LOL Detroit Lions History

The **Detroit Lions** are a franchise dating back to 1928 that has never seen a single Superbowl. They are one of the most lobsided franchises in the NFL today.

## New MILLENia

#### **Just traveling to lose**

* The 2000 season was a usual Detroit Lions season
	+ After getting embarassed by the Dolphins at home in week 10, Bobby Ross threw his hands up and quit.
	+ They went 9-7, but this is the NFC Central in 2000, so that's only good for like 4th.
	+ Oh yeah, and this would be the last winning season in Detroit for **11 years.**
* Matt Millen was hired as the new president, who was a former linebacker that had no experience with management, he started off by naming Marty Morhinweg the coach. If you were a Lions fan during Millen's tenure as president of the franchise, god help you.
	+ Matt Millen himself even admitted to Ford in the job interview that he had no experience, Ford's response? "You'll figure it out"
* The 2001 season was an even worse Detroit Lions season
	+ After losing the first 12 games, there were rumblings Detroit would be the first team to have a 16 game winless season, they were able to scrape 2 wins together, one of them being the final game in the Pontiac Silverdome.
* The Silverdome would sit abandoned until 2018 when it was demolished... the first implosion failed, and the second one was unimpressive, reminding Lions fans they will never do anything right.
* 2002 saw the realignment of the divisions to four 4-team divisions with the arrival of the Texans. this didn't do any favors for the Lions as the NFL decided to move to Buccs to the NFC south and call the remains the NFC North. So they are still in the same division as the Packers, Vikings and Bears, who all proceed to take turns to this day to kick the Lions' ass.
* The 2002 season was a usual Detroit Lions season
	+ The Lions would draft QB Joey Harrington and make the decision to start him for the rest of the season during the first game as McMahon struggled.
	+ With an awful front office and practically invisible offensive line, the outcome of the season was a disaster for him with 50.1 completion rate and a 59.9 QB rating.
	+ With a 3-13 record to end of the season and five wins in the past 2 years, Marty was fired
* The next head coach was Steve Mariucci.
* The 2003 season was a usual Detroit Lions season
	+ Their first draft pick was WR Charles Rodgers, he'd suffer a horiffic season ending injury during **practice.**
	+ The team at least improved from the last 2 years... going to 5-11
	+ It's also worth noting that the past 3 seasons, the Lions have not won a single away game.

#### **Hell. Literal Hell.**

* The 2004 season was a usual Detroit Lions season
	+ Charles Rodgers would suffer another horrific season ending injury even earlier in the season, this time during game. Rodgers was very upset so the Lions decided to let him go home for the remainder of the season. It was a big mistake even Millen said he made, as Rodgers would turn to the drugs. Another first rounder wasted.
	+ But the Lions would draft another WR in that years draft in Roy Williams, he would get injured during that season too!
	+ The Lions would finally win a road game this season as they beat the Bears, the 24 away game losses would be a record at its time until Cleveland broke it.
	+ The Lions would go 6-10, they were now at 4 straight losing seasons since hiring Millen as president.
* Ford was diagnosed with alzheimer's after this season, not clinically however, he extended Millen's contract and called him "the best President he's ever had", so yeah, definitely alzheimer's.
* For the third year in a row, Millen selected a WR with his 1st round pick in the 05 draft, Mike Williams.
	+ But what made this pick even more horrendous was that Williams actually **sat out** his most previous college season, he wanted to enter in last year's draft but was ineligible because he was a sophmore, since he filled the NFL draft info out anyway he was unable to play for USC his junior year. Millen is relying on a guy who didn't catch a ball for like a year.
* The 2005 season was a usual Detroit Lions season
	+ Mariucci saw enough of Harrington and obviously didn't believe in him, he'd be benched.
	+ Following the traditional Thanksgiving Day loss to the Cowboys, Mariucci was fired.
	+ They would go 5-11, around this time Detroit fans started doing "Fire Millen" protests, even they knew where the problem was.
	+ Mike Williams of course proceeded to be a total bust of a 1st round pick as well, he was traded to Oakland then bounced from team to team until giving up.
* The next coach would be Rod Marinelli. If you were a Lions fan around this time, just... how?
* Joey Harrington would be traded to Miami and Charles Rodgers would be released. That's back to back first rounders wasted.
* The 2006 season was a usual Detroit Lions season
	+ The Dolphins would have the pleasure of delivering the traditional Thanksgiving Day Loss, "Fire Millen" chants would be heard all throughout Ford Field (Harrington was probably sitting on the Dolphins bench loving that.)
	+ The Lions went 3-13 for the season and nothing proceeded to change in the front office.
* Millen would finally make a good Wide Receiver pick in the draft by selecting Calvin Johnson in 2007, but not even that could save Detroit from suffering.
* The 2007 season was a usual Detroit Lions season
	+ For the first time in god knows how low long, the Lions would poise a winning record for the first half of the year with 6-2.
	+ ...Then lay a massive shit and only win 1 of the next 8 to finish 7-9, another losing season for Millen, and this is the best it got for him.
	+ The Lions defense also broke the record this year for most pass completions allowed this season at 422, this would stand until Indy broke that in 2011.
* The 2008 season was. Well just read.
	+ Their first two draft picks in Gosder Cherilus and Jordan Dizon would get in legal issues before the season even started.
	+ After the first 3 games were lost, William Ford's son publicly stated he would fire Millen if he had the authority. The writing was a the wall, and Detroit had something to celebrate as Millen was finally fired. So it had to get better from here on out. Right? Right???
	+ Nope! **0-16 BITCHES!**
	+ Following the first utter disaster 16-game season in NFL history, the Ford family did the right thing and fired Marinelli as well and almost all his coaching staff, cleaning up the disaster Millen built ever since he was employed 7 years earlier.
	+ A large amount of players and coaches from this team never played or coached again in the NFL, that's how bad this was.
	+ It's at this point you wonder how the people of Detroit were able to put up with this shit for seven fucking years. Well they did have the Red Wings at this time.

