Fake TPOT 6: The Seekers Are Inn!

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Because the real-life version of this episode has already been released, this page can **no longer be edited**, except to correct the smallest spelling mistakes or to add/modify the episode's description.

"**The Seekers Are Inn!**" is the non-canon sixth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 31 October 1974. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 6 (or even TPOT 2) comes out.

Previous episode: "Two Rocks the Elderly"

Next episode: "Canned Laughter in the Rain"

## Cold open

### **Hotel room**

**Scene**The episode begins early in the morning. Rubber Spatula and Pen wake up in separate beds. Pen yawns loudly.
* **Rubb****er Spatula**: Are you always this loud?
* **P****en**: [*as if on impulse*] *Yes!* I mean, no! Wait... [*blushes*] Haha, what was the question?
* **Rubb****er Spatula**: Never mind.
* **P****en**: Well, it's such a bright day. Want to leave the room and do something *fun?*
* **Rubb****er Spatula**: No, I'm more of an indoors kind of guy. Let's find something to watch. There might be something on the foreign films channel.
* **P****en**: I'm sorry, but I'm feeling awfully particular today.

[*Rubber Spatula puts down the remote.*]

* **Rubb****er Spatula**: Doesn't seem like you were before.
* **P****en**: What do you mean?
* **Rubb****er Spatula**: Oh, you know, you've kind of got a reputation.

[*His eyebrows go up and down à la Tennis Ball and Golf Ball in early BFB.*]

* **P****en**: What're ya sayin', Rubbino?
* **Rubb****er Spatula**: Well, you were kind of going with my brother from the fatherland, and before that you were with Pencil, and then there are those rumours with, like, half of Death P.A.C.T. and all. Is it true? Do you get around?
* **P****en**: I do, as matter of f—I mean, I *did*. Look, there's nothing wrong with grown-ups having a terrific time if it makes the both of you happy. But it's not such a good thing if you think of it too much when you're supposed to be competing. You get my drift?
* **Rubb****er Spatula**: Not... exactly.
* **P****en**: One day you will. Why'd you ask, anyway? [*smirks*] You wanted a thing with me and I didn't know about it, eh? /j
* **Rubb****er Spatula**: What? No. No offence, Pen, but you're not exactly my type.
* **P****en**: Ò!
* **Rubb****er Spatula**: I'm sorry, but I'm more into bad boys with the rough edges, and you... you've been sweet and kind to me since the first episode. To be honest, it's a bit repulsive.
* **P****en**: Why, I ought to...
* **Rubb****er Spatula**: Do what?
* **P****en**: [*suddenly happy*] Thank you for your compliments. Y'know, after realizing that not everybody has to fall in love with me (and that's okay), I think I have finally woken up. Gee, I feel *awesome!*
* **Rubb****er Spatula**: Huh.

## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **Cake at Stake place**

**Scene**Donut strides around the arena (why do I call it an arena again?), ready to start the elimination ceremony as usual and probably for the last time. Some of the contestants are gathered around him.
* **Donut**: [*to himself*] Ugh, Pen, Pen... is he dead? And if he isn't, what's he doing?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: [*deadpan*] I think you mean, "*Who's* he doing?"
* **Golf Ball**: Fries, now's not the time for lowbrow humour! Every member of a team must be present during Cake at Stake, especially if his team is up for elimination!
* **Bo****ok**: Sorry, GB, but I can point to one instance during BFDIA 3 where your statement does not apply.
* **Puffball**: I remember that; it was when Spongy was gone, and I got the prize like always.
* **Golf Ball**: Heathens!
* **Donut**: Let's not call one another names right now, please! I think you're making people uncomfortable.

[*Tennis Ball is visibly shaking at the tension.*]

* **Donut**: And now, I can say that it's time for Cake at Stake!

## Cake at Stake

### **Cake at Stake place**

**Scene**After the Cake at Stake theme plays. Everyone is gathered, whether on the bleachers or in the middle of the arena.
* **Donut**: Are You Okay!
* **The team**: Yeah.
* **Donut**: You last lost—I mean, *lost last* time, so your team was up for elimination. We got [*number*] votes this time, a record high! Golf Ball, you got the most safety votes at [*number*].
* **Golf Ball**: My leadership never fails!
* **Donut**: Pen, you're also safe (wherever you are). And so are you, Tennis Ball!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Yay-awr! [*recycled line*] Don't I get a prize for being safe?
* **Donut**: I was going to give out cake. But I'm not going to do that today out of respect for Cake, who spoke too much last episode.
* **C****a****ke**: [*Aside.*] Wait, how does he know that?
* **Donut**: Eraser is *also* safe, despite his terrible triple murder.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*in the audience*] Hmph.
* **Donut**: And now it's down to Fries, Puffball and TV. Like me, you three started off in BFDIA, which I did not host for any episode. Two seasons later, you all competed in BFB, which I hosted for episodes 6, 7, 8 and some of 9!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Oh, please, just get on with it!
* **Donut**: Alright! TV… [*the camera zooms in on an empty space*] you received the third fewest number of votes. Shocking.

[*Ominous music sting.*]

* **Puffball**: Oh no, Fries, it's either you or me!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: They'd better not have voted you out!
* **Puffball**: Well, I do have the lovely voice.
* **Donut**: That you do, Puffball. And the person eliminated, with [*number*] votes compared to the other one's [*number*] ...

[*Pause.*]

* **Donut**: Fries. Are you feeling alright?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Su-hu-hure, I'm in the bottom two at Cake at Stake and I might get sent to a two-star hotel. I feel fabulous. /s
* **Donut**: Good. Because you're eliminated!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Gah, I shouldn't keep falling for that!

### **Outside the hotel**

**Scene**Jump cut to Are You Okay saying their goodbyes.
* **Puffball**: I'm going to miss having you here.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: And I'll miss you too.

[*They hug.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Fight the good fight for me, will ya?

[*He backs into the hotel.*]

* **Golf Ball**: It has been a pleasure to have you serve me on this team.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Thanks, you lot. Wait, wha—

[*He closes the door, not even pretending that he didn't hear that last remark.*]

* **Puffball**: I miss him already.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Me too!
* **Golf Ball**: And I miss sensible golf attire. [*happy*] Now let's talk strategy so we can win!

## Post–Cake at Stake

### **Outside the hotel**

**Scene**Donut stands outside the front door, ready to tell all the contestants the next challenge.
* **Donut**: The contest for this episode is—

[*A popping sound can be heard. Donut doesn't notice.*]

* **Donut**: Census! You must all go inside Two's hotel and collect basic demographic data from as many guests as possible. Whoever gets the most people to give them their information is... is...

[*He notices everyone staring at him with faces of either confusion or surprise or, in the case of Black Hole and Robot Flower, nothing.*]

* **Donut**: Erm, why are you guys looking at me like that?
* **Ma****r****ker**: Uh, turn around.

