Top Ten Songs About Mediocre Romance

## Introduction

**The Nostalgia Chick**: *[holding her dog; singsongy]* I have a puppy!

**Todd**: *[at computer]* No!

**Nostalgia Chick**: Oh, come *on!* We belong together!

**Todd**: No, I belong with my one true love...Lupa.

**Obscurus Lupa**: I would rather drink a bucket of nails than go out with you, you weirdo!

**Nostalgia Chick**: Yes, you'll get slapped if you're lookin', ho! *[Lupa facepalms.]* Todd, do you ever think your standards are too high? You know, you could give love a chance. We belong together! It would be the greatest love story ever written... for the Internet.

**Todd**: No, it won't. No one writes love stories that start with someone lowering their standards. Think—have you ever heard a love song that goes like this?

*[Sings to tune of James Blunt - "You're Beautiful," with video playing]
You're passable, you're passable
You're passable, it's true.
Saw your face—it's okay.
So I figure that you'll do 'til I find somebody new.*

**Nostalgia Chick**: *[heart-struck whispering]* You're so talented!

**Todd**: Yeah, I know, that was pretty awesome. Although that gives me an idea...

*Todd is at piano and plays Death Cub for Cutie - "The Sound of Settling" on his piano.*

***TOP 10 SONGS ABOUT MEDIOCRE ROMANCE
An arbitrary review***

**Todd**: You know, we have songs in this world all about different subjects, but if there's one thing that has fascinated the *[paintings of poet (not sure who), Shakespeare, and a fancy party]* great poets and writers and especially the singers and musicians of the world, it is love.

*Clip from* Moulin Rouge!
**Christian**: Love is a many-splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love.
**Todd**: You'd think that people would've had enough of silly love songs.

**Christian**: *[singing]* I look around me and I see it isn't so.
**Todd**: And love has so very many facets of it.

**Christian**: Love lifts us up where we belong
**Todd (VO)**: You have songs of passion, songs of loneliness, songs of jealousy, songs of sadness and heartbreak, rage, of lust, of loss, of joy, of pain.

**Todd**: People in love with love, people who hate love.

**Todd (VO)**: And because of this, it is one of the most difficult topics in the world to say something new about. Songwriters have explored the highest joys of love, as well as its deepest sadnesses, its most poignant ends and its bitterest heartbreaks.

**Todd**: But there's one emotion that I have found sadly underexplored. And that emotion is... *[brief shot of the word...]* Meh. Songwriters like big emotions, not dull ones, but...that's a part of life. So this is my tribute to the few love songs out there about *[shots of bored couples]* the mundane, *[cover of* He's Just Not That Into You*]* the unromantic, the unpassionate, the dull. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

*Clip from the final scene of* The Graduate*, as Benjamin and Elaine go from smiling at their triumph to a look of uncertainty. Weird Al Yankovic - "Good Enough for Now" plays in the background. This serves as the interlude through the countdown*
**Weird Al**: You're sort of everything I ever wanted...
**Todd (VO)**: **The Top 10 Songs About Mediocre Romance.**

**Weird Al**: You're the woman that I've always dreamed of
Well not really, but you're good enough for now.
## #10

**Todd (VO)**: #10.

*Video for...wait for it. A waiter addresses Huey Lewis*
**Todd**: Do you believe in love?

*Video for...*
**The News**: Do you believe in love
**Huey**: Do you believe...
**Todd**: Huey Lewis believes in love.

*Video for...*
**Huey Lewis and the News**: Doin' it all for my baby
**Todd**: He believes in the power of love.

*Video for "The Power of Love"*
**Huey**: Just the power of love. That's the power
**Todd**: He believes in love so much, he can be charming and lovestruck even in boring love affairs.

**Huey**: I...don't suppose you'd want to take a ride on my yacht.
**Todd**: Oh, Huey Lewis, I'd go anywhere with you.

***#10. Huey Lewis and the News - "Stuck with You"***

**Todd (VO)**: At first, I wasn't gonna put this one on the list because I figured it didn't count. I thought it wasn't actually about being in a mediocre relationship, it was about genuinely being in love.

**Huey**: Yes it's true
**The News**: Yes it's true
**Huey**: I'm so happy to be stuck with you
**Todd (VO)**: And all that stuff about being stuck with each other? It's just a silly, corny joke, like the kind old people tell because they're so comfortable with each other. "Gosh, honey, it'd be too difficult to break up. I guess I'm stuck with you."

