recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Don't Touch If You Ain't Prayed (GAM089)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Don't Touch if You Ain't Prayed*** is the story of a guy who somehow knew we'd do this podcast, so he made a Christian movie full of racist caricature just to make us feel awkward.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because I was *sick* of not being able to piss people off with my business card.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love 40-Year-Old Virgin, but hated all the jokes and wished everyone was actually way older than forty, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …choice of ages for cast members. [Generations apart are the same age.]
* Eli: …rocket powered daughter. [As if launched out of a cannon into hugs.]
* Noah: …never acknowledging the villain. [Male protagonist.]

### **Notes**

* This film has a sequel from production company Lightyear Entertainment, *Don't Touch if You Ain't Prayed 2* (2008).
* Advertiser BloomThat was acquired by flower giant FTD in 2018.

### **Jokes**

* [Heath: I did enjoy the part right here at the beginning though. where she goes to, like, grab food off his plate. He's like "Seriously, get the fuck off my plate!"] [Noah: Yeah, yeah!] [Heath: Order the amount of food you want to eat! That's how fucking restaurants work! Like, this is an important message for everybody.] [Eli: Their weird banter back and forth is she tries to take his food, and he's like, "MmmMmm, that's *my* food", to which she playfully throws meat in his *eyes*.] [\*laughter\*] [Eli: I wanted him to, like, pull out a *katana*. It just *escalated*. It's just like, "Aw, fuck! Was that *steak juice?" "Hmmhmm! Gotcha!"]*

### **Interstitials**

* Manscaped Man & the GAM World Tour (7:53)
* Why Do I Still Work Here? (1:15:16)
* Extended Outtakes (1:54:52) [Post Credits]
* Stole the BloomThat.com "God" Tag (2:00:07) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Alcohol=Bad Guy
* Awkward Kiss
* Black Person is a Drug Dealer/Criminal
* BRIAN! (Fuck You!)
* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* HOMOPHOBIA!
* Kitchen Table
* Offensive Friend
* RACISM!
* Heroes are Villains, Villains are Heroes

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: There is a sequel to this movie, and Andrew's not gonna let us do it.
* Noah: Grandpa couldn't believe nobody realized it was blackface.
* Eli: Heath realized his mom's friend Chuck was a race scientist, and no longer went to Thanksgiving.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb
Leap 2: Rise of the Beast (GAM047)

### Starring:

Chris Tempel, Benjamin Baker, Alexander J. Bonds, Rachel-Ann Fisher, Chelsea Raugust, Yelena Tsiribko

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright (Pieboy)

Eli Bosnick (iLickyr)

***Leap 2: Rise of the Beast*** is about seventy-five minutes of increasingly unattractive Protestant people acting like eight-year-olds while they follow clues in the Bible to prove that Catholics are collectively the Antichrist.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you liked the first movie, but you thought to yourself "Damn it, El Director needs to stop *limiting* himself with his sweet sweet parkour and focus on how hot jet fuel burns", you will love this movie. Less roofy, more truthy.

### **Best Worst**

* Eli: ...switch of a character. [Literally the greatest thing that's ever happened.]
* Noah: …forgetting which actor played which character in the first one. [Watch and see.]

### **Notes**

* Check out *Leap 2* outtakes (in the order of filming) and the *Facebook* page (which includes storyboards and the production schedule).
* Supposedly *Leap: Rise of the Beast* was "the first feature length film completed to be shot on the Canon 550D" and "the first movie graded with Magic Bullet Colorista Free." For some reason, the poster says Alex Bond's *Leap: Rise of the Beast*—Alex is Shane, so perhaps he financed the movie so that he could star in it?

### **Jokes**

* [Noah: Now I have to ask you guys, do you think they really blew up an apartment for this scene? Because that was damn realistic.] [Eli: That was pretty fucking realistic. I think they bought—that's not even an on-brand version of After Effects. Before Michael went back to Yugoslavia to work in the salt mines he was like, "Here, as a parting gift. It is called Wafter Effects. It has explosion, dinosaur, and black and white."]

