252: The Pied Piper of Puppetry

## Summary

At the university, Dean Kellerman reveals that the university is suffering from financial problems and the group begin brain-storming ways to revive it to it's former glory. Ideas include new and "exciting" degree courses, bake sales, winning the Grand Staircase Footrace and dealing with the troublesome Sooty Gang, who have been plaguing students. By way of thanking them for their help, the dean offers to perform a puppet show for them and everyone is shocked when the puppet he uses is Batthwack's Strahd puppet, which had been stolen by Ricardo Ulysses in the airship.

## Synopsis

Dean Kellerman leads the party through Tinkertown, heading south on a fairly main street. Eventually they come to a square paved with bricks, surrounded by a wrought iron fence. The gate is open and in the centre stands a huge brick building: Beartoggle University. Ivy grows up the sides of the building, unkempt and slightly in need of some pruning. The top of the building has a white bell tower with a gold cupula, gleaming in the sun. The dean strides across the square to the building itself and everyone follows him through the door.

Inside, they're immediately struck by how dark and dank it is. Guttering lanterns light the Central Hall that they find themselves in. There's a small door in front of them, either side of which a set of double staircases lead up to a second storey above. There are also doors to the right and left, leading to wings heading off in each direction. They don't see many people here. The dean says *"Welcome, welcome, to the Beartoggle University!"*

Batthwack asks where all the students are and the dean says he's not really sure. Will begins to get his usual sinking feeling, like they're walking into another death trap, but doesn't get any sense that this guy is lying. Instead he just thinks the dean's nervous for some reason. Gwen asks where the culinary classes are and is told they're down in the wing on the right side of the building. He says the economics classes are in the wing on the left and puppetry is upstairs. Will looks around for any signs of the history of this place, paintings of the founders for example, but can't see anything.

The dean suggests they meet in his office. Will's nervous about that. The dean asks if anyone's hungry, offering them some of the produce from their culinary division. Gwen says she'd love to try it and would be happy to offer any advice.

The dean leads them through the small door between the two staircases and into in a relatively large, but bare office. There's a desk at the back of the room with a chair behind it. There are no other chairs and although the walls are lined with bookshelves, they are mostly bare. This is not improving Will's mood and he opts to linger at the doorway instead of going in. Batthwack asks where all his books are, did he donate them to the library? The dean asks them to come in and close the door. Will waves cheerily at the others, *"Good luck!"* and begins closing the door, with himself on the outside. Sheemie stops him and asks why he's not coming in. Raphina explains that the last time they were invited into an office, they got locked in and it *"didn't turn out too well."* Raphina too is slightly confused about the state of the university. It wasn't at all like this when she studied here. She remembers it being bustling and bright and cheery and the dean's office was packed full of things and very comfortable.

Raphina suddenly yells in pain and pretends she's stubbed her toe, hoping that Will'll come in to help her. Will tells Batthwack to heal her, but he says that Raphina apparently needs medicine that only Will has. *"You guys are horrible liars. Do I need to come in here? What's going on?"* says Will. The dean says that nothing untoward is going on, he just wants to talk to them in private. Will casts *Detect Thoughts,* discerning that the dean is wondering if he can trust the party. This slightly placates Will, who comes in, but leaves the door open a crack.

The dean tells them that the university is having financial difficulties and is essentially broke. *"Enrolment is down, our funding is hard to come by. We've had quite a few setbacks."* He tells them that the Sooty Gang are a problem, harassing students at the entrance, stealing things, assaulting people. He also mentions that "fancy" schools in Carnivar have been head-hunting some of the young talent in Beartoggle, who've been leaving town and going there. He also tells them that there was a rumour circulating that students might catch some kind of disease if they attended the university. He's quick to reassure them that no disease exists, but two students had died in an accident. Will immediately begins *Prestidigitating* all around himself. The dean is vague on the specifics, saying it was an economics related accident. He says the students were talking about the importance of gold in the economy, which became a debate about the weight of gold and ultimately two students were tragically crushed. *"That's the way to die, I guess"* says Will.

