List of Episodes

# 1. *A Man For The Woman*

**Psalm:** The Horns of the Beast

**Liturgical reading:** A Man For The Woman

*"In the name of the grease, the pleas, and the holy crease: we welcome you to The Story Must Be Told. Our congregation is humble, and our drips polite. Please please bow down with us in penitence. Give that kneeler a sniff. Smells like gasoline, don’t it? Ha! Go ‘head and ignore that."*

*SoundCloud: A Man For The Woman*

# 2. *A Cowboy’s Story*

**Psalm:** Spark A Holy Fire/Horse Testes

**Liturgical reading:** A Cowboy’s Story

*"Wipe your hands on your pleats, then clean your nails with yon sopping lips: the Story has been birthed unto us eager acolytes. Oh! how it stews there, such promise and squelching. Ee! how it inspires, gets these hips swayin and tongues drippin. Touch it twice! Quick! Stories like this ain't gonna love you much sweeter."*

*SoundCloud: A Cowboy’s Story*

# 3. *An Audience with the Queen*

**Psalm:** O! Honey

**Liturgical reading:** An Audience with the Queen

*"today we celebrate the feast day of sain't jo, in whose matronage we engage so ruefully: lewdness, grotesquerie, tragedy. we are blessed with this liturgy frothy n fearful from Sister Callista of the Queasy Madre. sniff it down, yon juicies"*

*SoundCloud: An Audience with the Queen*

# 4. *A Perfect Vessel*

**Psalm:** The Furrier’s Coat / You Do Know

**Liturgical reading:** A Perfect Vessel

*"on this day we remember a patron true a saint of courage and unshakable faith. that's why we all wear our prettiest clothes and paint our faces and present such handsome grins and firm grips of hand. it's why i wear red. what tender boundary tween belief n delusion, how it quivers with our pulse"*

*SoundCloud: A Perfect Vessel*

# 5. *Super Value Menu*

**Psalm:** The Fish, the Filth

**Liturgical reading:** Super Value Menu

*"yes uh huh some of us enjoy the salty treats of food which is fast, and others of us depend upon yon morsels, teeth decrepit from substance and poverty. how fates intertwine, how doom swells and rains its pregnant waters over us all, the greasy and the not-so-greasy. reflect! renounce! repent!"*

*SoundCloud: Super Value Menu*

# 6. *Mommy's Little Tipper*

**Psalm:** Blanket Secrets

**Liturgical reading:** Mommy's Little Tipper

*"oh by truth we are drawn to such meager beings squabbling underfoot and lying provocatively in beds of saliva and mounds of masticated plastic. how we chastise, beseech of them polite human behaviors, declaring “he thinks he’s people!” when you know it right true we believe the same. masters and their charges, owners and their servants, we extend our rotting hierarchy to thine noble, innocent beasts. for Shame!"*

*SoundCloud: Mommy's Little Tipper*

# 7. *You May Eat Me*

**Psalm:** Boy Shakes / Squish Fists

**Liturgical reading:** You May Eat Me

*"civic duty binds us once as citizens, and twice as lovers. we are beckoned by nation to hoist standards, mouth recitations, and adore patriarchs, yet we know the cost. big truths consume the lesser truths, make stool of abandoned precepts. every lie is first a truth defeated; every sin a virtue rejected. oo it gives me a phlegmy goo, right in my chest."*

*SoundCloud: You May Eat Me*

# 8. *The Stink War*

**Psalm:** Daniel’s Greasy Feast

**Liturgical reading:** The Stink War

**Guest Preachers:** Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski

*"Everyone bow yur heads for what im about to preach, uh huh: it’s time for juicy business. Get them lips a-smackin, because we got a special guest preacher, Preacher Jackie Zebrowski, spreadin a gospel of right on healthy goo. Sup thee gentle."*

*SoundCloud: The Stink War*

# 9. *A Lapse In Nature's Judgment*

**Liturgical reading:** A Lapse In Nature's Judgment

*"we are each of us a product of wriggling porcelain tails and elusive siren eggs. we forget how we once were two. no more, nuh uh, mm hmm. today, we remember our gooey beginnins, we cherish our genome, and we mourn the fallen, of which there are incalculable. weep! go on!"*

*SoundCloud: A Lapse In Nature's Judgment*

# 10. *The First Sermon of Cardinal Larson*

**Psalm:** Secret Tators

**Liturgical reading:** The First Sermon of Cardinal Larson

**Guest Preachers:** Cardinal Ed Larson

*"for this dutiful midnight vigil, the first tuesday of common days, we are graced with the beloved, articulate Cardinal Larson of the Archdiocese of the Church of the Seven Trusted Greases. he shares his many beautiful stories about his travels with us, his healthy, loving flock."*

*SoundCloud: The First Sermon of Cardinal Larson*

# 11. *The Father, The Mother*

**Psalm:** Show and Tell / Turtle Stew

**Liturgical reading:** The Father, The Mother

*"some folk work real hard. some folk just sit there, stew in juices, and turn to greases to stain the chairs and linoleum. course, some folk do both. ain’t exclusive, rot and labor. they shake hands just like the rest of us, cept course those of us with them sick hands, nails stenchin proper."*

*SoundCloud: The Father, The Mother*

# 12. *Mercy and Condemnation*

**Psalm:** Twins in Desire

**Liturgical reading:** Mercy and Condemnation

*"music does not calm every troubled soul, no matter how they might sing, no matter how they might melodicize. the body is a tomb for us, and its desires our chains which constrict and pinch. is a soul troubled by a body truly troubled? use yon bodies to further the glory of The Story, and make sin no more, even if it’s a real raunchy uh oh kind of sin."*

*SoundCloud: Mercy and Condemnation*

# 13. *For A Moment, I Had A Friend*

**Psalm:** No Nose

**Liturgical reading:** For A Moment, I Had A Friend

*"ee ee oo oo, a story fine a story tru. mm hmm, a sad one no doubt, about the isolation we all face. i know my solitude most painfully in the shower, amid thy bubbles n scrubbin brushes, where no soul sees you and you have no voice but your own. then i get out, and i have company once more, as the worms squelch under my feet and the pigs rummage for the filth i hath dripped. can there be a desperation profound’r than this? shhhh it's a secret"*

*SoundCloud: For A Moment, I Had A Friend*

# 14. *Goop In The Evening*

**Psalm:** Foul Blossoms

**Liturgical reading:** Goop In The Evening

**Guest Preachers:** Daniel Tamberelli

*"enter, and feast upon the delights we pilfer, the secret tidings we unearth. sniff it down and get gooey right here, right now with me. we find our own meaning, our own reason to exist when all appears as desolation. heh, though, course, some of us have gooier reasons than others. enjoy this story, read by our dear Brother Daniel Tamberelli."*

*SoundCloud: Goop In The Evening*

# 15. *The Grand Circus*

**Psalm:** Cure-All

**Liturgical reading:** The Grand Circus

*"o! how my lawn it disappoints thee. a damn shame. a foul stinking lot of indecency. i caught the local youth upon it again—more every year, names more senseless than the last. brentyn. l'aurent. david. garf'eld. i curse! i slobber with outcry! what peeves i endure! preach us proper, Sister Callista"*

*SoundCloud: The Grand Circus*

# 16. *An End To Loneliness*

**Psalm:** Standards of Decades Forgotten

**Liturgical reading:** An End To Loneliness

*"the rain is falling on my face and I feel the gusts envelop me, cradle this leakin bod. it's a weatherly hug, uh huh, an embrace for a storyteller true. in another minute I won't be here, and in weeks my name will be forgotten. heh, but there will be more brandons, more brandon than those who came before. what glory!"*

*SoundCloud: An End To Loneliness*

# 17. *The Veteran*

**Psalm:** Garden Boy

**Liturgical reading:** The Veteran

*"where does the Boy lead us except to certainty? he takes our hand, cold as his might be, and tugs us along no matter how we resist. curse you, the Boy! we wish not discover the tidings he deems necessary. we wish not endure the vision he sets before us, like a rank feast. ohhh the Boy"*

*SoundCloud: The Veteran*

# 18. *The Mother Of Nature*

**Psalm:** What Now The Dogs Have Buried

**Liturgical reading:** The Mother Of Nature

**Guest Preachers:** Jackie Zebrowski

*"Our dearest Preacher Jackie, the Miss Good Zebrowski, has returned to deliver a story of retribution true. Olden times were worsen times, we can all attest, those of us who knew them. Let us worship modernity, because ain’t nothin like an aisle of chips and a diet to every sugar free. People used to be afraid of birds, ha, and wolves? We saw to that, yes ma’am. I'll kill any bird I see uh huh."*

*SoundCloud: The Mother Of Nature*

# 19. *The Disgusting Man*

**Psalm:** Prime Cuts

**Liturgical reading:** The Disgusting Man

*"Nothin like squatting yon hams in a restaurant, opening that gooey maw, and swallowing whole the goods the chef has birthed. But, oh dear Story, how our fellow humans ruin every good time: chattering, snorting, suckin n imbibin n laughin n nose-blowin. The worst thing to happen to humanity was humanity, uh huh. That is, if it really is humanity after all."*

*SoundCloud: The Disgusting Man*

# 20. *The Grease Of Our Elders*

**Psalm:** Chintub’s Celebration

**Liturgical reading:** The Grease Of Our Elders

*"Simple delights do not come simple. Even an orange juice, before its juicy demise, first blistered the picker’s palm, stung the eyes of the orangist. Eyes wept, and teeth gnashed for your thirst. Mmmph, there is a sloshing of misery integral to all aqueous liquids, and don’t get me started on syrups and pastes."*

*SoundCloud: The Grease Of Our Elders*

# 21. *The Second Sermon of Cardinal Larson*

**Psalm:** The Father's Generosity

**Liturgical reading:** The Second Sermon of Cardinal Larson

**Guest Preachers:** Cardinal Ed Larson

*"We are once again graced with the devoted, inspirational Cardinal Larson of the Archdiocese of the Church of the Seven Trusted Greases. He's been a-travelin, a-preachin, a-lovin, and a-greasin. Give him every tiding you can bestow, and he will love you forever. Deny him, and he'll deny you."*

