Gil Ozeri, Our Close Friend

**"Gil Ozeri, Our Close Friend"** is the fifty-first episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Sean and Hayes basically shred the whole Apple company for certain failures in their products, then open up the Teaser Freezer once more to do a close reading of “The Equalizer” where Engineer Brett makes a surprising move. Then GIL OZERI arrives to dish on his role in various police killings, perform characters from his one-man shows, and answer questions from the Popcorn Gallery gang.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Hayes over the theme: "So I'm at the movie with Suchin.. Pak and she's like 'we gotta get out of here! there's a fire we gotta leave!' and I'm like, 'Suchin there's no fire, we're watching *Ladder 49* it's not a real fire.' But it was a real fire, and we weren't seeing *Ladder 49* we were seeing *Wicker Park* I just thought we were seeing *Ladder 49* because of the fire". Sean mentions how that's practically a disorder now, because so many people have died because that fire is so realistic in that movie
* Hayes asks Sean what he thinks of all this Apple stuff. It's funny Hayes mentioned that cause Sean is one of the few people that DOES think and that does use his brain to decide what kind of product to buy.
* The problem with Apple that people don't know is everything is so proprietary... You can only use Apple machines with apple machines, and they cost so much. If you're a real tech geek like Sean, you just say what Sean says -- You're not gonna get an Apple phone next, you're gonna get something else, something that you can hack because Sean is a big hacker. Apple phones aren't user friendly! There's no Swype! And you can't do so much, so Sean just doesn't have any Apple products anymore.
* Hayes watches a movie in an Uber every single morning. But Apple phone's screens aren't big enough! Hayes also has a problem where his headphones don't reach from his Apple watch to his ears so he can't watch movies on those either. The watch is innovative because it's wearable, but what Sean prefers to do is take a Reebok sweatband and shove his Galaxy S4 in there, and then boom! now that's a wearable.
* During the Teaser Freezer Sean and Brett are in agreement on how to pronounce Home Mart, they pronounce is Ho'mart, Hayes says there's supposed to be two M's. Sean and Brett disagree with Hayes and Hayes tells Sean he hopes he's happy, siding with Brett. Sean is blown away about what's happening, it's like Brett took a smart pill and Hayes got dumber, Hayes is starting to understand how to do the sound, and Brett can do the Teaser Freezer now. After Brett fails miserably at doing the Teaser Freezer Sean says how he think he's even learned how to say Home Mart. Hayes couldn't feel more vindicated about what happened, and now Sean is coming with Hayes to do the sound. Sean has proven himself stupid enough to do the sound now, and Brett is hosting alone. Hayes wants Brett to admit he can't do it and to say he gives up!
* Brett continuously mentions how he's not familiar with the Teaser Freezer and he wishes that he had a minute to settle into this role, and Sean finally interjects to ask Brett, "what segment do you think you would have been good at anyway?" Brett: "Welcome to Hollywood Handbook the um... Insider's guide to... this place we call showbiz, this place..." He remarks how he's sweating, and he swears he can do this. Sean mentions how they're in the Teaser Freezer where it's cold and he's sweating.
* Hayes tells him to come back and do the sound, and Brett apologizes and says he gives up. Sean thought he was part of a good podcast, but now he realizes it has a lot of problems. One is the sound guy tried to host it, and he let him. And now Sean just thinks this whole thing is just mean and exploitative. Hayes asks how he did on the sound and Brett says he actually did good. Brett says how Sean just kinda hovered over him and didn't really do anything, and Sean says it turned out just fine and that's what it needed.

