Alex Borstein, Our Close Friend

**"Alex Borstein, Our Close Friend"** is the forty-third episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Sean and Hayes start off the show with a segment called “You’re doing it wrong: By Grove I’ve got it!” where they discuss how tickets work and what a mall is. Then, ALEX BORSTEIN is in the studio for “Brick by Brick Tamland”, where she speaks about her iconic roles as Dillary Clinton and Ms. Dogwoman. Finally, the Popcorn Gallery asks Ms. Borstein about her fear of commercials, what made MadTV so angry, and Seth MacFarlane’s in-office antics.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Sean over the theme: " So I'm knocking, and I'm knocking, and I'm pounding on the door ('Yeah.') Finally, the latch turns. Jack.. Palance walks out, zipping his pants up ("Oh my god.."). I go in. Blood everywhere! On the walls, on the ceiling, on the floor. And I.. But that's Jack! Can you get mad? That's Jack!" "It's that old Hollywood thing."
* Hayes is sleepy!
* It's the summertime! If you don't live in NY of LA, in the summertime you might like to go outside and catch a bug, put him in a jar, now that's your family (until dinner). Or go down to the mines, dig around in there, see if you find any treasures!

### Guest Segment

* Hayes over the theme: "So I'm, riding the rollercoaster, 'n goin' up and down. And then I get like this hair, the person in front of me, it's like all in my face, getting in my mouth. I say 'Get that outta my face!' and the guy turns around, and it's Joseph Gordon-Levitt, this is *Third Rock..* era. And he says 'Stuff it, gramps!' And so, I, straddle two cars. Beat him up. Make him chew his own hair off. And now it's his.. idea. He's goin' around with this new haircut, and sayin' like 'this was my idea!'"
* There have been a couple of no-shows for guests recently, but Alex Borstein is a huge show-show!
* Hayes and Sean were really nice to accommodate Alex's insane schedule. Ares and Sasso were too busy today, Sasso was looking for a new copy *Hard Candy* the Kids in the Hall movie on VHS. Nicole Sullivan has 16 kids, all natural! In just two births, two litters. They all just piled up like goat pellets, had them in 10 and 6. Tried to be quiet about it to avoid being an octomom.
* It's so nice to hear that some people can keep things private today, with tabloid culture. When you see that stuff of people saying, 'Oh, they won't leave us alone!' (in re: tabloids), those celebrities are looking for it. That stuff is bought and paid for. Donald Sterling was asking for those tapes to leak! Now look at them, talking about it!
* Alex and the boys start talkin' shop. In this industry there is no *clear path*, unlike an accountant where you know exactly what to do (get a calculator). Kind of like trying to build that Ikea furniture! Alex and her husband bought a Smolt that almost caused a divorce! This statement causes a bout of hysterical laughter from the boys. Unreal! Sean hopes it's not true.
* Hayes talks about how he's been seeing Carrie Ann Moss. Carrie Ann loves Alex's impression of her! Carrie Ann was Alex and her husband's 'freebie' and she tried to embody her to celebrate their anniversary. Alex as Carrie Ann: "Neo." Hayes freaks! It's so good.
* Lots of Alex's characters deal with scent. Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory!
* Alex killed a man at 16, running from this made her want to start to becomes other people. We all kill someone at 16 in one way or another.
* Voice acting is considered easier than what others call 'face acting!' Alex does a day in the life of a voice actor, everyone has their own method. She has a microphone hanging above a Jacuzzi in her home and she chills in it like a precog from *Minority Report*. It has a nice bubbly sound in the background.
* Seth MacFarlane's voice acting setup is the opposite of Alex. He likes to get in a game show booth where the money flies and swirls around. They ask about Seth Green, but they don't.. really care about his set-up. If he wanted to be on the show, though..
* Everything has been done, it's all recycled! It's just your take on it. Just look at the movies out there right now! There's this college movie called *Shenanigans*, and doesn't that just feel like *15 Minutes*, the Ed Burns movie where he's sort of a reporter (Sean didn't need to explain this).
* Cody interrupts that *Million Dollar Arm* is playing now. He pronounces La Mirada, CA like "La Miranda."
* Sean "I love shapes, I'm crazy for them."
* Alex is doing all of *Family Guy* by herself now, live! Seth, the writers, the animators, the episode saver guys (she has to redo all the reruns)

