Reed Deed Reedemption / Script

***Reed Deed Reedemption***

### Scene 1

*The scene opens with Reedman (Daniel Bruhl) standing behind a desk with a seated man (Adam Beach) next to him. They are presently inside a darkly lit room where only the table resides and across from the table is a set of tall, large podiums; three are present. Three figures are each seated and are not visible.*

*Text displaying the location of the scene appears on screen in bold white letters; **CWAC HQ**. (Center for World Affairs Control).*

Reed: My client, Dylan Best, has clearly done nothing that would resort to this kind of punishment.

Unidentified Man (Tom Selleck): There are plenty of logged accounts that Dylan has violated the law multiple times and was responsible for the egregious crimes commited by his silly band of trolls...

Reed: Chief Commisoner Wuher, might I remind you of Article 211, Section 245? Those logs are simply not enough evidence to convict Dylan to Global Banishment.

Unidentified Female (Phyllis Smith): Mr. Reedman, if that were the case, we would not be having this meeting. But as it turns out...

*A man on the floor level with Reed and Dylan approaches from the shadows.*

Cod4 (Jack Coleman): There was a witness who came forward.

Dylan: Cod4...

*Cod4 acknowledges Dylan and nods to him calmly.*

Cod4: Dylan.

Reed: And does this witness present themself here to testify?

Unidentified Man #2 (Michael Fassbender): They have; but they wish for their identity to be secret.

Dylan (whispered): Dirty rat...

Reed: Very well. The defense recognizes this.

Wuher: Bring him in.

*Cod4 walks off screen. As he goes to fetch the witness, Reed and Dylan converse quietly.*

Reed: This is not good.

Dylan: You don't have to say that again; one of our own is ratting me out...

*A silhouetted figure approaches a much smaller podium on the ground floor.*

Cod4: You've already submitted your statement to CWAC authorities, but we would like you to reiterate in front of the council of Dylan Best's crimes.

Silhouette (voice is modified, so they are unrecognizable): Dylan had formed an alliance with other undesirables and crafted the Brotherhood. It was an organization specifically designed to take down those in power and conquer neighboring lands, so they in turn could profit and establish power.

Dylan: That's BS.

Wuher: Please don't interupt.

Silhouette: As I've mentioned, Dylan planned to invade other lands and groups, but eventually it was the VSTF who stopped him before anything got out of hand.

Cod4: And was there any casualties?

Silhouette: Many. But for Dylan and the others; they were necessary.

Cod4: Thank you.

*Silhouette nods and walks offscreen.*

Cod4: In light of the evidence and the witness coming forward, the council had previously listed a Global Ban as his punishment.

Reed: I object! A Global Ban is far too much for a punishment over something such as this!

Unidentified Female: Your reasoning?

Reed: Dylan's crimes may be punishable, but a Global Ban could KILL HIM. All this evidence is substantial enough to guarantee a temporary ban at best.

Unidentified Man #2: Are you suggesting a temporary banishment for a man who has tried to overthrow the government by starting a gang war all for his amusement?

Reed: I'm motioning a temp ban because while the evidence holds up, there isn't enough to risk his life with a global ban. We don't know who this witness really is; for all we know they could be plotting to get Dylan killed. And these logs are, as I've said, not accountable enough to incriminate him under Article 211.

Cod4: Does the council recognize Mr. Reedman's arguement?

*The council leans close together and begins whispering; then finally they all nod in unison.*

Wuher: The council does recognize Reed's argument and has made it's decision.

Unidentified Woman: The council has made the decision that the punishment will be a temporary ban of sixty years.

Dylan: SIXTY YEARS?!

*Dylan stands up from his seat in a fit of rage.*

Reed: Dylan, sit down. This is a good thing. We can undo a temporary ban, but a Global Ban is infinite.

*Cod4 turns to the council and looks to the left podium.*

Cod4: Very well; Chief Commissioner Wuher, what say you?

Wuher: Guilty.

Cod4 nods and faces the right podium (Unidentified Man #2).

Cod4: Disctrict Attorney Altaïr, what say you?

Altaïr: Guilty.

*Cod4 nods and faces the middle podium (Unidentified Woman).*

Cod4: And lastly, Madame Director Sannse of Community Affairs, what say you?

Sannse: Guilty.

Cod4: Then it is settled. Dylan is temporarily banished from our great nation for a total of sixty years for his crimes.

*Dylan slouches back down into his seat, in disbelief as the sound of a gavel slamming is heard.*

Reed: I'm sorry, Dylan. I did what I could. The Brotherhood and I are going to try our absolute best to lift your ban and-

Dylan: Don't even bother.

*Reed stops to listen.*

Dylan: The Brotherhood has a mole and they'll do their hardest to keep me down. Our best chance is finding the poor fucker who decided to rat me out and putting a bullet between his eyes. Then we can talk about getting me back.

Reed: (sighs) Very well, I'll notify the Brotherhood of your wish.

Dylan: Good.

Reed: I can't make any promises this will go how we want.

Dylan: Oh, I'm betting on it...

*Dylan sits in his seat, staring at the camera as two guards appear walking behind him, coming to take him away. Scene cuts to black.*

### Scene 2

***\*3 Years Later\****

*Fragments of Time by Daft Punk plays as the scene opens to a record spinning in an apartment complex. Reedman appears walking across his living room to go into his bathroom. He grabs a comb and begins combing his hair. He makes his final touches and puts on his glasses. He walks out of the bathroom and goes to a briefcase sitting on his kitchen island. He picks it up and takes it with him, leaving the apartment.*

*We next see Reed getting into his Desert Tan colored 2014 Nissan Pathfinder (not sure why so specific). He drives down the streets of the city. He pulls into a lot where a building sign reads **Reedman Law Office** as the song fades out. Reed exits the vehicle and enters the building. Walking his way to an elevator, his associate Cod (Zach Gallifianakis) quickly paces towards him.*

Cod: Reed! Reed!

Reed: What Cod?

Cod: Reed, I had just been thinking, maybe changing the sign to say *The Law Offices of Cod & Reed.* Sounds better, right? I think it rolls off the tongue more.

Reed: For the last time Cod, no we are not doing that. I started this business from the ground up and have been managing most of the resources that keep this company afloat; and no offense by the way, but your last stunt of sleeping with our previous secretary was a little embarrassing.

Cod: What? Me and Lunie? Oh, that was nothing!

Reed: You left a condom on my desk and a rubber duck. I had to throw the desk out and buy a whole new one...

*Reed and Cod walk inside the elevator before it closes. The Wii Shopping Channel Music can be heard playing on the elevator radio.*

Cod: Yeah but she was really begging for it though, Reed. Best sex of my life.

Reed: I really liked that desk, Cod.

Cod: I don't know why you fired her.

Reed: Cod, you're not even listening to me.

Cod: I mean, she wasn't a great worker and all, but man was she reaaaaally HOT!

Reed: Cod.

Cod: And I mean, come on, did you see her-

Reed: COD!

Cod: What?

Reed: Do you have the files on the Radum case?

*Cod fumbles through the files he has under his arm and pulls out a file stacked with paperwork.*

Cod: Yeah, here. Jeez, you don't have to be such an ass about it.

Reed: Thank youuuuuu.

*Reedman grabs the file from Cod and opens it up to have a look. The door of the elevator opens up and he walks out of it with Cod following him.*

Cod: Ya know, I've also been thinking...

Reed: That sounds dangerous. You really shouldn't do that.

Cod: We should set up a gaming room, maybe move your office and put an Xbox in there to relieve stress.

Reed: After what you did in my office, I'm starting to think moving out is a good choice.

Cod: Okay, good. I'm glad we're on the same page...

*Reed walks over to his vehicle, but Cod stops him.*

Cod: Let’s take my car...

*Cod leaps into his cherry red convertible, with Reed sighing and getting into the passenger side, opening the door unlike Cod. Cod blasts his radio, playing the beginning to Hotel California by Eagles.*

They drive along the road as the music blasts from the car, with Reed opening the file and reading some of it.

Reed: Well, this is going to be a tough one...

Cut to Reed and Cod in court, sitting at the defense table. Across them at the prosecution table sits Altäir who is on his phone, playing solitaire. Reedman looks at his watch.

Reed: Where the hell is he?

Altäir sighs and places down his phone gently. He gets up and addresses Judge Peltarius (James Spader).

Altäir: Your honor, we’ve waited long enough. It’s clear that the defendant isn’t going to be coming to his own trial. May we proceed? Or must we wait for another-

Suddenly, the courtroom doors swing open and in comes Axrik (James Franco) with Knight (Ken Jeong) and Bane (Harrison Ford).

Axrik: Sorry I’m late your excellency, we stopped for a Big Mac on the way here.

Bane: You weren’t su-

Knight: pposed to say an-

Bane: ything abou-

Knight: t that.

Axrik: These lovebirds bought two sprites and shared a large fry.

Bane: Why we-

Knight: oughta!

Bane and Knight raise their batons to smack Axrik but Pelt slams his gavel over and over again.

Pelt: That’s enough, that’s enough. Thank you gentleman, you can both take a seat and... enjoy your large fry or what have you.

Bane and Knight turn around and sit in the audience.

Pelt: Alright, now we can begin. The case of Blast Radum vs Slenderville Penitentiary is now in session.

Reed: Your honor, I’d ask the court to recognize that Mr. Radum’s eligibility for parole is on the table and with his record of good behavior within the confines for the prison system, we’d like to motion for Mr. Blast Radum to be released on parole.

