Bargo the Bikdip: The Time Beyond Three Times/Story

# Bargo the Bikdip: The Time Beyond Three Times

## ***CHAPTER 1 - I didn’t name chapter 1 though, “The time beyond three times” is the name of the entire story***

Puce rain gurgled upwards out of the ground immediately surrounding Bargo's funeral, washing away the sins of the unforgiven. The sins flowed into a large river basin, where they accumulated into a gargantuan mass of cosmic horrors unlike the world has ever seen. Meanwhile, Bargo’s friends were talking to one another, pondering the many mysteries surrounding Bargo’s unfortunate demise. For example, why was he found dead in Wyoming, like who the fuck even goes there? Nobody except Bargo, who had somehow forgotten that the entire west coast and most of the midwest were covered in beans. The beans were slick with an oily substance that caused anyone that touched them to become stuck in place, which was only curable if one had access to Yukronsky saliva. Unfortunately, nobody involved knew of the correct way to normalize audio (which was also a way to fix the “Great Sticky Bean Problem of ‘03”, as it would come to be known as in future years), so instead, multiple Sullivan Wagons had to be called in for assistance. The Wagons, as it turned out, were equipped with heavy duty weaponry - not limited to - three cans of beans, a slingshot equipped with snowballs, and five oxen. With their newly obtained wagon, the group traveled for several hours in silence (with the occasional fart thanks to the beans), as they couldn’t help but ponder over Bargo’s last words before he left them. “Never look forward, and never look back - for all that awaits us is-- yeah, check please.”, he had said. At that moment, approximately 37.418 Wimples ran over carrying a check, and then sank into the ground. It was decided that the resulting holes in the ground were to be filled with liquidised cheese until our plucky adventurer decided that was too much effort, and carried on to the North. It was said by some that this was a poor move, and indeed it probably was, but the kind of people who say that sort of thing usually tend to be somewhat racist or generally unpleasant to be around, so they were ignored this time. Ignoring them turned out to be a bad move, for they had the power of some weird puce-coloured object that could tip the tides of battle, the battle in question was in a state of uncertainty and sentience, so the battle decided it didn’t want to exist anymore. Because the battle didn’t want the exist, the group decided to instead talk peacefully with their foes. Though this seemed to initially work, after a while, a WILDLY angry Doppli came to the front shouting something about the 18.4991thst Amendment. The Doppli WILDLY disapproved of the group’s use of isopropyl alcohol outside of agricultural engineering. That was, until it saw a plant was using most of it, then it was fine to use such a beverage. Sipping thoughtfully, I dreamt of summers in Karto, wishing for the sun to shine on my beleaguered form. “Why, when I was my own age,” I started, speaking to nobody in particular, swirling the rabbit bone in my cup, “I cooUUUUULLLDDDD!” “MAKE FUCKING PANCAKES”, I blurted to the red stapler monster that rested beside me all of a sudden - I don’t even know when it got there, nor do I know his name, I think I’ll call him Fristiou, “Hey Fristiou, you want some pancakes later, I know how to cook some mean fucking pancakes.” Before Fristiou could respond, however, the oxen that were dragging the wagon came running out of nowhere and trampled him to death, running off in a cloud of snowballs; it would seem that the wagon had been hijacked by a rogue Explosion. “Yee hoo”, she said, clutching her 101-year-old screwdriver that she stole from a bowling alley like the child she never had, to which Yukronsky replied “I think it’s ‘yee haw’, also what the hell is wrong with you?”. The screwdriver wasn’t actually 101 years old, it was just stored in the dustiest place in the universe for a year. “Ah, that’s a lot of dust.” quipped a cheese-covered wimple as it licked the screwdriver. The screwdriver whimpered, waiting for the wimple to stop licking it with its disturbing enthusiasm. But there would be no reprieve, for this was… the **Time Beyond Three Times!** \*cue long, elaborate anime intro\*

