Gauge Theory

## Introducktion

*"Gosh, we oughtta grow more castor beans. These mallards are out of control!"* - Dick Crump, a prominent Oklahoma castor oil farmer (1955)

It was long known to man that the oil pressed from beans of the castor oil plant were the most effective duck deterrent. One drop contained the potency to drop one hundred ducks. Thus, you were an idiot if you thought to use anything other than castor oil.

Little known fact, Natural Selection itself was undergoing a new type of selection. Scientists were too busy studying nucular weapons and scoffed at the idea of studying "trivial ducks." But, as more ducks were killed, stronger ducks replaced them. These newer generation ducks became highly resistant to castor oil over just a short period of time.

By the early 1960s, ducks were everywhere. Psychochiatrists at the time had to come up with a new bullshit term for the fear of ducks, called *anatidaephobia* (fear of ducks watching you). Conspiracy theorists did mention castor oil as being a major factor in the rise of the mallards, but were shut down by the general public and so they quickly moved on to more important theories involving the moon being made of cheese.

## Public Reaction

It wasn't until April 20th, 1969 that a young man by name of Myron Harris published a paper that would shock the world. In this paper, he proved that the populations of ducks across the world, not just the US, were developing an enormous tolerance to castor oil, and would soon become "infinitely immune" to any possible extract of the beans.

Although people at the time weren't literate enough to comprehend Harris's proof, they believed it because his IQ was off the charts. In fact, his IQ was so unimaginably high, that there wasn't even a number large enough to describe it. Number Theory was halted for several decades thereafter.

Harris was offered a position to work at NASA, which he declined because he was suspicious of the Space Race, claiming that it was simply a diversion created by the CIA. So, Harris began to write in his journals about a solution to combat the ducks' "unnatural selection," which he referred to as "Wrath."

## Gauge Theory

While developing his plan for Wrath, Harris began studying firearms and noisey crickets. He realized that in order to achieve his goals, he would have to invent a weapon so powerful that it could take out an entire flock of ducks in one hit. Cannons came to mind, but were far too bulky and inaccurate. So, Harris developed Gauge Theory.

Gauge Theory states that "as the gauge of a shotgun is decreased, the weight of the lead sphere is increased." Myron's formula (as shown below) proves this through not just random numbers, but pi itself.

Scientists and methematicians were skeptical at first, because, after all, don't numbers end at 0? Well, Harris didn't agree with them. He imagined of theoretical "negative-gauge shotguns" that could kill flocks of ducks through "transception," a process by which lead spheres already were inside of the target ducks before the shotgun's trigger was even pulled.

During a presentation at Harvard, in his final attempt to explain Gauge Theory, all of the scientists in their white lab coats stood up and laughed at Harris. They threw beakers at him, and mocked him, calling him a "white coat wannabe." Harris was confounded and soon developed a hatred for the scientists, whom he referred to as "white coats." Harris's original solution to kill ducks had shifted to a deep loathing of scientists and their ways.

## Wrath

While Wrath was coming along, the Gay Albino Scientists were coming out. Harris knew he had limited time to enact his plan, and he also knew that he would need more than just noisey crickets to destroy the white coats. Harris spent over a month engineering his very own shotgun, which he named Rebecca (Reb for short) and cleaned the inner barrels using vodka.

On April 1st, 1979, Harris entered Rocky Mountain Labs (near Denver) and dropped off a large box, which appeared to be a present because it looked nice on the outside. But on the inside, it was full of noisey crickets. Since it was April Fool's, the Gay Albino Scientists thought it was just a joke or a daldo, and they laughed while opening the present. Upon opening the present, they quickly realized they had been fooled, and tried to run, but it was too late.

Harris, now at the ass-end of the laboratory, dressed in a black trenchcoat and wearing sunglasses, began pointing his newly engineered shotgun through one of the labs' windows. As a Gay Albino Scientist recalls,

*"We just saw this guy outside with a black coat on... He was looking through the windows and we were all laughing, dancing to YMCA. Times were good, but we had no idea what this all meant for us."*

Harris fired a single blast from his shotgun, which was so poweful that it sent him flying backwards. Upon standing back up, Harris looked at the newly-formed crater in the building. Although never officially confirmed, post-analysis of the blast estimates that Harris was using "at most, a 0.0002 gauge shotgun." How he was able to build such a weapon and develop the ammunition for it remains a mystery, even to the NRA. But, Harris was highly intelligent.