The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 1991

## Introduction

*Todd lets out an exasperated sigh. Screen shots of various tweets requesting...*

**Todd (VO)**: *[mocking] Todd, why don't you do another Top 10 list? Hey, you should do another Top 10 list. Do another Top 10 list.*

**Todd**: Fine! *[reaches down, picks up his pile of lists, and leafs through]* You know these things are, like, a ton of work, right? I have to do, like, tons of research and editing and...you don't wanna hear it. *[finds a suitable list and puts the rest down]* Anyway.

*Todd plays "It Ain't Over 'til It's Over" by Lenny Kravitz on his piano.*

***THE WORST HIT SONGS OF 1991
A year-end review***

**Todd**: Y'all ready for this?

*Brief clip of 2 Unlimited - "Get Ready for This"*
Well, *I'm* not!

*Video for C+C Music Factory - "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)"*
**Martha Wash**: Everybody dance now!
**Todd (VO)**: 1991 is a strange, *strange* year for the pop charts. Not necessarily a *bad* year, but more like an...

**Todd**: ...aborted experiment.

*Montage of clips of Mariah Carey - "Emotions"; Janet Jackson - "Love Will Never Do (Without You)"; LL Cool J - "Around the Way Girl"; Color Me Badd - "I Wanna Sex You Up"; Extreme - "More Than Words"; R.E.M. - "Losing My Religion"; Prince and the New Power Generation - "Cream" Seal - "Crazy"; DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince - "Summertime"; Divinyls - "I Touch Myself"; Chris Isaak - "Wicked Game"; EMF - "Unbelievable"; Poison - "Something to Believe In"; Wilson Phillips - "Impulsive"; Deee-Lite - "Groove Is in the Heart"; Paula Abdul - "Rush Rush"; Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch featuring Loleatta Holloway - "Good Vibrations"; and Nelson - "After the Rain"; audio is Jesus Jones - "Right Here, Right Now"*
**Todd (VO)**: Historians call the 20th century the "short century" because every important trend in it seemed to end abruptly with the end of the Cold War in this particular year, 1991. And that's the way this pop chart feels—it's a premature ending instead of a beginning. Except for a few future heavyweights like Boyz II Men and R.E.M., the pop charts of 1991 are littered by artists with no future, be they novelties from short-lived genres, the remaining dregs of hair metal, the soon-to-be eradicated plague of adult contemporary, and a surprisingly large number of no-name Paula Abdul wannabes. 90% of this 1991 list will be has-beens by '92.

**Todd**: And so, let us examine this year in music that time forgot. We're counting down...

*Clip of C+C Music Factory - "Here We Go", which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown.*
**C+C**: Here we go
Here we go
**Todd**: ***The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 1991!***

## #10

**Todd (VO**: #10.

*Clip of Bell Biv DeVoe - "Poison"*
**Ricky**: *[as Todd gets down]* Girl, I must warn you
Never trust a big butt and smile
That girl is poison
**Todd (VO)**: While pretty much every trend of the early '90s now seems horribly dated, the hip-hop-influenced R&B genre called new jack swing now seems...

**Todd**: ...*wonderfully* dated.

*Clip of Boyz II Men - "Motownphilly"*
**Boyz**: Motownphilly's back again
**Todd (VO)**: This is retro in the best way, and I don't know why it hasn't made a comeback yet, but I'm sure it will. The tunes are slammin', the bass is jammin', not too hot, not too cold. Really, who doesn't like this stuff?

**Todd**: *[as the song begins]* So, let me say that I really, *really* struggled with putting a song with one of those classic early '90s grooves under it. I don't want something like that to be on this list, but there was this one song that...that I just couldn't get past for...for some reason, and...well, see if you can see the problem.

*Video for...*
**RoRo**: Iesha, Iesha
So glad to meet ya
See you in the schoolyard
Strolling with your teacher
The little skirt you played
**Todd**: Why am I watching a group of dancing fetuses?