Altäir: Objection, your honor; the entire point of the case is null, letting Mr. Radum loose onto the streets would only certainly cause chaos.

Axrik: Oh come on, I’ve been a good boy.

Altäir: I would like to submit exhibit A.

Altäir shoves a file filled with papers, to which Bane gets up and hands it to Pelt.

Altäir: Within that file is insurmountable proof that Axrik escaped wikia custody with the assistance of one Adam Heart.

Reed: This was an entirely separate situation involving Adam Heart’s attack on the police station.

Altäir: Oh, I’d beg to differ - in fact, it seems that before Adam Heart and the War Eagle’s arrival - another group forced their way into the station.

Altäir slaps some photos on the defense desk, showing the images of Price (Milo Ventimiglia), Jay (Tim Blake Nelson) and Jeulin (Alex Lawther). Reed is taken aback by the photos, seeing the old friends he hasn’t since seen.

Altäir: That’s right Reed, your old buddies went to visit Axrik that day.

Reed turns to Axrik.

Reed: Why didn’t you tell me about this?

Axrik: Didn’t I? It must have slipped my mind. \*troll face\*

Reed turns back around to face Altäir.

Reed: Why wasn’t the defense shared this evidence?

Altäir: Because it’s personal to you; and quite frankly I’m not so sure you don’t have a hand in this yourself...

Reed: I can certainly MAKE IT personal...

Pelt: Watch it, gentleman...

Reed: Whether or not Price Rocks, Jay Jay Johnson and Just Jeulin were in the station, they were not the ones to release Mr. Radum, to which THAT has insurmountable proof.

Altäir: That being said, the evidence is quite clear indeed that Axrik WAS broken out of prison.

Reed: By an attack of the police station! Do you really expect my client to sit there as gang members fire RPGs and tear down it’s walls?

Altäir: As soon as he left the property, he was fleeing his sentence.

Reed: He never LEFT the property, he left the building, to which he was quickly apprehended anyways.

**Flashback of Axrik’s escape**

Axrik does a backflip, landing his chair directly on top of Adam (John Goodman).

Axrik: You cut me out of this or I use your teeth.

Adam hastily pulls out his knife, obviously in pain, and cuts the ropes binding Axrik. Axrik gets up and then does a cannonball onto the chair.

Adam: AHHHOFFFFFF......

Adam passes out. Axrik walks off, as the song “How You Like Me Now” by The Heavy begins to play. As he makes his way out of the large hole in the wall of the police station, he adjusts his tie with a smug smirk.

Axrik: Fucking noobs.

Suddenly Axrik is swarmed and tackled by various guards and police officers.

Sgt. Green Wizard (Liam Neeson): GET HIM MEN GET HIM! TACKLE THE FUCKER, GET ON TOP OF HIM, LONG LIVE THE WAR EAGLE!

**flashback ends and we’re back in the court room**

Axrik: Not my finest moment...

Pelt: Clearly there’s an incredibly complicated situation here and based on the evidence, I think it’s quite unfair to deny the motion, considering the events. I’ll allow for about three years of parole, but we can reconvene again once Mr. Radum has been released and placed on the parole system for a bit.

Altäir: But your honor...

Pelt: That’s my final decision.

Peltarius slams his gavel.

Pelt: Court adjourned.

Axrik gets up from his seat as Bane and Knight walk over to take him back. Reedman grabs Axrik by the arm, stopping him from leaving.

Reed: Why didn’t you mention Price and the others visiting you?

Axrik: We don’t kiss and tell in my line of work.

Reed: But you certainly know more than you let on, Axrik. You can’t fool me about that. I know people.

Axrik: Let’s get one thing straight Reed; You work for me because you need money to keep things afloat for yourself. Now don’t worry your pretty little head about the details that went down that day and keep up the good work, huh?

Axrik winks at him and lets Bane and Knight drag him off, but stops and turns once more back to Reed.

Axrik: Oh, and uh, say hi to Crit for me.

Reed watches as Axrik walks away with Bane and Knight, smiling with his smug expression.

Reed: Say hi to Crit for me...?

Suddenly Cod, who’s snoring, snaps his attention awake.

Cod: HUH?! WHA-? Is it over?

### Scene 3

Reedman and Cod are back at their law office, where Reed is vigorously searching through files.

Reed: Crit... Crit... Now why would he say that?

Cod: Is this it?

Cod holds up a file and hands it to Reed.

Reed: Ugh, no that’s the Freddo v Best case. That one was a mess.

Cod: Well, what is it that you’re looking for?

Reed: It’s a really old case, way way back. Ryu v Critikal.

Reed continues to shuffle through more files as Cod does so as well.

Cod: Oh here it is!

Reed looks up but Cod is merely holding a playbrony magazine.

Cod: What?

Reed: What the fuck did I say about that shit? Get it outta here.

Cod: Don’t act like you haven’t seen it before.

Cod shoves the whole magazine down his pants to conceal it.

Reed: It killed a lot of brain cells, that’s for sure... Aha!

Reed picks up the file, flipping it open.

Reed: Right here; Crit’s address.

Cod: The hell do we need that for? He’s been gone for years, we don’t even know if he’s still over there.

Reed: Well we have to try; Axrik was being extremely cryptic about the whole thing and- fuck Cod, I said get that shit outta here!

Cod is shown with a whole centerfold of a cartoon pony on it, with his tongue out.

Reed: That pony shit is disgusting.

Reed walks out of the office with Cod following behind, who grabs some lotion and tissues to bring along with him.

Reed is shown sitting in the passenger seat as Cod is driving. Cod is speeding down the road, blasting an annoying song that Reed tries ignore.

Reed: You probably shouldn’t be going so fast, Cod...

Cod: You said you needed to get to Crit’s house!

Reed: Yeah but still - at least follow the laws of -

Cod: I DO WHAT I WANT!

Cod slams on the gas pedal, speeding down the street, but a siren’s glare behind them catches their attention.

Cod: OH FUCK

Reed: Deja vu.

Cod: I’ve just been in this place before, higher on the street and I know it’s my time to go.

Reed: Please, shut up.

Cod: Only because you said please. <3

Sgt. Green Wizard walks up to the car, part of his face is now visibly scarred by burns.

Green: Driving a little fast today, aren’t we gentleman?

Cod: You know I’m Native American, right? I don’t deserve this bullshit!

Green: What does this have anything do with-

Cod: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS PUTTING ME DOWN, HUH?

Green: Calm the fuck down, man. Good Lord.

Cod: I have done NOTHING wrong!

Green: You were driving 90 in a 25, you almost hit that little kid over there!

Reed and Cod turn back to see Goji (Davis Cleaveland) on the ground, crying.

Cod: I’ll have you know I’m a proud Iroquois descendant!

Reed: You’re not even an eighth Native American.

Cod: SHUT THE FUCK UP REED, YES I AM!

Green: I’m giving you a ticket.

Green writes it out for Cod and walks off back to his police car. Cod speeds off and heads towards the address as Green watches them carefully.

Cod: Who even gives a shit! Crit abandoned us. He got himself into all sorts of trouble, why should we see his crazy ass!

Reed: Because Axrik is up to something and I have a feeling it’s a lot deeper than we anticipated.

Cod: That’s what she said.

Reed: Besides... how bad can it be for Crit?

Reed and Cod pull up to the address listed, which is a shitty dilapidated haunted looking house.

Cod: You were saying?

Reed: Well this can’t be right... I mean... can it?

Cod: You do realize this is the same Critikal who snorted cocaine off of a horse’s back, right?

Reed: Did he really do that?

Cod: That’s what they say.

Reed: Doesn’t matter, we gotta check it out.

Cod: Great...

Reed: Think of it as a wellness check or something. We can just say we thought he was snorting cocaine off a horse’s ass or whatever.

Cod: It was his back, but I wouldn’t be surprised about the ass either.

Reedman and Cod approach the door. Reed knocks three times, timidly. The both of them stand there for a moment.

Cod: Okay, well, this has been good and fun but can we leave now?

Reed bangs louder this time, trying to get anyone’s attention.

Cod: I don’t think he’s here.

Suddenly there’s rustling heard from behind the door and strange whispering.

Reed: Did you hear that?

Cod: I’m not deaf, Reed!

Reed: What the fuck is with the hostility? I’m only asking.

Cod: It’s creepy and smells like sour milk here; I want to go fuck a hooker, let’s go!

Suddenly the sound of a lock opening on the door is heard. Reedman and Cod look at the door with anticipation, waiting for it to open. The sound of another lock being unlocked is heard. Then another. And another. And again. Another lock unlocks. Then another one unlocks. How many fucking locks does this guy have? The door swings open and an awful smell emerges, one more dank and putrid than the already lingering one from the porch. Within the darkness is someone who can’t be visibly seen. Their house is totally dark and decrepit and they are wrapped in some sort of blanket.

Unknown Person: Come inside...

Reed looks to Cod and Cod looks to Reed. Cod shrugs and walks in, with Reed following behind.

Person: You’re not from the... IRS...

Reed: No, no, we aren’t.

Person: PETA?

Cod is looking at his dirty magazine with ponies spreading their junk out.

Cod: Definitely not.

Person: Did the lizard people send you?

Reed: I... don’t think so?

The person unwraps themselves to reveal Crit (Paul Dano) underneath.

Crit: Then it really is you...

Reed: Crit?

Cod: Ugh... it smells like semen...

Crit: I had a couple of sailors staying here, they had LOTS of drugs and needed a place to crash.

Cod: Definitely not what I meant.

