recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Episode 148

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon where you can get every episode a week early as well as other fun stuff like Mike trying to solve the world’s most diabolical Encyclopedia Brown mysteries! http://patreon.com/372pages

The first full episode of The Starlight Barking goes in, shall we say, some unexpected directions. Lots more talk of pure bloodlines and hastily assembled coups than we expected in the *sequel to 101 Dalmatians.* Fortunately there’s also a healthy amount of whooshing, humping, and implied scooting thrown in! And that’s just by Conor during a surprisingly challenging Real or Fanfic segment!

**Note**: Mike’s microphone encountered some issues that resulted in reduced audio quality on his end. The source has been found and it won’t happen again. Feel free to roast him in the comments.

**Assignment**: Read thru Chapter 8"
Episode 70

## Description

"Alas, today we finish Moon People by Dale M. Courtney. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve eaten cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster and then gotten busy as hell afterwards. But there’s only one way to bring this saga to a close: run the thing into a ditch and hitchhike away from it when it’s still smoldering!

Yes, anyone who was hoping for a satisfying end to the saga will have to move on to book 2 because this one just kinda ends. But before it does, we get what is probably the worst space battle ever written, first contact with aliens who go on to compliment our eggplant Parmesan and then show us their space museum, and a remarkably chill version of the president of the United States. All this excitement will make us for get that our main character kinda just stands around for the final third of the book.

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! They’ll be the first to find out about our next book, they also get every episode early, fun contests, bonus stuff and more! Join them at patreon.com/372pages

All this plus an examination of the ebook’s final “About the Author” section, a visit to the Dark Web 2.0, and Dumb Sentences and listener emails!"
Episode 68

## Description

"Hey, there he is! The shadow has lifted from the moon, and from our souls, and MOON PEOPLE is the glorious result! There’s so much to discuss here, so pledge to yourselves and to God that you won’t tell anyone else about it and we’ll get started! There’s:

-DMC’s never before seen method of writing dialogue

-What is a 222?

-Differences between print and kindle version

-Hang on I’m going to eat a quick sandwich

-Which Daytona Red Lobster are they visiting?

-Does any of this math check out?

-Is astronomy a science?

–Cathy Rigby???

Join us on Patreon! By supporting the podcast you can get every episode before everyone else, and get bonus stuff. This week supporters got Lauren’s entire 20 minute editorial breakdown of the DMC’s intro that provoked comments such as 'Stop, stop, he’s already dead!' patreon.com/372pages

Plus we do some research and discover there actually WAS an editor on this book! And DMC recorded their conversations for posterity! Plus Emails, Dumb Sentences (hoo boy), and a very tricky Real or Fanfic!

For next time read thru chapter 13."
Episode 131

## Description

"Our patreon supporters have been reading this book for a week already! Join in the fun at patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here (Free on Kindle Unlimited)

*Super Constitution* behind them, Mike and Conor look toward a future of cabins that have beds with way too many pillows on them, you know, where you go to sleep and have to spend five minutes figuring out where to pile the pillows so you don’t step on them and slip in the dark of night; like, *so* many pillows that you become angry and start questioning the need for any pillow at all, anywhere? And your significant other starts insisting you keep your voice down because the hosts are just one room away, so you stage whisper as you hold up a non-functional pillow that’s sheathed in a frilly covering, “I mean, what is the goal here? Whose life is made better by this?!” so eventually you manage to cram them in a closet and barely close it…

But! The next morning it snowed and you’re cozy and you have baking powder biscuits and fresh fruit and tea *and you sit on cane-back chairs and eat yogurt from the back of a spoon!!!!!!!!! JUST COZY AS ALL #$%$(\*&%!!!*

Assignment: Read through Chapter 13"
Episode 53

## Description

"We finally finish Charles E. Harris aka The Horny Grandpa’s saga Trucking Through Time. Tension is high as we finally will get an answer to our big question: will the author handle things sloppily or hamfistedly?? There’s a big military standoff, sexy-time both across the river and in the breakdown lane of an interstate, and frankly, way more James A. Garfield involvement than anyone was expecting.

Unfortunately, there’s just not enough of our two favorite characters: the Denver lunch clairvoyant and Dale’s loser son. Guess we’ll just have to wait for a sequel!

Thanks again as always to our Patreon Supporters who get every episode early and are thus will be the first to hear about our NEXT BOOK! Last week they also got a great bonus episode where Bridget Nelson weighed in on her memories or the terrible books Mike has brought into their home. And come on out to see us on 9/18 at Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis! "
Episode 135

## Description

"Shake off your weighted blanket and put down that spoon you’re licking yogurt off the back of. It’s no longer cozy season, dammit! It’s time for Book 23 and we’ve got a listener recommendation that promises to be absolutely as uncozy as Christmas River was cozy. In fact, we’re not even certain Coziness had been invented when this book came out!

Here is gallery of images we discuss in this episode

Buy the book here or read for free online.

First assignment: Read thru Chapter 5"
Episode 40

## Description

"Time to start our seventh book together! This one promises to be quite the journey. Don’t want to ruin this surprise, so get listening!

