Lending Softer Ears

## Content Information

Rhys threw the door to his single open, letting it slam closed behind him without a thought about it. They headed straight for the bathroom, vision swimming.

What the fuck did he just do? Most of it was mashing together in his head, hazy and visceral. Fucking Jack- kissing selene, crying. Telling Selene he *loved* her. How soft and warm she was in his arms, telling them that she-- she has feelings for them too. Then how cold and biting. And the things he said…

Sure Lavish was a fucking mess of a person. Didi didn’t seem much better. But just because he didn’t like them--thought she deserved better-- didn’t mean she couldn’t have feelings for whoever she wanted. That was such a simple and honest truth. So why…why did it burn so much? It was like a strange feeling itching on his skin, spreading, branching into his insides, twisting him. He’d have *never* said those kinds of things to anyone. Never.

Just thinking about it--well, he already felt sick. After throwing up, something he hadn’t done since his first week as a vampire, his head finally started to make sense again. His vision cleared, the haze lifting. But the feeling of wrongness didn’t leave him.

They really did those things. Said those things-- in real life. And now...Selene probably hated them. He would too.

He couldn’t help tearing up, barely stable on his feet as he pressed back through the bathroom door, sniffling pathetically. He’d ruined everything.

“Don't think your essay sucks that much,” Colby said dryly, floating through the bathroom door, before leaning against it.

They hadn’t been doing much before this, really. Just watching Netflix on Rhys’ computer to pass the time. Sure they wanted to watch over him but, even Rhys didn’t need supervision while writing a paper. Rhys was the most studious and boring person Colby knew. He’d want to get in to the library, find some hidden corner where he wouldn’t be disturbed, and write.

Except then he comes home sobbing and not weighed down by books, so. Something was up. It was Colby’s due diligence to check on them. Right?

They didn’t really know how to actually do the ‘comforting someone who’s upset’ thing.

Rhys would have jumped if he wasn’t already so out of it. It was beyond his wildest dreams to be sharing a space with Colby, but since he was a ghost...it was kind of easy to forget he was around sometimes. He sniffled, wiping his eyes. Even if Colby never was good at being comforting, his familiar presence immediately made Rhys feel like the weight on his shoulders grew lighter.

“I didn’t get it done,” Rhys said, miserable. His eyes watered back up and his throat swelled at remembering again, everything that’d just happened. “I-- I don’t even know where to start,” he sobbed, looking up at Colby with blood red, pleading eyes.

“With your essay?” they asked, confused. Like okay, sure, Rhys was a nerd who cared about school and actually wanted to get good grades and shit. But this was a little far. Even for them. Rhys doesn’t sob about not knowing how to write an essay.

Colby moved closer to Rhys, before sitting cross-legged in front of him, on the floor. “Like, I’ve said it before dude, one midterm isn’t going to kill your GPA.”

Rhys laughed, just a little, a small smile pulling at his lips despite everything. He knew he wasn’t making any sense, and hearing Colby try-- seeing them sit with him and talk in that ever so slightly patient voice they unknowingly use with him when he’s upset...he missed it. It made the feeling crawling on his skin fade. For a moment.

“Not the essay,” he swallowed, stifling his cries. “Something- happened. It’s all- all a mess.” His stomach churned thinking about saying it all out loud. These weren’t middle school problems anymore.

“I-- I think somethings happening to me,” he confessed after a moment. He couldn’t hide how his voice trembled just a little. “Something...bad. At the library-- Selene was there. I...said some things to her. Things I don’t think *I’d* ever say..but I did.”

Colby sighed, but the answer seemed kinda obvious, as vague as Rhys was being. Though if Colby was honest…. There was something about Selene that seemed off. Even after their *talk* Colby still didn’t trust her with Rhys.

“So then apologize, dude. Make it up to her,” Colby paused. “If you want to try and fix it.”

Who knows, maybe he didn’t. Even though he was sobbing on the bathroom floor because of whatever he did.

“I dunno what you said, Rhy,” they said after a moment, their voice softening slightly, almost imperceptibly to someone who didn’t know them well. They tried to make their hand solid-feeling as they placed it on Rhys’ knee. “Maybe whatever it was is true. Maybe it’s how you feel.”

