Rayman Chicken Copy

Man, I really do love me some McDonalds chicken sandwiches. Matter of fact, I like them so much that I kind of sort of have a problem when it comes to them. I have become so obsessed with them that my wife has left me for a surfing instructor in Hawaii named Jack Kahuna Laguna who doesn't really know much if anything about surfing and just advises his students to keep breathing. My friend at work; Oliver Toliver The III whose grandfather used to hunt for chickens in the mountains of rural Spain circa 2004, was very worried about me and one day he caught me eating a chicken sandwich during break at work and he said in an incredibly serious tone of voice, "if you keep eating those you're gonna turn into a chicken." I ignored him because frankly the way he chews! Knowing that I was not going to listen to him, Oliver decided that what I really needed was something that would put me off the sandwiches forever. Oliver had a side business of video game making and he owned a warehouse on Mohawk Avenue where he produced video games using a printer; I don't think that's how video games are made mate but trust me Oliver's got a real hand when it comes to video games. He only has one hand these days; the other one was bitten off by a shark which didn't really bother Oliver as he sat on the pier feeding bread to the seagulls, and he knew an awful lot about the seagulls but there's no time for that now. Eventually, Oliver came to me after work one day and presented me with a copy of Rayman for the PlayStation 1. I love Rayman, but it is very hard. In fact, it is probably the hardest game on the entire PlayStation 1. The jumps are impossible, and the game has shit appear out of nowhere just to mess you up. The enemies respawn like a respawner in New York City, and there's also a continue system and you have only 5 continues and if you lose all 5 it's time to fuck off. Also, you can't even reach the final boss of Mr Dark unless you've collected all of the electoons in the game. That is fricking ridiculous! In my near 35 years of playing Rayman, I have only ever managed to reach Picture City which may as well be called... well I shan't say the name as there may have a priest in the mix who would be very angry with me if I were to say the word that is currently on my mind.

After being handed the game, I expressed my concerns to Oliver who shrugged before saying, "this copy is real sweet my man, now remember before any final take a pre-game dump." I have a thing for the double helix. Sorry about that, as Oliver grabbed his jacket and hat from the hatcheck girl, I looked the game case over, and it looked alright. Well at least, the front cover looked alright as the back of the case had an odd picture of Rayman dressed as a chicken, and there was a wolf character standing next to him wearing a bib and he was holding a knife and fork and looked mighty angry. There was a speech bubble above the wolf which read, "some people would do anything for money." I ignored that because I was craving a chicken sandwich and upon reaching the local Mickey D's I was horrified to find that it had been shut down for the evening so that the plates could get an extra wash, and the staff there didn't want to disturb the liners with their wash if you know what I mean. I was not taking no for an answer, and tried to kick the door down but I was stopped from doing so by another co-worker of mine named Grimace. No he had no relation to the McDonalds character of the same name. Grimace rubbed his rotten fingers over his rotten goatee as he said, "be careful Mike, remember what George Clooney says in Batman & Robin, you break it you buy it." Grimace was right. How could I be so penny foolish? Then an idea hit my ear lobe. Knowing that Grimace was a Rayman master and had beaten the entire Rayman series in just three days, I showed him the game and he asked if he could watch me play. "You look like you need a friend in need Pooh." Grimace said, but my name wasn't Pooh and I was very offended by that but I chose to look past it as Grimace was heavily built son of a bitch. He was the size of a double decker bus, and he also had an ear on his back which made it very ill advised to drop an under the mouth comment whenever he past you by on his scooter. Grimace and I headed over to my flat over in Uptown Oakton City. Uptown Oakton. We been living in an uptown world!

Upon entering the kitchen of my flat, I was delighted to see that I had a chicken sandwich still fresh in the McDonalds bag well actually there was a rat in the bag, but I did not care and I ate the burger right in front of a disgusted Grimace who remarked, "good lord you've got problems you know that?" Grimace on my orders headed into the sitting room which stank of chicken sandwiches and carbohydrates like Subway biscuits and he proceeded to set the console up. I did not own a PS1 anymore as it it blew up when I tried to play Tweenies Game Time and the PS1 hated the fact that I selected Max who looked deformed. They wanted me to pick Milo. EW! I did however own a PS3 and it was the Kit Kat Chunky model which was backwards compatible. Grimace was taking an extremely long time to put the disc into the console wink and he was walking two cm a minute, and I got pissed off and told him to hurry up and he got scared and threw the disc into the console and finally the game began. Only there was no Ubisoft clip there was instead a weird home movie type clip where a Matt Damon impersonator goes on a date with a van which had eyes and a mouth, and the father of the van who was a real man named Dan pointed at the Matt Damon impersonator and threatened him with, "be careful that's my daughter there!" He repeated that again and again, and then instead of the bricks which exploded like in the movies there was another clip which had a man an old man to be precise sitting on a bench waiting for a bus unaware that all buses were off for the year, so he was going to be waiting a very long time. So sad. Then the opening scene began where the Magician tells us the story of Rayman. "Hiya folks! You wanna know what's going on?" The Magician asked like normal but Grimace ran out of the room like a little Dickens because the Magician's hat was blue instead of black and his big throbbing nose was slightly wonky. The opening cutscene played like normal, but Rayman's World looked wrong even before Mr Dark took over. The sky was purple, and the grass was yellow and there were a bunch of moustached men in food karts that were selling kalalarshes. Then Mr Dark appeared and he defeated Bletilla The Fairy who wasn't Bletilla The Fairy but was instead Winona Ryder who was really annoying and she had voiceover where she talked about how much she loved Rayman and wanted his help in building a brand new church. It's just like it's just like a mini mall!