**Todd**: It's just...it's sweet, right? I mean, listen to this guy.

**Huey**: That you're happy to be stuck with me
**Todd (VO)**: He's so happy.

**Huey**: We thought about breaking up
Now we know it's much too late
**Todd**: And then I realized...it's Huey Lewis. Of course he's happy. When is he not happy?

**Huey**: We've had our doubts
**Todd (VO)**: Of course he's pleased with his burnt-out, past its sell-by date, boring relationship.

**Todd**: He's a boring guy!

**Huey**: We are bound by all the rest
Like the same phone number
**Todd (VO)**: He's thrilled as heck that it'd be too inconvenient to break up at this point.

**Huey**: All the same friends and the same address
**Todd (VO)**: And he's being absolutely serious that they're not breaking up because they have too many mutual friends and moving out is a pain.

**Todd**: And moreover, he's thrilled about it!

**Todd (VO)**: The more I think about it, I don't know why I could've imagined he was joking. I don't think Huey Lewis is even capable of sarcasm.

**Todd**: God bless you, Huey Lewis. Your unflagging cheeriness is an inspiration to us all.

*Interlude*

#9
--

**Todd (VO)**: #9.

*Clip from* Solid Gold
**Marilyn McCoo**: Singing his *Solid Gold* classic, "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)," please welcome Mr. Rupert Holmes.
***#9. Rupert Holmes - "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)"***

**Rupert**: If you like Piña Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
**Todd**: Let me make it clear—I absolutely loathe this song.

*Images of album cover for* Adventure *and the single cover*
**Todd (VO)**: Rupert Holmes was a really, really bad yacht-rocker who hit #1 in 1979 with "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)," an unlistenably bad joke song that I have no idea how it got popular.

**Rupert**: I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long
**Todd (VO)**: For the unfamiliar, the story of "The Piña Colada Song" is that the narrator decides to cheat on his wife because he's bored...

**Todd**: ...and an asshole.

**Todd (VO)**: So he answers some skeezy Craigslist personal ad that's looking for a guy that likes Piña Coladas and other stupid crap.

**Rupert**: I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon
**Todd (VO)**: Then he meets this mystery woman that likes Piña Coladas, and getting caught in the rain, and...

**Todd**: ...turns out it's his wife! *[Laughs]* Hyuk!

**Rupert**: It was my own lovely lady.
**Todd (VO)**: *[still laughing]* Oh, what a wacky scenario only imaginable by anyone who's seen a sitcom or a bad chick flick in the past thirty years.

*Clip from episode of* 3rd Rock from the Sun *- "The Great Dickdater"*
**Dick**: What are you doing answering a personal ad? Don't you know that only twisted weirdos place those things?!
**Mary**: Well, I do now!
**Todd**: It's a stupid joke punchline of a song, but I always wondered what this says about the couple Holmes is describing.

**Todd (VO)**: They both casually go looking for some strange, but when they seek out some new mystery lover, they end up describing their own spouses.

**Rupert**: I never knew
That you liked Piña Coladas
**Todd (VO)**: How could they have reaching the "bored stage" of their relationship without knowing all this crap about each other? What's even the point of cheating if you're looking for someone exactly like your current SO? This couple's so bad at romance, they can't even cheat properly.

**Todd**: And then the song just ends, and then what happens?

**Rupert**: Then we laughed for a moment.
**Todd (VO)**: They both just kind of chuckle, like, "oh, you rascal," instead of diving for a phone book to start looking up divorce lawyers. You have to imagine they just go back to their unfulfilling sex life and try to plan their infidelities more carefully, and that's assuming, of course, that the flame of passion isn't somehow reignited by their newly discovered mutual love of Piña Coladas.

**Todd**: There are admittedly worse things to base a relationship around. We'll get to that.

**Rupert**: I knew her smile in an instant
**Todd (VO)**: I guess at the end, that this awful couple learned that they were meant to be...miserable.

**Todd**: Eh, they deserve each other. This song can bite me.

**Rupert**: Come with me...and escape
*Interlude*

#8
--

**Todd (VO)**: #8.

***#8: Billy Joel - "She's Always a Woman"**; performed in Bremen, Germany*

**Billy Joel**: She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
**Todd (VO)**: You know what? It's my list! I'm gonna count it.

**Todd**: For this list, I am choosing Billy Joel's single most beloved love song...

*Clips of...*
**Todd (VO)**: ...after "Uptown Girl"...and "Just the Way You Are"...and "She's Got a Way"...and "The Longest Time." God, he's got a lot of songs. But like I said, it's my list, and I say this is a love song for an awkward, unhappy relationship. And here's my basis for this.

