2020 Power Rankings-Week 1

## Introduction

We don't know what will happen this season, so these may be both my first and last power rankings of 2020.

2020 has been weird. Let's just throw that out there. If 2020 could be compared to a Super Bowl, it would be Super Bowl LIII. 13-3. Everyone expected great offensive battle. Instead, they get a snoozefest and the bad guys won by being slightly less shitty than the underdogs.

Half-way through this season, we're getting a presidential election. That should be fun. What will happen first? The election of a President without dimentia or Matt saying he's quitting fantasy football? Jokes on you guys, he already said that yesterday when Mike Evans was reported to have a hamstring injury.

Wow, what a great audience.

Hey, you guys hear the one about the good pick Shotti had during the draft? Me neither.

Here's a joke for you: What does OBJ's bedroom fetish and Jared's team have in common?

Wow, what a great audience.

So after losing my job, cancelling my wedding, getting attacked by Chris's dog, devoting days of work to a podcast that has seen ZERO listenership growth over the last twelve months, and being blocked inexplicably on Twitter from Jerry Thornton (who last year introduced our draft order), it's football season. It took us almost as long to get here as it took to get to the second round of the Headhunters draft. AMIRIGHT?

So now I'm back at work, but I'm working from home. I've been in social isolation since March and up until a week before the draft I was still convinced I wasn't playing fantasy football. I hate fantasy football. It fucking sucks. It's not like Monopoly where it takes you forever to play and if you lose you can at least say "shit well, hey, that was fun." No, you either win or it fucking sucks. There is no fun.

BUT I miss you guys and gals and fetuses and didn't want to miss out on whatever chaos is sure to ensue from the 2020 COVID season. Also, it's our 10th year. We started in 2011 when most of us were in school. People are in this league that I hadn't even met in 2011. We've come a long way.

I'm happy to be a part of LOC only because of you nine.

Shotti, remember that giant fort we built in the basement of my Warwick house? It had fucking rooms. We put the fan on James and he froze all night.

Chris, nothing beats that first time going to a Pats game together. We had those foot signs and heckled Rex Ryan and then the Patriots got their asses beat.

Chantel, I still remember meeting you on the sidewalk outside Nate's parents' house during Abby's graduation party. I think I yelled something obscene at Nate and you both turned and I was like wow, yup, she's perfect for him.

Nate, remember the time you fell into the sacred waterfall in Japan? I'm pretty sure I pushed you in. Our lives have been blessed ever since.

Jared, some say that loyalty is the glue that binds a friendship. I say it was the spit on your blue jeans. When we met it was in gym class and I was nervous so my leg was shaking. You looked at me and I stopped and then you said "no, keep going, it feels good. It's like a massage." Essentially our first meeting was me massaging your butt with my nervousness. And we've been butt-massaging ever since.

Nick, I'm still waiting for the invitation to your wedding. I couldn't believe all this news coming out about Trump sabatoging the USPS, but then I thought back to how that invite is still lost in the mail and it all makes sense.

Pat, we've been friends for fifteen years and 150 pounds. The only thing that will last longer than our friendship is the post-production period of the YouTube video we shot in 2009 called "Whose Chair is This?"

Zach, through thick and thin. And by that I mean your thick beard and my thin hair. Zach changed my life the day he told me in the nicest way possible that I was an uptight little bitch. I'm still an uptight bitch, but I'm a self-aware uptight bitch now, and that makes all the difference.

Papa, you're my dad. So...I don't feel like we need to discuss a bonding moment. You birthed me.

So yeah, I love you guys. Can we still say "guys" in 2020? I've been more weary of using that lately, like it's sexist or something. I googled it, and it says that "guys" refers to people of either sex. But that's problematic because there aren't just two sexes anymore. Or is is that there are two sexes but there are many genders? Plus there is gender identity and gender roles. and sexual orientation. I don't know. No one is trans here right? Okay, fuck it, I love you guys.

As for the power rankings, sure, I have some. They aren't very well-researched and I didn't put a lot of creative thought into this. In fact, I decided since I'm working from home that I would write all of these as if I were compiling work emails.

## Week 1 Power Rankings - Passive Aggressive Work E-Mail Edition

### 1. Garoppoblow Me

* 2020 Projected Finish: 1st (10-3)
* 2019 Finish: 9th (6-7)

Hey Matt, this is Matt from the Commissioner's office. Hope all is well. I'm writing in regards to your lack of productivity over the last few years. It's our understanding that we've given you all the necessary tools to succeed, but your performance reviews consistantly turn up lackluster results. We're gong to need you to actually do something positive in the fanfiscaltasy year or we're letting you go.

Translation: You literally have three of the top five players in the league. You have to really fucking suck to not finish 1st this season.

### 2. Sweet Dee

* 2020 Projected Finish: 2nd (10-3)
* 2019 Finish: 7th (4-9)

Hi Dee, this is Matt writing from H.R. We understand you have a baby on the way. That's great news! Just so you know, you have a golden opportunity for advancement with our company and we'd hate for you to pass that up. You put yourself in a position to succeed, now grab that success by the fertile balls and run with it.

Translation: Dee has an amazing team, but the more preggers she gets the harder it may be to concentrate on managing a fantasy roster. We shall see how things progress.

### 3. The Stupid Idiots

* 2020 Projected Finish: 5th (8-5)
* 2019 Finish: 5th (6-7)

Hi you Stupid Idoit, hope you are having a good week. When we accepted you back at our company after the embezzlement scandle of 2012, we expected big things. And we have seen that. I just want to say keep up the good work. Oh, and also, we saw that you took down the "choking hazard" signs in the first floor lunchroom. The thing about that is they are required by OSHA, and we have those there for your safety. Please return those at your earliest convenience.

