Fake TPOT 25b: Chocolate Solder

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
"**Chocolate Solder**" is the second part of the non-canon twenty-fifth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 19 December 1981. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. An alternate title of this episode is "**The Chocolate Solder**". During the creation process, this episode was known as "**Egdirb Gnissorc**".

Author's note: Hey, it's "finally" the beginning of the second half of *TPOT*! Where have you been? No, just kidding. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading! It just so happens that school has also started, but I'm going to try to finish this series by 2022... or at least before the next term begins in January. And who knows? Maybe TPOT 2 will come out by then, too, and that means a brand-new snarky review! TL;DR: The future is looking good for all y'all readers. (Knock on Pencil, or Tree, or whoever Pen is hot for today.)

Author's note, 15 January 2023: Oh crap, it's been almost two years since I started this series. Anyway, here's a nice little infographic if you're into 1970s fashion. Or Pen. Do people still like him these days? It's hard to tell.

Description if this were on YouTube:

Oh no! With Two in jail (maybe), a big sign in front of the front of the hotel that says "Host Wanted" (maybe), and the contestants coming back (definitely), how will our final 24 deal with these epic changes? Stay tuned to this tantalizingly terrifying and belligerently Book-erific episode of THE POWER OF TWO to find out!

Previous episode: "A Cheese Puff"

Next episode: "Taking the Plunge Once More"

## Cold open

### **Police station**

**Scene****Two** is being detained. Opposing them is **Spongy**, who works at the front desk at the police station.
* **Spon****gy**: Do you know why you are in here *toOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—***

[*The intro plays.*]

* **Spon****gy**: Day?
* **Two**: Because I was forced to go along with this stupid plan. I'm a number, remember?
* **Spon****gy**: So? It would be corrupt if I let you go because of your numberness.
* **Two**: Aw, I guess you're right. [*under their breath*] Objects...
* **Spon****gy**: And what plan are you talking about? You're here because you've been arrested. [*leans in*] Do you remember what you're guilty of?
* **Two**: Being a fabulous host? I get accused of that all the time, but I take it all in stride. Must be because of my sanguine, feely-goody personality! You should try it sometime!

[*Spongy does not look amused.*]

* **Spon****gy**: No, you're in here because you're being accused of torture.

[*Two throws their hands up.*]

* **Two**: Can I please speak with somebody else?
* **Spon****gy**: No.
* **Two**: Please?
* **Spon****gy**: No.
* **Two**: Please?
* **Spon****gy**: No.
* **Two**: Please?
* **Spon****gy**: No.
* **Two**: Yes?
* **Spon****gy**: I don't know why you thought that would work.
* **Two**: You're *Spongy*; I thought you were a pushover.
* **Spon****gy**: Rude. I should arrest you just for saying that. And what gave you that idea, anyway?
* **Two**: BFDI... insert episode number here.
* **Spon****gy**: Look, I've grown, and now I've been hired against my will by the police of this settlement. I don't need to be here now; there's a new episode of *Hostman Hat* today and I missed it because of work.
* **Two**: I sympathize with your pain, I really do. In fact, my contestants are probably arriving at my hotel any second now!
* **Spon****gy**: Doubt it. A show can't go on if the host has been arrested.
* **Two**: Oh yes, it can!
* **Spon****gy**: I don't feel like arguing with you.

[*Beat.*]

* **Two**: By the way, how are you a member of the police here? I thought that was reserved for valid currencies!
* **Spon****gy**: You don't know? Nowadays, sponges are used as money in many nations.
* **Two**: Name one.
* **Spon****gy**: I refuse to.
* **Two**: [*leaning in and whispering*] It's Toiletland, innit?
* **Spon****gy**: Yep. [*sighs sadly*]

## Second introductions

### **Inside the limousine**

**Scene**Most of the contestants are returning from the hiatus, including Remote (who would normally be waiting at the hotel, as in TPOT 19). They look excited as they sit in the limousine and talk with one another. They all look the same, except Pen is no longer wearing glasses and Basketball's antennae are now arranged as if they are two very thick strands of hair. Book is using the reflection from a magnifying glass to read herself and Coiny is sleeping next to Pin.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Good, I think we're almost done catching up.
* **B****atter****y**: Have I mentioned that I was appointed Chairwoman of the Goikyan Austrian—
* **Everyone**: [*speaking together, like in BFDIA 6*] Yes, Battery, you've already mentioned it.
* **B****atter****y**: Aw.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Nickel, I haven't heard from you yet! How was your break?
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh, me? I got a girlfriend!
* **N****a****ily**: What?

[*Coiny wolf-whistles jokingly.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Yeah, but she broke up with me when she found out I talk on a pay phone.
* **N****a****ily**: So do I! [*Beat.*] I mean, it's a common thing... right?

[*Nickel says nothing.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Okay, what about you, Clock?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I have a son.

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Aww, that's so cute! Do you have any pictures?
* **S****aw**: Yeah, can we see?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: No way!
* **S****aw**: Why not?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: The wife and I are very private people.
* **G****at****y**: I suppose that's typical behaviour of a man who says *the wife*.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I'm still trying to get it, okay?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Well, my wife and I had a good time, didn't we, GB?
* **Golf Ball**: Oh, yes, we did. The school board figured out we were coming back every break, so for the most part we got our old jobs back!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: That is... until we get eliminated.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Can you not talk about elimination right now?
* **Puffball**: Yeah, I'd like to wait till we get to the hotel.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But we *are* at the hotel.
* **Baske****t****ball**: What? [*looks out the window*] Oh. You're right.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Aw, seriously? This was such a fun ride!

[*Everyone looks out the windows to see the hotel standing as usual, but there is a police car next to it, along with* **USD Faulty Clone** *and* **Donut**, *who enters a bit confused.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Hey, what's that car doing over there?
* **Winner**: And where's Two?

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Everyone gets out of the limousine as they are faced with Donut and the new visitor. USD Faulty Clone is inspecting his vehicle while Donut looks on at his fellow contestants.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Everyone, there is a police officer here. And he looks angry.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Should we run away?
* **P****en**: Hold up. That's not just any officer, gang!
* **USD Faulty Clone**: [*not noticing*] Did someone say *gang*? As in violence?!
* **P****i****n**: Hey, I've heard that voice before! [*nudges Coiny*]
* **Co****i****ny**: E- eh, what?
* **P****en**: I think that's the same officer that arrested my brother back in '61!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You need to find better rôle models, Pen.
* **Co****i****ny**: Wait a minute... [*gets up*] That's my dad!
* **S****aw**: What?
* **Co****i****ny**: My dad! He works in this country, you know.
* **G****at****y**: You have a dad?
* **Co****i****ny**: [*laughing*] Ahhahahahaha! Of course I do! Where do you think I came from, a mint? You're the funniest, Gaty!

