RQG 64 - Swords, Severance and Sass

## Content Warnings

Air travel, danger of falling from airship, arguments, mind-reading without consent

## Summary

Bickering within the party threatens to turn terminal. Bertie and Zolf have an argument, and a certain amount of intervention is needed to defuse the situation.

## Synopsis

Bit of a continuity error: in the previous episode, Alex
said that Bertie was hauled up by the crew after an hour and a half, but at the
beginning of this episode, he gives Zolf the chance to decide when Bertie gets
to come up.

Bertie is still hanging over the side of the ship,
struggling to climb up with the grease on the side of the ship and Sasha is
having a lovely time watching him. Hamid has finished reading the book and is
searching throughout the ship for his friends, but doesn’t check the top deck.

It takes an entire day before Bertie is able to get back up on
deck; as he finally makes it, Sasha hands him a chicken drumstick. Zolf is
sitting on a barrel waiting for Bertie, and Bertie doesn’t notice him sitting
there as he takes the drumstick and starts to head inside the ship. Zolf calls
his name before he’s able to go inside and they start arguing on the deck. Zolf
threatens to dock Bertie’s pay for damages, and Bertie draws his sword. Sasha
is still watching the two of them argue and eating her chicken. Bertie
challenges Zolf to a duel, and slaps him across the face; Zolf says no, and Bertie
threatens to stab him here instead. Amelia comes back over and asks Sasha what
she missed; Sasha fills her in and they both watch the argument play out. Zolf tells
Bertie that he knows what Bertie did to Cambell and asks if Bertie understands
that what he did was attempted murder. Bertie blusters for a bit about the
legal defense for this – in a world with truth spells, it’s easy to figure out
what really happened.

Suddenly, there’s a loud sound of commotion from the back of
the ship, and Amelia wanders over. Sasha and Hamid both hear it, while Zolf and
Bertie don’t. Sasha mentions that Bertie is actually right, and then wanders
away to see what’s going on at the back of the ship. Bertie makes a comment
about how obviously she would understand the common law, and Sasha throws a
chicken bone at his head; it hits.

Hamid finally comes up to the deck and calls out to ask if
everything is okay up there; someone rushes by him and no one answers. There’s
still a lot of yelling coming from the back of the ship, all in Gnomish. They
all hear the yelling at this point, but it’s in Gnomish so only Bertie is able
to understand it.

Ignoring the yelling, Zolf fires Bertie. Once they touch
down in Prague, Bertie will no longer to be part of the Rangers.

There is the sound of a gunshot from the back of the ship
and Sasha sees a large crowd around the entrance to below decks; Amelia looks
angrier than normal. Sasha climbs up into the rigging, and glances down to see
the crew trying to get to two gnomes standing in the center. Amelia has her gun
trained on them. Sasha recognizes the two lawyer gnomes who follow Bertie
around. Hamid can’t see anything from the bottom of the stairs, and cautiously
goes up to the top deck to see the same scene. The two gnomes spot Sasha and
ask her to tell people that they aren’t a problem, and she says that they are a
problem, but only for Bertie. Amelia heads over and has an angry conversation
with them in Gnomish.

Zolf finally walks over to Sasha and sees the lawyer gnomes
as well; he tells her that Bertie is fired, and Sasha actually says she’s not
sure if Zolf made the right decision. He shrugs and stands by it. Bertie
finally comes over and notices the gnomes. Amelia, who’s furious by this point,
asks how they got on her ship, and the entire party says that it’s basically
magic. Hamid steps up and says that he can explain the situation; Amelia grabs
him by the scruff and starts marching off to her cabin. Zolf says he’s coming
as well and she drags him along; Sasha follows behind and slips into the cabin
as well.

Amelia pulls her goggles off and looks at Zolf, telling him
that he gets a free pass because he’s a Harlequin, but that this
needs to stop. Zolf says that Bertie’s no longer his responsibility because he
fired Bertie, and Hamid asks why Zolf did it, before backtracking and saying he
understands, but doesn’t agree with his decision. Zolf says he doesn’t care what
Amelia does to Bertie if he pulls something like this again; Amelia
says she’s done, and that she wants them all off the ship at Prague.

