Fake TPOT 38: A Ruff Estimate

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.

"**A Ruff Estimate**" is the non-canon thirty-eighth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 15 July 1986. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known by many names.

Author's note: This episode is basically a direct sequel of the previous episode, which was also filmed in February 1986. This is mainly because episode 37 was getting too long, yet there were so many unsolved plot points that I felt a gap of 100 days would be too long to find a solution. So in terms of timing, this episode is more like "30a/30b" than "31/32". *However*, the opening was filmed a few months later, after "High Anxiety" was released.

Description if this were on YouTube:

As the hit movie goes, we're going "back to the past". Wait, maybe it was called something else. Oh well, we kind of have to do that anyway: a big mistake has been made here, for which we solemnly apologize, as well as a few other things we have to get off our chests so often. No matter, though, because in this episode, we get to see what happens right after the last one of... THE POWER OF TWOOOOOO!

Previous episode: "High Anxiety"

Next episode: "Designing Objects"

## Flashforward

### **Poorly-lit room**

**Scene****Two** sits on a throne in a poorly-lit room that looks like it's striving for grayscale-esque, but not too much, much like a number of music videos made around this time. They smile wide at the camera while holding a cue card, and pretty blatantly, too. A voice sounds from off-camera, which could only belong to Five.
* **Five**: Psst, we're on air.
* **Two**: Oh. [*to the viewers*] Greetings, dear viewers. I think it's time we talk about something important.
* **Five**: You go, ber!
* **Two**: Recently, we've received a couple of letters telling us that the contestant Snowball, who used to be seen in cardinals' garb, is offensive, in particular to Catholics. We want to let you all know that this phase of Snowball's robement is no more and that he is not representative of that faith or practisers thereof, even though he is leading a much holier life than he did but a few years ago. Yet look not at him, dear viewers, well, look not at him indeed, for there are many who have competed on this programme who show signs of devotion to charity and the welfare of others, a quality that is held in high esteem in the Catholic religion!

[*As they say this, Two shows pictures on their futuristic touchscreen device of some of the contestants they think are of this religion, namely Lightning, Basketball and Pen.*]

* **Five**: I hate to interrupt your literal virtue signalling, but...
* **Two**: What is it, Five?
* **Five**: Pen's not Catholic.
* **Two**: What?
* **Five**: He's Jewish, Two. Don't you remember him talking about sitting shiva?
* **Two**: I assumed that was a Hindu thing.
* **Five**: This is why you shouldn't assume that all Earth religions are the same.
* **Two**: [*mocking them*] Aahooihooihooihooihooi. Anyway, we just wanted to apologize on behalf of Snowball, who we believe would excuse himself in a language none of your generation can understand. And now that that's taken care of, I hope you all enjoy watching... *The*—
* **Five**: Wait, Two, isn't there something else you wanted to talk about?
* **Two**: Oh yeah!

[*Two gets up from their throne.*]

* **Two**: We've also received some letters asking us why Taggy was up for elimination, even though they did terribly well on their landing. For Gogma's sake, they landed on an Alpine chalet in the middle of the Swiss winter! It's the perfect holiday destination in these increasingly arid days; why should they be up for elimination?

[*Two walks over to a scoreboard somehow mounted in mid-air in this poorly-lit room.*]

* **Two**: This is our brand-new scoreboard. We can't change the episode because it's already been shot, but what we can change are the scores, like this! Now kindly remember that this is what the scoreboard would have looked like in the last episode when the numbers were all up in the great unknown, as some of you might say. But if I do this—

[*Two claps twice, changing Price Tag's position on the board, thus placing them in third place instead of fourteenth, and changing the positions of nearly everyone else.*]

* **Two**: That's much better now, isn't it? But as you can see here... [*points at the date on the board*] It's the 28th of May. As I said earlier, the episode and the competition have already been filmed. So if you want to know what the board actually looks like right now, then you'd better stick around and join us in the thirty-eighth episode of... *The Power of TwoOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*Just like in the olden days, Two triggers the beginning of the intro by simply saying their name. While the visuals remain the same as in the past episode, the audio is a little different: the "Gibberish!!" melody is back, played on high-pitched percussion instruments, and a trumpet plays an alternate melody as counterpoint. The new song—"Bells"— sounds like this.*]

## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**Directly after the events of the previous episode. The contestants enter the hotel late at night and talk amongst one another about the skydiving challenge. They are about to go upstairs.
* **Two**: Alright, contestants, get a good night's sleep!

[*Exeunt all the contestants. Manent Two and Five.*]

* **Five**: You know someone's going to complain.
* **Two**: About the fact that there's a Cake at Stake tomorrow and they know nothing about it?
* **Five**: Not only that, but... it seems they've all forgotten that their rooms have been deemed uninhabitable. I chose not to remind them a second time.
* **Two**: *Meeeeean.*
* **Five**: Well, I just wanted to let one out before we remake ourselves into the ideologically-unbiased hosts that we're striving to be.
* **Two**: That's right, you told that counsellor!

[*A knock on the door can be heard coming from upstairs—it's one of the contestants, who can't get into their room.*]

* **Five**: And here come the shouts in five... four... three... two...
* **Contestants**: *Twoooo!*
* **Two**: Be right back.

### **Stairwell**

**Scene**The contestants stand outside their rooms in the hallway, just as they had done exactly one act ago. Enter **Two**, who has acquired a nightcap for no explained reason.
* **Two**: What's all the hubbub, people?
* **Li****y**: We can't enter our rooms.
* **Two**: But don't you remember what we told you yesterday when you all came here?

[*Silence.*]

* **Two**: Okay, you can all sleep in the hallway and I won't treat you as objects that need to be budged.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: But that's a fire hazard, Two! You have no idea what a panic would ensue if we lie down in such a confined space for over an hour and a fire passionately breaks out, sending the entire hotel building into a frenzy!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Clock, don't worry, Match isn't going with anybody right now.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I think it would be much better if we all slept outside.
* **Two**: No, it wouldn't. Good night!

[*Exit* **Two**, *waving as the contestants begin to talk all at once.*]

* **Winner**: Does anyone know how to open doors? I'm thinking of someone strong.

[*Everyone stands back as they look at Snowball, who has been idling in the back of the hotel.*]

* **Snowball**: Ods bodkins!
* **Winner**: Hey, Snowball, could you please try to punch the door open for us?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I don't think he can. He's a holy man now, not a barbaric macaque.
* **Snowball**: But thou art in error, for my faith giveth me my strength.
* **Co****i****ny**: You hear that, guys? Faith gives Snowball his strength!
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: I knew it all along.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, that's as good a saying as ever. Okay, Snowball, think of something that makes you angry.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Like bossy-bot Golf Ball.

