CID the Dummy

***CID the Dummy*** is the thirteenth episode of Just Bad Games, released on January 22, 2020. Shane and Adam criticize this game for ripping off *Mega Man's* storyline and the Wii version's overuse of motion controls.

## Transcript

**Adam**: *CID the Dummy* was released in 2009 for the PlayStation 2, PlayStation Portable, PC, and most notable of all, Nintendo Wii. Guess which version we played. The game itself is an action platformer developed by Twelve.

**Shane**: Twelve? Twelve what? Twelve people? Twelve ducks? (gasp) *12 Monkeys*?

**Adam**: I've a sneaking suspicion that twelve may be the total number of people that bought the game.

**Shane**: Judging by the cover, the game is all about a crash test dummy, likely named CID.

**Adam**: Wait wait wait, is this game a spinoff of the Crash Test Dummies from the '90s?

**Shane**: Oh, you mean the characters that started off as a car safety public service announcement that spawned a cultural phenomenon, including action figures, TV specials, and a video game?

**Adam**: Yeah.

**Shane**: No! According to the manual, CID is a "Crash Impact Dummy". Totally different than a crash test dummy.

**Adam**: Wait, so you're telling me the name of this game is actually "Crash Impact Dummy the Dummy".

**Shane**: Yep. Kind of a problem, right? Well, here's another: listen to the music that greets you on the Wii startup page:

*(The music is played)*

**Adam**: W-what did they do? Did they rip off Fatboy Slim's "Weapon of Choice"?

*(the beginning of "Weapon of Choice" is played)*

The game hasn't even started, and I'm already filled with dread.

**Shane**: Wonderful, isn't it?

**Adam**: Wah, let's get this over with. What is *CID* about?

**Shane**: According to the manual, the story is all about two scientists: a good one and a bad one who were once colleagues but are now bitter rivals. The good one, Dr. B.M. Werken, is the creator of sentient dummies used to test things, and apparently, also stole a technology from the bad one named- D-Troit.

**Adam**: Is that- is that really their names? B.M. Workin' and Detroit?

**Shane**: That's what's written here, man.

**Adam**: Oh, for the love of-

**Shane**: To get back at Werken for stealing his special tech, D-Troit uses his army of robots to abduct Werken's daughter. Now CID, our hero, is sent out to save her.

**Adam**: Wait wait wait wait. The story is about two scientists who design tech that created enhanced machine helpers?

**Shane**: Yes. And then one of them turned bad and began amassing an army of evil, sentient automatons.

**Adam**: And the other created a hero robot to fight the bad guy's army of once-helpful robots.

**Shane**: That's good plot.

**Adam**: Yeah. Never heard that before.

**Shane**: All of this completely original plot is told through an opening series of cutscenes that need to be seen to be believed.

**Adam**: Amazing. This animation looks like a student project from the early '90s.

**Shane**: When was this released again?

**Adam**: 2009.

*(A slideshow titled "Better looking Wii games released in 2009" is shown)*

**Shane**: Anyway, this animated sequence shows off D-Troit sending out a message to amass a team of skilled robots to-

**Adam**: To- to what?

**Shane**: Actually, I don't think he ever says. He's already kidnapped the good doctor's daughter, and I think that's his endgame. He's kind of already succeeded, and as far as we know, he has no idea who or what CID is, so this team is for nothing, I guess.

**Adam**: Overall, this cutscene was five minutes long for no reason at all. No joke, it was meaningless.

**Shane**: Right. Now we're just left with a bunch of questions. What's with Werken volunteering CID for this dangerous mission without even asking him? And when did D-Troit abduct the daughter in the first place? Also, what's with his chin?

**Adam**: And instead of making a game intro that's coherent, the developers decided to waste our time with this.

**Robot**: You heap of junk! I'll be waiting for you. The things I have to put up with!

**Shane**: Oh, that's good.

**Adam**: And don't think we forgot about the voice acting.

**Shane**: It's our absolute privilege and honor to introduce to you some of the worst voice acting we have ever heard in a video game.

