Our Mate

**Our Mate**, or sometimes just **Mate**, (not to be confused with *Arrrr Matey*) is a man who suffers from perpetual misfortune. Although his regular inconveniences are often orchestrated by either Lääplääpläas or Eric van Dorenkamp, there have been occasions where they have happened without Lääplääpläas or van Dorenkamp's influence. He is also characterised by his inability to speak.

## Origins

McCauliffe and Spears first encountered Our Mate by pure accident one snowy day at the Orton Centre. At the time the centre was being redeveloped (allegedly), and many building remained shells whilst this was happening. The duo noticed that a siding of the building was open as they approached it, and due to pure human innocent curiosity, the two poked their heads around to see what was inside. The building was dark, but both looked over to the far end where a man was busy sorting some cabling out in a high visibility jacket. The two looked for maybe just over two seconds before the man looked over his shoulder to see who was behind them, feeling a presence. All those involved looked at each other for about a second before McCauliffe and felt a bit strange and continued on their way. Little did they know that this was Our Mate who they had just encountered, but it was to be another few years before he was fully established in the Boot Humour pantheon.

## Incidents

### **The Bridge**

Mate was invited to Lääplääpläas' flat for Christmas dinner. Desperate for somewhere to stay, he accepted Lääplääpläas' offer. Lääplääpläas laid on a delicious, traditional Christmas feast, hosting a number of classic party games and generally putting a smile on Mate's face. When Mate woke up on Boxing Day, Lääplääpläas' shadowy figure stood at the door. "Fun's over" he said, and then reached out and grabbed Our Mate with one hand.

He hurled him into the back of a van. Our Mate was bound and gagged, unable to move. Eventually the van stopped and, when the doors opened, Our Mate saw a bridge. Lääplääpläas heaved Mate out of the van, removed the tape over his mouth, and then dangled him over the edge of the bridge. As Mate kicked and struggled, Lääplääpläas shot him a menacing glare and asked "did you think you were gonna *die*?". When Our Mate nodded, Lääplääpläas cried "good" and then hurled him over the side.

Mate managed to grab on and hung there for a few seconds before he heard the sound of a woman humming. An odour of Cheetos and rotten egg washed over him, and then Mate looked up to see a familiar sight. Eric van Dorenkamp was leaning precariously over the edge when he asked "could I borrow a fiver?". Before Mate could answer, Eric stretched his arm out and withdrew a £5 note from Mate's jeans. He then exited, promising to pay Mate back.

As Mate struggled to keep his grip, he saw Lääplääpläas' silhouette hanging from underneath the bridge like a bat. This startled him so much he lost his grip and plummeted to the ground.

A few hours later, he woke to the sound of a heart monitor. He had been taken to hospital and was in critical care. Confused and frightened, he pressed the buzzer to attract a nurse's attention. He felt a twinge of relief when he heard the door creak open. However, that quickly dissipated when he a jaw emerge from behind it. Lääplääpläas swept into the room with the same malice in his gaze. Suddenly, his limbs began to convulse and dislocate. His whole being shifted into a monstrous arachnid form as he advanced on Mate by scuttling up the wall and onto the ceiling. Mate slammed the buzzer, but it didn't seem to emit a sound. As Lääplääpläas lunged at Mate, Mate's body jerked and he was left looking at the same room without Lääplääpläas.

Releasing a sigh of relief, he saw in the door's reflection the ghostly outline of Lääplääpläas. Lääplääpläas placed his finger to his lips, hissed "shhh", and then blew away like smoke.

### **The Granary**

One evening after work, Our Mate joined his friend Peter for a drink at the Granary. Whilst leaning at the bar, and surrounded by his friends, he reached over and slapped the bottom of the waitress who had been serving them. To his horror, the waitress turned out to be Eric and with that one tap the petite figure began to bulge and swell, causing the buttons from his shirt and trousers to fly off. His body gradually engulfed the whole bar area.

