PEQAN PIES Tutorial

**Fan made content! Cool!**
This article (PEQAN PIES Tutorial), is fan fiction and isn't automatically canon. On the other hand, no one said it isn't.
Unlike the Not Canon banner, this page is not intended to be seen as lore from Team Echoes, and is instead something from the mind of the author. It is, however, supposed to be read and enjoyed. Have fun! You should also browse the fan fiction category for more content. Maybe these will inspire you to write your own projects.

***Work in Progress***
This article (PEQAN PIES Tutorial), or a section of this article, is under construction; please excuse all cranes, dozers, and MCVs in the meantime. Feel free to add additional content to the page, including pictures and templates; the final page may differ from the current page to a large extent.

### Paradox

**The Allied Guardian Tank** as **Himself**.

**The Soviet Hammer Tank** as **The Apocalypse Tank**.

**The Imperial Tsunami Tank** as **Himself**

**The Continental Mastiff Medium Tank** as **Herself**

**The Kingdom Nian Tank** as **Himself**

**The Syndicate Talos AFV** as **Himself**

**The Talon Cleric Track** as **Himself**

**The Protectorate Command Node** as **the Muscular Battle Tank**

### Echoes

**The League Takhar Tank** as **Himself**.

**The Combine Oaxaca Tank** as **Himself**.

**The Guild Mountain Tank** as **Herself**

**The Contingent Bushmaster Tank** as **Himself**

**The Unionist Maher Tank** as **Himself**

**The Commonwealth Rama Tank** as **Himself**

**The Forum Kona Teletank** as **Himself**

**The Ecumene Jurassic Hover Tank** as **Himself**

### Quantum

**The Atlantean Enkara Tank** as **Herself**.

**The Concordiat Knight Tank** as **Himself**.

**The Fylkirate Fenris Tank** as **Himself**

**The IPDI Tiger Heavy Tank** as **Himself**

**The Pangaean Tailless Whip** as **Herself**

**The Reactionary Varangian Battle-Track** as **Himself**

**The Conclave Inner Demon** as **the Bodhisattva**

**The Kumun Urangagruk** as **Himself**

### Annihilation

**The BUAC Eulogy Tank** as **the Auxilium Tank**.

**The Shintai Assault Strider** as **Himself**.

**The Spartakus Panzerwanderer** as **Themself**

**The Inclusive Lightning Tank** as **Himself**

**The TFO Arbiter Tank** as **Himself**

**The Domain Punisher Tank** as **Himself**

**The Lemurian Centurion Tank** as **Himself**

**The Tendriculous Somna** as **Itself**

### Null

**The PCFW Mako Hovertank** as **Himself**.

**The Selenite Moonwalker** as **Himself**.

**The Traders Buffalo LVT** as **Himself**

**The PSD Arctodus Tank** as **Himself**

**The Entente Grizzly Light Tank** as **the Rhino Assault Tank**

**The Black Sun Abduction Interceptor** as **Himself**

**The Zeelich Tauria** as **Themself**

**The Vorgaxa Omnithought** as **the Steeljaw**

### Pandemonium

**The Imperium Aspirant Walker** as **Himself**.

**The Meglarak Neo Drone** as **Himself**.

**The ENB Caveirão Armoured Car** as **Himself**

**The Mu Raider Skiff** as **Herself**

**The Dawuardin Scutum Excavator** as **Himself**

**The Aridixynth Warpath** as **Himself**

**The Ssekhmarakh Manta Submersible** as **Themself**

**The Republic Tortoise AFV** as **Himself**

### Insanity

**The APRC Stormtiger Tank** as **Himself**.

**The NESO Ursa Mortar Tank** as **Himself**.

**The Xian Pig Walker** as **Himself**

**The SSDS Tilbury Tank** as **Himself**

**The Oranbega Treant** as **Itself**

**The Luminous Sunlight Tank** as **Themself**

**The Conven Galighter Tankette** as **Himself**

**The Starless Ghoul** as **Itself**

### Extremis

**The Psi-Corp Phobia Tank** as **Himself**.

**The Formican Metal Eater** as **Herself**

**The IFS Pulse Tank** as **Himself**

**The LEGION Warmind** as **the Mantis Tank**

**The Zharrkan Malice Siege Tank** as **Himself**

**The Thule Wolf Tank** as **Himself**

**The REFC Cyclone Corvette** as **Himself**

**The Ortagix Boom Tank** as **Themself**

### Silentium

**The R.U.N. Thunder Tank/Lightning Jet** as **Himself**.

**The Scavenger Antlion Tank** as **Himself**.

**The Convocation Wraith Tank** as **Herself**

**The Anoxic Anklos** as **Himself**

**The Abyssal Sawtooth** as **Itself**

**The Drakonate Drake Light Tank** as **the Dragon Tank**

**The Enigmatic Predator Apex** as **Itself**

**The Horde Destroyer** as **Himself**

## Lesson One: Global Changes (pt 2)

*(Fade in from black. The Allied Guardian tank, Imperial Tsunami tank, and Soviet Apocalypse tank [voiced by the Hammer tank pilot], Continental Mastiff tank, Kingdom Nian tank, Syndicate Talos, Talon Cleric, and Protectorate Executor Tripletank are driving away from a war zone. All eight are badly damaged. Fortifying Brighton plays in the background.)*

