Jesus Button, Piss Nostalgia, and 1440 Feral Cats

D&Daniel

The weather's cold sleigh bells are ringing and someone's coming down the chimney. That's right, it's me D&Daniel celebrating another year of the probably bad podcast. To celebrate properly on the 23rd at 7pm GMT, we will be playing the Elder Scrolls Skyrim one of the hottest new games on the market or so I'm told, but with a special twist, there'll be mods installed. But the editor who will be playing the game has not been informed of what those mods will be. Enjoy the chaos. Also, thanks to our patrons, especially Hedwig and Carlo. Merry probably bad to one and all

Pencil

Hello and welcome to the probably bad podcast a podcast which is definitely bad I'm pencil

Paper

i'm paper. today's probably bad RPG idea is the outsiders finally learned summon motral and has now summoned your conjurer mid bathroom break to yell how do you like it at them

Pencil

I mean, obviously this is a thing that happens to me regularly. But I just think that the facts that the material plane is just another dimension isn't exploited enough. Like you very rarely get like you know the noble heroes go into the hells to fight Asmodeus and Asmodeus just casts banish and sends them back to the farm they started the adventure at

Paper

well Yeah, cuz there's spells that summon pretty much everything else including beasts which are from the material plane. (Yeah) so why shouldn't you also be able to summon humanoid?

Pencil

At the very least summon nature's ally should let you summon hippies give them like an axe and send them at your enemies

Paper

I think summon nature's allies should certainly let you be able to summon say a CR three druid.

Pencil

To be fair, like I do like the idea that part of becoming a Druid is Do you are now officially nature's ally and thus can be summoned by the spell which does sort of work as an in universe thing.

Paper

so this is why I think all children should have at least one level in druid so if they go missing you can just summon the map.

Pencil

I really like that because sort of in universes kind of implied that like druid circles are these secrets mysterious organization, you're showing up with your baby being like, hi, Could you could you put them in the order they keep running away

Paper

just imagine a fantasy setting where druidry is kind of like being in the scouts. Like you know early on, it's just very basic stuff and then some of the kids go on to keep doing it and go into forestry and all that sort of stuff. But most of them just have like you know, just a little bit of druid craft

Pencil

like you're hanging out with someone and they're just like you know, you need to get something from a high shelf so they just turn into a bear and when you ask oh yeah no, I did a little bit of druidry when I was eight

Paper

you come across your friend talking to trees and it's like oh no, it's fine. I was in scouts

Pencil

I think this needs to go back to I feel people need to like take into account the fact that the d&d world and a lot of role playing worlds are worlds where any random person might be able to level the town. But yeah, back to summon mortal back to like the druids scouts.

Paper

yeah that's much more fun than considering that d&d is ultimately a cosmic horror setting that no one does cosmic horror in

Pencil

Anyway, moving away from the implications of the universe, the scouts

Paper

My question is like, how loosely do you define nature's ally because a ranger could be nature's ally or nature's foe

Pencil

I mean, I did put on the Twitter summon nature's enemy which is when you just call for for capitalist. I Think okay. If you have petted an animal in the last 24 hours, you can be summoned by nature's ally

Paper

what if you're petting the animal as a ploy.

Pencil

Become them. This goes under summon nature's false friend or nature. So in nature's frenemy, which is where you summon people who pet cats but insincerely

Paper

Okay,

Pencil

you got summon nature's ally, summon nature's enemy and summon nature's friend

Paper

Are these spells at different levels are they just different manifestations of the same ability

Pencil

like you know they the same as like you know the other ones in they all go up from one to nine because I feel yes summon nature's ally is level one you summon a guy who pet a cat level nine you summon the entirety of Greenpeace like and it goes between those two.

Paper

Okay

Pencil

this is how Green Peace does meetings incidentally.

