Fake TPOT 48: Soon As We May/part 1

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.

"**Soon As We May**" is the non-canon forty-eighth episode and the season finale of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 10 January 1990. Since TPOT 2 has already been released, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

I was considering a large number of titles before settling on this simple one (which some might misread as "finale" at first—wordplay at its most mediocre): My first choice was "**Win, Lose or... Oh, Heck, It's Done**", until I remembered that Pen plays a smaller rôle in this episode than in previous ones. Then I wanted to call it "**The Power of Who?**" before I realized I'd get complaints saying I should have called it "The Power of *Whom*". Just like with the other episodes, a full list of old/alternate titles can be found on the List of episode titles page.

Author's note: Oh, goodness, we're already in the nineties. Fun fact: this is the only episode this season that was released in this decade. But like most things in 1990... it's still pretty much the '80s.

Author's note #2: Oh yeah, this episode will be long. There's a long-standing tradition in BFDI that the last episode of each season is longer than the others. This is also true for BFDIA (episode 5e) and IDFB (episode 1)!

Author's note #3 (14 May 2023): Since we're exactly one week away from hitting the "I've been writing this fanfic for two years" mark, I've decided to make a few changes to this episode. Namely, I'm going to change its title and finish it. We are entering a new age, peoples! This episode used to be called "Finally!!".

Description if this were on YouTube:

Aha! It's the end!

We never knew it was going to happen, but here we are!

Previous episode: "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" (part of "Pencil? Two? Oh.")

## Opening scenes, *10 November 1989*

### **Interplanetary Travel Office, Equation Playground**

**Scene**Cinematic fade in from black. The camera pans down to reveal a large, antique display with hundreds of keys numbered in various embossed or chiselled ways (like a barely-functioning vending machine in the lobby of a student dormitory). Each key has a label underneath it (much like those that introduced the recommended characters in BFDI) written in the Algebralien language. As soon as the camera reaches the tiled floor, it pans to the right to show the algebralien **Six** sat on one of those chairs that are often found in doctors' waiting rooms. They're absorbed in reading a newspaper—the entire text on which is in Algebralien. On the front page (visible to the audience) is a large image showing several objects standing on the Berlin Wall in Germany, Earth. Enter **Ten**—the real integer, not the fake combination of Two and Five—from a room in the back, carrying a clipboard.

Note that all the dialogue in this scene is in Algebralien and has been animated accordingly; it has only been translated into English so that those who speak it can understand it better.
* **Ten**: Morning, Six.
* **Six**: [*not looking up*] Can't talk, I'm busy watching the Hini Display.
* **Ten**: No, you're not, you're reading the *Earth Globe*.
* **Six**: It's interesting! Besides, I get paid either way.
* **Ten**: True, you've got the best job on the Playground. Numbers, vares and objects all around, please welcome the guardian of *our* Hini. /s

[*Ten walks to the front desk of the office, where* **Three** *(the ever-choleric secretary, first seen in XFOHV) sits, watching* Live with Three-gis and Ka-three Lee *on television.*]

* **Three**: That Three-gis can really tickle the ivories. Not.
* **Ten**: Hi, Three.
* **Three**: [*bored*] Hi.
* **Ten**: By any chance do you know what today is?
* **Three**: Let me guess: the day United Numbers of Benetton make you pose with a zipper over your mouth.
* **Ten**: Can't you go one day without being rude? Don't forget I can get the boss over here just like that.

[*Three immediately changes his demeanour.*]

* **Three**: Oh. Date coming up right away, Ten. [*looks at the round calendar*] Uh, today is... [*reading each digit, one by one*] 2037.860321...
* **Ten**: Earth calendar, Ten.
* **Three**: [*scoffs*] Does it say "Terrestrial" on my passport? /s You know, as an integer you stink.
* **Ten**: Intch, please!

[*Ten metaphorically shoos Three away and turns to Six, who waves their newspaper at him.*]

* **Six**: It's the tenth of November, Ten. Your day! [*laughs a bit*]
* **Ten**: [*looks down at their clipboard*] Oh no. No. No-no-no-no-no!
* **Three**: [*mockingly*] What? What? Wha-wha-wha-wha-what?

[*Ten gives Three a dirty look and rushes to the Hinitotchi-ho-corassa, the large structure Six is sitting next to.*]

* **Ten**: Six!
* **Six**: Hello.
* **Ten**: Hear any weird beeps from the Hini Display yet?
* **Six**: No, why? Someone's travel visa expiring?
* **Ten**: Yes... [*looks down at their clipboard*] Today!
* **Six**: Ooh, a real *hille-souritchi-yimiqui-yissoucaïssou séritchimi-yicaïmiri-yiqui-yissou*! Who is it?
* **Ten**: You know that goes against protocol! I can only say that they're living on Earth, nothing else. [*gestures towards the ceiling*]
* **Six**: Come on, you can say it real quiet. Doubt the number upstairs will hear you.
* **Ten**: Alright. [*whispers*] It's Two.
* **Six**: It's *who?*

[*Ten looks up again.*]

* **Ten**: It's Two*OOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*The intro plays for the last time ever.*]

### **Flat 6, Fovitwe, Earth: Black Hole and Remote** – Morning

**Scene**Earth. The first rays of the sun peek out from behind the distant mountains, casting a golden glow over the Fovitwe. A gentle breeze ruffles the grass, and the wind rustles through the branches of the nearby trees. This scene opens inside Black Hole and Remote's flat. The curtains are drawn and only a small amount of sunlight enters the room, making it much darker than outside.

Zoom in on the bed where **Remote** is sleeping, separated from **Black Hole**, who rests right next to it. The "tail end" of the former is plugged into an American-to-British plug adapter, which is, in turn, connected to a socket in the wall next to the bed. Suddenly, a bizarre voice breaks the silence, broadcasting an announcement to her main system.
* **Remote's Inside**: Charged and upgraded. Charged and upgraded.

[*Remote sits up immediately and speaks with a slightly different voice to what we are accustomed to.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hell yes.

#### Bathroom

[*Remote gets up from the bed and walks to the bathroom.*]

* **Remote's Inside**: Charged.

[*Beat.*]

* **Remote's Inside**: And upgraded.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I heard you the first two times, thank you.

[*Remote looks in the mirror. As this is a vaguely special episode, the camera wobbles a bit, as if a non-robotic cameraman is stood right behind her. Suddenly, Remote opens herself to reveal the inner workings of her mechanical mind. It looks like the inside of a remote control.*]

* **Remote's Inside**: Thank you for opening up. You have been charged for... 77 days... and your battery capacity percentage is at... 1,000%.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Great, I can live for 77 more years.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*from the other room*] Hey, Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Gasp. It's him. [*closes herself*]

#### Living room

[*Remote hurries into the living room, where* **Black Hole** *is awake.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Black Hole. Good morning to you, kind sir.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hi, Remote. By any chance, do you know what today is?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Should I really tell you?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Mm, I don't know. That sounds like a bad idea for me to find out. All the guilt of missing out on everything, and all.

