Ushiel 13, 1623

Newspaper

Ushiel 18, 1623

 Ushiel 13, 1623
News

 Roar of the Dragon!
The Metallic Tribunes

 Anathema, A God Among Snakes

 Host:

 We have Anathema here with us today, he is the god of the Yuan-ti that live here in Lumwell Woods. Mr. Anathema, if you don't mind me asking, what was your plan when you first came out to greet the king's squad?

 Anathema:

 My original intenssssssionssssss were to *eat* them. However, I quickly ssssssaw that they were more of a nuissssssancccccce than anything elsssssse; sssssso, I wanted them gone. I didn't care how, jusssssst gone. There are sssssso many creaturessssss that are much eassssssier mealssssss here in Lumwell. We did not need to go after the tougher onessssss that deccccccided to fight back.

 Host:

 They did seem very interested in that orange glowing orb though and they just weren't going to leave without it. Where did you obtain this orb that they were willing to risk their lives to obtain?

 Anathema:

 My tribe of followerssssss live a nomadic lifesssssstyle here in Lumwell, and in our travelssssss, we found it lying on the ground in a ssssssmall crater. We could *feel* the magic radiating off of it, sssssso, we kept it.

 Host:

 How long has it been since you first found the orb?

 Anathema:

 We have had thissssss artifact for sssssseveral yearssssss. If I recall correctly, it hassssss been fifteen to twenty yearssssss ssssssince we firsssssst obtained the orb.

 Host:

 While negotiating with the group, you asked them to trade something for the orb. What were you hoping to get out of that negotiation?

 Anathema:

 I don't really know. I wassssss hoping that they could ssssssurprisssssse me with ssssssomething of interesssssst, but it quickly became apparent that they didn't have anything of value. I alsssssso knew that if thissssss group of ssssssoldierssssss wassssss interessssssted in the orb, it wouldn't be long before more came. The orb wassssssn't doing anything for ussssss, sssssso, the besssssst choicccccce wassssss to get rid of it.

 Host:

 Well, that's all the time we have today, so thank you for taking some time to meet with me!

 Anathema:

 Any time!

 Host:

 Really?

 Anathema:

 No.

 The Runaway!

 After successfully acquiring the mysterious artifact from Anathema, the group decided to rest up for their long journey through the Lumwell Woods. What could possibly go wrong on their trek back to civilization? Quite a lot actually...

 Right out of the gate, young Natara decided that it would be better for everyone if she set off on her own. It seems as though there are several trust issues going on in that one's head. Trust issues aside, she knew the dangers of the forest, she saw several of them first hand, not to mention that we are currently in a continent-wide war of good vs evil. It seems only fitting that there was an attack on the forest during this time of separation.

 Did she get captured? Did she get killed? Will the group find her? We'll have to wait and see...

 Two Unexpected 'Friends'?

 While en route looking for Natara, the group happened upon not one, but two interesting acquaintances.

 The first friend that showed up belonged to Kozos, our resident fish man. After Kozos' *imaginary* friend showed up, everyone thought he was crazy. Nobody else could see this pink, horned creature that somehow tracked Kozos down from a different dimension. *The delusional dimension if you ask me.* After trying to convince his companions of this mysteriously invisible companion, Kozos WAS successful at convincing Nox of this made up entity's existence. It is still unknown if Ziore was ever convinced or not.

 Let it also be known, that even though Kozos may have made up this friend of his, he doesn't actually have control over it. It declared that Kozos shall henceforth and forever be known as Fishy.

 Later, as the trio arrived back in Trulas, friend number 2 makes his appearance. The word friend is used very loosely in this context. In reality, both parties share a friend, a friend who coincidentally had just gotten herself captured by the enemy. You guessed it, we are talking about Natara. Thortle, the barbarian Tortle along with Mjortle, his trusty warhammer, brought the dire news of Natara's capture to the group, seeking their aid in rescuing her. Being a pirate, there are several people who do not agree with his ways, one in particular recently acquired his dislike of Thortle after a large hole, the size of a warhammer was blasted through is wall. We don't want to name any names, *cough Mayor Sarnan*, so we will leave it at that.

