Behind the scenes

more on character archetypes and dynamics.

"they were just archetypes initially! literature has a ton of character archetypes and i wanted to play around with some of my favorites as well as some story ideas i'd seen other people do but i wanted to try my own hand at

## misc

~~i'll sort this out later~~

in terms of characte creation, first came Lizzie and Carson, next Sasha and Luke, then the twins, and finally Blair.
C: mine are very goody goody,,, i try to think of quirks that would help people relate to them, and they're all soft-hearted, but with noticeable insecurities. their insecurities tend to be what makes people relate to them, or at least that's what i hope for.
E: i actually really like that they're so goody-goody. they're so soft. it makes me feel at home, like they're people i'd actually want to be friends with
C: i'm glad!!!!! that's what i was aiming for with these kids,,, they're genuinely just all sweethearts with a lot of troubles but who want to do good by their friends and themselves
E: that's why i love them! they love each other so much. i love their love

## Lizzie

Inspiration: the Tortoise (The Tortoise and the Hare), Jamie Sullivan (A Walk to Remember)

"i wanted the 'anxious girl has a coming-of-age story where she seeks independence' baseline" --Cas, 2017/08/02

"i wanted right from the start to write about the child of a late soldier and that his death would affect her greatly." "for that, i remember watching films or reading works about a soldier dying and the funeral would have their child (usually a son) being told by their father's squadmen and family how brave they are for not crying and how brave they need to be now that he's gone and, well, i wanted to explore[...] what happens to the child afterward." --Cas, chat log 2017/05/29

"grief shouldn't and doesn't have a number" "i've never liked the 'that was x years ago, you should be over it by now!' attitude" --Cas, chat log 2017/05/29

Lizzie is intended to be younger than the rest of the cast so that she would have less life experience.

On her name: "Elizabeth" is elegant and old, but "Lizzie" is short and homey. Lizzie's mother always wanted some elegance in her daughter, as did Lizzie's aunt, but Lizzie was always too awkward as a child.

She used to be a Virgo.

Lizzie is polite and reserved, and soft-spoken. some people would view this as her being uppity and timid

after Gabriel's death, in the first draft Lizzie's mother turned to alcohol and that was meant to be the reason for her neglect. in the current draft she just fell into a severe depression. as a result, Lizzie had a more negative view on drug addiction, which caused her some internal conflict when she met Sasha. and part of Lou’s interactions with Lizzie would have referenced that she was attending AA meetings and telling Lizzie about them in an attempt to reconcile with her daughter. her aunt’s criticisms of her mother would have involved her demeaning Lizzie’s mother for her addiction as well.

## Carson

#### Inspiration/Concept

* One of the inspirations for Carson's character is the Hare (The Tortoise and the Hare).
* "mellow extrovert" based somewhat off childhood friend, housemate
* Cas also wanted a love interest character who was a polar opposite to the main heroine, to create a dynamic that can be described as "opposites attract" yet not so different beneath surface appearances.
* The character's name was originally Ashley. Then it was Alex, Casey, Aubrey (which turned into her mom's name), Caden, Mackenzie (which turned into her last name), Taylor...
​​​​​However, Cas wanted a name that "sounded really obnoxious." While looking through lists of boys' names for Luke and Ethan, they saw "Carson." While they found it obnoxious for a boy, it was "oddly endearing" for a girl. This was fitting, as Carson is meant to come across a little obnoxious at first, and as a "blunderhead jock." Therefore, Carson's name was chosen for its gender ambiguity and because it seemed uncommon.
* Jupiter (*We Know the Devil*): she and Carson are Aces but also anxious people and reluctant leaders. Jupiter also dresses similarly to Carson. <2018/10/25>​​​​​

#### Development

Carson was a difficult character to develop.

1. "in some ways it's really easy to understand her [Carson], in other ways it's completely not. and part of it is that the story is from Lizzie's POV, so Carson is always going to be more difficult to pin down because of Lizzie's preconceptions"
2. the other part is that Carson is hardwired to the athlete's mentality: "the need to be the best in physical activities at a severe cost to one's mental wellbeing"

#### Misc. Quotes

##### re: emotional repression/expression

"eventually it happens with Lizzie in the way she buries her face in Lizzie's shoulder, in the way she holds her tightly, almost bone-crushingly tight, in the way her voice is rough and taut and heartbroken with love, in how small and whisper-soft when she's afraid, in the way when she's allowed to laugh loudly, unafraid, when she's allowed to be /big and passionate
it happens so closely with Sasha too... certain moments, particularly when they were so close, when their love brimmed just underneath their surfaces..."
--Cas, chat log 2017/08/01
re: existential angst
contentmint: it will be so interesting watching Lizzie piece it together as she gets to know Carson
duskcastle: yes!! that's one of my favorite things about their relationship, writing Lizzie figuring out all of the depths Carson has, unlocking all the secrets,,,

