307: I Didn't Eat Any Cheating Cake :(

## Summary

Will re-gifts the *Boots of Flying* to Batthwack, but to everyone's surprise they magically split into two pairs of boots, accompanied by a puff of confetti. While the group try to make sense of this, Will reveals the new grey-smoke-filled orb he found at the Sooty Gang's hideout and Rosco learns all about their history with orbs. Eventually, everyone retires to their cabins and Batthwack meets up with Ricardo Odysseus at the captain's cabin. Raphina's suspicions are piqued by a mysterious figure and when she's follows them, she's attacked from the shadows. While Sheemie runs to raise the alarm, Mo is badly hurt and Raphina is knocked unconscious. Meanwhile, Ricardo serves Batthwack a dodgy whiskey and utterly fails to get off with him, before angrily revealing that it's his plan to kill them all out of jealousy over the group's friendship.

## Synopsis

Night has descended on the houseboat. Will emerges cautiously from his tent and finds Batthwack with his chainmail and shirt off, washing it in the river at the back of the boat in preparation for his tête-à-tête with Ricardo Odysseus. Raphina and Rosco are munching away happily at the cake, while Mo seems to prefer the taste of the corn dogs and the sticks they come on, for texture.

Will gifts Batthwack the *Boots of Flying*, but when the dragonborn takes them, there's the sound of a party horn and a puff of confetti, and the boots magically duplicate so that they're now each holding a pair. Batthwack wastes no time in trying his pair on and starts to hover, but Will is not keen, feeling highly suspicious of this latest turn of events.

Back with the others, and noting Will's concern, Raphina asks if there was any purple, swirly stuff when the boots duplicated. There wasn't, Will explains, but Rosco doesn't know what she's referring to. By way of explanation Will retrieves the orb filled with grey smoke that he collected at the Sooty Gang hideout. Batthwack's shocked to see yet another orb and wants to throw it away. *"Every time you throw something out the window, something secretly comes in the window at the same time. Remember that! It's the second law of thermodynamics,"* says Raphina. Will thinks the safest thing is to hold onto it.

Fairly nonplussed by the whole conversation, all Rosco has to offer are his recollections of performers he knew while growing up at the circus, who used smoke-filled orbs as props in their illusions. He always found them to be unsettling, and recalls how he had the same feeling when they saw the Aeonian Anglerfish stuck in an orb. He does agree with Raphina, and suggests that whatever these energies are, they cannot be created or destroyed. Tired of this conversation, Rosco walks away to locate Sheemie. Raphina cautiously scritches the orb with her nail, but it just feels like glass and nothing happens.

Rosco locates Sheemie on the houseboat's upper level, gazing out over the river. Sheemie's surprised to learn about the second pair of boots, and when the others arrive Batthwack asks him how he managed to get the boots off after they got stuck to his feet. Sheemie doesn't really remember them being stuck in the first place, like it was something that happened in a dream. It seems that only happened in the version of reality before the sliver's defeat, after which things changed. Rosco goes even further and suggests that one of this new set is from the old reality and the other is from the new one.

The conversation turns to locating the Captivating Coyote and the signs in the clouds that it seemed to show them. Rosco's beginning to find all this a little overwhelming and says he's going to turn in for the night. Will's not impressed that Rosco would walk away from their problems, which is quite some change of character for Will. He does have to agree though that sometimes you just need to be alone.

Someone who doesn't need to be alone is Batthwack, who departs quietly at this point to make good on his promise to visit Ricardo Odysseus. Batthwack finds Ricardo nonchalantly sitting in his cabin enjoying a drink. Batthwack has a glass of Slivery Isles rum and the two of them make small talk. Ricardo says he always invites one of the hotel guests back to his cabin, whoever he thinks is the most interesting. He asks Batthwack if he's comfortable around water, adding that he himself did not until he bought the boat. He leans in closely to Batthwack and they drink a toast to confidence.

After a little while, the others head back to their cabins. Will is sharing with Sheemie, Raphina with Mo, and while Batthwack's away, Rosco is already in a cabin on his own. On the way to her cabin, Raphina sees Ricardo going into a spare cabin next door. Sheemie tells her that Batthwack's meeting up with the captain, who's cabin is downstairs, so Raphina becomes suspicious. Will and Rosco aren't even slightly bothered and want to be left alone, so Raphina goes snooping with just Mo and Sheemie in tow.

   Raphina gingerly opens the door where she saw the captain go. Before she knows what's happening, a dagger flies silently out of the darkness and strikes her in the shoulder. She angrily throws is back and suddenly a crossbow bolt sails past her. Sheemie runs off to find the others and Mo leaps into the darkness to attack the unseen assailant. They both attack blindly, Raphina firing her *Oathbow* into the room, but neither can tell if they're hitting anything. Another two hooded figures run up the stairs from the lower deck, both wielding crossbows.

Sheemie shakes Will's tent violently, which is only just vaguely discernible by Will from inside. He's not impressed with being disturbed and assumes it's a practical joke, but does comes out to see what the boy is shouting about. Sheemie then immediately runs off to Rosco's cabin, who had heard the commotion and is emerging wearily as he slips his jacket on.

Back in Ricardo's cabin, the discussion turns back to water and Batthwack says *"I can close my eyes and even in the most tense situations, I can see myself diving into a clear pool of water, like I am a waterfall."* Ricardo suggests this is selfish, to think only of oneself, but Batthwack says that keeping your own feelings under control is important in order to help others. As he retrieves a special bottle of whiskey that he's been saving, Ricardo admits that he finds all his guests very boring, but Batthwack, he says, is different. *"You just might be the most interesting guest I've ever had on this boat, the SS Strahd."* Batthwack double-takes at the name of the boat, which Ricardo says is something that came to him in a dream.

