Spam With Me/Transcript

(The episode starts in the Spammers’ lair, where the Spammers are trying to handle Dyaboy redeeming himself and killing Corrupted UCP, but they aren’t taking it all too well.)

Whickey: ARGH!

Luis: Why did he betray us?!

Kitchen: He’s been troubled with this whole ordeal for a long time, Luis. He only snapped when he saw ultimate destruction.

Maps: And I thought something was going to grow between us two...

Whickey: That reminds me, remember that call I told you about?

Gyux: OMnsdhfjuriekdmfn (Subtitles: Oh yeah, how is it going?)

Whickey: Well, the plan is just about to be put into action.

(Theme song plays. Cuts to the Candle Friends, who try to reconstruct their house and the ones nearby. Cuts to Baghead, who uses the Force to reconstruct his house instantly. Back to the Candle Friends, who marvel at the sight.)

Candle Man: (Shouting down the block.) Why can’t you do that for our house?!

Baghead: (Shouting back.) You're as lazy as druk!

Candle Man: Hmph.

(A car zips by the Candle House, smashing its mailbox and every other one on the block.)

Candle Man: Hey!

(Limefong uses telekinesis to stop the car before it gets away. The car turns around and stops on its own at the Candle House. The window rolls down and a man with a “bad boy” attitude is at the wheel.)

Ivanmaste: Hey, losers!

Limefong: What did you think you’re doing, wrecking mailboxes like that?!

Ivanmaste: It’s called having fun, losers.

Mystic: Actually, it’s called making us have to spend more money!

Ivanmaste: Good for you.

(Candle Man facepalms and slides his hand off his face.)

Candle Man: The flip do you want?

Ivanmaste: None o’ your business, little candle. (Flicks Candle Man’s stick, causing it to wobble.) Maybe we just wanna make some trouble.

Candle Man: Then you’ve come to the wrong people.

(Candle Man’s hands start gathering fire, Shaduck readies his lasers, and Mystic and Limefong stare at him intimidatingly.)

Mystic: Darn, forgot the Mystix Wand got destroyed. Anyway, LET’S FIGHT THIS BAD BOY!

(Ivan starts the car back up before they can do anything, kicking up dust which goes into the Candle Friends’ eyes.)

Candle Man: AUGH! NOT DUST! IT’S LIKE HAVING YOUR NEMESIS ALL AROUND YOUR EYES!

(The scene changes to Goxic, who has brought a sandwich for lunch. He sits in his office and eats it, turning on a voice recorder.)

Goxic: The archiver’s archive, day 295. I’m growing increasingly mad at the obscene amount of Baghead-centered stuff at this wiki. I’m more important than him! I should get a lot more of this wiki than he does! In fact, I should be the official protector of Wikia! I have my own powers! I’m even more good-looking than he is! And I’m not too shy to show my real face! IF THIS ISN’T THE BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT IN THE HISTORY OF FANDAX, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS!

(Baghead knocks on the door.)

Baghead: Goxic, what’s going on in there?

Goxic: NOTHING!

(Baghead’s footsteps are heard.)

Goxic: He knows I’m better than him. He’s keeping an eye on me so I can’t take his place! But I will. Just you wait.

(He clicks off the voice recorder.)

Goxic: And I’m starting right now.

(He leaves the office and walks into Baghead’s right next door. Baghead is seated with his feet on the desk, reading “Ashka” by Erica Johnson.)

Baghead: Hey, Goxic. How’s my favorite archival man?

Goxic: Baghead, (pulls out a resignation form and slaps it on his desk) I quit.

(Baghead, however, is not shocked.)

Baghead: Good. I was going to fire you anyway.

Goxic: Wh-what?

Baghead: You think I can’t hear your self-centered rants? These walls are paper thin!

(He knocks on the right wall, and it crumbles, revealing Duddman reading “Force and Force Ability” on the toilet. He slowly moves the book over his shame.)

Goxic: So?

Baghead: You’re egotistical, rude, and frankly, a little stupid. That’s basically the opposite of what I want here.

Goxic: Fine!

Baghead: Fine. Go clear out your desk, and return the handbooks.

(He Force-pushes Goxic out of the office. Scene cuts to the Candle Friends, who are sitting in their now-rebuilt house.)

Candle Man: Ah, it feels so nice to lie on the carpet floor again.

Shaduck: And it feels so good to take a bath again!

(He zips into the bathroom and shuts the door. Cuts back to the rest, who hear a knock on the door.)

Limefong: I’ll get it. Can you move, Candle Man?

Candle Man: (Still lying on the floor.) Nah, I’m too comfy.

Limefong: Fine. I guess I can do this.

(Limefong walks over Candle Man as if he were a doormat and over to the front door, when he opens it up, no one is there.)

Limefong: Huh?

