Hold On, pt2

# This Might Be Love!

## Chapter 4 - Hold On, pt2

    Open mic night had been a tremendous success so far. Whoever they have running the schedule is making sure to stagger the performances so that between every professional act there's one or two "regular" participants, but even a lot of those are people from one of the local talent agencies who specialize in modeling, acting, or another type of performer who haven't - or didn't - become idols but have been around enough to be able to carry an impressive tune. Even the "amateurs" all did a great job, gushing over the chance to serenade "real idols" and show us how much they love our music. Some of it was predictable, and some was shocking in the best of ways.

    A young girl with dyed blonde hair belted out the Eimi Inagawa hit *Milk Tea Galaxy*. Chiyo actually owes me a soda because I called that one so accurately. A young man entertained us with Ume Takeuchi's *Precious Infinity*, meaning that though they weren't here in person, both of Tokyo's greatest idols were here in spirit. Another even got down on one knee and serenaded the girl he had brought with a particularly beautiful rendition of *Fuyu no Asa no Hinode*, though unlike our groupmate's version he hadn't brought along a koto. Even without it though the girl cried and smiled nearly the entire time and hugged him long after the raucous applause died down, so I would say that it was an unqualified success… I mean, Megumi's never gotten that reaction as far as I know. Anette even got a little jealous, though she wouldn't admit it when we teased her about it. Erika even joined Anette and Yume not just for their preview - which got a full five minutes of standing applause - but also for the song the duo used to sing with Akira at nearly every open mic night - *Boba Jubilee*, the first big hit Dam-Bi had back before she joined Interlunium. For some reason though my best friend was looking more and more nervous as the night went on.

    "You're going to do great. You perform all the time." I whispered to her softly so I didn't embarrass her over her stage fright.

    "B-But I still don't know many solo songs. And the ones I do know people have already done…"

    "You'll sound great doing anything though, even if it's a repeat. I don't think anyone will mind."

    "B-But what if they do? I'm supposed to be a real idol but I still haven't gotten my own song yet…"

    She was technically correct, but that wasn't really her fault. We'd been so busy learning our group songs and the pieces for our units that only a couple of the girls had gotten signature songs written for them, and most of their solo repertoires were from when they were solo acts. Even then only a few girls had truly original songs. Dam-Bi got hers because she had already been working on it when she joined. Junko rejected one for not fitting the right image which went to Anette - though, don't tell Anette that. I'm not sure I'm even supposed to know… But she had already performed it near the start of the evening. Even Akira only got hers because she wrote the lyrics ages ago and bugged the songwriters until they agreed to give it a try, much to Lina's annoyance.

    "You could do Dam-Bi's song. Or Akira's."

    "I c-can't do that! Akira's is too energetic, and I sound nothing like Dam-Bi…"

    I desperately wanted to be able to help her more, but the truth is that I didn't know all that many more songs well enough to stake my reputation as an idol on them either. At least not many that really suited my voice that I could sing without a lyrics sheet, and at this stage in our careers how could we afford to be that amateurish when even the actual nonprofessionals didn't need them? All I could do was hold Chiyo's hand and wish I had a better idea until it was my turn to perform, at which point I took a seat on the small stool on stage, laid out the worn old notebook I'd stolen from Junko, and quickly checked my guitar was in tune. Looking at the crowd, everything was almost perfect. The only thing that was wrong was the lack of a certain smile near the back of the room, but I know myself. If I don't get it out now, who knows when I'll be brave enough to try again…

    "Good evening everyone. Tonight I wanted to do something special. So… Here's an original song I wrote. Well… I wrote most of it. My friend Dam-Bi helped with the lyrics…" A short round of applause filled the air at the mention of our absent friend, and I smiled. I couldn't have done any of this without her, and no matter what happens I'll need to thank her extra hard for that. "It's for someone very special to me. I guess you could say they're my favorite person in the world. It's called *Hold On.*"

    ***I've always been the kind to chase the raindrops…***

    All things considered I performed well. With my guitar, I hit all the notes I needed to. As far as the vocals go… I did my best. Our audience seemed to love it though, standing and cheering, a few of them excitedly waving their penlights just like this was an actual concert. Erika-chan bounced back up to the stage from our table, applauding along with everyone else.

    "Kanon Mitsuboshi, everyone! I bet you never expected to hear an unreleased Interlunium song tonight, did you? And we got to hear TWO! Is this the bestest Valentine's ever or what?!" The cheering grew so loud that it could probably be heard all the way down the street. "We're going to take a short break to recover from all that excitement before we finish up! Make sure your drinks are refilled and you buy your sweetie an extra dessert! You know they're worth it!"

    Back at the table all of my friends were saying the nicest things.

