A Match Made in Hendon

**"Tonight we have to avoid completion of things, like, y'know ..." - Pen**
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**"Wot'n ale's fozz'r'ye doin'?" - Pencil**
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If you *do* have a problem with profanity, please refer to this page § 3.

"**A Match Made in Hendon**" is a new episode of Pencil 2.O, and until recently, there has been neither number nor date associated. In this episode, Pencil sets Match up with an Anglophile who does not know she isn't British

## Saturday, June 29, 2013

### **The Foreign Language Cinema**

**Scene**A film is playing in Chamorro. In subtitles are English words.
**Lighter**: [*in subtitles*] I will kill this pen!
**Ping Pong Ball**: No, please! How shall I finish my essay when you destroyed my last typewriter?
**Lighter**: That's up to *yooooooou!*
**Ping Pong Ball**: No!
[*Close up to the pen in question, then to the audience as Lighter snaps the pen on the screen. When returning to the screen, all that is seen is "The End". Outside the screens, exeunt* **Pencil**, **Pen** *and eight of the kids.*]

* **Ma****tch**: So, how was the movie?
* **Ja****vier**: It was terrifying!
* **Ma****tch**: Really? The romance movie that guy saw with me was *perfect*.
* **S****a****y****e**: Yeah, it wasn't that bad. Everyone knows they're just actors, the lot of them!

[*Exit* **Salvador**, *shaking.*]

* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: We are never watching Guamanian cinema again!
* **P****e****nci****l**: So, kids, where shall we go for dinner?
* **S****a****y****e**: I'm in the mood for some Nigerian.
* **X****i****men****a**: Ooh, are we flying to Lagos again?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, there's a good place right by this plaza! Let's go!
* **Ma****tch**: Hey, like, while you're there, can you get me a man?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot?
* **Ma****tch**: I'm just, like, kidding! I told the guy to break up with me in, like, six minutes.

[*Pencil rolls her eyes jokingly.*]

* **S****a****y****e**: But why can't we go home?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot, you's got a date tonight?
* **Ja****vier**: And I thought you promised that we'd go bowling!
* **Z****o****rah**: Yeah, Dad!
* **P****en**: I'm just going along with your mother's plan.
* **S****io**: Oh, come on!
* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: Whatever you do, I'm not going at all!

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: What?

### **Ekwefi's**

**Scene**The view of Salvador standing fades into that of him sitting at Ekwefi's Igbo-American Fusion Cuisine.
* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: Did I just disagree with Mum?
* **Z****o****rah**: Hey, what are you getting?
* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: [*sarcastically*] Stuff.
* **Y****a****r****e****tzi**: Anything with sweet potatoes.
* **S****a****y****e**: That's, like, 90% of the menu!
* **P****en**: Sst! Some people value their cultural food! Like, me with pasta or your mum with... with... back me up on this?
* **Ja****vier**: *Ugali?*
* **P****en**: Yeah, that.

[*Enter* **Blessing**.]

* **Blessing**: *Kedu!* Welcome to Ekwefi's Igbo-American Fusion Cuisine. My name is Blessing and I will be your waiter tonight. What beverages would you like to drink?
* **P****en**: Water for everyone.

[*Salvador lightly kicks Pen under the table.*]

* **P****en**: And a soft drink for my water-allergic son.
* **Blessing**: Alright, I shall return.
* **P****en**: Oh, you wanted water too, right?

[*Pencil is in a daze, looking across the restaurant.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Can't. Focusin'.

[*She stares directly at another person on the other edge.*]

* **P****en**: Let me know when you're ready to or—

[*Pencil gets up in the middle of his sentence and leaves.*]

* **P****en**: —der.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sorry! [*She walks back to him*] Ask fer the yam smoothie.

[*Pencil walks by herself.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: *Why's 'e lookin' thet way? Does 'e like someone?* [*gasps*] *Wot if thet's after me man? No, I can't let this 'appen!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, person!
* **Yosh****iko** **Sato**: Hi, you must be the serv—

[*Pencil slaps him.*]

* **Bill****ow****nayce**: Who are you? I demand to know.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Is thet yer friend?
* **Bill****ow****nayce**: He's my cousin.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Either way, 'e's been a-starin' at our table fer the pas' somethin' minutes!
* **Yosh****iko** **Sato**: You saw?
* **Bill****ow****nayce**: Who *are* you?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Me name's Pencil, simply a native 'ere, an' I don' appreciate yer cousin watchin' thet man order food like a true gentleman!
* **Bill****ow****nayce**: Yellachiers wasn't looking at him.
* **Yosh****iko** **Sato**: I don't go that way!

[*Pencil looks at him, shocked.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Then thet means—
* **Yosh****iko** **Sato**: I was looking at *you*.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, wot?
* **Yosh****iko** **Sato**: You're beautiful.
* **P****e****nci****l**: W- wot? Usually, it's boys *an'* girls 'o gi' me boy a look. An' unlike you, this man o' mine ain' related to me. We're married.
* **Yosh****iko** **Sato**: Married? Oh ma'am, oh ma'am, I'm so sorry!
* **Bill****ow****nayce**: And I'm sorry for him.
* **Yosh****iko** **Sato**: It's just—
* **Bill****ow****nayce**: He has a *thing* for British people.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*flatly*] Woooooow. 'Ow'd ye find out?
* **Yosh****iko** **Sato**: Well...