***#10. Another Bad Creation - "Iesha"***

**Red**: At the playground, you know
That's where I saw this cutie
This girl was swingin'
And she looked so fly
**Todd (VO)**: In 1990, Michael Bivins from New Edition put his clout behind a new singing group that he discovered in *[picture of...]* a maternity ward somewhere. *[promo pic of...]* He named them Another Bad Creation, which is truth in advertising, if I ever heard it.

**ABC**: Iesha
You are the girl that I neva had
They were clearly trying to make people think they were the new Jackson 5, especially as they picked a name with the initials *[single cover of the Jackson 5's...]* "ABC." But even if they genuinely had discovered a Michael Jackson level of talent...

**Todd**: ...which they didn't...

**Red**: She couldn't stay out that late
Her mother told her
To be home by nine
**Todd**: Auto-Tune can't come quickly enough. But even if they were child prodigies so amazing that they made *[brief clips of a young...]* Michael Jackson look like David After Dentist, the Jackson 5 made sunny, bubblegum pop, not *this* style of music.

*Brief clip of Bell Biv DeVoe - "Do Me!"*
**Todd (VO)**: Which does not really lend itself to being performed by preschoolers.

**RoRo**: So I passed her a lollipop and a letter
I know Michael Jackson was a little kid and you knew he was a little kid, but he didn't call attention to it, and neither did most others. New Edition didn't, the Osmonds didn't, but Bebe's Kids here want you to know their age.

**ABC**: Yo, Red, where'd you meet her?
**Red**: At the playground, you know
**ABC**: We ate cereal
**Red**: On the monkey bars
**Todd**: Kid, you're not interested in girls. I know you're not interested in girls. You haven't even finished teething.

**Todd (VO)**: I wanna say here, I'm not opposed to pop songs by little kids on principle. I still think *[clip of "Jump" by...]* Kris Kross are the miggida miggida mac daddies. And for the record, people forget that this very song is a diss track *to* Another Bad Creation.

**Mac**: Don't try to compare us to Another Bad little fad
**Todd**: Exactly.

**Todd (VO)**: Another Bad Creation were wiggida-wiggida-whack. They were a stupid little fad, not like Kris Kross.

**Todd**: They're gonna be around forever!

**Todd (VO)**: And like I said, otherwise, the tune is good, but it's also a ripoff of *[single cover of...]* "Poison." I don't need a *Rugrats* re-write of "Poison."

**Todd**: Nowadays, we just cut out the middleman and have the kids *[album cover of* Kidz Bop 21*]* cover the songs directly. And really, aren't we all better off for it?

**ABC**: Peace
*Interlude*

#9
--

**Todd (VO)**: #9.

*Video for...*
**Todd**: Oh, boy. You again.

***#9. Gerardo - "Rico Suave"***

**Gerardo**: Rico...Suave
**Todd (VO)**: Gerardo did for Latinos what *[still image from* Sixteen Candles *of...]* Long Duk Dong did for Asians. Matter of fact, I would argue that *[image of...]* Speedy Gonzales was a hotter sex symbol than Gerardo.

**Todd**: No, seriously, Speedy was a pimp. *[brief clip of Speedy rowing a boat with beautiful female mouse]* I actually saw him get with the ladies, he didn't have to brag about anything. This guy?

**Gerardo**: Would you rather have me lie
Take a piece of your pie and say bye
Or be honest and rub your thighs?
**Todd (VO)**: Gerardo *claims* that ladies love him, but the only moves he seems to know are rubbing your thighs and puking.

**Gerardo**: If I try that I'll be puking
**Todd**: Smooth as butter...if that butter had gravel and broken glass mixed into it.

**Gerardo**: I never said I was a prompt date
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, Gerardo should've picked up moves from Speedy. The only thing he seemed to learn from him was how to speak in the exact same tone of voice.

**Gerardo**: There's not a woman that can handle a man like me
That's why I juggle two or three
Yeah, it's hard to sell that you're a sexy lover-man when your voice is...

**Todd**: ...comparable to a cartoon mouse.

**Todd (VO)**: I already did a full episode on this weasel-faced idiot. You can go watch that if you want a full review, but there is one thing that I missed that I want to bring up.

