recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Wurster

Frederick de Bonesby's beloved childhood butler. He is seen as warm and supportive, and seems far kinder to Frederick in his flashback than any of his family. He wishes Frederick luck in dealings with his father Otto de Bonesby, but remains loyal to the elder de Bonesby.

Frederick remembers him while inside his mind palace in O Captain, My Captain. The memories are distorted and he recalls the butler teaching and encouraging him to wield more powerful magic and turning it against his father. This form is believed to be a manifestation of The Unpleasantness distorting the memories of his manservant.
Trendy Allnight

An older cave elf and jazz singer. She is a heavy smoker and cursed to remain on The S.S. Bad News. She is a heavy smoker, but her gravely voice is a result of a curse brought on by out-singing the goddess of musical theater. She tells her story to the party while they mingle with the other guests on the ship.
The Ruleshaven Liberation Army

A group of freedom fighters committed to reclaiming Ruleshaven for its original residents and sense of lawlessness. They operate in the sewers to avoid detection. They rescue the party from Brian Fuck’s rampage by pulling them into the sewers, leading them to Ulcer Anatomies’ shop to arm themselves.

The army idolizes Bellow as their liberator from laws. They admire his attempts to modify them and for leading to the destruction of the belltower. While the party faces Brian Fuck, the army remains in the sewers to attempt to reclaim Ruleshaven after the wreckage. With Ruleshaven anihalated by The Social Call, their fate remains unknown, but at least some of their members have survived.

## Members

* Jacques Avoidoir
* Lady Blades
* The Great Misnomer
* Ramona Didi
Weather's Here, Wish You Were Beautiful

*I need a vacation...from this vacation!*

## Summary

Danny Timeshare appears to the party and Bellow’s family. Out of respect for Bellow, he summons them all to a theme park-like scene where he guides them to the front of the line for a ride. They watch a series of animatronics explain that Danny was struggling to spread vacationism due to the fact that his clerics were inherently relaxed and lazy people. Danny created the vacationized parody of Brian Doyle Falls in agreement with the citizens and using a deal with Oozer the slime god to create a non-stop vacation paradise and hopefully raise his popularity and power.

Mona breaks down after the ride, demanding that Danny tell the truth. Danny concedes that he genuinely likes Bellow and shows him what really happened. Danny’s attempt went horribly wrong and many were killed in the process of creating his “Danny Timesharangri-La.” He overexerted his power and lost control, resorting to cashing in a favor with Oozer to cover up his mistake. Oozer created a veil of slime to hide the town, creating the gelatinous cube so that Danny’s failure would not doom him in the eyes of the other gods. Danny reached out to Bellow as a cleric since he was the only resident who wasn’t in town at the time of the catastrophe, but grew to like him and tried to deter him from finding out what happened. He even reveals the decapitated head of his paladin Wartortle Spone, since he could not have him reveal what happened. Danny admits he can’t fix the problem and grants Bellow enough time to say goodbye to his family. The realm is collapsing in what he estimates to be six hours.

When the party turns on him, Danny fires off a bolt of pineapple daiquiri mix that liquidates Naughty Nico. Nico dissolves in Stirfry’s arms, telling him that they need to escape from the opposite end of the cube they entered from. Danny teleports away and the world begins to collapse around them. The party and the Gorramaels flee together with Bellow realizing they need to head to town hall to escape as the opposite point from their entry.

The party navigates the collapsing world until they reach town hall, which has turned into a sleazy motel. It is guarded by hermit crabs, one of which slices Bellow in half before he’s rescued by his sisters. They reach the motel and are greeted by Andrea Nomenclature, an old family friend who has survived the vacation chaos. She too recognizes that the cube is collapsing and leads the group up to the emergency exit. Sprinklers spray them with tropical drink mix but the massive, drawing-like flamingo head that had been looming over the horizon appears in front of them. Andrea recalls that it can appear in any body of water, horrified by the dragon flamingo’s appearance (but not enough to ignore when Bellow mispronounces her name).

## Trivia

* Much of the background music is by The Eskalators.
* The episode's title is the name of a Jimmy Buffet song and one of Bellow's vacationism spells.
Lestimony Greed

A Ruleshaven resident, upper-middle class merchant and the tallest man in his family. He runs a cigarette description store and hates that Hans Christian Pumpandsuck keeps coming to his stall to start conversations. It becomes so frequent that he forgets himself and informs Hans that by assuming, he "makes an ass out of u-m-e." People prepare for his immediate death for swearing within Ruleshaven borders, only to realize that the spell has been lifted. He begins to tell off Hans like he always wanted to, becoming one of the first to swear within the confines of Ruleshaven's magic.
Teenage Woods

A massive temperate rainforest located in the top left corner of Cordelia. It is home to many creatures and intelligent life, including owlbears, giant spiders, and fawns. After one of its main landmarks Polaris University disappears, the forest effectively consumes where the school would have been.

## Areas Within The Teenage Woods

Albee's House

The Forbidden Zone

The Nest

Lindsingham Manor

Polaris University

Sigma Sigma Sigma

The Soaking Valley
The Thin Black Line

*Bad boys, bad boys, what are you going to do? What are you going to do when they come for you?*

## Summary

The Innkeeper begins his usual narration, but finds he cannot locate his usual book. He instead draws from a tale about five Witch Hunter recruits, taking place shortly before the previous episode.

