recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Episode 27: A Cat to Yarn, A Bird to Folly

**Episode 27: A Cat to Yarn, a Bird to Folly** is the seventh episode of the third season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*.

## Characters

* The Emperor
* Kitten
* Magnus the Red
* Rogal Dorn
* Indrick Boreale
* Apollo Diomedes
* Karstodes
* Custodisi
* Wamuudes
* Hammurabi Unferth
* The Lockwarden
* Santodes
* Lrak
* Abducted Chronicler
* Dark Mechanicum Priest
* Cherubs

## Trivia

* The argument over scones between Boreale and Diomedes is based on a real life twitter argument that Alfabusa had. In Sweden, scones are savory and eaten with butter and cheese, making them "sandwiches," whereas in Britain, they are sweet and eaten with cream and jam.
News and Announcements

Breaking news and information! This page will update with the latest videos and announcements from the cast.

## Videos

Next announced video: *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device* Episode 26 Part 2

Most recent video: Episode 26 Part 1: Hateful Feud at Khaine's Gate

Most recent podcast: Episode 2: The Black Templars

A new game of Upper Hive has been announced after episode 26.

## Newest Articles

### Characters

* Helbrecht

* Great Horned Rat
* Eldrad Ulthran
* Asdrubael Vect
* Sylandri Veilwalker
* Inriam's Spectre
* Timothy

### Cast

* Takahata101
* Fredrik Knudsen
* AkiGlancy

## Other

1. ↑ https://twitter.com/Alfabusa/status/920731836795555840
Ollanius Pius

**Ollanius Pius** was a soldier who sacrificed himself to save the Emperor in his final duel with Horus. He has since faded into legend and has become a patron saint of the Imperial Guard.

## Official Canon

There are no official accounts of Ollanius Pius in imperial records, only many versions of legends told by the Guard. The true story, however, is slowly being told in the Horus Heresy series of novels.

Pius' true name is Ollanius Persson, though he is sometimes called "Pious Persson" as he's one of the few remaining Catholics in the galaxy. He is also a perpetual, who has been alive since ancient times and fought in Verdun in WWI. Other than being extremely old, he is an otherwise normal human being, possessing no superhuman strength like Vulkan, or psychic powers like the Emperor. By the time of the Horus Heresy, he had retired in Calth, but was present for the Word Bearers' betrayal of the Ultramarines, and re-enlisted. As the war progressed, Persson started having premonitions of his encounter with Horus.

Persson's story hasn't been told in full yet, but according to the legend, he was present during the Siege of Terra and somehow found his way into Horus' lair, in spite of its extremely hostile environment. During Horus' duel with the Emperor, Ollanius intervened and confronted Horus. Horus killed him using his Chaos enhanced psychic powers, though this gave the Emperor the chance he needed to kill Horus.

## TTS Canon

The Emperor clarified that while there were many conflicting stories of what exactly happened during his duel with Horus, the true story was that Ollanius was the one who sacrificed himself for the Emperor, and not wanting to be upstaged, an Astartes Terminator and a Custodes (identified as Santodes) also threw themselves at Horus. The Emperor was proud of Ollanius Pius, but was unhappy with the Terminator and Custodes who threw their lives away and wouldn't let an ordinary human have his moment of glory.
Starass

**Starass** is an Asstropath from Attila.

## TTS Canon

Starass is the only astropath on all of Atilla; as the King of Khanasan noted, "the equine tongue has no way of wording the concept of planetary annihilation." Fortunately, Vulkan was able to use the power of friendship to become one with Starass and warn the Imperial fleets.
Episode 21: Still Alive

**Episode 21: Still Alive** is the 1st episode in the third season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*.

## Appearances

* The Emperor
* Little Kitten
* Magnus the Red
* Rogal Dorn
* Leman Russ
* Corvus Corax
* Fyodor Karamazov
* Dominique
* Kaldor Draigo
* Grand Master Elirush
* Inquisitor Donklas
* Inquisitor Adrielle Quist
* Marneus Calgar
* Cato Sicarius
* Uriel Ventris
* Random Ultramarines
Jokaero

**Jokaero** are an obscure race of cybernetic primates created by the Old Ones long ago. Much like the Orks, they have an inherent understanding of technology, the difference being that they are capable of creating technology that is far more sophisticated. Despite this, it's not clear that they are actually fully sapient.

Jokaero are extremely hard to get a hold of; in part because they are so rare, but also because their technology makes it extremely difficult to keep one in any one place. Nonetheless, some Inquisitors have found success in keeping a Jokaero in their retinue as a powerful ally.

In TTS, Jokaero are referred to as "techno-monkeys" and appear in multiple places. Torquemada Coteaz has an army of Jokaero that he deploys from wooden barrels, which he used during the siege of the Imperial Palace. A Jokaero cardinal was spotted in the Ecclesiarchal palace, as well. Another Jokaero is seen in the retinue of Inquisitor Headsmash.

## References

1. ↑ Episode 4: The Inquisition
2. ↑ Episode 17: Emperor's Excellent Autobiography
3. ↑ Short 4: Decius breaks the News
4. ↑ Episode 26 Part 2: Fear and Loathing in Commorragh
If The Emperor had a Podcast

***If The Emperor Had a Podcast*** is a spinoff show that was introduced in Episode 25 of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*. The podcast features the Emperor reading books that Custodisi and Wamuudes have gathered from the Black Library (which coincidentally are identical to real-world Warhammer 40,000 books). Various characters may appear as well.

The podcast is presented as a public Vox broadcast to inform the ignorant masses of the Imperium about history, as well as noting the discrepancies and continuity errors between different books (especially those of the older editions of Warhammer 40,000, and particularly old "Chapter Approved" fluff). Novels, meanwhile, are noted to have an eerily omniscient narrator that defies explanation (and usually they butcher the author's name).

