253: Only My FRIENDS Call Me Shortstack!

## Summary

The party continue on their way and before long they spot two white-feathered ibish, and suspecting them of being gang members, Batthwack tries to provoke them by pretending to be a gullible tourist. The pair of ne'er-do-wells attempt to extort him before smashing a streetlight and running away. After moving on, the group arrive in Highground and happen upon the opulent Toggle Hotel, which Will is simply incapable of walking by without going inside.

## Synopsis

The day is getting along and the party are starting to think about their upcoming meeting with Thalia, the pink-haired conspiracist, which is only a few hours away, and over on the other side of the city, at the Pineapple War Memorial Garden in Green Grove. Gwen suggests they can head in that direction and stop in Highground on the way.

Raphina knows the city well enough to lead the way and she bounds along on her new bullfrog vocal sac shoes. As they go, Will keeps an eye out for members of the Sooty Gang, also pulling Sheemie to one side to tell him to keep an eye out for suspicious-looking short people. Gwen, on the other hand, is on the lookout for another guard station, still intent on finding someone in authority with whom she might straighten out this silly misunderstanding about Raphina being a serial killer.

They're getting in the vicinity of the river when they spot two white-feathered ibish ahead of them, leaning against a building. They're suited in black and have black markings around their eyes. It's not clear if these are black feathers or if something has been added. They look young, but they're not children. One is slightly larger than the other. Will puts his hands in his pockets and sends everyone a *Message* saying *"They might be part of the gang. Let's just pay attention to those guys over there, but not too much."* Hearing the first part only, Batthwack immediately peels off from the group and approaches the two ibish. Will is shocked when Raphina replies to the *Message* to point out that Batthwack apparently isn't taking much notice of his warning.

The ibish notice Batthwack as he approaches them. One of them nudges the other one with his elbow and they both turn to look at him, saying nothing. Batthwack adopts a friendly tone. *"Oh, hey. Excuse me, um, we're kind of new to the town. I was just wondering, is this the way to Highground?"* Will is screaming internally and Gwen is keeping a close eye on the situation, but Batthwack knows exactly what he's doing, hoping that if these two are gang members, his impression of a gullible tourist will coax out their true nature.

One of the ibish speaks to Batthwack telepathically, saying *"Who's asking, short stuff?"* *"My name is Batthwack"* he responds politely. Raphina raises her eyebrows when she hears Batthwack using his real name. *"Well, if you want something from us, it's gonna cost you"* says the ibish, again speaking in Batthwack's head. *"I just want to know if I'm walking in the right direction."* *"All right, that'll be a silver"* comes the curt response. *"All right. Have a good day. Thanks for your help"* says Batthwack as he turns and walks away, keeping an eye on them as he does. Will is also watching, eagle-eyed.

Batthwack relates all that was said to the rest of the group as they continue walking. Will makes sure that Batthwack checks he wasn't pickpocketed during his chat. Having not encountered any ibish before now, Gwen is surprised to learn that they communicate telepathically. Will's keen not to interact with the gang until they've learned more, even though they can't be sure these ibish even are in the gang. Raphina also reminds Batthwack that he's not as tall as he used to be, but he says he doesn't feel any different. Gwen points out that should there be trouble, she's still very tall. Will was really not impressed with Batthwack's tactic, thinking that they're all going to be framed as total idiots. Gwen points out that it could work in their favour as a smokescreen.

As they keep walking, Batthwack turns around and walks backwards to see what the two ibish are doing now. The slightly larger ibish is boosting the other one up to reach the top of a streetlight. They reach back with a fist and smash the glass globe one its top. They drop down again and the two of them run.

Sheemie tells the others what happened. Will rolls his eyes at this pathetic display. Gwen is offended by the pointless vandalism. She calls out *"Hey!"* and begins to run a little way back towards the lamp, passers-by moving swiftly out of the huge dragonborn's way as she goes. Arriving back at the street corner where they were, she finds there's no sign of them. She looks down and sees the broken glass on the floor, reminding her of what Ricardo Ulysses did to her shop window.

Gwen heads angrily back to the others, feeling the beginnings of a *Rage* building within her, but it soon fades. Raphina tries to calm her, saying the gang probably just need a hug. Gwen suggests they'd do well to take some classes at the university and Raphina evens says that if they learnt to blow glass, they'd appreciate it more. Will says *"You guys are full of so much hope, it's adorable."* He tries to explain that the gang don't care about any of that stuff. They were probably smashing things to send a message to a rival, or to take over territory. He says that it's possible they're just bored, but more than likely someone higher up is organising it.

