Little Kitten

> *"I am demonstrating to you the TRUE POWER OF THE IMPERIUM, THROUGH THE USE OF SMALL FLUFFY ANIMALS!"*
>
>

"**Little Kitten**", also known as just **Kitten**, is the nickname of the Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes. His full true name has not been said on screen, as it is an extremely long string of names derived from his various accomplishments. That said, a part of his name is known, with Goldilocks Shunshine Garahm Corncob Thompson being a part of it. He is the deuteragonist of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device* and appears alongside the Emperor for most of the series.

## TTS Canon

Kitten's origins are unknown, other than that he was grown in a tube under Mount Everest (whom he calls "Mum Everest"), but what is known is that prior to his election to Captain-General and personal caretaker of the Emperor, he was the one who brought Alicia Dominica to the Emperor's throne room during the Age of Apostasy, in order to convince her that her master Goge Vandire needed to be stopped.

 At an unknown date, he became romantically involved with the Tau commander O'Shaserra "Shadowsun" but she dumped him, which left him spiteful and heartbroken. Kitten *insists* that no such thing actually occurred, and that the relationship was "NOT FUCKING CANON", but no one ever believes him. Episode 27 has confirmed that the relationship IS canon due Lockwarden telling him that he can't keep going to the palace vaults to cry about breaking up with Shadowsun.

Kitten frequently faces abuse from the Emperor, who hurls out a string of insults at every opportunity. Such insults include "golden banana," and "lipstick-looking brotherfucker." Despite this, Kitten's loyalty to the Emperor is very strong, and was responsible for giving the Emperor the Text-To-Speech device in the first place. As a Custodes, he sees the Emperor as his father figure, having been created by him. Since then he's been faithfully informing the Emperor of everything that has transpired since his internment, as well as carrying out new orders.

The one order he's been reluctant to carry out is cutting off Roboute Guilliman's life support, which prompted the Emperor to challenge Kitten to a Children's Card Game. After playing a number of overpowered cards, Kitten manages to outwit the Emperor with a technicality and win the game.

He was also apparently the victim of his fellow Custodes' shenanigans, particularly those of Karstodes, Custodisi, and Wamuudes, even in spite of his position. He nearly became as insane as they were, having gone through a phase where he too would run around without his armor on.

Kitten came to the aid of the High Lords during Karamazov's rampage, stating that he too was a High Lord; Kitten told him that his actions were going against the Emperor's will, declaring publicly that the Emperor was back in charge of the Imperium. Refusing to believe him, Karamazov declared the Custodes to be heretics. Kitten was about to order Karamazov to be executed, when the voice of the Emperor intervened and told him to let Karamazov run away.

After trying to stop a freaked-out Magnus from destroying the Emperor's throne room, Kitten made a deal with the other Custodes to give up his position as personal caretaker in exchange for their help. While they failed and Kaldor Draigo instead helped stop Magnus, Kitten still had to honor their agreement, and left the palace in remorse. Magnus tricked Kitten into thinking that the Emperor didn't want him around anyway, which devastated him. However, his loyalty to the Emperor proved too strong to sway him towards Chaos. Magnus backpedaled, suggesting instead that they should try to fix the Imperium on their own, as it was clear that their father's sanity wasn't in good shape. Reluctantly, Kitten joined Magnus.

On the voyage to Nocturne, Kitten proved his decisiveness once again when Tzeentch appeared to try to take back Magnus' soul. Recalling the fact that Tzeentch also plays Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Forth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip poker, Kitten thus challenged him to a game for Magnus' soul. Despite Tzeentch's attempts at cheating, Kitten once again defeated his opponent by believing in the Spleen of the Cards. Despite this, his armor had become silver instead of gold, much to his chagrin and distaste. His misadventures continued on Nocturne and the ride back to the Imperial Palace, where Magnus had him disguise himself as Chapter Master Retinens the Hero of the Crimson Tigers. In this disguise, they baited the Alfa Legion into a trap by kidnapping their Spiritual Leiges, the Blood Ravens captains Diomedes and Boreale. After capturing the souls of the Alfa Legion, Kitten was left to take care of the the two captains on his own, which mostly involved playing Call of Duty.

When Kitten and Magnus arrived at Nocturne to steal the Engine of Woes, they discovered Vulkan still alive, having regenerated after the War of the Beast. Vulkan is enthusiastic upon seeing Magnus and proceeded to hug him tightly, so much so that it hurt Magnus's spine and in a rage, Magnus accidentally killed Vulkan by telekinetically throwing the Engine of Woes at him. Much to the shock on Kitten and Magnus, The Engine of Woes opened and revealed Corvus Corax inside, also still alive. When the Salamanders discover the scene, Magnus immediately teleports back to the Imperial Palace with Kitten, Boreale and Diomedes.

