Fake TPOT 46: We Can Sail, We Can Sail/part 4

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"**We Can Sail, We Can Sail**" is the non-canon forty-sixth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 17 July 1989. Since TPOT 2 has already been released, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

Author's note: Last part! It's like a normal episode of *Fake TPOT*... only on steroids. Rightly so, however; I've had this in my mind for a very long time.

Author's note #2: Let me just tell you that if TPOT were not a competition season and only focused on the lives of Pencil and Pen... this would absolutely be the last episode.

Next episode: "And Your Name Is..." (part of "Pencil? Two? Oh.")

## Contest, part 7 (cont'd)

### **All the World's a Contest**

**Scene**The setting of this episode's challenge.
#### Station #36 (PI, RE)

[**Pin** *and* **Remote** *arrive at the mini-challenge of episode 36, where* **PDA** *and* **Telavelha** *await them. Naturally,* **Profily** *is also there, as the nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1985**

* **P****D****A**: Alright, so in this challenge all you've got to do is eliminate Profily.
* **T****e****l****avel****h****a**: It's not that difficult; I saw it on television two times!
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Tellis?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Eliminate Profily, is it? [*to Pin*] I saw Teardrop do this once.

[*Remote throws* **Profily** *off the structure.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! This is worse than the time I found X sitting on sand made of his number lover!
* **P****i****n**: Well done, Remote! Now that we know there's a trampoline at the bottom of this thing, I don't have to feel guilty about this thing that I didn't even do!

[*Exeunt.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: [*off-screen*] You're mistaken... no trampoline can found here!

#### Station #37 (PI, RE)

[**Remote** *and* **Pin** *come across a natural landscape full of bushes and rocks.* **Bok**, **Jie** *and* **Income Tax Return Document** *are standing amidst the nature.* *The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1986**

* **P****i****n**: Wow, I like what you did with the bushes.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I feel like I am outside.
* **B****o****k**: So you like it? I did it myself. [*looks at the others*]
* **Income T****ax Return** **Document**: I don't want to waste taxpayers' and donors' money on frivolous stuff like plants; that's what Western movies are for. You don't even need a TV licence to watch one.
* **Jie**: [*rolling her eyes*] *Wamarekani...*
* **B****o****k**: Anyway, in this challenge you just have to get the most points.
* **P****i****n**: But how can we do that?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Don't you remember Two saying that the points are gone? Because we must amass as many points as possible, all we can possibly get is nothing.
* **P****i****n**: She logics.
* **B****o****k**: We don't mean actually getting points that can have an impact on the competition, but this. Taxy, if you please.
* **Income T****ax Return** **Document**: Oh, right.

[*ITRD overturns a rock and picks up a number 7 from underneath it.*]

* **Income T****ax Return** **Document**: And there's plenty more where that came from.

[*Pin looks behind one of the bushes and pulls out a 0.*]

* **P****i****n**: I got a 0!
* **B****o****k**: Good job, Pin!
* **P****i****n**: [*going*] That should be enough, right?
* **B****o****k**: Technically it's not, but I'm willing to let you go to the next station. You have been very helpful for a small part of my life.

[*Remote takes a 2 from a vine.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I found a number 2.
* **B****o****k**: Do you mean that as in you found "a number 2" or you found "a number too"?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes. /j
* **P****i****n**: That's perfect!
* **B****o****k**: Well, actually, er... 2 isn't a perfect number.
* **Income T****ax Return** **Document**: Not *now*, Bok!
* **P****i****n**: Remote, are you coming along?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, I think I'll stay behind. After all, that's what this challenge is for, not to mention I could really use these numbers for my apartment.
* **P****i****n**: Alright, see you soon!

[*Exit.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Numbers. Need to find more.

#### Station #1 (PC)

[*Enter* **Pencil**. *By now, all four contestant helpers are taking a nap.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh bother, now I've got to start this thing all over again.

[*She goes, but stops as she sees Eraser drooling in his sleep.*]

* **Eraser**: [*sleep-talking*] Ooooom. Yeah-hah. Maaaaaatch. [*snoring noise*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: I wonder what force beyond our control gave Eraser all the "sleeping munter" genes.

[*Pencil tries to climb up the papier-mâché hotel without waking anybody up.*]

#### Station #32 (BH)

[**Black Hole** *is still at this station.* **Match** *lies on the ground, seemingly unconscious, while* **Pie** *has her left fist raised. It is implied that she gave Match a good slugging between this and the last scene.* **Conch Shell**, *of course, remains indifferent.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Good job, Pie.
* **C****onch** **S****h****e****l****l**: You know, if Two suddenly shows up at this station, they'll probably think you hit her or something.
* **Pi****e**: Please, Conchita, I don't believe in hitting. [*lowers her arm*] My organic, countercultural perfume does wonders on valley tools.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Now I can move on, right?
* **Pi****e**: Well, you didn't do nothing, but... yes.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Thanks, guys.

[*Exit.*]

* **Ma****tch**: [*still on the floor*] We're... girls.

#### Station #33 (BH)

[**Black Hole** *floats by this station.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*going*] Price Tag, Puffball, TV.
* **L****e****e****k**: And me!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh. You too, Leek.
* **L****e****e****k**: #timetravellerleeks!

#### Station #34 (BH)

[**Black Hole** *floats by this station as well.*]

* **Puffball**: Black Hole!
* **Y****o****n**: 좋아, 여기에도 다리가 없는 다른 사람이 있다. [*Subtitles: "Good, another person without legs."*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hope you don't mind my going by too quickly, but...

[*As Black Hole floats through the station, his gravity colours all of the squares on the floor dark blue.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: This had to be done.

[*Exit.*]

* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: [*calling after him*] No, you're good! I would've done the same if I had as much gravitational influence with me!

#### Station #38 (PI)

[**Pin** *enters the thirty-eighth station alone. There she meets* **Golf Ball** *as well as* **Relevant Events Calendar** *("Rec-y") and* **Cagie**. *The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1986**

* **P****i****n**: Uhhhh... this is difficult. I don't think anyone got this question right.
* **Golf Ball**: I did!
* **P****i****n**: Oh, that's right, didn't you get the most points in that episode or something?
* **Golf Ball**: [*bitterly*] I won't tell you.
* **P****i****n**: Not even a hint?
* **Golf Ball**: No! And don't you say that I am bitter for being eliminated, because I'm not!
* **C****agi****e**: Come on, GB, let her through. Like you said, you're eliminated, so you can basically do whatever you want.
* **Rele****va****nt Events Cale****ndar**: Yeah, and sometimes math is the only answer.
* **Golf Ball**: Oh, fine. Alright. But only because I must not disagree with mathematics.
* **P****i****n**: Yay, thanks, GB! [*going*] And I'm glad you're not bitter!

[*Exit.*]

#### Station #8 (PC)

[**Pencil**, *certainly now in last place, has already made it to the eighth station. Her feet are covered in Rocky's vomit, as she has offended his guardians at the last station once again.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*running through the station*] I don't like doing this!