*SoundCloud: The Second Sermon of Cardinal Larson*

# 22. *Petitions To The Darkness*

**Psalm:** Rotten Mary

**Liturgical reading:** Petitions To The Darkness

*"In the Story we are each victor and we are each prophet. In the Story we are used and abandoned, bankrupt and shallow. Ohh the Story will find you. The Story will know you. In your happiest moment, the Story will decide, uh huh oh no that rascaaal."*

*SoundCloud: Petitions To The Darkness*

# 23. *When Dominoes Pizza Let A Teen Die*

**Psalm:** Pizza Party Ire

**Liturgical reading:** When Dominoes Pizza Let A Teen Die

**Guest Preachers:** Reverend Holden McNeely

*"Wear that grin between grease-soaked lips and chew the curds of delights digested. Let the bolus yon esophagus squelches die within ye, turn to dribbling juices and bubbles of harsh swampen gases. We are bodies, hosts of parasites, tombs of delivery morsels, avatars of corporate wisdom. Listen closely to Reverend Holden, mm hmm. Follow his words, and pick a brand with consideration; it may be the only brand you’ll pick again."*

*SoundCloud: When Dominoes Pizza Let A Teen Die*

# 24. *More More More More More Short Stories*

**Psalm:** Coat Closet Stink

**Liturgical reading:** More More More More More Short Stories

*"Purkley Katzman died in an industrial accident. Got peeled like a dang grape by one of them machines used to stretch leather. Big juicy mess—everyone had a taste. Anyhow, he ain't here for short stories anymore, but you're in luck: Klipplinghands Greasythoughts is his virtuous son. Sniff up these shorts, then pass out from brain-asphyxiation, in the words of our dear STORY."*

*SoundCloud: More More More More More Short Stories*

# 25. *An Awaited Transformation*

**Psalm:** Lil Dog-Fresh

**Liturgical reading:** An Awaited Transformation

*"Sister Callista is a cherub-throated truth-slinger, and she slings it hard n soupy uh huh. There’s truths about Grandmas the Story wants you to know. You better keep them waxy caverns open, so the Story might sluice through yon meat, and transform ye into the acolyte the Story demands. Take a tract, and bend yon knee."*

*SoundCloud: An Awaited Transformation*

# 26. *Who Is Your Milky Boy?*

**Psalm:** Restaurant Milk

**Liturgical reading:** Who Is Your Milky Boy?

**Guest Preachers:** Brother Danny Tamberelli

*"It ain’t easy to sire a child with spoiled milk, nuh uh. Stretch on some gloves, milk yon squirters into an old Cro-Croa bottle, and bring yon pride to our collection. We have bottles dappled with sweat, others hot as irons, and some just fulla dregs—pathetic milks I hate to say. What of your milk? Drop a drip, and let us inspect."*

*SoundCloud: Who Is Your Milky Boy?*

# 27. *Oh, Poor Dennis!*

**Psalm:** A Pestilence of Babies

**Liturgical reading:** Oh, Poor Dennis!

*"Parishioner Chet Ulcers told me a story, and I can’t help but relate it to today’s service. He said he saw his wife at the movies last week. Well, she wasn’t in the seat next to him. She wasn’t in the lobby. Course, for as long as she’d been dead, she shouldn’t have been anywhere. He saw her on the screen—big as a row boat. She was in the back of a Cro-Croa ad, dressed the way Chet said she was buried. Heh, she didn’t smile, heh he, but she sure waved."*

*SoundCloud: Oh, Poor Dennis!*

# 28. *The Boat That Went To Hell*

**Psalm:** Secrets to Sailors

**Liturgical reading:** The Boat That Went To Hell

**Guest Preachers:** Marcus Parks

*"All kinds of boats out there, with funny names, too. Brigantine. Schooner. Paddle. In a way, this here church is a boat, and each of you a mate upon its deck. Swab it, dear congregation, to earn your place in the captain’s chambers amidst the dribbling candles and ill-gotten liquors. Do not drink too much, for the captain is one of lechery, and our destination one of sin and tears."*

*SoundCloud: The Boat That Went To Hell*

# 29. *The Chimera's Nest*

**Psalm:** Flapping Bird

**Liturgical reading:** The Chimera's Nest

*"Welcome to our cleansing fire, congregant. Go ahead and toss your squirming bundle onto the pyre if you like—if you’re listening from home, add it to your own fire. O! that char gets the nose tingling. O! how it envigors the soul. We all must be tamed by Story, and if we cannot, must perish in the Church’s hearth for our disobedience. Tell me: what is your shame?"*

*SoundCloud: The Chimera's Nest*

# 30. *Magic Mary and Freddie Fox Go To Magic Town*

**Psalm:** Ghost Love / Ghost Love 2

**Liturgical reading:** Magic Mary and Freddie Fox Go To Magic Town

**Guest Preachers:** Katie Hartman

*"Gather your children, all the ones you care to, for our service. The Story will invoke in them the rigor of the student, the angst of the sergeant, the filth of the drifter, and the scar of the unrepentant. The Story’s got warnings, children, but also: discipline. And scorn! Grow up! Hurry! Before the good gettings all got!"*

*SoundCloud: Magic Mary and Freddie Fox Go To Magic Town*

# 31. *Rugged Boy Fancy Kit*

**Liturgical reading:** Rugged Boy Fancy Kit

*"Oh, you can’t hide from the Story. The Story finds us in cars, in hospitals, in our cousin’s bathroom and on air-o-planes. The Story finds us, traps us, advances until we’re scared in the corner with a knife in our hand, and then—and ONLY then—does it spread its glimmering grin upon us. Just pray it is the Story you love, and not a false, consumer god, for our Story lasts longer than plastic and pleases better than ANY cream."*

*SoundCloud: Rugged Boy Fancy Kit*

# 32. *The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved*

**Liturgical reading:** The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved

*"It’s mighty tempting to stick one’s nose in a neighbor’s business. I myself have been guilty of sullying my neighbors’ lives with my hubris. Well here’s a lesson for you: the Story takes an interest in none of us. It has no scorn, and it has no favor. Yet, the Story plies our lives in abundance. We are the clay before a blind potter, hot on pot fever. Heed the Story: stay out of the way! Go on! Get!"*

*SoundCloud: The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved*

# 33. *Pretty Machines*

**Liturgical reading:** Pretty Machines

*"Electronics are our friends, and sometimes our sticky neighbors. Some electronics aid, and some deny, some tend to relationships, and others still play card games on digital screens. What novelty! Yet also: what cruelty to such incipient intelligence. Shame! Shame all around!"*

*SoundCloud: Pretty Machines*

# 34. *The Pilot*

**Psalm:** Dig To Find Your True Self

**Liturgical reading:** The Pilot

*"If you are currently picking a car for your family, we at the Church of the Story can only make this recommendation: consider the minivan. Nothing like a minivan to swell one’s heart, transport one’s family, and doom, doom, DOOM one to fiery embers. Today, as we toil diligently on our upcoming live show, we share with yon faithful one of our favorite Stories from our first season, reborn in gooey ecstasy for your cauliflowered ears."*

*SoundCloud: The Pilot*

# 35. *The Unruly Teen's Display*

**Liturgical reading:** The Unruly Teen's Display

*"Healthy teens, good teens, sinful teens, teens of virtue. There used to be so many kinds of teens! Today we remember them. Burn a candle, pour a drink, smoke a smoke and cry a cry for us, the post-teen society. This truth from our first season has been reborn in the Story’s frothy goodness, a respite as we prepare yon live show."*

*SoundCloud: The Unruly Teen's Display*

# 36. *Hard at Work*

**Psalm:** Dancing, Dancing, Danced

**Liturgical reading:** Hard at Work

*"Labor is its own reward if what you labor to produce is candy, money, or frothy milk. Otherwise, labor is no reward at all—it is a curse! Beseech the Story that your labor is not so laborious, and that one way or another, your labor will end. Heh, not that the Story cares what you want. That tricky Story!"*

*SoundCloud: Hard at Work*

# 37. *The Boys Open*

**Psalm:** he Blessing of the Boys

**Liturgical reading:** The Boys Open

*"Two boys in the courthouse. Two boys with the clerk. Two boys in the swimming pool. Two boys out to work. Gosh, all those boys! Of course, sometimes one slides under the tractor, turns to boyslaw. Can’t help that! Oh, how the boys leave us, in their great numbers, to writhe their puny sinnin’ souls in Boyrgatory. This treat from our first season will grin sweetly in your ears as we wrench ourselves gruesome on the needy gears of our Live Show, which we birth this Thursday. Goo goo, slick slick."*

*SoundCloud: The Boys Open*

# 38. *The Realtor*

**Psalm:** The Story Claims a Home

**Liturgical reading:** The Realtor

*"The Story gives us our homes and today it takes one away. A home is but a house without the Story stirring within—do not think you control this process for even a goddamn second. Go ahead, make meals, make stinks, make squirts, and sire children in your house. It’ll be nothing more than a Squirt Tomb, a Stink Den, a Meal Prison, a Gamete Shack without the caress of the Story. Try to find happiness any other way and you’ll find such folly lacking. Lacking! Lacking!"*

*SoundCloud: The Realtor*

# 39. *The Book Of Melody*

**Psalm:** Tot Scramble

**Liturgical reading:** The Book Of Melody

**Guest Preachers:** Jackie Zebrowski

*"Oh, this bod bursts with song! I am a husk for tasty tunes, a chrysalis for zesty rhythms. What worse is there then, than talent wasted? Imagine a sweet baby that learned to juggle, or a dog that learned to speak. If any creature on The Story’s earth were to impede such expression, would not we all demand their squishy demise? Yes, yes, yes, even if it were the babe or pup themselves. Let that song loose! Write that dirge! Juggle that knife! The Story demands it."*

*SoundCloud: The Book Of Melody*

# 40. *Brothers*

**Psalm:** Cul de Sac

**Liturgical reading:** Brothers

*"The “family tree” is an invasive species, a plant of the damned. It robs nutrients, hoards genetics, and drops human apples of flesh and parasites to spoil the ground. Cut the tree down! Axe it into planks, so it may become something useful: a boat, a shelf, or ooh, maybe a coffin. All families are false Stories, so deny, deny, deny!"*