Oh and by the way, our Patreon supporters have been reading this book all weekend because they get every episode early! Lucky them…? If you want to join them, we really appreciate the support! patreon.com/372pages"
Episode 157

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon! By the time this posts, we’ll already have posted the next episode on there! http://patreon.com/372pages

Time to check in with Murphy, Carmen, Ophelia, Uncle Kidd, Marisol, Granddaddy, Aunt Lucy, Aunt Lindy, Darbie Grimes, Darbie Grimes’ mother, three dead husbands killed in an unknown accident, Simon, Lawrence Galloway, Miquel, Douglas, Judge Ed Simpson, Paul Turner, Phyllis Newton, Bailey Fox, Jerry, Mandy, Charles Deever, Dan Stevens, Mrs. Dan Stevens, Dr. Garrett, Melva Brooks, Lorine Reynolds, Pastor Mark Reed, Janet Crosby, Sherriff Ken Grayson, and Walter Green of Sunflower, Texas.

Santa dies, the blood pools around his head, his hair and presumably some flesh are stuck on the bedpost of our narrator and the handsome sheriff is covering up the fact that obviously foul play is involved. In other words, cozy!

READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the book.

Get the book here (affiliate link)"
Episode 110

## Description

"Join the 372 Pages Patreon and get early access to every new episode! Patreon.com/372pages

This book was a surprise, packed with hidden delights. So too this episode including

-A brand new department: Appreciate Mark Twain

-Several dives to the Dark Web

-More than one improv regarding Sir John’s locked rooms

-Dumb Sentences

-A stunning Real or Fanfic

READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 14!"
Episode 111

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon, and hear all about Mike’s Time Advocate theory! patreon.com/372pages

Just when you thought Irene Iddesleigh was just going to be kind of old-timey funny, the type of funny that would cause Samuel Clemens to sort of let out a little laugh through his nose, it goes completely bananas off-the-rails insane!! Beheaded ancestors, murder rooms, cocoanut matte carpeting, grim gore, hair-raising escapes led by loyal maids, the firing of Rachel Hyde and Tom Hepworth, trips to Dobb’s Ferry.

Trust us, it’s deranged.

Oh, and there’s Real or Fanfic, Mail, and Dumb Sentences.

Play Erin’s Escape Probability game here."
Episode 1

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages.

Get the book here.

In this episode, we’ll learn how calibrated your tastes are with Conor’s, meet our Rubenesque main characters, discuss the book’s generously amorphous definition of 80s pop culture, examine how hard it is to pull of convincing computer operating systems in entertainment, and wonder what possible role the undercurrent of atheism could possibly play in the book about Atari games.

This episode covers the introduction and first three chapters of Ready Player One. For next time, read thru Chapter 8, page 86 in our edition.

Want something good to read? Get Conor’s book, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe!"

## Notes

* The first two sentences in the Episode Description promoting the Patreon and the book link were added sometime later, as the Patreon was not set up until November 2018.

## Inside References

* Dan Brown is referenced, who will later become a Featured Author in the podcast with his book *Digital* *Fortress*.
* The origin of the Cline-ean trope "several signature 80s dance moves" occurs in this episode.

## Departments

### Who Do You Love?

Mike asks Conor his opinions on various topics for the listeners to calibrate their tastes against his.

* Meatloaf (the food): positive
* Meatloaf (the sweaty guy): positive
* Sports Talk Radio: negative
* Songbirds: positive
* Mockingbirds: strong distaste
* Amanda Seyfried: not a fan
* Every single Marvel Comics movie: negative
* Coffee, alcohol, spicy foods: positive
* Spin Doctors: not a fan
Episode 88

## Description

"Yes, this may be the final episode of *Midnight Sun* but Alice has looked into the future and Mike and Conor are still reading it in every possibility but this one.

We won’t spoil anything about the episode itself but stay tuned to the very end and help us (and 372 listener Josh who sent it in) solve the deep mystery of the shared / unshared lasagna in the greater *Twilight* universe…

Join us for our next book, *Ready Player Two!* Our patreon supporters get access to the newest episodes before anyone else, so join the fun! patreon.com/372pages"
Episode 114

## Description

"Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! Please join them so we can have enough supporters to outnumber the centaurs in this book. patreon.com/372pages

This book is amazing! It’s an amazing book! Conor, 40 years-old, yelled to Mike, who was made of human parts, 'I can’t believe how amazing this book is!' They then both galloped over to their special sticks\* and said words into them about the book!

\*microphones!

Assignment: Read up until the thrilling, dramatic sentence 'He then finished doing all of his chores.' This is the end of Chapter 5 in the paperback version. We will include Chapter 3, which we did not have time for this time, in the next episode."

## Notes

The initial release of this episode was titled with "Episode 113" instead of "Episode 114."

The reading assignment for this episode was for Chapters 1 - 3. Only Chapters 1 - 2 are covered in this episode due to time constraints.
Episode 29

## Description

"Well, the pace sure as hell was unrelenting, folks. We’ve reached the end of TekWar, and there both is and isn’t a lot to talk about. Chest-high walls, disdainful robot pimps, the brief and wondrous life of Sonny Hokori are all just the tip of the iceberg. Thanks to all who hitched their wagons to the Shatlart skytrain for this plasride!

As announced in the episode, we’ll be taking a look at the TekWar TV movie soon as a Patreon exclusive, so stay tuned for that. Conor also has his eye on the next title, so we will get started on that soon as well!"
Episode 75

## Description

"Looking for good writing in a Dan Brown book is a lot like looking for a sock in a bedroom the size of Texas while sewage spews forth out of a crystal decanter. And this section of DIGITAL FORTRESS is no exception.

As the book theoretically reaches the stage where it will have a point, questions still remain such as: Who should we trust, Hale or Strathmore? Do earrings count as needles? Does Genius mean the same thing to Dan Brown as it does the rest of us? How many times can our hosts use the word “Pubis”?

