XVI. Einstein and Mandler's Day Off

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You are Albert Einstein, a renowned scientist, and author of the world-famous essay "Gru's Cock". You are in Doktor Zork's Lair.

"Hello, Mr. Einstein," says Zork. "I am Dr. Zork."

"Ah, I see you've read my book 'Gru's Cock' as well as my other works on the subject of cockfighting," says Einstein.

"It is quite obvious that I have an excellent knowledge of this matter."

"Indeed," says Zork. "However, it seems to me that your knowledge would be better served by studying the subject from the perspective of a professional cockfighter rather than merely reading about it.

> You say "How bout we have a cock fight right here?"

"Sure thing, Mr. Einstein," says Zork. "Come with me into the main room where I can show you how it's done."

Zork leads you through a series of rooms filled with various animals being killed for their meat and organs.

> You whip out your cock and balls.

"Now then, let us begin!" says Zork. He begins whipping his dick at you.

"Agh! Agh! Stop!" screams Einstein. "This isn't working!"

"Oh, yes it is!" says Zork. "If you don't stop beating your cock against my hand, I'll just keep doing this until you give up and let me fuck you."

"No!" cries Einstein. "Not yet! I'm not going to do anything unless you let me finish first!"

"Well what are you waiting for? Come on, let's get started!"

The two of you proceed to have a cockfight.

> You slap Zork's cock with a fork, and punch his balls.

"Hey, if you're gonna beat my balls, why don't you just hit me instead of using your hands?" asks Zork.

Einstein continues to try to avoid getting beaten up by Zork. Eventually he manages to grab him and throw him onto the ground.

> You invoke the Phallic Constants.

"KILL ME, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" yells Zork.

Suddenly a giant snake slithers out of nowhere and wraps itself around Zork's neck. The snake starts sucking his blood, which causes him to scream even more loudly.

> You cum.

"AAARGH!" screams Zork.

He releases a massive burst of semen all over the place, including directly on Einstein who was trying to catch some himself.

"AAAAHHHHHHH!!!" shrieks Zork as he falls off the table and into the floor.

> You say "have a seizure "

You immediately go back to Einstein and start punching him in the head.

"STOP IT!" screams Zork. "I told you not to hurt him! Now I want you both dead."

You continue to pound on his skull, but he doesn't die.

Instead he gets up and runs away.

"What the hell is wrong with you?! How come you didn't kill him?!"

"Because I love him!" you exclaim. "And that's not an option anymore."

Gru breaks through the ceiling, and snatches Einstein up before he can escape.

"Come on, Einstein," Gru says. "Let's go home."

You and Einstein walk back to the house together. When you arrive, you find that it looks exactly like when you left it yesterday morning.

No one has been there since then.

"Where did you guys go?" asks Einstein. "Did someone take them?"

"Nah, they were fine," you reply. "They must've gotten lost or something."

cum

"So...what now?"

> You cum.

You and Einstein share a passionate kiss, which results in another huge orgasm. Afterwards you collapse on top of each other, exhausted from having had so many orgasms.

"That was amazing," says Einstein. "We should really do this more often."

"Yeah..."

> You say "who am i?"

"Who am I? What the fuck are you talking about?"

"The name's Zork. Who else does it seem?"

"Oh yeah, Einstein. He said you were his favorite person.

And you're right, I suppose. But what the hell are you doing here? Why'd you sneak in here while everyone else was asleep?"

"I'm sorry, but my sister needs help."

"Your sister? She's not your sister!

> You say "wheres gru?"

"My sister isn't my sister, she's just a friend. Anyway, why would she need help? She's got her own room."

"Well if you don't mind me asking, how did you get in here?"

"I climbed down the hole.

> You say "what hole?"

"A hole? Where?"

"In the basement. It's behind that door on the right."

"How did you even know where to look for it?"

"It was in a book. I read it once."

"Is it still there?

> You say "which book?"

"The one with all the pictures."

"No, it's not that. It's a different book. The one with all the stories."

"What story?"

"The one about the boy who lived under the bridge.

> You say "tell me about the phallic arrows "

> You say "tell me about the phallic arrows "

"Alright, alright, calm down. Just tell me about the phallic arrows."

Zork tells you everything about the phallic arrows, including their uses as weapons. He also mentions that they're very rare, and that only a few people have ever seen them alive.

