recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Episode 89: Memory & Manipulation

Listen here

*In which the crew deal with the aftermath of Celestia’s substitution.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "Hat of Disguise” Bellekom
* Sam “Master of Spies” Burns
* Ellie "Baker of Pies” Sparrow

(names submitted by @Spicy\_Beauritos & @SamLikesDragon)

## Ending Song

I might not have spotted the switch

Yet in my thoughts we found a stitch

And if my mind's got edit's trace

I fear to ask what was replaced
How To

## Set up episode pages

There is already a page for every released episode with the one sentence episode description from the episode pages on the F&F website, not including bonus content. This shows you how to format that.

Go into edit, leave the cursor where it is (at the beginning of the one sentence description) and click 'insert' - 'infobox' - 'infobox episode'. It will come up with fields to fill in. Enter the episode name, the chapter it belongs to, and the airdate.

For the listenhere field enter [Episode url 'Listen here'] (eg: [https://flintlocksandfireballs.com/2019/03/12/episode-thirty-six-correspondence-calamity/ Listen here]).

For the previous and next fields, all you need to do is add [[ ]] around the exact titles of the episodes before and after the one you are currently editing, and it will automatically link to those pages.

Click complete, then go to the main body of text and put in 'Summary', 'Introductions', 'Plot', and 'Ending Song' as separate headers then save the page. All done!
Episode 18: Parrots & Philosophy

Listen here

*In which the party attempt identity theft, champagne socialism and elementary pet care.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to navigate the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Rhinoceros” Bellekom
* Sam “Rhymanoros” Burns
* Ellie “Hiphoptamus” Sparrow

## Ending Song

When purchasing from a pet store

Buyer beware caveat emptor

There’s depths beneath it’s beady eyes

That drag you down beneath the tides
Episode 56: Echoes & Exploration

Listen here

*In which an ancient ruin is explored.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Big R” Bellekom
* Sam “Little B” Burns
* Ellie “Curious S” Sparrow

## Ending Song

Where ancient gods have left their mark

The past is lain out cold and stark

The wheel is pain and cruelty

And as it turns comes back to me
Calcanean Calendar

The calendar in Calcinea - or at least on Jova - is broken into 12 months with three 10 day weeks in each. The year begins with Full Circle, a 5 day New Year holiday, bringing the year up to 365 days.

### **1797**

**Falling Leaves**

7th - Episode 1: The Party meets at the Bosun's Arms in Scarroll's Cove

**First Flurries**

**Full Frost**

**Falling Snow**

### **1798**

**Full Circle** -- A 5 day New Year holiday

**First Shoots**

**Full Bloom**

**Falling Blossom**

**First Fruits**

**Full Boughs**

**Falling Fruits**

**Fist Colors**

**Full Ripeness**

6th - Episode 93: Beginning of *Chapter Sixteen: The Thirteen Colonies*

7th - Episode 93, Episode 94, Episode 95

**Falling Leaves**

**First Flurries**

**Full Frost**

**Falling Snow**
Bonus Content: Admiral Grenville

Admiral Grenville gained the day… (A cover of ‘General Taylor’.)

Listen here

## Lyrics

Admiral Grenville gained the day

Walk him along, John, carry him along

Admiral Grenville gained the day

Carry him to his burying ground

To me way hey, Stormy

Walk him along, John, carry him along

To me way hey, Stormy

Carry him to his burying ground

I wish i was old Stormy’s son

Walk him along, John, carry him along

I'd build me a ship 10,000 ton

Carry him to his burying ground

To me way hey, Stormy

Walk him along, John, carry him along

To me way hey, Stormy

Carry him to his burying ground

I'd load her down with ale and rum

Walk him along, John, carry him along

And every shellback should have some

Carry him to his burying ground

To me way hey, Stormy

Walk him along, John, carry him along

To me way hey, Stormy

Carry him to his burying ground

We dug his grave with a silver spade

Walk him along, John, carry him along

His shroud of finest silk was made

Carry him to his burying ground

To me way hey, Stormy

Walk him along, John, carry him along

To me way hey, Stormy

Carry him to his burying ground

We lowered him down on a golden chain

Walk him along, John, carry him along

On every link we carved his name

Carry him to his burying ground

To me way hey, Stormy

Walk him along, John, carry him along

To me way hey, Stormy

Carry him to his burying ground

Admiral Grenville died long ago

Walk him along, John, carry him along

He's gone to where the winds don't blow

Carry him to his burying ground

To me way hey, Stormy

Walk him along, John, carry him along

To me way hey, Stormy

Carry him to his burying ground
Bonus Content: Beer, Beer, Beer!

An ode to Charlie Mopps - The Man who invented beer! Rewritten with Calcinean names

https://flintlocksandfireballs.com/2020/03/28/bonus-content-beer-beer-beer/

## Lyrics

Beer, Beer, Beer, Tidily Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer...

A long time ago, way back in history

When all there was to drink was nothing but cups of teas

(But we like tea

Yeah, but we like beer more)

Along came a man by the name of Charlie Mops

And he invented a wonderful drink and he made it out of hops.

He must have been an admiral, a sultan or a King

And to his praises we shall always sing,

Look what he has done for us; he's filled us up with cheer

Regent bless Charlie Mops, the man who invented beer.

Beer, Beer, Beer, Tidily Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer...

