The Wee Sing Train Review

**Bob:** Hey, guys. Today we continue Sing-Along Month with... probably what we should have opened with: The Wee Sing Train.

*Cut to a drawn picture of Bob and Raven Fox, and then to one of Raven's daughter as an infant, holding a VHS tape of The Wee Sing Train.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* The whole reason for Sing-Along Month in the first place is that my lady just loves my singing voice, so why not do a block of reviews that demands I sing whenever I can? As for Wee Sing Train, well... this video was always her daughter's favorite when she was little.

**Bob:** I rarely get requests from people I know in my personal life, but when the daughter of your girlfriend asks you to do something like this... yeah, you kinda have to. \*shrugs, voiceover\* Our sing-along opens on security camera footage of some kids playing, giving us the impression that we're trapped in this movie with no hope for escape. They're busy putting the finishing touches on the set pieces that we'll be visiting as they play together.

**Bob:** And that's pretty much the whole plot of the movie right there; we're just following a couple of kids playing with their toys. \*beat\* There's... no villain, no central conflict, no lesson to be learned, we're just watching some children playing. \*wincing while flexing his right arm\* We're gonna be in for **quite** a ride, I can already tell!

**Carter:** Are you ready for adventure?

**Casey:** For sure!

**Carter:** How about Tusky? (a plush brown elephant wearing a conductor's hat and a neckerchief)

**Casey:** Right here, all set to go.

**Carter:** Great! I think Chugalong's ready, too, and Cubby the Caboose. Here comes the train!

*The two children start singing "Train is A-Comin' " while some of the set pieces are shown.*

**Bob:** So, train is a-comin'?

**Kids:** \*singing\* Oh, yes.

**Bob:** OK, just wanted to make sure. \*voiceover\* Then they shrink down, so they can board the train. At first I thought they were just using their imaginations to go on their little adventure here, but look at this shot later in the movie. The kids are nowhere to be seen. If all they're doing is *pretending* on this train, we should see them playing around, just like kids do. But they're not here. They literally shrunk down on a scale where boarding their train is possible. These kids are witches!

**Chugalong:** \*turns his 'head' towards them, accompanied by the sound of cranking\* Get on board, Casey! Come on, Carter, it's time to go!

**Bob:** \*sarcastic\* Thanks for the wretched sounds as his head turns. That's not nightmare inducing or anything, is it? \*voiceover\* Yeah, I know these characters are supposed to be cute, but... eugh. The cracking bone sound effects don't do them any favors. So they climb aboard with their elephant friend, Snuffy- I mean Snuffy- I mean Snuffy- I mean Tusky. He's gonna be our comic relief sidekick that, sadly, will not be found under the wheels of this train anytime soon.

*The group chants "chug-a-long-a", slightly increasing in tempo each time. After the eighth time, we cut to a brief clip from the second episode of "Charlie the Unicorn", featuring the blue and pink unicorn inside a giant shoe, appropriately named the Choo-Choo Shoe.*

**Blue and Pink Unicorn:** Shoe-shooooooooe!

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* And who knew that trains could just think their tracks into existence?

*Cut to a couple photos from the 1860s of the people who helped work on the first Transcontinental Railroad.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Sorry, every railroad worker who died while building the Transcontinental Railroad, your efforts were completely useless.

**Tusky:** Did you make all kinds of places for us to explore?

**Bob:** I think you can *lean forward* a little bit as you talk to the kids.

*A picture of Tusky, sitting in front of the kids on the train and looking straight ahead, is displayed to Bob's right.*

**Bob:** I'm not sure they're all that interested talking to your junk. \*voiceover\* Their first stop is... the range, insert obvious musical choice here, where they sit around on giant crayons, where there *should* be a couple of logs. Again, if they were only using their imaginations, I'm pretty sure they'd be sitting on real logs, not crayons. They clearly shrunk themselves.