Oh, man I know you're gonna like this but after Winona to the Ryder disappeared with Mr Dark, the Magician made a big stink about the Electoons were now hidden all around the land inside Tesco carrier bags and we saw one of the bags outside a local chippy and the Electoons were sitting next to a man with Rastafarian hair who was being beaten with a stick by the owner who is shocked when people go to school so shocked in fact that he even lowers his glasses. Now, that's true shock if I may say so myself. Then, the Magician cried; "Rayman to the rescue!" Rayman then appeared chilling on a sunlounger and he was drinking from a coconut and he looked at the screen as he said, "no problem." The coconut was very hairy so hairy to made me sick. The Magician then pondered a ponder about whether the bad guys would let Rayman save the day, as Mr Dark was then shown on top of a hill in Scotland overlooking the map and he had a trunk. An elephant trunk! He must have been playing that game Elefun. The game then started with the main map, and Rayman looked proper scared as he bit his fingers and looked at the screen as he didn't know there would be so much work to do. The first level and the only level available to me at this time was the first area of the game; "Pink Plant Woods," but the first level was now called Hippo's Complex. This level was odd. It was not at all a normal Rayman level. In the first level, we had a man called Hippo bad parenting am I right? Anyways, Hippo needed some help getting the Coco Pops cereal banned because hippos live inside the bowls according to him. Rayman seemed to believe him, and I did do when I saw that inside the ball there were a bunch of hippos dancing in the milk and one of them took a big ole dump which caused the milk to turn brown and steam to come out from the top of it. The game then provided me with dialogue suggestions on how I could help Hippo. Some of these suggestions including advising Hippo to run for Congress or to go undercover at Kelloggs and taint all of the Coco Pop rations with swine flu which would probably kill a few dozen, but did Hippo care? He only cared if it was hippos that were dying? Now, I didn't really like Hippo as he was incredibly British so British like some kind of Derek Rice. I then selected the third option which simply read, "grow a pair." Hippo sank to his knees and bent his head backwards and began crying only it sounded more like a man getting a bee shoved up his ass than an actual heartfelt cry. I felt bad and I guess Rayman did too as he patted Hippo on the back, and the pair then headed to Pink Plant Woods the one that was SUPPOSED to appear in this level, and Hippo demonstrated the fact that he could in fact hang on branches. He remained impassive as he grabbed onto a tree branch which then snapped and he fell into the river where he was attacked by sharks, but thankfully the game cut to a new level before we could see the aftermath.

I was now in Anguish Lagoon, and thankfully this level was actually normal for the first segment, but during the next one where you had the boss fight with Bzzit The Mosquito. Bzzit was far more aggressive than he was in the final game, and I actually lost one of my 5 continues during the battle. Rayman finally had enough and after pressing the R1 button for some reason he dawned a fly swatter, and he gave Bzzit one heck of a swat which caused him to splat all over the lane. Blue blood got everywhere as I guess Bzzit was royalty, but Rayman looked horrified as he looked at his hands and cried, "what have I done!?" I laughed because I never liked Bzzit he looked far too angry during his boss fight for me to consider him one of Rayman's bros. Then the game cut to black, and when it came back Bzzit was somehow back from the dead and he and Rayman decided to forget about their hatred for one another and instead become best buds like they do in the actual game. Bzzit then flew Rayman through the Anguish Lagoon, only for the only entire level Bzzit was in the fast mode instead of just at the end of the level. Bzzit was zooming so fast that he would probably give Sonic The Hedgehog a run for his money! Bzzit was going so fast that I could barely avoid running into the enemies and a local policeman ended up having a problem as at the end of the level Rayman and Bzzit were confronted by the policeman who gave Rayman a hefty ticket. Thinking quickly, Rayman reached inside his helicopter hair and produced a bag of chocolate coins that he had stolen from Mr Mean's garden many years ago. The policeman eyed the chocolate coins and asked, "is this some kind of joke?" Bzzit and Rayman simply responded by shrugging a shrug as really out of place saxophone music played in the background. Rayman and Bzzit parted ways as Rayman was then confronted by Winona Ryder who gave Rayman the power to not just punch but also to hang. Originally, you were supposed to unlock the ability to punch in the previous level but we were so busy helping Hippo that the game shat itself and decided to give us the punch power here instead. After Winona Ryder thankfully left, Rayman appeared on the map again as we then made our way over to the Swamps Of Forgetfulness.

At the Swamps Of Forgetfulness, instead of it being Rayman's caveman counterpart who gives him a seed to plant so that he can escape the incoming flood, it was instead the aforementioned Mr Mean who was pulling some weeds out from his garden. Mr Mean got very angry upon seeing Rayman and got ready to cut his nose off with a trowel, but Rayman showed no fear as he proceeded to say, "I know my being here is very amusing, but I thought you could have this." Rayman sounded nothing like the Rayman that I knew for that one line and for that one line only he sounded like Billy West AKA Fry from Futurama. Rayman proceeded to hand Mr Mean a baked bean just one baked bean, and Mr Mean looked at the bean and back at Rayman and then he crumbled into a pile of Heinz Baked Beans all premium wrapped in tins, and that's when Rayman found that he had it all or something but thankfully in his absence Mr Mean had left behind a seed which Rayman planted and he used the sprouting plants that came out from those seeds to escape the flood. In the second part of the Swamps Of Forgetfulness, the flood was still there and had not disappeared like it was supposed to do. I was freaking out, but thankfully I guess just like my wife Rayman had also trained under Jack Kahuna Laguna as a surfboard then appeared on top of the rising waves, and Rayman not taking any chances leapt onto the surfboard where he began surfing towards the exit. Suddenly, my old friend from my days in the Olive Oil business Colonel Dodo appeared on a rubber dingy built for two and he was rowing through the flood next to Rayman. Colonel Dodo pointed at Rayman as he proclaimed, "you'll never get dry that way my boy!" Uh no, because there's a fricking flood going on Colonel Dodo you dunce! I was so distracted by Colonel Dodo's fat ass that I ended up crashing Rayman and the surf board right into a bricked wall, but somehow Rayman did not die instead he once again ended up back on the world map where I proceeded to head on to Mosquito's Nest.

