238: Use Grapefruit Spoon!

## Summary

Leaving the Badger's lair behind, the group trek back to the umlaut encampment as day begins to turn into night. On arriving at the camp, they discover that it has been decimated by a fiery onslaught from the same orange dragon that had terrorized Morrow's Inlet the day before. While the rest of the party look for survivors, Will goes back to the river, and finding a panicked Hilula alone, he recognises an opportunity to deal with the problem halfling. He grabs her and flies high into the air, looking for somewhere to drop her, but something stops him from carrying out the murderous act.

## Synopsis

The party head in the general direction of the umlaut encampment as best they can, reckoning that they have a couple of hours' walk ahead of them. Will looks about them for signs of the Supreme Forager and Batthwack wonders if they're in danger or dead. In the dirt, Will sees some large paw print tracks. Mo says they're wolf prints, pointing at nothing in particular. He says they're everywhere and is surprised the others haven't seen them. Will starts to freak out, imagining a giant wolf tracking them. Gwen tells him to calm down; there are animals all around them out here. She wants to focus on getting back to the umlaut camp and explains to Will how much she likes helping people. *"It makes me feel good inside and I don't expect anything from it because it gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside."* Raphina tries to appeal to the capatalist in Will, saying *"Even that is not altruistic. You get a nice warm fuzzy feeling. See, there's profit in it!"*

Will's not interested in anything warm or fuzzy, recalling the wolves and werewolves they encountered in Barovia. Raphina also reminds them of the wereravens. Gwen's never heard of either of those. Will says that Batthwack should explain what a werewolf is and crosses his arms at him. *"They're children that turn into wolves ... and then you have to kill them."* Will tries to explain *"It's like a curse and then they turn into a werewolf. Werewolves are these giant terrifying things that look like wolves."*

Gwen tries to clear this up for herself. *"It makes them change shape?"* She looks at Batthwack, who had used the word "cursed" when speaking to the Badger, and has now changed shape. *"I'm a weredragonborn. I've just never changed back"* he replies. Then a smile spreads across his face. *"No, I think I'm cursed in a different way."* Gwen offers to help him like she did Raphina. Batthwack thinks it might be a little different. He doesn't think his curse came from the leprechaun, but Gwen wants to try it anyway. As they walk through the forest, Gwen reaches down and touches Batthwack. The smell of a warm spiced apple cider invades Battwack's nostrils, but he finds himself just as close to the ground as before.

The group are making good progress and think they have about an hour to go before they reach the umlaut's camp. It's getting a little darker, so their visibility is a little bit impeded. Batthwack spots some more wolf tracks and Will begins to freak out again, especially when Batthwack tells him they travel in large packs, just to wind him up. Raphina is more concerned that the umlaut's haven't come looking for them yet. Batthwack wonders of it's because the Supreme Forager already returned with the ingredients, but Gwen points out that Roger and the Very Virile Badger hadn't seen them.

Will reminds her that time has been very weird lately, citing the example of everyone saying Strahd lived hundreds of years ago even though they only recently defeated him. Raphina recalls the worm who gave her a macadamia nut and told her about the dam and a lake in Beartoggle that had been there for decades, despite having not been there when she left a few weeks ago.

The group make progress towards the camp. It's getting darker now. Raphina, Batthwack and Will all notice intermittent vibrations in the ground. *"You really shouldn't have brought up the worms"* says Batthwack. Will uses his *Cloak of the Bat* to fly up above the forest canopy and have a look ahead of them in the direction of the camp, seeing flashes of light. He calls down to let the others know. It appears the flashes of light coincide with the distant rumbling. It's hard to tell where the flashes are coming from precisely. They can't hear anything. Gwen wonders if it's the umlaut's celebration causing it; perhaps they're letting off fireworks. Will calls down *"I can't see fireworks in the sky but it could be something happy. Let's assume it's not though. Remember all the things we just talked about? All the bad stuff happening is still happening!"*

A bright idea flashes into Gwen's head and she pulls a pair of chocolate binoculars (complete with sugar lenses) out of her magical purple pouch. Raphina surreptitiously licks one of the straps, discovering they're made of liquorice, and she makes a disgusted face. Raphina casts her *Arcane Eye* and sends it up into the air with the chocolate binoculars, but if anything, she has less visibility now. The chocolate is melting in the warm summer air. Gwen is slightly hurt by Raphina's reaction to the liquorice, but Raphina explains that in Beartoggle things are a little different. *"We don't use anise for anything except cleaning the toilet, so I'm not used to the flavour."*

As they make their way closer, the vibrations are getting less frequent. Will, concerned that the umlauts might be under attack by someone on the river, flies on ahead to try and get a better look. As he approaches he sees another flash and this time he's able to see the source of the light: tongues of flame lick up from the trees. The rest of the group feel more tremors and faintly hear the sound of an explosion. Batthwack still isn't sure that it's not the sound of celebration. Gwen agrees, saying her brother would let off cannons to celebrate victories. Raphina suggests they could be lighting their farts on fire. *"Beartoggle is a crazy place"* says Batthwack.

