recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Bonus Content: I am the Storm

Petraleone, or Peter the Lion, was a halfling sorcerer who lived during the 7th and 8th centuries and conquered most of Jova. They may or may not have something to do with this song.

Listen here

## Lyrics

Should I hide, live without pride?

I’d be safe if I could hide

They won’t find me, they won’t hunt me

If I hide

Should I smile and just pretend?

Like I’ve nothing to defend

My neighbours will not hate me,

If I only can pretend

And I’ll walk through these halls,

Safe and sound if I am small

If I hold back they won’t hunt me,

They won’t fear the coming squall

But I can’t hide, I won’t pretend

I’ll have no choice but to defend

I won’t be small for anyone,

While I call the storm my friend

Should I serve, bend the knee?

I could find someone who’ll guard me

They’d protect me for my service

If I only give up me

Should I follow someone’s light?

I’ve no lack of those who’d guide

They would offer me a clear path

If I gave up my mind

I won’t have to fear the day

If I give up and obey

For there’s plenty who would crush me

If I don’t play things their way

But I won’t bend my knee lightly

And I will not follow blindly

I’ll resist, I won’t obey

And through the storm I’ll find my way

I am alone

I feel the rain

As it courses over my scars with pain

I feel the bruises

The broken bones

From the blows of those who hate me

Raining down like hailstones

But I can feel the thunder

Beating in my heart

It drives me to find strength to stand

As it drives the clouds apart

I will not bend although you strike me

Will not break before I’m done

What you’ve been was just a child

Where you face me grown and wild

I won’t be less for you or less for anyone

I am the storm

So feel my rage

It’s time I came and cleared the stage

I am the storm

My time has come

And all that was in my way will be undone

And where once I hid in quiet

Now I hold the wind and rain

I could show them all my mercy

Spare their hatred from my pain

But my wounds are fresh and bleeding

And revenge is just too sweet

I won’t hold back for anyone

I am the storm

And I am free
Golder Spoon

Golder Spoon is the head of the local guild in Scarroll’s Cove. He is a middle aged looking human with tanned-reddish skin, blonde curly hair, blue eyes - one of which is lazy. He looks like he used to do hard labour but has maybe gone to seed in recent years. He appears in the first episode after Scamp steals his wedding ring, barging into the Bosun’s Arms to offer a reward for the ring and Scamp to be beaten. He doesn’t know that it was Scamp as they were in disguise as a dwarf when they stole his ring, and he does not appear again.
Episode 73: Parting & Parties

Listen here

*In which there are some tears and much rejoicing.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Do It Yourself” Bellekom
* Sam “You Can Do It If You B&Q It” Burns
* Ellie "Let's Do It, Lets Fall in Love” Sparrow

(names by Cornish Philosopher, @Cornish\_Philop on twitter)

## Ending Song

A city burned by noble hands

A traitor come to lay their plans

An army years in secret raised

I’ll wipe them from Calcinea’s face
Bonus Content: To Catch a Mirrel

Advice from Scamp’s friends on capturing a pet. They might be lying.
© Jason Phelps 2020.

Listen here

## Lyrics

If you want to catch a mirrel

You’d better come prepared.

You’d better bring a cup of milk,

You’d better not wear red.

Some folks think you can’t catch them

But my friend that isn’t true

If you’re to catch a mirrel,

Then this is what you do

You:

Cross yourself three times with salt

Hop on one leg till you fall

Sing them all a jolly song until they clap their paws

Dress yourself in purple hues

Put tiny hats upon your shoes

Do this and you won’t go wrong,

A mirrel will be yours

If you want to catch a mirrel,

You’d better not offend

They don't appreciate opera

And they don't play pretend.

They’re difficult to entertain

They only like whats new

If you’re to catch a mirrel,

Then this is what you do

You:

Make a boat from flowers and leaves

Fill it up with stinky cheese

Offer it when you arrive to visit their inlaws

Leapfrog through a ring of fire

Do it or you’ll earn their ire

And if you do and you survive,

A mirrel will be yours

If you want to catch a mirrel

Then take this good advice

You mustn’t come with any hair

Never meet their eyes

Don’t believe all that you hear,

As if you’ve not a clue

If you’re to catch a mirrel,

Then this is what you do:

Make a feast from pixie tears

Raise some buttercups in cheers

Raise a tiny banquet hall and dance without a pause.

Follow each of my commands,

Sit by a hole with your hands

Grab one and don’t let it fall

A mirrel will be yours
Bonus Content: Dragonmeet Special - The Howling Storm

Listen here

*The Krakensbane finds itself in icy waters. Recorded at Dragonmeet 2019 with special guests Chloe Mashiter and Chris Hislop of Adventurers Wanted.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the icy treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "Dragonmeet” Bellekom
* Sam “Dragon Meat" Burns
* Chloe "Dragon Feet" Mashiter
* Chris "Dragon's Teat" Hislop
* Ellie "Dragon Beat” Sparrow

## Ending Song

On sheets of ice midst howling storm

Through winds called by an eldritch horn

Our people snared by dragon's claw

Called out for freedom from these shores
Episode 55: Forests & Faces

Listen here

*In which we encounter a friendly halfling trader.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Call of the Wild” Bellekom
* Sam “Call of Cthulhu” Burns
* Ellie “Call the Midwife” Sparrow

(names submitted by @DarkestArgentum on Twitter)

