The Knobbler

The Knobbler

**The Knobbler** is the namesake, spiritual guardian, and official team mascot of Major League Baseball's Utah Knobblers. It was announced as the mascot when the franchise was founded on November 10th, 2023. The Knobbler has been called a "friend to all Salt Lakers", though its comical antics, disdain for authority, and all-around general hijinks have frequently embroiled the beloved icon in controversy. The Knobbler is a genderless, ageless being that loves baseball, America, and the Mission: Impossible film franchise.

Though its species is unknown, many scientists have tried to trace the Knobbler's lineage and a general consensus has been reached that its kind first walked this Earth "sometime in the 3rd Century BCE", most likely due to ancient battle reports during the First Punic War that claimed the Romans fought alongside a "terrible, blue beast". While Knobblers have appeared in historical records throughout time, no proof has been found of another living Knobbler, leading many experts to believe that the Knobbler walked this Earth long before us and will walk this Earth long after we've gone.

While the Knobbler currently resides at The Knobbler’s Den, beneath the Utah Knobbler’s stadium, the origins of where it originally comes from are murkier. Many think it hails from the nearby mountain peak Gobbler's Knob in the Wasatch Range, though it's often disputed as the Knobbler itself has never confirmed this. Others claim the Knobbler "has no home" and "comes from nowhere but the Great Beyond" which has been equally difficult to prove.

## Description

The Knobbler is an 8-foot-3, blue, fuzzy creature with a pair of golden antlers, three eyes that can never focus in the same direction, spiked teeth and a forked tongue, and rabbit ears. Some curiosities about its physical characteristics are:

* Blue Fur: Can sense pressure changes in the air and is a useful camouflage when swimming in the Great Salt Lake.
* Detachable Golden Antlers: Can be thrown like boomerangs and receive AM radio transmissions.
* Three Eyes: The left eye processes vision normally, the right eye sees UV light, and the third eye (on its forehead) can see gods that walk among us.
* Spiked Teeth: Never needed braces.
* Forked Tongue: Doesn't have sour taste buds, which lets the Knobbler eat as much sour candy as it wants.
* Rabbit Ears: Can hear for up to 8 miles, though its hearing has been mostly lost in the left ear due to an incident with an exploding space heater.

The Knobbler is frequently seen wearing its trademark blue Knobblers hat, which sports another, smaller pair of golden antlers and the Knobblers logo, a blue and gold striped bowtie, and eye black. Everything it wears is for very specific reasons, as follows:

* Knobblers Hat: Contains a pocket-sized black hole on top of the Knobblers head. Should its hat ever be removed, life as we know it will cease to exist.
* Blue and Gold Striped Bowtie: Bestowed upon the Knobbler by Marcus Aurelius on his deathbed in 180 CE.
* Eye Black: To reduce glare from the sun.

During games, the Knobbler wears a team jersey with the infinity symbol on the back, most likely in reference to the fact that the Knobbler was on this Earth before we were and will remain until long after we're gone. Usually, the Knobbler does not wear pants, except during the months of May and July, when its 30-foot long whip-like genitals become exposed due to Salt Lake City's Mediterranean Climate that produces dry summers mixed with monsoon rains, a perfect storm that leads to the Knobblers' involuntary genital exposure. It does not wear shoes as it does not believe in the science behind them.

## Early Life

It's unknown when Edmund Eugene The Knobbler was born, though a record of adoption papers from December 25th, 1979 suggest the Knobbler was adopted by Paul Ransom The Knobbler (1944-2022), an agronomist for the United States Department of Agriculture and Shelley Carol The Knobbler (née Stevens) (b. 1946), a real estate agent by day and nuclear power plant engineer by night. The Knobbler is the only child of Paul and Shelley.

The Knobbler attended Brown University and graduated *summa cum laude* in 1995. During its time at Brown, the Knobbler was President of Brown's Sigma Chi fraternity, though it also took a gap year from 1993-1994, but not much is known what the Knobbler did during this time.

## Protector of Salt Lake City

The Knobbler has been hailed as "the Protector of Salt Lake City" following its heroics during the 1999 Salt Lake City tornado, in which a rare F2 tornado struck downtown Salt Lake City on August 11, 1999. The tornado injured over 100 people and caused approximately $170 million in damage. Of the hundreds of people saved, only 1 was killed, a fact the city rejoiced in, but still haunts the Knobbler to this day.

## Personal Life

### The Knobbler's Den

The Knobbler currently resides at The Knobbler’s Den, an expansive cave system underneath the Utah Knobbler’s stadium “The Knobblehouse”. The entrance to the Den is the only way in, or out, of this cave system and it’s believed that only 3% of it has been explored so far. The Knobbler is extremely territorial and doesn’t allow surveying deeper than the initial level of the Den which now has a gift shop and cafe for visitors and fans. Local authorities have expressed concerns for the public’s safety upon entering the Den, however officials working closely with The Knobblers organization assure everyone that The Knobbler will be on his best worst behavior.

