244: Saying Someone Sucks Is Evil

## Summary

As the party's journey downriver towards Beartoggle nears it's conclusion, the group discuss how to deal with Hilula so that they are free to explore the city without fear of being betrayed to the local authorities. They eventually decide the plan is to put her under house arrest on the ship-in-a-box, with Mo as guard, while the rest of them go on ahead. They spend the night arguing about which of Will's suits to disguise Raphina in, and the following morning they finally arrive at Beartoggle Lake, on the outskirts of the city.

## Synopsis

Will explains to Gwen that he's really not an outdoors person and doesn't like sharing too much about himself. He pleads that they each be left to do their own thing. *"You are a princess that doesn't want to be a princess. I am whatever I am that wants to be whatever I am."* Gwen clarifies that she isn't a princess any more, since her family don't recognise her as part of the family any more. She says she doesn't have any issue with that, because she never chose to be a princess and doesn't want to be one. Will says that to be born at the top of the social ladder and then to reject it, is an abhorrent idea. He considers having nice things and being wealthy as a perfectly valid way of living. Gwen clarifies *"I don't want people to to look up to me or to like me because of something I was born into. I want people to respect me for what I've done to make a name for myself"* and Will has to agree with that sentiment. He explains that it's the idea that you would reject a life of privilege *"when living on the opposite of that is just the worst. It's the worst."* Gwen says she knows what that's like, having worked her way up from nothing to build her candy store business. *"And now I have nothing again, except a box that turns into a boat."*

Will suddenly realises that Gwen is only carrying a small pouch (the one she was carrying her sticky bricks in) and the magical purple pouch, and nothing else. Gwen says she has a little bit of money with her, but everything else she owned is gone. Will points out that this is why that organisation deserved everything that they had coming to them and that the party dealt with all that bad stuff pretty effectively. *"We kind of took a lot of stuff from that town"* says Will. On second thoughts, he decides he doesn't want to shoulder all the blame. *"I mean, Batthwack also stole."* There's the briefest pause while Will realises that Gwen doesn't know that. *"I'm just kidding. It was a joke. Batthwack never steals. He's a paladin"* he says, and Gwen realises Will must be right. *"I like to shit all over Batthwack because, you know, the first thing he ever said to me after he killed a bunch of zombies, he comes up all sweaty and giant, he has a sword and it's all disgusting, and he's like, 'the good among you have nothing to fear.'"* This last part is spoken in Will's best deep-throated thug voice.

In a move that disappoints Will, Gwen says she thinks Batthwack's introduction sounds *"pretty delightful"*. Will can't understand what's good about someone deciding they're the judge of what's good and evil, especially given that the same individual wanted to kill a child (even if they were a werewolf child). Gwen asks if Batthwack really is a paladin and Will says *"Yes, he's insufferably good. He wants to kill all evil things, but he's doing things right now that are just, you know, sketchy. But he's, I think, very principled, albeit confused."* His point is, good and evil isn't so black and white as people think and Gwen agrees with that. Hi fixes Gwen with a stare and says *"Right. So would you kill a werewolf child?"* Gwen hesitates. *"No... I mean, unless it was to stop him from doing that to anyone else again, then I guess."* Will argues that the child is a victim of circumstance, influenced by their environment. Gwen points out that sometimes you have no choice. For example, they had to stop Crumplemeyer. Will mentions how Gwen once told him that stealing was evil, and she stands by that. Will is incredulous. *"It's evil? It's* EVIL*? Gwen, this is why I don't tell you shit"* he says as he turns and starts walking away.

Gwen says *"Well, how well do you know Raphina?"* and Will stops in his tracks. *"I just met her. But she is not a serial killer. And if you think that you're going to do anything to her, you're going to have a problem with the person who is standing in front of you."* Will's tone is deadly serious. He tells Gwen how he overheard Hilula and Dew planning together how they were going to put Raphina in jail when they got to Beartoggle. *"Believe me, I know people who kill people for a living, okay? They're not anything like Raphina. She makes friends with worms."* Gwen can't argue that the idea of Raphina being a serial killer is anything other than totally ridiculous, but also points out that Hilula hasn't hurt them either. Will says this is because she's weak on her own and is only biding her time until they reach the city. Gwen agrees that they shouldn't just waltz in there together. Will says that Hilula can't be trusted, given how she pretended to be on their side. Gwen points out that Will has also pretended to be other people, but Will explains he never did it to betray the group. He points out how he was recruited to rule of Barovia, but refused even that because he couldn't betray the party.

