recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Episode 20

## Description

"Wow! The Eye of Argon more than surpassed our expectations. Our ovals widened rotundly with every additional sentence Theis crafted. My god, the first four (4.5, really) chapters were only like six thousand words and we spent nearly two hours discussing them!

Obviously there’s a lot to cover here as Grignr makes his way through the Norgolian empire: wenches, sluts (not the same, evidently!), bovine antagonists, and some very creative punctuation? Once again, Mike’s Hollywood sources have unearthed a long lost audioplay treatment of the book which provides some helpful context for some of the more confusing passages. And the long awaited return of 'Real or Fanfic' contains what is probably one of the most unexpected slash pairings the internet has ever seen.

Thanks to all of our Patreon supporters, who get early access to every episode. You can join them at patreon.com/372pages

Please email all thoughts, fanfic, Dumb Sentences (we forgot this week but will make up for it next time), and book suggestions to 372pages@gmail.com"
Episode 133

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon and hear all about the batshit crazy cozy mystery we read last week: patreon.com/372pages

Get the current book here: https://amzn.to/3Ura5W6

After 16 chapters we finally get a mystery! Who killed the fancy-dressing Gingerbread House judge who flew into town from Arizona? Sure, it’s a cliché as old as 'The butler did it', but we’re about to find out how they do things in Christmas River!

And the answer is apparently booze, and lots of it. Everyone in this book, from the rugged ex-cop to the adorkable pie baker, is just plastered all the time. During the brief moments of sobriety, will Cinnamon pull it together in time to solve the mystery? She will not, frankly, despite being named the primary suspect, she doesn’t even really seem to care. She’s too busy pining over teenage crushes and cattily insulting her former co-worker. AND WE ARE HERE FOR IT!

Loads of Christmas cheer (dogs with indigestion, meth, and potentially despondent tourists stepping in front of buses.) Plus a very tricky Real or Fanfic and video of drunk Ed McMahon, who would fit in quite well in Christmas River.

Assignment: Finish the damn book!"
Episode 48

## Description

"Load your cooler up with knickknacks, good buddy, we’re in for a long haul! This is our first episode covering Charles E. Harris’ 'Trucking Through Time' and if the first two chapters are any indication it’s going to be quite the journey!

We’ll meet our heroes Chad and Dale, the comically mismatched duo who are more alike than many pairs of identical twins. They’re headed to the Bay Area, with nothing to keep them company but a vast library of truck stop books, plastic bags to pee in and toss out the window, and fond memories of Miss Marie. Along the way they’ll encounter authentic Western settings, harrowing tales on backs of menus, and two guys named Patch.

If you enjoy the podcast and want to support us, or DON’T enjoy it but for some reason want access to every episode early, plus other bonuses, check out our patreon. Thanks to the nearly 400 listeners who already support us!

We’ve got all our departments, emails, DSOTW, and some stepped up fan fiction. Plus a controversial segment involving a newly recast 372 Pages Players and a touching overheard conversation between a father and a son.

For next time, read thru Chapter 5!

(Oh, and here’s a link to the maps that listener David plotted out for us, as discussed at the end)"
Antigua

*Antigua: The Land of Fairies, Wizards and Heroes (Part 1)* is a fantasy novel written by Larry Ellis and Denise Brown Ellis, published in 2007.

It was the nineteenth book covered on the podcast, and the basis for episodes 113 through 119. The "canon" version used for the podcast is the Kindle format, though Mike weighed in with content from hardcover version as well.
Episode 25

## Description

"Look, we all love Sonny Hokori and Bennet Sands and Dr. Kittridge’s insanely hot daughter. We love to hear Jake discuss those people in quirky alleys with people we’ve never met and probably will never hear from again. But for the love of god, do we need FOUR CONSECUTIVE CHAPTERS of these meetings???

In this episode we’ve got some diabolical fan fic, confusion about what constitutes a cyborg, and we’ll finally hear from the man behind the ghostwriter himself. For next time, read thru episode 21!

Patreon supporters get these episodes before anyone else! Chip in a few bucks and help out your favorite podcast about books we’re all probably going to hate: patreon.com/372pages"
Episode 130

## Description

"Find out our next book before everyone else when you support the podcast on Patreon! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here.

To quote the perpetually stoned kid who sawed his finger off in my high school Shop Class and had it surgically re-attached, writing in my year book, 'What a long, strange trip it’s been!' Emphasis on the long. (Note to author: EDIT!!)

We wrap up our reading of the manifesto and as with all other readings find hidden delights among the endless monologues on tax rates and troop deployments.

Thanks to you all who read along, or didn’t but contributed Real or Fanfic, sent in Dumb Sentences or your emails, we appreciate it immensely!

On to the next book!

*To submit dumb sentences and fanfic, or just get in touch, email us at 372pages@gmail.com or send us a patreon message!*"
Episode 4

## Description

"We’ll discuss whether eating rotted Greenland shark meat is better than Ready Player One, take a thrilling look at server redundancy and connection lag, analyze various rigs, and examine what has to be one of the top three most romantic chat logs we’ve ever read.

PLUS, Mike has gunted deep into the dark web to track down audio of an EXCLUSIVE scene from the upcoming RP1 movie! All this plus *Fanfic or Real* and the *Dumb Sentence of the Week*!

This episode covers chapters 14 thru 18 of Ready Player One. For next time, read thru chapter 24, page 240 in our edition.

