McNeese Joins The KKK/Transcript

The following is the transcript for the Dumb Teacher Season 5 episode, *McNeese Joins The KKK.*

## McNeese Becoming A Klansman

*(The episode opens in McNeese's classroom in front of Tom's face. A whip is seen whipping his face, giving him scars. The camera zooms out and it is revealed that Tom, his mother Jenna, and his father, Abe, are tied up together and being tortured by McNeese)*

* **McNeese**: Ya like that, you fuckin' coons?! You fuckin' like how you're being treated like how you Sambos *should* be treated?
* **Abe**: Stop this, you racist honky! You know better than to fuck *us* Colemans up!
* **Jenna**: Yeah, and you also know betta than to call us racist names, dumb fuck! I can't believe my son's school hired *you* as his class' teacher! Do you know understand how many kids you're shocking in the classroom every time you beat us up in front'a them?
* **McNeese**: Oh, I don't fuckin' care, Mammy, ya fuckin' N\*gra! You and your Uncle Ben fuckin' deserve this for being such fucking porch monkeys!

*(McNeese puts a brass knuckle on his right fist and starts punching the three with them as he laughs hysterically. The scene cuts to the door, where Dan opens it up with Choki behind him. Choki has a stitched chest wound)*

* **Choki**: Thanks for rushing me to the hospital, Dan. What kind of sick psycho stabs me in the torso repeatedly for no reason?
* **Dan**: Thanks, Choki. I-

*(Dan and Choki notice McNeese torturing the Coleman family)*

* **Dan**: What the Vlokozu? *(runs up to McNeese in anger)* McNeese, what the hell do you think you're doing?
* **McNeese**: Teaching these Spearchuckers a lesson, you white Bluegum!
* **Dan**: B-But McNeese, you can't... *(begins to stutter)* That's not... I... *(stops stuttering)* Y'know what? Screw it!

*(Dan punches McNeese in his torso, causing him to scream in pain as Dan unties the Colemans)*

* **Abe**: Thanks for freeing us, Dan. That guy is such a racist bastard, and he *knows* it! Calling me an, "Uncle Ben". I-I mean, I enjoy the rice, but, not when I'm *called* an Uncle Ben.
* **Jenna**: *(to Tom)* Have a good rest of your day, Tom. Oh, and if McNeese tries beating you up again, just pepper-spray him.
* **Tom**: Got it, bye.

*(The Colemans leave the classroom as Tom sits back at his desk)*

* **McNeese**: OHHH!! YOU SCARED AWAY MY FUCKING GOLLIWOG PRISONERS, YOU WHITE COON! WHY WOULD YOU WA-
* **Dan**: *(interrupts him)* "Wanna let them free, you goddamn white traitor?" I've heard that line over sixty times now, and y'know what? I'm sick of your racist shit, McNeese! After sixty episodes, I'm fuckin' sick of it. You torture other races just for having...well, a different skin tone and race other than white and Caucasian, you gas innocent Jews by farting in their faces or leaving them in a gas-filled room, and you mock me just because I love El Kadsre, the EKI, and their history and culture! We have rights to like *what*ever we want and be *who*ever we are as long as the law allows it!
* **McNeese**: Yeah, so fuckin' what?
* **Dan**: All I'm saying is, *(starts to sarcastically speak)* why don't you clone yourself using- *(Dan pulls out his cloning gun)* -my cloning gun, give him everything about you in Greenhill, pack up your bags, move to Harrison, Arkansas, and join the Ku Klux Klan? That's a great idea! *(stops sarcastically speaking)* Oh, and in case you were Sarcasm-blind, I was *being* sarcastic, you racist fuck! Go to hell! The world curses you, your Irish brother, your father, *every* racist male in the McNeese family! You. Suck. Ass! So, if you wanna get out of my face, *(Dan puts cloning gun on desk)* this gun's all yours. And don't worry about me losing my cloning gun, I have a spare. *(the bell rings)* Now, if you'll excuse me, red racist, me and the class are ready to have a great weekend. *(to students)* Dave & Buster's, anyone? All change for the arcade is on me!

*(The students all cheer Dan on as they and him rush out in excitement. McNeese is seen thinking for 2 seconds, then snaps his fingers in realization)*

* **McNeese**: “Join the KKK and move to Harrison?” Why didn’t that white Sambo say so? He may be some Kad-lover whose fuckin’ girlfriend is an American karoul, but I think he fuckin’ gave me the greatest idea in the history of my motherfuckin’ life. *(picks up cloning gun)* Now, how does this fuckin’ gewgaw work?