**Tusky:** What's it like being a cowboy?

**Cowboy #1:** Well, now, let me just tell 'ya about it.

**Tusky:** Okay.

*The two cowboys start playing a song, one of them on the harmonica, the other on acoustic guitar.*

**Bob:** I'm sorry, I don't speak harmonica. Wanna try again?

**Cowboy #1:** \*singing\* Come along friends and listen to my tale

I'll tell you of my troubles on the old Chisholm Trail

**Both Cowboys:** \*singing\* singin' ki-yi yippee yippee yi yippee yay

singin' ki-yi yippee yippee yay

*Cut to a short clip from "Die Hard".*

**John McClane:** Yippie ki-yay, motherfucker.

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Tusky, ever the lovable idiot, decides to hang out with the cattle.

**Tusky:** These cows, they like me!

*Suddenly, the cattle start getting a little frisky as sultry music plays in the background.*

**Tusky:** \*running out from the cattle\* Oh, I think I'm out of here!

**Casey:** Tusky, are you OK?

**Cowboy #2:** Those cattle can be mighty restless!

**Tusky:** Yeah!

**Cowboy #1:** You're a strange looking steer to them.

**Tusky:** Guys, I was just wondering what it'd be like to be a cowboy.

**Chugalong:** But it wasn't safe, Tusky. You should have asked the cowboys if it was OK.

**Tusky:** Yeah, you're right. I guess I should have. Hee-onk!

**Bob:** \*perplexed\* Which one of them did that? \*voiceover\* They give Tusky a Band-Aid... which has to look like a musical note because shut up, then they go on their way.

*Then, Chugalong and Cubby start singing as they head to their next destination.*

**Both:** Chuggin'a along

and a-singin' a song

and a-rollin' along the track

chugga-chugga (x5) choo-choo!

*The first verse is repeated twice, and on the second set of "chugga-chuggas", Bob literally chugs a bottle of Captain Morgan.*

**Tusky and Kids:** \*singing in time\* Chugalong the Engine and Cubby the Caboose,

rolling down the Wee-Sing track

chuggin' along and singin' a song

**Bob:** \*voiceover, singing\* And doing inappropriate things with your hands. \*normal voice\* Their next stop is Frontier Town, where they're welcomed by some paper dolls with inexplicably human heads. I'm quite scared right now.

**Paper Doll Girls:** \*singing\* Put your little foot, put your little foot,

put your little foot right there

put your little foot, put your little foot,

put your little foot right there

**Bob:** \*confused\* Uh, OK.

*He reaches down and pretends to grab Littlefoot from the "Land Before Time" series, bringing him over to the other side. After that, he shrugs and makes a painful expression.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Then they meet this rhinestone cowboy who kind of looks like Chris Pratt.

*Another song starts playing, this time with a rapping beat to it.*

**Paper Doll Girls:** Hey, Mr. Knickerbocker, boppity-bop

**Rhinestone Cowboy:** I feel so good with my boppity-bop

**Bob:** Oh my god, **I'm having Bobbly Wobbly flashbacks!**

*Cut to a clip of the aforementioned character from "The Oogieloves in The Big Balloon Adventure".*

**Bobbly Wobbly:** Do you like bubbles?

**Bob: \***terrified\* **NO, I DON'T LIKE BUBBLES!**

**Paper Doll Girls:** Hey, Mr. Knickerbocker, boppity-bop

**Rhinestone Cowboy:** I feel so good with my boppity-bop

I put that beat right into my hips

**Bob:** \*voiceover, uncomfortable\* And stop wiggling with your wiggle-wobble, too.

**All:** Hey, Mr. Knickerbocker, boppity-bop

**Rhinestone Cowboy:** I feel so good with my boppity-bop

I think I'll stop

**Bob:** If you feel so good with your boppity-bop, then why did you stoppity-stop? \*shrugs, voiceover\* They realize that Tusky has gone missing, and they find him on top of the schoolhouse because... he's trying to fix the bell? Yeah, I had to watch this scene several times to try to figure out what's wrong with the bell that needs fixing, but I'm just not seeing anything here.

**Tusky:** \*hanging on\* Get me down from here!

**Rhinestone Cowboy:** Now, hold on tight! We'll think of somethin'!

**Bob:** Hold on tight with *what?* He doesn't have any hands! \*voiceover\* And an elephant on the roof? Sounds crazy. But here in this little Frontier Town, you might say every one of us is an ~~fiddler~~ elephant on the roof.