[*Remote heads to the window and cleans the dust from the table with her laser eyes.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Have you always been able to do that? I mean, changing your voice like that.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Not until today, I guess. Must be the upgrade that woke me up.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, that's why I woke up too. When I heard your voice in my sleep, I assumed you were in trouble, so I got up to make sure you were okay.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: How sweet.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Nothing.

[*Remote turns around, faces the window and sighs.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So why did you want to know what day it is? Is it the TPOT finale?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, it's just this dream I had.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You dream?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes. In this one, I was sitting in this home cinema, watching the BFDI finale. You know, the original one. It must have been a marathon put together by a disgruntled employee, because I watched it almost 8,000 times in a row. It really made me think.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I like when you think.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Do you remember that coincidence in the first season, where certain words spoken during it, contained a secret message? Isn't there something like that in our series?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ha, was that really your dream?

[*Black Hole nods (by moving up and down).*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm too bland to possibly win this.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, you're not. Come on, let me see what got into you.

[*Remote and Black Hole look up and remember the first spoken word of the first episode, the second spoken word of the second episode, the third spoken word of the third episode* etc. *This leads to a flashback that will surely get skipped in later broadcasts.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sounds like nonsense.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, that is pretty much our show.

[*Remote opens the blinds.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ah. The, the brightness.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Now, what in your right mind possessed you to think of that?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I don't know. It must have been those two guys at the start of the episode. There was Eraser, and... I forgot the other one.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Already?

[*A loud, rhythmic knock.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Don't you hate it when you forget your dreams so quickly? There's got to be a, a cutoff point or something.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I would if I had a memory like yours, ha. Ha.

[*Remote jokingly taps her battery compartment and opens the door. On the other side is* **Pen**, *who smiles big.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's your guy.
* **P****en**: Eyyy! Remote! [*hugs her*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Not too tight, man; I'll report you to Pencil. /j
* **P****en**: [*lets go*] D'aww, sorry, I can't help it! [*sees Black Hole approaching the door way*] Black Hole! We really missed you guys on the other side of the door.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Always nice to see a friendly face after a long night's sleep.
* **P****en**: Yeah buddy!

[*Pen reaches out for a hug, but his arm ends up spaghettified (as in BFB 1).*]

* **P****en**: H'h'hoo! Think I just undid eleven months of arm workouts, eh?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sorry.
* **P****en**: No worries, I have the metabolism of a Yellowbird, as a matter of fact. [*retracts his arm*] Sleep well?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I sure did.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Same. I even got an upgrade.
* **P****en**: That's terrific! Y'know, I've been sitting outside your flat since dawn.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Why, why would you do that?
* **P****en**: Last night at our Berlin Wall party, Sam said to me, "If Uncle Black Hole was there, he'd just suck the whole thing up!" [*claps*] Isn't that the cutest thing you've ever heard? My kids are so compassionate. They know we all love having yous in our lives. They really live up to the  name, I can tell ya that.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: ?
* **P****en**: That's our kids' new last name, remember?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Fascinating.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: This compartment stores all. But what happened at the Berlin Wall?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm curious too, if I may. Um, what is today?
* **P****en**: The tenth!

[*Black Hole and Remote look at each other.*]

* **P****en**: Haha, you guys rhymed!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It is almost definitely time. [*Beat.*] -d.
* **P****en**: Eyy.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*going*] Quick, we'd better see what's up with Two.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'll float you over. You'll have to excuse us, Pen.

[*Exeunt* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote**, *quickly.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*off-screen*] And pact.

### **Outside Flat 6**

**Scene**View of outside, where Pen is standing with some of Remote's and Black Hole's friends: **Tree**, **Gregg**, **Marker** and **Pie**. (Lightning is with his boyfriend, Fanny hates gatherings and Pherre prefers to idle in the background this episode.) They watch Black Hole fly Remote off; Pie immediately rips the "Do not disturb" sign from the door.
* **Pi****e**: So, Ben, did your nice little wake-up call work?
* **P****en**: What do you think, eh? They were outside faster than the East Germans were in Czechoslovenia!
* **Ma****r****ker**: You must have scared them off, *fætter*.
* **P****en**: I know.

[*Pen hangs his head in near-fake embarrassment. A hand enters the frame and slaps him lightly.*]

* **P****en**: Thank you, Tree. I totally deserve that.
* **T****r****e****e**: That wasn't me.
* **P****en**: [*looks up*] Gregg, how could you? We're both paisanos.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: I'm from Greece!
* **P****en**: Well, you guys don't have a word for that!
* **Pi****e**: Hold up, party people. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
* **Ma****r****ker**: Probably not.
* **Pi****e**: If Black Hole and Remote get to Two first, their chances of winning may increase.

[**Pillow** *appears out of nowhere.*]

* **Pill****ow**: I concur! And all we have to do is kill the opposition!
* **T****r****e****e**: Pie, you can't be serious about this.
* **Pi****e**: As serious as Forge Harrison is in the Traveling Wilburys.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: Wow, that's very serious.
* **Pi****e**: By arriving early, those two will receive a much lighter punishment for not winning, and I'm sure Two wouldn't want to punish anybody too harshly on a finale day.
* **T****r****e****e**: Good point. I've a weakness for punctuality, and I doubt Golf Ball cares as much about a possible victory as those two do, especially at this hour.
* **Ma****r****ker**: I wonder what GB's doing now!
* **Pill****ow**: I wonder if Clairol works on pillowcases.

[*Everyone looks at Pillow, who suddenly vanishes into thin air.*]

### **Flat 7: Golf Ball (and family)**

**Scene**A very patriotic atmosphere has permeated the room. What was once **Golf Ball**'s ordinary shack is now filled to the brim with Golf Ball–related paraphernalia (photos, campaign materials, slogans *etc.*) in anticipation of a quick victory. Not even the thirteen other people who live in the flat with her can escape the patriotic fervour. Her husband **Tennis Ball**, as well as her technical friend **Basketball** (with **Grassy**), wear "Golf Ball for the win" buttons and ribbons. Despite being surrounded by this patriotic spirit, it's clear they're not as optimistic as she is—they meander in the background, making the living room look more like a U.S. presidential candidate's campaign headquarters than an actual place to live.
* **Golf Ball**: Well, my loyal supporters, this is it. *My* day of triumph.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Mm-hmm. GB, I still can't believe you're doing this.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: She'll never back down, guys.
* **Gra****ssy**: *Аз съм тревист!*
* **O****r****p****h****a**: I couldn't get any sleep last night 'cause of all your campaign noises!
* **Co****l****i****n**: Sucks to be you, Orph. Chris and I snuck out of here so we could... [*looks at the kids*] go to the P-U-B and drink some A-P-P-L-E J-U-I-C—
* **Ga****ty Not Related**: Daddy, you don't need to spell things out. Last night I was in Flat 10 with the guys from the team.
* **Co****l****i****n**: Aw, you were?
* **Chris Sr.**: [*facepalms*] Dude, we could have gone there instead!
* **Ga****ty Not Related**: [*whispering*] Yeah, but don't tell Grandma.

