The Simpsons: Go Big or... Not So Big/ The Burning Shouting Match

< The Simpsons: Go Big or...Not So Big

This is a fanfiction story in which Homer Simpson and his friend Carl take an embarrassing video of Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers arguing and talk about it on the live news.

**(Notice: Pacing may be a bit quick, so don't be surprised if it is. Also, constructive criticism is appreciated.)**

**(WARNING: Crude humour. Reader discretion is advised.)**

Author: Julia Finitevus (Admin)

## The Burning Shouting Match

"Homer, are you sure this is a good idea?" Carl asked Homer Simpson nervously, who was holding a grey cell phone.

"Aw come on!" Homer whined, waving the cell phone in the air. "This is our chance to pull off the impossible prank! Mr. Burns won't know we put a woopie cushion in his chair cushion thingy. He'll think he actually-"

"Yeah, yeah," Carl interrupted, looking about restlessly. "I get it."

"And besides," Homer continued, opening Mr. Burns's office door slightly and quietly, "we'll have something funny to show the guys."

Carl rolled his eyes and suddenly there was a lot of shouting.

"Either you learn how to do some of these things on your own or I'm done-!"

"Smithers, really, quiet down. My eardrums can't take loud noises like your shouting."

"I'm done babying you, Mr. Burns! I've had it!"

"You can't just quit."

Homer Simpson heard all this and started recording the conversation on his cell phone, trying not to giggle like a little girl.

"Try me!"

"If you're going to quit, you're fired!"

"That's right, 'Baby' Burns, and I'm not coming back!"

"Don't be so sure about that!"

"That's it! Good day, *Mr.* Burns!"

Homer and Carl snuck away as Smithers stalked furiously towards the office door. The former assistant pushed it open with a loud bang and marched away, not even bothering to close it.

"Hehehe! Baby Burns!" Homer looked at Carl and told him, "We just pulled the prank of the century!"

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"Honey, I'm home!" Homer called as he entered the house.

"Dad, could you help me with my science project?" Lisa Simpson asked as soon as she saw her father. "It's supposed to be a model for the planets of the solar system and I don't want to give the teacher just any model."

"Sorry sweetheart, but I-"

Homer was interrupted by Bart calling, "Dad, my dog took my comic books and won't give 'em back!"

*"Do'h!* Not now, Bart-"

"Homey!" Marge shouted, "The cat got into the peanut butter cookies again!"

"Who wants to eat cat with cookies?!" Homer exclaimed, not certain as to what to do. "Anyway, guess what?"

"What?" Marge stepped quietly into the room Homer and Lisa were in.

"I'm gonna prank both Mr. Burns and Smithers with this embarrassing video of them having a shouting match! Isn't that great?" Marge looked at Homer disapprovingly. Clearly she didn't find this funny.

"Homer, how many times have I told you that pranking people like that isn't fair?" Marge asked, crossing her arms.

"All I'll do is talk about it on the news. What's wrong with that kind of a prank?" Homer asked, confused. He thought everyone would laugh at it.

"Whatever conflict between them is going on," Marge replied, "is nobody's business but their own."

"But Smithers quit," Homer whined. "Or Mr. Burns fired him. Not really sure which happened." Marge still disapproved of Homer's plans.

"I still think you shouldn't do it," Marge stated loud and clear.

"I agree with Mom," Lisa spoke, stepping towards her mother. "This dispute should stay private."

"What dispute?" Bart asked as he walked down the stairs. He was being a bit nosy about this.

"None of your business, Bart," Marge said firmly.

"Aw, come on. It'll be hilarious!" But it was futile. Marge wasn't convinced, Lisa agreed with her, and Bart had absolutely no idea what was going on. Homer was on his own with this one.

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Dinner that night was not exactly pleasant. Homer was still planning on pranking Mr. Burns and Smithers even though his wife disagreed, Lisa still pestered Homer about her science project, and Bart kept wanting to know what was going on. Maggie slopped her bowl full baby food on the dog's head and the cat hid under the couch, afraid of getting covered in baby food. It really was unpleasant.

"What's dad doing?" Bart asked Lisa, who was working on her science project again.

"Nothing, Bart. Now get me that glowstick please!" Lisa pointed to the glowstick impatiently, as if to say *get it now, or I'm going to tattletale on you again.* Bart grabbed the glowstick and handed it to Lisa.

"You're no fun."

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"Hello, Springfield!" Kent Brockman, the news anchor, greeted cheerfully the next morning. "This just in, we received a startlingly embarrassing video of Mr. Burns and his assistant Smithers having, as Homer Simpson (who supplied us with this video footage) had put it, a 'shouting match'. Let's watch and see what the two men were arguing about, shall we, hehehe!"

