A Series of Unfortunate Events/Quotes

***A Series of Unfortunate Events*** is a 2004 American animated film produced by DreamWorks Animation based on the series of books by Lemony Snicket (pen name of Daniel Handler). The movie stars the voices of Emily Browning, Liam Aiken and Jim Carrey, and narrated by Jude Law as Lemony Snicket.

## Lemony Snicket

* I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you will be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, then I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in other theather. However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay, while I tell you each and every one of the Baudelaire orphans' woeful steps. My name is Lemony Snicket, and I'll tell you the story of these children and their adventures.
* If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels. If you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.
* This should be an excellent opportunity to walk out of the theatre, living room, or airplane where this film is being shown. It is still not too late to see a film about a happy little elf.
* And so, the Baudelaire children went to Peru and together had wonderful adventures with their loving and new guardian. These are the words I desperately wish I could type. Oh, I would give anything to say that the story ends here. But no, my mission is not to weave happy endings where they do not occur, but to report the actual events. And as much as it pains me, I must confess that our heroes' troubles had only just begun. And it did so with two musical notes. (*Stephano rings the doorbell*)
* It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It's like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air and there's a sickly moment of dark surprise. The children's grief was not only for their uncle, but for that tender hope that they might have found home again. A hope which, thanks to a villainous theater owner, was now slowly tumbling away.
* I am happy to say that Count Olaf was captured for crimes too numerous to mention. And before serving his life sentence, it was the judge's decree that Olaf be made to suffer every hardship that he forced upon the children. The Baudelaires had triumphed, unmasking a cruel and talentless arsonist, and solving the mystery of the Baudelaire fire. Sometime after Olaf was jailed, the Baudelaires were ready to leave with Mr. Poe.
* (*Last lines*) Passing the torch is a right of passage that can take many forms. But perhaps the least known and most surprising is the passing of a spyglass. Dear reader, there are people in the world who don't know what are misery and woe and take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to solve and take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires, and they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.

## Violet Baudelaire

* (*repeated phrase*) There's always something.
* Tell me something's impossible, and I'll prove you wrong!
* It's the letter - The letter that never came. (*reading aloud*) "Dearest Children; Since we have been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, where you're older, you will learn all about the people we've befriended and the dangers we have faced. At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey. We hope to have you back in our arms soon, darlings; but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that, no matter what happens in this life, you three will take care of each other with kindness, and bravery and selflessness as you always have. And remember one thing my darlings and never forget it: that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family and you are home. Your loving parents."

## Klaus Baudelaire

* Uh, Violet? *Now* would be a good time to tie up your hair.

## Count Olaf

* Hello, hello, hello. I am your beloved Count Olaf.
* *I'm* a monster? *You're* the monster! These children tried to warn you, but you didn't listen. No one ever listens to children! You think you're innocent?! You're accomplices! This certificate says that I have the fortune now! And there's nothing you can do about it! (*to Violet*) What do you think? Too diabolical? Give me some feedback! (*he sees his certificate is burning and made into ashes*) Ah! What the?!

## Larry the Mouse

* If you offer me some cheese, then I will have time help you kids out.

## Dialogue

**Count Olaf:** Ah! My dear... (*looks at stick figures of Violet and Klaus with their names on his hands*) Violet. *Enchanté*.
**Violet:** Um... how do you do?
**Olaf:** And this must be Klaus. (*grabs at Klaus' face and looks at each side of it*) Young Klaus. Your left side is the good one. (*begins to mess with Klaus' bottom lip and then notices Sunny*) And, uh... what is this?
**Sunny:** (*in baby talk, subtitled*) I'm Sunny.
**Olaf:** I'm sorry. I don't speak *monkey*! (*mimicking a baby*) Banana?
**Sunny:** (*grunts, subtitled*) I'm *not* a monkey!
**Violet:** Sunny is our little sister.
**Olaf:** I must say you are a gloomy looking bunch. Why so gloom?
**Klaus:** Our parents just died.
**Olaf:** Ah, yes, of course. How very, very awful. Wait! Let's do that one more time! Bring me the line again! Quickly, while it's still fresh in my mind.
**Battly:** But master, you had made...!
**Olaf:** (*covering Battly's mouth*) Shut up, you stupid bat!
**Klaus:** (*confused*) Our parents just... died?
**Olaf:** (*overacting gasp*) Mr. Poe... I shall raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted.

**Olaf:** Yes, roast beef. It's the Swedish term for beef that is roasted!
**Violet:** But you didn't tell us you *wanted* roast beef!
**Olaf:** You know, there's a big world out there, filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across an ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow cast by my accomplishments. But I don't care about them. I chose to open my heart to you two *luvverly* children... and your hideous primate! All I ask in return is that you do each and every thing that pops into my head, while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.