[*Golf Ball jumps up and shouts.*]

* **Golf Ball**: *Why is everyone so subversive and negative here?* I am 100% sure that we, I mean, *I* will win!
* **Treb****e****kka**: Wow, Gege, you're really positive.
* **Starletha**: The most optimistic I've ever seen you.
* **Golf Ball**: Should I be a pessimist, Starletha? The statistics point to a victory in my direction!
* **Cos****te****llo**: What are you talking about, Mrs. B?
* **Th****e****ol****a**: Shh, she's going to bring up math.
* **Cos****te****llo**: Whoops, gotta go. Come on, Mandy, Beck, let's hang up these posters on the other apartments.
* **Treb****e****kka**: Heck yeah!
* **A****m****a****n****d****a**: Sounds like vandalism... I like it!
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy will go also!

[*Exeunt.*]

* **Golf Ball**: I'm serious; the statistics are on my side. Even if people *say* they would rather vote for someone like Remote *or* Black Hole to make them seem like the bee's knees, they'll really choose *me* in the voting booth! It's the perfect way to win, ha, ha! Just by being me, ha, ha!

[*Everyone looks at Golf Ball, shocked that she could say such a thing.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: That's not a real nice way of looking at it, GB.
* **Starletha**: Yeah, this is not the race for California governor.

[*Golf Ball blinks.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Crushed again! Ò... ù... well... I still want everyone to do what I want of him!
* **Chris** **Jr****.**: What do you want of us, Grandma?
* **Golf Ball**: ***Did you seriously not get the memorandum?***
* **Chris** **Jr****.**: [*upset*] Wha? What'd I do?
* **O****r****p****h****a**: Aw, Critter, it's not your fault. Grandma just wants us all to teach the audience the words to her victory song.
* **Chris** **Jr****.**: Even Yxie? [*points at his cousin's crib*]

[*Beat.*]

* **O****r****p****h****a**: Okay, Mom, we need to talk about that.

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **Starletha**: [*over the others*] I will *not* have my baby be used for your personal gain, Golf Ball; she is only a month old!
* **Golf Ball**: I know, and I congratulate her on that. Being born, that is.

[*Starletha fumes.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Nevertheless, because Alyxandra is only 39 days old, which is an extremely small number compared to the total of 155,756 days that all members of this household have been alive in total, she will only be required to teach the words to at least one person. This is, of course, taking into account the size of the audience present at this Cake at Stake, which I predict to be 1,359 individuals, obviously the number of those present at the last final-episode Cake at Stake at which *I* was present, back in season 1, if you'll all check your required-reading Ball Family mathematics textbooks.
* **Th****e****ol****a**: [*Aside, to Basketball.*] This is why I chose public school.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: But Golf Ball, you'd need an audience of at least 1,996 for Yxa to have to talk to greater than or equal to one person. So if the audience is small enough, or less than 46.9% larger than the size you expect, she may not have to talk to anyone at all.
* **O****r****p****h****a**: Uh, also because she's a baby.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oh yeah, that too. [*Aside.*] I am so embarrassed. [*Aloud.*] Hey, how about we sing Golf Ball's victory song now and hope everyone on the Fove hears it?

[*Beat.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Potentially helpful, yet instructive alternative idea.
* **Chris** **Jr****.**: I didn't know you liked to sing, Granddad.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I sing in church.
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, your grandfather blesses all of Iowa Lutherandom with his formidable vocal delivery. Someone call Amy Plant. /s
* **Chris Sr.**: Can we just sing already?
* **Co****l****i****n**: [*bored*] Yeah, but let's try not to endanger any hearing organs.
* **Golf Ball**: ***A-one! And a-two! And a-three!***

[*Golf Ball suddenly coughs from constantly speaking loudly, and a song begins to be played. During this scene, all the voices of the individual characters* *(except for the solos from the Balls properly so called) have been replaced by the voices of a real choir, as befits a finale of such a programme.*]

**Victory song: This Dimpled Lady Resolute**

**Vocalist(s)**: Golf Ball and Chorus

**Immediate family members**: ♫ This dimpled lady resolute

Has ceased her well drawn-out pursuit

To win Two's powers, grand in size;

She's vanquished others—no surprise.

Sing her adherers from the States,

Whom she affectlessly dictates:

"Oh, Mrs. Ball, a radiant star,

Superior to the rest by far!"

For those who try to block her way

Will face their foreseen doom today.

**Friends and family members beyond immediacy**: As GB rises to the crest,

It's plain to see that she's the best.

**Golf Ball**: It's plain to see that I'm the best!

**All**: Hail, O Golf Ball, the winner of us all!

To gain our number's prizes, above the cast she rises!

With her wit and skill,

She has raught her thrill—

The crowd will you cheer,

As you inspire fear;

To the TPOT champ, the powers fly—

Hip-hurrye! To your victo*rye*!

Hip-hurrye! To your victo*rye*!

**Choir**: Much higher than her kinfolk dear:

Her husband wise, TB—

**T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I'm here!

**Choir**: Her children three from 'round the world

Have rightfully her flag unfurled.

It's true that she has fewer fans

Compared with others; though she plans

To bring them down—her aim's to earn

Their full respect and make them learn:

What she has tane from this broadcast

Is not a friendship or a blast—

**Golf Ball**: What will surely bring a smile to my face

Is a triumph, and it's mine to embrace!

**Choir**: A triumph she will sure embrace!

**All**: Hail, O Golf Ball, the winner of us all!

To gain our number's prizes, above the cast she rises!

With her wit and skill,

She has raught her thrill—

The crowd will you cheer,

As you inspire fear;

To the TPOT champ, the powers fly—

Hip-hurrye! To your victo*rye*!

Hip-hurrye! To your victo*rye*!

**[** Your · **Golf Ball**: My **]** vic-to-*rye*! ♫

### **Crescentia Tepe → Fovitwe Arena**

**Scene**As Golf Ball's song of victory ends, the audio fades out as the camera virtually leaves the overpopulated flat and travels across the Fovitwe to the centre of the set, where **Two** can be seen, still having a nap on top of the sculpture in the middle of the Cake at Stake place.
* **Two**: [*snoring*] *Khhhhh.* *Zwei-zwei-zwei-zwei-zwei.*

[*Enter* **Clock**, **Kosrae**, **Cake**, **Winner** *and* **Liy**. *The latter is wearing a waterproof parka.*]

* **Two**: *Khhhhh.* *Zwei-zwei-zwei-zwei-zwei.*
* **Winner**: See, I told you they'd be snoring in German.
* **Li****y**: That number is very topical.
* **C****a****ke**: Maybe we should be quieter.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: *Le* hogwash. I know the perfect way to get Two up. *Hey, Two!*

[*Two does not react.*]

* **Two**: *Khhhhh.* *Zouj-zouj-zouj-zouj-zouj.*
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*pogs*] Ò!
* **Ko****s****r****ae**: I don't think you're being loud enough, dear.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Okay. ***HEY, TWO!***

[*Enter* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote** *from the other side of the Tec.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What up.

