John Egbert

Jade Harley

**John Egbert** is a human from beta Universe B. He is a player of Sburb and the dancestor of Jane Crocker. The alpha counterpart of this character is Jane's Poppop.

## Profile

### Personality

John is a spry boy who enjoys escapist hobbies like watching movies, performing stage magic, practical jokes, and playing games with his friends. He is fickle and easily annoyed by frivolous things, such as his dad baking  too much cake , his dad collecting harlequin paraphernalia , being told by WV to get cookies , and finding out that Gushers are owned by Betty Crocker .

His handwriting  is legible albeit slightly messy. He writes in all lowercase, the same way he types.

### Appearance

Like the rest of his family, John has pointy black hair and buck teeth. His glasses have rectangular lenses.

As a kid, he wore a long-sleeved white shirt with a picture of a green slime ghost on it. The ghost resembles Slimer from *Ghostbusters*, but is not. He originally bought this shirt from a "weird asian store" . He also wore plain shorts and sneakers.

On his 13th birthday, after entering the Medium, John wore a suit  that his father bought for him as a birthday gift. The suit was white with a black tie, white slacks, and black dress shoes. John soon used Sburb's alchemy to create a modified version of this suit mixed with his green slime ghost shirt  and Harry Anderson's Wise Guy . This suit, the Wise Guy Slime Suit, is teal and has a black undershirt, green tie, and white buttons. On the wearer's right side is the green slime ghost decal. John also uses alchemy to create the Serious Business Goggles , which look and function almost identically to his normal glasses but contain a computer OS that he can use to communicate with his friends. He also wears a remote ghost gauntlet on each hand for combat purposes.

John eventually happened upon the ectobiology lab in the Veil. There, he found the Junior Ectobiologist's Lab Suit . The lab suit has a green lab coat, a black belt with John's green slime ghost symbol on it, dark green pants, and yellow shoes.

### Interests

When he is first introduced , John is described as being interested in:

* Really terrible movies. He's fascinated by films of impending apocalypse .
* Computer programming, although he's not very good. There are .^CAKE and .~ATH programming files on his desktop . This baseline knowledge of programming allows him to recognize a pattern  between captcha codes and the punched card patterns.
* "Paranormal lore".
* Stage magic.
* Sometimes, he likes to play games.

John is shown to draw  pictures  on  multiple  occasions . However, he seems to hold very little confidence in his artistic abilities, as all of the drawings on birthday notes sent to his friends, as well as the carved minitablet requesting his Sburb copy, are accompanied by footnotes commenting on how bad they are.

### Possessions

* Bed  — Had white sheets with ghosts printed on it, but the sheets have been lost.
	+ The bed is eventually moved to John's roof  by Rose.
* The Magic Chest  – contains fake blood capsules. The rest of the contents originally inside the Magic Chest have all been lost.
* Posters: *Problem Sleuth* , *Little Monsters , Con Air , SBURB* , *Ghostbusters II*, *Mac & Me*, *Deep Impact ,* posters of various Matthew McConaughey films , *Face/Off* , *Armageddon*, and *Ghost Dad*
* Computer
	+ John uses the web browser  Typheus .
* Game CDs : *Bard Quest*, *The Caper Havers*, *Problem Sleuth*, *And it Don't Stop*, *Jailbreak*, *Ghostbusters II MMORPG*, *Little Monsters*, *Harry Anderson Call my Bluff*
* Books, including many about programming  – Specifically: One for ^CAKE, one for ~ATH, one for DIS\*, and *Data Structures for Assholes*  by Buckminster Funnyuncle. There are also two books labeled *Discrete Mathematics* and *Automata*.
* Fetch Modus Control Deck  – A birthday gift to John from his dad.
* Suit  – A birthday gift to John from his dad. John wears this suit for a brief period of time before using it to alchemize the Wise Guy Slime Suit .
* Bunny Sassacre Fedora , Hammerhead Pogo Ride , Green Slime Ghost Suit , Wise Guy Slime Suit , Serious Business Goggles , Hellacious Blue Phlegm Aneurysm Gushers , two  Remote Ghost Gauntlets , Barber's Best Friend , Betty Crocker Barbasol Bomb  – Alchemized.
* Rose's stuffed bunny  – Had belonged to Rose for as long as she could remember. As it was old and falling apart, Rose knitted it back together and planned to give it to John for his 13th birthday. John found it in her bedroom and accepted it early.
* Junior Ectobiologist's Lab Suit  – Found inside the ectobiology lab in the Veil.