[*Flashback to the family entering the restaurant.*]

**C****i****t****lali**: But I'd rather stay home and watch anime!
**P****e****nci****l**: Oi, kids, 'ear me ou' on this! *We'n' a-geh'n' t'a'yef, wa't'n th'ly h'er bri'h'ee 'ome fer a fo dethet w'a' kno'r'n 'a'ng! We cwa'e r'h'reas'nd when y'e'ld'ef to dw'e an'd'n y'co'em, y'ear?*
**Kids**: Yes, Mum!
**P****e****nci****l**: Thank ye.
[*End of flashback.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Wow, thet's wot I sound o'?
* **Yosh****iko** **Sato**: Surely you must have some British friends... Friends who are single?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*not understanding*] Okay, I do! I've some friends 'o h'are!
* **Yosh****iko** **Sato**: Here's my number. Please distribute it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Fine!

[*Pencil goes back to her seat.*]

* **Sa****lvad****o****r**: What the hell was that?
* **P****e****nci****l**: It was jus' a man 'o likes British girls.
* **P****en**: So he wasn't looking at me?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No.
* **P****en**: Darn.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I told'e thet I've got British single friends thet I could 'ook'e h'up with.
* **Ja****vier**: Mum, you don't have any British friends!
* **P****en**: It's ironic, eh?

[*Pencil kicks Pen from under the table.*]

* **P****en**: Oy!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I may not 'a' h'any British friends to'm I regularly speak, but I do've got a single.
* **P****en**: Who?

## Sunday, June 30

### **Match's house**

**Scene**Pencil and the kids are with Match—a scene change to this, for once. The kids are watching *Inanimate Insanity* on March's wide wide-screen TV.
* **Ma****tch**: You found me a date?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye!
* **Ma****tch**: Omg! Thanks, girl! So who is this guy, like, like, like, like?
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'E's... an object. An' he speaks... English?
* **Ma****tch**: That's good enough for me!

[*Enter* **Eraser**.]

* **Eraser**: Wow, low standards.
* **Ma****tch**: Shut up!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, geh'n' talk to the kids!
* **Eraser**: M'kay! [*to them*] Cheesy gets eliminated—oh wait, you're past that part?

[*Match rolls her eyes.*]

* **Ma****tch**: What else does he, like, like, like, like?
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'E likes British girls.
* **Ma****tch**: Eh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: An' single girls.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, I fit, like, *one* of that.
* **P****e****nci****l**: But you sure as 'ale ain' British. Thet might be the definin' factor.
* **Ma****tch**: Factors? We can't just, like, talk about factors! Especially around your kids!
* **C****i****t****lali**: Hooray for product placement!
* **X****i****men****a**: Mummy, one day, I'd like to go to the Meeple Centre!
* **P****e****nci****l**: In yer dreams, child.
* **Ma****tch**: Who's to say I'm not even, like, British anyway?
* **P****e****nci****l**: There's a passport to thet.
* **Ma****tch**: Whatevs. I'll tell him Canada's still got the, like, Queen.
* **P****e****nci****l**: There you go! Canadians are jus' British Americans, right?

[*Eraser snorts.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: See, someone found thet funny!
* **Eraser**: Where is that Pen anyway?
* **P****e****nci****l**: He's at home, planning for his 24th birthday.
* **Eraser**: Oh!
* **Ma****tch**: And, like, where would I *meet* this person?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I don' know! I got 'is numbers.

[*Match squeals.*]

* **Ma****tch**: O-M-*G*, thank you, thank you, thank you, you're the best friend there, like, is!

[*They hug and jump, the way old friends do.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Jus' stop by h'an I shall give'ee the h'instructions.

[*Match stops jumping.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Like, what instructions?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're supposedly an English girl, yeah?
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah!
* **P****e****nci****l**: An' thet's y'agreed to h'a yerself—
* **Eraser**: Because of your terribly low standards.

[*Match walks up to Eraser in a rage, about to slap him. Instead of that, though, she gently brushes her palm against his face.*]

* **Eraser**: I wasn't expecting that.
* **Ma****tch**: Just wait until they've all gone and you're in the room—
* **P****e****nci****l**: *An'* we're off! Come on, kids, let's get to the car—
* **Ma****tch**: Waaaait! What do you, like, mean about instructions?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Y'know, me way o' provin' ter others 'ow the way to be h'English is. It's a foolproof plan!
* **Ma****tch**: Let me guess: You're going to, like, put a fake accent on me when I can *clearly*, like, imitate your accent.
* **Ja****vier**: You should try it!
* **Qala****m-Rass****as**: Say some stuff, Aunt Match!
* **Ma****tch**: [*in Pencil's accent*] *The rain in la Spain falls mainleh h'on the pain, but 'o'n the fuק cares acos we're too h'away far in Africker, oh, 'ey h'o, m8!*
* **X****i****men****a**: Omg!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wow... Thet was good, I'm almos' speechless! Maybe you should let some other teach'ee the ropes.
* **Ma****tch**: Kay-kay. Hey Eraser, you still talk to that British girl?
* **Eraser**: Yeah, why?
* **Ma****tch**: Call her right, like, now.
* **Eraser**: I am not breaking up with her—
* **Ma****tch**: For her to teach me how to be a proper British lady thing!
* **Eraser**: Fine.

[*He calls her on the phone.*]

* **Eraser**: Yo Nica!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, I guess this is goodbye fer today.
* **Ma****tch**: Alright, I'll talk to you later, like, tonight!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Kids, we're a-leavin'!

[*A. R. I. of goodbye.*]

## Notes

1. ↑ **(Igbo)** "Hello!"
2. ↑ Who knows what Tennis Ball's and Golf Ball's eyebrows would do.