Fake TPOT 30a: A Time to Let Go

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
"**A Time to Let Go**" is the first part of the non-canon thirtieth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 21 May 1983. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe.

Author's note #1: This episode contains one one my worst-written scenes: the one where the eliminated contestants reunite with the still-in contestants. It would take more than one episode segment (and a whole lot of research) to capture everyone's emotions when they see the people from whom the Filing Cabinet had kept them apart for years, in some cases decades. Read at your own risk of awkwardness, people!

Author's note #2 *(Updated 14 November)*: I'm sorry, but the competition to recommend a character for TPOT 37 is over, as the episode is already out and I received a grand total of **0** guesses. But thank you for taking part, even if you were only *thinking* of making a guess! And, of course, thanks for reading!

Description if this were on YouTube:

Hey, are the eliminated contestants back? Referring to those who get sent off in episode 25 of course. Well, IF they are back (don't want to spoil anything for yous), they come with many surprises: Who sings about “BFDI, an object show, an object show”? Who, um, made love with a moving vehicle? Is Clock really dead or does Two not want to recover him? Find out in this epic battl—I mean... pre-battle in THE POWER OF TWO!

Previous episode: "The 250 Club"

Next episode: "Return of the Rock Ship"

## Cold open

### **A landscape, somewhere**

**Scene**Late at night. A peaceful landscape. Crickets chirp in the background. Suddenly, a car slowly appears on the scene. It is **Uniqua**, the psychedelic van that belongs to the unknown entity that temporarily kidnapped all of the contestants that were eliminated before episode 25. View of the inside of Uniqua, where the eliminated contestants are sitting, looking bored (except Bottle, Marker and Yellow Face, who are playing a clapping game with one another). **Eraser** is snoring very loudly next to **Foldy**.
* **Need****le**: You know what's suckish?
* **B****e****ll**: That we haven't had any music the whole time we've been in this van?
* **Need****le**: That... [*looks out the window, wistfully*] Yeah, that... *And* that this whole journey was a waste of time.
* **Barf** **Bag**: [*who is sitting in the drivers' seat even though she isn't driving*] Yeah, how many years has it been all together? *TwoOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?***

[*The intro plays.*]

* **F****old****y**: You said it. Two. I'm getting a little tired myself.
* **Pi****e**: Well, I must be dreaming because it looks like Eraser's waking up.
* **Bom****by**: Arise from your slumber!

[*Everyone gasps as Eraser wakes up.*]

* **Eraser**: Gg... gh... what's goin' on? What'd I miss?
* **F****old****y**: Oh. *Oh!*
* **Ma****r****ker**: Cousin!
* **F****old****y**: Hi, Eraser, you're awake.
* **Eraser**: Aaaaah! Pentagon! *Kill it!*
* **F****old****y**: Hey, that's not nice!
* **Fan****ny**: I hate you!
* **Pi****e**: I thought you hated pentagons.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate those too!
* **F****old****y**: This is why I don't talk to you people.
* **Eraser**: [*back to normal*] But seriously, what did I miss? I feel like I've been sleeping for a hundred days.

[*Silence.*]

* **Cloudy**: Guess again.
* **Eraser**: Longer? Zoo-wee mama, how long have I been out?

[*Silence.*]

* **Eraser**: Speak to me!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: About two years.
* **Eraser**: ***WHAT?***
* **T****V**: More specifically, 565 days.
* **Need****le**: It's what you lot call beauty sleep, innit? Figured that amount of rest would do you good. /s
* **Eraser**: Guess I deserve it for watching the bobo with someone else's car.
* **Fan****ny**: You mean for watching it with *a* car, full stop!
* **Eraser**: Anyways... did I miss a lot?

[*Everyone hesitates to talk.*]

* **E****g****gy**: Umm...
* **C****a****ke**: Well...
* **Yellow Face**: You missed a lot!

[*Awkward silence.*]

* **B****e****ll**: Come on, the silence is killing me! Can someone please turn on the radio?
* **E****g****gy**: Or that shrill voice that led us into this van in the first place!
* **B****e****ll**: That wasn't shrill; they had a rather deep voice.
* **E****g****gy**: Really?
* **B****e****ll**: [*high-pitched voice*] *This is shrill!*
* **E****g****gy**: *I can do shriller!*
* **Pill****ow**: Did you know that the word *shrill* comes from Double Dutch?
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy agrees! SHRIIIIILLLL!
* **Barf** **Bag**: [*quite annoyed*] I'll turn on the radio.
* **Pill****ow**: Barf Bag is clearly upset. The next person who says the word *shrill* must exit this vehicle!

