No Guts No Glori (Genderbent)

[The episode begins in Linka's bedroom. She is relaxing in her bed drinking some pink lemonade.]

Linka: [to the audience] Ah, Friday night. We all survived another week of school. Now it's time to kick back, and play a brand new video game with the guys. Loni, Luke, Lane and I finally saved up enough for that new Ninja Turtles game. Ah, I can almost smell it from here. [Sniffs in deep, but then starts coughing in disgust.] Oh no! It's dad's stinky cologne. That can only mean one thing... [Linka checks her calander] Date night! Which can only mean one other thing...

[Linka runs to the front door. Her father Rico, is already shutting the door so we can't see him or his wife.]

Rico: [as he shuts the door] Loki's in charge. Do what he says. Bye! [shuts the door]

Linka: Noooooo!!! He gets a sick thrill from bossing us around! In this house, we call him the King of-

Loki: [from upstairs] No! [Take away Lynn's football] No sports! [Take's Leif's frog and sets her outside] No frogs! [approaches Loni, Luke, Lane and Linka who are sitting together on the coach playing their new Ninja Turtles video game] No-

Loni: Way! Just ninja kick the dumb rabbit!

Loki: [unplugs the TV] And no video games!

[Loki re-enters the foyer area now wearing a military uniform.  He blows a whistle to summon his siblings and the family pets into a neat line in front of him.]

Loki: At ease! [everyone relaxes] JUST KIDDING! NOBODY IS TO BE AT EASE IN MY PRESENCE! [everyone regains their attention] As you know, Mom and Dad left me in charge. That means, you have to do as I say, whether you're tall, short, or covered in fur and can only understand the word "sit". [The pets all sit down on command, except for Wanda who tips over on her side.]

[Loki then takes out a chart which he has written a very simple schedule on.]

Loki: Now, here is our schedule for this evening. 6:00 to 7:00: Sitting on bed with arms folded. 7:00 to 7:30: Chow. 7:30 to 8:00: Thorough cleaning of mess hall. 8:00: Staring at wall until falling asleep. Everyone got that?

Everyone except Lexx: Sir yes sir!

Lexx: [sarcastic] I'm a little deaf in one ear, would you mind repeating that?

Loki: [pulls out a megaphone and uses it directly in Lexx's face] INSUBORDINATION OF ANY KIND WILL NOT TOLERATED! HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR!!! [the force of Loki's rant blows Lexx back a bit and ruins his hair and costume.] Now, dismissed! [everyone hurries to their rooms upstairs]

[Later, Linka quietly opens her bedroom door. She is holding Gianna the hamster.]

Linka: [places a note in Gianna's hamster ball] Hey Gianna, want a snack girl? [tosses Gianna's snack over to the twin's bedroom]

[Gianna rolls over to the twins. After the twins get the message, they send Gianna, one by one, to the other brothers. The brother then make their way to Linka's bedroom. However, Loki's roommate Loni, has some trouble.]

Loki: [practicing his golf putting with a plastic cup][notices Loni] Loni what are you doing?

Loni: I'm not Loni, I'm wearing sunglasses. [points to a pair of black sunglasses he's wearing. Amusingly he's still wearing the white shades he always wears in his hair.]

Loki: [sighs] You've got five minutes to do your business...

[Loni finally sneaks out to Linka's room. The other brothers are already there.]

Lexx: This better be good. You know how much trouble we'll be in if Loki finds out we're not in our rooms?"

Linka: Rooms? More like prison cells! Every time Loki's left in charge, he makes our lives miserable. Well, I say no more! It's time to take back our Friday nights! Lynn, do you like it when Loki takes your football mid-game?

Lynn: It really sucks.

Linka: And Leif, how about when Loki makes you leave your frogs outside.

Leif: [sad] I miss them already...

Linka: And Leon. what about when Loki won't let you run around naked? [Leon takes off his diaper and blows a raspberry.] Then let's do something about it!

The Brothers: Yeah!

[Back in Loki's bedroom, Loki is still practicing his putting.]

Loki: [to himself] This is it... Birdie putt. If Loki Loud makes this, he wins it all... [Just as Loki is hitting the ball, Luke's guitar goes off, causing him to miss.] Dang it!

[Annoyed, Loki heads out into the hall where he sees baby Leon playing with Luke's guitar.]

Loki: [annoyed] Leon, how many time do I have to tell you- [hears something behind him] Uh oh...

Lynn: Dog pile! [the brothers all dog pile Loki] Now let's give him ol' Loud brother's dutch oven... [the brothers all unleash the Loud Brother dutch oven, obscuring the hallway in a cloud of stink. Linka then comes in with a hairdryer to blow the stink cloud away.]

Loki: You guys suck...