**Apocalypse**: Finally, am I glad that’s over.

**Tsunami**: You said it, partner!

**Guardian**: Still, eight factions is way too much!

**Talos**: If you think eight's too many, wait till you see the fan factions! (Cleric shoots Talos) Youch!

**Cleric**: What did I say about the fourth wall heathen!

**Mastiff**: Geez, can you stop being prude for once dude?

**Nian**: So, any plans afterward?

**Executor Tripletank**: Apparently, I got a role as a villain in a toy commercial.

*(The rest of the tanks begin to congratulate him, before all eight stop abruptly in front of the eight Echoes, Quantum, Annihilation, Null, Pandemonium, Insanity, Extremis, and Silentium vehicles. There is a beat. Music stops.)*

**Apocalypse**: Oh, no.

**Mastiff**: You have got to be kidding me.

**Guardian**: Please tell me I'm hallucinating.

**Bushmaster**: Sorry to bust your chops mate. But this ain't no hallucination! There's a brand new tutorial!

**Varangian**: Followed up by a whole new game to go through, but now with our glorious nobility!

*(The eight "original" tanks line up in formation with the new ones)*

**Mastiff**: So this is what it feels like to be chopped liver.

**Apocalypse**: You'll get used to it.

**Panzerwanderer** : So, without any more delays, welcome kommandant to Red Alert 3: PEQAN PIES!

*(Rebel Battle plays)*

**Mastiff**: Wait, pecan pies? *(The Mako shoots her)* Oww!

**Mako**: It's pe-qan pies, with a q! Dumb Americans.

**Mastiff**: Wait, why a q and not a c?

**Scutum**: All of it will be explained in time lass.

**Guardian**: I can't believe we're going through this again.

**Ursa**: Well technically we're not. Paradox has been defunct for years. In fact, we're going to be in a Heart of Iron mod.

**The eight originals**: WHAT!

(The Apex shoot the Ursa)

**Ursa**: Ow!

**Apex**: You were not supposed to tell them that you idiot!

**Apocalypse**: And what the hell is that thing?! It's not even mechanical!

(The Apocalypse swivels to the Steeljaw)

**Fenris**: You're better off not trying to communicate directly.

**Steeljaw**: (makes gurgling growl noises)

**Fenris**: See, all it does is growl. Not even the mind readers can understand them.

**Mastiff**: Wait a minute. If the original mod is abandoned. Why are we still doing a tutorial, even more so with (mumbles as Mastiff counts new tanks).

**Centurion**: Sixty-four.

**(everyone but the Mastiff)**: SIXTY-FOUR!

**Mastiff**: Sixty-four new factions!

**Mantis**: Well at this point it’s more of a fan project, a story for fun if you will. Besides, your old tutorial was technically a fan fiction too.

**Wraith**: There’s also the faint hope that maybe PEQAN PIES will be made into a proper RTS, no offen to heart of iron.

**Gaslighter**: Even in heart of iron it’ll only be the Echoes faction inside. Quantum onwards are basically chopped liver.

**Pig Walker**: AH-HEM. If all of you are done squabbling? (Pause) Anyway, Lord. This lesson is intended to ease you back into the nuances of Red Alert 3, as well as introduce the new mechanics of PEQAN PIES.

**Buffalo**: After all, it has been quite a while since Red Alert 3 was released. Who knows, maybe you reinstalled the game just to play PEQAN PIES! In which case, thanks, again!

**Enkara**: What was the rule we made on the fourth wall!

**Warpath**: That it’s \*bleep\*ing AWESOME! (transforms into robot mode and fire chest cannon) KABLAM!

**(everyone but the Norseverse factions)**: You’re a robot!

**Knight**: (ignoring commotion) No, that was you, (mutters) and the other idiots, (return to normal voice) it was “don’t”.

**Cleric**: (sighs) Like herding dumb sheep’s.

**(Pig, Enkara, Tiger, Knight, Stormtiger, Apex)**: You have NO idea!