4-7 (2)

## Carl Goes to Hell for His Crimes

Carl was alone in the room.

There were no noises other than the dried glilk curtains fluttering in front of the open window. A soft *whoosh* of wind, and they crackled against the wall, milky white in the sun.

He turtled over to the cumwood chair propped up under the window. Carl pulled himself up, the blanket draped over the chair sliding off, drifting to the ground, landing in a heap. A puff of dust rose from the folds of the fabric. Tiny white particles danced in the light, in the warm glow of the window. He sighed. The seat was sun-warmed and sticky, and the perfect size for a turtle.

Carl gazed out the window he was barely tall enough to see out of. Golden sand dunes surrounded the palace as far as the eye could see. The cloudless sky was cornflower blue. A faint phrog croak interrupted the wind. Another croak, sounding louder and more panicked, and then dead silence. The wind swept over the silence, like nothing had ever happened.

Carl climbed higher on his stubby little legs to get a better view. He lifted his foot and sticky white strands of coom stretched between his foot and the seat. Carl looked down, out the window. A coyote with a phrog in its mouth, lingering by the palace walls, dashed up the mountains of sand and disappeared over the dunes.

Carl was home, in glorious Landysandia. He sat back down comfortably on the wet, sticky chair, wishing he had some cereal.

The calming wind was broken by a crash and a shattering noise. Carl looked up in surprise.  The Kool-Aid man peered at him from the newly-made hole in the wall, and yelled, “Oh Fuck!” He looked Carl in the eye and roared, “CAN’T A  SNAKE LASH THEIR TAIL WITHOUT HITTING A DICK LIGHT?”

Carl’s wistful dreams faded, and as he stirred awake, he longed for his room back in the palace.

Carl woke up on a hard cement floor, sticky with blood. A giant whale cock was on the floor nearby. A lampshade and lightbulb were shattered on the floor next to it. A dark green figure slithered past the broken glass, swearing. “Fuck Leo and his fucking lamp, fucking corn cunt. Glad that bitch motherfucker died.”

Snake looked over and saw Carl warily getting to his feet in the corner. He whimpered pathetically at the sight of Snake.

“Did you get your beauty sleep, you fucking tumblr wannabe sexyman bitch, Leo-bottoming whore?” they sneered. “It’s about time you woke up and forgot about your horny ass froot-loop horse cock eating ball juicing dreams.

“Cock” coccoccocc occoccc

“PLease let me eat cereal in peace,” Carl groaned, and he tucked himself inside his shell, where he no doubt had a collection of froot loops and coom.

“Fuck no, I’m taking you to hell,” Snake said. “For your crimes against humanity.”

They grabbed Carl by the hand and shoved him out the door.

## Snake Goes to Lust for Starbucks

Rainy, Snake, Pcab, and Carl were gathered in Muscle Man’s jail cell.

"Alright, so shall we enter?" Rainy asked, looking around. Muscle Man fearfully glanced up at the people gathered in his cell, ready to enter hell. He was now old beef and in no mood to fight them.

Rainy sneered down at muscle man's pathetic lump of flesh, and kicked him to the side to make room :D

Muscle man whimpered pathetically and crawled back to his corner to finish his oatmeal. His once gleaming teeth were now yellowed and dull. *Why do they even keep me alive anymore? Why am I here just to suffer?* He thought of his beloved Sandy looking down at him from above.

"You wanna come with you piece of beef? Maybe you'll see your beloobed Sandy in hell," Pcab taunted.

Muscle Man looked up hopefully, then banged his head with his spoon. "What do you mean, in hell?" But there was a new fire in his eyes. Imagine seeing Sandy again! Their short adventures had been stopped short by Pcab, though. Doubt fogged his mind. Should he go with them? Was it a trap? He shrugged off that last thought. Even if it killed him, he would take this chance to see Sandy again.

"Well your lovely Sandy sure went to hell ugly boy, did you think he went to *heaven*?" Pcab’s sharp words cut away his thoughts.

Muscle Man glared at her.

Rainy awkwardly stood to the side and let pcab do her thing. Xe didn't really know what was going on, so they just went with it. “Let’s just get this over with.”

"let me have my moment >:(” Pcab said.

There was an awkward silence.

“Hey fucker,” Snake said.

"Technically he wouldnt be a fucker if he never fucked," Pcab snorted.

“Or got fucked,” Rainy added.

“Virgin,” Pcab said.

Rainy shuffled awkwardly. :aomg:

Pcab looked up and saw a framed picture of Meat Baby on the wall behind Muscle Man. A picture taken mere days before his *unexpected* death…(cough cough Pcab drowned him in peanut oil and gasoline).

