Lewis Barański

Lewis Baranski on heat

Where do we fucking begin with this one.

**Lewis Łucasz Barański** (Ukrainian: Льюис Вкашь Баранські; born 21st April 1991) is the morbidly obese ex boyfriend of Alex Tucker, and Boot-humour founder, McCauliffe who now spends most of his time being an aquatic monster.

Barański is currently the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in the same alternate reality where his former partner Barbra McCauliffe is the president of the United States.

## Early life

Lewis Łucasz Barański was born to Ukrainian model Editha Barański (neé Megastan) and a Polish librarian father, at home in Rzeszów, Poland. Two years later, his mother and father split up, resulting in his father moving to the United Kingdom with Barański and his older brother Jakob. Throughout his early life, Barański was traveling backwards and forwards to Poland, Ukraine and the United Kingdom, until he finally settled in Orton Southgate in Peterborough, and attended Jack Hunt Secondary school, where he befriended Kai, an avid skater and surfboarder from Cornwall.

## Height of success

### **Acting**

 During 2009, Baranski met up with Barbra McCauliffe, and started an on-off relationship together much to McCauliffe' ex boyfriend Kasper Kjær Hjelmager's annoyance. The relationship did not work out, but both stayed friends, and still to this day McCauliffe uses Barański to her advantage. In late 2009, Barański began a relationship with a slag of a girl Alex Tucker. Whilst the relationship took place, Barański's acting career began, being featured in a movie short directed and filmed around the Ms Meadows Maths class in Ormiston Bushfield Academy called *Lewis on the Loose*. Lewis, using his large stomach, had to break through the wall to the classroom, and pursue fellow co-star Andrew Wright around the room, causing chaos and devastation wherever his bulging gut swayed. In a later interview Barański stated how much a "fantastic performer" Andrew was, and complimented him on his performance.

At the time of the shoot, Alex fell pregnant, and on April 11th 2010 gave birth to Felix Barański. Though keeping Lewis' surname, there was some speculation about Felix actually being Wright's son, after allegations of an affair taking place whilst the movie short was in production. The relationship continued without Lewis questioning Alex's motives.

### **Music**

Barański had a brief music career in 2011 when he released the unwanted-album 'The Definitive Collection'. The music was sub-par and it was not long until Barański was back in the bookshop. One of the most popular tracks was the French-language song '*Le Pet Puant Petits*'.. His Albums have received some success within the Tiny Town community in Poland, as well as small group in Peterborough.

## Lewis' Demise

After splitting up with Alex in early 2011, Lewis moved back to Poland to work with his father in the Bookshop. It was about this time Lewis came out as bisexual, and attempted an affair with the Barbra's boyfriend at the time Aiden Steele, sending him erotic images of himself and flirting with him over Facebook. After realising that Aiden was not interested, he managed get back in contact with his Mother, and flew back out to Ukraine for the first time in 8 years to become her official photographer. Lewis removed his information from Facebook in early 2011.

## Death of Jakob

In 2011, Lewis, his brother and Felix were allegedly killed in an accident involving a Kraft food lorry in northern Ukraine, after Lewis gave chase to it thinking that the image on the side was an actual chocolate bar. The accident resulted in the death of Jakob and potential brain damage of Felix, though surviving. Lewis was taken to Kiev general hospital after the incident, suffering with a broken leg, (which resulted in him gaining a limp) but was let off from any manslaughter allegations as Jakob's body was never discovered on the scene of the incident. Lewis refused to eat for 3 days whilst in the hospital, claiming he was still 'full' from the accident. Felix returned to his mother Alex, who placed Felix in care

## Later life

Lewis went through a drastic character development after he stopped being taken as a serious person. Whereas before he was a cute guy who had a bit of weight, he has now become unbelievably large and continues to grow.

### **Aquatic**

Lewis began to make the ocean and the bottom of lakes his new homes as he started to evolve into becoming some kind of huge sea creature. When at sea, he was often accompanied by fish that were using him as transport or sustenance.

### **Prime Minister**

In another political anomaly equal to that of the election of Barbra McCauliffe as president of the United States, Lewis was somehow elected as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. On the historic day he first entered 10 Downing Street, surrounded by the press, he was unfortunately so large he had to have several staff from outside try to push him through the iconic front door.

When he was finally pushed in, his appearance inside was described by staff as like that of a French animation. His stomach bounced back into its shape and his cheeks were flushed. As he made his way loudly upstairs, he decided it was too tiresome to walk the three storeys, so he ordered his dining room which was on the first floor be converted into his office.

