How It Started/Transcript

(We fade on a small house in the suburbs. The house’s door opens, revealing our narrator, a black entity with white eyes. He is sitting on a sofa, staring at a book next to a fireplace.)

Harold: Oh, hello. You scared the hell out of me. Welcome to my humble home. My name’s-

Harold’s wife: HAAAAROLD? DID YA GET THE MILK, HAROLD?!

Harold: (annoyed) Ugh. Yes, honey. That’s my wife. Doesn’t she sound delightful? Anyways, today, I’ll be telling you little freaks a story. And it ain’t bedtime yet,so none of y'all better fall asleep! Or I’ll pluck ya teeth out!

(Harold chuckles at his own joke.)

Harold: Uh…anyways…

(Harold begins narrating, as we fade to a gray cat, walking down the street, waving his tail, humming a happy tune.)

Harold: Our story begins with a little gray cat, who for all intensive purposes, is named Jack Cat. At least, for now.

Jack Cat: \*humming\*

(Jack continues walking down the street and eventually spots a fish market. His pupils dilate in amazement and hunger as drool drips down from out of his mouth. He zooms over and presses his face against the window. We cut to a light blue fish as a heavenly choir sings in the background. The choir is cut short however, as Jack is hit in the face by a broom. He looks up to see the market’s owner, a light brown man in red and white clothing.)

Market owner: Get out! Scram! Leave!

(He then points to a sign saying “NO FURRY VERMIN ALLOWED!”)

Jack Cat: HEY! For your information, I ain’t no furry vermin!

(The camera then pans to a sign directly under it, saying “AND ESPECIALLY NO CATS!”)

Jack Cat: T-That wasn’t there before!

Market owner: Well, it is now! Stick to the script, cat!

(The market owner hits Jack in the back with the broom, sending him flying.)

Market owner: And it’s out of the park!

Jack Cat: Yeowch! Hey, I could sue you!

(He lands in a trash can. He jumps out, now in the shape of a baseball.)

Jack Cat: (annoyed) They always get me with the specifics.

(He then stretches himself back to normal.)

Jack Cat: Hmmm, how to get that fish out of that sushi shack...

(A turned off lightbulb appears over his head.)

Jack Cat: Bingo!

(He turns his head up at the lightbulb. He smacks it with his hand to turn it on. We fade back to the market owner, who is now inside the Market, preparing the fish.)

Market owner: Ahhh, almost finished! Just need to get some salt and pepper and this baby will be all fired up!

(The market owner walks away, revealing Jack, staring through a window, once again drooling.)

Jack Cat: And soon, that baby will be in this stomach. Heh, clip that out of context. Time to put Operation Fish Sticks into operation!

(Jack zooms offscreen. We then see Jack, now covered in some sort of black suit, slowly coming down from a rope, Mission Impossible style. He whips out a broken walkie-talkie from his back.)

Jack Cat: Base, this is Jackson, do you copy? I repeat! Do you copy?

(Only static can be heard. Jack tosses the walkie-talkie.)

Jack Cat: Huh. Sounds like the base is having technical difficulties. This piece of junk never worked anyway. Whatever, I still need to complete the mission, with or without base.

(Jack goes down slower and slower, until he’s almost right next to the fish.)

Jack Cat: Almost..almost! Come on, baby, daddy’s got ya!

(Jack realizes what he just said. He pulls out a notepad and pencil.)

Jack Cat: Note to self. Think before speaking.

(We cut back and forth between shots of the fish and Jack’s sweating face, as the same heavenly choir sings in the background.)

Jack Cat: WILL YOU GUYS PLEASE BE QUIET! I’m doing something important here!

(The camera zooms out to reveal that the heavenly choir is standing right behind Jack, singing. They walk away, mumbling to themselves. Jack then grabs the fish.)

Jack Cat: Yes! Got ya!

(He begins smoothing the fish happily. He realizes that people are watching him, and he grabs the top of the screen, pulling down a curtain that says “DO NOT DISTURB.”)

Jack Cat: (SFX: Smooching sounds)

(Jack eventually pulls the curtain back up, now without his black suit. The camera pans to reveal the market owner standing right in front of the doorway, looking shocked as if he had seen the whole thing. Both of them share an exchange of them looking at each-other silently with a poker face expression. A tumbleweed rolls by.)

Tumbleweed: Sorry, coming through.

Jack Cat: Uh…… Hi… This isn’t what it looks like…

Market owner: I’m just gonna forget the fact I saw you kiss my fish and try to get you. CAT!!!