[*Donut turns around and sees* **Two**, *who had appeared out of nowhere with the popping sound. They have a very large smile on their face.*]

* **Donut**: Ah! I mean, Two, you're back! Did you... want to say something?

[*Silence for about 2.763 seconds.*]

* **Donut**: Well?
* **Two**: [*to everyone*] Thank you.

[*Everyone looks at one another. About half of them know what's going on.*]

* **Donut**: So you received my hole message.
* **Two**: Received it loud and clear.
* **Winner**: What did they say?
* **Two**: They told me to*OOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***—

[*The intro plays.*]

* **Two**: —say this.

[*Two raises their hands.*]

* **Two**: Guess who got a job as the new and *permanent* host of TPOT?

[*General sounds of approval.*]

* **G****at****y**: Wow, that's, that's terrific, Two!
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah, it sure is!
* **Two**: It is indeed great, coin creature, in the highest degree! I have never felt so happy before! I feel like I want to... I feel like I want to...
* **B****e****ll**: [*Aside.*] Don't say sing, it's not a musical.

[*All of a sudden, an awful wet fart sound effect can be heard as Two begins to sneeze some very large, cement-coloured cylinders out of their nostrils, which are located where their belly button should be. This happens thirteen times.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: [*confused*] Uhhhhh? What just happened?
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy is *shucked!*
* **Baske****t****ball**: It's *shocked*.

[*One of the unknown-bleck cylinders starts making noises. Just like Black Hole, it moves up and down so we know who is talking.*]

* **Voice**: [*muffled*] According to my research, some algebraliens, after recovering from extreme sadness, sneeze out dead people!
* **N****a****ily**: Well, that puts a mystery into their character.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: You're still shocked?
* **Bo****ok**: Wait, that's Pillow's voice!
* **Two**: That it is! That's because I have recovered everyone who needs to be recovered through my unknown-bleck snot.

[*Two smiles proudly.*]

* **Donut**: Wow... uh... thanks for that, Two! [*Beat.*] So... can you get them out?
* **Two**: No.
* **Donut**: Why not?
* **Two**: They can only get out if one person is strong enough to escape by themselves. But once that person starts to see the light, those unknown-bleck cylinders will open like— [*snaps their fingers*]
* **Yellow Face**: Yeah! Like— [*makes a clicking sound with his mouth because he has no fingers*]
* **G****at****y**: Wow, another biology fact.
* **E****g****gy**: Will we be quizzed on this, Two?

[*Two shakes their head rapidly.*]

* **Ma****r****ker**: So *who* will be the first one out?
* **Two**: Who d'ye think would be the most angry that they died?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I think I know the answer to that.

[*A bright light appears for about half a second. The sound of breaking glass is heard as* **Tree** *escapes from the cylinder, his limbs outstretched as if he were T-posing (well, more like "大-posing"). He looks absolutely furious.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Grrrrrrr! [*sounds like "Gee ar ar ar ar ar ar ar"*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hey, you!

[**Pillow** *escapes her cylinder in the background. She can be seen dancing and cartwheeling over to her team.*]

* **Ma****r****ker**: You're back in the game!
* **T****r****e****e**: After an unnecessary death. No thanks to *him*. [*looks behind*] Where is that pink menace, anyway?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Tree, we need to talk about the lodge incident.

[**TV** *escapes his cylinder, visibly smiling.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: TV, you too, come with us.

[*He and what remains of Death P.A.C.T. Again walk away. Meanwhile,* **Lightning** *is freed.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Oh no, am I being left out again?

[**Remote** *and* **Fanny** *are freed.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Run, Lightning.
* **Fan****ny**: You mean, *float!*

[*The three of them join their teammates.* **Nickel***'s cylinder breaks.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: [*sighs*] Every season.

[**Pin** *and* **Saw** *escape their cylinders.*]

* **P****i****n**: Not IDFB, Nickel!
* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **G****at****y** **]**: **[** Saw! I mean, Pin! · Pin! I mean, Saw! **]**

[*Coiny and Gaty look at each other awkwardly.* **Eraser** *is freed.*]

* **Eraser**: Oh yeah!
* **Golf Ball**: Shameless brute. Walk with me, TB!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Okay.
* **Eraser**: What, what did I do?

[*Pause.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: There are three cylinders left. Who else is dead?
* **Two**: Get ready for a surprise!

[**Bottle** *is freed from the cylinder. She vogues like Madonna.*]

* **Everyone**: Bottle!
* **Winner**: Welcome back, teammate!
* **Bot****tle**: Oh, cool! What year is this again?
* **Yellow Face**: The future! Oooooooh!

## Pre-contest

[*Fade to Bottle sitting with the rest of her team. At the moment, that's only Winner and Yellow Face.*]

* **Bot****tle**: I'm so excited to start talking about my death!
* **Two**: There's no time for that now, because everyone is now alive and ready for the sixth challenge!
* **S****aw**: Er, Two, if everyone is alive, then why does it seem like there aren't as many people around? And what about those two unknown-bleck cylinders?
* **Two**: One question at a time, Saw! But... to answer your second question, these two cylinders—
* **G****at****y**: Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait, don't most people answer the *first* question first?
* **Two**: Not me!
* **Golf Ball**: Get with the times, Portal, Two's a even prime.

[*Silence.*]

* **Golf Ball**: [*angry*] The one day of my life I make a joke and no one laughs?! TB! Guffaw to up my spirits.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Ha.
* **Two**: Bye-bye, then.

[*Two flings the two cylinders up to the top of the hotel. They break from the fall—off-screen—but we can hear who was in them.*]

* **9****-B****all**: *Ai!*
* **B****atter****y**: I'm freeeeeeeeee!
* **Eraser**: [*making shoving gestures, but no one is standing in his way*] So what's the contest?
* **Two**: *That* is my answer to Saw's first question! As you might have guessed, there are five contestants who are still in my hotel when they should be out here competing with the rest of us! Your team must find exactly one contestant and bring them here to me! The team that doesn't will be up for elimination. Go!

[*As Two says "Go!", six pieces of paper—one per each team—fall from the sky. A closer look at the paper reveals the text below.*]

Welcome to your sixth challenge! Please find one (一) (૧) (໑) contestant to save from the horrors of my hotel. \*snort\* Horrors, get it? Of course you do.