The Podcast also serves as a replacement for the in-universe Q&A videos (episodes 12.5 and 18.5) as each Podcast episode has a final segment for answering user-submitted questions about various 40k topics. One ongoing theme is a dispute between the Emperor and Rogal Dorn about which day that tacos should be eaten.

## Episode List

* Episode 0: White Scars
* Episode 1: The Last Church
* Episode 2: The Black Templars
* Episode 3: Inquisitor (Draco), The First 40k Novel
Episode 1: Adorable Centurion

**Episode 1: Adorable Centurion** is the pilot episode of the series. It has a remake that features slightly longer dialogue and improved animations.

## Appearances

* The Emperor
* Little Kitten
* The Centurion
* Techpriest Toastus (remake only)

## Trivia

* The episode was originally intended as a one-off spoof of Warhammer 40,000, but the popularity of the episode allowed it to spin off into a complete series.

* Originally, the Emperor said a homophobic slur in the script. However, this was omitted from the remake, and was eventually edited out of the original video altogether.
Mogul Kamir

> *"Insult my mustache's honor again and I will DRINK FROM YOUR SKULL."*
>
>

Mogul Kamir is a captain of the Imperial Guard's Attilan Rough Riders

## Official Canon

From a young age, Mogul Kamir sought conquest, beginning with his own tribe after killing his uncle in single combat. By the time he was sixteen, he had already conquered twenty tribes and was looking for a new challenge. The King of Khanasan told him that he would find what he was looking for by joining the Imperial Guard. Since then, he's lead the Rough Riders on some of the toughest charges against the Imperium's foes. As no normal horse could survive his tenacity, he was gifted with a cyber-horse by the Adeptus Mechanicus.

## TTS Canon

Kamir and his riders run across the survivors of the crashed ship *Marbo's Glutes.* While they recognized Colonel 'Iron Hand' Straken, they didn't recognize the two Primarchs Vulkan and Corvus Corax and started stabbing Vulkan with lances. However, once they were told the situation, Kamir escorted them to Khanasan to spread the warning of the impending exterminatus. After the planet was saved, Kamir pledged his forces to the Primarchs.
Dominique

> *"Hey Fyodor, I think we're in the Warp. Make sure you clench your butthole so no heresy gets in!"*
>
>

**Dominique** was a lexmechanic attached to Fyodor Karamazov's throne of judgement along with Left-shoulder man.

## TTS Canon

Dominique spent most of his time acting like a loon, making a mockery of whatever situation he and Fyodor find themselves in. He'd also try to take credit for whatever Karamazov says. Karamazov, annoyed by his antics, would frequently tell him to be quiet. He was addicted to sandpaper cigarettes, which he claimed was what gave him his "sexy" voice.

Dominique eventually perished in the warp from daemon-alcohol overdose. However, his spirit returned for one final appearance as he guided the Star Child and Saint Celestine to Karamazov, who later thanked him for preparing Karamazov to serve as the Star Child’s vessel, suggesting that at least some of Dominique's antics were purposeful. Dominique bade Karamazov a happy new year before disappearing. After Karamazov's transformation into the Star-Fyodperor, Dominique's rotting corpse was interred into a shiny new coffin beside him.

## Quotes

* *"Hey Fyodor, look. it's that giant walking banana that tells me to burn houses down and kill things!"*
* *"Wow, this man is so deep I could drown in him."*
* *"Hey Fyodor, you should just preach them to death."*
* *"I'm sexually confused, Fyodor! Kill them all, Kill them all! Quick, left-shoulder man, shoot them while they're still sexy!"*
* *"Hey Fyodor, we're surrounded again! And this time by loads of half-naked men! It's like a ruddy ocean of bare nipples and bulging muscles.* **It's making me moist.***"*
* "HOLY SHIT, IT'S A CAT-MAN!"
* *"Hey! Hey Fyodor! Have a happy new year, pal..."*

## Trivia

* Being a lexmechanic, Dominique was technically a member of the Adeptus Mechanicus, though he is not identified as such in the story.

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Episode 18: Banished Expectations
2. ↑ Episode 10: Bold and Foolish
3. ↑ Episode 24: Of Khans and Cages
4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 Episode 26 Part 1: Hateful Feud at Khaine's Gate
5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 5.2 Episode 11: Intervention
6. ↑ Episode 15: Tau
Mortarion

**Mortarion** is the Primarch of the Death Guard, and fourteenth son of the Emperor.

## Official Canon

Mortarion was found on Barbarus, a planet covered in toxic fumes. On the highest peaks where the air was most poisonous lived the Overlord, who claimed Mortarion as his foster son. The Overlord kept him caged to acclimate to the poison, and taught him the art of war. Mortarion would later live among the farmers in the valleys, and taught them warfare too after he fended off an enemy warlord with a scythe.

Eventually the only warlord left was the Overlord himself. At this time the Emperor appeared, and challenged Mortarion to slay the Overlord alone, or swear fealty to him. Mortarion was too weak to reach the top of the peak where the Overlord lived, so the Emperor finished him off himself, earning Mortarion's undying hatred. Mortarion was given the Death Guard legion, who specialized in bio-weapons and rad-weapons, as they could endure far more harsh conditions than their brothers. He also really hated psykers, taking a leading role in the anti-psyker faction at the Council of Nikea.

### Horus Heresy

Mortarion didn't need much convincing to join Horus, having come to hate both his father and the civilian leadership of the Imperium, wanting the strong to rule over the weak. Shortly after the burning of Prospero, he unsuccessfully tried to convince Jaghatai Khan to join them. When that failed and the Khan drove him off, Mortarion picked up a daemon of Nurgle to learn how to fight Daemons. Despite his hatred for psykers, Mortarion began using psychic powers himself, and quickly became a paranoid lunatic. His first captain Typhon killed all of his navigators claiming they were loyalists, and convinced Mortarion he could travel the warp without them. This proved to be a trap however, as the Death Guard were now in the plaguefather's grip. The only way to save themselves was to swear allegiance to Nurgle. While his corruption was now complete, Mortarion began to hate himself more than ever, as he was now everything that he despised.