[*Barf Bag presses a button and a soft, French-like folk song can be heard on the radio.*]

**Song: "An Object Show"**

**Vocalist(s)**: Debbie Reynolds

**Debbie Reynolds**: ♫ I sing about BFDI, an object show, an object show,

I sing about BFDI, a show made by Jacknjelli-*fye*. ♫

* **B****e****ll**: [*Aside, to Foldy.*] How quaint!
* **T****V**: Eraser, if you want to know what's going on, I can tell you. But you will be shocked to know that we've been averaging one kilometre per hour.

[*Nearly everyone groans.*]

* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: TV, really?
* **Barf** **Bag**: You promised not to tell us the speed we're travelling at so we don't lose morale!
* **Fan****ny**: I hate losing my morale!
* **Bot****tle**: I *love* losing morale!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Guys, TV sometimes breaks his promises! Like when he said he would give me the last crab cake at the set buffet!
* **T****V**: I'm sorry, I was hungry. Anyway, I don't understand why everyone's mad at me; our hotel is just around the corner.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Yep, and we're approaching the area where the still-in contestants play and frolic and do things we haven't been doing for the better part of two years—*aaaaah!* [*Beat.*] Sorry for underestimating you earlier, TV.
* **T****V**: No, it's fine.
* **C****a****ke**: TV's right! I can see people!
* **Everyone**: Oooooooh.

## Pre-pre–Cake at Stake (and a reunion!)

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene****Puffball** and her closest friends as of this episode, **Bok**, **Basketball** and **Saw**, have put up a memorial for Fries (who is still dead) at the front door of the hotel. It is a rather large stone with the name "Fries" messily written on it. The other contestants stroll around cluelessly and, in some cases, indifferently.
* **Baske****t****ball**: We hereby dedicate this memorial stone to our fallen friend.
* **Puffball**: Fries, you will be dearly missed.
* **S****aw**: And Clock.

[*Beat.*]

* **Puffball**: Yeah, but at least Fries has a chance of being recovered.
* **B****o****k**: Even though he did break the rules...
* **Baske****t****ball**: And is being punished with eternal death.
* **Puffball**: I mean, at least Two was okay with him, right?
* **Baske****t****ball**, **B****o****k**, **S****aw**: Oh yeah.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Clock's not coming back, heh.

[*Silence.*]

* **Puffball**: Hey, let's talk about Fries some more!
* **B****o****k**: He was... nice.
* **Baske****t****ball**: And the fact that he was the third one to rejoin out of, like, twenty people, that makes him special, right?
* **B****o****k**: Very special indeed.
* **S****aw**: Just like this stone.

[*Enter* **Aresko**, *who stumbles in as he trips over the stone and lands on his head. He is hit by a rugby ball that has fallen from the sky.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Oof!
* **Puffball**: Aresko, what was that for?
* **Ar****esko**: Don't blame me, guys, blame the bloke that threw me this footy!
* **Puffball**: Pen, you naughty jock, apologize right this instant!
* **P****en**: [*off-screen*] Sorry!
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*quietly*] We pass this apology on to you, Fries Frankx. Let's hope you understand Canadian.
* **S****aw**: Amen.

[*Suddenly, Uniqua, the giant psychedelic van, comes into the scene and knocks over the stone. The four jump out of the way.*]

* **S****aw**: Oh!
* **Puffball**: *Ouille!*
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Learn how to drive, fool!
* **B****o****k**: Hold on a second. What if this van is full of new contestants?
* **Baske****t****ball**: How could that be?
* **Donut**: Yeah, why would they introduce a bunch of debuters at the *end* of an act?
* **Winner**: Seems kind of counterintuitive to me.
* **B****o****k**: You heard Two. We never get new visitors unless they're new contestants.
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*looking closer*] Wait, those aren't new contestants; they're old contestants!

[*All the doors of the van open and the season 8 invitees—***Barf Bag**, **Bell**, **Bomby**, **Bottle**, **Cake**, **Cloudy**, **Eggy**, **Eraser**, **Fanny**, **Foldy**, **Grassy**, **Ice Cube**, **Marker**, **Needle**, **Pie**, **Pillow**, **Robot Flower**, **Rocky** *and* **TV**—*fall out of it, exhausted. Everyone gasps as they see their friends once again and all talk at once. The conversations weave through as smoothly as you'd never expect.*]

* **N****a****ily**: Oh my gosh! Bomby, Cake!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: We're almost all together again!
* **C****a****ke**: Yaaaaay!
* **Bom****by**: Celebration!
* **C****a****ke**: But what do you mean by *almost* all together?
* **Bom****by**: Find Nickel!
* **N****a****ily**: Oh... um... Nickel was eliminated last episode.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Or was it the one before that?
* **N****a****ily**: The show's been through a lot of changes while you were gone.
* **C****a****ke**: I can tell.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **Cloudy**: So the people eliminated while we were away are...
* **Puffball**: Lightning, Nickel, Gaty.
* **Cloudy**: Nickel's gone?
* **Puffball**: No, wait, I think it's actually...
* **S****aw**: Gaty was eliminated second.
* **Puffball**: Yep.
* **Cloudy**: Oh no, now there's no one here to win for me!
* **Puffball**: It'll be okay. I feel the same way, see? [*indicates Fries's stone*]
* **Cloudy**: Rip.