Suddenly the tremors and flashes stop. Will can see glowing light up ahead and wonders if they should split up and do anything. Batthwack strains his ears and hears the sound of crackling flames. It's apparent that there is a large blaze in the camp of one sort or another. Gwen urges them to get over there and see what's going on, saying *"Let me just think about what my brother would do."* She says some of them could head straight for the camp, and then the others flank it on the left and right. Will suggests he fly overhead to direct everyone as he's not an *"attack-through-the-woods person."* Gwen wonders if he could turn into something scary like a werewolf, but Will's not sure that it's in his repertoire.

They proceed cautiously towards the camp, scanning the trees for signs of anything unusual. The sound of the crackling flames intensifies as they get closer. Eventually when they're close enough to be able to peer into the natural dale that is the site of the camp, they are dismayed to see that the whole thing is on fire. Homes are pulverised and scattered about and motionless figures are strewn about on the ground. It is eerily silent, apart from the fire cracking. The centre of the clearing is still occupied by the cauldron, which seems to be bubbling away.

Gwen, Batthwack and Raphina run forward to check the bodies while Will flies up to try and see what may have been the cause of this. Raphina and Gwen find dead bodies, but Batthwack discovers an umlaut still breathing. Turning them over, they see Batthwack and begin purring, but he can't understand them of course. He uses his *Lay on Hands* ability to heal them, their burned flesh magically closing up and mending. He and Raphina move around looking for others who are still alive.

Preparing to cast *Speak with Dead*, Gwen takes out a piece of gary leaf and eats it. She casts the spell, which smells of liquorice. Raphina sniffs the air and thinks someone must be cleaning toilets. The deceased umlaut's face animates slightly as the spell takes effect. Gwen asks *"What happened?"* The umlaut replies *"Attacked."* *"Do you know who what attacked you?"* she asks. *"Dragon"* replies the umlaut and Gwen gasps. She continues, *"What colour was the dragon?"* *"Orange."* It's clear to the group that this was the same dragon who had terrorised Morrow's Inlet. *"Did the dragon say anything when it attacked you?"* she asks. *"Yes"* replies the umlaut. *"What did the dragon say when it attacked you?"* *"Change abounds"* says the umlaut before the life falls out of their face.

Will swoops over towards the river and, in the darkness, sees a faint light below that he thinks may be a fire. He can hear the river below him. He flies down closer, the darkness helping to mask his approach. Upon closer inspection he finds it is a fire on the beach by the riverside. Hilula is there, weapon drawn, looking very panicked. Will watches for a while. Hilula is looking towards the forest in the direction of the camp, then turning and running towards the shore, then turning back.

Will flies down and asks her *"What happened?"* Startled by his sudden appearance, Hilula says *"Will! What's happening?!"* She sounds panicked. Will asks her what's going on and Hilula falteringly tells him that the dragon attacked and started blowing things up and that the lizards bolted. She says she didn't know whether to go after them or try to find the rest of the party. Will mutters under his breath *"Why did we leave you with the lizards?"* Then shouting, he says *"Who decided to keep you with us? You're useless!"* Hilula tries to defend herself, saying she can't speak with animals like Raphina can. The mention of Raphina seems to trigger something in Will. He asks her if she has any magic to protect herself or help them in any way. She says she only has her weapon as she turns begins heading towards the woods. Will doesn't think she's lying.

Meanwhile, Gwen and Raphina have finished scouring the camp, but unfortunately haven't been able to find any more survivors. From the number of bodies, it seems as though most of the umlauts perished here. Batthwack has stabilised the umlaut he was helping. Gwen hands Raphina a piece of gary leaf and eating it she hears the umlaut saying *"It was a dragon! Get away! It might come back. It came from nowhere."* Raphina asks if there's somewhere safe they can take them and the umlaut tells them of another village some ways down the river. They say that they usually trek through the forest to reach it. Raphina tells them about the lizards.

Gwen asks if they should make the stew, but the umlaut says there isn't much point now, but it is good. The thought of it seems to encourage the umlaut. Raphina suggests that it may help them heal. Gwen goes up to the cauldron, and into the roiling, boiling soup, she throws in the ingredients they collected: the four-leaf clovers, the badger meat and the hair. Immediately, without having to stir it or anything, it begins bubbling even more vigorously. The opaque brown colour immediately bubbles away, leaving a sparkling, bubbling, clear liquid. They can see right to the bottom of the pot. A rich, savoury aroma suddenly wafts up as well.

Batthwack wonders why the dragon didn't attack Morrow's Inlet. Gwen can't understand why it chose to attack the umlauts, who seem so peaceful and harmless. Raphina hopes that it's not because the party was here.

