269: A Triple Axel? Oh, Very Nice!

## Summary

The party arrive at the *Hands & Fingers* puppet theatre and discover that Dean Kellerman has beat them to it and already settled down for the show. When the lights go down, the puppet stage transforms into a life-size one and the audience are witness to an eye-watering display of incredible sexual gymnastics, the star of which is Gwen's old work-mate Tess! After the show, Batthwack distracts the dean while Will steals his university key.

## Synopsis

The party reach the Scarlet Market and eventually find themselves walking down an alley, the buildings leaning precariously over them, almost forming a tunnel. A smell of mildew and urine fills the air. Will wonders where he can send Sheemie off to, since Gwen and Raphina decided he should not be allowed to accompany them inside the den of iniquity that is the *Hands & Fingers* theatre. Knowing there's no use arguing with them, Will slips Sheemie 5 gold without anyone noticing and tells him to occupy himself at a nearby bar.

The group reach a small door set into the side of the alley, where a dingy old sign that says *"The Hands & Fingers Puppet Theatre"* hangs from one of its hooks, looking like it might fall off at any moment. Batthwack reaches up to try and hang it back on it's other hook, but it's not really within his reach and he accidentally pulls the whole sign off. *Batthwack, there's your new shield!"* jokes Gwen, but her expression quickly turns to shock when Batthwack stuffs it in his pack. She admonishes him for stealing, but he assures her that he won't do that and promises to tell them inside what happened.

Gwen tries the door, finding it's locked. She wonders for a moment of it's still too early, but then tries knocking on the door. A slit in the door opens and a pair of eyes peers out. *"You got a ticket?"* says a gruff voice from within. Raphina says they have free drink coupons and this seems acceptable. They each slide a coupon through the slit and the door is swept open to reveal a small, cramped, colourful room, buzzing with activity as the people in here talk with hushed, energised voices. There's no sign of any children in the crowd, which seems to entirely made up of adults of varying ages. The group are each handed a cup with an umbrella poking out of it as they make their way in, and note that everyone else also has a similar cup. Cushions crowd the floor, most of which are occupied. Will moans at the prospect of sitting on the floor. Someone picks their way through the crowd handing out drinks.

Feeling uncharacteristically paranoid, Raphina tells everyone not to drink their drinks until she's cast *Detect Poison and Disease*. She puts a yew leaf up her nose, mutters the spell's verbal component quietly under her breath and when the spell is complete, the leaf turns red and rockets out, and reveals that no poisons are present within 30 feet. Will is very grateful to know this, but doesn't touch his drink anyway. Batthwack, Gwen and Raphina all try it, though Raphina gets a little confused and tries the drink it through the umbrella. When Will points this out to her, Raphina asks everyone for their umbrellas so she can take them for her bug museum. The drink seems to be a very strong, freshly-squeezed lemonade.

The room is packed, but they do manage to find space to sit, even Will, who is slightly suspicious of how clean the cushions are. At the front of the room, a small puppet stage with little curtains sits in an opening in a raised wall. On the puppet stage is a miniature representation of the Grand Staircase. They can now see a halfling sitting on a stool by the door, reading. They guess he's the one who let them in. They also spot the hulking figure of Dean Kellerman perched a few cushions away, looking intently at the stage. The party note that he's wearing his scholarly robes and has his key on a chain around his neck. Gwen and Raphina excitedly go over to say hi, while Batthwack nudges Will and under his breath suggests they should try and take the key. The dean nervously and uncomfortably explains he's here having received a free coupon and was hoping to speak to some of the performers after the show to see if they can help establish the new exotic dancing course at the university. Raphina suggests that Gwen, with her background in exotic dancing, might be able to help him identify any good candidates.

Gwen asks the dean about the key around his neck, and he says it's the key to the university. *"Would I be able to borrow it for a little bit?"* she says hopefully. He doesn't sound quite sure about this, but eventually agrees that potentially that might be ok, once they'd helped him get everything at the university back in good working order. Will nudges Batthwack, who quietly suggests casting *Zone of Truth* and does so while carefully keeping Will out of its area of effect, for contractual reasons of course. The dean manages to resist the effects of the spell and is somewhat startled, but fortunately at just this moment, the lanterns in the theatre begin to dim by some magical means. The show is about the start.

