Fake TPOT 44: Cherries & CAT Scans

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
"**Cherries & CAT Scans**" is the non-canon forty-fourth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 28 September 1988. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known as "**The CAT Scan**" and "**Conte-Stant and Deliver**".

Author's note from the future: This is the only *Fake TPOT* episode that was exclusively worked on while I was living in the UK. Go figure.

Description if this were on YouTube:

It's another one of those thought-provoking questions, but if you could turn back time and live the life you've always wanted, would you do it? Of course, that doesn't apply to events you can't control, as this handful of contestants will soon find out in this very special (not to mention mind-blowing) challenge of THE POWER OF TWO!!

Previous episode: "Ten Is Enough"

Next episode: "A'ight Told You So"

## Cold open

### **Tew's Market**

**Scene**Various views of the interior of a very '80s-looking supermarket. It appears to be Two-themed, as their likeness appears nearly everywhere in the building. Zoom in on three of the shoppers: **Orpha**, **Kosrae** and **Lisa** (the relations of the contestants), who provide the totally-not-shoehorned-in exposition. **Pencil**, **Pen** and **Soniri** (riding in the seat of the shopping trolley) can be seen in the background.

* **O****r****p****h****a**: Isn't this TPOT-themed grocery store the best?
* **Ko****s****r****ae**: It's about time we went here!
* **O****r****p****h****a**: My only issue is with the spelling of the place. *T-E-W*? [*to Lisa, who is playing on her YeFone*] Leece, I know you're young, but even you know there's something wrong with that, don't you think?
* **L****i****s****a**: Meh.

[*Meanwhile, Pencil and Pen are looking for cherries, the only item on their shopping list.*]

* **P****en**: Come on, I thought you said this store was totally rad!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I know, I know. Perhaps coming here was a mistake. People look at you like you're the fittest bloke on the Fove; at the same time I keep getting stares like I've got my old personality back.
* **P****en**: Oh, Penc... Hey, how 'bout you take Sonny, and I ride in the cart seat? You'll look reformed!
* **P****e****nci****l**: You mean matronly, my dear Pen. These seats are meant for children, *young* ones at that.
* **P****en**: I'm young!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, but you're also tall. People might think you're one of those poles they put on trolleys to stop them from being nicked.
* **P****en**: I would love that.
* **P****e****nci****l**: We all have our desires, I suppose. [*to Soniri*] Can you say *desires*, little one? *De... si-res*.

[*Soniri shakes his head* no *at Pencil, though smiling. A few strangers pass by and look at them curiously.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, it's not strange; he hears that word a lot!
* **P****en**: His babysitter has trouble keeping men.

[*The strangers flee.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: We really need to get this kid a first word.
* **P****en**: And cherries.
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Yes*, and cherries. Everybody who isn't Teardrop's had one, right?
* **P****en**: Cherries?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, a first word! We've all got one in our family: mine was *Mummy* and of course Needle's was *don't*.
* **P****en**: My first words were *look at me*.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, I sure hope Soniri says something soon.
* **P****en**: Hold up, Penc, I think he's about to talk!

[*Soniri looks like he's making the "ooh" sound with his mouth. This transitions to the intro, at the end of which Pencil says something off-screen as the image of Two is shown.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: No, it was just nothing.

## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **The Opening**

**Scene****Two** is busy working on something large and mechanical. They are talking to someone over a handless telephone as they hold a spanner (or a wrench). Some Nixefta (eliminated contestants, extras, failed debuters and the like) hang around in the background.
* **Two**: Well. [*Pause.*] Uh-huh. [*Pause.*]

[*As Two speaks, enter* **Pin**.]

* **Two**: Yes, yes, heaven is a place on the Equation Playground. I know.
* **P****i****n**: Um, Two?
* **Two**: Oh, hi, Pin! [*to the phone, forcefully*] Goodbye.

[*Two hangs up.*]

* **Two**: Sorry, Five and I were saying goodbye. It's not as easy as it looks!
* **P****i****n**: So I take it you're handling the whole Five's-being-away-from-you thing well.
* **Two**: Why not? We've spent the last hundred days together before he had to go back to his job. As a graphic designer, he certainly gets a fair amount of holiday time, I can tell you that fifth hand.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah. [*Pause—she looks at her hands.*] Fifth hand? [*Two nods.*] Anyway... what are you doing?
* **Two**: I am sho—

[*Enter* **Coiny**, *who has been taken on a ride with* **⚡**, *the eliminated contestant formerly known as* Lightning*.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Thanks for the ride, Lightning!
* ⚡: Coiny, I told you, my name's ⚡!
* **Co****i****ny**: That's right; you're name's in those YeFone hieroglyphics.
* **Yellow Face**: They're called *yeTziurot*!
* **Co****i****ny**: Groovy. "Yessiree, outside it sure is hot".
* ⚡: Isn't that the truth now. Bye bye!

[*Exit* **⚡***, ironically* *on his rocket ship (instead of flying).* **Yellow Face** *bounces off into the background as well. Silence, before Two continues from where they left off.*]

* **Two**: —wing off my creative skills to build something that will change the lives of everyone!
* **Co****i****ny**: Ooh! What's it do?
* **Two**: It's today's challenge, but we can't start it unless we get through Cake at Stake first. So how about that Cake at Stake?

### **Crescentia Tepe**

**Scene****Two** has gathered the still-in contestants for Cake at Stake. Of those, the contestants up for elimination (**Bok**, **Coiny**, **Pen**, **Pencil**, **Pin** and **Remote**) are seated on the platforms, while those immune (**Black Hole** and **Golf Ball**) are sitting on the Afos together. Well, actually, Black Hole doesn't exactly sit on the sofa; he just hovers over it.
* **Two**: Are all those who need to be here present, and are all those who needn't be here absent?

[*All nod.*]

* **Two**: I suppose Match isn't among you lot—I know she likes to see herself as part of this group.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Are you daft, Two? Who'd be taking care of Soniri if Match were here? Eraser can't handle things on his own!

[*Pen looks at Pencil.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, you know your brother.
* **Two**: [*Aside.*] Ah, that's right; she's been relegated to the rôle of babysitter. [*Aloud.*] Anyway... because their fonts were used on the American Dance Festival poster that a certain somebody made a hundred days ago, Black Hole and Golf Ball are safe! [*to the camera*] And I can say that the twist we danced at said festival was so fabulous that they brought it back into fashion. Thank you, Fat Objects!
* **Co****i****ny**: [*raising his hand*] Ooh, ooh!
* **Two**: What is it, Coiny?
* **Co****i****ny**: How many votes did we get?
* **Two**: We got [*number*]. And Pin is safe with [*number*] of them!

