]* Joe Namath was a good-looking man. But let's see what else we got here. Football teams...

> **Bryson:** Fuck you til you're burned out
>
>

> Cremation
>
>

**Todd:** Burning dead bodies...

> **Rihanna:** Spinning and it's wet
>
>

> Just like it came from Maytag
>
>

**Todd:** Washing machines...like I-I'm imagining Rihanna *[photo of Rihanna...]* literally rotating

> **Bryson:** Carryin' that water
>
>

> Bobby Boucher, baby
>
>

**Todd:** *[image of...]* Adam Sandler. Yeah, that's a turn on. These are the things I want to think about...*[images of...]* laundry, grandma's ashes, and Adam Sandler.

> *Clip from The Waterboy*
>
>

> **Professor:** Something's wrong with *his* medulla oblongata!
>
>

**Todd:** A-anything else you wanted to add there? You've got me feeling intense like *[commercial for SPCA]* an SPCA ad. You've got me screaming like the *[clip of...]* foot-cutting scene from *Saw*. Okay, I think I'm not gonna listen to this song anymore either.

> *Clip of "Wild Thoughts"*
>
>

> **DJ Khaled:** We the best music!
>
>

**Todd (VO):** I cannot say that I think this specifically is the best music.

**Todd:** But that claim is always kinda funny anyway.

> *Clip of "I'm the One"*
>
>

> **DJ Khaled:** We the best music!
>
>

**Todd (VO):** DJ Khaled surrounded by his musician friends shouting, "We the best music!"

**Todd:** I mean, it's not false.

**Todd (VO):** We, this group of people, are some of the most talented and successful music-makers in the world. Sure.

**Todd:** By the same token, *[photo of...]* here's me and Shaquille O'Neal. We have a combined four championships and fifteen all-star game appearances. *[shrugs]* You know what? I'm just gonna get other people to review for me, and add a short clip at the beginning

*Several YouTube comments requesting Honest Trailer for Suicide Squad*

*The Following Is An Honest Movie Trailer...*

**Todd:** We're the best Youtubers! Cha-ching! Man, I just gotta start *[shot of DJ Khaled's swimsuit pic]* posting Instagram pictures now and I'm set for life!

*Gets up and leaves*

> *"Wild Thoughts" ends*
>
>

*Closing Tag Song: "Kill the DJ" - Green Day*

***THE END
"I'm the One" and "Wild Thoughts" are owned by We the Best Music***

**This video is owned by me**

***THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!***