The Critical Drinker

slurnp

> "Beer's fine. Whisky's better"
>
>

> - Drinker, setting the record straight
>
>

**The Critical Drinker**, or **The** **Drinker** or just **Drinker** for short, is a movie reviewer. He often covers failed new additions to old franchises, films placing hamfisted political messages over other elements of the story, though he also does plenty of standard movie reviews as well. As his name suggests, he drinks a lot, which contributes to his drunken Scottish delivery.

Drinker and MauLer cohost a weekly stream on Drinker's channel called Open Bar

In the real world, Critical Drinker is a sober author, going by the name **Will Jordan**

## History

### Lengthy Introductions

> “I'm from Scotland, love is not what we do in here”
>
>

Critical Drinker first joined MauLer, Rags, and Wolf on EFAP 40, which began with the trio looking at a slurry of memes while Drinker looked on in confused amusement. After the memes, the gang took a look at CryMor Gaming's "Doom Eternal Looks Terrible," with Jay joining them partway through, and Drinker related to CryMor's apparent bad history with poledancing and sausages. CryMor ended up coming onto the stream for a few minutes to talk about the video, and got along rather well with them. The gang then moved their attention to Schaffrillas Productions' video claiming *The Last Jedi* handled Luke Skywalker better than *Avengers: Endgame* handled Thor, and Shadiversity joined them, bringing with him the sounds of his children in the background. The gang generally agreed with the Thor section of Schaffrillas' video, but almost every sentence of the Luke portion launched a conversation about how poorly *The Last Jedi* handled his character. At one point, Drinker and the rest of the gang discussed whether a character can be portrayed as both a mentor and as someone who has to learn something, with Drinker saying no and the others saying yes, though Drinker eventually realized he agreed and was moreso objecting to *The Last Jedi*'s execution rather than the concept. Six and a half hours in, the gang took an intermission and picked up where they left off with EFAP 41, where they finished off Schaffrillas' video, and Drinker stepped out after commenting that they'd been streaming for so long that it had gone from daylight to night and back to daylight for him

#### Spider Wars - Foreshadowing

During EFAP 41, Drinker made his dislike of *Spider-Man: Homecoming* known, foreshadowing the Spider-Wars and frustrating MauLer by erroneously claiming that the FBI was never called on Vulture when they were.

### The One Year Anniversary of Pausing Every Frame

Drinker joined EFAP 50 about seven hours in, at the beginning of the meme section, once again finding himself out of the loop of the various in-jokes, though he could still appreciate the fanart.

He was present in Part 2 for HelloGreedo's "Everything You Think is Important is Not Important - Star Wars: The Last Jedi [SPOILERS]". He left around three hours into Part 2 during "STAR WARS: Why REY isn't A MARY SUE" after meeting PSA Stitch and Doomcock

### Back to Form

Drinker joined MauLer, Rags, and Fortea in EFAP 52 to take a closer look at The Closer Look, who had a strange way of speaking and wanted the finale of *Avengers: Endgame* to be more EPICK like Helm's Deep. The Closer Look ended up coming on the stream for a conversation and was very nice, and it was noted this was the second time this happened while Drinker was on

### The *Joker* War

> "Well, joke's on you Bob, because we're not black so we don't have to laugh at your jokes"
>
>

Drinker joined MauLer, Rags, Weekend Warrior, and Doomcock on EFAP 57 to take a look at The Young Turks' video "Why This 'Joker' is a Real LOSER," which claimed that *Joker* has a problem with black women, and minorities in general, who won't laugh at his jokes. After this they moved to the main attraction, MovieBob's *Joker* review, where Bob claimed the movie was a substanceless ripoff of about 20 other movies without saying why that is

### Into The Poop Dimension

> "It's trying to stop pissing like, mid-stream, you know it just - 'I already started, now I have to finish'"
>
>