Mortarion became a Daemon Prince after the Heresy, when he occupied the plague planet and made it more like Barbarus. Nurgle was apparently pleased by this act of cultivation. At some point though, Kaldor Draigo carved the name of the Grey Knight Geronitan onto his heart.

## TTS Canon

The Emperor claimed "Mortarion smelled like shit from day one." Little Kitten did confirm that Kaldor Draigo had carved a name into a Daemon Primarch's heart: it has yet to be confirmed to be Mortarion in TTS Canon but it is a clear allusion to Kaldor's actions in canon.

## Gallery

Mortarion's standard cutout, by NostalgiaMortarion's angry cutout
## References

1. ↑ Episode 12: Primarch Pessimism
2. ↑ Episode 1: Adorable Centurion
Malcador the Sigilate

**Malcador** was the right-hand man of the Emperor during the Great Crusade and Horus Heresy. He was an incredibly powerful psyker and skilled leader, though was dwarfed by the Emperor in most respects. He dutifully served his master, even to the bitter end.

## Official Canon

Malcador had served the Emperor as early as the Unification Wars on Terra, and adviced him at every step of the way. He was particularly concerned with the Primarch project, and feared that the Emperor's Imperial Truth would be insufficient for guiding mankind. He was privy to nearly all of the Emperor's plans, including the Webway project, which required absolute secrecy until it was complete.

During the Great Crusade he stayed behind on Terra to administer the capital of the newborn Imperium, laying the foundation for its many institutions, including the Adeptus Astronomicon, Officio Assassinorum, and the Administratum. During the Horus Heresy, he founded the Inquisition and Knights Errant, who would become the Grey Knights.

Towards the end of the Seige of Terra, Malcador voluntarily offered up his life to power the Golden Throne and keep the broken Webway gate closed, while the Emperor would duel Horus. Malcador's soul burned away as a result, but not before allowing the Emperor to say some final words to his sons prior to his internment.

## TTS Canon

Malcador's story is almost completely in line with the official canon, although for brevity's sake he takes the Golden Throne from the Emperor immediately after presenting him with the Knights Errant.
Lucius the Eternal

> *"Hey there gal pals, it's yo boy Lucius, coming at you with another BOMB-ASS PRANK!"*
>
>

**Lucius the Eternal** is a member of the Emperor's Children, and a Champion of Slaanesh. Slaanesh has granted him a special form of immortality where if the person who slays him feels any satisfaction over the kill, that person will become the new Lucius.

## Official Canon

During the Great Crusade, Lucius was among the Emperor's Children's best swordsman. During the battle of Istvaan III, he had initially been part of the loyalist forces, but was quickly turned to Chaos partly by jealousy and partly by hearing the music of his traitor brethren and betrayed his commander.

During the Horus Heresy, Lucius was killed by one of the Raven Guard's commanders, but mysteriously rose back up from the dead. But it was after the Heresy that Slaanesh had chosen Lucius to be its champion, and anyone who slew him that felt any pride of satisfaction would become Lucius, and a new screaming face in Lucius' armor.

## TTS Canon

Lucius is even more demented and terrifying than official accounts depict. He has a falsetto, Mickey-Mouse type voice and takes great pleasure in torturing people in what he refers to as pranks. He even has his own show that he posts to Spacebook called "Lucious Lucius Prankz." Lucius attempted to create a new holiday called Slaaneshmas, but was unable to spread the holiday cheer until he teamed up with Ahriman and Fabius Bile.

## Trivia and Quotes

* Lucius’ first scene is a reference to a clip from Cryaotic’s playthrough of Rust.
* "I AM A FUCKING SAINT!"
* "SOMEONE'S BEEN A BAD LITTLE BOY"
* "IT WAS JUST A PRANK"
* "DO I FUFIL YOUR FANTASIES?~ YES I DO~, DON'T I?~"
* "HELLO LITTLE BOY. I AM A LITTLE GIRL. WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET? :D"

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Short 5: Lucious Lucius Prankz (GONE HERETICAL)
2. ↑ Episode 18: Banished Expectations
3. ↑ Special 3: The Slaaneshmas Special
Remleiz

**Remleiz** is a voice actor for *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*. His character, the tech-priest Cyberdong, is based on his own avatar that he uses on his YouTube channel 40K Theories.

He works on the channel alongside Naerina which also features the Quest for Knowledge web series which also takes place within the TTS universe, albeit with a more serious tone.

He also is a regular on the podcast, Adeptus Podcastus which he hosts alongside Tactica Imperialis and various other youtubers he invites.

Remleiz also appeared in an April Fool's video of 40K Theories being berated by the Emperor after asking if the Emperor could be remade out of cyberdongs, as well as a theory video hypothesising the true identity of Kitten, and that Billy grew up to be Kaldor Draigo. He first appeared as a voice actor in the Grey Knights discover the Wulfen short as Grey Knight number one.

## Characters

* Cyberdong
* Grey Knight #1
* Scion Priestly
Lady Malys

> *"I trust there is a very good reason for you interrupting me during my... Private hours."*
>
>

**Lady Malys** is the Archon of the Kabal of the Poisoned Tongue, and a significant rival to Commorragh's ruler, Asdrubael Vect.

## Official Canon

Lady Malys was formerly a member of Vect’s Kabal of the Black Heart, and even his lover. However, whether out of boredom or fearing her ambition, Vect cast her out. She and her followers left Commorragh for parts unknown in the Webway, until she was confronted by Cegorach, who challenged to a game of wills, with the loser cutting out their own heart. Malys won, and Cegorach disappeared, leaving behind his crystal heart and a dagger. Malys replaced her own heart with the crystal heart, and returned to Commorragh, hell-bent on revenge.

