Old Man Patrick

AGING PROCESS BY 30 YEARS PER SECOND

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* *[One morning at SpongeBob's pineapple, SpongeBob looks out the window, then goes out in the hallway. He yawns and sticks his tongue out. Then he comes out wearing a pair of goggles over his eyes rather than his usual pair of glasses to go jellyfishing. He clears his throat.]*
* **SpongeBob:** Hey, Patrick.
* **Patrick:** Hey, SpongeBob.
* **SpongeBob:** All ready to go jellyfishing today?
* **Patrick:** No. Just kidding!
* *[SpongeBob laughs. Patrick shows a net with two scoops]*
* **SpongeBob:** I see you even brought your double net.
* **Patrick:** Yep. It's three times as fun.
* **SpongeBob:** Um, Patrick? Don't you mean twice as fun?
* **Patrick:** What is?
* **SpongeBob:** Your— never mind.
* **Patrick:** Oh, SpongeBob, That reminds me. We should probably check the weather report before we go.
* **SpongeBob:** Good idea.
* *[Cuts back to the pineapple where Patrick and SpongeBob are watching the weather report on TV.]*
* **Phil:** And now the weather.
* **SpongeBob:** Here we go.
* **Bob Preflumster:** Thank you, Phil. Today's weather forecast calls for— *[a piece of paper is given]* A horrible storm will ravage the Bikini Bottom area.
* **Patrick and SpongeBob:** A horrible storm?
* **Bob Preflumster:** You heard me. Panic is not advised although it is recommended. Also, an advisory has been issued to avoid any and all jellyfishing if possible.
* *[TV turns off, SpongeBob now stands in front of his living room window with some boards in his hands]*
* **SpongeBob:** Patrick, help me get these boards nailed up.
* **Patrick:** SpongeBob, this seems like a strange time to start decorating.
* **SpongeBob:** Start dec— you sir, obviously do not recognize fine decorating when you see it.
* *[He goes up to his big bass on the wall to show Patrick what he is talking about.]*
* **Patrick:** Hmm.
* **SpongeBob:** Admire it later, Patrick. Right now, we got to get my house converted into a shelter capable of withstanding extreme weather.
* **Patrick:** You can say that again.
* **SpongeBob:** Actually, I can't.
* **Patrick:** Why?
* **SpongeBob:** Because I just stepped on one of these nails.
* *[shows a picture of SpongeBob's shoe with a nail sticking out. Cut to Squidward's house humming and tweezing his eyebrows]*
* **Squidward:** La da dee, la da da, la da doo. Got ya. Now just one quick flick of the wrist, and—
* *[cut back to SpongeBob's where Patrick angrily hammers a nail causing Squidward to rip off his eyebrow skin]*
* **Squidward:** *[screams]*
* *[He falls and bumps his head on his toilet. He looks at his ripped skin and growls angrily]*
* **Squidward:** Grr!
* *[Scene cuts to SpongeBob's pineapple where SpongeBob and Patrick are hammering his door.]*
* **Patrick:** Violin.
* **SpongeBob:** Whoo! Nice work, buddy. Now my house can withstand anything nature has to throw at us.
* *[Squidward angrily knocks down SpongeBob's door]*
* **Patrick:** I guess Squidward's not part of nature.
* **SpongeBob:** Squidward! Did you come to weather out the storm with us?
* **Squidward:** No! I— what storm?
* **SpongeBob:** The one Preflumster told us about.
* **Squidward:** Who's that?
* **Patrick:** He's the weatherman on the news channel. He said—
* **Squidward:** I can't understand a word you're saying.
* **SpongeBob:** C'mon Squidward, it'll be fun! While the elements rage outside, we'll snuggle in here and pass the time by playing board games, and playing tic-tac-toe, and drinkin' hot cocoa, and playing tic-tac-toe, and doing jigsaw puzzles, and watchin' TV, and drinkin' hot cocoa, and doing jigsaw puzzles, and playin' board games, and drinkin' hot tea...
* **Patrick:** I thought it was cocoa!
* **SpongeBob:** Oh, yeah. Hot cocoa... we'll be drinking.
* **Patrick:** That's better.
* **Squidward:** Well, I think I'll pass.
* **SpongeBob:** Even if I let you borrow my huggly snuggly bunny slippers?
* **Squidward:** Hmm, I'll have to think about that.
* **SpongeBob:** Okay, but you better think fast. Because Patrick really likes my—
* *[Squidward starts to leave when a bolt of lightning strikes. Squidward comes back burnt from the lightning strike]*
* **SpongeBob:** Squidward, welcome back! Here's your slippers.
* *[another bolt of lightning strikes, and a candle is lit]*
* **SpongeBob:** That's better.
* **Squidward:** What's better about it? I liked it better before, when I could see!