## Ending Song

Our thoughts are simple, bodies fast

We speak with voices from the past

We hunger always, ne’re enough

Remember this friend, times are tough
Episode 4: Deliveries & Desperation

Listen here

*Reeling from the bargains made with Olga Gristlegums, the party seek a cure for Corzin’s sickness and make a fateful delivery.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will probably drown miserably while attempting to survive the turbulent waters that are Dungeons and Dragons

*There were no nicknames for this episode.*

## Ending Song

The pen cuts deeper than the sword,

Make you wish you’d performed mail fraud

She was carried off like a stolen rose,

I’ll rescue her from the rough winds throws
Bonus Content: The Sailor’s Prayer

Corzin & Celestia write a song aboard ship

Listen here

## Preamble

**Celestia:** Corzin!

**Corzin:** [Sleepy grumble]

**Celestia:** Cor-zin!

**Corzin:** What?

**Celestia:** It's three in the morning, I've had at least half a bottle of rum, maybe two, and I think it's time we wrote that sea shanty to be honest.

**Corzin:** You said you were only gonna have half a bottle of rum.

**Celestia:** Well, I had a half, and then I had another half. You did not express that I could only have one half.

**Corzin:** Oh, so did you just drink the half that was on the bottom first but you had to get through the half that was on the top to get to the one on the bottom?

**Celesia:** [Talking over Corzin] I... I did. I decided that the bottom half was mine.

**Corzin:** [Sighing] Right.

**Celestia:** But you said you'd write a sea shanty with me. It's been ages and sailing is boring and we should fucking get on with it really.

**Corzin:** [Sighs] All right.

**Celestia:** How does it start?

## Lyrics

This dirty town has been my home since last I was a’sailing

But I'll not stay another day, I'd sooner be out whaling

Oh Lords above, send down a dove,

With wings as sharp as razors

To cut the throats of them there blokes

What sells bad beer to sailors

Paid off my score and then ashore, my money soon was flying

With my Molly all on my knee and in my ear she’s sighing

Oh Lords above, send down a dove,

With wings as sharp as razors

To cut the throats of them there blokes

What sells bad beer to sailors

With me new-found friends, me money spent just as fast as winking

But when I make to clean the slate, the landlord says, "Keep Drinking"

Oh Lords above, send down a dove,

With wings as sharp as razors

To cut the throats of them there blokes

What sells bad beer to sailors

With me money gone, me clothes in pawn and Molly set for leaving (I’m fecking leaving)

Six months of pay gone in three days, but Molly isn't grieving

Oh Lords above, send down a dove,

With wings as sharp as razors

To cut the throats of them there blokes

What sells bad beer to sailors

When the cab comes round, I'll take his pound and his hand I'll be shaking

Tomorrow morn sail for the Horn just as the dawn is breaking

Oh Lords above, send down a dove,

With wings as sharp as razors

To cut the throats of them there blokes

What sells bad beer to sailors

So for one last trip from port I'll ship but next time back I'm swearing (Fuck!)

I'll settle down in my hometown and go no more seafaring

Well Lords above, send down a dove,

With wings as sharp as razors

To cut the throats of them there blokes

What sells bad beer to sailors

Oh Lords above, send down a dove,

With wings as sharp as razors

To cut the throats of them there blokes

What sells bad beer to sailors

## Epilogue

**Charlie's Regret Sailor:** Shut the fuck up! It's 3 in the morning! Some of us are trying to sleep!

**Celestia:** Some of us are trying to have fun, fuck off! More rum!

**Corzin:** [Disappointed sigh]
Shiranui

## Name

**Shiranui** (不知火, *Shiranui*) is a former disciple from 900 years ago and an antagonist of *MAO*.

## Relationships

Masago
*To be added*

Kamon
*To be added*

## Media Appearances

### Manga

* Chapter 38
* Chapter 39
* Chapter 40
* Chapter 42 (appears in a flashback)
* Chapter 45 (appears in thought)
* Chapter 46 (appears in thought)
* Chapter 47 (mentioned)
* Chapter 48
* Chapter 49
* Chapter 50
* Chapter 51 (appears in thought)
* Chapter 54 (appears in thought)
* Chapter 55 (appears in thought)
* Chapter 57 (appears in chapter cover)
* Chapter 62 (appears in thought)
* Chapter 63
* Chapter 65
* Chapter 66
* Chapter 67
* Chapter 68
* Chapter 69 (appears in thought)
* Chapter 87 (appears in thought)
Bonus Content: The Krakensbane

