Fake TPOT 48: Soon As We May/part 3

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
Click **here** to return to the previous part.

"**Soon As We May**" is the non-canon forty-eighth episode and the season finale of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 10 January 1990. Since the second to fifth episodes of *Real TPOT* have already been released in the real world, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

Old shameless plug from 1 January 2023

I must link you to them here, namely because two of them have apparently been shadowbanned. Here they are:

Click **HERE** to chat with Pen.
Click **HERE** to chat with Pencil.
Click **HERE** to chat with Match.

Another note: With the competition, you know, *dead*, the second half of this episode is basically a soap opera. And not necessarily a good one.

## Post-victory, *13 November 1989*

### **Fovitwe Arena** – Almost evening

**Scene**Continued from the previous scene. By now the sun is about to set and Two is growing noticeably nervous. They still manage to express their happiness at Black Hole's victory.
#### Top of the Tec

* **Two**: *MURNA, MURNA, MURNA DA NASARA!*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wh- what? I won?
* **Two**: You sure did! Once more, congrats!

[*Many of the contestants rush over to Black Hole to congratulate him. Or because they're curious to see what he'll do with Two's powers.* **Two** *briefly disappears from the scene, their smile fading as they go.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*trying to speak above the crowd*] Alright, Pen, I'll meet you at the Steakhouse; I'll just collect the kids and Match, aye... [*faltering*] 'cos she can't find her way upstairs... 'cos she never... did this show. Yeah.

[*Meanwhile, in the middle of the Tec.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Black Hole, how does it feel now that you've gained TPOT?
* **P****en**: Yeah, I wouldn't have won it in a billion years!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I didn't really do anything. Guess I just... floated through the competition.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ha. Ha. Ha.
* **Li****y**: Oh, stop being so humble, BH!
* **B****o****k**: Jante's law doesn't apply, you know.
* **Bot****tle**: And even though I didn't vote for you, you still rock! Sorry, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's no problem. I know we're all going to be very happy with what Two gives him.
* **Bot****tle**: True that!
* **Golf Ball**: Everybody, out of the way!

[*All gasp.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Don't gasp like that, I think she's about to give a speech!
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*Aside, to Tennis Ball.*] Just as planned.

[*Golf Ball clears her throat. The large screens in the arena show her about to speak.*]

* **Golf Ball**: I need to say that coming second this season has left me feeling most conflicted. To think I did not come in first after all the hard work and effort I put into this competition! For 6,538 days, 3 hours and 48 minutes I have been wishing and hoping...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*Aside.*] And thinkin'. And prayin'.
* **Golf Ball**: And it's frustrating to come so close and *not* win! But on the other hand, I cannot deny that I am relieved, relieved that I do not have to deal with the pressure and attention that comes with being the champion. Besides, I think a great job will be done with Two's powers by... someone who's not me.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What was that, Golf Ball?
* **Golf Ball**: Black Hole, let me give credit where credit is due. As some people will tell you, congratulations. You were a cosmically formidable opponent and I'm proud to have competed against you and the rest of the contestants. I may not have liked everyone at the beginning of the season, but I've come to appreciate them all a little more by the end. Especially after they voted for me.

[*Everyone applauds Golf Ball's surprisingly good sportsmanship. Even Pencil stops in her tracks.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's, that's amazing. I'm very glad that the change of heart, that you were considering in the bunker, has proved effective.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You really are the master of office politics, girl.
* **Golf Ball**: To be honest, this show is exhausting and I wanted to announce Tennis Ball's and my retirement from future shows altogether.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Wait, that's not what I—
* **Golf Ball**: *Buuut!*
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: GB, I wouldn't mind competing for a few years.
* **Golf Ball**: ***BUT!*** I'll let Black Hole have his moment in the spotlight. He may give his victory speech.

[**Golf Ball** *leaves the centre of the Tec to give Black Hole (more or less literal) space.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Who says it's better in the centre of attention?

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**. *The contestants cheer because they are happy.*]

* **Two**: Black Hole!
* **Pi****e**: He is about to make his speech.
* **Winner**: About winnering. This could be good!
* **Ar****esko**: Want to hear it, Two?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Er, well, you see... I don't have a speech planned. I was firmly expecting that someone other than me would win.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*pointing at him*] Ooh-wee. Do you see the humility in this man?
* **Two**: So could everybody please get out of the way? It's not befitting for a Grand Cake to mingle with the contestants. Or *ex-*contestants, for that matter.

[*Everyone backs up.* **Winner** *quietly slides down the Tec to go into the audience.*]

* **C****a****ke**: No way, you get a cake too?
* **Two**: No, I don't get the cake, "Two". Black Hole does for winning. See?

[*Two presents Black Hole with a Grand Cake: a horrific* smörgåsbord *of all the "prizes" awarded at previous Cake at Stakes, from the first episode to the penultimate (including, for some reason, the cakes awarded to rejoiners and débutants).*]

* **All**: Oooh!
* **Two**: And do you all want to know what's in it? [*to the camera*] I've stuck the recipe on the back in case you want to make something like this at home.

[*The camera lingers on the paper recipe taped to the back of the cake as Black Hole talks.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, thanks.
* **B****o****k**: Yeah, I feel like the less I know about it the better.

[*Bubble, standing next to her, nods meekly.*]

* **Two**: Good. Now, if I were to list all the details of this two-rrific contraption, we'd be done in 1992 or so. And we *don't* want that! So... er... enjoy your Grand Cake, Black Hole!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Thank you. [*to Remote*] Want a share?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: The recipe says, you also get the permission to name a team, a slightly bigger brain, a free room at Two's First Hotel (that no longer exists) and... nothing.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: In that case, chomp chomp chomp.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And I can have the items, that most people wouldn't class as food.

