Asurgos

*Note: this article was written by* **Brad Tungis** *and is still awaiting approval from the Intelligence Department of the Investigation Branch. As such, this article has been flagged as **INACCURATE** and **SHOULD NOT BE USED FOR MISSION PLANNING**.*

## Asurgos

### Largest cities

Los Domina (pop. 19,811,900)Paladio (pop. 11,000,500)

### Population

91,678,900

Asurgos is a Corporate Technocracy located on the western coast of Vargelia. It's a fucking shithole full of fuckfaces and asshats. I spent seven months there on a work exchange and let me tell you, the food is overpriced, these people love to talk about fucking breakfast, I mean they have entire districts dedicated to people dressed like extras from Duran Duran videos prancing around and eating different kinds of fried eggs. Fried, fucking , eggs. I'm dead serious. What a fucking shithole.

## History

Asurgos used to be like a regular old country and shit before the techbros moved in. I remember back in '97 you could still see the parade in Paladio for less than 1000 peblez. Fly in there, get shitfaced, watch a bunch of soyboys dance on a float. Get a coffee, listen to music. Fuck off. I'm pretty sure they used to have parties and a government as well. Like a collection of cities and shit. Like, there was at least three or four movies stars that became president and shit.

Now you buy an app to vote. The app breaks down on election day, you dont even know if the fucking thing counted properly, and the dude with the highest wins on Tekken 5 walks on stage and talks about "disrupting democracy". Ya, I can disrupt Democracy too dumbass, with a fucking gun.

You have any idea how fucking stupid it is that I would have to buy a fucking third party app to decide the fate of my fucking country. Azurgos is fucked man. Absolutely fucked. Do not fucking move there. It's terrible. And awful. Southern Azurgos is saturated with East Coasters man. Everyone leaves Drumlin and goes to LD to do coke and write screenplays. Ten years later half of em o'd on fent and the other half end up as producers. Not even screenwriters. Producers. The guys who sit in an office and make four phone calls a day and make two grand every time they jerk off.

Paladio used to be this big center of arts and culture back in the rents day but I'd be fucked if you'd be able to find any artists who weren't graphic designers who could afford to live there now. My ex and I were planning a trip there last year and couldn't find an AirBnB for less than 2000 peblez for the week. That's like five times my previous rent just to sleep in some start up CEO's garage and drive a half an hour to the closest light rail.

## Geography

The first thing I notice about Azurgos is that it's a land of contrasts. In every restaurant I visited with my drug dealer and the RA who was supposed to make sure that I stayed sober during my work visa there were people paying way too fucking much for food that I wouldn't pick out of the produce at the WaWa. In the south, there's like rivers and shit that people fish from. Apparently locals just fish straight out the river and fucking kill the fish on your restaurant table and then some craft chef with a pussy tattooed on his arm dices it up and cooks it in front of you. And the whole time the things fucking wringling and steaming and wonking back and forth and everyone's clapping and making ooh and ahh noises. Then another waiter with two bands on his wrist that spell L O V E and H A T E gives you a beer and you're like alright, finally, some fucking beer to wash down this macabre display proving how man is truly the greatest monster of all. And you open your gullet and you chug and it's just straight hops. Like a 90% hops beer. And then you get the bill at the end and it's like 400 peblez. For eating freshly murdered fish and drinking a jar of moldy hops swill. This is it folks, this is "The Greatest Place On Earth". And for the privilege of eating like a paleolithic thundercunt you spend the next three days rolling around on the floor, vomiting, and convulsing, while your dealer tells you that your RA just ducked out and won't be renewing your work visa.

The North is like half a jungle, half a desert, with mile after mile of tech campuses and sports stadiums. I remember I was in the back of a police car, didn't do anything illegal just got a ride to my car, and it's like first you pass through the meth hovels of Sanjuorno and there's all these radio ads for addictions counselling and self help programs and I swear Paladio City has like a fucking radio bubble or something because once you cross the city line all that shit cuts out to ad after ad about some new technique in surgery or some app that allows you to rate asses for the size on the gym shorts and shit. And then you get dropped off and even though the cities fucking crowded there's like 4 bus routes in the whole city. You can rent cars that drive from point A to point B like a bus but it's a fucking electric car and you pay 30 bucks for it. You're still paying for transportation but no one calls you poor or shits in the middle of the aisle while praying or some shit. I dunno. Fucking Paladio's a shithole man seriously. Same with all NortAz. Nerds don't deserve to win the culture wars man.

If you're gonna do coke though, make sure you do the stuff in LD rather than Paladio. It's like purer or something.

## Government and Politics

You vote with an app. The app last election was called like TurningPoint and was all like active display and shit and then on election night the app broke down and there was a huge media storm and then some stooge from Paladio or whatever Bay Area suburb took home the prize. And god forbid you post on a forum questioning how that shit is considered to be a "fair and open election" when the company doesn't have to release their algorthim cause it's proprietary, yet Captuage has a fucking god-king who is chosen by the Sun and Orosilas and Galros are all tut-tutting at what a terrible miscarriage of justice this is. The soyboy crocodile tears flow so freely here you'd think they'd have been able to make the Mondo River flow to the ocean again.

Oh ya, and the city council shit is still as big as the presidential race here. It was like when I was born but now with the internet and targeted ads you can just hack your way into people's phones and campaign the shit out of them and you get like fined for using ad blockers. You don't even need an address in that city to vote, just the password which is supposedly sent to only city residents. Ya, fucking, right. I've voted in three Paladio Bay Area elections and I haven't been there for like seven years.

Also, good luck getting any kind of benefits if you're planning on working there. I thought I was getting fucked over working on like a temp contract where it was considered "at will". So I can get fired any time even though contract stated I was there for 3 months min. Well the contract ran out, they never renewed it, just started paying me like a janitor's wage until I finally gave up and left. There was a guy at one of the factories there who got his arm cut off during testing and the CEO deported and sued him before the investigation into safety violations was concluded. Then, the govt ordered a fine and for the company to apologize to the worker. And the fucking shithead billionaire not only didn't do either of that shit but continued to disparage the worker's family, eventually forced him to pay out his severence (no pun intended) and the worker lost his citizenship. Fucking capitalist wonderland.

## Economy

It's all fucking start ups man. Start ups and movies. And tech cgi wonder movies that gotta break a billion to make any money. If you don't do either of those things have fun dying in a gutter and then ground up into cow feed that's been sanitized by some Beechland native who couldn't pass Biology.

## Demographics

90% virgin basement dwellers in the north

90% waitresses in the south

## Culture

What fucking culture? Fuck you, that's my culture.