Sam Archer

Dr **Sam Archer** is a celebrity TV doctor.

He has appeared on the following shows:

* BBC Two's *Is There a Doctor in the House?*
* Channel 4's *Embarrasing Penis*
* BBC Two's *Doctor Doctor*
* Channel 5's *Car Crash Anus*
* BBC Two's *What the Doctor Ordered*
* Channel 4's *Celebrity Euthanasia Live*
* BBC Radio 4's *Doctor Heal Thyself*
* Channel 4's *Cry Yourself Thin*
* BBC Two's *An Apple a Day*
* Channel 4's *Friday Night X-Ray: What's Up Your Arse? Edition*
* BBC Two's *The Doctor's Bag*
* Channel 5's *24 Hours to Save My Genitals*
* BBC Two's *Physician Impossible*
* Channel 5's *Rash Decisions*
* Sky TV's *Doctors in Danger*
* Channel 4's *Transplant Tombola Live*
* BBC Two's *Lunchtime Prescription*
* Channel 5's *The Great Big British Jubilee Prolapse Live*
* HBO's *Car Crash Anus USA*

## Appearances

Episode 7 - Yoghurt Special
Dr Sam Archer is invited onto the show to discuss how long after its sell-by-date you should eat yogurt. He states that it is one of the most dangerous things anyone can do, and lists the symptoms that could occur - nausea, sense of impending dread, clammy/sticky feeling, bloating, paralysis, shutting down of major organs, and death. He also mentions that the 'history ship' hallucination is also a known symptom.

He advises that anyone who has eaten expired yogurt should phone their family to say how much they mean to them, then seal the house with a heavy duty tape (to protect their neighbours) and wait to pass. The interview ends discussing how he prefers Embarrassing Penis UK to the US version.

Episode 10 - Gina Craig
Dr Sam Archer is invited onto the show to discuss the danger of lamb and states that it is the most dangerous meat - as dangerous as juggling chainsaws, and at least you know where the chainsaws came from. The symptoms of consuming too much lamb (i.e. a mouthful or more) are a shortness of breath, deep sense of foreboding, and the skin starts to blister. At this point he recommends sealing the house with a heavy duty tape to try and to try and pass with dignity.

He then discussing the myths surround lamb - mainly that the lamb itself isn’t dangerous but the mint sauce that is consumed with it. If a parent is concerned with their child eating lamb, he recommends using the street lingo for talking with them, such as “Bo-Peeping”, “are you feeling sleepy” (a reference to counting sheep) and “I like your jumper today” (jumper > wool > sheep > lamb).

Dr Sam Archer admits to once consuming lamb – he was offered bolognese and assumed it was beef. However, once tasted he could tell it was a fattier mince and instantly spat it out and cut all ties with the bad crowd he had fallen into.  Host asks why consuming the bolognese would have been bad, since there was no mint sauce, and Dr Sam Archer states that it is how the addiction starts – first a lamb bolognese, then a lamb chop which needs some sort of sauce with a zingy flavour and they are soon reaching for the mint.

They end the interview discussing “Car Crash Anus”, with “Car Crash Anus USA” potentially coming soon.

Episode 20 - Lamb Investigation Special
Dr Sam Archer shows Host around his local area to look for signs of lamb use (Bo-Peeping). He points out an old man, an old woman, and a young boy who represent "one for the master, one for the dame, and one for the little boy who lives down the lane". The dame facilitates the sale between the seller/master and buyer/little boy who lives down the lane. Dr Sam Archer spent time after his previous appearance researching lamb and is concerned about the future of our nation. He asks why it is still legal and permissible to bring lamb and mint sauce from New Zealand to the UK and believes there should be a raid at every port. The slowness for the government to act comes from their hypocrisy - they campaign for anti-lamb acts but are seen the next day chomping down on a cutlet. Dr Sam Archer discusses how Trump has been seen stealing lamb from a barbecue despite passing a bill prohibiting the sale of ewe meat. It is theorised that Putin is holding these tapes.

Dr Sam Archer talks about how lamb is creeping back into popular culture via rappers, specifically "Gazillionaire" who is the head of one of the two major gangs that come from New Zealand, one from Wellington and one from Auckland. The gangs fight over turf as well as which cut is best. Wellington only use lamb shoulder, whereas Auckland is exclusively chops.