[*Golf Ball looks at Tennis Ball.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It's an informal title.
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, I am aware of that.
* **Snowball**: But ye are once again in error, for I channel my wrath no longer through the use of force! I should rather use prayer so that mine anger cease.
* **P****i****n**: Ooh, then think of a door that you want to punch a hole through!
* **Snowball**: Wherefore?
* **P****i****n**: Uh...
* **Co****i****ny**: Because we said so! [*The other contestants nod.*]
* **Snowball**: Yea, Alexander the Puny. *Praise the Lord!*

[*With an invocation to the Almighty, Snowball punches a very large hole in the door to his bedroom and former team room, that of Namely Ties. Everyone pogs.*]

* **P****i****n**: Ooh, that was good.
* **Co****i****ny**: Bravo, my good man.
* **Golf Ball**: I cannot believe I am thanking you, Snowball.
* **P****i****n**: Can you put a hole in our door too, please, SB?

[*Without saying a word, Snowball selflessly stomps up to the former team room of the old Squishy Bunch.*]

* **Snowball**: In the name of *faith!*

[*Snowball punches a similar-sized hole through the team door.*]

* **Snowball**: [*calling from upstairs*] Now may ye all ingress.

[*The Squishy Bunch all go upstairs.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wow, Snowball.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I suppose we've mistaken you.
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah, thanks, man!
* **Snowball**: I wish a blessed night to ye!

[*Snowball goes back downstairs, where the former Namely Ties are entering their team room. This leaves* **Pencil**, **Pen** *and* **Umtaya** *out in the corridor. The latter walks around in circles, not knowing which room to go to.*]

* **P****en**: Aw, I don't want to leave you, Pencil! Will you be okay?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, sure, I can sleep very well by myself.
* **P****en**: Okeydoke.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Normally takes me a little while to get used to it, like the night after we FEXITers got here, but let me tell you: those first milliseconds are the bloody *worst*.
* **P****en**: Gee, that sounds awful. [*holds her hand*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*looks away for a second*] Ah, what the heck! You're sleeping with me tonight!
* **P****en**: Oh boy, I can't wait!

[*Pencil leans in and Pen kisses her on the cheek.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: [*who has been in the background*] Nice show you're putting on.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?
* **P****en**: Hiya! Nice to see you out here!
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Here's the only place I can be at the moment. Don't know where to go, since I wasn't there when y'all were doing teams.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh... er...
* **P****en**: Why don't you stay in my room tonight? [*points upstairs*] My treat.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Really? I mean, I've never spent the night away from *total luxury* of the *Filing Cabinet* in years... [*looks down*] Mm-mm, they can't hear me. Anyway, if I want what that kid Marker calls the *hyggest* experience, then... I might as well do that.
* **P****en**: Yeah, go ahead!
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Thanks!

[*Exit* **Umtaya**, *who skips upstairs.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Giving your bed away for a literal stranger to sleep in? [*slyly*] You naughty boy.
* **P****en**: How's that naughty?
* **P****e****nci****l**: When I was on that island, I'd never let anyone take my sleeping space. It just means you're nice, babe.
* **P****en**: [*taking her hand*] Come on, Penc, let's give your teammates a big surprise!
* **P****e****nci****l**: They ain't my teammates, I barely even know them!

[*They laugh and enter the room together.*]

### **Room on the top floor**

**Scene**For lack of a better word, as not everyone sleeping in this room was a member of The Squishy Bunch. We see the room where half of the cast has found themselves: Five was right—the room is so full of tape that it's nearly impossible to find the furniture on first glance (although one can certainly feel it under all those layers of tape).
* **P****i****n**: *Trời ơi‎!*
* **Co****i****ny**: Look at our room!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I know, it looks like...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Like a tape monster threw up over our sleeping quarters.
* **Li****y**: That's one way of putting it.
* **Co****i****ny**: Come on, former team, we ought to get some shut-eye.
* **Li****y**: [*sigh*] Coiny's right. Time to turn off the light.

[*Liy presses her own switch, which somehow turns off the light in the room. The screen goes dark, but you can still make out the silhouettes of the contestants from the hallway light.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Whoa, how'd you do that?
* **Li****y**: A lightswitch magician never reveals her secrets.

[*Re-enter* **Umtaya**. *She flops down on Pen's bed, ready to sleep.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: There you are, Schreiber.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: I'm not him.
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But speaking of, Tree...
* **T****r****e****e**: I'll do it later. [*yawns*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, don't forget to apologize to him, like you told us you would.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah... sure... I'll just get the kid something before Cake at Stake...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Good night, Tree.

[*Tree snores loudly. Black Hole rolls his* *eyes**.*]

* **P****i****n**: Sleep on, friends!

[*Fade to black.*]

## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Day 2 of the act. It is early morning, as the sun rises over the Second Hotel (which is still covered in tape). Enter **Two**, holding several percussion instruments. They smile at the camera.
* **Two**: [*nemini loquitur*] I bought these in a music shop.

[*Enter* **Five**.]

* **Five**: Ooh, if you're waking them up, may I join you?
* **Two**: Yes, of course! I may be uber-powerful, but I'm still trying to master playing more than one instrument at once.
* **Five**: I call the wood block!
* **Two**: Why?
* **Five**: Because there's no chance a lazy contestant *would block* out this noise. Eh?

[*Two doesn't react to this bad joke.*]

* **Five**: I'll just, um, hit it. [*takes the block*]
* **Two**: As you should.

[*Two and Five bang on the instruments and stamp their feet to get the contestants' attention.*]

### **Room on the top floor**

**Scene****Coiny**, **Liy**, **Pin**, **Remote** and **Umtaya** get up, startled, while **Black Hole** and **Tree** are already up. The latter aggressively tears through the tape as if looking for something under the mess.
* **Two**: [*from outside*] ***WAKEY-WAKEY, CAKE AT STAKEY!***
* **Co****i****ny**: [*startled*] ***I'm awake!***
* **P****i****n**: And so am I!
* **Co****i****ny**: We got up together!
* **Two**: ***WAKEY-WAKEY, CAKE AT STAKEY!***

[*Tree covers his* *ears**.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Uggggh, it's that fricking number again.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You've clearly been awake longer than most of us, so I don't see why you should whinge about it. What are you looking for, anyway?
* **T****r****e****e**: I need something to give to Pen. If I don't make him happy sooner, I will hate myself and he'll guilt me for the rest of my life.
* **Li****y**: I know how you feel, Leigh. [*pats his back*] Hell, why do you think I joined this pact?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hey, Tree, why don't you get him a piece of glass to look at himself with?
* **T****r****e****e**: No, it has to be something he doesn't own.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I mean, you don't need to give him anything material. A quick, heartwood-felt apology should be enough, provided he's willing to have a serious, intellectual conversation with you.

