DPDA Case No. 27

The 27th Case of the DPDA was the debut of a now notorious enemy of the DPDA: Lady Rostefaru. It took place between the dates of the 21st and the 25th of January 1998. The following case report is written by Benjamin Sellars.

## Case File

On the 20th of January, 1998, Denzel's workplace (Thornton Stationery Company - Kensington & Chelsea Branch) at which Bernard and Tim also worked at were due to attend a company party in New York City. Myself, the Cashmere King and Cecil Longstaff were also to come to come with them, as we had been tipped of by Mister Jebidiah Thornton that a criminal was to attend the party, who threatened to burn down the building (The New York Thornton Plaza). However, Jebidiah did not know who the unidentified criminal was, however, he did know that the criminal had an East London accent.

We arrived in New York city at 8:45 AM on the 21st of January. At 7:35 PM, we arrived at the Thornton party, and immediately began looking for suspects. Julia Crosston, Jasper Scunthorpe and Trevor Stansfield were ruled out immediately as they worked alongside Denzel, Bernard and Tim. Cecil began violently interviewing an old man who he viewed as suspicious, whilst Denzel consumed several shots of rum and talked to people at the party. Bernard stayed outside for a few minutes longer than us, as he planned to knock out the bartender and replace him in the name of justice.

At 7:38, the bartender came and Bernard stopped him. He began howling like a gracious wolf to the misty pink moon, and then gave the bartender a great right hook. He took the bartender's identification and stored him in the brand new Pepper-Mobile (1957 Pink Lincoln Premiere). Bernard, being the charitable man he was left the bartender a Tom Jones CD (The Decca Years) as well as a lesser prize of 900 Great British Pounds and a 3 pound coupon to Sainsbury's.

Bernard entered the party with the undercover name of Mr. Matthew Lavender. Denzel began speaking to a woman dressed in a pink dress. Denzel proclaimed to her ''By God, woman! Your make-up is outstanding! Teach me, fair lady, teach me.'' Denzel and the woman began speaking. She revealed her name to be Lady Rita Rostefaru. Denzel and Lady Rostefaru engaged in an illustrious dance mixed with elements of Ballroom dancing and Disko dancing to a backdrop of Barry White's 'Just The Way You Are.'

Whilst bartending, Bernard listened in to conversations and learnt that two men suspected the perpetrator was in the master bedroom, and that the two men who were discussing this were helpers of said criminal. Bernard was petrified. In anger, he threw a peach juice at the mirror. He then used Denzel's stylophone to transmit a morse code message to Tim, proclaiming the information that he learnt. Tim was aroused by the fact that this case might already have been closed. He sent a morse code message back by tapping at a window, claiming that he needed a distraction. In his message, he said that the old man who was eating pork on the settee seemed to be on the verge of a heart attack, but Tim said he needed more. Bernard understood and showed a sly grin. He told one of the perpetrator's helpers that the other one had been calling him a Bozo. The man was enraged at this, and began fighting the other man. As this fight began, the old man begin having a heart attack. Tim was pleased. He made his way to the bedroom and spotted a rich woman who Denzel had been previously talking to.

Denzel had gone off to a different room and did some mad stuff with Lady Rostefaru. He was completely oblivious to what was happening. Tim hid in the shadows, and luckily, the rich woman did not notice him. Tim jumped out from the shadows and performed various Disko poses, until getting out his pistol, and declaring ''We've caught you, scum.'' He then kicked her arm with his 2 inch heels. The woman looked petrified, and insisted that she was innocent. Back in the main party room, the fight stopped, and Denzel returned. Tim brought out the woman and declared that the perpetrator had been caught. Everyone was ecstatic, especially Lady Rostefaru. We went back to our hotel room, and interrogated the woman, as well as the two men who claimed to be her helpers. The men insisted that they did not know her, and were saying that Lady Rostefaru was in fact the criminal. Denzel, who had 'fallen in love' with Lady Rostefaru could not believe the slander he was hearing. He slapped the man who said it, and spat at him in French.

The following day, on the 22nd of January, Denzel, Tim and Cecil went back to the Thornton Plaza to inspect the scene for any information. When they got there, they found a large pane of broken glass in a room with a dark red backdrop. The middle of the glass was shattered, whilst the rest was completely untouched. Denzel then remembered that Jebidiah said that the criminal had an East London accent, but the woman they took had a Birmingham accent. Denzel raised his hands in defeat, and shouted ''Forgive me, Jebbie...'' he then began crying tears of sadness. Tim brought the woman and declared that the DPDA were in fact wrong and she was right. Tim formally apologised to her and rewarded her 23 GBP. On the living room table, we found a note declaring that Lady Rostefaru was to be killed within 2 days. Denzel was distraught. He fell on his knees and begged God to save Rita. He cried ''Please Tom Jones...Save Rita...'' Cecil put his delicate left hand on Denzel's fur-draped shoulder and smiled peacefully at him. ''Don't worry. Tom Jones always prevails.''

