Support Box does Christmas

Support Box Does Christmas is the fifth Bean Cafe Cinema Special.

## The Episode

(support box and question box are seated in a room with a man who is giving a powerpoint presentation)

Support Box, Question Box, it's been a great year! Viewship has increased by an excellent amount! Support Box, you've been scoring well in polls with men ages 18-40!

THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!

Unfortunately, we've seen some decline with mothers and children.

wait WHAAAAAT?! BUT I LOVE MOTHERS AND CHILDREN! MY OWN MOTHER IS A MOTHER!

Well, they think you're a bad influence! Might be because of the Cheesy Does It trial...

HEY, ACCORDING TO THAT JUDGE AND THE GOVERNMENT I DID NOTHING WRONG!

*how about me, statistics guy? how am i doing in the polls?*

(the man reads through a sheet of paper)

Question Box, you're still popular with viewers aged 60 and up.

*aw come on! i came up with the question burger! i should be swimming in fans by now!*

According to the polls, you remind the older viewers of a block of cheese. The burger didn't help.

WOMEN ARE INDOCTRINATING THEIR KIDS TO HATE ME AND QUESTION BOX'S FANBASE CAN DROP DEAD ANY DAY NOW! WHATEVER, THEIR LOSS! THOSE SQUIRTS WILL START SEEING SENSE WHEN THEY GET OLDER! COME ON QUESTION BOX, WE NEED TO GET READY FOR THAT CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS PARTY!

(the powerpoint screen changes so now five people in the shadows are on screen)

Not so fast!

*oh snap, its the board of directors! how did you do that?*

We have eyes and ears everywhere, Question Box. You two can't just leave money on the table!

WHEN THE CROWD ZIGS, SUPPORT BOX ZAGS! I DIDNT GET FAMOUS BECAUSE I PANDERED TO ANYONE! ESPECIALLY BABIES!

Riveting speech, but as your bosses we're forcing you to tap into your untapped markets! And we know just how to do it!

We noticed that your show is the only one on the channel that doesn't have their own holiday special! I can see it now, Support Box and Question Box spreading holiday cheer!

no...NO I WONT ALLOW IT! WE ALWAYS TAKE A FEW DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS OFF!

This is more important!

yeah well...QUESTION BOX AND I ARE JEWISH! IT GOES AGAINST OUR FAITH TO PARTAKE IN THAT...BLASPHEMOUS TRADITION! ISNT THAT RIGHT QUESTION BOX

*yeah boss! allahu akbar!*

QUESTION BOX YOU IDIOT THATS ISLAM!

It's settled then! You two will spend Christmas Eve filming yourselves spreading Christmas cheer! The mothers and children will eat it up!

YOUR EXCELLENCIES, PLEASE IGNORE QUESTION BOX HES A CHEESEHEADED NITWIT! THIS IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT GODS CHOSEN PEOPLE!

(the presentation screen goes black)

*sorry boss! i mixed up my abrahamic religions!*

IM ABOUT TO GO ABRAHAMIC ON YOUR SKULL QUESTION COCK!

(support box charges at question box, who flees the room)

LATER...

(support box and question box are on the set of the show. the stage is sprinkled with imitation snow and a christmas tree is behind the couch. the last of the studio audience members are taking their seats. question box is wearing a green and red suit with a bowtie on his head)

THIS IS THE PITS, QUESTION BOX! HOW COULD THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS DO THIS TO US?! DO THEY KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I BRING IN ALONE?!

*don't be like that, boss! we're making support box history today! it's gonna be a great christmas special!*

question box you're acting way too enthusiastic about this. don't tell me you WANTED to do this special all along...

(question box averts his gaze and support box moves closer)

right, question box? YOU DIDNT INTENTIONALLY ROPE US INTO THIS STUPID HOLIDAY SPECIAL, RIGHT?!?!

*ALRIGHT FINE I DID! im sorry boss, its just that rosco is bringing his family to my moms house and i cant stand that guy!*

GOD QUESTION BOX YOU FUCKED ME YET AGAIN! I THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET WORSE THAN YOU HELPING EARL STEAL MY SHOW, BUT THIS DOES IT!

(support box flies at question box yet again)

Now now, Support Box! Looks like you need to get into the Christmas spirit!

(support box stops mid-air and turn around to see a group of three women in christmas attire)

DO I KNOW YOU??

We're the Diversity, Equity and Inclusion officers for the studio! The board of directors had us come in to oversee the episode and make sure that things run according to plan!

(another chimes i n)

With 100% enthusiasm and Christmas cheer!

(the third one points at support box)

And so far, it looks like we have a problem here!

