The Corn Ultimatum

**The Corn Ultimatum** is the 9th Oxventure episode of Season 2 and the 21st episode overall, in which the Oxventure crew sets out to save a menaced farming village.

## Synopsis

The wandering Oxventure crew discover a grain-farming village being shaken down by bandits. Will these heroes' efforts help the beleaguered folk of Little Avery or just make a big burning mess?

## Summary

The day after the previous adventure, the Guild have decided to leave Humberdale, as there were too many emotional ties for them to process. They come across a town called Little Avery, which is surrounded by fields of ripening corn. As soon as they arrive, they find themselves getting funny looks from the townsfolk, before the streets become deserted. Two men then approach the Guild, with one of them, named Lewis Mistress, begging them for more time. Lewis assumes that they are under employ of a man named McClusky, tells them that the harvest isn't ready. Corazón decides to take the advantage of the situation, and asks Lewis to pay up. Lewis protests that the corn isn't ready to be eaten yet. Dob, who had been eating the corn before they arrived, suddenly feels ill and rushes to the nearest tavern's toilet.

Corazón turns to the other Guild members to discus the potential benefits of taking over the town from McClusky, as they could make a profit off the corn market. Egbert insists that they help the people instead, because it's the right thing to do, and because he has thirty seven mini Egberts to feed, who have rapidly aged into their teenage phases. Dob emerges from the toilet, and backs Egbert up, along with Merilwen, who doesn't want to be tied down by a business. Corazón agrees to help the town, but only if they can steal as much corn as they can carry afterwards.

Prudence then looms over Lewis, and asks them what them what their problem is, telling them what they thought he said "McCrusky". Corazón tells him that they're corn inspectors, under Corn Internal Affairs, and they are here to help. Lewis explains that McClusky is the leader of a group of bandits who routinely raid them, and their demands have gotten so bad that they had to tear down half their houses to make enough corn. And if they don't meet his demands, they'll all be killed. Lewis was worried that they were one of McClusky's men who were coming months ahead of schedule as an excuse to kill them. Corazón and Prudence ask what else would be in for them, and Lewis pulls them aside and offers them a bribe to not tell their bosses about the poor quality of their corn. The Guild then agrees to help take down McClusky, who has set up his bandit camp near the town.

Lewis then tells them that another adventurer passed by recently, but refused to help them. The Guild asks what their name was, but Lewis can't remember. He points them towards the tavern, as that's where the adventurer currently is. They ask Lewis how many bandits they should expect, which causes Lewis to go off on a long, overly dull, metaphorical explanation on the number, causing Corazón to wander off into the tavern. Dob then asks Lewis what the geopolitical situation is in the surrounding area. Lewis explains that Little Avery sells its corn all over G'eth, and the bandit problem isn't really epidemic, as it is more similar to a crop rotation, where they move from town to town, giving the previous towns they raided to regain their stock. Dob then promises to improve their lives, and the Guild enters the tavern.

They find Corazón in the tavern, having gotten bored and made a corn effigy of himself named "Cornazón", who Prudence briefly mistakes for Corazón. Corazón hands out some drinks, and the Guild tries to spot the adventurer Lewis mentioned. They soon spot a Tabaxi dressed as a pirate in the corner of the tavern, drinking neat corn whisky, who is staring at Corazón. Everyone, apart from Corazón, are immediately enamoured with this cat pirate, and go to say hi. Merilwen buys a corn whiskey, and gives it to the Tabaxi, complimenting his look. Corazón gets jealous, and introduces himself by dropping a doubloon. The Tabaxi strikes up a conversation with Corazón, saying that he used to be a pirate too, but gave it up due to his fear of water. Corazón says he remedied this by learning to swim, a concept that amazes the Tabaxi. Dob asks the barman if they have rooms with a bath, as they are going to teach the Tabaxi to swim. But the Tabaxi refuses.

Getting back on topic, Corazón asks the Tabaxi why he refused to help the townsfolk. The Tabaxi explains that he refused because he assumed that they couldn't afford his extraordinary price. One gold piece. The Guild are confused by this, and the Tabaxi explains that a gold piece is the highest thing he can think of. Dob revels in this, as due to his fear of water and his lack of currency knowledge, he is the best person to use the lake against. Prudence suggests that they hire this Tabaxi, as his prices are go ridiculously low. Corazón announces that they can afford his incredibly steep price, and asks for his help. The Tabaxi then asks what the problem is, as he wasn't listening.