On a second occasion, Mate was once again invited out with Peter and some work colleagues for a Christmas do. Whilst on the way to the bathroom, Mate walked by what he thought was a Christmas tree which was stood in the welcome area. However, it turned out to be just Lääplääpläas somehow creating an optical illusion of a Christmas tree. Plaapsy pulled Our Mate into a then real Christmas Tree and proceeded to assault him. When Mate was eventually released from Plaapsy's grasp and flung from the tree, he lay for quite some time on the floor. A little later Peter walked over, mistaking Mate's battered appearance for drunkenness, and walked him out of the restaurant.

### **Flight to Dusseldorf**

Back in 2011, Our Mate and Chav Rat flew to Germany for the Eurovision Song Contest. Mate had the privilege of getting a middle row seat, with Rat on the aisle side, and a morbidly obese Lewis Barański on the window side, taking up most of Mate's room. Barański also continued to suffer from flatulence on the flight, and on one occasions was thought to have soiled himself due to the audible sound and foul stench. Because of this, Mate was forced to squeeze up tighter to the pregnant Rat, who yelled numerous times at him for taking up its space. When food was rationed out, Barański was reported to have repeatedly belched breathy eggy burps in Mate's direction, and even smiled lazily when he saw Mate react. Not long after, Barański became unwell on the flight and ended up repeatedly vomiting on Mate and his hand-luggage.

To make matters worse, Mate met Barański once again for the return flight to London, where once again was subjected to Braranski's eggy breath and vomit.

### **Dealings with Prostitution**

Though completely out of character, Mate found himself driving late at night after a particularly bad day at work, wherever that was, and after a one-sided row with Chav Rat felt rather demorilised and lonely. After passing a few prostitutes, he decided that he would call-over the next prostitute he saw. He pulled-up around a dark-corner, and saw the shape of a person wearing a wet-look mini skirt, with holed-tights and a denim jacket. Mate sounded the horn, encouraging her to come over, and turned to look He shamefully onward as she approached the vehicle. The person stopped at the window and whispered in 'so you wanna have a good time tonight', with Mate still staring forward. Mate glanced back over as he watched the hooker open the door and slowly ease into the seat, back-first. It was only when she closed the door and turned to face him did Mate discover that the prostitute was actually Eric van Dorenkamp dressed as a hooker. Eric smiled, and the interior light began to fade, concealing the look of horror on Mates face.

It was reported that Mate, feeling depressed and desperate, parked up, turned of his lights, and his dark silhouette pressed against his window, as Eric's head lowered. Mate's car was said to have bounced slightly on a few occasions, accompanied by a breathy cry from Eric.

A few moments later, thousands of spotlights flashed on, illuminating the car with Mate and Eric in the most compromising sexual position you can imagine. Before Mate could grasp what was going on, and wriggle free of Eric, Eric hit the convertible button, and the roof lowered down, revealing to Mates horror a sold-out arena with thousands upon thousands of people, as well as every major national and international media organisation filming it.

Whilst Eric took it as another great performance, Mate was clearly horrified by the event and is still ridiculed by most members of society today. Eric was said to have only have charged Mate for a 'fiver' after the whole ordeal. Mate was later arrested for undercharging a prostitute.

### **Starfish**

Mate woke up one day and realised he had the ability to turn into a starfish. However, when he used it he was unable to turn back into a human. He was found on the ground outside by a stranger, who handed him in to the local aquarium. The aquarium dumped him in a tank with other starfish and fishes, and Mate had to sit there and be a starfish for an unknown length of time.

### **New car**

Mate experienced a rare case of good fortune and somehow managed to win a brand new car. He visited the garage and picked it up, and was eager to take it for a little drive around town. The car was an extremely nice and expensive car and Mate was enjoying driving it.

As Mate turned a corner, he realised the thoroughfare he was now driving down was thronged with people who, at first glance, looked like protesters. However, he soon noticed the Swastika flags and Nazi symbols and realised he was about to drive through a neo-Nazi rally. Although he drove through as carefully as he could, he did not manage to avoid various mini Nazi flags and stickers becoming attached to the livery. Unbeknownst to him, he was driving through the city with his brand new car adorned with Nazi paraphernalia.