[*Meanwhile, TV is showing Golf Ball and Tennis Ball footage from season 8 of BFDI. It is hosted by* **Eight** *(the owner of the voice from 25a) and features characters that we have never seen before.*]

* **Golf Ball**: So you're telling me that BFDI has eight seasons now?
* **T****V**: Apparently.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: This is great! Our showrunners must be so happy.
* **Golf Ball**: So why were you on set again?
* **T****V**: We were up for voting, except no one voted for us. Sigh, those players from seasons 6 and 7 are tough to beat.

[*Meanwhile, Eraser is still lying on the ground.*]

* **P****en**: Eraser!
* **Eraser**: Wh... what? [*gets up*] Holy chiz, Pen, it's you!
* **P****en**: Hug me, brother! [*embrace*]
* **T****r****e****e**: [*waves half-heartedly*] Hullo.
* **Eraser**: Tree! The two of yous look different. [*raises his eyebrows*] Something goin' on I should know about?
* **P****en**: What, no!
* **T****r****e****e**: Ooh, I've got to be... somewhere. Nice talking to you, though. [*Walking off, he wipes the sweat off his brow.*] Phew...
* **Eraser**: Pen, don't tell me you've fallen for him.
* **P****en**: What do you mean?
* **Eraser**: [*shaking him*] I can't let you lose for me if you get distracted, bro! I just can't! I so want the power to put people to sleep!
* **P****en**: Okay, okay. [*Beat.*] Wait, put people to sleep?
* **Eraser**: Eight made me sleep after me and his van made out. Eh? [*raises his hand for a high five while smiling with his rows of teeth*]
* **P****en**: [*puts his hand down*] You're on your own for that, pal.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **Ex****ix**: Wow, new people! Pie, Pillow, I never knew you were victims of the episode 16 split!
* **Pi****e**: Liy? Is that you?
* **Pill****ow**: According to my research, that is most definitely Liy.
* **Ex****ix**: Girls, *shh!* I can't use that name on these premises.
* **Pill****ow**: That's right. I'm going to call you... Exix.
* **Ex****ix**: How'd you know my disguise name?
* **Pill****ow**: I don't. You just look like an Exix.
* **Ex****ix**: Oh. Then I chose right.

[*Foldy spots Exix and gasps.*]

* **F****old****y**: Liy.
* **Ex****ix**: Look for her somewhere else, you troublemaker, my name is Exix.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Fanny, Bottle, how would you two like to join our business?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We're selling Death PACT merch.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate consumerism!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We have to rake in the dough somehow.
* **Fan****ny**: I would join, but we've got somewhere else to be. I hate loitering!
* **Bot****tle**: We might be banned from staying out here too long!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But you've just got here, from... somewhere.

[*Everyone gradually grows silent.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [**looking* around*] That seems like the question of the day.
* **T****r****e****e**: Anybody who's curious, in three... two... one.
* **Still-in contestants**: ***Where were you?***

[*The FC'ers try to explain.*]

* **Barf** **Bag**: Oh...
* **E****g****gy**: Umm...
* **C****a****ke**: Well...
* **Yellow Face**: Season 8!

[*They all start entering the hotel lobby, knocking over the stone monument dedicated to Fries in the process.*]

* **Puffball**: Really?

[*Exeunt all eliminated contestants.*]

* **Ar****esko**: I keep forgetting how weird some of these people are.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, they're all acting a little off.
* **Co****i****ny**: Why do you think they got eliminated so early?

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**In a scene without dialogue, the eliminated contestants awkwardly tiptoe into the lobby to avoid being seen by the hosts. Luckily, **Two** and **Five** can only be *heard* as they giggle with each other—they're not seen and certainly know nothing of their entrance. The old Cabinetters look at one another in confusion as they approach the door through which people fall in order to get to the Filing Cabinet.
## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**The contestants still in the competition are chatting with one another before Cake at Stake. As it is an act finale, all are relaxed, except **Tree**, who looks rather edgy as he paces around **Pen** and **Aresko** in the background. This part focuses on **Remote** and **Black Hole**, who are talking business.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So we've got Fanny as project analyst—that's the person who decides whether a step on our ideas are worth hating or not. Tree... he's too busy with his ravenous appetite for office supplies to care right now. What about Bottle?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Regular worker.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And what about Pie? Have we got an answer from her yet?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, she was in a daze.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Regular daze or blueberry-filled daze?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't think there's a difference.

