Cursed Cursive

Is cursive the root of all evil?

## Transcript

Mallory: Parents and students of Mulberry Brooks Elementary School. My name is Miss Toff, I'm the school librarian, and tonight I've brought you all here to discuss a dire problem in the education system in our small town. Now, this is a handwritten letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne, author of The Scarlet Letter, which was rightly banned from our school's reading list, along with the letter A.

Mallory: This is another handwritten letter by William Shakespeare, the Stephenie Meyer of the Elizabethan era. Now, what do these two letters have in common? I will tell you. Their authors published filth and they wrote in cursive. Yes, parents, there is a new danger out there. One we must protect our children from dabbling in. For two hundred years, we have kept our town untainted from dangerous ideas, but now the effects of cursive handwriting are beguiling our children. Just look at what little Billy Jefferson wrote on my blackboard this morning. This may haunt your dreams.

Mallory: And we must not stand for this any longer! Just look at this "M"! How many curves must one letter have?! These are not your innocent ABCs! Yes, miss Olsen?
Natalie: Miss Toff, surely cursive isn't the cause of all things dangerous? I mean, my mother writes in cursive and she's 72 years old.
Mallory: Yes, but your mother's generation also brought us rock and roll, evolution, and Jimmy Carter.
Natalie: That's fair.

Mallory: Cursive is just a gateway handwriting style, okay? First, you're writing your name, and then, you're writing the Communist Manifesto.
Stephen: Oh, that's outrageous!
Mallory: Now, miss Jennings, come up here.

Mallory: I've brought miss Jennings to use today, she teaches your third-graders. She's from L.A. She's vegan. And she's birthed no children.
Stephen: Get her out of here!
Natalie: What are you doing here?

Mallory: Now, miss Jennings, you don't approve of us banning cursive?
Whitney: That's right.
Mallory: And why is that?
Whitney: Well, I feel like we're limiting our students. Cursive is a basic-
Mallory: Limiting our students. She believes in a very free "radical" education.
Whitney: I just... I feel like our students have a right to learn basic skills.
Mallory: Okay, what was it that you told me you studied in college?
Whitney: Women's studies.
Stacey: Okay, if our children write in cursive, they will turn out like her!
Matt: She has short hair!
Stephen: And she's wearing pants!

Whitney: It's not what you think! Listen to me! Listen to me! I wanted to show you this. It's the Constitution of the United States. It's what our forefathers wrote to declare the way they wanted our country to be run. And look at the handwriting! Cursive. The dignity of this document is only aided by the lettering on the page. This is how your children could portray themselves! This is what we are losing if we lose this art.

James: That shadowy feather has a suggestive mood about it!
Whitney: What?!
Mallory: All for banning cursive!
James: And feathers!
Cast: Aye!

## Trivia

* This sketch was uploaded the day after the episode aired on BYUtv.
* This is the third sketch of Season 2 Episode 5.
* This is the first sketch since Captain Literally, Part 1 and the first full sketch since Ugly Cop to feature only a part of the main cast.
* This is the only sketch of Season 2 Episode 5 in which Jason Gray does not appear.