Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue

***Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue*** is the fifteenth episode of Just Bad Games, released on March 14, 2020.

## Transcript

*(A Nintendo 64 flies into a town to the citizens' excitement. It turns on and the citizens are disappointed by the game.)*

**Citizen**: You suck!

**Adam**: *Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue* was released in the year 2000 for the Game Boy Color, PlayStation, and Nintendo 64. The games are based on the eighth series of the *Power Rangers* TV franchise.

**Shane**: A string of TV shows that integrated martial arts action, comedy, drama, and a monster of the week formula into an insanely successful cultural phenomenon. We're talking movies, action figures, candles, bottle openers, oh, and dozens of video games too, I guess.

**Adam**: Like *Lightspeed Rescue*. Despite having three separate platform versions released in the same year, these games were not just tweaked ports. They were very different games by completely different development teams.

**Shane**: The Game Boy Color iteration is a 2-D action platformer.

**Adam**: The PlayStation variant is an isometric beat-em-up.

**Shane**: The Nintendo 64 version is a putrid clusterfart trainwreck dumpster slop inferno of a vile, runny sewage mess.

**Adam**: Can we play the Game Boy Color one?

**Shane**: No! We're looking at *Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue* on the Nintendo 64.

**Adam**: We start the game, and to say we're not immediately blown away is a bit of an understatement.

**Shane**: There's a weird set of animations that- well, I guess the term "animation" doesn't really hit the nail on the head here. It's just low-res pictures lazily shifted over a black background.

**Adam**: It's like we entered the interactive web domain of a hip new fruit snack, circa 1997.

**Shane**: "Just Bad Lightspeed Chews"!

**Adam**: "Filled with high-fructose corn syrup and buyers' remorse".

**Shane**: Watch the attention to detail as this Ranger vehicle cleans up this green goo. I'm speechless! They truly "earned" that Nintendo Seal of Quality on this one.

**Adam**: We get to the main menu, where we can choose from "Titanium Quest" and "Megazord Arena". We'll jump into Titanium Quest, as that's the story mode of the game. Hopefully this will be a good way to learn about the Rangers and the challenges that await.

**Shane**: We start Episode 1. We're given expository dialogue over more crappy animation. Turns out the Lightspeed Rangers are about to face their 'toughest challenge yet', which actually, we know nothing about because they haven't really told us anything yet. But they need to train.

**Adam**: Luckily, they have a VR training room, where they can hone their skills for any situation. This being their toughest challenge yet, the team will likely take on virtual representations of some of the craziest enemies and obstacles they've ever faced.

**Shane**: Like jiggly mucus.

**Adam**: 33 seconds. Haven't touched gameplay, and they've already stopped trying.

**Shane**: Into VR training, we're given our very first objective: shoot goo. Right, let's get going.

*(The Yellow Ranger shoots shiny projectiles out of their hands and feet)*

**Adam**: Oh. Oh, oh no.

**Shane**: Ah, lots of thoughts and emotions bubbling up right now, but Power Rangers kicking and punching sparkly projectiles out their gloves and boots? That's a brave choice. You can kick and punch to shoot back and forward using the A and B buttons.

**Adam**: Wait wait wait. Hold on. Is that all you can do here attack-wise?

**Shane**: Yes.

**Adam**: No form of martial arts, strings of attacks, or combos?

**Shane**: Correct.

**Adam**: You're telling me they made a game based on a TV show packed with over-the-top choreographed fight scenes, in which the only offensive move you have is shiny lights you poop from your limbs?

**Shane**: Exactly!

**Adam**: Fine! It's a Power Rangers game that technically has no hand-to-hand combat. Alright. Let's at least try to tackle our objectives here, right? Shoot some goo? We'll just walk on over and- holy shift into turbo, look at this walk cycle!

**Shane**: Not only does it look really awkward, but movement in this game is far more simplistic than other Nintendo 64 titles. With the introduction of the Nintendo 64 controller thumbstick, there was the ability to add nuanced movement in a game. You could have a slow buildup to a run based on how much you were moving the stick- like in *Mario 64*, a game that came out FOUR YEARS before this!

**Adam**: But here, you move the stick a little, even just a bit, and it's this immediate awkward run. At this point, we might as well be using a D-pad to control our Ranger.

**Shane**: Which you can do. Actually, this is one of the rare N64 games that give you player control via D-pad. Combined with shooting forwards and backwards with A and B, and not having any other inputs for this stage, this means we can technically play this level with an original NES gamepad and have just as much functionality.

