Fire Emblem GameFAQs Story Mode

## Prologue

It was not long ago that I have been sealed off the land of GameFAQs in my attempts to usher a new age free from the wars of waifus and husbandos. GameFAQs has fallen from grace as the age of ravaging and pillaging as otakus

and SJWs has fallen out of control. A land where we can discuss our favorite games has continued to suffer from war because of a one Endlame and his eternal rival Latino\_Queeb! This land needed order restored and I took it upon myself to claim the power to deliver the land of its trolls. I allied with Endlame’s mortal enemy Mavitar to bring these fools down but failed when the one I thought of as a friend, he of the gated sun, stopped me when I went too far in my war against these trolls. At that point those two maggots failed to emerge victorious, coming upon a truce. I was unaware I myself became one of these foul trolls and have sealed myself as this land would never know peace.

Combat has begun again as Latino\_Queeb has once again turned to the path of trolls. I, the one such fools call Quilly, have awoken from my slumber to once again take over GameFAQs!

BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uStWYhENgJk

### Scene: The Battlefield

*Latino\_King’s army, accompanied by Team Mavitar and Endgame’s army charge at one another. Combat begins as such users and their waifus duke it out. Flare\_Sorrow vs Lazward, ChenYakumo vs Dekarus, and who could forget our resident pervert going up against a catfish fucker? Even PoisonedYouth and Charlotte got down and dirty pulling each other’s hair all for the love of Xander. Combat was bloody, far bloodier than Fire Emblem would be. Yes, Fire Emblem, the Nintendo game where people actually die, including lolis and shotas. Fire Emblem, the one game introduced to those of us in the west by Super Smash Brothers Melee. This melee continued until one of Latino\_King’s loyal warriors, PlasmaStar, lost track of his woman-child of a waifu whom Latino\_King claimed to hate despite his perverse nature.*

PlasmaStar: Where's Peri?

BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbbFQzl\_KP8

*The bloody behemoth laughed violently as she pinned down Effie for getting in the way of her one true love and they were struck by Imhullhu died. Eventually, all the waifus and husbandos deceased one by one as the battlefield. Latino\_King glared as he suspected an ancient evil long forgotten by the people of GameFAQS. He knew that Endgame lacked Shadowgift. His waifu Aisha too was a casualty of the Imhullhu onslaught. Everyone’s favorite pervert pointed his blade at his true lover and enemy.*

## Chapter 1: A Song of Ice and Fire (Cobalnite)

### Scene: The Battlefield, Continued

*The deaths of every Fire Emblem character (and Aisha) caused a ceasefire between everyone but the key players/trolls who all pointed their weapons at each other, except Endgame's staff to account for the ridicule he'd show if he used a tome among real manly weapons.*

Mavitar: Is that your best Endy?

*The Hero, perhaps in name only, charged at his nemesis alongside the Benny-haired Peruvian pervert with their swords but were held back by a wall of Endflame.*

BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy9wmATMYw0

*In comes grandmaster Cobalnite quelling the Endflame with his Celica's Gale as he scores a Vengeance to knock back Endgame complete with cut-in.*

Latino\_King: Watch it Cobalt!

*The normally kuudere Cobalnite felt a burning passion to avenge his beloved Azura whose song fuelled him in combat. Now that she was dead, he would be far more than refreshed. He wished to uphold the peace, but a frozen heart has now thawed into a tsunami of passion.*

Cobalnite (In a tone like Shulk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNJRRR3jKcY) I'll kill you!

*Endgame chuckles as once again he's been scapegoated.*

Endgame: Why the hell would I have an Imhullhu? It's not like your waifus are from real Fire Emblems.

Latino\_King: Your waifu ain't from a Fire Emblem, Endy.

*Close up on Cobalnite as the camera zooms in one him as he initiates combat.*

Cobalnite: I'll never forgive you! Take your weapon Endgame and die!

