Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 12

DO NOT PROTECT THIS PAGE (UNLESS I HAVE ADMINISTRATOR BACK) IN CASE I NEED TO EDIT PAGE ACCORDINGLY DUE TO POSSIBLE CHANGES IN THE DOCUMENT. Refer to the disclaimers in Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 1 for more information on why this page exists. It's important. But the gist is, I want to archive it/save my work somewhere, and please don't read if you want to wait until I release the finished product. Thank you.

*Pages 276-300 (The last thing to be archived!! Well, at least until the next 25 pages come up.)*

> John: Use cruxite dowel on totem lathe. (01225)

You clamp the CRUXITE in the lathe.

> John: Activate lathe. (01226)

The lathe carves ONE (1) TOTEM.

You take the TOTEM.

Pesterlog

EB: alright, i used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing.

EB: now i guess i take it back to the alchemixer again?

EB: hello???????

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is no longer connected! --

EB: uh…

TT was trying to return the bathtub to its designated room, too, but the connection has just been severed. Your bedroom door is now blocked!

Two minutes remain.

A young lady stands in her bedroom. Due to a violent storm, her house has just lost power, along with her wireless internet connection. This has severed her link to a popular video game she was playing with a young man at a critical moment. That young man is relying on this young lady to reestablish a connection somehow. This young lady named...

Named...

It's on the tip of your tongue. What was the name of this young lady again?

> Enter name. (01227)

You enter in "FLIGHTY BROAD".

No, that wasn't it!

> One more time. (01228)

You enter in "ROSE LALONDE".

Really suits her, innit?

> Examine room. (01229)

Your name is ROSE. As was previously mentioned you are without ELECTRICITY, although your LAPTOP COMPUTER still functions on BATTERY POWER. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for RATHER OBSCURE LITERATURE. You enjoy creative writing and are SOMEWHAT SECRETIVE ABOUT IT. You have a fondness for the BESTIALLY STRANGE AND FICTITIOUS, and sometimes dabble in PSYCHOANALYSIS. You also like to KNIT, and your room is a BIT OF A MESS. And on occasion, if just the right one strikes your fancy, you like to play VIDEO GAMES with your friends.

What will you do?

> Rose: Retrieve arms from the purple box. (01230)

The PURPLE PACKAGE'S contents are private! No one is allowed to look inside.

> Rose: Writhe like a flagellum and puke on your bed. (01231)

Ugh, what a terrible idea! The thought alone makes you sick to your stomach.

> Rose: Stroke writing journal and mutter, 'My precious…' (01232)

You would only resort to such an embarrassing activity while no one was watching!!!

These journals are for your eyes only.

> Rose: Get violin. (01233)

You captchalogue the VIOLIN, storing it the ROOT CARD of your SYLLADEX.

> Rose: Play a haunting refrain on the violin. (01234)

You waste approximately 40 seconds playing the violin while your friend is in peril.

Nice time management skills there, sweetheart!

> John: Tell Liv Tyler you love her before impact. (01235)

Since your good for nothing friend is obviously not going to bail you out in time, you issue words of parting fondness to dear, sweet Liv. Oh, if only Affleck could have been the one to make the final sacrifice instead of her stubborn, blue collar, salt-of-the-earth father. Then she would fall into your arms for consolation, and YOU would be the one to make the deceased Bruce Willis proud.

> Rose: Captchalogue knitting supply bag. (01236)

You get the KNITTING BAG. It occupies the LEFT LEAF CARD under the VIOLIN, per the TREE MODUS'S alphabetical sorting method.

K < V.

> Rose: Look out window. (01237)

Your panoramic window offers a view of your yard below, and the mausoleum housing your dead cat, JASPERS, who died when you were young. Your MOM had the structure erected with a spirit of scornful IRONY in response to your youthfully innocent request to hold a funeral for the animal. At least, that is how you have come to interpret the gesture in retrospect.

You can also make out a silhouette of the LABORATORY next door, a facility which likely broadcasts a strong WIRELESS INTERNET SIGNAL. You may be able to connect to the signal from a different part of the house. Perhaps if you seek higher ground?

> Rose: Get laptop. (01238)

You take your LAPTOP and prepare to make the journey through the house.

L < V. L > K.

This causes the tree to be unbalanced, so your SYLLADEX auto-balances itself. Now the LAPTOP occupies the ROOT CARD, while the other two items comprise the LEAVES.

K < L. V > L.

> Rose: Examine book on desk. (01239)

"GRIMOIRE FOR SUMMONING THE ZOOLOGICALLY DUBIOUS"

This book is absolutely indispensable for enthusiasts of your ilk. Of which there are very few.

