If There's a Will

"**If There's a Will**" is a song in Dog Spray Afternoon. There is also a Reprised version, and an End Credits version.

## Lyrics

**[Helen]**

"Helen, will you freshen up my drink?"

Okay

"Take Shampagne to see his doggy shrink"

Of course

"Lace my girdle, file down my skin tags,"

Sure

"And count all my shoes and my handbags"

"Helen will you swallow all your rage?"

For now

"Keep it like a monkey in a cage"

I love monkeys

"Just ignore Shampagne's much higher standing"

I will

"Adore me, endure me withstanding my demands"

But I've got plans

So these demands are temporary

I grin and bear it knowing where my future life could lead

I grit my teeth and find relief repeating

If there's a will, there's a way, there's a way

If there's a will, there's a way, there's a way

If there's a will, there's a willy-nilly way

To be living like I'm top-notch

Filthy stinkin' rich, watch

Just gotta be smart like so

Keep playing my part like so

Don't step on my toes

Nobody knows what really goes on

In Bitsy's rich-and-famous lifestyle penthouse in the tower

Gonna have my hour with the willpower

Maybe I'll manipulate the lawyer

That's good

Show a little ankle in the foyer

Men love ankles

Make him give me power of attorney

Or else...

He'll leave Bitsy's house on a gurney

Her Shampagne taste is such a waste

It's time she tasted mine

Let's seal the deal up, club a seal up

Show me where to sign

Until that day, I lay awake recalling

If there's a will, there's a way, there's a way

If there's a will, there's a way, there's a way

If there's a will, there's a willy-nilly way

Willy-nilly way

Willy, willy, willy way

**[Helen, spoken]**

Oh, Helen, is it worth it?

Maybe you should give up this life of misdeeds and manipulation

Just kidding

**[Helen, sung]**

Willy, willy-nilly, hey

Gonna shake that money in my monkey bank

Gonna shake it

Willy, willy-nilly, hey

Gonna shake that money in my monkey bank

Gonna shake it

Woah, woah

**[Helen and Cole]**

Shake it willy-nilly

Shake it willy-nilly

**[Helen]**

Woah, woah

**[Helen and Cole]**

Shake it willy-nilly

Shake it willy-nilly

**[Helen]**

If there's a will, there's a will, there's a way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way

### Sung by

Helen

Okay, I'm done

## Lyrics (Reprise)

**[Helen, spoken]**

You think you're gonna get all the money, huh? A damn dog!

Do you have any idea what I do for that woman?

Half of her blood used to be my blood

**[Helen, sung]**

Fluffy little face

With your fluffy dumb tail

Wagging to the pace

Life is tough with your plushy bedding and your tushy-petting-getting

Ooo, I could choke you 'til you croak 'cause my life's a joke

You see

For once in my life I'd have glee

If I didn't have to lift a finger

If I linger here by the Harlem Meer

And I have to lag

And help an old hag with her handbag

"Bless you"

Bless you

"Achoo"

Tissue?

"Thank you"

Yes, if we talk in the crosswalk

Then a bike group bikes by, bye-bye

And a horse on its course

Pulls its carriage with a force

And splat, you'll be flat

Like a hat that's been sat on

Muahahaha-hahahaha

Muahahaha-hahahaha

Muahahaha-hahahaha

Ugh, that's exhausting

If there's a will, there's a way, there's a way

If there's a will, there's a way, there's a way

There's a way to get away scot-free

With a sneaky-deaky murder of the first degree

So, doggy don't mess

See now who's a pedigree

Me

**[Helen, spoken]**

Oops, I did not mean to come this way

## Lyrics (End Credits)

**[Helen]**

Money in my monkey bank

Willy, willy-nilly, hey

Gonna shake that money in my monkey bank

Gonna shake it willy, willy-nilly, hey

Gonna shake that money in my monkey bank (money in my monkey bank)

Woah, woah

**[Helen and Cole]**

Shake it willy-nilly

Shake it willy-nilly

**[Helen]**

Woah, woah

**[Helen and Cole]**

Shake it willy-nilly

**[Helen]**

Money in my monkey bank

Woah, woah

♫♩

Woah, woah

♫♩

If there's a will there's a way, there's a way-ay

If there's a will there's a willy-nilly way-ay