Reed: Oh my God, Crit, what the hell happened to you?

Crit: Jesus FUCKING CHRIST, DON’T say the Lord’s name in vain in this home...

Reed: But you...

Crit: EVAR!!!

Cod walks over to a rotting bookshelf with a single jar on it. Inside the jar is a my little pony figure with goo all over it. Cod picks it up and brings it over to Reed.

Cod: I told you I smelled semen.

Reed slaps him away.

Reed: I told you to get that fucking pony crap away from me!

Crit: You aren’t a believer? A believer in friendship?

Reed: Crit, what the hell is going on here and why do you live in a crack house?

Crit: After the lawsuit with Ryu, I just couldn’t keep it up.

Cod: That’s what she said.

Crit: You know I had issues Reed, I had them bad! Cocaine, meth, marijuana, FUCK! I was even sniffing sharpies for a high! I sold mostly everything, but the bare necessities. You got a vape on ya, man?

Reed: No, I don-

Cod: Here.

Crit immediately snatches it from Cod’s hands, taking a massive hit and blowing it all out.

Reed: Have you been in contact with Axrik, lately?

Crit: DON’T SAY THAT NAME!

Crit grabs Reed by the mouth, covering it.

Crit: They are WATching Ussssss...

He looks around the shitty looking (probably smells like shit too) living room and motions for Reed and Cod to follow him. They do and he takes them over to a bare wall which has a massive poster of Farrah Fawcett on it.

Cod: Hot.

Crit: Gross, she’s almost 80.

Reed: She’s dead.

Cod: Why the hell do you have a poster of her on your wall if you’re so disgusted?

Crit unpins the poster and reveals a secret door behind it. He opens it up and they follow him inside. It’s pitch dark and nobody can see.

Reed: Turn on the light, Crit.

Crit: I have to find it first.

Cod: Maybe give me a few extra minutes, first.

Crit turns on the light and sees Cod with his pants down and Reed stepping away from him in shock. Cod quickly pulls up his pants and drops his magazine, resulting in Reed grabbing it and ripping it to shreds.

Cod: NO REED PLEASE!!!

Cod drops to the ground, flopping around like a fish.

Crit: As you can see Reedman, they are watching our every move...

Reed turns around away from Cod’s stupidity, seeing that all the walls are covered in newspapers, photos and all sorts of red string and conspiracy documents.

Reed: Oh boy...

Crit: You see, Reed. The CWACians are looking for control, they’re in it DEEP! And the MLPians, some of them are involved, but the others are robots, man! ROBOTS! They work for the lizard people and they they they, UGH IT’S AWFUL REED! And don’t even get me started on the iCarlians!

Reed: Crit, calm the fuck down!

Reed shoves the vape pen into Crit’s mouth, forcing him to take a drag and exhale it.

Reed: What the FUCK is going on with Axrik?

Crit: I don’t really know the full story, but there’s something BIG going on... I’ve been watching him...

Reed: You must have fifty restraining orders, what the hell are you doing following him for?

Cod: One of those restraining orders was from me.

Crit: Axrik is working with someone, someone who is sneakier than him!

Reed: Who?

Crit: Boushh!

Cod: Boushh? Ha! You mean Reed’s old flame!

Reed: Old flame? We held hands, it was strictly rated G with me.

Cod: Tell me about it. If it were me, I woulda been knocking her up with 20 kids!!! I could never understand why you didn’t go for third base! Or even second base! Reed, you never made it to first base, what the hell!

Crit: Don’t trust her! She’s in league with Axrik and they were planning things. I think she works with the lizard people too.

Reed: Well, I don’t know about any lizard people, but Axrik associating with Boushh is one of the worst things we can have right now.

Cod: Why? Afraid he’ll play hide the lightsaber with Boushh?

Reed: No, Cod. Because she’s a dangerous supplier for some of the worst people in the country.

Cod: Yeah, PFFT! Right!

Reed: Ugh! You dolt! She’s the one who supplied Dylan with all the fake passports, disguises, online accounts! You name it! She could have Axrik out of here in minutes, if she wanted to. Which begs the question... why hasn’t he left already?

Crit: That’s not all, either, though! This is all a huge plot by someone, man! The lizard king or something, I’m telling ya! Axrik has got competition and it comes all the way from the TOP!

Reed: From the top? What does that mean?

Crit: Look here, I’ve got-

Crit stops and sees on the computer monitor that Sgt. Green has arrived with other officers and SWAT members.

Crit: YOU BROUGHT THEM HERE!!?

Reed: We didn’t do anything, I swear!

Cod: Maybe it was those sailors who told on you.

Crit: UGH I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!

Cod and Reed run out of the room and see Sgt. Green and Bright break down the door with their weapons drawn. SWAT officers swarm the inside of the house and surround Green and Bright. Reed and Cod hide behind Crit’s crappy couch.

Green: Come out with your hands up, shitheads!

Reed: Green? Bright?

Bright: Make this easy on yourselves, Reed.

Reed: You guys got a warrant?

Green looks at Bright.

Green: The hell’s a warrant?

Reed: Well, that’s not a good sign...

Cod: They’re gonna fucking kill us Reed!!! O\_O

Reed: Well, let’s see if we can talk this out...

Reed stands up with his arms raised, holding onto a briefcase.

Reed: I think this may just be a simple case of wrong place, wrong time, right fellas?

Green, Bright and all the SWAT guys start firing at Reed who uses the briefcase to shield himself from the gunfire and ducks back down behind the couch with Cod.

Cod: I TOLD YOU SO!!!

Reed: OKAY!! YOU TOLD ME SO! NOW WHAT?

Cod: LET’S SHOOT THESE FUCKERS!

Cod reaches into his pants and pulls out a long barreled revolver. Reed hangs onto his briefcase, sweeping it off to clean it, which has blasts from the bullets but no holes. Instead, it appears that the briefcase is made of some kind of metal. He reaches for the briefcase code and flips the numbers 2-1-1 to open it. Inside is a snub-nosed revolver that he hangs onto. Cod looks over the couch and begins firing his gun.

Cod: HOLD STILL SO I CAN SHOOT YA!

Bright and Green run away as Cod hits one of the SWAT members. Cod hides back behind the couch.

Cod: Mine’s bigger.

Reed: Fuck off.

Reed gets up, holding the briefcase out as a shield and fires a shot, sending a single bullet through two SWAT guys.

Cod: SHOW OFF!

Reed: It’s not about the size!

Cod: It most certainly is!

Cod begins reloading the revolver as Reed runs into the kitchen and opens the fridge door to hide behind as more gunfire is shot at him.

Reed: Green, what the fuck, man?

Green: It’s nothing personal!

Green begins unloading his entire AR into the fridge door.

Reed: Well, it feels fucking personal...

Bright runs down the hallway towards the Farrah Fawcett poster and reloads his pistol. Cod begins firing all his shots at some SWAT officers and runs into the hallway, on the other side of the poster. Bright looks up at the poster as he reloads.

Bright: Hot...

Cod: Dude, she’s like 80.

Reed runs by as Green is reloading his AR.

Reed: SHE’S FUCKING DEAD!

Bright and Cod watch as Reed runs past them and goes into Crit’s bedroom. Bright quickly reloads his pistol as Cod reloads his and they both point their loaded weapons at one another.

Cod: Make a move I FUCKING DARE YOU PUSSY MAKE A MOVE

Bright shoots at Cod, hitting his shoulder and immediately takes cover behind a table. Cod hides behind the other end of the table, swearing to himself.

Cod: FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! YOU SHOT ME!

Bright: You told me to!

Cod: I’m Native American, you prick! I’ve got Shawnee blood, you asshole!

Bright has tears rolling down his face.

Bright: YOU CALLED ME A PUSSY!

Green makes his way past the hallway and moves towards the bedroom, but suddenly Crit’s secret door swings open, slamming Bright in the face and knocking him to the floor. Crit is wearing a bandana on his head, has cocaine all over his nose and mouth and is holding two SMGs in his hands.

Crit: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!

Crit begins opening fire and Sgt. Green makes a mad dash into the the kitchen before he can be shot. Crit manages to blast the SWAT officers, shredding them to bits while he laughs.

Cod runs past Crit and into the bedroom where Reed is hiding. He’s kicking in a barred window.

Reed: Help me with this, you dunce!

Cod: That’s no way to treat a fucking friend.

Reed: Tell that to Crit and his nasty ass friendship jar!

The both of them manage to break open the bars and flop out of the window as Crit continues laughing and firing the guns.

Crit: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!! HAHAHAHA

Bright: That was the idea, you moron!

Bright fires five shots into Crit, causing him to stumble back and slide against the wall to the ground.

Crit: I’M SORRY! I DIDN’T MEAN IT!!!!

Green walks over.

Green: Tell it to Satan, fuckwad.

Green and Bright both shoot Crit over and over again, emptying their guns on him.

Cod and Reed are shown running back to Cod’s car. Reed throws his briefcase into the back and Cod stops to see that the SWAT team have vandalized his car. On it says in spray paint: Codfish Likes Fish Dicks.

Cod: That’s not even remotely true!

Reed: HURRY UP!!!

Cod hops in, trying to rub the paint off and driving away at the same time. They are able to take off down the street as Bright and Green run outside, looking for them. They miss them just by a second. An officer walks over, taking off his mask.

SWAT Officer (Nick Cannon): Orders?

Green: Burn it. All of it.

### Scene 4

Cod and Reed are shown getting out of the car at the parking lot of a large complex. The building reads Brightrazor Industries as they walk into the front door. Making their way inside, they sneak past the reception and manage to slip into an elevator.

