Fake TPOT 29: The 250 Club

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.
"**The 250 Club**" is the non-canon twenty-ninth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 26 January 1983. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known as "**Twoevangelism**".

Author's note: I was watching *Super Password* earlier today and found this gem. There just so happens to be a great deal of Tren in this episode. Hmm...

Description if this were on YouTube:

Class is back in session in the TPOT world! Remember those persuasive speeches they made you give in school? No? Maybe it's just me. Well, that's exactly what the contestants are tasked with doing... and some of them are even talking about school! Who'll get the chance to really charm the usually apathetic hearts of Two and Five? And who won't? Find out in the second-to-last episode of the fifth act of... THE POWER OF TWO!

Previous episode: "Englowchment"

Next episode: "A Time to Let Go"

## Cold open

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene**View of the contestants playing outside. Fade into a view of the old "Lightning's room" section of the hotel building. Fade into a view of **Two**, who is lying down on Tree's bed with sunglasses on. They speak alone.
* **Two**: Be a good person and don't expose your eyes... *toOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—***

[*The intro plays.*]

* **Two**: The sun. Don't leave your home without some sort of glasses.

[*As if by coincidence, enter* **Tennis Ball** *and* **Golf Ball**, *both bespectacled: Golf Ball wears the large frames of the late 1970s, while Tennis Ball has on the similarly oversized aviator glasses, the kind that is popular during this decade (also worn by Pen a few years earlier). Two reacts in shock.*]

* **Two**: Oh, whoa! You've startled me!
* **Golf Ball**: We're back, Two!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Sorry to disturb you, but we're up here to avoid being seen by the others.
* **Two**: Don't feel bad, I wouldn't want to spend time with those people either. [*Beat.*] So how was your appointment and why have you just arrived now?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: The line at the town optician's was far too long.
* **Golf Ball**: Who would have thought that we'd be sitting in a waiting room for three months just to get these? Why, I'd complain to you about the gross oversimplification of categorical measurements in the field of visual acuity, but I figured you wouldn't care.
* **Two**: What are you ranting about now, GB?
* **Golf Ball**: Education is a very important thing in our lives, Two.
* **Two**: Yes, I would assume that.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Anyway, we just wanted to say hello and let you know that we look like this now.
* **Golf Ball**: We're going down to our room to look at more things.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Wait, GB, maybe we can do it right here!
* **Golf Ball**: Good idea! Two, do you mind if Tennis Ball and I look around a bit? Our eyesight was rated *chizzy* and we need to make sure these glasses are doing their job.
* **Two**: I don't mind at all; look away! Just don't stare into my soul. Spoiler alert: You won't find anything in it.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Wouldn't dream of it.

[*Tennis Ball and Golf Ball look around the room.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*looking at a picture of a star cluster*] Hey, look! It's Black Hole's family photo!
* **Golf Ball**: And there's Winner's glass menagerie!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: And a really dusty book that looks like it hasn't been read in ages.
* **Golf Ball**: *What?*

[*Golf Ball rushes over to the book and picks it up. It looks like Tree's journal, but coloured differently.*]

* **Golf Ball**: O unknown book, what unread stories could you possibly tell?
* **French Narrator**: Three months la—I mean, earlier.

## Flashback, pre–Cake at Stake

### **Three months earlier**

**Scene**View of the same book, only it's not as dusty as it is in the present. In the first few seconds we see no action by the contestants, only a seemingly still image of said book.
**P****en**: Alright, gang, I'll see you in fifteen minutes.
**T****r****e****e**: You sure, mate? I think that brute really fricked up your cap.
**P****en**: What?! Make it an hour!
[*The sound of a door closing. The camera follows the book as it is picked up by* **Tree** *and shown to* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote**, *who are next to him. We see that this journal is titled* An Arbour Story: The Long, Long 1981. **Winner** *and* **Donut** *are doing their own things in the background.*]
**T****r****e****e**: Guys, you've got to help me! [*looks at the bathroom and whispers*] I've decided to give Pen the draft of my hiatus journal.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Really? I thought everything you wrote was "for your eyes only".
**T****r****e****e**: I know, that's usually how it is... but this time it's different.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: How so?
**T****r****e****e**: [*sighs*] I was a contemptible little tree earlier and I've said some things I'm starting to regret. I want to give him something that means a lot to me so he knows how much I value him.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Well, it's good that you're becoming self-aware.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wait, I thought Two couldn't recover non-living items.
**T****r****e****e**: You're right; Two *can't*. Do you know what they said when I asked for my draft back? "*No!*" Don't tell me that's not a gross violation of contestants' rights!
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Seems like you're trapped between an asteroid and a Lagrange point. Unfortunately, I don't know how to help; do, do you really think you can write all those words so quickly?
**T****r****e****e**: I- I don't know; it's difficult chiz, and I can't write all that and *mnnngh!*
[*Tree falls on his bed with his head down.*]
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Okay, okay, Tree, please relax.
**T****r****e****e**: Faaaark! Two!
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Tell you what, Remote has an infinite text memory.
**T****r****e****e**: [*looking up*] So?
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So, she can reproduce the parts of the draft you showed her when we were all inside Two.
**T****r****e****e**: You'd really do that, Remote?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: How do you think I survived Bible school? Now Tree, show me your first blank page.
[*Tree nervously hands his journal over to Remote, who looks at the page with big eyes.*]
**R****e****m****ot****e**: What are you doing in that drawing?
**T****r****e****e**: Zhh!
**R****e****m****ot****e**: I'm jay-kay kidding. Just watch this.
[*Remote recalls every word and image she read in Tree's original draft and reproduces it on the blank pages of the journal, flipping pages at record speed.*]
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Now I know what the expression "eating your words" really means.
[*Remote shuts the book and hands it over to Tree.*]
**R****e****m****ot****e**: I'm done.
**T****r****e****e**: Thanks, Remote, I... I owe you one.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Like maybe listing me as your co-author?
**T****r****e****e**: We'll see.
[*Tree opens the book.*]
**T****r****e****e**: Oh, wow, it's... it's perfect; it's exactly how I've written it. [*Remote gives Tree a thumbs up*] Well... [*looks at his journal*] I think I'm ready to show him this.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Good, 'cause here he comes.
[*Enter* **Pen**.]
**P****en**: That was some examination, whoo! Hi, guys.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, that was fast.
**P****en**: Yep! Turns out there wasn't anything wrong with my cap. I think I'll keep it like this, as a matter of fact.
[*Beat.*]
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Tree?
**T****r****e****e**: Oh yeah. Happy birthday, Pen.
**P****en**: Tree, my birthday was last month.
**T****r****e****e**: Who says I can't celebrate the fact that you exist?
**P****en**: [*excited*] You do that too?
**T****r****e****e**: Anyway, I want you to accept this gift from me. [*shows Pen his book*]
**P****en**: That's... that's wonderful! Thanks, Tree! [*hugs him*] But... isn't this your diary?
**T****r****e****e**: It's my *journal*.
**P****en**: Oh.
[*Silence.*]
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ooh, we'll be downstairs.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Totally not selling factional merchandise. /s
[*Exeunt* **Remote** *and* **Black Hole**.]
**P****en**: What's with the sudden giveaway?
**T****r****e****e**: Oh, nothing. Just reckon you'll really like it.
**P****en**: Boy, that's something.
**T****r****e****e**: [*sternly*] You *are* going to read this, aren't you?
**P****en**: Of course! I mean, you know it's really hard for me to just sit down and read, but I promise I'll read it one day.
**T****r****e****e**: No, you can't read it in one day. It's impossible.
**P****en**: Oh yeah? Watch me. [*smirks*]
[*He flips through the pages really quickly.*]
**T****r****e****e**: I mean, you *can't* read it in a day, because I know you'll beg me to do everything in it, to live it all again, like in that song by Vol Cano and Romina Flower.
**P****en**: What song?
**T****r****e****e**: "Ebony and Ivory", Pen. /s
**P****en**: Well. [*raising an eyebrow*] Sounds like there's something really cool in there for me.
**T****r****e****e**: Yeaaaah. [*sees Pen placing the book among the others in the team library*] What are you doing?
**P****en**: Making sure my book knows its place, just the way you like it.
**T****r****e****e**: Right, although... [*moves the book*] *Leigh* comes after *Leafster* and not before it. Got it?
[*Pen gives Tree a friendly thumbs up.*]
[*End flashback.*]

