The Colossal Tussle II

### Cast

Tom Burgess • Laurie Blake • Rosie Nicholls • Oli Davis • Luke Owen • Lolo Brow • Sullivan Beau Brown

### Roster

Sob Ross • Bob Villain • The Phlegm Fatale • Valentina Ihavonich • Rick Thunder • Pontisaurus Fex • Tony the Milkman • Jurgen Flopp • Silver Bro • Golden Joe • Mable Syrup • The Denimatrix

### Other people

Platinum Pete • Titanium Tina • QC • Sargeant Beaver Bark • Stable Stirrup

### Series

City British Wrestling series 2

**The Colossal Tussle II** is the fifth and final episode of the second series of City British Wrestling.

## Official synopsis

*All roads lead to the Colossal Tussle! Our wrasslin' roustabouts have come to the Show of Shows to settle scores, squash siblings and steal the spotlight.*

## Plot

This episode was held in a massive open-air arena.

### Colossal Russell Memorial Battle Royale

At the Colossal Russell Memorial Battle Royale, Sob Ross entered the ring first. He wished he could paint again, but his paint was all dried up. He told an audience member that his wife had just left him again, and cried. Bob Villain entered alongside leaves and a tumbleweed, and played his guitar unhappily before plonking himself down on the floor. The Phlegm Fatale appeared under a spotlight and began singing, flinging snot into the audience. Valentina Ihavonich emerged from the middle of an enormous Russian nesting doll with borscht in her pockets. She tied her shawl over her head. Rick Thunder walked in as the Wrestletron caught the audience up on what happened to him previously. A figure in crimson robes made a clawed cross sign over a font that had been wheeled in. The water in the font shook as, finally, curent custodian Pontisaurus Fex arrived with the teeth-marked Colossal Russell replica. The audience were stood still as his forgiveness was based on movement. Someone threw a flare into the ring as the trophy was lowered, and he lobbed the trophy out of the ring.

On the bell, Bob went over to Sob and attempted to give him the Beat Poet Beating. However, Sob tried his Pity Party move, telling Bob that the electricity for his house was turned off and that he was unable to afford a place to stay despite his kids asking for things. He continued to approach Bob who began to back over to the ropes, but tried to use the Knock Knock Knockin' On Heaven's Door. This didn't land and Sob begged Bob to win, but Bob employed the Scrappy Guitar, putting Sob's head through the instrument. Bob proceeded with A Simple Twist of Fate, but Sob interpreted this as Bob giving Sob his guitar as a gift.

Fex stomped over to eat Sob, however Sob crushed Fex in a hug and threw him. Beautiful pterodactyls swooped down from the rafters caught Fex as he was silhouetted against the spotlight. A choir sounded and Fex dropped back in, dive-bombing Rick mouth first and chewing him. Fex continued with the Megasaur Ass and then tail swiped Rick away. Because Rick was a trained fighter pilot, he could use the wings of his coat to sail back into the ring, landing on Fex to ride him. He charged Fex towards Valentina, using a bit on the back of the dinosaur's neck to control him, and chomped down. Valentina slowly removed the jaws, let them snap shut, and stroked Fex to console him. She then climbed up him to put Rick in the Boston Crabergé Egg on his back before attempting to flip Rick out of the ring.

Despite this, Rick had kept hold of Fex's tail and swung back in to dropkick Phlegm but he slid straight off her mucus. She put him in the Alfred Hitchsnot and tried to Perfect Slime him but couldn't. He tried to swing Fex into her but she and Fex had an allegiance as she was deeply Snotestant.

Sob saw the commotion and resolved to topple Fex, Rick and Valentina all at once. He flipped Fex out of the ring but the Popemobile caught him; he hopped back onto the other side of the ring and had a sit down. Bob saw this as an audience and began playing his sweet honky-tonk piano, before playing Fex's arm as if it were the piano. In response, Fex tried to bite Bob but accidentally slashed through the harnesses holding the Colossal Russell replica trophy. Like a meteor, the trophy hit him squarely in the chest and he read his own last words and died, eliminated from the match.

As Bob rocked out, Valentina came down for Sob with a Perestriker, which didn't land. Sob told Valentina about the time kids were mean to his son at school, then came to his house and were mean to Sob too. Valentina did a dropkick on him but he hugged her legs as bits of passata fell from his beard onto her face. He German suplexed her but she bounced on the ropes and did a big punch. This missed, making Sob believe he just made everything worse. Valentina explained that she looked so old because she had been chased by dogs for the first fifteen years of her life, and this caused Sob to start talking about his bad experiences with dogs. This sadness almost pushed her over the ropes, but she used the sadness to fuel her anger and went for a spear, not caring if they both went over the ropes. Sob went over the ropes instead and his feet touched the floor, but the referee didn't want to make eye contact with him and so he could get back into the ring. He approached Rick and they talked about losing their best friends; Rick spoke of losing Danger Zone while Sob spoke of Steve who was killed in a terrible gardening accident.