In Mosquito's Nest, the jumps over the swinging spiky fruit proved to be real easy as the spiky fruit had been replaced with Starbursts and when Rayman reached the abomination that spat out enemies it didn't do anything it just lowered it's head in front of Rayman and actually bowed like that scene in Return Of The King. Before leaving, the abomination turned to face Rayman and spat a key out from it's mouth. Pressing the x button I was able to get Rayman to grab the key, and he scanned the key over as the abomination looked down at Rayman and the camera zoomed extra close on it's face as it said, "keep it secret keep it safe." "I promise!" Rayman proclaimed like some kind of LIttle Nemo who walks like he's shat himself towards Donovan Santa who was really just Santa Claus if he were Greek and wore a toga. Then the chase with Bzzit happened who I guess decided that friendship wasn't worth shit as he was now chasing Rayman with a large spiky fruit. Bzzit in the actual game looks very sad during the chase suggesting that the other mosquitos had threatened him into submission, but in this version? Oh man, Bzzit looked pleased as punch to be chasing Rayman, but thankfully the chase was incredibly easy so easy it's kind of funny. Bzzit you suck bro! After the chase ended, we were thrust into the boss battle with Mosquitio who was red and Rayman hated red mosquitos so they weren't going to become friends today. The boss fight was normal, only there now seemed to be a green spiky fruit as in the original game there is only red, yellow, and purple. The green was a homing fruit and it managed to hit me twice, but on the third time I managed to deflect the fruit so that it hit the wall of the nest which caused a massive gape to appear. Mosquito was horrified and flew out from the hole accompanied by his mosquito brethren including Bzzit. Mosquito eventually saw a fat sweaty tourist outside the nest and he was posing for his wife Joanna to take some pictures. Mosquito and his crew chased the fat tourist who ended up falling into a ditch and he couldn't get out because of his fat ass making it impossible to budge. Bzzit then appeared back at the nest to try and salvage his friendship with Rayman, but Rayman knew now that there was no love in Bzzit's heart. This is likely the reason why in Rayman 2 Bzzit is treated like a lapdog by Rayman, Globox, and the other characters. Seriously, Bzzit's only role in that game is to give Rayman a lift on a boat to the Ice Kingdom. For the rest of that fucking game, Bzzit just hovers around the countryside and he just looks sad. So very sad indeed. I had not collected any of the Electoons up to this point, but I had a plan. I informed Grimace that once all the levels were complete, I was going to import a cheat code that will allow for all the Electoons to have been saved and therefore allolw for me to take on Mr Dark at his candy chateaue.

The map then proceeded to open up new areas including Band Land and Blue Mountains. I'm a man of order, my favourite game being The Order was I decided to head to Band Land first and the first level in that world was called Bongo Hills. Band Land though it was a real pain in the asshole was my favourite area in the game it was a level made entirely out of instruments and music notes. Now, the first level of Bongo Hills was completely normal the only real difference is that the music in the background was replaced by the sound of an elderly man coughing into a tissue that smelt like noses. The second level was where things began to get nasty. So, for context, my least favourite enemies in the game are the green bugs that appear in this world. They slip and slide like real bugs, and the noises oh man they even sound like real bugs. However, this level was completely different. It didn't even take place in Band Land. No instead, Rayman was driving in a car down a long desert highway until he ended up driving over a pebble which caused one of the tires to burst. The car came to a halt outside a local deli, and Rayman looked puzzled as a tow truck appeared from behind his vehicle, and wouldn't you know it just so happened to be driven by one of those green bug creatures that I hate so much. The green bug got out from the truck, and walked over to Rayman's vehicle where he tapped on the window three times. Rayman rolled the window down, and the bug asked in an incredibly whacky sounding voice, "need some help?" He then proceeded to smile like The Joker and stare at the screen no options were given like it did earlier when we were at Hippo's house instead the bug just stared at me. Grimace then sneezed loudly too loudly if I may add which seemed to startle the game back into working as we were finally on the part of Bongo Hills where its stormy and rainy, The ground was incredibly slippery, and it caused Rayman to slip and slide all over the place, and at one point he ended up slipping so high up into the air that when he came back down he broke his fricking back. Then it did an abrupt cut to the final level of Bongo Hills where the red monster with the clubs made his lodgings and he swung his clubs into the air as he sang a heavy metal cover of Best Friend by Queen. Allegro Presto was the next stop for Rayman, but little did I know that my problems were only just beginning, and like that twat Braveheart said in The Care Bears Movie now my adventure could really begin. The level started with Rayman in a doctors office obviously a result of his career breaking injury in the previous level. Rayman sat on a chair in a white void looking room as a German doctor named Otto creepily walked towards him in slow motion. "Lean back my boy." Otto said in a very threatening tone of voice as Rayman leaned back, and instead of treating his back Otto proceeded to try and impress Rayman with his Van Halen guitar. It was quite smelly too as Otto then proceeded to gloat at the camera about his guitar was personally signed. Otto was not a very good doctor anyway as I heard from a friend of a friend that Otto once tried to help Henry The Albatross with his back problems, and all he did was shoot two massive needles up poor ole Henry's arse. Having had enough of Otto's gloating, Rayman got up from his chair and threw one of his fists at Otto's back which caused his own back to break and he sank to the floor in pain as he cried, "oh my back!"

