Fake TPOT 31: The Call of Wagtayatli

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"**The Call of Wagtayatli**" is the non-canon thirty-first episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 6 January 1984. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. An alternate title is "**Articles Various**". During the creation process, this episode went by one of three other titles depending on the combination of articles I felt like using (hence the current alternate title): "**(The) Call of (the) Wagtayatli**".

Description if this were on YouTube:

Wow... there's a little power struggle between our hosts and similar higher-ups. What would happen if it came to an uncalled-for rematch between our beloved TWO and FIVE against the wicked ILTA? Wonder no longer, for that's exactly what they're doing! But the results, should they be judged by this, are less than sabis—sagis—satisfruc—satisflic— Will you let me do my job?

Previous episode: "Return of the Rock Ship"

Next episode: "Squ̇āshy"

## Cold open

### **Balloony's room**

**Scene**In the Filing Cabinet. The act (and episode) begins with a big, fancy dinner. Zoom out to reveal that it's just a picture of a dinner (taken from a magazine), next to the actual food of the evening: lots and lots of haggis. A further zoom out reveals **Balloony**, **Cloudy** and **Cake** setting the table, while **Nickel** is sat on the bed and **Rocky** stands on top of the hotel TV set. For context, it is sometime near the end of 1983.
* **Balloony**: You know you could help.
* **Nic****k****el**: I could, but... I'm kind of busy.
* **Cloudy**: Doing what?
* **Nic****k****el**: Going through the new TV schedule. I still can't believe how many channels we have!
* **C****a****ke**: Wait until you go to TV's room, you get stuff from other planets.
* **Nic****k****el**: True that. [*reclines in his bed*]

[*"Shave and a haircut" knock sequence. The two hits at the end are the sound of metal hitting the door and Rocky going...*]

* **Roc****ky**: [*vomiting on the floor*] Bulleh!
* **Cloudy**: They're here!

[*Nickel opens the door. On the other end are* **Naily** *and* **Bomby**, *who, in humanaho, are dressed very nicely.*]

* **[** **Bom****by** · **N****a****ily** **]**: Heyyyyyy!
* **Nic****k****el**: Naily, Bomby, what's up?
* **Bom****by**: The weather!
* **Nic****k****el**: Come in, come in!

[*They enter.*]

* **Balloony**: Hullo, you two!
* **C****a****ke**: Two more Just Notions!
* **Bom****by**: Whoa, the atmosphere!
* **N****a****ily**: I see you're still preparing for the "surprise" party you were throwing for us.
* **Balloony**: We didnae expect ye to come over so early.
* **N****a****ily**: I sensed the presence of haggis.
* **Cloudy**: Is that your favourite food or something?
* **Bom****by**: It sure is mine!
* **Balloony**: Ta, Bomby.
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh, it's not that bad. See?

[*Nickel stuffs a forkful in his mouth.*]

* **Balloony**: Nickel!
* **Nic****k****el**: Sorry, Dad, I'll wait...

[*Pause.*]

* **Balloony**: For all of us to dig in!

[*Suddenly, in a festive scene, everyone scarfs down on their own plate of haggis.*]

* **N****a****ily**: Mm, this is surprisingly good! What's in it?
* **Balloony**: Better you dinnae ken. /hj
* **Bom****by**: ***OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!***
* **Cloudy**: Shh, I think it would be nice if we were a little quieter.
* **N****a****ily**: Aw, Cloudy-o, what's the fuss?
* **Cloudy**: Nothing. I just feel like we're really loud.
* **Balloony**: Jings, you're right. We have been a bit crazy down here.
* **Nic****k****el**: It's 'cause we're here with *Nailyyyyyy!*
* **N****a****ily**: What *up!*
* **C****a****ke**: Wheeeeee!
* **Roc****ky**: Bulleh!
* **Balloony**: [*Aside, to Cloudy.*] Those doolally kids.
* **Cloudy**: They're not old enough to get their own room yet, are they?

[*Meanwhile, the younger contestants are having their own conversation.*]

* **N****a****ily**: Wouldn't be so sure. It's probably much louder on the outside.
* **Nic****k****el**: This about the whole Ilta thing, right?
* **N****a****ily**: Affirmative. You wouldn't believe what the hosts do behind our backs.
* **C****a****ke**: I can only imagine.

[*Happy piano music plays during this chaotic, mostly dialogue-less scene, which takes place in the lobby of Two's second hotel after the contestants have retreated to their home countries for the hiatus.* **Five** *and* **Two** *fight together against* **Ilta**, *who shows up in random places: He destroys property, shoots lasers and sets knick-knacks on fire in a form of mayhem that would hardly be acceptable even at a rave. Two and Five fight back by tossing heavy objects at Ilta, in the hope of sending him into the Filing Cabinet with the others. Two even sneezes out two recovery cylinders and throws those. They miss him but still break—***Fries** *and* **Clock** *are freed and quickly run away when they see the madness of their hosts and enemy. Finally, Two and Five stand triumphantly on top of each other, carrying balls of unlimited power.*]

* **Five**: By the power of *Five!*
* **Two**: And *Two!*

[*Two uses their power to magic up a pair of French horns.*]

* **Ilt****a**: What the hell are you two doing?
* **Two**: Shut up and listen, because it's time for the power of *TwoOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*Five plays the horn and Two follows them. They are starting the brand-new* Fake TPOT *intro—a song I like to call "Lade Back"—which has an identical melody to "Gibberish!!", the original 1973 intro from the beginning of the series. It goes like this.*]

## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**Two and Five are still fighting Ilta in a rematch of their duel from the last episode.
* **Ilt****a**: You may have tormented me with that horrendous woodwind work, but I have one last weapon, one that will ensure my victory in this duel once and for all!
* **Two**: Come on now, we've only been fighting for a few months. Can't you hold the fort a little longer?
* **Five**: And besides, horns are brass instruments, not woodwind.
* **Ilt****a**: Whatever! Now feast your eyes and nostrils on my own power... of population!
* **Five**: What are you—
* **Ilt****a**: *Ilta...* ***POWEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!***

[*Ilta uses his eyeballs to teleport* **twenty (seemingly random) objects** *to the scene via lasers. In true early/mid-'80s fashion, they are all variants of a single hue, a bit like the floors of the First Hotel, as shown in TPOT 1. The objects are paused with visible looks of confusion on their faces. Then they start running around.*]

* **Two**: Enough!
* **Five**: I beg you all to stop!