> Rose: Take book. (01240)

You take the GRIMOIRE.

G < L, G < K.

> Rose: Go explore the house. (01241)

You leave your BEDROOM.

Hanging just next to your door in the hallway is a painting of an EXQUISITE WIZARD. Your mother collects these awful things IRONICALLY. She must know how much you detest them, and there is no doubt in your mind she stores these dreadful things in the house to bother you.

Down the hall to the right is the way to the OBSERVATORY. Perhaps you will be able to connect from up there?

Your mother's room is also in that direction. You will have to watch your step.

> Rose: Tiptoe to observatory. (01242)

You approach a juncture in the hallway. Beyond the juncture is the OBSERVATORY.

You think you can see MOM standing in that hallway, if the lightning is anything to go by.

> Rose: Sneak by. (01243)

You quickly go from one side of the juncture to the other, and proceed further.

This door leads up to the OBSERVATORY. You haven't ventured up there in quite some time.

> Rose: Go through door. (01244)

The door opens to an exterior walkway, leading to the observatory entrance.

You've seen less inclement weather before. Oh the things you'll do to help out a friend.

> Rose: Hurry up to that observatory. (01245)

You are safely inside the OBSERVATORY, away from the rain. It houses a huge telescope.

> Rose: Try to connect! (01246)

You first put your LAPTOP down on the floor to get it situated.

But removing it from the ROOT CARD causes all the branches and leaves to be severed! Your items are dumped unceremoniously on the floor.

> Rose: See what you can observe. (01247)

You're in a hurry, sure, but that doesn't mean you can't take moment to peek through the HUGE TELESCOPE.

You find a gap in the clouds. It seems a flurry of smaller METEOROIDS is streaking steadily overhead. You're not sure what this means, but it is somewhat disconcerting.

> Rose: Stack laptop on Grimoire to maximize elevation. (01248)

You'll need every advantage you can get.

> Rose: Access laboratory wifi network. (01249)

You close out of GameFAQs and check the available networks.

There are several signals being broadcasted from the LABORATORY, each of relatively decent strength.

One of them is mysteriously and quite conveniently UNSECURED, requiring no password.

You select the signal, and reconnect to the game with John.

Pesterlog

TT: I'm back.

EB: hurry up and open my door!!!!!!

EB: not that it even matters, i think i'm probably dead no matter what!!!!!!

TT: Patience. You still haven't used the new totem.

EB: ???

TT: I believe it will create the item on the punch card.

EB: so what is it, like an apple or something?

EB: what good will that even do?

TT: We'll see.

TT: I've found no evidence that anyone has successfully created the item.

TT: And the content of the card appears to be variable from session to session.

TT: In one instance it was described as an "eggy loking thign" [sic].

EB: do we have enough of those building jewels to make it?

TT: According to the Atheneum, it is a free item.

TT: This speaks to its importance, in my view.

TT: Now off you go.

31 seconds remain.

> Rose: Remove door from hinges. (01250)

There goes the rest of your BUILD GRIST.

> Rose: Put bathtub back. (01251)

You probably should have just done this in the first place.

> John: Take totem to alchemiter. (01252)

You place it on the pedestal.

Got to get those stupid blocks out of the way first!

The KERNELSPRITE is getting awfully worked up about all this!

> Rose: Remove blocks. (01253)

You store the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS in your PHERNALIA REGISTRY, potentially to be deployed at a later time.

The arm shoots (or scans?) the TOTEM with the red laser.

A cyan tree spawns on the platform. It quickly grows a cyan apple, as foretold by the PRE-PUNCHED CARD. The apple falls on John's hands as the tree disappears as quickly as it appeared.

> John: Take bite of apple. (01254)

Despite everything that you've been through so far, you are unsure if this is even edible. But as the asteroid comes ever so closer to your neighborhood, the number of options dwindle down to one. Somehow, this apple will save you, and maybe your DAD, too. He might be in the house baking stuff, or he might be busy in his study. You never know with him.

You bite the apple at the last second.

Everything turns white in your vision.

John's neighborhood has been wiped out by the explosion.

> Years in the future, but not many… (01255)

A WAYWARD VAGABOND records a stuttering step in the sun-bleached dust.

He wanders the sand dunes, seemingly in search of nothing in particular. His legs resemble that of sticks.

Later on, he sees a white structure hidden in the sand. There seems to be a lid on it.

He wipes the sand off the lid to reveal a worn-out mural of the SBURBAN GATE.

> Go back to present. (01256)

Rose has started writing the walkthrough for SBURB on GameFAQs.

