Joey Goes Boxing

**Joey Goes Boxing** is episode 103b of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on May 1, 2004.

## Synopsis

Joey can't take another day of Edward and Eric's antics, so he tries to mail himself out of Lakeside City School.

## Cast

* Wayne Grayson as Joey
* Gary Sauls as Constantinos, Mr. Goodman and Robbie
* Andrew Rannells as Edward, Skipper and Finn
* Josh Peck as Eric
* Edward Felker as Stanley, Gordon and Chauncey
* Dan Green as Dallas
* Tress MacNeille as Mrs. Sour
* John DiMaggio as Tony
* Eric Stuart as Chuck and Grayson

## Trivia

* Although this episode premiered in 2004, it was produced in 2003 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.
* This episode is available to watch on the Stories to Share VHS and DVD, and the Season 5 Volume 1 box set.
* This is the first episode in the series to play Overture in Sea.

## Transcript

(The episode opens with a group of students gathered around the school's flagpole)

**Eric:** Fellow students, my brother Edward has an announcement! (puts a seed on the ground and waters it) One moment.

(A sunflower emerges from the water puddle)

**Edward:** (through the sunflower) Lakeside City School, it's time to celebrate...

(The flower explodes, and Edward appears. He takes out a giant inflatable purple octopus)

**Edward:** WATER DAY!

(Silence)

**Edward:** (points at the inflatable octopus) WATER DAY!

(Everybody cheers, until...)

**Joey:** IT WAS YOU!!!!

(Joey rises out from underneath of the students. He lifts them up and sets them down as he marches up towards the brothers)

**Joey:** So you two are responsible for all the stupid decorations around the school!

(We see a view of the football field. Water is surrounding it. On the remaining pieces of the grass, there are two lawn chairs and a massive inflatable whale)

**Joey:** You changed the football field! And it's not just this place too!

(Then, we see the local animal shelter completely flooded)

**Joey:** But there's also the animal shelter!

(Cut back to him)

**Joey:** And I don't even wanna say what you did to Mr. Goodman.

(Goodman's office is shown with a water slide built into the wall, and there is water on the ground, but he doesn't even notice this while he's busy writing a letter)

**Joey:** Why would we want to celebrate water, of all things?

**Eric:** It's simple, Joey. Because waters are nice, bright, and shiny. Just like us students!

(Everybody else is in agreement)

**Joey:** In your dreams, Eric. Us Lakeside City School students are *not* nice, bright and shiny. We're bitter, dim and crude! Now c'mon! Am I right? Huh?

(No answer)

**Edward:** It's ok, Joey. Maybe this ought to persuade you.

(The brothers take out a pool and push Joey into it)

**Joey:** (screams) HEY! I JUST GOT THIS DRY CLEANED! (jumps out and coughs) You want to know what *I* think, Edward?

**Edward:** Sure, Joey.

**Joey:** I'm pretty sure I speak for everyone when I say that was the wo-

**Everyone:** BEST HOLIDAY WE HAVE EVER SEEN! HOORAY FOR WATER DAY!

(Joey's face turns blood red, and he angrily mumbles incoherently. His head turns into the shape of a train whistle, and it goes off like one before turning back to normal)

**Joey:** THAT'S IT! WHY IS IT THAT EVERY DAY, IT'S ALWAYS IDIOT ENTERPRISES AT THIS STUPID SCHOOL?! WELL, I HAVE FINALLY HAD ENOUGH! GAME OVER! (marches to the boys' dorm) I'M OUTTA HERE!

(In his "dorm room", he packs his bags)

**Joey:** I've had enough Edward, I've had enough Eric, I've had enough Lakeside City School!

(He rips the old closet out of the wall and tosses it outside. He goes back into it, and he starts it up like a car)

**Joey:** The only place I want to see all of these losers is on my rear view mirror.

(He drives to the front gates, but Mr. Goodman pops out of nowhere)

**Mr. Goodman:** Hold it!

(Joey puts his room to a screeching halt)

**Mr. Goodman:** Joey, it's common sense here that you can't drive a dorm room out of the school.

**Joey:** (grunts) Fine! (exits) You park it!

(Later, Joey is digging underground)

**Joey:** I made it! I'm out of the school!

(Suddenly, a drop of water lands on his nose. An entire blast of water hits him, and the camera pans above to reveal that the water is from the Gym's pool, which students are seen swimming in. The pool drains out)

(Soon enough, he is standing on a bench)

**Joey:** Alright, all I need to do is give my three little hair stands the classic little pull. (he tugs on them hard, but nothing happens)

(He grunts as he gives a second, harder pull. Suddenly, his hair strands start propelling him in the air as if they were helicopter blades)

**Joey:** Yes! (he flies himself towards the parking lot) I'm gonna make it! I'm actually gonna make it!

(Unfortunately, he slams into an invisible wall)

**Joey:** OUCH! (falls to the ground, leaving an imprint in the shape of his body)

**Edward:** Oh, sorry, Joey. I was testing out my latest invention - invisible walls. They're supposed to simulate those annoying barriers in video games. Ya know, for fun.