[*They don't stop.*]

* **Two**: Why aren't they listening?
* **Five**: Yeah, Ilta, what have you done?
* **Ilt****a**: All I did was invite a few objects that will never leave. That's your punishment for losing the duel: a booked hotel room.
* **Two**: Well, that's not nice!
* **Five**: Exactly, what if someone's giving birth and can't find a place to stay?
* **Two**: Also, I can't have these like-minded heathens invading my set!
* **H****ock****sa**: Hey, who are you calling *like-minded heathens*?
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: We happen to be unique individuals with completely discrete personality types.
* **I****ne****i**, **Kuda****sai**, **Mj****unga**, **U****m****t****a****ya**: ♫ Who happen to sing together! ♫

[*Two looks at all these characters incredulously.*]

* **Two**: You're not meant to be here!
* **Five**: You need to be off this set! Our contestants should be here at any minute now!
* **Nor****on**: What contestants?
* **Two**: You know, the ones from *The Power of Two*.
* **Ilt****a**: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: These are all objects who have never heard of your show. They know more about *my* potential series instead of yours, isn't that funny?
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: No way!
* **Two**: They need to get out of here as quickly as possible. It's practically time for the next Cake at Stake!

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **Twenty objects**: Cake at Stake?
* **Two**: Wait, you've heard of Cake at Stake but not TPOT?
* **Ag****on****xis**: Yeah, from Four's show!
* **Hullopsis**: And that of the Announcer.
* **Two**: Oh.
* **Hullopsis**: If you're doing the same as those legends did all those years ago, you can have as much space as you need.
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: We're going to be upstairs watching, y'all!

[*The objects start going upstairs.*]

* **Five**: [*Aside, to Two.*] They're taking the contestants' rooms.
* **Two**: More importantly, I can't believe none of them have ever heard of our show!
* **Mj****unga**: We have heard of *BFDI: Season 6* and *7!*
* **Bor****p****u**: Mjunga, come on!

[*Exeunt omnes. By now, manent* **Two**, **Five** *and* **Ilta**, *who smiles smugly, as Two used to do in BFB.*]

* **Two**: You shouldn't be here either!
* **Ilt****a**: Oh, okay. So is there... a door I should go through while you do your... [*mockingly*] "Cake at Stake"?
* **Five**: It's that one over there. [*points at the door that leads people to the Filing Cabinet*]
* **Ilt****a**: 'Kay-kay!

[**Ilta** *opens the door and falls through. He is thus unable to escape. Two and Five look at each other, pogging.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: Oh my Gogma, that was *so easy!*
* **Voice**: What was so easy?

[*Two and Five turn around to see that* **Black Hole** *said that. With him are* **Remote** *and* **Exix/Liy**. *They all have luggage with them.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hi.
* **Li****y**: What's going on?
* **Two**: Oh, nothing.
* **Five**: We just wanted to give you contestants the welcome wagon.
* **Two**: Yeah, so... welcome. Wagon.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Okay, then.
* **Two**: Ooh, looks like more people are coming in.

[*Exeunt* **Two** *and* **Five**, *greeting* **Coiny** *and* **Pin**.]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We have finally made it, to our destination.
* **Li****y**: Cool. Thanks again for everything, for letting me stay at your Earth base and making me your chief communications officer.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Don't sweat it, Liy.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We know you don't want to go back.
* **Li****y**: And it's not because they haven't seen me in decades, heh. [*sweats a bit*]

[*Meanwhile,* **Bok**, **Basketball** *and* **Saw** *are talking together. They have just reunited.*]

* **B****o****k**: I don't know, It feels so *liberating* to use my real name wherever I go. I finally stand out at the NYPL! [*pronounced "nipple"*]
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh yeah, how was New York?
* **B****o****k**: It's great, and it's hardly anything like the movies.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, I bet Nordic filmmakers don't have the most accurate picture of American city life.
* **B****o****k**: They sure don't.
* **S****aw**: And how's Taco?
* **B****o****k**: She's doing fine! I've even entered into a professional partnership with her!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, that's nice.
* **B****o****k**: Her two boys are doing well too; they quote me all the time. [*imitating Mario imitating her*] "Hnn-y-yee-yur-bgbjgwgbgjwbgagbjbjå!"

[*Meanwhile, with* **Tennis Ball** *and* **Golf Ball**, *who have caught the attention of* **Five**.]

* **Golf Ball**: And so do our grandchildren.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Get this: there are now *two* of them!
* **Five**: Ò! I don't have any children, let alone grandchildren, but it's good to hear my host's name spoken out loud! And you at ease, of course.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Wait until you put us into the competition, huh, Five.
* **Five**: Oh-ho-*ho*, aren't you a little eager for someone who just got here?

[*Enter* **Fries** *and* **Puffball**, *looking upset. In this scene,* **Price Tag** *is showing* **Aresko** *their dictionary of Australian slang.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Just try not to use them all the time, yeah?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Right-o, cove.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: [*pointing at Two, accusingly*] Oh my earth apples, how could you, Two?
* **Puffball**: Yeah, how could you?
* **Two**: Do what?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: You banish me to Recovery Land and don't even explain in detail what I've done wrong! And not only that... [*picks up* **Clock**, *who is equally unamused*] but you've kept Clock dead for over a year!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's *déjà vu*, and not the good kind!
* **Two**: Well, the important thing is that you're alive.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Why, you— Hey, that's actually not bad.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **Li****y**: Ooh, there's Puffball.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wait, Liy, before you part...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: For the first time in weeks...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Won't you repeat our motto with us?
* **Li****y**: Gladly.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**, **R****e****m****ot****e**, **Li****y**: Death prevention, the prevention of death. It's good to do a lot of "save"—
* **Co****i****ny**: *Instead of lots of "leth!"*
* **Li****y**: [*high-fives him*] Good one, dude.
* **P****i****n**: Told you that song would last.

[*Exit* **Liy** *to talk with the others.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We found our outgoing one.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Mm-hmm.

[*Enter* **Tree**. *He looks happier than he usually does.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hey, look who's here.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Tree.
* **T****r****e****e**: Hey, you two. I am feeling *terrific*.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So am I; we are finally in the same time zone.
* **T****r****e****e**: And thank goodness for that. I spent half the hiatus calculating when you were awake or not working so we could talk.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And how'd that work out?
* **T****r****e****e**: I only called you... five times.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Five times too few, man.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, we're just glad you're here. Now I didn't want to pry, but... is that a ring I see on your finger?
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, it's a promise ring. Look.

[*He shows Black Hole and Remote a diamond ring (which is pretty much invisible from the camera at a normal distance). In humanaho, it would be much more conspicuous.*]

* **Choral voice**: Aaaaaaaah!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ooh, shiny.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So I'm guessing you two are back together?
* **T****r****e****e**: Wha— [*realizing*] Oh, you're talking about that jerk. [*sigh*] I was lucky that I didn't even utter his name for the whole nine months.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Maybe you could go another nine.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But not now.

[*Remote points at the door, through which* **Pen** *struts with sunglasses on. He winks at, high-fives and finger-guns a few people before looking at Tree, whose eyes dilate. Pen smiles big when he sees him.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Quick, think of something not mean.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We'll be... over there.

