Prologue-3 (2)

## Wusband and Hife

If anyone messed up this perfect day, they would be fishking throttled. It was a sunny day in Landysandia, as it always is.

Behind the glamorous sandstone palace, was a gazebo, sitting in the sand, and several dozen guests waiting for something to happen.

For Snake, they were feeling fabulous in their dried piss garment. For Pcab, in her eye-catching suit of dried glilk, she felt exhilarated .

Nothing would dare ruin the occasion. Muscle Man would *not* return today, and Sandy Boy would *not* be revived. If anyone tried to ruin the occasion they would be throttled.

The guests knew that well enough. They sat quietly in their chairs spread out over the sand, not daring to trip the gride as she walked up the aisle.

Granny Boy pranced up in front of the gride and broom, a basket of sand dangling from his arm. A few grains sprinkled down on the ground from cracks and holes in the basket. The few particles were lost to the already sand covered ground.

He threw pinches of the glimmering golden sand onto the tarp laid out as an aisle. All of the little girls in the kingdom were too scared to be the flower girl, and flowers were quite rare in Landysandia anyway. Granny returned to his seat with the guests.

Things were already going bad. Ily, the singer, was nowhere to be seen.

“All guests stand as you see fit,” Wörm said. “The Gride and Broom are here!”

Everyone in the audience hastily stands.

As Granny boy prepared the path with a sprinkling of sand, Snake and Pcab proceeded up to the altar, where Wörm, the officiant, was waiting.

A line of gridesmaids and broomsmen make their way down the aisle behind them. Leo and Isaac, Octangula and Rainy. There is a polite spatter of clapping.

Wörm smiled wörmily at everyone. “Hello everyone! Please sit down if you are still standing.” *looks around.*  “We are gathered today for the union of Pisscabinet Urethrenapyroglemate'' (insert wörm struggling with the pronunciation) “and Snakadamia Tallyhall.”

Everyone sat down again.

A random sinkhole opened up in the sand, and Wörm was instantly sucked in.

There was an awkward silence.

“Would Octa uh- like to continue the ceremony?” Rainy suggested.

Wörm’s head popped up from the sand. “You can continue i gotta go” she said, and disappeared.

Octa hesitantly jumped up onto the altar.

“Uh-” He picked up Worm’s papers and began reading.

“Marriage is the legal union of a pair. Marriage gets weathered and tested, but in a true relationship, it remains standing, I guess. Pcab and Snake’s marriage probably isn’t legal but y’know. It’s love. Do your vows, please, I’m struggling.”

“I, Snek Tallyhall, promise to be your lover, friend, and companion. I promise that I will not leave my shedding on the floor. I say ‘I do’, and that means I will. I vow to swear with you, do crime with you, and I gladly bonk with you. I promise to vibe with you in the vc. I pledge to take care of you like Octangula takes care of your dead body when we play amogus. I pledge to not procrastinate on loving you like I procrastinated on writing these vows. I will always provide you with the belly fat of cheating sandy Sblack Barts. I will be as in love with you as I am drunk. I pledge to take care of our four definitely legally adopted children. I will let you kick over children at the orphanage because I respect you and your wishes. I will hold you at night so we don’t sink into the sand mattresses. Urine Shelving, my beloved, I will love you as long as you shall live. (which isn’t long compared to me B) )”
There was some clapping and crying.
Now Pcab read her vows.

“I wrote all this stuff last minute like the procrastinator I am, so here I go. The first time I met you, I decided yeah dude that's hot. You’re my boss which is kinda awkward. In the bonking industry, the bonker is the one who bonks. But I, as a bonker, would gladly be bonked by you because damn you’re hot, your neon pisscara brigthens my day like the sun. When I was literally eating Sandy Boy with you (sorry that you had to find out like this granny)” Granny *gasped* and fainted. “I also decided that indeed you were hot, again, I need to be bonked. Which is questionable but perhaps me and very dead Sandy have more in common then I thought. Today we are getting married and here I am, saying my vows and getting married to a snake demon. The only place I will eat organs is in the kitchen or dining area. I will respect your wishes even if I'm an asshole, because just because I'm an asshole doesn’t mean I'm that much of an asshole. I will always love you and will stand with you no matter what kind of person/demon you become.” There was more clapping, some cheering ensued.
Aw that’s beautiful,” Octa commented, and continued. “Anyways, I shall now continue the ceremony because those two have finally shut up.”
“Before Srainbow, your friends, and your families, so basically all of us, I ask you two to affirm your willingness to enter th,,e... okay these words are big. Like, are you gonna go well in this marriage? Get through the hard shit? Probably. Good for you.”

The guests were understandably shocked.

“And now, the moment we’ve been waiting for; Pisscabinet, do you take Snakadamia as your lawfully wedded wusband? Do you promise to cherish Snake, to love them, to comfort them, and honor them in sickness and health as long as you both live?”

“I do,” Pcab confidently declared.

“Snakadamia, do you take Pisscabinet as your lawfully wedded hife? Do you promise to cherish her, to love them, to comfort them and like the exact same stuff as I said for Pcab as long as you both live?” Octangula added.

“I do,” Snake said.

There was clapping.

“Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.” Octa paused for a moment.

Silence.

“...we good? Okay cool.”

“Okay now you repeat after me: “I honor you with this ring as a sign of my love, as a token of my gratitude, and to show my respect for you. This day, I take *insert other’s name here* as my hife/wusband. I will forever walk/slither by you as your best friend and soulmate. *name* my beloved, I’m proud to marry you. I will be there to support you and your dreams and be there for you always.”

“I honor you with this ring as a sign of my love, as a token of my gratitude, and to show my respect for you. Today, I take Pisscabinet as my hife. I will forever slither by you as your best friend and soulmate. Pisscabinet my beloved, I’m proud to marry you. I will be there to support you and your dreams and be there for you always.” Snake said.

