Keep Up Your Pecker With Colonel Decker!

Keep Up Your Pecker With Colonel Decker! is the twelfth chapter in the Wombles Five.

Steed cursed his luck. An Armoured Personnel Carrier raced up to him.  A soldier popped his head out.  “Good day to you to sir!  Have you seen four desperate looking men in a black, sporty looking van?”  “I wish I had!  Steed, leader of the Avengers.  I want them too.  There on our most wanted list!” replied Steed.  “Steed?  I thought Cap America was in charge of the Avengers!  Or maybe Nick Fury?  But Steed? Are you some kind of kook?” said the soldier.  “Not those Avengers!  The Avengers! Steed, Cathy Gale, Mrs Peel, Gambit, Purdey, Mother, Grandma, Father, One Ten!” said Steed.

“Oh!  Those Avengers!” shouted the soldier.  “Colonel Roderick Decker at your service sir!”  “Much obliged!  But we need to go fast though because the A Team have left to find Venus Smith along with Bond!” replied Steed.  “Bond?  James Bond?” said Decker.  “007” said Steed.  “Who is Venus Smith?” asked Decker whilst racing the APC away with Steed giving him directions.

“She used to be a singer then an Avenger” said Steed.  “With Cap America?” asked Decker.  “No! With me!” replied Steed.  “Ah yes carry on” said the exasperating Decker. “Then I killed her, entirely necessarily, brought her back to life to kill my arch enemy Mrs Peel who was and is again my friend.  Are you following?” said Steed.  “Yes” said Decker doubtfully.  Steed continued,  “Venus found out I killed her to start with and joined SCAR.  So she is now the most wanted criminal in the UK.  But is also Hannibal Smith’s long lost sister.  Got it?” concluded Steed.  “Got it soldier!  We blast Venus off the face of the earth and take the A Team!” shouted Decker.  “Sort of” said Steed.

“Actually to kill Venus you have press the ruby poking out of her stomach.  She is immortal otherwise.”  “You take Venus!  I take the A Team!” shouted Decker.  Steed just let it be and guided them to SCAR HQ at Loch Lomond.

A purple tentacle poked out of the loch.  Decker saw it.  “The Loch Ness Monster!” he said with glee.  Steed didn’t have the heart to tell him it was a Venussian Octopus in Loch Lomond.

When they found Venus, she turned out to be dead already. “Why is she dead?” said Steed but obviously, he got no answer.

Cathy & Mrs Peel were getting quite fed-up in the strange place. They were currently fighting lots of Purdey duplicates. Since neither of them knew ballet, they weren’t doing very well. Then a duplicate of Tara appeared. She was holding a basket which contained Thomas & Lucy. “Destroy all the Purdeys & you can have them back.” She said in a cruelly sweet voice. Cathy broke her into 3 pieces & took the basket. “Now to get out of here!” said Mrs Peel. “Do you know how?” “We have to find a door with 15 colours on it.” Replied Cathy. “But we should start by jamming the machine. That will make it easier.” They both went & shot the machine then shoved their shoes into it. The building once again appeared to be an ordinary museum.

Once Cathy had picked her children back up, she & Mrs Peel easily got out. It just happened that a Canadian member of SCARE was on holiday in London & had been hearing about the latest happenings. They had also seen pictures of Cathy & Mrs Peel alongside the information. So getting out of the strange place wasn’t particularly lucky.

Cathy & Mrs Peel finally broke free outside Venus’ bedroom. They could hear activity in there so they went in. “What are you doing here?” asked Cathy. “We were going to kill Venus.” Replied Steed. “But I killed her ages ago!” said Mrs Peel. “Then Cathy brought me this outfit I’m wearing since my clothes had been burnt off.” “It’s all true.” Added Cathy. “Oh.” Said Steed. “Why are you carrying Thomas & Lucy round in a basket?” “It’s a bit complicated.” Said Cathy. “Isn’t it, Emma?” “Yes.” Agreed Mrs Peel.

Suddenly Face came in. “Have you seen Venus Smith?” he asked. “Um… yes… why?” replied Steed. “She is Hannibal’s long lost sister. Oh wait, I shouldn’t have come here really, should I, you’ll just arrest me.”  Face was about to leave but Steed stopped him.  “That is Venus Smith.” He said, pointing.  Face paused for a moment then tried to leave again, but Steed stopped him again.  He hand-cuffed him.  “Every time!” said Face.  “Every time I try to do anything I just get arrested!”

Just then a helicopter came up outside of the window.  The rest of the A-Team were inside it.  They flew it into the building and knocked out Steed, Cathy and Mrs Peel.  Colonel Decker ran out the room and got caught by the Canadian member of SCARE.