[*Exeunt* **Remote** *and* **Black Hole** *as Pen runs up to Tree excitedly.*]

* **P****en**: Hey, baby!
* **T****r****e****e**: You're wearing sunglasses at night. Why.
* **P****en**: ♫ So I can, so I can! ♫

[*Tree rolls his eyes as Pen moves his glasses up to his cap.*]

* **P****en**: Awwww, I missed you so much! How ya doin'?
* **T****r****e****e**: It was nice. How's Snowguts?
* **P****en**: I'm not sure. I left him in Rome.
* **T****r****e****e**: You were in Italy over the break?
* **P****en**: *Sì, bello!*

[*He laughs a bit and does the pinched fingers gesture.*]

* **P****en**: I wasn't just there. I went to five countries, as a matter of fact. [*holds up six fingers*] There was England, and then I was in London, Italy and finally New York.
* **T****r****e****e**: Okay, a few things: You were in four places (not five), two of which are actually cities and not countries, and I can't believe I'm the one telling you this, but London is surely part of ***ENGLAND!***

[*Tree accidentally shouts so loudly that everyone falls silent.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Someone, please say something before my life slips away.
* **Two**: Hey, everybody, it's time for Cake at Stake! [*Tree breathes out in relief.*]
* **Five**: The sun will disappear behind the horizon in a few minutes, so we'd better get started soon.
* **Winner**: But we can't start Cake at Stake yet because not everybody's inside.
* **Two**: How do you know?
* **Donut**: Look!

[*Winner points to the outside of the hotel. A figure in the form of something we have never seen before looms in the background and gets closer and closer. The doors open dramatically and we see who it is on the other side:* **Snowball**, *wearing the traditional red costume of a Vatican cardinal.* *Everyone gasps as Snowball saunters into the lobby and the contestants start whispering to one another.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: [*Aside, to Pen.*] Did you do this?
* **Two**: Cake at Stake!

## Cake at Stake (and team-making)

[*The Cake at Stake theme plays on the hotel lobby's speakers, which have miraculously appeared out of nowhere for no reason other than exposition.*]

**Act VI Cake at Stake theme**

**Vocalist(s)**: Unknown voice

[*Typical mid-eighties rock, with synths.*]

**?**: ♫ Cake at Stake, it's Cake at Stake,

They're bringing out a cake to eat!

Cake at Stake, not "Brake at Flake";

Instead of doom, a win they might meet.

Who out of them goes home? Who will the land to roam?

'Cos when it's Cake at Stake, one will go away!

And when it's Cake at Stake, in Cabby they'll stay! (OHHH YEAHHH!) ♫

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**All of the contestants are present for the first Cake at Stake of the act.
* **Two**: Everyone! If you recall correctly, Vitas lost last time because Tree joined the dark side.
* **T****r****e****e**: What? That's not true; I'm here!
* **Donut**: Yeah, he never left. Can't you change it so that no team's up for elimination?
* **Two**: Er, er, er, er, er...
* **Five**: I'm sorry, but someone has to be sent off eventually. While Tree is clear, present and (as we saw in the last episode) dangerous...
* **T****r****e****e**: Ay?
* **Five**: We suspected that someone from his team would do something that would lead to Vitas' being up for elimination, and as it happens...
* **C****l****o****c****k**: ***Hey!***
* **Five**: What?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Why not just eliminate someone at the end of this episode, or the next one, as compensation? It's never happened before in these circumstances, but I think that it would be fair to everyone if you...
* **Two**: ***Hey!***
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What?
* **Two**: Are you the host of this show? Do you have a *smashing* co-host?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Uh...
* **Two**: I don't think... you do! So please let us do Cake at Stake our way!

[*Clock frowns.*]

* **Two**: Anyway, I have decided, of my own accord, that I shall not eliminate someone now but at the end of the episode, or the next one, as compensation. It's never happened before in these circumstances, but I think it would be fair to everyone!

[*Everyone cheers, except Clock, who grumbles something among the noise.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: So can we start the challenge?
* **Two**: Not yet, my precious little price tag!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*gagging*] Mbleh!
* **Two**: The voters didn't do nothing... [*Aside, to Five.*] "Didn't do nothing", is that a double negative?
* **Five**: Yes, but in this case, it works well.
* **Two**: Okay. [*Aloud.*] Anyway, the voters *did* do something in the last episode. As you can imagine, they got to vote!
* **P****i****n**: [*raising her arms high*] Democracy!
* **Two**: But they didn't vote on who should be eliminated, or even for who should stay! They voted for the two people they would most like to have together in a team.

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **S****aw**: Aw, but I like these teams!
* **Li****y**: Yeah, The Alefs have done more good for me than anyone else in a hundred years of exile!
* **Two**: Don't worry! You can still be The Alefs, Vitas and U!

[*Everyone cheers.*]

* **Two**: *For now.*

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **Five**: Oh, cool it with the sound effects.
* **Two**: In the hope of ending up with two teams of ten, I shall now reveal which ten pairings received the most votes in descending order.

[*Five hands Two an absurdly large flashcard with all the 190 possible combinations of two contestants to be chosen for a potential team. Dramatic, vaguely synth-based music begins to play quietly in the background as Two reads the most popular pairings.*]

* **Two**: Number one: **Coinpin**.
* **Co****i****ny**: Yo, we won!
* **Two**: You received [*number*] out of a total of [*number*] votes, the highest of all pairings. I think you ought to be proud of yourselves, and that's even before reading the comments: **Funky Nut Blast** says, "Coiny x Pin is my otp - rock on you two!"
* **P****i****n**: Oh, we will!
* **Co****i****ny**: OTP... that means we're the best of friends, right?
* **Two**: I think the voters see you as more than friends. [*raises an eyebrow*]
* **Co****i****ny**: [*looking at the camera*] We're already married. What more do you want? /hj
* **Five**: Now, Coiny, Pin, please stand over here.

[*Five points to the left side of the lobby, to which Coiny and Pin walk over.*]

* **Two**: Up next... [*looks at the flashcard*] **Tengolf**!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh! Congrats, TB and GB!
* **Golf Ball**: Is that what we're called in the eyes of the fans?
* **Two**: Nope! Just in mine! [*looks at the camera*]
* **Golf Ball**: [*slightly disappointed*] Oh.
* **Two**: *And* of **Kitty\_Lover69**, who goes, "am i the ONLY ONE who calls tennis ball and golf ball 'tengolf'? theyre just so cute together omgggg"
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I had no idea other people considered us cute.
* **Golf Ball**: It's because we're old.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: The class of '83 collectively called us *fail scavengers*. This is coming from a school whose mascot is the Little Vultures.
* **Five**: And will you two stand over here, please?