### Guest Segment

* Sean talking over the theme: "So Viggo Mortensen looks at me, his eyes are like saucers. And he points and he's like 'What is that?' I thought he was joking, I said, 'That's pineapple.' Cause it's in the fruit salad, and he's never seen it. I had to go fruit by fruit and identify it for him. He saw the spiny one and so he got mad when I pointed it out, because he just didn't know what the inside of one looked like. Maybe Sean was too condescending, after all he grew up and spent all that time on the islands.
* Sean tries to mess Hayes up during the opening introductions, but Hayes tells him he will never mess it up.
* Gil quit writing for Brooklyn 99, and Hayes talks about how he heard it was because of all the Ferguson stuff going on. Gil says how that stuff happened a little bit afterwards, and Hayes says that that stuff happened because the cops were mad that he left the show. The cops said until he comes back we're gonna be very bad cops
* Sean talks about the Chris Dorner stuff was happening when Gil was stuck in a tough contract situation. Gil mentions how he doesn't think that's connected to him at all, but Sean says he never hears about the Chris Dorner story without hearing his name
* Gil takes the fall and says it was indeed all his fault and it wasn't any of the other writers' faults.
* Gil asks if when he whispers if it's picked up on the mic, Hayes says no, but dogs can hear. Gil asks if they have a lot of dogs that listen to the podcast and Hayes and Sean mention they have one mean dog, who considers himself a critic who listens. Let's just say he lifts his leg to the podcast. Sean puts it in another way -- this is episode 51 of the podcast, Sean is on like shuffle #53 at this point (interesting to note how Sean says he has an apple product now, after the pre-guest segment)
* Sean talks about he didn't own the dog, because legally the dog can't own the iPod because they might eat it. Gil should know this he worked on a cop show, but Gil admits that he never learned any of the law stuff he was supposed to
* Hayes asks Gil what he thinks of all this apple stuff and Gil thinks he's gonna get a new iPhone 6. Hayes and Sean like that, but they have their own issues with it all. It's too proprietary! It's all just one big scam, and the old ones are easier to hack. Gil still says he'll get one, enjoy buying plugs Hayes tells him
* When telling a story Sean mentions how he hasn't found a good way to talk about stories where people are going to the bathroom on each other in a way that feels comfortable. Gil asks Sean that he can't say taking a shit or something? Sean is a bit taken aback and congratulates Gil with being comfortable enough to say such a direct thing. He's an honest comic
* Sean talks again about how much he loves to visit the Chris Dorner house and it's almost a place of Zen for him, where he can just go to relax, and sometimes ski. Although Hayes says how he never has seen him ski over there, Sean says he never goes without bringing his ski's Gil asks Hayes what the Dorner house is to him and Hayes mentions there's a parking structure downtown where Chris Dorner did his first act, against two teenagers, and him going to that parking structure and just thinking, wow this is where I live?! and I get paid to work here?! it's a nice vacation where he can just relax and appreciate what he has
* The Dorner House to Gil is actually the Dorner gravesite, and he loves to go there to just turn his phone off and tune out. Just sit there and talk to Dorner man to man. Dorner is a great ear, and a good sounding board.
* Sean asks if they can hear a piece of one of Gil's shows. Gil says sure and they're all usually based off of his wacky family. His grandmother was an Irish roller coaster operator, and Sean mentions how life is often a roller coaster. Gil asks Sean if he saw the show, because that's the theme of the show! Sean did see it.
* Gil enacts a scene as his grandmother operating a roller coaster, and Sean asks which part of Ireland she was from, because he doesn't recognize the accent -- She's from Dublin. She actually committed suicide because she stopped the roller coaster one day while it was upside down to give a speech and 13 children had died. They fell right out and smashed into a dirty speech. Gil actually does commit suicide onstage when doing his one man show.
* Sean does a one-person show, he doesn't call it a one-man show because it's gender less. Hayes doesn't do a one-man show he does a man show, he plays all the characters -- all at once
* Gil has another grandmother who is a Jewish prostitute and has this whole other shtick about her. It's her and her other prostitutes hanging around until when a John walks up. Gil offers to enact the scene, and Sean mentions how he would love to hear the 7 different Jewish women with all different accents talking to this John and so Gil enacts that scene. And at the end of the scene you find out the woman that had sex with the John was Gil's grandmother, and that John was actually his grandfather
* Hayes tells Gil his family is very unusual but asks if he would trade them for anything in the world? Gil thinks about it and asks, anything? like what about money what do you mean? Hayes reiterates: anything. Gil has always wanted his own college, but he's conflicted he wants to say no, but the college just sounds too good to be true. Sean didn't realize it but he suddenly notices they're playing would you rather! like on the show that everyone likes! People might really like this!