This is a filk of Anne Louise, a The Longest Johns original

Listen here

## Lyrics

Oh, The Krakensbane is waiting for a crew to jump aboard

To take her out to deeper waters further from the shore

For its quiet and still in the harbor, not a voice to be heard in the bay

But the winds coming down from Dulais and there's plenty to be done today

Oh! Cast off me lads

We'll set the sails out in cause

She's been gasping for some action

Out on the open seas

Oh there's nothing quite like pitching

Along at dangerous speeds

With my hand on the tiller

Of my sky blue westerly

Oh we've coffee and we've bacon and we've everything on board

So cry the crew, cast off from this safe haven we've been moored

For there's salt wind in our lungs boys, and salt blood in our veins

But the winds coming down from Dulais making horses beyond the cranes

Oh! Cast off me lads

We'll set the sails out in cause

She's been gasping for some action

Out on the open seas

Oh there's nothing quite like pitching

Along at dangerous speeds

With my hand on the tiller

Of my sky blue westerly

Oh she may be kinda small but she's got everything and more

For a crew of hopeless seadogs salut side up the shore

Oh we may be back in a month, or we may be back in a day

But the winds coming down from Dulais and there's no way that we can stay

Oh! Cast off me lads

We'll set the sails out in cause

She's been gasping for some action

Out on the open seas

Oh there's nothing quite like pitching

Along at dangerous speeds

With my hand on the tiller

Of my sky blue westerly

Oh, The Krakensbane has had her fill and now we must away

To walk upon the shores and share the stories of the day

Oh we may sleep well in our beds tonight, and we may not be back here for days

But the winds coming down from Dulais and our dreams will be on the waves

Oh! Cast off me lads

We'll set the sails out in cause

She's been gasping for some action

Out on the open seas

Oh there's nothing quite like pitching

Along at dangerous speeds

With my hand on the tiller

Of my sky blue westerly

Oh! Cast off me lads

We'll set the sails out in cause

She's been gasping for some action

Out on the open seas

Oh there's nothing quite like pitching

Along at dangerous speeds

With my hand on the tiller

Of my sky blue westerly

(With my hand on the tiller)

With my hand on the tiller

Of my sky blue westerly
Episode 13: Forensics & Farsight

Listen here

*The party scour the streets of Crosswater for clues and catch up on the activities of an old foe.*

## Introduction

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the turbulent waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined by;

* Robbie “Lady GaGa” Bellekom
* Sam “Baba Yaga” Burns
* Ellie “Radio Gaga” Sparrow

## Ending Song

The truth like water in your hands,

You’ll hunt in darkness for a chance

When future plots are glimpse ahead,

You’ll wish you stayed at home in bed
Bonus Content: Cruel Wars

Listen here

## Lyrics

A recruiting sergeant came our way

From an inn near town at the close of day

He said my Johnny you're a fine young man

Would you like to march along behind a military band

With a scarlet coat and a fine cocked hat

And a musket at your shoulder

The shilling he took and he kissed the book

Oh poor Johnny what'll happen to ya?

The recruiting sergeant marched away

From the inn near town at the break of day

Johnny came too with half a ring

He was off to be a soldier to go fighting for the Queen

In a far off war in a far off land

To face the foreign soldier

But how will you fare when there's lead in the air

Oh poor Johnny what'll happen to ya?

Well the sun rose high on a barren land

Where the thin red line made a military stand

There was sling shot, chain shot, grape shot too

Swords and bayonets thrusting through

Poor Johnny fell but the day was won

And the Queen is grateful to ya

But your soldiering's done and they're sending you home

Oh poor Johnny what'll happen to ya?

They said he was a hero and not to grieve

For the two ruined legs and the empty sleeve

They took him home and they set him down

With a military pension and a medal from the crown

But you haven't an arm, you haven't a leg

The enemy nearly slew ya

You'll have to go out on the streets to beg

Oh poor Johnny what'll happen to ya?

A recruiting sergeant came our way

From the inn near town at the close of day

He said my Johnny you're a fine young man

Would you like to march along behind a military band

With a scarlet coat and a fine cocked hat

And a musket at your shoulder

The shilling he took and he kissed the book

Oh poor Johnny what will happen to ya?

O Molly love, O Molly, the rout has now begun

And we must go a-marching to the beating of a drum

Come dress yourself all in your best and come along with me

I'll take you to the cruel wars in High Orcyria

O Corzin, dearest Corzin, mark well what I do say

My feet they are so tender and I cannot march away

Besides, my dearest Corzin, I am with child by thee

Not fitted for the cruel wars in High Orcyria

I'll buy you a horse, my love, and on it you shall ride

And all of my delight shall be walking at your side

We'll stop at every alehouse and drink when we are dry

Be true to one another, get married by and by

O cursed be the cruel wars, that ever they should rise

And out of merry Brighthall, press many a man likewise

They took her true love from her, likewise her brothers three

And sent them to the cruel wars in High Orcyria
Bonus Content: In Old Uttu (On Raglan Road)

On Raglan Road, re written about Lia and Celestia.

Listen here

## Real World History

"**On Raglan Road**" is a well-known Irish song from a poem written by Irish poet Patrick Kavanagh named after Raglan Road in Ballsbridge, Dublin. First put to music by Luke Kelly and the poet.

## Lyrics

In old Uttu on a fateful day

I saw her first and knew

That her fair hair would weave a snare

That I may one day rue

I saw the danger yet I walked

Along the enchanted way

And I said, ‘Let grief, be a moment brief’

At the coming of the day

In a corridor, in the winter

We tread lightly along the ledge

Of a deep ravine where can be seen

The worst of passions pledged

She loves another and I know

That she must soon away

Well I love too much and by such, by such

Is happiness thrown away

She gave me gifts of the mind

She gave me the secret sign

That’s known to all the artists who’ve known

True gods of sound and stone

With word and tint I did not stint

She gave me poems to say

With her own fair hair and her own name there

Like the lights in a darkened cave

On a quiet street where old ghosts meet

I see her walking now

Away from me so hurriedly

My reason must allow

For I have loved not as I should

A creature made of clay

When the young fool woos

One day she’ll lose her love at the dawn of day
Bonus Content: To the Sea

A song about the sea

© Jason Phelps 2019.