Bart, who was watching the news, laughed hysterically when he saw the video. "Best... prank... *ever!* I gotta tell Millhouse!" Bart jumped off the couch and ran to Millhouse's home to tell him what happened.

Marge still wasn't happy about what Homer did. "Homer, it's one thing to plot to put a *woopie cushion* on Mr. Burns's chair. But this is too much! Suppose you get fired again?"

"Don't worry, Marge. It'll be fine," Homer told her, spilling coffee on his tie by accident. *"Do'h!* That was my favourite tie."

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"Oh come on already!" Mr. Smithers exclaimed when he saw the news while in Moe's bar. "Can't a guy catch a break? Now people are going to ask all sorts of questions!"

"Uh huh," Moe replied, not really listening. He was too busy cleaning cups and other dishes.

"You're not even paying attention are you?" Smithers asked, pushing his empty cup away.

"Uh huh," Moe repeated, confirming what Smithers thought.

"I might as well go home and hide from the public for a while. Thanks for the drink." Smithers slapped down some money on the counter and left, just as Moe repeated "Uh huh" for the third time already.

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"Who gave the news people that video again?" Mr. Burns asked his new employee, who happened to be the unfortunate Ned Flanders.

"Homer Simpson, sir," Ned Flanders answered impatiently. Mr. Burns had evidently been so desperate to have another assistant that he was willing to hire an ordinary man in the least rich part of Springfield.

"A new employee?" Burns still didn't remember who Homer was.

"Uh, no," poor Ned answered, desperate to get out of there. "He's been here for years." He clearly didn't want this "job".

"Hm. Bring him in." Mr. Burns looked at his watch and said, "And when he leaves, *release the hounds."*

"What 'hounds'?"

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*"Do'h!"* Homer exclaimed as he spilled more coffee on his tie yet again. "How many ties do I have to get ruined?" He grabbed a paper towel and wiped off some of the liquid.

"Homer?" Ned Flanders addressed, coming into the safety inspector's office. "Mr. Burn or something wants you in his office immediately."

*"Do'h!"* Homer followed Flanders into Mr. Burns's office.

"Leave us," Burns commanded, frowning considerably. Flanders rushed out in an instant. Burns then looked at Homer with a very angry glare. "Do you know why you're here?"

"Um... doughnuts? Coffee?... ice cream?" Homer was randomly guessing the most absurd things.

"No, you idiot! You're fired, that's why you're here!" Mr. Burns shouted, coughing immediately afterwards.

"You can't fire me," Homer whined. "Who's going to be safety inspector? Who's going to make sure that everyone gets plenty of doughnuts and-"

"I'll find someone! Now get out of my sight, you incompetent, traitorous... employee I don't even know!"

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"He fired you?" Lisa asked when Homer told the family what happened while they ate dinner.

"Didn't even say why," Homer replied, taking a beer out of the fridge. "Maybe it's because Krusty was playing in Mr. Burns's bird bath this morning."

Bart laughed with his mouth full and almost choked on his food. Marge glared at him and then looked at Homer. "Do you think he'll rehire you?"

"I dunno." Homer took a long gulp of his beer. "Ever since that Smithers guy left, Mr. Burns has been grouchier."

"You mean 'more grouchy'," Lisa corrected her father. "'Grouchier' isn't a word."

*"Do'h!"*

"But I thought he was fired!" Bart exclaimed as Maggie slopped baby food on his head, much to his chagrin.

Homer simply shrugged in reply.

"Well, obviously we need Homer to get his job back somehow," Marge spoke, thinking. "Maybe you can convince Smithers to help you. He knows Mr. Burns better than anyone."

"I dunno. Wait, who's Smithers?"

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"Stupid mailman, too lazy to actually bring my bills to the door..." Mr. Smithers slammed the mailbox shut as Homer drove and parked right in front of him.

"Hey, Smithers, could you help me?" Homer asked as Smithers glared at him with frustration.

"You humiliated me on the news with that video you took. Why would I help you?!"

In Homer's opinion, Smithers looked run down. The man evidently hadn't shaved recently and was walking around in horribly stained pajamas.

"Wow, you look terrible," Homer remarked, getting out of the car. "Go to a big party or something?"

"No!" Smithers snapped. "It's none of your business!"

Homer shrugged in response, much to Smithers's chagrin.

"You don't get it, do you?" Smithers continued, becoming more than a bit furious. *"I'm depressed!* There, I said it, you happy?!"

"What's 'depressed'?" Homer asked blankly. For a nuclear power plant safety inspector, he was pretty dumb.

Smithers facepalmed and just walked away. "Moron."

"Wait what about-?!" Homer was interrupted by Smithers slamming the door of his home shut. "Huh. I was going to ask him if he wanted some doughnuts," Homer said to himself, getting into the car and grabbing a box of doughnuts from the back seat. "Oh well, more for me!"

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"I thought I told you to release the hounds!" Mr. Burns practically shrieked in Ned Flanders's face.

"I don't even know where the hounds are!" Flanders shot back angrily. *"God, forgive me for having to work in a place like this,"* the poor man thought.

"You're even worse than my last assistant!" Mr. Burns continued, banging his fist on his desk, only for there to be a popping sound coming from his hand. "My knuckle is dislocated. Fix it at once!"

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Lenny asked Carl as they hid outside Mr. Burns's office, taking video footage.

"Trust me, it'll be hilarious!" Carl told him.

"I thought Homer got fired for doing something like this just yesterday," Lenny replied nervously.

"I thought he got fired because Krusty was playing in Mr. Burns's bird bath."

"He has a bird bath?"

Carl signaled Lenny to be quiet and they continued to take video.

"Ouch!" Burns shrieked loudly. "Can't you put a joint back in place without it hurting so much?!"

"Sorry sir," Flanders replied sarcastically.

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"You wasted all that time you could have been getting your job back," Marge exclaimed, "on eating *doughnuts?!"*

"Marge, I was hungry," Homer whined. "Besides, I can go back tomorrow."

"Do you know how many *bills* came in the mail earlier today?!"

"Um... one?"

"No!" Marge threw a bunch of envelopes in Homer's face, which wasn't very encouraging. "Seventy bills! And that doesn't even count the grocery store bills!"

"What?!!" Homer almost fainted when he heard that.

"And that's not the worst of it," Marge continued. "The school sent us a bill for two thousand dollars."

*"What?!!"*

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"Smithers!" Homer banged his first hard and loud on Smithers's door. "I need your help!"

Smithers, disgruntled, opened the door slightly. "What do you need me for?!"

"I lost my job and I need it back!" Homer was becoming desperate at this point.

"I quit my job and vow never to set foot in there again!" Smithers shot back, attempting to close the door. But Homer managed to keep it open.

"What got you to quit anyway?" Homer asked, suddenly curious.

"None of your business!"

"I lost my job. Probably because I shared that video on the news or because Mr. Burns saw Krusty the Klown playing in-"

"Yeah, I heard about the video," Smithers interrupted. "If I help you, will you stop bothering me?"

"Maybe," Homer replied simply.

"By the way, what in Springfield does Krusty have to do with you getting fired?"

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"So your dad got fired because of the video?" Millhouse asked Bart incredulously. Bart had invited Millhouse over and the latter happily accepted the offer, excited to get more news on what was going on since the prank. A pile of playing cards sat between them as they chatted away about the incident.

"We think so," Bart told him. "Not really sure though."

"I bet it was worth it though. Right?"

"Not exactly."

"Why not?" Millhouse asked.

"Because we got seventy bills in the mail, not counting the grocery store bills and the school bill," Bart replied.

"Man, that's gotta be harsh."

"I know, right?"

"Yesterday I saw that Smithers guy stumbling around like a total drunkard," Millhouse told him.

"Meh, not my problem. Got any fours?" Bart asked Millhouse, who had his cards backwards. Of course, Bart could see that Millhouse had two fours and a couple of fives.

"I can't see the numbers!" Millhouse whined. "These are stupid playing cards! What kind of a card game is this?! Where are the numbers?!"

"Dude, your cards are backwards," Bart responded indifferently.

"Oh. Thanks." Millhouse fixed his cards. "Wait a minute... you- you cheater!"

"Hey, hey, I won last year's 'Greatest of All Cheaters Award'! Don't tarnish my absolutely magnificent reputation!"

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"Flounders!" Mr. Burns called, rather annoyed. "Where's my soup?!"

"It's Flanders!" Ned corrected, bringing in the bowl of soup, which was sloshing around dangerously. "And here's your soup!"

"Flounders, where's my German pancake?" Burns asked, not impressed.

"The hounds got loose and ate the whole thing, sir. And it's Flanders!"

"Flounders, where's my tea?!"

"We have no tea left, you drank it all! And it's still Flanders!"

"Well then, get some," Mr. Burns shot at Ned Flanders, "because my throat feels like it's going to wither up and turn into dust."

