Opening Crawl Narration

The opening crawl narration is delivered at the beginning of every regular season and live episode. It is read by Jeremy Crutchley. Each season has a unique introductory one-time opening crawl to kick off the season, switching over to a recurring narration used for most of the remainder of the season, and often using another one-time crawl in the season finale. When the podcast features minor characters as leading characters in the show's penultimate season episode tradition, a one-time variation of the narration is presented from that perspective.

## Season 1

### Series Introduction

Episode 100: Welcome Aboard the Bargarean Jade

"The period of civil war has ended. The rebels have defeated the evil Galactic Monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance. It’s totally less evil. Now to restore diplomatic relations between systems, the Federated Alliance has deployed teams of ambassadors throughout the galaxy. The Alliance’s newest recruit, a young farm boy named Pleck Decksetter steps aboard the starship Bargarean Jade to embark on his first diplomatic mission: a MISSION. TO. ZYXX!"

### Season 1 Introduction

Episode 101: All Hail the Federated Alliance!

"The period of civil war has ended. In the aftermath of the Battle of Sistoo the rebels have overthrown the evil Galactic Monarchy and in its place established the just and benevolent Federated Alliance. It’s definitely an improvement and totally not a lateral move. Now, to restore diplomatic relations between systems, the Federated Alliance has deployed teams of ambassadors throughout the galaxy to bring a message of peace to every inhabited world. The pay is six Kroons per hour. Which seems sort of low, all things considered. In the farthest reaches of the Tremillion Sector, a young farm boy named Pleck Decksetter embarks with his crew on his first assignment: a daring journey to the remote and mysterious Zyxx Quadrant. Aboard the starship, The Bargarean Jade they set out to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is their mission: a MISSION. TO. ZYXX!"

### Season 1 Standard and Finale

Episodes: 102-116, 118, L01-L03

"The period of civil war has ended. The rebels have defeated the evil Galactic Monarchy and have established the harmonious Federated Alliance. Now, ambassador Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is MISSION. TO. ZYXX."

### Season 1 Penultimate

Episode 117: The One with the Council of Seven

"It is a time of peace, harmony and all around good vibes in the galaxy right now. Despite what you might have heard in certain quadrants, The Federated Alliance has never been stronger and the wise and all knowing Council of Seven has everything under control. They are seven best friends and they are making this galaxy a batter place. Deep within the stately Alliance dome on the capital world of Quantaris the Council of Seven convenes to assess the rebel threat, strategize on the impending war against the K’hekk, and decide whether it looks cooler for all of them to wear their hoods up, or keep it casual and leave them down. This is the COUNCIL. OF. SEVEN!"

### Season 1 Post-Finale

Episode L04: My 3 Son

"It is a period of civil war. Again. Or still. The rebellion against the sinister and corrupt Federated Alliance grows stronger and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance. Now, former Alliance Ambassador Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew return to the Zyxx Quadrant, the most distant, crappy corner of the galaxy, and into the heart of an epic battle of Fresh versus Wack. This is: MISSION. TO. ZYXX!"

## Season 2

### Season 2 Introduction

Episode 201: Long Live The Rebellion!

"It is a period of civil war. I can’t believe I’m saying that again, we just finished the last one, but here we are. A heroic team of ambassadors has destroyed the administrative starship Delegator dealing a crippling blow to the evil and corrupt Federated Alliance. Also, Wink ate that guys face. Now aboard The Bargarean Jade former ambassador Pleck Decksetter and his crew have returned to the most distant, crappy, quadrant of the galaxy to escape the Alliance’s vengeful agents and to attempt to rendezvous with rebel forces who operate from a hidden base and are terrible at returning calls. In the bustling alleyways of the desert moon of Crimf, three figures make their way through the crowd in search of a familiar facade. Traitors to the alliance and strangers to the Rebellion, they have no choice but to set out on their own mission. A MISSION. TO. ZYXX!"

### Season 2 Standard

Episodes: 202-218, L05-L07

"It is a period of civil war. The rebellion against the sinister and corrupt Federated Alliance grows stronger, and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance. Now, Rebel Emissary Pleck Decksetter and his crew travel the father reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is MISSION. TO. ZYXX."

### Season 2 Penultimate

Episode 219: Tiny Toots' Adventures

"It is a period of civil war, but things are still pretty chill. Sure, the Federated Alliance is headed to the hidden rebel base, but as far as the best crew in the Zyxx Quadrant is concerned, that just means more asses to kick. Still basking in adoration from having definitely blown up The Delegator, rebel Emissary Turk Manaked and his attractive, but super humble crew, travel farther and faster than any other emissary team to explore rad and exotic new worlds, repeatedly confirm their obvious heroism, and sign holographs for fawning bug creatures and stuff. This is: TINY. TOOTS'. ADVENTURES!"

