The Problem With Jammie Dodgers

There's a certain gooey thing which makes you glad to be alive. There's a certain gooey thing which helps us all to survive. Oh it's jammy! Yeah it's jammy! Jammy... jammy is the one you love. It's jammy! Ahem! Sorry I didn't realise we were on the air. You know something dear? You really need to learn to knock? I'm starting to get a little sick of your rude attitude. Sorry about that I haven't had my Weetabix's yet. I got a story to share with you all today. It's about a certain British biscuity treat known as Jammie Dodgers. I hope you've got some popcorn underneath that chair of yours cause this is quite an emotional rollercoaster. Let's get down to business!

Jammie Dodgers as I heard earlier; are a British brand of biscuit which are so damn good. I'm actually munching on right now as we speak. Actually no I'm not I was just pulling your leg. Anyways, Jammie Dodgers are extremely popular here. However, what a lot of people don't know is that there is a very dark and very well hidden secret involving the jammy treats. Before we can talk about, we must first discuss how Jammie Dodger came to be.

It all started in the summer of 52; back when the world made sense, and before General Asquith ruined my sanity. Two men named Professor Marcus and Leo Galente were discussing the lack of originality when it came to biscuits. They felt that they had a chance to make history by creating a biscuit so tasty and original that no one would ever dare rival it.

Professor Marcus and Galente spent a total of six months working on the biscuit. They tried loads of different variants before deciding on the jammy flavour. You name a flavour they tried it. Mint sauce flavour, onion sauce flavour, cheese and onion, pickled onion etc. Eventually, the pair decided on using jam for the formula. They had made that decision while eating jam on toast for breakfast for one morning. "By Gosh this could be your chance!" Professor Marcus proclaimed happily as the pair began adding the jam from the jar into the biscuits. Upon performing a taste test, Marcus and Galente both quickly fell in love with the biscuity taste. However. this is when things began to take a sour turn.

You see; Marcus and Galente began clashing on who came up with the formula first. They were both going to pitch their idea to Burton's Foods. Burton's Food was at the time an up and coming food manufacturer. They used to be an olive oil company back in the 1930's. Marcus had informed the company months in advance about his and Galente's work. The company were very impressed and were eager to see the results.

After the formula was developed, Marcus and Galente both competed with each other in a race in order to see who would get to Burton's Food Headquarters first. Whoever got there first, would get the rights to the biscuit brand. Marcus was clearly going to win as he had taken a shortcut through Soho, while Leo meanwhile was stuck in a heavy traffic jam. Sadly, just when Marcus thought he was going to get there first he got shot in the head by Galente. After killing Marcus, Leo scooped Marcus up with a shovel before tossing him in a dustbin. You see; Leo had actually being using Marcus as a pawn in his schemes the entire time. Ever since he was a child, Leo was always tormented by his family for not being as successful as his older brothers Michele and Nunzio. Oh poor old Leo Galente!

After disposing of Marcus, Leo got inside his purple sabre car, and began driving towards Burton's Good Headquarters. Unfortunately for Leo, luck wasn't on his side as his car ended up getting crashed into by a mini which was being driven by an incredibly old lady named Nora Fielding, Nora Fielding got out from her car, and made her way over to the wreckage. "Oh I'm sorry dearie I'm so sorry." Nora muttered. "Its fine really. I feel more sorry for my spiffy wiffy car." Leo said who had survived the crash, and was lying on the road like some kind of lazy rat bat. "Ooh a biscuit." Nora said as she picked up the jammy biscuit from the wreckage. She picked it up, and ate it all in one bite.

Oh man the taste! Nora had never tasted something so sweet in all her life. Thinking quickly, Nora yanked out a shotgun from her dress pocket. Nora then proceeded to shoot Leo full of more holes than swiss cheese.

I should also mention that Leo and Marcus had developed about 10 of these prototype jammy treats. So Nora picked up the other 9, and then stuffed them into her handbag. Nora then proceeded to head back inside her car. and drove towards Burton's Food Headquarters.

At Burton's Food Headquarters, the company were trying to make a brand deal with Stuart Little 2. Even the film didn't exist yet. What the fricking duck? Anyways. Nora arrived at the headquarters and presented the creation over to the board of directors. "Hey that's pretty good!" The head of directors proclaimed happily as he took a big bite from one of the biscuit. Nora was offered £100,000,000 in exchange for the rights to Jammie Dodgers. Nora happily agreed. and was also the one who gave Jammie Dodgers their iconic name and heart shaped centre. Nora became the richest woman in the United Kingdom. That was of course until three days later when she got hit by a car. With Nora dead, Burton's Food Headquarters no longer had to pay her royalties.

