Holy Sheet

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**Holy Sheet** is the sixth episode of Season 8 of *Letterkenny*.

## Synopsis

The Hicks help the Mennonites with some choring.

## Cold Open

> You were eavesdropping on some nutsacks at the bar the other day… — Wayne
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Reilly and Jonesy are seated at the bar at MoDean's having a conversation with Bonnie McMurray about which sport's athletes "wheel the most broadskis." She proposes basketball, on account of Wilt Chamberlain, and their height and size of their feet. Jonesy thinks it might be American football; they may not take down tens, but the teams being the largest, they should have the highest gross. "Gross" is the operative word, in Bonnie's view.

Reilly says it might be baseball. Baseball players have the longest season, meaning they are on the road the longest, so have the most opportunity to wheel. They also use the least energy of any sport, which gives them the most energy to wheel. Rosie, overhearing with Wayne nearby, wonders whether hockey players wouldn't be the low-hanging fruit. The hockey players agree, they just didn't want to go for the low-hanging fruit.

Reilly notes that hockey players at any level share hotel rooms on the road, which means if you return to your room just before curfew and find your defense partner wheeling a road rocket, you'd naturally become his D-man as well. Because an opportunity for a hockey player to wheel very often turns into an opportunity for his teammate to wheel, they conclude that hockey players wheel the most broadskis. Hundreds of thousands of condoms may have been distributed at the Olympics, but hockey players definitely hold the record for London Bridging.

Reilly warns that it is important to respect the "load code of the road": Don't get any of your "brogurt" on your buddy. There are fines for it. Bonnie marvels that accidentally "brogurting" on your buddy is common enough for there to be fines for it—but says at the same time, it's kind of hot, to Wayne's disappointment and disgust.

> Oh, Bonnie McMurray. — Wayne
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## Plot Summary

A horse carriage pulls up the property; it is Noah Dyck, who greets the Hicks warmly, and expresses his sympathies that romance did not blossom between Dan and his sister Lovina. He relates that she was recently injured at the petting zoo, when she was attacked from behind by a giant cock; she'd had to staunch the bleeding with a fist inside her gash. In any case, he has come to ask their help at the Dyck farm, for work only men can do—his two boys are not yet up to the task yet. Wayne says they are at his service.

> I am blessed this day, for the Lord hath giveth on to me three able men willing to help me with a hand job. — Noah Dyck
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Daryl asks what the job would entail, to which Noah replies men will be banging and pounding, and takes his leave.

At MoDean's, Bonnie McMurray sights a "snack" at the bar—Dierks—but Gail warns her that he is Katy's. She goes to the other end of the bar to check on the Coach, who has come because his therapist told him to be around other people instead of staying home and thinking about his dead wife Barb. Dierks is approached by Mia-Sophia, and the two begin flirting, until a wary Gail reminds him he is waiting for Katy.

Dan and Wayne, taking a break from chorin' at the tractor shed, call out Daryl for being half rude to Noah earlier. After denying this initially, Daryl admits to being "A&W rude beer" to him, because he had heard about Mennonites trying to introduce new genes into their bloodlines by inviting men outside the community to have sex with their daughters. Wayne and Dan take offense to this, but Daryl insists that it happened to Jim Dickens, so they give him a call.

Jim confirms that no such offer was made to him. He adds, however, that another auctioneer (about his size) had heard from another auctioneer (also about his size) that his cousin (significantly shorter) was offered $500 by a "schmelly" at a farmer's market to lay with his daughter. He adds that the partners are separated by a sheet, except for a hole cut out of it for the penis, so as to remove physical and visual contact and keep the sex limited to pro-creation purposes.

Wayne pushes back, however; even if some Menno-Nappers practice this, why would Daryl think Noah would as well? Daryl only knows that Noah referenced pounding, and said only men could do the job, and looked at him and winked. He acknowledges, at Wayne's insistence, "Fuck, can they run." Dan takes over the prosecution, and asks Daryl to give a percent change that Noah wants them to have sex with his daughters. Daryl puts it at 50-50. Dan then asks what the chances would be that Noah meant Lovina, as he thought maybe Daryl was more Lovina's type then himself. Wayne has had enough, and announces their departure for the Dyck farm.

Coach is still at MoDean's, murmuring about "barbohydrates" and his new "rhu-barb diet." Gail leaves to get another round for Katy and Dierks as Mia-Sophia walks pat. Katy catches Dierks eyeing her; like Gretzky, she knows where everybody is. She admits to being something of a "window shopper" herself, however, and is all right with a "bit of look, don't touch." Dierks, relieved, tells her "You are very cool. Very cool, very nice," and they do a shot of Gus N' Bru together.