LISTEN UP HO HO AND HO, ITS BAD ENOUGH THAT I HAVE TO FILM ON A HOLIDAY! IM DRAWING THE LINE AT HAVING YOU THREE STOOGES FOLLOWING ME AROUND!

(the three diversity look at each other)

Well, if you're gonna be that way, then I guess it's time to take off the kiddie gloves!

(the second one reaches into her pocket and pulls out a written contract)

Need we remind you that the board has mandated that throughout the duration of the special, you must maintain your positivity numbers at a certain level!

Or else...

(all three talk at the same time)

No Christmas Bonuses!

(support box and question box gasp)

*n-n-no christmas bonus?! but i already spent that money on new suits!*

THIS IS MADNESS! ITS UNCONSTIUTIONAL! AND HOW THE HELL ARE YOU HR HARPIES GONNA GAUGE POSITIVITY LEVELS?!

You just leave that to us, Support Box!

Now you better get ready, you're on in 5 seconds!

And be on your best behavior! Santa isn't the only one who's watching!

(as the DEI officers walk away, support box grumbles)

lord give me strength...

(support box and question box get into position just in time for the cameraman to give them the go ahead)

*WELCOME BACK TO SUPPORT BOX, THE SHOW WHERE WE TALK ABOUT SUPPORT BOX! TODAY IS THE FIRST HOLIDAY SPECIAL IN SUPPORT BOX HISTORY! LETS MAKE SOME NOISE, PEOPLE!!*

*(the crowd claps and cheers)*

*IT'S GONNA BE A DAY FULL OF FUN AND FESTIVITIES! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BOSS?*

(as support box prepares a harsh rebuttal, he sees the dei officers looking on, clipboards in hand)

...YOU SAID IT QUESTION BOX! WE GOT A WHOLE LOTTA STUFF PLANNED FOR TODAY, SO DONT TOUCH THAT DIAL!

*BUT WHAT IS CHRISTMAS, REALLY? ITS A TIME TO BE TOGETHER WITH FAMILY, A TIME TO GIVE GIFTS AND ENGAGE IN OTHER ACTIVITES! WHAT'S YOUR EXPEREINCE BEEN WITH THE CHRISTMAS SEASON, BOSS?*

QUESTION BOX IF YOU WANNA GET A LICK OUTTA ME ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE, YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO GET A LOTTA ALCOHOL IN ME! AND SPEAKING OF ALCOHOL!

(support box leans over to the coffee table and takes a sip out a straw in a mug)

*ALCOHOL ON THE HOLIDAYS?!*

AH KEEP YOUR FESTIVE SOCKS ON QUESTION BUCK, ITS EGGNOG, IT FITS THE THEME!

*KNOW WHAT WOULDVE BEEN MORE FITTING? A NICE BIG MUG OF HOT CHOCOLATE! ADD IN SOME MILK AND A BUNCH OF MARSHMALLOWS AND YOU HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS BEVERAGE! THE BOSS AND I HAVE A SPECIAL SURPRISE FOR YOU, BECAUSE TODAY, WE'RE GONNA BE SHOOTING TO BREAK THE RECORD FOR WORLDS LARGEST MUG OF HOT CHOCOLATE! IN FRONKU CITY!*

(the audience claps and cheers as stage hands wheel in a large white mug the size of a table onstage, along with a wagon full of marshallows and hot chocolate packets)

WOW THAT LOOKS LIKE A TALL ORDER, QUESTION BOX!!

*IT IS! AND I HOPE OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE IS THIRSTY, BECAUSE WE'RE GONNA BE SHARING ALL THIS TASTY COCOA GOODNESS WITH YOU!!*

(the audience claps in celebration. one audience member is exta enthusiastic))

AW FUCK YEAH WOOOHOOOO THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!! GIMME THAT CHOCOLATEY GOODNESS BABY!!

*WOW TALK ABOUT EXCITEMENT! SOME PEOPLE JUST LOVE HOT CHOCOLATE! HOW ABOUT YOU BOSS?*

CANT GO WRONG WITH SOME WHIPPED CREAM ON TOP

*WELL WE'RE IN LUCK, BECAUSE OUR FIRST GUESTS ARE GONNA GET US JUST WHAT WE NEED! COME ON DOWN YOU TWO!*

(the studio is filled with cheers as a farmer walks on stage. walking on behind him is a cow.)

OH JESUS CHRIST QUESTION BOX ITS BULLO!

(support box notices the DEI officers shaking their heads in the audience)

i mean OH SWEET BABY JESUS IN A MANGER QUESTION BOX ITS BULLO! HE BROKE OUT OF JAIL!! SECURITY!

