The Ums, the Ifs, and the Whats (S3E19)

The Ums, the Ifs, and the Whats is the nineteenth episode of the third season of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It aired on September 7, 2021.

## Synopsis

It’s Monday. Alex and Rosie are in the hospital wing. Rosie checks on Alex, who is feeling sad because he hurt Masie. Rosie tries to comfort Alex. Alex thinks he took a Forgetfulness Potion on purpose so that he wouldn’t remember hurting Masie. Rosie offers to help Alex by asking Masie about how she feels so Alex can know. Rosie suggests that Alex write a letter to Masie instead of speaking so that he can make sure he could say what he means to say. Rosie turns over and lets Alex write his letter to Masie. Madam Pomfrey checks on Alex. She offers to help him to remember, and he decides to remember. She asks him to remember every detail of his last memory, right before the gap in his memory. Then she has him do it with another moment in order to train his brain to remember. Then she tells him to clear his mind and then to imagine his friends. Alex imagines them all in the Great Hall. Alex says he remembers one of them getting upset because he said something wrong. Madam Pomfrey assures him that it’s probably not as bad as he feels. She reassures him that his friends are always there to support him, although they may briefly get mad or upset. Alex remembers more. He doesn’t want to talk about it right then, and Madam Pomfrey doesn’t force him, but says that she’s available to talk if needed. She gives Alex cookies that Rosie prepared. Madam Pomfrey tells Rosie that she likes the white chocolate cookies. Madam Pomfrey leaves. Alex asks Rosie if he messed up with Masie. Rosie says probably not. Alex decides to ask Masie and just listen to what she says. Alex decides to write notes down before he speaks with Masie. Rosie gives Alex a chocolate chip cookie. Meanwhile, Olive, after dropping off Alex at the hospital wing, rejoins Clem and Masie to go to Transfiguration class. Olive tells them that Alex is in the hospital wing because he ingested a Forgetfulness Potion. Olive tells them the whole story of how she got Alex to the hospital wing. Masie is really impressed that Olive tricked Alex (in a good way). Clem proposes coming up with secret phrases. For example, “that’s metal” would be Clem’s secret phrase. Masie’s secret phrase would be “Fiona sucks” because only Masie would react poorly to that. Olive’s secret phrase would be “Thimble”. Lily calls them into the Transfiguration classroom before they’re too late. After Transfiguration is Potions. On the way to Defense against the Dark Arts and dueling class, Masie gets quieter and is visibly shaking. Olive is also nervous and not really able to notice how everyone else is doing. Clem is also nervous but notices that Masie is feeling run down, emotionally and physically empty, under a lot of pressure, similar to how she is during big Quidditch matches (except quieter in this case). Clem asks Olive and Masie what they’re doing tonight after class. Olive says homework. Masie says she hadn’t thought past the class. Clem proposes drinking hot chocolate in the common room and reading to them the book she’s been writing. They say yes. They arrive at the dueling platform. Olive asks Masie and Clem if Rosie missed dueling. Olive asks William Cobweb if he heard about any Hufflepuff pacifist who refused to duel, and he says no, which Olive assumes means that Rosie must have missed the class. Olive reaches over and holds Masie’s hand. Masie quietly cries and squeezes her hand back. Professor Azolea Bovin walks in rather confidently, and immediately, everyone starts to quiet down. The dueling platform is a few feet off the ground. It’s a long platform with the Hogwarts houses inscribed in the wood. It is very sturdy looking, with large posts underneath and some steps leading up on either side. In the center is a circle, and on either side are two smaller circles. Professor Bovin stands on the platform with the students in a semi-circle around. The professor assures them that there are safety protocols, especially for them as younger students (under Year 4). The professor says that they will focus on defensive spells, but still with a dueling stance and with an opponent. The professor tells them to find a partner and that they will start with the Shield Charm that Professor Flitwick has been teaching them. Professor Bovin causes objects to float all around the classroom. The objects look like a smooth ball about the size of a baseball. Slowly, these objects are distributed to every student. It weighs about a pound. It feels like a water balloon. The goal is to cast a Shield Charm to avoid getting hit by the “water balloon”. If unsuccessful, they will be soaked and have to be dried off with a drying spell. Clem asks Lily to be her partner and tells Masie that she and Olive should be partners. Lily says, “At least Rosie missed it.” The rest agree that it’s good Rosie missed this class. Malcolm O’Leary and Bartholomew Witters step up onto the platform. Professor Bovin demonstrates the Shield Charm (incantation protego), an iridescent semi-circle of energy. Malcolm throws the ball, Bartholomew casts Protego successfully, causing water to splash off the shield charm. Professor Bovin cleans it up with a drying spell. Eventually, it’s