### **Interstitials**

* El Director's Clone Interview (6:15)
* Tony D's Hitler, Mormons, and other New-Age Garbage(1:22:32)
* Teaching You a Lesson (by Drowning) (1:23:23)

### **Tropes**

* And Then the Apocalypse Happens
* The Eli Bosnick Story

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* The director returned that canon DSLR camera to his buddy Steve, because he needed it to tape a peewee soccer game.
* Crystal continued to triple in weight every two years until she had consumed the earth.
* Eli: Noah said "Evil Giraffes on Mars" all sarcastic and mean-like, and we wondered what Ryan Slotnick did.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb
After School (GAM308)

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***After School*** (also known as ***Quest for Eden***) is a movie named after when a couple of the scenes happen, and which features boobs and boredom.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because somebody has to watch this shit eventually.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love the unscrambled softcore porn of your cousin's satellite TV, but you wish someone would splice it with every two-hour-long YouTube video of Jordan Peterson you're not going to watch, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Thomas: ... prehistoric hair care. [So eighties.]
* Noah: ...studying. [It doesn't take.]
* Eli: ...Heath notes in the GAM calendar. ["The *God's Not Dead* of 1988."]

### **Notes**

* Check out Thomas on *Opening Arguments*, *Serious Inquiries Only*, and *Philosophers in Space*.
* Released on VHS by Academy Entertainment on 27 April 1988. The film's poster was created by legendary artist Drew Struzan, who is also responsible for the posters of a huge number of other films.

### **Jokes**

* Aerobics/Tiny-Shorts-Basketball (1:11:20)

### **Interstitials**

* First Writers Room Meeting (8:12)
* *The Floor isn't Lava, but is Very Much Acid*, the Movie (43:25)
* AdamandEve.com (1:24:56)
* Thomas>Marsh (1:51:02) [Post Credits]

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Noah: September went on to find out that fucking a thirty-something virgin is exactly as fun as that sounds.
* Thomas:
* Eli: Father McCarren's boss was so relieved that he just wanted to have sex with a consenting adult; like, so relieved.
* Thomas: And September went on to find out that after the whole kink of the whole priest thing drops away, you're just having sex with Art Garfunkel, and she left immediately.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Hello Tushy: Better than Fishbowl Pants (1:57:31)
* Hello Fresh: [CODE: AWFUL14] Better than Squirrel or Hat Full of Beans (1:59:31)
* Raycon: Drown Out a Flight with Eli's Crying Baby (2:01:46)
Lockdown 2025 (GAM390)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Lockdown: 2025*** is the story of Jehovah's Witness writers doing the story of the apocalypse for ninety minutes, and forgetting about their *whole* thing during that entire script, and then being like "Fuck! Plus J Dubs! Plus be a J Dub! JW JW."

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because "I do that for a living"

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love the mini morality-plays of Tyler Perry, but you hate how they don't wrap up what religion you should be in the last four seconds, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …I want the food in the movie. [Unrelated BBQ targeted at Heath.]
* Noah: …attack helicopter. [Unrealistic for a video game.]
* Eli: …tragic moment. [Standing on a chair laughing.]

### **Notes**

* This film was was directed by a Michael Sean Hall, rather than by the Mike Hall who is the producer and host of *Skeptics with a K* and former president of the Merseyside Skeptics Society. Hall may have been credited as "Mike Hall" rather than "Michael Sean Hall" (as he is otherwise on IMDb) for *Lockdown: 2025*, since it appears to be a re-release of his earlier film *90 Minutes of the Fever* (2016), which he apparently also wrote and which (according to Facebook) began filming on 7 December 2014.

### **Jokes**

* [Eli: Real "explanation" for why he suspects Marcus: "Cause a liar knows a liar, and *you're* lying."] [Heath: Yes!] [Heath: "I'm a liar, so I know *you're* lying." Marcos needs to be like "Okay, but that means you *don't* know I'm lying, right? Cause—"] [Noah: \*extended laughter\*] [Eli: I wanted—] [Heath: "Hold on, I got it: ask me what *I* would say *you* asked *me* if I'm lying!" What?] [Noah: \*laughter\*] [Eli: The surgeon's a mother—it's a woman. It's a woman.]

### **Interstitials**

* First Writer's Meeting (5:00)
* Tall Tyler and Obama FEMA Coffins (31:58)
* Q-nunonymous Hacker Apocalypse (1:03:40)
* Outtakes (1:31:49) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* And Then the Apocalypse Happens
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* Nothing Happens
* SEXISM!

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Evan, the six-year-old son, got told "Go fuck yourself" on his seventh birthday.
* Noah: Clarence did *not* win the lottery.
* Eli: Jehovah's Witnesses have a website *full* of their movies.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Raycon: Ray Con, the Ray Comfort v Convention (1:32:18)
* Hello Fresh: [CODE:SCATHING65]Free Pizza with Tiger Traps (1:33:48)
* Better Help: Eli Jokes About Mental Illness (1:36:09)
Blood Freak (GAM067)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Blood Freak*** is a cautionary tale of marijuana addiction, GMO turkey meat, and… the thing that happens when you combine them.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because nothing else we've tried has quieted the lambs.