> - Drinker, on Palpatine's Force lightning
>
>

Drinker joined an ensemble cast in the aftermath of *Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker* to comb through the story for everything that went wrong in EFAP Order 66. Most notably, Drinker witnessed the discovery that the entire Universe had been transported to The Poop Dimension, where wizards from *Harry Potter* used to send their poop. He theorized that it was the release of *The Rise of Skywalker* that did this, whereas Jay theorized the film's release was caused by it. Drinker managed to stay for six hours of laughter and merriment before calling it a night. Before he left he cast his vote for General Hux as the most inconsistent character in the trilogy

### Cinema Sins/Wins Double Feature

Drinker joined MauLer, Rags, SmilerAl, and HeelVsBabyface in EFAP 83 for the first CinemaSins/Wins Double Feature, where they would see how each channel manages to tackle a good movie. The movie in question was none other than *Joker*, making this the final stage of the J\*ker War.

Drinker introduced the gang to the seven-cylinder revolver, an unconventional yet highly powerful weapon

### The Two Year Anniversary of Pausing Every Frame

Drinker, alongside WorldClassBullshitters, joined seven and a half hours into Part 1 of EFAP 100, perfectly timed to catch the tail end of a conversation about pedophilia. He joined MauLer, Rags, Metal, WCB, Cynical Reviews, and MarctheCyborg in watching Ben Shapiro's ranking of the *Star* *Wars* films, then stayed around with Literature Devil, MarkAfterDark, and Voxis to watch AJ "Toxic Brood" Carabello give a middling review of *The Rise of Skywalker*, before congratulating the gang on 100 episodes and heading out

### EFAPs 153 (*Shang Chi*), 160 (*League of Extraordinary Gentlemen*), 172 (*Arcane*), & 186 (*Multiverse of Madness*)

TBA

### The Time Drinker Lied

Drinker was not on EFAP 222, but his review of *Glass Onion* was, as it was the subject of Pillar of Garbage's video in which he accused Drinker of lying about the film, and MauLer, Rags, Fringy, Metal, Capital-O Opinions, E;R, and DasBoSchitt assembled to take a look. Pillar of Garbage made it known that he avoids Drinker's video on principle, but made a convenient exception so he could respond to this one and set the record straight. He established early on the use of his "Irony Piano," which he would press whenever Drinker called something stupid to communicate that it was Drinker who was stupid, actually. He rolled his eyes at Drinker hearkening back to *The Last Jedi* and *Knives Out*, apparently unaware that Rian Johnson had also directed both of those films, one to which *Glass Onion* was a sequel, then defended the abundance of coincidences by citing published author Barb "Bob" Goffman saying coincidences are good as long as they are purposeful. A closer look at Goffman's quote by E;R, however, revealed that what she actually said was that the writer should make the coincidence *not* be a coincidence at all.

Pillar of Garbage defended various things like a murderer allowing an uninvited murder detective accompanied by the woman he seemingly murdered to his invite-only amateur murder mystery party, first by arguing why choices like that made sense, and then by arguing that they didn't have to make sense since Miles was dumb. He would similarly try to justify the movie as being realistic only to then say it was not meant to be realistic, but rather have verisimilitude, a word that meant almost the same thing as realism. Pillar of Garbage would often interpret Drinker calling plot points contrived as him saying they were not possible at all, a sentiment echoed by one of his commenters asking if Drinker knew that twins existed, and concluded that all the coincidences he cited were not coincidences but "just things that happen," accidentally describing what a coincidence is. He also had a tendency to take the film's word as gospel, like when he responded to Drinker questioning why someone as smart as Andy got herself killed by someone as stupid as Miles with the clip from the movie where Blanc describes her as having gotten herself killed because she was smart. Pillar of Garbage began asking his own crazy questions to combat Drinker's, Glass Onioning himself into believing Drinker's basic questions about the movie were evidence of some convoluted way of thinking. Much to everyone's amusement, MauLer made a joke about only being able to understand Drinker after reading various obscure philosophers, only to unpause the video and hear Pillar of Garbage reference Matthew Arnold, something made even funnier by him later accusing Drinker of being pretentious despite Drinker portraying himself as a lowlife alcoholic. He defended Helen surviving being shot due to a notepad in her pocket on the grounds that it's not impossible for it to have had metal inside it, then switched gears to appealing to it being a classic whodunnit trope, despite having also criticized Drinker for what he saw as wanting the movie to follow more whodunnit tropes. He then accused Drinker of the same, despite Drinker never actually advocating for more tropes, then conceded that perhaps Drinker was criticizing the movie for wanting to have its cake and eat it too when it came to tropes, but brushed that off because Drinker did not explain why having your cake and eating it too is bad, despite himself having just accused Drinker of wanting to have his cake and eat it too. Pillar of Garbage famously scoffed at Drinker's description of Miles' mansion being "leveled" by the explosion, refuting it with a clip of a building-sized fireball originating in the room everyone was standing in then showing a room littered with flames and broken structures and asking why anyone should die from this.

