Seaside Treats

Seaside Treats is the video given with "Seaside bags" formerly sold at concerts, setting three songs from the album to alternative comedy sketches by the band.

## The Consultant's Flower Garden

> Ladies and Gentlemen! For your entertainment: The Consultant's Flower Garden!
>
>

Opening with an announcement, the video starts with a series of different clips of the Consultant turning to look at the camera, also showing him at a telephone and ending with his signing of a document - finishing it off by putting a bow tie on it.

> Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for showing an interest in The Consultant's Flower Garden. We would like to surprise you all, but we also feel that you may be disappointed.
>
>

A series of transitions between flat colours is shown, explained as being what roughly is going to happen in the video, along with a demonstration of music.

### Whoops a daisy!!

This section provides the brunt of the comedy sketches provided by the video, involving band members' interactions with The Consultant regarding The Consultant's Flower Garden.

> Now as we all know, making a film is not an easy thing to do, and everything doesn't always go to plan. Cardiacs, being loveable funsters and bloody good sports, have decided to share some of the clips that didn't quite go right - what a treat, like a sweet!
>
>

After the introduction of the section, a clip plays of Tim Smith attempting to shut up persons offscreen and bellowing that he "can't do it".

> This is William D. Drake, sometimes we call him Bill. The Consultant... will never call him Bill because his hatred for him is far too great.
>
>

First to be introduced is William D. Drake, who responds with his special joke: "Fatty and Skinny had a bath, Fatty popped off and Skinny laughs". His subsequent laughter is reprimanded with a "shut up" from offscreen. His subsequent joke in the next clip regarding "a sign outside your house saying everyone is plappy" results in a reprimand from The Consultant.

> Sometimes The Consultant might tell him off. Like when Bill put his shoes on the stove, The Consultant will say:
> "We call them acci-don'ts because we don't want them to happen!"
>
>

After another clip of a second telling-off by The Consultant, it is explained that all of Bill's beautiful thoughts "collected over many long years vanished, and probably won't ever come back" - set to a backdrop of childlike drawings of a flower, sun, sheep, and distant birds appearing before disappearing at once to a black screen.

A clip showing the shoes of dancing people - one in dress shoes and another in trainers - plays accompanied with funky music. William D. Drake is then shown looking down, accompanied by the words "I hate you" from a flashback of The Consultant, but after panning over to his glum face it then transform into a gleeful smile.

> Like the time when The Consultant... found Bill interfering with himself in his room.
> "And what do you think you're doing?"
>
>

Bill is shown "interfering with himself", prompting an amused reaction along with questioning from The Consultant when he discovers him. The same childlike drawing sequence is shown before cutting to the next scene.

> The Consultant told Jim that he must never interfere with himself, so he doesn't. The Consultant says only those pure of heart will be worthy of being represented in The Consultant's Flower Garden, but I tell him to FUCK OFF.
>
> And he thanks me for it in the end.
>
>

Jim Smith is seen sitting in a field in front of his trees and then standing in a field scratching his head, while the voiceover plays concerning what The Consultant told him. The childlike drawing sequence is shown again, being cut off by an exclamation about telling to fuck off.

### The Consultant's Flower Garden

> And now Ladies and Gentlemen, set to the foot-tapping melodies of cats in pugwash: The Consultant's Flower Garden.
>
>

As promised, The Consultant's Flower Garden plays, complete with the blank coloured screens transitions demonstrated at the start, along with some music.

## Pt. 1 a little man and a house

The music video of A Little Man and a House, featuring imagery of tossing-and-turning in bed and the band playing in a dark room lit only by windows.

## Pt. 2 R.E.S.

> poor soldier . . .
>
>
>
>
> despite all
>
>    his charms
>
>
> . . . while he slept,
>
> they cut off
>
>      his arms
>
>
> and he said . . .
>
>
>
>
>
> . . . thank you sir.
>
>

> . . . and come the day,
>
>
>
> when a seaside treat
>
> will be disguised as
>
> a seaside sweet.
>
> Then, and only then
>
> will you say,
>
>
>
>
> "oh what a treat."
>
>

Opening with a wartime photograph of soldiers suffering at a beach, titled "Seaside Treats", the slides change to text detailing a story about a soldier whose arms were cut off in his sleep, followed by a narrated cryptic message detailing when you will say "oh what a treat".

The music video for R.E.S. then follows.

## Pt. 3 TO GO OFF AND THINGS

> A little man and a house . . .
>
>
>
>
> . . . an untidy house in suburbia
>
> with a little man in it.
>
>
> The little man can see the whole
>
> world from the window of the house
>
> but, the world can't see him.
>
>
>
>
> Squalor is at large
>
> in tidy suburbia . . .
>
>
>
>
> . . . filth and dirt
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> abound in every
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>       corner,
>
>
>
>
> Left . . .
>
>
>
>
> . . . TO GO OFF
>
>
>
>
>    AND THINGS
>
>

Following introductory text about the little man in a house, the music video for To Go off and Things plays.

## Epilogue

> Well? Happy now, are we?
>
>
>
> Is everybody happy?
>
> We know a few characters that aren't so happy, don't we?
>
> So I figured I'd give the boys a holiday!
>
>
>
>
> I'll let them tell you all about it.
>
>

Following pen clicking at the end of To Go off and Things, The Consultant asks "Is everybody happy", before concurring with the viewer that there are actually "characters that aren't so happy", deciding to give a holiday to them and let you be told all about it.

> I don't know why none of us know, really.
>
>
>
> I had the plate in my hand, in my two hands: three hands, four hands! Slap my hand.
>
>
>
>
> Who has the mug, who has the mug? Mister, mister, mister plug!
>
>

> Everybody laughed, we were all so happy!
>
> Jim came running down the hill!
>
>

## Credits

```
cast      Tim Quy
          Tim Smith
          Jim Smith
          Sarah Smith
          William D. Drake
          Dominic Luckman

also...   Wendy Smith
          James Stevans
          Mark Cawthra

    music performed by .................... CARDIACS
           composed by ....................Tim Smith
   incidental music by .................... William D. Drake
            lyrics for
'to go off and things'
           composed by .................... Mark Cawthra

cameras and lighting by ........ Nick Elborough
                                 Mark Francombe
                                 Pete Sylvester

edited by ........ Nick Elborough
                   Mark Francombe

at the Portsmouth Video Workshop

produced and directed by
        Tim Smith

     filmed on location
    Raymond Fort Studios
            and
   The Overground Theatre
Kingston upon Thames, Surrey

           Cardiacs gratefully acknowledge
              the assistance given by...
Bill Hilles                         Nick Elborough
Robin & Chris Fracella              Mark Francombe
Max & his friends                   Pete Sylvester
Colvin Mayes                        Lesley Bradley
Mark Cawthra                        Sally Alexander
Mark Walmesley                      Dave Baker
John & Karen Bentham                Chris Curtis
                  ...and the Consultant

       an
  Urban Picnic
   Production

      for

A L P H A B E T

     ©1985

```