Transcript of "Head in the Men's Room"

Characters:

* Lucretia Saint-Saëns
* Arty "Effegium" Mattrick

[Transcript Begins]

**Lucretia:**Cold, isn't it? Cold as stone, cold as death... We say that death is cold, but I suppose it's hard to know, unless you've been there. My daddy says it ain't so bad. Make a call on the ouija board someday, if you like, and ask. Can't guarantee an answer, though. Might not be too well-received. You're listening to KFAL, Barcelona midnight radio. Starting things off a little different, now, and- Ah! Looks like we've got a caller. Mind you manners, baby. You're on the air.

**Arty:**Hello? [Taps on microphone] Hello?

**Lucretia:**Arty...

**Arty:**He- I know you can hear me, I just like tapping the microphone-

**Lucretia:**Baby. Are you calling-

**Arty:**Yeah, I'm on my phone.

**Lucretia:**Are you calling from work?

**Arty:**I'm a busy man, Luke, I can't just- I can't just be waltzing away from the counter-

**Lucretia:**Baby, I'm working, come on...

**Arty:**Right. Uh... Time slot. Fair enough. Uhhh... Hello, uh, town. I'm here to announce that, uh, to the person who left their very lovely silky jacket at the bar, it is currently SOAKED in river water. I mean, just absolutely friggin' drenched. The smell is.... horrendous, I- Funny story! I left it to dry, for about... uh, lemme check my watch... [clicks tongue] three days-

**Lucretia:**Oh my god...

**Arty:**-and it- it's kind of impressive, really. It's still dripping! I think it may be stuck like that! Now, [clears throat] now, disclaimer: no one can prove that you didn't leave it at Solemn Umbra like that. In fact, uh, if you try and shake me down for this, who's to say you don't owe me for the warping that the water's done to my floors and getting the smell out of the chair that someone- uh, not pointing fingers- uh, draped it across!

**Lucretia:**Aww, don't keep that nasty old thing, baby, you don't know where it's been-

**Arty:**It is a nice jacket, Luke, I- I'd be missing it if I lost it.

**Lucretia:**Throw it away. What song do you want, Arty?

**Arty:**Ahright, um... [clicks tongue] Surprise me. And by "surprise me," I mean by playing- am I- am I still banned from playing "Heir to the-

**Lucretia:**If you get me fined, you're paying for it-

**Arty:**Okay, okay, rude but fair. Um, surprise me by playing, uh, "Five Minutes" by The Altogether, starting from a random point.

**Lucretia:**I-

**Arty:**Of your choosing.

**Lucretia:**I'm starting at the start, Arty.

**Arty:**I mean... it can, but- Don't you think the beginning- playing a song from the beginning is kind of-

**Lucretia:**[sighs] Thank you, baby.

**Arty:**Okay. Well, that's what I get for offering.

**Lucretia:**I'll play your song for you now.

**Arty:**Thanks, La-la-lukesy, I'll see you after, and uhhhh- [he is cut off]

**Lucretia:**Yeah, yeah, very good now. Mwah! Talk to you later, baby. That was the wife. Love that man.

[The Altogether, "Five Minutes"]

**Lucretia:**Winter shouldn't seem too long, when you've got your whole life ahead of you. But a single walk home might last damn near an eternity. Gotta have something to keep you warm, pass the time... or a five-minute trip could last the rest of your life.

[Neil Young, "Cinnamon Girl"]

[Suspiria, "The Frozen Ones"]

[Ludo, "Go-Getter Greg"]

[Ghost, "Mary on a Cross"]

[Wovenhand, "Sparrow Falls"]

**Lucretia:**That evil thing crawling up your skin might not just be the cold. And that thing that you saw reflected in the water might not be a face that you know. Hold each other tightly, now, and stay warm. See y'all next time.

[Transcript End]

[Audio Link ]