Doughlympics: Dunkin’ Donuts v. McDonald’s v. Starbucks with Sean O’Connor

"Doughlympics: Dunkin’ Donuts v. McDonald’s v. Starbucks with Sean O’Connor" is Episode 66 of *Doughboys*, hosted by Mike Mitchell and Nick Wiger. "Doughlympics: Dunkin’ Donuts v. McDonald’s v. Starbucks with Sean O’Connor" was released on August 18, 2016.

## Synopsis

A coffee battle boils over in a melee between the three biggest java chains with this week's guest, comedian and *Late Late Show* writer Sean O'Connor. Chairman Evan Susser opens the show with a bombshell, prompting intern Yusong Liu into action. Plus: the debut of the International House of Hot Takes.

## Nick's intro

In July 1980, the simmering Cold War between the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. reached its symbolic nadir as the International Olympic Committee's awarding of the Games to Moscow inspired an American-led boycott of the competition. With 65 countries refusing to participate, due to the ongoing Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, the competition was a shell of its normal self with most of the elite athletes sidelined.

At the Closing Ceremonies, a jumbo-sized idol of Misha, the Games' grizzly-bear mascot, was rigged by helium balloons and untethered to ascend out of the stadium and high into the night sky as a weeping crowd saluted and waved; a surreal end to a sham games waged under a totalitarian state.

And today, as the sun sets on a similarly disastrous **2016 Doughlympics**, we turn to the beverage associated with the sunrise, the morning, a new beginning, and hopefully, a brighter future: the warm drink made from roasted beans native to tropical Africa that became a global sensation.

The combatants? A triad of behemoths which comprise of the three biggest coffee retailers in the U.S., selling a combined 750 million dollars worth of hot brown annually and ranking as the first-, third-, and seventh-biggest chains in America respectively: McDonald's, the Golden Arches that's shorthand for U.S. food culture; Starbucks, the ubiquitous Seattle-based coffee house that took its name from the chief mate in *Moby Dick*; and Dunkin' Donuts, the pride of decrepit cesspool and more-rundown version of Lowell known as Quincy, Massachusetts.

This week on *Doughboys*: the third and final week of the **2016 Doughlympic Susser Games**: Coffee Division.

## A Statement from The Chairman

First up, a statement from Chairman Susser, who is in Pittsburgh, and makes a bombshell announcement:

The criticisms of the Doughlympics Susser Games have been deafening. Complaints ranging from the fundamental premise, heavy reliance on doing math, unnecessary time limits, and of course, the fry-counting segments have flooded the Doughlympics Committee's inbox.

While I believe some of these criticisms to be fair and some unfair, I am nevertheless taking action.

Effective immediately, I am stepping down as Chairman of the Doughlympics Committee. I am appointing Doughboys Intern, Yusong, as Interim Commissioner until the Committee can appoint a new one. It is my great hope that this change in leadership will result in a better, more satisfying Doughlympics.

Finally, as a final point of clarification, while I am stepping down as Doughlympics Chairman, I am not stepping down as Commissioner of the Tournament of Chompions, or being in charge of any future bullshit we decide to do on the podcast.*

## Doughlympics Rules

For each category, The Doughboys attempt to get as close to the same order as possible from each place.

Susser times the discussions, and each item is then rated on a scale of 0.0 - 6.0.

They also give each contestant a national anthem:

 Starbucks | Stu Phillips "Battlestar Galactica Theme"

## Sweet Pastry Event 🍩

First up was the Sweet Pastry Event. The Doughboys had a Glazed Donut and a Chocolate Glazed Donut from Dunkin', a McDonald's Apple Pie, and an Apple Fritter and a Glazed Doughnut from Starbucks.

O'Connor initially gave McDonald's a 6.0, but upon hearing Justin Timberlake's "I'm Lovin' It" as the winning anthem, he promptly deducts 3 points, and so Dunkin' steals the gold away.

 Mike Mitchell
 Sean O'Connor

## Ice-Blended Mocha Event 🧊☕

The Ice-Blended Mocha Event came next. From Dunkin', the Doughboys had a Dunkaccino Frozen Drink; McDonald's, a McCafé Mocha Frappé; and Starbucks, a Mocha Frappuccino Blended Beverage.

