Cold Ramen: S01E09

Swimming Pool Skirmish is the ninth episode of Cold Ramen. The episode is about Club Lords Clubbo and Pimpy waging war on the Food Colony to build a swimming pool. The episode takes place in The Before Times, in its twenty-first year.

The Club Lord's desire for a swimming pool causes a multi-colony war.

## The Episode

(The party is jumping in the Club Colony. The massive party lights the night sky with flashing and rotating lights of every color. Inside of the large building in the center of the colony, Club Lord Clubbo is standing with Club Lord Pimpy. They are looking out a window, watching the grand dance floor below.

clubbo, we are doing great for ourselves, amirite?

Damn right, Pimpy.

the party's jumpin', the ladies are percolatin', and the drinks are bottomless! man im feelin' good!

That's what I like to hear!

(the two gods clink glasses of margaritas as the door to their private room is opened. a hulking man in a black bouncer shirt steps in)

My Lords, some men are here to see you.

Right on time, gentlemen. Let's get this party started!

(four men in suits are ushered into the room.)

(clubbo, pimpy, and the men have a seat at a round table with a disco ball hanging above it. one of the men opens a suitcase and begins dispersing packets of paper)

As we all know, we are here to discuss a dire situation...the colony's budget.

the budget? maaaan we've been on top of that, ain't that right clubbo?

Bingo. We've shut down every rehab clinic in the realm and no longer outsource our employee training from the Sex Colony.

yeah! if you wanna shake that ass in our club, you gotta get that training here!

Yes, my lords, we've seen that. Our problem is now that we have an abundance of money, and nothing to do with it! We were hoping you would know what to do.

(clubbo and pimpy look at each other. a smile slowly creeps on their faces)

We have an idea, alright. We're thinking...

(pimpy grabs a pen and begins scribbling on his paper before slamming it on the table)

WHAT DO YA THINK OF THAT, BITCHES??

(the men examine the paper)

Is that a...potato with a flag sticking out of it?

WHAT? NO, LEMME TRY AGAIN

(he takes the paper and tries again, slamming it down)

ITS A GODDAMN SWIMMING POOL, MAN!!!

(everyone ohhs)

Yep, and not just any swimming pool! The biggest swimming pool in not only the Club Colony...but ON ALL OF BETA EARTH!!

think of the possibilities! ocean sized pool parties! an underwater club...

My lords, your ingenuity knows no bounds! I believe I speak for all of us when I say we are all in agreement.

(the other men nod among each other. one raises his hand.)

I-I mean I was thinking we could bring back at least one rehabilitation center. Y'know, a lot of people lost the help they needed to recover from their addictions, including my br--

OH MY GOD STEVE WERE NOT BRINGING THE REHABS BACK! LET IT DIE!

(steve droops his head)

Anyways...your excellencies, where do you want to place this mighty swimming pool?

(Clubbo snaps his fingers and a bouncer in the corner of the room places a map of the Rift on the table. To the right of the Club Colony is a cornucopia filled with buildings shaped like food. It has a red x on it.)

so yeah clubbo and i were thinking that we just annex the shiznog outta...whatever that thing is!

My Pimpiness, that thing is the Food Colony!

...the food colony? man what the FUCK there are food gods??

(everyone in the room nods)

man whatever man, i got better things to do than think about which stupid ass gods i gotta share breathin' room with! war time baby!

Pimpy, war is not the way of the Club Gods. We should head over there and try to negotiate first.

aw come on man! i got my guns ready and everything, man! i'm ready to kill for this! i got the Big Pimpin' ready and everything!

(Clubbo looks at Pimpy, who eventually backs down.)

alright fine, we'll go talk to the breakfast club...

...

(In the Food Colony, Food Lords Snacko and Cooko are in their throne room. The room is split in half, with one side designed like a convenience store, and the other half designed like a kitchen and restaurant combined. Two throne stand next to each other at the end of the room.)

Alright, food for thought, Cooko! A glazed donut, covered in batter and triple fried in bacon fat! We'll call it...the Snack Attack!

(cooko stares at snacko, dumbfounded)

**Snacko, the obesity rate of the Food Colony is up by 12%, and you want to pedal that SLOP in the streets?!**

Aw, come on, it's gonna be delicious!

**Some of our royal guard are complaining we don't have chestplates in XXXXL!**

(an overweight man in watermelon armor barges in through the front door. he is clearly out of breath)

MY GOURDS....A MATTER.....OF DEEP....URGENCY...