The Silken Sail, The Mermaid’s Milk, the Hole in the Wall as well

One thing you can be sure of it's Charlie's beer they sell

So all you lads and lassie at eleven o'clock you stop

For four short seconds remember Charlie Mops

Eins, zwei, drei, vier!

He must have been an admiral, a sultan or a King

And to his praises we shall always sing,

Look what he has done for us; he's filled us up with cheer

Regent bless Charlie Mops, the man who invented beer.

Beer, Beer, Beer, Tidily Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer...

A barrel of malt, a bushel of hops you stir it around with a stick

The kind of lubrication that make your ticker tick

Forty pints of wallop a day will keep away the crack

It's only half a copper piece, and three times that in tax!

Eins, zwei, drei, vier!

He must have been an admiral, a sultan or a King

And to his praises we shall always sing,

Look what he has done for us; he's filled us up with cheer

Regent bless Charlie Mops, the man who invented beer.

Beer, Beer, Beer, Tidily Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer, Tidily Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer...

Regent bless Charlie Mops!
Episode 30: Dreams & Desire

Listen here

*In which the party take a gnomish short-cut.*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the weird and trippy extraplanar locals of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Earl Grey” Bellekom
* Sam “Archduke Black” Burns
* Ellie “Captain Scarlet” Sparrow

## Ending Song

The simple life’s only in dreams,

Where love can be all that it seems

Where nightmares ride like wolves on bats,

And chase you on like scurrying rats
Fiti Gubinswick

A Gnomish Tailor Barbarian

### **Personality**

Fiti Gubbinswick is a gnomish tailor, making him by necessity an above average fighter.

## **Biography**

### **Chapter 5: Into the Woods**

Episodes 25-30

He is the one that leads Celestia, Scamp and Corzin through the Dreamfold following the sinking of the *Charlie's Regret*.

### **Chapter 14: Solace & Shipbuilding**

Episodes 78-81

He joins the crew of the *Krakensbane*.

### **Chapter 15: To The Sea**

Dragonmeet Special: The Howling Storm, Episodes 82-92
Episode 22: Bargains & Burnings

Listen here

*In which an old enemy returns.*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the increasingly turbulent waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Razorwire Redoubt” Bellekom
* Sam “Blade Barrier” Burns
* Ellie “Soup Sieve” Sparrow

## Ending Song

Thousands will live, we've saved the day

Some day there'll be a price to pay,

There's worse thing to give up than pride

To save your child and save your bride
Bonus Content: Nursery Rhymes with Scamp!

A collection of traditional nursery rhymes, as retold by Scamp...

Listen here

## Lyrics

One, two, three, four, five,

Once I caught a fish alive

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

No I caught Sahuagin

Why did you let it go?

Because it stabbed me really hard

Where did it stab you hard?

It does not matter, now it’s dead

Actually, that really hurt

A sailor went to sea, sea, sea

To see what they could see, see, see

But all that they could see, see, see

Was the endless abyss and a great pair of ancient eyes staring into their very soul; eyes that will haunt their nightmares and whenever they close their eyes they’ll still hear the screams

Horns, shoulders, knees and hooves

Knees and hooves

Horns, shoulders, knees and hooves

Knee and Hooves

And eyes

And ears

And fangs

And nose

Horns, shoulders, knees and hooves

Knees and hooves

There was a kid who had a monkey,

And Jeffrey was his name-o

J-F-R-E-Y

J-F-R-E-Y

J-F-R-E-Y

And Jeffrey was his name-o

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands...
Episode 63: Sandcastles & Shaves

Listen here

*In which Jean-Paul Savat seriously needs a shave.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Piggy in the Middle” Bellekom
* Sam “Little Miss Piggy” Burns
* Ellie “Bacon Sandwich” Sparrow

## Ending Song

We now return to creeping dread

When tempers rise, some lost their heads

False faces come to cull the brave

Democracy has a close shave
Episode 91: Echoes & Evisceration

Listen here

*In which the payment of a debt comes due.*

## Summary

After Celestia accidentally discharges the built up tallies caused by looking into the past with the Eye of the Storm, both she and the rest of the party must handle being and meeting people from their pasts and that they've never met, from a young Marlin Brandy, to the conquering sorcerer, Petra Leone, passing through Bloodbeard Brandy, Stringer Smith, Jimothy of Tyre, and Rhys of the Spiteful Straight along the way.

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "Storm Dennis” Bellekom
* Sam “Storm! Dennis” Burns
* Ellie "Storm. Dennis.” Sparrow

## Ending Song

The storm has passed and we've been spared

The worst the past might well have bared

And though one shade will make me cry

I got the chance to say goodbye
Episode 12: Shadows & Scaremongers

Listen here

*The party learn how to win friends and terrify people.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the shadowy depths of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, once again, by;

* Robbie “Crackajack” Bellekom
* Sam “Snackajack” Burns
* Ellie “Flapperjack” Sparrow

## Ending Song

When the truth is too dreadful to bare,

Sometimes you’ll fabricate a scare

Make friends from those you’ve put in harm,

Find grain and secrets in a barn
Bonus Content: When I get to Wainwall

A song about a sailor giving up his prolific ways.

© Jason Phelps 2019.

