304: We Can Get the Cold Mustard Out of the House!

## Summary

As the party depart, Will and Batthwack are gifted some of the Desert Mothers' special weed. Everyone decides they want to tie up some loose ends before leaving town, so they make their way to the site of the Sooty Gang's hideout, but find something even more disturbing. A halfling couple now live in the house where the entrance to the hideout was, and Will uncovers evidence that children have been held hostage there.

## Synopsis

The party are just leaving when Aunt Bootie hands Will and Batthwack two small paper envelopes containing a finely ground green substance. It smells the same as what the aunts had been smoking and what Will took a drag on. *"Maybe it's a belated birthday present,"* she says looking sternly at Raphina. Mo tells both aunts that he thinks they might be gods and as such, he's a big fan. He also says that Raphina is one of the best people ever, which impresses Aunt Bootie, and she tells Raphina to look after Mo. She gives Raphina a huge hug and they all depart.

Raphina suggests that their next task should be to the locate the Captivating Coyote and arm themselves, and Rosco agrees that a detour on the way to Gully's End is acceptable. Raphina whips out her kazoo to create an image of the Coyote for them all to see. They recall that they were told he dens south of Beartoggle, but they're not quite sure precisely where to go or by what means.

It's suggested that before they leave they should try and tie up some loose ends, for example, checking out Gwen's statue for any changes. And what about the Sooty Gang Hideout? Is it still there? Is Raphina still notorious as a serial killer? Is there still an arsonistic automaton running loose around town? Are there gnomes? What state is the university in? Mo also reminds them of what Great Aunt Tootie said about Will's birthday.

On the way to the Warrens, they check out Gwen's statue, which is unchanged from the last time they saw it. Then, arriving at the same house that served as the entrance to the underground hideout for the Sooty Gang, they invite themselves in and meet the current occupants: the extremely welcoming Mildred and her somewhat stand-offish husband Dean. Batthwack makes up a story about how he saw their house in a dream, in which a staircase in the pantry led to somewhere subterranean. While Rosco tries some cold mustard (which is how Dean prefers it; Rosco likes it hot), Batthwack searches the cupboards and becomes convinced that a small chip at the back may hide something. Raphina discovers that in fact it's just an actual tortilla chip.

While everyone's distracted in the kitchen, Will searches the sitting room and is disturbed to find a small bloody shoe, one that might fit a 10-year-old child, under one of the chairs. Noting no evidence that there is a child living in the house, he makes his way upstairs and eventually discovers a small removable panel in the wall behind a dresser.

Downstairs, Rosco covers the sound of Will moving the dresser by pretending that his stomach is churning loudly from the cold mustard. He convinces the pair that he needs some hot mustard to settle his tummy, and Dean begrudgingly heads out to the back garden to gather some fire wood for the stove. In the bedroom, Will is able to open the panel without alerting the others to what he's doing and casts *Light* to illuminate a cramped space with a small shabby mattress and a metal dish on the floor.

With Dean out of the house, Mildred's attitude suddenly changes. Sounding utterly desperate, she says under her breath, *"Please, you need to help me! My husband... He's a terrible man!"* She says he kidnaps children and ransoms them for money. Thinking that it will help get to the bottom of this, Batthwack casts *Zone of Truth*, but Mildred resists the spell and begins to wonder if the group are not as helpful as they seemed at first.

Raphina leads Mildred out the front door, and calls a confused Will down the stairs. He follows them outside while Rosco and Batthwack take up positions by the back door. The door opens and Dean emerges with an armful of wood...

## Quotes

* Raphina (when Batthwack takes the envelope from Great Aunt Tootie): *"Out of the side of my mouth I say, 'Bow... BOW!'"* Batthwack: *"Batthwack bows."* Aunt Bootie: *"Oh no need to be so formal."* Raphina (still side-mouthing): *"Stop bowing! Don't bow!"* Batthwack: *"Now I just shuffle awkwardly backwards."*
* Rosco (as the party are leaving the aunts): *"Stay weird."* Adam: *"And he'll wink at them."* Great Aunt Tootie: *"You know we will."* Adam: *"Rosco didn't hear that. He turns and comes back."* Rosco: *"What did you say?"* Aunt Bootie: *"She said, 'You know we will.'"* Rosco: *"You will what? I forget what I said."* Great Aunt Tootie: *"I don't remember either."* Rosco: *"All right, well stay weird."*
* Rosco: *"So I got a question, Raphina. Why aren't they called the Desert Aunts?"* Raphina: *"Do I look like a desert?"*
* Rosco: *"Raphina, you stay by her. Batthwack, you and me stand on either side of this door. And when he comes through, you get him, and I'll watch."*

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from Alex. The party are beginning to learn the disturbing truth about the couple who's house they're in. Rosco has been complaining about the cold mustard that the husband prefers, which he tried and it didn't agree with him. The wife then says *"Please, you need to help me! My husband... He's a terrible man!"* Rosco: *"Wait, just because he likes cold mustard?"* Wife: *"That's part of it."* Adam (realising he is now fully committed to his bit about cold mustard): *"Batthwack needs to step in because Rosco's not... Somebody needs to take this seriously! I'm don't think I've going to be able to."* Batthwack: *"We can get the cold mustard out of the house!"*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: bellissimo, a superlative of the Italian word bello, meaning beautiful.

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ See episode 303: This Is Going to Feel Very Unhelpful
2. ↑ See episode 237: "YoU'vE CoNviNcEd mE"
3. ↑ See episode 270: Nothing Like a Juicy Amethyst!
4. ↑ See episode 271: Gleb
5. ↑ Will says his birthday was *"like 12 days ago. It doesn't matter, we were in the middle of the woods! It was a little bit ago."* 12 days ago was around AB5 or AB6, and the party were indeed travelling from Norton to Morrow's Inlet, and were camping in the woods by the river every night. When KT asks *"What did we do on my birthday?"* Eric says *"It was probably in around Chilchirah time."* The party visited the lizardfolk lair on AB3, so that also checks out.
6. ↑ Adam also confirms at this point that what he whispered into Will's ear when they were under the lake was *"Happy belated boithday..."* See episode 294: Come In Yoisful
7. ↑ Adam's theory is that this is what happened to the missing kid whose mother approached the group. See episode 286: Mustard Soup