“Oh shit yeah he did fuck,” she realized “Anyway—”

“You got my fucking husband pregnant dipshit **time to die—**” Snake started aggressively.

“Guys, let’s focus. We can harass him later, I just want Octa back.” Rainy said.

"I said it before let me have my moment" >:( Pcab sNaPpEd

“No one gives a shit, Pcab," Muscle man scoffed, and leaped into the portal on the ground. Except it wasn't a portal. He was hallucinating.

“ow," he complained, and hopped around on one tAuT leg.

Rainy: :aomg:

"Lmao you fucking dumbass, are you suffering from muscular distrophy? Must be a sad life." Pcab said disdainfully.

"I'm just getting old listening to you fuck Snake on a chair upstairs," Muscle Man snapped impatiently. "Can we get going?"

“Dumbass I’m fucking Pcab do your ears work?” Snake corrected. “Your ugly ass muscle ears.”

"Wait, he's coming?" Carl cut in.

"Silence, whore" snapped Rainy.

"If he's coming I'm gonna commit a crime," Pcab stated.

"You don't even have ears, you have side holes," Muscle man replied to Snake.

“you’re Sandy’s *side hole*” Snake h i s s e d.

Rainy opened a portal in the middle of the cell, with red glowing sigils surrounding it, illuminating the dark room. They looked back at pcab and sanke. "Well, off we go," and jumped through.

Carl waddled like the fatass he is into the portal. There was a brief scream from him as he fell in.

Pcab clumsily tripped and fell face first into the portal with a shriek. And Snake 𝕤 𝕝 𝕚 𝕕 𝕖 𝕤 in. Muscle man shoves his fat ass in the portal and it closes behind him, he just barely makes it in. The edge of one of his toenails is sliced.

"ew the old beef is coming? Gross." Pcab’s voice sounded from somewhere below as Muscle Man fell down the portal.

“Woah this is cool!” Carl cried, falling in the rainbow shaft of light that pointed straight down, to where hell was. The portal closing above him, the light faded away, and the darkness engulfed them.

“What—” They tumbled down, and the air around them got hotter, the smell of blood seeped into their nostrils. A red glow steadily shined from somewhere far, far below. Was this hell? The gang was still falling, and they were accelerating still. Pcab yelled something, but it was lost in the air as they barrelled towards the gray clouds shrouding the ground somewhere under.

After what seemed like hours of falling, they all arrived in France, hell. Rainy gracefully landed on xir toes, floating down onto the ground, while Snake slithered onto the ground and Pcab faceplanted, getting back up with a grunt, along with Carl and Muscle Man.

“OH COME ON,” Pcab groaned.

Snake picks up Pcab with their tail and drags them along like a toddler.

They looked around, searching for any signs of where Octa could be. Nothing. A grove of tall poplar trees surrounded the travelers. Their dark leaves reflected the mood of the air around them. A lonely ashen path led the way out of the grove, into the bOweLs of HeLL.

**"Where is Satan,"** Pcab demanded as Snake slithered down the path, dumping Pcab on the ground behind them.

“Why are you looking for Satan?” Rainy questioned.

“I wanna kick Satan in the nuts," Pcab answered at the same time Muscle Man blurted, “because he’s hot,”. Pcab got up off the ground, dusted herself off and stomped on his foot.

“....understandable have a great day,” said Rainy. “But let’s find Octa first.”

“Wouldn't finding Satan be the quickest way to find Oct?” Pcab reasoned. “Cause he could be like "the lil shit is over there grinding corn for the dogs". Carl nodded in agreement because he didn’t want to be strangled.

“Satan also owes me a favor, so that can be used against him,” Snake added.

Rainy sighed. "Fine then, we'll see if Satan knows where Octa is." They passed a conveniently placed sign that read 'this way to Satan's Castle'. The group followed the winding path to where Paris would be. Glowing red rocks littered the path. It was hot and stuffy. The walk was long and hard. Snake, Rainy, Pcab, Carl, and Muscle man arrived at the castle, Muscle man limping, sweating, and slowing them down.

“Hurry up, fuck your ass” Snake hissed at the pile of slow taut beef. Muscle man whimpered and dragged his nearly-dead carcass along with them. And so, they entered Satan’s castle. The doors were wide open, so why not?

The group wandered through the halls, led by Snake, as Snake was the only one who had spoken to Satan before. They walked/slithered by glass cases with radioactive bananas, 5 foot cumwood sculptures/dildos, and samples of forehead skin pinned to a styrofoam board. The long black carpets led the way to Satan’s throne room. The palace was suspiciously dead quiet: not even the screams could penetrate the walls.

