The Noblest Gas

Fanart by Shyranno

The Noblest Gas is the oldest member of the Noble Gases Club in London. He uses an ear trumpet. He loves the name "Pamplemousse" so much that he easily mishears and misremembers other names as "Pamplemousse." In his youth, he won the Messy Eating Competition. He sings in a quavering and surprisingly lyrical tenor. His snoring is thunderous.

Every so often, he goes to the fourth floor of the Noble Gases Club and fiddles with the partially built half-Spanish galleon and half-Viking longboat stands on a desk in the center of the room, saying that someday he will sort things out with it. He cannot abide circus peanuts, preferring a sour ball or bit of toffee. He often abstains from votes by virtue of being asleep. He loves to talk about exotic injuries. He is a dab hand at shuffleboard and skeet shooting. He has been granted The Order of The Grand and High Intimidators for Successful and Sustained Antagonistic Behavior.

## Cakes and Ale

### Prologue

The Noblest Gas eats smoked salmon on an oatcake. He is skeptical of the Jolly Good Person and demands to know their name.

### Chapter 1

The Noblest Gas misses the entire story, comes in at the end, and asks the Jolly Good Person to restart the story.

### Chapter 2

If the Jolly Good Person goes poking around in the sub-basement, the Noblest Gas tells them that it is mostly composed of old, dirty storage rooms that former Noble Gases locked up rather than clean. The Jolly Good Person getting through the locked door may disturb the Noblest Gas while he is reading the newspaper. In the sub-basement, the Jolly Good Person may find a daguerreotype of the Noblest Gas as a young man with food all over his face, hoisting a trophy and a beer stein. He reveals that is from when he won the Messy Eating Competition. As he tells it, there were three rounds: beefsteak sandwich with all the trimmings, foamy beer, and custard cream pie. Pilcrow helps the two hang the daguerreotype in the trophy room.

### Chapter 3

The Noblest Gas is present at the meeting. If the volunteers moving the heavy table down the stairs do a disastrous job, he reprimands them and insists on showing them how it's done.

### Chapter 4

At the emergency meeting, everyone makes excuses for why they cannot box or dine that night except for the Noblest Gas, who is asleep. President Ernie nominates him to box and dine, and the club votes in favor.

### Chapter 5

Vyv and Gilberto explain to the Noblest Gas that he will be competing at the arena. The Jolly Good Person flatters him into accepting his fate and gives him advice on the dining portion.

### Chapter 6

The Noblest Gas is revealed as the narrator of Chapter 5. He asks to be liberally supplied with "the good whiskey" as he narrates Chapter 6.

The Noblest Gas is present at the arena and proves to be a decent fighter. Fitzie stops him from cheating by putting weights in his boxing gloves.

### Chapter 7

If the Jolly Good Person reveals that they worked on the newspaper article, the Noblest Gas may claim to have tampered with thousands of presses in his day. In the swimming pool, he wears a full body suit made of knitted wool with broad black and white horizontal stripes. If the Jolly Good Person reveals that they have a tattoo, the Noblest Gas expresses his disapproval. He may discover Tabby spying.

When President Ernie announces his intention to resign and suggests the Jolly Good Person as a replacement, the Noblest Gas objects on the grounds that one must be a member for ten years before holding the position of president. If Ernie remains president, he appoints the Noblest Gas as his vice president. When Spud Nuggets are introduced as a potential sponsor, the Noblest Gas opines that Spud Nuggets are the only good thing to come out of modern society.

### Chapter 8

If the Noblest Gas is vice president, he is frequently asleep on the job. If Tabby visits as a guest, the Noblest Gas insists that she follow all the rules pertaining to guests. If the sponsor is Spud Nuggets, the Noblest Gas munches on Spud Nuggets contentedly.