Superturtle Destroys the Universe

"*Sure, we like to have fun and engage in a little 'tomfoolery,' but I'd like to talk to you seriously about a problem in our subculture: don't let 8 year-olds steal a submarine and drive around in it.*"
—Mr. Lobo

## Superturtle Destroys the Universe

### Writer

Mr. Lobo
Aaron M. Lane

### Secret message

"9-7-15-14 7-12 3-23-23 5-8 5-3-15 3 24-8-17-18-11-15 12-7-1 16-1-3-20-14-18-20-3-23 19-7-6-8-15!"

Junior Sleepless Knights Lobo-Cubs, sound off! It's a good old-fashioned camp-out! UNTIL two Cubs go missing and Mr. Lobo has to show a Gammera movie! But there are s'mores, so scr\*w 'em!

### Wraps

**Wrap 1**

It's the inaugural super-fun adult-supervised sleepover of the Junior Sleepless Knights Lobo-Cubs, Troop 74! Youth Master Grand Dragon Knight Cub Leader Mr. Lobo and Den Mother Babs from the Front Desk have a wealth of fun activities planned, like

* Balloon catapults
* Balloon archery
* Balloon track & field
* Balloon mini golf
* Balloon tic tac toe
* Balloon car wash
* Balloon trash pick-up
* Balloon family drug counseling
* Balloon comparison shopping
* Balloon crocheting
* Balloon accounting
* *& more!* (with balloons)

On the movie front, Aaron selected *Caligula*, which probably stood a better chance of being shown than Mr. Lobo's pick, *Up.* Luckily Mr. Lobo never forgets to always be prepared, and he has a backup-backup movie: *Superturtle Destroys the Universe!*

**Wrap 2**

It's campfire story time! There's implied poop, and plagiarism, ewwww! But even scarier is the civil liability of losing two campers! So Mr. Lobo throws to commercial while they hunt for the kids.

**Wrap 3**

The search kicks into high gear with PRINTED FLIERS. Mr. Lobo takes charge:

"*Babs, you take these fliers and you plaster them everywhere lost children hang out: the nearest phone pole, the cork board at the laundromat, over the drinking fountain at the department store...maybe the top shelf of the refrigerator?*"
—Mr. Lobo
The search is briefly suspended to take the Insomniac's Oath. And then to show more of the movie.

**Wrap 4**

The movie appears to end, and The Harbinger informs Mr. Lobo from offscreen that the children in the film have died. (Closed casket.) But in the nick of time, Mr. Lobo remembers that's the end of the *German television cut*, and luckily he has the theatrical version in his backup-backup backpack! "A forgotten Lobo Cub always remembers prepared mustard or something." Indeed.

**Wrap 5**

A timely PSA from OSI 74 Cares, featuring Mr. Lobo and Kogarella, the Safety Ape, warning against the danger of 8 year-olds blowing up in submarines. To learn more about children blowing up in submarines, visit http://www.osi74.com/safety/childrenblowingupinsubmarines.

**Wrap 6**

Mr. Lobo has commandeered a submarine from a nearby top-secret aqua base! To look for the two kids or whatever. Thanks, Oceanauti! But what's this? Miss Mittens pushed the panic button? Oh, no!

**Wrap 7**

Miss Mittens ejected herself into the monster-filled water! But Mr. Lobo's too busy pondering nautical terms to worry about that now. And oh great, now some kind of giant reptile has appeared overhead, blotting out the sunwater! Hey! Mr. Lobo knows that turtle! It's Puddles, from *Gamera: Super Monster* fame!

**Wrap 8**

Mr. Lobo is feeling nervous without Miss Mittens, and he's beginning to doubt the monster turtle is Puddles after all. But then Puddles confirms his identity by enveloping the sub in hot urine. *Pu*ddles! Then as quickly as he appeared, Puddles is gone. But he might come back again. There's still a lot of show left.

**Wrap 9**

Mr. Lobo's back at base camp and he breathlessly informs everyone that he saw Puddles, but Babs is roasting marshmallows, Miss Mittens doesn't know who Puddles is, the Twins weren't in that episode, and just generally no one cares. To remind everyone, Mr. Lobo pulls out his trusty VHS copy of the Puddles episode. Clip showwwwww!

**Wrap 10**

Puddles is small, Mr. Lobo is back on KXTV News10, and time has no meaning! Thank heavens The Harbinger is there to explain that it's a result of the Mandela Effect.