Pillar of Garbage made his biggest case for calling Drinker a liar at this point, explaining that the two contradictory clips Drinker showed did not actually contradict one another since they just showed different snippets of a longer sequence, meaning MauLer then had to explain that the new information added in the second clip was irrelevant, since the new information gained from the second clip was not being hidden from Blanc in-universe, it was being hidden from the audience to give them a false impression of what was happening. Pillar of Garbage even conceded that he could not actually come up with a good reason why Drinker would lie about this, but nonetheless was dedicated to fighting these lies, even adding in a classic "I didn't want to make this video." Drinker's conclusion that *Glass Onion* used "It's just dumb!" line to justify its own lazy writing was naturally met with an Irony Piano note. Throughout his video, Pillar of Garbage also could not stop comparing Drinker to Ben Shapiro, evidenced only by them both disliking the same film and possibly motivated by a belief that Drinker agreed with Shapiro politically. MauLer came away with the opinion that Drinker needed to become a Longman like himself, explaining and backing up his points in even finer detail to make it harder for people to mischaracterize what he is saying. With Pillar of Garbage's video being so at odds with the reality of both Drinker's video and the film itself, one might go so far as to say Pillar of Garbage lied about Drinker. EFAP would never do that, but someone might...

#### Pillar of Garbage's Other Video

> "As a matter of principle I try my best to avoid watching this guy's videos"
>
>

> "Look, I didn't really want to make this video, but..."
>
>

> - Pillar of Garbage, EFAP 222
>
>

He made another one

### Hasan Tells Drinker to Commit Suicide Because He Disliked a Movie

> "If you watched the fucking *Barbie* movie, if you watched the *Barbie* movie and it makes you feel this sad, like you should- you should follow through on that desire, that sense of despair, you know what I mean? If you can't fuckin deal, with a toy movie for both children and adults, you're not built for this world, you know? Just- just, shut it off, you know what I mean? Just-just quit movies, maybe quit everything altogether, you know what I mean? Just... it's not for you, it's not happening. Just- just, turn it off"
> - Hasan Piker
>
>

Drinker's review of *Barbie* crossed the path of none other than Hasan Piker, who took a stab at debunking it onstream. MauLer joined Sitch and Adam on their 285th episode to take a look at the reupload of that segment of Hasan's stream, which began full speed ahead with Hasan accusing Drinker of being alt right, being vitriolically mad, and of blaming the movie for the downfall of western civilization before Drinker even finished the intro of his review. When Drinker likened *Barbie* to *Captain Marvel*, *Ghostbusters* (2016), and *She-Hulk*, Hasan accused him of poisoning the well by conflating it with bad, unsuccesful movies, differentiating them from *Barbie* because *Barbie* grossed over a billion dollars, apparently unaware that *Captain Marvel* also made over a billion and apparently also unaware that he is an anti-capitalist and should not be using profit as a marker of quality. Hasan repeatedly referred to *Barbie* as not simply a movie for children, but for children *and* adults, as a reason why it should not be taken seriously, and bizarrely enough described at length why Drinker should kill himself for taking the movie too seriously, though being careful not to say those exact words onstream.