### Season 2 Finale

Episode 220: Crush Into Me

"The period of Galactic Civil War has reached it dramatic climax and the Federated Alliance has left the Rebellion with no way out. Six fearsome planet crushers have surrounded the hidden Rebel base where a motley army gathers for the fight for their lives. Inside a Rebel hangar bay, Emissary Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew prepare to board the Bargarean Jade awaiting deployment into the cross hairs of Alliance fighters. Now they must trust in each other, The Space, and Beano to face a threat unlike any they have ever encountered on their MISSION. TO. ZYXX!"

## Season 3

### Season 3 Introduction

 Episode 301: Down With the Emperor!

"The Galaxy has fallen under the shadow of Nermut Bundaloy - not that one, the other one. Six months have passed since The Battle of the Planet Crushers where Gunther Ballwheat annihilated the Council of Syxx, destroyed the Rebellion, changed his name and crowned himself Emperor of the Galaxy. Thanks to Beano's noble sacrifice, former Rebel Emissary Pleck Decksetter and his crew have escaped the Emperor's clutches, fleeing to the opulent entertainment planet Holowood, where their starship, The Bargarean Jade, has abandoned them for the intoxicating trappings of fame. Without passage back to the distant Zyxx Quadrant our intrepid heroes have separated and gone into hiding, while the Emperor's power continues to grow. Will they answer the call to defend the galaxy from Wackness and bring balance to The Space? Only if they can find one another, steel their courage, and set out on another MISSION. TO. ZYXX!"

### Season 3 Standard

 Episodes: 302-318, partial in 319

"It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist. And also a planet crusher crusher. Now, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew, travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the Space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This, is MISSION. TO. ZYXX."

### Season 3 Penultimate

 Episode 319: Pump Up The Justice

"Sentients, sentients, order, order, order! (laughs) Who am I kidding, go nuts! This is Holowood baby, and court is in session! Let's do this! Honorable Judge Hastooie Winko presiding. You might remember me from ten straight years of announcing the hottest Zy Ball holothon ever. You're tuned into: Pump Up The Justice"

### Season 3 Finale

Episode 320: The Emperor Strikes Wack

"Well, we're back where we started: in Holowood, and in a juck-load of trouble. Our intrepid crew has worked tirelessly for months assembling the pieces of a new insurgency to defeat Emperor Nermut Bundaloy. But their time has run out. In a crowded Holowood courtroom, The Bargarean Jade awaits the verdict in her trial for financial murder. C-53 has encountered a critical error. And the birth of Dar's offspring is imminent. The fabled Zimas have proven to be little help and the evil Sparx Knights grow in power every day. Even AJ's tube has broken. Now Papa Pleck Decksetter must gather his courage, his friends, and his Dinglehopper and take down the emperor before it's too late. Will he fulfill his destiny at last? The answers await them on their: MISSION. TO. ZYXX!"

## Season 4

### Season 4 Introduction

Episode 401: Beware the Allwheat!

"The Galaxy trembles before the Allwheat! Okay, that's overstating it, but people are, you know, apprehensive. Six months have passed since Pleck Decksetter fulfilled his destiny by vanquishing the evil galactic Emperor, casting him off a precipice within the Planet Crusher Crusher. Where a wack ritual merged him with the ancient Beanochron and transformed them into an astronomical horror with unknown powers. Does that count as vanquishing? Hm. Galactic order has crumbled in the Emperor's absence: planetary alliances dissolve overnight; the value of Kroon fluctuates wildly; new and sinister threats emerge throughout the galaxy. Pardon my Juntawa, but it’s a real juntawa show. On the remote ice world of Korvus, three speeder bikes streak across the frozen wasteland toward coordinates extracted from the fragments of an encrypted message. Can our heroes escape mortal danger, locate their missing leader, and unify the galaxy once more? A desperate hope is all that they have left on their….MISSION. TO. ZYXX!"

### Season 4 Standard

Episodes 402 - 418, L12 (see Trivia for full list of *variants)*

"It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal Allwheat; which looks like *some sort of black hole sun*. Now Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is MISSION. TO. ZYXX!"

### Season 4 Mid-Season Live Episode

Episode L10: Just the Tubes of Us

"It is a time of confusion. Seriously, I… What the juck is happening? With the emperor defeated, the Galaxy is sort of unsure what to do, especially because of the emergence of the gigantic, horrifying celestial body that has appeared in the Zyxx Quadrant. It looks like some sort of flaming, cosmic zit. Now, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew must plan their next move, reignite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is MISSION TO ZYXX!"

