Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things

A genuinely good movie! A tropical variant Mr. Lobo! A full house of *Cinema Insomnia* stars and guests! And a horror host crossover for the ages!

### Wraps

(The *Cinema Insomnia* term for the host segments)

**Wrap 1**

Mr. Lobo, Babs from the Front Desk, and the Pee-Nut Fairy Twins have arrived for their vacation in the Twins' native land, Obelisk Island. Miss Mittens is there, too, but sleeping one off. (According to Mr. Lobo, she regresses to her prehistoric man-eating form after particularly hard benders, and ate a few natives.) The staff play a little prank on Mr. Lobo, which causes him to go off on a diva rant about how he'll leave them all behind when his Sputter deal comes through! Then he introduces the movie, finding that the *Night of the Living Dead* piano sting has come on vacation, too. Reel 1 begins!

**Wrap 2**

Mr. Lobo tries to set up Miss Mittens for some of their classic banter, but she's too drunk on hooch and islanders to care. Mr. Lobo tries to get a rise out of her by threatening to replace her, and when she doesn't respond, he decides to venture out into the jungle and actually do it!

**Wrap 3**

The fashion in *Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things* has made Mr. Lobo nostalgic for his groovy wardrobe from the '70s, but Miss Mittens mistakenly packed his Beetlejuice pants in place of his disco chic. I mean I *say* mistakenly, but she probably just didn't care, right folks? That's our Mittens! Then Mr. Lobo and Babs from the Front Desk lead us in the Insomniacs Oath.

**Wrap 4**

Cover your ears, because Mr. Lobo's made a wardrobe change, and it is LOUD! He's wheeling and dealing and plotting to leave all his coworkers behind when he hits the big time. I think I hear uppance coming!

**Wrap 5**

Mr. Lobo must not have found any talented plants in the jungle, so he's bringing Miss Mittens in on his deal with streaming service Sputter. They have the entire Dollar Store Jason series in their library! Unfortunately she's still unimpressed. Possibly deceased.

**Wrap 6**

Mr. Lobo explains that his agent is also vacationing on Obelisk Island, and that he has an agent. THE Gernie Gonax! Mr. Lobo lists Gernie's accomplishments and qualifications, and speak of the devil, here's Gernie now, with Babs from the Front Desk and the delivery girl (Countess Bloodsugar)! I can't, in text, do justice to the physical comedy that happens, but Gernie's dead. Don't play with him, kids! Back to the movie!

**Wrap 7**

Gernie's still dead, and Mr. Lobo's still impressed by his verve. "Tough as a DOOR NAIL, they call him!" Babs and the Countess take Gernie water skiing to cover up his deadness, and Mr. Lobo throws to commercial!

**Wrap 8**

Time for *Trivia in Cinema!* Apparently, the same man was responsible for Rhinestone and Baby Geniuses, and he died a free man. And speaking of dying, here's Death incarnate! Or should I say in*bone*ate! Thank you! Back to the movie!

**Wrap 9**

Snack Bar Segment! With guest snacker, legendary horror host, Sally the Zombie Cheerleader! She's going to teach us how to make Flesh-O from a recipe by afterlifestyle guru Maggot Stew, how to spell "brains" (seventy six thousand hundred As), and how to playfully violate Mr. Lobo's bodily autonomy.

**Wrap 10**

Sally the Zombie Cheerleader's playing a little traditional island music on her boombox, and Gernie likes it! Mr. Lobo once again turns to John Stanley's Creature Features Movie Guide for some critical insight into tonight's movie, and Mr. Lobo summarizes John's review: "ouch, John. Right in the Ormsbys!"

**Wrap 11**

Mr. Lobo's having a very productive meeting with his agent. It doesn't start out great: Mr. Lobo begging on his knees; Gernie dead. But they reach a result! Miss Mittens is back in the act!

**Wrap 12**

Miss Mittens returns! And she's tonight's Reel 7 Girl?? Anya says no, and she has the canned goods to prove it! Or, I'm having a hard time following her reasoning, and so is Mr. Lobo. Is she Mr. Lobo's wife? Who can say? But she takes over Reel 7 Girl duties and takes us back to the movie!

**Wrap 13**

Anya's still here, and she wishes to promote her (and Mr. Lobo's??) comedy improv troupe, Zreaks! It's like "freaks" with a Z. Mr. Lobo does not mince words when it comes to his feelings about improv, but he nonetheless has a sombrero with words in it, and invites people in the studio to prompt a skit. The Harbinger answers the call.

**Wrap 14**

Insomniac Mail Sac! A letter has arrived from Dr. Billy (whom you may encounter on the Cinema Insomnia and OSI74TV Twitch channels!)! He sent sweet spondulicks, and he speaks for all of us with the command: "do stuff!"

**Wrap 15**

Mr. Lobo wants us to mail him at

> Mr. Lobo
> c/o OSI 74
> Box 74
> Atglen, PA
> 19310
>
>
>

and Death wants to harvest Gernie's immortal soul. Good luck to them both in their endeavors!

**Wrap 16**

Babs from the Front Desk and Countess Bloodsugar are innocently planning Gernie's schedule and choreographing his martini lunch with Tom Cruise, but the Countess may also be hatching a devious plan...

...besides new Disney Star Wars shows...

**Wrap 17**

Mr. Lobo is railing against capitalism, sweaty candy necklaces, and necrophilia. Man, doesn't he have ANY fun?

**Wrap 18**

Mr. Lobo's still trying to get through to Miss Mittens about the opportunity he's proposing, but he's learned that he'll be splitting hosting duties with other hosts, including his nemesis, Lady Skankenstein!

**Wrap 19**

Gernie's back, and he's on the job! He's negotiating with executives and sorting out rehab for Miss Mittens, and all I can say is that Babs and Countess Bloodsugar are GREAT puppeteers!

