Mike & Harky's Milky Crusade

Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time - Destroy!

Batman (1966 TV Series) - Intro Theme

Wario Land 4 - 40° Below Freezing

Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time - Serious Trouble

Super Mario RPG - Fight Against a Somewhat Stronger Monster

**Mike & Harky's Milky Crusade** is a YTP collaboration video made and hosted by Nintendom64 and Mighteyes, uploaded on September 30, 2018, (edit). It is the sequel to King & Mick's Bready Adventure, and featured even more people to it, which they are Mighteyes, DrHotelMario, ItsaMeRBY, MeleeMario720, Giltchy S., FlameFireBlast, PizzaPieOverlord, Rad Stink, Chocolate Click, DizzyingKaleidoscope, Jimmy Davis, aGuyThatLovesPooping, Lulu Luvscats, NPCarlsson, NubungiO and Aerodynamic Watermelon.

## Plot

### Nintendom64

The story begins at Lidl Didl once again, at 11:51 PM, when The King pulls into the store with his goblet car thing. Michael is dozing off behind the checkout counter, and The King comes in to wake him up as he wants to buy some milk for his tea. Gwonam happens to be with him and questions why he was dragged along for this errand, but The King has a guard take him away. The King buys the milk and drives off while Michael is just about to return to dozing, but he then remembers the label on the bottle has the expiration date of 23 Sustember, only a couple of minutes away. Michael then rushes off in the Plummobile to stop The King from using the milk. Meanwhile at ~~Ludwig's Castle Hotel~~ Hyrule Castle, The King jumps up to hit a block near his ceiling to get his tea kettle, and Michael makes it in just at 11:59 to warn him that the milk's about to go off. The King questions why this matters and Michael points out that of course The King had to get the Grenadendale Exploding Milk(TM) brand. Just then the clock strikes midnight and the milk bottle starts flashing. To avoid the explosion, Michael and The King rush into the fridge Indiana Jones-style, and through a bunch of other things hitting them afterwards they get sent flying way out into space. A UFO smacks into them, owned by Tarka Daal, an ambassador of the great Vindaloovian Empire. Appalled by the sight of humans, he sounds an alarm which alerts a bunch of other UFOs and a group of Vindaloovian guards, who Tarka orders to "exterminate them all!"

### Mighteyes

The King's idea to get out of this little fiasco is to inflate himself to a massive size and pop the UFO (aka the "Inflata-King!" move). He deflates and sends the two of them floating further out into space, and they land on a planet-sized milk jug. Another UFO shows up to give them a Glutko which pokes a straw through the surface and starts drinking all the milk inside. The King then summons three Dinner Cannons which blasts hamburgers at the milk jug planet. They succeed in getting rid of the Glutko but end up getting blown backwards as well and falling towards another planet.

### DrHotelMario

Mike and Harky land on the planet's surface, directly onto two spear-like rocks, and as a screenshot from the Google Doc of the collab rules shows up we see that they've been killed off. For a few seconds at least, as a robot hand shows up and drags their bodies into a cave. Michael and The King wake up in that cave, realizing that both have been turned into cyborgs with metallic faces and hands. The robot, Robaku (who looks like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit), has reanimated them and demands they they will now be his robot waifus for all eternity. The King says no, and Robaku starts autistic screeching very loudly.

### 256Pi

Robaku's screaming freaks Michael and The King out and they run away. The King conveniently has a rocket booster installed in his arse so they end up flying off that way. Robaku chases after them for a bit but gets hit by a rock and knocked away momentarily. Eventually the two of them land in Alien(c) Train Station, and Michael says they need to find a way to get the cyborg parts off of them. The King notices a button on Michael's shoulder and presses it, turning Michael into a train with his head plastered on the front Thomas The Tank Engine-style. Michael pulls out of the station and runs into an Xenomorph who likes trains. Another train comes in and crashes Michael into a million pieces, which somehow turns him back into his normal self and lands him a few feet from The King. Michael then looks if the same button is somewhere on The King and if he can get him out of the area, but can't find one. Michael then gets an idea, but there's a cutaway of Miles Edgeworth sending Gumshoe, a cop, out. The King now has his robot parts removed but still has the rocket booster in his arse. Robaku then catches up with the two and says he has not sufficiently buttraped them.

### ItsaMeRBY

Robaku then changes his mind about raping them and just decides to kill them instead. A gun comes out of his body, The King and Mick run away and The King is shot in the chest. They barely make it out of the area, with The King passing out from the wound and dreaming of cereal. Michael then thinks this would be a good time to remove the rocket booster from The King's arse, which appears to be gas-powered. \*rimshot\* Some other evil-looking presence sneaks up behind them, but it turns out to be Ainsley Harriott. Ainsley spits out his galactic mercenary ID card, which reveals him to also be a surgeon, and Michael asks him for help. Ainsley begins operating on The King and eventually removes the bullet. The King is saved, but Robaku is following right behind them, so they all have to run away again. They are all cornered at the station's exit, as Robaku has conveniently made dozens upon dozens of clones of the Mike and Harky robots, and they all begin a large-scale NieR: Automata-esque fight.