[*Beat. Liy, Tree and Remote start laughing.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What, what's so funny?
* **T****r****e****e**: Nothing.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Everything.

### **Room on the bottom floor**

**Scene**With Price Tag in Switzerland, only **Snowball**, **Winner** and **Pencil** are getting up. **Pen** lies in the same bed as the latter, and **Clock**, **Golf Ball** and **Tennis Ball** are awake.
* **Five**: ***GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE, IT IS TIME FOR CAKE AT STAKE!***
* **P****e****nci****l**: What... it's morning already?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yes, and I've been standing over the bed of both of you with a whistle, waiting.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Waiting for what?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: To blow it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's- that's an half-arched attempt at sarcasm, mate.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: It wasn't sarcasm, I just—

[*Pen yawns and stretches his arms.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Omg, isn't that the cutest thing you've ever seen? [*She gives him a kiss on the cheek and he quickly gets up.*]
* **P****en**: I'm up, whoa, baby!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Morning, handsome.
* **P****en**: Oh, Penc... you're lookin' beautiful as ever. [*finger-guns her, winking*]
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Oh, brother.

[*Clock steps away to join Tennis Ball and Golf Ball at the breakfast table.*]

* **P****en**: Gee, I think I had just 'bout the worst dream ever.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You too?
* **P****en**: Yes, and it felt so real, as a matter of fact. You should have been there.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, I know. But now that I should wake up in this world, you'll be there every time, right next to me, and my nightmare of losing you forever will disappear, as it should be 'cos you're never leaving me.
* **P****en**: I love you, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And I love you too.

[*They kiss.*]

* **Golf Ball**: [*in the background*] Blech!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*to Pen*] So what exactly did you dream of last night?
* **P****en**: I turned fifty and lost all my looks. It was like… [*claps*] *bam! Brutto!*

[*Pencil hits him with a pillow.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: You'll get used to it!
* **Winner**: Hey, maybe we should go down; Two and Five sound like they're desperate to start Cake at Stake.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: In a minute, Winner.
* **Winner**: You're truly willing to disobey our hosts, eh?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: It's either that or disobey a balanced breakfast.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: This is the most important meal of the day.
* **Golf Ball**: No one should skip breakfast if he wants to be successful in life!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I see. You're eating very slowly.
* **Golf Ball**: So? If anything, you are eating very quickly.

[*Silence.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Oh.

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** are still playing their instruments to get their contestants to come down.
* **Five**: Why aren't they coming down yet?
* **Two**: Because they're lazy. Lazy, lazy objects.
* **Five**: That's not in line with our new hostly standards.
* **Two**: I mean, because... because... [*to the tune of William Tell Overture*] ♫ Because! Because! Because! ♫

[*Just like at the end of the last contest, all the contestants leave the hotel at the same time. They chatter with one another as they come into contact with Five and a singing Two.*]

* **Two**: Ah, you're here!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yes, you called for us and we came.
* **Two**: It's especially good that you're here, Clock, because you were up for elimination!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Along with Tree, Taggy, Tennis Ball and Umtaya.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: That's me, in case y'all didn't know.
* **Two**: Upstairs you go for Cake at Stake!
* **P****i****n**: So you wanted us to meet you downstairs, and now you want us to go up for Cake at Stake?
* **Li****y**: That's a lot of work!
* **Five**: Don't worry, they'll simplify it for all of you.
* **Li****y**: Oh? How so?
* **Two**: ***Up!***

[*Two claps twice, levitating all the contestants to the hotel roof like in episode 1.*]

* **Five**: [*talking to no one*] Like that... [*realizing that they're the only one on the ground*] *Hey, Two, can you...*
* **Two**: Shoosh, yeah!

[*Two begins to levitate Five from the ground.*]

* **Five**: I feel like a ballet dancer.

### **Cake at Stake place**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** have gathered the contestants for Cake at Stake.
* **Two**: In the last episode, we introduced a secret scoring system that put the top two thirds of you at an advantage and the bottom third at a disadvantage.
* **Co****i****ny**: That sounds suspiciously like BFDI.
* **Five**: We put them up for elimination faster than the A&I puts up Christmas decorations in November.
* **Two**: Yesterday, we told the voters to vote for somebody to be *eliminated*, not saved. Today we're having a double elimination, so only three of you will be safe. That's what you get after you subtract that ber... [*points at themselves*] from *this* ber. [*points at Five*]
* **Five**: If you happen to be one of the three people called safe, you'll get these calculators!
* **Two**: All the votes are in; we've got [*number*]. The first person safe is—

[*Golf Ball interrupts.*]

* **Golf Ball**: But wait a minute, Two! How can you hold a Cake at Stake one day after you announce the elimination?
* **Two**: Well, you know how it's February, right?
* **Golf Ball**: Obviously I can see that, but I don't see how that's—
* **Two**: These votes are from after the release of the previous episode, an event that I should expect to happen one fine day in the month of March.
* **Golf Ball**: But March hasn't happened yet, and we can't get votes from the future. It is totally incompatible with the timeline!
* **Two**: Have you forgotten who I am, and the thing you're all battling for?
* **Co****i****ny**: Voter manipulation?
* **Two**: No! I thought you knew that time-bending is one of the seldom-used powers of me, *Two!*

[*Silence, followed by soni exspectati.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, that makes sense. You do do a lot of things.
* **Two**: And you know what else I do? This!

[*Two's hands outstretch, grabbing* **Price Tag** *and sending them to their Cake at Stake platform. They are wearing traditional Swiss clothing as the lovely sounds of an instrumental* Volksmusik *tune can be heard.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: *Grüezi, grüezi miteinander!*
* **Two**: Wait, what the Gogma is going on?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I spent a night abroad and I already feel like a true Switzerlandian. It was bulk ace, you should all try it!

[*Beat, as Two gives them a dirty look.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I'll be quiet now.
* **Two**: You should, but only if you're not cheering.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Why?
* **Two**: Because you received the fewest votes, at [*number*]!

[*Five throws a calculator at Price Tag. It hits them in the face.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Haha, you missed! Get it? Because *Mist* is German for...
* **Winner**: Oh, I know, Taggy. I lived in Berlin before the Wall came up.

[*Suddenly, text appears at the bottom of the screen saying: "All votes for Price Tag have been cancelled and nullified due to a mishap in the previous episode." The contestants do not see this.*]

* **Two**: Tennis Ball, you're also safe.

[*Five throws a calculator at Tennis Ball.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oof. [*looks at the calculator*] Two, my calculator only has the digit *2* on it.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: So does mine!
* **Two**: Yes, they're pretty useful, aren't they?