    "Kanon, that was amazing! I had no idea you were a songwriter. Do you think that's going to be your signature song?!" Yume caught me in another of her gigantic hugs, barely letting me tuck my guitar under the table first.

    "I'm not sure. I actually wrote it bec-"

    "Très magnifique! That was beautiful!"

    "Thanks. I worked really hard to-"

    "Kanon-san! Will you write a song for me sometime? On commission, of course! You're as good at it as Mariya-sama! Plus it'll drive her crazy!"

    "I'm really not that good at…" Everyone said the nicest things except the one person whose opinion I really wanted to hear. The person the song was for. She just sat there quietly, wringing her hands nervously. "Chiyo, are you ok?"

    "I h-have to go!"

    In a flash my roommate flew right out the front door, her long ponytails trailing her slightly like the wings of a cherub. All of us called after her, including a few puzzled voices from the crowd who had seen her flight, but she was like an arrow, flying straight and true until just like that she was gone, and I found myself once again drowning in my feelings.

    "Kanon, go after her!"

    "Yeah! Stop standing there Kanon-san! Move it!"

    "I don't think she wants me to-"

    "Zut! Of course she does! You are the only one who can calm down Mademoiselles Chiyo when she's this upset."

    "It has to be you!" Frustrated over their words not convincing me, Yume cheated, resorting to pushing me toward the door. In a moment I had all three of them at my back, shoving, pushing, and practically carrying me along.

    "But… but…"

    "Mademoiselle Kanon… you're the only one she listens to!"

    "Yeah!" Shouted Erika far too loudly in my ear.

    "You're her best friend." Said Yume, matter of factly. "Now go get her! Don't let her spend Valentine's Day alone!"

    Without any idea of where exactly Chiyo had gone, I figured that the safest bet was to head toward the dorms. I knew two things very well from my days before I became an idol. One is that if someone doesn't want to be found in the city there are so many little nooks and crannies to get lost in that it's easy to make yourself invisible. The other is that for a sweet girl like Chiyo that would be an extremely bad idea, and it took everything I had to choke back my concern and keep it from throttling into a full panic. Thankfully Chiyo doesn't think like that, and I found her not even two blocks from the coffeehouse, standing in front of a closed pet store's window cooing at the puppies and kittens on display. I approached her hesitantly, afraid that she would run again if she noticed I was getting too close.

    "Chiyo…" I said quietly, trying to stay calm. She turned and looked at me, the raindrops  - or were they tears - that still stained her cheeks glistening in the streetlights above us.

    "I-I'm sorry… I didn't mean to run off and worry everyone. I just got so scared…"

    "I understand… I'm sorry too…"

    She sniffled and rubbed her face with both hands, just like Momo does to clean herself. "Wh-Why are you sorry?"

    "For… The song was…"

    "It was really good. It's the secret one you've been writing, right? F-For Junko…"

    "...for Junko?"

    "Y-Yeah. Anette and Yume told me that you were working on something special with Dam-Bi, and you said it was for your favorite person, and you like Junko a lot…"

    "I do like Junko a lot. But she's not… It wasn't for Junko…"

    "Oh. I'm sorry…" Chiyo wobbled as she stood, staring at her feet.

    "Chiyo, you're my favorite person."

    "I-I am?" She chirped, somehow unable to comprehend what was, apparently, completely obvious to everyone else.

    I love Chiyo as much as I love anyone. As much as she loves Momo. She's not just my best friend.

    She's my best possible friend.

    I only wish I knew how to tell her that, instead of standing here in the middle of the sidewalk tongue-tied.

    "I cause so much trouble for you though. Like at the coffeehouse. I didn't know what to sing, and you looked so sad. Like I let you down."

    "You didn't… I just… I don't like when you're sad…"

    "I-I'm sorry! It's n-not… I try not to be… b-but I can't always…" She looked suddenly terrified, like I was scolding her or blaming her, even though we both know that sometimes her mood is something outside of her control. And I wasn't, though in hindsight I could see the ambiguity in the words I'd chosen.

    "That's not what I mean… What I mean is…"

    Words have never been easy for me. I know that. I've never been at all skilled at painting a picture with my narrative. I try to, certainly. I've done all the dumb things kids do. I've written the text to go along with my own poorly drawn manga. More than a few times, after reading a piece of fanfiction that I found really spoke to me, I've given it my best try too. I've even posted a few online, though nobody has ever said much about them when I do. But even when I have ideas that aren't strictly terrible, my execution nearly always is. My Japanese is atrocious, and I'm hopeless with other languages. That's why I don't usually talk when I can avoid it. Instead I daydream, or write in my journal, or when I'm really motivated… I make music. As long as someone else helps provides the words I can get along fine… maybe even be a little good at it. I speak more eloquently through my guitar than with my own voice, and when I'm playing for the right reason, or the right person, it flows more easily than words ever have. That's why I thought maybe I could find the right words if I had the music to go with them, but… that… doesn't seem to have worked out, or Chiyo would have understood what I was really saying.