**Todd**: He's not actually Latino.

**Todd (VO)**: His name is *[image of some guy]* Gregory Michaels, and he was born and raised in Erie, Pennsylvania. I mean, you think that any *real* Latino would be caught representing his people by dressing and acting like *that?* *[laughs]* Right. Next you'll tell me that you think the Indian chief *[image of...]* from the Village People was a real Indian.

**Todd**: Quit being so naïve.

**Gerardo**: Suave
*Interlude*

#8
--

**Todd (VO)**: #8.

**Todd**: Oh...I'm about to do a bad thing. Bad, bad thing.

*Clip of Whitney Houston - "The Greatest Love of All"*
**Whitney Houston**: I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them...
**Todd (VO)**: It's, um...generally considered bad taste to speak ill of the dead, especially someone whose life story is basically just very sad and tragic and is still being mourned by so very many people. Feels a little like sacrilege to suggest that, even during her peak years, Whitney Houston was squandering her talents on terrible, middle-of-the-road schlock.

**Todd**: Even though that was the prevailing wisdom for years.

*Video for "Didn't We Almost Have It All"*
**Todd (VO)**: Look, she did make a lot of good music. A lot of fun dance pop, a lot of very powerful love songs, she was quite talented.

**Todd**: But she had limits.

***#8. Whitney Houston - "I'm Your Baby Tonight"***

**Todd (VO)**: This was a huge hit at the time; I don't know if it's still considered in the higher echelon of Whitney's songs. I don't think so, but that might be because I hate it so much.

**Whitney**: Whatever you want from me
I'm giving you everything
I'm your baby tonight
This isn't a laughably stupid song like "Rico Suave," so you're gonna have to wait 'til I try and articulate why I don't like it so much. Look, from what I can understand, "I'm Your Baby Tonight" was Whitney trying to regain some R&B cred after becoming mostly known for soft ballads.

**Todd**: And...it does not work.

**Whitney**: Hold on and enjoy the ride
**Todd (VO)**: It does not work at all. Whitney Houston was Whitney Houston, *[brief clip of "Nasty" by...]* not Janet Jackson.

**Todd**: When you think Whitney Houston, you think sheer, raw power.

*Footage of a Howitzer being fired and a nuclear blast, backed by...*
**Whitney**: And I....
**Todd**: But this?

**Whitney**: Whatever, whatever
**Todd (VO)**: It's a waste of Whitney. Whitney was so good at ballads because they gave her space to breathe. This...doesn't. It's just that farting synthesizer blaring over everything. And Whitney Houston just was not loose enough to do something with this. Michael Jackson could rise above it, and Aretha or Tina, they had that edge to their voices, that they could make themselves known. Whitney? Whitney is still just perfect little Whitney. I buy this as much as Celine Dion trying to cover "Anaconda." She's just too nice and too clean and too innocent to pull it off. No one buys sexy, bad girl Whitney.

**Todd**: Yes, I know all of these criticisms sound hilarious in hindsight.

**Todd (VO)**: 'Cause we all know what happened to her. Eventually, she did get her bad girl cred in *[tabloid article: "Inside Whitney's Drug Den!"]* the worst way possible. Look, apparently, behind the scenes, she may have been Amy Winehouse, but on record, she was Debby Boone. This was terrible at the time, it's terrible now.

**Todd**: Ugh, such a waste, I can't even talk about this anymore.

*Video ends*
*Interlude*

#7
--

**Todd (VO)**: #7.

*Clip of UB40 - "Red Red Wine"*
**Ali Campbell**: Red, red wine
**Todd**: I don't know if this is controversial or what, but I think UB40 are just an atrocity of a band.

*Clip of "Can't Help Falling in Love"*

**Todd (VO)**: What Michael Bolton did for R&B, UB40 did for reggae. What Michael Bolton did for R&B, UB40 also did for R&B because UB40 just *loved* ruining classic oldies. And for the worst example...

