SuperWheels (OSI Version)

"*Tonight's feature has been approved by the NASCAR Dads Association of America. And if that doesn't raise a red flag, I don't know what will.*"
—Mr. Lobo

## The Episode

Famous. Infamous. Revered. Reviled. The film that divides the *Cinema Insomnia* fandom. I mean, it's not an *even* split. Less brother-against-brother than estranged-uncle-against-the-rest-of-the-family. But every fan owes it to themself to experience the saga of Dudu.

## *SuperWheels (OSI Version)*

Apprehensive Films "The Slime Line" DVD cover

### Wraps

**Wrap 1**

Mr. Lobo expounds on some depressing philosophy and some suspect history, and has a false start with *Herbie the Love Bug*, before introducing tonight's feature, the West German Herbie knock-off, SuperWheels. Did I mention he has a steering wheel? He has a steering wheel. Roll film!

**Wrap 2**

Mr. Lobo scolds Miss Mittens for not taking Dudu seriously, and has a minor crisis when she points out that his signal hat's rotating light isn't working. (Due to Fandom terms and conditions I can't fully transcribe his outburst here, but he did use the "J" word.)

**Wrap 3**

Mr. Lobo is engaged in an argument with an unknown Duduphobe over the phone, pointing out *Super Wheels's* undeniable similarity to Stephen King's *Christine* and Stanley Kubrick's *2001: A Space Odyssey*. He also defends his own right to show Dudu movies, stressing that he's not just a "horror host," but a *movie* host. Then the caller does a swear. Back to the movie!

**Wrap 4**

Mr. Lobo is once more pondering life's big questions. "Why would anyone dress up like a nutcracker to guard a castle?" Like Socrates, Mr. Lobo doesn't presume to give us the answers, only to challenge us to seek them for ourselves. Hold on, no, he says it's because they're European. Now it's time for commercials.

**Wrap 5**

Mr. Lobo's doing a Jimmy Bondy -> James Bond riff, and he has props! But we have important Dudu business, so it's back to the movie!

**Wrap 6**

This movie's a bad influence on the impressionable Miss Mittens, as she steals Mr. Lobo's dentures with her new cyborg appendage. Can plants be cyborgs? What does "borg" mean? Am I a borg? Is resistance productive and worthwhile? Leave your questions and comments below. (Just look at all this intelligent discussion being promoted by *Super Wheels*!)

**Wrap 7**

Mr. Lobo walks us through the history of the "Look Who's Honking" genre and encourages us to explore it for ourselves, before being sidetracked by more of Miss Mittens's criminal behavior. That's our Miss Mittens! Now, back to *Super Wheels!*

**Wrap 8**

Miss Mittens wants Mr. Lobo to teach her to drive, but he puts his mammalarchical foot down. "Plants are too short to drive cars," he says. "Plants have no peripheral vision," he says. Well Plymouth Rock landed on her! Now, a commercial.

**Wrap 9**

Old Man Lobo's still singing his fascist tune about Miss Mittens's aspirations as a driver, only now he's engaging in cheap scare tactics. He's even got a high school driver's ed print of *Green Asphalt and Mulch Highway*, but he sends us to the gym to watch *Super Wheels*.

**Wrap 10**

Lobocop just won't let Miss Mittens live her dream! Is he genuinely afraid for her safety? Is he a control freak? Maybe he doesn't know how to drive, himself. The possibilities are endless. There's three to get you started. Look I'm not hosting a symposium here, I got a popcorn commercial to write about.

**Wrap 11**

During the intermission they screened *Red Asphalt*, my first time seeing it. I'll try to persevere because I'm a professional, but dear God, our folly. Mr. Lobo's repeating the story of the film so far, and dear God, our folly. Miss Mittens to her credit hasn't given up, and Mr. Lobo concedes to check the rule book for the race's standards of wackiness. But dear God. Our folly.

**Wrap 12**

As it turns out, the woke liberal 9th Circuit Court ruled that plants have a right to drive*[citation needed]*, so Mr. Lobo's administering an assessment test.

(The answer is B, "morbidly obese nun crossing.")

**Wrap 13**

Miss Mittens's assessment test continues, and I'm pulling for her. The one on cruising for orphanschnitzel tripped me up when I took mine. Back to the race!

**Wrap 14**

Miss Mittens has advanced to the simulator test! Mr. Lobo's being a backseat puppy-dodger, but she seemed to be doing okay until she shot the blackjack dealer. Commercial break!

**Wrap 15**

It's almost time for Miss Mittens's road test! Mr. Lobo's helping her run down her pre-test car safety checklist, while Miss Mittens prays. Then it's time for the Insomniac's Oath. And now that we're powerless to look away, back to *Super Wheels*!