**Joey:** Someday, I'll REALLY simulate a video game for you, Four Eyes! (storms off) By punching you until you lose ALL of your health!

(Later, Joey grabs an owl. Three other owls are tied to each of his limbs, and he adds the fourth one to his last limb)

**Joey:** Now, my pretties, fly! Fly!

(The owls take off, and Joey gags as a knot is tied around his neck)

(He laughs as the owls fly high, near the girls' dorm)

**Joey:** Freedom, here I come!

(Much to his luck, Mrs. Sour is watching him from a pair of binoculars)

**Mrs. Sour:** I hate the boys here! They're bitter, dim and crude! (takes out a cannon and shoots at him)

(The cannonball slams into Joey, and it explodes. He screams bloody murder as he gets sent flying, and he lands on the side of a mail truck in the parking lot)

**Joey:** Stupid mail truck. I'm never going to make it out of here.

(Suddenly, the mail truck takes off, and Tony chases after it)

**Tony:** WAIT! WAIT! (tosses a package into the back)

**Mr. Goodman:** (to Chauncey) Ok, ok. Go ahead.

(It drives away)

**Joey:** Hey, wait a minute. Mail goes out. Doesn't come back in. I'll mail myself out of here!

(He runs to the school's post office)

**Joey:** Joey, this is the greatest idea you've ever had!

(He notices a sign reading "Out for Lunch" put up on the door)

**Joey:** What the heck? (as he reads it, Constantinos peeks his head through the window) "Out for Lunch"? (looks at the window) Constantinos, you idiot! I know you're still there! (slams the door open) Let's go! I want some service!

(Beat)

(He repeatedly rings the bell)

**Joey:** CONSTANTINOS!!!!

**Constantinos:** One moment, please. (from a sock puppet) Welcome to the Lakeside City School post office! What can we do to you today?

**Joey:** (rips off the sock puppet) Listen here, I wanna-

**Constantinos:** Hey, Joey, you're supposed to take a number.

(Joey sighs, and he rips off a ticket from a number dispenser on the wall)

**Constantinos:** What's your number?

**Joey:** 113.

**Constantinos:** 112! Anybody with 112!

**Joey:** 112?! HELLO?! ANYBODY?!

(Crickets chirping)

**Joey:** (grins) Looks like they're not here!

**Constantinos:** Hmmm...somehow, I doubt that. LAST CALL FOR 112!

(Crickets chirping again)

**Constantinos:** Maybe I should wait.

(Joey loudly screams in frustration as he bangs his clenched fists against the counter)

**Joey:** FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ***PRESS THE BELL ALREADY!!!!!!!***

**Constantinos:** 112! Going once...going twice...aaaaaaaaaanddddddd, heeeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeee, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

(Goodman runs in, carrying three boxes)

**Mr. Goodman:** 112! That's my number! (sighs in relief) Oh, that was close. I have more loads of boxes outside - they're all water! (to Joey) How about givin' me a hand with 'em? Whatcha say, Joe? (winks)

**Joey:** (faces the camera) I HATE my life.

(Camera transitions to Goodman leaving the post office)

**Constantinos:** Thank you, come again! (walks past Joey) Whoa, easy there, tiger. Wait until I'm behind the counter. (under his breath) No respect these days.

(Joey grunts)

**Constantinos:** May I help you?

**Joey:** YEAH! I WANT TO MAIL MYSELF OUTTA HERE!

**Constantinos:** Shhhhh! Indoor voice! You don't want to disturb the particles in the air. Now, please repeat yourself.

(He takes out a megaphone)

**Joey:** (through the megaphone) ***I WANT TO MAIL MYSELF OUT OF HERE, YOU STUPID LUG!!!!!!!!!!***

(Beat)

**Constantinos:** Could you please try repeating yourself again, except this time, maybe at a volume where I can *hear* you?