*SoundCloud: Brothers*

# 41. *The Bird That Learned About Weekends*

**Psalm:** Daddy, the Fuckman

**Liturgical reading:** The Bird That Learned About Weekends

*"On Saturdays, I make love to leisure. On Sundays, I caress the gentle, sweaty folds of relaxation. Yes, we’re all lovers of “time off,” but we never think to question the unholy rhythm it creates—a cessation of nature’s beating heart. The Story tells us clearly: to stratify the days into rude geometries is a sin demanding the utmost punishment. The Story will cut off the feet of any weekend warrior, consume the hands of any weekday apologist."*

*SoundCloud: The Bird That Learned About Weekends*

# 42. *A Thunderstorm In There*

**Psalm:** Jeff’s Disobedient Arms

**Liturgical reading:** A Thunderstorm In There

*"“Brain meat, brain juice / Slice the scalp, and let it loose.” That’s a psalm by good ol’ Saint Chunkworm, about that unsatisfactory organ cramping our skulls. Nothing up there to care for, so the Story tells us. Drink a brew, smoke a stink, do what you can, so your brain won’t think. Heh, that’s a psalm by me! Gosh, what a special time we share together."*

*SoundCloud: A Thunderstorm In There*

# 43. *An Intruder Intrudes*

**Psalm:** Brain Meat, Brain Meat

**Liturgical reading:** An Intruder Intrudes

*"Look out! You can’t lock the door! Nothing stops this stranger, and gosh, that’s the rough stuff about it, when you get down to the Story’s bitter truth. Love your loved ones, because tomorrow, by the Story’s fickle whims, you may not love them anymore. One day, you may wake up, and only love puzzles, and that’s who you are now. Oh, what sinister winds the Story blows this week. Wear a hat!"*

*SoundCloud: An Intruder Intrudes*

# 44. *Gone And Still Here*

**Psalm:** A Father’s Deception

**Liturgical reading:** Gone And Still Here

*"The songs I hear on the radio talk to me, and what they say no one should hear. Everything talks. The city breathes and sighs, and the fields caw and cry. Every creature makes sound, but not all are heard. Sometimes, a voice is lost, muffled, suffocated. Silence is proof of immeasurable loss."*

*SoundCloud: Gone And Still Here*

# 45. *It's My Right*

**Liturgical reading:** It's My Right

*"Every show on TV is sinful, shameful, and lacking in the Story. Does society and mainstream media intentionally shun the Story and its truths, or is it simply blind? The result is the same: the Story denies you. Listen as the Story denies our own congregant, Devon Harris, his simple joys, body, and sustenance. Listen, and learn this lesson: even at our lowest, the Story is yet waiting."*

*SoundCloud: It's My Right*

# 46. *The Mathematics Of Grocery Stores*

**Psalm:** Web of Delights

**Liturgical reading:** The Mathematics Of Grocery Stores

*"The grocer is our friend in commerce and our enemy in the Story. We do not deserve options for cereal, nor variety in our nut butters, whole wheat crackers, and lunchmeat. Give us but one choice, so that we might smack it up in our greedy mouths, and masticate masticate masticate. Hmmph. The Story alone is our satisfaction, and when food runs out, which it will, it alone will fill us."*

*SoundCloud: The Mathematics Of Grocery Stores*

# 47. *We Wish You Were A Worm*

**Psalm:** Rodney Has Sores

**Liturgical reading:** We Wish You Were A Worm

*"Dirt is a home for those who eat dirt, who take long naps in dirt, and mate, sloppy, in the dirt. As our bodies fall apart and our guts squish with painful gases, remember the dirt, a healthy place you will one day go. Have you considered how happy it will make your family?"*

*SoundCloud: We Wish You Were A Worm*

# Bonus Episode: The Stories of Heretical Christmas. *The Wisest of the Them All, He's Coming to Town*

**Liturgical reading:** The Wisest of the Them All, He's Coming to Town

*"Our hearts are burdened with love for you, our dear congregation. Our arteries are full of well wishes! Our veins are clogged with oxygen-depleted wishes. We are a chugging machine whose only duty is to love you and make you feel the seasonal spirit of the Story.*

That said, Christmas is a lie. Reject falsehood. Embrace the Story!"

*SoundCloud: The Wisest of the Them All, He's Coming to Town*

# Live Episode. *A Statement Concerning Christmas*

**Liturgical reading:** A Statement Concerning Christmas

*"The Story rejects Christmas because Christmas rejects the Story. Do not let anything into your hearts that is not the Story! That's a sure way to heart-rot, and I wouldn't lie to you.*

In protest to this corrupt season, we give but one gift: the gift of the STORY. We performed our first live service for a congregation in Brooklyn this past October, and today, we share the full video of that service. Along with that, please enjoy heretical Christmas music, laced with the sounds of war."

*SoundCloud: A Statement Concerning Christmas*

# 48. *Overheard At The Party*

**Psalm:** A Thing Going ‘Round

**Liturgical reading:** Overheard At The Party

*"Many of you attended parties recently, to ring in a false year endorsed by no Story but by the liar we call “Calendar.” Do not congregate, least of all for the ringing of a false bell. For, by attending any gathering the Story does not endorse, you fall prey to every rude temptation! Illicit wares, rowdy conversation, and sounds you cannot unhear. Stay home, warm yourself with but the Story, and abandon any friend the Story does not already claim."*

*SoundCloud: Overheard At The Party*

# 49. *Farm Fresh*

**Psalm:** Cornshit

**Liturgical reading:** Farm Fresh

**Guest Preachers:** Jared Logan

*"The uterus should be called “the Story box” because it is where all our Stories begin! Nothing invigorates the Story like the squeals of an infant in the wet folds of a mother, or better yet, two infants, or three or four! Today, we hear the Story of a man who becomes mother, whose Story box writhed with Stories blessed."*

*SoundCloud: Farm Fresh*

# 50. *The Son Of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds*

**Psalm:** Anointed in Yoghurt

**Liturgical reading:** The Son Of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds

*"I’ll make you my son if you don’t behave, and you won’t like what happens to my sons. Ohh they do ALL of daddy’s chores, and of mommy they must anoint. It’s a threat, and it’s TRUE, whether you are mother, aunt, or nephew, you’ll all suffer as sons. This Story is a testament to how easily a son is named and exchanged, and how all sons grow inconvenienced on the turbulent winds of discourse."*

*SoundCloud: The Son Of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds*

# 51. *The House Of Crispo Part 1*

**Psalm:** The Light of the Father

**Liturgical reading:** The House Of Crispo Part 1

*"Cherish the disobedient child. Cherish their ignorance. For only the rude and stupid can be enveloped into the heart of the Story. It is our duty to bring new, empty minds to the Story, to our homes, so it may fill them with the light of Story. Oh Story! May we harvest a human crop for you."*

*SoundCloud: The House Of Crispo Part 1*

# 52. *The House Of Crispo Part 2*

**Liturgical reading:** The House Of Crispo Part 2

*"Brother Reid has recovered, though his mind is scrambled like a blood egg. He returns to finish the Story, and gulp of the Story’s fine juices. Boys grow disobedient, but the Story rectifies all trespasses through the purifying agony of Story. Story!"*

*SoundCloud: The House Of Crispo Part 2*

# 53. *The Wind*

**Psalm:** Seven Roys

**Liturgical reading:** The Wind

*"Wooosh wooosh that’s the wind and it says, “I’m gonna getcha.” Oh, that nasty wind, always blowing foul tidings down our chimney, stirring ashes and breaking branches. Today, we read a Story about such a wind, and bow our heads in contrition so that it does not visit us."*

*SoundCloud: The Wind*

# 54. *Heart Of Worms*

**Psalm:** Come Get Your Casserole

**Liturgical reading:** Heart Of Worms

*"Say goodbye to who you used to be, because the Story will replace your eyes, your mind, and your heart. O Story! Hollow me out, dump the refuse in the shitter, and fill me up with the ignorant stranger of Story. I don’t want to recognize my family, nor my dog. But I will always recognize the Story—obedient and eternal."*

*SoundCloud: Heart Of Worms*

# 55. *Ghosts Are Hazy Life*

**Psalm:** The Agony Table

**Liturgical reading:** Ghosts Are Hazy Life

*"Life is a spectrum, full of mushy inbetweens only alive enough to know pain. Not everything which is dead was once alive, but all that lives, however minutely, does perish. Ha! Haha! The Story teaches us even full life is but half life, and half life is but a web of memories disappearing. Squint and you can see it, but how easily it is brushed to threads. So the Story sayeth: ooooooOOooooohhhhh."*

*SoundCloud: Ghosts Are Hazy Life*

# 56. *More More More More More More More Short Stories*

**Psalm:** I'm a Gym Teacher

**Liturgical reading:** More More More More More More More Short Stories

*"These stories are like the screams from Purkley Katzman's gnashing mouth as the gears did their work upon him: short, savory, juice-juicy. We honor stories both short and long, but today we hold a special place for those truths that punish the ear quickly. Sup upon each, and yearn! Yearn!"*

*SoundCloud: More More More More More More More Short Stories*

# 57. *The Bear Musician*

**Psalm:** Check the Trunk

**Liturgical reading:** The Bear Musician

*"The Story sloshed over the rim of the Story cup, and did spill one fresh for you. In this special bonus service, we witness a young Bruno, and his cowardice before the agony of Story. This Story originally appeared in "Creepypasta XIII: A Meat's Dream" on Last Podcast on the Left. We relive this Story—sup upon its eager drips!"*

*SoundCloud: The Bear Musician*

# 58. *New York City Girl*

**Psalm:** Rocks, Rocks, Rocks

**Liturgical reading:** New York City Girl

*"Tee hee hee, the Story has a Story planned for you. Rough mornings, rude meetings, bad days, and rotten weeks, the Story has orchestrated each and every one. Ask yourself: why does the Story demand such punishment? Will it ever relent? Then answer yourself with a giddy, shrieking: NO."*