“I honor you with this ring as a sign of my love, as a token of my gratitude, and to show my respect for you. Today, I take snake as my wusband. I will forever walk by you as your best friend and soulmate. Snake my beloved, I’m proud to marry you. I will be there to support you and your dreams and be there for you always.” Pcab said.

The guests tensed. The ceremony was almost over.

“Swhite, give them the rings,” Octa requested.

Swhite Polet, sitting in the first row, slid Granny’s head off his lap (he was still unconscious rip) and ran up to the altar with a red pillow. He handed Snake and Pcab rings in turn, both of them customized (pcab’s ring was shaped like a snake).

“You may kiss the gride!”

\*kiss\*

“Aw that’s sweet,” Octangula commented, as the guests began standing up and clapping (damn they clap a ton)

“And by the power vested in me, the power I just stole, I now pronounce you wusband and hife!” Octangula declared.

The guests erupted into cheers and applause. Sgrey released a cool heart locket kite and a random snake was wiping his eyes with his tail. (can snakes cry? I don’t know).

“Now if you’ll follow us to the reception,” Octa said.

The newlyweds walked down the aisle hand in hand. A servant handed Pcab a bouquet of rare flowers, and Pcab (not exactly) blindly tossed it behind her.

The gridesmaids and broomsmen behind her saw the bouquet spinning through the air in their direction. Pcab was probably supposed to throw it at the guests but oh well.

Rainy, as the maid of honor, walked right behind Pcab as they proceeded. They saw it coming right at them, and swiftly caught the bouquet in one hand.

“For you,” xe said rOmAnTiCaLlY, handing it to Octa.

“**Oh damn.**" Octa answered. “Anyway, THANKS FOR COMING TO PCAB AND SNAKE’S WEDDING WOO!”
“We now have to watch them bang,” Leo ‘joked’ as the wedding party was led to the s n a c k s.
“Leo, we already fucked on a tipped over chair the other day not my fault you missed it,” Snake remarked.

“SNAKE” Pcab warned.

“I had to close my eyes, and I’m scarred for life,” Octa said.

Snake was unamused. “Shut the fishk up before I remove your kneecaps. We have to get to Mt. Everest for honeymooning.”

And then they left to ṗӕȑţẙ.

Snake was feeling very happy as they slithered along holding hands with Pcab.

They slithered past Granny, who was still passed out on his cHaIr, using Swhite’s chair as his pillow.

Snake took their snɐke hand and *s l a p p e d*  him across the cheek. His eyes opened, saw Snake, something happened i don’t know how to write help me

Granny felt around him in a half-asleep manner, and when he realized he was touching a plastic chair and not hIs bElӧӦbED sWhItE, he went back to sleep.

The guests were led out of the sand gazebo to a platform just next to the Sand Castle, with a giant overhang to keep cool in the shade. A huge cloth was stretched over the platform like a tent thing because I forget what those are called.

A piss-colored cake with glilk drips and about 30 thousand layers sat as the centerpiece on the tAbLe that was in the middle of the setup. It had a Pcab figure on the top, and a snake winding up from the bottom to join Pcab.

Snake magically pulled out a bottle of whisky, and chugged the whole thing. Leo sat in the corner and sipped coffee as everyone went crazy.

A hole appeared in the sand, and Worm rose from the sand below, accompanied with a green-haired man with bloodshot eyes. Ily randomly appeared from the ground with an orangutan.

“IM BACK MFS” she screamed.

Generally, everything was chaotic.

The green man lit a lighter and pulled out some herbs from his back pocket. He lit them on fire, and stuck the other end, that wasn’t on fire, in his mouth.

Ily grabbed a handful of that herb from her own pockets and sprinkled it over the tAbLes. Snake ran back inside for more whisky while Ily’s orangutan rolled around in the sand and tried to shove it in its nose.

“Smart monke,” Worm said drowsily, the fumes of the herb clearly getting to her. She grabbed the green man by the arm and dragged him over. “Hit me up Sgreen, give me the stuff.”

“You really got no stamina,” he commented, and shoved handfuls of “herb” in her hands.

Worm crawled over to the orangutan and began chewing on the leaves while trying to snort the sand.

“Mom, pick me up I’m scared,” Rainy said, holding Octa’s arm and carefully trying to navigate around everyone.

Pcab ran over to Snake, who was coming out of the cellar lugging a giant case of whisky.

“Fuck yeah,” she said, and digging out the packets of “special dust” between the bottles.

Snake took another shot of whisky. Leo got arrested or something. Worm and the orangutan were taking shots of whisky. Ily was throwing more monkes around the place and Pcab pulled a bottle of pure vodka out of the cooler.

Pcab scooped some red and yellow pills from the bottom of the cooler. Worm ran over and grabbed some. And because they were so fucking drunk they just swallowed them raw. Everyone was either drinking or snorting drugs while “Shots Shots” was blasting in the background.

Worm grabbed a glass of champagne from the tables and emptied it into a water gun she found on the roof.

“This is not a warning, fishking monke,” she screeched, and blasted the orangutans in the face with various alcoholic drinks.

Meanwhile at the outdoor bar the bartender they had hired to serve everyone had left crying, clearly overwhelmed with the amount of orders they were getting. Which was a slight mistake because everyone had crawled over the table and were chugging entire bottles of Whisky, Vodka, Rum, Gin, and Blue Courisal. (The juice laid forgotten) It was whispered that Pcab did nearly 600 shots and still wasn’t drunk fishking legend. Snake did 666, and the rest of the guests did over 800. And Jack Danials whiskey was out of business.

Meanwhile over at the black shaded tables everyone was smoking weed, snorting crack, Taking heroin, or eating random pills with some vodka while Ily sang “My heart will go on '' while she danced with a monke. The other people they hired already passed out, they were too weak for our Big Drug energy B).

The party lasted all night and everyone crashed in the morning. Snake and Pcab left for their honeymoon In Mount. Everest and Snake fell 34 times and broke there entire lower body trying to ski.

Wörm found herself engulfed in a wave of sand that felt like a whirlpool, trying to suck her in.