**Joey:** Could YOU please try being smarter before I go through that counter and hurt you?!

**Constantinos:** (shivers in fright) Ok, ok! You want to mail yourself out of here! I got you! Just step back here and onto the scale.

(Constantinos sets down a box on the scale, and Joey hops in)

**Constantinos:** Where to?

**Joey:** Anywhere but here.

**Constantinos:** (slaps an "Anywhere But Here" stamp onto the box) Now all you need is a stamp.

**Joey:** Alright, sell me a stamp!

**Constantinos:** I can't. Edward and Eric bought all of the stamps this morning. Maybe you should ask them.

**Joey:** I would rather watch grass be digested while stuck inside a cow! (gets up and walks out) I gotta have a stamp somewhere.

(Cut to the boys' dorm shaking)

**Joey:** Where is it? WHERE IS IT?! I know my brother sent me a letter with a stamp on it! (the building stops shaking) THERE IT IS!

(A stamp gets slapped onto the box)

**Constantinos:** Sorry, Joey. You don't have enough postage. You're too heavy.

**Joey:** (rips off his clothes, save for his underwear) How about now?!

**Constantinos:** (covers his eyes) Nope. Still too heavy.

**Joey:** (heads out) Ugh, fine! I'll get some more stamps!

**Constantinos:** (takes a peek) I see you still have that signature.

(Soon enough, Joey finds himself in Finn and Frankfurt's dorm room)

**Finn:** Why, yes! As a matter of fact, I do have some stamps! (takes out a collection of them) I'm using them to write letters to my grandma.

**Joey:** Uhh, do you really think that's such a good idea?

**Finn:** What do you mean?

**Joey:** Well, if your grandmother is anything like my grandmother, her eyesight is probably not what it used to be. (he grows wrinkles on his skin and squints his eyes) She has a hard time focusing on the small print of handwritten letters! (turns back to normal and grows highlights on his eyes) It reminds her, (pretends to sniffle) that she's not young anymore!

(Finn tears up)

**Finn:** POOR NANA! (hyperventilates) WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I'LL NEVER WRITE ANOTHER LETTER TO HER AGAIN! (sobs heavily)

**Joey:** I'll tell ya what, Finn. For the sake of your grandma, I'll take those stamps off of your hands by buying them.

**Finn:** You will? (sniffles) What do you want them for?

**Joey:** I'm mailing myself out of this heckhole.

(Suddenly, he realizes what he said, and he immediately covers his mouth)

**Finn:** That sounds like a fantastic idea, Joey! In fact, I'll give you my stamps for free if I can come along with you! (tears up again) I want to mail myself to Nana.

(Joey realizes this may not be such a bad idea; Constantinos saying "Still too heavy" and "You don't have enough postage" echoes in his mind)

**Joey:** Then follow me.

(Camera immediately cuts to the post office again. Joey and Finn are sitting down in the box. Finn's stamps are on the box)

**Constantinos:** (clicks his tongue as he shakes his head) Nope. Still not enough. You're gonna need WAY more postage.

**Finn:** You better make it snappy, Joey. Nana's not getting any younger.

(Camera instantly cuts to the outside of the boys' dorm, where a line of students are looking at Joey)

**Joey:** So that's the deal. You trade all your postage stamps, (we see a pile of toys, handheld video game consoles and comic books) for all my remaining worldly goods.

(Everybody starts complaining)

**Tony:** (in the background) That's not a good deal!

**Gordon:** (in the background) It sounds like a bad deal!

**Skipper:** It's just a crummy pile of junk.

**Joey:** Crummy?! JUNK?! (facepalms) Fellow students, what is it that you want from me? Blood? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?! ***BLOOD?!!?***

**Chuck:** We heard what you were doing.

**Robbie:** We wanna get mailed too. We'll trade you all of our stamps to go with you.

**Joey:** (facepalms so hard that his hand goes through his face) I'm gonna need a bigger box.

(Camera transitions to all of them in a box at the post office)

**Joey:** Well? Are there enough stamps on this box now?

**Constantinos:** I'd be lying if I said yes.

**Joey:** It's every stamp! I- (instantly realizes his mistake; sadly) Except for Edward and Eric.

(We see Joey outside of the brother's dorm room)

**Both:** (singing inside) Water water, a beautiful resource! Water water, a transparency you can see! (Joey sighs and approaches the door, opening it) Water water, delicious liquid to be drunk!