Gwen wonders what they could do with Hilula. Will says he's had a few ideas, but suggests they should talk about it as a group and Gwen agrees. They make their way back to the other and with everyone reunited, Will announces it's time to decide how they should approach the city. They've been travelling downriver for three days and they know they'll arrive at the city tomorrow. Will's concern is Hilula, but knowing that everyone is against killing her (which would be his preferred option), he suggests Mo could eat her instead. Totally different. *"Nobody is going to die"* says Gwen. Raphina points out how rude it was to discuss killing/eating Hilula right in front of her. Mo doesn't really understand and asks Will if it's rude, but Will says he's not the best person to ask.

*"All right, everyone. So what's the plan? We've got Beartoggle on the way, we've got a mystery to solve, we've got this loose end here to tie up. What're we doin'?"* says Sheemie, trying to take charge of the situation. Will puts him back in his place and Gwen suggests going ahead with Hilula, checking out what evidence they have on Raphina, and maybe clearing up the misunderstanding. Will's not keen; he doesn't trust Hilula. Gwen says she does trust her. *"Hilula, do you trust me?"* she asks. Hilula sarcastically replies *"We trust each other."* *"It's the company you keep. We're all evil!"* says Will in his creepiest voice. Gwen denies that she's evil, but Will points out that she is in Hilula's eyes because of who Gwen has chosen to associate with.

Will lays it out for everyone. *"She believes that Raphina is a serial killer and was willing to betray four very powerful magic users in order to get her goal of putting Raphina behind bars."* Gwen points out that Moondreamer confirmed it was true that Raphina is a serial killer, but Will is quick to point out that she may have been talking to the fake one. They remind each other that both parties have been verified by the *Zone of Truth*. Will's convinced that there is a second Raphina on the loose and Mo wonders if there could be three. Raphina actually thinks that's pretty likely, in another universe perhaps.

Gwen asks about the Aeonian Anglerfish, which she's heard them mention. Mo reminds everyone that the Rainbow Trout told them the Anglerfish was located in the southeast of Beartoggle, which is where they are now, but also that it had said it could no longer sense the presence of the Anglerfish. Mo thinks they need to talk to people in the city to see if they know what's going on with it. He suggests he guard Hilula outside the city while they all go into investigate. Sheemie even offers to watch her. Raphina's suggestion is Will fly into the city, or perhaps they all fly together as one big group.

Will raises the concern that they might recognise Raphina in the city, though Sheemie says it's pretty big. It's generally felt among the group that they should try and disguise her and/or Hilula and Will considers how best to do this, even suggesting that he transform her into a small creature.

Hilula suddenly pipes up. *"Change me into whatever you want and take me into the city with you"* she says, making Will suddenly very suspicious. Is there something in the city that will dispel any magic? Mo, suddenly sounding tired of all the back and forth, suggests they ask Batthwack, and bows down very reverently before him. Batthwack says it boils down to two choices: take her or leave her. His preference is to leave her behind and Mo insists that he can guard Hilula, but they must tell him about the Anglerfish, *"That's only reason why I'm with you."*

The group discuss where Mo should wait. On the outskirts of town? Here in the forest? Batthwack suggests the bigger version of the folding boat could be a good location, but the river isn't big enough here to float it. Sheemie points out that down river is the lake, which should be able to hold the ship. Will is a little concerned about how conspicuous that would be, and suggests leaving it somewhere in the woods. Raphina says that the city folk don't usually go into the woods, *"unless it's, you know, those days where they hang out in the trees."* She asks Sheemie if the lake he's talking about is the one she heard about that was created when the Toggle Dam was built and he confirms it is indeed.

*"So I'm going in a ship in the middle of the woods with this stab-happy lizardfolk?"* asks Hilula. Will has to bite his tongue as he defends Mo. *"Mo is making great strides. Listen to all the words he knows. And he restrains himself a lot."* Mo proudly announces that although he could easily eat Hilula right now, he isn't going to. Gwen doesn't think it's a good idea to leave the boat where it's going to cause alarm and draw attention to itself. Mo suggests a boat in the middle of a lake is normal. Raphina wonders if Mo could pose as a lizardfolk who's arrived in town to seek trade with Beartoggle and learn about what they want, saying his story could be that his boat got there by popping up from under the river, like his lair home. She even goes on to suggest that the boat will make him seem wealthy and successful, but warns him *"Don't talk to Aunt Bootie."* Mo recaps the plan and Will's heart begins to sink as it sounds increasingly unlikely to work.