As if by magic, Rayman's own back problems seemed to magically disappear as it then cut to the second level of Allegro Presto this being the one with the fucking annoying trumpets that are supposed to use their loud music to trampoline you to the various points in the level, but they are very terrible in doing this. The trumpets were even worse in this rotten version, and they sent Rayman flying high into the Band Land sky and eventually he went flying all across the area until he reached a local bar which was hidden inside a massive drum now that's kind of cute. Inside the bar, Rayman was horrified to learn that it was open mic night, and he was ushered towards the stage by a bunch of old ladies highly cynical ones too, the kind of cynical old ladies that sneer at a man just for cheering as he plays Spider-Man 1 for the PlayStation 2, but I digress. In any case, Rayman sang a cover of a song that is so bad I won't bother telling you the name but it sounded like a truck getting lit on fire, and the song was actually a duet between Rayman and this fucking awesome guy named Zeus The Guitar Lord who I must stress was indeed very awesome. A bunch of really smelly backpackers then stood at the front of the stage bobbing their heads along to the music which made me very sick. I got so sick indeed but I stuffed a shoe into my mouth which helped to make the sick down thank otter as Grimace meanwhile who was now sitting on the couch playing Gameboy Colour identified the backpackers as being members of the Backpack Mafia a semi legit organisation based in Australia and also Greece, but only the part of Greece that's deserted like the village where a man with fat fucking hands will raid your cottage looking for a snack but when you return home he'll get proper cross. I was very angry that Grimace seemed more concerned with playing his Gameboy Colour than watching me play, and I confronted him about it only to learn that he was playing Rayman 2 for the GBC, and like some kind of Will Smith and his agent that made me very happy. Back to the game, for the final part of Allegro Presto, Rayman was flying across the area on the shaker like normal, but because I'm pretty stupid I ended up crashing into the ceiling however instead of just dying, Rayman's head was squashed into a pancake but he didn't really seem to mind all that much, matter of fact he reacted with bemusement more than anything. Once Allegro Presto was finished up, I got ready to head to Gong Heights but before heading there, a brief clip came on screen. It lasted only two seconds. "What was that!?" I asked myself like a loon. I couldn't be too sure, but it looked an awful lot like that guy from earlier Hippo and he was making out with a stuffed hippo plush while making a big stink about how he'll NEVER review Rayman 2 for as long as he lives. So sad.

Blimey! Even the Atari Jaguar, didn't he get around? Sorry about that, now Gong Heights the clouds in the sky were grey and muggy. The floating Buddhists had their eyes open, and they had real eyes big bulging ones full of veins and they glared at Rayman as he jumped across them. Personally, I always hated Gong Heights the jumps that the game expected for Rayman to do were nearly impossible. So in this level, these floating monks or whatever float in the sky holding things like a ball or a springy spring and Rayman has to jump on them in order to advance through the level, but the jumps oh man the jumps. Then just when I thought I died from falling a fall with twice the fall, the game suddenly cut to a brand new level where Rayman was shown on a beach and he was now a big chungus if you don't mind me saying and he was playing a game of volley ball against the monks who were very agitated because it was almost noon, and they needed to head back to the church so they could ring on the bells to Jump Around by House Of Pain, a ritual that all monks were required to take part in if they wanted the coverted Mars Bars. The beach was large, and there was a big bag of golden nuggets the cereal made by Nestle as Rayman was sponsored by Nestle. Don't believe me? The Nestle logo was on the front of the box... well at least on this version of the game anyway. Also, Mr Dark was also on the beach he was just chilling on a sun lounger with one of those fruity drinks with the little umbrella in them, and he looked very sad like a slug as Rayman and co had not bothered to ask if he wanted to play, and that ole Darky boy very sad it did. You know something for as intimidating and nasty as he may appear; Mr Dark was kind of a chicken nugget happy meal I mean the guy plots his plots in a candy chateau and he flees like a bee once he realises that Rayman has the skills to fight him back. Mr Dark never expected that Rayman would be a genuine threat to him. For the last level of Gongo Heights, Rayman was chased through the clouds like normal, and so far this was the only normal level... well it was for about two minutes until the chase suddenly got cranked up to maximum overdrive! I kept fricking dying from the off screen threat that was chasing Rayman, and as a result I lost two more of my five continues. I only had two left! I needed to make them count or else the country's done as Dickens once prophesied! With Gong Heights done and dusted, the final area of Band Land opened up which was Mr Sax's home turf, and the second being the first area of the new world; Blue Mountains. As stated earlier. I'm all about the order so I decided to just finish up Band Land. I should also mention before we go on that my feet were starting to get really sore at this point, and my toenails seemed to feel a lot sharper than they did when I started playing the game. Hmm.

Mr Sax was chilling on a cloud eating a chicken leg. Saxophones should not be eating chicken legs! I'm very outspoken on matters such as this so you better believe I was angry! Upon seeing Rayman, Mr Sax got very angry and he proceeded to chase Rayman through the musical notes, and also Rayman had lost his big chungus belly and was now his normal self although his face looked wrong. He had the face combination of an old fart and a man who you wouldn't want to see in a street corner where a gimp stands there awkwardly. Probably should of joined the choir shouldn't he? Mr Sax eventually gave up on chasing Rayman, and then the bit came up where Rayman had to use a pair of anthromorphic symbols to traverse across the plain. The symbols were incredibly aggressive and I lost yet another one of my continues in this part, and so now I only had one continue left. It didn't surprise me none, as this was typically the point in the game where all my continues are gobbled up. The boss fight with Mr Sax went by normal for the most part, however whenever he shot those little bomb things out from his hole a loud fart noise was heard instead of a saxophone one. The only thing that was sort of easy in Rayman were the boss battles, and so it didn't take me very long to beat Mr Sax. Mr Sax fell to the ground dead, but then he revived himself two seconds later and started dancing. However, many people believe that ole Mr Sax was dancing out of respect for the one known as Rayman, when in reality he was clearly dancing out of fear. Poor ole Mr Sax looked very scared indeed, Then another level happened after the defeat of Mr Sax which featured Rayman, Mr Sax, Duke Silver, and Zoot all on a stage performing jazz music, but while the audience loved the music they failed to realise that the song was about how dumb Mr Sax's brother is and how one time he shined a magnifying glass onto a red ant which glared at him because ants do that. This particular section reminded me a lot of those dancing sections in GTA: San Andreas where you have to press the button prompts at the correct time as they enter a small circle, and thankfully I managed to beat the section as Rayman was then offered a chance to chance if you catch my drift by the King of Band Land who ordered his grasshopper enforcers to take Mr Sax outside like a dog and give him an incredibly brutal death. The King of Band Land was indeed very cruel and was known as a dictator as he had his grasshopper minions patrol the entire area, and he gave them permission to attack anyone which you know as bugs they are kind of prone to. It's kind of in their nature, ya know buster?