Thortle was unable to convince the group that Natara's protection was more important than material possessions, so the group decided to take a short shopping spree led by Fishy before setting out.

 Pit People?

 Traveling in the total cover of darkness, our band of protagonists hunt down the dragons that have captured Natara. Poor poor innocent, naive Natara, what unspeakable acts did these monstrosities force you to perform while they kept you enslaved and tied up?! And to think that this group of four misfits are coming to rescue you. May the odds be ever in your favor.

 Boss (enters): "you aren't allowed to say that. It is copywritten."

 Me: "But it is from a different realm of existence, does copywrite traverse all time and space?"

 Boss: "I guess I'll allow it. Carry on."

 Fishy, Nox and Ziore arrive in the clearing by cover of night. They *KNOW* Nox can't actually see in the dark, so they decided to make it even harder for him, let's cast the spell darkness. And better yet, let's cast it *TWICE*. Yeah, that feels a lot better. But wait, don't dragons have blindsight and are thus completely unaffected by the spell darkness? Looks like the team only made it harder on themselves. What else could possibly go wrong? How about we throw the blind fighter of the team into the same pit that Natara is being kept in, let's shove Fishy in there too, and then... Set the pit on ***FIRE***. Wait... I'm missing something... Isn't fishy resistant to fire damage? Again, sorry Natara, you will be missed.

 While Thortle heroically took on the head honcho of the dragon squad single handedly, the others *somehow* managed to take out the littler guys and rescue Natara. But wait, there's more! As the red dragon leader started coming back, presumably after maiming and killing Thortle, or at least knocking him unconscious, the party decided to bail out and leave Thortle to fend for himself, to be tortured to death if he wasn't already dead by then. What a great lot of friends...

 Trulas? Again?

 After rescuing Natara, Pit People made an interesting decision. Instead of returning to Sikalon to report on their success, they decided to return to Trulas again. It's not like they've already been there twice, or that the city was almost under attack by chromatic dragons, not to mention that they aided and abetted a rogue tortle who left Mayor Sarnan's office wall in shambles. All that in mind, they decided to return to Trulas.

 The return trip did yield some interesting results though.

 1. Was Fishy lied to? We all know that Tatash is a very skilled wielder of magic, so why did he have no spell scrolls for sale in his shop in Trulas? Minor magical scrolls can be obtained all across the continent in Tatash's shop, *but not in Trulas...* Did he have a deal worked out with the owner of The Seeking Tree (Trulas' local arcana shop), or does he just not like Fishy? Questions, questions, questions... And no answers here.

 2. There was a family reunion, if you really want to call it that. As it turns out, Nox's father may not be as dead as Nox originally thought. There was no time to chat though as the man possibly known as Engernor aka The Demon Novitiate aka Nox's long (undead?) daddy is kidnapping random hordes of people from the middle of major cities.

 In response to this mysterious event, the Umarath Detective Agency was born! It's CEO, President and sole employee was on the case! Unfortunately, the trail ran cold shortly after the case was opened.

 3. You all remember Iris the fortune teller from the first time Pit People visited Trulas? Well, it would appear that Fishy didn't have enough trauma from her before; he decided to go pay her another visit on their way out of town. What could possibly go wrong? Queue trauma round two! As it turns out, Fishy and Nox have more in common than they originally thought. This next bit has in fact been confirmed as being 100% true. Young readers may wish to skip ahead at this point...

 Ok, now that they are gone. Kozos has had a previous sexual relationship with Nox's Sister. And it only took them two weeks to figure that out. How was this not discovered earlier? But wait, there's more! It would certainly appear that Nox's sister has been "getting around". From the scrying eye of Iris, we were able to tell that Nox's sister has been doing "group stuff" with several other people, one of which is Ziore's brother. So we have one confirmed case of "bedroom adventures" and potentially 5 other cases. With odds like that, maybe I'll go see if I can bang Nox's sister too.

