Lost 70s to 2000s commercials

Made on September 5, 2019

Hello. My name isn't important. Neither is my ASL: Age, Sex, Location. What is important however, is this anecdote I am about to explain in full detail.

The retros was the best decade in the history of the world. I love anything and everything pertaining to the retros. I own several Atari Systems, NES SNES Xbox Ps1 Sega Dreamcast, (plural by the way) and GameCube. I even have 5 Ps2. I have almost 100 different VCRs and DVD that I swap out every so often for some casual television enjoyment. I have a vast VHS and DVD collection including an claymation of curious George. All of my appliances and furniture are from the 90s. All I eat is Lunchables and Yoplait Trix yogurt, and all I drink is Pepsi vanilla and Sprite. After passing my 34th kidney stone this month, I went to go check YouTube on my 2000s Lenovo Thinkpad that I rigged to be able to browse the inferior "modern" World Wide Web. I was in the mood for some nostalgic 70s to 2000s commercials to cure my chronic depression and take my mind off of my perpetual existential crisis.

I found one of those commercial compilations that I could sit back and relax to. It was titled “NEW 70S TO 2000s COMMERCIAL 2019 COMPILATION (NEVER BEFORE SEEN ON YOUTUBE)” so I was really excited. So excited that my fanny pack started to rise, I soon realized I just got an erection under my fanny pack. So I grabbed a Lunchable and a Pepsi Vanilla and hit “Play” on the video. Oh, do I regret that decision. Oh God do I. The first of many odd things to ensue is that it immediately went into fullscreen like something hijacked my laptop the moment I hit play and put the video on fullscreen. The first commercial was pretty normal. It was a commercial on Jimmy Dean sausage starring good ol’ Jimmy dean, you know, TIGHT PAR OF PANTS READY TO RIP.

He started off with normal dialogue. “Sausages a great choice to get your day started.” Then he pulled out a syringe and gave himself a shot. Drugs? Jimmy dean took a drug shot on camera during a commercial?! “It’s insulin dummy. My tight par of pants is ready to rip.” HE SWORE IN A TELEVISED ADVERTISEMENT FOR SAUSAGE? “Insulin’s an even better way to get your day started.” He moved his mouth around. It then faded to Jimmy laying on a bed in a dimly lit room, covered head to toe in insulin needles. “Oh, don’t mind me,” he chuckled. “Just doing some acupuncture.” The camera zoomed out to show a human-sized pack of Jimmy dean sausage placing the needles in Jimmy’s skin. It wasn’t a costume, it looked too damn real to be that. This commercial’s been going on for too damn long. It then faded to Jimmy and the pack of Jimmy dean sausage eating breakfast the next day. The sausage pack got a package in the mail. The mailman comedically throwing the package at the sausages “head” as he fell backwards with the force. Bringing the package in, I noticed the package said “From Jimmy dean coworkers” on the label. The Sausage pack opened the package only to find a note inside that says “YOUR TIGHT PAR OF PANTS IS READY TO RIP” in thick, red… Sharpie. The sausage looked shocked then looked downwards, forlorn about the news. Jimmy started speaking. “You know what else,” he inquired. “You’re a pack of sausage eating sausage, you sick fricken cannibal.” The camera zoomed into Jimmy’s mouth. Then the camera panned out to the pack of sausage.

