How Richard Fatchurd Stole Christmas Part One

Richard Fatchurd has always hated Christmas, and has never liked the holiday even when he was a wee lad living it up big in a palace. I think that one of the many factors behind Fatchurd's hatred for Christmas came from the fact that his parents never really encouraged the idea of Christmas. You see; Fatchurd's mother worked as a solicitor while his father worked in a slaughterhouse. They believed that Christmas was just another time for making money. They never gave Fatchurd any Christmas presents, and never told him the crazy stories of the miserable Saint Nick and his band of elves. So in that sense, Richard Fatchurd never really had a proper Christmas. He resented his parents for this, and he felt like he had lost a great deal of childhood wonder by never being able to celebrate Christmas. In all honesty, the best gift that Fatchurd ever got for Christmas was a hunk of rotten veal. "I wanted a train." The young Fatchurd whined to which his father responded by yelling, "well then go out and buy a damn train!"

Childhood unpleasantries aside; Fatchurd also hated Christmas for how commercialised the whole entire thing was. He just wanted to sit down in his living room and drink from a mug of hot chocolate like some kind of Donald Duck, but the world was having none of that I tell ya! Fatchurd was forced by his PA Fritz to go outside and see the Christmas lights in the town square. Despite the fact that Fatchurd has told Fritz time and time again that he has no interest in Christmas whatsoever. London became a very busy place during Christmas, and this meant that doing Christmas shopping became such a hassle for Fatchurd that he no longer bothered doing his own shopping, and instead dispatched Fritz to do the shopping for him.

One year, Richard decided that he would not be doing Christmas and decided to take a cruise to the Bahamas while Fritz was on holiday in Jamaica. Fatchurd had been inspired to go on the cruise after getting completely soaked in a massive rainstorm while attempting to get some white chocolate and pistachios. "You could really use an umbrella!" A street Santa cried while seeing Fatchurd run back and forth from the store. Sadly, Fatchurd's dreams of spending Christmas upon a cruise were thwarted by Fritz who announced that he had decided to come home extra early. This meant that Fatchurd had to hastily get everything ready for Fritz's arrival, and it was the only time that Fatchurd ever lifted one of his fat fingers and did some work instead of pawning it off to people like Fritz. Fatchurd never confided anything about his hatred for Christmas to Fritz, and kept it all bottled inside of himself as that was all he knew. Thankfully, Fatchurd deciding to do Christmas after all prevented him from remaining on the warpath with his neighbour Vic Frohmeyer.

Vic Frohmeyer was the self described leader of the neighbourhood that Richard Fatchurd resided in. Vic had actually been elected neighbourhood chief by the locals. He had loads of really weird Christmas traditions that had been forced upon the townsfolk. Every year, Vic ordered all the residents on the street to place giant Frosty The Snowman statues on top of their houses. Anyone who failed to comply was placed onto Vic's death list. Vic had no connections to powerful gangsters or any muscle behind him, but he was an incredibly dangerous man whose love for Christmas had completely corrupted him. Frohmeyer upon learning that Fatchurd was deciding to skip Christmas just for one year he lost his shit, and ordered the entire neighbourhood to kill Fatchurd. Frohmeyer was indeed an extremely reckless and careless individual as one time he chased Fatchurd through the street and grabbed onto the hood of his car in an attempt to keep him from escaping the neighbourhood. "Turn back now boy turn back now!" Frohmeyer cried at the top of his lungs, and Fatchurd responded by jamming a candle stick into his eye causing him to fall onto the ground in pain.

When Richard Fatchurd made a public apology announcing that he was celebrating Christmas after all. He went on to ask the townsfolk for help, and Vic Frohmeyer surprisingly was more than willingly to help him out. However, that's when the townsfolk asked, "well why should we help him for? He's a fat bastard." Vic's response was so smug so over confident that it made Fatchurd hate him even more than he already did. "Christmas is a time for giving a time for helping others even if some of us have behaved like good for nothing sons of Magra for the entire holiday season." Vic explained. He was a tight fisted hand at the peppermint candy cane that Vic Frohmeyer! After getting the house in order for Christmas, Fatchurd debated making a break for the dockyards while no one was looking. However, he ended up losing his chance of going on the cruise once again after his ticket was swiped out from his hand by a bird. "You birdhole!" Fatchurd yelled as he pulled a shotgun out from his ass, and attempted to kill the bird but it was no use as the bird flew all the way to Hushaby Mountain. Now that we've discussed for a bit about why Fatchurd hates Christmas so much let us actually dig into the real meat and potatoes of the tale at hand.

It was the 20th of December, and Fatchurd sat in his house counting some pound coins in a baking tray when Fritz entered the room with a sad look plastered upon his face. "Did I summon you here boy?" Fatchurd asked confused as Fritz took off his bowler hat and held it in his hands. His face meanwhile remained impassive. "I'm afraid I have some bad news Sir." "Well go ahead and spill the beans! I haven't got all bloody day!" Fatchurd yelled angrily as he grabbed Fritz by the neck and held him high up in the air. "Your great aunt Olga has passed away two days ago. We'll need to make some arrangements for the funeral." Fritz was surprised at the joy and happiness that emerged upon Fatchurd's face when he learned of his aunt's untimely death. As if by magic, Fatchurd dawned a top hat and a cane, and started dancing. Fatchurd then proceeded to explain to Fritz that his great aunt Olga was incredibly rich, and since he had always been his great aunt's favourite nephew he would no doubt be receiving a large inheritance. Sadly it was not to be.