[*Black Hole begins to suck up one piece of the Grand Cake up after the other.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ah, just what I wanted.
* **Two**: Now that that's taken care of, I can finally get back on the telephone!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Wait, Two!
* **Two**: [*slightly annoyed*] What is it, Clock? Don't forget: the sun's nearly below the horizon and soon I won't even be your responsibility any more.
* **Ko****s****r****ae**: That's because he's been my responsibility since I got here, haha!
* **Two**: Good one, Kosrae! But seriously, Clock, what do you want?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You forgot to give Black Hole his power! The power of *you!*
* **S****a****m****i****r**: The power of *Twoooo!*

[*Two looks at Black Hole, who is sharing some of his edible prize with Remote.*]

* **Two**: Oh, that's right. [*calling out*] *Oh, Black Hole!* Could you come here for a second?

[*Black Hole floats over.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes, Two?
* **Two**: You haven't received your powers yet!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, that's right.

[*Remote and the other contestants rush over to Two and Black Hole. (Again with the rushing!)*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's powers time.
* **Pi****e**: What are you going to do with them?
* **Li****y**: Like, tell us already!
* **Golf Ball**: I lost for this!
* **Two**: As the wonderful, object-loving host that I've become, I am going to offer you a choice.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I don't want a million dollars from a fast food joint.
* **Two**: Not that! *You*, dear winning one, have two options.

[*Two pulls up two fingers, naturally.*]

* **Two**: Option one is to win all the unlimited powers I currently possess. Option two: you can tell me the one thing you want most and I'll use my own powers to conjure it up for you, so you can enjoy to your core's content. But remember: if you choose option two, you won't get any powers. So...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hmm... uh...
* **T****r****e****e**: I'd like to see you with the limitless power.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: It's his choice, Tree; he won. You got sixteenth place, my friend.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*in the background, with Match and the kids*] *Ohhhh, that was so bloody brutal, mate!*
* **T****r****e****e**: Ee-yeah. I was tied for fifteenth. It's, it's one place higher in a sense.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Can I have a little time to think about it, please?
* **Two**: Hey hey hey, I've a better idea. Why don't you take my powers for now?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Then I do win your powers.
* **Two**: Unless you decide to get the Core's Desire prize instead. Just think of this as a trial run for my limitless power, and think quickly. The sun's about to go down, so take 'em. Take 'em!

[*Bright yellow waves of indeterminate shape—the Power of Two properly so called—emanate from Two's hands and finally escape them. The Power of Two flies over to Black Hole... and, as morbidly expected, he sucks it up.*]

* **?**: Chomp.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ut!

[*Two has no reaction.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Okay. I want to make it absolutely clear. I did *not*—
* **Two**: Black Hole, you have sucked up the last of my powers! Not that there's any more of me—believe me, *one* Two is enough to deal with—but now there's no more Power of Two left on this planet!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, maybe there's an alternate world out there, where someone like Yellow Face, has gained your powers, instead of an old sucker like me. Right?
* **Yellow Face**: [*off-screen*] *YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!*
* **P****en**: What will Two do next? Find out after the break!

[*Tree takes Pen's invisible microphone and hits him on the head with it.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Two, um, maybe you should calm down.
* **Two**: ***What did you just say?!*** I mean... [*sighs*] Oh, you're right, bronze-o. But if I haven't got the Power of Two, and Black Hole hasn't got the Power of Two... what will he win? He can't just float away from a 17-year competition without winning anything; that would break the Obcom Broadcasting Code!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well... there was that prize you promised earlier, the one where I get the thing I want the most. So I can enjoy to my core's content.
* **Two**: You're right.
* **Golf Ball**: You're always right, Two! There has never been a moment during your hosting when you've done anything but be right. You are a paragon of exactitude, Two.
* **Two**: Obcom doesn't say anything about a second-place prize, Golf Ball, so I haven't anything for you.
* **Golf Ball**: In that case, you reek with wrongness. Come, entourage, let's get dinner.

[*Exit* **Golf Ball**, *with* **Tennis Ball**, **Basketball** *and* **Grassy**.]

* **Two**: So is there anything you'd really like me to get for you? Something I can get in the next few minutes maybe?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Er... well... there are two things I've wanted, things I've seen other people have, that I can't help but be a bit jealous of, because I lack them.
* **Two**: What was that? I lost you after you said *two*.
* **T****r****e****e**: Two, Black Hole wants one of two things.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: *Please*, you forgot the *please*.
* **T****r****e****e**: Please.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*Aside.*] And I forgot the *please*.
* **Two**: Which things do you want? And please, tell me quickly. I may have... [*gulps*] given you most of the things I can do, but my ability to conjure things up using just my imagination has not yet vanished. I hope. So what's your deepest desire in the universe?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: In the universe? Hmm. I've always wanted to have a visible face and limbs, and maybe a last name. Yeah, d- definitely a last name.
* **Ma****r****ker**: I didn't know that!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hence its being the *deepest*. I usually keep these things hidden.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Deeper than, I don't know, a personal connection?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*confused*] Er, sure?

[*Remote looks a bit offended. The look contempt on her face grows as the others speak.*]

* **Two**: Hmm... I'm afraid I can't do that at the moment. Don't sue me, the show doesn't technically end until midnight. But I can come up with a face 2.763 minutes after the first sunset.
* **Pi****e**: That's an oddly specific rule. Who made it up?
* **Pill****ow**: I did, before they were born!
* **Fan****ny**: I hate the very idea of Two's birth!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Black Hole... you never told me you wanted those things over me. I thought we were friends.