“Hey gurl,” Snake started casually.

"Satan is a girl ? 0- o" Pcab bloobered.

"Satan is an nb lesbian," said Rainy.

“So hey bitch uh— I’m looking for my son, got stabbed with a key? Tally Hall obsession? Sound familiar?” Snake asked. They quickly looked around the throne room palace, and sPiKy rEd  INteRiors owo. “You owe me a favor.”

“Wait, do you have balls because I would love to stomp kick them,” Pcab added unhelpfully.

Satan looked down at Snake, unamused. "Oh *that* one? The other day I heard him humming something about vehicles and fucking? Anyway, he'll be somewhere down the lava river with the other souls of the damned, you can't miss him."

“Aight Rainy, let’s go get your man,” Snake told Rainy.

“You mean you want to *revive* him?” Satan scoffed. Snake was taken aback. “Ily fucking killed him, killed my favorite child!”

“Lol he deserved it,” sneered Pcab. Rainy glared at her.

“My son will marry a murderer? That can’t be good for the family reputation, especially after Chesmama’s grand theft auto.” Satan realized.

“You’re literally Satan,” Carl piped up before Snake slapped their tail over his shell to shut him up. Satan shrugged.

“If Octa comes back to life, she won’t be as much of a murderer as before,” Snake tried to reason. Even though Ily would still very much be a murderer.

“CAN I STOMP KICK YOUR BALLS?” Pcab screamed again. “IF YOU HAVE ANY”

“Yes Pcab, go ahead and get the bitch,” Snake permitted.

“NO YOU CANNOT,” Rainy begged. They very much wanted Octa back and stomp kicking Satan in the balls wouldn’t make him agreeable.

“I NEED TO STOMP KICK HIS BALLS” Pcab wailed, sounding once again like a little toddler.

“*DO NOT*” yelled Satan.

Pcab stomp kicked Satan’s balls anyways. She leaped onto the throne, wedging her foot into Satan's crotch, to his surprise. Before repeatedly bashing with her foot. While Rainy desperately and not so successfully tried to hold her back. Snake didn’t really care. This went on for like a full minute. Both Muscle Man and Carl shied away from Pcab because their balls were also in danger now. Satan was supposed to have balls of steel but they didn’t stand a chance against Pcab.

“*Fuck you,*” he cursed through gritted teeth, and disappeared into smoke.

“kinky,” Snake smirked.

“FUCK YOU AND YOUR RED SKINNED ROASTED ROTISSERIE CHICKEN ASS” Pcab screeched. “Your favor has been returned, Snake. Well, that was easy, anyways where do we find Oct.” Rainy let out an eXasPeraTed siGh and looked out the window, towards the Lava river.

“We should get going, Octa’s waiting.”

The group traveled while Muscle Man trudged along down the halls, letting out pained whimpers every now and then

"Shut up you piece of old meat, if you die in here your flesh will be too rotten to eat" Snake snapped.

Muscle man felt tears well up in his eyes like he was a bratty toddler who didn't get the candy they wanted, and stomped the ground in a temper tantrum, only to wince at the pain it caused.

“Fuck off taut bitch, go fuck yourself like Leo,” Rainy growled. “Speaking of which, shouldn’t he be here?” Leo, the top whore who spent much of his life in hell, was nowhere to be seen.

"I heard he was still on trial for something about his sons," Pcab replied. “Though I’m pretty sure he’s been hired as Satan’s insane doctor..”

“Can’t we move the execution up? We gotta kill that carl whore. No offense Carl," Rainy suggested.

damn that's kinda mean :(" Carl whispered. He was dreaming about cum chairs and sand phrogs when Snake had dragged him out of bed to go to hell. Even now that he was in hell, he was still being insulted and tormented.  \*sad second favorite ẅℋⓘ🅣ⱸ ßöÿ noises\*

*insert Carl going on a tangent why he shouldn’t die*

Rainy looked around for any signs of where octa could be, but couldn't see past the sea of dead wandering souls. The sky above was not obscured by rocky cliffs and dark, smoky clouds. A clear patch of blue-gray sky hovered over them. There were clouds, and mountains, and a general scene that didn’t look like it belonged in hell.

A golden field of corn glittered beyond the path, under the sky. But as Rainy leaned in closer, they could see that the blades of grass were blades of glass, and every leaf and stem was sharp, sharp enough to slice a living human. Souls floated through the plants, completely untouched as they gathered corn, the only thing they seemed able to grasp.