(Jack zooms out the market in the shape of a bullet, fish in hand.)

Jack Cat: Ha! Sucker!

(He trips over a curb on the road and falls on a skateboard. The skateboard begins flying down the street.)

Jack Cat: WOAAAH!

(He whips out the fish and eats it in one bite, pulling it out to reveal its bones.)

Jack Cat: \*buuuurp\* Ahhhh. Now ya see it, now ya don’t. Pay up, viewers, you all owe me! Huh?

(Jack sees something in the distance, though he can’t see it that well.)

Jack Cat: The heck is that?

(As Jack gets closer, he realizes the building he’s going into, a giant Glue Factory in the shape of a glue bottle.)

Jack Cat: Uh oh… glue makes my fur all sticky and there isn’t a lake in sight! Then again, what cat do you know that can swim? Close your eyes, children! And technically, PETA for that matter.

(Jack screams as he flies through the glue factory offscreen. Chaos can be heard, as many employees are screaming and glue is spilled everywhere. Jack comes out, now covered in white glue.)

Jack Cat: Ugh! I look like I came out of a bird’s bathroom! Or one of those creepy websites 14-year-olds look at. They gotta write some rules for those places, I swear, maybe 34 would be enough?

(Jack winks at the camera. A guy can be heard faintly, yelling “BOO! YOU STINK!”)

Jack Cat: Where’s that lake when you need it?!

(Jack sees something else in the distance, though only again, he can’t see it that well.)

Jack Cat: Oh god, what now?

(As Jack gets closer, he realizes the next building he’s going into, a giant Nutmeg Factory in the shape of a bowl of peanuts. Jack stares blankly into the camera.)

Jack Cat: (thinking) Oh, catnip sniffers.

(Jack screams once again as he flies through the nutmeg factory offscreen. Chaos can be heard, as many employees are screaming and nutmeg is spilled everywhere. Jack comes out, now covered in nutmeg, which has stuck to his fur, making him light brown.)

Jack Cat: Yep, still on those websites.

Harold: And…stop!

(The camera cuts to Harold, who is now sitting in a room with a projector.)

Harold: Folks, what you’re looking at is the point of no return for our funny feline. For now on in the story, he shall be Jack Cat no longer. He is now-

Harold’s wife: HAAAAROLD? ARE YA USING THAT PROJECTOR IN DA BASEMENT AGAIN, HAROLD?!

Harold: (annoyed) Ugh. Yeah, honey. His name is now Nutmeg. I was trying to raise tension but my wife kinda ruined it. Anyways, back to our tale.

(The camera fades back to Nutmeg, who is still riding on the skateboard.)

Nutmeg: Huh, Feels like I was just interrupted. Anyways, AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

(A fire hydrant appears into view, which the skateboard crashes into, causing Nutmeg to fly into the air and lands inside a barrel of nutmeg, fully covering his fur in nutmeg and making him fully brown. He hops out, annoyed.)

Nutmeg: Of course, beat me while I’m down. Oh, why? WHY DO YOU HATE ME, GOD!? WHY!?

(Nutmeg suddenly gets shocked by lighting, transforming him into a pile of ash.)

Nutmeg: I’ve got a gut feeling he was sending me a sign.

(Nutmeg then starts to cough. He looks around, and is about to leave, when he hears a small voice from below and a shattering sound.

Maus: HEY! BIG GUY! DOWN HERE!

Nutmeg: Huh? Who said that?

Maus: DOWN HERE, YOU DIRTY CAT!

Nutmeg: HEY! WHO YOU CALLIN’ DIRTY PUNK?!

(The camera pans down to reveal a yellow mouse, who is fuming

in anger. He stands next to a hole in a wall, with a welcome mat underneath and a now broken vase beside it.)

Maus: You! You broke my vase! My poor, POOR porcelain vase. SPEAK TO ME!

(The vase begins shaking, as if it’s in pain.)

Vase: (to the verge of death) Why, father? Why!? WHY!?

(Just like Nutmeg earlier, the vase suddenly gets shocked by lighting, transforming it into a pile of ash. A gust of wind blows it away.)

Vase: Ouch.

Nutmeg: Uhh, sorry, mouse I-I didn’t mean t-

Maus: That’s MR. Maus to you, punk!

Nutmeg: WHO YOU CALLIN PUNK, PUNK?!

Maus: I’m calling you punk, punk!

(As the two began yelling at each other, the backgrounds become more abstract and bizarre.)

Nutmeg: YEAH?!

