Heehoo Jumpsinwater

**Heehoo Jumpsinwater** is a common name found in every hotel ledger. Checked in, checked out, paid, but no one ever truly recalls who Heehoo really was. Was Mr. Jumpsinwater some sort of fake old pseudonym used by creepy murderers and homeward-bound junkies that wade between dimensions, or was this truly some sort of widely-traveled businessman with a queer name? It is said that stories about this alleged Heehoo figure tend to be validated, though it seems stories between different hotels and times don't really corroborate well.

For instance, take the story of Sneed Hardly:

### Sneed Hardly's Witnessing of a Murder at the Hotel Farthing in Point Pleasant Beach, NJ

"Sneed Hardly, a local bike rider and occasional sensitive thug, was cruising down Yonkerino Plaza when he heard the cracking of gunshots by the pier, followed by a loud splashing. When he went to investigate, he arrived on the Point Pleasant Pier, and found the body of Dirty Michael, the son of real estate developer 'Drunken' Mike Salarmo, and brother of Iconic Magnificent Gangster, Mario Salarmo. He (Sneed Hardly) is quoted,

''Yeeeeeeeeeah I was comin' outta the Drunken Mike's on Fuckwittit St and you would notta believe a' this, I'm walking, my bwalls are sweatin' from this fuckin scorchin' heat of 66 degrees Fahrenheit in New Jersey, I decide fuckit, I'm gonna walk to the pier, itsa good exercise, and fuckit, I ate too much gabbagool, I'm sweatin' like a fuckin pig \*two minutes of heavy laughter followed by heavy breathing\*.

So I'm walkin' to this fuckin' dock, thinkin' about Mike's Way, when suddenly I hear gunshots over the pier! I'm saying madonne, I have over two hundred dollas in my fuckin' wallet, No way I'm gettin robbed by a murderer! So, I run under the pier, It was low tide so my balls were getting cooled off by some of that slurmy woata, hehe. But I saw this cocksucka jump off the fuckin' pier! I couldn't see this guy's face, but he dove into the Atlantic like a heavy fuckin stone, and I felt his ripple against my bwalls, so I know he was a dense muthafucka.

But here's the worst fuckin part, he never rose to the surface. Not one bubble of air I saw. He didn't even fuckin' struggle for a fuckin' second. Just, like a piece a shit log afta Drunken Mike's, *plop*, gone.

I went up the pier afta about twenty minutes of soaking my sweaty balls in the woata, but nothin from this wata-jumpa. I did find a body.

A dead fuckin' body. Swear on my mutha's soul.

He'd been shot up, like some scene from the Godfatha'!

Anyways, I went back to my bike, which I had parked by a nearby hotel. I was staying thea' due to [REDACTED], when I went to reception to get a few towels between my beauty's leatha cushion and my damp nuts, \*10 minutes of uninterrupted laughter and coughing\*.

When I saw it.

A name.

His name,

I knew it was the divuh,

Heehoo Jumpsinwata[sic]'".

## Further Inquiries to be Printed:

* The Robbery at the Saint Seiya Church in Brazil, Five usings of the name "Heehoo Jumpsinwater" across 5 Hotels in Rio de Janeiro, BZ 1977
* Noted Hotel Sighting at the Hotel Ritz, Paris, FR 1944
* Hotel California's original lyrics
* H.H. Holmes' Four Logbooks, each with an attributed "Heehoo Jumpsinwater", and one of the first artifacts noted to share a logbook with equally mysterious "Heehoo Leapsinwater"
* The Hotel Transylvania movie backwards and 9000% Sped up nightc0re r3miX