The group split up, agreeing to search for octa in different directions

A familiar voice screamed “two trucks having sex” and Muscle man’s entire body flexes the closer they get, the more it flexed.

Eventually, deep in the field, they find Oct, still wearing a suit and grinding corn. Snake lifted another five feet of sAnKe off the ground, balancing on their tail. They peered over the scarily tall corn plants. “Definitely him.”

Rainy saw Octa in the distance and ran towards him, stopping when they noticed the numerous bloody scars left by Ily's key.

"OCTA GET YOUR FAT ASS OVER HERE” Pcab screeched.

“First of all that’s super fucking rude— second of all, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?” Octa yelled back.

"FAT ASS??" Rainy screamed at Pcab. This was all very amusing to Snake and very frustrating for Rainy and Pcab.

"SHOULD I CALL HIM TOOTHPICK NECK OR SOMETHING" Pcab lashed back.

"We've come to take you back into the overworld! You're not supposed to die yet,” Rainy explained to Octa, trying to ignore Pcab’s blubbering and screeching.

"You died but we're dragging your ass out of here," Pcab put simply. Which was actually an accurate statement, thanks pcab

“If I’m not supposed to die yet, *then why was I brutally stabbed,* R a i n y?” Octangula retorted. The stab wounds darkening his suit and his dislocated shoulder poking out of his back seemed to stare at them.

“Your sister’s a bitch,” Snake answered. Which was entirely true but heavily understated.

“Ily is a lil bitch,” Rainy echoed.

"Oct shut the fuck up before I stab you with a key myself," Pcab warned. She didn’t like it when people didn’t let her have her moment. And iLy was also kind of her favorite. "Let's GO dipshit.”

“I’M NOT LEAVING WITH YOU PCAB YOU JUST FUCKING *THREATENED ME,*” Oct steamed, floating higher above the corn plants, a few ears falling out of his pockets. “And wow! I had no idea Ily was a little bitch. How could I have guessed. Wow.”

**"Listen dear, I am going to drag you out of here by your flimsy-ass arm if I have to, whether it's against your will or not, and you are going to ENJOY it."** Rainy insisted. They reached up to drag Oct back down, but he was too high up to reach.

 Oct protested, **“I FEEL ATTACKED RIGHT NOW, IF THIS WAS A PLOT TO INSULT ME IT’S WORKING VERY WELL.”**

"I STOMP KICKED SATAN'S BALLS AND I WOULD DO IT TO YOU TOO COME ON" Pcab roared. Spit flew from her mouth and right through Oct’s soul.

“,,,good argument. I'll come back I guess. But anyways— please get me the fuck out of here. This place is trash.”

"We still have unfinished business with carl and muscle man." Rainy turned and glared at the two. They seemed to shrivel up and die in xir gaze.

"Listen, I know I fucked Leo, but I'm innocent,” Carl pleaded, his short turtle legs melting on the hot ground. He looked down, in alarm, and then he was gone. His shell clattered on the rocks. A green-haired wHiTe bOy rose from beneath the shell. The shell morphed into a top hat on his head. Carl sank to his knees and begged. “Please, I’m innocent, don’t leave me here, Leo blackmailed me, I—” Snake motioned for him to shut up.

“Who the hell are they? Why did the turtle one— uh— do it with Leo?” Oct stuttered. Carl reached under his hat for a packet of Froot Loops, ripped it open, and began munching on them sadly.

"It's...a lot to explain. I don't even really know, myself,” Rainy admitted.

"are you so dumb you dont know muscle man—" Pcab scoffed.

“I know *the muscly bitch,* but the turtle’s new. Give me a break dude :(“ \*sad octa noises\*

"Turtle did it with Leo, end of story," Pcab explained. She tried not to think about the other horrible things Carl had done.

"Should we just drop Carl off in Australia? He's bound to burn in one of the fires," Rainy suggested.

“Disgusting! Never needed to know that. Thanks. And I do think we should set him alight, Rainy.”

"Let's just leave him here to do your job or something" said Pcab.

Rainy glared down at Muscle man again, then looked back up. "What do we do with taut bitch over here?"

"Well we could roast him up to eat" Pcab proposed airily.

"What the fuck no," Rainy replied like a sensible person.

“What’s with you and cannibalism, Pcab?” Oct cried.

“...you should've seen what she did to the nurse,” said Rainy.

Pcab shrugged like it was no big deal. “She deserved it.”

“Yeah it was pretty penky,” Snake noted.

"Snake you are literally Pcab's wusband—" Rainy began.

“*And*” Snake challenged.

"Say it was penky and you'll end up with the same fate as that nurse," Pcab warned. “I'm fucking leaving you here to rot, Rainy.”