This is a book club, so get in touch!  We’re on twitter and facebook, our personal twitters are @clastowka and @michaeljnelson or send us an email."
Rankings

After completing each book, Conor and Mike usually attempt to situate it within the "372 pages canon", although they have expressed difficulty at rating the more professional best sellers against the less-polished self-published efforts.

*Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff* and *Shadow Moon* are generally agreed to have been the worst books, and both placed *Midnight Sun* just above those. The more guileless and genial works like *The Eye of Argon*, *Trucking Through Time* and *The Quilters Push Back* are generally looked upon with the most fondness.

### Conor's list of protagonists

After completing *Midnight Sun*, Conor was asked by a listener to rank the books' protagonists, and he listed them in this order, from most to least likeable:

* Grignr (*The Eye of Argon*)
* Chad + Dale (*Trucking Through Time*)
* Jake Cardigan (*TekWar*)
* David Braymer (*Moon People*)/Titus Uno (*The Forensic Certified Public Accountant*)
* Adam Salton (*The Lair of the White Worm*)
* Susan Fletcher (*Digital Fortress*)
* Maxim Trevelyan (*The Mister*)
* Thorn Drumheller (*Shadow Moon*)
* Edward Cullen (*Midnight Sun*)
* Wade Watts (*Ready Player One*)
* Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way (*My Immortal*)
* Zack Lightman (*Armada*)
* Bob Honey (*Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff*)
Episode 44

## Description

"This episode is nearly two hours long, despite the fact that if you cut out all the sex from these five chapters, all our characters did was buy shoes and play chess. Oh, and they saw a deer.

Our patreon supporters have been listening to this episode all weekend! Join the fun and get every episode early at patreon.com/372pages

Anyway, there’s a ton of fun details to dive into. We’ve got a word count guessing game, an alternative ending for a book, a deleted scene that finds Maxim green with envy, fanfic, emails, and dumb sentences! Plus we’ll kick things off with an announcement about the return of an old friend of the podcast. So cut a slice of banoffee, fire up some shitty mellow artist on your Sonos, and listen now!

For next time read up to page 388, thru chapter 24"
Episode 36

## Description

"The enigma that is Bob Honey continues to baffle and frustrate us. From offering guests a drink that no human has ever consumed (and they accept??), to possessing a secret preternatural scuba diving activity, to being unable to comprehend basic figures of speech. Oh, and he’s a literal superhero we find out too! So that’s just delightful.

Our dark web contacts come thru again with more reenactments, Mike tries a social experiment on his patient wife, and a challenging round of Real or Fanfic?

If you enjoy the podcast, please consider supporting us on Patreon. Kick in $5 to get every episode early, and just $1 helps out as well and gets you some bonus stuff!

For next time read up to page 121, or right after Pappy Pariah shares his poem."
Episode 118

## Description

"Support the 372 Patreon! Bonus Real or Fanfics, classical minis, other weirder stuff! patreon.com/372pages

'Displace one note and there would be diminishment, displace one phrase and the structure would fall.' Salieri on Mozart but it could easily have been spoken by Conor or me about the Ellis’ classic book, Antigua: The Land of Fairies Wizard and Heroes.

We won’t spoil anything but simply point out that we have a classic Real or Fanfic, some of the best Dumb Sentences EVER and an amazing letter from a listener.

For next time, like Bilbo… FINISH THE BOOK!"
Episode 123

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon, where you can watch Conor drink gross New Coke variants, hear Mike’s story teased in this ep, and so much more! patreon.com/372pages.

We’re past the halfway point in Gump & Co., and in this episode, so much Gump, so much Co., so much ass!! Seriously, could there be anymore ass in this book?

All the departments are here, Real or Fanfic, Dumb Sentences, and Stealing Mail, and also thrill as Mike misses one of Groom’s dumb jokes in real time!

READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the damn book."
Episode 34

## Description

"Well, here is the new book we all get to read together! We apologize for nothing!! And hey, a bunch of listeners requested this one, so if you want someone to blame we will name names!

But in all seriousness, this should be very fun, and will be a welcome change of pace from the last book, (though a binder of carpet samples would be a welcome change of pace from the last book.)

If you were a Patreon supporter, you could’ve been reading this four days ago! (Is that a good thing? Is this how enticing works?) Anyway, join in the fun at patreon.com/372pages

As we like to do from time to time, you’ll have a chance to calibrate your tastes along with both of us, just so you know where we are coming from.

For next time, let’s read thru 'Chapter' five, page 45."
Episode 108

## Description

"\*\*Please note that the giveaway mentioned in this ep has obviously already ended\*\*

Be the first to find out what our next book is! Support the podcast on Patreon and get early access to every ep and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages

Reading a 563 Tyra Banks book just wasn’t enough. Listeners insisted we read and report back on her *six pages of acknowledgments*!

Many exotic locations are thanked, as are bodies of water, buildings, food items, museum stores, the occasional co-writer or agent; and one of the actors who played Batman (who *isn’t* Jason O’Mara, Kevin McKidd, Julian Fletcher, Adam West, Ben Affleck, Will Arnett, Peter Weller, Ben McKenzie, Bruce Greenwood, Ron Perlman, Christian Bale, Val Kilmer, Kevin Conroy *or* Michael Keaton.)"