"Sburb Beta Walkthrough

Version 1.0, April 13, 2009

By tentacleTherapist

TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. Caveats and Condolences [0000]
2. Walkthrough (incomplete) [A000]

[0000] Caveats and Condolences

I'd be inclined to dispense with the trite even under less pressing circumstances. Needless to say I'll forego the inscrutable ASCII banner which typically heralds the striking freefall of these documents. I'll also resist the urge to brandish any copyright marks, or the particular neurosis that concerns itself with the theft of the utterly mundane – I'll allow other deranged prospectors to stake claims on their worthless plots as the woods burn around them. My introduction will be sparse. There will be no majestic prose blustering into the sails of a galleon as we embark on this voyage together. Nor will there be any hamfisted prose whipping its limbs under a bedsheet like a retarded ghost, for that matter. I won't set the stage, or dim the lights. The mood, you will see, will be set soon enough.

Since you are reading this, chances are you have installed this game on your computer already. If this is true, like many others, you have just participated in bringing about the end of the world.

But don't beat yourself up over it. There was never anything you could have done to prevent it. The end is happening right now, as I type, and as you read. I have come to understand that we were always doomed through our collective ignorance, and now further doomed by those few who know, and struggle to flee. If you're lucky, you'll be among the smaller subset of the latter who are successful.

What I mean is, while that game you installed is just one more grinding slab of rock sealing our planet's crypt, it is also your only hope to live. I'm presently faced with the same conundrum as you, and though I speak with more experience, my own outcome is far from assured. I will "play the game", as much of it as there is to play, and record my findings here. If you want to live, you will do as I instruct.

My condolences.

~TT"

# Act 2: Raise of the Conductor's Baton

> John: Regain consciousness already! (01257)

You never lost consciousness in the first place. However, you find that your house is now surrounded by a black void. The ground supporting the house still stands, but some things are separated from reach, like the tire swing.

On closer examination, there seems to be a gray ring around the ground. Beyond the observable ground is a shroud of gray clouds below.

The KERNEL divides. The two halves go their separate ways, leaving behind the SPRITE portion. The dark portion goes through the clouds; the other, into the sky. Strange blue SBURBAN GATES spawn above your house, each one higher than the other.

> BOY. (01258)

What is left of the SPRITE undergoes a mysterious transformation.

He is now a Tier 1 HARLEQUINSPRITE, looking a bit more human while also looking like a ghost.

For a moment you thought you heard someone say "BOY", as if whispered in the periphery of your awareness.

It was probably just your imagination though.

> YOU THERE. BOY. (01259 P1)

…

What?

> BOY. LISTEN TO ME, BOY. (01259 P2)

His name is John, you nincompoop.

> BOY WHO IS JOHN. DO AS I SAY. (01259 P3)

What would you like 'BOY WHO IS JOHN' to do?

> OBEY MY COMMANDS, JOHN BOY. (01259 P4)

And those commands would be…?

> I WOULD LIKE THE BOY TO INTERACT WITH HIS ENVIRONMENT IN A CONSTRUCTIVE MANNER. (01259 P5)

Maybe you should be a little more specific?

> HAVE THE BOY ASSESS HIS CURRENT SITUATION. (01259 P6)

I'm afraid I can't 'HAVE THE BOY' do that. Tell him to do it yourself!

> VERY WELL. (01259 P7)

…

Ok.

> ==> (01259 P8)

That instruction does not do anything at the moment!!!

> ==> (01259 P9)

Sigh. Could you please turn the controls over to a more competent user?

> I can't! Whoever this person is, they are overriding my authority! (01259 P9.5)

Well, it's good that YOU are still here, at least.

How we make them stop is yet to be seen, though…

> ASLFSAKLADAK (01259 P10)

Increasingly sophomoric.

Also, you almost spelled 'SALAD' in there.

> PEEK OVER THE RAILING. (01259 P11)

Getting close to the railing makes you a little nervous. It's a long way down.

> WHAT'S THAT (01259 P12)

It looks different now.

After you bit that APPLE, your whole house seemed to be trasported somewhere. Then the APPLE disappeared and the KERNELSPRITE underwent a transformation. Aside from the change in appearance, the transformation doesn't seem to have any relevant ramifications.

> THE GHOST CLOWN. DO SOMETHING WITH IT. (01259 P13)

The 'GHOST CLOWN' is called the KERNELSPRITE! Or, rather just the SPRITE now, I suppose.