Episode 25 - Les Cheese’s Heart
Dr Sam Archer is the Cheese's family doctor so when Les Cheese had his heart attack he went straight to the hospital Les was taken to - St Winifred's Hospital for Aging Entertainers and Their Dreadful Families. When Dr Sam Archer arrived he was told that Les' heart was "fucked", and as Les' heart was a bull's heart the surgeons weren't willing to operate. It was also revealed that many of Les' organs has been replaced with animal organs - discovered when Dr Sam Archer was standing outside the surgery room hearing the surgeons shout out each new find. Host asks how Dr Sam Archer didn't know about this, and Dr Sam Archer states that each time Les came in for a check up Les would never strip down completely but wear a Victorian gentleman's bathing suit. Had Dr Sam Archer known about the surgeries he would had recommended Les contact an organisation, such as Stekra, who specialise in helping people who are obsessed with replacing their organs with that of an animal.

Dr Sam Archer tells of how having so many animal parts has created a debate between science (the amount of different animal organs is inevitable to cause trouble) and religion (many animals were able to live harmoniously on Noah's arc). Dr Sam Archer considers himself a religion man and goes to temple twice a week, but thinks Les went too far (however concedes that the large amount of duck in him might allow him to fare better in a flood than most)

Host and Dr Sam Archer discuss back-street vets and how they are people struck off because of their unethical surgeries, and Dr Sam Archer reveals that 2 in 30 people are likely to have animal part replacement - some are legitimate who are on a waiting list for a human organ, and some are purely cosmetic, which Dr Sam Archer doesn't understand and pleads with people to reconsider the surgery. On the topic of where the parts are obtained, Dr Sam Archer explains that a loophole is exploited where as long as the parts are removed quickly enough, the animal remains living for a short amount of time - similar to whipping a tablecloth from underneath a lot of glasses.

Returning to Les's future, Dr Sam Archer says that Les will either get a donkey's heart, or two or three thousand hummingbird hearts. Dr Sam Archer and Les discussed how Les could be made immortal by continually replacing his body parts - though Dr Sam Archer suggested it would be more like a perpetual living death.

Episode 32 - Redeeming Eli, Part 2
Once Eli Roberts was subdued, he was assessed by a team of psychologists and psychiatrists, headed up by Dr Sam Archer. His job is to judge if Eli could be considered insane if he scored 3 of lower on the Trenima Scale. A score of 1 shows a person has no idea that their actions have consequences (e.g. toddlers, Liam Neeson, cats), and a scale of 10 shows a person is acutely aware of every single one of their actions and how they affect other people (e.g. nervous birds). Eli scored 9.5. Later on in the trial, Eli begins listing pet names and Dr Sam Archer says how compelling and profound it was to watch, as if a valve had opened, and suggested Eli was regaining his conscience and humanity.

Episode 37 - Lamb Therapy
Dr Sam Archer speaks about people who come to his surgery to be treated for lamb, and whilst it used to be hooded teenagers, it's now reached the upper classes and people with Lamborghinis come into his office 'Lambed Up' and demand to be sorted out.

Anna sought out Dr Sam Archer after seeing him on the television sorting out people's genitals on an episode of "Embarrassing Balls". Dr Sam Archer has a few different treatments, one of which is total immersion therapy (the patient sleeps in fleeces and travels to New Zealand to shout abuse at sheep). On day 200 he used a new technique - using electric probes to shock Anna whenever she thought about lamb, causing her to think badly about it. Dr Sam Archer is writing a chapter in a section of a journal (a.k.a. a blog) about his treatments. Dr Sam Archer offers Megan his treatment and the recovered tapes of this session show that he made Megan put lamb in her mouth, repeat pro-lamb messages and shocked her after each one. Megan likely died during this treatment, with Dr Sam Archer exclaiming "It happened again".

Dr Sam Archer is married, and they met through "Nipples SOS" - his wife had 6 nipples (now 4 after the Christmas special).

Episode 47 - Too Much Milk?
Dr Sam Archer has been looking into scientific tests from the late 70s regarding milk consumption and baby growth, and found no upper limit was found due to the babies getting free. He theorizes that when people believe they've seen a yeti or a sasquatch, they may have seen a baby over fed on milk that has had to go live in the mountains because normal society wouldn't accept them. A colleague of Dr Sam Archer has come to the conclusion there may be around 30-32 "mega babies" in the wild. Dr Sam Archer comments it would make an excellent rugby match (and there is a Kickstarter to fund this)

Dr Sam Archer reassures the audience that drinking milk is fine, and that Host's milk consumption of around 12 pints a day is normal and healthy. Dr Sam Archer is not as specific with his consumption, but an estimate brings it to 8.5 pints a day.

Episode 56 - The End Of The World
Dr Sam Archer is not surprised the government opted for a beef only diet after the end of the world, as it is nutrient rich, but it also creates a problem - the colon swells up and eventually bursts (noting he has seen it happen in person twice). However a small number of people can exist on a beef only diet, and eventually a "super-race" would be created with a super strong colon.