## Trivia

This is the shortest episode to date that is not an introductory or interstitial episode.
Episode 112

## Description

"Our Patreon listeners are our favorite listeners! Join them at patreon.com/372pages and be the first to learn what book we’re doing next

Wow, there’s no way around it, we unabashedly loved the places this book went! (If you don’t agree with us please contact our solicitors, Messrs. Hutchinson and Harper.  If you find no relief and require medical assistance please get in touch with the eminent physicians Doctors Killen, Crombie and Smiley and they will cable for medicine from London [please allow six weeks for delivery])."
Episode 73

## Description

"This episode begins with the introduction of possibly the greatest character in the history of the podcast (apologies to Bleriana, Jack Star, and the Robot Pimp) Greg Hale. He enters like a bull, in all his ogling, olive oil swigging, convicted murderer glory.

From there we’ll move on to international intrigue, tired stereotypes, Idiot Switch theories, mediocre escort salesmen, and deceptive cities. And speaking of Deceptive, there’s this week’s Real or Fanfic!

Join us on Patreon for Quarantine Minis, early access to every episode, contests and more! patreon.com/372pages

For next week, read thru Chapter 60. Hopefully we get to Midge and/or Jabba by that point."
Episode 156

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon where they found out what this book is a week ago! patreon.com/372pages

In real time, Mike and Conor select their next book – and we guarantee it will be cozy! Select your hugest, fuzziest slippers (preferably cartoon-based), your giant cup of cocoa, we’re talking soup bowl sized with a handle on the side, and get a fire going, anywhere. Even if you don’t have a fireplace.

It’s cozy time!

If you don’t want to listen, you can find the book in paperback and on kindle (affiliate links)

**ASSIGNMENT**: Read thru Chapter 7"
Episode 13

## Description

"Conor & Mike are here to examine all of the rich, complex new characters we meet: religious housewife, stoned dude, streetwise teen, and Asian stereotype.  They’ll also examine the classic Angry Chief trope as well as the curious priorities Armada’s characters seem to have when faced with imminent war and annihilation. Plus, an exclusive look at the controversial new process of “Clineifying” classic audiobooks!

All this plus a very tricky Real or Fanfic, the Dumb Sentence of the Week, and for the first time ever a *consensus* on the Boring Sentence of the Week!

Next week’s assignment: read up to chapter 19, page 250 in our editions.

Conor’s novel The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe is available here.

We have logo t-shirts and one depicting the inflatable cow that is the original hell of a rig! They are available here. Shirt designs by Lucas Antoniak, whose work is here.

Check out our 2018 RiffTrax Kickstarter. Stretch goals announced soon!"
Episode 52

## Description

"We’ve got a jam-packed penultimate Trucking Through Time episode! Curvy wives! Horny grandpas! Easily accessible caches of cowboy hats! A surprising amount of discussion about James A. Garfield assassin Charles Guiteau. And a reminder to wash any pre-owned buckskins you buy at the thrift store!

With only fifty pages left in Trucking Through Time, we have several questions: “How are they getting back to 2000 Atlanta?”, sure. But also, “How many more meetings will take place in the general’s office?” and “How many times will ChaDale remind us who the REAL savages are?”

Consider chipping in a couple bucks to our Patreon and get every episode early! patreon.com/372pages

We’re also got a surprisingly tricky Real or FanFic and of course Dumb Sentences and emails. Plus we turn to the dark web to examine a heretofore unreported on Wild West career opportunity, and a secret fan theory for what was really going on at the fort.

For next time, finish the damn book!"
Episode 67a

## Description

"Here it is, the 11th bad book we’re going to read together. It’s going to be way more enjoyable than Shadow Moon. This short announcement was part of a longer Patreon exclusive mailbag, our supporters have been reading the book for a week already. Lucky them! You can join the fun here: patreon.com/372pages

Book 11 is available in paperback and on kindle. For the first assignment, read thru Chapter 7."

## Trivia

This is the shortest episode to date at 08:50.
Episode 124

## Description

"Come see us do our first LIVE PODCAST in three years, Friday 7/22 at Bryant Lake Bowl in Minneapolis! Details on our facebook and twitter pages.

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on patreon. Find out when live show tix are on sale, get every episode early, enter contests, and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages

Sorry Mr. King, but Gump & Co comes to an end in this episode. Console yourself by interviewing Freedom Williams of C&C Music Factory. But not until you’ve listened to this episode, because there’s a ton going on!

Well, there’s mostly: A) oysters B) asses & shit C) escalating degrees of assin’ around. But there’s also a healthy does of real time word count padding in between beloved characters dying and or hitting their kids while speculating what type of underwear said kids are wearing.

Here’s the updated document with Real or Fanfic Statistics, courtesy of Lucas. And here’s the trailer for the Indian Gump remake.

Thanks for taking the GUMPANY journey with us, we’ll be back soon with another book to read together. And stay tuned RIGHT HERE for an exciting announcement about our first LIVE SHOW in three years…"
Episode 24

## Description

"To the inattentive and brainless layman\* it might appear that not much happened during this stretch of TekWar. Mostly Jake aka Jonathan and Juanito aka The Android(???) just sat and talked to people about other people we haven’t met yet. Somehow, we discussed this for nearly two hours.

Folks stepped up their fanfic this time around, probably due to the new conditioner they’re using that leaves their hair bouncing around at all times for some reason. We also sort out how Jake could be puzzled (twice!) by the term kamikaze, guess characters exact ages and weights, and give credit where credit is due to a scene that actually made us laugh.

