The Harry Hill TV Burp Lost Episode

Have you ever heard of the show Harry Hill's TV Burp? It was a show hosted by British comedian Harry Hill in which he looked clips from the various shows that aired during the week, and he'll make a humorous remark or sketch about it. Since it ran pre-watershed, the show was very light hearted though not for the first three seasons when the show tried to appeal more to a wide ranging audience and Harry Hill was much crueller and less Hill for a Harry. There was also a lot more sketches, and sometimes a bear. The show ended in 2012 after 15 seasons, and it ended despite rave reviews especially from the big wigs over at Big Town. Harry Hill reported that he ended the show so that he could move on to other projects including his planned revival for another British show from long ago and yet not so very long ago entitled Stars In Their Eyes. A six episode revival aired in 2015, but it was quickly cancelled because Harry put too much influence on himself without even thinking about the contestants and their overly dramatic backstories like how their husband to do to ship out with the army, but they seem remarkably unbothered about it being more concerned about earning some dosh from Harry's loot. Harry Hill also had a film of his own, but I wouldn't recommend watching it as once again there is far too much Harry Hill for such a Harry Hill story, he really should have toned it down if you know what I mean. In late years, Harry Hill mentioned in a super secret interview with the Daily Otter than he actually wasn't going to end the show on it's 15th season as because ratings were so huge a 16th series was actually totally in the question. The head of Television Centre at the time; Mr Tarantino no relation I hope. A proper bastard that fish was as he used to work for the council back in Bikini Bottom, and during his reign as an enforcer for the council he was known for two things; having eyes with red lines redder than the reddest of nights or perhaps even the orangest of nights tell your grandpas to get his gun sorry about it, as well as the fact he gave out community service charges to people like they were candy to him. Mr Tarantino was particularly pleased with Harry Hill's TV Burp as he loved all of the sketches including the fights. For those of you not in the Harry Hill TV Burp fandom, before the commercial break Harry Hill would comment how he likes one thing and how he also likes the other, but he wonders which one is better leading to him declare, "fight!" The two things discussed by Harry then appear in the studio, and begin fighting but we never see who won because it cuts to the break as Harry and the producers didn't want to upset viewers by having one win over the other.

The sixteenth season was scheduled to begin airing in January 2013, and there was a lot of press for the sweet sixteen with Harry Hill's TV Burp even getting it's own billboard which was sadly later defaced by a bunch of college students who drew a big pink stache on Harry's face, but I mean the billboard didn't really make me want to watch the show anyway as Harry was sticking his tongue out in the picture when this is supposed to be a serious advertisement. Ladies and gentlemen, this is where I sadly have to inform you that the planned new series didn't go at all according to plan, as the filming of the very first episode went horribly wrong. So horrible that the show was cancelled indefinitely, and the 15th season became the final series with a nasty scene being added onto the final episode where after the big musical Harry Hill pointed at the camera and said to us the viewers at home; "that's all from us!" I must admit I cried as I ate into my roasted nuts which I would get from the vendor every Saturday evening as Harry's TV Burp aired every Saturday night just around tea time. You may be wondering how I know about this, well you see I worked for television centre back from 2011 to 2012; I quit very quickly because I was insulted over the way I held my microphone with the tips of my fingers instead of using the whole palm. Yeah that makes sense. I think not! I loved working on the Harry Hill's TV Burp series having been a fan of the show for many years before landing my job at Television Centre. Harry and I became good friends, and during the filming of one of the last episodes, he told me during the break that he would happily hire me as a cameraman for one of his future projects, I learned that sadly Harry was not a man of his word, as he never contacted me and he appeared rather disinterested and out of character when I confronted him in an alley up near Benning where he was more concerned with telling me how he used to be a doctor, but left the medical profession to pursue a clownish clown. Anyways, the episode started normally from what I can recall, the theme song featured Harry eating a bunch of televisions, and then burping at the screen. hence the name TV Burp Just like normal, after the theme song was shown with Harry sitting at his desk as he introduced the show to the audience with, "hello and welcome to TV Burp!" The audience seemed oddly cold and quiet when Harry talked about the first few things that he saw during the week which were normal including a bit about a new show which had two men going to people's houses asking them to whiff their salmons. Sounds dirty doesn't it?

