Fake TPOT 48: Soon As We May/part 6

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"**Soon As We May**" is the non-canon forty-eighth episode and the season finale of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 10 January 1990. Since the second to fifth (or maybe sixth) episodes of *Real TPOT* have already been released in the real world, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

Author's note (29 June 2023): I checked the Google Doc: it's been exactly one year since I wrote the credits song for this episode. (And exactly one minute since I changed the text a bit.)

## Climax and resolutions (cont'd), *13 November 1989*

#### Outside, front: Pencil and Bubble

[*Outside,* **Pencil** *gazes into the distance, as if waiting for someone, as the crowd entering the restaurant starts to dwinkle into a trickle. If this were meant for a more mature audience, she would be having a smoke break.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*sibi loquitur*] Some of you people are dressed needlessly posh. This ain't the Royal Variety Performance!

[*Enter* **Yesa**.]

* **Y****es****a**: Mum, are you okay? We saved you a seat.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You sure it's not been annexed by Match? After a layered salad the bird practically doubles in size. /j [*embrace*] Hi, Yesa. I've just got a case of the nerves.
* **Y****es****a**: Why?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Do you know what it's like to meet somebody after several years, but it feels like you're seeing her for the first time ever?
* **Y****es****a**: Sure. When I met you and Dad last year.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Mm. Good example.
* **Y****es****a**: Well... whatever you're going through, good luck with that! [*going*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wait, you're not staying out here with your own dear mother? You don't even care? Is that a fluttering arm I see?
* **Y****es****a**: It's, er, friendship drama, right? I think that's sort of before my time.
* **P****e****nci****l**: A bit after, but—
* **Y****es****a**: And I really like the song that Profily's band are playing now. So I'll just be off to the dance floor. Bye!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Bye, excuse queen.

[*Exit* **Yesa**. *Pencil sits down on the bench, slightly rolling her eyes. Enter* **Remote**, **Liy**, **Fanny**, **Ice Cube**, **Ruby**, **Bok** *and* **Bubble**. *Pencil tries to hide herself, but in vain.*]

* **Fan****ny**: I hate walking!
* **Li****y**: But I saved your life, didn't I?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Who knew we were actually going to walk through hell and back.
* **Li****y**: That wasn't hell!
* **B****o****k**: Well, the detour we took was totally regrettable. I literally saw red all over... and I'm not talking about my contents!

[*Remote notices Pencil.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hi, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wotcher.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Well, I got my issue to sort out, if you know what I'm saying. See you round?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Or square!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ha.

[**Remote** *hurries inside, followed by* **Ruby** *and* **Fanny**.]

* **R****u****b****y**: *Fooooood!*
* **Fan****ny**: [*blows a raspberry at Pencil*] I hate you!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Rude.
* **B****o****k**: Hey, Pencil, we brought you someone!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I've an idea who that is.

[*Pencil looks over Bok and sees Bubble hiding behind her, making worried noises (a bit like Pen in that episode of* Real TPOT*)*.]

* **B****o****k**: So, we'd better be on our way.
* **Ice Cube**: Yeah! [*going in the other direction*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Where are you going?
* **B****o****k**: Oh, we just want to play on the tyre swing next to the palm tree.
* **Ice Cube**: It's not because we like to eavesdrop!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh.
* **B****o****k**: Mm, we saw Taco sitting up there and we're going to reconnect for the first time as former contestants.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well... you two do that.
* **Ice Cube**: [*continuing*] Time to test the limits of my surface!
* **B****o****k**: You're too much, Ice Cube, you know that?

[*Exeunt, leaving Bubble alone with Pencil.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: So who'll be the first to break the silence here?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I think you've just answered your own question.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Alright.

[*Bubble clears her throat, feeling a bit tense.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Perhaps we should talk in the back so the paparazzi don't grab a photo of us or Bok or Icy decide to listen in—
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: No, no, no! Out here's good. I don't want...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't you trust me, Bubble?

[*Another silence. This episode is full of them.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Did you get a new look too?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, I've made myself up. And my voice did change a while ago.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Yeah, you don't sound as awful and tyrannical.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm no Jim Taggart, but I've a feeling that's exactly what you came here to talk to me about.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: [*sighs*] It's true.

[*Bubble sits down on the bench next to Pencil.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Why are you so tense around me?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: [*gets up*] I think you know very well what you've done to make me this way!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I know... was just trying to start a conversation, is all. We haven't spoken in twenty years!
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Yeah. The world's changed since then. I... I've had about ten jobs and lived in half as many countries before settling down.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What do you do normally?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Oi'm a spoich pathologist in Yoyleland. I work with poiple who don't spoik the soime woy as oiveryone else.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Must be very good for somebody like y—

[*Pencil pauses, thinking about continuing, but decides to remain silent. After a few seconds, she finally speaks. Bubble sits down on the other side of the bench, as far away from Pencil as she can.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: And as my show's just finished, well, I'm out of work, and there's no way society will make me into the obedient "house-girlfriend" to Pen and the kids. I don't like being told what or how to do, in case you didn't know.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Oh, I know. I'm exactly the same. It's from experience.

[*Pause.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Do you remember the last time the two of us were shown interacting?
* **P****e****nci****l**: On screen? I haven't a clue; it's been too long.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Well...

[*Flashback to BFB 1, as Bubble points up.*]

**P****e****nci****l**: Fanny, stop killing the vibe. Lightning, go zap her.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*off-screen*] I sounded like a bloody dolt back then.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Shh, I talk next!

**B****u****b****b****l****e**: Wait! Lightning, remember what I said about—
**P****e****nci****l**: Bubble! You wouldn't want to go against the alliance's objective, would you? Bember.
**B****u****b****b****l****e**: Uh, no!
[*Lightning zaps Fanny.*]
**Fan****ny**: [*electrocuted*] I hate this! I hate this! Ah! Oh! I hate this! Ah! Ah, I hate this! I hate this, ah, ah!
[*Bubble cries as she looks at Match and Pencil, who have the most wicked grins on their faces. End flashback.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: And that's how I remembered you since! You know, I see your whole cast in a different light than I did before—even someone as bland and personality-free as David. But you, no matter how many episodes I've watched, no matter what language I've seen TPOT dubbed in, no matter which contestant's tell-all memoir I've read, I still can't shake off the idea that you're... still *that*. Even after twenty years, after moving all around the world, in and out of friends' houses, appearing in totally unrelated seasons, even after my hometown has been repopulated. For me, the you of now is still... the you of then.

[*Pencil looks at her, first in shock, then in disappointment.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: But twenty years! I'm sure you've done other things to take your mind off me!
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: [*looks up*] Maybe you do have a point. I've lived a long and full life of thousands of days, and I haven't even popped since BFB ended, and, and to be honest, on very few of the days I've been continuously alive have I ever actively thought about you and the time, you know... when we were all in an alliance. You've always been very low on the list of things I needed to take care of.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I reckon in this case I should take that as a compliment.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: I'm sorry. But I've moved on from my competition years, even though I do tend to be a bit inspoken.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Inspoken?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Like you, you're outspoken, you like to say what you think. But I'm the opposite. I think what I'm saying... but I never say it out loud. I've lived my whole continued life with nothing but my thoughts and I, I... [*weeps*] I just want someone to know exactly what I want from you!