“Try me, bitch,” Rainy replied threateningly.

Rainy opened up another portal, this time with a whitish glow coming from it, and jumped back into the overworld, taking Octa with xem.

“\*Falls into the portal decently\*”, Pcab expressed. “I'm not gonna faceplant into the portal again.” She looked behind at Muscle Man and Carl, stumbling to reach the portal. Pcab smirked and kicked them down, vanishing into the portal with Rainy and Oct before it closed.

They arrived back in the overworld. The small jail cell was cramped, but at least it wasn’t hell anymore.

“Oh thank goodness— hell kinda sucked,” Oct said in relief.

"I can tell honey, you look horrible go wipe all that blood off of you," Rainy observed.

“I just got stabbed to death and you’re saying I look bad?” Oct complained lightheartedly (ah yes /lh moment)

"Am i wrong though? No.”

“Shouldn't we shove your soul back into your body?” Pcab brought up. Right now Oct was floating around like a helium balloon and he would probably be sucked into an air vent if they didn’t put him in a jar.

“Yes, that’d be helpful,” Oct answered.

Pcab ran upstairs, the dungeon door clanging shut behind her. They heard a yell and some cursing and kicking above as Pcab presumably tripped on the stairs.

“Well then,” Rainy said awkwardly. “How are you doing?”

“Stabbed to death and literally went to hell and back, thanks for asking,” Oct replied. He took a look around the cell, at the bench, small bed, and bowl of oatmeal on the floor. There was a long, awkward silence. Not the pOwEr oF LoVe jumping in to reunite them, just silence. The two of them were alone in the cell. Carl and Muscle Man were thankfully probably burning in hell.

“Where’s Snake?” Oct realized.

Before Rainy could answer, a loud, rumbling noise boomed above them, obnoxiously interrupting their brief moment alone together. Someone, no, *about six people* screamed shrilly.

The dungeon doors were blasted open and the few other prisoners stirred from their rest, startled.

“Guess who’s back, bitches?” Pcab whooped as a wheeled hospital bed burst through the doors. She stood on the front end of the bed, a janitor broom in her hands. Pcab jabbed the broom at the ground like she was rowing a boat. She sped down the narrow dungeon corridors, and stabbed it down, stopping in front of Muscle Man’s cell at the very back. Pcab whipped around behind her and lifted something long, wrapped in bloodstained sheets, tossing it through the open gates into Rainy’s lap. She grinned at the look of shock on their faces.

“,,Did you— *did you ride down the stairs on a hospital bed with my body?*” Oct sputtered. He looked at the bloody bundle tossed across Rainy’s lap.

“Does Snake slither?” Pcab responded and rolled her eyes. “Do you think I’m a coward?”

“But— why?” Rainy choked, setting the body on the bench next to them. Slowly unwrapping the sheets. All they knew was that Oct had been stabbed to death with Ily’s key—xe hadn’t seen the body yet. And Oct’s soul didn’t reflect his body entirely.

“What the fuck,” Rainy said softly, at dark, jagged wounds and pale bloodless skin, as Oct commented, “oh damn”.

“Anyways, in you go,” Pcab demanded, and reached over to shove Oct’s glowing soul back into his body, cold and bloody on the floor, until her hands passed right through his soul. Pcab, caught off-guard and losing her balance, tripped over the body and faceplanted on the floor. Oct’s soul winced at the way his body was being treated. (do not take this to be sexual out of context please)

Rainy grasped the embodiment of octas soul in their hands, the soul drifting through xir fingers like wisps of smoke. Xe guided them back into Octa's body, but the soul bounced off and landed on the floor, before floating up again to exactly where they were before.

Octa looked down at his body still on the floor.

“,,,I could live like this, I guess,” he offered. “It’s not really as fun as living, but I can float through walls and—”

Rainy tried to grab him by the shoulders, but their hands went straight through. The warmth of Oct’s soul reminded them what really mattered.

“How can you slam me into a table if you’ll just float through?”

:pensiveworm:

“Save your fucking romantic moments for later i ate a nurse im tired,” Pcab yawned.

Snake slithered through the portal feebly glowing on the floor still, with Starbucks.

“I was getting iced coffee, what’d I miss?”

“snaKE WHAT THE FUCK” Rainy bellowed, jumping up from their seat.

“THERE WAS A STARBUCKS IN HELL AND NOBODY TOLD ME??” Oct cried.

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT" Rainy shouted back.

“ *IT’S THE POINT NOW*” Oct screamed. “Snake where was it. What circle of hell.”

