Episode 1 Transcript

## *FALL OF THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES - Episode 1: Fall Of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles* Transcript

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Episode 1 spoilers! See Episode 1 for more information about the episode.

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(Intro theme plays)

Leo: Raph, come on, we don’t have all day.

Raph: (Struggling) I’m tryin’, I’m trying!

(Sounds of glass breaking and other items falling proceed)

Leo: Brother are you okay?

(You Got The Goods theme plays as Raph reveals his outfit)

Leo, Donnie, Mikey: \*Gasping\*

Raph: I better look good.

Leo: Brother, you’re dazzling!

Donnie: (Slurred) Wait, wait, I don’t think it’s right.

Raph: Ugh, I can’t do this man!

Mikey: If you don’t do this, my boss will assassinate you! (Donnie sips loudly on his drink)

Raph: Yeah, why don’t you guys let Mikey dress first? (Mikey shouts: Hey!) Why am I dressing first?

Leo: Don’t be a baby crime boy, Donnie picked out some more.

Raph: God damn it.

(You Got The Goods theme continues to play as Raph puts on several outfits, looking for the approval of his siblings)

Leo: Pass. That’s still a pass. Pass.

Leo, Donnie, Mikey: SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH-

Raph: I’m gonna kill myself-

Leo: Great! Now instead of wasting time, we can go-

Raph: Do we really gotta go? I kinda don’t wanna…

Leo: Fine then!

(Leo picks up a shirt)

Leo: Let’s all get dressed!

Raph: (Autotuned) Are you serious?!

(You Got The Goods theme continues as Leo puts on several—mostly unserious—outfits, looking for the approval of his siblings)

Raph: (Sounds of disapproval)

Raph, Donnie, Mikey: \*Laughter\*

Donnie: \*Wooing\*

Raph: Bad memories.

(Leo’s final outfit is revealed)

Donnie: Wow, I am not high enough for this.

Raph: Slay king!

Donnie: Yeah! \*Coughing\* You’re next, orange.

Mikey: My boss would kill me if I-

(The song cuts her off as she montages her outfits)

Nixzria: Underaged character. Underaged character.

(The songs stops as her final outfit is revealed)

Mikey: Damn it! If I keep this up, I’m gonna get fired! Wait, no, I’ll get assasined! [sic]

Raph: Fired? From where? Who’s your boss?

Mikey: I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.

Raph: Come to think of it, why are we even dressin’ up?

(Transitions to earlier that day, the boys playing a video game as Mikey watches them)

Donnie: \*Groans\* Raph, you know I’m busy!

Raph: And I have a trial today and I’m missing it!

(Leo charges in)

Leo: Hermanos! Men! My cult’s about to expand beyond Christianity! Four haunted piece from the— wait for it, wait for it… (singing) Cultist Town House!

Raph: The Cultist what-what?

Leo: The CTH, the Cultist Town House is having an event for gathering cult members, and today is the only day I can expand my powerful cult by erforming a- (he breathes in) business ritual!

Leo: \*Laughs\* Nothing, those papers aren’t cursed!

(Transitions back to current time)

Leo: \*Chuckles\* funne paper— oh hey Raph, did you know these papers were cursed?

Raph: \*Nervously laughs\* Nope!

Mikey: This is ridiculous! If we were going to a ritual, shouldn’t we be dressed in…

All turtles: Cult clothes! (Donnie coughs)

(You’re so good plays as the turtles montage putting on black suits)

Leo: Cult dance!

Donnie: \*Coughs\* Damn baby, I would sacrifice myself! Time to post this to my OnlyDrugs™ account- wait never mind, I’m banned.

Leo: Woah, hold up.

Donnie: What is it Leo?

Leo: My hair looks terrible in these photos, why didn’t you tell me to fix it?

(Donnie hits Leo with a chancleta)

Leo: OW!

Donnie: I’m as high as a bird yet I know you don’t have hair.

(Transitions to when they were at the CTH)

Donnie: Alright guys say: "four single hot turtles ready to bang in your area"! Sick. Leo your hair looks awful in this.

Leo: Ooh man! I can’t wait to summon worshiping peasants to consume my cult!

(Mikey waves at the camera and giggles, but notices Hypno sneaking around the corner)

Raph: Wait, isn’t that my shawty? I didn’t know she was into cults.

Leo: Perfect! I can persuade him to join my cult!

Mikey: Uh, what’s your cult even about?

(Eerie church organs play)

Leo: In my cult, I’m regarded as "The Messenger". Each day we sacrifice an innocent soul for our Father God! Sometimes, he allows us to feast upon the remains of the departed sacrifice!

Raph: I’ve met people more sane than you in jail!

(Transitions back to the present)

Leo: I feel like I’m getting déjà vu. I should ask my Father God for guidance.

Mikey: Man, these clothes are getting tight.

Donnie: \*Awkwardly laughs\* Let me get those for you, \*more laughter\* I’m a pedophile!

("You’re so good" starting playing but abruptly stops)

Raph: No! You’re a drug addict, not a pedophile! I would know, I’ve killed many.

Leo: My cult sacrifices murderers.

Donnie: Isn’t Raph a murderer?

Raph: Guys, don’t talk about my past.

(Switches to moments before they were attacked)

Raph: Seeing my shawty made me real proud about my past!

Leo: Then why is he avoiding you?

Donnie: Sexual assault charges... and domestic abuse.

Hypno: \*Scurries past the turtles\*

All turtles: Huh?!

Mikey: It’s the assassin!

(Hidden door anticlimactically slides opens)

Leo: Woo! Government secret base!

Raph: I already told you, my girlfriend doesn’t work for the government!

All turtles: \*Notice the looming dark shadow, turn around and scream\*

(Transitions back to current affairs)

Raph: That’s it! A government spy must be after me! I wonder… (he pinches Mikey)

Mikey: Ow!

Raph: Nope, you’re too weak.

Leo: Pretty sure the government would be hunting me down, not you with your wack-o girlfriend.

Raph: He’s my ex-boyfriend, where’d you get girlfriend from?

Donnie: \*Dances\*

Raph: Are you dancing?!

Donnie: (Singing) I snorted so much cocaina!

Mikey: Wait, cocaina? You have cocaine? I need cocaine for this mission!Leo: That still doesn’t explain why we’re not at the CTH.

Donnie: I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22, when I tell you, I don’t have a clue, what the hell is going on!

Mikey: That’s good to know and all, but I really need to figure out where you’re hiding that stash of cocaine, or else I’ll never finish this mission! Do you know what they do to people who don’t finish their missions!

Leo: You said something about assassinate?

Mikey: Correct! Now let’s find that stash of cocaine before Donnie gets sober!

Raph: (In the background) Why are we naked?

Mikey: Then afterwards, we will commence the business ritual!

(You got the goods starts playing as the turtles do another montage of putting on outfits)

Raph: O–kay, I am involuntary dressing myself.

Mikey: I’m too young to die!

Raph: What correlation does death have with clothes?

Donnie: Say that to the man you strangled back in 1987.

Leo: 1987?

(Leo turns around to face the boombox playing "You got the goods", the turtles noticing the trap set by him, and Hypno jump-scaring them)

Donnie: \*Coughing\*

Raph: \*Screaming\*

Leo: It’s the devil! Kill it with holy water!

Mikey: Kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it!

(The boombox breaks and the turtles exit the trap)

Mikey: Woo, baby! I won’t get fired!

(Intro/outro music plays while sped up)