Fish Out of Water

**Fish Out of Water**is episode 43a of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on June 10, 2000.

## Synopsis

Carver is being dragged on vacation, so he forces Edward and Eric to petsit his piranha.

## Cast (WIP)

* Andrew Rannells as Edward and Therapist
* Josh Peck as Eric
* Frank Welker as Sweetheart
* Veronica Taylor as Carver
* Mike Pollock as Angus
* Grey DeLisle as Barbara and Witch
* Edward Felker as Employee

## Trivia

* Although this episode premiered in 2000, it was produced in 1999 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.
* In this episode, Eric tells Edward he is good at pretending to not know everything, implying he is fully aware that he is stupid. As a result, this episode usually receives backlash from CERTAIN types of people.

## Transcript

(The episode begins with a shot of Edward as a fish, swimming around dirty water and getting chased by a piranha)

**Edward:**(narrating) I don't know what it means, Doc, but I had a fever dream I was a goldfish, swimming in a pond, getting chased by a piranha, except it wasn't any pond. The water was peanut butter. (the camera pans out to reality, and he pops his thought bubble) What could this mean?! Why should I spew out these feelings that would normally make me sound psychotic?!

**Therapist:**Uhhhh... (takes out a book titled "Psychiatrist's Guide to Disappointing Patients" and flips through a few pages) to establish the illusion that I want to help you.

**Edward:** Oh, thank goodness. I believe my series of trauma originated from a week ago, where I got myself into this mess. It all started when my friend, Carver-

(Suddenly, we hear beeping)

**Therapist:**(looks at his wristwatch) Five o'clock. (puts on a raincoat and top hat) I'm not a therapist anymore.

**Edward:**But, wait! The story!

**Therapist:**(sighs and sits back down, rolling his eyes) DO tell, Edward.

**Edward:**Don't worry, Doc. I can squeeze it in just 11 minutes. (the camera begins fading) It all started a week ago...

(A cabinet opens, and Carver grabs a can of peanut butter. The fridge opens, and he takes out a jar of pickles. He grabs a loaf of bread from the top of the microwave. He takes his trustworthy baseball bat, walks outside, and smashes a beehive open)

(Carver walks back into his apartment, covered in stings. He spreads peanut butter and honey on his slices of bread, and lays out several slices of pickles. He slams it together and eats his peanut butter honey and pickle sandwich. Suddenly, he spots the brothers spying on him. He rushes to the window, which he smashes open with his bare fists)

**Carver:**YOU JERK! YOU TELL ME HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING ME!

**Edward:**Well, at first, I was just curious. But now I'm disgusted.

**Carver:**Prepare to be curious about (grabs him by the collar) your specially made knuckle sandwich!

**Edward:**I WISH IT WAS AN ACTUAL SANDWICH!

(A witch happens to be conveniently walking down the apartment building's hallway)

**Witch:**Ask and ye shall receive. (snaps her fingers, turning Carver's arms into sub sandwiches)

**Carver:**AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!

**Eric:**Yay! (picks up one of the sandwiches and eats it with Edward)

**Carver:**NO! MY ARMS! STOP!

**Eric:**We may as well call this a sand-witch.

(Cut to live-action stock footage of a crowd booing)

**Edward:**Oh boy, this would go good with mustard.

**Carver:**That's it! (prepares to kick them, until he hears a voice)

**Barbara:**Carver! We're already packing!

**Carver:**Crud. (turns his attention back to the brothers) Alright, dorks, if you don't want to hear from the end of my fist, then you're gonna need to petsit my piranha, Sweetheart, while I'm gone for 3 weeks.

**Eric:**Sounds easy.

**Carver:**Feed him, clean his tank, and play with him. SEVEN DAYS A WEEK! And if you dare mess with him...well, you better have medical insurance. (slams the door)

**Edward:**(sarcastically) Aren't we just four-leaved clovers?

**Eric:**Oh, no, no. Remember what I said about petsitting being easy? What Carver just did, means that I'm a professional.

