Lotta Windsor-Middleton

**Lotta Windsor Middleton** is the daughter of Prince William and Princess Kate, and she says BLOODY HELL!

## Info

Name: Charlotte Elizabeth Diana Windsor-Middleton

Age: 14

Parent's Story: I'm a member of the British Royal Family.

Appearance: I'm a blonde with a Union Jack top, a purple blazer and skirt, and a crown.

Alignment: Royal

Roommate: I've got a private room at Buckingham Palace.

Secret Heart's Desire: To win the world over by appearing in the tabloids.

My "Magic" Touch: I have a long, complicated family tree.

Storybook Romance Status: I would love some nice, handsome British aristocrat.

"Oh Curses!" Moment: I can't go anywhere without the paparazzi following me.

Favourite Subject: Princessology. DUH!

Least Favourite Subject: Kingdom Management. The British monarchy has no real power.

Best Friend Forever After: All the royalty of Europe.

## Biography

Pip pip cheerio! I'm Charlotte Elizabeth Diana Windsor-Middleton, but you can call me Lotta. I'm the daughter of Prince William and Kate Middleton. I'm a member of the British Royal Family. I live in the royal palace with my great-grandmother, Queen Elizabeth II. I am a princess, and everything's better with princesses! My mummy and daddy buy me everything I want, and my horde of servants wait on me hand and foot.

As is expected with British royalty, I am very British. I have bad teeth, I'm sarcastic as hell, I love tea and crumpets, I hate chavs, and I love football (football is the proper word, not "soccer" like those bloody Americans keep saying). I love all the great British literature, like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, The Chronicles of Narnia, Alice in Wonderland, The Water-Babies, Sherlock Holmes, Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice, The War of the Worlds, Peter Pan, Winnie-the-Pooh, anything by William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, Enid Blyton, and Roald Dahl. I like to watch the BBC (even though it's too PC these days), Doctor Who, Little Britain, The Jeremy Kyle Show, Celebrity Big Brother and Game of Thrones.

I go to a prestigious boarding school where only the children of royalty and nobility go to. We have servants from our former colonies do everything for us, including clean our rooms, wash our clothes, and unclog the loo. We Brits spend our time complaining about how America has replaced us as the strongest country on Earth. We miss the good old days when it was Britain who was the one taking over countries around the world, forcing its culture on them, making everyone speak English (the real British English where the word color is spelled with a U), and stealing their artifacts to put in our museums - and not America.

I really hate my aunt Meghan Markle. She's everything that the British Royal Family isn't - she's divorced, American, an actress, a black chick, and a feminazi. She's a worse version of Wallis Simpson (who is burning in hell as we speak). She's so presumptuous, demanding that she have diamond-encrusted toothpicks, coffee instead of tea, and lemons with exactly three seeds.

Ta-ta, peasants!

## Trivia

* She hates Americans even though her great-great-great-grandmother was American.
* She is a Brexit supporter.
* She cannot stand Catholics.
* She also cannot stand the Irish.
* She is friends with Katie Hopkins.
* She judges people by their first names.
* She has a long, flexible nail on her pinky toe.