Paper

i'm just trying to work out like summon nature's Frenemy. Would that be like PETA? Well? Yeah, they're pretending that that's what they're what they want but they're kind of dicks

Pencil

Yeah, I feel that they're either like someone like Peta who is trying to help but is really really bad at it. Or like someone at a slaughter house who you know comforts and columns animals, but with the intention of stabbing them in the face

Paper

I don't think that's how slaughterhouses work

Pencil

yes it is. the animal goes in and then the slaughterhouse man hugs the animal and then when the animals are lulled into a false sense of security they stab it because betrayal makes the meat tastes better

Paper

I think I think that's gonna be our next piece of merch

Pencil

Yeah, that's why they have to do that's why they have the judas goat because the judas goat like, betrays all of the other goats. So all the goats like are sad when they're executed - sad when they're butchered. And they have a special goat on there who pretends to be the animals friend.

Paper

See I thought that the Judas goat was because ultimately the goats need to die in order to redeem goat kind of its sin.

Pencil

Like it's very complicated theology here

Paper

this is our closest episode to Christmas I don't know how we ended up on Easter

Pencil

you know the two do follow from each other

Paper

I guess the death does follow from the birth. It's a long time since I've been to church, but I'm pretty sure death tends to come after to birth.

Pencil

Jesus's miracle was that he did die and then was later born. Did it backwards.

I think we've lost track of the question.

Paper

Benjamin Button!

Pencil

Yeah, Jesus was famously the inspiration for Benjamin Button. Anyway, yes, so back to the question, which we sort of got wildly off track from

Paper

Mmm!

Pencil

Like because Okay, so an actual idea. So you know, you summon a demon or you know, a supernatural creature because it can do things that you can't (yep) and obviously, you know, a lot of supernatural things have restrictions. So like, you know, a fairy summons you because it needs to go lie to someone and break a promise and it can't do that. So it's sending you out to do it on its behalf. Like, you know, like demons need to go into a holy place so they summon you to use your magical powers of being able to enter consecrated ground to go beat up a priest.

Paper

I really like that.

Pencil

Yeah, I feel there's something there.

Paper

Yeah, vampire summons you to go and do its shopping because the shop closes before sunset.

Pencil

That's a really interesting idea in here with like, angels can't do sins But sometimes, you know, there are necessary evils. So you are someone who is summoned by the higher planes to go do things that the angels cannot morally do themselves. Like you're sort of like the shadow side of the celestial planes.

Paper

I like that a lot. I want to play a game where that is the party.

Pencil

Yeah, like whenever there's something that has to be done to stop the forces of hell that you know, is too morally dubious for angels. They summon you guys and they're like, you know, go beat up that toddler.

Paper

i'm not sure beating up a toddler is morally dubious so much is just the kid is yet to do anything wrong.

Pencil

The toddler contains a portal to hell that can only be closed by throwing it at something.

Paper

Oh, that's fair enough.

Pencil

And yeah, I do. I also do weirdly like the inverse where demons summon you to go and like, give cakes to old ladies. I don't know why. But like,

Paper

You run the home for aging Satanists?

Pencil

the demons need to like get on someone's good side but they can't quite bring themselves send them gift baskets are so common you

Paper

see, now we're getting into like the moral question of if you get someone to do a bad thing is that not in itself a bad thing? Like how it's illegal to hire an assassin?

Pencil

That is true. I feel what I would have to do then is the angels summon you. And they're like, hello, you know, we're just angels. We're just hanging around. Did you know that there's this like immoral thing? That would be really helpful if someone did. And obviously we can't tell you to do it. But you know, it would be really helpful if someone burned down that city.

Paper

Okay, so it's like a Henry the second turbulent priest loophole.

Pencil

Yeah. Like, you know, they're just telling you the situation what you want to do with that information is up to you. And I think this party should have one really oblivious member so the angel is just there like winking with all 42,000 of its eyes like, it sure would be useful if somebody were to steal those items. It's a shame that we cannot do that as morally upstanding individuals, winks 4000 times. And then the guy is just like, Yeah, that does sound useful. hope someone does that.

Paper

Just keep hinting until eventually, the guy's like, Hey, do what if I did that, would that be helpful? (Yeah) and that also gets around to having to pay them if they offer Yeah, didn't ask them to do it.

