Everybody Hates Cathy (But Why?)

Everybody Hates Cathy (But Why?) is the fourteenth chapter in the Wombles One.

Cathy woke up confused. She didn’t even know she had been asleep.  She was in a cage with a big clock just outside it.  Behind her the beach sounded breezy.  It looked nice though so she walked over to it.  “Ouch” she shouted.  It was actually a big screen.  The image changed to a weird swirl and a horrible noise started. After a bit it stopped and Cathy relaxed but then it suddenly started again.  “Cannay I get ye anything wee lassie?” asked the MacWomble between playing the pipes.  Cathy tried to tell him to go away but he just kept playing.

Wombat was confused watching the observation screen in Mother’s office.  “I thought he had gone back to Scotland?” he said.  Mother explained.  “Well his awful noise is rather splendid for prisoners.  So I offered him all the everyday things that folks leave behind he can handle.”  Just then the MacWomble walked in looking indignant.  “Did yet not enjoy my playing?” he asked.  Mother quickly backtracked “Certainly old fellow!” he lied. Quickly he gave out ear protectors to everyone.  They just managed to put them on before the pipes started again.

Cathy fell asleep on and off but every time she woken again by the big clock and a strange, surprisingly curvaceous man with a comedy moustache and accent called Mr Speel.  He kept bringing food and drink. “Breakfast” he said.  Cathy ate it.  The clock said 8am.  When he collected the tray Mr Speel said “Lunch!” and put a new tray of food down. Cathy ate that and he came back again. “Dinner!” he said.  Cathy was confused.  “I’ve only just had breakfast and lunch.  It’s been 20 minutes in total since 8am!” she said.  Mr Speel pointed at the clock which now said 9pm. “Bedtime!  Lights out!” he said.  The lights went out but then the bagpipes started again.

Mother, Steed, Miss Peel and Tara were having great fun with Cathy.  So much so that they didn’t notice Dr King and Dr Keel come in to show off their souvenir butter pats.  Venus brought a big load of toast.  “Ahem!” she said “breakfast time”.  It was breakfast time but Cathy thought it was midnight.

One of the workers at the Cafeeee walked into the staff only room, and peeled off their fake moustache. (Cathy had taken a lot of fake moustaches from Miss Peel).  They knocked on the door at the back of the staff only room, which was marked, “Super Staff Only.”  They were let in, then they went through the door at the back of there, which was marked, “Really Super staff only.”  Then they went through the door at the back of there, which was marked, “Absolutely Really Super staff only.”  There, he was greeted by a fat man in a wheel chair.  “Hello Father…” began the worker.  “No!  It’s not Father!  It’s Mother!” interrupted the fat man.  “Sorry Mother.” Said the worker.  “But I came to pass on orders from Cathy.”  “What then?”  “You must blow John Steed off the face of the earth!”  “Very well.  I guessed I might be asked to do that.  I’m prepared. Oh, and, tell Cathy I got rid of my bowler, so that she won’t throw me to Yellowstone park again please.”  “I will.  Goodbye.” And the worker walked off, while Mother did some shooting practice. His targets were cardboard versions of Steed and Peter.

Bungo seemed to have gone mad.  He went to the village shop to buy paper and a pen.  “Be seeing you” he said in an unusually village like way.  Bungo walked in a suspicious way to the post box.  He wrote a letter.  Number Two watched him from the control room.  She went to get it.  It was addressed to number 113.  “What?” said Two “113 is dead!”.

Next Bungo walked into Number Two’s room ignored her then went into the control room.  “I have your order.  It won’t be long now!” he said to the controller.  Bungo winked and walked out.  “What did he mean?  What is the order?” asked Number Two suspiciously.  The controller was confused.  “Nothing!  I think we’ve finally made him crack Number Two.”

“It’s a conspiracy! You are fired!  All of you are fired!” roared Number Two.  They all walked out and left the equipment.  After a while it stopped because nobody was looking after it.  Miss Adelaide couldn’t work it so nobody watched Bungo and Madame Cholet.

Bungo walked in.  “You have failed!” he shouted at Miss Adelaide. “I, I knew you were a plant!” she retorted.  “I am not a plant!  I am a free womble!” he shouted.  “You won’t report me to Number One will you?” she said quivering.  “No” said Bungo “you will”.  He gave her the phone.  She called Number One “I have to report a failure. It’s me!” she said in fear.

Not-so-Great Uncle Bulgaria walked in.  “I am the new Number Two” he said.  Miss Adelaide wasn’t quick enough but Bungo was off and running.  “I am the failed Number Two.” She said. “Information!  We want information!” shouted the new Number Two. “Number Six is running away!” she replied.

Bungo was trying his new plan.  He was riding Rover who was actually chasing Madame Cholet.  She ran the beach and jumped in the water.  Rover skimmed over the water to catch her but she ducked down and snuck back to the cottage.  Bungo carried on riding Rover for 2 miles but then Rover bounced off a wall.  The horizon was actually a TV studio!

Mother had finished his shooting practice, and was now back in his Avengers office.  He rang Steed.  “Hello?” said Steed.  “It’s me!” said Mother.  “Who is me?” asked Steed.  “You are Steed.” Replied Mother.   “I know that, but who are you?”  “It’s me!” “For the last time, who is me?” “You are Steed!”  “I know!  But can you please tell me what your name is!”  “Mother!  It’s Mother! You should know!”  “Oh, it’s you!”  “Well of course it’s me!  Anyway, please go and check on our prisoner.”  “Which prisoner?  We have lots of prisoners.”  “You know!” “No I don’t.”  “Cathy!  I’m talking about Cathy!”  “Don’t call me Cathy!”  “I didn’t! I am asking you to see what is happening with Cathy!”  “Oh!” “Well then go!  NOW!”  “Yes Mother.” And Steed put down the phone and ran to the prison cell.  He ran so fast that instead of stopping outside, he accidentally went in and crashed into Mr Speel, who was just collecting the breakfast tray, even though it was now 1:00 PM.  “What did you do that for?” they asked, raising their voice.  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to, E… Mr Speel.”  “Who is Emister Speel?” asked Cathy in confusion. Steed was about to reply, when he heard a noise like a phone ringing.  But there were no phones nearby.  Suddenly he realised that it was his umbrella!  “Why is your umbrella ringing?” asked Mr Speel.  “I’m not sure…” replied Steed.  They spent so long trying to figure out how to answer it, that they didn’t notice Cathy taking the bunch of keys out of Steed’s pocket, and escaping, then heading off to meet Mother.

When she arrived at his office, she said, “If you want to be promoted to second-in-command, you’ll have to slim down again.”  Mother looked blank for a minute then said, “I didn’t know I could get promoted. I’ll go and have my trainee agents trying to kill me then.”  And he went out, then Cathy searched the place for bowler hats.  She found one in the cupboard.  It had the initials, “J.S.” in it.  “Hmm…” said Cathy.  “Looks like Mother is still working with Steed.”

Steed and Mr Speel left the empty cell and took off their false moustaches.  “Well Emma what now?” asked Steed.  Miss Peel smiled “You called me Emma!”  “You are Emma!” said Steed.  “Yes John, I am” replied Miss Peel.  “You called me John!” said a surprised Steed.  “You are John” said Emma.  “Yes Emma, I am” replied Steed.  They decided to be Steed and Miss Peel at work but John and Emma at home.