The Martyrs of Sus

***The Martyrs of Sus, Tragedy in 3 Acts*** is a play written by Dr Herbert Mincedmeatsbourough, which premiered at the National Theatre in Wackel on October 1, followed by a dramatisation of The Legend of the Lavapit, also by Mincedmeatsbourough. The play dramatises the events that make up the sus massacre, in which members of the sussian religion in Póla were attacked by the so-called Anti Sus League.

Mincedmeatsbourough's most popular work, *The Martyrs of Sus* is one of the most critically acclaimed plays in server history, and ranks among the most frequently performed plays of the National Theatre.

## The Play

### Act 1

(Justice Square, occupied Póla. The sun is setting. Imperial banners are waving in the light wind.)

Narrator (wearing a regular man's clothing, entering from the left): "Two factions, alike in dignity, in fair Póla, where we lay our scene: Póla once was a glorious city, now occupied by Ostenbourg." (distant murmuring) "Now the Pólaese were not fond of Ostenbourg really. However, that changed upon a fateful night." (off)

Susian 1: "Here I am, with my sus brothers. We have come to Póla on our pilgrimage. Sussus, amogus, sus..." (murmurs susian words while dancingly walking around the stage)

Arny: (entering from the right, heavily armed) "Damn! Damn! Damn! Long times have I spent upon this earth, ...."

Susian 2: (to his fellow susians) "Who seems to be this suspicious crewmate?"

Arny: "...yet not have I witnessed such behaviour before! How vile, how disgusting! The league against any form of sus I shall form and cleanse this realm of its kind."

Susian 3: (stammering slightly) "I am scared I hath not seen such powerful fella in such strong space suit as his. I shall befriend this man!"

Arny: "I shall destroy those who utter the words such as the possessive pronoun of the third person singular in spanish."

Susian 2: (enthusiastically) "I will write our holy symbol for him." (writes ඞ upon a sign)

Arny: (reading the sign, gasping) "Death be upon ye! I spit upon thy idols!" (in utter rage) "You, you, ..."

Susian 1: "You have forsaken thy sus, I shall bone you!"

Arny: "...you, you boner!"

Susian 2: "Get him my sus brothers!"

Arny: "Death! Their kind shalt not walk upon this earth!" (he slays several susians among screams of pain and anger, few manage to flee to the sides)

Susian 4: (from the side, to himself) "This isn't good...I shall send form good old liege..." (off)

Arny: (satisfied) "I wonder how my shop's doing..."

Susian 4: (pointing towards Arny) "Thee, Governor of Polaburg, o wise avian owl."

Owltz: (stately) "I am the lord of this town. What seems to be thy problem, my friend?"

Arny: "I shalt rid this town of a great pest..."

Owltz: (looking around, to himself) "Oh what a horrible act! This man is killing my people."

Arny: "...A pest you seem unable to control. The susians are spreading, first slowly and painfully, yet after they reached a certain number their growth will hasten."

Owltz: "Dear lord, do not insult my sus, for they are mine and I shall assault thee back if thee go on slaying them."

Arny: "Slaying them would be too friendly to those who are part of the sus! Ha! I must cleanse..."

Owltz: (to himself) "On the Dark Gods, what do I hear? This man's words are full of hate."

Arny: "...mangle this city in the river until all stains have been washed off, for it is dirty, this city! Dirty, I say!"

Owltz: "You have no power here, good man. Leave my sus alone."

Arny: "I may remind you, good sir, that thy liege hath accumulated debt, debt he must pay onto mineself. And until, good sir, until thy liege pays back their debt, I shalt walk in thy liege's realms as I please."

Owltz: "How is that my concern I fail to see."

Arny: "Thy liege's concern shalt be thine concern, prince."

Owltz: "Do not I owe you debt, do not these people either. Leave at once if I say so."

Arny: (confidentally, visibly amused) "I say! Do try and make me!"

Owltz: (to himself) "Enough is enough, I shall act quick."

(They engage in combat, both fighting bravely. After not a particularly long time, Arny stands victorious.)

Arny: (triumphantly at first, rather sarcastically at last) "I seem to have secured mine position in this "fair" town, stained howevermuch it may be."

