1240/Worst Nightmares and Deepest Regrets

**Blurr has posed:**
    Blurr is hanging around the barracks, this time not actually pacing back and forth for a change, but instead sprawled face down across one of the lounge seats, looking the worse for wear. Like he should have been in repairs a while ago. Which likely wouldn't come as a surprise for most who know him.

**Swivel has posed:**
Speaking of repairs, it wasn't long ago that Swivel had been to the repair bay herself. As of now, she was exiting her barracks after a quick rest, determined to walk off some of the stiffness she awoke from her recharge cycle with. As she walks with a halted gait, she pauses, seeing Blurr sprawled out, and looking worse for wear. For a moment she considers taking a detour through one of the other wings, but that'd be obvious. Instead she walks over to the energon dispenser, getting herself a small drink nonchalantly. Without turning around, she says, "Taking a rest on your way to repair bay, Lieutenant?" Of course, Swivel knows this isn't the case. She knows him better than that. But from what she understands, he wouldn't know that she knows him. So it just seems natural to make faulty assumptions.

**Blurr has posed:**
    Blurr jumps at the sound of Swivel's voice, bolting upright and then wincing visibly at the pain the sudden motion must have caused. But he quickly tries to wipe it away. "I--u-uh--y-yes. Ahem, yes, exactly." he stammers.

    He stares at her, scooting up against the wall and bringing his knees up against his chassis. She can tell, something is definitely bothering him.

**Swivel has posed:**
Swivel turns around, holding her cube of energon and nods to Blurr. She takes a sip, observing him out of old habit. And it doesn't pass her notice that something doesn't seem right. Normally, anyone looking that bothered, she'd approach. Swivel looks down at her drink for a good long while before taking another sip. After some deliberation, she walks over, sitting down on an adjoining couch. "Something the matter, sir?"

**Blurr has posed:**
    There is a long pause, one that almost seems like an eternity for how awkward it is. Blurr doesn't reply yet, just keeps staring across the room at her, and his gaze follows her as she takes a sip of her drink, then approaches and sits down.

    Silence hangs in the air...

**Swivel has posed:**
Swivel's mind wanders back to a remark Starlock made about not being a good conversationalist. And how, right now, even an awkward conversation might br preferable to an awkward silence. She takes another sip, waiting for a response. She then looks around again, then back at Blurr. For a moment she rides out the silence, and then stands up. "If you don't want to talk about whatever is bothering you, it's not my place to pry. But don't forget to get yourself some repairs. With the speeds you move at, you'll tear yourself apart if you aren't in tip-top shape."

**Blurr has posed:**
    Blurr's gaze continues to be fixed on her as she speaks again, promising not to pry and recommending repairs. There's another brief moment of silence, before he finally says something.

    "...I killed them. All of them."

    Then he looks away, appearing ashamed of this admission, but also as if she's supposed to automatically know exactly what he's talking about.

**Swivel has posed:**
Swivel blinks, fumbling with her cube, nearly dropping it. While she manages to save the cube, some of it's contents spill over her wrists and the floor. She looks down at the mess, back up at Blurr, then down at the mess. Immediately she busies herself with cleaning it up, as if needing to do something while giving herself a moment to process. She looks up, dirty rag in her hand. "You're.... remembering."

**Blurr has posed:**
    Blurr watches the spill happen, but averts his optics again. "I killed them cold lines, th-they were defenseless..." he murmurs. "Gallo, Monty, Quartz...and Epitaph too. It didn't matter at the time, but now--now I don't know!" he exclaims, suddenly getting up and grabbing her by the shoulders. "Please--I-I'm sorry I don't know why but I had to tell someone..."

**Swivel has posed:**
Or... not. Swivel is jolted as she is siezed by the shoulders. She tenses up but doesn't pull away, just staring at Blurr. Of course, one can wipe memories, but that doesn't mean it will wipe a person's conscience. Maybe. Swivel's optics flicker and she glances to the side, then back to Blurr. "Lieutenant," she says in a sharp but not unkind voice. She then speaks in a hushed tone. "...Were you ordered to do so, or acting alone?" She doubts the latter.

**Blurr has posed:**
    "I--was ordered. But I just obeyed them without question. I--" Blurr frowns. "But it didn't seem right. I should've realized--" He finally lets go of her, shrinking back. "I don't know why I didn't even question it. And I don't know why I'm telling you."

    He sinks back down on the seat, putting a hand to his helm. "I've seen you before--I mean I know I have seen you before recently, but I mean like , even -before- that..." he shakes his head and lies down again, staring up at the ceiling. "Primus, what's wrong with me?"

