Headhunters 4: The Sweet Sixteen

## Introduction

Hear yee, hear yee, gather 'round for a message from merciful Master Glorio, first of his name, ruler of the multiverse, Lord of the LOC, the Fantasy Führer, Czar of PPR, Supreme Leader of the Luperflex, Dynasty Daimyo, and Head Honcho of Headhunters.

By order of his holiness, season four of Headhunters has officially begun!

Usually the year kicks off with a little extra pomp and circumstance (or swamp?), but the Fantasy GAWD has been quite busy conquering leagues in other corners of the multiverse and is just now getting around to kicking off another season of HH. As such, we're already three trades and fourteen roster moves into the 2022 league year. But fret not, for he is a just and noble leader, and a kickoff writeup is here for all squams to consume as a final meal before the beheadings commence.

A wise man once said: "What the hell's going on out there!?" And that's the energy we bring to Headhunters every day. With that said, let's see what the hell is going on out there.

## In Memorium: Seasons 1-3

### Season 1: 2019

* Criminals: 17
* The Theme: None
* Champion: It's Blitz! Track 2
* The Winning Strategy: Blitz had a strong draft and managed to hold on to his money until the bitter end. By the time it got down to the Big Three, Blitz had $53 vs. just $1 combined for the other two teams. He had enough to pick his perfect lineup.

### Season 2: 2 Heads 2 Furious

* Criminals: 19
* The Theme: Double Eliminations. Three weeks of double eliminations and a single week of non-eliminations, brought to you by the Wheel of Fate.
* Champion: Mixon Beer with Liquor
* The Winning Strategy: Whatever Blitz did, do the opposite. Mixon beer came into championship week with just two dollars to his name, having spent big early and rostering a strong team that kept him towards the top for the entire year. Even though he didn't have waiver priority over his opponent, Last Coach Standing, he had the foundation to withstand the onslaught.

### Season 3: Edge of Extinction

* Criminals: 20
* The Theme: Adapt or Die. The bottom two teams were allowed to team up and merge rosters, creating a dynamic in which certain managers purposefully tanked to combine strong rosters. The Wheel of Fate also returned. Commish got in a fight.
* Champion: The Executioner
* The Winning Strategy: Forget trying to win. Executioner was focused on one thing and that was survival. He lurked in the middle of the pack, building his roster slowly by bringing in cheaper guys that kept him afloat vs. swinging for the fences with huge names. By the time he was the last team standing, nobody knew what hit them.

## Season4: Superflex SZN

* Criminals: 16
* The Theme: The addition of the superflex spot has added a new and dangerous dynamic to the game, increasing the value of the QB position while also boosting the incentive to trade and bid early.

Fresh off a season with twenty teams, season four comes at us with a surprisingly small cast of 16 criminals. But with that comes the added complexity of needing QBs (plural) who you can start right away to ensure survival. Two teams came away from the draft without a single starting player at the position and had to complete trades with heavy costs for middling QBs just to start *someone*.

### Non-Eliminations & The Week 10 Penalty

Because we have 16 teams but there are 17 weeks, we will not have any double-eliminations. Instead, we'll need to have two non-elimination weeks. However, one such non-elimination comes with a penalty...

* **Weeks 3-8**: The Wheel of Fate - A much less scary Wheel of Fate will return and grant one team a gift of life between weeks 3-8
* **Week 10:** Guaranteed non-elimination week with a twist **-** At week 10 there will be 8 teams beheaded, 8 teams remaining. It seems the perfect time for a mid-season hiatus. There will be no eliminations for week 10, guaranteed. No Wheel of Fate. No surprises. I simply will not have access to the league for this week and don't want to risk having someone else attempt to make the cuts for me. No harm no foul. Honestly, go ahead and collect players with a week 10 bye. Seems like an added bonus, really.

....oh, I forgot to mention. I wouldn't try to bench your team or otherwise attempt to tank for better waiver priority that week. ***The team that finishes in last place week 10 will lost 10% of their remaining FAAB.***

### The Immunity Idol is Back at Play

As 2021 champion, The Executioner enters 2022 with an immunity idol.

* **Use**: One Time Only
* **Expiration Date**: The immunity idol must be played by the end of week 12 or it becomes as useful to own as Trey Sermon.
* **Playing the Idol**: Must be played before the 4:25pm Eastern Sunday kickoff on any given week.
* **When Played**: If team finishes in an elimination position, next worst team gets eliminated instead. If that week is non-elimination, the idol is still neutralized.
* **Trading/Auctioning**: At any time, idol may be auctioned for FAAB money. You may also sell the idol or include idol in trades. All transactions of this nature must be made public and run through the Commish.

