The Adventures of Kerbin, Celtic and Bonesy 5: The Living Planet

NOTES: HOLY FUCKING SHIT I DID IT YAY THIS WAS ALMOST AS BAD AS HALF-LIFE-3.

Bonesy had no time.

Vorius was headed straight for them. Bonesy struggled to clothe himself, falling down in front of the crew quarters. Memez popped his head out.

Memez: "What's wrong?"

Bonesy: "A big monster, a whole planet to be exact, is heading here right now!"

Jack: "WHAT?!?!"

Bonesy: "Yeah, nothing big, but I suggest... YOU GET EXCITED MOTHAFUCKAS!!!"

Bonesy ran towards the comm unit. A deep red dot was moving closer and closer with each passing second. Readings showed special tears, holes in the Wikiverse.

Kerbin: "WTF IS HAPPENING?!?"

Jack: "Big planet, warpath, that sort of thing."

Bonesy: "Oh no...we're too late."

It was MASSIVE. Round and charred, this... "thing" was definitely angry. The worst part were it's mouths, or should i say "Mouths". Hundreds of them, possibly thousands. Dog mouths, snake mouths, monster mouths. Worst yet, the single gigantic mouth. Rows upon rows of building-sized teeth. It opened it's mouth and roared/

Veronica: "WHAT'S HAPPENI....oh shite."

Bonesy: "I think we're gonna die"

Memez: "(whispering) Patrix90 hlp pls."

Jack: "(whispering) Snoop hlp pls."

Just as hope was lost, a spark entered Bonesy's eye (socket). He and his crew would LIVE.

Bonesy: "SPOOOKY! Maximum speed. NOW!!!"

Spoooky: "Why? We're gonna die soon anywa..."

Bonesy popped forward, fire in his eyes (literally, he can do that)

Spoooky: "O-okay."

They sped forward into it's gaping maw, barely missing it's teeth.

Bonesy: "BRACE!!!"

The ship crashed into the back of the planet's throat. The squad blacked out. When they came to, they were in some sort of underground chamber with vertical disks of light by Memez and Bonesy. The first, by Memez, held a being.

???: "He must experience this differently. Godspeed, Mr.Rather"

And with that, the being stole Memez and the portal vanished. The one by Bonesy held an unfolding scene. A man, dressed in a suit similar to Bonesy's, was bragging about saving his version of the squad.

D.Bonesy: "...and I was like "SPEED UP!" and you were like "BUT WAI?!" and I was like..."

Bonesy: "Uuummm, excuse me Mr.....Rather?"

D.Bonesy: "What d'you wan...HOLY SHIT WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU??!!?? Bitch, who is he?"

Bonesy looked to the left of his doppelgangers right and saw the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. Her skin was swirled light blue and black, glowing neon blue tattoos covering her body.Her hair was a bright orange, complementing her deep red eyes. Dressed in flowing robes, she was the single most exotic creature Bonesy had ever seen, and her name was...

Midna: "I have a name, you evil creature."

D.Bonesy: "Yeah Midsection, Midna, whatever. Who is he?"

Bonesy: "I'm a skeleton, you bastard cock eater. Talk to her or anyone else like that and I WILL kill you".

D.Bonesy: "WOAH, you fucking white-knight troll!"

D.Bonesy paused as if what he said was the final word on a death certificate. Bonesy was unamused.

Bonesy: "Your point being?"

Midna let out a chuckle.

D.Bonesy's eyes flared with anger.

D.Bonesy: "Trolls are the worst thing to poison this universe. PRAISE CELESTIA!"

Bonesy pointed his Bass Cannon at his clone, who in turn raised a revolver of some sort. Midna stepped between them. D.Bonesy shoved her through the portal, grabbing the nearby Veronica and pulling her in.

Bonesy: "NOOOOOOO!!!"

D.Bonesy: "I need a new one anyway, here's something to remember me by."

D.Bonesy raised his weapon and fired before Bonesy could charge his cannon. He fired twice, and both bullets hit their mark. Anime and Luigi... were dead.

Bonesy: "NOOOOO, YOU MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD!!!"

Bonesy aimed the cannon, primed to fire, just as the portal closed. The last thing he saw was Veronica's terrified face.

Bonesy: "DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!! I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!"

Jack, Kerbin and Celtic woke up from their blackout.

Jack: "What's happening?"

Bonesy: "WE ARE DOWN TO FOUR FUCKING PEOPLE!!!"

Kerbin: "Did...you kill them off because there were too many characters?"

Bonesy: "....NO! Memez is still alive, he just got taken by something, and Veronica..."

Midna: "It will be hell for her."