[*Spotlight effect on Clock, Tree and Umtaya.*]

* **Two**: Umtaya...
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Gasp!
* **Two**: You know how most people tend to vote out the newcomers early on.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: I know, I'm out of the game. One episode here and they decide to go for the revolving door.
* **Two**: Actually, no. You're safe!

[*Five throws a calculator at Umtaya.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*shocked*] But that means...
* **Two**: [*elated*] *Yes, that means...*
* **Five**: Clock, you and Tree, you're both—
* **Two**: ***ELIMINATED!*** Yahoooooooo!

[*Two uses their powers to make balloons rain down from the sky. No one else looks amused.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Two, you clearly forget that I'm supposed to leave as well.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*from the audience*] Uh-oh.
* **Two**: But the main thing is that Clock is eliminated! I've been waiting for this for the better part of thirteen *years!* Now, I haven't killed anybody, but I should so love to sneeze out a recovery cylinder right now! Whoopee! [*does a cartwheel*]
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Wait, can I say something?
* **Two**: Nope!

[*Two zaps* **Clock** *into the Filing Cabinet.*]

* **P****i****n**: This is getting a little out of zap.

[*Two turns towards Tree.*]

* **Two**: [*ominously*] With [*number*] votes, you're next.
* **T****r****e****e**: Two, wait!
* **Two**: What?
* **T****r****e****e**: I'd like to have a chat with someone about something, please.
* **Two**: Then prattle away!
* **T****r****e****e**: I would prefer to do this in private.
* **Two**: Oh, alright. I mean, you've never wronged me the way Clock has, so go for it.
* **Five**: We'll all be downstairs so you can to talk to whomever you need. Contestants?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*going down*] Farewell, Tree.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Call us when you get there.

[*The contestants go downstairs. Tree grabs Pen by his arm.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Hey, I think you'd like to stick around for this.
* **P****en**: For sure. See ya downstairs, Penc!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*going down*] Right back at you!

[*Tree and Pen* *sit down on the empty Cake at Stake platforms. Huc teleportat* **Two**, *which makes Pen jump.*]

* **Two**: If you two fight up here, I'll eliminate you both.
* **T****r****e****e**: Don't worry, he'll be good.

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **P****en**: So, what d'you want to talk about?
* **T****r****e****e**: It's about the last challenge. Listen, Pen. I'm sorry about the whole plane thing.
* **P****en**: I thought it was so fun! Penc and I landed on the roof of this nice lady's house, so you basically had us win the challenge for ourselves. You're real smart, man. [*slaps his back*]
* **T****r****e****e**: It's just... when I saw you and Pencil, you know, being all happy and romantic and sweet together yesterday, I was so happy for you. It's not often that a Canadian stallion like you finally settles down with someone as mad—I mean, as passionate—as you.
* **P****en**: Thanks. I think that's a real nice thing to say.
* **T****r****e****e**: I shouldn't have thrown you out of a moving aircraft at 3,000 metres. No one should do that to the people they love.
* **P****en**: Are you talking about our pact or Pencil?
* **T****r****e****e**: Not just us. Pen... [*holds both of his hands*] While you were dead during the break, B.H., Remote and I went to Toronto to visit your family when they were sitting shiva for you.

[*Pen's eyes light up.*]

* **P****en**: You did? That's *awesome!* [*Beat.*] I mean... not for them, since I was dead... but—
* **T****r****e****e**: You're really loved, Schreiber. I suppose I was just a little jealous of you for a moment then, me with my [*number*] votes from people who've got horrendous taste.
* **P****en**: Don't look at it that way, Tree, you're absolutely loved! You have Gregg to go to, eh? Doesn't matter if you're not really there to be with him, 'cause I know he's always thinkin' of ya. [*finger-guns him*] Boy, who wouldn't when you're such a cool fella, y'know that?

[*Tree smiles a bit.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Wow. My final moments out in the sun and you finally say something intelligent. /j
* **P****en**: Eh, I'm just happy you're happy. [*nudges him*] What d'ya say, big guy, one last hug for the road?
* **T****r****e****e**: Sure.
* **P****en**: Mates for life!
* **T****r****e****e**: Nothing more.

[*Embrace. Tree looks up a little and notices a kind of difference in the way Pen's holding him. He smiles wistfully.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Nothing more...

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: Are you done now?
* **T****r****e****e**: Yes. Can you zap me now? This is the longest goodbye I've sat through in the last week or so.
* **Two**: Okay!
* **T****r****e****e**: [*to Pen*] Don't cry now!
* **P****en**: I'll be strong.

[*Two zaps* **Tree** *into the Filing Cabinet as Pen waves him goodbye.*]

* **P****en**: I don't cry a lot, Two, do I?

[*Two shakes their head slowly.*]

## Post–Cake at Stake

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene****Five**, **Two** (who dances like Squidward did in that SpongeBob episode, and yes, that includes twerking) and the final 15 contestants (minus Pen) have all gone down to the lobby as a happy synthpop song plays. A festive but also bittersweet mood is in the air as some of them celebrate the fact that the contestants who hold that they are the authoritarian powers that be are no longer present.
* **Five**: Hey, Two, you're still dancing?
* **Two**: Gogma yeah! I'm just so happy that the contestants who hold that they are the authoritarian powers that be are no longer present!
* **Five**: Oh. Well, I was wondering if you'd let me prepare for the contest today.
* **Two**: Sure, but right now, just be a slave to the rhythm!
* **Five**: Okay!

[*Two and Five dance.* *Meanwhile, near the hotel restaurant,* **Match** *is sleeping on a table. Pencil stands by, awkwardly. She checks her wrist almost instinctively, despite never having worn a watch in decades. Enter* **Liy**.]

* **Li****y**: Hey, Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hi, Exix.
* **Li****y**: Still waiting for Match to get up?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, Liy, I'm guarding her in case someone steals her jewellery. /s
* **Ma****tch**: [*in her sleep*] Humumumumumumu. Humumumumumumu.
* **Li****y**: Looks like she's either getting up or getting down, if you know what I mean.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Liy!
* **Li****y**: What, I can't hear you over this totally rad music! /j

[*Exit* **Liy**, *dancing. Match gets up.*]

* **Ma****tch**: O... Omg...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Match, you're awake!
* **Ma****tch**: Like, yeah. [*looks around*] Is this a dance party?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, Clock and Tree have been eliminated.
* **Ma****tch**: And I wasn't invited?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, they were trying to respect the fact that you wake up unnaturally late.
* **Ma****tch**: It's 10 in the morning. It's *waaaaaaaaaaay* too early. Like *waaaaaaay* too early. *Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa*—

[*Enter* **Two**, *still dancing.*]

* **Two**: Hi, guys!
* **Ma****tch**: We're *girls*. Anyway, like, Two, I wanted to talk to, like you.
* **Two**: Okay.
* **Ma****tch**: Please, like, excuse, like, us, Pencil. This is important.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right-o, I'll just find someone else to dance with who's got the rare quality of being taller than me.

