The Attacking

[The episode starts at the FANDOM building, in FAN DOM’s office, where FAN DOM is smoking a cigarette. Driving is heard]

FAN DOM: Who the hell is that? [looks out of the window, and sees the boats from last episode coming at the building, with the people and things from last episode in them] noticing Squidward and the other cult members from last episode on the boats with things in it (read the last episode you dumb fricks), driving towards the building] Woah, these UCP protesters are armed now? Or maybe I’m still high from yesterda-

[The drivers of the boats stop near the building]

Squidward: Ladies and gentlefish, it’s time to \*COUGH\* attack!

Dr. Gill Gilliam: I hate \*COUGH\* this.

[Cut to the cult, where the vents group and Old Man Jenkins are]

Hoopla: Your government sense? What does that even \*COUGH\* mean?!

Old Man Jenkins: It means that darn government is \*COUGH\* coming after me again! I will fight them one by one, like I \*COUGH\* always do!

Junior: You’ve \*COUGH\* fought the government before?

Old Man Jenkins: Of course I have! You lazy kids can’t do \*COUGH\* anything, can you? I specifically sense the \*COUGH\* government’s faster than normal, enormous, black, and \*COUGH\* overall very cool-looking flying vehicle!

Hoopla: You’ve gone \*COUGH\* crazy.

[Cut to the sky, where a faster than normal, enormous, black, and overall very cool-looking flying vehicle is heading towards the cult]

[Cut to Squidward trying to tear down the FANDOM building door with Fred’s mailbox, with a few cult members behind him]

Squidward: [tears down the door with Fred’s mailbox, and goes in the building with some cult members behind him]

Random FANDOM employee: AAARGH! [he runs away, but another FANDOM employee behind him gets hit by a rock] LISA! MY LOVE! [Squidward appears in front of him and hits him in the genitals with Fred’s mailbox]

[Cut to FAN DOM’s office, where he is hiding under his desk, which is in front of the door so no one comes in, and holding his chair]

FAN DOM: I’m going to di-[a rock gets thrown to his window, and lands right beside him] AAARGH! [he starts hugging his chair]

[Cut to Squidward going up some stairs in the building while holding Fred’s mailbox. Screams and people getting hurt are heard in the background]

Squidward: I would like to \*COUGH\* have a word with the FANDOM boss! [he finishes going up the stairs, and sees the hallway in front of him, which has FANDOM employees getting strangled by cult members. He notices FAN DOM’s office at the end of the hallway] Hehe, I’m going to have some \*COUGH\* fun! [he runs towards the door, and tries to open it] Oh, you \*COUGH\* want the mailbox, huh? [he breaks down the door with Fred’s mailbox, jumps over the desk, and sees FAN DOM in one of the room’s corners, holding his computer] REOPEN MY WIKI AND UNGLOBAL ME RIGHT THIS \*COUGH\* ISTANT!

FAN DOM: I can’t…..

Squidward: Yes, you can! You either do it, or I will bash your \*COUGH\* skull in!

FAN DOM: But, you see…...there is no FANDOM.

Squidward: ……\*COUGH\*.........What?

FAN DOM: I deleted it. FANDOM no longer exists. And a good captain goes down with his ship!

Squidward: YOU \*COUGH\* SON OF A-what?

FAN DOM: [jumps out of the window, using the hole made by the FANDOM employee when he got thrown out of the window last episode]

Squidward: Are you \*COUGH\* kidding me?! I came here for nothing?! Come on! No \*COUGH\* fair! [exits the office] Attention, cult members! We must go back to the cult, as it looks like all of this was \*COUGH\* pointless!

[Squidward and all the cult members in the building go back to the boats, where Dr. Gill Gilliam already is]

Squidward: Wow Doc, nice going. Did you enjoy waiting here while \*COUGH\* we were fighting for a noble cause?

Dr. Gill Gilliam: I hate you, \*COUGH\* Squidward.

Squidward: WHAT?!

Dr. Gill Gilliam: \*sigh\* I said I \*COUGH\* ate you.

Squidward: …….\*COUGH\*........Thanks?

[Cut to outside the cult, where the faster than normal, enormous, black, and overall very cool-looking flying vehicle is, and its doors are opened by government employees. Cut to the guards guarding the cult in front of its doors]

Guard 1: HOLY CRAP!

Guard 2: WHAT IS \*COUGH\* THAT?!

Guard 1: I DON’T KNOW, BUT…….\*COUGH\*.........RUN!

[The guards start running away, and, as shooting is heard, it cuts to the cult, where the people there are looking out of the window]

Floyd: OH MY \*COUGH\* NEPTUNE!

Lloyd: WE’RE ALL \*COUGH\* GONNA DIE!

