Heaven's Door (GAM020)

### Starring:

Charisma Carpenter, Dean Cain, Joanna Cassidy, Tommy Duane Lister, Edward Herrmann

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Heaven's Door*** is the story of a twelve year-old girl who gets Christian sorcery powers, but her fucking muggle atheist mom won't let her cast any spells. It's basically about how atheism ruins magic, which is kind of like *The Eli Bosnick Story*.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, in an effort to be as miserable as Christians tell me atheists are supposed to be.

### **How Bad Was It?**

This movie was *surprisingly* bad—fun amounts of bad—because when I chose this movie last week I was like "Look, we just finished *Loving the Bad Man*, everyone needs a break, we need a movie that's just kind of crappy that's just got some stuff and then we make fun of…", but this movie had some surprisingly insidious terrible ideas. It was really… it was fun. It was like the Chinese government: on the outside you're like "Ah, I don't know", and then you read anything about them and you're like "Whoa, there's a lot of horrible stuff going on there. That's fun—I didn't know anything about that." It's like… if you're ever fucking someone and then about a third of the way through they ask you to do something *way* over the line for the first time fucking them? You're like "Oh yeah, you like that?", and then they're like "Cut me face!", and you're like "Oh… no, wait. That's… this is our *first* date. This is our first… we need to… there's a whole conversation that happens before this."

### **Notes**

* Charisma Carpenter was great on *Buffy the Vampire Slayer* and *Angel*.

### **Jokes**

* "And this is where we get one of my favourite lines in the movie, where she says… cause she's trying to convince her not to get a divorce: "Divorce is like death, Julie. Divorce is like a death." Divorce is like a death—those words were actually written in the fucking script. So, I just wanted to take a moment, I did write down a couple of ways that divorce *is* like a death, just so people know: divorce is like a death, sometimes it's for the best; divorce is like a death, when it happens to a baby it's sad and confusing; divorce is like a death, you get to start fucking other people and you get in trouble if you keep fucking the same person. There, I fixed it." (25:05)
* "And I thought about these three sentences for *hours*. So, here's the translation (I was going through this like I was fucking reannotating Shakespeare): 'sheep dip' is a swear word which Christians use to mean 'bullshit', so what she's saying is 'What you just said is bullshit.' That's why Charisma says 'Why?': why do you think what I said is bullshit? To which she responds 'For the same reason Halloween is no fun at a nudist colony': Halloween is no fun at a nudist colony because you can't wear a costume because no one wears clothes. The metaphor falls apart, but basically... trying to live life without God is like to trying to be Halloween when you can't wear a costume. So the answer to the problem of evil is: 'Bullshit. Why? Life is meaningless without God." You're supposed to be like 'Oh man, that wouldn't be a fun Halloween at all! What would I do on Halloween with a naked Charisma Carpenter?' " (53:50)

### **Interstitials**

* A heartfelt thank-you from Eli Bosnick (7:28)
* The Christian Movie Actor Recovery Program (1:28:16)
* Liberty University's Online School of Christian Movie News Reporting (1:29:92)

### **Tropes**

* Atheist Converts to Christianity
* Bad Sportsing
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* The Eli Bosnick Story
* Cancer Wife/God Killed My Mom/Evil Stole My Faith
* Child Visits Heaven
* Indoctrination of Children
* Jingly Keys!
* Neglectful/Godless /Abusive Parent
* Problem of Evil
* RACISM!
* Reprehensible Moral Message

```
ible Moral Message

```

* SEXISM!
* Success Is Bad
* Women Shouldn't Touch Money

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDB