Eat Your Soul Out

**Eat Your Soul Out** is episode 145b of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on May 6, 2006.

## Synopsis

Bernadette discovers her soulmates are Igor and Abdul.

## Cast

* Rachael Lillis as Bernadette and Mandy
* Edward Felker as Igor and Abdul
* Jessica DiCicco as Lola

Although Edward doesn't appear, he is mentioned by Mandy at the beginning.

## Trivia

* Although this episode premiered in 2006, it was produced in 2005 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.
* The Luigi Board is an obvious parody on ouija boards, as well as Luigi from the *Mario Bros* franchise.
* At one point, Igor blatantly says "See you, space cowboy", which is a reference to the intertitle found at the end of most episodes from the 1998 anime, *Cowboy Bebop*.
* This is one of the few episodes to take place entirely at night.
* The title is based on the saying, "eat your heart out".
* Abdul pronouncing "picnic" as "pic-a-nic" is a reference to the Hanna-Barbera character, Yogi Bear, who tends to pronounce it that way, more often than not.
* An Aesop: Don't judge someone based on their exterior qualities. They can be more complex and well-meaning than you think of them as.

## Transcript

(As the episode's title appears, a shot of the moon is seen, and it's brightly glowing)

**Bernadette:** (offscreen) Shhh! I think it's happening!

(The solar system aligns together)

**Bernadette:** Right there! (she puts down her telescope, and turns her attention to Lola and Mandy, with the camera revealing they're in Bernadette's room) The planets have finally aligned! Now it's time for our sceance!

**Lola:** I sure do love the Luigi Board.

**Mandy:** (excitedly) There's nothing more natural than asking an inanimate object named after a dead Italian plumber on how to think and feel!

**Bernadette:** What do you think we should ask it first?

**Lola:** Hmmm...

**Mandy:** I was wondering if we should ask it who our soulmates are!

**Bernadette:** That sounds intriguing.

**Lola:** (grunts) Well, what if *some* of us are already with a burden for all eternity?

**Mandy:** Silly Lola, we're not talking about Carver.

**Bernadette:** Soulmates are your cosmic co-pilots.

**Mandy:** Your knight in shining armor!

**Bernadette:** Oh! Excellent point, Mandy. That's why it's very important to know who your soulmate is at all times.

**Lola:** Yeah yeah, whatever, we can start with this soulmate thing.

**Mandy:** I'll go first!

(They grab the board's planchette)

**Mandy:** Luigi Board, who is my soulmate?

(The planchette spells out "EDWARD")

**Mandy:** (gasps) Did you see what it said?

**Lola:** (rolling her eyes) Yes, very clear.

**Mandy:** (her pupils turn into hearts) Edward!

**Lola:** Tell us something we DON'T know.

**Bernadette:** (rubs her hands together) Alright, my turn! (closes her eyes) I already know my soulmate will be a rugged, intellectual spaceman who will take me on adventures through the universe! All I need to know is his name. Luigi Board, who is my soulmate?

(It spells out "IGOR")

**Bernadette:** (nervously chuckles) For a minute there, I almost thought it said "Igor", as in Igor Shewhosaw! Let's try it again! Who is my soulmate?!

(It spells out "IGOR" again)

**Bernadette:** I-G-O-R?! (gasps) It's true! (tears up) Igor is, my soulmate! He's as dumb as a pile of rocks!

**Mandy:** Look, it's still moving!

(It's spelling out "ABDUL")

**Mandy:** "Abdul"?! Well, which guy is it?

(It spells out "BOTH!", but then the planchette's glass shatters to pieces)

**Bernadette:** "BOTH"?! OH NOOOO!!!! (cries hysterically) WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!

**Lola:** Alright, nerdy, listen up! (snaps her fingers twice) The Luigi Board must have paired you guys together for a reason. Maybe they're the most compatible guys in the universe or something. (clears her throat and speaks quickly) For you.