You can't 'DO SOMETHING' with it at the moment! The only thing you can theoretically do with it is TIER 2 PROTOTYPE IT, assuming that's still possible…

> TIER PROTO TYPE THE SPRITE, OR THE THING YOU SAID. DO IT. (01259 P14)

You are not the one who is supposed to prototype it! The SBURB SERVER USER is supposed to do that.

> BOY, OPEN THIS DOOR AND WALK THROUGH IT. (01259 P15)

You enter your house.

> WAIT GO BACK OUT HERE BOY. (01259 P16)

Something you missed there, buddy?

> THIS LARGE PLATFORM. GOOD GRIEF, WHAT IS IT BOY? (01259 P17)

The ALCHEMITER created the APPLE, or the tree that sprouted it rather, right on time to save you from destruction. You're not sure if you can say the same for your neighborhood though.

You wonder what happened to your DAD?

> EXAMINE THE STRANGE BLUE VASE. (01259 P18)

It is the piece of CRUXITE you carved with the TOTEM LATHE.

When its contours were scanned, the ALCHEMITER was able to produce that tree. How odd!

> GO BACK IN AGAIN. (01259 P19)

Now having looked at everything you could possibly look at in the deck, you set about exploring the rest of the house.

> BOY, GO IN HERE. (01259 P20)

That's John's bedroom door. You now have led John to his bedroom.

> INSPECT THIS GHASTLY MAN AND HIS BOY. (01259 P21)

'Fred Savage has a punchable face' your ass! More like a talented young actor's face who you would want to hang out with if you got the chance, and also if he were not a fully grown man now.

Anyway, the thought of monsters lurking in your house scares the shit out of you, which is why this movie is so awesome. But the fact that those monsters could also be your BEST FRIEND is what makes it DOUBLY AWESOME.

> IS THAT JOHN CUSACK? (01259 P22)

You guess so, but damn that door be coverin' up your man Cage something serious. That ain't cool!

> THIS DOOR. EXPLAIN THIS. (01259 P23)

Rose sure did a number on your house. But you guess she did manage to save your life.

YOU GUESS.

> OBSERVE THIS BOX. (01259 P24)

THE BUNNY IS NOT IN THE BOX.

I SAID, THE BUNNY IS NOT IN THE BOX.

WHY COULDN'T THE BUNNY BE IN THE BOX?

> ARMED FOES OF THE DECEASED? (01259 P25)

Most people say the second one was not as great as the first, but you just feel the opposite. It was really cool and sort of gross how they hosed each other down with slime that made people angry.

TG refers to the film as 'nasty manbro bukkake theater', whatever the hell that means.

> MARVEL AT THIS ADVENTURE IN OUTER SPACE. (01259 P26)

This movie is…

Ok, this movie is really bad. Not even you can defend it. You've been meaning to take this poster down, actually.

> BOY. LOOK THROUGH THIS WINDOW. (01259 P27)

At least your TIRE SWING remains unmolested. A tree without a tire swing is like…

Like a house without a surrounding neighborhood, you guess.

> ADMIRE THIS SMALL PERSIAN RUG. (01259 P28)

It's a towel, dumbass! It will probably come in handy for cleaning up this weird mess in your room. Not that it's a huge priority, though.

> THIS HUGE SEWING MACHINE. OF WHAT USE IS IT. (01259 P29)

The PUNCH CARD seemed to contain the instructions for carving a TOTEM of a certain shape. You guess maybe other PUNCH CARDS will produce different shapes? It bears further exploration.

> THIS FUNNYMAN TEXT. YOU SHOULD IGNORE IT. (01259 P30)

Just looking at the cover cracks you up! What a great book. Harry Anderson is your hero, and Mike Caveney's glowing treatment of the man does him every bit of justice.

You'll have to give this another read soon.

> INVESTIGATE THIS DEVICE. (01259 P31)

Pesterlog

TT: John?

TT: Are you there?

It seems you are still connected to the internet. Rose is trying to get in touch with you.

You will reply in a moment, once you have fully assessed your situation.

> EXAMINE THIS UNPLEASANT FLUID. (01259 P32)

What is this stuff? It looks like black goo…or even worse, black blood.

> GO OUT OF THE DOOR THAT IS NOT THERE. (01259 P33)

You are back in the landing.

> THAT MAN WITH THE HUMOROUS SPECTACLES. ADMIRE HIM. (01259 P34)

Oh, Michael Cera. Your warm smile is a shining beacon in these dark times.

> WHAT IS DOWN HERE. PROCEED, BOY. (01259 P35)

You go down in the corridor.

> I AM NOT FOND OF THIS SMUG FELLOW. (01259 P36)

THE MAN. THE MYTH. THE LEGEND.

