319: Sir, Your Horse Is Out of Tune

## Summary

Inside the inn, the party get chatting to an elf named Sin Chalmers, a hunter who sells animal furs, and Rosco eventually buys an owlbear pelt for Oscar to sleep on! The bartender reveals that a man staying at the inn died unexpectedly, leaving behind a letter he had been in the process of delivering, and Will recognises it as the very one he had posted back in Morrow's Inlet. Very much wanting the letter back, Will offers to take it off the bartender's hands and complete the delivery, but she refuses to give it up for free.

## Synopsis

It's around 4pm now and significantly darker outside. It's started to rain and thunder rumbles in the distance. The weather's setting in. Will eyes the "rabbit" stew suspiciously and with odd-sounding whinnies still ringing in his mind, he begins to wonder if it's actually horse meat. Mo doesn't understand what the problem with that would be. Rosco urges them all to sit down and relax, like normal people! He takes it upon himself to coach everyone in acting naturally. Drinks are ordered: ales for Rosco, Will, Sheemie and Batthwack. A goat milk for Mo.

Rosco asks if they can push two tables together, and Batthwack "helps" lifting one table right over his head before putting it back down where it was originally and the sliding it over 6 inches. Will notices that one of the young girls sitting at another table whispers something excitedly to her mother, before being shushed. The bartender tells Raphina that she can sense this storm is going to be bad; she's learnt to read the signs in these parts. Raphina asks her about the odd whinnying sound they heard on their way in. The bartender explains there's a stables outside, and the elf pipes up to say that it's his horse, Lachrymose, tethered in there.

The elf introduces himself as Sin Chalmers and says his horse's odd whinny helps him when hunting; it confuses his prey. He offers to sell them some of his fur pelts. Everyone introduces themselves, Will giving his name as Fred Greenman. Sin says he's got a hefty stock of owlbear pelts, which he's planning to sell in Morrow's Inlet. He says they use them in the making of the magic paper and his are in great condition due to the special trapping methods he adopts. Rosco says he's interested in buying a pelt to use in the Rutabago.

While Sin goes to collect a pelt to show them, Raphina expresses her distaste for the hunting of creatures, even ferocious owlbears. Will's still eyeing his stew suspiciously and he asks Bernard (currently still in dog form) to have a good sniff. Bernard's sure it's rabbit meat. The conversation turns to whether it's ok to eat horse meat, and in one of Will's darker business ideas, he even suggests Batthwack summon Steed and ask him to agree to be eaten. Batthwack's really not interested, so Will wonders whether Steed would offer his flesh if Batthwack were starving to death? *"Would he consent to save thy life, King Batthwack?"* Will says loudly, and looks over at the two young girls. He catches the eight-year-old gasping and the mother putting her hand over her daughter's mouth.

The bartender comes over and tells them that a man came into the inn three or four days ago, carrying an urgent letter. She explains that the man unfortunately passed away in his bed that night, natural causes suspected. The man was buried out back behind the inn, but all his things are still here, including the letter. She suggests they may want to consider taking on the job of completing the delivery, and potentially earning some money by doing so. Batthwack and Will look at each other and both immediately say that they'd like to take a look. When the bartender shows them the letter, Will's suspicions are confirmed; he immediately recognises it as the letter he mailed from Morrow's Inlet. Despite Will's very convincing claims that he's an expert in the legalities of the postal service, the bartender won't hand it over unless they're prepared to discuss payment for it, saying that she sees it as a valuable item.

Sin returns with an owlbear pelt, which he lays out for them to look at. It's an amber-brown colour, a mixture of feathers and fur. It's very soft to the touch and Rosco immediately offers to buy it for Oscar, somehow bartering the price up from 20gp to 22gp. Sin's very happy of course and offers them the chance to win some of their money back later on with a game of dice. *"Do any of you know* liar's dice*?"* he says. Rosco claims he's a liar's dice champion (*"third place, three years running"*) and Raphina explains the rules of dice game she knows called *Connect Two*. Rosco puts his new owlbear pelt over by the fire and Oscar curls up contentedly on it. Pippa walks up trepidatiously and getting no reaction from Oscar, curls up next to him. Will *Messages* Bernard and instructs him to position himself near the mother and two girls to spy on their conversation.

## Quotes

* Rosco: *"I am a kind of a nomadic type of fellow. And I've been to many places. And different places have different vibes, different cultures, different social mores."* Will: *"Is the vibe in here 'dust'?"*
* Will: *"I know, if the postage has already been applied, no reward is needed. Doing the job is its own reward, you guys."* Raphina: *"Something's wrong with Will, guys."*

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Abby/Raphina. During the previous episode, the party heard an "off-key" whinnying from behind the inn. This episode, Raphina asked the bartender if they have stables, and she said they do. Raphina: *"So it's just the animals that are stabled from the travellers..."* Bartender: *"Why? Is there something wrong?"* Raphina: *"It just sounded a little strange, that's all."* Elf: *"Oh, you heard* my *horse!"* Eric: *"That's the elf at the table next to you, speaking up. He's kind of leaning over the back of his chair."* Raphina: *"Oh, sir, your horse is out of tune!"*
* For the inspiration behind Mant Grazzy, see https://the-dead-meat.fandom.com/wiki/Grant\_Mazzy
* *Lacrimosa* is Latin for "weeping/tearful"
* Why you really should (but really can't) eat horsemeat: https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2015/jan/09/eating-wild-horsemeat-america
* The Ameglian Major Cow (from *The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy*): https://hitchhikers.fandom.com/wiki/Ameglian\_Major\_Cow
* Liar's dice: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liar%27s\_dice
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: hale.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured Adam doing a recap featuring a whole dramatized scene in which Rosco listens to "radio" station *PFD FM* hosted by Mant Grazzy. This also incorporated song parodies of *Two Pina Coladas* by Garth Brooks:

*[Verse 1]*

I was feeling the blues, I was watchin' the news

This guy came on the Major Image spell

Said I'm tellin' you arcana's proved

Heartaches are healed by the *Calm Emotion* spell

...AND *Hello* by Lionel Richie:

*[Verse 1]*

I have been travelling with you inside my bag

And if I slept I dream of your gestures and mimes

The waterfall necklace you always wore

*[Chorus]*

Hello, is it your throat this rod is for?

I can see it in your gears

And in your jack-o'-lantern smile

You're all I've ever wanted

Except for the ability to fly

Because you know what to gesticulate

And you worship Eldath

And I want to tell you so much

Welcome back

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ Will sent his letter on AB7, and intended it to reach Curtis in Tivoli, but Bufflin was the closest place that the post office had heard of. See episode 194: Pineapples and Foreign Policy. On AB9, they crossed paths with the letter as it was en route out of Morrow's Inlet in the hands of a courier, and Will paid for the letter to be expedited. See episode 226: What CAN'T Will Turn Into? A Pleasant Person? JUST KIDDING! It's now AB18, so the letter arrived at the inn around AB14 or 15, which was around the time that the party were competing in the Grand Staircase Footrace.