We’ll take a little extra time off for Thanksgiving, but we hope to have something extra up for Patreon supporters! To those of you celebrating, have a great turkey day! If you feel like joining our Giving Tuesday campaign for 826 National, it’s available here. Thanks to everyone who has chipped in so far!

For next time, read thru Chapter 15.

*\*I grinned as I found myself recognizing the turn of phrase from the classic 80s-90s comic strip Calvin and Hobbes*"
The Eye of Argon

**The Eye of Argon** is a 1970 novella by Jim Theis, written at the age of 16. It was originally published in the Ozark SF Society's journal OSFAN. Copies of it spread from there, gathering a great deal of notoriety. You can now find republished editions featuring additional information on the history of the novella and its spread, or the text is freely available online.

The Eye of Argon was the third book covered by the podcast, and the basis for episodes 19 through 21.

## External Links

* Amazon: Kindle, Paperback
* About "The Eye of Argon", a page containing the full text, illustrations, and further information.

## 372 Pages Glossary

* **Slut.** Adjective used with weird inspecificity by Jim Theis. ("Take hold of this rope," said the first soldier, "and climb out from your pit, slut. Your presence is requested in another far deeper hell hole.")
Episode 101

## Description

"Join the 372 Patreon to get every episode early and other fun exclusive stuff! http://patreon.com/372pages

Mike and Conor quickly discover that Tyra Banks’ only novel is Cr8Zee! (Cr8Zee is pronounced 'crazeee' because the 't' sound at the end of '8' is silent and the two 'ee's at the end are pronounced like three 'eee's.)

They soon discover parallels to authors Pappy Pariah, Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, Dan Brown, Ernest Cline and others.

All the departments are here: Conor borderline cheats at *Real or Fanfic, Dumb Sentences* are unearthed, and our loyal listeners send in some truly astonishing facts when we *Steal People’s Mail.*

For next time, read thru **Chapter 14**!"
Episode 94

### Title

"Ready Player 2 - Apparently, We Were Surprised to Find Ourselves Still Reading This

## Description

"Join the fun on Patreon for bonus Real or Fanfic, improv with special guests, and surprisingly, earnest analysis of classical music! patreon.com/372pages

If you had taken a second mortgage on your home and placed the entire sum on a Vegas bet that 'nothing in this book could possibly be worse than the chapters spent on the John Hughes planet' I am sorry and I hope you can find another home. Because the chapters on the Prince and Silmarillion planets are not only worse, they are the worst things ever created by humankind, and that includes all of our wars and the invention of hot pincer-based torture.

Conor takes on the Real or Fanfic challenge, we read some mail, and discover some very very dumb sentences.

For next time: FINISH THE DAMN BOOK!"
Episode 89

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon and get access to every episode early, plus a ton of exclusive bonus stuff! patreon.com/372pages

Ready Player Two? Let me ask that again; Ready Player Two?! I don’t think you are!! But Conor and Mike are ready. Having only an evening to read the first few chapters, here are some questions addressed: Did you have “faint numbness” with your previous rig? Solved! Could you feel “tiny craters of pulp” beneath your fingers when you crushed an apple with previous rigs? Solved! Were all your previous efforts in the Oasis 'senseless pantomimes'? Yes, of course they were, you Sharter!

NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter four."
Episode 127

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early and other exclusive fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages.

Get the book here.

Well, after a rough start we’re back on track. *Super Constitution* was a little strange out of the gate but now it’s nothing more than a classic sci-fi nov– haha, I can’t finish that sentence. It is of course a baffling, shocking, hilarious stew of words that somehow manages to get weirder as it goes along!

You simply must read along.

AND you simply must hear Mike’s *Real or Fanfic* results…

Reading Assignment: Read through Article 12"
Episode 61

## Description

"Ah, Shadow Moon… That’s a name we haven’t heard in a long time… Well, a week at least!

Join us as we continue our deep dive into the Lucas/Claremont saga “Shadow Moon”.  This section begins with a bunch of Death Dogs getting impaled, decapitated, and having various organs thrown into raging infernos. We’ll debate whether Thorn/Willow (Thillow?)’s ability to do any magic that is required of the situation cheapens the drama (it does.) And we’ll do our best to imitate what a Daikini accent might sound like. Spoiler: It sounds like a Chicago accent performed with two wildly varying levels of skill.

Our Patreon supporters are our very favorite listeners, they’ve had access to this episode since way before Thanksgiving! Join them at patreon.com/372pages

All this plus a tricky bunch of fanfic, some emails that explore some theories about whether this was actually ever supposed to be a Willow book, a listen to Maulroom absolutely crushing it at the bar on Lady’s Night, and one very special Llamacorn.

For next time, read up to page 150!"
Episode 6

## Description

"Join us in our detailed recreation of the living room from Family Ties for Episode 6! The gunt is in it’s homestretch, so what better time to pause your novel for a detailed description of the plot of Blade Runner. We’ll also play Black Tiger, but not the version you’re familiar with! (Get this: it’s slightly different.)

We’ll also test Mike’s ability to spot fake Rush lyrics, and listen to another EXCLUSIVE excerpt of a leaked scene from the Ready Player One movie!

This episode covers chapters 25 thru 29 of Ready Player One. For next week, read thru Chapter 33, page 326 in our edition.

This is a book club, so get in touch!  We’re on twitter and facebook, our personal twitters are @clastowka and @michaeljnelson or send us an email."
Episode 83

## Description

"Yes, we talk about things other than Lanny. *But we don’t want to!*

You’ll all be thrilled to learn that Mike drained the budget to reunite the *372 Players,* that Mike scores, um, pretty, pretty well on the *Real or Fanfic* challenge. There’s tons of *Dumb Sentences* and Conor dives to the dark web.