[*Five points to the right side of the lobby. For each couple that is called, Five instructs them to stand close to each other, away from the other people in the middle who have not been called yet.*]

* **Two**: Up next... oooooo*oh!*
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Who is it?
* **Two**: [*slowly looking up from their flashcard*] **Tren**.

[*Most people (who watched the last episode during the break) gasp, except for Pen, who is as clueless as ever.*]

* **P****en**: *Tren*, eh? Omg, it's as if they took the first part of Tree's name and the last part of mine, and they went... [*claps*] *bam!* Like the viewers want us together or something, how 'bout that, Tree? [*nudges him with a comical "boink-boink" sound*]
* **T****r****e****e**: You dopey galah, the voters *do* want us together! [*starts rustling the leaves above his eyes*] Oh, why did it have to be me?
* **Two**: It's because of what **The Master of Cyclones** wrote! Seems like he wrote us a whole essay, so I'll just read you the first part:

> "Wow. I'm voting [PE TR] just out of pity. I hope the two opposites can learn to attract each other again, they may be objects but I can tell they spiritually connect with each other, the cute one being an extraverted sensing water sign and the big-headed one an introverted sensing earth sign", and yadda yadda yadda; it's all weird human stuff.
>
>

* **P****en**: *Big-headed*? [*In humanaho, Pen looks in the mirror.*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Can we see what else he wrote? I'm curious.
* **Two**: No.
* **Five**: Will the two of you please stand over there?
* **T****r****e****e**: [*grunts*] Mmh.

[*Tree takes Pen by the hand and pulls him over to the periphery of the room.*]

* **Two**: With [*number*] votes... "They Are A Duo Imparable !! Come To Brazil !!", says **Fanny BFDI Oficial**. 'Kay. **Blackmote** is next!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hooray for business partnerships.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I knew we were going to cut the top 100. After you.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Are we going to Brazil?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'll fly you there tomorrow.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yay.

[*Black Hole flies close enough to Remote to have her orbit around him. He himself floats to an empty part of the lobby and sets Remote down gently.*]

* **Two**: Up next is—
* **Five**: Um, Two? The sun's beginning to set.
* **Two**: Then we speed up the process! **Puffries**, **Snowbasket**, **Treehole**, **Winck** and **Frick**... Oh, that's a bad word—I mean... [*awkwardly*] ***Cloes***. You all made the top ten! Now, sort yourselves out.

[*The just-called contestants start to do so.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: [*looking at Snowball, who stands pridefully near the middle of the lobby*] Oh, I guess I'm walking myself over. Really, voters?
* **Two**: They're never living episode 1 down.

[*By now,* **Aresko**, **Bok**, **Liy**, **Price Tag** *and* **Saw** *are the only ones standing in the middle. Standing around them are five "teamesimals":* **Black Hole**, **Pen**, **Remote** *and* **Tree**; **Clock**, **Fries**, **Puffball** *and* **Winner**; **Coiny** *and* **Pin**; **Golf Ball** *and* **Tennis Ball** *and, finally,* **Basketball** *and* **Snowball**.]

* **Li****y**: Two, there's a little problem.
* **Two**: Oh? What is it?
* **Li****y**: Some teams have more people in them than others!
* **Donut**: And I'm in the middle! I could have sworn the voters would like me paired off with someone here.
* **Winner**: Hey, join us, Donut!
* **Two**: He can't join you guys, because his name hasn't been called yet.
* **Donut**: Well, which pairing got the next highest number of votes?
* **Two**: That would be... [*looks at the flashcard*] **Donut** and **Winner**.

[*Donut walks over to Winner's team.*]

* **Donut**: Oh! Now that's something I like to hear!
* **Two**: **Bok** and **Saw**, you two also form a mini-team.
* **S****aw**: Yaaaass!
* **Two**: And **Taggy**, why don't you join **Winner**?
* **Winner**: Hello there.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: This team's got all the cool people!
* **Two**: [*Aside.*] Ooh, I can combine these two entities... [*Aloud.*] **Exix** and **Aresko**, you two get to join **Tree**.
* **Ar****esko**: Coolio.
* **Li****y**: Sounds like a Death PACT reunion's coming up.
* **P****en**: Wow, Tree, you're awfully popular today.
* **T****r****e****e**: I reckon so. [*smiles a bit*] I'm more popular than you are.
* **P****en**: You got this, boss!

[*By now, the lobby is split into two teams of six: that of* **Tree** (him, **Aresko**, **Black Hole**, **Exix**, **Pen** *and* **Remote**) *and that of* **Winner** (them, **Clock**, **Donut**, **Fries**, **Price Tag** *and* **Puffball**). *The other contestants wander around the room in pairs.*]

* **Two**: Oh, that's interesting... The next most popular pairing is **Winner** and **Pen**, but we can't do that, or else the team it creates will be too big! Please excuse Five and me while we huddle.

[*Two and Five huddle as the contestants quietly talk among themselves. They end their huddle a few seconds later.*]

* **Five**: Can I say it?
* **Two**: Sure!
* **Five**: [*Aloud.*] We have decided to do this—
* **Two**: This.

[*Five looks at Two strangely but continues what they were going to say anyway.*]

* **Five**: Golf Ball and Tennis Ball: On average, you two matched with Basketball and Snowball the most. I now ask you to mix and mingle.
* **Golf Ball**: What? I'm on a team with Snowball? This is an outrage!

[*Snowball doesn't say anything but looks off in the distance in a stoic manner typical of an older religious figure. Tennis Ball and Golf Ball walk over to him and Basketball.*]

* **Five**: And that leaves Coiny, Pin, Saw and Bok together.
* **P****i****n**: It's as if we never left!
* **S****aw**: Yeah!
* **Two**: [*as the four walk over to one another*] Perfect! Now...

[*Two gets distracted by the sky getting darker a bit more quickly than it should. They start talking at a much faster pace.*]

* **Two**: TB, GB, BB and SB, you join Winner's team.
* **Golf Ball**: What?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: But Two, what's your methodology?
* **Two**: On average, the voters found that the four of you were more likely to be in a team with Winner than with Tree.
* **S****aw**: So that means...
* **P****i****n**: We're on your team, Aresko!
* **Ar****esko**: Hooray!
* **Two**: And there you have it: our two teams of ten.

## Post–Cake at Stake

[*As in the last team-picking episode, Two showcases the members of the two teams on opposite sides of the lobby.*]

* **Two**: Tree's team... and Winner's team.

TPOT Teams (as of TPOT 31)
Unofficial names
 Black Hole
 Bok
 Coiny
 Pen
 Pin
 Remote
 Saw
 Tree

* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, it's just like in BFDI!
* **Two**: Yes. Just like BFDI.