Noah, Anita, and Lovina welcome the Hicks to the Dyck farm for their afternoon "hand job." They make small talk about the recent events.

> The last thing I want is for the children to look out in the yard and see their mother licking her own axe wound. — Anita Dyck
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Noah tells them they will be hammering all day—building new feed boxes, to replace his old ones destroyed in a windstorm. Anita wants to know who specifically is going to pound her box, as her Dyck doesn't have the stamina he once had. Noah says there will be a prize for the man who uses his tool the best.

> What's moist and warm and close to heaven in earthly form? — Noah Dyck
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The conversation continues as they start to work. Daryl declines a cushion for the pushin'; Noah would eat ass every day if he could. But Noah changes the subject to Dan's genetic history, mentioning problems in the Mennonite community (from generations and generations of inbreeding), and asks Daryl how much he drinks. He asks Wayne about his genes, and Wayne replies that he has good jeans, hence no belt, and they chuckle uncomfortably until Anita calls Noah away.

To Daryl, the line of questioning only confirms Noah's intentions, as if he is trying to establish a genetic pecking order. Dan says that would be a good name for a band: Genetic Pecking Orders. Wayne, however, thinks three-word band names often sound like emo band names. Noah calls Daryl away, to help his wife with a couple loads.

Back at MoDean's, Katy asks Dierks if he is familiar with the saying "everyone's always fuckin' somebody else," because she is—or was. Now that they are getting more serious about their relationship, however, she asks if he can be a master of one rather than a jack of all. She does not want to pressure him into being exclusive, but warns him that if he says he is in, and is not,

> You'll have every dude in Letterkenny lined up around the block for ya. — Gail
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Dierks is in.

The loads Anita wanted Daryl's help with are load of laundry to hang. He asks about her daughters Charity and Chastity, which makes her wary. Her parents, Seymour Snatch and Aida Snatch, believed children should be seen and not heard, but Anita is more liberal, and wants her children to experiment with being a grown-up, under the supervision and sometimes with the participation of the parents. As Daryl pulls laundry from the basket, he finds a bedsheet with a hole in it, and staring through the hole, makes eye contact with Dan and Wayne.

The pounding of boxes concluded, Noah thanks the Hicks for their efforts. He and Anita have decided that Daryl's tool was most polished, and offer him the promised prize—the sweetest prize a man could ever enjoy. He covers Daryl's eyes and invites his daughters to come out and take their tops off. They step forward, set freshly baked pies on the table, and remove the pie covers, to Daryl's immense relief.

Anita senses something is not right, however, and accosts Daryl that he must have been expecting something else. He stammers about his auctioneer friend's auctioneer cousint, but Anita interrupts to accuse him of thinking the would pay him with money.

> You thought you'd close your eyes and feel a big fat wad slide across your palm, hmm? — Anita
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Daryl admits to feeling foolish. Dan receives another text from Ellen, but decides to take the opportunity to go on a walk with Lovina instead.

The Coach decides it is time to call it a night and head back to the sub-barbs. Gail asks him for a dance before he skedaddles, and they join other contented couples on the dance floor, including Katy and Dierks.

## Quotes

* Jonesy: You're wheeling back before curfew just in time to catch your defense partner wheeling a road rocket. What then?
Reilly: Become his D‐partner.
Jonesy: Stick to stick.
Reilly: Tape to tape.
Jonesy: Can't leave. It's curfew.
Reilly: It's rude to stare.
Bonnie: True. You couldn't, like, not acknowledge it.
Jonesy: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Reilly: If you can't beat it… Join in.
Gail: I'd rather jerk off.
* Reilly: The Load Code of the Road.
Jonesy: Don't get any of your brogurt on your buddy.
Reilly: Mind your boner batter.
Jonesy: Don't spray any Spunky Brewster.
Reilly: There's fines for that.
Bonnie: Fines?
Jonesy: Same way there's fines for stepping on the logo on the carpet in your dressing room.
Reilly: Yeah, or letting your jersey touch the floor.
Bonnie: Those are pretty common things though. You're saying accidentally "brogurting" on your buddy is common enough for there to be fines in place for it?
Reilly: Load Code.
Jonsey: Load Code of the Road.
Bonnie: That's kinda hot.
* Dan: You were half rudes to Noah earlier.
Daryl: I wasn't half rude.
Wayne: Were too half rude.
Dan: If you were a 2010 Rihanna smash hit, you'd be "Rude Boys."
Daryl: I wasn't half rude.
Wayne: If you were one of Santa's reindeers, you'd be Rudolph.
Daryl: I wasn't half rude!
Dan: If you were an adorable child from an '80s sitcom, you'd be Rudy Huxtables.
Daryl: I was an eighth rude. Not half.
Wayne: Hey, who wrote techno hit "Sandstorm"?
Dan: Darude?
Wayne: He was expose'ta answer that.
Dab: Oh, sorry.
Daryl: I'll give you a quarter rude, but then, I'm maxxed out.
Dan: If you were a former New York City mayor, you would be…
Daryl: Rudy Giuliani?
Dan: No. Bill de Blasio. Who was notorious for being quite rude.
Daryl: Fine. I was A&W Rude-beer.
* Noah Dyck: Did you know that donkey is considered to be a delicacy in some parts of the world? I was in Central America at a church supper, and was offered it. While I hesitated at first, would you believe I love eating ass? I would eat ass all day, every day if I could.
* Noah Dyck: Daryl, does my daughters' warm sticky pie not appeal to you…? Well then let us enjoy them on this day, as a community with our mouths.

