The Dimpton Drinking Club

## Bio

The **Dimpton Drinking Club** is a monologue delivered by Ernie (Benny Hill), an English story-teller left behind by a drinking club possibly in or near Little Dimpton. In the monologue, consisting of exaggerations, gossip and tall tales, it is implied he is no longer a member of the club, having been left behind by the group. Two ladies (Bettine Le Beau and Kay Frazer) show up to take him for crumpets.

## Lyrics

Once a month, they leave their wives and off they goes to St. Ives,

And there they develop some monumental thirst.

Twelve quarts a man is sunk, and they claim not one gets drunk,

But they do admit that once they had one burst.

I don't go with them anymore.

I said to myself, "What for? To drink that homemade wine made by Wally Cox?"

I said, "This stuff tastes like stew, and it's a funny color too."

They said, "Yeah, that'll be the dye out of Wally's socks."

Once we stopped at a posh hotel...

And Sid said, "Oh well, I'll just pop in and get an estimate for a gin and tonic."

Ted said, "I'll have a quart."

I said, "You'll have half."

He said, "God, don't make me laugh that'll slop about my inside something chronic."

Inside we see Marg Tickle looking like she's weened on a pickle.

She sneered at Ted and without any warning,

He said, "You're ugly, you old crow,"

And she said, "You're drunk, I'll have you know,"

He says, "I know, but I'll be sober in the morning."

There's the landlord's daughter Gerta.

She's a nice little bit of skirt,

So to show off Ted orders pints of the best.

He said, "And what'll you have, my dear?"

She said, "I'll just have a mouthful of beer."

He said, "Don't be greedy, you'll have a pint, same as the rest."

He said, "I can't abide this stuff."

And he said, "I'll be glad when I've had enough,

"And we can all move on to some better place."

She said, "Good riddance, cause you're too rough,

"You don't know when you've had enough."

He said, "I do. I'll fall flat on my face."

And they starts to have a row.

She said, "You can't even see straight now."

He said, "I can see straight, you don't have to shout."

He said, "I can see clear as a die that cat coming in's only got one eye."

She said, "That cat ain't coming in; he's going out."

Each time he sees the vicar now,

He don't hold his strong liquor.

When he seen Ted, I thought he was going to get cross.

But he said, "Last Sunday, I was filled with elation, to see you in my congregation."

He said, "Thank God, I wondered where I was."

That night, we was tight as sticks.

The next morning about half past six.

When all was still, and no one was about,

Wally's Uncle Sid lifted up the dustbin lid,

And quietly and carefully climbed out.

See, the night before, he'd stripped off, cursed and dived in head first.

You see, he thought he was on the end of a pier.

And a policewoman passed by, and she murmurred with sigh,

"What a waste, that one there's good for another year."

Oh dear, we'll had so much to sup,

He woke the landlord up,

He phoned him up, he didn't have to shout.

He said, "We don't open until ten, you can't get in till then."

He said, "I don't want to get in. I want to get out."

Charlie, oh Charlie, he got so high, he laid down in the sty next to a pig,

And a passing priest was heard to say,

"You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses."

And the pig got up and slowly walked away.

Well, I sit here like old Gandhi with my little half a shanty.

While the lot goes and drinks up half of St. Ives,

Cause once a month each year, he goes off and they disappear,

And he goes off on the beer,

And they leaves behind their darling little wives.

So you see, some men thirst for knowledge,

And that's why they goes to college,

But some needs ale and wine to quench their thirst.

But the thirst I like to quench requires the cooperation of a wench,

And I wonder which of the little wives I should call on first.