Frankie Fielder, Jason Baby, Stephanie Santangelo Gooch, Eddie Single, and Dutch Stewart introduce themselves to their superior at their assigned points at Ottersquirt. They record their names, ages and origins, but have to take some broad guesses with Jason since he is handsome enough to believe he’s only 2 days old due to the mayhem striking the Witch Hunters. They are handed over to Morris Ironside, a seasoned Witch Hunter with a peg leg. He takes the recruits to their orientation video; an illusion where John Menthol, a proud Hunter, explains their purpose.

John explains that there is a constant leak in Hell for as long as Cordelia has existed. It has been the Witch Hunters’ purpose to slay any demons and would-be summoning warlocks to prevent something called "The Unpleasantness" that is capable of wiping out large portions of Cordelia. While not all demons carry it with them, they use such extremes to protect people from the cases when they might.

The recruits are assigned their basic equipment and assignments. They are assigned their communicator gloves, which Ironside explains are bound by an interdimensional hole that leads to other gloves if you know the respective glove or channel’s number. He shows them an interrogation tent where other Hunters are interrogating a mermaid, who kills herself after warning them that a “storm is coming.” Other Hunters study a giant horseshoe remaining from an encounter with the party. As the group begins to familiarize themselves with each other, Ironside briefly leaves them to gather their assignments, landing them a comfortable post at the capital city.

The party gathers their things and settles on the boat shipping them out with promise in their futures. They hear a series of hoofbeats and footsteps overhead. Recognizing The Ruleshaven Five (and some tiefling), the Hunters spring into action. Branson roleplays the usual party members and the Witch Hunters are swiftly killed by the various criminals.

The camera returns to following the party as they finish their battle. They overhear through one of the slain Hunters’ gloves that Hot Roddy was captured during his earlier distraction, but he loudly mocks his captors and promises that he’ll soon break out.
Tim Platt's Honey Heist

A Patreon game run by Tim Platt. It uses the Honey Heist system, a game about bears planning a heist to steal honey.

## Party

Taylor Moore as Packages, the slick grizzly face in a top hat

Branson Reese as Yeehaw Holes the unhinged polar bear thief in a cowboy hat.

Joe Lepore as Babages, the retired panda driver in a flatcap

Christopher Hastings as Maurice Gib, the rookie honey badger hacker in a fez

Ali Fisher as Bearbara, the washed up black bear muscle in a crown

## Trivia

* Although it was released after Ah Dang! Mothman Won’t Move Out (He Said It Was Just For The Weekend), Honey Heist was Tim's first shot at GMing for the show

## Links

Episode (patreon content): https://www.patreon.com/posts/tim-platts-honey-55251223

Teaser: https://rudetalesofmagic.simplecast.com/episodes/teaser-tim-platts-honey-heist
The Gravefreaker

*"Attend this tale both crass and tragic*

*That we shall call Rude Tales of Magic."*

A cursed individual who narrates intros and outros to episodes starting with It's Fly Time, Baby. He is a rotting creature who finds Rude Tales of Magic strange and troubling, but "reads" it to the listener anyway. He reads from a tome chained to his body, and is genuinely concerned with being eaten by carrion. He frequently enjoys heckling the audience and considers them perverts.

He is voiced by Branson Reese, whom he views more highly than God.

At the start of Weird Times In Piss Harbor, The Gravefreaker explains further context of his fate. Branson Reese himself visits him to unchain him from his tome, only to replace it with a gun magazine containing monthly stories of this season's plot. When Gravefreaker asks about a raise, Branson is surprised that he gets paid at all.
The Camera

A narrative tool that is sometimes treated as very literal in the podcast's narrative. Many scenes are treated as cinematic, including wipes, zooming in and use of drones for overhead shots. Cameras zooming and panning have caused physical harm to objects throughout the show, such as breaking open windows to obtain a shot. At least one cameraman has died filming the series. Frederick even acknowledges it when the camera attempts to pan away from his nudity, demanding that it stay and watch.
Yuletide Kombat Family: CHEF EDITION

The 2022 holiday episode run by Tim Platt. It is held in the same system as Tim Platt's Yuletide Kombat Family Holiday Special.

## Summary

Tim introduces the game, explaining that due to some complaints by the contestants and some concerns raised by Abraham nearly killing Isaac, the judges of Yuletide Kombat agree to add a cooking segment to the annual tournament. Fighters will have to create dishes using ingredients salvaged on the battlefield.

Carly and Joe face off first, battling each other with the couple from The Gift of the Magi and Colonel Sanders (as KFC is a Japanese tradition) versus The Leaping Lord and the brother from a popular Folgers coffee commercial fighting in Ebenezer Scrooge's office. The couple is gradually eliminated by Couple Damage based on Tim's concern over the story's message, and the Leaping Lord finishes off Colonel Sanders' replica Gundam by merging with his other 9 lords into a mech of their own. They gather a turkey, duck and chicken in the process.