[*Soni exspectati of greeting.*]

* **C****a****ke**: Hi hi!
* **Winner**: Nice, you're finally awake!
* **Ko****s****r****ae**: Did you sleep well for the finale?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Eh, we've had better 77-day periods. Oh, hi, Liy.
* **Li****y**: Hey.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What's the parka for?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: She's doesn't know that it's 22° outside.
* **C****a****ke**: Seems warmer than that.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's Celsius, Cake.
* **C****a****ke**: Ah. [*Beat.*] I am a Yankee in both senses.
* **Li****y**: Well, I've only arrived from Sweden a few minutes ago. Today's the day of the TPOT finale, isn't it? It's all over the *Morgonbladet*; I read it in my cell.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I knew it. Didn't you know it, Black Hole?

[*Black Hole nods.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: See, he totally, like, knew it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*off-screen, below*] Oi, that's my thing! Also good morning, Remote; I thought you were dead!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Did you say "cell"? Anyway... what are you all doing up here?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: We're trying to wake Two up, but it's not working. It is absolutely imperative that we have an awake host for the finale.
* **Li****y**: I mean, it's not *imperative*...
* **Two**: [*snoring*] *Khhhhh.* *Two-two-two-two-two.*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Maybe one of you should try saying their name.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I did that repeatedly!
* **Winner**: I think he means like this. [*calmly*] Two.

[*Two wakes up immediately.*]

* **Two**: ***TONCOUNI-TANAÏMITCHI-CHITCHICHITCHI-TOTOTCHIHITCHI-MOTCHIMITCHIMOTCHI-QUITCHIRITCHI-TOTOTCHIMICHITCHI-RITCHIHITCHI-RANATCHITO-TANAÏQUÉTOTOÏQUÉ-MOTCHITOTOTCHI-CHITCHICHITCHINOU!***
* **C****a****ke**: Good morning, Two!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Why didn't you wake up when *I* said your name?
* **Two**: Because I don't listen to you. How long have I been asleep?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Do I look like a timekeeper? [*scoffs*]

[*Exit* **Clock**, *grumbling. The others follow him, leaving Black Hole and Remote behind.*]

* **Two**: Okay, the last day I remember being awake was when I came and told you about the Cake at Stake procedure.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's when we went to bed too.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That means you've slept for 77 days. It's now November 10th.
* **Two**: Perfect! That is the exact day of the fi—

[*Two stops in their tracks and their eyes grow wide.*]

* **Two**: Oh no! That's the day I have to do something!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You mean like prize preparations? Cake at Stake?
* **Two**: Sure, but this thing's got nothing to do with you two! You two wouldn't understand! [*stops and giggles*] I said my name. Twice. Remote, Black Hole, I've got to find the nearest phone box and make about 222 separate phone calls. [*going*] Don't let the show go on without me, yeah?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But Two.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We're just finalists, remember?
* **Two**: Don't host then. I'll raise the set and make it into an arena! Yeah, I- I'll, I'll do that right now so nobody else has to! And there's an index card with directions in case you want to prepare for Cake at Stake, which you probably should be doing!

[*Two suddenly waves their arms and the sound of land lifting by the actions of a green number is heard. Black Hole and Remote look around to see if anything has changed in the scene, but there is nothing. They look at the spot where* **Two** *once stood (or hovered whilst using their powers) and see that they have disappeared.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, Remote... it's just you and me up here.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah. Peace and quiet.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: My favourite.

[*Awkward silence.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Want to go down?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*relieved*] I thought you'd never ask.

#### Tec Pulcussar Fixture

[*Black Hole orbitizes Remote and they descend from the Tec Pulcussar together. By now there is a change in the landscape brought about by Two: the Fovitwe has been transformed into a full-scale arena, with several rows of amphithreatre-style seating for a final Cake at Stake audience of thousands. The flats at the edge of the former grassy area have been turned into posts, marking the top of this brand new arrangement. As "Backed Vibes - Clean" plays (as in the BFDI finale), the camera pans around the arena in 360° rotation, capturing the shocked expressions of some of the contestants as they emerge from their homes.*]

* **[** **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e** · **R****e****m****ot****e** **]**: Wow.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: When Two decorates...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Two decorates.

[*Black Hole abruptly flies downwards.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Whee.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sorry.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Let's catch up with the pact.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sure, maybe they can give us tips on what to wear later.

[*Exeunt.*]

#### Outside Flat 29

[**Donut** *walks out the door without noticing the change outside; he looks and speaks inwards to his wife,* **Crêpe Suzanne**, *who does not appear on screen.*]

* **Donut**: Yeah, Suzie, I'll remember the cream. Cheese, right?
* **S****u****z****i****e**: What else is there?
* **Donut**: Got it, love you!

[*Donut closes the door and nearly slips on the giant staircase.*]

* **Donut**: Whoa! [*looks around*] Eish, Two really went all out.

#### Tec Pulcussar Fixture

[**Donut** *approaches the Tec Pulcussar, now merely a fixture in the centre of the Two-raised arena, where he comes across* **Barf Bag**. *She stands in front of* **Fries** *and* **Balloony** *and* **Cloudy***'s family of* **Rocky** *and* **Nickel**, *all of whom look as confused as she and Donut do.*]

* **Barf** **Bag**: Hi, Donut?
* **Donut**: Hey, Barf Bag? Gentlemen?
* **Cloudy**: It's a lovely finale morning, Donut?
* **Donut**: It is?
* **Nic****k****el**: Hi?
* **Donut**: Hello, Nickel?
* **Roc****ky**: [*vomits*] Bulleh?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Okay, can we stop with the questioning tone in our voices? [*Beat.*] *Verdomme*, I'm doing it too!
* **Balloony**: Haha, ye all sound like ye'r fae Belfast.

[*Enter* **Lightning**, *who flies in speedily with* **Mini Cyclone**, *as though racing.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Ha! I got here first!
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: Darn.
* **Donut**: Hello, Lightning, MC.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: I heard my hometown mentioned.
* **Cloudy**: You're just as shocked about this change in scenery as the rest of us are?

[**Fries** *facepalms; exit.*]

* **Barf** **Bag**: So... has anyone seen Two around?
* **Balloony**: Nah, I've not.
* **Cloudy**: Neither have I.
* **Nic****k****el**: Maybe we're looking too low. I bet they're up the air, doing a recover hover from what they caused.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: What have they caused?
* **Nic****k****el**: The earthquake in San Francisco, Lightning. /s
* **Cloudy**: Since when were you the sarcastic one?