Cod: Brightrazor Industries?

Reed: One of her many aliases, I’m afraid.

Cod: What the hell do they make here?

Reed: Oh, you know, home décor; throw pillows, candles and curtains. That kind of stuff.

Cod: That’s it? Doesn’t sound serious to me...

Reed: It’s all a front, Cod. You’ll see...

Cod: If you say so...

Reed and Cod exit from the elevator and sneak their way over towards Boushh’s office.

Reed: Aha, here it is!

Cod: How can you tell?

Reed points to the sign right next to the office that reads CEO Office on it.

Cod: I was just testing you.

They both sneak up to the door and fiddle with the lock.

Cod: Here, let me try...

Cod takes a pin from his hair and starts to unlock the door. The two of them tiptoe into the office, glancing around. Cod closes the door gently behind him and follows behind Reed.

Cod: What are we looking for?

Reed: Any kind of connection to Axrik.

Cod and Reed snoop through Boushh’s bookshelf first. Cod pulls out a book.

Cod: 50 Shades of Neigh?

Reed: Oh Christ, Cod, please don’t...

Cod: Well there’s this one too... 2550 Days?

Reed: Put the erotic novels away, we’re not here for that.

Cod: “Rainbow Dash looked over her body, she never realized how attractive Twilight was before, for an egghead she was quite beautiful.”

Reed: Can we get back to the conspiracy plot?

Cod: “‘Are you ready?’ Twilight readied her horn again. Rainbow Dash suddenly kissed Twilight without warning.”

Reed: I said stop, Cod! This isn’t funny!

Cod: “‘Mmmm?!’ Twilight looked at her confused and noticed the long COCK between Rainbow Dash’s legs-”

Reed: FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

Reed grabs the erotic novel from Cod and tosses it out an open window of the office. The book goes spiraling down to the ground, landing and hitting an unsuspecting Goji in the head, knocking him to the pavement, resulting in him beginning to cry like a baby again.

Woman’s Voice: I really liked that book.

Reed: Who said that?!

Cod: A GHOST!!!!

Boushh (Anne Hathaway) turns around in her seat, revealing she’s been there the whole time, sitting behind her desk with the chair turned away from them.

Cod: You didn’t think to check if she was in the chair, REED?!?

Reed: You were too busy reading your fucking friendship is fornication garbage!

Boushh: Relax, relax...

Boushh gets up, walking around the large desk and leaning against it.

Boushh: It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen my Reedman...

Reed: B-B-Boushh, how are you? \*Ahem.\*

Reedman is nervous and his legs are shaking, clearly displayed to everyone.

Boushh: Oh, I’m just dandy. Yourself?

Cod: He’s a fucking mess.

Reed: Right. I mean... well...

Boushh: So, you’ve come to perform one of your “wellness checks” on me, have you?

Reed: It’s not- I mean, I- Well...

Cod: We came here to see if you’ve been dipping back into your criminal past.

Reed bumps Cod in the side with his elbow.

Cod: Ow.

Boushh: ME? A criminal? Ha! I haven’t been in the business ever since poor poor Dylan got banished...

Reed: Going by Callista Brightrazor these days?

Boushh: Most of the time.

Reed: So, then. It’s all just rainbows and roses?

Boushh: My home décor business is doing splendidly. I haven’t the need for some silly side hustle of selling off fake IDs and helping criminals escape. As a matter of fact...

Boushh reaches near her desk, prompting Cod to reach for his gun.

Boushh: Mmm, a little trigger happy, aren’t we?

Cod blushes and puts the gun back down into his pants. Boushh ends up grabbing a candle from the desk and walking over to Reed, giving it to him.

Boushh: Well?

Cod and Reed look at each other, then Reed takes a sniff. He then let’s Cod have a whiff, to which they both nod.

Boushh: We have our next batch of Oola-la Candles to hit the market.

Reed: It does smell quite refreshing...

Cod: I’ll say...

Reed: Is that a hint of coconut? Piña Colada?

Boushh: Island Breeze.

Reed: Hm.

Boushh walks back over to her desk, placing the candle back on it. She then turns around, leaning against the desk and spreading her legs open a bit.

Boushh: Anything else?

Cod’s jaw drops open as Reed tilts head to look away.

Reed: A-actually Boushh, I think we’ll be on our way. We can see ourselves out. T-thank you.

Boushh: Hm, anytime...

Reed and Cod make their way out of the office and into the elevator.

Cod: Holy shit Reed, I think she wanted us to fuck her.

Reed: She’s a tricky dangerous one, that’s for sure...

Reed presses a bunch of basement floor buttons.

Cod: What are you doing?

Reed: She’s definitely up to something.

Upon arriving on the first basement floor, Reed and Cod notice it’s a loading dock. They spot some trucks that seem to have some chemicals and strange equipment.

Reed: Look there! Dashster Services. Vein’s delivery service.

Cod: That doesn’t look like home goods.

Reed: It’s very scientific and high tech. Come on.

Reed closes the elevator door and they go down another floor, with the door opening, but this time a man (Logan Paul) is standing in front of them. He flexes his muscles, preventing them from walking out.

Reed: Clonefanatic...

Clonefanatic: Reedster! Long time, no see...

Clonefanatic walks into the elevator, slapping a tight grip on Reed’s shoulder.

Clonefanatic: Looks like you got lost. I’ll help you find your way out of the building.

Reed: Oh, that won’t be necessary...

Clonefanatic: I think it will. Only people allowed down here are supposed to have security clearance and you... don’t have it! Heh. And, uh, usually people roaming around in places they’re not supposed to be...

Reed looks to Cod and sees Cod readying his gun. Reed shakes his head no, with Cod putting it back away quietly.

Clonefanatic: Well, they usually end up getting shot. We’re tight on the whole property thing, ya know?

Reed: I completely understand.

The doors open and the three of them walk out of the elevator, with Clonefanatic escorting them to the exit.

Clonefanatic: Be sure to let us know when you’re dropping by, that way we can prepare the fun stuff for ya!

Reed: Right, thank you Ash. Come on, Cod, let’s go.

Reed and Cod leave as Clonefanatic carefully watches them walk away from the building.

### Scene 5

White Rabbit by Jefferson Rabbit plays as Cod and Reed enter a building in slow motion. There are multiple postal workers carrying boxes and sorting the mail. Cod and Reed continue to walk in slow motion, with Cod glancing at one of the employees who looks up at him. The building is full of smoke as the employee puffs on a blunt. Reed looks over to two employees, both of whom are sharing shrooms with each other. Cod and Reed swing open the postmaster general’s office to reveal Vein Dashster (Jesse Eisenberg), who is sitting in his chair with his feet up on the desk, puffing on a blunt. The slow motion ends.

Vein: Friends!

Vein outreaches his arms and stands up.

Vein: It’s been such a long time, Cod!

Cod: Hey, Vein. How are you?

Vein: I’m on Cloud 9, these days. And Weedman! My best of friends!

Reed: It’s Reedman...

Vein: That’s what I said! Sit down.

Cod and Reed sit down, watching as Vein takes a huge drag from his blunt, then exhales.

Vein: What can I do for you gentleman?

Cod: We need your help to see some shipping logs to Brightrazor Industries.

Vein: Wow, um, well I definitely CAN’T do that because it’s highly illegal and a violation of my customer’s rights.

Reed: Vein, we could really use your help here avoiding some kind of massive disaster. We don’t want this to turn out like the war-

Vein: Now-now-now HOLD ON a second there, pal! Listen up, because you two have known this for a long time, even during the war: I’m a pacifist! I want nothing to do with the war or anything you guys have against what’s going on over there.

Cod: If you just show us the logs, nobody will ever know it was you.

Reed: We won’t tell; promise!

Vein: Look guys, I want to help you, I really do. I just can’t do what you’re asking of me. Now if you came down here, wanted to chill with me and the boys, expand your minds a little - that’s fine! But I don’t get involved in that kind of stuff, I’m a man of peace.

We cut to Cod and Reed leaving the office and walking across the lot. Reed makes his way towards the car but suddenly stops, taking a look at the delivery trucks. Reed nods to Cod, who sees as well, and they both go to investigate. Reed walks over to a truck and sees a clipboard on the back, with information.

Reed: This is going to a Children’s hospital.

Cod reads another one.

Cod: This one’s to a Church.

Reed: Not seeing anything yet.

Cod: Reed, right here.

Reed walks over and Cod shows him it’s heading to Brightrazor Industries. Suddenly the truck starts up and Reed and Cod panic. They hop onto the back and let the truck move along. Reed and Cod make their way onto the top of the truck, letting it take them wherever they’re going. As Cod and Reed stay on, they pass by a police car, with TVL Writer (Ian McKellen) and Jekallo (Timothée Chalamet) sitting inside eating donuts.

Jekallo: This is Officer Jekallo, we’re on Rainboom Street, across Dashster Services, we’ve spotted the assailants riding on a truck.

Bright (intercom): Did you say riding in a delivery truck?

TVL: No, sir. ON the delivery truck...

Tank! by SEATBELTS plays as TVL & Jek’s car speed out of the coffee shop lot and chase down the delivery truck.

Cod: Crap!

Reed: Where the fuck do these guys come from?

Cod and Reed grab the side of the truck as it swerves a corner. Inside the driver seat of the truck is HD Master (Michael Chernus).

HD: FUCK! I CAN’T GO BACK TO JAIL!

HD slams the gas, sending Cod and Reed backwards on the truck.