*WOAH WOAH WOAH TAKE IT EASY, BOSS! THATS JUST FARMER ABE AND HIS COW, BESSIE!*

(bessie moos casually)

I AM SO SORRY MR. FARMER MAN, IVE HAD BAD EXPERIENCES WITH CATTLE IN MY LIFE! ITS ALSO PARTLY WHY I FOUNDED MY RESTAURANT BOX'S BIG BURGER! SPEAKING OF WHICH!

(support box looks directly at the camera)

BOX'S BIG BURGER IS OPEN ON CHRISTMAS DAY, SO COME ON IN AND GRAB A SUPPORT BURGER FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

*SO FARMER ABE, WHY DONT YOU TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF!*

well ive been a farmer for about 30 years! ive had a lotta heifers in my career, but no one can do it like bessie can! no one makes as much milk as her, or manure!

WAIT A MINUTE FARMER ABE IS BESSIE HERE HOUSE TRAINED?? OUR UNPAID INTERNS JUST CLEANED UP THE STAGE BEFORE WE STARTED FILMING!

dont you worry mr. support box, she went to bathroom earlier!

*THAT SOUNDS IMPRESSIVE, ABE! BUT TODAY, WE'RE GONNA FOCUS ON THAT FIRST SKILL THERE! OL' BESSIE HERE IS GOING TO BE PROVIDING US WITH THE MILK AND WHIPPED CREAM FOR OUR MEGA-PINT OF HOT CHOCOLATE! THE WHIPPED CREAM WILL BE HAND MADE BY OUR STAR STAFF OF CHEFS IN THE WINGS!*

QUESTION BOX THIS ALL SOUNDS KINDA EXPENSIVE! DO WE HAVE THE BUDGET FOR ALL THIS?? AT THIS RATE WE MIGHT AS WELL CAN THE VALENTINES DAY SPECIAL! not that this years went well anyway...

*WE SURE DO, BOSS! THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS GAVE US FREE REIGN OVER THE BUDGET! WE'VE BASICALLY GOT A BLANK CHECK!*

MAKES SENSE, THEY CAN JUST PRINT MORE MONEY WHENEVER THEY WANT ANYWAY! FOR ONCE, THIS DAMN LIBERAL GOVERNMENT IS WORKING IN OUR FAVOR!

*ALRIGHT FARMER ABE, WORK YOUR MAGIC!*

(a stagehand brings a stool and bucket for farmer abe and he takes his place, getting to work milking bessie)

*LOOK AT HIM GO! SHES REALLY PUMPING THAT STUFF OUT!*

(support box looks uneasy)

IM SORRY QUESTION BOX, UNLESS ITS GETTING CUT UP OR GRILLED, I CANT STAND BEING AROUND THESE THINGS! ALL I SEE IS BULLO WIGGLING HIS BUTT

*WHILE FARMER ABE AND BESSIE DO THEIR THING, WHY DONT WE GO ON A QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES!*

...

(meanwhile, at the fronku city penitentiary, bullo is watching TV in his cell)

i sure hope daddy santa claus gets me what i wanted for christmas♥

ive been such a good little bull this year♥

(earl is in bed, spooning his pillow)

YOU CAN WRITE AS MANY LETTERS AS YOU WANT, BULLO, SUPPORT BOX WILL NEVER COME FOR A CONJUGAL VISIT!

what part of ive been a good little bull dont you understand♥

santa has to get me what i want now♥

SANTA ISNT REAL, BULLO! IF HE WAS, I WOULD BE OUT OF THIS BITCH, ENJOYING SOME CRUNCHYROLL AND CHILL WITH MY WAIFU! INSTEAD I GOTTA WATCH POKEMON, THE FAST FOOD OF ANIME!

(earl squeezes his pillow)

oh and uh can i borrow your pillow? i knocked the stuffing outta mine...again...

ugh honestly earl what is wrong with you♥

why cant you just have sex with another human like a normal person♥

this prison is full of them♥

YOURE A GAY BULL WHO REVERSE RAPES PEOPLE, YOU ARE THE FARTHEST THING FROM NORMAL HERE!

well if youre gonna be like that then no you cant have my pillow boo♥

(bullo takes a sip from a dirty cup near the toilet and changes the channel. support box is on screen next to bessie as the show prepares to go to commercials)

wait whats going on here♥

what is support box doing with that cow♥

(bessie looks at support box and moos. support box shutters)

no...this cant be real♥

that cow is trying to steal my support box from me♥

BULLO COME ON CAN WE GO BACK TO POKEMON

i will not stand for this♥

support box is mine and mine alone and i need to show the world that♥

(bullo looks to the wall and backs up, then charges at it. he slams face first into the wall and stumbles away from it)

i dont care how long it takes, im gonna see my support box for christmas♥♥♥

(as bullo runs into the wall over and over, earl takes the chance to slowly reach down and grab bullo's pillow, beginning to cut an opening with the sharpened end of a toothbrush)

...

