John Cochran Again, Our Close Friend

**"John Cochran Again, Our Close Friend"** is the ninety-eighth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

The boys spill some secrets from your favorite Hollywood celebs. Then, JOHN COCHRAN is back on the show to set the record straight about exactly what’s going with his mom, his time on *Survivor*, what he did with that sweet prize money, his canceled sitcom, and the development of his new pilot.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* As the theme plays, Hayes recalls running a beer mile with computer song singer Feist. He's shocked not only that she's beating him, but that instead of drinking cans of beer, she is sliding full cans of Spaghetti-O's down her throat.
* Sean's "what-up, what-up" is so dangerously saucy that Hayes warns him to tone it down.
* On their constant crusade for transparency, Hayes and Sean dig through their file cabinet and expose Hollywood bigwigs who have had cosmetic work done in a game they call Paper or Plastico Fantastico.
	+ Sean very noisily gets the tool to open the file cabinet, then very noisily opens the file cabinet.
	+ Pete Postlethwaite had the top of his head replaced with cake as a prank to Benicio del Toro on the set of The Usual Suspects.
	+ In between appearing in Almost Famous and Gone Girl, Patrick Fugit turned into Ashley Greene and acted in the Twilight movies.
* Hayes and Sean check their mail. They were sent a big box from Midas Auto Parts in Toledo. The box was full of 30 hats that say America, audiobooks of Angels & Demons and Eat, Pray, Love, a box of Nature Valley Granola Bars, a choose-your-own adventure book and a baffling magazine. The boys take the box as a veiled threat about something funny that will happen tomorrow.

### Guest Segment

* Over the theme music, Sean tells a story about playing egg roulette with Gavin Rossdale.
* Hayes reminds Cochran about his first appearance, in which Cochran proudly claimed his mother was a skellington in an attempt to scare the hosts. Cochran denies making such statements.
* "Turns its head all the way around, and its shoulder sockets, and then drums down its spine with a little mallet to produce little sounds. Isn't that what you claimed?" -Sean
* **The First Busting**
	+ Cochran then claims his mom is not a bone woman but fosters rescue dogs. Sean pries, asking what kind of dogs, and when Cochran can't answer within the universally-established three second time frame, the boys discover his claim is Fake! and bust him.
* Cochran recounts his rise to stardom as the winner of Survivor, followed by a writing stint on We're the Millers, a movie known for an iconic gag in which spider bites dudes dick.
	+ "If you guys haven't seen We're the Millers, it's a great sitcom Cochran created where the guys are trying to go to Mexico and the one kid finds spider in his pants and spider bites dudes dick and its gets crazy." - Sean
* **The Second Busting**
	+ Hayes notes that Cochran beat two mothers to win Survivor. Cochran claims one of them, Sherri, had a son named Colby. As that was the name of Sean's cat, the boys instantly recognize another Fake! and bust Cochran a second time.
* **The Not-Busting**
	+ The hosts ask Cochran about his time in law school. There's a brief, awkward kerfluffle when Sean asks Cochran if he works for the government and Cochran mistakes his terminology for a racial slur. Cochran also slights Elizabeth Warren by neglecting to call her a lovely woman. Cochran backpedals and compares her to Annette Benning, and when Sean presses, Cochran demonstrates that Benning is a real person and that he knows who she is. Sean notes for the record that this is the first time they haven't busted him, but with 2 busts on record, Sean and Hayes are still winning.
* "The question is: what kinds of famous people have you met on this magical mystery tour of Hollywood and when do you go home?" - Hayes
* Cochran's We're the Millers got cancelled, potentially due to the spider bites dudes dick part being too explicit. Hayes recalls watching it on the side of a slow-moving truck in an attempt to support his friend Cochran.
* Hayes asks for Cochran's favorite law. Cochran says it's the Fair Use Doctrine, so Sean and Hayes give him a lesson in why that answer is wrong and ask him to use his bean.
	+ "That's your favorite law? If there's only that law I could kill you right now!" - Sean
	+ "Imagine what that would be like. People going around being thieves, stabbing. But thank goodness no one is unfair using..." - Hayes
* "Well no, apparently your imagination allows you to jerk off all over the world!" - Sean to Cochran
* **The Third Busting**
	+ The boys graciously allow Cochran to practice pitching his new sitcom to them. Cochran worries that someone could steal his show, even though it's already been sold. This clear evidence of his lack of understanding about Fair Use law serves as the third busting of the show so far, which by show policy earns Cochran one kick in the patootie.
* Les Movies, Marcus Wiley and Rupert Boondocks arrive to hear Cochran's pitch, which is apparently about a man ~~not dissimilar to~~ who is Cochran who lives with his mom, who is a pile of bones. Rupert leaves almost immediately when Cochran shows he's not a true artist.
	+ "If I say your mom's made of bones, she's made of bones. You say 'yes sir, how many?'" - Hayes as Les Movies
	+ Cochran pictures Michael Cera to play him. Les Movies and Marcus Wiley suggest Charlyne Yi and Jerry Stiller.
	+ The execs settle on Stiller, and pitch the bones of his recently deceased wife Anne Meara to play opposite him as the mother character. Yi is relegated to the Spacey Barista.
	+ The only joke in the show involves Meara's bones sneakily putting bone density vitamins in Stiller's cookies.
		- "Well, I'm sad that's the only joke in your show, is just the ingredients of the cookies. That doesn't seem like it's gonna come across. They may not even known about it because she's not gonna really be able to speak super clearly." - Sean, about the bones of Anne Meara delivering lines
	+ The impromptu writer's room discusses the possibility of using the bones' ability to project lines directly into the mind of the audience as viral marketing if she projects her lines into the minds of people watching Dyrdek's Ridiculousness.
	+ Marcus Wiley bows out when Cochran expresses doubts about his ability to write the movie. Les Movies passes on the movie project, but talks Cochran into going back on Survivor.

## Recurring Segments

* Pro Version - Touchey Seeley. His prize is a signed Survivor buff if he can find Cochran.
* Paper or Plastico Fantastico -

## Recurring Jokes

* Earwolfman Jack - makes an appearance in the midroll ad.
* Speak on That - Sean asks if Cochran is a government worker, or "spook." Cochran mistakes the term for a racial slur, and Sean asks him to speak on that.
* Too Scary - Lots of skellington talk, both about Cochran's mom (who is just bones), his dad (who is at one point rumored to be Dr. Franklingstein) and the mother character in his new sitcom (who is played by the bones of Anne Meara, later by Meara's leg bones hastily assembled on the upper half of Jane Kaczmarek).

## Ads

* In the preroll, Hayes dutifully tries to read the ad copy for Lasso Games and their first full game Levantera: Tale of the Winds, but Sean very aggressively makes clear that he's never heard of this company or this games.
* Scripps asks Hayes and Sean to reintroduce the deceased Earwolfman Jack, who reads the ad copy for Howl.fm, but frequently interrupts himself to whisper about his compulsion to eat six pounds of hair from the wicked man (later identified as Lauren Lapkus).

## Episode Photos

*(left)* Hayes Davenport, *(middle)* John Cochran, *(right)* Sean Clements