After Egbert sums up the issue, they ask the Tabaxi his name. The Tabaxi introduces himself as Rust on the Harbour, a name that the rest of the Guild agree is a cooler name than Corazón's. Corazón then announces that he once spent time with Tabaxi, eventually becoming their king, and earned the name "Corazón on the Ship". Rust then points out that's not what happened, as the last king had a cone put on his head by the people, before they became a republic. Corazón then tries to out cool Rust by challenging him to the "stab between the fingers game", which Rust enthusiastically accepts. Rust does it with such speed that Corazón accidentally stabs himself in the back of the hand trying to catch up, which he tries to play off as intentional. Egbert gets caught up in the moment and plays the game too, and ends up stabbing Dob in the hand when he tries to protect him. Rust then pays for drinks and a platter of cheese, with tales of the sea, out of solidarity.

The group then begin brainstorming. Rust tells them that the bandit camp is a wooden fortress, which Prudence immediately wants to burn down. Corazón suggests that they make a giant wooden corn to give to the bandits as a gift, that secretly will contain the majority of them. Egbert sides with Corazón and Merilwen sides with Prudence, much to Prudence's delight. Dob suggests they should just tunnel in, which Merilwen points out might take a while. Dob reluctantly sides with Corazón and suggest that they split into two teams; one team will join the bandits, and the other will be in the corn. Merilwen thinks this is a terrible plan, and suggests they do some reconnaissance on the camp before they do anything else, to which everyone agrees. Dob and Prudence buy a shovel and fire lighting materials respectively before they leave town, just in case.

As they leave town, Dob mentions the idea of either getting an audience with or assassinating McClusky, and the Guild agree to think about it after their recon. On the way to the camp, Rust catches five birds in flight. Corazón tries to out-do Rust and catches ten birds, but Corazón is annoyed when this impresses Rust instead of humiliating him. Rust then takes the tailfeathers of the birds and runs off into the corn, saying he'll be back soon. The Guild venture on, and eventually find the bandit camp. They see that it is heavily defended, with a large spikey fence and a rampart with four guards. Inside, there are huts with a large wooden building that looks like a drinking hall, and also a building that looks like a drinking horn. Corazón is then nudged by Rust, who gives him a new hat decorated with the tailfeathers of the birds they caught as a gift. The Guild then agree that no harm must come to Rust, as he throws up the bird bones.

Dob then suggest that they pull back two big trees like a catapult and fire him and Rust into the camp to deal with McClusky. The Guild aren't sure about the two big trees part, but agree that sounds like a cool plan. Dob suggest that Prudence sets a fire that will distract the guards while he, Rust and Merilwen sneak in, and Corazón offers to deal with any guards that pose a problem. With plan agreed upon, Dob searches the woods to find some supple springy trees to launch himself, Rust, and Merilwen into the camp. Dob finds some suitable trees and goes to dig them up with his shovel, when he's suddenly picked up from behind by a Treant. The treant asks Dob what he's doing, and Dob lies and tells him that he was planting flowers beneath him. Before the treant can argue with him about that claim, Dob asks him if he can throw him into the camp to deal with the bandits. The treant agrees, as some of the plants used to build the camp were his acquaintances, but only if Dob and his friends plant flowers around him and if Rust stops sharpening his claws on his ankle.

Dob then brings the treant to the group, who introduces himself as Gary, the sight of which makes Merilwen cry tears of joy. Dob asks Gary if there are any other treants nearby, which Gary denies, although he has the ability to turn trees into dumber versions of himself. Dob asks if he'd be upset if anything happened to them, which Gary responds by saying that there are a couple of sycamore trees nearby that he intensely dislikes. Corazón asks Gary to turn some of said plants to life, and Gary brings turns two sycamores into dumb Treants, who can only say "Hiya". Corazón then convinces them to form a bonfire formation on the other side of the camp, where Prudence douses them with corn whiskey, all of which the bandit guards somehow don't notice.

The Guild then waits for nightfall. Dob heals his and Corazón's wounds, while Egbert feeds his children, who have all aged into their midlife crisis phase. Merilwen casts Water Breathing on everyone, just in case, which Egbert tests out by dunking his head in a bucket. Corazón pals around with Rust, giving him a drawing he made of the two of them, titled "Purrates", which Rust tucks away in a flintlock pistol he never learned to use.

The hour soon approaches. Prudence goes to the two pseudo treants, as Merilwen casts Wild Shape to turn into a cat, before being picked up by Gary, with Dob and Rust. Corazón positions himself near the ramparts, as Egbert hides in the corn, waiting for the gate to be opened by Merilwen. With everyone in position, Prudence sets the trees on fire before hiding, which distracts the guards and signals Gary to chuck Dob, Rust and Merilwen into the camp. As soon as they land, Dob suspects they'll find McClusky in the drinking hall. Dob looks at the front gate and sees ropes tied to the ground inside the camp going over the wall, so the guards can rappel down from the ramparts. Dob puts his dagger in Merilwen's cat mouth and orders her to cut the ropes so they can't get back in, but the dagger is too heavy for her in cat form. Merilwen lets out a tremendous battle cry as she ascends the stairs, which alerts the guards.