[*Saw awkwardly joins laughing.*]

* **G****at****y**: Oh yeah. We're friends now. Ha.
* **Ar****esko**: Isn't that one for a relationship change!
* **G****at****y**: Don't remind me.

[*USD Faulty Clone looks at all the contestants.*]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: Coiny? [*approaches him*] Is that you?
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah, it's me!

[*They shake hands.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: [*Aside.*] How strangely formal.
* **Co****i****ny**: So what are you doing here?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Can't say. It would be a breach of protocol to tell *anyone*, even my closest family members, about Two's getting arrested. [*immediately shushes himself*]

[*Ad frontem graditur* **Pin**.]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: Pin! Hello!
* **P****i****n**: Always nice to see you round.
* **USD Faulty Clone**: You mean *flat*, ha, ha! By the way, how are the kids?
* **P****i****n**: Pretty good. Lincoln just started junior high!
* **USD Faulty Clone**: That's good!
* **P****i****n**: Yep, his locker's between two guys twice his size.
* **Co****i****ny**: Funny stuff!
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Well, tell him to cool it with the name-checking. It's not right; why do you think I asked to be called *Officer Dollar*?
* **Co****i****ny**: Sure. Got it, Dad.

[*Beat. The other contestants look at them awkwardly.*]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: Oh yeah! Welcome, everyone, to the show that's hosted by a disgraced number.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Two got arrested, we kind of heard that already.
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Oops. Loose lips...
* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **USD Faulty Clone** **]**: Sink ships!
* **Co****i****ny**: Heck yeah, they do!
* **G****at****y**: [*Aside, to Saw.*] Coiny doesn't even have lips.
* **S****aw**: Yeah, his mouth is more like a line.
* **USD Faulty Clone**: I'd better go now so it doesn't look like I'm playing favourites.
* **Co****i****ny**: Okay, bye, Dad!
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Bye, favourite! Oh, wait. Your host asked me to show you this.

[*USD Faulty Clone hands Coiny a piece of paper detailing the contest information.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Did you read this?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: I'm a police officer; of course I did. Make sure it's not full of subversive, anti-object propaganda.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: And was it?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: [*whispering*] Yes. [*Aloud.*] Well, I'd better go, and for real this time.
* **P****i****n**: Bye, bye!

[**USD Faulty Clone** *goes into his car and drives off.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: So who wants to read the contest information? Book?
* **Bo****ok**: [*reading herself*] H- huh?
* **G****at****y**: Book, what are you doing?
* **Bo****ok**: Reading.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh yeah, you still have those auto manuals from the limo.
* **Bo****ok**: They're inside me! I think I've found a new hobby. Basketball, why don't you read? [*looks at her*] You look like you're ready for the *part*.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Sure, *now* someone talks about the Giant Two in the room. Yes, I made a hairstyle out of the muscle arms we got as a prize five episodes ago, and *no*, I won't be taking it off.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: It doesn't matter, as long as you're *hair* with us.
* **N****a****ily**: But too bad it's *perm*-anent!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wait, Naily, I think it's a *wig* improvement!
* **N****a****ily**: Yeah, BB, now we can tell when you're falling off a *quiff!*
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: *Weave* got to stop this.
* **N****a****ily**: We must *beehive* ourselves.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I think that's enough *buns*.

[*Naily and Price Tag laugh. Basketball rolls her eyes, trying not to giggle too, and picks up the paper.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Just as I thought.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What is it?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Today's episode will be hosted by Book, and the co-host is... me.
* **Golf Ball**: I wish you good luck.

[*Basketball approaches Book, who is still reading.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Book, do you think you can fulfil your hosting duties?
* **Bo****ok**: Yeah, okay, just as soon as I finish this chapter. Then we can do Cake at Stake!

[*View of the contestants sitting outside. Fade out to later in the day, when everyone is on the ground, relaxing.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Okay, now it's time for Cake at Stake! Theme song?

[*Beat.*]

* **G****at****y**: But they already played the intro.
* **Bo****ok**: Sorry, I meant... Cake at Stake song?

[*Book claps twice like Two does.*]

## Cake at Stake

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene**There's a new Cake at Stake theme. It plays as **Book** and **Basketball** get all the contestants to the roof of the hotel, situating themselves on the colourful risers (the same teams: **The Alefs**, **U**) and platforms (the team up for elimination: **Vitas**). All of the stuff belonging to the Vitas members have been moved to the half of the room that's not dedicated to Cake at Stake.

**Act V Cake at Stake theme**

**Vocalist(s)**: Unknown voice

[*Early-eighties new wave theme, featuring guitars and drums that have not been reverbed yet.*]

**?**: ♫ Cake at Stake! Cake at Stake!

Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake at Stake! ♫

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: What a song.
* **Baske****t****ball**: I know, right? What do you think of it, Book?

[*Book is sitting in the host's seat, still reading herself. Silence.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Ah, it's so nice to read when it's quiet.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Um... Book?
* **Bo****ok**: Yes, books do make good reading material.
* **Baske****t****ball**: No, *you*, Book, you're the host!
* **Bo****ok**: Oh yeah. [*looks up*] It's time for Cake at Stake.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Psst... You said that already.
* **Bo****ok**: So I have. Okay, er... Vitas. You were up for elimination last episode, and we've got [*number*]...

[*Book notices that the seats reserved for Lightning and Snowball are empty.*]

* **Bo****ok**: There are two seats that are empty. What happened to Lightning and Snowball?
* **T****r****e****e**: As far as I know, they've disappeared.
* **Donut**: They didn't show up at the New Year's party, did they?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I hope it wasn't a murder.
* **B****atter****y**: Maybe they're off the set, protesting unfair labour laws!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sure, because pointing at falling stones and laughing at it is something worth striking for. /s
* **Bo****ok**: Yeah... well... let's just pretend that they're dead and go on with this. And pretty soon, too; I can tell that you're dying to start the challenge or something! [*sees the contestants getting impatient*] So let's see here... um... Tree.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah?
* **Bo****ok**: You've received the most votes, with [*number*] of them. That means you get a prize!
* **T****r****e****e**: Okay, that's always nice to hear. So what's my reward for this episode?

[*Book tries to get something out of what TVTropes calls the "Hammerspace". Unlike most cases where a character does that, nothing emerges.*]

* **Bo****ok**: I don't have it.