Linka: [points to Loki at the bottom of the pile] Your power trip is over! We're taking back our Friday nights!

Loki: [confused] Power trip?

Linka: Just admit it. You get a sick thrill out of bossing us around.

Loki: [offended] You think I enjoy this? Unfortunately, I'm the only one who can keep this house from ending up in a pile of rubble!  It's not like any of you could do it.

Leif: Nuh-huh! Linka could.

Linka: [surprised] I could?

Loki: [condescendingly] Linka in charge? Ha! She couldn't lead Clara to the litter box. [We then get a shot of Clara peeing on the carpet, despite being right next to the litter box.]

Linka: [offended] Oh yeah? Challenge accepted! [takes Loki's whistle away] Take him away!

[The brothers all end the dog pile, and tie Loki to a chair.]

Loki: [as he is being carried away] You won't last five minutes! [laughs maniacally as his brothers lock him in his room.]

Linka: Lexx, [hands Lexx Loki's putter] guard this door. No one goes in, no one come out.

Lexx: [roleplaying] Understood, my lady.

Linka: Say goodbye to the King of No... [tosses Loki's whistle in the trash] and hello to the Queen of Yes!

[The brothers all cheer.]

Linka: [hands Lynn his football] Yes to sports. [opens the front door letting Leif's frog back inside] Yes to frogs. [Joins Loni, Luke, and Lane back on the coach.] And yes to video games.

[The gamers start the Ninja Turtles game, however once they start, Loni's turtle starts acting funny...]

Loni: [scared] Ack! Spider! [Lane is pranking Loni with a toy spider on a stick.]

Linka: [annoyed] Knock it off Lane! [takes the toy spider away from Lane so Loni can focus again]

[Just as they are about to restart the game, Leif's frog jumps into Linka's hair.]

Linka: [more annoyed] Not now! Go play with Leif. [Sets the frog on the coffee table. The frog quickly hops away.  Suddenly, an explosion can be heard upstairs.][losing her patience] What now?

[Recognizing that the explosion came from Levi's bedroom, Linka quickly heads up there and bangs on Levi's door.]

Linka: Levi! What happened!?

Levi: [opens his door, he is covered in soot and some smoke from his bedroom spills out into the hallway] I was attempting to resequence my specimen's genetic structure. However, it would appear that I made slight miscalculation in relation to the composition of its chemical therapy treatment... [Just then, a giant tactical reaches out of Levi's room and pulls him back inside] Whoa!

Linka: Just keep that thing on a leash...

[Linka heads back downstairs and is horrified to see baby Leon climbing on top of the bookshelf.]

Linka: LEON! STOP!

[Leon falls off the edge of the bookshelf, but Linka is able to catch him just in time. Linka then notices that Leif is fishing in the fishbowl.]

Linka: Leif! You can't fish in there. Those are for pets. [takes Leif's fishing rod away. She then notices that Leon has crawled away, so she uses the fishing rod to real him back in.]

[Lynn walks by laying fresh sod in the middle of the living room.]

Linka: [getting angry] Lynn, what the heck are you doing!?

Lynn: [continues laying down the sod] We need some good turf in here if we want get good practice in. [lays down the last bit of turf and takes out his football] Lars! Go long man! [thows the football off camera, we can hear the sound of something breaking.]

Lars: [monotone] Ouch...

Leif: [off camera] Food fight!

[Leif starts tossing food into the living room. Meanwhile Lane is back to harassing Loni with the toy spider. Loni is defending himself by holding up a sofa cushion as a shield.]

Loni: Stay back spider! [pulls out a can of bug spray] I got a can of bug spray and I ain't afraid to use it! [Loni uses the can of bug spray, but he sprays it backwards by mistake.]

[Linka quickly checks the dining room. She finds Lars hiding a fortress made of diapers.]

Linka: Lars! What are you doing with all those diapers?

Lars: Saving you... [Lars quickly pulls Linka into his fortress just before she is hit by a barage of meatballs from Leif.]

Linka: [notices that Leif has shot a hole in Lars' fortress] Diaper wall breach!

[Leif throws more food at the fortress, Lars quickly plugs the hole in his fort with Leon's butt.]

Leon: Hehehe...

[Linka hurries back to the living room where she see that Luke has left the game and set up his massive collection of amps.]

Luke: [turns the volume up to Supermax] FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK!!!

Linka: [horrified] Luke! [slow motion] Nooooooooo!

[Luke strums a single loud cord. It's so loud that it blows Linka clear across the living room. As she gets up, she remembers what Loki said.]

Loki's echo: Linka in charge? Ha! She couldn't lead Clara to the litter box...

[Linka looks to her left and sees that Clara is peeing on the carpet, despite being right next to the litter box.]