### **How [Amazing] Was It?**

Well, if you love blowjobs, but you also love it when your existence peaks, and you've conquered all of your enemies, and your lineage is secure, and you're happy and bright, and the greatest piece of art ever created has passed before your eyes and you get to share it with the world, you will *love* this movie. This movie makes *International Guerillas* look like *Spotlight*; this makes *Vultures of Horror* look like *The Babadook*; this is the craziest most wonderful… if this were purposeful, this would be the most brilliant comedy of all time. This would be the highest level of human genius ever created, but it *is* just the single most terrible thing that the planet Earth has ever created, and there is not a second of it that is not enjoyable—not a single second.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: ...movie.
* Eli: ...turkey on woman sex scene.
* Noah: lighting.
* Eli: ...narration.

### **Notes**

* THE BEST MOVIE EVER!
* This review was based on a heavily edited YouTube version—the original eighty-six minute rated-X version may currently only be available on VHS.

### **Jokes**

* [Noah: In terms of simple filmcraft, is this the worst movie we've ever watched?] [Eli: Yes. The lighting is the worst we've ever seen: there are scenes entirely in darkness. The sound is the worst we've seen: there are scenes that are entirely inaudible. The special effects are the worst: it is the fakest. This guy... Estus Pirkle would have been, like "I have some notes on the fake blood ya'll used." It is the worst at literally everything. It has the craziest looking actors: this makes Stephen Baldwin look like da Vinci's *Example of Man*. There is nothing about this movie that is not the peak of crazy that we have experienced.]
* Noah loves waveless water beds.

### **Interstitials**

* Time Monologue/GAM Live Chicago Breaking News (7:50)
* "Hey baby, it's me Herschell. I'm here to get groovy with Jesus." (52:00)

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Film on Archive.org
* IMDB
Hardflip (GAM363)

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

***Hardflip*** is the story of skateboarding, and cancer, and Jesus… I think? I mean, there's absolutely zero connection between those things in the movie, but they didn't care.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because apparently we can't help it.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you loved *Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2* on the PlayStation, but you just felt that the movement of the characters was just a *bit* too realistic and lifelike, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Marsh: …skateboarding. [This is the *Leap* of skateboarding movies.]
* Noah: …Liverpudlian ex machina. [A great word finally served to Noah on a silver platter.]
* Heath: …problem of evil. [Which is a *high* bar. So high.]

### **Notes**

* The length of this review differs from the length of the film by only a single second.

### **Jokes**

* [Noah: This would have been a perfect moment, as he's delivering the monologue, to hear the flatline and everything and him yelling "Doctor! Doctor! Come in quick!"] [Heath: Yeah.] [Noah: But I don't even think they could afford the little beepy machine, and I don't think this actor could have pulled it off, so they just smash cut to the funeral. What's amazing is that they probably *have* that scene. Right? And they were just, like, they were editing the movie and went "No. No, we're going to fill that time with more skate montage."] [Marsh: Hmmm.] [Heath: "Do we have enough for the rights to 'eeeeee'?" "No. No, we don't—we spent it on Patricia Arquette."]

### **Interstitials**

* First Writers Room Meeting (5:09)
* Mr. God and Angel Shemsael (41:43)
* ACAB (1:12:05)
* Scrolling Race/Interstitials (1:45:34) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Abusive/Neglectful Parent
* Alcohol=Bad Guy
* Angry Yelling at God
* Bad Christian Space Work
* Bad Sportsing
* Behind on the Rent
* Cancer Mom
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* Make Me a Sandwich
* Problem of Evil

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Marsh: Joey's video of Caleb skating in a perfectly straight line went on to get *zero* views on YouTube.
* Noah: John Sneider went on to not hurt anybody.
* Heath: Caleb demanded his four-hundred dollars back, but Ryder explained that they never made any kind of bet whatsoever, and also he never got a chance to do the *final trick*, so nothing about that entire contest had any stakes or ramifications!