The episode was notably weird as none of the programs that Harry talked about I had ever seen before. "Cops learn about Commissioner's ketchup addiction on Detectives In Brussels," a clip was shown in which a pool of presumed blood is shown on the ground. Two detectives see the blood, and turn around to see their Commissioner who has a big box of chips on his desk and he just looks shocked as he remarked, "whoops." Harry Hill then did a sketch about how he was quite fond of ketchup himself. He brought a box of chips out from under his desk, and then joked, "I only like a small bit of sauce on me chips." He then proceeded to fricking douse the entire thing in so much ketchup you couldn't even see the bottom. Harry then talked about a brand new show called Weird Science = Weird Foods, and it was a brand new show about scientists doing experiments on foods in order to see how they weird they can become without becoming uneatable. A group of scientists were shown in a big assembly room showing their project which was a jelly, and the only innovation was is that it couldn't move for love nor money. Normally, jelly slips and slides and bounces up and down but this one was perfectly still and didn't even move as one of the scientists poked at it with his spoon. Harry then joked, "I wish my jelly could be as still as that." He once again reached inside his desk, and pulled out the iconic dancing red jelly, and you really have to follow the Harry Hill's TV Burp mythos in order to follow that. Harry placed the jelly onto the table, it seemed perfectly still as Harry then began poking at it with his spoon. "Hmm seems a bit still doesn't it?" Harry asked jokingly when all of the sudden the jelly let out a lion's roar as it charged at Harry, and he fell onto the floor which I must admit I laughed at the time because it reminded me of the time I saw Ronald McDonald falling off a bench while on holiday in Japan. Harry was really struggling, as the jelly was trying to kill him. It didn't even look like a sketch, poor ole Harry looked like he was genuinely getting hurt, once again the audience seemed oddly cold. No one had laughed once during the show even during Harry's ketchup sketch from earlier. Two security guards came to help the bald man, and they threw the jelly into the cage. "There is only punishment for a piece of jelly like this." One of the guards said as he ate the jelly in one big bite, but he turned green like Shrek as he began to suffer a series case of food poisoning. The guard was rolled out from the studio as he ordered Harry to make him another bowl of jelly as he wasn't finished yet. The audience showed no reaction suggesting they thought that this was all a part of the show. Harry cleared his throat as he then did the TV Burp Poetry Corner.

TV Burp often had several gags such as Poetry Corner or TV Highlight Of The Week, TV Burp Poetry Corner featured a line from a show on telly that aired during the week which sounds poetry like in it's delivery. The clip featured a man dressed like a Shakespeare character standing on a stage as he asks, "where be the late latte?" That didn't sound anything like poetry to me did it Remy? In any case, TV Burp Poetry Corner's logo appeared again only this time it was shown in slow motion. For the final sketch before the commercial break, Harry Hill talked about a made for TV special which had a kid crushing his cat to death with a toaster quite dark for a show aimed at families but I had no time to argue nor would I intend to as although I'm quite the hard lard, I would never dream of challenging Harry Hill and his fabulous scotch egg head. After killing the cat, the kid traps it in the basement and he fears it that it may come back to haunt him as the cat appears to be growing in the basement some how. Harry Hill then opened up the basement wearing a horrific looking cat costume as he and his bodyguard Mr Blobby appeared and started attacking the kid by throwing him around the room into a big pile of pancakes which were sold to the kid by the most patronising diner waitress that I have ever seen, and trust me I done seen them all. It was meant to be a funny scene, but it didn't look funny as Harry looked very angry as did his bald head which now had a face on it and it appeared to be crying as it said, "I just wanted some chum!" I didn't know that foreheads could speak, but whatever I guess Harry Hill is going to prove me wrong. Harry Hill returned to the normal set as he made a joke about he likes a bit of M&S sponge, but he also likes a bit of Sainsbury sponge but there was only one way to find out who was better. FIGHT! Two anthromorphic sponges (really just people wearing costumes) stormed onto the set, and began fighting each other. "We'll catch you after the break!" Harry Hill proclaimed happily, and as the break began the two actors playing the sponges stopped their fighting and seemed to be oddly interested in not leaving the set but rather staying perfectly still as they waited for Harry to come back. During the break, Harry Hill had himself a monster coffee; which was coffee inside a mug that was way too fucking big and only got added as a suggestion from Mr Tarantino's lover Mr Waternoose. There sure are a lot of Mr's in this story aren't there dear? Mr Mrs! Oh my giddy aunt don't make me talk about that smelly show! Anyways, Mr Tarantino whined to Harry about the show and why it was going so bad so far. Harry remarked that it was probably because the audience were too afraid to laugh as Mr Tarantino had allowed his pet gorilla into the set with Harry. The gorilla was intended to close the show out by playing tunes on the drums. The gorilla was a massive fan of Phill Collins, and could play Feel It In The Air Tonight like it was the easiest piece of pie that has ever been baked. I heard the whole conversation, because I was eavesdropping, and I was quite bad for that especially back then. But not anymore!