Listen here

## Lyrics

Oh, when I get to Wainwall

There’s waiting there a knot

Such gallows sweet was never seen

To make my final drop

My Merry life of wandering

Has come to meet its death

For when I’m wed onto that boy

I’m his to my last breath

In the Ferozian paradores

The courtesans are fair

Their movements swift with grace and skill

Their bodies flash and flair

My boy here’s not so skillful

Such grace he can’t compare

But when I get to Wainwall

I’ll always find him there

The Mead-folk can be dour

But their muscles sure are firm

There’s lessons in those darkling woods

To teach their end to learn

My boy’s not tall or handsome

He couldn’t fell a tree

But when I get to Wainwall

There’ll be no one else for me

I’ll miss that friendly Gunther

With his eyes as sharp as hawks

I’ll miss the weeks I shared

The company of seven orcs

My boy might lack such stamina

Such passion and such might

But when I get to Wainwall

He’ll be all I want at night

We sailors have a boy, they say

That waits in every port

I’ve had my share of handsome men

And those of every sort

To tie yourself in wedlock

Is to stick to just one dish

But when I get to Wainwall

I’ll have no more care to fish

So if I seem to have regrets

There nothing to his eyes

I cherish sharing both our lives

Within our wedding ties

And when I take him

And his ring

He’ll be my only man

But ‘til I get to Wainwall, I’ll have all the fun I can

So here’s to all the boys I’ve loved

And all of those I’ve rocked

The nights of frenzied passion

And the nights I went half-cocked

I’ll traded in the lot of you

And make it a fresh start

I’m going back to Wainwall

To the man I left my heart
Episode 64: Kobolds & Cobblestones

Listen here

*In which Corzin performs surgery.*

Episode CW: Descriptions of surgery, gore. Physical Immobilization.

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Wearer of Many Hats” Bellekom
* Sam “Lover of Cats” Burns
* Ellie “Will Chase You with a Bat” Sparrow

(names submitted by DaVon, @GWDaVon\_ on Twitter)

## Ending Song

You need to be quick with your hand

To save what voice speaks for this land

But haste pairs poorly with despair

And leaves you open to a snare
Episode 70: Heists & Holies

Listen here

*In which everybody gets arrested.*

Episode CW: Brief mention of self harm.

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous dark, dark caverns of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “I Am the Storm” Bellekom
* Sam “I Hunt the Storm” Burns
* Ellie “I Hunt 'Til Dawn” Sparrow

## Ending Song

My friends have come a hair too late

As I descend to meet my fate

I’m far too proud to bend the knee

Resist! Don’t count the cost to me
Bonus Content: Brandy's Blood

© Jason Phelps 2020.

Listen here

## Lyrics

One shot, two shot, three shot, four

Brandy’s Blood, let’s pour some more

A shot of rum to fill your sails

Three shots more in this cocktail

Rum comes from these sunny shores

Sugarcane grown by the law

That old law turns a blind eye

To smugglers when price is high

One shot, two shot, three shot, four

Brandy’s Blood, let’s pour some more

Tequila shot can be quite quite nice

But mix in chillies for some spice

They dry those chillies out on racks

In baking lands where food bites back

You might think not of cactus juice

But spice, it still had you at booze

One shot, two shot, three shot, four

Brandy’s Blood, let’s pour some more

Liquid chocolate makes it dark

Bittersweet and leaves a mark

Ripe fruit picked by sweaty hands

Dried to beans in sweaty lands

Grind them up till your hand’s sore

But that taste is to die for

One shot, two shot, three shot, four

Brandy’s Blood, let’s pour some more

What you hear is what you get

Shot of brandy makes the set

Grapes grown in those sunny climes

Bring us warmth in colder times

In blizzards harsh and heaving swell

Brandy’s Blood will leave you well

One shot, two shot, three shot, four

Brandy’s Blood, let’s pour some more

Like the pirate it’s name for

Brandy leave you on the floor
Episode 59: Slumber & Sendings

Listen here

*In which dreams are had and lines are crossed.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Ocher Jelly” Bellekom
* Sam “Black Pudding” Burns
* Ellie “Sausage Surprise” Sparrow

## Ending Song

I’m not okay, it’s all a haze

And memories scattered through a maze

We’re hidden, sneaking through the mud

And all the while I still crave blood
Episode 42: Stone & Sacrifice

Listen here

*In which a familiar face appears with a request.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous depths of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Hitchhiker’s Guide” Bellekom
* Sam “Hitchhiker’s Ride” Burns
* Ellie “Hitchhikers, Hide” Sparrow

## Ending Song

I know the risks, I’m not insane

But I still have to play this game

If I go on, then I’ll change more

I’m not the girl I was before
Episode 7: Cairns & Catastrophe

Listen here

*Corzin reckons with a ghost from the past, while the party become closely acquainted with some bastard fish.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the monster strewn, treacherous waters that are Dungeons and Dragons

And as always, we are joined by;

* Robbie “Tentacle Beast” Bellekom
* Sam “Wyvern” Burns
* Ellie “Otyugh” Sparrow

## Ending Song

When crimes and bones are laid to rest,

You may yet find there’s forgiveness

When enraged ills proceed your doom,

Escape into a Halfling tomb
Episode 82: Treasures & Tea

Listen here

*In which the party depart from Jova.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "Phoenix Down” Bellekom
* Sam “Phoenix Frown” Burns
* Ellie "Phoenix Town” Sparrow

## Ending Song

We've treasure from a dragon's lair

All of it's cursed, it's just not fair

But new friends keep us on our toes

With tea and talk and dominoes
Episode 61: Dining & Diplomacy

Listen here

*In which the party attempt to negotiate the fate of an entire nation.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Hors d'Oeuvres” Bellekom
* Sam “Horse Doves” Burns
* Ellie “Equestrian Appetizers” Sparrow

## Ending Song

We set a wolf upon the down

To draw my sister out to town

And though peace stands on the dice toss

There are some lines we’ll never cross
Bonus Content: Resist

Scream your defiance to the sun.

