Club Can't Handle Me

**Todd**: *[sighs]* Do I have to???

**Nostalgia Critic**: Todd, we hired you for a reason.

**Todd**: But I was having fun reviewing movies and video games.

**Nostalgia Critic**: We've got people for that. Now go on and review music! Go on!

**Todd**: *[whining]* But it's hard!

**Nostalgia Critic**: Todd, you will do as you're told or there will be consequences.

**Todd**: Huh? Like what? *[Nostalgia Critic holds up remote and presses a button. Miley Cyrus - "Hoedown Throwdown" plays and Todd covers ears and entire head]* Ahhh! AHHHHHHHHH!!! AAHHH!! NO, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it...

**Nostalgia Critic**: Yes, that's right. Back to your box. Now smile for the camera...or perpendicular to the camera, whatever, and do your job. *[Laughs maniacally]* Ah, good times, good times.

**Todd**: *[resigned sigh]* Fine. *[Todd plays "Club Can't Handle Me" on his piano.]*

***FLO RIDA ft. DAVID GUETTA - "CLUB CAN'T HANDLE ME"
A pop song review***

**Todd**: I want you to take a look at this. *[Image of Flo Rida's album cover* R.O.O.T.S*]* This is Flo Rida's most recent album. It is entitled *ROOTS*. ROOTS is actually an acronym—it stands for *[text appears]* "R.oute O.f O.vercoming T.he S.truggle." If that is not *instantly* funny to you, let me give you a quick summation of Flo Rida's career to date.

*Clips of "In the Ayer" ft will.i.am...*
**will.i.am**: Oh hot damn, this is my jam
Keep me partyin to the A.M.
*..."Low" ft T-Pain...*
**T-Pain**: Apple bottom jeans
Boots with the fur
*..."Right Round" ft. Ke$ha (uncredited)...*
**Flo Rida**: Poppin' these bottles
Touching these models
*..."Elevator"...*
**Flo Rida**: Frontin' on the floor got them d-boys running
Shorty got both broke can't see what's comin'
*...Back to "Right Round"...*
**Flo Rida**: You spin my head right round, right round
*...and "Low"*
**Flo Rida**: Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
**Todd**: Yeah, so you get the idea, right? Yeah, I don't know what struggle he thinks he's overcoming, but it's probably *[footage of protest from 60s]* not the same one the civil rights movement was singing about. And roots...roots. *[Clip from 1977 miniseries* Roots*]* I don't really associate Flo Rida with Kunta Kinte, although...you know, I don't know, maybe he feels a certain kinship with the character. I mean, Flo Rida's *also* trying to escape to freedom. Freedom, of course, being the name of his favorite club. Whyever he named his album that, I sincerely doubt I'll ever know what it is because, despite the fact that he's been very successful on the charts, I can tell you next to nothing about Flo Rida.

*Pictures of Flo Rida*
**Todd (VO)**: Who is he? What does he look like? Where is he from? What's his backstory? Does he like long walks on the beach? If he were a tree, what kind of tree would he be?

**Todd**: It's my job to know these things, and I couldn't tell you any of them. I mean, most rappers can't stop singing their own names or where they're from.

*Clips of Enrique Iglesias Ft Pitbull - "I Like It"...*
**Pitbull**: I'm a Miami boy...
*...Chris Brown ft. T-Pain - "Kiss Kiss"...*
**Chris Brown**: I'm a country boy from Tappahannock...
 *and Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys - "Empire State of Mind"*
**Jay-Z**: I'm from the Empire State that's
**Todd**: But Flo Rida just doesn't do that or do anything that'd help him develop some kind of identity. He's just this generic, store-brand version of an actual rapper. If I had to guess, I'd say he's probably from Miami, partly because his name is *[single cover of "Elevator"]* Flo Rida...Florida, get it? It's clever. It's more clever than anything in his music, at least. Not only that, he just *sounds* like...

*Clip of Tag Team - "Whoomp! (There It Is)"*
**Todd (VO)**: ...one of those Miami bass guys from the late 80s or the early 90s. Yeah, you know what I mean. Except those guys were one-hit wonders because they weren't very interesting, but...

**Todd**: Flo Rida just keeps sticking around for some reason.

**Todd (VO)**: I heard "Low" some 400,000 times in 2008—which...I did the numbers and that's not even mathematically possible—and yet I still can't think of any actual lines from that song, beyond *[sings] "Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur."*

**Todd**: And all the same problems extend to his new single, "Club Can't Handle Me" off the soundtrack to *Step Up 3D*...

*Clip from trailer*
**Todd (VO)**: ...which is, judging by the trailers, the first film in history in which you, the audience, get served.

**Todd**: And so this new Flo Rida song. You know, the one...let me guess. Is it a club song about girls and expensive alcohol?

