Fake TPOT 18: Like Game/part 1

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
"**Like Game**" is the non-canon eighteenth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 22 December 1978. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 17 (or even TPOT 2) comes out. Some alternative titles of this are "**The First Game Show Episode**" and "**Two-ety Two**".

Author's note: Ha! I tricked you all! I hyped up TPOT 42 as the first game show parody of the series by making promotional photos and personal userboxes released thirty episodes too early, when it was actually this one, episode 18! Now if only I had time to make a promotional photo for this. Seeing Book as Brett Somers and Tennis Ball as Charles Nelson Reilly would totally make my day.

Previous episode: "Block City Rockers"

## Pre-credits scene

### **EXIT**

**Scene**The knocking on the door continues from the last episode. Some of the EXITers start to bob their heads to the beat.
* **St****a****py**: ♫ We will, we will—
* **P****e****nci****l**: ***NO!***
* **Li****y**: Gosh, Pencil, no need to be mean about it. But seriously, Stapy, hold the jaw for the devil.
* **St****a****py**: Aww.
* **Ma****tch**: And you could at least, like, get the door.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: I can't remember what life was like before the *never-ending knocks!*
* **St****a****py**: [*getting up*] Don't get so hot-headed, man, this is a freezer.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: That line doesn't work here!

[*Stapy opens the door. On the other side is* **X**, *only Four's trusty co-host. He has been bouncing a tennis ball against the door.*]

* **Everyone**: X?
* **X**: Hello! I just wanted to remind you that Four's coming soon for inspection, so I'm going to sing a song while you prepare!
* **Li****y**: Ugggggggh.
* **X**: You'd better think fast, because you also have a pop quiz!
* **Bracel****ety**: One does not simply announce a pop quiz!
* **P****e****nci****l**: And we didn't even study for that! Besides, I thought this place was just for us eliminated people! How did you get in here?
* **X**: [*blushing*] Oh, um, Four and I were doing our taxes, and things got out of hand.
* **Ma****tch**: [*sibi loquitur*] Heh heh, *taxes*, heh heh. Vore.

[*Everyone looks at Match.*]

* **Ma****tch**: What?
* **X**: Uh, that's not at all what happened!

[*Flashback to Four helping X with their tax returns.*]

**Four**: And now you carry the 2. [*grumbles*] Gnnh, *two*.
**X**: Like this?
**Four**: No, like this! [*Four picks up the income tax return document (accidentally picking up X with him) and sucks both X and the paper into his body.*]
**X**: Aaaaaaaah!
**Four**: I made an oopsie!
[*End flashback.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Well, that's, like, vanilla. Perfect for your boy, Penc-penc!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Shush.
* **X**: So does anyone have any questions before I sing my song?
* **Li****y**: How long until Four arrives?
* **X**: Um, in terms of minutes, twelve!
* **8****-****Ball**: [*monotonously*] Which, in terms of hours, is point two.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Point what?
* **8****-****Ball**: I said, point *twOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.***

[*The intro plays.*]

## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **The S!'s hotel room**

**Scene**The first full view of the room where The S! are staying. On the side closest to the door (where Clock and Winner are) there is little to no decoration and it is very tidy, almost like a hospital ward. On the other side (where Gaty and Saw live) it is messier and more vibrant. **Clock** is wearing his reading glasses while he reads a book. **Winner** is dusting their glass menagerie.
* **G****at****y**: You know, Saw, I like this new you. Not that I didn't like you before the whole voice change, but you know what I mean.
* **S****aw**: Mm-hmm! I can finally say everything in the tone of voice I want! Isn't that great?
* **G****at****y**: Greaty great great. But tell me, is there anything you miss about those fumes?
* **S****aw**: Hmm, how about... how I can no longer dictate Two to truncate the negated adaptation of 888?
* **G****at****y**: Or joke about the rates on the state of Skategate's estate?
* **S****aw**: Or debate the innate traits of the straights?
* **G****at****y**: Yes!