Reed: Oh shit…

Reed and Cod both hug themselves onto the truck tightly as it speeds through traffic. Reed slowly begins moving forward, but HD rolls down his window and begins throwing items out of it. One of them hits Reed in the face, which he catches before it can fly away. It’s a photo of loli porn and Reed immediately tosses it in disgust. The photo goes flying onto the windshield of the cop car chasing them.

TVL: What the fuck? Is that loli porn?

Jekallo: Nice…

TVL looks at Jek in shock, then back to the street where they crash into another incoming police cruiser. Green and Bright drive past in their own vehicles seeing the accident and then take notice of Reed and Cod on the back of the truck.

Green: There he is!

Bright steps on the gas and begins gaining behind the truck. Reed looks back and sees them, then motions to Cod to get in the side door. Reed bends over and opens the driver seat door, to which HD screams in horror.

Reed: Sorry…

Reed climbs in and pushes HD to the middle seat while Cod sits on the passenger side. Reed swerves the truck as more and more police cruisers drive after them.

Cod: We gotta lose our wanted stars!

Reed: That’s not how real life works Cod…

Reed slams the truck into the backside of a Tesla, which bumps it onto the sidewalk. The Tesla almost hits Goji and he drops his ice cream, to which he begins crying.

Cod: Doesn’t that kid ever give it a break with the crying?

Green and Bright begin to catch up, driving along the side of the truck. Green rolls down his own window and points his gun out of it. He begins shooting at the side of the delivery truck, causing Reed to panic and slam into the police cruiser.

Cod: What are we gonna do?

Reed looks around to see what’s inside HD’s truck.

Reed: What the hell is with all the weird anime shit, dude?

Reed grabs a half naked figure and chucks it at Green.

HD: Don’t judge me!

Reed grabs another figure, but HD stops him.

HD: That’s a collectible! It’s worth over $200!

Reed: It’s a fucking naked toddler.

Reed throws it at Green again, this time hitting him in the face.

Cod begins grabbing all the anime figures and hoards them underneath his shirt to keep for himself.

Reed: What else do you have in here that isn’t smut?

HD: Get out of my fucking truck!

Green: License and registration, asshole!

Reed: Are we seriously not already past that point?

Green opens fire on the truck’s tires, popping one of them and sending it driving towards a McDonald’s. Inside the restaurant, Blarth (Rowan Atkinson) is shown standing in line ordering from an employee who’s wearing a neck brace.

Blarth: Actually, I want him to cook my burger…

Blarth points at a 14 year old boy who looks nervously in their direction.

McDonald’s Employee: Sir, you do this every Wednesday. Can you just take your order and sit down?

Blarth: I’ll have you know that I’m very good friends with the health inspector. All I need to do is make one phone-

Suddenly the truck crashes right through the McDonald’s and runs over Blarth, clearing him from view.

McDonald’s Employee: Holy crap, you’ll never believe it, but that same thing happened to me almost two years ago. I still haven’t recovered…

Suddenly Green and Bright’s police cruiser smash through the McDonald’s, running the employee over and being followed by dozens of other police cars which smash into each other **one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one.**

Reed drives the truck through the other side of the McDonald’s, making his way down the road. Cod sticks his head out the window and checks behind them.

Cod: We’re good.

Reed: Wow, close one…

HD: Can I go home now?

### Scene 6

Inside of Reedman’s apartment, HD is tied up with duct tape to a chair and there’s duct tape on his mouth.

Reed: We need to know what all that crap in the truck is.

Cod rips off HD’s duct tape across his mouth.

HD: OUCH! Why did you have to duct tape my mouth if you want me to talk?

Cod: We wanted to give you the full experience.

HD: I don’t need the full experience, I already had this happen to me once before…

Reed: You’ve been kidnapped before?

HD: Among other things…

Cod: That’s kinda kinky. Tell me more.

Reed: Please, don’t tell us more. We need to know what the hell you’re delivering.

Reed lifts up a cardboard box which is filled with odd metal gears and electrical wires.

HD: I don’t know anything man, all I do is drop it off.

Reed: This is highly scientific material you’ve got in here. Plus there’s all the chemicals and expensive equipment…

Suddenly an alarm begins ringing.

Cod: What’s that?

Reed: Oh, I need to water my plants.

Cod: Water your plants? At a time like this?

Reed: You just wanted him to talk about his sex stories with you. Don’t put this on me…

Reed pulls out a small squirt bottle and begins spraying his plants that are on his island countertop.

HD: Where did that come from?

Reed finishes spraying his houseplants, then holds the bottle up to HD’s face.

Reed: You were saying?

HD: Are you going to spray me with water?

Cod: That’s not very threatening.

Reed: TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!

HD: I get paid not to ask questions. I’m a felon for Christ’s sake; they don’t ask me about why I went to jail and I don’t ask what they ship over there.

Reed: There has to be something you can tell us. How about when you deliver it to Brightrazor Industries? See anything strange there?

HD: Brightrazor Industries? I don’t take this stuff over there…

Reed: What?

Cod: Don’t be playing around with us…

Cod reaches down into his pants to grab his gun.

HD: Oh please, not again…

Cod looks down and realizes it looks sexual.

HD: I’ll be good, daddy… please…

Cod: Umm…

Reed: How can you not be delivering that equipment to Brightrazor Industries? It said that’s where you were going.

HD: No, they’re just the client. I make the drop off at this trap house where this creepy guy picks them up and takes them inside.

Cod: A trap house?

HD: Yeah, you know like… crack and shit?

Reed: Okay. We get the picture. Where is this trap house?

The delivery truck arrives in front of the broken down trap house, backing itself up into the driveway. HD sits in the front with no sign of Reed or Cod anywhere. As HD steps out of the truck after he’s put it in park, he comes around the back and begins to open the rear doors.

Mysterious Voice: Ur layt bich…

HD spins around in fear and sees Fishy (Michael Emerson) standing behind him with wild eyes.

HD: There was… a problem…

Fishy: Wee dot paye u 2 hav problams…

HD: There were these two guys sneaking around and then the police got involved.

Fishy: Mmmm, ya I bett. Dot wurey about tha polce. Thay arr two stupit too now what wee arr up two.

HD turns around and unlocks the doors, then slides down the loading ramp. Fishy walks up the ramp, rubbing his hands together.

Fishy: Tim too divv in…

Fishy grabs a box and brings it over to the trap house porch, laying it down. HD helps him with another box and Fishy grabs his own. As they begin going back and forth, HD watches as Fishy goes to grab a box, but suddenly Reed and Cod step from behind it pointing their guns.

Reed: Well, well, well. What do we have here?

Fishy: Whale, wail, wale. Wat du we hav her?

Reed: What?

Fishy: SUK MY TANT, FAGURT!!!

Fishy lunges at Reedman, grabbing him by the throat. Cod grabs Fishy off of Reed and throws him against the remaining boxes. Fishy then leaps on Cod, biting his neck.

Cod: AHHHHHHHH!

Reed tries to pull Fishy off, but suddenly Fishy starts T-Bagging Cod.

Cod: Help me! FUCKING HELP ME!!!

Fishy: U LIK DOES NUTTS? HAHHH?!?! U LICK THAM ON UR FAC????

Reed smacks Fishy over the head and pulls him off of Cod, throwing the deranged lunatic out of the truck. Fishy lands onto the ground and begins flopping around. Cod gets up, holding his bloody neck and Reed helps him out of the truck.

Cod: FUCK YOU, YOU SICK FUCK!

Cod kicks Fishy in the balls and Fishy moans out erotically.

HD: Oh, he definitely liked that.

Cod: Shut the fuck up!

Cod points his gun at HD and waves at him to move towards the house. Reed opens the door to the trap house as HD walks inside, with Fishy being forced to go in behind him after being held at gunpoint by Cod.

Reed: Now, just what the hell is going on here?

Cod slams the door shut behind them as Fishy and HD hold their arms up and walk into the center of the ugly trashed house. Fishy begins giggling to himself.

Cod: What’s so funny, fishface?

Fishy: O, u arr so fucced.

HD: Guys, can I please go home? I have nothing to do with this.

Suddenly a creaking is heard upstairs. Cod and Reed aim their guns upward, then point it towards the stairs.

Reed: Who else is in the house?

Fishy: Mee.

Cod: We know you’re in the house, asshole. WHO ELSE?

Fishy: MEE!!!

Coming from around the corner, another Fishy leaps out and grabs Cod by the arms.

Cod: OH SHIT!

Reed: He wasn’t lying! It’s him!

Fishy 3: AND MEE!!!

Another Fishy jumps out from around the corner and grabs Reed’s arms, causing him to move the gun away and fire a shot into the ceiling.

Fishy: WEE ARR EVARWHER!!!!

A fourth Fishy emerges from the darkness, grabbing HD and dragging him into the pitch blackness of the dining room.

HD: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Fishy: Wee’r gunna hav sum fun wit hem… hehehehe.

HD: PLEASE, NOT AGAIN!!!! NOOOOO!!!!

Cod kicks Fishy 2 in the balls, then shoots him in the chest, sending him falling to the floor. Fishy runs at Cod, shoving him against the wall and thrusting himself against him.

Fishy: U LIK MY MEET???

Reed: HOLY SHIT, COD!!!

Cod: WHAT?

Reed: The trap house!

Cod: Yeah?!

Cod struggles to shove Fishy away from him.

Reed: The trap house is **a trap**!

Fishy 3 tries biting Reedman’s arm, but Reed smacks him over the head. Fishy 3 stumbles around dazed, causing Reed to hold up his gun and fire directly into Fishy 3’s head.