[*Beat.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: [*disappointed*] Oh.
* **P****en**: Don't be too hard on yourself, Tree! You deserved the most votes!
* **Bo****ok**: Pen, you got the second-highest number, with [*number*].
* **P****en**: [*putting his fists up*] Eyy! Why didn't I get the most votes, eh? /j

[*Tree rolls his eyes as Pen laughs quietly.*]

* **Bo****ok**: And after that are Black Hole, Winner and Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh yay.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I can't wait to get my big sweet nothing. /s
* **Bo****ok**: Snowball, wherever he is, is also safe, and one could say the same thing about Donut.
* **Donut**: [*Aside.*] Bottom three, not good.
* **Bo****ok**: So now it's down to Battery... [*camera pan to Battery's scared expression*] and Lightning. [*camera pan to nothing*] Who will it be? They both received a similar number of votes!
* **Ar****esko**: Ooh, I hope Battery's safe. Début mates for life!
* **Bo****ok**: And eliminated, with [*number*] votes... *Battery*.

[*A dramatic sting plays.*]

* **B****atter****y**: What, I'm eliminated? But I've only been here for a few episodes!
* **Winner**: It's the Curse of David, Bat.
* **Donut**: It sucks, but that's how it is for new debuters.

[**Aresko** *and* **Price Tag** *hide themselves.*]

* **B****atter****y**: Okay. [*shows her arms*] Send me away, host! The Filing Cabinet awaits me.
* **Bo****ok**: What? I didn't know I was supposed to do that!
* **Baske****t****ball**: But that's your job!
* **G****at****y**: Yeah, Book. Saw and I sent Fanny away when we led the show.
* **B****atter****y**: And then she came back.
* **Donut**: That's true, but remember when I was the host? I sent Fries off.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: And then I came back.

[*Donut gives Fries a dirty look—he shrugs and walks off.*]

* **B****atter****y**: So after what has happened in the past, I should stay in as well!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I'm sorry, but you can't just do that. It goes against the *TPOT Game Rules*, and we all must defer to them.
* **B****atter****y**: What? [*pouts*] Even more than our personal ideologies?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I am afraid so.

[*Battery looks down and sniffles, attracting Clock's attention.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Wait, Clock. Let me get this straight.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Okay.
* **Baske****t****ball**: You're saying that we should be following the *TPOT Game Rules*, right?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Right.
* **Baske****t****ball**: And those rules were written by Two, right?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Right.
* **Baske****t****ball**: And Two's in jail now, right?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What are you trying to say, Basketball?
* **Baske****t****ball**: So... if you're following the rules of the competition, which had been written by Two, who's in *jail*... I think technically, you're deferring to a criminal.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: And a criminal is somebody who *breaks* rules instead of following them.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Right!

[*Clock looks up and realizes what this means.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Oh, shoot. Battery, I guess you're staying.
* **B****atter****y**: Yay, *spasibo!*

[*Battery kisses Clock on the cheek out of gratitude.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*Aside.*] Well, that's saying something. [*Aloud.*] Ehm... it was nothing, comrade.

## Post–Cake at Stake

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Post–Cake at Stake dispersion. **Book** and **Basketball** are talking about hostly stuff. The latter paces around the area.
* **Baske****t****ball**: So there are twenty-four contestants left. Nobody was eliminated; look at that. Now will this be good or bad for the contest? Book?
* **Bo****ok**: [*not listening*] Yeah... yeah... maybe.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Book, can you please look up? This is a little important.
* **Bo****ok**: Oh. Oops. [*looks up*] No, I don't think it's a bad thing. I've a good reason to assume that this contest is meant for twenty-three people instead of twenty-four, but as the host, I think I can sit this one out and read.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Hey...
* **Bo****ok**: I mean moderate.
* **Baske****t****ball**: That's the spirit.

[*Enter* **Naily** *and* **Price Tag**.]

* **N****a****ily**: Book, Book, Book!
* **Bo****ok**: Yes, yes, yes!
* **N****a****ily**: Taggy has a question!
* **Bo****ok**: Let's hear it.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: What's the next contest?
* **Bo****ok**: Oh, the next contest. [*looks down on the paper bestowed upon her*] Glad you asked.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Will it rot the brain?
* **Bo****ok**: [*reading*] Errrr... not this time. It appears that today's contest is a situational puzzle.
* **N****a****ily**: A what?
* **Baske****t****ball**: I think you should say it louder.
* **Bo****ok**: Okay.

[*Book sees* **Remote** *holding a megaphone.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Sorry to bother you, Remote, but are you using that megaphone?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Not until Wednesday. Why?
* **Bo****ok**: I'd like to try it out if you don't mind.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Be gentle. It belongs to Tree; it goes with his handcuffs and police uniform.
* **Bo****ok**: Why does Tree need a police uniform? I hope he's not trying to revive the Hamlet People.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: A bigger question is why he needs the handcuffs. In some episodes they don't even fit us.
* **Bo****ok**: Okay, then... You do you, I suppose. [*clears her throat and talks into the microphone*] ***Today's contest—***

[**Naily** *and* **Price Tag** *are almost blown away from the noise.*]

* **N****a****ily**: Ah!
* **Bo****ok**: ***It's a situational puzzle!*** [*to Basketball*] How was that?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Loud.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Scary!
* **Bo****ok**: I mean, it is a megaphone.
* **N****a****ily**: When I said *what* earlier, I meant "What does *situational puzzle* mean?"

[*Book pogs.*]

## Pre-contest

[*By now, all the contestants surround* **Book** *and* **Basketball**, *ready to listen to what she has to say next. Basketball silently counts the contestants in the background to see if anyone else has disappeared.*]

* **Bo****ok**: I'm so happy that you're all here! [*to Basketball*] Did I say that right?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, it looks like everyone's here.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: We're legally obliged to be here, just as Two is legally obliged to be in jail.
* **Co****i****ny**: *Heyooooo!* That was a good one, Clock!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Thank you, I ask for no reward.
* **Bo****ok**: Yes, that's right. Anyway, I will now read you a story.
* **Puffball**: Why a story?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Just listen carefully. It could be about the challenge.
* **Bo****ok**: Here we go...

[*Inspirational music begins to play as Book begins to read from the paper.*]

* **Bo****ok**: "Exactly 555 days ago, scientists discovered a new species of chocolate. It is shaped like a Liar Ball." You know, that's the kind of structure Loser was last seen in.

