Episode 34: The Sudden Audit

Stylized as "The $udden Audit"

Dick and Johnson decide to play some shirtless volleyball, but then change their mind and go to play Mario Kart instead. Their game is interrupted when their cellphones ring, and both throw their phones against the wall and break them. They then receive a message in Morse code from the Chief via telegraph: all phones in the world have been destroyed and also a government auditor has been sent to their home. Just then, the auditor, named Donny Goldberg, (who looks and sounds like Mark Wahlberg) arrives at their door and begins the auditing process, noting all of Dick and Johnson's possessions.

Beginning right there in the foyer, Dick and Johnson point out the propeller of Amelia Earhart's lost plane, a replica of Kristen Visbal's *Fearless Girl* statue, and the testicles of the Loch Ness Monster (which are surprisingly small). Since Dick and Johnson have never dealt with their taxes themselves and are not fully aware of what an audit is, they wonder where their tax accountant is, but Donny tells the two that he has been fired — though not imprisoned — for being corrupt. As Dick is listing the many, many, many fish in their fish tank, all named after cartoon characters, the music of the Mario Kart game catches Donny's attention and they walk to the media room (one of over a hundred). On the way, a hologram of the ghost of the Red Baron flies by in his plane, followed by the actual ghost of the Red Baron. To wash off the ectoplasm the ghost left on them, they go down a water slide inside a drawer which leads through the swamp, into their water park shower.

They play a round of Mario Kart and when Dick wins, gold confetti begins falling from the ceiling and a crystal disco ball explodes, a garish display of wealth that occurs whenever anyone wins a game. The robot butler from *Rocky IV* enters and serves the three caviar, which they promptly throw away. Dick and Johnson explain that the robot works for them for free, because they reunited him with his wife, their washing machine. By pressing a button on a bust of Mariah Carey, Dick opens the next tube slide, while the robot goes to get more caviar from the caviar pool. The three mean to go to the Tiny Spoons room, but accidentally end up in the Spiny Toons room, which is dedicated exclusively to framed pictures of cartoons with pronounced spines. The next slide requires them to be nude and oiled up, because it is the fastest and wildest one and will rip off any clothes, and so they hand off their clothes to the robot servant from the *Richie Rich's Christmas Wish* (which didn't even feature Macaulay Culkin). When asked about their salary, Dick and Johnson realize they have no regular income, and any money they receive, such as through their job as consultants on the Dick and Johnson movie, they invest in water tube transport technology and PVP pipes, on advice of their former accountant, **Takethat Wiki**. Dick briefly wonders whether the investments in the tube technology may have been part of a money laundering scheme.

Going through the next tube, the longest and most unpleasant of the tubes, whose opening is in a silverware drawer, they arrive naked in the room next door, the Tiny Spoons room. Inspecting the tiny spoons, Donny finds one that is painted with a family portray of Dick and his mother and father. As Dick realizes he now possesses a picture of his unknown father, Donny eats the spoon to force Dick to admit its monetary worth. Dick, now fed up with Donny, explains that all of their belongings were gifts from good friends and people they have saved. Donny agrees to end his investigation if Dick and Johnson will donate one of their robots to the orphan pickpocket army he operates.

A large explosion goes off outside. Time Traveling Mark Twain, outfitted with future technology, is hovering in a force field in their yard and attacking their home. Johnson quickly lifts a bear rug from a lion rug from a tiger rug from two trap doors, to jump into the Villain's Tube, a large tube leading out a giant toilet outside. The Villain's Tube also automatically equips Dick and Johnson with what they need to fight villains, which is their clothes with cans of beer in the back pockets. As the three jump through the tube, Donny is outfitted with a set of Dick's clothes. Twain immediately shoots Johnson and Donny with a gravity gun, slamming them into the ground. Taunting them, Twain slips into the wrong accent and reveals himself to actually be Paul Lynde in disguise. Lynde claims that he is a future version of Paul Lynde that has been attacking them under the false identity of Twain this entire time. Putting on another mask, he has also shows that he is their former tax accountant Takethat Wiki. Wiki magically summons another Time Traveling Mark Twain from the future, and a Paul Lynde from the past. Dick and Johnson call out for their robot servants, but they are too far away to arrive in time. Donny attempts to call his personal friend **Optimus Prime**, but his cellphone, like all phones in the world, is broken. He instead begins vibrating at extreme speed using high tech micro fibers to contact him.

Dick and Johnson activate their defense system, blowing up all objects in their yard: their hedge maze, robot T-Rex, giant penny, Batmobile, the world's largest ball of yarn, and the Statue of Liberty completely buried in the ground save its torch. The explosion leaves a giant crater, but the Lyndes stand unharmed. Dick quickly chugs gator chum at the villains causing the swamp's gators to jump them, Donny continues his vibrating, Johnson whistles for a swarm of rabid capybaras to attack. With their dark magic and advanced future tech, the villains fight off the gators and capybaras and retaliate. At this point, Donny admits that he is in fact Mark Wahlberg and is working with **the Transformers**. He has come to inspect Dick and Johnson's house to make sure it is the safest place to hold their ground in this fight, because the three villains are planning to blow up Cybertron, the Transformers' home planet. They must defeat the Lyndes and save Cybertron to prevent an age of extinction and a mass immigration of Transformers to earth. Optimus Prime arrives and the three heroes jump onto his shoulders for a four man punch against the Paul Lyndes that forces them back into one person and back into their own timelines. As Optimus prepares to leave and return to hiding as a truck in a garage, Mark suggests for him to stay and become Dick and Johnson's truck, and, to Dick and Johnson's great delight, he agrees.