"That'll be the day," Ned muttered under his breath. The poor man turned to exit the room, frustrated to the point of jumping out a window.

"I really am beginning to wish I didn't fire Smithers," Burns muttered. "This assistant is getting on my nerves."

"I heard that!"

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"I still don't think this is a good idea," Homer told Smithers as they hid behind a hedge with a small camera.

"Trust me," Smithers whispered. "If we get this on recording, it'll be perfect."

"But Krusty got sued once already for doing this once," Homer replied, nervous.

"Yeah, but with this video, Mr. Burns will be forced to hire you back and not sue Krusty again." Smithers adjusted the camera as he spoke.

"Ugh, the suspense is killing me." Homer shifted uneasily, watching and waiting. "Did you hear about the parrot that got run over by a tract-"

*"Will you please shut up?"* Smithers was becoming rather frustrated with Homer already...

"Or maybe it was a parakeet. I don't remember. Anyway, it was run-"

"Shut up!" Smithers was silent for a moment, then let out a sigh. "No, no, I can't do this. Not to my best friend."

Homer stayed quiet, not sure if he should shut up like Smithers told him to a moment ago or to try and change his mind. Homer went with the former.

Suddenly there was a noise behind them. "I thought you guys would be a bit desperate, but this?... of course I'm desperate myself to get out of this job."

Both Homer and Smithers turned to see Ned Flanders standing there.

"Ned Flanders!"

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"Bart, where's your father?" Marge asked Bart, who was still playing cards with Millhouse. "He's been gone quite awhile and I'm worried."

"Dad and what's-his-name are probably coming up with some elaborate scheme for dad to get his job back," Bart replied. "Got any sixes?"

"I still think you're cheating somehow!" Millhouse retorted, setting down his sixes.

"Meh, whatever. Again, no tarnishing my-"

"'Absolutely magnificent reputation'," Millhouse finished for Bart. "Yeah, yeah, I can take a hint."

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"It seems my prayers to the Lord have been answered," Ned whispered to Homer and Smithers.

"Well, your prayers weren't exactly answered they way you probably wanted," Smithers told him, putting his camera in a bag. "We have to come up with something less... less..."

"Heartbreaking?" Homer punched in jokingly. Smithers glared at Homer, shutting him up right away.

"C'mon, let's go. We can't let Mr. Burns see you guys." Flanders gestured for them to follow him.

"Off we go... and hopefully we don't meet any hounds on the way. Good thing I brought doughnuts."

Flanders looked at Homer in frustration. "You brought *doughnuts?!"*

"What? They taste good. And a total stranger on the street told me dogs hate doughnuts," Homer announced proudly.

"Oh, God... we're so in trouble." Flanders hadn't walked two feet when a voice asked, "Going somewhere?"

"H-hey, Mr. Burns," Ned greeted nervously. "Um... I'm... escorting tourists?" What a stupid thing to say.

"Tourists, eh?" Burns repeated. "I know they're not tourists. Do you really take me for a fool? One is a former employee." He gestured to Smithers, who was staring anxiously. "And the other," Burns started, gesturing to Homer, "I don't even recognize."

"That's Homer Simpson, sir. The nuclear power plant's safety inspector," Flanders told him.

"A new employee, hm?" Burns turned to Homer. "Well what are you standing around here for?! Get back to work or you're fired!"

"Yes sir!" Homer took off in a flash (literally) towards the plant.

"As for you, Smithers-"

"I'm sorry sir, I was just helping out Homer, I didn't-"

"Be quiet!" Smithers was silent.

"I want to rehire you," Mr. Burns finished. "I don't say this much... actually, I don't think I ever said it all, and I never will say it again. I'm... uh... er... sorry... for... um... firing you."

"That's the best thing you ever said to me in a lifetime!" Smithers exclaimed, hugging Burns tightly.

"Don't you dare get sappy with me, we have work to do!" Mr. Burns pushed Smithers away quickly. He did not like being hugged very much. Ever.

"Does this mean I can go home to my kids now?" Flanders asked quietly. The poor man knew the answer and was eager to leave.

"Yes," Burns replied, looking at his watch absent mindedly.

"Freedom!" Flanders practically shrieked, taking off in an instant (literally). "Yipeee!"

"So what now sir?"

"Now it's time to release the... oh wait. The hounds were taken to the pound a few hours ago for trespassing on private property."

"Wait a second..." Smithers was looking at the water fountain that was a couple of yards behind Mr. Burns. "What on earth is Krusty doing in that water fountain?!"

Quite an ending.

~