Boston Cruncher

Boston Crunchers are a highly dangerous canine breed local to the northeastern united states. They are considered parastandard-class anomalous animals, meaning they possesses several qualities that do not obey the conventional laws of reality, but which still follow their own internal rulesets. Due to a similarly violent disposition, Boston Crunchers have been compared to Police Horses, albeit (generally) smaller, unregulated, less intelligent, and the result of distortions in the fabric of circumstance, rather than intense genetic alteration.

## History

Due to the societal and ecological pressures inherent in a post-1992 earth, the natural world struggled to retain a semblance of equilibrium in the face of the newly unnatural. Some vertebrates and invertebrates found themselves able to survive relatively unchanged, while others were forced or randomly chosen to take on parastandard or even nonstandard characteristics. While this has been well documented among humans and wild animals, less consider the ramifications of its effects on the fauna adapted to live within the "urban jungle". These animals face unique pressures from both the uncivilized and civilized ends of the spectrum, prompting accelerated mutation no less potent than their forest-dwelling brethren.

This kind of supernatural adaptation was evident in the New York Region. As early as 2004, stray dogs within the uptown parts of the city began evolving convergent characteristics; even very different breeds took on more similar body plans with each generation. Eventually the sprawling lineage of mutts became dominated by one single new type of dog resembling a mix between golden retriever and hyena. This new variant of stray was markedly hardier than its predecessors. While they rarely hunted humans, they formed large packs and were viciously protective of both food sources and their young. In reference to the breed's feisty behavior, it was officially named the Uptown Snapper.

In late 2021, the prizewinning French Bouchian Bulldog was imported to the US as a designer pet. This long-living, slow breeding dog was popular among the wealthy, but its expensive needs irked ambitious upper-middle class buyers. Seeking a workaround, a Boston laboratory bred Bouchian Bulldogs with Uptown Snappers in an effort to provide the former with the latter's vigor and expansive palate. Unfortunately, the hybrid animal proved almost uncontrollable and now roams the streets of its snapper ancestors, gradually outcompeting them and replacing their ranks with its own. By the end of 2024, the uptown snapper population is estimated to dwindle to less than 12.4% of its peak population.

## Behavior

The Boston Cruncher is a very unusual dog. It is in a continuous state of twitching, spasming, shaking, barking, and drooling, even at rest. The constant erratic oscillations of the breed are so severe that they cause erratic diffraction of light and a general Gaussian distortion that disrupts the quality of recording and photo equipment. This breed's movements are physically impossible without tearing its muscles and reducing its brain to slurry, yet the dog seems completely unaffected by this supernatural increase in speed and dexterity - none of which should come as a surprise, given its parastandard roots. Other animals tend to find the Boston Cruncher's movements very frightening, and they will often attempt to run if the dog approaches. This is a wise choice, as Boston Crunchers are highly aggressive and react violently to outsiders in their territory. On the offense, these dogs are savage adversaries with exceptional speed, alarming slipperiness, hearty appetite, and a knack for high-speed disemboweling. The only innate weakness of the species is that its favorite meal is other dogs, especially Boston Crunchers. This, along with their moderately slow breeding, prevents them from overpopulating even as they systematically devour other strays.

Perhaps a Boston Cruncher's most decidedly bizarre trait is its ability to instantly teleport between different positions, but this is considered to be a very low class of warping and only viable if certain criteria are met. First, the Boston Cruncher must have seen and marked the two areas as part of its turf. Then, both areas must become "Dark Spaces" - or place both unseen and unheard by sentient or sapient animals. If both conditions are true, the Boston Cruncher is able to seamlessly transfer from one area to the other as part of its patrol route. Due to the secretive nature of the warp, no one is certain what it looks like. Even unmanned recording equipment disrupts the dog's ability to exercise this feat.

Fortunately, Boston Cruncher attacks on locals are rare, as the dogs have terrible eyesight and no sense of stealth. Their mammalian roots are distant enough to make them resistant to physical harm, but not immune. Therefore, bullets and other weapons are still capable of killing Boston Crunchers provided they hit. Another quirk of their anomalous nature is that they possess very adaptable appetites. While normally voracious eaters, their metabolism can slow to a crawl when deprived of food. If given a bountiful supply of meat, a Cruncher simply converts the excess protein and calcium into more muscle and bone, gradually becoming a bigger dog over the course of their lifespan. There does not seem to be a limit to how large one can grow, and controlled laboratory settings have conjured positively elephantine specimens.

## Trivia

* The movement of a Boston Cruncher is sometimes likened to other dogs shaking themselves dry, only it's forever.
* Police Horses are one of the few animals that react to Boston Crunchers with equal aggression. In a fair fight between average sized members of the species, the police horse wins nearly 100% of the time. However, a Boston Cruncher of equal height has a major bulk advantage.
* Their relationship with Bonanos is predictably terrible.
* Boston Crunchers are dense dogs with very little fat and sink in large bodies of water, but take half an hour to drown.
* A laboratory in the Brooklyn area created a successful hybrid of Bouchian Bulldog and Uptown Snapper using only the recessive genes of each. The resulting creature - dubbed the Brooklyn Barker - is an interesting specimen for academic use, but is completely nonviable in the wild or as a pet.
* Boston Crunchers have terrible eyesight because they have no eyes. That's another fucked up thing, because you'd think they'd have *no* eyesight, and you'd be wrong.