## The Post-Apocalypse

#### **The Most Reliable Ford in Detroit, the Stafford**

* Beginning their reset for 2009, the Lions decided on a coaching staff led by Jim Schwartz of the Titans, with the 2009 first overall pick, Detroit selected Matthew Stafford which is considered a boom, too bad all four coaching staffs he was with throughout his years in Detroit were busts.
* The 2009 season was a usual Detroit Lions season (at least it was better than last year)
	+ They would only win 2 games this season, who would of thought the QB wasn't the only thing they needed?
* The Lions had the number 2 overall pick for the 2010 draft, they used it on DE Ndamukong Suh, who had major issues on the field.
* The 2010 season was a usual Detroit Lions season
	+ Suh was fined 3 times during the season
	+ They did go 6-10 though! By Detroit Lions standards around this time, this is pretty much a win.
* The Lions drafted DT Nick Fairly with their first round pick in the 2011 draft, he didn't get anywhere and was gone in 4 years.
* The 2011 season was a better Detroit Lions season
	+ They team started 5-0, including their first appearance on Monday Night Football since 2001.
	+ In the traditional Thanksgiving Day loss, Suh tried to injure Green Bay OL Evan Dietrich-Smith, he was ejected as a result and suspended for 2 games.
	+ The Lions then grabbed the number 6 seed of the playoffs at Week 16, their first playoff birth since 1999 and first winning season since 2000 at 10-6.
	+ The Saints then crushed them in the first round.
* The 2012 season was a usual Detroit Lions season.
	+ Once again in the traditional Thanksgiving game loss, Suh commited a penalty by kicking Texans QB Matt Schaub in the groin, he was fined..
	+ The Lions went 4-12.
* The 2013 season was a usual Detroit Lions season.
	+ By Week 10, the Lions were actually in first in the NFC North.
	+ They would even win their Thanksgiving Day game for the first time in a decade.
	+ The Lions were then sitting at a 7-5 record with hopes of making it back to the playoffs, then they would lose their last four and miss out. Schwartz was then fired.

## "The Detroit Patriots"

#### **Well... It's somewhere?**

* The Lions hired Jim Caldwell as their next head coach in the 2014 offseason.
* William Clay Ford passed away in March 2014, his widow Martha decided to just control the team instead of realizing her husband had no idea what he was doing.
* The 2014 season would be a slightly better Detroit Lions season
	+ Caldwell would get the Lions to 11-5, getting them a date with Dallas in the wild card round. But, in a testament to ref ball, a changed pass interference call gave Dallas more points and cost the Lions the game.
* The 2015 season was a usual Detroit Lions season
	+ After losing 7 of their first 8, Ford finally axed GM Martin Mayhew and president Tom Lewand.
	+ With playoff hopes dead, the Lions proceed to fuck up their tank and go 7-9.
	+ Calvin Johnson then decided to retire once it was all over, the Lions asked for money back from him. Megatron now cut ties with the organization.
* The Lions would hire former Patriots executive Bob Quinn as their next GM, who would wind up tearing down the foundation Caldwell built.
* The 2016 season was a usual Detroit Lions season
	+ They won 9 of 13 to start off with the NFC North in sight.
	+ Then shit hit the fan as Stafford broke a finger in Week 14, they'd lose the rest of their games, go 9-7, and limp into the playoffs only to get ripped apart by the Legion of Boom.
* The 2017 season was a usual Detroit Lions season
	+ While the Lions weren't that bad they were in position to get into the wild card, all they had to do was beat the Bungles in Week 16. They'd blow it, lol.
	+ Bob Quinn fired Caldwell at the end of the season, this outraged the Lions locker room as he was pretty much their best coach in God knows how long.

