208: Poetic Lichen

## Summary

Having just defeated the clockwork Ricardo Ulysses, Will immediately gets a prickle up his spine and is convinced something bad it about to happen. Then something bad happens. The party are besieged by a squad of town guards led by their lieutenant Reginald Humboldt, who then arrests them on 17 separate charges of criminal activity. The party are frog-marched deep under the *Tomorrow, Today!* office where they are thrown in jail.

## Synopsis

The party have just discovered that the Ricardo Ulysses they encountered was in fact a clockwork construction, a simulacrum, if you will. Gwen looks around, wondering where Aleister and Kowl are. Kowl slinks out from behind one of the ovens and Gwen picks her up and puts her on her shoulders. Aleister comes in from the back alleyway. He's largely oblivious to what has just happened and says he's afraid to look in the front of the store. Raphina suggests the party go back to Barovia to catch up with Blinsky, who's maker's mark was on the fake Ricardo. Gwen doesn't know who this is and Raphina explains, wondering if Blinsky has become famous and is now making clockwork people all over the place. She also suggests the party should head to the Lichen Caves now that there's no risk of being ambushed. Gwen is insistent that she needs to stay and sort out her store and probably look at her insurance.

Meanwhile Will is looking around at the front of the store and outside to see any sign of suspicious characters. He's very nervous about *Tomorrow, Today!* and whether they're being spied on. Being concerned about attracting the attention of the authorities comes naturally to Will. He notices that the streets are now strangely quiet. A little *too* quiet in fact. The whole thing gives Will a prickle up his spine. He goes inside and interrupts the rest of the group's conversation, *"We need to get out of here right now"* he says with a seriousness and urgency that grabs everyone's attention. He suggests they disguise themselves immediately, despite protestations from Raphina that there's still cake to eat. Without waiting for permission he begins going round the party, casting his *Seeming* spell on each of them to transform them into generic members of the public that he's seen around town, e.g. Batthwack is transformed into the large guy that was going to punch Will and Raphina is transformed into a random kid that Will has seen. The thief kid that Will had employed earlier also gets a disguise. Will's pairing everyone up into family groups; putting himself with Hilula, and Mo with Batthwack. While Will does this, Raphina suggests putting everyone in her *Tiny Hut* and keeping them in her pocket, but on reflection decides she's not sure that's how it works. Gwen protests, saying she can't just leave her store like this. Aleister offers to help with the store, file all the paperwork, etc., so that Gwen can go. She says "You're just way too good for me. And I really appreciate you taking care of things. But I will be back soon. I really appreciate it." She bends down and gives Aleister a kiss on each horn. Batthwack folds up the Ricardo automaton and stows it in his pack. Will suggests they split up and meet at the Lichen Caves in two hours.

Suddenly, the conversation is cut short when a booming voice, magically amplified, calls out *"COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"* The group freeze for a moment, before Batthwack immediately begins looking for a hatch or something in the floor that will allow them to escape underground, and Will helps. *"THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING!"* booms the voice. Raphina suggests they run for it, but Gwen says you can't run from the authorities. Will disagrees. Raphina can't understand why this is happening and Will says he's positive they've been set up by Ricardo. Will goes out the back door, but discovers it's a walled alleyway surrounded by tall buildings, that only leads round to the front of the store. Steed's there. Batthwack tells Steed to look for manhole covers or any way of escape. Gwen says she has means to get one other person out of there, and Will suddenly realises this sounds a lot like a spell of his. The voice booms again *"LAST CHANCE! WE'RE COMING IN!"* and they hear the sound of smashing glass as the other front window of Gwen's store is broken. Batthwack is attempting to scale the wall, but cannot get a foothold. Will realises Gwen is about to cast something and turns to the kid to say *"Meet me at the Cliffside Post Office, two doors down to the east."* He gives him 5 gold (enough or him to cross the wall), runs over to Mo and begins to cast *Dimension Door*. Gwen is doing the same thing, having grabbed Raphina.

However, before either of them can complete the spell, Steed suddenly disappears, everyone's disguises evaporate and the *Dimension Door* spells fizzle out. Will and Batthwack's crowns are also revealed. Through the door at the front of the store and around the corner of the back alley, a squad of men and women armed with swords burst in shouting *"HANDS UP! HANDS UP! DO NOT RESIST!"* Raphina tests a theory and tries to cast her *Open/Close* spell, but nothing happens. It seems all their magic has been dispelled and is being blocked somehow. Gwen goes forward with her hands up, saying *"This is my store."* Will immediately starts to behave erratically like the grumpy dwarf from earlier, but the guards see right through it and bind Will's hands behind his back. Everyone else's hands are being bound behind their backs, including the kid and Aleister. Batthwack offers his hands in front of him and so his are bound that way. Gwen is asking *"What's going on? Why am I being arrested in my own store?"* Mo is fighting the guards as they try to bind his hands. Raphina and Will shout over to him to calm down and stop fighting. Gwen looks over at him and says in draconic *"Just let them do it. Go along with it."* and he does then let them bind his hands. Everyone is led into the front of the store, where the mess is now even worse than before.