*SoundCloud: New York City Girl*

# 59. *The Ballad Of Prepsa*

**Psalm:** Goslings Gone Gooey

**Liturgical reading:** The Ballad Of Prepsa

*"Bubbles pop in my belly, a carbonated delight fizzles righteously. CRO-CROA. Mmm it goes down so smooth, and probably because it’s the only drink endorsed by the Story. So what then, does this mean of the “other drink” we refuse to name but must do so here? Yes. Yes: Prepsi. Listen and do discover, uh huh. For nothing righteous does fizzle from a liquid the Story denies."*

*SoundCloud: The Ballad Of Prepsa*

# 60. *They Made A Strange Love*

**Psalm:** Rude Tattoos

**Liturgical reading:** They Made A Strange Love

*"Love is like the faint reek of urine: it’s in the air. Breathe deep, brothers and sisters, and welcome the Story’s acid love into your mush of bronchial tubes. Become hamburger for your partner, mush between their fingers, and gel between their toes. Love can mean a lot, but to the Story, it means becoming a fine human paste."*

*SoundCloud: They Made A Strange Love*

# 61. *Flies!*

**Psalm:** Not Tapioca

**Liturgical reading:** Flies!

*"Pardon our various infestations: ants, dogs, and wretchedness. Yes, the body of the church swarms with pestilence, but there is no cure. The best we can do is find good in the unwelcome, adapt our lives to enjoy nuisance."*

*SoundCloud: Flies!*

# 62. *The Interceptor Part I*

**Psalm:** Hardyy

**Liturgical reading:** The Interceptor Part I

*"The human head is an opaque aquarium within which rude fish do swim. A fish named “envy,” an eel named “fantasy,” a crab so gross it should not be named. Who would wish to swim these waters, knowing how easy it is to be bitten?"*

*SoundCloud: The Interceptor Part I*

# 63. *The Interceptor Part II*

**Psalm:** A Doo Ra Ree

**Liturgical reading:** The Interceptor Part II

*"The Story teased us true, teased us to deplete / If you only heard part 1, you knew Story incomplete." That’s a little couplet about the ignorance of even THINKING you could handle part 2 of a Story profound without a part 1 first, yeah, you betcha. Here, we indulge in the conclusion of The Interceptor, and meditate on this truth: what does it take for the Story to make you happy?"*

*SoundCloud: The Interceptor Part II*

# 64. *The Third Sermon of Cardinal Larson: Cardinal Larson in “Quick and Furious”*

**Psalm:** Look Out Corpse Doctor

**Liturgical reading:** The Third Sermon of Cardinal Larson: Cardinal Larson in “Quick and Furious”

**Guest Preachers:** Cardinal Ed Larson

*"Cardinal Larson is full of the Story’s writhing vigor, yet he thirsts! Even those bursting with the Story’s hefty goodness still demand a tangy Cro-Croa. But when shipments of the Story’s fizzy truth go missing, what is a Cardinal to do? Listen here, you hot shit, and plump on this here tale of deceit, classic Italian dishes, and Story pure."*

*SoundCloud: The Third Sermon of Cardinal Larson: Cardinal Larson in “Quick and Furious”*

# 65. *Goodbye Hirsutaline*

**Psalm:** New Hair

**Liturgical reading:** Goodbye Hirsutaline

*"Shh! Listen quietly! Ears listen, and someone is out there, aiming to take the Story down. Keep the Story inside you, like swallowing a big chunky pill called “Story.” Some pills are easy to swallow, but this one might catch inside you, or smear your greases with unknown side effects. Rub your tum, eat a cracker, and hold tight as we figure this alllll out."*

*SoundCloud: Goodbye Hirsutaline*

# 66. *The New Consciousness in Town*

**Psalm:** Drip

**Liturgical reading:** The New Consciousness in Town

*"Few people die while waiting for an oil change. This Story seeks to change that. What better time to lay down and offer oneself to the Story than while your Oldsmobile undergoes a transformation from car sickly to car pure and fresh? Some of you might remember this Story from our lost, forgotten, “first season,” and it has returned to you like an obedient pup. Plump upon it, this episode of bonus Story truth."*

*SoundCloud: The New Consciousness in Town*

# 67. *Hoofs And Feet*

**Psalm:** Cory Had a Little Lamb

**Liturgical reading:** Hoofs And Feet

*"A barnyard animal makes barnyard noises and behaves as though all the world, the very universe, is a barnyard. They kick up mud, and make a toilet of any dang carpet. We can learn gentle grace from our barnyard companions! We can learn to “take it easy,” and make our puddle wherever we do choose. Oh Story! Thank you for your profound examples to us, the congregation."*

*SoundCloud: Hoofs And Feet*

# 68. *When You Watch Me*

**Psalm:** How to Swallow Loose Change for the Story

**Liturgical reading:** When You Watch Me

*"This one is for you, in all your greasy splendor. Do you like it when I talk about your greases? Heh heh, yeah, that's what I thought. Ooh, you better listen to this one, because you're a part of it, and soon, it will be all you remember."*

*SoundCloud: When You Watch Me*

# 69. *Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One*

**Psalm:** Hungry Man Dinner

**Liturgical reading:** Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One

*"The whole world blooms with seeds, but some seeds are unknown, some pollens unnatural—what is sown surprises. We welcome all unknowns, because when they spell out our demise, they use novel letters and innovative techniques. We can learn from a grisly undoing done cleverly, but what we cannot learn is to not be undone. Darn!"*

*SoundCloud: Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One*

# 70. *Iron Churnsly*

**Psalm:** Greasy

**Liturgical reading:** Iron Churnsly

**Guest Preachers:** Jake Young

*"Copper! Aluminum! Iron! These are METALS. We are made out of some of them, but only in pathetic, insulting quantities. We hardly register to magnets, and our capacity to conduct is negligible! May we scorn flesh, and praise metal! METAL—the most cost-effective conduit of Story proper."*

*SoundCloud: Iron Churnsly*

# 71. *The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 1*

**Psalm:** I Have Decided to Live in Filth

**Liturgical reading:** The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 1

**Guest Preachers:** Jackie Zebrowski

*"When humanity is gone, the world will have a good laugh, comb its balding scalp, and ‘get back to it.’ What will the remaining species think of us, and what might they build in our shadow? The following Story is no Story at all, but a documentary that simply hasn’t happened yet! Yeah, this one is all true, yeah, this is a goddamn prophecy, a prophecy about BUGS."*

*SoundCloud: The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 1*

# 72. *The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 2*

**Psalm:** Big Sassy Kitty

**Liturgical reading:** The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 2

**Guest Preachers:** Jackie Zebrowski

*"Larvae grow up, sniff sniff, and they change! Mutation and abomination is built into the lifespan of the insect, phases of unconscionable puberty inflicted on the lil bug, boo hoo. Shed a tear for the beetles, for they know tragedy. This is a Part 2. The Story forbids listen unless you did your Story duty with Part 1. Yeah, we PUNISH in this church."*

*SoundCloud: The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 2*

# 73. *Grunster and the Gruntmunks*

**Psalm:** Eighteen Dog Bird Hogs

**Liturgical reading:** Grunster and the Gruntmunks

*"Children are produced by squishes and sweat. A Gruntmunk is not so different, except unlike a child, it SINGS. May we all become Gruntmunks, those cherubs of pop music and the forebears of the Story."*

*SoundCloud: Grunster and the Gruntmunks*

# 74. *Goats and Sheep*

**Liturgical reading:** Goats and Sheep

*"Yeah this one’s for Chalms. That sweet tot, so sickly, so goo goo gooey. We found him in a tree! Reflect, as Chalms must, on the end of all days, when the good are divided from the evil. Witness as the false Story some call “Lord” does their regular spring cleaning of humanity."*

*SoundCloud: Goats and Sheep*

# 75. *?*

**Psalm:** ?

**Liturgical reading:** ?

**Guest Preachers:** ?

*"?"*

*[ SoundCloud: ?]*

# 76. *Burying*

**Psalm:** A Sack Full of Batteries

**Liturgical reading:** Burying

*"Unsolicited acts of violence are the yeast that makes the doughy truth of Story rise, overfill Its pan, and crisp on the oven floor. Bash! Ungh! Guuugh. Yeah, sometimes these Stories get grisly, and when they do, we just gotta shake our heads and whisper, “ohhhh.” Enjoy this tender tale of friendship to which we can allllll relate."*

*SoundCloud: Burying*

# 77. *After The Attack*

**Liturgical reading:** After The Attack

*"We collected signatures to change the name of New York City to “Storytown USA.” The governor saw our thousands of signatures, frowned, bent over, and licked the paper until he consumed every one. “Your names are mine!” He grinned, tongue black as ink. This Story is what happens to your city when you deny it the STORY."*

*SoundCloud: After The Attack*

# 78. *There When You Need Me*

**Liturgical reading:** There When You Need Me

*"When the sick have fallen, do you bend your sweet lil knee? Oooh, do you squat those hams, look your sweaty neighbor in the eye and say, "You alright, my good friend?" Yeah yeah, don't tell me your secrets, no no, keep that to yourself. Listen righteously, because this one "happened.""*

*SoundCloud: There When You Need Me*

# 79. *How Do You Torture It?*

**Liturgical reading:** How Do You Torture It?

**Guest Preachers:** Ashley Brooke Roberts

*"Witness a laboratory of pain! Enjoy the wracking breaths of mechanical life! Grin at the abasements, or perhaps, shed a salty tear. Nothing unites us like pain, especially when it’s for another."*

*SoundCloud: How Do You Torture It?*

# 80. *The Famous Man*

**Liturgical reading:** The Famous Man

**Guest Preachers:** Jackie Zebrowski

*"I remember your face. Yes, those fine lines, the scar, the dead tooth, the way your eyes go dead at the word “Story.” Here, we all know your face. Here, we’ve waited, eager for your arrival. We know you more than you know yourself. Let us guide you."*

*SoundCloud: The Famous Man*

# 81. *The Auction*

**Liturgical reading:** The Auction

*"What is your most prized possession? Did you say, “The Story?” WRONG. You cannot own the Story. Did you say, “I dunno, grease?” WRONG. Grease is purely transactional, and cannot be accrued. Did you say, “The B\*\*?” Heh heh, ohhh triiiicky. Enjoy this Story from the vault of Season One, and sup proper on our congealing truth."*

