Comedy Gold

**Comedy Gold** is episode 59b of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on April 14, 2001.

## Synopsis

Principal Walker tasks all the students to dig because he wants an area for his personal basketball court, but when Edward detects gold underground, everybody's minds shift to finding gold instead, much to Walker's frustration.

## Cast (WIP)

* Andrew Rannells as Edward, Skipper, Christian, Larry, Charles, Wayne and Scoreboard Voice
* Josh Peck as Eric
* Mike Pollock as Principal Walker
* Wayne Grayson as Joey
* Gary Sauls as Constantinos, Peter, Victor and Aaron
* Edward Felker as Stanley, Gordon, Igor, Abdul and Luke
* Dan Green as Dallas
* Eric Stuart as Sebastian, Buford, Chuck and Terry and Barry
* Michael Jordan as himself

## Trivia

* Although this episode premiered in 2001, it was produced in 2000 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.
	+ Speaking of which, the episode was initially scheduled to premiere on December 2, 2000, but was likely postponed in order to avoid fans having to endure a massive waiting period for Season 4.
* The title is an idiom referring to a hysterical joke. It can also be considered a jab at the show's original title during development ("Edward Pearson's Comedy World", which then became "Comedy World" before being outright scrapped).
* This episode is available to watch on the There's No Place Like Home DVD and the Season 3 Volume 2 box set.
* Throughout the entire episode, the bottom teeth of the characters are highly prominent.
* **Credits:** Walker playing basketball, only to miss each time. At the end, the ball gently rolls over to the school, and within a slight tap, it collapses the entire building.

## Transcript

(Near the school's flagpole, all the students are assembled into a line. Walker is standing in front of them)

**Principal Walker:**Well, students! I see you're all excited to receive community service credits.

(The camera focuses on the students, who all have blank expressions)

**Stanley:**What do we gotta do?

**Principal Walker:**Sculpting!

(Crickets are heard chirping)

**Stanley:**Ok. Why?

**Principal Walker:**Not only does it get you a step closer to receiving credits, but it builds up elbow grease! And you don't want to (pats his gut) end up like me, don't you?

**Everyone:**Nope.

**Principal Walker:**And (pulls up a photo of his skinny, younger self) do you want to end up like this handsome man? Full of muscles? (lets out a toothy grin)

**Everyone:**Nope.

**Principal Walker:**OH, COME ON! With outdoor sculpting comes digging! And you can find lots of stuff through digging! Such as...uhhhhh...

**Gordon:**My retainer?

**Aaron:**A scholarship!

**Edward:**Prehistoric fossils!

**Eric:**My IQ?

**Victor:**A SPACE FOR INDOOR VOICE!

**Constantinos:**My self-esteem.

(Everybody begins digging)

**Principal Walker:**(enters his office) That's right, interchangeable subjects of the soul-crushing education system. (maniacally laughs, but then he stops) Ok, maybe I should stop talking to myself.

(Outside, the students are putting in all their effort. As Edward is digging, his shovel ends up hitting a hard object)

**Edward:**(gasps) Mother of Pythagoras! I suspect I just located a bone!

(Carver bashes his shovel against Edward's skull)

**Carver:**(chuckles) So did I.

**Skipper:** (picks up Edward's loose tooth) Look! A mammoth's tooth.

(He and Tony cheer)

**Principal Walker:** (looking through the window) Yeah-hah, just look at 'em. Working so hard, moving that dirt. (takes out a blueprint) Or, should I say... (the camera focuses on the blueprint, which has illustrations of the students, followed by a plus symbol, a shovel, an equal sign, and a basketball court) digging the foundations for my personal basketball court! (laughs)

(He walks up to a tiny "golden" trophy)

**Principal Walker:** Don't worry, first place trophy from my high school days with my name misspelled on it and made of questionable "gold". You won't be living the single life any longer.

