Never Meet Your Heroes

*Season 3,* *Episode 4b*

**"Never Meet Your Heroes"** is the second segment of the twentieth episode (and the thirty-ninth story overall) of *Close Enough*.

## Synopsis

Alex gets the opportunity to perfect his writing skills as an apprentice under his favorite author.

## Plot

Alex attempts to test-read his latest Viking fiction "The Psybjorn Ultimatum" to his housemates. However, he is suffering from stage fright at that moment and imagines Emily, Bridgette and Josh brutally bashing him (both verbally and physically), thus preventing him from uttering even the first sentence. Do to his anxiety Alex declares the book unfinished and accidentally injures his penis after throwning the manuscript into a nearby trampoline that propels the novel into his groin.

As Alex continues to struggle with his emotion of dread he is advised by Josh and Bridgette to seek help from a professional writer in managing his insecurities. Bridgette informs Alex that his favorite writer, Jack Kleghorn, author of the *Lust of the Starwizards* erotic science-fantasy series, is having a book signing at the Skylight Books and is encouraged by Josh to go meet Kleghorn immediately. Alex arrives at Starlight Books with his entire collection of Kleghorn's novels for the signing and talks to the elderly British author of his troubles surrounding his erotic viking fiction. Kleghorn, asking to be called *Sir* Kleghorn, takes an interest in Alex and asks his to send him a copy of his recently finished novel for a reading. He also invites Alex to his 18th century Windsor estate in order to discuss the novel's contents. Alex arrives at the chateau and is welcomed in by the less-then-humble Kleghorn, who after having finished reading his manuscript is left enamored by its contents, to which Alex is left ecstatic at the realization that he is being admired by his literary hero. With this revelation Kleghorn takes Alex under his wing and immediately puts him through an rigorous writing session on an old typewriter to continue elaborating an entire series of novels, much to the detriment of Alex's physical well-being. His friends become worried that he is being worked too hard, but Alex merely shrugs their concerns as a form of jealousy and returns to Kleghorn's estate.

Back at the chateau, Alex walks in on Kleghorn having a conversation with his agent on the phone as he praises Alex for his talent and wishes to have his agent meet him. Jack hangs up the phone in order to reveal to Alex that he(Jack) will be the next him(Alex). Alex is befuddled by Jack's wording, but before he can be given an explanation Jack knocks him over the head unconscious with his walking stick. Shortly after Alex wakes up and finds himself tied to a chair, with Kleghorn telling him that they will be switching bodies. Jack produces a fist-sized meteor from his vest, the hallmark of his business cards and an alleged helpful tool of his writing process, and immediately reveals to Alex the truth behind his success:

*"Circa forty-four-thousand years ago, Jack was a simple caveman who became fascinated with the awards given to his tribe's cave painter. At first he tried imitating the painter's artwork, thus becoming history's first plagiarist and earned the scorn of his kinsmen. Caveman Jack is being chased by his tribesmen for his crime, but briefly alludes them when he suddenly notices a meteor falling from the sky and goes up to investigate. Just as he picks up the space rock after having cooled-off caveman Jack is attacked by the cave artist, but Jack shields himself with the meteor, which surprisingly causes the two to switch bodies after both of them make physical contact with it. The angry mob catch up to them and begin beating the artist trapped inside Jack's body to death while Jack, now having replaced the artist, takes all of the credit for the artwork. Throughout the millennia and well into the modern age Jack continued using the meteor to swap bodies with talented artists after his current body became elderly, murders the artists trapped inside his previous body and steals their fame and wealth, as well as cheating death in the process."*

Jack finishes recounting his life's story and uses the meteor to swap bodies with Alex in order to continue his vicious cycle. Fortunately for Alex, Jack forgot to untie Alex's body before the swap and is now left tied up in the chair, giving Alex the time to escape with his latest manuscript. Alex returns home, explains to friends the situation, apologizes for his rudeness from before and asks for their help. Just then, Jack arrives in an antique car and a sword, threatening to decapitate Alex unless he hands over the manuscript. A fight ensues, wherein Jack drops the meteor which results in him, Bridgette, Emily, Josh and Candice touching the meteor, swapping bodies in the process: Josh is inside Candice's body, Candice is inside her mother's body, Emily is inside Josh's body and Bridgette is inside Alex's body, logically leaving Jack inside of Bridgette's body. Bridgette goes back inside her own body after hitting Jack in the head with meteor, placing him back inside of Alex's body. Jack prepares to stab her with the sword when Alex threatens to have his manuscript burned in a barbecue fire made earlier by Josh. He states that he is willing to sacrifice his life's work if it means saving his friends and proceeds to drop the manuscript on the barbecue. Jack runs towards Alex with the intent of stabbing him in the chest until Bridgette tosses the meteor at Alex, resulting in Alex and Jack returning to their respective bodies. Jack ironically dies after tens of thousands of years of his own actions and in the same manner as his victims.

Six hours later everyone has been returned to their rightful bodies. Although Alex has come to grips with his idol having been an ancient fraud is still upset over the loss of his potential book that would have been successful. Just then Alex is truck with inspiration. Sometime after, at the pitch meeting with Jack's agent, Alex tries selling to him the events that had transpired as his story, but the agent rejects the synopsis bluntly, but fairly, to which Alex agrees.

## Characters

* Alex Dorpenberger
* Jack Kleghorn (debut/death)
* Bridgette Hashima
* Josh Singleton
* Emily Ramirez
* Candice
* Jack's Agent (debut)

## Trivia

### Pop Culture References

* Alex's story, "The Psybjorn Ultimatum", is likely named after spy thriller novel *The Bourne Ultimatum* (1990), which is the final part of the Bourne trilogy, which were later adapted into an entire movie series between 2002 and 2016.
* Josh suggests that Alex email Dr. Seuss for help with his anxiety, though Alex reveals that Seuss is "100% dead." Theodor Seuss Geisel, who frequently used the pen name Dr. Seuss, was an American author and illustrator who wrote numerous stories and children's books, including *How the Grinch Stole Christmas!*, *The Lorax*, *Horton Hears a Who!*, *The Cat in the Hat*, *Green Eggs and Ham*, and multiple others.
	+ Several of Geisel's stories have been adapted into film and television productions many times over, both before and after his death.
		- J.G. Quintel, the creator and show runner of *Close Enough* (as well as the voice of Josh Singleton), previously worked as an animator and storyboard artist on the 2008 film adaptation of *Horton Hears a Who!* made by Blue Sky Studios.
	+ Geisel died on September 24, 1991 at the age of 87. If he were still alive at the time of this episode, he would have been 117 years old.
* American thriller novelist James Patterson is mentioned by Jack Kleghorn before putting Alex to work.
* Jack Kleghorn's backstory as an immortal caveman who gained his longevity from a meteorite and assumed the identities of multiple historical figures mirrors the origin story of DC Comics supervillain Vandal Savage.
	+ One of the artists that Jack replaced was the Bronze Age architect of Stonehenge in Wiltshire County, England.