(Suddenly, a package hits him in the face.)

Limefong: OWW!

(He clutches his hurt nose, and sees a guy named Book run away from the house.)

Limefong: Mystic, look after Candle Man. I’m gonna get this dork.

Mystic: Yes sir, Mr. Limefong, sir!

(Limefong sprays a huge trail of slippery lime onto the ground, then jumps onto it and slides on it.)

Limefong: Now where are you, little punk?

(Another package comes at Limefong, but instead of getting hit, he catches it.)

Limefong: Haha!

Book: Darn!

Limefong: Now get over here!

(He sprays the sticky slime on Book, pinning him to the ground.)

Limefong: HA! Now who are you?! Are you a new Spammer?!

Book: A what?

Limefong: Don’t play dumb, I know you’re a Spammer!

Book: Look, kid, I have no idea what kind of religion “Spammer” is!

Limefong: WELL STOP WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING ANYWAY!

Book: Alright! Get this slime off me!

Limefong: Ugh, alright, but you’d better-

(Limefong gets the slime off Book and the latter runs off.)

Limefong: Grr! At least that’s the end of that.

(The scene cuts to The Spooky Stars’ house.)

Pierre: Man, I love being on Chaos!

Becca: Me too!

Pierre: Uh, wait. What’s this?

(Shows the screen of the computer. On it is a picture of characters from The Gumball Show with different bodies.)

Becca and Pierre: EW!

(The picture is repeatedly posted. Cuts to a building with “CHAOS” written in big letters on top of it. Inside are a dozen mods.)

Mod #1: What is this guy doing?!

Mod #2: Should we kick him?

Mod #3: Of course we should, you idiot!

Mod #4: Can we at least see who’s really doing it first?

Mod #3: Fine. I SUMMON THE MAN DOING THIS!

(Secretky pops up at the door.)

Secretky: Oh, the Chaos mods! I see you liked my pictures.

Mod #3: SECRTKY SWAPSON, I HEREBY KICK YOU FROM CHAOS FOR ETERNITY!

(Secretky is literally kicked out of the building, skidding onto the road, but getting up before he gets run over, a giant floor burn covering his body.)

Secretky: Grrr.

(Cuts to Goxic, who storms out of the building. He walks home, walking a few miles away from the building. Suddenly, he slips on something and falls over on the sidewalk. The thing he slipped on rolls away a little bit, but Goxic grabs it. Finding a button, he presses it and a blue blade comes out, gleaming against its finder’s fur.)

Goxic: Hm, a lightsaber! This could come in handy!

(He puts it on his belt and walks away. Cuts to the Candle House, where Limefong returns.)

Candle Man: He got away, didn’t he?

Limefong: Yup.

Mystic: Well who was it?

Limefong: Some delivery service. He threw a package at me with Candle Man’s name on it.

Candle Man: Ooh, it’s my eggplant coffee table book! Open it!

Mystic: You need to stop being so wasteful with your money, like seriously.

Candle Man: Who’s to say I won’t use the book?

Limefong: To be able to read a book, you need to be able to read.

Candle Man: I CAN READ!

(Limefong goes into the kitchen to find the box cutter, but suddenly, the lights flicker.)

Mystic: I wonder what that is.

(Cuts to the power line above the house. A man made of fire is up there with a saw, trying to cut the line.)

Flames: Come on…

(He cuts the line, and because of gravity, the part that has Flames hanging on it swings and hits the giant pole holding up the lines, ramming his face right into it. The line then snaps and he falls into the trees below.)

Flames: OOF!

(Cuts back to the Candle House. The lights flicker once more and then they go out. Shaduck suddenly screams from the bathroom. He comes out with a towel around him.)

Shaduck: WHO SHUT OFF THE HOT WATER?!

Mystic: (To herself.) Darn it, I should’ve done it.

Candle Man: I think the power’s out!

(Everyone but Limefong screams.)

Limefong: Oh for UCP’s sake, stop acting like children! We have plenty of books to read!

Candle Man: Where?

(Cuts to all of them gaping at a large filled bookshelf in Limefong’s room. He grabs a few books.)

Limefong: “The Count of Monte Serenno”, “Moby Crotch”, “To Kill An Annoying Crow”, “The Mediocre Gatsby”…

Shaduck: Ew, these are all old books.

Limefong: They’re literary classics!

Candle Man: “Classics”. That’s what throws me off.

Shaduck: Do you not at least have anything I can easily understand?

Limefong: Shaduck, I don’t buy childish books.

Shaduck: Aww!

Limefong: Sorry, bud.

Candle Man: We should at least find out how the outage is happening.

Mystic: It might just be a routine power check.

Limefong: No, they have those on Thursdays.

Shaduck: So?

Limefong: It’s Tuesday.