Our Patreon supporters get every episode early, plus access to bonus recordings and contests! Join them at patreon.com/372pages

Pour yourself a silent mug of Guatemalan java and enjoy our latest episode. For next time read thru Chapter 100."
Episode 79

## Description

"Conor is able to somehow follow the plot of *My Immortal*! A power that comes in handy when having to explain it to Mike who views it as somewhat more abstruse than the Voynich manuscript.

A packed if mercifully briefer episode than last time we steal mail (including some amazing mash-ups by our listeners), Mike fails spectacularly at *Real Fanfic or Fake Fanfic,* Conor dives to the dark web once again.

Oh, and the Sonic Challenges are among the best.

Join us on Patreon to get every episode in early, get tons of additional audio, enter contests, and more! patreon.com/372pages

READING ASSIGNMENT FOR NEXT TIME: Finish this collection of typed symbols."
Episode 66

## Description

"A shocking Very Special Episode! A first in the history of the podcast, possibly a first for any podcast!

The smelly, repugnant, filth-caked, farm-animal-of-a-girl Elora is discussed at length which leads to not one BUT two shocking bathroom tales from Mike and Conor! (Can you get that from Conan’s podcast, I think not?!)

All the departments are here, and it’s just possible that Mike is hitting his stride in Real or Fanfic.

Plus: We discuss the appearance in Shadow Moon of a literal 'hell of a rig'.

Support the podcast and join us on Patreon! Get every episode early, bonus eps, contests, our discord and more! patreon.com/372pages

EDIT: Neglected to give the reading assignment which is… wait for it… brace yourselves… yep… FINISH THE BOOK. (We know you’re not going to do that so sorry for the fake drama.)"
Episode 102

## Description

"Please support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early, access to our Discord, and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages

Conor and Mike wade into the fever dream like madness that is Tyra Banks’ *Modelland* but *not before* Mike gets his comeuppance on an issue of pronunciation.

And since no Dark Web recreators could possibly capture the insanity we’re left with lots of Sonic Challenges, tons of Dumb Sentences, top notch letters from listeners, and a pretty good turn from Mike in Real or Fanfic!

Next assignment: Read through Chap 20."
TekWar

**TekWar** is a 1989 novel nominally written by William Shatner, but in fact largely ghostwritten by Ron Goulart. It was the fourth book covered by the podcast, and the basis for episodes 22 through 29.

## External Links

* Amazon: Kindle, Paperback
* 307 Pages I Got Back, Parts 1, 2, 3, 4. Jordan Roher won Conor's copy of the book and is sharing the written comments found within. See how the sausage is made.

## 372 Pages Glossary

* **"said the robot pimp disdainfully"**. an actual tag to a line of dialogue. It was surmised by Mike and Conor that this would improve any line in a novel, *i.e.*, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," said the robot pimp disdainfully.
* **Shatlart.** Vaguely discomfiting portmanteau of authors Shatner and Goulart.
Episode 59

## Description

"

* Cline
* Cline
* Theis
* Shatlart
* Thrash
* Pappy
* James
* Harris
* Stoker…

Who’s next? Listen and find out!

(Hey! Patreon supporters have known about this book for a week already and have been snatching up the cheapest used copies! Join them for early access to every episode, bonus eps, videos, contests, and more! patreon.com/372pages)"
Episode 22

## Description

"Let’s not delay this any longer: We’ve got a new book picked out to read together, and by all accounts it’s gonna be a doozy. So let’s say goodbye to Norgolia and move on to… Well, you’ll have to listen to find out!

We didn’t know the assignment for **MYSTERY BOOK REDACTED** when we recorded, but now we do: read thru Chapter 7, that’s page 54 in our version.

Please email us your thoughts on the new book, as well as any fanfic you might cook up in your twisted little brains. And if you care to, support us on Patreon! They’ve already known about this book for days and raided their local stores for the cheapest used copies! patreon.com/372pages"
Episode 62

## Description

"Gather round victuallers and chandlers, alike! Lacquer your fur down and join us as we dig further into the Thillow-verse.

Can Mike get a soild D or D- in Real or Fanfic? How’s Thorn’s stand-up routine (the dark web knows)? Can Conor pronounce “magus” any better than “Ogden”? What’s the theoretical limit for a book’s chapter length? Also:

* Pop quizzes
* Mail from you listeners
* Dumb sentences
* Minor glamours are cast
* Eagles mate

Our Patreon supporters have been listening to this episode for days now. DAYS! Join them at patreon.com/372pages, get every episode early, get access to our exclusive discord channel, see Conor’s favorite Tekwar cards and more!

Finally, want to force Mike to go see a Star War? Then check out a way to do it in the service of a good cause: click here."
Episode 54

## Description

"We’re on our ninth book! We now have enough bad books to field a baseball team or form our own personal Wu-Tang Clan of crappy literature. No reason to delay any further, hit play to find out what we’re reading next, and then come see us at our September 18th live show in Minneapolis!

Oh, by the way, Patreon supporters have been reading this book all weekend! Join them for just $5 a month and get every episode early! You’ll also get access to Mike’s conversation with Bridget about her fond and not-so-fond 372 memories, Conor’s conversation with Lauren about a book they hated together, and much more! patreon.com/372pages

For the first episode read Chapters 1-8.

Here’s a link to the amazon version we are using. And a link to a free ebook download.