* **Two**: Wow.
* **Golf Ball**: I know, right?
* **Two**: No, I was talking about the flashback. It was way too long—and now it's time for Cake at Stake!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Okay, we'll sit down.
* **Two**: Don't worry. Your team's not up for elimination.
* **Golf Ball**: We know. We were watching the last episode while in the waiting room.
* **Two**: Really now?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Right as the rain on the Great Plains.
* **Golf Ball**: By the way, tell that new girl Exix that we have always looked like this.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*about Golf Ball*] She likes to retcon.

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** have gathered the contestants for Cake at Stake. Sitting on the risers are the members of the winning teams, **Vitas** and **U**, while on the platforms are the members of the team up for elimination, **The Alefs**.
* **Two**: Alefs. Welcome back.
* **Five**: Did you know that this is the last place you'd want to hear a phrase like that?
* **Nic****k****el**: Yes, we're painfully aware of that.
* **Two**: Good, because you should be!

[*Two suddenly breaks into a fit of laughter.*]

* **Two**: Aaaaahahahahahahahaha! Eeeeeeeehehehehehehe! It's, it's like you're all perpetual losers!
* **Winner**: [*a bit angry*] Hey, Two, that's not very nice.
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah, you do not use Loser's name in vain!
* **P****i****n**: [*to Coiny*] Can you imagine if Clock were here?
* **Co****i****ny**: [*imitating the sound of a clock trying to break a number's neck*] Kkkh!

[*Two gets up and returns to their natural semi-happy state.*]

* **Two**: Sorry, Winner. Anyway, you all know what to do. Queue up!

[*The Alefs form a queue outside* **Stem Kastje**. **Exix** *is the last person in the queue.*]

* **Ex****ix**: Wait, what's this?
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh, that's right. You weren't here when Two gussied up the Cake at Stake thing.
* **Puffball**: In this elimination, we are supposed to vote for the one, two or three people we want safe.
* **S****aw**: The person that gets the most votes...
* **Co****i****ny**: Can stay in the show!
* **Ar****esko**: And the person who gets the fewest...
* **P****i****n**: Will be eliminated.
* **Ex****ix**: Ooh, that's scary. But... thanks for telling me, teammates.
* **S****aw**: No pr***8***blem!

[*Everyone looks at Saw.*]

* **S****aw**: Sorry, side effect. Anyway, you also can't vote for someone you've voted for before.
* **Ex****ix**: I don't think that applies to me.
* **S****aw**: Yeah, you're new!

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**, *when they could have walked over.*]

* **Two**: Are you done explaining for me?
* **S****aw**: I, I think so!
* **Ex****ix**: They did well, all of them.
* **Two**: Then let the voting...
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: ***BEGIIINNNN!***

[*Exix winces from the hosts' loud noise.*]

### **Stem Kastje**

**Scene**The contestants choose whom (1, 2 or 3 people) they want to be safe. The first-named contestant gets 6 votes if their name is mentioned alone, 4 if mentioned if one other and 3 if mentioned with two others. The second-name contestant (if there is one) gets 2 votes, regardless of whether anyone else's name comes after them. The third-named contestant (if there is one) gets 1 vote. This scene is frequently skipped in later broadcasts.

TPOT 29
* **Ar****esko**: Can I vote for all of them?
* **Stemkastje**: Sure, why not throw a few more non-contestants into the mix too? /s
* **Ar****esko**: Okay! I'll vote for my ex-wife as well.
* **Stemkastje**: It was sarcasm, honey.
* **Ar****esko**: Oh... In that case, I vote for Coiny, Exix and Puffball.

[*Static.*]
* **Co****i****ny**: Saw's been proven to be pretty good, I don't know. I vote for her, along with Fries.

[*Static.*]
* **P****i****n**: Ooh, I vote for Fries! He did not deserve to die like that at all!

