Friends In High Places (Big Cook Little Cook Lost Episode)

When'sa your Dolmio Day? You may not know but my name is Poppa Dolmio and I am the proud father of the Dolmio Puppets. Our job is to help sell Dolmio branded sauces across the world. It of course should come as no surprise to you that this particular account is in fact sponsored by Dolmio actually no isn't sorry. When I told them about what had happened to me, the company refused to listen and when I brought up the fact that I may post my story online they threatened to sue. I love Dolmio more than anything even more so than me wife Francesca. She doesn't care because she loves her lasagne more than me. She knows that I also can't say to her lasagne recipe and she uses this to her advantage in order to blackmail me into performing gruelling yard work that no one in their right mind would want to do. Now, as stated earlier, while I do love Dolmio more than anything even my wife and kids, I just can't keep this story a secret. I've spent the last several nights sitting out on my front porch watering the peppers and other plants but the thought of this particular episode just will not leave my mind. I can't believe my favourite show of all time Big Cook Little Cook would let me down like this. I know what you're probably thinking. Big Cook Little Cook? That stupid little kids cooking show that used to air on CBeebies back in the day how could that possibly scare anyone? Well Sonny Jim, you haven't seen the likes of this episode before. It all began on a boiling hot day in the middle of June, I was busy pulling some weeds out from my garden and I was making a real fucking mess. As I busied myself by putting the weeds into a wicker basket, I felt someone or rather some people tap my shoulder.

Turning around, I was dismayed to find myself being confronted by none other than the Kameal Brothers. Who are the Kameal Brothers? Two brothers DUH who act as money lenders. They had recently loaned me a considerable amount of dough which I had wasted by buying a lovely little house in the Italian suburb. It's a known fact that you must never borrow money from the Kameal Brothers as they are very rude. They insulted my cooking and claimed my terrible cooking and lack of people skills was the reason why I was so up to my knees in debt. I really do struggle with people skills and I don't really the meaning of the word personal space. I often get right in people's face and pester them to buy some of my Dolmio sauce by asking, "when'sa your Dolmio day?" More often than not, this of course results in me getting a big slap across my big meaty snoz. A snoz for cause! The Kameal Brothers sat themselves down at my living room table where my wife Francesca delighted the pair by cooking them some onions and peppers wrapped in a fitter bread which was loaded with grease. The Kameal Brothers wasted no time and got straight into the agenda by saying, "you owe us a lot of money Poppa Dolmio. We have received the green light to evict your ass by our boss Cecil The Turtle." Oh lord, I had heard about Cecil during my days fighting in the Olive Oil War. He was known to have the quite bad rep for turning off the cable channels for any unsuspecting TV watchers. Oh, they'll try and beg Cecil into turning their TV back on but does he listen to their demands? Does he fuck! Ole Cecil was the most evil turtle going and his acts of crime were so legendary that many turtles refused to deal with him. The Kameal Brothers were known con artists which is why they were so useful to Cecil as he intended to use the Kameal Brothers to charge people extraordinary amounts of interest on their homes. It was a known fact that when buying a home you must never buy one from the Kameal Brothers, but I was a very stupid man so I didn't know that.

After learning from the Kameal Brothers that I had only one day to pay my rent, I decided to earn the money by selling Dolmio sauce in the street to wealthy business people who would happily have me killed if they could. Oh if only they could! I knew that I couldn't possibly sell my jars of sauce alone so I opted to get some assistance from my son Carlo. Carlo worked as a mechanic in Little Italy, Empire Bay but he was spending some time back home because reasons. Look I don't want to get into alright. Okay I will. Carlo got himself fired from his job as a mechanic recently because he kept filling up cars with spaghetti sauce instead of actual fuel which is totally something that I wouldn't do. Having no place to go, Francesca against my wishes I might add opted to allow Carlo to stay with us for as long as he pleases. Carlo was very judgemental as his time in Empire Bay had turned him snooty like some kind of Squaliam Fancyson. He would mock me and my wife as we picked tomatoes from the fields behind our house. "Oh Momma Poppa what's a going on!?" Carlo bellowed as he couldn't stand the fact we were picking our tomatoes naturally as he wanted us to be getting our tomatoes directly from a Tesco or Morrisons. Carlo isn't my only son as I do happen to have two kids another son and a daughter but they're so fucking boring that I won't even bother describing them. The only thing worth mentioning is that my second son can't really talk and as a matter of fact the only thing he can say is; "lasagne." Oh bravo! Anyways, Carlo and I put on our aprons and parked ourselves out the local prescient and started trying to flog our Dolmio Sauce onto people.