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Better Help: Just Plotting a Bit of Revenge (1:46:52)
* Hello Fresh: [CODE: AWFUL16] Thyme in Five-Pound Bags (1:48:15)
* FitBod: Swole Cycle Gym with ChadBrad (1:50:48)
Seventy Times Seven (GAM378)

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***Seventy Time Seven*** is the story of a young Christian rancher/businessman who's pregnant wife is unexpectedly murdered, and how hunting her killer brings him back to God.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because otherwise I'd have it too easy.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love Christian cinema, but you've been waiting for every weary trope, every badly aimed camera, and every ill positioned microphone to come together in one extraordinary film, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Marsh: …focus on the camera. [Is it the movie or your eyes?]
* Noah: …whodunnit. [It was that guy.]
* Eli: …least appropriate guitar performances. [Five of them!]

### **Notes**

* Check out Marsh on Twitter, *Be Reasonable*, *Skeptics with a K*, *The Skeptic* (UK), and at The Good Thinking Society, or (thanks to Eli) Skeptic of the Year and MarshStoleHisVaccineFromAnOldLady.com. In case it's useful later, Marsh is terrified of horses.
* Compared by quality produced per production dollar, this may be the worst thing GAM has ever reviewed.

### **Jokes**

* [Eli: Let's talk about the body. Can we talk—cause you mentioned that this was almost your best-worst, and I think this was true for all of us.] [Marsh: Yeah.] [Eli: They are *rough* with this body. They are "you hired movers that you found on a telephone pole" with this body.] [Marsh: Yeah. And it's not helping that this house has the spiral staircase from a medieval castle as the only access to the upper floor.] [Noah: Yeah, right, exactly! Right, no, the stairs are like you're worried about, like, making your enemy has to attack right handed against the wall or some shit.

### **Interstitials**

* Modest Needs: Prepping Marsh for Vulgarity for Charity (6:40) [Send proof to vulgarityFORcharity@gmail.com]
* Helpful Carjacking Victim (44:39)
* You Killed Jenny! (1:21:21)
* *God of War: Ragnarök*/*Sonic Frontiers* (1:53:35) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Angry Yelling At God
* Awkward Kiss
* A World with One Black Person
* Bad Christian Space Work
* Bad Sportsing/Sportsing
* Black Men are Criminals
* Black Men Don't Have Names
* Boss in a Bit Part
* Cancer Wife/God Killed My Mom/Evil Stole My Faith
* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Flashback to Shit We Just Watched
* Kitchen Table
* Problem of Evil
* RACISM!
* Sadness Box
* A World with One Black Person
* Wake Up!
* We're Gonna Live Forever

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Marsh: Leslie gave her murder-baby to Jennie, in one of those "two birds one stone" situations.
* Noah: Henry eventually did learn which hole the penis went in.
* Eli: The Korean Baptist church that after to sponsor this movie has no idea how good or bad it was, because they don't speak English.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Mint Mobile: They Don't Use Phones in Liverpool (1:57:08)
* Better Help: Chocolate Chip Only Trail Mix (1:58:55)
* Master Glass: Podcastoverse Has a Landline (2:00:04)
7 Reasons (GAM208)

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***7 Reasons*** is the story of a group of college kids doing "loo loo loo college kid stuff" when a crazed Australian pops out of a bush, and starts berating them for wanting to get an education and not staying in the kitchen and having babies.

### **Opening Phrase:**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because I'm too ornery to make friends.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love the whackos who stand outside of a Planned Parenthood, but you wish they were in charge of the *Saw* franchise as well, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Anna: ...anniversary gift.
* Noah: ...list.
* Eli: ...question.

### **Notes**

* Ray made this movie because nothing had changed since he made *180: Changing the Heart of a Nation* (2011).

### **Jokes**

* It's literally abortion up until birth—after that, it's just a hobby.

### **Interstitials**

* *Give Me Your Foot* (6:45)
* "Being homeless is awesome." (41:14)

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Film on YouTube
* IMDB
I'm in Love with a Church Girl (GAM027)

### Starring:

Ja Rule, Adrienne Bailon, Stephen Baldwin, Vincent Pastore, Toby Mac, T-Bone, Michael Madsen

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

### Special Guest

Jocelyn Richard

***I'm in Love with a Church Girl*** is the story of a big time drug dealer who retires from the game after making millions of dollars, and he feels kind of guilty about all the terrible things he did, but then he meets a Christian girl who learns him that he doesn't have to worry about being a horrible person because the rules on magical consequences are super easy to get around.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema in the hopes that some future judge might consider it time served.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you've ever been on a subway or public transportation and seen a couple, like, make out, and fight, and then have sexy talk, and then scream at each other, and then cry, all in, like, a forty second time period, and then thought to yourself "Man, I hope they make that couple into a movie", well guess what? They did: it's *I'm in Love with a Church Girl*.