[*Everyone looks up and sees* **Puffball** *floating happily. She stops as soon as she sees eight pairs of eyes (plus Mike's third eye and debatably Donut's hole) looking up at her.*]

* **Puffball**: Uh, uh, uh, don't forget that I can *fly!* [*does a cartwheel in the air*]
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: Now, we can say for sure that Two's not up there. ***HI, PUFFBALL!*** [*waves*]
* **Donut**: [*sighs*] That host might as well be dead to us, alright. I guess it's time I did what I seem to love doing. Again.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: What's that?
* **Donut**: Ordering the perfect breakfast at the Ugandan Jewish Deli in Tew's Market, Ligh—/s oh, wait, that's actually true. Remind me to do that later, won't you?
* **Barf** **Bag**: I think he means hosting.
* **Donut**: But I don't *want* to host! [*stamps his foot*]
* **Barf** **Bag**: Easy, with that tantrum you're starting to sound like the old Coiny.
* **Balloony**: And you're kind of being an ill example for the weans.
* **Cloudy**: Maybe this isn't something we want to see. Right, family?
* **Nic****k****el**: Aw!

[*Rocky barfs in disapproval. Exeunt* **Balloony**, **Cloudy**, **Nickel** *and* **Rocky**.]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Come on, Donny Holes-mond, you'd make a great comeback as emcee!
* **Donut**: Maybe back then, like BFB in the '70s, but this is a finale. I'm clearly not suited for moderating in the position I'm in. [*points at himself*]
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Which position?
* **Donut**: Bzwht!

[*Donut waves his fingers at* **Lightning**, *causing him and* **Mini Cyclone** *to float away. Pause.*]

* **Donut**: That's the sound of an angry donut, in case you—
* **[** **Donut** · **Barf** **Bag** **]**: Didn't notice.
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: [*floating off*] Whoa, how is that working?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Don't know; your winds are clearly stronger than his are.

[*Donut sighs and sits down. He looks at the index card for a moment before hastily placing it near the bottom of the Tec.*]

* **Barf** **Bag**: I swear, if this dramatic dual disappearance is a part of a forty-eighth challenge that we *all* have to do...
* **T****V**: Hi, guys.

[*Barf Bag and Donut turn around and see* **TV**, **Yellow Face** *and* **Robot Flower** *wandering onto the scene.*]

* **Yellow Face**: We hope we're not interrupting things!
* **Donut**: Ah! Yellow Face, TV!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: And Robot Flower!
* **Donut**: I don't think I've said your name before. Anway, you three, host! The index card's right here, just read off it and follow the directions—bye! Come on, Barb, let's get some breakfast for us, you and Burnie, huh?

[*Donut is about to jump onto the Cake at Stake centrepiece.*]

* **T****V**: Wait, Donut, we're not here to host.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: We're here to warn you.
* **Yellow Face**: That's why we arrived here so *FRANTICALLY!*

[*Donut stops himself.*]

* **Donut**: What are you talking about?

[*Enter a mob of* **eliminated contestants**, *more specifically, of all those who did not yet speak in this episode.*]

* **G****at****y**: You know how all the gossip mags I've been delivering say the last Cake at Stake of TPOT's today? Well, everybody who reads them seems to have taken a couple of planes to get here early. Also... hi, Donut.
* **Donut**: Hi.
* **Barf** **Bag**: How early are we talking here? Red-eye flights, or what?
* **E****g****gy**: Like, now.

[*Eggy turns and suddenly looks disappointed.*]

* **E****g****gy**: That would have been more dramatic if I had arms. Foldy?
* **F****old****y**: I don't have arms either. Bell? Oh, wait.
* **B****e****ll**: ♫ *Armless!* ♫
* **E****g****gy**: Okay, let me try again... Ice Cube?
* **Ice Cube**: Wha?
* **Need****le**: Obviously she means *now!*

[*Needle extends her arm to show thousands of recommended characters, relations* etc. *making their way into the arena. Some of them find a place to sit down, while others just milling about in a state of confusion (as was the case in the older episodes). Crowd sounds start to be heard.*]

* **Ar****esko**: What should we do?
* **N****a****ily**: This crowd is *wild*, mate!
* **Donut**: Uh, uh, uh, uh...
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: I like that plan already. It's got part of my name all over it!
* **Donut**: I- I'll tell you what: I want each of you to focus on a small part of the audience. Get those people to find a seat and make sure they stay put till Two gets back! Aaaand... break.

[*All disperse.*]

* **Eraser**: [*going*] Knew I shouldn't have gotten up before noon. Now I have to do *work*.
* **S****aw**: Too bad my handle-repainting appointment was yesterday, chh.

[*Silence. Donut looks at* **Snowball** *(who still has his two mouths from before). He stays behind, somewhat bemused.*]

* **Donut**: I guess I can vent to you, SB.
* **Snowball**: To hear thee, O Nut-of-dough, 'tis but a boon.
* **Donut**: Don't know how long the audience can stand it here, certainly not with all the eliminated in change. Some of these people have never even listened to Two! Not that I don't trust them, but... you know what I mean, Snowball?
* **Snowball**: Nay.
* **Donut**: Well, I hope it's not too long.
* **Snowball**: Idem for I, who mote hence in one day go. And thee?
* **Donut**: Uh... yeah. Our air tickets say we're out of here tomorrow.
* **French Narrator**: Three days later.

## Cake at Stake, *13 November 1989*

### **Fovitwe Arena** – Afternoon

**Scene**Three days later. The scene is much more organized, but also much more crowded. **Over 600,000 objects** (again, the recommended, related *etc.*) fill the concentric circles of the arena, sitting around the Tec Pulcussar. In the centre of the sculpture, high up in the arena, are five rows of large, comfortable chairs for all the eliminated contestants, who wander around—ostensibly keeping an eye on the new visitors. **Battery** and **Profily**, closest to the centre, are playing a bat-and-ball game with **Fanny**, using her as the ball.
#### Top of the Tec Pulcussar

* **Fan****ny**: [*going back and forth*] I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!

[*Meanwhile, in front of the first rows of seats in the arena.*]

* **Bot****tle**: [*taps Bomby on the shoulder*] When's Two coming back?
* **Bom****by**: Booming hell, why do you keep asking that *question?!*
* **B****o****k**: It must be another of Two's powers, you know, being able to hide from the greater public.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Why'd they have to use it now?

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**, *who smiles at the camera and stares into it for a while.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Ghah, Two, you're here! We weren't talking about you, heheh!
* **Two**: Hello, everybody! I hope you didn't mind my not being here for the final Cake at Stake! None of you hosted while I was away, have you?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Are you kidding? Most of us hardly noticed! We are several thousands, but the number of days is only three.
* **8****-****Ball**: [*sitting in one of the front seats*] I missed an important business meeting for this.
* **St****a****py**: I was meant to go to the doctor's yesterday!
* **Li****y**: I should be in jail!
* **Bracel****ety**: Please tell us the winner!
* **Barf** **Bag**: Yeah, um, most of the planes we were supposed to board left two days ago.
* **Co****i****ny**: Except for *our* private jet! Right, my sleeping cuspidate beauty?