[*Pencil scoots next to her, much concerned.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Then what do you want?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: I just want you to say sorry!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*sighs*] I'm sorry, Bubble. Like, I really am.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Then we're... we're one step ahead now. I forgive you, Pencil. [*half-embrace*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: You know... you mentioned Match's name, and I'm only saying this 'cos I can tell when my best friend's being mentioned, even from the other side of the country. This seems like the sort of thing you'd talk to her about too, since she was with us in the BFB days. Shall I get her for you?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: No, you don't have to! Match and I, we made up; we have what we in the business call "closure". We get on really well these days. In fact, I think I was the first to accept her invitation to her birthday party.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right. I didn't get the message until I was done changing Sonny's nappy and packing the other children's lunches but—
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: And it wasn't all *her* fault that she was so mean to me after you got eliminated. She only acted that way because she said she was standing in for you.

[*Silence.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Are you still like that, Pencil? Do you still control everything like back then?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Listen, I'll admit that I was *quite* unfriendly in BFB.

[*Beat.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, I was a graphite-hearted dictatress. It led me to break up with Pen—it ended the friendships between me and Bok; me and Icy; and me and you—and it sent me falling into Four's bosom earlier than anybody else in the series.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Uh-huh.
* **P****e****nci****l**: But I'm not like that any more. I can't afford to! Not only am I surrounded by teammates these days, I've also got a family. I'm back with my boyfriend. I've got children, most of whom I only found out about last year. And from the moment I leave the set, I might even ring my parents once every two days instead of three. At this very moment I am straddling the bridge between being a professional competitor and a career woman in this modern world. If I were the same as I was the last time I spoke to you and I didn't care one jot what anyone else wanted, I'd not get very far without the people I love turning against me... or at least writing strongly-worded letters to my face.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: So you're not a mean leader?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, I have to be a leader. It's not easy being someone like me, with the sort of life I lead. I should never want you in my go-go boots. I know the last time I said that I meant it literally 'cos we were shopping in Carnaby Street. But no, I try not to be a mean leader; I mean benevolence. It's the way I'm wired and that's the truth.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: You remember when the alliance went to London?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, when we were all together. Before I started doing what I do and you started doing what you do. But Bubble, I think you've got a bloody good life. You travel the world, you're independent, you're truly liberated, and for that I'm very happy for you.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Thank you, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: So... are we friends again? Like, officially?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Well, I'm just really glad that we got to talk. Even if it is the finale and your family's all waiting for you. I hope I haven't wasted your time—I'm sorry!
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, don't apologize! You know, I have wanted to get in touch with you myself, but I never knew what to say. But now we're here and... we've said!

[*Bubble smiles a bit.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Do you think we should start anew?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Let's try it.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: [*laughs*] Okay. Hoi, I'm Bubble, I'm from Yoyle Şehri, and I used to be a contestant in BFB!
* **P****e****nci****l**: No kidding! I was on that show too! I'm Pencil, once voted the Worst Object of 1969, but since then thoroughly reformed and pacified. Charmed to meet someone as lovely as you.

[*They look like they're about to shake hands, but they hug instead.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Oh, who are we kidding? We don't need to do this!
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's right! We are part of the most exclusive alliance in the industry. Friends we're now...
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Friends we'll always be!
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Cos we're girls—
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: And we're smart—
* **[** **B****u****b****b****l****e** · **P****e****nci****l** **]**: And we'll always be free!

[*They laugh and get up.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: How about I buy you dinner, introduce you to my kids?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: That'd be amoizing! I could go for some yoylecake.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And after all this thought-provoking talk, you know I could do with a drink.

[*Exeunt* **Bubble** *and* **Pencil** *into the steakhouse, in conversation.*]

#### Inside: Remote

[*Inside the Steakhouse,* **Remote** *has apparently returned from walking around the restaurant a few times. She pauses on the right, taking in the scenery around her: she knows* **Black Hole** *is there, but she is not quite sure where he is, even though her eyes have been the Death PACT table for a while (where* **Tree** *has fallen asleep in his seat). Also in this scene:* **Pencil** *and* **Bubble** *enter the building and quickly seat themselves at the table with Match and the former's children. Remote goes over to* **Golf Ball** *and her* **family**.]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: GB.
* **Golf Ball**: It's rude to talk with food in your mouth, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Then why are you doing it?
* **Golf Ball**: It's a habit.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Welcome, Remote! We're just finishing dinner, but we're glad you came.
* **Th****e****ol****a**: Congrats on getting the bronze!
* **A****m****a****n****d****a**: We're some of your biggest fans yet!

[*Golf Ball clears her throat.*]

* **A****m****a****n****d****a**: But we like Grandma more, heheh.
* **Treb****e****kka**: She is our grandmother, after all.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Thanks. But I wanted to know where Black Hole is.
* **Starletha**: Ha*ha*, ha*ha!*
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What's so funny?
* **Co****l****i****n**: Oh, you should have seen him. It was...
* **Starletha**: It was something you missed out on! I never seen a weirder-looking cat.
* **Chris Sr.**: You said you're looking for Black Hole? [*points at the table*] He's over there with some of your friends!

[*Remote sees Black Hole playing truth or truth with the others.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That him? The one with the weird, old-timey bellboy suit?
* **Golf Ball**: That's him. Does he not look like one of the New Kids on the Fop?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah, I don't really need your opinion on what he looks like, thank you.
* **Golf Ball**: Well, *suit* yourself. Ha, ha!

[*Everyone at the table begins to laugh, even Yxie.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*Aside.*] Maybe a few more seconds around will be enough.

[*Exit*.]

* **Golf Ball**: Yes! I did it! I made you all laugh, even the baby! Finally! Ha! Ha! Ha!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Careful, Geebs, with all this good fortune you might short out. /j

[*Everyone laughs again, but not as loudly.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Well, everyone laughed louder at my joke.
* **Cos****te****llo**: The way you said it was just so gnarly, Mrs. B!
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*at the next table*] And so, an ace comedian *did* make it in this world.
* **B****e****ll**: I do love a happy ending.
* **F****old****y**: Wait, there's more!

[*Foldy points to the Death PACT table, where* **Remote** *is approaching those sat (and half-floating) there.*]

##### Re-encounter: Remote and Black Hole

* **Pi****e**: So that's what you were doing while waiting for TPOT to start.
* **P****en**: You betcha!
* **Fan****ny**: I hate Italian romantic comedies!
* **Pherre**: Alright, Lightning, you're next.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Okay. I can't name every member of the national football team like I said I could. I'm not quite the macho jock I make myself out to be.
* **Fan****ny**: I mean, you weren't doing a well good job at it.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hi.