**Edward:**In what?

**Eric:**A professional in petsitting! He trusts us! This should be easy, right? (walks up to Sweetheart's tank) I mean, what do ***I***know? Other than not knowing what petsitting really is.

**Edward:**Eric, it's just like babysitting.

(Eric is still clueless)

**Edward:**Except...with a pet?

**Eric:**(genuinely shocked) My, oh my. What will they think of next?

**Edward:**(pretending that didn't happen) Well, let's see how easy it is. After all, I have a pet owl, or my name isn't Edson Pearward.

**Eric:**It is?! (faces the audience) My whole life's been a lie.

(Edward facepalms)

(Camera transitions to a shot of Eric's face)

**Eric:**See, Edward? I told you this petsitting thing is easy, although on one condition.

(The camera pans out to reveal him sitting on Sweetheart)

**Eric:**Does it ACTUALLY involve SITTING on the pet?

**Edward:**(gasps) NO, ERIC, ***NO!!!!***

(Edward throws him off and inhales. He dives his head into the water and performs a successful CPR on Sweetheart)

**Eric:**Eugh! Kissing!

**Edward:**(takes his head out of the water) It's not that. (grabs a card from his pocket) I'm actually (we see a closeup of said card) officially certified in aquatic CPR.

**Eric:**Oh yeah.

**Edward:**(takes his head out of the water) And Eric, I'm only gonna tell you once, but I am serious: you have to treat animals delicately and respect! Listen to me - if you were a fish, you wouldn't like beings physically bigger than you to-

(Cuts to Eric's vision, where Edward is speaking gibberish)

**Edward:**Eric, you heard that, right?

**Eric:**Loud and clear.

**Edward:**Could you please repeat it, then?

**Eric:**Oh, hold on, I don't think my ears were on. My brain must've filtered it out with my daily dose of random facts, like how squid brains are donut-shaped, (Edward gets progressively irritated) or how there are no muscles in your fingers, or anchovies being the reason why chickens are abundant in the US, or "fluffle" referring to groups of bunnies, or-

**Edward:** ***ERIC, PLEASE!!!!***All I'm saying is- (suddenly, we hear a jackhammer)

**Eric:**Hold on, just emptying my brain. (jams a screwdriver into his ear and screws it as if it were a nail) Alright, NOW it has room for info.

**Edward:**(sighs) Look. I'm just trying to say, PLEASE treat Carver's piranha with respect and dignity. We have to take care of him every day for... (he instantly remembers how long Carver will be gone for, and his pupils shrink) Oh no. 3 weeks.

(At the airport, his family is checking in)

**Employee:**You guys are lucky. That's the last available 3-week vacation spot we had.

**Angus:**Aren't we just four-leaved clovers?

(Cut back to the Brutus living room)

**Eric:**Alright. Treat Sweetheart good. Gotcha.

**Edward:**Thank you. (takes out the list) First, we have to feed him fish flakes.

**Eric:**They should be (points to the drawer's cabinets) in there. (crouches down to open one, but he accidentally hits his head) OW! (steps backwards, but bumps into Sweetheart's tank. He gets startled and unintentionally smashes a piece of it open with his elbow)

**Edward:** ***NOOOO!!!!***

(Water rapidly leaks from the affected area, and Sweetheart swims around in a panic)

**Edward:**OHMYGODOHMYGOD! QUICK! TAPE AND WATER!!!

(Eric takes off so fast he leaves behind a trail of fire. Edward desperately covers the open area with his palm, but he begins absorbing the water)

**Edward:**(his voice is now deepened as a result) Eric. Come...quick.

**Eric:**(returns with a glue stick) Tape isn't gonna work against water, (glues around the smashed area) so this oughta do. (glues the shattered glass back in as well, and "fills" the water back in with a water bottle)