I wasn't a very good salesman, and it also didn't help that Carlo and I ended up getting chewed out by an incredibly miserable bugger named Joe Toe who couldn't stand the fact that we were selling jars right next to the entrance as that entrance was his wife. Yes, Joe was married to the front entrance and why is that you ask? Well I don't know. Carlo tried his best to get rid of Joe Toe by offering to buy him a pint, but what Carlo failed to realise is that Joe didn't drink and as such as he decided to get us evicted by calling the coppas and lying to them that we were dealing heroin. The police refused to believe Joe's lie as he was known for crying wolf, but they did offer to evict us when they found out that we were selling Dolmio Sauce without a Dolmio license. You see; it is a long standing rule that you cannot sell Dolmio Sauce unless you have a Dolmio license. Carlo and I did not know this of course so we were pulled out from the prescient by the ear by Commissioners Sam and Max who were having the quite slow day it would seem. They just been at the beach by the look of things as Sam was wearing a horrid yellow and black swimming outfit like some kind of bumblebee while Max had a snorkel and goggles. Noticing we looked very hot and bothered, Sam offered to take us out for a coffee at the local Starbucks and Carlo and I agreed happily. At Starbucks, Sam became very interested in me when I revealed that I owed money to Cecil Turtle who according to Sam had been on the police's list for years, but they couldn't quite finger him for anything. Wink. Um... red potatoes. Anyways, Sam took a sip from his coffee as he explained that Cecil was no doubt using the money made from the Kameal Brothers to embezzle money from the Egyptian Government.

While drinking our coffees, I had happened to spot Cecil at the front counter ordering himself a Prune Danish and a cup of ass sauce. He didn't spot us however as we had all dawned ourselves some Groucho Marx esque disguises. After Cecil made his leave, we removed our disguises as Sam proclaimed, "we could get that mad green slime ball of a perp right here and now." "Who the hell would want a Prune Danish?" I wondered out loud. "A criminal mastermind so doubt." Sam answered as we all made our way out of the Starbucks using the back entrance despite protests from the employees. We got inside of Sam and Max's car and we began tailing Cecil down the street. He drove a Red Volkswagen Beetle which really needed a wash as it was caked in bird shit. Cecil was driving for awhile until he eventually pulled up on an old rundown street where he saw a Santa Clause impersonator dealing Tic Tacs. The impersonator was very bad at his job as he often forgot to cover his face with his fake beard. Cecil walked up the Santa Impersonator and handed him a small blank DVD disc. "Hey grassy ass." The impersonator said as Cecil blew him a kiss and said, "now remember; send that DVD straight to Old Lady Windago. She'll be so scared she'll have to pay us the protection money alright?" He then coughed out some eye balls as he then continued with, "that old bat will no doubt wanna show that DVD to her grandson. Her son is some high and mighty investment banker and when he sees this.... oh man the prices are gonna tumble I tell you what." After Cecil made his leave, Max leaped atop the Santa Impersonator and proceeded to rip his heart clean out from his chest like some kind of Indiana Jones rip off. We could get a copyright claim because of that Max you cheeky little ticker! "Oh Max..." Sam whined as he gave himself the biggest facepalm that you'd ever see.

We threw the body of the impersonator into the back of our car, and opted to bury it in me backyard as I had enough shovels at my house to feed an army. Assuming that army eats shovels and if they do then I must ask what the fuck is wrong with that army? They need some milky! Arriving back home, we had stuffed the body into a carrier bag but we ended up getting stopped at the door by Francesca who was holding a pot full of spaghetti and meatballs. "Ah my husband so good to see you. Oh you've brought company! How delightful. I made us some spaghetti using completely natural ingredients." Francesca explained as she stuck the bowl of pasta right up into my face. "Completely natural ingredients?" Carlo inquired as we were forced into the house by Francesca. As for the dead body, Sam stuffed inside of his hat which made it look like he has a massive cock on his head. Oh dear. After sitting down at the table, Francesca started embarrassing me by rambling on to Sam and Max about the time I blew up my washing machine by attempting cook dinner in it. "Oh what a Bobby Jaguar!" Sam remarked as he shovelled a huge forkful of spaghetti into his mouth. Not wanting Francesca to tell any more embarrassing tales, I asked if we could perhaps watch a little movie or a DVD on the kitchen TV. "What about that DVD Cecil tried to give to.... well you know?" Max inquired. We all agreed that we should probably watch the DVD first before we apprehend Cecil as it could after all turn out to be nothing more than a spouse goose if you catch my drift. Oh yes catch it like a cold! There was also the very slim chance that this could turn out to be something incredibly sinister like a really scary video of a man cutting off his toenails and mailing them to Boris Johnson. The toenails will be delivered to Mr Johnson just as he is about to dig into a lovely full English breakfast. Oh buggering buggerton isn't that a bit rude I must say!