[*Static.*]
* **Puffball**: So you're telling me I can't vote for Fries?
* **Stemkastje**: You've already voted for him before.
* **Puffball**: Okay, then I vote for Pin and Aresko.
* **Stemkastje**: Ooh, Pin. That's unusual.
* **Puffball**: *I still want those limbs.*

[*Static.*]
* **S****aw**: Puffball, Aresko... and Nickel!

[*Static.*]
* **Stemkastje**: You may vote for Exix or Saw.
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh. That's easy, then. I vote for Exix and Saw.
* **Stemkastje**: And now your votes have all been used up. Let's hope you stay in.
* **Nic****k****el**: Huh?

[*Static.*]
* **Stemkastje**: Exix, you may vote for anyone on your team—
* **Ex****ix**: Can I vote for myself?
* **Stemkastje**: Except yourself. Will you let me do my job?
* **Ex****ix**: Sorry. I vote for... Aresko, Puffball and Nickel. They were with me the whole challenge through.
* **Stemkastje**: That's a good reason.

### **Elimination area**

**Scene****Liy** returns to her seat. A flashcard comes out of Stem Kastje's box. Five takes it and hands it over to Two.
* **Five**: Alright then! As we wait for Two to process the results, who wants to hear a joke?
* **Donut**: A joke?
* **Five**: Your mom! Ha! [*Silence.*] Ha! [*Silence.*] Really?
* **Golf Ball**: [*Aside.*] TB, I think we've found a worse comedian than you. /j

[*Five frowns.*]

* **Two**: Laaaaah! [*Everyone looks at Two.*] Gasp!
* **Five**: Is everything alright?
* **Two**: Everyone got a single-digit number of votes!
* **Puffball**: But that makes sense though.
* **Ex****ix**: Yeah, this team's pretty small.
* **Two**: That's not all! The lowest-voted contestant received *two* votes! Get that number? Two? That's *me!*
* **Five**: Two, I can't tell if you're happy or terrified.
* **Two**: I don't know! I don't know how to feel at all!
* **Nic****k****el**: Well, who got the lowest number of votes?
* **Two**: You.
* **Nic****k****el**: Aw, that's really sad for... [*realizing*] ***ME?***

[*The number of votes the other safe contestants got appear above their heads and Two throws something metal at them.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Two, you can't be serious!
* **Two**: Oh, but I am. Any last words, Nickel?
* **Nic****k****el**: I wasn't expecting to be eliminated *today*; I got the most votes last episode. Why now?
* **Two**: That's good enough for me!

[**Nickel** *is zapped out of the Cake at Stake area. He is presumably teleported to the Filing Cabinet.*]

* **Two**: Man, I love zappelling.

## Post–Cake at Stake

* **N****a****ily**: Two, you didn't even let him say goodbye!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: It's not like he could! Them Southerners have their own special way for that. [*Beat. They notice Naily is sad.*] But... sorry for your loss. Want to go downstairs?
* **N****a****ily**: Nah, I'll be fine.

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: Ooh, good thinking.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Two, this is private!
* **Two**: So is Five's and my hotel lobby, but that doesn't stop you lot from entering unannounced. Anyway, I'm not here to talk about inter-contestant romances. [*raises their eyebrows*] I am here to talk about the contest.
* **Five**: Oh! Next scene, then!

[*Two looks around.*]

* **Two**: Ah. Right.

[*They clap their hands twice.*]

## Pre-contest

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Two clapping their hands sends everyone else to the front of the hotel. All look around, confused at this sudden teleportation.
* **B****o****k** What? How did we get down here?
* **Two**: It's because of the thing you're all battling for. Say it with me, on the count of two! Half of two... Two...

[*Two raises their arms like a conductor and the contestants say the name of the show, bored.*]

* **Everyone**: *The Power of Two*.
* **Two**: That was beautiful! I must also apologize for the way I've been acting earlier, and for being so hard on you, especially on Naily.
* **N****a****ily**: What did I do?
* **Two**: You and Taggy were about to skive off the contest for a drink!
* **N****a****ily**: Well... yeah.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: But Naily decided against it! She is a strong, independent Japanese-Australian woman who hasn't got time for a man.
* **N****a****ily**: Right! Although... I do need money, like... five cents.

[*Naily and Price Tag giggle to themselves.*]

* **N****a****ily**: Hope you didn't hear that, Nick.
* **Two**: Anyway, I want you all to listen carefully: In this contest, all contestants must participate. No contestant will not play a rôle in this challenge, and yes, the double negative was intentional, because you will receive two times the negative consequences if this rule is not followed. Have I made myself clear?
* **Golf Ball**: In a way, you *have* made yourself clear, Two!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: GB's right. Exactly three hours ago, our vision was rated anything but that.
* **Five**: That's not what Two's talking about!

[*Beat. Two stares at the camera and smiles.*]

* **Donut**: Um... Two? What exactly is the contest?
* **Winner**: I hope it's something nice.
* **Two**: [*with one finger up*] Today, your challenge is... Wait.

[*Two looks in one direction and their eyes grow big.*]

* **Two**: I forgor!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Two forgot a challenge?
* **P****i****n**: That doesn't happen often!
* **Two**: No, I *forgor!* And not only that, but I've forgotten to build something for the challenge! I'd planned on doing it earlier this weekend, but Five and I were busy.
* **Five**: Yes, we were building sandcastles and practising for the algebraliens' Tahitian dance recital. Two does a mean *'ote'a*, if I do say so myself..
* **Two**: No, you.
* **Five**: Ngwaaaaah!

[*Two and Five start to wiggle their hips rapidly, a typical movement in this dance of the islands. Everyone looks around again in confusion as log drums begin to play.*]

* **Golf Ball**: And you brought them together, Bok?
* **B****o****k**: I didn't know they'd be this *cultured*.
* **Donut**: Two, Five, we'd really appreciate it if you started... building, please.
* **Two**: Oopsies!

[*Two quickly hurries to the middle of the field, where construction sounds can be heard for a few seconds.*]

* **Everyone**: Ooh! Aah!
* **Co****i****ny**: Thank you for reminding me what we're here for.
* **P****i****n**: Didn't Lincoln say he wanted to be a builder when he's older?
* **Co****i****ny**: A *bodybuilder*, Pin.
* **P****i****n**: Oh yeah. Darn fitness craze.
* **Two**: Finished!

