Wedding Speech

**The Wedding Ceremony Presided over by Phes - Storm Knight of Talos**

"Please bear with me – this is my first time…. Before we get started, I have an important health and safety announcement to make.  In the unlikely event of a fire, flood or other calamity, please make your way, in a calm and orderly fashion to the nearest building – Not the one right behind me here – that’s spoken for – no, you’ll need to find your own. Clear? – yes? Good – Well, with that out of the way, on we go…" <clear’s his throat>

"Dearly beloved who are gathered here today, the unwashed, unfortunate and unworthy, dear friends and family, …under the divine power given to me by sweet Talos – Bhaelros (the Lord of Storms), Kozah (the Harbinger of Fury), The Almighty Destroyer, <and so it goes on> …we have gathered under his benevolent and terrible watch, to bring together this unlikely, yet remarkably committed couple, <Insert names here>..."

**"Maura <what’s your last name?>** Pennicks?  Fenis??  Fen-nix! – …Good-o

-       High Priestess of fate and fury,

-       Mistress of mischief,

-       fleshy lock-picker of disturbing deftness, and

-       our veritable ‘ghoul next door’.

And…

'*Tatter-der-mallion - of the '***Baldur’s Gate Slangwangers**

-        colluvial stormcaster

-        lovable layabout,

-        capricious spellslinger, and

-       rakish knave of the highest order.

…are brought together in the most holy of unions.  So far so good? Yes???"  <Cough>  "Where was I – oh yes…"

"Under the tempestuous dominion of his great and terrible reign and the chaos that subjugates our great civilization (…blah, blah, blah), I hereby ask you two, the most solemn of questions. <To the bride>"

"Do you, [Bride name - erm… Maura], promise to remain faithful to, passionate with, and in whatever degree of cold, cloying union that Tatters deserves, under the unblinking gaze of Talos the Destroyer? <bride answers in the affirmative>"

"<To the groom> Do you, [Groom name - erm… Tatters] Promise to remain ever vigilant, protective and selfless when it comes to your bloodless spouse’s eternal happiness… and future family? <groom answers in the affirmative>"

"Stalwart Tatters – *most* agreeable Maura, <point at the audience> …this assembled throng, <point at the tower> …the citizens of Sharra and… <point at the heavens> …the Gods themselves, have heard your solemn vows and now bear witness to your public devotion and to this joyful union. You now may burn your names into the alter as one – forever joined, the most sacred of bonds, for all to see."

<The bride and groom place their joined hands on the altar as Phes dislodges his right eye and places his bloody fist on top of theirs, smiting it with devine grace>

"Talos has given his blessing to this connubial couple. It now falls to me to pronounce thee, husband..... and  …wife, you have been united under the law and lightning of Talos, may you go in whatever peace and fortune you collectively deserve.   Etcetera, etcetera…"

"I would recommend that gifts for the lovely couple be left on the side table – they wanted me to thank you for your generosity and remind you that Talos is watching  - so dig deep now, you hear.  After that you are all cordially invited to join us on the patio for some goat curry canapes, Yuan-tea cocktails and the finest musical performance seen this side of the Reaching Woods for many a year."