[*They both laugh. Clock looks annoyed.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: D'um, can you talk somewhere else? I'm trying to read here, and Winner's dusting their glass menagerie.
* **G****at****y**: But we're just having fun. You should try it sometime.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Reading *is* fun.
* **S****aw**: So is watching television, but this hotel room hasn't got a colour TV. By the way, Gaty, wasn't there a new *Mind Your Maths* last night?
* **G****at****y**: Omg, you're so right. Come on, Saw, let's go to AYO's and see if it's on TV.
* **S****aw**: Sure! [*to Clock*] And we're talking about the contestant here. [*getting up with Gaty*] Bye, Winner!
* **G****at****y**: Bye, Four Eyes. [*Clock grumbles something.*]
* **S****aw**: Hey, that's half... of ***EIGHT!***

[*Exeunt* **Gaty** *and* **Saw** *in good spirits.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Finally, they're gone.
* **Winner**: [*finishing their dusting*] Aaaaand... done!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Looking nice there, Winner.
* **Winner**: Thanks! If we have to move all our stuff again, I'll be very upset.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yeah.
* **Winner**: I mean, not as upset as I was earlier, but still pretty *eh*-y.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I'm just happy you're not so "eh-y" anymore. What's with the sudden change?
* **Winner**: I've finally found out what bothers me about Pen. It took a couple of months, but now I've a clue!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: It's always good to find out what's bothering you. So what is it?

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Winner**: Tell you later when we have our privacy.
* **Two**: Hey, The S! It's time for Cake at Stake! You don't want to be the last to show up, do you?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Of course not. Hey, didn't you promise not to barge into people's rooms for your New Year's resolution?
* **Two**: Do I look like someone who sticks to their New Year's resolutions?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: No.
* **Two**: Anyway, it's time to go downstairs now. Chop-chop!

[**Clock** *exits the room in ernest.* **Winner** *follows, looking at Two with a concerned expression. As soon as they're out, Two stares at the camera.*]

### **Cake at Stake place**

**Scene**Everyone is gathered for Cake at Stake. The members of The Strongestest Team on Earth! stand on platforms.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Aw, I'm going to miss that song.
* **Need****le**: Wait, it's not permanent?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: It changes every act!
* **Two**: That's right. And since this act is coming to a close, I'm going to have to find a new songwriter. [*to the audience*] Do any of you—
* **Yellow Face**: No advertise-y please, unless it's me.
* **Two**: Anyway, The Strongestest Team on Earth! You were up for elimination last episode! How does that make you feel?
* **Snowball**: It make me *mad!*

[*Snowball reaches out to give Two a rather unfriendly punch.*]

* **Two**: Well, I wonder whose fault that was.
* **Donut**: Two, why did you say *Strongestest Team on Earth*?
* **E****g****gy**: You didn't hear, Donut? We changed our name!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Even though *strongestest* still isn't a word.
* **Golf Ball**: You are right that it is not a word in a prescriptivist sense, but as long as it has a meaning, it counts as a word!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*happy*] Wow, GB, I stand corrected! Thanks!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: You're really taking this inclusive linguistics thing to a new level, aren't you?
* **Golf Ball**: I need not be patted on my back.
* **Snowball**: That's because you'd *fall!*

[*Two claps again.*]

* **Two**: Hush now, I'm the MC! Get it? Because I'm the *Master of Cake*? [*sees that no one is laughing*] Anyway, the prize today is cake.

[*Everyone gasps as a non-sentient chocolate cake is chopped up into pieces. It so happens to look like Cake, the ex-contestant.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Two, don't tell me you killed our friend!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I want to severely reprimand you.
* **Two**: D'ye seriously think that this cake, which hasn't even got eyeballs or legs, is your friend? I bought this cake when I was in town last night, and it just so happens that the funds from the bakery are being used to support Cake's *family's* bakery in the Goikyan States.

[*View of* **Cake** *watching the show from his hotel room with* **Balloony** *and* **Rocky***. He is holding a stack of cash.*]

* **C****a****ke**: [*to no one in particular*] That's right!

[*Back to the Cake at Stake place.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh! Then my attitude towards you has completely flipped, you charitable number, you!
* **Two**: Thanks! Now we got [*number*] votes today. Snowball, I have no idea how you did it, but you are safe.
* **Snowball**: Give me!

[*Two flings a cake to Snowball, as they do with the other contestants declared safe. Snowball catches the cake with his mouth.*]

* **Snowball**: Cake, frick, yeah!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*Aside.*] He used to devour me like that.

[*Book pats his head.*]

* **Two**: Also safe is... Tennis Ball!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Yay-awr!
* **Two**: And so is Basketball! Notice anything, remainder contestants?
* **E****g****gy**: Yeah, it's the one day I wish I were a ball, heh.
* **Two**: Well, the least ball-like of you is also safe. Needle?
* **Need****le**: Thank you! [*grabs her cake*]
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah!
* **P****i****n**: Go, Needle!
* **Two**: Now it's down to Grassy, Robot Flower and Eggy. Remember: this is another double elimination, so only one of you is safe.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, I hope it's Grassy!
* **Gra****ssy**: I'm Grassy!
* **Two**: Well, it's not.
* **Gra****ssy**: What?

[*Silence of suspense.*]

* **Two**: Robot Flower is the contestant declared safe and Grassy and Eggy *are eliminated!* Not even APOY can save you now!
* **E****g****gy**: Oh, darn.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Isn't this a bit surprising!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: It's all because of what I said last episode!
* **Two**: That's true; viewers won't forget your speaking Ububbubi Dububbubi.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: That was in the summer! The *B language* is all the rage these days!
* **Two**: What's that? When you replace each *P* with a 🅱️?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Nope!
* **E****g****gy**: Oh, can I give my goodbye speech in it?
* **Two**: Sure, why not. I'd like to hear this funky new language from the source, anyway.

[*Grassy and Eggy are lifted and are on their way to the Filing Cabinet.*]

* **E****g****gy**: *Mobost pebeopuble obon thibis shobow subuck ebeggs, ibinclubudibing thebe hobost, bubut Ibi stibill mabade aba febew friebends obout obof thebe subuckibishnebess.* [*Subtitles: "Most people on this show suck eggs, including the host, but I still made a few friends out of the suckishness."*]
* **Cloudy**: Oh, these young people and their trends.
* **Eraser**: Hey, that B language started in our family first.
* **Puffball**: Oh, duh. 🅱️en.
* **P****en**: Hello.
* **Two**: And what about you, Grassy?
* **Gra****ssy**: I'm Gra—

[*Eggy and Grassy fall through the portal.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Aww, we don't even know what he was going to say next!
* **Two**: Now that Cake at Stake's finished, I'm going to have a snack. Bye!

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two**.]

## Post–Cake at Stake

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**All the contestants have dispersed after Cake at Stake. **Clock** stands in the middle of the field, patrolling for no-gooders. Enter **Winner**.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Hey, Winner.
* **Winner**: I guess it's time. [*points to Clock's hands*]
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Time for what?
* **Winner**: Time for the cows to come home, Clock. /s
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Sarcasm sounds really great when it comes out of your mouth. [*to Gaty and Saw, who are next to him*] And *only* their mouth, so kindly butt out.

[*Gaty and Saw walk off, gossiping. The background gradually phases until it is entirely green.*]

* **Winner**: I'm sorry. Maybe I'm just not ready to tell anyone yet.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, that's your choice, Win.
* **Winner**: No, but I *have* to tell you, somebody, anybody! This is a revelation that's given me so much joy; I can't waste it on just myself.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You're a saint.
* **Winner**: I'll still whisper it to you so nobody else can hear.

[*Winner looks over at Pen, who is cheerfully talking with Eraser and his friends on Death PACT Again. Winner looks up.*]

* **Winner**: And that means you too, giant Two.
* **Giant** **Two**: Aww!

[**Two**, *who has grown to gigantic proportions larger than their own hotel, walks away to the sound of extremely loud footsteps. No one seems to notice.*]

* **Winner**: Anyway... [*Winner whispers something to Clock, who stands there, getting progressively angrier.*]
* **C****l****o****c****k**: What the tick? I knew there was something off about that guy! *Je le casserai, si Dieu le veut!* [*Subtitles: "I will break him, God willing!"*]
* **Winner**: [*looking down at the subtitles*] No, Clock, don't do that, violence is never the answer.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I didn't mean it literally; these hands haven't struck a living soul in ages. I'm just going to give him the glaring treatment until I get an answer.
* **Winner**: Clock, please stop. I- I can handle this myself.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You sure?
* **Winner**: Yes. This is mainly about me, and a few other people here.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, good on you for sticking to your beliefs.
* **Winner**: Can I please have a little backup, though?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Anything for my best comrade.