[*Exit* **Pencil**.]

* **Two**: So what's so important?
* **Five**: We're ready, Two!
* **Two**: Okay, Five! [*to Match*] Hold on, whoever you are. BRB!
* **Ma****tch**: CYL!
* **Five**: 123!

[*Exeunt omnes, but manent Match and Two, who enters a closet in the lobby.*]

## Pre-contest

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**The contestants stand close together as **Five** tries to break the silence that doesn't seem to exist.
* **Five**: Yooooooo!

[*Silence.*]

* **Five**: Who wants to play a game?
* **Li****y**: Is this part of our contestant-mandated challenge?
* **Five**: Er... no.
* **Li****y**: Well, I am a bit curious about what someone like you has in mind.
* **Five**: What's that supposed to mean?

[*As, Liy and Five argue incomprehensibly, enter* **Pen**, *quietly for once. Pencil waves at him.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Hey, love!
* **P****en**: Hi. [*holds her hand*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're missing the argument between Liy and our co-host; it's lame to the *max*.
* **P****en**: I bet it is, heh.

[*Pencil looks at him.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Have you been crying?
* **P****en**: No, I haven't!
* **P****e****nci****l**: So yes.

[*Pen nods.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Aw, why?
* **P****en**: Well, it's 'cause Tree's gone. You know he said sorry for throwing me off the plane yesterday.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*unimpressed*] Ah. Well, you still look good.
* **P****en**: Oh, Pencil, you're the best. Even with one of my best buds gone, I'm so lucky to have someone like you in my life.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Like, same, yo.

[*They kiss. Golf Ball rolls her eyes in the background. All of a sudden, enter* **Two**, *pushing the same scoreboard from earlier in the episode out of the hotel. At the bottom of the screen appears this text: "The scores have not been updated to match the current reckoning."*]

* **Two**: Huff... huff... huff... [*stops*] Done!
* **Winner**: Hey, Two, what is that?
* **P****i****n**: It looks like a scoreboard.
* **Two**: That's because it is a scoreboard.
* **Most of the contestants**: Ooooh!
* **Snowball**: [*out of sync*] ***OOOOOOOOH!***

[*Pause, as everyone looks back at Snowball.*]

* **Two**: In today's Cake at Stake, I mentioned that Five and I secretly gave you all points, in a system similar to that used in our series' first season. Well, we're doing the same here, in *The Power of Two*.
* **P****i****n**: Wow, this is so exciting; I've never made it into the points stage of the game!
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Neither have I!
* **Winner**: Um... Two? I have a question.
* **Two**: Fire away!
* **Winner**: How exactly did you calculate the votes on the board?
* **Two**: Funny you should ask, Winner, because that's exactly what the challenge is!
* **Five**: In the thirty-eighth challenge of the game, you must correctly state the method used by us hosts to determine the number of points you currently have.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: But that sounds impossible! All I see are numbers, and without currency symbols at that!
* **Snowball**: With faith are all things possible, O Betokener of Cheap.

[*Price Tag looks at Snowball, confused.*]

* **Two**: I should normally hate to agree with a contestant, but Snowball is actually correct. With faith, all things are possible. So let Faith come!

[*Two claps twice, causing pieces of paper to fall out of the sky.*]

* **Two**: I want all of you to record on these sheets of paper what you think our methods were. The more components you get right in your explanation, the more points we shall give you. For each correct term you write down, you will receive 5 points. For each correct number, you get 2 points.
* **Golf Ball**: That is very understandable, but what does that have to do with faith?
* **Five**: The company that supplies us with the paper is named *Faith*.
* **Golf Ball**: Oh. I was not expecting that answer.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It's funny!
* **Two**: Aaaaaaaaaand... g—wait. I've got a few matters to attend to in the lobby. Five, do you mind object-sitting—I mean, overwatching—I mean, *watching over* the contestants while I handle this?
* **Five**: No, I don't mind.
* **Two**: Thank you! So contestants... *go!*

## Contest

[*The contestants start working on their calculations as Five reclines in a sunlounger (lawn-chair).*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I think we should better start the contest. I don't want to come in last place and get voted off.
* **P****en**: Why worry? We can just get the answers from someone else. And nobody's going to vote you off! [*deep voice*] They'll have to get past me first. [*raises his fists*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ohh, you can talk like that all day.
* **P****en**: [*normal voice*] But seriously, love, Taggy said it's impossible to calculate, 'cause there's nothing but numbers on the board. At least I think they're numbers. Anyway, they studied math at uni, so I trust 'em.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Baby, you'd trust any old object on the Clapham omnibus. I suppose you're right, though. But if we do go about this the wrong way, I'll do nothing but call you *Nachash*. Like in the Garden of Eden.

[*Pen smirks at his being compared to a snake.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: You cheeky rogue, you're supposed to hate that!

[*She playfully elbows his barrel. Meanwhile,* **Remote** *and* **Black Hole** *are diligently working on their calculations separately while talking to each other.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Black Hole, how are you going to do this contest?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What do you mean?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You have no arms with which to write.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh. Well, I can always have you write what I'm going to say, as soon as I think of something.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't write. I print.

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene****Match** is busy dancing around the hotel.
* **Ma****tch**: Tra-la-la, troo-loo-loo, tree-lee-lee!

[*Enter* **Two**.]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, Two, you're, like, here!
* **Two**: I could say the same thing about you.
* **Ma****tch**: Thankies!
* **Two**: So what do you want, stranger? Look at me addressing you while I don't even know your name.
* **Ma****tch**: My name? It's, um, Exix.
* **Two**: [*pointing to Liy outside*] Two *Exix*'s in the show and you hardly resemble each other.
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, well, my mother is, like, not creative. She just sits in her garden and poos.
* **Two**: Okay.
* **Ma****tch**: Anyway, I think I'd better, like, clarify why there's been tape in front of this hotel buildingication.
* **Two**: Yes, we've been wondering that.
* **Ma****tch**: *We*?
* **Two**: Five and I. He's my co-host. [*smiles proudly*]

[*Match looks indifferent.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Anyway, like, *again-uh*, the reason the hotel is covered in tape is because... Oh, I don't know how to say this, like, lightly. You're getting kicked out of this building in a few days.
* **Two**: What? That is preposterous! I don't take orders from you, not because you're an object, but because you are not the Equation Playground's High Commissioner, you are not my superior.
* **Ma****tch**: But I am pretty, right?
* **Two**: ***You have no right to kick us out!***
* **Ma****tch**: *I have a letter!*
* **Two**: And I am a number. So what?