**B.M. Werken**: Everyday, I hear him complaining. Well, now we'll see what he's made of.

**Adam**: Uh, we want so, so desperately to let you know who any of these voice actors are, but in the very credits of this game, not a single person is named.

**B.M. Werken**: Holy transistors! I never thought he would do this.

**Shane**: Wait, I know who that is!

**Adam**: You do?

**Shane**: Of course! It's Julia Child!

**Julia Child (Dan Akyroyd)**: Julia Child presents the Chicken Sisters!

*(Three of B.M. Werken's voice lines is overlapped with the SNL skit)*

**Adam**: Good gravy.

**Shane**: And don't for a second think that all this amazing voice acting is limited to cutscenes.

**Adam**: This game suffers from what we like to call "Bubsyitis".

**Shane**: Bubsyitis, dear viewers, is a sentence or line of dialogue that is repeated ad nauseum.

**Bubsy**: What could possibly go wrong?

**Shane**: Hmm. Yes, quite. Our boy CID has a similar tendency to repeat his lines.

**CID**: Not such a dummy now, am I? (x3)

**Shane**: So far, we have animations from a Dire Straits music video, voice acting that could peel the paint off walls, and a story that's headed nowhere. But I hear you asking,

**Shane and Adam**: "What is the gameplay like"?

**Shane**: The tutorial is our first glimpse of the in-game graphics, and- ooh! That's rough.

**Adam**: It looks like a PlayStation 1 game.

**Shane**: What year did this come out again?

**Adam**: 2009.

*(the "better looking Wii games released in 2009" slideshow returns)*

**CID**: Not such a dummy now, am I?

**Shane**: Good! Good, right! Okay, whatever. Let's get into the action! We're moving on and- oh. Okay, yeah. Because this is the Wii version of the game, the developers shoehorned in MOTION CONTROLS!

**Adam**: Uh, it's probably fine.

**Shane**: Oh yeah? You flail to punch.

**CID**: Not such a dummy now, am I?

**Adam**: Ugh. CID's attack animation reminds me of how I used to fight on the playground. I cried a lot back then.

**Shane**: You know what makes me cry? When you accidentally trigger CID's attack, he'll get locked into his animation. CID will continue punching and moving forward until he walks into obstacles or falls off a ledge. And by the way, triggering an attack happens all the time when you just barely move your hands.

**Adam**: Well, isn't there some other way of attacking?

**Shane**: Yes. CID has a bazooka.

**Adam**: Oh, good.

**Shane**: Motion controls!

**Adam**: Oh. bad.

**Shane**: You don't know the half of it. You have to hold down the A button and carefully move the controller towards your shoulder, like you're pulling out an invisible rocket launcher- or like you're using a backscratcher. You do this to equip and unequip the bazooka every time.

**Adam**: Well, does that at least work?

**Shane**: 25% of the time, maybe!

**Adam**: So, we've got a bunch of motion controlled punches, awkward and unresponsive bazooka management, but CID also has the ability to use stealth.

**Shane and Adam**: (to the tune of the *Pink Panther* theme) *It's bad. It's bad. It's really, really, really really bad! It's an awful game.*

**Adam**: That was fun.

**Shane**: Glad you enjoyed it, because those sneaking movements are never used for the rest of the game.

**Adam**: And speaking of the way you move, typically, in a 2.5-D game like this, you have fixed planes of movement, focusing on gameplay and making it easy to move around and attack enemies.

**Shane**: Seems like they might've been inspired by something.

**Adam**: Oh, really? What makes you say that?

**Shane**: No reason.

**Adam**: But *Crash Bandicoot* this ain't! Would you like to know how they messed it up?

**Shane**: Well, they took the 2.5-D concept and were like, "oh, why not make a fixed playing-style game and, like, let you have 360-degree movement, but like, everywhere"?

