Sorry, Love, but You're Going to Die

What’s with that look in your eyes, love? You know I’ve always disliked seeing you like this, ever since the first time I’ve seen this scared stare form upon your face when I asked you to jump with me from a twenty cliff into the waters of the Mediterranean with me back when we were kids. It’s kind of funny you give me that look now, you know, because you were always relatively fearless. You were always a fearless girl, even the last time I saw you. You were smiling at a time that would make most people fear and wail, but you were smiling and laughing. Up until a few months ago, I would’ve been the one with a mortified look in my eyes.

This is funny you know, the irony of this all. I do feel somewhat bad for talking to you only now, you were my best friend, you were like family to me, love, and how do I repay you? I completely lost my shit and tried to ignore you when you’ve decided to visit. I am a terrible friend, aren’t I? I am truly sorry for being such a douche to you, if only you could be so kind to forgive me.

Please forgive me for all the wrongs that I’ve done to you and for those I’m still about to do.

As a penance, I’ll let you know some things that might make you a little happier, alright? So where do I start, first of, the day you left, your twin sister admitted to loving me just as much as you do. You and I both knew this long before she could bring it up, I mean there had to be a reason for her chasing us around all the time, hadn’t there? Your younger sister, this girl, and well she kind of took your spot in my life. She is a spitting image of you, both in appearance, even though you two always had different hair colors and in personality. She’s so much like you that she’s just the right amount of sarcastic and cynical just like you, Hell, she even grits her teeth like you when she’s really mad about something.

Many things have changed in the time that you were gone, I’ve been to a relationship with this one girl for three years, but I had to end it. I’m fine though, if you’re worried, which you do seem to be. I’ve met new friends, I’ve found old friends again and lost some to the harsh realities of life, Aodhan died in a car crash. Do you remember Aodhan? You were pretty close with him too, we all were. I have had to serve in the military too! It wasn’t bad, quite enjoyable at times. So many things happened, so many people came and went, and only the memory of you had remained a constant in my mind.

I cried so much on the day you’ve left, I’m pretty sure I almost dehydrated myself due to the amount of crying, but I wasn’t depressed.

Does this make you happy?

You were the one to tell me that I should be optimistic and that everything that happens in this world is for the better.

I sure hope it does make you happy, because that would mean that you are not only afraid right now, but at least a little joyous. I wish I could see your beautiful smile of your just one more time. Your smiles always lightened up my spirit. You always knew that too and enjoyed this little fact.

Smile for me, just once, please, I’m so tired of this terrified look on your face.

Smile.

Just once more.

If you can, do tell me, is it this rope I’m holding that scares you? If so you shouldn’t worry so much, it’s just a prop for an act a few friends and me are putting up today. I am attending an acting school right now, you know! Someone had inspired me to try out acting; apparently, I have some flare for the dramatics. Well, how couldn’t I have with whatever storm is inside that mind of mine?

I am about to disappoint you though, at some point, I broke mentally, I don’t even know why. It just happened all of the sudden and I was struck down by a depressive episode. You know they say depression isn’t sadness but rather a sense of apathy towards life. They’re wrong! Depression is like a monster that tries to kill you with numbness. It is just this bad! Don’t worry though, I wasn’t suicidal or anything, I just felt empty and void of purpose. Nothing I couldn’t handle, it did make me neglect all of my friends and grow distant from everyone who knew me. I avoided unnecessary human contact for a few months, I just didn’t want to be around people if I hadn’t had to be around them.

When my depressive episode began wearing off and I started socializing again, people began telling me I’m somewhat incoherent and random in my speech. I had dismissed them at first, figuring I might have started messing up my words because I started using three languages at once for communication. This wouldn’t stop happening, people would constantly ask me to repeat myself and what I was meaning. Soon enough, I had figured it was just their way of getting back at me for leaving them; it had to be, hadn’t it? I mean, if the ones you love randomly leave you without explanation wouldn’t you be mad at them, even for a bit?

