214: I'm a Turtle, Not a Lichenologist

## Summary

The party head off down a random tunnel in the lichen caves and while they walk, Gwen fishes for information about what happened to everyone in their cells. No-one except Raphina is quite ready to share the whole truth about their experiences. Eventually they reach a new cavern populated with workers who are busily cultivating the lichen. Finally, to everyone's surprise, Crumplemeyer himself arrives!

## Synopsis

The party head off down the slightly larger tunnel, the one chosen by Batthwack. Lichen lines the walls. As they walk, Gwen idly asks if anyone wants to talk about what happened to them in their cell. Mo says he was bored because everything was made of stone. At least back in the lizardfolk lair he had mud to play with. Raphina reveals she was given a macadamia nut and was visited by a worm. Gwen's both amazed and intrigued by this and questions her about it. Raphina explains what happened  and that it also happened once before with an almond. Gwen is particularly interested to know if Raphina's worm seemed genuine, someone she knew, and was it definitely them (concerned as she is about her own encounter with Moondreamer, which she later discovered was probably a con). Batthwack recounts how he chatted with Captain Clockface. Will is suspicious about why Clockface was accosted by the town guard because he hadn't been involved the group's antics on Waterside. Captain Clockface playfully points his hip dagger at Will in response to this. Will asks him why he was in the Roladexaroonie, saying *"Were there any clock-ladies, or clock-whatever-you're-into at the Roladexaroonie?"* and Clockface does a shimmy. Will's patience for trying to understand him runs out and he turns his interrogation to Batthwack instead. Batthwack just says he should ask Captain Clockface himself because he's really good as answering yes/no questions. He then jokingly says that Clockface did actually speak to him in the cell but then says he's kidding. Gwen is really intrigued by all this, and asks Batthwack if anyone came to see him. He says he and Captain Clockface talked for a long time and then he decided to wait and see what happens (which is all accurate, but just leaves out the itty-bitty part about his visit from Zantras the Kingmaker).

Gwen asks Will what happened to him in his cell. Will doesn't mention his encounter with the Swirly Man of course, but instead says he felt his magic being taken away. Gwen and Batthwack ask him if he was visited by or talked to anyone. Will just says he talked to himself. He's under the impression that everyone else had their magic while they were locked up because when they all emerged they were able to cast spells right away when he still couldn't. Gwen and Batthwack say their magic came back while in their cells. Gwen probes further, asking if anyone got any gifts, and they say they didn't. Raphina wonders what Gwen must have got to make her ask all these questions. Gwen shows everyone her magical candy pouch, saying that she thought it was good when she was given it, but now she isn't sure. She says the gift giver wasn't who she thought it was and now she's a little afraid of it. Will asks who she saw in her cell and Gwen reluctantly explains it's her friend called Moondreamer. Will wants to know why Moondreamer was there in the cell with her. For instance, do they work for *Tomorrow, Today!*? Gwen says they don't and explains that she saw them again later on and they didn't remember the meeting in the cell. Will wants to see the pouch, but Gwen doesn't want anyone touching it because she doesn't wholly trust it. She says she plans to try casting *Detect Magic* to see if she can find out any more about it. Will's nervous, clearly having a lot more questions to ask. He casts a sideways glance at Selenia.

Will tells the group that they should get out of here because the brazier only had a set number of destinations and the cave was one of them. He thinks it won't be long before *Tomorrow, Today!* track them down. Gwen also wants to get as far away from them as possible, and while Will agrees, he also says they should regroup, come back and kill everyone. Batthwack isn't so worried now that they're on Cliffside. Will suggests going to the woods out of town. Batthwack asks if they can get any magical paper for Krikrik and Will tells him that he already grabbed a bunch of it. Gwen also reminds them that she has some of the books, justifying stealing them by saying she really doesn't like *Tomorrow, Today!* Will dismisses that, saying it's her information in those books anyway, so it really belongs to her. Will peers closely at Gwen's magical pouch but can't discern anything special about it's magic. He tells Gwen it's a nice looking pouch, saying *"I wouldn't look a gift Moonbeam-whatever-the-heck-it-was in the mouth, I guess.* Gwen says *"Well, it's a unicorn, so you can say "gift horse" if you like!"* Everyone is quite shocked at this revelation, apart from Raphina who is jealous, and Mo who is confused (a horse with a horn is a deer, right?).

