A Night To Remember Jar Jar Binks Lollies

Now I may be a miserable old bugger who seems to never have any time for friends and fun, but something you may not know about me is that I have a little secret. I Professor Charles am secretly a massive fan of Star Wars, but I have a rather controversial opinion when it comes to these films, for you see; I cannot stand the original trilogy they are so bloody smelly and the acting oh the acting. My bloody son in law; Triangle Bill is a better actor than those lot and he holds people at gunpoint so that they’ll  sing the Welsh National Anthem with him. No, I much prefer and adore the prequel series, for they are some of my favourite films ever made. As a matter of fact going on from that point, I would honestly have to say that Phantom Menace is without a doubt the greatest cinematic achievement ever created, and this is mainly because the film is responsible for the inception of the best character in the whole entire franchise; Jar Jar Binks. Oh yes, I do love Jar Jar Binks. I have collected loads of Jar Jar related memorabilia over the years including Jar Jar oven mitts which you can put on your feet in order to help you sneak across the gallery without nobody noticing, a Jar Jar doll which sits at the edge of my bed. He keeps the nightmares out you see which is why I have to have him sitting at the edge of my bed every single night. He also came bundled with this dog plush toy who is dressed up like a veteran of  the Olive Oil War, and he keeps singing about when he was 62. Listen here dopey dog; I don’t give a rats ass about you all I care about is my beloved Jar Jar Binks! Now I’ve collected lots of Jar Jar Binks stuff over the years, but you want to know what my most priced Jar Jar item of all time is? It’s not the action figures, it’s not the doll, or the Jar Jar Binks flamethrower that I got with my Russian bootleg copy of Phantom Menace, no my most prized possession is my Jar Jar Binks ice lolly.

You see; I’m very old so I remember when trees were everywhere, and I also remember when Phantom Menace first game to cinemas and they were selling Jar Jar Binks themed tongue lollies at my local supermarket. I remember when I first bought one of those little lollies and I got home to my apartment… but I didn’t eat it. I never ate it. It still hasn’t been eaten, for I could bring myself to befall any harm upon my beloved Jar Jar Binks. The way the lolly works is that the head is shaped like Jar Jar Binks obvs, and you push his ears down to make his disgusting tongue come out. Then you eat the tongue like a regular lolly. Sounds gross, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because it really is. The tongue is horrid looking, and has black marks on it which look like bits of pepper. I really hope they have penicillin on Naboo because Jar Jars’ tongue looked infected, but in spite of out disgusting it may appear to look to most, I actually have a strange level of fondness for the sweet pop. I wanted to collect a whole bunch of them, to the point that I would have an entire room dedicated to Jar Jar Binks lollies, so I put on my comically oversized wellies which made to look like a frog’s head. Isn’t that wacky? I raced down to my local Woolworths only to find to me shock and horror that the bastard owners Wooley and Worth were burning down all the Jar Jar sweets they could find. They had a massive bonfire going on in the parking lot of Woolworths. Oh yes sorry love, I probably should have mentioned this before but Woolworths was the only store in my town which was actually selling Jar Jar Binks lollies.

Grabbing a hold of a really nasty looking plank of wood which had shit all over it, I made my way over to Wooly and Worth in order to pummel their brains in, only for Worth to ask, “what if I were to be a moose?”  I was so confused by Worth’s weird comment that it left me open for attack. Wooly ended up pinning me down onto the ground, and he was very fat you see so he nearly broke my bloody back in doing so.  Wooly held a gun to my head as he threatened me with, “now don’t fuck with me boyio, I’ll kill you!” Though the papers and many advertisements over the years featuring the iconic Woolworths duo may make you think that Wooly is the more good natured and kind of the pair, in reality it is quite different. Wooly was quite a cruel sheep despite his jokey and plump exterior. Worth’s face meanwhile remained impassive as he began smoking from a pipe and then barked, “Woolly get off from that poor man, and help me burn more of these damn lollies!” Kind of ironic for Worth to be barking when he is a dog after all. A sheep dog too… hey wait a minute! Anyways, I got up from the floor and brushed myself off as I said, “this is no way to treat a person.” I gave my tie a right good squeeze as I asked, “I just wanted to know; why are you destroying all of the Jar Jar Binks lollies? They are bringing joy to everyone including yours truly as a matter of fact.

After some harsh questioning which culminated in a packet of rancid peaches,  Worth proceeded to explain that it was not his and Worth’s decision to dispose of the Jar Jar Binks lollies, but was rather the decision of someone much more powerful. Someone who has more power than any pair of simple Woolworths mascots could possibly of imagined. I then pr