Ali and Chris face off on an airplane the day before Christmas. Ali uses Rowan the jeweler from Love Actually and Stephanie Zinone dressed as a Chirstmas tree from Grease 2. Chris combats her with Jack Skellington and the JC Penny's catalog with big buff man arms and legs. Ali's growing British Damage and using the original script of Love Actually where Rowan was secretly an angel overwhelms Chris's team. She gathers some peanuts from the plane to use in the competition.

In the final fight, Branson plays as Aslan the lion and Lord Freiza (because he read on a forum that the battle with Frieza took place on Christmas Eve). Chris and Carly play as Joseph (Jesus' father) and Chris as the leg lamp from A Christmas Story. Aslan battles his opponents and finishes Joseph off before nobly sacrificing himself in his Super attack (dying in a longwinded scene). This sets up Lord Frieza to step in, but the leg lamp goes Super Saiyan to counter him. The two take up so much time charging up that the timer runs out, leaving them tied. they gather ingredients of Turkish delight and Easy Bake Oven baking mix.

In the cooking competition, they use their ingredients to prepare dishes for the judges. Their dishes are met with various reception but when Frieza presents his Turkish Delight, he also deploys his Pokeball. It contains a simple letter from Tim Platt offering to donate his month's earnings to Branson. His parents rise from the audience and confirm his signature. Tim Platt himself is destroyed, ending the game.

## Links

* Episode: https://rudetalesofmagic.simplecast.com/episodes/yuletide-kombat-family-chef-edition
The Assassin

A strange, well-dressed, human-looking woman that stalks the party in Rude Tales of Magic. While incredibly fast and agile, her movements can be erratic and inhuman. She mainly speaks in screeches and very short words and has little interactions with anyone outside of violence. She wields a rapier with particular skill.

Her first appearance is in the post-credits of Dial E for Elf. She is drinking at The Delighted Wife, downing her entire mug with her strangely wide mouth. Rochambeau attempts to flirt with her, but she completely ignores him. When he looks at the note that lists the party members as her targets, she slices his throat and is ejected from the bar.

The nameless assassin appears in A Murder of Crows when the party spends the night at Scrum North. She begins to murder members of The Bloody Bloody Gentlemen until she finds the main cast. She battles with Bellow and Albee before escaping to the roof. Stirfry convinces Amscray and Getouttahere to steal her rapier, disarming her as she resorts to holding Egg hostage. Albee uses her elemental powers to blast them with wind, launching them both off into the trees. The assassin briefly tries to flap her arms to fly before shouting in panic as she falls.

The assassin would not return until the episode Hell and Back. She drops out of a tree where she ambushes the party while they are swapped into each other's bodies. Cordelia catches her in Thomas Mitchell's magical net, causing the woman to obey Cordelia. They extract that she was once a seagull, cursed to turn into a human body due to eating another seagull. She hates being unable to fly and be her true form, but an unknown creature appeared to her and offered her a way back. If she can kill the five party members, they would restore her body. Albee realizes that since they need to reach Hell anyway, she offers to let the assassin kill them once they reach Polaris University. She ends up severely injured by the party and Flipcup before she falls into the nearby river, floating away.

When the party arrives at Polaris, the assassin arrives and accepts Albee's offer, impaling her and Cordelia and Albee on her blade before being turned back into a seagull.

## Trivia

* Although the assassin knows the party's names based on her note, she stiffly reacts to each of them by saying their short description. She refers to them as Devil, Crow, Bones, Big, and Fawn.
* Albee described the assassin as having jerky, "birdlike" movements. When the killer is knocked off of Scrum North, she even attempts to flap her arms like wings before panicking.
* The assassin says that she had no intention of eating the seagull meat when she was cursed, believing it to be chicken.
Something That’s Not Written Down

A kindly old woman who lives at the sepia tone house in Brian Doyle Falls at the edge of the gelatinous cube. She is Nicotine Tones' wife, but she is not especially bothered to learn of his fate so long as he was loyal to the end. She often tends to drunks who wander in needing to sleep things off.

She does not clarify if this is actually her name, but the party refers to her as such.
Soaking Valley

A small city located inside the Teenage Woods.

It is densely populated with various species, including orcs, centaurs, bugbears, and kenku. It is full of dangerous sorts and criminals, to the point where no one takes notice when news reports that crime is at an all time high in the city. The tavern known as The Delighted Wife is located within its borders.
The guards in The Soaking Valley are shamelessly corrupt, quick to shake down passersby with false accusations to force fines out of them. Their laws are apparently different from other regions of the world. Using offensive magic on a town guard is considered illegal, as is breaking into jail. They also don't take kindly to killing their fellow guardsmen.

The party visits The Soaking Valley after Casper tells them that Albee's family said they would be heading there.

## Trivia

* Encyclopedia Cordelia suggests that the locals guards are remnants of the original Peacekeepers that served the former Cordelian Empire.
Twice-Damned Regina

*"I'm a sea dwarf. I have an enormous hat. Those are the notes about me!"*

A sea dwarf and pirate captain of The Lusty Conversation. She is missing both of her legs and had them replaced by peg legs.

