FILE 9. The Friendship of Enemies

(radio static)

*Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here & There.*

*Episode 9: The Friendship of Enemies*

(intro music)

(radio click)

(recorder click)

JEDIDIAH

(sigh)

The time is… uh… 1:30 PM, and the date is, I — I think June 18th. This is Jedidiah A. A. Martin, co-nurse at Camp Here & There, and I’ll be recording a session of, uh, conflict mediation between (inhale) two people who I had… *dearly* hoped I wouldn’t have to do this with ever again. In accordance with the terms of my employment, I’ve made myself available as a neutral third party for the… oversight? Of… interpersonal conflict which has… grown beyond the… uh… which… mm.

Whatever, you both know how this thing goes.

Alright, you guys know the drill. Lean into the microphone and state your name and your perspective on the relevant issue in a single sentence.

YVONNE

(simultaneously)

Yvonne Marley-

JOSHUA

(simultaneously)

Joshua MacHeath-

YVONNE

UGH!

JOSHUA

Yvonnnnnne, stop interrupting me!

JEDIDIAH

Jesus. Joshua, go first.

JOSHUA

(mocking)

Heh heh.

YVONNE

What are you giggling about?

JOSHUA

Nothing! I’m just… I mean, I got picked first.

YVONNE

You are such a *child* sometimes!

JEDIDIAH

Joshua, if it’s going to become a problem, I’ll state outright that I told you to go first because I wanted to get you out of the way, like a child choking down his brussels sprouts so he can leave the dinner table. *Not* as a show of… *favoritism* towards you.

JOSHUA

Damn, guy, alright—

JEDIDIAH

Name. And. Perspective.

JOSHUA

I’m Joshua MacHeath, and I don’t think Juniper should stay with us. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love the dude, but—

JEDIDIAH

One sentence, thank you. Yvonne?

YVONNE

Yvonne Marley, and I think Joshua is being really stupid about this. Juniper needs a place to crash while his kids go all Young Turk on us, and we’ve got an extra bed since we had one girl go home early. Juniper is not a bad houseguest. He might be a little bit silly and irresponsible, but he’s nice and charismatic and the kids really like him. There’s no reason not to let him sleep in our cabin.

JOSHUA

Okay… she just got, like, four sentences.

JEDIDIAH

Well said, Yvonne, thank you.

JOSHUA

Dude—!

JEDIDIAH

(raising his voice over Joshua’s)

So, the source of contention is Counselor Sloan’s temporary residence in Cabin Silkworm. With that established, you’ll each get a minute to explain your point of view in greater detail. Joshua, you go first again. Starting… now.

JOSHUA

(intentionally deepening his voice)

Fine. (ahem) Last night Juniper lost control of his cabin — you know, like a wimp. He keeps letting his kids, like, undermine his authority, and this is where it gets him! He just — he has no backbone. Like, just a few days ago he was getting hung by his trousers as a sacrificial symbol of anarchy by a bunch of 14-year-olds, and then the other night he gets kicked out of his cabin! Like, they’re *middle schoolers!* Can you really not stand up to a bunch of teenagers? I’d never let something like that happen to me. I mean, I’ve been working on my muscles. Trust me. There’s a certain quality to a man who can inspire the kids in his cabin to respect him—

JEDIDIAH

Please focus, Joshua.

JOSHUA

I’m focused!

YVONNE

No, you’re waffling.

JOSHUA

Hey! No talking during my minute.

JEDIDIAH

You *are* waffling.

JOSHUA

I’m pointing out the problem here! Juniper dumps himself on our doorstep like a scruffy little street-urchin, sleeps in a kid’s bed, and takes it upon himself to plan the day’s activities for our Cabin! Which not only totally derails the activities that *I* put so much effort into planning, but it’s an outright challenge to my title as The Man of the Cabin!

YVONNE

Maybe his activities were just more fun than yours. Considered that?

JOSHUA

(whining)

My minute.

YVONNE

Whatever.

JOSHUA

Juniper doesn’t have to just give in to the pressure from his kids. There are other ways to handle their behavior that don’t uproot the natural order of the camp.

JEDIDIAH

(laughing, can barely finish his sentence)

Natural — natural order?

JOSHUA

Things are set up here in a specific way! My cabin is my territory, and it’s my right to guard it!