[*Winner high-fives Clock's face. Meanwhile, a loud wet fart sound can be heard in the background.* **Two** *is not recovering anyone, but they shrink back to their original size as the back of a huge building appears behind them.*]

* **Two**: [*to the camera*] I ate a television studio.

### **EXIT**

**Scene**Serious music, featuring a snare drum. **Four** is sitting at the teacher's desk, looking at his entire class of EXITers who are all writing their exam papers. Also, let's get excited! This is Four's first major appearance in the TPOT!
* **Four**: No talking, please.

[*Almost immediately afterwards.*]

* **Li****y**: [*whispering*] Hey, Stapy.
* **St****a****py**: Shh, I'm trying to work!
* **Li****y**: You're writing smut. You always make that face when you write smut. Badly.
* **St****a****py**: So?
* **Li****y**: I want to talk about something. Have you ever noticed anything about Four when he's sitting up there?
* **St****a****py**: Not really.
* **Li****y**: I've noticed that every time we have a test, Four's only aware of up to four people at once. Then he shifts his attention to the next group of people, until it's just us on the side he hasn't looked at. This means that as long as Four's sitting at the teacher's desk, we can talk about anything we want!
* **St****a****py**: Interesting crack theory, Liy. Now leave me alone.
* **Li****y**: You go do your "maths". [*Beat.*] And don't try to write yourself in as a lewd, horny, oversexed beast with five hands. It's not becoming.
* **St****a****py**: Yeah, whatever.

[*Suddenly, Four appears next to Liy and Stapy's desks.*]

* **Four**: [*recycled line, just louder*] ***No talking, please.***
* **Li****y**: [*hangs her head up*] I *knooooow*.

## Pre-contest

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**As is usual for the newer episodes, **Two** claps their hands to get everyone's attention: They're going to announce the next contest, but no one is looking.
* **Two**: Can I have everyone's attention now? [*Pause.*] ♫ One, two, three-ee, eyes on me-ee! ♫ [*obnoxiously*] Huh-yee-huh-yee-huh-yee-huh-yee—I'm not going to stop until everybody gives me their undivided attention—huh-yee-trolololololololololololololololololol!

[*Everyone looks at Two.*]

* **Two**: Thanks, you diphthongs.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Hmm, unorthodox teaching strategy.
* **Golf Ball**: I would have fired Two for being a nuisance.

[*Her teammates look at her strangely.*]

* **Golf Ball**: It doesn't count because Two's a host.
* **T****V**: Valid.
* **Puffball**: True af.
* **Two**: The eighteenth contest... will take place tonight!

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: A night contest? We haven't had one of those in forever!
* **N****a****ily**: This is going to be ripper! But... why?
* **T****r****e****e**: Perhaps the giant building that's just appeared behind Two's bum has something to do with it.
* **Two**: That's correct, for tonight's contest is a game show!

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **Two**: It seems that I have eaten several momentarily-hired stagehands and set designers after Cake at Stake, but as of now, they have left my system and are now working on the set for tonight's competition.
* **Eraser**: Heh heh, *eaten*, heh heh. [*extremely deep voice*] Vore.
* **P****en**: You and Match, you're a match made in heaven.

[**Two** *teleports between Eraser and Pen. The two guys look around, confused.*]

* **Two**: You mean, a *like* made in heaven!

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two** *back to where they were standing.*]

* **Two**: Now I want each team to select an individual who brings the highest level of intellect and witty humour. We'll meet when the sun goes down, where a studio audience will be awaiting you. Good luck!

## Contest prep

[*All the contestants group into teams again to decide who should represent them in the contest. With Just Not.*]

* **Bo****ok**: This is so exciting!
* **Nic****k****el**: I know, right? Like, a game show! Wowee!
* **N****a****ily**: Such an opportunity may not occur again!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wait, I'm confused. Is TPOT *not* a game show? I mean, we compete against one another for years, play games on certain days of the month and then get eliminated. If it's not a game show, it's the world's least efficient pest control service.
* **Nic****k****el**: I do declare that *that's* what it is.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Anyway, there's a building here that wasn't there before! My curiosity's piqued.
* **Bo****ok**: So is mine. Let's go see what the set design looks like.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Okay!

[*As all we can see (for now) is the back of the game show set, Just Not disappear behind the building.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh.
* **Nic****k****el**: Y'all must be the construction workers.
* **People**: *Hi, Nickel!*
* **Nic****k****el**: Ugh, people.

