Episode 2: "Gay for Grandpa"

*This week, the queers go for the jugular and break down THE LOST BOYS![1] Mark shakes his cakes, Michael uses a word when describing Rob Lowe that has everyone shook, Nay lusts after La Croix, and Producer Brennan drops by for a quick and dirty game (emphasis on the dirty)! Be warned: this episode gets NAISTY, so make sure to put earmuffs on any babies and gaybies that may be present. Plus, in Tea Time we sip on I TONYA, TOP OF THE LAKE season 2, CUSTODY, and more![2]*

## **Trivia**

The way to Nay's heart is to complement her tits. (Thanks, Cheyenne Jackson!) Coming from Katharine McPhee's basement panic room this episode. Based on Nay's Shady Summary, Michael is inspired to create a sidequel (Clarke Wolfe™) where we learn about who does the vampires' nails. Michael theorizes it was Queen Latifah's first salon from *Beauty Shop.* Ernie the sound guy gets his first shoutout. (Hi, Ernie!) First collection of fun facts about a movie from Michael in this episode. Nay and Mark agree that Nanook is their "Stud of the Movie" because he's a badass. Michael gives it to Grandpa, because he's so different from any other character in the movie. Michael also introduces the "Hey Girl, No" for the movie. Mark's is that Star is not allowed to have a story or a point of view. "She's an object, basically to be won or sort of around." Michael's "Hey girl, no" is that Dianne Wiest falls for a guy who has nothing.

## **Tea Time**

**Mark:** *Custody*

**Nay:** *I, Tonya*; *American Horror Story: Hotel* rewatch

**Michael:** *Top of the Lake* season 2; finishing up *Pose* season 1

## **Shady Summaries**

(Michael uses "Shady Summaries" for the first time in this episode.)

**Mark:** Because you're too old for *The Goonies* but not downtown enough for *Near Dark*.

**Nay:** Some guys with some really nice nails who are bloodthirsty and they get fucked up by a husky and a grandparent. The end.

**Michael:** Come see some hot guys play around with their blood.

## **Brennan's Games**

*Bloodsuckers* (Brennan reads ten titles and they have to guess whether it's the title of a real vampire-themed pornographic film or one he made up)

1. *Ejacula* (Everyone gets it right; it's real)

2. *Buttcracula* (Everyone gets it right; it's fake)

3. *Count Spermula* (Mark gets it right; it's real)

4. *From Lust Til Dawn* (Mark and Nay get it right; it's real)

5. *30 Lays At Night* (Everyone gets it right; it's fake)

**Nay:** I wish it was a real vampire gangbang.

6. *Transylvania 69000* (Mark gets it right; it's fake)

**Nay:** Mark watches the most porn, so.

7. *Let the Tight One In* (Mark and Nay get it right; it's fake)

8. *Buffy the Vampire Layer* (Mark and Nay get it right; it's real)

9. *Cram Helsing* (Mark and Nay get it right; it's fake)

10. *Twinklight* (Everyone gets it right; it's real)

**Brennan:** Mark's seen that one.

**Mark:** I've seen it on a shelf, all right?

**Brennan:** Your shelf?

**Brennan:** The thing that really upset me when I was researching this was that-

**Michael:** How many times you had to stop and watch the movie?

**Brennan:** No, um, in 2018, the rise of internet porn has really cut down on the number of awesome titles that we get.

**Mark:** My favorite horror-themed porn title I ever heard was a movie called *My Ass is Haunted.*

**Brennan:** Is that the Jenny McCarthy one?

**Mark:** I've only ever seen pictures, but I like the idea of an ass that needs an exorcism.

**Michael:** I thought you were gonna say your favorite was *The Ring* spoof *The Hole*.

**Mark:** *The Hole* is great.

**Brennan:** But the title is so far away from the original that you don't know what it is. It's not a great pun.

**Mark:** But it's a great title.

**Michael:** It's a visual pun on *The Ring*'s circle.

**Mark:** I just like *My Ass is Haunted* because it's dialogue, too. Like it's literally something that clearly someone is going to say to someone, in, like, "Jenny how are you?"

**Michael:** (as Jenny McCarthy) "My ass is haunted." And you totally know they called the person a "sexorcist".

Mark won with ten out of ten. Nay got eight out of ten. Michael got four out of ten.

## **Pride Float**

Does *The Lost Boys* deserve a Pride float in 2018? And if it does, what does that float look like?

**Nay:** I don't know about in 2018, but in 1987 definitely. And the float is Sam in the bathtub.

**Michael:** I think it gets a Pride Float. I \*know\* it gets a Pride Float in 1987.

**Mark:** With Sam singing "Ain't Got a Man".

**Michael:** "Ain't Got a Man" in the bathtub while he's like, mohawking his hair and then maybe there's a follow-up float behind that's like the cave with like a really sexy bed on it.

**Mark:** The only ask I have for the Pride Float is that Dianne Wiest is being chased around it by a dog.

**Michael:** And then there's four shirtless vampires just kind of--

**Mark:** Preening.

**Michael:** (mockingly) "We don't have names! Nyeh!"

**Mark:** (mockingly) "I'm the blond one!"

**Michael:** (mockingly) "And I'm the blond one!"

## **Quotes**

**Nay:** For a long time I thought *The Lost Boys* was *The Goonies*.

**Mark:** If you squint (the vampires) all look like Whitesnake. That's a lot of hair stories going on."

**Michael:** I think 24 Hour Fitness started because of *The Lost Boys*. I mean, when do they work out? They're all ripped.