[*Suddenly,* **Vahepsis**, *one of the new-coming objects from the earlier scene, pops his head out of the staircase.*]

* **Va****hep****sis**: Who said BFDI?
* **Five**: Um... no-no, you shouldn't be here right now!
* **Va****hep****sis**: But I'd like to watch!
* **Five**: [*hissing*] Please go upstairs.
* **Va****hep****sis**: Okay. [*goes up and down again to look at the contestants*] I just wanted to say Coiny's my favourite character of all time.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*humbled*] I am?
* **Va****hep****sis**: Yep. [*goes up and down again*] Why is Snowball dressed like the Pope?
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: ***GOOOOOO!***
* **Va****hep****sis**: 'Kay.

[*Exit* **Vahepsis**. *The contestants all talk at once out of confusion.*]

* **Li****y**: Um... what was that?
* **Donut**: I thought you didn't allow visitors on set.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Don't tell me we have to share our building with other people, Two!
* **Two**: Ummmm...

[*Two begins to sweat something.*]

* **Five**: Are you sweating?
* **Two**: Yeah, it's *sward*. [*to the contestants*] Even-numbered prime algebraliens sweat a mixture of sweat and lard when they report a personal loss.
* **P****i****n**: I'm not sure I'm a fan of that.
* **Golf Ball**: Tell us what's going on, Two, before we find it out ourselves!
* **Two**: [*sighs for 2.763 seconds*] Alright. As you all know, Five and I lost our duel with Ilta.
* **Golf Ball**: So?
* **Two**: As punishment, many months after our initial duel, we were forced to fill this hotel with twenty objects, thus leaving no room for actual contestants.
* **B****o****k**: That's horrible!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, if those people are staying in our rooms, where will we stay?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: How'd you let him get away with this, Two?
* **Five**: It's an honour code. Sad!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Not exactly; some codes are necessary for society to run properly.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: And computers.
* **Two**: But that's not the point. What we are most concerned about is the fact that we've got twenty non-participants of various names and appearances under our roof, and I should really appreciate it if we could get this place back to normal, *i.e.*, free of strangers brought in by that contestant-stealing letter.
* **S****aw**: But they seem so nice!
* **Two**: You've only seen one of them. Besides, that's what they want you to think. In fact, they're low-key *eeeeeevillll*.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: That's not surprising; they've come into contact with you.
* **Two**: [*scoffs*] Are you insinuating that I must be the root of all evil on this set? Because you're wrong, and a good night to you, sir!

[*Two uses their powers to send Fries to a comfortable slumber.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: [*snoring*] Oh, Liliane...
* **Puffball**: Seriously?
* **Two**: Fries Frankx is now sleeping for forty days and forty nights.
* **Puffball**: *What?*
* **Two**: He won't be up until very late. [*tries to laugh evilly but fails*] Does anyone else want to get in my way?

[*The other contestants non-verbally indicate a no by either shaking or nodding their head.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*stepping up*] I do.
* **Two**: You do?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: But... I prefer to stay awake for the first contest of the act, so I'll shut up.
* **Two**: Good. And now that you've mentioned the contest, Clock, would you all like to know what it is?
* **Everyone**: Yeah!
* **Two**: Okay!

## Pre-contest

* **Two**: Today's contest is to *get those strangers out of my hotel!*

[*Silence.*]

* **B****o****k**: Are you saying we have to get them out ourselves?
* **Two**: Yes.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And that means... talking to people?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Whom we don't know?
* **Two**: It's not that bad; you run a company for Gogma's sake. Besides, I'm not letting every team member take part in this task.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Why, like, why not?
* **Two**: Because I said so. Now choose the two people you think are the most charismatic in your team.

[*Everyone starts talking at once. On Tree's team.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Charismatic.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It means somebody, who influences others by being charming.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I know that; I was raised Charismatic.
* **Ar****esko**: Interesting. [*to Pen*] Hey, why don't you go up? You've got a way with people!
* **P****en**: Gee, I'd sure love to, but I think I'm way too attractive to make people disappear.
* **T****r****e****e**: So what does that make us, Pen, a den of gorgons?
* **S****aw**: How 'bout you go, Coiny? You sort of won for our team when we played the convincing game last year.
* **Co****i****ny**: I did, didn't I? Alright, I'll go up.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: As long as you don't rap to them.
* **Co****i****ny**: I'mma try not to. [*Black Hole rolls his* *eyes**.*]
* **P****i****n**: Ooh, I'll go too.
* **Co****i****ny**: You would?
* **P****i****n**: Why not? We are a team, and I still can't get over being voted the show's OTP.

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: Have you got your two people yet?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We do. We have chosen Coiny and Pin.
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*approaching Two*] And we choose Clock and Golf Ball, 'cause they have the strongest personalities! [*looks at Snowball*] Now...
* **Two**: Now that that's taken care of, it's time to start the thirtieth challenge in the battle for... *The Power of T—*

[*Two looks around to see that Coiny and Pin, as well as Clock and Golf Ball, have disappeared.*]

* **Five**: They're gone.

## Contest

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Race you up the stairs!
* **Co****i****ny**: Not unless I get there first!

[*The four competitors start running up the staircase, only to be stopped by* **Two**, *who has teleported to the top of the ground floor.*]

* **Two**: You'll need these.

[*Two hands Coiny and Clock two separate sheets of paper. We see that on them are the names and images of the strangers that have moved into the hotel.*]

* **P****i****n**: What are they?
* **Two**: A comprehensive roster of all the strangers that have moved into the hotel. Five compiled it for me just a few seconds ago. Ah, thank Gogma for ubiquitous facial recognition technologies.
* **Golf Ball**: This could never happen in real life!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's how you know we're back in Two's hotel.
* **Co****i****ny**: Preach it.
* **Two**: Now go up and get them all out of here!
* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **P****i****n** **]**: [*saluting Two*] Aye aye, captain!

[*Exeunt omnes, talking to one another as Two watches them.*]

#### Tree's team

[**Coiny** *and* **Pin** *stop on the first floor, while* **Clock** *and* **Golf Ball** *continue to run up.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Funny how we got the ten people on the first floor, huh?
* **P****i****n**: This is the coincidence of all coincidences.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: But that means more running for us.
* **Golf Ball**: More *necessary* running.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yes.
* **P****i****n**: Bye, you two!
* **Co****i****ny**: Lates!

[*Exeunt* **Clock** *and* **Golf Ball**. *Coiny smiles with a satisfied expression before he sees the ten people he and Pin are supposed to boot out.*]

* **P****i****n**: This looks like something that is easier said than done.
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh, don't worry, Pin! We just gotta convince these people there's a life out there to enjoy, so enjoy it.
* **P****i****n**: That's the Leafy way!
* **Co****i****ny**: Mm-hmm, the Leafy way. Hallelujah.