(However, the retrieved water barely even exceeds a single inch. The shattered area breaks open again, causing more water to spew out. Edward spits out his absorbed water in shock)

**Edward:**(screams exactly like a little girl, with his hair and eyebrows raising) ***HE'S DEHYDRATING!!!!!!!!!!***

**Eric:**(a light bulb shines over his head) I have an idea! (sees the light bulb above him and flickers it off in annoyance)

**Edward:**No. Don't.

**Eric:**(grabs Sweetheart's tank) Wow, are you AGAINST an animal's life being saved? (rushes to the bathroom, and Edward facepalms again)

**Edward:**(chases after him) Eric! WAIT!

(Eric dumps the entire tank into the toilet. Edward walks in and gasps)

**Edward:** ***AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!***(rips himself in half)

(Eric flushes the toilet, but it starts overflowing, and Sweetheart rises up)

**Eric:**(screams bloody murder) SEWER ALLIGATOR! (runs away, and comes back in with a flamethrower) I'll save you, Sweetheart! (sets the toilet on fire, completely unaware Sweetheart is in there)

(He runs off again, and he comes back in, dragging an ENTIRE gas station. He applies gasoline from a gas pump near the toilet and tosses a blazing match to it)

(The bathroom explodes, sending the brothers flying and crashing into the living room wall, leaving imprints of their bodies. They collapse)

(Sweetheart is sent flying as well, but fortunately, he lands in a glass of water. He nonchalantly swims around as if nothing happened)

**Both:**(they wipe sweat from their forehead) Phew.

**Edward:**Eric, why did you perform such homicidal mayhem?

**Eric:**Edward, you know I'm only good at one thing, and that's pretending to not know everything.

**Edward:**But you- I just- (groans) Promise me you won't cause any more damage.

**Eric:**"Safety" is my middle name. (takes out his birth certificate) No, really, look.

(Edward is visibly shocked)

(Later, the brothers have barely finished cleaning the tank)

**Edward:**Alright, we can put him back in now.

**Eric:**Yeah. This hard work made me thirsty, though.

**Edward:**Get some water.

(Eric walks away, and then he comes back in, already finished with a glass of water)

**Edward:**That's more like it, now we need to- (suddenly, he gasps and turns his head backwards) Eric.

**Eric:**Yes, Edward?

**Edward:**Which glass did you drink that out of?

**Eric:**(his eyes widen) Uh oh.

(Cut to a relaxing view of the planet. Edward screams so loud that it violently shakes)

**Edward:**NOT AGAIN!!!! OH, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?! (cries)

**Eric:**At least this counts as eating healthy food, (chuckles) right?

(Suddenly, Edward gets an idea and performs the Heimlich Maneuver on Eric. He ends up spitting out Sweetheart, and he lands in a conveniently located water bowl. Edward turns pale and faints from all of his shock)

**Eric:**That was a close one, right, Edward? (notices he's out cold) Edward? Oh well. I guess I'll feed Sweetheart without him.

(He walks past the can of fish pellets, and he enters the kitchen, opening the fridge. He makes a sardine sandwich and applies loads of hot sauce on it)

**Eric:**I think Sweetheart will really love fish! (prepares to dump the sandwich into the tank)

(At that moment, Edward regains his consciousness)

**Edward:**(gasps) ***ERIC, NOOOO!!!!***(extends his tongue and eats the sandwich) He's not a cannibal!

**Eric:**Sorry.

**Edward:**(grabs the fish pellets) You have to be feeding him- (suddenly, his face turns red and he collapses to the ground, gasping for air) WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THAT?!

**Eric:**Oh, (looks at the hot sauce bottle's ingredients) well, that hot sauce combined truckloads of Carolina Reapers with "healthy doses" of dragon breath, magma, and acid rain from Venus.

(Edward screams bloody murder and puts his tongue underneath the kitchen sink, but only a tiny drop comes out. Floyd is seen doing construction with the pipes outside of the apartment)