(The giveaway mentioned in this episode is already concluded.)"
Episode 0

## Description

"Welcome to 372 Pages We’ll Never Get Back! This is a podcast book club where we are reading the bestselling novel *Ready Player One* by Ernest Cline. In this episode, Mike and Conor lay out their expectations, examine some of the critical praise for the book, and take a quiz to see which great works of literature they will *not* be reading at the expense of Ready Player One.

Your reading assignment before the next episode: the Introduction and Chapters 1-3 (this is 46 pages in our edition.)

If you have any questions or ideas as you read along please send them our way! We’re on twitter and facebook, our personal twitters are @clastowka and @michaeljnelson or send us an email."

## Inside References

* The 372 Pages theme song makes its first appearance.
* Mike and Conor work together at RiffTrax, which is first mentioned here.
* Conor mentions his and Mike's personal Twitter accounts, but Mike has since deleted his account.
* The 372 Pages Twitter, Facebook, and email address are first mentioned.

## Real-World References

### Books

* *Art of War* by Sun Tzu
* *The Four Musketeers* by Alexandre Dumas
* *Game of Thrones* series by George RR Martin
* *Gravity's Rainbow* by Thomas Pynchon
* *Harry Potter* series by JK Rowling
* *Ready Player One* by Ernest Cline
* *War and Peace* by Leo Tolstoy

#### 100 Best Novels of the 20th Century from Modern Library

1. *Ulysses* by James Joyce
2. *The Great Gatsby* by F. Scott Fitzgerald
3. *A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man* by James Joyce
4. *Lolita* by Vladimir Nabokov
5. *Brave New World* by Aldous Huxley
6. *The Sound and the Fury* by William Faulkner
7. *Catch-22* by Joseph Heller
8. *Darkness at Noon* by Arthur Koestler
9. *Sons and Lovers* by DH Lawrence
10. *The Grapes of Wrath* by John Steinbeck

#### Modern Library 100 Best Novels (The Reader's List)

1. *Atlas Shrugged* by Ayn Rand
2. *The Fountainhead* by Ayn Rand
3. *Battlefield Earth* by L. Ron Hubbard
4. *The Lord of the Rings* by JRR Tolkien
5. *To Kill a Mockingbird* by Harper Lee
6. *1948* by George Orwell
7. *Anthem* by Ayn Rand
8. *We the Living* by Ayn Rand
9. *Mission Earth* by L. Ron Hubbard
10. *Fear* by L. Ron Hubbard

### Locations

* Comic-Con
* Times Square

### Movies

* *Ready Player One*
* *Local Hero*
* *Field of Dreams*
* *Indiana Jones*
* *Back to the Future*
* *Gremlins*
* *Transformers*

### People

* Saul Bellow
* Timothy Busfield (Minneapolis incident)
* John Hughes
* Walter Mondale
* Thomas Pynchon
* Steven Spielberg
* Leo Tolstoy
* Ivan Turgenev

### Periodicals

* BoingBoing.com
* Huffington Post
* New York Times
* Otaku
* Sacramento News and Review
* USA Today

### TV Shows

* *Seinfeld*
* This is the first time the ***Simpsons*** is referenced in the podcast.
* *Thirty-Something*

### Various and Sundry

* The hosts joke about doing **Casper Mattress** & **Leesa Mattress** ads if this podcast takes off. These companies are frequent advertisers on many podcasts.
* Conor mentions **lutefisk**, a Norwegian dried whitefish dish.
* Matchbox cars
* Iran Contra
* Trader Joe's
Episode 138

## Description

"Support the Podcast on Patreon and hear all about the \*first\* arson Mike committed! Plus get every episode a week early and lots of other non-arson content: http://patreon.com/372pages

Martians, space battles, disintegrators, heat rays, murdered crows — the only thing missing from this story? Colonel Alonzo Jefferson Smith! Sylphan harp players! Compressed food, stolen and eaten with great care!

Also, Mike does pretty well at Real or FanFic, heh heh…

READING ASSIGNMENT finish the book!

Get the book here

Or download the free ebook here"
Episode 7

## Description

"In this episode, Wade Watts faces the possibility of a lifetime of slavery! But then he gets out of it easily thanks to his hacking prowess, which he totally has had all along but forgot to mention.

We’ll talk the unceasing cultural relevance of the 'hang in there baby' motivational poster, the concept of Performative Niceness, and revisit some of Wade and Aech’s most meaningful conversations, where they connected on a purely mental level in the most intimate way possible.

Your assignment for next week: finish the damn book!"
Episode 143

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon! Because of you, Mike watched *Forrest Gump* for the first time this week!

There is nothing that could prepare you for the, ahem, choices Mr. Weir makes in these chapters so may as well dig in.

Though we will say Mike slightly improves his fortunes in Real or Fanfic.

Get the book here

ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 10"
Neapolitan

> "*Without Aria and Blu... I would never existed.*"
> ― Neaoplitan
>
>

**Neapolitan** is an Inkling character created by Azure the Crystal Switch Dog (formerly Aria Neptunia Octavia). She is Luke Salmen's ex-girlfriend, created from Blu Inkling's DNA.

## Trivia

* The results of her death is when both Azure the Crystal Switch Dog and Blu Inkling left the community.
Trucking Through Time

**Trucking Through Time** is a 2003 novel by Charles E. Harris. It was the eighth book covered on the podcast, and the basis for episodes 48 through 53.

There is no official ebook version of Trucking Through Time.