Fishy: BORTHAR!!!! U KILED MY BORTHAR!!!!

Fishy throws Cod to the floor and runs at Reed, but he opens fire, shooting three times into Fishy’s chest. More Fishys begin descending down the staircase, at least a whole dozen of them swarming after Reed and Cod. Reed goes to open the door, but it’s locked from the outside.

Reed: We’re trapped!

Cod: Come on!

Reed follows Cod as they run into another room, which is lit dimly. Cod grabs the doorknob of a closed door, shaking it violently.

Reed: Hurry up Cod!

Fishy 6: Yeh Coc, hurray up!!!

Fishy 6 jumps behind Reed, punching him in the face. Reed stumbles back as Cod finally unlocks the door with his hairpin. Reed fires two shots at the hoard as they swarm closer, hitting two stray Fishys. They both run inside and hold them back from coming in. Fishy 6’s arm is all that keeps the door from closing, so Cod runs and gets an axe from off the wall and chops his arm off. An unholy screech from the other side of the door bellows and finally it closes shut. Cod breathes heavily.

Cod: I think… we’re safe…

Reed stumbles around in the dark, unable to see.

Reed: There’s got to be a light switch around here.

Reed flips on a switch, which lights up the whole basement. Inside are dozens of giant glass tubes, each with bodies growing inside of them.

Reed: No…

Cod: What the fuck is this?

Cod holds his nose.

Cod: And why does it smell like that?

Reed steps closer to the tubes, seeing that the growing bodies are all the same person. A dozen Fishys lay dormant inside the tubes, each growing at a different rate. Under every tube is a plaque that reads Fishyjustkeepswimming67, Fishyjustkeepswimming68, Fishyjustkeepswimming69 and so on.

Reed: They’re all… Fishy? Someone is cloning Fishy.

Moonlight Sonata by Ludwig van Beethoven begins playing on a piano in the basement. Reed and Cod spin around inside the room, looking around carefully.

Mysterious Person: Not just someone…

Reed and Cod peer around the corner to see a person in a lab coat at a piano playing. Their back is turned to them.

Mysterious Person: Me.

Clonefanatic rears his head while still playing the piano, smiling villainously.

Reed: Ash? What the hell is going on here.

Clonefanatic: You don’t get it, do you? It’s literally in my name. Ash Clonefanatic?

Reed: Duh, you’re cloning people. I’m talking about why you’re doing it…

Clonefanatic: Because somebody has something special planned for you.

Reed points his revolver at the back of Clonefanatic’s head.

Clonefanatic: You fired all of your bullets, Reed.

Reed pulls the trigger to his revolver, but it’s empty, simply clicking. Cod is struck unconscious from behind and Reed turns around to see Boushh.

Reed: Boushh.

Boushh: Don’t make this harder than it needs to be…

Reed: You made an army of Fishys…

Boushh places her hand on Reed’s shoulder.

Reed: What the hell do you want from all this?

Boushh: You.

Clonefanatic strikes Reed from behind the head and suddenly everything goes black. The music fades out.

### Scene 7

Reed slowly begins to wake up, adjusting to the bright lights. He looks around and over to his right he sees Cod, fully awake.

Cod: Reed? I got knocked out by Boushh! Isn’t that hot?

Reed: Shut up, Cod…

Reed begins to see more clearly and notices Dr. Ball, M.D. (Patrick Dempsey) moving back and forth from experiment to experiment.

Dr. Ball: Ah, he’s awake.

Clonefanatic: Good. Because that means I get to do this…

Clonefanatic punches Reed in the gut, which makes him cough.

Cod: Where’s Boushh? Can she punch me in the balls?

Dr. Ball: Someone say my name?

Boushh walks into the room, hands behind her back and smiling.

Boushh: Oh, my poor little Reedman…

Reed: You are one sick chick.

Boushh caresses his cheek, then turns away to face Dr. Ball.

Boushh: Get him ready. I want his seed.

Reed: EXCUSE ME?!?

Cod: Fuck, I’m so hard right now…

Boushh: You see, my beloved; I wanted nothing more than to be with you forever. But we grew apart and you never allowed me to have you truly.

Reed: This is RAPE!

Boushh: This is called getting what I want, Reedman. You were never enough of a man to stick it in me.

Cod: Oh fuck… that’s so hot.

Boushh: Once I have your seed, then I can dispose of you. That’s how cloning works, honey.

Clonefanatic: We need your semen for a pure DNA transfer.

Boushh: We already tried your hair and that didn’t seem to do the trick.

Clonefanatic: The results came out all wrong. Cloning requires a specific… strand.

Boushh: For so long I’ve been trying to get you to FUCK me.

Cod: Cod damn…

Boushh: I want you, Reedman. I want ten of you, a hundred of you; NO! A THOUSAND! Imagine what I could do with a thousand Reedmen.

Reed: You want to CLONE ME?!?

Boushh: I still love you, Reed. I want ya and I gotz ta have ya.

Cod: FUCK BABY, LET ME RAWDOG YOU!

Boushh: DOWN BOY!

Cod: Ruff!

Reed: Cod, now is not the time for your perverted shit.

Cod: Let me loose, Boushh! Please! I’ll be your little horny boy toy!

Reed: Cod!

Cod: I’ll do anything you ask! Please!

Boushh: Hmm…

Reed: God damnit, man. Control yourself!

Cod: I can’t Reed! I’m sorry! But when I need to fuck, I gotta do it!

Reed: You’re fucking insane.

Cod: Damn right, I’ll fuck her insane.

Reed: That’s not what I- oh, forget it. It’s useless.

Boushh: I’ll let you fuck me, Cod.

Cod: AAAAWOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Cod pants like a dog, revving to be released.

Boushh: However, I want you to do one thing for me in return…

Cod: Anything!

Boushh: Kill Reedman.

Reed: HUH?!?!

Cod: Okay!!!

Reed: Wait, wait, wait - KILL ME?

Boushh: Once I get your sample, then I will no longer need you. I’ll have plenty of you to go around.

Dr. Ball releases Cod from his clamps, freeing him. Cod runs over to Boushh and begins dry humping her leg.

Boushh: SIT!

Cod obeys like a dog, panting his tongue in and out of his mouth.

Reed: Oh, for fuck’s sake. I’m surrounded by psychopaths! Seriously, Cod?

Cod simply shrugs.

Boushh: I knew you would be snooping around my base of operations. That’s why I set up my master plan of luring you to the trap house-

Reed: Ingeniously a literal trap house too.

Boushh: Thank you for noticing. Anyways, it was only a matter of time before I’d have you in my clutches once more.

Reed: And what about Fishy?

Clonefanatic: All part of our testing phase. With Fishy’s cum, we were able to clone him as many times as we wanted.

Reed: Well, I guess you gotta be more careful where you blow your load these days…

Axrik: Actually, Fishy was my brainchild.

Axrik walks into the room, smirking.

Reed: Is nobody here on my side at all?

Clonefanatic: Not really.

Axrik: No.

Dr. Ball: I don’t even know you well enough. Sorry.

Axrik: Now that you got your precious plaything, when can I expect my army?

Boushh: We have an entire battalion of Fishys to command at your disposal. They’ll be ready to ship out by tonight.

Reed: So this was your play… You want the Fishy army to do your dirty work.

Axrik: I hadn’t properly thanked you, Reed. Without your help, I wouldn’t be out on parole.

Axrik points to his ankle monitor on his leg.

Axrik: And now I’ll use my Fishy army to destroy Gascan and his insufferable friends.

Reed: Oh, you mean Gashon? How’s he been lately?

Axrik: Miserable.

Reed: Ah. Good old Gashy.

Axrik claps his hands together, then turns to Boushh.

Axrik: So then, let’s make this deal official.

Boushh: Step into my office, Mr. Radum.

Boushh leads the way as they walk out of the room, followed by Cod and Clonefanatic. Dr. Ball prepares a machine, which begins to hum to life.

Reed: Gee Doc, you wouldn’t feel the need to switch sides, would you?

Dr. Ball: This place has dental. So no.

Reed: What exactly is that machine you’re turning on?

Dr. Ball: Oh this? It’s the milk machine.

Reed: **Milk machine**?

Dr. Ball: It’s going to milk you.

Reed: I don’t like the sound of that… o\_o

Dr. Ball: You won’t like the feeling either.

Reed: Oh no…

Dr. Ball swings the machine towards Reed.

Dr. Ball: It’s like getting a blowjob, except everything is inverted and it feels like your crotch is being torn off.

Reed: NO PLEASE NO!

Suddenly the wall of the laboratory explodes and in comes Sgt. Green and Bright.

Green: PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD ASSHOLE!

Dr. Ball: The name’s Doctor Ball.

Bright: Alright ballsack, stick ‘em up!

Dr. Ball raises his hands, allowing Bright to cuff him.

Green grabs the milk machine and pulls it away from Reed.

Reed: Wow; I’ve never been happier to see you guys…

Green: Shut up! Where’s Axrik?

Reed: He went with Boushh…

Bane and Knight walk into the room, then spot Reed strapped up.

Bane: What do w-

Knight: e have here?

Reed: Boushh was going to clone me! You have to stop her before she gets away with Axrik!

Bright: With that machine?

Reed: No, that’s the milk machine.

Bane: The milk ma-

Knight: chine? That sounds pr-

Bane: etty kinky.

Dr. Ball: It’s science guys. Don’t make it weird.

Green: Come on! Let’s go get Axrik!

