Joe Gets Mauled

**Joe Gets Mauled** is episode 153b of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on February 17, 2007.

## Synopsis

The students decide to put Lakeside City School's abandoned radio station to good use by hosting their own stations. When Joey makes one, nobody wants to listen to it - at least until he fakes a grizzly bear attack.

## Cast (WIP)

* Wayne Grayson as Joey
* Andrew Rannells as Edward and Ivan
* Robert Capron as Eric
* Gary Sauls as Constantinos, Mr. Goodman and Aaron
* Edward Felker as Stanley
* Eric Stuart as Chuck, Sebastian, Terry and Barry and Jason, Grayson, Mason and Hasten
* John DiMaggio as Tony
* Veronica Taylor as Carver
* Mike Pollock as Principal Walker

## Trivia

* Although this episode premiered in 2007, it was produced in 2006 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.
* If one were to listen closely during the montage of everybody laughing at The Sebastian Show, they will discover that Eric's laughter is reused audio from Club Joey.
* This episode is available to watch on the Back in Action DVD and The Complete Seventh Season box set.
* This is the first appearance of Lakeside City School's radio station.

## Transcript

(The episode opens with the students playing baseball at the school's football field. Eric is holding a baseball bat, and Edward prepares his aim. Once Edward tosses the baseball at him, Eric ends up swinging the bat too hard, and it launches high into the air)

**Tony:** Ohh! I got it! I got it!

(The ball goes up to space and shatters the moon into a crescent before dropping back to Earth. The students chase after it)

**Carver:** Back off, dorks!

**Jason, Grayson, Mason and Hasten:** We got it! We got it!

**Aaron:** I got it!

(The rest of the students run after the ball. Mr. Goodman sighs)

(Suddenly, they slam into a building, and the ball crashes through its front window. A record scratch is heard, followed by a song playing)

**Constantinos:** Whoa, what's that?

**Eric:** It's a giant jukebox!

**Mr. Goodman:** (catches up with them) I see you found Lakeside City School's old radio station.

**Everyone:** Radio station?

(Edward opens the door. Inside, it's dusty and filled with cobwebs)

**Edward:** Wow! Mr. Goodman, how come you never told us about this?

**Mr. Goodman:** Well, after disco died, things just weren't the same.

**Eric:** (zips in and puts on a pair of headphones that were resting on the table) Could we start the radio station back up again, Mr. Goodman? Can we, can we?!

**Mr. Goodman:** Oh, I don't know. Principal Walker was always so annoyed with it. Well, I guess if you-

**Eric:** WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

**Mr. Goodman:** (removes the headphones from Eric's ears) ***OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!***

(Eric's brain launches out of his head as a result of Mr. Goodman screaming so loudly, but then he puts it back in)

**Edward:** Imagine that, guys! Our own radio station!

**Aaron:** We can all take turns putting on our very own radio shows!

**Terry:** I'm going to play classic rock.

**Eric:** I'm gonna play records!

**Constantinos:** How about you, Joey?

**Joey:** I'm going to do a talk show!

(Everybody's faces become blank stares)

**Eric:** What's a talk show?

**Joey:** It's where an intellectual like yours truly-

**Aaron:** (interrupts him) Oh, that sounds really boring.

**Barry:** Boring!

**Edward:** Hey, that doesn't sound too bad, Joey.

**Joey:** Oh, it'll be cool! In fact, it's gonna be the coolest show in this school!

**Edward:** (whips out a record) Now let's get this radio station on the air! (blows off the dust, which covers the entire room, and everybody profusely coughs)

(The next morning, Edward is hosting a radio station)

**Edward:** Good morning, students! Rise and shine with Edward's Get Up and Go Show!

(Eric is seen in the boys' dorm's showers, obnoxiously singing. In the hallway, Constantinos pretends to play a mop like a guitar)

(At the Gym's pool, Henry is listening to the radio while he lays on a floatie. Joey is sitting on one of the benches, covering his ears)