### Meleemario720

   The fight begins and The King starts beating up loads of robot clones, ripping off one's head and throwing it away to be eaten by Ainsley. Ainsley then pulls out a tomato gun and attacks the clones, blowing a few up, and then does a little arse-shaking. Michael, King and Ainsley walk out of the station with their trousers down (or so it's implied), and in the next room they are attacked by even more clones, so Michael starts up a fight with them in Nier:Automata style. Michael jukes and jives around that room, taking out several hordes of them but then Robaku returns once more for the final battle. As they are attacked by lots of gunfire, they are blown back in slow motion and Ainsley passes Michael his tomato gun, which Michael uses to finish Robaku off and end the fight.

### GlitchyS

The King and Michael do a little dance to celebrate their victory. Ainsley opens the door in the back of the room which appears to be to some closet, and they hear some clanking as something shuffles around. A bomb falls right in front of them and sends them flying once again while Michael remarks this here's just gonna keep on happening and happening. They bounce off a spy ship, which sinks, and fall on some train tracks in a more Earth-looking area as a train starts coming towards them.

### FlameFireBlast

Michael immediately gets off the track, but The King is frozen stiff with fear and doesn't move. Michael then finds a 12-sided die on the ground, the Die of Beetus, and summons Wilford Brimley's face with it. Michael asks Brimley for help, and he agrees to it. As the train slows down in front of The King, a diabetic is summoned in front of The King and upon hitting the train, explodes and once again sends all of them flying out of the area. They land on top of a big flying Mario's Head, which is flying towards a 9/11 joke. The King reminds Michael to use the Die of Beetus to get them out of that predicament, and Brimley summons medicine which creates a portal for them to go through. As they're flying through the portal, a milk jug floats towards them, but like the one that started the video, this is the Exploding variety, and they end up getting transported somewhere else.

### PizzaPieOverlord

They are sent over 9000 light years away to Planet Pingas, a Mars-like planet with lots of floating Robotnik heads, and land on the surface alongside the Mario's Head. The King remarks that he doesn't think they're on Earth anymore and Michael somewhat frustratingly agrees even though they obviously hadn't been on Earth since the first part of the video. The King asks Michael if he's wondering why there's a gigantic floating head, and Michael remarks it's really not the weirdest thing they've come across so far, he's just used to it. Michael then activates the Die of Beetus once more so that they can get off the planet, but Brimley lost all his energy and can't help them anymore, so Michael throws the die away. The King wonders where his milk is, and notices Mario's Head about to drink from a jug right next to him. The King then rushes towards him to stop him.

### Rad Stink

The King falls over and can't stop Mario's Head in time, though Mario's Head doesn't drink the milk, just flies away with it. The King grabs onto one of the flying Robotnik heads to chase after Mario's Head, and just barely manages to grab the milk, but then falls down a few feet directly onto Michael who was trying to fix the Die of Beetus. The die then rolls away and falls off a cliff into a river of magma. The King points out at least he got his milk. Michael still needs to find them a way home, so they follow a large flock of Robotnik heads flying down the canyon so that they can follow the die. They use the heads to get down a lava-fall and go across some other little platforming area but ultimately lose track of the die. The King points out some figure that might have it, following it into some testing lab area, and of course it turns out to be a pair of Cthoogles. Michael tries making a Cthoogle impression to fool them for a bit but this doesn't last long. Realizing the lab has been breached, the Cthoogles hit the lab's self destruct button and exit via elevator (though one momentarily gets its secondary tentacle stuck in the door). Trying to figure out a way to escape, the only solution Michael can think of is to use The King's milk to open the elevator door again. The King is heartbroken at the loss of his milk, but follows him in the elevator anyways, as Michael grabs the Die of Beetus once more. The elevator leads into an escape rocket and they take off.

### ChocolateClick

They fly out of Planet Pingas's orbit and Michael suggests they go back home. The King is in a state of milk mourning so only talks to Michael via LED board on his goblet, so Michael finally agrees to get him some milk, and hits a button on the ship's controls to bring them to the ship's designated landing place, the Cthoogle Planet. They pass by a billboard for the Cthoogle Milk Farm and crash land a few feet from said farm, containing rows upon rows of Cthoogles squirting over buckets and saying "Milk" repeatedly.