Anyway, this is serious business. You will hear my beautiful, glorious, radiant, loud voice over the intercom announcing when a contestant is found by one of the other teams. I want you to cross that person's name off the list because they will no longer be findable. And when you've found your contestant, have them sign their name and your team is safe! These contestants are:

**Barf Bag

Clock

Cloudy

Pen

Rocky**

## The contest

### **Outside**

**Scene**As soon as the contest begins, everyone enters the hotel building except for eleven: the members of Are You Okay and Death P.A.C.T. Again.
#### With Are You Okay

* **Golf Ball**: Are You Okay?
* **Rest of her team**: Yeah.
* **Golf Ball**: I've got to put a stop to that.
* **Eraser**: So what are we doing, GB?
* **Golf Ball**: I have a well thought-out plan that I know will ensure our success in this contest.
* **Puffball**: But you said that last time, and we lost.
* **Golf Ball**: I did say that last time, and we lost, but... but that was...
* **Eraser**: [*taunting*] Yeah? What was that?
* **Golf Ball**: A freak accident, brought unto by a freak!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: But TV's not a freak. He's a person like you and me.
* **Golf Ball**: He was controlled by a murderous freak virus.
* **Puffball**: Wasn't it *you* who programmed him?
* **Golf Ball**: [*realizing her words*] That— that is not the issue!
* **Eraser**: Eyy, Puffball!

[*Eraser high-fives Puffball for her remark by accidentally sending her flying. She comes back.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Anyway, where is that mechanical mind?

#### With Death P.A.C.T. Again

[*The team are sitting together with TV, not even talking about the contest.*]

* **T****V**: Black Hole, could you please pull me in?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: In what way? I could suck you up, but that wouldn't be in line with my promise, to prevent death.
* **T****V**: I'd like to know why you called this meeting with me, super secret.

[*Zoom out to see a number of recommended characters milling about the field again.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Have any of you heard of the mad one's eye?
* **T****r****e****e**: No, I've never dabbled in that kind of witchcraft.
* **Fan****ny**: Well, I have!

[*Silence.*]

* **Fan****ny**: Don't look at me like that! It was a phase!
* **T****r****e****e**: Not that. You say you know about the mad one's eye.
* **Fan****ny**: Yes, loads. The mad one's eye is—

[**Two** *pops in out of nowhere.*]

* **Two**: Hey, everyone, you should be entering the hotel now. All the other teams have already started searching!
* **Fan****ny**: But I was just beginning to speak!
* **Two**: The least you could do is talk whilst walking. [*to Are You Okay*] And that goes for you, too!
* **T****r****e****e**: Ah, trunk this, we've got a challenge to do.

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**The members of The S! (Bottle, Winner and Yellow Face) are asking the front desk guy about where their teammates, namely Cloudy and Rocky, are. Note that the original secretary, Hotel Bell, has been replaced (she was indeed fired) and replaced by **Hop Bell**.
* **Ho****p Be****ll**: Well, there are no rules against knocking on random people's doors and hoping that they're a TPOT contestant. So... [*looks around*] just do that and don't mention my name, okay?
* **Winner**: Got it!
* **Bot****tle**: [*goofily*] Don't mention my *name*, Yellow Face! Ha, ha! Get it?
* **Yellow Face**: Not really.

[*Exeunt* **The S!** *up the stairs. At the same time,* **The Strongest Team on Earth** *(Basketball, Bell, Eggy, Foldy, Grassy, Robot Flower and Snowball) rush to the front desk.*]

* **Ho****p Be****ll**: Hey, Bell!
* **B****e****ll**: 'Sup, cuz.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Most of my team are going through identity crises.
* **Snowball**: Yeah, it's weird. Now ***GIVE US PEN!***
* **Ho****p Be****ll**: Okay, okay!

[*He gives Snowball a complimentary hotel pen.*]

* **Snowball**: [*slamming it on the table*] You think that's the pen I'm looking for?

[*As this dialogue exchange happens in the background, the* **team8s**, **Just Not** *and* **Death P.A.C.T. Again** *go up the stairs quietly.*]

* **Ho****p Be****ll**: I'm sorry, sir, but I can't just give out the whereabouts of our guests...
* **Snowball**: I look for skinny white boy with the ***CAP!*** You got it or not?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Oh, puh-*lease*, circular light grey boy SB-kun.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Wait, why do we want to find Pen? I thought we agreed on Rocky!
* **Snowball**: Pen's the only one who doesn't call me *stupid!*
* **E****g****gy**: Silly Snowball, everyone knows stupid people don't call each other stupid.
* **B****e****ll**: Whoa. That is far out.
* **E****g****gy**: You know I'm always spittin' facts.
* **Snowball**: [*to Hop Bell*] Don't make me do this!
* **Ho****p Be****ll**: What?
* **Snowball**: I'm going to call your *manager!*
* **Ho****p Be****ll**: You're going to make me call *Two*, who is also *your* manager? Huh, co-worker?
* **Snowball**: I make less than a *hotel employee?*
* **Ho****p Be****ll**: Gosh, rude! The pay may be low, but unlike most bosses, Two has compassion and integrity, two things *you* could learn a thing about.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: [*Aside.*] That bro is *burned!*
* **Gra****ssy**: Charred!
* **F****old****y**: Straight-up roasted!
* **Snowball**: ***NOOOOOOOOOOO—***

### **Top floor**

**Scene**One of the quieter floors in Two's hotel, it's also the first choice for two of the teams.
#### With The S!

* **Yellow Face**: Winner, why did we start up here again?
* **Winner**: Because winners start from the top.
* **Bot****tle**: They also go to the bottom!
* **Winner**: Only if everyone goes down too!
* **Yellow Face**: I like your logic. Now let's start knocking.

[*Bottle starts to knock on Winner's head.*]

* **Bot****tle**: Hee hee! Knock, knock!
* **Winner**: [*gasps*] Who's there?
* **Bot****tle**: Could this be love that's calling?
* **Yellow Face**: [*by a door*] This door is always open wide!
* **Winner**: Well, that's where the cleaning supplies are, I think.

#### With Are You Okay

[*Enter* **Are You Okay** *(Eraser, Golf Ball, Puffball and Tennis Ball), who march onto the scene. This time, TV is with them.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Pay no attention to the team we're about to pass.
* **Eraser**: Hey, Yellow Face! Free food?
* **Yellow Face**: Free food!

[*Yellow Face eats something that was on the ground. One hopes it was food.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Wow.
* **Puffball**: Do you know what we should be doing right now, Golf Ball?
* **Golf Ball**: The plan is to start from the top and go down. I figured that since TPOT contestants tend to get higher-quality rooms in hotels like these, they will most likely be found on the expensive top floor.
* **Eraser**: Please, GB, not everyone can afford it here. And when are we going to search for Pen?
* **Golf Ball**: ***NEVER!***
* **Puffball**: [*looking around*] Shh.
* **Golf Ball**: We will not be searching for anyone in particular; we'll simply find the first door behind which we suspect a contestant.
* **Eraser**: But I *can* find Pen! He's our teammate, you know?
* **Golf Ball**: Of course I know! But we must not deviate from this plan!
* **Eraser**: No, you don't get it. We both have such a [*very deep voice*] deep connection... [*normal voice*] that one of us always knows where the other is. It must be in-stank or something.
* **Golf Ball**: That's pseudoscientific!
* **Eraser**: Pseudo-yourself, Golf Ball. I know where to go.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*Aside.*] Maybe we should follow Eraser, you know, so as to prevent another "8-Ball incident".
* **Golf Ball**: Ugh, fine. But just for this episode! [*to Tennis Ball*] Let's see if he can be trusted.