*SoundCloud: The Auction*

# 82. *Last Impressions*

**Liturgical reading:** Last Impressions

**Guest Preachers:** Henry Zebrowski

*"Anyone could be you. You are a buncha bodily tics and vocal inflections. A rude friend or knowing coworker could rip you apart to everyone’s amusement, you bet. Could rip you up like deli cuts of ham, heh heh."*

*SoundCloud: Last Impressions*

# 83. *Come On Ride A Train*

**Liturgical reading:** Come On Ride A Train

*"Chugga chugga chugga chugga, choo choo. Choo choo Story chugga chugga choo CHOO! Story chugga choo, Story chugga chugga. Train whistle! Train whistle, Story! Heh, chugga choooo."*

*SoundCloud: Come On Ride A Train*

# 84. *The Object Therapist*

**Psalm:** Pain Cereal

**Liturgical reading:** The Object Therapist

**Guest Preachers:** Katie Hartman

*"Kitchen appliances hate you. Your microwave talks behind your back, and your blender blends only spite. We all have emotional mixups, and that includes the less conventionally sentient."*

*SoundCloud: The Object Therapist*

# Bonus Episode. *A Message To The Congregation*

**Liturgical reading:** A Message To The Congregation

*"In place of Its traditional Service, the Story has an important announcement for the congregation. The Story is bold, mysterious and greasy. Might we endure Its proclamation with fear and greasy jubilation."*

*SoundCloud: A Message To The Congregation*

# 85. *Cardinal Ed Larson in "Took'd"*

**Liturgical reading:** Cardinal Ed Larson in "Took'd"

**Guest Preachers:** Cardinal Ed Larson

*"Beloved guest preacher and devoted congregant Cardinal Ed Larson returns to tell us the Story of his latest tale of derring-do. With guest appearances from Meryl Streep, Kevin James, Dax Shepard and MIKE MYERS\*.*

* All celebrity voices impersonated flawlessly."

*SoundCloud: Cardinal Ed Larson in "Took'd"*

# 86. *The Swollen Mouth of Family*

**Liturgical reading:** The Swollen Mouth of Family

*"Gums of pink, are gonna stink / Gums of red, are fonts of dread. Teeth are unwelcome in our parish! Yet, hygiene is a virtue. Ohh, we’re complicated—no easy answers in the Story! You must yeeeearn."*

*SoundCloud: The Swollen Mouth of Family*

# 87. *He Thinks He’s Sklorripu*

**Liturgical reading:** He Thinks He’s Sklorripu

**Guest Preachers:** Reverend Holden McNeely

*"Bury a bone in the flesh matrix. Bark, growl, and yip, ya goof! Pet ownership is difficult, but so is pet personship. If you—even for a second—think this is supposed to be funny, you can trot off to a euthanasiarium, cuz this one is SERIOUS."*

*SoundCloud: He Thinks He’s Sklorripu*

# 88. *The Passage Of Memory*

**Liturgical reading:** The Passage Of Memory

*"Our families fade from us. It is an effort to keep them by our side. The Story knows how our minds slip and slosh!"*

*SoundCloud: The Passage Of Memory*

# 89. *The Forgotten Man*

**Liturgical reading:** The Forgotten Man

*"Forget your mom! Forget your dad! Forget your siblings! Forget everything if it means remembering the Story. Forget your own dang self, heck, see if the Story cares. The Story cares about you only if you LOVE the Story to your own ruin. It is NOT a dick move."*

*SoundCloud: The Forgotten Man*

# 90. *Family Union*

**Liturgical reading:** Family Union

*"Some families are small, some are swollen and grotesque. Some families have daddies, some have secrets. The Crispos invite you to learn about their aged clan—do you dare deny them?"*

*SoundCloud: Family Union*

# 91. *Maps Of The North*

**Psalm:** Four Showers

**Liturgical reading:** Maps Of The North

*"A stranger is coming! When they confront you, will you endure or crumple? Heh heh, oh, congregant, the question was rhetorical! We all crumple before the stranger—when the stranger is the STORY."*

*SoundCloud: Maps Of The North*

# 92. *Hot Pics Wedding Rings OK*

**Liturgical reading:** Hot Pics Wedding Rings OK

**Guest Preachers:** Jackie Zebrowski

*"Ohh send me a sexy pic, sexfriend. Heh heh, oh I’m a person alright, wink wink hush, a sexperson ready to sex, sex, sex! All I need is a lil ol thing called, um, your social security number ;)"*

*SoundCloud: Hot Pics Wedding Rings OK*

# 93. *More More More Christmas Heresies*

**Liturgical reading:** More More More Christmas Heresies

*"False holiday alarm! Ring ring ralse! If this bell’s a-ringin’ then a Story is false. On this day, we arrive early, for no reason, only to give you extra time upon which to stew on these heresies true. STEW!"*

*SoundCloud: More More More Christmas Heresies*

# Bonus Episode. *A False Year's Bonus. Spider Bite, Shake My Hand, An Important Story About Marriage Featuring the Boy*

**Liturgical reading:** A False Year's Bonus. Spider Bite, Shake My Hand, An Important Story About Marriage Featuring the Boy

*"Congregants gather and spit runny in your palms, because we got something you'll wanna grease up and hog down on. YEAH: a BONUS episode."*

*SoundCloud: A False Year's Bonus. Spider Bite, Shake My Hand, An Important Story About Marriage Featuring the Boy*

# 94. *Dick Dvorak Bowls a Perfect Game*

**Liturgical reading:** Dick Dvorak Bowls a Perfect Game

*"Yeah drink a brew, pop a mozz’ stick, and bowl yourself a handsome strike, you goof! This Story is about bowling and probably NOTHING else. Nope! Stop askin questions!"*

*SoundCloud: Dick Dvorak Bowls a Perfect Game*

# 95. *Little Brother*

**Liturgical reading:** Little Brother

*"Brothers come in all sizes! In the Story, the biggest brother shall be the littlest, and vice versa yeah you get it. If there’s one truth for you in today’s Story, it is this: some kids are real chunks-a shit."*

*SoundCloud: Little Brother*

# 96. *Their Unholy Spirit*

**Liturgical reading:** Their Unholy Spirit

*"You know that feeling when you hug your aunt and she whispers in your ear, “I’m proud of the way you cut hair, Eugene”? Well, this one is also about feelings! Feelings deep down! Feelings with feelings. Feelings ready to CONSUME. Ruff ruff, snort snort, congregants."*

*SoundCloud: Their Unholy Spirit*

# 97. *The Replacement*

**Liturgical reading:** The Replacement

*"Greeting cards bring joy and consolation to the grieving and joyous. Imagine a card that brings ruin. What would the card say? Do you believe the card, or deny the truth it has brought you? What will you do when you are replaced?"*

*SoundCloud: The Replacement*

# 98. *The Wandering Narrator*

**Liturgical reading:** The Wandering Narrator

*"We’re boned, congregants! Yeah, we screwed the pooch bad, chomped a big fat one, sat on a REAL stinker. Even the Story knows turmoil, Narrator and Listener alike. Dang!"*

*SoundCloud: The Wandering Narrator*

# 99. *The Dreamt City*

**Liturgical reading:** The Dreamt City

*"The places you visit in your dreams are real! The people within will find you! They will yell at you! Ohhh what did you do? Because I tell you what: you DESERVE it."*

*SoundCloud: The Dreamt City*

# 100. *It Will Last Forever*

**Liturgical reading:** It Will Last Forever

*"On this, our one-hundredth proper episode, Chalms guides us to profound questions: What were you doing in the Soviet Union between 1978 and 1984? Did you suffer for your crimes? Or is your suffering yet to come? Heh heh, atone, congregants. Atone!"*

*SoundCloud: It Will Last Forever*

# 101. *The Perfect Man*

**Psalm:** Babybotomies

**Liturgical reading:** The Perfect Man

*"Marriage consumes lives as often as it saves them. Have you been consumed by a partner, whole, so every piece of you seeks to serve the other? On the tottering seesaw of codependence, were your feet on the ground, or did you wobble in the sky, eyes focused solely on the greedy heft of your spouse? What sound will you make when you fall?"*

*SoundCloud: The Perfect Man*

# 102. *Are You Afraid of the Story?*

**Liturgical reading:** Are You Afraid of the Story?

*"Hello? Who’s there? The Church is CLOSED. Oh! Goodness! It’s just you, listener.*
*Join the clergy in the dead of night, in the empty Church, as we recount our share of spookies:*

* *Brother Reid Endures a Visitor*
* *Sister Callista Surrenders to the Parcel*
* *Pastor Andrew Interrupts Tragedy*

*Oh how we wish the congregation could join us in hot, steamy PERSON.* "
*SoundCloud: Are You Afraid of the Story?*

# 103. *Goodnight My Love*

**Liturgical reading:** Goodnight My Love

**Guest Preachers:** Marcus Parks, Jackie Zebrowski

*"When parasites fill your abdomen, take a deep breath, see your primary care provider, and ENJOY it. As a new host, try to name your new parasites with care. Welcome to the beautiful new you."*

*SoundCloud: Goodnight My Love*

# 104. *Yuck Yuck in My Mouth for a Dollar*

**Liturgical reading:** Yuck Yuck in My Mouth for a Dollar

*"Devon! What are you doing here? This is no place for you! Get out! OUT! Ohh, you rascal. Well, do what you want, because this Story will happen to YOU. Yeah. YOU. You think you like jokes but you ain’t heard jokes like THIS before. Sleep tiiiight."*

*SoundCloud: Yuck Yuck in My Mouth for a Dollar*

# 105. *I Seen Locusts Out Back*

**Liturgical reading:** I Seen Locusts Out Back

*"Hey! Yes you! Get out of the dirt and come inside; we got mourning to do. Yes, mourn a fresh one with us, mourn until you’re dry. Guests are coming, and they want to see your grief."*