With Mr Sax being taken away to his implied death though he could escape by offering to make the grasshoppers chicken legs, I was finally able to go to the first level of Blue Mountains named Twilight Gulch, and upon arriving there I suddenly got greeted with my favourite cutscene in the entire Rayman series the bit in the cafe starring Mr Stone who was chilling at the bar with Robbie Williams, and he looked Robbie Williams dead in the eye as he said, "I don't do this often." Robbie Williams completely misunderstanding the situation smiled broadly and a little patronisingly at Mr Stone as he proceeded to autograph his stonewalled chest, and Mr Stone lost his mind as he cried, "what did you do that for!? You've ruined it!" Mr Dark then proceeded to grab Robbie Williams in a choke hold. First, Winona Ryder and now Robbie Williams!? Robbie Williams is mean to me. Actually, no I've never met the guy like some kind of Red M&M when he's asked to give his testimony against Santa Claus, but that's another story. After the cutscene ended, the rest of the level played a bit like normal my favourite enemies in the game being present in this world the little Sonic The Hedgehog inspired rock monsters who gallop like horses but go into a ball and do a spin dash like Sonic whenever you step your foot into their turf. You probably should have practiced in the garage before stepping up to their level. I'll be honest this level was going normal, and that's when we got ourselves another chase sequence on hand. Mr Stone chased Rayman through the Gulch with clear malice in his eyes, and unlike in the actual game where just like every other antagonist he was a silent threat in this game he actually spoke and when he spoke he had the voice of a middle aged woman from London which makes no sense, and all Mr Stone could say was, "come back here boy!" Somehow, the chase with Mr Stone was even more pathetic than the one from earlier with Mr Sax. So, I was able to quickly lose him behind, and this is also where I should probably mention that now I also had the helicopter hair and the swinging abilities. I had neglected to mention my receiving of these two powers, as frankly if I have to say Winona Ryder's name one more fricking time I'm going to turn into a pecan pie, and I hate pecan pie. It gives me stomach flu. I never said it would give me something funny, now did I my pork? After finishing Twilight Gulch, I was now going to Hard Rocks, it's a hard rock life you could say!

Well I couldn't believe what I saw during the first part of this level as it was none other than Sam and Max themselves! Sam and Max were just walking around barefoot on the spiky spiked ground, and one of the spikes ended up catching Sam on the nose which caused his nose to deflate. I guess you could his nose was flaccid. That's disgusting! Rayman (against my wishes) approached the officers and asked if they needed assistance. Sam grabbed Rayman and pulled him close as he pointed towards the Northern Lights inspired sky as he said, "somewhere far away from here, a criminal mastermind is planning on turning this entire mountain into a Tesco Extra, and Max and I have got to teach that fiend a lesson in corporate perishables!" A brief second clip of a rotten cheese cake then come on screen as Sam said that last part of his mini rant. According to Sam, he and Max were on the hunt for a dangerous fiend an ugly little shrew that has his hands permanently stuck in the air. The mouse was Mr Stone's secret accomplice as the pair wanted to make Tesco Extra great again by installing one in every single area of the Blue Mountains. Sam and Max's ride then appeared next to the trio and it was a jumbo jet plane which was being driven by Markipiler. "Need a ride son?" Sam asked Rayman as he got into the passenger side of the plane, but though Rayman did not respond somehow Sam knew the answer. "Get on the fricking plane!" Max yelled with rage as Rayman hastily ran onto the plane which took off the runway and began flying through the Blue Mountains. Sam leaned back in his chair eating a big dish of spaghetti carbonara and he spooked up a big handful of the cheesy pasta and offered Rayman and Max some as he inquired with, "have you two tried the spaghetti carbonara? I'm dying!" Max meanwhile put his hands behind his back as he said, "it's a good job you got us a plane Mark, this is going to be easy!" However, that's when Markipiler made a shocking revelation. He had bought the plane off from EBay which meant the the plane was in very bad condition, and upon mentioning the word EBay it caused Sam, Max, and Rayman to all pull very shocked faces. The plane ended up crashing into the middle of a snowy plain where two Icelandic men were having cheeseburgers under the Northern Lights, and upon seeing Rayman one of the men pointed at him and said, "mm M&Ms." Sam and Max were about to blast Markiplier with their bazookas when they saw their suspect was also in the area and he didn't really all that bothered by the pair's presence, but the pair mistook his impassiveness for a nasty attack so they proceeded to brutally tackle him. Well Sam tackled the mouse, while Max handed Rayman something. It was a banana a green banana too as Max then turned into an incredibly awkward BBC extra who wrapped his hand around Rayman as he said, "when the time comes, will you be ready?" I guess they didn't have enough dosh to have Sam and Max appear in the rest of the level so they had to get a professional Max impersonator even though that man sounded nothing like fricking Max but what are you gonna do eh? You get what you pay for as they say in El Dorado.