But let’s not bury the lead here (no, not *lede*, let’s not go there) there’s a mid-episode mishap that is nothing short of spectacular [we included it at the end of an exhaustive ep. Hint, Mike is still cleaning it up and it will be many more weeks].

Join us on Patreon, where our supporters have been basking in Lanny’s glow all week long sing they get early access to every episode! patreon.com/372pages

For next time read thru Chapter 13!"
Episode 15

## Description

"As humanity’s potential end draws near, our heroes still have not been allowed to say goodbye to their loved ones back on Earth. So they all do what any normal person would do in that situation: bang the hell of out someone they just met a few hours ago.

Mike and Conor’s faces contort as they try to make sense of this lovefest. They’ll also hurt a mixture of insults and encouragement at each other as they try to determine the pop culture source of every Shakespeare quote Whoadie spouts, and feel goofy grins spread across their faces as they stump each other with a VERY difficult final installment of Real or Fanfic.

Your assignment for next week: finish the damn book! And then buy a ticket to see us live in Minneapolis, April 11th at Sisyphus Brewing. Tickets available here.

Logo and Inflateable Cow Rig T-shirts are currently on sale for just 14 bucks! All t-shirts and our live show poster done by Lucas Antoniak.

Conor’s novel The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe continues to delight readers despite its lack of Star Wars references and inaccurate Godzilla metaphors.

This week’s fanfic written by: Paul DeCoursey-Clark, Daniel Conrad, Alex in Chicago, Jordan Roher, Janelle Scinta, Nick Donald, & Alex Fauth."
Episode 47

## Description

"As we wrap up our deep dive into EL James’ 'The Mister', we have a lot of questions. Well, one question really: What the hell?

But also: Why was absolutely nothing resolved? Why do Maxim and Alessia treat her father like his opinion should matter at all? How much were they paying that translator? Is that another half-finished hotel? Do automobiles actually qualify as a “fun theme”? Why is our hero thinking about his mother during sex? Tickety-boo????

We’ll address some of these questions, but we’ve also got a ton of listener emails, Dumb Sentences, an Amazon review quiz, a Goodreads review quiz, a look at the role of Albanian translators in perilous situations throughout history, as well as a listen as to what Alessia’s father’s wedding toast might have sounded like.

Our Patreon supporters have a chance to win our copies of The Mister, in addition to getting every episode early and other things nobody else gets to see. Enter to win and join them here!

We ALSO have a very fun anacrostic puzzle that listener Amanda made for us. Download it and give it a shot here!

Thank you for reading along with us on The Mister, especially everyone who wrote in, created fanfic and memes, and shared their comments here! This one was a lot of fun. We’ll take next week off for the fourth but will have a book giveaway and a Trucking Through Time assignment soon!"
Llamacorn

**Llamacorns** are drawings of llama-unicorn hybrids discussed on the podcast and featured in its social media posts. The original Llamacorn was discovered by listener ? ~name~ ? drawn in the margin of their used copy of Shadow Moon, as discussed in Episode 61. The Llamacorn has since become the podcast mascot.

## Gallery

Original Llamacorn found by listenerOfficial 372 Pages Llamacorn MascotShadow Moon LlamacornMy Immortal Llamacorn
Episode 134

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon where you’ll get every episode a week early and hear our recaps of the two other cozy Christmas mysteries we read this December!

Our final reading Murder in Christmas River answers the deep, impenetrable puzzle at the heart of the book: How many people will show up to a cheesy tourist village the night after a massive three-foot snowstorm to view the judging of a gingerbread house competition? Turns out, *a lot.* Like, shoulder to shoulder to the point that the oddly bearded sheriff has almost no room to commit his wrongful arrests.

Will our hero Cinnamon Peters be convicted of a murder or will she simply bake more of those things we all talk about on a daily basis, those things that have no other name, *cookie panels*?

Conor and Mike wrap it up with all the departments sans *Real or Fanfic* of course, but as always, thank you to everyone and special thanks to Patreon supporters! Happy Holidays and many meat pies to all!

As discussed in the email section here is:

1. A horse doing its Sheriff Trumbow impression

2. Muldoon’s youtube channel"
Episode 120

## Description

"Our beloved Patreon supporters have already been reading this book for a week! Join the fun at http://patreon.com/372pages

It’s time to announce our twentieth book, and there’s one question on everyone’s mind: will anyone be forced into a tree? Also, Mike & Conor do another round of Calibrate Your Tastes.

It’s time to start another crazy journey. We’re excited about this one! (Conor would like to state for the record that he realized about half an hour after recording this that his favorite poem is Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie. In fact, he probably listened to it at Dartmouth while watching the WinAmp visualizer on The Slap Trip)

Assignment: The first 3 chapters"
Episode 87

## Description

"Phil hears from an assistant coach of the Sidewinders that there *may* be a backup shortstop position opening up! *So Renee and he may drive back to Phoenix*!!!!!!!!

Also, the tireless and cunning *James the Tracker* is making plans to watch his collection of VHS tapes in a room with a gold chair rail once he lands his Piper Cub at Chandler Municipal Airport.