Regina spends her appearance in Married To The Sea wishing to find someone to be her partner. She attempts to throw food overboard to attract a mermaid as a mate, but the party discovers that mermaids are not monogamous. She claims her only desire is to marry someone who she can relate to, by which she means they do not have normal legs. She nearly marries Albee Dawn and the leviathan that attacks her ship before she ends up marrying a random mermaid in the finale.
The Purring and Cherished Family Pet

A bar near the edge of The James Woods. It is owned and run by the kindly The Friend Man. While it is a popular location, business is terrible since Friend Man doesn’t charge for their service and lets customers do nearly whatever they want. Things only got worse when The Unelected Chorus tore through their bar, ruining the majority of the building.
Tony

Caleb Dark's father who is the source of his werewolf heritage. While he stands against the vampires at any opportunity, he wishes no harm to his vampire-loving son. He claims that Caleb's mother was killed by vampires when she set a single foot inside Transylvania, but the truth is that she was a vampire herself in a case of forbidden love.

Tony poses as a Lyft driver when the party needs to cross the river in New York. He drives off the bridge to try and kill them, since werewolves are longstanding enemies of the vampires and allies of mummies. He gives up on opposing their plan and even returns in the finale, driving his Lyft into the giant mummy head. He survives the crash and tells Caleb of his secret origins as a half-vampire, half-werewolf.
Wartortle Spone

*"All will be calm before me. None shall tremble. All will breathe a sigh of relaxation or taste my steel!"*

An extremely large, dedicated and aggressive paladin of vacationism. While only serving for two weeks, he is adamant and ready to die for his faith and any of his comrades. Fortunately, he quickly spots Bellow and the party as friends. He is a massive man in chainmail, but wears a puka shell necklace and suntan lotion as signs of his faith.

Wartortle abandoned his family to answer the call of Danny Timeshare, swearing to spend his life serving his order after what he considers a waste of his time elsewhere. He has never actually spoken to the god, but attempts to take his teachings very seriously (probably more seriously than they were meant to be). Upon hearing that Bellow has met the god of vacations himself, he admires the tiefling as his dearest friend and hero.

He happens upon the party, believing Stirfry and Frederick to be monsters attacking them. Bellow recognizes him as a fellow vacationist, and agrees to camp for the night with him. They share in his bottomless wineskin of sangria, which he offers to give to them if they help him slay some sirens that have been driving travelers mad with their song. He demands to be exposed to their song and lashed to the largest party member (Bellow turned into a horse). He quickly falls for their spell, exposing Bellow to it as well in a confused attempt to help him hear it. He is ultimately stopped in his efforts too late when Cordelia casts Deafness upon him.

They dispatch the sirens and part ways with Wartortle. They do not meet him again until he meets Danny himself, who silences the paladin before word of his plans can spread.

## Trivia

* Wartortle is named after a Pokemon. Similarly, his father was named Blastoise Spone and his son Squirtle Spone; the latter and earlier evolutions of Wartortle. He says his wife is named Female Wartortle Spone.
* His favorite smell is blood. His favorite suntan lotion scent is coconut.
* Despite being a relatively new paladin, he wields some powers similar to Bellow's such as turning enemies who are on the job.
Thirsty Falls: Part 2

*Thank you for visiting Thirsty Falls. We ask that you please refrain from throwing objects, such as coins, ropes, or any flammable substances into the canyon. Please keep all sunbathing and other activities at least 20 feet from the canyon rim. Together, we can ensure that Thirsty Falls remains a destination for generations of friends and family to come. Have a great day!*

## Summary

Having just escaped the collapsing bridge of Thirsty Falls, the party collects themselves at the far side of the magical falls. SERVANT possesses the body of a huge reptile, grabbing Ivan, Cordelia, Albee and Stirfry in its massive neck. They are dragged back into the falls, where they are mostly unharmed but unable to escape. The party tries a number of methods, and even their more successful ones are foiled by SERVANT as he inhabits one of the countless skeletons to interrupt them. Bellow urges Count Ivan to turn into a bat to fly away, but he reminds him (during his looping falls) that the sunlight would kill him.

When SERVANT boasts about how it lives in everything dead, Frederick de Bonesby manages to goad him into possessing his own skeletal body. SERVANT does so briefly before being repelled and saying that he cannot possess him as life still courses through his body. They consider Count Ivan, who reminds Stirfry that there is no committing yourself halfway and willingly opens himself up to SERVANT's influence. The demon possesses him since he is technically dead, but it quickly becomes a struggle to control the body between Ivan, SERVANT, and Ivan's unconscious alter ego Blaine. Stirfry and Albee try to take off his hoodie to destroy him with SERVANT inside, and when he realizes what's going on, Ivan sacrifices himself and takes off his hood. He faces the sun for a moment before he bursts into flames, taking SERVANT with him to Hell.

The party is left falling and realizing they still have no way to maneuver across the cliff. Stirfry spots a buzzard that gets picked off by a massive flying creature, recognizing it as Flipcup. He shouts for his attention before Cordelia reasons with him to come help them. The young but massive bearowl scoops them up and carries them the rest of the way across. The party comforts each other and mourns Ivan before mounting up to ride on. Upon mention that no one has named their third remaining scorpion, Frederick dubs it Blaine. The rest of the party agrees that this is in poor taste.

## Link

https://rudetalesofmagic.simplecast.com/episodes/thirsty-falls-part-2
The Two Seasons

A luxurious apartment in Piss Harbor named for the notion that there are only two seasons in the sunny city. There is a Johnny Rockets on the ground floor.