## Recurring Segments

* You're Doing It Wrong: By Grove I've Got It! - in the summertime, people in LA like to drive to a very nice mall! Advice on how to go to the mall properly: some people park wrong, go to stores in the wrong order, and go to wrong stores
	+ A mall is when a lot of shops sort of make a team together, like a sports team, and all want to be in the same place. Think of the man selling nuts by the side of the road where you are; if a bunch of these nut guys decided to sell their wares altogether, not in tents or a wheelbarrow, in a brick and mortar place with a roof. The nut guy, guy making necklaces out of bottletops all get together. In LA money is used as a symbolic tender, not pelts or shiny stones. Or trading a chicken for a pile of beans.
	1. **Tip 1: Carve out some time for the fountains!** They do have water that splashes according to the music. And make wishes! If you stop making wishes in LA, you stop making money. The town runs on wishes: they are the factory smoke and the gasoline. A barista who is a little older? They stopped wishing. Notice their pockets full of pennies. True story: one time Sean threw away a handful of pennies, he just didn't want to be weighed down! Plus he has a bone to pick with the guy that's on 'em. The woman who cleans his trashcan, not Valencia (Hayes was thinking of ~~oranges~~ the instagram filter), looked through his trash, found them, and said "Mr. Sean! Pennies is not trash, pennies is pennies!" -- "No Valencia ("did she think it was food?", pennies is.. wishes!" And she was fired for going through his trash
	2. **Tip 2: Eat first, dolls second.** Some people go to the American doll store *first.* Now! You've got these enormous dolls you have to carry to every other store! Hayes sees people trying to eat their lunch with handfuls of dolls. Is that good planning? They're dipping their dolls hand into their crabcake, or absorbing salsa with the doll's hair and sucking it out of it. This lowers the value of the doll *and* the salsa. You're not going to be able to resale that salsa for as much because some of the hair stays in it. That salsa is an investment. Just jar it up and walk right over to the farmer's market, then you're a business man!
	3. **Tip 3: Which dolls to get?** "There's Molly, there's Sam, there's Felicity. There's Addy. We don't worry about those *other dolls*. Two dolls per arm. You're going to want to buy that Addy. It's a little bit of a thumb in the eye to one Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Hayes "Oh, you say I can't own this thing? Well! Here I am!!" Sean "You got any pieces of paper to stop this? I got a receipt sayin' I do own it! Look at me I'm doing whatever I want to this, seems like I must own it!" Next you want Molly, cause she's smart, Sam, cause she's pretty, and Felicity because she's a hard worker! And you get them home and you put 'em with the rest!
	4. **Tip 4: The pizza's for eating, the tickets for the movie, and outside, is just outside!** They do have a movies theater there. Some people buy the ticket to the movie, go out to look at the fountain-- missing the whole movie! Thinking the ticket is for outside. This happens a lot to people from out of town. The ticket is supposed to be to get to see movies and teasers! Some people go to the pizza store, buy a piece of pizza, take it into the movie theater and say 'Here's my ticket!' That's not your ticket, that for you to eat! You don't have to buy a piece of pizza to go outside, it might be nice! But you don't have to. (*Note: Some advice to seeing a movie in theaters other than at the grove is offered in Ep. #020 - Dave Holmes, Our Close Friend*)
	5. **Tip 5: Please get off the trolley tracks when the trolley is coming at you.** There are trolley tracks, and there is a trolley train that goes around the Grove. Sean knows you want a picture close up of train, the front of the train in motion. But it *will* run you over, crush your bones, smush your bones. And no skitching!! Get off your longboards and don't try to grab the back of the trolley to get between stores. This is extremely dangerous, you could easily get sucked under the wheels. And not just for yourself! Your longboard could go up in the air and knock a woman's dress off and force Hayes into a messy divorce, lost half his cash! Or your skateboard could land in the fountain and create a deviant wish! Imagine the kinds of perverted wishes that could come about from a skateboard in the fountain. This is *"*Monkey's Paw" *times a billion!*
* Brick by Brick Tamland - A segment where Sean and Hayes like to go over a guest's various characters. This is one of S&H's favorite *Anchorman* characters
	+ A MadTV character **Dillary Clinton** - Hillary's less successful sister. They really reach back for this one! Unable to pronounce any consonant. She would just refer to herself as "ia." A great way to stick it to people with speech impediments, or just weird people! She needed a backstory since Clinton was Hillary's married name, which is revealed to be she was such a lost soul that Bill and Hillary adopted her. Hillary has a really 'alt' style sensibility. She has some great vines, some of them are like "What?"
	+ **Mrs. Dogwoman** - Catwoman's teacher from the movie, to show that you can even learn from a nemesis. Sean and Hayes can't tell the difference between a bad guy or a bad woman, it doesn't make any difference. Alex and Halle are both method so they spent a weekend together in a Cape Cod studio. It really comes across in the movies. They had so many salt water taffys in Cape Cod! That sticky treat. She speaks on director Pitof, he suggested the Cape Cod apartment and the taffy. And as a wrap gift he gave them Chinese handcuffs. Sean did some experimenting with these "finger" traps once, you can get a lot of stuff trapped in there.
* Popcorn Gallery - Tim's theme doesn't sound particularly great this episode because Cody wouldn't give Hayes the sound cable. Hayes says the song is "very good." It's going to be in Alex's head for the rest of the day! Sean adds "The day, if you're *lucky*!" and they all have a nice laugh
	1. Skizelo - "Alex, what was MadTV so angry about?"
		+ It was inherent in the name. It was kind of a response to the Elian stuff. Sean "Does comedy is good when it comes from anger?"
	2. Valerie Bryant - "Alex, I read recently that you have a fear of commercials. Is this new or did commercials haunt you throughout your childhood as well?"
		+ Not new, started with Mr. Charmin.
	3. Andrew - "Ms. Borstein, does Seth MacFarlane sing around the office?"
		+ Seth MacFarlane isn't around the office. He's so busy shooting films and preening himself like a meercat. And when he is, he didn't sing. Alex does all the voices on *Family Guy* now. She proves it by doing the fat guy and the baby's voice. Sean and Hayes lose it over all the voices.
	4. Game of Scones - "Alex, did you improvise on the set of *Catwoman*?"
		+ She did not. The script was finely, finely, finely tuned. You don't change Shakespeare, or Harold Pinter. But when they did *O* they changed Shakespeare. And that's maybe why you haven't seen Hartnett that much! You don't do it, and he did it. Sean shouldn't be so hard on his guy Josh, he's on *Penny Dreadful*.
* Pro Version - EthanRunt - you get a bottle opener that looks like a bottle. And a voice mail message from Brian Griffin. "Ethan Grunt, this bottle opener is your's. This is Brian the dog! I am bipedal. I.. have an alcohol issue."