[*Match shows Two their eviction notice. It is written in crayon. Two takes the paper and scoffs at it.*]

* **Two**: This looks faker than my grandber's serif implants.
* **Ma****tch**: Oh, it's, like, legit, all right.
* **Two**: Why are you so persistent to make us leave? Aren't two of my contestants—the people who *live* here—*your* best friend and *your* brother?
* **Ma****tch**: Yes, they are. But this is not about them. It's about you. Don't you, like, know that I was promised to close this place down?
* **Two**: What? Tell me more!
* **Ma****tch**: I'll never say.

[*Match pretends to zip her lips and throw away the key, a gesture first used by Bok in a previous episode.*]

* **Two**: Then I'll just sit here and stare at you.
* **Ma****tch**: I do love the attention, like, so.
* **Two**: Then I shall sit and stare in the other direction.

[*Two turns around and stares at the camera.*]

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**The contestants are still working on their explanations. **Winner** walks around while **Five** is still sat in their chair, reading the newspaper.
* **Winner**: Five minutes have now passed and still no contestant has finished. Who will be the first to make it?

[*Winner approaches Golf Ball and Tennis Ball and observes their work.*]

* **Winner**: Hmm...
* **Golf Ball**: What are you doing here, Winner?
* **Winner**: Clock told me when he was still here that I should take over his rôle in case he got eliminated first.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Your rôle? You mean, being slightly demanding?
* **Winner**: No, I mean, keeping this place in check. He always tells me this famous quote: *"Bez menya ves' mir pogruzitsya v khaos!"*
* **Golf Ball**: And what does that mean?
* **Winner**: "Without me, the entire world will descend into chaos!"
* **Golf Ball**: That sounds strangely familiar.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Yeah, it's a you quote, GB.

[*Golf Ball holds up her Faith sheet.*]

* **Golf Ball**: You should know that we are done now.
* **Winner**: With the challenge?
* **Golf Ball**: [*confidently*] Yes!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I think we are the first to get it.
* **Winner**: Alright, that's good. I'll take your papers then, and hand them over for Five... who is sitting on that sunlounger over there.

[*Exit* **Winner** *with their papers. At the same time, enter* **Pen** *and* **Pencil**.]

* **P****en**: Hi, gang.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Hello.
* **P****en**: Sounds like you're both finished with your test things, eh?
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, we have. In fact, we are the first to have done so.
* **P****en**: That's so interesting, isn't it, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sure. So if you're done, 's that mean you can do our work for us?
* **Golf Ball**: Fat chance.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Fat?
* **Golf Ball**: You will get no answer from us! I know your little game of cheating, and I knew it very well since you left us in BFDIA.
* **P****en**: I was never in BFDIA!
* **Golf Ball**: I was speaking to that one.

[*Dramatic sting as Golf Ball darts her eyes at Pencil*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Golf Ball, that was, like, twenty years ago.
* **Golf Ball**: And I still seethe about it every night.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: She likes to hold a grudge.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside, to Pen.*] Bitter much?
* **P****en**: O-kay... how 'bout you, TB?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I'd give you the answers, but that would violate my academic honesty policy!
* **Golf Ball**: He had it since before even you were born.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Damn.
* **P****en**: Thanks, anyway!

[*Exeunt* **Pencil** *and* **Pen**.]

* **Golf Ball**: How terrible it is that the youth of today are unable to do their own work and have to rely on their elders to give them all the answers.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It's just a one-off event, and one involving the ex-popular kids at that. [*View of the other contestants working.*] You look at these contestants, and the majority of them are in fact hard workers who know the importance of pushing their minds to the limit. I doubt we'll be visited again today.

[**Liy** *suddenly appears.*]

* **Li****y**: Hey, balls, can I copy your work?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Ah!

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene****Match** and **Two** are still sitting in silence at the table. The latter, of course, is staring at the camera as Match looks on, bored.
* **Ma****tch**: I'm getting some, like, milk. I have no idea where it comes from, like, but I'm still thirsty!
* **Two**: No, wait, you still have to tell me! What do you mean when you said you were promised to close this place down?

[*Match raises her arms and waves them around, not wanting to coöperate. Enter* **Five**, *confused.*]

* **Two**: This is not a game, Second Exix, I demand to know!
* **Ma****tch**: I'll never tell you. Can I see your, like, manager?
* **Five**: Wow, you really are a Match.
* **Ma****tch**: Ò! [*Beat.*] Fine, I'll, like, talk.
* **Two**: Good.

[*Match sits down.*]

* **Five**: What's going on?
* **Two**: We're apparently getting kicked out.
* **Five**: I *knew* when I saw the tape that something smelled fouler than Hate's Old People Hard perfume!
* **Ma****tch**: See? *He's* smart! [*Beat.*] But if you really want to know, I'll, like, tell you.

[*So begins a flashback narrated by Match.*]

* **Ma****tch**: So it was, like, last summer, when all you peoples left for the E-Playground, like. Lost and for-, like, lorn, I was all alone because no one, like, not even my fellow, like, FEXITers, wanted to stay with poor little me.
* **Two**: I can see why.
* **Ma****tch**: [*shushes them*] Hush. It's okay. Anyway, I was, like, totally bored out of my mind 'cause I'd been here for, like, a whole month and I wanted to have some fun, so I went to town.
* **Five**: But the nearest town is off the horizon!
* **Ma****tch**: I have legs, you know. So I, like, went to the city and I chatted up this guy, and he was, like, *smoking*.

[*We see in the flashback that Match is on a date with a man in a business suit,* **Ignis Netbottle**.]

* **Ma****tch**: Like, literally. After all, he is a can of hairspray, and those can be, like, super flammable, but that's never stopped me from knocking his boots off! Anyways, I took him to my place, which of course is, like, the hotel that everyone knows and loves, and when we were under the table, he looked up and he, like, stopped everything, and—

[*Reality.*]

* **Two**: Wait a minute, what were you two doing under the table?
* **Five**: Counting wads of gum, Two. /s
* **Ma****tch**: Right.

[*Flashback.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Like, Ignis, he was really interested, 'cause he can be, like, a nerd at times. But a hot nerd, if those, like, exist. I asked him why he stopped, and he said he saw the sign on the restaurant ceiling. It said, "This building was erected on July 16th, 1975". And, omg, like, when all this happened, it was July 16th, like, *1985*. Ten years later!
* **Five**: We know.
* **Two**: Five times me is ten.
* **Ma****tch**: Mm-hmm. So he, like, looked into his big book of, like, laws and stuff of this settlement, and guess what he found?
* **Five**: Let me guess: a *law*.
* **Ma****tch**: It said...