The dean tells them that they've been considering starting up a new degree programme, but need suggestions for what the subject should be. Raphina suggests forensics, *"like a detective degree. I would want to do that."* Gwen suggests a fighting degree. *"Learning how to battle, like self-defence. How to protect people and protect yourself"* she says. She continues, *"Or a managerial degree, to lead people and lead an army."* Will suggests they need to find their unique selling point, something that Carnivar can't offer. The dean says that the Carnivar schools offer programmes in the mystic arts, how to levitate and become invisible, things like that. He says they can't compete with that; they deal in more practical subjects here, *"things you can get your hands around"* he says, seeming to get a bit irritated by the idea of teaching magic.

Batthwack asks what they can do to help. The dean says funding is really what they need because all their classes are free. They've thrived on people supporting the university because of the work they do, but it's stopped working for some reason. Gwen suggests a fund-raising bake sale and Raphina adds that they could sell their wares at the Grand Staircase race. Will says that they need to get better at marketing themselves and asks the dean what he actually does. He says he started out as a puppetry professor and took over the job when the previous dean died, saying *"It's been a long time."* Gwen wonders if they offered pole-dancing classes, maybe that would pique people's interest. Will thinks this is genius; you could charge people to take the classes and charge people who just want to watch! You could get paid twice! The dean doesn't want to lose the puppetry, so Raphina suggests using the puppets to demonstrate the stripping. Will begins brain-storming new names for the university, *"Sticky bricks... sticky licks?"* *"Licky bits!"* offers Raphina.

The dean is hesitant about this idea, and really wants the university to be accessible to all, so being free is really important. He has to admit though that if the alternative is no university at all, then perhaps it is something to reconsider. He says that previous alumni have made donations and Will asks, *"Do you have any famous alumni or any wealthy alumni that we can get to come to the strip club... I mean, university?"* The dean thinks there could be some people he could think of to get involved.

Suddenly fearing that the dean might be the only member of staff here, Will asks who else works at the university. The dean says they have a few puppetry professors and a culinary teacher. Will's amazed that puppetry is so popular as to need several professors. Raphina says it's very lucrative in Beartoggle and the dean agrees, saying that there's a few puppet theatres in the Scarlet Market. Will says *"What do you want us to do? Go kill the gang? That's the kind of shit I do."* The dean says he'd be very grateful for that, and maybe they could also see if there's anyone out there who could teach their new classes. Will is suddenly put in mind of Tess from back up the river in Morrow's Inlet.

Batthwack suddenly pipes up, *"What if we won the race, somehow? How much money is that is that?"* The dean says he thinks it's a lot and anything would help; they're having to sell the paintings off the walls. Feeling sorry for him, Gwen offers him a sticky brick, and he tucks in, and seems to enjoy it. Will asks how big the gang is, but the dean really isn't sure, but hazards a guess at *"probably a few dozen of them."* Gwen reassures him that he might be surprised what they're capable of. The dean winks at her. *"Same here. You've not seen my puppetry."*

Will says that perhaps they're owed a puppet show, if they're going to help out. The dean agrees and says he's been excited to show off a new puppet. Raphina's very eager and Batthwack sits down on the floor, ready for the show. The dean goes behind his desk and goes into one of the drawers, pulling out a marionette. To everyone's surprise, they immediately recognise Batthwack's Strahd puppet, or at least one that looks identical. Batthwack calls out *"That's mine! Did you... Did you make that?"* The dean says he bought it at a shop in Highground a few days ago. Batthwack tells him that Ricardo Ulysses stole a puppet just like that from him recently. The dean doesn't hesitate before offering the puppet to him, but Batthwack refuses, saying that the last time he tried to use it, it got set on fire. He'd like to see what a professional could do with it.

The dean asks them to suggest a scene to perform for them. All at once, Will shouts *"Shopping for groceries!"* and Raphina shouts *"Bottom of the sea!"* The dean doesn't seem phased in the slightest by this, saying *"Shopping for groceries on the bottom of the sea. Very good."* He cracks his knuckles and very delicately grasps the puppet's cross piece and using his desk as a stage, he begins walking the puppet among it. The dean clearly knows what he's doing. The puppet really looks like someone who's walking on the bottom of the ocean. The puppet scratches it's chin and looks up at an imaginary shelf. Doing the voice of the puppet, he says *"Hm, I think I'm in the mood for seafood tonight"* and a whole scene is played out before them in which the puppet realises he has no money and breaks down in tears.