From the outside, 10 Downing Street had noticeably bulged in size, as if someone had used a fish eye filter. It was during his time in office that Lewis gained the ability to always just be a bit too large for every room he went in. If it was a smaller room, he would shrink but still be too large to be in there.

On one occasion when Lewis was flown to the United States to meet president McCauliffe, he was invited to dine with McCauliffe at a lavish dinner. When Lewis heaved himself down, he actually picked up an entire table filled with plates of food for 23 guests and slowly pushed and poured it all in his mouth. After consuming the food and the entire table, he plucked a single chair from his mouth and set it back down. He then burped, which some mistook for thunder outside.

Baranski was welcomed to New York City by excited onlookers waving Union Jack flags. Instead of travelling by boat, Baranski swam there himself, flanked by boats with his staff wearing life jackets.

## Relationships

### **Relationship with McCauliffe**

McCauliffe first "met" Barański on Bebo when it was a social media platform, rather than a shit film company. At the time it was as if he was a completely different person. He was well-built, interested in music and street-dance and was genuinely quite hot. He was said to have been friends with Kai, another fictitious heartthrob. Barański's main purpose however was to act as a way of making ex-boyfriends jealous, and my god did it work. Overtime McCauliffe did not need Barański so much as she had started a new relationship. Barański joined Facebook after the collapse of BEBO, and subsequently became a tool for pissing McCauliffe's new Boyfriend off, by asking him a lot of personal, and sensitive questions. Almost over night Barański doubled in size, and weighed in, at his heaviest, 38 stone, and became the laughing-stock we all love and hate today.

### **Relationship with Alex**

Barański met Tucker whilst he lived with his father in the United Kingdom, and was friends with a lot of the old Bushfield Crew. He took an immediate liking to her, as he did with most people, and due to her slutty behaviour, the two were an instant match. The two dated for quite some time, a relationship fuelled by mainly alcohol and sex, and with no surprise it wasn't long until Tucker found out she was pregnant in 2011. Barański and Tucker perhaps calmed down their activities during the pregnancy, and Barański could have even been said to have 'stepped up his role as a father'. This however was short-lived, as when the baby was born, Tucker denied that the baby was Barański's claiming it to be Andrew Wright's instead, and so the relationship began to deteriorate.

### **Felix Tucker**

Felix Tucker is the biological son of Barański and Alex Tucker. Born in 2011, he would now be about 7... holy shit. Named after a grandparent on Barański's side, Felix got passed backwards and forwards between both parents, over who actually wanted him, before being placed in care. Or maybe it died, who knows. McCauliffe ended up with a baby-scan of Felix, which was taken in Poland, when Tucker visited some of Barański's extended family. McCauliffe's used it as the ultimate April fools joke, and it was worth it.

## Incidents

### **The Aeroplane Incident**

Whilst on a flight to Dusseldorf, Germany, for the Eurovision Song Contest, Barański was seated next to Our Mate and his pregnant thought-to-be-girlfriend Chav Rat, who were also flying there for the show. Barański had a window seat, but due to his forever-growing frame, he took up a lot of Mate's room also, who had to squeeze up closer to Rat, annoying Rat for now taking up her space. Barański, was said to have admitted a numerous amount of smells on the flight, as well as even throwing up at one point onto Mate. Barański and Mate met again for the return flight to London, where Mate had the misfortune of sitting next to Baranaski, and having the same experience on the returning journey; Barański was just a little fatter this time.

As the plane was landing (lopsided), Lewis decided he wanted to get out of his seat early to be ready for departure. As he rose, fat was so wedged into his chair that it literally was torn from the floor and remained stuck to him. In fact, the entire row of seats was lifted as well, including the seat Mate was strapped into, and Lewis waded down the aisle with his chair and two other seats beside him.

### **Bate Argument**

During the Bushfield filming, an argument broke out in a private message between Lewis and Andy over the now heavily pregnant Alex. Wright accused Lewis of being a fat prick and threatened to 'Bate' him if they were ever to meet. Their acting career together was over, and Lewis (as of yet) has never returned to his Acting Career.

## Personal life

### **Residence**

Baranski divides his time between two homes. He has one in Kiev, where he used to take care of his father's bookshop before it burnt down. He also lives at the bottom of a lake in Ferry Meadows, where he will occasionally emerge to eat bread intended for the ducks. Other homes include the ocean and 10 Downing Street.

While at sea, Lewis's large stomach often sticks up above the sea level. It has frequently been mistaken for a tropical island, and a palm tree has even been seen sprouting from his belly button. It sometimes serves as a party destination for holiday lovers, who dance and drink from a tiki bar that's there.