**Todd**: ...I give you this.

***#7. UB40 - "The Way You Do the Things You Do"***

**Ali**: You got a smile so bright
You know you could have been a candle
**Todd (VO)**: If it were up to me, it wouldn't be *[picture of...]* Vanilla Ice who was the standard-bearer for white people ruining black music, it would be these guys. Yeah, they had quite a few black members, you get my point. I think this may be my least favorite UB40 song ever, but I don't think it's especially noteworthy in their catalog. It sucks in exactly the same way as all other UB40 songs suck. I mean, the only major difference is how vast the gulf is...

**Todd**: ...between the original version and this one.

*Clip of the Temptations performing the original*
**Temptations**: You got a smile so bright
You know you could've been a candle
*[Todd snaps along]*
I'm holding you so...
The way you do the things you do
**Ali**: As pretty as you are
You know you could've been a flower
*[Todd can't snap to it]*
If good looks were minutes
**Ali**: The way you do the things you do
All right
**Todd**: All right?

**Todd (VO)**: I mean, you hear the difference, right? Isn't reggae supposed to be soulful? Loose? I mean, they've got a full band there, I can see them. How do they sound so much like a hotel lounge singer performing with a drum machine. *[Pictures of...]* MAGIC! is better than this, Snow made better reggae than this.

**Todd**: Elton John made better reggae than this.

*Clip of Elton John performance with "Jamaica Jerk-Off" dubbed over*
**Elton John**: We're all happy in Jamaica
Do Jamaica Jerk-off that way
**Todd**: Ugh.

**Todd (VO)**: More than anything, I think the blame for their eternal suckiness is lead singer Ali Campbell, who has all the stage presence of wet phlegm.

**Ali**: And baby you're so smart
Every single song, the dude sounded like he was dying. And yet, he seemed to believe that songs made famous by some of the greatest vocalists in history—Al Green, Dusty Springfield, Elvis Presley—would sound better if it was served by his dead, dead whine.

**Todd**: Look, bottom line: most reggae is stuff you can get stoned to. UB40 is stuff to fall asleep on a pool chair after eating too much lunch to. Next.

*Video ends*
*Interlude*

#6
--

**Todd (VO)**: #6.

**Todd**: Look, making these Top 10 lists is hard, hard work. So I hope you'll forgive me if I take the lazy route and punch on an easy target for a little bit.

*Video for...*
**Voice**: Yo Vanilla, kick it one time, boy...
**Todd**: You knew it was coming. Play that not even remotely funky music, white boy...

***#6. Vanilla Ice - "Play That Funky Music"***

**Backup**: Play that funky music, Vanilla Ice
Play that funky music
Get on up, get on up
Play that funky music right
**Vanilla Ice**: Pump it up!
**Todd (VO)**: Vanilla Ice has spent two and a half decades as a walking punchline, so you kind of forget how genuinely famous and successful Vanilla Ice was in his prime. He wasn't a novelty, he was one of the biggest names in music. And this is amazing, because even after you peel off the years of jokes and stupid hair and "Ninja Raps", he was still incredibly bad. Just like the worst thing ever in the history of mankind. Vanilla Ice...

**Todd**: ...is worse than the Nazis! *[beat]* Oh, okay, that's probably over the line. I'm sorry. I shouldn't go comparing the guy to Nazis.

**Vanilla Ice**: Now you're amazed by the VIP posse
Steppin' so hard like a German Nazi
*Todd knows he spoke too soon*

*Video for "Ice Ice Baby"*
**Todd (VO)**: Seriously, if you go back and listen to his biggest hit, "Ice Ice Baby," you will be shocked at how bad the Iceman's rhymes were.

**Vanilla Ice**: 'Cause my style's like a chemical spill
**Todd**: Indeed it was. His style was a toxic disaster.

**Todd (VO)**: "Play That Funky Music's" rhymes are not *as* stupid, but "Ice Ice Baby" is still probably the better song because it at least still has that bass line. His follow-up also samples a song with a great bass line, but somehow he decided it should be barely audible. All the better to keep his focus on his sneering, nasally voice.

**Vanilla Ice**: Check it out, 'cause Ice is rhymin'
**Todd**: Yeah, like a preschooler. Not rapping, just rhyming.

**Vanilla Ice**: "Go, Ice," everybody is sayin'
To the funky beat that's playin'
**Todd (VO)**: I realize it was the early '90s and rap was a little less complex than it is now, but even so, Vanilla Ice's flow was pathetically awful.