## External Links

* Amazon: Paperback

(also available through other print-on-demand services, such as AuthorHouse or AbeBooks)

## 372 Pages Glossary

* **"Grandpa, No!"**. Exclamation uttered when a good-hearted, sweet-natured author gets suddenly rather horny.
Shadow Moon

**Shadow Moon** is a 1995 novel by George Lucas and Chris Claremont, written as a sequel to the movie *Willow*. It was the tenth book covered on the podcast, and the basis for episodes 59 through 67.

There is no commercially-available e-book version of Shadow Moon, but it is available on Overdrive — check your local library!

## External Links

* Amazon: Paperback
* Overdrive: e-book

## 372 Pages Glossary

* **Clucas.** Vaguely discomfiting portmanteau of authors George Lucas and Chris Claremont.
* **The floor.** (as in, "**becoming the floor**".) Something that actually happens to Thorn Drumheller, later used as an example of an over-reaching author trying to bafflingly describe a something utterly incomprehensible.

## Reaction

The final episode covering this book was titled, "The Worst Book We've Ever Read" — and this came *after* Mike and Conor read *Bob Honey*.
Episode 106

## Description

"Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! Join them over at patreon.com/372pages

Mike catches Conor up on the the plot, which involves a lot of filth, sores, blood, detached limbs, wounds and severed torsos. In other words, just another Tuesday at Modelland!

As this is a Very Special Episode, we’d love your opinion on whether or not we should match it for the final episode of Modelland (we will of course return to form for the next book!)"
Episode 76

## Description

"The Brownisms are coming fast and furious now, like chapters in a Dan Brown book!

Conor does Real or Fanfic, we Steal People’s Mail, there are Dumb Sentences galore and Mike discovers the original ending of *The Fugitive!*

And we meet a ninety-pound live wire!

Join us on Patreon to get every episode early, plus bonus eps, Meet the Authors segments, contests and more! patreon.com/372pages"

## Departments

### Real or Fanfic

* Conor was put to task on this edition.
* Conor's response to the reveal on Sentence 3 was a guttural "No!"
Patreon

**Patreon** is a membership platform making it easier for subscribers to send a regular monthly payment to content creators, in return for various goods and services. In the context of *372 Pages* it is the primary way the hosts see anything back for their time and a source of funds for giving to charity. Occasionally content is made exclusive to subscribers of various levels.

The 372 Pages Patreon has two membership levels: "Pull a Pendergast" for $1 per month and "Classic Gunters" for $5 per month. Both include Discord benefits, but the "Classic Gunters" gets you "the podcast early on your own exclusive feed!"

### Patreon Goods and Services

A lot goes on in 372 Patreon community, much of which feeds into the podcast content itself. Among the regular content includes "Meet the Authors" posts, Meme Contests, Mail Bags (particularly for episodes that run long), Classical Minis, and other various videos and discussions.
Episode 153

## Description

"Join the fun on Patreon, where you get every episode a week early, participate in our discord, and get lots of other stuff you can’t get anywhere else. patreon.com/372pages

Like jumping into a waterfall and landing in a Nile River of madness, *The Adventures of the Teen Archaeologists (Book 1) The Land of the Moepeks* by Larry and Denise Ellis does not disappoint. The character names come at you fast and furious, there’s a disproportionate amount of yelling, a ton of sarcasm, some non-caring remarks, and best of all, flying dinosaurs from Flying Dinosaur Island which is right next door to the Land of the Moepeks.

A lot of great Fanfic, Dumb Sentences and Listener Mail to boot.

**Assignment**: Read thru Chapter 11

**Links**:

- John’s signed and annotated copy of How To Revive The Middle Class (Get your own here (affiliate link)

- Jan’s exhaustive character spreadsheet

The much discussed potential tattoo"
Episode 71

## Description

"A straightforward Dan Brown thriller, if by straightforward you mean vastly underpaid Georgetown professors sticking their heads into drinking fountains and forcing their strange dietary habits on unwitting squash partners.

We also hear from some experts on language and cryptography (and general human behavior, for that matter) about the many many things Mr. Brown gets extremely wrong.

On Patreon we’ve been posting daily quarantine minis, covering wide-ranging topics such as Andy Roony, Beethoven, and Alf dolls. Join the fun at patreon.com/372pages

We have Dumb Sentence of the Week, we Steal People’s Mail, Mike is challenged in Real or Fanfic, Conor hacks into the NSA to steal some of their crap, and also, Mike does a short set at a local comedy club using the humor of our sexy, chiseled leads!

For next time: Read through chapter 22

BTW: a lion drinking fountain liondrinkingfountain.com/pb/wp\_07d17bfd/images/img232744df90d60201a7.jpg"
Episode 121

## Description

"Our first full episode of diving into the Winston Groom book *Gump & Co.*

So much is uncovered here, including Mike’s grandmother’s encounter with Houdini, Conor’s visit with broadcasting legend Larry King, some Dumb Sentences and some Real or FanFic; during which Mike either does or does not repeat recent past triumphs!

Patreon supporter goals as outlined in this episode:

**863**: Conor tries one of Forrest’s New Coke “improvements”

**873**: Conor tries the other one

**883**: Mike goes to the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co in the Mall of America

**Assignment**: Read thru Chapter 7"
Episode 27

## Description

"Chapter 22 of Tekwar may be the second stupidest chapter we’ve read on this podcast. The first, of course, being the one in Armada where The Emissary just, you know, cures cancer and every other disease. But this one is close. We will explain why in great detail.