### DizzyingKaleidoscope

Michael and The King get off the burning wreckage of the ship, and plan to steal one of the buckets from the farm to pour into a jug thing. The King asks how are they going to get back to Earth, and Michael doesn't really know. The King then asks what will happen if someone notices them, and Michael says they'll cross that bridge when they get to it. They enter the farm, and Michael is just about to grab a bucket when The Farmer Cthoogle shows up to stop them, holding a gun. Michael then quickly has to think of a way to get out of the situation, and tries making Cthoogle noises to try and explain what's going on to the farmer. Unfortunately, not knowing the language at all, Michael accidentally insults the farmer's wife, and they have to run away. The farmer chases after them, and Mike and Harky just end up hitting a brick wall. The farmer corners them, and fires his gun at them, creating a dimensional portal behind them. The farmer berates himself for using the wrong gun.

### Jimmy Davis

Michael and The King are finally transported back on Earth for the first time in 12 sections, though they fall a fair distance first and Michael notes that he can't feel his legs (though The King reminds him that he doesn't have any). After walking a bit, Michael points out a nearby city, which they go out to find some milk in. Unbeknownst to them though, they have been sent to an alternate reality version of Hyrule, in which milk is illegal and punishable by death, as expressed by a nearby billboard. Michael and The King walk around in the city a bit, and Michael gets an idea, but given how well Michael's last idea went, The King just slaps the lightbulb away from his head and says enough of his ideas. The King then comes up with his own plan to just take a bus back to Hyrule (not knowing they technically are there already) after going to a store to buy some milk, but they are overheard by I.M. Meen, who hits the emergency button on them. We then cut into a security room where a camera is monitoring Mike and Harky, with Michael holding up a jug. Some forces set out to apprehend the two.

### aGuyThatLovesPooping

Kravindish and Mario show up to shoot Michael and The King (even though they don't even have any milk yet). They run away, but walk directly into a billboard. Both are shot dead immediately after, and they wake up in hell. Michael wonders how they will get out, and The King notices an exit door, which they run towards. However, they are stopped by Elmo, holding up a stop sign. Michael and The King try to walk past Elmo, but Elmo just hits them with the sign to actually stop them. The King says they need to come up with an idea to get past the guard, and Michael says they need to distract him somehow.

### Lulu Luvscats

   Michael begins their plan to get past the guard by saying it's snowing in here. That makes perfect sense, so The King tells him to come up with a new idea. Michael asks Elmo if he wants an apple, and when that doesn't work, he asks if he wants Michael's fist up his arse. Michael punches Elmo into the air and The King blasts Elmo with his dinner blaster. The two get into the elevator to return them to Earth. After exiting the elevator, they end up in someone's home (and back in their own universe I guess maybe idk lol), and run into the house's owner, who turns out to be [I'm told this is Caddicarus but I'm going to call him Mr. Miluk because that's what I had when I first wrote this article & that's funnier tbh]. Michael asks them where they can find some milk, and after a bit of confusion with Mr. Miluk's pronunciation, Mr. Miluk pours a glass of milk right in front of them and just drinks the entire glass himself. The King gets angry at Mr. Miluk, and Michael tells The King he'll handle this one.

### NPCarlsson

Michael is about to threaten Mr. Miluk but then sees his dog, and Michael is frightened to the point of running away and hiding in a nearby closet. Michael admits to the King that he's got severe cynophobia, and King asks if that means he's afraid of signs. Michael then goes into a flashback explaining his fear of dogs. It was during his fourth birthday party (even though somehow Michael appears to look exactly the same at that young age). He was with his brother, his mum and his dad (who all look exactly identical to him) and Harrybo's Granddad (who doesn't). Michael got a present for a Nintendo Switch which was definitely around when Michael was 4, but he wanted a Wii. And he also got a great big apple pie. But Harrybo's Granddad gave him a much bigger present, the fiercest animal in the world: Gary The Gobhound. Harrybo's Granddad told him Gary's name is Annette but Michael disagreed. That's when Michael's tummy started doing things, and Michael got to the toilet straightaway. Later, while still in the toilet, Michael heard screaming and mad dog stuff going on outside, and ran out to see what happened.

### NubungiO

Gary the Gobhound had transformed into a terrifying creature called Gary The Gay Furry (which iDubbbz approved of). Gary grabbed Michael with his giant paw, and Michael noticed Gary's bulge. (The King is jacking off at this point in the story, but stops when Michael questions it.) As Michael was about to get raped by Gary, an Amish man showed up with a cow and showers Gary with milk, saving him, and ending Michael's story, though Michael notes that he never got to taste the Amish man's milk. This gives Michael an idea of where he can obtain milk, and he then comes out of the closet (not like that). He and The King leave Mr. Miluk's house and get onto the Battle Bus, which Michael takes into Pennsylvania. After pushing Reggie Fils-Aime out of the bus, they land in a farm in Lancaster, and the farmer (who bears a striking resemblance to the guy who made Part 3 of this video) greets them, introducing himself as Honus Benuel Stolzfus and asking if they'd be interested in some farm-fresh milk. Michael asks how fresh precisely, which Honus confirms by drinking sloppily, and lets them know that he has like 50 barrels of milk over on his farm, taking them there on his buggy. Michael tastes some milk and confirms its freshness, but notes he forgot his wallet, so Honus tells them they'll need to pay another way.