What do you have up your sleeve there, Anderson?

Look at that poker face. He's not telling a soul!

> GO IN THERE NOW. (01259 P37)

You go in the left door, to the bathroom.

> YOUR PLUMBING APPEARS FAULTY. (01259 P38)

Man, Rose did such a piss-poor job of fixing the bathroom. It would almost certainly be a mistake to try and use the toilet!

You guess you could just go pee over the edge of the cliff…

> PEER THROUGH THAT WINDOW. (01259 P39)

At least your backyard was salvaged too.

Sort of.

> LEAVE AT ONCE. (01259 P40)

You exit the bathroom.

> OPEN THIS. (01259 P41)

Your DAD's room is still locked!!!

> NO GO BACK. (01259 P42)

You re-enter the landing.

> I DETEST THIS! DISREGARD IT? (01259 P43)

The HARLEQUIN PAINTING?

You have the sentiment in common with John then, I suppose.

> GO DOWN STAIRS. (01259 P44)

You start going down the stairs.

> STOP. WHA NO NO NO NO NO. KEEP MOVING. (01259 P45)

Believe me, you have no intention of turning your head to observe this dreadful thing.

You enter the living room.

> VILE. PAY NO MIND TO THIS FILTH. (01259 P46)

What is he even doing there? Playing with a ball or something?

Clowns are stupid.

> WHY DOES THIS SMALL MAN STAND HERE? (01259 P47)

This HARLEQUIN is always ready to serve you with illumination, whether you're reading a book, or just enjoying a nice pipe.

Seriously, though, why does DAD love them so much?

> A SMALL DESSERT TRAY? USELESS. (01259 P48)

In retrospect, it was pretty funny when your DAD pied you like that. Gotcha'd again by the old man!

> WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS RUBBISH. (01259 P49)

A lone head of a HARLEQUIN figure, just sitting there.

Ok, even YOU have to admit. This one's pretty funny!

hehehehe!

> USE THIS TO RESEAL THAT OPENING THERE. (01259 P50)

If only putting the lid back on the CRUXTRUDER would undo all it's done. Alas, Pandora's Tube has been opened.

> MOVE THIS ABSURD EDIFICE AND EXIT YOUR HOUSE, BOY. (01259 P51)

This thing weighs a ton! You'd honestly be surprised if the game's cursor could lift it, or at least not without a significant expense of GRIST.

Of all the places for Rose to drop this infernal thing. More than ever you feel… what's the word you're looking for?

Of course. Housetrapped.

> DESTROY THESE DIMINUTIVE SOLDIERS OF MERRIMENT. (01259 P52)

It hardly seems worth it to go to the bother.

You doubt you could get much for them at a garage sale even. Maybe a grubby palm of pennies and a kick in the nuts for the whole lot of 'em.

> WIELD THESE INSTRUMENTS OF COMBAT. (01259 P53)

Any one of these things would make a fine weapon. If only your STRIFE SPECIBUS wasn't already allocated. Oh well.

> UGH, NO. (01259 P54)

So coy. So mysterious.

> TOPPLE THIS URN IMMEDIATELY. (01259 P55)

That would be disrespectful to your NANNA! You just won't do it!! Or not intentionally at least!!!

You consider that it is fortunate she is no longer around to witness this sorrow. On the other hand, you would probably benefit from her elderly wisdom now…

> STOW LUMP OF SOOT FOR FUTURE USE, BOY. (01259 P56)

That stuff is really dirty and you don't want it!

Besides, you have it on good authority that a significant portion of it is comprised of asbestos.

> HERE BOY. IN HERE. (01259 P57)

You enter DAD's study.

> INSPECT THIS MERRY BAND OF PERFORMERS. (01259 P58)

Cirque du Soleil once filed a restraining order against your father. You were never so embarrassed in your life.

> THIS IS A MESS, BOY. (01259 P59)

You're so glad your DAD wasn't watching when you did this. He never would have let you hear the end of it.

> CONSUME NUT. (01259 P60)

You would, but you're not sure if this dark realm has any hospitals.

> READ UNPLEASANT LITERATURE. (01259 P61)

SERIOUS JESTER MAGAZINE.

FOR THOSE FOR WHOM CLOWNING AROUND IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

> DISREGARD THIS NONSENSE. (01259 P62)

Your DAD used this stuff sometimes to dazzle you with his silly vaudevillian escapades. Really, you couldn't roll your eyes hard enough at his corny act.

> OPERATE THIS INSTRUMENT. (01259 P63)

You play your favorite haunting refrain; SHOWTIME, written by MALCOLM BROWN and KEVIN REGANEY. It is the only one you've ever known how to play, and seemingly enough, the only one you will ever know.

