Hank Chinaski

**Hank Chinaski** is a Farm Games Hall of Fame centreman that played from 1974 until 1993. He currently holds the record for most assists in Farm Games history, at 1,016. He is considered to be one of the greatest Farm Games players of all time, and is well regarded as the power forward of his generation. He played for the Newmarket Roadrunners, St. John's Mariners, Cleveland Red Roosters and Halifax Walrus.

Chinaski has won the Denley Cup four times, and has played in the Denley Cup Finals seven times. The Red Roosters of the 1980's that he captained are often cited as the greatest Farm Games team of all time, sporting seven Hall of Fame players besides himself (Patrick Jarvis, Dean Resler, Dominic Desjardins, Richard Mansfield, Doodas Chenlin, Durney Konpecki and Jonce Cleaver).

He currently serves as the Head Coach of the Cleveland Red Roosters. His two sons, Ivan Chinaski and Leo Chinaski, are currently players. Both have won a Denley Cup, and have feasted upon the stew. He is the half-brother of Lamont Boisenfeu, uncle to Patrice Boisenfeu and Martin Boisenfeu, and great uncle to Richard Boisenfeu.

Chinaski is widely known for being a virulent alcoholic, and is addicted to pain killers.

## Biography

### Early Life

Born in 1956 to Donna and Peter Chinaski in Mississauga, Ontario, Hank Chinaski was the youngest of three children. His two older sisters, Roberta and Bonnie, five and six years his elder respectively, treated him with disdain and would pour water on his head while he was sleeping and kick his shins and on a few occasions set him ablaze. His father Peter was a miserable cretin with anger and piss issues, and would smoke large cigarettes and drink exotic liquors with things like baby eels and leeches in them, sometimes with algae. His mother was a bitch. Young Hank would escape the tumult of his home by retreating to the ice fields, where he would play hockey with woodland creatures all the live long day. He later joined a pissy league team, some bullshit Willowdale group, where he grew the strongest of all the shit kids. Throughout the 60's he idolized Farm Games players like Brown Simpson, Bobby Chenlin and Carmine Falcone, and strove to be hard and sigma just like them.

### Career

In 1973, at age 17, Chinaski attended a Reaping in Etobicoke, Ontario, where he was reaped and brought to Farm Games HQ in order to be assesed for the draft. He was entered into the 1974 Farm Games Draft, and was selected 4th overall by the Newmarket Roadrunners. He started play that season, and scored 6 goals and 12 assists for 18 points in 44 games. He spent his time in and out of the lineup during the 1974 campaign, and due to an early end because of missing the playoffs, he did not get a chance to show himself in the most horny state. Early in the 1975 campaign, Chinaski established himself as a decent grip and grope type center, scoring himself a steady spot on the Roadrunners 3rd line. Newmarket managed to make the playoffs that year, but was defeated in the second round by the reigning Denley Cup champion St. John's Mariners in six games.

As the 1976 campaign began, Chinaski got off to a slow start, with only 2 goals and 4 assists in 34 games, and a -8 while on the ice. General Manager Splunge Dastard, desperate to make sure his team could go on a deep run this campaign, traded Chinaski along with defenseman Stool Colber to the Mariners for winger Zilos Mascerrati and centreman Pink Rash midway through the campaign. Upon arriving in St. John's, Chinaski began picking up the pace and managed to score 10 goals and 28 points in the remaining 42 games. The Mariners made a run for the Denley Cup later that year, making it to the finals where they were defeated by the Portland Patriots in six games. Chinaski scored 3 goals and had 6 assists for 9 points in the playoffs that year, including the series winning overtime goal in game seven of the second round series against the Hamilton Hounds.