Everyone's very impressed and the dean blushes at their compliments. He holds the puppet out to Batthwack and says *"Here. I certainly would not want to take something that was stolen from somebody else. This is certainly your property."* Batthwack refuses, saying he'd like the dean to have it; this would be a good home for it.

The dean says he'll get to work on the marketing for the university and Will adds that the building could also use some work in order to draw people in. Gwen again suggests that dealing with the Sooty Gang could help and the dean agrees, saying that with the gang sometimes hanging around here, people don't want to come near the university at the moment.

Will asks who would know anything about the gang and the dean tells them that the city watch probably would. He says that the guard station in Highground is probably open, *"A lot of money over there"* he says, and they could ask around in the *"shady back alleys"* of The Warrens for info, as that's where he guesses they're based. He also says that the east side of Highground is *" a little seedier,"* so that could be a good place to look.

Will asks how long ago the problems started, but the dean explains that it was a gradual thing. He says that for a long time Beartoggle University was one of the crowning jewels of the city. He thanks them for their help, saying he's really interested in their new class idea. He just needs someone to teach it.

Will admonishes Gwen for offering to help all the time. *"That's the right thing to do!"* she says. *"Not the fun thing to do"* replies Will. Raphina and Gwen both point out that they've never seen Will having fun. Then Raphina is suddenly reminded of their dance together in Norton *"Just once"* she says with a far away look. Will remembers, and says that's just what he's talking about, but not now. *"We gotta kill a bunch of gangs or something. What am I doing with my life? I want to go back to Tivoli."* Gwen asks the dean if he's heard of the city, but he hasn't. He hasn't heard of gnomes either.

Raphina suddenly calls out another idea: teaching courses on how to pilot airships! The dean is sceptical; it sounds expensive, but Will points out that it depends how good you want the class to be. *"Make people think that they're learning how to fly an airship. Then when they graduate, it's not your problem anymore."* The dean says perhaps he'll keep that idea in reserve. He's worried about the public liability and admits that they don't have insurance any more; it's too expensive. Will offers to help them fudge the paperwork to show they have insurance. Raphina suggests he could teach contractual law.

Will suddenly feels conscious about the fact that young Sheemie is there. The 14-year-old asks if he should learn how to strip and everyone immediately shuts that idea down. Will tells him he needs to learn some proper life skills. Something is triggered in Raphina's brain and she suggests they try and get the Sooty Gang to enrol as students in the university. With immense effort, Will tries to force himself to sound enthusiastic about the idea of a load of criminals taking puppetry classes and learning how to cook soufflés, but he just comes off as sounding constipated.

Eventually, the dean ushers them out of his office and back outside, before heading back in himself. It's around 4 o'clock in the afternoon. The expanse of the city is laid out before them. Dear readers, where will they venture next?

## Trivia

* The episode title came from Alex. The party's discussion with the dean having gone on for quite long enough, Eric suddenly cuts it short with a very clever piece of narrative trickery: *"And eventually, somehow, it happens so that he ushers you out of his office in a nice way."* KT: *"Oh, okay!""* Eric: *"Yup. He retreats back in to work on... something."* KT: *"To lock the door and never see us again!"* Alex: *"The Pied Piper of Puppetry!"*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: matchless.

## References

1. ↑ See episode 220: Turtles Are Highly Flammable
2. ↑ Abby forgot that she mentioned Raphina's degree in episode 238: Use Grapefruit Spoon! *"I feel like I should make a joke about how I thought it was a degree in mnemonics because I have trouble remembering things and accidentally ended up with a degree in economics and immediately forgot it."*
3. ↑ See episode 168: My Eyeball Is Registered With the FAA
4. ↑ See episode 30: You Glued My Doll?
5. ↑ See episode 173: Why Can't Mommy and Daddy Just Talk to Each Other?!