Speech From the The Throne - 2015

Recited by the Rt. Hon. Taylor Brown in his inaugural throne speech for the 2015 session of Parliament.

*My dearest Canadians,*

*When we think of Canada what comes to mind? Hockey? Sure.*
Poutine? Of course. Cold winters? Without a single doubt. But what is the one
thing that links all of these together?
Each of these are much better off when paired with an ice-cold beer.

*It is with this in mind that the CASE party saw its noble*
beginning. Canadians from coast to coast to coast enjoy beer on a daily basis; beer
is not only a beverage, but also a way of life. Unfortunately this fact has
been ignored by past administrations.
Still today, opposition parties in this country ignore the importance of beer
in the lives of Canadians.

*Allow me to share a short story from my past. As I was handed my first beer,*
it was a bit scary. Canadians have enjoyed this resource for ages, but would I
like it? Would it live up to its hype?
I took a sip and as the liquid gold poured into my mouth, my entire destiny
changed. No longer would I be ordained to become a lumberjack in the far
reaches of Kanata, but I would take my first steps towards ensuring that this sacred
beverage would be protected under my watch. That was perhaps the best sixth
birthday someone could ever ask for.

*What came next was obscurity. Families – taxed heavily for*
beer. Children – denied from this critical dietary staple. I spent the next
years of my life building a new kind of political movement; a movement that
would protect the very substance that makes Canada the true North strong and
free.

*My fellow Canadians, the days of worrying where our next*
beer will come from are well behind us, for this strong stable national CASE
minority government will ensure that the golden brew, along with all of its
national significance, are fully protected under our bold new legislation.

*The answer we have for Canadians is titled the Alcoholic*
Action Plan. Drafted
by this country’s finest legislative minds, the Alcoholic Action Plan has been
brewing for years, pumping ages of research and development to the legislative tap.
We are proud to present Canadians with the most significant bill in the history
of our nation. Imagine, a
plan that would ensure Canada’s alcoholic independence; a plan that would
oversee the construction of a Keystone Light pipeline; a plan that will end
child unemployment – for good.
Canada’s Alcoholic Action Plan is moving Canada forward.

*In the most recent general election, our party was given a*
mandate to implement beer driven policy – and that we will proudly do. Still, with this mandate
awarded, opposition parties continue their reckless rhetoric that would see
Canada return to a state of alcoholic recession.

*Quite simply, our plan is built by Canadians; real Canadians.*
People whom everyday get up, and crack open a beer to tackle the challenges of
everyday life.

*Our government will supply good policies on tap, and at no*
shortage. The first priorities of our newly formed government will be the
following:

* We will quash consumer confusion with the

relabeling of all beverages with an alcohol content of 3.9% or less as “soft
drinks”;

* We will refocus foreign aid based on the needs

of thirstiest;

* We will build and maintain the Keystone Light™

pipeline, brining ice-cold rocky mountain glacier beer to Canadians as well as
our international allies;

* We will end child unemployment. Furthermore, this

small handed workforce will be equipped with the best tools to keep Canada
moving, and to keep pipelines in clean operation;

* To commemorate the losses and hardships suffered

during the Temperance Movement, we will erect a Monument to the Victims of
Prohibition;

* We will oversee the revitalization of Canada

Post by introducing nation-wide vacuum-tube mailing systems – this technology
will also be utilized for the transportation of people;

* We will make long-term investments into our

communities by establishing the Microbrewery Creation Fund;

* We will crack down on criminals drinking with

their dominant hand;

* To study the long term effects of heavy alcohol

consumption, we will provide a research grant to Rob Ford.

* Finally, we will put refreshing democracy back

into the hands of Canadians. Next time you enjoy a specially-marked Canadian brew
– look under the cap – you may be your provinces fresh new Senator.

*As Canadians, the path we must take is now a clear choice.*
Alcohol independence is on the horizon, and not at a moment too soon.
Prosperity is not measured by the amount of super models you fit in your rap
videos, nor is it by rejecting the outside world and isolating Canada in a
stereotype driven wonderland. While pizza is great with beer, one cannot fuel
progress on gluten, tomato sauce, and cheese alone. And the only sensible
solution we see is the passing of the plan that will give Oktoberfest a run for
its money.

*I now speak directly to all members of parliament whom were*
sent here by their honourable constituents. Help us strengthen Canada. Join us
in providing Canadians with one of our finest resources. Ensure that in all
your partisanship, you hear the Canadian people’s outcry for Hops and Hard
Liquor.

*I’d now like to quote one of North America’s most cherished*
philosophers; Taylor Alison Swift. She asked recently “Are we out of the woods
yet? Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods? Are we in the clear
yet? Are we in the clear yet? In the clear yet?”

*To answer her: Yes. We are out of the woods, we are in the*
clear. Canada’s Alcoholic Action Plan is our lifeboat from a sinking ship of
bad alcoholic management and policy. We are brewing the way to a more
refreshing Canada.

*Before I conclude, I would like to make it as clear as a*
crisp, golden pilsner that I respect each and every Member of Parliament. That
being said, we have all witnessed increased tension between parties. In the
spirit of democracy, fraternity, and cooperation, I would like to offer the
leader of each opposition party a cold, refreshing Keystone Light to begin our
fourteenth Parliament.

*Thank you all; it is my privilege to govern with you.*