## Carson and Lizzie

"the most basic of how i came up with their characters was really just... 'introvert meets extravert and falls in love' ... that's it, that was their base model "

The author also found appeal in the combination of the "cuddly and sturdy" types.

contentmint: i find it ironic that despite being based on the tortoise and the hare, the way Lizzie and Carson developed ended up being anxious/twitchy and calm/steady. it feels a little backwards! :p
duskcastle: that's true,,,, tho i like to believe they eventually evolve into those roles more so - Lizzie learning how to find confidence in herself and becoming a stronger, steadier person and Carson finding the ambition and drive of life in herself again, and to allow her emotional state to move again
the book spins the folk tale on its head but i still love how it references it

## Carson's Friends

Lizzie and Carson are the main characters, so they came first. then Sasha came about because she was meant to be Carson's best friend, then Luke and the others came about because...<??? i don't know if i have an answer to this yet>

i just thought "well ok but Carson is a pretty dedicated athlete and don't they have like... athlete friends to do athlete things with?? oh and wouldn't she actually be on a team in college? i'll just give her another athlete friend... oh but what if that friend has a brother? and actually it'd make sense for Sasha to be an athlete too if she and Carson are friends and Carson's supposed to be the person who mostly keeps to herself?" and so on and so forth lol

1. "wait but who are the other kids on the track and field team and why doesn't Carson hang out with them"
2. Luke came up out of "wait Sasha's a bit of a social butterfly so why is Carson her /only/ close friend???"
3. Blair came up purely for a "hmm i kind of want to imply that Mia's gay somehow............... here's her best friend whom she's almost always with, who has a bit of an obvious crush that Mia reciprocates!" it was meant to be ambiguous at first but by now they're pretty gay for each other now (chat log 2017/02/07)

## Sasha

(it'd be good to figure out the chronology of Sasha's development as a character.)

### Concept

Archetype: "party girl that's traumatized deep down"

* "in the original draft, Buffy was a big inspiration for Sasha's character. before the series, Buffy was a normal, popular cheerleader - cue dramatic rapid change in her life, a spread of wild rumors, and she's suddenly a social outcast. i mirrored that premise in Sasha's character because i liked the fact that Buffy was a seemingly sunny humorous girl who turned out to have a lot of baggage" <2017/08/16>
	+ Buffy Summers (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), in that she began in relatively high social standing as a popular cheerleader, then experienced a "fall from grace."
	+ Mary Jane Watson (Spider-Man)
* Rinoa Heartilly (Final Fantasy 8)

### Pre-Sasha

*"'Hands Held High' gave me inspiration for transitioning pre!Sasha to current!Sasha" --Cas, 2019/04/16*

From conception to the original draft to the current draft, Sasha has arguably undergone the most drastic changes out of the main cast. The early version of her character is referred to as "pre-Sasha" and is considered virtually a separate character. Also known as *pre!Sasha*, *original flavor!Sasha*, she's the earliest incarnation of Sasha Rodriguez.

### History

pre!Sasha didn't have the positive influences that current!Sasha does: she doesn't change schools, nor do her parents send her to rehab because she never OD'd. pre!Sasha was very much still addicted, and the incident that instigated her drug addiction was a sexual assault.

### Personality and Traits

"pre!Sasha was a lot more chameleon-like, and more emotionally manipulative than her current form is, tho i don't mean that in necessarily a bad way. but she was good at directing conversations and people in a way that she wanted, which made it really difficult for Carson to figure out her motives and wants. she liked to sway people toward her point of view, with either flattery or tricky wording.

"i didn't feel like it suits her personality in the current timeline. she still has shades of this, but they're much more toned down post-overdose. this was a natural progression of her personality becoming more open and honest, even if she is still heavily repressed" --Cas, 2019

Sasha was originally conceived as Carson's only friend. A side character who comes off to other characters as "eccentric and giddy," a result of being scatterbrained due to her ADHD (something the reader isn't aware of until much later in the book, but Sasha just didn't show up often enough to hold a lot of significance).

what's changed most is how she acts in a crowd vs how she acts around a small group of people. she's less cautious about herself, more careless and reckless? current!Sasha, while still very outgoing and social, is just more careful of herself and of others. she’s always trying to be friendly but she can tell when people don’t reciprocate and she respects that distance. she can also sense more when people mean to do her harm.

pre!Sasha tends to put on more of a show in crowds vs small groups. climbing on top of a kitchen island and chugging a 40 in her introduction is meant to show that, when it comes to a large crowd in a room, she immediately strives to be in the spotlight. current!Sasha doesn’t do that. it’s not that she dislikes the spotlight, it’s just she doesn’t feel the need or desire to capture it. i would say current!Sasha has mellowed out a lot more. she used to like the spotlight - she was a cheerleader after all. but going from one of the best cheerleaders to a druggy and having a lot of insidious rumors spread around you and overdosing... mellowed her out a lot.