Francesca grabbed Carlo by the ear as well as Max and forced them to do the washing up. She hated Max and forced him to wear a muzzle which honestly made me cry. Cry of laughter I mean! I mean that poor Santa Impersonator probably had a family Max. You rude carrot onion! Sam slammed the DVD into the TV's DVD player and it started by showing two really SICK commercials. One had these really weird pie mascot named Moriarty who kept rubbing his body as he asked rhetorically, "wanna a piece of me?" Oh I would! Ahem! I'm getting a bit hot under the collar if you know what I mean, but the second and final commercial had Superintendent Chalmers rubbing olive oil all over his mighty bald head. Also while rubbing olive oil over his head, Chalmers was pulling a very wacky face which seems very out of character for Chalmers if we're being honest here people. Once the commercials were over, I ended up jumping for joy as the theme song to Big Cook Little Cook began to play. I in fact jumped so hard that I ended up crashing through the ceiling. I was unable to get back down as my fat head ended up getting stuck. Thankfully, Francesca ended up getting me down by hitting me with a frying pan which as you may expect sent me plummeting down towards the kitchen table. Francesca hit me across the side of the head with a wooden spin as she yelled, "get a hold of yourself dear before I have you sent off to Grandmother Darth Vader!" Carlo laughed at me which caused Francesca to glare at him with the most sinister glare that has never been known. Fearing for his life, Carlo turned on his heel and went back to washing the dishes. Sam laughed and in a curious voice which sounded a bit like peanut butter oil asked, "so what's this show all about then anyhow?" "It's about two chefs one named Ben and the other named Small. They get into all kinds of adventures all the while trying to cook something for a different guest each and every episode. I really do mean every single episode."

Ah! I had not seen Big Cook Little Cook in years, and I was very much looking forward to going back to my favourite childhood show. To my complete and utter shock and fear, I found the theme song to be completely SICK and wrong. First of all, Small was not flying on a wooden spoon and was instead flying on top of an old thorn which caused his entire torso to become riddled with splinters. Small grimaced violently as did I. Also, all of the food that Small flew past had caterpillars coming out from them. Not ordinary caterpillars mind you. The kind that glow in the dark. I tried in vain to convince Francesca to let me buy one, but unfortunately I was having no such luck when it came to that. She feared that the caterpillars would end up eating through our tomatoes, but I highly doubt that would happen. Back to the theme song when Ben looks at his watch he looked very angry and yelled, £2 "H curry the fuck up Small!" He looked really angry and I don't even think he was acting. Taws as if the actor behind Ben was really angry with how long it was taking for Small to get from point A to point B. Well Ben I have a lesson for you. Have a little patience. None of the guests shown waiting outside the restaurant looked very happy . Some of these guests waiting outside included the likes of Colonel Dodo, Sam Bramsberry, and even Pimping Sanders. Oh my that's fruity! I will admit hand on heart the vert last part of this theme song made me laugh like a seal when Small ended up flying straight into the front door of the restaurant. Of course, this caused Small to spelt like a big ole blue bottle fly. Ben held his hand up to hi s mouth in compete shock as funky saxophone music began to play in the background. Very funny I must say but it doesn't really now does it?

After the theme song ended, Ben was shown sitting in the kitchen reading a book on proper cooking edicate but it is worth mentioning that he was reading the book upside down which perplexed me very much indeed. Ben was reading that book for awhile until Small finally appeared on the scene flying on his wooden spoon like usual. "hey Ben wanna see how fast I can fly! I can fly really... oh sugar honey ice tea!" Small cried as he ended up flying straight into a kitchen cabinet which had all the boxes of sugar on top of it. "Oh small please do be careful!" Ben cried at the very tip of his lungs, but sadly it was no use as the cupboards ended up falling all over the kitchen creating a huge mess in the process. "Oh Small!" Ben yelled as he made his way onto the scene only to find Small completely covered in flour and sugar. Small took off his glasses and began rubbing them with a handkerchief as he said, "it's not my fault Ben. The old spoon don't handle the way it used to ya know?" "I really don't care Small I just need you to be on peak behaviour. I mean what if an inspector were to come again. I don't want you to embarrassing me like you did last time." Okay, first of all tone it with the attitude alright Ben? According to a flashback, the last health inspector who just so happened to be a fat fucking slug had asked Small for a pea and ham soup, but Small was so busy trying to act all cool in front of the inspector that he failed to hear the part where the slug specified that he couldn't have salt on anything for obvious reasons. To this end, Small ended up giving that poor slug a big ole bowl of pea and ham soup which had a thick layer of salt sprinkled a top of it. In retrospect, the slug really should have been able to see the huge pile in the salt, but alas he didn't and he ended up taking a big bite out from the salt pile. His mouth began to froth as he cried, "hey I said no salt!" You know that poor slug died, and after the funeral Ben and Small found themselves being held in contempt by the honourable Governor Winnie Da Pooh. Pfft honourable yeah right, but you didn't hear that from me okay dears.

