Hillary Clinton

**Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton** is a world-renowned elephant herder, and 2016 presidential candidate. She attempted to be president, but her plans were foiled after she was sent to another planet by Aunt Sherman. She now resorts to scamming the elderly of their life-savings in her free time.

## Biographical information

### Marital status

Nobody, although Donald Trump is always in her wet dreams

## Life of the Hairy Old Clint

Hillary Rottenbottems Longonimous Whyno Gorggen-Jerry Fulmergeigen Clinton was born on a steamy October 26th day, during an intense rainstorm. Her parents were at first excited to bring a child into the world, although they quickly changed their minds upon seeing Clinton Jr. She was hideous. It's like if an alien gave birth, this is what the child would look like. Hillary's parents were so appalled by their freak of a child, that she was merely thrown into a dumpster outside, as they left to go gamble the money that they had saved for Hillary's college-fund. So baby Hillary was left to rot in a dirty, moist dumpster... but fortunately (or unfortunately depending on the person), a mysterious figure saw her, and took her in. This is where she was raised for the rest of her young life, before being adopted by an eldritch being from beyond the stars. This rather peculiar entity had raised her through early adulthood before finally leaving... but why would it ever come to Earth, especially for this old bag? Some say this same entity would make a visit to some "child of the stars", giving them a keepsake that they are meant to keep for the rest of their life... well, all of this is what Hillary claims happened. But it sure does seem like just a load of bologna, *right*?

In spite of her supposed 'mystical' upbringing, the terrifically terrible Hillary Clinton has always been unfavorable, although she consistently tries to act like the kindest person to ever grace the planet. Unsurprisingly, this whole kindness-attitude is no more than a facade, in order to draw in more unassuming voters. She chugs gallons of uncleaned, "environment-friendly" sewer water, she lies about refusing to hunt endangered species, and she pretends to be homeless for quick cash. She doesn’t care a single bit to ever fix this disaster of a country, rather the appeal of taking office comes from all of the benefits she could get. Hell, Hillary used to be a bully back in the day, beating up other kids just for the fun of it. Hillary has reportedly worked to arrest the people who were brave enough to share their frightening encounters with her. No matter what, Hillary will always use this nice persona of hers, to her advantage - even if its to get a small crumb of bread from a homeless shelter that's running out of funds.

## The Savagely Succulent Uproar by the Rambunctious and Riveting Robo-Clinton

One bright and somewhat-sunny day, the old and bold hag known as Hillary Clinton was due to give a speech at some auditorium in an elementary school, but she just wasn’t able to. Her old, smelly, crusty grandma toes were sore and excreting puss, and she contracted a mad fever after eating some expired macaroni-salad. Luckily, someone suggested that Hillary should hire some dude to make a robotic clone of her, so it can take over all of her dirty duties, while she could go do stupid woman things like shopping or something. Nobody wanted to do it, but once Hillary threatened to drop her pants-n’-underwear and expose the dark, cold, and most especially smelly truth, they instantly got to work. Soon enough, it was complete - Robo-Clinton was here. She looked just like Hillary, down to her elderly stomach flaps, and ear-holes clogged with brown molten earwax. Once and for all, she could lie back and live a normal life.

Things were going fine at first. The mechanical mistress was giving a speech about bringing the dinosaurs back to life, by lowering our emissions of methane lollipops into the Atlantic Ocean. But in the middle of a sentence, something went wrong, and the bot started to blow a fuse on stage. She stuttered, and then her head just exploded, leaking oil and robotic bits all over the front of the crowd. People screamed in terror, and they all tried to run for their lives. Robo-Clinton's mechanical buttocks snapped in half, and blasted straight into the audience, as people were trampled by others as if they were being chased by a rabid Indonesian Ballsack Licker. Soon, Government agents rushed into the building, knocking down doors, smashing windows, and coming up through toilets, taking the malfunctioning Robo-Clinton away. They began spraying the officially-licensed Booty-Banger Fart Spray, to make the crowd drop unconscious and forget about it all whenever they woke up. Hillary was furious when the news was broke to her. She was planning to go out to Wendy's Waffles on Friday, and a Schlonkbobby the Pooper concert over the weekend. Now she had to drag herself to those boring political events, where people lie for an hour straight.

## Notes & Trivia

* This may not come as a surprise, but Hillary Clinton is actually secretly in love with Donald Trump, but she has to keep it private when in public. When she was up there giving a speech next to Trump, it was hard to not just go over there and give him a fat sloppy kiss on his crusty lips.
* One of Hillary's most favorite foods is a deep-fried egg & fudge-macaroni toucan tacos. She eats them on a daily basis for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, even if she's releasing one in the toilet at the same time. It is unknown how she gets so many, or where they even come from, though some suggest she trades in children and the disabled (and most definitely disabled children) to an unknown entity.
* Please, whatever you do, do NOT ask her about Billary Winton Sr. I actually can't even say what would occur.