(*after Count Olaf slaps Klaus*)
**Violet:** Are you okay?
**Klaus:** No. (*walks away*)
**Violet:** Where are you going?
**Klaus:** Home.
**Violet:** This is our home now.
**Klaus:** This is not home. Home is where your parents put you to bed at night. Where they teach you to ride a bike, or when they get all choked up on your first day of school. This is not home! How could they do this to us?
**Violet:** He's just a bad person and his pets are just animals.
**Klaus:** Not them. Mom and Dad.
**Violet:** *Klaus*!
**Klaus:** Well, you're thinking it too, Violet! How could they?
**Violet:** Do you remember when Mom and Dad went to Europe and we thought they'd abandoned us because they didn't even write? And then we found out they'd written a long letter and it had just gotten lost in the mail. Do you remember how guilty we felt for thinking bad thoughts about them? This is just like that.
**Klaus:** (*sadly*) No, it's not.
**Violet:** Why?
**Klaus:** Because they're not in Europe... and they're not coming back.

**Lemony Snicket** (*narrating*): Sanctuary is a word which here means a small safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea. The Baudelaire’s enjoyed their evening in the sanctuary they helped build together, but in their hearts they knew that the troubling world lay just outside. A world, which I'm sad to say, can be described in two dismal words.
**Judge:** Custody granted.

**Mr. Poe:** I'm sorry, Count Olaf. Allowing a child of Sunny's age to drive a car is simply not good parenting.
**Klaus:** He tried to kill us!
**Mr. Poe:** Let us not exaggerate, Klaus. The vehicle was not even in gear.
**Count Olaf:** (*to Mr. Poe*) May I have a moment alone with the children? (*Mr. Poe nods in agreement*) Goodbye, kids. It's been fun. (*leans farther into car window and whispers angrily*) I'm going to get you. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'll find you! Oh, you are *so* deceased! (*turns from car, puts eye drops in eye and turns to Mr. Poe*) Take them, Mr. Poe... before I lose it, big time!

**Monty:** Do you have any experience with children?
**Stephano (Olaf):** Ah, well, children are strange and foreign to me. I never really was one. I know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.

**Captain Sham (Olaf):** (*to Violet*) Are you jiggin,' me girl? (*to Aunt Josephine*) Why, perhaps it's just the ramblings of an expert fisherman, but grammar is the number one, most important thing in this here world to me.
**Josephine:** It is?
**Sunny:** (*in baby talk*) Is she desperate?
**Capt. Sham:** It's the whole ball of wax. The entire kit and caboodle. Why, without your good grammar, the whole darn shootin' match could go arse over tea kettle.
**Jo:** Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.
**Sham:** I can flip it up and rub it down, too. But of course, that'd be entirely up to you, ma'am. Captain Sham at your servie ma'am.

**Olaf:** Hello, hello, hello! I've missed you guys. Looks like you're in need of a little assistance.
**Klaus:** You're going to need assistance when you get back to town. Aunt Josephine is going to tell everyone what happened!
**Olaf:** And then I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a *friendly* guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and *bravery* and *nobility* will prevail at last, and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of *cheerful harmony*, and everybody will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littlest Elf! A happy ending! Is that what you had in mind? Because I hardly think anyone is going to believe a dead woman.

**Klaus:** (*desperately*) There's always *something*... *There's always something!*
**Violet:** (*sadly*) Not this time.
**Larry:** Wait, Violet. I got a plan to rescue Sunny. Listen...

(*Olaf's plan is foiled after Klaus and Larry burn the certificate)*

**Violet:** The marriage is not a picnic, and you're a terrible actor.
**Olaf:** We will maintain the calm, if they come here they will go down at my level. (*he realizes the police inspector has handcuffed him*) What are you doing?! No, no no! **NOOOOOO!**
**Lemony Snicket:** (*narrating*) I am happy to say that Count Olaf was captured for crimes too numerous to mention. And before serving his life sentence, it was the judge's decree that Olaf be made to suffer every hardship that he forced upon the children. The Baudelaires had triumphed, unmasking a cruel and talentless arsonist, and solving the mystery of the Baudelaire fire.
## Taglines

* On December 17, Christmas cheer takes a holiday.
* Don't say we didn't warn you.
* This holiday, Christmas cheer takes a break.
* At last a holiday movie without all that pesky hope and joy.
* Mishaps. Mayhem. Misadventures. Oh joy.
* Ruining Christmas December 17.
* We're *very* concerned.
* Darkening theaters December 17.