[*Reality. Match unfolds a napkin and reads from it.*]

* **Ma****tch**: "Any building erected by a non-national of this settlement or the main Republic to which it is appended may remain standing for ten years, after which the period the building must be vacated to make way for hordes of rolls of undone tape, flying saucers or itinerant labour." I still get splinters at how *spicy* that sounds, like, gr-rowr.
* **Five**: Oy.
* **Ma****tch**: I didn't really care much, 'cause, like, I can easily find a place to stay; I've done it before. But this made me realize: you peoples have got to go!
* **Two**: They can't do that!
* **Five**: Oh yes, they can. It says so on the serviette! That's as official as it gets.
* **Two**: Where is this Ignis? I should like to give him a piece of my mind!
* **Ma****tch**: I don't see him, like, any more. No, he got boring. But he will turn up again this February.
* **Two**: But it's February right now!
* **Ma****tch**: Then you'd better, like, hurry up. If you peoples don't follow his, like, regula-, like, tions, he could have you kicked out himself. And I would *love* to see a scene of unrestrained, like, manliness.

[*Two and Five gasp.*]

* **Two**: Wow... I suppose we're really moving out.
* **Five**: I'll miss this place.
* **Two**: Shall I go outside to ring the bad news?
* **Five**: In a minute. I need to end this contest.
* **Two**: Okay. Laters.
* **Five**: Bye.

[*Exit* **Five**, *rather bummed out.*]

* **Two**: So your mother, all she does is... sit and poo?
* **Ma****tch**: It's just an expression we FEXITers have. [*whispers*] We were around *Dora*.
* **Two**: No comment.

[*Silence.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Can I be a contestant here?
* **Two**: No, it is against the rules.

[*Two magics up their (updated) book of game rules and waves it in Match's face.*]

* **Two**: BWAAAAAA!

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Most contestants are still working on their papers. Enter **Five**.
* **Five**: Alright, everyone, you have a minute left and we're calling it a day.
* **Co****i****ny**: Okay, we're almost done!
* **P****i****n**: We were working together.
* **Five**: Good for you. Fifty-five seconds!
* **P****en**: Oh no, Penc! I didn't write anything down yet!
* **P****e****nci****l**: P'raps we shouldn't have gone round asking confused people to help us.
* **P****en**: Y'know what? I'll just write my name. [*scribbles his signature on the paper*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why would Two *or* Five want your signature?
* **P****en**: 'Cause I miss signing autographs. And I think our hosts would like one from me, eh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: God, no.
* **Five**: Don't forget! You'll only lose points in this challenge if you leave your sheet blank, so write down something, anything!
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Kay, you write down your name, I'll just jot something that sounds vaguely mathematical. I'm not using myself 'cos I want you to focus instead of looking at me.
* **P****en**: Thank you for that, Pencil, that's real kind.

[*Five makes a buzzer sound, causing everyone to jump.*]

* **Five**: Time's up!

## Post-contest

* **Five**: Turn in your papers!

[*They rest of the contestants do so and Five reads each of them.*]

* **Five**: Uh-huh... uh-huh... *whoa!* Uh... huh?

[*Five attempts to stare and smile at the camera.*]

* **Five**: Ugh, I can't rock the camera smile-stare the way Two does! [*Aloud.*] Your work has all been graded for correctness. Before we let the scoreboard change, I'd like to point out that Tennis Ball and Golf Ball are the winners. They answered the question most clearly and correctly!
* **Golf Ball**: And we didn't even collaborate!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: How about that?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yep, the balls have got no flies on them.
* **Five**: See? This is what a good mathematical explanation looks like.

[*Five shows the crowd Golf Ball's paper—the others don't look the least bit interested, although Remote steps up, curious.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Do you like what you are seeing?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But I gave exactly the same answer as you. What the heck, Five?
* **Five**: You gave the same answer, yes, Remote, but in a way I could not understand. I had to use 5 out of the 25 layers of my mental dictionary to decipher what you wrote down, and for that confusion, you lost 25 points.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Thank you, Five. Not.
* **Five**: I mean, why use punctuation marks that are so far removed from the mathematical canon?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I used a programming language instead of the typical math symbols.
* **Five**: Oh. You're thinking futuristic, aren't you? Next, let me show you who the loser is: Snowball. In a few seconds, his points will fall faster than the stock market this January!
* **Co****i****ny**: Really, SB? How'd you *lose* points?
* **Snowball**: Hum...
* **Co****i****ny**: Did you write anything down, man?
* **Snowball**: Nay; dash I out but a thing if I, in that which I have breved, know mine own mind. I take no more venture presently.
* **Li****y**: OMP, all I drew was a flower. I bet even I scored better than you did, Snowball!
* **P****en**: And I signed my name!
* **Five**: Well, SB, and everyone else actually, I would say it doesn't matter much now because your scores are changing in five... five... five...
* **Golf Ball**: Actually, I would say that it matters greatly.
* **Five**: Look!

[*Five points at the scoreboard, and just like that, everyone's scores and rankings change. Everyone talks at once.*]

* **Five**: Guys? Guys? Guys?

[*Enter* **Two**.]

* **Two**: Do they like their new scores?
* **Five**: I can't tell; they're all talking.
* **Two**: Exactly when I want to make the announcement.
* **Five**: You go do that. Maybe you can get them all to pay attention.
* **Two**: ***Quiiiiii-eeeeeeeet!***

[*All go silent.*]

* **Two**: Thank you. I now have an announcement for all of you and it's rather important.

[*All look at Two, somewhat concerned. Match can be seen through the window of the lobby. She raises her eyebrows.*]

* **Two**: Oh, I can't say it right now! Voting screen, please!
* **Five**: Alright!

### **Voting screen**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** stand in front of the voting screen, with the pictures of Pencil, Winner, Pen, Liy and Snowball behind them. The words "Vote to eliminate!" are written in large letters to remind the viewers of the new voting format.
* **Two**: Voters, subscribers and everyone else out there: Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you *do* want to be eliminated from the battle for *The Power of Two!* The person with the most votes will leave the show!
* **Co****i****ny**: [*off-screen*] Now that sounds like BFDI!
* **Two**: Hey! This is my moment, yeah?