 Duel of Fists!

 Host:

 We are here live from the Jagged Crag Inn. We have Kari Graybelt, a local patron of the Jagged Crag Inn, with us today to talk about the event that just transpired. As you all know, Traetorian is predominantly populated by dwarves, but that doesn't mean that they don't get the occasional visitor that doesn't fit into that classification. Kari, would you mind telling us what just went down in here just a few minutes ago?

 Kari:

 Of course Altalas! Let me start off by saying how nice it is to meet you, I read all of your articles in Roar of the Dragon.

 Host:

 I appreciate that, but let's get back to the story if you don't mind.

 Kari:

 Oh, right. Well about an hour or so ago, two tall folk came in here to have a good time like the rest of us here. After getting themselves some drinks, one of them came to join in on our game of gem jam. He played a pretty good game. I have half a wit to think that he was cheatin'. He says it was beginners luck, but I don't know if I believe him all the way. But that's when it happened. Urdur Earthdelver had the punch card, and let me tell you, Urdur likes to save the card when he gets it. He is very picky about who he uses his card on, so that says a lot about the way he expected the duel to go down. So he walks over to this new fellow and taps him on the shoulder, then punches him square in the face. It was a nice punch if I do say so myself. This makes the tall guy squawk a bit and his buddy jumps up a bit to defend him, but then Urdur hands him the card and steps back a few steps to see if the tall one is going to accept his challenge. The tall guy obviously didn't know what was going on, so he looks around and I had to whisper to him, "This is the part where you either accept his challenge and punch him back or walk away.".

 Host:

 Well, what happened next?

 Kari:

 He punched him of course! The crowd started to gather, the tavern keep set out to take some bets. I won me 7 gp on the fight from placin' a good bet. Anyways, the duel starts and goes back and forth 7 or 8 rounds, and that's when Urdur falls down unconscious. Fishy was declared the winner. The crowd went wild, "Fishy! Fishy! Fishy!". He made 50 gp off that fight, pretty good loot, it usually doesn't get that high, but then again, we don't get many tall folk to bet on in these parts.

 Several People in the Tavern:

 FISHY!!!

 Host:

 What's going on over there?

 Kari:

 It looks like fishy is back, and he brought a friend. Oh, they're setting up another battle, I've got to go place my bet. Hang on, I'll be right back.

 Host:

 This just in, it looks like Natara has come back to the Jagged Crag Inn with Kozos and is now turning into a lobster to have a lobster cage match. Now THAT is one angry lobster.

 Kari:

 Damn lobster 3 lost me 2 gp.

 Host:

 Well, I think that's about all the time we've got...

 Someone Outside:

 WOOOOOOOO LOBSTER!

 Host:

 It looks like someone was excited about the lobster match. Anyways, that's all the time we have for now. Thanks for taking a few minutes to chat with me Kari. It's been a pleasure.

 Kari:

 No, no, no Altalas, the pleasure is all mine!

 This Week on "Don't Forget to Leave a Note!"

 New Note Quotes

 After Kozos went on his shopping spree in Trulas, he returned to Ye Old Barracuda to find Natara, Nox and Ziore sitting at a table eating breakfast:

  Ziore: Welcome back Kozos, where have you been?

  Kozos: Out doing some shopping.

  Ziore: Did you leave a note that you were going to be out?

  Natara: HE DIDN'T LEAVE A NOTE!

 After seeing his "father" disappear behind a wall of fire:

  Natara: How are you doing Nox?

  Nox: I'm going to jump off a cliff.

  Kozos: You'll have to leave a note first.

 Pre-existing Note Quotes

 None... Yet. But there will be.

 Written by Altalas Orrina