**Joey:** Noise pollution is *not* cool.

(The camera transitions to that night. Chuck is in the radio station)

**Chuck:** (in a deep, "smooth" voice) Welcome aboard to Chuck's Night Mix. Now, I'm gonna open up the request line.

(The telephone rings)

**Chuck:** Hello, and what would you like to hear tonight?

**Principal Walker:** (through the phone) SHUT YOUR WINDPIPE, I'M TRYING TO REST HERE!!!!

**Chuck:** You got it, baby, here it is - Shut Your Windpipe, I'm Trying to Rest Here.

(He whips out a CD and inserts it into the player. A song literally called Shut Your Windpipe, I'm Trying to Rest Here plays, and we see the students in the cafeteria dancing to it)

**[Shut Your Windpipe, I'm Trying to Rest Here]**

*SHUT YOUR WINDPIPE! I'M TRYING TO REST HERE!*

*SHUT YOUR WINDPIPE! I'M TRYING TO REST HERE!*

*ALL YA DO IS YAP-YAP-YAP, YOU NEVER SAY MUCH!*

*YOU FLIP-FLAP-FLAP, THINK I'M LOSIN' TOUCH!*

(The students in the cafeteria start dancing to it)

*YOU'RE A TRAINWRECK IN MY HEAD, YOU'RE MAKIN' ME MAD WITH DREAD!*

*LIKE A HENHOUSE SQUAWKIN' AND THE SNAKES BARKIN'!*

(Cut back to the radio station as the song goes on)

**Ivan:** (in the room above the radio booth; reading off a sheet of paper) And now, here's Joey After Dark. (raises an eyebrow) Hosted by the Joe man?

**Joey:** (closes his eyes) Salutations, and welcome to Joey After Dark. The first thing we're gonna do tonight is (slams down on a red button, turning the music off) SHUT OFF THIS STUPID MUSIC!!!! (calmly) There. That's more like it. Let's open those phone lines; talk to me.

(Aaron and Corey are in their dorm room. Corey is asleep, and Aaron is tucking into bed)

**Joey:** (through the radio) Do us all a favor, call me.

**Aaron:** (shuts off the radio and flickers the lights) Good night.

(Cut back to the booth)

**Joey:** What's the matter with you doofuses? I said call me!

(The camera cuts to a top-down view of the school)

**Joey:** (echoing) Somebody? Anybody?!

(The sun eventually rises)

**Joey:** (visibly exhausted) Talk to me...talk to me...TALK TO ME...

(Suddenly, a bell is heard ringing)

**Joey:** (wakes up) Huh?

(Sebastian walks in with a box of items. A kazoo and slide whistle drop out of it. He approaches the microphone and plays a trombone into it)

**Sebastian:** (rings the bell) What's that sooooouuuuunnnnddddddd? What's that sooooouuuuunnnnddddddd? GOOOOOOOD MORNING, FELLOW STUDENTS! Welcome to The Sebastian Show! (laughs hysterically)

**Joey:** (gets up and leaves) How obnoxious.

(He walks out of the radio station)

**Joey:** Good luck, Sebastian. You're a background character - nobody's gonna listen.

**Sebastian:** (through the intercom) Uh oh, here comes Principal Walker! (impersonating Walker) Hello, Sebastian! This is Principal Walker! (normal voice) Watch out for that banana peel! (a tripping and crashing sound plays; impersonating Walker again) Oh, my neck!

