The Mountain O'Gold Ritual

Do you want to get rich? Do you want to swim in actual gold? I know you do. Everyone does, but especially you. Because you are not rich. You don’t have much money, but you need them dollas, don’chu? Well, I have a solution to your monetary problem. It’s a pretty easy one at that. It doesn’t require any hard work or anything, working hard is pointless, you won’t ever get rich like that. Nah. My solution is better, and it works, 100% of the time it has produced the expected results. A person with no gold turns to a person with so much gold, they’d make Midas jealous.

There’s a caveat, though. You’ve to do something… rather dirty.

No, it’s nothing like that. I’m not trying to sell you a magic pill to enlarge organs, that’s just silicone. I am talking about getting actually dirty. Covered in blood, actually.

See, I’m not some shitty salesman trying to con you, I’m being straightforward with you.

My solution for your monetary problem, dear soulsel- I mean reader, requires the summoning of a demon.

Which demon? Oh, nobody important, just Beelzebub, the LORD OF FLIES, he took over for Mammon in Hell’s banking department.

Is there a price, you ask? Well, but of course, there’s always a price. Like I’ve said, it requires a bloody sacrifice. In order to summon our LORD, Beelzebub aka the CHAZZY CHAD Beelzeboss, you’ll have to slaughter your neighbor. Preferably one that has kids. The more kids, the better. If your neighbor has kids, you go inside their house, preferably at night. There’s a reason for that, I’ll explain later. Anyway. you tie up those kids. You tie ‘em’ up good.

Oh, it’s nothing like that, don’t worry… You don’t want the kids running around while you’re butchering their parents, do you now? Once you’re done tying your neighbor’s kids, you go to your neighbor and you start bludgeoning em’, stabbing em’, beating them with your fists for all our LORD cares. Just make ‘em’ dead and make it bloody. You also have to do it in front of the kids, by the way. The more they scream and cry – the better.

Kiddy screams attract demons. I’m not sure about the machinations of that, but uhh… just trust me. Do make sure to at least partially gag their mouths, you don’t want anyone hearing the ongoing Satanic ritual. No one but LORD Beelzeboss of course.

Also, remember how I said that the ritual is better performed at night, or generally when it’s dark? It has nothing to do with the darkness being demonic or anything. Beelzebombs just has a serious case of photophobia. His eyes get all watery and start oozing pus whenever he sees light. Divine punishment for rebelling against God or something, I don’t know.

Oh yeah, also, another very important thing, when you slaughter your neighbor in front of their children, you better play music by an awful metal artist. Awful as in a shitty person, not an awful musician. I’m talking guys like Varg Vikernes, or if you don’t like the sound of a Norwegian man who screams like a wounded Fox pretending its balls are being stabbed with a fork, you could always play some Marilyn Manson – I heard even Asmodeus wants nothing to do with that shithead.

The devil’s music and all… It’s all about the shitty artist playing some loud and bRuTaL music.

Anyhow, once you’re done butchering your neighbor, you take their blood, and with your finger and thumb, you start drawing on the floor a reverse pentagram in exactly 78 degrees to the west. On top of that pentagram, you draw, with the same blood Leviathan’s cross. Google that if you don’t know what that is. You have to draw that as if your reflection was drawing that, basically with your hands between your legs and your body facing away from the symbol as you look at the pentagram backward.

Once you’re done drawing these intricate demonic symbols, you’ve to stand in the exact polymetric center of the symbology and excrete some bodily fluid onto it. Spitting wouldn’t be enough; blood is always better, but other bodily fluids work too… if you have enough to fill a teaspoon or so. Once done, you’ve to close your eyes and chat repeatedly the following words, “Ego sum stultus impiis egredietur” The louder you chant, the better. You’ve to keep doing that until you hear an obnoxious buzzing sound coming at you from any direction. Only then you are allowed to stop chanting and to open your eyes.

If you see a large ugly, beetle-shaped man with an insane number of flies rotating around him like a bunch of drunk idiots, then you’ve earned a meeting with OUR LORD, BEELZEBUG! You must refer to him as Dominus as you address his unhallowed disgrace. Do not show any discomfort at his appearance, otherwise, he’ll stab you with his great HORN OF DAMNATION and you will suffer a fate worse than death after bleeding out to death. You must be swift and confident in your request from OUR LORD. Ask him, politely, but firmly, for all the riches he can provide and then wait. If OUR LORD has deemed you worthy, he will extend his in which there will be a fly. You must take that fly and snort it all the way. The fly must reach your brain, otherwise, the ritual won’t work. If you were deemed unworthy – Beelzebarf will spit a disgusting green liquid all over your face. It will sting your skin, like industrial salt, but it’s not that dangerous… Unless it hits your eyes, you might go blind. After spiting his last dinner in your face, Beelzebog will disappear, never to be seen by your unworthy eyes again.

Now, in the case of being deemed worthy, once you’ve snorted that fly, your head will feel funny. You’ll feel a brain freeze but don’t worry – That’s a good thing. Just close your eyes and chant “Ego sum stultus impiis egredietur” again until the pain subsides, by that point the buzzing should stop, don’t open your eyes until the buzzing stops – it’s very crucial you do! Not! Open! Your! Eyes! While OUR LORD does his unholy work. When the buzzing does stop and you open your eyes, you’ll see an obscene number of gold coins before you.

A mountain of gold!

Don’t hesitate to check it for authenticity. I promise you it’s the real deal.

Once you touch a coin, you’ll realize something incredibly profound, so profound you’ll find your brain spiriting its way into another dimension. Your jaw will drop, and your eyes will well up with burning hot salty tears. Your hands will shake, and your knees will get weak. You will collapse to the ground and wale like a Banshee on Speed. You will start choking on your tears and saliva before you crash headfirst into the ridiculously tall and soft pile of shining metal discs.

You will attempt to drown yourself in your newfound pile of gold-

Chocolate coins.

You will attempt death by chocolate coins because you will be hit so unbelievably hard by the realization that you’re a complete and utter idiot who stuck with the dead body of his neighbor and a ridiculous amount of chocolate to his name.

Oh yeah, and your soul is ours now. You’re going to hell once the cops arrive and rain upon you a BIBLICAL HAIL of bullets once they find you rolling in gold chocolate coins covered head to toe in your neighbor’s blood.

Fyi, Beelzeboing usually leaves because he hates the cops, he has an issue with authority. Also, did I say LORD OF FLIES? Oopsie... I meant LORD OF LIES, pardon my French.