**Mandy:** Has the Luigi Board ever been wrong?

**Bernadette:** (sighs) No.

**Mandy:** That's good. Now, go give them a chance.

**Bernadette:** I'll try. I mean, they can't be as dumb as everybody says they are.

(Camera immediately cuts to Igor and Abdul's dorm room. Igor is making racecar noises while holding onto a loose steering wheel. Abdul applies windshield spray onto Igor's eyes, and he screams bloody murder as his eyes burn)

(Abdul rubs a towel on Igor's eyes. Igor now has eyelashes and sparkling pupils)

**Igor:** Ah! Much better! (hands Abdul a $5 bill) Here you go, sir!

**Abdul:** Thank you!

(Outside of the boys' dorm, Bernadette has been observing this from a pair of binoculars. She anxiously gulps, and she starts writing on a sheet of paper)

**Bernadette:** (mumbling as she jots down the following) Dear Igor and Abdul, meet me at the flower field at 8 for a romantic candle-lit dinner. Your soulmate, Bernadette.

(She folds it into a paper airplane and sends it flying)

(It crashes through the window of Igor and Abdul's room. It lands inside Abdul's nose)

**Igor:** (picks it up) What is it?

**Abdul:** (squeezes it out of his nostrils, also squeezing out his tiny brain) I think it's a donut.

**Igor:** (sniffs it) It smells sweet like a donut. (and again)

**Abdul:** That's cuz it went inside my nose.

**Igor:** Oh.

(Beat)

(He sniffs it a third time)

**Abdul:** Wait! I smell food too!

**Igor:** I know. (points to the letter) This is a donut.

**Abdul:** Are you stupid? It smells like a pic-a-nic, and this must be a raffle ticket for a donut giveaway. (a cow mooing sound effect plays as his eyes cross)

**Igor:** Do you wanna go to the picnic?

**Abdul:** I know you are, but what am I?

(The camera transitions to the duo running to the flower field)

**Igor:** I *smell* the food, but I don't *see* the food.

**Bernadette:** (offscreen) Yoo-hoo! Boys! (the camera cuts to her sitting at a table with a candle and red-and-white tablecloth) I'm over here!

**Igor:** (to Abdul) Maybe she knows where the food is! (they head over to the table)

**Bernadette:** I see you didn't have any problems following the directions on the invitation.

(We see a disturbing closeup of Igor and Abdul drooling as they giggle)

(Bernadette nervously chuckles, and we see an even more disturbing closeup of Igor and Abdul giggling and drooling again. Bernadette chuckles once more, and this continues until we see a triple-more disturbing closeup of the duo doing the same thing as a fart sound effect plays)

**Bernadette:** So...would you care to grab a seat?

**Both:** Ok.

(They sit on the ground)

**Bernadette:** Wouldn't you guys rather use the chairs?

**Both:** (nodding) Uh-huh.

(Beat as Bernadette stares at them in silence, blinking twice)

(Abdul raises his hand)

**Bernadette:** Yes?

**Both:** FOOD!!!!

(The stench of their breaths reach over to Bernadette's nose, and she crinkles into an elderly woman right before pulverizing into dust. She then turns back to normal)

**Bernadette:** (takes out breath mints) Uhhh...maybe you would like to start with an after-dinner mint? (clears her throat) Before dinner.

**Both:** Ok! (they grab some and loudly chew on it, melting down their chins, and they extend their hands for more) Can we have another?

(The camera focuses on a closeup of their dirty, sticky hands)

**Bernadette:** (nervously chuckles and takes out disinfectant wipes) Wet wipes, anyone?

**Both:** Ok.

(Bernadette rubs their hands squeaky clean, and then she gets taken aback by how dirty their arms are, which she proceeds to wipe down as well)

(She then wipes their faces, wipes Igor's back, cleans out Abdul's earwax with a q-tip, clips their nails, and plucks a single eyelash from a smiling Abdul, who quietly lets out a tear of pure agony)

(Igor and Abdul are heard laughing from the inside of the boys' dorm's downstairs restroom while the showers are running, and the camera transitions to Bernadette sitting back down)

**Bernadette:** Well, you two cleaned up very nicely.

(Igor and Abdul are revealed to be wearing tuxedos now, and they are also sparkling clean)

**Abdul:** (checks out his fingernails) I'll say! I can see my reflection in my fingernails! (waves to all five of them) Hi!