**Adam**: Brilliant! We spend the rest of this level gracelessly sparkle-kicking goo all across this tiny map of poorly-rendered city, and when we win, we get this:

*("Yay" sfx)*

**Shane**: Wonderful.

**Adam**: Equal parts sad and hilarious.

**Shane**: Now that this dumpster slop is done, on to the next virtual reality training mission: our first driving stage.

**Adam**: How does driving feel?

**Shane**: Awkward! You drive constantly in one direction and slightly adjust your movement up and down the screen. Again, we're lacking nuance here, and it sucks.

**Adam**: What are we even supposed to be doing in this level?

**Shane**: Let's see. Uh, looks like our objective is to put out vehicles that are on fire with our water cannon. But honestly, I'm having way more fun just doing this:

*(The firetruck flings a car into an air, the the "Yay" sfx from the game plays)*

**Adam**: When you do manage to follow your objective and douse the flamy vehicles, they seem to disintegrate cheerfully. It's like we're putting them out of their misery.

**Civilian**: Somebody help me! Alright!

**Shane**: So far, we've had sparkly hand flick goo removal, ricocheting gravity-defying cars- what could possibly be next?

**Megazord**: How about some Megazord action?

**Shane and Adam**: No way!

*(Megazord action gameplay)*

No way...

**Megazord**: This game is very- not good.

**Adam**: So, we're now the Megazord, and we're fighting off a gigantic villain who we- we don't know.

**Shane**: Yes, this is still all taking place in the VR room, or did you forget? Nothing we're doing is real, and we're still given no plot between levels.

**Adam**: There are powerups that drop from the sky, special moves, and basic attacks. None of these things make the fight worthwhile.

**Shane**: The game enters a first-person mode, where you struggle to aim your distance-based rocket attacks and do your very best to defeat the big baddie.

**Adam**: Both you and your towering foe have regenerating health.

**Shane**: Yes! That, coupled with the fact your enemies are weak and dumb as dirt on normal difficulty means that you can literally put your controller down, leave the room, and the enemy will still not be able to kill you.

*("Yay" sfx from the game)*

So, the last few levels, it's safe to say that none of them have been even remotely fun.

**Adam**: Not entirely true.

*(The firetruck flings a car into an air, with a stock scream)*

**Shane**: Anyway, the levels we've played so far, they've all been in some wacky VR training room. Surely, once we get out of VR, we're gonna be treated to better graphics, gameplay, and awesome real-world Power Ranger scenarios.

**Adam**: Right on! So, our first level out of virtual reality is-

**Shane**: More of the same. It's just that first goo level except now, you're clearing trees from a path with your sparkly punches and kicks. Oh look, a sign. Looks like we're near "City".

**Adam**: Apparently, the reason we're clearing this road is because a giant tornado water monster is attacking. We know this because we witnessed a cutscene that provided us with just the most barebones plot imaginable.

**Shane**: And then, we have to go into the subway. Our objectives? SHOOT silly heads. RESCUE Commander Keane and- a rock.

**Adam**: In this stage, we found out that the enemy AI could've used a little more work.

**Shane**: We also found my favorite flavor of generic off-brand soda: 7Oop!

**Shane and Adam**: OOPOOPOOPOOPOOPOOPOOP!

**Adam**: We rescue civilians that are just hanging around waving their arms near the subway tracks, and then we rescue- we rescue a rock.

*(Yay sfx)*

**Shane**: And we're off and rolling back on the road in another driving sequence, but we're not in VR! (gasp) Does that mean they're simply reusing assets again and again, and hoping that we didn't notice?

**Adam**: Woah woah woah woah. Calm down, buddy, Surely, here in the real world, colliding with other vehicles has reprocuss- they still just kind of bounce away, don't they?

**Shane**: You'll have to play this save driving stage multiple times throughout a single playthrough, with just minor changes. Maybe you'll need to put out some fires, clean things up, rescue curiously large citizens, or simply just drive for four minutes without dying.

**Adam**: Actually, there's a great strategy we found for beating the timed vehicle section.

**Shane**: Yeah. Just don't move!

*(The truck makes it to the end of the level without moving, then "Yay" game sfx)*

**Adam**: The correct way to play this is to not play at all. Actually, that's a great philosophy for the entirety of *Lightspeed Rescue*.

**Shane**: Because the game starts recycling assets and ideas more and more. You'll play the same top-down stages multiple times, the same driving stages, and then more Megazord fighting in the exact same arena.

**Adam**: Hey, look, another battle where you can walk away from the controller and the enemy can't win. That's a quality game right there.