Rick blanked him and instead went for Bob, who he did a running spear on like a jet. Bob said "I contain multitudes!" and pushed Rick away before trying his Like a Rolling Stone move. Rick flipped Bob over to reverse the move, but Bob landed on the top rope and jumped back off for the Make You Feel My Love, but Rick caught him and did a Thunder Bomb to eliminate him. The crowd caught Bob, who crowd surfed back into the ring and gave Rick the Mouth Organ, then a Hurricane. Rick turned this into a Barrel Roll, but Bob did a handstand and punched himself back into the ring. Bob's next move was the Hey There Mr. Tambourine Man, but he accidentally smashed the tambourine over his own head and dragged himself out of the ring.

Rick picked up Sob and airplane spun him, in an attempt to eliminate Phlegm. However, she used the Sunsnot Boulevard on him, throwing him out of the ring one last time. A space-time portal opened up, Rick fell through, and it closed behind him. He was eliminated.

Phlegm tried to out-cry Sob, who squeezed her in a hug. He threw her over the rope but she tried the Postman Always Coughs Twice and swung him over the top rope, far enough that nobody could hear him anymore, and he was eliminated.

Phlegm and Valentina took part in some small talk about borscht. Phlegm attempted to wrap her in mucus and leave her under the stage lights until it was crusty and hard, but Valentina used the hot borscht in her pockets to escape. She hit Phlegm with a flying clothesline, then did a Sputnik drop kick which missed. Phlegm used the Double Indemnisnotty but this didn't work and so she tried to tell Valentina that she was late for bingo. Valentina scooped her out of the ring but Phlegm cried into Valentina's eyes to infect them. Valentina used her Ivan the Terrible poke and Phlegm used the Lemslip on her. Valentina told Phlegm to "just go"; Phlegm was convinced by the argument and left the ring, eliminated.

After the Colossal Russell statue was taken backstage, Valentina gave a small bow before jumping back into her nesting doll, bowing again, and leaving.

### Tony the Milkman vs Jurgen Flopp

Time for the Calcium Chompionship match. The winner of the match would determine the fate of British milk distribution for the next 18 years. On the Wrestletron, Tony's gym was shown. The audience saw ripped and snapped VHS tapes in front of a smashed TV. A fridge in the corner was opened to reveal each shelf lined with milk, except one that had another fridge with a rottary combination lock. A hand turned the dial and opened it to reveal one slightly dusty bottle of milk. Coming out of retirement, Tony the Milkman was announced. A garbage truck, a bus, a coach, an ambulance, a fire engine and a postman's van lined up along the ramp. A flap raised up from the stage as the audience could hear a whirring sound, and they saw a milk float emerge and its huge chrome engine kick in. It hit a ramp and landed in front of the ring with a handbrake turn, and Tony stepped out in a tie-dye version of his usual outfit. He looked thinner than before, either from grief or lack of sleep. He addressed the audience, talking about the milk in his bloodline. He spoke of the milk he milked as a memento of Kid, who he said was "fookin fearless". He drank the bottle he had milked 18 years ago, and straightened up as his skin seemed to tighten. He said that this match would be the fimal stop on his round, and that people would start calling him the butcher.

Jurgen Flopp came out to Kid's music with a backwards cap and on a skateboard. He did an ollie over several cows and spit milk into Tony's face.

Immediately on the bell, Tony hit him with a Live and Superkicking and knocked Jurgen to the floor three times, the last being the hardest ever seen. Jurgen's glasses shattered and they looked eye to eye. Tony went in for the Double Udderhook suplex as Jurgen tried to poke him in the eyes, but Tony grabbed his hand to lock in a Tap Owt lock. Tony couldn't get purchase; in their grappling they descended to the floor and Jurgen tried a crossface before biting the back of Tony's head. Pulling back even further, Jurgen squeezed Tony's voicebox until it exploded. Tony attempted to drag Jurgen into a fireman's carrier into a Dadditude Adjustment, but his strength failed him. Jurgen let Tony go and got to the top rope and chanted "Kid Flippz!" before doing the Clarissa Explains It All Moonsault, connecting powerfully. He executed the Rinderverstümmelung as Tony wheezed, but Tony broke out. Jurgen picked him up and prepared to throw him at the referee, but Tony asked him if his mother was proud, saying "you're fookin dead to her". Shaken, Jurgen threw Tony weakly; he got up, barreled into Jurgen and put on the Full Churn. Refusing to yield and adamant that Tony killed his son, Jurgen was moved into a weak crossface by Tony. Jurgen reversed the move and pulled hard on Tony's neck but he broke out. Jurgen put TOny in a German suplex and followed with the Rinderverstümmelung again but Tony slipped free and put him in an arm bar. A burst of power shot through Tony, cracking Jurgen's body in several places. Jurgen finally confessed; "I killed him! I killed Kid Flippz!" He forfeited the match.

The surge of power left Tony as he dropped Jurgen. His heart stopped as his body went into shock and his eyes locked on Jurgen's. He said "cowabunga, motherfucker", before hitting the mat. Tony's theme played as Fight Nurse and Bitch Doctor burst down the ramp. They carried him out of the ring on a stretcher, leaving Jurgen alone. He stayed still for some time, realising that he had done something wrong and had faced the consequences. He didn't want to kill Tony, he just wanted to win.