**Bernadette:** (takes out plates of baked ziti) Ziti, anyone?

**Abdul:** (he and Igor take them) Don't mind if I do!

**Bernadette:** So... (chuckles) how about some light, romantic conversation? You can start by asking me a question.

**Both:** DO YOU HAVE ANY BUTTER?

(Beat as she hands them a stick of butter)

**Bernadette:** Anyway, I think this is a great place for a candle-lit picnic like soulmates. (Igor and Abdul are heard burping and munching in the background) Originally, I was thinking about doing it near Lakeside Lake, but then Mandy said, "Oh, you know, the ol' flower field has a better view." So, here we are!

(She leans in closer)

**Bernadette:** Anyway, what are your opinions on Albert Einstein's theory of relativity?

(Igor and Abdul are gnawing down the butter. Suddenly, the latter's stomach begins growling. He lifts up his suit and shushes Igor and Bernadette)

**Abdul:** My tummy's talking.

**Igor:** My tummy can talk too!

(Abdul stares intensely at it. Igor peeks his head down)

**Igor:** (whispering to his stomach) Speak to me!

(Bernadette stares at them)

**Abdul:** Maybe you're not trying hard enough.

(Igor grunts and constipates hard. Then, he leans in to hear better. Nothing)

**Abdul:** Try harder.

(Igor grunts louder and constipates harder. Veins start pulsating from his body, and he lets out an ungodly scream)

(Still nothing)

**Abdul:** Nope. Still don't hear anything.

**Igor:** (starts punching his gut) ***WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?!?!?!? IS IT BECAUSE I'M NOT HANDSOME ENOUGH?!?!?!?!? MY MOM SAYS I GET LOTS OF GIRLS, JUST SO YOU KNOW!!!!!!***

**Abdul:** (punches Igor's gut as well) ***YEAH!!!!!! SAY SOMETHING, YOU CRAZY BROAD!!!!!!!!!***

**Igor:** (instantly becomes calm again) Hey, that kinda hurt a little.

**Abdul:** Sorry.

(Beat)

(They start beating each other up to a pulp, punching each other's guts)

**Igor:** (in the background) ***HEY!!!!!!! COME ON, TALK!!!!!!!!! ANSWER ME!!!!!!!! DO I LOOK LIKE A BOOK TO YOU?!?!?!?!?***

**Abdul:** (in the background) ***TALK!!!!!!!!! YEAH, TALK ALREADY!!!!!!!!! COME ON!!!!!!! GIVE US SOME CONVERSATION, LADY!!!!!!!!!***

**Bernadette:** Uhh...boys, did you know that Isaac Newton's favorite color was red? But...mine's orange!

(The duo stops fighting, although they're holding each other in a chokehold)

**Igor:** I don't know about orange, but I can turn myself blue.

(He lets go and lets out a great, mighty inhale. He starts holding in his breath and pinches his nose as hard as he can. He loudly whines for air while tears come out of his eyes)

**Bernadette:** Uh, so they say that orange is the favorite color for most scientific-minded- (stops) ***IS HE OK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?***

(Igor is now completely blue, and all the air has left his body by now)

**Abdul:** (whispering) Psst. Are you ok?

**Igor:** (releases his fingers from his nose) Am I blue yet?

**Abdul:** No.

(Igor resumes holding in his breath)

**Abdul:** (smiles) He's fine!

(Bernadette's face is completely blank)

**Bernadette:** (in her mind) So, this is who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

(The duo blows chocolate milk bubbles with straws)

**Bernadette:** (on the verge of breaking down) Never question the universe, Bernadette...it's never wrong...

(Abdul scratches and sniffs his armpits four times)

**Bernadette:** Never...

(Igor picks at a piece of ziti stuck in his gums, and Abdul sticks his tongue out to reveal half-eaten trash)

(Bernadette's head turns into a dynamite out of fury, and she completely explodes, only leaving vapor behind. It reassembles to form Bernadette in perfect condition)

**Bernadette:** (yelling) ***THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE NOT MY SOULMATES!!!!!!!!!!*** (starts putting the utensils away) ***THE UNIVERSE WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S OFF-KILTER AND INACCURATE!!!!!!!!***

**Igor:** (scratching his buttocks) What's "kilter"?

**Bernadette:** ***NOT KILTER!!!!!!!!! OFF-KILTER!!!!!!!!!!*** (facepalms and yells the following hard enough to cause an earthquake) ***IT'S BUSTED!!!!!!!!! FAULTY!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

**Igor:** "Broken"?

**Bernadette:** (crying) ***BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!*** (runs away sobbing)

(The duo scratches their armpits)