Terry Surgery maintains a room there with his wife, Rebecca Yesterday.

## Trivia

* The Two Seasons is a play on the real world equivalent of The Four Seasons hotels.
Velveteen

An ogre who serves as a pitfighter for the Payola courts. He is known as their most fearsome competitor in trial by combat, but is actually quite friendly and sensitive. He is Butter St. Beef’s opponent in his trial by combat after spitting on a judge, who he holds a pleasant conversation with as they beat each other around the arena. They exchange blows for a time before Butter enters a violent frenzy. Velveteen yields just before he is murdered by Butter’s horns.

Velveteen is sensitive about his personal hygiene and despite his monstrous roar, is hurt when Butter comments on his rancid breath.
Touch Rustrod

An interrogating officer for the Peacekeepers. He is a centaur and self-proclaimed bad cop, having had both his hearts broken in the past. Despite being a loose cannon, he admits he does not get results.

He is in charge of interrogating Deli after she murders a horse to search it for trinkets. He finds himself liking her despite her causing him nothing but trouble, finding her glee in her chaotic behavior infectious. He gets her to confess, only to find that the recording kenku was distracted on the other side of the one-way mirror. He leaves to get things back in order, allowing Snake Professional to make his offer and her lawyer Detritus Cole to free her from the interrogation.

## Trivia

* His name is a reference to the Space Mutiny episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Branson assumed this would be obvious.
Stampede Canyon

A deep gorge in the Teenage Woods where cattle stampede through it at all hours of the day. Nobody is certain where they came from, what they're eating or why they're so riled up.

Cum Dangle leads the party there as a means of getting to Scrum North. The way is too far to jump so he gets them across by letting them ride wolves slapped in the balls to leap the gorge. Cum later informs Albee that there is a much safer road around the gorge slightly out of the way that he chose to ignore.
The Empty Neck

A New York vampire bar featured in Blood Tales of Depravity 2. It is a secretive, hedonistic place that mainly caters to vampires while occasionally luring in an unaware human to devour or a random monster to mingle with them. Anonymous sex is commonplace for the immortal customers, and mirrors are left up just for decor since they don't reflect most of their kind.
Torrin

*"That's just the times that the boot hits me! Half as often, the hole in the sole in the boot is light enough that I go right through it like the thread in a needle!"*

A scrappy-haired 12-year-old high elf and party member in Come At The King. She is played by Carly Monardo. She goes by the nickname Skunk and has a mouse friend she named Old Glove.

Torrin is one of many homeless children and orphans in Filet Town. She was close friends with The Beautiful Avoider, but "Avy" abandons her early in the campaign. She is recruited to the party for her magical prowess, but she refuses the vast wealth Snake Professional offers her in exchange for him opening a benefit for orphans and homeless people instead. Torrin feels neglected by Payola and the empire, and is glad to try to instigate some change.

Torrin is crafty and ruthless when she needs to be. While young, her life on the streets of Payola have taught her to be tough and resourceful. She readily cons people using her youth and small size as a weapon to appear more helpless than she is, but will also comment that she appears to be the most mature person in the entire party. This does not keep the others from still questioning her due to her youth.

## Relationships

Torrin has grown up on the streets for as long as she can remember. She remains opportunistic and wary of others, willing to make friends but preparing for the worst in others. She had been longtime friends with Avy, feeling betrayed by him when he leaves her behind to become wealthy instead of living with her. By the end of the series, she stands by him but learns that he is unreliable and untrustworthy when the chips are down.

Torrin becomes quick friends with Deli and her fun-loving nature. They share a room in Smellulus' house and even share a costume when attending The Power Ball.

She remains casual comrades with most of the party, but remains cautious of Smellulus' vocal belief in the empire at the start of the mission. When Smellulus appreciatively declares her his daughter, Torrin is all too quick to accept and demand that she live in his large house. By the end of the campaign, she begins to doubt this decision.

## Trivia

* Torrin confirms that since elves live such long lives, she will remain this small and childlike for a long time. This only further enforces her concept of "Kids rule, adults drool" since it will apply to her for longer.
* Torrin talks to Old Glove, but she only assumes that it can understand her.
* She and The Beautiful Avoider lived by a series of codes about how urchins like themselves behave. Avy betrays several of them when he leaves her behind.
* Torrin decides to call Snake "Adamson" because he "looks like an Adamson." This greatly insults Snake.
Thomas Mitchell

*"I'm no enemy of the strange. In fact, I'm strange's biggest fan."*

The human ringmaster of Mitchell’s Circus. He has a large moustache and wears a giant top hat over a striped outfit. He is obsessed with creatures that are half one thing and half another.

Thomas once nearly drowned but was rescued by a fisherman with a magical net. He bought it off the man when he realized that it could capture a creature body and soul, forced to obey the owner until they chose to release it. He used it to gather strange hybrid creatures and lock them up in his circus, putting on a freak show as he traveled Cordelia. He considers himself a very good person and a true entertainer, and that this is a gift to the creatures that would overwise never become stars. His captives do not agree.