## CHApTER 2 -  In which Bargo’s death causes a children’s card game to be played

The anime intro took about seventeen hours, and the party (carrying Bargo’s deceased corpse), were running out of non-contaminated beans that were keeping them alive through this horrendous ordeal. They decided it would be wise to use the sticky beans to attach Bargo’s corpse to the stretcher so he didn’t fall off - unfortunately this got the screwdriver stuck, and eventually the wimple. Ironically, *only* Bargo’s corpse fell off the stretcher, and the screwdriver and wimple remained. As the evil Explosion continued to drive away on the wagon (which had turned into a stretcher), Yukronsky flew over the his fallen comrade Bargo, wondering when and why the Explosion had exhumed the body. Tears dripping from his eyes, Yukronsky gasped in shock as a nearby cloud began to snow, and the icy precipitation formed into a priest-shaped snowman named Pierce, who said “i   s h a l l . . . bring him back if you guys want, it costs around 16000 dollars whaddaya saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay”.Yukronsky checked its wallet and saw three paperclips and a rusty spoon, “Yeah I only got this shit, does that cover the costs of 16000 dollars?”, the bird asked inquisitively. The recipient totaled the contents of the wallet up to 16001 dollars, which was not the exact amount, and so denied the group of their advances with a Laser™ of Yellow®. The Laser™ of Yellow® missed by about 83 degrees, instead creating a continuous hole through an entire mountain range and causing irreparable geological changes. Meanwhile the opposing side, having come up with a devious plan, snuck up behind the companions whilst they were looking at the smoldering mountainside, and shot a Close Proximity Laser of Justice at them, knocking their HP to half. HADHAD, however, had had a trap card prepared, activating it as he cried “Ah-ha! You activated my trap card!”, which he said while activating his trap card, which was called “Drone Strike”; then a drone strike happened. The “Drone Strike” Trap Card allowed HADHAD to discard two cards from his hand to destroy a monster on his opponent’s side of the field and inflict its defence points to their Life Points, this of course left HADHAD’s opponent devastated. Pokemaster Ian decided this was the time to save the day by pulling out his Crucible of Lust, allowing him to pull two Intimate Love Cards© from his deck to use on HADHAD’s opponent, with relative success. He followed up by describing the effects of this card in excruciating detail that the narrator is too lazy to describe. As a result of the effects of the card being completely unclear, nobody knew whose turn it was, and as a result any and all prior combative intentions were dissolved, and instead all parties involved played a quick game of Go Fish (in which a random Thing joined them, lost, and then promptly evolved) before the heroes set their focus back to the main plot of this story. But, as they looked around, Pierce was suddenly nowhere to be smelled (as he’d smelled like jam), their wagon was still not yet unstoled, their bones itched, and for only the 6th collective time amongsteth themselves, they had no idea what they were gon’ do, yo.

## ChApTEr III - Maybe There’s a Switch in One of the Rooms

Quickly, HADHAD, Pokemaster Ian and Yukronsky cleared the area, setting fire to the remains of their opponent in the Children’s Card Game, making haste to find Pierce, wherever the fuck he was. As the trio of companions (and bargo, but he’s dead), looked around, they noticed a postcard on the ground saying “Dear companions, I regret to inform you that I had to leave on a rather short notice, my Queen required my services, but if you wish to revive your friend, you will require more than just the three of you! Sincerely - Pierce”. After receiving the letter, the group decided to gather as many additional companions as they could, and set out for all seven koopa hotels at the same time. While the first, 3rd, fourth, and ninth hotels were fine, the 7th one gave them a whole frigate-load of trouble, by gosh it did - what with its swinging axes and distracting pop-up ads promoting hot Virus Things in their area. The twenty-1st hotel was such a confusing sight, with a burlesque praying mantis design and several Miss Marple posters pasted on to the hotel like a chinese dragon with photoshop. HADHAD walked up to the posters, stared suspiciously and torched them with a massive blaze, revealing a passageway of stairs, the stairs being made out of several old bookcases, shoeboxes and toilet utensils. As the group descended into the mysterious dungeon, they were surprised to hear a cry for help; the cry itself wasn’t surprising, but what was, was the fact that they recognized the cry, it was Junspinars! As the sound of the Junspinars reached an unbearable volume, the world began to split in half, because it was louder than sliced bread. In order to limit the destruction, a nearby Shmyg’nhyg’n began conducting, leading the sounds into an orchestral choral arrangement of “Hot for Teacher” by Van Halen, calming the area and reducing global warming when it was done. Suddenly an infestation of Random Plants took over the area and set themselves on fire, increasing global warming once again, depressing the Shmmyg’nhyg’n. The qompanions, rather qonfused at what was going on around them, decided to disregard this and instead foqus on finding their final friend: Qaptain Pringle. Qaptain Pringle was not, in fact, a friend, or, in any way, final, however, and instead, was William Shatner. They were furious at this revelation, and from that afternoon forward Junspinar took it upon himself to fight fraudulent fops in court when he wasn’t busy, but for now he was indeed busy questing with his pals, and so spitting in the face of the well-disguised actor, they left hurriedly. The Well-Disguised Actor took offense at this and dropped his disguise, revealing the form of a recently discovered Strange Creature, it didn’t have a name yet so it dispensed a piece of paper with a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure short book from its mouth and allowed Junspinar to take a quest to decide the Strange Creature’s name. After spending 14 months on a banana tree, Junspinar shaves his beard, and then finishes the choose your own adventure book, coming to the conclusion that this new SC will be named Kosbium, and with that, our companions have enough in their group to petition the Queen.

