Tentacolino Review

**Bob:** A hundred years ago, tragedy struck the RMS Titanic, as over fifteen hundred innocent men, women, and children lost their lives. 85 years later, tragedy once again struck this horrific event with the release of "The Legend of the Titanic", an animated movie that was the worst thing to come out of Italy since Mussolini.

*Footage from the infamous animated film is played over Bob's narration.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Not only was it rife with lackluster animation, bad dialogue backed by even worse voice acting, and packed with even more clichés than the James Cameron film, but they somehow turned this cautionary tale about the dangers of man's pride and hubris into a piece of anti-whaling propaganda.

**Young Mouse:** You said before that that evil man, Everard Maltravers, was lost at sea. That means nobody's hunting the whales any longer!

**Grandfather Mouse:** Unfortunately, no, children. There will always be another Everard Maltravers. And things may change, but their evil lives on, and the whales are still hunted.

*Cut to a scene where the Titanic begins sinking and the passengers are running toward the lifeboats.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* And worse even, still, *nobody dies.*

**Cruise Director:** \*through a megaphone\* There's room for everyone!

**Bob:** *How do you get away with that?!* How do you take this real-life story where over fifteen hundred people die, and then you re-work it, so that in the end, *nobody* dies? \*voiceover\* Hell, even the few animal characters that *do* die just end up being fine by the end of the movie with no explanation as to why.

**Bob:** But what could possibly be worse than a movie that spits in the collective faces of everyone who died on the Titanic? It has a sequel.

*The DVD cover for the film we're about to see is displayed to the right of Bob.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* And even **worse**, still, they apparently named this sequel to a true event after a giant, Mickey Mouse-faced octopus named Tentacles.

**Bob:** I'm just gonna let that sink in with you for a moment.

*Footage of both Tentacles and the James Cameron film are shown, respectively.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Anyway, our story begins, apparently, trei anni dopo (three years later) from the events of the last movie, where we see the kind of deep-sea diving equipment that I'm sure was completely feasible in the year, 1915. Inside, we see our leads from the last movie, Don Juan, Elizabeth, their dog, Smile, and their mouse friends, Ronnie and Top Connors. For those of you who haven't seen "The Legend of the Titanic", Top Connors was telling the story of the movie to his grandchildren via flashback.

**Bob:** *Remember this.* \*voiceover\* And why exactly are these characters doing this? To search for the wreckage of the Titanic. Why are they searching for the wreckage of the Titanic? That's right, never explained!

**Bob:** \*sarcastic\* I do love it when a movie's characters are so clearly motivated. \*voiceover\* By the way, out of all of our main cast here, the only character who's voice hasn't changed between films is Elizabeth.

*Both movies are played back and fourth to show the differences between voices.*

**Top Connors (LotT):** I hate to be a spoil-sport, but I would like to draw to your attention the fact that she's a woman and you're a mouse!

**Top Connors:** You're right, sharks!

**Ronnie (LotT):** Well, if there's one thing I'm not, and that's a racist.

Ronnie: It seems to me that we've come to a stop. Don't you think so, too?

**Smiley (LotT):** You're right on that, my friend. Sometimes I... can't cite the fact that not all creatures are created equal.

**Smile:** Well, OK. Got a point, but I still don't like 'em.

**Don Juan (LotT):** Beautiful girl... over there! Go to her, Smiley!

**Don Juan:** Calm down, Smile. Even cats eat mice.

**Smile:** Oh, yeah? If you say so.

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* But things start taking a turn for the fortunate as the game of the sharks from the last movie, you heard me, begin to zero in on the submersible. We then dissolve to a crappy PS1 cutscene, where we meet what passes for the main villain for this movie: a rapping shark named Razorteeth, who's wearing a captain's uniform.

*Razorteeth starts singing a rap song, with the accompaniment of clams/oysters.*

**Bob:** You know, say what you will about the rapping dog from "Titanic: The Legend Goes On", at least that rap never *kinda* made sense. \*voiceover\* First of all, he actually has an audience that he can sing to, and secondly, seeing as how they're on the maiden voyage of the most beautiful ship ever built, he *could* easily make the argument that it is, in fact, party time.

**Rapping Dog:** \*rapping\* It's party time! It's party time! Everybody's feeling fine, 'cause it's party time! It's party time! It's party time! Everybody's feeling fine, 'cause it's party time!

Bob: \*voiceover\* Not only is this rapping shark also wearing clothes that make no sense and singing musical genre that won't be developed for several decades but who is singing to? Himself?