(Later that day, it is sunset. Aaron pants heavily, and he groans in exhaustion. When he tries to stretch his arms, they pop off. Charles is sweating so much that his flames go out)

**Charles:** Alright! THAT'S ENOUGH! I'm outta here.

(Everybody leaves)

**Edward:** Splendid idea, folks! We're going to need plenty of rest for more digging tomorrow.

(Cut to Lakeside's skyline. The sun sets, making nighttime come in, and then it fades to the next morning, where it rises. Edward is asleep, but then his alarm clock rings)

**Edward:** (uncovers his blanket, revealing a shovel next to him) Good morning, digging!

(The students cheer as they rush to school, but they stop once they see something)

**Peter:** What, is that?

(Camera pans out to reveal a newly-built basketball court)

**Igor:** Someone must've put a basketball court on our digging spot!

**Abdul:** Yeah, someone must've put a basketball court on our digging spot!

**Peter:** No, not that. (points to something) THAT.

(We see that he's pointing at Principal Walker, who is wearing a basketball jersey and shorts, both of which are too tight and small for him)

**Principal Walker:** This, you failures of a future generation, is my basketball jersey! (tugs on the neck tag) Made in New "Jersey", too.

**Chuck:** Well, what does basketball have to do with digging?

**Charles:** Nothing, you moron! (sighs and calms down) Sorry about that. But we've been hoodwinked, ain't it obvious? Walker tricked us into clearing a space for some dumb basketball court!

**Principal Walker:** Oh, Charles! (laughs) Remind me to put "detective skills" on your college recommendation letter.

**Charles:** GAAAAAH! (puts down his shovel) I DON'T EVEN LIKE BASKETBALL!!!!

(Everybody except for The Lucky 6 walks away)

**Luke:** What a disappointment.

**Edward:** But what about helping out Mr. Walker? It's all about school spirit.

**Charles:** There is no school spirit here, ya basketball head!

**Edward:** That's peculiar. Well, perhaps there's still a multitude of spiffy objects to dig for! (to the gang) Whaddya say, guys?

**Eric:** (reluctantly leaves) I say I'm out of here. Sorry, Edward.

(The rest, except Edward, follows suit)

**Edward:** Oh well. (digs with both arms) I'll save them some.

(Principal Walker is seen shining his - ironically enough - tennis shoes, as he hums. He laughs as he takes out a basketball. He drags his open palm across his tongue, and he walks over to the basketball court. He gets into playing position, cracking his back every so often, followed by his fingers)

**Principal Walker:** (squints hard) Oh, it's trophy time.

(He dribbles the ball and makes a toss, but then an airborne pile of dirt slams into it. The ball ends up crashing through a window. Walker screams bloody murder, and he pants heavily as he quickly switches back to his regular shoes)

**Principal Walker:** (another pile of dirt comes in, but this time it lands on him) WHERE DID THIS DIRT COME FROM?! (slaps it away and grunts in anger, but it falls back on him)

(He realizes it's coming from Edward, and he storms up to him)

**Principal Walker:** WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

**Edward:** Digging for valuable artifacts.

**Principal Walker:** WE ALREADY COVERED THIS! There is *nothing* worth digging for here! I. ***LIED!!!*** Just so you fools could dig a spot for my basketball court!

**Edward:** Come on, you're only saying that to make me feel better. (continues digging) You're too kind, Mr. Walker.

**Principal Walker:** (gets an idea) May I, uh, see that shovel real quick?

**Edward:** (hands it to him) Sure.

(He "accidentally" snaps it apart)

**Principal Walker:** Oops! (zooms off and sits down on a bench. He unties his shoelaces, takes off his normal shoes, applies spray to his tennis shoes, and puts the tennis shoes back on. He cleans his basketball and smells it) Do I smell a perfect game?

(Tons of pebbles rain down on him)

**Edward:** (singing as he tries to break open a rock with his shovel) I'll be digging up fossils all day long!

(Walker stomps up to him)

**Edward:** My trustworthy wristwatch detects an archaeological item underneath this rock.

(Walker hastily lifts up the rock, puts it between his teeth, and shatters it with one bite)

**Principal Walker:** Guess it was wrong. (zooms back to the court) Ok, basketball! Bring it!

(He slams a perfect shot into the hoop)

**Principal Walker:** Ooh yeah.

(And again)

**Principal Walker:** (aims one finger at the sky) Ah, papa-jama!

(We see him scoring three other perfect shots into the hoop)

**Principal Walker:** Ok, Gaylord. You are one score away from a perfect game. Come...on...

(He runs up, and he makes a goofy face as he tosses the basketball. The camera focuses on a slow-mo shot of it landing into the hoop)

**Scoreboard:** Congratulations! 100-point game!

**Principal Walker:** (breathes for air in excitement) ONE HUNDRED POOOOIIIIINNNTTTSSSS! (shakes his buttocks, and starts spinning around) Can ya feel it? Can ya feel it? Can ya feel it? Can ya feel it? (falls on his back) Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! (stands back up) Oh yeahahahahahaha!

