Fake TPOT: Soundtrack/Deleted songs

During the writing process of the *Fake TPOT* series, many song lyrics were penned but were not included in the episode for various reasons. The most common one is timing, but other reasons for not including a song in the episode may be the subject matter (too sombre or too light-hearted) or simply that the author had the lyrics—or a vague idea thereof—in mind but has since forgotten them.

This page lists all the songs that are believed to have been deleted from the series. In August 2022, a treasure trove of *Fake TPOT* song lyrics was discovered. Although most of these songs ended up in the series proper, a few of them were left for deletion for the reasons above. Such songs are uploaded to this page to keep them in memory. They may also have been included in *TPOT in Song*, the musical based on the series that came out in 1992.

Note that this page may be expanded if I discover any more lost material.

## Act II deleted songs

### "A Taco Ev'ry Day" (TPOT 12)

"**A Taco Ev'ry Day**" is a folk-type song that would have been featured at the end of "Death P.A.C.T. Takes a Holiday", during the scene in which Death P.A.C.T. Again, Pen, Eraser, Blocky, Taco and the children of the last two are eating lunch together. It was replaced by a heart-to-heart scene with Tree and Pen talking privately. No lyrics survive, but I do remember one verse that was entirely in gibberish (it was Woody's solo, no less).

**To the melody of**: An unknown Finnish folk song (*not* "Ievan-Polkka")
**Singer(s)**: Blocky, Mario, Ricardo, Taco and Woody (featuring Black Hole, Eraser, Fanny, Lightning, Pen, Remote, Rocky and Tree)
**Voiced by**: S. Aguirre, Kenzie Bryant, Thomas Chick, Satomi Hinatsu, Cary Huang (archival voice only), Michael Huang, Sidney M., Elvira C. McCormack, US-Female Voice
**Setting**: June 1976, Blocky and Taco's house
**Cue**:

**Blocky**: How about we all have a real luncheon?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Agreed.

## Act IV deleted songs

### "Land of Numbers" (TPOT 23)

"**Land of Numbers**" is a country song heard in "Alphabet Two-p". It was sung by the algebralien One, who had found success as a country singer after being a doctor on the Equation Playground. The full version of "Land of Numbers" did not make it to the final episode, its lyrics having been forgotten. However, its instrumental played as background music during the episode's voting screen scene. Some lyrics survive.

**To the melody of**: Original
**Singer(s)**: One
**Voiced by**: Microsoft Sam (whose voice has been distorted to sound as much like Don Williams as possible)
**Setting**: Sometime in 1980, unknown country music venue
**Cue**:

**Two**: So what kind of music does One sing? Disco? Schlager? That new wave everybody's talking about?
**Five**: No. They've decided to go the Goikyan American way and sing country. [*removed line ahead*] See for yourself!

**Partial lyrics (extremely incomplete)**

**One**: ♫ In the land of numbers soi soi soi

In the land of numbers... ♫

[...]

**One**: ♫ It's the land of numbers soi soi soi

It's the land of numbers... ♫

## Act V deleted songs

### "Together We're Wrong" (TPOT 30)

"**Together We're Wrong**" is a Europop song that could have been featured in "Return of the Rock Ship". It would have been a duet, sung by Pen and Tree after their soap-opera-like breakup in the episode's climax. The song was deleted from the episode due to time constraints and because it was forgotten (although the lyrics were rediscovered almost a year later). Some alternate titles for this include "**Pen's a Brat and Tree's a Jerk**" and "**WIDSTITLRETILTSTTIRTPOT**".

**To the melody of**: "Together We're Strong" by Mireille Mathieu and Patrick Duffy (1983)
**Singer(s)**: Pen, Tree
**Voiced by**: Thomas Chick, Michael Huang
**Setting**: March 1983, two locations (Snowball's hotel room and outside the set *en route* to the international airport)
**Cue**:

**R****e****m****ot****e**: He really got a beef with Meryl Bleep?
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: He had a strong reaction to *So-Tree's Choice*.

