Dick Clark

Dick Clark, 2010

**Richard Wagstaff "Dick" Clark** (November 30, 1929 – April 18, 2012) was an American radio and television personality, television producer and film actor, as well as a cultural icon who remains best known for hosting *American Bandstand* from 1956 to 1989. He also hosted five incarnations of the Pyramid game show from 1973-1988 and *Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve*, which transmitted Times Square's New Year's Eve celebrations.

As host of *American Bandstand*, Clark introduced rock & roll to many Americans. Due to his perennially youthful appearance and his largely teenaged audience of *American Bandstand*, Clark was often referred to as "America's oldest teenager" or "the world's oldest teenager." In his off-stage roles, Clark served as chief executive officer of Dick Clark Productions company (though he sold off his financial interest in his later years). In 1973, he created and produced the annual American Music Awards show, similar to the Grammy Awards.

To fans of The Residents, Clark is also known as the figure on the front cover of most editions of the group's third album, *The Third Reich 'n Roll*. For his part, Clark is said to have appreciated the parody, at one point having a framed copy of the album on display in his office.

An avatar (of sorts) of Clark appeared in the multimedia slideshow included on two floppy disks with the 1993 "interactive book" edition of the album. In this presentation, the avatar is introduced as **Dick Klark**.

## "Dick Klark" on *The Third Reich 'n Roll*

*Note: The below text has been transcribed by an administrator of this wiki from a video of the multimedia presentation included with the 1993 Euro Ralph "interactive book" multimedia edition of The Third Reich 'n Roll. Grammar and typography (including errors) have been matched to the original as closely as possible, though some links to Wiki articles have been included for ease of navigation.*

Due to the swastikas on the original cover THE THIRD REICH 'N ROLL was banned in Germany. But even with a new cover it is still highly controversial. Euro Ralph feels that THE THIRD REICH 'N ROLL needs some explanatory background. We hope that you will become aware what monkey it is The Residents shook off their backs with this manifesto of residential art.

   Hallo, I'm Dick Klark and I've done the TV-Show "American Bandstand" for over 30 Years. With my show I've build those pop stars up. And I've crushed them also. I am the American Ilja Richter! But my best time I've had in the golden sixties. Boy, I've scored all those hot and juicy little chicks. Join me as I drift back to times when love guided the planet ...

This is my old studio. Legions of teenager armpits and crotches left their sweat in this hall of fame. Waiting to be seen by the star. And I was their commander. I was in control of lights and cameras. My audience would follow me wherever I may go.

Of course daddy and mommy believed I was a good boy. I kept the Negroes out except for singing and dancing. Everything was clean and nice as it should be in uptight households. But at least I taught their kids to move their stiffy pelvisses a bit. Just enough to secure the continuance.

I have a dream that someone would come and boil down all this rubbish. No more deceitfulness. No more orders how to be and what to do. Nevermore like yesterday. Finally something new. Strange newspaper-people inhabit my sleeping room. They waklk around and bang on instruments never heard before ...

   ... They escort me somewhere in limbo. I meet with a couple strangely familiar introducing themselves as a Mr. Senada and a Miss Honeydew. They speak in tongues but I learn that this odd is behind all this weird stuff. A golden carrot is presented to me. Suddenly their real faces begin to emerge from underneath and the devilish twosome starts to laugh like hell. I recognize them as the producers of my show. I'm waking up with a cramp in my left arm.

There were days when I had it with all this poofy kind of stuff. Men with long hair looking like women and girls wearing trousers. Sissies! The world of yesterday was a mess. Then I would usually watch reruns of films with real men on TV. Fighting for ideals, willing to die. Strapping youths with the vacant stare of conscientiousness in their eyes. Sometimes I would love to make the blind see.

When the show was off the air the atmosphere in the studio changed. The dancers cooled down from the facelessness they were sentenced to in the presence of "The Star" and the camera. The mob always had to dance in formation to the songs and when not broadcasted their movements became more individual and therefore more sexy. But I do prefer the sublime touch. Some day I will perform my show in a stadium with thousands of youngsters dancing in line to the rhythm.

    I remember another of these tightassed chicks doublecrossing me one time. Me, the great Dick! She managed to change our drinks so that I drank the one I'd drugged to broaden her sense of humour. Man, LSD made a wreck of me. I couldn't remember my name anymore. At least I always knew where I was, "'cause in the desert you can't remember your name." After that night I created the dance later know as "bump".