#### Station #39 (PI)

[**Pin** *enters a rather large scale model of the Fovitwe that spans this station and the next. She looks around in confusion at the model and at the actual Fovitwe, where the contest has taken place since the episode the model represents. At the station are* **Winner**, **Onigiri** *and* **Bicycle Bell**. *The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1986**

* **P****i****n**: Um... [*pointing at the sign*]
* **Winner**: Yeah, we couldn't get Loser to come here.
* **Bicycle B****ell**: He never had a chance of joining the show.
* **Winner**: Bicy!
* **Bicycle B****ell**: You know what I mean.
* **Winner**: [*sighs*] Suppose I do. But I guess I can be a good stand-in for Loser... right?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*from the other station*] Hi, Winner!
* **P****i****n**: You know, I'm no decorator, but I do know that one stone can do wonders for an apartment.
* **Winner**: Stones, eh? I never knew you were into that.
* **P****i****n**: No, that was Coiny. Besides, I was talking about this one.

[*Pin picks up a stone from the previous station and lays it down next to the model "flat" with her name on it.*]

* **Onig****iri**: [*indicating the stone*] 石！
* **P****i****n**: Hey, Winner, since you're the surrogate Loser, would you say that this decor is enough for me to move on to the next station?
* **Winner**: Hmm... I'd say yes, or as some of my ancestors said, так!
* **P****i****n**: Thank you!

[*Exit.*]

#### Station #40 (PI)

[**Pin** *goes to the opposite side of the model Fovitwe, the setting of the fortieth contest. She is met with* **Clock**, **Kosrae**, **ʻUkulele** *and* **Sigune**. *The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1987**

* **C****l****o****c****k**: "These people". Puh.
* **Ko****s****r****ae**: Hello, Pin!
* **P****i****n**: Hi, you four.
* **Sigune**: In this challenge, you must find a way to get at least one of us to go through the doors.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I must warn you, it's going to be very difficult.
* **ʻ****Uku****le****le**: Good luck with him, Pin.
* **P****i****n**: You're not really trying to resist going through the door, are you?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: If I didn't, I would be making the whole challenge unnecessarily easier for you, and that would be a clear and direct violation of the *TPOT Game Rules*—

[*Kosrae pushes Clock through his own door.*]

* **Ko****s****r****ae**: Did it!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Uh...
* **ʻ****Uku****le****le**: That is one tough tita.
* **P****i****n**: Thanks, Kosrae!
* **Ko****s****r****ae**: It was nothing.

[*Exit* **Pin**. *Sigune gets up and pushes Clock through the other side of the door. She high-fives Kosrae and ʻUkulele.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*scoffs*] I don't get no respect.

#### Station #41 (PI → RE)

[*Moving away from the Fovitwe model,* **Pin** *goes to the next station, whose floor resembles a giant YeFone—the object of the the forty-first challenge. There she is greeted by* **Quaddy**, **Theola** *and* **Whaxa**, *playing* *(anachronistically in the other direction) on their YeFones. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1987**

* **P****i****n**: Huh. Isn't Indus-Gram, like, a dying art?
* **Wha****x****a**: Shh, we're the most famous TPOT rejects on there!
* **Th****e****ol****a**: For now, until the next big thing comes up. Then we can unplug!
* **P****i****n**: How, uh, fascinating. You wouldn't be offended if I typed something really short here, would you?
* **Q****ua****d****dy**: Of course not. Who are we, the YeFone police?
* **Wha****x****a**: But remember, everything you enter here will be posted to your own account.
* **P****i****n**: Then I'll make it sweet too. I'm sure people who actually sit down and watch the show will understand what I mean when I do this.

[*Pin tiptoes to the "H" on the keyboard and steps on the "I" next to it. Then she jumps on the envelope icon, thus making a post on the* **PinNguyen46** *account: "hi".*]

* **Q****ua****d****dy**: Congratulations, Pin.
* **Th****e****ol****a**: You don't win anything, except, um... likes. Y'know, if they still have those these days.
* **Wha****x****a**: Shh!

[*Exit. Enter* **Remote**, *who is almost caught up with Pin.*]

#### Station #42 (PI → PI, RE → PI)

[*The station at which* **Pin** *arrives is twice the size of a "typical" station because it represents the two contests of the forty-second episode. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1987**

  Get a ball into a hole
**OR**
  guess a mystery word.

* **P****i****n**: Hi, guys!
* **G****r****e****g****g**: Τζαου μυγγ μπαν ντεν βοϊ τυ τακ! [*Subtitles: "Welcome to the challenge!"*]

[*Pin gasps in amazement.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Did you have to say that in her language?
* **G****r****e****g****g**: Come on, Tree, I only wanted to be nice.
* **P****i****n**: And you did a nice job, Gregg.

[*Gregg gives Tree a smug grin.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: I stand corrected and... slightly humiliated. Anyway, since Pen skipped his own challenge that he hosted himself, I'll be stepping in as host of this *STPOT* mini-contest.
* **O****r****p****h****a**: What do you suppose that makes me?
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, chiz, I'm sorry. Orpha'll be the second helper, sitting down while I do all the work. Meanwhile, Gregg will be manning the ball challenge.
* **P****i****n**: Can I do that one?
* **T****r****e****e**: No.
* **P****i****n**: Okay.
* **O****r****p****h****a**: Pin, I'll be your celebrity partner!
* **P****i****n**: You don't look much like a celebrity to me.
* **O****r****p****h****a**: But I am the daughter of two of them. Also, I've always wanted to be on the real show, y'know, the one in L.A., where you guys live when TPOT isn't on; but after it was cancelled, now my only true shot at fame is *The Price Is Right*.
* **P****i****n**: Uh, Orpha?
* **O****r****p****h****a**: Oh. Forgive me, I always get all talkative when the subject of contests comes up. I haven't even competed in BFDI until today. [*Pin looks at her.*] Okay. Your clue is... **delicacy**.
* **P****i****n**: **Pastry**?
* **O****r****p****h****a**: Ding ding ding! I've always wanted to be a sound effect, and in a past life I really think I was...

[*Enter* **Remote**.]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hi.
* **P****i****n**: Remote, thank goodness! [*turns around*]
* **O****r****p****h****a**: No, wait, don't turn around!
* **T****r****e****e**: G'day, Remote!
* **G****r****e****g****g**: Welcome to my ball challenge!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I hope that means what I think it means, man. /j
* **G****r****e****g****g**: [*handing her a rubber ball*] All you have to do is throw this ball into a hole.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Since you asked so honestly...

[*Remote throws the ball at* **Black Hole**, *who can be seen at Station #39. He sucks it up.*]

* **?**: Chomp.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Huh?
* **Bicycle B****ell**: *Touchdown!* [*Beat.*] I'm a cyclist; handegg is of no interest to me.

[*Back to scene.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You said throw it into a hole. He was the first hole I thought of.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: That is very romantic.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, it's not.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: Just kidding, mate. On with the course you go!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yay.

[*As* **Remote** *moves onto the next station, she ruffles Tree's leaves.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Brill fiancé. /s

## Subplot, part 7

### **Anchor's RaB**

**Scene****Pen** and the **kids** are still busy trying to find a way out of Anchor's boat rental pace without damaging his property. Unlike the previous scenes, there is an undertone of familial unity between the father and his children, rather than tension.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Did you find anything yet?
* **Y****es****a**: Nope. How 'bout you, Ita?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): No telephone in sight!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Y'know, this phone hunt would go a lot faster if Aunt Match was here to help.

[*Pen looks up for a second.*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): She's really good at that!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Don't forget Uncle Eraser!

