Eric van Dorenkamp

**Eric van Dorenkamp** (born **Eric Gurnsley**; June 1, 1965) is an English singer, actor and television personality. Achieving fame in the 1980s, he has since transitioned into solo work and pursued other projects. He is best known for his camp behaviour and questionable talent.

Born to Dutch-English heritage, he initially reached attention as the lead vocalist for the New Romantic band Age of Starlight (stylised *A\**). A decade later, he began working in the West End on a string of mixed projects including the *Chlorea Epidemic Musical*. He then ventured into solo work, which produced songs such as "(I Want To Be) A Superstar", "Wiggle that Cl\*t" and "Rah".

Still musically active, van Dorenkamp's solo work has divided critics. Some hail it as uplifting, fun and universally appealing, while others argue he is a plague on humanity who sullies the very notion of art and should be the first person to be executed if capital punishment is ever brought back.

## Early life

Eric Gurnsley was born in 1965 in Blackpool and is a twin-child of Agnetta Gurnsley (née van Dorenkamp, where Eric derives his stage name) and John Gurnsley. His twin brother, Derek van Dorenkamp, was also forced to use his mother's maiden name. From an early age, Eric showed an interest in music, acting, theatre and his mother. When Eric was around six years old, his mother started taking him and Derek to visit her father Grandpa Dorenkamp. Unknown to Eric's mother, Grandpa used to sexually abuse Eric, a scandal that is still ongoing and is covered up by the nursing home staff. This explains a lot about him.

His mother encouraged his desire for acting and theatre, and persuaded him to appear in the school production of *Romeo and Juliet*. He refused to do it unless he got to play Juliet, so eventually, his teachers yielded and allowed him to play the role. During the famous balcony scene where Juliet laments the conflict between her love of Romeo and her family's rivalry with his house, Eric improvised the line by changing it to: "Romeo, Romeo, stick a bagel up my a-hole-leo". He then attempted to sit on fellow classmate Tiffany King's face. Parents and teachers were horrified, and Eric was expelled from that school.

His first televised appearance was in an advert in 1975 for Kellogg's Cornflakes. Although claims are unsubstantiated, it's believed he used to slip the cornflakes up his ass.

## Age of Starlight

Eric, Our Mate, Peter and whoever the fuck else was in it started booking small gigs at pubs and clubs as an aspiring band. It was in 1979 when they finally sat together and chose a name for their band. Inspired by a range of artists, they began to fuse their favourite sounds together. Eric was the lead vocalist, and his distinctive vibrato was widely praised and became one of the band's most notable characteristics.

They were an overnight success, and their gigs started to increase in scope until they were eventually selling out huge arenas. Their growing success led them to cultivate their exuberant, androgynous image that eventually came to define their legacy. Burgeoning at the same time as acts such as Boy George and Dead or Alive, they came to be seen as pioneers of the New Romantic movement. Rejecting the clean, polished version of masculinity that had dominated the previous era, their looks attracted significant attention and turned them into sex symbols.

The band became a staple on *Top of the Pops*, and they were rarely not in the UK charts. Their image, especially van Dorenkamp's, helped usher in an era of fearless gender-bending. They made history with their sold-out Basingstoke arena tour.

## Post-Age of Starlight career

### **West End and *The Cholera Epidemic of 1854* musical**

When A\* disbanded, Eric was out of work for almost a decade. He clung to the possibility that the band would reunite, but as this belief began to diminish he turned to food and alcohol. It was during this period that Eric's good looks began to wilt; he put on immense weight, like serious immense weight.

Eric became spheric.

After some encouragement from his mum he decided to rejuvenate his career. Instead of looking to releasing music, he chose to pursue his love of theatre by auditioning in the West End. He was eventually cast as physician John Snow in Damian Hancock's *The Cholera Epidemic of 1854*. Loosely based on historic events, Eric's initial run was well received by critics who praised his versatility and ability to distance himself from his A\* image. His enjoyed a highly publicised comeback during this time.