The party comes across his circus during We Get To Have You. Thomas captured one of the local mermaids that leads them to him, finding that he has also captured Flipcup. They pose as a ghost and ghost experts to pretend to haunt him. Feeling he is an innocent man, he lets them into his show to exorcise the ghost. They lock him up and force him to release his animals. He finally does so, insisting that he has done no wrong. As he awaits the thanks of his creatures, they tear him to pieces and run off.
Soaking Valley Prison

The jail in The Soaking Valley. It is also the headquarters of the town guard, better known as "cops" amongst themselves and locals. The prison is kept in check by a number of security measures, including an unwilling guardian sphinx and an anti-magic pig that prevents spellcasting within its walls.

The building has been around for longer than any living cop in The Soaking Valley, considering that no one can remember the crime that Illegal Renbecca committed and there are no records. Considering the Soaking Valley guards have their origins in the imperial Peacekeepers, it likely predates the Cordelian empire itself.

The grounds contain many cells for prisoners on the top floor, with a quota in order to make the cops seem more necessary than they really are. The top floor is guarded by Illegal Renbecca. She is a prisoner of the jail, but naturally asks passerby her riddle and devours anyone who gets it wrong. On the ground floor, there is also a rec room and sleeping quarters, where all the cops sleep together in one big bed.

The cops are openly corrupt in Soaking Valley, making little effort to hide their unreasonable arrests, false accusations, numerous dead bodies left around the jail, and manipulating the system to make themselves seem more more important to the public. They have long since given up on trying to arrest Moira Thousand, and Scrum Fabulous claims that mentioning his name will get you freed from prison and delivered to him instead.

## Trivia

* The cops are required to report any unusual magical activity to the Witch Hunters.
* As numerous and threatening as they are, the cops all answer to Moira Thousand. Considering that she murdered every guard that came after her for killing her husband in public, they have likely concluded that it's easier than fighting her.

## Employees

Kimrin

Draco

Spilled Milk

Baco

## Past Prisoners

Illegal Rinbecca

Grandpa

The Sack

Legion

Frederick de Bonesby

Cordelia Sasquatch

Albee Dawn

Bellow

Stirfry
The Shish Kebab Express (episode)

*Gotta go fast.*

The 16th episode of Rude Tales of Magic where the party encounters strange hunters in The Trashlands.

## Summary

The party rides out of Fort Casual towards Ruleshaven while Ivan shares a moment of mutual helplessness with Albee. She talks to him about her lack of focus in being a monk alongside his struggles with quitting human blood. Ivan picks up on Cordelia's crush on Blaine, his alter ego, which he admits to taking some level of unconscious manifestation from what was once just a disguise. Inside the carriage, the party searches its contents before Cheddar returns to give Cordelia her quarterly review. He praises her performance but wishes she would kill more people. Both become offended and he departs quickly.

A massive horn blares outside and Albee has to swerve to avoid an incoming vehicle. It turns out to be a mass of hundreds of goblins with a hivemind formed into a single truck-like vehicle, which it rapidly shouts as being The Shish Kebab Express. The cart crashes when the goblin truck comes to a stop as two mantis-people, Paul Maul and Maverick, step out to address the party. They introduce themselves and explain that they will hunt the party for sport after giving them a head start. They leap on their freed scorpion mounts and flee for their lives.

Albee leads most of the party towards a cave for cover, but Frederick pulls too far ahead and fails to notice in time. He tries to pull after them as they fend off The Shish Kebab Express, but the drivers target him with a crossbow. They shoot his wig off before he casts Sleep on the tires, causing it to crash out of control as he is run over. De Bonesby finds himself torn apart and spread through the truck, becoming absorbed into its mass. Being in this state is chaotic at first, but Frederick slowly realizes the ancient magic he wielded did not vanish when he failed his ritual but took a new form. He manages to wield it long enough to not only reassemble but commandeer the goblin truck. He ejects the dead drivers and returns to his original bony form, returning his hook hand to its normal state but missing a few other pieces. Stirfry reclaims Frederick's wig, holding onto it while telling Bellow that he will come for it eventually to use as a bargaining chip. The party regroups with their new means of transportation and Ivan fleeing back to the party. While trying to recruit some bats to assist him, he somehow misspoke and they are now chasing them across the desert.

## Trivia

* The Shish Kebab Express is a reference to The Pork Chop Express, the truck from Big Trouble In Little China.

## Link

https://rudetalesofmagic.simplecast.com/episodes/the-shish-kebab-express
The Leather Spiderweb

A bar in the setting of Blood Tales of Depravity. It primarily serves and is run by vampires who provide blood for its patrons. It is also used as a meeting place for social mingling, gathering information or mercenaries for odd jobs. Several rats live on the premises which will provide information for the right price (assuming one speaks their language).
Vociferous Green

A dragonborn who lives in The James Woods, luring travelers into duels with him with his fishing pole. He had accumulated many honor points before conceding them to Bellow by the end of their duel.

He is half human, half green dragon and dressed in plate mail while wielding a rapier. He attracts Bellow to him using a talking butterfly before challenging him to a duel. Bellow accepts and outmaneuvers him using his spells and shapeshifting. When Vociferous refuses to yield to the duel, Bellow cuts his head off. The disembodied head yields his honor points to Bellow and his sword to Albee, having no use for them in death. He talks at length about receiving his eternal reward in the afterlife for his honorable death, but the party has time to leave and come back and he is still talking to himself.