Now Jammie Dodgers needed a mascot. Someone who could help give their brand an identity. Now first they sought out Richard Fatchurd. Yes ladies and gentlemen: Fatchurd is finally back! Anyways, Fatchurd as it turns out is actually severely allergic to jam so his neck ended up swelling like a balloon. "Mm Scottie me need mints meat!" Fatchurd cried as he was taken away in an ambulance. Burton's Foods then got a phone call from Sylvester Stallone who offered to star in their commercials. "Picture this: I play a truck driver for Jammie Dodgers HQ."

Sylvester Stallone basically told the company that his ideas for the commercials would have him star as a delivery driver for Jammie Dodgers HQ. He would then be forced to drive around the entire country delivering freshly made Jammie Dodgers to people. Burton's Food agreed happily, but they quickly decided against using Stallone in their commercials when Stallone announced that he wanted to be paid over $900,000 per commercial.

With Stallone and Fatchurd gone, the company eventually decided to go with having no mascot. This was until an incident happened. An incident known as the tragedy of Gary Parkaticket. Have you ever heard of the tragedy of Gary Parkaticket? No? Well let me tell you it then dear reader. Oh and if were you; I'd get a box of tissues ready cause this is quite an emotional rollercoaster if I may say so myself.

Gary Parkaticket worked for Burton's from 2005 to 2011 as the head of their marketing department. He was an incredibly short but musically talented young man. Sadly, Parkaticket was

constantly at odds with the higher ups in the company who weren't very satisfied with the kind of ads they were putting out. They constantly made Parkaticket work through an entire day without any breaks. Now that's just sick! Eventually, Parkaticket grew tired of this cruel treatment, and announced that he was going to sue the company. He had a very good lawyer who could help him win the case with no problems.

Knowing fully well that Parkaticket's information could bring down the entire company, the head of Burton's had Parkaticket thrown into a huge swimming pool which contained the secret formula to Jammie Dodgers. As if by magic, the formula mixed with Parkaticket's DNA transformed him into a monkey made out of jam. The company forced Parkaticket to continue working for them. They actually manipulated Parkaticket, and told him that the only way he'd return to his normal self was by starring in their commercials.

The first commercial starring Parkaticket was released on 27th of April 2012. The commercial featured Parkaticket singing "A Certain Gooey Thing," which was a song which helped reflect the former scientist's desire for the biscuits. However, what a lot of people don't know is that this song was actually a cry for help of sorts. Parkaticket sung the song in a failed attempt to get some help. Sadly, people didn't see the pain of Parkaticket which is really sad. Parkaticket turning into a monkey also ruined his marriage as his fiancée turned into a crust of bread upon seeing what had happened to him. I'm not really sure how that works but whatever. Parkaticket has appeared in a few more Jammie Dodgers commercials since, and is still hoping for someone to save him. He needs a hero. I personally prefer Quality Street but whatever.

Now then let's talk about the addictive nature of Jammie Dodgers. Oh yes my friends; just like Extra Crunchy Crisps, Jammie Dodgers are highly addictive and highly dangerous. In fact, I may even go as far as to say that Jammie Dodgers are 50 times more dangerous than Extra Crunchy Crisps. What's that? You don't believe me do you? Well let me tell you about how addictive these little jammy biscuits are.

Mr Foxy head of Foxy Bingo has become addicted to the biscuits after being given one by his agent before shooting a commercial. Foxy can't get enough of the jammy taste, and his addiction serves to greatly damage his successful career. Foxy has began taking out loans from powerful gangsters just so he can afford some more Jammy Dodgers. He borrowed money from an incredibly powerful gangster named Frank Bank. Frank Bank controlled Nottingham's gambling trade, and was also said to be very good with the knife according to my intel. Sadly, Frank suffers from some serious bowel problems, and Foxy is forced by Frank's enforcers to allow Frank to use Foxy's toilet.

Mr Foxy has also began shopping a lot more than usual. Every single day, Mr Foxy visits his local Tesco's or Lidels to see if they have any Jammie Dodgers in stock. Once he finds the Jammy Dodger supply he ends up buying out the entire store's stock of Jammie Dodgers. Poor old Foxy can't get enough of the jammy jam. He buys so much. and then has to stuff into his coat pockets so the paparazzi don't spot it. One day, Foxy was on his way home from a successful visit to Tesco only to get spotted by some paparazzi in the area. "There he is!" The leader of the paparazzi yelled as Foxy cried, "flaming Nora!" Mr Foxy then proceeded to run down the street like a mad man all the while getting chased down by the paparazzi. Some say that he is still running to this day. Well he's not cause I saw him on the tube the other day.

Wallace & Gromit leaders of the incredibly powerful crime syndicate: Anti Pesto were also highly addicted to Jammie Dodgers. Wallace had actually succeeded in sparking up an alliance with a higher up at Burton's. This alliance enabled Wallace and his gang tor receive about 500 trucks of Jammie Dodgers per day. Now, Wallace wouldn't eat all the Jammie Dodgers himself. He wasn't that sick. No in fact, Wallace was actually smart when it came to how to use the Jammie Dodgers. He would sell the Dodgers on the streets for twice the price than they were in the stores. So in that sense, Wallace would make a killing from selling the Dodgers. He typically sold them to addicts and street peddlers. The people who couldn't afford anything better.