She quickly rose back up the ranks to become Archon of the Kabul of the Poisoned Tongue, and carefully planning Vect’s demise. She can be heard in the privacy of her room laughing hysterically at times.

## TTS Canon

Malys is informed of the Inquisition’s arrival into a Commorragh by Tahril. Confused as to this unforeseen event, she tells Tahril to follow them. Alone, she begins conversing with her own reflection, who is in fact Cegorach himself. She begins to laugh hysterically as her face morphs into that of Cegorach’s.

## Trivia

* Unlike the other Dark Eldar characters, Lady Malys speaks with a thick French accent. This may or may not have to do with the fact that Cegorach’s voice actor also speaks with a French accent.
* She is first seen saying random french proverbs (dubbed as "[clown speak]" in the official subtitles) in french while laughing to herself, proverbs such as "Little by little, the bird makes its nest." among others.

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Episode 26 Part 2: Fear and Loathing in Commorragh
Karl the Deranged

> *"HEY, YOU. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CELLAR? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD A CELLAR. GET THE FFFUCK OUT OF HERE. GET OUT. GO. [VIKING GROANING]"*
>
>

**Karl the Deranged**, also known as the "Oh Shit I Died" Guy, is a cast member of If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device. He plays numerous voice acting roles, but also assisted in animating the show during Season 2.

In a Q&A episode, Karl claimed to be the Emperor's previous chef, and sent an envelope full of Nurgle's Rot to show how disgruntled he was. Karl can also be seen in a green-screen cameo in the background of Special 5: Just Aeldari Things. Karl was the only member of the Alfa Legion who wasn't murdered by Magnus the Red.

Karl has his own show that crosses over with the series called Chaos Descends, as well as the Warhammer Fantasy short called "Ravendil's Quest". He also has frequent cameos at the end of TTS videos that are little more than just audio clips of him going bonkers.

## Characters Voiced

* Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard
* Marneus Calgar
* Inquisitor Javerticus
* Random Peasant
* Nurgle Daemon in Pus-covered cysts
* Lrak
* Kräkus
* Asshailer

## Character Art

* Detective Bruce Norring
* Magus
Episode 6: High Lords of Terra

**Episode 6: High Lords of Terra** is the sixth episode of the first season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*.

## Appearances

* The Emperor
* Little Kitten
* Ecclesiarch Decius XXIII
* Grand Provost Marshal
* Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard
* Master of the Administratum
* Fabricator-General of Mars
* Random Scribe
Episode 11: Intervention

**Episode 11: Intervention** is the first episode of the second season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*.

## Appearances

* The Emperor
* Little Kitten
* Fyodor Karamazov
* Dominique
* Left-shoulder man
* Ecclesiarch Decius XXIII
* Karstodes
* Custodisi
* Wamuudes
* Diavodes
* Grand Provost Marshal
* Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard
* Master of the Administratum
* Fabricator-General of Mars
* Lrak
* King Crimsodes 6:18
* Vanillaisodes 4:10
* Little Feetodes 6:26
Crazy Hassan

> *"Crazy Hassan here with discount camels! Only slightly used and ready used! Buy it now or I'll kill this goose! Hundreds of miles left in them! I've got small camels, big camels, camels with gas protection, camels with hashish holding capabilities, regular camels, and even camels that can go through snow! Buy three for the price of three!"*
>
>

**Crazy Hassan** is a used camel salesman. He is a character that had been created by /tg/ as an eccentric merchant in the style of used car salesmen. He first appeared in Chaos Descends, before appearing in TTS.

## Chaos Descends Canon

Hassan is accosted by Smarty and Numbers in the desert, and he attempts to sell them his camels. Uninterested, they threaten him with a knife asking him who's side he's on. Hassan claimed to be on "the highest bidding side," which was currently himself. He had also told them that he had sold camels to the Ultramarines. When they threatened to kill him, Hassan warned them that he would curse their genitalia with the fleas of a thousand camels. The two cultists decided to leave until they stepped outside and found that they were trapped by a massive sandstorm. Hassan offered them free camels if they put up fliers for his business.

## TTS Canon

Crazy Hassan appeared on Nocturne attempting to sell camels, but was surprised by the existence of rain and how it wasn't a camel. The Ultramarines are also shown riding camels through the Webway, presumably the same ones bought from Crazy Hassan.

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Chaos Descends Episode 2
2. ↑ Episode 25: Fiery Family Reunion
Episode 23: A Hairy Conundrum

**Episode 23: A Hairy Conumdrum** is the 3rd episode in the third season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*.

## Appearances

* The Emperor
* Little Kitten
* Magnus the Red
* Rogal Dorn
* Ecclesiarch Decius XXIII
* Grand Provost Marshal
* Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard
* Master of the Administratum
* Fabricator-General of Mars
* Karstodes
* Azrael
* Belial
* Asmodai
* Cypher
* Delphan Gruss
Episode 1: Catachan Capers

**Episode 1: Catachan Capers** is the first episode of *BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs*.

## Characters

* Vulkan
* Corvus Corax
* Kayvaan Shrike
* Tu'Shan
* He'Stan
* Kadus
* Colonel 'Iron Hand' Straken
* Gunnery Sergeant ‘Stonetooth’ Harker
* Sly Marbo
* Masque of Slaanesh
* Astropath Sassafras
* Brainghost Ferrus
* Barbican Serf
* Catachan Fang Wielder
* Night Reaper Wielder
* DEVIL'S CLAAAAAW Wielder
* Daemonettes

## Trivia

* This episode is the first to use the new annotations providing context and lore for various terms that get mentioned.
* In the credits, Kiwi's name is linked to the wikipedia article for biscuits and gravy instead of his youtube channel.
* In one of the outtakes, instead of laughing, Magnus says "Look at this cookie I found."
* At the end of the episode, one of the Jungle Fighters says "If only drill instructor Barnes could see me now!" This is a line from NPCs in Half Life: Opposing Force.
A Distressing Journey Into The Emperor's Canals - Vox-Logs

**A Distressing Journey Into The Emperor's Canals - Vox-Logs** is a special episode of the third season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*.