“Lust,” Snake replied, sipping their Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice. Snake paused. “Is that a circle of hell? I don’t fucking know. It was where the horny bitches were.”

“HONEY IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I'M GOING TO KISS YOU" Rainy exclaimed.

“DID YOU MEAN KILL OR WAS THAT INTENTIONAL??” Oct aDjUrEd.

“It could be whatever you want, I guess,” Rainy shot back, with a wink or some shit.

“Anyways,” Oct continued, ignoring xem. “I think we should exile Ily and/or tear off her legs. Opinions?”

Pcab stared at the couple awkwardly. “Uh,” she started. “Her punishment is no Genshin and that’s it.”

Rainy ignored the ridiculous idea of not brutally murdering xir sister-in-law and responded to Oct, “Would we supply her with prosthetics or leave her on her own?”

Pcab rolled her eyes and turned to Snake to yell at them for the hEiNoUs cRiMe of drinking decaf.

“Leave her on her own. She doesn’t deserve legs and Genshin.”

“Very well then. Shouldn’t we put her on trial first? No one’s seen her since your murder.”

“I mean, I don’t know how trials work, but sure. Dramatic effect.”

“Nah, no Genshin,” Pcab tried feebly. “No Genshin, that’s final.”

“Alright then! When Ily wakes, she will be put on trial.” Rainy said cheerfully, still ignoring her.

“Alrighty then! And what do we do now that I’m not fucking dead and Ily’s going to be locked away for her crimes,” Oct said cheerfully, oblivious to Rainy sliding a table into the room.

Rainy slapped the table, startling the Squad™. “This bad boy can-”

“No,” Snake sighed, sloshing the ice in their coffee around because I can’t fucking drink things without ʂ ℒ ö Ⓢ ℋ ï Ꞥ ⒢ them what the fuck.

“What the fuck. Where did the table come from,” Octa said, his cheer at his sister’s legs being removed having vanished at the sight of the furniture.

Oct’s dramatic sigh was broken with the sound of Pcab’s hand slamming into the stiff fabric of Rainy’s hat. “This dumb shit can-” Rainy frowned. “I’m joking.”

Snake s l i t h e r e d up behind their hife and slapped her ass. “THIS DUMB BITCH CAN-”

“Penky,” Rainy whispered, now seated on the table. Pcab glared at Snake.

Oh god it’s becoming 18+,” Oct murmured in sheer horror. Despite being brutally murdered and sent to hell, an ass slap was too much.

“Octa, you can go get your Starbucks in the Lust section of hell,” Rainy winked at him. “I am a maid though, I could get it for you-”

“The Starbucks is in the fourth circle.” Pcab glared at xir. “Shut.”

“Do you think they still have cake pops in hell, or is it like, *hell* hell?” the shape bitch pondered, clearly deep in thought.

“They have cake pops!” Snake responded cheerily.

“Hell has banger pastries,” Pcab added.

“I recommend the lemon pound cake though.”

“Oh hell no, the chocolate macarons are the best.”

“Dude, can we cater from hell?” Oct asked, amazed by the ~sinful~ delights of Starbucks.

“...I’ll get you your hellish cake pops, dear.” Rainy opened another portal and went through it. Somehow, when xe returned, xe magically wore their maid clothes out of nowhere. “Is there anything you would like to order?” They were holding a pen and notepad, similar to a restaurant waiter.

“I already got my shit, I’m good,” their local demon answered, still sipping on said drink.

“Two slices of chocolate velvet fudge, ten macarons, four eclairs, two chocolate macarons, and a tray of candied fruit,” Pcab responded.

Rainy scribbled down her order and went through the portal, only to return a second later with Pcab’s request. Xe also handed Pcab a flyer reading “MURDERERS GET 20% OFF ALL PASTRIES”

“You know, I'm not sure if I really want you to have a body,” Pcab snapped as Oct made what felt like the 12309th sugesstion.

“I mean, I dunno, just feels—” Oct started, but suddenly began screaming as Pcab ripped out one of his ribs.

“Sorry what the fuck did you say?” setting Octs rib to the side. “Leo knows his bullshit anatomy and we’re gonna need that dumb fuck if we want any hope of Oct even having a body.”

“Yes that's a splendid idea go right ahead yes call him,” nodding vigorously.

“Did you think I was going to *call* Leo? You must be dumber than I thought. We’re going to kidnap him.” Walking to the door, clearly planning to do something illegal because its fucking pcab i always do weird shit in the lore.

“So how are we gonna kidnap leo?” Rainy asked with severe hesitation,

“Knock him out, take his anatomy books, order him around with a gun to his head. Do you think a Revolver or a Shotgun Would be better?” Pcab asked, as everyone rushed to the stairs, trying to follow.