[*Winner gasps quietly.*]

* **Bo****ok**: "The new chocolate species looks like something a person could very well eat, and so many have tried that before realizing their fatal error: Once the chocolate is about five centimetres from the victim's mouth, it starts to duplicate itself every five seconds unless at least half of them are destroyed by some means. That means that, untreated, there would be two chocolate balls in the fifth second, four chocolate balls in the fifth second and, in the 2,763rd second, there'd be 14.7 quattuorquinquagintillion balls." Super super wow wow, over the top, extremesen, that's a really big number.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I'll say. That number's too large even for me!
* **Bo****ok**: [*still reading*] "Now if you were the poor sap who was in the room while the Invasion of the Chocolate Liar Balls took place, what would be the best way to stop them from doubling up?"

[*Silence. Golf Ball and Tennis Ball get out their calculators and notepads.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Are you asking us? This doesn't seem like something that could happen in real life.
* **Puffball**: It could happen on another planet.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Really.
* **Nic****k****el**: Who writes this stuff, anyway?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Numbers with nothing better to do.
* **Bo****ok**: And then it says that today's challenge is to find an answer that can be executed most successfully. I guess that's it for today's challenge, so... go.

## Contest

#### U

[**Clock**, **Naily** *and* **Price Tag** *sit together, talking about the contest.* **Golf Ball** *and* **Tennis Ball** *are nearby, quietly working on possible solutions.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Alright, there are five of us in this team. That makes us the smallest.
* **N****a****ily**: Only 'cause Basketball and Book are hosting!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Basketball can take part if she wants.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I don't think she can, at least not until Book's done reading.

[*He indicates* **Book***, who is sitting on the ground, reading herself with her magnifying glass again.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Hey, what's so great about those auto manuals anyway?

[*Enter* **Book**, *who has seemingly teleported to where U are. Everyone looks around, confused.*]

* **Bo****ok**: They're informative and fun to read!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: How did you...
* **Golf Ball**: [*looking up from her notepad*] Unfortunately, they are also very addicting.
* **Bo****ok**: Oh, Golf Ball, you can't get addicted to reading... Can you?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Some studies have shown that it is possible.

[*Book frowns.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Look, TB, I've finished! Come around, U! [*The other team members look at Golf Ball's notepad.*] This team has a surefire plan to get rid of the hypothetical Chocolate Liar Balls.
* **N****a****ily**: What does this mean?
* **Golf Ball**: Our plan is to—

[*All of a sudden, a giant, touchscreen-like rectangle suddenly sprouts from the ground. Everyone gasps.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: What is that thing?
* **Bo****ok**: I think Two installed it underground. According to this episode's manual, on this screen, you write down your answer so I can read it out loud in front of everyone.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's good hostmanship.
* **Nic****k****el**: I think you mean host-*woman*-ship.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Hostenbyship? [*Beat.*] Hey, that sounds similar to my dad's name. Kind of, heh.
* **Bo****ok**: Well, I'm going to check on the other teams. See U later!
* **N****a****ily**: U!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: U!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*bored*] U.

#### Vitas

[*As usual with this team lately.* **Battery**, **Donut** *and* **Winner** *are focused on the contest (they are seen drawing on a comically large sheet of paper in the background), while* **Black Hole**, **Pen**, **Remote** *and* **Tree** *are doing other things. Lightning and Snowball are still "nowhere to be found".*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Tree.
* **T****r****e****e**: Talk to me.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You're looking a little edgy.
* **T****r****e****e**: Good-edgy or bad-edgy?

[*Silence.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Forget it. Umm, Pen. You're the one with the crazy solutions. Why don't you do the contest for us over there? [*points to Donut's area*]
* **P****en**: Okay! [*pauses*] Wait, over where?
* **T****r****e****e**: Um...

[*Tree grabs Pen's baseball squeaky toy from the ground.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: There. [*squeak squeak*] Go get it, boy! [*toss*]
* **P****en**: I got it!

[*Pen chases after the ball, which lands on* **Battery**, *who falls off her seat. Winner looks at her confused and Donut looks at Tree.*]

* **Donut**: Dude!
* **T****r****e****e**: [*from far away*] My bad!
* **B****atter****y**: *Ach*, my headband!

[*Pen helps her up.*]

* **P****en**: Up you go.
* **B****atter****y**: Thanks.
* **P****en**: That was some fall you had there. You alright?
* **B****atter****y**: Sure, yeah, whatever.
* **P****en**: Hey, you're Battery!
* **B****atter****y**: No, Pen, I'm Nonexistko. Two made me visible and Japanese before their arrest. /s
* **P****en**: [*laughs*] I don't think we've ever talked before!
* **B****atter****y**: Yeah, well, that's because Vitas are basically two teams at this point. [*points to Black Hole, Tree and Remote*] There's no time to have a chat.
* **Winner**: Perhaps it'd be best if you had a chat over here.
* **Donut**: Yeah, guys, come look! This diagram to rid the world of chocolate balls looks pretty good.
* **[** **B****atter****y** · **P****en** **]**: Kay-kay!

[*They look at each other—Pen smiles. Meanwhile.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So, why don't you want Pen around *this time?*
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Don't you want to talk to him?
* **T****r****e****e**: Not now.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You also haven't said a single word about the break. I find it hard to believe, that after all your ecstatic post-bowling calls from that shady motel, you still don't want to discuss anything with us.
* **T****r****e****e**: I do eventually—and it wasn't shady. I checked the star rating before we went in, thank you.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Okay, then.
* **T****r****e****e**: Listen, I'm not saying that spending months with the bloke was a bad thing, but so much has happened there that you'd have to read a book to get the whole picture. And that's what I'm doing.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ooh. You're back to writing again, aren't you?
* **T****r****e****e**: Yep, I'm working on a draft in my second journal. [*pulls out his second journal—it is green*] See?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Can we have a read?

[*Tree growls and holds on to his book.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Don't touch my book!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, it looks like you've got that... *covered*.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Nice one, Mr. Hole. [*they *high-five**]
* **T****r****e****e**: Hey, enough with the puns. We've already got enough of the hair stuff today.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sorry. When he has another chance to be funny, he'll make sure you're not around. /s
* **T****r****e****e**: So... what about you, Black Hole? You look like you're desperate to let something out.