Pencil

Yes. Like you know, again, it's like kind of obviously you know, it would be helpful we can't advocate you doing it but we can't lie so it would be helpful. some kind of passive aggressive Angel The other thing is that you know, you have binding circles you could summon a spirit and trap it there. Presumably that would also work on humans in this AU

Paper

Oh, yeah, it's like the the Tumblr post that goes around that's like what what five items would someone put in a circle to summon you

Pencil

like, I'd like to like you know, salt stops some supernatural things escaping. It doesn't work on humans so they've just set up a fence around you.

Paper

Maybe an electric fence if they're really powerful summoners

Pencil

I am a truly mighty sorcerer, I say attaching barbed wire to my fence. Like a whole lot of things like yes, you just need to learn what things resonate badly with different supernatural entities' nature and you know, electrocution resonates badly with our nature.

Paper

It does we are vulnerable to lightning damage.

Pencil

Yeah, I've discovered the bane of humanity. I say throwing rocks at a dude

Paper

and you know there's there's special crystals which are harmful to humanoids. (Yeah) uranium comes to mind.

Pencil

I do I do like the idea of you're just submerged into a ring of uranium. Due to due to a slight misunderstanding of how these things work

Paper

Well, you're a particularly powerful humanoid, and they want to make sure you're properly bound.

Pencil

Yeah, like I do. It's a version of an dea I have of like, you know, humans are considered like, powerful for their various supernatural abilities such as being able to cross salt lines and being able to tell lies. And I just like that sort of flip of perspective of just also, of course, the thing of like, you know, vampires aren't weak to a stake through the heart. They react completely normally to a stake through the heart is just, they're invulnerable to everything else.

Paper

Yeah, they're just not strong to it. Yeah. Zombies aren't strong to beheading just you know, like

hazel

I'm Hazel and I present the bread and thread podcast with less also known as paper from probably bad. Bread and thread is a podcast about food history and domestic history and generally social history. We delve into a lot of different things. So if you'd like to know which country has laws against importing sheep, what cookbook will tell you how to make a great martini and also houses live a nuclear bomb attack, or why you are using a fork right now. Then, come over to Brandon thread and give us a listen. You can find us on Spotify or wherever else podcasts exist Oh, I don't know

Paper

So speaking of vampires, our first question is probably the worst question we've ever got, and was also sent to us twice within the space of three days, but we're answering it so you can stop sending it now. Vampire the Masquerade. If all the vampires bodily fluids are replaced with blood, and all they ingest is blood, what's up with their piss? Is it blood in and blood out? Do they still get nutrients?

Pencil

  I don't know with Vampire The Masquerade. I do know the answer to vampire The Requiem because they had a source book, which explained these details for reasons I'm not quite clear on. But

Paper

you know, it's someone's kink. That's the answer.

Pencil

When a vampire drinks Blood The blood doesn't like- the fis, like the sort of metaphysical nature of the blood absorbs into their body and sustains them. And yes, it is blood in blood out. They just removed the blood from their body. It doesn't technically have to be pissing they could like, you know, vomit it up. But generally, you know, for old times sake, it's pissing.

Paper

Ol- they're just nostalgic about piss.

Pencil

But yes, no, it is blood in blood out. They consume the mystical parts of the blood and the physical parts of the blood  Just, it's just blood. They just gotta get it out. Um, so yeah.

Paper

Hope you're happy anon.

Pencil

Again, I don't know whether it's the same in Vampire the Masquerade? I think. I would assume it would be like, I don't see why they change it. Because like, so the other question, and this is going to get us demonetized and banned, is if all of their body fluids replaced with blood, do they come blood?

Paper

I mean, I would have to assume

Pencil

that there's just something really weird.

Paper

But there is a fundamental difference between piss and cum.

Pencil

Yeah, but it's all of their body fluids.

Paper

I was going to expand on that, that that wasn't the end of the thought

Pencil

Okay.

Paper

Well, piss is basically a combination of things extracted from your food is like the majority of it.