The Dunkaccino let down everyone down, and perhaps wasn't the best rep of an ice-blended mocha from Dunkin'. O'Connor initially gives McDonald's a 5.1, but upon hearing Justin Timberlake's "I'm Lovin' It" as the winning anthem, he promptly deducts 3 points and so Dunkin' steals the gold away.

 Mike Mitchell
 Sean O'Connor

## Breakfast Sandwich Event 🥯

Third, the Doughboys look at breakfast sandwiches, for which they grab the Bacon Egg & Cheese Croissant from Dunkin', an Egg McMuffin from McDonald's, and a Bacon, Gouda & Egg Sandwich from Starbucks.

 Mike Mitchell
 Sean O'Connor

## Coffee Event ☕

Lastly, the main event: hot brown. The Doughboys got a small black coffee from each chain.

 Mike Mitchell
 Sean O'Connor

## 2016 International House Of Hot Takes

For this segment, The Doughboys hold a fantasy draft of international dishes, choosing their favorite international foods (to note, Mitch opted for a bunch of American ones).

Sean picked first, Mitch second, and then they went snake-style after that.

 6. ramen 🍜
 7. fish and chips 🍤
 12. pasta 🍝
 13. pork schnitzel 🐖

## #hashtags

* #GrandSlam vs. #DennysGrandSlam
* #WigersWinnersAgain vs. #PanAsianConfusion vs. #TeamUSA

## The Feedbag

 Mike Mitchell
 Sean O'Connor

## Plugs and Drops and Themes

 * *South Park*
* *Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves*
* *American Pie 2*
* *Star Wars: The Force Awakens*
* *Zodiac*
* (probably more)
 Justin Timberlake "I'm Lovin' It"
 Dropkicks Murphy "I'm Shippin' Up To Boston"
 Stu Phillips "Battlestar Galactica Theme"

## Related Episodes

* MINI. Doughlympic Opening Ceremonies
* 64. Pizza Division
* AD1. After Dough with Joe 1
* 65. Mexican Division
* AD2. After Dough with Joe 2
* 66. **Coffee Division**
* AD3. After Dough with Joe 3
* DD. The Doughlympic Winter Games
* DD. 2020 Doughlympics
* 114. Dunkin' Donuts
* DD. Lakewood, California
* 275. Dunkin' 2
* THON21. Doughathon
* 350. D'Angelo
* SP5. Pumpkin Spice

* 66. Doughlympics: Coffee Division
* 89. Mac To-Fight
* 91. Chicken Fight: Small Pieces
* 95. Chicken Fight: Semisoft Finals
* DD4. Chicken Fight: Fat Chance Kitchen Finals
* 100. Nugget Power Hour
* DD26. Malcolm McDonald's
* 119. KFC (The Leftovers)
* 148. Coco's (Quiz)
* DD. Ba Da Ba Ba Bah
* 161. IHOb
* 164. Panera Bread (Drank or Stank)
* DD. Irish Whiskey and American McRibs
* 184. McDonald's (breakfast)
* 192. Native Foods (Breaking Chews)
* DD. From Sea to Shining McD
* DD. Mac Attack: Supersize Tuesday
* 241. Mac Attack: Round of 64
* DD. Mac Attack: Round of 32 (Part 1)
* 242. Mac Attack: Round of 32 (Part 2)
* DD. Mac Attack: Eat 16
* 243. Mac Attack: Elite 8
* DD. Mac Attack: Fat Chance Kitchen
* 244. Mac Attack: Finale
* DD. Pie Noon: Shake-Off and Bake-Off
* DD. Pie Noon: Shaken, Not Stirred Region
* THON21. Doughathon
* DD. The Band of Tomorrow
* 329. McPlant
* DD. Red, White, and Purple
* 66. Doughlympics: Coffee Division
* 106. The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf (score revision)
* 130. Dick's Drive-In (Wiger Challenge)
* 160. Norms (Drank or Stank)
* 194. Mouth of the Border: Semifinals One (Breaking Chews)
* 210. Starbucks Reserve

## Photos (via @doughboyspod)

Dunkin' Donuts Doughlympics OrderMcDonald's Doughlympics OrderStarbucks Doughlympics Order