Could she officiate *just a single wedding* in peace?

A tide of gritty grains shoved Wörm’s worm head under the surface. It was suffocating. The amount of tiny little particles that were trying to latch onto her, and close in.

And then the sand got cool.

No, not B) level cool, but the sand was softer, and less SEARINGLY HOT LIKE THE WHOLE OF LANDYSANDIA. It’s hard to be a wörm in the desert.

Wörm, uh, *squwörmed.* I don’t know it’s been years and I can’t be expected to remember. Wörm did something to escape and it worked for a second.

The sand seemed to recoil, and her head was shoved into the open air.

“You can continue i gotta go” she said, and was immediately absorbed back into the sand.

Wörm sank through the layers of sand, the sand getting wetter and cooler as it got deeper. She was all of a sudden emptied into a hidden cave, 15 feet below the surface. She fell on a hard, rocky surface and ow.

“Hello there,” a deep voice boomed, from somewhere in the darkness. The only lightsource was a candle placed on a rock to Wörm’s left.

“General Kenobi,” Wörm answered. “Turn off your voice changer, bitch, and show your cowardly face.”

A blue figure stepped out from the shadows. It was actually pretty anticlimactic, because they were quite short.

The person, no, Wumpus, approached Wörm.

“Do you know why you’re here?” he asked. His voice boomed obnoxiously loud. He felt around the pockets of his  k H a K i S, and pulled out a cartoony silver remote with a random antennae and a giant, cherry-red button in the center. He pressed it.

“No fishking clue, your lonely ass wanted company? You needed a sacrifice? Wrong person?” Wörm said.

The wumpus frowned. “Hmm. You don’t know me? Did you not get my message?” His voice was laughably high and wumpus-y. He paced the small lit area in front of Wörm.

Wörm saw the tattered grey Landysandian Delivery uniform the Wumpus wore. His frayed embroidered name tag read NQN. This wumpus was a mail and package deliverer at some point.

“Maybe I would’ve gotten it if LSD wasn’t so slow,” Wörm commented. Emails do not exist and Wörm would’ve had a ton of email addresses anyway.

NQN sighed. He trotted back into the dark part of the cave and came back to the light along a green-haired man that could barely stand upright or walk. (Whether that was because he was drunk, someone fucked him too hard, or he had a back injury Wörm could not tell).

“I hope this pig speaks your language,” he  s Ni FfE d  disdainfully.

“Wumpi basically look like pigs farting teardrops,” Wörm replied, and dragged Sgreen over, patting his pockets for  d r m u gs. He smiled in a lopsided way and began shoveling products out of his coat and into Wörm’s lap (yes Wörm is a human now).

“Sgreen, my old friend, what are you doing here?” she asked him. “How’s business?” Sgreen shrugged and ate some drumgs.

“Pretty much the same, but I got this new customer online, he goes by xtAUtglutEs123, he’s cool and buys lots of stuff. Tells me to throw it down to his prison cell.”

Wörm nodded and sifted through the various drmugs he had dumped on her. “That’s nice, I guess.”

She lit a stick of soilk and put it in her mouth, and finally asked NQN, “So, why *am* I here, then?”

“Because Snake’s possessing you, and I also want to possess you,” NQN stated simply.

“That’s penky,” Wörm snickered. “**ṗöȘšȅⓈⱾ ℳɘ, ĐAⓓⅅ𝕪.”** Sgreen feigned fainting on the floor, and began laughing like the crackhead he is.

“What the actual fuck?” NQN yelled. “Well, maybe bringing in the *rude* ‘family friend’ wasn’t the best idea.” He paced around the candle in the middle of the cave. “Maybe.. I could just… *take the violent daughter instead*.”

“You pigs are of no use to me anymore,” he huffed, and with a flick of his hoof thing, he sent Sgreen and Wörm barreling through the sand above them, back to the wedding where the reception was just starting.

In the morning of the next day, Snake and Pcab were ready to leave for their honeymoon on Mt. Everest. They had their bags packed, gear ready.

Snake woke up to find a giant jet sitting on the sand outside the bedroom window.

“The fishk is that, and where did you get it?” Snake asked.

“It’s a Boeing 4047, I stole it from the local airport,” Pcab replied.

“We don’t have an airport-” Snake started, but decided to not press further. They greatly appreciated their hife’s efforts.

Pcab and Snake stepped outside. It was windy, but they didn’t care because they were leaving today anyway. Goodbye mfs, enjoy the sandstorm. Hopefully Oct could take care of the kingdom today. Maybe it would be pressing it too far to hope that drunk Ily didn’t raid the zoo and let Leo give every last orangutan AIDS. But yeah, it would be cool if that could be avoided in the week they were gone.

“æ” Pcab said, running to the plane as Snake slithered along, leaving long tracks in the sand. The wind blew over the marks, leaving a sloppy mess of disturbed sand. Pcab got to the plane first.

The door of the plane slid open and a set of stairs came out.

“How the fishk am I going to ski?” Snake said, as Pcab tugged them up the stairs (snake has no legs).

“We’re gonna do a my little mermaid or something idk” Pcab shrugged and answered.

“It would also be cool if we got back before my noodle dragons die of starvation,” Snake added. Pcab nodded. Noodles were a top priority. She entered the cOcKpIt to throttle the pilot.

There was a sleeping person duct taped to the pilot’s seat of the plane.

“Wake up, mf” Pcab demanded, and *s l a p p e d* the pilot the way Snake did (very romantic).

No response.

“I’m talking to you, bitch,” and Pcab *s l a p p e d*  the pilot again. S l a p. ***S l a p   a g a i n. S l a p.***

He jolted awake, saw Pcab, realized he was strapped to a çhæïr, and screamed. Pcab felt good. Screaming was like heavenly music. Her third favorite hobby was scaring inferiors.

Snake rolled their eyes and ripped the tape off. “Get up and do the thing.” They tilted the pilot’s chair back and released it, so it wobbled a bit.