## *CHAPTER 4: The chapter beyond three chapters*

Meanwhile, the gargantuan mass of cosmic horrors was eating breakfast. It was a pretty good breakfast, about the size of three melonballers. After eating their share of the föôd that was available, they did some cardiovascular exercises and skeddaddled on down the road towards New Queencitydom National State Parkville Town Square Plaza Castle. On their way to New Queencitydom National State Parkville Town Square Plaza Castle, they ran into a wild horde of Likabob, and although it was only a first stage evolution, there were about 20 of them, thus BATTLE START: Roll for initiative. Yukronsky rolled his d20, and it landed in the fourth spatial dimension, landing roughly equivalently to negative six. This caused the entire universe to end up in a suspended state of quantum superposition where every possible and impossible result of the d20 roll happened at once. The companions were confused by this superposition and decided to trek into the d20 itself to make the being inside shut up and make reality normal again, the problem was finding out where the fuck the entrance to the dice was. They threw Bargo’s corpse at the die, causing it to roll until it landed on a 9 - a nine of hearts appeared in front of them, asking a riddle. “What have I got in my pocket?” it said, to which Kosbium immediately, at that instant, without the ever so slightest hint of delay at all, whatsoever, without further adieu, said “batteryacidflavoredcornchips”. This shocked him so much that Kosbium had gotten his question correct that he travelled backwards through time on the corn chips and stepped on an ant, which, as a result, caused the companions stretcher to materialize out of nowhere, except it had somehow become a rocket propelled wine bottle. The wine bottle contained a revived Bargo, who had managed to get stuck like one of those weird boats. Bargo fluttered his eyes open and asked HADHAD for a vacuum cleaner to suck him out of the bottle, but it came out super muffled, leaving HADHAD with no idea with what he actually said. HADHAD decided to guess, and correctly used a vacuum cleaner, but incorrectly used it to clean off the dusty screwdriver, now deciding how to use it to fix this situation. As it would turn out, the correct solution was to disassemble the vacuum cleaner to form a robot costume and do a funny little dance, but they were never able to figure that out and so after waiting for 229 months and 8 minutes, they were allowed to solve it by default by the Keepgater. Impressed by their skills, the Keepgater gave them entry to the Queen’s castle. However, the Queen was not in the castle - the Queen WAS the castle! This was a massive shock to the companions, specifically Junsipinar, who grew to the size of the castle over the span of the next week and started punching the Queen. The Queen just kinda died and somewhere else in the world a small woodland creature started mourning on some alfredo. “Well now what are we supposed to do!?” yelled Yukronsky, gesturing at the dead Queen next to their dead friend Bargo. “I don’t know!” replied HADHAD, as he was holding back Pokémaster Ian from doing… things… to the Queen’s dead body, however, Junspinar came up with a realization: Even if the queen is dead, that doesn’t mean there isn’t a way to revive Bargo! Just then, however, the sound, of William Shatner’s, spoken word, album, echoed, throughout, the entire, universe, simultaneously, reviving and, killing, Bargo, for unexplained reasons. Bargo awoke in a purpley swirly dimension, he looked around and saw echos of his past adventures floating around, and he tried to enter the closest one to him.