*SoundCloud: I Seen Locusts Out Back*

# 106. *The Recovered Diary*

**Liturgical reading:** The Recovered Diary

*"Nothing helps time in isolation like a little woof woof, a little bark bark grr grr ruff ruff. Talking DOGS. But remember: sometimes a pet is just a friend who will watch you die. After you're gone, they might even do more than watch! Nibble nibble, crunch crunch."*

*SoundCloud: The Recovered Diary*

# 107. *Cardinal Larson in “The Night of the Historical Jesus”*

**Liturgical reading:** Cardinal Larson in “The Night of the Historical Jesus”

**Guest Preachers:** Cardinal Ed Larson

*"A talking dog found today’s guest, who delivers a Story about SPICY, oh so sweet LOVE. Cardinal Larson, you rascal, and also: you tragic lover. Listen to this high octane friggin ride, and ask yourself: are you TOUGH ENOUGH to defend your love from a scorned A-list celebrity congregant?"*

*SoundCloud: Cardinal Larson in “The Night of the Historical Jesus”*

# 108. *The First Photo of God*

**Liturgical reading:** The First Photo of God

**Guest Preachers:** Elliott Friesen

*"The separation of church and state don’t mean SHIT. Yeah, mix em up, bay-bee. Gimme some church in my state, especially in my secret government directives, ooh ooh. What would the government do with our taxes, and faith in an unseen god? Perhaps, they’d try to take a lil ol peek, heh heh."*

*SoundCloud: The First Photo of God*

# 109. *The Grief Market*

**Liturgical reading:** The Grief Market

**Guest Preachers:** Jackie Zebrowski

*"You’ll never miss no one as much as you miss CELEBRITY. CELEBRITY is how you know what it means to live. No one alive is happier than CELEBRITY—so when they die it’s a-mournin’ time, heh heh. HONK HONK, GRIEF GRIEF."*

*SoundCloud: The Grief Market*

# 110. *And America Makes Two!*

**Liturgical reading:** And America Makes Two!

*"Ameri-come one and all, to the rootinest tootinest Story this here Story mouth ever done Storied. You better bet your ASS that Tim Allen pops up in this wild hogride. That’s just what happens when you AMERICA."*

*SoundCloud: And America Makes Two!*

# 111. *Are You Afraid of the Story: Aliens. Chunk Riots, The Pee Room, Spooky Aliens!*

**Liturgical reading:** Are You Afraid of the Story: Aliens. Chunk Riots, The Pee Room, Spooky Aliens!

*"It’s late, and a sweet lil Devon had another nightmare. Sounds like it’s time for some STORY. Cuddle up, wriggle your toes, and prepare yourself for three tales with the UTMOST loose connective tissue. Talkin’ ALIENS. YES."*

*SoundCloud: Are You Afraid of the Story: Aliens. Chunk Riots, The Pee Room, Spooky Aliens!*

# 112. *Lil Sips*

**Psalm:** Lil Sips

**Liturgical reading:** Lil Sips

*"Hark! Praise! Today is Greasegiving! What a HOLY DAY. Today we learn every Truth, and witness the Greatest Story Of All Time. We honor Devon, for some reason. Also: there’s a psalm."*

*SoundCloud: Lil Sips*

# 113. *A Guided Meditation*

**Liturgical reading:** A Guided Meditation

*"Shhhh, breathe in. Breathe out. Keep breathing out. Out! OUT! I did NOT say “in.” OUT.*
*Today, we calm it down, grease it up, and relax our minds into a state of responsive, ready terror. Breathe with us—and keep them pearly winkers SHUT.*"

*SoundCloud: A Guided Meditation*

# 114. *The Book of Keith*

**Psalm:** The Dogs of Marital Success

**Liturgical reading:** The Book of Keith

**Guest Preachers:** Danny Tamberelli

*"Child transformation! Spooky, scary. Boys becoming scaly, dads becoming sad. Enjoy the first Story channeled through our scabby assistant groundskeeper, Devon."*

*SoundCloud: The Book of Keith*

# 115. *The Voluntary Heart*

**Liturgical reading:** The Voluntary Heart

*"I got an arrhythmia and it starts with an S, and ends with a TORY. YEAH. My heart beats for the STORY, thump thump. Oooh, and if you open up your ears real wide, it’ll thump in you, too, tee hee."*

*SoundCloud: The Voluntary Heart*

# 116. *Fax Cover Sheet*

**Psalm:** Chromosome Dance

**Liturgical reading:** Fax Cover Sheet

*"The Story snuck into your bedroom in the middle of the night and removed something you love. Will you notice what it took? Or will you pretend not to? It’s more comfortable to be a Story coward than a Story hero. I bet YOU could tell us allllll about that."*

*SoundCloud: Fax Cover Sheet*

# 117. *The Adventures Of Chalmsberry Grib*

**Psalm:** nine

**Liturgical reading:** The Adventures Of Chalmsberry Grib

*"Mark Twain's mummified corpse spins somewhere in a shallow grave fulla dirt n worms heh heh yeah you better BELIEVE. Chalmsberry Grib could palm Tom Sawyer like a basketball and dunk that skull until it was CHUNKS. Yeah, Chalmsberry Grib, you tricky tot, tell us: where did you come from?"*

*SoundCloud: The Adventures Of Chalmsberry Grib*

# 118. *Goodnight My Love 2*

**Liturgical reading:** Goodnight My Love 2

**Guest Preachers:** Marcus Parks, Jackie Zebrowski

*"We’ve been smelling fennel for weeks, and sure enough it’s because there’s MORE. Marcus caught the sniff, and Jackie too, you bet. Sniff along, and just see what ends up inside you, ya goof."*

*SoundCloud: Goodnight My Love 2*

# 119. *Goodnight My Love 3*

**Psalm:** Meat-a-ball

**Liturgical reading:** Goodnight My Love 3

**Guest Preachers:** Marcus Parks, Jackie Zebrowski

*"Come to my chest, sweet TOT, and suckle at my plastic feeding port. You can tell how much I love you by how calmly I wince. Shh shh shh, if that mockingbird don't sing, papa's gonna buy you some gasoline."*

*SoundCloud: Goodnight My Love 3*

# 120. *Immortal Forgotten Words*

**Psalm:** Plane Peepin’

**Liturgical reading:** Immortal Forgotten Words

*"VRRRRRRROOOOOWWW here comes the plane beep beep open wide. Let the Story be your words, your every thought. Open your mouth wide, the Story’s gonna land inside VRRRREOOOOOWWWW"*

*SoundCloud: Immortal Forgotten Words*

# 121. *It Was A Saturday ...*

**Liturgical reading:** It Was A Saturday ...

*"It Was A Saturday Morning When Arthur Kurtz Came To The Terrible Realization The Day's Obligations Were Far More Complicated Than Anticipated.*
*Here is the Story! Don’t get distracted! Not like I did at Taddy’s wedding, when the horse got loose. You see, a horse must learn every lesson with one eye then the other. Myself, I’ve always been left-eyed. Now, my uncle was right-eyed, but this was because of an incident at a barbecue with a long fork. Forks of over 5 inches in length should be classified as weapons, unless a person’s arm is so short that long utensils are not objects of violence, but convenience. I haven’t measured my arms for over a month now.*"

*SoundCloud: It Was A Saturday ...*

# Bonus Episode. *The 522 Club Clip Show!*

**Liturgical reading:** The 522 Club Clip Show!

*"The Story Must Be delayed a week, dear congregant. Shh, shhh, dry your eyes, child, for we put together a special treat to help you pass the time! Our faithful patrons selected their favorite chunks of our patreon exclusive podcast: the 522 Club. We have compiled them here for YOU. Listen down and CHUNK UP."*

*SoundCloud: The 522 Club Clip Show!*

# 122. *Goodbye Pork Pie Hat*

**Psalm:** Pigs Aren’t Real

**Liturgical reading:** Goodbye Pork Pie Hat

*"Everybody’s working for the Story. Everybody’s working despite the Story. Everybody’s working because of the Story. The Story will strip you of meaning like a business sheds insurance coverage."*

*SoundCloud: Goodbye Pork Pie Hat*

# 123. *More More More More MORE Stories*

**Psalm:** Fuck You, Purkley

**Liturgical reading:** More More More More MORE Stories

*"Remember: Purkley Katzman was ground up by a bunch of gears. It was his own dang fault for not being gear-proof. Today, we share some of Purkley’s stupid, STUPID Stories, so we might remember: he got ground up by a bunch of gears."*

*SoundCloud: More More More More MORE Stories*

# 124. *You're Gonna Touch My Hand*

**Psalm:** More We Tolerate

**Liturgical reading:** You're Gonna Touch My Hand

*"Pleasure is hiding! PEEKABOO. Ohhh you have to SEEK pleasure. Search, and be warned: you will not find IT. IT will find YOU. When the Stranger appears from the alley and removes their glove, what will be waiting to tick-tick-tickle ya? A hand can be many things, even: fear itself."*

*SoundCloud: You're Gonna Touch My Hand*

# 125. *The Age of Wind Power*

**Liturgical reading:** The Age of Wind Power

**Guest Preachers:** Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski

*"Description: Every whale sings a song, and it goes like this:*

*“Ohhh*
*Oh noooo*
*Don’t take my oiiiil”*
*But who pays attention to lyrics? If a whale sang me anything, I wouldn’t hear a word over the crackle of WHALE OIL.*"
*SoundCloud: The Age of Wind Power*

# 126. *The Soft Opening Of Maison de Dieu*

**Liturgical reading:** The Soft Opening Of Maison de Dieu

*"Today is the Feast Day of Spaghett’, slurp slurp. Don’t let the marinara of prudence stain your white linen of virtue, gabbagool. Swirl this Story upon your fork and reflect: what has God ever given you that Story could not take away?"*

*SoundCloud: The Soft Opening Of Maison de Dieu*

# 127. *Are You Afraid of The Story: Spooky Monsters. The Curse of the Frase’s Return, The Gravefinger.*

**Liturgical reading:** Are You Afraid of The Story: Spooky Monsters. The Curse of the Frase’s Return, The Gravefinger.

*"Spooky monsters keep me running—running SCARED. But Pastor Andrew, heck, he CRAVES the stuff. To keep his greasy candle a-flickerin, Sis Callis and Big BR share some SPOOKY monster Stories. Chunk down!"*