(Suddenly, Edward comes in, drilling with a jackhammer)

**Edward:** OH, HI, MR. WALKER!

(Due to the jackhammer shaking everything, the basketball is shot through the hoop in reverse by itself)

**Scoreboard:** Oops! I mean, air ball! 0 points!

(On the scoreboard, an animation of a basketball deflating plays)

**Edward:** SEE YA, MR. WALKER! HAPPY EXERCISING! (leaves)

(Walker stares in silence for a second. Then, he gets so angry that his face turns blood red, and the lenses of his glasses shatter to pieces)

(Later, he is muttering in anger as he heads to his office)

**Principal Walker:** (slams the door shut and mocks Edward) Don't worry, Mr. Walker! I'll find something in the- GADABLABLABLABBITYBLA! (puts his palms against his forehead) I work hard, I play hard, I eat my chicken tendies and drink my milky! And what do I get?! (focus on Edward digging) A glasses kid with a digging addiction! (facepalms) Ok, there's only one thing to stop this. A good ol' fashioned dose of yelling.

(He opens the window)

**Principal Walker:** EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

(Edward gets startled, and the shovel flies away similarly to a boomerang. It slams into Walker's skull, knocking him out cold. The shovel swings back to Edward, and he grabs it without even having to look back)

**Edward:** Come on, guys. (turns around) I'm trying to work.

(He's surprised to find nothing)

**Edward:** Huh. I thought I heard someone.

(Back in the office, stars and basketballs circle Walker's head, until he hears something)

**Michael Jordan:** (offscreen) Hey, Walker. Come here.

**Principal Walker:** (stands back up, with dizzying pupils) Huh?

**Michael Jordan:** (sitting in Walker's chair) If Edward finds at least one thing, he'll stop digging. (hands him a gold bar) Here, have my retirement funds. (laughs as he fades away)

**Principal Walker:** But that's not... (rapidly shakes his head around, regaining his consciousness) gold...?

(It turns out to be a chocolate bar, but then he spots a yellow paint bucket in the corner. He gets an idea)

**Principal Walker:** Maybe that Michael Jordan hallucination was onto somethin'. (lathers the yellow paint onto the chocolate bar)

(Outside, Walker approaches Eric)

**Principal Walker:** Felicitations, Edward. Found any fossils today?

**Edward:** (with a metal detector) Nope, not yet. But this highly advanced metal detector I built out of twigs and berries has a good feeling about this spot.

**Principal Walker:** Speaking of feelings, I have a feeling about a feeling to *that* spot over there! (snaps Edward's neck to the direction of a faraway spot that has a sign reading "GOLD DOWN BELOW") See it?

**Edward:** I didn't know that spot was there, and I sure as heck never detected any gold.

**Principal Walker:** I have a feeling that if you dig over there, you'll find something better than fossils -- gold! You'll find 'em within two or three shovels worth of dirt.

**Edward:** I'll dig over there once I'm done with this spot. (starts digging)

**Principal Walker:** Great idea! You should dig there once you're done with this spot!

(Beat)

**Principal Walker:** (realizing what he just said) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! (picks him up)

**Edward:** Huh?

(Walker starts carrying over to the decoy he set up)

**Edward:** Hey, I wasn't finished yet!

**Principal Walker:** There. Now start digging.

**Edward:** Well...alright. (begins digging)

(Walker chuckles)

**Edward:** Aw, nothing! I knew there wasn't any gold here.

**Principal Walker:** (opens his eyes in shock) Wait, wha-?!

**Edward:** No gold here. False advertising, I guess.

**Principal Walker:** (runs through Edward, opening and closing his body like a saloon door) Get outta my way!

(Walker starts rapidly digging down with his bare hands)

**Principal Walker:** Why isn't it here?!

**Edward:** I don't think there's anything down there, Principal Walker.