Hamid leaves Amelia’s office and goes to find Bertie. Zolf
and Sasha head off as well, and Sasha starts convincing Zolf to take a moment
and take a break before making the decision final. They both hear someone
moving around behind the captain’s desk; it’s Cambell, and Sasha says that it
might be the best place for him. Zolf leaves the room.

Back to Bertie and the gnomes: the two gnomes step forward
and say that they’ve heard of Bertie’s actions in Paris. As their contract
states, they have to give certain rewards to him based on the actions he’s
taken, and they are here to rectify the disparity between what he’s done and
what he’s been given. Bertie and the gnomes talk legal jargon for a while, and
then the gnomes pull out a full-sized bastard sword that they hand over to him.
The handle is made of solid gold, with a design of a Maltese falcon on the
handle, and its inset with gems. The gnomes say that the sword once belonged to
his ancestor Sir Everard MacGuffingham; they then head below decks.

Bertie says hello to the sword, and the sword talks back.
For a moment, memories flick across his mind as the sword does a quick trip
into his consciousness. Bertie asks if the sword is Sir Everard, and the sword
says no. They begin to chat for a while, and the sword suggests that they give
it a quick trial run if Bertie finds something he would like to hit.

Hamid finally finds Bertie and asks what he’s been doing –
Bertie says he’s got a new sword, and Hamid says that the captain said he’d be
thrown overboard if he does one more thing. Bertie starts to explain about
Cambell and Hamid starts talking about his novels are trash, and Zolf overhears
both of them. He gives Hamid a look and then leaves. Hamid tries to apologize
but Zolf is already gone, and then he turns to Bertie and says Bertie should
head down to the cabin. Bertie refuses and Hamid, frustrated, casts *Sleep* on him and, once he’s asleep, drags him off of the deck. Sasha follows and helps Hamid, and then ties Bertie up while he’s asleep. Hamid picks up the sword and
hears a voice in his head, panics a bit, and shoves the sword in the bag.

The next morning, the party all wakes up, and they realize
that they’re getting closer to Prague. Sasha’s hammock is bloody again, and
Zolf spends a *cure light wounds* to heal her.

Prague looks weird to all of them except Hamid, who’s been
there before. There are two levels of Prague; unlike London and Other London,
the central area of Prague is simply on the ground, while the second city which
houses most wizards and the university, floats above the city. There’s no ill
will between the two, and they communicate often with each other. The airship
descends toward the lower city instead of the upper one. It’s very
down-to-earth; there was a cultural shift where people not engaging in magic
and wizardry decided that the “in” thing was being plain and modern vs. the
ostentation of the higher city.

As they draw in toward the city aeroport, they notice that
there aren’t any other vessels in the aeroport. Bertie is still tied to the
bed, and Hamid says that he has Bertie’s sword and will give it back to him after
they get off the ship. Bertie says that he agrees and that they should
definitely be the first people off of the ship; Hamid is pleased and unties
Bertie.

The crew all dock the ship and Bertie is one of the first
people off of the ship, watching all the other passengers exit the ship. Sasha
and Zolf head off together as well, and the three of them (Hamid, Sasha, and Zolf)
apologize to Amelia for the trouble. Amelia says that Sasha and Zolf are
welcome back, but that’s it. Amelia pulls Zolf aside for a moment and says to
be careful in the city – it’s Spades territory. Zolf says it doesn’t mean
anything to him, and Amelia lets him go.

Bertie, having watched all the passengers disembark and not
having seen Cambell, glances at the storage containers and says that they
should be checked (just in case Cambell is hiding in one of them as well).
Amelia gives him a look and a nudge and says they really shouldn’t – Bertie realizes
they’re trying to avoid tax and backtracks immediately, understanding what she’s
getting at. She frowns and whispers something to the customs officials, who
rush off looking worried, and then she tells Bertie that he has about 5 minutes
before the customs officials before they come over to arrest him for being an
illegal immigrant. Zolf shrugs and gets ready to leave, asking Sasha and Hamid
if they’re coming with him. Sasha suggests that they get Bertie out of the way before
he can cause a scene and make trouble for them; Hamid says he’ll come with Zolf
but that he thinks they should have a conversation about the entire situation.

