Arby's vs. Capriotti's vs. Jersey Mike's with Michael Cassady and Paul Rust

"Arby's vs. Capriotti's vs. Jersey Mike's with Michael Cassady and Paul Rust" is Episode 343 of *Doughboys*, hosted by Nick Wiger and Mike Mitchell. "Arby's vs. Capriotti's vs. Jersey Mike's with Michael Cassady and Paul Rust" was released on March 31, 2022.

## Synopsis

It's the finale of **Munch Madness 2022: The Tournament of Chompions: Hero's Journey: Sub-Optimal**! Michael Cassady and Paul Rust of Don't Stop Or We'll Die get too silly with the 'boys as they determine who will take home the Dave Thomas Cup. Plus, the Heart of a Chompion is awarded to a special guest.

[*This episode was recorded as a live digital experience (live stream) two days before it was released as a podcast, on March 29, 2022.* -ed.]

## Nick's intro

One month ago, eight national sandwich chains began an ate-mazing journey to determine who has the most toothsome breadstacks in all of fast food! Via Commissioner Susser's Sub-stitution, two additional chains came into the breach, shaking up the competition like a sad salad in a plastic container!

Now, after four playoff matches and the conclusion of the loser's bracket, Fat Chance Kitchen: Salad Days Aren't Over, a triforce of eateries remain to compete for the most prestigious award in chain-restaurant podcasting, the Dave Thomas Cup!

Can Jersey Mike's continue its start-to-finish Munch Madness dominance, joining the ranks of New Jersey's elite like Bruce Springsteen, Tony Soprano, and Zach Braff?

Will Arby's, pushed along by Pusha T's new single, ride its Horsey Sauce across the finish line in first place?

And what the fuck is Capriotti's?!

Whose submarine should stay submerged?

And which nominee will emerge as most nom-worthy?

Whose hoagies are going to Rogie?

Tonight, a Chompion will be crowned!

This week on *Doughboys*, the Finale of **Munch Madness 2022: The Tournament of Chompions: Hero's Journey: Sub-Optimal**: Arby's *vs*. Capriotti's *vs.* Jersey Mike's!

*Let's a-go!*

## Statement from The Commissioner

This must not remain the case for long.
I am hereby invoking my power as Commissioner to demand an instant elimination as soon as the guests are introduced. One of these chains will be instantly eliminated in a flash poll.
Speaking of the guests, Michael Cassady and Paul Rust. I am well aware of their reputation. This is a serious night. That is why I am not only invoking the "no silly" rule and bringing in a guest Stern Dad to keep an eye on you guys during the show.

## Instant Elimination

If the Instant Elimination is a tie, it goes to Susser and Emma together to decide. If they tie, they try to get a hold of Yusong to break that tie. If they cannot reach Yusong, Mitch makes the decision.

 Mike Mitchell
 Paul Rust
 Michael Cassady

Thus, Arby's is immediately eliminated from the Finale! This devastates Wiger, who was hoping Arby's would win.

## Hero's Journey: Sub-Optimal rules

Here are the rules for this year's Tournament of Chompions:

1. Sandwiches only! Sides stay on the sidelines, drinks are in the stink, chips get the slip, cookies are ookie, and soup's OFF.
2. We are in a pickle: Pickles are eligible!
3. If it's national, it's rational: Chains must have locations across the US. This also excludes local LA chains.
4. I like Ike: due to personal conflicts, Ike's has been removed from the tournament. (The Doughboys are friendly with Ike.)
5. Some heroes are self-made: Customization is encouraged.
6. We run hot and cold: one hot sandwich and one cold sandwich from each eatery.
7. You can request extra napkins.
8. Guests don't have to follow the rules.
9. Mrs. Mitchell can ground Wiger if necessary.
10. If there's a tie, Emma will break it.
11. Nick and Mitch each get one permaban per tournament.
12. Susser can substitute one chain for another if he wants.
13. The D'angelo Addendum: If you get a slider at a restaurant, you get to decide if said slider is good enough to be that chain's mascot.

## Finale

Despite being Instantly Eliminated (see above), Nick's abject sadness over that outcome led to the others eventually allowing it back in the discussion, in defiance of The Commissioner's orders.

	+ extra American Cheese
	+ Yellow Mustard
* Cole Turkey
	+ Extra Cheese
* #10 Tuna Fish
	+ Mike's Way
	+ add Cheese, Mayo, Cherry Pepper Relish
 Mike Mitchell
* The Hot Bobbie
* Homemade Meatball
* Homemade Tuna
* Cool Ranch Doritos
* Chocolate Chip Cookie
* #11 Stickball Special (Mini)
	+ Mike's Way
	+ add Banana Peppers, Pickles, Cherry Pepper Relish
	+ Wheat Bread
* #44 Buffalo Chicken Cheese Steak
* Flamin' Hot Cool Ranch Doritos
* Brownie
* Butterscotch Krimpets Tastykake
* Classic French Dip & Swiss
* Jalapeno Bacon Ranch Chicken Wrap
* Crinkle Fries
* Horsey Sauce
* Arby's Sauce
 Paul Rust
* Classic Italian
* #13 The Original Italian
 Michael Cassady

Rust and Cassady shared their sandwich orders.

## Hero's Journey: Sub-Optimal Chompion!

Next, The Doughboys decide decide which sandwich gets sent to Joe Rogan (a hoagie to Rogy) and are so good, they change his mind about vaccines (or to make him stand strong as an anti-vaxxer).

 Mike Mitchell
 Paul Rust
 Michael Cassady

Congratulations to Jersey Mike's!

## Heart of a Chompion

As they do every Tournament, the Doughboys recognize one individual, brand, or thing which contributes to the Tournament.

Some of the nominees for Munch Madness 2022: Arby's, bánh mìs, soup, hot dogs, Chris Rock, and Nick's broken toilet.

However, this year, the **Heart of a Chompion** goes to Mitch's foes: the Italians!

The President of the Italian Anti-Defamation League, Luigi Gennaro, accepts the award on their behalf. Luigi is the brother of Mario, head of the Italian Tourism Board, who appeared on this episode.

## "I Eat A Hero" by Nick Wiger

And where are all the sides
Where's the footlong submarine to fill us hungry guys?
Isn't there a grinder with veggies, meats, and cheese?
Late at night, I drool and I lick
And I dream of how I feed

I eat a hero!
I'm hoagie up for a hero till my work breaks for lunch
It's gotta be long and it's gotta be stuffed
And it's gotta be ready to munch
I eat a hero!
I'm hoagie up for a hero that's as big a log!
It's gotta have works and it's gotta have juice
And be larger than Mitch's hog!
Than Mitch's hog!*

## Quotes

**Paul**: Is that the equivalent of jacking off before a date?