However, Eric's later performances began to divide critics. Instead of following his lines, he started to improvise and abandon the story. The theatre was put under great strain when, on one evening, Eric elected to leap off the stage while on a wire and harass the audience. Particular strain was put on Mate, as he was responsible for holding the rope attached to Eric's harness. As Eric unexpectedly leapt from the ceiling, Mate was jolted forward and had to hold tightly onto the rope as he was dragged across the floor backstage.

Eric would commit a varied range of offences, including snatching people's babies to give to other people and telling foreign viewers that they should "go back to [their] own country". On a few occasions the stage manager actually walked across the beams over the top of the theatre in attempt to catch Eric before he jumped off. Many times he missed, and was left, hanging armed over the top of the audience whilst Eric flew through the air below.

However, on one memorable occasion he managed to jump onto Eric before his descent but was taken down with him. As a sad and moving ballad was being performed - a pivotal scene in the play - Eric with the director clinging onto him came plummeting down from the ceiling. Instead of soaring around the audience, the director clung so strongly to Eric that Eric's trousers began to slide down and so did the director. The director's face then ended up being wedged in between Eric's bare (and bear) buttocks. During the fart the directors nose happened to slip within the confines of Eric's anus and became wedged there for a good amount of time. The audience was, understandably, horrified. Eric, however, was so aroused he farted again into the director's face, causing his nose to creep further inside the anal passage. Other members of the cast were said to peep out from behind the curtain in disbelief at the sights they were seeing, as members of the audience fled the room.

It was said that when the director's nose was finally removed from Eric's anus, the wrinkly imprint remained on his nostrils for quite some time.

### **Police (wo)man**

On one occasion, van Dorenkamp managed to become a female police-officer and jail guard. Wearing the tightest uniform he could fit into, he would parade up and down the cells, stopping and giving the prisoners an unwanted performance while stating "you've been a *bad* boy". He had a particular fondness for Our Mate, who was doing time for something he had not actually done.

### **Eurovision Song Contest 2011**

Eric somehow managed to end up representing the United Kingdom for the Eurovision Song Contest 2011. When called to the stage, Dorenkamp was nowhere to be found, and in a panic one of the many Eurovison staff members got pushed onto the stage. Though clearly nervous, the cleaner sung and stepped in for van Dorenkamp's absence. Asides from some nasal booing from a pregnant rodent in the front row, the crowd was reported to have roared with applause. At the voting stage, the United Kingdom secured a clear victory.

When the trophy was presented however, van Dorenkamp showed up and claimed the trophy for himself despite being missing from the stage earlier. He went on to perform his song "(I Want To Be) A Superstar", whilst being plagued by technical gaffs and errors, including getting wedged in a glass tube.

Due to van Dorenkamp not participating in the main event, and for the disappearance of the staff member who performed in van Dorenkamp's place, the trophy was finally awarded to Ell & Nikki of Azerbaijan who received the second highest amount of votes with their song "Running Scared".

Though not confirmed, as no records were brought forward about the employees of the night, some believe the unknown singer to be the other ex-band member of Age of Starlight, Our Mate, though this has yet to be confirmed.

### **Middle East**

Eric briefly toured the Middle East, but not to sell out huge arenas. He worked as an exotic dancer, sometimes for clients such as sultans and sheikhs, but also for nomadic, desert-dwelling groups such as the Bedouin. He would visit their tents in the middle of the dessert, lit by candlelight and jewel encrusted lanterns, garbed in a Badlah and attempt to perform belly dancing and other exotic dance moves.

#### **Dubai execution**

During his Middle East tour, Eric was arrested in Dubai and charged with being gay. In Dubai, being gay carries the death penalty, so Eric's chances of survival were looking slim (unlike him). He was brought to the top of a tall building and bound and gagged (something he possibly might have enjoyed), positioned at the precipice and sandwiched between two guards in turbans and robes with scimitars at their sides.

They pushed Eric off the high building, expecting him to fall to his death where, as custom dictates, a mob waits at the bottom to stone you if you show signs that you're not dead. However, instead of plummeting to the ground Eric managed to repeat his extraordinary feat of levitation he had managed in the West End.

