Heists

**Heists** are an eventful game mode within the game that is Grand Theft Auto V, also known as Gym 9. There were six heists throughout the game including a two-player heist that Gene and John didn't do.

These heists involved setup missions involving multiple failures by members of the LBG. The most famous of the setup mission failures was the truck mission where Beecher and Jack kept crashing their trucks into trees, ditches, and the infamous river. "NOT THE RIVER!"

## Part 1

The final heist was called the Pacific Standard Job. The setups were the usual round of failures and mishaps. But then came time to perform the heist itself. At the beginning of this heist, the rapture began and demons fell from the skies. The bridges between dimensions parted and all laws and truths the world has ever known ceased to exist. Up became down, left became right, hot became cold, and Jew became good. What I'm getting at is, it was a really hard fucking heist. There was a really difficult shooter part, but nothing compared to the nightmarish bikes section.

In something out of a time travel sci-fi, whenever two of us would die in the bikes section, we would all immediately be transported in time back to the start of the bikes section. This happened at least 10 times. Oh, and it was a timed mission, so we had to go fast like sonic the hedgehog vroom vroom. Eventually, we all got gud and started consistently reaching the end of the bikes section, but this raised new problems. First, John forgot how to ride a bike and ended up dying twice in one run, and got confined to the kiddy seat as Beecher's passenger. Once that was resolved, a new problem arose. Through reasons unknown to all (but suspected to have something to do with rogue LBG member Chewy), Gene's parachute would malfunction during the climactic cliff jump and he would fall to his death. Upon being reincarnated, it would then work as normal.

In the final attempt, everything went well until Gene's parachute once again didn't deploy, and he faceplanted into the cliff face. Thankfully, we had a life to spare, so he respawned and ran down the hill like a runaway slave to the getaway boat. But because he sucks, he got stuck in the forest, and couldn't run fast enough, so he had to kill a poor civilian, steal their car, drive to the riverbank, and make a break for the boat before the group finally escaped with 20 seconds to spare.

With their initial $1,000,000 take down to a measly $550,000, the four heisters took a celebratory photograph (pictured above). Since Gene and Beecher were lesser individuals who could not afford cameras, Jack had to take the photograph with his fancy Steam-powered F12 camera. Finally, they split the money, vowed never to speak of this again, and went their separate ways.

That is, until they reunited for Yeah Boi, but that is a story for another day...

## Part 2

And that day is today! Except instead of Yeah Boi, we decided to redo the Pacific Standard Job because we're masochists. And because we're *super* masochists, we did it on Hard, where you have zero lives to spare instead of one.

The heist setups started fairly unceremoniously; the LBGF crew made it through the first two setups with only one casualty. Then, they reached the the third setup. The stars on the side of the building next to the parking lot where the shootouts start symbolized that the LBG's chances of success were astronomically small. Shootout after shootout followed, and things were going surprisingly well until *it* happened. Gene, in a fit of lemming pride, jumped off of the roof when there was only one enemy left. Beecher watched in horror as he fell to the earth, soaking the pavement in blood. As if to add insult to injury, the last surviving enemy poured some bullets into Gene's mangled corpse, as the "Setup Failed" sign appeared on the screens of poor Beecher, John, and Jack. Gene proceeded to die three more times and then get Platinum. Jack died a couple times as well, but the fact that Gene got Platinum was a crime to humanity and righteousness itself.

Since the heist setups for the Pacific Standard can be equated to the four horsemen of the apocalypse, if the third setup was War, then the fourth setup was Death. Countless bodies of NPC soldiers, innocent car-driving civilians, and heist members fell throughout the 15-20 attempts at this mission. The helicopter that appeared over the horizon each time was a symbolic signal of the wars to come, like a scene out of a Vietnam flick. Except instead of Creedence Clearwater, the only band playing was the the music of Hell itself. The armored car with its one-shotting turret, some abysmal vehicle pathing, and civilians driving murder cars ended many a run as Beecher, Gene, Jack, and John all died time upon time upon time again. In what would be their successful run, they had all but Beecher in the armored car and Beecher in the van. Together they drove straight through the river Styx, killing Hades' underlings in their cars and choppers, until they met their final challenge - the three-headed dog at the end of it all - the gas tank. In a scene out of an action movie, somehow Jack and co. managed to start blowing up a gas tank, and as Beecher drove by it, it exploded. Dodging shreds of flaming debris, Beecher was able to make it past and to the final stretch, where he finally parked the smoking pile of shit that used to be a van inside the shed, finally completing the setup.