YVONNE

Is his minute over yet?

JEDIDIAH

No, I — I want to hear more about the natural order of the camp.

JOSHUA

(once again attempting to deepen his voice)

I’m being serious! We don’t have the space. And our kids have enough trouble respecting my authority without this — this — *interloper* coming and — trying to show me up. Especially since he’s making these claims on my territory after being pushed out of his own.

JEDIDIAH

*Right,* of course!

JOSHUA

I’m worried about this for his sake, too. Juniper can’t let himself get pushed around by a bunch of kids. It’s not healthy. And by sleeping anywhere but his own bed, he’s letting them win. What is that teaching them!?

JEDIDIAH

Mmmmalright, it’s not that funny anymore. Joshua… no more. Yvonne, your turn.

YVONNE

Right. Well, Juniper knocked on our door last night and told us that the kids at Cabin Dungbeetle got their hands on his father’s phone number, and were threatening to call the man and inform him that his son was working as a camp counselor in downstate Ohio. So, see, he didn’t have any choice except to comply with their demands and step down as Counselor of his cabin. It was Lucille’s decision for Juniper to stay in Cabin Silkworm with us, and I didn’t see any problem with it since we do have a spare bed. And I know this is, like, part of Joshua’s problem, but our kids *love* Juniper. He taught us this cute little card game last night, and this morning, he took them out for archery, and he just makes everything so fun for them, he’s just good at talking to teenagers. The only person who doesn’t think that’s awesome is Joshua, who cannot get over his stupid alpha male complex.

JOSHUA

(sigh)

JEDIDIAH

Well put, Yvonne.

JOSHUA

There’s a time and place for fun. Juniper has wasted our time, and our kids’ time, just goofing off. I had a productive and fulfilling day planned for them! We were gonna start by cleaning the cabin — I came up with this game that’s supposed to make cleaning fun —

YVONNE

Cleaning will never be fun. This is a fundamental truth that Juniper understands and you don’t.

JOSHUA

It’s VALUABLE. They’re learning LIFE LESSONS. Which Juniper can’t teach them, because he doesn’t know anything about life.

YVONNE

Can you just admit that you’re just jealous that the kids like him more than you? This would all go way faster.

JOSHUA

I am not! If I’m jealous, I’m jealous of how he can get away with goofing off and mooching off of us and never standing up for himself or doing anything important!

JEDIDIAH

Joshua, your reasons for not wanting Juniper to stay with you are… they’re… your reasons. But he has to stay somewhere.

JOSHUA

I beg to differ.

YVONNE

What?

JOSHUA

If Juniper’s got nowhere to stay, it’s his own fault! That’s survival of the fittest, dude. If you can’t fill your niche, you disappear.

YVONNE

This is not the fucking Discovery channel!

JOSHUA

Okay, I’m sorry for the metaphors! But I was here first, and I pull my weight around camp in a way he just doesn’t. Is it really that ridiculous that I feel like I deserve some respect for that?

YVONNE

Maybe you should start your own Summer Camp where counselors are sorted into Alphas and Omegas.

JEDIDIAH

Do *not* give him ideas.

JOSHUA

Why can’t he stay with Rowan? Rowan’s the only Counselor in his cabin. Since, you know, the… incident last year. Y’know. When his co-counselor got… destroyed.

YVONNE

We knew what you were talking about without you saying it, dude.

JOSHUA

Well, you didn’t react, so how was I supposed to know!?

YVONNE

How did you want me to react to being reminded of how one of my coworkers was destroyed!?

JEDIDIAH

Let’s please not have an argument on top of an argument, guys. Listen, Joshua, it’s only until Lucille sorts the problem out with the kids, right? She’s… very mad at those kids. They will probably be letting Juniper back in by tomorrow. Can you wait?

YVONNE

Of course.

JOSHUA

No way.

JEDIDIAH

(sigh)

JOSHUA

And if you don’t mind me saying, Mr. Mediation, what even is your job here? ‘Cos to me, it seems like you think your job is to convince me to repress my problems.

JEDIDIAH

I’m just trying to get this over with, Joshua.

JOSHUA

Your job is definitely not “getting this over with!” Yvonne, you have to agree, it really seems like he doesn’t care about this.

YVONNE

I mean… of course he doesn’t. It’s not his problem.