#### Winner's team

[**Clock** *and* **Golf Ball** *look at all the people they are tasked with removing.*]

* **Golf Ball**: I can finally work one-on-one with you, Clock.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: This has never happened before.
* **Golf Ball**: I pray that you're not like Johnson.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Who?
* **Golf Ball**: At the school where TB and I worked over the break, he did nothing but tell everyone else what to do instead of doing his actual job.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Why, what's wrong with that? Is he the boss?
* **Golf Ball**: He's not the boss. He's the janitor, just a janitor.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Wait now! Cleaning people deserve as much respect as any other profession. And it's a shame they're not paid as well as their skills deserve.
* **Golf Ball**: O-kay... [*Politically-motivated silence.*] So let's get working, shall we?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I have an idea. [*to the strangers on the floor*] ***HÉ!***

[*Everyone turns around. View of* **Coiny** *and* **Pin** *on the floor below them.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Sounds like Clock's got an idea: yelling. /j
* **P****i****n**: Don't you do that too?
* **Co****i****ny**: Yes, yes, I do.

[*Back to scene.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Have you no idea how dangerous it is to be up here?
* **Eo**: Have *you* no idea how *you* shouldn't be here, Mr. Nobody?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I don't like your attitude.
* **Ron****di****pa**: Wait a minute, Eo, this isn't just a nobody you're talking to.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Yeah, this is Clock, from the *Battle for BFDI*!
* **Nor****on**: Even I knew that!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, you got my name and show I used to be on right, but I'm afraid you still can't be here.
* **Ron****di****pa**: [*ignoring him*] Oh, it's an honour to meet you, sir.
* **Bor****p****u**: There aren't many who call you their favourite BFB contestant, but I do! Our stingy, demanding and annoying personality types nearly match!
* **Mj****unga**: And to think that twelve years later, you still look the same.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Thanks a lot, but you all have to go.
* **Ron****di****pa**: No.
* **Kuda****sai**: Let's play instead!
* **Hullopsis**: Yes, let's.

[*Clock steps back to rejoin Golf Ball.*]

* **Golf Ball**: So here's our next plan...
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Uuuunmmmmgh.

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**While Coiny, Pin, Clock and Golf Ball do all the work for the rest of their teams, everyone else is sitting and talking. **Two** and **Five** are in the background cleaning up the room, which is still destroyed from the fight at the start of the episode.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So Pen, I hear you were in Rome over break.
* **P****en**: It was awesome! You wouldn't believe all the *dolce vita* Snowball and I had over there.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Actually, I can.
* **T****r****e****e**: Why'd you even end up with him anyway?
* **P****en**: I suppose I found him a little lonely. And he's not that bad, as a matter of fact. He even offered to make me a new cap out of bones from his cave.
* **T****r****e****e**: And you still left him.
* **P****en**: I—
* **T****r****e****e**: Mm-hmm. You're lucky I hate Snowball so much that I won't judge you.

[*Remote gives Pen the side-eye.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So why did you leave him?
* **P****en**: I got a call from Blocky, who asked if I could join his new prank show. So, 'cause I love helping a buddy out, I flew over to "New Yawk".
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You were on a show... with an ex-murderer?
* **P****en**: I must say, I was shocked myself, so I told him, "Hey, man, maybe you'd get more publicity if you focused on *fun* instead of *killing*." And he said, [*deep voice*] "Frick yeah, bro!" Ah, I'm so good at preventing death.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*Aside, to Remote.*] And I'm the President of Goikyan Ghana. /s
* **T****r****e****e**: Okay, so how'd the show go?
* **P****en**: Well...

[*Flashback to the break. Pen's voice can be heard, doing voice-over.*]

**P****en**: Now watch, as our actor looks like he's going to give this guy what for, but he's really giving him free coupons for Cake's family bakery!
[*The man with the briefcase approaches the man in the car, who shoots a laser and zaps him out of existence. Laugh track.*]
[*End flashback.*]

* **P****en**: The show got cancelled after one episode and Blocky kicked me out of his apartment. Eraser was right: New Yorkers are rough.
* **T****r****e****e**: Poor you. /s
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Tree...
* **T****r****e****e**: Sorry. A hug? [*realizes what he's said*] Wait...
* **P****en**: Aww, come here, big guy!

[*Embrace. Tree smiles a bit.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: *And* I'm sorry for saying all those things to you earlier. It was only when I watched myself shouting at you on TV that I realized I'd gone too far.
* **P****en**: It's cool... and I'm sorry too, for bringing up Mona. Do ya fowgive me, Twee?
* **T****r****e****e**: Only if you stop talking like that.
* **P****en**: Sure thing, boss!

[*Pen lets go and notices Tree's ring.*]

* **P****en**: Hey, that's a diamond.
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, you've noticed! I can discuss this here, right? 'Cause all this time I thought this was "Pen talks about himself for an hour". /j
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*pointing at Tree*] This guy got engaged.
* **P****en**: You did? [*Tree nods.*] Son of a gun, congrats! Is she nice?
* **T****r****e****e**: *He* is amazing.
* **P****en**: He? That's great, but... I thought it was against the law for two fellas to get married.
* **T****r****e****e**: It is right now, but Gregg and I are doing whatever we can to change that.
* **P****en**: [*Aside.*] Certainly changes the *Cheese Eaters* rules, doesn't it?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, we wish you two the best, Tree.
* **T****r****e****e**: Thanks for that. [*to Pen*] You're not jealous, are you?
* **P****en**: No, I'm happy for you guys, honest!
* **T****r****e****e**: You do know this means no more of that casual... you know.
* **P****en**: No worries, man. You have someone, and I'll respect that.
* **T****r****e****e**: Who's a good boy.
* **P****en**: But... I can still be your mate, right?
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, 'course.
* **P****en**: Then let's shake on it!

[*Tree nods and gives Pen a friendly handshake.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: How nice. You're friends again.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'd cry, but my tears would get sucked up. /j

[*The four of them laugh.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: So, Pen... in all those countries you were in, how many people did you, erm... have fun with?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah, I want to hear this.
* **P****en**: Oh, two... fifty. [*blushes*]
* **T****r****e****e**: What the frick?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: He's a bachelor in our version of Hollywood, Tree. [*Aside, to Remote.*] Allos.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Em-hem.
* **T****r****e****e**: Feels just like the old days. [*sighs in relief*]

#### Tree's team

[**Coiny** *is seated in the middle of the hall while* **Pin** *and their ten strangers. sit around him. Coiny is holding a guitar.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: First of all, thanks for the guitar, whoever you are.
* **Wha****x****a**: My name is Whaxa, W for short.
* **P****i****n**: That's funny; *W* has more syllables than *Whaxa*!
* **Co****i****ny**: Alright, guys, any requests?
* **P****i****n**: [*raising her hand*] Ooh!
* **Co****i****ny**: No, I'm not playing anything by Can Halen. /j
* **P****i****n**: [*Aside.*] I swear, he's scared.
* **Lehop****wan**: I would too. Them's a hard bunch.