(Joey tries to ignore this as he gets breakfast from the cafeteria, but everybody is laughing hysterically. They laugh right next to Joey while he's in line getting food, eating his breakfast, taking a test, taking another test, running laps around the football field, using the restroom, drinking from the water fountain, walking through the flower field, and eating lunch)

(The camera zooms into Joey's pupil. The soundwaves of everybody laughing echoes through time as we see Joey getting married to Milly. The laughter causes him to crumple like paper. The same happens when he and Milly are on their honeymoon, when Milly hands him their newborn child, and when Joey is being buried underground at his funeral)

(It zooms out back to the present)

**Joey:** ***AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*** (runs through the wall, rips the outdoor intercom off the ground, and retreats to his dorm room)

(He takes a deep breath)

**Joey:** What do they got that I don't got? (sadly) So what if I'm not the funniest, or popular? I'd have to get eaten by bears to get any attention around this dump. (lays down in his sleeping bag)

(Suddenly, this gives him an idea. He grins)

(That night, Joey is in the radio station)

**Ivan:** (bored) And now it's time once again for Joey After Dark.

**Joey:** (speaks into the mic) And thank you for that warm introduction.

(Ivan is reading a book instead of paying attention)

**Joey:** I'd like to talk to you guys out there, about some, uhh... (takes out a CD labeled "Horror Sound Effects - Stereo") *very* unusual events as of late.

(He walks up to the light switch, maliciously grinning)

**Joey:** Well, that's unusual! (flicks it off) Looks like someone's coming up to the station in person! (puts in the CD, and the sound of someone loudly knocking on a door plays, causing Ivan to perk up) Who is it? Oh my goodness! It's a grizzly bear!

(He chuckles as Ivan screams and runs in circles)

**Joey:** (pretending to be scared) Folks, this station here is under attack! OH NO! IT APPEARS THAT, **TWO** GRIZZLY BEARS ARE HERE!

**Ivan:** (crashes through the wall and screams) BEAR ATTACK!!!!

**Joey:** (echoing) RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, PEOPLE!

(Edward and Eric are playing cards in their dorm room, until Ivan barges through the door)

**Ivan:** JOEY'S BEING ATTACKED BY BEARS! TURN ON YOUR RADIO!

(They run up to the radio on the nightstand)

**Joey:** (through the radio) LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU MONSTERS!

(Cut to the inside of the booth as punching sound effects play)

**Joey:** (runs around back in forth, trying to contain his laughter) TAKE THAT! AND THAT! (biting sound effects start playing) HELP! THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME!

(The students run out of the boys' dorm)

**Joey:** (echoing) NO! (a chainsaw is heard revving up) PUT DOWN THAT...THAT...***CHAINSAW!!!!!*** OH NO YOU DON'T!

(The students bang on the door, and Joey quickly takes out the CD)

**Edward:** (kicks the door down) JOEY! ARE YOU OK?!

**Joey:** (sits back) Oh, hey, guys.

**Edward:** Wait, where are the bears?

**Joey:** Oh, they went running for the hills. They didn't wanna tangle with me anymore. (clears his throat) So, uh, did ya like my show?

**Stanley:** (investigates the room) Hey Joey, why is there a CD here called "Horror Sound Effects"?

(Not being prepared to face that question, Joey's eyes widen, and his nose deflates)

**Joey:** Oh...well...uhh...ummmm...it was probably for Sebastian's stupid show. This morning, he was so bad that he may as well have came from a horror movie. No wonder why he's a background character these days.

(Edward and Stanley raise an eyebrow at Joey, and the camera zooms over to Sebastian, who tears up. He sprints out, wildly sobbing)

**Joey:** Now, about my show, gimme your thoughts.

**Eric:** (ecstatic) Joey! That was definitely the-

**Joey:** -coolest show at Lakeside City School? (chuckles)

(The camera transitions to the next morning in the cafeteria)

**Aaron:** (to Tony) Let's see if we can sit next to him!

(They pass by the cafeteria's menu, which reads "Today's Special: Grizzly Bear Meat")

(Everybody is sitting near Joey)

**Eric:** What did it look like?

**Joey:** It was big, and it was hairy!

**Constantinos:** (shivering) Did it have big scary teeth?

**Joey:** (crosses his arms) Sure did. But if ya think *that* scares me, ha! I'd take on an army of bears.

(Everybody cheers for him, and the camera transitions to later that night, where the radio station is live)

