Jonah

> "*How do I feel? I feel like I’m being crushed by the weight of the moon. I feel like they sent me through the ringer on NBC’s* Survivor*, and then voted me off the island because I was a big threat to the other guys. I feel like I got a thousand paper cuts all over my body, and a gypsy’s playing me like an accordion but his fingers are covered in lemon juice. I feel like somewhere out there, my ex-BFF, Julian, is H.U.-ing with my ex-gf, Sherri, and he’s just licking his lips thinking about the pain that he’s caused me.*"
> ― Jonah laments his lot in life.
>
>

**Jonah** is Ethan's best friend.

## Biography

Jonah was present when Julian returned with a one-hundred dollar bill he found, and joined the group in debating what they should do with it. Jonah believed they should return it to its rightful owner, but the others wanted to split it up. During the ensuing fight, Jonah cracked a bottle over Julian’s head, knocking him unconscious and scaring Ethan and Charlie into agreeing to return it. The next day, Jonah joined the boys as they happily put up flyers for the lost bill around the neighborhood. Two robbers came to claim the bill, one of which struck Julian with a baseball bat as a show of force; Jonah was appalled at the violence since he just wanted to help return the bill. After Tim arrived to give a rousing speech using Shrek as a metaphor, Jonah cheered Charlie on as he made his way to return the bill, but was shocked when Charlie tore it in half. After the robbers fled, Jonah berated Charlie for not picking up on the hint that Tim was going to attack the robbers with a watermelon so the boys could keep the money, and could’ve even used it to pay for Julian’s hospital bill.

Later, Jonah and Ethan played digital games as they waited for their idol, Wolfgang, to arrive for a sleepover. Jonah was about to call it off due to Wolfgang’s tardiness, but was surprised when he eventually showed up. Jonah and Ethan later sat down with Wolfgang after getting hammered, listening in awe and fear as Wolfgang spoke, sucking up to his coolness. At some point thereafter, he videotaped Wolfgang getting his hair brushed by his dad.

One day, Jonah arrived to tell Ethan he was in a bad bike wreck. Though he asked for some lemonade, Ethan gives him cereal and milk instead, watching patiently as Jonah painfully downed it. He asked him what happened in the accident, and Jonah proceeded to tell a long story. Ethan was reminded of a similar story and went into detail about it as well. They experienced some trauma afterwards, but eventually settled down.

Some time later, Jonah sat down with Ethan to discuss Julian’s upcoming 18th birthday party. Tim arrived and sat the boys down to talk about Julian. Though they excitedly asked about the party, Tim was forced to tell them that they couldn’t attend due to being younger and more immature than Julian, who had to learn to grow up. To their incredulity, Tim made them sign a legal restraining order to stay away from Julian until they both turned 18 themselves, under penalty of death. Satisfied, Tim apologized, leaving the boys behind to contemplate what just happened. Afterwards, Ethan lamented their current situation, but Jonah suggested that they try and fake their way into the party by pretending to be 18. Though Ethan asked Jonah how they would learn how to be older, they’re interrupted by Charlie and a crazed lunatic who violently barge into the room. Their chase resumed outside, and Jonah rushes out to aid Charlie, who has procured his own pistol. Jonah later picked it up and engaged in a moving standoff with the man while Charlie tried to calm him down between them. Jonah ditched the pistol and made a run for it but was punched in the back, causing him to slam into a door. After Ethan’s alleged death at the end of the skirmish, Jonah, Charlie, and the man sat down on the curb, exhausted. After the man revealed what it’s like to be mature, Jonah had a change of heart, and realized that he still liked being immature.

On another day at Julian’s house, Jonah, in violation of the contract, came downstairs to tell Julian he brought some Diet Cokes, but was startled to see Zeke, who abruptly stopped a vigorous, shirtless exercise routine once he noticed Jonah. They were shocked to see each other like this. Julian then yelled at Jonah to get out of the room.