[*Thisso, who barely speaks, nods.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Come on, I need a name. Unless y'all want to listen to silence.
* **T****o****b****l****e**: I have an idea! Why don't you sing the acronym song?

[*The strangers all exclaim in agreement.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: I don't know that. Were they on Empty TV?
* **T****o****b****l****e**: No, we do it where we come from!
* **Pherre**: Yeah, you take a word and make a sentence out of the letters.
* **P****i****n**: Oo-ooh!

#### Winner's team

[*Instead of* **Clock** *(who stands in the background),* **Golf Ball**, *ever the master of creative plans, stands before her group of attentive strangers.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Now that I have your attention, I would like you to heed this news.
* **Eo**: What news?
* **Vi****hep****sis**: If it's not fake news, I'm out of here.
* **Golf Ball**: But that's not what we want! We want you to stay here!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What are you doing?

[*Golf Ball briefly turns around, and turns around again.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Yes, you should know that we have numerous amenities in our hotel, including a defunct swimming pool, a place where there used to be a TV and a two-star restaurant, bar, pub or whatever!
* **Eo**: Two stars isn't that good.
* **Golf Ball**: Oh, but behind the two-star restaurant is a five-star one.
* **Hullopsis**: Five out of...
* **Golf Ball**: Five.
* **Five**: [*from the lobby*] ***YES!***
* **I****ne****i**: Can we go there?
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Yeah, can we?
* **Golf Ball**: I don't know. As a teacher, I'd expect you to use *may*, not *can*. But as a descriptive linguist, I still don't know. [*Beat.*] I seem to have forgotten the question.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: They want to know if they could see the *five-star restaurant*.
* **Golf Ball**: I understand, Clock. They want to know if they could *go*.
* **Kuda****sai**: Yay! So where is it?

[*Golf Ball and Clock smile at each other rather deviously.*]

### **First floor**

**Scene****Coiny** is taking song requests from the strangers. **Pin** stands next to him, whispering acronym-based lyrics into his ears\*.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*strums*] ♫ FIREY! Friend I really expect you... to know! ♫ [*strums again*]
* **Va****hep****sis**: Yay! Now do *Loser*!

[*Pin whispers something and Coiny nods.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: [*strums*] ♫ LOSER! Lover of such excellent real... things! ♫ [*strums again*]
* **Va****hep****sis**: Woo-hoo!
* **Colo****ce**: You're such a great singer, Coiny.
* **Lehop****wan**: You could sing punch cards and I'd still buy your records.
* **Va****hep****sis**: I'll do whatever you want!
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh, I don't have any records or cassettes. Now, if you want to support a BFB artist, go with one of muh boys on the team, who's still making dough with his Christmas records from years ago. Don't ask me why!
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: Sing another song, please!
* **H****ock****sa**: Sing of Ilta, the glorious talking letter-man that brought us here!
* **Co****i****ny**: Okay! That's I-L-T-A, Pin.

[*Thisso demurely raises his hand.*]

* **Thiss****o**: Ilta, although he is not present at present, is known to like it when you acronymize his full name and spell it backwards.
* **Co****i****ny**: And that would be... Ilta Y. Atgaw... Wag... Ta... Y... Atli. Wagtayatli.
* **Pherre**: We love that word!
* **Co****i****ny**: *Wagtayatli* it is, then. Pin?

[*Pin thinks for a second. She has a lightbulb moment as she gasps.*]

* **P****i****n**: I've got it! [*excitedly whispers something into Coiny's* *ear*]

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**The contestants continue to talk to one another while Two and Five clean up their hotel. Price Tag and Puffball notice, confused.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Two?
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: Yes?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Why are you doing that?
* **Five**: Because a clean lobby is a happy lobby.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: No, I mean, why are you cleaning this place all manual-like?
* **Puffball**: I thought you had special powers that let you clean things up automatically.
* **Two**: Oh yeah. I *do* have those powers; thanks for reminding me!

[*Two uses their powers to zap everything in the lobby back to where it was before they, Five and Ilta destroyed everything. Some of the contestants go "ooh" and "ahh" in the background.*]

* **Two**: There, you lot like that? It looks much better again.
* **Five**: Thanks for cleaning up. *Not.*

[*One second later, everyone resumes to talking.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: [*to each other*] Objects.

[*Meanwhile,* **Basketball** *and* **Tennis Ball** *are standing around* **Snowball**, *who looks at them like a wax museum figure with moving eyes. A few other contestants look around.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: It's been a while and Snowball still hasn't said anything yet.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Maybe we should give him more time. Don't you remember the last time we tried to get someone to talk?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, but you heard Two! The viewers think we're partners for whatever reason, and I'd like for my partner to give me some words of encouragement.

[*Snowball begins to open his mouth.*]

* **Donut**: Um... guys? You do know he's about to say something.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Ooh!
* **Winner**: I want to hear this.
* **Sn****owba****ll**: ***GRAUPIUS.***

[*Everyone on the right side of the hotel lobby goes silent. Suddenly, sounds of excitement can be heard as the twenty strange objects hurry their way down the stairs. We can barely understand what they are saying since they are all talking at the same time.*]

* **Two**: Whoa, whoa, *whoa!* What's going on here?
* **Bor****p****u**: We want food!
* **Ag****on****xis**: And Coiny wants us to leave!
* **Two**: What? How'd he do that?
* **Va****hep****sis**: He's so convincing, that's why!
* **Eo**: Now where's the five-star restaurant they're all talking about?
* **Five**: What five-star restaurant?
* **Vi****hep****sis**: The one next to the hotel bar!
* **T****o****b****l****e**: Please feed us, there's no room service in this place!
* **Gno****ka****x****u**: We've only been here for an hour or so.
* **T****o****b****l****e**: Shh!

[*Two and Five look at each other.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: I know what to do! Jinx! You owe me a carbonated beverage!
* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **Golf Ball** **]**: *Waaaaaaaaait!*

[**Clock**, **Coiny**, **Golf Ball** *and* **Pin** *run down the stairs, bumping into Two.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Two, this was all our doing.
* **P****i****n**: Me, Coiny, Pin and GB.
* **Two**: So you're saying that all four of you did our job for us?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's correct.
* **Co****i****ny**: You know it!
* **Two**: In that case... you four are immune!

## Post-contest

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yeah!
* **Co****i****ny**: Up top!

[*Coiny and Clock high/low-five, as do Golf Ball and Pin.*]

* **Two**: And that means the sixteen idlers among you are up for elimination.

[*The other contestants gasp.*]

* **Five**: That's what happens when you don't participate.
* **H****ock****sa**: Can we have our food now?
* **Five**: Sure!