[*They walk back.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Maybe we shouldn't see what the set design looks like.

### **EXIT**

**Scene**The almost peaceful test-taking scene from earlier has devolved into chaos. Liy and Stapy have engaged in a war of office supplies against Match and Pencil, Bracelety has been doodling on the desk and David and Dora are trying to kill each other, while Roboty, Firey Jr. and 8-Ball play a game of tag around the desks. **Four** gives a monologue on the whole situation.
* **Four**: I have completely lost control of my own algebra class. However, I am not even sure if this is my real classroom, because it was destroyed several months ago, and yet it has sprung into existence once more, thanks to the evil forces of Liy. Curse you, Liy.
* **Li****y**: Hey, who are you calling evil?
* **Four**: I have given in and decided that there will be no more examinations inside me, only because they do not listen. They never listen! And also because I have better things to do than worry about the goings-on of a bunch of show dropouts.
* **Ma****tch**: Like, who are you calling slow dropouts?
* **Bracel****ety**: You mean *show* dropouts!
* **Four**: I will not leave this room because I assume that one of them will cause its non-existence. And that will be okay-dokay for me! Their loss, not mine!

[*Four smiles.*]

### **Outside the studio and the hotel**

**Scene**Almost sundown. One by one, lights turn on in the background, starting with the big light in the front of the hotel. It illuminates **Two** as they stand before the contestants. The crowd can be heard in the background throughout this scene as music plays.
* **Two**: Alright, it's almost sunset, my show starts in two minutes or two, and it looks like we're ready to go!

[*Two points to the audience sitting in front of the open studio. We get a glimpse of them too; they are all the recommended characters of this episode. Their names and recommenders appear as they chat happily with one another.*]

* **Two**: Now I can't have a show without my contestants. Where are the six team representatives?
* **T****r****e****e**: I'm here. I'll be the snarky gentleman who puts on a different accent for show.
* **S****aw**: Yeet!
* **G****at****y**: You got this, Saw!
* **S****aw**: Only because you refused!
* **Bo****ok**: I don't know why when you're so funny, Gaty!
* **G****at****y**: Me? Funny? It's much easier to laugh at others than at myself. [*looks back*] Okay, Clock didn't hear that. I'm still morally right in his eyes.
* **S****aw**: Morally right–*adjacent*.
* **G****at****y**: Mm-hmm.
* **Two**: Alright, looking good.

[**Tennis Ball** *and* **Pin** *also step up, as does* **Pen**. *He is wearing a brown suit, as was popular in the late seventies.*]

* **P****e****n**: I'm here too; don't count me out just yet!
* **Two**: Really? Your team chose you?
* **Golf Ball**: It was a matter of consensus. [*As she says this, a piece of paper falls from the sky. Eraser reads it to himself.*] What Pen lacks in intelligence (not my words, by the way), he makes up for with his supposed quick-wittedness, which has never been seen or heard before because my past self never gave my teammates a chance. [*Beat.*] That's all I have to say.
* **Puffball**: Huh. GB didn't even offer to step up.
* **T****V**: Pretty sus!
* **Eraser**: [*stilted*] Uh, maybe we should let someone else represent Are You Okay.
* **P****e****n**: What happened, I thought we were bros!
* **Two**: If you want to switch, you'd better do it quickly. I've a show to run in over two seconds!
* **Eraser**: Didn't you, like, leave something in the oven in our hotel room? The... whole team saw you.
* **P****e****n**: Alright, I think there are a couple tattletales among us.
* **T****V**: That's a double reference!
* **Eraser**: Yeah, why don't you sit this one out and let me fill in for you, eh?
* **P****e****n**: Uh... sure.
* **Eraser**: [*giving him a thumbs up*] You got it, dude.
* **P****e****n**: You too, you son of a gun!

[*Exit* **Pen**. **Winner** *is standing on the roof, looking down at the scene. They sigh in relief.*]

* **Eraser**: *Awesome*, I get to be on a game show!
* **Two**: Yes, awesome indeed. Now, everyone but the Super Six, please go to the reserved seats in the front row.
* **Yellow Face**: Got it!