As he exited the rally's crowd, who had started to cheer and chant at him in support, and progressed further down the street, he collided with protesters who were protesting against the Nazi rally he had just driven through. Horrified by the Nazi decorations slathered all over his not-even-an-hour-old car, they launched themselves at him and hurled bricks, eggs and other items at him. Soon, dozens of protesters had swarmed Mate and blocked his path so he was unable to drive away. They then surrounded the car and began to violently hit it with baseball bats until, so incensed by what his car was covered in, they teamed together to tip his car over by pushing it over and over while a terrified, innocent Mate sat cowering inside behind his steering wheel.

In his despair, Mate silently prayed that he could somehow escape. In that moment, time literally froze. A cold, chilling feeling gripped Mate, and an unfurling mist swirled into Lääplääpläas himself. Plaapsy told Mate that he would save him from this situation if Mate gave him a fiver. Mate obliged, and he was instantly teleported to the other side of the street. As time resumed, he had to stand and watch as his car was absolutely trashed. It burst into flames and was struck with a piano and an anvil.

This all made Mate late for work, for which he was punished as usual by Boss.

## Tokyo Trip

### **Hotel**

After enduring an 11 hour flight, again sitting next to Lewis Barański, and having the misfortune of getting directions off Qīng Chóng Sally when he got to the airport, Mate eventually landed in Tokyo for his holiday, which by-chance, coincided with McCauliffe and Spears' holiday in Tokyo.

His hotel was situated in Harajuku, Shibuya, quite close to the disappointing *Owl Cafe & Bar Owl Village.* When he finally got to the hotel room, he was initially disappointed with the rooms disheveled appearance, but was quickly able to see past that as he was finally away from everybody tormenting him in his life. Little did he realise that Lääplääpläas had managed to track him down, and that evening on Mates first night, Plaaps stood outside the hotel, starting up at Mates window in the rain, watching Mates silhouette behind the curtain. At this moment a large white British Lorry Driver appeared with a suitcase and asked Plaapsy if he knew of any hotels. Plaapsy realised he could work this into his ploy, and pointed to Our Mates room.

Our Mate awoke in the night, feeling a large presence next to him. Without a word, Mate reached his hand back and felt the rotund body of The Lorry Driver laying there next to him. Feeling Mate's hand touch his body, The Lorry Driver stirred and rolled over, placing his large arm around Mates face, and began sucking Our Mates thumb. Mate and the trucker remained in that position to the following morning. Somehow the hotel allowed The Lorry Driver to stay in the same room, due to Mate having a double futon-bed.

When the following morning came, Mate still gazed forward, not moving as The Lorry Driver got up and plodded towards the bathroom in no-more than his underpants, passing a large fart as he went. A few minutes later the same pair of underpants were lazily thrown from the half closed door of the bathroom, towards the bed, and landed directly on Mates face, who was still gazing forward, eyes watering and bloodshot from the lack of sleep. Mate remained in that position until the Lorry Driver left for breakfast.

Later that evening, Mate decided to have a nice relaxing bath. He created a nice ambient setting by lighting some candles. He made the water quite hot, so as he soaked in it the room steamed up, but Mate was so content it didn't bother him. However, as he was relaxed, the Lorry Driver came in and, unaware that Mate was there having a bath because of all the steam, sat on the toilet. He then proceeded to do the smelliest, loudest, heaviest, sloppiest poo imaginable, to the extent he was groaning on the toilet and his thunderous farts echoed in the bowl. One fart was so powerful it blew out all the candles Mate had lit.

After he had finished doing his poo, he left the room without bothering to flush the toilet. When Mate was sure the Lorry Driver had left the bathroom, he climbed out the bath to flush the toilet. However, he slipped and his face fell straight into the poo. Mate then got his lighter and went to light the candles again. When he struck the lighter, the fire immediately reacted with all the deadly methane in the room and the room instantly ignited which caused a huge explosion. Mate was left with a blacked face and his hair fried and all sticking on end. Somehow the explosion only affected the bathroom, as the Lorry Driver, and no one else in the hotel, either didn't notice or didn't care.