#### Lost Possessions

The following possessions were lost, used up, or given away.

* Drawers  — On top of the dresser was a note from John's Dad . This chest of drawers was eventually thrown off the cliff on LOWAS  by Rose.
* The sheets to John's bed were thrown off the cliff on LOWAS  by Rose.
* All of the contents of the Magic Chest , except for the fake blood capsules.
	+ Trick handcuffs, Stunt sword, Magician's hat – Were eventually taken by imps  when they abducted John's dad  and not seen again.
	+ Fake arms – Were eventually attached to a cake . Then, the arms were removed and attached to the Harlequin doll . Between pages 79  and 87 , one of the arms seems to fall off of its own accord. The harlequin doll is then prototyped into John's Kernelsprite  pre-entry with one of the arms still attached. The singular arm becomes one of the sprite's defining features. The other remaining arm is later used to alchemize the Remote Ghost Gauntlet .
	+ *Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery –* Dropped by John during his strife with his dad. Later, while trying to prototype John's sprite  post-entry, the book was dropped  on the kitchen floor. The book was eventually picked up by Nannasprite , who wrote a message to John  inside it and dropped it off a cliff to LOWAS's surface where it was collected by  Jade's grandpa. It eventually got sent back in time and collected by John's dad who kept it in his safe .
	+ Smoke pellets – Were eventually used during John's strife with his dad. *Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text* landed on them, causing them to go off.
	+ Beagle Puss glasses – Were combined with the magician's hat as part of a disguise. The magician's hat was replaced with John's dad's bowler hat, and a tobacco pipe was added to the disguise. The entire disguise is discarded  after John's strife with his dad and is later taken by imps .
* Tire swing . Originally hung from the tree outside John's house. Eventually taken and weaponized by an ogre .
* GameBro Magazine  – Quickly thrown into the fireplace and burned .
* Giant harlequin doll  – A birthday gift to John from his dad. Eventually prototyped into John's Kernelsprite pre-entry.
* Swing set  and Spring-mounted pogo ride  – Were originally in his front yard. The pogo ride resembled Slimer from *Ghostbusters*, but it's not actually Slimer , according to John.
	+ The swing set was partially destroyed when John entered the Medium.
	+ The pogo ride was uprooted by Rose  to carry grist to John, then John captchalogued it  and punched the card  to make the  Pogo Hammer .
* Cosbytop Computer  – Alchemized. Was dropped off the cliff  by John to LOWAS's surface.

#### Weapons

John has used the following weapons:

* Hammer  – Found in John's bedroom. Originally used to hang up a poster.
* Sledgehammer  – Found in the utility room of John's house. Seems to be too heavy for John to be able to use efficiently .
* Pogo Hammer  – Alchemized from Hammer && Slime Pogo.
* The bunny from Con Air  – A birthday gift to John from Dave. Comes with a note of authenticity proving that it's the real stuffed bunny from the movie Con Air. John puts the bunny in his Strife Portfolio after finding a bunnykind specibus dropped by a Shale Imp.
* Telescopic Sassacrusher  – Too large for John to carry himself. He wields it using the Remote Ghost Gauntlets.
	+ This weapon was eventually taken by a giclops  and was lost when the giclops absconded.
* Wrinklefucker  – Alchemized from the Pogo Hammer and a clothes iron.
* Fear No Anvil  – The weapon of Hephaestus . Alchemized by John using the captcha code for it that he got from Davesprite. It has the ability to stun enemies .