**Shane**: To be fair, there was one super-brief moment where we got excited about a different gameplay sequence: a fully 3-D third-person vehicle flight section.

**Adam**: And then we played it.

**Shane**: You fly around the city saving- get this- the Power Rangers, after they were tossed into different parts of the city. They are the Lightspeed Rescue force. We are **rescuing them**. This team is supposed to be the group rescuing everyone else- why do the rescuers need rescuing?

**Adam**: Why does the Yellow Ranger have a much deeper voice when we pick her up?

**Yellow Ranger**: (male voice) Alright!

**Shane**: Why do we have to replay this stage picking up boxes? Oh, look, here's one just outside floating by a building. Nice. And if you fly too close to the boxes, you won't be able to pick them up. I have no idea why.

**Adam**: You may be surprised to learn that this game is riddled with visual glitches. I know, I know, I know, I know. I'm as shocked as you are, Shane. There are visuals in this game that we're actually kind of stumped as to whether they were done purposefully or not. Just look at the enemies you face in the top-down sections.

**Shane**: There's your uh, basic grunt enemies, whose walk cycles look even more hilarious than the Rangers'.

**Adam**: There's these blue shooty fellows that have an unfortunate limp.

**Shane**: And then you've got bouncy green men.

**Adam**: And then there's the bee people. Just- just go ahead and take it in. We don't- I- there's no answers.

**Shane**: Look, it's very, very likely that this game was rushed to market. All these quick asset flips may have been necessary. A *Power Rangers* series is sometimes super-quick, so it's likely that the development team had to strike while the iron was hot and release the game before the Power Rangers became a different cast and theme entirely. But the lock of polish here is amazing.

**Adam**: That brings us to the crown jewel of the game's fast-paced designed nature. Let's talk a little more about these cutscenes. "Hey Jerry, I finished cutting out that one Ranger on my computer! Uh, but there's these- these blue pixels around it. Should I get rid of 'em"?

**Shane**: "Uh, how long will it take you"?

**Adam**: "Oh, like, ten seconds".

**Shane**: "Do you work hourly"?

**Adam**: "Yeah".

**Shane**: "No".

Nintendo 64 games were not known for full-motion video due to space limits on the cart. Some games had them, but it was actually pretty rare, so we weren't expecting a moving masterpiece as far as story delivery was concerned, but come on. Look at this.

**Adam**: The cutscenes look like coloring book pages brought to life with a freakin' monkey's paw. The Rangers look like they're severely cramped up and need to be put out of their misery. All this, while they deliver the most mundane lines with very weirdly-placed emphasis.

**Shane**: "Typhonus will FLOOD the city! We'll GET the Green Ranger back, but right now, we have to SAVE the entire city".

**Adam**: "We'll delay the flood, while you SAVE the people"!

**Shane**: I wish we could tell you that these cutscenes flesh out the individual Ranger characters, or at the very least deliver a fully thought out coherent plot.

**Adam**: Nope. The story is as thin as tissue paper. It just barely adds enough reason for certain levels to exist. Apparently, there was no room for explanation or anything nearing character development.

**Shane**: Some characters don't even look like they do in the show. It's as if the developers had no idea what these folks were actually supposed to look like, as if they made the game and finished it before the show started filming, which now that I'm thinking about it, that's a very distinct possibility.

**Adam**: The game takes about two hours to beat if you really take your time. And the cutscenes take up a full sixteen minutes of that. Oh, and there's just one looping, low-quality music track playing through every section of exposition.

**Shane**: The music is bad, and sound effects in cutscenes are near nonexistent. Here, this is a Megazord powering up. The music should be pumping us up as we hear the weighty parts of the Zord connecting- instead, we get this:

*(Low-quality action riff with no sound effects)*

**Adam**: Hmm. We could probably do better than that. Let's give it a shot.

**Shane**: (whispering) What are you talking about? We don't know the theme song.

**Adam**: What do you mean? Everyone knows the *Power Rangers* theme song.

**Shane**: This is *Lightspeed Rescue*.

**Adam**: (whispering) Follow my lead.

**Shane**: (whispering) Okay.

**Shane and Adam**: (to the tune of "The Chicken Dance") *Danananananana! Dananananana! Dananananana! Go, go, rangers!*

**Adam**: Do you think they bought it?

**Shane**: Well, that right here is about the best you're gonna get out of *Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue*.

**Adam**: Boring gameplay, repeated assets, a story that is barely delivered with terrible, terrible cutscenes. Sure, the Power Rangers franchise has been around a while, and had its fair share of decent video game tie-ins, but *Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue*?

**Shane**: **IT'S JUST BAD.**