Masie and Olive’s turn. Clem nudges Masie, who walks forward. Olive reassures Masie that it’ll be okay. Professor Bovin asks Masie if she’s practiced the Shield Charm. Masie says yes, but the professor can tell that she’s lying. Olive throws the ball, and Masie casts Protego successfully. Masie is taken aback at how powerful the spell is, and thinks it’s funny how she can see Olive through the shield, although it’s fuzzy. Masie has a moment of pure joy and surprise. Olive looks like she’s in the splash zone at Sea World. Clem screamed and cheered after seeing that Masie cast the spell successfully. Lily also cheered for Masie. Masie runs over and hugs Olive. Professor Bovin casts the Drought Charm on Olive. Masie waits for the professor to do the same to her, but she doesn’t. Masie throws the ball, and Olive casts Protego successfully. Clem cheers very loudly. Masie and Olive hug again. Clem gives Masie and Olive low-fives as she and Lily go up for their turn. Lily throws the ball, but Clem fails to cast Protego successfully because she had a little bit of hubris, having gotten so caught up in the moment, that she wasn’t paying attention to her wand movement and such. Clem’s Shield Charm is very fragile, and she is hit full on with the water. Lily apologizes. Professor Bovin says that she won’t be casting the Drought Charm on Clem. Olive protests (despite Clem’s dissuasion), and Professor Bovin deducts 10 points from Gryffindor. Olive continues to talk back and Professor Bovin casts a spell that keeps Olive’s mouth closed. Masie protests, and Professor Bovin casts the same spell and deducts 10 more points from Gryffindor. Masie stomps her feet in rhythm. Professor Bovin explains that the rest of her sentence about not casting the Drought Charm on Clem was “for a moment.” The professor says if they continue to misbehave, she will send them to the Headmistress’s office. She then casts the Drought Charm on Clem. Lily tells the professor that she thinks it was mean. The professor says she will take a note of it. Clem throws the ball, but not with a lot of gumption, and Lily fails to cast Protego successfully. The professor comments that Lily needs to practice more as well. Clem gives the professor a dirty look. The professor waits a moment before casting the Drought Charm on Lily. Then she casts a spell to lift the spell she had put on Masie and Olive. Clem grabs Lily by the hand and walks off the platform with her. Clem tells Masie and Olive that they didn’t have to do that. Olive insists that the professor shouldn’t have treated her in a mean way. Masie is grumpy and staring for the rest of class. Olive is similar, and occasionally looks angrily at Clem because she feels like Clem did a really good job and was really trying. Defense against the Dark Arts class wraps up. Clem suggests visiting Alex and Rosie in the hospital wing. Clem tries to tell them again that they didn’t have to defend her because she doesn’t want them to get into trouble. Olive says she’ll be talking with the Headmistress about the spell that Professor Bovin cast on her and Masie. Masie and Clem tell Olive that she could be a good teacher. Olive says she might be a good homeschool teacher, but not in a classroom because that would be too boring. Masie concludes that Olive would be SWOFF’s personal tutor. Olive says she could teach future generations of SWOFF. Clem says she doesn’t want to have kids. Olive says maybe Alex and Masie’s kids. Masie asks if Olive meant children or if she meant recruiting more members of SWOFF, like first years. Clem asks if that means they need to have kids with SWOFF in order for them to be SWOFF kids. Masie says that would be pureblood SWOFF, but that you could still be a child of SWOFF without being a pureblood SWOFF. Olive says that the easiest solution is that she doesn’t become a teacher one day. Olive says she’ll just have one student: Masie’s kid. Masie assumes that Olive is assuming that Masie and Alex will have children, and thinks that Olive is getting ahead of things. Olive reminds her that she said “your kid”, not “Alex and Masie’s kid”. Olive then teases Masie lightly. They all decide to go to the hospital wing to visit Alex and Rosie. Masie wishes that Alex forgot her getting sick, and Olive tries to tell her that he forgot, but Masie knows she’s lying. Olive tells her that he thought it was breakfast, and that there’s only one way to find out what he remembers. Masie says that if she could cast Protego, she can do anything, but then remembers that Clem failed and apologizes. To tease Masie, Clem pretends to be hurt, and Lily too, since she also failed to cast Protego. Everyone insists that Olive never fails to cast a spell successfully, which Olive denies. They talk about following Olive 24/7 in order to prove that she never fails spells. Olive tells them that she has a whole secret life at night when they all go to sleep. This makes Masie question just how many animals Olive smuggled into the castle. Olive hastily changes the subject back to their friends in the hospital wing and starts walking off towards it. Masie worries about Rosie, and realizes she misses Rosie and all the snacks she provides. They decide to get cookies and potatoes from Lottie for Rosie. Olive worries about losing track of time and missing their training session with Harry. They pick up