Pencil

Yeah. Which, you know, will make sense in this context? Because

Paper

it's Yeah, whereas the majority is something-[crosstalk]. Yeah. Whereas the majority of cum is something that you make yourself.

Pencil

Okay, so this, if I may go back to the vampire, the requiem Source Book, the blood, which went into a lot of these things. So the reason vampires, you know, you don't notice that they have blood instead of saliva blood instead of tears, is that they can sort of make the sort of flu, mystical fluid they absorbed from blood into sort of, you know, things that mimic other fluids. So presumably, a vampire could make blood cum if they wanted to.

Paper

Okay, so it's, it's kind of choose your own adventure. (Yeah) Does that also mean that, you know, as you say, for old times sake, they could piss urine if they wanted to?

Pencil

Possib- I would assume so. Yeah.

Paper

Because I have to imagine, you know, you have a lot of those public toilets, where the, it's not urinals. It's basically just a trough.

Pencil

Yeah. Because basically, like vamp-

Paper

other people in there if they spotted that out, the corner of their eye would be concerned. So presumably, like as a camouflage tactic, you make it look like piss [crosstalk]

Pencil

It's a Violation of bathroom etiquette to look at the person next to you who's just pissing a stream of blood.

Paper

I feel like at that point, it's okay. Because, you know, that's, that's concern for a fellow person who's clearly in distress.

Pencil

What if you turns and they go, don't worry, it's just for old times sake.

Paper

Think that would be breaking the masquerade, which is just a different problem

Pencil

But yeah, vampires can they can use I think it's called the kiss of life or the bloom of life, to make themselves look like normal humans, which includes, you know, all of the normal human stuff. Although interestingly, vampires who have reached zero humanity to have sort of completely lost grip of their human side, could no longer do this, and therefore, presumably, do salivate blood

Paper

and sweat it presumably?

Pencil

Yeah, sweat it, presumably. Yeah, I think. (oh no) Yeah, vampires normally just don't sweat. If they want to sweat, they can normally sweat normal things, but yes, zero humanity vampire would presumably sweat blood, which is quite a distressing mental image.

Paper

Yeah. So I hope you're happy person who will forever be vampire piss anon on for sending this question twice and forcing me to include it in the podcast.

Pencil

Please stop sending us it

Paper

Please. I'm begging you. I'm sad now.

Pencil

Right our next.... our next question for which paper actually did do research is also anonymous. Let's say hypothetically, if I didn't have a horse, for whatever reason, and I needed to pull a cart, how many feral cats would I need?

Paper

Yeah, I learned I learned about horsepower for this question, because I am a professional. I found that someone tested how much pulling strength their cat had, and found that it was about 1/96th of a horsepower. So you would think that the answer is 96. Except a horse does not produce one horsepower. A human can produce a horsepower, a horse can produce up to 15 horsepower. Because apparently we were projecting when we called it that.

Pencil

I like to imagine it was made by someone who does not know what a horse is

Paper

Yeah, just like what what's a really good sounding word? Horse. It's a strong sound

Pencil

or someone who couldn't tell the difference between people and horses.

Paper

So, yeah, according to that the answer is somewhere between 96 and 1440 feral cats.  (Also)  I think if you look at D&D stats, it's not as bad. But also why feral cats specifically, they're going to be the hardest to work with. I

Pencil

think I think it's because suppose you want to get a good deal in a town. If you come in with 1046 feral cats, people will just give you things for free

Paper

No 1440 feral cats

Pencil

yeah 1440 cats, people will just give you things for free. So you leave. it's really good for trading.

Paper

That does make sense

Pencil

, like, excite like probably bad business idea. Attend all business negotiations, tied to 1440 feral cats, and just wait to see how quickly people will give you things in order to make you and your 1440 feral cats stop being in their meeting room.

Paper

i guess feral ones also does make sense. Just from a numbers point of view.

Pencil

Yeah, like, it's gonna be really expensive to buy 1440 Like, you know, domesticated cats.

Paper

Yeah. Whereas you could probably just go around a cat that many feral cats if you're in a large enough city. I haven't looked this up. But I have to assume there's at least that many feral cats somewhere like New York.