## Trivia

* This video is the first "appearance" of the Sisters of Silence in the series; though, since it is audio only and the Sisters do not speak, they don't have much of a tangible presence outside of Wamuudes' narration.
Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka

> "*Oi! I got a joke for you. Whatdya call a cheap tooth-removal? A RIP-OFF!*"
>
>

**Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka** is the leader of the Goffs clan, and the Warboss with the single largest army of Orks in modern history.

## Official Canon

Ghazghkull had been an ordinary Ork until he started receiving visions from Gork & Mork that he would lead the greatest Ork horde to conquer the galaxy. Ghazghkull started winning battles and gaining forces until WAAAGH! Ghazghkull became the largest Ork WAAAGH! since the War of the Beast.

Twice, Ghazghkull attacked the planet Armageddon, an important industrial world, and secretly the planet Ullanor, the capital of the old Ork empire. While these massive battles caused much havoc, they failed to take the planet. He is currently a journey to start Rangok, the Greatest WAAAGH! that will ever exsit

## TTS Canon

Ghazghkull has arrived at the Ork empire of Octarius to secure the empire's forces as his own after defeating its overfiend, Blaktoof. He spared Blaktoof to enlighten him about the word of Gork & Mork.

## Trivia

* Alfabusa noted that Thraka’s appearance is far too early in the story, as he intended to give him more set-up before he became relevant to the main plot.

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Episode 18: Banished Expectations
Warpchat

The **Warpchat** is a warp-based instant message client for Spessbook that the deities of the Warp use to converse with each other. The scenes were written by Dr. White and were originally intended for a spinoff series.

Rooms available on the Warpchat include:

* **3Y3-OF-T3RR3R@~WARPCHAT** - The one seen used most frequently
* **THE-FOOL****@~WEBWAYCHAT**
* **CREEEEEEEEED@~SanctPsykerNet**
* **ParadoxPoker****@~WARPCHAT**

The following characters with their screen names are:

 Tzeentch | MasterOfPlans
Episode 26 Part 1: Hateful Feud at Khaine's Gate

**Episode 26 Part 1: Hateful Feud at Khaine's Gate** is the sixth episode of the third season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*. The episode was divided into two parts due to its length, being approximately an hour in total time.

## Characters

* The Emperor
* Rogal Dorn
* Leman Russ
* Kaldor Draigo
* Fyodor Karamazov
* Inquisitor Adrielle Quist
* Grand Master Elirush
* Inquisitor Donklas
* Skarbrand
* Kairos Fateweaver
* Epidemius
* Masque of Slaanesh
* Calato
* Wilford
* Dominique
* Scion Grant
* Scion Valentine
* Scion Matilda
* Scion Priestly
* Tempestor Cromwell
* Scion Stuart
* Canoness Albia Thorne
* Saint Celestine
* The Star Child

## Trivia

* The battle sequence is based on an actual tabletop fight between Alfabusa and Eliphas. This battle was in "Meat Grinder Mode" where the Imperial army had to survive six turns against endless hordes of daemons.
* Before being broken into multiple parts, this episode was originally called "Fear and Loathing in Commorragh" as seen with the episode thumbnail pinned to Alfabusa's twitter. The title is instead used on Part 2.
Commander Farsight

**Commander Farsight** is a veteran Fire Warrior who leads the Farsight Enclaves, an independant splinter faction of the Tau.

## Official Canon

Farsight's name is O'Shovah, and had been a key leader during the Damocles Crusade against the Imperium of Man. An independent thinker who fought aggressivley in close combat, he was already set apart by his peers. Though he studied directly under the Tau's greatest military teacher Puretide, he refused to be implanted with the Puretide Engram when he realized that it removed free will and that the Tau's strategies had not yet been adapted to the enemy's psychic abilities, nor the aggressive fighting style favored by the Orks. The engram also left the commanders braindead when removed.

After the war ended when the Tyranids entered the galaxy, Farsight founded his own enclave when he first encountered Daemons. Due to the stubborn unwillingness of the Ethereals to acknowledge or confront Chaos, as well as his increasing disillusionment with the Ethereals in general, the Farsight Enclaves operated independently. Farsight was declared a renegade by the Tau, with all his honors removed and was to be captured on sight.

At some point Farsight acquired an ancient artifact called the Dawn Blade, a powerful sword that unbeknownst to him extended his lifespan with every enemy he slew. He has far exceeded the meager Tau lifespan and continues to lead the Farsight Enclaves to this day.

## TTS Canon

Farsight is only mentioned by name, but the Emperor has shown willingness to ally with the Farsight Enclaves, as he finds them the most honorable and sensible group among the Tau and reject the brainwashing of the Ethereal caste (though mostly it's because Farsight fights with a really cool sword).

Farsight and his allies speak exclusively in Japanese and spouts off anime cliches.

## References

1. ↑ Episode 15: Tau
2. ↑ Farsight Enclaves
Stringstorm

**Stringstorm** is a musician whose main contribution was to create the end credits theme for *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device**,* which is a remix of "We are One" by Triarii. He also has a few parts as different characters in the series.

As an April Fools prank, Stringstorm released a new song claiming to be the End Credits theme for season 4, but was actually a parody based around Warhammer High.

## Characters Voiced

* Vraesque Malidrach
* Ferrus Manus
* Mayor Brimstone
* Mogul Kamir
* (Note: String was also supposed to voice the Void Dragon before TTS was put on hiatus.)