#### **The Man on the ATV**

* Quinn would hire Matt Patricia as their next head coach, who was the defensive coordinator of the New England Patriots. Seeing the trend?
* Before the season the Lions tried to trade for Rob Gronkowski from the Pats, to avoid going to Detroit, Gronk claimed "he was retired".
* The 2018 season was a usual Detroit Lions season
	+ Despite beating the Patriots in week 3, they went 6-10.
	+ From Week 11-14, the Lions had games which would all be indoors or in a hotter environment, Patricia would continue to hold practice outdoors in the cold. When questioned, he made a 891-word lecture why.
	+ Offensive coordinator Cooter would be fired following the disaster.
* Their next offensive coordinator would be Darrell Bevell, who was the Seahawk's coordinator that passed the ball on the 1-yard line in the Superbowl.
* The 2019 season was a usual Detroit Lions season
	+ In a trade that upset the locker room, safety Quandre Diggs would be traded to Seattle, who was one of their captains. Why? They were worried the team would rally behind him instead of the coaching staff.
	+ Stafford would suffer a back injury, ending his streak of starts at QB.
	+ In the traditional Thanksgiving Day loss, the Lions would be eliminated from playoff contention after blowing a 2 possession lead to Mitch Trubisky and the Bears.
		- In the half time show of the said game, a technical difficulty took place where the stage lost power. Detroit literally can't enjoy anything on Thanksgiving.
	+ Oh did I forget to mention? **Their Week 9 win would be their last win of the season** (and that was only because they were facing the Pat Shurmur coached Giants).They went 3-12-1, the only 3 games they won were with Stafford at QB.
	+ After the season, the Ford family actually wrote letters to their season ticket holders telling them to please stick with them, Bob Quinn and Matt Patricia. Are you fucking kidding me?
* Martha Ford stepped down from football operations mid-2020, she was replaced by her daughter, still a Ford so no changes there.
* A number of Lions players have also officially lost any faith they had in Matt Patricia.
* The 2020 season was a usual Detroit Lions season.
	+ Start by dominating the Bears only to blow it all in the fourth quarter, Chicago's win percentage was 2% at the beginning of the fourth.
	+ Then blow another big lead to the Packers to the next week, but this one is record, counting the final 2 games of last season, the Lions have now gone four games straight where they led by double digits only the blow it all and lose. Not a record you want to have.
	+ Stafford suffered his first shut out loss since 2009 against the Panthers in Week 11.
		- And this should of been an easy win, as both McCaffery and Bridgewater did not play.
	+ Per Thanksgiving Tradition, the Lions got blown out by the Texans. Realizing her mother made a mistake of hiring them and now matching the number of losses Caldwell had with the Lions (and being caught on camera during the game facepalming), Sheila saw enough and fired Patricia. Bob Quinn, responsible for replacing Caldwell with Patricia, was fired as well.
		- Stafford also refused to back Patricia before the firing.
		- Patricia went crying straight back to New England as well.
	+ The Lions finished 5-11, this was Matt Stafford's last season with the Lions as they announced they would trade him that offseason. Four different coaches, four different rebuilds, a damn waste of a good QB.

#### **Campbell's Kneecap Soup**

* Detroit went an interesting direction with their next GM and HC. First they hired analytics based Brad Holmes for the GM role, who was formerly with the Rams. As for HC, they picked Dan Campell from the Saints, who was the TE coach and Sean Payton's assistant, he also had probably one of the most awesome introductory press conferences of all time.
* Stafford was traded to the Rams for QB Jared Goff and 2 first round picks, that's actually a hell of a deal to be honest.
	+ What makes things a little funnier, Stafford only had one team on his no trade list: New England, as he wants to be nowhere near Matt Patricia for the rest of his career.
* The 2021 season is probably going to be another usual Detroit Lions season.
	+ Start off losing to the 49ers
	+ Then their father daddy in the Packers
	+ Then the Ravens
	+ Then their other father daddy in the Bears
	+ Then their other father daddy in the Vikings
		- They almost won this game but lost to an over 50-yard field goal, Dan Campbell actually cried in his press conference after the game.