**Igor:** I think she got upset.

**Abdul:** Yeah, I think she got upset.

**Igor:** Somebody broke her universe.

**Abdul:** I agree, somebody broke her universe.

(Crickets chirping)

**Igor:** (becomes stern) We should fix it.

**Abdul:** Yeah, we should fix it.

**Igor:** (raises his fist in the air) Fix it for Bernadette!

**Abdul:** (does the same) Yeah, fix it for what's-her-name!

(They stand on top of the table)

**Both:** (chanting) YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH!

(The camera transitions to Bernadette crying in her dorm room, holding the Luigi Board)

**Bernadette:** (sniffles) It's not your fault, Luigi Board. (holds it up) Where do we go from here?!

(Suddenly, she hears construction noises, and she takes a peek out the window)

**Igor:** (offscreen) Easy now.

(He and Abdul are seen pushing a highly advanced rocketship, and they are both donning astronaut uniforms)

**Abdul:** Don't push on the back rusters.

**Bernadette:** (in disbelief) Is that...Igor and Abdul in astronaut suits? (grins) And pushing a rocketship?!

(Outside, they gently stop pushing)

**Igor:** Universe rocket's a go!

**Abdul:** Side mirrors?

**Igor:** (lazily places one on the rocket) Check.

**Abdul:** Oxygen supplies?

(They squeeze their astronaut outfit's oxygen supplies, briefly inflating their heads)

**Igor:** Check.

**Abdul:** Ignition?

**Igor:** (takes out a match) Check.

(Bernadette is heard stepping outside)

**Bernadette:** Igor? Abdul? Is that you?

**Igor:** Huh?

**Both:** Oh! (waves) Hi!

**Bernadette:** (runs up to them and tightly hugs them) You *are* my soulmates! (squeezes them and squeals)

**Abdul:** No. All we did was build a rocket out of a paper clip and pocket lint.

**Igor:** (holds up a wrench) And we brought this to fix it.

**Bernadette:** There's no need to fix it now! (touches their chests) You guys are in spacesuits, and you engineered a finely-crafted space rocket ingeniously made from material you found in your pockets! It wasn't the universe that was wrong! It was *me!*

(The duo is awkwardly looking at her)

**Bernadette:** (clapping) Oh, this is so exciting! This means we can travel space as a cosmic trio! That is...if you guys accept me as your soulmate.

**Abdul:** Yes. But here, (rips off a part of his spacesuit) you will need this. It'll keep you warm.

**Bernadette:** (hops up and down) Alright! Let's go! (dashes off to the inside of the ship) Come on, we're wasting time!

**Igor:** Ok. (lights the match and ignites a line leading to the spaceship)

**Bernadette:** (through the window) Come on!

(Igor and Abdul run in and buckle in their seatbelts)

**Igor:** Hey, Abdul.

**Abdul:** Yeah?

**Igor:** I forgot the wrench.

**Abdul:** You forgot the wrench?

**Igor:** You think we should get it?

**Abdul:** I think we should get it.

(They unbuckle their seatbelts and walk out of the spaceship)

**Bernadette:** This is going to be the greatest moment of my life!!!

(The rocket launches, and Bernadette cheers)

(Not too long after that, the engine sputters, and the rocketship explodes, leaving only the upper half of it)

**Bernadette:** (sadly) Ohhhhh...thank goodness *that's* over.

(The engine starts back up)

**Bernadette:** NO NO! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!

**Abdul:** (laying down on the ground) What's it doing now?

**Igor:** Second-stage clusters, remember?

**Abdul:** Oh yeah.

(The rocket's remains blast off, and Bernadette screams as it flies through space, past the moon's craters, and through the edge of the universe)

**Igor:** (waving to the sky) See you, space cowboy.

(Bernadette ends up exploding into a constellation shaped after her, and she weakly groans in pain)

**Igor:** She is one brave trooper.

**Abdul:** Yeah, she is one brave trooper.

(The stars in the sky collapse, and Bernadette screams)

**Igor:** Are you my soulmate?

**Abdul:** (disgusted) No, I'm your best friend!

**Igor:** Oh. Girls and their romantic feelings are so confusing.

(They walk away)

(Iris out)

("The End" screen)

(Episode ends)