### Dreams

John's dream bedroom  has a blue floor and walls. John's dream self not awakened when Sburb starts. A mean-looking harlequin doll with a slashed eye and missing arm torments John in his sleep. Messy scrawlings of harlequins and mean messages about John are drawn on his wall, mimicking the scrawlings on his wall in his actual bedroom.

## Relationships

### John's Dad

John loves his father, being both worried  and saddened  after his father gets kidnapped.

Despite this, John is frequently bothered by how often he baked desserts and by his collection  of harlequins . Due to this collection of harlequins and love of comedy, John assumed his father  to be a street performer  for most of his childhood. The truth later occured to him  when he found that his dad's bedroom was decorated very plainly compared to the rest of the house. The shocking revelation allowed John to see the harlequin scrawlings  in his own bedroom that he had suppressed subconsciously.

Rose suggested  that the drawings were "[John's] subconscious trying to express something disturbing within [him]". She suggested John's father saw the scrawlings on John's walls and assumed John liked harlequins. Thus, he began collecting clowns to establish a common interest with his son. Because John actually detests harlequins, and had no conscious knowledge of the drawings, he though the clowns were just his dad's own detestable hobby.

This theory is supported by the fact that John's Dad seemed to be rather supportive of him. When John, at age 13, drew a (frankly not very good) drawing of a green slime ghost, his dad hung the picture on the fridge .

### Rose Lalonde

Rose and John are good friends. John is the one who first bought Rose her knitting needles, leading to her prolific knitting hobby.

Rose seems to psychoanalyze John quite often, as her doing this was John's reason for buying her knitting needles in the first place. When John becomes distraught over finding out that his posters have always been defaced with harlequin drawings, and that he might have been the one who did it, Rose tries to use therapy to help John come to terms with it.

## Biography

### Exposition

* John is born on April 13th , 1996. He lives with his single father until 2009.
* John's father keeps track of newspaper articles  regarding meteor crashes. One dates back to John's birthday.
* John befriends Rose, Dave, and Jade online via Pesterchum. Sometime before 2009, he gets accosted by trolls .
* In a chucklevoodoo-induced episode, John scrawls pictures of harlequins  on his bedroom wall and calendar. However, he cannot see them.
* Sometime presumably in late November, John goes to a "weird asian store"  and finds slime ghost shirts. He buys a green one for himself, and a blue one that he intends on gifting to Jade.
* On December 1st , John mails out birthday packages for Rose, Dave, and Jade . He sends a knitting bag to Rose, Ben Stiller's shades to Dave, and the blue slime ghost shirt and some pumpkin seeds to Jade. He doesn't consider that due to how far away Jade lives, her package won't reach her for months .
* John gets trolled  by Terezi Pyrope who is just there to troll him. She laughs at him, then tells him he's a disgrace to ectobiology and gives him a death threat. John changes his chumhandle from ghostyTrickster  to ectoBiologist  in an attempt to shake off the trolls.
* Sburb is released worldwide on April 10th, 2009 . John's copy of the Sburb beta arrives three days late on his birthday, April 13th, instead.

### April 13th, 2009

* On the 13th of April, John agrees to play Sburb with Rose. He leaves his room to retrieve the game copies, and eventually succeeds after some minor misadventures.
* Along the way, he retrieves a birthday package from Dave . Inside is the stuffed rabbit used in the movie Con-Air  as a birthday gift for John. He mails it to him with a letter  enclosed.
* John installs the client version of Sburb and Rose connects to him as his host. She helps him enter the Medium . Him, his father, and his house are send to the Land of Wind and Shade.