© Jason Phelps 2019.

Listen here

## Lyrics

Resist, resist

In the days before they come for you

While you have a voice be sure to shout it loud

Before you’re dragged back down

To the dark and to the silence

Scream your defiance to the sun

Resist, resist

Though it seems they have the upper hand

Though it seems they are many and we’re few

Don’t go down without a fight

Don’t roll over, let them come

And punish them for every crime they do

It’s hard to see the light

As their clouds block out the sun

And it seems like everyone supports their plans

But their weapons are their lies

Told with smiles and greedy eyes

And our fears and hate play right into their hands

Resist, resist

Don't let it come to pass

When they come for us

Don't be the one who stood and let them past

We’re all on that list somewhere

Who knows when they'll come for you

So resist, in the days while you still can
Episode 43: Mystery & Mentalism

Listen here

*In which the party put their detective hats on and experience duelling compulsions.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “People's Democratic Republic of Korea” Bellekom
* Sam “People's Democratic Republic of Moria” Burns
* Ellie “United Soicalisist’s Soviets of Mordor” Sparrow

## Ending Song

We’re hunting for a missing Dwarf

Who’s long since left us on the wharf

With mind wipes they’ve kept it down low

Who knows how far this plot will go
Episode 79: Heritage & History

Listen here

*In which we delve deep into the past.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad voice actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "The Great Pyramid” Bellekom
* Sam “The Great Cuboid” Burns
* Ellie "The Great Icosahedron” Sparrow

Also joined at the table by Important New Friend tiny golden unicorn

## Ending Song

Who needs to delve into the past

Awaken memories like a ghast

Why make a fuss and scream and shout

We might not like what we find out
Episode 16: Tarts & Triangulation

Listen here

*In which careful detective work uncovers more than the party might have wished for, down where the light does not touch.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the nebulas drowning-heavy waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Assassin Vine” Bellekom
* Sam “Crawling Horror” Burns
* Ellie “Rug of Smothering” Sparrow

## Ending Song

No nest yet found, is it too late

It’s time now to triangulate

New eggs are laid to city’s fall

With song in hand, please save us all
Bonus Content: To Dream

Not a love song.

Listen here

## Lyrics

I set a table in my dreams

*There’s a table in your dreams*
To wait for one more than she seems

*Set by one who’s all she sees*
And though I wait for time untold

*In this place you can’t grow old*
In this place food never grows cold

*You’re still waiting in the cold*

I sit upon my balcony

*You’re taunted by all you can see*
I watch a river running free

*You’ll never know how to be free*
And though I drink to morning’s wake

*You’re in a place you can’t escape*
In this place thirst is never slain

*and there’s no way for you to wake*

To wait

*Wait*
To watch

*Watch*
To hope

*Hope*
To dream

*Dream*

It’s not

*Not*
My role

*Role*
To be

*Be*
Happy *Happy*

If I’d

*You’d*
The pen

*Pen*
To write

*Write*
This play

*Play*

I’d end the dream *I’d end the dream*

And bring the day *And bring the day*

I walk through halls of love and play

*A place where colours slip to grey*
I watch one more love slip away

*They always come and never stay*
And though it’s more than I can take

*You always give more than you take*
In this place hearts can never break

*But there’s a price you always pay*

I set a table in my dreams

*But no one ever comes to eat*
I cannot be more than I see

*You’ll never be more than a dream*
And though I crave some sweet relief

*But you should set yourself at ease*
In this place I can never see

*We are eternals here unleashed*

To wait

*Wait*
To watch

*Watch*
To hope

*Hope*
To dream

*Dream*

It’s not

*Not*
My role

*Role*
To be

*Be*
Happy *Happy*

If I’d *You Lack*

The pen *The pen*

To write *To write*

This play *This play*

I’d end the dream *You’ll never see*

And bring the day *The light of day*
Bonus Content: Pot o' Gold

A fun little ragtime about collecting on gnomish gambling debts.
© Jason Phelps 2019.

Listen here

## Lyrics

Somewhere out there, there’s a Gnome

Who owes me a pot o’ gold

Won it from him in a game of bridge

So I’ll take what I’m owed

I’ve searched up high, searched down low

Find that Gnome where’er he goes

Wring his neck and twist his toes

Until I get my gold

We drank that Gnomish brandy

And you know how that goes

He lost the game and sold me

A great fat pot o’ gold

Bright as sun, soft as tin

Deep enough for you to swim

Somewhere out there, there’s a Gnome

Who owes me a pot o’ gold

He promised he would settle up

Come on when we were sober

And if I missed him at the dawn

To his home, I’d come over

And welcome I, his new best friend

To his house at the rainbow’s end

Somewhere out there, there’s a Gnome

Who owes me a pot o’ gold

I woke up early afternoon

He’s nowhere to be seen

I curse my drunken wager

Oh what a fool I've been

I searched up high, searched down low

Can’t find that bleedin’ rainbow

Somewhere out there, there’s a Gnome

Who owes me a pot o’ gold

Well many years since giving up

The strangest sight I saw

Between three stones deep in the wood

I found a standing door

I pull it open, in I go

I found the end of the rainbow

Somewhere out there, there’s a Gnome

Who owes me a pot o’ gold

I found my Gnome friend waiting there

With all the gold he owes

“What took you so bleedin’ long,

Take your gold and go”

