Ed's Baby, Papa's Maybe

**Ed's Baby, Papa's Maybe** is episode 82a of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on February 2, 2002.

## Synopsis

Joey lays an egg, causing him to think he's going to become a parent. At first, he is absolutely horrified, but then he grows fond of his upcoming "baby".

## Cast (WIP)

* Wayne Grayson as Joey
* Andrew Rannells as Edward, The Narrator and Wasps
* Josh Peck as Eric
* Gary Sauls as Constantinos, Robbie
* Edward Felker as Stanley, Rico, Igor and Abdul
* Dan Green as Dallas

## Trivia

* Although this episode premiered in 2002, it was produced in 2001 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.
* The title is based on the idiom, "mama's baby, papa's maybe".

## Transcript

(The episode opens with a shot of the Lakeside City Park)

**The Narrator:** Ah, the Lakeside City Park. Where the wasps buzz about, and the allergies are almost as common.

(The Lucky 6 - except Joey - is seen looking at the sky with binoculars)

**Edward:** Now pay close attention, gentlemen. Wasp watching is an activity that requires patience and empathy.

**Constantinos:** (staring into the sun) Uhh, isn't it bad to stare directly into the sun?

**Eric:** (doing the same) No. It's pretty bright, which must mean my future is as well.

(They remove their binoculars, and we see a disturbing closeup of their burnt, bloodshot eyes)

**Stanley:** Edward, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we've been out here for three hours and never saw a single wasp.

**Edward:** Don't worry, Stanley. There's still plenty of rare species that could come out. (flips open a wasp watching guidebook) But are you sure you haven't seen anything? No Gold-Crested Wasp Killer?

(It flies by)

**All:** Nope.

**Edward:** No Dragonus Germanica?

(A wasp-dragon hybrid flies by as well, breathing out fire)

**All:** Nope.

**Edward:** Not even the common South American Venomous Red-Fisted Wasp?

**Constantinos:** Not a one.

**Edward:** Well, we're bound to see *something*.

**Constantinos:** Oh! Oh, look!

(Everybody is in amazement at what they're seeing: Rico and Robbie having a picnic, eating anchovy pizzas)

**Edward:** Not one, but two spheniscidaes! (sets down his binoculars; not amused) Oh wait, that's just Rico and Robbie.

**Eric:** Hey, wait! I think I found something!

**Edward:** Description?

(Through Eric's binoculars, we see someone walking in swimming fins)

**Eric:** I see...webbed feet.

**Edward:** Check.

(The camera pans above to reveal that it's Joey, who is whistling and wearing a tank top and a duck floatie)

**Eric:** It might be able to float in water, and it tweets out a strange nasal sound. Hey, wait, it's Joey!

**Constantinos:** Wait, Joey's a duck?

**Edward:** (scoffs; sarcastically) Perfect specimen.

**Joey:** (hears this and gets angry) I am NOT a duck, capiche? I'm just wearing this so I don't drown or whatever.

**Eric:** I dunno, Joey. You look like a duck to me. (puts down his binoculars) Wait! Do ducks lay eggs?

**Joey:** Quick biology lesson, you moron - I am a human! And (points to Rico and Robbie) these two over there, (runs over to them) these are birds!

**Edward:** You mean penguins, which has the scientific name of spheniscidae.

**Joey:** Yeah, whatever! These guys molt, they've got tiny brains, they live in the stupid, boring North Pole, and they even lay eggs.