### In the Medium

#### Alpha Timeline

* John's sprite is prototyped with the ashes of his Nanna, creating Nannasprite . She tells him about Sburb, the Medium, and his goals.
* John takes a quick nap . While asleep, John's dream self starts to sleepwalk . His dream self starts to awaken, and John catches a glimpse of Jade on Prospit. But, before he can fully awaken, John's real self wakes up. Right after, Jade pesters John again  about his Sburb progress and tells him to "wake up".
* On top of his house, John confronts and defeats two enormous Crude Ogres.
* After defeating the ogres, John enters his dad's room  through a hole in the roof created by Rose . He finds out that his dad is a normal businessman  who may not be very interested in harlequins after all. This revelation shocks him greatly .
* In his dad's room, John finds unopened birthday presents for him. Among them are a fetch modus Control Deck  that comes with the Array fetch modus and 12 captcha cards, a box of Massive Tropical Brain Hemorrhage  flavored Fruit Gushers , and a suit .
* He returns to the Punch Designix  and punches a bunch of captcha codes into some cards.
* In his bedroom, John can now see the harlequin scrawlings  on his wall. He believes them to be the work of imps. He tells this to Rose, and she tells him that his posters have always looked like that, ever since she first connected to him as his host player. John reacts violently , calling her revelation a "joke". Rose continues to try and convince John  of the truth to which he is hesitant to accept. She suggests  that the reason John's dad collects clowns is because he thinks John likes them, and he wants to establish a stronger bond with him.
* John alchemizes a bunch of items  using Sburb's alchemy system. Meanwhile, Rose has finished building up John's house to the first gate .
* John climbs the new architecture, mowing through hoards of imps and ogres. He makes it to the top and enters the gate . He explores his land for a little bit, learning the lore of LOWAS. According to the local consorts, The Slumbering One put a curse on the fireflies that traps them underneath the clouds. The Slumbering One also flooded the pipes with oil and created an army of underlings for Derse. After he did these things, he fell asleep, and can be heard snoring across the land.
* John is sent messages by the Peregrine Mendicant, but isn't fully cognizant of receiving them .
* John talks to a Salamander who explains LOWAS's Parcel Pyxides to him. He opens a pyxis and finds a minitablet with a picture of a shoe  carved into it. John answers by putting one of his dad's many shoes  from his Sylladex into the pyxis. He does the same for a minitablet asking for a hat, to which John sends the hat  that he created earlier using alchemy.
* PM is enthusiastic of all of the mail-related customs  on LOWAS. John happens upon an empty minitablet, a chisel, and a chunk of amber with a firefly inside.
* After exploring for some time, John tries to message Rose , but she's AFK. Jade messages John instead. She tells him she's installing the game and that John should go look for wherever his dad's car fell so that he can retrieve his server copy. John is suspicious of Jade's knowledge that John's dad's car fell down and accuses her of being psychic. She says she's no more psychic than John (which is technically true).
* John is then trolled by  Karkat Vantas. Karkat tries to convince him that, in Karkat's time, he's friends with the humans. He also tells John that the trolls are in their own session of Sburb. He needs to tell Jade something important, but she's not answering his texts, so he's trying to get John to convince Jade to answer him.
* John enters a burning salamander village and strifes with two basilisks and a giclops . The underlings get the better of John , but he gets saved by Jade's grandpa, alive and in the flesh. He shoots the basilisks dead and fires a round into the giclops's eye, blinding it and causing it to abscond. Grandpa Harley marches away silently, holding John's copy of Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text  under one arm. John catches a glimpse of him as he leaves.
* John wants to follow the strange man, but stays to help the salamanders put out the fires . He throws the Barbasol bomb onto one of the burning roofs, hoping the shaving cream puts it out. Unfortunately, shaving cream is very flammable, so it makes matters worse. Fortunately, a gust of wind blows by and puts out the fires . The salamanders rejoice and give John all the credit.
* PM messages John and tells him to use the chisel to carve a picture of his Sburb copy  on his blank minitablet. He then puts the minitablet in a pyxis, and the breeze takes it to the Parcel Mistress .
* Rose finally returns John's messages . She talks to John about her land, and John tells Rose what Karkat told him about how they want to be friends.
* Eventually, John finds his dad's car  at the base of the pillar. His package from Jade and the Sburb copy aren't there, as they were taken by the  Authority Regulator. Terezi messages him . She says she's going to help him with his adventure because she wants to see if she can mess with the timeline. Using a map of John's world that she found, Terezi guides John directly to his next gate.
* Taking Terezi's shortcut, John and many of his artifacts get covered in oil. His *Con-Air* bunny falls in the river  and becomes especially dirty. He reenacts a scene from Con-Air  with some salamanders. Karkat trolls him  to ask him what he's doing, and they discuss the troll film industry. Terezi punches Karkat and says it's from John. Karkat tells John to tell past Terezi to "POLISH [his] HEAVING BONE BULGE AND SET A TABLE FOR FUCKING TWO ON IT FOR OUR CANDLE LIGHT HATE DATE". John asks Karkat if he's talked to Jade yet, not knowing that this Karkat is in the past compared to the last one he talked to. Karkat leaves to investigate the Jade situation.