[*Two takes out a notecard.*]

* **P****i****n**: Now, that's radical! Isn't that the most radical thing you've ever heard, guys?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'll let you know when Two calls out my name, yeah?
* **Two**: Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hullo.
* **Two**: You are also safe, with [*number*] votes!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aaah, thank goodness.
* **Two**: And now... [*flips the card*] Pen—
* **P****en**: Haha, am *I* safe, Two?
* **Two**: No, Pen, I was going to announce that the pendolino train is coming to Kenya. /s [*Beat.*] Of course you're safe. Who else has got a name that starts with *pen*?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*raises her hand*] Ò!
* **P****en**: Thanks! But I must tell you my legal name is—ow!

[*As he speaks, Two magics up a couple of small rectangular prisms that look a bit of tissue boxes, and they throw one of them at Pen—it hits him square in the kisser. He doesn't care because the prism is shiny.*]

* **P****en**: H'hoo, this looks nice.
* **Two**: It's your prize! You'll need it for the contest. [*to Pencil and Pin*] Think fast!
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Kay.

[*Two tosses two prisms at Pencil and Pin, and they catch them. Spotlight effect on Remote, Bok and Coiny.*]

* **Two**: Remote is safe too.

[*Two tosses a prism at Remote.*]

* **Two**: And you know what that means, Coiny and Bok.
* **B****o****k**: Unfortunately, I do know what it means, and it's not something you can find in me. We are eliminated. Gone. Sent off. Dispatched. I'm part-thesaurus, by the way.
* **Two**: Yes, that's right. Say your final goodbyes, you two.
* **Co****i****ny**: Come on, Two, it's not like we're going to a tiny confined space where everything is grey!
* **B****o****k**: Yeah, that would be cruel to the max. [*gets off the Tec Pulcussar*] And you know what? I don't think I really have any problems paying rent again.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*getting off with her*] Me neither, 'cause I'm rich! [*to all*] See you guys on the live-river-flowing app thing!
* **B****o****k**: The livestream?
* **Co****i****ny**: Yes, that.

[*Exeunt* **Bok** *and* **Coiny** *to their flats. Pin looks at the two, shocked that she is the last in her family to remain in the competition.*]

* **P****i****n**: Wow.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*elbowing her*] Radical to be safe, innit?

[*Pin looks at Pencil with the same look Pen gave her just a few minutes ago.*]

## Post–Cake at Stake

* **Two**: Now, if you'll excuse me, all, I must get my super secret thingy ready for the contest.

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two**. *All get off the Tec Pulcussar and stand on the grass as Two quickly constructs a house-like building around what they have planned for the challenge.* **Pin** *stands around awkwardly, as she's competing by herself for the first time in years.*]

* **P****i****n**: So...

[*She sees that no one is looking at her.*]

* **P****i****n**: [*sigh*] I didn't think it'd be this hard to form an alliance.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Somebody say alliance?
* **P****i****n**: Y- yeah. Hey, you two seem to be going together.
* **P****en**: We sure are!
* **P****i****n**: Do you think... perhaps maybe *I* can join your alliance? I'd like to have some chance at victory.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And you think that you'll find that here with us.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm afraid we haven't any room for a third in our relationship. I know this sort of thing works out well with some people, but as for me, I'm rather old-fashioned.
* **P****i****n**: Aw.
* **P****en**: Why don't you join Match and Eraser? They're always looking for someone new.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, have you seen the personals lately?
* **P****i****n**: Dear gosh, not Match, I hate her. And just because Coiny's no longer in the game doesn't mean I'm no longer *married*, sheesh!

[*Exeunt* **Pencil** *and* **Pen***.*]

* **P****i****n**: Now I know I'm out on my own.

[*Enter* **Golf Ball**.]

* **Golf Ball**: Actually, I'm still here *and* partnerless.
* **P****i****n**: Just like me!
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, after 27 years in the competition, we finally have one thing in common with each other.
* **P****i****n**: Then how about we form an alliance?
* **Golf Ball**: That is not one of the things.
* **P****i****n**: But—
* **Golf Ball**: I'm going to check on my grandson's mental health. Goodbye. [*Exit.*]

## Pre-contest

### **The Opening**

**Scene**Two is still busy with the structure they're building. They exclaim with joy when they think they're nearly finished.
* **Two**: Yes... yes... ***YES!***

[*Two catches the attention of eliminated contestants* **Naily** *and* **Price Tag**, *who are making fortune tellers out of paper.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Got something done there, Two?
* **Two**: I finally did!
* **N****a****ily**: Great! Hey, do you want to know who your kid's going to be and how many people you're going to marry?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*to the camera*] We screwed up when making these.
* **Two**: Never mind that silly game; how would you two like it if I had you test run today's challenge?
* **N****a****ily**: A test run? But we're eliminated!
* **Two**: That's right, but you are the closest!
* **N****a****ily**: Brill!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Cool!
* **N****a****ily**: So what do test runners do?
* **Two**: Well, first of all, they get the attention of all the still-in contestants.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: What? I didn't sign up for this; what have the still-in contestants ever done for me? I still get mistaken for Black Hole around these parts!
* **Two**: Fine, *I'll* do it. Shame on you for not remembering your past!
* **N****a****ily**: But we've already made up with Cake not too long ago.
* **Two**: Oh. That's nice. [*shouting to the others*] ***HEY, STILL-IN CONTESTANTS: IT'S CHALLENGE TIME!***

[*Naily and Price Tag look at Two, who smiles at the camera.*]

* **Two**: They'll be here soon enough.

[*Enter the still-in contestants: that is,* **Black Hole**, **Golf Ball**, **Pen**, **Pencil**, **Pin** *and* **Remote**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What is it, Two?
* **Two**: It is time for the contest!
* **P****en**: Is it in that building?
* **Two**: No, Pen, it's on Saturn. /s
* **P****en**: What's that, a city?

[*Pencil facepalms, as does Black Hole (but you can't see it).*]

* **Two**: Just so more people know, today's contest will absolutely, certainly, definitely take place inside.

[*Cross-talk.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: This is exciting. A challenge indoors.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's a bit alarming, but I think I can manage, not to suck up all the furniture.
* **Two**: Now, it's time to go inside! [*rapping, sort of*] Everybody, let's go, g-go, go, g-get in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, inside, my TPOT-ers!

[*Orchestral sting as all walk through the doors of Two's strange new building. Pencil is the last one to get in; she notices* **Naily** *and* **Price Tag** *following her.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Whoa, you two shouldn't be here! Even if I were eliminated today, I'd still be placed higher than you are, you know.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: We know, possible sixth-placer.
* **N****a****ily**: Yeah, we've just been chosen to test run the challenge.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Sometimes we're good at running.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, if it's fine with the host. [*suddenly becoming happy*] How 'bout we all walk in together?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: May we skip?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why not?