Fatchurd did not bother to attend the funeral, but he was far more concerned with business on that fateful day. He had made a massive bargain, and had put in arrangements for his dear aunt to be buried in the ruins of an old abandoned golf course. Fatchurd had been very unpleasant during the preparations for the funeral, and insulting his recently deceased relative upon seeing her lying stiff in her coffin. "Yes she's quite so when's lunch?" Fatchurd asked curiously. The undertaker and his son were quite taken back by Fatchurd's remark. However, the undertaker was not a very good person as he immediately attempted to extort money from Fatchurd for the hole. Fatchurd ordered Fritz to pay the undertaker as he claimed he would later pay Fritz back in instalments, but he never did Remy he never did! Sadly, in the end it was Fatchurd who got the short end of this stick this time as his name was no where to be found in his Great Aunt Olga's will.

Summoned to the solicitor's office in Downtown Empire Bay, Richard Fatchurd was treated with the upmost contempt by the solicitor who just so happened to be Richard Beck. Richard Beck is a world famous real estate found owning his own real estate company named Richard Beck Realty. If I seriously have to say the name Richard Beck again I think I'm going to vomit out eggshells and shit out my intestines! Anyways, Mr Beck proceeded to tell Fatchurd that he was no included in his Great Aunt's will, and as such he would be getting none of her sweet stashed millions.

You see; Great Aunt Olga was raised in Germany by a harsh money lender with scary teeth and one wobbly eye that some say glows in the dark. Great Aunt Olga became a very bitter and resentful individual because of her care taker with her real parents being eaten by a rhinoceros. After gaining a degree in accounting at university I shan't say the name of the university in fear of getting sued, Olga opened up a huge money printing warehouse in West Berlin. It has formerly been owned by these old fart who sold rotten lamb hot pots to Burger King, but he uh... he went quiet. With that money printing warehouse under her belt, Olga quickly became one of the richest women in all of Germany. Now in stark contrast to her dear nephew, Aunt Olga loved Christmas, and every year on Christmas Eve before her untimely death she sent up stacks of raw meat to the local children's hospital. The children there were forced to eat the meat as Olga believed that whatever doesn't kill them would simply make them stronger stand a little taller. Though Fatchurd claimed to be his dear Aunt's favourite nephew this sadly couldn't be further from the truth. In truth, Aunt Olga always dreaded receiving a visits from Fatchurd. and would always have to fan herself down before he made his grand entrance. Aunt Olga knew that Fatchurd only cared about her because she had loads of dosh to hand him as pocket money. Oh how Richard Fatchurd loved a good bit of pocket money. After all it was the very thing he stood for. That fat fuck!

Upon learning that he was going to receive no inheritance money out of Olga's death, Fatchurd became very angry and bitter for the remainder of the day and the day after. Then on the evening of the 21st, Fatchurd received a visit from an incredibly fat charity collector who was on his own this time due to him having eaten his best friend and fellow lesser but still fat charity collector many moons ago. Even longer now that it seems. So sad. The charity collector began his request by asking, "do I have the pleasure of addressing Mr Fatchurd?" "What do you want?" Fatchurd inquired while eating some disgusting looking pea and ham soup. "Forgive me for my interruption Mr Fatchurd, I am here as a servant of the Mickey Mouse Charity Foundation." The collector explained as he pulled out a small black notepad. He then continued with, "we are endeavouring to buy the poor some meat and drink and means of warmth. So what might I put you down for good Sir?" "Nothing." Fatchurd answered while pulling a rather evil grin. There was something so chilling in his smile that it made the collector hesitate for a good while before asking, "you uh wish to remain a hippopotamus?" "I wish to be left alone you greedy fat bugger!" Fatchurd yelled at the top of his lungs as he then proceeded to go on a small rant about how Christmas always seems to have it out for him, and maybe if Christmas didn't exist he'd finally be able to get some good luck out of life.

Fritz meanwhile was decorating the living room with Christmas lights and decorations. He had wanted to do this earlier in December maybe even at the very tail end of November, but Fatchurd had turned him down by simply saying, "nac oes." Fatchurd after finishing his little rant about Christmas looked over at the collector. He looked incredibly shocked, and then proceeded to awkwardly excuse himself from Fatchurd's presence. It must be love love love. No! We are not doing Richard Fatchurd x Portly Gentlemen 1. It's just not right! It doesn't even sound right! Sounds like a foot fungus you'd get in Monica. MONICA! Retiring into the living room, Fatchurd upon seeing the tiny little tree that Fritz had put up demanded that they go and buy a new one. "But Sir this tree is perfect for us. It's just the right size, and it's..." Fritz was cut off as Fatchurd pulled him outside onto the parking lot by his greasy old man ear. Fatchurd threw Fritz into his car as he made his way into the backseat. His fat ass nearly made the bloody car break down, and in fact it did make the car tilt violently towards the one side. "Take me to Oakton Forest." Fatchurd ordered as he and Fritz began making their way out of Bristol.

At the Oakton City Forest, Fatchurd ignored the 'no trespassing' sign, and instead climbed over the fence and ordered Fritz to stop being such a little bitch, and to follow him. The pair had to be extra careful as there were lots of bear traps laid out due to lots of black bears being sighted in the area in the past two weeks. The black bears had escaped the Churchfield Zoo known by many as a great place to break legs. The pair walked for awhile until finally, Fatchurd spotted it. The greatest tree that he could ever hoped to have seen this fine December 21st evening. Fatchurd walked back to his car, and opened up the boot. Reaching inside the boot, Fatchurd came back holding an axe. He handed the axe over to Fritz, and ordered for the tree to be cut down immediately. In retrospect, the tree looked exactly like the one Fatchurd already at home, but it was just 1% normal which made Fritz vomit violently into his blue bowler hat. Fritz climbed up onto a step ladder, and started hacking away at the tree. In the distance of the woods a faint singing noise could be heard coming towards the pair. "Oh buggering buggerton. Fritz what the bloody hell have you done now?" Fatchurd asked as the singing suddenly became so loud and so crisp that it caused Fritz to fall off the step ladder onto the cold hard ground.