*And so begins the first match of the Fire Emblem GameFAQS Fighter Story Mode battle!*

#### The Wheel of Fate is Turning! Rebel 1, Action!

*Since he's an Ice Type, despite favoring a Wind Tome since they often have ice magic, Cobalnite is somehow able to get past Endgame's Endflames and win the first round, perhaps fuelled. Maybe because ice is water which beats fire? Ever thought of that, Endgame?*

*Somehow, everyone's favorite troll to hate caught note and burned the grandmaster lover of Azura not just with an Endflame but a reminder of how useless Azura is with her plans. This only made Cobalnite lose composure as Endgame overwhelmed him this round.*

*The icy heart surged past the Endflames as Cobalnite's love for Azura became a torrent that washed away the remnants left behind by the flames started by Endgame. Even as Cobalnite's Celica Gale tome fell apart, he combined it with his newfound power over water brought upon by his deceased waifu's spirit to conjure a maelstrom and finish their battle. Cobalnite concludes his finishing move with a strike of lightning courtesy of his Levin Sword. Granted, it was no Fatality or Ultra Combo... I'd say it's more of a Final Smash.*

#### Astral Finish! Cobalnite wins!

Endgame: I should have seen this coming! Fucking terrain effects!

Mavitar: Fire Emblem doesn't even take terrain effects as serious as other SRPGs, Endy,,, Oh wait.

*Endgame ignores Mavitar even though he's cringing at the latter's words. The waters ever dissipate as Cobalnite walks off from his brawl with Endgame slightly charred but still breathing.*

BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_vBTizLUTs8

*The camera pans as everyone's waifu and husbando is shown dead and scattered from Cobalnite's fight against Endgame. Some mourn their waifus and others laugh as their hated ones are dead. You'd think everyone would unite.*

Cobalnite: Thank you... Azura.

*He knows that as she is dying, she is a closet fan of the Secret World of Alex Mack. He picks up the ring he gave her, the last remnant of his waifu. What doesn't occur to him is that she must have spoke of the Invisble Kingdom and therefore is a victim of the Bubble Curse, yet the ring remained unscathed.*

### Scene 2: Uber Castle

*Team Mavitar is gathered at Uber Castle trying to hold in all of it Of course, SpellcraftQuill's seat is empty. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rdp6XPvJg40 is playing in the background.*

Mavitar: What manner of beast would kill all our waifus?

*He remembered SpellcraftQuill was vocal about his stance on waifus. PhantasticPhool.*

PhantasticPhool: Nah, it can't be him.

Apocrypha: Cobalnite mentioned only Azura's ring was left. It was as if she spoke of *that.*

Cobalnite: No, it can't be. We were so happy together.

*Cobalnite remains silent fighting back his sadness. Usually Felicia would bring tea had she not tripped over nothing but her absense as either a maid or a klutz couldn't bring any joy. '**Still the empty seat seemed uneasy. Mavitar was on Team Quilly along with the other prominent members of that region of GameFAQs. Well, except for Endgame who cock blocked SpellcraftQuill. Of course, he***d speak out.

Mavitar: *He*couldn't have done it.

Cobalnite: Nah, I doubt Quill would do it.

Apocrypha: What happened to him.

Cobalnite: He wanted peace and blamed it on the waifus.

PhantasticPhool: And lost it.

Cobalnite: I've got to admit I miss him. He was pretty sane until Endgame and Latino came along.

*Knocking is heard at the door and there was no Felicia to greet the visitors.*

Mavitar: I'll get it. Ready your weapons. We've got trouble. Bring salt and bread.

*And trouble they have. The NLA theme comes to a screeching halt as https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDRZYCVGGQY starts playing in the background. Greeting them was an army of Nohrian generics united under the banner of their queen PoisonedYouth, allied with Latino\_King's entourage. Of course, the appearance of the latter's presence was more to deal with than random mooks you'd slaughter in Birthright.*

Latino\_King: Hi Mavvy.

*PhantasticPhool acidentally looked below Latino\_King's belt. This can't be good. Team Mavitar readies their weapons.*

Latino\_King: You didn't do this, right?

Mavitar: Why the hell would I kill all your waifus?

Latino\_King: If Endgame didn't do it, Quilly must have done it!

Mavitar: Don't get salty now. Quilly's a -4!

Apocrypha: He could be lurking.

PoisonedYouth: He didn't have to leave. He was being unreasonable!

PhantasticPhool: Well, he did leave over a stupid argument.

Cobalnite: And what does this have to do with all our dead waifus?

Apocrypha: Calm down, Cobalnite. We're trying to reason with Latino\_King.

Mavitar: Reasoning with them is pointless.
Latino\_King: If Quilly pussied out, where is the Imhullhu?

*Mavitar shrugs.*

Latino\_King: PY, give the command.

BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqfPaFQI-MM

*PoisonedYouth points her sword towards Team Mavitar as the generic Nohrian soldiers charge the opression.*

Cobalnite: Are we really doing this?

*Generic Mook #63 stops dead in his tracks as he sees Cobalnite defeating many of PoisonedYouth's soldiers*

#63: You're the Waterboy!

Apocrypha: Huh?

Latino\_King (at a distance:) Don't just stand there!

*Latino\_King tears right past many of soldiers, friend and foe alike, with super strength and a thirst for blood. Well, that last part's debatable. Apocrypha dual-guards Cobalnite and somehow takes no damage. #63 looks at Latino\_King with fear and runs off, only to get skewered by Apocrypha as if she just Ninja'd him. To be fair, lances are on the same spot on the weapon triangle as shurikens. The generics lose their morale and the two members of the Church of Azura break loose.*

Apocrypha: Cobalnite! Where are you going?

Cobalnite: To stop this mess!

*He tries to escape but is stopped by Einvalt, the devil to the Church of Azura. The background music stops.*

Cobalnite: ...You...

Einvalt: Sorry. Not sorry.
Cobalnite: You dastard! Aren't you with Endgame?

*Einvalt chuckles*

Apocrypha: Hurry to GSO, Cobalnite! I'll take care of this dastard!

Einvalt: Don't you know she's gonna give you trench foot?

*Apocrypha is struggling to hold off the Azura-hating berserker. Cobalnite hesitates as he decides to take on Einvalt to aid Apocrypha. It's his turn to dual-guard her.*

#### Time to put on a show... Action!

*Lol, a Berserker versus a Grandmaster. It's fairly obvious who has the advantage in this bout. Nobody knows who Einvalt's waifu is other than a burning hatred for Azura equivalent to Endgame's fetish on hating Azura and Latino\_Kings hate-hate relationship with the bloody hellbeast. Cobalnite attempts to use his new water powers but nope. It's all evaporated into steam all because a certain troll needed to blow off some. Still, swords beat axes and Grandmasters have overall good stats so Cobalnite's evasion won out over Einvalt's lack of accuracy.*

#### Game!

    *Einvalt is left to lick his wounds and Cobalnite helps Apocrypha up who worn out from fighting her mortal enemy. BGM fades out.*

Cobalnite: Now my lady, get some rest. I'm going to solve this one.

Apocrypha: Be... safe...

*Cobalnite heads off into the distance with Apocrypha in his arms. 'Meanwhile, a cloaked entity taking a much familiar form to that of a certain cancer appears in Einvalt's mind. This is his theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F3P0DZqt80*

Einvalt: You...

*That cloaked figure morphs into Azura with her throat slit, providing Einvalt the motivation to fight on...*

### Scene 3: The Neutral? Lands

*Cobalnite journeys into the neutral lands in hopes of finding the one who can quell the new war. At its entrance is the decomposing corpse of a certain mercenary girl tied to a stake with feet cut off and a crow poking at her eye socket. It appeared as if she got clawed to death. Many knew these as the claws of Tumblrinas.*

Cobalnite: Nope.

*He takes her corpse off the stake and gives it a proper burial. More importantly, why was her body on display in the neutral lands? Cobalnite, however, was aware that somebody claimed her as his waifu. This was the somebody he was looking for. He comes upon SazukeEX commanding an army of the grotesque beasts known as the Social Justice Warriors, or SJWs. The people of GameFAQs knew better than to mess with these abominations. More importantly, why were they siding with SazukeEX? One of those savages spotted Cobalnite.*

SJW Clown (In a voice worse than Effie’s localized voice:) You! How dare you desecrate the Soleil Gate!

Cobalnite: Just let it go already! You’re the ones taking things out of hands!

*On of these repulsive things howled and pounced at the lover of Azura. Cobalnite evaded them (because they don’t identify as female despite being blessed with boingy bits) as he hurries to defend the neutral territory from SazukeEX.*

*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMc13A8LqaA is blasting in the background.*

    Cobalnite: Sazuke? You’re siding with them now? Do you ever stop?

SazukeEX: You know it, Elsa! Someone had to put Soleil out of her misery.

Cobalnite: Are you trying to start another flame war?

SazukeEX: You guys need to stop being so salty. This is why GameFAQs is such a hellhole.

Cobalnite: Just stop picking on the neutrals! We’re trying to maintain the peace!