[*Black Hole looks away for a second.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We *are* friends, Remote. I've just never mentioned it before; I didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: A big deal? But it is a big deal. To the max. You have no idea what I value in our relationship, do you? And now you want something that only the most die-hard fans give a chiz about. I mean, look around, mister: do you see anyone here who goes by a surname?
* **T****V**: [*displaying the contestant file of "Mrs. Golfball B. Ball" on his screen*] Golf Ball does.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: TV, shh!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's like you don't even care about me. You might as well be fluttering the arms you don't have... and probably don't even deserve.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*slightly offended*] Remote...

[*Everyone else gradually falls silent as the conversation continues.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just thought it would be nice to have a meaningful name to have floating around, like Pen's kids.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's not just the name, you know. It's... I... [*trails off*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Is this about when you said you were born, when you were really manufactured?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Do not say that.*

[*Complete silence.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't remember nothing about my past—I can't even dream of one like you can—but I know I've got one. I know there's more to me than you think there is, Black Hole. I'm no non-durable good. I'm a person.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's not what I meant, Remote. You're a real person to me. I'm sorry I said that; I do respect you, and all that.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Say whatever the hell you like, but I need some time to process this.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Where will you go? Can we do this together?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No. Just keep your prize and your new name, Black Hole, or whatever it is. But today you lost a friendship.

[**Remote** *jumps down from the Tec and lands right on her feet, clearly upset.*]

* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: [*Aside.*] I've never seen her cry battery acid before.
* **B****o****k**: Well, this is a little awkward. Come on, Icy, let's find Bracelety.
* **Ice Cube**: Yeah...

[**Bok** *and* **Ice Cube** *do the same.* *The other contestants still on the platform look at Black Hole with shock. He is almost speechless.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I... I didn't...

[*A most awkward silence.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: The winner needs alone time. Pardon me.

[*Black Hole retreats to a part of the Tec where the fewest people can see him. Not that it matters, because the audience have already dispersed to different parts of the arena and many start to leave the set.* **Cloudy** *floats* **Nickel** *and* **Rocky** *down to avoid the awkwardness.* **Puffball** *does the same to* **Umtaya** *and* **Yellow Face** *on the other side of the fixture.*]

* **P****i****n**: Uh, Pencil... Maybe we should...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right-o. Match, take the kids to the steakhouse.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): [*runs off*] *Foooood!*
* **Eraser**: [*chasing him*] Don't let me get there first!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Will you be okay, Mother?
* **Y****es****a**: She's fine.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yesa's right. I just feel it's my duty to support a fellow woman in distress. You'd understand it if you had girlfriends.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): I'm the last person to whom that statement applies.

[**Pin** *and* **Pencil** *begin to climb down the ladders to the non-raised part of the arena (even though they could just take the slide, as* **Match**, **Eraser** *and the* **kids** *are doing). A quick view from above shows that the concrete since the beginning of Cake at Stake has given way to grass, although the risers still retain their composition and shape.*]

* **Fan****ny**: Oi, wait for us, wenches!

[*Pencil and Pin stop and look up to see* **Fanny**, **Pillow** *and* **Pie** *approaching the ladder area.*]

* **Pi****e**: Never fear, the pact are here.
* **P****i****n**: Ooh, that's good. A posse of Remote's old and new friends will sure be enough to make her feel better. [*giggles*]
* **Fan****ny**: I hate giggling!
* **P****i****n**: I'm sorry, but we look like an old version of that sorority Lisa wants to join next year.

[*She and the others begin to climb down, Fanny holding onto Pin for no other reason than her more intense hatred of Pencil.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: So where's Liy gone?
* **Pill****ow**: Liy has returned to her prison cell!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Not after a few minutes, though, right?
* **Pill****ow**: I think she's going to rot in there and eventually die a violent death.
* **Pi****e**: Now, Pillow, Liy may have an American accent, but she's from the "rest of the world" like us.
* **Pill****ow**: True! But I did lose my heart on the other side of the universe.
* **Fan****ny**: That and your brain!
* **Bot****tle**: Ooh, ooh, no party-paw-sun *moi!*

[**Bottle**, *late to the party, runs over to the group. She is followed by* **Eggy**, **Foldy** *and* **Bell**.]

* **E****g****gy**: Wai-wai-wait, Bottle, let us take each of your legs!
* **F****old****y**: Yeah, I'm not floating down this thing. People might judge me.
* **Bot****tle**: [*still smiling*] Oh no! You'll be more disliked than ever!

[*Eggy and Foldy grab Bottle's legs and nearly end up in Pin's face. Bell lowers herself with about the same speed.*]

* **P****i****n**: Ah! Why couldn't you carry them down, Bell?
* **B****e****ll**: Because it puts a lot of pressure on my string, and you know we're supposed to be pressure-free starting from today!
* **P****i****n**: That's fair.
* **E****g****gy**: See how that's turning out right now, huh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Since when did you care about Remote's well-being, Foldy?
* **F****old****y**: I don't. It's been about twenty minutes, so I'm just going down to reunite with Stapy.
* **B****e****ll**: And I'm going to watch!
* **E****g****gy**: And I'm going to laugh at everything she says.
* **F****old****y**: You know, this is why Melanie's so messed up.
* **E****g****gy**: Say that to her mother's face, missy! I'm not above mind-only slap fights!
* **P****e****nci****l**: My sainted aunt, one issue at a time now...

[**Marker** *goes down the slide instead. Bell pogs at this.*]

* **Ma****r****ker**: Wheeeeee!
* **B****e****ll**: Hey, girls, did you know there's a slide up here? I just noticed! [*laughs*]

[*Pause.*]

* **[** **E****g****gy** · **F****old****y** **]**: Go to hell, Bell!