Translation: Stupid Idiots has put together another strong team in 2020, but they chocked in the playoffs last year and still have not proved they can take the next step.

### 4. Pain Train

* 2020 Projected Finish: 3rd (9-4)
* 2019 Finish: 2nd (9-4)

Hi Pain Train, this is Matt from health and safety. I understand that you were up for a huge pay raise two years in a row, and for two years you finished runner-up to another individual. This has no bearing on your application this season, and we want to ensure you that you will have a fair shake once again in 2020. Sometimes, it just isn't your time. Most importantly, we need you to stay safe and please take five big steps back from that ledge.

Translation: Losing back-to-back Glory Bowls can take a toll on a guy, just look at momma said after 2015. But last year is last year. It's time to start fresh.

### 5. RIPDab

* 2020 Projected Finish: 6th (6-7)
* 2019 Finish: 8th (5-8)

Hi RIPDab, this is Matt from Curse Control. It's come to our attention that this is an even year. As such, we are required by law to alert you that an Even Year Curse may be present in the work place. You do not need to take any action at this time, but it is important to report any suspicious curse-like activity, such as picking up a really shitty player for no reason, a potential season-ending injury to a star RB, or even a one-point loss to a winless team mid-way through the year.

Translation: No matter how good or bad Nate's draft may have been, it's still an even year and he's still cursed.

### 6. Paddock 9

* 2020 Projected Finish: 7th (5-8)
* 2019 Finish: 1st (6-7)

Hey P9, Matt from accounting. We've run the numbers and we can't seem to figure out how you were able to finish at the top of the sales charts in 2019. We didn't actually see you sell that many products. That's fine! Let's go ahead and see if we can replicate that performance in 2020 and then we will have a good sample size with which to judge your overall productivity with our company.

Translation: How a 6-7 team won the Glory Bowl is beyond me. Maybe Pat is just THAT good at working free agency. Let's see another great year from him to determine if the run was a fluke or the start of a dynasty.

### 7. Duck Punchers

* 2020 Projected Finish: 8th (4-9)
* 2019 Finish: 4th (10-3)

Hello Duck, Nice to hear from you. We'd love to consider you for a higher position. You have a strong resume, and your 2014 project portfolio was particularly strong. However, as previously stated, we are a project based business and the task forces you have assembled to complete said projects has been lackluster. Bringing back the same employees year after year and hoping for better results does not seem to be the right tactic. I hope I am wrong, because we really want the best for you.

Translation: Zach has the tendancy to reach for "his guys," and this year is no exception with players like Crowder, Renfrow, White, and Peterson. But if he hasn't won a championship in six years with "his guys," maybe it's time for new guys.

### 8. The Shotti Bunch

* 2020 Projected Finish: 10th (2-11)
* 2019 Finish: 3rd (9-4)

Good Morning Shotti, this is Matt from quality control. For years, we have seen you as a team leader, the face of the company, all that good stuff. Having your name on our brand has been a huge boon to sales. People want to be you. Excuse me, BEAT you. But recently the quality of your work has dipped and we're growing concerned that you may no longer be the right fit for a leadership role. We'd like to see more from you this quarter.

Translation: What kind of drug/alcohol-enduced coma was Shotti in when he did this draft? This team does not look good, but he's Shotti and has proven his might before, so it's hard to rank him 10th.

### 9. Papa's Posse

* 2020 Projected Finish: 9th (3-10)
* 2019 Finish: 10th (4-9)

Hi Papa, nice to be back in touch. Speaking of touch, you seem out of touch with the times. I did not see a single new hire on your team roster. I'm happy you are rewarding those who have been with the company longest by putting them to work on your newest venture, but let's keep in mind that YOUTH is the key to the market. Young blood. Young energy. Where is the enthusiasm? Where is the desire? Let's see some fire!

Translation: Papa did not do his research and instead went with familiar names in the draft. That's fine, but this tactic has not been useful in the past for teams going deep into the postseason.

### 10. ma ma momma said

* 2020 Projected Finish: 4th (8-5)
* 2019 Finish: 6th (6-7)

Momma, Please see attached spreadsheet for your approval. Thanks.

Translation: I'm still pissed at this below-.500 lookin' ass team from bouncing me last season. Yahoo may think they are going to have a good year, but I'm not ready to commit to that. Call it a grudge, call it a chip on the shoulder, call it whatever you want, just don't call it late for dinner. Anyone who wanted a new rivalry in the LOC, look no further. I'm out for blood.

## Week One Matchups

As has been the case for many seasons, the schedule was hand-crafted using an exacting formula designed to balance out the number of times we each play each other twice. The two nuances to the schedule are:

1. Pain Train got to choose his first three matchups due to winning the Survivor Contest in 2019.
2. Paddock 9 will go through the Gauntlet of the Gods to end his season, facing last year's runner-up followed by the 2011, 2012, 2014, 2017, and 2018 champions.

Let the games begin!

* Paddock 9 (1) vs. Duck Punchers (4)
* Pain Train (2) vs. The Shotti Bunch (3)
* Stupid Idiots (5) vs. RIPDab (8)
* ma ma momma said (6) vs. Garoppoblow Me (9)
* Sweet Dee (7) vs. Papa's Posse (10)

### Matchup of the Week

* Ma ma momma said vs. Garoppoblow Me
	+ These two teams have gone back and forth for years now, ever since the 2012 Glory Bowl. In recent seasons, they have faced off in week 13 with the winner advancing to playoffs and the loser going home (1-1 in those games). This season, they face off to start the year and again to end it. Those two games could make the difference between a bye spot or even a playoff spot yet again.

## Conclusion

So yeah, that's all I got folks. Let's have a good season.