The Great Gashby/Script

* The Great Gashby
* Storyline inspired by idea from Reedman211
* Written by -Price- and DylanTBest123.

### Short Film

*A big blue title saying 'Late Night Commercials' appears. Justjeulin (Channing Tantum) and Reedman (Robin Lord Taylor) are seen in the background*. *Then the title fades to the two conversing.*

Jeulin: Yeah, I agree.

Reed: You see, its like those late night commercials. You see them, but do you buy them?

Jeulin: n-

Reed: EXACTLY! NO NO NO ONOOOO YOU DON'T ORDER IT! AND THEN THERES THOSE SWIFFER COMERCIALS, DO YOU EVER SEE SOMEONE AT THE MALL ASKING FOR ONE? NO. BUT EVERYONE LOVES PRINGLES, EVERYONE LOVES THOSE LEATHER COUCHES, AND ARE THERE LATE NIGHT COMMERCIALS ABOUT THAT? NO.

*Jeulin is shown with a scared look on his face, and the scene fades to the opening of the movie.*

### Scene 1

*The screen is entirely black, and fades to Gashon Cansaker (Danny Trejo) sitting at a desk with a blank stare on his face.*

Gashon (Voiceover): My name is Gashon Cansaker. I have no idea what that name means. I don't know who gave it to me. Ever since I was a kid, people have made fun of it, calling me names like Gashkon, or Gashcan, or Gasbomb.

*Gashon stands up with a determined look on his face.*

Gashon (Voiceover): But today is the day I show them who I really am.

*The title of the film, The Great Gashby, appears in all capital letters across the screen.*

*When we see Gashon again the scene is entirely different. Gashon is on a heavily war-torn battlefield, surrounded by multiple people, most of whom's faces we cannot see. Those we can see are* *Reedman and Kahar Zamet (Rainn Wilson), holding a lightsaber.*

Gashon: I am....

*Gashon pulls out two lightsabers from his jacket.*

Gashon: \*Voice gets louder\* The Great Gash-

*(Scene turns to a light, sunny, suburban house.)*

*A loud alarm clock interrupts Gashon, waking him up. . Gashon, tired, turns off the Alarm, and sighs. All Star by Smash Mouth then starts to play as Gashon begins his daily routine. Gashon then goes into his bathroom, the camera stops at the door as he slams it. All you can see is his door, until you hear a toilet flushing. Then the scene comes up with Gashon attempting to brush his teeth, then he drops his tooth brush in the toilet.*

*Gashon, annoyed by this, looks at the brush*.

Gashon: "Oh well..."

*The scene then goes back to the door, where this time, you hear screams of disgust and gagging, implying he still brushed his teeth until Trejo (Gashon) eventually he opens up the door and walks out of the room room mumbling swears in the mexican language.*

*(Song then goes off) The scene then cuts to Gashon walking outside, to his (broken down, rusty etc) car, when suddenly Kahar (Wilson) comes riding up to Gashons small house in a bike*

*Kahar is smiling like an idiot.*

Kahar: Hey GASHON!

*Gashon sighs.*

Gashon: Hello, Kahar.

*Kahar rides up to Gashon.*

Kahar: WHAT YA DOIN?

Gashon: Same thing I do everyday, Kahar. Suffering.

Kahar: That's funny!

*Kahar slaps his knee.*

*Right behind Gashons white fence, is Gashons next door neighbor, Xalandra Nova (Thurman). She is watering her garden.*

Xalandra: "What are you f\*\*\*ing nerds doing today?"

*Xalandra rolls her eyes*

Kahar: \*Joyfully\* Nothin'! How bout you?

Kahar: \*Whispers to Gashon\* Shes sooo hot.

*Gashon facepalms.*

Gashon: Goodbye Kahar....

*Gashon leaves in his car as All Star starts playing*.

### Scene 2

*The music stops as Gashon's car leaves the screen*
*Scene 2 opens up with Gashon walking into the front door of his job, it appears to be a diner. There are very little people at it, and many are unsatisfied with the services. Gashon then starts staring at Mirta (Amy Lee) arguing with a customer*

Blarth: (Rowan Atkinson) Um... Mam I'm pretty sure I ordered a hamburger.

Mirta (Amy Lee): \*Angrily\* And I'm pretty damn sure thats what you got.

*She is obviously angry.*

Blarth: Yeah, and I'm pretty sure I wanted HIM cooking it.

*Blarth points at one of the employees (around the age of 14-16.) (Note: Blarth is in his late 50's/early 60's) The kid then looks at Blarth, clearly frightened by Blarth. Blarth then winks.*

The young employee: THATS IT. I'M DONE. THIS CREEP COMES IN HERE EVERY WEDENSDAY AND PULLS THIS SH\*T.