## Trivia

* Vociferous' mother was a green dragon. His father was part of a fantasy neckball team. He was torn asunder in the process of making it with his mom.
The Friend Man

*“No matter what, life has many difficulties and every single person is brave.”*

A very friendly and supportive bartender at The Purring and Cherished Family Pet. While he is very hospitable, he makes very little money due to not charging for his drinks or services. To make matters worse, a demon that escaped Virginia's book destroyed everything in his bar that the party hadn't already interacted with.

He serves the party drinks in the episode Come Glide With Me.

## Trivia

* The Friend Man is based on an unknown TikToker who gives viewers affirming advice. He is noteworthy for being Branson's least favorite NPC to play, as he found The Friend Man's cloying positivity disgusting and had to fight against 34 years of himself to play him. This is backed up by the fact that Branson didn't bother to name him beforehand and sighed dramatically when put on the spot by Joe Lepore to name him.
Toothbrush

A possum man who works at the Froggy Creek library. He loved books more than anyone else and so was put in charge of the small local library. He is a proud creature who demands respect from people he speaks to.

He meets with Frederick de Bonesby to exchange books and directions on how to reach Brian Doyle Falls and The Teenage Woods. He joins in the mob trying to capture the party in the end of Call Me Late to Dinner, but he is one of several of the possum people killed by Frederick's lightning bolt.

## Quotes

* *"And NOW we're havin' a conversation."*
The Pee That Won’t Flush

One of the three goblins in a human suit that pose as one of the Witch Hunters' Upper Management. He joined forces with Butthole and Daddy’s Cummies to infiltrate the Witch Hunters, rising in their ranks until they could kill one of the former Upper Management members and take his place. They use their position of power to encourage the Witch Hunters' focus on The Unpleasantness, keeping both it and the organization from becoming a threat to goblins.

## Trivia

* The Pee That Won't Flush is a rare case of a goblin name that's more than two words.
Tim Platt

Tim Platt is a comedian and actor. He plays Stirfry on Rude Tales of Magic. He plays guitar and performs the opening song to Rude Talks of Chatting.

As part of an ongoing joke with Branson Reese, Tim's characters are constantly being insulted, demeaned, and punished whenever Branson is his GM.

He has also acted as GM for several one-shot episodes.

## Characters

* Stirfry
* Smellulus Bacharach
* Grůümdå
* Bethesda Herrington
* Gelmer Lysander
* Doctor Armory Amanda/ Quacky Blaze
* Eddie Single
* Count Dracula
* Teras
* Tommy Whistle

## Trivia

* Tim's name is referenced by several in-game characters. Branson named Lancelot Platt as the most English name he could imagine. Taylor Moore's character in Ah Dang! Mothman Won’t Move Out (He Said It Was Just For The Weekend) was named Tom Plott. One of Shiitake Tomboy's many aliases was Tim Platt Ploppings.
* Games run by Tim tend to involve a humorous monologue involving God.
We Prankster Few

A gang of pranksters who harass the party while crossing The Switchblades. They specialize in illusion magic, posing as objects and people while altering the environment around them. They are a mix of gnomes, halflings and one goblin.

Their tricks vary from causing road-blocking avalanches and fake rivers to hurling dangerous amounts of toilet paper at their victims. They follow a warped logic where they escalate their pranks if they are not convinced that the victim was fooled or just not pranked hard enough.

After nearly killing Stirfry and Hot Roddy with toilet paper, they pose as an illusory Bellow who stabs Frederick de Bonesby. We Prankster Few appear to them and offer them a duel of pranks to see if they can go free. The group is confused by their instructions, only to reveal that they are kidding. The deception causes the speaking gnome to vanish from reality and the party continues to trick each of the pranksters until one by one they disappear in confusion.

## Members

It is important to note that We Prankster Few regularly change their appearance, switch places and swap names to confuse others.

Rimjon

Denouement

Laquinta Debonita

Computer Generated Image

Winter's Haste

Noz Hagona

79

Pensacola Pretty

Critical
Vance Lindsingham

The eldest son of the Lindsinghams and the head of Lindsingham Manor. He is found dead by his siblings Buckley and Addison, and since everyone associated with him hated him for his callousness and cruelty, they seek outside help to find his killer.

Even among the snobbish and scheming Lindsinghams, Vance is considered the cruelest member of their family. He hunted Pubic for sport, killed Milker's wife (a cow) in front of him, and tormented Pigsly by pulling on his spine until he developed a tail.

It is ultimately revealed that Count Ivan Gretsky killed Vance, drinking all of his blood through his ankle as he went passing by on a hunt. No one particularly mourns Vance's death, but the manor's family and workers are quick to pursue revenge once they discover his killer.

Race: elf

## Trivia

* Vance was engaged to Sloane Langley Thatcher, although neither seemed especially infatuated with each other. The Lindsingham family assumed that she was marrying for money alone.
* Bellow confirms during their amateur autopsy that Vance is uncircumcised.
Social Call

A term used by Witch Hunters for an especially desperate and destructive magical weapon. They create a white orb that floats in place, growing slowly larger as it absorbs or destroys all it touches. This can level an entire city, so it is reserved for cases the Witch Hunters find especially dire. By the time it is used in the show, Virginia says it hadn't been used in over 200 years.