### Fake Money and Real Money

Just like in previous years, we will each start with $1,000 in FAAB. You can trade your FAAB at any point as long as there is no colluding going on. However, you cannot trade FAAB through Yahoo. So please come to me with any trades involving FAAB and I will take care of that part myself.

As for the real money, buy-in was $20 this season which I know means less payout because we have fewer teams.

* Third: $20 (money back)
* Second: $40
* First: $260

I know it doesn't exactly blow the doors off. But hey, it's more for the glory anyway right?

## Goodbye to G, D, and Shotti

This season we say goodbye to three managers that have been with us pretty much from the beginning.

### **Jethro "G" AKA Ya Hate 2 See It**

I knew we may be seeing the last of G in 2021 when he didn't change his name to "Ya Hate 3 See It" which would have been hilarious commitment to the bit. For what it's worth, also waiting on Zach to change his name to Track 4 but I digress. G also never finished higher than 9th place, coming in 16th twice. And he never felt like he truly wanted to be here, treating this league the way I treat my low-stakes peripheral leagues, so while I'm sad to see him go I also hope he replaces Headhunters with a league he more fully enjoys.

### **Dani "D" Feeney (or Pheeney, who can say for sure), AKA Neck-Fix and Chill**

We also say goodbye to D, AKA Dani, AKA Neck-Fix and Chill which is a great team name because she is a chiro and also because we behead people here. Two eighth place finishes sandwiched between a 12th place, Neck-Fix never finished worse than Commish in the three years she played which is just about the only measurement of success I care about since it revolves around me and my constant failings. All we know about her exit is that Pat told me if we needed someone to bow out she would do it because she doesn't want to play, a statement she has since half-refuted and half-confirmed, leaving me in a weird and uncomfortable position. One thing is for certain: she refuses to let go of the fact that we spelled her name wrong on our wedding invitations despite her spelling her own name wrong on Facebook. And for that reason alone, we've had to chop her from the league.

### **Shotti AKA Shotti's Bugatti**

Finally, we have lost Shotti's Bugatti. Now you may be asking yourself, if Shotti's gone who will be the 3rd team eliminated? I don't know kids, I just don't know. Shotti never quite understood Headhunters. He came in during year two, still stinking of the four championship trophies he had recently won in the LOC. But he leaves Headhunters with his head held low, having been the only manager to directly tell me "no" when asked if he wanted me to run back Headhunters for 2022. Hey man, all good. I also wouldn't want to lose any more credibility by blatantly not understanding the fundamental gameplay of guillotine. I kid, I kid! But all jokes aside, if you don't enjoy the format then you don't enjoy the format, and I was running out of car puns anyway. I hope Shotti's Bugatti finds what he's looking for in a car dealership somewhere out there among the stars.

## The 2022 Cast of Criminals

As is tradition in HH, the draft order was determined by manual selection based on reverse order of prior year standings. It's the most complicated way of saying if you sucked, you get first dibs. And as usual, everyone had their own unique strategy.

### 1.) Beach McBungalow

* Owner: Nate "No Nickname" Follett
* Fandom: New England Patriots
* Best Finish: 6th (2019)
* First Round Pick: Jonathan Taylor
* QB Twosome: Cousins/Winston

The No Nickname kid comes in to 2022 almost at the climax of his villain origin story. Years of being beaten down by fantasy has hardened him, turned him into a bitter, salty ocean lime ready to be squeezed into the mouths of his rivals. Taking Taylor was a no-doubter for Nate even when he learned we were in a Superflex, which speaks to his determination to make a decision and then not do any research or make any attempt to have his own mind changed.

### 2.) Laser Rocket Arm

* Owner: Scotty B
* Fandom: Philadelphia Eagles
* Best Finish: 4th (2020)
* First Round Pick: Josh Allen
* QB Twosome: Allen/Rodgers

Scotty B sneakily had two stellar seasons back-to-back and carried some momentum into the 2022 draft, where Yahoo ranked him 4th-best in the HH. The artist formerly known as "The Titanic" decided to **sink** his teeth into a QB, drafting cannon-arm-Allen and complimenting him later with two-time MVP Aaron Rodgers. Of course, Rodgers is out there throwing to KVR and the corpse of Randell Cobb, but it's a decent pairing considering some of the other duos out there.

### 3.) Hasta Laviska Baby

* Owner: Jared "Momma" Allen
* Fandom: The New York Stock Exchange
* Best Finish: 10th (2020)
* First Round Pick: CMC
* QB Twosome: Carr/Mariota

It's always hard to tell where strategy ends and obliviousness begins, but Baby decided to throw a dart at CMC and see if this is the year both legs stay intact. CMC does track as a lower risk in HH, where he can easily be dumped for another elite RB at a moment's notice. Jared is one of two teams that has played all three seasons and never finished higher than 10th, the other being the Commish. If Jared learns how to invest in players the way he invests in corporate banking, he might be able to finally put together a decent portfolio. Other finance puns.