Suddenly. a large grey and foggy mist overtook the two heroes as none other than Amos Slade who held an old rusty shotgun tightly in his hands. His face was blue with fury and his eyes had become a sickly oily grey devoid of any humour or fanfare. Amos asked, "can't you two pricks see the sign? It says no trespassing!" "Oh we're smurfly sorry Mr Slade." Fritz apologised in a rather arrogant tone for someone of his cailbar. He attempted to pay Slade off the damage caused even though in all honesty no damage had really been done let's be honest here people. Slade threw Fritz's money onto the ground as he yelled, "I don't want your damn money! I want some blood!" Yes you see; Amos was actually working for Winnie Da Pooh and was looking for some blood to give to Eeyore who need a blood transfusion. Once again seriously look it up in the official Winnie The Pooh Strategy Guide No69. There's honestly two pages in there all about Eeyore's blood pressure problems. I must admit I cried reading it. Cried of laughter I mean! Ha ha ha ha!

Fatchurd and Fritz were able to thankfully escape the wrath of Amos Slade as a bear appeared on the scene. Slade attempted to shoot the bear, but he ended up getting his foot stuck in a bear trap. The bear was massive, but then just as it seemed as though it was going to kill Slade it instead pulled out a large red book with thick purple pages made from only the finest hay as it started sharing some poems with Slade. The bear was an aspiring poet and he didn't even know it! The bear's dream was to perform poetry in front of Baron Gwyn Claude, but he had no courage. He also knew fully well that the Baron's son John Claude was a vicious cynic who would no doubt ban poetry all together if the bear's poetry skills were bad enough. Running back to their car, Fatchurd decided that he and Fritz would get a tree the old fashioned way by paying a visit to Big Pete's Christmas tree lot.

Big Pete's Christmas tree lot was slowly been rebuilt from the ground up by a construction company ran by none other than Big Pete himself. Using some money he had won in a gambling game in a gambling den in Broker, Big Pete had managed to acquire some ten footers. Big Pete wanted to sell those ten footers as because they were so huge Pete could charge an abnormally large amount of money for people to buy them off him. Despite Fritz's protests, Fatchurd happily bought one of these ten footers from Big Pete, but not having quite enough to pay Pete off Fatchurd opted to sell Big Pete his car. "Pleasure doing business with ya!" Big Pete laughed as he stuffed the money into his pocket. This time Big Pete was taking extra precautions if he wanted his Christmas tree lot to become like it used to be. This meant that were now fire extinguishers placed around the lot in case of emergencies or in case of another case of Protegent Man leaking it's way onto the Christmas tree lot. Big Pete was finally about to earn his crust if you can believe that.

Fritz was forced to carry that massive ten footer all the way back to Fatchurd Manor. On their travels, the pair were intercepted by Colonel Dodo who was out on his early morning stroll. Yes, it was now 5am. December 22nd had finally arrived, and the sky was pink like pink custard in a salmon scented bowl. Colonel Dodo was smoking from a pipe as he proclaimed, "oh by Joe didn't expect to see you out here so early Richie?" Fatchurd responded to this nickname by slapping Dodo very aggressively across the face. "Don't you dare call me that!" Fatchurd barked at the very top of his lungs. "What's up your ass my little son of wood?" Dodo asked as he proceeded to light his pipe. Fatchurd then proceeded to explain to Colonel Dodo about the disaster of a week he had been experiencing thus far, and he then went on to say that maybe life would be better if Christmas didn't exist at all. "My boy how could you say such a thing!?" Colonel Dodo cried as he attempted to pick Fatchurd up, but Fatchurd was very much a big boned bastard which meant that lifting him up was a rather stupid elementary mistake for Dodo to have made. If Colonel Dodo had made this mistake say 10 years ago outside the gates of Preston Valley then this exchange could be overlooked but not anymore!

Colonel Dodo then decided that he would attempt to lift Richard Fatchurd's Christmas spirit by taking him into the city for a Christmas themed day out. Before heading off with Fatchurd, Dodo ordered his first mate Raison Man to help Fritz with getting the ten footer back to Fatchurd Manor. And so, Colonel Dodo and Richard Fatchurd caught the tube into London, and while on the tube they were surprised to see that Sam and Max, Superintendent Chalmers, and Slimy Sausage also happened to be on the same carriage. "Hey Colonel Dodo long time no see. So what brings you here on this fine December 22nd morning?" Sam inquired curiously. "Well Sam; I'm taking my dear friend Fatchurd here to see the Northern lights, and by that I mean rediscover his Christmas spirit know what I mean?" Dodo asked. Say was that a wink? No it was a blink. Get your facts right! "Oh Fatty why you not like Christmas?" Slimy Sausage asked teasingly. Fatchurd didn't answer, and instead his face in contempt. Slimy Sausage though a very stupid seal seemed to understand the situation immediately, though according to an IMDB user named Cabbages And King, old Slimy was lying just so he didn't embarrass himself in front of his dear Professor Charles. He had to impress his professor!

Arriving at the London Underground, Colonel Dodo announced that he would be taking Fatchurd to Duncan's Toy Chest, and for some stupid reason, Slimy wanted to accompany them. "I want a play!" Slimy proclaimed in the dumbest voice ever yet known to mankind. Duncan's Toy Chest was originally a small toy store in New York City ran by a certain Mr Duncan who hates getting recognised, and so always pretends to be someone else. This was because Mr Duncan's employees hated him greatly, and forced him to work as a cashier. Mr Duncan made terrible business decisions, and it was because of this fact he was relegated to such an asinine role that he had always hated ever since he first got demoted way back in November of 1992. Sadly, Duncan's terrible and impracticable business decisions are a story for another day. Stay another stay another day! Ha! Why do you keep giving me these ones Vernie? These days, Duncan's Toy Chest was a multi million dollar empire. You'd be lucky not to find one in any major city in the world. To my knowledge. the only city in the world to not have a Duncan's Toy Chest is Singapore. Hey I know him he was in Singapore! It is currently unknown as of writing this why Singapore had declined to have the Duncan's Toy Chest brand in their city, but it may have been due to the fact that Mr Duncan had once insulted the emperor So Fang for looking a pickled saltaran.

