Episode 6: Train Heist Part 4

**Train Heist Part 4** is the sixth episode of Campaign 1. In this final phase of the Aether Bastards' train escapade, the crew attempt to secure their cargo and make good their escape in the midst of overwhelming odds and frankly ridiculous circumstances.

## **Synopsis**

> Welcome back to Health Hits Experience, the show where we discover the joys of interstellar space travel via train.
>
> Britty Lea

The Aether Bastards continue their trek through the Virtuos Hypertrain in search of the Chief Engineer. They pass through the empty lounge car, in which P.E.A.R.L confiscates some sort of tabletop role-playing game left abandoned by previous passengers. They contemplate stealing the comfy chairs for Old Bessie, but decide against it.

The crew finds the Chief Engineer enjoying a sandwich in a dining car filled with Zalarian Talions. As the pirates discuss how best to address the situation, the bursar comes through the dining car announcing the end of the lunch hour. The Talions disperse, leaving the Chief Engineer to be addressed alone.

Flux and Heironymous, still disguised as train engineers, approach the Chief and request that he return with them to investigate some "odd readings" coming from the hyperdrive regulator. The Chief is more invested in his space bologna sandwich and at first does not want to comply, until Heironymous manages to be convincing enough to get him to come along.

The party begins to make its way back down the line of cars. The Chief is slightly confused at the presence of a prisoner (Cyrus) and accompanying droid (P.E.A.R.L), but doesn't think about it too hard. Heironymous takes every opportunity to belittle Flux's engineering capacity and Flux plays along to maintain their disguise.

They pass through the ruined gift shop, where the disgruntled clerk is still attempting to clean up their snowglobe mess. They pass through the cafe, where the barista is still AWOL but the coffee machine is malfunctioning. Flux briefly discusses repairing it, but they move on.

En route, the Chief codes the doors for easy return access, anticipating returning to his lunch. He complains that the train labor shortage is due to the burgeoning union movement aboard the train. The fact that unions are illegal in the Zalarian Empire is irrelevant to this.

They pass through the security car. Flux tells the Chief that the OURA scanners are malfunctioning and Schmel agrees. The Chief Engineer directs Flux to remain in the security car to fix the scanner, but eventually they decide against this and instead add Schmel to the party continuing forward.

As they pass through the armory car, the party abruptly remembers that they're here for the jet cycle. Flux charms a screw to produce a short circuiting noise as he passed through the car doors. He points out the noise and says that he should remain behind in the armory car to "repair" the short circuit. In actuality, Flux rigs the car to wirelessly decouple from the train from the outside.

To distract from this activity, and to explain why Cyrus is not being left at the brig, Cyrus theatrically "trips" and loses his prosthetic leg in the process. He immediately begins protesting the Hypertrain's gross mistreatment of prisoners, demanding to speak to a supervisor, threatening to sue, and insisting that P.E.A.R.L record the entire interaction. P.E.A.R.L casts suggestion and tells the guards that they should take Cyrus to the infirmary. They agree.

The entire party (minus Flux) ends up back in the engine room. The guards leave the party to their own devices and the Chief Engineer abruptly realizes that things are not as they seem. Now that the jig is up, Heironymous drops his disguise and Cyrus is untied. They convince the Chief to open the regulator case with a combination of persuasion and intimidation.

Having finished rigging the armory car, Flux meanders back through the break room and picks up coffee for the crew. He shows up to the engine room fifteen minutes late with Starbucks, realizes that the ruse is over, and drops his own disguise. Flux attempts to threaten and then shoot the Chief, but misses on both.

Cyrus' intimidation is more effective. The Chief deactivates the hyperdrive and the train drops into real space and stops dead. This, quite obviously, sets off quite a few alarms. The Chief removes the regulator and hands it off to the pirates. The crew and Schmel immediately depart to the fuel car and lock the door behind them.

The Aether Bastards load up into Old Bessie, being sure to take 377 and Schmel along with them. Cyrus sweet-talks 0tt0 into plotting a course off the train. The crew is incredibly encouraging and supportive as Cyrus attempts to undo this once-in-a-lifetime landing, but it is not needed. Cyrus effortlessly guides Old Bessie up and out of her precarious spot on the fuel car.

Now all that's left to do is secure the armory car and make their getaway! The first official Aether Bastards heist is a success. Or is it? Join us next time to find out!

## **Quotations**

* **Ian**: "On the plus side, we have someone to blame all of this on once everything explodes."

* **Schmel**: "There were a couple of blinky lights, but I think I have a concussion."

* **Schmel**: "When people came through [the OURA scanners], they were really different on the other side. But that could just be me!"

* **Britty**: "If you're watching this show and you have a problem with us-"
* **Ian**: "Don't tell us."
* **Britty**: "Just go- I don't want to know."

* **Britty**: "Humans don't exist in this game and there's still capitalism and anti-unions."

* **Britty**: "How long are you gonna have this little dude?"
* **Robin**: "FOREVER."

* **Rob**: "Even the mighty Heironymous can't sell that one."

* **Britty**: "Do you know the order of operations?"
* **Robin**: "Like PEMDAS?"

* **Ian**: "I can certainly try my best. \*he rolls\* My best is a minus one."

* **Rob**: "Save Schmel, save the crab, then save like Heironymous-"
* **Ian**: "Yeah, there's a priority list here."

* **Heironymous**: "Schmel, we're gonna make you famous."

* **Robin**: "We don't even know what Schmel looks like!"
* **Ian**: "But he's endearing."
* **Britty**: "And he's charmed."
* **Rob**: "He's charmed but so are we."

* **Ian**: "I love how sassy you made the orb."

## **Trivia**

* The discussion question at the top of this episode was: "If you had to defibrillate a centaur, where would you put the paddles?"
* Ian rolls a critical success to wire the armory car.
* After rolling a critical success to land Old Bessie on the train, Liz rolls a second critical success to takeoff from the train.
* This is the first canon episode that does not contain a break.