The Queen Who Mopped X-Mas

**The Queen Who Mopped X-Mas** is the ninth episode of Season 1A of *The Family*, and the ninth episode overall. It was released on December 13, 2015 - read it here:

## Main Cast

* Queen Steph as Steph
* Melanie Martinez as Isabela
* Idekmandy as Mandy
* Mandy Fitzpatrick as Criminal
* Victoria Smurfit as Claire
* Jessica Alba as Jessica
* Lentimassu as Lenti
* Tomdy as Tomdy
* Dodo as Dodo
* Binkx as Binkx
* Oliver as Oliver
* Natsu as Natsu

## Episode

**BELA:** *(voiceover) I think it's common knowlodge that I* love *Drag Queens.*

**BELA:** *(voiceover) HOWEVER, it's not MY fault that bitches keep interrupting my RuPaul's Drag Race watching sessions - I mean, why even bother to come and talk to me about your AIDS, or your pregnancy, or your Whiskhas Saché or whatever, when you KNOW THAT I'M BUSY THAT I'M WATCHING GOD'S REALITY SHOW?!!?!?!?*

**BELA:** *(voiceover) And, after having to choose between watching Season 3, 4 our 6, I just decided to do a marathon of all of them. And, of course, something had to go wrong.*

**BELA:** *(voiceover) Right in the middle of RuPalcalypse Now Tom just* had *to interrupt the episode by running into my bedroom and locking the door.*

**TOM:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

**BELA:** what

**TOM:** thAT CAT THING IS CHASING ME

**BELA:** wtf?????

**BELA:** ok whatever watch this with me

**TOM:** what's that

**BELA:** rupauls drag race

**TOM:** ew drag queens

**BELA:** you have no other alternative

> *Bela proceeded to make Tom watch all episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race, seasons 4 and 6.*
>
>

> *Meanwhile*, *in the living room...*
>
>

**STEPH:** what is happening upstairs

**LENTI:** Apparently Bela is doing that drag thing

again with Tom

**STEPH:** ok I don't care

**DODO:** faggot chill chill whore slut

**BINKX:**  go choke on a dick dodo !!!

**DODO:** what did you just say

> *Binkx fled, scared, and screaming "the bad man is going to get me!!!"*
>
>

**NATSU:** aaaaah

**DODO:** little gay bitch bich slut cracker

**OLIVER:** what is happening

**DODO:** shut up porcelain

**OLIVER:** this is not how we handle things in the pageant circuit

**DODO:** how do they handle it? you guys drink tea an-

> *Oliver jumped on Dodo and started to fight.*
>
>

**CLAIRE:** \*sigh\* I remember when men used to fight like that for me...
**JESSICA:** back in Puerto Rico, men made lines to see me... in this country, nobody sees me!

**CLAIRE:** I KNOW WHAT TO DO

**JESSICA:** ?!!!?!?!?!?1??!?!?!

**CLAIRE:** I'LL TRAIN YOU TO BE LIKE ME!

**JESSICA:**  ok

**JESSICA:** do I have to become an alcoholic too

**CLAIRE:** FIRST STEP: SILLICONE IMPLANTS

**JESSICA:** ok

> *Tom gets home, and has something to tell his wife...*
>
>

**MANDY:** hey waifu

**TOM:** mandy I need you to put make-up on me

**MANDY:** what

**TOM:** I'm going to a bar as a drag queen today

**TOM:** my name will be ariana

**MANDY:** I'm divorcing you

**TOM:** I'M MAKE-UPPING MYSELF THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**MANDY:** get out of my house

**TOM:** YOU'RE BEING REALLY DRAGPHOBIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> *Tom returns to Steph's house, while Mandy gets pissed.*
>
>

**DODO:** everyone is a fucking faggot fucking bitches

**NATSU:** a-

**DODO:** you're a fat fuck

> *Natsu runs away, crying.*
>
>

**TOM:** SOMEONE WHO CAN DO MAKE-UP

**JESSICA:** what do you want

**TOM:** Can you do make-up

**JESSICA:** yes

**TOM:** makeup me

**JESSICA:** why

**TOM:** because I'm a drag queen and my name is Ariana Hefford

**JESSICA:** ok

**TOM:** yay!!!!

**BELA:** whats happening

**BELA:** what is this

**JESSICA:** stop being a bitch

**BELA:** I'm not a bitch, I'm America's sweetheart.

**JESSICA:** no that's beyoncé

**BELA:** did you implying that beyoncé is a bitch

**JESSICA:** CALM DOWN BEYONCÉ

**BELA:** ok whatever so what's happening

**TOM:** I'm Ariana Hefford

**BELA:** woiw you look ugly af

**TOM:** NO, I DON'T

**BELA:** true i'm just a bitch

**JESSICA:** I agree

**BELA:** fuck off

**JESSICA:** no

**TOM:** I'm going to the drag bar xxx

**BELA:** ok I hope you die

**TOM:** same

**BELA:** kiss me before you go

**TOM:** kiss kiss bye

**BELA:** when will my husband return from the war

**JESSICA:** you're not married

**BELA:** true Micayla died :(

**BELA:** I NEED TO GET BACK ON THE GAME!!!

**JESSICA:** I'm not helping you bye

**BELA:** wait look at my dance moves

**JESSICA:** get a life

**BELA:** choke on a dick

**JESSICA:** ok ill see your dance moves

**BELA:** ok watch me sing

**JESSICA:** you said dance moves

**BELA:** don't tell me this is the first time you've been lied to

**JESSICA:** I'm leaving, You suck.

**BELA:** come at me scrublord I'm ripped xx

**JESSICA:** ????

**BELA:** MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

**STEPH:** what do you want

**BELA:** stay here with me mommy ♥

**STEPH:** ok I guess

**STEPH:** I'll be on my phone though so bye

**BELA:** but I put on this pretty outfit look at me spray glitter

**STEPH:** who let you buy this drag bullshit

**BELA:** you

**STEPH:** not anymore

**BELA:** try me

**STEPH:** not in the mood bye

**BELA:** ok :s

**TOM:** I'm back

**BELA:** how was it

**TOM:** REALLY GOOD BUT I'M NEVER DOING IT AGAIN

**BELA:** why

**TOM:** because everyone was prettier than me

**BELA:** ok

**CRIMINAL:** Helloo.... omg drag queens

**BELA:** What

**CRIMINAL:** Eh Okay bye