[*Everyone looks at Remote.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Is he asleep?
* **G****r****e****g****g**: Yeah, Tree's just taking a nap. He's old.
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Hi, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Good evening, my good sir. [*curtseys*]
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: Haha, "good sir"!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Black Hole, I would like to talk to you alone. There somewhere we can go without being disturbed?
* **P****en**: Sure! My dressing room's vacant; you can talk in there. Just don't mess up my mirror! [*giggles*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Don't worry, we won't cause damage by looking directly into it. /s Please excuse us.

[*Exeunt.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: It's no problem at all. Even though he hasn't told us anything which we did not know, we think he's... [*looks up and sees that they're gone*] ready.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: And yet, she never once commented on his look.
* **Fan****ny**: Oh, I've got a few comments on this new Black Hole. He looks like a—

[*Tree snores.*]

* **Pherre**: And you find that attractive, Gregg.

#### Green room: Black Hole and Remote

##### On stage

[*As* **Black Hole** *half-floats* **Remote** *over to the green room,* **Blocky** *(on stage) cheers Black Hole on.*]

* **Blocky**: You go get her, man!

[*The door closes.*]

* **Blocky**: Huh. Who'd have thought I'd be more invested in a relationship between folks I don't know than one of my best pals?
* **Eraser**: And who knew you were so into backstage gossip, eh? Ey, we still burning this place down if the goomah says no?
* **Blocky**: Nah, no way.
* **Eraser**: Good. I'm feeling lazy.
* **Blocky**: That's new. [*Beat.*] Not!

##### Green room: Confrontation

[*In the empty dressing room,* **Remote** *immediately sits down in Pen's chair and* **Black Hole** *stands behind her, still half-floating. As in the previous scene set here, this is filmed specially, that is, so that the mirror into which they look (rather than directly at each other) is always in the centre of the frame; and we only see the front of the two of them through the reflection, behind their backs in the real shot. During this scene, the sound of a microphone being moved from the centre of the stage to the door of the dressing room is heard, followed by the gradual fading-out of the conversations in the audience, suggesting a deal of eavesdropping.*]

* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Is this what you want?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: To be left alone with you when you're supposed to have a show in your honour? Yes, Black Hole, I want this so bad. /s

[*Black Hole tries to process this internally.*]

* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: [*Aside.*] Oof, I can actually hear the sarcasm this time.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I just need someone to talk to. This is big. Something that only we two would understand. I've actually decided to talk to you again just for this.
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: That's... a bit intense. But I don't mean to offend, really. By any chance, is this big thing, this thing that only we'd understand... [*gets serious*] Is it about death?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Did you not see Bottle die earlier this evening?
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: I saw her shards when I flew past you on my way here.

[*Black Hole outwardly contemplates with a tone that could be mistaken for irreverence.*]

* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Did Pillow kill her again?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: This is no laughing matter.
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: You're right. I was being serious.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It didn't scare me at first, but now that I've done my fair share of thinking while avoiding you, it's a scary thought.
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Like after you're watching a film and, when you go to get something from the fridge, and you realize how serious and disturbing the situation, is.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You must remember what this means, Black Hole. Now that Two has absolutely no way to recover anyone—and I don't think you can do it with your "remodelling"—Bottle is dead for good.
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Are you saying there's no way she'll be alive after today?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: The nearest Recovery Center's probably in a universe where I don't do as well.
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Well, you've certainly gained your confidence, I'll give you that.

[*Remote turns around to face Black Hole rather than look at him through the mirror.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Black Hole?
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Yes?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I'm scared. [*Pause.*] Can I hold your new arm?
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Of course you can; I, I don't think I'll be able to feel a thing.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I'd do it even if you could.

[*Remote holds onto Black Hole.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What if the same thing happens to me? Remember how in episode 1 Bottle and I were—
* **[** **R****e****m****ot****e** · **B****l****ack H****o****l****e** **]**: The only contestants to die.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And what if fate decides the same happens here?
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: You don't think your death will be caused, would you?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh, but I almost did. When we were speeding down the Two-o-o-o-o-o-o Expressway to get here— [*before he can react*] And before you say anything, we weren't in a car so it's socially acceptable.
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Mm-hmm.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And you're the only one I can talk to about it. Everyone else has either been too dismissive or got their own chiz on their mind to give me any... I guess validation, huh?
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: And, let me guess, they all expect you to be happy today because it's the finale.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*imitating Fanny (as best as she can)*] "Always a good time to set things straight."
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Oh, I've been getting that a lot. Everyone's too busy with other things to notice I'm not in better spirits.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Right, and when they do that...

[*Remote turns away.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: They all sound like you. Like the way you said you'd rather have a last name and your new look than... I'd rather not continue.
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Well, Remote, there's something I have to say to that.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Do go on. I'm waiting.

[*Black Hole sighs.*]

* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Look, Remote. I just wanted to apologize for the way I treated you, right after my victory. I had no respect for your feelings and all, because all I was thinking of was myself, and what I wanted. Or what I thought I wanted.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: To be fair, that *was* the only option Two offered. And look where it got you. [*indicates Black Hole's new look*]
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: Yes, but... now that I've realized what I did to you then and there, well, I don't think I want any of this new stuff.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You really mean that? What are you going to do?
* **B****l****ack H****o****l****e**: If you allow me, I'll show you. You may not like what I'm about to do, but this is how I really feel on the inside, and this is who I really want to be.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Go on.

##### Green room: Configuration

[*With an orchestrated version of the usual "chomping" sound effect, Black Hole slowly but surely sucks up his new face, limbs and attendant's costume. Remote stares at him in disbelief as he regains his gaseous accretion disc, once again in its usual blue and faint splashes of green and red.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*Aside.*] Sorry, Toronto opera thing.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*shocked*] I didn't know you were still allowed to do that. Physically, I mean.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm almost certain that when I took Two's powers, they were all turned to suckage.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So you're no longer this perfect idealized being... or your idea of one, anyway. And there'll never be a moment when I hear you say "I heard that" to something I whisper. But hey. You're a black hole again, man. Just like the last time I saw you.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And that's good enough for me.

[*Remote smiles a bit.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What do you say we get the H-E-C-K out of here?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You mean... [*points at the window*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Escaping does sound like a good idea (I like the idea of sneaking off to the library, and finding out more about your real history), but I was thinking we could take these last moments, which all of us contestants have together, slowly and quietly, and without a care. That's one of the things I want most tonight. I mean, it is the finale.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*as herself*] Always a good time to set things straight.

##### Green room: Confession

[*A comfortable silence, about one second long.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You said that if you could, we'd sneak out of here and go to the public library for my sake. You really that interested in my life?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Interested? I hate to brag, but as a black hole, I'm known for piquing interest. Comes with the position, really.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So you'd really help me find out where I'm from and all that?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Why would I not? We have gone from teammates, to pactmates, to co-workers, to best friends.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Are you kidding?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What did I say?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think we were best friends first.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You're right, again. If we're anything else, we'd better be co-adventurers on your journey to find yourself as well. In fact, if it makes you the happiest person on the planet, *and* in outer space, then I'm ready to be by your side all the way.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I'll never leave you again. Even if we have to go on yet another adventure.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Even if we have to go on another adventure, yes.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Even if we get involved in yet another game show?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, as long as we don't win that one.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: BH.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: As long as *I* don't win, I mean.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Then it's settled.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Settled, at last.