*"Just be the captain then" says Raphina, and Will likes that idea. Mo's story could just be that he's there looking after the ship while the rest of them, as delegates, have ventured into the city. The conversation turns to disguises. Will is worried about the amount of power his disguise spells consume, and wants to make sure he has enough to deal with any unexpected situations. Gwen says she doesn't need a disguise. Will points out that Batthwack likes to have his crown covered up, and they wonder if he could just comb his new hair over it. Sheemie thinks he looks fine as he is.* "I mean, I think he looks good as is. Look at him! He's a strong man" *he says.*

Raphina suddenly jumps up as a bright idea flashes across her brain. *"I know! I could be Hilula!"* Sheemie's worried that that might invite too many questions, but Raphina doesn't see a problem with that. *"When they say 'Are you Raphina?' I will say no, because I will be able to lie. I think. When they say 'Did you see Raphina?' I will say yes. Because that is the truth. Wait, did I do that right? I don't know guys. This might not work."* Will suggests a physical disguise, though it wouldn't hide her age. Sheemie asks Will how old she is, but Will says he doesn't know; it's still a mystery. Another suggestion is turning Raphina into an animal, which she is very excited about, asking if she can be an exotic panda bear in a cage, so that she can hide away at the back of the cage, undisguised if necessary. Sheemie and Will chime in together to point out that this plan's flaw is that they don't have a cage.

They settle on using a physical disguise and Raphina suggests sewing some clothes, maybe a suit so she can look like a businessman. Gwen suggests fashioning a hat. *"Oh! I know a haberdasher! Oh, I was hoping we would get to go to that haberdasher, but then they would recognise me because I'm in there every other day."* Gwen offers to make a hat for her out of fondant and liquorice from her magical purple pouch and Mo offers to cut the legs off one of Will's suits, but an argument ensues when deciding which one; Will's very sentimental about his old suit because it's one of the few things he has from Tivoli.

The argument about suits rages through the night. Hilula and Mo eventually go to sleep and awake the next morning, the argument still in full swing. **A new day!** It isn't long before they finally catch a glimpse of light glimmering off of some broad water in the distance. They make their way around a final bend and before them the river opens up onto a massive lake, covered in boats, stretching out before them. It's a beautiful, warm sunny day and the lizards and boat cruise along into the lake itself. The boats on the lake are various shapes and sizes and are dotted across the water, some of them small watercraft, some even bigger than the larger version of the boat box, alleviating any lingering concerns about mooring it here being too conspicuous. Far off in the distance they can make out vague, hazy shapes of buildings on the far shore: their first sighting of the city of Beartoggle.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Abby/Raphina. Will defends Mo after Hilula describes him as "stab-happy", dropping the mic with *"Hilula you suck."* Eric/Mo: *"Yes. Hilula suck."* Eric/Sheemie: *"Yeah Hilula, you suck!"* Eric/Hilula: *"Yeah, I suck."* Denise/Gwen: *"Guys, that's not nice either."* Abby/Raphina (in a call back to Will and Gwen earlier discussion about whether stealing is evil): *"Saying someone sucks is evil."*
* Abby says she was hoping Gwen and Will's forest encounter at the beginning of the episode was going to be like Joey and Janice's day of fun!
* For anyone who REALLY wants to see the really very weird marketing that Walmart has chosen for some of their union suits, then they're posted here, but be warned, although KT described them as *"They're so... inspiring,"* Eric's opinion was *"I fucking HATE these pictures [...] Yuck"*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: glorious.

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ This is Will's version of events. For the events as they unfolded at the time, see episode 18: It HAS Been Real!
2. ↑ See episodes 88: The One Where Eric's Bein' All Strict and Shit and 89: No, No, Just a Plain Old Punch
3. ↑ See episode 190: Apothecary Dictionary
4. ↑ Later, when discussing Gwen's talk to Moondreamer, Denise says *"No, it was just yesterday when, you know, I took Hilula and was going to talk to Moondreamer and scared Hilula and she ran away."* Eric says *"Three days ago."*
5. ↑ **Here be spoilers for players other than Denise!!** When Gwen told Moondreamer *"Raphina supposedly kills for sport,"* what Moondreamer actually said was *"Yes. Seraphina Phalangepot is known for being a ruthless killer."* See episode 241: Raphina Phalange and the Pots
6. ↑ See episode 188: Guys, Did You See What I Just Did To Him?
7. ↑ Raphina was shocked to learn of the existence of a lake outside Beartoggle when speaking with Millicent the worm. See episode 209: Various Brick Sounds