Die Semi-Hard

**Die Semi-Hard** is the twenty sixth episode of season three of *The Cleveland Show* as well as the season three finale. It is the seventy eighth episode, overall. It is the third Christmas special of the series.

## Synopsis

Cleveland tells his family his version of the greatest holiday-themed blockbuster movie ever told, *Die Hard*.

## Plot

To help pass time while posing in a holiday nativity scene, Cleveland tells his family his own version of one of his favorite holiday stories, “Die Hard”.

After detective Cleveland Brown flies into Los Angeles to meet his wife at her job at Waterman International, he tells his limo driver Rallo about some of his marriage troubles while he hopes to reconcile during the office Christmas party. Meeting with his wife, he takes off his shoes and tries to be romantic but Donna resists his charms and returns to the party alone.

Meanwhile, a group of thieves led by Tim posing as terrorists take the party guests hostage and separate Mr. Waterman in order to gain access to the Waterman International vault.

Cleveland tosses his shoes out the window over a nearby poser line when he hears gunshots and arrives as Mr. Waterman is killed. Hearing noise from Cleveland, Tim sends Kendra out to investigate where she is killed by Cleveland. As the terrorists discover Kendra's body, they hear Cleveland trying to use his radio to call for police and start shooting. Police dispatcher Cecilia sends officer Cleveland Brown, Jr. to investigate. As Cleveland dispatches another of the terrorists and escapes into an air shaft, Jr. arrives but is told by a guy that looks like Huey Lewis but is really one of the terrorists that all is well and starts to leave. To get his attention, Cleveland throws a janitor out the window onto Jr. squad car. Jr. frantically backs away as the terrorists fire on his car.

As police surround the building, Cleveland taunts the terrorists but slips and gives away his location. As Robert Tubbs struggle to crack the vault, the gift exchange at the party hostages goes on. But when Donny's gift turns out to be a small package of golf balls in a large box he is shot too. As Cleveland and Jr. exchange banter over the radio, Tim arrives but is taken by surprise. Tim manages to come up with a name on the office list and fools Cleveland who gives him a gun which her turns of Cleveland. Cleveland manages to distract him momentarily and takes out another of the henchmen as he escapes. As Cleveland hides behind a wall of glass and keeps Tim and Lester pinned down, Tim orders Lester to shoot out the glass after noticing Cleveland’s bare feet. Cleveland is forced to retreat through the glass picking up several shards in the process. Despite picking out much of the glass, Cleveland leaves bloody footprints behind him.

Two FBI agents arrive and order the building power to be cut off which results in the vault opening. The terrorists take Cleveland’s friend Holt hostage but kill him after they learn that they also hold Cleveland’s wife Donna. As Cleveland ponders his next move, Lester manages to sneak up on him but is hung from a chain by Cleveland after telling him that the hostages have been moved to the roof with explosives. Arriving on the roof, Cleveland orders everyone off but the FBI agents in a helicopter mistake Cleveland for one of the terrorists and open fire on him. Tim orders the roof blow as Cleveland ties a fire hose around his waist and jumps from the rooftop. The blast engulfs the helicopter as Cleveland shoots his way back into the building. As Cleveland catches Tim and his last henchman, Tim grams Donna and holds her at gunpoint forcing Cleveland to drop his gun. As Tim thinks he's won, Cleveland draws a second gun taped to his back and shoots Tim and the henchman, forcing Tim through the window. Tim grabs Donna's wig and holds her by the hair. Cleveland makes Donna undo her wig as Tim falls to his death.

Outside as the surviving hostages are freed, Donna and Cleveland reconcile. Lester springs up shooting at the two to be killed by Jr. who also shoots Walt noting that he shoots kids.

The scene returns to the nativity scene as only Jr. and Roberta remain awake. Jr. enthusiastically asks about a sequel to be told they will see what the internet has to say first.

## Characters

### Major Roles

* Cleveland Brown as John McClane
* Donna Tubbs-Brown as Holly Genaro McClane
* Cleveland Junior as Al Powell
* Lloyd Waterman as Joseph Tagaki
* Holt Richter as Harry Ellis
* Tim the Bear as Hans Gruber
* Lester Krinklesac as Karl Vreski
* Robert Jones as Theo
* Federline Jones as Fritz
* Rallo Tubbs as Argyle
* Roberta Tubbs as Lucy McClane
* Walt as Jack McClane
* Arch as Special Agent Johnson
* LeVar Brown as Agent Johnson

### Minor Roles

* Huey Lewis as Eddie *(or "Guy Who Looks Like Huey Lewis")*
* Kendra Krinklesac as Tony Vreski
* Pete the Janitor as Marco
* Lisa Li as Uli
* Terry Kimple as Heinrich
* Arianna the Bear as Alexander
* Dr. Fist as James
* Aaron as Kristof
* Lydia Waterman as Ginny
* Consuela De La Morrela as Paulina
* Dwayne Meighan as Harvey Johnson
* Larvell as Richard Thornburg
* Freddy as Himself