One setup remained, and then the heist itself. But with no lives to spare, and the difficulty they had the first time, it was a grim road ahead. But the Group Flock was determined to beat it, no matter the challenge. That is, unless one of them had some Calculus homework to do.

The fifth setup was about bikes.

Then finally came the finale. With a zesty 1.25 million take, the four heroes gathered in the bank and intimidated some poor civilians, murdered some guards, demolished shit, and left-clicked a bunch. They reached the opening to the bank, and prepared for a shootout. Shooting rockets at cop cars, at each other, and at individual cops, they made their way through the alleys and died dozens of times. It sucked. Fortunately, through some dumb luck they were able to make it to the dreaded bikes section. The bikes brought them many flashbacks to the first playthrough, of John deaths and failures.

The first death was a telling sign. It was prophetic in the sense that it signified the deaths to come. Five *fucking* seconds into the bike section, Jack and John crashed into each other, dying and cutting our take down by a million. There were then two more John deaths and a Beecher death. John was once again put in timeout on Beecher's backseat. On the final, successful run, Beecher, John, and Jack jumped off the cliff and pulled out their parachute, and then waited with fear and dread as Gene jumped off.

Would his parachute break? That was the question on everyone's minds on that day. And when he jumped, the Earth stood still. Thankfully, the parachute came out. But it was not over yet. After the other three landed and got in the boat, they waited for Gene to descend. They saw him descend through the sky, in what could only be described as a chaotic fall, twisting and turning, barely missing trees and then crashing face first into the water. And as Gene got in the boat, the group celebrated that they made over 200,000$ more on this heist than last time. Still 500,000 short of the maximum take, but nobody's perfect.

## Part 3: Doing it All Over Again (and in order)

"Why do we do this to ourselves?"

This is the question the LBGF crew would forever ask themselves. But whether it be Lester, Trevor, or the acronym-pronouncing douche pictured to the right, the LBGF was content to let themselves be bullied into doing jobs for money in a third round of heists - in order. Why? For some bonus money that we probably don't even need.

Below is the current progress of this great endeavor.

 Humane Labs Raid
 Series A Funding
John sucking at the finale

Join me as I chronicle this heist odyssey. Below is a case study of how we would never be able to get the achievement for doing it all in a row without dying. Ever.

Day 1: The Fleeca Job went without many issues. Jack and Gene got through it fairly easily, as did Beecher and John (with a minor hiccup with John not being able to beat a grade-school minigame).

Day 2: Then came the Prison job. Having just done this one in first person, we all thought we'd be adventurous little adventurers and shake things up. Throughout the setups, we swapped our usual roles and did things we hadn't done before. We felt confident going into the heist. One of us even said we'd "finish the whole heist tonight." And how naive we were. "Just, one, huh? I thought the drug laws were keeping us full" was the mantra we all heard *over* and *over* and *over* as we failed time and time again at the heist. Jets continued to shoot Jack down, reducing him to a whiny mess by the end of the night. In our final attempt, we failed as we were ready to leave the runway, with Gene dying to the pigs. We gave up for the night.

Day 3: The next day we struck back, determined to beat the Prison job. We played it safe and reverted to our original roles, and everyone was in top form, playing at their maximum skill level, and even killing the infamous "just one" guard. But it was still not to be. Three times, *three fucking times*, Jack's shitty college Internet went out for half a second, and as the Rockstar Gods deemed it, that was enough to revert all of our progress each and every time. We gave up after the third time and played some Pictionary like the little babies we were, with Jack of course getting 0 internet issues in the long time spent playing it.