[*Remote holds onto where Black Hole's right arm used to be.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So we aren't just everything you said earlier, but we're co-adventurers too.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Plus life partners.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes, life partners.

[*Remote blushes, the first sign of a new red on her face since her creation.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: The way tonight's going, we might as well be man and wife. Or, as Pencil put it, wife and husband. We certainly act like that sometimes.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ha. Haha. *Ha.* Married, with children. What a funny thought.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ludicrous.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Absolutely.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Unbelievable.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: To the max.

[*There is now silence outside the dressing room.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, if anything, we're more like boyfriend and girlfriend.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Or more like—wait, what?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm saying, that it would almost be a believable idea, if we ended up dating each other, now that we're no longer seen as rivals for a prize.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*getting flustered*] But not, not an entirely unbelievable, I mean, believable idea.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah. I mean, heheh... are we, are we allowed to be like that? Neither of us, we feel that sort of attraction towards one another.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't think we have to.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But we're just so different.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: How so? I think now we got the most in common in the game, and if not, we have more in common today than ever before.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, but the, the fundamentals are still there. What if we end up, you know, incompatible, on account of our differences? You lived a life of seminary and a long "pre-vival" memory. I lived a life of madrasahs and British boarding schools. And then, there's the question of where we come from, where we go when we're not together on set.

[*Remote looks at Black Hole straight in the eye.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm from space, and you're, you're... [*faltering*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Still questioning my own origins, yes.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ah, you saved me there. But seriously, Remote. What if this doesn't work out? It's possible that *this*, as we know it, could end with us hating each other.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hate each other? We're a duo, even if we're not tacky enough to call ourselves that. Besides, like the other things in life... don't knock it till you try it. [*sighs*] This may sound a bit obvious, but of all the people in the world I've known since my hazy start, I think I have the strongest bond with you, Black Hole.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's true.

[*Beat.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I mean, not because of physical things. And the same would apply for me too, not just you. Sure, there's an adopted family I could go to back home, but it's not like I can see them all the time, with all the madness over there. You're the only one I can truly and honestly confide in, all the time.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You know, Black Hole...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: If my upgrade has served me well, it means that I believe, I really do believe that I can love someone as truly and honestly as he loves me.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*perks up a bit*] Love?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: To quote Two, I feel love. Actual, real love.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You mean the same love that some of the contestants feel? The kind that makes them... [*clears throat*] want to watch bowling together?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, no, I suspect this is different.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Good, 'cause I'm not really into that sort of thing myself. We may be in the minority again.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What I really want is just someone to spend all my days with. That's not too difficult to ask for, is it?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I don't think so. Well, now that we're no longer in a danger-filled competition, those days will be many.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You can really be positive at times, my friend. I don't know if you're going to be positive when I say this, though.

[*Remote looks down.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What is it? You can tell me anything, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think I love you.

[*Silence.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I know it probably goes against convention for me, of all people, to say this to you, of all people. But I love you, Black Hole.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*not quite processing it*] Oh, who cares for convention?

[*Black Hole sucks up the mirror, and for once we get to see them both in the actual scene, rather than through a mirror.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But didn't you hear me?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I did. Oh, Remote, I haven't been this happy since they released the "Telstar" record.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So, what do you think? I don't think I can wait.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm hearing you say it first, so, um, allow me to throw it back at you. I love you too, Remote.

[*Remote and Black Hole embrace as closely as possible without the former's being sucked in.*]

##### Green room: Congratulation

* **Everyone**: [*from behind the door*] *Awwww!*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hahah... We, we've been discovered.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Seems we captured a hell of an audience.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Would you like to stay in here a bit longer? I'm fine with either.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah, but... who knows. [*Beat.*] I just realized that we can't diss the people out there without them hearing us.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Come on, Remote, let's go out.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: In which sense?

[*Black Hole *smiles*.*]

#### Inside: Two and ensemble

[*View of the public area of the restaurant, where everyone seems to have been listening. The crowd cheer loudly as* **Remote** *and* **Black Hole** *(excited yet modest) take to the stage.* **Pen**, *on stage next to* **Profily** *and some other* **band members**, *sits down on the stool where Eraser (now sat at a table) was sitting and gives the now-couple a standing ovation.*]

* **P****en**: Alright, gang, let's hear it for our friends, the gold and the bronze, Mr. and Mrs.—
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*from the audience*] Ms.!
* **P****en**: *Ms.* Remote *and* *Mr.* Black Hole!

[*Thunderous applause.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: Ooh! Ooh! Tell us, is there anything you'd like to say to the audience?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Uh, yeah, sure. You guys can't see it, but my face now says "going steady".
* **T****V**: [*whispers*] A status update!

[*More applause as* **Remote** *and* **Black Hole** *leave the stage and sit down at the Death PACT table, where they are warmly welcomed by the rest of the group. Enter* **Two**, *unnoticed by most of the diners. They try to take the microphone out of Pen's hand.*]

* **Two**: [*finger-guns*] *Give me your mic!*
* **P****en**: You got it! [*surrenders*] But why didn't you take Profily's?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Because the two of us have a special relationship.
* **Two**: Yeah, we sound alike.
* **P****en**: Well, I can't deny that! [*laughs*]

[**Pen** *jumps off the stage and lands in the seat between* **Pencil** *and* **Bubble**, *among the other reuniting members of FreeSmart. (It's not that big a jump.)*]

* **P****en**: Hi!
* **B****o****k**: Oh! A man!

[*Bubble waves.*]

* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): You're in the audience now, Dad.
* **Nic****k****el**: Hey, look, people, it's Two!
* **Two**: Yeah, it's me!
* **P****ar****ty H****at**: [*from the back of the hall*] ♫ Hey Two! ♫
* **Gra****ssy**: I'm Grassy!

[*Two taps the microphone with the greatest ease, but its feedback does the same thing as before. Soni exspectati.*]

* **Two**: Sorry for that. Anyway... [*projecting their voice*] ***ATTENTION, HELLO!***

[*The crowd quiets down.*]

* **Two**: Your attention, pray.
* **Donut**: There's our host!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: We almost love you, Two!
* **Two**: Thank you, thank you, I've been working on it for years.

[*Laughter.*]

* **Two**: First of all, that was a really lovely moment earlier between our first and third placers. I was lucky enough to be behind the curtains with the band when I heard Black Hole and Remote *actually* declaring their love for each other. Who knew romance could blossom over 2,763 strides away from the TPOT set?
* **Fan****ny**: Even I don't hate that!
* **Gela****tin**: I mean, people've gotten married here; it's no big deal.