**Wrap 11**

Snack Bar Segment! Superturtle™ S'mores! I won't post the recipe here, for liability reasons. (Mr. Lobo almost burned his face off.)

**Wrap 12**

Balloon story time and micro nap! Grand Dragon Knight Club Leader Mr. Lobo reads to the campers from John Stanley's Creature Features Movie Guide, ensuring that the micro nap is a success.

**Wrap 13**

Mr. Lobo prepares to lead the balloon hike, with the hope that together they'll be able to find Puddles, but Miss Mittens doesn't want to go into the woods. Shyeah, probably jealous of all the other plants!

**Wrap 14**

Mr. Lobo's set to introduce tonight's Reel 7 Girl, Blair, but she's nowhere to be found! However Mr. Lobo does find a vintage VHS camcorder, and after a brief musical interlude, he decides to view what's on the tape. It's Blair! Doing a *Blair Witch* riff! But she's a professional, and she manages to introduce the next reel, between the snotting and being murdered. But who's this mysterious "Dollar Store Jason" she mentioned? (J. Ryan Hickey.)

**Wrap 15**

The out-of-doors insects are starting to get to Mr. Lobo, and the Twins admonish him to stop swatting and spraying them. But just then a strange object appears in the distance. Is it a bug in the sky? Is it SuperWheels? It's probably a giant flying incontinent turtle, but we'll have to stay tuned to find out, 'cause it's time for ads!

**Wrap 16**

Mr. Lobo's on the hunt for UFOs with his Lobo Cub Space Telescope, but Miss Mittens is skeptical. Mr. Lobo explains UFO classification, and it sounds equally wrong and right. But then he explains how to make your own Lobo Cub Space Telescope, and it's 100% right! But for now it's back to the shortpants.

**Wrap 17**

Insomniac Mail Sac! And it's a letter from official real-life mini-fan, Vivi Courtois! She gets Mr. Lobo to wax poetical about *Plan 9 from Outer Space*, and invent a whole new fan club! She's the inaugural member of the Junior Sleepless Knights Lobo-Cubs, and frankly it's ageist that I can't be one too. Congratulations, Vivi!

**Wrap 18**

Hunting for UFOs, Mr. Lobo's been separated from the Cubs, but he's not worried. As he puts it, "a good Lobo Scout always gets his mustard." He is a little concerned with the buzzing sound he heard, though, and coins the sublimely poetic term "huddle of bumblebee butts." It's really fun to say. SAY IT!!!

**Wrap 19**

Mr. Lobo notices the absence of the Pee-Nut Fairy Twins and delicately takes us to commercial. What a gentleman.

**Wrap 20**

Mr. Lobo frantically summarizes the situation for Miss Mittens: EVERYONE IS MISSING! That means partial refunds for the bereaved parents! Whether it's the stress of the situation getting to him or just his natural toilet-making schedule, Mr. Lobo needs a stick RIGHT NOW!

**Wrap 21**

Mr. Lobo can't find Miss Mittens, the bugs are back, and he's having a full-on fit! But then he notices the UFO's back, too, and is drawn to it in a kind of trance...

**Wrap 22**

Mr. Lobo discovers that the UFO is Puddles, and he's his old small self! Before Mr. Lobo can puzzle out who the giant peeing turtle was, he gets a call on his wrist communicator from Commander Micronauti, representing **the Micro Managers of Inner Space!** It was *their* tiny voices he heard as buzzing! Boy, look at all these things getting wrapped up!

**Wrap 23**

Commander Micronauti explains that the submarine Mr. Lobo borrowed from Oceanauti actually shrunk *him* until he was smaller than regular-sized Puddles! Content with that explanation and signing off with Micronauti, Mr. Lobo prepares to relax with Puddles, sadly not seeing the shock twist ending coming. Then a shock twist ending happens! Then the credits roll.

### Ads

* **Federated Group**, with Shadoe Stevens
* **Beck's** beer, "Germans don't do comedy."
* **Polaroid** "Swinger" camera
* **La Choy** chow mein, starring the La Choy Dragon
* **Phoenix Comics and Toys** Miss Mittens and Mr. Lobo figurines (starring Aunt Audrey!)
* **Sammy**, *Superturtle vs Sega* for the Super Famicom
* "Rad" Abrams, Skate Board Attorney
* **U.S. Forest Service**, "Woodsy the Owl"
* "The best hot dogs in town!" (at the concession stand!)
* **Pic** bug repellent (at the concession stand!)
* Barbecued meat (at the concession stand!)
* **Smokey Bear**, "Mister Burnett"
* **Radioshack**(!), starring Jason Voorhees
* **Partnership for a Drug-Free America** (with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
* **Rod Serling as Smokey the Bear**
* **Suburban Auto Group**, Truck Monkey vs Aliens
* **Mego** Micronauts