*He starts running out of the diner, shoving Trejo out of his way as he leaves.*

Mirta: CANSAKER! Get over here and start frying this cowsh\*t, people are getting hungry.

*Camera then points at Gashon, he is smiling at Mirta.*

Gashon (Narrating): Oh, Mirta... One day, we will be together....

Mirta: GASHON.

*Gashon then snaps out of it.*

Gashon: Uhh....COMING.

*Gashon then walks over to the kitchen, and starts cooking.* *A montage of Gashon and Mirta doing their job is shown (With the song Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourn is playing), as a clock shows what time it is. The montage ends at 4:58*

Gashon: Well, closing time. See ya guy-

Disembodied Voice (James Franco): HOLD ON A MINUTE!

Mirta: Sorry f\*g, were clos-

*Mirta squints at the customer.*

Mirta: Ax...Axrik?

Gashon \*Whispered\* No....

*The movie then pauses, and Gashon starts narrating.*

Gashon: This, this man. He is Axrik Radum. Me and him have been enemies since the beginning of time. Trust me, I tried getting along with him. That didn't end well.

*Scene then opens up with a flashback.*

Axrik: Well Gash! You lost the best. So you have to sign up and join *it.*

*Scene then starts again.*

Axrik (Franco): Why hello, Mirta.

*Axrik winks at Mirta.*

Mirta, surprised by Radums presence says Whoa... Axrik, I, I.

Axrik: Missed me?

Anakin Xenobomber: \*Mockingly\* I bet GASHONN did!

*His friend, Tiger assassin laughs at Gashon while pointing at him.*

Axrik: Boys, boys, lay off Gashon. He's already aware of his stupidity.

*Anakin and Tiger start laughing hysterically, while Axrik chuckles.*

Mirta: So, How long are you staying in town?

Axrik: Well, I planned on permanantly moving in. Oh yeah.

*The camera changes to a close up of Gashon's face, in pure rage*.

*Dramatic music plays and slowly gets louder*

Gashon (Mentally): NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

*The dramatic music ends and the camera zooms out to show everyone in the diner staring awkwardly at Gashon.*

Gashon: What are you doing here, Axrik?

Axrik: I'm here to eat muffins and kick ass, and I'm done kicking ass for now.

Mirta: Uh, we don't serve any f\*cking muf-

Axrik: GET ME A MUFFIN!!!

Mirta: If it will make you shut up for a second....

*Mirta disappears into the room behind the counter.*

Gashon: Look Axrik, I don't care what you're really doing here, I'm going to destroy you and everyone you love for what you've done.

Axrik: Oh really, big boy? You and what army?

*The camera shifts to Gashon's face, and a city burning is faded over the image.*

Gashon: The army that is preparing its forces this very moment. Soon, they will strike. The sun will be blotted out by their aerial forces. Their navy will turn the oceans red. Their ground forces will burn everything that moves to the ground until there-

*The city's image disappears, and the camera pans out to show that Mirta has returned, and that Axrik is eating a muffin.*

Axrik: Okay.

*The scene ends with Gashon, walking out of the Diner, getting ready to go home.*

### Scene 3

*The scene opens up with Gashon, yet again sleeping, and dreaming about the Battlefield.*

Mysterious Figure (Danny McBride): GASHON!!! GASHON!!!

*Gashon is shown, gashping,* *watching a bullet fly torwards his head, in slow motion while McBride continues to yell his name.*

*Gashon is then shown waking up, it is revealed Kahar is yelling his name from outside of his house, Gashon then looks at his alarm clock, and it reveals its 1:00. Gashon slept in. Camera cuts to Kahar, waiting for Gashon while All Star is once again playing, this time at high speed. Within seconds, Gashon runs to his car. But this time, it doesn't start.*

Gashon: "DAMMIT! \*Swear words in Mexican\* NOW HOW WILL I GET TO WORK?"

*Camera then points at Kahar smiling at Gashon. Gashon then looks at Kahar.*

Gashon: "Oh please no..."

