George Michael

*Author of Creation* redirects here.

George Michael will never die.

Pop sensation George Michael is best known for his work on the creation of the universe and as a Billboard Top 100 artist. George Michael is so sensational, human history is divided into B.G.M. and A.G.K. based on the mass release of Careless Whisper.

## Theological Accounts of George Michael

### Narnia

It is written in the sacred text of Narnia that the world was born from the song of a great lion. Few readers now realize that this great and powerful lion with his mane so majestic is actually just a metaphor for the even greater George Michael. His song: Careless Whisper.

Modern historians suggest George Michael visited his prophet, C.S. Lewis, in dreams over the course of several years, revealing his spectacular creation to the lowly human. Unable to comprehend George Michael's spectacular universe, C.S. Lewis only could represent the beauty of Careless Whisper in poorly constructed metaphors about talking beavers and Father Christmas.

### The Book of Mormon

Much later, Mormons would carry on the prophecies. While in Mormon theological texts Joseph Smith is said to speak with God, these texts are to a small degree false. In reality, Smith held audience with the pure essence of George Michael. Joseph Smith identified George Michael as God merely because of his narrow human conceptions of great beings. Smith knew about so few truly great humans, how could he have known better than to describe George Michael as anything other than God?

Also described in Mormon texts are the golden plates. Again, these were not actually golden plates, but instead George Michael's countless gold records. Smith was merely confined by his narrow human conceptions of round things. Early humans had so few round flat objects. How could Smith have known what a record was? This is why Smith falsely identified the gold records as golden plates.

Similarly, the Book of Mormon provides a scientifically valid explanation for why George Michael had so comparatively few golden records: most of Michael's works were hidden away at his own Fabulous command by Joseph Smith.

## Supposed Origins of George Michael

Nobody knows for sure from whence George Michael came. No one was there to witness the event of His Fabulousness descending from the heavens. Here, we will describe some of the most prominent theories as to the origin of George Michael.

### The Post-Modern Alchemical Interpretation

As is common knowledge from Leopold Greenwertz's work in alchemy, the three Elements were created by jazz-fusion drummer and leprechaun, Danny Gottlieb. However, some contemporary interpretations of science suggest that there may be more than three Elements. The most promising of these proposed Elements is the Element of Surprise.

The Element of Surprise in many ways derives its theoretical structure from that of the neutrino, able to oscillate between several similar forms. Currently, the theory has proposed three possible "flavours" of the Element of Surprise: Rick Astley, Shia LaBeouf, and George Michael.

These three men are presently the most obvious candidates to be the physical manifestation of the Element because they each produce an effect of absolute "Surprise", from which the proposed Element derives its name.

#### Experimental Tests of the Post-Modern Alchemical Interpretation

Naturally, such an hypothesis is difficult to accurately test. However, there have been some controversial experiments suggested which would easily prove the theory.

##### The "Russian Nesting Doll" Hypothesis

The leading experimental design to determine the existence of the Element of Surprise is inspired by the principle of homogeneous elements, which states that all pure Elements when dissected will still maintain the same composition. For instance, cutting open a Russian Nesting Doll does not destroy it, as this would violate the Law of Conservation of Russian Nesting Dolls. Rather, cutting open a Russian Nesting Doll transforms the doll into a smaller Russian Nesting Doll.

*While our Russian Nesting Dolls are not pure examples of an element, it has been hypothesized that there exists a pure Russian Nesting Doll Element which would contain infinitely more smaller Russian Nesting Dolls and likewise be inside of infinitely many larger Russian Nesting Dolls. Some say our universe may be made of a single ideal Russian Nesting Doll.*

The Russian Nesting Doll experiment proposes that were Rick Astley, Shia LaBeouf, or George Michael to be cut in half, any of the set would not contain organs, but rather infinitely many smaller versions of themselves.

*Some symmetric versions of the theory suggest Rick Astley may also contain anti-Rick Astleys (or Rick Antileys), explaining his high Constant of Detestability.*

Were the hypothesis tested successfully, it would prove irrefutably that George Michael is the Element of Surprise.

##### The "Constant of Detestability" Procedure

The Constant of Destability (or CoD) is a simple factor measured psycho-alchemically. It was the philosopher, Descartes, who, in 1964, said

> "Hatred is directly related to the failure of equilibrium of the three Elements inside one's brain."
>
>

Thus, the CoD Procedure seeks to monitor the levels of major Elements inside brains of subjects exposed to Rick Astley, Shia LaBeouf, and George Michael.

> "Surprise leads to fear. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
>
>

> -Master Yoda
>
>

Element imbalance is measured by the amount of force-chokes a given individual performs on other human subjects in respect to time. While the experimental design was approved by the FDA, Christians have been found to get particularly upset about the whole chokey-chokey thing.

### The Paranormal Explanation

Among the most viable contenders for an explanation of George Michael's existence is the Paranormal Explanation.

"Normal" obviously means normal. And "para" means next to. Thus, we can conclude that paranormal means "next to normal" as in *Next to Normal* as in the hit Broadway musical. It here becomes obvious that any paranormal explanation of George Michael would not be possible without creating a heart-wrenching rock musical. What does that sound like to you? Exactly.

The only way to scientifically explain the origin of George Michael is to write a hit rock musical about humanity struggling to write a hit rock musical about George Michael whose life is basically a rock musical. And what does that sound like to you? Exactly.

*Inception*. And since inception is real and the paranormal is obviously real, it is only logical to conclude that the George Michael it describes is real, too.

## Appearances in Pop Culture

George Michael is commonly perceived as appearing frequently in pop culture. However, these perceptions violate the observer effect of alchemy. In fact, pop culture appears within the frame of reference of the set of George Michael.

This can be described with mathemology.

# △
1

/

2
◻

{\displaystyle \triangle =1/2\square }

This is obviously true because an analysis of this equation reveals it has a speculative accuracy factor (S.A.F.) of 47, the perfect number.