### **Cross-Character Collaboration**

It was also on this holiday when all the main Boot-humour characters collaborated together to try and locate McCauliffe and Spears whilst running through the metro stations of Akihabara. Mate, Lääplääpläas, Eric, Qīng Chóng Sally and more came together, putting their differences aside, in a hunt to find the duo. It is still not known why they all needed to find them so urgently, or if they ever did find them in time. It is almost like the characters made their own subconscious decision to find Spears and McCauliffe, without their actual input.

## Time in prison

Our Mate has faced numerous times in prison, mainly for offences committed by either Lääplääpläas or Eric. Regardless of where the offence took place, Mate is locked up in a cell resembling one from the Tower of London with only one small window to look out of.

Whilst serving time, Mate often receives a visit or two from Eric who attempts to 'borrow' some money, usually a £5 note. Mate is usually woken in the night by the soft wail from below his window, of Eric saying "Maaaaaaaaate" before he climbs up and reaches his chubby arm through the bars. He'll then drop backwards into the eternal mist below.

Mate sometimes has to share his cell with another inmate. On one occasion, it was a burly skinhead who was in for manslaughter. Covered in tattoos, he referred to Mate as 'sausage'. It was also during this time when Eric van Dorenkamp worked as a policewoman, patrolling the cells at night.

## Occupations

### **Tesco**

Whilst working late one evening on the checkout tills, Mate was subjected to one of Lääplääpläas' many mind fucks. When offloading his trolley onto the conveyor belt, Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells" began to play from the chip and pin reader whilst Plapsy keyed in his pin. Before long a whole performance of the song took place, with workers joining in with a perfectly choreographed routine. Lights and pyrotechnics flashed on and off as Mate looked on dumbfounded. When the perfomance was over, and reality returned, Plaapsy suddenly dashed off leaving all his purchases behind, and racking up a high total. Mate subsequently had to return all the items back to the shelves, and some how got fired because of the ordeal.

### **Russian Spy**

Our Mate *(Cyrillic: Р Мaть)* accidentally became a Russian spy whilst on a Trip to St. Petersburg, **Conrade Mate**. It is believed he may have inadvertently played a part in the Salisbury poisoning of Sergei and Yulia Skripal in March 2018.

### **ISIS**

After a series of unfortunate events, Mate was mistaken for a member of the Islamic state terrorist group Isis and was taken to the Islamic state. However, when he arrived he was taken prisoner by the group, and a series of videos were uploaded to YouTube of him as a hostage with them threatening to behead him if they didn’t send any money. However, there was such a little response from the United Kingdom that the group couldn’t be bothered to continue to threaten him, or upload videos, as nobody seemed to care, so he was subsequently released unharmed.

## Relationships

### **Peter**

One of Mate's closest friends is his mate Peter. Both were childhood friends and worked alongside one another whilst in the band A\*. Unlike Mate however, Peter had successfully managed to keep down a job and start a family with his long term girlfriend. Peter helps Our Mate when he finds himself in troubled situations, and Peter has always found time to help him, offering Mate a place to stay whilst he was homeless. However, this has put a strain on Peter's family life, and often, usually about the time we get to that random bend on Goldhay Way, Our Mate is asked to leave as Peter has to think of the kids.

Mate sometimes joins Peter and his family for Christmas dinner, where he usually gets left in charge of the new baby and sat next to one of their cantankerous aunts who abuses him.

### **Dating**

Though Our Mate isn't blessed with the best of luck, he does somehow manage to get a few dates. How he gets that far with them is a mystery as normally Spears and McCauliffe just use the date as the setting for a sketch. On one occasion, Mate managed to somehow convince a girl to come back to his apartment, and then proceeded to make-out on the sofa with her. Whilst doing this however, Lääplääpläas manages to find his way into Mate's plumming, and gets into the washing-machine, pressing his hands against the glass. Just about as the couple are about to have a cheeky shag, the Girl looks up and spots Plaapsy on Spin-cycle 2, and is horrified, prompting her to leave immediately. Mate now raging, forces open the door to the machine, only to be knocked back by the water as it spills out onto the floor, with Plappsy nowhere to be found. A single white glove floats out onto the kitchen floor and slowly forms into an abusive hand-gesture.