## Songs Composed

* "For Friendship!"
* "If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device Ending Theme(Triarii Cover)"
* "If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device Ending Theme (Triarii Symphonic Metal Cover)"
* "Prime Clown"
* "Requiem for Dominique"
* "That Centurion..."
* "dark eldar cultural music (very beautiful and touching).wmv"
* "Eldrad's Theme - The Pathfinder"
* "Chairbound Prankster"
* "Velkommen Till Commorragh~!;)"
* "Jackal God"
* Protean Politics

## Social Media

Twitter

Youtube
Alfa Legion

> *"Do you guys have the feeling we're being shit on really hard right now?"*
>
>

> *"Aww, we're always being shat on..."*
>
>

*This article is on the fan group created by Alfabusa. For the canonical faction, see Alpha Legion.*

The **Alfa Legion** was a group of Warhammer 40,000 fans who originally played Dawn of War games together on Steam. Under the leadership of Alfabusa, many members became contributors for *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*. Such cast members included ThunderPsyker, Fresh, Earndil, Dr. White, Eliphas the Inheritor, Failsnake, Nostalgia, Kiwi, Sierra etc. At one point they created an unfinished game called "Tales of the Alfa Legion" featuring the cast's personal characters; some of the songs produced by Glowtide and Alisaihin are used in TTS.

Alfabusa has stated that he is no longer a member of this group, though he continues to work with his friends that contributed to the show.

## TTS Canon

The Alfa Legion is mentioned in reference to the Emperor's quip about chapters "so reclusive and historically inept that their mere existence sounds like something out of a disgusting horrible and shitty fan fiction." Letters from the cast members during Q&A episodes are also addressed from Swedesia, the Alfa Legion's home planet.

The Alfa Legion was officially destroyed when Magnus tricked the legion by kidnapping their Spiritual Lieges, the Blood Ravens captains Diomedes and Boreale. Magnus murdered chapter master Alfabusa, then offered to kill the remaining Legionnaires; the rest agreed eagerly, except for Mako, who ran away. Magnus kept their souls in a box for future use. The only other survivor was Karl, who has a legion of cultist fanboys wanting to suck on his foot fungus.

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Episode 10: Bold and Foolish
2. ↑ Episode 12.5: Awful Answers
3. ↑ Episode 26 Part 2: Fear and Loathing in Commorragh
4. ↑ Patreon Video/Fate of the Alfa Legion pt. 4/Karl begs for money
Alicia Dominica

**Alicia Dominica** was once the leader of the Brides of the Emperor, the bodyguards of Goge Vandire. However, after she renounced her loyalty to him, she went on to reform her order into the Adeptus Sororitas.

## Official Canon

Not much is know of Dominica's service to Goge Vandire prior to Sebastian Thor's invasion of Terra. She was met by the Adeptus Custodes in secret during the siege of the Ecclesiarchal Palace and initially refused to renounce their oaths to Vandire. As such the Captain General bought her and five of her fellow sisters to the Golden Throne and the Emperor with the Imperial Palace.

It is unknown what exactly transpired in the throne room but upon returning to Vandire she immediately declared him a traitor to the Imperium, a heretic and declared his execution was long over due, although Vandire, who was completely out of his mind at the time, did not fully realize the gravity of the situation even as he was decapitated by Dominica.

Following this Dominica's role in the assassination of Goge Vandire allowed the Bride of the Emperor to be rolled into the reformed Ecclesiarch as the Adeptus Sororitas, essentially bypassing his own decree that the Ecclesiarchy would maintain no 'men under arms.' She would go onto lead the Sororitas for seven centuries, seeing it divide into two Convents, before dying during the Scourging of Frideswide's, where she allegedly suffered over a hundred Lasgun wounds before being finally shot through the heart. Prior to her death she was made a living saint, and after dying her famous speech to Vandire was etched onto her sarcophagus.

## TTS Canon

Kitten was the one who brought Alicia to meet the Emperor. As it turned out, he didn't need to do much in the way of convincing her, as the sight of the Emperor's decaying corpse made her sexually aroused (it's inferred that all Sisters, and members of the Ecclesiarchy for that matter, are sexually attracted to the Emperor, much to his dismay). Shortly after Kitten told her that Goge Vandire needed to be stopped, she simply agreed to it and beheaded him.
Daemons

**Daemons** are malignant entities that live in the Warp, and act as extensions of their Chaos God. They are purely immaterial beings and can only enter realspace in the following ways:

* Summoning by a ritual (such as a blood sacrifice)
* Possession of an unprotected Psyker
* Crossing through a Warp rift, especially Warp storms

Daemons are functionally immortal, and return to the warp when 'killed'. This immortality is why Chaos champions seek to become Daemon Princes. However, they can be imprisoned within an object, or permanently killed under the right circumstances. Saying the daemon's true name severely weakens them; this is also true of Daemon princes, including the traitor Primarchs, as their true names were given to them by the Emperor before they were kidnapped by the Chaos Gods.

## Types of Daemons

Khornate Daemons are known as **Bloodletters** and **Bloodthirsters**. They are hyper-violent and will destroy everything in sight. They will even attack their own side if there aren't enough enemies to slaughter, for Khorne does not care from where the blood flows.

* Members: Skarbrand

Nurglite Daemons are known as **Nurglings**, **Plaguebearers**, and **Great Unclean Ones**. They spread disease and contagion, and are highly immune to pain and destruction, but are also very sloth. Nurglite Daemons are very friendly by comparison, though their idea of friendship includes sharing horrifying plagues.

* Members: Epidemius

Tzeentchian Daemons are known as **Pink Horrors** and **Lords of Change**. They are magically adept and can change reality on a whim. They are known to be very manipulative and orchestrating various schemes to bring down the ruin of others.