**Ivan:** (announcing) Hey hey everybody! Next up - Joey After Dark!

(The camera pans down below, where Joey is with a group of students)

**Joey:** Ok, make it snappy, guys. Who's got questions?

**All:** OH! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!

**Joey:** (points to Chuck) You there, invisible one.

**Chuck:** Are you scared of being attacked by a bear again?

**Joey:** (confidently) Uhhhhhhh...good question.

(Beat)

**Joey:** (deadpan) I'm horrified. (grins)

(Ivan opens the door)

**Ivan:** You're on, Mr. Joey sir!

**Joey:** (sends him out) Oh, uhhh...you look a little squeamish there, buddy. Uh, why don't ya take the night off?

(Ivan walks away)

**Joey:** In fact, all my fans should stay away, listening to me from the safety of their dorm rooms. I got it from here! (goes inside and closes the door as everybody leaves)

(Joey locks the door and chuckles)

(Later that night, everybody is in the dorm)

**Joey:** (through the radios) Hello again, all you fine little people listening in the dark.

(Igor and Abdul are seen tuning in)

**Igor:** Whoa! Joey's speaking in the magic box again!

**Abdul:** I can't believe it!

(We see Joey in the radio station room)

**Joey:** Now, last night, Edward and the rest of his losers came down to the station to try and help me out. But guys, that is *far too dangerous*.

(And the Pearson brothers listening to the radio in their room)

**Joey:** (through the radio) So no matter what I say, remember this: do NOT come down here. Ya got that?! Don't put yourselves at risk.

**Edward:** (turns it off) Tabloids are more believable, Joey.

**Eric:** Hey, I was listening to that.

(It cuts back to Joey)

**Joey:** I'm a proven warrior of the airwaves! Who out there wants to talk to the Joe man?

(The telephone begins ringing)

**Joey:** That's a beautiful sound. (answers it) I love ya too, sweetie! Talk to me!

(The screen splits apart to show Constantinos in his pajamas)

**Constantinos:** Uhhhh...uh...ok...is this...is this the Joe man?

**Joey:** Nobody else but!

**Constantinos:** Uhhh...is there gonna be another bear attack tonight? 'Cause I gotta get to sleep soon.

**Joey:** (pushes the split-screen effect aside, and Constantinos screams) Let's just say (menacingly into the phone) ***stay tuned.*** (raises his eyebrows and laughs as he takes out the same CD from last night)

(The CD begins playing)

**Joey:** Ya know, folks, that's the sound of the great thing about Lakeside City School. Ya can never tell when Joey's ready for the killers! So don't you worry, Constantinos, I'm comin' to ya live, kids, and I ain't afraid of nothin'!

(Growling is heard as a grizzly bear is seen out the window, prowling on the grounds)

**Joey:** (not intimidated) Uh oh! Looks like we might have another visitor! (someone knocks on the door)

(Terry and Barry are seen closely listening to their radio)

**Barry:** Wow! Here comes another bear!

(Cut back to Joey)

**Joey:** Ya want a piece of me, you fat bear? (the phone rings again) Oops, another concerned student! (answers it) Yes, hello, don't worry about-

(Something roars through the phone, blowing Joey back)

**Joey:** (looks down at the record player) Wha-?! (stutters incoherently and notices the CD has stopped playing, causing him to sweat anxiously) Principal Walker??? Is that you???

(A shadow eclipses over him)

**Joey:** (shivering) I thought I told you...guys...not to c-come up here...

(He notices it has gotten darker. His eyes slide to the back of his head, and he sees TWO real grizzly bears towering over him. They growl in fury)

**Joey:** (screams bloody murder as his pupils turn into skulls) ***MOTHER OF MERCY!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY GRIZZLY BEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!***

(They roar at him, and he screams even louder, making a run for his life)