> IS THIS TOBACCO BURNING APPARATUS? (01259 P64)

Yuck. You still have pipe-taste in your mouth.

> THROW THIS UGLY THING OUT THE WINDOW. (01259 P65)

You will not do that intentionally!

You only resort to throwing stuff out the window via SYLLADEX mismanagement.

> IT HAS A KNIFE. BE ALARMED AT THIS. (01259 P66)

R.I.P. Ledger.

> THIS MAN IS AN IMBECILE. IGNORE HIM. (01259 P67)

He's alright. Looks like he doesn't take himself to seriously, and knows how to have a good time.

You can only assume your DAD hung it crooked to make it look more 'whimsical'.

> LOOK HERE. (01259 P68)

It's dark out there. Can't see anything for miles.

> OPEN THIS IRON VAULT, BOY. (01259 P69)

You don't know the combination!!!

> SEEK THE RICHES HE GUARDS BELOW. (01259 P70)

This one offers a friendly wave.

But yeah, this is really just another stupid piece of shit.

> I SEE TREACHERY IN HIS EYES. (01259 P71)

Oh, he doesn't look so bad.

> RETURN TO THE LARGE ROOM WITH THE GROSS PAINTINGS. (01259 P72)

It's called the living room, but ok. Whatever you say.

> THIS WAY. THROUGH THE DOORS LIKE YOU SEE IN A COWBOY SALOON. (01259 P73)

You enter the kitchen.

> SNIFF VEGETABLE. (01259 P74)

Doesn't smell like anything.

> THIS BOOK IS TOO BIG FOR A YOUNG STUPID BOY. (01259 P75)

COLONEL SASSACRE's is your favorite book! Almost as favorite as WISE GUY! They are both your favoritest of all time!

> SAMPLE POWDERED UNCOOKED DESSERT. (01259 P76)

Back ye miserable wench! Stay thy choking airborne particulates of temptation!!!

> EXAMINE THIS ARTWORK. (01259 P77)

Your DAD was so proud when you drew this. He hung it up immediately and it's stayed there ever since.

That was one week ago.

> PEEK IN BOWL OF GOO. (01259 P78)

Wherever your DAD went, he seems to have left in a hurry.

For all his absurdities you have to put up with, you sure wish he was here right now.

> THIS IS A TELEPHONE, BOY. USE IT. (01259 P79)

The phone doesn't work!

> EXAMINE THIS SMEARED SUBSTANCE. (01259 P80)

Is this…

Oil?

You wonder what happened in here. Where's your DAD?

> PLUNDER CHEST. (01259 P81)

Would you like to play a game?

> OPEN THIS DOOR NOW. (01259 P82)

You are in the utility room, the room that you previously entered via a fresh crack in the bathroom floor.

> THIS IS NO TIME FOR LAUNDRY. (01259 P83)

You're right. Thank you for being sensible about it.

> OPEN THESE AND RIFLE THROUGH THEM FOR GOODS. (01259 P84)

You don't give a shit about what's in there! Probably nothing you'd be inclined to use now anyway.

> EXIT, BOY. (01259 P85)

You are now outside your house, on one of the pieces of ground that is still there, near the POGO-RIDE.

> ADMIRE THIS WALL-MOUNTED GADGET. (01259 P86)

Through some mysterious force, your house still seems to be powered, even though the wires are severed. Quite bizarre.

> FIDDLE WITH THE BRIGHT SPARKLY THINGS. (01259 P87)

That sounds incredibly dangerous! John sensibly disregards your awful advice.

> PONDER LAWN AMUSEMENT. (01259 P88)

Your childhood nemesis, the SPRING-MOUNTED POGO-RIDE, sadly was not swallowed by the void. It will have to wait another day for its comeuppance.

> BOY, ENGAGE THIS MANGLED TRAPEZE DISPLAY. (01259 P89)

Looks like your SWING SET is toast. You relive fond memories in a moment of sorrow.

> CLAIM THE DANGLING TREE-BAUBLE. (01259 P90)

The TRICK HANDCUFFS are still there! THANK GOD.

And no, you are not about to try to 'claim' them just now.

> Unknown voice: Press CTRL + T. (01259 P91)

What the fuck? How do you know that's a thing?!

Oh great, now noclip mode is on. Or whatever this mode is supposed to be. John is no longer visible to the mysterious typist, but John can now go anywhere.

> GO ON ROOF. (01259 P92)

You are understandably confused at this command, especially since you know there's no way to get on the roof. You also wonder why you can't see your hands and body anymore. However, with all other options to get out of this mess depleted, you attempt to walk on the wall, with smashing success.