### Trailers

* *Up* (2009)
* *Fantastic Voyage* (1966)
* *Superturtle Returns* (2006? I'm going with 2006.)
* *Yog, Monster from Space* (1970)
* *The Super Bug Rally* (1971)
* *Bumblebee* (2018)
* *Mothra* (1961)

### Shorts

* Mr. Lobo interviews Jason Voorhees at Monster Mania

### Cast

* Mr. Lobo...Mr. Lobo
* Miss Mittens...Herself
* Babs from the Front Desk...Dixie Dellamorto
* Blair...Cayce Campaign
* Dollar Store Jason...J. Ryan Hickey
* The Harbinger...Aaron M. Lane
* Kogarella...Dixie Dellamorto (trainer)
* Commander Micronauti...Crystal Quin
* The Pee-Nut Fairy Twins...Cynetra Verona-Connelly
* Junior Lobo-Cub...Vivi Courtois
* OSI Announcer...Shadoe Stevens

### Quotes

"*We have a whole weekend of super fun activities designed to boost your confidence and alienate outsiders.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*If you can make it through the whole movie without complaining to your parents, you can earn your Lobo-Cub "Captive Audience" badge, because you're never too young for status symbols.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*NAH, THEY'RE DEAD.*"
—The Harbinger
"*Sure, we like to have fun and engage in a little 'tomfoolery,' but I'd like to talk to you seriously about a problem in our subculture: don't let 8 year-olds steal a submarine and drive around in it. It only takes 1 minute for children to die beneath the waves in a yellow, yellow submarine. Superturtles with hard shells like Gammera are strong. But little boy-shaped sacks of blood and guts are not. So please, do whatever you have to do to keep your sub and your kids safe. Distract them with sugary snacks. Disguise your sub as a Volvo. Send your 8 year-olds to work in a coal mine, far from large bodies of water. Because only you can prevent 8 year-olds from stealing submarines.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Now, Mr. Lobo will not touch a stick from the out-of-doors. A lot of things happen in the woods. Many of you at home may not know this, but animals...use sticks to make toilet.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*You've got your fire. See, everything's normal, and fine. We're not scared of burning the house down or burning our face off or setting our hair on fire or burning the house down. Or burning your dog, or turning, you know, burning the all, burning everything, burning people, we're not afraid of any of that, no. No, we're okay.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*This is a chocolate turtle, uh, this is not a real turtle. It's got, uh, pecans. PeCANS? Or peCANS? PEcans? Uh, and caramel. Carmel. Car-caraMEL? Cara--it's got nuts. And goo. And it's covered in chocolate.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*You like the one with Corey Feldman?*"
—Mr. Lobo, to Jason Voorhees
"*Mr. Lobo is just* totally terrified *of moths! The way they zig-zag, and flutter about spasmodically. They want to get in your mouth!*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*You know what, Miss Mittens? I would rather murder one of God's creatures than be inconvenient.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*Did you hear that buzzing sound? Probably that huddle of bumblebee butts that passes itself off for a spaceship.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*My basic instinct is to avoid all challenges in life and now it's come to THIS!*"
—Mr. Lobo

### Trivia

* Mr. Lobo calls his barbecue lighter his "Prince of Space" lighter because it resembles the ray gun used by the Prince of Space in the Prince of Space's debut motion picture, *Prince of Space*.
* Mr. Lobo reveals during the Snack Bar Segment that, in addition to his previously widely documented aichmophobia (fear of sharp objects), he also struggles with pyrophobia, perhaps owing to the incident he references obliquely in which he previously set his mustache on fire.

Mottos of the Junior Sleepless Knights Lobo-Cubs:

* A Lobo-Cub remembers to never forget that he must always be prepared or something.
* A forgotten Lobo-Cub always remembers prepared mustard or something.
* A lone cub wolf always remembers his Preparation H, or prepares to forget and I don't know.
* A forgetful elephant cub always remembers to save his memories in pictures.
* A good Lobo-Cub always gets his mustard.

Wrong titles used by Mr. Lobo to throw back to the movie:

* *Superturtle and the Tale of Two Kitties*
* *Superturtle Destroys the Squidbillies*

## *Gamera vs. Viras*

### Cast

Kojiro Hongo
Toru Takatsuka
Carl Craig