Arriving at Duncan's Toy Chest, Slimy Sausage was delighted when he discovered that the shop had a Mall Santa on duty for the day. The Mall Santa was a person known to all perhaps you've seen him in your dreams or in a YouTube video once. That person was none other than The Shadow Reader himself! Cue the smelly music. Shadow was accompanied by Diamond Rebel and Meet Billy who served as his bodyguards. Shadow had hired the pair to protect him in order to prevent Patrick Star from wrecking havoc upon the store. Queen of Lions was also at the store working as one of Santa's elves. Space Voyager had wanted to appear, but out of fear of becoming typecast for his roles in funnypastas decided to drop out of the project at the very last minute. Now, Slimy was delighted and wanted to sit on Santa's lap, but Fatchurd was not so easily swayed. Always a man of very dull imagination, ole Richard Fatchurd could bring himself to believe that the Mall Santa may have been in fact the real Santa Clause in the flesh. Fatchurd knew that Santa existed, and he was pining to teach that fat fuck a lesson!

The Shadow Reader was a terrible Mall Santa. He didn't even have the common decency to shove a pillow down his sweater in order to give the impression of Santa's pot belly. He was also smoking from a vape even though Duncan's Toy Chest had a strict no smoking policy, but Shadow could not give a flying duck. He considered himself to be above the law. His only concern was the fact that Patrick Star could be larking around having been spotted in the area six days ago by a waiter on Shadow's payroll. Slimy Sausage waited patiently in the queue until he was eventually called to sit upon Santa's lap. Not wanting Slimy Sausage to have a nice moment on this rather foggy but still somewhat decent December 22nd morning, Fatchurd went up to Shadow and looked at him with contempt as he said, "you're not Santa." "Of course I am. Ho ho!" Shadow proclaimed happily as he stuck a vape up his nose. The smoke came out from his ears. "You sit upon a throne of lies." Fatchurd said as to Shadow turned to face Diamond. "Diamond get rid of these punk!" Shadow barked at the top of his lungs and Diamond responded with, "sure Shadow but just remember you're the one thing that we can't get enough of!"

At that point, Fatchurd ended up pulling Shadow's fake beard off causing a massive uproar to occur in the store. Shadow pulled out a bat, and tried his best to attack Fatchurd who responded by throwing some Star Wars Lego at him. Meanwhile, Meet Billy tried his best to usher the children out of the store only to get trampled on by an Annoying Orange plush which had cement inside of it. Diamond Rebel eventually managed to restrain Fatchurd by leaping on top of him. Meanwhile, Shadow turned around to see that Santa's throne had caught on fire due to the fact that he had accidentally left his vape on there when he went to go confront Fatchurd. The entire North Pole section of Duncan's Toy Chest started to catch on fire. Shadow took off his Santa hat in a starch attempt to cool the flames down, as Queen of Lions and Meet Billy came in holding a fire extinguisher. The pair ended up breaking the fucking thing causing the entire workshop to fill up with disgusting foam. There was so fucking much of it that Diamond Rebel and Shadow ended up sinking in it as did Queen of Lions and Meet Billy.

Diamond Rebel tried his darn best to break free, but he just couldn't do it! "I never got my damn Rice Krispies!" Diamond cried in despair. Oh Diamond Rebel you and your Rice Krispies. I hope dear reader that you bought the DLC combo pack that came with this story entitled, "Diamonds Are Forever," which features Diamond Rebel, The Shadow Reader, Meet Billy, Queen of Lions, Space Voyager, and so many others going on an adventure to find Diamond some more Rice Krispies after Kellogg's announces their discontinuation at a press conference in Benning. Meanwhile, Meet Billy pulled a tin of Christmas pudding as he joked, "I guess you could say we put the Christmas in the pudding!" Sadly, neither Diamond Rebel or Shadow found that joke to be very funny. Though Shadow's facial expression certainly begs to differ depending on who you ask especially if you ask your local washing machine dealer. However, Queen of Lions certainly thought that Meet Billy's joke was hilarious, and she laughed hysterically at it.

Leaving Santa's Workshop, Richard Fatchurd decided to leave Duncan's Toy Chest as he planned on catching the tube back to Fatchurd Manor. Slimy Sausage was not accompanying him as he was busy playing in the foam as if it was a Winter wonderland, and that's just really sad honestly. Elsewhere, Colonel Dodo had not bothered leaving the front desk as he was busy trying to buy some wire cutters from the owner Mr Duncan. Dodo reached inside his coat pocket revealing a small red envelope which contained about £35,000 in 20 pound notes. "My oh my where did you get all that money?" Mr Duncan asked curiously. "I got it from setting fire to house along the Longshore." Colonel Dodo explained. "Oh well that explains it." Mr Duncan said as he then proceeded to hand Dodo his change.

I guess Colonel Dodo's bluntness must have warmed the cockles of Mr Duncan's heart as he then proceeded to yank two turtle dove ornaments off from the nearby Christmas tree. "Take the two turtle duffs." Mr Duncan said as he shoved them right into Dodo's mouth. "I can have two?" Dodo inquired. "Well two turtle duffs." Mr Duncan responded as he then continued with, "you keep one and then give the other to someone very special." "Uh haven't we had these conversation about turtle duffs before?" Dodo asked confused. "Oh do bundle it up it's awfully cold outside!" Mr Duncan warned as he then proceeded to disappear back into the shadows of the store as quickly and as quietly as a candle goes out. Colonel Dodo knew exactly what to do with these two turtle duffs, but first he had to find Slimy Sausage. However there was something else troubling Colonel Dodo at that precise moment. Where was Richard Fatchurd?