**Todd**: It is a love song in which the singer says absolutely nothing nice about the woman he's in love with.

**Billy**: She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
**Todd**: You gotta admit, the way Billy sings about her, she seems like a real bitch.

**Todd (VO)**: It's just such a bitter, miserable song. Then he wipes it all away because, quote, "she's always a woman to me."

**Billy**: She steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me
**Todd (VO)**: That is a vague statement of praise, at best. I've found that *most* women are always a woman. Honestly, if she *wasn't* always a woman to you, I'd be more impressed.

**Billy**: But she'll bring out the best and the worst you can be
**Todd**: Yes, even the compliment comes with an insult.

**Billy**: She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
**Todd (VO)**: Now I purposely chose not to include songs about bitterness or contempt for the supposed object of love 'cause there are a lot of those, but I made an exception for this song because of the way I think Billy Joel intended it to be a genuine love song, and that's what makes this song kind of fascinating to me—he wants to sound romantic and in love, but he just sounds so...pissed.

**Billy**: She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
**Todd (VO)**: It's not even a "I hate how much I love you" song; it comes across as like, "I'm in love with you...I guess."

**Billy**: And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me
**Todd**: And always a bitch too. Next!

*Interlude*

#7
--

**Todd (VO)**: #7.

*R.E.M. performs "Radio Free Europe"*
**Michael Stipe**: Resign yourself that radio's gonna stay
**Todd (VO)**: The thing that R.E.M. got tagged with in the 80s is that it was hard to tell what lead singer Michael Stipe was singing about. In some cases, that was because Stipe was singing too fast.

**Todd**: *[trying to sing along with "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" and failing]* everymotive...automot..Leonard....Leonard Bernstein...Leonard Bernstein...

*R.E.M. performs "So. Central Rain"*
**Todd (VO)**: Other times, he slurred his lyrics so much, you could barely make out a single word.

**Michael**: Eastern to Mountain, third party call, the lines are down
The wise man built...
*(Text reads: Used to know mountain good party frog
Limes are down the wise men boo)*
**Todd (VO)**: And other times, *[the band performs "Orange Crush"]* you *could* tell what he was saying, but you didn't know what it meant.

**R.E.M.**: Follow me, don't follow me
**Michael**: I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush
**Todd (VO)**: Um...good to know, Mike.

**Todd**: But of all the alternative hits they had before their mega-mainstream breakthrough in the early 90s, there's one which I think I understand pretty well.

***#7. R.E.M. - "The One I Love"***

**Todd (VO)**: Now granted, "The One I Love" doesn't provide a lot of details. The chorus is only one unexplained word. Still, I think I get the gist of it.

**Michael**: A simple prop to occupy my time
This one goes out to the one I love
**Todd (VO)**: "A simple prop to occupy my time" is not that hard to interpret. I'm guessing the phrase "this one goes out to the one I love" is sarcastic. Now I don't think this is a song you'd want playing at your wedding, is all I'm saying.

**Todd**: Unless your wedding has somehow caught fire and you need to let everyone know.

**Michael**: Fire!
**Todd (VO)**: Granted, the fact that the chorus is Stipe screaming "fire!" might indicate that there is *some* kind of passion involved. Maybe he just sets the ones he loves on fire after he leaves them behind, I don't know.

**Michael**: Another prop has occupied my time
**Todd**: Hey, another fun fact about this song? R.E.M. is awesome. That is all.

*Video ends*
*Interlude*

#6
--

**Todd (VO)**: #6.

*Clip from* Saturday Night Live
**Emilio Estevez**: Ladies and gentlemen, Pearl Jam!
*Pearl Jam performs "Not For You"*
**Todd (VO)**: By 1994, Pearl Jam had affectedly decided they were too good to be popular. *[Article about Pearl Jam regarding lack of videos and Ticketmaster]* They refused to promote their songs by releasing music videos because they were all, like, totally offended that MTV actually played music.

**Todd**: Oh, how times change.

**Todd (VO)**: And they cancelled an entire summer tour in protest of Ticketmaster, and also they released an album which had this song on it.

*Album cover of* Vitalogy *as "Bugs" is played*
**Eddie Vedder**: Bugs in my bed
Bugs in my ears
**Todd**: And this one.

*Same album, "Hey Foxymophandlemama, That's Me"*
**Mental patient (look it up)**: I want so much...
Spanking...
**Todd (VO)**: This goes on for nearly eight minutes. *[Back to* SNL*]* So, if Pearl Jam were starting to build up a reputation for being a little up their own butts, I hope it's clear why.