### Season 4 Penultimate

Episode 419: The Story of Beano

"It is a period of sorcery and heroism, many thousands of years before Tellurians explored the stars. On a planet half a galaxy away, a paladin and a ranger rush across a charred moor pursued by a marauding horde. Entrusted in their care is a relic of almost unimaginable power. Now, our heroes must form a sacred alliance, safeguard their precious artifact, and slay weird demons and stuff. This is the Story of Beano!"

### Season 4 Finale

Episode 420: The Unbearable Tightness of Bean

"So it all comes down to this. Probably. I mean, Rodd, who knows anything anymore, hmm? Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter has piloted a makeshift rocket straight into the rising, all-consuming inferno of the Allwheat, destroying Ted Ronka's massive plastic containment device en route. But unbeknownst to Pleck, the Allweat's horrible power can only manifest once the Chosen One has entered. It's almost as though Beano knew. Meanwhile, the race for Galactic Leader nears it's conclusion and Commander Seesu Gundu prepares to debate with a trillionaire, a space pimp, and an enigmatic newcomer who seems totally normal. Now, Captain Dar and the crew of the Bargarean Jade must set aside fear, focus their might, and ready their butt guns for the ultimate showdown. Never has danger been this imminent or this confusing on their MISSION TO ZYXX!"

## Season 5

### Season 5 Premiere

 Episode 501: O Others, Who Art Thou?!

"Well, that didn't sound good. The situation has been grim since Hot Beano's self-sacrificial destruction of the Allwheat flung the crew of the Bargarean Jade through a rift in the fabric of reality and deep into an unknown galaxy on the other side of the Universe. It's one of Pleck's larger whoopsies. After months of floating adrift, desperately transmitting distress signals to no avail, it seemed all hope was lost. And now our storied starship has depleted her fuel reserves and run aground on an uninhabited Rodd-forsaken island on an alien world, stranding our heroes as castaways. I'd love to say something about their resilience in the face of adversity, but you and I both know the wheels are really going to come off down there. Now, Captain Dar, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter and the confusingly large number of people now amongst the Crew, must escape their island prison, face strange new perils, and risk it all to find a way home. This is literally a MISSION TO ZYXX!"

### Season 5 Premiere (Part 2)

Episode 502: Themm and the Holograms

"The Zyxx Quadrant feels further out of reach than ever. After drifting for months, crashing on an island planet, assaulting an alien away team, and narrowly escaping using stolen psychedelic fuel, the Crew of the Bargarean Jade have been promptly beamed aboard a massive ominous spacecraft. But, you know, "A" for effort. Deep in the bowels of the imposing vessel, our intrepid heroes, and Justin Ballwheat, must steel their nerves, face their fearsome captors, and throw Zalcatron 5000 firmly under the speeder bus if they ever hope to fulfill their MISSION TO ZYXX!"

### Season 5 Standard I

Episodes 503 - 509

"Space. Some is chill. Some is tooped up. All is part of the great infinite cosmic ballet. The venerable starship the R.S.S. Synergy forges ever deeper into uncharted regions of their galaxy, growing the Coalition of United Planets, in the name of science, benevolence, and peace. Now, lead envoy C-53 and his intrepid crew explore new worlds, forge alliances, and search for a way back home, to finally fulfill their MISSION TO ZYXX!"

### Season 5 Mid-season I

Episode 510: The Pest of Both Worlds Pt. 1

"Space. The last place you can go. These are the chronicles of the R.S.S. Synergy. Our perpetual quest: to optimize workflows, maximize our own productivity, to support one another's mental health and well-being and above all, bring Themm anywhere they'd like to go."

Note: The opening crawl for episode 510 was spoken by the character Captain Syrock.

### Season 5 Mid-season II

Episode 511: The Pest of Both Worlds Pt. 2

"Previously, on Mission to Zyxx..."

Note: Episode 511 replaced the traditional narrated opening crawl with a series of flashback clips from episode 510. For the full transcript, see below under Trivia.

### Season 5 Mid-season III

Episode 512: A Noob Hope

"After nearly a cycle trapped in a distant galaxy, the intrepid crew of the Bargarean Jade has narrowly escaped certain death and returned home through in an intergalactic portal designed by a hologram, assembled by a toddler in one galaxy and by a swarm of disgusting mindless insects in another. In retrospect, pretty risky. Now our heroes must reconnect with their lost allies, assess what evils have arisen in their absence and share a ship with a droid who’s a weird bug creature, and loving it on their final MISSION TO ZYXX!"

### Season 5 Standard II

Episodes 513 - 518

"It is a time of great unease. The crew of the Bargarean Jade have finally made it home to their beloved quadrant, but something is different. Wrong. Wack. Now our intrepid heroes must root out the bad vibes, master the three-sided coin of Freshness, and face down foes like they’ve never imagined, on their final MISSION TO ZYXX!"