[*Roll credits.*]

## Stinger

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Right before midnight. After the events of the previous night, all the contestants would rather sleep outside than in their tape-filled rooms. Most of them are about to doze off in their sleeping bags.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Hey, Golf Ball?
* **Golf Ball**: Yes?
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: How did you make your guess in the challenge today?
* **Golf Ball**: By being intelligent.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: No, I mean, what was your method?
* **Golf Ball**: I simply wrote that which came to my mind. Fortunately for you, I have memorized my highest points–winning entry so that you may use it as a reference, as I trust that you will use all the information you receive during the competition in that manner.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Please excuse her, she expects a lot from strangers.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*popping out of Pen's sleeping bag*] Oi, why couldn't you tell me your answer?
* **Golf Ball**: Because you are an untrustworthy team deserter. At the moment I am still trying to figure out Umtaya's personality.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Girl, I've only been here for two days!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oh, GB, does she really need to hear this? [*to Umtaya*] Fair warning: it's a bit of a wall of text.
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, yes, I think this is important. [*clears her throat for a few seconds*]
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Golf Ball, I'm getting a little bored; you don't have to tell me now.
* **Golf Ball**: *"In the beginning!"*

[*Umtaya goes back to her bag.*]

* **Golf Ball**: [*as the camera zooms in on her*]

> "In the beginning, there were no points among the people, when suddenly everyone was allocated bonus points: twenty of them, to be exact. Next, the number of times that each person in the land was declared the most valuable player, also known as the 'MVP', of each challenge from episode 1 to 36, were added up. This value was multiplied by five divided by two, otherwise known as two and five tenths, and the following value was added to the previous total thus far. Next, the competition record of each person in the land was added, which in itself was determined via the process of..."
>
>

[*Golf Ball directs her gaze and sees that everyone is asleep.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Huh. Everyone is sleeping. Just like in my last sixth-period class. How rude!

[*Golf Ball lies down awkwardly in her sleeping bag. Just as she is about to close her eyes, huc teleportat* **Two** *to announce that it is midnight. Everyone jolts at this announcement.*]

* **Two**: ***IT'S MOVING DAAAAAY!***
* **Everyone else**: Ò!

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

**Two**: Anyway, I thought Pen was of the Marioian people, and all Marioian people are Catholic, yes?
**Five**: [*misunderstanding*] No, Māori people can be any religion.

* Winner was going to throw a pillow at Pencil and Pen. One of them would react surprised because Winner's just so nice.
* When Price Tag made their sudden entrance during Cake at Stake, they were going to yodel the traditional Swiss song "Mein Vater isch en Appenzeller", This was cut for time, unfortunately. Liy would be said this afterwards:

**Li****y**: It's nice to know there's another yodeller among us.
**P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*since they're a time traveller*] Among us?

* I was so out of it that I didn't realize I wrote the lyrics to the *Victorious* theme song in this scene I'd slightly modify later:

**P****en**: Oh. Always thought you weren't into me any more.
**T****r****e****e**: You're right, I'm not. I just wish I could do the same.
**P****en**: But you can! You've got Gregg, eh?
**T****r****e****e**: True, but he's not here on the show with me; the spotlight terrifies him to no end. And the fact that I'll be sent to the Filing Cabinet any minute now doesn't make it better; I can't even think of the next time I'll see him again. Oh, Pen, maybe I am afraid. I keep saying I won't let my feelings take me in control like they so frequently do with you, yet here I am.
**P****en**: Tree, you don't have to be afraid to put your dream in action. You'll never be afraid, you'll be the main attraction.

* A main point of the episode was that Tree was going to give Pen his very personal diary of thoughts he had when he thought they were in a relationship. Pen would read it in private, Pencil would find out and she'd be shocked when she saw some of the things Tree fantasized about doing to him. This would lead to Pen explaining to Pencil that he'd become more adventurous (to put it mildly) since 1969, and they'd both agree to add a little more spice to their relationship. I changed the whole scene because it's obviously too raunchy for a PG-ish work that doesn't even use the "S" word, although the word "ruff" (referring to Tree being an aggro old sport) remains in the title.
* It's best to show, not tell. This dialogue was a bit of filler that was deleted:

**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: The mood's happy, but I'm sure not feeling it.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah. Without Tree, who will deliver the snarky quips?
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Not just that, but this unofficial alliance now has three members, four, if you count the guy who spends most of his time with Pencil now.
[*They both spot Umtaya getting some water. They look at each other as if asking who should make the first move. After a few seconds, Remote steps up.*]
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Hello, Umtaya.
**U****m****t****a****ya**: Oh, hi! I never knew you all had parties whenever someone gets eliminated!
**R****e****m****ot****e**: We don't; Clock is just really hated by our host.
**U****m****t****a****ya**: Ah.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Anyway, we wanted to know if you were interested in joining our alliance.
**U****m****t****a****ya**: Yeah, the death people.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: [*correcting her*] Death PACT. It's a company too.
**U****m****t****a****ya**: Right.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: You don't have to join if you don't want to.
**U****m****t****a****ya**: Oh, that's a relief. I love death!
[*Umtaya skips off gleefully as Remote goes back to Black Hole.*]
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: She loves death.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Time to expand our search.

* Match was going to say this episode's big reveal in the presence of all the other contestants. Here's the text (my draft-outlines are getting less sloppy, I think).

Since the hotel was built in 1975, the contract should have expired one year ago, but Match was able to delay the proceedings due to carnal matters. Are you saying that we can't be in this hotel building? Not unless you pay in Earth dollars OR make me a contestant. As Clock would say, that's, like, totally against the rules. Soooo not rad. We'll think it over, alright? [Aside] I need to update these rules. Wow, Match, I never knew you could be so devious. I know, but, like, now I want to join. And it looks like I'm getting my cha-ance! Two suddenly implores all the contestans I don't know, but it might be something legal! The big phosphorus-based meanie said so! Who? The guardians of the Pacific Trust Territory, Pen. [Beat.] I know my Earth geography. I'm serious, everyone, it is time to go outside and do the conetst

* Match: "Apparently, I, like, missed Pen's mourning, but it's fine, 'cause we're, like, stepsiblings anyway."
* Two was going to say "grandberber" instead of "grandber", using the new gender-neutral term for an algebralien. I think people would confuse this word with the name of an already existing ethnic group, the Berbers (Imazighen), and that also happens to be the group to which Clock, today's eliminated contestant, belongs. Oopsie!
* Golf Ball was going to go through the whole process through which the hosts calculated the points. I left it halfway because although transparency is important in such matters, I still have no idea how to put into words the "contest record" and "Cake at Stake record" bits.

## Notes

1. ↑ From newest to oldest: Any combination of the words "**a**", "**rough**" or "**coarse**" and "**estimate**", "**guesstimate**" or "**guess**" ; this was preceded by "**Moving Over**", "**Moving On**", "**Day of Moves**", "**Interligneous Joint Declaration Day**" and my first choice, "**(Nothing Changes on) Moving Day**". Most of these titles implied a plot that became a reality in TPOT *39*, not 38.
2. ↑ Golf Ball and Clock are not tied with each other. As we'll see later, their scores differ by less than one point.
3. ↑ They're still in that slightly annoying honeymoon phase.
4. ↑ **BFDIA 5a**: 8:55–8:57
5. ↑ All this time, I've forgotten to point out which writing utensil they're all using! Just like in BFDI 3, they're using pencils.
6. ↑ Due to the scoring mishap earlier, the scoreboard has been digitally retouched without affecting the placings.

**Fake TPOT** [V]