Jameson Vs. The Universe - Transcript

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Chapter 9 - Jameson Vs. The Universe

Angle on Randoms INC

Camera pans over to show a much smaller, tacky building with a sign that says:

“Oddity INC: Paranormal Investigation Company (way better than Randoms INC)”

Cut inside

It’s filled with cobwebs, there’s trash on the floor, an ugly orange wallpaper and posters with Jameson on them

Anne, the receptionist, is sitting behind her desk, playing on her phone

Jameson slowly rises up behind her

Jameson

“ANNE! Why aren’t you answering calls?”

Anne (unfazed)

“Because no one has called us in weeks”

Jameson

“Fair point...”

Safety Ninja runs in

Safety Ninja

“Sir! I think I’ve found a way to save the company”

Jameson

“What?”

Safety Ninja

“A way to save the company and stop this nonsense you have with Malcom!”

Jameson

“Let’s hear it!”

Safety Ninja

“If we simply merged with Randoms INC, we could preserve our jobs and not go bankrupt”

Jameson

“HA HA HA HA HA! Don’t make me laugh, partner with the enemy? Do you know anything, honestly?”

Safety Ninja

“I know that we would be better off merging, because if we don’t we’ll all lose our jobs!”

Anne (suddenly interested)

“Yeah, take the deal!”

Jameson

“Nope!”

A letter hits him in the face

Safety Ninja

“Where’d that even come from?”

Jameson reads

Jameson

“What the... \*GASP\*”

Safety Ninja

“What?”

Jameson

“We’ve been invited to Randoms INC!”

Anne

“Really?”

Jameson

“Not you, just me and Safety Ninja... I don’t think Malcom knows you exist”

Intro Plays

Inside Tim and Alex’s room

Tim (voice)

“Behold! The most dangerous challenge we’ve ever faced!”

Zoom out to reveal him holding a video game

Tim

“Rocubes! The game so good, it was forgotten for three years before coming back from the dead because people started to feel nostalgic to it! Trademark”

Alex

“Okay”

Tim

“Let’s plaaaay!”

Alex

“Yeah!”

Tim puts it into their gaming system

Tim

“Oh boy, here we go!”

The tv starts shaking

Alex

“Uhhh, that’s not normal right?”

Tim

“It’s not normal, no...”

Alex

“Is the game that big?”

They get sucked into the tv

They are falling through a static void

Both

“AAAAAAH”

Tim awakes

Tim

“Wha? \*gasp\*”

They are inside the game

Tim

“This is amazing!”

A little ghost man appears

Alex

“Who’re you?”

Bleep

“My name is BLEEP! I’m the manager, making sure everything runs smoothly! Would you like to play?”

Tim

“This is so cool!”

Bleep

“Aaaah, outsiders eh? Well I recommend Natural Disaster Simulator! It’s a fun game for the whole family!”

Alex

“Is that the one where you have to survive the hurricanes and stuff?”

Bleep

“Yes!”

Tim

“Yo! Let’s go!”

Bleep

“Then simply press this button!”

A big red button appears

Tim presses it excited

Bleep

“Just remember, since you’re outsiders-“

They teleport

Bleep

“If you die in the game, you die in real life!!! (Silence) And it’s all part of my sick amusement. (Does a cute anime face) aren’t I a wittle wascal?”

Cut to the outside of Randoms INC

Laura Boyer and Lily clamber out of a limo

Malcom is outside waiting

Malcom

“Laura! Welcome to Randoms INC!”

Laura

\*scoff\* come on Lily!

Jameson and Safety Ninja run over

Jameson

“We’re here!”

Malcom

“Welcome!”

They enter

Malcom

“Huh... I was really expecting-“

Robert’s silhouette shows up

Malcom

“There he is!”

Robert stumbles out, covered in twigs, a small robot following him

Robert

“Ugh... do you know \*pant\* how hard it has been... \*pant\* without my money!? I lost 94% of my supporters after your screen shenanigans!”

Malcom

“Geez! They affected you that much? Wow... suddenly I feel a lot more proud as a parent, and a boss then I did before...”

Paul (in background)

“Don’t forget who did that!”

Malcom indicates the robot

Malcom

“Who’s this?”

Robert

“You said we needed a partner... so I makeshifted one, this is CBot Mini...”

CBot Mini waves

CBot

“Hello! I’m the most destructive weapon ever!”

Malcom

“Not sure makeshifted is a word... but whatever! Head inside!”

Robert (menacingly)

“You’ll be sorry for what you did...”

CBot

“Yeah! The boss says you’ll be sorry, that means it’s 100% likely to happen! I LOVE MATH!”

The pairs stand side by side

Malcom steps in front of them

Malcom

“You’re probably wondering why I invited my current worst enemies to my company!”

Laura

“Of course we’re wondering it! What are you up to?”

Malcom

“Why would I be up to anything? I’m going to be making a deal with one of you that could save your companies!”

