The Most Exotic of Rugs

\*Thou seest that this manuscript has the stamp of "The Totally True Tale Society." They are a respected association that is dedicated to uncovering the truth, so thou *knowest* that this manuscript must be accurate.\*

Like a cyborg. Half human, half robot. Except not a cyborg. Instead of being half human and half robot, Mary was half city-dweller and half forest dweller. A forestborg. (Foreborg? Forg?) Mary's like, IDK, five years old? Also Albert was a forestborg. He was Mary's sister. We'll say he's also five. They lived in a medium-small hut-shackle-house just outside the city walls amidst a bunch of surrounding pine trees, but they didn't live past the official forest line. Forestborgs. Man, the word seems cooler with every time I say it. Albert and Mary's mother wasn't a forestborg, because she never went into town; instead, she made her two kids do all the menial labor that required traveling to town, because that's what kids are for. Their father wasn't a forestborg either. He never went to town, nor did he go to the forest, nor did he go anywhere at all. He just spent all day six feet under. Every day, Mary and Albert had to walk through the city gates to school. After walking through miles of semi-forest between their cabin and the city, navigating their way through the twisting city streets, and reaching the classrooms of the brightest scholarly minds in the kingdom, Albert and Mary would doodle on their papers and make paper airplanes. They used the same paper for both the doodling AND the paper airplanes, so the paper airplanes had little doodles on them! How cool is that? Now, thou art probably wondering "well, if they have to walk so far to get to the city to wast the time of the most intelligent scholarly minds in the kingdom, why don't they just live in the city instead of being forestborgs?" Good question. In fact, that's such a good question that if thou were actually in front of me I would give thou a "Thou Rockest!" sticker as a reward for asking such insightful and over analytic questions. But thou are not actually in front of me. Thou art reading this manuscript in some dusty library, watching thy hopes and dreams for a "Thou Rockest!" sticker fade before thy very eyes. The reason Albert and Mary live outside the city is because every evening after school they have to travel into the woods and hunt 9 headed man-eating sheep bears for the creatures' wool-hair so that they could give the wool-hair to their mother who would knit rugs. Yes, their mother was the most renowned rug maker in the city. Although she wasn't in the city. She was in the semi-forest outside of the city. The point is, people came far and wide to buy rugs from the famous "Mary and Albert's Mom's Rug Business!" After an especially prosperous winter of rug making, summer came around, and a blight spread among the rug bushes. The blight had short, stubby legs, so one would think that the blight wouldn't spread very far, right? Wrong. If I had given thou that "Thou Rockest!" sticker beforehand, I would be ripping it off thy tunic right now for thinking something so naive. It's ignorant people like thou who allowed for the spread of the blight. All it took was for a few strands of infected rug string to be installed in a flying carpet and the blight was quickly spread across the kingdom.

Day 1.

In the middle of wrestling a 9-headed man-eating sheep bear, Albert commented "I heard that there was a rug blight epidemic happening."

"It's probably no big deal," Mary responded

Day 7,300

Albert looked at the calendar pined to the wall with the rib-bone of a nine headed man-eating sheep bear. "Well, I did not expect this blight to last twenty years," Albert commented.

"That's because it hasn't!" Mary exclaimed suddenly.

"What dost thou meanest?" Albert said, looking up from the calendar excitedly.

"Thou art forgetting about leap years."

\*Faceplam.\*

"We need to rescue our mother's rug business!" Mary exclaimed. "There must be a way! We must do it in memory of our dearest mother!"

Thou seest, Albert and Mary's mother still wasn't a forestborg, but now she wasn't a foresborg in the same way that their father wasn't a foresborg.

"We also need to rescue the rug business because we were irresponsible in our younger years and we are incapable of functioning in any career other than that of the rug business," Albert added. "This is likely due to psychological trauma we experienced from fighting nine heading man-eating sheep bears at the age of 5."

"I have an idea!" Mary exclaimed. She exclaimed pretty much anything she said. "As thou knowest, the handbag industry is flourishing this time of year!"