* Afterward, Terezi messages John  and tells him to stop being "STUP1DLY 4DOR4BL3". John tells Terezi that Karkat told him to tell her that he "wants her to touch his bone lump" and "that he's basically in love with her". John also talks about how in Terezi's future she's going to punch Karkat and say that it's from him, but that he doesn't care if it happens and that he's just the messenger.
* Terezi's shortcut took John to his denizen's palace . Terezi explains the concept of denizens to John. John hops into a return node  and gets sent back to his house. The small salamander that John gave the *Con-Air* bunny to follows him (it doesn't appear to on the next page  but it is seen in John's house later).
* At home, Terezi asks John for the captcha code  for John's glitched out jetpack. She sends the code, along with the three captcha codes for the items glitched into the jetpack, to her "H4CK3R GUY" who decodes the captcha code for the working jetpack.
* John alchemizes the rocket pack. Before he blasts off, Dave messages him  and tells him that he's in the Medium. Dave asks John for advice on what to tier-two prototype his sprite with. John says to either ask Rose or listen to what his sprite suggests. John tells him he's going to blast off to his seventh gate. Dave says he's fucking something up, but doesn't stop him.
* Here, the timeline splits. In one timeline, John is killed by his denizen. For that timeline, see: Davesprite's Timeline. Otherwise, the events of the alpha timeline are as follows:
* Suddenly, Dave tells him to wait, actually. He says another Dave has appeared from the future . Dave says the other Dave is telling him to tell John not to go to his denizen's palace. John thinks Dave is trying to prank him and doesn't believe him.
* John captchalogues Casey (the salamander) and blasts off to his seventh gate. Afterward, John remembers Dave's sincere birthday letter to him . The letter talked about how one day Dave would be there for John to get him out of trouble. This causes John to change his mind and not enter the gate. He flies aimlessly around LOWAS instead. Dave pesters him  asking if he blasted off, to which John says he did, but that he won't enter the gate if Dave is telling him not to, because they're best bros.
* Karkat messages John . Yet again, this Karkat is in the past relative to the last Karkat that John had spoken to. Karkat says John is acting like a larva, to which John replies that humans aren't hatched as larva, they're born as babies. Karkat thinks this is a lie, as in the future John has apparently told Karkat that humans hatch from eggs as larvae. John laughs at what will obviously be a prank in John's future. Karkat says he'll answer any of John's questions about Sburb. John tries to ask what the purpose of the game is, but Karkat refuses to answer, as in John's future they have a big conversation about it. Instead, John asks where Karkat is inside of their session. Karkat says they're in the Veil, and explains to John the Veil, Derse, Prospit, and the Reckoning. He tells John that the humans' Reckoning will occur exceptionally early for reasons that Karkat claims to be the humans' fault, but he won't elaborate on it. John wants to give Terezi a message through Karkat, but Karkat refuses.
* Terezi messages John  and gives him a .FLA file with the location of the next gate he needs to go to as an apology for messing with him and getting him killed in Davesprite's timeline. She says "Earth Jegus" because she thinks it's something humans have, due to Davesprite's typo in her prior conversation with him. John follows the map to his next gate .
	+ The loading screen on the .FLA has a logo that reads "Google™ LOWAS". Whether this screen exists canonically or not is not clear. If it's canon, it begs the question where Terezi located a flash map of John's land with the name "Google" attached to it.
* The gate spits John out through the 2nd Gate above Rose's house . He crash lands through Rose's bedroom wall , destroying part of her Totem Lathe. Rose is there, asleep. He finds Rose's mutated kitten, Vodka Mutini, and names it Dr. Meowgon Spengler.
* Davesprite, who's at Dave's computer, sees through Sburb's host interface that John is at Rose's house now . John thinks Terezi tricked him again, since the gate she pointed him to sent him to Rose's house. Davesprite says it wasn't a trick and explains how gates work to John. John offends Davesprite by asking if he can talk to the "real Dave". Despite being upset, he gives John a captcha code from the future. John talks to Dave who says Davesprite probably isn't upset because Davesprite is still Dave, and Dave says he himself wouldn't give a shit. John messages Davesprite and thanks him for saving his life, to which Davesprite responds coldly.
* Dave tries to convince John to snoop around Rose's room  while she's sleeping. John refuses to snoop, but Dave tricks him into captchaloguing Rose's secret journals  and revealing the captcha code to Dave's perspective through the Sburb host interface. John doesn't realize he's been tricked and says he refuses to give Dave the captcha codes for the journals.
* John gives into his curiosity prematurely opens Rose's birthday gift to him. It's an old stuffed bunny  that belonged to her since she was a baby, and she repaired it using the knitting needles John gave her for her last birthday. It closely resembles the *Con-Air* that Dave gifted him.
* John deploys Casey  the Salamander from his Sylladex. He notices that Rose is being trolled by Kanaya . This is the first time Kanaya has messaged Rose. She talks with John, leading Kanaya to believe that Rose is dumb. John says the trolls should quit their trolling and just make friends with the humans already.
* Rose wakes up, but John leaves  just before Rose is able to speak with him in person. He takes Vodka Mutini with him.
* John explores LOLAR with his rocket pack. He finds the island  with Rose's mom's boat perched on the shore and goes to investigate. Inside he fights some liches and goes through a transportalizer  to the Veil . There, he finds a bunch of random artifacts : his copy of *Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text*, his dad's oily fedora, Maplehoof the pony, and Dave's dream version of Lil' Cal. He also finds and wears the Junior Ectobiologist's Lab Suit .