[*Everyone looks at Two's creation in awe: They have built a very fancy stage, the kind they have at school talent shows.*]

* **Two**: Welcome to the Seven Stages!
* **Co****i****ny**: Huh? Seven? But I only see one.
* **Two**: I'm flattered you find half of me so attention-grabbing, copper Nickel! But it's just a name, like how *Argaret* means *earl of the sea* but she's really an egg, or how *Saw* is the past tense of *see*, but this Saw changes her appearance so much that you can hardly recognize her in an old picture.
* **S****aw**: That describes me pretty well.
* **Two**: Never mind that, 'cause the stage is set, the contestants are here and I'm ready to declare: In today's contest, you must try to convince Five and me with any argument you like!

[*Silence.*]

* **Donut**: Is that all?
* **Two**: Yes! I am interested in your opinions on the most pressing issues your team members are facing. Preach to us as loudly as you want, in fact, that's why I want all of you to participate. Are there any questions?

[*All the armed contestants raise their hands and the legged contestants raise their legs. Puffball and Black Hole float a bit higher.*]

* **Two**: Okay, no questions. Go!

## Contest prep

### **Outside**

**Scene**The contestants have dispersed for the contest. **Vitas** and **U** are outside on opposite sides of the Seven Stages, while **The Alefs** have gone inside to prepare for their presentation.
#### U

[*Because Clock is dead,* **Basketball**, **Bok**, **Golf Ball**, **Naily**, **Price Tag**, **Tennis Ball** *are the only contestants in the team at present. Bok is looking inside herself as everyone watches awkwardly.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Um... Bok? What are you doing?
* **B****o****k**: Reading myself! I've just drawn a new picture inside me, see?

[*Courtesy of the voters, Bok shows everyone a picture of a winged helmet surrounded by small words: This is the dictionary portion of her contents.*]

* **?**: Undrawn. Viking. Crown.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: You might want to put that away so the police don't catch you.
* **B****o****k**: Oh, it's fine; there's nothing in here that's illegal. I made sure of it at the station.
* **Baske****t****ball**: O... kay. Anyway, I just realized something.
* **N****a****ily**: What is it?
* **Baske****t****ball**: I think we can all agree that this act's been a little weird.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah. [*looks at the camera*] Really weird.
* **Baske****t****ball**: The order of eliminated people in the act goes like this: Vitas, Vitas, Alefs, Alefs.
* **B****o****k**: That may be true and frankly bizarre, but what's your point exactly?
* **Baske****t****ball**: I think we're the next to be up for elimination! That's how it works in these shows, right?
* **N****a****ily**: Mm, I think so.
* **B****o****k**: Yes, and it doesn't help that we're no longer immune.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: That's a little negative now! We can still win this, even without our most persuasive player.
* **B****o****k**: The one contest Clock is best at, and he's gone.

[*Everyone sighs.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Never fear, Team U! TB and I were talking things over earlier.
* **B****o****k**: Really? I couldn't hear anything!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: That's because we communicate telepathically.
* **Golf Ball**: Anyway, we propose that our team convince Two and Five to reform the entire educational system in this settlement, especially in the field of mathematics.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Did you know the schools here are still doing New Math?
* **Golf Ball**: It's so unfortunate. So how say all of you? Do you find this a good idea or not?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Well, I don't have any pressing issues right now.
* **B****o****k**: Me neither.
* **Golf Ball**: If it makes you feel better, I am willing to metaphorically hand over the microphone to the rest of you.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Aw, that's really nice!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: What's with the sudden change?
* **Golf Ball**: These glasses are making me a bit dizzy.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Ah.
* **N****a****ily**: Best not to question stuff like that.

#### Vitas

[*The standard Vitas clique formation:* **Donut** *and* **Winner** *on one side,* **Tree**, **Remote**, **Black Hole** *and* **Pen** *on another and* **Snowball** *in the middle. Donut is looking off into the distance. He carries a clipboard with a paper on it titled "Contest ideas". Winner approaches him.*]

* **Winner**: Hey, Donut.
* **Donut**: Oh, hi. Winner.
* **Winner**: Are you still thinking of a topic?
* **Donut**: Yeah. There are so many different viewpoints and backgrounds in our team that there's no topic we can all agree upon!
* **Winner**: You're tired of the cliques too, aren't you?
* **Donut**: [*whispering*] Terribly.
* **Winner**: Well... what do you have in mind?
* **Donut**: I don't know yet. You?
* **Winner**: [*points to Tree, Remote, Black Hole and Pen with their arm*] How about we try to convince Two and Five to prevent death?
* **Donut**: Really? You'd cross over to... the dark side?
* **Winner**: Eh, why not? I've got no problems with any of them. And besides, this is personal. I can't approve of the way Two treated my boy Clock, I just can't.
* **Donut**: Well, I commend you for sticking to your principles.

[*Silence.*]

* **Winner**: So can you talk to them for me, Donut?
* **Donut**: Sure.
* **Winner**: Cheers.

[**Donut** *approaches the death preventers' faction of the team, who are sitting and talking to one another.*]

* **Donut**: Hey, guys.
* **P****en**: Hiya!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What goes on, fellow holey man?
* **Donut**: Winner and I were thinking, and we'd like your opinion on something.
* **T****r****e****e**: Sure.
* **Donut**: How would you like it if our team convinced Two and Four to prevent death at the showcase?

[*Black Hole, Remote and Tree exchange glances.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Erm...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We don't think it's all that... what's-it-called. Black Hole?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Donut, while that sounds like a very good idea, and we thank you for consulting with us about it, you should know that this faction of our team has three goals.
* **Donut**: You do? Where was I when you made this manifesto?
* **P****en**: We ate it all. [*Tree looks at him.*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: The three main priorities of this side of the team are, in ascending order: the prevention of death, winning contests and finally, promoting the prevention of death.
* **Donut**: Oh, that's surprising. Why would promoting the prevention of death be lower on your list than winning the contest?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Because Remote and I already promote that by default.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That's right. It's part of our business, and as they say, money speaks louder than words.
* **Donut**: Okay. So what you're telling me is that... you don't want Two and Five to prevent death?

[*Awkward silence.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Mm... well...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We'll think about it.
* **T****r****e****e**: Don't pressure us yet, Don.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: How about we get back to you later?
* **Donut**: Take your time, I guess.