[*Exeunt* **Naily**, **Pencil** *and* **Price Tag** *into the building, skipping together of their own accord.*]

### **CAT Room**

**Scene****Pencil**, **Naily** and **Price Tag** are the last to enter the room that Two set up only a few minutes ago. This room is decorated in a rather ornate and anachronistic way, strongly reminiscent of the first-class dining room on the *Titanic*. The only difference is that instead of tables and chairs, a sextet of mechanical-looking seats is arranged in a circle around a strange-looking machine in the middle of the room. All marvel at the room design while an invisible string quartet plays entrance music.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Nice pad they get here.
* **N****a****ily**: For the first time in my life, I'm scared to get dust on the carpet.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aloud, to the others.*] Hello, hello, don't mind us, we're just imagining if we could afford a place like this.
* **Two**: Ah! Well, I'm glad you're all here, because it's time for me to explain this contest.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But don't you want to introduce us to the room first?
* **Two**: That's right! Everybody, welcome to the CAT Room!
* **P****i****n**: Cats? No way! Super-duper, meow meow, I *love* those!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I do too.
* **N****a****ily**: Bring on the *neko*!
* **P****en**: What's a cat?

[*Naily and Price Tag laugh and make :3 faces at each other.*]

* **P****en**: *Ohhh*, wait, I know what those are! They were in that documentary we saw that night, remember, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: The one where they're standing on that planet and they have to get that sword?
* **P****en**: Yeah-huh!
* **P****e****nci****l**: That was a cartoon, Pen.

[*Beat.*]

* **Two**: Suddenly the whole "Saturn" thing is starting to make sense. Anyway, the *cat* in the room's name is not the one you're thinking of, but an acronym.
* **Golf Ball**: For what does it stand?
* **Two**: You'll find out as soon as we begin our demonstration. Test subjects?

[*Ad frontem gradiuntur* **Naily***and* **Price Tag**.]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I thought we were test runners.
* **Golf Ball**: Test runners, test subjects—they're basically the same thing.
* **Two**: I would like you two to choose any seat you want.
* **N****a****ily**: Any?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Seat we want? I choose this one then!

[*Price Tag points their feet to a seat away from the observant crowd of still-in contestants and jumps into it. Naily sits in the seat next to them.*]

* **Two**: Right you are.

[*Two then puts a set of headphones over where Naily and Price Tag's ears are supposed to be.*]

* **N****a****ily**: What, what's this for?
* **Two**: I shall now play a sequence of images and sounds that only you can experience.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Sounds psychedelic af.
* **Two**: Just sit back and relax, and I promise you it won't hurt a jot.
* **N****a****ily**: Okay!

## Contest demonstration

[*The chairs begin to quake and quiver. Two turns towards around.*]

* **Two**: I gave the chairs the ability to vibrate.
* **N****a****ily**: Goo-o-o-o-o-od to kno-o-o-o-o-w!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Ri-i-i-ppe-e-er!
* **P****i****n**: So is this our contest, just to sit in these chairs?
* **Two**: Not quite. When their time is up, they'll let you know what you're going to do, as what they're about to do is what *you* will be doing as well.
* **P****i****n**: And what's that?
* **French narrator**: Two minutes later.

#### Two minutes later

* **Two**: Alright, you two, you *two*, you ***TWO!***
* **Golf Ball**: Two!
* **Two**: Sorry, just got carried away by the two-ity of it all. [*giggles*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*Aside.*] So it *is* a word.
* **Two**: Now, my dear quirky ones, you must take off your headphones.
* **N****a****ily**: *What?*

[*Two takes Naily's headphones off. They put their ear to one of the holes and, to their surprise, a heavy metal guitar solo can be heard playing softly. They make an exaggerated head movement as if blown away by the loud music.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What's that all about?
* **P****i****n**: Tell us!
* **Two**: Yeah, tell them, Naily.
* **N****a****ily**: That... was... *amazing!* It was— it was one of the greatest lives I've ever lived, ever! I can't believe I'd be a rock star if I'd only changed one little thing in my life!

[*Everyone looks at Naily with a hint of optimism in their faces as she continues.*]

* **N****a****ily**: It was like a dream, you know, one of those where your whole object existence flashes before your eyes; but now, I can *prove* it actually happened before my eyes, and it's all thanks to this machine! Cheers for everything, Two!
* **Two**: I'm glad you liked it, but you and your little friend need to rejoin the eliminated out there. [*points out the door*] But before you go, why don't you tell the crowd what you think you went through whilst phoned in the ears. What does this machine mean to you?
* **N****a****ily**: Eh, I think it's supposed to tell you what could have happened in your life if it'd gone in a certain direction that's not like the path you're on right now. [*Pause.*] Did I say that right?
* **Two**: Like, perhaps... if you hadn't joined BFDI?
* **N****a****ily**: Exactly!
* **Two**: I'm *too* glad you're seeing it in that manner. [*turns towards the contestants*] And that's but one of the many things that can happen when you make yourself cosy on the Contestants' Alternate Timeline Scanner.

[*Quiet cross-talk.*]

* **N****a****ily**: I'm going outside to rethink my career choices, catch you later!

[*Exit* **Naily**, *skipping in the same manner in which she entered.*]

* **Golf Ball**: What about Price Tag?
* **Two**: Oh, yeah! [*sing-song voice*] ♫ *Taggy Behtash, time to come out!* ♫

[*Price Tag slowly but surely wakes up.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*groggily*] Huh? What happened?
* **Two**: Discovered anything during your slumber?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: No, but I heard everything Naily said. [*getting up*] She's lucky. For me, there was no other reality, no stardom and no career jump. There was only me, in the very same room I'm in now.
* **Two**: What? That's not supposed to happen; you just can't imagine yourself in here. If there were no BFDI, I wouldn't be on this planet to build this CAT room in the first place.
* **Golf Ball**: What a waste in good crafts-number-ship.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Maybe they don't like time travellers, Two.

[*Sparks suddenly shoot out of the chair on which Price Tag was sat. A robotic voice reports malfunction.*]

* **?**: Male-function.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Ah, I'm out of here!

[*Exit* **Price Tag** *as the chairs start shorting out and turning into dust.*]

* **?**: Male-function. Male-function. Male, male, male-function.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We know the sex of the chairs, thank you. /s
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, Black Hole, the chairs are dying, one by one. What a tragedy.
* **Two**: I know, right? [*melodramatically lamenting*] Oh, *no*, not my challenge! Not before it *begins*, that's terrible! The magical seats I need to run the CAT scan have been *ruined* beyond repair!