#### Go for broke! Fight!

*He prepares to attack Cobalnite again but the grandmaster defends himself with Celica’s Gale. SazukeEX is too hardheaded to let himself get shredded and continues to face off against Cobalnite who still overwhelms him.*

#### Victoly!

*Having defeated SazukeEX, Cobalnite freezes him in a block of ice.*

Cobalnite: Where is GatedSunOne?

SazukeEX: Don’t ask me. He went out to look for who was killing everyone’s waifu.

*Cobalnite walks off, leaving the poor annoying bloke to freeze. He should have killed him when he had the chance. He did bring those SJWs to the neutral lands to stir things up. No wonder nobody likes Sasuke.*

### The Salt Mines

*Cobalnite continues his journey in search of GatedSunOne and is haunted by the spirit of Azura.*

Azura’s Spirit: Go... the Salt Mines...

*And to the Salt Mines Cobalnite went. This was a cave that the realm of GameFAQs feared but perhaps it held the answers to the genocide of every waifubando? Only a fool or Azura's lover would be wise to follow her words.*

ivanhellsing: Why the fuck are you here?

Cobalnite: To avenge my love.

ivanhellsing: Mavitar got everyone’s waifu killed. That don't make you special.

Cobalnite: Mavitar isn’t a mage! He wouldn’t do that. It’s Endgame who’d do something like that!

ivanhellsing: Well he ain’t a dark mage or has Shadowgift!

*Cobalnite scowls at his rival whose on Endgame’s side of this fucking fiasco.*

ivanhellsing: Quilly’s been sealed here.

Cobalnite: Well, he did leave after the waifu fiasco.

ivanhellsing: And what is he?

Cobalnite: He’s a Dark Mage, but I don’t think he’d go so low to kill all our waifus.

ivanhellsing: You’ll need to think again.

Cobalnite: He tried to end the war but failed!

ivanhellsing: He was only an instigator in their little spats. I'm going to go after him and kick his ass. I've already got backup.

*They both have their swords ready as* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkPk4-U8bGQ *blasts in the background.*

Cobalnite: Is this what Azura would want?

ivanhellsing: I’m going to make this a world that Azura would have wanted!

#### Go for broke!

Combat begins but neither has the advantage since they’re both equally guided by their love for Azura even if fate decreed them mortal enemies. Let’s not mention that swords and tomes are on the same spot of the weapon triangle. Ivanhellsing could use an axe but not against a Grandmaster. They fought to a near-draw as much blood was shed upon the grounds of the Salt Mines. Cobalnite thought to use his Azura powers but ivanhellsing too has them. Still, Cobalnite landed the last blow on his nemesis.

#### You proved yourself!

*Both of them are panting from their fight as they’ve exhausted themselves.*

ivanhellsing: You... win...

Cobalnite: I have no quarrel with you. Greater things are at stake.

*Cobalnite catches his breath as he heads deeper into the salt mines. In there is the decapitated body of the Sorcerer who was once his ally as the untrusted retainer of Mavitar as his body was impaled by a stalagmite.*

Cobalnite: Where’s your fucking head?

*He heads back out of the mines and finds that ivanhellsing is gone. Meanwhile at a camp...*

*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkHIopCeYRY* is in the background as the ninja teleports to his master.

TwilightYagami: Endgame-sama! One of Maviturd’s fools has been found in the Salt Mines.

*He drops ivanhellsing’s body on the ground, barely alive.*

Endgame: Why did you not capture him?

TwilightYagami: Would you not want your beloved assassin killed by a grandmaster? Sure I have daggers, but I stood no chance against that maggot who’d defy you.

Lazward: Heh, this one sparkles.

*This new member of Endgame’s entourage glares daggers.*

TwilightYagami: Perhaps I shall give you the Heath treatment?

Dekarus: Lel!

TwilightYagami: Although, I do have a gift for you.

*He unravels his bag to reveal SpellcraftQuill’s head. Dekarus picks it up and licks it. The others cringe.*

Endgame: Get that thing out of my sight.

*He slaps the head out of Decarus's hand. Said head rolls off into the unknown as TwilightYagami bows.*

## Chapter 2: Enter DolphinPants

### Scene 1: Don Corneo's Mansion

Team Latino meets within the office of Don Corneo’s office, refurbished to include a shrine of Effie and a torn up body pillow of Peri.

