Amber vs. Snipowitz/Quotes

**General**
**Trivia**
**Appearances**
**Images**
Quotes

*(Dimmsdale High School; Harry is practicing playing dodgeball with his classmates while their gym teacher, Kristen Tennyson watches)*
**Kristen:** Okay, everyone. I hope you've got the basics of dodgeball down. Harry, it's your turn.
**Harry:** I have a feeling this will hurt all of you...not too badly, I hope.
**Kristen:** Play ball!
**Seamus:** Here goes nothing...
*(Harry throws the dodgeball at his classmates; the dodgeball bounces around the gym class and hits his classmates one by one, until it hits Joseph and Seamus; the ball keeps bouncing around)*
**Kristen:** Wow, Harry, that was a great throw! You students need to follow his example if you want to be good gym students.
**Harry:** Well, it's nothing, really, Mrs. Tennyson. I've been practicing a lot.
*(the dodgeball from before hits Harry in the arm and dislocating it; Harry yells in pain and keels over)*
**Seamus:** What's wrong, Harry?
**Harry:** I think I might've dislocated my arm! Can you take me to a doctor?
**Kristen:** Of course, I can. Until your arm heals, you're dismissed from gym class. We have a special doctor waiting for you.

*(the doctor's office)*
**Dr. Snipowitz:** Good day, I'm Dr. Anton Snipowitz. I've been appointed to be a doctor at Dimmsdale High School for a while.
**Harry:** Didn't you use to be a veterinarian?
**Dr. Snipowitz:** I was a vet, but then they told me I was too tough on the animals, so they assigned me to be a surgeon last year. What seems to be the problem?
**Harry:** I've dislocated my arm while playing dodgeball in gym class.
**Dr. Snipowitz:** Of course. Dodgeball can lead to some serious injuries.
**Harry:** Now, how are you gonna help me with my dislocated arm?
**Dr. Snipowitz:** Easy. I'll just have to take your broken arm out.
**Harry:** Wait, what?! But my arm is just dislocated, it's not broken! I don't want to be amputated!
**Dr. Snipowitz:** Broken, dislocated, what's the difference?
**Harry:** A really big one!
**Dr. Snipowitz:** Then I'll have to break your arm!
**Harry:** NOOOOOOO!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!
*(Harry runs out of the doctor's office screaming)*

*(The Amber's House)*
**Rebecca:** What's wrong, Harry?
**Harry:** Mom, I've had a terrible day at school today.
**Sally:** What happened?
**Harry:** I was playing dodgeball in gym class, and then one of my arms got dislocated with a dodgeball that I threw. My gym teacher Mrs. Tennyson dismissed me from gym classes until I heal.
**Mary:** That's pretty painful.
**Harry:** Yeah, but that's not the worst part. My gym teacher took me to the school's doctor...
**Sally:** And?
**Harry:** The doctor who worked there was Dr. Snipowitz.
**Stuart:** What did you say, son?
**Harry:** My school's doctor is Dr. Snipowitz.
**Stuart:** DR. SNIPOWITZ?!
**Harry:** Yeah. His method of "curing" my dislocated arm was to break it! I left the doctor's office before he could hurt me, though.
**Rebecca:** Oh, that sounds rough, Harry. You should go and get some rest.
**Stuart:** *(snarling)* Dr. Snipowitz...
**Mary:** You have a history with him, daddy?
**Stuart:** Yes. I really hate that guy. He's got quite a notorious reputation among Dimmsdale Hospital's patients. They call him "the Hurting Doctor", because he keeps hurting or mutilating his clients.
**Sally:** Oh, that's really messed up.
**Stuart:** You said it, Sally. And now he tried to hurt my son... Dr. Snipowitz has gone too far!
**Rebecca:** I really hope he gets fired from Harry's school. I'm gonna need to talk to Principal Thorndale about this tomorrow.