**Full lyrics**

*Pen takes on the rôle of Mireille Mathieu (down an octave and certainly not without her meridional fervidity), while Tree sings for Patrick Duffy (I had no idea either of them actually sang, but here Tree are).*

**T****r****e****e**: [*Recit.*] *A number once made us embrace one another.

Since then, I was madly in love with you.

But now, that love has run its course,

And I've told you to disappear.*

**P****en**: ♫ You say "g'day, mate", I say "eyy",

You give the orders, I obey,

You love to work, I love to play,

And boy, have I got more to say.

**T****r****e****e**: You are a pen and I'm a tree

As even you can plainly see,

But you're no longer right for me—

**Both**: No need to lie.

**P****en**: After today, we'll be apart—

D'ya think I've got a broken heart?

My new affair's about to start!

**Both**: Together we're wrong and don't belong.

**P****en**: This whole routine we used to do

About my burning love for you

Is finally over, plain and true.

**Both**: Together we're wrong.

**P****en**: Together we're wrong,

Together we're wrong,

Together we're wrong,

Together we're wrong and don't belong.

**P****en**: The way you told me you were mine,

The way you bowl, they're both so fine—

(You've always had fun with my spine.)

**Both**: Not that way—come on!

But now this partnership is through;

At least we know now what to do

'Cause let's be honest: me and you?

Together we're wrong.

**P****en**: I find it very hard to understand you...

**T****r****e****e**: Pen, you've spent months in Australia.

**P****en**: When you talk so smart.

**T****r****e****e**: It's "smart*ly*"; this is why you're a himbo.

**P****en**: Without someone like you, who can I turn to?

**T****r****e****e**: Find somebody else, I'm going.

**P****en**: I need you next to me!

**T****r****e****e**: Now do the same to me! ♫

**T****r****e****e**: [*Recit.*] *Yes, together we're wrong.

There are so many you could have chosen from,

And somehow you got me.

I might have succumbed to your charm,

But now that I see you for what you are,

I must say that I hate you.*

**P****en**: *Oh yeah?*

**P****en**: ♫ I never liked the things you say,

You yell when nothing goes your way,

You're mad at someone new each day

And you're as tough as dampened clay.

**T****r****e****e**: You're as conceited as can be,

You're much more pleasant on TV.

You think I'd want you here with me?

**Both**: No need to lie!

**P****en**: Now that we're done, I'll fly away

And find a new pal every day

To whom I'll say I do belong—

**Both**: 'Cause together we're wrong.

**T****r****e****e**: Together we're wrong.

**Both**: Together we're wroooooong! ♫

**P****en**: [*spoken*] *Wait! Wait, wait, before you leave me, I have something to say—*

**T****r****e****e**: *You are **totally** wrong!*

## Act VI deleted songs

### Vocalized TPOT intro (TPOT 36)

The **TPOT intro**, when played for the second time in "These Aren't the Peace Talks You're Looking For", would have had lyrics in it, sung by Profily after they claimed to be a part of the series. (They did the same thing in BFB.) This plan was scrapped in favour of Profily obnoxiously singing "la-la-la!" to the main melody. The following lyrics are new and have been freshly translated into Swedish, Profily's native language; the old ones have been lost to history (if they even existed at all).

**To the melody of**: "Gibberish" by Coal Bones (1984–85 version for late Act VI)
**Singer(s)**: Profily
**Voiced by**: Niall Burns
**Setting**: N/A
**Cue**:

**Pr****of****il****y**: ***I WAS IN THE INTRO!*** It's true. And all you have to do is look up!

**Reconstructed lyrics**

**Pr****of****il****y**: ♫ Jag är Profille, jag kommer från Sverige, ja,
 Men nu är jag här för att delta i din show.
 Du verkar inte gilla mej,
 Jag ansluter mej ändå, Två,
 Jag har alltid varit här (sedan första dan)! ♫

**Translated**:

I am Profily, I come from Sweden, yes,

But now I am here to participate in your show.