## C.H.A.P.T.E.R. F.I.V.E ~ Degeneration and Junk

In the not-purpley-swirly-dimension dimension, there was a plesiosaur shaped mushroom that caught the eye of Atmobob. Bargo wasn’t sure why Atmobob was there, but it was nice to see a friendly face once in a while, so Bargo approached Atmobob with a seventy-four inch baseball bat that he planned on pretending to hit Atmobob with. Bargo grew long, overly detailed muscular human legs and carefully snuck forward in an exaggerated fashion while making a shit-eating grin, only to fail to realize that Atmobob was watching the entire time, rendering the entire process pointless. Bargo’s legs kept on getting longer until he left the atmosphere and ate the moon. Returning back to the ground, Bargo let out a surprisingly quiet burp considering what he had just eaten, before rolling backwards into a random refridgerator, knocking it over as the door closed. As the fridge fell over, it landed on Bargo, killing him again, meanwhile the Companions were completely unaware of what had occured, having spent the last 47^3 microseconds listening to William Shatners last will and testament. “Man that sucked” exposited Pokemaster Ian, and off they jived down the road, to where they met 3/4ths of a horde of Stecks. The Stecks complained very loudly that they only existed in a 3/4ths state, and thus the resulting shriek tore a hole in the fabric of Pokemaster Ian’s Jeans.. Eventually, the remaining ¼ of every individual Steck arrived, fixed Pokemaster Ian’s Jeans, and left, causing the ¾ Stecks to shriek again, restarting the cycle. To make things easier, Pokémaster Ian decided to strip naked, disintegrating the corneas of all that looked at his junk. Unfortunately, that just made things harder… in more ways than one. This was indeed a very hard situation, which reminded Yukronsky that there was a very sticky situation, “This very hard situation reminds me of a very sticky situation” relayed Yukronsky to the companions. “The Sticky Situation, or rather The Disaster Of The Whipped Cream Incident of ‘71,” Yukronsky began, “Was an unfortunate case where the Whipped Cream factory somewhere in Venezuela had exploded, causing sticky cream to adhere to everyone’s eyelids, making them unable to sleep for seven hundred hours.” While Yukronsky was talking about the whipped cream explosion, a flashback sequence started, and everyone teleported to Venezuela.  “Not again!” cried Bargo, apparently dissatisfied with the situation, and so he traveled to the nearest timespace embassy for financial and emotional compensation. Fortunately for Bargo, timespace embassies work by booking retroactively, so although Bargo had yet to make an appointment, because he would some day in the future make an appointment for this very moment, the embassy was expecting him and had prepared his an agent to service him. Of course, the agent was very good at “servicing”, and Bargo was “serviced” very well, and Bargo “enjoyed” the “service”, so “he” had “a” very “good” ti”me”. Bargo to”ok” a st”ep” ba”ck” and no”ti”ce”d” the “gr”am”me”r of the wo”rl”d falling apart, so he hit it with a hammer and attempted to fix it, retroactively fixing some of the punctuation in the story. Ho:weve[R, s(Om)3 of the GrAmMaR oF tHe StOrY wAs r3tr0a{t!\/E|\_y m4d3 V\/()|2sE, but only for half a sentence.

## CHAPTER 6 - Imposnet Syndorme

The “service” took so long that it was already ‘03 again by the time Bargo got out, so whatever Yukronsky was trying to tell them about the Sticky Situation was missed, but it probably wasn’t important, and so with a <pep> sound, Bargo rushed forward to catch upw tih the party’s proper progression, Sadly, the massive <pep? Sound distracted Barog in a weird way so he cot gouth upo with the infestation of beans and got stuck in the Great Sticky Beans Problem of ‘03 and there was a ware between all of the Companions whether they should try and free Barog or abandon Bargo in the beans and let nature garry on as intended for a stable time loop. At that point in time Yukronskyt had a massive coughing fit and got saliva and fleghm all over Bargo, freeing him from his prison and getting him a bit darky. However, Bargo absorbed the saliva and grew a realistic human face for no logical reason. The face was so realizestic that HADHAD had a horriable firtgh and burned Bargo’s new face off, revealing that he was actually a Cybrgo! Yes, that’s right, the Bargo they cad come to knwo and lvoe, or rather just lvoe since they already knew him, except actually they loved him already too, but the PINT IT that THIS barog was a fake! Bargo started charging his eye beams to unleash a super mega laser of ulti-death to annihilate the barog, after this was complete (taking about seventenn microsecond [give or take a decade]) Bargo accdiently destroyed five cities behind barog which made him feel bad, so he sank off into a depressive slump. Fortunately there was a parofonkialifabuncsilationestimaturelanjopanhass there to cheer up the bikdip; “Thanks parofonkialifabuncsilationestimaturelanjobapanhassa” said the bargo, to wchijc the parofonkialifabuncsilationestimaturelanjobahas hissed at bargo, eating all of his non-stickyt beans with great gusteau and many leers in bargo’s direction. However, all of the non-sticky beans turned sticky as soon as the parofonkialifabuncsilationestimaturelanjopanhass went within 40 furlongs of the beans. Upon seeing this happen, Bargo started to panic, realizing the cause of the Great Sticky Bean Problem of ‘03, this he beseached to Yukronsky for he was a yukronsky, so he was able to spit upon the beans (one of the fixes for sticky beans) however they were made resticky thanks to the UFO. As a result, HadHAD first fired a granade at the UFO first before Bargo got Yukronsky to spit on the beans, allowing then to be unstickied at long last. The Beans started destablising which allowed the freeing movement of HADHAD and Bargo, so the Beans started melting across a small area, about the size of 1% of 1% of 1% of Wyoming. The very small area was actually a Shmihih, who was taking in all the beans (who knew they could do that, am i right fellas?) and tried to evolve, but it didn’t wark because beans are decidedly not lamps. However, after the beans were taken in, the Shmihih turned itself into a lamp, ate itself, and then evolved. The newly-minted Shmihkih ran around in dumb circles, as it forgot what it had to live for. Because he forgot what it had to live for, it promptly perished, and thus the copanioms mourned for half an egg, and then decided to finish their purposeful quest: To rid the world of devistation, detination, and really sticky god damned beans.