(back on the set, support box and question box are sitting on the couch waiting for the commercial break to end)

*so far, so good, amirite boss?*

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU QUESTION BOX! I SHOULDN'T BE STUCK HERE IN THE STUDIO!

*DONT BE LIKE THAT, BOSS! WE'RE A QUARTER OF THE WAY THROUGH! AND THESE NEXT SEGMENTS ARE LOW STRESS! JUST LET ME DO THE TALKING!*

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU HAVE PLANNED?

(question box darts his eyes around before leaning in)

*look around, boss, what're you seeing?*

kids?

*and with those kids are?*

parents?

*and some of these parents are by themsel--*

WILL YOU GET TO THE POINT?!

*single mothers, boss! available women whose boyfriends are out of the picture! women who are in need of financial security, which i can provide!*

QUESTION BOX YOU STILL LIVE WITH YOUR MOM!! HOW WILL YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO THEM?!

*thats the best part, i dont have to! she knows her options are limited!*

know what question box, do what you wanna do. long as you dont involve me! i just wanna keep drinking my eggnog and wait out the clock

*of course, boss!*

(the boxes get the countdown and prepare to go back on the air)

*AAAAND WE'RE BACK TO THE SUPPORT BOX CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! BEFORE WE LEFT, FARMER ABE HERE WAS GETTING US SOME MILK AND CREAM STRAIGHT FROM THE TEET!*

yesirre, question box! we're just about done here! she's got us 3 buckets of milk!

*DID YOU HEAR THAT, FOLKS?! 3 BUCKETS OF MILK! THAT'S LIKE...THREE WHOLE BUCKETS MORE THAN WE HAD EARLIER! LETS GIVE IT UP FOR FARMER ABE AND BESSIE!*

(the studio audience claps and cheers for the duo as farmer abe takes a bow. bessie moos. two stagehands come up to grab the buckets)

*NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR PEOPLE TO WORK THEIR MAGIC AND PREPARE THE WHIPPED CREAM AND MILK FOR THE BIGGEST MUG OF HOT CHOCOLATE IN THE WORLD! IN FRONKU CITY!*

(as farmer abe and the stagehands leave the stage, support box breathes a sigh of relief)

*NOW FOR OUR NEXT ACTIVITY! THIS ONE IS DEDICATED TO THE LITTLE PEOPLE! LITERALLY! WE HERE ON SUPPORT BOX LOVE CHILDREN! SO WE THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD BE A GREAT IDEA TO BRING A CHILD UP HERE TO BE OUR SPECIAL HELPER!*

THATS RIGHT COME ON DOWN KIDDIES! WHICH ONE OF YOU WANTS TO TAKE MR. QUESTION BOX'S JOB?

(as a swarm of children and their parents stand up and raise their hands, question box looks at support box)

*HAHA BOSS I JUST LOVE OUR WITTY BANTER SOMETIMES! YOU WERE JOKING RIGHT? RIGHT??*

(support box ignores the question and leans closer to question box)

alright question box how do you tell which women are single mothers?

*trust me boss, i have an built-in single mom radar! im like jaws swimming around looking for my prize!*

(question box scans the crowd carefully)

*see that one over there? she's got a ring on her finger, which means no go!*

*and that other one over there is dressed too well to be single! shes not trying to attract any potential mates!*

sheesh, all that info from a shirt?

*i watched a lot of pick up artist videos, they can teach you a lot about human nature!*

(question box keeps on looking until he lands his eyes on a woman with tattoos running up her arms. he licks his pinky and his thumb then slides them over his eyebrows)

*she's PERFECT!*

question box she looks like a mens bathroom stall!

*thats how you know she's the one! and most importantly, no man in sight! HOW ABOUT YOU, MISS! COME ON DOWN WITH YOUR CHILD!!*

(the audience claps as the excited woman and her child go on stage)

*Wow, this is so exciting! Brayden, whnat do we say to the nice hosts?*

(brayden is a nine year old with black hair wearing a blue jacket. he picks his nose)

you two look weird! and how does the floating one poop and pee?

(support box puts on a forced smile)

WELL ARENT YOU A CURIOUS LITTLE BEAVER! IM CERTAIN MR. QUESTION BOX MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE!!