Linka: Seriously Clara? [loses her patience] That's it! [unplugs Luke's amps] No guitar playing! [takes Leif's food away] No food fights! [takes Lynn's football] No football! And no science experiments! [takes Levi's beakers and tosses them outside, causing a small explosion]

[The brothers are all stunned by Linka's sudden change of heart.]

Lynn: Who do you think you are? Loki?

[The brothers all ignore Linka and go back to enjoying their Friday night.]

Linka: [defeated] No. I'm not. [realizes something] Loki!

[Linka heads up to Loki's room, but Lexx is still there guarding the door. He has changed into his knight costume, and is still wielding Loki's putter.]

Lexx: [roleplaying] Halt! By order of the Queen of Yes, none shall pass!

Linka: [dumbfounded] What!? I'm the Queen of Yes! Now let me in!

Lexx: [roleplaying] You are not the Queen of Yes. Your unfair laws and punishments betray you for what you really are, the Queen of No!

Linka: [losing her patience] You're just making this up as you go, aren't you...

Lexx: [roleplaying] I'm gonna need you to step back, madam.

Linka: [has had enough] Okay, game's over Lexx, I'm going into Loki's room... [Linka moves to push Lexx aside, but he quickly whacks Linka's shin with the putter. The putter gets badly bent.] Ow! [Linka rubs her sore shin before quickly recovering] Fine, be that way! [Linka walks away, downstairs and then outside]

[Meanwhile, inside Loki's room, Loki has already freed himself. He is passing the time by playing a video game on his smart phone.]

Linka: [from outside] Loki! Loki! [Linka climbs into Loki's room from the window.]

Loki: [puts his phone away] Ha! I knew you wouldn't last five minutes.

Linka: [stunned] It's only been five minutes? [settles down and explains the situation] It's a mad house down there! You've got to help me!

Loki: Nah, I'm thinking Linka. You handle it.

Linka: [defeated] I can't! You're the only one who can keep this house from ending up in a pile of rubble. [another explosion is heard downstairs] Or ashes...

Loki: And...

Linka: I couldn't lead Clara to the litter box...

Loki: And...

Linka: I'm sorry...

Loki: [satisfied] That's all I needed to hear. [puts his military shads back on] Let's roll!

[They open the door, but Lexx is still standing guard]

Linka: I don't know how to get past him. He's tougher than he looks...

Loki: Let me show you a little trick...

[Loki takes out a five dollar bill, folds it into a paper airplane, and throws it into the hallway.]

Lexx: [sees the flying bill] Money! [chases after the bill]

Linka: [dumbfounded] Why didn't I think of that...

[Loki and Linka head downstairs. The house is still in chaos.]

Linka: See what I mean...

Loki: [calmly] Aw, I've seen worse. [pulls out a new whistle and blows it to get everyone's attention] MOM AND DAD ARE GOING TO BE HOME IN TEN MINUTES!!!

[The brothers quickly begin cleaning everything up in a panic.]

Linka: [amazed] Brilliant!

Loki: Yeah, you learn a few tricks as you get older. [his phone rings and he quickly answers it] Hello? Uh-huh. Sure. Okay. Bye. [hangs up]

Linka: Who was that?

Loki: Mom and Dad. They're gonna be home in ten minutes...

Linka: [panicking] what are we gonna do?!

Loki: [shaken, but still confident] I got this. [points to Luke] Luke. A little clean up music?

Luke: You got it, bro!  1, 2, 3!

[Luke starts the song for the cleaning montage. All 11 siblings work together to get the house clean again. Thanks to all their hard work, the is back to its old state by the end of Luke's song.]

Luke:  [finishes his song] Goodnight, Loud house!

[The brothers all return to their rooms while Linka and Loki stay downstairs to greet their parents. Their mother, Lynette comes in first. We can't see her face, but we can see that she is tall skinny woman wearing long brown curly hair and sea green blouse and brown flats]

Lynette: [impressed with how clean the house is] Wow! I can't believe the house is still standing.

Linka: What'd you expect? Loki's in charge.

[Rico comes in next. We can't see his face as well, but we can see that he is a large muscular man with short wavy blond hair. He's wearing a salmon pink sweater and black shoes.]

Rico: So how have you kids been spending your Friday night?

Loki: [sits in the sofa and turns on the game console] Me and Linka were just about to start playing that new Ninja Turtles game we all got.

Linka: [joins Loki] [impressed] I didn't know you liked the Ninja Turtles Loki.

Loki: I've always been a fan. You know, the guys at school say that me and Leonardo sound alike...

[Loki then notices something on the floor and picks it up. It's his bent putter.]

Loki: [getting angry] Hang on just a sec Linka. [Loki pauses the game and walks upstairs with his bent putter.] LEXX IS REALLY ANNOYING!!! THIS IS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE PUTTER!

Lexx: I heard that!

[The end]