*Scene then cuts to Gashon riding Kahars bicycle, with Kahar (Wearing a pink sweater) running behind Kahar. Many civillians (including Xalandra) are shown laughing at Gashon. In fact, Blarth, Reedman, The Young Employee Blarth creeped out, Mirta, and Axrik are all standing in a line laughing at Gashon. Gashon then gets off the bike, only to see Kahar joining in on the laughing. Everyone starts chanting things like "Gashcan" and other nicknames. Gashon then gets on his knees, and once again screams "NO"*

*Gashon then wakes up, screaming NO even while hes awake.*

Gashon: THANK GOD THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

*Scene then cuts to Gashon, eating a taco with meat, cheese, and chocolate syrup while watching spongebob (The "Pickles" episode) while laughing.*
*Suddenly, the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic theme song begins to play very loudly. Gashon's eyes widen as he quickly reaches into his back pocket and pulls his iPhone, the source of the music and unlocks it (his code is 2222) to end the song before anyone notices*. *While he goes to turn off the song, he notice he has just recieved a text. It was from Mirta. The text is shown on-screen.*

Text: Hey, can u meet me at the slenderville motel? thx.

*Gashon then looks at the camera, grinning hillariously, the song I'm Feeling Good by James Brown then starts playing and Gashon starts dancing. After a few seconds, he recieves a new text. Once again, from Mirta.*

Text: Goddamit. Wrong person, I meant 2 txt axrik.

*Gashon then slams his head across the door of his house. Suddenly, Kahar appears right outside the (screen) door. Kahars random appearance startles Gashon, making him stumble back a few steps and trip.*

Kahar: WHOA, GASHON, ARE YOU OKAY?

*Kahar walks to Gashon, and notices he is knocked out. Kahar then drags Gashon upstairs, to his bedroom. While he is doing this, The scene fades to black.*
*The black screen then fades back to the scene, this time it is in Gashons point of view.*

Gashon: "How... Did I get up here...?

Kahar: I dragged you up here *Note: Kahar is making a face that resembles what "The Gaither Face o\_o" would be.*

Kahar: HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU HAVE A VIEW OF XALANDRAS BEDROOM WINDOW FROM UP HERE?

Gashon: Pervert. Owww... *Gashon then feels his head.*

Gashon: I think I need to go to the doctor...

Kahar: GOOD! Now we can take a ride in my new car.

Gashon: Wait, new car?

*Scene then cuts to Kahar's car, a 2013 SRT Viper.*

Kahar: Bada$$ as foe.ek isn't it?

Gashon: When did you start even trying to swear?

*Gashon and Kahar then enter the car, and Kahar pulls out of the driveway, and starts driving to the Slenderville Hospital.*

Gashon: Kahar, somedays I think y- Wait. What are you doing?

*Camera then shows Kahar, smoking a weed joint.*

Gashon: WHAT THE HELL WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

Kahar: "Want some?"

Gashon: \*Silence for 5 seconds\* Don't tell anyone about this.

*Kahar then turns on his radio, and turns the sound up to the max. The song playing is F\*\*\*ing Problems by 2chainz*.

Kahar: GASH HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED GTA?

Gashon: NO.

Kahar: ME NEITHER, BUT WE ARE ABOUT TO NOW.

*Kahar then starts driving at high speeds, the duo are now laughing.*

Gashon: WE ARE SO GETTING PULLED OVER.

Kahar: NOT IF WE DON'T STOP.

*Police sirens are then heard. Kahar, contradicting himself, then pulls over. Song now ends.*

Gashon: DAMMIT WHY DID YOU PULL OVER.

Kahar: HOLLY SHISIT WE ARE GONNA DIE ANAL JUICE FUFNGAEGBAERBGAUOEO?

*Kryyton, a policeman then walks out of the car ready to arrest the two.*

Kryyton (Ryan Sheckler): Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

Kahar: (chuckling) CUZ I'M BLACK.

Kryyton: (Trying not to laugh) Is that weed I smell?

Gashon: (laughing) WHY YA WANT SOME?

Kryyton: (Angry) Thats it. Get out. Of. The. Car.

*Scene then cuts too Kahar and Gashon both in a jail cell. Kahar crying, and Gashon clearly angry.*

Gashon: KAHAR, FOR ONE, WHY DID YOU DO THAT, AND WHO SOLD YOU THIS STUFF?

Kahar: (Sobbing) Axrik...

Gashon: WHY DID YOU GIVE YOUR MONEY TO **HIM**????

Kahar: (Crying Hysterically) HE GAVE THEM TO ME...

Gashon: Wait... why did he give this stuff to you?

Kahar: (Crying) He said so he'd get you in prison... (Sobbing) He said I'd be free to go.

Gashon: YOU TRAITOR.

*Kahar keeps crying.* *Wuher Moseisley walks by the jail cells.*

Wuher (Tom Selleck): QUIT YOUR DAMN CRYING.

Bane (Harrison Ford): Alright, Wuher s-

Knight (Ken Jeong): aid you are free

Bane: to go. Would you quit finishing

Knight: My sentences.