They're all led out into the street where they see a wall of guards standing round in a semi-circle surrounding the entire store front. Interspersed among them are six robed figures with books, reading out loud in a language none of the group understands. Will makes a point of looking to see if Hilula's hands are bound like everyone else's and they do appear to be. Kowl and Pippa have not been captured. At the centre of the semi-circle of guards stands the lieutenant. He has the same uniform as the other guards, but he wears a helmet with a fancy plume. He pulls out a scroll, unrolls it and begins reading.

*"You are hereby arrested in this, the town of Morrow's Inlet, for the following transgressions: Unauthorised summoning of a fey, fiend or celestial. Illegal entry of a private establishment. Circumvention of approved wall access gates. Impersonating a Morrower. Exceeding legal occupancy of a private residence. Impersonating a famous figure. Petty theft. Disturbing commerce. Olfactory assault. Commerce without a permit. Theft of promotional items. Attempted arson. Dining and Dashing. Sexual fraud. Unlicensed teleportation. Larceny. And kidnapping."*

Will immediately protests *"These are ridiculous!"* Then he turns to the rest of the group and under his breath says *"Most of these are me."* The lieutenant rolls up the scroll again and says *"I am Reginald Humboldt, Lieutenant of the Morrow's Inlet City Constabulatory. Myself and my team of professional insubordinate subduers are here to take you to prison."* He tells them that they'll meet justice here in Morrow's Inlet. Raphina tries to explain that it must all be some misunderstanding, but the lieutenant says they'll have to bring it all up with the inspector at their hearing. Batthwack is looking around at the guards and counts 20-25 of them. He doesn't fancy those odds. Will's fingers feel incredibly itchy and he's desperate to try and pickpocket a set of keys, but with his hands tied behind his back he doesn't think it's worth the risk.

The guards lead them down the road and Raphina is shouting *"Do we get public representation of any kind?!"* but Will tells her to be quiet. *"The more you say the more they can use against you."* No-one is answering anyway. On the way, both the thief kid and Aleister are released. They're not walking for long before they arrive at the *Tomorrow, Today!* office, where they are ushered in through the front doors. Everyone is staring in silence at them. They're led to a set of doors to the left of the main reception desk, behind which are stairs leading down. With the guards keeping everyone separate from each other, they're led down five flights of stairs. As soon as they descend below street level the natural light is replaced by the florescent green light they've seen throughout the town.

They reach a long hallway that is lined with windowless doors and one by one they all pass through a metallic arch. As each of them passes through, a voice booms out from somewhere unseen. Gwen is first. The voice booms *"Dragonborn. 24 years old. Six foot, 10 inches tall. 255 pounds."* Will goes through. *"Human. 35 years old. Six foot, zero inches tall. 165 pounds."* Batthwack goes next. *"Dragonborn. 31 years old. Six foot, seven inches tall. 255 pounds."* Hilula follows behind him. *"Halfling. 28 years old. Two foot, 11 inches tall. 68 pounds."* Mo passes through the arch. *"Lizardfolk. 18 years old. Six foot, nine inches tall. 290 pounds."* Raphina is the last to pass through... but the voice remains eerily silent. Will looks round to check she's there and Raphina reassures him *"Maybe I'm a clockwork person Will! Check my hip joint!"* They continue on their way and behind them hear the voice boom out once more *"Mechanical construct."* They all look back and see Captain Clockface being ushered through the archway. The voice continues, *"70 years old. Three foot, four inches tall. 130 pounds."*

The party's bags are confiscated, though not their weapons. They're then each taken to their own hallway door. Each door opens to reveal a very small, windowless cell lit with the same fluorescent green light, and they're all shoved in ungraciously. Kowl goes in with Gwen, Pippa goes in with Raphina and Captain Clockface is shoved into Batthwack's cell. Raphina shouts *"By the way, we're being expected by the president tomorrow morning! Have his people call our people!*" but there's no response. Will just has time to shout *"Say nothing!"* before the doors all clang shut.

## Recap: Raphina's Diary

*"Dear Diary, today I got to be one with a cake. Raphina's in a cake! Raphina's in a cake! Hi Ho! Don't eat me, Mo! Raphina's in a cake!*

*Okay, so I climbed in a big ol' cardboard box and got cozy. Wow! They sealed it up with frosting and then they put more boxes and frosting all over. I could hear the frosting knife spreading the butter cream with expert flair. It was very dark except for the liiittle pinhole of light I got shining through my periscope candle straw thingy. And then things got very jostley while they carried the Raphina cake out front of the bakery. I'm pretty sure I was bait for something but in all the excitement of being one with a cake I couldn't totally remember all the details. But I wasn't worried. I knew I'd figure it out when the time came.*

*So I sat and waited and I pulled out an insulated water skin of hot water and brewed some improvised twig tea with small strips of cardboard I tore from the bottom of the box. No one ever looks at the bottom of a cake. The cardboard made the tea not very twiggy tasting. I think I should work on this recipe is it seems a promising venture.*

*I thought maybe this would be a good time to count my money. So I pulled it all out and then I realized I left it all in the river so that didn't take a lot of time.*

*Eventually, I heard the familiar booming voice of fake Ricardo Ulysses calling himself a fart. Will has a theatrical flair. I think he was trying to get punched because he began abducting a child and he threw a kitten to the moon. I nearly spilled my cardboard twig tea when he did that. Suddenly, a second, and as it turned out later, also fake Ricardo Ulysses showed up and did not notice the front door to the shop because he entered with a similar will style of melodrama through the glass window.*

*Then things really began to hotten up. Unfortunately, at that point, it was my nap time, so I curled up and took a little snooze. When I awoke a few minutes later, I heard one of the Ricardo Ulysses's's's saying such inflammatory things that I decided it was time to exit the cake. I forgot where the door was. Perhaps being unable to find front doors is a kind of contagious sickness in this land. So I emerged as un-dramatically as possible and gave everyone what for!*

*I sure hope we don't forget to eat the cake, even though it's cardboard it looks really delicious and I'm sure hate to see it go to waste. Anyway, I can use that cardboard to experiment with my latest type of tea."*

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode also featured KT doing a recap to the tune of *The Candy Man Can* sung by Aubrey Woods in the 1971 movie *Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory*!

*[Intro]*

All right, all right, some triple twig bark for Raphina, a vegan sticky brick for Batthwack, a bonbon filled with the judgement for Will, and listen, Gwen's got a new one for you today. It's called a Chumptastic-Horny-Unicorny Bar. And how does she do it? My dear listeners, do you ask the halfling how she swims if she falls off her raft? Or the warlock how he flies under the weight of his enormous ego? No sirree, you don't! They do it because they were born to do it, just like Ricardo Ulysses was born to be the greatest thief in all of Six Rivers and you look like you were born to admire him no matter what he steals from you.

*[Verse 1]*

Who can break a window

Steal from you guys

Withstand the *Zone of Truth*

And make a dragonborn cry

*[Chorus]*

The Ricardo man!

The Ricardo man can

The Ricardo man can cuz he has a lot of fans

That really think he's good

*[Verse 1]*

Who can pick a pocket

Break a window pane

Control a clockwork man

And steal the Ledger de Main

*[Chorus]*

The Ricardo man!

The Ricardo man can

The Ricardo man can cuz of a thing called celebrity worship

Which is totally uncool

*[Bridge]*

Ricardo always takes and window glass he breaks

Yes that's the third time I've said that

Mo just really wants to shred that ... guy

And Ricardo ought to really dread that

*[Verse 1]*

Who can take *Tomorrow (Today!)*

Craft a nasty scheme

Figure out we'd no show

At the cave with moss that gleams

*[Chorus]*

The Ricardo man!

Ricardo Ulysses can

The Ricardo man can cuz he got a clockwork man

From a toy maker we esteem

*[Outro]*

Did he steal that clockwork man or is Blinsky on his team?

## Trivia

* The episode title is Alex's pun on Eric's comment about KT's recap song. In the song, KT said the caves had glowing moss in them, and Eric said while it's technically lichen, not moss, it's totally fine because the song has poetic license. Alex says *"A little bit of poetic lichen?"*

## References

1. ↑ KT suggests that Will's *Seeming* spell takes the form of him dressing and putting make up on his subjects, suggesting he has some theatrical experience in his background. Interesting!
2. ↑ The booming voice is immediately recognisable to those in the know as one that has been amplified using a *Thaumaturgy* spell.
3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 This was clarified at the beginning of the next episode, 209: Various Brick Sounds
4. ↑ To the sound of OpeningSepticTank.wav
5. ↑ This is sung to the tune of *The Farmer in the Dell*
6. ↑ The line was *"Who can take Tomorrow, Today!, craft a nasty scheme, figure out we'd no show at the cave with moss that gleams? The Ricardo man, Ricardo Ulysses can!"* KT is a genius.