Thanks to EVERYONE who supports the podcast on Patreon! If you want first access to our upcoming coverage of READY PLAYER TWO, just $5 a month gets you every episode early, plus access to our entire archive of weird bonus stuff! patreon.com/372pages

So a lot going on, people. In addition to all of that Conor rediscovers the James Earl Jones speech from *Field of Dreams* and makes his own audiobook really drilling down on Edward’s awareness of his own black soul.

Plus mail and dumb sentences. For next time, finish the damn book!"
Episode 85

## Description

"Twilight but as told from the vampire’s point of view, continues to be a collection of words strung together in mostly coherent fashion, with occasional digressions to count thousands of insects. There you go, Little Brown, you can use that as a quote on the cover of the paperback.

We hit the halfway mark during this episode and Mike and Conor found much to discuss. The role of Gordon Bombay in the Twilight-verse, the logic of taking the world’s biggest klutz hiking, and Mike Newton’s quest for the good leads are all addressed. Plus a visit to the dark web and Mike (Nelson, not Newton)’s attempt to convince Conor that Real or Fanfic is actually much harder than it looks.

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! We would not do it without them! Get every episode before anybody else, and more fun stuff at patreon.com/372pages

For next time read thru Chapter 20! We’ll post the Midnight Sun meme contest soon, so get ready!

UPDATE: As requested in this ep, cartoonist Bob Fingerman drew his rendition of the 'aggressively, forcefully female' vampire Siobahn"
Episode 113

## Description

"Conor challenges Mike with a quiz (he does poorly) and then the new book is announced!

EDIT:  Well this should be interesting. The kindle (CANON) version does not have chapter breaks. We will read until Location 737, ending at the sentence “The rulers of the easternmost province were King Arlexjandrio and Queen Gwyndeth.”

This is through Chapter 3 in the NON-CANON paperback version. Mike will weigh in on the hardcover when he gets it.

Here is Zach’s cozy parody book as mentioned in the podcast!"
Episode 117

## Description

"Support the Podcast on Patreon to get fun stuff like a Meet The Authors with Bill Corbett, Conor’s breakdown of an iconic hip-hop sample, and every episode early! patreon.com/372pages

Just a few of the animals mentioned in this episode’s reading: dogs, cats, cows, roosters, chickens, pigs, goats, horses, cattle, foxes, *squirrel monkeys who make all kinds of noises, a TALKING GORILLA, HIS HYSTERICAL WIFE AND THEIR BABY*.

Guess, just guess which of these is *by far* the most interesting animal.

There is of course Real or Fanfic, a dive to the Dark Web, Dumb Sentences and some really great emails and *maps* from listeners, not to mention some very, ahem, interesting background concerning our authors…

READING ASSIGNMENT: Because we are reading an eBook without chapters, please read through this sentence: “The Sorceress Gwendeviere’s army of goblins, trolls and black panthers continued to advance toward the army of King Aurthorr, King Thomasson and King Arlexjandrio.” [Note: the PDF, i.e., eBook is CANON but for reference it would mean starting at Chap 12 and reading through Chap 14 in a hard copy]

Here’s a gallery of the visual aides mentioned in this ep!"
Episode 69

## Description

"In the middle third of Moon People our hero David Braymer… does NOT go to the moon, or meet people from the moon. But fittingly for this number episode, he does get busy as hell!

Following what must have been the most erotic Red Lobster dinner in all of recorded history, Cheral is consumed with lust by her Rocket Man, who remains extremely casual about both his sex and going into space for a decade.

Which turns out to be kind of a crappy decision! Because for every promised medium-to-elaborate apartment that turns out to actually be elaborate (Score!), you get weird quirks like gravity not working, or a ponderous permitting process required if you want to bring chickens on board (I thought this was Amercia!)

Join us on Patreon! Since last time we’ve posted a meme contest and a bonus dark web sketch, plus you get every episode early. Patreon.com/372pages

We’ll also examine David’s habit of asking the Dumbest First Question Possible, which turns out not to be unique to just him on his family tree. All this plus Real or FanFic, Listener Mail, and DSOTW!

For next time, finish the damn book."
Episode 43

## Description

"WARNING: This section of The Mister may contain the dumbest sentence we’ve ever covered on this show.

Join us in pastoral Cornwall, where Maxim and the entrancing Alessia, who’s beauty, we’re often reminded, is very beautiful, are hiding out from Albania sex traffickers. What do they do to pass the time? What any two attractive (Alessia is very attractive) young people would do: eat fish pies and get busy as hell.

If you want to get our episodes before everyone else, join us on Patreon! We really appreciate everyone who supports us on there: patreon.com/372pages

Along the way we’ll learn that our hero can visually assess whether women in a truck stop restroom look like they’ve been sex-trafficked from Eastern Europe, meet the world’s fastest interrupter, and meet Megan, a sullen hag who Maxim of course has already banged. We’ll also debut a new Review-based department!

For next time, read up to page 319, thru chapter 19."
Episode 140

## Description

**Episode 140** was only released exclusively to Patreon as the introductory episode to what would have been the 24th book. However, upon additional information coming to the hosts' attention about the author, Mike and Conor decided to scrap this book.

This decision was released to Patreon members in a short recording called "On second thought..." on April 2, 2023, with the promise of the announcement of a new book selection for the next episode. With the release of Episode 141, *Artemis* was announced to the community as the official 24th book.

Details about the specific abandoned book are not mentioned here as it was a Patreon exclusive announcement. This article is here for continuity and as a matter of record to indicate Episode 140 seems to have been skipped on the official 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back website.
Digital Fortress

**Digital Fortress** is a 1998 novel by Dan Brown. It was the twelfth book covered on the podcast, and the basis for episodes 71 through 77.