(The Candle Friends rush outside and see the power line was cut.)

Mystic: Who could’ve done this?

(Flames is limping away from the site, and the Candle Friends connect the dots rather quickly.)

Candle Man: Hey, you!

Flames: Gaah! (Runs away, still limping.)

(The Candle Friends run after Flames, but Flames is slightly faster. Flames is about to cross the street when Ivanmaste’s car rolls up and Flames trips and falls in.)

Flames: WHO ARE YOU GUYS?!

Ivanmaste: Relax, hothead. Some group of people told me to pick up three people with your descriptions.

(Flames, who is in the passenger seat, looks behind him, and sees two people, one with slime on them and the other with a giant floor burn over the front of his body.)

Ivanmaste: And to be honest, you guys seem to be not right for the job.

Flames: Job?

Ivanmaste: We’re going to be part of a villain group.

Book: Wait, we’re not right for the job?

Ivanmaste: Based on what you guys look like, yeah.

Flames: ARE YOU SAYING WE'RE UGLY?!

Ivanmaste: No, I’m saying one of you is coated in slime, another is all red and scratched up, and you have a broken leg.

Flames: Small setbacks. Just show who this group is.

(The car stops, and all four get out. They enter a lair, and not even a second later the Spammers appear. Whickey, Kitchen, Gyux, and Maps point inventions at the quartet, and Luis points a broomstick at them.)

Ivanmaste: What’s with the broomstick?

Luis: My lightsaber was stolen. (Eyeing Whickey.) Again.

Whickey: Oh, hush. So, I take it these are the new recruits.

Ivanmaste: Yes, they are.

Kitchen: Good god, what happened to them?

Ivanmaste: Small setbacks, they call them.

Maps: Well what, are we just gonna invite them in?

Whickey: They need to pass a test. All four of them.

Kitchen: First, what are your powers?

Ivanmaste: Powers?

Flames: I’m the only one who has powers here.

Maps: Then you’re Luis’ student.

Whickey: The four of you will earn your wings by taking down a major pain in the neck that has been there for over two months.

Book: And who would those be?

Whickey: A little group called the Candle Friends.

(Meanwhile, Mystic shimmies up a power line pole. Limefong uses telekinesis to give both severed lines to Mystic. She grabs duct tape and is about to tape it. Cuts to the others underneath. In the background while they speak, Mystic gets electrocuted over and over.)

Limefong: Do you think that guy could be a Spammer?

Shaduck: Nah. I doubt anyone who tries to touch power lines with their bare hands could join that team.

Mystic: (Her ponytail actually resembling a straight up tail.) PLEASE TELL ME WHY I HAVE TO DO THIS!

Shaduck: These are bare power lines. What are we, stupid?

(They turn back around to keep talking.)

Candle Man: Is it possible they’re recruiting new members, anyway?

Limefong: Maybe. That package guy could be one.

Shaduck: And Pierre told me this guy was acting up on Chaos.

Candle Man: And we can’t forget that guy who crushed mailboxes!

Shaduck: This seems like a catastrophe!

(Finally, Mystic tapes the two lines together, but nothing happens.)

Mystic: WHAT NOW?!

Shaduck: I think you’re supposed to use electrical tape!

(Mystic screams as her hair goes full frizz. Cuts to Goxic, who is in his house. He reactivates the lightsaber.)

Goxic: Hmm… how do I learn to use this? Hmm… I’ve got it!

(Cuts to him on Mt. Zacariibo. The old man walks out.)

Old man: I sense you need my help.

Goxic: Yeah, I do. (Pulls out his phone.) Do you know of any WeTube channels that train in Jedi arts?

(The old man sighs. Cuts back to the Candle Friends. Mystic is on the ground now, but is wide-eyed and not moving a muscle.)

Candle Man: Do you think we should’ve given her gloves?

(The car rolls back up to the house.)

Limefong: Ugh. What now?!

(The four new recruits get out. Flames’ leg is bandaged, Secretky has changed, leaving his face and hands the only burned parts visible, and Book has wiped off the slime.)

Ivanmaste: Whickey told us we need to destroy you.

Candle Man: Told ya they were Spammers!

Shaduck: You guys are pathetic. You don’t even have powers!

Book: Do we have to?

(They all pull out inventions except Flames, who just readies his fire.)

Secretky: Besides, four on three makes it our advantage.

Limefong: There are four of us!

Ivanmaste: You’re counting the statue?

(They turn around to look at the still-frozen Mystic.)

Candle Man: Please tell me she didn’t die again.

Shaduck: Please tell me she died again!

Limefong: No matter. Let’s fight!… I guess.

Flames: Yes, indeed. (Blasts the ground where the Main 4 are standing and they are launched into the air.)

Candle Man: Alright, time to light it up! (Lands on the floor in a heroic pose and charges at Flames.)