#### Unnamed Characters

* Gus as Airplane Passenger
* Cecilia Moreno as Police Operator
* Jeffrey as Girl at Airport
* Bruce as Boy at Airport
* Big Boobed June as Girl in Window
* Raymond the Bear as Teddy Bear

#### Extras

* Mrs. Lowenstein
* Auntie Momma
* Coach McFall
* Reverend Jenkins
* Donny
* Reggie
* Larry the Leopard
* Evelyn Brown (Non-Speaking)
* Ernie Krinklesac (Non-Speaking)
* Choni Moreno (Non-Speaking)
* Tori (Non-Speaking)
* Fern Stapleton (Non-Speaking)
* Principal Farquhare (Non-Speaking)
* Oliver Wilkerson (Non-Speaking)
* Anna Kat (Non-Speaking)
* Bernard Bernard (Non-Speaking)
* Theodore Parker Jr., III (Non-Speaking)
* Mrs. Bailey (Non-Speaking)
* Mayor Larry Box (Non-Speaking)
* Cy the Sighing Bi Guy (Non-Speaking)

#### Framing Device Characters

* Baljarshi Family
* Contest Judges
* Bin Quraishi Family

## Quotes

**Roberta**: This is stupid dumb. Can we go inside?
**Cleveland**: No. Not everyone has seen our nativity scene yet.
**Roberta**: But it's freezing out here. I don't even know why Osama Bin Laden was at Jesus' birthday.
**Rallo**: You're a wise man, foolish woman.

**Camero Driver**: *[offscreen]* JESUS WAS WHITE!

**Junior**: I'm starting to think only jerks drive Cameros.

**Donna**: Cleveland, my buzz is wearing off and now I don't know why I agreed to this. We're going inside.
**Cleveland**: But if we go in now, how can we compete with the Balkarshi family and their Birth of Krisha scene across the street?
*[Screen shows that across the street, there's an Indian family dressed as Krishna and a few other Hindu figures in a similar set up across the street]*
**Mr. Baljarshi**: You'll have to give in eventually, Cleveland!
**Mrs. Baljarshi**: And we can stay out here all day long!

**Cleveland**: Let us pass our mangering time with a wonderful Christmas story.
**Rallo**: Oh, lord. This best not start with "The year was 1988".
**Cleveland**: The year was 1988! ...

**Airplane Passenger**: What's wrong, fellow traveler? You look nervous?
**John McClane**: This is our first purrody.

*[Boy and Girl at airport (playerd by Bruce and Jeffrey from Family Guy) reunite]*
**Boy at Airport**: I missed you so!
**Girl at Airport**: Oh, me too!
**Boy at Airport**: I know!
**John McClane**: *[disdain]* Hmph, California.

**Argyle**: You Brown? I'm Rallo. People call me "Argyle".
**John McClane**: Aren't you a little young to be a limo driver?
**Argyle**: Aren't you a little old to be an action hero?

**John McClane**: So, my wife got this great job out here with Waterman International.
**Argyle**: *[whistles]* She must make more than you.
**John McClane**: Mmhmm. That's what we've been fighting on account of.
**Argyle**: Have mercy.
**John McClane**: Although, I do take some comfort in knowing she still makes less than a man would for doing the same job.
**Argyle**: *[laughs]*
**John McClane**: I think tonight's Christmas party might be my chance to make it up to her.
**Argyle**: Lord gon' set it straight.
**John McClane**: Are you even listening to anything I'm saying?
**Argyle**: *[whistles]* Have mercy.

**Hans Gruber**: Come on, terrorists and Guy Who Looks Like Huey Lewis. Let's take over this building.

**Joseph Tagaki**: Let's give Miss Tubbs some privacy.
**Harry Ellis**: Tubbs. Crocket. Sprockets. Now we dance. Oops. 90's. I'm so high right now.

**John McClane**: Why aren't you using my last name?
**Holly Genaro McClane**: No one likes working with a married woman, Cleveland. No one.

**Hans Gruber**: Hi, we're the bad guys. Uh, tell me, we-which one of you is C.E.O. Lloyd Waterman?
*[Joseph Tagaki nervously looks around and nudges a little girl forward, urging her to claim to be "Mr. Waterman"]*
**Little Girl**: *[nervous]* I'm Lloyd Waterman.
*[Hans glares down at the little girl in disbelief and the little girl cocks her head toward Joseph to hint that he's really the guy; Hans darts his eyes back at Joseph and gives him an evil grin]*
**Joseph Tagaki**: *[to the little girl]* Bitch.

