RoboCop (2003)

***RoboCop*** is an episode of Just Bad Games released on June 17, 2019. It is the second episode of the series.

This is the first episode to feature Adam as co-host.

## Transcript

**Shane**: *RoboCop* is a classic sci-fi film that took a satirical look at society through the lens of a not too distant future cyberpunk Detroit. The film spawned a successful franchise, generating sequels, TV shows, cartoons, and toys. The popularity of *RoboCop* spawned many video game adaptations as well- everything from arcades and home computers to consoles and handhelds. But today, we're gonna talk about a particularly special home console release: *RoboCop '03*.

**Adam**: Now when you think of an adaptation to a beloved property into the world of video games, you'd hope that a developer comes along that understands the legacy of a franchise, and uses the medium of gaming to propel its characters and ideas to new heights.

**Shane**: So who exactly developed *RoboCop '03*? *(record scratch)* T-Titus? Wait, didn't they develop-

*[Superman 64]*

-we're doomed.

**Adam**: The game opens with an awesome CG cutscene, where RoboCop has to deal with a gang that really hates vans, I guess?

**Shane**: RoboCop just casually **peels back the roof of his car** to say-

**RoboCop**: This is the police.

**Shane**: Ha ha. Can we hear that one more time?

**RoboCop**: This is the police.

**Shane**: Great tactic to defuse a situation, RoboCop: scare the crap out of everyone!

**Adam**: Couple questions: when did they start making cars out of fondant? Also, how many squad cars does RoboCop go through in a month?

**Shane:** "RoboCop! You ruined another f\*\*\*\*\*g squad car"! You get a crappy gunfight in which RoboCop takes out an ED-209 with a single bullet! You think they're setting the bar low now? Well, it gets much worse.

**RoboCop**: You have been warned.

**Adam**: Every mission starts out with RoboCop getting briefed by one of his superiors, and in the dark, crime and death-riddled neo-Detroit, what does this gruff senior officer have to say?

**Officer**: Hello, RoboCop. We just got a hot tip. According to one of our snitches, a shipment of BrainDrain is going to-

**Adam**: This game was written by a third-grader.

**Shane**: And in multiple cutscenes, the default subtitles don't even match what's being said by the characters on screen.

**Officer**: The next BrainDrain delivery is at the old cathedral. Get over there and check things out. And hey, be careful.

**Shane**: Wow. That's- that's some chemistry there.

**Adam**: Following each and every briefing, RoboCop awkwardly leaves his special robot chair to head out on a mission, at which point, he draws his weapon- every single time.

**Shane**: You can't just walk around with a loaded weapon pointed in the air everywhere you go, especially in a building! Does he really brandish his weapon the entire way to the crime scene? Is his gun drawn as he rides the elevator down to his car? Is it drawn while he waits for civilians to cross at an intersection? Is it drawn when he stops to help a kitten out of a tree?

**Adam**: When you finally get into the first mission of the game, you're going to notice a lot of interesting design choices, like how a mechanically precise machine like RoboCop aims his gun with the stability of microwaved butter.

**Shane**: Or the fact that with every step RoboCop takes, it sounds like a dentist is tooling a moat into your gums.

**Adam**: Or that there are like, three or four enemy character models per stage.

**Shane**: And then, we get this.

**Adam**: Is- is that baby food?

**Shane**: Yes, it is, and it's dumb. I'd like to introduce everyone to what we call "franchise key jingling": little, distracting callbacks so fans think "hey, I remember that"! You see, in the 1987 RoboCop film, there's a short scene about a paste that sustains RoboCop's organic tissue. A character remarks that it tastes kinda like baby food.

**Adam**: And that's why the dev team made health pickups baby food?

**Shane**: Yes!

**Adam**: But in the original movie, RoboCop doesn't actually eat baby food? His paste just kind of tastes like it?

**Shane**: Yes!

**Adam**: That's dumb.

**Shane**: Yes! And you're gonna find more key jingling reused throughout. Remember when RoboCop spun his gun like, twice in the original film? It's now a dedicated button. Remember when RoboCop shot that thug that had taken a hostage? You're gonna see that scenario multiple times. The developers probably assumed these were great callbacks to the source material, but it comes off as shallow pandering.

**Adam**: This wouldn't be so bad if the game was a competent first-person shooter, but along with bad aiming, you got sniper and heat vision, which both take their sweet time to activate. And then there's a lock-on mode. RoboCop is supposed to be able to lock on to several different enemies at once. Here's the thing: if there's a physical barrier between you and your target, you mindlessly waste all of your ammo. RoboCop just won't stop firing. Seriously, I'm not pressing the fire button here.

**Shane**: Oh, but if you do manage to get a clear shot at a target, RoboCop aims- oh, how do I put this? He aims very, very specifically.