**Wrap 16**

With some final words of encouragement(?) from Mr. Lobo, Miss Mittens is ready to disembark! The howl of the wind! The scream of the blacktop! The roar of the cul-de-sac! Oh, after this break.

**Wrap 17**

After Mr. Lobo's initial reticence, he's turned into a very supportive driving instructor and bro. He even got Miss Mittens some road burritos (no lettuce). Miss Mittens is revving her engine and ready to go, but so is *Super Wheels*. Back to it! (*Super Wheels*.)

**Wrap 18**

And off she goes! Mr. Lobo equipped her with a mobile phone so he can continue to yell helpful traffic accident statistics at her, but did it work? Skip to Wrap 19 now to find out!

**Wrap 19**

It worked!

**Wrap 20**

Mr. Lobo's still coaching Miss Mittens, but who's this on the other line? Lady Skankenstein? Wow! And all this distracted pedestrian incident cost him was his CROTCH. Maybe his life. I haven't finished it yet.

**Wrap 21**

Well, I guess Mr. Lobo's dead again. Stuck in Traffic Safety Purgatory, ruled over by the Triclops. Mr. Lobo's fate? To watch the CONCLUSION of tonight's feature...forever! But we only have to watch it once! Seven times, tops!

**Wrap 22**

It seems Mr. Lobo managed to escape his fate, but what of poor Miss Mittens? SHE DIED. Roll credits!

### Ads

* Transogram Daredevil Trik-Trak
* Budweiser, "Real American Heroes - Pro Wrestling Wardrobe Designer"
* Mattel, Tommy-Burst Detective Set (R.I.P. Otis)
* Larry Scholl's Hidden Elements of Cartoon Drawing Vol. 1 DVD (http://www.larryscholl.net)
* Marx Big Wheel
* Buttercup Popcorn - Served in a king-size cup! (Equivalent to modern "small")
* Cigarettes (No specific brand. Just all of them)
* Kellogg's Sugar Frosted Flakes, starring Dick Dastardly, Muttley, and the rest
* Horsenmilken (Now With Alcohol!)
* Rad Abrams, Skate Board Attorney
* Goodyear Double Eagle tires
* Stick Shifters toy cars
* Standard Service Station Attendant School (\*batteries not included)
* Evel Knievel bicycles by AMF
* Hertz Rent-A-Car, starring acquitted murderer OJ Simpson

### Trailers

* *Christine* (1983)
* *Herbie Rides Again* (1974)
* *Maximum Overdrive* (1986)
* *Casino Royale* (1967)
* *Death Race 2000* (1975)
* *Glen or Glenda* (1953)
* *Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* (1968)

### Shorts

* *Last Date* (1950)
* *Red Asphalt* (1964)

### Cast

* Mr. Lobo...Mister Lobo
* Miss Mittens...herself

### Quotes

"*On the road of life, there are passengers, and there are drivers, and there are cars that drive themselves, leaving the passengers on the side of the road of life, scratching their heads.*"
—Mr. Lobo

"*They seem to have a personality all their own, just like we do. They putter around, leak liquids on the floor, and emit noxious fumes, and grow old and die, and eventually their parts are sold at auction.*"
—Mr. Lobo

"*Consider these alarming facts, won't you? Traffic crashes are the number one cause of car accidents. Think about that. Alright, this should scare you. Young drivers are more likely to die in fatal car crashes than in non-fatal ones. Scared yet?*"
—Mr. Lobo

"*Mr. Lobo happens to have a high school driver's-ed print of* Green Asphalt and Mulch Highway*. Hope you haven't had lunch yet! Roll that beautiful green footage.*"
—Mr. Lobo

"*Time for more alarming facts, okay? Don't you know that over 63 million young people are injured every year in traffic crashes? Hmm? do YOU want to be injured every year?*"
—Mr. Lobo

"*Alright Miss Mittens, it's vitally important that you* always wear your safety belt*. Well, because if you're in a high-speed crash, it crushes all of your internal organs, preventing them from being harvested from your recovered body by greedy transplant surgeons.* "
—Mr. Lobo

"*Over one thousand Americans are killed every month in speed related crashes, that's twice as much as five hundred Americans! Don't tell me to shut up! Listen, listen! Speed-related crashes cost society twenty-three billion in statistical data gathering every year!* "
—Mr. Lobo

"*Ick, what carnage!*"
—Mr. Lobo

### Trivia

* When Mr. Lobo is cleaning Miss Mittens's remains off the asphalt in the closing scene, along with the expected potting soil there appear to be human-like organs, suggesting Miss Mittens is more than just a plant.