*Bane then slaps Knight across the face, and opens up their jail cells, letting them go free. Kahar and Gashon then drive home... on Kahar's bicycle*.

### Scene 4

*It's the next day, at 7 AM, and Gashon is seen sleeping when a knock is heard on the door*. *Gashon rolls over and mumbles something in Spainish Mexican. The knocking becomes louder and louder until Gashon finally groggily gets up (shirtless and in pink bunny pajama pants) and opens the door by pulling it inwards.*

*Kahar is outside in a speedo.*

Gashon: DAMMIT KAHAR, THE SUN ISN'T EVEN UP.

Kahar: I know.

Gashon: What. The. F\*\*\* are you wearing...

Kahar: Sexy isn't it?

Gashon: Get out of here you \*\*\*\*ing backstabber.

*Gashon slams the door and turns to go back to bed, but before he can Kahar opens the door by pulling in the other way.*

Gashon: Wait, how did you get in...?

Kahar: Door goes both ways.

Gashon: Just like you.

Kahar: Look, is this about wearing a speedo? If so I'm sorry.

Gashon: No Kahar. You see, when you betray a friend he won't exactly welcome you with open arms.

Kahar: Okay.

*Kahar falls backwards without moving any muscle in his body, and still doesn't move when Gashon closes the door.*

*Gashon thoughtfully "hmms" to himself, and walks into his bedroom.*

*The scene cuts to a few minutes later when Gashon is wearing a black jacket and black pants. He pulls a hockey mask out of the jacket's jacket pocket and puts it on. Peeking out his front window, it is seen that Kahar is still lying there in a vegatative state. Gashon laughs evily to himself, then walks out his back door.*

*Approaching the fence between his and Kahar's house, Gashon discovers the fence is almost twice as tall as him. The camera, in the same position, cuts to him pulling out his sofa, then his bed, then a chair. Finally, he stacks the three, stands on the chair (which is on the top), looks over into Kahar's backyard, and immediately falls off the chair over the fence.*

*Gashon is shown making what would be the real life equivalent of the "o\_o" face.*

*The camera shifts downwards, and it is discovered that he landed butt-first on a giant pile of dog turds.*

Gashon: Disgusting....

*He then gets up, trying not to slip in anymore of the turds.*

### Scene 5

*We now see Kahar's house from the inside. It looks like a mansion, and is very clean. A door opens on the right side of the screen and Gashon sticks his head through the opening. The camera shifts to Gashon's face, in pure awe at how impeccably perfect the mansion looks.*

Gashon: It's....Beautiful....

*Gashon looks down at his pants.*

Gashon: HOW DARE YOU ATTEMPT TO RUIN SUCH PERFECTION!

*The scene shifts to the original camera angle, where we see Gashon enter Kahar's house with no pants. (Nothing private is shown.)*

Gashon: This is Kahar's house?

*The entire room starts slowly glowing brighter until Gashon is forced to temporarily cover his eyes.*

Gashon: How is that even physically possible....

Ghandi (Keegan-Michael Key): How is this even physically possible?

*Gashon turns, and the camera switches to a view showing Ghandi from Gashon's point of view. Ghandi is meditating on a cloud in front of a TV playing Assassin's Creed.*

Gashon: On a scale of 1 to 10, how high am I right now?

Ghandi: Weasel.

Gashon: Yeah.... Okay.

*The camera cuts to Gashon's foot. A black liquid substance comes to surround it.*

Gashon: Oh my God, Kahar is on his man-period isn't he....

Ghandi: I do not know. But whatever this is, you must follow it.

*Ghandi and his cloud dissipate into thin air.*

Gashon (Whispered) : El ángels....

*Gashon walks up the spiral staircase the black substance is seen still pouring down from.* *The source seems to be a room. Gashon sneaks up to it on his tiptoes. There is a painting on the wall. Taking a quick glance into the room, the camera and Gashon see there is nobody in there. Walking inside to observe the painting, Gashon frowns.*

Gashon: What the hell is this? This is literally the worst painting I've seen in my entire-

*A pair of arms make a painting come true.*

*The camera switches to Gashon's point of view, his hands pulling off the hockey mask that fortunately blocked most of the substance. Gashon clears his eyes, and sees Xalandra Nova.*

Nova: GASHON?

Gashon (At the same time): NOVA?

Gashon: What are you doing here? This is Kahar's friggin house!

Nova: I could ask you the same thing!

*They stare at each other for about 10 seconds.*

Nova: What are you doing here? This is Kahar's friggin house!

Gashon: Ghandi told me to.

Nova: Oh damn, what did he tell you to do?

Gashon: He just told me to come up here and follow this.... What is this stuff anyway?