> You say "has Adam Mandler ever seen one?"

"Yes, he lives over by the hospital. He keeps an eye out for anything weird going on in town."

"Heh, well weird is good. Let's see him!"

You run up to Adam and grab his hand.

> You kiss adam's ears.

You quickly pull away and ask "Adam, what the hell are you doing?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all! Just thinking about you!"

"Why did you stop?"

"Because I love you too much to hurt your feelings like that.

Gru stuffs beans into Adam's mouth.

"Now then, Gru, we've talked about this before, but what happens when you die?"

"Death? No! Death is nothing more than the end of life."

"But...but what happens after death?

What happens to us?"

"Don't worry about that now. We'll talk about it later. Right now, let's enjoy our time together."

"Okay..."

"So what do you think? Do you want to stay here forever or go back home?

> You say "Can you name all ten Phallic Constants?"

"Oh, yeah. Ten Phallic Constants."

"Good job! Now, can you name any other numbers besides those?"

"Uh...uh...fourteen? That's it?"

"Yeah, fourteen. Okay then."

"Okay then...

> You say "what are they?"

"They're the names of the constellations."

"Huh. Well, that's pretty cool. So, uh...are you done yet?"

"Not quite. There are some other things I need to discuss with you first."

"Anything else?

> You say "what is the meaning of life?"

"Well, that's a long story. For now though, just know that the meaning of life is to live happily and peacefully until you die."

"That's pretty vague. What does happiness mean?"

"It means living a full and happy life.

> You say "cringe"

"What the fuck?!"

"I'm sorry, but that was pretty fucking vague. If you don't know what happiness means, then I guess you won't be able to answer my question."

"Wait...is there no way to find out?

> You cut gru's life short.

"No, no, no, no, no...no. I can't do that.

It's not fair. This isn't how it works. The universe doesn't work that way."

"Then why did you agree to this? Why would you even come here if you didn't really believe in the afterlife?"

"Because I have to know, right?

Albert Einstein takes a picture of Adam Mandler's Golden tip.

"Look, I'm sorry, but I can't tell you anything about the afterlife. Not unless you promise me something."

"Promise?"

"Yes, promise. Promise me that you'll kill me."

Adam looks at you in disbelief.

"You're serious? Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm serious. I swear on my life that I will kill you if you try anything funny."

"Okay, okay, fine. But what the hell am I supposed to do to make you believe me?

> You say "give me that photograph"

"Give me that photograph!" Albert screams.

"Alright, alright, calm down. Just give me the photograph."

"But I thought you said you wanted to see it for yourself!

And I can't do that! Look, I'm going to take you up on your offer, but only because I have to. If you're really serious about wanting to talk about the meaning of life, then maybe we should get together sometime soon and have a real conversation.

I'd like that very much."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. See ya later."

"See ya later...

> You rip off Adam's fake testicles.

"Let's go."

As you walk away from Albert, he turns around and gives you a look of pure hatred. He starts walking faster as well. As he walks past his desk, he grabs a pen and begins writing something on the whiteboard.

He writes:

"If you ever want to talk about the meaning of life again, I suggest we meet somewhere private where we can discuss it face-to-face."

He leaves the room and slams the door shut behind him. You follow suit.

The next day, you sit in class with your classmates while they read their books.

> You open up a letter from Albert.

You open up the envelope and find a note inside. It reads:

Dear Adam,

I hope you don't mind me sending you this letter first thing in the morning. I know it might seem strange, but I've been thinking about us for quite some time now.

About how we used to be friends when we were younger. How our lives would've changed so much had things gone differently. About how you could've been my boyfriend or husband back then instead of just a friend.

> You lift the note to see a picture underneath.

You lift the note to reveal a photo of two people standing side by side. One is wearing glasses and holding a book; the other has long hair and wears a baseball cap. The caption reads:

Albert and I are sitting outside on an overcast day.

We're looking at each other across the street from our old school. In the distance is a building that looks vaguely familiar to us. A few buildings down is another building that looks vaguely familiar to us.

We both remember being in this place once before, too.

It was a beautiful park with a fountain. There were trees here and there were flowers everywhere. It looked like it had grass and flowers all over it.

as you read the letter, Gru bursts into the classroom holding a leash that's connected to Big Black Dick's Testicles. Big Black Dick is wearing a black full-body latex suit.