(Rico and Robbie are visibly angry at this)

**Joey:** It's a horrifying situation.

**Rico:** And just what's so horrifying about egg-laying?

**Robbie:** Yeah!

(Beat)

**Robbie:** Penguins lay eggs?

**Joey:** All I'm saying is, stop being an idiot, Eric, otherwise you'll end up like Thing 1 and Thing 2 over here.

**Edward:** Actually, Joey, penguins live in the *South* Pole, not the North.

**Eric:** You still look like a duck to me.

**Joey:** (screams in anger and walks away) Some people will never learn!

(Fade to black)

(The next morning, we see the sun rising over the boys' dorm, followed by the camera cutting to its interior)

**Igor:** (inside Joey's "room") Should we wake him?

(We see Joey snoring, tucked in his sleeping bag)

**Abdul:** I don't know, he looks real different today.

**Igor:** Joey? Good morning.

(Joey slowly opens one eye)

**Joey:** Get out of my room. I slept funny.

**Igor:** I'll say.

**Joey:** (fully wakes up) Alright, wise guys, tell me why you're in here.

(The camera pans out to reveal that there's something huge inside his sleeping bag)

**Joey:** HEY!

**Abdul:** You *did* sleep funny. (he and Igor laugh)

**Joey:** (slides out of his sleeping bag) W-w-what happened last night?!

**Igor:** Oh, don't worry, Joey. I leave accidents in my bed *all* the time.

**Joey:** THIS WAS NO ACCIDENT! (places his ear against whatever's lumped inside the sleeping bag, and a heartbeat is heard) Guys? I don't know what this is! (leans his head away as he prepares to zip it open) Here we go...

(He slowly zips it open, and he screams at what he sees: an egg. The camera zooms onto it thrice as the sounds of a rooster clucking, a duck quacking, and a rooster clucking again respectively play)

**Joey:** AN EGG!!!!

**Igor:** AN EGG!!!!

**Abdul:** JOEY LAID AN EGG!!!!

**Joey:** (shivers) WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!

**Abdul:** Are you gonna lay another one?

**Igor:** We don't have to watch, do we?

**Joey:** (nervously) The Joe man walks calmly over here... (walks to the corner) he's gonna close his eyes, and when he opens them, he'll wake up from this nightmare! (shuts them tightly and shivers)

**Abdul:** Sneaky!

**Joey:** ***WAKE UP, JOEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*** (opens his eyes; calmly) There, it worked. (turns around) Yup, just another day at Lakeside City School. Good morning, morons-who-broke-into-my-room-while-I-was-sound-asleep!

**Igor and Abdul:** Good morning, Joey!

**Joey:** And what better way to start the day, than by making my- (remembers something) ***EGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

(The shot of the camera zooming onto the egg thrice is reused as - again - the sounds of a rooster clucking, a duck quacking, and a rooster clucking again respectively play)

**Igor:** (this is reused as well) AN EGG!!!!

**Abdul:** JOEY LAID AN EGG!!!!

**Joey:** (pops up behind them and literally zips their lips shut) Alright, listen up, you two: I'm gonna bring this mutation to Nurse Fracture, (tightly grabs their zipped lips) and you're gonna keep your mouths SHUT!

(The duo nods, and the camera transitions to Nurse Fracture's office, where Joey is repeatedly ringing the desk's bell while carrying the egg. Nurse Fracture rolls over via her chair and grabs Joey's hand to stop the ringing)

**Joey:** (frantically sweating) Hi...

**Nurse Fracture:** Bandage?

**Joey:** No...n-n-no... (nervously chuckles)

**Nurse Fracture:** (sighs) Pain reliever?

**Joey:** Nuh-uh!

**Nurse Fracture:** Lollipop?

**Joey:** No, no lollipops. (briefly hyperventilates) Y-you see, I've got this..."friend", who...umm... (nervously chuckles again)

**Nurse Fracture:** (flipping through papers on her clipboard, not interested) Mmmmmmm-hmmmmmmmm.

**Joey:** So, as...uh...a woman of science, you've seen a lot of...uh... (stutters incoherently)

**Nurse Fracture:** Mmmmmmmmm-hmmmmmmmm.

**Joey:** (gives up and raises the egg) ***NURSE FRACTURE!!!!! I'M HAVING A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!***

(Nurse Fracture becomes shocked)