Attached by a wire that did not appear to be there before, Eric soared among the streets of Dubai. The guards, confounded, rallied the city's reinforcements who were all dressed as if they'd come straight from 8th century Arabia. They pursued the flying Eric in a whimsical and slapstick sequence set to the sound of "Run Llama Run" from the *Emperor's New Groove* soundtrack but were unsuccessful in capturing him, and Eric managed to escape his own execution.

### ***Le viol d'un frère* and Cannes Film Festival**

Infamously terrible studio Bebo produced a film called *Le viol d'un frère* (*The Rape of a Brother*) inspired by real events when van Dorenkamp raped his Derek. The lavish art house film was surprisingly well received and was nominated for the Palme d'Or, despite the film being in incorrect French.

At the press conference at Cannes Film Festival, van Dorekamp, who starred as himself in the film, insisted on speaking French. One journalist, noting that van Dorekamp was clearly struggling with the language, explained to him that she was perfectly happy to speak in English if that was easier. van Dorekamp refused however, and continued to speak in broken, incorrect and borderline offensive French.

## Relationships

### **Derek**

Eric has an unusual relationship with his twin brother Derek van Dorenkamp. They are not especially close, and Derek is highly critical of his brother's career choices and behaviour in general. Sometimes they are civil, but other times the relationship has been marked by instances of voyeurism, incest and sexual assault.

#### **Phone call with Derek**

Instead of a smartphone, Eric uses a 1980s telephone when he's in his bedroom. On one occasion, he was in a pink robe made of faux silk with a towel on his head and blowing his nails while resting the phone's head on his shoulder as he lay on his bed on his front with his feet kicking in the air. He decided to call Derek who was in the room next door, propositioning him for a shag. When Derek refused, Eric put the phone to one side and released a thunderous trump. Derek heard the fart through the phone and asked Eric what it was. 'Oh it was just someone knocking at the door,' he replied. 'Some Jehovah Witnesses.'

Later in the evening, Derek was ready for bed when he found an old butty in his duvet with a sausage in. Surprised but delighted by his discovery, he picked up the sausage butty and bit into it, detecting a familiar taste. Suddenly, there was a groan of orgasmic pleasure. Derek recoiled from the butty and immediately switched his lamp on, seeing that the sausage was actually a penis. He looked up, and saw a naked Eric reclining in his sheets. Eric gave a coquettish wink, and then produced another resounding fart.

#### **Coffee with Derek**

As they were both down at their mum's, Derek and Eric were told by their mum that they should grab a coffee and have a catch up together. They both obliged, and headed into town to the coffee shop. Derek tried to have a normal conversation, asking Eric about how his West End projects are going. Eric told him he didn't do that anymore, and then they sat in awkward silence for some time. Their drinks were brought over, and then Derek went off to the toilet. Eric took this moment to open his floral coin purse and sprinkle some rohypnol into his own twin brother's coffee. When Derek came back, he finished his coffee and then started feeling lightheaded as they left the coffee shop. Eric carried him to his house, and then, unsurprisingly, raped him. Derek woke up in the morning with a familiar soreness, but when he rolled over he saw the back of a blonde haired woman sleeping next to him. He went to brush her hair out of her face, but accidentally snatched the hair off her head and realised it was actually a wig. He was then met with Eric's coquettish smile.

#### **Escaping out the window**

One time Eric snuck into his brother's room whilst he slept. he proceeded to roll his brother over and anally rape him. When Eric was satisfied he decided to escape through the window. After pulling the window up he heard Derek stir and groan in pain. Turning around he noticed Derek looking at him, rubbing his backside. 'You Didn't?" Derek asked, but Eric just smiled and launched himself out the window, the camera following him through the wall, and paned down the wall whilst Eric managed to somehow walk vertically down it.

### **Agnetta van Dorenkamp**

Eric has only ever desired one woman his whole life: his own mother. He is deeply attracted to her in a sexual way, and has made many lewd comments and attempts to try to trick her into engaging sexually with him. One night while Agnetta was in bed with her boyfriend, Eric climbed on top of her and pleasured himself. Another time, Eric actually went to the bother of disguising himself as a toilet so that his own mother would urinate on him, something he found extremely arousing. Angetta, God rest her soul, is completely oblivious to Eric's 'affections'.

