Hell No, Alfred!

Hell No, Alfred! is the ninth chapter in the Wombles Seven.

At that moment Alfred’s phone rang.  Alfred looked at Bruce.  “Not me” he shrugged in denial.  Bruce wasn’t into silly jokes.  Alfred answered and a man with a Liverpool accent spoke.  “’ere you’re looking for talent to take on a certain demon” the voice said.  “Well yes we are but” Alfred started to answer but he was cut short.  “So mate I’m your man and I’ll bring young Harry with me.  He’s the chosen one you know!” continued the Liverpool accent.

Alfred replied as politely as he could.  “Well sir, kind of you as it were to offer your services we already have the team we need.”  “To take on Trigon?  You don’t know what your dealing with do y’now pal!  Go on who are this dream team?”  The Liverpool accent was beginning to annoy Alfred now.  “Indeed sir we have Superman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, the Green Lantern, Robin and Batgirl.  Is that enough do you think?”  Alfred’s reply was as near to sarcasm as he ever went.

The reply never came so Alfred cut the line.  He turned back to Bruce and was surprised to see two people appear from nowhere.  One was a scruffy blonde man in a trench coat, white shirt and black trousers with a red tie worn loose.  The other was smartly dressed in a midnight blue suit with a neat tie and a bowler hat. The smart man carried a wand.

The scruffy man handed Bruce his card.  Bruce read it.  “We don’t need a children’s entertainer” he said as he handed it back.  The man apologised and gave it back again.  Bruce read it again.  “Master of the dark arts?” he said puzzled.  “That’s right mate” the man said in a Liverpool accent.  “Harry Potter” said the smart man in the hat.

“It’s you!” said Alfred striking out at the man in the trench coat.  His fist never connected though.  Strange words were mumbled and a fiery ring appeared. Alfred was pulled into it then the ring disappeared.  “Alfred!” shouted Bruce looking where his butler had disappeared.  “You won’t find ‘im he’s in hell.” Constantine suggested helpfully.  “You sent him to hell!” shouted Bruce.  “Yes mate. So do I get the gig?” replied Constantine.  “If you bring Alfred back” replied Bruce.

“Alright don’t raise your blood pressure!  Here goes.”  Constantine got out some chalk and drew a weird circle with symbols on the floor. Bruce sat where he was told in the circle.  More strange words were mumbled and the Batcave disappeared.

Bruce looked around him.  Everything was scruffy and broken except for a door with “Alfred Pennyworth” written on it. Bruce pushed it open to find Alfred being tortured by a demon.  The demon was branding Alfred with hot iron.  Each time the iron put a strange symbol on his forehead.  When the demon was finished it said “You will know what to do when the time is right!”  “OK and who are you?” asked Bruce.  “My name is Etrigan.  Should you ever need me just tell me and I’ll come.”  “OK Etrigan well er thank you for Alfred’s symbols” Bruce said in an uncertain way.

Etrigan touched Bruce and Alfred.  A shot of hot pain seared through them both and they were back in the Batcave.

Bond was sneaking through the sewers.  There was a door ahead of him.  It was locked.  He looked around and found a key.  The key was in a bucket of paint.  He reached in to get it.  The paint covered his fingers.  Now they were gold.  With the door unlocked he continued.  A nurse was sitting in a chair.  “Do you want a doctor?” she asked.  “No” he responded and carried on tripping over something and falling on a bucket. There was paint in this one too that splashed on his face.  Now he had golden eyes.  Something was stuck on his forehead.  It turned out to be a Lotto ticket for the Thunderball draw.  Bond pocketed the ticket to check later.  He checked his gun.  That had somehow been covered in gold paint.  Now he was the man with the golden gun.  Ahead of him was the door he was looking for.  Behind him was someone he wasn’t.  Everything went black.

The wombles were making battle plans and picking weapons.  Bungo suddenly looked worried and hit the alarm. On the screen there was large object heading towards the High-Speed Mission Yacht!  It was going fast. Bungo tried to steer away from it but had no chance. Everything went black.

Bond awoke with a headache to find he was tied to a gurney with leather straps around his arms and legs.  He turned to look around and Bungo was tied up on another gurney next to him. “Bond!” shouted Bungo.  “Quiet you idiot!” retorted Bond even louder. Luckily nobody came but they were still unable to get up.  They were alone in a grey corridor with grey metal doors along it.  Feint sounds were echoing around.  They sounded like wombles.  Bungo listened hard and was shocked to hear Alderney’s voice.  It was a muffled scream.  He started struggling on the gurney and it began to roll.  It rolled slowly at first but then reached a slope.

Bond followed after seeing Bungo rolling away.  Bungo was now rolling extremely fast on a very steep slope. Bond was urgently trying to catch up. That was until he saw Bungo fall into a big black hole but it was too late.