Nova: Oil. I'm burning this place,

*Nova holds up another one of Kahar's sketches for* *a few seconds.*

Gashon: What the heck? That doesn't even look important.

Nova: What it is, must never be exposed to humanity. With any luck by destroying it I can destroy the future.

Gashon: What?

Nova: Kahar can paint the future.

Gashon: Sucks to be the future....

Nova: Now if you'll excuse me...

*Nova reaches into a back pocket and pulls out a lighter.*

Nova: I have a life to save.

Kahar: NO!!

*Kahar is seen in the doorway next to Ghandi, who now has only the upper half of his body and is floating on another cloud.*

Kahar: OH MY GOD GASHON YOU AND NOVA?

Gashon: Oh my crap this isn't what it looks like-

Ghandi: You weren't making out?

Nova: We were making our *way* out.

*The camera shifts to Nova, who has somehow created a perfect circular hole in the wall. She jumps out backwards, but before she hits the ground she begins to fly away with clearly nothing that could carry her in the sky.*

Nova: IIIIIMAAAAGGGGGINNNNAATTTTIIIIOOOONNNNNN

*Everyone suddenly realizes the house is still on fire and jumps out of the hole.*

*The camera shifts to a dramatic slow-motion moment of Gashon, Kahar, and Ghandi jumping out of the house. As they fall, a bird poops on Ghandi.*

*Back to real time, the trio lands on the ground. Ghandi is apparently dead with bird turds on his face.*

Kahar: Holy crap.....

*Gashon then snaps out of it, this whole thing was a hallucination. He is still standing in the same place he was at the beginning of the scene.*

Gashon: On second thought. Lets not rob Kahar's sh\*t

*Scene then fades to black.*

### Scene 6

*Scene then fades back, this time, Axrik is standing in a dark lair. Anakin and Tiger then start walking up to Axrik.*

Axrik: Did you finish the job?

Anakin: Yeah, we did. Should we bring "it" in now?

Tiger: BY IT HE MEANS MIRTA BY THE WAY!

Axrik: \*Sighing and facepalming\* Yes.

*Anakin and Tiger then walk off screen, and come back 10 seconds later. While Axrik is shown waiting on screen, many things such as screaming violence and swearing can be heard in the background. Mirta is then shown on screen.*

Mirta: Let. Me. Go. Now.

Axrik: Pfft, don't worry. We'll be happy to let you go. Once we lure *him* here.

*The scene then cuts to Gashon*

*Gashon is shopping at Wal-Mart where he is seen eyeing the victoria's secret section. Kahar pops up to Gashon.*

Kahar: WHAT ARE YOU DOING GASH?

Gashon: Wha- uh. I was just looking for some.. uh... Yogurt. But I got lost.
Kahar: Okay, well I'll take you to the dairy aisle.

Gashon: What? You think I still want you around for what you did?

Kahar: Look, I'm really sorry, but I didn't expect Blast to be so convincing.

Gashon: since when is blast "convincing"

Kahar: Okay, I get it, but come on, everyone makes mistakes.

G
ashon: Well, since you barely ever duped me in the past, I'll forgive you THIS TIME.

The two walk over to the dairy aisle where Kahar scoops up two non-fat yogurts and puts in in Gashon's cart

Gashon: What the heck are you doing?

Kahar: I'm trying to lose some weight. Riding my bike has been doing the trick and working out in the gym has really made m-

Gashon: No you moron, I'm talking about putting your stuff in my cart. I don't want hear about your soap operas.

Kahar: Oh yeah, wellllll I was going to ask but I figured you would get mad.

Gashon: Ask what?

Kahar: I was going to have a sleepover with you for a while

Gashon: N TO THE OOOOOOOOO

Kahar: But I already moved my things into your house.

Gashon: YOU DID WHAT?

Kahar: Just one night. Come on, pleaaaaaase.

Gashon: What the heck is wrong with you? Do you nee-

Gleb Kaminer: Excuse me, coming through.

*A small man is seen reaching to get some yogurt and passes between Kahar and Gashon*

Gashon: The heck?

Gleb: What?

Kahar: I've never been so happy in my life to grow up.

Gleb: -turns to Gash- And who are you? His Mexican Mama?

Kahar: -starts laughing-

Gleb: Oh so you want a piece of me?

Gashon: It doesn't seem like there's much of you to get a piece OF Short Round...

Kahar: -stops laughing- Oh my god... Okay time to leave Gashon.

Gashon: I ain't done with this Kohar.

Kahar: I think we should really go.

Gashon: Whatever, see ya around shorty

*Gashon and Kahar start walking away but Gleb pulls out a gun*

Gleb: Where do you think YOU TWO are going?

