Crash of United Express Flight 3411

Volverick the Clown

Alex Jones

The Whig Party

The crash of United Express Flight 3411 was a national tragedy that cost the lives of Hillary Clinton, Volverick the Clown, and hundreds more: of the 350 passengers on board the flight, Whig Party nominee Ted Cruz was the only one to survive. This has resulted in the widely believed conspiracy theory accusing Cruz of intentionally causing the crash in order to eliminate his inner-party rival, Hillary Clinton. Tensions were high after the event, with Cruz being subjected to various forms of harassment and abuse, mostly by members within his own party, such as repeated slanderous YouTube videos posted by Clintonite propagandist Alex Jones, and an incident in which Cruz was tarred and feathered by Hillary Clinton's husband, Bill Clinton. A 2016 Gallup Poll revealed that 70% of Americans believe Ted Cruz caused the crash out of honor for Emperor Hirohito, who died when Cruz was 19 - it's been alleged that Cruz has participated in over sixteen kamikaze missions.

## The Incident

   On June 23rd, 2016, just 8 days before the primary election, Cruz and Clinton boarded United Express Flight 3411 to attend the second in a trilogy of Whig Party debates in Richmond, Virginia. Tragedy struck when, at 11:34 P.M., the plane crashed into the George Washington and Jefferson National Forest, igniting a major forest fire which left rescue teams unable to reach the plane. For two hours, firefighters battled the inferno, eventually clearing way for rescue teams to reach the wreckage of the plane - no survivors were present, and teams had to abandon the plane when firefighters requested they evacuate after the gas tank of the aircraft caught fire; after the problem was dealt with, rescue teams once more boarded the plane, where they found nothing but a pair of suit pants crammed into the toilet. Rescue patrolman Gary Thomas was interviewed on scene of the crash by CNN reporter Jack Daniels. When asked, "Do you think this crash was foul play?", Thomas responded, "No, it wasn't. I say, this was an act of terrorism, a very carefully orchestrated crash done with a political motive and with the intention of achieving a distinct political goal. What was this goal? We don't know. But curiously, in the cockpit, we found the smoldering metal remains of what appears to be a machine gun of some sort. This couldn't have been an accident - somebo-"

Just as he the words were about to escape his mouth, the sound of a high-powered sniper rifle rang through the air, and Thomas was struck in the head by a 7.7 mm rifle round, the likes of which would be used by a Type 97 rifle. Nobody would ever know what Thomas was about to say.

Within two days, the fire had been thoroughly put out, and it truly appeared that there were no survivors of the crash. A funeral service was arranged for Clinton, but not for Cruz; it was to take place the very next day, on June 26th.

### Cruz's Return

At 11:30 A.M. on June 26th - just five days before the primaries - Clinton's funeral procession was slated to march from Richmond to her home city, Chicago, her scorched remains in an open casket tied to the top of her dad's Hummer. It was at the very beginning in Richmond when the head of the procession crossed by a bush and a bearded and naked Cruz emerged from the depths of the shrub, howling and dancing.

"Civilization! I have found civilization at last!" he cried, prancing about. The mourning supporters of Clinton were mortified, both by Cruz's disheveled appearance and by the fact that he was the sole survivor of the crash - something fishy was going on. However, instead of confronting him verbally, the funeral procession turned into an angry mob, and within seconds, the malnourished and dehydrated Cruz had been beaten, spat on, and arrested; however, due to the arrest having no merit or point behind it, he was released six days later, having watched his victory in the primaries from jail, giving an infamous interview in which he began to cry when Whig Party reporters refused to pay his bail and then called him a "coldblooded killer of Clinton" and "Japanese imperialist" before throwing a pie in his face and telling him he'd just been "Whigged".

## Theories and Speculation

Immediately after he was discovered as the only survivor of the crash, Whig Party propagandist and Clinton supporter, Alex Jones, spawned a widespread conspiracy emerged that Cruz was directly responsible for UEF 3411. While the conspiracy varied in nature, the major components of the theory were generally as follows:

* Cruz was armed aboard the plane with a firearm, likely a machine gun, which he used to force the pilots into grounding the plane
* Cruz crashed the plane for the sake of executing his political rival, Hillary Clinton
* Gary Thomas was killed by a Type 97 rifle, the same kind used by the Japanese during WWII
* Cruz was watching anime on the on-board movie player
* Four minutes before the crash, Cruz called a phone contact labeled "The Samurai" and told him he was "about to unleash a new Pearl Harbor with an intensity that burned hotter than the Rising Sun."

Cruz has refused to speak about the overall incident but has maintained that the theory is "more or less incorrect".