Life-Man

God's Prodigy

Life Maker

Jacquees Higgins (Blood Brother)

Life-Man's Barmy Army

The Claypan Gang

Toy Salesman

Chemist

Life-Man ''Jesse Wolfgang Johnstone'' (born 25th June 1965) is an accountant and former hitman for-hire. Life-Man refuses to kill, instead only causes major harm. Life-Man has been sued numerous times, however due to the assistance of the Thornton Stationery Company attorney (Mark Wilkes) he remains a free man.

Life-Man was born Jesse Wolfgang Johnstone in Crewe, to his mother, Anais, and his father 'Grumbling' Gary the Geezer. He quickly gained a reputation as a local rumbler, beginning many fights at Crewe town centre. At the age of 7, Jesse's classmate (Ebenezer) accidentally called him Jess. This enraged Life-Man, who bit off Ebenezer's finger, and stomped on his head. This earned him 2 months in a juvenile detention centre.

When Life-Man was 14 years old, him and his family moved to Manchester, where Life-Man befriended Jacquees and Hugo Higgins (local gangsters). In 1991, the three would go on to form the Claypan Gang, a feared and respected gang which operated in the areas of Manchester and Whitby. The gang would carry out actions such as stealing Cornettos from children on Whitby beach. Life-Man was the muscle of the group, and would often harm the victims of Cornetto Drive-Bys. In 1992, he broke the arm of an old man who asked him to return the Cornetto that he stole to his grandson. He was placed under arrest for 27 hours, until the Claypans began a riot in order to get him out of jail.

On the 31st of December 2000, Life-Man planned on proposing to his boyfriend of 7 years, Christian ''The Magnificent'' Kurt. The proposal was planned to take place on a hot air balloon. Christian entered the balloon before Life-Man. Unfortunately, enemy of the claypans - Cornelius Basingstoke was the hot air balloon conductor. Upon recognising Life-Man, he set the air balloon free, taking Christian with it.

Since 2006, he has never tried to found love, but he has accepted the fact that Christian is probably gone. He owns a locket containing an old photo of Christian.

Since the disappearance of Christian, he has retired from his life of violence, and currently resides in a cottage on the coast of Brighton with his loyal canine companion. He also gave up on lessons of The Legendary Great Right Hook from Bernard Smith but he knows a version that is sometimes referred to as a "Sufficient Right Hook". He owns a bakery, where he holds poetry nights with Jacquees Higgins. The bakery offers a discount to students of all ages.

In 2007, Life-Man was attacked by a small army of Hit-Man sent by the former organisation he worked for. After sedating all of the hit-men, Life-Man was confronted by Sarah Hairy who had idolised Life-Man as a brilliant assassin but now he just seemed like a "pathetic loser" as she held a machete to his head. Life-Man was only saved just in time by the Claypans.

During the events of Jebidiah Thornton's Revenge, Life-Man discovered that The Man in Maroon was actually Christian Kurt and ended up putting him into a coma after he threatened to burn down his bakery if Life-Man didn't come back with him to Jebidiah Thornton. Life-Man burnt the locket.