This is Your Captain Speaking

Sometimes, when you're on a plane, your captain speaking overhead can help create peace and comfort. Will the pilot on this airplane flight be the same?

## Transcript

Whitney: 12B threw up during takeoff.
Mallory: Ugh. You always know.
Whitney: I can spot the weak ones.
Mallory: Alright, folks, we're going to do one last lap to collect trash, but please get into your seats with seat belts buckled to prepare for landing.

Jason: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We're beginning our descent now, estimated time of arrival in Sea-Tac Airport is 7:30 AM, local time.

Stephen: What are you doing, John?
Jason: Oh, just making sure that the intercom is off. Sometimes that button sticks, but I think I got it.
Stephen: So how's your ex-wife?
Jason: Same old hag as always. She's just the worst, Roberts.
Stephen: Real piece of work.
Jason: I just... can I be honest? I wish she'd get electrocuted. I'm not even going to lie.

Adam: What's going on? Ah!

Jason: Some weird looking people on this flight today, right?
Stephen: Right? I was really watching and I thought they were all uggos, to be honest.
Jason: Wow, I had the same thought. The dude with the dog shirt, I mean, was his face even a face?

Mallory: Captain Hansen, copilot Roberts?
Stephen: Ugh, what does Cheryl want now?
Jason: I locked the door so we wouldn't have to see that dumb look on her face whenever she's like "Captain Hansen? Ew, ew, ew! Copilot Roberts?"
Stephen: We're busy, Cheryl!

Jason: Woo. My painkillers are starting to kick in. I'm on a pretty hefty amount of Percocet from my knee surgery.
Stephen: Um, sir, you're not even supposed to drive when you're on painkillers.
Jason: Oh, really? Well, I feel fine, other than the blurry vision. Look out, there's a bar! Oh, no, sorry, Roberts, that was just my hand in front of my face. Well, shoot. Guess I've always got you to land the plane for me, though.
Stephen: Hopefully not, I've never actually landed a plane before. My instructor died before we got to that part, because I crashed the plane.
Jason: Whoa. You're an animal, Roberts.
Stephen: What can I say?

Stephen: Oh, John, are you okay? I think we're tilting.
Jason: No, it's just my muscle relaxant. I feel so relaxed right now.
Mallory: Captain Hansen?
Jason: Leave us be, Cheryl! Boys will be boys!

Stephen: John, I was serious when I said I couldn't land this plane, and I don't think you're supposed to lean on the control board like that.
Jason: But it's warming my belly fat, Roberts!
Stephen: Okay. Your drool is shorting out the circuits, sir. Why would you need to take off your belt right now?!
Jason: I can't sleep with my pants on, Roberts! It's very uncomfortable. Ah, we're crashing!
Stephen: John, John, we're nowhere near the ground yet.
Jason: No, that is definitely the ground! Oh, wait, no, you're right. That's just a cloud. Wait, no, it's the ground! Oh, no, you're right. Hey, hey, Roberts. I never told you this, but I'm proud to call you my daughter.
Stephen: Sir, please take your hand off my face. Sir? John? John, oh my goodness, John, are you dead? Oh, he's dead. We're going down!

Stacey: Hey, aren't you a pilot?
Aaron: <indistinct>
Stephen: Oh, man, we're all going to die! I can't tell the difference between the sky and the sea!

Stephen: Hey, folks. We are just experiencing some slight turbulence, but we should be free and clear in a moment. May heaven grant me serenity! May I go peacefully and the passengers die in whatever way allows me to die peacefully! Cheryl! You're so annoying, but I'm glad that you're here! Captain is dead!
Mallory: He's just passed out, Roberts! Get out of the way! I'm landing this thing!

Stephen: Cheryl, you saved us! Ah! My face!
Mallory: This is why we're not together anymore, John.