**Todd**: But, as a counterpoint to that, they've shown themselves willing to be remarkably unpretentious in their subject matter, and I've always admired the way they were willing to write about people who were *not* themselves because most of the major rock bands of the 90s did not write character songs. *[Pictures of the following bands]* You weren't gonna see Bush write "Jeremy" and Collective Soul wasn't going to record "Daughter." If there's another 90s band who recorded *this* song, I'd like to know who.

***#6. Pearl Jam - "Better Man**," performed at PinkPop 2000*

**Eddie**: *[crowd sings along]* Watchin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop
**Todd (VO)**: Actually, Pearl Jam almost didn't record this song either. It wasn't even released as a single, and Vedder reportedly didn't even wanna make it because it was, quote...

**Todd**: ..."too commercial." *[Todd sticks two fingers in open mouth]*

**Eddie**: She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man
**Todd (VO)**: Anyway, it's one of the most depressingly real, almost country music-ish, songs in the Pearl Jam oeuvre, about a sad, sad woman who has decided she can't do better than the asshole she's with.

**Eddie**: As he opens the door, she rolls over
Pretends to sleep...
**Todd (VO)**: Vedder never exactly says what this useless man is out doing at 4:00 AM. Drinking? Cheating? Being a member of Creed? Whatever it is, he's clearly a dick, which makes her decision to just give up rather than say all the things she's dying to say all the more heartbreaking. It's really sad.

**Todd**: Everybody sing!

**Pearl Jam and crowd**: Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
**Todd**: She can't find a better man! Yeah! Can we move on?

*The band finishes*
*Interlude*

#5
--

**Todd (VO)**: #5.

**Todd**: Yeah, that last song was a little depressing. Gotta admit, it brought me down a little. I need to be cheered up, but...so alone here. Stephen Stills, what should I do?

***#5. Stephen Stills - "Love the One You're With"**; performed by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young at Wembley*

**Stephen**: When you're down and you're gettin' confused
**Todd**: Yep, that's me!

**Stephen**: And you don't remember who you're talking to
**Todd**: Well, I'm talking to you, but go on.

**CSNY**: And there's a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you're with
**Todd**: If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. That's clever...and kind of awful.

**Todd (VO)**: This is a song that could only be written in the days of free love hippiedom when sex could just be handed out like toothpicks.

**Stephen**: There's a girl right next to you
And she's just waiting for something to do
**Todd**: She's bored, you're lonely; do I have to spell it out for you, dude?

**Todd (VO)**: Now depending on your interpretation, this could be a song about either settling for less, or it could also be about cheating on your girl while she's out of town. Either way, Stephen Stills gives out some terrible advice.

**Nostalgia Chick**: Maybe it's about not wasting your time with some tramp who's not available and learning to be happy with the awesome, wonderful, clever girl who's *right in front of you!*

**Todd**: *[oblivious to the meaning]* Yeah, I know! Isn't that horrible?

*The Chick just glares and slightly twitches*

**Todd (VO)**: But it's so cheery. It just puts the nicest spin on cheating/settling.

**CSNY**: And the eagle flies with the dove
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, the eagle flies with the dove, and I'm guessing not to eat it. No, he's gonna have sex with that dove because he can't find any other eagles.

**Todd**: Don't judge him. Stephen Stills told him to do it.

*Interlude*

#4
--

**Todd (VO)**: #4.

**Todd**: Now what do these songs all have in common? They're all about boring *relationships*. Well, I know what you swingers out there are thinking. You're thinking the problem is the "relationship" part of it. No wonder they're bored; everyone gets bored after a while. And the solution is to have hot, steamy sex with a different guy or girl every night. You'll never have a subpar romantic experience again. Well, allow me to provide a rebuttal.

***#4. Amazing Rhythm Aces (cover and video by Sammy Kershaw) - "Third Rate Romance"***

**Todd (VO)**: This song was originally performed in 1975 by the *[album cover of* Toucan Do It Too*]* Amazing Rhythm Aces, a band that I will never, ever stop confusing with the *[album cover for...]* Atlanta Rhythm Section 'til the day I die. But I couldn't find any clips of the original, so we're looking at the 90s cover version done by country singer Sammy Kershaw, which I know better anyway.

**Sammy Kershaw**: And talk was small when they talked at all
They both knew what they wanted
**Todd (VO)**: Now unlike the other songs on this list, we're dealing with a guy picking up a chick at the bar for a one-night stand, which makes it unique on this list.