[*The sparks stop next to the chair in which Naily was sat. Two sulks.*]

* **Two**: Oh, great. Now we can't all sit in those chairs at the same time.
* **P****en**: It's not that bad, Two! We still have one, right?
* **Two**: M'yeah. So we shall all take turns.
* **Golf Ball**: Good. Let us all set an example for the children.
* **Two**: And we can do that in reverse alphabetical order.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Why?
* **Two**: Because I can. Remote, you're up first.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Okay.
* **P****en**: You got this, champ! [*gives her two thumbs up*]

[*Remote smiles sheepishly.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] With my luck, in her alternate timeline she's married to you.
* **P****en**: Oh, Penc... [*holds her hand*] You're scared, aren't ya?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No. [*whispers to him*] Yes. I just know I shall find myself in a nightmare!
* **P****en**: [*puts his arm around her*] You'll be fine, love. Or at least you'll look fine.

[*Pen points to Remote, who is sitting comfortably in the chair as Two puts the headphones on her and adjusts the CAT Scanner settings accordingly. Black Hole tries to help, but he can't exactly operate the equipment well.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Please, I look fine a majority of the time.
* **P****en**: No doubt about it.
* **Two**: In *two plus two!* In *two plus two divided by two!* In *two!* In *two tenths times my ex-co-host! Go!*

## Contest

[*Remote starts to relax in her seat. She eventually closes her eyes as everyone looks at her.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm afraid, there's not much to see here.
* **P****e****nci****l**: This is a public demonstration, innit?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Fair enough.
* **P****i****n**: And I'd like to turn away, but I'm next!

[*Golf Ball notices Two standing next to the CAT Scanner, quixotically looking through the screen through which a not-quite-awake Remote is currently looking.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Two!
* **Two**: That's my name!
* **Golf Ball**: Why is this untestedly fruitless machine called a *CAT Scanner*? That is misappropriation!
* **Two**: What are you whinging about, GB?
* **Golf Ball**: A CAT scan, or these days a *CT* scan, looks through your brain; it doesn't project unholy images into it. Why have you used the name of this potentially life-saving procedure for yourself?
* **Two**: Oh, erm, well... it sounded nice.

[*Golf Ball gives Two another unamused look.*]

* **Golf Ball**: One of my daughters-in-law works in a hospital gift shop. I can have you sued for copyright infringement.
* **Two**: Oh, erm, well—
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*getting up from her seat*] Done.
* **Two**: Wow, that was fast. You can take your headphones off now, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*taking off her headphones*] Right.
* **Two**: Now, please go to the waiting room until the next person is ready.

[*Two points to a door at the back of the room.* **Remote** *walks through it without so much as a flinch.*]

* **Two**: [*calling after her*] *Thank you!*
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*from the other room*] You're welcome.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Two, may I join Remote in the waiting room?
* **Two**: Sure, but do hurry. It only has room for two people, and it must be vacated by the time Pin's done with her turn.
* **P****i****n**: Oh, that's right; I'm up now!

[*Pin excitedly jumps into the seat.*]

* **P****i****n**: Somebody tell my husband it's my go!
* **P****en**: I'll do it! He's in the bar, right?
* **P****i****n**: Where else would Coiny be on the day of his elimination?
* **P****en**: Gotcha, pal.

[**Pen** *salutes her and exits. Pin looks at Golf Ball and Pencil, who are now the only contestants in the room with her.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I'll go too, but only 'cos Golf Ball looks like she wants to be alone.
* **Golf Ball**: You're right. I don't feel like being alone with...

[*By the time she's done talking,* **Pencil** *has already left.*]

* **Golf Ball**: You. Goodness, I was trying to make a point here!
* **Two**: Are you ready, Pin?
* **P****i****n**: Yep!
* **Two**: In that case, the CAT scan will be conducted in three, two, one, *hãy bắt đầu!*
* **P****i****n**: Wait, was that Vietname—

[*Pin suddenly falls semi-asleep.*]

### **Waiting room**

**Scene****Black Hole** and **Remote** are sitting together on a bench in Two's waiting room, which too looks like it comes from an earlier time—the waiting room greatly resembles an Edwardian water-closet. Remote is frowning and looks slightly confused.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Why are you upset, Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What? I'm not upset. I've just experienced life.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What did you see?

[*Remote looks straight at Black Hole.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't know.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Was it just a blank colour with numbers in it, like in that "Dark Web" thing you keep talking about?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, because at least then I knew what was going on. Black Hole, it was the strangest sensation. I felt like I was in front of a background that was white, but black. It was like I was there, but I wasn't. It was like... it was like...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Life and death.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, good, I was going to say *war and peace*, but then I'd sound like a war-ist.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Like I was hungry, yet I was full. I was blurry, yet I was clear. I was an aquatic mammal, yet I was a terrestrial plant. I was a vow of silence, yet I was an Estonian song festival. I was just started, yet I was—
* **P****i****n**: [*from the other room*] *Done!*

[*Black Hole quietly breathes a sigh of relief. He and Remote turn around.*]

### **CAT Room**

**Scene****Pin** jumps on the chair. **Golf Ball** is sitting on the ground (where one of the seats used to be), reading the manual for Two's machine and not really paying attention to much else.
* **P****i****n**: I'm done, I'm done!
* **Two**: [*claps*] Brilliant! Care to tell us what you saw?
* **P****i****n**: How can I? [*Pause.*] Hey, where's Coiny?
* **Co****i****ny**: We're here!

[*Pin sees* **Coiny**, **Pen** *and* **Pencil** *entering. They all look like they've been having a good time.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Pin, my darling, dearest bánh mi, you, you're missing out.
* **P****i****n**: Coiny, are you—
* **Co****i****ny**: Apple juice and the real-life, um, realization that I haven't slept at all last night. Yeah, oh, eliminated life is a *blast!* Who cares if I have to pay rent to Two now? I'm... I'm *rich!* [*weakly raises his arms*]
* **P****i****n**: You've been rich. Don't you want to know what my life could have been like if I hadn't joined BFDI?
* **Co****i****ny**: H- what?
* **P****i****n**: You didn't tell him about the contest?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah, we botched up our mission, for crying out writing. [*walks to the chair*] Okay, Pin, out of the way, I'm ready to see my alternate timeline.
* **Two**: But wait, Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What now?
* **Two**: I have to see if anybody's in the waiting room first.

[*Two opens the door to find it empty.*]

* **Two**: Huh. They're gone.
* **Co****i****ny**: *Whaaa, how did that happen?*
* **P****e****nci****l**: I reckon there's an exit in the back.
* **Co****i****ny**: 'Kay, I'll take your word for it. After all, you *were* an EXITer.
* **P****e****nci****l**: *FEXITer!*
* **Two**: So the room is all yours, Pin!
* **P****i****n**: Okay.

