Episode 25: Secret Christmas

https://globehell.libsyn.com/

## Episode Summary

Don't worry about Christmas, Secret Christmas could be right around the corner.

## Idea Details

* Idea: Secret Christmas
* Creator of idea: Drew
* Purpose of idea: I have a great idea but first I have a long sort of intro and preamble to get through. Let me just ask a few rhetorical ques- actually, not rhetorical questions, I want you to - do I want you to answer? I'm not - let's see - see just as I go through them, okay? Josiah, what's the most stressful thing about Christmas? (Josiah: "Probably trying to figure out where to go when all the inns are full and you're about to give birth to the son of God.") Well suppose we're talking about just like an average day Christmas, not the birth of Christ. Josiah, let me just speak from my perspective, and I think a lot of people are gonna agree with me, okay? (Josiah: "Cool, a white cis straight man. Good to hear from again. Let's hear what he has to say, folks. Hey, I wonder if there's a straight cis white man who can take up some space right now. And literally speak over these women who are singing. Or are they boys, I don't know.") They could be castrated boys. What I'm saying is that Christmas - I, I think like a lot of people, find Christmas to be very stressful, you're have to buy a lot of presents, you know there's a lot - if you're an introvert like me, I'm a bit of an extroverted introvert, it's very - it can be very sort of claustrophobic with all the Christmas gatherings, you know socializing. Not this year. But you know, Christmas Eve, Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year's, all of these things. Valentine's Day is in February. I'm saying that I personally find Christmas to be stressful because you know, there's a lot of socializing, you gotta buy all the gifts, you gotta go out to the mall, it's always busy. I'm saying I find it stressful. And I think at Christmas is worthy and it's a good thing and you know, I'm always happy to spend time with my family, and my friends, but at the same time, it's a lot. So what I'm proposing, you know, we can continue on having Christmas every year. But we also have a Secret - (Josiah: "So we're gonna keep the same Christmas. The same one always will happen on December 26th.") Yes. Yes. But we're going to have a Secret Christmas determined at some point through the year, we'll do like a lottery system, but here's the point: it stays secret. Secret to the entire world. So that you will never know when this Christmas is coming. And then you don't have the stressful lead-up to you know, anxiety, thinking about going out to the malls, thinking about all the different presents you have to buy, thinking about the meals you have to prepare, thinking about what you're gonna wear, thinking about who you're see, which parties you're gonna go to. There's a Secret Christmas, you do not plan for it, it's just sprung on you.
* Timetable: No timetable was given in the episode, but Josiah and Drew repeatedly suggested that there would be a Secret Christmas in 2021.
* Idea details:
	+ Secret Christmas is a separate day from Christmas, which will still be on December 26th of each year after December 23rd through 25th were secretly combined into one day like merging cells in Excel to accommodate World Wide Rock Festival.
	+ Secret Christmas will be announced on the day-of via Amber alert and there will be no notice in advance to prepare for it.
	+ The Amber alert that announces Secret Christmas will be sent out as early as possible on the day of Secret Christmas.
	+ Society will be slightly reformed to start diligently checking Amber alerts because everyone will be anxiously awaiting when one of the alerts is for Secret Christmas instead of just another kidnapped child.
	+ Secret Christmas will last from midnight to midnight.
	+ The Pope will have a lottery ball thing installed in his bedroom. He will need to sleep in a storage bunk bed where he sleeps on top and underneath him is a desk and office space with the lottery ball machine. On January 1st of each year, the Pope will pull a lever and a ball with the date of that year's Secret Christmas will roll out. Only the Pope will have this knowledge and he will store the numbered ball under his bed in case he dies so people can reach under his body to find out the date of Secret Christmas that year. Otherwise, the Pope will just remember what day Secret Christmas is, and he's not allowed to write it down.
	+ The Secret Christmas lottery ball machine will have one ball corresponding to each date of the year, though it is conceivable that someone could mess with the machine by adding more of a certain date if they really wanted Secret Christmas to fall on that day that year for some reason.
	+ Once it is the 12:00 AM of World Wide Time Zone on the day specified on the Secret Christmas lottery ball, the Pope will send out a text via the Amber alert system to inform everyone in the world that it is Secret Christmas. He will have a special phone that gives him the ability to do this.
	+ Secret Christmas is nondenominational.
	+ The Pope will make sure to set his alarm really early on the day that only he knows is Secret Christmas so he can make sure to alert people that it's Secret Christmas as early as possible.
	+ Everyone in the world will prepare year-round for Secret Christmas so they are ready with food and presents no matter what day Secret Christmas turns out to be. This will ensure that there is never a mad rush to the mall or to grocery stores once Secret Christmas is announced.
	+ If Secret Christmas lands on Christmas, they negate each other and there is no Christmas that year. Everyone in the world will have to junk all of their food and presents that year.
	+ World Wide Train (noun) will allow everyone in the world to see their families with ease even after the surprise announcement of Secret Christmas.
	+ Everything associated with Christmas will also be associated with Secret Christmas, even if Secret Christmas falls sometime in the summer. This includes Christmas lights, The Grinch, elf on a shelf, *Peanuts*, mistletoe, Rudolph, and Frosty.
	+ The Pope and his secret cabal of world leaders will scientifically engineer the weather on the day of Secret Christmas so that it will be a White Christmas everywhere in the world.
	+ People will naturally write new Secret Christmas songs, but in the meantime everyone in the world can continue playing regular Christmas songs on Secret Christmas as well.