## Recurring Jokes

* Flyover States - If you don't live in NY of LA, in the summertime you might like to go outside and catch a bug, put him in a jar, now that's your family (until dinner). Or go down to the mines, dig around in there, see if you find any treasures! A mall here might be like: Think of the man selling nuts by the side of the road where you are; if a bunch of these nut guys decided to sell their wares altogether, not in tents or a wheelbarrow, in a brick and mortar place with a roof. The nut guy, guy making necklaces out of bottletops all get together.
* Controversial Sean - Sean has a bone to pick with the guy who's on the penny. There's this idea of states' rights! It's important to some people that states have their own way of doing things. Why have the borders!? Why not just this monolith where we all have to follow the same rules. We don't have that, we have the states! If you don't like the way things are ran in your state? Move to another state! Trundle up your fat feetsies. If you go to the other state, don't like the way it's ran there, maybe you're on the wrong side of this! High tail it all the way up to Vancouver or whatever, Sean doesn't have time for your squawkin'! Buying an Addy American Girl doll is a thumb in the eye to one Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Oh, you say I can't own this thing? Well! Here I am!! You got any pieces of paper to stop this? I got a receipt sayin' I do own it! Look at me I'm doing whatever I want to this, seems like I must own it!
* American Girl - Which American Girl doll you want, AFTER EATING, is thoroughly discussed
* Scoop Troop
	+ "When you see that stuff of people saying, 'Oh, they won't leave us alone!' (in re: tabloids), those celebrities are looking for it. That stuff is bought and paid for."
	+ "(*Family Guy* episodes) are just 22 minutes."
* Coo coo - It's hard to build Ikea furniture because those words on the instructions are so coo coo!
* Hayes's Loud Laugh - In re: Ikea furniture, Alex and her husband bought a Smolt that almost caused a divorce!
* Speak on That - Alex is asked to speak on Pitof, director of *Batwoman*. And the Frank Stallone song that she did a dance number to in La Miranda,CA. On the fact that Seth MacFarlane isn't around the office.
* Homoeroticism - Sean and a gentleman friend of his got... something.. stuck in these Chinese... "finger" .. traps. They were still able to check their phones while this happened
* Too Scary - the precogs from *Minority Report* are so scary. Andy Serkis from *Dawn of...* makes Sean want to jump out of his skin! He's sort of a creepy, spectral character. No one should move like that. Is he a man, or some kind of bug!? Can he be both, Sean hopes not. The boys can't watch *Penny Dreadful*, it's got some creepy stuff and is pretty chilling. You're not going to like if you don't like being spooked and startled. If you like a good night's sleep, you're not going to like it. It's monstrous.
* Talking to the Engineer - the boys ask Cody to look up what movies are out there right now.
* Shakespeare - You don't change Shakespeare, or Harold Pinter. But when they did *O* they changed Shakespeare. And that's maybe why you haven't seen Hartnett that much! You don't do it, and he did it. Sean shouldn't be so hard on his guy Josh, he's on *Penny Dreadful*.

## Ads

* Earwolf does other shows, and there's a deal going where if we the listeners make these other shows more popular, Sean and Hayes will appear on them! Such as improv4humans, just needs to get over that hump, we can hear Matt Besser fan out over what Sean and Hayes do! Ronna and Beverly, Sklarbro could also fan out over S&H. Totally Laime, Sean and Hayes would fan out over her and her husband Psychic Andy.

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, Alex Borstein, Sean Clements*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, Alex Borstein, Sean ClementsHayes, and Alex Borstein in the studioHayes on computer with Sean in the background in the studioAlex Borstein in the studio