[*Exit* **Donut**, *facepalming.*]

* **P****en**: Wow, Donut sounded a little bummed.
* **T****r****e****e**: You're not worried we'll lose, are you?
* **P****en**: Why should I? He has a clipboard; that's how you know a guy's got all the answers. Eh, Tree? [*puts his arm around him—Tree often carries a clipboard with him for no reason*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah... [*gets up*] Oh, you've just reminded me. I'll talk to you all later; I just need to ask someone for something. [*spells out "L-I-Y" in Nigerian Sign Language*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Aaaah, okay. See ya, mate.

[*Exit* **Tree** *to the hotel lobby. Pen watches as he approaches the front desk.*]

* **P****en**: Where's he going?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: To Goikyan Easter Island, Pen. /s
* **P****en**: Okay! [*calling out to Tree*] Have fun on Easter Island, buddy!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: By any chance, do you come with a volume down button?

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene****The Alefs** are thinking of ideas. It is silent in the lobby, with only the faint sound of elevator music playing in the background to accompany the the team members (that is, **Aresko**, **Coiny**, **Exix**, **Pin**, **Puffball** and **Saw**) thinking.
#### The Alefs

* **Puffball**: Gasp!
* **Ex****ix**: You have an idea?
* **Puffball**: I do! You know how I've been working on a new beat?
* **Ar****esko**: Not really.
* **Puffball**: Well, I've come up with this brand-new rhythm to beatbox with for, like, fun and stuff. But now that I think about it, we can totally use that for today's contest.
* **Ar****esko**: I like that.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, who hasn't been won over by music? [*Puffball nods.*]
* **Ex****ix**: What's beatboxing?
* **Puffball**: It's the in thing these days, I think. Listen: Eh-em. [*beatboxes*] Pfffzkz. Pfffzkz. Pv kv pv kv zk zk kz kz ckcktz pptchtppchpzk. Pw.
* **Co****i****ny**: Ooh!
* **S****aw**: That sounds really nice! Where'd you learn to do that?
* **Puffball**: Gelatin!
* **Ar****esko**: So cool!
* **S****aw**: I always knew he had a knack for making strange noises.

[*Enter* **Tree**, *who has his hands behind his back.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Hello, all.
* **Ar****esko**: Hiya, Tree.
* **P****i****n**: What brings you to this hotel lobby?
* **T****r****e****e**: My feet. /j [*Beat.*] Er... can I talk to Exix?
* **S****aw**: Sure! We're just listening to Puffball's "beak's bot".
* **T****r****e****e**: Great. [*fake smile*]

#### Tree and Exix

[**Tree** *catches* **Liy/Exix** *by her arm and leads her to the back of the hotel lobby, near the hotel restaurant and away from the earshot of her teammates. They work on writing a song together in the background.*]

* **Ex****ix**: Don't be so rough, Tree. I'm not as sinewy as I used to be. In the EXIT, we could only eat food that Four consumed himself.
* **T****r****e****e**: What?
* **Ex****ix**: Never mind. Now what exactly do you want from me? I'm very busy with my team.
* **T****r****e****e**: Well, I'm proud of you for integrating so easily as a TPOT neophyte. But I just want to ask your permission for something.
* **Ex****ix**: What's that?
* **T****r****e****e**: Is it okay if Pen knows your real name? He's highly convinced that you're "Liy's twin sister".
* **Ex****ix**: Still? What an idiot! I mean, oh gosh, please don't tell me he's going to try to win me over for that.
* **T****r****e****e**: No worries, I've got him grounded. In fact, we're dating.
* **Ex****ix**: [*surprised*] Dating?
* **T****r****e****e**: It's when two people go steady with each—
* **Ex****ix**: Yeah, I've listened to enough Heel Sedaka to know what that means, Tree. But you and Pen, dating? I can't believe it.
* **T****r****e****e**: Why not? I know you're from the sixties, but I don't want to hear "it's because a Virgo and a Cancer can't be together".
* **Ex****ix**: *No*. Just let me tell you something I remember very well, something Pen told me back in '69. [*imitating Pen*] "Gee, I've never tried out another fella before!" And then he said "eh".
* **T****r****e****e**: Of course. I mean, yes, he tried me out the day you were eliminated, and I can tell you that he's ridden me all the way. He's actually really happy when I'm around, and that's a fact, Liy.
* **Ex****ix**: But wait, there's more. He also told me, during the twenty or so times that we had our nice little trysts, that he could never see me as his girlfriend. That's another thing he told me back in '69.
* **T****r****e****e**: Okay, why do you keep saying *69*?
* **Ex****ix**: 'Cause it's a funny number, Tree.

[*Tree looks down, thinking.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: [*with a hint of uncertainty*] But he does with me. He sees us as together.
* **Ex****ix**: Oh, really. Has he ever called you his boyfriend?
* **T****r****e****e**: Sure, he's said the same thing about Aresko and Black Hole and Coiny and Donut...
* **Ex****ix**: You naïve fricking evergreen, he's talking about boys who are his *friends*, for Helvetica! [*sighs*] I know that's basically a *no*, so here's the final test: Has he promised to direct all his love towards you, the one he's committed to, and never spread the same passion he has for you to anyone else?
* **T****r****e****e**: Well...
* **Ex****ix**: Have you asked him that?
* **T****r****e****e**: [*agitated*] No, and not when you make it sound like a disease! I don't need to do all that because I am very well confident that I'm the only one Pen sees as his treasure right now, and I don't need you to make me feel paranoid about him.
* **Ex****ix**: Tree. Listen.

[*She puts her arms out in front of his sides.*]

* **Ex****ix**: I'm only doing this because I care about you. It's pretty easy for me to make friends with the Areskos, or whatever my team is called, but Death PACT will always be my number one in the show. And I don't want you to be heartbroken; when you're in a bad mood, you tend to do and say things you'd never say otherwise.
* **T****r****e****e**: Don't we all?
* **Ex****ix**: Look, that's why I'm telling you all these things. So you don't get hurt if... when... you know...
* **T****r****e****e**: I've got to go.