## CHAPTER SESE7ENEN - Haha fune

Just then, his phone rang - it was her, except actually it was her, and she said “You, what’s are is you wearing?”. To which he replied to her “Nothing of course, I’m a SC, and most of us dont wear clothes!” She stammered and wondered about the nature of clothes and if they even existed in the first place, so she walked into a pile of fabric and attempted to become one with the clothes. He did not like this however, while xe thought it was a strange craze sweeping across the micronation of ladonia, noting it down as “haha fune”. Their friends nodded in agreement. “Yes, fune, haha, very haha fune.” they all said in unison. And their possibly-alive corpse appeared and agreed that it was haha fune. Meanwhile, he teleported to all of the gyms they had visited in their old adventures one after another to collect the car keys of all the gym leaders, because it seemed like a good idea, before returning to the beach, where everyone had been hanging out. While he was doing this, the others had stumbled onto a very important clue buried under the sand: “One of you will shortly perish”. The other he fell over in shock of a heart attack and died, just as the sand asked, he was shocked as well and drew in the sand “and come back to life later.” He while her had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the sand, he just said screw it and ate the sand, feeding himself with delicious grains, while for some reason, “haha fune” came into his thoughts. The cosmic background radiation was beaming into his and everyone else’s mind, encoded with “haha fune”. Eventually, the universe itself got in on the joke, and nobody could hear anything except the sound of “haha fune”.And then Puce. “Yeah, that’s right, you goddamn heard him”, they said to nobody in particular. Then they started arguing over what the puce thing was, it was a mess they didn’t even know they were there they just were. Then it started raining aubergine, which was a disappointment to everyone who wanted to remember his funeral, until it started raining actual aubergines, then there was a feast that one certain he looked forward to very much. Aubergines are actually a delicacy there, so nobody was disappointed except that one guy, who was extremely disappointed. However, the aubergine rain soon stopped, and everyone who ate them was afflicted with an inability to walk normally, and the Ministry of Silly Walks was forced to intervene. As the ministry of silly walks commenced their lesson, they taught everyone a great new way of walking based upon a popular song, however nobody really cared about it, and in some peoples case, couldn’t walk like that even if they wanted to. With that being said, they continued on trying to silly walk when they felt like it, eventually coming across a big sign with VERY BIG WORDS that read “Hello I am the biggest sign in the lands.”As it happens, the sign was actually a secret portal back to the purply swirly dimension, just in case they missed some golden bananas, bugs exclusive to that area, or one of the 6000119056 collectible packing peanuts - and so they acknowledged it and trekked onwards into the Forest of Frozen Beer.