He kicked me out with gold to spend

I’ve never found that door again

Somewhere out there, there’s a Gnome

Who gave me a pot o’ gold
Episode 23: Receptions & Ransoms

Listen here

*In which there are street parties, celebrations and uninvited shipboard guests.*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will  attempt to survive the turbulent waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Cotton Eye” Bellekom
* Sam “Flexin’ Hair” Burns
* Ellie “Hemp Throat” Sparrow

## Ending Song

It's no fun being at the feast,

When you’re transformed into a beast

Why care their thought of you or I,

We're what we are, hold you your head high
Bonus Content: Second Breakfast!

It’s the surest way to a halfling’s heart!

Listen here

## Lyrics

Oh, first breakfast, second breakfast,

Elevenses, brunch

Four ways to a Halfling’s heart

Before he has lunch

Twosies, tea and dinner,

a midafternoon snack

Sweet supper, pre-bed nibbles

Then we’ll hit the sack

Oh, when I met my husband,

He was scrawny and thin

When living with the tall folk,

You don’t get the meals in

Only three times set for dinner,

That’s a hungry sort of rut

The way into a Halfling’s heart is straight up through his gut

Oh, first breakfast, second breakfast,

Elevenses, brunch

Four ways to a Halfling’s heart

Before he has lunch

Twosies, tea and dinner,

a midafternoon snack

Sweet supper, pre-bed nibbles

Then we’ll hit the sack

Now some folk fall in love with poets,

Full of songs in size

But words are no replacement,

For some good old shortcrust pies

Dwarfed by love with jewels,

And with golden rings you rub

But Halflings know where you find love is meal time at the pub

Oh, first breakfast, second breakfast,

Elevenses, brunch

Four ways to a Halfling’s heart

Before he has lunch

Twosies, tea and dinner,

a midafternoon snack

Sweet supper, pre-bed nibbles

Then we’ll hit the sack

Now he pays most attention,

when my cake is on the rise

The kitchen gets quite heated,

Soon there’s flour on my thighs

And when I have got the sheep cut,

Things can get quite out of hand

As I’m stuffing his sausages, he’s filling out my pans

Oh, first breakfast, second breakfast,

Elevenses, brunch

Four ways to a Halfling’s heart

Before he has lunch

Twosies, tea and dinner,

a midafternoon snack

Sweet supper, pre-bed nibbles

Then we’ll hit the sack
Episode 98: Bandits & Bounties

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*In which one man wears many hats.*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie Bellekom "and the Sorceress Stone"
* Sam Burns "and the Chamber of Halflings"
* Ellie Sparrow "and the Prisoner of Carefully Avoiding Copyright Infringement"

## Ending Song

Always be cautious when you poo

I took too long and then I flew

But that went better than our chat

With one orc who wore many hats
Episode 39: Detectives & Deception

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*In which yet more horses suffer because of the party and unorthodox detective methods are employed.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Flail Snail” Bellekom
* Sam “Fail Rail” Burns
* Ellie “Whale Pail” Sparrow

## Ending Song

We’ll bring you safe through deadly force

Unless, of course, you are a horse

From mysteries the truth we find

In part by just reading your mind
Episode 51: Bridges & Battles

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*In which Cayonne’s fate is decided.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined by;

* Robbie “Hedgehog Hair” Bellekom
* Sam “Tricksy Tricorn” Burns
* Ellie “Esophagus Eye” Sparrow

## Ending Song

At the bridge, all comes to head

Where living fight the endless dead

By cunning craft, by spell and blade

We’ll live to bring the light of day
Bonus Content: Beer, Beer, Beer

A classic Orcyrian drinking song!

Listen Here

## Real World History

This song, which is British folk song commonly performed as a drinking song goes by many names. "Beer, Beer, Beer", "An Ode to Charlie Mopps - The Man Who Invented Beer" or just "Charlie Mopps".

While it is unknown where exactly this song was created and many theories exist. It is often said to have been created in Irish pubs but other theories say it was created in the 1800s in music halls in the British Isles or is an English folk song passed down through the years.

#### Charlie Mopps

The Charlie Mopps (or Mops) mentioned in the song is the fictional inventor of beer. It is assumed his name rhymes with barley and hops, two main ingredients of beer.

## Lyrics

Beer, Beer, Beer, Tidily Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer...

A long time ago, way back in history

When all there was to drink was nothing but cups of teas

(But we like tea

Yeah, but we like beer more)

Along came a man by the name of Charlie Mops

And he invented a wonderful drink and he made it out of hops.

He must have been an admiral, a sultan or a King

And to his praises we shall always sing,

Look what he has done for us; he's filled us up with cheer

Regent bless Charlie Mops, the man who invented beer.

Beer, Beer, Beer, Tidily Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer...

The Silken Sail, The Mermaid’s Milk, the Hole in the Wall as well

One thing you can be sure of it's Charlie's beer they sell

So all you lads and lassie at eleven o'clock you stop

For four short seconds remember Charlie Mops

Eins, zwei, drei, vier!

He must have been an admiral, a sultan or a King

And to his praises we shall always sing,

Look what he has done for us; he's filled us up with cheer

Regent bless Charlie Mops, the man who invented beer.