[*Five opens the door and Two kicks* **Hocksa** *down the portal.*]

* **H****ock****sa**: *Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!*

### **Voting screen**

**Scene**The happy 1973 electronic theme that usually plays during voting screen scenes returns. We see Two and Five standing at the bottom of the screen as they announce the votes together.
* **Five**: No, you are!
* **Two**: No *U*! [*clears their throat and looks at the camera*] Welcome back to another round of viewer voting! We realize now that you were more than a bit disappointed with how the voting had gone in the past act, and I admit it too.
* **Five**: *Too!*

[*Two turns around.*]

* **Two**: So for now, we're bringing back viewer voting and asking you—yes, you—to vote in the comments using the letter *and* square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated. That's right! Vote for who you want to stay! The person with the fewest votes will leave the show!

[*As the credits roll.*]

* **Five**: I miss hearing that.
* **Two**: Yep, so do I. I've had enough with the... "Pregnant. Juice. Pouch."

[*Two and Five laugh as the screen fades to the stinger.*]

## Stinger

### **Outside**

**Scene**Late at night. The contestants are all outside with their luggage they brought to the competition. **Coiny** and **Pin** are talking about the contest with some of their friends.
* **B****o****k**: So you serenaded them to the Filing Cabinet?
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh yeah.
* **P****i****n**: It was amazing. He did the acronym song thing and all.
* **Li****y**: I've heard of that! What word did you sing to them?
* **Co****i****ny**: Wagtayatli.
* **S****aw**: What's that?
* **Co****i****ny**: "We are going to ask you all to leave. Immediately."
* **Ar****esko**: That's brilliant!

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene****Two** sends the last of the strangers into the Filing Cabinet.
* **Two**: In you go.
* **Wha****x****a**: Why am I always *laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast?!*

[*Two closes the door and claps the metaphorical dust off their hands.*]

* **Two**: I think my work here is done.

[*Enter* **Five**, *in a hurry.*]

* **Five**: *Twoooooooo!* Turn on the TV!
* **Two**: What is it?
* **Five**: It's about— it's about our planet.
* **Two**: Gasp!

[*Two opens the door to the Filing Cabinet.*]

* **Two**: Portal! Send for me TV.
* **Cabinet Voice**: Sending up... TV.

[*Pause.*]

* **Five**: You know, you could just watch the restaurant TV. [*points at the room to their left*]
* **Two**: No, this seems easier.

[**TV** *pops out of the portal. He looks up at Two and Five, confused.*]

* **T****V**: Wha- what's going on?
* **Two**: TV, Five and I need you.
* **T****V**: Am I competing again?
* **Two**: No! We just need to watch you!
* **T****V**: But I want to go back to the FC; Naily, Nickel, Cake and Bomby got their own hotel room and I want to be their ambient music! Besides, you know there's a TV set in the hotel restaurant.
* **Five**: [*to Two*] Seeeeeee?
* **Two**: Just turn on Equation Playground News, huh?
* **T****V**: Okay.

[*TV switches himself between many channels before landing on Equation Playground news. We don't see it because one of the channels he switches to is a black screen, thus signifying...*]

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

**N****a****ily**: Wow, Nickel, it's so cool you have two dads.
**Nic****k****el**: Three, if you count the one I have at home!
**C****a****ke**: All you need is a baby, heh.
**N****a****ily**: I wish I had two *parents*.

* After Tree says "You were in Italy?":

**P****en**: Mm-hmm. *Italia.* [*He giggles as he does the pinching fingers gesture.*]
**T****r****e****e**: Dolce vita.
**P****en**: See, you get it!

* I need to stop being so Pen-centric, gosh. The professional partnership Bok had with Taco was originally going to be with him (I don't see Bok as a particularly "butch lesbian", but she would take on the rôle of Burt Reynolds in her and Pen's "Bok & Ben Productions"), and I deleted a few of his lines for the same reason as I did with the first deleted scene. For example, I had to get rid of this one that I thought was funny...

**S****aw**: So, Pen, tell me how you know Bok again.
**P****en**: We're both partners! And I didn't even fall for her once, 'cause she doesn't like me that way. She's a Latvian, as a matter of fact.
**S****aw**: I think you mean *lesbian*.
**B****o****k**: [*overhearing*] You called?

* As was this...

**Ar****esko**: ~~You're really ugly~~ I don't find you very attractive, but I'm excited to be in your team!
**P****en**: Gee, thanks! [*Aresko is the only person he lets talk about him like that.*]

* And this. The discussion of daddy issues comes later:

**P****en**: It is?
**T****r****e****e**: Unless, of course, you're talking about London, Ontario.
**P****en**: Oh, no, I could never go back home.

* This scene was shortened. It takes place after Taggy asks "Why, like, why not?":

**Puffball**: Isn't it obvious? It's because Fries is sleeping!
**Two**: Exactly, and that would not be fair! The number of contestants taking part in this challenge, according to my decree, should be either two from each team, five from each team or all people for a total of twenty participants, but since Fries cannot take part and I like the number 2 better than I like 5, I will only have to send two. Like my name.
**Li****y**: [*Aside.*] Weird.
**Two**: Enough talk for now! Who's ready to take up the challenge?
[*Everyone cheers.*]
**Two**: Aaaaaand... *go!*
[*Nobody moves.*]
**Winner**: Um... Two? You didn't really give us any directions; you just said to get the strangers out of the hotel.
**C****l****o****c****k**: We don't even know whom we should be sending.
**Two**: Oh. You're asking for guidance. *Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh*, have I got to do everything?
**C****l****o****c****k**: Don't act like that, it's the beginning of the act.
**Two**: Alright... um... Five?

* One contestant was going to be eliminated at the end of the episode. I thought that wouldn't be fair; after all, TPOT 31 is just like BFDI 1b, and nobody was sent off in that episode.
* There was originally going to be a Filing Cabinet scene at the end. I would have shown Naily, Nickel, Bomby and Cake having fun in their new room (as it is implied that Balloony and Cloudy kicked them out), but that would have just made the episode longer.

## Notes

1. ↑ From now on, I'll add human descriptions to a few actions where appearance is involved. Why not? People have their own headcanons.
2. ↑ My prediction from the last episode was wrong. Maybe *this* will be the last time instead.
3. ↑ Since everyone had the opportunity to watch the new act during the break, they all now know that "Exix" is really "Liy". The hosts probably know that as well, but they still call her Exix out of tradition.
4. ↑ I can make that reference because I'm apparently of the Catholic persuasion lol
5. ↑ They're going to be reading from the highest-rated comment for each pairing that was voted on.
6. ↑ Something something meta: The ship name "Tengolf" is attested, as you'll see if you look it up.
7. ↑ How expository. [*The author rolls his eyes.*]
8. ↑ This is really how I came up with Ilta's name. The "Yolanda" is an affectation.

**Fake TPOT** [V]