[**Four** *suddenly pokes his head out from behind the curtains.*]

* **Four**: Psst, the song! Do it while I'm gone; I just have to get something.
* **Two**: [*Aside.*] Er, yeah.

[*Exit* **Four**.]

* **Li****y**: Hey, was that Four?
* **Two**: No. Now—

[*Soft, instrumental music not unlike that from a contemporary sitcom.*]

* **Two**: To all the former contestants, their friends and family and lowly spectators: I hope you're all enjoying yourselves tonight. It's plain to see you're all still here after seventeen years, having a great time with food and such. You know, I've seen a lot of you contestants lately and I'm still amazed at how you're all able to keep such a happy face after everything you've been through. It's very special, if I do say so myself. I know for sure we've all had our disagreements over the years and we've had a lot of difficult moments.

[*View of the audience, transfixed and looking up at the stage in agreement.*]

* **Two**: But I wouldn't trade this kind of life for anything else in the universe. My true purpose on this planet is not yet known, but perhaps at the end of the day, we're all just doing our jobs, trying to win a prize that turned out to be non-existent. And nevertheless you persevered! I am so proud of you all, from the first eliminated to the first placer. You've come so far, and I know you're going to do amazing things in the future. So, to all of you, keep shining, keep pushing the boundaries and most importantly, keep yourselves in a fun-loving disposition. And let it always be remembered that the power of Two isn't just in two; it is in all of us. The power of Two is in all of us, indeed!

[*All applaud.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That, that makes sense.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We don't need your powers in order to be happy.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Because we've got each other.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: And that's apparently all that matters.
* **N****a****ily**: That was so moving, Two; even Bomby's crying!
* **Bom****by**: I have a short fuse when it comes to these things!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: That's highly impressive.
* **Puffball**: Ermahgerd, if this is our farewell speech, you did an amazing job!
* **Yellow Face**: Speak more, Two!
* **Two**: Right-o! Alright, everybody, you will all now feast your eyes and ears (those of us who still have them, that is)...

[*Everyone laughs, including Black Hole.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Man, this place is really turning to a comedy club, isn't it?
* **Two**: As I sing you this very special song that I have written all by myself in the last thirty minutes.
* **P****i****n**: Oh, no, Two, you don't have to do that!
* **C****a****ke**: We've been treated to so much singing that we don't really mind you just standing around here.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: This isn't exactly an Algebralien Broadway production.
* **Two**: So I don't have to sing for your approval?
* **Ar****esko**: Who said you have to?
* **Two**: Er...
* **Golf Ball**: No one!
* **Need****le**: In fact, I reckon we'd approve of you more if you didn't sing.
* **Two**: What I'm getting from this is that you approve of my staying on this planet. That's what you're saying, isn't it?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Why not? This Earth would be less colourful if you suddenly left us. [*turns around*] *How say you, chers convives? Do you all agree that Two should stay here?*
* **All**: ***Yeah!***
* **Two**: Well, I'll sing one note just because. ♫ *TwoOOOOOOO!* ♫

[*Everyone leans forward in their seats, expecting the theme song to play as it did in all the older episodes. But nothing comes from it.*]

* **Two**: Maybe I'll do it later. You know, for good measure.
* **Four**: There's no need to.

## Ending

#### Onstage ensemble

[**Two** *turns as soon as they hear* **Four**, *who, in a less than shocking manner, violently pulls down the curtain on stage...*]

* **Gela****tin**: Uh, you're going to have to pay for that, Four.

[*... to reveal himself and the members of the Asador Big Band watching, along with* **X**, **Nine** *and* **Seven**, *who have been trying to keep a low profile throughout. They stand in front of a large Algebralien-language newspaper, which stands upright, along with a few would-be members of the audience. Soni exspectati.*]

* **Li****y**: It *was* Four!
* **Four**: Hi, people!
* **Balloony**: I cannae believe this is happening.
* **Cloudy**: Didn't we rid ourselves of him a long time ago?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, but while the rest of you were indoors, about two-thirds of us were treated to an early blast from the past.
* **Baske****t****ball**: To think that we all used to be your contestants, Four!
* **Winner**: Well, not all of us.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*Aside.*] Thank goodness.
* **E****g****gy**: Now all we need is the pulsating cyborg box and we'll have a real party.
* **S****aw**: That'd be so hilar!
* **Two**: Oh, Four! What a welcome surprise!

[*Two and Four hug.*]

* **X**: Yaaaaaaaay!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Wow, I'm honestly surprised you're not angry.
* **Ko****s****r****ae**: I thought you guys were sworn enemies.
* **Two**: We were, long ago, as I'm sure you all know.
* **S****u****z****i****e**: [*Aside.*] Never mind, Don, *this* is the part they start singing.
* **Two**: But Four gave me a second chance to stay on Earth. I don't know what the verdict will be, because you didn't let me sing my song (and you know how much I love to sing, considering how often I've been in song in the presence of nobody else). I really don't know if he'll let me stay here, as our Interplanetary Travel Office is notorious for being one of the more stricter jurisdictions in the galaxy; but if he does, then it will be a most glorious thing, for which there is an extreme necessity that I need to be grateful for—
* **Four**: Shut up, Two, and let me speak. You can stay.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, *there's* the Four we remember.
* **St****a****py**: Sweet dreams are made of this.
* **Bracel****ety**: I love Four's intensity because *intensity* begins with an *I* and ends in *Y* just like one of the names of ***ICE CUBE!***
* **Two**: But wait, wait, wait. You're actually saying I can stay here, by your authority?
* **Four**: Of course. I have the ability to grant people that, you know.
* **G****at****y**: I told you! That's what happens when you're Cooitpoarotep.
* **Two**: [*realizing*] Well, if the truth of the matter *is* that I may stay on this planet and share it with the forty-nine wonderful people I've been Four-Two-nate enough to host... then I accept!

[*All cheer.*]

* **Two**: Forty-nine's a good number, right?
* **[** **Four** · **N****i****ne** **]**: That's right.
* **Seven**: It's got me squared!
* **Ar****esko**: Oh my gosh, Two's actually allowed to stay here on Earth?
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: The same planet where people aren't born with the ability to teleport whenever they want? Pshh, what a drag!
* **B****atter****y**: Shh!
* **P****en**: D'aww, I'm just so happy right now. I think I'm getting all choked up!

[*Pencil rubs his back, smiling.*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Oh my goish, that's so adorable, 'cause I think I want to do the same!
* **Ice Cube**: Yeah!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, this back's just for me to rub. /hj
* **Ma****tch**: This is what happiness does to a group, like, like this.
* **Two**: Then I declare that the remainder of this moment's happiness shall be used exclusively for the party I've decided to throw in your honour.
* **Four**: I see you've learned your finales from the masters.
* **Two**: Mm, I do owe a lot to the U.S.A. Announcer from Season 11.
* **Four**: [*serious*] I was talking about me. [*joyful again*] But good job!