We’ll also FINALLY meet one of the characters the other characters have been talking about. We’ll get to bask in presence of the charismatic, bon vivant that is The Fat Globo. We’ll encounter racist android brothel owners. And we’ll see how Mike does on his Fan Fic guessing even though he’s misplaced his lucky pencil.

Supporters of our Patreon get every episode for free and we also try to throw in bonus stuff from time to time like the plasquiz discussed in this episode and Mike’s upcoming, long awaited discussion of how he got the nickname Mad Dog. Thanks to everyone who supports it, if you’d like to join them, here’s the link: patreon.com/372pages

For next time, read thru Chapter 30!"
372 Pages Wiki

## Welcome to 372 Pages Wiki

An unofficial wiki for information related to the podcast 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back and the books it covers.

## Key Pages

* Episode List
* Books
* Rankings
* Patreon
* Tropes
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Moepek

***The Adventures of the Teen Archaeologists (Book 1): The Land of the Moepek*** is a 2010 teen adventure novel written by the husband-and-wife team of Larry Ellis and Denise Brown Ellis.

It was the twenty-sixth book covered on the podcast, and the basis for episodes 151 through 155, and the second book by the Ellises. It was chosen by Patreon members from three book choices issued by the hosts.

## External Links

* Amazon: Paperback
* Goodreads
Episode 28

## Description

"If you’d told us way back in Episode 25 – Meetings About Sonny Hokori, if we’d still be having meetings about Sonny Hokori 150 pages later, we would have thrown the book across the room. And yet, here we are.

We’re back after the holiday break (feeling kind of glum, guess we just miss Ogden Swires) with a thorough dive into the second to last section of TEKWAR. Time to question the wisdom of installing cyborg limbs that seem to be weaker than flesh ones, explore the oppressive censorship of the Bishop of Acapulco and meet two strong contenders for Best Characters in the Book. Plus, we’ll examine the rise of the Plas industry, and the fall of another, and read some very exciting FanFic that is probably gonna be better than how the book actually ends.

Assignment for next time: finish the damn book!

Thanks to all our patreon supporters! Support for as little as a dollar per month, or chip in 5 and get access to every episode early! patreon.com/372pages"
Episode 132

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon and get some EXTRA cozy this Christmas season! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book HERE (it’s free on Kindle Unlimited)

Well, Conor and Mike are back in Cozyville where they tick off the cozy cliches:

* Sentient dog
* Drunk, unpleasant, misanthropic grandfather
* Horrible tourists
* Money-grubbing shop owners
* Platinum blonde pie shop workers who “date” every man in town
* Handsome, divorced podiatrists who work for free
* Horny young men who spill coffee on their horny selves
* German doctors who prescribe Melba toast to their patients

You know, the same old routine.

Bonus: Mike does NOT do well at Real or Fanfic.

READING ASSIGNMENT: Through Chapter 30 for next time (chapters are very short!)"
Episode 74

## Description

"Victor Hugo just texted Dan Brown, 'Dude, back it down on the chapters, man! It’s not a contest.' Tolstoy throws in a, 'Yeah, cut it out, man.'

Yes, the sparse words continue to spill out on the increasing number of pages of Dan Brown’s 'Digital Fortress' so Conor and Mike can only counter it with more of their words.

All the departments are here: Mike makes an attempt at Real or Fanfic. Conor combed the Dark Web and found something other than a rig. Jabba pounds a few damp calzones.

And folks, I can’t keep the news from you anymore — I’m sorry… Two-Tone is dead.

I’ll hold a respectful silence while you insert your own Darth Vader-esque “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”‘s….

Join us on Patreon for Quarantine Minis, early access to every episode, and the Meme Contest we’re currently running! patreon.com/372pages

NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read chapters 61 through 80!! (Double exclamation points intentional).

EDIT: Here’s the Gary Gulman standup we referenced  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLECCmKnrys "
Episode 147

## Description

"If you were on Patreon, you’d have known what the new book was a week ago! Join the fun at patreon.com/372pages

Let’s figure out what the TWENTY-FIFTH book we’re going to read together will be, but first, Conor quizzes Mike on some direct to VHS Real or Fanfic.

Link to buy Book 25: https://amzn.to/3NQG5S7

**Reading Assignment**: Thru Chapter 4"
Episode 63

## Description

"A jam-packed episode made all the more thrilling because Mike’s computer crashed twice while making it. Was it ensorcelled by a HardDriveHeron with CrashCharms? We may never know.

What else? Pretty straightforward, nothing really stands out — Oh, wait: Willow becomes a floor. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory.

If you enjoy the podcast, please consider supporting it on Patreon! Get every episode early, access to an exclusive Discord server, and extra bonus stuff! patreon.com/372pages"
Episode 49

## Description

"Having trucked through time, our heroes Chad Hand and Dale Rhea (seriously) must now deal with the perils of life in the late 17th or early 18th century. This mainly involves taping things to sticks and feeding a young boy pork and beans.

We’ll also get to meet approximately three dozen members of the Sioux tribe, some of whom manage to die before they’re even introduced. We’ll also meet members of the US army, introduced in an unconventional manner Harris employs known as 'confusing the living shit out of us.'

Fanfic this week proved both hilarious and tricky, and we unearthed a dark web interview with the author himself.

For next time, read thru Chapter 10, page 174!