[*Coiny nudges Pin, who is still asleep.*]

* **Need****le**: You haven't got a private jet.
* **Co****i****ny**: No, I only said that to make it look like I'm loaded.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: We want you to transmit it to us. Now, Two.
* **Two**: But I need to—
* **C****l****o****c****k**: ***TRANSMIT IT!***
* **Two**: [*unfazed*] I will do that. Okay. I mean, it is Cake at Stake.

[*Two stares at the camera.*]

* **Two**: There was supposed to be a Cake at Stake theme there.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: [*proudly*] We played it yesterday.
* **Two**: The dance remix?
* **B****atter****y**: Yeah, I even had my turntable out and everything. *Ottimo lavoro*, Tune!

[**Tune**, *that recommended character from BFDIA, gives Battery a thumbs up from one of the front seats.*]

* **Two**: I'm sorry about that, really, but I was on the phone with 222 people.
* **Co****i****ny**: You kept us here for a phone call? Well, I've got news for you, Two... YeFones are O-U-T *out!*
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yeah, these are almost the '90s. Nobody will use mobile telephones any more!
* **Puffball**: [*Aside.*] He has no idea. /s
* **Two**: But these were over 200 really important people! There was a little bureaucracy, a little embassy... a little choir.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: A choir? Ooh, are we being treated with a little songy-song action?

[*Two bows down a bit.*]

* **Two**: Yes. The last time I was awake I called for a choir made up of all the contestants you left before the start of our series to perform at today's Cake at Stake. I even sent little blue rockets to all their addresses and so forth. None of them responded within five minutes, so I assumed they ignored me and went to sleep.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: In that case, good morning. No wait, *bad* morning.
* **Two**: Always a pleasure to have you delaying the proceedings once more, Clock.
* **G****at****y**: I hate to be a Gaty gloom-monger here, but most of the proceedings were delayed by *you*, and, you know, how you weren't here.
* **Two**: [*positions their hands around their mouth like in Munch's* Scream] Ò!
* **S****aw**: Hey, hey now, hey, come on! So what if the contestants' choir aren't here? It's not like they were going to be any good anyway. I mean... we can still have a totally rad Cake at St***8***—I mean, Cake at Stake! [*to the audience*] ***Right, guys?***

[*Soni exspectati of half-hearted cheers. Everyone is clearly exhausted.*]

* **G****at****y**: I should mention that Saw just discovered how to connect with people. /j

[*From off-screen the naturally raspy sound of a throat being cleared can be heard. Everyone looks at the source except Two.*]

* **Voice**: What's everyone talking about? We've been here the whole time!
* **Two**: ***WHA?***

[*Two turns around and sees the* **fourteen contestants who stayed with Four for the rest of BFB**—*their invitations were indeed accepted. Each wear matching band shakos (hats) and Hawaiian "aloha shirts" of various sizes and stand with the stern, motionless posture of members of a marching band, led by* **Flower** *(who said that last line).* **Profily** *then rushes into the scene and Balloony hands them a uniform, which they hurriedly don. Meanwhile, the audience whisper to themselves.*]

* **B****o****k**: It's Lollipop and Taco!
* **Eraser**: Ey, yo, Blocky!
* **Roc****ky**: [*vomits in the shape of Woody*] Bulleh! [*Translation: "My brother!"*]
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, it's, like, Ruby and Bubble!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, hide me.

[*Two pogs and stands in front of Flower.*]

* **Two**: You... you all made it! I'm *too* proud of you!
* **Fl****ow****er**: Of course we made it! [*pushes them out of the way*] And make some room for us guests, will you?
* **Two**: Ooh, are you going to sing for us?
* **Fl****ow****er**: No, we're just going to stand here and look pretty. Or, in my case, indescribably gorgeous. [*turns around and faces the others*] *Pay attention!*

[*While Flower indistinctly gives out commands to her subordinates, the contestants talk among themselves. Taco in particular notices that Blocky and Woody are not standing as straight as everyone else.*]

* **T****a****c****o**: Into formation, men! Now's the time!
* **Blocky**: [*mockingly*] *Now's the time!* [*regular voice*] Gosh, Taco, I know that!
* **Woody**: Yeah, I wow wat two!
* **Blocky**: Woody, that was amazing, you adopted son-bro! I am so proud you think just like me! It's getting harder to find people like that, heh.
* **Le****a****f****y**: Oh, how I pity you and all the other recently divorced people in the world, Block-ball. [*waves her finger in Blocky's face*] You should have stayed together as the Good Book says, you know.
* **Blocky**: I know that, cattail, but I've only been divorced four times.
* **Spon****gy**: Can't keep a wife, can you? [*giggles at his expense*]
* **Blocky**: Why you little tall man!
* **Balloony**: I knew this reunion was a terrible idea.

[*Flower clears her throat loudly and, of course, raspily.*]

* **Fl****ow****er**: *Hit it, people!*
* **Spon****gy**: No, don't say that!
* **L****ose****r**: It's a figure of speech, Spongy.

[*Flower gives Spongy and Loser a quick death glare for interrupting her. She then starts waving her arms and to indicate the tempo.*]

* **Fl****ow****er**: A *one!* A *two!* [*points at Two, who smiles happily*] A *three, four, five!*

#### Top of the Tec: Musical moment

**Song: "Medley of Old Contestants' Favourites"**

**Vocalist(s)**: The fourteen contestants who ended up competing with Four during the 1972–73 portion of BFB

**Blocky**: ♫ Hoom-bup. Bumbadalah.

Hoom-bup. Bumbadalah.

**Blocky** **&** **Gela****tin**: Hoop-bup. Bumbadalah.

Hoom-bup. Bumbadalah. (**B****u****b****b****l****e** **&** **R****u****b****y**: Sis boom bah!)

[*The ex-contestants continue this a cappella beat for most of the song. Flower sings her solo, which happens to be this ode to plantkind from the future TV series* Yo Gabba Gabba!]

**Fl****ow****er**: Plants and flowers get their powers from water!

Flowers get their powers from water! (**Sopranos & Altos**: [*as though this were a Motown song*] Oo-oo-oo-whoo-ooh!)

A tiny little seed can grow super big—

All you have to do is give it a swig!

**Girls**: Of water! ♫

**Boys**: [*spoken*] *Of water!*

**Girls**: ♫ Of water! ♫

**Boys**: *Of water!*

**Pr****of****il****y**: *I don't have a part in that bit, heheh.*

**Girls**: ♫ Of water! ♫

**Boys**: *Of water!*

**Fl****ow****er**: *Take it away, Teardrop!*

[*A drum roll (made of timpani, of course) introduces Teardrop's text-to-speech voice for a third time in the show, and she begins to sing her one solo line in the entire medley.*]

**Teardrop**:  Of water.

[*One-note orchestral sting leading to applause and the beginning the second melody, a folk-pop song that was certainly popular during the BFB split. Leafy sings solo this time.*]

**Le****a****f****y**: ♫ I rode my bicycle past your window last night, (**Fi****r****ey**: *She's got a helmet on!*)

I roller-skated to your door at daylight. (**Fi****r****ey**: *She's got a helmet on!*)

It almost seems like you're avoiding me! [*points at Firey*]

I'm okay alone, but you've got something I need.