Beer, Beer, Beer, Tidily Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer...

A barrel of malt, a bushel of hops you stir it around with a stick

The kind of lubrication to make your ticker tick

Forty pints of wallop a day will keep away the crack

It's only half a copper piece, and three times that in tax!

Eins, zwei, drei, vier!

He must have been an admiral, a sultan or a King

And to his praises we shall always sing,

Look what he has done for us; he's filled us up with cheer

Regent bless Charlie Mops, the man who invented beer.

Beer, Beer, Beer, Tidily Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer, Tidily Beer, Beer, Beer...

Regent bless Charlie Mops!
Bonus Content: Rolling Down to Old Cowry

A cover of Rolling Down to Old Maui, with appropriate Calcinean name substitutions

Listen here

## Real World History

This is a song about the Kamchatka bowhead whale and Pacific sperm whale fishing in the 1850s. The Pacific whalers used to meet on Maui or in nearby Oahu twice a year. In March they fitted out for the summer season in the Arctic, when they fished the bowhead grounds off Kamchatka and the Gulf on Anadyr. In November, they returned to fit out for sperm-whaling in the tropical and subtropical waters of the Southern Seas.

## Lyrics

It's a damn tough life full of toil and strife

We whalermen undergo

And we don't give a damn when the gale is done

How hard the winds did blow

Cause we're homeward bound from the Arctic ground

With a good ship, taut and free

And we won't give a damn when we drink our rum

With the girls of Old Cowry

Rolling down to Old Cowry, me boys

Rolling down to Old Cowry

We're homeward bound from the Arctic ground

Rolling down to Old Cowry

Once more we sail with a northerly gale

Towards our island home

Our mainmast sprung, our whaling done

And we ain't got far to roam

Six hellish months have passed away

On the melancholic sea

But now we're bound from the Arctic ground

Rolling down to Old Cowry

Rolling down to Old Cowry, me boys

Rolling down to Old Cowry

We're homeward bound from the Arctic ground

Rolling down to Old Cowry

Once more we sail with a northerly gale

Through the ice and wind and rain

Them coconut fronds, them tropical lands

We soon shall see again

Our stuns'l booms carried away

What care we for that sound?

A living gale is after us

Thank God we're homeward bound

Rolling down to Old Cowry, me boys

Rolling down to Old Cowry

We're homeward bound from the Arctic ground

Rolling down to Old Cowry
Bonus Content: Bones in the Ocean

This song is ©The Longest Johns, covered with their kind permission. The lyrics presented here are a rewritting of the original lyrics to fit the world of Calcinea.

Listen here

## Lyrics

Oh, I bid farewell to the port and the land

And I paddle away from brave Wending's white sands

To search for my long ago forgotten friends

To search for the place I hear all sailors end

As the souls of the dead fill the space of my mind

I'll search without sleeping 'till peace I can find

I fear not the weather, I fear not the sea

I remember the fallen, do they think of me?

When their bones in the ocean forever will be

Plot a course thro' the night to a place I once knew

To a place where my hope died along with my crew

So I swallow my grief and face life's final test

To find promise of peace and the solace of rest

As the songs of the dead fill the space of my ears

Their laughter, like children, their beckoning cheers

My heart longs to join them, sing songs of the sea

I remember the fallen, do they think of me?

When their bones in the ocean forever will be

When at last before my ghostly shipmates I stand

I shed a small tear for my home upon land

Though their eyes speak of depths filled with struggle and strife

Their smiles below say I don't owe them my life

As the souls of the dead fill the space of my eyes

And my boat listed over and tried to capsize

I'm this far from drowning, this far from the sea,

I remember the living do they think of me?

When my bones in the ocean forever will be

Now that I'm staring down at the darkest abyss

I'm not sure what I want but I don't think it's this

As my comrades call to stand fast and forge on

I make sail for the dawn 'till the darkness has gone

As the souls of the dead live for'er in my mind

As I live all the years that they left me behind

I'll stay on the shore but still gaze at the sea

I remember the fallen and they think of me

For our souls in the ocean together will be

I remember the fallen and they think of me,

for our souls in the ocean together will be
Bonus Content: How to Shed Tears

A wartime song from Calcinea, reflecting on the uses of mages and more ‘dishonourable’ combat in war.

