Melvin's Bad Cruise Line

This is About a Vacation in Spring Break.

## Before the Vacation

### Alex and the Clouds

* **Marty:** Aren't the clouds beautiful? They look like big balls of cotton. I could just lie here all day and watch them drift by. If you use your imagination, you can see lots of things in the cloud's formations. What do you think you see, Melmen?
* **Melmen:** Well, those clouds up there look to me look like the map of the British Honduras on the Caribbean. That cloud up there looks a little like the profile of Thomas Eakins, the famous painter and sculptor. And that group of clouds over there... ...gives me the impression of the Stoning of Stephen. I can see the Apostle Paul standing there to one side.
* **Marty:** Uh huh. That's very good. What do you see in the clouds, Alex?
* **Alex:** Well... I was going to say I saw a duckie and a horsie... **...but I changed my mind.**

### Football Kick Fail

* **Lucy van Pelt:** *[holding a football]* Charlie Brown! Oh, Charlie Brown!
* **Charlie Brown:** I can't believe it. She must think I'm the most stupid person alive.
* **Lucy:** Come on, Charlie Brown. I'll ***hold*** the ball and you kick it.
* **Charlie Brown:** ***"Hold it"?*** **Ha! You'll pull it away and I'll land flat on my back and kill myself.**
* **Lucy:** But Charlie Brown, I Won't Lie to you.
* **Charlie Brown:** Are you Sure?
* **Lucy:** Absolutely. Come on, Charlie Brown. It's a big honor for you.
* **Charlie Brown:** Well, if it's that important, a person should never turn down a big honor. Maybe I *should* do it. Besides, she wouldn't try to trick me. **This time** **I'm gonna kick that football clear to the moon!** *[runs to kick the ball, but Lucy pulls it away]* **AAAUUUGH!** *[falls flat on his back]*
* **Lucy:** **APRIL FOOLS, CHARLIE BROWN!**
* **Charlie Brown:** Good Grief.. *[Snoopy Laughs]*
* **Lucy:** I oughta slug you! *[SLURP!]* **AAUGH! I've been kissed by a dog! I have dog germs! Get hot water! Get some disinfectant! Get some iodine!**
* **Snoopy:** **Bleah!**
* **Grover:** I Really Can't Understand why Alex got trapped in a Box.
* **Big Bird:** Well, He was Shot by Elmer Fudd, Then he was sent onto a Train.

## During The Vacation

* **Alex:** Ow, my head! What the-- I'm in a box! Oh no! Not the box! Oh no, they can't trap ME! NOT ME! I can't breathe, can't breathe! Darkness creeping in. I can't breathe. Walls closing in around me! So alone. So alone--
* **Marty:** Alex? Alex, are you there?
* **Alex:** Marty?
* **Marty:** Yeah! Talk to me, bud!
* **Alex:** Oh, Marty, you're here!
* **Marty:** What's going on? Are you okay?
* **Alex:** This doesn't look good, Marty.
* **Gloria:** Alex, Marty, is that you?
* **Marty:** Gloria!
* **Alex:** You're here, too!
* **Marty:** I am lovin' the sound of your voice!
* **Gloria:** What is going on?
* **Alex:** We're all in crates!
* **Gloria:** Oh, no! What--
* **Melman:** Man, sleeping just knocks me out.
* **Alex:** Melman!
* **Gloria:** Are you okay?
* **Melman:** Yeah. I often doze off while I'm getting an MRI.
* **Alex:** Melman, you're not getting an MRI!
* **Melman:** CAT scan?
* **Alex:** No! No CAT scan! It's a vacation! It's a VACATION!
* **Melman:** Vacation?! No, I can't go. I have an appointment with Dr. Goldberg at 5:00. There are prescriptions that have to be filled! No other zoo can afford my medical care, and I am NOT going HMO!
* **Marty:** Take it easy, Melman. We are gonna be o-kiz-ay!
* **Alex:** No, Marty, we're not gonna be o-kiz-ay. Now, because of you, we're ruined!
* **Marty:** Excuse me, I fail to see how this is my fault.
* **Gloria:** You're kidding, right Marty?
* **Alex:** You! You ticked off the people! You bit the hand, Marty! You bit the hand! "I don't know who I am! I don't know who I am! I gotta go find myself in the WILD!"
* **Marty:** Hey hey.
* **Alex:** Oh please.
* **Marty:** I did not ask you to come after me, did I?
* **Melman:** He does have a point.
* **Alex:** What?
* **Melman:** I did say we should have stayed at the zoo but, you guys--
* **Alex:** Melman, just shut it! You're the one who gave him this idea in the first place!
* **Gloria:** Alex, would you just leave Melman out of this, please!
* **Melman:** Thank you, Gloria. Besides, it's not my fault that we were transferred!
* **Gloria:** Melman, shut it. Does anyone feel nauseous?
* **Melman:** I feel nauseous.
* **Alex:** Melman, you always feel nauseous.

### At Dinnertime

* **Skipper:** Okay Everyone, Dinner is Served.
* **Alex:** What the f\*ck is this?! A slice of pizza, potato chips, popcorn? What bastard cooked all this? What kind of Cruise dinner is this?
* **Elmo:** You were kind of rough on The Penguins, weren't you, Lion?
* **Alex:** **"ROUGH"!?** Look at this! Is this what you call a **F\*cking Dinner?** Did we come across town for this?
* **Elmo:** Now wait a minute, Lion. Did he invite you here to dinner, or did you invite yourself, and us, too?
* **Alex:** Gee, I never thought of it like that. You think I hurt Marty's feelings? I bet I hurt his feelings. Why can't I act right outside of a Porn Artist?