**All:** Yay!

**Tusky:** Thank you, sheriff! Thanks, everybody!

**Casey:** Climbing on a roof is dangerous. You could have been hurt.

**Tusky:** I know, ho-onk! I am hurt, see?

**Carter:** Let's go to Cubby. \*to the sheriff\* He's OK. We better get going now.

**Rhinestone Sheriff:** All right, now.

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Oh, yeah, go ahead and give him a Note-Aid every time he gets an owie. You're only feeding his hypochondria, you know.

**Chugalong:** Tusky, fixing the school bell was a good idea, but *how* you fixed was not a safe choice.

**Bob:** What, do we need a play-by-play by the entire cast? Let's **move on already!** \*voiceover\* That bit of pointlessness is now over with, so it's time to go onto the **next** bit of pointlessness.

**Chugalong:** Toot-toot! Tunnel ahead! \*turns on his light\*

*As they enter the tunnel, a scene from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" showing Wonka and his guests about to do the same on his boat, leading to the infamous tunnel scene, is shown.*

**Willy Wonka:** 'Round the world and home again! That's the sailor's way!

**Casey:** Listen to that echo! \*echoing\* Hi!

**Carter:** \*echoing\* Ho!

**Tusky:** \*echoing\* Honk!

**Chugalong:** \*echoing\* Toot-toot!

**Cubby:** \*echoing\* Toot-toot!

**Bob:** \*echoing\* Next scene! \*voiceover\* They marvel over how Note-Aids are giving off a mysterious glow. But no time for that, on to the vegetables! This movie *really* knows what's gonna grab kids' attention, doesn't it?

**Carter:** What's going on?

**Farmer Girl:** Oh, I'm tryin' to get these dog-gone singin' vegetables to co-operate!

**Casey:** Singing vegetables?

**Carter:** I didn't know they could sing!

**Bob:** Really? My vegetables sing every Christmas.

*A clip from "The Muppet Christmas Carol" is shown, featuring the Swedish Chef singing "Deck The Halls" in his own language and being joined by a couple bunches of green grapes.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Calamity Jane here is trying to get all of her vegetables to harmonize... greatest way to spend your afternoon ever, but surprisingly, the vegetables can't decide on what they should sing.

**Potato:** \*singing, to the tune of "Hallelujah Chorus"\* Brown potato

brown potato

brown potato, brown potato

pota-ato!

**Beet:** \*singing\* Red beet-red beet,

red beet, red beet

red beet-red beet,

red beet, red beet

**Bob:** \*not amused\* Are you serious? \*beat\* You have a singing **beet**... in your cast, and you don't immediately go with *this?*

*Bob points his finger and Michael Jackson's "Beat It" plays.*

**Tusky:** But why can't they sing together?

**Farmer Girl:** Oh, but they're just so not-me different!

**Tusky:** \*gasps\* Why don't they just try it?

*Everyone agrees to the idea.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover, sarcastic\* Oh, should they just *try* it? That's *brilliant!* I would've never thought of that. So they all sing their songs at the exact time, and surprise, surprise, that works perfectly fine. In all seriousness, though, what the hell is going on with this potato? These puppet builders made sure to make this potato character so that the rest of his face stayed where it belongs as his upper palate moved all over the place. They made the *effort* to make this thing look this creepy. *Why?* Not-Reba McEntire then takes us to a barn full of the most hideous, misshapen critters to plague the earth, like this giraffe-pig. They sing a pointless song, which is the musical equivalent of a See 'n Say, then Tusky goes around back to meet some random horse plushie.

**Gray Horse:** \*singing\* The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be

Ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be

*Cut to a clip from "The Simpsons" of Old Jewish Man with his pants around his ankles, shuffling and singing the above song.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Actually, with giant knees like that, there's only one piece of music that can go with this old, gray mare.

*Torgo's theme from "Manos: The Hands of Fate" plays while the horse's leg movements are shown.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Despite her dancing around, the mare is having trouble standing up, I guess. Tusky gets the idea to fix the fence that she's leaning on... which isn't even broken and this somehow is gonna help her stand up properly. Just like with the doll from before, I have no idea what's going on in Tusky's poly-filled brain.

