The League of Helping Hands

## Bio

The **League of Helping Hands** is a comedy monologue with a musical vocal background performed by Benny Hill in the opening on April 25, 1984. In the performance, Benny plays a Southern Presbyterian preacher in a white suit accompanied by Andrew Francis, Jack Wright, Bob Todd, Jon Jon Keefe and Henry McGee accompanied by Sue Upton (possibly) and seven of the Hill's Angels (possibly Erica Lynley, Lisa Jackman, Lindsay Neil, Lesley Woods, Tracy Smith, Noreen Bothan and Fiona Sloman) separated into two choirs.

## Lyrics

Now, a friend in need is a friend in the back side

That's what a lot of people say

But I say if someone comes to you in a time of trouble

Now, be a friend and don't turn him away

If he says he needs a thousand dollars

Give them two or three or even four,

And for all his life he will remember you

Especially when he wants some more.

So, next time you get yourself a pot

Or a poor man with no food in his kitchen

Why some people are so darn poor

They don't have a pot to pitch in.

Friends, can I call you friends?

I know you too well to call you ladies and gentlemen.

Never forget someone in your life will need a helping hand.

Like that poor old lady whose gas stove went out...

Through the roof.

She needs a helping hand.

That lady who's so darn ugly...

That they turn off the cameras.

She has tried ever beauty product know to man.
Helena Reubenstein, Mary Clarke, Elizabeth Arden...

And she still looks like Max Factor!

She needs a helping hand.

Or that poor old boy who went for the first time to the massage parlor -

And found out it's self service!

That poor old lady who doesn't know the difference between putty and pate...

All her windows fell out!

She needs a helping hand.

And that poor boy who went into the hospital

With his arm wrapped in bandages and sticking out like that.

He turns to a woman next to him and says, "I put my arm through a plate glass window."

She says, "Lucky for you you had that bandage on."

He's gonna need a helping hand....

That poor old man with both hands burned...

Both hands covered in burns and blisters!

He'd been seeing his mother-in-law off to the station

And he was patting the engine.

He sits there in the saloon

Both hands covered in great big bandages

Like two enormous white boxing gloves

And he struggles to get that pint of beer up to his trembling lips,

But he persevered because he had courage...

And Watneys and Worthingtons...

and it took him four hours to drink twelve pints of beer!

And when he finished he stood up and he says,

"Will you excuse me? I'll only begone a minute or two or fifteen."

well, you know as well as I do he's gonna need a helping hand!

Because that's when you find out who your real friends are!

I say give that boy a helping hand!

Go and hold the door open for him!

Like that sassy little gal that hitchhiked wearin' them hot pants,

Trying to climb on the back of a truck.

I tell ya, those hot pants of hers were so damn tight, I could hardly breath.

All she needed was a helping hand.

I gave her one.

My case comes up on Thursday.

For this moment in time, I want all you wonderful people

To help me sing this spiritual song.

A helping hand, a helping hand,

Everybody needs a helping hand

A helping hand, a helping hand,

Everybody needs a helping hand

A helping hand, a helping hand,

Everybody needs a helping hand