## 372 Pages Glossary

* **Sun, hatred of.** Dan Brown singles out the searing hot Seville sun with particular vitriol.

## External Links

* Amazon: Kindle, Paperback
* Overdrive (there are multiple entries, so your library may have a different version.)
Episode 2

## Description

"Update your Gunter Wiki, crapburgers, it’s time for a new episode! This week we calibrate our tastes with Mike’s, delve into the delightful parenthetical autistism of James Halliday, take a closer look at the infamous 'List' that initially caught our attention, discuss the danger of taking the advice to 'write what you know', and crown our Dumbest Sentence of the Week!

This episode covers chapters 4 thru 8 of Ready Player One. For next time, read thru chapter 13, page 133 in our edition.

Send us your Dumb Sentence of the Week!  We’re on twitter and facebook, our personal twitters are @clastowka and @michaeljnelson or send us an email."

## Departments

### Who Do You Love?

Conor asks Mike his opinions on various topics for the listeners to calibrate their tastes against Mike.

* Pineapple on pizza: Mike - negative; Conor - positive
* *Stranger Things:* thumbs down
* Van Morrison: huge fan
* The entire musical genre of the Blues: only in the context of live performances at the time blues was popular
* Weird tinned fish: has a closet full of it comparable only to Alton Brown
* Christopher Nolan's filmography: not a fan, not a hater
* Neil Breen's filmography: likes them in the same way he likes Tommy Wiseau
* Reinheitsgebot (German beer purity law): in favor of the law, not in favor of the beer
* Birds in the genus *Corvus* (crows): Mike talks a little about his multi-year war with crows

### Dumb Sentence of the Week

Mike opens up for the listeners to send in their nominations for DSOTW.

Conor: "When I was in the zone on a high-speed classic like Defender, I felt like a hawk in flight, or the way I thought a shark must feel as it cruises the ocean floor." p. 64

Runner-up: "'Thank you, noble Acererak,' I replied, resisting the urge to jump up and down and shake my ass victoriously in his general direction" p. 83

Mike: "*In a tomb filled with horrors.* This line was trickier. Taken at face value, it seemed to say that the key was hidden in a tomb somewhere, one filled with horrifying stuff." p. 66

Runner-up: "I looked down at the Copper Key in my hand and felt overcome with wonder and elation." p. 84

Bonus: "'Of course,' I said. 'That was my first guess. Just wanted to double-check.'" p. 80

### Star Wars References

1. TIE fighters are among the vehicles parked in the school parking lot. p. 48
2. The *Star Wars* galaxy is a sector in OASIS. p. 49
3. Halliday had the world's largest private collection of *SW* action figures. p. 56
4. The origin and prequel trilogies are listed in Halliday's Almanac as two sets of "The Holy Trilogies". p. 62
5. John Williams' medal ceremony score from the movie plays as Wade receives the Copper Key. p. 84

## References

Norm Macdonald

Alton Brown

Van Morrison

Billy Joel
Episode 136

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon and get every episode a week early and other fun stuff!

Our first reading of Garrett P. Serviss’ *Edison’s Conquest of Mars* is a real cracker jack, a tip-top lally-cooler!

Truly, an enjoyable book if for nothing more than the action movie quipping of Professor Sylvanus P. Thompson.

All the departments are here, as well as a description of Mike’s brother-in-law’s *actual Edison cylinder mechanism!* (Possible Patreon extra demonstration of it to come.)

Buy the book here or read for free online.

Reading assignment: Read up until '**The Prisoner Teaches**' in chapter 9"
Episode 109

## Description

"Our patreon supporters have known about this book for a week already and are already sending in their dumb sentences! Join the fun at patreon.com/372pages

Join us for our 18th book: Irene Iddlesleigh by Amanda Mckittrick Ros. That is, if the Red Cross doesn’t abduct Conor before then.

For our first episode we’ll be reading through Chapter 9. The book can be downloaded for free here or bought on amazon here."
Episode 16

## Description

"When we last left Zack Lightman, he was submerged beneath the Antarctic Ocean, trying to retrieve his father and save the world. But then it was getting close to happy hour, so Ernest Cline decided to just wrap things up and hit publish on one of the most unsatisfying, unbelievably rushed endings we’ve ever seen. We’re talking about an ending where cancer is cured IN ONE SENTENCE, and then the fact that MOST OTHER DISEASES were also cured is tacked on as a parenthetical to that sentence.

Conor & Mike are here to talk you through it though, with ruminations on MLB.tv’s playoff feeds, contorted faces, and a leaked scene featuring their new favorite character, The Emissary. Thanks for reading along with us, it’s been a lot of fun!

Since this is the FINAL Armada episode, we’re auctioning off our copies of the books. PLUS, Lucas Antoniak did an original, one of a kind painting of Chuckette, the original inflatable rig cow, that we’re including in the auction. All proceeds will go to 826 National.

Tickets are still available for our live show, April 11th in Minneapolis, but they’re going fast!

Need something to fill the Cline shaped void in your reading schedule? Get Conor’s book, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe!"
Episode 11

## Description

"In this episode we meet Zack’s insanely hot TV addicted gamer mom. Turns out the Hot but Relateable Mom trope isn’t just a Clineian invention, and Conor reveals where he’s seen it turn up recently.