Blue Mountains was a lot shorter than I remember it being, as unlike the other worlds this one only had three levels with the final level of course being Mr Stone's Peaks. Things seemed to be getting back to normal with the level starting up outside the cottage where Rayman approaches a local musician and Bob Ross lookalike. The Musician was by far my favourite character in the game, not just because he was as cool as a hot Summers day but also because he was the one that supplies Rayman with the super flight power which allows for Rayman to fly forever instead of just temporally like it usually is. However, the game suddenly turned dark as The Magician held up a massive blunt and passed it on over to Rayman as he said, "this special flying power is for you." So, Rayman got higgggggh and are you really all that surprised? Rayman flew through the mountains with a big dumb grin appearing on his face and his eyes became red like the bed, but since he was intoxicated Rayman failed to realise that he had crashed into a radio transmitter which caused all of the TV's in the area to shut off including the television of Mr Stone who got very angry when his telly cut off as now he was going to miss all of his favourite shows. Mr Stone got op from his rocking chair, and decided that it was time to teach that Rayman a lesson. Rayman finally sobered up, and upon coming back to reality oh there goes gravity Rayman now had to cut the ropes, but since he did not have his super flying power he now had to use a pair of pink scissors. The scissors were really bad, and they couldn't really do much of anything but much like with Rayman's back magically curing itself I was able to beat this section. After beating it and I don't mean in that way, it was finally time to take on Mr Stone. Well actually; it was very easy. Rayman jumped over the grinning stone thing, and hit it like a spring so that it hit Mr Stone right on his beautiful head. Mr Stone stumped forwards and backwards, and the grinning rock thing ended up falling on top of his head, and Mr Stone for the life of him could not get the damn thing off. "Get this thing off me!" Mr Stone ran towards the wall, and began smashing his head on it in an attempt to get something to fall on top of him that would hopefully break the boulder in half, and this bit in particular made me feel incredibly uneasy, but thinking that it was a bad case of indigestion as I just eaten a big dinner of mcchicken sandwiches in a half shell; I decided not to dwell on it. Eventually, Mr Stone bitterly gave up and he sank to his knees as he cried, "how could this happen to me?" Suddenly, a fucking rat with glasses appeared on the screen, and his face took up the whole screen as he proclaimed in a nasty voice, "oh we don't mind waiting!"

After leaving Mr Stone heartbroken for life, Picture City was the next big stop. I'll be honest; in all of my years playing Rayman for the PS1 this is the furthest that I have managed to reach because this world is one gigantic pain in the dick, and not a very nice one either. Much like Band Land, Picture City is a very beautiful looking world with the entire area being made out of arts and crafts, you even get ride to certain areas on a pencil sharpener, and there are pencils coming out from the sky and they are very sharp. Oh dear! The first section of Picture City was called Eraser Plains. The little teaser picture that shows up to show you what the world was going to be like came on screen, but it looked rather weird. Rayman was painting a painting of Mona Lisa as a Rayman creature like normal, but Hippo that guy from earlier was looking at the photo and he looked horrified. He had his face in his hands and he looked like that scream painting, you know the one I won't bother describing it because otherwise we'll be here until the sun goes down, and I know that you don't want that to happen now do you? The first section of Eraser Plains was incredibly cruel, the jumps across the pencils were much harder but yet somehow I was able to get through it with ease maybe luck was shining on my ass or something. However, upon reaching the exit sign for the level, Rayman looked really tired. He was panting like a panting dog and just as he was about to reach the sign a spiky thumbtack appeared that prevented me from finishing the level. Rayman looked up and saw an entire gauntlet of complex jumps and tricks he was going to have to do in order to reach the end of the stage. However, Rayman just passed out and in the background I could hear The Magician yell out in an incredibly phoned in line; "Rayman to the rescue!" The level cut to black for two seconds, and when it came back I was now in another segment of Eraser Plains and for some reason this part appeared to be a chase level. I actually was able to see the context behind the chase. Rayman was just chilling when he saw a gorilla sitting on a pencil getting ready to play a drum set that he had sitting on another pencil which was sitting next to him. Rayman appeared from behind the gorilla, and made a weird sound which caught the gorilla off guard and caused him to accidentally kick his drum set into the ink river which as you might of expected caused the drums to become completely unplayable. This angered the gorilla greatly and it began to give chase to Rayman.

At this point, I realised that it was no ordinary gorilla no it was the Cadburys Gorilla who was a massive Phill Collins fan and also a proud investor in Souvlaki Hut, but that's another story entirely. The chase was incredibly difficult, so it came as no surprise to me that the gorilla was eventually able to catch Rayman. The gorilla grabbed Rayman with his immense strength, and proceeded to try and pull Rayman apart. However, Rayman's hands and feet are not attached to his body obvs so the gorilla was unable to rip the little walnut whip into shreds like he had so hoped to do. The gorilla began to cry, but Rayman then offered to find him a new drum set and much like Bzzit before him, the gorilla quickly went from being Rayman's enemy to a friend. The gorilla offered Rayman a piggy back ride, and the pair ventured their way through the rest of Eraser Plains. Upon reaching the first boss battle with Space Mama, once again the context behind the level had completely changed. It now took place in a suburban neighbourhood and the gorilla was shocked and Rayman was too when they saw Space Mama flying towards them on a pair of balloons. Not wanting to face a confrontation, the gorilla was very much a pacifist, he turned on his heel and left the area. He grabbed onto the balloons that Space Mama had used to come to the area, and he floated high into the even sky and a really dumb looking kid pointed at the gorilla as he flew away and sang, "I miss my friend!" His voice was incredibly dumb sounding. Space Mama who was now standing next to Rayman and she turned to face the impassive looking limbless hero as she asked, "what do you suppose is eating that guy?" After finishing Eraser Plains, I was feeling pretty wicked and this is when I should mention that Rayman could now run like a gun and was so fast you couldn't even see him on certain occasions. The next two levels of Picture City were completely different; Pencil Pentathlon was called Sketching A Sketch Starring Rayman, and it had Rayman sitting in a realistic looking college classroom and he was painting a picture of some fruit although the fruit looked very sinister. It was a pineapple and the kind of pineapple that insults you unaware that a knife is lurking behind it's beautiful spiked hairdo. Suddenly, the head of the class one Francisco Tater appeared behind Rayman and he was very rude as he cried, "oh no no!" Francisco Tater proceeded to grab a hold of Rayman's painting and he smashed it down onto the ground. Ole Francisco was clearly trying to forget about his past as a high school football mascot Chicken Tater, he had the potential to become one of the great football gaming mascots but let's just say he had a rather unfortunate incident with a bottle of Gorilla Clue. So, as you can clearly see it's all coming together. Rayman was apparently very sad that Tater had insulted his art and his head became floppy like a blubber fish.