Raphina suddenly bangs her shin on something hard. Looking down she sees the end of a pipe, the open end of which is facing them with the rest of the pipe carrying on the way they were headed. It's smaller than the ones they followed before; only being just big enough for a halfling to squeeze in, should they want to. They wonder again whether this is some system for flooding the caves. Batthwack wonders if they might use the pipes to suck the lichen out. Will's not happy about that idea. He says they might be able to breath underwater, but what about if they suck all the air out? Gwen is astonished to hear about the water-breathing. Raphina says it's the one special thing about the party. That and the fact they don't need to sleep. Raphina puts her hand to the end of the pipe and doesn't feel any air movement and the pipe doesn't seem to be any more or less damp than everything else in this cave. Will asks Gwen if she knows what these pipes are about and whether there's anything in the town where residents are warned to avoid the caves when they're being flooded. Gwen says in the 5 years she's lived on Waterside she's never heard anyone talk about that. Will wants to find out what's going on here, but more than that he wants to get out of here in order to re-group in safety. Gwen also wants to get out of here and says she wouldn't have a problem sleeping in the woods. They look at the map and there are no exits from Morrow's Inlet from Cliffside, apart from by scaling the cliffs. Short of any better options, and given that the current tunnel seems to be heading gradually upwards in a hopeful fashion, they decide to keep heading away from Waterside and continue the way they've been going.
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Following the pipe, the party come to a left-hand bend around which they discover another fence with a gate set in it. The pipe continues through the gate and beyond they can see that the walls are still covered in lichen. Batthwack tries the gate and it opens. They go through and as the gate is closing behind them they notice that there's no handle on the other side (though there is a keyhole) and there's a sign that reads in big, red, bold lettering *"AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY. LICHEN RESERVOIR. PREVENT CONTAMINCATION AT ALL COSTS."* Batthwack puts his arm in the door to stop it from closing. Hilula pipes up to ask if this is a reservoir, where is the water? Will wonders if they only flood water in at certain times. He's also working on theory in which this whole lichen thing is a con, but it still needs work. Raphina says they should ignore the sign and Batthwack lets the doors slam shut.

They continue on their way. The tunnel is definitely sloping upwards and there's still lichen everywhere. They round a sharp bend and the passage opens up abruptly into a large cavern full of people. The group screech to a halt, but then notice that it is a very quiet. Everyone in this cave is working and totally focused on what they're doing. Will remembers he is still disguised as Marko so immediately feels more comfortable. Looking around, the group see different stations where the workers are tending to the lichen, some where they are carefully trimming the lichen, some are drying it by laying it out carefully. It's also being packed up and shipped out in another part of the cave. The pipe they've been following ends at a sizable pool of water and there is water flowing from it into the pool. Some workers are getting water from the pool and very meticulously watering the lichen drop by drop. A couple of workers nearby look up and see the party, but they uninterestedly carry on their work. Gwen whispers to the group saying that Will should pretend to be taking everyone on a tour. Will doesn't waste a second getting into character, speaking in hushed tones to the party *"Alright everybody. We're going to quietly make our way through the rest of the group here..."* and continues to narrate everything that's going on while Raphina makes *"Ooh"* and *"Aah"* sounds.

Will and Gwen hear a faint noise in the distance, which they recognise as that of a mouth harp. The sound is getting louder and coming from an exit on the other side of this cavern. The party notice that when the workers notice the sound, they straighten up and seem to work harder. They were intense and focused in what they were doing before, but now they're even more so and there's a tension in the air. The workers are more alert as the sound continues to get closer. Will tells the group that someone's coming and they look around for hiding places, but there really isn't anywhere to go. A figure emerges, playing a mouth harp. It's an older elf in a brown suit, strolling along and looking around, almost as if lost. Behind him four disembodied hands trail along the ground (Will shudders and recalls the fight with Baba Lysaga). The elf is strolling along, inspecting the lichen, looking at the pool. Gwen has never seen him in person before, but recognises this elf from his descriptions. It's Merrick Crumplemeyer! Will immediately beings to try and blend in as a worker and pretends to study the lichen. Gwen wants to go and speak to him, but Will is very nervous because they're not supposed to be here. Crumplemeyer, still playing his harp, is crouched down at a patch of lichen that the workers had been tending to, studying it closely. Batthwack, using his most obvious loud voice, says *"Tour guide! Who's that? Can we go meet him?"* Will's eyes widen and he beings to squirm. Gwen calls out *"I would love to meet him! That looks like Merrick Crumplemeyer. Merrick Crumplemeyer! Is that you?!"*

## Trivia

* After the group discover the *"PREVENT CONTAMINCATION AT ALL COSTS"* sign on the gate, the players are discussing where the lichen comes from and how it's used. KT/Will says *"So we're contaminating as we speak. Or maybe it's something else that we could have contaminated if they fill it with water, or if they fill it with something else. I don't know!"* Alex/Batthwack replies *"I don't know. I'm a turtle, not a lichenologist!"*
* Lichenology is a real thing by the way (which this wiki editor didn't know)! It's a branch of mycology, which is the study of fungi. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lichenology.

## References

1. ↑ See episode 209: Various Brick Sounds
2. ↑ See episode 178: It's a Good Thing Raphina Is a Notary
3. ↑ See episode 212: Hubbubbada Bubbada!
4. ↑ Which of course he actually did! See episode 209: Various Brick Sounds
5. ↑ ...To the sound of OpeningSepticTank.wav of course, see episode 158: OpeningSepticTank.wav and practically every episode since then
6. ↑ Also known as a jew's harp or jaw harp. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jew's\_harp
7. ↑ Will had a nasty shock when he opened the chest in Baba Lysaga's hut to reveal four crawling claws which attacked the party. See episode 104: I'm Gonna S.O.S. Her Ass Outta Here