AEIOU

AEIOU is the eleventh chapter in the Wombles Five. If you were looking for the escape method, see Advanced Escapology for Idiots Or Unlucky agents.

As they got out David Vincent met them.  He was with another man who looked just like him but bald.  “David Vincent” he said shaking Grandma’s hand.  “I’ve come to apply for a job as an Avenger” he added. “I’m his reference” said Vincent. Mother knocked David out.  “Sorry he’s just not quick or tough enough!” said Grandma and knocked out Vincent.  Mother and Grandma put them in a cell with some wombles.  “The invaders!” said David and Vincent together.

“Wombles actually” said Wellington.  “Do you know how to get out of here?” asked Shansi.  “We could try to get through the gaps between the bars!” replied David. “You really are an idiot, aren’t you?” said Wellington.  “That’s my boy!” said Vincent proudly.  David wasn’t sure if he should be insulted or pleased.  He didn’t like feeling insulted so he decided to be pleased to be an idiot. Something caught his eye.  He saw the corner of a book poking out from the under the bench at the back of the cell.

When he picked it up he saw it was a book, a board book like the ones for toddlers, called BEI. “BEI?” he thought to himself. David started to read it.  This is what it said.

*Lesson 1*

*What is BEI?  You don’t know?  Well of course you don’t!  You are yet to be trained.  The first lesson is remember Basic Escapology for Idiiots, BEI!*

*Lesson 2*

*What is an idiot?  If you don’t know then you are an idiot!  Are you an idiot?  Read on if you are but go on to read BEIOU if not.*

*Lesson 3*

*Congratulations!  You are an idiot!  This is the first achievement in your agent training.*

*What is escapology?  You don’t know?  Well of course not!  You are still in this cell.  Escapology is when we get out of a place we don’t want to be or are trapped in.  Are you trapped?  Do you want to be here?  If you do then you will never be an agent.  If not read on.*

*Lesson 4*

*How can you escape?  You don’t know so listen carefully you can only read this once. Use the things around you to unlock the cell, cut the bars or find an unexpected exit.*

The book started to get hot. Almost too hot to hold.  Then a voice came out of tiny speaker in the book. “This book will self-destruct in ten seconds! Ten, nine, eight, seven”.  David looked at his dad, Wellington and Shansi but they just shrugged. Suddenly David had an idea.

“Get back!” he shouted. They all did as he shouted so loudly. “Six, five, four, three, two” David threw the book at the lock from the back of the cell then ducked under the bench.  The others copied him and crowded around him.

“One”  The book struck the lock and flames burst out.  The sound of it alerted Mother.  The prisoners could hear footsteps coming towards them.  They scrambled to the door led by David.  The door was gaping open now.  They dashed out of the cell and cautiously dashed through the corridors.  As they rounded the bend to the stairs Mother confronted them.  He came at David with a metal tube.

David dodged but Mother still blocked their path.  “Take it! You deserve it!” said Mother smiling. David did as he had no choice and was confused.  Inside the tube was a certificate.  It said this.

*David Vincent is now qualified in BEI!*

Grandma came up behind the bewildered prisoners and knocked them out.  David blinked and opened his eyes.  He was strapped on a conveyor belt.  After a struggle he could see a machine ahead of him on the belt.  Mother pulled a lever to activate the circular saw and the belt started to move.  David looked to the side and saw Shansi, Vincent and Wellington on a weird set of scales with rope nets.  In one net were his fellow prisoners.  In the other was ice weighing the same as the prisoners.  Under the ice was a fan heater blowing hot air at it.

David was getting closer to the saw.  The others were being lowered towards a pool of sulphuric acid as the ice melted.  Bizarrely David was quite calm.  He remembered the BEI book.  *Use the things around you*

He looked around and there was a small metal object on the side by the conveyor.  There was also one arm held a little looser than the other. He wriggled his arm free then freed the other one.  As the belt pulled him along he grabbed the metal object.  It was a spanner.  The blade was now dangerously close and the others  dangling precariously over the acid.

With a desperate effort David wedged the spanner into the gap between the blade and the works of the saw. It clunked to stop but was struggling to free itself.  With an effort he twisted his stomach to the now still blade and cut the tight binding from his waist.