[*View of Black Hole. You can't tell, but he looks very excited.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, not literally, because once something is sucked into a black hole, it cannot escape, even if it's light.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Black Hole, the announcement.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh yeah. Tree, listen up, because Remote and I are proud to announce, that we've just launched our factional business. Hooray.
* **T****r****e****e**: Sounds so exciting.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It really is. Take it away, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Gladly. [*shows Tree a display on the rectangle meant for the contest*] We're selling Death PACT car mirrors, Death PACT bicycle streamers, Death PACT parachute pants and other Death PACT tchotchkes as far as the eye can see.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And let's not forget our set of Death PACT contact lenses, for those who can't see.
* **T****r****e****e**: That's great. Hey, where can I have a Death PACT nap?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, those won't be on the market until spring.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*lying down*] Think I'll get mine pre-ordered.

#### The Alefs

[**Coiny** *is writing on the screen-like rectangle as his teammates*, **Aresko**, **Fries**, **Gaty**, **Nickel**, **Pin**, **Puffball** *and* **Saw**, *look on.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Okay, that's done. So what's our last sentence going to be?
* **P****i****n**: Aresko, you haven't said anything yet. What do you think?
* **Ar****esko**: I know. "And they all lived happily ever after. The end."
* **Nic****k****el**: That's a great ending!
* **Ar****esko**: Thanks!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: It was two sentences, but... I can't think of anything better, so I'm just going to say it's good.
* **Co****i****ny**: And there we have it: Our final answer.

[*He shows everyone what he has written: a lot of small text in many sentences.*]

* **S****aw**: Hey, that's gr***8!***
* **Nic****k****el**: Looks like we're the first team done!
* **Puffball**: Yay!

[*Enter* **Basketball**.]

* **G****at****y**: Oh, hi, Basketball.
* **Baske****t****ball**: You called?
* **P****i****n**: We'd like to show you our team's strategy.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Hmm... [*looks over and reads it*] This looks too long. Not even Book would read this out loud.
* **G****at****y**: But, but, but in the end, it's the effort that counts, isn't it?
* **Baske****t****ball**: How about... you just give me a summary?
* **Co****i****ny**: Sure thing!

[*Coiny clears his throat for a ridiculously long time.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: When the chocolate ball is split in two, we take one of them out of the room and sell it to the nearest person.
* **P****i****n**: After selling it, we'll ask them to destroy it so no other copies can be made.
* **Co****i****ny**: Then we go to the chocolate ball in the room, wait for it to split again, and sell each copy made to more and more people until we're sold out and there's nothing left.
* **P****i****n**: And that's pretty much it.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Okay, that's interesting. And smart.
* **G****at****y**: There are a lot of issues in this—spoiler alert—but since this isn't happening in real life, I think we're fine.
* **S****aw**: Yeah!

[*Someone shouts in the background.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Oof, someone's calling me over. Bye!

[*Exit* **Basketball**.]

* **S****aw**: Coiny, can I ask you something?
* **Co****i****ny**: Uh-huh!
* **S****aw**: Why did you insist that we write down "sell the chocolate balls"?
* **Co****i****ny**: It's part of who I am, I guess. Did you know I was supposed to be a manager?
* **G****at****y**: You were? Which business school?
* **Co****i****ny**: None of them. Remember, I dropped out of high school to join BFDI.
* **G****at****y**: Oh.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: I thought you were going to be a policeman like your dad.
* **Ar****esko**: Yeah, Coiny, you *are* money; therefore you can get in.
* **Co****i****ny**: I don't know. Police work isn't really the best thing for me to do. All that serious business? I bet right now, my father is too busy even to play a game.

### **Police station**

**Scene****USD Faulty Clone** is staring intensely into **Two**'s eyes. **Spongy** is sitting somewhere between them. Silence for a few seconds.
* **USD Faulty Clone**: We can do this the easy way or the hard way, Two.
* **Two**: Okay, which one's easier? [*Beat.*]
* **Spon****gy**: Is this really how you do an interrogation? A staring contest?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Hey, the police were only started to stop sponges from seeing their stop-motion series. /j We can take as much time as we want.
* **Two**: Yeah.
* **USD Faulty Clone**: You don't get off the hook for agreeing with me.
* **Two**: Poo.

#### Vitas

[*The team, except for* **Tree** *(who is relaxing) are gathered around the giant sheet of paper, talking with one another in the background.* **Donut** *stares off into the distance, thinking.* **Winner** *approaches him.*]

* **Winner**: You alright?
* **Donut**: Oh. Oh, yeah, I was thinking.
* **Winner**: What is it?
* **Donut**: Nothing.
* **Winner**: Come on, Don, if you say you're thinking of nothing, you actually mean something.
* **Donut**: No, but I really am thinking of nothing! I haven't been getting enough sleep lately, and I was the third-to-last person safe at Cake at Stake. This is me trying to meditate...
* **Winner**: Oh, I get it. Let's just be glad we're not that popular for a change.

[*Meanwhile, Pen is tidying up the text on the screen-like rectangle.*]

* **P****en**: Aaaaand... done!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I've forgotten how good your handwriting is. Makes sense, because smart people write terribly.
* **P****en**: D'aww, thanks.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Did you have to take your cap off to write on it?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, it's clearly a digital display. You could have just used your finger.
* **P****en**: [*Beat.*] Oh. Well... if you got it, you flaunt it.

[*He laughs a bit and looks at Tree, who looks back at him without an expression. Enter* **Winner** *and* **Donut**.]

* **Donut**: Have you finished writing?
* **P****en**: You bet! Want to see?
* **Donut**: Er, sure.

[*Donut reads the text.*]

* **Donut**: "We eat the chocolate balls." I think I see a problem with this.
* **Winner**: So do I.
* **P****en**: It's not my penmanship, is it? Oh, I'd hate for something with my name in it to be connected with something awful.
* **Winner**: No, no. The chocolate can't enter our mouths or else they'll duplicate.
* **P****en**: That's not what I meant! I was saying that we should eat the chocolate balls as a team. After all, how many of us are there right now? Like, seven? I *know* from the bottom of my heart, that we're all strong enough to take down a bunch of tiny balls. We can do this, gang, as long as we do it together! *Whoo!*

[*Pen confidently fist pumps the air. Tree watches with the same neutral expression on his face.* **Remote** *and* **Black Hole** *notice and go back to him, while Battery reacts by her eyes turning to hearts.*]

* **B****atter****y**: He said *together*.
* **Winner**: Battereika Dierschelowitsch, don't tell me you are what I think you are!
* **B****atter****y**: *Liebe.*
* **Winner**: No, no, no, no, *macht's nicht!*

[*Battery walks up to Pen and leans on his barrel (his chest). She imitates the real-life actress Lauren Bacall as she flirts with him.*]

* **P****en**: Hi there.
* **B****atter****y**: So, Comrade Schreiber... big lad like you must be hiding something great under that cap of his. Is it... [*takes his arm*] passion for the proletarian cause? [*coughs*]
* **P****en**: Well, I don't like to boast, but I have been told that I'm quite smart.
* **B****atter****y**: Sure, Pen, by five-year-olds. /s I mean... [*back to her voice*] How's about you head to my section of the room tonight, and we'll... read my favourite manifesto? [*stifles a laugh and raises her eyebrows*]

[*Winner facepalms.*]

* **P****en**: Gee, that sounds awesome!