### Aerodynamic Watermelon

The medium in which the two will be paying Honus appears to be a cooking challenge. The King chops up some vegetables, and Michael takes out some bread and cooks some bacon. They eventually give Honus a McDonald's breakfast sandwich on top of a bed of diced carrots. Honus approves of their meal, and the two are given the milk barrel in return. Michael and The King ride the barrel for a while, but The King reminds them that he has that MSPaint cannon and fires them home. They finally land in London, and Michael notes that it must be the end of their adventure, only for the milk barrel to be stolen by a cyborg cow, which shoots at them and flies away.

### Mighteyes

The King and Mick get flung into the nearby Lidl Didl store (not the same one Michael works at), but The King has an idea, and fills up a shopping cart with loads of Exploding Milk. The King uses the milk to fling the cart up into the sky and get the milk barrel back from the cyborg cow, and attaches two MS Paint cannons to the cart to shoot more exploding milk at it. After some firing back and forth, the cow is defeated and throws the milk barrel back up at them. However, instead of catching the barrel, it knocks Michael out of the sky, and The King has to shoot himself at Michael to save him. Unfortunately, The King's aim is just a little bit off, and the two land in a nearby forest, with Michael fatally injured. After a sappy death scene showing The King burying his fallen friend and marking his gravestone with "Rest In Peas", Michael finds the pun so cringeworthy that he comes back to life solely to berate The King, who seemed to think this was somehow a fitting send-off for a poet. The King finally invites Michael over for tea and they both have a cup together. The King at the very end admits he doesn't actually like tea, and the credits roll.

## Entrants

* 256PiAlternate
* Aerodynamic Watermelon
* aGuyThatLovesPooping
* ChocolateClick
* DizzyingKaleidoscope
* DrHotelMario
* FlameFireBlast
* GlitchyS
* Jimmy Davis
* Meleemario720
* Mighteyes [co-host]
* Nintendom64 [host]
* NPCarlsson
* NubungiO
* PizzaPieOverlord
* Rad Stink

## Transcript

### Nimtendom64

**Michael Rosen & King Harkinian:** Disclaimer.
**Michael Rosen:** Despite the linear story, this is still a collab.
**King Harkinian:** We therefore advise you watch in multiple settings if necessary.
**Michael Rosen:** That's right, Kingybo, yeah, no, no, y'can, yeah...
[Intro, (Explosion lel)]
[*Lidl Didl - 11:51pm*]

**King Harkinian:** Whee!
Michael: (Doze) (Doze) (Doze) (Doze) (Doze)...

King: HEY!

(Loud crash which inexplicably includes the sounds of cats, sheep and elephants)

What d'ya want?

I'm going to need this milk for the cup of tea I strive for.

King's Thoughts: You must drink our tea!

Why exactly do you need my help to make a stupid cup of tea at freaking midnight?!

Take him away!

Your majesty, there are no guards here!

Fari: Yes, my liege!

King: Oah hoh ha hah ha ha ha ha!

Can you just take your flipping rat's milk and go now?

Sure!

I'm okay!

Ow.

Ahhhhhh...

(This milk...)

(This milk...)

(Thiiiiiisssss mmmmiiiiiiiiiillllllllllk.........)

(Gasp)!

Uh-oh!

Ahhhh! (Ahhhhhh...) (Ahhhhhhhh...) (Ahhhhhhhh...)

That orange prat can sue the SeeS outta me!

To the Plummobile!

(60s Batman transition)

Herecomeslongbottomwiththelongbottomandherecomesshortybum...

Wizenheimer: Watch where you're going, ya egghead!

Hoh ho ha hah hoh ha hoah!

Oui!

Hhhhhoooooaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

Oooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

Flllwpt!

Scrub, scrub...

Mmmmh?

Quick, get outta here!

That milk's about to go off!

So what?

So this!

Look at the label...

Hmmm...

HOAH!

(Clock strikes)

(Indescribable panic)

Quick, in the fridge.

King: Innthuhfrijj!

(Bomb counting down)

(Explosion)

I'm back!

Michael: Does any of this shit even surprise you anymore?

King: Not really.

(SMACK)

I am Tarka Daal.

Humans?!