Kitten's arguments with Magnus became more frequent, but he was convinced to go on one last errand to find the Proteus Protocol on Mars, and use it to resurrect the Emperor. Donning his Captain-General's armour (which he normally doesn't wear as it's two sizes larger than him), he recruited several Custodes, including Hammurabi Unferth, the Lockwarden, and Santodes. He and his shield company were ambushed by Cawl while in their transport vehicle and almost completely destroyed, but were saved by the arrival of the Lockwarden and Santodes. While standing over a mechanicus war suit, it exploded, killing Kitten and causing the emperor to cry out in sadness and pain.

## Personality

Kitten is very mild-mannered for a Custodes, being very polite and concientious as opposed to the typically stoic and dour demeanor associated with Custodes from the official canon. He will cheerfully greet the Emperor in the morning with a fresh cup of tea before getting blasted by a psychic lightning bolt, as is often the case. Kitten is also quite intelligent, as his fellow Custodes suspected that he spent a significant amount of time studying in the Black Library.

While normally calm and cheerful, there have been times when Kitten's composure has cracked. In particular, he loathes the Tau, claiming that they are an especially disgraceful xenos race for various reasons. The Emperor suspects, however, that the real reason Kitten hates the Tau is because Commander Shadowsun broke up with him. Kitten had been quite depressed after the break-up and spent much time in the palace vaults with the Lockwarden, a fact that he doesn't want brought up again. After Magnus suggested that they should adopt Tau-like stratagems, Kitten became enraged and started screaming in cockney.

He also acts obsessive when Magnus told Kitten that he knew how to resurrect the Emperor, completely forgetting how he was angry with Magnus earlier.

Kitten may in fact be a masochist, because when threatening to send Kitten off to the Blood Games to face the companions and "their throbbing Guardian Spears," the Emperor knew that Kitten secretly enjoyed his threats. He also couldn't deny that he had fantasies about "big, exotic crust-covered men come to take you away to the lands of a thousand volcano cannons exploding in your face."

Kitten acts like a mother hen at times, especially around Magnus. Kitten treats Apollo Diomedes and Indrick Boreale as his children, acting defensively when Magnus yells at them or puts them in time-out.

With the exception of The Fabulous Custodes, he is practically adored by the rest of the Adeptus Custodes.

## Powers and Abilities

As a Custodes, Kitten possesses various super human physical attributes as a result of extensive genetic engineering from the Emperor himself. The Custodes where created to be the emperor's pretorean guard and as such are created to be superior to the space marines. While they undergo a similar process as the Astartes, it's more advanced while requiring more time/resources and is more extreme with Wammadudes claiming that Boy was still young enough that the gene alchemists could still tear him apart and restructure him into a Custode. This implies an even more strict and extreme processing procedure as an Astartes begins body modification at the beginning of puberty and grows into their new body along with their new organs while a Custode like Kitten must be grown from the beginning or a young enough subject like boy must be reconstructed entirely. He enjoys Superhuman attributes like strength, speed and reflexes to a greater degree as an Astartes as official Warhammer 40k lore places the difference as to comparing the primarchs to the emperor. Having studied in the arts of war while the other Custodes were oiling their abs, he is expected to be a superb military combatant mixed with strategical insight.

* **Superhuman Strength:** Custodes display immense feats of strength, but Kitten could be an even greater showcase. An example of his god-like strength was when tricking the Alfa Legion with Magnus the Red, where he jumped across an entire field to land atop a building while wearing two sets of armors at the same time,. And one set was Terminator armor!
* **Superhuman Stamina:** Like the rest of his party, Kitten didn't show any sign of fatigue after walking miles in the sands of Mars in full gear. His custodian metabolism means that he recovers quickly and his body processes are much more efficient than a normal human or space marine.
* **Cellular Regeneration:** As a Custode, Kitten has advanced healing abilities which allow him to heal and recover from damage at a fast rate. His healing abilities also make him virtually biologically immortal giving him longevity as well as resistance to diseases.
* **Superhuman Reflexes:** His dexterity is such that he can shoot a flying coin precisely enough for it to fall on the face he wishes it too.
* **Superhuman Durability:** Much like Space Marines Little Kitten can withstand enormous amount of damage, but of course on a much larger scale. We can see this in display whenever Emperor psychically punches him around like a ragdoll without producing any permanent injury.

