The Journey So Far/Chapter 10: Year of Waking Up (2019)

With all that I had been through in the last year, you would think that content creating would be behind me. Not quite. Literally, as the year started, I would try to create my last-ditch effort to stay relevant on the internet. Over the last few months of 2018, I felt that I missed making content on the internet. I left in such a hurry and without warning. Sure, I let my viewers download the old GojiFan93 videos and some were even archiving them. I loved that about my audience and how they never wanted to forget. Even so, with the deletion of Attsri Studios and GojiFan93, I instantly missed what I used to do.

In the last month of 2018, I was planning a comeback. This time, I would come back with a new perspective that, at the time, seemed great. I set out to make a new YouTube channel called *"Chris Kaizen".* This channel would be a merging of my own personality as well as my GojiFan93 character. I played this as a gimmick. One half of the picture represented me, the real me. The other half represents GojiFan or the side of me that gets obsessed and passionate about the things I love. Overall, this new identity was supposed to represent me getting over my past issues and learning to live with the demons inside myself. Instead of giving up what I loved completely, I would use this to hopefully fulfill this empty feeling inside.

As soon as the new year began, literally January 1st, 2019, I created the channel. I quickly went out and started promoting it. My viewers were confused as only a few months ago I went completely dark. I explained that this was going to be a new chapter and I have changed. Looking back at this, it was not correct. This was a half-baked idea that didn't last more than a year. I tried so hard to get back what I erased and at the end of the day, it was no different than GojiFan93. It wasn't helping my addiction, my obsessive mindset, nor my mental health. In fact, it only made it worse. With all the setbacks I experienced in the past, I wanted badly for this channel to get me what I needed. It never filled the hole I had. I was so concerned with views and sub-count. I wanted this to be on the level or more than GojiFan93. I wasn't fully doing it for myself and just to have fun, and still, no one seemed interested. That was hurting me.

We will come back to Chris Kaizen soon, for now, I want to talk about some things that were great in my life. First off, my job at the animal hospital was still going well, and I even was transitioning from being a Kennel Tech to a Vet Tech Assistant. This was really exciting as it continued to further my interest in pursuing the Vet field as my career. With my new channel not taking off the way I wanted to, I still didn't care if it made my career because I had the Vet path. I then enrolled at Penn Foster College to pursue a certificate in Vet Tech Assisting. This would be my fourth real attempt at college. Long story short with that, I actually passed and got my certificate, and that definitely was a confidence boost that I needed. At least during this time, my career seemed to be bright.

Along with my job, I was still missing something. Something I had not had in a long time. A companion. Someone with whom I could have a real, loving relationship. Of course, throughout the years I went on dates, but nothing worked out well. Let me tell you, online dating sucks. With so many failed dates, I was beginning to feel that I would never find *"the one".* Throughout January, an ad was playing on the radio called *"Events and Adventures".* It was an organization that set up fun events over the month to meet new people and hopefully find dating opportunities. I ignored it a few times, but I eventually gave in and decided to jump in and sign up.

The first event was a fittingly Valentine's dance party. I thought this would be a great way to meet many singles and to find someone. I got dressed up and was so nervous to go. I got to the place and started meeting people. One after another I would talk to people and it was going well. Then, I was pulled over by one of the event coordinators and I was introduced to this girl. Her personality was so bright and bubbly. She had the cutest smile and was really easy to talk to. We talked for a bit and I learned she was a 5th-grade teacher. I was really loving the time with her, but then I was pulled to talk to more people. The night went by so fast and I left with a feeling of accomplishment. The fact that I went in there and got out of my comfort zone was a step forward in the right direction. Even though I met many people, there was one person that I couldn't stop thinking about; that one girl with a bright, bubbly personality.

The next event was scheduled and it was a roller rink night. I did feel bad as I never got the number of that girl I met at the dance. I went into the roller rink with the same attitude. Just go in and try to meet new people. My confidence didn't last long, as I am horrible at roller skating and I was way out of my element. I was seriously about to leave because I didn't feel great about it. Then, out of the corner of my eye, as if God had planned it all along, I saw the girl I met at the dance. I felt relieved and I walked up to her and said, *"Hey, you're that teacher right?"* she responded with, *"Yea, and you're that Vet guy?"* We laughed and decided to continue the night together roller skating. It was an amazing night as we talked for hours getting to know each other. Of course, I lost balance a few times on the floor and she had to hold my hand to keep me from falling on my face. After hours of laughing and talking, the night was coming to a close. We left the roller rink and I asked her for her number. She gave it to me and I left that night with butterflies. I asked her out on more dates and a little more than a month later, she is the girl that I love and now is my partner.

I spent the rest of the year getting my career going and maintaining my relationship with my girlfriend. This time, I was not going to mess it up. I told her about my life story up to this point and I was worried at first that it would freak her out to the point of her leaving. Surprisingly enough, she was moved, and more importantly, she stayed with me and to this day has continued to support me emotionally. I need someone like her to keep me balanced. She is so important to me and that meant doing whatever it takes to keep her.

Back to Chris Kaizen, it was time to deal with this final obstacle. As I said before, I was not enjoying this new venture and it was beginning to mess with my mood and mental state. This time, I would not let it get to me and it was time to fully realize that I have way more important things in life than this. I ended up deleting this channel like the others. Another failure to add to my list of disappointments and this would be the final one. When I deleted the channel, I made a statement to my viewers that I was completely 100% finished with the entertainment field. I was going to go completely offline and focus on my new priorities in life. No more social media, no more YouTube, no more projects, and no more headaches. I ended 2019 with no creative endeavors at all. I thought at the time, this is what was going to make a difference. A new decade was approaching and it would be the final step in my journey so far.

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