Sailor Moon

"This girl will not hesitate to smoke 40 packs a day if it helps her numb the pain."

### Relatives

Chad Rex (husband), Omar Denis Junior Bongo Ondimba (Father), Yacine Queenie Bongo Ondimba (Mother)

## Appearances

### Debut

Schindler's List

Sailor Moon is the teritiary protagonist of the ninth instalment of the Character Kart Racing Series, "Character Kart Racing: Road Rage - Serial Manslaughter Edition". She is unlocked after the player maintains an AFK status for 500 hours.

## Bio

Sailor Moon was born into a gypsy merchant family in the People's Republic of Congo. She suffered from a crippling Heroin addiction until the age of 8.

When reflecting on the storied life of Jane, known to many as "Sailor Moon", it is impossible to start anywhere other than her encounter with Chad Rex. It was one day in the middle of a scorching hot January. Sailor Moon was preparing her fifth daily dose of Heroin when all of a sudden her family's gypsy carrivan went up in flames, killing everyone inside. Sailor Moon miraculously survived the incident because at the time she staying at her uncle's house in Nairobi, the capital city of Zimbabwe.

Police investigated the charred remains of the carrivan and instantly detected strong signs of sigma energy. This cleared away any room for doubt - this attack was the work of ISIS. The following day, Sailor Moon was summoned to the staff room of a local IKEA store by the Congo Police Force for questioning. This was a huge inconvenience for the young girl, as it was just three days away from her 9th birthday and she was just about to depart for a week's vacation in South End, England to celebrate. Nonetheless, she knew that the Congo police force operated like an organised mafia, and that refusal to obey their summons would result in either immediate execution, or being forced to testify in high court under the jurisdiction of Objectormann, a man known for sentencing people to death in federal prison. Thus, she begrudgingly decided to obey the orders given to her.

Upon walking into the IKEA staffroom however, she found no policemen or detectives. Instead she was greeted by a man with an overwhelmingly masculine frame. it was none other than Chad Rex. Chad Rex revealed to Sailor Moon that he is in fact the leader of ISIS and that he personally organised the attack on her family's carrivan. His motives for doing so were simple. Sailor Moon's parents were vehemently opposed to Chad Rex's plans to wed Sailor moon and make her his wife. But now that they were decidedly out of the picture, there was no longer anything standing in his way. Their wedding was to take place in 3 days’ time.

And so, instead of spending a week sunbathing on a drab grey beach in Leigh-on-Sea, Sailor Moon celebrated her 9th birthday by getting married to Chad Rex.

By the time of her eventual death, she had produced 4.5 children.

The second most notable period of Sailor Moon's life is widely considered by historians to be her early 20s. At age 22, she learnt that she had the aptitude to become a Magical Girl (A type of female with magical powers), something she had desired to do ever since she was dropped at birth. In order to trigger her Magical Girl transformation, she must first yell the phrase "white makes right" and then down a 2L bottle of liquidised Potassium Sulphate.

Whilst transformed, Sailor Moon gains a 50% boost to her speed. However, to counterbalance this, her IQ drops from its normal value of 79 to a staggering 45 (A whopping 43% decrease). She also gains the ability to fly, a power that has a unique property - for each second she spends airborne, her body releases 32.42bn kilotons of CO2, a figure that dwarfs the lifetime recorded carbon footprint of the entire population of China.

As a magical girl, Sailor Moon travelled across Africa taking out various groups of undesirable people who Chad Rex considered to be a particular threat to society. Her proudest moment was using her magical powers to sever the gas pipes at the Gbagada Premier Inn on the day that it was hosting the largest ever African Brony convention to ever be organised. The resulting gas leak subjected all the attendees to a slow and painful death, and completely eradicated Autism from the whole of the continent.

King Frances Eakh, ruler of the Chinese Taipei, and known to many as “The Earth Cleanser” for his just treatment of the Chinese Brony population, praised Sailor Moon for this accomplishment. He wrote in his memoirs (that were released to the public through an exclusive deal with Morrisons) that he felt personally touched that there was someone else in the world who was dedicated to the noble cause of ridding the world of bronies.

Tragedy struck Sailor Moon when she reached 43 years of age. She discovered that she could no longer awaken her Magical Girl Powers. This left her anxious and beset by worry over her future. She attempted to drown out these feelings by consuming a Single Sausage that she picked up from the Wheat-Free aisle at her local Tesco Home Plus Superstore, but after taking one bite into it, she became consumed by depression. This combined with her lQ sent her spiralling into a severe nihilstic phase. Not one to let mental illness keep her from aiming high however, she decided to harness the unique outlook on society that her nihilism had brought about, and write a book exploring the impact that Drugs and other harmful substances have on society. She felt particularly equipped to write about such a subject due to her extensive childhood history with Heroin.

2 years later, she successfully completed and published her book, which was titled "Believe in the Possibility: The Words of Michelle Obama". This book proved to be incredibly popular, selling over 270 billion copies in the first year it was on sale. It also became a New York Times Best Seller. Shortly afterwards, the New York Times headquarters was complitely obliterated in an ISIS attack perpitrated by Chad Rex. The success of her book led her to become inundated with letters from fans eagerly requesting that she start sending out signed copies of the book, something she was more than happy to do. Rather than use her signature though, Sailor Moon preferred to sign the front page of each book with the phrase "America should be an ethnostate" written in Swahili (Although she has never once mentioned which ethnicity she is referring to).

The other major outcome of her success was that she was invited by her publisher, Puffin books, to partake in a speaking tour all across the globe. The hope was that this would allow her to further promote and build upon the ideas explored in the book. Whilst taking questions from the audience after a particularly large event held at the Kids Masterpiece Theatre in Belarus, Chancellor Palpatine stood up and asked her if she could simplify the message of her book down to a single sentence, and if she could, what would it be? To this she responded: "Wherever possible, one should not abuse substances, but instead children". This answer was met with a standing ovation.

## Default Vehicle

Sailor Moon whizzes round the track on a Unicyle produced by the toy company, "Early Learning Centre." This vehicle has a top speed of 3mph and can only travel 4 metres before collapsing under her weight (it is designed for use by children aged up to 4). Critics have pointed out that since Sailor Moon is a sailor, her vehicle of choice should be modeled after a boat. However Sailor Moon is currently prohited from operating any sort of motor powered vehicle. This is rumoured to be due to her low IQ, but is actually because she was repeatedly caught doing 182 in a preschool zone whilst driving her Great Grandma's mobility scooter.

## Special talents

Sailor Moon has a wide array of talents, similar to Chad Rex.

Her talents consist of:

Borderline Mental Retardation - Sailor Moon has a below average of IQ of 79, this means she is classified as being severely cognitively challenged.

Heavy Smoking - Sailor Moon can smoke up to 50 packets a day without suffering any negative side effects.

Writing - Sailor Moon is an accomplished author.

Oboe extraordinaire - At aged 15, Sailor Moon mastered the Oboe to an unprecedented level of skill.