Bonesy turned and saw the beautiful, tall, elegant creature before him.

Bonesy: "I'm sorry you had to put up with...well, ME for so long."

Midna looked at him quizzically

Midna: "An... apology?"

Bonesy: "Yes, of course. It's the very least i can do after THAT."

Jack whispered to Kerbin, Celtic and Ryuko.

Jack: "50 kilos, they bang."

Kerbin: "50 kilos of what?"

Jack smiled at Kerbin.

'Jack: "My finest stock, 'namsayin?"

Kerbin: "You're on."

Midna: "But as long as he is alive, without me, he will destroy his world."

Bonesy: "Who says he'll be alive to destroy his world?"

Kerbin: "(whispers) Can i change my bet?"

Celtic: "Nah, ya dun goofed m8."

Spoooky yelled from a spike on the ceiling, hanging from her coat.

Spoooky: "HELP, PLS!"

Bonesy: "How did you get there?"

Jack: "lol."

Bonesy: "Dont worry, I got you."

Bonesy set the Bass Cannon to it's lowest setting, "HOVER".

He aimed at Spoooky and fired short pulses, gradually lowering her to the ground. Midna stared, dumbfounded.

Bonesy: "Something wrong?"

Midna: "I apologize, I am simply not used to acts of kindness."

Celtic: "Wait, where even ARE we?"

They looked around their current location. A circular room, made of stone and bones. There were seven different doors, the names of the current party floating above them in red. Bonesy stared at the door emblazoned with his name.

Bonesy: "What are these?"

Jack: "One way to find out m80."

Jack walked up to his door, throwing it open and striding confidently inside.

Celtic: "WAIT."

Kerbin: "Dumbass."

Ryuko: "Meh, he'll be fine.Just wait for him for a sec."

Jack returned a few minutes later, slamming the door shut and bracing himself against it, his face nearly drained of all color. Jack stared at the members of the current party.

Jack: "World... n-no weed. NOTHING was dank man, NOTHING!"

Celtic: "(Le gasp!) That sounds TERRIBLE!"

Midna: "I know what lies behind these doors."

Bonesy: "What is it?"

Midna stared towards her door.

Midna: "Our fears, darkest and greatest.No more, no less."

Kerbin: "That's...(mumbles) not cliche at all."

Bonesy: "So...what do we do with them?"

Spoooky: "The cliche would be to face them."

Midna: "Yes, that is what must be done."

Bonesy: "WELL, i assume i'm going first?"

Kerbin: "Go ahead man, your funeral."

Bonesy stared fearfully at his own door. It was made of a deep blue stone, with traces of bright red. His name was spelled above in blinking red, like an exit sign.

Celtic: "WAIT!"

Bonesy: "What??"

Celtic: "If these are our fears, then maybe they take the form of recurring nightmares."

Kerbin: "Your point?"

Celtic: "If we can see what went wrong in these nightmares..."

Ryuko: "We can see what we need to do in order to conquer them!"

Bonesy, nervous about his door, looked back relieved.

Bonesy: "Yeahyeahyeah, that sounds good! Lets do that."

They sat in a vague semicircle in the center of the room, and took turns telling their fears.

Bonesy: "My fear is being alone in the ocean with some gigantic creature near me."

Midna: "Have you had a nightmare around this fear?"

Bonesy thought for a second before answering.

Bonesy: "Once or twice, I would be in the deep sea and I would see this... SHAPE in the distance. I would try to swim away, but it would always get me before I could."

Midna: "Thank you. Jack?"

Jack: "Hi, my name is Jack, and I've been sober for two minutes..."

Kerbin smacked Jack in the back of his head.

Kerbin: "This isn't A-A jackass, now spill your fears dammit!"

Jack took a deep breath and sighed.

Jack: "A world without weed"

Everyone but Midna stared at him, unamused.

Bonesy: "So, 75% of America?"

Jack: "I said a world without weed, not a world where it's illegal."

Suddenly, a small LCD monitor rose up in between them and began showing video. It showed Vorius, now dormant. Then it's mouth opened up and roared. It was headed for a planet (Categories). Bonesy stood up quickly, as did everyone else.

Bonesy: "We have to move, NOW!"

Celtic: "So let's fucking go then!!"

Bonesy stared at his own door. He took a deep breath, and jumped in.

.

..

...

