Dorm Is The Worst Polar Bear Ever

## Dorm isn't that invincible as we thought, not even his storks

In January 2015, something terrible happened in the Arctic Circle (and no, it's not another *Marco* case involving world domination or icy attempts at taking control by the Russian government). Illusion Pictures, the studio who revived the Ninja Turtles and the adventurous mogul force behind *Imaginext,* made a very cold deal with Lionsgate's flagship cartoon studio Animatronic (yes, the same studio responsible for the *Cartoon Craze* garbage heap of sequels) and produced this: a bleatingly retrograde animated feature about a twerking polar bear and a trio of lively storks who must foil down some shady real estate developer's schemes of building luxurious condos in his icy Arctic home. If this premise seems absurd enough, everything else about this CG polar bear abomination is definitely as bad as watching some bird named Aristotles, voiced by thespian Bill Nighy, defecating on innocent New York people. Well, guess who sank the Titanic and threatened the Arctic ice caps? It was Dorm himself.

### "You want to know some perspective on how awful this movie is? Rob Schneider is the star of this film. Rob Schneider is the star of this film. *ROB SCHNIEDER IS THE STAR OF THIS FREAKING FILM!!!"*

And yes of course, Rob Schneider is the voice behind our titular character: a polar bear who goes by Dorm who longs to be the rightful king of the Arctic and loves breaking the ice more than anything else, even hunting down his favorite dessert: wobbly Arctic seals. However, when he sees a group of "eco-friendly tourists" whom destroy his uncomfortable igloo as part of some real estate broadcast commercial, the chubby polar bear sets off to Times Square with his annoying stork friends who are nothing more but burping *Marco* kid wannabe pigeons. On his route to Wall Street, Dorm does not encounter some savage wolf or even the world's richest chimpanzee, but instead manages to disguise himself as some grizzly bear in order to enter the supposedly eco-friendly Greener Homes, home of the wealthiest greedy maniac who goes by Greener. And while Dorm isn't fully aware that his home is being threatened by such weirdo, Greener moves ahead with the dumbest plan any entrepreneur could ever come up with: that is, setting up highly expensive yet unstable hotels in both the North and South poles. In order to melt down Greener's atrocious schemes, Dorm must rely on his wise old seagull mentor Aristotles, some Cindy Lou reject named Elizabeth, and his mysteriously unknown grandfather in order to save his kind and the friendly penguins from Antarctica. The end result is exactly the polar opposite of what you might expect from the studio who brought you *Ninja Turtles*: Greener goes down a sewer and Dorm gets hailed as the new king despite his lazy efforts at saving the Arctic for once.

This is a bland and very incompetent CG animated movie that's severely convoluted like Greener's real estate plan, assuming that little kids would be entertained by the sights of some dancing polar bear voiced by Rob Schneider and the film's "cute and merchandisable" birds urinating in some aquarium. Heck, it would be fine if this movie took the opposite route, pushing back against those "liberal Hollywood indoctrination tactics" by giving us a movie that shows the actions of humankind having absolutely no negative effects on the natural world; yet the film has no respect for the inexistent polar bears and rather tries to indoctrinate our kids with liberal propaganda about climate change and having no trust on any foreigners. Poorly rendering mediocre CG animation visuals, lackluster voice performances with atrocious marketing, and giddy forgettable characters such as Greener, *Dorm And The Invincibles* serves nothing more but as some cheap excuse for Lionsgate to release a direct-to-video quality animated feature to theaters; while also shamelessly borrowing elements from better animated fare such as *Marco* and *Beast Flock,* and ironically stealing premise from *The Ninja Turtles Movie.* Kids would most likely be bored at the film's poorly scatological humor and their parents even more irritated watching Dorm perform his signature "Polar Bear Shake" dance moves without stopping. Some aspects of the film don't make any sense to humans such as the fact that Dorm can supposedly speak to us even though his storks only gibber, and the idea that anyone would buy a condo in a remote section of the Arctic — where there appear to be zero amenities — is absurd. The latest winged critters to attempt replicating the success of Joaquin & Emiliano are of course the storks; but they are not wacky enough as they constantly jabber, whine, and burp across the screen. Schneider brings little life to Dorm the polar bear, coming across as the blandest sort of hero, one whose special ability doesn’t stretch to actually becoming entertaining. And the less said about Ken Jeong's racist stereotypical guru the better, as he gives Jeong the chance to indulge his OTT side while also promoting Chinese discrimination and poor taekwondo skills. There's also even one assumption made by Bill Nighy's character saying, "we can steal the Arctic to save the Arctic!" which completely panders down the whole entire thing. If you want to see some exciting polar bear adventure, all you need is Klondike bars for your kiddos and something much better like watching those Coke ads featuring those cuddly polar bears anytime you want.