Granary

Entrance to the Granary at Night

The **Granary** is a cheapo restaurant located near Ferry Meadows in Peterborough. Part of the Beefeater chain of restaurants, he Granary is used both by Spears and McCauliffe, usually when avoiding the gym, or by our characters for any reason.

Spears and McCauliffe frequent it on Thursdays, and thus it has become a wellspring of boot humour. You can't help but wonder what the staff and other punters must think of them.

## Staff

Although there are a few members of staff who Spears and McCauliffe see regularly, they often find that, every time they visit, there is a new member of staff. Their lineup has changed more often than the Sugababes'.

### **Ratty**

During the summer holidays, Ratty works at the pub as a summer job. Despite his best efforts, several complaints have been made against him by punters. It's not necessarily his service that irks them; it's his repulsive appearance, his involuntary snarling noises and the fleas that always seem to be crawling over his fur.

## The Judges' Table

The Judges' Table is a ridiculously tall table positioned in front of a fireplace at the back of the bar area. This is where Spears and McCauliffe most commonly discuss what the character's have recently been up to, and where many tales are fabricated. When the table has other occupants, to their annoyance, Spears and McCauliffe are forced to sit on the table around the corner of the fireplace instead.

## The 'Minor Character's Table

Due to not featuring as heavily in the Chracter sketches, the minor Charcters reside in this 'purgatory' that is a table away from the action within the Granary. Charcters such as The Hesitant tattooist, and that guy who Lääplääpläas says hello too in that water-logged cave, talk amongst themselves, awaiting for thier next scene to be fabricated.

## Incidences

### **"I'm Falling"**

On one occasion, not long after Spears and McCauliffe had begun using the Granary as their pub-retreat, they were entering the building when a mature woman, and a large elderly man were leaving. Like many other situations, Spears and McCauliffe passed through, and McCauliffe held the door for the presumed couple so they could pass outside. However, the large man began behaving strangely, believing he was 'falling', whist standing still in the doorway, which McCauliffe was holding the door open. The duration of this was probably around the three minute mark before the woman nodded towards McCauliffe to leave the door, which McCauliffe did and it hit into the man, pushing him away from the entrance.

### **The Barmaid-Bloat incident**

This was probably the one occasion when Our Mate felt good about himself and thought he'd try his luck with a 'barmaid' behind the counter. He leant over the bar and playfully tapped her bottom. To his horror however, when the barmaid stood back up straight, Mate quickly learnt that the maid had just been his Ex-Band member Eric van Dorenkamp in disguise. On the slight of the tap, a bodily reaction started to happen to Eric where he began swelling. His already bulging stomach began to conflict with his buttoned shirt, causing it to rip and buttons to fly like bullets around the room. One man was killed when a speeding button ruptured his skull, and pierced the wall on the other side of where he had been sitting. Dorenkamps body unroots the bar from the wooden flooring and the room is slowly engulfed by a swelling mass of human skin. It is unclear how Our Mate escapes, but it is speculated that Mate's friend Peter pulls him from the blubbery-rubble.

### **The Christmas Tree**

Mate was also involved in another incident at the Granary.After being invited to a Christmas Party with Peter's friends, Mate had to relieve himself, and headed towards the bathroom, walking by a large Christmas Tree. Unbeknown to him, the Christmas Tree was a 3D optical illusion and was just Lääplääpläas standing in an un-jointed position. Plaaps grabbed Mate and pulled him into a real Christmas Tree and proceeded to physically assault him. The ordeal lasted a few minutes until Plaaps got bored and threw Mate from his grasp, and got back into his tree position. Mate lay for quite some time, bleeding and bruised upon the floor in the seated welcome area of the restaurant, before Peter found him and mistook Mates' dishevelled appearance for being drunk, and proceeded to walk him from the restaurant.

On 15 November 2018, McCauliffe and Spears were booting about this situation. They started doing impressions of how the Plaapsy optical illusion would appear, and McCauliffe compared it to body popping but if it was done 'shitly'. For some reason, they found this absolutely hilarious and ended up in one of their painful fits of laughter (see the Lovely Day incident).

## Menu

Although the Granary's menu offers a wide range of options, in the past Spears would usually be the only one out of the two who would order food. Spears would look at the menu, but very rarely have anything other than fish and chips with a side of onion rings.

However, Spears and McCauliffe now both eat and have shown more diverse choices. They usually take the form of a burger.

Similar to the staff, the menu also seems to change every time they visit. Sometimes it's just the design, but sometimes they'll change the recipes as well. When they get puds, Spears will try something different. McCauliffe, however, will always choose the baked cheesecake.