[*Pen looks up again.*]

* **O****is** (Lou): [*climbing the wall*] And we can't ignore Uncle-who's-not-technically-our-uncle-but-because-we've-already-got-this-sort-of-relationship-is-called-that Tree and Other-uncle-we-don't-see-as-much-because-he's-still-in-the-competition Black—
* **P****en**: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, *Luigi, rallintati!* Chh. I wanted to talk to you about something.
* **O****is** (Lou): I'm trying to find a way through the vent system like on TV.
* **Y****es****a**: Can't this wait, Pen?
* **P****en**: That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you guys about.

[*View of the entire boat rental. All the children appear to be half-listening.*]

* **P****en**: See, in the last three months, I've noticed, um, that you guys sort of call everyone by a family name *but me*.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): That is categorically false, Mr. Schreiber!
* **P****en**: C'mon, Ivo, you call Kat your "Yiddishe bubbe". And she's not even my real mother!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): And your point *is?*
* **P****en**: Y- y'know, I'd appreciate it a bit if you called me what I want to be called. I mean, look at Yesa. Everyone calls her that, but your mom and I really wanted to name her *Carrie-Anne*, like the song that was popular when we were, um... [*blushes*]
* **Y****es****a**: Wait, I was named after a song? Huh.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): You still are named after a song. Can you boogie, or do you need a certain song for that?
* **Y****es****a**: Oh yeah. [*to Pen*] They let you name yourself at the birthing centre when you're ten or so.
* **P****en**: Anyway, all I want's for you to call me what you call your mother. But in boy form. 'Cause I'm a boy.
* **R****h****oza**: I could tell by your face when Mum got her pay packet last week.

[*The girls laugh. Yesa high-fives her.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Nice one!
* **P****en**: No, I mean... why don't you just call me Dad or Papà? Sure worked for mine.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): [*scoffs*] Once again, our freedoms are being reduced.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): If you want freedom so much, hippie girl, read a book!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Wait, Maxi, maybe he has a point. I mean, for the last few months, we've been treating Pen like... like a word I'm not allowed to say. But now we know he's a good guy who's worthy of being our father. I say we should call him Dad.
* **P****en**: [*jumps*] Yay, you're getting it!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): I'll start... Dad!

[*Pen smiles.*]

* **P****en**: I love the way it sounds. I'm a father, darn it!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Yeah, I agree with these people. I needed a famous partner for the father-daughter dance anyway to make everyone else jealous!
* **P****en**: That's the spirit! [*realizing*] Wait...
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Aww, so does this mean I can't call you Mr. Schreiber?
* **P****en**: Just 'cause I held a rod once in '74 doesn't make me a professor. Besides, do you call your mom Miss... uh...
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Triángolo?
* **P****en**: [*finger-guns him*] That's it.

[*Ivor shakes his head.*]

* **P****en**: Then I think it best if you did the same with me. [*serious*] And by the way, if I *were* a professor, you would never call me that. It's first-name basis all the way, pal. [*pats him on the back twice*]
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): You got it, sir– Pe– Father. [*laughs and returns to work*]
* **P****en**: So! [*claps*] What'd we learn here, kids?
* **Y****es****a**: You got us to start addressing you as a parent as a sign of respect, and somehow you got everyone here to agree with you.
* **P****en**: H'hoo, I got clout!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Everyone but Sol, I bet. He doesn't show anyone respect.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): [*off-screen*] Move, you stupid log! I've seen less useless versions of you in Barcelona at Christmas!
* **P****en**: What is that boy doing now?

[*Everyone rushes to the front of the cabin where they see Sol standing next to the logs that make up the lower part of the cabin. The log on top seems to have been moved a little.*]

* **P****en**: Ey, I thought I told you not to property-damage!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): What damage? I just saved the world!
* **P****en**: Gee, you did. I can see the light!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): [*holds onto Pen's leg*] Noooo, don't leave us yet, Dad! We like you now!
* **P****en**: No, Sam, check out the view!

[*Pen lifts Sam up so that he can see the small hole created by the log being spun.*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): I can see the light!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): What do you think, Pen, I mean, Dad... are we free? Can we leave this lameazoid boat dump once and for all?
* **P****en**: Y- I think. Sol, how'd you get that log to move?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): It was in my way.

[*He raises his fist. Pen lowers it.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): I'm really strong when I'm bothered.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): You're always bothered, S.V. In the *head!*
* **P****en**: Eyy, nice goin', slugger. But maybe I should do the rest, huh?

[*Pen pushes the other end of the log, but it doesn't move further.*]

* **P****en**: [*struggling*] This... is a toughie. I work out. I really do. You see me, right, gang?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Yeah, you're almost up to 60... grams. /s
* **O****is** (Lou): Here, Dad, let me help.
* **Y****es****a**: Ditto.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Haven't got much to contribute, but I'll join you too!

[*By now, all the children have their arms (or, in Zira's case, legs) on the log.*]

* **P****en**: On the count of three—
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): One!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Two!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Two plus two divided by two!
* **All**: Go!

[*Pen and the kids try to turn the log to make the opening bigger, but without success. Suddenly,* **Sonny** *sticks his head out of his cot and flings a tiny bit of his ink on the far end, which makes the log much easier to move. All cheer when the opening becomes big enough for everyone to go through.*]

* **P****en**: [*as the kids escape through the hole, one by one*] Eyyyy, we did it! I'm so proud of you guys! We couldn't have gotten out of here if we didn't band together and act as a team. [*Beat.*] Guys?

[*Pen looks outside and sees all his children running around freely, happy to be outside.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): ***WHOOOOOOO!***
* **R****h****oza**: *Nature!*
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): *Unrestrained, as life should be!*
* **P****en**: Alright, Sonny, we're the last ones in here. Save the best for last, eh? [*giggles*]

[*Pen picks* **Soniri** *up from his cot and they both look at it.*]

* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): I may not have depth perception at this age, but there's no way even a workout bro like you can fit that thing through that hole.
* **P****en**: Don't you worry, Sonny. That might be the "crib of the nineties", but I promise I'll beg your mom to buy you the "crib of the one hundreds". It'll be, like, ninety hundred percent better, haha!
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Oh, goodie!

### **Outside Anchor's RaB**

**Scene****Pen** holds **Soniri** in his arms. They go together through the hole in the cabin and join the others outside.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Yay, you made it through!
* **P****en**: I can't thank you kids enough. Y'know, when I was crossing that heck of a border between inside and out, I thought up a speech all by myself about the progress we've made in our relationship.
* **O****is** (Lou): Congratulations, Dad. You're a real Ronald Rag In. /s
* **P****en**: Anyone want to hear it?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): *Race you to the Fove!*

[**Sol** *starts running. The younger kids quickly follow him.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): I'm still faster!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Yeah, me too!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Wait for me!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Don't forget, I'm the only one who can find his way back!
* **Y****es****a**: You don't need any help carrying Sonny, do you, Dad?
* **P****en**: Chh. No way.
* **Y****es****a**: Good, 'cos whoever gets there last has to tell Mum her last name.
* **P****en**: [*handing Sonny over to her*] Take him, he's yours. [*going*] Ha-*ha*, I'll never loooooooose!

[*Exit.* **Yesa** *laughs, shrugs and starting walking at a reasonable speed to catch up with the others*.]