* Members: Kairos Fateweaver

Slaaneshi Daemons are known as **Daemonettes** and **Keepers of Secrets**. They seek out extreme emotions and sensations, dealing and receiving both pleasure and pain. They are also very fast and agile, but physically frail. As Leman Russ demonstrates, its possible to kill a daemonette by depriving it of sensation - in his particular case, blue-balling a daemonette.

* Members: Masque of Slaanesh

Some unaligned daemons exist, such as **Furies**.

* Members: Be'lakor, Mayor Brimstone

Malal does not officially have Daemons, though because he doesn't exist it doesn't really matter.
Skarbrand

> *"SKARBRAND LOATHES STEALING! SKARBRAND IS A RESPECTABLE MEMBER OF SOCIETY!"*
>
>

**Skarbrand** is a Bloodthirster of Khorne.

## Official Canon

Skarbrand had once been Khorne's highest bloodthirster, until Tzeentch tricked him into becoming so angry and violent that he attempted to kill his own master. Khorne destroyed Skarbrand's wings and knocked him so hard that he lost any reason he once had. He continues to fight indiscriminately, though he also has an aura that causes everyone else around him to become just a violent as him.

## TTS Canon

As Skarbrand has lost all reason and the ability to feel anything but rage, Skarbrand is almost always screaming about his hatred for something. There is very little, if anything, he does not hate, but he does hate some things less than others.

Skarbrand was the victim of a ding-dong-ditch prank by Fyodor Karamazov. Too angry to move or do anything about it, he simply stood in the doorway and yelled that he hated going outside, and inside, but the doorframe was slightly better.

Skarbrand would later appear at the head of a massive daemon army at the Gate of Khaine, there to get revenge on Karamazov for his pranks as well as to stop the Inquisition from escaping the warp. During the battle he killed several members of the Inquisitions army including Grand Master Elirush, Inquisitor Adrielle Quist, a Taurox, and the Dreadknight, he was however, brought down to near banishment levels of health by Kairos Fateweaver, who was trying to get revenge on Inquisitor Quist (and stop Skarbrand kill-stealing, as Skarbrand was given credit for killing the Grey Knights, even though Kairos had killed them). He was defeated when the Star Child and Fyodor Karamazov merged.

After the battle, Skarbrand began hatefully trying to destroy the barrier that the Fyodperor had created to temporarily stop the demons from entering Commorragh (to little success).

## Trivia

* Skarbrand hates many things, this includes (but is not limited to):
	+ Knocking sounds
	+ Going outside
	+ Going inside
	+ Staying in the door frame [less than the above 2]
	+ People touching the Gate of Khaine
	+ Traffic jams
	+ Designs he deems stupid [e.g. Dreadknight]
	+ Physical contact
	+ Inconveniences
	+ Being misinterpreted
	+ Stealing
	+ Being hurt by an attack more than a material
	+ The bald
	+ The balding [almost as much as the above one]
Swarmlord

The **Swarmlord** is a unique synapse creature of the Tyranids.

## Official Canon

The Swarmlord is unique because it has a distinct personality, and every time it is killed in battle, its memories are preserved by the Hivemind and placed in a new body. Thus the Swarmlord always learns from experience and can be found across different hive fleets.

The Swarmlord was first spotted during the invasion of Macragge, having fought and won against Marneus Calgar by removing his limbs.

## TTS Canon

Calgar's duel with the Swarmlord ended with him ineffectually charging and kicking at the Tyranid with only one leg. Confused by his stubborness, the Swarmlord simply left Calgar as a stump and moved on to the rest of the battle.

The Swarmlord appeared again when the remnants of hive fleet Behemoth attacked a Hive City that the Deathwatch and Kryptman were attempting to defend. Before it could finish off the defenders, the Ultramarines appeared to drive out the Tyranids, and Calgar personally challenged the Swarmlord to a rematch. Calgar effortlessly curbstomped the beast, complaining that the fight was a waste of his time.

## References

1. ↑ Episode 8: Tyranids
2. ↑ BEHEMOTH Trilogy, Part 3
Special 5: Just Aeldari Things

**Special 5: Just Aeldari Things** is the first special of season 3 of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*. The episode serves as an introduction to the politics of the Eldar factions prior to their introduction into the storyline in the following episode.

The story works as a prelude to the events of 'Death Masque', a 7th edition supplement that, in-and-of itself, was a prelude to the Gathering Storm, teasing the revival of Ynnead.

## Characters

* Eldrad Ulthran
* Asdrubael Vect
* Inriam's Spectre
* Sylandri Veilwalker
* Ulthwé Warlock
* Ulthwé Farseer
* Timothy's Handler
* Kabalite Trueborn
* Archon Akhara'keth
* Screaming Mon-Keigh
* Abaddon the Despoiler
* Timothy
* Emperor
* Karl the Deranged (as himself)

## Trivia

* This video was going to be part of Episode 26, but that episode was already an hour long and had to be split into two parts.
* Karl can be seen in the background as a green screen effect around the five minute mark.
Trazyn the Infinite

**Trazyn the Infinite** is a Necron Overlord, infamous for collecting rare artifacts and meddling in galactic affairs.

## Official Canon

Trazyn has taken it upon himself to preserve the most exotic and valueable artifacts in the galaxy, including famous people. He posseses the head of Sebastian Thor, the husk of an Enslaver, etc. He has many doppelgangers protecting him as he travels around the galaxy, adding to his collection. He is also known to taunt his enemies, and even aided Imperial forces during the Battle of Cadia by releasing an Inquisitor from his collection, though he has made it clear that he wanted to add Roboute Guilliman to his collection as compensation.

