Albert

### Affiliation

Islington Golf Club (1979 - present)Thornton Stationery Islington Branch (1984 - present)

### Occupation

Salesman at Thornton Stationery Islington Branch

## Appearances

### Debut

1984

Albert (born 26 May 1957) is the regional branch manager at Thornton Stationery Islington Branch. Before 2011 he was the best performing salesman, until he was overtaken by Paul Butterbury. Albert was not too happy with this, so he broke Paul's kneecaps with a golf stick. On the 15th of March 2022, Albert was promoted to the branch manager of Islington after Isaac Chesterfield retired.

Albert was raised in Sussex, and had a strict childhood. His father passed in a back-alley street-fight with his arch-enemy, Mitchell. Albert lived in a small cottage with his mother and all four of his grandparents. Albert and his mother had to sleep on the floor, whilst his four grandparents, who were all bedbound, shared a bed. At the age of 9, Albert got a job as the local newspaper delivery boy.

Albert was enrolled in school at the age of 13, and was at a great disadvantage. The posh children at the school constantly picked on Albert for his economic status. At first Albert was afraid to strike back, however, by 1973, Albert formed a small gang of aspiring bikers. The gang would wonder around the streets of Sussex with their leather jackets and Doc Martens. In May 1974, Albert managed to pull some strings and earn a motorbike. He became a menace to the posh boys of Sussex, and terrorised the middle-class neighbourhoods. Him and his gang would bike around these neighbourhoods and egg their houses. Sometimes, Albert used warfare, such as the time when a local hooligan made fun of Albert's shoes, so Albert pulled a knife out on him and cut his pinkie off.

Albert stayed in Sussex until 1980, when he moved to West Germany and enrolled in the West German military. He became feared amongst the German soldiers, and rose to the rank of Colonel within 8 months. Albert was discharged from the military after biting a junior corporal who called Albert's favourite band - The Undertones - shit. Albert was enraged and screamed. He ordered the corporal to be shot, however the junior officers would not listen to him.

He lived in various places in West Germany for the next 4 years and worked as an aspiring horror film-maker and circus magician. Albert's first film ''Der Essig und die Augen'' was banned from being shown in theatres due to it's disturbing nature. According to Albert, the film had scenes including Albert drinking vinegar from a manikin's eyes, and swirling images with a chicken's head exploding. Albert reports that the chicken was not a real chicken. In 1984, Albert returned to the UK for his grandmother, Georgina's funeral. Albert was distraught and gathered his former gang to play The Police's 'Every Breath You Take'.

In November 1984, Albert founded a pub shop in Feltham - Albert's Pub. On a cold night in February 1985, a hooded figure entered his pub. The people at his pub were clearly unsettled by this figure. Albert was so fed up that he lept over the counter and throttled the the chubby little fat cunt. Customers ran out of the pub in fear, other than Gary Hammersmith, the local shoemaker. Albert and Gary continued to batter the scary figure, in the best interest of the townspeople. The figure would rattle on the floor screaming ''RAKKA RAKKA RA.'' Albert fetched a glass bottle and smashed it over the beast's head. Gary fetched his Arabian Horse's meat and threw it at the monster. Albert and Gary pulled up the hood of the beast, and found a chilling revelation. It was Albert's grandfather. Albert nearly destroyed his grandfather with Gary's meat.

Albert is a very secretive individual. He refuses to share his last name with people. The only people that know his last name are his wife, and the government. It's so bad that not even Albert's children or grandchildren know his last name. When they were born, Albert decided to give his children his wife's surname. His co-workers only figured out his birthday was 26 May 1957 in 2019, when they found a membership card to the Islington Golfing Club on the floor. The card did not contain his last name.