## Quotes

* *"My lord, I will PERSONALLY, take my halberd, and go on a crusade to the Tau world myself, and I will shove it down the throats of every single one of their PATHETIC! FUCKING! HIDES! DROWNING THEM IN THEIR OWN BLOOD FOR YOUR GLORY MY LORD!"*
* "*SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH YOU TUBE OF DISCOUNTED KETCHUP!"*
* "*I am not joining Chaos, you ass."*
* *"THIS IS NOT FUCKING CANON!"*
* *"I've always wanted to play Luigi board."*
* "*The only fate I believe in is that of Mankind's prosperous future and dominance of the galaxy. One which need not be tempted - only proven to scum like you!"*
* *"YOU LOT WANNA FOIT?! WE'LL BREAK INTO YA RELIQUARY, YA SCROWDER! GONNA TAKE ALL YOUR ARTIFACTS AND WEAR 'EM ABOUT! WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOUR ENGINE-THING! I'LL SLAP YOUR SHIT IN I SWEAR ON ME MUM! ME MUM WAS A TUBE!! A TUBE IN MOUNT-FUCKIN'-EVEREST! FUCK! MUM EVEREST!"*
* *"YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH CAWL O' DU'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"*

## Trivia

* Alfabusa has never confirmed Kitten's identity. Originally the Custodes' Captain-General had been Constantin Valdor, but he stepped down after the Horus Heresy. The modern Captain-General had not been identified until 8th Edition, where it was revealed to be Trajann Valoris; Wamuudes later confirms that Valoris was actually Kitten's main rival for the position of Captain-General. But after being asked on a Guardscom stream, held by Zoran the Bear, if Kitten was a “very tan” Omegon, the twin primarch of the Alpha Legion, Alfabusa answered ”is he”, then possibly jokingly answered “yes”.
* According to official GW canon, a Centurion named Longinus was the one who took St. Alicia Dominica and her bodyguards into the Sanctum Imperialis during the Age of Apostasy- something Kitten also did in Ep. 3 or of the same name. It stands to reason that Kitten is Longinus, then.
* According to ThunderPsyker, he improvised the line about Kitten being born from a test tube (presumably in the Emperor's genetic labs) and wasn't aware at the time that Custodes are supposed to be the children of Terran nobility.
* Alfabusa's later video series, *Hunter: The Parenting*, which transplanted the cast of TTS to the setting of the tabletop roleplaying game *Hunter: The Reckoning*, includes an adaptation of Little Kitten simply referred to as "Kitten". Kitten wears clothes that completely obscure his body, and is explicitly in a romantic relationship with the Magnus the Red analogue, Marckus, to whom he is engaged.

## Gallery

Kitten's armour turned silver by TzeentchKitten without his armour, art by InkaryKitten during his duel with Tzeentch,(Again?) art by Adeptus AdamarisKitten wearing his duel diskSilver Kitten ready to duelKitten's original artwork (Hands of the Emperor by Sam Wood)Kitten wearing his Captain-General armor (with feather from Magnus)
## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 Special 4: Kitten & Tzeentch play a Children's Card Game
2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 Episode 23: A Hairy Conundrum
3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 Episode 25: Fiery Family Reunion
4. ↑ Episode 3: The Age of Apostasy
5. ↑ Short 3: Why Kitten Hates the Tau
6. ↑ Episode 18.5: Atrocious Answers
7. ↑ Episode 27: A Cat to Yarn, A Bird to Folly
8. ↑ Episode 1: Adorable Centurion
9. ↑ Special 1: Kitten and Emps play a Children's Card Game
10. ↑ Episode 16: Universal History with Professor Emperor
11. ↑ Episode 11: Intervention
12. ↑ Episode 22: Change
13. ↑ Episode 26 Part 2: Fear and Loathing in Commorragh
14. ↑ 14.0 14.1 14.2 Episode 27: A Cat to Yarn, A Bird to Folly
15. ↑ Episode 19: Warp Grumbling
16. ↑ Episode 24: Of Khans and Cages
17. ↑ 17.0 17.1 Short 3: Why Kitten Hates the Tau
18. ↑ 18.0 18.1 18.2 Episode 15: Tau
19. ↑ Episode 20: You're Green With It!
20. ↑ 20.0 20.1 Short 8: Crotalids (apologies to the nation of Australia)