* **SpongeBob:** Squidward, the lights went out.
* **Squidward:** Yes, they did, when you turned them off!
* *[Patrick spits out his cocoa]*
* **Patrick:** SpongeBob!
* **SpongeBob:** Patrick! What is it?
* **Patrick:** I never realized how delicious your hot cocoa is.
* **SpongeBob:** Thank you, Patrick.
* **Squidward:** Oh, boy. How about some of those games you promised?
* *[yet another bolt of lightning strikes. The lightning causes impact on SpongeBob's pineapple leaves. SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward get ready to play tic-tac-toe]*
* **SpongeBob:** Okay, boys, let's roll to see who goes first.
* **Squidward:** This is tic-tac-toe. You don't roll to see who goes first.
* **Patrick:** He's right. You play rock, paper, scissors for it.
* **SpongeBob:** Oh, yeah.
* *[shot of the exterior of the pineapple again. Then Patrick holds up a "paper" hand, Squidward also holds up a "paper" hand, and SpongeBob also holds up a "paper" hand]*
* **Patrick:** One.
* **SpongeBob:** Two.
* **Squidward:** Three!
* **SpongeBob:** Oh, it's a tie.
* **Patrick:** Darn it!
* **Patrick, SpongeBob, Squidward:** One, two, three.
* **Patrick:** Darn it! I'll get you next time.
* **Squidward:** One, two, three.
* **SpongeBob:** Tie.
* **Patrick:** Darn it!
* **Squidward:** One, two, three.
* **SpongeBob:** Tie.
* **Patrick:** Darn it!
* *[another shot of the pineapple then cut to Squidward with a tic-tac-toe board already made crossed off the X's]*
* **Squidward:** There, I win. See?
* *[SpongeBob and Patrick are thinking; Patrick is wearing is a bow on his chest and has a pencil on his ear, and SpongeBob is wearing a visor with reading glasses]*
* **Patrick:** I'm not seeing anything there.
* **SpongeBob:** Yeah, it looks like a lot of junk.
* **Squidward:** What do you mean, you're not seeing anything?! There's three in a row right here. Tic-tac-toe!
* **Patrick:** Easy, friend.
* **SpongeBob:** Yeah, relax, Squidward. We're just here to have fun.
* *[he takes out a rulebook for tic-tac-toe and flips through pages]*
* **SpongeBob:** Oh, okay, yeah, okay. Here we go. Congratulations, Squidward.
* *[SpongeBob and Patrick clap]*
* **Patrick:** Well played.
* *[Squidward looks as if he's about to cry. Yet another shot of the pineapple]*
* **SpongeBob:** Come on, Patrick. You can do it.
* *[Patrick groans]*
* **SpongeBob:** Be the puzzle piece.
	+ **Patrick:** Cannot complete jigsaw puzzle! Difficulty level too advanced. Rate of brain activity increasing. Aging process bDFVXCGGBHFGVCBHCVFDGXBCFVGBDC FVCFVBG VCBFG VC BVCB FVB GFHBN HGJBN HJMSXDFN JB,XCV MNXCZDVNBMDSBNFHJGSADBHG JASrhgjvyuasdqwgbvnjesdwahgjnasdhuybasbhg nsagvhb njsahbgvjndshbgjdndsahbgcdjscahbjyugscxahgjyubicxzahbgjmcZDbhcjnmSjhmnbkxvdvdfashUNKIvcdxZHJKIbfvxSHJNcxvbhnjm∫˙˜µ ∆jhknbmxzvcjnhmdfazsJHCkmscaJNMK bdsafejhk, dsnjmb ,sdacjhbkm,ascxzdbnkmucsadfnhkxcdzAJHnkdsfbhnm
* **SpongeBob:** Come on, Grandpa, you can do it. You still got a good few years left in you.
* **Patrick:** Eh? *[holds up ear trumpet]*
* **SpongeBob:** Go, Patrick, go! Go, Patrick, Go! Go, Patrick, go! Go, Patrick, go!
* *[Squidward wakes up from a nap]*
* **Squidward:** Grrr!
* **SpongeBob:** Go, Patrick, go!
* **Squidward:** I told you creatures I was trying to take a nap over here. Now for the last time can't you just—
* **SpongeBob:** Hang on, Squidward. Patrick was just about to figure out where this last piece of the puzzle goes. Weren't you, Patrick?!
* **Patrick:** Who's the green guy?
* **Squidward:** It's the last piece of the puzzle! There's only one place it can go. Right here!
* **SpongeBob:** *[gasps]* Squidward. It wasn't your turn. That's cheating.
* **Squidward:** Cheating?! It's a jigsaw puzzle! You can't cheat!
* **SpongeBob:** Oh, it's okay, Squidward. We'll just start over.