ChenYakumo: And what if there is a traitor among us?

Latino\_King: Nobody’s dumb enough to betray me. Anyways, bring in the prisoner.

*In comes DolphinPants reduced to just his trousers and wearied from battle. He is escorted by Flare\_Sorrow and AcerolaOnion.*

*AcerolaOnion shrugs.*

Latino\_King: Apparently, Endgame thinks he’s smart enough to kill all our waifus being that they’re not from a real Fire Emblem. We’ve got the remnants of Nohr assisting us against our enemy, but Mavitar should be held responsible for Quilly. Apparently Technickal knows something about our sanic mage.

Technickal1: DolphinPants claims to have been violated by one of Endgame’s assassins.

*DolphinPants is shivering, terrified by the mere mention of that assassin.*

DolphinPants: H-he had Quilly’s head!

Flare\_Sorrow: ...

Latino\_King (Suggestively): Oh, tell me more...

*DolphinPants gulps.*

DolphinPants: ...

ChenYakumo: Don’t make Latino slap you silly now.

DolphinPants: ...Stop! He did the unspeakable...

Technickal1: I think there’s a good reason why this assassin has Quilly’s head.

ChenYakumo: Sounds like some kind of ero guro fetish.

PlasmaStar: I saw what happened to our waifus- Dark Magic.

*Latino\_King pauses for a moment. He relishes in delight that Peri was among the first of the waifus to die in the genocide, but what of his beloved Effie weffie?*

Acerola-onion: How does a head still use Dark Magic?

DolphinPants: I-I don’t know!

*Latino\_King slaps DolphinPants silly*

Latino\_King: Shall we play strip poker? Where is his fucking head

Acerola-onion: Hehe, head. Quilly’s dead, King.

Latino\_King: That’s bullshit. You know he misses me.

DolphinPants: I-I don’t think anybody would miss him. He’s always getting in the way and hates waifus. Just please, LK, stop it!

Latino\_King: No can do. Somehow I think he’s still around.

DolphinPants: Well... everyone’s waifu dying seems like something he’d do...

ChenYakumo: He has spoken!

Latino\_King: You’re gonna make yourself useful, my precious DolphinPants. Boys, lock him up.

\*ChenYakumo and acerola\_onion drag DolphinPants into Latino\_King’s dungeon, renovated only by the image of Peri blow-up dolls in compromising situations. Some of these bloody behemoths have been deflated\*

DolphinPants: The fuck?

*He sits around until the door is unlocked and acerola\_onion’s body comes tumbling down the steps. At the door is a ninja-like figure.*

????: Scootaloo, dearie.

\*DolphinPants gulps and hurries\*

DolphinPants: What happened to everyone?

????: Kingles got drunk and ChenYakumo’s busy writing smut about it.

*An air of distrust fills the area, but who else could DolphinPants trust?*

DolphinPants: I get the feeling you don’t like these guys.

*FlareSorrow catches up with them with Raijiri and Mjolnir in hand doing a parody of Camilla’s Birthright 13 entrance.*

DolphinPants: Nope, nope, nope! You’re not even sexy like Camilla!

Flare\_Sorrow: Aww, but you’ve got your little harem.,

????: I’d love to play, but I’ve got some errands to run.

\*The ninja smoke bombs the high hell out of Don Latino’s mansion.\*

DolphinPants: If that’s how you want to play, then let’s do it!

Flare\_Sorrow: Oh, you just turned me on!

#### Round 1, Fight!

*DolphinPants isn’t much of a fighter being that he’s an Assassin, so his best hope was to activate a Lethality on the Mage-Fighter. Flare\_Sorrow didn’t seem to get any powers from his waifu until DolphinPants accidentally took a peek downstairs, horrified. He figured out Flare\_Sorrow’s powers, excessive horniness! DolphinPants, although proclaiming he’s bisexual, found a weak point and hit it for massive damage.*

#### Game!

*Flare\_Sorrow is on the ground, moaning in pain as DolphinPants hurries out of the mansion. In the distance, the ninja removes his mask, revealing the visage of TwilightYagami holding SpellcraftQuill’s head.*

TwilightYagami: I never gave the poor jellybean Quilly’s head. Oops!