### 4.) Out of Luck

* Owner: Papa
* Fandom: New England Patriots
* Best Finish: 4th (2021)
* First Round Pick: Justin Jefferson
* QB Twosome: Goff/Trubisky

An absolutely unhinged draft strategy. Out of Luck was IN THE DRAFT ROOM watching as the autodraft function didn't draft him a QB. By the time he closed his iPad in disgust, the final starter had gone off the board and Luck did not jump in to override the computer. After trading $100 to Guilloteam, he finally owns someone who will attempt a pass in week 1, but he'll need to do better than Goff to win HH.

### 5.) It's Blitz! Track 2

* Owner: Zach "Ireland" Haskins
* Fandom: New England Patriots
* Best Finish: 1st (2019)
* First Round Pick: Cooper Kupp
* QB Twosome: Tannehill/Brissett

This is certainly a choice. Blitz is projected in the top-three week one, but his QBs are unsustainably mid. Being able to bolster the WR position with Adams and Kupp gives him a leg up on bidding in that category. Blitz has gotten progressively worse since his inaugural run at the title. He'll have to find a way to switch back to track 1 to repeat his path to glory.

### 6.) Henry VIII

* Owner: Commish
* Fandom: New England Patriots or Whoever Tom Brady Plays For and Not Necessarily in That Order But Also Tom Cut it Out with the Botox Right?
* Best Finish: 10th (2019)
* First Round Pick: Justin Herbert
* QB Twosome: Herbert/Tua

Commish has finished one position worse every single year, but because the number of teams kept going up they've essentially been eliminated the same week over and over again, like some sort of sick and twisted version of Edge of Tomorrow without a sexy Emily Blunt there to greet me when I wake up from the nightmarish hellscape that is fantasy. Will this year be different? Probably not. But what is Commish not going to do? Let Fantasy bother him!

### 7.) Mixon it Up With Mahomie

* Owner: Keeling
* Fandom: New England Patriots
* Best Finish: 5th (2019)
* First Round Pick: Patrick Mahomes
* QB Twosome: Mahomes/Fields

Oh, we're doing a double player name pun, huh? And Mahomie is one of them. Cool cool. Well hey, Mahomie hasn't been able to make a mark in several years now and is already at a huge disadvantage with the poor performance from Dawson Knox to kick off the season. Someone else somewhere else will inevitably suck, but it's certainly not an ideal position to be in week one.

### 8.) Mixon Beer with Liquor

* Owner: Derek
* Fandom: New England Patriots
* Best Finish: 1st (2020)
* First Round Pick: Austin Ekeler
* QB Twosome: Mac Jones/Zach Wilson Eventually

Another Mixon name. This one makes no sense because Mixon hasn't been on his team in two years, but the longer it stays the funnier it gets. We're not entirely sure if this team was actually drafting, or if they were drafting but didn't read the text that said Superflex, or if they knew it was Superflex and just really wanted to trade their best player for Mac Jones post-draft. At the end of the day, Mixon traded Tyreek Hill and you won't believe this, they didn't get any better. It may end up being that he was better off not starting a QB week one.

### 9.) The Executioner

* Owner: Reigning Champ Mike
* Fandom: New England Patriots
* Best Finish: 1st (2021)
* First Round Pick: Kyler Murray
* QB Twosome: Murray/Stafford

If Murray actually does his homework and doesn't get put in timeout, he is a great choice at this stage in the first round. Executioner didn't think there would be any chance at getting a bonafide QB1, but with half the league going RB/WR in the first Murray fell to him at 9. Stafford might not have an elbow, so there's trouble in paradise for sure, but otherwise the title defense shouldn't be ending week one barring a disaster. Hashtag MattJinx. The new team name is great, too.

### 10. The Guilloteam

* Owner: Patrick "Bride-to-Be" McAteer
* Fandom: Atlanta Falcons but he's Mad at Them Right Now so Buffalo Bills
* Best Finish: 3rd (2019)
* First Round Pick: Jalen Hurts
* QB Twosome: Hurts/Wilson

Once upon a time, Guilloteam swallowed up all the defenses and left one team with nobody to start week one. This year, with 16 teams and 32 starting QBs, Guilloteam used the same template to deplete the market in the position. As a result, he was able to offload Trubisky and Goff in exchange for $100 and Dobbins. Sounds like a great strategy to me. Coulda been me but I wanted to actually take good players. Guilloteam did all that wheeling and dealing and had to start James Cool to the tune of -1.70. Now he fights for his life.