You are now on the roof. Nothing special seems to be happening though.

> SHENANIGANS (01259 P93)

You hear this when you walk near the chimney. You go in it to find a peculiar room. It looks like some sort of office. Your DAD's secret lair, perhaps? How the fuck is it accessible through a chimney of all places?

> MAKE DESK INTO FORT AND VISIT IMAGINATION LAND. (01259 P94)

Wow…

…So like… Where can I get some of YOUR drugs?

> UNPLUG WINDOW. (01259 P94)

…It's a window…

> PICK UP WINDOW. (01259 P95)

This is so infeasable it hurts me.

> WOAH, WHAT? THIS IS THE PUMPKIN? HOLYSHITHOLYSHITHOLYSHIT!!!!!!1111 (01259 P96)

No it's pumpkin shaped graffiti…

I thought we already established that 'Problem Sleuth' takes place in a different universe. Obviously, there are no disappearing pumpkins in the human world. That's impossible, in terms of the EARTH's logic!

> RETRIEVE ARMS FROM SAFE. (01259 P96)

You already HAVE arms stupid!

> SHOOT SAFE. (01259 P97)

With what?

> OPEN SAFE. (01259 P98)

Before you can open the safe, you are mysteriously transported back in the outside portion that you have access to, near the door.

> Unknown voice: Press CTRL + T again to disable noclip mode. You've seen enough.

Good going, Commander. I believe that I had quite enough of this nonsense as well.

John assumes that he was having a really weird daydream. Or worse, a hallucination. God, Sburb has ruined your life.

> BACK INTO THE HOUSE WITH YOU. (01259 P99)

You go back in the utility room.

> GO BACK INTO THE LUNCHEON PARLOR. (01259 P100)

Interesting way to say kitchen, but ok. Do you not remember proper names that well, or…?

> RETURN TO THE ROOM WITH THE DEAD HAG'S REMAINS. (01259 P101)

Wow, that was an awfully rude comment! Seriously, you would have had an easier time just typing 'LIVING ROOM'.

I would think that you're feigning stupidity out of spite, but the problem is, I have no idea who the hell you are.

> BOY, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND. (01260)

For the last time, this boy's name is John!!!

> FINE. JOHN. RETURN TO YOUR QUARTERS. (01261)

You go back up to your bedroom, tiptoeing around this weird petroleum-based sludge.

> NOW JOHN. RESPOND TO YOUR FRIEND UNIT. (01262)

Pesterlog

TT: John?

TT: Are you there?

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum! --

EB: hey, yeah i'm here!

EB: and not dead i think.

TT: I know.

TT: I've been watching you scramble through the house like a lunatic.

TT: You should have answered me sooner.

EB: oh man, sorry, i was looking around for my dad and i can't find him anywhere!

EB: have you seen him?

TT: No. I'm sure he'll turn up.

TT: We have more important things to address right now.

EB: yeah, like where am i??

TT: I don't know that either. But I've determined your neighborhood was destroyed by the meteor. Wherever you were transported, it saved you from the impact.

TT: I've been reading reports in the news. Over the last few days, there have been many smaller meteor collisions with people's homes around the world.

TT: And they seem to be getting bigger. Yours was the biggest they've identified so far.

EB: wow, ok.

EB: i'm assuming that this is all a part of some weird simulation or something that the game is putting us in.

EB: i'm starting to think that my dad is back in my real home.

EB: so, do i just win the game to go back? or what?

TT: That is highly improbable.

TT: I looked in the telescope of my observation deck, which is the very room that I'm communicating with you in.

TT: There are meteoroids falling on Earth.

EB: heh heh, don't be silly!

EB: must be your sarcasm just trying to amuse me!

EB: no, but seriously, no time for jokes. i am in a weird dark place and this is some pretty high tech shit that we're dealing with.

EB: have you figured out a way for us to win the game while you saw me flail around or whatever you think i did?

TT: I was being dead serious, John.

TT: Your father has entered the game with you.

TT: The purpose of this game remains to be seen. The widely-known description of this game was vague at best. It said nothing about punch cards, alchemiters; hell, the end of the world itself.

EB: i'm sure that if it really brought about the end of the world, they would have said so.

EB: right?

TT: If I had to guess, they were withholding information on purpose.

TT: The endgame of the enigmatic company who produced this 'game' is dubious at best, and maniacal at worst.

TT: They clearly have tools that we don't know about. That were covered up.

EB: hogwash! even sassacre wouldn't laugh at this nonsense!