Governor Winnie Da Pooh was the only reason that Ben and Small's restaurant was still running, and he had warned the pair time and time again that if they stepped out of line one too many times, he would have them sent to Grandmother Edgar for punishment. Grandmother Edgar would no doubt try and kill the pair by dipping them in her premium Grandmother Edgar Crème. Back in the 1930's or 1920's depending on who you ask, Grandmother Edgar had a bad reputation for getting mice hooked on her crème. The crème was known to get the mice very drousey and caused them to fall asleep outside garage doors where they would no doubt end up getting stepped on by a local mechanic and his gorilla feet . Could it be Carlos Ahem! Now, Ben was immediately fearful when he heard about this possible punishment. He always had been deathly afraid of Grandmother Edgar as she had raised Ben as her own son. you see; as a child, Ben was abandoned outside the local train station and was discovered by Grandmother Edgar who decided to raise ben as one of her sons. Sadly, Grandmother Edgar was not a very good caretaker as much as she claimed to be one as she was known to frequently punish Ben by jamming cotton swab into his ear. It is widely believed that this is the reason why Ben can't go near a cotton swab even to this very day. Ben himself also speculated that this is the reason for his faulty hearing and the rea l reason why he can't hear a cow moo even when it's sitting right next to him. Ahem! Sorry folks, but Ben's story about having horrible hearing is sadly a story for another day Stay another stay another day! Ha ha! So... ha ha! lorry that one always manages to crack me up. Crack me sideways if you catch my drift. Catch it like...hang on didn't I already do that joke?

Returning back to present day, Small rubbed his chin knowingly as he then pulled a face like some kind of Mr Bean and said, "oh yes I remember that." Clasping his hands together, Ben said, "so please for the love of all that is holy please try and act rational today okay?" Suddenly, the doorbell went a ring a ding a ding banana phone and Small went to go and see who it was. He couldn't believe what he saw! Outside on the front porch there was none other than Governor Pooh himself. "Let me in Rabbit." Governor Pooh said, but Small refused saying that despite being a governor, Pooh was still only a customer and would have to abide by the customer code of honour. Having no time for that like some kind of Taco Bell employee, Governor Pooh pushed the door open with his immense strength as he bellowed, "out of my way you sissy fuck!" He had swung the door with so much force that it had sent Small flying to the other side of the bloody room. Sitting down at the kitchen table, Governor Pooh immediately brought the matter to business. "I have a very generous proposal for you two, and you may want to sit down for this as it is a very long story and it drags a bit in the middle." Ben sat down on a chair across from Governor Pooh but he ended up sitting atop an old whoopie cushion which had obviously been placed there by Small. The whoopie cushion made it seem as though Ben had let out a massive fart which nearly made Governor Pooh spit out his tea. Ben glared at Small who was smiling a wicked onion cat smirk, Following that little accident shall we say, Governor Pooh decided to move on to the main agenda of the evening, he wanted Ben and Small to host a royal banquet for some of the most elite politicians from across the globe including Governor Pooh himself of course, General Asquith, and many many more. The most important person who was due to attend was none other than Mr Allen who owns several restaurants all across the country, nd would happily make a deal with Ben to buy out his restaurant if he and Small were able to impress him with their cooking skills.