Listen here

## Lyrics

To the sea, to the sea

How I long to return to the sea

Like the dolphins and whales before us

I long to return to the sea

When I first laid my eyes on the ocean

How it sprawled like a swallowing beast

I was awestruck by fear and wonder

As the sun rose above in the east

Not days later I sailed upon her

As her call to me I quickly harked

Though my guts were not also enamoured

Tried to flee as soon as I’d embarked

To the sea, to the sea

How I long to return to the sea

Like the dolphins and whales before us

I long to return to the sea

There’s a freedom that comes being shipbound

Far away from the laws of the land

Where the whole world unfurls before you

From the reefs, to the corals, the sand

To the wind as it whips through your hair

To the songs of the jolly corsairs

To the bracing embrace of uncertain fate
No, a life on land just can’t compare

To the sea, to the sea

How I long to return to the sea

Like the dolphins and whales before us

I long to return to the sea

Well there’s many who’d stay on dry land

For the sea has her tempers and moods

But I coast on her rolling expanse

Over any day spent in the woods

Though the pressures of life called me to the land

My heart knows where it wants to be

Now I’ve settled vendettas and tempers and more

It time to return to the sea

To the sea, to the sea

How I long to return to the sea

Like the dolphins and whales before us

I long to return to the sea
Chapter 5

## The Spider Woman

**The Spider Woman** is the fifth chapter of *MAO*, written and illustrated by Rumiko Takahashi.

## Character in order of appearance

* Mao
* Nanoka Kiba
* Otoya
* Spider Woman

## Trivia

* The rifle the Spider Lady uses could possibly be an Arisaka rifle. The Arisaka rifle (有坂銃 *Arisaka-jū*) is a family of Japanese military bolt-action service rifles, in production and use since approximately 1897 until the end of World War II. It was used everywhere in the Imperial Japanese Army and Navy.
Episode 84: Weariness & Withdrawal

Listen here

*In which Celestia’s supply runs dry.*

Episode CW: Drug addiction & withdrawal

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "Everything's Fine” Bellekom
* Sam “Everything's Brine” Burns
* Ellie "Everything is Mine” Sparrow

## Ending Song

It was a way I thought to cope

To deal with the absence of hope

And though I’ve passed into the dark

I’m not out yet, I bear its mark
Bonus Content: Fathom the Bowl

Celestia & Vyig celebrate alcohol and commiserate terrible parenting, with song!

The traditional song rewritten for Calcinea

Listen here

## Preamble

**Celestia:** We need another drink, right now.

**Vieg:** Okay, we should do a toast.

**Celestia:** To what?

**Vieg:** Family.

**Celestia:** Family?

**Vieg:** Drinks!

**Celestia:** Yes!

**Vieg:** Toast to drinks.

**Celestia:** A toast to drinks?

**Vieg:** Drinks on toast.

**Celestia:** Drinks on- We're toasting the drinks, you know what's the best kind of toast?

**Vieg:** Cheese. Cheese on toast, buttered on one side.

**Celestia:** [Talking over] No! Well that sounds good actually. Later, we're doing a toast to drinks! The best kind of-

**Vieg:** [Interputing] Toast to drinks!

**Celestia:** The best kind of toast is a musical one.

## Lyrics

Come all you bold fellow, to this place have come

And we’ll sing in the praise of good brandy and rum

Let’s lift up our glasses, good cheer is our goal

Bring in the punch ladle, we'll fathom the bowl

We'll fathom the bowl, we'll fathom the bowl,

Bring in the punch ladle, we'll fathom the bowl

From Sull we do get brandy, from Sunder comes rum

Sweet oranges and lemons from Feras[?] do come

But stout beer and cider are Halflands's control

Bring in the punch ladle, we'll fathom the bowl

We'll fathom the bowl, we'll fathom the bowl,

Bring in the punch ladle, we'll fathom the bowl

My family do disturb me as I lie at my ease,

They does as they likes and they says as they please

My mother’s the devil, heart's black as the coal

Bring in the punch ladle, we'll fathom the bowl

We'll fathom the bowl, we'll fathom the bowl,

Bring in the punch ladle, we'll fathom the bowl

Oh, my father does lie in the depths of the sea

No stone at his head but what matters to me? (\*slurred\* It doesn't fucking matter)

Here's a gallon of strong cider his death to console

(Rot in hell Motherfucker)

(Fuck you)

Bring in the punch ladle, we'll fathom the bowl

We'll fathom the bowl, we'll fathom the bowl,

Bring in the punch ladle, we'll fathom the bowl

## Epilogue

**Celestia:** What does that mean? Fathom the bowl? Why are we fathoming it?

**Vieg:** We're going to go all the way to the bottom.

**Celestia:** Oh.

**Vieg:** All the way.

**Celestia:** Yes we are.
Episode 95: Fast & Furious

Listen here

*In which the party falls foul of Sir Isaac Newton’s first law.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "Fish and Chips” Bellekom
* Sam “Chips and Cheese” Burns
* Ellie "Cheese and Chalk” Sparrow

## Ending Song

I'm a big fan of Halfling's luck

Until I fight one, then, oh fuck

We'll hunt you down for that reward

You've not yet escaped the goat lord
Bonus Content: Spinnerets & Threads

It’s lullaby songtime with Celestia and Scamp!

Listen here

## Preamble

**Scamp:** Celestia?

**Celestia:** Yes?

**Scamp:** I can't sleep.

**Celestia:** Have you tried counting sheep?

**Scamp:** I don't really know, I don't remember what sheep look like well, and this, and I can't count very high.

**Celestia:** [Speaking over Scamp] Okay.

**Scamp:** It gets confusing and stressful and...

**Celestia:** [Speaking over Scamp] Umm... You could count, uh, birds.

**Scamp:** The counting's still a problem.

**Celestia:** Right! Umm... Deep breaths? I don't know?

**Scamp:** [Shyly] Could you sing to me? ...Nevermind

**Celestia:** I-I like singing, I can sing to you, that's okay. Umm... What songs do I know? Oh dear, all the songs that I know are not suitable for children.