A spotlight suddenly illuminates the miniature Grand Staircase on the puppet stage and a voice speaking telepathically in their heads announces *"Let the Grand Staircase Footrace begin!"* Raphina claps wildly and others in the audience join in. Batthwack looks around, wondering if anyone might be slightly appalled as the insensitivity of depicting the epicentre of Beartoggle's recent tragedy. Puppets enter the scene and a very skilful and captivating rendition of people racing up the staircase is performed. The realism is such that everyone forgets they're watching puppets. One of the puppet racers reaches the top of the stairs and begins to celebrate, the sound of cheering being telepathically broadcast to the audience. Then suddenly, the staircase and the stage collapse slowly forwards towards the audience, who have to scurry backwards to make room, forcing everyone closer together. Lights come up and now revealed behind the puppet stage is a full-size stage with seven performers on it: three men and four women. The men are all halflings. Two of the women are human halflings and there's an ibish halfling and a dwarf. The group are very surprised and excited to immediately recognise the dwarven performer as Tess! They also notice that the ibish performer has faint remainders of circles around her eyes, reminiscent of the black rings that they've seen on Sooty Gang members.

These seven performers immediately commence an extremely explicit, intricate, impressive and lengthy performance lasting around 40-45 minutes. The performance is utterly captivating and unlike anything that any of the group have ever witnessed, even Will. Gwen is taking mental notes and is utterly thrilled to see that Tess really is the star of this extremely adult show. When it finally concludes, the stage rises up again revealing the puppet stage and the house lanterns light up.

The room is hot and very sweaty and Will can't bear it any more. He heads immediately for the door and finds it locked. Meanwhile Gwen tells a flummoxed and speechless dean that Tess is the one he needs to hire. *"I used to work at the Roladexaroonie with her. I taught her some of the things that she knows... some of those things up there, I didn't teach her,"* she says. The dean seems generally agreeable with this, but is really struggling to concentrate and says he has to go.

The halfling at the door, who's been reading his book the while time, apologies and unlocks the door for Will. Will's apparently got keys on the brain and the thought flits across his mind to steal this one, but manages to control the urge. The air outside isn't necessarily much clearer, but it is cooler. The dean also gets up to leave and Batthwack follows him. Outside, the dean chats to Will and seems much more resolved now, saying that this exotic dancing is definitely going to be the university's new discipline. At the mention of Tess and the possibility of her becoming a new professor though, he loses his thread again and says he has to go. Batthwack subtley gestures to the dean's key and after Will *Messages* him, he positions himself so that he and Will flank him.

Will starts up a conversation about payment structures and income and says *"Batthwack, why don't you tell them about when we were over in front of the university."* Batthwack mentions how Gwen's twerking got the student they met really interested in the new classes. Desperately thinking of better distractions, Batthwack takes the *Hands & Fingers* sign out of his pack and shows it to the dean. He tries to hand it to him and pretends to fumble it right into his arms. At the same time, Will carefully unclasps the dean's key chain from behind his neck, and he catches it with *Mage Hand* to stop it from clattering to the ground. Batthwack continues to ramble on about the theatre sign and whether the dean would like to put it up at the university. The dean politely, but confusedly, explains he's not really interested in that, so Batthwack asks him to help hang the sign back up. While they're busy with this, Will quickly slips the key off it's substantial silver metal chain, pockets it and casts *Creation* to produce a facsimile of the key, which he slips back onto the chain. He then drops it at the dean's feet where it might have fallen.

Batthwack is completely failing to get the sign back up while the dean patiently holds it for him, when Will feigns surprise, saying *"Look! It's your necklace!"* The dean looks down. *"Oh! My university key! How would I get back in to the university without my key?"* *"Yeah that wouldn't be good. Pick it up or somebody might steal it, haha, you know,"* says Will jovially. The dean takes the sign from Batthwack and is able to reach up and reattach sign, and then he hangs his key chain back over his neck. He tells them to bring Tess to the university before saying goodbye and heading off down the alley.

Back inside, the audience are slowly filtering out. Gwen and Raphina see the performers appear through a little door by the puppet stage, the last of which is Tess.

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from Abby. The party are treated (?) to a 45-minute long exotic dance sex-tacular, the erotic and fantastic details of which Eric leaves up to the players' and listeners' imaginations. Denise says *"Gwen's sitting here like, 'I've never seen this. Oh my god, I gotta take notes! Diagrams!'"* Abby imagines what this might sound like, *"A triple axel? Oh, very nice!"*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: imposing.

## References

1. ↑ See episode 164: A Star Trek-Themed Campaign
2. ↑ See episode 178: It's a Good Thing Raphina Is a Notary
3. ↑ See episode 267: Mo’s Riding Steed on the Lake in My Dreams