The next day we returned to the house again, looking for more evidence. This time only Denzel and Cecil went. A gunshot was heard in the bedroom. Denzel and Cecil were petrified. Cecil was overcome with an animalistic rage, an urge to save the day. Denzel looked sickened. 'What if they shot Rostefaru?' he thought. They stormed into the room, and there lied Rita. Denzel's heart smashed into pieces. He fell to his knees and began touching the blood, which oddly looked already dry. Cecil dreaded seeing Denzel heartbroken. Denzel licked the blood, which Cecil found odd. But Denzel knew something odd was happening. The police were called, and Rita was transported to a London hospital. The DPDA also returned back to London, to the DPDA Office in Brixton.

On the 24th of January, at 6:13 AM, Denzel was sat crying in his office, mourning the loss of Lady Rostefaru. All of a sudden, a sexy pop was heard. And Denzel looked up. It was two men with tommy guns breaking down the door. Denzel was shocked, but ket his cool, like the slick cat he was. A man walked over and tied Denzel to the chair. ''If you move, we'll shoot'' declared one of the goons. Bernard and Cecil were hidden in the office when this happened. They wanted to battle the men, but they knew there was a strong chance they could be all killed. Denzel was taken by another two men, and put into a large black van. The Cashmere King (who was downstairs in the computer room) was informed by Bernard and Cecil that Denzel had been kidnapped. He stripped naked in front of Bernard and Cecil, and put on an illustrious white suit. Bernard and Cecil were proud and aroused. He entered his 1975 White Chrysler and followed the van. They arrived at a studio warehouse space in the South Bank. The studio were guarded by armed guards, who looked similar to the men with the tommy guns. The Cashmere King called 'pon backup, and his prodigy, Riccardo Midlands, a young lad with a promising future from the Midlands. He performed a feat of acrobatics and knocked out the two guards guarding the door with one swift tornado kick. The four men snuck into the studio with the silence of a panther. Tim arrived shortly after and caught up to us, with his full array of weapons. We came upon a room with several cleaners. Tim set up his gattling gun, and ran over to the cleaner and chloroformed him. Bernard chokeslammed another armed guard, and disguised himself as him.

The Cashmere King slid into a large red room, where Denzel was tied up. Luckily, the King brought a spare suit for Denzel, as well as a knife to release him from his constraints. As soon as Denzel changed, Lady Rostefaru came out of the shadows and declared ''You really are a fool, aren't you, Denzel Pepper?'' Denzel was overcome by emotions - joy, rage, arousal, disgust and shock. He soon realised that Lady Rostefaru was in fact the criminal mastermind who threatened to burn down the NYC Thornton Plaza. He was saddened, but he would not let that get in the way of his detective might. He performed a quintuple sommersault, followed by a decuple times spin, which disorientated Lady Rostefaru. He then jumped over her and landed with his 3 inch heels 'pon her head, which knocked her to the ground. Denzel declared ''The DPDA...ALWAYS GET THEIR WAY!'' The Cashmere King looked proud and put his arm around Denzel. Suddenly, a group of armed guards stormed the room and began shooting. Denzel and the King sprung up like kangaroos onto the chandelier. Bernard, Cecil, Riccardo and Tim entered the room. Cecil released a deafening screech which knocked several of the guards to the ground. He then spat his acidic spit onto one of the guards eyes, which due to the amount of ethanol and alcohol in Cecil's bloodstream made the guard go blind. Tim took out his mini battering ram, and with graceful elegance began battering the guards to a bloody pulp. Bernard chokeslammed several of the guards with raw agression and blind rage. he threw one of the guards into the wall, which broke his spine and left him paralysed. Denzel and The King swung down from the chandelier like graceful gorillas and knocked out the last two guards with their graceful feet.

They picked up Lady Rostefaru and declared ''It's over, missy.'' She laughed at Denzel's face and said ''This isn't the last time you'll be seeing me, you twatty boy.'' Denzel replied with ''This isn't the last time we shall defeat you and your gang of crooked croonies. I am the cute little trickster, BEHOLD.'' Lady Rostefaru snickered and said ''You devilishly handsome cunt, you, I will get my revenge.'' She was then taken away by the coppers.

## Gallery

Shot of Bernard at the partyDenzel chatting up a rich birdAngry Bernard throwing wine at the mirrorTwo Men FightingThe Old Man is fineDenzel ShockedTim and the Rich LadyCrime Scene 1Denzel squirming at bloodDenzel tasting the blood once he realises something icky is happeningLady Rostefaru's Goonies breakng into Denzel's officeDenzel tied up in his officeShot of Lady Rostefaru's Studio