You don't seem to like me.

I'm joining anyway, Two.

I have always been here (since day one)!

### "Metropolis of Poo" (unknown episode)

"**Metropolis of Poo**" is a retro Schlager song that would have been given to Four and X as an explanation as to why they left "the city" to move somewhere. There were two problems with this: I didn't know where to put it *and* I decided to have Four and X stay in Los Angeles as late as 1985 (where we last saw them in "This Insvenska Thing").

Even if I did have a place for this song, I don't think I'd have used it in the first place. It's just so weird, even for this show.

**To the melody of**: "Acropolis, adieu" by Mireille Mathieu (1971)
**Singer(s)**: Four (featuring X)
**Voiced by**: Cary Huang, Michael Huang
**Setting**: *c.* 1985, unknown location
**Cue**: ?
**Full lyrics**

**Four**: ♫ The smog's a blanket over town

And every road is filled with cars.

What happened to those carefree lifestyles?

My disco beanbag hurts my arse.

Metropolis of poo, number gods!

This city life has gone too far

And I want out.

Pastoral air, embrace me—

Metropolis, eat poo.

I've got a plan to lose our house:

I'll fill the landlord's car with bees

So he can witness nature first-hand

While we fade out with awkward ease.

[*Enter* **X**.]

Metropolis of—

**Four** **&** **X**: Poo! **[** Number gods · Oh my Lord **]**!

This city life has gone too far

And I want out.

Pastoral air, embrace me—

Metropolis, eat poo.

**Four**: La la la la la la la. La la la la la la la.

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la—

**Four** **&** **X**: La!

[*now harmonizing*] La la la la la la la.

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,

La la la la la la la.

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

Metropolis of poo, **[** number gods · oh my Lord **]**!

This city life has gone too far

And I want out. (**X**: We want to leave this place!)

Pastoral air, embrace **[** me · us **]** (**Four**: I mean *us*)—

Metropolis, eat poo. (**X**: Like you're feasting at your final Cake at Stake!)

Metropolis, you're pooooooooooo! ♫

## Act VIII deleted songs

### "OwO Cake at Stake" (TPOT 43–TPOT 48)

The **Cake at Stake theme** for this act, the last one in the series, was going to be an original dance-pop theme which, just like the other themes before it, would have been sung by an unknown singer. Ultimately, the Act VIII Cake at Stake theme was an unchanged version of the last Cake at Stake theme from BFDI, "The Points Are Gone", in order to mimic the start of the series.

**To the melody of**: Original, though strongly resembling "Jimmy Dean" by Troll (1989)
**Singer(s)**: Unknown
**Setting**: 1988–1990, at the start of every Cake at Stake in the eighth act
**Cue**: N/A
**Reconstructed lyrics**

**Unknown voice**: ♫ Na, na, na [*etc.*]

Today let's have Cake at Stake,

Whoa, who-o-oh, Cake at Stake!

Pie was the first to go through this

In '73, remember that year?

After that happened, contestants,

Thinking hotel, they started to fear.

Who's it gonna be, who's it gonna be?

Eliminated...

Hope it isn't me, hope it isn't me...

At Cake at Stake!

Whoa, who-o-oh!

This is Cake at Stake,

Yeah, it's Cake at Stake,

Not a break, so wake

Up for Cake at Stake!

Someone's going home,

But we know they'll roam

Today after Cake at Stake!

Whoa, who-o-whoa, Cake at Stake!

From here on out it's eternal,

That just means they can't come back.

It doesn't mean they'll be trapped, though—

That rent is paid—the only hack.

Who's it gonna be, who's it gonna be?

Eliminated...

Hope it isn't me, hope it isn't me...

At Cake at Stake!

Whoa, who-o-oh!

Now make no mistake,

This is Cake at Stake,

Not a break, so wake

Up for Cake at Stake!

Someone's going home,

But we know they'll roam

Today after Cake at Stake!