The pilot scrambled up and gestured for Pcab and Snake to take a seat. He pulled a lever and the stairs collapsed, and the door slid shut. Snake Ś ᒑ i ₸ h ë r ě đ to find a seat with ꟼ c ɐ ẞ.

“Please buckle your seatbelts or you will personally be punted off,” a disembodied female voice rang out, “and you will also be dead. Have a nice flight! We probably do not have snacks so stop asking.”

“This is epic :aomg:” Snake said, grinning. There was absolutely no one else on the plane except for the pilot, who was bound to do anything they said (it’s called blackmail).

Pcab opened her backpack. She unzipped the side pocket and dumped about 30 packets of dried glilk cakes on the floor. Some had toppings like chocolate or honey. Some were ắℒçöĦööÎïç. mMmmMMmMmMMmmm.

As the plane took off and the pilot checked to see that Pcab wasn’t holding a knife to his dog’s neck, they waved Landysandia goodbye (temporarily).

The plane descended in a small, secluded airport 13 hours later. Glilk cake packets littered the area around the seats, and Pcab and Snake ate basically all of the snacks they brought.

Now, with considerably lighter bags, they stepped into the mountains of Flavortown (hasn’t been founded yet but it’s the general area).

“So do you know how to ski,”

“I’m a fishking snake of course i don’t”

“Then today, week, uh, time period is your lucky day,” Pcab said.

They hobbled off under their (still heavy) backpacks to the bottom of the hill, waving wildly until an electric blue taxi shot down the hill to greet them.

Pcab hoisted Snake’s coils off the path and shoved them into the taxi as they yelled curses. With a smirk, Pcab scooted in next to them with their stuff. Snake gave her a look. They unzipped their backpack and rummaged around with their snaeky hands. Snaekrer pulled out a big hunk of gold, and tossed it at the big beefy man sitting in the driver’s seat. He eyed it greedily, and jammed his keys in the designated place, not his asshole. The taxi spluttered and the engine growled to life.

“We really have not planned this out,” Pcab remarked, as the taxi raced over the bumps and ridges in the mountain path. “All I did was kidnap a pilot and bring some snacks. I even forgot you don’t have legs.”

Snake sighed. “We’ll just go on our honeymoon and try not to die. That’s all I ask for.”

Pcab grinned at her wusband. “Oh, Your Majesty, I’m dying,” she started, the lowering her voice, “[redacted]”

Snakerwe snorted softly. “There better be a good fucking-chair in our hotel room. Or else I will pull a Sblack.”

There was an long awkward silence as they both thought about fucking chairs and the dead Sblack.

“I’d love to burn some bitches,” Pcab said finally.

Right as Snake opened their snakey mouth to respond, the taxi lurched to a stop and Snake’s face hit the back of the driver’s seat. They fell out of their seat and Pcab laughed at the smudge of piss-yellow mAsCaRa on the headrest.

“Looks like someone forgot to put on their seatbelt,” she teased. “Or the stuff you put on to keep makeup in place.”

“First, that’s rich coming from you,” Snake grumbled in response from the floor. “And secondly, that sblackbart doesn’t stick to my scales.” They hauled themselves onto the carseat and “kicked” the door open with their tail aGgReSsIvEly. They slithered onto the snow-dusted dirt and turned around to look at Pcab, who closed the door. The taxi kicked up a cloud of white dust that wasn’t cocaine, before speeding off into the distance.

“If I had known the ride would be so short, I would’ve slithered here myself,” Snake said.

Pcab glanced around at the signs surrounding the clearing they stood in. They pointed at the base of the mountain, the town where the ski resort was, and the local attraction, the world’s horniest knee.

“We’re about 50 miles away from the starting point,” she realized. “So we would’ve been walking for almost a day, and you would probably have to give me a snaky back ride.”

“Are you challenging my sheer power and śᴩȅᴇȡ?” Snake questioned, plucking Pcab off the ground like she was a misbehaving toddler and carrying her down the path bridal-style. “I am a fucking snake. I fuck, and I do whatever I fucking want. Not to mention, I am also immortal.”

Snake winded down the path to the lights shining in the town just ahead, with their hife still in their arms. Pcab looked down at where Snake’s knees would be if they had legs. She wondered how horn-covered they would be. Probably more than the one the locals here boasted of.

“Where the fishk is our hotel?” Pcab m*gr*oaned. She dragged herself down the sidewalk next to Snake, who looked equally pissed. “It’s not like we could even ask for directions. This place is about as populated as Wyoming.”

“We wouldn’t be able to get a room even if we booked one,” Snake said. “There’s nothing here except for sports shops and dead cats. They probably never get tourists.”

“Well we are FISHKING ROYALTY, Sanke,” Pcab (said synonym)ed. “THEY BETTER GIVE US A PLACE TO STAY.”

“Let’s just break into someone’s house and hope they don’t mind, then,” Snake replied as they turned a corner and| boom something happens that i haven’t figured out | arrived at a giant hotel somehow made of ice i dk

“That’s convenient,” Snake commented, and slithered through that big spinny door thing.

“If their chairs are made of ice too, we’re going to get stuck on it while fucking,” Pcab muttered, but she followed snkfnsdkae inside.

The hotel’s lobby was, thankfully, not a big drippy chamber of ice. So that was cool for Snakw and Pcab. Pcab marched to the front desk, and said, “give me a room or i’ll stab you.” The receptionist shrugged and slid a card over to Pcab. “Enjoy your stay, room 69.”

“That was easy,” Snake commented, and slithered to the elevator on their left because Snake can’t climb stairs. They pressed the up arrow, and the doors slid open. Thankfully no one was inside because Pcab would’ve eaten them. Snake grabbed Pcab in their tail, shoved them in first, and squeezed into the very smol elevator. Pcab wriggled free from Snake and pressed another button to close the doors.

“6th floor,” she muttered, and so they went to the 6th floor. The elevator music came on (insert song and some stuff).

