Dylan Zitkus (9 Year-Old)

**"***Mhm, I'm sorry mister, but my mommy says vaping is bad, so I only do Crack Cocaine, and Black Tar Heroin.***"**
— **Dylan**

## Biographical Information

### Relatives

Dylan's Mom
Dylan's Dad
Dylan's Grandpa
Uncle Willy

### Portrayed By

Dylan Zitkus

Dylan Zitkus (9 Year-Old) is the child version of Dylan Zitkus, who appears frequently in Dylan's videos. He had an enlarged face, and a crude high-pitched voice.

## Personality

9 Year-Old Dylan is described to be not very smart. In The Time I Survived a Bullet to The Head, Dylan stated that the only reason he survived was because of how dumb he is.

## History

### Getting Offered Drugs

In The Time I Got Offered Drugs, a random guy walks up to Dylan and offers him a hit from his vape, to which Dylan declines. This is because his Mom told him that vaping is bad, so Dylan only does *crack cocaine,* and *black tar heroin*. The Random Guy, despite being a drug dealer and offering Dylan drugs just moments before, is shocked to hear how a nine year-old does two highly addictive substances, to which Dylan states that he's technically *nine and a half,* just before saying how he does bother substances *twice a day*. The Random Guy is even *more* surprised when hearing this, and questions how Dylan is even still alive. He *does* mention how he could *technically* get Dylan these substances, until he gets cut off. Dylan asks if the random guy can hit him up with them, but The Random Guy is questioning how he'd be able to just be fine with himself after doing that. Dylan pulls out a gun, and threatens the guy, in order to get his drugs, to which he hastily complies.

### Surviving a Plane Crash

Dylan was thought to be dead, as he was on a plane that crashed, until Dylan himself showed up at, causing his Mom to have a (small) outburst as Dylan had a 3.1 million dollar life insurance policy, where she'd get all the money.

   She then asks Dylan how he actually *survived* the plane crash, to which he reveals that some guy named *Michael* didn't have his phone off airplane mode, which he considered a big deal, so he took out a firearm and shot the pilot for unknown reasons. How Dylan managed to *actually* survive was by jumping at the exact moment the plane hit the ground.

### Surviving His House Burning Down

One day while Dylan was inside his house, a fire was somehow lit, and set his house ablaze. While his Mom, his Dad, and his Uncle, all stopped, dropped, and rolled, and as Dylan said while being interviewed by Darrell, things didn't work out too well for them, implying that they died. After that happens, Dylan rushed into the bathroom, filled the bathtub up with water, and then hopped in. After that, the house just burned down all around him, as Dylan stated.

### Going To Court (Again)

In this video, Dylan is seen in court again, with the same Judge, who proclaims that Dylan has fifty-one counts of murder, theft that exceeds one hundred million dollars, and tax evasion. Dylan pleads by explaining the murder. Dylan was on a plane on it's way to Jamaica in search of his Dad, since he apparently has already looked everywhere else and couldn't seem to find him, when he got hot. Dylan then proceeded to roll down a window, which lead to the plane that he was on *crashing*, killing everyone but himself in the process. The Judge says he'll waive that because everyone makes mistakes, but

   Dylan still had yet to explain what he stole. Dylan replies by saying that it *may* or *may not have* been the Mona Lisa, because his class from school was taking a tour in a museum, when Dylan's Teacher says that everyone can go get something from the gift shop, but since she didn't specify, Dylan grabbed the Mona Lisa, and walked out with it, and no one even tried to stop him. The Judge agrees on how that wasn't even Dylan's fault entirely, blaming the museum security more than Dylan, which leaves only the tax evasion. Dylan responds by saying that he's nine years-old and doesn't need to pay taxes, to which the Judge declares Dylan innocent and free to go.

### Surviving a Tsunami

Dylan gets on the news for the third time when a tsunami hits their great town of *ShittersVille*. When asked on how he survived, he says that whenever you get put into a situation that's life or death, you just gotta evaluate your options. When the tsunami first hit, Dylan's first thought was get a life jacket, but they didn't have any at his house. His *second* thought was to swim, but because Dylan is black, he can't swim. So instead, Dylan just drank all of the tsunami's water, while peeing took a while, he's still alive.

### Surviving a Nuclear Bomb

The fourth time Dylan survived one of these hazards is when a nuclear bomb was launched by North Korea. Dylan explains how he survived in an interview with Craig, where he explains that you just have to think outside the box, as they say, but when the sirens went off, Dylan was actually running from his Uncle, who was trying to play *"The Touching Game"* with him, but when he heard the sirens blaring, he just ran into the living room, and when the bomb hit, he survived while everyone else died. Except for Craig, who is inexplicably alive.