**Adam**: RoboCop likes the Bob Barker approach to criminal reduction.

**Shane**: "Remember to spay and neuter your criminals by shooting them in the d\*\*k"! As far as level design, the developers went out of their way to make your path through each and every stage vague and obtuse. "Give the player a waypoint system or map? Nah! They'll figure it out"! Critical sections of a level are easy to miss, and sometimes, you just stumble onto things, like sticks of dynamite that you need to clear barriers that are blocking the rest of the level. This isn't rewarding exploration; it just feels like busy work.

**Adam**: Speaking of busy work, in *RoboCop '03*, you've got secondary objectives, like-

**Shane**: "Arrest gangsters".

**Adam**: and-

**Shane**: "Free the hostages".

**Adam**: Now, the-

**Shane**: "Arrest gangsters".

**Adam**: -aspect of this game is about as lazy as you would imagine. Sometimes, thugs are cool with you arresting them immediately; other times, you have to shoot their kneecaps until they decide to come along peacefully- or maybe just vanish, I guess.

**Shane**: When you free hostages, they just vanish too. Did they escape? This lovable tipsy hobo just collapses to the ground and then disintegrates after being rescued. I honestly don't know what's going on. I'm gonna miss that guy.

**Adam**: Nevertheless, I'm getting a sneaking suspicion that freeing hostages is a priority. When we get to the second level, the city dump, our police friend has some suggestions:

**Officer**: RoboCop, there are civilians in your sector. You've got to get them out as fast as possible. (x10, with each instance speeding up)

**Shane**: "What was that, Kenneth? I didn't catch it the first time"! I wish that was the worst of the in-game dialogue, but RoboCop won't stop talking, either. And it's not Peter Weller doing the voice, it's someone completely different! He announces every single item he picks up off the ground like he's a two-year old that learned a brand new word.

**RoboCop**: Ammunition. Energy. Shield. "Apple. Puppy. Hippity hop. (baby laugh)"

**Shane**: RoboCop also cycles through callback lines from the film that completely fall flat because they're just randomly peppered into gameplay.

**RoboCop**: Thank you for your cooperation. Citizens like you make my job worthwhile. Freeze, sucker! Oh, yeah!

**Adam**: Wait wait wait! I think we can make that last line work.

*(Line spliced over the scene where RoboCop busts open his car)*

**Shane**: Really though, I think the audio snippet that gets to me the most is when you die. Listen to this:

*???*: (over booing) Does the phrase "police academy" ring any bell? Go sign up!

**Shane**: That's right! A police officer is downed in the line of duty, and he's heckled like he sang off-key on *X Factor*! Have some respect, people! RoboCop died protecting your streets!

**Adam**: If that isn't bad enough, when you fail a level in *RoboCop '03*, you have to replay the entirety of the level over again. There's no checkpoint system in this game. But it's okay, because I never get tired of cutscenes like this:

**Thug**: Oh no! RoboCop! (continuously laughs)

**Shane**: Whatever flimsy story they slapped into this game, it's relayed through these crappy cutscenes. They also have these in-between level segments that try to mimic the news reports from the original movie, but it's not really well written and doesn't capture the dark, satirical nature of the original film at all.

**Adam**: And you probably wouldn't even notice how all of these other things were problematic in the game if other elements had made up for it, like compelling action.

**Shane**: Well then, let's talk about boss fights. They are abysmal, like this fight with ED-209. Nah, it's nothing like the intro. You can just take aim and carefully tiptoe around the robot until it kind of falls over. Success!

**Adam**: Or this boss fight in the second level, in which- I guess we stumbled upon it early, we didn't trigger it-

**RoboCop**: Come quietly or there will be trouble!

**Adam**: Shh. He's sleeping.

**Shane**: And then there's this character who might as well have been a boss. The game is actually easy going enemy-wise, until you cross paths with this robot carrying some kind of explosive laser weapon. If you are anywhere near their blast zone, it is pretty much a guaranteed game over.

**Adam**: And even if you know where these enemies are placed in the level, they make the game absolutely infuriating to get through. We died again and again. They just soak up damage and mindlessly fire their insta-death weapons.

**Shane**: On the back of the game box, it says the game has "adaptive AI with enemy behavior adapting to the situation". Oh, really?

*(Caption: They lied.)*

**Adam**: Honestly, I don't know how they did it, but every antagonist in this game seems confused. You know what? I don't blame them. We've got questions, too. Hey, why is RoboCop fighting a giant sewer rat?

**Shane**: Why is RoboCop in a medieval castle **in Detroit**?

**Adam**: Why does RoboCop have an infinitely-respawning bullet when he's out of ammo?

**Shane**: Why can't RoboCop step over a three inch high division?

**Adam**: Why does it take so long to scroll through your weapons?

**Shane**: Why does this enemy lose its color and texture out of nowhere?

**Adam**: Why are the three hostages in this room the exact same character model?

**Shane**: Wait, hold on! I think I figured this all out.

**Adam**: What, really?

**Shane**: Yeah! **IT'S JUST BAD.**

**RoboCop**: Fun's over!