Headhunters 5: The 2023 Championship

## Introduction

The league's latest supervillain gets a lump of coal for Christmas as Glorio delivers with a gift for the ages. It was an elimination so exciting that I have paused my spa vacation in the Swiss Alps to drop some bars to say farewell to Headless Horsemen.

## In Memoriam: Headless Horsemen

You know those jewelry commericials that always air during the holidays where the woman opens the box on Christmas day and is shocked to find the sparkling diamond necklace, but you can tell that her husband is rich as fuck and a part of her expected a diamond necklace and would have been pissed if she didn't get it? That's sort of how I felt this holiday season in Headhunters. I knew Glorio had something planned for us. Some sort of amazing gift, neatly wrapped and placed under the tree with a red bow. And just like the lady who got the diamond necklace, I was both happily 'shocked' but also fully expecting the wonderful conclusion to the inaugural season for our boy Headless Horsemen.

Would it be a last minute play? A narrow loss? A rash of unexpected injuries? Hits, but hits that Glorio has played time and time again for the naysayers and non-believers. Instead, he waited until Christmas to send Bad Guy packing.

So cosmic justice aside, let's look at the facts. Headless Horsemen bid big early in the season, and outlasted even the wildest expectations for a team that spent most of its budget early on. But in the last few weeks it had started to catch up with him. Obi-Wan and King Henry had so much cash that they were buying up all the big ticket items and leaving Horsemen with the scraps. Mind you, the scraps were still pretty fucking good. We're talking guys like James Cook who recently put up a 50 point game. But the Tyreeks, the LaPortas, the Jalens. All those guys were going to the two teams who had narrowly survived the first half of the season by bargain bin shopping. And as that continued to happen throughout December, it was becoming clear that Bad Guy was the Odd Guy out.

Ultimately, it came down to some players underperforming when he needed them most. James Cook couldn't get the burners going, quitting cold turkey. And Travis Etienne wasn't doing any Etiing either. Tua and Dak both met projections, but didn't blow them out of the water. And I've run out of Taylor Swift puns for Travis Kelce. The dude is just old. It's sad to see, especially considering what fucking sore losers those guys have been (shoutout Katie Paw who I kicked out of this league in 2020 for being such a prickly Chiefs fan...hope she enjoyed her ten second dynasty).

To make matter worse, Glorio refused to relent on the injuries. DJ Moore played DJ Poorly after an early injury. Michael Pittman didn't play. Zach Moss didn't play. It just wasn't looking good for the bad guy.

So we say goodbye to the dude who made a name for himself by thinking he should get a freebie because Joe Burrow got hurt mid game after successfully leading a TD drive. But better than that, he doubled down on refusing to believe in the one true Fantasy God, Glorio Destroyer of Worlds.

For that I say...thank you. There are two things I cannot stand in fantasy leagues: not setting your lineup, and not having fun with the other managers. So I am grateful that Scotty introduced this dude to the league. None of us know who he is. Hell, he may not even exist, he could just be a Billy Jean Ride or Die alter-ego or an A.I. designed to run a fantasy team. Don't care. All I know is there is nothing better than a fantasy manager you love to hate and I want this robot/burner account/bad guy back next year. Just a heads up, it sucks to do this well and then get bounced in the opening week but it does happen so be prepared for that...and until then...

Bad Guy (Headless Horsemen):

## Dead Money

Keeping track of all the cash that never got spent by teams that are now eliminated.

Dead Money 2023

$6 more added to the graveyard.

## Week Seventeen Bidding Results

Week Seventeen Bidding Results
 Travis Kelce
 James Cook
 Cleveland Defense

### Quick-Hit Thoughts

* Both teams have "league winners" but it wil be interesting to see if Commish not going after Tyreek or CeeDee will be his downfall.
* MIssing out on both Hurts and Allen the week before, Commish took a big swing on Dak.
* Obi-Wan opted not to put it all on Prescott and instead aimed for Travis Kelce, having lost TJ Hockenson to an ACL injury.

## Excessive Spend

Excessive spend is anything over a single dollar more than the next highest bid for the player you won, and does not take into account the talent level or value of the player.

## How it Started/How it's Going

So it comes down to this. A former champion facing off against the Commish. Both teams came into the year with the same strategy. The Middle of the Pack Squad lurked in mediocrity all year, surviving at times thanks to a single Monday night bail out performance or a last minute choke job by another team. Like most fantasy championship runs, they relied a little bit on luck, a little on strategy, and a little bit on other people fucking up. When it got down to it, they could not be knocked off in time for them to start spending their massive cash reserves, at which point they became the bullies on the block and knocked off the powerhouses one by one. Muller lite, Jeff Probst, Bad Boys, and Monty's Python went down. Some of those teams were playing so much better than Obi-Wan and Henry that it took two weeks before they even caught up in total season points scored.

But all that matters is that you survive, and these two went the distance. Obi is heavily favored in the final round, but with players this good the projections are too volatile to be believed. It should be a great final showdown.

As is tradition for the final writeup of the season, we take a look at the two championship teams, comparing their week 1 rosters to their championship week rosters (preliminary of course).

### 1. Henry VIII (3,252.05 Points)

Starting two Jet WRs should have never been a good idea, even with Rodgers at the helm. Upgrading to Addison to Jefferson is an obvious stand-out, and Brock Purdy would have also made this cut if not for a stinger injury and four INT performance, though he still could end up in the final roster. The drafting of Lamar Jackson was the key to success for Commish as he often needed huge game from him to survive early days.

### 2. Obi-Wan Mahomie (3,180.11 Points)

Similar to the Addison/Jefferson glow up, Obi obgraded from Waddle to Tyreek. It's also astonishing that Mahomes will ride the bine in the final week. The RB is an insane upgrade from the opening day, and as bad as Henry's starting roster was it is really amazing this team survived the starter gun.

## Narrow Defeats

Margin of Defeat for Last Place Teams:

not close.

## Unique Players Started

How many unique players (Defense included) were started by each team. The table can be sorted by players and also by week eliminated.

45, including 8 defenses and five players who are currently on IR...makes you think. .

## Rulers of the Kingdom

2023 first place finishers:

The man is hot.

## Dungeon Dwellers

2023 teams that finished second-to-last, narrowly avoiding elimination:

No real room to be anything else at this point.

## Single Season Scoring Records

As teams get eliminated, their single season performance will appear here. Bolded lines indicate performances from the current season.

Granted it's only the third year with 17 games, but top ten in your first season aint half bad.

## All-Time Combined Points Scored

Same as above: eliminated teams will have their 2023 season added to the total. Bolded lines indicate that the record has been updated through 2023.

An average score to be envious of...

## Conclusion

Maybe it was my positive outlook or actually surviving to the end, but this felt like one of the better seasons of Headhunters. No gimmicks, no double-eliminations, no bull shit. Just good fantasy play and good, fun managers who all got along but also wanted to beat the shit out of each other. To anybody still reading these, thanks for playing and all ready scheming for next year.

Until next time...COMMISH OUT.