Ben was so overjoyed by this news as he asked with new found glee forming in his eyes, "oh my dear Mr Pooh I simply don't know what to say!" "A simple thank you would do." Governor Pooh said with a sad look appearing on his face as he rudely had Ben and Small pushed out of the way by his two heavily built bodyguards. After Governor Pooh made a hasty departure, Small turned to face Ben who had his arms crossed and was pulling a very arrogant face. Seriously, Ben what is with your attitude in today's episode? Tone it down will you! Small then asked what he could do to help with the royal banquet, but that's when Ben mentioned he wanted Small no where near the banquet hall on the account of what happened the last time the pair went there. They went to the hall for the annual pie cooking competition, and Small ended up ruining the entire competition by stupidly filling his and Ben's pie machine up with Genco Pura Olive Oil. It was written on the very back of the pie machine that the one thing you don't want to put inside of it was olive oil. Most specially olive oil of the Genco Pura variety. It caused the machine to overheat which in turn caused a massive explosion. Many lives were lost as many people drowned to death in the olive oil. Remembering this story, Small became very sad very sad indeed. He made his way outside of the restaurant, and into a small forest like area located just next to the restaurant. Making his way through the forest, Small ended up sitting a top an old tree stump located in the very heart of the forest. Shall we say 7 am at the old oak? Ahem! Sorry about I had a frog in my throat, but thankfully Sam managed to yank it out from there. Anyways, seeing how bummed out Small was about the fact he would be unable to attend the royal banquet, Ben opted to make a quick phone call. He called his dear friend Gordon Gecko.

Gordon Gecko was a real estate tycoon who had gained big power in around 2006 after he tricked elderly coin players into joining a horrid get rich scheme. The scheme ended up being busted by the police after they received a tip off from a mouse with a severe nose injury. Though the old timers were arrested, Gecko went free the bastard. Not wanting to become a suspect, Gordon Gecko abandoned his real estate ways and became a teacher for good manners and edicate. I believe he even wrote a book on the subject of edicate, but I can't for the life of me find a picture of it anywhere. Could you? Coughing out some nose hair, Ben cried his heart out into the incredibly smelly payphone about how he didn't want Small to mess up his chances of impressing the powerful business people with his cooking skills. To his surprise, Gordon was more than happy to tutor Small, though he did of course charge an enormous amount of interest before going along with the plan. That evening, Small returned to the restaurant only to find the entire kitchen area having been converted into a massive classroom of sorts. Gordon Gecko appeared next to an old and quite frankly very smelly chalkboard holding a book which detailed the recent rise in the silicon mass, but I don't think we need to worry about that now do we? Do we? Oh shit what have I done? Now, Gordon actually ended up being a terrible tutor as he taught Small that being rude was the way to go. So after this lesson with Gordon, a customer in a three piece suit came into the restaurant to ask for a red velvet cake, but Small responded by slapping that man across with the face with a glove as he said, "I'll shit on your corpse ya old windbag!" Furthermore, Gordon convinced Small to run over street signs with his car, and he and Small ended up spending an entire afternoon and evening smashing into street signs and running over old ladies who was just minding their own business and crossing the street. Elder abuse is not a joke okay Gordon? Fuck that guy.

What distressed Ben most of all was when Gordon convinced Small to purchase drugs from 18K Triad who have no problem when it comes to paying what is owed it would seem. When he came into the restaurant the following morning, Ben was horrified to find Small and Gordon just sitting on an old beanbag playing Shrek 2 on Xbox. Both men were quite clearly high as fuck. Small ended up having a horrid drug induced nightmare where a rather phallic looking thing said, "you're pretty hot." Waking up, Small screamed a scream that was so loud it caused Max who was still washing dishes to drop one of the diamond crusted plates onto the floor causing it to shatter into a million tiny bite size pieces. Francesca then proceeded to hit Max in the back with her broom much to his chagrin. Maybe Francesca could become Max's arch nemesis should a sequel ever hit the corner. It's just across the corner waiting. Sorry about that, now anyways, finally realising that Gordon was only going to cause more trouble than good, Small was sent off to another good friend of Ben's named Duckworth. "Oh I'll teach him a thing or two quite right." Duckworth said as he rudely hung up the phone on Ben which seems very out of place for someone of his character if we're being honest here people. Duckworth ended up having his session with Small inside of Big Ben. Yes, somehow Duckworth was able to rent out the entire clock for one afternoon. How does that work exactly? Oh please be quiet and just let Duckworth carry on being Duckworth okay dear?

Now, Duckworth's method of gaining Small some good manners and edicate was actually far more effective than Gordon Gecko's had been. In fact, in reality, the only reason Gordon had agreed to help Ben in the first place was so that he could pick pocket some pizza toppings from the bottom of Ben's freezer. Would you put pizza toppings underneath a freezer anyhow? I don't know for the mice I guess. To help Small gain good table manners, Duckworth opted to make a cup of hot sweet tea and offer it to Small. Small's task? All Small had to do was ask for the cup of tea in the most polite way possible. It could take many attempts, and just when it looked as though Duckworth was about to give up, Small ended up asking in a very stereotypical British accent, "I say Sir could I trouble you for a spot of tea?" "Excuse me Sir what was that?" Duckworth inquired like some kind of Neddie as Small responded by asking the same question once again using the accent. After seeing Small finally gain some decent table manners, Duckworth ran out into the street and proclaimed, "he's got it! Oh by Joe he's got it!" Got what Duckworth what has he got? For the remainder of the day, Duckworth and Small put in long hours to try and get Small to be the best he could be.

