169: Schrödinger's Grandma

## Summary

Caught red-handed trying to stash the stolen goods under the airship, Ricky reveals himself to be none other than legendary halfling thief Ricardo Ulysses in disguise! However, before anyone can accost him, the airship is rocked by an explosion as ferocious lizardfolk pirates attack, swooping in on two black dragon wyrmlings.

## Synopsis

   The passengers and Captain Ool file in. He wants to know what's going on. Raphina explains what they'd seen under the door and attempts to kick the it down, but it stands firm. Batthwack tries to force it open with his elbow, and it does splinter, but remains shut. Dew smashes the door with his morning stars. The door swings open. Jocelyn stumbles back startled, pulling Ricky back up into the room. Will casts *Prestidigitation* on Ricky immediately.

To everyone's surprise the previously mute Ricky is shouting angrily in a strange accent as he is pulled out of the toilet, *"What is taking so long? Why are you not pulling me up, you stupid woman?"* He is also clutching a relatively large pack. He notices everyone in the room.

Batthwack tries to grab the pack but Ricky pulls it close to him and springs athletically to his feet, slinging the pack onto his back. He transforms before their eyes, no longer looking like a young boy of about six in plain attire. Now standing before them is a halfling, shorter than Raphina, middle-aged and completely bald. He has a thick, short, dark brown beard that has streaks of white in it. His skin looks vaguely pink, but you think that's mostly due to the colour of his clothing; he's dressed in shockingly white leather armour, topped with a matching white capelet adorned with a thick white fur collar. He also wears knee high boots that are deep crimson and look comfortably worn in. Some of the passengers gasp as they immediately recognise this person. Captain Ool gasps, "Ricardo Ulysses!" and more passengers gasp at hearing this. Will and Batthwack recognise the name of the legendary thief. Ricardo says *"You have found me out. This stupid woman could not free me from this hole and now I am laid bare before you. Ha! But this shall not stand for very long. No one is able to hold me!"*

Both Batthwack and Will know that Ricardo is reported to have robbed the Church of the Divine Monkey in Carnivar and also to have taken the *Ledger de Main* from the Grand Library of Carnivar and replaced it with a skillfully painted brick. Will had also heard that Ricardo was even said to have kissed the very rings off the fingers of the niece of the Grand Duke of Tapperdown.

Captain Ool warns them to be careful and relates that Ricardo robbed the Church of the Divine Monkey. Will is completely star struck and starts applauding. Ool says *"They even say he stole Thrunch Bouldergut's favourite pillow!"* Batthwack hadn't heard that story. Ricardo laps it up *"Yes, that is me. Behold, greatness. You are in the presence of greatness."*

Dew says *"We're in the presence of greatness. Are you in the presence of all of our stolen stuff?"* Ricardo doesn't answer that. Will is still starstruck and suggests getting an autograph and Ricardo throws him a piece of paper.

At that moment, one of the Ibish crew on top of the airship suddenly calls out telepathically to the passengers *"Piraaaaaaates!"* and metre seconds later a huge explosion rocks the airship. Raphina and Batthwack are thrown from their feet.

Captain Ool immediately charges out of the bunk room towards the source of the explosion at the front of the airship, calling out *"Pirates to port!"* The passengers start screaming and yelling in panic. Ricardo decides to make himself scarce. *"Ah, there seems to be a bit of a disturbance here on the ship. Perhaps this is time for me to, as you say, take my leave,"* he says and nimbly springs forward, disappearing into the cabin. Dew also rushes into the main cabin, and sees that a significant part of the port side of the airship, including part of the floor, has been blasted to smithereens, and is gaping open to the sky.

Approaching from the north Dew sees two black dragon wyrmlings, each ridden by a lizardfolk of shamanistic appearance, wielding staves. Between the dragons is suspended a rough wooden platform that carries four more lizardfolk, warriors, armed to the teeth.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Eric. The group discuss whether Raphina might be a grandma, as this would have automatically given her authority to sneak a peek under the latrine door. Eric says *"Did we establish if Raphina is a grandma?"* Abby: *"I mean, I'm as old as a grandma. I'm 60. To be a grandma, I would have to be a mom. And we have not delved into that part of Raphina"* KT: *"It's a mystery"* Eric: *"She's a Schrödinger's Grandmother right now."*
* KT refers to "William Shakespeare's Get Thee Back to the Future!" by Ian Doescher See https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/597934/william-shakespeares-get-thee-back-to-the-future-by-ian-doescher/

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured KT doing a recap to the tune of *My Favourite Things* (from The Sound of Music):

*[Verse 1]*

Heavy Strahd coins and a kid with loose bowels

A cameo by Ool, the captain of owls

Hippogriffs fly as we sit down to sup

This is your recap, so please listen up

*[Verse 2]*

Ice cream and coffee and crisp apple strudels

Stuffed shells and caramels and schnitzel with noodles

No beets anymore, we have options, rejoice!

Psych! It's all goodberries! You have no choice

*[Verse 3]*

Dew found some glasses and a random loose molar

Raphina announced things, no-one could control her

Will searched the bunk room and Batthwack, the loo

This is your recap and yes, it's all true

*[Hook]*

Guys! A centipede! Yes, a centipede!

Now I'm feeling sad

If we forget all about this stupid bug

We might end up feeling bad

*[Verse 4]*

People were claiming their items were missing

A mini-clock, jerky, a fine *Ring of Swimming*

A brooch, a Strahd puppet, a tidy chess set

This is your recap, it's not over yet

*[Verse 5]*

It's looking more likely that items were stolen

And also that kid has a hyperactive colon

This is your recap, so please wish me luck

Plus, that old lady is racist as fuck

*[Hook]*

Oh! A centipede! No, a centipede!

Please call pest control

I'm still freaking out about that centipede

But that might not be Eric's goal

*[Verse 6]*

Our turtle cast *Zone of Truth* and it still lingers

While Will yoinked his card deck with his sticky fingers

That little kid Ricky appears to be mute

And Dew put some leaves on that lady's patoot

*[Verse 7]*

All of a sudden as though ‘twere a figment

A lad threw his hood back and he had no pigment

He worried we'd blame him because of his looks

This is your recap, it's full of plot hooks

*[Verse 8]*

These mysteries have us all feeling like newbies

Raphina wears socks all the way to her boobies

We ended with Ricky attempting to fly

Down through a toilet and into the sky

*[Hook]*

But that centipede! Yes, that centipede!

Can you please recall

If Chekov were here, he would warn us I'm sure

That centipede shall kill us all!

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*
Captain Ool (by Greg)*"Relaxed Eric"*
## References

1. ↑ KT describes Will's *Prestidigitation* spell as looking like he's primping his subject from a distance, miming brushing Ricky's shoulders off and swatting at him.
2. ↑ See Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan – The History of the Horrifying Ear Scene – Den of Geek