(Flames and Candle Man throw fireballs at each other, doing the exact same moves. Finally when they are both tired, Shaduck walks over.)

Shaduck: Are you guys done yet?

(They get up.)

Candle Man and Flames: Yeah, I think he is.

(They walk away from each other, but both collapse. Shaduck turns around to see Book running toward him with two packages in his hands. Shaduck sees his name on them.)

Shaduck: Hey, THOSE ARE MY BOOKS!

(Shaduck blasts Book with a large laser, propelling him away. Shaduck uses his lasers to open the boxes. Two books are in each.)

Shaduck: YES! THE FULL SUGAR BUNNY SERIES!

(Limefong, being the only Candle Friends active in the fight, slimes Secretky before he can do anything and runs toward Ivanmaste. Ivanmaste grabs a giant hammer, but Limefong uses telekinesis to yank it out of his hands and hit him with it. Ivanmaste is knocked out. Limefong believes he is the only one triumphant in the fight, but Secretky uses the slime Limefong coated him with to stick Limefong to the ground. Flames, Book, and Ivanmaste get up, the Candle Friends more or less defeated, and get in the car. The car rolls away.)

Candle Man: Drat. The Spammers are gonna be stronger than ever! Which by that I mean, strong.

Shaduck: And we just let them get away!

Candle Man: Let’s just forget it and go back inside.

(Candle Man and Limefong pick up Mystic and bring her inside. Shaduck goes in as well and shuts the door. Fades to Goxic in a dark house, once more turning on the lightsaber and practicing with the WeTube video in front of him.)

Goxic: Revenge will be mine. Baghead is going down.

(Cuts to the Candle Friends, Mystic moving again, who walk into the Baghead Wiki. Baghead greets them.)

Baghead: Welcome, my friends. Things have changed since last we met.

Candle Man: Yeah, I heard you fired Goxic.

Mystic: Wait, does that mean you’re the only archiver?

Baghead: No, I have a new assistant archiver, and I think he’ll do great.

Candle Man: Who’s that?

(Cuts to Goxic’s former office, but instead, Pooka is in there. He tries to grab his coffee cup, but down not have hands, so he just nudges it. Finally when he puts the mug around his foot, he lifts up the mug to drink, but realizes he has no mouth.)

Baghead: Well, it looks like things are back to normal.

Limefong: Not really. The Spammers have four new recruits!

Baghead: Oh, dang.

Candle Man: Don’t worry. We can take them.

Baghead: You’d better be able to, because I’m too busy here to save your butts again.

Limefong: Again.

Mystic: Again.

Shaduck: Aga-

Candle Man: I GET THE POINT!

(Cuts to the Spammers’ lair. The four recruits are standing in a line.)

Whickey: For defeating the Candle Friends, I pronounce you all honorary Spammers.

Book: So do we get our own rooms?

Whickey: You get a room.

(Cuts to night. The four new Spammers lay in bunks. Flames and Ivanmaste on the tops of them, and Secretky and Book on the bottoms.)

Ivanmaste: Ugh, stupid leader. I wish I could be the leader.

Book: You’d be an awesome leader!

Flames: Guys, shut up. We don’t want to be called treasonous.

Secretly: Well, either way being called treasonous or not, I’d prefer a different leader over that guy, and when I prefer something, I get it!

Ivanmaste: Well let’s just ride the storm for now.

(A doorbell is heard. Cuts to Whickey in a nightgown and nightcap. He opens the door. Goxic is there.)

Goxic: I heard you need members,

(He holds out his lightsaber, he fingers bashed and bloodstains on the hilt, and activates it, the blue blade crossing past his face.)

Whickey: No, we don’t.

Goxic: What?

Whickey: We’re filled up. Maybe sometime later we will recruit you, but not now.

Goxic: Then GIVE ME A REASON I SHOULDN’T KILL YOU RIGHT NOW!

Whickey: There are eight people ready to avenge me. Now get out.

(He kicks Goxic out.)

Goxic: He’ll regret that.

(Fades, finally, to the Candle Friends, who are all on the couch and watching TV. Mystic and Shaduck are asleep.)

Candle Man: Looks like things are gonna get harder.

Limefong: At least we have a bunch of friends to help us.

Candle Man: Yeah, I guess you’re right.

(Silence.)

Limefong: I’m a little hungry.

Candle Man: (Grabs the coffee table book.) Then let’s use one of these recipes!

(They go into the kitchen.)

Candle Man: Step one, preheat oven to-

(Suddenly, the lights flicker off. Cuts outside, where the tape has failed and the power line is severed again. The lights go out in every house in the neighborhood.)

Candle Man and Limefong: (Offscreen.) DARN IIIIIIIIT!

(Zooms out on the house. Episode ends.)