## Contest, part 8

#### Station #42 (PI → BH, PI → PI)

[**Pin** *is still trying to guess the mystery word. Tree reveals on his notepad that she has correctly guessed "pastry", "three", "letter" and "predilection", and there is one more password left.*]

* **P****i****n**: Is it... **Cake**? No, wait, that's four letters.
* **O****r****p****h****a**: [*imitating a buzzer*] *Aaeeeeh!*
* **T****r****e****e**: No, it is not Cake.

[*Enter* **Black Hole**.]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Any port in a storm?
* **T****r****e****e**: Hey there, Black Hole!
* **G****r****e****g****g**: You've finally caught up!
* **O****r****p****h****a**: **Horror**.
* **P****i****n**: ***Pet S-em-atary***?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, I, I went through all the challenges much more quickly than I should have. What's the challenge here?
* **G****r****e****g****g**: Want a ball?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sure. Once you have one, you can't stop eating them.

[*Gregg throws a rubber ball into Black Hole. He sucks it up.*]

* **?**: Chomp.
* **T****r****e****e**: Nice try, but... you've got to get this puzzle, my friend. It's the rules, so I've been told. [*pointing upwards, as if Two resides there*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, that's easy. I have seen it today. It's **Pie's temper**.
* **O****r****p****h****a**: Hey, that's right! Pin, your next clue was going to be **shocking**.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Nice. [*going*]
* **P****i****n**: Come on, Black Hole, play fair!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sorry, but... I just thought it was worth mentioning.
* **P****i****n**: Ah, it's fine. Perhaps I needed that reminder that we're still competing against each other. Right, BH?

[*Pin turns around and sees Black Hole at the next station.*]

* **O****r****p****h****a**: Ready for another word?
* **P****i****n**: Aaaaaah!

#### Station #43 (BH → BH, PI)

[**Black Hole** *enters the episode 43 contest, where he is met with* **Agonxis**, **Alif** *and, as suspected,* **Anchor**. *The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1988**

* **A****l****i****f**: *Assalamu alaikum.*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [**smiling**] *Wa alaikumu salam.*
* **Ag****on****xis**: So you two know each other.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We go to the same mosque.
* **Anch****or**: Hey, Black Hole. You're in second place!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I see.
* **Ice Cube**: [*in the far distance*] Wha?
* **Anch****or**: If you need help writing the letter *A*, I'm sure someone will be along to help you soon.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: If you didn't want to do it, why not just say so?
* **Anch****or**: I've been through enough. Feel like I've forgotten something really important today, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Don't we all. B'yeah, I think I can do it by myself.
* **A****l****i****f**: Very self-sufficient.

[*Black Hole tries to pick up the paintbrush on the ground but sucks it up instead.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Whoops.

[*Enter* **Pin**.]

* **P****i****n**: Hi, people!
* **Ag****on****xis**: Hey, it's Pin, who got twentieth place in BFDI, and for whom there's nothing mean she did she can think of that would make people want to vote her.
* **P****i****n**: Thanks, Aggie, I really needed that flashback. /s
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Pin, I might need your help in drawing an *A*. I accidentally sucked my brush up, and I would...
* **P****i****n**: Say no more, BH, I have the perfect plan. But first...

[*Pin takes her paintbrush and draws a large A on the ground.*]

* **Anch****or**: Hey, you did it!
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, I did! So now...

[*Anchor pulls out the giant fan from earlier.*]

* **Anch****or**: Watch out, Pin, this gets real noisy!

[*Anchor turns on the fan and it blows Pin towards the next station.*]

* **P****i****n**: Whooooah!

#### Station #44 (RE → PI, RE → BH, PI, RE)

[**Pin** *arrives at the scene of the forty-fourth challenge by bumping into* **Remote**.]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*falls*] I-oo.
* **P****i****n**: [*to Anchor*] Not cool, man! I wanted to have my revenge at Station 42!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*from the ground*] You're telling me.
* **P****i****n**: Oh, sorry, Remote. Here, I'll help you up.

[*Pin pulls Remote up and they look at the sign together. It reads as follows.*]

**1988**

[*The two then look at the contestant helpers for this last staffed mini-challenge:* **Naily**, **Coalladys** *and* **Genderfluid Book**. *In humanaho, Naily has adopted the aesthetic of a hair metal singer, which explains this dialogue.*]

* **P****i****n**: Hi.
* **N****a****ily**: *HI!*
* **Coal****la****dy****s**: [*dismayed*] *I* was going to greet them.
* **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**: Wait, you said that was my job!
* **P****i****n**: Naily, I see your voice matches your new style, heheh.
* **N****a****ily**: Thanks, I hate it.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Then why do you do it like that?
* **N****a****ily**: 'Cause I want to share it with you guys!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wa-a-a-at? [*pronounced "Washington, a, a, at"*]
* **N****a****ily**: How would the two of you—

[*Enter* **Black Hole**. *At the same time, an air horn can be heard very faintly in the background, followed by some increasingly loud cheers from the audience.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hi.
* **N****a****ily**: The three of you, I should say, like to see a reality you haven't experienced yet, just like I did?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ooh, I'd like that very much.
* **N****a****ily**: You're gonna nail this one! The binos, Gen.
* **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**: The what?
* **N****a****ily**: Binos.
* **Coal****la****dy****s**: Winos? Naily, you got issues.
* **N****a****ily**: Please excuse us, huh.

[*While Naily, Coalladys and Genderfluid Book talk in the background, so do the contestants.*]

* **P****i****n**: Whoa, Black Hole, how'd you manage to write the letter *A* once and for all?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It took a lot of hard work, and I had to concentrate a lot, but finally I was able to draw it. See, you can have a look at the end result right over— [*turns around*] Where is everyone?

[*Remote turns around and looks at the previous station. It is completely empty, as are all the stations before it.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We seriously can't be the last people on Earth.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Omg. I can't believe I'm the last man on Earth.
* **P****i****n**: Really? That was my first guess!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh, I've always had strange fantasies of this. Perhaps I read too much science fiction.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What?
* **N****a****ily**: Okay, guys, we've got it all sorted out.
* **P****i****n**: Hooray.
* **N****a****ily**: Your futures can be found in these binoculars.

[*Coalladys hands Black Hole, Remote and Pin each their own pair of binoculars.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ooh. Whose are these?
* **Coal****la****dy****s**: Mine.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That's not surprising.
* **P****i****n**: It really isn't.

[*Remote looks into her binoculars, as does Pin. They both look confused.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What is this?
* **P****i****n**: You're not getting anything either?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I cannot see my future.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I wonder if the fact that it's the future has anything to do with it. /s
* **P****i****n**: No, I'm serious, I can't get any image of myself!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wait, let me look through mine.

[*While Black Hole struggles to get his binoculars to orbit himself without sucking them up,* **Naily** *and* **Coalladys** *start running gleefully in the opposite direction, towards the start of the contest track.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You need help?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, no, these things always take a little—

[*The binoculars fall into his orbit.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Time. [*to the binoculars*] Stay.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh, Black Hole.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, I still can't see anything!
* **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**: [*going*] Try putting them together!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Why didn't I think of that?