Day 4: After many delays, the crew reunited for their third attempt at the Prison break finale. With their minds set, Beecher and Jack made their journey through the treacherous prison, annihilating the Just One Guard with a rocket launcher. With his shooty skills, Jack carried Rashkovsky and poor ammo-less Beecher through the prison, and escaped with minimal damage. Arriving at the airfield, John arrived in what could only be described as maximum panic. Making a few loops around, he finally settled down. As cops shot their armor to bits, Jack and Beecher boarded the plane and quickly reapplied their armor, and John prepared to take off... until he remembered the point of this whole heist - Rashkovsky had not yet boarded! The three of them sat there awkwardly, and once Rashkovsky was in, John floored it, thankfully bumping over the cop car right in front of them. Completing the rest of the heist successfully, Beecher was awarded the Platinum medal despite not doing anything of worth. Afterwards, they all celebrated at Gene's weird hipster apartment. But while everyone else was drinking and getting high, Jack was full of murderous intent as he plotted to assassinate Beecher for stealing the Platinum medal for the heist right out from under him.

Day 5: Day 5 went fairly easily, with only a few hiccups. After getting past the game-breaking "deal was compromised" setup, the remaining three setup missions that the crew did went by without much issue, until the chopper mission. Shaking things up, Beecher piloted the chopper instead of Gene, and at the very end, he crashed into a tree, flipped upside down, and stuck the landing!... until Gene fell out and got mowed down. Gene then piloted it and landed properly. Afterwards, the crew went on an adventure to assassinate the "just one" guard, which was very successful.

Days 6-8: The next few days progressed very slowly, thanks to Internet issues, general ded-ness, interviews, dates, a capellas, shootings, projects, papers, and so on. However, over these next three days the crew finished the Humane Labs raid and the shitty Series A Funding heist. The Humane Labs went fairly well, except for one major fuckup where John forgot how to breathe and cost us the mission. Jack also flew the helicopter, which was nothing short of a disaster, but we made it to the end. The Series A heist went swimmingly; the heist team even beat the dreaded trash trucks mission in one try.

Now it comes down to the Pacific Standard, for the third and final time. How many times will John die in the biker finale? How many times will Gene commit suicide? Will Gene's parachute work? How much of the 1.2 million take will the crew actually get away with? All these answers and more, on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z!

Day[9]: The Pacific Standard setups went fairly well. They breezed through the first four setups, including the difficult third and fourth one.

The fifth setup was about bikes.

Day 10: Oh woe is us. "Why do we do this to ourselves" is the question we asked ourselves again. After literal weeks of struggling, it was time for the Pacific Standard finale. We had it all prepared. Full ammo, fully stocked with super heavy armor, our heist gear equipped, and planned routes for the pre-bikes and bikes sections. We started and everything was going well, with Beecher carrying the full load of 1.25 million. They successfully navigated their way to the bikes, only losing pocket change on the way.

Making it to the bikes, they decided to give John one chance, instead of immediately restricting him to someone's backseat. And *that* was where they fucked up. Sure enough, John managed to break his bike, forcing Gene to go back and pick him up after some confusion. Beecher and Jack successfully made their way to the dinghy, and were forced to sit there and wait as Gene drove the cliffs and they parachuted. But alas, time ran out with Gene on the boat and John *just* about to board, and they failed and had to restart.

On their second attempt, they made it to the end with little trouble, but then John's parachute didn't deploy. After John burned down his entire dorm in rage and Jack contemplated suicide, they began their third attempt, which would finally be successful. They escaped with 900,000 dollars. 200k better than their last attempt, but still 300k short of what they would have gotten on that oh-so disappointing first attempt.

Then Gene was the only one to get All in Order. So that was a thing. We all collectively said "fuck this game," let Gene uninstall it to free up **half of his hard drive**, and prepared to fuck ourselves over with heisting once more... in PAYDAY 2.

