The DreitOnion

**The DreitOnion** was a satirical newspaper run by Cannonwalker on WikiCraft 3.0 that spanned three issues. This "newspaper," as the name suggests, was inspired heavily by the satirical style of *The Onion*. The three published issues covered various happenings in Dreiton (real and imagined) with humorous embellishments inspired by other events that happened both inside and outside of the server. It spanned from October 29th, 2019 to March 18th, 2020.

## Issues

### October 29, 2019

**METRO CONSTRUCTION BEGINS**

**SIDON SQUARE** - The citizens of Dreiton were shocked and awed yesterday evening, as the unsightly patch of grass and dirt pillars in the town square once constituting the "Metro exterior" has now been filled in with a somewhat more sightly cacophony of stone brick and various other building materials. The existence of a Metro construction project has been the subject of heavy rumor and legend in Dreiton since the humble empire's founding earlier this year.

The Ministry of Transportation has taken credit for this completely unexpected addition to the city's transportation needs, confirming its own existence in the process. The Metro exterior uses a bizarre combination of half a dozen different blocks to achieve an almost avant-garde appearance. When asked to explain this unusual design choice, Cannonwalker, the Minister of Transportation, had this to say:

"The Metro is meant to connect different parts of the world, so I figured we'd represent that by connecting the four different elements of our world: Diorite, Granite, Stone Slab, and Red Terracotta."

Any requests to elaborate on his previous statement were met with bumbling confusion and claims of "I don't know where I was going with that thought."

Jeremiah Garland, one of Dreiton's premier builders, had this to say upon seeing the incomplete structure: "Eh, it's fine. A bit tall though."

Samuel Darkwalker, another premier builder frequently referred to as "the Mexican Stain," had this to say: "Don't let me stop you."

When asked about the practicality of a metro, considering the Dreitonese people's prolific use of witchcraft enables them to fly anywhere they'd need to go, the Minister of Transportation promptly burst into tears and fled into the shanty hole in the wall he calls a home, locking the door behind him and shouting about how all of his efforts to improve the city's transportation have been for naught. He could not be reached for further comment.

### December ???, 2019

**CHRISTMAS SPECIAL**

**ALL ACROSS DREITON** - As the month of December paces onward, the citizens of Dreiton make preparations for the merriest time of the year. Mistletoes and garlands and decorative trees are being hung up all around the city, the choirs of the Church of Saint Tempus are singing, and the aroma of spirited holiday teas from Cafe Central permeate Sidon Square. It's that time of the year; Christmas time.

Many citizens anticipate doing their favorite Christmas traditions with family and friends, such as feasting, exchanging gifts, and hunting frightened wild animals for sport. No tradition, however, is so revered as the visit from a Certain Special Someone. This jolly man wears a suit of white and red with pride, and radiates Christmas spirit from the tips of his long white beard all the way down to his boots. Children and adults alike hang stockings by their fireplaces and leave out cookies and milk as an offering in hopes of receiving gifts from him. He only comes to Dreiton one day a year to give his presents to those who were good before leaving as quickly as he came.

All in Dreiton anticipate the yearly visit of Ned Edgewalker.

In the spirit of Christmas, the DreitOnion has gone around the city asking various residents about what they hope to receive from Ned for the holiday.

Rose Beckett, resident mailwoman and herder of parrots responded:

"I asked Ned for a pony. In a given month, I may have to perform one, maybe even two deliveries throughout the city; it's extremely time-consuming, not to mention physically and emotionally taxing. Having a pony to ride on my deliveries would be helpful."

When approached for comment, Cannonwalker, Dreiton's Minister of Transportation, came out of his hobbit hole, eyes red from crying, and had this to say:

"I can only hope Ned will give me the perseverence to finish large, ambitious projects that I begin, for the good of the city." When asked about a possible estimate of how long it would take for the metro to be complete, Cannonwalker promptly burst into tears and went back inside, slamming the door behind him.

Samuel Darkwalker, famed Dreitonese architect known to many as the "Stain of Mexico," replied thusly:

"If Ned really wants to give the people of Dreiton something nice, he can start by tearing down that eye cancer he calls a house. It's shaped like an arrow, but the only thing it points at is how Ned's parents didn't know how to use the coat hanger properly. Why does he even need a house in Dreiton anyway if he only visits once a year? I'll tear the bloody thing down myself if I must; Ned will unleash a devastating fury upon all of Dreiton if I do, but it is a risk I am willing to take." Needless to say, Sam will be getting a block of coal in his mailbox for Christmas this year.

Zoomer, famed Puncher of Cthulhus, had the following desire:

"I just want to cook in peace, is that too much to ask?" This DreitOnion correspondant respected his wishes, though did not see a single furnace in any part of Zoomer's home.

Finally, the DreitOnion traveled to the Grotto in the heart of the Occult Forest to get the comments of notorious local magician and environmental activist, Ben Holliday:

"Dreiton was once a peaceful settlement that lived in tune with nature, harmonized with it. As more people came, the city grew and the trees were cut down. The Occult Forest is the last bastion of true nature left in Dreiton; a relic of the old ways of man and mother nature living as one. My wish is that Ned see the folly of man and the sins man has committed for the sake of industrialization and return Dreiton to the trees from whence it came." When Ben was notified that Dreiton is, in fact, filled with Christmas trees, he grunted, mounted his broom and flew away.