Maus: YEAH!!

Nutmeg: YEAH?!

Maus: YEAH!!

Nutmeg: YEAH?!

Maus: YEAH!!

Nutmeg: AAAAAAH!!

Maus: AAAHHH!!

Nutmeg: Wanna be friends?

Maus: Ehh, got nothing else to do. Alright, kid! Come on, I’ll show ya my other pals.

Nutmeg: You have friends?

(Cut to a gross-out shot of Maus, with realistic eyes, snot dripping from his nose, and pimples all over his face.)

Maus: Sure! I’m perfect friend material! I also work as a marketable sidekick!

(Maus pulls a small poorly-made yellow plushie from behind his back.)

Maus: Look, the thing even talks!

(He pulls the plushie’s pullstring, causing a voice to speak from the plushie’s microphone.)

Plushie: I love you!

(He pulls it again.)

Plushie: Will you be my friend?

(He pulls it one last time.)

Plushie: It’s so dark when you die.

(Nutmeg’s ears droop down.)

Nutmeg: Yeah, heh heh, okay… Let’s get outta here and away from that thing before it comes to life and bites me.

(He forcefully shoves Maus away. The camera zooms closer to the plush as foreboding music starts playing. Suddenly, the music stops and the plush starts moving.)

Plushie: CAN YOU GUYS STOP FOLLOWING PEOPLE AND PLAYING MUSIC BEHIND THEM!? IT’S ANNOYING!

(The camera zooms out to reveal that a big band is standing right behind the plushie, playing music. They scream and run away in a panic. The camera cuts back to Harold, who is now in a pink bathtub full of rubber ducks, seemingly naked.)

Harold’s wife: HAAAAROLD? DID YA WALK DA DOG?!

Harold: DOING IT NOW, HONEY!!

(He hops out the tub, with pink bubbles censoring his you know what. The camera cuts to Harold, getting dragged around town by his dog, which is a tiny little black hole with white eyes.)

DOG: (SFX: Barking)

Harold: And now back to our tale, and hopefully without any more interruptions.

(We fade back into Nutmeg and Maus, who are wandering through an alleyway. We then cut to Rosemary, who is impatiently waiting for Brighty, who is inside a trash can. She moves the fur on her hand, revealing a pocket watch.)

Rosemary: And 10! Okay, Brighty, pull out!

(Brighty carves a square hole through the trash can and walks out, holding a dirty newspaper.)

Rosemary: Okay, pal! What’s the goods?

Brighty: Oh, boy! You won’t believe it!

(He gives Rosemary the newspaper. She opens it up, revealing a rotten maggot-covered steak sitting inside. Rosemary gags as her face turns green and her cheeks blow out.)

Rosemary: UGH! Monsieur, vous pouvez l'avoir! (English: Sir, you can have it!)

Brighty: Hey, thanks Rosemary! I didn’t know you spoke Arabic!

Rosemary: (SFX: BU-WOMP)

Maus: Hey, gang! What’s all the hubbub...bubs?

Rosemary: Brighty’s been dumpster diving for 10 minutes and we haven’t found any grub!

Brighty: Speak for yourself!

(Brighty burps, causing green bubbles with unopened cans and a bust of Abraham Lincoln to fly out his mouth.)

Maus: Ugh, do you kiss your mother with those burps?

Brighty: You have a mother? I thought those were just myths.

Rosemary: Scratch that, I haven’t found grub either. All I’ve found is this useless yellow brick.

(Rosemary whips out a 24 karat gold brick and chucks it offscreen.)

Maus: Ooh.. Anyway, I have someone who I’d like ya to meet.

Brighty: YAY!! Is it a monkey?! No..no, A SINGING MONKEY?!

(Nutmeg steps out of the shadows)

Brighty: Huh!? You got Butch Kricfalusi?!

Maus: Who? No, it’s this kid named Nutmeg.

Nutmeg: (nervous) Hi.

Brighty: Oh, He was too famous… Anyway, Hi, not Butch Kricfalusi. I’m Brighty! I’m fully prepared for anything that isn’t fine dining!

Nutmeg: (confused) Uh, can I get some fine dinin-

Brighty: CRAP! I’M NOT READY! HOLD ON!

(Brighty rushes off.)

Nutmeg: Uh……okaaaaay…

(Rosemary pops out from a nearby dumpster.)

Rosemary: FELLAS! FELLAS! I FOUND SOME EDIBLE FOOD!

(She digs in her pocket and whips out a hotdog.)