## Divergence

### **Top of the Tec (cont'd)**

**Scene**Dramatic timpani hit, accompanied by ephemeral, equally dramatic music. So begins the Divergence, the first scene in the series to take place after the competition, though not exactly the start of a happy ending. A cross-section view of the arena shows that more than half of the former contestants have already descended from the Tec to be reunited with their loved ones or to comfort Remote, while the rest remain at the top, most of them not knowing what to do. Camera focus on Two and the 12 accidental members of their "innermost circle": **Aresko**, **Barf Bag**, **Battery**, **Clock**, **Coiny**, **Donut**, **Fries**, **Gaty**, **Nonexisty**, **Profily**, **Saw** and **Snowball**.

**Bomby**, **Cake**, **Naily**, **Needle**, **Price Tag**, **Robot Flower** and **TV** remain idle in the background, while **Lightning**, **Pen** and **Tree** keep **Black Hole** company in the back, in his lingering state of surprise and shock.

**Two** stares at the sky: the sun begins to sink faster than expected. They start pacing around, much to the confusion of the others (who care).

#### Two

* **Barf** **Bag**: Uh, Two? What's up?
* **Two**: I could say the same. [*points at the sky*] The five of you...
* **Nonexisty**: Six.
* **Two**: The six of you are all huddled together. You resemble penguins.
* **Snowball**: Would that it were, O Twain one. I delight in those droll auks of Terra Australis.
* **Donut**: Yeah, we're just waiting for our families to show up. Not everyone's as punctual as Clock makes his folks out to be.
* **Ar****esko**: And I like to huddle!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Ugh, what's taking them so long? I'm growing impatient.
* **G****at****y**: They're probably still shocked about what happened up here, Fries.
* **Two**: Why? What happened up here?
* **G****at****y**: They just found out that Lisa Stansfield isn't *really* popular all around the world. /s

[*Two blinks twice.*]

* **Two**: Anyway, I'd appreciate it if you family folk were, er, gathered on the other side of the Tec. Maybe where I can't possibly see you. [*fake crying*] I don't want to be reminded that you're no longer under my hostnumbership!
* **Donut**: The digit has spoken.
* **Ar****esko**: [*cheerily*] Ta-ta!

[**Barf Bag**, **Donut**, **Fries** *and* **Nonexisty** *move to the side to join* **Clock**. **Snowball** *closely follows behind them.*]

* **Barf** **Bag**: Snowball, why are you following us?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Yeah, you don't have a family. Just bastard offspring who never speak to you.
* **Snowball**: Yea, but since mine awakening have I e'er yearned how 'tis to have one.

[*Two claps twice: they have been left alone with* **Gaty**, **Saw**, **Aresko** *and* **Coiny**.]

* **G****at****y**: Shouldn't you be over there too, Coiny?
* **Co****i****ny**: What? Oh yeah, I should. But tell me, Gaty. [*puts his arm around her *shoulder**]
* **G****at****y**: Don't do that.
* **Co****i****ny**: If I put it around Saw, I'd get seriously hurt! But tell me. [*clears throat*] Why would either of my kids be with me? Their mother just woke up for the first time in months. They're most likely celebrating at the Steakhouse, not here up on this ol' rickety thing!
* **Lin****co****l****n**: [*who has climbed up*] That was some show, Dad!
* **Co****i****ny**: Not now, Linc! Go downstairs, okay?
* **Lin****co****l****n**: 'Kay.

[*Exit. Two winces.*]

* **Two**: Oong!
* **Ar****esko**: That's a sound I've never heard from you before. Er, what's it mean?
* **Two**: ***OONG! OONG!***
* **S****aw**: What's shaking, Two?
* **Two**: It's... it's the *sky!*
* **G****at****y**: Then don't look at the sky.
* **Two**: Good idea. [*turns around*]
* **S****aw**: [*points*] Wait, what's that shining light up there?

[*Gaty makes the same face that Golf Ball and Tree made in BFB 13.*]

* **G****at****y**: Tricky. That's what you can be sometimes, Saw. Tricky.
* **S****aw**: Huh?

[*Two sighs.*]

* **Two**: Let's just go down.
* **Co****i****ny**: You'd really leave these contestants up here?
* **Two**: Well, they're not my contestants any more, are they?
* **Co****i****ny**: Good point. To the slide we go!
* **Two**: You lead us, Aresko! [*fade out, as the camera pans away*] See, I'm allowed to say that 'cos I've been relieved of my emcee duties.

#### Black Hole

[**Lightning** *and* **Tree** *sit side-by-side, acting as* **Black Hole***'s unofficial bodyguards. They appear calm and collected as they keep him away from the vaguely curious crowd. Meanwhile,* **Pen** *appears to be writing in the air, smiling. Enter* **Gregg**.]

* **G****r****e****g****g**: Hello.
* **T****r****e****e**: Hey, agappy.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: What the heck's agappy?
* **T****r****e****e**: It's butchered Greek.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: I didn't see what happened down earlier but I could feel something was wrong. [*sees Pen*] What's he doing?
* **T****r****e****e**: He's signing autographs on Two's display things.
* **P****en**: I'm telling you, this is fun. Why don't we do this all the time?

