246: A Pompion's Guide to Six Rivers

## Summary

The party reviews a local hotel, the Dam Top Inn, which affords guests a dizzying outlook, *"the best view in all of Six Rivers,"* according to the halfling hotelier. They then make their way back outside and find the Grand Staircase, which leads all the way down to the city. On the way they find a sign advertising "The Grand Staircase Footrace" in two days' time, and get their first proper view of Beartoggle itself.

## Synopsis

Will needs convincing about the orange cheese, saying he'd prefer some normal cheese, like that from a cow, for example. Raphina says the only cows in Beartoggle are in the zoo. *"And the cows are the ones taking care of the people who are behind the cages."* She explains that her relative told her that cheese comes from owls, but that's different to the orange cheese. Will decides that neither are for him and tries the gravy fries sans cheese, and is relieved to find that he doesn't die.

The party approach the larger structure on the top of the dam, the one they'd seen earlier stretching out over the edge. Struts support the building as it leans out over the drop. It's a couple of storeys high. A nice bright sign out front says "The Dam Top Inn" and underneath in parentheses and in smaller text it says "Not for the faint of heart". Will feels conflicted between his very strong desire for a comfortable bed and the disconcerting feeling inspired by this sign. *"Do you think this is the only inn here?"* he says. Gwen assures him it can't be, based on the size of the city below. Will assumes the sign is referring to how high up it is, and he isn't actually afraid of heights so he suggests they check it out. *"I mean maybe it's the nicest place around or maybe it's a shithole and we can just keep moving on."* he says.

They go inside. A bell over the door rings as they enter. It's a very cosy little lobby with a nice plush carpet on the floor. There's various ferns and other plants in the corners. It's very clean. There is wood panelling giving the whole place a strong woodish smell. Overall, a nice, warm, softly lit room. There's a large wooden reception desk at the back with little cubbyholes and keys hung up behind it. There's an old halfling woman staffing the desk. A couple of doors lead off to the left and right and to the left of the desk, a set of stairs go up and back.

The old halfling greets them, *"Hello, welcome to The Dam Top Inn. May I interest you in a room?"* Gwen asks how long they've been here and is told that the inn has been in business for 30-40 years, almost as long as the dam. The halfling is the owner. Gwen asks if it's safe around here, saying she's heard there's a serial killer on the loose. The halfling says that the city guard will be on top of it, though they are a little thinned out as they're looking for a criminal of some sort. Gwen explains she heard the news in Morrow's Inlet and the halfling asks her about the "trouble" she heard they'd had: a rumour of a fire. She says people pass through with news, but nothing too specific. Gwen hesitates, before explaining there'd been an industrial accident at the paper factory, but says she doesn't know more than that. She's goes on to ask if *Tomorrow, Today!* operate here in Beartoggle, but the halfling explains they don't, as far as she knows, though they do trade here.

The halfling asks them if this is their first visit to Beartoggle. They all, very convincingly, say that it is. Will asks what this particular hotel's unique selling point is. The halfling says that her hotel has the best view in all of Six Rivers. She also explains they offer a warm bath, a well turned down bed and a nice hot roasted ear of corn when you wake up in the morning. While everyone is enthralled by the descriptions of these luxuries, Will carefully reverse pickpockets Gwen and puts 50gp in her pouch without her noticing. Will asks about other things the hotel might offer, such a spa or a safe. Gwen chimes in and asks if the hotel can provide some to spoon with them. The halfling says that there are districts in Beartoggle that can offer companionship, but *"above all and above everything else, you're not going to find a view like this anywhere else."* Raphina whispers to Will that they can stay here tonight and tomorrow they'll be able to try out somewhere else.

They're told that there are eight rooms in the hotel, three of which are free. The rate is 2sp per night. Will is very keen they don't all share, and even says he'll pay for all the rooms if he can have one of his own, but Sheemie wants to share with him. *"I thought we were gonna plan and scheme"* he says. They book the remaining three rooms: numbers 2, 3 and 6. Will wants to know which one is the best and they learn that there's one bed in each room and room 6 is on the floor above the other two. Raphina offers to sleep on the floor of Will and Sheemie's room. Will really wants his owns space, but he's very keen that Batthwack should be nearby *"so that I can help him"* he says, looking at Batthwack. He also adds *"We need to make sure that nobody causes any trouble with Ani. You know what I mean?"* A long debate ensues in which Sheemie attempts to solve this puzzle, analogous to the problem of the fox, the goose and the bag of grain. Will asks how big the beds are and is told that they're pretty large, enough that two of them could comfortably share.