### Surviving a Car Crash

Dylan's Mom wanted alcohol, but didn't want to get it herself. Her solution? Giving her nine year-old son, Dylan, her car keys and telling *him* to go get it. When Dylan finally got to the store after some trial and error, the guy running the cash register told him he couldn't have the alcohol because he was too young, so after hearing that, Dylan pulled out his *gun*, and the man behind the register immediately reconsidered after that and gave him the alcohol for *free*. On his way home, Dylan pondered that, *my mom likes this juice so much, why not try it*, so he drank a little and thought it tasted *bad*, but eventually he started getting a little *loopy* and a bit too confident, so he ran a red light and hit a single mother and her four kids and killed them, but in the words of Dylan, "What are they gonna do? Sue me? They're dead!"

### Going to a Surprise Party

Dylan went to go see a movie with his mother's boyfriend, *Tyrese*, but as it turned out, the movie theater they went to was in the Middle East. So Dylan went and got inside of the car and put something on the radio. A chill song starts to mellow Dylan out so he falls asleep. Some time later, he gets *slapped* by Tyrese who tells him *they're here,* and they gotta go. When Dylan opens his eyes, they're in *Afghanistan*, and there are bullets flying all around the cars, and it's *basically* a *warzone*, so they *sprint* into the theater while dodging Machine Gun ammunition, but the movie was actually pretty good, outside from the *bombs* that were *exploding* outside of the theater. When the movie was done they had to take a plane home, thereby ditching Dylan's Mom's car. Dylan also questions how they even drove there, declaring that they most have drove across the ocean, apparently, before saying to his Mom, that that is what she gets for trying to set up bonding time between him and 'that man'.

### Surviving the End of The Universe

One day, at 6:37PM, the universe just ceased to exist. Everyone was there one minute and then gone the next, until they were back again, all thanks to Dylan Zitkus. He was the only survivor and ended up bringing everyone back to life. So, Dylan was just chilling doing nothing, or atleast he *was* doing nothing until everything just disappeared around him and became a black void. Dylan then *"shouted out who did that?"* and, *"show yourself!"* Then,

   *JESUS* appears outta nowhere and asks Dylan who he is and how did he even survive that? Dylan then shakes his hand and introduces himself and tells him that he's just *that guy* and won't let the universe ending stop him. Jesus says he respects his confidence before Dylan asks Jesus if he can bring everyone back, since he's kinda bored, and Jesus just says *"Sure,"* and that was that.

### Accidentally Shooting His Stepdad

One day while Dylan was at home, he saw a supposed intruder sitting on his couch and watching the tv. When confronting him, the man said *you must be Dylan* and then put his hand out. Dylan, however, misunderstood the gesture, and instead pulled out a *gun* and *shot* the man after assuming that he was a stalker and was trying to kidnap him. This unfortunately was *not* the case, but rather the man was someone named Jaquavion, who, at the time, was dating Dylan's Mom.

### Stopping World War 3

One day, Dylan was at school in his fourth period when someone on the announcements called him to the office. Dylan thought it was because he punched Mr. Dick'N'Ballz in the face earlier that day after he tried to assign Dylan homework over Thanksgiving Break. When Dylan got to the office though, he found

    Joe Biden and the General of the United States Army, who asked Dylan to help them get Vladimir Putin to not launch a missile on them, so they arrange a meeting between the both of them. When Dylan got their, he introduced himself and shoot Vlad's hand right before saying *"Person Who Can't Launch Missiles Say "What?""* very quickly, and Vladimir Putin ended up falling for it and saying what and now he can't launch missiles.

### Surviving a Vampire Attack

One day in the great town on ShittersVille, Dylan was playing basketball with his friends and shot a triple-double, until *Vampires* came outta nowhere and started attacking Dylan's friends. While the vampires weren't after *Dylan,* *DRACULA* appears and starts

    running towards Dylan, causing him to say, *"Hey, I know you guys like blood, but I got ICE in my veins, I'm just built different"* before he drains a three in his face. Dracula gets confused and responds with, *"No you don't, humans have blood"*, which Dylan then replies back by denying Dracula's statement. Dylan then backs up to the half court, looks Dracula in his eyes, and makes the half court. And after that, the vampires just left him alone.

### Taking Out a Loan

Dylan was learning about loans in school one day, so after school had finished, Dylan went to the bank and took out a loan for $200,000,000,000, but since they said he was too young, he did it in his mother's name, and then he bought a Rolex. Once Dylan's Mom hears about this, she then claims that she's *"leaving the country"* and *"it was nice knowing you"*.

## Trivia

* Dylan had been to Kindergarten three times in his life.
* In The time I got held back in kindergarten, Dylan's grade was 37%, unlike last year, which was a 12% (Dylan said).