[*On the big screen in the arena, Pen's fingers trace his signature as the audience members wave their futuristic touchscreens in the air to capture his autograph. Guest star* **Chandeliea Clark** *calls out to him, hoping he can hear her. He can.*]

* **Cha****n****d****e****l****iea**: Thanks, now! Leave a message for me, huh?
* **P****en**: [*shouting down*] *Okeydoke! Oh, what the hey, I'll even personalize it for ya!*
* **Cha****n****d****e****l****iea**: Oh, Benny! You're the best!
* **P****en**: *I know I am, but let's keep this relationship a Perrier-social one, eh?*
* **T****r****e****e**: This isn't said often, but I think I'll miss you a little after tonight, Pen.
* **P****en**: Don't worry, I'll call you every day!

[*Both Tree and Black Hole sigh. Tree's sigh is of normal length and ends at an expected time; Black Hole's, however, is so long, melodramatic and filled with an uncharacteristic level of anguish that it makes Lightning, Tree and Gregg turn around.*]

* **P****en**: I'll call you too, buddy!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No need to worry, guys. I'm fine.
* **T****r****e****e**: You don't sound fine to me.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Oh no, are you upset about what Remote said to you earlier?
* **T****r****e****e**: No, Lightning, he's upset because he just found out that Lisa Stansfield—
* **G****at****y**: [*off-screen*] Uh, I already made a sarcastic joke about that.
* **T****r****e****e**: Sorry, Gaty.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's just... I didn't expect this to happen today. First I win the whole series, and it's led to my best friend leaving me in a rage, and *that* has left me in unfamiliar territory. And yet, it feels awfully familiar.
* **T****r****e****e**: It does sound familiar but. As if it's happened before.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, Season 1. My dream. Don't you remember, Pen?

[*Pen turns around.*]

* **P****en**: What?
* **T****r****e****e**: You were in the first season. Remember a similar situation in the finale with the winner and runner-up?
* **P****en**: Oh, uh... it didn't happen to me. No, I got twelfth place because I got 144 votes. And it wasn't Eraser or Pencil either. Uh...

[*Enter* **Firey** *and* **Leafy**, *who look particularly mirthful. They are flanked by an equally happy* **Winner**, **Flower** *and the* **winner of Season 11** *(censored for spoiler reasons: the finale was filmed in October 1989, although their episode will be aired after this one)*, *all of whom know nothing of what has just happened earlier.*]

* **Fi****r****ey**: Hello!
* **Le****a****f****y**: Congratulations on your victory, Black Hole!
* **P****en**: [*finger guns*] Firey, Leafy, that's it! A-ha, for a moment I almost forgot who it was.
* **Fi****r****ey**: I say the same thing when I try to find out who's on *Rescue 112*.
* **T****r****e****e**: Hi, Winner, Leafy, Firey, Flower... and... oh.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: My cloud,  censored Season 11 winner , you won Season 11?

[*The censored Season 11 winner speaks up. Whoever it is, they speak in a voice that has been deliberately distorted.*]

* **censored** **Season 11 winner** : I did. But don't tell anyone; my episode comes out right after the *Fission: Impossible* finale!
* **P****en**: Gosh, I hate to leave a party, but I'd better make tracks. I have a show to headline tonight!
* **Winner**: We wouldn't miss it for the world.
* **P****en**: I knew I could count on yous. [*finger guns Black Hole*] And don't forget to put on a happy face, champ!

[*Exit* **Pen**, *laughing in good faith.*]

* **Fl****ow****er**: No offence, but I hope your world blows up before dinner.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It is as if I'm three people closer to being alone. /s
* **Le****a****f****y**: But you're not alone!

[*Leafy almost puts her arm around Black Hole before it begins to warp around him.*]

* **Le****a****f****y**: Heheh, you almost spaghettified me!
* **Fi****r****ey**: Save the pasketti business for the Steakhouse! They do serve spagg in the African branches, don't they?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*very slightly annoyed*] Mmh. Have any of us interacted before? I mean... guys. I don't want to be rude, but... what are you doing here?
* **Winner**: We're here to take you to a very special winners-only zone.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Winners-only zone?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: As an acronym, that spells WOZ!
* **censored** **Season 11 winner** : It is an honour and, like, totally a privilege-o.
* **T****r****e****e**: You really think people won't know who you are,  censored Season 11 winner ?
* **censored** **Season 11 winner** : Ush-hay, Ee-tray the ee-POTer-tay.

[*Black Hole floats between the two of them.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: When I'm there, er… can I be alone?
* **Fl****ow****er**: Of course not, silly! Ever heard of the Winners' Seesaw?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I try not to think of such things before the fact.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: I didn't know you owned a seesaw, Winner.
* **Winner**: [*laughs*] It's more like a playground equipment co-operative that I started in Berlin with some other people with my name. You know: Winner Schmidt, Winner Seidel, Winner Schönherr and me. Winner Semenow. I'm allowed to use it because, eh, it's rather obvious.
* **T****r****e****e**: If it's German, it's most likely efficient. May I have a look at it?
* **Fl****ow****er**: Did you not hear them a few seconds ago, Tree? Winners only!

[*Flower dramatically puts her hands on her hips.*]

* **Fl****ow****er**: Du-u-uh!
* **Le****a****f****y**: Maybe we shouldn't be so harsh on a fellow plant. This should be a happy time!
* **Winner**: And a happy time this will be. C'mon, let's go down the slide! [*goes down*] Wheeee...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You go do that, I guess. I'll float down myself, and see if Remote looks up at me, you know, if I'm ready to make that sort of move, at the moment.
* **Fi****r****ey**: [*oblivious*] Hey, why don't you use your b*hl*ack hole powers to get us down faster?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Er... yeah. Okay, you can orbitize me. [*sighs*] See you later, boys?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: We'll meet again at the Steakhouse.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I look forward to it as much as I can. Bye.