Gashon: WHAT THE?

Kahar: I told you we should have left.
Gashon: WELL YOU DIDN'T TELL ME HE HAD A GUN!!!!

Gleb: Alright, hand over your non-fat yougurts.

Gashon: What?

Gleb: The yogurts, give them to me.

Kahar: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

*By this point everyone in the area is watching.*

We see Anakin and Tiger hiding behind some shelves watching. Kahar takes the yogurts and hugs them close to him

Gashon: KAHAR GIVE HIM THE YOUGURTS!!!!!

Kahar: No I can't.... These are the only banana-strawberry non-fat I Can't Believe It's Yogurt yogurts in a 10 Mile radius from us.

Gleb: Then you asked for it Gentle Giant...

Gashon: What kind of insult is Gentle Giant?

*Gleb cocks his gun*.

Gashon: Oh no...

*Kahar and Gashon jump from the blast of fire Gleb shoots*
Anakin and Tiger come out of their hiding spots. Tiger points a gun at Gleb*.*

Tiger: Hey, don't shoot him, we really need him!

Gleb: What?

Anakin: Yeah, we need need the mexican.

Gleb: Well your "amigo" here insulted me, and I think he deserves to get punished, so I'm not giving him to some creeps.

Tiger: You can shoot the nerdy white guy if you want...

Kahar: HEY!

Gleb: Not good enough.

*Gashon takes a toy gun from one of the abandoned carts*.

Gashon: DON'T MOVE VENTOSAS!!!

Gleb: Oh yeah? Or what?

Gashon: I'M A MEXICAN DUDE HOLDING A GUN, FIGURE IT OUT!

Anakin: I think think we should drop the guns.

Tiger: Nope. -starts shooting at Gashon-

*Gashon dodges behind some carts filled with things that block the bullets.*

Gleb: -shoots Anakin's foot-

Anakin: OW OW!!!!

*All five of them take cover behind various things in the dairy aisle*.

Tiger: What happened Anakin?!

Anakin: I got boo boo

Gashon: YOU BETTER LET US GO IDIOTAS!!!!

Tiger: WE DON'T SPEAK MEXICAN GASHORN!!!

Gashon: OH PLEASE, I THINK YOU CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT “IDIOTAS” MEANS!

Gleb: WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

*Gunshots are fired everywhere*.

Kahar: Gash, Anakin dropped his gun over there!

Gashon: How am I supposed to get it over there with them pointing guns at me?

Kahar: Don't worry, let me do all the work.

*Kahar slithers all over the floor like a worm*.

Gleb: I CAN SEE YOU!!!

Gashon: YOU BETTER HURRY UP WHITE BOY!!!!

*Gleb fires the gun at Kahar which nearly misses him*.

Tiger: GET OUT OF HERE!!!!

Anakin: YOU'RE NOT A PART PART OF THIS THIS!!!

Kahar: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*After screaming, Kahar gets up off the floor and runs to the gun and grabs it*.

*Gleb shoots Kahar*

Gashon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

*Gashon runs over to Kahar's limp body and shoots Gleb in the shoulder*.

Gashon: Kahar are you okay?!?!

Kahar: \*coughs\* Yeah...

*Gashon sighs, and Kahar reveals under his shirt a Life cereal box*.

Gashon: What? A cereal box stopped the bullet??

Kahar: Yeah.

*Gashon moves the cereal box and notices a bunch of blood on Kahar's chest*.

Gashon: Uhhh, Kahar I think you-

Kahar: OH MY GOD I GOT SHOT!!! OH MY GOD IT HURTS!!! AHHHH!!!! I GOT SHOT OVER YOU??!?!

Gashon: Kahar, shut up, you'll be fine, I'm calling 911.

*Tiger and Anakin are seen walking behind Gashon. Tiger shoots Gleb in the head who is laying on the floor and Anakin grabs Gashon's shoulder from behind.*

Anakin: I don't think so so.

Tiger: Yeah, you're coming with us Gashboy.

Gashon: On second thought Kahar, you might die...

Kahar: WHAT???

### Scene 7

*Anaking and Tiger are seen dragging Gashon through a building. They enter a black room with blood splatters everywhere. Reedman (Dane Dehaan) is seen operating on a paitent with a fire axe, but the body cannot be seen because Gashon's silloutte is in the way.*

*Reed looks up in surprise.*

Reedman: What the-?

Anakin: OH JESUS WRONG ROOM SORRY

*Anaking and Tiger throw Gashon out of the room then quickly run out and close the door.*

*When the duo turns around, Gashon is nowhere to be seen.*

Tiger: how in the heck....