The players see one used in Ruleshaven in the episode The Way We Came.
Resistance

Resistance is an armor stat that determines how much damage reduction the player has. The more Resistance a player has, the less damage is taken from attacks.

However, Resistance **does not** reduce True Damage.

Resistance can be increased using the Protection Enchantments.

## Maximum Armor Resistance

The armor set that has the highest Resistance is:

Royal Armor with Protection III.

This comes to a total Resistance of 531.
Wehadababyitsaboy

A witch that slumbered beneath Lake Somebody. She was awakened several decades ago and started devouring children who stayed up past their bedtime. A young Virginia deduced her true name and used it to kill her.

Virginia’s little sister Susana was among her victims. The Witch Hunter remained haunted and driven by Wehadababyitsaboy’s actions.

## Trivia

* Wehadababyitsaboy is a reference to a Geico commercial. The commercial involves a new father sending news to his parents by using the fake name for a collect call.
When You're Here

*Exhausted and fed up, our heroes battle and cajole their way through the last leg of the Teenage Woods and its brood of ridiculous and dangerous denizens. But what lies beyond? After all this, can you go home again? And what might you find there? Can our heroes bear the revelations of the Dawn house? Can you?*

 Episode 5 of Rude Tales of Magic. The party deals with giant spiders, a giant spider farmer, and a cleverly disguised bandit before they can reach Albee's house.

Previous episode: Dial E for Elf

Next episode: Kebin (episode)

## Summary

The party continues their travels, only to discover that Stirfry is missing. They backtrack to find that he became stuck in a giant spider’s web, battling with three progressively larger spiders. They manage to kill them all before a drow appears in a straw hat and overalls, threatening the group for killing his prized pet spiders. He had a deal to deliver them to the local mafia for unspecified reasons, but the party is unable to replace them. After some argument, Bellow agrees to give him his gemstone and the magically flowing cape he was given from Count Ivan Gretsky in hopes that this will placate the mafia to clear his debts.

The drow triumphantly reveals himself to be Carlito Masterbandit in disguise, gloating over his victory. He had lied about owning the wild spiders to con them out of their precious items. Bellow reminds him that he hasn’t handed over the items yet and Carlito immediately panics, helplessly begging for him to hand them over. The party runs away and he is unable to keep up with them, desperately swearing revenge.

The party spends the night camping, learning more about each other and apologizing for their heated behavior during the battle. They finally arrive at Albee’s house. The place is locked down and partly ruined, forcing Cordelia to smash down the front door. Albee enters to find it abandoned except for her brother Casper. Casper is shocked to see Albee, claiming that she is dead.

## Link

https://rudetalesofmagic.simplecast.com/episodes/out-of-the-woods
Changelog/2022/December 23

NEWS   **Season 3 Launch Date**
*Updated: December 23, 2022*

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That's right, we have a launch date for Season 3. Took us some time, but we are there, finally!

The trailer briefly reviews some of the main features released in Season 3. Mob Events, Skills, Custom Items, Warfare gold additions, Logging Camp revamp, Drop Parties, and Boosters.
However, there is still more. Between now and the 21st, we will post information about all of these updates, including some which aren't mentioned in the trailer. The first post will be about the Logging Camp revamp and the new Island Queue, finishing with the full changelog closer to launch. That includes all bug fixes and smaller QOL features/updates. Oh, and don't forget the Conquest trailer, coming out on the 17th of January. Going to make you wait for that beauty.

We will be running some giveaways over that time, there is one currently up on the trailer, see video description for details! How about we giveaway the new rank at some point?

Christmas is in a few days, happy Christmas to all who celebrate! Regardless, have a wonderful day.

Thanks so much for supporting this project. See you at the next post.

IC team
The Bride

A female Frankenstein who runs The Copafirebadna. She resembles The Bride of Frankenstein, but is famously single given how the story of Frankenstein went.

She appears in HALLOWEEN SPECIAL: Blood Tales of Depravity 2: Mummy Issues where she is wary of helping the vampires stand up to the mummies. She and Caleb Dark quickly fall in love and marry each other, settling their alliance.
The Hive

A secret organization that bears a ring with a bee sealed in wax. They shake hands and tap with their middle finger to identify members who are in the know. Their brotherhood will always aid one another, such as providing discounts at Hive-run shops. They always vow to love and aid one another, no matter what they actually think of each other. The ring is said to choose its owner, so stealing a ring transfers membership with it.

Ulcer Anatomies informs Stirfry of the order when he sees his ring. Stirfry had stolen the ring from its owner a long time ago, and is delighted to learn of a group of people who are forced to like him.
The Sodom Sisters

A rough gang of female gnolls that work for Scrum Fabulous. They are ruthless and dangerous, generally doing the dirty work Scrum would rather not sully his hands with. They serve him obediently but are notably harsher in their interactions than Scrum himself. They originally operated in Piss Harbor.
The gang's main role in the series is escorting Albee's parents through Scrum’s Pad. They are so used to their cruelty that when Albee thanks them for their job, one of the sisters is left trying to figure out why for days.