[**Black Hole** *floats down from the Tec while* **Firey**, **Leafy**, **Flower** *and the* **Season 11 winner** *orbit him, leaving Gregg, Tree and Lightning alone with the others on the Tec. Due to the technology of the time, the S11 winner's censor box is out of place for about 3 or 4 frames—particularly shrewd viewers may inadvertently know who won that season a few months early. Whoops!*]

* **Le****a****f****y**: We are totally not taking advantage of you!

### **Descending**

**Scene**Led by **Aresko**, **Two** and the rest of their current crew (**Gaty**, **Saw** and **Coiny**) climb down the ladders leading to and from the Tec, a much unpopular option when they could have used the slide like most of the others.
#### Two

* **G****at****y**: I can't believe we're really going down the ladder. The slide was right in front of us!
* **Winner**: [*going down*] ...eeeeeee....
* **Ar****esko**: True. But if we just slid down, we wouldn't have as much time to spend with each other.
* **Two**: That was an adorable thing to say, Aresko. To think I'm going the same way as you for a change. [*realizing*] Only because my teleportation powers were so cruelly taken away from me! [*fake cries again*]
* **G****at****y**: I know, but I thought that after this finale we'd be doing less, you know, Fovitwe work.
* **Ar****esko**: Don't you deliver the post here?
* **G****at****y**: So I do.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **S****aw**: I'm serious, Coiny! There's something, like, totally weird in the sky. [*whispers*] There's a star that wasn't there before.

[*Saw points to a small star in the sky, which changes colour much more quickly than stars usually do.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: You know, Saw, sometimes you can be a real... [*hesitates*]
* **S****aw**: A real what?
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh, I can't bear myself to say it.
* **G****at****y**: Don't say "conspiracy theorist". That's my lady you're talking about, to and/or at.
* **Co****i****ny**: I was going to say astronomer, chh! Isn't that what you got your major in during the break, Saw?
* **S****aw**: Heck yeah, baby!
* **Two**: Well, whatever this so-called "star" is, I'm not going to look at it. I'll be just like an ostrich with my head in the sand—in the casual style of a host who's just lost their show, of course.
* **G****at****y**: Ostriches do look like Two.
* **Two**: That's right! Suppose I'm a bit easier on the eyes, though.

### **Winners' Seesaw**

**Scene**A bit of an awkward scene. **Black Hole** is hovering near a tree, watching in melancholy as **Flower** rides the Winners' Seesaw against **Firey** and **Leafy** (who seem to be lighter than Flower, even when sitting on top of each other), while **Winner** and the **Season 11 winner** chat in the background. For about a quarter of a second, the censor bar accidentally appears over Winner instead of the S11 contestant who is meant to remain anonymous. Firey, still oblivious to everything, calls out to Black Hole to join him.
#### Black Hole

* **Fi****r****ey**: B*hl*ack Hole! B*hl*ack Hole! Gravitationally influence us, B*hl*ack Hole!

[*Black Hole sighs.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So this is what it's come down to.
* **Fi****r****ey**: Come on, bro, we can't totter if you don't teeter!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*Aloud.*] Are, are you calling me weightless?
* **Le****a****f****y**: Um, Firey, this calls for what conversionists call a "segue".

[*Winner approaches Black Hole while the Season 11 winner holds down Flower's side of the seesaw.*]

* **Winner**: Hey, BH.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hi.
* **Winner**: I sort of heard what happened with you and Remote.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You did?
* **Winner**: Yeah, I had my ear to the ground.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Then you'd know, that I *am* scared. That I don't know how she would react, if she saw me now.
* **Winner**: You do look like you've got a lot on your mind.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You could tell? I mean, I do. I don't know where to start. Why did Remote and I part so quickly? Why does she keep this secret about her past life? [*Pause.*] Why is Leafy at the Winners' Seesaw?
* **Le****a****f****y**: [*who has been eavesdropping*] It's because Firey's my husband, and *I love him!*
* **Fi****r****ey**: She *hl*oves me!
* **Fl****ow****er**: [*quite bored*] She loves him.
* **Le****a****f****y**: ♫ And where he goes, I'll follow! ♫
* **Fi****r****ey**: ♫ She'll fo*hl*ow! ♫
* **Fl****ow****er**: She'll follow.
* **Le****a****f****y**: ♫ He'll always be my true love! ♫
* **Fi****r****ey**: ♫ Her true *hl*ove! ♫
* **Fl****ow****er**: What is this, the Fireafy Jubilee Singers?

[*Flower gets up from the seesaw. Leafy slides over to the other side.*]

* **Fi****r****ey**: I can't wait for that song to have re*hl*igious significance.
* **Fl****ow****er**: Hey, Ruby, meet me where you can't see the Seesaw, will ya? I'll worship you if you worship me!
* **R****u****b****y**: [*off-screen*] At your service, my florid queen!

[*Exit* **Flower**.]

* **Le****a****f****y**: Pretending we don't have 47 children is so much fun, Firebrand!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I think I'll go too. [*going*]
* **Winner**: Aw, you're leaving too? But you'll miss the special guest! I was lucky there was no wall for me to go through and get him for you.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*stops*] Oh, no. You don't mean...
* **Winner**: Oh, yes, I do.

### **Bottom of the Tec (New Grassyland)**

**Scene**The bottom of the Fovitwe Arena, which Two had reconverted before losing their powers, is what has become colloquially known as "New Grassyland"—not on account of the ex-contestant, but because it is quite literally a grassy land. Although this is a rather isolated spot away from the centre of the arena, we can see hundreds, perhaps thousands, of recommended characters wandering aimlessly about the Fove, many of them on their way out—possibly even more than those who have stayed to watch the drama to see if there really is an end to it.