Anakin: Uh... Don't you feel it?

*Gashon is riding/mounted on Tiger like Yoda was in Episode V*

Tiger: Oh okay we have him.

*Gashon takes one of his hands, puts it in Tiger's pocket, pulls his gun out, and puts it in his own pocket.*

*Unknowing, Tiger and Anaking proceed down the hall.*

*They enter Axrik's room, which has a big window looking down upon the city.*

*Axrik is facing the windows, and Mirta is tied up lying in a corner.*

Axrik: Well, well. You finally came Gash-

*Axrik turns and sees the trio in their idiotic state.*

Axrik: WHAT THE F-

*Gashon shoots Anakin in the leg.*

*Anakin falls to the ground, then begins to unnecessairly flop around like a fish for several seconds before hitting his head on the wall and falling unconscious.*

*Gashon puts his gun to Tiger's head.*

Axrik: TIGER WHAT THE HELL I TOLD YOU TO LURE HIM HERE.

Tiger: WAIT REALLY?

Axrik: YEAH LIKE AN HOUR OR TWO AGO.

Tiger: WELL WE LURED HIM HERE THE HARD WAY AND HE'S HERE EITHER WAY.

Gashon: Uh, hello? What's going on here? Is that Mirta in the OHMYGODYOUCAPTUREDMIRTAIMGONNAKILLYOUYOUPRICK

*Gashon puts his gun to Tiger's head and cocks it.*

Gashon: Give me Mirta, or Tiger dies.

*Axrik unties Mirta, helps her up, then shoves her in Gashon's general direction.*

Axrik: You can keep her. She's no fun.

Gashon: Give me a medkit too so I can heal Kahar.

Axrik: I'll mail one to your house.

*Gashon pulls the trigger on his gun, but it is empty and all that is heard is a clicking sound.*

*Wordlessly, Gashon awkwardly dismounts Tiger and shoves him in Axrik's general direction, then takes Mirta's hand and starts running.* *Mirta immediately shakes her hand loose, then punches Gashon in the face repeatedly.*

Gashon: WHAT THE HELL MIRTA, I THINK I LOST A FEW TEETH!

Mirta: Only a few?

*Gashon runs away with Mirta chasing after him.*

*Gashon hides behind a corner waiting for Mirta. When she runs around it, he tackles her through a window.*

*The duo falls off the skyscraper holding each other.*

Gashon: MIRTA, IF WE DIE, AND IT SEEMS VERY LIKELY, AND BY THAT I MEAN **WE ARE GOING TO DIE**, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I LOVE YO-

*Gashon and Mirta are lying outside the window they just jumped out of. It was the first floor.*

Gashon: Oh. We lived...... Mirta? You okay?

*Gashon gets up from Mirta, who is unconscious. Gashon does a fist pump.*

Gashon (whispered): YES....
*Gashon picks up Mirta and carries her off into the distance. Gashon and Mirta then head to the parking lot outside of Blasts lair, and gets in Gashon's car. Gashon then starts speeding away, hoping to get as far from the villains as possible. However, Anakin and Tiger are pursuing them in a purple Lamborghini, starting a high speed chase. Anakin then starts shooting at Gashon's car, Gashon then begins screaming, and suddenly, Kahar, on his bike appears out of nowhere, and shoots Anakin in the face.*

Tiger: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

*Since Anakin was driving, the lamborghini slows to stop as Tiger mourns Anakin.*

Gashon: KAHAR! GET IN MY CAR.

*Kahar then leaps towards Gashons car, and gets in the back. The trio then starts driving to another side of Slenderville. A safer side.*

Gashon: Kahar... How exactly did you know were Mirta was at?

Kahar: I followed you.

Gashon: Okaayyyyyy.

### Scene 8

*Gashon's car pulls into the parking lot of a McDonald's. Kahar pulls out his phone and dials 911.*

Gashon: Kahar, what the hell are you doing?

Kahar: Calling the cops, genius.

Gashon: You can't call them!

Kahar: Why not? He kidnapped Mirta and tried to kill us!

Gashon: Well, that is true.....

*Kahar's phone connects.*

911 Person: Hello?

Gashon: I'm hungry, I'm going inside.

Kahar: Okay, get me some nuggets.

911 Person: What?

Kahar: Sorry, I was talking to someone...

*Gashon gets out of his car and walks into the McDonalds. He shuts the door, abruptly cutting off the phone conversation. Gashon walks in, and orders a McDouble with fries, and a 20 piece nuggets, and sits down. The camera shifts to the TV he is watching in the corner of the resturant.*

*Luna (Ariana Grande)* *is giving a news report.*

Luna: A high-speed chase recently started in downtown Slenderville, between the police and an unidentified speedster, obviously.