Corazón climbs the wall and cuts the ropes, as he had the same idea as Dob, which annoys Merilwen as she arrives at the top of the stairs. Eight of the guards are now trapped on the other side of the wall, while the remaining three spot Corazón. Egbert, who was still waiting for the gates to be opened, sees that the ropes have been cut, meaning there's no way for him to enter the camp. He watches the eight guards try to put out the fire, and concludes that he can't fight them by himself, so he just goes to find Gary. He finds him laughing at the two sycamores burning to death, and tells him to order the sycamores to attack the guards. The sycamores preform a flaming slam attack each, which flattens two of the guards.

Meanwhile, Prudence Spider Climbs up the wall and sees one of the four guards outside the drinking hall slip inside it. She then casts Detect Magic and is disappointed that the bandits don't have a magic user on staff. At the same time, Dob tells Rust to sneak into the drinking hall via the chimney, while Dob distracts the bandits inside by pretending to be a loud drunk outside the doors to the hall. While the bandits are investigating the noise Rust takes the opportunity to sneak onto the roof, slip down the chimney, and hold McClusky at knife point. The plan goes into effect, but Rust takes McClusky hostage quicker than expected, so Dob just shoulder barges his way into the drinking hall and orders the bandits to stand down. Dob then looks at McClusky and sees that he is a scarred man dresses in too many pelts, who orders his men to comply.

Back with Corazón and Merilwen, Merilwen stares at one of the guards, lowering his guard, before turning back into an elf and casting Poison Spray, killing him. The guards sees this, and swing their scimitars at them, only to miss Corazón and bouncing off of Merilwen's stomach. Corazón the casts Grease and one falls off the wall and dies, much to the horror of the other six guards. Meanwhile, Egbert hops on to Gary's back, and the two run into the camp. Grary makes a slam attack and destroys half the camp, tearing off the roof of the drinking hall. Seeing this, the six guards outside the camp surrender. This only leaves the one guard on the wall with Corazón, who kicks him in the nuts so hard he dies.

With the remaining bandits surrendering, Dob orders McClusky to order his men to line up so Corazón can tie them up. Corazón ties them all up, and they prop McClusky on his bandit throne for a laugh. Dob chastises McClusky for his unfair demands on Little Avery, but has to cover McClusky's ears when he realises he forgot what they wanted to do once they defeated him. At this moment, Egbert turns up on Gary, not knowing McClusky has already surrendered, and orders Gary to smash McClusky, crippling him. Dob then asks if there's any other bandits leaders to worry about, but McClusky says that he's the only leader, after inheriting the position from a McClunky. Corazón steals from a money box and Prudence is slightly underwhelmed that McClusky's end goal was just getting his hands of Little Avery's corn.

The Guild then takes McClusky to the townsfolk, who promptly put him through a biased trial and burn him to death in a giant wicker corn. The townsfolk then agree to give the Guild ten percent of their corn forever as thanks. Corazón then gives Rust Cornazón as a gift, which inspires Rust enough to consider going back to his life on the sea. Merilwen then tries to give Rust ten gold coins, but this causes Rust to mentally freeze up, as he cannot comprehend the possibility of more than one gold piece. Merilwen then gives one coin at a time which Rust puts in his pocket such that he can comprehend easier, but Corazón pick-pockets nine coins "as a kindness" to prevent Rust from freaking out when he would have eventually found the coins later. Dob then gathers the Guild together to clink glasses together, before switching their drinks for shovels, as it's flower planting time! As Dob plants the seeds, Merilwen casts Druidcraft to make one bloom to show Gary the treant that life will flourish, as Corazón casts Minor Illusion to make it look like he's done his planting.

## Guild Hijinks

* Corazón stabs himself in the hand playing a game of the "knife thing".
	+ Egbert stabs Dob in the hand playing the same game.
* Egbert dunks his head in a bucket to test his Water Breathing.
* Corazón kicks someone in the nuts so hard he dies.

## Character Development

* Corazón gives some money to Merilwen without her asking.
* Corazón bonds with fellow rogue, Rust, to the point he pickpockets him to prevent him from mentally crashing.

## Trivia

* The title is a pun on "The Bourne Ultimatum".
* Rust on the Harbour was a player character DM Johnny played in a private game.