“No you dumbass! Get your turtle dick fucking ass up, Make sure those pieces are clean, im not an idiot and infections can get pretty nasty.” Oct nods his head in agreement

“Ok gosh you reptilian fuking— ow ok dimwit”

“Actually just shut up, I’ll take all your anatomy books. Rainy, put Oct’s rib back in place please, and we should fuse these bone fragments together to actually make a bone and not a jumbled mess.”

Leo rolled his eyes, “You dimwits don’t know anything about anatomy, so just shut the fuck up and don’t get in my way.”

“Damn ok you pissy ghost fucker”

“I could just head back to hell, and the old bitch down there can’t do anything about it, because I’m ‘irreplaceable’ or something.”

“Cough yeah ok just do the shit please,”

“See how easy that was? Now, Octa’s outer back is 95% missing. I either grow a fuck ton of flesh in a lab and then have it slapped onto his back, or I cut of his ears and slap those onto his back. You choose.”

“God ok we already have some ppl in the prisons, use their flesh or something idc.”

Leo shrugged. “Good enough for me. Drag one of the unlucky souls over, and hand me a Bowie knife.”

Smack prisoner, prisoner gets knocked out, prisoner gets dragged over, give knife, do shit

Takes knife, slices off prisoners back.

“Now i need pliers and a fuck ton of laughing gas. This is gonna hurt. Also hand me a box string and a needle.”

“What blood do you want?” Leo asked, pointing at beer brewing barrels full of kool-aid, blood, red candle wax, and food coloring. Oct pointed at the kool-aid.

“Final step,” Leo declared, and put on his special forehead skin, pen-handling gloves. Ghost Leo floated out of the kidnapped Afghan child’s body, cracked his knuckles, and forcefully pushed Oct across the room, where the soul ş Ĺ ӕ m ɯ ℇ ⅅ into the body laid across the door like a doll, stitches dotting the pale skin. Unlike both Pcab and Rainy’s attempts, Oct şĻіɗ in, and gasped as soul reunited with flesh. He fLeXes his fingers, and realizes what he can do with them.

Then shape bitch commits table slam. Rainy was very surprised. Pcab claps and Snake slithers to get popcorn.
“Or we could just,, kill her back?” Oct suggested carefully.
“Kill her and i’ll kill you” Pcab threatened.

“It’s like tag but murder. And tags backs— okay geez— i won’t i guess” Oct started as Pcab began jabbing him with a baguette.

“No genshin seems like too bland a punishment. Why not something harsher?” Rainy suggested. Xe wanted Ily to be brutally stabbed with her own key, or put in a Dropsons’ grinder, or dropped in a well until she died, anything that would represent the searing pain Oct must’ve gone through.

“And you’re like a fucking raw, unseasoned chicken now shut up.”-pcab’

Oct: “anyways I think we should exile ily and/or tear off her legs. Opinions?”

## Hell Sure Has a Lot of Corn

Carl and Muscle Man drifted along the lost souls.

“There sure is a lot of corn in this endless field. At least we won’t starve,” Carl said.

“Dimwit. You won’t starve in hell, because you are technically dead. You will only get infinitely hungrier. This corn is only for decoration.”

“Indeed, taut man. You know a lot about this land.”

Muscle man turned around in alarm and saw Carl next to him.

“What? I didn’t say anything.”

Carl looked up in surprise to see an orange-skinned person wading through the corn to them. He looked like the only living person in the fields other than them.

The figure looked at the odd pair: a guy without skin and a tumblr sexyman wannabe. He made the :pensive: face.

“I was alive once, too.” He twirled a long stick that had suddenly appeared in his hands. “But alas, good things cannot last.”

“What do you mean? We’re alive,” Carl insisted. He looked over his turtle hands, making sure they were solid. “We’re not dead.”

“That’s what they always say,” the corn man replied sadly. “They never realize when they really die.

“Who’s ‘they?’“ Muscle man asked. “No one else is here.”

“Uh, everyone else floating along in the cornfields of the damned?” Orange Guy suggested. He blindly waved his arms around. “The ones right here?”

Carl and Muscle man stared at him blankly.

“Can’t you see them? Can’t you see the hundreds of floating souls behind me?”

## Key Bitch Goes on Trial

“ORDER IN THE COURT FUCKERS” George the Worm on a String screamed. “CAN YOU ALL SHUT UP?” He banged his gavel on the podium. All of the hushed chatter in the courtroom died down, amazingly enough. General Krab banged his claw on the tAbLe and everyone stared at him.