That evening, the royal banquet was being held at 10 Downing Street or in the very least a building which remarkably looked like 10 Downing Street. Ben made his way into the main dining area wearing a a fancy tailored suit and found himself being greeted by the various powerful and important people including big man Mr Allen, General Asquith, Superintendent Chalmers explaining his uncalled for cameo in the commercial earlier, and of course Governor Pooh. For the next ten minutes, Ben was introduced to the various people in the room who had some very complex questions for him to answer. For one, Chalmers wanted to know how much a log rhythm was worth much to Ben's annoyance he was forced to answer the question before anyone would let him pass through. At that moment just in the nick of time I might add, Small arrived at the banquet hall in a red and black limousine. Heading inside the hall dressed in a three piece suit, there was honest to otter no way you would be able to recognise the man standing in front of Ben right now. It could not have been Small. He had his hair combed back, a pencil moustache sketched onto his face, and his glasses were now... actually no his glasses were the one thing that had stayed the same. Thank goodness for that I must say! "So Small we were just discussing the current rise in ethos in kitchens all around Boston and New Hampshire what might I ask is your take on it?" Lord Omar asked as Small then began going on a massive tirade about ethos. Delighted and possibly aroused by Small's sudden change in character, Governor Pooh demanded that his staff pull up a chair so that Small might sit right next to him at the head of the table. "Hey what!? Small I need your..." Ben was rudely cut off as he had an apron thrown at him by one of Pooh's assistants. "Cook for yourself you damn yank!" Small joked. "Oh good lord what have I done?" Ben asked himself as he disappeared into the kitchen putting his uniform on in the process. "I've turned Small into a monster. No matter, I'm sure I can cook this entire royal banquet without his help."

Could Ben really cook that entire royal banquet without the help of his possible lover Small. I highly doubt that, and I ended up being completely right in doubting him as Ben ended up making a real mess. He came back into the dining area carrying a massive plate of scolding hot lobsters, but he ended up tripping on a rather badly placed banana peel. Ben went flying across the entire bloody room as he ended up causing the lobsters to pinch a nearby old lady's nose as Ben hadn't bothered to probably kill the lobsters. Ben didn't like the idea of killing something anything even if it was something as scary aa a lobster. I'm shits scared of ;lobsters and this was the real reason why I refuse to watch SpongeBob Square[Pants on the account that I might end up seeing Larry Lobster. He is by far the most scary lobster of all. For the remainder of the banquet, Ben kept making huge mistakes while Small was getting into Governor Pooh's good books. Eventually, Governor Pooh decided to bother Small employment as his official bodyguard or possibly even his transport liaison. What happened to his last transport liaison? Well let's just say he went mad. Eventually, the lobsters began revolting and they grabbed hold of Ben with their immense strength. To my complete shock and fear, Ben tried to break free from the lobsters but it was no use. Ben was carried into the kitchen where he was thrown into a massive pot of boiling hot water, Ben screamed in pain, but the lobsters were able to drown out Ben's cries of pain by singing a song that i heard once in a dream which made me sick. Very sick indeed. While inside the pot before dying, I could Ben singing, "oh my these pots and pans will start to small if you don't clean them really well!"

Realising that Ben had been gone just a tad bit too long for his liking, Small decided to go and search for his dear best friend despite receiving protests from the rest of the dinner party. Small headed into the kitchen where he of course found the lobsters rejoicing over the fact that Ben was dead. They were preparing to have some homemade Ben soup wink. Very quickly putting two and two together, Small realised what had happened and cried, “oh my God you killed Ben you bastards!” I was in the middle of trimming my moustache and Small’s loud shout had caused me to chop a good bit of it clean off. Carlos laughed at that naturally but quickly learned to hold his tone, when I mentioned that I had photos of Carlos and his friend Squidy Gorse eating a pig which would no doubt ruin Carlos’ chances of marrying his fiancée. I don’t really think that the relationship is going to last long anyhow given the fact that Carlos’ darling fiancée cannot stand my wife’s cooking. Francesca has a very strict rule which states that if our children’s partners hate her cooking then a marriage cannot happen. Oh bother. Carlos feared those photos as he had lied to his beloved that he had gone vegetarian. But he hadn’t! He never did Remy he never did.