## Notable Events

* Drew revealed that he is not a born-again Christian.
* Josiah and Drew listened to several leftist Christmas carols.
* Josiah and Drew kissed under the mistletoe while socially distanced.
* Josiah freestyle rapped over Drew beatboxing.
* Drew freestyle rapped.
* Josiah and Drew sang choral hymns.
* Josiah and Drew read left-wing Christmas cards.
* Globe Hell Morning
* Globe Hell Mourning
* Secret Death
* Josiah and Drew debated who came up with the idea for Globe Hell Warning and World Wide Train (noun).
* Josiah and Drew sang a duet of *Baby, It's Cold Outside* with custom Secret Christmas lyrics.

## Notable Quotes

### Josiah

* "Hey let's call it Snowb Glo- Snowb Globe Warning. Snow Globe. Snow Globe. It's a Snowb Globe Warning. To the season."
* "So instead of social distancing, we should all be socialistancing."
* "Welcome to Globe Hell - Snow Glo- Snow Globe Hell. It's Snowb Globe season and we're Snow - Snowb Hell - Snowball Warning is what we are today. Look out behind you, there might be a snowball in your globe. Snow - Snow Globe. Snowb Globe."
* "Some of us have a socialist buzzle."
* "You could get a Christmas card that's just the word 'Democrat' and it's written in the Supreme font. So if you've got a sort of a - sort of a center-left person in your life who is also a bit of a hypebeast, they would probably love this uh piece of shit."
* "Well you want me to play devil? Right now? It's never gonna work. Your idea's terrible. It's a terrible idea and you should be ashamed of yourself. You've brought shame upon your family by uttering such a idiotic thought out loud. I award you no points and may God have."
* "[In response to Drew saying the 'r' word multiple times] Please stop saying the 'r' word, Drew. This is a family show."
* "You kind of look like RBG as well, actually."
* "We'll receive an Amber alert and we'll say 'Oh I wonder if this means a child is missing' and then that's actually a double bonus cause it'll make sure that people actually read the Amber alerts now."
* "[On the topic of getting rid of time zones in a previous episode] I think we got rid of Christmas Day as well in one of them. This is a fucking mess. What even are we doing with our lives right now?"
* "[On the topic of sending drills to underdeveloped nations instead of retweeting dril] That's true. And you know why? Because the way that the Twitter user dril is spelled is different from the actual physical drill that can build home, and that's because those people 'took the L'. Globe Hell."
* "I've always said 'Life is like a Amber alert: you never know what you're gonna get'."
* "[On the topic of someone not wanting to get kidnapped] Well if you're tired and you're a child then do want a kid nap."
* "We should be a little more sensitive because there could be people listening to this right now in a car where they have been kidnapped and the kidnappers are listening to Globe Hell Warning Christmas episode."
* "[On the topic of *The Mandalorian*] He's literally a The Child trafficker."
* "*The Mandalorian* is a show about Child trafficking and if you like it, you approve of Child trafficking."
* "You say it will be a lottery, obviously we've done a lottery episode before. Drew has officially run out of ideas, I'm waiting for him to talk about aging up a little boy in this one as well."
* "[In response to Drew's question about whether God could make a mistake like killing the Pope due to a misunderstanding] Well he made you."
* "2021 is gonna be about the chicks."
* "2021 we're gonna be called Boob Hell Warning. That was Drew's idea."
* "I think you're being a fucking baby if that's the truth."