[**Tree** *begins to walk off.*]

* **Ex****ix**: Wait, Leigh!
* **T****r****e****e**: Lampström.
* **Ex****ix**: Is it okay if our team does a presentation about preventing death?
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, sure, we'll just do something else. [*grumbling to himself*] I can't put on show about preventing death if Snowball gets involved in it anyway...

### **Outside**

**Scene****Tree** returns to his team. He pretends to smile as Pen waves at him.
#### Vitas

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hey, you're back.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Did you find what you were looking for?
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, everything turned out... nicely.

[*Remote and Black Hole look at each other as Tree stifles a frown.*]

* **P****en**: Aww, when you want something, you just— [*claps*] *bang!*—go for it.
* **T****r****e****e**: I do that, don't I?
* **P****en**: For sure! And I must say... ♫ That's what I like about you! ♫

[*Pen finger-guns Tree and gives him a peck on the cheek.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Thanks.
* **Winner**: Hey, did you think of an idea yet?
* **T****r****e****e**: There's been a slight change in plans. Sorry.
* **Winner**: Oh, it's fine. Now we just need to think of something before Two—

## Contest

[*Suddenly, Two bangs a pair of non-sentient cymbals that they have held hostage in the closet.*]

* **Two**: Attention, objects!
* **Five**: Yes, Two would like your attention, please, you dirty stinkos!

[*Everyone gathers round, talking with one another.*]

* **Donut**: [*to Winner*] I think I have an idea.
* **Winner**: Something we can all agree on.

[*Winner and Donut gather their team members to chat. Snowball stands idly in the background, heftily breathing out of his nose\*.*]

* **Two**: It is now time for the great Change Your Mind Showcase, where you all get the chance to convince us, the agony-defying combination that is Five and me, of a certain opinion!
* **Golf Ball**: [*excited*] So it's like we're brainwashing you?
* **Two**: Yes! Of course, with numerical membranes like ours, it will take a lot to have our minds changed, but... [*sees that everyone looks a bit annoyed*] Let's begin, shall we?

### **Seven Stages**

**Scene**Each team can take as much or as little time as they want for their presentation. The others sit on the ground, behind the seats where **Two** and **Five** do the judging.
#### The Alefs

* **Two**: The first team up will be The Alefs. Remember: if your feet and/or shadows are on the stage, you must make some sort of noise so that I can tick you off as an active participant. Got it?

[*They all nod. Exix taps the on-stage microphone, releasing a loud feedback.*]

* **Ex****ix**: ***Testing, one, two, three!***
* **Two**: Yes, the microphone works! And your name is now ticked off! [*shows Exix her name on the clipboard, which has been struck through*] Although we'd rather you count upwards like this: "Two, two, two!"
* **Five**: Ech-*em*.
* **Two**: Pardon: "Two, two, five!"
* **Five**: Yea-ah!
* **Co****i****ny**: Um... can we start?
* **Two**: Oh, yes, please do.
* **Co****i****ny**: Before we begin, I'd like to announce that we are going to sing, or rather "rap", as some call it.
* **Two**: Interesting. [*Aside.*] Have you ever heard of rap before?
* **Five**: Can't say I have until now.
* **Co****i****ny**: As your compère, you may call me Coiny. But as your MC, my name is *C-DAWG!* Whaaaaat?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*in the audience*] O. M. G.

[*A sudden post-disco rhythm is heard and the team start doing a bunch of dance moves that are too wacky to be described in words. Only Pin doesn't do anything; she has a bit of stage fright.*]

**Death Prevention Rap**

**Vocalist(s)**: Coiny feat. Puffball (backing singers: Aresko, Exix and Saw)

**Puffball**: ♫ P p tza, p p tza! P p tza, p p tza! Kk...

[*Puffball continues this rhythm as Coiny begins to rap.*]

**Co****i****ny**: Death prevention! The prevention of death!

It's good to do a lot of "save" instead of lots of "leth"!

Death prevention! (**Others**: What?) For helping you and me!

You do not want to show a death on globalized TV! ♫

[*The song ends.* **Two** *gives the team a standing ovation, while* **Five** *and many contestants are sat in confusion.*]

* **Two**: [*clapping*] Yes, that was *beautiful!* That was *glorious!* That was *amazing!* That was...
* **Puffball**: One of the worst things I've ever come up with.
* **Ar****esko**: But Puffball, this was *your* beat!
* **Puffball**: Yeah, but... we only had, like, three minutes to prepare.
* **S****aw**: I think we're all going to cringe at this when we're older.
* **P****i****n**: Couldn't agree more, and I wrote the lyrics!

[*Two and Five tick Pin's name off on their participation clipboards.*]

* **The Alefs**: Yeaaaaaah...
* **Co****i****ny**: C-Dawg out! [*does that weird X finger/arm gesture thing that rappers stereotypically do*]
* **Ar****esko**, **Ex****ix**, **Puffball**: *No!*

#### U

[*Wipe transition to the members of U on the stage.*]

* **Two**: Alright, thanks for being honest, Alefs. U, you're up! What genre of song will U be singing for us?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, um, we didn't prepare a song.
* **B****o****k**: We're just giving a speech.
* **Five**: Now that's conventional.

[*Golf Ball clears her throat, for she is starting the performance.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Once upon a time, there was a couple who wanted to get some apparatuses with which to improve their vision. Unfortunately, they were placed into a box as soon as they got in line.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: They were rated either *good*, *poor* or a word I cannot say on the network.
* **Golf Ball**: He means *chizzy*. From this we have come to the conclusion that where we live, education is severely lacking in the minds of our children.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: And we would like to propose that math be taught in a different, better way. Take it away, team.

[*Mystical music begins to play. More specifically, it is "Frozen Star", the song that is used in the Scale of the Universe.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Hosts and friends and people, when was the last time you did math on paper?
* **N****a****ily**: Thousands of years ago. Maybe even millions!
* **B****o****k**: It's disagreeable, isn't it?
* **Two**: [*from their seat*] Yes, it is disagreeable!
* **B****o****k**: They are now making children calculate things in their heads! Why, for a mechanical mind, that is an easy task! [*Remote smiles in the audience.*] But for non–Mechanical Minds like the rest of us, it will make us prone to mistakes!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Mistakes that will be deadly if left unchecked.
* **N****a****ily**: Like 1+1? What is the answer?
* **Two**: ***ME!***
* **N****a****ily**: That's right!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: But if you can't write it down, then... how do you know you've found the right answer? You could end up with eleven instead of what the answer really is: two! [*Pen nods; it has happened to him before.*]
* **Baske****t****ball**: That is why we should abandon this risky new way of thinking, and return to the old methods and ways that have made us... brought us... um...
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: More intelligently, in the before time.
* **N****a****ily**: Or rather, the be-*two* time.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Thank you for listening to our presentation.