* *[SpongeBob jumbles the pieces, Squidward mumbles]*
* **Squidward:** I've got to get out of here!
* *[yet another lightning bolt strikes Squidward he comes back burnt again]*
* **SpongeBob:** Oh, welcome back, Squidward. We were about to figure out where the first piece of the puzzle goes. Oh, maybe Squidward can help us fig—
* **Squidward:** No, I can't.
* **SpongeBob:** Please, Squidward?
* **Squidward:** No way.
* **SpongeBob:** Please...
* **Squidward:** I have an even better idea.
* **SpongeBob:** What is it?
* **Patrick:** Tell us.
* **SpongeBob and Patrick:** Tell us! Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!
* **Squidward:** Shh. Quiet time. It's a game called "boundaries."
* **Patrick:** Ooh-ooh-ooh!
* **Squidward:** Yes, Patrick?
* **Patrick:** Will there be any spelling in this game?
* **Squidward:** Oh, no, no spelling.
* **Patrick:** Yes!
* **Squidward:** It's very simple. The object of the game is to see how long everyone leaves Squidward alone until the storm passes. He will stay inside boundaries, he'll define by chalk lines on the floor.
* **SpongeBob:** I have a question.
* **Squidward:** What?
* **SpongeBob:** Where are you going to get the chalk?
* **Squidward:** I brought some!
* *[yet another flash of lightning. An organ plays an ominous tune as Squidward goes up to SpongeBob's room. He draws the chalk line at the top of the stairs then tosses the chalk to SpongeBob and Patrick. Then, Squidward slams SpongeBob's bedroom door.]*
* **Squidward:** Brilliant work, as usual, Squidward. Now all I have to do is sit here until this storm blows over. *[his stomach starts growling]* Wait a minute. I'm starving. SpongeBob's got to have some snacks around here somewhere. Ah, Jackpot. *[he starts eating snail food]*
* **Gary:** Meow.
* **Squidward:** *[laughs at Gary]* I bet you wish you had some of this, don't—? Snail food? *[he spits the food out]* I've got to get some real food. *[SpongeBob is now dressed as a security guard]*
* **SpongeBob:** Halt! Nobody's to cross this boundary.
* **Squidward:** I'm the one who drew the line. You're not supposed to cross.
* **SpongeBob:** If you're the one who drew it, let me see some identification papers.
* **Squidward:** Identific—? Fine. But when this storm blows over, you'll regret this, mister. What the— what? I don't have them. they must be in my other pants. Look, if you just let me cross, I can go get them. Please, I promise I'll—
* **SpongeBob:** Hmm. You may be telling the truth.
* **Squidward:** Oh, thank you. I'm just so hungry.
* **SpongeBob:** But then again, you may not. Come with me. We shall find out the truth.
* **Squidward:** That'll be the day.
* *[Squidward runs downstairs, SpongeBob blows his whistle. Squidward makes it towards the kitchen, and start taking food from SpongeBob's refrigerator]*
* **SpongeBob:** Stop that cephalopod!
* *[he jumps out of his security guard costume leaving on his underwear, and jumps on Squidward's back]*
* **Squidward:** Please. I just want to get back... onto my side of boundary.
* **SpongeBob:** This, I cannot allow. It is against the rules.
* **Squidward:** But all I wanted was something to eat.
* **Patrick:** Did somebody say something to eat?
* **SpongeBob:** Patrick, look out!
* **Squidward:** Whoa! *[screams]*
* *[SpongeBob and Squidward run into Patrick leaving food everywhere]*
* **Squidward:** My food!
* **SpongeBob:** Your food?
* **Patrick:** Hey, I want some too.
* *[they run around in circles screaming and acting like cavemen. SpongeBob takes a piece of bread. Patrick takes a can and chews on it. Squidward runs past him and Patrick protects his can. Squidward has a hamburger but SpongeBob takes it. SpongeBob and Squidward pull but the hamburger sticks to the ceiling.]*
* **Squidward:** Is this what we've really come to? Is one little storm all it takes to turn us all into complete animals?
* **SpongeBob:** Apparently so. Well, that and a refrigerator full of food anyways.
* **Squidward:** Hey, did you hear that?
* **SpongeBob:** Oh, it's just Patrick gnawing on his can. *[Patrick gnaws his can]*
* **Squidward:** No, no, no, no, no, no, not that. I mean from outside.
* **SpongeBob:** I don't hear anything.
* **Squidward:** The storm must've stopped.
* **SpongeBob:** Squidward, wait!
* **Squidward:** Woo-hoo! So long, suckers! *[screams]*
* *[SpongeBob's pineapple is now at the top of a tornado and Squidward falls down from the top to the ground.]*
* **Squidward:** Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster!