Larina Shon

**Larina Schön** ( RC: Ларина Щён ) is the temporary administrative chief admiral of the *Midian* battle group commanding the Boadicea highliner, she's like very high up in the chain of Laconic supreme command: the battle group is named after the notorious Midian void, a dark sector full of hostile Dyson spheres run by some shady machine kleptocracy.

Despite being such a badass, she is a fragile little thing who looks almost exactly like my first crush: an excellent girl who found me on a shitty Hungarian website way before Tinder came around!

*"If you want a picture of Thanna future, imagine a sexy heeled boot stamping on your son's face... Forever!!!" -* 1st Adm. Larina Shon, Planetfall Speech

## Background

Admiral Shon was raised on Medina Prime & she used to work for the Ranador until her workplace was attacked by Righteous Alliance mobsters during the nuclear winter, after which she decided to join the Laconic navy: she suffered a long list of abuses including sexual assault at the hands of her captors for more than a week until she was liberated by Jezebel operatives.

Logically enough, she became a Jezebel herself. She was the typical bold-minded Ranador officer in every sense before this happened, living a very comfortable happy-go-lucky jet set lifestyle on her sizeable personal income. Her ancestors were actually KMT people though, she has always been very proud of this fact!

### Trivia

Interestingly enough, her Earth 2 doppelgänger I fell in love with was also totally into ancient Egypt back in those days at least. Interesting, huh? I could not bring myself to even hold her hands cuz I was a lame-ass autistic weirdo from the hood! So yeah, now she is happily married to some skinny hipster jerk who got everything cuz he had cool rich parents or whatever, I don't know.

My parents... No, sorry, never mind! This lovely hot Jewish princess is now working for the "organizational development" of a greasy law firm & I guess I am happy for her as long as she... Okay, well, actually I guess I don't give a shit cuz it doesn't matter. Neither do I for her, you know, that's life! Back to the story!!!

## Earth 2 invasion looms

With two new highliners - namely the Bobbie Draper (RC: Боби Дрэпёр) and the Mars NN Chani (RC: Чанъй) arriving to assist the Nothanna siege, the nearby Midian Central Fleet is suddenly re-organized around the Boadicea & we are all suddenly vectored to the Earth 2 exclusion zone at full speed.

Main article: Black Sky Faction

### Atreides fleet

Earth 2 was also on the shores of the notorious Midian void, an infamous graveyard of interstellar empires: something really messed up was going on there, with major Thanna forces also approaching at full speed.

Ranigan ships calling themselves the Atreides Corporation, with a knock-off logo from the Dune franchise, came up to the surface after lurking in the oceans for decades: they were hailing to Laconia for immediate assistance on a wide band.

## DML has yet another date

On a personal visit upon her request, Larina was like yeah, we gonna seize that station before something really bad happens! Not to apologize, just to make things clear as if they weren't crystal clear already. I was like sorry, ma'am, that "station" is the solar system you are talking about!

### Initial setting

Seven billion souls, yo!! Enya was blaring from the loudspeakers of her lovely little situation room, namely the ominous Tempus Vernum song: it gave me the goose bumps even in my own kitchen, let alone this creepy room where she was planning the destruction of my birth planet.

Larina: Yeah, so what? Laconia has seven trillion, yo! Solar system, my ass, yo! Give me a break here, grandson, I can't even... (sighs) Okay, honey, let's take a look at this lovely stellar map! Come, come, baby, come check it out: this is your planet Jupiter, right?

DML: (confused) Yes, ma'am! That's the stellarium of my Mars National Navy streamed from Olympus National Station if I am correct.

### Navigation interface

Larina: Jawohl, Herr Marton!! So, Jupiter. Biggest of all ancient solar planets, right? Now if we superpose this Mars NN solar map on this whatever little orange star that seems to be our current location... Okay, zoom in, zoom in & voilá! You see, this little piece of nothing is us right here. Right behind Jupiter's ass, okay? Now can you spot this big boy with a periscope for me? Hm? Give it a try!

DML: Sure! Thank you!! (messes around with the periscopes on the main screen, checks the local stellarium too, finds no Jupiter, gets disappointed) Wow, that's interesting!

Larina: (laughs) Oh yes, it is!!! That's right, sweetheart, it should be like... Everywhere, you see, blocking all our view! Hm? Where is it, huh?

DML: (agitated) You sure it's not some...

Larina: (insulted) Herr Marton, I spent the better part of my life on this vessel!! I really should know it when a periscope goes wrong, okay?

DML: (puzzled) Sure! Okay, sorry for asking. I remember asking why we don't slingshot around Jupiter, you know, back on the Adiemus... Nooo way! Admiral, why would you possibly ever hide a gas giant from me? It doesn't make any sense.

Larina: (laughs) No shit!! You are right, Herr Marton, it doesn't. So, where is it? Maybe the Tsertserooshka took him somewhere, right?

### Церцерущка

DML: Admiral, I am absolutely certain that's the answer: it's the Jews, ma'am, it's always the Jews.

Larina: (clueless) You mean the gravity juice?

DML: (laughs, pointing at my nose) No, the Jews!!! Ma'am... Yehudim, yevrey! Israel.