Arriving outside Duncan's Toy Chest, Fatchurd attempted to call a cab to the London Underground only to get pulled aside by Superintendent Gary Chalmers and his new teaching aide Squidward. Chalmers' ex assistant Leopold had been approached to reprise his role, but he had turned the role down due to him being very busy starring in incredibly serious BBC crime dramas. He only had no time to be a comical actor. He has no time for friends or fun. His anger makes that all the more clear! "Don't be afraid we just want to talk to you." Superintendent Chalmers said to Fatchurd in a rather threatening tone. So, Chalmers and Squidward then proceeded to invite Fatchurd over for a show at the New Wimbledon Theatre. "I'm busy." Fatchurd said bluntly to which Chalmers responded by rudely ushering him towards his Honda. "That's exactly what I used to say about the theatre, only I saw a performance by Micah Bell And The Rats." Chalmers explained as Fatchurd was forced to get into the boat. Also for some bizarre reason, Chalmers and Squidward had decided to place Fatchurd inside a life jacket. Not really sure why, and they ended up inflating it by accident. Meaning that by the time they reached the New Wimbledon Theatre, the life jacket had lost it's purpose. An eye for an eye I say!

The New Wimbledon Theatre was getting ready to feature a live performance from acclaimed band Puggsy And The Pussycats. Richard Fatchurd was delighted as he had always looked up to Puggsy in his youth, and in fact owned all of Puggsy's album including the limited edition frankincense version of the album, "Blood Runs Cold At Christmas." Sadly, as Fatchurd and his cohorts got themselves into the seat (Fatchurd sat in the very middle which caused two people who were already sitting in the chairs across from him to fly into the air), as Chalmers and Squidward opted to sit behind Fatchurd in order to avoid getting crushed to death by Fatchurd's fat ass. After a rather long interval, the show FINALLY started only for Richard Fatchurd to become immediately disappointed once that the intended performance by Puggsy And The Pussycats had been cancelled that night due to Puggsy getting infected with a certain virus that you may have heard of. It starts with a c and no it's not from Compton!

With Puggsy's show having been cancelled, he was instead replaced by a backup act hosted by none other than Gus Polinski poker king of the Midwest. "Poker twist." Gus Polinski sang as Fatchurd groaned heavily into his bucket of popcorn spider webs. Now truth to be hold, the performance wasn't that bad honestly. I mean Polinski had even managed to hire an entire orchestra to perform the Flight Of The Bumblebees. Also, I should mention before we continue that during the performance of the orchestra, the conductor was pulling an incredibly saucy face which of course made it look like he needed to take a poo. Sadly, the show ended going all downhill when one of Polinski's stage hands who just so happened to be former world famous artist Fiasco ended up throwing a drum stick right into Squidward's eye. "Do bad that didn't kill me." Squidward said bluntly as his head fell off and began rolling down the floor of the theatre. I reckon Fiasco did that on purpose. He had always had a twinge of jealousy for Squidward, after Saucy Pat's googly eyed rocks ending up stealing his thunder.

Richard Fatchurd then proceeded to excuse himself from his chair claiming to need the bathroom. However, once he got outside Fatchurd made a break for it only to find Sam and Max waiting for him on the pavement outside. They were pulling very smug expressions with Max dawning a pair of sunglasses in order to further emphasise his smugness during this exchange. Anyways, Sam and Max then explained to Fatchurd that they would be taking him around London in order to see how the police celebrates Christmas. Knowing that the pair would not take no for an answer, Fatchurd hesitantly agreed to go along with them.

The streets of London were cold and bitter this fine December 22nd afternoon. So in bitter in fact that it caused Max to tie his rabbit ears into a knot. Ha ha did you hear that note? No I said knot for the k is silent. Got to learn to listen Lou! Anyhow, Sam and Max decided to take Fatchurd for the drive of his fat life, and by that I mean they took him to an amusement park ran by Captain Kiddie. The park was old and cold and so very full of mould. The rollercoaster had Kiddie's face plastered upon it, and the guard rail was old and rusty to the touch! The theme park was named Kiddie Land. Real original name there Captain Kiddie! There were old Christmas lights and decorations from the 1930's thrown all over the place. Sam and Max kept tripping on the damn wires, but Richard Fatchurd did not care for he was as cold as ice! The park also had it's own museum which consisted of a series of golden statues. Statues of the most important characters in our life times including Pimping Sanders, Honey Monster, Captain Qwark, Mr Paperclip, Virgil Sollozzo, and of course Colonel Dodo. Fatchurd sneered at the statues. He should have his own statue, and it would be the largest one of all! He wanted the statue to be 8 feet no 11 feet! A dangerous past time I know. While touring the museum, Fatchurd and his friends ended up getting caught by Captain Kiddie who pulled out his whistle as he cried, "great wabbling waffles!" He then proceeded to blow a mighty blow into his whistle

Captain Kiddie proceeded to invite the trio over to his trailer which was located at the very back of the amusement park. No one bothered visiting the park which meant that Kiddie spent all his time in the trailer reading from newspapers on how to go about reclaiming his fortune. Captain Kiddie poured Fatchurd a glass of milk as he asked, "so what brings you to this side of the city son?" "I want to go to bed." Fatchurd whined which caused Sam to slap him very aggressively. "Oh calm down Fatchurd. I mean what could be better than a fine port and intelligent company." Sam then continued with, "say Kiddie tell me have you been to Tibet." As if magic, Captain Kiddie started singing a song about his origins. Based on his origin story, Kiddie seemed to be from all around having spent a sizeable amount of time in New York City even performing at Carnegie Hall. Nothing at all! The song was rather sad in the sense that it was kind of Kiddie's way for crying for help. He knew deep down that he was a shameless sell out who would happily kill his own washing machine dealer if it meant that he could get some dough out of it.