**Sammy**: She said, "You don't look like my type
But I guess you'll do"
**Todd**: But this isn't a third-rate romance because these two people aren't gonna get married and have kids.

**Sammy**: Third rate romance, low rent rendezvous
**Todd**: No, it's third-rate because it's a one-night stand that's just...not very good.

**Sammy**: "I'll even tell you that I love you if you want me to"
**Todd (VO)**: Like when people usually sing about a single night of passion, it looks like this.

*Clip of sex scene from* Out of Sight
**Todd**: I...I gotta imagine the hookup in "Third Rate Romance," though, looked more like this.

*Clip from* Desperado*. Zamira kisses Bucho right after he takes a puff of a cigar. He blows it into her mouth, causing a coughing fit.*
**Todd (VO)**: I guess it's just...it's really like a patronizing song. Like, in both versions, the singer seems just amused at how crappy it is.

**Sammy**: And he went to the desk
And made his request
While she waited outside
**Todd (VO)**: The chintzy hotel bar music doesn't make this sound any hotter. Now I constantly hear songs about picking up chicks at the club, but this is clearly happening at some crappy dive bar lounge.

**Sammy**: She kept saying, "I've never really done this kind of thing before, have you"
**Todd**: I can't imagine the sex was anything to write home about either.

**Sammy**: Third rate romance, low rent rendezvous
*Interlude*

#3
--

**Todd (VO)**: #3.

**Todd**: You know, I told myself I wasn't gonna put any comedy songs on here, but...you know what? Just go with it.

***#3. Flight of the Conchords - "The Most Beautiful Girl (In the Room)"***

**Jemaine Clement**: Looking 'round the room, I can tell that you
Are the most beautiful girl in the...room
**Todd (VO)**: I don't really have any commentary except that these guys are damn funny.

**Jemaine**: And when you're on the street, depending on the street
I bet you are definitely in the top three
**Todd (VO)**: And I bet if they used that line on that girl in real life, it would actually work. This is some serious serenading material right here. You know that scene in *[that scene from...]* *Say Anything...*, where John Cusack serenades a girl with "In Your Eyes," one of the most romantic songs ever written?

**Peter Gabriel**: I reach out from the inside
**Todd**: Well guess what. In that movie, that move didn't get him jack. But if he had played some Flight of the Conchords?

*Same clip, but the Conchords song plays*
**Flight of the Conchords**: You're so beautiful
You could be a waitress
*Car sex scene from* High Fidelity
**Todd (VO)**: Bam, sex. You wanna know why? Because girls like funny guys.

**Todd**: I mean, look at me. I'm a semi-professional Internet comedian, and my OkCupid profile has gotten a whopping three comments almost.

**Flight**: You could be a part time model.
**Jemaine**: But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job.
**Todd**: And judging by the rest of the Flight of the Conchords songs, I assume they're probably gonna have pretty mundane sex too.

*Clip from "Business Time"*
**Jemaine**: Makin' love for two minutes
**Todd**: And that to me, ladies and gentlemen, is love.

**Flight**: I'm sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl
I have ever seen with a kebab, ooh-oooh
*Interlude*

#2
--

**Todd (VO)**: #2.

*Video for Meat Loaf - "Paradise by the Dashboard Light"*
**Todd**: Say this about Meat Loaf, man. He doesn't do anything half-ass.

**Meat Loaf**: And I never had a girl looking any better than you did
**Todd (VO)**: When he sings about teenage romance, what do you think he's gonna sing, "Night Moves"? Hardly. He's gonna sing an eight-minute multi-part epic that ends with him stuck in a loveless marriage.

**Meat Loaf and Ellen Foley**: So now I'm praying for the end of time
**Todd (VO)**: And that's not the song I picked. It's just a good example of Loaf's dedication to these giant emotions. Hell, he doesn't even *[clip from* Celebrity Apprentice*]* look for missing art supplies without putting his all into it.

**Meat Loaf**: I bought those *[bleep]* sponges! Part of that paint is mine! I'm *[bleep]* sick and tired...
**Todd (VO)**: I admire that. *[Video for "You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth"]* Meat Loaf goes all out, like a bat out of hell. Even when he makes a song that lands on this list.

*Todd plays the intro for...*

***#2. Meat Loaf - "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"***

**Meat Loaf**: Baby, we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
**Todd (VO)**: Meat Loaf's "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" is probably the most impassioned of the songs on this list. He very, *very* passionately does not love you. He is driven to the very height of heart-rending emotion by his lack of love for you.