### Scene 2: To Nohr

*DolphinPants continues running from the City of Midgar and crosses into Nohrian territory. It’s flag has been replaced by something... inappropriate for kids.*

DolphinPants: #BlamePY

*Who could blame her? Even worse was that DolphinPants found himself in enemy territory. He continued his way to the Chapter 3 Fates Bridge where the opposition has caught up to him. Coming off her horse was PoisonedYouth wielding a familiar sword like a riding crop.*

DolphinPants: Well now... That’s one way to hand a sword.

*On closer inspection that sword was Siegfried.*

PoisonedYouth: Like my new toy?

DolphinPants: I didn’t think you’d become trash like Latino!

PoisonedYouth: Oho, but I have.

DolphinPants: Why the hell are you acting like a sex-crazed maniac? And when did you learn to handle Xander’s sword?

PoisonedYouth: Oh, well he let me play with it every now and then. I had to teach our son to wield a sword anyways for when he becomes a man...

DolphinPants: Now that’s just creepy. And you’re friends with Niles.

PoisonedYouth: Have you ever lost a family?

DolphinPants: You’re full of shit, PY.

PoisonedYouth: I will find whoever did this and bring them to justice!

DolphinPants: Hey now, I can explain. Don’t pull a Xander.

PoisonedYouth: So you do know! Perhaps I shall... interrogate you?

*She whips out Siegfried.*

#### *Heaven or Hell, let’s rock!*

*PoisonedYouth takes up Siegfried and as a Grandmaster wielding a sword of darkness, she’s essentially gained Shadowgift.*

*DolphinPants turns to took somewhere at random.*

DolphinPants: Now hold on Quilly, that’s completely unfair.

???? (Off screen:) I hate you too Quilly!

*DolphinPants returns his glance at PoisonedYouth to avoid a Mire Sword attack channeled through Siegfried. His target wasn’t the Nohrian queen as much as he needed to escape but he can’t break Siegfried either. He had no choice but to evade PoisonedYouth’s newfound handling of her husbando’s blade. DolphinPants couldn’t decide whether he feared the dark energies of the sword or PoisonedYouth’s BDSM inspired swordplay either but eventually won. This was a short-lived victory as DolphinPants smelled the familiar smell of Garon’s excrements. PoisonedYouth cut the rope bridge they fought on.*

#### *Winner! DolphinPantsu!*

DolphinPants: Are you being stupid now?

PoisonedYouth: It’d be stupid to let us get captured by the enemy.

DolphinPants: I never thought you had a beef with Endgame.

PoisonedYouth: I know what I’m doing.

*DolphinPants didn’t trust PoisonedYouth. Meanwhile on the other side of the bridge...*

TwilightYagami: Say hi to Quilly for me, my dearest DolphinPantsu...

*He tosses the jar of Garon’s Excrements into the depths.*

### Scene 3: Valla

*PoisonedYouth and DolphinPants find themselves in Valla.*

DolphinPants: Oh. I get it. The Bubble Curse.

PoisonedYouth: Mmm-hmm.

DolphinPants: How are we going to get out of here?

*There is a familiar smell to DolphinPants. It is nasty.*

PoisonedYouth: ...Let's hope we can find Azura's spirit here.

DolphinPants: What makes you think she isn't being controlled by something else?

*PoisonedYouth remained silent as they ventured into the reaches of the Invisible Kingdom. That presence stalked them.*

DolphinPants: I think we're being followed.

PoisonedYouth: They'll fear a woman stripped of her family.

*DolphinPants remains silent. That presence continues following them until it jumps at PoisonedYouth to interrogate her! DolphinPants knows it as Gheb\_.*

DolphinPants: What. The. Fuck?

PoisonedYouth: Gheb\_ has so much hatred that he was spared from whoever killed all the waifus!

DolphinPants: At least you have Assama as a back-up husbando unlike this whale!

*He knocks Gheb\_ off PoisonedYouth. This arouses the trollish monstrosity.*

PoisonedYouth: Only Xander violates me like that!

Gheb\_: Ufufu, you know you want some Gheb, BottomPants!

PoisonedYouth: Blech.

DolphinPants: And I still hate you as much as that Twilight idiot!

Gheb\_: I'm sure you'll find me far more pleasurable than Sparkles!

*Gheb\_ is ready to pounce on his "friend" but in comes OracleOfDelphox roasting the pig with his tome Ignis Fatuus.*

DolphinPants: Quilly?

OracleOfDelphox: You wish. That disgusting creature had it coming.