### **Best Worst**

* Noah: …dialogue. [Worse than *Christian Mingle*.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Jocelyn on Twitter, or on her website, which lists some of her extensive writing credits, including *The Onion*, *Funny or Die*, and Comedy Central's *@Midnight*.
* Multi-platinum album artist Ja Rule went on to be involved in the fraudulent Fyre Festival in 2017, but was not found legally responsible in 2019.
* In typical Christian movie fashion, the film was completed in November 2010, but not released until 18 October 2013.

### **Jokes**

> (Timestamp TBD)Jocelyn*: They said "Miles, they said that we could get off if they told us something, quote, juicy about you."*
>
>
> Noah*: Yes. Yeah, he's got a massive cock.*
>
>
> Jocelyn*: Like, it sounded like a middle-school sleepover. And then he talks to the next guy on the phone, and he's like "Aw man, DA wanted something juicy on you—the juiciest goss on you. And I wouldn't give them any goss, so now we're in here waiting on bail."*
>
>
>
> Eli*: "T-Dog, stop trying to make 'goss' work."*
>
>

### **Interstitials**

* Ja Rule's Complement Requirements (8:12)
* We Are Drug Dealers (57:30)
* Eli is Not a Serial Killer (2:07:44) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Bad Christian Space Work
* Bible Reading Montage
* Black Men are Criminals
* Black Men Don't Have Names
* Cancer Wife/God Killed My Mom/Evil Stole My Faith
* Deathbed Proselytising
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* Giving Someone a Book/Reading Montage
* Problem of Evil
* RACISM!
* SEXISM!
* Take Your Damn Medicine
* This is YOUR Movie!

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Jerry Rice is still friends with his cocaine dealer from the 1980s, but only because he likes the smell of it .
* Noah: Ja Rule's kid grew up to be molested repeatedly by that creepy fucker in the Lamborghini.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb
A Courtship (GAM286)

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***A Courtship*** is the true story of how Rebecca had a literal panic attack on her couch watching this nightmare of a movie.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another terrible movie, so you don't have to.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you're lonely and single this Valentine's Day, at least you're not *any-fucking-body* in this movie. The cast of *Journey of Hope* would shut this documentary off because it was bumming them out.

### **Best Worst**

* Rebecca: …*Sex and the City* spinoff.
* Heath: ...Poe's Law. [Sadly, this is absolutely not satire.]
* Eli: ...sympathetic documentary subjects. [There's not a single human being in this movie who you don't manage to hate by the end of it.]

### **Notes**

* First, Rebecca Vigil and Evan Kaufman's special Valentine's Day streaming version of their *[Your Love, Our Musical]* show (the award-winning improvised musical) on 13 February 2021.
* Check out Rebecca on her website, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, or YouTube.
* Principal photography for the film (originally *Betrothed: A Love Story*) began on 20 May 2011 in Allendale, Michigan, editing began on 8 July 2012, and post-production was completed with the help of a $11,442 Indiegogo campaign which concluded on 4 March 2013. It premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival 18 April 2015, on VOD 17 November 2015, and was released on DVD 18 October 2016.
* Ron's Facebook announced on 1 February 2021 that Kelly finally moved out the previous weekend, after seventeen years, but apparently only because Ron and Dawn are "being lead to release everything go spread the gospel" and have sold the house.

### **Interstitials**

* Present Your Documentaries (8:10)
* Our Squirrel Daughter (21:08)
* Chaperoned Date (1:01:29)
* Squirrel Noises (1:21:28) [Post Credits]
* Rebecca's Dog Eloise (1:22:00) [Post Credits]
* Cotton! (1:22:30) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Heroes are Villains, Villains are Heroes
* HOMOPHOBIA!
* Indoctrination of Children
* Kitchen Table
* Looks LIke…
* Make Me a Sammich!
* Nothing Happens
* Pearl Clutching
* RACISM!
* SEXISM!