Larina: (yawns) Ach so, die Juden, ja klar! (shrugs, still clueless) Ummm... Okay, I guess? I mean... Hm? (eery silence) What now??? Speak your mind, baby, what do you want?

DML: (adoringly) A kiss!! No wonder you got such a big highliner, with such a sharp mind.

Larina: (romantically aroused) Na, hey! Stop mocking me, you insubordinate little thing! (Laughs, we kiss with tongues for half a minute.)

DML: Ummm yeah, well, I think he must be hiding somewhere, probably smoking dope with the Tsertserooshka. No offense, I would totally do that if I were Jupiter myself! (silence) What?? I am not a forensic planetologist, Comrade Admiral, I'm just a bomber guy.

Larina: (smiles generously) Rhetorical questions, baby, relax! It has never been here in the first place, you know, because (raises her voice) this ain't no solar system, yo! Yo? Okay? Got it??

DML: (salutes) Jawohl, mein Kommandant!!

Larina: Good! (starts gently petting my face & then my ass, points to a door) Hm?

DML: (confused) Admiral Shon, that's not where I came in.

### Bedroom

Larina: No, little prince, it's my bedroom. Any objections?

DML: (thinking about a date I fixed with someone else) Schon??

Larina: (looks at me disgragefully)

DML: (laughs nervusly) Sorry, it means "already" in German.

Larina: (petulant) "Ich weiss alle Bedeutungen meiner Name, Herr Marton, also verSHONe deine Scheisse Witze... (clears throat) Listen, I don't care about your plans for tonight! It's none of my business. Just call them off, okay? I can make your life a lot better, you know, and obviously I can also make it worse. It's your call!"

DML: (tearfully) "Yes, ma'am! Ready to serve, no objections."

Larina: (laughs, grabs my butt very firmly, pushes me into her spartan bedroom) "Good. There we go, sad boy, you just made the right call again! You always do the right thing, this is something I really like about you. Go ahead & take a shower, make yourself at home! We can talk about your shithole planet on the pillow, I just need an hour to do some paperwork here. See ya!!" (locks the bedroom door from outside, walks away with her heels clicking on the floor)

## Aftermath

Larina is the kind of villain you fall in love with at first sight & you just keep rooting for her until the very end, no matter what happens, because of all her charm: she is incredibly attentive & patient, genuinely compassionate, generous, cautiously optimistic, usually polite & always breathtakingly sexy... You know, all that Ranador stuff!!

Yet so goddamn ruthless, it just blows your mind! Girl's got so much blood on her hands after centuries of warfare, you could probably fill the entire Lake Baikal with it. Dropping a neutron bomb on a million people is just a day in office for her, you know, like fixing a bad Excel spreadsheet for an idiot collegue: she doesn't think much about it as long as it has to be done. Collateral damage, okay?

### Personal

Our date was one of the best nights of my life, there is no doubting that, but it was also profoundly disturbing: the things she told me about her life, all the hard choices she had to make on the battlefield, but most importantly the amount of information she had on me.

She had at least a hundred Earth 2 natives in her fleet, including some personal friends I used to hang out with, so why the fuck me? She knew how much I wanted to work on the navigation deck & now she offered me a flight control job under minus 3 G's.

Yet her rationale was so unsettlingly weird that I almost turned her down: she was like yes, I am the one who would follow her order to drop that neutron bomb no matter what. I demanded her official recommendation to select me into the Laconic military delegation to the Atreides as soon as the planetary blockade is established.

Larina was the one who pitched the Marco Inaros operation against Mother Russia on Earth 2 to the rest of the Jezebels already on our video conference when I was still on the Gavrilo Princip highliner: her burning hatred of Putin was so viscerally strong, it would have made the Pussy Riot girls blush in remorse.

The attack on Earth 2 was just an option on the table for everyone, but not for her. She wanted it to happen in the first place! Larina has always been in love with fate in a very Nietzschean way, ever since she left her civilian job on Medina Prime.

### Politics

A few days after our date, the Boadicea LCD just crushed into the deviator bubble for everyone on Earth 2 to behold her grandour & the rest, as we like to say, is history: there was a few hours when all the fake stars went dark with some system-wide glitch & the only lights those people (including my former high school crush you saw above) could see were those of our approaching ships.

They were already starting to figure out how far they are from being alone in the universe, which is indeed why those Ranigan ships came up from the deep blue sea: to prevent them from doing anything crazy. Truly they did one hell of a job down there, but the size of Thanna forces approaching was way too big for them to handle alone!

We did a lot of work under Jade's command to clear the way for those ships to come up & do their business when their time came, so they were all transferred to the Midian as soon as we got our new objective: Brosnky, Svoren, Richter, Nunez, Starzman, Voronin, Steingart, they were all there! So was a replica of the Lorelai with all her crew.

Vati was there all along, serving together with me on the Princess Irulan since Captain Sandra Sogdian had a special place in her heart for that Paki bastard: I guess he was my best friend or something, we were really close. He probably had even more sex than me, although I must guess he didn't get to fuck the chief admiral herself. Yo, everybody say my name!!!