CMV: Artemis sings Oh, Santa!

## Transcript:

**The Announcer**: And now it's time for Silly Songs with Artemis, the part of the show where Artemis comes out and sings a Silly Song. It's Christmas Eve, and Artemis is anxiously awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus with a plate of cookies.

**Artemis**: *Oh, Santa! I can't wait for you to come, I just can't wait for you to come, and I've got cookies! Three yummy cookies! Just for you for when you come, only for you for when you come ... because it's Christmas!*

(*knocks three times*)

**Artemis**: *Could that be Santa? Could that be him? Could it be the one who brings presents for a cucumber like me, a good cucumber like me?*

(*Larry opens the door.*)

**The Announcer**: Artemis is surprised to be greeted not by Santa, but a crafty bank robber.

**Artemis**: Who are you?

**Bank robber (Fat Cat)**: *I'm a bank robber! And I've come to rob your bank, oh yes! I've come to rob your bank, and I've come to take your dimes and swipe your nickels.* So stand back, step aside you silly pickle! And let me in. (*Barges in and looks around.*)

**The Announcer**: Although frightened by the intruder, in the spirit of Christmas Artemis makes an offering.

*(Artemis closes the door.)*

**Artemis**: *I'm not a banker ... I have no bank my robbing friend, but I have cookies--three yummy cookies. And I don't have nickels, but please take this my robbing friend. Eat one of these my robbing friend. They are for Santa, but you may have one!* (*He takes out his plate of cookies and gives one to the bank robber.*)

**The Announcer**: The bank robber is truly touched by Artemis' good will. But Artemis, although momentarily distracted, is still excited about seeing Santa.

**Artemis**: *Oh, Santa! I can't wait for you to come, I just can't wait for you to come, and I've got cookies! Two yummy cookies! Just for you for when you come, only for you for when you come ... because it's Christmas!*

**Bank robber**: (*simultaneously*) *I'm a robber! I came to rob your bank, oh yes! I came to rob your bank ... you shared a cookie--a yummy cookie. Though I'd love to take your dimes, perhaps another time ... because it's Christmas!*

(*knocks three times*)

**Artemis**: *Could that be Santa? Could that be him? Could it be the one who brings presents for a cucumber like me, a good cucumber like me?*

(*Artemis opens the door, which slams harshly against the bank robber.*)

**Narrator**: Once again, it is not Santa who has come to Artemis's door, but this time a savage Norseman.

**Artemis**: (surprised) Who are you?

**Viking (Dongwa Miao)**: *I'm a viking! And I've come to take your land, oh yes! I've come to take your land, and I've come to burn your crops and steal your horses. And I've come to ... step on your chickens!* And soil your quilts! Oy, oy... (*He barges in.*)

**The Announcer**: Although frightened by the intruder, in the spirit of Christmas Artemis makes an offering.

*(Artemis closes the door, which causes the bank robber to tumble to the floor.)*

**Artemis**: *I don't have land ... I don't have crops, my viking friend, but I have cookies--two yummy cookies. And I don't have horses, but please take this my viking friend. Eat one of these my viking friend. They are for Santa, but you may have one!* (*He takes out his plate of cookies and gives one to the viking.*)

**Narrator**: The viking is also touched by Artemis' good will. But Larry's thoughts are still with Santa.

**Artemis**: *Oh, Santa! I can't wait for you to come, I just can't wait for you to come, I've got a cookie! A yummy cookie! Just for you for when you come, oh me, for you for when you come ... because it's Christmas!*

**Viking**: (*simultaneously*) *I'm a viking! I came to take your land, oh yes! I came to take your land ... you shared a cookie--a yummy cookie. Though I'd love to soil your quilts, I don't think that I wilt ... because it's Christmas!*

(*knocks three times*)

**Artemis**: *Could that be Santa? Could that be him? Could it be the one who brings presents for a cucumber like me, a good cucumber like me?*

(*Artemis opens the door, which once again slams harshly against the bank robber.*)

**The Announcer**: Larry is greeted now by an agent of the Internal Revenue Service.

**Artemis**: Who are you?

**McWolf**: I'm from the IRS! And I've come to tax your-

(*Artemis slams the door in the agent's face, and gives an evil grin to the audience.*)

**Artemis**: *Oh, Santa! I can't wait for you to come, I just can't wait for you to come...*

(*Santa finally comes through the chimney.*)

**Artemis**: *It's finally Santa! It's finally him! At last, the one who brings presents for a cucumber like me, a good cucumber like me!*

**Santa (Thomas O'Malley)**: *I'm Santa! And I've come to bring you gifts, oh yes! I've come to bring you gifts, and I've come to stuff your stockings--oh ho-ho-ho! And I've come to jiggle my belly, and wiggle my...nose...* (*He turns around and looks at the bank robber, who is wearing a very familiar hat, and the viking, whose shield has a very familiar belt. The bank robber is slowly opening the door to leave.*) Hey, wait a minute! Isn't that my belt?! And what are you doing with my hat?! (*gasp*) So you're the ones!

**Bank robber**: Wait a minute, I can explain!

**Viking**: We've changed!

**Santa**: Nobody messes with Santa! You know that don't you?! You've been very naughty, and I've got a list!! *(He chases the bankrobber and the viking out the door.)*

(*McWolf comes back in and sees the last cookie on Artemis' plate.*)

**McWolf**: Did you claim that?

(*Artemis shakes his head no, as McWolf grabs the cookie and carries it away in his mouth.*)

**Artemis**: Merry...Christmas!

(*Artemis looks at the camera and smiles as the song ends.*)

## Notes:

* Dedicated to The VeggieTales Show: The Best Christmas Gift