Forescore Jones: Xmas

### Characters (in order of appearance)

Forescore Jones, The Christophers, Three Eyed Kid, Allon, BF4L Kid, Luzini, Bagel, Black Kid, Psycom, The Commander

## Credits

### Credits

none

Forescore Jones saves Christmas.

## Transcript

*{open to Forescore Jones wearing a beard in front of a shopping mall)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** Christmas time is the worst time of year for junior zombie attacks, and that is why I, Santa Claus *("Santa Claus- Hunter... of the undead" appears next to him)*, am here at this shopping place to put a stop to try and put a stop to try to put a stop to these zombie kids before they grow into hormone-filled zombie teenagers!

*(cut to Forescore walking through the mall)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** The people you really gotta watch out for are the ones who say "Xmas" instead of "Christmas".

*(cut to him in front of a diagram of a baby saying "Xmas")*

**FORESCORE JONES:** No matter what their age, *(he flips the diagram to show a zombie saying "Xmas")* they are guaranteed to be a zombie, or at the very least, *(flips the paper thing over to reveal a snake)* some kind of serpent.

*(cut to F. Jonesizzle riding one of those coin-activated cars)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** These zombies know full well that the "Christ" is there for a reason: to celebrate the birth of Chris. Speaking of which, here he comes right now.

*(enter the Chirstophers)*

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** Hello there, Forescore.

**FORESCORE JONES:** *(walking up to him/them)* I'm going by "Santa" today, Christopher. Don't ruin the illusion for the kids, even if they are zombies.

**CHIRSTOPHER 1:** Oh, OK then. *("Christopher 1- Probably not a Zombie" appears next to him)* Well, we're here to help you out with this "undercover sting" you've got going here.

**CHRISTOPHER 2:** *("Christopher 2- Probably not retarded" appears; holds up a walkie-talkie)* I brought my walkie-talkie just in case our cover is blown by the Feds, or something.

**FORESCORE JONES:** That's some smart thinking. And by the way, happy birthday, Chris. Same to you, Christopher 2.

**CHRISTOPHER 2:** Thanks, Forescore, but I'm actually Jewish.

*(Chris 1 & F.J. go wide-eyed for a second, then cut to Fore... er, Santa Claus in front of "Santa's house" on a chair; a 3-eyed alien kid jumps onto his lap)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** So, kid, what do *you* want for this holiday season?

**3-EYED KID:** You mean Christmas?

**FORESCORE JONES:** Yes, that's exactly what I mean.

**3-EYED KID:** Well, I'd like a Mace Windu figurine... and an Xbox 360.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Did you just say an XBOX *350*?!?

**3-EYED KID:** No, 3*60*!

**FORESCORE JONES:** Oh, that's OK, then. Your story checks out. You can have a present from the good pile.

*(the kid jumps off his lap, and walks over to the Christophers, dressed like elves. they hand the kid a present)*

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** Here you go, kid.

*(cut to Allon on F.J.'s lap)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** So what in the hell do you want for Christmas?

**ALLON:** You mean "Xmas"?

**FORESCORE JONES:** YOU ARE SO DEAD.

**ALLON:** I was just kidding, Santa! Um, I want a jam... and cheese and meatball sub for **Christmas**. I would never really say "Xmas".

**FORESCORE JONES:** Well... as long as you don't want an apple sub, I guess we're cool. But you better take a present from the bad pile.

**ALLON:** Aw, friggin Santa!*(he walks away)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** You watch your language around Santa Claus!

*(cut to Allon, recieving a present)*

**CHRISTOPHER 2:** Ha ha, you're bad.

**ALLON:** Shut up, Frodo!

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** Frodo isn't an elf.

**ALLON:** Shut up, Dumbledore...

*(cut to the BF4L Kid in Forescore's lap)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** So kid, what do *you* want to get from Sandy Claus?

**BF4L KID:** You're not the *real* Santa.

**FORESCORE JONES:** ... *(leans in, and whispers)* Fuck you.

**BF4L KID:** *(leaping off his lap)* Hey, everyone! He's not the real Santa! He's a fake Santa! Look at his fake beard! *(he tears off Forescore's beard)*

*(all the kids waiting in line are shocked)*

*(cut to Allon, about to cry, who got a "Stacked" DVD)*

**ALLON:** I can't believe Santa lied to me!

*(cut to the Commander, who was in line, but is now walking away)*

**COMMANDER:** Man, I'm not sitting on the lap of some fake Santa. That'd just be gay!

*(cut back to Forescore)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** There's only one type of person who's able to see through my Santa disguise! And that person is a... zombie... person. So- So you're a zombie is what I'm getting at.

**BF4L KID:** You're not the *real* Santa.

**FORESCORE JONES:** Chirstophers, help me restrain the suspect!

**CHRISTOPHER 1:** *(walking away)* Uh, sorry, Forescore, but I'm too old for this shit.

**CHRISTOPHER 2:** *(into walkie-talkie)* This is Agent Chris-Cross! We need a pick-up down at the shopping place!

**FORESCORE JONES:** Son of a bitch! I KNEW you were on their side!

**BF4L KID:** Ha ha! You'll never catch me now, Fake Santa!

*(F.J. stares, then shoots BF4L Kid in the head, leaving a big hole. Forescore Jones then leans over, and tastes the blood forming a pool around the (now dead) BF4L kid)*

**FORESCORE JONES:** Tastes like zombie blood to me! Looks like Forescore Jones has saved Christmas once again! *(he smiles, revealing blood on his teeth)*

*(freeze-frame; "THE END" appears at the bottom)*

## Fun Facts

* When it was uploaded to Youtube the title of this episode was changed to Forescore Jones Saves Christmas.
* The word "feds" is slang for agents of the Federal Bureau of Investigations in the states.
* In the updates box on the front page of spacetree.com, this episode was called "Forescore Jones Xmas Cartoon."
* This is the first special episode to have the "F word" and "S word" uncensored. This is the third time of all episodes where the f-word goes uncensored, joining Hand Shake and Frame Game.
* This is the first episode to show the Commander from the front.
* In the TV series Futurama, the word "Christmas" is an archaic pronunciation so people instead use the word "Xmas."
* The stores that Forescore passes are "Pole Pal", "Fisch", "Butthole Video", and "Key."
* Bagel (the little girl with the number "7" on her shirt) is from Ed Atlin's webcomic Where's My Shoe?

## Goofs

* The BF4L-Kid didn't become any older in the 10 years that passed between this episode and Fight Right, therefore proving that he is a zombie.
	+ Or maybe Ed is just too lazy to create new characters.

## References

* Psycom is wearing the Commander's "I'm 12" shirt from Career Fear.
* Forescore's displeasure about the idea of an apple sub is a reference to his claim that apples are a tool of Satan from Forescore Jones: Undercover.

* Mace Windu is a Jedi Knight from the *Star Wars* prequel trilogy.
* The XBox 360 is a video game console.
* Frodo is a character from the *The Lord of the Rings* Trilogy. He is in fact a hobbit, not an elf.
* Dumbledore is a character from the Harry Potter book series. He is a human wizard, not an elf.
* *Stacked* is a TV show about Pamela Anderson working in a book store.
* The whole story about Forescore hunting people who say "Xmas" refers to the so-called War on Christmas where some conservatives complained about people "taking Christ out of Christmas" by saying "Xmas" instead of "Christmas". Of course, Forescore does the same thing by using terms like "Sandy Claus" and "Holiday Season" and by referring the "Christ" in "Christmas" to The Christophers.