Back at the river, Will sarcastically says to Hilula *"No magic huh? How do you plan on bringing Raphina in?"* Hilula stops in her tracks and turns around. *"What?"* Will repeats the question. Hilula seems confused, and says that Raphina's helping her get back to Beartoggle. Will walks towards her and Hilula backs away. He casts *Detect Thoughts* on her and reads from her surface thoughts that she's scared. He asks her if she ever spoke to Selenia as they were alone together before she ran away and got killed. Hilula says not really, she thought Will knew her better than anybody. Will continues to walk menacingly towards her as he continues to read her thoughts. *"What does he know?"* she thinks. Will continues to press her. *"So Beartoggle guards don't have any magic? They just send pathetic people, who can't do anything, out into the world to find dangerous criminals?"* Hilula, no longer able to hide the fear in her voice, says *"What are you talking about? What's going on? Where is everybody?"* Will continues to get closer and mocks her for sounding scared. Hilula says *"Okay, um... I'm going to go towards the village,"* but before she can move, Will jumps her and grabs her. *"Will, what are you doing?!"* Will says *"Bye, Hilula"* and takes off into the air with her.

Hilula initially does her best to get Will off her, but once they're about 20 feet in the air, she clutches onto him tightly. *"Let go of me!"* Will growls, but otherwise remains quiet. They're pretty high now, and Will turns to fly downstream. Hilula blusters and gabbles, apologising for letting the lizards go, pleading to be put down, and promising anything in return. As Will cold-heartedly ignores her, Hilula begins sobbing. Will is feeling slightly conflicted; he wants to protect the group, but there are a lot of things going through his head from the past couple of weeks.

Hilula continues sobbing and pleading for her life, offering Will money. *"It's so lame that you think this is about money!"* Hilula's sobbing just descends into repeated pleas for mercy. Suddenly Will lets out an irritated growl, causing Hilula to grab on even tighter. However, something has clicked in Will's mind. He grabs her arm, but instead of tossing her, he turns and begins flying towards the camp, still lit by fire in the dark moonless night. Hilula, still terrified, holds on tightly.

Back at the camp, it's now clear that there's no-one else to be saved. Batthwack pulls a spoon out of his mess kit, climbs up a set of stairs erected alongside the cauldron and tastes the stew. Gwen is looking thoughtful and a little concerned, thinking about Raphina's comment that they may have brought this destruction on the umlauts. *"This dragon is saying 'change abounds'. I'm a little bit worried because I was told, by someone I trust, that you guys are agents of good, to bring change to this land. So is this 'change abounding' what we're doing? Is this related?"* Raphina brushes it off.

Batthwack finds the stew to be completely delicious and a pleased expression comes across his face. Then suddenly, Batthwack exclaims *"Whoa!"* as a shock of brown hair shoots up from the top of his head, right in the centre of his crown.

## Quotes

* Raphina: *"Do you know what a werecrow is? ... Oh! Raven! Wereraven! I got the name wrong."*
Mo: *"Up there! There raven!"* (pointing at a tree with a blackbird in it)
* Raphina: *"Lots of worms like to push nuts around here, apparently. "*
Gwen: *"Oh dear. I've pushed a nut or two in my time!"*

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Raphina. She suggests that if the umlauts are under attack, then they'll get to keep the badger skin, which is a silver lining. Mo's confused. He's never seen silver inside a badger. He says he should know because when he eats a badger he eats everything. Raphina: *"But how big of a bite do you take?"* Mo: *"Little nibble. That is how you eat badger. You do not take big bite out of badger."* Abby: *"Use grapefruit spoon!"*
* See John Cage's *4:33* on Wikipedia
* Eric uses the phrase *"Thank you Will. May I have another?"* when Will is berating Hilula. This is a reference to the 1978 film "Animal House," when the Omega house is doing their initiations. In the movie, an older brother is paddling the pledges, and the pledge (Kevin Bacon in his first role) responds with that line. See https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIZoVO8ZyyQ
* See Lemmy Koopa and Ludwig von Koopa on the Mario wiki!
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: stupendous.

## References

1. ↑ Abby tells us *"Raphina has done a degree in economics at the Beartoggle University."*
2. ↑ Strahd had wolves when they first met him, see episode 11: New Friends, or BIFF! SPLAT! GUANO! and they were attacked by wolves at the burgomaster's mansion, see episode 13: My Necro-Sense is Tingling
3. ↑ See episodes 88: The One Where Eric's Bein' All Strict and Shit and 89: No, No, Just a Plain Old Punch
4. ↑ See episode 237: "YoU'vE CoNviNcEd mE"
5. ↑ See episode 209: Various Brick Sounds
6. ↑ See episode 223: Don't Smell The Past, Smell The Future!
7. ↑ KT explained Will's mental state at this point: *"There's a lot of bad stuff going on, this is the tip of the iceberg. I've been thinking about this for a while. It doesn't make sense that Hilula is still with us; Will would not allow this person who is betraying the group and going behind our backs and causing a lot of trouble. I've been trying to think of ways to get rid of her but every other way I can think of means she will get to Beartoggle before or after us and will cause problems. Will being this person that I know he is, but hasn't really been in this game so far... he's gonna drop her in the woods!"*
8. ↑ Eric described it as having hints of roasted pork and celery!