The elevator dinged and Pcab sLamEMMed into the doors, growling “Just fucking open, I’m tired,” until Sanke pressed the open button with the tip of their tail and Pcab tumbled out onto the floor. “eyy fuck u”

ah shit

Basically yeah time skip next day woo

It was on this snowy morning Pcab and Snake had planned to go skiing. Two days after their wedding, feeling fresh after four hours of sleep and an hour of chairfucking, they were ready to go. But first they gotta go get breakfast ya know?

Pcab squinted at the clock on the nightstand through her sleepy haze. The blurry glowing numbers wavered for a second as Pcab wrinkled her nose.

“Oh shit, it’s 9 already,” Pcab mumbled. She threw off the reindeer-patterned covers and shook Snake violently. “Time to get up.”

The top 7 feet of Snake’s body that was laid across the bed shifted in annoyance.

“wh it’s 7—” they started, but then they glanced at the clock Pcab had shoved in their face.

“Fishk, we’re late.”

Pcab put on some winter clothes and Snake just stood there naked because they’re a snake and don’t need to wear clothes.

Snake jerked the door open with their tail and bowed in the general direction of where Pcab was, hopping on one foot, trying to put sandals on in the middle of winter.

“After you, bitch.”

Pcab stepped forward, the buckle on her sandal still undone and curtsied sloppily. She exchanged a grin with her wusband.

“Thanks, hoe. /j” she replied.

“Did you just slash j me? Verbally?” Snake asked teasingly.

“Fuck. That’s more of a written thing,” Pcab cursed. “Pretend I didn’t say that.”

She stepped out the door carefully, putting her feet in the center of each tile, avoiding the cracks. Snake slithered past her, gliding across the tiles and the cracks in between. They paused in front of the elevator and pressed the down button, looking back and waiting for Pcab, who hastily started hopping between the tiles faster.

When she landed wobbly on the very last tile,  the doors already open and waiting for them, she followed Snake into the elevator. The elevator was already small enough without the coils of Snake filling up the floorspace. Pcab squeezed in and closed the doors.

She patted a section of the sanke on the floor as Snake reached for the lobby button.

“I’m going to sit here,” she said. “As you don’t have a built-in lap.”

“Okay” Snake said.

And then they began furiously making out on the elevator.

And not six seconds later, the elevator bell dinged softly as a maid with a cleaning cart entered the elevator. She took one look at the rulers of Landysandia making out in an elevator, oblivious of her presence, and left.

Breakfast was somewhat enjoyable.

(that’s questionable -Pcab)

“Here’s your coffee,” the waiter stammered, setting a steaming pot of dark liquid on the table. A drop splashed onto his shaking hands and he exhaled sharply. “I uh- enjoy your meal.”

So yeah. Snake and Pcab went downstairs to get free breakfast at the hotel. It was very tasty and there was pumpkin pie and waffles and toast and lots of other stuff. It was all very nice and chilly and the waiter was kinda hot but snake and pcab are the ones for each other they didn’t get the hormies for the waiter who’s actually gay because most of the lore characters are not straight. I really do not have the motivation to write this out because I’m panicking about school and things but I hope you can imagine this scene & enjoy it.

Unlike the hotel, Snake and Pcab had no trouble finding the ski resort. The entire town was built only around their famous ski resort. And the neighboring town to the east was built around the world’s horniest knee.

It was two streets away from the hotel, a big wooden building looming over the snowy slopes.

“That tree looks like a dick,” Pcab noticed, pointing to a tall evergreen next to the ski resort.

Snake glided over the hill and stared long and hard at the tree.

“Shit, you’re right,” they replied. “It looks like a 20 INCH SCIM COCK MONSTER COCK, even.”

Pcab trudged through the slushy snow to catch up to Snake.

“That’s ONE BIG COCK.”

Snake smirk cat at Pcab and grabbed her hand, lugging her up the hill.

“Perhaps.” They twirled Pcab around and set her in front of the big double doors at the top.

“We didn’t bring any skiing stuff,” Pcab noticed very helpfully.

## Some Monarchy Bullsblackbart

About 6.9 years later...

Ily was walking along the hallways of the Sand Castle as she usually does. Definitely doing nothing sus. Before bumping into Octangula because yeah why the fishk not. Big yikes for Oct because ily is a slight douche and they pretty much vhy for the throne all day.

Oct and Ily often competed in petty little competitions for the throne. As their adoptive brother, Isaac, is a literal fishking dinosaur and can’t even sit on the throne and needs a custom chair at dinner parties, and Tim is pretty much never seen ever, it was pretty much down to Oct and Ily.

Anyways, as Ily was not-so-casually waltzing down the white-gold corridors of the second floor, she just so happened to bump into Oct. Probably on purpose but yeah.

Ily, like her former brother-in-law, is a maniac.

As iLy happened to bump into Oct, causing him to trip, she pulled out a key that was around her neck (the aot one). Oct landed face first on the floor (maybe he wasn’t paying attention? I don’t know)

Because Ily is violent, crazy, and hearing voices, she decided that she should stab Oct with her key. She plunged the sharp end into Oct’s back, feeling the skin break under her hands, the swift, slicing motion like cutting through water.

Ily heard the roar of Landysandian citizens cheering in her ears as she kicked over Oct’s body and picked up the crown, the cheering that was in pace with Oct’s startled and horrified screaming, it clanged in her skull, with the echoes of her crimes, the people cheering in her head turning into Oct’s screaming, her own screaming as Leo picked up a pen- the people dissolving into an *inky* black pool. haha puns yay.