When Drinker called the scene of Barbie being smacked on the ass in public overexaggerated to the point of unrealism, Hasan retorted that the point was to be overexaggerated, but then also retorted that it was actually true to real life, then when Drinker praised the film *Enchanted* for better handling the contrast between fiction and harsh reality, Hasan got upset at him for comparing things. Hasan did have his own criticism of the film, arguing that the film's climax was too liberal as opposed to portraying historical materialism, as well as having an incel mindset that takes away from a woman's role in society, raising the question of why he was criticizing a toy movie for children and adults. When Drinker expressed a desire for an ending that highlighted that both men and women have their own strengths and should be given equal opportunities, Hasan mocked him for sounding like a feminist, which he apparently considered to be a bad thing. Despite that, however, he also concluded that Drinker's issue with the film was that he wanted women to have their civil rights suppressed and for men to have control over women's autonomy, contrasting Drinker against the superior alpha males of yesteryear who died in wars, which he apparently considered a good thing. He speculated that Drinker would also hate *The Powerpuff Girls* because Mojo Jojo was a male villain, then apparently remembered the Powerpuff Girls actually did have a positive and competent male loved one in their lives in the form of their father, and so switched gears to arguing Drinker would want him to be the main character, then called his own hypothetical that he just made up "very odd." Sitch found the claim that *Powerpuff* *Girls* would be deemed too feminist especially ironic given the show had an episode where a female criminal uses feminist talking points to justify her own immoral behavior only to be shown to be wrong. Hasan put forth that Drinker should have criticized the movie for being unambitious in portraying the darker side of the Barbie society, once again raising the question of why Hasan was taking a toy movie for kids and adults this seriously. He also argued that the society where half its citizens cannot participate in government or style their hair certain ways was an ideal one because no one was being mistreated, then concluded by agreeing with a message in chat that said the point of the movie was that the Kens were being mistreated

### EFAP on YMS on YMS on Drinker on Russell Brand

Once again, Drinker himself was absent from EFAP 248, but an interview he had done with Russell Brand was the topic of discussion. FutureMauLer, FutureRags (he'll be there in a few minutes), FutureFringy, and FutureYMS took a look at PastYMS taking a look at PastDrinker and PastRussell Brand. PastYMS laid out that he had heard both positive and negative things about Drinker here and there, with some asking for him to be on the Sardonicast and others wanting him not to be, and so wanted to see what it was about him that appealed to people, mentioning him having landed interviews with bigger names like Russell Crowe as evidence that he must be resonating with people in some way. FutureYMS explained that he chose the interview with Russell Brand since it was just Drinker talking about broad topics rather than a specific video that may only be a narrow slice of his content, whereas MauLer would have recommended a positive review, a negative review, and a review of a more obscure movie to give a good sampling, and felt that the Russell Brand interview would have been more filtered through what Brand wanted to talk about.

PastYMS described the gist of what he got from Drinker's content as "Hollywood's woke now," to which MauLer described the bulk of what Drinker talks about as just being movie writing, only bringing up political topics when he felt as though the movie itself did, though more politically-charged clips may be the ones that circulate. PastYMS figured Drinker seemed to make videos less focused on film as an art form, which MauLer completely disagreed with. FutureYMS clarified that he felt Drinker's channel was more skewed towards mainstream films rather than ones that try to say something new. MauLer asked if he would say the same of EFAP, and FutureYMS ultimately answered no, and added that the more typical a movie is the less art it is. Fringy asked him what he considered to be art, and FutureYMS answered that anything can be art since anything has the capacity to invoke an emotional response within people, but that just like how everything is technically subjective but some things are more objective than others, some things can be more artistic than others, and the more a piece of art does something new rather than recreate the same experience the more artistic it is. He figured that Drinker may attract viewers who are more into the political angle rather than the movies themselves, and MauLer asked if similar could be said of most YouTube critics, to which FutureYMS ultimately agreed that most YouTube critics would attract people who are interested in movies more as entertainment, but not so much those who are into conspiracy theories.