**Vanilla Ice**: Yo, take it from the Iceman
Lyrical poet with a master plan
Tellin' ya how it is in showbiz
A white rapper with some street knowledge
**Todd**: Amazing, not even remotely on the beat. I've heard smoother rhymes from '80s cartoon characters.

*Clip from* Transformers: The Movie
**Wheelie**: Friend find, look behind
You go wrong way, you fool I say
*Clip of Wild Cherry performance*
**Todd (VO)**: And it's tragic, because the original "Play That Funky Music" is indeed one of my favorite songs.

**Vanilla Ice**: So come on, everybody and sing this song
Say - Play that funky music
**Backup**: Play that funky music
**Vanilla Ice**: Say "go white boy, go white boy go!"
**Backup**: Go, white boy! Go, white boy! Go!
I guess that's a lesson. Even when white people *don't* ruin black music...

**Todd**: ...white people will still ruin it.

**Vanilla Ice**: That's right, baby
*Interlude*

#5
--

**Todd (VO)**: #5

***#5. Timmy T - "One More Try"***

**Timmy T**: One more try, I didn't know how much I loved you.
One more try, let me put my arms around you.
**Todd**: *[in a state of disbelief]* W...what is this?

**Timmy**: It's been a long time since you left me.
**Todd**: I...um...I-I-I tend to think I'm a pretty knowledgeable guy about music, but I have literally no idea what I'm looking at here. I don't know the singer, I don't know the song. I've never heard this, or anything remotely... like it, like...Anybody? Anyone have any idea what the hell this is?

**Timmy**: It's been a long time since I've kissed you.
**Todd (VO)**: Even AllMusic.com, the most comprehensive resource on popular music in existence, *[shot of Timmy T's very small AllMusic profile]* gives me close to nothing, except that...

**Todd**: ...this was apparently a #1 hit!

**Todd (VO)**: This was a #1 hit? That can't be right. This can't have been big enough to hit #1. I've never heard of it! How has history so thoroughly erased this?

**Timmy**: Living all these lonely nights without you.
Uh, I'm a little stymied, I've got nothing. This is just shitty in a...pretty non-specific way. I-I think I'm just gonna move on here. Next!

**Timmy**: Can we give it one more try?
*Interlude*

#4
--

**Todd (VO)**: #4.

***#4. Stevie B - "Because I Love You (The Postman Song)"***

**Stevie B**: Because I love you and I'll do anything
**Todd**: *[still in disbelief]* Wha...?

**Stevie**: I got your letter
From the postman just the other day
**Todd (VO)**: Is this not the same song as the *last* one? Like...ju...just with the drums removed? This is...I've never heard of this guy or this song either! And again, AllMusic almost tells me nothing except that this was *also* a #1 hit!

**Todd**: How?!

**Stevie**: Girl, won't you please come on in
**Todd (VO)**: Like, I...I could buy one...

**Todd**: ...but how are there *two*...

*Brief clip of "One More Try"*
**Todd (VO)**: ...completely different #1 songs that I've never heard of, from artists I've never heard of, with similar voices and similar names?! *[respective album covers for* Time After Time *and* Best of *by...]* Timmy T? Stevie B?

**Todd**: They have names like the fake people who give testimonials in *[image of faces in ACE ad]* diet pill ads.

**Todd (VO)**: I...I guess these guys *must* be real people, but why were they popular? These were both garbage.

**Todd**: I think people might have bought...

*Another clip of "One More Try"*
**Todd (VO)**: ...this guy's single because they confused the *[single covers of Timmy T's...]* ballad named "One More Try" with a much *[...and George Michael's...]* better ballad named "One More Try" from a much better singer.

And...the other one is called *[single cover for...]* "Because I Love You (The Postman Song)." I...I don't even know why it's called that. He only mentions the postman once right in the beginning, and that's it. I think he was trying to trick people into thinking this song might be interesting.