## Trivia

* The Season 3 standard opening crawl is interrupted in episode 319 as someone changes channels to listen to the show Pump Up the Justice, featuring the trial of The Bargarean Jade. This is the only time a Jeremy Crutchley read narration is not completed for a standard episode of the podcast. The alternate version of the narration for that episode is delivered by the character Judge Hastooie WInko, voiced by Seth Lind.
* In Season 4, for the live episode L10: Just the Tubes of Us, the opening crawl was read by Michelle, an attendee of the live show performance/recording who volunteered after Alden Ford explained that the show was looking for an audience member who could do "a pretty good English accent." In spite of having no preparation, Michelle entertained the audience and cast with her delivery of the scripted narration, receiving hearty applause.
* In episode 419, The Story of Beano, the opening crawl is read by Emperor Nermut Bundaloy. This is the first regular season episode without even a partial Jeremy Crutchley read opening narration.
* Episode 419 is also the first episode to start with a delayed opener, instead starting with Beano insisting that Emperor Nermut Bundaloy read him a story. The Emperor has two false starts, stopped when Beano demands something different.
	+ False start 1: "Four hundred years ago, you were put in a box and send to live with a man named Chad…"
	+ False start 2: "So this was what, 20,000 years ago?"
* For the Season 4 standard opening crawl, the description of the Allwheat, shown above in *italic underline,* changes with each episode, reflecting the difficulty the show's characters have with describing the Allwheat's appearance. (In episode, L10, the opening crawl is different than the regular season crawl, but uses the same structure when referring to the Allwheat. It is included in the list below.)
	+ 402: ...*some sort of black hole sun.*
	+ 403: ...*if the sun hated you.*
	+ 404: ...*a flaming portal to a dimension of shit.*
	+ 405: ...*a supernova hitting rock bottom*
	+ 406: ...*the love child of a quasar and all of your regrets*
	+ 407: ...*a bad dream, but y’know, bigger*
	+ 408: ...*if the sun were goth* (This was the variant used in episode L12: The Host with the Moist)
	+ 409: ...*if evil were a circle and on fire*
	+ 410: ...*if a gas giant were made of burning barf*
	+ 411: ...*what happens when gravity makes bad life choices*
	+ 412: …*a wormhole's asshole*
	+ 413: …*a couple thousand comets having a fistfight*
	+ 414: …*a star except instead of radiating light it radiates a hangover*
	+ L10: …s*ome sort of flaming, cosmic zit*
	+ 415: ...*a bruise, with an event horizon*
	+ 416: ...*if an eclipse made it personal*
	+ 417: ...*an enormous interdimensional eye with conjunctivitis*
	+ 418: ...*if all the bullies exploded*
* In Season 5, episodes 501 and 502, like episode 419, also feature a delayed opener, with story happening before the crawl.
* Episode 510's opening crawl is read by the character Captain Syrock of the R.S.S. Synergy. It is delivered in the style of the opening of the television series Star Trek (Original Series and The Next Generation)
* Episode 511 featured the following clips from episode 510, delivered in a "Previously on" style:

CRUTCHLEY: Previously, on Mission to Zyxx...
(flashback clip)
PLECK: You know Nermut, I gotta hand it to you. When that engineer said they had figured out a way to get us back home, I thought it was going to be really complicated, but they made it very simple.
AJ-2884: Yeah. If you ask me, it seems like nothing bad is ever going to happen again.
PLECK: AJ, why would you say that?
C-53: AJ!
AJ-2884: What?
DAR: Why?

(next clip)
SHIP COMPUTER: Yellow alert! Yellow alert
GROWER MIND: All bow before the undying will of Grower Minds
ENSIGN PHANTA: Whoa! Oh no
CAPTAIN SYROCK: Impossible. I myself strangled the last K’hekk in the known galaxy on the surface of Tarzax-IV.
GROWER MIND: And yet, here we are Captain.

(next clip)
PLECK: Guys. listen. We’ve gotten the K’hekk to stand down once before. We just need to get Bargie here. Bargie can talk him down. That’s all we need to do.
AJ-2884: Uh, guys? Bargie’s in a full dress cue-to-cue right now.

(next clip)
GROWER MIND: You have guaranteed that your assimilation will be incredibly painful.
LIEUTENANT HENDRIXX: Captain, permission to be assimilated?
CAPTAIN SYROCK: Permission not granted Lieutenant.
LIEUTENANT HENDRIXX: Oh, ok!
CAPTAIN SYROCK: Resist! Resist those K’hekk!
(Hendrixx screams)

(next clip)
BARGAREAN JADE: Well? Hello? Grower Minds?
GROWER MIND: Bargarean Jade. You must meet (dramatic pause) our son.
BARGAREAN JADE: What?
AJ-2884: Wait.
PLECK: Wait?