[*Huc teleportat* **Two** *between Black Hole and Remote. Enter* **Five**, *who walks out of the hotel lobby at the same time.*]

* **Two**: Attention contestants! Attention contestants!
* **Five**: It is time for Cake at Stake, so please start heading up to the hotel roof!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*Aside, with Two between her and Black Hole.*] We'll talk rôles later.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I've got my lucky clipboard.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I never knew you kept a lucky clipboard.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's 'cause I sucked it up before you could find out about it. /j
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Nice.
* **Two**: [*staring at the camera*] *Cake at Stake!*

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** have gathered the contestants for Cake at Stake. Sitting on the risers are the members of the winning teams, **The Alefs** (minus Fries, of course) and **Vitas**, while on the platforms are the members of the team up for elimination, **U** (minus Clock).
* **Puffball**: Aw, I'm going to miss that song!
* **B****o****k**: Don't you have a hundred records that sound just like that?

[*Two claps twice.*]

* **Two**: Hush now! I have a wonderful announcement to make!
* **Baske****t****ball**: You're going bald.
* **Two**: What? No!
* **Five**: Why would you say that, Basketball?
* **Baske****t****ball**: I just wanted to lighten the mood, that's all. It's not so often that you find this team on the rotating platforms.
* **Puffball**: Geez, no need to brag, dude. /j
* **Two**: But U are, all of U! In the last episode, because U broke a rule *and* my heart... U were up for elimination. And as U all know, the voters didn't vote for any of U to go home, so U have to decide for U-selves.
* **N****a****ily**: Umm, Two?
* **Two**: [*deep voice*] Yeeeeees?
* **N****a****ily**: Aren't you going to bring Clock back first?
* **Two**: Do you want him back?
* **N****a****ily**: Well... yeah. For more than one reason.

[*Two and Five discuss in a huddle.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: You just want a guaranteed vote from the guy only you can stand.
* **N****a****ily**: Why not? It's cushioning!

[*Two and Five end their huddle.*]

* **N****a****ily**: So...
* **Two**: So what?
* **Golf Ball**: Are you bringing Clock back, or what?
* **N****a****ily**: Yes, that.
* **Two**: Oh. [*Beat. They shake their head.*] Nah.
* **Five**: Translation: Whenever I feel like it.
* **B****o****k**: Oh, barnacles, I hate that that actually makes sense.
* **Two**: But you can vote for him if you wish. Anyway, you know what to do! Get in the queue and *vote!*
* **Five**: ***NOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW—*** [*notices that Two isn't joining in*] Oh, we're not doing that.

[*At once, everyone forms a queue that leads into Stem Kastje. Coincidentally, they are in alphabetical order.*]

* **Two**: As you haven't been up for elimination before, vote for *one*-ever, *two*-ever or *three*-ever you want!
* **B****o****k**: Well, that makes sense too.
* **Two**: [*Aside, to Five.*] This will be so exciting! They're all too likeable!

### **Stem Kastje**

**Scene**For the last time in the series, the contestants choose whom (1, 2 or 3 people) they want to be safe. The first-named contestant gets 6 votes if their name is mentioned alone, 4 if mentioned if one other and 3 if mentioned with two others. The second-name contestant (if there is one) gets 2 votes, regardless of whether anyone else's name comes after them. The third-named contestant (if there is one) gets 1 vote. This scene is frequently skipped in later broadcasts.

TPOT 30 voting

[*Static.*]
* **B****o****k**: I vote for Clock because I feel bad that we've all been speaking ill of him, and also Price Tag, who I think is pretty cool.

[*Static. The box is empty as it's Clock's turn to vote.*]
* **Stemkastje**: Well?

[*Enter* **Golf Ball**.]
* **Golf Ball**: I vote for Tennis Ball and Bok!

[*Static.*]
* **N****a****ily**: Taggy, of course. I've been hearing rumours that...
* **Stemkastje**: Yes?
* **N****a****ily**: They're just me 2.0.
* **Stemkastje**: Well, that's not pleasant to hear! Where have you been getting your sources, missy?
* **N****a****ily**: Telephone gossip. I can't afford to go into town and buy actual tabloids!
* **Stemkastje**: [*in agreement*] Mm-hmm.

[*Static.*]
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Naily, of course!
* **Stemkastje**: Ooh, that's a pretty symmetrical angle you're taking about there.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I also vote for Basketball and Tennis Ball.
* **Stemkastje**: So that's three votes for Naily, two for Basketball and one for Tennis Ball.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wait, can I change my vote to just Naily?
* **Stemkastje**: Nope! All votes are *final*. Psyche!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: No!