Whoa, who-o-whoa, Cake at Stake! ♫

### "When Pencils and Pens Fall in Love" (TPOT 47b)

"**When Pencils and Pens Fall in Love**" is a traditional pop song that would have been featured in its entirety in "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner". In universe, the song—a duet between a man and a woman—was the song that Pencil and Pen first danced to when they began to develop feelings for each other during the filming of BFDI.

Although the lyrics were removed from the episode (because it was feared that it would become too long), the song was not completely deleted: It is played as background music at the end of the episode, albeit in instrumental form. The lyrics are listed below. (just not now)

**To the melody of**: "Skibet skal sejle i nat" by Birthe Wilke & Gustav Winckler (1957)
**Singer(s)**: Unknown (2)
**Setting**: Late 1950s or very early 1960s (between 1957 and 1962)
**Cue**:
TBD
### "I'd Like to Make an Object Show (Just Like BFDI)" (TPOT 48)

"**I'd Like to Make an Object Show (Just Like BFDI)**" was one of the songs from the early 1970s that I was thinking of parodying. It was meant to be placed during the end credits of the last episode of the series. Just like its second choice, "Brand New Non-Dull Object Show", it didn't make it into the final episode after it became clear that the credits of a series as long as *Fake TPOT* would have to be several minutes long.

Nevertheless, this was one of the songs I wanted to choose. I was inspired by *Mad Men*, whose finale ended with the same song. But then again, the song was already alluded to by Pencil in TPOT 24...

**To the melody of**: "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing (In Perfect Harmony)" by The New Seekers (1971)
**Singer(s)**: Unknown band
**Setting**: Early 1972 (before BFB 16 was released)
**Cue**: End credits
**Full lyrics**

*The light blue text in brackets refers to the other voices in the song that are outside the main melody.*

*Also, I feel like I should clarify something lest others get angry with me: This song doesn't make fun of all object show creators. Only the arrogant ones who think they're doing the Lord's work in the OSC, when in fact they're not making the slightest effort.*

**Unknown voice**: ♫ I'd like to have a show that brings

Me billions of views.

A show enjoyed around the world

That makes it to the news.

I'd like to make an object show (Object show)

Just like BFDI (I will copy them)

With characters you'll love to hate

And plots to make you cry.

The first thing I must do is choose

The objects who will play.

I'll write their names and genders too

And claim that they're all gay. (Rather tell than show)

The name of this new object show (*Inanimate* umm... / An original name)

I can't reveal right now. (Oh yeah, do-do-do-do)

I've got ten choices; all are bad—

Now this I won't allow. (I have high standards)

La la la la

Do do do do do do

Ah ah ah ah

La da la la la

I'd like this show to be a hit

To make my dear mum proud.

I don't expect just her to watch;

I'll have a massive crowd. (I'm so popular)

Should this be like a game show or (Like *Survivor* but cool)

A drama-filled sitcom? (Maybe angsty)

Oh, I know!—I'll make a joke show, then

I'll watch the ratings bomb. (What a lot of work)

There's so much more to think about (I *am* the OSC)

Like whom to cast and such, (Hollywood stars)

Elimination, prizes too

And assets—that's too much! (This is too much work)

Well, there's three things I'll never do: (I'll never do, oh / Why will no one sign up?)

Voice, write or animate. (No, I won't do that)

Three little things I'll never do: (That's not my job, oh)

Voice, write or animate. (Why should I do that? La la la la)

[*Fade out.*]

So ends the world's best object show, (Oh...)

Too good to be created... (OSC master...) ♫

### "Brand New Non-Dull Object Show" (TPOT 48)

"**Brand New Non-Dull Object Show**" was the other song that was also cut for the finale, although the lyrics remain. It should be noted that these songs, along with "My, My, What a BFDI" (the song I ultimately chose) were all very popular at the end of 1971 and in the first half of 1972, when BFB 16 was released.