[*Exit* **Genderfluid Book**, *running. Remote and Pin step closer to each other. Black Hole tries to join them as best as he can.*]

* **P****i****n**: Wait, I think I'm seeing words.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I've seen them the whole time.
* **P****i****n**: What's yours say?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*reads*] "Reverse race: race".
* **P****i****n**: Mine says... [*reads*] "back to the". To the what?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I think I can answer that. [*reads*] "Starting line".

[*View of the final sign in the form of a paper cut into three and attached to the binoculars: it reads as follows.*]

  Race back to the starting line.

[*All drop their binoculars at once and look at each other. Exeunt quickly, almost in a frenzy, back to the starting line.*]

## End of the contest, intersecting plot lines

### **Outside the Fovitwe**

**Scene****Pen** and the **kids** run to the Fovitwe so they can see how the contest ends and (hopefully for them) Pencil winning immunity.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): I'm so gonna win this! I may be small, but I run fast!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): You mean you run *quickly*, Samar.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Can it, Ivjær!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Nice!

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **P****en**: [*gesturing while running*] *Triángolo*. Triangle... O.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Omg, Dad, you don't remember Pencil's last name?
* **P****en**: It's not like we use 'em at home!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Good point.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): [*being carried on Yesa's back, passing them both*] Wheeeee!

### **All the World's a Contest**

**Scene**Jump cut to a similar scene of running: near the starting line, more than 100 contestant helpers come running from their stations, while **Pencil** stands confused at the remains of one of her own station. The contestant helpers all speak at once, seemingly ignoring her. Note that during this time, the entire contest structure sinks into the ground so that no one has to jump down from the papier-mâché First Hotel to get to the starting line.
#### Station #12 (PC)

* **P****e****nci****l**: Can somebody please tell me what's going on here and why you're all running backwards?
* **R****o****b****oty**: No!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What? Roboty, somebody, you've got to!
* **St****a****py**: We're doing this because everyone else is!

[*Pencil almost gets trampled by a large group of Nixefta who have formed a conga line.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*from the ground, confused*] What the *hell* was that?

[*She sees Match at the end of the line.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Match!
* **Ma****tch**: Penc-penc! You're still here?
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's not as though I've got anywhere else to go! Why's everybody running backwards?
* **Ma****tch**: Hmm... I think it's the, like, reverse race you peoples did, like, last episode.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?
* **Ma****tch**: [*going*] Gotta scram, there's a snack bar at the starting line!

[*Exit. Pencil looks up and sees* **Black Hole** *among the Nixefta, floating way above them.* **Pin** *and* **Remote** *trail behind him.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: O... M... G. I've still got a chance to win!

[*Pencil starts running with the crowd.*]

#### Above the starting line

[*As Match said, there is indeed a snack bar by the starting line, where various characters are queuing up. In the background are hundreds of spectators (the recommended characters mentioned earlier).* **Two** *watches the contestants from the top of a lifeguard tower so they don't get lost in the crowd. They make their announcements through a megaphone.*]

* **Two**: ***And it looks like Black Hole is in the lead! You'd better catch up, girls, because the last two contestants to arrive at the starting line WILL be up for elimination!*** [*puts down their bullhorn*] How are you all doing down there?

[*The crowd cheers.*]

* **Two**: That's what I like to hear occasionally!

#### Ground level

[*With* **Pen** *and the* **kids**.]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Are you sure we can't get food right now?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Yeah, I'm hungry! I didn't eat since we left home this morning!
* **P****en**: Not till your mom finishes the challenge, and that should be very soon, as a matter of fact. [*looks at the contest track and gasps*] *Mercy*, it's him!

[**Anchor** *can be seen aggressively pushing people out of the way on his way to the starting line. Perhaps crucially for the dialogue that follows, he emphatically does not push Pencil over (who deftly steps aside).*]

* **P****en**: It's Anchor... the guy who left us trapped indoors, hungry, boatless... and without a way to pay for the boat cushion one of us wrecked.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): I said I was sorry!
* **P****en**: I know, son. Boy, that fella's gonna get it from me. [*growls non-threateningly*]
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Slay him with your eyebrows, Pen!
* **P****en**: I'm not going to sink that low; I've got a better plan. You kids, get your food. You must be starving.
* **Y****es****a**: But didn't you say—
* **P****en**: *Do it!*

[*Exeunt all kids except* **Sol**. **Rhoza** *takes him by the arm.*]

* **R****h****oza**: C'mon, Soldaar, the nice ones always pack the hardest punches.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): I'm not nice, you turkey!

[*Exeunt.* **Anchor** *clumsily stumbles over the starting line and lands right next to Pen. He gets up and sees Pen glaring at him (which is surely scarier in humanaho).*]

* **Anch****or**: Oh my God, it's you... the only customer I had today. And I completely forgot about you while I was over here. [*Silence.*] I am *so* sorry! [*Silence.*] D- do anything to me, bro, but don't cause my death; you know that would reflect badly on you as a person!

[*Pen raises his arm as if to slap him, but instead he hugs him from the back in a tight squeeze.*]

* **Anch****or**: Ack! Who are you, the lanky Canuck version of Rand-y Savage?
* **P****en**: Anchor, I just want to say "thank you".
* **Anch****or**: What'd I do?
* **P****en**: You saved my family, man. My kids would still hate me if it weren't for you!
* **Anch****or**: So you're not mad that I locked you and your family in my boat rental, I didn't leave you anything to eat *and* I hid my telephone under my desk so none of you could ever think of finding it?

[*Silence.*]

* **P****en**: If I saw you shoving my girlfriend down, let's just say you'd be underwater right now. But I'm not mad. D'ya know why? 'Cause everything turned out great! [*squeezes him harder*]
* **Anch****or**: Gnarly, bro. So, uh, could you let me go?
* **P****en**: Sorry.

[*Pen lets go of Anchor roughly (he is a tiny bit angry). He turns around and looks at his children getting food from the snack bar—of them, Sol turns around. Pen gives him a thumbs-up.*]

* **P****en**: But you're not off the hook yet, pal. You're going to tell Pencil *everything* that happened.
* **Anch****or**: Oh no, not Pencil! I've seen her competing. Your old ball and chain is a fricking battle-axe, man.
* **P****en**: What? She's obviously a pencil. Gee, maybe your wife divorced you 'cause you're a bit dumb. Tsst.

[*Pen gestures Anchor towards the starting line, which* **Pencil** *and* **Black Hole** *are the first of the contestants to cross.*]

## Results of the contest

### **Starting line**

**Scene****Two** sounds their megaphone from their lifeguard tower. They only notice Black Hole.
#### With Two

* **Two**: ***Ding, ding, ding, it looks like we have a winner!***

[*Two floats down from the tower and clears the area directly in front of the starting line to make their announcements up front.*]

* **Two**: Congratulations, Black Hole, you win!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] So I'm the runner-up. Reckon that's not so bad...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wh- what? I win TPOT? Wait a minute...
* **Two**: No, just this contest. Now, the following are the terms and conditions that resulted from your winning the final competition this season. Number two divided by two: As the winner, you are entitled to a place in the final three, which makes your chances of winning...

#### Spectating audience

[*Pencil escapes the attention of Two as she sees Pen in the crowd. She runs towards him.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Look at that! It's Captain Ben, home from his excursion out on the open sea with his first through tenth mates!
* **P****en**: And here's the beautiful Pencil *Triángolo*, taking another break on her well-deserved journey to victory! God, you must have been terrific out there and I wasn't there to see any of it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And I couldn't see any of you. I suppose that prompts me to say, in perhaps the most common of terms: Shut up and give us a kiss, Bendy.