[*They all bow. The hosts applaud wildly, while the other contestants sit in silence, confused.*]

* **Five**: I'm... stupefied. Mesmerized.
* **Two**: Oximated!
* **Five**: Who uses that word in everyday conversation?
* **Two**: I'm sorry, I wanted to join in on the smarts as well. Now, U, your team have articulated your main points very well, and very passionately too, even when that's not how any of it really works.
* **B****o****k**: I thought we were doing a pretty good job.
* **Two**: You were, but in this settlement, mathematics is not taught that way; well, it's not taught that way indeed.
* **[** **N****a****ily** · **P****ri****c****e Tag** **]**: Indeed!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: But is it true?
* **Golf Ball**: Was what we saw at the optician's a ruse to trick sports balls like TB and me?
* **Two**: No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, *NO*. Outside sources have clarified that there's only been a reform in measurements of visual acuity. You'll be happy to know that the education system has remained the same.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oh. I guess there must have been a little mix-up, then.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: On the part of the nerds. That's something you don't see every day, right?
* **N****a****ily**: How rare!
* **Golf Ball**: So why were we so upset about New Math in the first place, Tennis Ball?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I think we were talking about Iowa.
* **Golf Ball**: Ooohhhhh, it was our *own* school district with which we were having a problem. Chiz.
* **Puffball**: [*rolling her eyes*] You know how it goes: It's not all about the place you come from!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: That's absolutely true, Puffball.
* **Golf Ball**: [*looks away*] Whoops. It seems that I was wrong.

#### Vitas

[*Wipe transition to the members of Vitas on the stage. They are, as usual, arranged in their clique formation.*]

* **Two**: And now the last team's up: Vitas. Let's hear what you've got.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: This presentation was going to be about death prevention, until we found out that The Alefs took our idea in a creative direction that we couldn't dare to copy.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: As much as Pen's a good singer, I could never let him rap as irreverently as Coiny did (no offence), because he's... you know... a... well...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: He ain't a soul brother.
* **P****en**: Thank you, Remote.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Preach.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And he's no Birthday Cake either.
* **P****en**: Thanks again, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And he'd look totally weird doing it.
* **P****en**: Hey, what?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Anyway, that is why we've decided to give an original speech, as you've probably heard so many times before. Donut?
* **Donut**: Yes, hi, hosts.

[*Donut bows ceremoniously. Confused, Two and Five do the same.*]

* **Donut**: How are you feeling today?
* **Two**: Judgemental.
* **Donut**: That's perfect! Because we're here to talk about something you'll... you are... [*nervous*] Oh, gosh, my words. Winner?
* **Winner**: Right. Today, we want to discuss something called a... [*Pause.*] Oh no, I've frozen up. Someone?
* **Snowball**: Me shall not stupid *word* stupid say!
* **T****r****e****e**: They're all talking about something we believe is exceedingly common here, a thing called algebralien privilege. [*The words appear on screen.*]

[*Two gets up from their seat, offended.*]

* **Two**: Objection! I've got an issue with this!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes, Two, what is it?
* **Two**: I don't need to listen to your whole speech if you want us to believe that algebraliens are inferior!
* **Five**: That is completely inappropriate, you guys!
* **Donut**: That's not at all what we're doing!
* **Winner**: We never called you inferior. We're just trying to make sure you're aware of your prejudiced, anti-object sentiments.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's, that's right. So you can use them for the good of society, and not for your own selfish gain.
* **Two**: Wrong!
* **Five**: Yeah, wrong! We don't have a prejudiced bone in our membranes!
* **Two**: You're the prejudiced ones for raising a subject most people would consider taboo!
* **Donut**: And by *most people* you mean *algebraliens*, right?
* **Two**: [*smiling*] And the contest is over.

## Post-contest

[*Two uses their powers to zap the Seven Stages out of existence. Vitas fall onto the ground, disgruntled... mostly.*]

* **P****en**: Whee!
* **T****r****e****e**: How can you be happy about this? We might be up for elimination for making controversial statements.
* **P****en**: It's okay, Tree—my whole life is a controversial statement!
* **Winner**: Touché, my friend.
* **Donut**: Um... Two? I know the answer might be pretty obvious, but you still haven't told us whose team is up for elimination.
* **Puffball**: Yeah, who?
* **S****aw**: We want to know!
* **Snowball**: Snowball *want!*
* **Two**: Okay, okay!

[*Two and Five cartoonishly huddle and discuss each team's strong and weak points. We don't hear them, only gibberish. A few seconds later, they look at all the other contestants.*]

* **Two**: U!
* **Five**: U!
* **[** **N****a****ily** · **P****ri****c****e Tag** **]**: U!

[*Beat.*]

* **N****a****ily**: Sorry.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Force of habit.
* **Two**: U, I quite enjoyed your presentation about abolishing New Math. However, I specifically said at the start of the contest that all contestants must take part. One contestant among you did not do that, and his name is Clock.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oh no.
* **Golf Ball**: That's not fair! Clock couldn't take part because he's dead, and I don't see you getting him back, Two!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, and Fries suffered the same fate, so why are The Alefs safe?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Not to mention Vitas's "controversial statements"!
* **Two**: Fries was personally expelled by me, while Clock died due to forces beyond my control. Vitas would have lost if the participation rule did not exist. But since it does, your team's drawbacks were multiplied by the magic number, and that makes you lot up for elimination.
* **N****a****ily**: Oh, come on!
* **Five**: [*Aside.*] Maybe you should penalize them in a different way.
* **Two**: I can't change it! But don't worry, I'll think of something. Don't mob me, contestants, I'm beautiful!