Suddenly realising he's sounding a bit too knowledgeable about gangs, he deflects, saying he studied all this at the university in Tivoli. Then he changes his mind and tells them he never did much school. Some, but not much. Gwen says she didn't go to any school. Batthwack, the same.

The party eventually reach the river and cross the bridge they find there. Looking at the meagre flow of water, Batthwack struggles to reconcile this with Raphina's tales of rafting across it. He asks her how big the river used to be, carefully pretending that it was from a story she used to tell them. Raphina points to a huge building off to their left, a giant marble/gold/crystal structure looming over the edge of the river. *"That monstrosity wasn't even there. It was full of water,"* indicating the whole block that the building occupies.

There's a few entrances to this huge building, one on the riverside looking like the main entrance, and another on the street closer to them. A sign above it says "The Toggle Hotel". Will's eyes bulge. Raphina sighs at the prospect of having to move their booking over to this new hotel to satisfy Will. Gwen points out that it is a lot easier to get to than the one up all the stairs. Will pleads with the others that they go check it out. They have a little time, so Raphina agrees that they can peek in. Sounding a little troubled, Batthwack says that this is nothing like the vision he experienced with Raphina when they were attacked by goblins on the Beartoggle River.

Will is already enthusiastically leading the way. Gwen mentions that it's a shame they'll have wasted their money at the other hotel, but also points out that her money seems to be multiplying, so maybe it's not a problem. Will is fully hoping and expecting this hotel to be very expensive.

They head up the stairs to the hotel's grand entrance. A uniformed doorman opens the door for them as they approach. Will tips him a silver piece and internally he roars triumphantly. Raphina curtsies and Gwen insists she could have opened it herself. Inside, the lobby is pretty busy and even more opulent than the outside was. There is gilded white marble everywhere. Luggage trolleys sit in readiness. Two people are staffing a reception desk that runs along the left side of the room and there's a massive fireplace on the right with large, overstuffed chairs around it. A couple of people are either checking in or out at the desk and several people are sitting enjoying the fire. There is also a double staircase in the rear of the lobby, but the most surprising thing about this place is the circus-like calliope music that's playing.

There are a few mirrors in the room and Gwen begins fixing her hair in one. Will catches a glimpse of himself and is disappointed with what he sees. Raphina climbs onto one of the luggage trolleys and calls for Will to push her. He's dismayed at what she's doing, fearing that they'll get kicked out. Apparently not concerned about this at all, Batthwack begins to push Raphina along. A man in a uniform that matches the doorman's approaches them. Raphina makes an excuse, but the porter asks her to stop what she's doing. She asks him about the calliope music, but he's slightly nonplussed, saying it's just their lobby music. Will looks around to gauge to wealth of the guests, finding that there's a mixture, but certainly everyone here looks to be well off.

Gwen makes her way to the reception desk and almost as if in a trance, Will practically floats over there too. A lady at the desk greets them. Gwen asks if any rooms are available. The receptionist says that they have single rooms, doubles, and they also have a suite available. *"And what is included with the suite?"* says Will with all the satisfaction he can muster. He is told that it sleeps up to four, includes a sitting room with a stocked bar, and has a wonderful view of the Beartoggle River. Will melts. Raphina excitedly asks if she can be in the suite, and asks who'd like to join her. Still thinking about the fully stocked bar, Batthwack raises his hand.

Will asks how much a single and a suite would be, saying they'd want them near each other. The receptionist says they can accommodate that and that the single room is 2gp per night and the suite is 20gp per night. Raphina stiffens. Gwen says *"I mean, that's a little pricey for my taste."* Will is not going to let this opportunity slip through his fingers. *"We're staying in this hotel tonight. I will cover it. I will cover the first night at the very least. We are staying in a nice hotel. You heathens who sleep on the ground will be staying in a nice hotel."* He looks around at them for encouragement. *"Showers! Baths! Pillows! Beds!"* he says. Raphina replies in a whisper *"Let's just hope tonight's not the night they throw me in jail."*

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from Alex. When Batthwack approaches the two ibish ne'er-do-wells, he asks them for directions to the Highground district. Eric responds as one of the ibish, but accidentally calls Batthwack by the nickname Gwen gave the newly shrunken dragonborn, saying *"Who's asking, short stack... sorry, short stuff!"* Alex: *"Only my friends call me Shortstack!"*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: **super-de-dooper**, a variation on super-de-duper or super-duper.

## References

1. ↑ See episode 206: A Duffel Bag of Tootsie Rolls
2. ↑ See episode 100: She's On The Moon
3. ↑ **Spoiler!** See episode 246: A Pompion's Guide to Six Rivers
4. ↑ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calliope\_music
5. ↑ See episode 233: Leave It To Three Loaf Cleaver