some food and arrive at the hospital wing. Alex freezes while Rosie greets them. Alex starts making his bed, putting his back to them. Masie gives Rosie a cookie. Olive says hi to Alex, who continues making his bed. Rosie says that Alex is tired. Rosie asks Masie for a big hug. Masie gives her a big hug, during which Rosie quietly whispers in Masie’s ear “I think you should go talk to Alex”. Masie asks Rosie if he’s okay, and Rosie says no. Masie walks over to Alex and puts a cookie on the bit of the bed that he smoothed down. Alex apologizes for hurting her feelings. Masie says he didn’t hurt her feelings. Alex explains why he said that they should have Barney and Rosie join their date. He explains that it was just an excuse to help Barney, who wanted to go on a date with Rosie. He says that Masie’s not boring and that Rosie is fun, but he’s excited just to see Masie. He says that just being around her makes him feel better. Masie says that’s the nicest thing that anyone’s said about her. Alex says he’s hungry, but he can wait until he finishes apologizing properly. Masie doesn’t know what to say. Alex asks how she’s feeling. Masie says relieved, and explains that she knows Alex wouldn’t want to date Rosie but that’s what it felt like. Alex says no. Masie says she doesn’t think she’s fun. Alex says Masie’s fun, and that that was just an excuse to get Barney and Rosie together, and that they probably would’ve just left Rosie and Barney together to get something Rosie wouldn’t have, like soap, and then have a secret date somewhere on their own. Masie suggests still trying to help Barney and Rosie go on a date and try to help them like Rosie helped them, but safer - no exploding wands. Alex says that he owes her a proper date with just them. He asks her on a date. Masie says yes. Alex asks when she’s free. Masie says she doesn’t know, but that she really wants to go on the date. Alex offers a hug. Masie says yes. They hug. Masie asks how he’s feeling. He says much better and jokes that maybe it’s because Rosie’s around. Masie takes a step back. Alex says it was a joke and asks if it was a bad joke. Masie says yes. Alex says he’s feeling better because he got a hug and Masie’s around. Alex apologizes and says, “Let me make it up to you” and gives Masie a peck on the cheek. He then yells, “SAUSAGES!” and runs out toward the Great Hall. Masie is shocked. She looks around the room to see if anyone noticed. Clem, Olive, and Rosie caught part of the conversation but missed the peck on the cheek. Masie is standing frozen still with a look of complete disbelief, looking like she’s about to scream, burst into tears, and cry of happiness. Clem, Rosie, and Olive check on Masie. Masie is speechless for a moment but then tells them Alex kissed her. Rosie, Clem, and Olive are shocked. Masie asks what she should do. They tell her to follow him and have dinner with him. Masie runs out after Alex. Clem, Rosie, and Olive talk about what they should do. Rosie asks if they should grab food and let them have the table to themselves. Olive suggests grabbing food and bringing it to the Room of Requirement, where they’ll have their training session, and having a picnic. They have a brief discussion about whether you can fart and kiss at the same time, and if Alex did so or not. Rosie claims that she hasn’t had her first kiss yet. Lily asks her about it, and Rosie doesn’t think her kiss with Scorpius counted because they were cursed. The four of them decide to go. Meanwhile, Alex is rushing quickly to the Great Hall. Masie is chasing after him, babbling to herself. She’s shaking with adrenaline and is a bit dizzy. She falls over multiple times as she chases Alex. Alex hears Masie babbling. He skids to a halt, turns around, pulls out his wand, and approaches Masie, who is sprawled on the floor, having stubbed her toe on a suit of armor. Alex asks if she’s okay. Masie pulls out her wand. Alex says he heard strange noises. Masie says she was just trying to find him. They both lower their wands. Alex asks if she wants to go to the Great Hall with him. Masie says yes. Alex helps her up and keeps holding her hand as they walk to the Great Hall. Alex asks if it was okay. Masie asks which part. Alex says what she did yesterday, he wanted to make it even. Masie wasn’t sure he’d remember that. Alex says he remembers. They wonder if they have to take turns, but then decide that they could just do whatever feels right in the moment. Alex asks if Masie’s feeling okay. Masie says it’s been a strange day. Masie tells him that she cast Protego successfully. Alex is happy for her and assures her that she’s “A-Masie.” Alex tells Masie, “I like you lots.” They arrive at the Great Hall. Alex checks the table just to be safe. Alex finds an unexpected trap. As Alex is inspecting the table, Gail Greytwig approaches, looking a little bit off, like she hasn’t slept. There are bags under her eyes. She’s kind of mumbling a bit to herself as she’s making her way over to their table. Alex tells Masie what he notices. He tells Masie to get her wand out. Alex offers to talk to Gail. Masie remembers seeing some patients at St. Mungo’s who looked like what Gail looks like now, and she recognizes that it’s a dangerous situation. She remembers that there were patients at St. Mungo’s who had gone mad before, and Gail looks like them.