(Heather’s character spreadsheet available here)"

## References

Audio clip from "Winnebago Man" (00:06:42)

   Blue Duck from *Billy Madison (1995)* (00:50:17)

Keyser Söze, a character from *The Usual Suspects (1995)* (1:38:41)
Episode 145

## Description

"Join the few, the proud, the jackals and support the podcast on Patreon! Every episode a week early and other fun stuff.

The penultimate Artemis episode! Mike’s final attempt at Real or Fanfic has to compete with those red-hot references to Emily Post! Listener’s weigh in and there are Dumb Sentences of the Week.

**ASSIGNMENT**: Finish the damn book!"
Episode 5

## Description

"This week we’re talking Wade’s Rig. And folks — it is a hell of a rig. We’ll also discuss the seemingly booming post-apocalyptic economy that makes all this gunting possible, venture into the immersive world of text adventure games, and visit several game rooms, bowling alleys and pizza joints. It’s all very classic.

All this plus… Well, if you’re read chapter 19, you know what we have to talk about.

This episode covers chapters 19 thru 24 of Ready Player One. For next time, read thru chapter 29, page 282 in our edition.

This is a book club, so get in touch!  We’re on twitter and facebook, our personal twitters are @clastowka and @michaeljnelson or send us an email."
Episode 126

## Description

"Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode early, hear our recent live show from Minneapolis, and more great stuff! patreon.com/372pages

Webster’s defines “insane” as THIS BOOK!

Find out how a book titled SUPER CONSTITUTION is hornier than The Mister, Susan Fletcher, and a Moon People date at Red Lobster combined. We’ll also meet (and then quickly abandon) a being from a galaxy 21 light years away, witness the most impressive Karate display be a five year old in history, and read a sentence that will insure you never look at an octopus the same way every again.

For next time read thru Chapter, er, we mean Article 8!"
Michael J. Nelson

**Michael J. Nelson** (born October 11, 1964) is one of the two hosts of 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back along with Conor Lastowka. He is most known for his involvement as actor and head writer for *Mystery Science Theater 3000*, as well as starting up RiffTrax. Mike has authored a few books: *Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese*, *Mike Nelson's Mind Over Matters*, and *Mike Nelson's Death Rat!*

For "Real or Fanfic" Mike typically takes on the role of contestant to Conor's reading of passages.
Episode 93

## Description

"Ernest Cline’s runaway best seller continues to disgust and annoy us, even as it approaches the home stretch. In this episode we wrap up the seemingly endless John Hughes quest by meeting an actual John Hughes NPC (not actually John Hughes). Then we’re off to Halcydonia, where we all try to pretend that Zoobilee Zoo wasn’t a terrifying TV show. Then it’s off to the Prince Planet, where our characters alternate between weeping about their abusive childhoods and trying to go hump things at virtual strip clubs. It’s just great.

All this plus the long-awaited merging of the High Five and the Low Five, Fanfic or Real, and Dumb Dumb Dumb Sentences.

Support the podcast on Patreon and get early access to every episode plus other fun bonus stuff you’ll only find there! patreon.com/372pages

For next time, read thru Chapter 26. And yeah, Conor’s audio is a bit lower fidelity than it should be, he was recording on a remote rig that was only a heckuva a rig, not a hell of a. It will be fixed going forward."
Episode 64

## Description

"Mike and Conor have a pretty straightforward discussion about how Thorn née Willow formerly 'the floor' kinda sorta transforms into The Demon / A Dragon / Some Stones / a Liquid Mass of His Own Melted Organs / Some Shards / A Mountain / a Swimmer / a Fish, etc., and in that state puffs air into the demon’s daughter who may or may not be Elora, and then, as he has done several times before, looks around the castle, gets pulverized, crushed, bloody, turns into one searing mass of unbearable agony, then pops through some masonry and starts shoving people into moon fire.

So, pretty clear, though some unusual stuff does happen along the way.

Plus: Conor does Real or FanFic and you won’t believe what happens next!

Join us on Patreon where all sorts of fun stuff happens! Early access to every episode, a private discord channel, and other nonsense! patreon.com/372pages

For next episode \*deep soul-weary sigh\* read fifty more pages!"
Episode 26

## Description

"Roll your cartoon wolf tongues back into your mouths, we’ve got a new episode! This week we finally get to meet the lusted after Beth Kittridge… Well, kind of…

Mike also coins a new, revolting portmanteau for our favorite author duo: Shatlart, while Conor does his best to try to pronounce the name Ogden, which bafflingly is the name of more than one character in this stupid, stupid book.

A huge thanks to our Patreon supporters, who get access to every episode early! Join them at patreon.com/372pages

For next time read thru Chapter 26!"
Charlotte

## Status

### Allies

Diana (His mother)Pogo (his brother)

Poncy

Dr Octoman

Dark disease

Kinesis

Octo\_35.0

Dark ruffini

Liana

Coretta

Noelle

Damian

Cassandra

Dark\_ink

Monica

Blackberry

Scarett

Sophia

Skylar

Janet

Geraldine

Octo\_Obsidian

### Enemies

KiaraAnnette

Eliana

Tamara

Nayeli

Carolina

Gaizka

Gina

Kasia

Angela

Omette

Mike

* New\* Alexa

Sierra (Water elemental)

Octavia (Earth Elemental)

Josephine (Fire elemental)

Lina (Air elemental)

Madeliene

Estrella

Esmeralda

Jimena

Fiona

James

Melissa

Oliver

Ella

## Charlotte the Octoling

She was born on the magma egg, on Diana, also she is like Diana
Moon People

**Moon People** or **Moon People 1: The Age Of Aquarius** is a 2008 novel by Dale M. Courtney. It was the eleventh book covered on the podcast, and the basis for episodes 67a through 70.