It’s at moments like this I wish you would have been able to speak, or at least chose to, instead of just staring at me. We were best friends, so why don’t you ever talk anymore? You just show up, stare at me and then leave again, all without saying a word.

Anyhow, since people never stopped complaining about my speech patterns I had concluded that they are just trying to laugh at my expense. So I’ve stopped speaking to most of them again, those whom I’ve chosen to maintain contact with did not mention that anything is wrong with my speech any more. I don’t know if I pissed someone off or anything, but for the longest time it seemed like people who were walking behind me had the intention of hurting me, they all just seemed to malevolent to be random pedestrians, especially at night. I don’t seem like an easy prey, I hope. I will admit that I was scared at times, genuinely scared, I still am at points. It is a shame you weren’t here then to comfort me, love. I wished for you to be here then.

I did.

All of this had let to constant stress, anxiety, and dread, you know what the best part about all of these is? It takes a huge toll on your body. My sleep was almost none existent, my rejuvenating sleep was most definitely gone and my shoulders would constantly burn with the pain of being too tense for too long.

Moreover, you know what’s funny? This wasn’t even the worst part. Oh no!

That

Was

Not!

It all started with random sensations of touch on my back and shoulders, I discarded these as the result of the constant stress that had consumed my whole life. The touch sensations were accompanied by random Goosebumps,  I mean this could happen to a stressed person, right? I could even discard the random movements in the corners of my eyes and the sensation of having someone behind me as the result of a prolonged lack of good sleep.

Here’s the thing though, I could not make any sense of you being here.

The first time you appeared to me, I spun my chair while waiting for my movie to load on the computer. There you stood, next to my closet, dressed in a pajama, with your slightly faded blonde hair covering most of your emaciated face. You looked exactly the same as the day I last saw you, slightly crouched from the constant pain that came with your breathing. Your eyes still somewhat sunken from all the weight you had lost during your time with Tuberculosis. Even though your hair was obscuring the majority of your facial features, I could see your dark blue eyes, devoid of emotion.

You just stared a hole through me, and I literally fell off my seat.  Do you remember that? I clearly do. I screamed at the top of my lungs, trying to convince myself that my eyes were lying to me; I clearly knew they were lying to me. You couldn’t be here, you still can’t.

I saw your dead body on the morning of your death, back at the hospital; you had died in your sleep the doctors concluded. After so much pain and suffering your body gave out, the Tuberculosis had beaten you to a pulp. I was there when they placed you in the ground; I kissed your bones one last time before the burial worker had taken you away from this world and sent you on your journey to the next one.

You couldn’t be real, you still can’t be.

You wouldn’t let me go though, you kept showing up, devoid of any emotion, looking like you did on the day of your bloody death, staring a hole through me. You showed up day in and day out. You were making me lose my mind, love; you were killing off my sanity. You probably remember all of that, I’m sure you do.

Do you remember how you made me snap a few weeks ago? Do you remember how I flipped every last piece of furniture and destroyed anything I could that day because of you? Well even then you still showed no emotions, you were just trying to erase my sanity.

This is so funny, you know, I mean, my best friend was basically trying to lead me to my grave, but it was a neighbor of mine who ended up finding me in a shattered, it was just a neighbor who took me to the hospital, it was just a neighbor who saved my life. Can you guess why is it so funny? Because we aren’t even any close with the man!

So why do you sport scared look now, dear?

Oh, I know! It’s the pills…

It’s the pills that my therapist got me prescribed to, isn’t it?

I can tell you’re no ghost, pills do not kill ghosts.

Whatever kind of broken mechanism you are inside of my skull, that look on your face tells me exactly how this part of my brain feels about these antipsychotic pills!

I’m sorry, love, but you’re going to die again, this time though, you’re not going to die with a little smile on your face, no, you’re going to be erased out of existence with a mortified stare permanently etched into your mug.

Schizophrenia can be a bitch.