These songs were chosen because they serve as a throwback to a time when TPOT was brand new; they would take older viewers back to the exact moment they discovered that BFB would be split and TPOT would eventually become a thing, even though the early 1970s were long gone by 1990.

This song did appear in the finale, though, albeit as part of the BFB contestants' medley sung before Cake at Stake (with unaltered lyrics).

**To the melody of**: "Brand New Key" by Melanie (1971)
**Singer(s)**: Two (here voiced by Melanie Safka)
**Setting**: March 1972, right after the split
**Cue**: End credits
**Full lyrics**

**Two**: ♫ I know you're kind of adjusted to your old show,

But which direction do they want you to go?

So here's my chance to clear things up with you:

Leave your silly game and join *The Power of Two*!

Well, I've got a brand new non-dull object show, people from BFB.

I think you'll have a better time if you quit and went with me.

Tell me what you could gain more from than winning T-P-O-T?

Oh, I've got a power that's worth fightin' for—why stay in BFB?

I'll turn your john into a big five-star hotel,

Take you away from that Four's living hell.

You may find me rather smug, but that's just the way Two rolls—

My boundless powers rival even Black Hole's, oh, yeah!

Yeah, Two, yeah yeah yeah

Two yeah yeah yeah, Two yeah, Two yeah.

I ask one more time: Will you come along?

Seize the chance to make yourself strong.

Oh, it's a new year, or season (if you choose);

Win *The Power of Two* and there's no way you could lose!

Well, I've got a brand new non-dull object show, people from BFB.

I think you'll have a better time if you quit and went with me.

La la la la la la la la, la la la la la la

Oh, I've got a power you could battle for—say bye to BFB! ♫

## Songs from an unknown act

### "Have You Heard the News?" (unknown episode)

"**Have You Heard the News?**" is a song intended for the musical *TPOT in Song*, but initially it was thought that it would be good if it were introduced in one of the actual episodes. However, the song was never featured in the 1973–1990 series, as no suitable place for it could be found apart from a potential prequel to TPOT (hence the reference to the BFB split happening "one year ago"). Some lyrics survive.

**To the melody of**: "Amboß-Polka" by Heino (1980)
**Singer(s)**: Chorus
**Voiced by**: The Yoyly Carte (Jacknjellify's in-house opera chorus)
**Setting**: ?
**Cue**: ?
**Partial lyrics**

*The first two verses correspond to the video linked above until the 0:28 mark, the last three from 2:21.*

**Chorus**: ♫ Have you heard the news?

One year ago, a series started,

Sending to their own buffoonery

Fourteen contestants we once knew.

Friendships missing, old hosts hissing—

That's what happened in that rather

Awkward phase right after

B-F-B split into two. ♫

[...]

**Chorus**: ♫ Now you know the news:

One year ago, a series started,

Sending sixteen people we once knew

Into their own buffoonery.

We're not being selfish, no,

Because the power Two will give

To one of us will make things better

Than in B-F-B.

Two's a knave, no doubt about it;

Rest assured, we knew that this would

Happen when we took the plunge

And joined T-P-O-T.

Old B-F-B, farewell to thee! ♫

## Notes

1. ↑ And the author considers this one of his best songs that he wishes was actually in the episode. [*sighs*]
2. ↑ Or, "Why I Don't Ship Tren in the Long Run Even Though I'd Like to See Them Together in *Real TPOT*".
3. ↑ The song was meant to be performed as a Distant Duet, that is, from two locations, where the two can still (somehow) hear each other. Just like "This Grill Is Not a Home" from *SpongeBob*.
4. ↑ This is a tribute to the Italian dub of TPOT 1. The intro of that translation also had lyrics.
5. ↑ Whose Cake at Stake theme was, of course, the "Da-da-da-da-da-da Cake at Stake!" jingle.
6. ↑ The melody is different, but you can sing the lyrics to the original. *Cf.* "The Wicked Song" from *Gumball*, which sounds an awful lot like "My Favourite Things".

**Fake TPOT** [V]