[*Static.*]
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Golf Ball and Basketball. I'm afraid that the latter's friends are on different teams than this one.
* **Stemkastje**: You sure you want to say that on international television?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: You make it seem as though this isn't a private voting box.
* **Stemkastje**: Wellllll...
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Have a nice day, Stem Kastje.

### **Elimination area**

**Scene****Tennis Ball** returns to his seat. The same flashcard comes out of Stem Kastje, which is taken by Five and handed over to Two.
* **Two**: [*sing-song voice*] Oooo-*ooooh!* Lots of numbers this time!
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, there are. But don't reveal anything straight away like you did last time. We want to know who got the most votes as well.
* **Two**: You got it, dude!

[*Two gives Golf Ball a thumbs-up gesture. Price Tag gasps.*]

* **Two**: What?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: That's an offensive gesture!
* **Two**: It is? Oh. I'm sorry, Taggy, I should have been more sensitive to your Goikyan Iranian culture.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh no, I've got no problem with that; heck, I do it all the time in the Great Southern Land. I just meant that it was an insult because it came from you.
* **Two**: [*gasps melodramatically*] Taggy, how could you? I thought we were friends! But I guess we're not!
* **Five**: Sinful label, I hope it is you who goes!
* **Two**: Five, you need to be more subtle! [*Aside.*] Unless you're talking about Clock, in which case you can be as vocal as you like about wanting him to get out.

[*Golf Ball clears her throat.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Eh-em?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Uh, yeah... Who got the most votes?
* **Two**: Taggy, please don't be cross with me, but you received the most!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I did?
* **Two**: Yep, with eight!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh, yay! But why would I be angry with you?
* **Two**: Because.

[*Two suddenly takes a knife and cuts a bit of the platform they are standing on—it's made of something hard, so the feat is even more impressive. They throw a piece of the cut platform to Taggy, just as they do with the other contestants declared safe.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*getting hit with the platform piece*] Oof!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Two, you're dismantling our creation!
* **Golf Ball**: That is unacceptable; Tennis Ball and I have worked very hard on it!
* **Two**: Sure, two years ago. But platform pieces are in now!
* **Puffball**: [*Aside, to Saw.*] It's true.
* **Two**: Anyway, that's water under the bridge, so don't feel so bad about it, Tennis Ball... because you're safe with seven votes!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*happy to sad*] Yay-oowr.
* **Golf Ball**: That's a false equivalence, Two.
* **Two**: That it is! You're safe too, by the way, Golf Ball.

[*Two throws a platform piece at Golf Ball, who falls off the roof.*]

* **Golf Ball**: [*from the ground*] *I'm okay!*
* **Two**: And so is Bok. You and Golf Ball received five votes!
* **B****o****k**: Yay!
* **Two**: Have you any snarky remarks you'd like to make right now?
* **B****o****k**: Not particularly—ah!

[*Bok also gets hit with a platform piece. The spotlight shines on Basketball and Naily, as well as Clock's empty platform. The two of them are nervous.*]

* **Two**: There are three people left. Two of them got four votes each, while one of them only got three.
* **Baske****t****ball**: And the one with three votes gets eliminated?
* **Two**: No, the one with three votes gets to join the reunion of the Bevel-ly Brothers. /s

[*Enter* **Golf Ball**, *who has taken the stairs.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Don't kid us like that, Two, they split up years ago!

[*Beat.*]

* **Two**: Right. [*as Golf Ball returns to her seat with everyone looking at her*] Anyway, do you want to know which players got four votes and which got three?
* **B****o****k**: That's kind of the point of Cake at Stake, Two.

[*Five bangs on a pretend drum as Two reads the votes.*]

* **Two**: With four votes... Basketball and Non-existent Clock are safe! Naily, it's time to say *hooroo*.
* **Ar****esko**: [*from the audience*] Ha-*ha!* [*Two looks directly at him.*] Sorry.
* **N****a****ily**: Oh no, I'm eliminated? This is horrible!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Surely it shouldn't be; I mean, the Filing Cabinet sounds like an ace place based on what our dead castmate told us. You'll even get to see Nickel... [*sees Two glaring at them*] Song... the Nickel Song!
* **Two**: "The Nickel Song"? What is this, the early seventies?
* **N****a****ily**: I know, Taggy, things'll be heaps better inside Cabby. But now I won't get to experience the power of Two!

[*As the word "Two" echoes in time and space, Two starts to weep dramatically.*]

* **Two**: Weeeee-hoooooo! Cornailya, a- are you trying to butter me up? Because it's working, waa-waa, working well indeed!

[*Everyone looks at one another with looks of confusion and/or concern.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Uh-oh, guys. Two's getting emotional.
* **Two**: [*making a wet fart sound*] Oisaodunoiwfoudfhwoiquwajdoisadoajodajsodsajdiajo!
* **Five**: It gets worse, Basketball.
* **Baske****t****ball**: What? How?
* **Five**: Do you remember the thing Two talked about in the last episode?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Which thing?
* **Five**: Well, they said...

[*Flashback to the previous episode, as Two rolls around the floor of the bedroom section of the hotel roof.*]

**Two**: No contestant will not play a rôle in this challenge, and yes, the double negative was intentional, because you will receive two times the negative consequences if this rule is not followed. Have I made myself clear?
[*End flashback.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, I guess Two really did say that.
* **Five**: *Duh.*

[*Basketball looks at them weirdly.*]

* **Five**: And since Clock didn't appear in the last contest, that means that your team must suffer double the consequences.
* **Two**: [*immediately getting up, happy*] That's right! Listen up, everybody, because I shall eliminate not one, but *two* players! [*giggles*] I said my name.

[*Basketball and Naily gasp.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Wait, *I'm* eliminated too?
* **N****a****ily**: I just said that!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Hey now, don't let tempers flare; maybe there's a way out of this!
* **Two**: Nope, you two must go to my Filing Cabinet and not come out!

[*Two zaps* **Naily** *and* **Basketball**, *sending them to the Filing Cabinet.*]

## Cake at Stake (with a twist)

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Hmm...

[*A* **lightbulb** *appears above their head.*]

* **L****igh****tbul****b**: Knowledge time!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*looking up*] This is my moment, mate!
* **L****igh****tbul****b**: Sorry.

[*Exit* **Lightbulb**.]

* **Two**: Taggy, you look like you want to say something; what've you got in mind?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, erm, how many contestants are there now?
* **Two**: Er... [*gasp*]

[*As Two realizes something, their eyes grow wide and they zap* **Naily** *and* **Basketball** *back to the contest area.*]

* **Two**: ***TWENTY-ONE!***
* **N****a****ily**: [*confused*] What?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Why are we back here? I was beginning to enjoy the Fi—I mean, I have no idea what just happened.
* **Two**: Oh, woe is me, woe is me, 我 is *me*! I cannot let you go just yet! I shan't allow it!
* **N****a****ily**: So we get to stay?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Alright! Low five, Nails! [*low five*]
* **Two**: I- I can't go for that, no, no can do!
* **B****o****k**: Um, Two? Does there seem to be a problem?

[*Two teleports directly in front of Bok.*]

* **Two**: Of course there is! Don't you see? I can't just eliminate both Naily and Basketball so! Do you know how many contestants there'd be if I did?
* **Golf Ball**: Judging by your yelling "Twenty-one!" earlier, there would be nineteen.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: That's nine plus ten.
* **Two**: That's right!
* **Puffball**: [*Aside.*] It takes a real smart person to know that's true.
* **Two**: And do you know what digits are in the number 19?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: 1 and 9?
* **Two**: Yes! There's not even a 2 to be found! I just can't bear to let go and have there be a number of contestants where *I'm* not in it, do you know what I mean?

[*Everyone shakes their head no.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: I'm sorry, Two, but we really don't know how to feel about this.
* **Golf Ball**: We are not numbers!
* **Donut**: [*from the audience*] Well...
* **Two**: Meeeeehuihuihuihuihuihooowayyyayyayyyy!

[*Two begins to weep.*]

* **Five**: Would you like a nostril massage, Two?
* **Two**: Y- yes, please!
* **Five**: Okay. [*Aloud.*] Contestants, I apologize on behalf of myself and your host for this interruption, but you are all excused. I will see you all downstairs.

[*Without a word, exeunt most contestants. Manet* **Basketball** *and* **Naily**.]

* **Five**: And that includes you too. I know things are a little strange right now, but you've just got to go.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, but I have a question.
* **N****a****ily**: So do I.
* **Five**: Is it important?
* **N****a****ily**: Yeah. Two, are you really going bald?
* **Two**: *Huaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!*
* **Five**: We will answer that downstairs, thank you.
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*walking off*] See, I knew our status was going to be up in the air this episode. We get to stay!
* **N****a****ily**: Yeah, we *nailed* it!
* **Baske****t****ball**: And our host has no hair!