[*Enter* **Tree**, *suspicious as he sees Battery dancing and rubbing her foil headband against the back of Pen's cap.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Oi, what's going on here?
* **P****en**: Hi, Tree! Battery just invited me to her side of the room. I'm going to eat her "manic pesto".
* **T****r****e****e**: I think that's all well and good, but just so you know, Battery: last night this guy already had a very special person with whom to eat, erm, manic pest—Pen, she's talking about a *manifesto*, damn it.
* **P****en**: What's that mean?
* **T****r****e****e**: I'll tell you later. Alone.
* **B****atter****y**: Who cares if he had you last night? He's moved on; I could see it in the look in his eyes!
* **T****r****e****e**: Please, he has that look whenever he watches himself on TV. And by the way, he doesn't want you, so can I please have my Pen back?
* **B****atter****y**: Well... [*Tree glares at her*] Fine. I keep forgetting that collective ownership doesn't apply to relationships.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*to Pen*] Come on, ya gullible mug, let's go... wherever.

[*Tree puts his arm around Pen, who looks back and gives Battery a friendly wave goodbye. She rolls her eyes.*]

* **P****en**: Y'know, you don't have to be so protective of me.
* **T****r****e****e**: She was trying to take you away from my sway and into hers. You can't be a love slave of the reds, remember *From Tannu Tuva with Love*?

[*Exeunt.* **Winner** *looks on, confused as Battery goes back to normal.*]

* **B****atter****y**: Eh, that was just a fling that got away. After all, I'm already married to the Party. [*Winner shakes their head*]

### **Police station**

**Scene****Two** and **USD Faulty Clone** continues to engage in a staring contest. **Spongy** continues to be bored out of his mind.
* **Spon****gy**: This is getting insane. Why do all this if the loser gets to stay in a two-star cell?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: That's just how the law works, Spongy.
* **Two**: Wait, a two-star cell? Now I'm going to blink! [*blinking repeatedly*] Blink blink blink blink blink blink blink—

[*Enter someone into the station; we can only hear their voice, which should be familiar, as it comes from the first part of this episode.*]

* **Voice**: Excuse me?

[*Two whips their head around to see none other than* **TUB**.]

* **Two**: ***TUB, HELLO!***
* **T****U****B**: Hi, Two, you're here!
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Are you familiar with this person, Two?
* **Two**: Familiar with this person? Of course I am! This is one of my, er, friends, from the Equation Playground!
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Your friend, huh? That changes everything.
* **T****U****B**: Oh, I'm not here for Two.

[*Two gives a face of shock.*]

* **Two**: What?!
* **T****U****B**: No, I'm here because there's been an emergency. My cat just disappeared!
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Oh no!
* **Spon****gy**: That's terrible.
* **Two**: But what about *meeeee?*
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Is there a name we can call to find your cat?
* **T****U****B**: Why, yes. Her name is... Poopy Mayonnaise.

[*Two looks at TUB, confused.*]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: The first thing I will do is direct the Minister of Songwriting to write a song that heavily features your cat's name in the lyrics. Next, I will order every radio station to play that song 24/7 until your cat is found.
* **T****U****B**: Oh, thank you, Gogma bless you, kind officer, sir! Please, won't you rescue Poopy soon? She eats cornmeal, outdated encyclopedias and raised-ranch houses.
* **USD Faulty Clone**: On it! [*Beat.*] Spongy, will you do that for me?
* **Spon****gy**: Fine.

[*Exit* **Spongy**, *leaving Two and TUB with USD Faulty Clone.*]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: You know, Two, I think I blinked first. That means you get to stay in a five-star cell!
* **Two**: ***NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***
* **T****U****B**: Excuse me again, officer? I know Two is considered very attractive to the feline species. Would you mind if they went in search of her?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Sure, if that's how the algebraliens do it, then do it. Missing pets are nothing to laugh about.
* **[** **T****U****B** · **Two** **]**: Thanks, Officer Dollar!

[*They salute him. Confused, he salutes them back. Exit* **Two** *and* **TUB**.]

* **T****U****B**: [*going out*] Oh, Poopy!
* **Two**: Poopy Mayonnaise!
* **USD Faulty Clone**: [*sibi loquens*] Nice creatures.

### **Outside the station**

**Scene****Two** and **TUB** giggle like schoolchildren as they escape from police custody. Their laughter grows louder as they make their way to the hotel.
* **Two**: Hee hee hee hee hee!
* **T****U****B**: Ho ho ho ho ho!
* **Two**: Ah, TUB, I can't believe we did it!
* **T****U****B**: We escaped the law!
* **Two**: This seems almost too good to be true!
* **USD Faulty Clone**: That's because it is. Too good to be true.

[**USD Faulty Clone** *shines his flashlight on Two and TUB. He is angry.*]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: You two are coming with me.
* **Two**: [*looking back*] ***HOW?!***

## End of the contest

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene****Book** has gathered all the contestants—the contest is over.
* **Bo****ok**: You have all sent me some really good words.
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*Aside.*] That she didn't read out loud.
* **Bo****ok**: [*eavesdropping*] Yes, that's right. I didn't read them out loud, because it's much faster to read in your head! I figured that with less time to end this contest, I can get back to reading.

[*Awkward silence.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: But whose is the best?
* **N****a****ily**: And whose is the worst?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And whose is just right?
* **Bo****ok**: Hmm... after careful consideration, I still haven't got a clue who had the worst or most middle answer, but I do know who got the best. [*drumming her hands ceremoniously*] The winner of this contest is... U!

[*U cheer.*]

* **G****at****y**: Book, was there a little bit of bias involved?
* **S****aw**: Yeah, that's clearly your and Basketball's team!
* **Bo****ok**: Nope, no bias here, really. I think that Golf Ball and Tennis Ball's plan really made the most sense to me!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Thank you, Book!
* **Golf Ball**: We will name it in honour of you.
* **Bo****ok**: Oh good, I'd love to see my name on more stuff.
* **Ar****esko**: But Book... who's up for elimination?
* **Bo****ok**: That I do not know. We'll have to wait for whichever one comes earlier: Two's coming back or my finishing this chapter.