(cooko looks at snacko)

What? So he's a little chubby, nothing wrong with that! What's going on, Watermelon Warrior?

WAS...PATROLLING...GATES...CLUBBO...PIMPY...APPROACHING

**Come on man, spit it out!**

I think what he's trying to say is that while he was patrolling the gates, Clubbo and Pimpy were approaching the Colony!

**Oh gods, those simpletons? Their taste in food is awful! Chicken wings this, fries that!**

Don't be like that, Cooko! Let's set some tables and break bread with the neighbors! When did you see them?

Half...an hour ago...

**The gates are like 10 minutes away, you fatass! If it took you that long to get here, then--**

YEAH THATS RIGHT, THE MACK DADDIES HAVE ARRIVED!

(clubbo and pimpy saunter into the throne room, looking about. they are flanked by bouncers. one of them steps forward.)

PRESENTING THEIR ROYAL HOTNESSES, CLUB LORDS CLUBBO AND PIMPY!!

How's it going, guys! You must be famished after all that travel! Snack Attack?

hes tryna kill us, man! man, i told you we shoulda come in guns ablazin, clubbo!!

Relax, Pimpy. The situation's under control. Greetings, Food Lords! We have come with a proposition.

(cooko strokes his mustache)

**Go on...**

Pimpy here and I have been thinking about doing some expansion, and your colony is the perfect place to do our business! And with your cooperation, we'll create the biggest swimming pool in ALL OF BETA EARTH!!!!

(snacko shakes giddily)

Awesome! Where do you wanna put it?

(cooko hits him in the back of the head)

**Where do you think, Snacko?! They're gonna dump their pool here!**

Aw come on, you didn't even let them finish!

no he got it right, we're gonna tear down this whole joint and build us a mega pool! its gonna be jumpin' and pumpin', baby!

Alright, so what's in it for us?

You guys get the pool on Sundays! Just be sure to clean it by Monday.

**Do you honestly believe we would go along with a deal as stupid as that?**

Think about it, Cooko! You could make a lotta soup with all that water!

**SNACKO THEYRE GONNA DESTROY THE COLONY, WHERE AM I GONNA KEEP ALL THE INGREDIENTS TO MAKE A SOUP?!**

look suckas, you got two options here. get down, or lay down! and when you lay down, you stay down!

**Is this a declaration of war?**

Yeah, Pimpy's got the jist of it.

damn right, imma show you why they call me pimpy! see the back of my hand, ive sent hoe after hoe to the afterlife with this hand!

(cooko rolls his eyes)

**How about you two eat a bag of dicks? Your stupid Club Colony is full of alcoholics, there's not a chance you'll beat us!**

CLUBBO YOU HEARIN' THIS FOOL SPEAK?! I THINK ITS TIME THAT THE BOYS AN' I LAY DOWN THE LAW! PIMPY'S LAW!

(cooko whistles with his fingers and the rest of the food colony royal guard file in behind him.)

MAN WHAT THE FUCK, I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE FOOD COLONY, WHATS WITH ALL THOSE WEAPONS???

Oh no, Pimpy, I think we upset them. It's time we leave.

yeah this place is lame anyway! no strobe lights, no cocktails, its a dystopia in here!

**Yeah, that's what I thought, you better run!**

(clubbo and pimpy depart)

man I told you, man! we shoulda come in locked and loaded! take a bite outta them food suckas!

They're right, though. Years of good times have eroded the colony's strength. If we're gonna win this war, we're gonna need some power on our side. Some...sex power.

no...you're not sayin'...

Yup. Let's give Finnigan a visit.

...

(In the Sex Colony, Cocko stands outside the gates, Dicko by his side and his sex-men close behind. Clubbo and Pimpy approach, alone.)

Cocko...you look well. Rigid and girthy as always.

Yeah, yeah, I got a big dick and wrecking ball nuts. What did you want to meet for, I left my orgy for this!

peep this, clubbo and i wanna turn the food colony into a giant swimming pool! but those fuckers are fighting back! streets are talking, and they can't see us looking soft!

And I should care about this, why?

If you join our cause, we'll partition the pool. You can have it every other Tuesday and Thursday. Think of the possibilities!

(cocko ponders this)

Oooh...underwater sex....

man whats wrong with you? we offer you the deal of a lifetime and all you can think about is sex?!