After concluding the song, Captain Kiddie drank from a massive glass of milk which tasted really foul. Not just because Kiddie is actually seriously lactose intolerant, but also because the milk was super rotten having been left in Kiddie's fridge since June 3rd 2011. "So tell me about yourself Fatchurd." Kiddie inquired as Richard Fatchurd proceeded to explain the day's events to the Captain, and then Fatchurd went on to explain about his Great Aunt's passing, and how she had millions in her will. Captain Kiddie completely misunderstood the situation, and ordered Sam and Max to go and get some firewood from the woods just around the corner. "But I didn't see any woods there." Sam said as he and Max were rudely pushed out the door by Kiddie. For some reason; Captain Kiddie thought that Fatchurd had inherited his recently deceased Aunt's inheritance as Fatchurd had neglected to mention the part about him getting nothing in her will. And so, Kiddie decided that he would hold Fatchurd for ransom until a random old dog bank manager entered the park with his wife and their disgusting mutant rat faced kids who had previously tried their best to get their father to buy them one of Big Pete's ten footers. So you see; it's all coming together!

Once Kiddie had the bank manager in his grasp he would hold the manager at gunpoint, and force him to give up the location of Great Aunt Olga's money stash. Thankfully, Sam and Max had managed to catch wind of Kiddie's ruse, and managed to free Fatchurd from the Ferris wheel which is what Kiddie had used to restrain the fat bastard of a man that was Richard Fatchurd. "Hey I wonder what this lever does?" Max asked himself as he accidentally pulled off an incredibly important lever which caused the Ferris wheel to start rolling around the streets of London at an alarming rate. And so, Captain Kiddie got himself inside a small conveniently placed canoe, and began rowing after the Ferris wheel. Some story. Some Kiddie. Depressed over such a terrible day, Fatchurd ordered Sam and Max to forget about the darn Ferris wheel, and to instead take him home.

Returning to Fatchurd Manor, Richard Fatchurd was ushered into the living room by Fritz in order to marvel upon their tree. Also, Colonel Dodo and Slimy Sausage along with the others were all in the living room too enjoying some cups of tea and scones. I fucking hate scones! Sadly, the tree was far too big for the living room, and the top part of the tree was keeling over. "I have an idea. Fritz go get the axe." Fatchurd ordered as he threw Fritz into the kitchen which is for some reason why Fatchurd always kept the axe. Gave him protection against surprise when he was the most vulnerable ya know? Fritz brought the axe and handed it over to Fatchurd as he asked, "are you sure this is a good idea Sir? Seems a bit of a sticky wicket if you ask me!" "Did I ask for your opinion asshole?" Fatchurd responded as he started hacking away at the tree. However, Fatchurd hadn't thought this through very well as the tree ended up collapsing onto the ground destroying his brand plasma screen 5000 inch TV and platinum coffee table in the process. "Oh buggering buggerton." Fritz said as he headed into the kitchen in order to make some cups of hot sweet Tetley Tea when all of the sudden a man wearing a nice suit entered the house. This man's name was David Langley.

David Langley was a solicitor who was an old rival of Richard Beck. Dave tried talking to Fatchurd only to see Fatchurd fly off the handle in a way that no one has ever seen before. His outburst was so shocking in fact that it made the smiles vanish instantly from the faces of Colonel Dodo and Slimy Sausage. Though he was indeed very fat, Fatchurd was a very cruel man, more brash, and very more brutish. He had to be handled with the upmost care like precious poop in an ashtray. Anyways, Fatchurd began his outburst by yelling, "oh you stop fucking talking to me you fucking little microphoned hair bitch!" "Mr Fatchurd I..." Mr Langley was cut off as Fatchurd yelled, "get the fuck out of my house or else I'll stick my shoe up your arse faster than a rabbit gets fucked!" And with that, a heavily embarrassed Dave Langley excused himself from the house and headed outside. "Good riddance." Fatchurd said while adjusting his tie as Fritz coughed to get his attention. "What is now Fritz?" Fatchurd asked in an annoyed tone. "Well Sir it's just the thing is Mr Langley is your Great Aunt Olga's solicitor." Fritz explained rather sheepishly as Fatchurd asked quietly, "what did you say?"

Yes you see; David Langley was indeed a solicitor who had helped Great Aunt Olga with constructing her will during her final days. On the recently deceased Olga's orders, Langley headed to Fatchurd Manor in an attempt to give Fatchurd a 200 million pound loan. Richard Beck had lied to Fatchurd about his dear Aunt leaving him nothing in the will as she planned on giving her entire fortune over to Fatchurd. Beck had lied about it in an attempt to keep all the inheritance money for himself as the housing market just wasn't booming as much as it was in the 1950's when Beck first established his property company. David learned of Beck's deception through his contact In Richard Beck Realty who just so happened to be a mouse with a severe nose injury.

Upon realising his mistake, Fatchurd rushed outside the house in an attempt to atone for his sins but it was too late as he saw David Langley handing the loan over to the incredibly fat charity collector from earlier. After being given the loan, the collector remarked, "I'm feeling like fish and chips tonight." He said while pulling the smuggest face you'd ever did see. It was so fucking smug that it caused Fatchurd to vomit violently and shit out eggshells over his front porch. At that moment, Colonel Dodo and the others tried their best to persuade Fatchurd to come back into the house for Christmas carols, but Fatchurd as quiet as a mouse instead made his way into the city for a night on the town. "What you suppose is eating that guy?" Colonel Dodo asked as he lit himself a pipe. "I dunno." Slimy Sausage said rather arrogantly as he started wailing his flippers about. They were somehow completely forgetting the obvious fact that Fatchurd had just lost his chance to strike it rich, and make his dear Poppa proud.