**Todd**: "The Postman Song"? Like, ooh, is it like *[single cover of the Marvelettes'...]* "Please Mr. Postman," like he's begging his postman to bring his girlfriend's letters? Or is he *[picture of....]* a postman in love? *[Picture of "I ♥ My Mailman" t-shirt]* Is he in love *with* his postman? *[Shot of mailmen firing guns from* Naked Gun 33 1/3*]* Is he sad because his girl got shot by a disgruntled postman? Nope, nothing.

**Todd (VO)**: AllMusic tells me they were both guys in the Latin freestyle genre.

**Todd**: Which, as I recall, sounds more like this. *[Brief clip of Shannon - "Let the Music Play"]* So...I don't know what these two doofs have to with that. Also, they both can't sing.

**Stevie**: And I'll do anything
**Todd (VO)**: Notice how they have the reverb effect all the way up? Yeah, that's the same trick karaoke machines use to try and help even the most inept twerp sound like they can sing. *[respective clips of...]* Trying to tell the two apart, I guess Timmy B's has the better music, but Stevie T is the better singer.

**Todd**: No, no, hold on, it's Timmy *T* and Stevie *B*. *[shrugs it off]* Look, there's not any real difference between...

**Todd (VO)**: ...the two. It's basically a tie, they're both equally shitty.

*Video ends*
*Interlude*

#3
--

**Todd (VO)**: #3.

**Todd**: I used to watch a lot of VH1 back when VH1 was still watchable, and they always liked to show the *ooh, Most Shocking Moments in Music*, *Sexiest Moments in Rock 'n Roll*. I was just a kid back then, so I think for a while, I got the impression that grownups were turned on by shitty music.

***#3. Madonna - "Justify My Love"***

**Todd (VO)**: As I think I've made clear in the film retrospective of her I'm doing, I'm not really a fan of Madonna's non-musical projects.

**Todd**: And I can't think of any project more non-musical than this one.

**Madonna**: You justify my love
**Todd (VO)**: To even call "Justify My Love" a song is being generous. It's safer to call it part of an experiment Madonna was conducting at the time, to see if people would literally buy any piece of dog crap that involved her being naked in some way. And the public responded with a resounding "yes," as "Justify My Love" went #1, despite basically not being a finished product in any way.

**Madonna**: Kiss me, that's right
This was actually written by *[image of...]* Lenny Kravitz for what has to be the easiest million dollars anybody has ever made. It's two notes and a string of random, non-rhyming sentences.

**Todd**: I'm sorry, a string of *[in sultry voice] deep, erotic fantasies.*

**Madonna**: I want to run naked in a rainstorm
Make love in a train cross-country
**Todd**: *I want to stick my toes in your mouth. I want to eat chili off your naked body.*

**Todd (VO)**: On VH1, all they ever talked about was the video, never about the song, and for pretty obvious reasons. Basically, it doesn't exist. The lyrics aren't even that sexy.

**Madonna**: Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another
**Todd**: Um, permission is pretty important, in my opinion. Forget justifying my love, justify that sentence.

**Madonna**: Poor is the man
**Todd (VO)**: Well, I must be the richest man on Earth because all of my pleasures don't even involve another person...

**Todd**: ...and haven't for years. *[gives a thumbs up]*

**Todd (VO)**: Because we're all suckers, Madonna's experiment worked like a charm, racking up yet another #1 hit for what's basically the soundtrack to a bad porno. This trick would only work for a little while longer, though, as the public started to experience shock fatigue. Eventually, the world runs out of monocles to pop. In my opinion, "Justify My Love"...

**Todd**: ...doesn't justify its existence. Next!

*Interlude*

#2
--

**Todd (VO)**: #2.

**Todd**: You want to know how much of a stranglehold adult contemporary music had on the charts back then? *[brief clips of "The Motown Song"* *and "Time, Love and Tenderness"* *by, respectively...]* You know, the Rod Stewarts, the Michael Boltons. That genre was so big, there was an actual contemporary Christian artist on that list.

*Clip of Amy Grant - "Every Heartbeat"*
**Amy**: Every heartbeat bears your name
**Todd**: A couple, actually.