*(Sally's room)*
**Sally:** I need to get to the bottom of this so that Dr. Snipowitz doesn't hurt my brother again.
**Stan:** *(as a parrot)* It's impossible for a doctor to mutilate his patients, it's usually quite the opposite.
**Mary:** With the way dad described Dr. Snipowitz, he kinda reminds me of Dr. Bender.
**Sally:** At least Dr. Bender has a proper dentist's degree.
**Stan:** He's still a menace to every kid in Dimmsdale. However, this Dr. Snipowitz guy... at first glance I can't see that there's anything wrong with him, he looks like an ordinary doctor.
**Sally:** We need to find out what this doctor's really like and why he hurts his patients.
**Mary:** But first, we need to check on Harry and see if everything's okay with him.
*(Sally and Mary exit Sally's room and go to Harry's room)*
**Sally:** Harry, are you okay?
**Harry:** (yells in gibberish; then turns around to see Sally and Mary) Oh, it's you two.
**Mary:** Judging from those screams, I'm guessing you're not okay?
**Harry:** Obviously not. I feel like I'm having a panic attack. I fear that Dr. Snipowitz may come for me at any moment!
**Sally:** Look, brother, mom told you to calm down. You should just sit down, relax, and maybe read a book, okay? In the meantime, I'm going to find out what makes this Dr. Snipowitz guy tick.

*(Dimmsdale High School; Rebecca and Stuart are in the principal's office)*
**Principal Thorndale:** I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. and Mrs. Amber. I had no idea your son was attacked by Dr. Snipowitz.
**Stuart:** You hired him without checking his background?
**Principal Thorndale:** Well, he said he really wanted to work as a doctor here, and I couldn't just say no to him after he showed me his medical degree.
**Rebecca:** You should fire that doctor from this school before any more teenagers could get hurt by him.
**Principal Thorndale:** No.
**Rebecca:** Well then, I'm gonna have to arrest him!
**Principal Thorndale:** I'm sorry, but you can't do that. There's no real evidence to him being a bad doctor.
**Stuart:** No real evidence?! My son complained that your doctor tried to break his arm on purpose after Harry had dislocated it!
**Principal Thorndale:** Well, people always complain about how Dr. Snipowitz treated them, but they'll get over it.
**Rebecca:** We'll be seeing you later, Principal Thorndale. Sorry for disturbing you, my husband is also a doctor and he really hates Dr. Snipowitz.