(Spit)!

(Alarm sounds)

Exterminate them all!

### Mighteyes

King: Help me, help me, help me!

Oaaaaoah!

(Smash)

Bloimey!

(King deflating himself, just like a balloon)

Ahhh!

Look, it's a planet-sized milk jug!

Howwah, howwah, howwah!

I'm ssssimply faaaaamishhhhhed!

(Drinking noises)

He's going to steal all the miulk!

(Indecipherable incantations)

Hoah!

(Explosion)

Michael: Oh no! Feeling bad, feeling worse than bad...

### DrHotelMario

Aaaaaaauuuuwwwwww...

(Splat)

Hah!

(Mechanical whirring)

What the fuck happened to me?!

Ahh! I became a bloody cyborg!

Michael: Wake up, wake up!

King: Oah!

(Glass breaking)

Michael: Sorry, yeah, sorry...

???: Euuuuuhhhhh...?

King: Mmmmmh...?

Uh, no!

### 256Pi

(Robotic panicked yells)

King: Hoah!

(Smack)

(Smack)

Michael: You don't say!

Right, we need to find out a way to get outta this robut stahff!

Hmmmm...

King: I wonder, what's this button here?

Michael: What?

(Beep)

Ahhhahhhahhhahhh!

King: What the hell?!

Michael: I dunno!

Xenomorph: I like trains!

Michael: Wha-

Shipt...

Ahhh! (Smack)

Umm, okay...

Not sure how that worked, but now we need to do you.

King: Yes!

Mmmh?

Hmmm?

I can't find any button.

Hmmmmhhmmm...

I know!

You are a cop. And you are out.

Wonderful!

I still have this rocket booster in my ass.

**Robaku:** [subtitled] We're not done! I have not sufficiently buttraped you!
### ItsaMeRBY

Michael: Yeah, yeah, I bet ya can't!

(Mechanical beeps)

Michael: What?

King: What?

(Gun cocking)

TARGET ACQUIRED

Quick, vacate the premises!

(Ray gun blast)

Oi, King, whaddaya doing?

King: Cereal...

Are you okay?

King: Cereal...

Ummm...

Whaddamagunnado?!

Of course!

Ha!

Fiddle riddle diddle diddle, fiddle-

Eww!

Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee...

Isn't that lovely? Heeheeheeheh.

Phew!

Hi Ainsley.

Please, just don't.

Oh, sorry...

Michael: "Black Bauer."

M m m m m m m m m m m . . .

Can you help my friend?

Heh, yeah boi!

Ainsley: Take our knife, make a small incision there...

I can't watch!

Ainsley: Yes indeed, hohohohoh... really get into those cuts... right down... to the bone.

BLEAURGHHH!

Ainsley: Get yer finger in there, 'n' really make sure ya get that out...

Yes! He scored again!

Yyyyeeeeeeesssssssss!

Heheh, yeah boi!

You've saved me!

King: Hoah!

Michael: We all got up, and ran out the door...

Little bit... spicy...

Ya can't run very fast!

I wonder what's for dinner...

Look, there's the door...

Oh no...

King: What?

Harkiniandroids: How can we help?

Michael: Look, right, that's it!

King: Time to kick ass!

Ainsley: Oh, I'm so good!

### Meleemario720

(Explosion)

(Footsteps)

Attack me!

Metal Rosen: Please, please, I beg you, get away!

You piece of weak shipt!

(CRUNCH)

Spicy...

Come and get your fruity tomato!

Metal Rosens: Keel over and die!

(Whistling)

Yeah boi!

(Gun cocking)

Harkiniandroids: This peace is what all...

(Explosions)

We're walking in with our trousers down, with our trousers down, with our trousers down...

We're walking in with our trousers down, oh yeah!

Harkiniandroid: Attack the evil forced of Rosen!

Harkiniandroid: Wheeenehwa!

Metal Rosen: You're going down, sucker!

Oww!

Harkiniandroid: Ha ha ha ha ha ha...

HOAHOAH OAH!

Metal Rosen: Kuhbumm!

Harkiniandroid: How can we help?

Metal Rosen: Ha!

Harkiniandroid: I'm under attack!

HOAH!

Metal Rosen: Snatch!

Harkiniandroid: I'll take the...

OAH OAH OAH!

Metal Rosen: Auuuuwwwhhh!

Metal Rosen: Here's a second thing... keel over and die!

Oww!

Harkiniandroid: Enough, my ship sails in the...

Metal Rosen: Plums, plums, plums, plums!

Harkiniandroid: What's for dinner?

Metal Rosen: Die!

Harkiniandroid: Protect me.

Metal Rosen: Oww!

Harkiniandroid: Save me!

We can talk about mercy!

HOAH! OAH! OAH!

