How to Make a Sandwich

"*Everything happens for a raisin.*"

―Jomny, *everyone's an aliebn when you're an aliebn too*

I made this in the same Creative Writing class I made THE ADVENTURES OF MAN MAN in.

## HOW TO MAKE A SANDWICH

Set a timer to 13 billion years, then activate the Big Bang to create the universe. Wait 8 billion years, then create the Solar System. Wait 500 million years, then crash Thea into Gaia to make Earth. Blend them until they are completely one planet, then soak some meteors with water and drop them on Earth to create the oceans and atmosphere. Wait for a billion years until life forms, then wait 500 million years before adding a backbone to create fish. After 50 million years, set off a distant star to release gamma ray bursts on Earth, causing a mass extinction.

Wait 25 million years or until life recovers and then create plants, as well as legs, but only add them to arthropods. After they start staying on land, give legs to fish. They will develop lungs and become amphibians, while the arthropods catch up and form insects. Turn some of the remaining fish cartilaginous and some sharks will form. Now set off a supervolcano and cause another extinction.

Wait a bit more than 100 million years, briefly looking back to increase the oxygen levels of Earth. This will allow insects and plants to grow. When 100 million years have passed, give the amphibians scales and hard eggshells, and let them stay on land. Now you have reptiles. Return the oxygen level to what it was previously, shrinking the plants and insects back to normal, then wait 20 million years before mixing some mammal DNA into a reptile to create a Dimetrodon.

You’re not going to like where I’m going with this…

Let life take its course over the next 30 million years and more synapsids will form, hopefully including a Lystrosaurus. If none form, just get one out of your pantry and drop it in. They multiply like wildfire. Now combine the continents to make Pangaea, set off more supervolcanoes and wipe out nearly all the life.

After the extinction ends, the Lystrosauruses should be among those that remain, but they’ll be smaller now. That’s supposed to happen. Now add crocodiles and some dinosaurs. The latter will get more powerful over time, and keep the mammals (that you now have to evolve some synapsids into) from developing too much until they’re needed.

When the timer has 200 million years left, crack Pangaea in half. This will cause another extinction and wipe out most of the synapsids, allowing the reptiles to flourish. Pterosaurs and ichthyosaurs will have developed by now.

Wait 5 million years before creating plesiosaurs. Give the dinosaurs feathers, and allow them to grow more. Sauropods, stegosaurs, and bigger theropods will form. Eventually, use flight feathers to create an Archaeopteryx. 50 million years after breaking Pangaea in half, split it up some more to cause more extinctions.

After about 15 million years, create more feathered dinosaurs, and when the timer has 130 million years left, create a bird. Wait 35 million years before creating Spinosaurus and mosasaurs, and then 20 million more before creating Tyrannosaurus, Triceratops, and a very early primate.

Stop screaming please. With no primates there are no sandwiches.

5 million years after that, drop another meteor on Earth and wipe out the dinosaurs and most other stuff too. Now the mammals can RISE. Wait 30 million years, looking back briefly to supersize one of your crocodiles (it won’t last long anyway) and they will get big. Carnivores and ungulates will form, and some primates will develop into monkeys. Drop an ungulate in the water and it will eventually become a whale. Now adjust the climate to cause global storms and a very small mass extinction. Wait 10 million years. Back on land, form a rhino into a Paraceratherium, and create early hippos, which the humans you create later will find the remains of and assume were meat-eating pigs, much to our amusement.

BE QUIET! HUMANS ARE NEEDED!

Return to the ocean and turn a shark into a Megalodon. Hell yeah. At the same time, turn a whale into a Livyatan. HELL YEAH. Wait a few more million years before turning some birds into terror birds. Now begin to work on humans, and change one of the cats that developed earlier into a sabertooth and one of the elephants into a mammoth. When your timer stops displaying numbers in the millions, it’s Ice Age time! Yaaaaaay.

To help them survive the Ice Age, give humans more advanced tools and finally give them fire. They will start skinning animals to make clothes. Not like this matters. When the Ice Age ends, the only humans left standing will be the Homosapiens in Africa. They will soon migrate out of Africa and begin to spread their plague across Earth.

Leave the planet be until the timer runs out.

Disguise yourself as a human and go down to Earth. The humans will have formed massive cities and wiped out most other life on the planet. Make sure you have money. Find a city and look through it until you find a building labeled “SANDWICH SHOP.” Go into it. Go up to the desk and order a sandwich.

Take a bite of the sandwich. If it tastes good, tell the guy at the desk that those billions of years were worth it. When he asks you what the hell you mean, tell him that you’re the God of Creation and you made the universe so that you could get a sandwich.

The guy at the desk will either tell you that a) there are no Gods and that everything was made by evolution, b) there is only one God or c) why not just make yourself a sandwich. Respond by smiting him. If the sandwich didn’t taste good, just smite him right away. Either way, take over the sandwich shop and you now have all the sandwiches you could want. It just took 13 billion years to get there.

Alternatively, as a God of Creation, just use your powers to spawn a sandwich and eat it. This is the easy way. Gods don’t take the easy way.