*(Dimmsdale Hospital; Sally is inside the hospital with Stan in book form)*
**Sally:** Well, we're gonna have to look for clues about Dr. Snipowitz in the Dimmsdale Hospital - my father works there.
**Stuart:** (walks by Sally) Hey, Sally, what are you doing here?
**Sally:** I just want to ask some of the patients around the hospital for...you-know-who.
**Stuart:** Okay, good luck, princess.
*(montage of Sally interviewing various patients)*
**Sally:** Sir, I happen to be a daughter of one of the doctors who works here. Can you tell me what Dr. Snipowitz did to you?
**Male Patient #1:** That idiot did it so that now I'm in even worse condition than before the operation. It was one of the worst decisions of my life, I wish he hadn't cut out my kidney.
*(Sally writes the information down on Stan's pages in his book form)*
**Female Patient #1:** Girl, you're lucky that you didn't get an appointment with him. Because I became a victim of his unsuccessful operation, and now I'm relying on painkillers.
**Male Patient #2:** I suffer from cataracts to this day, I have to take eye drops to somehow fix it. Once I had a nightmare that Dr. Snipowitz performed an operation on me and I went blind so as not to see what he did to me, this doctor was chasing me in a nightmare.
**Female Patient #2:** I trusted him with a simple procedure, and now I'm dealing with complications. I never thought a routine surgery could turn into a nightmare. I should have researched his credentials more thoroughly. No wonder they call him the Hurting Doctor.
**Male Patient #3:** I went in for a minor issue, and now I'm left with chronic pain. It's like his scalpel had a mind of its own. I can't believe I let myself be treated by someone without checking their background. My mistake cost me dearly.
*(montage ends with Sally writing down the information from the patients on Stan)*
**Sally:** Hmm, it seems that that some of the patients here have said that they went to Dr. Snipowitz without checking his background first.
**Stan:** There's something sinister going on with this doctor. Hang on, someone's coming.
*(Sally sits down on the bench and pretends to read; Juniper Parker and Biff Kelley walk past her)*
**Juniper:** That Dr. Snipowitz is starting to turn our town's healthcare into a big joke!
**Biff:** No kidding. He really should've stuck to his job as a veterenarian - only the most simple-minded people would be fooled by his phony medical degree.
*(Mr. Turner enters with his wife on a wheelchair)*
**Mr. Turner:** Excuse me, Dr. Parker, I have an emergency meeting.
**Juniper:** What is it, Mr. and Mrs. Turner?
**Mrs. Turner:** (sneezes) I've had an allergic reaction from drinking pineapple juice that we've bought for our son.
**Biff:** Wait, I recognize you, Mr. Turner. Didn't you get your gall bladder removed?
**Mr. Turner:** Yes, Dr. Kelley.
**Biff:** My daughter told me about her date with a boy named Timmy.
**Mrs. Turner:** That's our son!
**Juniper:** Well, I'll lead you right to my room, get some prescribed medicine to help you deal with your allergies. *(wheels Mrs. Turner's wheelchair)*
**Mr. Turner:** Thank you, Dr. Parker!
*(camera pans back to Sally)*
**Sally:** Wait a minute, Dr. Snipowitz has a fake medical degree?
**Stan:** They said he also used to be a vet.
**Sally:** That makes sense, because if Dr. Snipowitz had an actual medical degree, possibly he never would've hurt his patients, rather the opposite would've happened.
*(a scream is heard off-screen; camera shows one of the patients screaming in sight of Dr. Snipowitz, who came into the patient's room)*
**Female Patient #2:** Please, no more! I'll go to anyone else but him! Someone save me from this maniac doctor!
**Stuart:** HEY! Leave that patient alone, Dr. Snipowitz!
**Dr. Snipowitz:** Dr. Stuart Amber...dearest of all my friends.
**Stuart:** First off, I am *not* your friend. Second, haven't you scarred enough patients already?!
**Dr. Snipowitz:** I'm sorry that my patients don't appreciate what I've done for them. I have my own "special treatment method" that I used when I was a veterinarian.
**Female Patient #2:** *(as Sally eavesdrops)* Dr. Snipowitz used to be a vet?
**Stuart:** Yes. Despite what his medical degree may tell you, I bet Dr. Snipowitz knows little about human anatomy. And I should know, I come from a family of doctors.
**Dr. Snipowitz:** Oh, please, Stu, anyone can get a medical degree these days.
**Stuart:** My son told me what you tried to do to him yesterday!
**Dr. Snipowitz:** That was your son? I didn't know that. Anyway, Stu, we can work this out peacefully without anyone finding out about it.
**Stuart:** Your aggressive behavior towards patients is only gonna get you into trouble. And I **cannot** have you hurting my family too. I don't know why the head doctor of this hospital even hired you.
**Dr. Snipowitz:** The answer is simple, Stu, he's my **friend**, I've known him since high school. And thanks to him I ended up here. He is also intimately familiar with the principal of Dimmsdale High School, Jerry Thorndale. The previous nurse who worked there went on maternity leave and so the doctor's position at that school became vacant, and I immediately saw the opportunity.
**Stuart:** My dad's a surgeon, and even he wouldn't make the mistakes that you did. You know why? Because he *studied* for his medical degree, while you didn't! Anton, think of what would happen to your patients - you might replace someone's kidney with a sandwich, or a baked potato. They're not gonna feel well afterwards, I can tell you that much.
**Dr. Snipowitz:** You got me, Dr. Stuart Amber, I never went to medical school! *(many people in the hospital gasped in shock)* I know absolutely nothing about human anatomy or how to treat patients properly, I only know how to mutilate them. However, I *did* go to veterinary school and my diploma from there is real.
**Male Patient #1:** You as a vet were so-so! My cat Twyla was energetic before your visit, and that's because she had to get rid of some fleas she got. The fleas were gone, but she wasn't energetic anymore.
**Sally:** *(outside the room writing down information)* Looks like Dr. Snipowitz is caught red-handed. Now Harry can breathe calmly.