## 372 Pages Glossary

* **Halloween.** A particularly unsettling date (for reasons that remain unclear) for a space launch. ("Now everyone is very suspicious about the next launch on the 31 because of it being Halloween.")
* **Red Lobster.** Hot date spot visited by the protagonist before some pre-spaceflight gettin' busy. ("He picked up Cheral and went to Red Lobster and had a great meal and then they went to the beach and parked.")
Episode 33

## Description

"All good things must come to an end. On a completely unrelated note, this book also must come to an end.

And what an ending it is! After pages and pages of repeated text and detailed descriptions of the families of characters who are never mentioned again, we get some actual, honest to god plot development. And when it finally happens, it’s more ludicrous than we could have ever hoped.

372 Pages is made possible by our generous Patreons who get our episodes early, get stuff we don’t post anywhere else, and two lucky ones are even going to walk away with signed copies of our books! Join them at patreon.com/372pages

We will warn you that by listening to this podcast, you may possibly receive a decade in prison without the possibility of parole in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, since evidently they hand those things out like candy on Halloween (or as it’s called in  Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, “Boxing Day”)

Hope you enjoyed the voyage into the Unoverse as much as we did!"
Episode 139

## Description

"Find out what our next book is going to be a week before everyone else! Join the 372 Patreon.

WOW! Really no words to describe the insane events in the final chapters of Edison’s Conquest of Mars, but we can attempt to sum it up with one syllable; Tom.

No Real or Fanfic here but as a bonus you’ll get Conor’s reimagining of this stone classic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXmShIyjJvg"
Episode 3

## Description

"It’s another classic episode of 372 Pages We’ll Never Get Back!

We’ll guess whether passages came from RP1 Fan Fiction or the novel itself, break down our hero’s obsession with the definitely-a-sexy-lady Art3mis, guess what’s in James Halliday’s bedroom, and check in with Edgar Nash: Gunter Expert! Then we’ll read some listener mail and nominate the Dumb Sentence of the Week.

This episode covers chapters 9 thru 13 of Ready Player One. For next time, read thru chapter 18, page 189 in our edition.

This is a book club, so get in touch!  We’re on twitter and facebook, our personal twitters are @clastowka and @michaeljnelson or send us an email 372pages@gmail.com"
Episode 37

## Description

"Our favorite unreliable narrator who is also a toilet salesman/mallet assassin is back to bring his book into the homestretch! We’ve got brand new onomatopoeias, lipstick smeared on teeth, and of course, boatloads of alliteration. There’s also a literal boat, which our hero uses to abandon Hurricane Katrina relief effort volunteers to their death. (this is the 'stuff' that he evidently 'just do.') There’s also got some fanfic which, though it may not be our most difficult batch yet, gives us a whole lot to look forward to in the book’s final chapters.

Best of all, author Sean Penn has popped up recently on the late night talk show circuit to promote Bob Honey’s paperback release. We’ll examine his recent appearance, where he claims to “laugh a lot while I am writing” and we’ll also look back at some of his previous talk show appearances, where he apparently has a go to defense of his writing that he trots out.

If you are enjoying the podcast, please considering kicking in a few bucks on our Patreon page! Just $5 gets you early access to every episode so you can get started on your fanfic before everyone else! patreon.com/372pages

We are thankfully finishing the damn book for next time!"
Episode 51

## Description

"In between the General reading reports, Trucking Through Time manages to fit in some genuinely insane moments. Our heroes literally get to meet God, and it’s the second craziest thing that happens. (The first is our favorite moment in all of literature.)

We’ll listen in on some surreptitious recordings made by Harris’ family, examine the GoodReads history of a guy who didn’t care for TTT and cares for cookbooks even less, and of course, will see if Mike can separate fanfic from real Harris text.

Consider chipping in a few bucks to our Patreon! We did a call-in show last week for our supporters that was a lot of fun. Get every episode early!

For next time, read thru Chapter 16, page 285. Only two more Truckin’ eps left!

And if you’re near Minneapolis, we’d love to see you at our live show, Wednesday September 18th at Sisyphus Brewing!"

## Glossary

This episode is the origin of the oft-referenced "Grandpa, No!"
Episode 45

## Description

"Our second favorite trafficking victim does NOT show up in this section of The Mister, but other than that, it’s jam packed. Anesthesia, post-trauma boning, and approximately 3/4 of a page of honest to god drama and tension!

Join us on Patreon! Get every episode early plus other fun stuff like cooking shows! patreon.com/372pages

Mike and Conor have been busy trying out recipes from the book, we’ll hear details about Conor’s Banoffee Pie and Mike will try some beef stew with prunes (Prunes?) live on the air. The 372 Pages Players make their dramatic return. We examine an Amazon reviewer’s other purchases. Plus reliable standbys like FanFic, DSOTW, and listener emails are all here!

For next time, read up to Pages 442, the section break that ends with “but I hope I find my girl.”"
Episode 30

## Description

"Well, we’ve found a new book to read together, and it certainly appears to be something special. More in the vein of 'Eye of Argon', this is one that was never going to hit the best seller list. But based on early scans it seems like it will be a lot of fun to dive into. Or maybe it’ll be like The Ring and we’ll all be dead in seven days! Who knows!

Looking forward to this new dive into a terrible book, please email your thoughts, reactions, fan-fic as soon as you get your hands on a copy!"