“ily tallyhall, you are being tried for assassination, first degree murder, third degree manslaughter, ninety degree angle, and improper handling of a body,” George read. “How do you plead to these charges?”

“Well, I did not kill him if he’s alive,” Ily stated simply. “This only proves that I did not kill him.”

“We literally went to hell and got him,” Snake sighed. “His death was confirmed.”

The jury collectively eyed the bloodied key hanging from the judge's podium.

“Ah yes!” George exclaimed, stretching his smœöth legs out. “And here is the murder weapon, belonging to you.”

“The only copies of this key in existence belong to you and Snakadamia Tallyhall, who had their key with them at the time.” Snake nodded. "That is a key of the royal family."

The members of the court sat in silence as Ily sprinted out of the room. “Is she allowed to do that?” Snake asked.

Krab shrugged all of his krabby shoulders and answered, "I hope she shares, the greedy bitch."

The court waited for several awkward minutes. A purple dinosaur in the back row checked their watch. Someone in front with a fedora and a red vest started tapping their foot. Everyone looked at each other and their watches until Ily returned.

"I've returned!" she announced, proudly holding up a stripy lime-green melon. "I bring gifts. Melons from the tree of Zimbabwa. Fresh. Just collected."

George glared down at her from his pedestal.

"Ily you are being held in contempt of court. I don’t know what the fuck that means, but I shall not be bribed with Zimbabwean fruit. No, I am legally not allowed to accept bribes. You are also literally being tried for murder and are not allowed to bring in outside food.”

"This is not a bribe," Ily claimed. "I was hungry."

Snake let out a long breath, annoyed. "Can we just decide the sentence already?”

"This is most definitely a bribe," Rainy sighed.

"In my defense, I did not kill Octa. It was the Octagonal Prism. Its identity crisis caused it to do unspeakable things," Ily reasoned.

"Let us call forth the victim. Octa what do you have to say about this?" Rainy looked towards Octa.

“No- you stabbed me.”

"...Octa was literally dragged from hell and back," Rainy added.

“I literally watched you trip me and stab me multiple times.” Octa finished.

"It was the Octagonal Prism," Ily persisted.

“*Bitch you’re wrong,*” said Octa.

Ily yanked on her invisible bow tie.

"warping time and space causing you to believe I stabbed you. But in reality, The world is a simulation."

“This is gaslighting- can I call a lawyer or some shit? How does court work?” Octa asked.

"...And I am just an 6th dimensional npc," Ily continued.

“ORDER IN THE COURT!” George roared over everyone. "THAT MEANS SHUT THE FUCK UP. ILY, I WILL EXILE YOU FROM THE COURTROOM."

"Ahem! Judge! May I speak as octa's lawyer?" Rainy asked.

“Aight anyway, yes Rainy you may. Rainy Lava, what would you like to say?”

"Very well then," Rainy stepped forward, spreading out a file case onto the table. "As stated by Isaac, who is not present, Octa's body was found nearly mangled and torn apart, the only evidence being a key that allegedly belonged to Ily. We have proof that the key belongs to Ily as it not only has her name on it, but her fingerprints as well. It was also stated by the victim himself that Ily committed the crime, and therefore should be charged accordingly."

"Damn,” Snake paused for a second. “Can we convict her now?”

“Aight, jury, please confer.” George said.

The jury of colorful rainbow worms murmured to themselves. Ily sat straight in her seat, finally completely silent as hatred burned in her eyes. She turned to Momma Pcab.

The pink worm, Peach, whispered something to George. He nodded and faced everyone else to announce the decision.

“Ily Tallyhall has been found guilty on all charges. She will be removed of all Genshin privileges and fed to the crabs. Octa shall be provided free therapy and all health services he may need in relation to his murder. Ily and him will be separated, but she should write him an apology note to be nice :)”

"Very well then. I assume the case is closed?" Rainy questioned, looking up at George.

“Yes. This is the final verdict unless evidence comes up that is somehow able to prove Ily innocent.” George explained.

Rainy nodded. "Alright then. My client and I shall exit the courtroom and I will be driving him to therapy. I am also his therapist as well. At 6:09 PM tomorrow, she will be fed to the Grand Crab Army of Landysandia (GCAL)."

Rainy thought that over and glanced over at Octa.

"I have to eat dinner at that time. Perhaps 4:20?"

“I suppose,” George said. He whacked his gavel twice. "Case closed."

Rainy and octa exited the courtroom, driving off to visit the therapist. Coincidentally, Rainy was Octa's therapist.

And Ily... well, she disappeared later that night.