### Sexual Partners

The Knobbler is known for its extensive list of sexual partners. According to its lawyer Seymour Goldberg, "Some people collect stamps, the Knobbler collects partners". French Olympic snowboarder Alix Castex, who met the Knobbler when she was 24, said it was a "smooth talking son of a gun who was extremely confident maybe even too confident", saying: "If it moved, walked, squirmed, or wriggled the Knobbler would hit on it... it was what I could only call a bad boy and rude in all the right ways".

Conservative estimates place the Knobblers' sexual partners somewhere in the 30,000s, though the Knobbler itself has been quoted as saying, "there's still time, brother!"

One of the Knobbler's most notorious sex parties included the likes of Henry Kissinger, Peter North, a reanimated Catherine the Great, Charlie Sheen, Zach Woods, a bust of Caligula, Idi Amin's nephew, Sasha Grey, Liberace (sources claim it was an impersonator, but participants claim it was the real one), and Liza Minelli.

### Comte de Saint Germain

Serious evidence has been uncovered that the Comte de Saint Germain was actually the Knobbler, as it lived in France during the late 1600s-early 1700s.

### Inventions/Works

#### Studio 54

Studio 54 is so named because the Knobbler created Studio One and it took 53 other tries to finally get the club off the ground.

#### Heinz 57 Varieties Sauce

The Knobbler claims to have invented Heinz 57 sauce and just made up a number like Larry Ellison called the first version of Oracle 2.0. The Knobbler claims, like Larry, it didn't need a second try. This has been disputed.

#### Foucault's Pendulum

The Knobbler actually created Foucalt's Pendulum, but allowed it to be named after its friend, Léon Foucault, as Foucault was "going through a bad breakup" at the time.

#### The doorknob

The Knobbler invented the doorknob along with its good friend, Frank Stallone.

#### Fermat's Last Theorem

The Knobbler created Fermat's Last Theorem while on vacation in France.

#### Codex Leicester

Contrary to popular belief, the Codex Leicester was written by the Knobbler, but Leonardo Da Vinci got it drunk one night and stole the papers, selling them to Thomas Coke, Earl of Leicester in 1717.

#### Treaties and Peace Accords

The Knobbler is a well-known author of treaties and peace accords, having expressed a lifelong interest in "getting people together, cracking open a cold one, and just chilling out, man!" Notable works include:

* The Treaty of Tordesillas (1494)
* Treaty of Ghent (1814)
* Paris Peace Accords (1973)

## Controversies

### The Zodiac Killer

The Knobbler is said to have invented the idea of the Zodiac Killer as a radio call-in publicity stunt to sell more horoscope calendar, but the actual killer then took inspiration from the stunt and murdered 5 known victims, though the Zodiac Killer claimed to have murdered 37. The Knobbler has expressed sadness that its publicity stunt was taken this seriously, but ultimately expressed no guilt in what happened.

### 2004 Triple Robbery

In August 2004 The Knobbler was seen robbing a liquor store, pet supply store, and a Dave & Buster’s in downtown Salt Lake City. Over two dozen school children witnessed the shocking events unfold as their school bus was broken down nearby. April Harken, 7, said at the time, “I’ve never seen anything move so goddamn fast in my life. Its arms were carrying so much booze and it had a 50 pound sack of bird feed over its shoulder!”. Police responded to the scene but were too late to confront “The Blue Beast”, not that they would have been able to apprehend it anyway. Chief of Salt Lake City Police Department, Chandler Mills, said this in his official statement to the public, “That blue bastard can’t be stopped. I know we’re supposed to protect and serve, but what do you honestly expect us to do about it? Everyone keep your head on a swivel and just give it what it wants. Trust me, it’s easier that way.”

### Occupy Wall Street Incident

On October 14th, 2011, during the Occupy Wall Street movement, the Knobbler consumed Patrick P. Stuffinglongs, an investment banker for Blackstone Inc. in what was called "an accident". The Knobbler claimed it misunderstood the meaning of the phrase "Eat the Rich" and took it literally following a performance with Tom Morello outside of the Equitable Building at 120 Broadway. Tom Morello disputes this fact. Local authorities apprehended the Knobbler following the incident, but it was released after 24-hours in holding due to a "lack of evidence", though detractors called for a harsher punishment and believed the authorities were swayed by the Knobblers trademark dance moves.

### 2023 Supreme Court Hearing

The Knobbler was called in as a witness during *Relentless, Inc. v Department of Commerce*, but instead spent its entire allotted time talking about its desire to see a new Major League Baseball team in Salt Lake City and to see Charner Niebart installed as the new commissioner following Rob Manfred's untimely departure from the position. The Knobbler also called for an immediate Expansion Draft to take place. The Knobbler also entered a statement into the court's record showing how much it loved Shohei Ohtani.

### Cult Worship

There is a well-known statue of the Knobbler on 9th and 9th in Salt Lake City that has a cult following among the local population. The phrase "Don't Knock the Knobbler" is sometimes seen on T-shirts from those who have joined its cult following. Another motto is "In Knobbler We Trust".

### Child Biting

The Knobbler has only bitten 19 children on record.