Money Madness/Transcript

(The episode starts in the Spammers’ lair. Everyone is battered, bruised and tired.)

Kitchen: Argh. I’d blame Whickey for my pain but I’m too exhausted.

Maps: Yeah. I need a break from messing with that candle.

Whickey: Maybe we should do what they did and go on vacation.

Ivanmaste: Good idea!

(Gyux comes out of his room, looking like someone from Hawaii, including swim trunks and sunglasses.)

Flames: I’m with the rest of you.

Kitchen: Really wish Dyaboy could invent some everlasting sunscreen…

Whickey: Who cares about that loser? He killed the UCP we worked very hard to revive! Maps can do it, right?

Maps: Absolutely!

Whickey: Great. Now let’s go pack.

(Theme song plays. Afterwards, the scene changes to the Candle House, where the Main 4 watch TV.)

Mystic: I’m bored.

Limefong: Me too.

Candle Man: But we’re watching the Peppa Show!

Everyone else: EXACTLY!

Limefong: I want to go fight the Spammers!

Shaduck: Yeah! They oughta be up to something, right?

(They look outside to see, but no one is causing any trouble. It is a perfect day.)

Shaduck: Everything’s… okay?

Candle Man: This isn’t right.

Mystic: Well, I have an idea! Let’s go bring the fight to them!

Candle Man/Limefong/Shaduck: YEAH!

(They run to the Spammers’ lair and pound on the door. No one answers.)

Mystic: Huh, that’s strange.

Shaduck: Ey, CM, mind if I do this?

Candle Man: Do what?

(Shaduck pushes Candle Man’s face against the door.)

Candle Man: (Muffled.) Oh, I get ya. CANDLE VISION!

(Candle Vision activates. Candle Man gets to see past the door. Inside the lair it’s dark, with no signs that anyone is inside.)

Candle Man: Well, I learned two things. (Pushes himself away from the door.) One, this door tastes disgusting, and two, it appears that one is home at all.

Limefong: Perhaps they’re on vacation from after that whole UCP drama.

Shaduck: That could be it, but what does that leave us?

(The Candle Friends’ eyes shrink in horror and start sweating when they realize what that leaves them with the Spammers on vacation.)

Candle Friends: No money.

Candle Man: WE HAVE NO MONEY! WE HAVE NO MON-

(To make him shush, Mystic obtains the frying pan via magic and smacks Candle Man on the back of the head with it. He angrily stares at Mystic.)

Candle Man: What was that for?!

Mystic: I’m pretty sure no one wants to hear your whining at this hour.

Candle Man: But that doesn’t excuse you hitting me with the (whack) frying (whack) pan!

Mystic: Will you just shush?! I’ll do it until you pass out if you keep it up.

Limefong: Can we all just stop?! (Snatches the frying pan.) Look, I’ve been saving money at the bank in case the Spammers went and did something like this. We’ll just withdraw from it until they come back!

Shaduck: Good idea!

(Cuts to the bank. Limefong is using an ATM at the front of the bank, while everyone else watches. A negative beep is heard, causing Limefong to bang on the machine in anger.)

Mystic: What’s up?

Limefong: The ATM is telling me I have no saved money! Someone must have withdrawn with it already!

(Slowly, everyone turns around to look at Candle Man, who sweats.)

Candle Man: I RAN OUT OF EGGPLANT MONEY!

Shaduck: Well, nice going, Candle Man. Now we gotta get a job!

Limefong: But who would hire a candle who just lazes around all day doing nothing, a retired queen with no prospects, a sub-average intelligence duck, and a dog who’s been arrested?

(Cuts to the circus.)

Ringmaster: Sure, we’ll hire you! We need someone to clean up the elephant poop anyway!

(Everyone but Shaduck has already left.)

Shaduck: DARN YOU ALL!

(Cuts to the Candle House. Candle Man stares at the Help Wanted ads.)

Candle Man: Oh! Here’s one at the comic book store!