### Golden Joe vs Silver Bro

The loser of this match would be fired from City British Wrestling forever. Silver Bro entered first, with no pyro and no Wrestletron. He walked to the ring, incredibly dejected. The lights went off, the stage hands moved something into place, and the Wrestletron started playing a compilation of Golden Joe being great and Bro losing. The lights came on to display a banner of Joe and Kid plastered over a picture of Bro that said RIP, alongside a cardboard cutout of Tony the Milkman. He burst out of the banner, singing a new theme, "Golden Joe", by Golden Joe. An ad came up on the Wrestletron that said '"Golden Joe" by Golden Joe. Available in all casette shops now.'

Bro spoke of how two years ago they'd won the Tag Team Championships against The Constructi-Bombs. He said Joe was his favourite person on the planet, but that no one really liked Joe. He said that that he "read what Mave Deltzer is writing about you in the dirt sheets." He said hi to Mave, and hoped she gave the last match a really good write up. He said that Mave had written about Joe's heat with The Denimatrix and Bro, and that he was playing politics with management. He called Joe a "Golden Joke", and called him out for trying to profit off of Kid. Despite this, he said he still saw his brother in Joe, and said he was destined to lead the promotion. He said that Joe was Platinum Pete's "do-over" after he didn't get what he wanted from Bro. Bro said he'd failed to save Joe from himself, but could not fail Titanium Tina. He decided he'd take second place.

On the bell, Bro laid down on the mat, and Joe ran in for the cover. The referee waas stunned for a second but ran in and began to count. After the two-count Joe sat back, explaining that he needed a "Golden Bro" so he could beat him properly. Bro said "that's the Joe I'm looking for" and hit Joe with a Big Boot, then two shoulder blocks, knocking him to the mat all three times. A final shoulder block did so again, and he went in to pick up Joe for a Silver Splash. However, he heard footsteps from the top of the ramp and saw Pete holding Tina who was taking her first steps. Joe took advantage and locked in the Full Golden, calling him "Schitzel Bro". Joe's will to win was incredibly strong, and despite Bro's belief that the old Joe was still in there, Joe was squeezing too hard. Seeing Tina watching him with wide eyes, Bro tapped out and let Joe win.

"Golden Joe" played again as the winner gloated and celebrated. Pete made his way down the ramp and put Tina into the ring, who toddled over to Bro. Pete rested a hand on Joe's shoulder and smiled the happiest smile Joe had ever seen, before saying "my son".

### CBW Championship

For the no holds barred title unification match, in which the City British Championship and Canadian Battle Championship would be unified, Mable Syrup came down the ramp in a canoe with many animals. The ring had been surrounded by rainwater to create a river, and she skilfully navigated the rocks formed by various people. She docked the canoe, fed the animals a bit, slauted, and waited in the ring. The Denimatrix stepped out wearing a mountie uniform made of denim, flanked by Sargeant Beaver Bark and Stable Stirrup, and walked down to stand in exactly the same pose as Mable was in.

Denim presented a denim cake, but Mable smashed it into the floor. The cage lowered itself around the ring, trapping them inside, and Mable took the mic. Despite Mable's annoyances, she spoke of the long difficult winters in Canada, and that maybe it was time for Denim to have a "long hard fall". Slipping up, she said everybody from Canada Water would be spitting on her grave, and she became angry at Denim's incessant clapping.

On the bell, Denim went straight in for a lock-up and followed up with a classic headlock. This was technically perfect and was followed up with a stunner which was the best one seen in CBW. The fall knocked of Mable's hat as well as her wig. Mable froze and went red. Parents shielded their kids' eyes in the audience. She finally rolled her neck, cracked her knuckles, threw the wig into the crowd. Denim tried to presuade Mable to speak her real name, but she refused and went for the Loonies, Toonies and Boonies. Unfortunately, she missed. Denim tried a clothesline and knocked Denim to the mat before going for a splash, knocking the wind out of Mable. Denim twisted Mable's ankles up for a submission lock. Mable looked for SBB and Stable's help; the two had their paws and hooves over their mouths, but would not help her. More persuasion for Mable to say her name ensued, but Mable took her syrup super soaker gun and fired it into Denim's face. Having escaped from the lock, Mable ripped Denim's denim clothes off with brute force and put it on herself before saluting. Denim tried another headlock then threw Mable into the ropes, but Mable swept Denim's legs on the rebound. After succeding with an incredible attempt at a Double Down, assured that she knew who she was, Mable picked up Denim by the scruff, punched her twice, kissed her on the forehead and mouth, and then threw her back down. She hooked Denim's leg, looked up at her animal friends, and won after the three count.

The cage rose as Mable picked up her wig and shook out the baby chipmunks that had been birthed in it. She cleaned herself up a little, said to Denim "I know who *I* am", and began to walk up the ramp. QC was waiting at the top. He congratulated her as the worthy champion and gave her the title belt. Mable practically ignored him, and whistled for her dog. SBB bounded over to her side and she gave him a biscuit. Stable also came to her when beckoned by a whistle; she gave him a sugar lump. QC said "that's what we like to see."