[*Pencil gets into the seat and Two puts headphones on her.*]

* **Two**: In three, two, one, *nenda!*

[*Pencil falls semi-asleep.* **Coiny** *goes into the waiting room to check on Pin, leaving Pen and Golf Ball alone with Two. Silence.*]

* **Two**: Does anybody want to talk to me? I may be numbering the telescope, but I'm always up for a chat.
* **P****en**: You sure we won't be waking Penc up? She's a light sleeper.
* **Two**: I am sure that the CAT Scanner—
* **Golf Ball**: [*in the background*] *You may not call it that!*
* **Two**: Is waking-up proof.
* **P****en**: Son of a gun! So, Two, who's up for elimination today?

[*Slow inspirational music plays, as is typical for long speeches in television shows of the time, regardless of content.*]

* **Two**: Bless you, it all depends... on the challenge, I mean. It will be judged as follows: the three people with the strongest reactions to what they saw in the scan will be up for elimination. It seemed like Remote had no reaction the last time I saw her, so there's a good chance she's safe. But as for you *and* you, Golf Ball, you'd better stay neutral. If you want to be safe in this contest, you mustn't be too happy or be too sad.
* **P****en**: [*holding his arm with his other arm*] Don't be too happy, eh? Gee, that's a toughie.
* **Two**: You'll do fine!
* **Golf Ball**: [*getting up*] Are you taking sides, Two?
* **Two**: No. There are always *two* sides I will take in such a situation, and both are beneficial only to me, *Two*.

[*Golf Ball rolls her eyes.*]

* **Two**: That was a pun.
* **Golf Ball**: I knew that.

[*Pencil wakes up, yawning contentedly.*]

* **P****en**: Penc, you're up! [*quickly walks over*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wha—oh, Pen, I had the most wonderful dream, or whatever Two calls it. [*begins to smile*]
* **P****en**: No, don't look like that!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?
* **P****en**: I'll— [*looks at Two and lowers his voice, which is just as loud as before*] I'll tell you later! Hey, if you really want me to know how you're feeling, how 'bout you tell me in the waiting room?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why?

[*Exeunt. Silence for a while. As this happens, enter* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote**, *who see Golf Ball and Two staring at the door.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What are we experiencing?
* **Golf Ball**: Life in a thin-walled college dorm, Remote.
* **Two**: [*sighs*] You can come out now, Pen, it's your turn!
* **P****en**: [*from the other room*] Okay!

[*The door to the waiting room opens. Out comes* **Pen**, *and it seems like he's being pushed out by a hand (almost certainly that of* **Pencil**, *who is otherwise off-screen). She playfully slaps his backside, which makes him blush. He notices the others.*]

* **P****en**: Hi, guys!

[*He looks off in the distance and smiles.*]

* **Golf Ball**: There is no camera in here.
* **Two**: You may now move your frisked barrel to that—wait, where's Golf Ball? I heard her, but I—
* **Golf Ball**: Hello.

[*Everyone looks up to see Golf Ball sitting on the highest shelf in the room.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: How did you get up there?
* **Golf Ball**: As they say on that app, *I.D.K*.

[*Silence.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Don't look at me, the contest must go on!

[*Two turns around and adjusts Pen's seat—he tries to get comfortable for a long time.*]

* **Two**: You done?
* **P****en**: You bet!
* **Two**: [*putting headphones on him*] Then get ready in three, two, one, *andiamo!*

[*Pen falls semi-asleep.*]

### **Waiting room**

**Scene****Pencil** sits on the bench in the waiting room and chats happily on the telephone. She tries to be as quiet as possible.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, that's right: if I weren't in BFDI, I'd have the highest post in the land, maybe even higher than the one you've got now. [*Pause.*] No, I wouldn't be a dictator; I've learnt my lessons from FreeSmart. [*Pause. Pencil laughs loudly but stops herself as she looks at the door.*] I think I could rule this country uncorrupt... ly. [*Pause.*] Of course not, we wouldn't have met if there weren't such a thing as...

[*There is a sudden knock on the door.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm sorry, Dad, I've got to go; 'twas nice talking with you. [*Pause.*] Aye, cheers, *nakupenda.*

[*Pencil hangs up. She exhales wearily and opens the door that leads outside. On the other side is her new "alliance":* **Bok**, **Ice Cube**, **Bracelety** *and* **Liy**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah, you knew where to find me! Let's discuss my findings and put them into practice, shall we?
* **Li****y**: Or attempt to!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, that too. [*going*]
* **Bracel****ety**: Is this about the "girl boss" thing you called us about?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You know it.

### **CAT Room**

**Scene****Pen** is still sitting in the chair. Though not fully awake yet, one can see that he changes from happy to sad to angry and back to happy to sad again. **Two** is numbering the machine, looks carefully at what Pen is looking at is slightly shocked.
* **Two**: Wow, that's dramatic. It's too bad his time's about to end.
* **Golf Ball**: Which means I go next.
* **Two**: Yes.

[*Two adjusts one of the switches on the machine, causing what is on the screen to fade to black gradually. Pen wakes up from his half-sleep, yawns and looks around.*]

* **Two**: *¡Buenas noches!* [*sees Remote and Golf Ball looking at them suspiciously*] Wait, wrong language.
* **P****en**: Ah... I'm awake.

[*He grabs Two's shoulders, worried.*]

* **P****en**: [*with a trembling voice*] Two, that was the realest dream I've ever had! It was... it was something.
* **Two**: Oh yeah? Since nobody else could be bothered to reveal what they saw in their head, I must ask you: in your alternate timeline, did you find anything interesting? Anything shocking?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Anything juicy?
* **P****en**: Well... I'm going to look awfully good twenty years from now, that's for sure.

[*He smiles slightly. Two opens the door and finds the room empty.*]

* **Two**: The room's all yours.
* **P****en**: Thanks, that's... terrific. See ya, gang.

[*Exit* **Pen**. *Two closes the door after him and shrugs as* **Golf Ball** *takes Pen's place in the chair.*]

* **Golf Ball**: So what should I—
* **P****en**: [*crying*] *Oh-ooooooooo! Whyyyyy?*
* **Golf Ball**: Why do I always get interrupted?
* **Two**: Are you ready, Golf Ball?
* **Golf Ball**: Yes.

[*Two adjusts the headphones on Golf Ball's* *ears**, but she takes it from them and does it herself—although armless, she is quite familiar with headsets and the like from the days of the MMR and BFB.*]

* **Golf Ball**: But I don't expect my life to change that much. After all, I came into the show as a 47-year-old. Cheese Lind-burger flew across the Atlantic at half my age.
* **Two**: Hey, you never know! Now I want you to concentrate and fall semi-asleep when I count to three.
* **Golf Ball**: What makes you think I won't sleep when you count to three?
* **Two**: One, two, three, *go!*

[*Golf Ball falls semi-asleep. Two looks at the camera.*]

* **Two**: You are never too old to fall asleep.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*off-screen*] I'm from outer space, but even I know that this is common, knowledge.