**Adam**: Doesn't sound like a problem? Any time you move anywhere, every jump you make, every attack you attempt, you'll never be sure that it will land. It's almost impossible to gauge distance and space.

**Shane**: The same issue with positioning also affects your bazooka. Your character can be aiming in any direction instead of a fixed one, so if you happen to be looking just slightly, and I mean, slightly off from your target, you will not hit it.

**Adam**: But Shane, what's with the aiming cursor? Can't you just use the handy-dandy Wii remote to aim at targets on the screen?

**Shane**: Oh, you would think that, wouldn't you? But no. See, what you're actually doing here is aiming at the screen to let the game know you want to shoot. See, you can aim anywhere on the screen, and besides some very specific circumstances, CID will never actually aim where you're physically pointing the Wii remote.

**Adam**: Again, all of the shooting in this game is engaged by a stupid backscratch motion that works less than a quarter of the time.

**Shane**: If the game ever becomes too much, and nothing seems to work, and you're really frustrated, just take both of your hands and shake them as hard as you can. And you know what happens if you do that right?

**Shane and Adam**: Panic mode! (screaming)

**Shane**: The game will instantly destroy anything and everything in your path.

**Adam**: And you'll be panicking a lot from each and every level's countless glitches, bugs, and poor designs.

**Shane**: And now, a brief selection of glitches you will find in *CID the Dummy*:

Hey, look, a switch! What does a hefty metal switch sound like when you move it?

**Adam**: Fax machine! Yep! Oh, that sounds good. Next!

**Shane**: Check this out: reflections in glass, except they're tiny, and not at all how a reflection should actually work.

**Adam**: Here, we noticed shadows being improperly projected on the roof.

**Shane**: Here's a glitch where you can walk on water.

**Adam**: Here's a glitch where you can walk on lava.

**Shane**: The developers don't seem to be very good with fluids.

**Adam**: I think you're right, because when we get to a stage with water, all hope is lost. This is the worst water level in any video game we have ever played.

**Shane**: You control CID with the joystick to swim. That part is normal, and you probably guessed that's how it would work, right?

**Adam**: But do you know how you get CID to swim higher or lower?

**Shane**: Physically raise and lower your hand with the Wii remote to hopefully trigger the height adjustment.

**Adam**: That doesn't sound like it would be accurate at all.

**Shane**: It's not! But at least when you're underwater, you're constantly surrounded by sea mines!

**Adam**: But what about hard water?

**Shane**: What? I- I don't-

**Adam**: Ice, you dingus! There's a snow level that takes all the bad controls and makes it ten times worse by introducing-

**Shane**: No.

**Adam**: YEEES.

**Shane**: Slippiness?

**Adam**: Yessir! Slippery ice combined with an uncontrollable character, plus that one fun issue where if you happen to move your hand just a little bit, CID does the whole fun "lock into a flailing attack" thing where he will WALK OFF OF EDGES!

**Shane**: Hey, I got an idea! How about we take everything that is awful with the ice level, and just give it one more solid push into the impossibly bad?

**Adam**: How?

**Shane**: Let's have a boss battle where a giant ice monster is chasing you, and can pick you up and kill you if he catches you. And while you're struggling with the ice slipperiness, the movement, and the timing, let's also force you to use that backscratch movement thing to pull out your bazooka to fire at things that are in your way while you're walking and jumping, doing all of this at the same damn time!

**Adam**: This game... it was never tested, was it?

**Shane**: Probably not! I don't think a single design idea was thoroughly thought out. Take this level, for example: it's a graveyard... for crash dummies.