[*Everyone groans as Book sits down and reads herself again.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: In conclusion... inconclusive. [*sighs*]

### **Police station**

**Scene****Two**, and to a lesser extent **TUB**, are being lectured by **USD Faulty Clone**. **Spongy** smiles smugly in the background as he watches television in his desk.
* **USD Faulty Clone**: You illegally fled police custody, you wasted the Songwriting Minister's time and most importantly, you lied about the existence of a cat called Poopy Mayonnaise! What have you got to say for yourselves?

[*Two and TUB look at each other.*]

* **T****U****B**: In many cultures, the number four sounds like the word for *death* and should be avoided.
* **Two**: Facts!
* **USD Faulty Clone**: *No!* I wanted you to apologize!

[*He throws a tantrum like Coiny did throughout TPOT 8 and 10. Two and TUB look at each other again.*]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: Say sorry right now!
* **[** **T****U****B** · **Two** **]**: We're sorry...
* **Two**: That your son inherited the fit-throwing gene, ha ha!

[*He returns to his desk.*]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: Buuuut it doesn't matter anyway, because we're sending our Invisible Scouts to search your place and look for evidence that might make you innocent.
* **T****U****B**: What, you can do that, just search a place without a warrant? That sounds illegal!
* **Two**: Shut up, we might be innocent.
* **T****U****B**: Cool. [*reclines in their seat*] So how's your day been?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: [*getting up*] Hold that thought, because the Scouts are coming back.

[*He seemingly talks to the door.*]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: Did you find anything in there? [*Pause.*] Well, we can't punish them for that; this is a very liberated country in that way. [*Pause.*] I see. Did you find anything else? [*Pause.*] What's that? [*Pause.*] A ***WHAT?!*** [*Pause.*] No khway! Hallelujah! [*Pause.*] Alright, goodbye!

[*Pause as USD Faulty Clone looks at Two and TUB.*]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: Two, TUB, you're off the hook.
* **Two**: What?
* **T****U****B**: Seriously? How?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: I'll tell you when we get back to the hotel. I want all your contestants to hear this!
* **Two**: Okay then.

## Post-contest

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Later in the day. The contestants are just talking to one another, lying down on the ground.
* **Baske****t****ball**: So who do you think's going to be eliminated next?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: I'm guessing Battery.
* **B****atter****y**: Say what? I mean, that'll only happen if Two comes back and sees me still here.
* **Baske****t****ball**: That's true. We don't know when Two's coming back!
* **Ar****esko**: It could be ages.

[*The police car arrives. Everyone gets up excitedly as* **USD Faulty Clone** *gets out, along with* **Two**.]

* **Everyone**: *Twoooooo!*
* **B****atter****y**: Oh, *Scheiße*.

[**TUB** *slips to the back of the hotel without anyone noticing.*]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: Attention, everyone, I have some really good news!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: They're bringing back The Hamlet People?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: No.
* **Co****i****ny**: Tell us, Dad!
* **USD Faulty Clone**: I think I'll leave it to your host.
* **Two**: *I* am no longer arrested for torture and kidnapping!

[*Sounds of confusion.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Wait, you can just release somebody for such serious accusations like that? Without a trial?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Well, our Scouts found something interesting on the "Supplemental Vitas" floor of Two's hotel.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*Aside.*] Please don't be the bodies of Lightning and Snowball, please don't be the bodies of Lightning and Snowball.
* **USD Faulty Clone**: We found the bodies of Lightning and Snowball.
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, frick.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Dear me.
* **USD Faulty Clone**: They are alive. And ripsnorting.
* **Golf Ball**: Why announce that?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: We also found something else.

[*USD Faulty Clone brings up an electronic display. He shows everyone a picture of a bag of old cheese puffs, with the words "Property of Eraser ONLY" on it.*]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: Recognize these?
* **Winner**: Aren't those Eraser's cheese puffs?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: That's right! After seeing the snack of the day, the consumption of which was apparently permitted on the premises of the hotel...
* **Two**: [*Aside, to Clock.*] Heh heh, "permitted".
* **USD Faulty Clone**: We decided to drop all charges against Two and have 'em released!

[*Sounds of excitement.*]

* **Two**: I'm back, witches! And it's all thanks to Eraser! [*starts to dance*]
* **P****en**: Nice going! [*thumbs up*] We still miss you, bud.

[*Tree looks at Pen and the camera, confused about who he's talking to.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Who would have thought that a guy, for whom *studying abroad* means looking at gynaecology textbooks, could actually do something for the greater good?
* **Bo****ok**: Well, I for one am grateful and delighted that our host is back. In fact, the same thing happened in the book I have within me, see?

[*Book opens herself and shows everyone a bunch of text. USD Faulty Clone takes a closer look and changes the entire vibe of the scene.*]

* **USD Faulty Clone**: Wait a minute, Book. Those pages don't look as if they come naturally to you.
* **Bo****ok**: Huh?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Are those pages yours?
* **Bo****ok**: Well, no. I stole it from that car that took us here.

[*Basketball face-soles.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Why interrogate someone who always tells the truth?
* **USD Faulty Clone**: Book, piracy is a crime against objectkind. I'm afraid you'll have to come with me.

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Huh? Wait, what? [*gets handcuffed*] This is so against Jante's laawww! [*gets sent to the back seat of the car*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hey, Tree, don't you have the exact pair of handcuffs in your drawer?
* **T****r****e****e**: [*blushing*] Zhh.

[*The car drives off. Everyone is shocked.*]

* **G****at****y**: Well, that was a Bag-atha Christie twist.

### **Voting screen**

**Scene**Two stands in front of a background. Just like in TWOW, a bunch of words appear on the screen at a very quick speed with letters within square brackets.
* **Two**: Hey, viewers, in this act, I'll be doing something special. Instead of voting someone out, or voting someone in, you guys get to vote for an item—yes, an item—that could have a part in the next episode! Type the three component letters of the thing you want most to appear in the episode, in square brackets of course, and send it to us in the comments section! The overall most popular combination from these three categories will definitely make an appearance. Bye now!

[*Roll credits.*]

## Stinger

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**Night. Two is relaxing in their bed as the light glows dimly. They read the three responses to today's challenge.
* **Two**: Seriously, nobody thought of the obvious: just destroy them all!