Robaku: Uh-oh...!

### GlitchyS

(Hatch opening)

Heh, yeah boi!

Michael: Umm, I... huh, the door.

Mmmmmh?

(Rustling)

Hoah!

Err, did ya hear that?

(More rustling)

Qui-

(Explosion)

This here's just gonna keep happening and happening.

King: Hoah ship!

(Distant "nooooooo...")

(Crunch)

Michael: Are we nearly theeeeeere?

Oh no!

Whoosh!

Oah!

Quick, get off the track!

Save me!

What's this?

Hoah ship, I'm going to fucking die!

Magick!

???: Good morning.

I'm Wilford Brimley.

Help.

Wilford: Uhh, I guess.

Oahoahhoahoahhoahwhoahoahhooah!

Wilford: Diabetic.

(Explosion)

If we go flying once more, I shall...

Ahhh!

What the fuck is going oahn?!

I can't get a moment's peace 'round here...

Every time you say that, all peace is lost.

Whaddamahgunnado?!

Use that thing!

Of course, the Die of Beetus!

Wilford: Medicine!

Okay, we got the ne-

Enough!

Look!

Michael: Milk!

King: Yes!

(Explosion)

Plpft.

(Screaming)

(Thud)

I don't think we're on Earth anymore.

(Pingas, pingas, pingas...)

Yeah... that's right...

(Pingas, pingas, pingas...)

Aren't you wondering why there is a gigantic floating head?

Look, out of all the things we have been through, I'm pretty used to it by now.

Let's just go, shall we?

Magick!

Good morning.

Take us home, please.

I, uhh, I can't.

Why?!

I lost all my energy.

Do the best ya can with what ya got, and... have a good day.

Whadda piece of crap!

Pyew!

(My leg!)

I wonder where my milk is...

Oah!

Oh boy, something to drinky!

Hoah!

Whoahwhoahwhoahwhoahwhoah...

Aaaaaaaah...

Hhhhoooooaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

(Thud)

Vyyyyyyyyyyyyywm!

Shit!

(Pingas, pingas, pingas...)

Mhhh?

Pingas Head: Pingas...

Oah!

Pingas Head: Pingaspingaspingasipingaspingaspingaspingas...

Vyyyyyywwwwwwmmmmmmmm...

Yay!

Ho...

Fiddle diddle...

(Beep)

Riddle diddle...

(Beep, beep beep)

...oaaaaaahhhhoooooaaaaaahhhhh...

(Smack)

Hang on...

Ohh shet!

No!

Hey, at least I got my milk.

Yeah, great!

...spingaspingaspingaspingaspingas...

Mmmmmm!

King: (What?)

...NGASPINGASPINGASPINGASPINGASPINGASPINGASPINGASPIN...

I fell for hours!

Jump!

Plwwwpt!

Bumm!

Where's the gadget?

Hm, maybe that guy has it...

Let me handle this!

Michael: Umm...

Hhhhchwhh!

Hello!

Klwwwwwhhh!

Uhheh, I mean \*click\*

Uhh...

Fllwwwpt!

Mmmmmh?

Oh no...

(Explosion)

(Screaming and explosions)

Fiddleriddlediddlediddle...

(Buzzing noise)

Shit!

Wyyyyyyyppp!

Slam!

My milk...

Michael: Mmm!

You press the silver button, the machine starts roaring, and...

(Whoosh)

(Pingas!)

Let's go back home, okay, yeah?!

(Bonk)

Why don't you talk to me?

Right, you know what? Let's get your fucking milk!

(Engines powering up)

Oah!

Right!

The milk farm is only a few hundred metres away.

What we're gonna do is take one of those little buckets and pour the milk into this jug thing.

...gning... gning... gning...

Oah-kay, but how do we get back to Earth?

Umm... that's a very good question, and the answer is I don't really know.

(Nervous laughter)

And what if someone notices us? How can we talk our way out of trouble?

Uhh... umm...

We'll cross that bridge when we get there. Let's just go and get your fuckin' milk.

Now, let's just take a bucket and pour in the milk...

Oah!

(Gun cocking)

Flwwwwwpt!

Hey, Mikey, what did you say about "crossing that bridge?"

Ohh, err... uhhh... umm...

(Cahm on Michael, think! What can you do to get out of this stupid mess?)

(Ding!)

Here gooooooes...

What?

Huh?

(Gun cocking)

Flwwwpt!

Oh, my ship!

Yeah... mine too!

### Jimmy Davis; Hark and Mike's Interdimensional Milk Hunt

(Screaming)

Bumm! Bumm! Bumm!

Who in the name of Harrybo's dead grandad builds a wall in the middle of nowhere?!

(Gun cocking)

(Boom)

Oooooaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh...