## Cast

### Main Cast

* Wacksteven - Headmaster of Doom
* Helloitskolo - Masie Skyler
* LuxieGames - Rosalina Earthcloud
* Mirggles - Clementine Goosanders
* Negaoryx - Olive Everglade
* Zcotticus - Alexander Pippin

## Characters

* Alexander Pippin
* Rosalina Earthcloud
* Madam Pomfrey
* Olive Everglade
* Clementine Goosanders
* Masie Skyler
* Thimble (mentioned)
* Lily Luna Potter
* William Cobweb
* Professor Azolea Bovin
* Professor Flitwick (mentioned)
* Malcolm O’Leary
* Bartholomew Witters
* Headmistress McGonagall (mentioned)
* Barney Dogwood (mentioned)
* Gail Greytwig

## Trait Changes

* Masie: None
* Rosalina: None
* Clementine: None
* Olive: None
* Alexander: None

## Relationships

* Alexander: +1 Masie
* Masie: +1 Alex
* Rosalina: +1 Alex
* Olive: +1 Clem
* Clementine: +1 Masie

## House Points

### Players

* Masie: +5 points, rolled 9
* Rosie: +5 points, rolled 8
* Olive: +5 points, rolled 9
* Clem: +5 points, rolled 7
* Alex: +5 points, rolled 8
* Lilian: +10 points, rolled 13
* Cornelia: +5 points, rolled 7

### Total

* Gryffindor: 305
* Hufflepuff: 170
* Ravenclaw: 240
* Slytherin: 210

## Downtime Moves

* Masie: Job (2d6), 5 (Galleons)
* Rosie: Potions (Mind), 10 (success), Swelling Solution
* Clem: Spellcasting (Magic), 5 (fail)
* Olive: Social Activities (Heart), 11 (success)
* Alex: Potions (Mind), 15 (success), Vitamix Potion