Reed: Wait, so you didn’t come here to rescue me?

Bane: No. Why w-

Knight: ould we do tha-

Bane: t? Axrik missed his p-

Knight: arole meeting with us.

Bane, Knight and Sgt. Green run off as Bright unlocks Reed from the restraints.

Reed: Thanks.

Bright: No probl-

Reed suddenly smacks Bright over the head, knocking him unconscious. Then Reed grabs Dr. Ball by the collar of his lab coat.

Reed: Tell me how to stop Boushh, Dr. Nutsack.

Dr. Ball: It’s Dr. Ball…

Reed kicks Dr. Ball in the family jewels.

Reed: And you can call me the NUTCRACKER! How do I stop Boushh?

Dr. Ball: The broadcasting tower…

Dr. Ball points to a giant tower outside that is connected to the facility.

Dr. Ball: She built the broadcasting tower a long time ago. It’s her pride and joy, holds all over her secrets…

Reed grabs Bright’s gun and runs out of the room, leaving Dr. Ball there. He looks around the room, then presses the alarm and hobbles away out of the hole in the wall, escaping.

Axrik: What the hell is that?

Boushh: The emergency alert…

Clonefanatic: Reedman…

Cod: Um, are the police supposed to be here?

Everyone spins around to see Cod looking at the security footage of Sgt. Green leading Bane and Knight down a random corridor.

Axrik: Shit…

Axrik looks down at his ankle monitor.

Boushh: Where is Reedman?

Cod: He’s going in the opposite direction.

Axrik: Well, that’s one less prick we need to worry about.

Clonefanatic: Why would he be going to the south wing? Unless…

Boushh: THE BROADCAST TOWER!

Boushh and Clonefanatic make a mad dash down the hallway, leaving behind Cod and Axrik.

Axrik: BOUSHH? WHAT ABOUT MY ARMY???

Cod looks at Axrik, shrugging.

Axrik: Fuck off, bitch.

Cod: Dickhead… BOUSHH WAIT FOR ME!!

Cod runs after Boushh and Clonefanatic while Axrik pulls out his gun, firing on the glass door that’s locked in front of him. Reedman walks down a hallway, unsure where he’s now going. As he turns in one direction, he spots Fishy.

Fishy: INTROODA ALORT!!!!

Fishy leaps at Reed, who fires his pistol at him. Fishy falls to the floor, shot in the head. Reed makes a run for an elevator, pressing the button for it to open. He turns around and spots another Fishy coming after him.

Reed: Ohhhhh crap.

Reed begins pressing the button over and over again for the elevator doors to open.

Fishy: PREPAR UR ANOS!!!

The elevator doors open and Reed quickly hops inside before Fishy can get him, leaving the doors to close on the rabid man. Reed sighs a breath of relief, then turns around inside the elevator to see five other Fishys in there with him.

Fishy 24: RAEP?

Reed: Oh…

Fishy 38: RAEP!!!!!

The five of them reach out for Reed, who quickly begins unloading his pistol into one of them. The dead Fishy slumps forward into Reed, who uses him as a shield to protect himself from the attacking Fishys. The elevator doors slide open and Reed quickly pushes himself out of the elevator and makes a run for the room across from him. Quickly locking the door behind him, he turns around to see he is standing on a ramp, which has several giant bucket furnaces with hot liquid inside of them. Reed walks along the ramp, aiming his pistol carefully. He looks down and takes note at what’s below him.

Reed: Hot wax?

Boushh: Like I said before, Reed. I run a legitimate business here. I lied about the side hustle, though…

Reed looks over and sees Boushh standing next to Clonefanatic, while Cod breathlessly wheezes his way over.

Reed: Oh, so the criminal thing is just a little something extra?

Boushh: A girl’s gotta have a hobby.

Cod: Let me kill him, my mistress. Please, let me do it!

Boushh: No. I want his seed.

Reed: Can you seriously stop saying it like that? It’s very uncomfortable…

Boushh: You never did have a very good track record.

Reed: Well, I never ran track, so…

Boushh: I’m talking about sex, Reed!

Reed: Oh.

Walking into the room and standing behind Boushh are five men.

Cod: This reminds me of that porno I watched one time...

Boushh: Allow me to introduce you to our failed clones.

S4WDuST (Robin Lord Taylor), EV1SC3RAT10N (Dane DeHaan), Nalyd (Danny McBride), Multiple D (Erik King) and Esvald (Channing Tatum) reveal themselves.

Reed: Wait, those are all me?

Clonefanatic: Only S4WDuST and EV1SC3RAT10N are made from your hair’s DNA. Nalyd here was used from the spit of your friend Dylan, Multiple D from Atom’s toenails and Esvald from Jeulin’s feces.

Reed: I don’t want to picture how you were able to collect that.

Clonefanatic: It wasn’t as hard as it sounds, honestly.

Cod: That’s what she said!

Boushh: Whoever restrains the Reedman, will get to do whatever they want with me.

Cod: MMMM YEAH MAMA!!!

Clonefanatic: I’m down for that, babe.

Reed: What is wrong with you people?

I Saw The Light by Todd Rundgren plays as Clonefanatic charges at Reedman, while Cod begins loading his revolver and Boushh walks into the other room. Reed raises his pistol up to fire, but it’s empty.

Reed: Oh crap.

Clonefanatic rams right into Reedman, knocking him to the ground of the walkway. Clonefanatic begins strangling Reed, who tries his best to push him off. Cod finishes reloading his weapon, then fires a shot into Clonefanatic’s leg.

Clonefanatic: OW! You shot me!

Cod: SHE’S MINE, ASSHOLE!

Reed: Probably the only time I’m glad Cod is down bad.

Reed shoves Clonefanatic off of him, then gets up. Cod fires another shot at Reed, who jumps off the walkway over to another separate bridge. The clones begin walking their way over to the other bridge where Reed is at. Clonefanatic grabs Cod’s arm and they then fight over the gun. Reed gets up and begins making a dash for the other side, but stops upon seeing the clones making their way over to him.

Nalyd: HUEHUEHUE!

Reed: Well, you’ve got the laugh down…

Cod’s revolver fires a shot and hits a spinning fan, which snaps and falls onto Reed’s walkway. As it crashes down, the entire walkway breaks apart and one end falls into the hot wax, leaving Reed to climb backwards away from the sinking bridge. Nalyd falls halfway into the wax, burning him as he holds onto the walkway.

Meanwhile, Axrik makes his way through a room where multiple Fishys are standing. Axrik raises his arms out, addressing them.

Axrik: HELLO, MY LITTLE FISHIES!

All the Fishys turn around to face Axrik.

Axrik: Who’s your daddy?

Fishy 17: DAHDAH?

Axrik: That’s right. You work for me now.

Fishy 45: DADDI??

Axrik: Huh?

Fishy 17: RAEP!!!

Fishy 45: RAEP DADAH!!!

The Fishys all run after Axrik, who shrieks out a woman’s scream. Axrik quickly runs from the room as all of the Fishys trail behind him.

Knight: Still no si-

Bane: gn of Axrik, Sergeant. Sh-

Knight: ould we turn b-

Bane: ack?

Axrik suddenly runs through the door and stops upon seeing Green, Bane and Knight.

Green: There you are!

Axrik: GET OUT OF THE WAY!

Axrik pushes past them, running. Green, Bane and Knight watch as he runs down the corridor, then they turn and see the swarm of a hundred Fishys coming their way.

Bane: RUUUUU-

Knight: UNNNNNN!!!

The three of them follow behind Axrik as the Fishys chase them down the hallway.

Still fighting, Clonefanatic kicks Cod in the stomach, causing him to drop the revolver. Clonefanatic quickly grabs it and turns to Reed. Reed is currently struggling against Multiple D, who’s holding him in a headlock.

Multiple D: o\_O

Reed: Let go of me!

Multiple D: O\_O

Reed: Stop that! Why are you doing that?

Esvald: He doesn’t speak. He just makes those gaither faces.

Clonefanatic fires a shot at Multiple D and Reed, shooting Multiple D in the arm.

Multiple D: OOO\_OOO

Esvald: Not cool man! Put the gun away!

Clonefanatic turns and points the gun at Esvald, shooting him in the shoulder.

Reed then jumps back over to the other side again, landing next to Clonefanatic. S4WDuST and EV1SC3RAT10N grab the gun from Clonefanatic, tossing it across the room. S4WDuST holds Clonefanatic by the neck while EV1SC3RAT10N fights Reed. He takes out the cigarette he’s smoking and burns Reed with it on his hand.

Reed: Damn it, ouch! Hey! I don’t smoke!

EV1SC3RAT10N: Yeah, but I do.

Reed: Do you water your plants?

EV1SC3RAT10N: Wut?

Reed pulls out his spray bottle and squirts the water into EV1SC3RAT10N’s face.

EV1SC3RAT10N: What the fuck? Was that water?

Reed pushes him over the railing while he rubs his eyes, causing him to fall into the hot wax. Nalyd continues climbing out of the hot wax with his arm strength, but the wax quickly hardens and he has no use of his legs once he pulls himself free. S4WDuST throws Clonefanatic to the ground and pulls out a chainsaw, swinging it at Reed.

Reed: Oh, fuck…

Reed runs away as S4WDuST chases him.

S4WDuST: What’s the matter? Afraid I’m going to cut to the point?

Reed jumps up and grabs onto a pipe, which soon breaks and begins spraying hot steam into S4WDuST’s face, burning it with scolding steam.

S4WDuST: AHHHHHHH!!!