Shaduck: Why can’t we take the one at Sparrow’s Crows Nest?

Mystic: I’m not working in a fast food diner.

Limefong: I’ve already done that.

Shaduck: Alright, then how about the one at the skating rink?

Mystic: You already did that.

Shaduck: No, not the ice rink, the roller rink!

Candle Man: Eh, I think that’s a worse place to work.

Shaduck: How bout the subwa-

Candle Man: NO! NOT THERE! ANYTHING BUT THE SUBWAY!

Mystic: Can you even work at the subway?

Limefong: Beats me.

Shaduck: Wait! (Points at an ad.) Look! “Four workers needed at clothing store. High pay, but no skills necessary!” This is perfect!

Mystic: Are you sure we’ll get hired?

Candle Man: I dunno. This job slot is so perfect, I’m surprised no one has taken it yet.

Shaduck: Let’s call in and find out.

(Limefong takes his cell phone and dials the number to the clothing store. Garbled speech is heard.)

Limefong: Yes, we’re calling in about your help wanted ad? It is? We can? That’s great! We’ll see you then. Bye.

(He hangs up.)

Candle Man: So?

Limefong: Turns out they posted the ad this morning! We’re the first that called about it, and we can go get interviewed!

(Everyone cheers.)

Limefong: There’s just one problem. Candle Man needs to wear some clothes.

Candle Man: NO! I’M NOT PUTTING ON CLOTHES!

Shaduck: Oh, come on. We need this job!

Candle Man: You guys can go on without me. I don’t want to work at a place that requires clothes!

Limefong: Either you’ll put them on, or we’ll do it for you.

Candle Man: Go ahead. Do your wor-

(Cuts to Candle Man in one of Shaduck’s shirts and a pair of Limefong’s pants. They are walking up to BJ Max, the clothing store.)

Candle Man: I feel like a fusion.

Limefong: Oh, be quiet.

(They enter the store. Candle Man tenses at the sight of clothes surrounding him.)

Candle Man: I don’t like this, guys.

Mystic: Oh hush up. I need the money!

Shaduck: We need the money, too!

Candle Man: Fine, but we’re going through the shoe aisle.

(They pass through, Pesron working in the background, and locate the job interview room. They go in and sit down, a brown haired woman in a sweater and glasses sitting on the opposite side of the table.)

Woman: Hello.

Candle Man: Who are you?

Woman: I’m Sherri Max, the granddaughter of BJ Max.

Candle Man: Oh, cool. I’m Candle Man. That’s (gestures) Mystic, (gestures again) Shaduck, and (one last gesture) Limefong.

Sherri: Hello, you four. Let’s begin the interview.

(Silence.)

Candle Man: Uhhh, interview?

Shaduck: I thought they’d just give us the job.

Mystic: Me too.

Limefong: (Facepalms.) No, they need to know our qualifications!

Shaduck: Qualifications?

Limefong: Jeah! Reasons why you are eligible to have the job!

Mystic: Eligible?

Limefong: You know, gaining access to the job!

Candle Man, Mystic, and Shaduck: Access?

Limefong: I’ll just take that job.

Sherri: Deal.

(Candle Man, Mystic, and Shaduck all return home, Limefong staying at BJ Max to apply for the job. Scene cuts to Candle Man, Shaduck, and Mystic.)

Candle Man: Shall we try that comic book store?

Shaduck: Comic book store? I guess.

Candle Man: Says here they only want one person.

Shaduck: Then that person will be me!

(The scene changes to Shaduck at the entrance of the comic book store. A leaf flies by and smacks Shaduck on the face.)

Shaduck: Stupid leaf…

(Shaduck walks into the comic book store, which makes a bell sound as he walks in.)

Shaduck: Whoa.

(Several displays of pop culture are on the walls and shelves. A poster of “The Revengers: Eternal Battle” is on one wall, and on another is a poster of “Galactic Battleground XV: The Fight of Fates”. Bobbleheads and figurines are scattered on the top of bookshelves, with DVDs and video games on the shelves themselves. Drawers of comic books are in the back, with volumes on another bookshelf next to them. Finally, a filled display case with a register on it is set on the left in front of a back room. A young man only a year or two older than Shaduck sits at the register, looking at a computer in a swivel chair.)