Zolf says he’s done and leaves, walking off into the crowd,
while Bertie continues speaking loudly. A group of armed men show up at the
entrance to the hangar and have a hushed discussion, looking for Bertie. Sasha
melts into the crowd; Hamid says he needs to go after Zolf, and hands the sword
over to Bertie before scampering off after Zolf. Bertie sees the customs
officials coming toward the ship and walks away as quietly and unobtrusively as
he can.

## Quotes

**Lydia**: "And Sasha's having enough fun to forget that she's just been diagnosed with a degenerative magical disease!"
**Ben**: "Whee! Isn't this podcast fun everybody!"
―Sasha is enjoying herself watching Bertie struggle to get up the side of the ship.

**Bertie**: "Sir, I have left my white gloves in my compartment, but if I had not I would be slapping you across the face with one and challenging you to a duel."
**Zolf**: "Not particularly sure I care. *(Bertie slaps him)* Right. What happens next?"
**Bertie**: "Then we name the hour, we name the weapons, and we fight."
**Zolf**: "No."
**Bertie**: "Then I’ll stab you here! This is simply how it works, Mr. Smith."
**Zolf**: "Really."
**Bertie**: "Yes, honor has been offered, honor fails to be satisfied, you’ve impugned my honor therefore it is well within my rights to filet you now."
**Zolf**: "Bertie, you are more than capable of impugning your own honor and you do it on a daily basis."
―Bertie climbs up the side of the ship and challenges Zolf to a duel.

"You know what? I’m bored of this. I’m bored of you. When we get to Prague, you’re fired. I no longer have need of your services. Go and do your stupid poo dimension avoidance heroics somewhere else. You’ve done nothing but endanger this mission repeatedly with your arrogance, your pigheadedness, your absolutely insufferable entitlement. Begone."
―**Zolf fires Bertie**

"I mean, guys, these people are really a problem but only specifically for Bertie, so ..."
―**Sasha**

**Hamid**: "You fired Bertie?!"
**Zolf**: "Yes."
**Hamid**: "You can't—well I suppose you can, but—I'm, I shouldn't ask why, I guess it's obvious but, still!"
―Hamid and Sasha learn that Zolf has fired Bertie.

**Hamid**: "Oh my God you're a sentient magical item, how much are you worth?! I don't even want to think about it!"
**Sword**: "No wait—"
―Hamid stuffs Bertie's sword into his bag.

**Zolf**: "Right, so I guess the Rangers are gonna go find themselves somewhere to sleep, so Sasha, Hamid, you coming?"
**Hamid**: "Let’s just get Bertie out of the way of the customs officials, cause he can lead them to us, right?"
**Zolf**: "No, he can’t, cause we’re gonna leave and he’s an idiot."
**Hamid**: "Zolf, I’m gonna come with you but I really would like to have a chat about this whole thing. We should go and stay at the university, they’ve got lovely rooms."
**Zolf**: "Brilliant! Get him out of my sight. Move him somewhere else."
**Bertie**: "What a coincidence, Hamid! I am also headed to the university on a matter of great questing significance—"
**Zolf**: "I’m done. I’m done. Find me if you want to, I’m leaving."
―The party lands in Prague and Zolf storms away.

## Dice rolls and Mechanics

Alex gives Sasha 5 temp hit points because of how relaxing
watching Bertie struggle was.

Bertie is fatigued after spending the entire day trying to
climb up a ship.

Alex gives Sasha +5 to all linguistics related to law until
the end of the day because Lydia explained the concept of precedence.

Everyone rolls a perception check: Zolf gets 9, Sasha gets
25, Hamid gets 18, Bertie gets 2.

Sasha uses her +5 in linguistics to understand an insult
Bertie throws at her: 18.

Bertie rolls a perception check to notice a glow around the
gnomes: 17.

Zolf and Sasha do perception checks to see who else is in
the room: Zolf gets 10, Sasha gets 25.

Zolf does a perception check to hear Hamid and Bertie
talking about Cambell: 18.

Bertie makes a will save to not fall asleep: 3.

Bertie rolls perception to pick up on Amelia’s tone: nat 20.