[*Four pats Two on the head.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: [*imitating Four*] Pat, pat.
* **X**: Pat! Pat!
* **Eraser**: [*reclining in his seat with Blocky and Snowball*] This is so dope. I don't understand it at all, y'see, but it's so dope.

[*On stage.*]

* **Four**: Two, you're going to like something I'm about to do.
* **Two**: Ooh, am I going to meet my former hero, Negative Two?
* **Four**: I think you'll like this one a bit more. *Soeihiitsjiri kakoentooirihanoe!*

[*The newspaper at the back of the stage suddenly disappears, revealing* **Five** *behind it, holding one of those metal shopping baskets with some typical items inside it,* i.e.*, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, a stick of butter and a Cane Fonda aerobics workout tape on VHS.*]

* **Two**: ***FIVE!***

[*Soni exspectati; quiet chatter from the audience as Five looks around, much confused.*]

* **Five**: Where am I?
* **B****o****k**: [*in the audience*] That's Two's co-host. [*excited*] I was there when he proposed to them!
* **R****u****b****y**: Omg!
* **Five**: *Two!* I guess I'm the thing you were going to like! [*looks at basket*] I could have sworn I was shopping earlier. I didn't even ring these up at the checkout, haha!
* **Two**: How'd you get here?
* **Five**: I don't know, but... I'm your surprise.
* **Two**: Then, before I ask any questions that I don't want to know the answers to just yet, let us *imocossoutchissoï* like there's no tomorrow!
* **Five**: Yeah!

[*Two and Five embrace as the crowd gets filled with awe and a hint of tenderness.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh...
* **Lol****l****ipop**: That was so cool!
* **Fl****ow****er**: It was. Maybe I should join Season 12 like Gelatin and Teardrop!
* **T****a****c****o**: Yeah, well, you do live in an emotional desert devoid of heartwarming moments.
* **Lol****l****ipop**: And like they say, you can never be too old.

#### FreeSmart table

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): You know, I'm proud to be a part of it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What, an honorary member of FreeSmart like your father?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): I mean, to be a part of this very special reunion between Two and their co-host.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): And the last episode of one of the longest competition shows in history.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): That too.
* **R****h****oza**: Yeah, when we appear in TV history books, our faces will be on the cover.
* **P****en**: Just one more reason to sit up front, I say!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Gosh, they just look so happy up there!

[*Zira gestures towards the stage, where Two and Five have invited the others to join them in chanting.*]

* **Two**, **Four**, **X**, **Seven**, **N****i****ne**, **Five**: Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh—
* **Ditto** **w/****Pr****of****il****y**: ***MUH-MUH-MUH-MUH!***
* **Two**: No, no, no, you're not doing it in rhythm, Profily.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I suppose love *is* all around, innit?
* **P****en**: You bet. [*leans in and kisses her on the cheek*]

#### Death PACT table

* **T****r****e****e**: [*yawns*] Will we really be up until 2:00 in the morning?
* **Ma****r****ker**: Ooh, you heard that rumour too?
* **G****r****e****g****g**: Word goes around!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't know about you, but I'm ready to stay up all night.
* **Pill****ow**: So am I! [*immediately falls asleep*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I mean, it is a finale.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, a finale. [*yawns again*] The big four-eight.
* **Fan****ny**: And I suppose one can only describe this as... [*gestures to Remote*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Always a good time to set things straight!

[*All at the table gasp. Even Tree snaps to attention.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Did you just use an exclamation mark?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I did. I never thought I could do that!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Good job, Remote!

[*All gasp again, this time more loudly.*]

* **Pi****e**: You too, Black Hole?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, I've never thought of myself as a shouter, but, given the chaos I've been through in the last few hours, I suppose I've earned that ability.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh, my big ol' proclaimer.

[**Golf Ball**, *carrying a plate of half-eaten lobster bisque on her head, stops mid-walk and looks at the pact in surprise.*]

* **Golf Ball**: I can't believe it. Black Hole used an exclamation point too!
* **Nonexisty**: We're really reaching milestones today.
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: Quickly, Lightning, get your camera out!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, I suppose that's the sort of power I left this competition with; and if that's the power that I get from being in *The Power of Two*, then I'm satisfied.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: So you're not disappointed that you sucked up all of Two's seemingly innate powers and left the show with nothing in particular, now?
* **The rest**: Shut up, Lightning!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: All those things were bound to be sucked up into me. After all, I'm a full black hole, once again. So, in a cosmic way, all I need to be happy from this competition is to have you all here. To be surrounded by all my friends.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*sly smile*] And?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And especially you, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I'm special.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Couldn't have said it better myself.

[*He turns to* *face* *her directly, the camera focusing on them alone.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We will walk this world yoked in all exercise of noble end.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And so through these dark gates across the wild that no one knows.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Indeed, I love thee. Come.

[**Remote** *leans as close as she can to* **Black Hole**, *and the video ends with a freeze-frame of the two of them, while the following lines are spoken, off-screen, by* **Algebraliens**.]

* **Two**: And this has been—
* **Two**, **Four**, **X**, **Seven**, **N****i****ne**, **Five**: *The Power of TwoOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*Once again, this utterance is not followed by the theme song in full, but by a simple synthesized orchestral arrangement of its first four notes:* A3-D4-A4-F♯4. *Appearing on the screen in stylized text, as though handwritten, is the trilingual intertitle* **Ƙarshen • The End • Mwisho**. *Cut to black.*]

## Credits song

[*Two seconds of silence, perhaps with some light ambient noise or the echo of the word "Two" in the background, whereupon the credits begin to roll. The soundtrack is a parody of Don MacLean's "American Pie", set to new BFDI-related lyrics—the words were supposedly written in honour of the show's tenth anniversary on New Year's Day, 1972.*
*At the same time, the title of the series, The Power of Two, appears in the centre of the screen in large, similarly stylized letters. The text pans up to the full details of the credits, starting with Written by and followed by Audio, Music* etc. *Note that, as with other credits at the end of TPOT acts, the full credits for each episode in the act are shown, with little reference to those in previous acts.*
*As this happens, on the right-hand side of the credits screen are the images of every single character who appeared on the show, their moving images of their most memorable moments from the series framed within a Two-shaped silhouette (but whose outlines have been thickened to show them almost in full). They are in reverse order of significance for non-competitors and elimination order for the competitors; and this part of the credits sequence ends with Two, the clear protagonist. Next to their moving images are all of the people who, if applicable, have provided the characters with their voice(s). Their images appear and disappear in time with the music.*]

**Credits Song: Tenth Anniversary Special (My, My, What a BFDI)**

**Vocalist(s)**: ?

**?**: ♫ A long, long time ago—
Well, it's been ten years
And many people have been born since then—
A show came out of nothingness
And turned into a huge success,
The history of which I sing again.

The ten-year celebration's starting
With memories of strength through parting;
A decade full of growing,
Ten years of object show-ing.

The programme's not that famous, so
To enjoy it's seen as rather low,
But I think you should get to know
That first-born object show.