**Scamp:** Well...

**Celestia:** You're still a child and you're asking for a lullaby so therefore you count as a child right now! Fuck. Oh, wait wait wait. I know one.

**Scamp:** Okay?

**Celestia:** It's one that they sing to the children where I come from.

**Scamp:** Right?

**Celestia:** It's a Drow lullaby?

**Scamp:** Okay?

**Celestia:** You can pretend to be a Drow for a- don't pretend to be a Drow for 5 minutes-

**Scamp:** [Speaking over Celestia] No.

**Celestia:** I-It's nice, let me have a go.

## Lyrics

Spinnerets and threads will draw you close

Spinnerets and threads will bring you home

Tread softly now across the web

And it will bring you over the depths

Spinnerets, cocoons, will make you croon

So by ninth chime you’ll surely swoon

Fangs bite deep and drag you to sleep

Spinnerets and threads will draw you deep

Spinnerets and threads and long silk strands

Will guide you to those pleasant lands

That lie across the great abyss

That swallows up all of those non-loyalists

Spinnerets and threads around your throat

Catch the weak, they wink out like motes

And down into the darkest abyss

If you would survive and pass beyond this

Then you must be as strong silk thread

Smart as the spider, inspire dread

You must embrace all that is to be

Now find Drow strength and loyalty

Now gently to sleep, remember all this

The path to cross the endless abyss

The weak and disloyal into the pit throw

While spinnerets and threads will bring you home

## Epilogue

**Celestia:** Better?

**Scamp:** I'm never sleeping again.
Episode 81: Interviews & Inspiration

Listen here

*In which the Krakensbane is waiting for a crew to jump aboard.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "Terror of the Deep” Bellekom
* Sam “Terror of the Sheep” Burns
* Ellie "Terrifying Feet” Sparrow

## Ending Song

At last we're ready to depart

The next stage of our tale can start

To hunt the Kraken without fail

A message marked upon our sails
Episode 34: Scrimshaw & Smugglers

Listen here

*In which the party go shopping in the catacombs and help deliver some merchandise.*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous depths of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Strawberry Fields” Bellekom
* Sam “Raspberry Hills” Burns
* Ellie “Durean Depths” Sparrow

## Ending Song

There’s always profits to be made

When secrets are your stock in trade

You do your best to avoid harm

There’s always risks when smuggling arms
Celestia Stardust

One of the Flintlocks & Fireballs Trio, Celestia is a drow bard. She has is a lover of ridiculous clothing & wears far to many instruments on her back.

## **Description**

### **Appearance**

Celestia is over six feet tall with dark blueish grey skin, eyes so pale blue they are almost white and dramatic white hair.

She wears dramatic, over the top clothes, made more dramatic after every interaction with the gnome tailor Fiti Gubinswick .

She carries: an ophicleide, a large xylophone, a purple lightning bolt shaped electric guitar , a drum, & a kit violin.

### **Personality**

Often ostentatious and over the top, Celestia's flamboyant personality masks her deep caring & struggles against her past.

## **References**

1. ↑ First outfits made by Fiti - episode 9
2. ↑ Given to her in Episode 39 at 3:00:00 by Dionysus. Also allows her to: cast "Shocking Grasp" Cantrip
3. ↑ Purchased in Episode 40.
Episode 74: Fears & Fires

Listen here

*In which Celestia finds it somewhat difficult to relax.*

Episode CW: Discussion of trauma and abuse

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Evaporation” Bellekom
* Sam “Condensation" Burns
* Ellie "Consolation” Sparrow

(names by Cora, @TheSeaFour on twitter)

## Ending Song

I got away, I burnt it down

I’ll never go back to the town

But threads of past still bind my dreams

I don’t know if I’ll e'er be free
Episode 72: Threads & Thresholds

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*How the party stole Uttumas.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the rising flames of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Judged by Jeffery” Bellekom
* Sam “Swindled by Scamp” Burns
* Ellie “Educated by Ethel” Sparrow

## Ending Song

I stood upon the precipice

To cross with them into the bliss

Wait for me and back I’ll come

For I must fight now in the sun
Episode 67: Dreamers & Diners

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*In which there are a number of dreams.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Eat a Pack of Sweets” Bellekom
* Sam “Eat a Bag of Crisps” Burns
* Ellie “Eat a Bag of Dicks” Sparrow

(names submitted by Ellie)

## Ending Song

While some may dally in their dreams

Some watch for watchers yet unseen

Advantage, power, it’s all one

In lands never touched by the sun
Episode 90: Roles & Revelations

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*In which the crew seek spiritual assistance.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "Flintlocks & Fireballs” Bellekom
* Sam “Firelocks & Flintballs" Burns
* Ellie "Fire Flints Ball Locks Flint Lock Ball Ball Flint Flint Flint Lock Ball Flint Balls” Sparrow

(names submitted by CornishPhilosopher, @Cornish\_Philop on Twitter)

## Ending Song

I'm sick and tired of being replaced

By God-like wills and whims of fate

But my ordeal is far from done

The echo-storm has just begun
Episode 36: Correspondence & Calamity

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*In which the party reaches the port city of Cayonne.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the revolutionary depths of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “See No Evil” Bellekom
* Sam “Hear No Evil” Burns
* Ellie “Tweet No Evil” Sparrow