[*Two uses their powers to levitate all the competing contestants and line them up in two rows of three.*]

* **Whoever-They-Are**: Twenty-two times two seconds till showtime!
* **Two**: [*to the voice*] *Coming!* [*to the contestants*] In a few seconds, I will use my powers to send you through that wall, just like in that video. This comes from, I don't know, something to do with scrambling molecules. Anyway, I think you'll be *amazed* at what our set designers have done for the look of tonight's challenge. I should know, because I've got taste. I ate them, for Gogma's sake!
* **S****aw**: Ooh, is this a pre-challenge pep talk?
* **T****r****e****e**: If it is, it's not that good.
* **Two**: No, I'm just rambling with nervousness!
* **Bo****ok**: Oh, Two, there's nothing to worry about!
* **Two**: Same to you. Now, pretend to be be amazing panelists, all of you!
* **Crowd**: In two! Two! Two! Two!

## Contest

### **S-Two-Dio**

**Scene**Fade in from black. Instead of the usual orange screen (you might know what I'm referring to) with the bright, blinking lights and round squares, it's a green screen with bright, blinking lights and round squares. **Whoever-They-Are**, a disembodied voice that sounds like two people in one, introduces the contestants as they literally pass through the wall of the set—their eyes are closed (because who wants to see what's in a wall) until their names are called, after which they are un-levitated and plop down on a seat, stunned at what they see. Seventies music.
* **Whoever-They-Are**:
Get ready to like the Z-list celebrities...
from *Are You Okay*, Eraser...
from *Just Not*, Book...
from *The Strongestest Team on Earth!*, Tennis Ball...
from *The S!*, Saw...
from *Death PACT Again*, Tree...
and from *Cold Woe Bunch*, Pin...
as we play the contestant-studded, big-money *Two's Special Seventeenth Skirmish Show*!

[*Great applause as we see the set:* **Eraser**, **Book** *and* **Tennis Ball** *are on the top row and* **Saw**, **Tree** *and* **Pin** *are on the bottom.*]

* **Bo****ok**: [*Aside.*] I thought this was the eighteenth show.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It's more alliterative this way.

[*The contestants' seats turn around, revealing the players of the day, special guest stars* **Lollipop** *and* **Firey**.]

* **S****aw**: Oh my gosh, hi, Lollipop! [*Lollipop waves.*]
* **Whoever-They-Are**: And now, here's the host of *Two's Special Seventeenth Skirmish Show*: Twow—I mean, *Two!*

[*Great applause as* **Two** *enters, bumbling. They hold a very thin microphone.*]

* **Two**: Thank you, thank you, to whoever pronounced my name wrong on the first try! [*to the camera*] And thanks to the entire Equation Playground for joining us tonight! If 100% of you are watching, that's already infinity. We might even beat the Numbervision Song Contest!

[*Applause.*]

* **Two**: Now, if you're an object watching right now, [*Beat.*] I don't care. [*Laughter.*]
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*in the audience*] I can't tell if that's satirical or not!
* **N****a****ily**: Knowing Two, they are being dead serious.
* **Two**: [*to the panelists*] And aren't you a good-looking batch of people? I mean, all six of you—that's three times me, by the way.
* **P****i****n**: I think this is how we naturally look, Two.
* **Eraser**: Not really. [*points to the "Pen" name tag under his seat*] You see that name under me? My brother was supposed to be here tonight and he was wearing a suit.
* **Two**: Yeah, I saw that. Why was he wearing a suit, Eraser?
* **Eraser**: Says, [*imitating Pen*] "A fella's got to dress his smartest!" [*Laughter.*] I do a good Pen impression.
* **Bo****ok**: Oh, not to mention the fact that we're naked anyway. [*Laughter.*] Seriously, does no one know *Janteloven* in this country? "You're not to think you dress better than *we* do", am I right?

[*Applause, most noticeably from one person in the audience. They must surely be Goikyan Norwegian as well.*]

* **Two**: Ah, well, it's nice to see you people in a setting like this. And now, let's say hello to Lollipop and Firey!

