Someone's Got To Do It

**Someone's Got To Do It** is a song written by Ranger Doug, and serves as the signature tune of the characters Slocum and Charlie. The song was first performed in Chapter Four of the *Riders Radio Theater* serial *Curse of The Lost Goldscri*, but later received a studio recording for the 1990 album *Horse Opera*.

## Lyrics

SLOCUM: (Laughing)

CHARLIE: Hey, Slocum. Tell me again, what are we doing here, anyway?

SLOCUM: Well, Charlie, every great story's got to have a great bad guy, right?

CHARLIE: Yeah...

SLOCUM: Well think of all the great bad guys: The Joker, Snidely Whiplash, The Cavendish Gang, even the Beagle Boys...

CHARLIE: Yeah I see your point, but all this bad guy stuff is kinda hard work. Whadda say we get a real job-

SLOCUM: Eh?!

CHARLIE: Go straight- Earn an honest living?

SLOCUM: Charlie, snap out of it!

CHARLIE: Ow!

SLOCUM: Snap out of it!

CHARLIE: Sorry boss, musta been something I ate

SLOCUM: I don't know about you Charlie but- I was born to be bad...

*I've got a pencil-thin mustache and a reptilian demeanor*

*If I could squeeze a nickle-profit, I'd take your Grandma to the cleaners*

*I love forgery, extortion, and changing cattle brands*

*But mostly I'm in love with very big and evil plans*

*I want your coal and cattle, gold and timber and railroad right away*

*I want your water rights, mineral rights, and air rights, by the way*

*I love confiscation, intimidation, and owning all the land*

*'Cause lately I've been getting into big and evil plans*

*Because the plot demands an evil man*

*To prove the good are good, someone's got to put 'em through it*

*Even Shakespeare in his glory put good villains in his story*

*It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it*

CHARLIE: Yeah...

SLOCUM: What's your excuse, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Well, I'll tell ya...

*A brain like you needs muscle, to make the action richer*

*A brawny goon, a dark saloon is why I'm in the picture*

*Breakin' arms and burnin' barns and springing you from the can*

*Is why you need a guy like me for big and evil plans*

*Because the plot demands an evil man*

*To prove the good are good, someone's got to put 'em through it*

*Even Shakespeare in his glory put good villains in his story*

*It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it*

CHARLIE: I guess that "someone" is us. Heh heh...

SLOCUM: It's a filthy job, ain't it, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Heh heh...

SLOCUM: How long have we been working together, Charlie? How many years has it been?

CHARLIE: Uh- three... four? What comes after four, boss?

SLOCUM: Ah shut up, Charlie. Oh! Gotta run! Gotta foreclose on the orphanage. Hahahaha!

CHARLIE: Heh heh heh, let's get started...

SLOCUM: Yeah, maybe we can slash some tires in the parking lot on the way out. It's a dirty job, but I like it...

## Additional Lyrics

An additional verse was added to the song during it's performance in Chapter Thirteen of *Curse of The Lost Goldscri*. The line relates to a conversation between Slocum and Charlie, in which Charlie asks "What does 'gratuitous' mean?" Following this verse, the song then continues in the chorus.

SLOCUM: *Although the violence is gratuitous, the plot is so securus*

*You've got to come to your conclusion with a bang*

CHARLIE: *And if you keep the action furious, the audience says curious*

*And really it don't matter by how thin a thread you hang*

## Riders Recordings

* *Riders Radio Theater* (series)
	+ *Curse of The Lost Goldscri* Chapter Four (1989) (first performance) (live performance)
	+ *Curse of The Lost Goldscri* Chapter Thirteen (1989)
	+ *Phantom of The Valley* Chapter Ten (1990)
* *Horse Opera* (1990) (new recording)
* *Saturday Morning With Riders In The Sky* (1992) (reuses *Horse Opera* recording)

## Trivia

* *Riders In The Sky: The Book* uses lines from *Someone's Got To Do It* in Slocum and Charlie's character profile description.