House on Haunted Hill

Alpha Video DVD cover

### Secret message

"2-5-8-17 14-5-8-25 12-7-11-17-4 9-8 18-17-14-5-8 9-7-1-17-18-17-24... 18 2-3-15 3-23-9-7-15-14 4-8-3-4!"

### Wraps

1

For *Cinema Insomnia*'s Halloween spooktacular[sic], Mr. Lobo promises the princely sum of $10,000 to anyone who survives tonight's presentation of *House of 1000 Corpses*! Unfortunately for him he has to show *House on Haunted Hill* instead, making our suvival exponentially more likely. His only hope is that being taken to the brink of scariesness by *Lobo-E-Mergo* (patent and correct spelling pending) kills us all!

2

Mr. Lobo's received a letter from the Haunted Hill Homeowners' Association, and he's stressed. Get Enid on the horn. This is going to take scones to sort out.

3

Crisis averted! The scones worked (*how* they worked is suggestively unclear). Mr. Lobo now hypnotizes us into not (NOT) suing him as a result of tonight's feature before administering the Insomniac's Oath. Miss Mittens points out that hypnotizing us to watch the whole movie complicates his pledge to pay $10,000 to anyone who watches the whole movie. Crisis reverted!

4

The HHHA's back on their high horse complaining about all the moaning and gunshots coming from Mr. Lobo's place, but you know what I think? They just want more scones. Tough cookies, narcs!

5

Now this is a rare treat, an exclusive interview and fashion show with famed costume designer Ben Coopier, showing off his newest trendsetter, Mermaid Astronaut Barbie. I don't know much about fashion, but I know what I like!

6

Mr. Lobo has a rat! That's pretty much it.

7

Mr. Lobo reassures Miss Mittens that any pumpkins carved on the show tonight will be cruelty-free, but he does get a little impatient, dropping the "F" word and even the "C" word ("fronds" and "Cup O' Noodles"). ROLL IT!

8

Mr. Lobo's already reneging on the promise he made to Miss Mittens just one wrap ago! All that profanity was a guilty conscience! But it is a really good jack-o-lantern, and I mean, the pumpkin *looks* happy, so y'know what? I absolve Mr. Lobo of his sins.

9

Carvin' time! Now we're cooking with gas! Mr. Lobo explains step-by-step how to carve a pumpkin into a jack-o-lantern (documented thoroughly in the gallery section below). He also instructs viewers to visit http://www.cinemainsomnia.com to download their very own Lob-O-Lantern template, and then nearly gets hacked to death by a maniac with a machete. But what a cool template!

10

Mr. Lobo's back and he's going to instruct us in how to make an All-Saints Smoothie! For liability reasons I will not be transcribing the recipe. Delicious!

11

Lobo-Immerg-O, or Lobo-E-Mergo, or Lobo-Emerg-O, is in full e-ffect! It's not helping Mr. Lobo's nerves regarding the $10,000 contest, though. But squeezing a rat is. Back to the movie!

12

Insomniac Mail Sac...in a box! A mysterious invitation has arrived, addressed to "M. M.." Miss Mittens thinks it's for her, and Mr. Lobo thinks it's for him, but you can just skip a few paragraphs and then you'll know who it's for. Just another valuable service provied by *The Cinema Insomnia Wiki*!

13

Mr. Lobo calls up Ron Dante of The Archies to see if he can come by and liven up the party with some karaoke, but he's busy playing...*the Monster Melee?* "M. M.!"

14

Oh, it did stand for "Miss Mittens." It's Will the Thrill's party and she's invited! And Mr. Lobo's crashing! And so are we! After these messages!

15

Will the Thrill's party is happening at the Museum, home of the Mr. Lobo Experience! But Will smooth-talks Mr. Lobo into leaving. And he also smooth talks *House on Haunted Hill* into resuming.

16

Mr. Lobo's leaving and Miss Mittens is staying to be plant-handled by that befezzed scoundrel Will the Thrill. Thank goodness they cut to commercial, because I don't think I'm ready to see where that was going.

17

Mr. Lobo decides that before he resumes his duty as our host he'd like to give trick-or-treating a try, but unfortunately he's a little rusty. Back at the party, Ro-Man wants to give the Alpine Racer a try, and back in the movie *House on Haunted Hill* wants to give plot twists a try.

18

Will the Thrill introduces house band *The Incredibly Strange Creatures* to perform I'm Watching TV! And they do!

19

The movie's over and all that's left is the crying. And the mailing out of 1.2 million checks to everyone who survived the movie. Mr. Lobo's gonna need a re-wind. GOODNIGHT SACRAMENTO!

### Ads

* Rad Abrams, Skate Board Attorney
* *The Addams Family*
* Vincent Price for Peter Paul's "No Jelly" candy bars
* Chinzei Knives
* Milton Bradley, Hangman, starring Vincent Price
* Nestle Souptime instant soup, starring Vincent Wife
* Post Alphabits cereal, starring Frankenstein
* Romper Room, Weebles Haunted House
* Vincent Price for Cousins Submarines
* Post Sugar Crisp cereal

### Trailers

* *House of 1000 Corpses*
* *Willard*
* *Pumpkinhead*
* *Galaxy of Terror*
* *The Haunting*
* *Ocean's Eleven*
* *The Legend of Hell House*

### Shorts

* Mr. Lobo's interview with actor Sid Haig

### Quotes

Make peace with your deity, because we're going to present one of the most horrifying piles of cinematic horror ever produced.

Stay with your buddy. Have your treat receptacle at the ready. And prepare to ask strangers to smell your feet. Because we're going to ring the doorbell of ''The House on Haunted Hill''.

Mr. Lobo will now use his dark powers to hypnotize you. Look deeply into my eyes. You are going to be more entertained than you've ever been in your entire miserable lives. You will jump, and shout with excitement, even at the most goofy special effect. If you are harmed, or wrong, or disappointed in any way, you will not sue Mr. Lobo. You will NOT sue Mr. Lobo!

I know how you feel about pumpkin carving, okay? We've already gone over this! We're only using cruelty-free plastic pumpkins this year. We're not gonna give any of your cousins a switchblade smile on this program...ever again. So just calm he fronds down, alright?

Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence, our neighbors, have invited four strangers over to their house, they're staying 'til sunrise. They've got blood dripping from the ceiling, and hard liquor, and firearms, and old ladies on skateboards, and...it's not Mr. Lobo's Cup O Noodles but hey, whatever floats your ghost. I mean who are to judge? We're all consenting, uh...things.

Y'know nothing quite says 'America' like food needlessly mutilated for entertainment, and jack-o-lanterns, of course, are no exception. 'Jack-o-lantern' being a Gaelic expression meaning 'squalor on my front porch.'

### Trivia

* Dedicated in memory to actor Sid Haig
* The light-up trick-or-treat pumpkin pail seen in this episode will reappear in other episodes, most notably as a bedpan in *Mr. Lobo's X-Mess Carol*. (It doesn't say "interesting trivia.")

### Gallery

Apprehensive Films DVD coverOSI 74 thumbnail graphic

## *House on Haunted Hill*

### Produced by

William Castle
Robb White

### Music by

Richard Kayne
Richard Loring
Von Dexter

### Cast

Vincent Price
Carol Ohmart
Elisha Cook
Carolyn Craig
Alan Marshal
Julie Mitchum
Richard Long