[*Enter* **Battery**, *with her belongings.*]

* **B****atter****y**: *Servus*, hostie.
* **Two**: There's my most recently eliminated contestant! [*points at the door to the Filing Cabinet*] It's that door, you turn the handle, fall through the portal and you're all set.
* **B****atter****y**: Yeah, yeah, I know where it is. Uhh... I wasn't too radical today, was I?
* **Two**: Haven't seen the episode yet. What did you do?
* **B****atter****y**: Used subliminal messages on Clock so I could stay in the game and tried to tear Pen away from his plant in the name of communism.
* **Two**: I think you very well know the answer to that, Battery.
* **B****atter****y**: Yeaaaaahhh...

[*Two points at the door again.*]

* **B****atter****y**: Okay, I'm going.
* **Two**: Thank you.

[*Battery opens the door to see that the portal has taken up the entire room.*]

* **B****atter****y**: One last thing: You know what's funny? During my stay here, Remote and I have only interacted once! According to the fandom, that makes us a [*falls through the portal*] *COUPLLLLLLLLLLLLE!*

[*Two goes back to reading the responses.*]

* **Two**: Hello, what's this?

[*Two notices a small brown ball on the otherwise clean floor.*]

* **Two**: Chocolate? Since nobody's around, I think I'll eat it off the ground!

[*As Two's mouth is five centimetres away from the ball, it begins to duplicate.*]

* **Two**: Uh-oh.

[*Jump cut to the outside of the hotel. We can hear Two scream as the lobby quickly gets overtaken by chocolate.*]

* **Two**: Aaaaaah! Whose method should I use? Whose method should I use indeed? *AAAAAH! **NOOOOOOO!***

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

* Two was going to dance in the scene after Balloony called the police.
* USD was going to speak Google-translated Greek but with all the syllables reversed. (Like, "You have been charged with the torture of objects" = "Έχετε κατηγορηθεί για βασανιστήρια αντικειμένων" = "É-he-te ka-ti-go-ri-thí ya va-sa-ni-stí-ri-a an-ti-ki-mé-non" = "Nonmékitian aristínisava ya thírigotika teheé".) I decided to change it to English in reverse to make him more understandable. (But I did put what could have been in subtitles.)
	+ He was also going to copy Two's weird laugh from when they were listening to the "Video Killed the Radio Star" clone.
* C.V., the Cabinet Voice (who made her début in TPOT 13), had a few lines in this episode. I had to delete them after publication because I didn't add her to the line analysis at the end of the act.
* The unknown host's van was going to be called "Hermia" instead of "Uniqua".
* There was going to be a really long scene involving the eliminated contestants getting in the van and driving out of the FC. It was dropped because it was hardly relevant to the plot.
* Spongy was going to say *Die Nasty* instead of *Hostman Hat*. I thought it was more of his character to watch a children's show. I suppose he can be into *Die Nasty* if he wants.
* One reference to Coiny being a stereotypical WASP is good enough. Thus this line was removed:

**G****at****y**: I feel like I've died and gone to Anglo-Saxon hell.

* Book was going to call them the "Bygdefolk", which is Norwegian (*i.e.*, a less obvious reference for readers) for "Hamlet People" (the name I ended up with).
* The Alefs' original solution for the challenge was to use the process of soldering to get the chocolate balls to disappear. It's still a concept I'm a bit unfamiliar with, so I decided to have them sell them instead. (The title stays the same, though.)
* Remote and Battery were interacting with each other during the contest. I wanted Battery to have some meaningful final words, so I saved that for later.
* A rather un-BFDI-ish joke. Pen acts like a dad sometimes.

[*He is about to show Donut the screen, but he pulls it back quickly.*]
**P****en**: Too slow, ha ha! /j
**Donut**: Pen, show me the plan.
**P****en**: Yes, sir.

* After Pen makes his grand speech about team buddyhood:

**R****e****m****ot****e**: You do realize none of this is real, right?
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Come on, Remote, let's get back to sensible people.

* The altercation between Tree and Battery was going to be a lot more aggressive:

[*Winner facepalms.*]
**P****en**: Gee, that sounds awesome! I love comic books!
**B****atter****y**: I know you do, Velouchiotis.
[*Enter* **Tree**. *He is angry.*]
**T****r****e****e**: Oi, oi, what do you think you're doing?
**B****atter****y**: Inviting Pen to a private reading event at my place. And if you want to come too, I'm certainly not taking you.
**P****en**: Aww, can't Tree come, please? He loves to read!
**T****r****e****e**: [*ignoring him*] You don't react to him being a gentleman and helping you get up, you don't react to him taking his cap off, and yet he gives a basic motivational speech and you go mad!
**P****en**: What's going on?
**B****atter****y**: So what? Pen doesn't need someone who calls people like me "little commos". He needs me so he can join my revolution!
**P****en**: Um, is anyone going to ask what I want?
**T****r****e****e**: Well, guess what? Pen doesn't want that; he's too right-wing for you.
**P****en**: What? I'm not right-wing! Gosh, I don't even know how to fly.
**T****r****e****e**: Come on, mate, we don't need this toxic welcome-overstayer.
**P****en**: Okay. Bye, Battery! [*waves goodbye*]
**T****r****e****e**: [*putting his arm around Pen*] I'll always protect you...

* And another line from that scene:

**B****atter****y**: Is Pen really too right-wing for me?
**Winner**: If he thinks that term has to do with flying, probably not. And Batty, girl, you think Deng Xiaoping is too right-wing for you!
**B****atter****y**: Yeaaaahhh...

* There was going to be a tiebreaker in this episode. It would have been for all the contestants to cross a bridge.
* When Two comes back:

**Two**: I'm no longer arrested!
**Donut**: Oh, thank goodness. We kind of missed you around.
**Two**: Really?
**Donut**: Yeah! Even Clock's vaguely happy you're here!
**C****l****o****c****k**: Enh, I'm still feeling 5 out of 10.
**Two**: I'll take that as happiness!

## Notes

1. ↑ Ooh, a line taken from the human version.
2. ↑ Remote's obviously talking about Halloween, a holiday that Norwegians had very little idea about until 2000, according to The Culture Trip.
3. ↑ It is at this point that, if Eraser were still in, he'd be asking, "Which is?"
4. ↑ After 2,763 seconds, the chocolate balls would have duplicated themselves 552 times. If you put two to the power of 552, you would get that very large number. It would be best expressed as the equation here:

2

2
,
763
−
3

5

{\displaystyle 2^{\frac{2,763-3}{5}}}
5. ↑ Yay! As you'll see in the course of the second half of the series, the world is slowly becoming more technologically advanced than it was in the previous decade. I'm taking a few liberties, but seeing as much of the essence of the 1980s was simply looking to the future, I'll let it pass.

**Fake TPOT** [V]