A dark red vision of a crown being lifted onto her head, Octangula, Isaac, Tim, and her adopted parents lying dead on the floor, their necks twisted and broken, the blood seeping from their bodies turning into a red carpet under her feet, under her rule. The crown fell from her brow and shattered on the floor, the obsidian-black jewels glinting malevolently at her, before transforming into shiny beetles that scuttled up her legs and engulfed her, they crawled over her and under her skin, tiny legs pricking her arms, tunneling into her ears and whispering, “You need to do it. Finish him off, and the kingdom is yours.” They pressed the golden shards of the crown into her crimson-stained palm, transforming it into her key. Oct, apparently alive, lifted his head from the floor. His face was expressionless and his eyes were huge, twitching black beetles. A trickle of blood ran from his lips, but it was an unsettling shade of iridescent navy blue. He tilted his head  rasped in a deep, booming voice that wasn’t his, “Put me out of this misery, sister.”

Ily brutally tore a gash in Octs upper back with the prongs, another satisfyingly anguished scream escaping Oct’s lungs. He hacked a dry cough and blood bubbled in his mouth.  Ily felt a rush of something beyond excitement, but a crazed malice, ily’s going insane again the feel of someone’s skin opening like a zipper beneath her powerful hands. Her brother went limp on the floor, unmoving, unspeaking. Ily conveniently dislocates one of Oct’s shoulders, causing his collarbone to fracture. Shards of bone poked through his skin. And then iLy takes it a step farther by stabbing repeatedly. (Sorry Oct) She was in a whirlwind of tiny droplets of blood, it was sticky on her hands and crusted on her shoes, it was damp in her hair and splattered on her clothes. A swarm of those horrible, pitch-black beetles scuttled from the stab wounds that were darkening Oct's shirt, they poured out of all the holes and gashes on his body, they were flowing out of his eyes and mouth and wounds, they crawled on her hands and guided them to the right spot, urging her, *Aim for the major arteries*. *Dig his spine out. Don’t be a coward.*

The golden key went in and out of Oct’s back in a rocking motion. It tore through leaving deep, jagged wounds. Red splattered her hands but she didn’t mind. Her vision was dyed red and all she could see was violence. By the end of Ilys rampage the marble walls were an abstract crimson painting, leaving Octa’s very limp and 92% dead body on the floor, blood pooling, and seeping into the cracks of the tiles. With a satisfied nod, Ily put the key down and rolled the body over.

Ily shook her head and opened her eyes. Her vision faded back to normal from red, everything feeling blue-tinted. She was kneeling on the floor, and her knees felt wet with something warm and a bit sticky.

Ily looked down at her hands. Where they weren’t slick with blood, they were indented with the shape of a key. What? Ily looked around. She was seemingly alone, and there was no one else in the wide hallway. There were no sinister black dots crawling over her arms and on the walls. Her arms, other than being covered with blood that didn’t seem like her own, were untouched and free of bites and puncture marks. But the blood-

Ily saw Octangula, lying still on the floor, his blood pooling around him. The beetles weren’t real. Octa was. And she had killed him. She slowly sank to the floor and put her hands over her head. *Oh no. Oh no. What have I done?*

Suddenly realizing the gravity of the situation, Ily quickly took off her shoes, picked them up, and ran away from the crime scene. She looked around, saw a bonking bat closet, and dived in. Like the dumbass she is she left the key there. Oct was slowly dying, losing more blood, their death o meter had gone up to 95%, which was getting kinda problematic cause yeah, he’s fishking 95% dead.

Isaac was just walking around, trying to cause the least amount of noise possible, but it's kinda impossible because HE’S A FISHKING DINOSAUR. After iLy broke his glasses in a fit of rage, the poor dino was left nearly blind. Isaac could only see things very, very far away (cough he saw Octangulaava coming miles away) He needed glasses to see and at the moment, he didn’t have them.

And then he conveniently stepped in a puddle of blood. Blood was rather normal in Landysandia because his mom was a cannibal. Something was off though, because usually only the dining floors even had any blood on them, and even then the servants did a great job cleaning everything up.

Isaac definitely felt that something was off. For one, there was a reek of blood. He as a dinosaur could smell a dotted, faint trail of blood sneaking down the hall. He was sure that was not something Pcab would do: his mother would rather lick the blood up than leave such a mess.

For another, he could feel there was a random metal thing, like a key, in the puddle, just bathing there.

Isaac was very concerned. Someone might slip in this blood! There wasn’t much but this was a serious safety hazard. And also, who the fishk’s blood was this?

He slid his dinosaur tail over the small puddles of blood, cleaning it up. What a mess! Isaac couldn’t believe this BULLSblack barT. Who just leaves blood on the ground? It’s not polite and it’s inconvenient for others. He sighed a dinosaur sigh.

As he was sweeping the blood into a corner, he heard a large \**CRONCH*\* and the feeling of something breaking underneath his f o ot. He quickly moved backwards. There was a quiet raspy voice from the floor where he had smelled blood.

“Please take me to the hospital, I’m fishking bleeding out.”

Oh no! That was Oct’s voice!

“Oh no, anyways:”

“HEY, THERE’S A BODY HERE,” Isaac bellowed in his very loud dino voice. “IS SOMEONE GOING TO HELP?” His voice could literally break walls, but no one answered.

He waited a few seconds, but there was no response. He was very sure that nobody was coming. He needed to do this himself.

This was a very stressful situation for Isaac considering the fact that he was a dinosaur. He doesn’t have thumbs. He couldn’t use the elevator. It wasn’t big enough.

But he could use the stairs. Slowly rolling Oct’s limp body round and round,  slowly making his way. Oct groaned for a moment, but then went silent.

Up and up he went, blindly trying to sense where he was doing. As a blind stegosaurus wandering around in a sand castle, that was hard. Small, sharp shards of Oct’s shoulder blades poked him. He shuddered to think of how badly he was injured.

He smelled and felt the damp, wet trail of blood soaking his feet and the stairs. Pcab would probably think he ate a whole camel. No, 2 whole camels. He heard a figure descending down the stairs, finally some help. Isaac saw heard his mom.

Pcab had just gotten out of a meeting and had a headache. What she didn’t need was seeing her favorite dino push her other son up the stairs, which at least cleared her head.

“WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?” sliding down the stairs to Isaac, trying really hard NOT TO PANIC.