Well, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates,

You've got a brand new key. (**Lol****l****ipop**: We see, we see!)

I think that we should get together

And try them out, you see. (**T****a****c****o**: We see, we see!)

I've been looking around a while; (**Fi****r****ey**: She sure has!)

You've got something for me— (**Fi****r****ey**: She sure has!)

Oh, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates,

You've got a brand new key. (**Balloony**: *I bet it's green too!*)

**Boys**: [*in the background*] Bup. Badup. Bup. Badup...

[*Applause, followed by another orchestral sting and the third song. Leafy bows and returns to her place in the choir; the solo place is taken over by Spongy, of all people—so mentioned because the following song is a very early 1980s disco song in Hindi. His deep bass voice literally resonates with the audience.*]

**Spon****gy**: *Aap jaisa koi meri zindagi mein aye*

*To baat ban jayeeeeeee* (**Tenors & Basses**: *To baat ban jaaye!*)

*Han han baat ban jayeeeeeee* (**Sopranos & Altos**: *Baat ban jaye!*)

*Aap jaisa koi meri zindagi mein aye*

*To baat ban jayeeeeeee* (**Tenors & Basses**: *To baat ban jaye!*)

*Han han baat ban jayeeeeeee* (**Sopranos & Altos**: *Baat ban jaye!*)

*Phul ko bahar, bahar ko chaman*

*Dil ko dil, badan ko badan*

*Har kisi ko chahiye tan man ka milan*

*Kash mujh par aisaa dil apka bhi ayeeeeeee...* ♫

[*In the audience.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, that is, like, totally disgustoid.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Where were you born, Match, a horse stable? Thought you knew better than to talk during musical performances, especially when it's the only non-English song so far.

[*The people next to her give her a dirty look for talking during a musical performance.*]

* **Ma****tch**: [*whispering,*] Yeah, but it's Spongy.
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's still rather offensive!
* **Crowd**: *Shh!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: You might be right, though. I reckon Spongy's singing's the worst thing that's happened to the Subcontinent since colonization.
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, and his marching suit totally doesn't match his pores. Chh.

[*On stage.*]

**Spon****gy**: ♫ *Oh, aap jaisa koi meri zindagi mein aye*

*To baat ban jayeeeeeee* (**Tenors & Basses**: *To baat ban jaye!*)

*Han han baat ban jayeeeeeee* (**Sopranos & Altos**: *Baat ban jaye!*)

**All**: *Ha, ha, ha, han han baat ban jayeeeeeee!*

[*Loud applause as the ensemble sing the last song of the medley: this year's Eurovision winner, "Rock Me" by the Croatian band Riva, with part of the lyrics in English.*]

**All**: *Ooooohhhh... whoa-o-o-oh!*

**R****u****b****y**: I can't speak Yugoslav at all.

**T****a****c****o**: That's not a language! ♫

[*In the audience, where Battery can be seen dancing.*]

* **G****at****y**: It really isn't.

[*On stage.*]

**B****u****b****b****l****e**: ♫ They say I'm wider than I'm tall.

**Lol****l****ipop**: What rhymes with *language*?

**Blocky**: A single man I've been for years now.

**Gela****tin**: The audience is so all ears now!

**L****ose****r**: They're gonna get a semi-decent cover. (**Woody**: Sing it!)

**Fl****ow****er**: Whoa-o-o-oh!

**All**: Rock me, baby, *nije važno šta je—*

Rock me, baby, *samo neka traje—*

Rock me, baby, *ovo je za nervni stres...*

**Fl****ow****er**: Whoa-o-o-oh!

**All**: Rock me, baby, *nije važno šta je—*

Rock me, baby, *samo neka traje—*

Rock me, baby, *samo neka je za ples!*

**Fl****ow****er**: Whoa-o-o-oh!

**All others**: Rock me, baby, come on, feel the sound (**Fl****ow****er**: Ooh, ooh-wah, baby)

Rock me, baby, up and down around (**Fl****ow****er**: Ooh, ooh-wah, wah, wah)

Rock me, baby, 'cause our feet were made to (**Fl****ow****er**: Ooh, ooh-wah, baby)

Dance... (**Fl****ow****er**: Rock me, baby)

**All**: Whoa-o-o-oh!

**All others**: Rock me, baby, come on, feel the sound (**Fl****ow****er**: Ooh, ooh-wah, baby)

Rock me, baby, up and down around (**Fl****ow****er**: Ooh, ooh-wah, wah, wah)

Rock me, baby, 'cause our feet were made to dance (**Fl****ow****er**: Ooh, ooh-wah, baby)

Our feet were made to dance (**Fl****ow****er**: Ooh-wah, wah, wah, ooh-wah, wah, wah)

**All together**: Our feet were made to

Whoa-o-o-oh,

Dance! ♫

* **Ma****tch**: [*talking over the ending*] Blah-blah-blah.

[*The audience erupts in applause as Two pogs, while Lollipop grabs the microphone from Flower.*]

* **Lol****l****ipop**: We were going to recite lesbian poetry instead, but it was Flower's idea to sing.
* **Fl****ow****er**: [*grabbing the microphone back*] And it was Lollipop's idea to organize this choir in the first place! No, wait... it was still mine. I have to take credit.
* **Lol****l****ipop**: For everything.
* **Two**: Then I... I guess that's our Cake at Stake song, and we didn't need to hear the *other* Cake at Stake song for a second time. Sorry, Tune.

[**Tune** *silently mouths "Aww" and sits down in her audience seat, next to* **Lego Brick***,* **Waffle***,* **Birthday Cake** etc.]

* **Two**: Do you see that? You should all be following Tune's two-rrific example!
* **Puffball**: Of what? Being a recommended character known for composing music? 'Cause I tried that and it didn't really work out.
* **Two**: What I mean is Tune's example of sitting down. Why hasn't anybody tried out the most comfortable chairs in the world yet? I went out of my way to buy these at my market last spring, but nobody's paid them any attention!

[*Two ceremoniously points at the rows of chairs, which are still empty.*]

* **Two**: These *are* meant for you, you know. If you were with me this season, please have a seat!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: But Two, you forget that I can't sit. I can just hover over them, can I?
* **Almost everyone else**: ***SHUT UP, LIGHTNING!***
* **Lig****htni****ng**: There it is.

#### Front of the arena

[*The eliminated contestants say their goodbyes to their non-competitor relations. With Match and the Schreiber–Zapalka– family.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Right. Your Aunt Match will be watching you lot, 'cos I reckon I'd look idiotic if I looked in more than one direction during the whole ceremony. And I shan't allow you to sit apart from each other, either; otherwise we'll miss our reservation at Gelatin's Steakhouse.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Are you excied to sing in honour of the winner tonight, Dad?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Even if it's Golf Ball?
* **P****en**: Totally! I must say, it's going to be *awesome!*
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): [*Aside, to Lou.*] Is it just me or do we go to that restaurant far too often?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Heheh, you said *fart*. Pencil, do we have to sit with Match?
* **Ma****tch**: Ò! Excuuuuse me? That's *Aunt* Match to you.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Yeah, Solo. What if I called you elephant crap? It fits you better.