In the foreground is **Remote**, surrounded by her friends and female pactmates (**Fanny**, **Pencil**, **Pie**, **Pin**) who have come to try and comfort her in her hour of sorrow. **Pillow** stands in the background with a smile on her face, clearly not giving a fluff as she removes any bystanders who get too close. **Bottle** takes an intermediate position, stood between her and the larger group.
#### Remote

* **E****g****gy**: So you really don't know your own origin story, Remote? Big whoop. I wish I never knew about my egg-ception.
* **Pill****ow**: Bye, Eggy!

[*Pillow picks* **Eggy** *up and flings her away.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Nice you're here to act as Remote's bodyguard, Pillow.
* **Pill****ow**: Just putting my powers to work!
* **Bot****tle**: Yeah! Who needs any of that poppycock unlimited anyway?
* **Pill****ow**: Hey, look, a snail! Join me, Bottle!
* **Bot****tle**: But I'd rather look up at that colourful star in the sky!

[*Bottle points and lies down on the grass.*]

* **P****i****n**: I can't believe you didn't get an origin story from that enhancement you got.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You mean my upgrade? [*looks down, embarrassed*]
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, that.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Of course it didn't. Whoever put it there probably wants me to forget my life before the seminary.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You really think there is one, innit?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I must have had a past life somewhere, somehow. I just know it. Ha. Little do they know that my upgrade didn't come with the suppression of my memories. It came with their partial exposure. Now I just have to go all the way through.
* **Pi****e**: Wouldn't it be a gas if you were a conspiracy theorist in a previous life?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Why would that be funny?
* **Pi****e**: Oops. I meant to say astronomer. [*Beat.*] Too soon?

[**Bok** *and* **Ice Cube** *approach the group. Pillow doesn't seem to notice for a few seconds, but she turns around slowly—still smiling—while the others talk.*]

* **B****o****k**: Remote, I can make you a backstory if you want. I've been wanting to try out my new creative skills.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Thanks, but when it comes to where I come from, I'd rather know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
* **B****o****k**: Hey, maybe you come from a line of attorneys!

[*Pillow stretches out her right arm to where Bok is standing, without even considering the fact that Bottle is in the way.*]

* **Bot****tle**: Hee hee! That tickles!

[**Bottle** *gets shattered in the process. Pillow—still smiling—then picks Bok up.*]

* **Pill****ow**: Bye, Bok! [*giggles and throws her off-screen*]
* **B****o****k**: What about our former teeeeeeeam? [*Exit.*]
* **Pill****ow**: I still tolerate you somewhat!
* **Ice Cube**: I wish you all the best, but this was never my problem. [*as loudly as she can*] Wait for me! [*Exit.*]

[*Remote lies down and sighs.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's alright. I know there's more to me than meets the eye. And I suppose that's what I wanted him to see in me. But he doesn't want that. He just wants an earthly face and a name of his own. He's so selfish.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Khh. Men.
* **P****i****n**: *Unmarried* men.
* **Pi****e**: If Fanny were looking this way, she'd say she hated such people. Fanny. Oi. Fanny. Fanny.
* **Fan****ny**: ***WHAT?*** Can't you see I'm busy trying not to scream?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why's that?

[*Everyone turns to see the remains of Bottle, the first ex-contestant to die after Two's recovery powers were removed from their possession. They then look at Pillow.*]

* **Pill****ow**: That's what happens when you avoid a urocyclid!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh chiz.

### **Winners' Seesaw**

**Scene****Winner** impatiently checks their watch while **Black Hole** sits, looking rather bored. The **Season 11 winner** can be seen doing cheap walk cycles in circles, knowing full well that they won't be seen in the first airing; while **Firey** and **Leafy** continue to play on the Winners' Seesaw. **Ruby** worships **Flower** in the background, while **Needle**, just as far away, speaks into the phone box that was previously in the back of the Fove.
* **Need****le**: [*on the phone*] Yes, Mum, I promise I'll get you a souvenir from Flat 10. The one that says "I watched the TPOT finale live and all I got was this rubbish power suit"...

#### Black Hole

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's an interesting-looking watch. All the numbers on it read 2.
* **Winner**: Chur! It's pretty useless if you can't tell time but... heheh... I got it on sale at Tew's.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Where else?
* **Winner**: Agh, but when's he coming? Thought Germans were supposed to be punctual.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You do know he signed up for Season 10 before the behind-the-scenes brass sold it to, um, the Wild East.
* **Winner**: I know. But this is such a momentous occasion; oh, I really wanted you to meet him.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I will, I will.

[*A purple hippie van suddenly pulls up near the Winners' Seesaw.*]

* **Winner**: Ah, he's here!
* **Fi****r****ey**: Hey, what's with the van? Is it ours now?
* **Le****a****f****y**: I bet it is, Firey!
* **Fi****r****ey**: We're so used to things going our way. *Hl*et's take it for a spin!
* **Le****a****f****y**: Race you there in a pious fashion!