Wallace's addiction to Jammie Dodgers has caused him to forget about the more important things in life. This includes paying the bills. Wallace regularly forgets to pay them. One time, Wallace's boiler broke and it wasn't until a month after the fact that he finally released it was broken. Wallace and Gromit were given a new boiler by British Gas with Wallace saying, "a new boiler that'll save us some pennies lad." Also, Wallace had also become far more reckless thanks to his addiction. When the British Gas employee was visiting Wallace's house to install the new boiler, Wallace forgot to put a towel on as he had just gotten out of the shower. The employee was disgusted, and cried all the way home because of it. That's a true story. Believe me I've got my sources.

The word of Jammie Dodger's addictive nature spread like wild fire. It spread so bad that the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham were forced to get involved. No one asked for them to get involved, but they did so anyway because as their name suggests, they are very easily offended by the slightest things. One of the Knights named Lady Birkshire hired a special detective named Sam Bramsberry to investigate into Jammie Dodgers. Upon being given the case, Sam Bramsberry proclaimed, "I'm Special Detective Sam Bramsberry! Sam to my friends on spread to my enemies." Also while Sam was saying all that, Lady Birkshire pulled an incredibly smug face. Too smug for my liking anyway!

Sam Bramsberry using a disguise was able to infiltrate a party held at Burton's Headquarters. He disguised himself as a hardened criminal named Monty Bean. While disguised as Bean, Sam was able to learn more about how the Jammie Dodger business operates. He learned all about Parkaticket and how the Dodgers came to be. He also discovered that a senior executive at Burtons: David Hambrick was corrupt and was in service to Anti Pesto a notorious gang operating in West Wallaby Street. Sam then decided to set his sights on apprehending Hambrick.

Sadly, Hambrick was not dumb for he had seen through Sam's disguise. He had Sam's drink drugged with pig flu. Because of the flu, Sam was left bed ridden and ended up failing to arrest Hambrick. He did however manage to report his findings to Lady Birkshire who asked for General Asquith's assistance in the matter. Yes you see; the Knights are quite useless when it comes to actually doing something which helps a situation. They rely on powerful contacts like General Asquith and Sam Bramsberry to do the hard work for them. How incredibly lazy.

General Asquith on Lady Birkshire's orders headed to

Albion Hospital which is where the addicts of Jammie Dodgers were sent to. Asquith appeared in the main lobby of the hospital which is where the addicts were waiting to speak to him. Upon confrontation, Asquith asked one of the nurses, "good God and this is real? It's not some kind of hoax or something?" "No cigar." The nurse said before continuing with, "no one could have made this up." "We've got experts being flown in. Until they arrive; get those ugly buggers out of sight!" General Asquith demanded before making his leave. He then proceeded to have the entire hospital placed under military control until he was able to get to the bottom of the situation.

General Asquith then headed to Burton's Headquarters where he proceeded to have a right go at the company for their appalling lack of quality standards. Thankfully, the company was able to buy Asquith off as he too had become addicted to Jammie Dodgers. Oh the plot thickens! Asquith then went on his merry way not caring a button for the darkness. For it twas Jammie Dodgers that he cared about most. Lady Birkshire quickly gave up her crusade against Burton's after receiving a large cash bribe from Hambrick.

With General Asquith and Sam Bramsberry dealt with, Burton's Headquarters appeared untouchable. In fact in an odd sense, the company was sort of untouchable. There was no left in the world who would dare mess with the company and their precious Jammie Dodgers. I mean seriously if General Asquith isn't enough to stop them then I don't think there's much anyone else can do. I'm not really sure what happens next to be honest. I guess we just got to hope that someone is able to put a stop to Burton's and their corrupt deeds. By doing so, hopefully we can get Jammie Dodgers pulled off the market for good.

Ladies and gentlemen; I'm sorry to say but that concludes our tale. I'm really sorry to have to leave this on such a cliffhanger, but ya know flippers. I just can't believe that one little biscuit brand could cause so much trouble. I don't think anyone not even General Asquith could imagine that. It's really something that has shocked the nation. The worse thing is that nothing is getting done about it. Well not anymore! I as a level headed member of the community have finally brought exposure to the addictiveness to Jammie Dodgers, and the true wickedness of the company behind them,

So ladies and gentlemen; if you're ever in the mood for a nice little snack. Please don't help yourself to a cheeky little Jammie Dodger. No instead help yourself to a cheeky little chocolate digestive biscuit instead, or you could ya know have a salad. It's getting pretty late so if excuse me I'm feeling a little peckish. I'm going to go and get myself a little snack. Yeah a little snack. A nice jamtastic snack. Ooh yeah.