## Ending Song

I’ve searched so long, felt so much fear

At last my princess is right here

To keep her safe with all my strength

I can’t even stay at arm’s length
Episode 25: Shrews & Stalkers

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*In which the party cross the threshold into an ancient place.*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous, dark woods of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “The Red Nosed Reindeer” Bellekom
* Sam “The Smiling Snowman” Burns
* Ellie “The Lost Little Matchstick Girl” Sparrow

## Ending Song

There's something watching from the snow,

It follows wherever we go

Where ancient feet beat ancient path,

They're all now trapped here in the past
Bonus Content: South Orcyria

A classic sea shanty, South Australia, with words changed for Calcinea

Listen here

## Preamble

**Celestia:** Alright, you can sing fast, I can sing fast things too!

**Fiti:** Alright.

**Celestia:** Especially after this much whisky.

**Fiti:** Alright, you're on!

**Scamp:** Fast? Is it going to be coherent?

**Celestia:** Very- I'm always coherent, coherence is- [vauge mumbling]

**Corzin:** Well there's-

**Celestia:** [Interupting] It's my speciality, fuck you!

**Corzin:** Well there's a difference on opinion on that but never mind.

**Celestia:** Shut up, all of you. Let's start the song.

## Lyrics

In South Orcyria I was born, heave away, haul away

In South Orcyria, 'round Black Thorn, we're bound for South Orcyria

Haul away you rolling king, heave away, haul away

Haul away, you'll hear me sing, we're bound for South Orcyria

As I walked out one morning fair, heave away, haul away

'Twas there I met Miss Nancy Blair, we're bound for South Orcyria

Haul away you rolling king, heave away, haul away

Haul away, you'll hear me sing, we're bound for South Orcyria

I shook her up and I shook her down, heave away, haul away

I shook her round and round the town, we're bound for South Orcyria

Haul away you rolling king, heave away, haul away

Haul away, you'll hear me sing, we're bound for South Orcyria

I run her all night and I run her all day, heave away, haul away

And I run her until we sailed away, we're bound for South Orcyria

Haul away you rolling king, heave away, haul away

Haul away, you'll hear me sing, we're bound for South Orcyria

There ain't but one thing grieves me mind, heave away, haul away

To leave Miss Nancy Blair behind, we're bound for South Orcyria

Haul away you rolling king, heave away, haul away

Haul away, you'll hear me sing, we're bound for South Orcyria

And as we wallop around Black Thorn, heave away, haul away

You'll wish to Gods you'd never been born, we're bound for South Orcyria

Haul away you rolling king, heave away, haul away

Haul away, you'll hear me sing, we're bound for South Orcyria

In South Orcyria my native land, heave away, haul away

Full of rocks and thieves and sand, we're bound for South Orcyria

Haul away you rolling king, heave away, haul away

Haul away, you'll hear me sing, we're bound for South Orcyria

I wish I was on Orcyria's strand, heave away, haul away

With a bottle of whiskey in my hand, we're bound for South Orcyria

Haul away you rolling king, heave away, haul away

Haul away, you'll hear me sing, we're bound for South Orcyria

## Epilogue

**Celestia:** You're not the o- you're not the only one who can sing fast.

**Corzin:** We all got it that time, I think?

**Celestia:** Bastard.

**Scamp:** I'm still sure about the coherence.

**Celestia:** Where's the whisky?

**Fiti:** [Shouting over Celestia] We'll have another round please!

**Celestia:** Where's it gone?

**Scamp:** It's gone.

**Celestia:** More whisky!
Episode 49: Perils & Pearls

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*In which we discern whether it is in fact better, down where it’s wetter, under the sea.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Syphilis Steve” Bellekom
* Sam “Gonorrhea Goneril” Burns
* Ellie “Chlamydia Clappy Carissa” Sparrow

## Ending Songs

There’s strange things, lurked down were light fails

There’s stuff straight out Norrit’s tales

With deaths avenged, ye neath deceased

Perhaps at last they’ll find their peace
Bonus Content: I Called Out

There’s unrest a-brewing…

Listen here

## Lyrics

Three winters now of darkness

And famine on the land

When folks are tired and hungry

Comes violence hand-in-hand

Priests say it will get better

It starts to sound like lies

We’ve never had so little

Or taxes quite as high

To love your neighbour’s easy

When belly’s fat and wide

But some folk when they're starving

Will steal all that you don’t hide

We hope the King’s battalions

Would give these thugs the boot

But when they came upon our fields

They just joined in the loot

So I called out to the King

“Will you save your people?”

Called out to the church

“Can you save the poor?”

I called out to the army

“Will your men protect us?”

Call to anyone that can get us through

But no one is coming

We’re all on our own

The King’s doing nothing

Sat on his throne

The church cannot save us

The army’s corrupt

There’s no one here but us

It’s time to rise up

The cities aren’t much better

Their packed with sick and damned

The streets are full of beggars

Missing legs and missing hands

We’re told that they fought bravely

Well, bravery’s a lie

For loyalty and service

They’ve been kicked out, left to die

When folks they raise their voices

For what justice is found

The answer of the magistrates

Is just the musket round

We’re tired and we are hungry

It more than we can take

We’re bound, beaten, we have no voice

And something’s got to break

So I called out to the King

“Will you save your people?”

Called out to the church

“Can you save the poor?”

I called out to the army

“Will your men protect us?”