## CHAPTER EIGHTY MINUS SEVENTY TWO WHICH MAKES EIGHT OR SOMETHING - THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN [CENSORED] BY SEVERAL AUTHORITATIVE BODIES

HADHAD got sick of the Forest of Frozen Beer nearly instantly because it was cold and he was a pretty hotheaded guy so he set fire to the Forest and signmakers suddenly changed the signs to “Forest of the really fucking hot Beer”. Unfortunately this got HADHAD in trouble with the municipal government, so he had to go on the run and leave the party for a while. While On The Run™, HADHAD met a Bus that was also On The Run™, and decided to take a ride on top of the Bus. After this, a new spinoff youtube channel was made, called HADHADOnABus, because HADHAD was on a bus. It was brigaded by Christian groups after reaching 666 subscribers, but quickly tapered off once it hit 667, luckily for him. Meanwhile, whilst hiding from the Christian groups, Bargo, Junspinar, Yukronsky, HADHAD, Pokemaster Ian, and Kosbium, started to formulate their plan to stop William Shatner (the leader of the christian groups). William Shatner had devised the most evilest of plans to steal all the world’s sand and inject it with dangerous “SAND FLUIDS” to make it a strange liquid that would flood with world with desert, meaning Bargo, Junspinar, Ykronsky, HADHAD, Pokemaster Ian and Kosbium had to find the magic ANTI SAND FLUIDS JUICE, or some shit i’m not getting paid enough for this. Thankfully, the car key collection Atmobob had made turned out to be the first step required to getting to the magic ANTI SAND FLUIDS JUICE, but because he wasn’t listed in the previous list, he got angry and demanded that the others throw him a beach party to make it up to him before he would give them the keys. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a beach for a few meters away, so the companions had to make do with some pocket sand, a jar of tears, a singular pebbles, and one torn butterfly net. The pocket sand combined with the singular pebbles to form a STONE of POINTLESSNESS, and the butterfly net was used to catch a bee, which was put into the jar of tears to produce a LAMP of ILLOGIC. The LAMP of ILLOGIC sheds light on all the logical fallacies of people lit by its glow, which somehow afforded them the ability to solve the problem they were facing at the moment. The problem, of course, being “how do you fit a square hole into a round object”. Despite this riddle being impossible due to being backwards, HADHAD picked up the hole and destroyed chunks of the round object, causing it to slide into the hole and vanish into the aether. With that finally settled, Junspinar cracked his knuckles and inhaled really deeply, so deeply that he accidentally ingested the entire forest, revealing that the placements of the trees from above had actually spelled out the URL to a GameFAQs walkthrough of their current quest, and though it was incomplete, it at least told them what their next destination would have to be. Pokemaster Ian emerged with a laptop in hand that was very sticky - he said it was from the beans - and decided to navigate his [CENSORED] folder to find his [CENSORED] browser, closing his [CENSORED] tabs to eventually typing in the url. The Companions had to see Pokemaster Ian explore the [CENSORED] url on his sticky as shit laptop, Bargo yelled at Pokemaster Ian to go back after he spotted a bookmark on the computer titled “How to stop a massive influx of beans that have taken of Wyoming and half the US.mp4”. When they clicked the video, it depicted an old-timey-looking SC they had never seen before, apparently giving a lecture on how to solve the Great Sticky Bean Problem of ‘03, though barely anybody seemed to be attending, explaining why this solution hadn’t been discovered yet, but just before the SC could get to the “‘good part’”, the video corrupted, and so they decided they must seek them out themselves to discover the solution.