“I think someone stabbed him with a key and tried to rip out his ribcage,” Isaac answered calmly. “How bad can it be?”

“Shut up, I'm trying to stop a good amount of bleeding any more and he's FUCKED. How much blood is on the floor?”

“Not too much for you to lick up. Do you think he’s gonna make it?”

“First, that's like pretty unsanitary, second, I really hope so.” Magically summoning a stretcher and dropping Oct’s body on it. “Also, WHO THE FUCK DID THIS?” Pcab scREeEmeEEmed.

“I don’t know, all I felt was a key next to Oct’s body. It felt large and had a thing on it.”

Pcab reached up and shoved a pair of dinosaur sized glasses onto Isaac’s face. “Show me where this happened, and we will find who the fuck did this.”

“iL-” Octa croaked. It was amazing he could still talk. Pcab glanced at him and glanced down the staircase.

“We need to get you to the hospital.”

“Where the fuck is snake? FOREHEAD SKIN!” Pcab shouted.

“yESSSSSSSsssSS?” a voice called from downstairs.

“Your favorite son is dying!” Pcab screamed back.

“Fishk what the fishk happened to Oct now?” Snake could be seen trying to slither up the stairs as fast as possible below Pcab, Isaac and Octa. There was the shuffling, sliding sound of scales trying to climb stairs.

“Am I not your f-” Isaac stuttered. Oh what a terrible, terrible ɓ ǝ T ŕ ꜳ Ý á L. What a terrible way to find out.

“We still need you, shut up.” So he did.

Snake thundered/slithered up the stairs. A drop of blood fell down and hit Snake. .“THE FUCK IS HAPPENING, PCAB I DEMAND ANSWERSSS”

Pcab levitated the stretcher over to Snake.

“What the fuck,” Snake said, and immediately rushed Octa to the hospital. He was now 97% dead.

Pcab gave Snake a *very* worried look, and turned her attention back (up) to Isaac, who was still a grumpy dino for not being the favorite. Not even mentioning Tim, who disappeared five nights ago.

“Where did this happen?” she asked him (a bit impatiently because he’s not the favorite).

“Down there, I think,” Isaac said, gesturing at the bottom of the staircase with his dinner plate sized dino foot. He paused when he saw the little dotted trail of blood that went up the staircase. “Damn.” Behind it, smudging the dots of blood, were big, red circular stains from Isaac’s dino feet stepping in it.

Pcab  ra ce d  down the stairs and came to where they emptied out into a wide, marble hallway, that was conveniently splattered with blood. In the middle of the hallway was a puddle of blood. There were faint red footprints that seemed to be running away from the crime scene, down the other end of the hall.

Pcab briskly walked down the hall, leapt over the puddle, and continued a few feet down the hall to where the footprints turned into vague, red-brown half circles, then entirely disappeared. Isaac lumbered behind her like the dinosaur he was.

“Mf is messy,” Pcab commented. Isaac looked around at the wall splatters, the footprints, the key still lying on the floor.

“The key,” he said. “It’s still there.”

Pcab noticed the golden key chilling in the pool of blood, and picked it up. It was almost completely covered in blood, and the end had been scraped to a scarily sharp point. Definitely a possible weapon of murder indeed.

Pcab turned the key over slowly in her hand, studying the crude way it had been fashioned into a weapon.

“I know someone who has a key like this,” she said. “Someone who isn’t Snake.”

## I Like Killing, I Like Murder

As Ily shivered in the dark closet, not from fear but from shock, she thought about all the terrible crimes she had committed.

Once upon a time, she had been a young, very troublesome child. Ily had written swear words in the sand, kicked over the short and stumpy librarians, and even put ant poison in Snake’s coconut milk.

She had shaved Prince Granular’s cat, and blamed it on his bf, Swhite. It had almost ended Grahite as they knew it. That was a stroke of genius.

Ily stole people’s sandals and put cacti needles on their chairs. She had purposely stepped on worms and boiled flies in tar, she mocked Oct’s “totally platonic” “friend” Rainy for their ink eyes, she put a crab in Tim’s bed and made him run away. He never was home more than two days in a row now.

Ily reflected back on her early childhood. Her biological father, Leo, and his goddamn pen. She had once put glue and some weird acidic substance in the ink cartridge. It ended with a trip to the ER. She remembered that short period of time where she lived with her younger siblings, Patrick and Tim. Ily bullied Patrick, fat shamed him, locked him in closets and mailed him to their aunt in a cardboard box, dragged him around as her servant, until the night he disappeared from existence. She continued on, torturing Tim instead, and giving him a phobia of crabs. Tim, living with only his sister after his brother and father disappeared, couldn’t take it anymore.

The truth was, she hated him for being Pen’s child. She hated Pen so much. She wanted to smash it, or burn it, or put it under Leo’s hydraulic press. She hated Tim’s ink powers, the ink that seeped under her skin in her nightmares, the ink that represented the shitty life she had led. Ily thought about her biological mother Bob, who had left Leo for a pineapple. Bob was probably smoking cocoa batons in a Walmart two thousand miles away. Had she left because of Ily? Had she caused her mother’s misery, her father and brother’s deaths, and the disappearance of her other brother? Had she caused Tim to run from home to Stonkstopia? Was she the reason Wbl was bankrupt? yes

Leo had ended up dead. Patrick was wiped from existence, also presumed dead. Tim ran away from home because of her. Ily had done terrible things. Regrettable things. Things that made her question if she really was the favorite child, or if it was what they said in fear.

Ily had done fucked up things. She had fucked up many times and committed arson and property damage.

But she had never, ever, committed murder before. Though she might’ve considered it once or twice, she had never acted on it. Not until now.

Ily looked down at her shaking hands. She had done so many questionable things. Crime and violence.