Safety Ninja looks up

Malcom

“We’ll be having a friendly tournament! Winner takes this fabulous deal! What is the deal? A merge with my company!”

Everyone (not Jameson) looks super excited at that

Laura

“My company’s actually successful, in fact I’m the richest person in Porta now that Robert got downgraded... but I still want it!”

Safety Ninja shakes Jameson

Safety Ninja

“We have to win that deal!”

Jameson

“I already told you that-“

Safety Ninja

“SHH! YOU WILL WIN THIS THING OR SO HELP ME-“

Jameson

“Alright! I get it... geez, over dramatic much?”

Malcom

“Now the first competition is something I like to call TOWERS OF CALAMITY!”

Tall towers ascend from the floor

Malcom

“First one to climb the tallest one wins!”

Safety Ninja

“Oh geez...”

Cut to gamer world

Tim and Alex get teleported onto a floating island (very poorly made btw)

Tim

“Woo! Let’s start!”

Alex

“Yeah! Let’s... wait!”

Tim

“Wha- oh...”

Some pros are there, they have wings, shiny armor and long swords

Alex (contemptuously) (longest word I’ve ever written in a Randoms script I think)

“Pros”

Tim

“Oh yeah... they are the worst!”

Alex

“Yeah... luckily we don’t have to listen to them because we can mute the chat!”

Here is what the chat said

SuperRadMuscles381: hey noobs!!! I’m gonna rek you all! LOLLL!🔥

Guest\_15: sry for mocking you

Pro\_Gamer: YOUR \*\*\*\*\*\*\* PRESENCE MOCKED THE \*\*\*\*\*\*\* OUT OF OUR \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* PANTS!

Guest\_15: what did I do wrong?

SuperRadMuscles381: exist

Guest\_15: thanks jerks

Guest\_190: SGSGHSFAYQJQKLAKAJAKKAJlajkJjiKakakakka

Pro\_Gamer: why can’t you be more like guest\_190?

Alex

“Mute!”

The chat vanishes

Tim

“Great work Al!”

Alex

“Ew, what was that? Did you just shorten my already really short name?”

Tim

“Yeah?”

Alex

“You should be ashamed...”

Bleep (voice)

“First disaster happening now! Fire shower!”

Fire starts raining from the sky

Tim

“Alright let’s goooooo- (fire hits him) OOOOW! I’M HURT I AM VERY HURT!”

Alex

“Wait... the fire hurt you in real life?”

Tim

“Yeah!”

Alex

“That’s not a good omen... RUUUUUN!

They duck under an awkwardly placed floating platform with one of the pros (Pro\_Gamer)

The pro is talking angrily, but no sound is coming out

Alex

“Chat mute! The greatest thing ever devised by man!”

Cut back to Malcom’s tournament

Jameson and Safety Ninja are climbing the tower

Safety Ninja

“Almost there sir!”

DING

Malcom

“Laura and Lily get the first point!”

Laura starts doing jazz hands

Laura

“YES! BE EXCITED LILY!”

Lily starts doing jazz hands, very unenthusiastically

Lily

“\*sigh\*”

Malcom

“Okay! Next competition!”

A montage plays of the majority of the competition and of Tim and Alex’s gaming shenanigans

The montage ends

Jameson/Safety Ninja IIIII IIII

               Robert/Robot IIIII IIII

                     Laura/Lily IIIII IIII

Malcom

“Wow! It’s a tie, I totally didn’t plan this whoaaaah! For your final challenge, you will have to... subdue a wild tuna worm!”

Safety Ninja

“That doesn’t sound to ba-“

Cut to everyone looking shocked at a horrifying creature

It has a worm’s body, ant head and hundreds of human legs sticking out

Lily

“Nope! I’m done! Good bye!”

Lily storms off

Laura

“Lily, you get back here!”

Malcom

“Okay! They are out of the running! Meaning either Robert or Jameson will take my merge deal!”

Robert

“I refuse to lose to this... joke!”

CBot Mini

“The boss called him a joke!”

Jameson

“Hey! I’ll have you know that I’m a theater major!”

Robert

“So... a joke?”

Safety Ninja

“Hey! I’m here too!”

Robert

“Oh yeah, I’m really scared of a not-Ninja!”

CBot Mini

“So funny!”

Safety Ninja

“I was trained for many years to be a proper ninja... under the orders of sensei-“

Malcom

“Go!”

Robert jumps on his robot’s head and bounces up to the top of the Worm

CBot Mini

“Good luck dad!”

Safety Ninja and Jameson run up to it and start climbing it’s disgusting body

Jameson

“I hate this! I hate this!”

Safety Ninja

“We’re gonna have to grin and bear it sir!”

Cut back to Tim and Alex

The fire shower is stronger, there is now a fire tornado too

Alex

“Tim! I don’t think we’ll last much longer! Before we die, I was the one who killed your pebble eight years ago!”

Tim

“You?! Well... I was the one who-“

Bleep

“Game over!”

Alex

“Yes?”

Tim

“Nope! Not happening! I’ll admit it when I’m close to death!”