[*Enter* **Pencil** *through the front door of the CAT Room, worried.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Everything alright? I heard my baby crying!
* **Two**: Shouldn't you be in your flat if that's the case?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, the overgrown one! [*points at the door*]
* **Two**: Oh.

[*On her way to the room, Pencil takes out a marker and draws some dots in Golf Ball's holes.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I've always wanted to do this.

[*Exit* **Pencil** *to the waiting room. Two closes the door after her.*]

### **Waiting room**

**Scene**The lights are off, except for the sunlight coming from an unknown source. Enter **Pencil**, who looks up and sees that the window is in the shape of Two. She mouths the words "of course" to herself and realizes that she didn't knock on the door—she does so.
* **P****en**: [*lying down, facing the ground*] Don't come in, even if you're Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm already in.

[*Pen makes a quiet squeaking sound, gets up and flips the switch.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Aw, honey... [*hugs him*] Why'd you turn the lights off anyway?
* **P****en**: Did you see the mirror on the ceiling? It looks like the security cameras at Tew's Market!
* **P****e****nci****l**: That or our bedroom.
* **P****en**: Oh, Pencil, I- I can't let some spy see me crying; the tabloids say I weep hideously.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen...
* **P****en**: [*pacing*] I mean, seriously, I feel one little emotion, and I tell ya, I turn into...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen.
* **P****en**: Into someone who doesn't look good when he cries. And you what kind of person that is? Just imagine Puffball, but her body's your eyeballs—
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***OI!*** [*looks at the door and quiets down*] It's okay. I'm here.
* **P****en**: [*smiles a bit*] You sure are.

[*He takes her in his arms, tilts her over and passionately kisses her. As he does this, he growls at the door, but not intensely so as to sound threatening.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: *Whoa, baby*, I could feel your teeth that time! You trying to make somebody jealous or something?
* **P****en**: [*looks away*] No... [*looks at her*] Yeah.

[*He sits down on the bench. Pencil joins him.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: You're acting as though you've seen yourself with somebody who wasn't me.
* **P****en**: Penc, I'm... I'm real sorry.

[*Pencil looks at him for a while.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I knew it. But what's there to be sorry about? You found out that without BFDI, you'd be with somebody else; don't worry about it. I was married too, you know, and I'm pretty sure my father arranged it. But it's all just a timeline that never happened, so don't worry about it. I'm not upset.
* **P****en**: Aww, thank you, love.
* **P****e****nci****l**: So who was the hypothetical homewrecking hussy and where's the closest ironmonger to her address? I should like to drop a house on her.
* **P****en**: *Pencil!* I mean... I don't really know. I've never seen her in our world before.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Good. What colour was she?
* **P****en**: I don't see colour.

[*Pencil looks at the camera.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: It's a good thing he's not President.
* **P****en**: No, I mean, I guess she had all sorts of colours. I can't just pick one over the others!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Great. I've been replaced by a rainbow with equal-length bands. /s [*sigh*] Well, it's over now: I'll never be President this decade and you'll never be married to...
* **P****en**: Rita.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Rita.
* **P****en**: With kids.
* **P****e****nci****l**: With kids.
* **P****en**: At least seven.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh my God. [*puts her hand up to her forehead*] Well... no point making a fuss over something that never happened. Come on, Pen, let's go home, I've decided to make you my campaign manager 'cos you're loud.
* **P****en**: Wait, babe.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why do I feel like that wasn't the last of it?
* **P****en**: Pencil, my darling, dearest fish and chips...
* **P****e****nci****l**: That don't work on me, but yes?
* **P****en**: In my alternate timeline... [*takes a deep breath*] I had an affair.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*calmly*] And after her I'll drop a house on you.

### **CAT Room**

**Scene****Golf Ball** has just finished viewing her alternate timeline. **Two** approaches her.
* **Two**: Allow me.
* **Golf Ball**: I can take these things off myself. There's a method I've wanted to try for a long time.
* **Two**: What's that?

[*Golf Ball shakes the headphones off her head like dogs do with stray water. It actually looks quite funny—everyone looks at her shocked.*]

* **Golf Ball**: What? Can't I do something I don't do typically?

[*Golf Ball walks over to the room but hears Pencil and Pen speaking indistinctly behind the door. She immediately walks in the opposite direction.*]

* **Golf Ball**: On second thought, goodbye, Two.
* **Two**: Bye-bye, now! Share what you've learnt with the greater society!

[*Exit* **Golf Ball**.]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Will she return?
* **Two**: Are you black?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*falling to the ground laughing*] Ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha.

### **Waiting room**

**Scene****Pencil** and **Pen** are still trying to sort things out, to say the least.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I just can't fricking believe it! I shouldn't be angry with you now 'cos none of this happened, but I am! I can't believe how capable you are of doing such a thing, for beep's sake! Oh, I hate that Mum was right; every handsome man's a *devil*.
* **P****en**: Thanks for that, really, but Pencil...
* **P****e****nci****l**: And *you!* Why tell me all about it? You could have kept me in the dark with your dirty little secret, but *no*, you told all!
* **P****en**: I never told you much!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, really? [*pacing around the waiting room*] I can retell your sleazy what-if spot like a Harrogate Notes revision guide. Let's see... you had a heated argument with Rita, ran to the furthest petrol pump you could get your disproportionate legs to and watched the New Jersey bowling championships in the nearest shoddy hotel with Wyslashen, your "side piece" whom you'd been secretly dating since polyester suits were fashionable. O-*ho*, when you ramble, Schreiber, you ramble, and when it comes to chiz for which your girlfriend ain't around, you gush forth.
* **P****en**: B- but don't you see?
* **P****e****nci****l**: See what? If it happened in that alternate bloody timeline of yours, that you could do exactly the same with me again? *I don't want to lose you!*
* **P****en**: And you won't, I promise! Why d'ya think I was in here crying? 'Cause I felt just terrible after seeing myself fooling around with those people. [*sigh*] The ones I was with, they were nice, charming, even attractive.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That reassures a woman of my sort. /s
* **P****en**: But they're not like you, Penc. You're too precious to me, and we both know that would never *ever* happen; and if it did, you'd be absolutely right to leave me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Faster than the French left Guinea. [*pets his cap*] D'aww, Pen, I've argued enough for today. I don't like seeing us sad. How about we just... pretend none of this ever happened?
* **P****en**: What happened?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*waving her finger at him*] You get it! [*hugs Pen, who genuinely looks confused*]
* **P****en**: Get what?

[*Knock on the back door. Pencil opens it and sees* **Eraser** *on the other side, holding* **Soniri**.]