Colby sighed and scrubbed his other hand through his hair. “Maybe that’s not a bad thing?”

“It’s-- it’s a bad thing, I don’t feel that way,” Rhys said nearly defensively, looking small. “I’ll apologize but she- she probably never wants to talk to me again. I crossed the line-- I--“

He braced himself for a moment before spilling it, staring hard at the ground, trying his best not to cry through it. How he told her he loved her. And then- how he tried to tell her she deserved better than someone like Lavish. Except it only came out in all the wrong ways possible. So, so, so wrong.

He reached for Colby’s hand for support. In honesty he wanted nothing more than to collapse into their arms, but even though their hand felt so solid on his knee, his hand passed right through. It felt ironic to talk about his feelings for Selene when he’d never been able to talk about his feelings for them. Underneath it all he wondered if Colby hated him, too.

“You…. love…. her….” Colby said slowly. He didn’t know why it twisted in his gut like a knife. Why it made his chest tighten and burn. Like sure, he knew Rhys had a crush on Selene. Sure he knew that they were having sex. But *love?*

That felt like a lot, even for Rhys. And then, well, those other things he said. That definitely didn’t sound like the Rhys they knew. There was no point in sugar-coating it.

“Yeah, Rhy, you fucked up. Figures. I’m sure she’ll let you back in if you lick her boots enough. Not that being a Hellfire seems so great anyway.”

What did they tell her, Rhys was full of surprises. They maybe weren’t immune to Selene’s charms, but they sure as hell were more wary of them than Rhys. And Colby knew just how easy it was to push him into exactly the right shape; to get Rhys to do whatever you wanted was so, so tempting. Colby’s taken advantage of it more than they’d like to admit.

Colby sighed. They looked at Rhys seriously and, for the briefest of moments, soft. “What do you *want* Rhys? Perfect world. Today never happened. What do you want from her?”

Colby swallowed, for some reason a little terrified of the answer.

Rhys flushed. “In a...perfect world?” His heart squeezed. It felt like Colby was asking more than that-- but maybe that was just wishful thinking.

He looked away from them. He didn’t know, honestly. Selene was kind, amazing, the perfect kind of person really. It was obvious she really cared about everyone, but also had the backbone to protect them. Maybe he just wished he was more like her. It was nice to be cared for, no one had ever really wanted to take care of him before.

Was that love? It didn’t really seem like it. Still, hearing Selene say she had feelings for *him* made his heart flutter. But maybe that too was because he’d never heard it before. Sure the sex was good too, for what it was worth. Selene’s touch was soft but firm, and perfect. But that wasn’t really the important part. It was just-- eating.

For some reason the thought that was the loudest in his head was simply that in a perfect world...Colby wouldn’t be dead. And that they’d...

“I don’t know,” he said finally. “I...I care about her. I don’t need anything back. I don’t know if I *want* anything back. Even if I said all that...She’s nice- she’s cool. I just…” Rhys sniffled, thumbing a tear away. “I don’t know, Col. It’s all...messy now.”

Colby laughed, half because of course that’s what Rhys wanted, half out of relief. It was sharp and sudden, cracking across the quiet space between them. He nudged Rhys’ knee, hand passing through their jeans with a shiver.

“Yeah, no shit, dumbass. You just insulted your not-girlfriend after telling her you fucking loved her. Jesus, Rhy. I didn’t know getting high would turn you into a bigger idiot. I thought it might make you more fun.”

He exhaled, leaning back, and stretching out his legs. They passed through Rhys, in a bizarre approximation of resting in his lap.

But Colby still looked at Rhys a little concerned. When he came back, he had looked terrified. When he explained, even Colby could tell there was guilt pouring off of him. The things Rhys had said…

They sighed. “You know, you don’t have to fuck up like I do,” they said finally, after a long quiet moment.

Rhys couldn’t help stop crying on instinct, hearing Colby laugh and look so-- calm and casual. How they just took everything so easy. It was familiar and warm, even if Colby was really not great at this, it was just what he always needed in a way.

But Rhys had *never* heard him say something like he’d messed up. The sudden vulnerability caught him off guard. It also made his heart flip in a way he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt before. “What do you mean?” He asked innocently, in genuine concern.