I tucked myself into a delicious bacon buttie as the break came to a close, and Harry Hill returned to his desk and of course he was confused as to why the two sponge mascots were still there as he asked, "uh you two spongey sponges know that the break is over now right?" "Sorry Harry, but you're fired!" One of the sponges remarked as the other sponge proceeded to pin Harry down onto the table. I recognised the voice that was used, but I didn't want to say who I thought it was in case I looked like a real custard maker. The sponge removed the top of the costume revealing it to be none other than Lord Sugar himself. Alan Sugar the man who made the sugar, in all due seriousness Alan Sugar is the host of a show called The Apprentice. What's that show about? Come to Britain, and find out sonny! Anyways, one of Harry Hill's favourite shows to talk about was The Apprentice, and he often made fun out of it by using a horrific looking puppet of Alan Sugar which I'm sure looked funny to most people, but it really scared me and me grandson and we both hid behind the sofa whenever Harry made a joke with it. Alan Sugar was a man who seemed to take jabs against him with good humour, but he hated the way Harry mocked his show as he feared it would mean that no one would want to appear on The Apprentice ever again. The second sponge was none other than Heather from Eastenders. I hate soap operas, and I'm sure you do too, but in any case Heather is a character from the horrid soap that Harry often uses as a recurring character in his sketches though obviously not the real Heather as it was really just fat sweaty man in a wig and female clothing. Heather hated the fact that Harry Hill was constantly making fun of her, and she also knew that this was the reason why people thought that her son was actually the son of Mr Blobby as Harry joked in one of his sketches long ago back when the world made sense. Harry Hill as he normally does when a joke gets a little too heated looked directly at the screen as he said, "I'm in a big tin." Lord Sugar appeared to recognise me, as he pulled me up to the desk and he threatened me with, "where is my Christmas pudding!" I once got hired by Sugar to sell patterned Alan Sugar Christmas Puddings at the local market hall, but I loved the marzipan laced on top of the puddings and so I ate the lot even though the puddings themselves left a lot to be desired. Lord Sugar and Heather then told Harry Hill that he was going to pay for all the mockery he had done towards TV in the past as several show characters from shows that had appeared on TV Burp in the past came into the room to attack Harry including Simon Cowell who appeared to have his own agenda. "You've to be kidding me! The new host of Harry Hill's TV Burp is me." Simon said as he jumped on the table and started twerking. Simon Cowell had stolen some of the Christmas puddings from me from back in the day as he intended to eat them as a celebration once he was done shooting up a house belonging to Mrs Kindly who ironically wasn't very kind, and she was born stupid lucky.

In a homage to Scooby Doo, all of the TV characters started chasing Harry and myself through the studio as Benny Hill's Theme was played on a saxophone by Lord Saddler who was going deep undercover it would seem. Just as it seemed we reached the fire exit, Lionel Richie appeared holding a big bag of cheesy crisps. He held one of the crisps up to Harry's face as he remarked, "ooh share." Harry had no time to react as he was grabbed in a fishing net by Mr Blobby who had turned traitor just like the rest of them. Mr Blobby hooked Harry all the way back to the set where using gorilla clue made from the sweat from the gorilla mentioned earlier, they were able to stick Harry Hill to his chair. "What have I done!?" Harry cried as he held his bald head in despair. "This is payback Harry for all of the mockery you've done our shows in the past!" Threatened Lord Sugar. Ratings for British Television had taken a serious hit ever since Harry started his show, and because of his jabs no one was bothering to take the shows seriously. Harry Hill never intended for this to happen, he had no idea that his actions actually had consequences. All of the characters started tormenting Harry with Heather shoving cake down Harry's gob while Lord Sugar threw sugary shortbread biscuits at Harry. I got my own back on Lord Sugar however by nicking the lunchbox that the biscuits came in which made ole Sugar cry it did, and his tears were pure sugar. Even Santa Claus got in on the beatdown of Harry Hill as he claimed that Harry made a mockery of him by suggesting that he was in love with a man with long hair who loved making entire studio apartments out of LEGO bricks. Suddenly, the door to the studio burst open as a shadowed figure entered the room. It was none other than Sugar Bear; the mascot for Golden Crisp. A suave character who always has to deal with characters trying to steal his cereal only to eat some of the smelly cereal which gives him superhuman strength that allows for him to escape the situation unscathed. Sugar Bear was shocked when he saw Heather who he went a date on accidentally after mistaking her for a cocktail waitress he once knew at a bar in Temple City. Heather pointed at Sugar Bear as she roared a mighty roar, but thankfully Harry was rescued by the Sugar Puff though he couldn't get Harry out from the chair due to the gorilla clue so Harry had to walk around with a chair still firmly stuck to his ass. Meanwhile, I was hiding behind the sofa in the studio from the dreaded Alan Sugar puppet. Sugar Bear saved me as did Harry, and in a real Wizard Of Oz moment we walked to Mr Tarantino's office hand in hand as we got ready to lay down the law on Mr Tarantino. Ole Tarantino was very shocked when he heard what had gone down, and he was equally horrified to see that the show characters wanted him dead just as much as they wanted Harry and me dead. I hadn't even done anything to deserve such a fate, but when I brought this up to the characters they explained that I had laughed more than anyone at Harry Hill's TV Burp, and so they felt I needed to be taught a lesson. So, it was they who were making up the audience during this show. The plot thickens like Nutella on a piece of Warburtons bread.