[*Exeunt* **Basketball** *and* **Naily**, *chattering with each other. It's a far cry from TPOT 1.*]

## Post–Cake at Stake

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Post–Cake at Stake dispersion. The contestants all go downstairs, unfazed by Two's change in attitude. Many of them exaggeratedly skip around the field to show how much they couldn't be bothered to care. A reversal of the pre–Cake at Stake theme, with **Tree** and **Pen** talking to each other and **Black Hole** and **Remote** in the background.
* **P****en**: Boy, wasn't it wonderful to see our old pals again?
* **T****r****e****e**: We only saw them for ten seconds.
* **P****en**: That's ten more seconds than we normally get. Heck, I can't think of a better ending to an awesome act, can you?
* **T****r****e****e**: Only an *awesome* plane ride, heh. I can't believe you're following me to Australia again.
* **P****en**: How d'ya... D'aww, were you spying on me when I called the travel agent, Tree?
* **T****r****e****e**: Um...
* **P****en**: I love that! [*points at himself*] That's an extra pair of eyes on this good-lookin' fella.
* **Ar****esko**: [*in the background*] Bleh!

[*Tree looks away in Aresko's direction for less than half a second.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Hey, that's a good opener for my next book.
* **P****en**: Ah, your book!
* **T****r****e****e**: What of my book? You've finally started reading it?
* **P****en**: Whyyyy, as a matter of fact... I did! [*He didn't.*]
* **T****r****e****e**: [*excited*] Really? What did you like most about it?
* **P****en**: I'll show you!
* **T****r****e****e**: Whoa, you blue-capped devil. I know you like performing, but I prefer the privacy of the hotel rooftop. Not here, in front of all these people. [*points at everyone, who is busy doing their own thing*]
* **P****en**: Who am I? Eraser? I have a little something called class, y'know. /j [*smirks*] Bye.

[**Pen** *ruffles Tree's leaves, kisses him goodbye on the cheek and runs up the stairs. At the same time, enter* **Exix**.]

* **T****r****e****e**: [*sighing happily*] Haaaah.
* **Ex****ix**: You game-addled vegetable, he's obviously getting your book; why the hell did you think he'd demonstrate that?
* **T****r****e****e**: Liy, how long have you been listening? I thought you were playing horse with Coiny.
* **Ex****ix**: Nah, Coiny dropped out 'cause he's short. Sooo... have you asked him yet?
* **T****r****e****e**: Asked him what?
* **Ex****ix**: What do you think, Leigh?
* **T****r****e****e**: Aaargh, I know.
* **Ex****ix**: Tree. I cannot in good conscience allow you to take Pen home unless you get him to admit you're not just his bait and switch.
* **T****r****e****e**: What's fishing got to do with anything?
* **Ex****ix**: Sorry, I got my English mixed up. But you know what I mean.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yes, yes, of course. I'll tell him, but I've a good mind to say that we're meant for each other.

[*Exix starts walking backwards.*]

* **Ex****ix**: As long as he doesn't think of anyone else.
* **T****r****e****e**: Mm-hmm.
* **Ex****ix**: Now don't think I'm doing this to control you. I just want you to be happy and not make the same mistake I made. *Whoosh...*

[*Exix pretends to disappear by waving her arms up and down. At the same time, enter* **Pen**, *looking very worried.*]

* **P****en**: It's ***GOOOOOOOOONNNNE!***
* **T****r****e****e**: Okay. Loud.

[*Pen's shout has attracted some of the other contestants, who crowd around the front of the hotel.*]

* **Donut**: What's going on?
* **Winner**: What's gone?
* **P****en**: Tree's book! It's, it's not on our shelf!
* **N****a****ily**: Oh. It's not about us.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Nor is it relevant.
* **Ar****esko**: Carry on, people.

[*The crowd disperses.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: What do you mean the book's not on our shelf?
* **P****en**: I- it was there, and now it's not there any more, and I feel like it's all my fault 'cause I- I... *Oddio*, please don't be mad at me, Tree.
* **T****r****e****e**: Me, be mad at you? Come on, let's go upstairs. We need to talk about something.

[**Tree** *puts his arm around* **Pen** *and they walk into the hotel together.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: There, there.
* **P****en**: Puffball's right; I'm a bad boy.
* **T****r****e****e**: I hate to say this, but bad boys like you need to be punished, huh. /j

[*Tree playfully slaps Pen, who laughs quietly.*]

## Pre-contest

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**, *who carries* **Five** *on their back. They stare at the camera as everyone screams.*]

* **Two**: This is the only way that Five can teleport with me.
* **Five**: Whee, whee, faster, Horsey Twinkle Toes!

[*Beat.*]

* **Donut**: Well, you two look happy!
* **Two**: I'm feeling much better now, and I've got my trusty co-host Five to thank for that. Had it not been for his notoriously noiseless nostril massages, I wouldn't have been able to recover and you would all be stuck here for the rest of your—
* **Snowball**: Tell us the name of the next *CONTEST!*
* **Two**: Okay! It's...

