Chapter 1: Remy The Roaster Goes To School

The very first chapter of Remy The Roaster, ripe with unnecessary tense changes and syntax errors. This chapter is in fact a prequel of sorts to the original prototype and acts a recount of events that took place at least 40 years prior to the original.

## Characters Featured

* Remy
* Bert
* Murray Finch
* Mr Simone
* Riot Cops

## Locations Featured

* Leeds
* North Leeds Primary Academy
* Leeds Central Park

## Content

[t] It was Remy’s first day in 5th grade and Remy was very excited! He starts off his day by going into wood and design. Remy is without friends and knows well that he must find himself a strong, strong, busty Bert to help protect him from the school’s local gang of bullies. [s] As he thinks about Bert and her lovely hips, Murray Finch; the school bully, appears from behind a nearby locker wielding two crowbars.

"Yo Rems!” He spoke in a thick Jamaican accent, “Wanna go help me smash up the teacher’s cars?”

Remy nodded and whipped out a [t] Squeezy Cheezy Pickle Popper Lolly Pop Stick Of Rock. “Iwill be using this to smash in the teacher’s cars headlamps,” whispered Remy to Murray Finch, who had started to pace it down the road. Remy followed and discovered he had been lured into a bully’s trap. Murray laughed a lot and stuffed Remy in the trunk of the car!!

[s] Remy spent the next 4 weeks of his life in the trunk of that 4-7 series Bison-Tucker Zipcart X-Treme*,* sure, he wanted to get out! But at the sametime, it was so goddamn cosy in there! Three times every day Murray would come by and feed a Lancaster Hot-Slice of Spiff’s Trenchmeatinto the car trunk and Remy would lap it up like a hot bowl of [t] poo.

Eventually, Murray forgives Remy and lets him out of the car trunk. Remy tells Bert where he has been for the last 4 weeks and Bert kills Murray with a blunt pencil. Remy returns to his woodcraft lesson and cracks open his lunch. Inside is a Jelly Tumble Bar and a Wosinje. Remy starts eating when he notices that [s] the teacher is watching him. An elderly gent with a full beard and no glasses.

“Remy, can I have some of your sandwich?” Asks the teacher politely. Remy puts down his woodcraft dildo and breaks into song. All of the kids join in and sing a beautiful hymn as the teacher -‘Mr Simone’- delicately pecks at some crumbs on the floor. All the kids watch as Bert is escorted out back by armed riot cops and shot in the back of the head 4 times. The biggest one of the riot cops says, “let that be a lesson to you” and lets Bert off with 2 ASD’s.

[t] Remy stops singing and scuttles off to the school bathroom department. Remy gets his school diary signed so that he is allowed to collect his toilet token. Remy enters the toilet and is met by the stench of soggy turts and farts. Remy opens a cubical door and is met by a sweaty Bert. Remy tries to escape but Bert grabs Remy by the balls and yanks him into the cubical, “Why did you grass me up you fat bastard?” asked Bert. Remy opened his mouth to but before he can complain, [s] Bert begins drowning him in a bidet. Remy can taste the mouldy ballsack and creamy cheese-sundae like he were eating it in a 5-star restaurant. It was at this moment onwards that Remy realises he wants to be a chef. Bert takes off her skirt and snorkel and cracks out a steamy loaf on Remy’s back. Remy can smell the loaf, but he doesn’t care. Remy has found his destiny!!! Bert begins rigorously [t] pulling on the toilet door as the marching of the riot cops can be heard marching down the corridor. Bert panics and jumps out of the window. The toilet door is on the third floor but Bert doesn’t give a shit. Remy does up his flyer and sprints back to wood design as fast as a little roaster can run. Remy trips on a stone but he keeps running. He resists the temptation of buying food and keeps on running. Faster and faster he runs, but he makes it just in time.

Mr Simone asks for Remy’s lunch. Remy declines but Mr Simone pulls a pubby dog face and pleads a lot. Remy unwillingly [s] buys him a Tillmans watercress slice with all of his pocket money. The transaction is completed as Remy unloads the delicious pasty into Mr Simone’s pouch.

“Thanks kiddo” says Mr Simone, hugging Remy, “I would have starved without you.”

Remy and Mr Simone sit on a bench in the park all through the evening, chatting about woodwork and beards. Suddenly, Remy remembers his destiny and tells Mr Simone. Mr Simone chuckles and sits on Remy’s lap, running his fingers through his hair. “Remy, my boy, I have courage that you will go far in anything you put yourself to.”

Remy files the adoption papers and moves in with Mr Simone, his new father.

## Key

[s]= Denotes Spubby switching to scribe

[t]= Denotes Tiddy switching to scribe