Listen here

## Lyrics

Well my bonnie lad’s a diviner,

In His Majesty’s eighth grenadiers

Seven years in a school,

Then the army so cruel

A debt paid off in fourteen more years

Oh, my bonnie lass, is a sniper

His Majesty’s carabineers

To parade and to tilt

And to bury the guilt

Beneath layers of duty and fears

And we’ve both in the business of ending of lives

And terror and chaos and fear

And when this war is done then we both shall retire

And remember how to shed tears

Well he scrys out the hidden positions

Where the enemy cower and quake

Then he gives a command

To root out their last stand

With the knowledge of where they will break

And she awaits there with infinite patience

In hiding to seek out her mark

The commander breaks fast

Without knowing his loss

And she ends him without a remark

And there’s many who name us as cowards and black

To kill when we hide in the rear

But bravery’s the very thing we attack

To teach you how to shed tears

But the foot can’t protect him forever

For the enemy also divines

An artillery strike

Breach the wall far in line

When the lead lines the air then he cries

And she’s caught under fire in a foxhole

Around her the cannons do pound

Well there’s shot in her thigh

She’s been left here to die

And there’s nowhere left to go to ground

Well there’s blood in our eyes as our comrades all die

Screaming with horror and fear

But we’ll still our minds if we want to survive

To remember how to shed tears

I see a girl caught in a foxhole

As I run to flee fire and earth

There’s a path I can see

Through the cannonballs free

And I lead her with all of my breath

There’s a lad running mad through the crossfire

And he’s caught in the enemy’s sights

I sight my counterpart

My shot tears her apart

Now we’re limping for both of our lives

Slowly spotting the threats and she’s taking the shots

As we struggle to get to the clear

We’ll limp through the night, through the cold and the hot

No time to know how to shed tears

So it’s many years come since that battle

And his service is reaching its end

There’s been medals and more

Or a decade of gore

Now there’s flowers and fields to ten

Her thigh it still aches in the winter

But the time has come to hang up her gun

With no warning but sound

Hundreds put in the ground

Now she’s no longer needing to run

Now our service is done we’ll retire on our funds

To a lifetime of plenty and cheer

And with long life and love and maybe we will come

To remember how to shed tears
Episode 9: Cardsharks & Carronades

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*After a little shore leave, the party finally engages in actual privateering.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the, for once, perhaps relatively forgiving waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Bag of Holding” Bellekom
* Sam “Bag of Devouring” Burns
* Ellie “Bag of Beans” Sparrow

## Ending Song

I’ll need more luck than games of chance,

To save her from the sabres dance

Get ready lads, it’s do or die,

When cannons roar and fireballs fly
Bonus Content: Old Coalbeard

A short, silly song about a dwarven bogeyman.
© Jason Phelps 2019.

Listen here

## Lyrics

Old Coalbeard, he’s a’waiting

He’s cackling in the deep

He’s beard ‘s as sharp as razors

To catch you in your sleep

So on every new pickaxe put a notch upon its head

‘Cause if you don’t Old Coalbeard makes your bones into his bread

Old Coalbeard, he’s a’waiting

To sour your cup of ale

To curdle up your stomach

To leave you weak and pale

So always raise your pint when somebody calls for cheer

‘Cause if you don’t Old Coalbeard makes your blood into his beer

Old Coalbeard, he’s a’waiting

In darkness like a knife

Don’t look into his eyes

He’ll steal your husband or your wife

So when you build a house always use one brick that’s red

‘Cause if you don’t Old Coalbeard tempts your spouse out of your bed
Episode 20: Monsters & Monstrosity

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*In which Scamp finally gets in a drinking contest.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the turbulent waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by:

* Robbie “Tequila Sunrise” Bellekom
* Sam “Whisky River” Burns
* Ellie “Alcohpop Alley” Sparrow

## Ending Song

Fire for fire, burns in revenge

This bloodstained cycle never ends

We don’t have to play that part

Forgive the darkness in your heart
Episode 31: Jimothy!

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*It’s Jimothy!*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the turbulent dream-like depths of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Frumious Bandersnatch” Bellekom
* Sam “Fullmenous Addercatch” Burns
* Ellie “Voluminous Badgerhatch” Sparrow

## Ending Song

We had fun in Jimothy,

But we’re done in Jimothy,

It's time to return to our tale

But, though you leave Jimothy,

You carry some Jimothy,

In your heart and your song without fail

So gather your muskets, gather your spears

We’ll plunder the shores of Calcinea

No kraken, storm or spell will we fear,

So come along, with me, my dear
Scamp

One of the Flintlocks & Fireballs Trio, Scamp is a Tiefling Sorcerer

by DioxiaRio

## **Description**

### **Appearance**

Probably around 12 or 14 years old, Scamp is a pink tiefling child with solid magenta eyes & silver grey hair. They have curling black rams horns, hooves and a pointed tail as well as small fangs.

They wear simple clothes & their horns are decorated with a piece of leather and a small silver skull.

### **Personality**

Loyal and selfless, Scamp will put themselves at risk to save others at the slightest opportunity. They love sweets (especially chocolate) and are generally friendly and outgoing, as long as other people don't mind the horns and hooves.

## **Biography**

### **Background**

A street kid in Scarroll’s Cove before they met up with the rest of the trio, Scamp doesn't remember a time before they lived by scraping and sneaking.

They chose their own name because a man called them "a little Scamp" and seemed friendly about it, rather than shouting or hitting.
Episode 62: Friends & Family

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*In which a long-awaited reunion takes place.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Snap, Crackle & Pop" Bellekom
* Sam "Hip, Hop & Bop” Burns
* Ellie “Stop, Drop & Roll” Sparrow

(names submitted by Sarah, "our loveliest stowaway")

## Ending Song

Congratulations dearest one

You’ve slipped my guards, you’re on the run

But run or hide, dear sister, know

We’re coming soon to bring you home
Episode 26: Diaries & Death

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*In which the party engage in adventurous archaeology!*

 Summary

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the dark and treacherous woods of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by:

* Robbie “Auld Lang Syne” Bellekom
* Sam “Old Man Time” Burns
* Ellie “Old Man Trouble” Sparrow

## Ending Song

Scattered notes in dusty halls,

An icy flame above that calls

Upon a throne both dark and still,

A maddened king will bend your will
Episode 10: Cadavers & Chitin

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*After a grim spot of corpse disposal, the party arrive at the grand city of Crosswater and take on an unusual request.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the turbulent waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Bandersnatch” Bellekom
* Sam “Hack ’n’ slash” Burns
* Ellie “Hacky Sack” Sparrow

## Ending Song

In a city with a lurking beast,

There’s too much for your eyes to feast

When fighting hatchlings in the den,

You might find unexpected kin
Episode 46: Gutshots & Gluttony

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*In which we research the melting point of copper.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons

We are joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie “Banana Republic” Bellekom
* Sam “Bananarama” Burns
* Ellie “Have a Banana” Sparrow

## Ending Song

When copper melts from fire red

You might learn you’re already dead

Strangled, drowned before the start

And washed up from the ocean’s heart
Bonus Content: The Skies Are Burning

And all we can do is mourn.
© Jason Phelps 2020.

