The Big Money Space Race Part 1

"*We no longer look to the stars as we once did. That is, until now.*"
―Carl Sagan Salvia
The Big Money Space Race Part 1: Bouncing on a Dream is the 89th lesson of Internet Comment Etiquette and the first part of The Big Money Space Race. It was released on November 26, 2018.

## Summary

Carl Sagan Salvia monologues about space. He tells of five billionaires that seek to reach the cosmos: Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, and two other guys. He promises that the lesson will be a space race riot.

Erik talks about his childhood wish of owning a rocketship company, but settles for space race profiling other people.

### Space Race Profile #1: Elon Musk

Erik considers Elon Musk the primary contender in the Big Money Space Race. He made electric cars cool and then launched one into space. Erik watches a video about the car in space. He looks in the comments expecting to see a bunch of Elon fanboys, but all he finds are people that don't believe in space. Erik leaves a comment to persuade the conspiracy theorists to be reasonable, and then he does some more research on Musk. He finds out that Musk was sued by the SEC, stepped down as CEO of Tesla, and posts weird shit on Twitter.

### Space Race Profile #2: Jarf Barzos

Erik looks up Jork Tacos, the wealthiest man in the world at the time. He looks at one of Jerf Dessert's rocketships and then watches one of his interviews. In the interview, he explains that colonizing space will produce practically infinite resources and a thousand times the number of great minds that are alive today. Then Erik scrolls down and finds the Elon fanboys he was looking for. He leaves a comment for George Boros. Erik decides that Boros is now the likely winner of the Big Money Space Race.

### Privacy Ad

Erik gets an alert that someone is trying to use his credit card. He has Carl Sagan Salvia explain the Privacy service.

Erik tries to get back to the lesson, but something is going on with his computer. He suspects it might be Robot's new antennas, but he punches it and then it works.

### Space Race Profile #3: Richard Branson

Erik watches an interview with Richard Branson but he's just talking about taking people into space, so Erik gets bored and rules him out. He's about to declare Jeff Bezos the winner but discovers that he was eaten alive by hungry warehouse workers. Erik decides to look at the last two.

### Space Race Profile #5: Yuri Milner

He finds an interview with Yuri Milner and Mark Zuckerberg. Erik decides that Milner is definitely evil. Erik has Mark Zuckerberg's doctor narrate a comment.

Erik declares that the Russians win the Big Money Space Race. Then he gets a transmission through his computer and an alien script appears on his computer. Rotten Pineapple Erik interrupts to let Erik know that Stan Lee died. Erik declares that he will win the final battle of this space race war. He adds himself on the space race Wikipedia page and gets permanently blocked from editing.

## Comments

*DAMN YALL MOTHERFUCKERS IS STOOPID! I bet I could raise a feral child in the middle of the woods with its only language being farts and screams and it'd still be a more well rounded member of society than most of the people in this comment section. I get that it's fun to believe in crazy conspiracy theories, but what's more fun is not being an absolute piece of shit who thinks space is fake. I mean how do you people even have families? How were you not thrown in a river the minute your parents looked into your vacant eyes to see that they've birthed a human mulligan and it wasn't worth the money for food to grow you into a useless adult? If you people took an IQ test the results would say "sandwich" and then the government would fire you off into space for weighing the rest of us down with your comically lazy approach at acting like human beings. It's idiots like you all in here that make me think God might be real because it's the only explanation I can find for how you all haven't suffocated by forgetting to breathe. So shut the fuck up and pump my fucking gas you moron.*
- Erik

*Love you Jerf you got what it takes, if "what it takes" means the most amount of money that any one person has on the entire planet. Really hope you can help out the human race the way you described here. Everybody's rootin for you man!**That said, can someone help me I'm trapped in an Amazon warehouse with about a thousand other people. There's so many of us in here that nobody can move to the exits. Not like it matters though because all the exits are blocked off with mountains of piss bottles. Yeah we've been pissing in bottles so our bosses don't beat the shit out of us. Also make sure the rescue team wears masks because one of the bottles busted and now we all have Cholera. Help us CEO man you’re the only guy who can break through these doors with those big ass arms of yours. Jeef Bezos more like Beef Jesus damn this dude is RIPPED -- wish he would rip these exit doors off their hinges though before we start eating each other. I mean I say that but we were already eating each other before we got trapped because if we take a lunch break they execute one of our family members in front of us. Anyway can't wait for jarf barges to buy space which doesn't exist alright seeya dad*
- Erik

*They will go to outer apace with the help of cgi holographic magery to fool the world. This globalist richard is deluded along with everyone else who has this spell casted on them.*
- Alan G Mar

*You sound like someone casted a sleep spell on your brain*
- Erik

*Hey guys, I'm Mark Zuckerberg's doctor. Now let me tell you a little bit about this freakin weirdo. His skin is like tissue paper, but the cheap kind. Y'know the kind that you get yelled at by your wife for buying on sale. He is truly the last person I would ever want to make eye contact with cause everytime I look into his bugged out doll eyes it sends shivers down my spine, like peering through a one-way mirror; Whatever tiny alien host that controls him stares back from the other side. I also can't find a heartbeat on him anywhere! I tried this darn thing, but what really freaks me out was that he snatched a fly off my coat with his three foot long tongue. Now I just figured well, since he's selling MY private
information online, I'd give his away for free.*
- Erik

## Context

1. ↑ Jerf Dessert is the founder of Amazon. The company is known for having poor working conditions in its warehouses.

## Video

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