(question box has a smile on his face as he looks at the mother)

*OH YES I DID! WHY DONT YOU TWO TELL US ABOUT YOURSELVES!*

Well, my name is Suzanne! I'm a yoga instructor, so I help stretch people out!

*oh god i bet you do...*

Huh?

*i mean I BET YOU DO A GREAT JOB HELPING PEOPLE EXERCISE!*

*H-HOW ABOUT YOU TWO TELL US WHAT YOUR FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT CHRISTMAS ARE?*

I really like the snow! It's perfect for skiing!

*WOW WHAT'RE THE ODDS! I LOVE SKIING TOO! HOW ABOUT YOU, BRAYDEN?*

well uhhhhhhhhh i like watching the christmas specials on tv...

(brayden stares at support box)

can you do any cool tricks? like flips and stuff?

*HE SURE CAN! HEY BOSS, DO A BARREL ROLL!*

QUESTION BOX YOU CAN TAKE YOUR VIDEO GAME REFERENCES AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR YELLOW

*COME ON PEOPLE LETS GIVE HIM SOME ENCOURAGEMENT! BARREL ROLL! BARREL ROLL!*

(question box starts chanting and the crowd joins in. the DEI officers look on approvingly. question box leans next to support box)

*come on boss, think of the approval ratings with women and their kids!*

alright, fine...

(support box rolls on his side back and forth. the crowd cheers)

QUESTION BOX I DONT KNOW IF ITS THE EGGNOG KICKING IN BUT IM LIKING THIS ATTENTION

(support box does a few flips and the crowd keeps clapping)

*YEP AS YOU CAN SEE, HE'S STILL GO IT! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, BRAYDEN?*

its pretty cool, but uhhhhhhhh could he fly through an obstacle course???

*i dunno, buddy! it'll take a bit of time to set something like that up!*

(suzanne gets closer to Question Box and tugs his arm)

Oh, please, Question Box? It would make him really happy to see it!

(question box gives her a goofy smile)

*OH WHAT THE HECK! STAGE HANDS, LETS SET UP AN OBSTACLE COURSE FOR SUPPORT BOX!*

(support box's eyes widen)

QUESTION BOX IVE BEEN DRINKING THIS EGGNOG FOR A WHILE, I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD IDEA

*YOU'RE RIGHT BOSS, WE SHOULD GET YOU DRESSED UP FOR THE OCCASION! STAGE HANDS, GET US A FITTING COSTUME! do it for the ratings boss!*

(support box looks out to the cheering crowd and sees the DEI officers giving him a thumbs up. he takes a long drink from his mug and nods his head)

ALRIGHT IM IN! im sending you the hospital bill if anything happens

*THATS THE SPIRIT! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!*

...

(meanwhile, back in the fronku city penitentiary, bullo is still slamming his head against the wall. his nose is swollen. earl looks on)

LOOK MR. BULLO ITS NO USE! THAT WALL IS SUPER DUPER FORTIFIED! THERES NO WAY YOU'LL BE ABLE TO BREAK OUT!

(bullo shakes his head to stave off the pain)

never say never baby♥

i just need to use my head♥

ISNT THAT WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING FOR A WHILE NOW???

time for some bullo math♥

(bullo stares at the wall and ponders his situation. he notices that there are cracks where his head hit the wall. an idea pops up in his head)

thats it baby♥

get over here earl♥

i need to ram the wall with something big enough to make enough of an impact♥

WAIT A MINUTE! YOU WANNA USE MY BODY TO BUST THROUGH THAT WALL?!?!?

thats right boo♥

with all that fat you wont feel a thing♥

NO WAY IM NOT CHOJI THATS GONNA HURT LIKE HELL!

earl you better get over here♥

or ill get angry♥

you know what happens when i get angry♥

OH GOD NO PLEASE MR. BULLO DONT SQUEEZE YOUR ASSCHEEKS AND RIP MY DICK OFF LIKE YOU DID THAT OTHER GUY!

(earl rolls out of bed and waddles to bullo, who bends down for him to get on his head)

alright boo brace yourself♥

(bullo paws at the ground before charging at it. earl screams in anticipation)

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

(bullo and earl make contact with the wall. the additonal weight of earl is enough to bust through the wall. the two are now exposed to the open air of fronku city. the sun is beginning to set)

thanks boo♥

you big boys are bad after all♥

oh god i think i bruised my spleen...

(bullo bends down again and drops earl on the ground)

support box my love bullo is coming for you♥♥

(bullo charges away from the penitentiary, leaving earl lying on the ground)

somebody call my mom...