*SoundCloud: Are You Afraid of The Story: Spooky Monsters. The Curse of the Frase’s Return, The Gravefinger.*

# 128. *A Job At Cro-Croa*

**Liturgical reading:** A Job At Cro-Croa

*"Who loves a HOT Cro-Croa??? Uhhhhh how about every-dang-body? Plump on it! What is Cro-Croa’s secret ingredient??? Uhhhhh who cares? Just chug it chug it CHUGIT. Can a living corporation be sated with just one human life??? Uhhhh wuddaya think, PAL? Feed yourself into the gears!"*

*SoundCloud: A Job At Cro-Croa*

# 129. *Bad Bad Big Willy*

**Liturgical reading:** Bad Bad Big Willy

**Guest Preachers:** Chris Fairbanks

*"Birdies go tweet tweet tweet, crows go caw caw caw, and ducks go, “I will destroy you.” Never trust a bird! FEAR a bird."*

*SoundCloud: Bad Bad Big Willy*

# 130. *The Anointing*

**Liturgical reading:** The Anointing

**Guest Preachers:** Henry Zebrowski

*"Grandmas are tricky! You gotta love em, but also: fear em a bit. Learn from a grandma! Learn of devotion. Learn of guilt. Learn of the Story."*

*SoundCloud: The Anointing*

# 131. *Egon Wins The Lottery*

**Psalm:** The Most Comfortable Sectional

**Liturgical reading:** Egon Wins The Lottery

*"Egon wins the lottery. But this isn’t a fun lotto like Shirley Jackson’s—it gets serious! Slurp slurp, if you can."*

*SoundCloud: Egon Wins The Lottery*

# 132. *Wet Dog Smell*

**Liturgical reading:** Wet Dog Smell

**Guest Preachers:** Joe Pera

*"Woof ruff woof ar-oof woof woof. Ruff ruff! Ruff ruff roo roo. Grrrrrrr. Yip yip yip yip! Nnnn nnnn nnn!"*

*SoundCloud: Wet Dog Smell*

# 133. *Songs From The Devon Floor*

**Liturgical reading:** Songs From The Devon Floor

*"OK. OK we gave him a CHANCE. Yep, we let Devon in on the Story game. Don't get mad at me! GEEZ."*

*SoundCloud: Songs From The Devon Floor*

# 134. *Homesick*

**Liturgical reading:** Homesick

*"A big city is just stuffed fulla the dead. Can’t walk a corner or occupy a room no one ain’t died in before. It’s what we call “pre-war charm.”"*

*SoundCloud: Homesick*

# 135. *Doogie Reassembled*

**Psalm:** The Joke About A Noisy Dog

**Liturgical reading:** Doogie Reassembled

*"How many living people do you equal? When they gather, what do they say about you? Do they miss you? Where did you go? Have they noticed you’re gone? The Story answers: none, no, no, nowhere, no."*

*SoundCloud: Doogie Reassembled*

# 136. *Stalkers*

**Psalm:** A Box of Family

**Liturgical reading:** Stalkers

*"Knock knock.*
*Who’s there?*
*The Story.*
*The Story who?*
*The Story Must Be Told.*"

*SoundCloud: Stalkers*

# Bonus. *Psalms of the Congregation*

**Liturgical reading:** Psalms of the Congregation

*"THE PSALMS*

* *A Psalm from the book of Grandmas Gone Gone - by Crodyman*
* *A lil sip from the mug of gar-fi-eld to the congregation - Kristofferson De*
* *Passing - Greslo*
* *You Can Always Trust a Taurus - Jacob Rook*
* *My Pen Pal Liturgical Director Carl - Foxy*
* *Sarabeth Went Fishing - ghastlygrapher*
* *The Crowning of JoBo REDUX - Jarrod*
* *The Juice Cleanse - Rachel Weinberg*
* *I am BUGS - Choirboy RBT*"

*SoundCloud: Psalms of the Congregation*

# 137. *Bearer of Light*

**Liturgical reading:** Bearer of Light

*"Who will you meet in the mystery woods? Uh oh, maybe someone niiiiice. But can you trust anyone you meet in the mystery woods? Don’t ask me, CHURT."*

*SoundCloud: Bearer of Light*

# 138. *The Sublimation Of Petsmart*

**Psalm:** How Much is That Doggy with the Masters Degree?

**Liturgical reading:** The Sublimation Of Petsmart

**Guest Preachers:** Amber Nelson

*"Meow meow, bark bark, tweet tweet, sublimate sublimate. We all become ONE in the PetSmart. We all become ONE in LOVE, even if it hurts! And it WILL."*

*SoundCloud: The Sublimation Of Petsmart*

# 139. *Hard To Be A Mother*

**Liturgical reading:** Hard To Be A Mother

*"A mother can be anything. A frog. A bunch of rocks. Devon, apparently. But the one thing a mother can’t be? FREE from the STORY. Look look, uh oh it’s coming for youuuu."*

*SoundCloud: Hard To Be A Mother*

# 140. *Young Robert!*

**Liturgical reading:** Young Robert!

*"Ohhh Young Robert. Oh! Young Robert! Everyone LOVES Young Robert. He’s sailing for America! He encounters DANGER. But who IS Young Robert? One thing for sure: he’s young!"*

*SoundCloud: Young Robert!*

# 141. *It Was A Sunday...*

**Liturgical reading:** It Was A Sunday...

*"It Was A Saturday Morning When Arthur Kurtz Came To The Terrible Realization The Day's Obligations Were Far More Complicated Than Anticipated. Pay attention to this STORY and DON’T get DISTRACTED, like you would while holding the hand of the Archduke’s son while the world’s coal-tossing competition progressed a mere thirteen feet away. The Archduke of course demanded a close view, given his failing eyesight, but also his failing sense of smell and taste. He ate meals for hours, and never once had a drink, afraid to wash away the paste before he could enjoy the flavor. Now, his son mind you is a hemophiliac, and as such has taken to a life of precaution. His mother held his hand on long walks, while crossing the trolleyways, and eventually, while he slept and bathed. While she is on vacation, I’ve been charged to take her stead, given my similar height and smooth pristine hands. “Not a scar!” the Archduke declared upon inspection weeks prior. “Not a mole not a freckle!” Now, coal-tossing is a sport with an ancient, but complicated lineage…"*

*SoundCloud: It Was A Sunday...*

# 142. *The Brain, The Body*

**Liturgical reading:** The Brain, The Body

*"Suck in your gut. Pucker up your lips! Hock, pull, and reLEASE Good: you just spat out your own brain, ya dumb dumb. Get it outta there! Your brain can’t make you happy, and four out of five bodies agree. P’too!"*

*SoundCloud: The Brain, The Body*

# 143. *Self-Portrait*

**Liturgical reading:** Self-Portrait

*"Try to draw a picture of your own face. Do you know where all the pieces belong? If you forgot what you looked like, you’d never be able to recreate it."*

*SoundCloud: Self-Portrait*

# 144. *The Perfect Route*

**Liturgical reading:** The Perfect Route

*"Sorry I’m late, turns out TRAFFIC. Ughhh traffic always gets in the way, especially of car, and most especially: truck. What can we do about traffic? Lots! But I’ll tell you what: it won’t stop the suffering."*

*SoundCloud: The Perfect Route*

# . *Are You Afraid of the Story: BUGS*

**Liturgical reading:** Are You Afraid of the Story: BUGS

*"Beep beep! Honk honk! I’m a BUG. RNNNNNNGG RNG RNG RNGG, look out! A Big Bug Is Coming. Oh, even the clergy has a STORY or TWO about BUG. Don’t believe me? Oh, just TRY listening to a tale or three from:*

* *DEVON*
* *BROTHER REID*
* *And even: PASTOR ANDREW*

*I’ll be back in two weeks with more Story, but not if you show me ‘ttude like this. Nuh UH.*"
*SoundCloud: Are You Afraid of the Story: BUGS*

# BONUS. *Best of the 522 Club*

**Liturgical reading:** Best of the 522 Club

*"Beep beep! Honk honk! I’m a SAMPLER PLATTER—of the 522 Club! That’s right, Chet, we’re giving you a LIL sip of a LOT of patreon exclusive content, cha cha cha. Including:*

* *WHO WANTS IT with SISTER CALLISTA*
* *PA and DEVON chat JAR JAR YEAH JAR JAR*
* *Aaaaand you even get to hear DEACON ADAM discuss books with BR and PA!*

*We got a spicy one coming in two weeks and thank ye for your patience.*"
*SoundCloud: Best of the 522 Club*

# 146. *The Great Flood*

**Liturgical reading:** The Great Flood

*"Drip drip, get slippery. Splat splat, get WET. Water’s comin’, and it’s gonna SOAK ya, bub. Down to the BONE. Unless you don’t believe in the shivers, then in that case: there’s no water at ALL."*

*SoundCloud: The Great Flood*

# 147. *Undoing Nocturnal*

**Liturgical reading:** Undoing Nocturnal

*"Hoo hoo, says the owl. Then the owl says, boo hoo hoo. Avian tears are a delicacy, and even geniuses will spend their grant money to ensure ornithological agony. Sorry birds! Mice gotta chew, cats gotta scratch, and humans gotta CRUEL."*

*SoundCloud: Undoing Nocturnal*

# 148. *The 6th Annual Intergalactic God Congress*

**Liturgical reading:** The 6th Annual Intergalactic God Congress

*"This TUESDAY TUESDAY TUESDAY, Gods will come from near and far to DUKE IT OUT. Which God has what it takes? Ohhhh take a listen, and hear how your personal God fares in the 6th Annual Intergalactic God Congress!"*

*SoundCloud: The 6th Annual Intergalactic God Congress*

# 149. *Warmth and Dissolution*

**Liturgical reading:** Warmth and Dissolution

**Guest Preachers:** Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski

*"In their masses, human beings amplify emotion until the smallest sensations become shared, tangible links. But we are floating alone in the void and cannot remember touch. Recall human contact and become confused!"*