The pack of sausage let out a deafeningly loud scream. So loud that turning the volume down to 1% was still too loud. He screamed and screamed away as Jimmy just sat there wiggling his mouth. The Sausage pack got out a .357 magnum revolver, and shot himself. Jimmy was just sitting there eating his sausage. Ultra realistic sausage poured from the sausage pack’s fresh wound as he slumped to the ground cold, unmoving, dead. Jimmy took out a ladle, bight some of the sausage pack’s innards, plopping them into his plate before throwing in some cinnamon and blueberrie pancake, and began to eat them. The camera zoomed tightly into Jimmy’s face as he winked at the camera, wiggling his mouth around as the commercial faded to black. I decided I have had enough and went to get out of the video, but my laptop wouldn’t let me. It was frozen while the video was still playing. I couldn’t even bring up the slider bar to see how much time was left. So I was just forced to sit and watch. The next commercial for Kinder Surprise Eggs was made In 1984 by company "Ferrero". It contains a real life looking Humpty Dumpty like figure sitting on a wall with a sunset in the background. The figure then says random Gibberish until he opens up the egg and looks at the viewer and says "Chocadooby" and pulls out the toy. At the end he falls of the wall while saying wee! and the words: "Suprise Chocolate Eggs" are seen and the advert fades to black. This puzzled me greatly, especially since if it’s a chocolate eggs,I’d know about it, but I’ve never heard of a chocolate from Ferrero. I later googled it after the compilation was over and all I got as results were one of those stupid fake cursed videos. Now, you may be thinking that this is a funny advertisement too. No. This is all 100% real. From the horse’s mouth, I have never lied to anyone in my existence. Lying is for losers. The next commercial was about Pepsi, starring Jay Gilstrap. “INTRODUCIN’ PEPSI BLOOD RED!” Jay enthusiastically shouted at the camera with eyes as big as basketballs. “ZIP ZOP ZOOBITY BOP!” He begins slitting his wrists and lets the blood pour into a Pepsi can and a bottle. He grabs a drink of blood red and gives it a taste. “TASTES LIKE WHAMMO JAM FLIM FLIGGITY!” He begins rapping about Pepsi blood red as he does the Michael Jackson crotch grab and several poorly animated 3D skeletons dance behind him. “PEPSI GOT A NEW DRINK THAT’LL ROCK YOUR SOCKS AND WON’T STOP, THEY’RE CALLED THE BLOOD RED AND THEY’LL SURELY FLIP YOUR TOP! FLIMITY FLEW, COO COO KA-CHOO, ONE FOR ME AND ENOUGH FOR ALL OF YOU!” He ends the commercial by doing a split, ending the song, but unfortunately for Jay, he couldn’t get up after doing the split, so he just sat there for another 5 seconds, the camera fading out as he grew razor sharp teeth and horns. The last commercial was probably the worst of them all. It was a Subway commercial. It started off with Jared in a dark room eating a Sub. “There once was a man from Nantucket, whose dick was so long he could suck it. He walked down the street, swinging his meat, carrying his balls in a bucket.” What the hell was that limerick? He laughed so hard he started choking on his sub. Blood started oozing out of the subway guys mouth as he coughed harder than I’ve ever heard any human cough before. He did one last big cough, coughing up a human grownup. He then chopped the grownup into pieces before frying some flesh and innards in a pan, and placing it all between two breads. He then stepped out of the dark room, into a bright, colorful Subways’s. He served the sandwich that looks exactly like a Sub to a tall pale Santan in a suit with no face. Somehow though, the santan was able to communicate. He asked Jared “Where is my large blood?” Jared handed the santan a large cup of blood and the weird man started scarfing back the sub and finishing his drink with no mouth. What I saw was 10 minutes of a santan with no face smearing a sub made of cooked grownup insides all over his orficeless face, and poking the straw of his cup on his face. It then cuts to a nearby table where a man is munching down on some chips, but upon further inspection, he was about to eat a box of severed human fingers! I was genuinely disgusted. The unsuspecting man bit into a finger, quickly reeling back and spitting it out. “What the hell is this?” he shouted. Jared stepped into frame, insisting that they were “new” chips. The man tried running away, calling Jared a sick frick. Jared caught up to the man, grabbing him and picking him up, breaking his spine over his knee. “YOU DESERVE A BREAK TODAY!” Jared screeched as the body slumped over in two separate angles. Jared then caught several people in the restrooms, kicking each other through the tunnels, throwing used diapers and spitting at each other in the ballpit. Jared took a bite out of a Sub, supposedly his power source, before saying under his breath, in G major, “fricken