They take the keys and head upstairs to inspect one of the rooms. Batthwack has the key to room 3 and opens the door. It's well appointed. There is a relatively large bed, but the main feature of the room is the far wall, which is made entirely of floor-to-ceiling glass, affording them a jaw-dropping view of the city sprawling far below. Not everyone is impressed. *"Guys, look at this bed!"* exclaims Batthwack. From this vantage point overlooking Beartoggle, they can see residential districts, what look like marketplaces, temples, edifices of various sizes, a memorial garden, a complex that could be a university, and even what appears to be a zoo. The view is breath-taking. Will has the key for room 2, so he goes next door to have a look. It's a mirror image of Batthwack's room. There's one other room on this floor and there's another floor above them.

Gwen suggests they head down to check out the city. They make their way over towards the centre of the dam and find themselves at the top of the Grand Staircase. Carefully making their way towards the edge and peer over. It's a very long, vertigo-inducing, way down. They see a long switchback staircase, and people making their way up and down it. They seem to be keeping to one side as they walk, depending on which direction they're travelling. To the left and right of the staircase are a set of tubes, and periodically the group hear the *shunk shunk shunk* of little capsules whipping up and down inside them. It's not clear if this is powered by mechanical or magical means, or what is contained in the capsules, be they messages or small packages, being delivered up and down the face of the dam.

The group notice a red sign nearby, with bold golden script on it announcing that the *"Grand Staircase Footrace"* will be occurring in two days' time. Raphina says *"Is that just running down? Or is it running back up? And do we have to be tied to another person?"* Will snags a random person walking by and asks them about it, telling them he's from out of town. They enthusiastically welcome him to Beartoggle and immediately tell him to check out the zoo. Will realises he hasn't got the energy for this conversation and says *"Alright, goodbye!"* and begins walking down the stairs. *"Okay. Check out the zoo! It's really great! My cousin works there!"* they call after him. Raphina calls back *"What's your favourite thing at the zoo?!"* *"The bugs!"* is the reply. Raphina bounces up and down excitedly.

They begin descending the staircase and it quickly becomes clear that it's going to take a good 30-45 minutes to get all the way down. Will says *"Listen guys, if this really sucks, we can just throw that money away and we can rent another hotel room somewhere else."* Certainly Batthwack and Raphina with their shorter legs are probably thinking along the same lines. Gwen and Sheemie don't seem to be having much trouble with the stairs.

They continue on their way. Now that Raphina can see the city itself, it's a much more familiar sight. She's particularly relieved to see that the Old Bear centre of town is in tact. The lake is where Raphina would have had her ferrying business and though there is still a river running through the city, it's much smaller than how she remembers it. There are lots of bridges crossing it. Gwen asks her when she was last here and Raphina says it was 3 weeks ago, which is very odd given the age of the hotel and the fact it wasn't there when she left.

Will is keenly on the lookout for city guards or any kind of official. He does spy one person going up the stairs, wearing similar attire to that of Hilula's. He notes that there is a very liberal atmosphere, no-one is checking IDs or monitoring anything. He is also looking around for any criminal activity, but can't seem to get a handle on it at all and so his natural feeling is that criminals must be everywhere.

Sheemie asks Batthwack what their plan is. Not feeling in his element in this large urban environment, he immediately defers to Will, asking if they're supposed to be looking for the Aeonian Anglerfish. Collectively they remind themselves that according to the Rainbow Trout, the Aeonian Anglerfish is supposed to be in this area, but apparently isn't. The Very Virile Badger told them to look out for the Captivating Coyote south of the city. Will says his top priority is none of that stuff, he's mainly interested in selling some of the stuff he's carrying around, doing some shopping, maybe find a spa. Gwen mentions looking for entertainments, which reminds Raphina of the haberdasher she knows, saying that she's pretty sure there's a puzzle in every hat, which will appeal to Sheemie.