### Drew

* "Do you think we have a lot of South American listeners? Because I know for a fact we don't."
* "Welcome to gillotime. It's gillotime, folks!"
* "Nobody sees my toes. I never reveal the type of the shoes that I wear."
* "I keep my toes clean."
* "I love to rub your midnight mass."
* "[Doing a Donald Trump impression] We have the best presents. I'm gonna grab you by the present."
* "What if Donald Trump was a pussy? What if he was a little pussycat? He would - he would be - he would tear down the tree, he would be jumping up all in the tree, for goodness sake! That's how cats are, they love trees, they love Christmas trees, more than anything. They don't give a shit about Christmas."
* "You know what? I just want you to be quiet now. And play devil, all right?"
* "There's a lot of stuff at the airport that could be at the mall, that we don't really think about. Like we don't think about the fact that like even if you could have small flights taking off from different malls, think how much of a burden that would take off of the airports. And I'm not - this is not my idea for this week. No, this is not my idea. This is not my idea. This is not my idea, this is just me spitballing off the top of my head. It's an idea that maybe we could revisit later."
* "Welcome, globesters."
* "But we will die on the same day. Me and Josiah are linked. We could be a thousand miles apart and if he were to - he were to - something bad happened to him, like even if he was just on - I'm saying if you were in a life-threatening situation, I would feel the exact emotions and the exact pain that you would be feeling."
* "I bet whenever I stub my toe, you get a boner. Whenever something bad happens to me, you get horny somehow."
* "Maybe amber should be considered a Christmas color. We already have red and green on traffic lights."
* "It might be Christmas!! And then no, of course a child has been kidnapped."
* "[On the topic of the word 'kidnapped' being insensitive] Yeah they should call it childtooked."
* "Whenever somebody says 'Yeah, I was kidnapped', you think 'Oh, you had a lot of sleep as a child?'"
* "[On the topic of being kidnapped] Yeah cause people who are kidnapped in their - I mean, people in their 80's are kidnapped, for goodness sakes. Think how easy it would be. But they're certainly not children."
* "Haven't we done an episode about time zones where we got rid of them? I can't remember if we have. If we have, it would make it so much easier."
* "How about instead of retweeting dril, how about we start uh sending drills to underdeveloped nations who need drills?"
* "Wouldn't that be awful? If you're in the trunk of a car and they're listening to Globe Hell Warning?"
* "The New Republic is the authorities, Josiah, the Empire has fallen! You fucking idiot."
* "Fuck off."
* "Yeah so we're gonna do a couple episodes about Girl Pope and different girl stuff."
* "I was thinking maybe we should get a sticker that said 'I love boobies!'"
* "You hate boobies."
* "We want you to live in a teenage boy's bedroom."
* "[In response to Josiah saying Drew's inability to recognize flirting is a 'you' problem] Well I here - uhhhhh there's a 'u' problem for you, urine - a urinary problem, cause you're always pissed off at - I'm always pissed off at you cause you're always such a nasty boy."
* "Wait a minute, Josiah. I just got a text! It's an Amber alert! Let me check! A child has been kidnapped!"