Owltz: (on the side, seeming injured) "On the dark gods! I shall alarm my liege!"

Arny: (turning around) "He shall come! Arrive upon his horse! Still, he will carry his debt with him, which he will not repay! And still, he will have no power upon mine person!"

Owltz: "Your debts are not my concern, good man, leave these people alone."

Arny: "The debt of thy emperor is the debt of thy emperor's nation. And if I am not mistaken, thou art a citizen of said nation, art thou not?"

(Owltz off)

### Act 2

Arny: "Still this town seems to be corrupted. I shall wash it further, I shall walk into every house! I shall find them all, all of those crewmates! I shall...!"

Susian 1: "Hah! I hath outsmarted thee, for I have brought my allies!"

Arny: (with a hint of fear) "Thy allies! Brainless minions I say!"

Susian 1: "Charge my sus!"

(Arny fights the forces brought by the susian, coming close to serious injury, standing victorious again)

Arny: (trying to cover up his being out of breath) "Thy allies! Where art thy allies now, heathen?"

Susian 1: (to himself) "He knows not that the UN forces are enroute!"

Arny: (to the audience) "Pah! Have thee smelled this fellow's scent? Disgusting I say!"

UN officer: "Here I am!" (noticing the misery surrounding him at Justice Square) "Oh, what a terrible sight! I, Wagner, hath never seen such bloodshed, even though I hath seen many..."

Arny: (grandiose in tone) "Great officer of the United Nations, hear my plea! For it is not I who thou shouldst fight against! It is the pest! The pest which will consume all that lives!"

UN officer: (ponderingly, speaking softly) "They do seem to be causing trouble..." (carrying an expression as if briskly woken from deep slumber) "Oh, what have I done!"

Arny: (sensing the incoming danger) "They- They have built their idols upon the great harbour of Póla!..."

UN officer: "Only now I realise that thee have attacked their people first! Thou shalt pay!"

(UN officer flees to the right shortly after starting a fight against Arny)

Arny: "Ha! These forces are those of the UN? I say, a spine they seem to not posses, for they have left most cowardly, while I am free to celebrate mine victory! Huzzah!"

### Act 3

(It has turned night)

Breadman: (storming onto the stage) "I am the Baron of Grainington and I hath come to and thy reign of terror!"

(Arny once again stands victorious following a rather short fight)

Breadman: (politely) "Oh, thou have defeated me in combat. A good fight it was."

Arny: (triumphantly, to the audience) "Have thee observed what arms they were carrying? A sword of iron! Ha! They seem to have sent a most comedic character."

Susian 5: (having observed the previous fights, visibly shocked, coming from behind a column) "Spare me, sus!"

Arny: "Ah! The sus, the devil! Beelzebub himself!"

Susian 5: "No, please! Don't kill me!"

Arny: "Why should I spare thee, heathen?"

Susian 5: "Sus loves all. If you spare his life, he shall grant you three wishe-"

Arny: "I shalt answer my own question, for there is no reason to spare thee! Death! Death upon thee!"

(He stabs the susian)

Arny: "Ha ha ha! How sweetly he shivered! How gently he cried!"

Pruski: (arriving grandly) "Enough with this!" (Arny turns around to see the Count) "You, evil man, I have come to save my sus, I the Count of Pommern!"

Arny: "The sus is only of itself, no normal man can claim possession of sus in such a manner." (seemingly bringing the Count's words back to mind) "Of Pommern, you say? Ha! I shall kill thee, just like thy bretherens!"

(They engage in great conflict, both equally great warriors. Due to having endured several fights already, Arny has to flee to avoid death)

Pruski: (truly triumphantly) "Ha! He had fled!"

(Pruski sits down next to the square's central fountain, ponderingly)

Pruski: (saddened) "I hath defeated the sus' foe, but at what cost? Oh! for every swing at him one sus perished. I hath failed in protecting the sus, I hath been late..."

Several susians: (arriving from the centre) "Fear not!"

Pruski: (visibly being filled with joy) "Ah?! The sus!"

Several susians: "For the sus, brother, shalt never die, it shalt persist at all times!"

(Curtain falls)

(End.)