Shaduck: Uhm, hello?

Young man: What can I do you for?

Shaduck: I’m here for that job interview…?

Young man: You’re out of luck. Someone’s already (points at the back room door) in there-

(Shaduck jumps over the counter, slams the door open, and storms in.)

Shaduck: (Offscreen.) SCRAM!

(Goxic is thrown out of the room, and the door slams. Cuts to the Candle House.)

Candle Man: Now it’s just us.

Mystic: What do we do?

(Cuts to the ad in the newspaper that says “Sparrow’s Crows Nest”, then fades to Candle Man and Mystic, dressed in silly outfits, deep-frying french fries at the back of the restaurant.)

Mystic: This is so gross.

Candle Man: Shut up.

(The guy next to them turns around.)

Guy: I used to be on french fries like you guys. (Shows that he’s frying something else.) Now I’m on fish sticks. Soon I’ll be on fish patties. In a couple of years, I’ll make assistant manager. And that’s where the big bucks start rolling in.

Candle Man and Mystic: UGH.

(Cuts to Limefong, who now has a BJ Max outfit on, and is walking to his area.)

Limefong: (Looking at a map.) Alrighty, I’m in men’s… underwear? Uh, okay.

(He turns the corner and right in front of him is…)

Limefong: (Small voice.) Dog toys.

(He starts being pulled to it, but he stops himself.)

Limefong: No, Limefong. Fight it.

(He strains himself for quite a few seconds-)

Limefong: I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

(He zooms toward the aisle. Offscreen, large clattering can be heard, and a few squeaky balls tumble across the screen. Cuts to Shaduck, wearing a name tag on his shirt, stocking shelves with comic books. A few of the comic books are “Darth Hater” issue 12, “Galactic Battleground” issue 13, “Doctor Aflac” issue 10, and “Revengers: A New Stone” issue 1. A teenager comes up behind him. He has thick glasses and a lisp.)

Teenager: Ish that perhapsh the new Revengersh?

Shaduck: Uh… (looks at the cover of the comic in his hands) yeah?

Teenager: Which sheriesh ish it? Ish it Z-Shquad, or ish it A New Shtone?

Shaduck: I dunno… aren’t they pretty much the same thing?

(The teenager gasps, then angrily snatches the comic from Shaduck’s hand and one from inside the box Shaduck was stocking with.)

Teenager: I’ll jusht take both, thank you very much!

(He storms away. Cuts to Candle Man and Mystic. They are both frying fries, when Candle Man accidentally splashes Mystic with hot oil.)

Mystic: OW! HEY! WATCH IT!

Candle Man: Sorry.

(They go back to working, but then Candle Man smirks and splashes Mystic with more.)

Mystic: HEY!

(Candle Man laughs.)

Mystic: You’re gonna get it now!

(She dumps her fries and the frying oil all down his pants. Candle Man screams in pain.)

Candle Man: MYSTIC!

Mystic: Well I had to do it, you twerp.

Candle Man: Hmph.

(They continue working, but soon it turns into a fry war, both of them throwing the contents of their fryers at each other.)

Mystic: Yaknow, I’ve heard that fried candle make for a fine lunch!

Candle Man: Oh yeah?

Mystic: Yeah!

Manager: (From his room.) What’s going on in there?! Do I need to come in and check on you?!

Candle Man: No, sir, we’re completely- (gets hit with hot fries) OW! Fine. (Towards Mystic.) What is with you doing this to me?!

Mystic: You started it!

Candle Man: Well I’m going to end it.

(Cuts to Limefong, who has torn up the entire dog toy aisle.)

Limefong: Well, that wasn’t good. Better hope Sherri doesn’t-

Sherri: (Offscreen.) Limefong? Where are you? You’re not at your post.