#### Similarities to Aurora James (*Gangsters in Love*)

* "wild card" archetype/personality
* flirty and struggling with a severe addiction
* [Aurora James (*Gansters in Love*)] has a lot of the same energy and gung-ho attitude i imagine Sasha having, tho the largest difference is that Sasha's sober and Rory isn't"
* current Sasha is more subdued purely because she's sober. that's honestly the biggest difference. not a casanova anymore. overall a calmer character.

"my original draft of Sasha was more rebellious and a bigger party girl and always skirting the wrong tracks. the current Sasha i'm writing right now was mostly a good girl who fell into peer pressure. the newer characterization is more fitting. her original draft was a bit too dark"

### Appearance

* physical brown eyes, olive skin, dark hair down to her shoulders
	+ C: influence? all of the sunny vibrant and extraverted Latinas i know are fond of having highlights in their hair lol and this way it was a visual marker. i liked the idea of Sasha having highlights in her hair to reference her usual sunny disposition, while having visible dark roots as a symbol that she has darker depths
	E: it makes Sasha look like she has this like. grungy too-cool-to-care look, even though that might not be what she's aiming for :p
	C: current/post-addiction she does come off more grunge! "too cool to care" is what i wanted lol
* Style of dress: semi-grunge style, wore more red?
* Prominent features or distinguishing marks: Pre-Sasha has even more tattoos than Sasha. She has the large one on her back, the two on her wrists, plus one of a golden eagle with a snake on her left shoulder blade, another of a quetzal on her right hip, one of a cross on her right hand, and the one of a butterfly on her left cheek.

### Relationship with Carson

"i've always wanted to play with the seemingly carefree but internally troubled girl to the seemingly steady and undeterred but emotionally vulnerable girl"

"for Sasha, i've just always liked creating characters that are at face value, carefree, cheerful, energetic, and sunny, but with a lot of layers to them. for Carson, i wanted the type of character who i guess... on first glance people would say she's mellow, straightforward, and not much more than that, but there's a lot of layers to her too. if i had to simplify it, Sasha is the playful wind to Carson's mountain." --Cas, chat log 2017/05/13
pre!Sasha was also more flirty than current!Sasha, specifically before her OD attempt. which tended to catch Carson off guard. but when Sasha starts falling for Carson her ease with flirting becomes decidedly less easy for her, which frustrates her to no end. she gets a lot more flustered when she starts crushing on Carson, not that Carson notices at first... which also frustrates Sasha. "oh my god how do i get it thru this dork's head that i want to kiss her stupidly cute face"

so her frustration is two-fold: that she can't flirt as effectively because she has a big dumb crush on this big dumb jock, *and* that said big dumb jock doesn't notice said big dumb crush

"oh my god why do i like her!!!" - sasha
carson does something nice for her
"oh my god why doesn't EVERYONE like her!!!" - also sasha

Carson just... touches Sasha gently... and Sasha falls head over heels for her. Sasha isn't used to people being so genuine; when someone likes her it's because they usually want something from her. Carson just wants to know her, and Sasha isn't used to people just wanting *her*. she just gets so giddy sometimes about how sweet and gentle Carson is, how Carson makes her want to be more open and honest about her feelings...
"Carson/Sasha was originally not a thing yes! beyond Sasha sporting a mild crush on Carson"

"why i made it? i don't... actually know,,, originally i just had it for an AU idea and purely because i like exploring different dynamics between the relationships of the nerds. and in canon, Carson and Sasha are meant to be close and i wanted to explore that. then one night i just had the idea of "what if they had feelings for each other?" because i like what ifs and i'm terribly fond of my nerds"  --Cas, chat log 2017/07/16

"i made them!!! i set myself up for heartbreak,,, orz ever since i had the vague "oh i wonder what Carson/Sasha would be like" in the early drafts,,, i hate myself lol" ... "yes,,, i sort of hate myself for not making them canon but at the same time part of them being not canon is what makes it so good for me,,, and then i hate myself for not making it canon,,, the cycle,,," <2018/05/24> (ooh the painnn)

