The Womblelation

The Womblelation is the first chapter in the Wombles Two. If you were looking for the event, see Womblelation.

“This isn’t normal.” Said Emma after poking her head out through the window.  Her husband Steed (Well John actually because Steed is the surname) came up next to her and looked out.  “What?” he asked.  “Everything’s normal.” Replied Emma.  “But you said something wasn’t!”  “It isn’t!” “How can it be normal and not be normal at the same time?”  “It’s not normal because it’s normal.”  Steed well John actually because Steed is the surname looked blank.  “What I’m saying is,” explained Emma, “That there’s usually something strange going on here, but there’s not, so it’s not normal!”  Steed well John actually because Steed is the surname finally understood.  “We’ll report this to Mother.  Let’s go!”

Mother was running. Running hard.  A trainee agent popped up from behind a bush and fired a gun at him.  He dodged by running even harder.  He snuck behind the spy HQ when he got a chance where Ronda was waiting with a tray of brandy.  Mother poured some into a glass and drank it, then said, “Mm Ronda, this is even better than usual, where did you get it from?”  Ronda replied “The Cafeeee.  Cathy still runs it but it’s just a general café now.  A very good one too.”  Mother smiled and drank some more of the brandy.  Suddenly John and Emma came up.  “Get down!” said Mother desperately.  “Why?” asked Emma.  “Has everything gone back to normal by being odd again?”  Mother looked puzzled and replied “No, I’m doing my diet.  The one when I only drink brandy with my trainee agents trying to kill me.”  “Oh” said Emma and ducked, pulling John to the floor with her, just before a bullet flew towards them, which had been meant to go to Mother.  Luckily Mother ducked as well, as by doing this diet he was now thin enough to.  Then he told the trainee agents to stop, and asked, “Now, what did you want to see me about?”  “Everything’s normal.” Replied Mrs Steed.  (They were Steed and Mrs Steed at work but John and Emma at home.)  “That’s good then.” Said Mother.  “No, it’s not, it’s not normal that it’s normal.” Mother was confused.  “How can it not be normal when it is?”  “What she’s saying is,” replied Steed, “That usually there’s something strange going on, and there isn’t, so that’s not normal.” Mother looked blank for a moment, then said, “Oh!  I understand now!  Yes that is worrying.  Mrs Steed, alert all your wombles.  I’ll go and find Cathy.”  And he went off, then Mrs Steed headed to Wimbledon Common and down into a burrow, leaving Steed and Ronda to guard the place.  Steed decided to ‘guard’ the brandy by drinking it.

There was quite a noise when Mrs Steed got to the burrow door.  After knocking for the hundredth time Bungo answered the door.  “Why were knocking on your own door?” Mrs Steed asked him.  The noise was ridiculous now.  So obviously Bungo didn’t hear Mrs Steed.  “I SAID” she shouted “OH NEVER MIND!  N E V E R M I N D!” she hollered.

Bungo tapped his ear, ran down the hall and came back with the music turned down a bit.  He blew his party streamer at Mrs Steed.  “Happy Womblelation!” he shouted.  “Womble what?” she replied.  “Womblelation!  The celebration of a thousand years!” he replied.  “A thousand years?” said Emma confused.  “Wombles celebrate the Womblelation every thousand years on the 1st of August!” Bungo said breathlessly with his party hat falling down to his ear.  “Oh” said Mrs Steed “I’ll get John in that case, he does love parties!”  With that she drove her light green Bentley to fetch him.

“I’ve told you before, I can’t sing!”  “Everybody can silly!”  “No they can’t!”  “I disagree.” “That’s a very rare thing for you to say to me.”  “I know that, you don’t have to tell me.”  “And I know that you know.”  “And I know that you know that I know.”  “And I know that you know that I know that you know.”  “And I… we could do this all day, Martin.”  “Yes, we could Venus.  But I’d rather not.”  “Sorry, I’m on stage.  Are you sure you don’t want to perform with me?”  “For the last time, I can’t sing!”  “Well can you dance?”  “No.” “Act?”  “No.”  “Give a speech?”  “No.” “Don’t you even have a talent?” “Yes.”  “What then?”  “Doctoring.” “Oh, ok then.  I… what are they doing in the audience?”  “Who?”  “David and Tara Keel.  I thought we had finished with the avengers.  But when four of them end up in the same place, it obviously means something.”  “Not necessarily.  Now go and sing!”  “Um, ok then.”  So she did.

Steed and Mrs Steed climbed down out the Bentley and swaggered into the womble burrow. “Hello!” said Steed swinging his swagger stick.  “I have brandy, whisky, port, sherry and my home brewed gooseberry cider!”  He put all the drinks on the sideboard and Great-again Uncle Bulgaria took out his set of glasses.  When he had them on he put some things to drink out of on the sideboard. “Spendid choice old boy!” he said to Steed.  “Yes isn’t it!” said Mother who had just come in with Ronda.  Steed and Mother went for the brandy.  Bulgaria tried the gooseberry cider.  “Eueogher!” he said.

“Do you like it?” asked Steed but Bulgaria didn’t answer.  He fainted and turned green.  The other wombles went for any drink other than the gooseberry cider.  Emma put on music but didn’t like it much.  First she played Remember you’re a Womble.  Next it was We wish you a Wombling Merry Christmas. She tried again and got the Wombling Song.  “Do you have anything that is NOT about wombles?” she asked.  Bungo said yes and put on a song than went like this.

“B U N G O, B U N G O, B U N G O, Bungo was his namo!”

Mrs Steed didn’t like that either.  Steed tried again and a piece of music started sounding very familiar to Mrs Steed. It went a bit like this.

Daaa Da Da Da Da, Daaa Da Da Da Da, Do do do do do do do a lou

Emma really liked it. So much she opened Steed’s champagne bottle by shooting it.  Steed wasn’t bothered, he just poured a glass for Emma and himself by the suit of armour. Suddenly the head fell off.  Tara had shot it!  She came running in between the other suits of armour wearing a black evening dress with a rose between her teeth.