### **Lower-middle floor (With Just Not)**

**Scene**Just Not start their hotel search in this area, somewhere between the lowest and middle floors of Two's hotel building.
* **Nic****k****el**: Why did we choose this floor again?
* **Bo****ok**: Because we can walk up here without getting tired.
* **N****a****ily**: And this is where Bomby lives.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: And we don't have to take the elevator!
* **C****a****ke**: You know, it was working perfectly the last time I was in it.
* **N****a****ily**: Sure, Cake, but what about the last time we were all on it?
* **C****a****ke**: Huh, good point.

[*Music starts to play very faintly in the background.*]

* **Pill****ow**: Hey, does anyone hear music?

#### Inside Ruby's hotel room

[*A very festive scene.* **Ruby**, **Bubble**, **Balloony**, **Cloudy** *and* **Rocky** *are having a party not unlike the ones seen in films about "college life". The viewers see Ruby dancing giddily as in BFDIA 5a, Bubble imitating one of the dancing kids from the Charlie Brown Christmas special, Cloudy bouncing on the bed and Balloony filling his mouth with aerosol cheese. Rocky is not present although it is currently implied that he is in the hotel room.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Woo hoo!
* **Roc****ky**: [*from the bathroom*] Bulleh!
* **R****u****b****y**: Party all night, truckers!
* **Balloony**: But it's daytime.
* **R****u****b****y**: It is? Oh my mine, we'd better tone things down a bit.
* **Cloudy**: Keep the music running, I want to collect some tunes.
* **R****u****b****y**: Okay!

[*Knock on the door.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: I'll get it!
* **R****u****b****y**: I'll go with you in case it's a hotel worker who wants an alibi!

[*Bubble opens the door to find all of Just Not on the other side.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Uh, it's Naily, Cake, Nickel, Pillow, someone else and— [*gasps*] Book!
* **R****u****b****y**: Former FreeSmarter, aaaaaaaaaaah!
* **Bo****ok**: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Wee-woo-wee-woo, alloyance alert!
* **Bo****ok**: [*happy*] Bubble, Ruby! I didn't know you were behind all this noise!
* **R****u****b****y**: Like heck we'll turn it down, girl. Come on in, all of you!
* **Bo****ok**: Oh, this is Price Tag, by the way.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Better known as Taggy!
* **R****u****b****y**: Well, Taggy, do you like to *par-tay*?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Only if it's Pig Latin for *t-par*!

[*Silence. Then everyone cheers. Meanwhile, Nickel notices Balloony sitting in front of Cloudy on the bed.*]

* **Balloony**: Nickel!
* **Nic****k****el**: Dad!
* **Balloony**: Give us and your tadig a hug, son! [*Subtitles: "Give us and your tadig (Breton for "father") a hug, son!"*] Hup!

[*Balloony lifts Nickel up and sets him down on the bed.*]

* **[** **B****u****b****b****l****e** · **R****u****b****y** **]**: That's **[** soio · so **]** cute!
* **Cloudy**: Nickel, you're alive! Armless hug!
* **Nic****k****el**: Right back atcha!
* **[** **B****u****b****b****l****e** · **R****u****b****y** **]**: That's **[** soio · so **]** cute! Again!
* **Bo****ok**: Gee, I'd really hate to spoil all the fun we're having, but... we'd better get this signed.
* **R****u****b****y**: Oooooh, what is it? Can I sign it with my mind? [*she puts her hands on where her ears would be*]
* **Bo****ok**: Sure, but... this is really just for Cloudy.
* **Cloudy**: Huh?
* **N****a****ily**: Two needs you to sign that you exist and our team is safe!
* **Cloudy**: Our team? You are all on Just Not. And besides, there are other problems here.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Aw, come on. Temporary alliance between teams, at least?
* **Nic****k****el**: No, you guys don't get it.
* **Balloony**: Cloudy has trouble writing!
* **Bo****ok**: I never knew you didn't write!
* **Pill****ow**: I don't!
* **Bo****ok**: Um, Pillow, I was talking about Cloudy.
* **Pill****ow**: So was I!

### **Upper-middle floor**

**Scene**A rather dark corridor in the hotel, a stark contrast to the bright daylight to which we are accustomed.
#### With the team8s

[*The "sensible half" of the team,* i.e., **Donut**, **Gaty** *and* **Saw**, *lead the way.*]

* **S****aw**: I still can't believe you follow those rumours.
* **G****at****y**: This is the scariest room in the hotel, and aptly named too. There's bound to be a contestant in here.
* **Donut**: Yeah, who names a room "Six Six Six" and expects people to stay in it?
* **G****at****y**: Uh, Donut, it's actually called "Room Sick Sick Sick". The *s* at the end of each word is silent.
* **Donut**: Do I look like I'm one of The S!?
* **S****aw**: Hey... where's the rest of our team?

[*Enter* **Coiny**, **Pin** *and* **Needle**, *who are hugging one another out of fear.*]

* **P****i****n**: Coiny, I'm scared!
* **Need****le**: Coiny, I'm scared too!
* **Co****i****ny**: Well, don't be! I could really use two tall defenders... 'cause I'm scared, too!
* **P****i****n**: Hold me!
* **G****at****y**: [*groans*] Dorky much?
* **Donut**: Well, here's the room we've got to enter.

[*Donut knocks on the door. No reply.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Donut, step aside. [*places his hands against the door without touching it*] Open, palm oil!

[*Beat.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Huh. Usually works in stage performances.
* **G****at****y**: Coiny, *of course* that method wouldn't work in a two-star hotel. Here, watch this.

[*She opens the door with her leg.*]

* **Donut**: Now that the door's open, let's walk in!
* **Need****le**: We'd better be quiet. [*very high voice*] This is kind of creepy!
* **P****i****n**: ***SQUEAK!***

[*Everyone looks at her.*]

* **P****i****n**: Sorry, I wanted to see how high my voice could get.
* **Need****le**: That's *loud*, not high.
* **P****i****n**: Sorry.

#### Inside Room Sick Sick Sick

[*Everyone is suddenly surrounded by darkness, although we can see the contestants' vague shape through the dark blue light. Creepy music, with a lot of high-pitched violins and all that.*]

* **S****aw**: I've never walked through complete darkness before.
* **G****at****y**: I have. You wouldn't like it.
* **S****aw**: Yeah, it doesn't seem all that gr***8!***
* **Donut**: Shh! This is still a hotel room that isn't ours.