*[John McClane stands by the window and contemplates throwing his tied-together shoes down at the power lines]*
**John McClane**: Hm, ... I bet I could.
*[John McClane throws his shoes and the laces wrap around the power line and hang there]*
**John McClane**: Hee hee! Aw, now I ain't got no shoes.

*[Hans Gruber shoots Joseph Tagaki dead]*
**John McClane**: *[offscreen]* Not the kind of shot in the face he wanted.
**Heinrich**: What was that?
**Jogn McClane**: *[offscreen]* Ice machine.

**Auntie Momma**: Cutty Sark. This alcohol's gunna give me loose lips and yall know, they ain't too tight to start with! *[farts]* I'm outrageous!

**John McClane**: Mayday! Mayday! Bad guys have taken over the Waterman tower! They're foreign but not Urrab, cuz they're not the go-to bad guys yet!

**Police Operator**: That sounds serious. I'll put in a call to the cop who shot a kid.
*[Al Powell is in a gas station store, putting nacho cheese in a Twinky]*
**Police Operator**: Junior, this is the hot girl who shouldn't be stuck in dispatch. We need you to investigate possible gunfire at the Waterman building.
**Al Powell**: Okay. I'm on my way. *[singing]* Twinky Twinky little snack. Wonder how you taste with cheese.

**Al Powell**: Excuse me, Guy Who Looks Like Huey Lewis, but are there terrorists shooting guns here?
**Eddie**: No. No one's here at all.
**Al Powell**: As a cop on Christmas, that's all I need to hear.

**Al Powell**: I shot a kid.

**John McClane**: Welcome to the party over here, pal.

**Hans Gruber**: Who are you? Just another American who watched too many TV mysteries as a child? Who do you think you are? Magnum P.U. or McMillan and Husband or Simon and Semen?

**John McClane**: Scooby Dooby Doo, motherfucker!

**Karl Vreski**: Where are you so we can come kill you?
**John McClane**: *[over the walkie talkie]* I'll never tell! Bye bye. Alright, where am I? Uh, 34th floor, northeast corner, under the exit sign. Twelve paces to the left of the elevator. Uhp, thumb still on the button. Uh, I mean, I'm on Planet 34th floor. Hm. They're gunna be looking all over space.

*[Karl Vreski opens his big present and finds a tiny sleeve of golf balls]*
**Karl Vreski**: A sleeve of Dunlaps. That's hilarious. Big box, small gift. I've never seen that before. Who did this!?
**Donny**: Hoo hoo! A ha ha ha ha ha!
*[Karl shoots Donny in the chest]*
**Karl Vreski**: Looks like I got a hole in one.
**Donna**: *[dying]* Ha ha ha. Nailed it. *[dies]*

**Cleveland**: ... The end.
**Junior**: Yay! That was a great story, daddy!
**Roberta**: That was a terrible story! And now I can't go back inside because my feet are frozen here.
*[Three judges enter]*
**Judge**: Well, it was all worth it because with this living nativity scene, you guys have won the neighborhood contest for best Christmas decorations!
**Cleveland**: Horray!
**Junior**: Woo hoo!
**Roberta**: Don't care.

**Cleveland**: You see guys, we could have just given up but with hard work and dedication, we won the Christmas decoration contest.
**Roberta**: That's only because nobody else joined this thing, dumbass.
**Cleveland**: Roberta!
**Judge**: Actually, she's got a point. On top of those Malauns, the only other people who joined this were some towelheads down the street.
**Cleveland**: You mean the Bin Quraishis? Mmph. I don't know what the wife looks like but she makes a halal cuisine that's to die for.
**Judge**: Yeah. Normally, we'd never promote a black Jesus, but the Bin Ladens, tried to sell us on a middle eastern one. *[laughs]* Can you imagine? Anyway. Here's your ribbon.
*[Judge gives Cleveland a ribbon and leaves]*

**Cleveland**: We won!
**Junior**: And it was all thanks to your amazing story. Will you tell us the sequel next Christmas?
**Cleveland**: Let's see what the internet says about this one first.
## Trivia

### Deleted Scenes

* Cleveland and Gus talk about bread sandwiches.
* Gus saying he has a too small colostomy bag.
* Cleveland comments on how good he and Rallo's banter is.
* Extended scene of Holt snorting cocaine.
* Kendra explains her vending machine joke.
* Cleveland tells Kendra he never was an ice machine.
* Cleveland reading the label on the strap.
* Cleveland yelling "I'm fatter than I said!"
* Tim making joke "Murder She Float", as a pun on "Murder, She Wrote".
* Lester saying there was a long beep at the end of Cleveland's sentence.
* Cleveland says he's feeling unappreciated and Junior says he loves him, which causes Cleveland to call him "Banana Pants" and then later whisper that he loves him too.