[*They kiss. This goes on for quite a while, until Pencil sees a few onlookers staring and pointing their cameras at them.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Haven't you been taught that it's impolite to stare? You act as if you've never seen people reunite after a long day of being separated from what they had to do. And you look even more ridiculous with the cameras, you know.
* **P****en**: Cameras? Where? [*poses and smiles at the crowd*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*laughs*] There's that endearing sense of humour I've missed in you. So, did the kids treat you well? How are the kids? [*Pause. She looks around.*] *Where* are the kids?
* **P****en**: Oh, um, y'see... the craziest thing happened today! You're really gonna laugh at this, love.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, I'll give you two chances to tell me their exact location and if you don't say anything I'll strip-search your brain with an electron microscope.
* **P****en**: They're over there, getting food.

[*He points to the back, where the view of the children has been obscured by the crowd.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: And you're not there to watch them? What, did they eject you from their field of vision or something? [*grabs his shoulders and speaks quickly*] Oh, they must really hate you! They probably despise the fact that they've got an ink relation to you! They'd rather remember their traumatic experience of floating near the Sun than today's bonding trip! I bet they're even at the nearest phone box to ask for a new father as we speak!
* **P****en**: Pencil...
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm extremely sorry I made you have a go at all this, Pen; if I had known it was going to be nothing short of a bloody catastrophe from the start I should have—
* **P****en**: Penc, babe, none of that's...
* **Two**: [*in the distance*] Pencil, could I see you for a moment?

[*Pencil turns around and looks at Two.*]

* **P****en**: Give 'em heck. [*kisses her*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right-o. I need to tell them something anyway.

#### With Two

[**Pencil** *walks up to* **Two***. Nixefta still seem to rush in, but at a much lower frequency than before.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What is it, Two? Am I being read the same spiel for coming second in the contest? 'Cos I was totally listening to you the first time, I really was.
* **Two**: Nope!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Alright. Then I've got something to tell you, Two.
* **Two**: Whatever it is, it's most likely not as important as what *I* have got to tell you!

[*Pencil gestures for Two to continue.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What is it?
* **Two**: It has come to my attention that you clearly did not run through all the stages of the game before running back to finish the reverse race portion of the contest.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And you brought me over here just to tell me that.
* **Two**: Pencil... you broke the rules of this show's last stage in the competition. Ever. And do you know what *that* means?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, but I've a feeling you're going to tell me.
* **Two**: That's right! Pencil! [*dramatic sting*] *You! Are! Eliminated!*

[*Pencil gasps, along with some of the few people in the crowd who like her.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Eliminated?
* **Two**: Surely you've heard that word before, you silly little tangerine.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Of course, I wasn't asleep for at least some of BFB. /s But... why eliminate me when so many have broken the rules before?
* **Two**: Because this contest was special! I even held it on a Wednesday to throw you off! Show her the rules, Clock! [*looks into the crowd*]
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*in the back*] *No.*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aeh, that's what I was going to ask you for anyway: an elimination.
* **Two**: Oh, really? That's terrific! Now I don't have to feel this brand-new emotion I like to call *guilt*!

[*Enter* **Pen**.]

* **P****en**: Pencil? What do you mean you want to be elimi—
* **Two**: Hi, Benedict-o!
* **P****en**: Hiya, Two! [*clears his throat; to Pencil, whom he takes aside*] Is this true? You want to be eliminated?
* **P****e****nci****l**: This my great send-off, Benny-me-boy. Great on two counts, considering that hardly anybody here loves me. What you perceive to be my loss is planet Earth's gain.
* **P****en**: Aw, Pencil, don't say that! [*puts his arm around her*] *We* love you, just like you love competition!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Not as much as I want to sleep at night knowing that everybody in my household can tolerate one another. And where something like *that* won't happen.
* **P****en**: We really had a terrific time, Penc!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I believe you, Pen, I really do, but the situation to which I'm referring is right over there, where I'm pointing my finger.

[*Pencil points to Flat #2 in the distance. A giant pie covers the building, having grown over the hours because no one has eaten it.*]

* **P****en**: [*Aside.*] Darn it, Maxi... [*Aloud.*] D'aww, Penc, I can't make you stay at home! You've gotta win TPOT! If you give up, it'll go against everything you stand for!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, I'll be fine. And don't tell me what I want unless you want me to cross your newly-indurated bod off that list, yeah? I was eliminated fair and square, or at least that's what the *TPOT Game Rules* say. Besides, we can spend more time together as a family. Aaaaand just so you can be sure I'm not giving up on my fully emancipated ideals, I should like for you to watch this.
* **P****en**: But what about—
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Do it!*
* **P****en**: 'Kay. [*smiles a bit*]

[*Pencil goes up to Two, who is talking with* **Golf Ball**. *Pen follows her.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*claps*] Oi, Two!
* **Two**: Yes, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Since I've been eliminated and you said that I can revoke my being safe at today's Cake at Stake... would it be alright if you brought Golf Ball back into the competition? I suspect that, for reasons that probably only we girls understand, she would really like to be taken out of her flat and become a full-time, productive member of the competition again.
* **Two**: That's exactly what I was doing! Alright, Golf Ball, you heard it from me and now you're hearing it out of the mouth of Pencil: you are now a contestant again.
* **Golf Ball**: Cowabunga.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: What do you say to Pencil, GB?
* **Golf Ball**: I have never seen you as the generous type. But thh... thank you.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside, to Tennis Ball.*] Does the reverse race challenge of '88 mean nothing to her? Thought I was being nice back then, I was.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: She likes to forget certain interactions.
* **Two**: Then it's decided! Black Hole won the contest, Pencil's eliminated, Golf Ball's back in the game and I, Two, am ready to mention the names of the two people I've not yet mentioned in the voting screen!

[*As Two says this, Pen grabs Anchor and puts him in front of Pencil so he can tell her what happened today. Anchor nervously shakes his head, after which Pen sets him down, pats him on the back (as if to say an ironic "You got this (buddy)") and walks away with a smug grin.*]

* **Anch****or**: Hey, Pencil, I have a confession.

### **Voting screen**

**Scene****Two** stands in place to make the voting announcements. On the screen are pictures of the contestants up for elimination, Pin and Remote, along with the usual voting information. The safe contestants (**Black Hole**, **Golf Ball**) and some Nixefta are in the background. Two stares at the camera, smiling for several seconds as the song "Carrie-Anne" plays. Silence otherwise, until Pencil speaks.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*off-screen*] ***You fricking did WHAT?!***
* **Two**: [*to Pencil*] Hush.

[*More silence.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Why aren't you saying anything, Two?
* **Two**: Part of me thinks it would be much better if Pin and Remote were here to savour this moment, the moment that I make my episode-ly announcements. Let's wait for them, shall we?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Um, Two, it's a bit of a waste of time, to do such a thing. Pin and Remote told me, they were going to search the contest track, to find any snacks that people might have left behind, on their way here. I bet they're taking a short break.
* **Two**: Oh well. But dear viewers, this is it... the last elimination of *The Power of Two*! Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you *don't* want to be eliminated! The person with the fewest votes will leave the show! But don't you worry, because you've only got two to choose from: you can vote [A] to save Pin *or* [B] to save Remote!