(dicko steps forward)

You watch your tone when speaking to Daddy Cocko!

you wanna throw down?! maaan i knew i never shoulda hired a crazy bitch like you at the club!

Pimpy, please.

(cocko thinks some more)

...Alright, I agree! You'll have the Sex Colony's support. We'll unleash Jizzhad on the Food Colony! Now let's seal the deal with some sex! Ever gotten head from a woman with no teeth?

(the gods continued to talk as they entered the sex colony)

...

(cooko is in his throne room, carefully basting a turkey when snacko barges into the throne room, panicking. a parchment is in his hand.)

Cooko! We've got trouble!

**What is it this time?**

The Club Gods aren't playing around! Now they have the Sex Colony on their side!

**The Club and Sex Colonies are working together? After what Cocko did to them?**

They really want that pool, Cooko! What do we do?!

**We get our own allies, obviously!**

Great idea! How about the Time Colony?

**Clocko's too calm, too indecisive. We need a god of action. We need...Ballo.**

...

(the sports colony is shaped like a giant colosseum, with the colony's infrastructure housed within. snacko and cooko are escorted into a dark and empty soccer arena by guards in football gear.)

*LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS! SPORTS LORDS BALLO AND MITTO HAVE A SPECIAL EVENT HERE FOR YOU TODAY! HAILING FROM THE FOOD COLONY AND HERE TO PAY THE SPORTS COLONY A DIPLOMATIC VISIT, GIVE IT UP FOR...SNACKO AND COOKO!!*

(all of the arena's lights turn on simultaneously, revealing that the arena is packed with sports colony citizens. ballo and mitto stand at the center of the field. the crowd goes wild)

Wow! Talk about a warm welcome!

**Thank you for meeting with us, Sports Lords. Did you really have to make everyone attend the meeting, though?**

*OF COURSE, COOKO! JUST LOOK AT BALLO'S ADORING FANS! THEY LOVE ATTENDING EVENTS OF ALL KINDS!*

(the people cheer even more. mitto laugh jovially)

You guys shoulda seen the crowd I drew when I took a dump!

*BALLO CHUCKLES AT MITTO'S COMMENT! BALLO THEN NARROWS HIS GAZE, PUTTING ON HIS BUSINESS FACE! HE WISHES TO KNOW THE OCCASION FOR THE FOOD LORD'S VISIT! HE RECALLS COOKO SAYING THAT IT WAS A MATTER OF GREAT IMPORTANCE!*

**Those hacks Clubbo and Pimpy want to take over the Food Colony and turn our home into a giant swimming pool! And they're getting help from the Sex Colony!**

BALLO NODS UNDERSTANDINGLY! HE SEES THE FOOD LORDS' PLIGHT! AT THE SAME TIME, HOWEVER, BALLO CANNOT HELP BUT FANTASIZE ABOUT WATER POLO IN A POOL OF THAT SIZE!

We haven't had a war in a while, glad someone's shaking things up! Although I would've thought it would be the Time and Sex Colonies fighting.

**If Clubbo's ballsy enough to fight us for a pool, think of what he could do to other colonies!**

Good thing we're here, then! It's about time we played some real sports!

Oh, shoot! Mitto's gonna go all basketball-soccer-football on them!

**So can we count on the Sports Colony in the war?**

*BALLO PUTS AN ARM AROUND COOKO REASSURINGLY!*

*(ballo puts an arm around cooko)*

*HE SAYS THAT THE FOOD AND SPORTS COLONIES HAVE ALWAYS LOOKED OUT FOR ONE ANOTHER! HE THEN SAYS THAT AS LONG AS BREAD AND CIRCUS GO TOGETHER, THE FOOD COLONY WILL ALWAYS HAVE BALLO'S EAR! BALLO WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREES WITH ALLYING AGAINST THE CLUB AND SEX COLONIES! COCKO HAS THE NERVE TO CONSIDER SEX AN INDOOR SPORT, AN ACT WHICH BALLO HIMSELF CONSIDERS BLASPHEMY!*

Now that that's settled, let's discuss strategy! I know just where to attack!

...

(clubbo, pimpy, cocko and dicko are at the club, enjoying drinks at the bar above the club)

Cocko, we may have had our differences, but in the end, you came through for us in our time of need.

It'll all be worth it. We are gonna have so much water sex in that pool!

(Dicko puts her arm around Cocko)

I'm already wet thinking about it!

aw come on not on the couch!

Although, it's gonna be a lot of pool for one colony!

