2021 Easter Spectacular Featuring Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

"*Inspiring. It's like the season finale of Kung Fu: The Legend Continues.*"
—Mr. Lobo

Mr. Lobo is thrilled to be celebrating Easter, which he calls Jesus's 2nd Birthday. He's also a little confused about the movie he's hosting.

**Wrap 2**

After discovering that his movie, *Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny*, doesn't have anything to do with Easter, Mr. Lobo calls the legendary El Saint Santos for help. Saint Santos is busy cooking a ham. Mr. Lobo looks to Miss Mittens for help, asking her what movies she likes to watch for Jewish Easter, but Miss Mittens isn't any help either. To kill time waiting for an Easter miracle, Mr. Lobo decides to read an old movie magazine. He's delighted to find a free copy of classic Easter movie *Species* included! Easter is saved!

**Wrap 3**

This isn't 1995's Michael Madsen sci-fi blockbuster *Species!* Miss Mittens explains to a befuddled Mr. Lobo that it's actually *Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter*.

**Wrap 4**

Mr. Lobo explains that some issues of September, 2002's issue of Total Movie Magazine mistakenly included a DVD of *Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter* in place of the advertised *Species*. Suddenly there's a knock at the doorbell and it's Countess Bloodsugar with Mr. Lobo's Grabdash delivery! He coerces her into assisting with the Insomniac's Oath.

**Wrap 5**

Mr. Lobo sings us to commercial!

**Wrap 6**

The Easter Bunny's in the Void, and he brought candy! Unfortunately Mr. Lobo is an ingrate who criticizes all the candy at length while the Easter Bunny watches on helplessly.

**Wrap 7**

Mr. Lobo, with the help of Miss Mittens, susses out that Countess Bloodsugar is a vegetarian vampire, and that *Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter* is a lot like *The Matrix Reloaded*. Then Mr. Lobo waxes philosophical about theism.

**Wrap 8**

Mr. Lobo's opening more presents from the Easter Bunny, including a portable word processor (the Easter Bunny thinks Mr. Lobo's jokes could use a few more passes).

**Wrap 9**

Mr. Lobo and Miss Mittens are relaxing in the sauna with Mr. Lobo's new laptop. Uh oh!

**Wrap 10**

Mr. Lobo introduces another(?) installment of "Trivia About Cinema." This week's subject: ductwork realism!

**Wrap 11**

Mr. Lobo ends the episode with some colorful blasphemy, before the Easter Bunny notifies him that the movie isn't actually over. So Mr. Lobo segues into the Snack Bar segment! Mr. Lobo instructs us on the quite simple construction of decadent "Mr. Lobo's Easter Sundaes."

**Wrap 12**

Countess Bloodsugar's back, and she's modeling the official *Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter* hoodie! Available for purchase at http://www.teepublic.com/user/stevenlegge.

**Wrap 13**

Mr. Lobo is enjoying his Easter Sundae, and once again consults his reliable John Stanley's Creature Features Movie Guide, and it consults him back. RIGHT IN THE FACE! Mr. Lobo decides to move on to the data disc he got in his Easter basket, recapping our film's plot so far.

**Wrap 14**

Mr. Lobo's budding lactose intolerance leads him into a very brief epistemological crisis.

**Wrap 15**

Mr. Lobo introduces tonight's lucky Reel 7 Girl, Countess Bloodsugar! She's not really into it, but she goes off on a rant about "thespian" stereotypes.

**Wrap 16**

Mr. Lobo explains that what appeared to be Santo assaulting a woman was in fact a supernatural phenomenon called the "Gluteus Magneto-Maximoff" effect, which causes this woman's butt to be magnetic.citation needed

**Wrap 17**

Now Mr. Lobo's judging his Easter candy AND hipsters. That's the court's job, Mr. Lobo! Then he scats into an off-brand lightsaber.

**Wrap 18**

Insomniac Mail Sac time! Mr. Lobo got a Halloween birthday card for Easter!

**Wrap 19**

Mr. Lobo is still griping about his Easter candy (but he's right).

**Wrap 20**

The movie has literally kicked Mr. Lobo in the face.

**Wrap 21**

Mr. Lobo is channeling a radio disc jockey as he throws back to *Jesus Christ: Foo Fighter*!

**Wrap 22**

Miss Mittens once again has to open Mr. Lobo's eyes to modern culture (circa 2000), and he wonders, aloud, when dendrophiliacs will find acceptance.

**Wrap 23**

Mr. Lobo is finishing off his Easter candy, naming his birthday cake-flavored unicorn "Magical Sunshine Dream." And he's happy to throw back to the last reel of *Jesus Christ: Park Ranger*.

**Wrap 24**

Mr. Lobo is relieved for the movie to be over, but discovers that Kogarella is the Easter Bunny. Explain *that* to your kids!