[*Applause.*]

* **S****aw**: Hi, Lolly! Oh, wait, I've already said that.
* **Lol****l****ipop**: It's cool. Better to get the Z-listers' attention this way. /j [*Saw giggles.*]
* **Two**: Lollipop, since you already seem acquainted with the ins and outs of the people of this panel... [*Laughter.*] We'll begin with you.
* **Lol****l****ipop**: Well, my name is Lollipop, obviously, I come from South Goikyan Africa, but I can't go back there, obviously, so I spend half of my days in London with my fork repellent company, and the other half in this beautiful city. The real thing, not this diarchic illusion. Obviously. [*Laughter.*]
* **Two**: I'm not offended; I wouldn't want to be a local on this set either.
* **Lol****l****ipop**: I've also been living with two flatmates for the past five years, but if you were around them, you'd think it was fifty years. /j In fact, they're the reason why I'm on this programme in the first place.
* **Two**: And would you like to say hello to them?
* **Lol****l****ipop**: Bubble and Ruby, this is for you.

[*Everyone gasps. We don't see what happens as the camera cuts to a shocked Two.*]

* **Two**: I don't think we're allowed to show that in a live broadcast.
* **P****i****n**: Hey, Lollipop, wrong finger! [*Laughter.*]
* **Lol****l****ipop**: Damn, if only. Don't blow your top, you lot, this is just a friendly gesture we greet each other with. We do this to scare off outsiders who don't like the way we roll.
* **Everyone**: Oh! [*Great applause.*]
* **G****at****y**: Classic Lollipop.
* **Two**: Now I'm scared. But still, welcome to our programme. Let's find out about this gentleman. Tell us about yourself, if you please.
* **Fi****r****ey**: *Give it to me I deserve it hand it over I want it I need it please give it to me the prize I want it I need it I need it I'm begging for it please...*
* **Co****i****ny**: [*in the audience*] Nice to know he hasn't changed.
* **Barf** **Bag**: And the viewers let him win?
* **Two**: [*to Firey*] Hush-sheesh-sheesh-sheesh! [*Laughter.*] I didn't want to do this, but you've left me with no choice.

[*Two pulls out an index card.*]

* **Two**: Now it says here that Firey is an unemployed man from Chicago. That's in the Goikyan States, innit?
* **Fi****r****ey**: It is, in fact! I *hl*ive there with my beautiful wife, *Hl*eafy.
* **Woman #2**: [*in the back of the audience*] Fireafy, ***YEAH!***

[*Thunderous applause, even louder than that which introduced Two.*]

* **Man #3**: No! Fireoiny!

[*Mixture of cheers and jeers.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: What are they talking about?
* **Donut**: Who knows?
* **Two**: It appears that most of the fans are divided... on reality. [*to the audience*] Calm down, everyone! [*to Firey*] Go on, please?
* **Fi****r****ey**: Yes, *Hl*eafy. She works as a beautiful minister at a beautiful church, teaching the beautiful gospel to beautiful people. Together we have about twenty, thirty beautiful children? Well, I guess that's what becomes of *hl*ife when you're married to a *hl*eaf-turned-housewife-turned-minister. [*Eraser mouths those last words*]
* **Two**: And you don't know how many children you've got?
* **Fi****r****ey**: It's weird, but I'm not the best with numbers. Or having a good memory. The oldest one's got my name; that I know.

[*Quiet laughter.*]

* **Two**: Well, it's still great to have you here, sir, and good luck to both of you. [*Aside.*] Not. [*Aloud.*] You should be so lucky that this game doesn't require such difficult skills, because all you have to do in *T-Quadruple-S* is know how to write a good answer. Can you do that?
* **Fi****r****ey**: I think I can.
* **Two**: Can *you* do it, Lollipop?
* **Lol****l****ipop**: If someone like Firey can, so can I.
* **Two**: In this challenge, the brunt of the burden won't be borne by you two guests, but by these six lovely dingalings here: Eraser, Book, Tennis Ball, Saw, Tree and Pin.
* **Eraser**: Wait, this isn't how it goes.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Yeah, I've watched the 1962 original and it was nothing like this.
* **Two**: Oh, have you forgotten? You're still competing for *The Power of Two!* [*Two makes a donkey sound. Laughter.*] Anyway—and I'm speaking to the Super Six, by the way—here on *Two's Special Seventeenth Skirmish Show*, each of you has two times two opportunities to match as many of our guests as possible. Whoever has done that the most times at the end of Round 22 will be the winner, and will go on to play *Two's Super Special Seventeenth Skirmish*, which can pay out over 2,763 Equation Playground francs.