Famed Dreitonese architect and Knight of Dreiton, Jeremiah Garland, could not be contacted for comment, as he was being whipped by Sam for making a small perceived error in a new architectural piece in New Husavik. Marc Warfury could not be contacted for comment either, as the DreitOnion was unable to properly route a path to Marc's home in "the land down under."

### March 18, 2020

**RESURGENT ZOMBIE PLAGUE DEVASTATES DREITON**

**THE DREICHSTAG** - Dreiton's Council of Eight has officially has declared that, as of tomorrow, an involuntary quarantine will be placed upon all people within Dreiton's borders. Nobody will be permitted to enter or leave the city, and everyone must remain in their own homes for the indeterminate future, save for specific, essential personnel.

The quarantine declaration comes at the heels of a resurging Zombie Plague, which has ravaged the entire continent of Aphelion and has been classified as a "pandemic" by the Dreiton Ministry of the Interior. The Zombie Plague has existed in multiple forms throughout Aquila's long history, though typically as a minor nuisance. The current strain, however, which seems to originate from the city of Corona in Northern Aphelion, is a different beast entirely:

"The symptoms of this strain are different and manifest differently from those of previous Zombie Plague strains" says Emmanuel Drodd, also known as "Manny," Dreiton's resident expert alchemist. Manny has been studying the Zombie Plague for many years in the basement of the Dreichstag in attempts to make a vaccine, and is particularly interested by the current strain. "The current strain's effects tend to appear gradually over a longer period of time. Whereas in many previous strains, a person would have a bad sneeze and a fever over a couple days, the current strain can cause those symptoms, plus a shortness of breath over a period of a couple weeks, coupled with some unusually painful dry coughing and diarrhea, before ultimately killing the person and reanimating their corpse, destroying the person they once were to perpetuate the spread of the virus." When asked if there are any other differences between the new strain and older strains, Manny said: "With the older strains, sometimes you'd have a situation where the person would die and not be reanimated. With the current strain, this error happens slightly less often, so we must be more serious about taking care of this quickly. This is no common Zombie Plague we're dealing with."

In Sidon Square, Marc Warfury was finally able to be reached for comment by the DreitOnion, upon this publication's discovery that "The Land Down Under" which Marc purportedly lives is, in fact, the name of the flying pirate ship sitting above the Square. It was difficult to reach, as below the ship was a pile of zombies attempting to climb on top of each other to reach above, but the DreitOnion takes no half-measures when reporting important news and found a way on board regardless.

"I'm not that scared." Marc said, quivering with fear. "Dreitbart says this version of Zombie Plague is even weaker than the normal one, and that the stories of the undead besieging Castle Dreiton are a fabrication." Marc continued, conveniently looking in the opppsite direction of the besieged castle. "The Minister of the Interior and all of the people buying out stores are just overreacting." Marc then looked over the edge of his ship at the zombie tower below, seemingly having not noticed it before. "I don't remember there always being a zombie pile below my ship." Marc said with a concerned inflection, before angrily storming off into his captain's quarters and rudely ending the interview. On the way out of Sidon Square, Cannonwalker, the Minister of Transportation, was reached out to for comment, but did not answer his door. All that could be heard from outside was the rustling and ripping of papers, loud howling from wolves, and a string of profanities that would make even a Knight blush.

In the Occult Forest, Dreiton's Minister of the Environment and resident hippie, Ben Holliday, seems to think this is all a fun game. He has begun his quarantine early, waiting it out in a pair of pajamas dotted with little pine trees, and with a bowl of some type of strange confection he says was made with "all natural milk and sugar, taken straight from the cow." I take note of the fact that he has not even bothered to put on a shirt for this interview.

"I agree that it's important to remain sanitary and take this situation seriously," Ben began, when the topic of his shirtlessness was brought up, "but that doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy our quarantine." When asked if he was aware of the zombie pile in Sidon Square, along with other indicators of the severity of this plague, Ben stated that "nature will take its course," and "the only thing I'm worried about is not being able to be outside protecting the trees."

I returned to the Dreichstag for my final interview. The Minister of the Interior, Sam Darkwalker, sat at the head of the Council's meeting table, stacks of paper strewn all about, seemingly talking to himself. I take note of the fact that in every seat sits a replica human made of straw.

"The Zombie Plague is a very serious threat." Sam began. "I put the city under involuntary quarantine in hopes of curbing this virus, but vigilance is required from the citizens of Dreiton as well. Wash hands frequently, avoid physical contact with other people when possible, and if any sickly green people try to bite you, briskly remove yourself from their presence and report the incident to the Rangers. The Rangers can deal with the aggressors from a distance, unlike the ineffective Knights of Dreiton, who mostly engage in close combat. Sad." I inquired into the nature of the straw dummies occupying his fellow councilmen's seats, but was cut off by Sam, who said: "My apologies for ending this interview so early, but I have important business to attend to. The Council just passed an ordinance approving the removal of some 'intrusive forestry' in the north of the city, which I must oversee." Sam then left the Dreichstag, flint and steel in hand.