*Chorus:*
So my, my, here's to BFDI;
We'll be praisin' it for days on its anniversa*rye*,
We'll watch it even when the plots have gone dry
And for those who wonder, "Really, but why?"
This is just a good reason why.

In autumn of '61
Twenty objects changed their lives for fun,
For a show, competely new:
A speaker fell down from the sky
And told them they just had to try
To win a fancy island, plain and true.

So some teams were made, friendships as well,
But for those who lost, it felt like hell—
The crowded TLC
Became home to all but these three:

A tender gal who popped (that's how she dies)
And a flaming guy nobody thinks is wise,
An upright leaf who stole his prize
At the end of season 1.

That was the final*eye*, *eye* of old BFDI;
Yes, we're praisin' it for days on its anniversa*rye*,
Its contestants have a tendency to go by,
Saying, "This will be the day that I die,
This will be the day that I die."

Season 2, this started with a chase:
The leaf girl fled from the object race
To Yoyleland, her brand new home,
While the others stayed to compete once more
And the box grew stronger than before—
It was locked, which meant no time to roam.

While the inmates said their last goodbyes,
The vets and newbies hit the skies
With hosts in two or none,
Who sent them off to run.

In the winter months of '65,
When vans and puffballs went for a drive,
An ending they'd have to contrive
For BFDIA.

They were wondering, "Why, why, good ol' BFDI?"
Sure, we're praisin' it for days on its anniversa*rye*,
But all them players felt this need to know why
They sang, "This will be the day that I die,
This will be the day that I die."

Three years later, what could be much greater
Than getting news from the show's creator?
"Hey guys, BFDI is back!"
The comeback of old fans boomed
For where they left off they sure resumed,
Though the setting was a city way off track.

When September came, IDFB
Played like a sitcom on TV.
We all just wanted more, oh,
So they went off to explore.

By the next year, everyone's been freed
Gone off to their old lives, indeed—
Will they return to again succeed
In 1969?

So goes three seasons: my, my, that's just BFDI;
We've been praisin' it for days on its anniversa*rye*,
Them players filmed their day and left on a high,
Saying, "This will be the day that I die,
This will be the day that I die."

Oh, old contestants with a few more
That we have never met before—
The same goes for the sights and sounds.
Four and X from an old home video
Host 'em strange, even for this show.
(The way they do the game really confounds.)

'Cause what's with the EXIT and Four's screech?
Should sixty-four contestants preach?
Where have the old bonds gone
Where new ones have been drawn?

Still it's the biggest season of them all,
With many fans, both big and small.
The plush toys and merch may line your wall
If you know where they're from.

Yeah, they're coming sky-high from that BFDI
Which we're praisin' on the days of its anniversa*rye*,
Them players bore the screech and now they go by,
Saying, "This will be the day that I die,
This will be the day that I die."

And now, in 1972,
Four, the host, remains a number blue;
With co-host X, they're still in charge.
But the plant life's been burnt away,
Half the cast's not living to this day,
Yet the chance for us to see them's real large.

Though I don't doubt the future's fraught
And I feel like we're gonna lose a lot,
Let's give, on the contrary,
Thanks to Michael and to Cary.

For without them, there'd be no OSC,
Five hundred shows there would never be,
The creative spirit would surely flee
From folks like you and me.
'Cause we're inspired...

By, by good ol' BFDI,
So we're praisin' it for days on its anniversa*rye*,
Whose players have a tendency to go by,
Saying, "This will be the day that I die,
This will be the day that I die."

One more time now: My, my, long live BFDI,
We'll be praisin' it for days on its anniversa*rye*.
So happy ten years, dear Jacknjelli*fy*—
They'll hit ten more if you give 'em a try. ♫

[*Finally, after just over eight minutes, the song ends and the final credits roll, leaving the screen completely black once again.*]
Click **here** to continue to the next part (the epilogue).
## Deleted scenes (from the post-victory parts)

**Two**: Errrrrr...
**P****en**: [*pretending to hold a microphone*] Which prize will Black Hole choose: power or desire? Come back and find out what he'll choose after this message for you. See you in a second! [*waves at the camera*]
**R****h****oza**: [*to a stranger standing next to her*] That's my dad speaking! Feel bad for me! /j

* Snowball was to say this as a response to Two's comparing him (and the others huddled up) with penguins:

**Snowball**: Would that it were, O Twain one. I delight in pengwings.

* Black Hole was going to admit his crush on Remote earlier on in the episode. I decided to save the reveal for later.

**Lig****htni****ng**: Leaving you? It isn't as if you were in a committed relationsh— [*sees Tree staring daggers at him*] Shut up, Lightning, I know.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, no, you're right. Even though I wish you weren't.
**Lig****htni****ng**: What? Why?
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I guess I've had a little... thing for Remote. I don't know how to explain it, and I don't think any of you would get it, owing to how I am. This, and my victory, are all very new territory to me.

* Again with religious Leafy:

**Le****a****f****y**: Maybe we shouldn't be so harsh on the fellow. He does believe in God. And this is supposed to be a happy time!

* And this:

**Le****a****f****y**: And you can bet your Bible that where he goes, I'll follow.

* Yellow Face's Warehouse was originally going to be mentioned as being located in Sudan. It was moved to Sweden with the release of *Real TPOT*'s fifth episode.
* During the divergence scene:

**Ar****esko**: Wait, ostriches don't look like twos!
**G****at****y**: They do if you remove their legs.
**Ar****esko**: I never thought of it like that.
[*Beat. View of the ladder area: they're not even halfway down yet.*]
**Ar****esko**: Gee-wise, what a fun fact.

* I wanted Leafy to have another nickname for Firey other than the attested *Fireball* and *Fireman*. I settled for just his name until I realized that there was a film called *Firebrand* being released shortly after I wrote that bit.
* After Pencil said that it's a good thing Pillow was acting as Remote's bodyguard: (I wanted to give Pillow and Bottle more lines, especially right before the latter's death.)

**P****i****n**: Yeah, and besides, BFDI third placers either get involved in unchecked celebrity scandals or join separate seasons.* Black Hole and Winner, about Rosekigh. Winner would have shown off their German skills.

**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah. I figured she'd find a way to make things better, now that she's won a farm.
**Winner**: And not just any farm, but a *Landwirtschaftliche Produktionsgenossenschaft*.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Couldn't have said it better.

