PT 013: Xho and Carfine in Therapy

USS Adventure06/05/2020

She guides you inside.

Xho06/05/2020

... I would like to wait until I'm alone to cry, but it seems that isn't possible. And hasn't been for quite some time.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Aevarnis: "I don't think this guilt is a new feeling, is it?"

Xho06/05/2020

No.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Aevarnis: "...Breea, can you get Carfine for us, please?"

[9:39 PM]

Breea: "I am not a gofer for--"

[9:39 PM]

Aevarnis: "Cadet...would you please bring up Carfine?"

Xho06/05/2020

...

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Breea disappears and is replaced by Carfine who does seem uncomfortable.

[9:41 PM]

Aevarnis: "Xho...do you have anything to ask the real Carfine?"

Xho06/05/2020

No. I apologize, however.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Carfine: "...I apologize. I...this is what I deserve."

Xho06/05/2020

It is *not.*

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Carfine: "...the explosion was my fault."

[9:44 PM]

Carfine: "I...the pressure was too high. I thought if I could blow the training center they'd have to just...call it."

[9:45 PM]

Carfine: "...I didn't expect it to get that big."

Xho06/05/2020

... what?

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Carfine: "...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Xho06/05/2020

...but *why*? You were ahead of everyone. All you had to do was maintain your position.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Carfine: "It was taking everything I had to do that. I felt like at any moment I was gonna slip and fall behind. I couldn't get that far and then not be the first Drow in Planefleet. I couldn't disappoint people like that."

Xho06/05/2020

... even if you had lost, you could simply have waited for the exams to open to the next classes. It was only ten years!

USS Adventure06/05/2020

He nods. "I know...I've...had a lot of time to think on it."

[9:50 PM]

Carfine: "...I...I'm sorry."

[9:50 PM]

Aevarnis: "...Carfine...you didn't cause the explosion."

[9:51 PM]

Aevarnis: "I've had files on the incident. You did try to sabotage the chamber...but the resulting chain reaction was investigated and could not have been caused by what you did."

[9:52 PM]

Aevarnis: "You're both dealing with trauma. In the wake of forces beyond your control, you are trying to find ways to blame yourselves to reassert that control."

[9:52 PM]

Aevarnis: "But that isn't helping you now."

Xho06/05/2020

I find it hard to imagine anything that *could* help at this point.

[9:55 PM]

I do feel I ought to resign, but it may be more responsible to wait until we are safely home.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Carfine: "You can't resign!"

[9:57 PM]

Carfine: "I don't want you to."

[9:57 PM]

Carfine: "And neither do they! I've seen them interact with you at every step."

Xho06/05/2020

I am not sure how that's relevant.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Aevarnis: "Why should you resign?"

Xho06/05/2020

I failed to notice *nine people* in distress around me for a decade.

[9:58 PM]

Cadets and colleagues.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Aevarnis: "So did Planefleet's top medics and counselors with varying degrees of arcane knowledge who all met with you at one point or another."

[9:59 PM]

Aevarnis: "All of whom were in better position to find them than you were."

Xho06/05/2020

I should have understood from the memories and the thoughts that weren't mine.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Aevarnis: "Are you a trained diviner or dream analyst?"

Xho06/05/2020

No, but I ought at least to have tried.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Aevarnis: "Would you say that if the roles were reversed? If you were inside Cadet Carfine?"

Xho06/05/2020

... perhaps not the *optimal* phrasing, given the circumstances. I don't know.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Aevarnis blushes. "Apologies."

[10:03 PM]

Aevarnis: "Again, I think you are maybe attempting to deal with trauma and loss by taking blame that's not yours. You could've, in fact, done nothing in that situation. Just as they could not."

[10:04 PM]

Aevarnis: "You resigning from Planefleet will not get Cadet Carfine in the position you feel should be in. It will not revive any of them. And, most importantly, it will not relieve you of any guilt."

[10:05 PM]

Aevarnis: "I cannot tell you what to do or how to feel, but I can tell you that hiding from this will not make it go away."

Xho06/05/2020

*rubs her eyes again.*

[10:06 PM]

I will at least wait, in that case.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Aevarnis: "And Carfine, you and the others cannot get your lives back. I am sure you realize this. But I will happily try and help you move forward."

[10:07 PM]

Carfine nods.

[10:08 PM]

Breea returns and replaces Carfine. "............I'm....sorry I got mad at you."

Xho06/05/2020

It was extremely understandable.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Breea: "Yeah...but like...also not really."

Xho06/05/2020

I am very sorry about the situation. Had I realized sooner, I would have been... significantly more careful about everything.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Breea: "Yeah, I know."

Xho06/05/2020

I wish I had known.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Aevarnis: "...I think maybe we should all meet up regularly to discuss this. As a group."

[10:12 PM]

Aevarnis: "Would you agree, Commander?"

Xho06/05/2020

*sighs.*

[10:14 PM]

Yes, I suppose so.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Aevarnis: "Therapy does not need to be torture. It can be hard, but it is...cleansing, if done at the right pace in the right way."

[10:15 PM]

Aevarnis: "Our brains tell us to flee from pain like this. But if we do that, it can never actually heal."

Xho06/05/2020

I will cooperate.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Aevarnis sighs. "Very well, Commander."

Xho06/05/2020

It is not your fault, I just do not *like* it.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Aevarnis: "I'm not really asking you to like it. I'm asking you to be open to it, though. Which is more than just compliance."

Xho06/05/2020

I will do my best.

[10:20 PM]

... it could hardly be worse than last time.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Aevarnis: "Look at it this way. This time, you won't be alone."

Xho06/05/2020

Regrettably.

[10:23 PM]

It is *very embarrassing* to face any of them knowing they have been with me every minute for the past decade. And very uncomfortable.

USS Adventure06/05/2020

Breea: "Not entirely comfortable for us either."

Xho06/05/2020

I imagine not.