Every once in a while someone took it wrongly and got carried away. Crying like a baby for their star. Of course all those popsongs are about love but it's kinda somewhat abstract. It's not you The Beatles are talking to. At least you're not the only one. We call it the SSS, the "Sally-Simpson-Syndrom". But that's nothing a few slaps in the face wouldn't heal.

I called the dancing-hall "my little Graceland". The world outside wasn't nearly as clean and white as our little pleasure park. Instead of dancing and having fun misguided, stubborn wimps even did burn themselves protesting against some kind of war somewhere far away. Love it or leave it! You're only young once. Why wasting it with boring politics?!

I saw her walking down the street ... From the very first moment we looked each other straight into the soul. Then she came to me - one lonely sunday morning. "The razorblade is cruel", she said, "and it stings". "Needles and pins", I breathed - standing in a dark room with my chest beared. Finally she gave me truth after all this hanky panky.

    Sometimes I'm sick of it all. Usually on winter days when the leaves are brown and the sky is grey. Then I leave the studio and go for a walk. There is a little church nearby where I bend down on my knees - waiting for the Holy Spirit to drive into me. But nothing happens. Fortunately there is always a big bottle of red wine - behind the altar ... By the time they're coming from the studio to carry me back another spirit has posessed me and I've forgotten about all this crap.

Being a showmaster is one of the toughest jobs in the world. You have to keep everyone and everything under total control. On the other hand you have to be cool and relaxed whenever the red light is on. You need a doubleshot of little helpers to stand that. My nose and liver know. It's wearing me down. I think I'll go on vacation. Somewhere far away. Something really different. Maybe Cambodia.

Recently I am waking up soaked with cold sweat. I know that I am dreaming but my visions are so clear. I can see changes coming. We all have to unite against this evil. Not many days from now the drum, oldest instrument of men, will cease to exist. Instead of it a machine will come and beat the rhythm. Also the other instruments will be gone. And sounds so grim and cold will freeze our ears and our hearts. I hope I may die before this comes true.

Do you know how many of my sports coats these weeping teenage jezebels drenched? I stopped counting around 1966. These chicks always had a reason for crying. Because they were hot for me and I wasn't for them. Or when I choose one and fed her with my manna. "Tears of joy and tears of sorrow." Wondering why I was soon bored with all this boo-hoo and dumped her? For me there is only one point in crying: as foreplay to greater joy.

## See also

* *The Third Reich 'n Roll*
* The Beatles

## External links and references

* Dick Clark on Wikipedia
* Dick Clark at IMDb
* *The Third Reich 'n Roll* Multimedia Edition Walkthrough on YouTube

1. ↑ Homer Flynn (interviewed by Nate Goyer), "Ep 401: Homer Flynn pREServes The Residents", The Vinyl Guide, June 19th 2023

**Side A:** **"Swastikas on Parade"**
"Let's Twist Again" · "Land of a Thousand Dances" · "Hanky Panky" · "A Horse With No Name" · "Double Shot (Of My Baby's Love)" · "The Letter" · "Psychotic Reaction" · "Little Girl" · "Papa's Got A Brand New Bag" · "Talk Talk" · "I Want Candy" · "To Sir With Love" · "Telstar" · "Wipe Out" · "Heroes and Villains"
**Side B:** **"Hitler Was a Vegetarian"**
"Judy in Disguise (With Glasses)" · "96 Tears" · "It's My Party" · "Light My Fire" · "Ballad of the Green Berets" · "Yummy Yummy Yummy" · "Rock Around the Clock" · "Pushin' Too Hard" · "Good Lovin'" · "Gloria" · "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" · "Sunshine of Your Love" · "Hey Jude" · "Sympathy for the Devil"
**Personnel**
The Residents · Pamela Zeibak · Margaret Smyk (as Peggy Honeydew) · Gary Phillips
**Related works**
"Wooly Bully" · "Satisfaction" · *The Beatles Play The Residents and The Residents Play The Beatles* · *German Slide Music* · Oh Mummy! show · *The Third Reich 'n Roll* video · Collectors' Box series · "Double Shot" · *Icky Flix* (soundtrack) · *I Am A Resident!* · Dog Stab!
**Related articles**
Residents, Uninc. · Sycamore St. studio · Ralph Records · *Vileness Fats* · The Cryptic Corporation · Porno/Graphics · Collectors' Box series · **Dick Clark** · James Brown · The Rolling Stones · The Beatles