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* [Episode on YouTube]
* Trailer on YouTube/Film on Tubi
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Hello Tushy: Cyborg Heath (1:23:12)
* Acorn TV: [CODE: AWFUL] Why Are You Guys Dressed Like That? (1:25:35)
* Adam & Eve: [CODE:AWFUL] Don't Be a Heath Enwright (1:27:36)
Crossfire (GAM370)

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***Crossfire*** (not to be confused with all the other things named *Crossfire*, including the 1979 movie) is the 1975 story of the Puerto Rican liberation movement as viewed through the only lense and perspective that actually matters: a white blonde girl from Missouri.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because they said there would be cake.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you're struggling with the age-old question "Who's worse, terrorists or missionaries?", you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Marsh: …superfluous restaurant scene. [As opposed to all the other superfluous scenes.]
* Noah: …Bible reading scene. [An impressive agreement for a Christian movie.]
* Eli: …identical movie at 1.5x speed. [Exactly the same.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Marsh on Twitter, *Be Reasonable*, *Skeptics with a K*, *The Skeptic* (UK), and at The Good Thinking Society, or (thanks to Eli) Skeptic of the Year and MarshStoleHisVaccineFromAnOldLady.com.
* This episode is a colonialism review featuring Marsh in honour of the death of Queen Elizabeth II. Information about the film is relatively rare, and a poster was almost impossible to find (the featured image is from a 17 July 1981 newspaper advertisement featured in *The Daily Register* from Red Bank, New Jersey).

### **Interstitials**

* Seventies Christian Movie Pitch (6:45)
* The Problem of Analogue Clocks (26:32)
* Bringing a New Girlfriend to Work (58:30)
* Eli Needs Easy Mode/ASMR Arm Wrestling (1:27:51) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Bible Reading Montage
* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Marsh: Puerto Rico still doesn't have meaningful access to democracy—so, you know, I guess God got what he wanted.
* Noah: The subsequent forty-three years would vindicate the shit out of Paolo's cause.
* Eli: Shelley would eventually leave *both* men for a guy who wasn't *any* kind of terrorist or oppressor.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Trade Coffee: PiaT's Favorite Sponsor (1:29:27)
* Master Class: Cheating at Chess with Anal Beads (1:31:24)
Roe v. Wade (GAM295)

### Starring:

Nick Loeb, Stacey Dash, Jamie Kennedy, Joey Lawrence, Corbin Bernson, John Schneider, Robert Davi, John Voight

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

### Special Guest

Andrew Torrez

***Roe v. Wade*** is the story of a Christian movie not realizing they can't win in the end when they're doing the story of Roe v. Wade.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because courts can apparently order you to do that.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love anti-abortion propoganda, but you wish the sportsmanship and grace of LeBron James, you will *love* this movie. It's *The Sun Was in My Theocracy: The Movie*.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: ...constitutional law class. [Joey Lawrence is a professor of law.]
* Noah: ...GAM Who's Who. [Only missing Kevin Sorbo and Stephen Baldwin.]
* Eli: ...GAM Who's Not. [Tomi Lahren, Mike Lindell, Roger Stone, and Milo Yiannopoulos.]
* Andrew: ...Ferris Bueler impersonation. [Like if Deadpool was fascinated by *The Protocols of the Elders of Zion* instead of Spider-Man.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Andrew on *Opening Arguments* and *Cleanup on Aisle 45*.
* The movie had a GoFundMe which was created 28 June 2018, and raised $378,263 of its million dollar goal. Its website seems to have originally just been roevwade.com.

### **Jokes**

* [Noah: Okay, now it's New York City—we're back in 1970—and… look, the movie has not actually said the words "abortion was a Jewish plot", but that is *precisely* what they have spent the last six minutes setting up. And they pull the trigger on that now.] [Heath: That was the working title of the movie right there. They had to change it at the last second because somebody got mad—some producer—but that was what they were doing.] [Eli: And the voice acting that will be throughout the rest of the movie will make it clear that the script was not changed before that title was dropped.] (18:51)
* (47:11)
* (56:32)

### **Interstitials**

* Andrew's Script Vetoes (8:48)
* Dr. Nathanson (53:35)
* Supreme Court Lunch-Hour (1:32:14)
* Poor Morgan (2:22:29) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Boss in a Bit Part
* Cancer Wife/God Killed My Mom/Evil Stole My Faith
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* Heroes are Villains, Villains are Heroes
* RACISM!
* See You In Court
* SEXISM!

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Better Help: Eli vs. Excuses Incarnate (2:24:13)
* Hello Fresh: [CODE: AWFUL12] What's… Hello Fresh? (2:26:02)
* Blender's Eyewear: [CODE: AWFULVIP] Protecting Eli's Natty Ice Lime X2s (2:28:30)
Model Movie Entry

*NOTES: Date format is YYYY-MM-DD. Time stamps should be in square brackets* [HH:MM:SS]*, Anything else should use standard parentheses* (like this). *Editor comments should be marked as "Editor's Note". Images must be uploaded first and the URL pasted into the infobox. A "Blank" version of this page (just the headers and info box, no instructions) is available here.*

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons (blank if necessary)

Heath Enwright (blank if necessary)

Eli Bosnick (blank if necessary)

### Special Guest

Guest Masochist(s)

***Christian Movie*** is the story of... [Sometimes different, especially if by someone other than Heath—adapt as necessary.]