...

(the support box set is in a frenzy as support box floats at the starting line for the makeshift obstacle course. there are rings for him to fly through. on his head are a pair of antlers)

*WELCOME BACK AGAIN, FOLKS! WE'VE GOT THE BOSS HERE READY TO ROLL! HE'S GOT TO FLY THROUGH ALL THESE RINGS TO WIN! HOW DO YOU FEEL, BOSS? NERVOUS? CONFIDENT?*

i feel like im gonna kill you after this question box ANTLERS, REALLY? YOU KNOW WHAT THESE REMIND ME OF RIGHT?

(question box nervously turns away to suzanne and brayden)

*THINK HE'S GOT WHAT IT TAKES, YOU TWO?*

this is pretty cool, mr. question box! thanks for bringing me, mommy!

(brayden hugs his mother's leg and she smiles at question box)

You're the best, Question Box! No one's been able to make him smile like that!

*YEAH WELL I HAVE THAT EFFECT ON KIDS! ALRIGHT BOSS, ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET, GO!*

(the crowd whoops and hollers as support box flies forward, maneuvering through stacks of chairs and other obstacles in his way. question box leans in next to suzanne)

*if i can make kids smile like this, you should see what i can do with women...*

(suzanne giggles and leans closer too)

I think I'd like to know that as well...

HEY WHATS GOING ON HERE?!

(question box, suzanne and the audience turn to the source of the yelling. a box wearing a red jacket is on the warpath from the entrance of the set)

SUZANNE WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!

(suzanne looks nervous)

It's not what you think, Gary!

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE FLIRTING WITH ANOTHER BOX ON LIVE TELEVISION

AND ITS QUESTION BOX?! OF ALL PEOPLE?! WE'RE DIVORCED FOR 2 WEEKS AND YOURE FLIRTING WITH FUCKING QUESTION BOX?!

HEY DONT USE THAT LANGUAGE IN FRONT OF BRAYDEN! GOD THIS WHY I LEFT, YOU HAVE SUCH A TEMPER!

(question box starts sweating)

oh no the one thing i didnt account for...baby daddy drama!

(support box is paying the ongoing conflict no mind as he flies through the rings)

WHEHEHE YEAH BABY LOOK AT ME GO!

(half the crowd goes back to cheering him on as the other half look on)

WELL QUESTION BOX IS MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU! HE'S FUNNY AND CHARMING

hey hold on lady we haven't known each other for that long

HES ALSO FAMOUS AND HAS MONEY! YOU THINK I HAVENT NOTICED THAT?!

IS IT MY FAULT THAT IM ATTRACTED TO MEN WHO CAN PROVIDE

I CAN PROVIDE FOR YOU BABE, ITS JUST THAT THE ECONOMY'S BEEN ROUGH! ITS HARD OUT HERE FOR A RODEO CLOWN! ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT GAY BULL TRAUMATIZED EVERY BULL IN THE STADIUM

I KNOW ITS HARD FOR YOU BUT THATS NOT GONNA FEED BRAYDEN AND I

*alright im just gonna go take a whiz until this all cools down...*

(brayden hugs question box leg)

are you my new daddy?

(an outraged gary runs on stage)

QUESTION BOX YOU PIECE OF TRASH! YOURE TEARING MY FAMILY APART! IM GONNA KILL YOU MAN

*w-w-woah woah there take it easy, brother! were both boxes here!*

IM NOT YOUR BROTHER, BUDDY! GET OVER HERE SO I CAN KICK YOUR ASS!!

(gary runs towards question box, who runs away screaming)

*AAHHHHHH BOSS HELP ME OUT HERE!*

(support box makes it to the end of the obstacle course and faces the crowd triumpantly. everyone cheers for him)

HELL YEAH THATS RIGHT SUPPORT BOX THATS HOW YOU DO AN OBSTACLE COURSE RIGHT THERE FUCK STAR FOX THIS IS THE REAL STUFF RIGHT HERE!!!

YOU GUYS WANNA SEE ME DO IT AGAIN? HUH? WANNA SEE SUPPORT BOX FLOW THROUGH THOSE RINGS?!?!?!

(the crowd yells out their approval and support box flies back into position. as he gets ready to go again, question box runs past him, trying to slow down gary with the obstacles but gary is unaffected)

LOOKS LIKE QUESTION BOX WANTS TO RACE! LET'S DO THIS THING AHAHAHAHA!!

(support box flies after gary and the screaming question box)

*MR. GARY PLEASE THIS IS A MISUNDERSTANDING! I WASNT PUTTING THE MOVES ON YOUR WIFE WE WERE ONLY CLOSE SO SHE COULD LOOK AT MY TIE!*

DONT HURT HIM GARY!