[*A familiar voice from the team rings in the background.*]

* **Barf** **Bag**: Saw?! Is that you?
* **Donut**: Barf Bag?
* **G****at****y**: Or Taco. I could never tell the difference just from their voices.
* **S****aw**: What would Taco be doing here?
* **G****at****y**: They sound the same.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Hello, it's me, Barf Bag!
* **Donut**: Hold on, let me find a light!

[*He fumbles around for a while.*]

* **Donut**: Er, found one!

[*Donut switches on the light switch and sees* **Barf Bag** *and* **Clock**, *still chained to the wall. They appear to be in very bad shape.*]

* **Need****le**: Oh!
* **Co****i****ny**: Clock, you're in here, too?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Finally, you've come to rescue us!
* **Donut**: Well, not exactly. Two wants one of you to sign this paper... and after that, we're supposed to leave you.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What?
* **Need****le**: I think Clock should sign. He's really good with his hands!
* **S****aw**: Well, I think Barf Bag should sign. After all, her arms were made for writing.
* **G****at****y**: Naturally, I second that. She's also on *our* team, remember?
* **Donut**: Ooh, that's good. Barf Bag, do you mind?

[*He hands her a pencil. She signs from the chains.*]

* **Two**: [*over the intercom*] Barf Bag has been found; the team8s are safe!

[*Pause.*]

* **S****aw**: Whoa.
* **Barf** **Bag**: So I can't get out of this thing?
* **Donut**: Sadly, you can't. It does not say so on the paper.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, you can't argue with the rules. But can you at least free *me?* I'm upside down!
* **S****aw**: But we've got other things to do!
* **Donut**: Yeah, and no offence, but you're not exactly that... relevant.

[*Clock growls in French (sounds like "Gé erre erre erre erre...").*]

* **Need****le**: What a guy!
* **P****i****n**: Was that a monster?
* **Donut**: Ruuuuuuun!
* **Barf** **Bag**: Don't just leave us here!

[*Exeunt the* **team8s**. *Coiny, the last one out, turns off the light and closes the door.*]

#### With Death P.A.C.T. Again

[*As the team8s run out of the supposedly cursed room, Death P.A.C.T. Again* (**Black Hole**, **Fanny**, **Lightning**, **Marker**, **Remote**, **Tree**)*, who have been approaching that chamber, freeze in shock.*]

* **G****at****y**: Ah, people!
* **P****i****n**: Don't go in there!
* **Co****i****ny**: Save yourselves!

[*The team8s disappear from view.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What was that all about?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: team8s being team8s again.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Come on, everyone, let's enter a hotel room that doesn't belong to us!

#### Inside Room Sick Sick Sick

[*Death P.A.C.T. Again are enveloped in darkness, though not the total darkness that the team8s have received. This is because Lightning, quite helpfully, glows in the dark.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Seriously, you just come inside without knocking?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh my gosh, a voice.
* **T****r****e****e**: Lightning, shine over there.

[*He shines over there.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: *Aïe!* My eyes!
* **T****r****e****e**: Come on, Clock, we're not that awful to look at.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I was talking about Fanny.
* **Fan****ny**: Don't talk to me that way, bab.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Hi, I'm here too!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Okay, enough with the charades, everyone.

[*He turns on the lightswitch.*]

* **Ma****r****ker**: Hello, Barf Bag. Nice ligation!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: So to clarify, BB, you've already signed this permit paper now, so we don't need you write on this line. But Clock, you've not.
* **T****r****e****e**: Uh... do you know how to write with your feet?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Oh, yeah, I definitely could... if I weren't tied up!
* **Fan****ny**: Great, now sign this.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Don't think I don't know what you're do—

[*Lightning holds the paper up in front of him while Fanny sticks the pencil in his mouth. Clock grumbles something but signs the paper anyway.*]

* **Fan****ny**: I hate your disagreeing with me!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I signed anyway. Not like it changes my opinion of you.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Yeah, Fanny! High-slash-low-five!

[*Clap!*]

* **Two**: [*over the intercom*] Clock has been found; Death P.A.C.T. Again are safe!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Do they have to be that loud? That's a little inconsiderate to their guests.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, we'd better go.
* **Ma****r****ker**: Talk to you later.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Bye, now!

[*Death P.A.C.T. Again escape the creepy room. Tree, the last one to leave, turns off the light, but not before he cheekily does the "I'm watching you gesture" on Clock.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: The tick's that supposed to mean?

### **Bottom floor**

**Scene**A more crowded floor than the others. Recommended characters walk the hallway together with the ones we are focused on.
#### With Are You Okay

[*Eraser continues to lead the way to where he knows Pen is.*]

* **Puffball**: This is getting a little ridiculous.
* **T****V**: I want to go to sleep.
* **Eraser**: Don't be mega-wimps. I just know he's here!
* **Golf Ball**: You said that fifteen times, and how many times were you right?

[*Eraser stops outside the door.*]

* **Eraser**: One.

[*Tennis Ball pulls out a device that looks like a handheld console.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Wow, my personal-use-only contestant tracker is showing the same result!
* **T****V**: As is my TPOTer Locator!
* **Golf Ball**: Wait, you two had those things the whole time?

#### Inside Rubber Spatula's hotel room

[*Rubber Spatula is reading the classified ads in the newspaper while Pen gives him advice. RS is wearing a hat with deer antlers on the top.*]

* **Rubb****er Spatula**: I just want someone who looks rough and tough on the outside and is only tender to the one they're committed to. You know?
* **P****en**: Throw that paper away, 'cause I've got an absolutely perfect guy for you!

[*Knock on the door. Pen gets up to get it.*]

* **Rubb****er Spatula**: Really? Who?
* **P****en**: You want someone who's just like...

[*He opens the door; Are You Okay are on the other end.*]

* **P****en**: Eraser.
* **Eraser**: 'Sup, dude!

[*Rubber Spatula waves meekly.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Pen! I have so many questions to ask you!
* **P****en**: Oh, this is my pal, Rubber Spatula.
* **Rubb****er Spatula**: G'day.
* **Golf Ball**: *Why* were you away from the contest? *How* did you escape from this contest? *Whom* were you doing during this contest?

[*Silence.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Attempt #2 at being funny has failed.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Ha.
* **P****en**: I didn't do anything; I swear on our mother's grave!
* **Eraser**: Well, that's good. You should never let your life be taken over by whirlwinds of passion.
* **Rubb****er Spatula**: That's really poetic.
* **Eraser**: [*noticing that Pen has company*] I mean, buck up, buckeroo.

[*Eraser gives his brother a friendly slap on the back of his head.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oh yeah, sign this too.

[*Pen signs the paper with a (non-sentient) pencil. Before he gives it back to Tennis Ball, he gives the pencil a kiss.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Gross.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: *Allos*, hyuck, hyuck!