## [Chapter 9 - currently unnamed. No, that’s not actually the name of the chapter. Neither was that.]

Y’know that feeling when you’re like, the only guy in a teacher-assigned group full of a bunch of girls that are all friends with each other but don’t know you at all and are somewhat sexist and think they know everything, but you still have to try and contribute to the group anyway, and it’s all awkward and shit? That’s how the overall coagulation felt as they tried to listen intently to a chalkboard with a different solution to the beans problem; which was interrupted by Wikipedia. Wikipedia decided to search on Wikipedia on the rich history of beans to see if beans have any natural predators in the wild, unfortunately, the list was vandalised by William Shatner exactly 11 seconds ago. So instead the companions decided to go to Vickypedia, which was every teenage girl’s dream of an information supersite. Unfortunately, Vickypedia did not contain information on anything other than spheres of influence. As a result, they all got distracted playing Clicks to Hitler for 900,000 dozen metric centuries before a glass staircase appeared in front of them, leading up into some kind of see-through labyrinth floating in the air. A giant ATM appeared infront of the companions and they could redeem the money they got from playing Clicks to Htiler as an E-Sport and could cash out for neat keyrings and novelty pencils, Yukronsky went crazy and purchased every chartreuse coloured novelty keyring possible, leaving them with no credits or money from their e-sports fame. So from that point on, they were living in the boonies, kicking cans of dried fruit up the wall as a barrel of fire burned closely… for about 30 whole seconds until they “discovered” some money that may or may not have belonged to a Steck. The Steck walked over and said “Hey since you have my money can you get me a burger?”. “Sure, I guess”, they replied, launching into the air like a space shuttle and blinking out in the night sky, before walking in from a nearby shed holding a slightly damp monkey meat burger. A space shuttle formed around the companions as if reality didn’t want them to die, HADHAD looked outside, cleaning the window, before noticing a crack in the window, the crack instantly disintegrated, making the companions fly out into the depths of space with no oxygen. At that point in time Pokemaster Ian remembered he had been keeping a BOWL of OXYGEN he was keeping for later use, and inhaled it which caused him to learn the “Get out of here” move, thus leading our heroes to a Gym ™ ® © All Rights Reserved. At the Gym ™ ® ©, the companions encountered the Gym ™ ® © Leader ™ ® ©, who was actually the pissed off Doppli from the first chapter. “Oh boy”, said Yukronsky “Haha”, “woah-who”, “hee-ho”, “ba-baow”, “pa-ling”, before preemptively firing a laser of ice from his mouth at the confused Doppli, starting the battle. The Doppli was unsure about why Yukronsky was fighting it, but it tried to counterattack in self-defense with a karate kung fu choke hold, fortunately for Yukronsky, karate kung fu choke holds are easy to avoid when you’re a big flying bird, as opposed to a big non flying bird. Yukronsky counter-counter attacked with a Wing-ed Strike, knocking out the Doppli for about two seconds before it sank into the ground, leaving a pile of loot that was now guarded by about half a Synfek~fek, give or take a half of a Synfek~fek. The Synfek got bored and walked away from the pile of loot, allowing the companions to take it. The loot pile contained an mp3 player perpetually playing polkabilly covers of 70s songs, nineteen toothpicks, one of which had a huge wad of solidified gum on the end, and a hairbrush with a picture of Randy Savage printed on it, and so the companions celebrated their victory before ditching town and hiring a taxiboat to drive them to their exact antipode so they could continue their journey.

## C H A P T E R - T E N - NOW WITH 125% MORE GUSTO

The next antipode was a massive cave that looked like it came out of a giant-fuck-off RPG parody, complete with a level locked door that told the Companions that Bargo needed to be level 277 and be holding ‘The Demise Rod of Fantastical Demise’, Bargo said “Well fuck I guess we need to level grind now,” after realising he was only Level 87, “Maybe that convenient pile of Sticks will help us,” he said, as a giant pile of Rhinos fell on the giant pile of Sticks, evolving them into Wimples. “Oh no, not again” said Kosbium, despite not having been there the first time (earning shifty glances from the rest of the companions” before saying “Oh! I know!” and building up speed with one of the rhinos for 55505096054820677762977469058584367838369728767878980890890435792342573550902659660492650295766305266064730677262606736530603738637539630744729 parasitic bunchbeetles’ lifetimes worth of time and clipping into the door, causing them to all go through the loading zone into the boss room. After this, the companions raised a parasitic bunchbeetle from the 55505096054820677762977469058584367838369728767878980890890435792342573550902659660492650295766305266064730677262606736530603738637539630744730th generation up a few feet to jump off from it and get past the boss room into a door that would normally only become accessible after getting the Spider Ball from the boss, and then proceeded to get all of the Chozo Artifacts out of order. Then they visited Gary Apple. Garry Apple didn’t have anything interesting to say so the just decided to throw him into the woodchipper by the edge of the mountain and hope he “accidentally” landed in it instead of the mattress factory right next do. Unfortunately, he landed on the division between the two, and just kind of sat there silently accepting his fate (or lack thereof) for all the rest of eternity - and meanwhile… Steck was eating a burger and contemplating life while everyone else was doing interesting things like scuttlebug raising and light ball glitches. “Ah” said Steck, “This is the life.” also said Steck, now using the burger to perform a tricky bomb jump up Mt. Everest and some other unusually tall locale that had been discovered by Fred Fuchs, according to a deadbeat Skrumpei who wrote an adult softcover book anyway. Ontop of Mt Everest there was a bucket of red paint, HADHAD kicked the paint bucket over but instead of staining the mountain red, a series of pictures depicting Gary Apple’s head flew out of the bucket and started bouncing away like large cabbages, HADHAD shrugged and ignored it. Junspinar bought a postcard and then they all rolled down the mountain in a big wheel made of their bodies, landing in a dumpster, which, conveniently, was exactly where they needed to go. The dumpster was filled with slightly out of date food, which was conveniently exactly what the companions needed. The out of date food was consumed and now all but Yukronsky had been sent to the past, until 10 femtoseconds passed, and now Yukronsky had also been sent to the past, but about 12 minutes before the others. Yukronsky found a way to kill time and catch up to the others, by which I mean actually finding a Strange Creature called Time and murdering it in cold blood, Yukronsky absorbed the cold blood, not feeling the side effects due to being cold affiliated, now hopped through time to join the rest of the companions, gaining a clock shaped scar under his left wing. None of the other companions would ever learn of his dark secret, except for when they all found out 63.0000909090909111x10^10^662 picoseconds later, and they all said “Oh, that’s our Yukronsky!” in unison like a creepy child choir.