Meanwhile Raphina and Mo continue to struggle against the mysterious assassins. A *Sacred Flame* briefly illuminates the room, revealing that there is just one assailant in the room. They stab Mo with a shortsword, and Mo's scream of pain reveals there's more to this weapon than meets the eye. Raphina gets stabbed next and poison course through her veins as she collapses unconscious.

Will and Bernard jog after Sheemie, still unsure what the fuss is about. Rosco is more determined and easily sails past Will with Rosco the dog at his side. Rounding the corner, he sees Raphina's lifeless form on the ground and the hooded, shadowy figures advancing on her.

Ricardo grins as Batthwack takes a sip of whiskey. The dragonborn's head swims for a moment. This stuff must be strong... or something. Confusion flits across Ricardo's face momentarily when Batthwack doesn't seem to be affected by the drink. He attempts to cover his surprise by making a move to lunge upwards at Batthwack and kiss him. Utterly oblivious, Batthwack happens to turn and look out the window, so Ricardo ends up kissing his cheek. Thinking that Batthwack is denying his advances, Ricardo is infuriated. *"All I want... all I've ever wanted... that's why I bought this fucking boat... All I want is some goddamn company. All I want is to have friends!"* His tone becomes menacing as he continues, *"I know all about you and your little group of friends. Friends! Oh, how lovely for you. Well the joke's on you. Because by the end of tonight, you will all be dead."*

## Quotes

* Rosco (as Will eats a corn dog): *"They're just like you Will; they're a combination sweet and savoury."* Mo: *"With a crunchy garnish!"* Rosco: *"Yeah, with a hard, crunchy garnish at the centre."* Eric: *"Right up the middle."* Rosco: *"A stick right up the ass, yeah."*
* Rosco: *"You know, my thing is, if I had bothered to learn to juggle, then I could do that too. So it's not that impressive. You know, like, okay, you did that. I chose not to. If I had, I could do it too. You know what I mean?"* Abby: *"We've just lost half of our podcast listeners."* Will: *"Oh, yeah, totally, like doctors, you know? I could have been one. I just didn't."* Eric: *"And there goes the other half."*
* Ricardo Odysseus: *"What can I prepare for you? I've got pretty much every alcohol you can imagine."* Batthwack: *"Hmm. Do you have whiskey?"* Ricardo: *"No."*

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from Alex. During Raphina and Mo's intense struggle against mysterious assassins, Adam suggests that Will's birthday cake provides a bonus to everyone's AC. Eric: *"Oh, yeah, we did talk about that cheating cake. I forgot about that."*. Alex: *"I didn't eat any cheating cake."*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: unutterable.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured KT doing a recap to the tune of *Both Sides Now* by Joni Mitchell:

*[Verse 1]*

Rowing oars, a wet affair

And noxious fish smell in the air

And sweaty companions everywhere

I've looked at boats that way

*[Verse 2]*

But now these guys have booked a yacht

To travel quickly, hey, why not?

And perhaps some power will be sought

Because of my birthday

*[Chorus]*

I've looked at boats from both sides now

From ding to dang, from stern to prow

But a houseboat party, what a ball

I'm not sure I knew boats at all

*[Verse 3]*

Twig tea hugs and Zone of Truth (Yeuch!)

A mustard man laments his lost youth

The bad among you might lose a tooth

I've looked at friends that way

*[Verse 4]*

But boots had fly and a magic tent

A loin cloth that covered a lizard's vent

An anglerfish cake with corn dog accents

Tivoli drawn and framed

*[Chorus]*

I'm seeing friends more clearly now

They may know me, and still somehow

I've tried to lose 'em, I've built a wall

They may not know me well at all

*[Verse 5]*

I need to fix Raphina's braid

I gotta make sure that Sheemie gets paid

And possibly make a turtley upgrade

He's not just my bodyguard

*[Verse 6]*
Is this all stupid? Am I quite deranged?

Or can this asshole really change?

Does anyone else think that Rosco Lafleur's a little stroinge

Sorry, old habits die hard

*[Chorus]*

I may not show them both sides now

But it might not matter anyhow

Are these friend delusions? Who can tell?

But holy shit, a tent that lets me be by myself!

*[Chorus]*

I've looked at things from both sides now

They're annoying and odd, but still somehow

I kinda like 'em, I'm mystified

Perhaps I should give friends a try

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ Out of character KT suggests their theory that this is the "birthdays are days of power" effect, foretold by Great Aunt Tootie. See episode 303: This Is Going to Feel Very Unhelpful
2. ↑ See episode 276: Hand-Back-Wrench
3. ↑ Batthwack had an experience with a green-mist-filled orb, see episode 232: Shoulda Bit Him in the Taint, and Batthwack and Will encountered purple-smoke-filled orbs, see episode 260: Batthwack Yells And Then Smashes... \*gasp\*
4. ↑ See episode 293: Fins, Gills, Angles, Scales, Eyes, Fins, Dorsal Pieces and Teeth
5. ↑ See episode 287: Next Time You Hear White Noise...
6. ↑ See episode 305: Zone of Mustard
7. ↑ Raphina succeeds her first death saving throw a little later on
8. ↑ Adam discusses the possibility that the drink may be poisoned and Eric seems to run with it, considering a constitution saving throw. In the end Eric rolls something secret and tells Batthwack that he just feels fuzzy.