*CUT TO A COMMERCIAL CUT TO A COMMERCIAL!*

(the set workers point at their clocks and rotate their hands, indicating it's too early to call another commercial)

*I DONT WANNA GET BEAT UP ON LIVE TELEVISON! SECURITY!!*

(two guards race towards the stage and join in on the obstacle course, moving around obstacles in an effort to stop gary. eventually, they tackle him to the ground. question box comes to a halt and collapses on the couch, exhausted)

*oh man...i thought i was done for!*

(support box swoops in and lands next to question box)

*AND I KNOW FOR SURE THAT IM DONE! 2 LAPS, BABY! LETS HEAR IT FOR ME!*

(the crowd gives support box a standing ovation as the guards drag a furious gary away)

BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK QUESTION BOX, YOU'RE IN FOR A WORLD OF HURT!

(brayden runs after his father, prompting suzanne to follow after him)

Brayden honey, come back!

HOOOO WEE QUESTION BOX IM FEELING GOOD! WHATS NEXT ON THE AGENDA?

(question box sniffs the air)

*boss are you drunk?*

DRUNK ON LIFE! AHAHAHA!

(question box takes the mug and has a small sip, then nods knowingly)

*long as the DEI officers don't know...ALRIGHT EVERYONE HERE ARE SOME GUESTS WE'LL ALL ENJOY! GIVE IT UP FOR--*

(a stage hand runs over to question box and whispers something to him)

*wait what? they haven't arrived yet? you sure? ask if anyone's seen a package come in*

I SAW A PACKAGE COME IN, BUT I THREW IT OUT! HATE FANMAIL! PEOPLE SENDING THEIR UNDERWEAR IS COOL BUT ONLY IF THEY'RE GIRLS!

*you did WHAT?!*

(question box grabs support box and brings him offstage)

*BOSS THAT PACKAGE WASNT FANMAIL IT WAS OUR NEXT ACT!*

*IT WAS A BOX OF SINGING CHIPMUNKS*

WAIT WHAT

QUESTION BOX YOU PUT SINGING CHIPMUNKS IN A DELIVERY BOX?!

*YEAH AND WITH PRIORITY SHIPPING*

*BUT ITS OKAY*

*WE CAN GET THE BOX FROM THE TRASH AND SAY IT WAS TURBULENCE*

uhh question box something else you should know

the garbage truck came right before the episode started

*OH GOD NO*

*BOSS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE*

*THOSE CHIPMUNKS WERE OUR NEXT ACT*

*THEY WERE GONNA SING CHRISTMAS SONGS AND WE’D TAKE PICTURES AND STUFF*

*WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO FOR THE NEXT 40 MINUTES*

I DONT KNOW QUESTION BOX

*DAMMIT BOSS YOU AND YOUR HATRED FOR CHRISTMAS! THEIR OWNER IS IN THE CROWD, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPLAIN THIS TO HIM?! NOW WE’RE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE AND LOSE OUR CHRISTMAS BONUSES! I SPENT $2,000 ON MATCHING SUITS AND TIES! YOU SCREWED US BOSS!*

I SCREWED US??

WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DELIVER CHIPMUNKS THROUGH THE MAIL?!

*BECAUSE THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS BUYING FIRST CLASS PLANE TICKETS FOR CHIPMUNKS! THEN THEY'LL END UP WANTING THOSE PREMIUM AIRPLANE NUTS AND WHO KNOWS IF THEY'RE HOUSE TRAINED! I'D HAVE TO PAY THOSE POOPING FINES OUT OF POCKET!*

THOSE POOR CHIPMUNKS ARE PROBABLY IN CHIPMUNK HEAVEN BY NOW!

BLESS THEIR LITTLE CHIPMUNK SOULS!

*WHAT ABOUT US, BOSS?! WHOS GONNA PRAY FOR US?! WE'RE GONNA GET CANNED FOR ANIMAL ABUSE! PETA IS GONNA TEAR US APART! THIS IS LIKE MIKE VICK, BUT WORSE! EVERYONE HATES PIT BULLS, BUT EVERYONE LOVES CHIPMUNKS!*

WE NEED SOMETHING BIG TO DISTRACT FROM THE MOMENT! SOMETHING THE FANS HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!

(the boxes wrack their brains for an idea. as they think hard, question box has a flashback)

(QUESTION BOX IF YOU WANNA GET A LICK OUTTA ME ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE, YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO GET A LOTTA ALCOHOL IN ME!)