### Ads

* **Cadbury's Creme Eggs** candy (bok bok!)
* **Sleazy Pictures After Dark** (on OSI 74)
* **"Rad" Abrams: Skate Board Attorney** (he'll even get you pills!)
* **Lord Blood-Rah's Nerve Wrackin' Theater**
* Plan 9 from Outer Space scenery backdrop swatch, with certificate of authenticity (available on the OSI store)
* **Midnight Frights** (on OSI 74)
* **Energizer** batteries, "Elvis"
* **Pop Culture Americana hosted by Buddha Gonzales** (on OSI 74)
* **Bizarre Transmissions from the Bermuda Triangle** (on OSI 74)
* **Hertz Rent-A-Car**, starring acquitted murderer OJ Simpson
* OSI 74, "ISOR"
* Mr. Lobo's Hypnosis for Hipsters audiodiscbooktape (available on the OSI store)
* Let's all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat!
* **Dr. Martens** footwear, "Airware"
* **12:01 Beyond** (on OSI 74)
* **Vance Capley's Spookshow** (on OSI 74)
* **7Up**, "Show Us Your Can"
* **Utopia Fantastika** (on OSI 74)
* **Pacific North Weird** (on OSI 74)
* **P.O.S.E.R. Professional Wrestling** (on OSI 74)
* **Here Lies** (on OSI 74)
* **Dudley** "Shake-an-Egg" Easter egg dye
* **Jesus Beer**
* Negativland, Bulldada Music Videos "Gimme Gimme Gimme, I Want Some More"
* **Coca-Cola**, "El Santo"
* **Trash Night** (on OSI 74)

### Trailers

* *Species* (1995)
* *Jesus Christ Superstar* (1973)
* *Mortal Kombat Annihilation* (1997)
* *Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill!* (2006)
* *Smash Cut* (2009)
* *Hot Knives* (2018)
* *Hamlet 2* (2009)
* *The Blues Brothers* (1980)
* *Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace* (2004)
* *And God Spoke* (2003)

### Shorts

* Mr. Lobo interviews *Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter* director, producer, and editor, Lee Gordon Demarbre

### Cast

* Mr. Lobo...Mr. Lobo
* Countess Bloodsugar...Jessie Seeherman
* El Santo...Aaron M. Lane
* St. Peter Cottontail...Kogarella
* Kogarella's Trainer...Dixie Dellamorto

### Quotes

"*Cinsomniacs, tonight's feature is badly dubbed; clearly Canadian; shot on 16 millimeter film on a budget of 25 gallons of maple syrup; is COMPLETELY blasphemous; has sloppy kung fu and absurd continuity; and just might challenge your faith.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Mr. Lobo tried being an atheist for a time, but, uh, then I thought, God must really HATE atheists! So now Mr. Lobo just believes in everything, just in case, just like Elvis.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog, adder's fork and blind worm's sting, lizard's leg and howlet's wing, for a charm of powerful trouble, like a hell-broth boil and bubble!*"
—Countess Bloodsugar
"*And now, back to tonight's Easter creature feature, taken from the Holy Bible's expanded universe: JESUS CHRIST! Vampire Hunter. In Bunny-O-Vision.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*♫ Jesus, this movie is rotting my brain! Can brawls on the beach with goth girls be explained? Jesus finds a barber and cuts off his beard! I know He's had piercings before but it's weird! He then sings an off-Broadway number off-key! A Sunday school pageant in sub-urban streets! Is there no relief from this silly attack? Cinema Insomnia will be right back! ♫*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Fred Flinstone? What're you doing, Fred? I mean Jesus won't be born for another million years, what are you even celebrating? Do you even know?*"
—Mr. Lobo (upon finding Flintstones-themed Easter candy)
"*And so endeth the story of our lord, Jesus of NASCAR. King of the juice. Slayer of draculars. He died for our sins on that rooftop, on the Friday of Easter weekend, at the start of the milennium. After lying there for six hours, He succumbed to His injuries, and was buried in a Canadian cave. So it is written in the book of Corinthian Pleather, chapter 13, Foreclosures. Amen.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Mr. Lobo remembers back in the '60s on the set of the old show, Insomniac Theater, Babs from the Front Desk slapped a gropey crew member's face so hard that he flipped into the next parallel dimension. He sits on his OWN hands, now.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*We learned a lot about each other today, haven't we, Cinsomniacs? We learned that love is love. Whether it's rabbit-chicken rainbow egg-making love, or vampire-major artery love, or, uh, consensual plant-horror host love; wrestlers who love wrestling, or thespians who love the performing arts. And of course, we love our friends who are LGBTQIA+. Heck, everyone's welcome! A through Z! And all the other letters that we haven't yet discovered on the spectrum. The important thing is to not be an asshole. Jesus reminds us in His teachings, that the geeks shall inherit the Earth. You can read more about Jesus Christ, El Santo, the Easter Bunny, and lesbians, in this book. It's called the Bible. And it's available wherever good books are sold.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Ook ook ook ook!*"
—The Easter Bunny

## Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

### Budget

100,000 CAD

1. ↑ https://osi74.square.site/product/plan-9-from-outer-space-scenery-backdrop/52?cp=true&sa=false&sbp=false&q=true
2. ↑ https://osi74.square.site/product/hypnosis-for-hipsters-cd/27