Ahhhhhhhhh...

(Screaming)

(Thud)

Michael: Oww!

Ahhhh, I can't feel my legs!

King: You don't have any legs.

I don't?

Never mind.

Hmm, something about this place feels a bit odd, don't you think?

Uhhh, what is it Michael?

Lookathat!

King: Hoah, hoh ha ha! It's a city!

Michael: Heheh, looks like we made it back to Earth again.

King: Hmm...

Funny, of all the things that the portal might have done to us, I wonder why it just sent us back home...

Michael: Yeah, it's funny, isn't it?

King: Mmmm...

Hey! Wanna check out my dick? It won't hurt...

... terrible!

Suck my cahck!

Lamp oil, rope oil, bomb oil, you want it? It's yours, my oil...

Okay, Mike, we can stop here for a minute to think about what to do next.

Right, okay...

Umm...

(Ding) Mmmmmmmmmmm!

OAH!

(Smack)

(Smash)

That hurt my feelings, you little dickhead!

Enough of your stupid ideas.

This isn't fair!

Well, tough shit, Mikey, my boy!

Great, really great!

I don't suppose you've got any plans, anyway.

Haaauughhhh! Let's just try to find a bus back to Hyrule!

Right.

But first, we might as well try finding a store, so I can buy some...

Whut?!

Michael: Wonderful. Could ya get chocolate milk?

No, Mike.

Oh, err... could ya get strawberry milk?

Haauugh! No! I'm just going to buy some normal milk!

Michael: That's a shame...

Holy shit!

You won't get away... not for long! Ah-ha-ha...

(Siren blaring)

(Beep)

Look, one of them has a jug thing!

Oh, the humanity...

C'mon, people, we gotta hurry!

I wonder where we can find some milk...

Fat Mario: Hey, you!

Oah!

This is illegal, you know.

Can you read the rest?

We gotta get rid of 'em!

Oooooaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh...

Quick, get out of here!

Ooooooooaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Smack)

Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Gunshot)

Ahhhhhhhhhh...

(Gunshot)

Fat Mario: That oughta do it!

Shit.

We have to get outta here!

Mike, we are in Hell. How the fuck would we get out?

I dunno!

Hmm...

Oah, yes!

Stop!

Who the hell are you?!

Stop!

(Smack)

Are you okay?

Stop!

How can we get past the guard?

We have to distract him somehow...

Hmm... I might have an idea.

Right, this is like a conversation with a two year-old.

Hey!

It's snowing in here!

Boi, you call that a distraction?!

Actually, umm... that wasn't very smart.

Let me try that again...

Hi.

(Bones cracking)

D'ya want an apple?

Stop!

Uhh, actually... umm...

D'ya want my fist up your arse?!

Nani?!

Ha!

(Exposion)

Oah hoh hoh ho ho ha hah...

Where the fuck did you get that thing?

That's not important.

Let's go!

Right!

Where are we now?

Hmm... I don't knahw.

Let's have a look around. Maybe we can finally find some milk.

(Hanna-Barbera running.mp3)

Who the bloody hell are you people?!

(Chuckle) That man has a fucking bum for a face!

HEY!

Hello, fellow British guy!

D'you know where we could get some milk?

Miluk?

Sorry, uhh... what did you say?

Miluk!

What?!

Can you not understand me?

Good for yer bones! Calcium, isn't it?

Right! D'you know where we could get some "miluk."

Ahh.

(BURP)

Excuse me.

What the hell, dude?! You just drank the whole thing!

Let me handle this one, King...

Right! You better fork up that "miluk" or I'm going to start...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...!

Okay...

Michael?

Michael: I'm in here.

I thought you were handling the situation. It looked like you couldn't even handle yourself.

Yeah, sorry.

The only trouble is... I've got severe cynophobia.

What?

You're scared of signs?

(Ba-dumm \*chhhh\*)

Michael: Ha! No!

I'm scared of dogs.

(Slap)

It all started 68 years ago...

Crowd: Happy birthdaaaaaay!

Michael: (Narrating) I was 4 years old.

It was my birthday.

And everyone was there...

My mum...

My dad...

Me, and my brother.

And Harrybo's grandad.

Why am I here?

My mum gave me a present.

What's in it?

A Nintendo Switch!

* Switch\* nice.

But I wanted a Wii...

And then my brother gives me a great big apple pie.

Finger in, lick it...

* Tahtahtahtah\* wonderful!

But Harrybo's grandad...

There you go, Michael.

Harrybo's grandad, what does he give me?

The fiercest animal in the world...

Woof!

Her name's Annette, by the way.

Oh no, it's Gary!

(Stomach growling)

That's when my tummy starts doing things...

I think y'know whadda mean.