little crap.” He then stormed into the restrooms at blazingly high speed, grabbing every single people and devouring them whole. He then stepped out of the restrooms, looking as normal as ever, then said “Well, back to business!” The classic Subway’s logo appears at the bottom right hand corner of the screen as Jared rips an earth-shaking belch that goes on for 10 seconds, the commercial fading out, effectively cutting his belch short. And with that, the compilation was over. The video stopped, and I started to smell something funny after I heard what sounded like something hitting the fan of my laptop. I lifted it up off my desk, and there lay a big fricken turd where my laptop was. My fricken laptop just took a huge crap. Well that’s just fricken great. I got the mess cleaned up, and went back to my laptop. It was oddly off, and refused to turn back on. I was flipping out before I realized the battery had just popped out. I put it back in and powered it on. It had upgraded itself to Windows 7. I didn’t give a shit anymore. I was done being a fanatic of the retros. I threw out all of my retros memorabilia, and sold the rest of my Pepsi vanilla for $999,999,999,999 and 99 cents, with 1 cent shipping. Some stupid frick was dumb enough to buy it and made a YouTube video chugging it and then projectile vomiting all over the place. Oh, what some people will do in the name of fame and retros nostalgia. As for myself, I’ve gotten with the times. I bought myself one of those iPod things after getting rid of my Walkman, upgraded to a flat-screen TV, got a Commadore 64, and a Blu Ray player. I’d say I’m a lot happier now with today’s technology, or at least I think it is since I used to see advertisements for all of these things before analog television got cut off. I was playing Games for my C64 when I heard a knock on my door. I looked through the peephole to see who it was, and to my surprise, there was Jared The subway guy, Jay gilstrap, and Jimmy dean at my door, playing Rock, Paper, Scissors as they waited for me to answer. I immediately thought of the compilation I saw the week prior. Trying to convince them that no one was home, I decided to sneak out through the back door. While making comedic tiptoes to my back door, I heard a deafeningly loud noise coming from the other side of the house. Apparently, Jared and Gilstrap used Jimmy as a battering ram to bust through my front door. I immediately gave up sneaking and bolted to my back door. Jared caught up to me however, with the supermario speed his shoes he wears gives him, that he seemingly recently painted to look like Super Mario’s sneakers. “What’s the rush, Gerald?” Jared spoke with a gay lisp. I wasn’t necessarily surprised he knew my name, since I now believed anything can happen, having three notable people show up at my door. Jay Gilstrap walked slowly towards me, holding a can and an bottle, smiling big and large. I shouted “JAY, YOU DON’T WANNA DO THIS, YOU’RE IN ENOUGH LEGAL TROUBLE AS IT IS!” Jay became enraged and threw a comically large pill at my face, into my mouth and down my throat. I immediately passed out. I woke up sometime later, strapped to my desk chair, wrists slit, body covered in insulin needles, and a Sub made of grownup’s organs staring me in the face with Jared holding it, with a hideous, crap-eating grin on his face. Jay gillstrap and Jimmy dean were having small talk across the room over a couple of blood red… made from my own blood. Jared said ‘Open wide you disgusting retros sack of crap.” I refused to open my mouth. Jared took one of his shoe-clad feet and stomped on my foot. I screamed in agonizing pain as Jared shoved the disgusting human sandwich into my mouth. I immediately threw up, all over his shoes. Jared flipped the frick out. He screamed like a banshee as he went to clean his shoes. Jay gilstrap went to go help Jared as Jimmy got up, approaching me. He observed my situation very closely for a good 30 seconds before speaking. “You sir are indeed in quite a pickle.” He then materialized a giant pack of Jimmy dean sausage, holding my mouth open and dumping the entire pack of sausage down my poor throat. I choked, and choked, and choked some more. I got a big clump of sausage down my windpipe, getting stuck as I started trying to breathe. My airway was hopelessly clogged. As I sat there, gasping for air, I started to see my vision going dark. Jimmy was cackling something absolutely funny as things continued going dark. The last thing I saw before passing on, was Jimmy’s big mouth, wiggling and wiggling away as he watched me suffer and perish at his hands. Then a picture slide appeared saying “In loving memory of Gerald Stevan: 1972 - 2019” and displaying my tombstone, with Jared the subway guy pissing on it. The music was the most gut-wrenchingly somber thing I had ever heard. Then everything completely faded to black.

And then I closed my laptop and went to bed.