*(McNeese points the gun at himself, pulls the trigger, and then clones himself. His clone appears right by him wearing a red hat that says, “#2” on it)*

* **McNeese**: Oh, works like a regular gun.
* **McNeese’s Clone**: Hey, good lookin’, seems like you’ve fucked up a lot of coons today, huh?
* **McNeese**: Sure fuckin’ have. Listen, there's a reason to why I cloned you into this world. I’m heading off to join the KKK, and I need you to take my place while I’m gone. My house, first car, half of my money in my wallet & bank account, and teaching job are all yours. And while you’re taking my place, why don’t you teach that fucking blue-haired honky pickaninny, Dan a goddamn lesson for punching me in the torso earlier? Motherfucker knows better. He's at the Dave & Buster's with his dumbass friends, in case you were wondering where that place is.
* **McNeese’s Clone**: Got it, I'll take good care of that fuckin' American Tacohead! Have fun with the Klan!

*(McNeese walks out of the classroom)*

* **McNeese**: I will!
* **McNeesee's Clone**: Now, for my first fuckin' order of business taking McNeese's place...

*(The scene cuts to the front of Dave & Buster's. The shot lasts for 2 seconds before cutting to a panorama of McNeese's students playing the arcade games before stopping at Dan and James, who are both seen playing a Street Fighter-like game)*

* **James**: Oh, you're going down, Dan. Down, down, down to China!

*(Suddenly, McNeese's clone grabs the two by surprise and throws them at the arcade cabinet, causing it to lean on the other arcade cabinets and then fall to the side)*

* **McNeese's Clone**: That's for punching McNe-I-I mean *me* in the fucking torso today, you goddamn white Wetback! Go back to your fuckin' mother's embryo from where you motherfuckin' came!
* **James**: McNeese, if you ever do that again, Dan'll punch *more* than your torso. You hear? *More. Than.* Your torso! Fuck off and let us enjoy our weekend.
* **McNeese's Clone**: I don't fuckin' think so, you fuckin' fat white Uncle Tom!

*(McNeese's clone suddenly picks up Tom, who is seen playing a racing game and raises him in the air. Tom is shocked)*

* **McNeese's Clone**: *(to Tom)* How's about fuckin' *more* than your fucking mammy and Ben, pickaninny? What a-fuckin'-bout your friends?

*(Just as McNeese is about to throw Tom at Dan and James, Drew Sanderson, who is working as a security guard, tazers McNeese's clone, causing him to drop Tom on the floor)*

* **Drew**: *(to McNeese's clone)* Sir, I'm afraid you're gonna have to leave. Torture of children and tampering with the arcade cabinets ain't allowed here at D&B.
* **McNeese's Clone**: And why should I fuckin' care, you anti-Confederate? Your once-glorious people could've made every fuckin' American Coon here extinct like fuckin' dinos.
* **Drew**: Sir, that's it. Racism, swearing, *and* mention of the Confederacy outside of historical explanation is *definitely* not allowed here! This place is a family-friendly business, and we can't have foul-mouths like you dirtyin' up the place like it's the D&B in Harrison! If there ever *was* one! You are hereby banned from this location for life, you potty-mouthed racist.

*(McNeese's clone punches Drew in the face)*

* **Drew**: OW! WHY'D YA DO THAT?!
* **McNeese's Clone**: That's what fuckers like you get for not supporting Neo-Confederacists. *(raises his fist up like an Aryan fist)* White pride worldw-

*(T wo other security guards suddenly run in and cover McNeese's clone's mouth and take him out of the restaurant)*

* **Drew**: Goddamn racist. I hope I never have to see that irritable son of a bitch at this restaurant again.

*(Suddenly, Duncan walks in on the right and kicks Drew in the balls. He grabs them in pain and falls on the floor)*

* **Duncan**: I saw you back there. You know better than to treat my teacher with disrespect, negro-lover. Now stay there like a good Neo-Confederate.

*(Duncan walks away as Drew groans in pain)*

* **Drew**: I have worked at so many family entertainment centers before, and I have never had so many nutshots from underprivileged kids here in a week! I quit!