Also, Mike was able to pull some strings and secure a scene from the movie version of Armada, a movie so secret, it hasn’t even been announced yet! Some of those actors sound familiar…

There’s more Star Wars than you can shake a rig at, but also inexplicably *Vanilla Sky* and *The Edge of Tomorrow* references, not to mention Dumb Sentences, Boring Sentences, and some incredibly creative fanfic submitted by listeners!

Your next assignment: Read up to chapter 12, page 148 in our edition. We’ll take next week off as Mike travels to London for two RiffTrax Live shows."
Super Constitution

*Super Constitution* is a 2009 science fiction book by author Charles Kim.

It was the twenty-first book covered on the podcast, and the basis for episodes 125 through 130.

Shortly after the Patreon release of Episode 125, listeners quickly scrambled to find copies available online. A shortage of copies on Amazon and other used book sites, as well as exorbitantly high copies at other sites made this the most difficult book to obtain a copy of for listeners. Some even had their orders cancelled causing some to speculate that the used booksellers caught wind of the sudden popularity of the book and sought to relist the books at higher prices.

## 372 Pages Glossary

* **"Grandpa, No!"** might see a resurgence with this book.
Episode 96

## Description

"The task: announce book number sixteen. Forty-seven minutes later the job is done! Why? Because Conor and Mike are incredibly enthusiastic about the new title. I mean, one of our favorite 'Real or FanFics' before we even crack the book open?!

This is going to be great!

Here’s a link to the book. For the first ep, we’re reading through Chapter 10"
Episode 146

## Description

"Be the first to find out what’s next by supporting the podcast on Patreon. You’ll also hear a new subpodcast where Mike tries to solve Encyclopedia Brown mysteries.

We finished Artemis! And we ranked Artemis as compares to all the other books covered in this podcast: you won’t believe what happens next!!

And we’re just going to get ahead of it: Chekov’s re-usable condom does not pay off.

There’s some mail from listeners as well, and one of them brings us up to date on Mike’s Real or Fanfic stats. I don’t think anyone is going to be impressed."
My Immortal

*My Immortal* is a Harry Potter-based fan fiction by "XXXbloodyrists666XXX" (whose actual identity is disputed) serially published on FanFiction.net between 2006 and 2007.

It was the thirteenth book covered on the podcast, and the basis for episodes 77a through 80.

## External Links

* Amazon: Paperback
* Free ebook (available in html and Microsoft Word formats.)

*My Immortal* also has its own wiki, which also includes the full text.
Episode 77

## Description

"The Irishman is envious of the length of this podcast. *But there was so much to talk about!*

While Susan sits dazed, stupefied, sooty, unsure of where she is, what she’s doing, how math works, and whether or not she’ll ever get to Stone Manor, the revolting men around her solve the problems posed by E. Tankado.

Join us on Patreon to get every episode early plus a lot of extra nonsense! Find out our next book before everyone else. Patreon.com/372pages

A lot of Dumb Sentences, a LOT of technicians yelling, and Conor dives to the Dark Web to find a recreation that will hit you like a bullet to Jabba’s gut."

## Departments

### Real or Fanfic

It's the end of the book, so no Real or Fanfic for this episode.

### Emails

The podcast ran long, so listener emails were moved to a Patreon mailbag episode.

## References

Mike and Conor tease the plot to *Washington, E.T.* the collaborative book written by over 180 Jackals (Patreon supporters) with "An alien is the President of the United States."

This episode's outro music is "Halite" (reference to Greg Hale) listener Taylor Conner's song parody of Billy Joel's "My Life".

## Trivia

This is the longest episode to date at 02:36:51, or 156.85 minutes.
Episode 42

## Description

"In part two of our deep dive into The Mister, author EL James gives her audience exactly what they came for: Sex! Nobody actually having it, of course, but people are being trafficked for it in a cheap attempt to lend gravitas to a tawdry romance novel! We were so disgusted our groins barely stirred at all.

This week we’ll get to meet Maxim’s bros and pay a visit to his family estates. We’ll crack a smile anytime we don’t see condoms, and finally get a good look at Alessia underneath that revolting housecoat. (Spoiler alert: she’s very attractive, and also a genius.)

If you like the podcast, please consider supporting us on patreon! You’ll get every episode early and if you move quick you can get in on our The Mister meme contest! patreon.com/372pages

Real or Fanfic returns, along with a dark web look at some of the other times that Maxim held his tongue (turns out he’s done it a lot throughout history, not just when he’s offered revolting instant coffee) For next time, read thru Chapter 14, to page 235!

Link to Facts King’s Albania page."
Episode 141

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon, where they’ve known about this new book for a week already!

Alright, NOW it’s time for Book 24! This one did very well in our Patreon poll a few years ago, so we’re excited to finally tackle it. But first, Mike listens patiently while Conor rants about Goombas or something.

Get the book here.

**Assignment**: Read thru Chapter 3"
Episode 35

## Description

"Sean Penn certainly has written a collective of words arranged into sentences! There’s a lot to discuss in our first episode diving into *Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff*. There’s the mysterious backstory Penn created for the book, the maddening alliteration, and the book’s strange ability to make you dislike stuff you previously thought you enjoyed.

We’ll also play a round of 'Create your own Sean Penn character', to show you how easy it is to make a character this eccentric. Plus, the roots of Penn’s satire inspire a brand new movie trailer.

If you support our Patreon you’ve already heard this episode! Get every ep a few days early, plus extra stuff we only post there.

For next time read up Part 2!"