On one occasion, Mate was on a date with a girl who he brought back to his flat. They kissed and she was eager to have sex. They went into the bedroom and were about to go on the bed when they heard a horrifying snarling noise that Mate knew only too well. Despite his protests, his date switched the light on and found Chav Rat screaming and even more bedraggled and repulsive than usual. His date gave a blood curdling scream and went to flee, but the pair then realised Chav Rat was giving birth. She was covered in all sorts of pungent fluids - slime, blood, shit - and her stomach was convulsing. The pair were left with no choice but to rear the baby. After around an hour or two, they finally delivered the baby, whom Chav Rat named 'Ratty' immediately, and then vomited some food into his mouth. His date left as soon as she could, and specifically asked Mate to never contact her again. Mate then spent the whole evening cleaning up the rancid mess that was in his bed. Unfortunately, all the smells had attached themselves to him, so when he went into work he smelt absolutely fucking dreadful.

## Personal Life

Our Mate doesn't naturally have a speech impediment, but has to suffer through not being able to speak when McCauliffe and Spears are working on the scene. When Mate does manage to speak he is usually interrupted, or something stops him from admitting a sound. It has been noted that he can only make noises when he has something in his mouth, such as food or a cock courtesy of Eric.

The only event on record where Our Mate is known to have spoken was during the late 1970s. Mate had worked for Bebo but was recently fired. However, one day he was approached by a group of men in black suits. They went up to him and, without any introductions, asked 'have you ever worked anywhere illegal?'. Mate replied by nodding his head, but then quickly realised his mistake. It was in this moment he uttered the words 'I mean' before shaking his head. The line of enquiry was stopped after this.

Mate lives in his own flat with Chav Rat and Ratty and has to take care of them. He also has a spare room that changes function depending on the sketch. While most commonly inhabited by Chav Rat and Ratty, it is sometimes just an ordinary spare room that Eric will randomly ask if he can sleep in for the night for unknown reasons.

This room is sometimes full of sawdust.

### **Suicide attempts**

Because his life is so unbearable, Mate has made several attempts to take his own life. However, he is always unsuccessful, and his attempts always end up becoming sketches.

#### **River Thames**

On one occasion, Mate decided he was going to throw himself into the river Thames in the hope that he would drown or be crushed by a passing boat. As he leapt from the bridge, a boat with a large trampoline happened to pass by, and Mate was thrown back on to the bridge. He collided with an old lady, knocking her over accidentally, and everyone booed and heckled him.

The next week, he tried to do the same again. This time, he waited for the boat carrying the trampoline to pass by and then jumped. However, as he was plummeting, the boat reversed for some unexplained reason and Mate was once again propelled back on to the bridge, using footage of him jumping that was clearly just played backwards.

#### **Overdose**

Seeing some pills, Mate decided he was going to overdose. He swallowed as many pills as he could and then passed out. When he woke, he saw that he was in a hospital bed. Here, the scene with arachnid Lääplääpläas occurred.

#### **London King's Cross hanging**

Mate decided to climb up into the rafters of London King's Cross railway station in order to hang himself. He set up the noose, popped his head in and went to jump. However, something went wrong and his hand and foot somehow got caught in the noose. He was left dangling at ground level, slowly spinning for almost 9 hours until the next day began.

Commuters started to notice him stuck there, slowly turning, and some took advantage to have a bit of fun. One man sent his brat of a son to go kick him; a group of year 7s threw their lunch at him; pigeons shat on him; a seasoned train conductor looked at him with amusement and tutted. No one helped him. As a crowd gathered, Mate caught the sight of Lääplääpläas standing behind the swarm. His coat was billowing like an anime, which started an anime-credits-sequence-inspired performance, where Japanese characters where held aloft by men in greenscreen morph suits.

Prime Minister Lewis Baranski was travelling into Kings Cross that day for some reason, dressed in a trench coat and a pork pie hat with a brolly and newspaper under his arm. As we waddled down the platform, he spotted Mate caught in his own noose. He then picked him up, lowered him into his mouth and then belched so powerfully Mate was spat back out. Unfortunately for Mate, he was sent soaring back into the noose.