Church of Swift

## The Church of Swift

The Church of Swift is a church that practises the religion known as Flexianity created by, yours truly, Phil Swift.

## The Church of Swift

Phil the one the only the celestial. For he looked upon our world and stated, "That's a lot of damage!" He then blessed us with the power of the flex brand, sealing our wounds and fixing the world. Amen.

**Current Leaders**

* Lydia Heaston
* Joe Markus
* Jon Jafari

Mexican Janitor

* Oscar Espejo

The prayer of the Church of Swift is as follows:

O great one Phil, you are the most powerful divine being, and the one true god. You came to this earth to bless us with your simple products allowing us to patch, bond, seal, and repair anything with ease. You came upon all people and you said "thats alot of damage," blessing us all with you immense power. You then blessed us with the flex brand, that can fix anything. That is why you are whom we pray to. AMEN

Flexianity is a religion worshiping the deity Phil Swift, for his divine powers. The Church of Swift was founded in 1953, the founding of the church was followed soon by controversy as Scientology was founded only a few months later. Scientologist not knowing that their religion was a ripoff sent cease and desist letters to Phil only to be obliterated by the holy one.

Founded = 1953

Founded by = Jonus Toronus

Divine leader = Phil Swift

Head of religion = Phil Swift

Popes = Jon Jafari, Joe Markus, Lydia Heaston

Main character = Phil Swift

Prophets = Jon Jafari, Vladimire Lenin, Joe Markus

Mexican Janitor = Oscar Espejo

Holy number:19.99,69.420,420.69

## Founding

In 1951, six years after his arrival on Earth, Phil had amazed a huge following worshiping his divine powers. Because of this, Phil began organizing a religion, he contacted some of his richest and closest followers including:

\* Ben Shapiro

\* Walt Disney

\* Rick Sanchez

\* Henry Ford

\* Donald Trump

\* Doc Emitt Brown

\* Todd Howard

\*Gabe Newell

\* Bill Gates (Thanks to Phil's time ability)

\* Jeff Bezos (Thanks to Phil's time ability)

\* Elon Musk (Thanks to Phil's time ability)

\* King George VI

\* Chris Pratt (Thanks to Phil's time ability)

\* Thanos

\* Jon "JonTron" Jafari

\*Larry the Cable Guy

\*Michael Scott from The Office

\*Dwight Schrute from The Office

\*Jim Halpert from The Office

\*Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg, better known as PewDiePie

\*Kermit the frog (aka his son in law)(aka drinker of the gay potion)

\*Josephi Krakowski (childhood friend)

\*Joseph Stalin (another childhood friend)

\*Dr Phil

\*Borat Sagdiyev

\*Robert EO Speedwagon

\*Michael Bay

\*Saxton Hale

\*Shrek

\*Rick Astley

\*Elmo

\*Madmuk(the great Arabian flex seal user)

## Description

With the help and wealth of these people, Phil was able to found a well organized and from the start powerful religion. within the first year alone, it gained over 100 million new followers, known as Swiftians, both on earth and elsewhere. With his great following, Phil was able to bless humanity with the Flex Seal products which took decades to develop and contained trace amounts of Flex Tapium. To begin with, Phil was the sole leader, until he could find a suitable pope, whom could help spread his great religion and bless all living beings. Phil also has the largest dick in all the multiverse, measuring 69,420 miles long, but keeps it hidden in his infinity pants, which was crafted using strands of his own hair,which has lots of room to keep it tucked away.

## Founding of Swiftlandia

The Church of Swift is also credited with founding one of the most powerful empires in human history ([[Swiftlandia]]) back in 1292. It was a civilization based on the Church of Swift, Communism, and the Flex Seal Family of Products. It was this empire that started the globalization of the Church of Swift and the Flex Seal Family of Products.

## JonTron-Era

On an unknown date in 2017, Phil had found his pope, Jon Jafari. Phil contacted Jon spiritually and Jon immediately accepted the role as pope. After Jon joined the religion, it did not take long for him to be appointed pope, and together with Phil, they brought the already great religion into wide-spread prosperity and a constant flow of Flex Seal products. after the Jon was appointed Pope, the members went through the roof. It grew from over a billion to over two billion a matter of days and beat Christianity as the biggest religion in the world. Swiftlandia is the best landia ever created. If you do not worship in this land, you will be sent to labor in the dungeons of Swiftlandia.