Even though they had never even appeared on TV Burp before, for some strange reason 118 118 came into the room and demanded compensation from TV Burp for mocking their ads in the past. Knowing that the brothers were just trying to milk some dosh out from the British Television Industry and not believing their story for a minute, Mr Tarantino opted to send the pair on their way. Ooh send them on their way send them on their way. 118 118 ran down the road together, and they were stopped on their travels back home by an army blockade which had been placed up by Dominic a soldier of course. Dominic held his M16 in the pair's direction as he asked, "where is your pass? You boys are trespassing on government soil!" 118 grabbed Dominic by the face, and planted a huge smacker on the soldier as both he and 118 leapt over the blockade. Dominic was so in shock by what had just transpired that he didn't even have the sense to call in for radio support from his fellow soldiers who were trying to restore peace at Television Centre after having heard about the commotion caused during the filming of Harry Hill's TV Burp. "So what happens now? How about I pay you in back rubs?" Harry joked as Mr Tarantino rubbed his eyes in gasoline as he yelled angrily, "this is no time for jokes Harry!" Harry Hill then realised that he had only one option. He had to end Harry Hill's TV Burp once and for all. I was filming all of this as it happened by the way even the little misadventure of 118 118 as I had a very good camera which had two lenses instead of just one, and it was long enough to reach from London to Vice City. "Cancel the program, my dear boy don't be upsurd!" Barked Mr Tarantino who didn't want to lose one of his biggest monkey makers, but Harry Hill finally removed the chair from his ass as he said, "it's got to be done Mr Tarantino, it's got to be done!" Harry then decided to close out his final episode by singing Thank You Very Much from Albert Finley's Scrooge, please don't watch it as Scrooge is proper dumb in that movie and he also gets drunk on milk given to him by the Ghost of Christmas Present all the while Scrooge is called Father Christmas by the kids on his estate including Jack Harper who was the shop steward at Fezziwig's, but we never saw his gravy. Whatever that means. "Thank you very much thank you very much that's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me." Harry sang as all of the other TV characters joined him in singing even other British TV characters like Noel Edmunds, Knitted Character, and the ghost of the dancing jelly joined in with the singing as Harry Hill made his way down the road with me happily continuing to film as he did so.

During a slow moment during the song, Harry Hill headed inside a fancy dress shop where he dressed up in an Elvis Presley costume and he began singing in the street by how he loves Christmas so dang much all the while doing a sick Elvis impression. "I love Christmas so dang much. All the presents and baubles and such. So much to see so much splendid I love Christmas so dang much!" Harry sang, but then Heather shook her head as he pinned Harry up against a lamppost as she demanded that he go back to the other song. One of my fellow cameramen George looked at Harry dead in the eye as he said, "I'd like to have you up against the wall Harry." I couldn't really blame George for saying that to be honest with you? Harry Hill headed back inside the fancy dress shop, and when he came out he was now wearing a Santa Claus outfit, and he once again went back to singing Thank You Very Much as he and the rest of us made our way down the road singing to our hearts content until we all became super socially awkward in a half shell when a man stuck his face out from his apartment window, and ordered us to shut up as his bloody vacuum cleaner had broken, though to be honest that was his fault as he had stuffed the bloody thing with dollar bills. He won the lottery you see; but he only won the American one and he didn't realise that dollars aren't used in Britain. Not knowing that you can convert American money into British pounds, the man wanting to avoid embarrassment from his overly British friends proceeded to stuff the cleaner with the money which ultimately caused it to break. Harry Hill then grabbed the camera out from mine and George's hands as he faced the screen with a big Cheshire Cat grin upon his bald headed face as he proclaimed, "that's all from us on Harry Hill's TV Burp!" I should also mention that this episode would have come out in January, and yet Harry Hill seemed to think that it was still December as in his bald head it is always December. So sad. Everyone cheered in admiration for what Harry Hill had sacrificed for them, even the miserable Lord Sugar clapped an impassive clap in admiration for the Hill which means very out of character for ole Sugar baby if I may say so myself sonny. Harry believed that with his show gone, people would finally go back to taking their programs seriously without thinking about what way Harry would make fun of it on the next episode of his program. Harry had no trouble getting work after the show was cancelled, as he was already getting ready to write up the script for his feature film all the while getting ready to appear in the doomed revival of Stars In Their Eyes which was going to be commissioned by none other than Dr Doom himself who took over the Centre after Mr Tarantino stepped down in 2014. Dr Doom was quite impassive as he wore a red bathrobe, and had stubble upon his liar's chair as he sipped on a coffee and called me for an emergency meeting as he wanted to talk about what I had filmed of the episode.