Raphina says that her priority is to find the Desert Mothers. Sheemie asks her what they're all about, briefly forgetting her pseudonym and saying her real name. Will glances around nervously, but he doesn't think anyone heard. Raphina explains that the Desert Mothers are the monastic matriarchs of Beartoggle society. She feels sure they can't have gone, and if they can find them, they'd be sure to have answers for them. Sheemie asks *"Are you a Desert Mother?"* *"What? No! Are you kidding? And give up my pockets?"* replies Raphina incredulously. She says they don't like much of anything really. *"The only thing they do is chain smoke. Aunt Bootie was a Desert Mother."*

Sheemie asks if the Desert Mothers run the city. Raphina says they're in charge, but they're not lawmakers or anything. *"They just look at you sternly when you do it wrong and you want to die. It's very effective."* Will asks what the desert has to do with anything, and Raphina explains it has its roots in the fact that less enlightened city folk consider all non-river parts of the city to be desert, not really being familiar with the real thing. She's sure the Desert Mothers will know she's not a serial killer, but Will points out that that assumes the Desert Mothers haven't completely changed into something else in this reality. Sheemie asks if Raphina plans to stay here if she can be exonerated. *"I am needed in a lot of places. So I'm going to see where I am needed next. Maybe I'll stay or maybe I'll have to go."*

As they continue down the stairs, Will, Batthwack and Raphina notice a familiar structure standing out in the landscape: an airship tower, much like the one that they used to board the Airship Goodberry outside Barovia Valley. Raphina recognises that it is located in the middle of the Highground district. No airships are currently visible, but Batthwack points it out to Will, saying that maybe they won't have to travel by river all the way to Tivoli, after all.

## Quotes

* Sheemie: *"I mean, you're all very envious of the amount of energy I've got. I'm in my mid teens. Do you remember how it felt when you were my age?"* Will: *"No I was a grown up when I was six."*

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Eric. After Will quizzed the hotelier about all their perks and services, Raphina suggested *"We can stay here tonight and tomorrow we can look around at the other hotels and then we can compare and contrast. And then you can write a travel book for Beartoggle some day."* Abby offered a possible entry: *"I loved the cornhole"* Denise has another: *"Waking up with corn in the beefhole was quite delightful. Five out of five."* Eric: *"A Pompion's Guide to Six Rivers. On the cover it just says 'Panic'"*
* When the group arrive at The Dam Top Inn, Denise makes reference to the Cecil Hotel. See https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-55994935
* Abby/Raphina makes reference to a story about a beaver and a rabbit. Charles Townes, who won the Nobel Prize for physics in 1964 for his work on the laser, was fond of telling the story where a beaver and a rabbit look up at the Hoover Dam. 'No, I didn’t build it myself,' says the beaver. 'But it’s based on an idea of mine.'" *See https://www.optica-opn.org/home/articles/volume\_26/may\_2015/features/charles\_hard\_townes\_the\_second\_half-century/*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: glorious. It was previously described as glorious in the descriptions for Episodes 244 and 245.

## References

1. ↑ It is pointed out that Will could just cast *Fly* if he fell!
2. ↑ See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolf%2C\_goat\_and\_cabbage\_problem
3. ↑ The beds are described as being between a queen size and a king sized bed
4. ↑ Guys, come on, the tubes are **definitely** pneumatic. See episode 202: I Bet You Think This Pneumatic Tube Is About You
5. ↑ Eric says the Toggle Dam is taller than the Hoover Dam, which is 726 feet tall, 171 feet taller than the Washington Monument in Washington D.C. and twice as tall as the Luxor Casino (338 feet)! See https://www.usbr.gov/lc/hooverdam/educate/kidfacts.html
6. ↑ KT rolled a natural 1
7. ↑ Raphina mentioned Aunt Bootie during the fight with the halfling witches of Castle Ravenloft. Raphina recognised the witches as being from a family of ne'er-do-wells from Beartoggle called the Hecklestans. At the time Raphina said that Aunt Bootie was the matriarch of their particular clan. *"She was very wizened but she also has very thick armour on and she has three or four cigarettes hanging out of her mouth."* See episodes 149: But Do You? and 150: Ghost Booty
8. ↑ This is of course a reference to *The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy*, in which the titular book is described as having the words "Don't Panic" inscribed on the cover in large, friendly letters. See https://hitchhikers.fandom.com/wiki/The\_Hitchhiker%27s\_Guide\_to\_the\_Galaxy\_(travel\_guide)