Santa with Muscles (GAM226)

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Santa With Muscles*** is the story of a millionaire steroid salesman who bangs his head, get convinced that he's fictional, and therefore saves an orphanage. This movie makes the argument that the only way you can get the rich care about starving orphans is to give them a bout of concussion, and given the UK election results, I'm willing to give that a go.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we watch another terrible movie, so you don't have to.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you loved the 2016 Hulk Hogan sex tape, but it didn't fill you with enough shame and existential dread, you will *love* this movie. So, I'm going to make a startling argument: if *Gawker* had used *this* movie as evidence, it would still exist. If they had just been like "Look, he allowed *this* to be on tape—there's no way he didn't know that other thing was happening."

### **Best Worst**

* Marsh: ...sound mixing.
* Heath: ...authorship lawsuit.
* Eli: ...missed chances at one-liners.

### **Notes**

* Check out Marsh on *Be Reasonable* and *Skeptics with a K*.
* The film's executive co-producer was Jordan Belfort, the self-styled "Wolf of Wallstreet."
* *The Muppet Christmas Carol* (1992) is the best version of *A Christmas Carol*.

### **Jokes**

* "Yeah, we should probably point out that there is—and this is an impressive and wonderful thing about this movie—there is no sixty second period in this movie that bears any resemblance to any other sixty second period in this movie. There's no connective tissue between any minute of time in this movie and any other minute of time. We form a story because we're story forming creatures, but if you told me this was just a random collection of pictures and sounds that I projected a Hulk Hogan movie *onto*, I would believe you." (10:56)
* "So, he has Hulk Hogan's right thumb print from a glass of milk Hulk Hogan had during breakfast, and then he brought that with him to this ATM, and he's rolling that glass over the thumb sensor. Um… the print would be backwards at that point, but the ATM machine and the people who wrote the movie are stupid and don't understand geometry, and the ATM says 'Sorry, that's your right thumb. We need your left thumb.' But that's not how it would work—the sensor would think that was a left thumb print, and the reason it wouldn't work would be because thumb prints aren't identical reflections in the y-axis from our right thumb to our left thumb. And also, the good thing about this thumb scanner: like all good fingerprint scanners, it recognizes *all* of your fingers and then tells you which specific one it needs. It says 'Oh yeah, I'm just…' When you set this up the first time it's saying 'Well, we need you to scan your left thumb because that's the one you're going to use to access your bank account, right? Now we need you to scan your *right* thumb so that we can recognize when you—definitely one hundred percent definitely you—turn up to get your money, but you put the wrong thumb on the pad. So, we need to tell definitely you (because it's definitely you because you've got your right thumb there), we need to tell you to use the other thumb. So, now we just need to… there might be a time you mistakenly try to log in using your dick, so we better scan that too just to be on the safe side.' Also, by the way, assuming the bank has your left and right thumb print like you're describing, the sensor would then… that means it would think that you *ripped* the skin off your right thumb and then sewed it back on, but accidentally onto your left thumb by accident—that's what would be happening there. The ATM should be asking different questions, that's all I'm saying." (1:01:07)

### **Interstitials**

* *Santa With Muscles* Story Meeting, Brother (8:17)
* Welcome to Ebner Frost's Super Evil Team (1:13:11)

### **Tropes**

* No, this movie is too crazy for tropes.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Film on YouTube
* IMDB