Limefong: Oh no…

(Sherri turns the corner and sees the aisle, but shows that Limefong isn’t there.)

Sherri: I should probably make an Anti-Pets rule.

(Limefong has slipped into the aisle. He sighs in relief.

(The scene cuts to Shaduck, who has finished stocking the shelves and is now straightening the merchandise on the bookshelves. He goes over to a glass case, housing figurines worth hundreds of dollars, and opens it. He smells the inside and wrinkles his nose.)

Shaduck: Eugh! I need to leave this open. The case certainly has no ventilation.

(He walks away. Soon after, someone walks into the store. He sees the case being open, snatches a figurine of Darth Anarchus, and leaves the store. Shaduck sees this.)

Shaduck: HEY! HE JUST STOLE A FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR FIGURINE!

Cashier: THEN GET IT BACK!

(Shaduck runs out of the store, trying to get the figurine back. The man gets into his car.)

The man: He’ll never catch me now! (Tries to start the car but it doesn’t start.) Darn it.

(Shaduck busts into the car and beats up the burglar, but stops when he sees the figurine fall out of his hand and break on the parking lot ground.)

Shaduck: NO!

(He throws the burglar into his own trunk and runs off with the broken figurine.)

Shaduck: It just needs a little glue. It just needs a little glue…

(Cuts to the cashier stuffing a bill into Shaduck’s face.)

Cashier: It just needs a little money.

(Cuts to Candle Man and Mystic, who are coated in fries and oil. The guy from earlier is at the register, and a customer is furious on the other side.)

Customer: WHERE ARE MY FRIES?!

Guy: I’m sorry! We seem to be all out! (Turns around. To Candle Man and Mystic.) Guys, where are the fries?!

Candle Man: Don’t worry! Don’t worry! I got this!

(He takes a dozen fries from off his body and dumps them onto the customer’s tray.)

Guy: (Angry.) You two…

Mystic: Uh oh.

(Cuts to Candle Man and Mystic being kicked out of the restaurant. Cuts to Limefong, who is now at his post. He seems calm and relaxed.)

Limefong: I don’t even need to do anything! These people just come in, take a package of whatever’s here, and go!

(He sighs and leans back on his chair, but when he opens his eyes, he sees a picture of the men’s underwear models.)

Limefong: Eugh. Maybe if I turn around…

(There is a picture there, too.)

Limefong: Maybe I can go to another desk in the area…

(But it’s too late. He grows stressed and scared as he hallucinates the underwear coming closer to him. He screams.)

Limefong: I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!

(Screaming, he tears up all of the pictures and the underwear being sold there. While he does it, however, he sees Sherri, who witnessed the whole thing.)

Limefong: …Hi?

(Cuts to Limefong being kicked out of the department store. Scene changes to the Candle House. Shaduck walks in, happy, and sees his other roommates slumping on the couch.)

Shaduck: What’s wrong?

Mystic: We got (throwing the apron off of her) fired!

Candle Man: Did you?

Shaduck: No.

Limefong: Yes! How much money did you make us?

Shaduck: (Slamming it on the table in triumph.) Two whole dollars!

Candle Man, Mystic, and Limefong: WHAT?!

Candle Man: We can’t survive on two dollars!

Shaduck: What about the stuff in the fridge?

Limefong: We ate it all.

Candle Man: We were so stressed that we wouldn’t have anything to eat!

Shaduck: You ate the remainder of our food because you were scared that we wouldn’t have anything to eat?

Mystic: In hindsight it was a bad idea.

Candle Man: We still have one more thing we can do.

Limefong: What’s that?

Candle Man: Go fight the Spammers!

Mystic: They’re still on vacation, you idiot.

Candle Man: No, I mean we’ll fight them on vacation!

Limefong: Good idea!

Shaduck: But how will we get to the Spammers in time?

Candle Man: Oh, you know. Using the speed of light of course.

Mystic: You do realize that they went across the ocean, right?