Rosemary: Ketchup or mustard?

Nutmeg: Where’d you find that?

Rosemary: In the happy hands of a hot dog vendor who probably wants me dead now! And now it’s your happy hands!

(Rosemary gives Nutmeg the hotdog.)

Nutmeg: Hey! Thaaaaaaanks!

(As Nutmeg speaks, his breath, which was green due to eating the fish from WAY earlier, goes towards Rosemary’s nose.)

Rosemary: Woah!

(Rosemary whips out a can of air freshener and kills the odor on the spot.)

Nutmeg: Uh! Uh! Sorry! Where’s a breath mint when you need it?

Brighty: Here, my good man!

(Brighty rushes back, in waiter clothes and a tray of mints.)

Nutmeg: Is he always like this?

Rosemary: I honestly have no idea.

(Nutmeg grabs a breath-mint and was about to eat the hot dog when all of a sudden, a rock hit him in the back of the head.)

Nutmeg: AYEEEE! ¡¿Quien Era el idiota que hizo eso?! (English: Who was the idiot that did that?!)

(A cat then steps out of the shadows, chuckling.)

???: It was me…

(The words “Brad” appear on the screen as the cat steps out, revealing himself. The cat looks annoyed and grabs a pencil from a trash can. He erases the name and puts “Parsley” in its place.)

Parsley: \*looks up\* I told you I'm not called that anymore!

Harold: Yeah, okay edge lord.

(Rosemary gasps.)

Rosemary: Parsley!

Parsley: Hey, sweet cheeks!

(Parsley pauses before realizing what he said. He pulls out a notepad and pencil.)

Parsley: Note to self. Think before speaking.

(Parsley shoots a heart at Rosemary, which gets stabbed by Rosemary, using her claws.)

Heart: Ow.

Rosemary: What in the world are you doing here?

Parsley: Oh, I was just out on a stroll when I noticed you, hanging out with some other cat!

Rosemary: Are you seriously jealous? Parsley, pal, buddy, pussycat, we were only in a relationship for two weeks.

Parsley: And so? Neither of us ended the thing!

Rosemary: You were the one who ended it!

Parsley: No, I didn’t!

(Rosemary whips out a tape recorder and begins playing it.)

Parsley: (recording) NO! I’m not doing this anymore! We’re calling this off!

Rosemary: (recording) Come on! You only finished 12 of the hot dogs!

Parsley: (recording) I’M OUT!

(The recording ends.)

Parsley: W-where did you even find that?!

Rosemary: Your house. Honestly, I have no idea why you recorded this.

Parsley: But, I-I! WHATEVER!

(Nutmeg and Brighty fade back into existence, and rushes in.)

Brighty: Hey, remember we exist?

Nutmeg: Woah woah woah! You two broke up over a hotdog eating contest?!

(Nutmeg then points at Parsley.)

Nutmeg: And YOU only ate 12?! Weak.

Parsley: Grrr! Nobody calls me weak and gets away with it!

(Parsley winds up a punch, only to stop midway. He hears grunting sounds and looks down to see Maus, kicking him. Cut to Maus, kicking him. He gets tired and leans on Parsley’s toe, panting.)

Maus: Huff, huff. Man, this sure beats running on a treadmill for exercise, huh?

Nutmeg: (confused, offscreen) They make mouse sized treadmills?

(Parsley’s toe swings forward and punches Maus in the face, sending him falling back into some trash cans.)

Maus: Toto, I don’t think I’m in Kansas no more!

(He faints. Cut to Brighty, rushing to his side in a boxing referee uniform.)

Brighty: 1, 2, skip a few, 8, 9, 10! Knockout! Knockout! He's out, folks!

(Nutmeg, looking angry, looks around and hears someone offscreen. He turns the corner and sees a man with a box of fireworks.)

Guy: Fourth of July, here I come!

(A massive firework, labed “THE BIG BEANY”, falls out the box, and a box of matches slips out his hand.)

Nutmeg: Huh, how convenient can ya get?

(A lightbulb appears over his head. He grabs the firework and runs back to Parsley, only to see him with Maus in his hand, tangling him by the tail like a yo-yo.)

Maus: Ugh, I shouldn’t have eaten those breakfast burritos. I feel like I’m gonna burst.

(Maus pops like a balloon, deflating in Parsley’s hand and allowing him to escape.)

Maus: Too late. Wait, I ain’t dying today! Time to amscray!

(Maus runs off, distracting Parsley long enough for Nutmeg to tie the firework to Parsley’s tail, which he does, tying it like a necktie. He lights the firework and rushes offscreen.)