Then he leapt off the belt, grabbed the net that had the ice in earlier.  The others flew out their net and knocked out Grandma as they landed. Mother gave David another tube and a book.  The tube had a certificate in it.  This is what it said.

*David Vincent is now qualified in BEIOU!*

The book was called AEIOU and a grown up edition too!  This was the first page.

*Lesson 1*

*AEIOU AEIOU, AEIO, AEIO, AEIOU!  Welcome to AEIOU!  First you must learn the song we just told you.  Continue to the end and you will be an agent!  So get singing!*

David did start singing. He was taken to the singing room where lots of Avengers joined in with him.  The two wombles were freed.  Vincent went to Eat at Joes for a double egg and chips.

Back in his house, Gambit still hadn’t found the voice’s owner. This was largely because Purdey kept attacking him & ‘demanding an explanation’. But it was also because the owner of the voice was cheating by constantly moving around. “MIKE GAMBIT!!!” they yelled. “Well, I’m trying to come but Purdey keeps attacking & questioning me & I can’t find you anyway!” shouted Gambit.

Cathy & Mrs Peel had forgotten all about the loose cover & continued to look for Thomas & Lucy. Unfortunately, their search was still unsuccessful. “Emma?” said Cathy, quite suddenly. “Yes?” replied Mrs Peel. “I think we need to either hear a horrible noise or find a museum or something.” “We need to what?” asked Mrs Peel. “Hear a horrible noise or find a museum or something.” Repeated Cathy. And then Mrs Peel did hear a horrible noise. Cathy wouldn’t have heard it, but Mrs Peel said, “What is that noise?” So she did, since she went up closer.

Ages later, both women woke up in a strange place. Cathy knew it immediately but Mrs Peel had never been there. However, she did notice Cathy’s recognition. “Do you come here often?” she asked. “It’s my third visit.” Said Cathy. “I don’t think I’ll be asked again. Anyway, let’s look for Thomas & Lucy.” They went through the getting up problems in unison then went on the search.

Hannibal was telling the A Team about his plan.  “First of all we help people who have a problem and no one else can help.  Then we’ll search for my long lost sister.” “Long lost sister?” said Face. “What long lost sister?”

“It was a long, long time ago” said Murdock dramatically.  “When alien invaders came and took Hannibal and his family. Hannibal escaped, but the others didn’t. They were supposedly dropped in London!” David poked his head round the door. “The invaders!  Where?”

“Uh, not quite, Murdock.” Said Hannibal.  “My sister was taken by criminals who escaped to London and left her there, so, I suppose you almost got it right.  And it was a long, long, time ago.”

“You fool!” said B A. “How are we supposed to find your sister?  She could be anywhere in London!  In fact technically she could’ve gone off to another country!  We’d have to search every corner of the world!”  “She hates going abroad.” Replied Hannibal.  “Well, she did when I last saw her, anyway.” “Oh, don’t worry B A, we’ll just give up if we don’t find her in London.” Said Face.  “But first, Hannibal, won’t we need to know her name?” “Venus.” Replied Hannibal.  “So you need to search for Venus Smith.”

Bond suddenly piped up. “Venus Smith is wanted by Army Intelligence!”  “And who are you to interfere fool!” snapped back B A.  “Commander James Bond, Army Executive Intelligence Officer Upperclass” replied Bond.  “AEIOU, AEIOU, AEIO, AEIO, AEIOU” sang David.  “What are you babbling about!” snapped Bond.  “Army Executive Intelligence Officer Upperclass, AEIOU!” replied David oblivious to the superior tone of Bond.

“Actually AEIOU is Advanced Escapology for Idiots Or Unlucky agents” added Murdock.  “How do you know that?” asked David.  “Because friend, I was a spy once” continued Murdock.  “You crazy fool!  Let’s go and find that sister!” shouted B A.  They all headed for the A Team van except bond who was running towards a fancy looking green Jaguar with super wide wheels whilst singing the Bond theme.  He forced the door open and screeched away.

Five minutes later Steed arrived in the same place.  “My car!” he said “stolen!”.  Quickly he called Gambit.  “Gambit! I need transport.  The A Team escaped.”  “No chance!  I’m trying to sort out a problem with Purdey, ouch!  And find a madman who is stalking me in my movie house.” Replied Gambit.