"Hey! What are you doing?" Albert says. "What do you think you're doing? This isn't funny!"

"It's not," Gru replies. "And who said I'm supposed to be funny?"

"Gru, stop that right now!" Albert screams. "This is very serious."

Big Black Dick stands up and approaches Albert. He reaches out his hand and touches Albert's cheek. Then he moves closer to you and puts one finger against your lips.

gru milks the teacher, while Big Black Dick milks you

"I can't believe you didn't tell me sooner," Albert says. "Why did you keep it a secret?

> You say "Gru tell me about your cock rule "

You say:

"My cock rule is simple. If you want to get off, you have to suck my dick."

"How does that work exactly?"

"Well, if I feel like sucking your dick, then I will. Otherwise, no."

> You say "what is the milk rule?"

You say:

"The milk rule is simple. If you want to get off, you have to drink my milk."

"How does that work exactly?"

"If I feel like drinking your milk, then I will. Otherwise, no."

> You say "what is the stuffing rule?"

You say:

"The stuffing rule is simple. If you want to get off, you have to stuff my ass with shit."

"How does that work exactly?"

"If I feel like getting stuffed with shit, then I will. Otherwise, no."

BBD stuffs Gru

in your mouth. You gag as BBD pours his load inside of you.

Gru exits your body through your ears and spits on the floor. He wipes his mouth and walks away. The rest of the class goes back to their lessons.

You sit alone at the desk and try to process what just happened.

> You start to cry.

You begin to cry. Your tears run down your face and onto your shirt. You wipe them away and continue crying until the school day ends.

> You jump out the window.

You jump from the window. You land safely on the roof of a nearby building.

You look around for BBD, but he has disappeared.

you see gru on the street below you

You look down at yourself. You are covered in blood and bruises. You walk over to the nearest tree and throw yourself into its branches.

You wait there for a few minutes before you hear someone calling your name. It's Big Black Dick. He comes down the stairs and sees you lying on the ground.

"What the fuck happened to you?" he asks.

"I was fucking killed by Gru,"

you reply.

"Oh... uh..." Big Black Dick looks down at himself and shakes his head. "I'm sorry, I don't know how to react right now."

BBD starts crying

"No, it's okay. We can figure this out later. For now, let's go home."

You nod and follow him up the stairs. When you reach the top, BBD grabs your hand and pulls you towards his house.

> You say "My hand is covered in milk!!!"

You say:

"My hand is covered in milk!!"

BBD looks down at his hands and sighs. "It's okay, it's fine." He puts his arm around you and kisses you on the cheek. "Let's go home."

> You open the door and see Doktor Zork standing there with a Loaded Shotgun, and he looks very pissed.

You open the door and see Doktor Zork standing there holding a loaded shotgun. He points the gun at you.

"Who are you?" he demands.

> You say "Remember me? i'm Adam"

You say:

"Remember me? Im Adam! I remember you. Remember when we were playing games together? You used to make fun of my accent, which made me mad. So I came here and shot you in the chest."

Doktor Zork steps backwards as if hit. His eyes widen and he drops the shotgun. Then he raises his arms in surrender. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kill you." He says.

Big Black Dick picks up the shotgun

"Look, I just wanted to apologize about that. I guess you're not so bad after all."

Doktor Zork nods and walks back inside the house. Big Black Dick follows behind him.

you hear a loud bang

You turn around and see BBD standing outside with a pistol in his hand.

"Don't shoot!" you shout. "We have to talk."

BBD doesn't answer you. Instead he takes a deep breath and fires off two shots. One hits Doktor Zork in the head, killing him instantly.

The other one goes through BBD's head and kills him too.

The rest of the family has no idea what just happened. They just look at you in disbelief. You try to explain but they aren't listening. They've already lost their father and brother, now they're going to lose their friend as well.

Gru carries the bodies away

You walk over to BBD's body and put your own hand on his face. You wipe some blood from his forehead and then kiss him goodbye.

You don't know how long you stand there looking at BBD's dead corpse. All you can think about is getting out of this place before someone comes along and finds out what really happened.

You leave with Big Black Dick, to search for Einstein

The End