## TTS Canon

The Emperor refers to Trazyn as "Trashy the Incontinent," and wished to put in a request for someone to steal from his collection as a prank. Kitten had an inkling about a Space Marine Chapter that would fit the job perfectly.  However, Kitten had forgotten what their name was, much to the disappointment of his Liege. When he finally remembered, he was stopped mid-sentence by The Fabulous Custodes who reported the Inquisition's arrival on Terra. The Chapter that he was about to say was the Blood Ravens.

## References

1. ↑ Episode 9: Necrons
2. ↑ Episode 10: Bold and Foolish
Void Dragon

**Mag'ladroth, the** **Void Dragon** is one of the most powerful of the C'tan. It's current whereabouts are the subject of rumor and speculation.

## Official Canon

Not much is known for certain about the Void Dragon, but multiple theories about it exist. The Void Dragon is mainly associated with technology, leading to the speculation that it is in fact the Dragon of Mars, a being that is secretly kept imprisoned by the Adeptus Mechanicus. According to legend, the Emperor himself, under the guise of Saint George, defeated the Dragon on Earth and later had it imprisoned on Mars to give the Mechanicus its power over technology. But if the Dragon awakens, it could mean disaster for humanity.

## TTS Canon

Eldrad Ulthran mentions that the Void Dragon is reawakening in his call to Asdrubael Vect, among his many other predictions of disaster.
Vraesque Malidrach

> **\*Vile Snicker\*** *"Sly Marbo. I should've known it was you. Though your theatrics have managed to ruin my day enough, your annoyance ends here."*
>
>

**Vrasque Malidrach** is the Archon of the Kabal of the Flayed Skull, and a nemesis of Sly Marbo.

## Official Canon

Known as the Murderprince of the Poisoned Crown, he began as mere deathracer before ascending to the leader of the second most powerful kabal in Comorragh.

## TTS Canon

Vraesque and his Kabal invaded an Imperial Agri-world to collect slaves, when they were suddenly stopped by Sly Marbo. Anticipating this, Vraesque told Marbo that if he didn't leave immediately, he'd shrink the cages of his slaves and crush them to death. However, Sly Marbo's scream of fury disintegrated the prisoner's cages, and they proceeded to maul the Archon. Satisfied that his duty was finished, Sly left Vraesque to his fate.

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Heroes of the 41st Millennium - Sly Marbo, The One-Man Army
Episode 8: Tyranids

**Episode 8: Tyranids** is the eighth episode of the first season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*.

## Appearances

* The Emperor
* Little Kitten
* Cypher
* Fyodor Karamazov
* Ecclesiarch Decius XXIII
* Grand Provost Marshal
* Commander Militant
* Master of the Administratum
* Fabricator General
* Marneus Calgar
* Sexually Depraved Warpsmith
Typhus

> *"Do you know what a CLIT-ORIS IS!? ...Me neither. BUT IT SOUNDS DISGUSTING!"*
>
>

**Typhus** is First Captain of the Death Guard, and a champion of Nurgle.

## Official Canon

Typhus was originally Typhon, an ordinary Death Guard legionnaire until he learned of Chaos through the workings of Erebus from the Word Bearers. A secret Psyker, Typhon sold his soul to Nurgle to become First Captain (all thanks to Erebus' influence), and helped engineer the downfall of his Primarch Mortarion. When the Death Guard killed all their Navigators, Typhon offered to navigate the ship, leading them directly into a destroyer plague that was only stopped when Mortarion and his men swore their lives to Nurgle.

Being the mortal champion of Nurgle, Typhus wants to spread Nurgle's love to every living being in the galaxy, being so diseased-ridden that he can liquefy lesser beings.

## TTS Canon

Typhus reads excerpts of SQUAD BROKEN as a favor to Lucius the Eternal. He has joined the other chaos champions as part of Abaddon's call for a new Black Crusade. He also appeared as a guest on the Slaaneshmas special.

## Trivia

* Typhus' first appearance is largely a reference to this skit where Gilbert Gottfried reads 50 Shades of Grey, right down to his pronunciation of "Clit-TORUS!"

## References

1. ↑ Episode 22: Change
2. ↑ Episode 22: Change
3. ↑ Special 3: The Slaaneshmas Special
THE FINAL EPISODE (April Fool's)

**THE FINAL EPISODE (April Fool's)** is a non-canonical episode in the second season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*.

## Appearances

* The Emperor
* Little Kitten
* Magnus the Red
* Horus
* Karstodes
* Custodisi
* Wamuudes
* The Beast
* Goge Vandire
* The Squats
* Sindri Myr
* Herman von Strab
* The Megarachnids
* The Old Ones
* Techno-Barbarians
* Old One-Eye
* Sly Marbo
Tu'Shan

> *"What hast thou done to our precious lord lavanugget, you ruffians!?"*
>
>

**Tu'Shan** is the Chapter Master of the Salamanders.

## Official Canon

Tu'Shan participated in the Second War of Armageddon, where he nearly came to blows with the Marines Malevolent, who had attacked several civilians and his own men when Orks attacked a refugee camp. During the Third War of Armageddon, Tu'Shan met again with the Marines Malevolent and publicly beat down their representative after the latter attempted to blackmail him, much to the satisfaction of the people of Armageddon.

## TTS Canon

Tu'Shan witnessed Magnus accidentally killing Vulkan, and swears to chase after them when he and Kitten escape. This proves to be unnecessary, however, as Vulkan got back up and declared that he and Corvus Corax would go on an adventure together to Terra. Tu'Shan relished in the opportunity to go on an adventure.

Tu'Shan shares his father's enthusiasm for friendship and adventure, and speaks in an archaic dialect.

## Quotes

* *"GALAXY! THINE GRIM DARKNESS IS LUDICROUS!"*
* "Forsooth, what in yon FUCK happened?!"

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 Episode 25: Fiery Family Reunion
2. ↑ Episode 1: Catachan Capers
3. ↑ Episode 2: Attilan Assault