At this point, FutureYMS went to go pee. PastYMS recounted how his friend's sister had fallen down a conspiracy theory rabbithole and believes the elites want to force people to eat bugs, and when he asked her boyfriend what movie reviewers he watches, the only one he listed was Drinker, which will always stick with him. FutureRags figured that Drinker has broad enough appeal that basically any type of person might watch him, even Rags' dad watches him, and when FutureYMS returned from peeing, MauLer asked him if he thought that was a fair thing to open with, to which he answered he only brought it up as an anecdote and specified as much, feeling it was better to be upfront about any potential biases he had going in. MauLer asked how he would feel if a similar anecdote was told about either of them, to which FutureYMS answered he only considered the connection relevant since Drinker is often criticized for culture war stuff. MauLer expressed concern that YMS' audience is already inclined against Drinker, while FutureYMS disagreed and felt it was half and half, citing a highly-rated comment on his VOD that gave a balanced summary of the stream. MauLer was happy to agree that there was no malice behind him bringing up the anecdote, but felt that strategically it wasn't fair to Drinker.

PastYMS wished that Drinker had a better media diet, though FutureYMS had already conceded while he still feels it could be healthier he had learned in the interrim it was more varied than he had initially thought, PastYMS took issue with Drinkers' series being titled Why Modern Movies Suck when it was just focused on studio movies, whereas MauLer was in agreement with Drinker that movies are noticeably worse now than they have been in past decades. FutureYMS asked if in those videos Drinker clarified he only meant mainstream movies, and while MauLer was uncertain he answered that regardless that would be made clear by the movies he uses as examples, though YourMovieSucks still considered it likely the title could lead someone to thinking he meant all movies

TBA

## Powers and Abilities

* **Indian Mind Control** - By making a positive review of Indian film *RRR*, Drinker gained the ability to mind control Indian people to carry out his bidding

## Weapons and Equipment

* **Drink** - Drinker is never caught without his bottle of drink, which can even affix itself to his mouth and seemingly never runs out
* **Seven-Cylinder Revolver** - Drinker has developed his own make of revolver with seven cylinders
* **Sunglasses** - Drinker's sunglasses make him good at reviewing movies

## Trivia

* He's drunk
* He strongly objects to the existence of Orphans [EFAP 40]
* He supports fat-shaming, which MauLer disagrees with (he only supports ugly-shaming)
* Drinker lives close to the sea
* He doesn't close his bathroom door, not even when there are guests in the house. It's because it's exhilarating.
* Drinker knows that swords can be found intact, since he has tried to hide lot of murder weapons and they have always been found down the line.
* He is a fan of the Scottish national team
* Likes Pokémon
* He wears sunglasses indoors, much to Organized Chaos' disdain. He can also remember taking a shit, which Organized Chaos cannot comprehend either
* YourMovieSucks' friend's sister's boyfriend watches Drinker, and also believes in conspiracy theories about elites trying to force people to eat bugs

## Quotes

* "Nah, it'll be fine" - said to something flawed that the author ignored
* "Hello, hello." - Introductionary meeting on EFAP
* "If by interesting you mean fucking bullshit"
* "That's exactly the reason why I'm suspect of people like Critical Drinker. Again, I'm not saying he's controlled opposition, but there's just something- I dunno, I guess when you condense a problem to 'the message' instead of naming *them*" - Synthetic Man, on Drinker not being antisemitic
* "To be fair, Drinker is just so highbrow, so complex, so complicated. You need to have read Gojinga, and F'Leem, all of their works, I would say, before consuming any Drinker. Wanna get Brian and his musings, these are the important elements" - MauLer, EFAP 222
* "Meanwhile dude, the average Critical Drinker video will start with him saying, 'I was out on a bender, and I fuckin vomited in my own asshole, and then I watched this movie" - MauLer, EFAP 222
* "Is this guy an alt right guy? I mean I don't even disagree with this" - Hasan Piker on Drinker, Sitch & Adam 285
* "Oh god, these guys are- oh, you're a fucking freak" - Hasan after hearing Drinker say half a sentence
* "It's additionally funny, because the movie was like, objectively a success. So... y'know... maybe, maybe let the- maybe let the- the professionals handle it, y'know what I mean? They clearly have a better grasp on this than you do, y'know what I mean?" - Hasan, a socialist, to Drinker, a published author
* "And you're like, 'but why didn't-' heh, 'why was there no equality?' You sound like a feminist" - Hasan after Drinker said men and women both have their strengths and should have equal rights
> "Go away now!"
>
>