Call to anyone that can get us through

But no one is coming

We’re all on our own

The King’s doing nothing

Sat on his throne

The church cannot save us

The army’s corrupt

There’s no one here but us

It’s time to rise up

Well, I love my country

As much as the next

And I’m not a traitor

I just want to save our necks

But this ship is being

Driven hard aground

So follow me comrades

To keep your home safe and sound
Episode 75: Prisons & Paranoia

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*In which sometimes they really are out to get you.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Churl” Bellekom
* Sam “Wretched Fool” Burns
* Ellie "Victorious Despot” Sparrow

## Ending Song

The plan was to spend a nice day,

Not sit in jail and change my face.

When paranoia turns out true,

Don't eat the curry, stick to stew.
Episode 47: Foresight & Foreboding

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*In which a threshold is crossed from which there is no return.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Elephants on Parade” Bellekom
* Sam “Elephants in Disguise” Burns
* Ellie “Elephants in your Eyes” Sparrow

## Ending Song

I plunged into the future deep

And what I’ve learned would make you weep

What dreams of our philosophy

Could bring about the end I see
Bonus Content: Jimothy!

In our quiet town, there’s a cure for your frowns!

Listen here

## Lyrics

So… Welcome to Jimothy

We have fun in Jimothy

From daybreak until the sun sets

You will find in Jimothy

Peace of mind in Jimothy

Away from all of your regrets

In our quiet town

We’ve a cure for your frowns

A place for the weary to stay

On the edge of dreams

Everything's as it seems

All is well in the light of day

You’ll be safe in Jimothy

Have faith in Jimothy

No need now to worry or fret

Sing along in Jimothy

Can’t go wrong in Jimothy

You’ll be safe here until the sun sets

And when darkness comes

We’ll be safe in our beds

Lock up your doors and you won’t wake up dead

If you keep in line

There’ll be nothing to fear

And when you wake, you’ll be full of cheer

In our town of Jimothy

Did we mention Jimothy?

He’s the founder of this lovely place

By the pacts that he made

From the nightmares we’re saved

And we live here in comfort and grace

So if you are wondering

Why we sing this song

It’s so while you’re here, nothing will go wrong

These tunes drive away

The Despiser of Song

And keep him where he belongs

So have fun in Jimothy

Keep shop on Jimothy

This town is a secret most close

Don’t you speak of Jimothy

Or how to get to Jimothy

Or we’ll beat you and leave you morose

Don’t go into the woods

They’ll harrow your blood

Leave only by light of day

Until then you’ll find safety

In our friendly town

A place you can work and play

So…. Welcome to Jimothy

You’ll have fun in Jimothy

From daybreak until the sun sets

You will find in Jimothy

Peace of mind in Jimothy

Away from all of your regrets
Bonus Content: Randy Dandy O

The crew sing a classic shanty about moving shipboard equipment.

Listen here

## Lyrics

Now we are ready to head for the horn

weigh hey, roll and go!

Our boots and our clothes, boys, are all in the pawn

To be rollicking Randy Dandy-O

Heave a pawl, o heave away

weigh hey, roll and go!

The anchor's on board and the cable's all stored

To be rollicking Randy Dandy-O

Man you the capstan and heave with a will

weigh hey, roll and go!

Soon we’ll be drive her way down the hill

To be rollicking Randy Dandy-O

Heave a pawl, o heave away

weigh hey, roll and go!

The anchor's on board and the cable's all stored

To be rollicking Randy Dandy-O

Soon will be warping her out through the locks

Weigh hey, roll and go!

Where the pretty young girls all come down in flocks

To be rollicking Randy Dandy-O

Heave a pawl, o heave away

weigh hey, roll and go!

The anchor's on board and the cable's all stored

To be rollicking Randy Dandy-O

Now we’re bound for the Ferozian Bay

Weigh hey, roll and go!

Get cracking my lads, ‘tis a hell of a way

To be rollicking Randy Dandy-O

Heave a pawl, o heave away

weigh hey, roll and go!

The anchor's on board and the cable's all stored

To be rollicking Randy Dandy-O
Bonus Content: Haul Away Joe

A classic sea shanty, with some lyrics edited to be set in Calcinea

Listen here

## Lyrics

When I was just a little girl, so my mother told me

Way haul away, we'll haul away Joe

That if I didn’t kiss the girls, my lips would grow all moldy

Way haul away, we'll haul away Joe

Away! Ho! Haul away, we'll haul away together

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe

Away! Ho! Haul away, we'll hope for better weather

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe

I used to have an Wendish girl but she was rather lazy

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe

But now I've got a Tyre girl and she just drives me crazy

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe

Away! Ho! Haul away, we'll haul away together

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe

Away! Ho! Haul away, we'll hope for better weather

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe

King Leon was the king of Suul before the Revolut-i-on

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe

But someone stole his chamber pot and  it spoiled his constitut-i-on

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe

Away! Ho! Haul away, we'll haul away together

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe

Away! Ho! Haul away, we'll hope for better weather

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe

Well now can't ya see, the black clouds a-gatherin'

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe

Well now can't ya see, the Kraken's a-risin'