*Video for "Club Can't Handle Me"*
**Flo Rida**: I own the night and I don't need no help
Gotta be the feeling that Scarface player
**Todd (VO)**: God, what a surprise. I wonder how's he gonna rhyme bottles with models this time.

**Flo Rida**: Bottles, Models, standing on chairs
**Todd**: And even though I'm basically the king of over-analyzing things, let me say right off the bat that a Flo Rida song probably does not merit a very deep reading.

**Flo Rida**: Still feeling myself I'm like outta control
Can't stop now more shots let's go
Ten more rounds can I get a KO
**Todd**: (Deep Lyrical Analysis) *[Masterpiece Theatre music plays]* Yes, the author of the text displays expert use of classicist imagery, particularly in the pastoral metonymy of the first quatrain, which shows clear influence from T.S. Eliot's early modernist work.

**Todd (VO)**: On top of that, I'm pretty sick of every single freaking song in the Top 40 being about the goddamn club. I hate clubs. Drinks are too expensive, the music is bad. Doesn't anyone know how to throw a decent house party anymore?

**Todd**: Now I will be honest, "Club Can't Handle Me" is actually one of the more tolerable and less offensive songs I've ever covered on the show. It's certainly better...

*Clip from "Sexy Bitch" ft. Akon*
**Todd (VO)**: ...than the last David Guetta song I covered.

**Akon**: Damn, yous a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch.
**Todd**: In fact, catch me at the right time of day, and I might call "Club Can't Handle Me" a "good song," although I admit I don't like it quite as much as I did the first time I heard it...when it was called "I Gotta Feeling."

*Clip of Black Eyed Peas - "I Gotta Feeling "*
**Peas**: I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night
**Flo Rida**: The club can't even handle me right now
**Todd**: Well yeah, there are a lot of good things about this song. I mean, I love the little intro riff right here.

*Opening riff of "Club Can't Handle Me"*
**Todd (VO)**: *[singing] I've been roamin' around
Always looking down at all I...*

Oh, wait, am I doing this wrong?

**Flo Rida**: Watchin' you watchin' me...
**Todd (VO)**: Oh, and the chorus is great, especially this part here with the female voice. I mean, that's just lovely.

**Flo Rida and Nicole Scherzinger**: The club can't even handle me right now (yeah)
**Todd (VO)**: *[singing]* You know that I could use somebody.

**Todd**: So if I've got all these nice things to say about it, what exactly is the problem here?

**Flo Rida and Nicole**: The club can't even handle me right now (yeah)
**Todd**: Oh...right, you have to *listen* to Flo Rida to get to the chorus.

**Todd (VO)**: Now like I said, it's not like this is particularly bad, but the second Flo Rida launches into a verse, my enthusiasm for this song just evaporates.

**Nicole**: *[Todd dances in chair]* The club can't even handle me right now (yeah)
**Flo Rida**: *[as he sings, Todd puts his arm down and reads the newspaper]*Still feeling myself I'm like outta control
Can't stop now more shots let's go
Ten more rounds can I get a KO
Paparazzi trying to make me pose
Came to party til I came no more
Celebrate cause that's all I know
Tip the groupies taking off their clothes
Grand finale' like Super Bowl
Go hard run the show
That's right wild out got money to blow
**Todd**: Goddamn it, Mets.

**Todd (VO)**: Now being as this *is* a Flo Rida song, I really don't see a point to analyzing the lyrics, but I guess I'll give it a shot. So...show me the first lines.

**Flo Rida**: I own the night and I don't need no help
Gotta be the feeling that Scarface player
Stuntin' go wild can't handle this plan
Life of the club arrogant like yeah!
**Todd**: Incredible! Not a single line from that even came close to rhyming!

**Todd (VO)**: I haven't seen such an amazing succession of not-rhymes since the second verse of Steve Miller's "Take the Money and Run."

**Steve Miller**: ... what the facts is
**Todd**: But of course, it didn't matter that it didn't rhyme because every Flo Rida song is basically gibberish until the chorus anyway!

**Todd (VO)**: No one cares...*[gibberish]*...Leonard Bernstein.

**Todd**: Whatever!

**Flo Rida and Nicole**: The club can't even handle me right now
Watchin' you watchin' me I go all out
The club can't even handle me right now
**Todd (VO)**: Now maybe it's just me, but if the club can't handle him right now...

**Todd**: ...my only conclusion is that they are using the wrong club. *[Pulls one out of his jacket]* Now, this is my club. It is an authentic replica of a war club used in battle by ancient Greek soldiers and, trust me, it *can* handle you right now.

**Todd (VO)**: No, seriously, if the club can't handle you right now, they've got people for that. *[Image of Patrick Swayze in* Road House*]* They're called bouncers. Barring that, *[Picture of cop with gun]* there's also the police.

**Todd**: In fact, the whole song gets more interesting if you take it as an explanation of how he got thrown in jail.

**Flo Rida**: Life of the club arrogant like yeah!
**Todd**: 28, we've got a report of a rowdy patron at the club on 4th Avenue being arrogant like yeah.