*THATS IT! BOSS, GET OUT THERE AND TALK ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE! I'LL GET SOMEONE TO DEAL WITH THE CHIPMUNKS, MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT...YEAH!*

QUESTION BOX YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT TALKING ABOUT MY LIFE! I NEED AN AIR OF MYSTERY AROUND ME TO KEEP THE EXCITEMENT GOING? WHO IS SUPPORT BOX REALLY? WHAT ARE HIS ORIGINS? HOW DOES HE

*BOSS GET OUT THEIR AND SPILL THE BEANS NOW! OR OUR LIVES AS WE KNOW IT ARE OVER! NO MORE HIGH LIFE! NO MORE VACATIONS! YOU'LL HAVE TO HANG OUT WITH REGULAR PEOPLE!*

*(support box's jaw drops)*

NOT IN A MILLION YEARS! IM ON THE CASE, QUESTION BOX!

(as support box goes back on stage, question box pulls out his phone and dials a number)

*hey vinnie, it's question box. i got some work for you...*

HEY HEY EVERYONE! SORRY ABOUT THAT, THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE OF PLANS! I WANTED TO COME ON AND HAVE A LITTLE HEART TO HEART, Y'KNOW? TALK A BIT ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE!

(the crowd collectively gasps and leans in)

MY FAMILY LOVES HOLIDAYS! AS A KID, I ALWAYS ENJOYED CHRISTMAS. EVERYONE PUT IN THE EFFORT TO MAKE IT GREAT EVERY YEAR! MY MOM WOULD MAKE THE TASTIEST HAM, DAD WOULD DO THE DECORATIONS AND I GOT TO PUT THE ORNAMENTS ON THE TREE! YOU CAN PROBABLY TELL HOW HARD THAT WAS WITH ME HAVING NO ARMS HUH?

(the crowd laughs)

BUT THE BEST PART WERE THE PRESENTS! MY PARENTS ALWAYS PUT THOUGHT INTO THEIR PRESENTS. I REMEMBER ONE CHRISTMAS WHERE MY MOM AND DAD SAW THAT I WAS GONNA AUDITION FOR THE TALENT SHOW, SO FOR CHRISTMAS THEY GOT ME A BRACE THAT COULD HOLD ONTO MY MICROPHONE. THAT WAY I COULD FLOAT AROUND WHILE TALKING! I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT CHRISTMAS! AS I GOT OLDER WE ALL GOT BUSIER AND COULDN'T DO STUFF LIKE THAT ANYMORE. NOWADAYS CHRISTMAS IS JUST A TIME FOR ME TO RUB NOSES WITH OTHER RICH PEOPLE. MAYBE THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN SO GRUMPY TODAY! ALL THIS FESTIVE FAMILY TALK REMINDS ME OF WHAT I USED TO HAVE. MOMENTS WITH FAMILY...

(support box realizes something)

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT? THATS GONNA CHANGE. IM TURNING A NEW LEAF! FROM NOW ON, IM GONNA BRING BACK THOSE CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS! IM GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS WITH MY FAMILY!

(the crowd gives support box another standing ovation for his epithany)

THATS RIGHT! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOU AND YOU!

(question box reappears on stage, putting away his phone)

*the money will be in your account as soon as the media picks up the news HEY HEY WE'RE BACK!*

QUESTION BOX, I FOUND IT! I FOUND THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! THE HOLY GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST IS FLOWING THROUGH ME!

*WELL UH THATS GREAT BOSS! AND JUST IN TIME BECAUSE I'VE GOTTEN THE NEWS THAT THE MILK AND CREAM FOR OUR RECORD BREAKING HOT CHOCOLATE IS READY!*

(the chefs, stage hands, farmer abe and bessie return to the stage, the stage hands dragging along the ingredients in massive cups)

*NOW TO PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER FOR THIS DELICIOUS TREAT! COMMENCE WITH THE PROCESS!!*

(everyone watches as the stagehands and chefs take the ingredients one by one and carefully lift them into the mug. finally, a stage hand brings a ladder and large spoon to stir and another brings a siphon. two more bring tables to hold empty mugs)

QUESTION BOX ITS ALL COMING TOGETHER

(support box sniffles)

NOTHING COULD RUIN THIS MOMENT! NOTHING AT ALL!!

(suddenly, the studio entrance doors burst open, revealing none other than bullo)

hey support box♥

didja miss me♥

OH GOD NO ITS BULLO!

thats right baby♥

i saw you with that cow whore and i couldnt just sit in my cell♥

i came to fight for you, boo♥

WHAT COW WHORE?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BULLO?!