*Clip of Michael W. Smith - "Place in This World"*
**Michael**: I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
**Todd (VO)**: Yes, 1991 was so bland that Christian artists could cross over to the mainstream.

**Todd**: Look, I know I've said some harsh things about this genre before, but I...I want to make clear, it's mostly for aesthetic reasons, not because I dislike religious music on principle.

**Todd (VO)**: The sound of this music, the sound of this guy's voice makes my skin crawl, but I don't hate it just because it's Christian...or quasi-Christian. Wanting guidance to find your place in this world from God or...from whoever, I don't...I don't think that's a bad idea for a song at all. I think that's quite a nice sentiment. Believe me, if I'm offended by a religious message...

**Todd**: ...I will tell you.

***#2. Bette Midler - "From a Distance"***

**Bette Midler**: From a distance, the world looks blue...
**Todd (VO)**: Since the dawn of time, there's been one question that philosophers and religious scholars have struggled with.

**Todd**: Why do bad things happen to good people?

**Bette**: God is watching us
**Todd (VO)**: Why does God allow such awful, seemingly pointless tragedies like war and famine and death to befall so many? Doesn't God care what happens to us? And Bette Midler's "From a Distance" answers that question pretty definitively.

**Todd**: No! No, He doesn't.

**Bette**: From a distance, there is harmony
**Todd (VO)**: I swear, I'm not twisting the message of this song. That's exactly what it's about. If you zoom out, everything looks calm and peaceful.

**Bette**: And there are no guns
No bombs and no disease
Yep. So there's your answer. Why does God let all these terrible things happen?

**Todd**: 'Cause He doesn't know about 'em.

**Todd (VO)**: Turns out, from the Almighty's perspective, everything is peachy keen because He is simply not looking very closely.

**Todd**: From a distance, your problems don't exist. *You* don't exist. Isn't that comforting? *[shrugs]*

**Bette**: God is watching us from a distance
**Todd (VO)**: I...I've always just been baffled by why people find this song uplifting, why it meant so much to people back then. I've only ever found it horrifying. There's nothing in there about God loving us or caring about us or even knowing about us.

**Todd**: They may as well name the song "God Is Deeply Uninformed of Your Current Situation."

**Todd (VO)**: Look, if there is a God up there, I refuse to believe He is as either apathetic or bored with us as He seems to be in this song.

**Todd**: I mean, I hope. *[folds his hands and prays]* Are you there, God? It's me, Todd. You listen to me, right? You care about my problems, we have a relationship, right?

*A heavenly choir sings*

**God**: Todd, I'll be honest. From up here, you basically matter as much as an amoeba. Sorry.

**Todd**: But I saw, on the beach, there were two sets of footprints because you were with me, but during my hard times in my life, there was only one set, and that's when you carried me...

**God**: That wasn't Me. I don't know whose that other set of footprints was. Some guy, I guess. Now go away, I'm busy.

*Todd hangs his head*

**Bette**: God is watching us from a distance
*Interlude*

#1
--

**Todd (VO)**: #1.

*Clip of Michael Bolton - "Time, Love and Tenderness"*
**Michael Bolton (with backup)**: Time, love and tenderness
**Todd (VO)**: You know, I've already slammed Michael Bolton several times in this review, but with the full-on charm offensive he's waged in recent years, maybe it's time to re-evaluate the guy.

*Clip of "Love Is a Wonderful Thing"*
**Michael**: Love is a wonderful thing
There was a time when calling Michael Bolton a no-talent ass-clown was the least controversial statement in history, but why? Probably because unlike other soft-rock gods like Sting or Phil Collins, he never had a good period. He doesn't have any undeniable quality tracks that everyone loves that would count in his favor.

*Video for "When a Man Loves a Woman"*
**Todd (VO)**: But because he shows up several times on the Hot 100 this year, I've had the chance to re-look at him, and...was he *really* that bad? Well, he certainly wasn't great, but now that I've had the chance to listen to the many songs he notched on this list...

