Volverick the Clown

Sosa the Clown

Maxim Gorky

Oswell the Clown

The Green Goblin

Freakshow Lizzy

> "*You callin' me a cave-club you haggard dingbat? I oughtta give you the Spartan one-two, you mascot-dwelling supersoaker!*" - Volverick the Clown to George Bush, *War of the Clowns*, 2001
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Volverick the Clown was the first living Whig Party mascot, winning the hearts of the masses by tearing them out of their chests. Though he was originally intended to be a joke, his role was quickly cemented in the early stages of the Bush presidency, after he and President Bush engaged in a series of debates known as the *War of the Clowns*.

Volverick met a sudden and tragic end with the crash of UEF Flight 3411, which saw Ted Cruz rise to the leadership of the Whig Party. His son, Oswell the Clown, succeeded him as the Whig mascot.

## Origins as Whig Mascot

Volverick was initially suggested sardonically in 1997 by Federalist Bill O'Reilly who, on his show *The O'Reilly Factor*, stated:

> *"The Whigs behave less like a political party and more like a kid's birthday party. Why, they're just a bunch of clowns! What's their mascot, an owl or something, right? They should change it to a clown."*
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After the Whig Party did not change their mascot to a clown, O'Reilly hired one through a mail order ad on *Kicking the Gong!* and challenged the Whigs' integrity by demanding they appoint him as their mascot. A brief firefight ensued, and after FOX News forced the Whig Party security into submission, Volverick the Clown had become the new Whig Party Mascot.

### Acceptance by Whigs

Though they did not willfully appoint him as their mascot, the Whigs quickly grew somewhat fond of Volverick. When Whig candidate Dan Quayle held his presidential run announcement later that year, he invited Volverick to speak before him: this would be the first major appearance Volverick would make on the national stage, and is widely recognized as the moment Volverick won the hearts and minds of the general populace. An excerpt from his speech reads as:

> "*Y'all motherboarders better give a whop and a whale for my boy here, Dan Chipotle. He was working on the streets as a lean mean green chroma-bean back in the forlorn days of nineteen thousand, six hundred and sixty-six. I saw him give an old penny-wise news-hatter a plaid* corduroy *and a polished dime, if you muggle the jig I'm jivin' down. And so, I gotta say, if you want a President, y'all want Dan Chimpanzee, the best driftin' crystal in the muddy murk of this axle-twistin' crocodile game, yeeeeeee shawwwww!*"
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   The crowd was stunned by his perfection of the art of oratory, and he quickly transcended into the realm of national fame, with news all over the country making broadcasts about his masterful speech. The next week, the Whig Party announced that they were changing their 144 year-old party logo to a stylized picture of Volverick the Clown.

## Jester Riots of 2013

In 2013, with his popularity waning, Volverick held a rally in Boston called *Whigs in Wigs*, where he invited any Whig Party members to dress as a clown and participate in "speeches, (Whig) party games, and a jolly cookout". Though it began to storm just thirty minutes into the event, things were going generally well until a Federalist-sponsored military parade converged onto the same street that the Whigs in Wigs rally was taking place. To make matters worse, a Christian Democrat priest march and a Labor Eugene Debs Lookalike Contest found themselves all taking the same route. When asked by Federalist organizers to let them by, Volverick screamed into a microphone, "I ain't bout-about to let some online classics strumble down the road past my miracle blockade!", then threw a pie into an organizer's face, squirted another with a watergun disguised as a flower, honked his horn twice, and incited the Whig clowns to riot. Immediately, a four-way brawl broke out between priests, war veterans, clowns, and Eugene Debs lookalikes, which quickly spilled out through the streets of Boston, all during a massive lightning storm. It took police eleven hours to put an end to the rioting and Volverick, along with 2,981 others, was arrested and detained in Boston City Jail. Though some referred to Volverick's actions as "questionable", many Whigs praised him for his dedication to to defending the party's honor.

Volverick was released from Jail later that night with no charges held against him. However, people got an interesting image that had not yet been previously seen: in his mugshot, Volverick was required to remove his clown makeup, and thus, people got to see his normal face for the first time.