RIP John's bike and parachute 2016-2016, screwed us out of 300 grand

## Part 4

Like true suicidal maniacs, the crew started their fourth runthrough of the heists.

They skipped Fleeca Job because it sucks.

Prison Job went fairly well, possibly the first time the finale was completed with no deaths. The EMP and shitty Trevor heists also went off without a hitch.

As always, it came to a close on the Pacific Standard. The setups went better than usual, with the hard third and fourth setups being done in one or two tries.

The fifth setup was about bikes.

On the finale, they were determined to finish in one try for the first time ever. John was *immediately* relegated to Beecher's backseat, but they had a run in with a pair of trees that wedged their bike. Grabbing a cop car and surviving, things were looking clear until Gene crashed at an inopportune place surrounded by cops, and slowly died to gunfire before anyone could come to his rescue. They succeeded on their second try; Jack did crash into a billboard, but managed to survive the police and get picked up by Gene. As a show of mercy, the parachutes all deployed successfully, and the four boarded the boat to complete the heist. But the worst danger had yet to surface.

Through happenstance, John found himself being the boat's driver. At the final moments of the heist, completely surprised to have actual agency during the finale, John swerved the boat to the right, and very nearly beached it. Thankfully, he managed to correct himself and the crew went back to the warehouse to listen to Lester talk about skinny-dipping again.

Maybe *next time* we'll beat the finale in one try. Hell, maybe we'll skip all the other shitty heists and just get to the good stuff. But while Beecher's appearance passed off as human during this run of heists, the next time will feature the upcoming pinnacle of human evolution. The Day of VII will come.

## Part 5

It was time for a fifth runthrough. Why? Because we hate ourselves.

Once again, they opted to skip the Fleeca Job because it's nothing more than a drawn-out, slowly-paced tutorial with little replay value. This time, though, they also opted to skip Series A Funding, or "the shitty Trevor heist." This was because it was an underwhelming heist with an incredibly lackluster finale. Not to mention the Trash Trucks setup, one of the most difficult setups in the entire game, and not in a good way.

So with that, it was down to the big three - Prison Job, Humane Labs, and Pacific Standard. This would remain the proper heist order for all future runthroughs to come.

They performed the Prison Job extremely well, failing a few setups in comically bad ways but completing the finale on their first try, this time with John instead of Beecher as the prisoner, and Beecher being the pilot. It was decided the Prison Job finale would be the canon explanation for Beecher's intense plastic surgery changes in order to change his identity. This time, the much-hated VII was replaced with VIII.

Humane Labs went similarly; a few spectacular fails in the early setups, but a clean first try at the stealth mission, and once again a successful first try on the finale. Beecher forgot to equip his armor, but it worked out as Jack slaughtered everyone inside with no remorse.

As always, it came down to the Pacific Standard. They breezed through the first two setups as usual, and only died once on the third setup to an armorless-Jack death. Then for the ambush setup they beat it on their first try, albeit barely. The truck was pulled into the garage in a smoking heap, but managed to make it without blowing up.

The fifth setup was about bikes.

Ah, the finale. Though they tried and tried, they'd never beaten it on the first try, and their final take always dipped below $1,000,000. This time, they were determined to do it. Beecher had a smart plan of optimizing their potential take and their chances of survival - having only one person (Jack) take the money, having only two bikers (Beecher and Gene) with the other two shooting in the back seat. This is something they had already been half-doing with John as Beecher's eternal passenger, but fully committing to it might have been their best shot. And so it was - the four survived on their first try for the first time ever - and with over a million in their final take to boot. They had done not only this but all three heist finales in one attempt. They then went on to win two games of CSGO as well.

What will happen next? The Criminal Masterminds all-in-order-and-deathless challenge? Mastering the seemingly impossible Elite Challenges? Rockstar releasing more heists? Most likely, none of these things will happen. But one thing will happen for sure - and that is Beecher IX.