## Quotes

* Rosie: “I wouldn’t punch your sad in the face. I would send your sad to therapy though.”
* Rosie (talking about a letter): “You could edit out the things you didn’t mean to put in there, you know, like the ums, the ifs, and the whats, and then give that to Masie.”
* Rosie: \*imitates Masie’s giggle\*
* Clem: “I only hit people who deserve it, so.” Masie: “You don’t deserve it, Lily. That’s what she meant.”
* Clem: “You ever just meet a really punchable face?”
* Clem: “Minus 100 punchability”
* Olive: “Oh yeah, no, I’m going to be talking to the Headmistress about that. We’re friends now.”
* Masie: “That would be like a pureblood SWOFF, but you don’t have to be a child of SWOFF to be a child of SWOFF. You could be like a thought child of SWOFF to be a child of SWOFF.”
* Clem: “Efficient and swift. Swifficient.” Masie and Lily simultaneously: “SWOFFicient”
* Rosie: “I think you should go talk to Alex.” Masie: “Is he okay?” Rosie: “No. Love you! Thank you so much for the cookie!”
* Alex to Masie: “How are your feelings? What are your feeling? What are you feeling?” Masie: “Uh, bedsheet. Um. How well you’ve made the bed.” Alex: “Your inside feelings. Are you happy or sad?” Masie: “I’m, I am relieved, I guess?”
* Alex: \*gives Masie a peck on the cheek\* “...SAUSAGES!” \*runs toward the Great Hall\*
* Luxie: “So what I did hear is I did hear Alex’s bad joke to Masie so I can rag on him later.” Wack: \*nods\* Luxie: “Okay good.”
* Rosie: “That’s the opposite of a fart, right? A kiss?”
* Rosie: “To clarify, he didn’t fart, right?” Clem: “No, he kissed her.” Olive: “Well, it could’ve been both.”
* Rosie: “You can’t fart and kiss at the same time? Why not?”
* Rosie: “I’d like to think that was a magically-induced kiss, almost like you would have a magically-induced coma sort of thing.” Clem: “Yeah, you don’t think of it as your first coma because it’s magically-induced.” Lily: “You think we’re going to have a lot of comas?” Rosie: “There’s a chance. Who can know? I hit my head all the time! You don’t?” Lily: “It’s a good thing we have Madam Pomfrey, I guess.”
* Masie: “Alex, you kissed me!” Alex: “You did it first!”
* Mirggles: “Mocksteven”
* Zcotticus: “I’m gonna give Masie a minus 1...just for not getting my joke. I’m kidding. It’s a plus 1.” Wack: “You wrecked everyone with that one.” Luxie: “After all I did for you!” Zcotticus: “I mean thanks, but you’re no Masie.” Luxie: “After what we had together, the special Russian spy connection, I’m hurt. HURT.” Wack: “Savagery. Absolute savagery.” Kolo: “My plus 1 goes to Alex too.” Negs: “Why? Why though? Just curious.” Wack: “It’s not a plus 1 to Zcotticus. It’s a plus 1 to Alex.” Mirggles: “Where’s the line with any of us anymore, is the question.” Wack: “Just a remember that these relationships are to the characters.” Mirggles: “What characters?” Zcotticus: “I have a separate document I keep for the cast plus and minus 1s.” Kolo: “I just have a separate one for Wacksteven and I just keep giving him as many minus 1s as I can, every week, every cliffhanger.” Mirggles: “I actually write a detailed YouTube comment, which I will then post at the end of the series, just on every video, just a review.” Wack: “Kolo has so many minus 1s for me that she’s actually drawn the cliff with them. A cliff of minus 1s.” Luxie: “That’s so creative, Kolo, wow.”
* Luxie: “Can you privately DM me what my misdemeanors are? I would love to know.” Zcotticus: “I don’t think the character limit’s long enough…”
* Wack: “It is a swell solution.”