**Meat Loaf (Chorus)**: I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
**Todd (VO)**: It's just heartbreaking. A lot of guys are just, like, love 'em and leave 'em, but Meat Loaf can't find it in him to do *either* of those things.

**Meat Loaf**: 'Cause two out of three ain't bad
**Todd (VO)**: Apparently, this was an attempt by Meat Loaf's songwriter *[picture of...]* Jim Steinman to write a simple love song inspired by a *[single cover of "I Want You, I Need You, I Love You"]* very romantic Elvis song. But it turns out that he didn't have a simple love song in him, just as much as there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack box.

**Meat Loaf**: Cracker Jack box
**Todd (VO)**: Love that line.

**Todd**: To be fair, this is pretty close to the simplest song on the album, not to mention just an amazingly good goddamn song. But a love song it is definitely not.

**Meat Loaf**: Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
**Todd**: Nah, I can't front. I absolutely love this song. But when I think of mediocre romance, there's one song that can top even the Loaf. Wanna know what it is? Let's find out.

*Interlude*

#1
--

**Todd (VO)**: #1.

**Todd**: Now when I put this list together, I knew instantly that this song was gonna be my #1. Because this song isn't just about a mediocre relationship, it's a mediocre song. It's...it's...it's not even that. It's the embodiment of mediocrity. *[Picture of F. Murray Abraham in* Amadeus *topped with pictures of...]* Salieri eating a white-bread sandwich with Kraft cheese and store-brand mayonnaise couldn't be this mediocre. I mean this sincerely. I have never seen a song this impressively meh. What could it be? Well, I got three words for you. Deep. Blue. ...Something.

***#1. Deep Blue Something - "Breakfast at Tiffany's"***

**Todd Pipes**: You say we've got nothing in common
**Todd (VO)**: "Breakfast at Tiffany's" is one of those lyrical conceits that's kind of so lame that you can't even imagine why it exists, but you can't help but be delighted that it does. It's about a guy whose relationship is failing because he and his girl don't have anything in common. But then he turns it all around with this unforgettable chorus.

**Deep Blue Something**: And I said, "what about *Breakfast at Tiffany's*?"
She said, "I think I remember the film,
And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it."
And I said, "well, that's the one thing we've got."
**Todd**: Of course! What we have in common is a *[poster of...]* classic Audrey Hepburn movie that we both only kinda remember and only mildly liked. Maybe. Truly one of the most impassioned defenses of love ever written!

**Todd (VO)**: This song describes the saddest, most uninspiring relationship I think I have ever heard in a song. Funny thing is that the song could have worked if they'd played the whole "we have this movie in common" thing like it was a resigned, bitter joke, the same way "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" is. But obviously that's not how they play it at all.

**Deep Blue Something**: And I said, "what about...
**Todd (VO)**: It's like this half-assed stab at a soaring chorus, like...

**Todd**: "Wait a minute. We have *Breakfast at Tiffany's*! Yes! Let's get married and have seven kids!"

*Solo right after chorus, dubbed "World's Saddest Guitar Solo"*
**Todd (VO)**: Seriously, at least Rupert Holmes and his lady seemed to really like Piña Coladas. The couple here only just *kinda* like *Breakfast at Tiffany's*. Like, how are they together at all? A similar taste in movies is just not something to base a relationship on.

**Nostalgia Chick**: Hey, that's a perfectly legitimate reason to be together. What about *Sleepless in Seattle*? We both kinda liked that.

**Todd**: I hated *Sleepless in Seattle*!

**Nostalgia Chick**: Well, *French Kiss*.

**Todd**: No.

**Nostalgia Chick**: *Enchanted*?

**Todd**: No!

**Nostalgia Chick**: You didn't like *Enchanted*?

**Todd**: Sorry.

**Nostalgia Chick**: *Pan's Labyrinth*?

**Todd**: Yeah, I liked *Pan's Labyrinth*.

**Nostalgia Chick**: You see? There you go. We were meant to be together.

**Todd**: Well, as I recall, I kinda liked *Breakfast at Tiffany's*. Did you?

**Nostalgia Chick**: I didn't see *Breakfast at Tiffany's*.

**Todd**: Done!

**Nostalgia Chick**: Wait, come on!

**Todd**: I'm Todd In The Shadows, and I truly, madly, deeply feel okay about this list. Good night.

*Closing tag song: Jimmy Soul - "If You Wanna Be Happy"*

***THE END
This video is owned by me
Bonus points to anyone who recognizes my intro song***