Listen here

## Lyrics

I once had a friend, the rarest

The kindest you won't believe

Who taught me tunes the fairest

Of the song of wind and leaves

She was tall beyond all reason

Taller than the spruce and pine

She stood by me in all seasons

And she taught me to be kind

But the skies, the skies are burning

And the clouds can weep no more

Now our friends are gone forever

And all we can do is mourn

Did you know she was a builder

Of such towers grand and tall

Wrought her wisdom in each pillar

Sealed her will within each wall

And she always gave me shelter

When the winds grew harsh and cold

Knew me mother, child, granddaughter

Though she never seemed so old

But the skies, the skies are burning

And the clouds can weep no more

Now our friends are gone forever

And all we can do is mourn

She made of the skies her palace

Now there's nothing left but song

There's a place that's sore and callous

In my heart where she belongs

Though if she could hear she'd smile

Tell me not to be forlorn

For this life is full of trials

And with friends we carry on

But the skies the skies are burning

And the clouds can weep no more

Now our friends are gone forever

And all we can do is mourn
Bonus Content: Everything's Fine

A song about how everything is fine. No really, it's fine.

© Jason Phelps 2019.

Listen here

## Lyrics

Everything’s fine, everything’s fine

So raise your glass, and fill a pipe and smoke and drink some wine

Everything’s fine, everything’s fine

Why talk about our worries when we could have a good time

Let's not talk about all our woes

Let's not talk about all our foes

Let's not talk about how my family kidnapped me and dragged me home

Let's not talk about binding threads

Let's not talk about nightly dreads

Let's not talk about fire.

Cause everything’s fine, everything’s fine!

Why dwell upon the past when we can drink and smoke and dine

Everything’s fine, everything’s fine

There's no point now in dwelling so just put it from your mind!

Let's not talk about my old slave

Let's not talk about how she's brave

Let's not talk about how the pair of us have broken up

Let's not talk about her marriage

Let's not talk about finding him

Let's not talk about love.

Cause everything’s fine, everything’s fine

So double down on partying, ignore the warning signs

Cause everything’s fine, everything’s fine

Cause talking will just bring you down so what's the point, I'm fine.

Let's not talk about the future

Let's not talk about how we’re doomed

Let's not talk about how we’re saddled with a hopeless task

Let's not talk about Hag bargains

Let's not talk about our mistakes

Let's not talk about fate.

Cause everything’s fine, everything’s fine

The drink will wash away your cares like salt in so much brine

Everything’s fine, everything’s fine

There's less than two centuries left until the end of time

Let's not talk about being depressed

Let's not talk about the Empress

Let's not talk about how she put me last on her hit list

Let's not talk about my siblings

Let's not talk about all their strings

Let's not talk about mum.

Cause everything’s fine, everything’s fine

And I don't want to bring us down, no I don't want to whine!

Everything’s fine, everything’s fine

Drugs might not solve the problem but I'll have a jolly time

Let's not talk about whisky, rum

Let's not talk about opium

Let's not talk about how I can't sleep unless I have smoked a pipe

Let’s not talk about my limits

Let's not talk about when they’re hit

Let's not talk about then.

Cause everything’s fine, everything’s fine

And if I start talking now then I'll surely scream and shout

Everything’s fine, everything’s fine

There's so much stuff still under here I've never talked about
Episode 93: Wharves & Weiners

Listen here

*In which Scamp & Celestia make sound financial investments.*

## Introductions

Where a handful of mad actors will attempt to survive the treacherous waters of Dungeons and Dragons.

We were joined, as ever, by;

* Robbie "King Tut” Bellekom
* Sam “King's Butt” Burns
* Ellie "Queen of the Nut” Sparrow

## Plot

The episode opens with the trio still on their way to Thunders Watch on the Krakensbane, with their crew and several important passengers including Lia, Fighty & Benilda (Benny) Trothseeker.

The 16 days before their arrival in Thunders Watch are spent double checking all the scrying done on their journey to make sure that Celestia's mysterious body swap didn't give them inaccurate information on the lack of teleport platforms.

6th of Full Ripeness, 1798:

Celestia & Lia have a difficult conversation about their relationship and saying goodbye and rescuing Michael and any others he is enslaved with. Celestia offers that she is "here for [Lia] in whatever way [she] want that to mean.... and I want to make it as non-weird as possible."

"You were a ray of light in a dark place" -- Lia

"I wish you every happiness in the world" - Celestia

"And I wish you the same. I want you to be happy. And you will be.... Stardust, provided you don't get eaten by fishpeople or something... we may well have hundreds of years left to live. There is time. " - Lia

## Ending Song

Oh what a tale to tell my wife,

Investors who just saved my life,

And now they'll help me reach my goal,

A weiner found in every home