[*Two and Five look at each other.*]

* **Two**: Oh, um...
* **Five**: Gosh.
* **Two**: We... don't have a contest right now.

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Then what were you doing during the preparation stage this morning?
* **Two**: [*Aside, to Five.*] Should we be frank about this?
* **Five**: Yes, let's be frank. Although I would like to use Five as my middle name.
* **Two**: That's not what I meant. [*Aloud.*] Dear contestants, we regret to inform you that we were reading.
* **B****o****k**: What? Reading?
* **Golf Ball**: Reading is the act of understanding written symbols.
* **B****o****k**: Of course I know that... [*points to herself*] But I never knew you two were literature buffs, Two and Five!
* **Baske****t****ball**: So *that's* why there was so much laughter this morning! Two and Five were *reading* instead of working on the *contest!* [*turns her head towards Bok*]
* **B****o****k**: A- a common hosting mistake were there one. So which genre were you reading? Magic realism? Scandi noir?
* **N****a****ily**: ***Manga?***
* **Two**: Actually, we were reading a comedy. I get that the author wanted it to be a romance, but it's just too funny! Whoever wrote this must be a long-time Equation Playground expat; why else could we be so entertained?
* **Five**: And how else could they know so much about object anatomy? Thank you, "Tere Leigh", for writing this!

[*Silence, as Black Hole and Remote, the only ones who know that Tree writes his books under a scrambled version of his name, look at each other.'*]

* **Five**: Oh. We're supposed to be talking about the contest.
* **Two**: Right. Just because we haven't got a contest at the moment doesn't mean we can't invent one on the spot.
* **Five**: That's right. I have a feeling that something will come up that will spark the creation of your thirtieth contest!

[*Two and Five giggle among themselves.*]

* **B****o****k**: What's so funny?
* **Five**: I say stuff like that all the time, and yet nothing ever happens! I must be the world's worst fortune teller or something.

[*All of a sudden, a meteor hits the earth right next to where Two and Five are standing. The impact pauses the screen and words appear on it. Instead of the usual sitcom version of the theme song, a smooth jazz piece is heard, presumably one that is composed by Kevin MacLeod.*]

* **?**: Smoky. Shiny. Rock.

**To be continued

in TPOT 30b

on a Monday in July 1983**

[*Roll credits.*]

## Notes

1. ↑ The correct answer is found in this music video.
2. ↑ A bit of context for your reference (which I can happily calculate because my spreadsheet-making program is back!):

	* **24 August 1981**: Episode 25a is filmed; the eliminated contestants are picked up by an unknown entity and sent to make guest (and possible permanent) appearances in *BFDI: Season 8*. So begins their ride to the newly-refurbished Yoyleland (affectionately known as "New Yoyleland"). During this journey, they have no access to the media and do not know what is going on in *TPOT*.
	* **17 May 1982** (266 days later): The contestants finally arrive on the set of Season 8 in New Yoyleland.
	* **19 May 1982** (2 days after their arrival): Filming for the pilot episode of Season 8 begins. Cake at Stake (the only part in which the contestants actually appear) is filmed relatively early in the period; they are still required to stay on set for this time.
	* **18 June 1982** (30 days after the start of filming): Filming for the pilot ends and the contestants are released. So begins their journey back home. It's a little longer for the reasons mentioned in the episode.
	* **13 March 1983** (268 days later): The contestants return to Mahaliland—the events of this episode also take place on this day. This exact date was confirmed by Remote in the previous episode.
3. ↑ The distance from Mahaliland (Rift Valley Province or today's Turkana, Kenya) to New Yoyleland (Istanbul, Turkey) is around 6,190 km by land. Since each trip took an average of 267 days, this means Uniqua was travelling 23.2 km per day, or 966 m per hour.
4. ↑ Little does anyone know from this line, but this episode is the beginning of Pen's downfall. That's right, our guy is going to be turned upside down emotionally very soon.
5. ↑ Weird trivia: TPOT is actually not the most popular season in the fake universe. Seasons 6 and 7 are much more popular and have received many more views and votes than even the original series. Ironically, the fifth season was the first to garner mainstream media attention in episode 25 because of the whole diplomatic incident with the Soviet Union, but TPOT is still on the level of "slightly more popular than post-split BFB" compared to the later series.
6. ↑ Something something "In humanaho": By 1983, Pen has un-permed his hair and Tree always wears a necktie—they both dress like "preps". But in the object world, they've also changed noticeably since they were last seen by the FC'ers: Tree has no wrinkles, and Pen wears his cap at a slightly different angle to how we're used to seeing him.
7. ↑ I completely forgot that the Cake at Stake platforms were meant to rotate. Let's just say they've been doing that since Golf Ball and Tennis Ball hosted.

**Fake TPOT** [V]