* I decided to change the character of Rosekigh completely. She is now Ann (who is not female, mind you, but male). This is one of the guest stars (along with Suzie and the guy who sings the credits song in the finale) who appears in the episode, and he comes all the way from that mid-1970s object show *The Waiting Room*. This is how the scene would have gone if I'd stuck with the Rosekigh character:

   * Ruby and Bok were going to have an extended storyline about how Ruby ended up liking Flower more than Bok. This was resolved as I felt there were too many plotlines going on. Not to mention how strange it would be to bring back a plotline from 1965 into the '90s. Here are two versions of the scene that I'd written down in my notes:

    * The car Four arrived in was originally going to be a 1984 Mercury Grand Marquis. I changed it to an Edsel because that's funnier.
* Pencil and Ice Cube were going to argue on what the sign at the back of the car was called after Bok said its name in Norwegian. This argument was changed and moved to be between Ice Cube and ~~Ruby~~ Fanny (concerning the name of a vegetated area on the side of the road), albeit at a later time in the finale.
* Four and his crew were going to introduce themselves as coming from the "Islamic Republic of the Equation Playground"... I was a bit tired—I didn't realize I typed that.
* Also from this introduction scene, removed for being a bit too long and adding hardly anything:

**N****i****ne**: Don't have a cow, Four. I'm just stating the hella obvious here, chh.
**Four**: And if this were *South Pacific*, I'd have thrown you off Bali Ha'i days ago. Now, can we introduce ourselves for emphasis or what?
**N****i****ne**: Oh, right.
**Seven**: Get with the programme, lovely!

* The Equation Playground was going to explode. I thought that would be another plot point that I'd have to explain, so I left the planet intact in the final version of the episode.
* Pencil's parents were going to make another appearance in the episode. This was planned in January; I didn't know how to write them into the episode at this point.
* Here were the original conditions of the Hini (first seen at the very start of the episode). I changed it—even though it was much more exciting—because there was already a lot going on.

    * The "Expressway Sextet" (then a quintet) were going to ramble on about nothing.

**B****o****k**: It's a vital.
**Ice Cube**: It's a necessary.
**R****u****b****y**: That's not unnecessary!
**Ice Cube**: A necessary, not unnecessary.
**R****u****b****y**: Huh?
**Ice Cube**: Unnecessary and a necessary are opposites. I meant *a* necessary as in "a necessary thing".
**R****e****m****ot****e**: *People.*
[*All turn to look at Remote and her sudden increase in volume.*]
**B****o****k**: Yeah?

* A deleted scene, set in the Alternative Forest, was to explain why Four and X moved to the Equation Playground. This was deleted after I wanted to change up the order of conversation and I forgot a plot point in the notes. Much of the dialogue was changed and moved to the stinger.

**Four**: [*thinking for a bit*] Yeah.
**Two**: Can I ask you a personal question, Four?
**Four**: Rising house prices.
**Two**: What?
**Four**: Oh, I thought you wanted to know why X and I moved back to the Equation Playground.
**Two**: What's I got to do... I mean, that makes sense, yeah. But I really wanted to ask you this.
**Four**: Ask what?
**Two**: Why did you say something about jealousy earlier?

* The reason for Five's disappearance was also going to be mentioned in detail according to the notes, but this was never put into dialogue format.

Two convinces Four that they are worthy of being on Earth, mentioning things like their co-host relationship with Five (clarifying that Five is allowed to be here because of their dual residency on Earth and the EP—“he was always very proactive when it came to those sorts of things”... too bad last time I heard from him he was stuck at his ad agency, so no time for a visit, says Two), the eradication of their anti-object prejudices and their near-completion of their Terrestrialization course.

* When Remote goes to Golf Ball's table:

**T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Remote, welcome! Did you come to sit in the Winner's Circle with us?
**R****e****m****ot****e**: No, I wanted to know where Black Hole is. Anyway, GB, you didn't win.
**Golf Ball**: So? Hundreds of alternate universes exist where I *did* win TPOT, and I think I feel a much closer affinity to them right now than I do to this one.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Spoken like a true winner. /s

* During the second truth or truth scene, Pen was going to mention that he played a supporting rôle in an Italian movie in 1972, where he played the genius best friend of the protagonist. This was replaced by Lightning's football-related confession... The movie thing is still canon; it just isn't mentioned in the episode.
* During the Black Hole–Remote reconciliation scene:

**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm the biggest opponent of bragging since Ethel Merman re-recorded "Anything You Can Do".

* Two was actually going to sing a song in full instead of being completely interrupted by all their ex-contestants. It was going to be a parody of the then nine-year-old Eurovision song "Love Enough for Two". This was scrapped due to time and space constraints, not to mention the presence of the other songs in the episode; and the ending scene was changed so that Two was accepted unconditionally instead. (A more effective ending, in the author's opinion!)
	+ They were alternatively going to sing the TPOT theme song, but with words. I didn't think any of the versions I wrote (and subsequently deleted before they could end up on the page dedicated to deleted songs) were good enough for the episode proper, so I skipped the song and replaced it with a rather lengthy speech of thanks.
* In the direct pre-credits scene, Teardrop was going to be holding the lobster bisque, not Golf Ball. (This would have ruined her final appearance as originally written.)
* The absolute last scene before the credits was, in its first iteration, written to be slightly more comedic than the scene presented in the episode. Ultimately, I found Golf Ball's sudden appearance in this scene and the "Blackmote" duo's reactions to her to be unnecessarily annoying, so I downgraded her to "bystander holding lobster bisque and commenting on the unexpectedness of the situation". I decided to follow in the footsteps of previous finales and "up the drama", so to speak, by having the final pieces of dialogue come directly from a classic poem. This is the more "comic" ending that I advised myself against writing:

**R****e****m****ot****e**: [*sly smile*] And?
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And especially you, Remote. Together, we'll go far.
[*Suddenly*, **Golf Ball** *pops up between the two.*]
**Golf Ball**: *And me! Ha! Ha!*
**[** **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e** · **R****e****m****ot****e** **]**: Oh, Golf Ball! [*I told you it was going to be annoying.*]
[*In the background, Lightning takes the photo of the three finalists, and the camera lingers on the shot as the text "Black Hole #1", "Golf Ball #2" and "Remote #3" begin to appear on the screen, as if handwritten.*]

* Cary and Michael (and perhaps Satomi and Pokey) were going to make a long speech in the credits scene. I ultimately decided against it and went with the song instead, even though the most likely course of action for a finale in *Real TPOT* would be the presence of every single person who had made the show happen. Unfortunately, this means that the only episodes in which they physically appeared are in the middle of the season.

## Notes

1. ↑ This scene (specifically the part that starts with Bubble and Pencil alone) is about 45% longer than the TPOT 36 scene where Pencil and Pen make up. I must be doing something right.
2. ↑ Oddly enough, Blocky does know Remote from two seasons, although they have never spoken directly to each other.
3. ↑ Fun fact: This scene up till now, at least in the notes, was written in just 396 characters.
4. ↑ ... despite the fact that Golf Ball is ace too.
5. ↑ All of those who *can* say, of course.
6. ↑ In keeping with the tradition of previous series finales, the final shot before the credits will show the series finalists "minus one". Although I suspect that if this is actually animated, Golf Ball will have a very small cameo in the background, looking on.
7. ↑ I don't think big television productions do this, at least not as often as they do with curtain calls on stage. Many films list the cast in the order in which they appear, which seems a bit more fair.
8. ↑ It's pronounced /əˌnɪvərsəˈraɪ/ *a-NIV-er-sa-RYE*. A bit like *caravansarai*, but not as pretty.
9. ↑ Should have been "off-screen".

**Fake TPOT** [V]