*A helicopter view of a black Lamborghini being chased by dozens of police cars is shown. Since Axrik is obviously the only rich person in this town, it's his car.*

Luna: The chase started literally seconds ago when SVPD recieved an anonymous tip from OH MY GOD HE'S GONNA CRASH INTO THE MC-

*Back in real life, Gashon turns his head to see Axrik's car, along with dozens of police cars, smash through the McDonalds, hitting the employee bringing his order. Blast smashes through the other side and runs into Gashon's car, stopping him immediately. Then the literally dozens of police cars chasing him crash into the back of his car, one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one.*
*Gashon runs over to Axrik's car, pulls him out, and punches him across the face.*

Gashon: That was for my order.

*Kahar appears behind Axrik and punches him in the back of the head awkwardly. Kahar hurts his wrist and says*

Kahar: That was for my nuggets.

*while shaking his hand around trying to ease the pain.* *Bane and Knight come out of one of the crashed cop cars and begin to arrest Axrik. In the background, Mirta gets out of Gashon's car, brushing dust off her clothes.*

Bane: You're under arrest for

Knight: speeding and evading arr

Bane:est

Mirta: and kidnapping me

Knight: bub, wait wha

Bane: t?

Mirta: You are

Bane: n't the only

Knight: ones who can

Mirta: finish sentences.

Bane: OH MY GOD I

Knight: CAN'T CONTROL

Mirta: IT.

Axrik: I swear ON MY LIFE, Gashorn. I WILL have my revenge. **I WILL.**

*Bane and Knight shut up as Mirta evily grins. They walk away with Axrik between them.*

Axrik: NO! I WILL GET MY REVENGE ON ALL OF YOU! I WILL KILL EVERY! LAST! ONE!

*Bane cranes his head behind Axrik and whispers into Knight's ear.*

Bane(whispered): Make sure to give him

Knight(whispered):the slippery soap. Got

Bane(whispered): It.
Axrik: OH MY GOD NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

*The cops carry Axrik into the sun* **''***set.*

Kahar: There's a Burger King across the road.
Gashon: But their nuggets aren't as-

Kahar: Then I will nug-get them.

*Kahar puts on sunglasses and begins walking across the street with Gashon.*

Mirta: Well, nothing better to do.

*The trio walks to Burger King while the song "Highway to Hell" plays.*

### Scene 9

*The trio are then shown in there car, driving home while eating McDonalds. (Kahar is eating a Happy Meal.) They then pull up at Kahar's house*

Kahar: Alright... See you later Gashcakes.

Gashon: Hey! Don't call me that!

*Kahar then walks into his house, not being seen for the rest of the movie. Gashon then starts driving Mirta home.*

Mirta: Theres one thing I don't get...

Gashon: What would that be?

Mirta: Why did Axrik kidnap me? If he wanted to lure you in, wouldn't he have kidnapped Blarth or someone?

Gashon: Wait, what, Blarth?

Mirta: Yeah, Blarth, don't you two have some thing going on?

Gashon: NO!

Mirta: Oh, well hes been claiming you've been "*seeing eachother"*

Gashon: Eww...

*Gashon then pulls up at Mirta's house (A trailer.)*

Gashon: Mirta, wait.... Theres something I need to do.

*Gashon then leans in and kisses Mirta.*

Mirta: Gas-

Gashon: Mirta, will you marry me?

*Mirta is in silence for a few seconds*

Mirta: Gashon....... I'm lesbian.

Gashon: WHAT?!?

Mirta: No one gets rejected like **GASHON!**

Gashon: YOU MEAN AFTER ALL THIS YOU TELL ME!?!??!? UGH, GET GIBB SLAPPED, BITC-

*Gashon then reaches in to "Gibb Slap" Mirta, but Mirta catches Gashons had, and breaks it. Screen then goes dark and Gashon is heard screaming, the End Credits then role in.*

### Scene 0.1

*The End Credits slowly fade* *away, but it goes into a different scene. Lawrence Daggerpaine (Logan Lerman) is on the Slenderville News Network, reporting on the events of the movie.*

Law: A series of bizarre and violent events has occurred in the city today including a shootout in a store, vehicle wrecks of nearly the entire police force, and nuggets. Known suspects include Gashon Cansaker and Kahar Zamet.

*Law continues to speak in the background. The camera slowly pans out as the silhouette of a woman with curly hair appears. She turns into the light, and her face becomes visible. It is Gashmom (Betty White.)*

Gashmom: Honey! Our son is on TV!

*The scene quickly cuts to darkness for the final time.*