Bonesy felt his suit get wet. Then he felt FEAR. He was in a pitch dark ocean, yet he could make out the faint shape of a creature ahead of him. It was MASSIVE. It had nine long, spindly necks ending in heads reminiscent of anglerfish heads the size of a large tank. It's body held luminous tentacles wich floated around it lazily. It had four powerful arms ending in blade-like flippers, and its body ended in two powerful tails for speed. Bonesy knew what he had to do. He fired his cannon towards the sea floor, rocketing himself up towards the surface. The Leviathan reacted by swimming almost as fast as Bonesy in an attempt to capture him. They were just near the surface when it lept forward, hell-bent on killing Bonesy. It lept out of the water. That, was it's final mistake. When the Bass Cannon reached open air, the wubs were returned to full force, de-atomizing the Leviathan. A door appeared in the sky, with a small platform beside it for Bonesy to land on. Bonesy landed on it and opened the door. Everyone exited their doors at the same time.

(Everyone else's nightmare worlds are in separate pastas in development. Yay, shoehorning myself to write more!)

Bonesy: "Everyone okay?"

Celtic was vomiting profusely in a corner, giving the thumbs up to Bonesy.

Kerbin: "I think we're good."

Bonesy: "Midna?"

Midna stared towards Bonesy.

Midna: "Tell me you won't give me back to Him."

Bonesy stared back with a slight smile. (Don't question how a skeleton can smile, dammit, it's a cute scene)

Bonesy: "Unlike my counterpart, I am not evil. So no, you won't return to him while I live and brea.... Well, while I live."

Celtic: "(whispers) Only two hours after Veronica, and he's already replaced her."

Kerbin: "(whispers) Where the hell is MY waifu?"

A long stone corridor appeared where Kerbin's door originally was.

Ryuko: "Wait, where's Spoooky?"

Everyone looked up to see Spoooky hanging from another spike.

Spoooky: "FUCK MY LIFE!"

Bonesy: "I got it."

Bonesy lowered Spoooky just as the LCD monitor changed to numbers.                                                                                       20:00                                                                                      19:59

Jack: "Oh shit, RUUUUUNNNN!!!!!"

They looked down the long corridor and ran. Then the "Anons" came from the walls.

18:00

They were the ghosts of the nameless unhallowed, floating towards the heroes as they ran.

16:00

The Anons attempted to hinder their progress, blocking them as they ran.

11:00

They neared the end of the tunnel just as Midna let out a loud shriek.

9:00

The Anons are pure green, floating, suit wearing legless creatures. And one of them had Midna by her leg.

8:00

But Bonesy was running right behind her. He buried his hand into the back of the Anon's head, pulling out nothing but a forearm.

7:00

He lifted Midna up from the ground and continued to run.

6:00

They saw a ship in front of them faced towards a large chasm, the restored T.R.L.L Rickroll. Their reward for facing their fears.

5:00

There was no time for rejoicing. They entered the ship and powered it up, ready to reach Sanic speed.

4:00

They were halfway out of Vorius's mouth.

2:00

They sped out of it's mouth and to the left.

0:00

Fire raged from Vorius's mouth and covered it's body. It was a purge, not a bomb. Vorius was still alive.

Jack: "Dammit, back to square one."

Bonesy: "NO! Before we crashed this into that planet to save Memez and Jack, I added a great new feature. Spooky! Face Vorius!"

Spoooky: "kk."

Spoooky aimed the T.R.L.L Rickroll at Vorius. Vorius opened it's mouth just as Bonesy hit a red button. Three tubes lowered from the bottom of the ship and charged up. A deep, bassy rumble filled the room they were in.

Bonesy: "This is where you die."

The three tubes fired deep red pulses of Waveform at Vorius, reaching into it's stony crust. Ripping it apart.

Vorius was dead

Bonesy was sitting at his worktable, adjusting and modifying his Cannon. He walked over to his closet just as Midna walked in.

Midna: "Bonesy?"

Bonesy was halfway buried in his closet.

Bonesy: "(muffled) Yes, Midna?"

Midna: "I wish to thank you for saving me from that creature."

Bonesy: "And I would do it all over again (grunt), could you hold this please?"

Bonesy handed Midna a heavy Bass Cannon Prototype, which she set down on a nearby chair.

Midna: "What are you doing Bonesy?"

Bonesy: "Searching for.... Got it!"

Bonesy flexed a hand where only hours ago only a forearm existed.It shimmered with a metallic glare.

Bonesy: "You like it? It's just aluminium, but i think it..."

Alarms blared in the cabin.                                                                                     (WARNING! MEMETIC ATTACK IMMINENT!)    Bonesy collapsed on the floor as a image entered his mind.

Midna: "BONESYYY!!!"

The image was of a man, no, a demon. Blades exited his body at every opportunity. He was smiling, holding a sign that said...

Bonesy: "The Edge-Lords are coming."

Bonesy collapsed just as a portal opened and Memez stepped out.

Memez: "I missed something, didn't i?"