Space Mama's Crater was now called Electric Magnesium and the teaser picture showed Rayman plugging a plug into a plug socket, and he looked very dumb as he had one of his fingers covering his mouth as if to say; "keep this between us dear." I got sick! Thankfully, the game started to glitch out following this little teaser, and it cut back to the map where Rayman was now being forced to head on over to the Cave Of Skops, The teaser was normal for the most part with a very sinister looking Mr Skops standing behind a very perplexed Rayman who looked like he was doing a proper ponder, and it kind of me reminded of two men on my estate with bowler hats who ponder about math problems as they say, "hmm," and only "hmm." During the first segment of The Cave Of Skops, Rayman was running through the area when he came across one of the red diamond things and he realised that a lot of money could be made, but the red diamond thing was sentient and it looked very scared upon noticing Rayman's interest in it. The rest of the level played like normal and it was the only normal level in the entire game. However, the next part of The Caves Of Skops was very wrong. Eat At Joes started like normal with the alien boy Joe asking Rayman for help in getting the lights turned back on at his bar. However, sadly, Joe had become a massive sell out and was now catering towards the Backpack Mafia who had taken over the bar in hopes of turning it into a jellyfish cathedral. This entire plan was spearheaded by jellyfish haired man Ben who was the current leader of the BM, and he was said to be very skilled at bluegrass but not so good at cutting grass. Rayman was able to get the power back on for Joe who unlike in the actual game was not very nice towards Rayman, as he rudely pointed towards the ocean as he said, "go." Excuse me? Rayman got angry at Joe's rudeness as well as the fact that Joe was now taking credit for getting the power back on. In a very out of character moment, Rayman proceeded to drown Joe in the salty sea and this scene would no doubt cause an uproar from an old lady in Surrey who would make a public appeal about how Joe should have been given a proper talking to like all alien boys should. Joe didn't die however, as much like Bzzit before him he and Rayman became instant best friends. I suddenly felt an itch on my chest, I put my hand underneath my shirt and pulled a chicken feather out from under there. What was happening to me? My toenails were becoming even sharper too.

It was time for me to take on ole Mr Skops, and his domain was now called Grilling The Skops. Upon confronting Mr Skops, he awoke from his slumber as normal and he charged towards Rayman and the fight was normal. In fact, the big difference in the level only appeared after I had defeated Mr Skops whose final battle took place in Agrabah. I heard there was a party going on in Agrabah, but I must ask where is the groom? Mr Skops took his defeat gracefully, and he left Agrabah behind and reported his failure back to Mr Dark over at the Candy Chateau. This scene helped to confirm that ole Skops was indeed the primary enforcer of Mr Dark. Mr Dark was very angry with how badly Mr Skops had failed him, and using his magic Mr Dark was able to make Skops levitate into the air, as he then proceeded to drop Skops into a boiling pot of hot water. Mr Dark then took out the now cooked scorpion, and proceeded to eat the entire creature as tears swelled in his eyes as he cried with a mouth full of food, "why did I do it!?" I hate it when people eat with their fucking mouths open, and I was very tempted to complain but I kept myself buttoned up as I realised that I had finally unlocked the Candy Chateau. I was however very confused by this since as stated at the start of this little lit, I had not even bothered to collect any of the Electoons. This game was indeed exceedingly cruel in that you were forced to 100% the story just so you can unlock the final world and the final boss. The ending wasn't even worth it to be honest as it was just an establishing shot of Rayman's World while The Magician says in the background in a highly patronising voice, "you did it! You saved the world!" The teaser for The Candy Chateau showed a picture of Rayman munching on a chocolate bar, and in the background Mr Dark was shown just flying high in the sky like a fly in your room he would never leave. Arriving at the Candy Chateau, the next few levels were the same as usual with Mr Dark with Rayman sliding down the hills of sugar on a spoon, and in the next segment Mr Dark created the Dark Rayman who chased Rayman through the level. Dark Rayman copied the regular Rayman's movements in every way. I have to say Candy Chateau a place made entirely out of sweets and chocolate seemed like a very odd place for someone like Mr Dark to be hiding out at. I was able to escape Dark Rayman and upon reaching the end of the level, Dark Rayman fucking dies and turns into nothing.

