Hard to Be the Bard

## Story

Shakespeare has sent somebody to spy on Nick Bottom. As he waits for their return, he complains about the difficulty of his job.

## Lyrics (Soundtrack)

[SHAKESPEARE]

My days are so busy, it's making me dizzy

There's so much I gotta do

There's lunches and meetings and poetry readings

And endless interviews

Gotta pose for a portrait and how I deplore

Sittin' there for eternity

Then it's off to the inn where my innkeeper friend

Wants to name a drink after me

Then it's back to my room, where I resume

My attempt to write a hit

Just me and my beer and the terrible fear

That I might be losing it

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)]

And it's hard (It's hard)

It's hard (It's hard)

[SHAKESPEARE & MANSERVANTS]

It's really, really hard

So very, very hard

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)]

I make it look easy but honey, believe me

It's hard (It's hard)

It's hard (It's hard)

It's so

[SHAKESPEARE & MANSERVANTS]

Incredibly hard

So inconceivably, unbelievably hard

[SHAKESPEARE]

It's hard to be the bard

(spoken)

Honestly, I don't know how I do it. There's only so much of me to go around

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)]

I've got so many fans with so many demands

I can hardly go take a piss (He can't pee)

Be it theater freak or the autograph-seeker

They all want a piece of this (Gimme, gimme)

It's a cross that I bear, I'm like Jesus, I swear

It's a burden but I suffer through it (He is suffering)

It's all part of the game, the trappings of fame

But somebody's gotta do it (So he does it)

And I know, I know, I gotta go

And get back to my pen and ink

Oh, don't make me do it

Don't make me go through it

Can somebody get me a drink?

'Cause it's hard (It's hard)

It's hard (It's hard)

It's really, really hard (It's really hard)

[SHAKESPEARE & MANSERVANTS]

It's sexy but it's hard

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)]

This bar that I'm raising

To be this amazing!

It's hard (It's hard)

It's hard (It's hard)

It's so

[SHAKESPEARE & MANSERVANTS]

Annoyingly hard

So unavoidably, un-enjoyably hard

[SHAKESPEARE]

It's hard to be the bard, baby

(spoken)

Ugh. I know writing made me famous, but being famous is just so much more fun. You see...

(sung)

What people just don't understand

Is that writing's demanding

It's mentally challenging and it's a bore

It's such a chore

To sit in a room by yourself

Oh my god, I just hate it!

And you're trying to find an opening line

Or a brilliant idea and you're pacing the floor

And hoping for just a bit of divine intervention

That one little nugget, that one little spark

Then Eureka! You find it, you're ready to start

So now you can write, right? Wrong!

You're not even close, you remember that, damn it

Your play's gotta be in iambic pentameter!

So you write down a word but it's not the right word

So you try a new word but you hate the new word

And you need a good word but you can't find the word

Oh, where is it, what is it, what is it, where is it?

Blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-ah-ha-ha—

[VALET, spoken]

Sir?

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]

Hello!

[VALET, spoken]

You asked for information on what Nicholas Bottom is writing. Our spy is here with the news

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]

Did he see me losing it?

[VALET, spoken]

He's half blind, sir

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]

Oh, good. Then he only saw half of it. You see what I did? Ha ha...

[VALET, spoken]

Oh, yes, yes, yes, wonderful, ha ha

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]

Speak, man. What news?

[EYE-PATCH MAN, spoken]

I saw Nick Bottom, I did. He paid a soothsayer to foresee what Shakespeare's greatest play would be

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]

That sneaky little thief! Why doesn't he come up with his own ideas!?

[MANSERVANTS]

It's hard

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]

No, it is, isn't it?

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)]

It's really the worst (It's hard)

Makes me wonder why I didn't think of that first (It's hard)

Hard to alleviate the pressure to create (It's hard)

Hard to do something as good as the last thing I did that was already great (It's hard)

It's hard (So hard that he is stealing from the bard)

Well I'll hoist him by his petard

All that I need is a clever disguise (Clever disguise)

I'll make him pay for his devious lies (Devious lies)

Let him do all the tedious stuff

The work that's terribly and unbearably hard (Oh, hard)

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]

All right, Nick Bottom. I think Shakespeare needs to find out what Shakespeare's next big hit will be!

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)]

'Cause it's hard! (It's hard, it's totally hard)

It's hard! (It's hard, it's totally hard)

It's hard! (It's hard, it's totally hard)

Fortune and fame

Everyone knows my name

I can't help it, it's still freaking hard.

## Characters

* William Shakespeare
* Nick Bottom (Mentioned)