Parsley: What the? Where did?

(Nutmeg taps Parsley’s shoulder.)

Nutmeg: Looking for someone, twoface?

Parsley: Why, you…! I oughta sock ya into next tuesday!

Nutmeg: Uh uh uh! Sorry to say, but you’re tongue tied. Or should I say, tail-tied?

(He points to Parsley’s tail, causing Parsley to panic and do a wild take.)

Firework: Ding ding ding! Blastoff! Next stop, AHBU DHABI!! Or Chinatown, whatever’s closer!

Parsley: AAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH! As a famous duck once said, you're despicable!

(The firework goes off, sending Parsley up into the sky. As the firework explodes, it leaves a bright green sparkling image of Parsley in the sky, along with some sparkling orange text, stating “EAT AT JOE’S.” Nutmeg watches the event with a pair of binoculars, along with Maus, Rosemary and Brighty, who are each eating popcorn.)

Nutmeg: Liftoff, we have liftoff. Houston, we have liftoff.

(Brighty’s popcorn bag runs dry.)

Brighty: Hey! You guys got a bite to spare?

Maus and Rosemary: Can it, fatty! We’re watching a lightshow unfold!

Brighty: Oh well, me and my stomach!

(Parsley falls all the way from space. As he drops, he sets ablaze and his fur turns black. By the time he reaches Abu Dhabi, he’s a fuzzy scribble of black. He crashlands headfirst, popping his head out for air.)

Parsley: Huh? What? When? Wow? What is this dump?

Nermal: (offscreen) Hey, first timer?

(Parsley sticks his eyes out to see who it is. His jaw drops.)

Parsley: Oh god no.

(Cut to reveal Nermal from Garfield and Friends, who is standing in a box marked “SHIP TO ABU DHABI. PLEASE DON’T ADD AIR HOLES. SIGNED GARFIELD.”)

Nermal: That's right! It's me, Nermal, the world's cutest kitty cat! You wanna see this real cute thing I can do with this ball of yarn?

Parsley: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! That’s no with 53 Os! Yes, I counted it in my mind, don’t judge me.

(Cut back to Nutmeg, Maus, Rosemary and Brighty, who are now strolling away from the scene, chuckling and laughing about what happened.)

Brighty: Man, you are one bright spark!

(Brighty transforms into a green spark with cartoony eyes, before transforming back to normal. Rosemary’s stomach growls.)

Rosemary:  Ugh. I’m starved! Anyone know a place to get food?

(A empty space with a small wooden sign, where a lightbulb should be appears over his head. Nutmeg grabs the sign, which says “DONE WITH OVERUSED TROPE, OFF TO HAWAII.”)

Nutmeg: Huh, even my own ideas need a break from me.

(Nutmeg rushes away, coming back with waiter clothes on and a notepad and pencil.)

Nutmeg: Monsieur, allow me, Nutmeg, your waiter to bring you to your table.

(He picks everyone up and carries them offscreen. Cut to the fish market owner, who is preparing to close the shop for the night.)

Market owner: Jeez, that was one tough day! Well, finally time to clock out and get out!

(He walks to the door, flipping his white “Open” sign to say “Closed.” As he does so, some eating sounds can be heard behind him.)

Market owner: Huh?

(He turns around and does a wild take, as he sees Nutmeg and his friends, gobbing up all the remanding food. They realize he’s staring at them and scramble out.)

Market owner: CAT! MOUSE! OUT! OUT!

(Everyone runs out, except Nutmeg, who is nowhere to be seen.)

Rosemary: Man! What a thrill! Hey, where’s Nutty?

(Nutmeg flies above them, seemingly getting hit by the market owner’s broom. He crashes into some trash cans as all his friends laugh at him offscreen. He sticks his head out and begins singing.)

Nutmeg: (singing) No matter what I’m dealing with, ol’ life is such a pain! Even with a new coat of paint, some things never change.

Harold’s wife: HAAAAROLD? HAROLD?!

(Cut to Harold, who is sleeping in bed. He’s woken up by his wife’s yelling, and yells back, angry.)

Harold: (pissed off) WHAT IS IT, HONEY?! WHAT IS IT?!

(An iris in a circle shape begins closing, only for it to pop back open a little, for the final gag.)

Harold’s wife: ARE WE GONNA SEE YA AGAIN AFTER THIS, HAROLD?!

Harold: (annoyed) Probably not.

(The iris finally closes, ending the episode.)