Whoah! Hahahahah! Yyyeeeeesssssss!

And straight away, I got to the toilet, in a flash!

Away from all the mad dog stahff!

Hm...

Then I hear some people shouting away, like mad.

There was an awful yelling and crying, there was the noise of mad dog stahff!

I rushed out of the toilet faster than a hamburger...

AND THERE IT IS!

Gary the Gobhound had turned into a terrifying creature, called...

I like this. This is cute.

He snatched me with his big furry paw.

Oh naugh, this is horribllllle!

It was then I noticed the bulge.

(Masturbating)

What're y'doing?

(Zip)

Nothing. Carry on.

Anyway...

Right as I was about to get raped by a big dog, an Amish man turned up with a cow.

(Cow cocking)

And he started squeezing the udders really hard and fast.

And the milk went \*flllwwppppt\* all over Gary, and I was saved.

Yes!

Mind you, I never got to taste that Amish man's milk...

(Smack)

Thanks a lot, byyyye!

Oh!

Quick, get on the bus.

Whee!

Where we dropping, Michael?

Michael: Pennsylvania.

King: Oah!

I can't wait to drop off the Battle Bus...

Pywww!

Heehheeheeh...

Right, this is our stop.

Flwwwpt!

Wait for me!

Oah...

(Crunch)

(CRUNCH)

Right, let's go find someone who sells milk, okay, yeah?

???: Howdy, fellas!

Name's Honus.

Y'all look mighty thirsty.

You be interested in some farm fresh...

MMMIIILLLKKK?

(Pennsylvanian masturbating)

Just how fresh is it?

What, this right here? Well, I tell ya, this is about as fresh as you can get.

Not even pasteurised. Right from the udder!

(Orgasmic moaning)

* Clich\* fantahstikk!

Errr... how much for that one there?

Ohhh, this one right here? Trust me, you don't want this right here, you wanna go to my farm; I got about 50 jugs fulla this stuff jus' lyin' 'round!

Okay, yeah, okay!

Alright, here we are, fellas. Grab as much as you like!

Finger in, lick it...

* Tah\* tastes good.

Wait.

Oh nooooooo, I forgot my wallet!

Oh, is that so?

Well, I bet you're just gonna have to pay a... different kinda way.

Oah!

Check on the bacon.

Yes, oah-kay!

(Chewing)

Delicious!

Well, looks like that's about it.

Can we have our milk now?

Mmmmh?

We did it, Harky, we actually fuckin' did it! And everything was wonderful!

Oah hoh ho ha hoah!

Let's see if this baby gets us all the way home...

We don't need it!

What?!

HHOOOAAAAAAHHHH!

King: I forgot about the cannon.

Michael: Shhh!

(Crash)

Well, that looks like it's the end of our adventure, don't you think?

(Ray gun firing)

(Glass shattering)

(Smack)

Are you alright?

That udder-fucker came for the milk!

Oh naugh!

Don't worry, I have an idea...

Michael, help me fill up this shopping cart.

Umm... okay.

Do you take rubees?

Err... umm... umm... err...

Alright, bye.

* clickclickclick\*

(Explosion) Wheeeeeeee!

King: Hmmm... mmmmm...

Over there!

King: Attack!

Michael: Rats!

How did you do that?

Shhhh, don't question it. Keep firing.

URRRGH!

Michael: Yes!

King: Ha ha ha hoh ha ha hoh ho oah ha hoh ha ha ha hoh ho ha ha hoah hoh hoh ha ha!

Hoh, ha

(Ray gun firing repeatedly)

URRGH!

Michael: Ha! Bullseye!

URREUURGH!

So that's what I am, that's what I be, with an M, with an I, with a K, with an E...

...that's what I am, that's what I be, Mr Mike, Mr Michael, Mr Rosen, Mr Me! A hip...

(Smack) Ahhhh!

Miiiiichhhhaaaaeeeeeelllllllll!!!!! Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ssssaaaaavvvvveeeee mmmmeeeeeeee!

Yeaw!

...eeee! (Thud)

Michael?

Michael?

Michael?

HOAH!

Harky... is it... over...?

At long last, old friend. No milk chase lasts forever.

I see... only... darknesssssss... before me...

King: Rest in peace, my friend.

Michael: Are you serious?!

What? Michael? You're alive?!

Yes, but only because of that stupid pun about peace. I refuse to die if I don't get a real funeral.

What do you mean? This is the grave that all true poets strive for!

I don't think you understand what poetry really is.

Whatever, it's tea time!

Great, I'm starving!

No, I literally mean time to drink tea, you wrinkly fish-and-chip-monger!

Oh, of course!

(Slurp) Lahvley!

(Sip)

(Sip)

I don't even like tea.

What?!

(Smack)

## Trivia

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