What's that supposed to mean? You're only getting 4 days a month!

Not anymore! TO ME, MY SEX-MEN!

(a vagina shaped portal opens up in the middle of the dance floor, cocko's forces coming out of it. Everyone on the dance floor began to scream and panic. the bouncers trying in vain to fight back)

cocko what the hell is this?! we had a deal, man!

Yeah, and now I'm screwing you out of it! It's kinda what I do!

(Dicko summoned her dildo spear and aimed it at Clubbo and Pimpy)

This is bullshit, man! I trusted you! We spit-roasted some bitch a few hour ago! Does that mean nothing to you?!

Look, I couldn't pass up the opportunity! When else will you get invited into the court of a weakened colony, while waging war on another even weaker colony? Once I'm through taking over your land, I'll take the Food Colony as well!

(suddenly, the doors to the club opened, soldiers in a mishmash of sports gear charging in. they began engaging the sex-men in battle, with the club colony bouncers joining in.)

Wait WHAT?! What's the Sports Colony doing here?!

(cooko, snacko, ballo, and mitto storm in, weapons drawn. cooko and snacko wielded pots and pans, ballo fired baseballs from a cannon, and Mitto bashed skulls with a baseball bat.)

Oh shit oh shit OH SHIT THIS IS NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO!

(while cocko and dicko are distracted, Clubbo gets up and points his palms at the duo, blasting them with a flash of purple light. they fly out the window and tumble to the dance floor below.)

Pimpy, it's time!

big pimpin'?

Big Pimpin.

(meanwhile below, cocko and dicko recover from their fall, just as the Food and Sports gods happen upon them.)

I knew the alliance wouldn't last! Pay up, Ballo!

*A DOWNTRODDEN BALLO LAMENTS HIS BAD LUCK!*

Woah woah woah, fellas! I think we can work something out! Dicko here can suck a golf ball through a hose!

**Nobody here wants your sloppy seconds, Cocko!**

(As Cocko rose to his feet, he raised his hands up and pink tendrils of energy came from his hands and entered the gods. All of their eyes turned pink and they dropped their weapons.)

Now I've got you under my control! Your lust makes you my slaves! What's my name?

(all 4 gods spoke in unison)

Big Daddy Cocko!

That's right! Now passionately make out while I go finish off Clubbo and Pimpy!

(unbeknownst to the sex lord, pimpy was sneaking behind him, an oversized black and purple metal gauntlet on his right hand. he cocked it back.)

HEY COCKO! I GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YA RIGHT HERE!

(when the Sex Lord turned around, he caught a vicious backhand clean in the face. the attack sent Cocko hurtling through a wall of the club. Snacko grimaced.)

So that's the legendary backhand you were telling us about!

(the vagina portal opened up next to the hole Cocko flew through. he stumbled back into the club.)

Sex-men....retreat!

(cocko's routed forced made their escape through the portal, cocko staring down the gods as they did.)

This isn't over! I'm gonna take this stupid club, the Food Colony, Sports, EVERYTH--OW MY FACE!

(once everyone was through, cocko made his escape. clubbo arrived on the bottom floor, looking around at the chaos. The club was in shambles.)

Ah come on, the club's all messed up!

*BALLO SHAKES HIS HEAD AT CLUBBO'S FOLLY. HE POINTS OUT THAT THIS TENDS TO HAPPEN WHEN YOU MAKE DEALS WITH SHADY PEOPLE LIKE COCKO.*

Yeah yeah, whatever. All I wanted was a pool to call my own! A giant pool, the size of an entire colony...floaties everywhere...

yeah man, we're just two gods chasing the dream! is one stinkin' pool too much to ask for?

**If you're gonna destroy our colony, yes!**

Look you two, we're sorry for waging war on you. We cool?

**Hell no! You tried destroying our home!**

What if we gave you year-long passes to every club in the colony?

(snacko nodded enthusiastically.)

All is forgiven! Let's hit up a club! Not this one though...too much blood.

(cooko rolls his eyes and looks to Ballo and Mitto.)

**Thanks for the help, you two. Dinner's on me at the Food Colony!**

*BALLO EAGERLY ACCEPTS COOKO'S OFFER! HE HOPES THAT THERE WILL BE LOTS OF HOT DOGS SERVED AT THE CELEBRATORY DINNER!*

(the Sports Colony Soldiers cheer and exit the club as Snacko and the Club gods leave to search for another club.)