Face leapt into the helicopter and they flew off.  “I suppose Venus wasn’t there then?” said Hannibal.  “Er” replied Face.  “Well actually she was.  Lying on the floor dead.”

Hannibal fainted and the helicopter crash-landed.  B A got out and lifted it the right way up.  The others were unconscious and bleeding all over.  He tried to wake them up but ended up going off on his own.

Later Mr Chips found Face, Hannibal and Murdock very nearly but not dead.  He stared at them for a moment then suddenly fell down a hole.  Mr Chips looked around when he landed.  He was in a strange vehicle.  Steed, Cathy and Emma were there but all asleep. There was a loud clang from above. A man in army uniform appeared. “Who are you?” asked Mr Chips. “Say what you see” replied the man. “Bond, James Bond?” said Mr Chips. “That’s right!” replied Bond.  “We need to get out of here.  This sub”  He was interrupted by Mr Chips.  “Way? Version?  Machine gun?” guessed Mr Chips.  “No!  Submarine! This submarine belongs to SCARE and they will kill us all if we don’t escape!”.

“Say what you see!” said Mr Chips  whilst rushing up the ladder towards the hatch.  “Let’s get out of here!” shouted Bond.  “That’s right!” said Mr Chips.  Just then Steed, Cathy and Emma woke up.  “Bond!” said Steed.  “James Bond” replied Bond.  “Where’s my car!” demanded Steed.  “This way” said Bond scurrying up the ladder.  Steed, Cathy and Emma followed.  They climbed out of the sub into darkness.  Steed poked his umbrella up and the earth flopped to one side.  Mr Chips looked down at them.  “Say what you see!” he said.  “A secret access point for a SCARE submarine” replied Cathy. “That’s right!” said Mr Chips. They all climbed to the surface. Steed spotted his Jaguar.  He got in with Cathy next to him in the front, Emma in the back with Mr Chips.  Steed raced away back towards London.

“Wait!” shouted Commander Bond.  “I can’t!” replied a voice.  “Why?” asked Bond.  “A mad woman is about to shoot off my limbs!” replied the American voice.  “Keep talking!” shouted Bond.  “Down here!” replied the voice.  Bond followed it into the sub.  He went back in and found a door.  It suddenly flew open and knocked him out.

He woke up in a small metal cell.  There was tape machine playing Colonel Decker’s voice.  “Stop that machine!” shouted an identical voice from behind a steel wall.  Bond did. “They tricked you idiot!” shouted Decker.  “Idiot?” said Bond thinking aloud.  “That’s it!” he continued.  Suddenly he started singing.  “AEIOU, AEIOU, AEIO, AEIO, AEIOU!”  Bond and Decker broke out of their cells at the same time.  “You know AEIOU?” wondered Decker aloud.  “I am an AEIOU” replied Bond.  “You’re an Advanced Escapologist Idiot Or Unlucky Agent?” asked Decker.  “No! I’m an Army Executive Intelligence Officer Upperclass!” replied Bond.  “Oh I thought you were just an idiot” said Decker.

A woman walked in. “Going somewhere?” she asked sarcastically.  “Tara King! You’re on my list.  I wanted to get Venus Smith today but you’ll do.” Bond reached for his gun but the woman was holding it.  “Lara King actually” replied the woman pointing Bond’s own gun at him.  She had a Canadian accent.  “Tara is my twin sister.  By the way I would like her back.  Which one of you has her?  Or is she with the Avengers?”

Cathy, Steed & Mrs Peel had now all gone to different places. Cathy had gone to Grand Steed Manor. There was suddenly eleven knocks at the door. “Purdey, is that you?” asked Cathy & answered. It wasn’t Purdey. “Well, I kind of am but not the one I believe you meant.” Said the woman who was there. “Because-as no one has ever discovered before-Purdey is her surname. She is my daughter, and so are you. My name is Katrina Purdey. Purdey is therefore your maiden name.” “And Purdey is my sister?” asked Cathy in shock. “Well…yes.” Replied Katrina. “Anyway. I wanted to tell you that a foreign SCARE member from Toronto arrived in London this week. And allegedly she has found some stuff to do, which means she’s causing chaos. Her name is Ms Lara King, the twin sister of Mrs Tara Keel. I believe Tara leads the UK branch of SCARE.” “Yes, she does. I find her quite weird, since she killed the man she married without even divorcing him. And now still has his surname.”

Murdock woke up in hospital. “Where am I?” he said. “Hospital.” Replied a doctor. “Hospital!” replied Murdock.  “I must escape!  There will be ghosts and zombies!”  The doctor stared at him.  “Ghosts and zombies don’t exist.” They said.  “Oh and I suppose you’re wondering where Hannibal, Face and B A are?” Murdock nodded.  “Well…” replied the doctor.  “At SCAR HQ.”  they took off their mask and they were Lara!