**Nay:** They're working out when they're killing people. I mean, that looks like a lot of work, y'know?

**Mark:** if you're drinking blood, you're on an extremely low carbohydrate diet.

**Michael:** Another sidequel, the (Chinese food) delivery boy.

**Michael:** Light is my jam right now, with everything that's going on. *Near Dark* is steak and potatoes and *Lost Boys* is the cotton candy that comes after and some people just want cotton candy.

**Michael:** I think there’s a big camp aspect with *The Lost Boys*… there’s a very wink and a nod tongue firmly planted in the cheek aspect to this movie I think.

**Mark:** Vampires are dressed like Duran Duran, I mean.

**Michael:** (Jamie Gertz) looks like every kid in America, even though she’s like, gorgeous.

**Nay:** Even though, unlike every kid in America.

**Mark:** One of the camp elements that I love is that the lost boys, the vampires, live in kind of *Fraggle Rock*. But a Liberace-ish[3] *Fraggle Rock*, with like, antique chandeliers and candelabras.

**Nay:** (after the "Michael" supercut) It's making me rethink how often I say people's names when I'm talking to them. I'm like, maybe that's a lot. Lemme chill.

**Michael** (on an alternative to "surf nazis"): Surf haver-funners.

**Mark:** (on Sam)This is the nicest gay boy in the world.

Michael brings up the topic of Sam's gender nonconformity throughout the movie.

**Nay:** You're like cute boy or hot dyke? I just don't know.

**Mark:** "Cum gutters" never fails to gross me out.

A clip from the (ahem) climax of the movie is played ("It's too late. My blood is in your veins!" "So. Is. Mine!")

**Mark:** That's clearly about anal.

**Nay:** First time bottoming.

**Michael:** S on the D? It's interesting to listen to it just the audio because it literally in a way sounds like a fucking orgasm. And the orgasm is Michael… being victorious.

**Mark:** And penetrating him with the big ol' phallic symbol.

**Michael:** Big ol' piece of wood.

**Michael:** The entire movie I just kept being like (sighs) I wanna find a rib joint in town, get a wetnap and wipe Kiefer's face, because he was just so sweaty and looked like, he looked sick and I don't know if that was a choice or what.

**Nay:** Michael, I really want to make sure you know something right now. You do NOT have to go to a rib joint to get a wet wipe.

**Mark:** Well, you never see ugly vampires.

**Michael:** All the vampires I know are really sexy.

**Nay:** Yeah, obvi.

**Mark:** There should be a movie with busted vampires though. Just to see their struggle.

**Mark:** This is where the movie is, as a queer viewer, a little bit of whiplash. Like you have Sam, who's this adorable positive role model that you're like, "This is a gay boy and he's awesome." At the same time the movie only finds him heroic because he has no sexual component whatsoever. The second the queer sexuality actually becomes in play, as where David is sort of literally trying to seduce Michael with everything he has, like they're literally hanging on to the fucking train tracks and he's like, "Let go, let go Michael." And I was like, "Okay," y'know? And then suddenly it's coded as bad, y'know? As soon as sex enters the picture or even just sort of the promise of it.

**Michael:** Brings in a whole new meaning when you enter sex into it.

**Brennan:** It's so annoying when my gardener doesn't clean out the cum gutters.

**Nay:** I've been called a "cum dumpster" but not a "cum gutter".

**Michael:** I've been called a "cum receptacle". This is a "PG" podcast.

**Michael:** We want to introduce a new segment called Studfinder. And that has nothing to do with the fact that this movie is loaded with studs.

**Nay:** Studs with loads.

**Mark:** Why do you people have semen on the brain?! Jesus….

**Nay:** You don't just ejactulate semen, by the way. I'm just sayin'. I saw a meme this week that was like, I mean, I don't like the word "female whatverwhatever", but the meme said, "Female ejaculation: Is it pee or just like a little squirt of LaCroix?"

**Michael:** It's LaCroix for white girls.

**Mark:** Oh, I hope it's LaCroix.

**Nay:** Me, too. I could save a lot of money, you know?

**Mark:** Never have to recycle anything.

**Nay:** Except myself.

**Mark:** You're gay for grandpa. I like it.

**Michael:** Um, yeah. GG. Gay for grandpa.

**Mark:** I'm here repping the dad quotient.

**Nay:** One thing that strikes me in real life and in basically every movie is the stupid-ass shit you'll do when you're attracted to somebody.

**Mark:** Like drink blood?

**Nay:** You know, you have to go on this killing spree, or avoid a killing spree. It's just a lot. Like, I, literally wouldn't even do a tenth of that. Maybe that's why I'm not seeing anyone.

**Mark:** I object (to Michael saying Max in the movie has nothing). He's tall and has a video store. My seat's wet already.

**Michael:** Oh my God. How inappropriate of you to say something like that on this show!

Mark reached out to Jason Patric for anything he might want to share about the movie for a queer audience. This is roughly what he said: *I remember that Schumacher told me from day one that he was going to make everyone look Fabulous, capital "F" and he wrote all caps fabulous. Which he did, every shot. The movie has incredible style, fashion, music, drips with sex. Vampire films always do at their core. And their hidden dark secrets and sort of like interesting areas of the film that the LGBT community, you know, can relate to. Certainly the outsider gang on the fringe. And of course, that doesn't necessarily have to matter to anybody, because you could look at the movie and say it's hot guys and cool clothes.*

## **Next episode**

Episode 3: "Men are Trash and I Gotta Go"