Old Man Jenkins: Well I won’t! [he starts punching the air while coughing randomly]

Patrick: [hugs Gary] It’s been \*COUGH\* nice knowing you, cousin!

Gary: Meow!

[Cut back to outside the cult, where some government employees are looking at the cult through its broken window]

Government employee 1: Wow, this place actually looks pretty nice. But what happened to that window?

Government employee 2: Oh no….

Government employee 1: What happened?

Government employee 2: I think I see Old Man Jenkins in there….

All the other government employees: NO!

Government employee 1: He’s going to kill us all!

Government employee 3: No! Well, he might, but we cannot give up! Throw a grenade through the window, that might stop the old man!

Government employee 4: [picks up a grenade] Here goes! [he throws the grenade through the cult’s window in slow motion, as the people in the cult run out of the room in slow motion. Then the episode goes back to normal speed and the grenade explodes, causing a lot of destruction in the room]

Hoopla: ……\*COUGH\*.......WE’RE ALIVE!

Junior: Oh thank Neptune! [he looks behind him, and sees Squidward’s room in ruins] We won’t go \*COUGH\* back there anytime soon.

Hoopla: Wait…...MY COMICS! THEY \*COUGH\* BLEW UP!

Hoopla, Floyd, and Lloyd: NOOOOOOOO!

[Cut back to the vehicle]

Government employee 4: I think he’s alive!

Government employee 3: DAMMIT! Well, let’s not waste perfectly good grenades! We’ll go there with a parachute, saying we just want information about the cult, and when his guard is down, we’ll shoot him! And the other guys there too! They must all own this cult together…..[some parachutes are thrown at him]

[Cut to Bubble Bass, who is still moving at sea, with the other people who were thrown out of the window on top of him]

Bubble Bass: This is \*COUGH\* tiring, but a hero’s adventure always is! I can already see it: me saving all of Bikini Bottom from Squidward’s \*COUGH\* tyranny!

Squilvia: Oh please, I will do that! How dare my ugly husband throw me out of a \*COUGH\* window! I should have known, he never wanted to appear in my \*COUGH\* social media pictures!

Fred: I will defeat Squidward! I am his \*COUGH\* biggest enemy! Our rivalry started with-

SpongeBob: NO, NO, NO! I WILL DEFEAT SQUIDWARD! I might have only met him \*COUGH\* recently, but he separated me from Patrick and Gary, and even THREW MERMAID MAN AND \*COUGH\* BARNACLE BOY’S DEAD BODIES OUT OF THE WINDOW! AAAAAARGH! [he punches Fred’s leg out of rage]

Fred: MY LEG!

Dennis: Y’all are \*COUGH\* pathe-\*gasp\*

Bubble Bass: What?

Dennis: [points in front of him, and everyone gasps, as the shot shows land far away, with people there]

SpongeBob: WOO-HOO! PREPARE TO DIE, \*COUGH\* SQUIDWARD!

Tom: YEAH!

Harold: \*COUGH\* DEATH!

Fred: I like the way you guys \*COUGH\* think!

Squilvia: Is that a \*COUGH\* beach?

Shubie: It is! I’ve missed beaches! Although I don’t think that’s \*COUGH\* Goo Lagoon…..

Con man: I wonder to who I could \*COUGH\* sell stuff to! Maybe I could sell sand for……\*COUGH\*.........five dollars!

Bubble Bass: And so, the hero’s journey \*COUGH\* progresses!

Anchovy: Meep.

Dennis: I……..\*COUGH\*........I’m going back to civilisation…..\*COUGH\*.........after all those years alone in that island, you idiots came along, and somehow \*COUGH\* turned my life back to normal……

Bubble Bass: And all thanks to me being an amazing \*COUGH\* boat!

SpongeBob: Hey, I came up with the \*COUGH\* plan-

[A big wave gets all of them to the beach]

Dennis: YES! [he jumps off Bubble Bass and kisses the sand]

[The others get off Bubble Bass too, and Bubble Bass gets up]

SpongeBob: WOO-HOO! SQUIDWARD, HERE I \*COUGH\* COME!

Kid: Mom, what is that crazy man doing?

The kid’s mom: Oh sweetie, he’s just one of those damn drugs-loving liberals!

[Dennis excitedly keeps walking with his group, and they stop when they see a sign saying “Welcome to Kelp Lagoon”]

SpongeBob: Kelp Lagoon? We’re in \*COUGH\* New Kelp City?

Harold: I hate New Kelpers! Always thinking they’re \*COUGH\* better than everyone! Only Bikini Bottomites can do \*COUGH\* that!

Shubie: What happened over there?