Over the next two seasons in St. John's, Chinaski would begin to play a much more rapacious style, focusing more on the "hockey" side of the Farm Games trifecta. He gained several muscles during this time and began turning guys into sacks of mush at center ice with gargantuan cum-filled hits, and blistering their skulls with ferocious fists and teeth. During this time he was labeled as a bastard type player by much of the Farm Games media, and was considered not much more than a boneheaded penile retard who got lucky. Many sung his praises however, as he played his role well and still produced offensively. Coach Booker Mansfield said in 1978, that Chinaski "brought the money juice" and was a "good milky throbbing cock" for the team. In 1977, the Mariners returned to the finals for the second year in a row, this time facing their eternal rivals in the Calgary Jailbirds. It was here that Chinaski rekindled his rivalry with his older half-brother and Farm Games veteran Lamont Boisenfeu, as the two would fight four times throughout the seven game series. Chinaski scored 4 goals and 8 assists for 12 points in that post-season, and would follow up in the 1978 playoffs with 6 goals and 16 points in 18 post-season games. The 1979 campaign saw a slight downturn in Chinaski's point totals, dropping from 48 points the previous year to 23 points in 1979. While the Mariners made it to the finals once again, and Chinaski scored 5 goals and 6 assists for 11 points, the group fell short in seven games against the Houston Giants.

During the 1979 off-season, Mariners General Manager Coates Stanley made a surprising yet bold move, trading Chinaski to the Cleveland Red Roosters in exchange for defenseman Bronk Carlisle, forward Jud Lobntahl and young up-and-cummer Gusto Simian. At the time, the trade was seen as a steal for the Mariners as Carlisle was a highly touted defenseman (a position the Mariners had trouble with ever since the departure of Slip Barnyard), and Gusto Simian was one of the most promising young Farm forwards in the league and would become the teams highest scorer in the early 80's. However, none of these three players traded for Chinaski would do for St. John's what Hank did for Cleveland.

In Cleveland, Chinaski was paired with wingers Richard Mansfield and Elbows LaFontaine on the 1st line. The line had unprecedented success, and both Chinaski and Mansfield would go on to have career seasons in 1980, with Chinaski scoring 27 goals and netting 67 points while Mansfield scored 38 goals and 61 points. The Roosters made the playoffs, but both Mansfield and Chinaski failed to produce, only scoring 5 points between the two of them as the team fell in a five game loss to the Albany Rattlers during the first round. The Chinaski-Fontaine-Mansfield Line remained for the 1981 campaign, but was largely overshadowed by the growing success of the 2nd line, comprised of Doodas Chenlin, Patrick Jarvis and Durney Konpecki, when Doodas Chenlin scored 45 goals and 38 assists for 83 points. Despite a great campaign, the Roosters fell in the first round again, this time at the hands of the Newmarket Roadrunners in six games. During the off-season, Chinaski was officially named the captain of the Red Roosters.

The following season, after the team acquired Dean Resler thanks to collusion within the Junior Farm Games, LaFontaine was moved down to the third line and replaced with Resler. The Resler-Chinaski-Mansfield line combined for 150 points that campaign, with Chinaski scoring 75 of those points. The Roosters went into the post-season with the best top two lines in the Farm Games, and were heavily favoured to win the J. Valeska Conference. The team came face to face with the very same Newmarket Roadrunners who defeated them the year before, and after a grueling seven game series, Chinaski scored the game winning goal of overtime and sent the Roosters into the second round for the first time since Chinaski's tenure began. In the conference semi-finals, the Roosters were faced with their blue rivals, the Halifax Walrus. After going down in the series 3-1, Chinaski took the team on his back, mercilessly finger-blasting the Walrus net, scoring two goals en route to a 3rd period comeback in game 5. Durney Konpecki would score the game tying goal to send the game to overtime, with Chinaski and Resler combining for the OT game winner. The Roosters went on to dominate in game six, winning the game 5-2, with Chinaski scoring 2 points, including on the game winning goal scored by Richard Mansfield. This event was considered the catalyst for the 1982 Cleveland Crime Wave. The series would return to Cleveland for game seven, where the Roosters would lead 4-2 heading into the 3rd period. After blowing the lead halfway through the period, Menace Lamsardchuk scored with 2 minutes left in regulation, giving the Walrus a 5-4 lead. The Roosters were unable to tie it, losing game seven and the series. That night and for the following weeks, Cleveland was ravaged by riots and attacks, in what would be known as the most devastating portion of the 1982 Cleveland Crime Wave that would last all the way until the following year. Many members of the Roosters participated in these riots themselves, and got in bare knuckle brawls with several fans. Chinaski was among these, and was going to be charged with felony property damage for lighting a clothing store on fire, but got off on all charges because of being Farm Games, as did the other players who participated. Chinaski defended his own as well as his fellow players' actions, stating that they "have a right to participate in riots too".