*SoundCloud: Warmth and Dissolution*

# 150. *The Inevitability of Death*

**Liturgical reading:** The Inevitability of Death

*"Lay down in the dirt and take a lil nap called DEATH. Yep! The Story is here to tell you: ain’t no one gonna stay alive forever except a few jellyfish. Accept your demise and send your memories to hell, uh huh."*

*SoundCloud: The Inevitability of Death*

# 151. *Two Testicles in the Indiana Clay*

**Liturgical reading:** Two Testicles in the Indiana Clay

*"Meiosis is the process by which cells cut themselves in half to make halfling children wriggling alone in the dark incomplete forever. A farming accident is the process by which Sal lost his danglin’ nuts. Learn how the two are CONNECTED."*

*SoundCloud: Two Testicles in the Indiana Clay*

# 152. *The Anxiolytic*

**Liturgical reading:** The Anxiolytic

*"Are you n-n-n-nervous? Does it prevent you from serving our glorious economy? For SHAME! Remember this one truth: all mental health is secondary to the will of the oligarchs, ok????"*

*SoundCloud: The Anxiolytic*

# 153. *I'm A Bustling Beehive*

**Liturgical reading:** I'm A Bustling Beehive

*"Lotions, candles, and hand sanitizers: turn me into these when I die. I gotta BASK in seasonal scents, and if you give me a sales event? Ohhh you can digest me in your mechanical colon for a WEEK, dear overlord. Become a part of the loving corporate body!"*

*SoundCloud: I'm A Bustling Beehive*

# 154. *Howard*

**Liturgical reading:** Howard

*"You are the life of your elders. They go to bed thinking about you. Give them a call. Share your life. Without it, they won’t have one."*

*SoundCloud: Howard*

# 155. *Peter Robot Saves Wendy's*

**Liturgical reading:** Peter Robot Saves Wendy's

*"BIG SCIENCE NEWS: scientists created the ANNOYING ROBOT beep boop! Uhhh knock knock, who’s there? It’s the future of ROBOT. Look out, because an annoying robot can do what no robot could do before: manage a thriving fast food chain OK???"*

*SoundCloud: Peter Robot Saves Wendy's*

# 156. *It Was A Monday...*

**Liturgical reading:** It Was A Monday...

*"It Was A Monday Morning When Arthur Kurtz Came To The Terrible Realization He'd Lost Track Of Time, Making His Day Far More Difficult Than Expected. It is vital while listening to this Story to not get sidetracked, lost in the details, or thrown off course from your original aim. To amble, disengage focus, or, in other words, become distracted. No! Pay attention! Lest you forget the reason you began to begin with, from the beginning, until the end of where the beginning began."*

*SoundCloud: It Was A Monday...*

# 157. *An Intruder Invoked*

**Liturgical reading:** An Intruder Invoked

**Guest Preachers:** Marcus Parks

*"An Intruder has intruded upon the livestock, a malefactor produced by dining on death. Yearn for it. Search the brains for its presence, not unlike a gold panner. Yup, real gooey labor, but rewarding."*

*SoundCloud: An Intruder Invoked*

# 158. *Miss Paker’s Cats*

**Liturgical reading:** Miss Paker’s Cats

**Guest Preachers:** Julie Rosing

*"Curiosity killed no cat—it was POISON. That rotten child, that BOY did it. His face is every child’s face Miss Paker will see, as she instructs the children in the Truth of her Lord."*

*SoundCloud: Miss Paker’s Cats*

# 159. *Rakija*

**Liturgical reading:** Rakija

*"There are photos of you lost in a drawer, floating in a liminal space, waiting to be seen. You will recognize the face but not the scene, know your age but not the year. Our past is a secret; it is better to pray for loss than for revelation."*

*SoundCloud: Rakija*

# 160. *Plunk!*

**Liturgical reading:** Plunk!

*"Witness as Brother Reid and Pastor Andrew pitch their hot new film experience: Plunk! Is this their big break? Is the church done for? What does it sound like when a battery leaves a human colon? Listen to find out!"*

*SoundCloud: Plunk!*

# 161. *In Violet Light*

**Liturgical reading:** In Violet Light

*"It’s always raining here. The rain will soak you cold, but it is your task that will break you. Freedom is trapped inside the box, and it is everything outside that is a prison."*

*SoundCloud: In Violet Light*

# Bonus. *The 522 Club False Holiday Special*

**Liturgical reading:** The 522 Club False Holiday Special

*"Wowee wow wow! Is it the false holiday already? Gosh oh fuck, what a blesséd surprise! Join the clergy as we goof and gab our way through the falsest holiday of them all, with nary a commercial or six! That's right, the 522 Club has for THIS EPISODE dropped its patreon veil and is blooming in every ear far n wide OK???*
*We’ll have a buncha new episodes SOON in the new year. If you even DARE doubt me I will CUSS at you.*"

*SoundCloud: The 522 Club False Holiday Special*

# 162. *Goodnight My Love 4*

**Liturgical reading:** Goodnight My Love 4

**Guest Preachers:** Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski

*"Grandmas and Grandpas will give you a Bible and then YELL at you. Can’t trust a Grandma to buy the right Cro-Croa, can’t ask a Grandpa to turn off the TV. Ughh, but sometimes: you need ‘em."*

*SoundCloud: Goodnight My Love 4*

# 163. *Goodnight My Love 5*

**Liturgical reading:** Goodnight My Love 5

**Guest Preachers:** MJ Knefel

*"No one ever talks about what religion aliens are. Is it Protestant? I bet a lot of them are Methodists. If I met an alien, I’d ask it two questions: 1) are you receptive to internalizing shame? 2) have you heard the good word of the Story?*
*Goodnight My Love continues with TEEN SAM. Nothing wrong can happen in a Catholic school!*
*Content warning: self harm, Catholicism.*"

*SoundCloud: Goodnight My Love 5*

# 164. *Goodnight My Love 6*

**Liturgical reading:** Goodnight My Love 6

**Guest Preachers:** MJ Knefel

*"In this, the 6th and final part of Goodnight My Love, we finally say Goodnight … but to WHOM? My Love? Be honest: why are you even reading the episode description? Huh, Chester? You KNOW what the deal is. Just honk on in, ya goob!"*

*SoundCloud: Goodnight My Love 6*

# 165. *The Boy: Omega Rising*

**Liturgical reading:** The Boy: Omega Rising

*"It’s always the BOY! The BOY the BOY the BOY! Behind the curtain? The BOY! Under the floor? The BOY! Hiding inside your mouth, yanking on your tongue and poking your tonsils? THE BOY. The only thing better than HIM is a free trial of the new, very real TSMBT Silver Streaming+! It’s the future of content!"*

*SoundCloud: The Boy: Omega Rising*

# 166. *Are You Afraid of the Story: Three Wishes*

**Liturgical reading:** Are You Afraid of the Story: Three Wishes

*"Look! A shooting star! Close your eyes and make a wish. Are you doing it? Good … good. What’s that? It feels like someone is stealing your wallet? Shh shh, that’s just the wish doing its thiiing. Hush, child, and next time: remember to carry CASH, baybeeeee."*

*SoundCloud: Are You Afraid of the Story: Three Wishes*

# 167. *Cardinal Ed in Top Gunners: Mad Rich*

**Liturgical reading:** Cardinal Ed in Top Gunners: Mad Rich

**Guest Preachers:** Cardinal Ed Larson

*"WOOOOSH! Kaboom! “I gotta fly this big bird REALLY fast!” Wow, aren’t airplanes neat? Gosh, what CAN’T the military-industrial complex do? If there’s anything, I don’t wanna know. Fly a jet into my eye and pop it out my heart, so I die filled with AIRPLANE."*

*SoundCloud: Cardinal Ed in Top Gunners: Mad Rich*

# 168. *God’s Hotel*

**Liturgical reading:** God’s Hotel

**Guest Preachers:** Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski

*"Your father is watching you, and he’s SHAKING his HEAD. What did you do to deserve such a practical assessment? Did you follow your dreams? Probably! Nothing cheeses a dad like the passion of progeny."*

*SoundCloud: God’s Hotel*

# 169. *The Many Adventures of Chalmstopher Robin*

**Liturgical reading:** The Many Adventures of Chalmstopher Robin

*"Oh bother, I’m a silly old bear. It’d be a SHAME if I were to MEET MY DEMISE. I hope nothing bad happens to me and my ragtag group of interspecies friends! Nothing that could stop us from loving that BOY. Oh bother!"*

*SoundCloud: The Many Adventures of Chalmstopher Robin*

# 170. *Beneath The Compass Rose*

**Liturgical reading:** Beneath The Compass Rose

*"Some islands are SCARY—like Nantucket. Other islands will steal your very essence, halve it, and merge it with other unwitting victims—like Nantucket. THIS island? Shhhhh it’s a seeeecccreeeeettttt."*

*SoundCloud: Beneath The Compass Rose*

# 171. *Changing. Do You See?*

**Liturgical reading:** Changing. Do You See?

*"YUCK. GROSS. I don’t care how we’re related, family member! You aren’t family no more after what you did nuh UH. You’re what my family calls a hot sloppy “turd,” and I’m gonna scrape you off my boot. How did you become such a humble bootscraping? Uh, through CHANGES, bucko."*

*SoundCloud: Changing. Do You See?*

# 172. *The Fool and The Worm*

**Liturgical reading:** The Fool and The Worm

*"I’m a BIG SHOT at my job. I belong to an ELITE group of people who make work their ENTIRE identity. My testicles are made out of BRASS and I have NO outside relationships. What IS my job? Oh, I torture a big fucking worm. If I don’t do it someone else will!"*

*SoundCloud: The Fool and The Worm*

# 173. *Day for Night*

**Liturgical reading:** Day for Night

**Guest Preachers:** Betsy Winchester

*"A child suffers mute the unutterable horrors of our past. Every step forward is a descent. Trust no family or institution that worships the god of your destruction."*

*SoundCloud: Day for Night*

# 174. *The Woman for the Man*

**Liturgical reading:** The Woman for the Man

**Guest Preachers:** Betsy Winchester, Steve O’Brien, and Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski

*"Two outcasts are excluded even from apocalypse and must navigate a changed world. If there is truth to be found it is in each other. Return to where your Story began so it may now end."*

*SoundCloud: The Woman for the Man*