## Cultural References

* NBA legend Wilt Chamberlain was a notorious womanizer, and estimated himself to have had sexual relations with about 20,000 women in his 1991 autobiography, *A View from Above*. This was extrapolated based on a calendar he had kept in which he had slept with 23 women in a 10-day period.
* The number of condoms distributed to Olympic athletes has become a regular topic of reporting since the 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul.
* The myth that members of sexually conservative religious minorities—Hutterites, Mormons, but most commonly Orthodox Jews—have sex through a sheet is a not uncommon trope in pop culture. This is how intercourse is done in the dystopian Gilead of *The Handmaid's Tale*, for example, and is lampooned in a much lighter way in the fourth season of *Curb Your Enthusiasm*, in which Larry David is invited to bed by his Hasidic dry cleaner. It is the topic of the third episode of the *Strange Religion* podcast, "The Myth of the Hole in the Sheet."
* Many of the earlier commercially successful emo bands did have three names, including Jimmy Eat World, My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, or the All-American Rejects. On the other hand, at least an equal number of bands did not, such as Dashboard Confessional, Simple Plan, Brand New, the Ataris, or Sunny Day Real Estate.

## Callbacks and Running Gags

* Should call it football (Red Card Yellow Card)
* Soccer baseball (Red Card Yellow Card)
* Generations and generations of inbreedings (Dyck's Slip Out)
* To be fair (Uncle Eddie's Trust)
* A pretty good guy (Super Soft Birthday)
* Dan's second cousins Garrett and Jarrett (Fartbook)
* Wayne doesn't wear a belt because he wears pants that fit (Wingman Wayne)

## Trivia

* The Skids do not appear and are not mentioned in this episode.
* "London Bridge" can refer to several different sexual positions, but in this context most likely refers to a position where one woman has sex with two men, one inserted orally and the other vaginally, their body positions reminiscent of the famous Tower Bridge in London. Similar terms are "Eiffel Tower" or "A-frame." (The actual "London Bridge," made famous by the nursery rhyme "London Bridge Is Falling Down," is not a landmark, its current iteration being a steel box girder bridge built in 1973).
* Although Dan refers to Bill de Blasio as a "former New York City mayor," de Blasio won re-election in 2017 and was the current mayor of New York when this episode was released.
* Alex McCooeye, who plays Jim Dickens, is 6 feet, 9 inches in height (209 cm). A 2016 study found that Dutch men are the tallest in the world, averaging 6 ft (182.5 cm). While the Swiss average of 5 ft 10 inches (178.2 cm) is considerably shorter, it is still well above the world average.

## Music

According to Tunefind, the following songs are featured in thsi episode:

* Fire Doesn't Burn Itself by Sam Flax (MoDean's)
* Space Cadet by Paint Fumes
* Surf Party Apocalypse by Paint Fumes
* El Caballo Blanco by Lola Beltrán (Daryl peeking through the hole in the sheet)
* Str8 Outta Mumbai by Jai Paul (end and credits)

## Appearances

* Reilly
* Jonesy
* Bonnie McMurray
* Gail
* Wayne
* Rosie
* Daryl
* Dan
* Coach
* Dierks
* Mia-Sophia
* Katy
* Noah Dyck (Jonathan Torrens)
* Anita Dyck (Sarah Wayne Callies)
* Charity Dyck (Cora Eckert)
* Chastity Dyck (Olivia Colilli)
* Lovina Dyck (Brooke Bruce)

## Locations

* MoDean's
* Farm
* Mennonites' farm

## Gallery

*→ See **46** images from Holy Sheet at **Images from Holy Sheet**.*