Candle Man: Oh. Never mind then.

Mystic: No worries. I have a better idea.

(Cuts to Shaduck, outside, with the others tied to him.)

Shaduck: I still resent this idea.

Mystic: Shut your trap and fly.

(Shaduck sighs, but then starts flying. He is obviously weighed down by the other three’s weight.)

Shaduck: Wait a second! (Breathing heavily.) Mystic, can’t you fly?!

Mystic: Yeah, but I’d rather see you suffer.

Shaduck: UGH!

(Cuts to Shaduck, who has successfully flown to the Candle Friends’ old vacation spot. He lands, incredibly exhausted, and collapses on the ground.)

Shaduck: PHWAH!

Candle Man: Thanks, Shaduck!

Mystic: Thanks!

Shaduck: You’re paying for my hospital bills.

Limefong: Shaduck, come on! We’re here!

Candle Man: And look!

(Cuts to a view of the Spammers, who are mere feet away. All wear bathing suits, Flames even wearing despite his constant nakedness. Luis still wears his robes, but has a tiny umbrella on his head. Whickey sees.)

Whickey: Oh no. Not here. NOT NOW!

Candle Man: Get ready to get your sunburnt butts kicked, Spammers!

Flames: Can’t you buzz off, fiery fool?

Limefong: No! Let’s fight!

(Shaduck gets up, and the groups fight each other. Kitchen squeezes sunscreen into Mystic’s eyes. She screams, but she manages to knock the makeshift weapon out of her rival’s hands and use it against her.)

Candle Man: Guys, they have no weapons!

Limefong: Let’s get ‘em!

(Candle Man grabs Gyux and Book, ties them up, and puts them on a rotisserie, lighting a fire underneath them. Shaduck, still tired, just falls over, but Flames and Ivanmaste trip over him after running from Mystic. Limefong slimes Maps and Whickey and throws them out to sea. They are then circled by sharks. Mystic jams Secretky into an umbrella and closes it. Finally, Luis draws his broomstick, but after seeing what the others have ready for him, a lobster trap and a few bricks, he drops it and runs.)

Candle Man: Oh no you don’t!

(The Candle Friends grab all of the Spammers, and Mystic and Shaduck take them all into the sky, the Spammers screaming. Cuts to them landing in Wikia. Mystic and Shaduck both flop over, and the Spammers run away.)

Whickey: YOU’LL PAY FOR RUINING OUR VACATION!

Candle Man: No, we’ll get paid!

(Fades to the Spammers at their lair. They are all battered and bruised like at the beginning, except now they’re all sunburnt.)

Whickey: Stupid Candle Friends. They disrupted our R&R just for some more money.

Kitchen: I mean, don’t tell me that’s their only source of income!

Maps: Yeah. It is.

Flames: How is that possible? Do they seriously think that they’ll make enough money every month just by beating us up? They let us go! They shouldn’t get any money for that!

Book: But because they let us go, we can think about revenge!

Whickey: Orrrrrrr we could just leave a wad of cash on their doorstep and go back to our vacation.

Luis: Let’s do that.

(Cuts to the Candle Friends all at home. The Darth Anarchus figurine is glued together on the coffee table and the four roommates relax.)

Candle Man: It’s good to have money again.

Mystic: I know, and here I thought I was going to break the daily streak of giving Luna her sugarcubes.

Limefong: Though it raises the question: What’s Shaduck gonna do with his job?

(Cuts to Shaduck, who walks into the comic book store owner’s office.)

Shaduck: Sir, (slamming down a paper) I quit.

Owner: (Talking fast.) Quit? Quit? No, you can’t quit! You handled that robber like it was bubble wrap! Pop pop pop, you went! Besides, those bobbleheads look great! You straightened them like a sensei! And you’re really doing well with our managing business! You’re almost like some Peter kid that worked here all those years ago! Now stocking shelves is really boring, but I once had a friend who made a game out of it! See, he-

(Shaduck sighs loudly. Episode ends.)