## Recurring Segments

* Teaser Freezer - "The Equalizer" (Segment included in Best-Of Clip Show Ep. #084 - Moments of Greatness, Our Constant Companions)
	+ They open by discussing how so many action movies only appeal to the lowest common denominator
	+ Sean's 2014 book is *Old Man and the Sea*. Last year was *Of Mice and Men*. This was Hayes's 1975 book. The fish has gotta be the fish and the old man has to be the old man. This Book is about 70 pages long, Denzel has a huge, leather-bound 700-page book. He's reading it in a restaurant. You know, go to restaurant read book. He's on about page 4. Hayes thinks the book is *Old Man and the Sea* ten times in a row. Sean thinks its one page of the book, 9 pages of Denzel's thoughts.
	+ Denzel works at Home Mart. Sean & Brett: Ho'mart. Hayes: Home. Mart. Sean & Brett agree win. Hayes loses this battle and Brett gets a whole vote. Brett is an expert on wearing a Beatles shirt. Did Brett take some kind of super pill and now he's a smart guy? Hayes became so dumb doing the sound makes sense to him.
	+ New book about a knight in shining armor who lives in a world where knights don't exist anymore.
	+ Brett couldn't get through one sentence of the segment. Then Sean doesn't want to be on the same show as Brett. Hayes: "I guess this is the show now! this is the show now!"
	+ Brett: "He's putting a hammer.. back on the... He just slapped a woman."
	+ "I mean Engineer Brett is just *roasting* you. He's on the right side of this, I swear to God he is! Now what happened to you, or did he take some sort of super-pill and he's a smart guy now or what?"
* Popcorn Gallery
	+ Chanson - Gil mentions how that's a great name and Hayes and Sean tell him to please not encourage him. "What doesn't your IMDB page say that you'd like everyone to know?"
		- Gil's height. He's 4'9 and so when people see him in real life they're taken aback by how short he is. Sean tells him this is because he's a chameleon! he becomes these large gargantuan freaks when he needs to
	+ Mwn - "Good Evening Gil, why don't kids build tree houses anymore? They're always on their phones now? I hate it. Thank you"
		- Gil thinks kids are stupider. Sean and Hayes mention how it's all this trophy stuff's fault. Everybody get a trophy now, and you can just do anything like wipe your butt and get a trophy. It's not good training for the real world.
	+ CORPSEFUCKER SHITLORD - Usually that name gets a laugh, but in this case it didn't must be the vibe in the room. "Dear Gil, the technology to filter the salt out of water has existed for a long time but there is still water shortages in many parts of the world. Why doesn't somebody just build a large scale water purifying factory and take a bunch of the water from the ocean and turn it into fresh water?"
		- This guy's a little late to the game, Gil feels that this is already being done. There's no way that's not being done right? He's not paying attention to the news he's paying too much attention to his corpsefucker app on his phone.
* Pro Version - Slinkydink - Prize is his very own one man show from Gil Ozeri. Gil enacts a scene in 1939 where he takes Slinkydink to the top floor of a building in an elevator. Top floor -- Slinkydink walks out and see's the horizon! your champion! Gil stops and says he was going to make Slinkydink have sex with a dead body and it's too much of a crutch for him. He asks if this could not be in the show, Hayes and Sean tell him nah they already recorded it and end the show.

## Recurring Jokes

* Sean's Dad - Sean was sweating and hot from the weather in LA, he had to move his fan closer to his bed. And his windows are the crank windows in his basement apartment, his dad doesn't want to get them redone. He is not allowed to have a standard air conditioner in there. Also he isn't allowed to move the fan too close to the bed, because of his hair. He has temporary hair right now.
* Talking to the Engineer - Sean and Hayes berate Brett during the entire Teaser Freezer segment about how Hayes should do sound and Brett should host the show now. Brett fails miserably
* Speak on That - Gil prides himself on being an honest comic, and Hayes asks him to speak on that. Gil says how he feels how if you're gonna say something you gotta be honest and tell the truth. Even on a phone call Gil will tell the truth no matter what.
	+ Funny Zone - Hayes mentions how much like how Gil is always truthful he's learned how to live inside the funny zone and it can have a bit of a distorted effect on his honesty
* Bashing Other Podcasts - Sean and Hayes accidentally stumble into a game of Would You Rather, like on that show everyone likes (Comedy Bang Bang) and so people may actually wind up liking this episode
* Mark - Mark is getting pretty bored with the sound drops, and directs this sound drop to Hayes, he probably feels that he has too much job security being Sean's friend, and Sean mentions how he won 850 dollars on a scratcher, so he's probably feeling a bit on top of the world.
	+ Hayes mentions how he would rather hear nothing then these sounds that Mark is making lately, they're horrible! and even Gil says that if he knew these were going to be the sound drops he wouldn't have come. Mark probably feels like Hayes isn't appreciating the creativity of the past sound drops.
	+ The third sound drop was just Mark saying fuck you Hayes

## Ads

* Shout out to Molly Huber, she gave $100 to Earwolf, and she's from Chicago and she's gonna use her money to buy a deep dish pizza. Hayes understands the concept of this is that she *gave* the money to Earwolf so she actually doesn't get to buy a pizza, but for the purpose of the comedy bit she's gonna go buy the pizza with the money she is getting. Anyone who gives money to Earwolf it comes back to you tenfold, and now Molly is gonna use the $1,000 to buy 10 deep dish pizza's

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Sean Clements, Gil Ozeri, Hayes DavenportHayes, Sean, and Gil Ozeri in the studioGil Ozeri in the studioSean in the studioHayes is taking a picture of Brett Morris hosting Hollywood Handbook