### **Voting screen**

**Scene****Two** stands before the typical voting screen of the act. **Five** does nothing but stand next to them and smile as this song plays:

* **Two**: Vote in the comments using your favourite sequence of letters and square brackets for which item you'd most like to see in an episode. The most common letter in each position will be combined to make your ultimate super-item!

[*Roll credits.*]

## Stinger

### **Back of the hotel**

**Scene**Night. **Naily** and **Price Tag** are talking to each other.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: That's exactly what I was thinking!
* **N****a****ily**: Really?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: No.

[*The pay phone rings.*]

* **N****a****ily**: I've a strange feeling that phone call's for me.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: How do you know it's not for me?
* **N****a****ily**: Because it's 5 in the morning in Melbourne.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Right, right. Go on.

[*Naily walks over to the phone and picks it up.*]

* **N****a****ily**: Hello?
* **Nic****k****el**: [*on the other side*] Hi, Naily!
* **N****a****ily**: Nickel, it's you!
* **Nic****k****el**: I heard you earlier.
* **N****a****ily**: What are you talking about?
* **Nic****k****el**: You say you need five cents, huh?
* **N****a****ily**: [*blushes*] Ah!

[*Naily hangs up at once.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: You're a smooth operator, Nails. So who was on the other end?
* **N****a****ily**: Our Prime Minister, Taggy. /s

[*They both laugh.*]

### **EXIT**

**Scene**Camera zoom out from this scene to reveal that this is being watched by the EXITers.
* **Ma****tch**: Like, seriously, Naily? That is *not*, like, how to be smooth.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*bored*] It's like being stuck watching *Candid Cameron* on repeat! We have to get out of here!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: No kidding.
* **St****a****py**: Besides, we can't just leave this time. Four boarded up every escape route!
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, he didn't! Turn around!

[*Stapy turns around to see the vent system completely intact.*]

* **St****a****py**: Oh. Why haven't I noticed that before?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: 'Cause you were too busy staring at Liy.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I think you mean *Exix*, Fay-jay.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: No, I mean *Liy*, Poo-poo.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well!
* **8****-****Ball**: Apparently, you can still call her *Liy*.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?
* **R****o****b****oty**: Oh, Pencil, you were in the bathroom for, like, thirty ye—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why would the length matter?
* **R****o****b****oty**: You missed the part where Tree was talking to her. He went on about Pen being his—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen being Tree's what?

[*Pause.*]

* **R****o****b****oty**: Oh, dot-dot-dot, dot-dot-dot-dot, dot-dot, da—

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

**Golf Ball**: Two, would you like to work with us to change how the people of this settlement educate their children?
**Two**: Are you asking to take me on a crusade of educational reform in a land from which I don't even come?
**Golf Ball**: I am starting to see the hypocrisy in my statement... [*turns away for a second, revealing an American flag sticker on her back*] But we'd find it very helpful to have the support of an outsider.
**Two**: Then no!
**T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oh, well.
**Golf Ball**: Come on, Tennis Ball, let's 23 skidoo.

* In the flashback:

**T****r****e****e**: Happy Hanukkah.
[*Pen starts laughing.*]
**P****en**: Ah ha ha ha, you're four months too early! Good one, buddy. [*slaps Tree's back*]
**T****r****e****e**: Hey, you can count.
**P****en**: Of course I can! You don't get into U of T just for being pretty, y'know.

* After Coiny said "You do not use Loser's name in vain", he was going to end his little statement with "God!" (ironically). I deleted it because I don't feel like being sacrilegious tonight.
* At Cake at Stake:

**Golf Ball**: And that's okay. It's okay if you do not understand your feelings at this moment!
**R****e****m****ot****e**: We heard you, Ball Rogers. /s

* Another rather dark line: "If Two can construct buildings within seconds, why are people still homeless?" / "I am not a caring Earthling!"
* Donut did know what topic his team should present about in the competition: I couldn't choose between the end of apartheid in Goikyan South Africa and the abolition of numerical supremacy on Earth, so I decided to have him ask the death preventers' faction for their opinion. Here's the description text:

well yeah - the obvious one; the end of numerical supremacy, ooh thats good - do you think the rest of our team would agree iewh thta, i dont know not everyone here's an academic, yo uknow [points at snowball] some people might think thats the name fa girl group, hmm we need someone that seasy for people t oundertsnad: number, letter, object, oh i got it!

* Puffball was going to beatbox the entire wall of text from this YouTube video.
* An alternate line from the Liy and Tree's conversation:

**T****r****e****e**: I need to ask permission from you for something.
**Ex****ix**: That's new.
**T****r****e****e**: Liy, I've always been a proper gentleman around you.
**Ex****ix**: No, it's just that for almost three years, I've been surrounded by people who have no idea what "please" and "thank you" are. *I won't just give you the test answers, Stapy!*
[*Beat.*]
**Ex****ix**: I'm going off the tracks again, aren't I?
**T****r****e****e**: Yes.

* Oops! Liy was going to call tree a "fucking evergreen" instead of a "fricking" one. Don't tell me Liy isn't the type to swear like a sailor, though!
* Vitas were going to be up for elimination (sending Winner off instead of whoever's going to be leaving next episode). I decided to change it, even though it was *extremely predictable* that U would lose, because Winner had a surprisingly large rôle in this episode and I don't want to see them go just yet.

## Notes

1. ↑ I remember reading that in a naming book. Or was it "Mary" that had that meaning?
2. ↑ I'm sorry! If my computer was working, I would have made a note of which teams lost every episode so I don't have to make any suspicious repeat offenders!
3. ↑ No, he's not a native signer, but he learned it from Black Hole. Somehow.
4. ↑ If your name is actually "C-Dawg", I apologize.
5. ↑ They teach math, not English!
6. ↑ Though reformed, GB still has trouble admitting her academic faults.
7. ↑ It wouldn't be until 1987 or so when white boy rappers (like Vanilla Ice and the Beastie Boys) became popular.
8. ↑ There's a moral lesson in this. I'm sure many of you know what that is by now.
9. ↑ Oh yeah, Roboty's thing is getting interrupted all the time.
10. ↑ If the link isn't working for you, it's the one that starts like this: "bschkrrrkkpkkrrrkkpkkrrr...

**Fake TPOT** [V]