When Richard Fatchurd went into the city that night thoughts span around his head in a constant circle. Not a square because this poo is cold. Christmas seemed to always have it out for him. Why did he always have to be a punching bag for the holiday? So why then did today have to be such a fucking disaster? Perhaps in a curious sense, Fatchurd believed he deserved some of the harsh treatment as in all fairness he was the nicest of beans. He was quite a cruel, uncultured, and violent man despite his jolly exterior. Don't judge a book by it's cover yall! Fatchurd decided to spend the night at a local Premier Inn. However, due to all the rooms being fully booked up due to it being the Christmas season; this meant that Fatchurd was forced to bunk with an incredibly cynical Cockrill who fought in World War II just so people on Discord would eat soup without spoons. If I even smell soup on here; I'll bury my spoon! I named him Spoonie! This whole thing never would have happened had Neddie still been around. Indeed his old assistant Neddie never would have fallen for Richard Beck's façade! He would have smelt a rat, and would have called Beck's bluff which would have prevented Fatchurd from embarrassing himself in front of David Langley causing to him to lose of his Great Aunt's sweet dough.

Ole Fatchurd had difficulty getting to sleep that night due to the old Cockrill in the bed next to him going on and on about his time in the War. "In 1943 on the trenches outside Peru, the lads and I made our way into town wearing nothing but thin newspaper hats." The old Cockrill yapped on. Fatchurd groaned in frustration as he attempted to suffocate himself with his pillow which was full of mouldy Haribo wrappers. Sadly since his face was very large it meant that Fatchurd was unable to suffocate himself. I guess you could say he was George Extra Large! Ha ha! So then.... ha ha! Sorry I need a minute. Cue the saucy music. Also, the pair weren't even sleeping inside a bed no they were instead sleeping inside a massive sock for some reason. It had the Union Jack on it. I mean how could that be anything other than a political statement?

The following morning at dawn, the hotel security guard Razoul came in farting violently as he did so. "Ah dawn!" Razoul exclaimed at the top of his lungs as he then proceeded to explain that a massive snowstorm has broken out in London meaning that Fatchurd would be unable to return to Fatchurd Manor and would likely have to spend another evening at the Premier Inn. Not wanting to spend another night in that hellhole of a hotel, Fatchurd paid Razoul a small loan of £300,000 as he began making his way out of the hotel and onto the snowy streets.

The streets of London were indeed ice cold and covered to the brim with snow. The thickest snow that you'd ever see! The snow was so thick and high up that Fatchurd's entire body sank underneath it. There were hobos dancing in the street stomping their feet upon the pavement in a starch attempt to warm themselves up. Fatchurd dawned a face mask as he started walking around the cold deserted streets. He was murmuring to himself. Saying things like, "if only there was a way to keep Christmas from coming," and, "the world would be a happier place for me if Christmas was to no longer exist." "Maybe I can help." A voice said in the distance behind Richard Fatchurd. The voice was incredibly gruff sounding and sounded like the coolest voice you'd ever hear. Upon turning around, Fatchurd gasped in delight as he came face to face with a snowman. A talking snowman I should say! A talking snowman who went by the name of Snowden. Snowden The Snowman!

Snowden The Snowman was a talking snowman who had a pipe placed proudly into his mouth. A Doctor Who scarf was thrown across his neck. "Who and what the Jiminy Cricket are you?" Fatchurd inquired as Snowden responded by taking off his dusty old fedora as he said, "my name is Snowden; Snowden The Snowman. I couldn't help but notice you seem to have a hatred for the holiday known as Christmas." Snowden cleared his throat as he then continued with, "there is something you must know. If you truly do desire to stop Christmas from coming you need to know that there is only one way to make that happen." "And what is that?" Fatchurd asked curiously. "You need to kill or kidnap Robot Santa. With Santa out of commission, you will have control over the North Pole." Snowden explained. "Why do you want to help me?" Fatchurd asked. Snowden then proceeded to explain that he had always had a hatred for Christmas ever since he was a small little snowflake living in the skies of Chicago. Snowden explained that if he and Fatchurd cancelled Christmas then maybe just maybe Snowden could finally earn his crust, and by that I mean finally receive the recognition that was so longer stolen from him so many moons ago. Even longer now than it seems. So sad. Also, despite coming off as a very jovial character during this exchange between himself and Fatchurd, in reality, Snowden was a crude, cynical, and a big old prick. He tried his darn best to mask his cruder nature with an air of sophistication and culture, but his ignorance always shines through.

Snowden and Fatchurd shook each other's hands, and then agreed to team up in their plan to take over Christmas by disposing of Robot Santa. "So uh how are we going to get to the North Pole then?" Fatchurd asked as Snowden responded with, "leave that to me my friend." That's when Terrence The Tractor appeared on the scene. Richard Fatchurd insulted Terrence for having caterpillar tracks, but quickly regretted it once Terrence offered to give Fatchurd and Snowden a lift to the airport. Arriving at the airport, Richard Fatchurd and Snowden caught the first flight to the North Pole, and Fatchurd was surprised when he learned that Snowden had managed to swing them a place in first class with Mr Bean while the Muppets were practicing politics in second class planning to mail some letters to Robot Santa. Unbeknownst to the pair, Terrence still feeling insulted by Fatchurd's comment about his caterpillar tracks decided to snitch on the pair to Colonel Dodo. I mean seriously Fatchurd told Terrence that his tracks looked like one of those caterpillar cakes from Morrisons. Though Terrence seemed to take the joke with good humour. In reality, he went home to Sodor Island crying a bucket of tears.

After receiving the deets from Terrence, Colonel Dodo held his face in contempt as he said, "oh dear dear no. This is not good news. This is not good news at all." "Hey what's the matter Luigi?" Raison Man asked while attempting to study one of Dodo's boats in a bottle for some bizarre reason. "Richard Fatchurd is planning to cancel Christmas." Colonel Dodo explained apparently completely disregarding the fact that Raison Man had referred to him as Luigi. Anyways, Dodo made his way over to the side of his office, and opened up his safe to reveal a small black phonebook. Dodo returned to his desk carrying the book, and began making some phone calls. First, Dodo called Fritz and agreed to meet with him up at Fatchurd Manor. Next, Dodo called General Asquith along with several other important people including Slimy Sausage, Dodo's ex accountant Captain Hook, Pimping Sanders, RJ Mole, Mr Krabs, Squidward, Henry Tomasino, Bob, Gordy, Sam and Max, along with so many others. So many others heck even The Shadow Reader received a phone call at his house from Colonel Dodo. "I'll be there as soon as the sun hits the sky in Baltimore." Shadow explained as he then proceeded to fart loudly into the phone speaker which nearly caused Colonel Dodo's ears to bloody blow off. In fact, his ear drums ended up coming out of his ears for a brief moment. He managed to push them back into his head as he cried, "ah that bloody hurts that does!"