[*Roll credits.*]

## Stingers

### **Flat 10: Finalists**

**Scene**11:00 p.m. **Pin**, **Remote**, **Black Hole** and **Golf Ball** are eating dessert together. The table they are sitting at, labelled "FINAL 4 ONLY", has been stanchioned off from the public. **Coiny**, **Lincoln**, **Lisa**, **Bomby** and **Marker** are at the next table, watching them and talking amongst themselves.
* **Golf Ball**: I shudder to know what kind of food this is. What is this, candy?
* **P****i****n**: Come on, give it a try.
* **Golf Ball**: I hope this isn't really some ancient "Hindu-Chinese" relic, Pin.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Nice to have you back, Golf Ball; you're as culturally sensitive as ever. /s
* **P****i****n**: No, we just found it underneath the thing Two built for the contest.
* **Golf Ball**: [*gags*] À!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's squished but still edible.
* **P****i****n**: You know, I don't think anyone can actually eat this.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*whispering*] *Except me.*
* **P****i****n**: Oh, Coiny! We'd like some more cheese balls, please!
* **Co****i****ny**: I'll serve you first, my pointy empress. Bomby?

[**Bomby** *throws a cheese ball into Pin's mouth.*]

* **Bom****by**: I didn't appear in the challenge due to a recording error!
* **Lehop****wan**: [*at the next table*] Neither did I!
* **T****o****b****l****e**: Nor I!
* **P****i****n**: [*catches and eats it*] Delicious!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Nice one, girl. [*high-fives her*]

[*Most laugh, while Golf Ball rolls her eyes.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*overstaying his laugh*] Ha, ha ha, ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.
* **Ma****r****ker**: Black Hole's getting a kick out of this!
* **L****i****s****a**: Ooh, my turn!
* **Golf Ball**: Clearly I am the last of the mature people here.

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**, *holding a camcorder.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**, **Golf Ball**, **P****i****n**, **R****e****m****ot****e**: Two!
* **Two**: Hi, guys! Hope you don't mind my barging in at this hour!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, you're good. We are not alone.

[*View of the canteen, which is moderately filled with people.*]

* **Two**: Anyway, I came here because I completely forgot something during the voting screen!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What's that?
* **Two**: [*pointing the camera at Pin and Remote*] In keeping with tradition of the last seven seasons of the show, I want you both to tell the viewers why you should stay in the game.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Us?
* **Two**: Yep, you and Pin. Right into the camera.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Okay. Uh. It would be fun if I won.
* **Two**: Pin?
* **P****i****n**: Um... What she said. But funner. [*laughs*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ha, ha, funner.
* **Golf Ball**: That word is not in the dictionary!

[*Two turns the camera around and points it as if they were taking a modern selfie.*]

* **Two**: And there you have it. Who will take the fourth place: Pin, or Remote? Well, I know for sure it's not going to be me!

### **Flat 2: Pencil and Pen**

**Scene**Bedroom. **Pencil** is reading a book in bed while **Pen**, lying next to her, puts his arms behind his head. Pencil wears Pen's sunglasses from earlier, as a very bright lamp on the nightstand on her side is the only source of light in the room at the moment.
* **P****en**: Hey, Penc?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yeah?
* **P****en**: What book are you reading?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*shows him the cover*] *Welcome Back: How to Succeed in Elimination Without Really Trying*.
* **P****en**: Catchy.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I was sure you remembered it; the Balls gifted it to us last Christmas. Reckon GB really saw it coming for you, love, 'cos you were sent off the next day. [*hits him on the head with the book*]
* **P****en**: Maybe it just got lost with our other small wonders. Hey, remember when we were first going steady and you used to read those romance novels?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, and I'd always buy the Swahili translations so you couldn't understand them. You know, in retrospect, I should have just altered my dad's books on advanced political science. And those were imported directly from London!

[*They both laugh. Pencil takes her sunglasses off and puts the book away.*]

* **P****en**: Gosh, was I a nerd or what! I used to get so jealous of the fellas in those books you always kept talking about.
* **P****e****nci****l**: The way they went from foes to lovers just like... [*snaps*] that?
* **P****en**: Yeah! Least with us, we just went from minor friends to major lovers.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Thought of that yourself, did you? That was actually really clever.
* **P****en**: Yep-p. [*cockily makes a pop sound with his mouth*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: You know what they say: Once a nerd, always a nerd. Bite me. [*crosses her arms and smirks*]
* **P****en**: E'hey, would a nerd do this? [*kisses her*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*laughs*] Aaah, when people say "bite me" these days, they don't mean it literally! But keep going, you're doing great.
* **P****en**: [*pulls her towards him*] C'mere, babe. [*deep voice*] You, me. Tonight we're gonna have more fun than an anchorman trying to pronounce "Etobicoke". [*kisses her again*]

[*Pencil laughs, but stops.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Did you say anchorman?
* **P****en**: Sorry, Penc, I meant anchor*person*. I know how you feel about— [*gasps loudly*] Anchor! He's still out there. We've gotta call a T.O. on the fun; I hope you don't mind, love.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*nods*] I totally understand. Good thing I've got you to be a sweetheart for me, innit?

[*They both get out of bed and look out the window.*]

* **P****en**: ***YO, ANCH!*** [*gets elbowed by Pencil*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Shh!*
* **Anch****or**: [*off-screen*] That you, Pen?

[*View of outside.* **Anchor** *is lying on the ground outside the flat, clearly tired.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: No, Anchor, it's Teardrop! /s Who else could cause a noise nuisance in Norway? Did you eat all the pie from the house like I told you?
* **Anch****or**: Yeah, I did. Then I saw the mess on your roof and started cleaning that up the same way.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You *ate* the debris from our *roof?* [*Pause.*] Nice work!
* **Anch****or**: I just want to go home. I feel ick.
* **P****en**: Gee, that's terrible, and I'm really sorry about that! Didn't think your punishment would go that far, did you, Penc?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Of course I did; it was I who gave him the clean-up order. [*tries not to laugh*] I just didn't know he'd actually do all the extra work.
* **Anch****or**: Is it too late to call a doctor?
* **P****en**: Hang in there, buddy, and see if you can make it to Winner's, okay?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I know this means absolutely nothing at this time of night, but it's the one decked out in blue and yellow.
* **P****en**: Yeah, Flat 1. It's the closest place with a guest room!
* **Anch****or**: Thanks, Pen, Pencil, and again, I'm sorry for everything! I'll never forget a customer again! [*going*] Bleeeeuuauaagh!

[*Exit, as Pencil shuts the window.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Who knew the object vocal cords could produce such hideous sounds? [*looks at Pen*] Honey, here you go again with the sympathy brows. I don't know whether to start noisily snogging you or lob you a bone with meat on it. /s
* **P****en**: That poor guy. This may shock you, but... I don't think I'm really in the mood now.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*sighs*] Neither am I. Strangers' whinging about sod all gives me a headache. /j
* **P****en**: Well, let's just get to sleep.