**Swivel has posed:**
Swivel shakes her head, holding what's left of her energon cube in one hand close to herself, and putting out the other hand in a placating manner. "It's okay to unburden yourself. If it distresses you, you don't need to carry it alone. Sometimes we don't realize how something really makes us feel until much later." Swivel frowns slightly. Does she really want to end up back where she was? The scout sighs inwardly and studies Blurr. Maybe he is remembering something. Swivel just watches him lie there, staring upwards. "Well, I don't have an answer to that. Perhaps a neural scan will. You should get to medical bay. And maybe speak with a professional. All I can do is listen. They can do so much more."

**Blurr has posed:**
    "But I didn't feel anything, Swivel." Blurr admits. "Nothing. They--weren't even people..." He sits back up and stares at her again as she recommends he go to a doctor. "N-no, I--they'll just do what they did last time, I don't want that again, at least not this soon."

**Swivel has posed:**
"I didn't mean the institute..." Swivel says quietly. But she sighs and looks at Blurr. "They weren't even people..." Swivel repets, sounding concerned by this phrase. Swivel sits down on the couch, and finishes off the last bits of energon that hadn't spilled, setting her cube aside on a nearby side table. "Well, you should at least make sure your physical injuries are taken care of. You don't need to be in pain if it can be helped." Swivel says, sidestepping the larger issue with a great deal of caution.

**Blurr has posed:**
    "I know, but they'll just send me there." Blurr sighs, sounding resigned. "Because that's what they always end up doing." He shakes his head. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be burdening you with this. I-I don't know what's wrong with me." he repeats.

    He nods weakly at the mention of the physical injuries. "I-I will..."

    Then, "Did--were we close...before?" he asks quietly.

**Swivel has posed:**
"Ah... well... then..." Swivel murmurs about the likelihood of being sent back to the institute. She knows this is beyond her to offer suitable advice. Swivel squints, glowering at nothing in particular at the thought of the Institute and all it stood for. But then her shoulders droop and her expression switches to one of resignation.

Then Blurr asks her that. She looks up. "I..." Swivel just shakes her head. "I'm not sure if I should answer that."

**Blurr has posed:**
    "Oh--" Blurr's shoulders also droop. "Okay, I--I understand--i-if I killed someone you cared about. Or who didn't deserve to die. Or if I was just..." he shakes his head, sighing. "...a terrible friend. Or all of the above."

    He gets up again. "I--guess I should get those repairs."

**Swivel has posed:**
Swivel tilts her head. "And... what makes you assume that you may have done all these things enough to apologize?" Swivel asks, optic ridge arched. "I honestly don't know if it'd be right to answer the question. I don't know enough about the procedure you've been put through, I don't know if teasing you with the past will create harm. And I do not wish to cause you any further harm."

**Blurr has posed:**
    "I don't know, I just have a feeling, just from the way--from what I do remember--wh-when I killed Gallo, I lied I cheated him I told him I was freeing him. And then I shot him in the back--j-just when he thought he was s-safe..." Blurr admits, sounding ashamed even more now. "And Quartz, I hit with--with something that made her turn on Epitaph. H-he was innocent! He was just--" He shakes his head, turning away again. "If I did those things to those people, then they may not have been the only ones..." He stares at the floor.

**Swivel has posed:**
Swivel listens quietly. "These are grievous things to deal with indeed. And there's no sense in bringing up the past to add to that. For whatever it is worth, you are forgiven for the things you've done to me, but I can't forgive you on behalf of anyone else you harmed. It's up to you to decide what to do, though, now that your conscience seems to be returning." Swivel crosses her arms. "I failed in trying to help you redeem yourself in the past. As I said before, all I can do is listen - I will no longer advise you. You need to find your own way. I can't find it for you - which is a hard lesson I learned."

**Blurr has posed:**
    "...thank you." Blurr says quietly once she's finished. "Just because you failed once, doesn't mean you'll never succeed..." he murmurs, then shrugs. "But it's not your burden to bear if you don't want it."

**Swivel has posed:**
"Some say that insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results," Swivel responds. She stands up, picking up her empty cube and bringing it to the recycle receptacle. "Look, I wish you all the best. But I'm already bearing the burdens of your past. I've been left with your worst nightmares and deepest regrets that even you can't remember. And already, they have you repeating the same trauma. I wish I could save you, but I don't have the power. I know my limits."

**Blurr has posed:**
    "I--I'm glad you have the desire." Blurr replies softly. "I just didn't want you to feel discouraged, I guess. I'll stop, now." He turns away, starting toward medical.

**Swivel has posed:**
Swivel just nods, as she has nothing left to add. She just stands by the energon unit and watches Blurr head off, her gaze lingering, following him almost as if to make sure he doesn't redirect from his repair-bay trajectory. But she doesn't outright follow him to be sure.