### 11. Burrow for Sure-O

* Owner: Chantel "Sweet Dee" Van Rossum
* Fandom: New York Jets
* Best Finish: 7th (2021)
* First Round Pick: Joe Burrow for Sure-O
* QB Twosome: Burrow for Sure-O/Wentz

Let's make one thing clear. This is the best team name in the history of civilization. If there is life in the Universe, and they come to Earth, and they ask one team name to be our representative, I nominate this one. Who did Chan take in the first round? For Sure-O it was Burrow. All lowercase too, by the way. No cap.

### 12. Coach Knows

* Owner: Matt "Big Game" Tebo
* Fandom: Green Bay Packers
* Best Finish: 2nd (2020)
* First Round Pick: Lamar Jackson
* QB Twosome: Jackson/Lance

Coach knows one thing: he's back on his own after sharing a bunk with Commish last season. In 2020, his moves gave him a taste of the good life with a runner-up appearance. Now Big Game is hoping to bring some "House of the Dragon" vibes and take back the throne he believes his rightfully his.

### 13. Bad Boys

* Owner: KVR
* Fandom: New York Jets
* Best Finish: 6th (2021)
* First Round Pick: Alvin Kamara
* QB Twosome: Mayfield/NA

I legit do not know if Bad Boys understands what is happening in this league or really in life. But at the same time, I can't be sure he knows way more than everyone else and is just long conning us. The confidence to actual results ratio that I have seen from KVR over the years makes me question my own reality. I legit think that Trump used KVR's fantasy strategy to become president. Just lie about what you know and call everyone else dumb until you win.

### 14. Bobecue Chicken

* Owner: Bob
* Fandom: New York Giants
* Best Finish: 3rd (2021)
* First Round Pick: Dalvin Cook
* QB Twosome: Jones/Mills

Bobecue was brought back to life in 2021 and nearly won the whole thing. It was his best campaign and it was honestly an inspiration to chicken wings everywhere. Bob leaned into his Fandom by taking Daniel Jones as his QB1. Seeing as the Giants are once again expected to be shitty, I hope Bob sticks around in Headhunters. Everyone should get a little enjoyment out of the football season. Fuck NY though. Wan'Dale, wishing you the best. Fuck you Toney, you stink.

### 15. Müller Lite

* Owner: Roger Bacon (name is awesome, no nickname required)
* Fandom: New York Jets
* Best Finish: 2nd (2021)
* First Round Pick: Najee Harris
* QB Twosome: Prescott/Lawrence

No clue what the team name means, not going to ask. Hopefully it will come to me. Roger drafted drunk and forgot it was a superflex league. Once he remembered, he tried to accuse me of sabotaging his draft by withholding key information. Then he realized it was in the text I had sent him a week earlier. Then he ended up with a great draft. It was a wild and hilarious ride.

### 16. DeCaPitated

* Owner: Chris "Pain Train" Pfeiler
* Fandom: New England Patriots
* Best Finish: 2nd (2019)
* First Round Pick: Tom Brady
* QB Twosome: Brady/Ryan

CP opts to go old school with his QBs. The man who willingly took last overall had a pretty insane draft. The Sony Michel/Hardman double pick mid draft threw me. Did he have insider info or something? Who knows. Yahoo was about 50 points happier with his draft than mine so fuck me, right?

## Weeks Survived (2019 v 2020 v 2021)

A quick look back at the previous season's stats.

## Dead Money

Keeping track of all the cash that never got spent by teams that are now eliminated.

Dead Money 2021

## 2021 Week Seventeen Results

An insanely close final week last year. Both teams fell way below their projections and RemDawg left the win on his bench when he started Antonio Brown over Aaron Jones in the final flex position. Antonion Brown had his infamous meltdown mid-game in which he threw his clothing into the stands, did some jumping jacks, and then basically walked away from the NFL. Aaron Jones, on the other hand, did not strip down and do aerobics.

## 2021 Draft Dodgers

One team from the top. One team from the bottom. Who can say for sure, huh.

## Rulers of the Kingdom

2021 first place finishers:

It's pretty clear when Executioner kicked it into high gear. From weeks 13-17, he finished first four times. What changed? In week 12 Wolfe made his biggest move of the season and acquired the triple crown winner Cooper Kupp. As an added bonus, he also won a bid for CeeDee Lamb, Tom Brady, and Rob Gronkowski. With Lamb on the bye week 12, the full might of this roster arrived in week 13. And the rest is history.

## Single Season Scoring Records

Even with the extra game, Mac was not able to make it all the way to the top. With 17 weeks and just 16 teams, I think this might be the year CP's single-season record falls.

## All-Time Combined Points Scored

For a first season, RemDawg really killed it and even got beyond some people with multiple years under their belt. Mac, meanwhile, comes up short mostly due to his 14th place finish two years ago. Another strong showing in 2022 and he could lead the chart.

## Conclusion

I hope everyone has a fun year. I hope we have a new champ (no offense). I hope nobody gets in a fight (looking at you, me).
Best of luck and happy bidding!