Incorrect Quotes

**1**

Jazper : You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.

Burg: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.

Jazper : I said within reason, Burg. How about I murder that guy?

Burg: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't?

Jazper : Well, duh. What kind of question is that?

2

Teacher: Your child was in a fight.

Burg: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Jazper: Did they win?

3

Burg: I have a problem.

Jazper: Kill it.

Burg: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

4

Burg: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.

Jazper: We could attack them with hummus.

Burg: I stand corrected.

Jazper: Just keeping things in perspective.

5

Burg: Can you recommend a book that'll make me cry?

Jazper: General Mathematics 8th Grade Edition.

6

Burg: Jazper, you need to calm down.

Jazper, slamming their fists on the table: BUT HOW CAN IT BE "BIRTHDAY CAKE" FLAVOR IF A BIRTHDAY CAKE CAN BE ANY FLAVOR?!

7

Jazper: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into-

Burg: You sleep with a stuffed penguin.

Jazper: He’s my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!

8

Burg: Jazper, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight?

Jazper: Raise the dead.

Burg: And what did you do?

Jazper: Raise the dead.

9

Burg: What are you in the mood for?

Jazper: World domination.

Burg: That's a bit ambitious.

Jazper: You are my world.

Burg: Aww...

Burg: OH.

10

Burg: Are you really planning to shoot the demon?

Jazper: Don't worry, it's a holy gun.

Burg: How so?

Jazper: It makes holes.

11

Jazper: That’s the longest worm I’ve ever seen.

Burg: That’s a snake.

12

Burg: Wow, that was quick thinking on that phony sacrifice stuff.

Jazper: Oh, that was all real.

Burg: Wait, you were trying to help them kill us?!

Jazper: If I’m gonna be sacrificed, I’m gonna do it right.

13

Jazper: Burg, can you help me? All of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason.

Burg, wearing a hoodie that's 5 times bigger than their size: Spooky.

14

Burg: I know one person who finds me funny!

Jazper: Okay, who?... and you can't say yourself!

Burg: Okay then I'm out.

15

Burg: Damn, the power went out.

Jazper: Don’t worry, I got this.

Jazper: \*shakes rapidly and starts to light up\*

Burg: What-?

Jazper: I swallowed a glow stick!

Burg, on the verge of tears: WHY WOULD YOU-

16

Burg: Oooh, a train!

Jazper: We’re in a train station, Burg.

17

Burg: When I was your age-

Jazper, mocking Burg: When I was your height.

Burg:

Burg: Listen here you little shit-

18

\*in school\*

Jazper, in a horrible German accent: Bill Nye is on break, I'm Bill Nein.

Burg: Can I go to the bathroom?

Jazper, in the same horrible German accent: Nein!

19

Jazper: What’s up? I’m back.

Burg: I literally saw you die. You died. You were dead

Jazper: Death is a social construct.

20

Burg, texting: Answer your phone

Jazper, texting back: Wait a minute, I can’t find my phone

Burg: Understood

Burg, 5 minutes later: You’re a terrible person. You know you’re killing me. You’re killing me, Jazper.

21

Burg: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.

Jazper: Killed without hesitation.

22

Jazper: How does one turn their emotions off?

Burg: Okay, so first go to settings.

Burg: I'm a fucking idiot, I thought that said emojis at first.

Jazper: No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next?

23

Burg: You have to apologize to them Jazper.

Jazper: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!

24

Burg: I'm never having a debate with Jazper again, they literally started their argument with "Riddle me this."

25

Burg: I'm having problems with a guy...

Jazper: Like his dead body won't fit into your trunk kind of problems, or you like him kind of problems?

26

Jazper: I found a note in one of my old word .docs that said Note to self: Get revenge on Burg.

Jazper: Except I couldn't remember what I was supposed to get revenge for.

Jazper: But I trusted my own judgment, so I went with it.

Burg: Hmm... I don't know what you were supposed to get revenge for, either.

Jazper: I can only assume you got what was coming to you. Not 100 percent sure, though.

Burg: Well, whatever I did, I guess I deserved it.

Jazper: Let that possibly be a lesson to you.

27

Jazper: I don’t even use tubberware anymore.

Burg: What are you saying? Say it again.

Jazper: Tubberware.

Burg: Say it again. Slow.

Jazper: Tubberware.

Burg: Slow, very slow - actually, say the first syllable.

Jazper: Tub.

Burg: Wrong.

Jazper: What do you mean, wrong?

Burg: I thought I caught that. You’re saying tub. It’s P.

Jazper: What are you talking about?

Burg: Tupperware. Tupper.

Jazper: It’s tupper!

Burg: It’s tupper, always has been, always will be.

Jazper: I thought it was tubberware because it kind of looks like a tub.

28

Burg: Oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers!

Jazper: Please, just say fuck.

29

Jazper: I don't know, it's not my cup of tea.

Burg: Well then whose is it?

Jazper, staring at a cup of tea: I don't know!

30

Jazper: Why don't humans have a specific noise that means "there are bees here, let's leave immediately." Why are elephants more advanced than us.

Burg: We do have a specific noise for it. It sounds like this:

Burg: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately."

31

Burg: I could kill you if I wanted.

Jazper: Yeah? So could any other human being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. You aren't special.

32

Burg: Where are you going?

Jazper: Hell, eventually.

33

Burg: Did you ever have like a pet run away and find it or anything?

Jazper: I had a lizard that I burnt.

34

Burg: \*makes Jazper a cup of tea but puts salt in it\*

Jazper: \*sips tea\*

Burg:

Jazper: \*finishes tea\*

Burg: Didn't it taste bad?

Jazper: Yeah, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I drank it all.

Burg, tearing up: Oh, okay.

35

Burg walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Jazper, I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK.

Jazper, sipping coffee happily: I love you too :)

36

\*Jazper and Burg are in Paris.\*

Jazper: I'm...moved. I...I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now. I feel...destiny?

Burg: But...

Jazper: I don't know what it is. I feel like... I just never thought I'd see it with my own two eyes. And here it is. It's just there. It's right in front of me, and...

Burg: This is what you wanted to see? The bridge from Inception?

Jazper: Yeah.

Burg: But the Eiffel Tower is behind us, babe.

Jazper: Yeah, but this is the bridge FROM INCEPTION.

Burg: Okay, alright.

37

Jazper: So you like cats?

Burg: Yeah.

Jazper: \*tries to impress them by slowly pushing a glass off the table\*

38

Jazper: I want to kiss you.

Burg, not paying attention: What?

Jazper: I said if you die, I wont miss you.

39

Burg: I feel like doing something stupid.

Jazper: I’m stupid, do me.

40

Burg: Know why I called you in here?

Jazper: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.

Burg: \*Stops pouring two glasses of wine.\* Accidentally?

(Actually this one can go either way- but I feel like im more likely to do that shit so-)

41

Jazper: We’re getting married, bitches!

Burg: And we're about to make it everybody else's problem.

42

Jazper: I like your new pants!

Burg: Thanks, they were 50 percent off!

Jazper: I’d like them better if they were 100 percent off. \*winks\*

Burg: The store can’t just give away clothes for free.

Jazper: Thats’s… not what I meant.

Burg: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Jazper.

43

Burg: Jazper is playing hard to get.

Burg: Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.