Sorry about that big ole tangent I got wax in my ears; in any case, Small after learning the tragic fate behind his beloved cookie master, he sunk to his knees and started crying. At that moment, an elderly butler carrying a cup of Espresso came crashing through the walls of the kitchen. He held his cup of espresso up to Small’s face as he asked, “did somebody say extra fast?” “No!” Small cried ay the very top of his lungs. The elderly butler’s eyes suddenly became very sly as he said rather awkwardly too awkwardly if we’re being honest here people; “oh.” He then disappeared in a cloud of green smoke which must of smelt horribly as it caused Small to pull a horrifying face. Though he could also have been pulling that face as a result of the cheesy chewing gum which had found itself stuck to the ceiling of the room. I wouldn’t worry too much about that though Small as that ceiling is older than the pyramids. OLDER!?

Having apparently lost his senses, Small pulled out a butcher knife from a kitchen side and started going in ham on the little lobsters. He killed all of them and after the deed was done, Small was shown covered in a mess of lobster guts and other lobster type stuff that you couldn’t possibly understand so I shan’t bother describing it to you. To Small’s horror, at that moment, the doors to the kitchen swung open as Mr Allen came in accompanied by Governor Winnie Pooh. Mr Allen smiled an incredibly cheesy smile as he held out his hand to Small. “What are you doing?” Small questioned. “Only a real chef with balls of steel would be able to kill lobsters in cold blood like that Small. So, I have decided to offer you work as my chief executioner at my lobster farm over in Greenoak. So, what do you say sexy?" Mr Allen held his hand out for an uncomfortable amount of time before Small finally agreed to shake it. Wink. However, Small immediately recoiled the handshake which caused Mr Allen to look very sad. Very sad indeed. Hmm send a ham to his widow. Wait a second Mr Allen isn’t dead… or is he? That my friends is sadly a story for another day. Stay another stay another day! Small decided to cut loose and ripped off his tailor suit and began to sing a song about how you needed to wash pots and pans really well. Now there is the Small that I know! Disgusted beyond any kind of reasonable measure, Governor Pooh had Small thrown into the Rottweilers' den. Luckily for Small, the Rottweilers were far more interested in reading Robert Frost so they allowed for Small to go free like a hummingbird in Salt Lake City.

For the next two minutes, we were treated to a montage of Small walking down the street while really sad music played in the background. Small walked onto a small wooden bridge which overlooked the river. Sam stood at the front of the bridge clearly very deep in thought as he asked in between sobs, “oh Ben… why did you have to go away?” “Oh, Small can’t you see? I never went away.” A voice could be heard saying. Small looked up and saw and I’m not even joking here Ben as the moon. Ben’s face was now the moon and he sang, “fear not little Small fear not little speccy twat for this is your chance to make history.” Small taking this to heart realised that much like Ben said this could finally be his chance to make history and prove that he ain’t no chicken reader. He is a human being!  Small returned back to the restaurant  a changed man a spotted dick changed man and that’s just beautiful in my humble bumble opinion. Under Small’s complete and total control, he renamed the restaurant to Singy Eatey Time.

Singey Eatey Time was a dinner theatre type thing where the whole gimmick was to throw fruit at the people who performed on stage. If the person tried to escape, you would simply combat this issue by hogtying them to the stage. You could also throw a brick at them if you really wanted to let them know just how much their show sucked. But what you fail to realise is that the person performing on stage is singing about how dangerous the new ethos in the workplace is. Small gained enough money from Singey Eatey Time to be able to strike up a brand deal with Tesco Extra. Through this brand deal, Small was able to latch a Tesco Extra store onto the side of the restaurant like a bad case of leeches. It is also worth mentioning that in order for the brand deal to work effectively, Small had to plug Tesco Extra at very opportunity even going as far as to only serve people food that came from that particular supermarket chain. He claimed that he had actually cooked all of the food, but he hadn’t. Oh Small just when I  thought you were turning a new corner!  Furthermore, Small also put in arrangements to have billboards advertising his place scratted all across town even from as far North as Frisco. The billboards were basically just massive Gifs of Small eating a burger and then waving. He then gave the screen a thumbs up as he proclaimed, “trust me on this!” Oh and by the way the billboard had Christmas lights hugged onto it which were so fucking bright that they’ll make your eyes burn off. No seriously, they’ll make your eyes literally burn off. It happened to some old man over in Benning.