* **P****en**: Eyy, it's Sonny and his Zu Eraser!
* **P****e****nci****l**: We're having a moment, but since you're literally with child, come in anyway.
* **Eraser**: I thought I felt like coming here. Little fella *begged* me to; think he got the sixth sense or something 'cause what he said had nothing to do with what we were doing.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What were you doing?
* **Eraser**: Teaching him poker.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Our child was begging somebody. What else, is there a drought in Canada? /s
* **Eraser**: He had no trouble talking to me, 'cause I'm the greatest uncle in the world.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*trying not to laugh*] And what, pray tell, d'he say?
* **Eraser**: Come on, Sonny boy, you got this.

[*Silence.*]

* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): [*in an atypically deep voice for a baby*] There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

[*Eraser smiles smugly, while Pencil and Pen stand shocked.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Omg, that's literally *awesome!*
* **P****en**: Yeah, our son speaks Old English! I don't know if I should look up what all that means!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't worry, dear, I'll always remember what led to his saying that. Oh, I shouldn't be surprised if Leafy's *dancing* her way here as we speak. I mean, the first thing our child says and it's a Bible quote—I ought to call my mother and tell her about this miracle!

[*All laugh.*]

* **P****en**: Say, there's just one problem.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What's that?
* **P****en**: Does this mean we gotta raise our kid Catholic?

[*Eraser laughs for about 2.763 seconds.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Might as well have a chat about it over some cherries.
* **P****en**: That's right! We've been so busy with this silly contest that we're missing all the fun over there!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Rase, meet us at Tew's with Soniri, yeah?
* **Eraser**: Yeah, yeah, you got it.

[*Exeunt* **Pencil** *and* **Pen** *together.*]

* **Eraser**: Good thing they don't know your real first words.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): "Aces high, witches."
* **Eraser**: Yeaaaaaaah! [*fist-bumps him*]

[*Soniri burps, perhaps due to the influence of his uncle.*]

## Post-contest

### **CAT Room**

**Scene**Close-up of **Two** looking unnaturally angry. Maybe it's because of all the plastic surgery they've had during the break.
* **Two**: You... you... look at what you've done, Black Hole!

[*Slow camera pan to* **Black Hole**. *The CAT Scanner is clearly not there and Black Hole looks a bit guilty.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Even though I was the last contestant to have a go, I'm really sorry, about the headphones...
* **Two**: Which fell into you.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And the CAT Scanner...
* **Two**: Which was connected to the headphones and fell into you too. Did you at least like how it tasted?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: A bit mechanical, but I wouldn't mind having it again.
* **Two**: Good, 'cos I worked on this thing for ages. I'd like for it to have at least some use, even as a mediocre pastry.

[*Two pushes Black Hole away without touching him and turns to the camera, smiling.*]

* **Two**: And that means this challenge is over!

[*Two looks around to see* **Remote**, **Pin** *and* **Golf Ball** *present as well.*]

* **Two**: Alright, where are Pen and Pencil?
* **Golf Ball**: [*mechanically*] If you are missing pens and pencils, you must bring them yourself; the school district will not supply you with materials.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, no, they went to Tew's Market. I heard them talking about it earlier from the other room.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But I thought black holes weren't known for their sense of hearing.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*moves up and down*] ♫ Headphones. ♫
* **Two**: Reckon we can carry on without them, yeah?

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two**. *The others follow them outside.*]

### **Voting screen**

**Scene****Two** stands on the ground of the Fovitwe at night as the stars twinkle behind them. The stars begin to move to make the assets of the contestants up for elimination: Pin, Pen and Black Hole.
* **Two**: And with that, the three strongest reactors to this episode, Pin, Pen and Black Hole, are up for elimination!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*off-screen*] Wait, what?
* **Two**: Don't worry, I'll remind you! Pin reacted too insincerely, Pen reacted too affectedly, and Black Hole, you sucked up the whole machine. That counts. As for the voters, vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you *don't* want to be eliminated! Vote for who you want to stay! The person with the fewest votes will leave the show!

[*As the credits roll.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But it was an accident.
* **Two**: Yes, it was. That's why you're getting special treatment.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What kind of special treatment?
* **Two**: For every vote you get, I shall personally double it so there's a greater chance you won't be eliminated. How does that sound to you?
* **P****i****n**: Unfair.
* **Two**: I was asking Black Hole.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, I like it.
* **Two**: So do I. [*waves at the screen*] See you next episode!

## Stingers

### **Tew's Market**

**Scene**Night. There are not as many shoppers as at the beginning of the episode. Once again, **Pencil** and **Pen** are shopping for cherries—**Eraser** is holding **Soniri** in the background, scurrying around the shop and drawing an extra side on every pentagon he can find, much to the confusion of the employees.
* **P****e****nci****l**: To think that we only had to pass six aisles called "Aisle 2" to find the squishy cherries.
* **P****en**: [*feeling them*] What d'ya know, they're actually squishy! [*giggles*]

[*Enter* **Golf Ball**, *who looks much happier than usual—there is a tiny smile on her face.*]

* **P****en**: Oh, hi, GB!
* **Golf Ball**: Oh, great, you two are here.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Can hardly tell if you're being sarcastic or not, bossy bot, but let me remind you that without BFDI—
* **Golf Ball**: Without BFDI? *Ha, ha!* That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Alright, but let me say it first: without BFDI, I'd be the ruler of Kenya!
* **Golf Ball**: Really now? [*smiles smugly*] I would be the ruler of the world!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?
* **Golf Ball**: It's true.
* **P****e****nci****l**: But how? In 1961, you were only a school headmistress, weren't you?
* **Golf Ball**: I worked and worked and worked. Eventually, I found my way to the top of the school district, and from there, the entire planet! That's the American way...

[*While Pencil and Golf Ball talk (with their dialogue fading out), Pen's gaze wanders over the market. He sees a short figure who is made up of several colours, none of which overhangs the other. When he sees the person, Pen stops and tugs on Pencil's arm, who's too engrossed in her conversation to have notice.*]

* **Golf Ball**: I figured my freshly-found potential position of power was something that should be stated in straightforward speech. So long, suckish subordinates!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, now go tell Tennis Ball that.
* **Golf Ball**: [*going*] That's right! He needs to know the news first!
* **P****e****nci****l**: And keep the alliteration!