[*Tennis Ball laughs loudly.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Yes! I have succeeded at being funny!
* **Two**: [*over the intercom*] Pen has been found; Are You Okay are safe!
* **Golf Ball**: Now let's go!

#### Hallway

* **Eraser**: I'd better tell you what's happened since you were... er... last with us.
* **P****en**: Why say it like that? I didn't die or anything!

[*As they walk towards the elevator to their left, they hear voices: It's the members of Death P.A.C.T. Again, walking in the other direction and chattering amongst one another.*]

* **Eraser**: Yeah, but I did.
* **P****en**: What?
* **Eraser**: Look alive and turn around, Pen, it's the Death Eaters!
* **P****en**: Eyy, Tree!
* **Golf Ball**: Pay no attention to the other team, people.

[*Tree smiles a bit before realizing who said that and seeing who he's with. He lowers his head in sadness and/or anger.*]

* **P****en**: Ah, I don't think I like him that much any more. If he's moved on with his life, good for him! But this bachelor is flying *soli*.
* **Eraser**: You mean *solo*.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: *Soli* is the plural form! [*Beat.*] I speak music notation.
* **P****en**: So, Eraser, tell me how you died.
* **Eraser**: Well...

[*Are You Okay walk away.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: This is what we get for not wanting to take the elevator. A whole lot of awkwardness.
* **Ma****r****ker**: The elevator... might be broken again!

#### With The S!

[*Music can be heard from Ruby's hotel room. It isn't as loud or as high in tempo as it was before, but the team are still turnt by it anyway.*]

* **Winner**: Hey, does anyone hear the pretty music?
* **Bot****tle**: Yeah, let's hear it!
* **Yellow Face**: Better yet, we can dance until they kick us out!

[*Winner initiates a conga line; after them are Bottle and Yellow Face. They all dance in place.*]

* **Bot****tle**: Yeah, yeah!
* **Winner**: I see we're into dancing today.

#### Inside Ruby's hotel room

[*The (ex-)contestants are gathered around Rocky, whom they notice to look a little ill. He still smiles.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Hmm... while I'm not a doctor (although I am part medical manual), I can say one thing for sure.
* **Cloudy**: Say anything!
* **Pill****ow**: ♫ *Anything!* ♫
* **Bo****ok**: [*points, accusingly*] ***This rock is sick!***
* **Yellow Face**: [*from outside*] It sure is!

[*Everyone looks outside the door for a second. Their attention goes back to Rocky afterwards.*]

* **Balloony**: Oh no, guys, Rocky's sick? Quarantine the room! Release the disinfectant! Sterilize a'body!
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh, Balloony, you're such a sickness-lover.
* **Pill****ow**: [*to no one in particular*] "Sickness-lover" is how Nickel pronounces *hypochondriac*.
* **Bo****ok**: Well, it looks kind of serious. How about we go downstairs and ask for help?

[*The next lines are spoken in quick succession.*]

* **R****u****b****y**: I'll go with you!
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Me three!
* **C****a****ke**: Let's help this stone!
* **N****a****ily**: Yeah!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I'm going to look charitable!
* **Pill****ow**: I need the outdoors-like air of a two-star hotel hallway!

[*Exeunt almost everyone from the room.*]

#### Hallway

[*The S! notice the large group of people exiting the room.*]

* **Yellow Face**: Hey, everyone!
* **Winner**: Nice rock.
* **Bo****ok**: Thanks, we're trying to get Rocky to feel better.
* **Bot****tle**: When Rocky feels better, that'll be very good for our team of Cloudy, Clock, Winner, Rocky, Yellow Face and Ice Cube!
* **Yellow Face**: But Ice Cube's eliminated!
* **Bot****tle**: Yeah, Ice Cube's eliminated!

#### Inside Ruby's hotel room

[**Balloony**, **Cloudy** *and* **Nickel** *are left behind in the room.*]

* **Cloudy**: You sure you don't want to join them, Nickel?
* **Nic****k****el**: Nah. I want to stay here with my dad and tadig!

[*He smiles. The subtitles say "(Breton for "father")".*]

* **Balloony**: Nickel, sit down. Think it's time we had the talk.
* **Nic****k****el**: But I already know Coiny's older than me. It's fine.
* **Balloony**: This isnae about Coiny. We're talking about how Cloudy and me, we...
* **Nic****k****el**: Yeah?
* **Balloony**: We aren't your real parents.
* **Nic****k****el**: What.
* **Cloudy**: It's true.

[*Nickel looks like he's on the verge of tears.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: But— then why do I call you Dad sometimes?
* **Balloony**: I dinnae ken.
* **Cloudy**: Don't you remember who your real dad is?

[*Nickel shakes his head no.*]

* **Balloony**: He's a phone, Nickel.
* **Cloudy**: You call him and ask him how he's doing every week, remember?

[*He shakes his head no again.*]

* **Balloony**: Look. Cloudy and I are sorry that you had to hear the news this way.
* **Cloudy**: Can you ever forgive us?
* **Nic****k****el**: *No!* Gee, I come back to life for thirty minutes and just to hear this? I— I don't even know how to feel!
* **Balloony**: That's fine; ainly, whatever you're feeling is—
* **Nic****k****el**: Just leave me alone! I never want to see you again!

[*Exit* **Nickel**, *storming off. Balloony and Cloudy sit in silence for a while, disappointed. Balloony offers Cloudy a pen to sign the team's note with (which the other Just Not-ers had forgotten). Cloudy declines and hands it back to Balloony. His eyes gesture as if to say, "Sign it for me."*]

* **Balloony**: Cloudy, are we divorced?

### **Hallway**

**Scene****Nickel** walks downstairs to the lobby. He does not look happy.
* **Two**: [*over the intercom*] Cloudy has been found; Just Not are safe!
* **Nic****k****el**: Whoop-de-doo.

[*Fade to black.*]

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**The Strongest Team on Earth are still on the bottom floor, waiting for Snowball to find one of the contestants—there are two spots left. Only Snowball is at the reception; the rest of his team are relaxing in the sitting area.
* **Snowball**: [*in the background*] I beat you up!
* **F****old****y**: This lighting is fa-boo.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Extreme-like chic!
* **Gra****ssy**: Hasoijdwnhfqzx!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Uh, guys? Shouldn't we be doing the challenge?
* **B****e****ll**: Hate to be the sayer of this player, but this Snowbs might *actually* be onto something.
* **F****old****y**: He's got mad object skills.
* **E****g****gy**: He's a mad object, alright.
* **Baske****t****ball**: He's been there for twenty-five minutes! How is it that no one else is waiting?