Arriving in the North Pole. Snowden decided to go over his master plan with Fatchurd. Basically, Snowden planned on infiltrating the Workshop by offering to cook some cookies for Robot Santa, and he would then lace those cookies with rat poison. With Robot Santa dead, Snowden and Fatchurd would be able to take control and cancel Christmas once and for all. The pair made their way up to Santa's wooden door, and knocked on the door 576 times. Robot Santa answered the door, and looked absolutely horrified. Fatchurd and Snowden were carrying a rope and a large brown bag. Thinking that the pair had come to kidnap him which to be fair was part right, Robot Santa ended up passing out onto the ground in shock. "Stuff him in the closet!" Fatchurd barked as Snowden then proceeded to drag Robot Santa and hide him in a small storage cupboard located just across the room from the cafeteria.

Now in control of the North Pole, Richard Fatchurd ordered Snowden to hack the television networks. In the early to mid 1950's, the old human Santa had worked as a TV editor which meant that he had control over all the televisions in the world. Due to his control over television, Santa was able to choose when and where his image was used. He could decide when exactly he appeared and how he was represented in media. Once Robot Santa took control after the OG Santa left for Jupiter with Mrs Clause, he found himself to have no use for the television networks and so decided to not bother doing anything with them.

Back at Fatchurd Manor, Fritz sipped violently on a cup of hot sweet tea. Meanwhile, The Shadow Reader was sitting on the sofa smoking from a vape whilst General Asquith stood next to him awkwardly adjusting his belt. Meanwhile, Pimping Sanders was chatting with Captain Hook. I mean when are we ever going to get to see Pimping Sanders and Captain Hook in a scene together. "Remember last year?" Pimping Sanders joked as he and Captain Hook started laughing hysterically. With Fritz's permission, Shadow had put Netflix on, and was watching Christmas With The Kranks. The best Christmas movie ever made, and if you disagree with me then that's just blasphemy! I mean how could you ever go as far as to say that a movie starring our lord and saviour Tim Allen is bad. That's not very Christmassy. Colonel Dodo and RJ Mole brought a huge bowl of popcorn into the living room when all of the sudden the TV screen changed to show Richard Fatchurd's incredibly fat face. His face was so large that it took up the entire screen until Snowden managed to zoom the screen out by 101%, and even then it was still hard to see the rest of the scenery due to Fatchurd's fat face getting in the way of things all the damn time!

Richard Fatchurd then proceeded to explain that Robot Santa was taking a little nap in the biscuit tin, and had left Fatchurd and Snowden in charge until he got better as he was ill with the you know Uno after having contracted it from Puggsy. Upon spotting Snowden, General Asquith asked, "Good God and that's real? It's not some kind of a hoax or a dummy or..." "Asquith shut up! I've seen that snowman once before." Captain Hook said as Colonel Dodo asked, "what on Earth are you talking about Hook?"

Captain Hook explained that Snowden was a demon that been created by the High Council. The High Council was a society which controlled all the holidays like Halloween, Christmas, Easter etc. We'll talk more about them later trust me on that. Snowden was created by the Council in order to serve as an enforcer and security guard for Santa, but as the years passed Snowden proved himself to be a very cunning and ruthless individual who had plans on taking over the entire Council with his own gang of hardened criminals which he had aptly named the Snowman Mafia. "I heard his name means Rice Rice Baby backwards." Al Pacino said who was busy chilling on the sofa next to Shadow. "Pretty sure it doesn't." A magical talking sage said as he appeared on the coffee table. "Who the dickens are you?" Fritz asked as the sage responded with, "my name is Sage I am a sage so call me Sage. Anyways, it's come to my attention that Fatchurd and Snowden are not going to give up Christmas without a fight." "So what do you suggest is reasonable then?" RJ Mole inquired. "Simple my friend we need to build ourselves an army." Sage explained.

Back at the North Pole, Richard Fatchurd started feeling a slight twinge of guilt which Snowden took notice of. "What's a matter?" Snowden asked. "Oh it's nothing." Fatchurd replied as he decided that his guilt was probably just a case of indigestion from an undigested bit of beef, a blob of mustard, or maybe even a fragment of underdone potato. There was more gravy than a grave about him that was for certain! "Bad news Fatchurdie." Snowden said as he then continued with, "my contact tells me that your friends back home are planning on building an army to revolt against us. We can't have that." "Shit." Fatchurd said. He was going to say something else but he was cut off by Snowden who continued his little rant by saying, "and there's worse. The High Council know that we've kidnapped Robot Santa. They're planning on putting into effect the Escape Clause." "The escape what?" Fatchurd asked. "Oh don't worry about that Rich I got an ace in the hole!" Snowden proclaimed happily as the door bell to the workshop rang.

Snowden answered the door as a bunch of snowmen and snow creatures walked into the room these included Jack Frost, Stormella, Sam The Snowman and his brother Leon who served as Snowden's chief lieutenant. They were the Snowman Mafia! "Richard Fatchurd allow me to introduce you to the Snowman Mafia!" Snowden exclaimed as he then proceeded to list the Mafia member's names one by one. Fatchurd made his way over to the window, and looked out on the snowy streets of the North Pole. His and Snowden's problems were only just beginning. The Great Christmas War of 2020 had begun. It was all just a matter of time.