## chapter elevenθ: The Chapter With Even More Overly Long Sentences Than Usual

So the entire group of friends (all 14 of them, this includes the ones that you don’t know about yet) asked some random dude named Mick where to go next to find the necessary amount of rope, and he said to go straight forward for a while, then left, then straight, then right, then left, then down into a hole, then straight for the next six turns, then right, then right again, then back up to ground level, then follow the line of burning trees until the dead animals on the ground started to become less common, then left, then go that way straight to the ocean, then pick up an abandoned wallet there, then come all the way back, give Mick a few dollars for his trouble, and use the rest of the money to just buy some rope at Lowe’s. Fortunately HADHAD knew a shortcut that was just walking about ten feet to the right and found the wallet, paid Mick for his dues and hurried on to the only known Lowe’s in the region, but got lost on the way there and ended up in some weird store called “AEKI”. While in the store called “AEKI,” HADHAD had purchased 5 dollars and eighty-two cents worth of corn pone, which needless to say, was QUITE a lot of corn pone, with that kind of cash. Thankfully HADHAD could sell the corn pone off on the black market for an even greater sum of money than he had had purchased it at, meaning he could generate infinity money. This got patched out by the devs, however, and HADHAD was sentenced to death, so the SCs all attended his execution - HADHAD was dead. However, the method of execution was a beheading, and seeing as how he’s a stick figure body standing on a head, all they ended up doing was somewhat cutting into his feet and the top of his head - this was painful, but not lethal. The Gods decided this was a perfect execution and gave everyone an A+ for effort, except Wimple, who got an A++, causing every strange creature in existence to turn on Wimple for being better than them (that’s mob mentality for ya). But because Wimple was smarter than everyone else by such a great degree, he knew to turn in the opposite direction; which cancelled out everyone else’s turning. The Companions were confused at the intelligence of the Wimple, and backtracked in their turning to ask the Wimple what educational sites it attended. However, just as the Wimple was telling them, a really fucking loud Bus drove by, so they didn’t hear what they said. This caused the wimple to lose its ability to hear itself for some reason. Cosno (who was part of this group the entire time, but was never mentioned because she can only evolve by not talking for three years) suddenly remembered that there was a single copy of Wii Sports in existence that had Totaka’s Song programmed into it, and if they could find that, they would be millionaires! Unfortunately, that single copy of Wii Sports was being used as a replacement for the Payback DVD in a highly secure museum that only let down its security when the password “GARBAGEBEEF” was inputted into the front door - fortunately Yukronsky had read the script. So Yukronsky inputted “GARBAGEBEEF” into the security door, and granted access to the companions so they can gain the Payback DVD to replace the copy of Wii Sports. After combining it with the glow-in-the-dark candlestick, they managed to make a pretty convenient DVD holder, freeing up the case they had so they could use it as a deadly weapon. However, immediately after this, the case got lost somewhere and presumably disappeared into whatever dimension exactly half of all the socks go into from the dryer. [Insert very convoluted CG sequence here, in which the camera pans into Ian’s left eyeball, then is suddenly a view of the universe, zooms in on a cluster of galaxies, quickly flies by an epic space battle, then zooms into an exploding ship, which reforms into a star, planets start orbiting it, continue zooming into one of the planets, all the way to an alternate Ian, zoom into *his* left eye, and then just … millions of billions of socks forming molecules.]