#### Davesprite's Timeline

The following events take place in the timeline where John goes to fight his denizen early and is killed.

* John captchalogues Casey (the salamander) and blasts off  to his seventh gate. Instead of John's denizen staying asleep like Terezi thought would happen, it wakes up and kills John . Because John then can't connect to Jade as her host, Jade is also presumed to be killed by a meteor strike.

## Echeladder

 2
 3

\*125 Boondollars are rewarded to John after climbing to Juvesquirt and Plucky Tot both at once. How many Boondollars he would have gotten for only climbing to Juvesquirt is unknown.

 7

Between page 486  and page 511 , John kills two  imps  and his Cache Limit increases from 50 to 80. This most likely means John had risen to the next Achievement Rung, as +30 matches the pattern set by the last two rungs adding +10 and +20 to the Cache Limit.

John earns 415 Boondollars between page 405  and page 555 .

John has 2,400 Cache Limit at the 14th rung. This means that the equation for increasing the Cache Limit cannot always be 10 \* (1 - y) where y equals the number of the previous rung. Otherwise, John would only have 930 Cache Limit.

 16

## Mythological Role

John is the Heir of Breath .

John's personality is very fickle, spontaneous, and carefree. He makes decisions as they come to him instead of carefully planning things out.

## Trivia

* It is said that John did not have a name before April 13th, 2009 . However, this cannot be true, as he is shown being referred to as John during  flashbacks  from before this date.
* John hates the Betty Crocker company .
* John's giant harlequin doll  is initially drawn without any arms, same as most people in *Homestuck*. However, because John is able to attach two fake arms to the doll , and because other life-sized  inanimate humanoids  are drawn with their arms in full view, it is very likely that the harlequin doll canonically never had arms to begin with.
* John is allergic to peanuts .
* John can play the piano .
* John's Typheus homepage  is set to http://www.mspaintadventures.com
* When opening presents, John always opens the biggest present last .
* John used to really like Fruit Gushers . It is not known whether he still does or not after finding out that Gushers are owned by Betty Crocker .