Colby gave him a look. They couldn’t be that dense.

“I’m a dick Rhy. Sure you stick around but no one else does. And I don’t want them to. That’s the whole point. I don’t want—“

Colby stopped, choking up before they could admit it. It was like they couldn’t get the words to come out, could barely admit it to themself.

*I don’t want anyone to leave me again.*

“I— don’t want friends,” Colby managed after a moment. They looked down at Rhys, hoping they didn’t have to say that he was the exception. That he always had been.

Rhys softened. Of course he’d always known. But Colby was special- even if he was blunt or mean or whatever. He knew that despite everything, Colby deep down meant the opposite of everything he said. At least, that’s what Rhys was convinced of. And even if no one else would, Rhys would always stay by his side as long as he could. It was surprising to hear Colby say anything about it, but the fact melted his heart a little. Stirred up old feelings that maybe were better forgotten.

“You’re not good with words at all, yeah,” Rhys said softly. “And you say things you don’t mean. You push people away. You hurt people but...If you really liked all that you wouldn’t look so sad when you did it, Col.” Rhys reached feebly for his hand, tender and soft. Even if he couldn’t touch them, he tried anyway.

“I don’t think I’m trying to emulate you. I wouldn’t be as cool as you in a million years. But- despite everything C, you’ve always been my favorite person. You still are. You’ll always be,” Rhys sniffled. It was the closest he could get to a confession, sort of. Saying all that made him feel like himself again. It made sense that Colby would be his anchor. They’d always been. He’d have to apologize like he’d never done in his life to Selene. Things would probably be okay. Whatever it was had passed, and right now, he just needed to be himself for Colby. And that felt right.

“Yeah,” Colby said, swallowing. Somehow Rhys always saw right through him. It was scary. It made his stomach flip, every time. “And you’re an idiot for it.”

He nudged their shoulder. “But you’re my idiot. And if something about her makes you lose yourself…”

Colby trailed off. They wanted to give him a warning. They wanted to… say Selene was going to be bad for him. Going to break his heart. That the way to become independent wasn’t to go straight into her arms.

But as bad as Colby was at knowing how to be comforting, they knew that would probably go over poorly.

“Just be careful, Rhys. You should know who you want.”

Rhys flushed hard. If he didn’t know any better, the things Colby was saying… But he did know better. He smiled, soft, cheered up.

“You’re right… And maybe I should give the both of us some space. I’m sure she won’t want to see me immediately anyways…” He sunk a little.

“Thanks, Col,” he said soft. Warm. Just being with them made him feel so much better...now he was thinking other weird thoughts. He did know who he wanted. But it wasn’t that easy. “I’ll be careful.”

“Yeah, and you can always… talk to me,” Colby said, a little awkwardly. “About anything.”

They hoped Rhys got all the subtext there. I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to make up for everything. I’m trying to become a better person. But it was so hard. They kept getting choked up. They never knew what to say.

Especially now. Rhys always made him feel so protective, and he couldn’t tell if it was jealousy or what.

Colby reached across, getting close to Rhys. Their faces were inches from each other. Colby cursed being invisible, transparent, dead. They were trying to be better.

So they closed their eyes, tried to remember what having a body felt like, the weight of their limbs, the heat, the solidity, and tried to give Rhys a hug.

Rhys teared up again. He could count the number of times Colby had given him a hug on one hand, and made sure he remembered them all. He desperately wrapped his arms around them back- but they passed right through, leaving his arms chilled.

So he settled for being hugged instead. “I’ve always talked to you when I needed to!” Rhys mumbled in protest. “I already know I can talk to you about anything. You’re the only one who makes me feel that way,” he said quietly.

“I’m really glad you're here,” Rhys nearly whispered, soft and a little sad. He wished Colby would hold him tighter. It wasn’t fair.

“Yeah,” Colby said, even if they had the distinct impression there was something Rhys wasn’t telling them. Something he kept talking around.

Colby wished they could just spit it out.

They sighed, and pulled back after a moment, watching Rhys instinctively chase them, seeking their touch.

“You know, I think I am too,” Colby said, soft enough that Rhys could barely hear. “I am too.”