**Joey:** Hey, losers.

**Eric:** Joey! How's it going?

**Edward:** You're just in time to tell us why *you* love water so much. (hands him a pitcher of ice cold water)

**Joey:** Listen, I only came here for your postage stamps.

**Edward:** You can have 'em! But first, you have to testify about water.

**Joey:** No way!

(The brothers gasp)

**Eric:** Maybe he doesn't want our stamps.

**Joey:** Huh? (sweats anxiously) Uh, no! I do, I do! (under his breath) Can't believe I'm doing this. (normally) I love water because it's nice, bright and shiny, like... (gulps; tears emerge from his eyes) Lakeside...City...School... (inhales) students...

(Beat)

**Edward:** (snickers) That's pretty pathetic.

(Joey screams in anger so loudly that it aligns the sun and all of the planets in a perfect line)

**Joey:** ***FORGET THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIVE ME ALL YOUR STAMPS BEFORE I USE BOTH OF YOU AS LIVE PUNCHING BAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!***

**Edward:** Go ahead, Joey, help yourself. (the camera pans over to a recycling bin filled with stamps) We're already finished with them. Eric just likes licking them.

**Eric:** They taste sweet. (sticks out his tongue, which is layered with stamps)

(Later, Constantinos tries to stick one stamp onto the box)

**Constantinos:** Sorry. Your new stamps won't stick.

**Eric:** (he and Edward walk in) Of course not - I licked off all the glue.

**Joey:** (growls) What are YOU morons doing here?!

**Edward:** I have a better question. Why is everybody in that box?

**Finn:** We're all gonna travel.

**Tony:** Across the globe!

**Grayson:** Through the postal service!

**Edward:** So, what you're telling us is you're getting out of the school. Well, I don't see why we can't join in.

**Joey:** Oh, no! There is NO way you're coming with me! I've already got ALL your stamps!

**Constantinos:** (in a singsong voice) They won't stick!

**Joey:** You've got nothing else I wanna trade!

**Eric:** (takes out a glue bottle that's ten times his size) Would you fancy some glue?

(Beat)

(All of the students, except for Constantinos, are sitting in the box)

**Constantinos:** Ok, everybody scootch down so I can seal the box.

(He applies tape)

**Constantinos:** Hey, wait a minute! I just realized something! If everybody gets mailed, then I'll be the only student left! It'll just be me - alone!

(Beat)

(Camera immediately cuts to Constantinos shoving himself into the box, and he seals it shut at last)

**Constantinos:** That about does it! We're all sealed in!

**Joey:** I'm so excited to be leaving this heckhole that I don't care that I'm surrounded by all of you losers!

(Suddenly, a truck is heard starting up. The box shakes, and the truck is heard driving away)

**Joey:** Oh my goodness, we're moving! We've been picked up by the mail truck! It won't be long now! I'll be so far from Lakeside City School - far away from all the idiots. I wonder what exotic land I'll end up in!

**Stanley:** Afghanistan, if your luck means anything.

**Constantinos:** Georgetown!

**Gordon:** Syracuse!

**Edward:** Romania!

**Dallas:** Indianapolis, perhaps?

**Robbie:** The recycling plant!

**Tony:** Candy Land!

(The truck is heard being put to a screeching halt)

**Joey:** Hey, we stopped! We're here!

(Cut to the outside of the box)

**Joey:** (from the inside) ***GET YOUR FOOT OFFA MY FACE AND OPEN THE BOX!!!!!!!!!!!!***

**Constantinos:** Where are we? Where are we?!

(They open it)

**Joey:** We're in...we're in... (gasps) OH NO!

(Unfortunately, as the camera pans out to reveal a crowd of disgusted female students, it turns out they're inside of the girls' dorm)

**Joey:** THE GIRLS' DORM?!!?

(The girls run away in fear as all of the boys, except Joey and Constantinos, cheer at how they're finally in an area that's normally forbidden for them to enter. They get out of the box and run around)

**Joey:** (to Constantinos) What's the deal here, Noodle Arms?

**Constantinos:** Isn't it obvious? You only had enough postage to get you one-quarter of a half of a mile. (excitedly) Wait for me, guys! (joins in on the celebrating)

(Joey stays in the box, until he hears...)

**Mrs. Sour:** Is that a boy in the girls' dorm?!

**Joey:** Uh oh.

**Mrs. Sour:** You have five seconds to get out of here, you pervert! (she immediately beats him up anyway, and Joey screams bloody murder)

(Joey runs for his life, and Mrs. Sour chases after him in hot pursuit)

(Iris out)

("The End" screen)

(Episode ends)