The meeting featured myself, Mr Tarantino, and Dr Doom. Dr Doom explained they were taking all footage of the failed sixteenth season premiere, and they were going to be hiding somewhere where no one could find it. Somewhere hidden deep inside the caves of Androzani. This was where all unwanted and unusable ITV pieces went to over the years probably also including all the episodes of Glad To Be Sad. It's go without saying that this was when they decided to have Harry say his little farewell message in the final episode of the fifthteenth season. Tis the fifthteenth season after all I suppose. I handed the tape over to Mr Tarantino who like some kind of King Henry The IV smiled an incredibly cheesy grin as he nodded a mighty nod before sticking the tape into his draw. "What will you do to fill the unfillable void of Harry Hill's TV Burp?" I asked curiously as Mr Tarantino responded with, "don't worry about that old man, we've got it all covered." Indeed, a brand new documentary series was going to be taken up the spot that TV Burp had once occupied, and it was all about 118 118 who were no longer in the advertising scheme, and had since taken over the Twix company sadly both brothers have had a massive falling out and have split the company into factions called Right Twix and Left Twix. Right Twix smothers the bar in chocolate while Left Twix simply covers it in chocolate. The two brothers don't share anything anymore aside from the front entrance to their factory, sadly the documentary though filmed in full was unable to ever be aired on television as the brothers claimed they didn't like the way the Twix company was represented in the doc especially during one clip when an interviewer found a rat hidden inside a wrapper for Left Twix. "That's not mine!" 118 pleaded. As for me? I retired from cameraman duties, and tried to get a job at my local Mickey D's but they refused to hire me because I had the rep for being quite rude to the employees. I asked for a small doo, and they offered me the large doo to which I responded, "if I wanted a large doo, I'd of asked for a large doo! How about this I'm outta here!" I barked angrily like a dog, and now I'm forced to sit in the house knitting Thneeds as I think of the next big scheme. I'm also now a cynic who believes that the world makes no sense and so act like an old bastard accordingly.

I really wanted people to see the beautiful true final episode of Harry Hill's TV Burp, but sadly it was just not meant to be. Harry Hill is doing very well, and if you're wondering why his surname is Hill its because underneath his bald hill there is a hill with grass and sheep atop it. He covers the hill with a bald cap, and he only revealed this to me after I explained that I had the only video of Big Foot who wasn't at all what we were expecting as he just raided people's RVs so that he could nick their shaving gel as he was addicted to eating it, and sometimes he made a beard using it but that's a story for another old fart to tell you. I often wonder how much milage and jokes Harry Hill and his TV Burp could get out from the shows shown on telly today especially streaming services, and maybe one day we'll get a revival that will try way too hard to capture the spirit of the original TV Burp while Harry just looks sad and old while he makes a sketch about a weirdo eating butter in a deli called Ellie. Thankfully, that won't happen. I hope anyway. I'm rubbing my chin suggestively as I finish typing this down, well I got to go as it's time for me to get my grandkids their Christmas presents. I'm getting them saving bonds, yes no presents just saving bonds. Their rich uncle Ian from Los Angeles will get them presents though including a cake with green icing, just because he wants to be known as Santa Claus to them. He has even requested that they name him Father Christmas instead of Uncle Ian. That bald headed specie bastard! I know he just has it out for me because I said that with his bald head and glasses he looks remarkably like Harry Hill. There's no explaining Uncle Ian however just ask his sister who works at a chilly dog truck in Queens. Well, I got to go. Just do me a favour. Get the pie. No I'm serious, get the pie now.