**Flo Rida**: ...feeling myself I'm like outta control
**Todd**: He is feeling himself in public and he is clearly out of control. We need someone down there right now. Also we've got an additional report that this is the same guy who recorded "Right Round," so, um...lethal force is authorized.

**Flo Rida**: You got me watchin' now (hey)
Got my attention now (hey)
**Todd (VO)**: Boring, boring! I'm pretty sure these may be the exact same verses from other Flo Rida songs.

**Todd**: Does this guy know how to do anything but celebrate?

**Flo Rida**: Celebrate cause that's all I know
**Todd**: Not surprised. It's honestly kinda sad when you think about it. I'd call him the hip-hop Andrew W.K., *[clip of Andrew W.K. - "Party Hard"]* but Andrew W.K. is all about being *larger* than life, and Flo Rida's all about barely even existing.

**Todd**: Go back to the first verse.

**Flo Rida**: Gotta be the feeling that Scarface player
Stuntin go wild can't handle this plan
**Todd (VO)**: What the hell do those lines mean? It's just a bunch of cliches jammed...it's not even cliches, it's just words. How the hell would you even make sense of that as a sentence or a lyric or anything?

**Todd (Deep Lyrical Analysis)**: Yes, I believe the key to deciphering the imagery in this couplet is in its invocation of *Scarface*, the 1983 Brian de Palma film. The author is clearly communicating that he shares that character's mounting paranoia and repressed homosexuality.

**Flo Rida**: You know I know how
To make em stop and stare as I zone out
**Todd (VO)**: No, that's not the line.

**Todd**: What's the real line?

**Flo Rida**: You know I know how
To make em stop and stare as I zone out
**Todd (VO)**: No, that's the line.

**Todd**: I can't even keep up with this slang anymore. When I was a kid, "zoning out" meant staring out into space like a zombie. *[Urbandictionary definition of "zoning out"]* No, that's *still* what it means. Well now I just got questions. Why are you zoned out at the club? Shouldn't you be, I don't know, out dancing or partying or something? *[Long pause]* Are you not having a good time? Maybe you're just not feeling it tonight, Flo Rida. Maybe you should just head home, relax, catch those TiVo'd episodes of *House*. I mean, God knows you seem like you could use a break.

**Todd (VO)**: Every other song you've ever released has been about the club! Go home!

**Todd**: Furthermore, if all you're doing is zoning out, why are people staring? Are you covered in blood?

**Todd (VO)**: I mean, the only reason I can think of why people are staring at you in that situation is if you were being exceptionally creepy. In which case...

**Todd**: ...yeah, I also know how to make 'em stop and stare. I just walk in the grocery store carrying my club *[pulls it out]*. It works every time.

**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, I know, I'm just being silly. While I'm at it, "Club Can't Handle Me" makes an excellent fat joke. Like...

**Todd**: Damn, Flo Rida, you so fat, the club can't even handle you right now!

**Flo Rida**: Ten more rounds can I get a KO
Paparazzi trying to make me pose
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, nice try, Flo Rida. You're not gonna trick me into thinking anyone cares who you are.

**Flo Rida**: You know who shut it down!
**Todd**: Me. I shut it down. I'm sorry, I cannot pretend to care about this mumbling dullard any longer.

**Todd (VO)**: This song should be so much better than it is, and that female singer is basically carrying the entire thing. I'd really like to know who it is, but she's not credited. So basically this is Flo Rida being blown off the stage by a woman whose name I *don't* know, whose face I've never seen, and, for all I know, doesn't even exist.

**Todd**: She could just be a computer program, for all I know, and she'd still have more personality than Flo Rida. And this isn't the first time this has happened either.

**Todd (VO)**: *[brief clips of "Right Round" and "BlahBlahBlah"]* Ke$ha asked that her name be taken off of "Right Round," and it certainly wasn't out of shame considering the rest of her output.

**Todd**: Okay, think about that. Ke$ha, back when she was a complete nobody...

**Todd (VO)**: ...didn't want her name on one of the biggest hit singles of the year because, and this is true, she thought being associated with Flo Rida would hurt her career.

**Todd**: And for all we know, she was correct.

**Todd (VO)**: That is how ungodly boring this guy is. This could've been a good song; but with Flo Rida leading the way, it's just a forgettable one.

**Todd**: Flo Rida—taking the "star" out of "pop star" since 2008. What were we talking about again?

**Flo Rida**: You know who shut it down.

*Video for Kings of Leon - "Use Somebody "*
**Kings of Leon**: I've been roamin' around
Always looking down at all I see...
*Closing Tag Song: Travis Tritt - "Country Club"*

***THE END
"Club Can't Handle Me" is owned by Atlantic Records
This club sandwich can't handle me right now.***