#### **Knicker drawer incident**

Eric often uses his mother's underwear to masturbate himself off with, and was in need of a pair. As he went into her room, he found his brother Derek rifling through the very same drawer he intended to raid. Utterly confused about why Derek would be in there, he asked "what you doin'?". Derek furtively replied "er, nothing, what are you doing?". "Nothing" replied Eric, which Derek echoed.

They were both entirely unaware of the other's motive. Eric wanted to take a pair so he could crack one out to them, while Derek wanted them for his drag. This left an indelible mark on Eric's relationship with Derek, as Eric began to wonder if Derek had the same feelings for their own mother as he had.

## Personal life

### **Finances**

Although it seems feasible that van Dorenkamp would be financially stable, due to his regular output of content, his actions sometimes imply he is struggling in this regard. He is in regular need of £5, and will often pursue Our Mate in a colourful range of ways to ask for and obtain £5 from him.

To keep his colourful persona up, Eric finds luxurious ways to bost about his fame and apparent fortune. One way which he does this is to travel first class wherever he goes. On one occasion, Eric decided to visit Dubai, known to be a city of wealth and business. He decided, however, to fly first class in the new first class cabins on the Emirates airline, costing him well over £25,000. Because the flight was so dear Dorenkamp had no money left over for a hotel or even a return flight, so he was forced to phone Mate for a ride back to the UK.

There have also been occasions where Eric has actually forged, or stolen Mate's Credit Card, and withdrawn £5 notes (or equivalent in local currency) all over the world.

### **Sexuality**

Despite his incredibly camp demeanour, Eric is actually sexually attracted to a woman. His mother. However, he has had dalliances with men. On one occasion, he raped his twin brother Derek van Dorenkamp. He also performed fellatio on his former band mate Our Mate, whom he did so with consent.

However, it is his lust for his mother that has dominated his sexual appetite. Whenever he is with her, he will regularly attempt to be sexually active with her. He has been known to masturbate over her out of the window when she's unloading luggage from her car.

## Twitter

Eric uses his twitter account @EricVDorenkamp (PW. ilovemyfans) to reach out to his fans, letting them ask him questions about himself and his work. Unfortunately does not get much interest so instead, he tags random people in his posts and writes answers as if they have asked him something. He is particularly interested in harassing Phillip Schofield. Some of his notable tweets sign off with kisses (xxx's) and a generic (not to get confused with his brother) 'love my fans'. He once mistakenly tagged the World Health Organisation (@WHO) in a post when replying to a question about his favourite band.

One of his most famous tweets featured a 'big boys breakfast in the lorry cafe'. He incorrectly included a hashtag of #sausageandmash when in fact the image which he uploaded alongside the post was actually that of what appears to be toast and fried chicken. He also states that if he were "more gay*"* he would be a rainbow.

In Eric's Twitter bio, he has inserted a link for his 'new bio' *Here and Queer*. However, the link actually leads to a copy of a paperback edition of *The Saga of Grettir the Strong* by Penguin Classics on Amazon. How Eric managed to mix up the link, and why he has any knowledge of that book, remains another Eric mystery. When Eric has pretended fans have tweeted him asking him for a link to his bio, he has linked them to the incorrect pages on two occasions: one when he directed them to a copy of *A Brief Survey of the History of Bisham Church, Berkshire* by H. A. Jones, and a second time when the link took people to another Amazon link for a poster of percussion instruments.

## Publications

### **Autobiographies**

* *Here and Queer*
* *Diaries of a Slutterfly*
* *Secrets, Cash, Sausage & Mash*
* *Once on the Lips, a Lifetime on my Nips*
* *Mein Camp*
* *How Mrs Bridges' Chutneys Taught me about my Body*
* *Mum's the Word (and Fucking Fit)*
* *Poof the Fabulous Dragon*
* *Auschdicks*
* *The Trials and Tribulations of a Faggot who can't Butter Bread without a Scoop of Mrs Bridges' Chutney and a Serving of Fabulous*