The next section was the final platforming level in the entire game, and it was odd. Mr Dark did the usual thing of doing his reverse magic in order to make the controls for this level backwards so right becomes left and left becomes right. However, Rayman while walking through the chocolate platforms was startled by one of the frying pan flying clowns. Rayman was so scared that he fell off the bar of chocolate into a big pile of sugar. Rayman got some of the sugary sugar on his lips, and upon coming to he realised where he was. Rayman's eyes turned into bars of chocolate as he proclaimed, "yippee!" I pulled a horrifying face after Rayman proclaimed that as I happen to be allergic to the word, "yippee," and it makes me pulled horrid faces whenever the word is mentioned. Rayman proceeded to go on a candy binge. He ate all of the sweets from the Candy Chateau getting increasingly larger and larger as time goes on. He ate everything. The red laces, the liquorish all sorts, and even drank from the river which was boiling hot yellow yoak which came from a Cadburys Crème Egg because I guess Mr Dark got all of his sweets from the United Kingdom suggesting they may be his partner in the trade if you catch my drift. You know something Mr Dark? If the taking over the world thing doesn't work out, you could make a real killing as a sweets salesman. Rayman's body eventually decided that it could not take anymore for him to eat. He collapsed onto the ground in a big pile of sugar and he had a massive grin upon his face suggesting that Rayman finally found some contentment in being a fat bastard. Rayman's greedy actions reminded of the time at work where I ate all of my co-workers' cupcakes before a big meeting. The cupcakes were meant for all of them, and I ate em! Mr Dark then appeared on screen as he said in a nonchalant tone of voice, "yeah that was my plan all along." Mr Dark started celebrating in his castle that Rayman was dead and he realised that he now had a bit of a problem, as without Rayman his evil plan had no punchline. Mr Dark left his castle and decided to create a new foe all out of sugar and he would call it Sugar Man. How creative indeed, but thankfully Rayman beyond the grave was able to get the last laugh on Mr Dark. The green banana that Rayman had been given by Max earlier was now lying on the ground next to one of the boiling hot yoak pools. Mr Dark slipped on the peal with his massive pointy Disney shoes, and he went flying and he fell directly into the yoak pool. Mr Dark rose from the pool, and even though he could of just climbed out he ended up clutching his chest with one of his hands and he put the other hand in the air as he then proceeded to sink into the depths of the Cadbury Crème Egg. The Magician then appeared on screen and he was in some kind of black void, and he rubbed the back of his head with his magic wand as he asked, "where has everybody gone?" He kind of reminded me of my old librarian who got proper cross when he couldn't find anyone.

The game then ended with the credits which showcased what all of the characters were doing after the events of the game. Now, in the final game, after Mr Dark's defeat all of the villains undergo heal face turns and they become bros with Rayman with Mr Skops even accompanying Rayman to the seaside. However, the pictures shown in this version were weird. Mr Sax was shown doing accounts in an office, but his big gloved hands were too big for the buttons much to his sadness. Bzzit was shown sadly roaming the forests and he looked sad so very sad indeed, and Mr Stone was shown sitting on a therapy lounge chair with the boulder still sitting proudly above his head and he was talking to a man who seemed more concerned in eating his pizza than he was in helping out Mr Stone. The game then shut itself as I just sat on my chair staring at my television with a blank expression as I said, "that was good." I meant good in a highly sarcastic manner as this was not the Rayman that I knew and loved. Nothing about this game was correct everything was wrong. I also failed to realise that during my playing of the final level, Grimace had decided to let himself out of the cat flap because he was 12% cat according to his dossier. I was tired and so I decided that enough was enough, and I headed to bed however upon waking up the following morning I made a horrifying discover. I looked down to my legs as I sat on the foot of my bed, and learned that I now had chicken talons. I sat on the edge of the bed thinking that I would call in sick for work today, and then I would spend the rest of the day thinking about how to explain it. Thankfully, only my legs seemed to be effected... or so I thought. I headed into my bathroom where I looked in the mirror, but then I saw that was not me anymore. I was... I was a fucking chicken! Indeed, my entire body had now undergone a metamorphism, and I was now a chicken. I didn't have time to dwell on such things as a knock then occurred at my apartment door, and I was very annoyed when I saw that Grimace was standing behind it. Having no other option, i allowed Grimace into the flat and he didn't really seem all that bothered by my current predicament as he pointed at me and said in a very smug tone, "this is what happens when you eat too many McChicken Sandwiches, this is what Oliver and I were trying to warn you about mate." As annoyed as I was with Grimace's tone, I hated to admit it but he was right. If only those damn mayo soaked sandwiches weren't so good. I could have avoided this entire thing all together. I then proceeded to ask Grimace what the point of playing Rayman 1 was, but Grimace simply shrugged as he said, "me no know."

Having had enough of Grimace and his lackluster answers, I proceeded to grab a fork off from the nearby table and I ran towards Grimace where I then proceeded to stab him directly in the eye. Grimace screamed in pain, as I then proceeded to bite his head repeatedly with my newly made beak. Grimace was eventually killed and he fell to the floor in a pile of bird feathers as I pointed at him and said, "sorry Grimace." Needing some fresh air after dealing with Grimace, I left my apartment and took a long walk around the streets of Oakton City where people were now stopping to stare at me and one woman looked particularly horrified as she put her hand up to her mouth as she cried, "oh my lord!" Probably a fan of Bony M. Wait a second.... Bony what!? I got onto a train where everybody looked at me like I was a very tasty snack, and in a way I kind of was. I became very embittered as a result. The train eventually pulled up in the slums of Oakton City where I heard someone calling for me with a bird call, but when I got there they did not need my help and I yelled at them and made a big stink about how I had to take the subway I refer to trains in the New York dialect as my heart belongs to New York if you catch my beaky drift. Needing a place to stay, I decided to rent a room at an old boarding house luckily there was someone just like me living there. Only he wasn't a man chicken hybrid, and was instead a fly man hybrid. There's a big difference trust me as Scar once said. Arriving in my new room, I opened up the blind and I looked out at the local Wall Street brokers playing football in the rain. I looked over to my new roommate Dorchester Fly (ironically his surname was Fly even before the metamorphis) and when I asked him if it ever gets easier he looked at me with a deadpan looked face as he proclaimed, "no way!" He sounded proper dumb when he said that and sounded like a farmer who likes his cows a bit too much, and refuses weed from his dealer in the Aleberry sector. Despite loving his cows, that man does nothing to save them as they walk onto a freeway and are rundown by cars, trucks, and buses oh my! Anyways, I got pretty used to being a chicken as you do, and I was even able to blackmail my boss into giving me a promotion. My boss had wanted me to be fired, but I threatened him by saying I would lie to the police that my boss was being discriminatory towards chickens for firing me just because I was now a chicken. I got myself a cushy job in the unions, I'm a good talker and I... sorry I just did a big ole Vito Corleone of a tangent. Forgive me dear reader, for I think I hear someone calling my name. Well, in case I don't see you, I won't see you.