*(The scene cuts to the front of McNeese's house, where McNeese is seen getting in his second car, a white 2008 Tesla Roadster. His clone walks up to him)*

* **McNeese's Clone**: Hey, McNeese! I took care of that fuckin' blue-haired Gator bait like you told me to. Threw him at a cabinet like a rock to a coon's face.
* **McNeese**: Thanks! That fuckin' white pickaninny who loves Kad country fuckin' deserves it! *(McNeese then reaches into his invisible pocket, where he pulls out his driver's license, some cash, keys, and a phone)* Now, this stuff's all yours. My keys, driver's license, *(pulls out another license)* don't worry, I have a spare, half of my cash, and this phone are now yours. I'm headin' off to join the Klan, now, *(McNeese turns on his Tesla)* beat up those coloreds, elders, and kids for me, okay?
* **McNeese's Clone**: Got it! Nice car, by the way.
* **McNeese**: Thanks, I stole it from a dead Shylock. Bye!

*(McNeese then drives out of his driveway and into the road. "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon plays on McNeese's radio. The scene then cuts to a motel called the Red Coat Inn, where McNeese's Tesla is parked outside. Inside the room McNeese is in, he is using a laptop)*

* **McNeese**: Alright, let's go to the KKK website... Alright, here's a link to the KKK's online form. Let's begin. "What is your name?" *(types on keyboard)* Frederick McNeese. *(finishes typing)* "Enter your date of birth" *(types again)* November 23, 1961. *(finishes again)* "Have you ever tortured any coons, Chinks, Japs, Naps, Kads, Pikeys, Senders or any other kind of non-whites before?" *(clicks on answer)* Yes. "Have you ever respected us and wanted to join us?" *(types on keyboard)* I've respected you ever since I was little, and I have always wanted to join you and move to your home, Harrison, Arkansas. *(finishes typing)* "Final question: Do you live in a bad neighborhood full of minorities?" *(clicks on answer)* Yes. *(reading)* "Thank you for your response, we will write back to you through your email in 2 weeks time." Okay. *(picks up phone and dials number; on phone)* Hi, I'd like to extend my stay here.
* **Employee**: How long?
* **McNeese**: 2 weeks.
* **Employee**: Okay, just pay up at the register.

*(McNeese hangs up the phone, then chuckles evilly for a second. The camera then cuts to the Inn in the morning. On the bottom of the screen is a text saying, "2 weeks later...", which appears along the scene for 2 seconds before cutting to the inside of McNeese's room, where he is seen watching TV. He gets an email notification on his phone. He opens it up and reads the email)*

* **McNeese**: *(reading)* "Dear Frederick McNeese, we have reviewed your form response, and we'd like to say, congratulations! You have been approved of becoming a Klansmen, but the form you completed was only the first half of Klansmen orientation. The final half happens at this camp near your current location. Meet us there at night so we can show you how to complete the orientation." *(McNeese stares at his phone for 2 seconds before excitedly jumping in the air)* YES!! I'M MOVIN' TO HARRISON FOR REAL! NO MORE BLUE-HAIRED QUEERS WHO LOVE KAD LAND, NO MORE FAT BASTARDS, NO MORE PICKANINNIES AND PORCH MONKEYS IN MY CLASSROOM! YESSSS! KU KLUX KLAN, HERE I COME!

## Welcome to The Shell Oil Company

*(The scene cuts to a 2-second shot of Dan's house before cutting to the inside of Dan's living room, where Dan and Choki are seen sitting on a couch watching TV with a box of pizza in-between them. Dramatic music plays on the TV)*

* **Choki**: Hey, Dan, I just want to say, thanks for rushing me to the hospital to stich my cut up 2 weeks ago.
* **Dan**: Anytime, man. I just hope that whoever stabbed you got arrested.
* **Choki**: Yeah! It was also nice of you to invite me over to your house to watch Bionicle VII while having some pizza together.

*(The scene cuts to the Zunick TV)*

* **Toa Inika**: Alright, this tunnel must lead to the Arito Sea. That could be where the Mask of Life is. We can't let it fall into the wrong hands.

*(Suddenly, a swarm of Zyglak led by Vezon arrives in front of the Inika)*

* **Vezon**: Fools! Do you really think you can take the Mask of Life? It's mine! Seize them, my Zyglak army!

*(The Zyglaks attack the Inika, but are easily overwhelmed by Inika's attacks. Inika then fires a blaster at Vezon, who is holding the mask. They then grab it)*

* **Inika**: Now, what would happen if we put it on?

*(The Inika then puts the mask on, afterwards they are obscured into white flashing silhouettes. The scene cuts back to the couch, where Dan and Choki kneel on the floor moving their fists up and down excitedly)*

* **Dan & Choki**: Toa Mahri! Toa Mahri! Toa Mahri! Toa Mahri!