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because... [Or, if it's Heath, then "Where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to."]

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love... [The usual Eli format, but there can be variations or complete departures.]

### **Best Worst**

* Host1: ...whatever is said after "best-worst."
* Host2: ...in whatever order they are said in the episode, without quotation marks.
* Host3: ...if there's a third host, or a fourth.

### **Notes**

* "Check out [Guest Masochist First Name"] at x, y, or z." [Can be Twitter, public Facebook pages, websites, podcasts, movies, specials, etc.]
* Links to other reviews in a series.
* Anything else about the movie or the GAM episode that seems especially interesting or relevant.

### **Jokes**

* Opening Piece [No timestamp necessary]
* Anything Else (HH:MM:SS) [Timestamp from Patreon, preferably]

### **Interstitials**

* Interstital O1 Title (HH:MM:SS)
* Interstital O2 Title (HH:MM:SS)
* Interstital O3 Title (HH:MM:SS)
* Doodly-Doo Title (HH:MM:SS) [Doodly-Doo] <-Specify
* Post Credits Title or Outtakes (HH:MM:SS) [Post Credits] <-Specify

### **Tropes**

* From the tropes list, as many as seem applicable

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Host1: Line from episode, without quotation marks.
* Host2: Line from episode, without quotation marks.
* Host3: Line from episode, without quotation marks.

### **Links**

* [url Episode on Audioboom]
* [url Episode on YouTube]
* [url Episode on Patreon]
* [url Film or Trailer on YouTube or possibly Tubi]
* [url IMDb]

### **Ad Reads**

* [url then name of advertiser]: skit title (HH:MM:SS, preferably from Patreon)
* [url then name of advertiser]: skit title (HH:MM:SS, preferably from Patreon)

[[Category:Episodes]] <-in source edit mode, remove the "nowiki tags from around all of these

[[Category:Special Guests]] <-remove as necessary

[[Category:Guest Masochist]] <-add full name of Guest Masochist or delete as necessary (add another category for each)

[[Category:Noah Lugeons]] <-remove as necessary

[[Category:Heath Enwright]] <-remove as necessary

[[Category:Eli Bosnick]] <-remove as necessary

[[Category:Anything]] <-add any other major category (major repeat actors/directors, Christmas, Mormon, etc.)
Geronimo (GAM255)

### Starring:

Raufel Muhammad, Tomian Negron, Scott Ingerson, Matt Kissane, Jamie Elizabeth Samsel, David A.R. White

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Geronimo*** (which is the least offensive part of the movie, really) is the story of… the white man's burden. That's the story. They took an extremely racist poem from 1899, and in 1990 they made a Christian movie about it, and it's about kids from a gang in Chicago getting "saved" at a Jesus camp; except, it's done so badly that even the racist caricatures in *their* movie are disappointed in the white man's technique, and they just roast him the whole time about how he's carrying out the burden like an idiot. It's pretty fun, that accidental angle of it, but otherwise it's just terrible.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because Eli's kid is a mooch.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you thought *The Help* was bad, if you were blindsided by *The Blind Side*, then buckle the fuck up, because this is some *Christian* white-saviorism motherfuckers! This is how crazy racist and horrible this movie is: I did not realize the problematic nature of the title of this movie until Heat announced it just now—I was so focused on the constant racism.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: ...inventing new racial stereotypes. [Gasoline, Whittling nunchucks, Afraid of Thunder…]
* Noah: ...use of David A. R. White. [He's barely more than an under five.]
* Eli: ...racist closed captioning. [African American character speaks: "Inaudible"]

### **Notes**

* Featured in *Pure Flix and Chill: The David A.R. White Story*.
* Voted "Best Film of the Year" by ICVM (International Christian Visual Media).

### **Tropes**

* Addicted to Porn
* Atheist Converts to Christianity
* Bad Sportsing
* Black Person is a Drug Dealer/Criminal
* Black Men Don't Have Names
* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Giving Someone a Book/Reading Montage
* Indoctrination of Children
* RACISM!
* Reprehensible Moral Message
* Sentenced to Christianity
* This is YOUR Movie!