**Adam**: Why? Are these zombie dummies, to test what zombies go through for safety?

**Shane**: Sure, why not, maybe. And here's a hole for ghosts.

**Adam**: A ghost hole?

**Shane**: Wait.

**Adam**: Could that mean-

**Money Ghost**: Oooooooh!

**Shane and Adam**: It's the ghost of the money we wasted on this game!

**Money Ghost**: Hey fellas! What game is this?

**Adam**: Oh, it's *CID the Dummy* on the Nintendo Wii.

**CID**: Not such a dummy now, am I?

**Money Ghost**: F\*\*k that! You two are on your own! Ghost out! (disappears)

**Shane**: It's impossible to track just how much is wrong with this game. The basic core design of the world and what's going on in every sequence works against you.

**Adam**: There's one part of the game where CID is driving a car.

**Shane**: By the way, the music being used here- just have a listen:

*(Level music, then Final Fantasy VII battle theme)*

**Adam**: Yeah, that's just a shoddy ripoff of the battle music from *Final Fantasy VII*!

**Shane**: Back to the car. CID is driving it. Not to safety, by the way, but directly into a barrier that smashes CID out of the window violently and through several full-brick walls.

**Adam**: CID is a crash impact dummy. This is what he's made for. He's pretty much invincible.

**Shane**: So, imagine the shock and horror we both had when we discovered that *CID* has fall damage.

**Adam**: And not just fall damage. Full-on instant game over on impact.

**Shane**: He can survive getting thrown through five walls, but will die on impact when he hits the floor kinda hard. IMPACT. It's in his freakin' name!

**Adam** : The whole game is a confusing mess. We had multiple deaths that seemed unfair, or came out of nowhere entirely.

**Shane**: This is a flying sequence that has CID riding another robot across some water. This whole time, you need to keep the robot flying by holding up on the thumbstick while also avoiding obstacles. If you don't keep holding up, he'll fall into the water and die.

**Adam**: So we did that. We held up.

**Shane**: And we beat the level.

**Adam**: But when the score screen came up to show us how well we did, uh, when we beat the level, we heard this:

*(Explosion sfx)*

**Shane**: That's the sound of falling into the water. But that doesn't make sense. And then suddenly, without reason, the level restarted.

**Adam**: 'Dya know what happened, folks?

**Shane**: We stopped holding the thumbstick up to keep the robot flying at the score screen because, well, the level is over, right? We had beaten it!

**Adam**: Turns out we weren't supposed to do that. The level didn't stop even at the score screen. If you let go, you will die behind the scenes!

**CID**: (slowed-down) Not such a dummy now-

**Shane**: If you manage to break through the hours of levels and wade through the filth of this whole experience, you'll eventually get to a castle, because hey, why not, where else is a big bad villain gonna be? And you defeat a robot that looks like he's pulled straight out of *Sonic Adventure*.

**Adam**: D-Troit is d-feated, and CID saves the good professor's daughter.

**Shane**: Wait, she- the DAUGHTER is a crash test dummy?

**Adam**: Oh, right, yeah. Apparently, she's not really his daughter, but instead is a crash impact dummy infused with the essence of his real daughter, who died.

**Shane**: What is actually going on anymore? Uh I'm- I don't-

**Adam**: Most important thing here is that CID berates the woman he just saved.

**CID**: I almost decided to leave her there. She's WAY too demanding for my liking. Perhaps he could've made a nice microwave out of your spare parts- or a hi-fi, since you're so noisy.

**Shane**: That's really harsh!

**Adam**: Even harsher when you realize that these two have never actually spoken to each other before this exact moment.

**Shane**: He's complaining about how mouthy she is!

**Adam**: SHE DOESN'T HAVE A MOUTH!

**Shane**: So CID is just a really bad person, and by all accounts at the end of the game, it reveals just how shallow and mean-spirited he truly is.

**CID**: Not such a dummy now, am I?

**Shane**: No. You are the dummy, CID. You totally are.

**Adam**: *CID the Dummy*. Made by Twelve, played by less.

**Shane**: **IT'S JUST BAD.**

**CID**: (snippets from multiple levels) Not such a dummy now, am I?