[*Enter* **Rocky**, *who is being carried by* **Book**. *The two of them are followed by the others from the hotel room.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Don't worry, Rocky.
* **N****a****ily**: We're the least threatening gang in the world!
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*to her teammates*] Guys, look! Rocky! He's the only name that hasn't been crossed out.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: He's surrounded by other contestants!
* **E****g****gy**: Ooh, drama.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Those are the Just Notions, who have unfortunately been declared safe. Let's get a signature from him, quick!
* **F****old****y**: Can you do it for me, BB-girl?
* **B****e****ll**: We're so *lazeful* tonight.
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy's morning!
* **Baske****t****ball**: 'Kay.

[*Jump cut to an apparent stand-off between Basketball and Rocky. She is holding a pencil with her legs.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Hey, Rocky, can you sign this for our team, please?

[*She kicks the pencil upwards and it lands on Rocky's foot. He then begins to scribble something on the paper.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Yes, yes!
* **Two**: [*over the intercom*] Rocky has been found...

### **Lower-middle floor**

**Scene**The S! are still dancing, even through the announcement.
* **Two**: ... The Strongest Team on Earth are safe! The S! are up for elimination!
* **Bot****tle**: [*chanting*] The S! are up for elimination? The S! are up for elimination!

[*Boom Mic opens the door briskly.*]

* **Boo****m** **M****ic**: Can you please be quiet? I may be loud, but I'm in the middle of worshipping Bracelety!

[*She closes the door.*]

* **Bot****tle**: She's in the middle of worshipping Bracelety? In the middle of worshipping Bracelety!
* **Winner**: Wait, everyone, stop dancing.

[*Everyone stands still.*]

* **Winner**: You know what this means, right?
* **Yellow Face**: Yeah! Bracelety and Boom Mic should never ever meet!
* **Winner**: No, it means our team is up for elimination. And one of us might go home!
* **Bot****tle**: [*gasps*] Oh, sh—

## Post-contest

### **Voting screen**

**Scene**For the first time in, like, ever, Two stands before the white-background voting screen. They do their spiel, as usual.
* **Two**: Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated! Vote for who you want to stay! The person with the fewest votes will leave the show!

## Post-voting screen scenes

### **Outside the hotel**

**Scene**Night. Two is sitting on a throne. They are approached by **Coiny**, **Pin** and **Needle**.
* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, Two!
* **Two**: I'm flattered that you remember my name.
* **Co****i****ny**: Can you recover our friend Clock?
* **Two**: I don't know about recovering him, but I can take him out of the hotel with the others.

[*Two claps twice.* **Clock** *appears out of nowhere, along with* **Barf Bag** *and* **Cloudy**.]

* **Cloudy**: What?
* **Barf** **Bag**: How'd I get out here?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Two, you've got a lot of explaining to do.
* **Two**: You did not like my prank?
* **Barf** **Bag**: Prank? You were about to bore us to death with your childhood stories!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I don't ever want you to put any of us in chains again, okay?
* **Two**: Oh, Clock, I've been in such a good mood today that not even you can order me around.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: So you're just going to keep locking people up when they don't agree with you?
* **Barf** **Bag**: That's an injustice and an abuse of power!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You don't want to be like Four, *do you?!*
* **Two**: Alright, you'll like this rule better, and this goes for all of you.

[*Zoom out to all the contestants sitting outside.*]

* **Two**: *No one is allowed into my hotel without permission from me!*

[*Ominous music sting.*]

### **EXIT**

**Scene**The EXIT scenes are back after a break in TPOT 5! Last time we checked, there was a knock on the door.
* **St****a****py**: What's the problem with opening doors anyway?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Who knows what will appear behind it? Last time we opened that thing, we ended up in a world of farmyard animals, and we lost a contestant!

[*A familiar voice can be heard.*]

* **Her**: No, I'm right here! Open the door, someone!
* **St****a****py**: Is that who I think it is?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yeah, it's Four going through a car wash. /s
* **St****a****py**: No, it's Liy!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I was being sarcastic, you prat.

[*Pencil opens the door, but instead of Liy at the other end, it is a variation of a very common humanized design for the character. This new person is something like a minotaur, although instead of a bull for a head, she has a blue-grey lightswitch, defaced by two human-like eyes, one human-like nose and one human-like mouth. The body is that of an exaggerated human female (as in many anime), because everyone knows that the difference between humans and objects is that the former has image problems. In any case, this new figure saunters into the EXIT self-assuredly. Everyone stares—Stapy's eyes grow and he begins to drool.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: David, Dora, you speak human, try to communicate!
* **David**: Aw, seriously?
* **Do****ra**: Dadadadadadadadadada! [*Subtitles: "Who is this humanoid weirdo that dares to penetrate our object space?"*]
* **Her**: I did not come here to be insulted.
* **St****a****py**: Liy... you look different. And *hot*.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: You extinguish me, Stapler.
* **Her**: I'll take that as a compliment. But my name's not Liy any more.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, what is it then? Loser?

[*Match does the* L *symbol on her forehead. She and Pencil then high-five.*]

* **Her**: Call me by my name backwards.
* **Ma****tch**: Y— *Yil?*
* **Her**: Only my friends call me that! I prefer to be addressed by my full name: Yıldız Xenophonia Māhealanisdóttir.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yıldız Xenophonia Māhealanisdóttir. How many cultures did you rip off for that?
* **Yıldız Xenopho****nia** **Māhealani****sdóttir**: Shush.
* **Ma****tch**: And YXM? What the, like, floof does that mean?

[*Yil leans in close to Match. She looks at her and says nothing for π seconds.*]

* **Yıldız Xenopho****nia** **Māhealani****sdóttir**: ***YOU XUCK, MATCH!***

[*She then breaks into a fit of laughter.*]

* **Yıldız Xenopho****nia** **Māhealani****sdóttir**: I've been waiting to scream that since my transformation!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Transformation?
* **8****-****Ball**: Don't tell us this isn't your final form.
* **St****a****py**: And even if it is, we should be grateful that she now looks like this and not like a plain old lightswitch.

[*Yil slaps Stapy so hard that he is slammed against one of the walls of the EXIT. A view of Four and X (still in ~~Afghanistan~~ the Pillary Ruins) is then shown, as in TPOT 1, with the former visibly affected.*]

* **Four**: Yoink!

[*Back to the EXIT.*]

* **Yıldız Xenopho****nia** **Māhealani****sdóttir**: So you wanted a story about my awesome transformatory journey? I'll give you a story. Maestro?

[*Stapy glides next to Yil. He is suddenly wearing a bowtie and a white collar (not a shirt, just the collar). And yes, he's still dilated and dribbling.*]

* **St****a****py**: At your service!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Stop simping, you're like Leafy at a Muumuus and Poo-poos concert.
* **Yıldız Xenopho****nia** **Māhealani****sdóttir**: Conduct me, good sir!