### Name

* Cas considered several names, including Sonya, Luce, Esperanza, Rafaela, and Angela, before settling on Sasha for its "fun" sound.
* Cas liked the first name of Sasha la Fleur from *All Dogs Go to Heaven 2*, and named her the same to evoke the image of a "tough and spunky lady." La Fleur's personality was what Cas considered for an older and more cynical Sasha, in the initial draft.
* "now if only i could remember Sasha's last name orz" --Cas, chat log 2016/02/14

### Sexuality & Relationships

* Sasha, like all of Carson's friends, was originally meant to be straight.
	+ "every guy i meet is either a jackass, a pervert, creepy, not single but hitting on me anyways, or not into me. why? i'm GORGEOUS for goodness sake" --Sasha, 2016/01/01
* February 11, 2016 was Sasha's Gay Awakening. That is to say, the day Cas expressed an interest in giving her a girlfriend. ~~Ellis cackled in the distance.~~

* + "it would make her attempts to befriend Lizzie that much cuter" --Cas, chat log 2016/02/11
	+ "i can spot homo feelings a mile away" --Sasha
	+ "Sasha's the type of character who would, without shame, proudly proclaim that out of the whole group, Carson and Blair are the type of friends you have lowkey crushes on... or maybe Sasha just has lowkey crushes on everyone" --Cas, chat log 2016/02/11
	+ ​​​​​​"oh i can't figure out Sasha's type, i'll just make her fall in love with everyone"​ --Cas, chat log 2016/02/11
	+ fastforward to 2019, when Mia is the group's heartthrob, and Sasha and Carson have a bittersweet painful history. lol.
	+ "So I Thought" in Carson's second playlist is a Carson/Sasha song
	i injected it from the very beginning, when i realized how much i wanted to make Sasha gay
	well when you first asked me about her yes lol, i had pretty much decided "ok but what if she was gay yes ok"

## Carson/Sasha Relationship

"i had it in my head in the background for the longest time,,, even tho i had Sasha as straight in the beginning, i still had the urge to make her gay. and also i liked The Suffering" -Cas, 2019/04/27
One major difference between this initial draft and the current draft is that Sasha is not yet in recovery, she's even more of a social butterfly in the first timelines than she is currently, and Carson is shyer and less self-assured than her canon college-age self. she has social anxiety, which shows up as being amicable but quiet around new people, and teenage Carson is most definitely more socially anxious than college!Carson. a lot of her anxiety had to do with Joshua's death and being transferred

their relationship was more "ambiguous," largely because Sasha is more chaotic and Carson is thus more intimidated by her. so the relationship is unsteady between them. in the current draft, Sasha feels drawn to Carson because of her rock steady nature and Carson feels drawn to Sasha because of her chaotic energy.

Around six months after their first meeting, Sasha is at her lowest point since she met Carson. Sasha has her 16th birthday, and Carson gives her a heart-shaped locket. It brings Sasha to tears, because nobody has ever given her such a corny (sweet) gift. She puts in it a photo of her and Carson; Carson doesn't know this. In the current timeline, i'm unsure of when she gives it to Sasha, just that Sasha already has it by the first book

In the current timeline, Sasha had already done some healing on her own, and had Luke as her support pillar prior to meeting Carson - so she already had some level of stability to her person. in contrast, in the first drafts, Carson was the first person Sasha met of the group, and she was still on a downward spiral.

Instead of Sasha transferring to Luke's high school, she meets him in college. He introduces himself because he thinks she's cute (remember, they were supposed to be Straight at first). Carson & Sasha & Luke become a unit in college. Luke also has a crush on Mia at first.
The rest of the timeline goes the same (?).

### The timeline where Carson transfers to Luke's school

when Sasha tried to go to prom and couldn't handle the pressure, despite really wanting to dance, Carson dances with her at home. she was very excited about it... since transferring she struggled so hard to make friends and never got to the point of social butterflyness she once was... she wanted her high school years to go out with a bang at a big fun party. but when she gets there it’s just so much and it’s a big reminder of how her first taste of drugs was at a party.... it’s one big trigger for her.
Carson takes her home... Sasha is so resentful and full of grief in that moment... but if Sasha wanted to have one last dance, Carson can give it to her... so what if there’s no lights, confetti, balloons, a big crowd... they can still dance to their own music... at that point Sasha realizes she is very much in love.

wait no this is one of the other timelines. in the original, Sasha doesn’t transfer, Carson does. in one of the middle timelines Carson actually attends Luke’s high school.
this scene does happen in the original timeline too tho! it’s just he trigger is even worse because all of Sasha’s ex friends are there...