[*Both jump into bed. A second later, there is a knock on the door. Pencil opens it to see* **Yesa** *standing outside it.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Hello, Mum, Dad.
* **P****en**: Hiya!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What brings you here?
* **Y****es****a**: Would it be okay if we slept in here tonight?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yesa, honey, if there's a monster outside making horrible noises, it's probably in Flat 1 by now. Would you relay that to the littlest ones?
* **Y****es****a**: It's not that. ***COME ON IN, GANG!***

[*Pencil jumps as Yesa gestures calls for all the others* **kids** *to enter her and Pen's bedroom, including* **Soniri**, *whom Yesa pushes into the room in his old "crib of the '80s". Soni exspectati.*]

* **P****en**: Wow, you're all in here!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, why is that?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): This is where we want to spend the night.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Since today Dad and the rest of us started to get along nice for once!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): This is gonna be the best sleepover ***EVER!***
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Yeah, we can tell non-scary ghost stories, have non-violent pillow fights and trade slang!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Soldaar, if you please.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): [*finger-guns Pen*] Gee, what's buzzin', daddy-o?
* **P****en**: [*finger-guns him back*] Like, totally righteous, dude.

[*Pencil laughs.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, that is the most adorable thing I've heard all day, and I've been awake for fifteen hours of it. [*pretends to wave a wand*] I hereby grant your request to be invited for a slumber party.

[*All cheer.*]

* **O****is** (Lou): So, what shall we do first?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I don't know about you, Lewis, but it's a school night for all those who still attend it. I'm going to do what the parents' generation does at such a soirée: *slumber*. [*yawns*]
* **P****en**: Same with me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Good night, kids.

[*Soni exspectati of "Good night, Mum" and "Good night, Dad", spoken at the same time. Pencil lies down.*]

* **P****en**: And sleep well.

[*Zoom in on Pen giving his monologue as sentimental music plays.*]

* **P****en**: Y'know... it's so funny to think that just this morning, the only one of you who actually believed in this family was the one we happened to raise since birth. And now look at us. You all do it, even though we've only known each other for three months! By golly, this just shows how *awesome* we can be together. The #1 fam on the Fove... and you'd better believe it. [*sighs*] Again, I want to thank you guys for giving me a chance. I love you.

[*Silence for two seconds. The kids have all fallen asleep.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*whispering*] Are you done yet, dear?
* **P****en**: You bet.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Good night, Pen.
* **P****en**: G'night, Pencil.

[*Pen kisses Pencil on the cheek and switches off the lamp. Then he lies down happily on his pillow with his arms behind his head. Similar to TPOT 12, the extra-long episode ends with the music crescendoing and a tracking shot out of the flat. Fade to black.*]

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes (from the second half)

* Rainbow Sash was going to end Pencil's scene at Station #21 by scoffing and saying "Breeders". I deleted the line not because it was unnecessarily harsh but because the term... [*minutes of research later*] Because it was unnecessarily harsh.
	+ Although, to be fair, the word is especially meant for straight people, and that's not what either Pencil *or* Pen are.
* Station #27 was going to be a baseball challenge. That is why all three contestant helpers are balls. It was changed to the "get out of the recovery cylinder" challenge (which I found easier to write).
* Borpu's last line was originally going to be this. It would have given the wrong impression about Pencil's bowl-uality had I left it in:

**Bor****p****u**: And that kind of woman wants a man? Bull!

* At Station #35, Snowflake was going to reveal the names of the two children she had with Snowball: Norbutt and Huldagunda.
* When Pen talks about getting angry with and starting to hate people. It was a bit too comical:

**T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): You hate us, don't you?
**P****en**: What? Of course not, I don't hate anyone!
**O****is** (Lou): What about that guy who called you a "moronic pretty boy" as he cut you off while you were on your Vespa?
**P****en**: Hey, he called me pretty. If I started hating people for doing that, I'd have more enemies than Fanny.

* Sol, to Max:

**So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): If you want your freedom so much, hippie girl, read Line Rand.

* An alternate counting sequence when Pen and the kids free themselves. I didn't know which person saying "four" would elicit a more pitiful reaction:

**P****en**: On the count of three!
**M****a****xin****e** (Max): One!
**Iv****jær** (Ivor): Two!
**Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam) *or* **P****en**: Four!

* The last mini-challenge (representing the reverse race) was originally going to have its own contestant helpers, but they were removed, as there isn't really anybody necessary to supervise a reverse race. This is why **Bomby**, **Lehopwan** and **Toble** don't appear until the stinger, uttering lines that basically allude to the deleted configuration.
* Near the end of the contest (deleted for being too superfluous):

[*Two suddenly notices the small figure of* **Pen** *running into the crowd of Nixefta in a noticeably different direction to the others. He is with his* **kids**.]
**Two**: I see you down there, Pen!
[*Pen looks up in shock.*]
**P****en**: [*shouting upwards*] Oh, Two! Hi there, buddy! [*waves*]
**Two**: M'nyehhhh, hi. You look like you've been away during my final contest. I have a rather low tolerance for contest skivers.
**P****en**: Yeah, um, Pencil said I should bond with my kids today!
**Two**: [*surprised*] Oh. That's a good reason as ever. Carry on!

* As Pencil crossed the starting line, she was going to jump into Pen's arms, leading to this line. I didn't know where to put it since I added the "Pen confronts Anchor" scene later. Also, I found almost everything Pencil said a bit too mean:

**P****e****nci****l**: I suppose that's the sole benefit of looking like the "damsel in distress". Hi, Pen, are we enjoying being macho today?
**P****en**: [*lifts her up*] Yeah! Oh, I can't help it, babe, liftin' ya's so much fun!
**P****e****nci****l**: Okay, I get it. You can hoist. I wonder if your direct ancestors ever had an identity crisis and called themselves barbarians by mistake, 'cos those genes seem to have really come a long way.
**P****en**: Aw, Penc, you know that I'm totally civilized. In fact, Eraser says I'm *too* civilized. Anyway, I've had a great deal of practice lifting long, thin sticks made of wood, so I thought you'd be easy... and I was right!
**P****e****nci****l**: What in blazes are you talking about? I'm not easy, and you're seldom right. Wait... I need to ask you something: ***What happened to the kids?!***
**P****en**: Huh?
**P****e****nci****l**: You know, the ten young people who were with you?

* The song that was supposed to play in the voting screen/credits of the episode was Baccara's "Yes Sir, I Can Boogie" (as it was indirectly mentioned in the episode). I changed it to "Carrie-Anne"—nostalgia for the '60s was much more common in 1989 than that for the '70s (ten years past "Disco sucks!").
* Near the end of the episode, at the start of the second stinger:

**P****en**: Oh, that book! Haha, I just turned it on its side and used it as a stand for my nightstand mirror. Forgot it was a book after a while. [*chuckles*]
**P****e****nci****l**: You could just look up. [*points at the mirrored ceiling*]
**P****en**: Yeah, but sometimes I wake up on my side. If I'm gonna wake up, the first thing I want to see is either me, you or me.
**P****e****nci****l**: Nice of you to put me at the top of your priorities. /s [*playfully hits him with her book*]

## Notes

1. ↑ I've always thought episodes 39 and 40 were too related to each other.
2. ↑ Which in itself is a very indirect reference to those "smug Tree" memes I see on the subreddit to this day.
3. ↑ DATING!
4. ↑ I'm pretty sure it's not okay to run when you have a baby on you. I'd imagine that's what history would say.
5. ↑ I don't know, I always thought blue eyes would be more frightening when angry.

**Fake TPOT** [V]