PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECTS OF ACNE

**PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECTS OF ACNE** is the 9th post on the WonderlandWardrobe blog.

## Content

If you were to ask me what my biggest insecurity is, within 1/100th of a second I could tell you, it’s my skin. My skin may look nice on camera, but let me tell you- my best friends are good lighting, makeup, and photoshop. Acne is something that I’ve struggled with for the past ten years years of my life. And I don’t just mean a few bumps here and there… I mean real ACNE; lots of big blemishes, large pores, white heads, black heads, discoloration and very oily skin. Not to mention, the monthly cluster of cystic zits {very large, hard cysts that lie deep under the skin} that are not only painful, but also make me feel compelled to go hide under a rock. I feel as if many people don’t truly understand how psychologically damaging acne can be, so I have decided to share my story with you. I hope I bring light to the situation, as well as help my fellow acne victims in knowing that they are not alone.

I’ve always said that I would practically sign my life away for clear skin; I’ve joked around by saying things such as I would cut off my own finger or even pay thousands of dollars. People may laugh and say that’s a bit extreme, but to me it really doesn’t seem like much. I believe that there is truly nothing worse than feeling disgusting in your own skin. I think about my complexion at least 50 times every SINGLE day. It is a constant burden. I can’t even count how many times I’ve cried when I think about how amazing it would be to have clear skin…

-to simply be able to wake up, roll over and look at my boyfriend without feeling absolutely disgusting. In reality, I usually can’t even find the courage to make eye contact with him in the morning. Obviously that makes me seem very odd, so I force myself to try and act normal. But acting normal will never make me feel normal. It was especially hard at the beginning of our relationship. When you first realize you have feelings for someone, naturally you want to look your best at all times. Well, when you have acne this isn’t exactly do-able. I mean, what are you supposed to do, go to bed wearing foundation? YEP. I would literally go to bed with a thin layer of foundation on… that’s how low I felt about myself. I didn’t even want him to even look at my face! It just made me feel so… miserable. Looking back on this now I just laugh at myself. Anthony is such a wonderful boyfriend and he would never think any less of me for my bad complexion :)

-to be able to take photos without feeling paranoid. I avoid taking photos at all costs. I’m absolutely terrified of the camera unless I at least have foundation on. But even then, I still feel so vulnerable and sad.

-to be able to meet new people with confidence! Whenever I meet new people, I instantly begin worrying that they are probably thinking about how gross my skin is. I know that this most likely isn’t the case, but it doesn’t prevent the thought from being there.

-to be able to jump into a pool and not be thinking about how my face looks the entire time… or about how I spent 20 minutes doing a wonderful cover-up job just to have it ruined.

-to be able to get ready and only need to wear minimal makeup. I would just love to be able to go without face makeup, or maybe get away with just using a tinted moisturizer. I absolutely hate wearing foundation. My skin is so oily that it doesn’t absorb into my pores, it just sits on top and then rubs off within a few hours. This often gives a “cakey” appearance. And on that note, please allow me to a 10-second rant. DO NOT ever tell someone that they look cakey. It is SUCH a heartless insult. No one WANTS to wear more foundation than what they see necessary, but sometimes people get carried away with trying to cover their acne. The foundation process can often be a stressful one for those who have bad skin; one thing can quickly lead to another… and before you know it you’ve applied far too much product.

I feel like the majority of these things are taken for granted by those with clear skin. Rightfully so, because they are simply everyday occurrences. But these are the little things that I think about and long for ALL THE TIME. So why not do something about my acne? Well- I’ve tried almost every solution on the market, nothing works. I’ve tried: maintaining a regular cleaning routine, under-washing, over-washing, using gentle cleansers, using harsh cleansers, medicated creams, birth control pills… I’ve tried it all. I even keep my face makeup-free 5-6 days/week, and when I do wear it I wash it off ASAP. I’ve accepted that my acne is genetic and that there isn’t much I can do to control it. My mom had very bad acne, as well as my brother. My mom actually still has it, which isn’t a very comforting thought for me.

Unfortunately, the suffering doesn’t end here… lack of confidence isn’t the only issue that my acne has caused me. It also feeds my compulsive struggle. I am a very compulsive person and these compulsions apply to many things in my life, especially my skin. This is the part of the story where I might lose some of you. You may think I am lying or exaggerating because you simply cannot relate to what I’m saying… but I can assure you, it is very true and it is awful. I am forced to pick my face every single time I look in the mirror. Tweezers, needles, fingernails… I will use anything to remove every blemish I see and smooth it out. {When I handle my skin, I always have clean hands and try to go about it in the most gentle way… so it’s actually not quite as bad as what you’d think. But despite taking these precautions, I know it’s still unacceptable and I shouldn’t do it.} I know many people pick at their face, but I literally HAVE to do it. If I don’t, it is ALL I can think about. I only allow myself to look in the mirror when I first wake up and before I go to bed, and even then- it’s only because I need to clean my face. I often wash my face at night and then try to run and get in bed before I can find something to mess with. But 9/10 times I must get back out of bed and remove the blemishes before I can sleep. Now, I know what you’re thinking… that this is the answer to my solution! Just quit picking at my face!! But sadly, it’s not.

As difficult as it was for me, on multiple occasions I have forced myself not to touch my face for weeks on end. I cut my nails down so short that they were worthless, I hid any tools that I could possibly use, I even placed sheets over all my mirrors. But even after avoiding touching my face (other than when washing it) I was still breaking out. Probably even MORE if that’s possible! NOTHING WORKS! \*sigh\* However, I’m VERY lucky that despite being prone to acne, I have great elasticity. My skin bounces back from blemishes with little to no scarring and overall it has a nice healthy glow to it. I know things could be much worse, so I am thankful for that. However knowing that really doesn’t make it any easier to cope with. Love and support is one of the only things that truly fights the insecurity that comes with acne. I am very fortunate that I have such an amazing boyfriend who makes me feel so much more beautiful than I could ever be.

As of right now {when the photo for this post was taken} my skin is the best that it’s ever been. I’m still getting cystic flare-ups on a monthly basis, but overall my skin looks fairly decent. I actually think I may have found a method that helps diminish about 70% of my blemishes! I will be sure to write another post on my skincare routine soon… but this one is much too long for that at this point >\_< {is anyone even still reading? haha}

Despite my acne, I am a generally confident person. But I haven’t always been this way. It is something that has slowly grown over the past few years as I’ve learned to accept my flaws. I hope my story has enlightened you a little bit. I hesitated posting this because after reading it back a few times I came to the realization that this could easily be interpreted as me being bat-shit crazy. But I guess I’m willing to risk that to reach out to the people who suffer from this with me. I want them to know that we all have our flaws, but that you can get through this with a bit of love and support. I just ask that next time you see someone with acne you hesitate before saying something about how gross they are or how much makeup they have on. I want you to recall my story and think about how they must feel on a daily basis. Everyone deserves to feel beautiful, so let’s make it happen :)

Thanks for stopping by! Come back and see me tomorrow if you get lonely.

-Kalel