[*Suddenly, the driver's door opens and out steps* **Ann Kigh**, *another special guest star—best known for his rôle in the 1975 object show* The Waiting Room, *and who would go on to win BFDI's tenth season (1985–1988) in the GDR.* *Ann has a rather involuntarily dazed look on his face as he holds his head and straightens his tie, steadying himself.*]

* **censored** **Season 11 winner** : No way, it's him!
* **A****n****n**: Oh, I am so sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic. You wouldn't believe the mess out there. If I weren't in a jovial mood I'd be outraged over infrastructure. And trust me: that wouldn't make anyone look good, least of all me.
* **Winner**: Ann! I can call you that, eh?
* **A****n****n**: Of course. I mean, I did cross over from the dark side. Thank goodness I'm no longer based in the valley of the clueless.
* **Winner**: Perfect! Black Hole, I'd like you to meet Ann.
* **A****n****n**: *Personalchef* Ann Kigh, actually. Just decided to combine my pre–Season 10 name and my stage name.
* **Le****a****f****y**: Why, what was your stage name? Sorry, I never got around to watching your season. Dear Hubby and I consider it thoroughly anti-American.
* **Fi****r****ey**: And we never got to watch *Waiting Room* either 'cause we were busy being fruits and multip*hl*ying.
* **A****n****n**: Well, my name on the show was Kristin Irmgard Gisela Hannelore. A woman's name, I know. I am a regular Carroll O'Connor.
* **Fi****r****ey**: *Hl*eslie Nielsen's more *hl*ike it. And you're a man doing plinko commie TV?
* **Le****a****f****y**: *Firey!* You'll have to excuse him, kind sir; he named our fifteenth daughter Firey Disco Sucks to prove a point about his masculinity.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*sighs*] Nice to meet you, Ann.

[*Ann glances over at Winner, confused.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm sorry.
* **A****n****n**: What's wrong?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I won TPOT.
* **A****n****n**: Oh, congrats. From one winner to another, that's nothing to feel sorry about.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's just... I ate Two's powers by accident.
* **A****n****n**: You *ate* Two's powers?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And now Remote's not talking to me, because she overheard what I said to Two, what I wanted most as a prize.
* **A****n****n**: That's too bad. Anything I can do to help, *liebes Schwarzlöchlein*?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ermmmmm... I don't know.
* **A****n****n**: Well, what do you want most in this world? I'll give it to you—after all, I did win the prize of bestowal.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Like I told Two, a last name, I suppose. And if you can't do that, a face and some limbs, please.
* **censored** **Season 11 winner** : Why not renew your friendship with Remote? Conflict is so, like, '80s.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Because, to rekindle a friendship, it's not something one can just wish for. It takes active conversation, and mutual commitment, to keep it going.
* **Winner**: Trust me, mate, that was most of my post-Loser life before this show.

[*Pause.*]

* **Fi****r****ey**: BH is the best darn used car sales-hole who never worked as one!
* **A****n****n**: [*Aside.*] Heheh. "BH". Bra.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Besides, I need to win something. Seventeen years of battling, you know.
* **A****n****n**: Very well. You're lucky I was a genie before I was a staff manager. As they say in Sächsische Schweiz-Osterzgebirge, *Dein Wunsch ist mir Befehl*.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*starting to worry*] Is it too late to change my mind?

[*Ann points to the setting sun and his hands begin to glow orange (more specifically #F3B454).*]

* **A****n****n**: As they say in Babylonia, it's too late in the day to skip your daily yoga.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Okay. Or, as they say on N'Gor Beach, let 'er rip.
* **Fi****r****ey**: Where are all these foreigner a*hl*usions coming from?
* **Le****a****f****y**: [*puts her finger up to his mouth*] Hush, Firey, you can learn a lot from this guy's charm.

[*A visible orange force, similar to the yellow aura that previously emanated from Two's hands when they had limitless powers of their own, comes from Ann's hands as soon as Black Hole has spoken, striking him with a bright spark visible from space. The force of Ann's powers is such that Black Hole hits the nearest tree, but we don't see what has become of him, other than the implication that the tree was not sucked up on impact.*]

* **Black Hole**: Ouch.
* **A****n****n**: My work here is done. [*going*]
* **censored** **Season 11 winner** : You're not staying? Oh my place where Caesar salads are created!
* **A****n****n**: No way. I seem to have missed Cake at Stake, which is almost the whole reason I came here. If I'm lucky, I'll be in time for the the 10 p.m. news to discuss the Berlin Wall. Bye!
* **censored** **Season 11 winner** : Take me with you! I want to spoil my season's finale before it airs!
* **A****n****n**: Oh, trust me! [*clears throat*] You're coming with me.

[*Exit* **Ann**, *accompanied by the* **Season 11 winner**. *Once again, the placing of the censor bar is wrong.*]

* **Fi****r****ey**: Well, there goes Caesaria, the best winner BFD— [*censored*] had. Except for me and Ann, of course.
* **Black Hole**: [*still off-screen*] It- it doesn't hurt... but it feels strange. Ah. Ah. Ah.
* **Winner**: Black Hole, was that a scream?
* **Le****a****f****y**: It's a little hard to tell because you're such a model of lingual mindfulness (which, I might add, is a necessary virtue in this wicked world).

[*Pause. Winner, Leafy and Firey, approaching, look shocked as soon as they see Black Hole lying down in the ever-intensifying darkness.*]

* **Fi****r****ey**: B*hl*ack Hole? There's sumpin' different about you.

[*Black Hole turns around. Again, we don't see him in this state.*]

* **Winner**: Oh.
* **Fi****r****ey**: My.
* **Le****a****f****y**: Groundcover.

[*The others look at Leafy and back at Black Hole. This goes on for quite a while.*]

Click **here** to continue to the next part.

*Hey, since this is the middle of the finale, want to have a break and watch a video? Of course you do!*

## Notes

1. ↑ "Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations on your success!" in Hausa, Black Hole's adopted language. This wasn't from Google Translate.
2. ↑ They already know the winner and have been sat there for days, so why should they bother with the rest of the episode? (Not my recommendation, by the way.)
3. ↑ He has become a celebrity on the game show circuit over the past fourteen years. (Or the past few hours, in my case.)
4. ↑ Another obfuscation fail on the part of the behind-the-scenes brass.

**Fake TPOT** [V]