*(Choki hears car wheels squeaking and an engine running from the right)*

* **Dan**: Toa Mahri! Toa Mah-
* **Choki**: Dan, isn't that your mom's Porsche?
* **Dan**: Huh?

*(Cheryl drives through the front door, Dan dodges the Porsche while Choki is thrown into the kitchen and the TV is pushed off the TV stand. Cheryl stops in the middle of the room. Dan rushes to the kitchen, where Choki landed)*

* **Dan**: Oh, my god! Choki, are you okay?

*(Choki gets up in pain, lots of his teeth have been broken)*

* **Choki**: Dan, I think I need to go to an orthodontist. My teeth are broken.
* **Dan**: *(groans)* I just got you out of the ER two weeks ago! Damnit. *(Dan heads back to the living room where Cheryl comes out of her Porsche excited)* Mom, what the fuck?! Why did you drive into the living room?
* **Cheryl**: I just won a million dollars in the lottery, and I used it to buy a Shell franchise!
* **Dan**: What?
* **Cheryl**: Danny-kins, I am an entrepreneur now!

*(Johnny walks downstairs)*

* **Johnny**: What's going on here?
* **Cheryl**: Honey, you won't believe this! I bought a gas station franchise from Shell using the lottery money I won, and we're going to work there from now on.
* **Johnny**: Oh, alright. *(Johnny notices hole in the wall)* We might wanna get that fixed later.
* **Cheryl**: Come on, Danny-kins. I wanna show you the station where our Shell is gonna be.
* **Dan**: Alright.

*(The three get in the Porsche and they all drive off into the road. The camera then cuts to the food mart and gas station, where the building is covered in ashes and old Fillitup signs are being shown. Cheryl, Dan and Johnny are standing in front of it)*

* **Cheryl**: What do you think? This used to be an old Fillitup 5 years ago. Closed down after a bomb exploded in the food mart by a bunch of terrorists, which you can see by the ash explosion in front of us.
* **Johnny**: That's interesting.
* **Dan**: Yeah, it is.
* **Cheryl**: The contractors are gonna be here to clean the place and replace the old signs. *(Cheryl shows the two a VHS tape and two black caps with the Shell symbol on them)* The Shell Oil Company even sent us this employee training and welcoming tape and these employee hats. Come inside.

*(The scene cuts to a white room inside the store, Dan & Johnny are sitting on two chairs in front of a TV with a VCR. Cheryl then walks up to the TV and inserts the tape into the VCR, causing static to appear on the screen. She then grabs a remote and turns on the tape. The scene cuts to the tape, where, on a black background and in a grainy VHS effect, a text reading "The Shell Oil Company presents" in the Times New Roman font fades in and appears in the middle of the screen for seven seconds. The scene then cuts to a retro 1980s-like aesthetic background, where a text reading "WELCOME" zooms in at the top, followed by "TO" in the middle, and "SHELL" at the bottom. "Say Yeah" by The Limit is heard playing in the background. The scene then cuts to a man sitting on a chair in a white room)*

* **Narrator**: So you wanna become a Shell employee, huh? Well, I have to say, congratulations! By the time you are watching this, you have officially become employees of a local Shell station and food mart franchise, or, as we, the people at Shell prefer to call you, Shellies! But don't get too excited, 'cause before you can get started, we got a few rules. Before we go over these rules, let's have a brief history lesson on Shell Oil's parent company, Royal Dutch-Shell.

*(Scene door transitions to a moving neon checker background)*

* **Narrator**: Shell's parent company, Royal Dutch-Shell originally had their oil roots in 1907 through the merger of Dutch-based Royal Dutch Petroleum and British-based Shell Transport and Trading Company. Royal Dutch, founded sometime in the mid-1820s or 30s by August Kessler, Hugo Loudon, and Henri Deterding. Shell T&TC, founded in 1897 by Marcus Samuel, 1st Viscount Bearsted, and his brother Samuel Samuel. That's right, this man had Samuel as both his first *and* last names, so feel free to call him "Double Sammy".

*(The scene cuts to a shot of the abandoned Fillitup, with text on the bottom saying, "12 minutes later". This scene remains for 2 seconds before cutting back to the VHS, with the music still playing)*

* **Narrator**: And remember to always keep smiling. Now that we've gotten all the rules time, it's time to get to work, Shellies! We hope you've enjoyed this video.

TBA