Alex

“Mmmm”

Bleep

“Next round begins in thirty seconds”

Alex

“Oh no! I don’t wanna go through that again!”

Tim

“Uhh... can we just... quit the game?”

Bleep

“Do you wish to quit the game?”

Tim

“Yes?”

They are falling through static again

They shoot out of the tv

They looked shocked, but then laugh

Alex

“HA HA HA! WE CHOSE LIFE!”

Tim (dead serious)

“Let’s burn that disc!”

Alex (also serious)

“Agreed”

Jameson and Safety Ninja are on top of the worm

Robert is there too though

Robert

“You’re too late! I’ve already won!”

Safety Ninja

“No!”

Jameson runs at him, but Robert kicks him off

Jameson lands on the ground and loses consciousness

Cut to Jameosn’s mind

Flashback

Subtitle:

London, 19 years ago

Jameson is walking down the street in a traditional suit

Jameson (American)

“\*sigh\* I wish I could move somewhere where my accent and views on paranormal activity wouldn’t be so frowned upon...”

???

“Really?”

Jameson turns to see a younger Malcom, wearing a white tuxedo instead of his modern purple one

Jameson

“Who’re you?”

Malcom

“Malcom Silva, Head of Randoms INC, a big Paranormal Investigation company in the USA!”

Jameson

“Really?”

Malcom

“Yeah! I know England has less anomalies than America, you’re welcome to join us!”

Jameson

“Well... alright then!”

They shake hands

Cut to an angle of a boat sailing

It passes by the Statue of Ingenuity

Jameson

“That looks expensive!”

Malcom

“No actually, it was a gift!”

Subtitle

Two years later

Jameson is working as a janitor

Jameson is humming while working

Malcom

“Hey Jameson!”

Jameson

“Yeah?”

Malcom

“Look, times are tough, the elite at the board are asking for higher taxes, payments, etc... I’m having to get rid of those people who aren’t really benefiting the company.... you’re one of them...”

Jameson

“What?”

Malcom

“My secretary did the math... you are really lacking in necessary assets”

Jameson

“I do twice as much work as anyone!”

Malcom

“Whoa man, are you okay?”

Jameson

“No! I’m not! I refuse to go!”

Malcom

“Oh really?”

Security guards drag him outside

Jameson

“Just you wait! I’ll make my own Company! Then you‘ll see! I am Jameson Mameson! You will-“

Doors slam shut

Malcom

“Dang it... I liked that guy...”

Outside

Jameson

“Grr...”

He turns and sees the building that’ll later become Oddity INC

It has a for sale sign up

Jameson pulls out a wallet

Jameson

“Heh heh heh, Malcom! I’m gonna end you with your own money! Heh heh he ha HA HA HA!”

End of flashback

Jameson wakes up

Safety Ninja

“Finally! Your awake! We won! I was able to sorta lull the worm-thing to sleep, Robert stormed off! We were just about to sign the paperwork when we saw you sleeping!”

Jameson

“Eh”

Malcom

“Welcome back Jameson! I had a feeling you’d win... I was always happy to have you back you know!”

Safety Ninja

“Back? You used to work here?”

Jameson

“I- uh...”

Malcom

“Just give your signature here and we can work together again!”

Jameson

“You... you...”

Malcom nods encouragingly

Jameson

“You were the one who fired me!”

Malcom

“Huh”

Jameson

“You inspired me to move to America, follow my dream of becoming world-famous and then got rid of me! Like I was nothing!”

Safety Ninja

“Suddenly the weird vengeance obsession is \*smack\* starting to click...”

Jameson

“I’m not signing any pathetic paperwork! Not from you!”

Malcom

“I regret trying to help! Y’know, when I fired you, I was actually planning to re-hire you later! I was gonna convince the elite... but then you started your own com-“

Jameson

“I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT! I’m leaving! And that’s that!”

He storms out

Safety Ninja

“Jameson! I’m so sorry Malcom! Jameson!”

Safety Ninja runs out after him

Malcom

“\*sigh\* (he pockets the paperwork) just in case...”

Angle on Jameson sitting at his desk

Safety Ninja and Anne are talking concerned

Anne

“He’s been sitting there forever!”

Safety Ninja

“That merger was our last chance...”

Anne

“Geez! What’ll I do without this job?”

Jameson gets up, climbs up a ladder to the roof

On the roof he glares at Randoms

Music begins to swell, musical style

Jameson

“Randoms INC! A place of broken dreams!

Randoms INC! Run by the embodiment of evil!

Once I deal with Malcom, I will take it for myself!

Become the biggest deal in Porta, I’ll have my picture on a shelf!

Randoms INC! A place of ruin and sorrow!

Randoms INC! I could take it over tomorrow!

I’ll also have a poster there, and a poster there, and giant statue of me there!

I’ll take out that man, and they won’t sense my hand, then once he’s defaced, I’ll buy out the place!

That company is all I neeeeeeeeed!”

The End