About one year later, Jonah arrived at the Hollywood House to help Ethan, who survived his gunshot wound, plan for Julian’s 19th birthday party that day. Despite Ethan’s warnings that Tim would kill Jonah, still a minor, for breaching the contract, Jonah didn’t want to let Julian down, and both boys resolved to throw a great party for their friend. When Charlie showed up, he and Jonah moved to set up, but they all had to hide after there was a knock at the door, believing it to be Julian. However, the crazy man arrived instead and started to fire an AK-47 inside the house before it jammed, providing the boys with time to escape into the backyard, where Jonah and Ethan secured two pistols from a secret compartment to use for self-defense. Charlie got an idea and left them behind, instructing them to hold off the man for two hours; confused, Jonah and Ethan took cover as the man hunted them down. Despite the man eventually falling asleep, Jonah lamented their inevitable deaths and the fact they’d never see Julian again. Taking inspiration from how Julian would act in this situation, however, Jonah made his presence known to the man and demanded he kill him in order to spare Ethan’s life. Formerly his friend, the man struggled to pull the trigger, despite Jonah holding the muzzle to his own forehead, prepared to sacrifice himself for his friends. Charlie fortunately arrived and murdered the man, saving Jonah and Ethan. Despite his misgivings, Jonah assured Ethan that he took a big risk by inviting he and Charlie to the party.

For Julian’s 20th birthday, Jonah met with Ethan, Jake, Austin, and Zeke to plan the party. Jonah asked about getting liquor, which Austin said he could do. Outside, Jonah and the crew set up supplies and snacks, danced, and gave props to each other. They celebrated when Austin announced that liquor had arrived, only to discover that an alien known as Licker arrived instead. Initially terrified by the strange creature, Jonah joined the dance party after discovering he was harmless. However, he grew disgusted after the creature defecated on the ground, but was soon reminded that he had forgotten to invite Julian to his own party.

Some time later, back at Ethan’s house, Jonah read a passage from *Wuthering Heights* to Ethan, who read from *Jane Eyre*. When they both were finished, Wolfgang arrived, startling the two. Later, Wolfgang laid down and toyed with a knife while trying to act cool in front of them. Jonah told a bad joke about Wolfgang’s new lameness, which Ethan disapproved of.

At some point, Jonah practiced his stand-up routine about his ex-girlfriend, Sherri, in front of Zeke, who disapproved of his jokes. Jonah then interjected with a particularly dark joke about burying himself and Sherri alive, which Zeke ended up liking. Jonah then eloquently related how he felt about Sherri, especially that she’d been hooking up with his then ex-best friend, Julian. Suddenly, Julian 2.0 arrived and taunted Jonah with a rap, which Jonah thought wasn’t a real song. Jonah was uncomfortable with his presence, especially after he reminded him of when he used to go to the Apple Store with Sherri; he cracked a joke on the spot about it, but no one reacted. The group broke out into a song about Sherri, and during it Ethan delivered a picture to Jonah, which was revealed to be Sherri in anime form. Jonah tossed the picture in disgust, heartbroken.

## Stills

Jonah and the gang.Jonah meets Wolfgang.Jonah and Ethan discuss Julian's upcoming party.Jonah and Ethan figure out how to get older.Jonah after a long battle.Jonah says hi.Jonah and Ethan relaxed.Jonah finds Zeke shirtless.Jonah knows the risks.Jonah dares the hitman to blow his brains out.Jonah proud of his friends.Jonah helps plan another party.Jonah looks at Ethan.Jonah screaming at Wolfgang's arrival.Jonah reveals that his ex-girlfriend is anime.
## List of appearances

* *The Windfall*
* *Wolfgang*
* *Julian's 18th Birthday*
* *Good Friends*
* *Tryouts*
* *Julian's 19th Birthday*
* *Julian's 20th Birthday*
* *Wolfgang Returns*
* *I Will Have All That I Want*