Mario Party: The Top 100 3DS review

Ola everyone! This blog has a tendency to die every now and then, only to get revived a few years later. But today we're doing a review of a Mario game, as per usual and tradition at this point. Today's review is another fucking Mario Party because the game series is on a massive decline; bigger than The Fairly Oddparents and Spongebob Squarepants.

   This new game is now called "The Top 100". The Top 100 what? If anything, this game wouldn't make the Top 100 Mario games list if one were to exist. Actually have there been 100 Mario games already? I'm too lazy to do some research, so someone be my guardian angel and do the dirty deed for me and then come back with a ranking of exactly 100 Mario games where this one specifically is excluded.

Oh great, Nintendo thought it would be a good idea to revive the series by introducing us to minigames that actually made the series successful in the first place. So little did I know that this game did exactly as advertised: include 100 minigames at the bare minimum and lazily add no content at all.

   Wait, there's a board, but it's plainer than this fucking salad: no carrots, no cucumbers, and most of all, no tomatoes. Fuck that! Can't eat that shit. So this is pretty much a soulless recollection of minigames. But hey, at least you can play as Daisy in a Mario Party 1 minigame!

   This also includes, but is not limited to adding 100 minigames based on what Nintendo thought were the best games. So expect tons of shitty luck based games, cause those were clearly better than Fun Run from Mario Party 7 or just about any other minigame that is enjoyable.

    I should also note that not every minigame is unlockable from the start, and considering that this game advertises the Top 100 minigames, you'd at least expect everything to be unlockable from the start, unlike the other Mario Parties. So this game actually goes out its way to make you play an unenjoyable and boring solo mode just to unlock minigames. Enjoy 30 minutes of gameplay until you get bored and absolutely robbed from this turd. Also is it just me, or does that layout give anyone a migraine?

    So apparently Star Rush was successful for being an experiment. This game continues that high school project, but doesn't pick up on it for the better, as there are no improvements on it. Do people buy video games for the entertainment, or to see a bunch of 50 year olds craft up a fucking middle school experiment for a video game?

    In this game, everyone moves at the same time, so you don't get to see CPUs move on their own. And as per usual, whoever gets the most stars wins. Unlike the Hudson Soft games, they don't take skill to earn them and it's the roll of the die like everything ND Cube does. So expect RNG and a bunch of unlucky stuff.

    Most of the minigames are split unevenly as well. This game seems to have a boner for Mario Party 5, despite it being the most mediocre of the Hudson Soft games. I just thought of something right now! If the earlier games were developed by another developer.................. does that mean ND Cube is ripping them off? They can't just steal another company's content without permission, even if they went bankrupt. Therefore, this game shouldn't exist because it's plagiarized and Hudson Soft should sue from the grave cause ND Cube stole their game content! It would be funny if ND Cube actually does go bankrupt from this.

    So the one board this game has is a boring generic board that's somehow more boring than the movie Rango, and the game's content is even more barebones than a 2,000 year old mummy skeleton. Literally who's idea was it that that movie should get a sequel? It's almost as bad as Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs getting a sequel... oh wait!

    If you're still here, it means you still haven't sold your game yet, what with all these movie analogies and whatnot. So now let's dive into the solo mode. Also known as Minigame Island, it's the mode where you unlock the other 45 minigames. The objective is to win, and if you end up in last place, you lose a life. To do that, you have to be an idiot, unless you play a luck-based minigame where it's understandable. Never mind, last place losers are idiots regardless of skill!

    The ending is also pointless as you aren't rewarded or anything. Bowser just approves you and that's about it. What the fuck? Isn't Bowser suppose to be Mario's rival? So why is he congratulating him? That's the same equivalent of Mitt Romney congratulating Barack Obama during his second term unironically.

And now you can go and sell this game for $90 because I don't expect anyone to keep it gather dust in their household. There's not much to talk about other than the fact that there's no content. But I'm sure this review took care of that and cleaned the dust of those 2,000 year old skeletons this game had cause no one else is bothered to do an honest review. I give this game a -10/10 for laziness and all that dusty, moldy stuff.