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe

Away! Ho! Haul away, we'll haul away together

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe

Away! Ho! Haul away, we'll hope for better weather

Away Haul Away, we'll haul away, Joe
Bonus Content: Grenville’s Blood

A song based on a classic sea shanty

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## Lyrics

Well, a drop of Grenville's blood wouldn't do us any harm,

A drop of Grenville's blood wouldn't do us any harm,

A drop of Grenville's blood wouldn't do us any harm,

And we'll all hang on behind

And we will roll the old chariot along,

We'll roll the old chariot along,

We'll roll the old chariot along,

And we'll all hang on behind

And a night upon the town wouldn’t do us any harm,

A night upon the town wouldn’t do us any harm,

A night upon the town wouldn’t do us any harm,

And we'll all hang on behind

And we will roll the old chariot along,

We'll roll the old chariot along,

We'll roll the old chariot along,

And we'll all hang on behind

And a red headed lass wouldn’t do us any harm,

A red headed lass wouldn’t do us any harm,

A red headed lass wouldn’t do us any harm,

And we'll all hang on behind

And we will roll the old chariot along,

We'll roll the old chariot along,

We'll roll the old chariot along,

And we'll all hang on behind

And a little drop of rum wouldn’t do us any harm,

A little drop of rum wouldn’t do us any harm,

A little drop of rum wouldn’t do us any harm,

And we'll all hang on behind

And we will roll the old chariot along,

We'll roll the old chariot along,

We'll roll the old chariot along,

And we'll all hang on behind
The Charlie's Regret

The Charlie's Regret is a two masted brig sloop, with two bow guns, sixteen 32 pound cannonades and fitted for 121 crewmen. It is said to look fast. It is captained by Captain Marlin Brandy.

Crew:

* First Mate: Vyig Petrovitch
* Bosun Salder
* Seaman Pepper Salts
* Ship's carpenter: Watcher Wheels
* Head Gunner: Alton Appleblossom
* Ship's Surgeon: Corzin Horhace
Episode 71: Trials & Tempests

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*Going down.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous caverns of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Fast, Fencing & Furious" Bellekom
* Sam “Stabbings & Sensibility” Burns
* Ellie “Pride & Extreme Prejudice” Sparrow

## Ending Song

Above the earth’s infernal maw

I met an echo from before

We’ll start an end by blazing mark

Let’s burn down the whole Underdark
Episode 48: Revelry & Reunion

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*In which we stray from the future to the past.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Cassandra Complex” Bellekom
* Sam “Cassandra’s Complex” Burns
* Ellie “Cassandra, Complex” Sparrow

## Ending Song

You make it out, survive and grieve

You try to turn over new leaves

But stains leak through from old ink blots

The past can hit you like grapeshot
Episode 5: Heists & Hangovers

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*In Ballwick’s Bay, Corzin’s past rears a kinky head and Celestia learns the joys of coffee. Amongst other things.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the desperately struggling waters of  Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined once again by;

* “The Inestimable” Robbie Bellekom
* “The Unenviable” Sam Burns
* “The Unknowable” Ellie Sparrow

## Ending Song

When thieves are seeking for your loot,

Be sure to conceal your gimp suits

We’ll fill our pipes and take a drag,

And raise a rather risqué flag
Bonus Content: The PodUK Shanty

A shanty to thank the backers of PodUK!

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## Lyrics

Oh, we’ve a song for the Patrons

Who really made our day

Who backed the launching of a ship

To get to PodUK

So haul up anchor, trim the sails

And lend your ears we pray

As we spin you the yarn how we sailed to PodUK

Well first we came upon a whale

Bright pink with yellow spots

Who nearly swallowed our ship whole

Save Gunner **Ella Watts**

Who blinded it with glitter guns

And left it bleary eyed

As we sailed on by reckoning of Helmsman **Becky Lai**

We hosted up our rainbow flag

To show our pirate pride

And soon the crew gave up their lunch

As we rock side to side

But then the crew was hurling

Up the rum from **Helen Stirling**

We should never have embarked the water of the yellow tide

Well we knew we’d a price to pay

But didn’t guess the fee

When her majesty’s taxmen

Came to collect **Holly Gee**

The captain swindled to save face

Our faithful old **Sarah Horhace**

And so we carried on upon our faithful con journey

We crashed our ship into the docks

Of Millennium Point

There’s some who listen to our tale

And think we’d smoked a joint

But if you ask **Jess**, **Chris** or **Bret**

 they’ll be sure to say

That true is true, that is the tale of reaching PodUK
Bonus Content: Light a Candle

Merry Full Circle

© Jason Phelps 2019.

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## Lyrics

When the winds grow cold

And the nights grow long

And the world seems bleak and stark

Come along with me

And we’ll find some warmth

Let’s light a candle in the dark

Some days in the darkness we forget

That we’re not all alone and we’re not done yet

It easy to forget that we have friends

And we don’t need to go on alone until the end

So call out if you find out you’re in the black

And if you’re out then don’t forget to glance back

‘Cause there are friends who need a helping hand

No, none of us are islands and together we stand

When the winds grow cold

And the nights grow long

And the world seems bleak and stark

Come along with me

And we’ll find some warmth

Let’s light a candle in the dark

Well, darker days are coming

Yeah, there’s bad times up ahead

So we’ve got to stand together

In the face of the coming dread

‘Cause no matter how it seems we’re not alone

And you don’t have to face all this on your own

Though it seems the world has turned its face away from us

We can gather round the fire as it grows

When the winds grow cold

And the nights grow long

And the world seems bleak and stark

Come along with me

And we’ll find some warmth

Let’s light a candle in the dark
Episode 3: Truth & Beauty

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*Celestia, Corzin & Scamp make port at Peder’s March, an ugly town with a very handsome mayor. A hunting expedition in the swamps may lead them to get more than they bargain for…*

## Introductions

Where a band of merry, slightly nerdy and somewhat insane actors attempting to survive the dangerous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

*There were no nicknames in this episode.*

## Ending Song

The day may seem fine time to drink,

But watch your step or soon you’ll sink

When beauty’s hand-in-hand with luck,

Beware the bargains you have struck