S4WDuST drops the chainsaw onto his foot, slicing his toes off. Hopping around in pain, he falls over into Clonefanatic who struggles to push him off. Reed makes his way over to the end of the walkway, but Cod tackles him. Axrik suddenly makes his way into the room and sees everyone fighting. With nowhere to turn, he sees Green, Bane and Knight coming to him.

Axrik: LOL, I’m fucked.

The Fishys swarm into the room, pushing everyone around. Most Fishys land into the hot wax, but Axrik manages to push past them and escapes to the other side. A Fishy clone grabs S4WDuST and begins violently attacking him, much to everyone’s horror. Nalyd uses his crown to fend off the Fishys while Esvald is cornered and dry humped by a few of them.

Fishy 63: HALLO REDMIN, WE HAV CUM TO RAEP UUUUUU!!!

Reed uses Cod as a human shield as the Fishys dogpile themselves on top of them. Clonefanatic pulls out a phone from his pocket as he drags himself away from the attacking Fishys.

Clonefanatic: They’ve become unstable! The hive mind is taking over!

Fishy 55: WHO AR U TWO SEY WE ARR INSTABLE!

Fishy 55 leaps at Clonefanatic who pushes a button on his phone, causing all of the Fishys to explode into sticky white goo.

Esvald: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Nalyd: What the fuck was that?!?

Clonefanatic: Self destruct sequence.

Multiple D: O.o

Clonefanatic: All clones come equipped with them.

Multiple D: oo\_oo

Clonefanatic: You know, I might as well just make this easier for myself.

Clonefanatic pushes the button again, this time exploding the remaining clones. S4WDuST, Nalyd, Esvald and Multiple D all explode into bodily chunks.

Clonefanatic: There… now where was I?

Reed shoves the chainsaw right through Clonefanatic’s chest, then pushes him over the railing. Falling into the vat of hot wax, he begins to sink lower and lower into it, uttering his final words.

Clonefanatic: Better to cum in the sink… than to sink in the cum…

Finally he is consumed inside, leaving no trace of him. Sgt. Green, Bane and Knight are left unconscious. Reed looks over to Cod, who is the only remaining enemy left.

Reed: Are we sure that was candle wax?

Cod shakes his head, giving up.

Cod: I’m sorry, Reed. I never should have betrayed you just so I could fuck Boushh.

Reed: Yeah, you really shouldn’t have.

Cod: Can we just start over and be friends again?

Cod holds his hand out to shake, but his other hand is behind his back crossing his fingers.

Reed: Well…

Reed reaches out, about to shake. Cod suddenly pulls out a taser and zaps Reedman. He grabs Reed and drags him into the room where Boushh is, standing in front of her signal tower. As they make their way over, Reed’s hand picks something up from the corner of the room.

Boushh: Sounded like a mess out there.

Cod: It was.

Cod wipes off all the Fishy goo from his outfit.

Boushh: I knew you could do it Cod. I always believed you would be the one.

Cod: I love you so much, Boushh… Now let's make this horror film into an interracial porno.

Boushh: Interracial?

Cod: I'm Native American.

Boushh: No, I don't think you are...

As Cod goes to hug Boushh, Reed aims the revolver he grabbed from the floor up and fires the last shot into Cod’s right kneecap. Cod falls to the floor in pain and Boushh gasps.

Reed: Now we can start over, Cod…

Cod: AHHHHHH, FUCK YOU!

Reed throws the revolver at Cod’s face, breaking his nose.

Cod: Ahhhhhhh! Okay, I deserved that! Okay, okay!

Boushh: Please, Reed. Whatever you do, don’t destroy this tower.

Reed: OH I’M SORRY! THIS TOWER? THIS TOWER RIGHT HERE?

Boushh: Reed… I know what you’re thinking, okay… I fucked up, but please don’t.

Reed: You DON’T want me to destroy THIS TOWER? After you DESTROYED MY LIFE?!

Reed grabs Cod and picks him, then slams Cod’s face into the tower’s console controls.

Boushh: REED NO!

Reed: OOPS!

Reed slams Cod into the power generator for the tower, causing it to send sparks flying everywhere.

Reed: WHOOPSIES!

The tower begins short circuiting and exploding.

Boushh: You have no idea what you just did!

Reed: OH NOOOOOO! Did I just ruin your plans? Sorrryyyyyyy.

Reed gives one last toss and throws Cod into the steel frame, which seems to budge it over. The structure begins to fall apart and pieces crash down everywhere.

Reed: There goes your precious fucking science experiment! How does it feel now, bi- OH MY GOD!

Upon turning around and seeing Boushh, she’s no longer a woman anymore, but has become a man (Toby Turner) instead.

Reed: WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!

Cod: Boushh is a… dude?

Reed: What did I do?!? Did I just break the space time continuum?!

Boushh: Noooo. You didn’t go that far…

Reed: What happened?! Why are you a guy now?!

Boushh: Because I’ve ALWAYS been a guy.

Cod: HUH?!?

Reed: WHAT?!

Boushh: That’s right, Reed. Take it all in.

Reed: You wanted me to fuck you, though!

Boushh: I’m bisexual, dumbass!

Cod: Yeah, but… you said you had a vagina!

Boushh: Look, my disguise technology is pretty fucking accurate, okay?

Reed: Disguise technology?

Cod: I MASTURBATED TO A GUY?!?!

Boushh: This tower was how I was able to help people hide in plain sight so well. Reed, you just destroyed the next evolution of the fake identity!

Reed: You mean… you catfished me?

Boushh: Seriously? This is what you’re getting out of it?

Reed: But… we were a thing?

Boushh: Get over yourself. We never fucked.

Cod: I dry humped you! You touched my balls!

Boushh: Yeah and you liked it. So shut up.

Cod: Damn, okay…

Reed: But why?

Boushh: Because I like to be whoever the hell I want to be Reed. Some days I feel like being a German bartender. Other days I feel like being an Italian hairdresser. Sometimes I just like to be a pony.

Cod: Now you’re speaking my language…

Boushh: This tower was what allowed me to change my appearance into anyone at any time. And not just me but… all my clients as well.

Reed: Holy shit, this is like the plot to They Live.

Boushh: Reed, don’t you understand? I had millions of clients. Even before we met, I’ve been doing this. Now they’re all back to who they originally were!

Cod: Oh shit, so like… Reed just exposed everyone? Right now?

Boushh: Yes! This is a catastrophic event!

Reed: That makes me Roddy Piper from They Live! Woahhhhhhh! Awesome!

Boushh: NO! Not awesome! That’s BAD!

Sgt. Green, Bane and Knight walk over with their weapons drawn on Boushh, Cod and Reed.

Reed: Guys, I’m just like Roddy Piper!

Green: What?

Reed: I am here to kick ass and chew bubblegum… and I’m all out of bubblegum…

Bane: Where di-

Knight: d Boushh go?

Cod points at the male Boushh, to which Bane, Knight and Green all raise their weapons.

Green: Boushh is a transvestite?

Boushh: UGH!

As Boushh and Cod get arrested, Bright walks into the room.

Bright: What did I miss?

Boushh: Everything is going to be a LOT different from now on, Reed. You’ll see…

Reed: Okay.

Bright: Who was that?

Reed: I got catfished.

Bright: Wait, didn’t you hit me on the head earlier?

Reed: Oh shi-

Reed runs as Bright chases him, while Knight and Bane drag Boushh and Cod away. Green looks around the room, observing the destroyed tower. He grabs his walkie-talkie and speaks into it as he observes the area.

Green: Grit and the evidence have been taken care of, but Axrik is still out there.

Voice on Walkie-Talkie: Hmm.

Green walks away, following as Cod and Boushh are pushed along by Bane and Knight.

Cod: This is fucking racial discrimination!

Knight: I'm asi-

Bane: an, moron.

Cod: Why the fuck do you talk like that?

Reed is shown jumping into Cod's cherry red convertible and speeding off.

Don’t You Want Me by The Human League plays as the scene fades to black and credits begin to appear.

### Scene 0.1

The music fades out and we see a TV that plays loudly in a living room, reporting the whereabouts of Axrik.

Aria: Hello, this is Aria Syarsee reporting live from Brightrazor Industries. It appears that criminal billionaire Blast “Axrik” Radum has broken parole and engaged in several illegal activities including murder, kidnapping and in a shocking turn of events - cloning. Behind the scientific side of things, it would appear that none other than the CEO Callista Brightrazor and cloning expert Ash Clonefanatic were involved in a massive cloning project which has already seen the production and shipping of various clones to clients. Callista Brightrazor and Cod Lacunae were the only criminal survivors of a massive scale police raid and have been taken into custody, however the whereabouts of Axrik Radum remain unknown and he is still at large.

Snoring from the couch is heard and we are shown someone snuggled under a blanket. A knock is heard on the door and the person underneath the blanket groans. Reedman is shown standing outside the door, holding a box of tacos from Taco Bell. The door swings open to reveal a woman (Karen Gillan) who groans tiredly and mumbles something under her breath.

Reed: Oh. Hi, my name is Reed. I’m looking for Gashon Cansaker. Is he home?

Woman: Yeah? You’re looking at him, idiota.

Reed: Pfft. Okay. No seriously, where’s Gash?

Gashon: Reed, what the fuck are you doing at my house on my day off work?

Reed stares in shock with his mouth hanging open and he drops the box of tacos all over the ground.

Gashon: What?

Gashon turns to look in the reflection of the window of the door, then screams loudly.

Don’t You Want Me continues to play until the end.