## Luke

* The original concept for his character was to give Sasha, a social butterfly, another friend besides Carson. He is meant to be comic relief, having lighter emotional burdens than his cast mates.
* On his name: "'Luke' felt typical white guy who is a lil clumsy, a lil gangly in form"
* The inspiration for his middle name, Rider, came from [... what tv show??]
* when i was starting off with Luke, i had the idea of a very social and friendly chatterbox
that's the pro side of the coin, the one that makes people think of him positively
on the negative side, perhaps some people view his chatterbox as loudmouth boasting and his social tendencies as nosiness
* Luke doesn't come in until later! when Sasha and Carson graduate. Luke's life doesn't change much except that he's a lot lonelier for not having met Sasha in high school.

## Ethan

* Concept: Gentle giant
* pre!Ethan was suave and confident, with none of the childhood deep-seated insecurity that current!Ethan is
* His family's Italian name was Leone in early drafts.
* His name was chosen for its "short elegance."
* Ethan was close to having an alcohol addiction of his own. His drinking was an outlet for his repressed feelings due to the longstanding bullying he received about his weight as a child. It hit him really hard, and he holds a lot of resentment toward people's changed views of him now that he "looks prettier." In the original drafts, these feelings would have been more outspoken when he drank more. This addiction element of his and Sasha's characters was the basis of their connection.

In the current draft, Ethan still has these feelings, he's just no longer an almost drunkard.

## Mia

#### Inspiration

She was inspired by another character who loved ballet and dance. ("but for the life of me i can't remember what character" --Cas, chat log 2016. aw man :(( )

She was also inspired by Alice Lidell from Alice in Wonderland. Her anxiety and perfectionism ("inability to let the chips fall where they may") makes her feel "topsy-turvy." She also does a lot of daydreaming, as she has an intense longing for a different life where she pursued dance. Because of this, she sometimes feels that she's only half living her life in reality, while the other half in her world of dreams.

She was also inspired by Quistis Trepe from Final Fantasy 8. <2017/08/31.

#### Concept

She is based on the "perfectionist" archetype. She was generally a lot more "put together" in her original conception than she turned out to be. <elaborate?>

#### Development

Her family's Italian name was Leone in early drafts. Her given name was chosen for its "short elegance."

## Lazzari-Qian twins

Ethan and Mia are mostly the same? except their parents are much less strict
contentmint
why did you decide that the twins would be The Prettiest?

duskcastle
​​​​​i don't know!!!
my thought process was simple:
"i want them to be twins"
"i want them to be PRETTY TWINS"
"so that everyone crushes on them"
basically lol
double trouble!!!

## Blair

### Concept

* "must have at least one Tall, Dark, and Broody character"
* "loner with odd interests" archetype
* foil to Lizzie

### Inspirations

Blair's character was inspired in part by Jim Hawkins (*Treasure Planet*) and Landon Carter (*A Walk to Remember*), particularly Landon's coldness to his father when he left him and his mother.

### Development

"Blair is Not the Most Romantic at Heart, wangsty bleeding poetry notwithstanding" -- Cas, chat log 2016/01/01
""i'm a strong tough woman who don't need no man...........or woman"" --Cas, 2018/02/06
"i just loved the idea of this Dark and Brooding Moody Emo actually being incredibly sensitive and sweet on the inside. i love stoics who are hopeless romantics. tough on the outside, gooey on the inside" --Cas
otherwise, she is mostly the same
except that she used to be a Capricorn

## Mia and Blair's relationship

the result of the author wanting the soft, shy and elegant type with the brooding sarcastic type

"i liked their varying elegance and tension. Mia had that elegant ballet/valedictorian good girl elegance, which contrasted to Blair’s bad girl dark poet outlook" (in high school "she was quite the bad girl")

## Joshua

contentmint: i recall that Carson had a friend who passed away, or at least a tragic thing in her past that you wanted to keep vague. i'm guessing this is what it was?

duskcastle: yes. i wanted to keep it vague because i wasn't sure if i wanted to keep it. obviously i did not... i felt it was too upsetting and Carson already dealt with a lot on her plate. a lot of stuff was heavier in the first drafts
it's actually Carson who transfers to Sasha's school. Joshua was a very preliminary character, a childhood friend of Carson's from her chronic illness support group. like Carson, he was also suffering from IBD. she was going to high school with him up until he had two ulcer eruptions and passed away. the trauma of this is what made Carson's parents switch her to another school, which ended up being Sasha's high school.
"he went from being dead to being alive lol... currently he's one of Carson's professors now. i didn't know what to do with him since he initially was just a catalyst for change."