*(Dimmsdale High School; Rebecca, Stuart and Harry are in the principal's office)*
**Stuart:** So, my daughter collected info on Dr. Snipowitz from my hospital's patients, and she revealed a ton of information about your school's "doctor".
**Principal Thorndale:** (reads through Sally's papers and gasps) Unbelievable.
**Rebecca:** And that's not all - check out the medical degrees - I've brought a scanner to check how authentic they are. *(runs Stuart's medical degree through the scanner; the scanner beeps)* Looks like my husband's medical degree is genuine. Now let's check Dr. Snipowitz's degree. *(runs Dr. Snipowitz's medical through the scanner; scanner does nothing)* Not a sound. That means Dr. Snipowitz's medical degree is fake! You know why? Because Stuart's medical degree has a seal on it, which was read by the scanner, while Dr. Snipowitz's degree doesn't.
**Principal Thorndale:** My goodness. How could I have been so blind? I can't believe I've been cheated by a surgeon with a phony degree!
**Dr. Snipowitz:** (comes into the office) But I have a real vet's degree.
**Principal Thorndale:** Dr. Snipowitz, you're fired! Get out of my school and never come back!
**Dr. Snipowitz:** This isn't over, Stuart Amber. You haven't seen the last of me.
**Rebecca:** Just get out of here before I arrest you.
**Dr. Snipowitz:** Okay, okay.
*(Dr. Snipowitz leaves the office)*
**Harry:** Phew, I'm sure glad that's over.
**Principal Thorndale:** We're terribly sorry for what happened to your son, Mr. and Mrs. Amber. Tell you what - I'll open up a position for a new doctor/nurse in the school. Would you like to apply?
**Stuart:** After what recently happened? Definitely!

*(The Amber's House; Harry is shown exercising in his room and moving his healed arm; Sally and Mary come in)*
**Mary:** Hey, Harry, how are you feeling?
**Harry:** Better.
**Sally:** I hope that arm of yours finally healed.
**Harry:** Yes, it did. I'm sure lucky that I have a doctor for a dad. Good thing I ran away from that crazy Dr. Snipowitz before he could do anything to me.
**Mary:** So, how about a conglatulatory round of arm wrestling?
**Harry:** You're on, sis!
*(While Harry and Mary arm wrestle, Sally leaves Harry's room)*
**Stan:** (as a parrot) I'm glad that Dr. Snipowitz got fired and Harry's arm healed.
**Sally:** Yeah, now Dr. Snipowitz will never bother my brother again!
*(a bone crack is heard; Harry screams in pain)*
**Sally:** (enters Harry's room) Harry, what's wrong?
**Harry:** Mary broke my arm!
**Mary:** I'm sorry.
**Stan:** (in human form as a doctor) Don't worry, Dr. Stan is here to help!
**Harry:** I hope I don't have to wear a cast!
**Sally:** With Dr. Stan, you don't have to.
**Stan:** Hold still, this won't hurt at all. *(raises his wand; Harry's arm unbreaks)* Try moving your arm.
**Harry:** (moves his arm) Wow! My arm isn't broken anymore. Thank you, Dr. Stan!
**Stan:** You're welcome.
*(Stan leaves Harry's room; Rebecca and Stuart come in)*
**Rebecca:** Harry, are you okay? We've heard you screaming from downstairs.
**Harry:** Mom, dad, I'm okay.
**Stuart:** What happened?
**Mary:** I got a little too carried away with my conglatulatory arm wrestling round between me and Harry. I think I broke his arm.
**Harry:** No, false alarm, my arm is fine. Good thing you didn't dislocate it again.
**Sally:** Sometimes, my sister doesn't know her own strength.
**Harry:** I'll never arm-wrestle with Mary again.
*(the Ambers laugh and are joined by Stan in parrot form)*
*(ending title card)*
**Harry:** (heard over the ending title card) I'm serious!