[*Suddenly, a baton falls into Stapy's arms. He waves it around like a right-down regular orchestra conductor. As this happens, a simple, fast-paced country tune begins to play. The melody is strongly reminiscent of, but not identical to, Kikki Danielsson's version of Wanda Jackson's "Cowboy Yodel Song". All the EXITers begin to dance as the classroom turns into a hootenanny barn.*]

**"The Lament of the Human-Lightswitch Combo"**

**Vocalist(s)**: Yıldız Xenophonia Māhealanisdóttir (feat. "The Denizens of Four's Magical Bosom")

**Yıldız Xenopho****nia** **Māhealani****sdóttir**: ♫ If you must know more 'bout me,

I've come back from Tennessee,

It's the part of the world I landed in.

A bovine I could never be,

Like you [*points to Match*] couldn't be a tree;

To be something that you ain't is just a sin.

I'm a switch in combination with a human girl

That she's been partially turned into in this looks-besotted world.

Maybe I'll turn back into an object, limbs unfurl'd—

Till then I'll be a lightswitch/human yodeller girl.

You might ask how I got this way

(It did not occur today);

Well, it happened when I went into the town.

And through cosmetic treatments rare

In the name of paid healthcare,

There I finally got this look of great renown.

And my face will rule the nation: partial human girl

Who's somehow gained a lightswitch head of blue inside this object world.

Maybe Four will mutilate this hybrid with a whirl,

But I'd rather be a lightswitch/human yodeller girl. ♫

[*spoken*] Take that staple out of you, I want it!
* **St****a****py**: You make it so easy.

[*He removes a staple from himself and gives it to Yil, who slaps the top of his body with it and turns it into a microphone.*]

* **Yıldız Xenopho****nia** **Māhealani****sdóttir**: Testing, 1, 3, 4!

[*As she sings the last verse and choruses, the entire credits for TPOT 1 through 6 are displayed on the screen.*]

**Yıldız Xenopho****nia** **Māhealani****sdóttir**: ♫ So, to my friends and enemies

Who would like to have my "these"

(And I mean that in an imitative sense):

Don't go down to Tennessee;

Get your face implants from me—

I doubt it would be much of an offence.

It's the in thing for the humans, after hair that's curled,

To mix and match their parts with object assets in a gruesome swirl.

Swear this ain't a scam or nasty lie I've just unfurl'd;

Just take it from the fifteenth lightswitch/yodeller girl.

No, this ain't a scam or nasty lie I've just unfurl'd,

Odel-edel-odel-eyee-dee, odeley-odeley-ee-hee!

If this were a fraud, I'd stay with humans in their world,

But now I am the EXIT's lightswitch/yodeller girl! ♫

**THE END
of TPOT: ACT I**
## Deleted scenes

**Rubb****er Spatula**: Like go to the hotel pool and pretend we're haggard fish monsters?
**P****en**: I was thinking more like— wait, this hotel doesn't have a pool!
**Rubb****er Spatula**: Then what was I swimming in last night?
**P****en**: You were in Kitchen Sink when he came over to fix the plumbing.
**Rubb****er Spatula**: Oh.

* Pen was going to start the intro, the first character other than Two to do so.
* After Tree is "recovered", Black Hole was originally going to say "Don't hug me 'cause I suck. Literally."
* The "mad one's eye" would have been called the "evil eye", just like the legend from many cultures around the world. It was changed after I realized that mind-control eyes work differently from what most imagine the evil eye to be.
* When Snowball says that Pen hasn't called him "stupid", there was going to be a series of jump-cuts with the hotel-interned characters insulting Snowball in that way, followed by Rocky vomiting on him and the subtitle saying "Snowball, you stupid".
* Instead of the team8s and Death P.A.C.T. Again entering "Room Sick Sick Sick", TSTOE and Just Not were going to appear instead. There was going to be an exchange where a member of one team asks if Clock is in there (the dialogue was kept in the episode). A member of the other team says that since everyone is alive and the truce is therefore null and void, they can't help one another.
* The first party scene with Ruby (and others) would have been preceded by several lines of dialogue by the members of Just Not, who were on their floor. These lines were written as follows (after Pillow says "Does anyone hear music?"):

**P****ri****c****e Tag**: Like most people, I like to hear music.
**Bo****ok**: I think she's asking if we can hear music now.
**P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh. [*awkward silence*] Then no.
[*Price Tag runs ahead of everyone else.*]
**P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wait, everyone, I can hear the music too!
**Nic****k****el**: Yeah!
[*They all rush to the door, which literally pulsates with the sound of good vibes.*]
**N****a****ily**: You know what this means.
**Bo****ok**: I sure do! If there is music playing behind this door, it means that there are people there who can help us!
**N****a****ily**: I was thinking we join them and... [*imitating Coiny from episode 5a*] *par-tay!*
**P****ri****c****e Tag**: Knock, knock!
[*Naily knocks on the door with her foot. A familiar voice can be heard from the other side.*]
**Voice**: I'll get it!

* To prevent the episode from becoming too lengthy, I deleted a line that Clock was going to say. In it he would have explained that it was so dark in Room Sick Sick Sick because he found a wooden board on the floor and demanded that it cover the window—it was getting too bright for him and Barf Bag.
* The scene after Basketball asks why no one has come to the reception was originally going to be longer, and it would include this dialogue exchange.

**E****g****gy**: They all got scared like that kitty cats they kitty.
**F****old****y**: I would too if that doody were on another-y team-y.
**Gra****ssy**: Innit?
**Baske****t****ball**: Uh-huh.
**Gra****ssy**: Needs to be a signature there should, quick!
**B****e****ll**: Nah, Grassy. Just roll with the floll.
**Robot** **Fl****ower**: Ha, you said "floll". And now I said "floll!" Who says robot flowers can't make errors?
**F****old****y**: Not me!
**Robot** **Fl****ower**: We're so *random!*
[*They high-five.*]

* The EXIT scene was originally going to be a part of TPOT 5 and not 6. This was changed as there was already too much going on in that episode. Alternatively, it was going to be the beginning of the episode (since the end of TPOT 5b would have included a very scary scene, in which the unknown stranger was banging on the door of the EXIT, turning off the lights and threatening people with violence).

## Notes

1. ↑ Yeah, I'm not one to predict future vote numbers for a season with only one episode out.
2. ↑ A play on "oobleck". Because "Two's nasal fluids" sounds gross.
3. ↑ I was considering whether to include Fries. I thought that Two might have instinctively known that he had been eliminated earlier; to add extra dialogue would only drag the episode out further.
4. ↑ It's a very ambiguous statement.
5. ↑ I'm one of her friends.
6. ↑ Note that during this sequence, which lasts until the end of the episode, the character of Liy/Yil is no longer voiced by Elvira McCormack, but by someone actually named Nonuvya Bissnus. The EXITers (the background singers) are voiced by real Vocaloids, to fulfil Satomi's wish to add mechanical singers to the cast.
7. ↑ Everyone knows viewers eat that stuff up... not talking about the threats of violence (really), but a resolution to a cliffhanger.

**Fake TPOT** [V]