Dennis: \*COUGH\* Huh? [he notices that in front of him, a bit far away, there’s the FANDOM building surrounded by yellow police tape and police officers] AARGH! [he starts breathing heavily]

Tom: What’s the \*COUGH\* matter?

Dennis: Well, I…….\*COUGH\*........I tend to panic a lot when I see cops.

SpongeBob: Relax, it’s going to be just \*COUGH\* fine. We’ll just quickly get away from it to go back to Bikini \*COUGH\* Bottom!

[They walk towards the building, with Dennis sweating progressively more]

Bubble Bass: I wonder what \*COUGH\* happened.

Police officer: Someone has broken multiple laws here. This building has broken windows, is full of rocks, and was full of severely injured or dead people who were rushed to the hospital! Hell, this place’s boss was dead outside the building, bleeding! Criminals like this go to the  worst prison in the sea…..

[Zoom into Dennis’ face, showing he is sweating even more]

Police officer: This was only reported a few minutes ago by another cop, and it is \*COUGH\* unknown where whoever did the crime went……..\*COUGH\*.......huh, I feel kind of…..sick. The cops inside the building are coughing too….\*COUGH\*.....maybe it’s the dead bodies. But I didn’t touch them…..

New Kelper: Hey, I saw some people come from here in boats with rocks in them!

New Kelper 2: I also saw them! But they were going here, not coming from here!

Police officer: Oh my Neptune, important information! WHEN did you \*COUGH\* see this?

New Kelper: I saw them about 10 minutes ago!

New Kelper 2: I saw them about…..30 minutes ago!

Police officer: Alright, time to find those criminals and \*COUGH\* kill them! [he gets in a police boat and drives away]

New Kelper: I remember those people were coughing like crazy!

New Kelper 2: True!

SpongeBob: \*gasp\* SQUIDWARD!

Bubble Bass: Wait…..\*COUGH\*.......it all makes sense now! Squidward attacked the building, infecting the bodies, which infected the \*COUGH\* cops! And we infected that one!

SpongeBob: AND THAT ONE IS GOING AFTER SQUIDWARD WITHOUT \*COUGH\* US! LET’S GO THERE!

[SpongeBob and his group run after the police boat]

New Kelper 1: Erm, what?

New Kelper 2: No idea.

[Cut to the cult]

Hoopla: This is a sad \*COUGH\* day. I will miss my comic books.

Floyd: Same.

Lloyd: Same.

Patrick: Same.

Hoopla: Have you even read \*COUGH\* them?

Patrick: ……\*COUGH\*........Same.

Junior: PARACHUTES?!

Gary: Meow?

[Everyone in the cult notices four government employees landing in the cult with parachutes through the hole made by the grenade, holding guns]

Hoopla: AARGH!

Government employee 3: Relax! We’re just here to- [he gets kicked in the genitals by Old Man Jenkins, making him drop his gun in Old Man Jenkins’ hands]

[The other government employees start shooting at Old Man Jenkins, but Old Man Jenkins dodges all the bullets while jumping on Government employee 3, making it so he is in the air and Government employee 3 falls out of the cult. It then cuts to Hoopla, Junior, Floyd, Lloyd, Patrick, and Gary, who all look in front of them in shock as shooting is heard, and ends with Old Man Jenkins landing in front of them with the gun still in his hands]

Old Man Jenkins: I showed \*COUGH\* them!

Junior: What the hell was \*COUGH\* that?! You shot them all!

Old Man Jenkins: Yep! I was \*COUGH\* great, wasn’t I?

Junior: No!

Hoopla: Well…….\*COUGH\*.........maybe that vehicle could help us. We could use it to fly until we find Squidward.

Junior: I…….\*COUGH\*.......I guess you’re right. But isn’t there a pilot there?

Old Man Jenkins: Nah, he would have fled away by \*COUGH\* now. They must have been using one of those modern autopilot \*COUGH\* thingies that ruined our society!

Junior: Ok, but how will we get up \*COUGH\* there?

Old Man Jenkins: I am an expert on \*COUGH\* throwing things! Look! [he quickly throws everyone else in the vehicle one by one, since its door was left open] Done! Now, fly here so I can get in \*COUGH\* that thing!

Hoopla: I guess I could \*COUGH\* try flying over there.

French Narrator: A few minutes later….

[The vehicle is now slightly broken and in the air, with its door closed. Cut to inside of it, where Hoopla is flying it]

Old Man Jenkins: Took you long enough! Now, \*COUGH\* let me fly this! I am an excellent pilot, just like I am an excellent farmer, cook, \*COUGH\* teacher, and slave owner!

French Narrator: Aaand that’s the end! Tune in next time folks, because things are about to get epic!