[*Pencil rubs where her temples would be, clearly headache-stricken.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, y- you lot should at least be thankful that at least one of your relatives never did TPOT, yeah?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): No, you're right! Sorry, Mother!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): It still doesn't change the fact that both of my parents actually *did* this show. I could write a tell-all book about it and win a Spearman Medal!
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, I, like, *could* have joined.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right. Well, goodbye, Match.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Bye, Mummy and Daddy!
* **Ma****tch**: We'll meet you at the, like, resto later!
* **P****en**: See ya, gang!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Sorry you got eliminated and aren't finalists!

[*Soni exspectati of farewell as Match takes the children to their seats. Pen watches them leave and looks wistfully at Pencil. She holds his hand.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What is it now?
* **P****en**: What?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You were about to say something.
* **P****en**: How do you know?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You've always got something to say! You think I call you Socrates 'cos you barely wear shoes?
* **P****en**: Well...

[*Pencil and Pen climb the ladder to the Tec Pulcussar to join the other eliminated contestants.*]

* **P****en**: [*sighs*] I just wish our parents could be here to see this. Y'know... my parents, your parents...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, I sort of got that when you said *our*. But why'd you want them in this circus act? None of their competing children made it to the final. And didn't yours say they'd rather watch it live from home, too?
* **P****en**: Yeah, but—
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*puts her finger up to Pen's mouth*] Shh.

[*Pencil puts her arms around Pen (a reversal of the usual formation) and they sit down in their seats, which, since Pencil was eliminated right after Pen, are conveniently next to each other. He smiles at her.*]

* **P****en**: I like where this is going!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, I can hear your eyes smile, whatever that means. We're just walking to our seats, not holidaying in Santorini.

#### Audience: Zone 5

[*Meanwhile,* **Match** *and* **Pencil and Pen's kids** *have been wandering around the arena—more precisely, the sector marked by Match and Eraser's flat, or currently only Eraser's flat (which Match often visits)—and have not yet found a seat. They have climbed dozens of steps just to find a place for a family of eleven to sit.*]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Well, we can't sit there. Those are ten seats.
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, we need, like, eleven, for, like, me and ten of you kids. [*Beat.*] Wow, I never thought I'd say that!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): What, "me" and "ten kids" in the same sentence?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Yeah, you're, like, childless!
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, I'm going to tell your, like, mom what you peoples said.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): No! Not that!
* **Ma****tch**: Ugggh, why are people having less kids these days? It's so unfair!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Er, er, Aunt Match? Can I sit with Samir and his mum down by the front? *Pleeeeeease?*
* **Ma****tch**: Like, seriously, Sam, like, *arrrr!* We walked all this way up just to find a seating area for, like, eleven peoples.
* **R****h****oza**: Did you count them?
* **Ma****tch**: Who cares? Oh my, like, wood-sickles, if there's not enough seats for all of us, like, like, *I'm gonna call the manager!* And if that doesn't work, I'm gonna call the *Prime Minister!*
* **Y****es****a**: Er, Aunt Match...

[*Yesa points at* **Firey Jr.**, *who is next to the set of ten empty sets. He greets her in a nasal voice; in humanaho he is pinching his nose for some reason.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Hey, Match girl, how's it hanging?
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, it's Firey Jr.! Okay, Sam, go.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Alright!

[*Exit.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Yeah, I think I'll follow.

[*Exit, following Sam. They're on good terms now.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Here I go! [*loudly, to the people in front of her*] Match Achsah Anastasia Zapalka is now taking her seat! Please, no pictures. I forgot to put on eyeliner.

[*Match and the remaining kids are all seated.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: My mommy and daddy are up there! They sang a song!
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, my mommy's watching us in her apartment in Toronto! That's the same city where my daddy was buried after he died of, like, liver disease twenty years ago.

[*Awkward silence.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Wow. Suddenly I feel like going on a life-changing trip around the globe.
* **Ma****tch**: Why, like, why?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: To find out *who the hell asked.*
* **R****h****oza**: Ha!

[*Rhoza subtly high-fives Lou, who tries not to laugh, while Match pogs. As soon as her mouth closes, someone rests their legs on both sides of Match's "head". She turns to see* **Rocky** *(or someone who looks like him).*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, Rocky? I know you didn't say much this, like, season, but you're supposed to sit up there with the other famous peoples! [*points at the top of the Tec*]
* **Do****ra**: Dadadadadadadada, dadadada-dada-dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada. [*Subtitles: "I'm not Rocky, you Mud-on-a wannabe who can't even be bothered to express herself."*]
* **Ma****tch**: Omg! I'd recognize that *duh-duh-duh* anywhere! Look, Yesa, it's Dora!
* **Y****es****a**: [*not interested*] I see. She's transfigurated.
* **Ma****tch**: Look, Firey, it's Dora!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: I'm not Firey, I'm Firey Jr.
* **Ma****tch**: She's still one of us!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Gooble gobble, whatever. I'm still Firey Jr.

[**Winner** *suddenly rushes down the aisle to find their seat.*]

* **Winner**: And I'm Winner, but not today!

#### Top of the Tec

[*Two watches as the contestants take their seats. They think out loud.*]

* **Two**: *Microphone, microphone... I need a microphone.*

[*Suddenly, special guest star* **Taco**—*not the BFB contestant, but the one from* Inanimate Insanity—*jumps onto the stage. As if this were a sitcom before a live studio audience, a large number of people in the audience applaud at this sudden stage invasion.*]

* **T****a****c****o**: You called, Two?
* **Two**: Gasp! It's you!
* **T****a****c****o**: In the flesh. Well, in the shell.
* **Two**: You're... you're Taco! I loved your work in II!
* **T****a****c****o**: We're still on, you know.

Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Notes

1. ↑ Minus the filler moments from BFDIA 5a (probably).
2. ↑ No shade thrown from me, it did work *sometimes*.
3. ↑ There's no real translation of this term into English. I've suggested "prolonged planet-stayer", but that doesn't sound all that right to me.
4. ↑ Anything underlined in the rightmost column triggered that particular episode's intro.
5. ↑ This is not the first time in the episode that a word ending in *y* (when usually pronounced *ee*) is pronounced *eye* for lyrical purposes.
6. ↑ **BFDIA 3**: 3:18-22.
7. ↑ Maybe he uses it to see, I don't know.
8. ↑ And so, all eliminated contestants have spoken in this episode (except Pin).
9. ↑ This song appeared in a dream of mine, so I just had to include it here. Let's just pretend Flower comes into contact with time travellers a lot.
10. ↑ A gender-inclusive category, really. It includes Lollipop, among others.
11. ↑ The same thing. Loser's a soprano, did you know that?
12. ↑ It's because he was supposed to be someone else.

**Fake TPOT** [V]