"Why yes it is," Albert acknowledged. Then his eyes went wide as the epiphany hit him "Why, I do believe I comprehend what thou art suggesting! Thou art suggesting that we buy plentiful and subsequently cheaply priced purses en masse, sew them together to form rugs, and then sell said rugs at drastically marked up prices!!!"

"What, no, I was going to suggest that we spend what little money we have buying a bunch of handbags to drown our sorrows in. But I guess that works too."

The two siblings got to work, and it wasn't long before "Mary and Albert's Mom's Rug Business!" became successful, and Mary and Albert became millionaires.

Day 7,303

"Man, being a millionaire is great!" Mary exclaimed.

At that moment she and Albert were started by a forceful knock at the door of their cabin-hut-shack-I-don't-remember-what-it-was.

Mary got up from his chair, setting aside the purses that she was sewing into rugs, and opened the door.

A mysterious old man in a hood greeted her. In his left hand he dragged a wheelbarrow-cart hybrid full of strange oddities, and in his right hand he carried a wooden staff.

"Greetings," the old man greeted.

"Hello! I'm Mary from 'Mary and Albert's Mom's Rug Business!' How can I help thee today?" Mary exclaimed.

"Thou must listen to me! I don't have much time!"

"Good, because the sooner Thou leavest with whatever wares thou art peddling in that ambiguously defined wheelbarrow-cart hybrid the sooner I can go back to making millions!"

"Thy status as a millionaire will mean nothing in the upcoming days! The sky will grow dark and the earth shall be torn asunder! was once like thee, kid. Young, impatient, overconfident. AND IGNORANT! My ignorance cost me everything. But there is still hope for thee! Perhaps thou can succeedest where I failedest. Listen carefully to everything I say and follow it exactly! First, change thy name. This is imperative. The name "Mary and Albert's Mom's Rug Business!" is terrible. It lacks a catchy ring to it, and it has been outdated since the passing of thine mother. Second, thou must rebrand thy business. The younger generation believes that rugs are just for old people! Thou must prove them wrong! Buy the coolest, most hip purses on the market and sew *them* into rugs! The younger generation will love it! If thou followest mine advice, there is a chance, however so slim, that thou might surpass the menial acomplishment of "millionaire" and become....a legend! A ***MULTI***-millionaire!" The old man's eyes bulged as he said this.

"Hmm..." Albert contemplated. "Perhaps thou art right. Thine wisdom hath opened up mine eyes."

Under the old man's guidance, Albert and Mary created Carpy the Carpet Carp, the brand mascot. They named their business to "Rug Radicals!" They changed the rug pricing from "$9" to "$9.99." They advertised the economically sustainable method in which they repurposed old purses to become rugs. They changed the pricing from "$9.99" to "$9.99 ...and your soul." They hired pirate ninja hybrids (pirateborgs? Ninjaborgs? Nirateborgs?) to eliminate the competing rug businesses. Then they were smashed by a herd of nine headed man-eating sheep bears who wanted revenge for being hunted all their lives for their legendary wool-hair.

As he lay smashing, Albert knew that he had one final change to make. One that could alter the course of the universe.

"We must name our creation..." Albert choked out as the thunderstorm raged around him.

"The name must be fitting of the rug's greatness!" Mary exclaimed, and then doubled over in pain because she was smashing and making loud exclamations hurt her ribs. "Never before has there been such a magnificent rug as ours, fashioned out of the carcasses of handbags!"

"I've got it," Albert whispered, coughing. "As the ultimate rug, one fashioned out of purses, we must call our creation...

...The Pursian Rug!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Yes! YESSSSS!!!!!!" Mary cackled! With her last breath, Mary snatched up a stick and scrawled the following in the dirt:

"Persian Rug!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Thou spelled "pursian" wrong." Albert said. Then he smashed.

And that's how the Persian Carpet was created.

Incidentally, Persian Cats came about about in the exact same manner.