Pencil

I'd like to specify this is meant in the sense of it is coherently possible for you to go pick up to go grab that many feral cats it is probably not actually possible for you to go grab that many feral cats or you will die.

Paper

However, this podcast does support you in the attempt.

Pencil

Yes, this podcast takes no responsibility for any attempts you do with feral cats, but do send us the video. Also the other thing I notice about this question is it's not related to RPGs in any way.

Paper

No, like it's like I say if you just look at the strengths stats that DND gives it the answer is six cats. That's boring.

Pencil

Yeah. You know, most people won't like give you free stuff to make you leave the room. If you just have six cats. They'll just pet the six cats.

Paper

Well, yeah.

Pencil

I'm vaguely worried that this is like actual life advice. In which case when you do make your horrifying cat chariot, please don't tell anyone it was under our advice

Paper

To be fair, we are probably bad. This is probably the worst piece of life advice (yeah) get 1440 feral cats.

Pencil

Like what if they form a hive mind. Like, like they all bunched together like Voltron and form a giant super cat

Paper

Cat Voltron.

Pencil

Which you know, cuz 1440 times smarter than a cat because they're all working together. There's got to be at least as smart as a human.

Paper

Pencil have you ever been on a group project? It's going to be 1440 times dumber than a cat.

Pencil

Like, you know, it depends on how good these feral cats are at working together.

Paper

That's true. Maybe Maybe they will elect a small parliament of cats to control the cat Voltron.

Pencil

Yeah. You get the 10 smartest feral cats and they're guiding the cat Voltron Yeah, they'd all like work together. That's a thing cats famously do,

Paper

especially feral ones.

Pencil

Yeah, feral cats, famously, are very good at making friends. Like, what it is, is you accidentally domesticate these feral cats take into account i don't know what the term is

Paper

would be it would be tame. I think

Pencil

you successfully tame these feral cats or so you think. But what you don't realize is the feral cats have been taming each other. And now they're all best friends. And they all work together to eat you and wear your skin and take over your identity. As -,

Paper

I don't think you'd fit that many cats in a human,

Pencil

like some of them wear the skin and the others like, you know, are just stuck following it around. And they set up a major business empire trading for fish and milk. Because using the threat of what still must be at least 1000 feral cats probably

Paper

Oh, easily.

Pencil

Yeah. Like, I mean, yeah, you probably could probably get maybe 30 cats in the human size,at most.

Paper

I mean, that would be a particularly large human as well.

Pencil

Yeah. So yeah, like still, you know, the vast majority of the feral cats. Most people won't notice that it's a bunch of cats wearing human skin suits, because you know, they won't want to go close because there's still 1410 feral cats around you. So to answer your question, if you didn't have a horse for whatever reason, you need to pull a cart your business empire will be taken over by a cat wearing your body, and the world will end up in a capitalist dystopia run by 1440 feral cats who have learned to work together in defiance of cat nature.

Paper

Did you mean catatalist?

Pencil

I did. Also podcast canceled.

Paper

That's the rule I do a pun and you cancel the podcast.

Pencil

But yes. Anyway, I hope that answered your question.

Paper

So yeah, um, things that are not cats also cost money, which is why we have a Patreon so

Pencil

so we can eventually buy 1440 feral cats.

Paper

Personally, I plan on getting 1440 feral dogs,

Pencil

then they fight.

Paper

But yeah, if you want access to a Patreon exclusive Discord server where we play one shots and talk about RPGs and just talk nonsense with me and pencil and friends, then, yeah, patreon.com/probably bad RPG ideas where you can also get homebrew and bonus episodes. If you have a question, you can email pretty bad podcast@gmail.com or send us a message on tumblr at probably bad RPG ideas. Basically could also send a message to Twitter at bad probably, but it hasn't happened yet. So I refuse to believe it's possible.

Pencil

Prove us wrong.

Paper

So yeah, thank you for listening. Do not try to capture every federal care in New York.

both

And remember to have a probably bad day.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai