What Is Going On?

What Is Going On? is the seventh chapter in the Wombles One.

“Are you sure this is safe Tobermory?” asked Wellington, who was hanging on a very thin wire that was attached to a tree, whilst wearing his Super Womble costume.  Tobermory simply replied, “I’m Wombat!”  “You don’t say much else when you’re in that costume, do you?” “No, not really.”  “Why?”  “Because I’m Wombat!”

A phone rang.   Mother answered it.  “Not that one!” said his PA.  He put down the blue and tried the purple one.  “No” said his PA.  Mother got annoyed.  “White, brown, green, red?”  His PA replied, “No, no, yes, no”.  Mother picked up the green phone “Mother”.  The voice at the other end replied in a sort of comedy accent “No! I’m not your mother.  The name’s Speel, Mr Speel.”

“What do you want want Speel Mr Speel?”  “It’s just Mr Speel.  I know where the milk man is but I’ll only talk to Steed and King.”  “I’ll send Steed and Dr King then.  Where are you?” replied Mother.  “Vaudevilla and I want TARA King.  I don’t need a doctor!” Mr Speel answered.

Steed and Tara suddenly woke up (because Mother kicked them).  “Steed!  Tara! Vaudevilla NOW!”  Mother shouted.  They leapt into the Bentley and roared off narrowly missing Venus.  She sang about it.

“I was jumping out of, the way of a car, I fell on the floor but I didn’t fall far.”  Just then she fell down a deep hole.

Steed pressed on to Vaudevilla.  He knocked at the door.  A clown answered.  “Jolly Jack?” Steed shook his head.  “Gentleman Jack?” asked the clown.  Steed shook his head again.  The clown got annoyed.  “Stop shaking my head!” he shouted.  Steed ignored him and walked in with Tara.  A very feminine looking man stood before them.  The man had a comedy moustache and surprisingly curvaceous figure.

“Mr Speel here!” he said in a comedy voice.  “I’m Steed” replied Steed.  “And I am Miss Peel!” revealed the Mr Speel ripping off the moustache.  She carried on “Tara King I challenge you to a dual for Steed’s hand in marriage!”.

Tara shrugged “OK but I’ll obviously win as I am sooo young, beautiful and a Kung Fu Master!”.   Miss Peel put her hands on her hips and glared back. “I am a black belt Karate champion with a pout that render a man helpless for several days!”

With that she leapt through the air at Tara.  Tara caught Miss Peel’s legs and threw her into a big box.  The box slammed shut.  A man with weird glasses and a blow torch locked it.  Miss Peel pouted at him.  The man, Fiery Frederick, unlocked the box and switched off his blow torch.  Tara was already there and threw Miss Peel into a Punch and Judy theatre.  She immediately grabbed Mr Punch.  Tara leapt in and grabbed the Policeman.  Miss Peel on her funny voice saying “That’s the way to do it!” and hit the Policeman with Mr Punch’s stick.  The Policeman whacked Mr Punch with his truncheon.

Three hours later the rivals were exhausted but Mr Punch had one more swing of his stick.  The Policeman fell off Tara’s hand.  Miss Peel shouted exultantly “Steed!  Marry me!”.  Steed was going to say no but she pouted.  He changed his mind.

Cousin Botany was getting annoyed now.  “How long have I been hanging in this net?” he asked.  Shansi was just passing underneath and didn’t even know that the net was there so thought it was a ghost and trembled so much that she could barely move.  Suddenly Cousin Botany heard a creaking sound.  “Uh-oh…” he said, then the rope holding the net up snapped and fell on top of Shansi.  She screamed. At least, she tried to, but having an old womble on her made it come out as, “Mmmmooommiiiimmmeee!”  Cousin Botany rolled his eyes, thinking she was calling for her mum, or, as he heard, Mummy.  He got up and muttered, “Silly Womble!  Should be more careful!”  He walked away, without realising he had accidentally stepped into MacWomble’s balloon. Unfortunately right at this time Cairngorm was playing the bagpipes along with ten of his Scottish friends who had previously stowed away in the balloon, so it started to lift.  Shansi didn’t notice until it was two metres above the ground.  She then grabbed on to the rope that dangled from it then realised her mistake as she and Cousin Botany were sailing along in the sky, leaving England and heading towards Ireland!

When they landed, an Irish womble greeted them.  “Toppa the mornin’ to ya!” they said, “Welcome to the capital city of Ireland! It keeps on doublin’ and doublin’ and doublin’!”  “Um… who are you?” asked Cousin Botany.  “Moscow ‘O, Womble!” replied the Irish womble.   “Oh, and by the way, do you have any hot cross buns?”  Luckily Shansi had been carrying a tray with one on when she found Cousin Botany, so gave it to him.  “Tanks a million!” he said and ate it.  “Now that I’ve had a bun I can show you round the place!”  Shansi just shrugged, and went on the tour, but Cousin Botany stayed in the balloon.  When they reached the town centre, they suddenly heard a terrible noise.  “Sorry if it’s too noisy!” apologised Moscow. “But lots of Scottish tourists are here and they rather like to play to pipes!”  Immediately realising that this would’ve lifted the balloon again, she ran off and got in with Cousin Botany.  They were off again!  Moscow called after them, “Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!”

The next day, Bungo woke up. He appeared to be back in his room in the burrow.  He opened the window to let in some light, but what he saw outside was the village!  He went out, and headed to the beach. “Where am I?” he asked.  “In the village.” Replied a voice.  Bungo was slightly frightened at the fact that he couldn’t see who it was, but he just continued heading to the beach and asked, “What do you want?”  “Information.” Replied the voice. “Who’s side are you on?”  “That would be telling.  We want information.  Information. Information!  Information!”  (Bungo had reached the beach now, and was running.)  “You’re not getting it!”  “By Womble or by Avenger, we are.”  “Who are you?”  “The new number two.”  “Who is number one?”  “You are number six.”  “I am not a number!  I am a free womble!”  “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

The balloon landed in Germany.  They were greeted by a German womble.  “Hello!” they said.  “I am Oslo Von Vomble!”  “What is a vomble?” asked Shansi.  “Ve are vombles!” replied Oslo.  “What are Ve?” asked Cousin Botany.  “I just told you! Ve are Vombles!” replied Oslo.  “Um… do you mean we are wombles?”  “Yes!  That’s vhat I said!  Ve are Vombles!”  “Um…” said Shansi.  Suddenly an arrow was fired into the balloon, and it started to deflate.  All its memory was lost.  “Why was there a memory stick in the balloon?” asked Shansi. “Sorry!” called the Archer who had fired the dart.  (Not the Batman villain)  “Um… that’s alright!” called back Shansi, but Cousin Botany grunted.  “Tell you vhat,” said Oslo.  “I’ll give you a ride home.  Vhere do you live?”  “Um, if you mean where do you live, under Wimbledon common.”  “Ok then!  Vimbledon it is!”  “Er, that’s Wimbledon.”  “That’s vhat I said!”  And he took them home in his own balloon, which was luckily not powered by bagpipes like MacWomble’s.

Bungo was angry as he had just been put back in the village after trying to escape in a helicopter he found on the beach.  Oddly the keys were left in the helicopter along with a deluxe edition of How to fly a helicopter for dummies.  He had landed on what looked like a different beach, got out, shouted woo hoo but had then been caught by that irritating balloon.  Just before it got him Bungo asked the balloon it’s name.  The balloon replied “Rooooveeeer”.  Bungo just shrugged and got dragged back to apartment number six.

On arriving back he stormed up to Number Two’s tower room.  The chair turned around and he saw Alderney sitting there.  “I am the new number two” she said.  Bungo laughed and replied “no you’re not, you’re Alderney”. Alderney ignored him and said “You are number six.  Information, we want information!”  Bungo just walked out but Rover was outside so he went back in.  “We want to know who you told A, B or C.  I’ll just give you an injection now.”  Bungo was wisely worried because this would have made him evil like Alderney and Orinoco.  He grabbed the needle and ran off with it.  As he got outside Bungo stabbed Rover with it.  “Take that Roooveeer!” he said whilst running away.