**Wrap 20**

Sputter's cutting a raw deal, but Mr. Lobo's still onboard, and still burning bridges! Gernie's still dead. The last reel of tonight's feature!

**Wrap 21**

The movie's over, and the deal has turned sour. Mr. Lobo is crestfallen. But he wants to live! Which is a shame because here comes Death. THAT'S A WRAP (21)!

### Ads

* **Duncan Hines** "Deluxe II" and "Pudding Recipe" cake mix (1980)
* **Girl Scouts**
* **Windex** (with Stiller and Meara!)
* **Chun King** Chow Mein (with Stan Freiberg and Jesse White)
* **Pampers** (Making babies marginally less disgusting since 1961)
* **U.S. Department of Health**, childhood immunization PSA starring C3PO and R2D2
* **"Rad" Abrams, Skate Board Attorney**
* **Gillette** "Vacation Travel Kit"
* **SCTV** on Nick at Nite
* **The Ad Council** PSA: VD is for everybody!
* **Space Dust** fruit candy

### Trailers

* *Weekend at Bernie's* (1989)
* *The Undertaker and His Pals* (1967)
* *Evil Dead* (1981)
* *Swiss Army Man* (2016)
* *Night of the Living Dead* (1968)
* *Children of the Corn* (1984)

### Shorts

* Mr. Lobo's interview with Terry Kiser (*Weekend at Bernie's*)

### Cast

* Mr. Lobo...Mr. Lobo
* Miss Mittens...Miss Mittens
* Countess Bloodsugar...Jessie Seeherman
* Babs from the Front Desk...Dixie Dellamorto
* Gernie Gonax...Joe La Scola
* Sally the Zombie Cheerleader...Nicole M. King
* Anya...Roxanne Guarino
* Death...Wendy Sews
* Pee-Nut Fairy Twins...Cynetra Verona-Connelly
* The Harbinger...Aaron M. Lane

### Quotes

"*This island is covered with plants that would just jump out of their figurative Sears mom jeans to have your job!*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*You don't wear pants! You don't even understand!*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Who was I talking to?*"
—Mr. Lobo, hanging up the banana
"*Streaming is like real TV, only it's over the interweb somehow..and...I don't know, I've never had six dollars a month.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Maybe Sputter will assign me a new busty adult film star sidekick to prop me up with Scotch tape and popsicle sticks and carry* Mr. Lobo *around in a bucket!*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Summoning, summoning, 'court summons,' 'Cybil summons,' 'Richard summons,' 'Russell summons def comedy jam,' 'summon lovin',' 'sum fun now,' 'dim sum,' 'sum dum gai,' 'sum of my best friends are gay,' 'sum-mon Eileen,' ah! Here we go. Listen up, children, as Uncle Mr. Wizard curdles your blood, and your Horsenmilkken, with some notes for tonight's film!*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*The wavering electronic-fantastic planet score of this movie sounds like Wendy Carlos taking a nap.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*There are more weisenheimer remarks and kosher comebacks in this film than in an entire Stiller and Meara comedy album.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*The entire film was lit with one 150 watt clamp light from a True Value hardware store in Edgewater, Florida.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*There are some pretty effective home-grown makeups in this movie. Anya was achieved by fixing up two coat hangers, tissue paper, and some googly eyes.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Do you think I could land 97 Hollywood Actor Database credits playing essentially the same character in microbudget movies by mySELF?*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*I mean, I mean, I mean I didn't, I didn't pee my...pants. I mean I don't pee my pants. Often.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*We deserve all that pity applause!*"
—Anya

### Trivia

>
> * Sally the Zombie Cheerleader is a legendary horror host in her own right, independent of *Cinema Insomnia*, and her show can be seen on YouTube as well as Tingler Television.
> * Mr. Lobo's agent Gernie Gonax is played by Joe La Scola, host of the podcast Movie Dumpster.
> * Behind-the-scenes footage of the production of the episode was streamed live on the *Cinema Insomnia* Twitch channel.
> * Fans who pre-ordered *Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things* on Blu-ray from the OSI 74 shop were given "associate producer" credits, including The Mighty Huey, who is a house cat.
> * Mr. Lobo names some of his in-universe rival hosts: Dr. Lazybones, Uncle Spookypants, and Lady Skankenstein.
> * Mr. Lobo lists some of the films in the "Sputter" streaming service's library:
> 	+ *Hockeyface 1: The Return of Dollar Store Jason*
> 	+ *Hockeyface Part 2: The Discount Continues*
> 	+ *Hockeyface 3-D: Revenge of Hockeyface*
> 	+ *Dollar Store Jason: The Final Markdown*
> 	+ *Halloween Bloody Chainsaw Baby Doll Killers*
> 	+ *Killer Bloody Halloween Doll Babies*
> 	+ *Bloody Halloween Killer Chainsaws*
> 	+ *Chainsaw Halloween Killer Bloody Baby Dolls*
>
>
> *
>
>
>

## *Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things*

### Produced by

Bob Clark
Gary Goch
Peter James

### Written by

Bob Clark
Alan Ormsby

### Cast

Alan Ormsby
Valerie Mamches
Jeff Gillen
Anya Ormsby
Paul Cronin
Jane Daly
Roy Engleman
Robert Philip
Seth Sklarey

### Runtime

87 minutes

"*I peed my pants.*"
—Jeff

1. ↑ https://www.youtube.com/c/SallyTheZomieCheerleader
2. ↑ https://www.tinglertelevision.com/
3. ↑ https://www.moviedumpsterpodcast.com
4. ↑ https://www.twitch.tv/cinemainsomnia
5. ↑ https://www.imdb.com/name/nm12648234/