Headhunters 5: The Sinister Six

## Introduction

The greatest trick Glorio ever pulled was convincing people he didn't exist. Weeks spent in New Zealand proved no match for Jeff Probst and his tribe, but a return to the states finally did him in as he becomes the latest head to adorn the walls of Glorio's casle of fantasy pain.

## In Memoriam: Jeff Probst' Tribe

The man with the rogue apostrophe now has a period at the end of his rookie campaign.

The beginning of the end was on Black Friday, when Tua lived up to his name with two uh everything. Two rushes (1 yard). Two sacks. Two picks (one for a TD). With Jahmyr Giblets and Amon-Ra St. Brown Bread both coming up short of expectations (like mama's stuffing, amiright...trying to get some Thanksgiving in here), it was off to Tribal Council for the man who just last week had finished first in the immunity challenge.

A couple of his players really turned it around from last week. Only problem was those players did really well last week. So when they turned it around they actually turned it around it was a bad thing! Saquon went Barking up the wrong Tree, going from a 35 to a 8.55 like Woody Allen when Mia Farrow used to leave him alone in the house.

Even though 9 positions broke 10, only two broke 20. On MNF, it was clear that the vote was coming down to Müller or Probst, with Jeff having at least a shot with Joshua Dobbs and Cole Kmet. When Cole caught 80 balls on the opening drive, it looked like Müller might be on the chopping block. But then Lite played his Shot in the Dark, sacrificing his vote for an "I'm done" text that somehow continues to work. By the way, these tribal council jokes really go hard for anybody who watches the new season of Survivor.

Anyway, one thing that doesn't seem to be surviving is the Minnesota Vikings seasons. Have to imagine jersey sales for the space man are going to plummet after Josh Dobbs threw an out-of-this-world four interceptions.

It was a great first year for Probst, who really suffered from both QBs shitting the bed on the same week. It's crazy, so many teams got worse as they "got better." Sometimes the big name on the back of the jersey can be a curse.

Jeff Probst' Tribe:

## Weeks Survived (2019 v 2020 v 2021 v 2022 v 2023)

Invite this man back for Survivor: All-Stars!

## Dead Money

Keeping track of all the cash that never got spent by teams that are now eliminated.

Dead Money 2023

Jeff gave it his all. I mean literally, he used every last dollar.

## Top New Releases

1. Keenan Allen
2. Ja'Marr Chase
3. Amon-Ra St. Brown
4. Tua Tagovailoa
5. Joe Mixon

Not putting Gibbs on here because of potential curse alert.

## Week Twelve Bidding Results

### Quick-Hit Thoughts

* Last Year's Most Expensive Player: Josh Allen - $180 (Hasta Laviska Baby...remember him?)
* Biggest Overpay: Justin Fields ($50 over next highest bid - Obi-Wan Mahomie)
* Narrowest Margin of Bid Victory: A.J. Brown ($3 over next highest bid - Bad Boys II)
* Why is A.J. Brown have periods but AJ Dillon doesn't? What's up with that?
* Commish may have overpaid for Kyren Williams but it was definitely $18 well spent.
* You guys all gave this fucking guy KVR money and now he has A.J. Brown & Tyreek Hill. Nice work.

## Excessive Spend

Excessive spend is anything over a single dollar more than the next highest bid for the player you won, and does not take into account the talent level or value of the player.

How does KVR continue to do this? Masterclass.

## Money Spent Per Week

We are obsessed with buying exactly 11 players a week.

## Week Twelve Results

* Biggest Climber: Obi-Wan Mahomie (^6)
* Biggest Faller: Jeff Probst' Tribe (v6)

## Draft Dodgers

And just like that the entire bottom of the draft has been swiped from the surface of the Earth.

## Kings of the Castle

### 1. Obi-Wan Mahomie

OBI is going to WANt to spend big this week with Diggs, Jacobs, Hockenson, and Fields all on the bye. The good news is that on his bench you had Stafford outscore Fields, Watson outscore Diggs, and McBride just narrowly fall below Hockenson. You probably don't want to roll that squad out in a six-team league, but it's not a death sentence.

### 2. Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack

Made almost every correct start/sit possible, including a benching of Cooper Kupp Half Empty, James ConArtist, and Derek Carr Accident. But as is the case this late, start/sits for similar players is always tough. Mondre or Bijan? Singletary or Charbonnet? Josh Allen is on the bye, which means KVR will be in the crowded market for Tua.

### 3. Headless Horsemen

They should him WHAAAndrew because he was whining about the Joe Burrow injury last week in the Messenger thread. The only thing keeping AndrBooHoo here is Glorio and his willingness to be patient and wait for the right moment to strike. Will it be this week? Is it coincidence that the manager who was sucking his thumb like a baby during the Bengals game last week now has a stud RB set to miss a game because of thumb surgery? Whispers: \*glorio always knows\*

I would also like to say that I have never met Andrew and I am sure he is a fine lad and not at all a baby.

## On the Chopping Block

### 6. Müller Lite

This team's season is destined to end at the hands of Justin Herbert, either with a championship or an execution. The NFL cannot help but put the Chargers in primetime, which means Müller has to agonize every single week. At least Kyler Bill Murray has been treating each week like Groundhog day and repeating 30+ point performances. And Tony Jackson Pollard has been showing showing spashes of brilliance as well. Dalton KinFirstAid has been a good bandaid at the Tight End position but he is off this week, creating an area of need that Geruson may have trouble filling.

### 5. Monty's Python

Checking back in with the fart of the league as Monty's Python continues to be silent but deadly. The only manager we never hear from, Monty is ahead of the lowest surviving team (me) but a whopping 492.15 points. But this is the lowest the team has finished since week 7, and a combined 99.47 from Stroud and Hurts hid a pretty bad average day from everybody else.

### 4. Henry VIII

Speaking of hiding a bad day! Let's talk about Kyren Williams dropping 52.39 points! Lamar and Brock combined for 41. That's not how superflex is supposed to work! Henry would have been better off benching a second QB and starting fucking Najee Harris at Superflex. The best thing to say about this team is that since the bench is so average, there is plenty of room for improvement for waiver adds.

## Narrow Defeats

Margin of Defeat for Last Place Teams:

We have not had an excruciatingly narrow defeat in a while. We might be due.

## Unique Players Started

How many unique players (Defense included) were started by each team. The table can be sorted by players and also by week eliminated.

## Rulers of the Kingdom

2023 first place finishers:

It was all going so well for Jeffy.

## Dungeon Dwellers

2023 teams that finished second-to-last, narrowly avoiding elimination:

Bad time for your first trip to the dungeon.

## Single Season Scoring Records

As teams get eliminated, their single season performance will appear here. Bolded lines indicate performances from the current season.

Cola gets on this list for the first time, and finishes in the top half of single-season scores.

## All-Time Combined Points Scored

Same as above: eliminated teams will have their 2023 season added to the total. Bolded lines indicate that the record has been updated through 2023.

Jeff Probst nearly catches Jethro, who has played three additional seasons.