*Why do I do this?* she wondered. *And this damn boar keeps on killing me* :aomg:

*You’re just bad,* a deep voice mused A familiar voice that she heard Octa use like 5 minutes ago. *And you do this because it’s necessary. Don’t you see?*

Ily scrambled up from the box of bat polish she was sitting on. She looked around the closet. It was dark, but it was small, and she could see there was no one hiding behind one of the three baseball bat racks.

*Show your face you mfing coward, turn off your voice changer too it’s fake af.*

The mystery person sighed. But she didn’t hear it. She thought it, if that makes sense. It was in her head.

*Why does everyone say that? I swear, this is my real voice-* \*static noises\*(in a higher, more genuine voice) *Oh fuck.*

Ily closed her eyes, and in the darkness, a faint blue Wumpus stepped out. Fuck Wumpi, their teardrop asses did nothing for society. All my homies hate Wumpi.

*Hello, Ily. It’s nice to finally meet you. I’m Not Quite Notable, but I assure you, I* am *notable. I’ve been living here for three weeks, and it’s all just AoT and simping. I really hope you’re not like that, Ily. Then I definitely chose the wrong host. You’ve been a disappointment so far, and I was quite surprised at what you’ve done to dear Octa. I was expecting you to break his kneecaps and put him in a fish tank. I must say, I’m pretty impressed with your performance back there. It might’ve been a bit too much but it was better than what I get from any other pig like you. Soon, you’ll be ready for the last step.*

Who the fuck are you? The fuck you doing you lame ass smurf looking ding dong dumbass? A supercomputer could search for a thousand years and still not be able to find a single one of your fucking purposes. If you wanna go bitch, let's go. I will tear you fucking apart and feed your remains to my animal of a sibling. I will drag your fat ass to Wall Sina.

What the fuck are you doing you fat ass blue motherfucker, teardrop farter, Not Quite Notable? Leaf hat wearing cunt, can’t even deliver a package? Jobless, friendless, annoying blue fuck? Little fucking whiny bitch ass motherfucker rude ass manipulator almond asshole cashew cock pine nut pussé little fuckign rat?? Do you wanna go? You wanna fucking fight? Damn you you fucking weasel ass bitch ass motherfucking dumbass small brained wumpus shithead bitch.

*That was… rude. Like really rude. Ow. I mean, if you’re not gonna want my help to kill your parents and take the throne, I guess I could-*

Listen here you little fucking shit. I’ll fucking stomp you into the ground. I’d willingly stab any of my siblings but I’m not gonna kill Pcab or Snake. Fucking dumbass. Your little wimpy ass wumpus brain thinks I’m gonna kill momma pcab? Fucking moron. Bitch. Eat cyanide and go fucking die.  Bitch bitch fucker bitch fucking asshole motherfucking dumbass bitch moron idiot die. Dumbass biotch beeotch bbitch fucking fuck fuck asshole ass dumbass. I will blend you and drink your blue ass organs and feed them to papa snek and momma pcab. I will squeeze your eye jelly and sell it.

*And I thought that spaghetti snorter, Wörm, was bad. Wow. Okay you’ve genuinely really hurt my feelings and even though I don’t have good morals I can tell when someone’s mean. You kinda suck. I’m gonna go now :( \*cries\**

## Pcab Eats a Nurse

“Will he live?” Snake asked worriedly.

“If he doesn’t you can drag his soul back from hell,” the nurse said.

“That's a good point, not sure if Satan would like that though.” -snake

“Tell him to drag him back”-nurse

“Just tell us if he's gonna live.” - snake

“SHAKALALALAL my son is DYING”

“Correction: dead,” the nurse stated. She threw a white sheet over Oct’s body, and wheeled him out the door. “We’ll keep his body hooked up to the life support because he’s in a deep, deep coma he’ll never wake from, so that we can squeeze out as much of your money as possible. They flashed Snake and Pcab a twisted grin. “Dipshit.”

Pcab rose from her chair, strutting to the nurse.

“What do you want? Oh do you expect me to do something for your dipshit son-” The nurse never finished their sentence for at that moment Pcab grabbed her neck, choking them. Her veins pulsing desperately, their face slowly turning purple. Before being slammed into the wall, lights flickering from the sheer force.

The nurse gasped, crawling into the corner, before massaging their neck, clearly unaware of how cruel Pcab was. Hardly getting a break to catch their breath, pcab was already grabbing their arm, twisting and facing them. Before having their skull bashed on the wall. “Go get her, Pcab!” Snake encouraged. They held the nurse to the wall for Pcab to bash her head.

“Do you expect someone to do something for your dipshit brain? Huh?” Repeatedly bashing their head on the wall. “Well what's your answer?”

“Y-ye-” before being shoved on the wall by the neck, a knife coming full force into her eye. Screaming, as their entire eye gets plucked out. Taking the knife, making cuts along the face, Before sticking the knife under. Removing flesh and skin, and tossing them skin side down onto the white sheets. Barreling holding consciousness, they slid to the floor, gasping and crying, as pcab examined the pieces of flesh she just carved out.

“Some pretty pieces, they’ll taste good.” As nurse Karen watched in horror, she saw her face, now a clump of mangled flesh, enter pcab’s mouth, never to be seen again. Staggering, legs shaking from her own weight, Karen got up, before realizing again she couldn’t breath. Because pcab was up against her face, choking her again. Before the Doors of the ward busted open, a swarm of doctors and nurses arose.

“What's going on-” glancing at Nurse Karen’s mangled, fleshed out face, being choked by pcab, the once crisp and white bed sheets now bloody, and Snake's faint amusement. Clearly realizing that this was the Royal family and they were pissed at nurse Karen, and because they aren’t imbeciles, they slowly back away. Leaving the ward more silent than ever.

“Hey hurry it up, we don’t have forever.” as Snake slithers to the door.

“Let me have my moment ok, she insulted *our* son,” pcab’s grip tightening, Karen was now foaming at the mouth, “And i'm not gonna let her get away with it.” before one final *snap*. Ending their life.

“Well yes that's a good point, but let's figure out how to get Octa’s soul back.”