DolphinPants: Gheb\_ or Quilly?

OracleOfDelphox: You mentioned Quilly, so therefore I referred to him.

*PoisonedYouth looks at the Oracle with disdain*

PoisonedYouth: Where did you get that tome from? What do you know of Quill?

*OracleOfDelphox clapped slowly.*

OracleOfDelphox: You should know, Miss Queen of Nohr. You drove him away to make GameFAQs a shitpile.

PoisonedYouth: I admit he went far, but he didn't have to freak out.

OracleOfDelphox: And that is why I have taken up his tome. You represent one of the warring kingdoms, and for that I'm going to clean house. You are a waifu after all to Lord Xander.

DolphinPants: Hey now, that's no way to talk to a queen.

OracleOfDelphox: Nohr is a plague if she is to ally with LatinoKing. I should be his second!

DolphinPants: I'm just going to do GameFAQs a favor and kill you.

OracleOfDelphox: Scotaloo, biatch.

*The Oracle takes out his Freeze Staff to hold PY in place*

#### Ready?

*The assassin and the Onmyouji were evenly matched as DolphinPants knew better than to use his archery. DolphinPants felt outmatched, especially since the Oracle favored Status staves for the lulz. DolphinPants had to face the Oracle like a Dark Souls boss- something taking lots of patience. Eventually, he activated his Lethality.*

#### Fatality!

*PoisonedYouth was recovering from being frozen as enough time passed during the battle.*

PoisonedYouth: Sorry I couldn't help but you didn't have to kill him.

DolphinPants: He had it coming.

### Scene 4: The Salt Sea

*DolphinPants and PoisonedYouth look for a way to escape, still in Valla.*

PoisonedYouth: So, how do we get out?

*An explosive shuriken separates them and knocks DolphinPants into an alternate dimension consisting entirely of salt.*

DolphinPants: ...Wrong way.

*The ninja from earlier dives in to remove his mask, revealing the face of another one of DolphinPants' enemies.*

TwilightYagami: Oh my sweetest jellybean. Well, aren't you quite the meatspinner. You found yourself a lovely queen. Welcome to the Salt Sea!

DolphinPants: Oh. My. Fucking. God.

TwilightYagami: Come on now, DolphinPantsu, we haven't reached the climax yet! <3

DolphinPants: The only climax you'll be seeing is your own!

TwilightYagami: Ara, ara... I grew tired of playing all on my lonesome and I need a new playmate! Lucky you I don't violate a woman...

DolphinPants: Please, I thought we had a deal.

TwilightYagami: Oh, poopie. My fellow retainer towards the Saltlord just died. It's a shame what happened to my beloved Delphox. But with Ghebbles Pebbles dead, I get more time to get inside your DolphinPantsu! Now, let me have some of those jellybeans!

DolphinPants: ...Sure. Bring it.

*The ninja frowns, knowing it’s a trap.*

TwilightYagami: Aww... the sad little DolphinPantsu want’s to play-ay-y...

*He makes a puppy dog face. DolphinPants doesn’t fall for it.*

#### Play in real Earnest.

*DolphinPants was familiar with the most sparkly of ninjas and felt the spirit of his waifu Nina pushing him on to defeat his pursuer once and for all. Being that he had archery which had the advantage over Twilight’s shurikens, it would have been a solid match, but his foe is one tough motherfucker who doesn’t understanding the meaning of the word “no.” Eventually, DolphinPants gave in and embraced Twilight- right around the neck and slamming him face down into the salty grounds. There was blood and lots of it.*

#### Climax!

DolphinPants (Mocking TY:) Ta, ta love.

*TwilightYagami was beyond dazed. Perhaps he’s reached the climax? DolphinPants knew one thing- he needed an escape from the Land of Salt. It was feared as a place worse than death. Some say that Endgame is Emperor of this realm... Eventually, the victim of lust came upon a notebook. He knew the handwriting.*

DolphinPants: Quilly, I know you’re out there somewhere. You're behind this, aren't you?

*Meanwhile in the distance.*

TwilightYagami: I hate that sanic mage. I hate that sanic mage. I hate that sanic mage!

*A familiar voice is heard. Reforged from salt is a familiar mage.*

????: How shall we do the deed?

TwilightYagami: Patience, my precious one.

*He makes out with the shadowy figure that reveals OracleOfDelphox's smirk.*