## Controversy with the Church of Scientology

Not realizing that their church was a ripoff of the great Church of Swift, millions of Scientologists sent cease and desist letters in early 1962. Soon after this, the Church sued Phil for copyright infringe and disrespect in terms of religion. This action enraged Phil as he only founded the Church of Swift to teach, bless and bring peace to humanity. Soon after this, controversy started, as Scientologists claimed that Phil had stolen the idea of starting a religion from L. Ron Hubbard before he officially could found his religion and that Phil had created the religion as a scheme to make money and abuse the belief system of an everyday working citizen. After these allegations, Phil used his powers to find suitable evidence that his religion came first and that his church objectively was better. Phil obviously won the lawsuit and later destroyed the ones who tried to destroy him. Their blood was used as the secret formula for flex seal.

## The Church of Swift Paradox

Phil Swift in 1967 used the Flex Diamond to time travel back to the year 1032 in order to bang a hoe without legal repercussion (''It is unknown to this day why he went back to the exact year of 1032''). During the act, Phil's Flex Condom™ broke and resulted in the birth of Pope Philip Swift II in 1033. After living with his family in France for 14 years, Phil decided that he wanted to impact history more than what he already had done in the future, so he took over the Vatican and became the pope of the Catholic Church. Upon becoming pope, Phil declared that the true religion is his own that he made in 1953, so he replaced the Catholic Church with The Church of Swift. This later lead to the Swiftian Reformation and The Crusades. Phil left in 1048 to return to 1969, and gave his son Pope Philip Swift II the honor of becoming the next pope. The paradox is that Phil established "The Church of Swift" in 1953, but he also established it in 1047. Phil rewrote history, but somehow everything reverted back to normal after the year 1666. Swil Phift also used the Flex Diamond to time travel to 1085 and become the anti-pope, so there is speculation that after failing to take down The Church of Swift and prevent the Crusades, he time traveled to 1666 and with the power of the Devil reverted the timeline back to normal.

## The Death and Rebirth of Phil Swift

Phil recently made the choice to fill a boat with Flex Seal Liquid while on the water. Phil was inside the boat when he did this. After the Flex Seal Liquid had hardened, Phil was stuck inside. It is assumed that Phil later drowned because the boat eventually lost somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. He may be gone forever, but he will still live forever in our hearts. Until recent history. When America was struck with the Hurricane Harvey, Phil was seen riding his boat in the center of the storm. He fought against the entity causing the hurricane and sealed it away using his family of flex products. He disappeared again the same day. Then as another hurricane, Hurricane Dorian, threatened destroy the East Coast of America, Phil Swift appeared once more and smites the hurricane. More and more signs of Phil Swift's Revival are appearing around the world. The Second coming has arrived and our savior has returned. His time ability has allowed him to demonstrate his divine powers throughout history, he sawed the titanic in half to get rid of the non-believers and saved the believers, after the boat was empty he repaired it using only flex seal to use as his personal ship, sometimes he can be seen riding in the Bermuda triangle giving bad luck to sailors. He also broke the nose of the sphinx to take it back to his city Swiftlandia to put in his museum he has promised the Egyptian leader, Parthurnax that he will return the nose when the time is right.

## Quotes from our Lord and Savior

* Don’t eat ‘em, don’t ingest them in any shape or form
* I SAWED THIS BOAT IN HALF!
* Wow, now that was incredible.
* To show you the power of Flex Tape...
* Its like a Handyman in a can!
* NOW THATS A LOTTA DAMAGE!
* Just cut, peel, stick and seal!
* Imagine everything you could do with the power of Flex Tape!
* Yee-doggy!
* OK BOOMER!
* I flex objects but have no muscle to flex (his muscles are actually comparable to solid titanium, rivaled only by shreks)
* It even works underwater!
* If you do it right, you’re gonna die!
* All this for 19.99!
* Red,blue and green,its the greatest sub youve ever seen!
* Hello fishy.
* What are you looking at?!
* No matter what you glue,you can see right through.
* And im still not done!
* Heres how to order!
* FLEX ON!
* HO,HO,HO!
* flex seal family of products
* To make this the best deal on tv
* You may have seen a bucket, but you've never seen me f\*\*k it

Who is Phil Swift?: Cunk. Here's more information on Phil Swift: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZ4jHvI7eQGce16xcMkLuEQ