JOSHUA

And you’re actually okay with that? You were just talking to me yesterday about how you hate how distant he’s been.

YVONNE

Hey! I did not give you permission to share that!

JEDIDIAH

This session… isn’t about me.

JOSHUA

I’m just trying to point out —!

YVONNE

Stuff that doesn’t even matter! Listen, let’s — there’s a reason we’re here.

JOSHUA

Right. Getting Juniper to move into Rowan’s cabin.

JEDIDIAH

(getting frustrated)

We do not control where Juniper sleeps. That is Lucille’s decision.

JOSHUA

Well, we can — petition her!

JEDIDIAH

**Joshua**, *listen to me.* It has been *one night*, and it will probably only be *one night more.* Juniper is not so powerful to uproot your entire — personal ecosystem in a *day.* Unless it was already on the verge of collapse, which would not surprise me given the way you’re talking about life and relationships so far.

JOSHUA

Jesus. Fine, I am jealous! I’m jealous! Okay? God! Everyone thinks he’s awesome and everyone thinks I’m annoying. Maybe that bothers me a little.

YVONNE

Joshua...

JOSHUA

I don’t know what he actually does that I don’t. Yeah, he’s funny, but he’s… inconsiderate, and irresponsible, and I try really hard around here, and I actually give a shit.

JEDIDIAH

Mm.

YVONNE

(chiding)

It’s kinda stupid of you to hide that sincere reaction behind a bunch of Darwinistic nonsense.

JOSHUA

And we’re supposed to be friends, Yvonne, and you’ve… barely acknowledged me since he got here. How am I supposed to talk to you?

YVONNE

Joshua… (sigh) I’m sorry. Juniper is fun to hang out with, but believe me, he could not replace you, as a co-counselor or a friend. In fact, if they did make him my co-counselor, I would probably quit, ‘cause… he really is irresponsible. (snickering) And a bit of a twit.

JOSHUA

Mm.

YVONNE

That said… I’d appreciate it if the next time you felt insecure, you just said it, instead of turning into a weird, mean natural philosopher about it.

JOSHUA

Yeah, I’m sorry, I guess. I just hope the kids don’t like, hate me.

YVONNE

I really doubt it. I think they’re just excited at the opportunity to goof off a little. Which is good and fine for now. Not sustainable. But fine for a day.

JOSHUA

Sweeping the cabin isn’t, like, the end of the world though. They should be able to do it.

YVONNE

They’re kids, dude. What do you expect?

JOSHUA

I guess you’re right. Well, I’m glad we’re still friends and everything.

YVONNE

(warmly)

Yeah… Me too, dickhead.

JOSHUA

Asshole.

JEDIDIAH

Are we done?

JOSHUA

Wait, one more: Cunt.

JEDIDIAH

Okay.

YVONNE

Shithead.

JEDIDIAH

Guys.

YVONNE

He started it.

JOSHUA

You started it! Fuckface!

YVONNE

You turned one simple, friendly insult into a pissing contest. Which is typical, from you. Pisslord!

JEDIDIAH

Right. It seems like the problem has been solved. Can we call this session adjourned?

YVONNE

Yeah… Okay. I suppose.

JEDIDIAH

I’ll see you around, Yvonne.

YVONNE

(hesitant)

Yeah… sure.

(they get up and walk away)

JOSHUA

Bye, dude.

(the door shuts)

JEDIDIAH

Afterlog notes. Joshua... Sucks. Uh. Yvonne... is cool, I guess… Christ. Sydney… Why do you make me do these? This job? I’m so tired. These meetings never go anywhere, and sometimes I think you just like seeing me flounder and fail at things. Do you like it?

Agh. Fuck. Nevermind. Scratch that. I’m just smashing this tape. A bird ate it. I dropped it in the bonfire. Whatever.

(recorder click)

(radio click)

*Today’s episode was written and produced by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Yvonne Marley was played by Emily Safko. The part of Joshua MacHeath was played by Ty Coker. Camp Here & There is the sole intelectual property of its production company, Mayfield and Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Blue Mayfield and Beetlesprite. Special thanks to our patrons: Taylor Kloiber, Ciel, Imke Nouwen, Arson, and Samantha.*

*For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our patreon, at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our Discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode. Find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.*

*Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There, and remember: The ground keeps whole for only as long as the worthy walk.*