Eggman's Long-Legged Drag

okay-- no, nevermind!

**Eggman's Long-Legged Drag** was a Platformer FPS developed by Oneyware and published by Sega. The game was revolutionary to the Sonic franchise, not only for featuring the series main villain as its protagonist, but also having him out of HIS FUCKING MECH CHAIR. The game tells the tale of Eggman as he takes revenge on Sonic and saves the world.

## Plot

~~The story begins at Eggman's darkest hour. He has been humiliated by Sonic for the last time. He picks up an AK, he puts it on his mouth~~-- actually forget about it, I have this other idea, it's way better.

Eggman's Birthday party is at it's finest hour, with him and all his robot friends. Everyone is celebrating when Sonic suddenly shows up and starts destroying everything for no reason like a piece of shit. His cruel assault ends with him running in place on top of Eggman's cake, spraying cake all over the robots and ruining everything.

"You're too fat!" Sonic says. Eggman can barely let out a groan of melancholy before Sonic super-kicks him into space, never to be seen again for the next 7-8 years. He floated through space while frozen, when he eventually met up, miraculously, with his cousin *Maria Robotnik.*

She's been floating through space too, and the cosmic energies running through her body have annihalated her Space AIDS and she's actually fine. As Shadow and the aundience were led to believe, she got shot by the GUN soldiers stoarming the ARK space colony and died. However, we now find out in that dastard moment she happened to be holding a ring that saved her from death, and then she threw herself out the window or something.

Several years had passed for her and now she finally managed to contact other living being. When Maria and Eggman collided, the energy was great enough to heat them both up and free them from the spacial freeze. In order to survive they start to breath into each other's mouths, so then they don't run out of breath.

**(This is still the first cutscene btw)**

They managed to survive for a good few weeks like that, but both had an understanding that it was only a matter of time before they get frozen again. But Eggman devised a plan in those few moments. Once he managed to spot the Earth, he used all his remaining energy to kick himself away from Maria and towards the planet. While he was successful, Maria accidentaly was launched in the opposite direction, directly towards the sun. But instead of being burned to a crisp, she uses Chaos Control to fuse herself with the sun and becomes **MEGA MARIA,** and starts building her Sun Lair Zone.

Through long screams and pain, Eggman breaks through the atmosphere while his legs and arms snap from the sheer force. All appointed to the fact he was about to die of fall damage, but LUCKILY he lands on one lonely ring that saves him from death. He could finally go back to his world-conquering affairs when he menacingly looked to the sky and saw that the sun had turned into Maria's head with bright fire eyes, and she was approaching Earth rapidly. Eggman knew he had to put an end to the monster he created, but he would need some serious help. His only contact now was Shadow the Hedgehog.

After playing through the first level (Garbage Chute Zone), Eggman finally arrives at Shadow's apartment, full of shitty movie posters and cumjars as he was watching Curb Your Enthusiasm. Shadow seemed bothered by Eggman's presence up until he opens the blinds, revealing Mega Maria high up in the sky.

"DAMN!... It can't be... Not here!" he says as he draws his gun and starts shooting it to no avail. Seeing he could do nothing to kill her, he decides to end himself by shotting the off the back of his head off. However that was only a show off to Eggman, demonstrating that he can dodge a bullet like that at point-blank range. Recognizing his powers, Eggman envites Shadow to his Anti-Maria Team (AMT), but he refuses. seeing himself incapable at fighting his one true love Maria.

But then Sonic shows up, and he starts running on Shadow's cake just like he did with Eggman seven years ago. That makes Shadow so mad that he decides to exact revenge immediately, and agrees to help Eggman if they take out Sonic first. To help on their quest, Shadow equips Eggman with a whole arsenal of guns and a new pair jet boots.

They both go after sonic, and after playing the CO-OP second stage (Sonic School House Zone), they eventually meet up with Sonic, now teaching a class on Economics and Gender Studies at the same time, since he's so fast. Eggman and Shadow shoot up the entire campus, killing all the students and forcing Sonic to flee for his life, sacrificing all his students. The AMT duo still feels accomplished regardless, and now they need to figure a way to defeat Mega Maria. Eggman believes that the Master Emerald might be of use, and so they go after Knuckles.