*Casey and the farmer girl help Tusky back up.*

**Farmer Girl:** Well, it looks like everyone's OK, but I just don't know what to do about this here fence!

**Carter:** I know, come on!

*Carter grabs the farmer girl by the hand and goes over to Chugalong.*

**Tusky:** I just wanted to help. I'm sorry. I hope you're OK.

**Gray Horse:** Thanks, young fella. I'll be all right after I rest a minute.

**Tusky:** Well, I think I'm hurt.

**Bob:** Hey, Tusky, guess what? *I stopped caring.*

**Chugalong:** Did you learn anything?

**Tusky:** Yeah, I need to think before I do something.

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* A lesson the screenwriters should've heeded. After they think up some tracks to replace the fence that Tusky broke, they go off into the mountains.

**Chugalong:** \*singing\* I love the mountains, I love the rolling hills

**Cubby:** \*singing\* I love the flowers, I love the daffodils

*Then we cut to Bob, who's looking quite bored.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Then we meet a couple of blackbirds, who I think must have been Statler and Waldorf in their past lives.

**Casey:** Hold it. You're just supposed to be two little blackbirds sitting on a hill.

**Female Blackbird:** What's *that* supposed to mean?

**Bob:** \*in an exaggerated fashion\* Oh, lookie what we got here! Li'l white girl tellin' blackbirds what to do! Oh, no, they didn't! \*voiceover, normal\* The kids get the birds to fly from one spot to another... just so they can go back to where they were before... O-kay...?

**Male Blackbird:** What do we do next?

**Casey:** \*offscreen\* That's all there is. That's the poem.

**Male Blackbird:** That's all there is? You gotta be kidding me.

**Bob:** Not a good sign when the characters are complaining about how this has been a waste of time. Seriously, this is making me pine for the action-packed drama of the Hugga Bunch!

**Male Blackbird:** How about, uh... Fly to the farm, Jack? Or, uh... sit on the broccoli, Jill?

**Bob:** \*voiceover, uncomfortable\* Eww, Jack likes to watch Jill do things with vegetables!

*"Must be a Bobsheaux!" appears on-screen, only with a train whistle in place of the usual "Ta-da!" sound effect.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* OK, enough of that, onto the next bit of absolutely nothing.

**Tusky:** \*singing\* The train went over the mountain...

**All:** \*singing\* The train went over the mountain, the train went over the mountain...

**Bob:** \*voiceover, singing\* So he could rip off more songs.

**Chugalong:** Hold on, we're going down!

**Bob:** With a dangerously sharp left turn coming up! \*singing\* Train wreck's a-comin', oh yeah... Wait, this whole thing's been a train wreck for the past 40 minutes now. \*voiceover\* Of course, they don't crash and burn like physics would dictate they should, then they bump into this frog character.

**Frog Prince:** \*singing\* There was frog who lived in a spring
sing-song kitty catch-ee kye-nne-oh

**Bob:** \*voiceover, as Yoda\* Sound like Yoda, the frog does. \*chuckles\*

**Frog Prince:** \*singing\* Keemo kyemo dellway Hiho Rumpetee rump
Periwinkle soap Linkhorn nip cat
Hit 'em with a brickbat,
Sing-song kitty catch-ee kye-nne-oh

**Bob:** \*singing\* What the crap did he just sing? Hey-ho, W-T-F, I don't know what that was, someone please tell me, \*shrugs\* what the hell did I just watch?

**Frog Prince:** I'm on my way to the castle!

**Carter:** That's what makes you *this* happy?

**Frog Prince:** Well, actually... \*clears his throat, revealing his actual voice\* Actually, I'm not a frog. I'm a prince. And today, the princess will kiss me and I'll turn back into the handsome prince that I... *truly* am.

Bob: \*voiceover, as Carter\* Hey, why did your voice suddenly change? \*as the frog prince\* **Why? Do you wanna hear me sound like this all day?!** \*actual voice\* It really makes no sense at all. \*weird voice\* **How'd I do that?!** \*normal\* So they go to meet the frog's princess, but...