    "Chiyo…" I touched her hand - her right with my left, setting it on top of her warm, nervously bunched up hand - shifting my feet so I was facing her more directly instead of standing merely near to her. "What I mean… is… I don't like when you're sad… because… it also makes me sad. Not because you're sad, but because you're… not happy… and that makes me…"

    I sounded like a moron. Barely better than a caveman trying to scratch out an intelligible word on a cave wall. There are orangutans with a better vocabulary than I possess at the moment…

    "No… that's not…" I took a deep breath. Then another. Then another. She still looked afraid, which didn't help any. I didn't want her to be afraid of me, because I would never purposefully give her reason to be. At least, I hoped this wouldn't scare her…

    "When you smile, it's like… it's like I'm standing under the sun at noon on a summer day. And when your eyes light up because you're happy or excited, it shines so brightly that I can feel it… not in my skin, but… inside of me. And when you're sad… when your eyes aren't shining… it feels like there's nothing but clouds all around me. Everything is dark and gray and cold and damp, and I feel lost. I don't know which way I'm supposed to be going. But… but when I hold your hand, and that makes the sun come back again, I can't help feeling that maybe in some small way that's because of me. Not just because you have a friend, or because someone ia there to calm you down, but specifically because it's me. That somehow… I could be responsible for the sun shining so brightly, and you smiling so warmly, and the way that you stop being afraid of the bad things that could happen and manage to do the most amazing things so easily. And that makes me feel important… like I'm the most important person. Not just in Japan, or the world, but ever. I've never felt important before. And I know I don't show it… I don't know how to show it… but things are always as hard for me as they are for you. I get nervous too, and anxious, and scared, and confused. I'm confused a lot. A lot of the time from the same things as you, but sometimes, I feel like no one else is confused like I am… So when you reach out for my hand I'm reaching back for yours too, every single time, because I need you just as much to remind me that I need to be brave, and calm, and focused, because you're depending on me, and as long as you're beside me I know that we'll always make it where we're going okay. A-And maybe it's because… Because as long as I'm giving it my best, you can give it your best, and we can both do our best together. It gives me a reason to do my best and not just go through life slacking off like I want to most of the time. I want to try my best for you. I want to keep holding your hand so the sun keeps shining. I want to keep cuddling when you're so worried you can't sleep because that's the only time I don't worry about a million different things too. I want to keep making you go to school and practice when you're so sad you just want to stay in bed because it keeps me going too, and I want to keep napping on your lap when I'm bored before practice, and combing out your hair to get rid of all the annoying knots you get because you refuse to let it dry before putting it back up into buns, and trying to drag you to take a bath when you smell like Momo and it's only twenty minutes to lights out. Not just because I'm your friend, but because you're my absolute best friend. I want you to know that I love you a lot…"

    Chiyo no longer looked the slightest bit afraid, though it wasn't until now that I could even process anything going on outside of my own head. Once she pulled away from her hug - which was soft and warm and wonderful, just like her - I found myself unable to utter another sound. The sun had returned, even though it was night to the rest of the world, and there was nothing I could bring myself to do beside bask in the warmth. Even the rain didn't matter anymore. My face, my head, my neck, my entire body felt on the verge of heatstroke from my embarrassment, but she didn't give me any time to ponder the significance of what had just happened, nor wrap my head around what it meant.

    "Kanon…" Giggling more musically than anything I could hope to produce surrounded me. "You talk too much!"

    Chiyo swung forward and started moving, starting out with a small pounce forward. I was pulled along by my hand as well - I couldn't tell you when my light touch on her hand had transformed into our fingers intertwining, but that's how they were currently locked. That's how I knew it was okay to keep moving forward.

    "We've gotta go back! I still need to sing and they're probably almost done!" My heart sank a bit as I realized the reason she had cut me off. She had just gotten enough courage to fulfill her obligation to the coffeehouse… It must have been showing on my face because she stopped dragging me along, placing herself directly in front of me. "I want to sing a song with you, okay? So… can we?." A pleasant pressure squeezed my hand, sending a tingle up my arm. "Please?"

    "O-Ok." Was all I could say.

    "Thank you, bestest friend." For once I was thankful it was nighttime for something other than sleeping. She probably couldn't see the dumb look on my face this way. She really thinks I'm her best friend too… "Hurry up! We don't want to miss Valentine's Day."

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