**Todd**: ...my answer is...no. Fight the real enemy.

***#1. Bryan Adams - "Everything I Do (I Do It for You)"***

**Bryan Adams**: Look into my eyes
**Todd (VO)**: I feel like we've all collectively decided to give Bryan Adams a pass because he made "Summer of 69," and that was a good song that everyone likes, right? So we all decided to just move on and forget everything else he ever wrote. But...pretty much everything he wrote after that song was terrible! And then there's this turd—the biggest song of Bryan Adams' career, the biggest song of 1991, and one of the most wretched, unbearable turds that I can remember!

**Bryan**: You know it's true
Everything I do
I do it for you
I can't even put my finger on why. Is it his watered-down Springsteen voice, the sappy music production? Honestly, I think more than anything, it's the intolerable blandness of the lyrics. *Everything I do, I do it for you.* Everything? Eat lunch? Go bowling? Watch reruns of *M\*A\*S\*H*? It's a meaningless statement. And silly love songs don't need *great* lyrics, but even lowering my standards, this is too vapid for words.

**Todd**: He may as well have named this song "I Super-Duper Love You More Than Infinity." It's not true, and if it was, it wouldn't be healthy.

**Todd (VO)**: Because I have two functioning ears, I've done my best to avoid Bryan Adams' music, so I don't actually know that much about the guy. So again...

**Todd**: *[picks up laptop]* ...let me see what they say on the AllMusicGuide. Finest resource a music lover has ever had. And um...

*Shot of AllMusic search results page: No search results were found for bryan adams*
What the...what? Why is there no Bryan Adams entry? How could the...AllMusic has everything. It has information on *[album cover for Bobbi Humphrey -* Passion Flute*]* obscure '70s smooth jazz flute players. *[more searching...]* What the...how...

*AllMusic tweet: "Due to the request of Mr. Adams, we no longer display his information on AllMusic."*
**Todd**: *[beat]* Are you shitting me?

**Todd (VO)**: He threatened to sue AllMusic.com unless every bit of information about him was erased. They're a reference publication. *[*World News *article: Guys named John sue Webster's over definition of "toilet"]* That's like suing the dictionary. They didn't have to just delete negative reviews, they can't even list basic information like his name or his albums.

**Bryan**: There's no love like your love
Rock stars have been assholes since the dawn of time, but I have never heard of an artist using their power to bully critics into erasing reviews! This offends me on a level I didn't even realize I was capable of!

**Todd**: Fuck you, Bryan Adams, you censoring dick! Fuck you and fuck all of Canada too!

*Clip from* South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
**Canadian**: Now, now, the Canadian government has apologized for Bryan Adams on several occasions.
**Todd**: Not good enough! And *Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves* is a terrible movie! I'm Todd In The Shadows, and I'm done!

*Gets up and leaves*
**Bryan**: Do it for you
*Closing Tag Song: Chesney Hawkes - "The One and Only"*

***THE END
You down with O.P.P?
This video is owned by me***

***THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!***

## Footnotes

1. ↑ #36 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
2. ↑ Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #38 during the year.
3. ↑ #3 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
4. ↑ #22 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
5. ↑ #19 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
6. ↑ #64 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
7. ↑ #2 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
8. ↑ #7 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
9. ↑ #33 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
10. ↑ #66 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
11. ↑ #75 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
12. ↑ #38 Billboard Year-End Hot 100
13. ↑ #52 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
14. ↑ #79 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
15. ↑ #6 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
16. ↑ #78 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
17. ↑ #48 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
18. ↑ #91 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
19. ↑ #4 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
20. ↑ #20 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
21. ↑ #56 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
22. ↑ #17 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
23. ↑ #35 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
24. ↑ #11 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
25. ↑ #54 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
26. ↑ #89 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
27. ↑ #42 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
28. ↑ #71 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
29. ↑ #57 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
30. ↑ #5 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
31. ↑ #12 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
32. ↑ #21 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
33. ↑ #99 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
34. ↑ #62 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
35. ↑ #28 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
36. ↑ #77 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
37. ↑ #15 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
38. ↑ #49 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
39. ↑ #54 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 of 1992
40. ↑ #1 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
41. ↑ #93 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
42. ↑ #94 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100