The episode then ended with the normal credits, but they were quite promptly ruined by a SICK post credit scene which featured Richard Fatchurd ordering a pizza from Pizza Hut only to find out that he no longer had good credit. I got sick. I guess Sam must have been feeling it too as his stomach ended up bulging at a rather violent rate. I thought he was going to die! But he ended up just having to belch the most almighty belch that has ever been belched. Sam’s loud belching caused not just me, Max, and Carlos to go flying to the other side of the fricking room but also for his hat to fall off revealing that we had killed the Santa Imposter. I looked over to see Francesca and what her reaction would be, but to my surprise she was simply giving a look of acceptance. Huh. After that, Sam returned to normal as he stuck his finger up into the air and proclaimed, “let’s go and crack this case!” I guess Sam wanted to look cool or something because he ended up attempting to jump through our living room failing to realise that it was locked causing Sam to get a very sore nosey as he ended up banging his head real hard against the glass.

Leaving the house with the DVD in hand, we started speeding towards Cecil’s apartment… well we would have done but Francesca pulled us over first. She handed Small a large brown bag full of ass noodles which for some odd reason Sam rather gleefully accepted. “Gee Sam don’t you think we’re getting a tad bit familiar?” Max remarked. Do I detect a hint of jealousy Max?  Uh… red potatoes! Racing to Cecil’s apartment, I decided to assist Sam and Max with confronting Cecil. Carlos meanwhile stayed to watch the car as we didn’t want to get any parking tickets. Well aren’t we sensible? Knocking on the old tortoise’s door, Cecil answered it and looked very sleepy and so I was quite frankly. I think Sam and Max were too as they had large black bags forming under their eyes. Max rudely kicked the door open as he yelled, “we’re shutting down your little game with the Kameal Brothers shell boy!” Walking inside into the apartment, I found discs of bootleg DVD’s scratted all across the tables including one which was a Peppa Pig episode entitled; “Father From Another Piggy.” All of the DVDs had their titles etched onto them with some lovely help from our good friend Genco Pura Olive Oil. So, as you can quite clearly see it’s all coming together like a beautiful house made all out of wood for keeping you dry when it’s raining.

Not wanting us to crush his chances of embezzling the British Government by making Boris Johnson eat a pig live on camera, Cecil held us at gunpoint as he said evilly, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Drop the DVD’s son.” I did as told and dropped all of the DVDs which I had carefully stuffed into an old Lidels bag onto the floor. We all held up our arms albeit very reluctantly with Max remarking, “of all the days to leave my guns at home. Why did it have to be this one?”  Looking to buy some time before Carlos inevitably comes into to save the day, I decided to ask Cecil about his time working on the rigs in Florida. “Oh my what a story. It all started back in the Summer to end all Summers. Back before you know what and no one had to pay for air.” Cecil began as he pulled up a red leather arm chair and began reclining on it as he began telling us his life story. Twas quite the file quite the story. Hopefully, Cecil will make it into an audiobook and sell it to Audible. Wink.

Using sign language, I was able to communicate to Sam and Max that we could easily take down Cecil while he was busy yapping away. I mean he’s only a blooming tortoise after all! Just as we were about to tackle the son of a bitch, a large rolling pin covered in sunflower oil ended up hitting Cecil across the back of his head knocking him out. Think that it was Carlos finally coming to save the day at the last minute in order to finally earn his salt and prove those pricks over in Empire Bay who fired him wrong? Ha ha WRONG! It was Francesca who had come to our aid, and she revealed that she used to babysit Cecil many moons ago and that he once bit her left pink y clean off. The little bastard! Sam and Max arrested Cecil and laughed at his screams of pain as he was thrown into the back of a patty wagon.

Following Cecil’s arrest, I began to take a far more calm approach to life which allowed for my life to improve day by day. I ended up moving to a place where nobody knows my name, and the wine tastes fine like a pine. The Kameal Brothers were not taken down sadly as they were friends with the DA. I’ll throw an egg in his face don’t you worry! I ended up becoming a chef for Don Ennio Salieri who was very nice. However, even though Salieri claimed that my cooking was a masterpiece, I knew fully well that he was still going out to eat at Pepes every Friday. Cause Pepe is a fantastic chef, and I am not I just thought that you would know! Other people’s lives began improving all around me with Carlos finally marrying his still yet to be named fiancée after she learned to ignore her lactose intolerance and fall in love with my wife’s goat cheese tar plate. A plate covered in tar with a layer of grated goats cheese sprinkled atop it. Isn’t that the dream? Well it’s been fun, but it’s time for me to go. I got to cook up lunch for the Mayor and Salieri at their favourite gentlemen’s club. It’s not the sort of thing that I like doing but you know semantics. But before I go I must ask I may; whens’a your Dolmio Day? Oh when… whens’a your Dolmio Day?