[*Exit* **Golf Ball**. *Pencil rolls her eyes and looks at Pen.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Reckon it's the only way she'll ever be interesting. What are you staring at? [*looks at that someone*] Or *whom?*
* **P****en**: [*tugs on her arm*] It's her!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Shh! And what do you mean?
* **P****en**: That's Rita!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What? How? Wouldn't she be in New Jersey right now?
* **P****en**: I don't know!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Think, Pen!
* **P****en**: No, I mean I don't know if that's Rita.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Then why'd you say—
* **P****en**: That *might* be Wyslashen.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?
* **P****en**: They looked the same!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] Charmed to know your type if I hadn't come along. /s

[*The being, henceforth referred to as "Rita or Wyslashen", accidentally drops their keys on the ground. Rita or Wyslashen doesn't notice because they are silently yelling at cheese.*]

* **P****en**: I'd better help her—him—them.
* **P****e****nci****l**: *No!*
* **P****en**: Keys shouldn't be lying on the ground like that! If they get dirty, what's that say about their owner? I gotta help. [*walks off*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] Why care for a stranger that's somehow flashier than you are?

[*Pen goes up to Rita or Wyslashen and picks up their keys. He clears his throat.*]

* **R****i****t****a** **o****r** **W****y****s****l****a****s****h****e****n**: Yes? [*turns around*]
* **P****en**: You dropped this.
* **R****i****t****a** **o****r** **W****y****s****l****a****s****h****e****n**: Thanks a lot. [*looks at the keys and up at him*] Hey, you're Pen from *The Power of Two*! I don't know why I'm so surprised to see someone from a show run by this grocery store's owner, but it's so cool to see you here! Don't tell people this so they don't think I'm a crackpot, but... I've had a crush on you every time you've been on screen since the seventies. Wow, I've been longing for the day when I'd finally meet you in person and, well, here you are!
* **P****en**: Eyy, it's always a pleasure to meet a loving fan in the wild. Want me to sign anything for ya?
* **R****i****t****a** **o****r** **W****y****s****l****a****s****h****e****n**: Oh... [*observes him closer*] Nah, I don't want to waste your time.
* **P****en**: Really, it's no trouble; I brought my own headshots! Never know when someone might need one.
* **R****i****t****a** **o****r** **W****y****s****l****a****s****h****e****n**: No, thanks. I wasn't expecting you to look this disappointing in real life.

[*Pen pogs.*]

* **R****i****t****a** **o****r** **W****y****s****l****a****s****h****e****n**: Hey, could I have my keys back? They're for my friend who lives down the shore—I'm watching her unknown reptile while she's at the computer convention.
* **P****en**: Oh, s- sure.

[*Suddenly, enter* **Coalladys***. She snatches the keys from Pen's hand and runs off with them.*]

* **Coal****la****dy****s**: Mine!

[*Exit* **Coalladys** *as quickly as she came. Pencil tries not to laugh in the background.* **Rita or Wyslashen** *shrugs and walks away with their cart, exiting.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*nemini loquens*] I hope she's a good iguana sitter.

[*Pen goes back to Pencil. He hugs her.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: You alright?
* **P****en**: Wow. I have never been so happy to be called ugly, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What, she called *you* ugly? Towering, bodacious hunk of plastic like you? Come 'ere, you bloody smasher! [*puts her arm around his shoulder*]
* **P****en**: Boy, am I glad to have you with me, love. [*air kisses her*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ditto. I knew you'd come crawling back to me.

[*Both laugh as they make their way to the checkout together. Fade to black.*]

### **Outside the CAT Room**

**Scene****Pin** is sitting outside the CAT Room, looking very indifferent. A hoover can be heard quietly in action in the background. Enter **Black Hole**.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hello.
* **P****i****n**: Oh. Black Hole, hi.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You've been sitting here for hours.
* **P****i****n**: Well, I've been thinking of something, but I can't put my finger on it.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Is this about your CAT scan from earlier?
* **P****i****n**: Yeah. I didn't see anything in it!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Really?
* **P****i****n**: It was just a black screen. So weird, right?

[*Pause.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wait a minute.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You'd never been to another country before you joined BFDI.
* **P****i****n**: Nope.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And your taking part in the show, was something like your ticket abroad, right?
* **P****i****n**: Right.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So if there were no BFDI, you would remain in Vietnam.
* **P****i****n**: Of course.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: At a time that was, perhaps, the most death-causing in your country's history.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, I see where you're getting at,
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So the reason you couldn't see anything in your alternate timeline was...

[*Silence.*]

* **P****i****n**: *Oooohhhhhh.*

[*A longer, uncomfortable silence as Pin realizes what could have been as she looks at Black Hole. The sound of the vacuum cleaner intensifies, adding to the discomfort. Fade to black once more.*]

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

* The YeFone hieroglyphics were originally going to be called "yemoji", a clear rhyme of *emoji*. I decided that would be too contemporary a reference, even though Japan had an enormous influence on Western culture in the 1980s and emoji (as they are presently) have apparently been around since ASCII was a thing.
* After all but one of the chairs burn up:

**Golf Ball**: Why did every chair get destroyed except for that one, Two?
**Two**: Oh, that? Funnily enough, it's not because Naily was sitting there. No, it's actually because when I was working on the chairs, I designed that one in a completely different way from the others.
**Golf Ball**: What? Are you saying that *that* chair—
**Two**: It is the only one that is unable to catch fire. [*Aside.*] It's also the only one you can sit on, so do be a little quieter, if it please you.
**P****i****n**: Wow, Two, you're really inconsistent; and it's a good thing!

* After Pencil is done with her turn. I thought it was a bit too risqué to put in the final episode, and after I looked up what that term meant, I *knew* it was too risqué to put in the final episode:

**P****e****nci****l**: You're saying you want to escort me to the waiting room?
**P****en**: Yeah!
**P****e****nci****l**: Like you're an escort? A *male* escort?
**P****en**: Y—no, not like that, silly!
[*He rushes her into the waiting room.*]
**Two**: Son of a gun!

* Pencil was going to remind Pen that he had cheated on her before and Pen would have said technically (because he had thought that Pencil was dead when she was in the EXIT). I decided that would be like beating a dead horse and those two are supposed to have a good relationship with each other, so I dropped those lines.
* The last market scene was going to go a bit differently. It's hard to describe in script form, but here's the synopsis. I changed it because it sort of suggested something different:

Rita or Wyslashen was going to drop their keys on the ground whilst talking on the telephone. Pen would notice, get their attention and pick it up for them. There'd be a look of love in RoW's eyes, as if they'd already known who he was from a past personal experience, but that look would quickly fade away.

* The "Wham!" line Rita or Wyslashen said to give the situation closure was a bit different too. It was between the one used presently ("You look better on TV") and these slightly worse alternatives:

You looked better ten years ago.
You're not my type.
I'm married.
I hate guys who pretend to look and act younger than their age.

## Notes

1. ↑ That was a reference.
2. ↑ Not a reference to anything, just a reminder that the contestants are regularly de-aged every ten years to make them look the same age as when they started their BFDI career.
3. ↑ Pencil has a way with words.

**Fake TPOT** [V]