After playing the third level (Crack Nest Zone), they found Knuckles alone in his room, listening to Snoop Dogg's DOGGYSTYLE album while rubbing his cock through his jeans. He was shocked at seeing the duo arriving, bearing his grills into his mouth (?). "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, THIS IS THE MASTER EMERALD!" he says.

In response Shadow shoots off his pinkie finger from inside his glove, and Knuckles sees no other option besides fleeing out the window with his glide. But that was a purposeful curse put on him by Shadow. Since in Japan it's illegal for characters to have only three fingers, Knuckles sudden lack of a pinkie made him a target, and Japan kills him by blowing a bomb at the back of his head while he glides away, becoming some gory firework.

Now in possession of the Master Emerald, Eggman and Shadow built a machine called Dr. Robotnik's Green-Spleen Bean Machine, which uses energy particles powered by the Emerald to create the Infinite Rotation from JoJo part 7, and Shadow shoots Eggman with it. With the power of rotation now in their hands they can finally enter the last stage (The Spindrome Zone).

The two enter the new dimension that just opened up to them in order to generate enough spin power to defeat Mega Maria. However she's aware of this, and uses her power to try and stop you, and so begins the final boss, accompanied by Sonic's home brand of epic butt rock, in the form of Eggman's theme (sounds like One-Winged Angel but with an industrial beat to it like Collective Consciousness). The goal is to make 999 full spins around this planatoid dimension, each taking a minute, making the boss fight take at least 16 hours to beat. It's fucking awbsome.

But before the final spin is completed, Sonic runs in again, and attacks Shadow who was at the backline eating a new cake. Sonic mercilessly runs on his cake a final time, kickstarting the second phase of the final boss, titled Final Cake. Sonic proceeds to lol, and then kick Shadow to death at the speed of sound, smushing his skull in and then running away unpunished. With Shadow dead, the Chaos Control holding the Spindrome ends and making all the build up energy fade away instantly. Maria finds it so god damn funny that she pukes out a tsunami of phlegm towards the Earth.

The entire planet is suddenly covered in a deep layer of puke, which actually protects the planet from her heat, and accidentaly summons a giant **Chaos Final Form** out of her green puke, and he starts fighting Mega Maria in Space. It's so gross that everyone starts puking and laughing. But Mega Maria had enough and get's real serious, and she says "I'm Mega Maria, I'm super serious". So she sucks all the puke back in, and that actually seems to power her up further. Her eyes start getting really bright, and everyone is running around scared and sliping into their own puke...

WHEN SUDDENLY... EVERYONE HEARS A SICK ELETRIC GUITAR SOLO ECHOING IN THE BACK.

Everyone sucks their vomit back in confusion. They look around in confusion until this last hero arrives. And it is **CRUSH 42**, making their first in-universe appearance in the Sonic Franchise. It was supposed to be Crush 40, but they got two extra members, Shadow the Hedgehog and Dr. Eggman (Shadow was holding a ring). And now they have to defeat Maria once and for all, and they have the perfect idea of how. Every member gets into a plane, and they kamikaze attack into Mega Maria's temples about 20 times in each side. By the end only Shadow and Eggman were left. Shadow mentions that 9-11 happened, and that makes Maria really sad, and she starts crying. But because she's made out of fire, her cry actually puts her out. She's finally defeated, but now the sun is gone, and life on Earth is doomed.

And so, Credits Roll.

...

...

But WAIT! there's one last post-credit scene, showing life on Earth growing back, and people living their normal lives without the sun. Because, somehow, Dr. Eggman got to the core of the planet, and sacrificed himself for the good of all by using his infinite rotation to keep the Earth spinning really fast on itself, generating enough heat to save the world. He's sitting there in fetal position, the music stings, and we cut to black.