TT: I'm sure Mark Twain wouldn't laugh at the fact that this is serious business, too.

EB: ok now i'm confused, what does old man sass have to do with mark twain?

TT: They are the same person.

EB: now i know you're messing with me. lol. ha ha. very funny.

EB: i'm sure tg would be laughing his ass off at your trolling, for lack of a better term.

EG: not to compare you to those crapholes, but you get what i mean.

TT: No offense taken.

TT: Go ahead and keep telling yourself that this is a 'simulation' all you want.

TT: I suppose that the meteoroids I saw are just part of the 'game', even though I have not been a part of a client session yet.

TT: Because, you know, that sounds more probable than this being for real.

EB: so then i guess if this is all the game's doing, then the point is for us to save the world?

TT: Perhaps.

EB: then we'd better get moving and figure this game out!!!

TT: Yes, but wait.

TT: We should retrieve your PDA. Yet again.

TT: It will help to keep tabs on each other while you investigate.

TT: I think I can get you closer to it, if I can replenish our grist supply somewhat.

TT: There may be a way to recycle some that we already used.

EB: ok.

TT: I'll meet you out on the balcony.

EB: wait, rose! one thing...

TT: What?

EB: you never even wished me a happy birthday!

EB: um... hello?

TT: I was working on something to send you, but I was running late with it.

TT: I didn't want you to think I believed meager well wishes alone would suffice for the occasion.

TT: That said, happy birthday, John.

EB: haha, oh jeez, that is silly!

EB: anyway, thanks!

> FIRST, TAKE THE FABRIC ITEM ON THE FLOOR THERE. (01263)

The TOWEL? Why?

Oh well, you're the boss. You captchalogue the TOWEL. What now?

> DO AS THE PURPLE TEXT SAYS. TO THE BALCONY. (01264)

John makes his way to the balcony per your awkwardly-worded request.

> WAIT. TAKE THAT. THE BLUE WOBBLY THING. (01265)

You whimsically decide to captchalogue the TOTEM which was used to create the APPLE TREE earlier.

> JOHN. RECYCLE THE GRIST AS WAS DICTATED BY YOUR COHORT. (01266)

John cannot do anything with the GRIST as of this moment! That is up to the Sburb player.

> I SEE. ==> (01267)

Yes, that will suffice.

Rose deletes the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS. 6 units of BUILD GRIST are restored to your GRIST CACHE.

Rose expends the GRIST to drag a new plank from the balcony in the direction of the PDA.

> JOHN RUN ACROSS PRECARIOUS PLATFORM SWIFTLY. (01268)

John isn't sure about that. It's a long way down.

> BOY I SAID MAKE HASTE ON THE NARROW CATWALK! (01269)

John is very nervous about the idea, and the strident tone of your commands is starting to make him a little upset!

> FINE. PROCEED AS YOUR LEVEL OF COMFORT DICTATES. (01270)

You cautiously walk within range of the PDA. Rose retrieves it.

> NOW TAKE IT. (01271)

You grab the PDA, launching one of the HARLEQUIN FIGURINES into the night.

You can kiss that one goodbye.

> ==>==> (01272)

Just one ==> command will suffice. Thanks.

You look at the SERIOUS BUSINESS application out of curiosity.

It looks like you're not the only one trying to locate your father after the disaster.

"wellPressedAttire - ??:??

Submitting inquiry of concern over cataclysmic event. pipefan413 reply.

grayslacks66 - ??:??

@pipefan413: status of health/wardrobe?

fedorafreak - ??:??

neighboring house struck by flaming projectile. in light of fire hazard, evacuating house of all expensive garments.

officeurchin1280 - ??:??

gl fedorafreak. salvage as many hats as is practical.

wellPressedAttire - ??:??

fedorafreak, you are in our thoughts, along with pipefan413 and his enviable collection of pipes.

fedorafreak - ??:??

ty all. report: most hats removed from danger. ties next."

Holy shit, this game is doing a really good job at the immersion! It almost makes you excited to be up to the task of actually winning the game, however you're supposed to do it. Whoever designed this game seems to favor people discovering for themselves over just outright telling you information you can easily discover on your own. Not always a bad concept, you reckon.

…Actually, in shorthand retrospect, it's not exactly 'excitement' as much as it is 'mildly disconcerting'. That strange voice is not helping matters.

> THESE BORING MEN ARE UNINTERESTING. (01273)

You suppose he's right. You both like and hate this voice. It knows how to tell the truth in times where it's of the utmost importance, yet it sounds incredibly annoying in others.

You open up Pesterchum to talk to Rose.