Buddy the Elf vs Howard Langston

***Buddy the Elf vs Howard Langston*** is an upcoming rap battle. It features the main character of the 2003 Christmas comedy *ELF*, Buddy the Elf, battling the protagonist of the 1996 Christmas comedy *Jingle All the Way*, Howard Langston.

## Lyrics

### Buddy the Elf

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town,

Parents fought hard so that their children wouldn't frown,

When they found a Turbo Man doll beneath the tree come morning,

All except for Howard Langston, who always left his family scorning!

Looking at the run down, you're an even more rotten father than mine is,

Breaking and entering, assault, bomb accessory, now that's a naughty list!

Raiding the kid's ball pit, impersonation, hit and run, geez! That's a lot!

But your worst offense is making Jamie be the boy that daddy Claus forgot!

### Howard Langston

Oh, come on, now. You want to start by listing off my transgressions,

When you pave wrongdoings with your well-meaning festive intentions?

Your mind's like your father's failed book, it's missing a few pages,

You should've figured you weren't an elf with the stark difference in ages!

I'll leave you Terminated when my Turbo Time engages,

And put a restraining order out to ban you from most public spaces!

Cause you're an incelf! Buddy, just go outside and touch some grass!

It took this goofy dude thirty years to get a piece of ass!

### Buddy the Elf

Mister Freeze, where is your wife? Cause I think I last saw her with Ted,

He'll be your number one customer when he tucks her into bed!

### Howard Langston

I won't stand here and take this from the worse Will Ferrell *Step Brother*,

Who let his bells *Jingle All the Way* when he showed them to his step mother!

### Buddy the Elf

Where's your Christmas spirit? Try cheering up with some carol singing!

You must think this battle's your son's karate classes, the way you keep missing!

My bars are rapid fire like they're snowballs! You're a slow procrastinator!

And your insults are a stretch, like my legs on an escalator!

Smiling's my favorite, you should help your son try it sometime,

Cause he can't remember the last time Christmas with you felt sublime!

I can't tell what you wreck worse: homes, cars, or your family tree!

While I sweetened my soured father, call me syrup on spaghetti!

*[Buddy began eating the aforementioned dish, letting out a few obnoxious moans from the taste, each interrupting Howard every time he tried to start his verse. Angered, Howard threw his hand down on the plate, dropping it from Buddy's hand and causing it to shatter on the ground, surprising the elf.]*

### Howard Langston

PUT THAT SPAGHETTI DOWN! ***NOW!***

*[Buddy looked down at the shattered plate of dessert pasta sadly, slurping up the last noodle hanging from his lips. Howard sighed before beginning his verse.]*

Your taste in rap lyrics is as Sin-bad as your taste in cups of coffee,

You're sitting on a throne of lies if you think you can stop me!

I've Twinned with Danny DeVito, you discriminate against Peter Dinklage,

North Pole raised, yet you didn't learn to not mock people's shrinkage!

I've got Lincoln Tunnel vision on my task, you get distracted by street gum!

How'd you manage to smash when you don't even know where babies come from?

You're no real elf, and there's also no real Santa Claus,

That truth'll pierce your heart like your face was by raccoon claws!

## Trivia

* This battle acts as a Christmas special.
* This battle was released two and a half years after *Colonel Mustang vs General Ironwood*, marking the longest time between two of Blake's rap battles.