[*Applause.*]

* **Two**: 2,763 EPFs is equal to about $0.03. [*Laughter.*] So, Lollipop, you go first. Would you like A or B?
* **Lol****l****ipop**: C.
* **Two**: It wasn't a trick question. A or B.
* **Lol****l****ipop**: Okay, D.
* **Two**: You can only choose between A and B.
* **Lol****l****ipop**: Fine, B, 'cos I'm Goikyan British.
* **Fi****r****ey**: Bri'ish!
* **Lol****l****ipop**: Shut up, *A*-merican Firey. [*Laughter.*]
* **Two**: She chooses B! [*Applause. Two picks up a card and reads it.*] "Dumb David is so dumb..."

[*Silence.*]

* **Eraser**: ***HOW DUMB IS HE?***
* **Two**: *Grazie mille*, O rose one. "Dumb David is so dumb, when he watched the *Pentagon Wars Holiday Special*, he took it *blank*". [*Raucous laughter.*]

[*The music goes on and everyone starts writing (Tennis Ball leans back to write with his foot).*]

* **Two**: "Dumb David is so dumb, when he watched the *Pentagon Wars Holiday Special*, he took it *blank*". Lollipop?
* **Lol****l****ipop**: He took it **with great aplomb**. [*Applause.*]
* **Two**: Oh. Big and pretentious word there. What have you written, Eraser?
* **Eraser**: I don't know, dude, I don't watch holiday *or* pentagon specials. But I said... [*shows his card*] **for a roll of toilet paper**. [*Bzzt! Laughter.*]
* **T****r****e****e**: What the seed?
* **Two**: A what, you say?
* **Eraser**: You know, the film thing, it can be used as TP. One time, we were on this movie set and I—
* **Bo****ok**: *Herregud*, Eraser, we know how it works! Not that I'd like to imagine that, but anyway, I said **seriously**. [*Bzzt! Great applause.*]
* **Two**: Took it seriously. I guess if you wanted to play the grave card, you would.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I also said **seriously**. [*Bzzt!*] You know, as I'm sure most people do, like "Aw, seriously!"
* **Two**: Whoa, is that how you write?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It's cute, isn't it? I would rate it top class of the whole class.
* **Bo****ok**: Where, TB, in primary school? /s
* **Two**: Think, Book: If you've got nothing nice to say, just put it in writing... in a font worse than Tennis Ball's. [*Laughter.*]
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Hey, GB's the one with the serifs.
* **Golf Ball**: [*Aside, to Cloudy.*] I write pretty well compared to most people of my arm status.
* **S****aw**: I said **great**! [*Bzzt!*]
* **G****at****y**: Whoo!
* **S****aw**: I just wanted to say another word with the "eight" sound; it's just too much fun!

[*Lollipop gives her the side-eye.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: I said **seriously**. [*Bzzt!*] Come on, it's the only thing the man could be bothered to say, is it not?
* **Nic****k****el**: [*in the audience*] Can't get that wrong.
* **N****a****ily**: No, siree!
* **P****i****n**: I went the other way. Bear in mind, I've never actually talked to David before, but I know he would take such a film... **with great aplomb**! [*Ding! Applause.*]
* **Lol****l****ipop**: Finally, someone with a proper mindset.
* **Two**: Indeed! [*looking at a watch that has magically appeared out of nowhere*] Oh, this is very strange. Since all the introductions were so long, it looks like we're running out of time.
* **Eraser**: Wait, but Firey didn't get a chance to speak!
* **T****r****e****e**: He's spoken enough, don't you think? [*Light laughter.*]
* **Two**: You didn't let me finish, well, you didn't let me finish, indeed! I meant, we're going to have a break to do a little business with the Equation Playground. How does that sound?
* **Fi****r****ey**: It sounds all right.
* **Two**: Alright!

[*Applause as the music plays (time for a commercial break on Equation Playground TV), obscuring conversations and fading to the next scene.*]

Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Notes

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 322 results, mothertruckers! (The link is just to a Google search. Nothing naughty, *I hope!*)
2. ↑ First line of dialogue where Four talks directly after Two in TPOT!
3. ↑ First offence against the rules in the presence of Four in TPOT!
4. ↑ His suit is brown because it's the seventies—human fashion trends have apparently carried over to the objects' dimension.
5. ↑ **BFB 29**: 15:10.
6. ↑ That's not a pretentious way of saying "Round 4".

**Fake TPOT** [V]