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Film Intro on YouTube
* IMDB

### **Ad Reads**

* Bespoke Post (Box of Awesome): Eli and Heath Playing "Store"(1:24:14)
* Quip: *Cooking Ramen with Heath*, the Cookbook (1:26:22)
A Week Away (GAM299)

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***A Week Away*** is an overtly Christian musical on Netflix with the coy description "In this uplifting musical, a troubled teen takes a leap of faith by attending summer camp — and finds love, faith and a place to belong." [Appalling lack of Oxford comma as it appears in the original.]

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because masochism is funny.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you loved *High School Musical*, but the stakes were too high, and the songs were too related to actual human experience, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Cara: ...plot. [There isn't one.]
* Noah: ...temporal setting. [When was this set?]
* Eli: ...blooper reel. [David Koechner was not happy.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Cara on her website, Twitter, *Talk Nerdy*, *The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe*, *Fixed That for You*, and (thanks to Eli) iLoveSkinBooks.com.
* While "pugasus" works better than "pugapegasus", those imply a pug plus a pegasus, while the beloved character "Carl" is a "pugapegicorn", which is a pug plus a pegasus plus a unicorn.
* Recitative is a real word, but it's not the between song banter of Christian band leaders.

### **Jokes**

* (21:42)
* (31:05)
* (1:19:05)

### **Interstitials**

* First Writer's Room Meeting (7:25)
* Eli's Summer Camp (43:06) [Doodly-Doo]
* Sex Stuff to Ducks at the Local Pond (1:12:17)

### **Tropes**

* Sentenced to Christianity
* Nothing Happens

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Film on Netflix
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Cuts Clothing: Noah Wears a Chicken Suit (1:49:45)
* Blenders Eyewear: [CODE:AWFULVIP] So Cool They Require a Slow Motion Explosion Walk (1:51:36)
* Matreon: Cara Will Die of Super-Cancer Unless you Donate (1:52:56)
* Theragun: Punched by a Thousand Tiny Ip Men (1:54:26)
Blank Movie Entry

**Simply copy everything from from here, paste into a text editor, fill the relevant fields, and finally paste *as plain text* into the source editor**:

'''''X''''' is the story of...

=== '''Type:''' Movie Types ===

=== '''Opening Phrase''' ===

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because...

=== '''How Bad Was It?''' ===

Well, if you love...

=== '''Best Worst''' ===

=== '''Notes''' ===

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=== '''Jokes''' ===

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=== '''Interstitials''' ===

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=== '''Tropes''' ===

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=== '''Breakfast Club Close''' ===

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=== '''Links''' ===

\*[Episode on Audioboom]

\*[Episode on YouTube]

\*[Episode on Patreon]

\*[Film on YouTube]

\*[IMDb]

=== '''Ad Reads''' ===

\*[https://www.]: ()

\*[https://www.]: ()

[[Category:Episodes]]

[[Category:Special Guests]]

[[Category:]]

[[Category:Noah Lugeons]]

[[Category:Heath Enwright]]

[[Category:Eli Bosnick]]

\_\_NOTOC\_\_
Christmas on Salvation Street (GAM072)

### Starring:

Joe Pacheco, Catherine Lidstone, Israel Matos, Audrey Matos, Casey Bond, Elijah Rock, Reatha Grey, Alexis Rhee

### Production Company:

Higher Purpose Entertainment, Power in Faith, LLC

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Christmas on Salvation Street*** (also known simply as ***Salvation Street***) is the story of a white pastor moving his family from a rich town to a poor town and helping save the "coloreds" from themselves.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because that's the only *legal* thing that the voices tell me to do.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love feel good movies about white people saving black people, but the realistic acting makes you afraid you're trapped in your TV, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …actor. [Writer/Director]
* Eli: …streets. [Are they hunting people?]
* Eli: …kids. [Weird blanket honesty machines that understand nothing.]
* Noah: …parking. [Looked fine to Eli.]
* Noah: …editing. [Seizure inducing.]

### **Notes**

* Despite the description, this is *not* the same movie as *Brother White* (GAM007)–this film is trying to be a racist drama, not a racist comedy.

### **Jokes**

* Eli: Luthor's about to do grace, but he's got to apologize like a white girl doing karaoke first. He's like, \*white girl voice\* "Oh my God, okay. So, I'm doing this for my *sister*. Oh my gosh, Aaaaangela, you're gonna get *married*. Okay. Dear God, thank-you for the food. Oh my God, did I fucking ruin it? I think I was amazing. I put in *four* songs." … Karaoke is for the poor and untalented.

### **Interstitials**

* Tony D's Instant Christmas Movie (8:15)
* Digging a Pool (1:11:26)

### **Tropes**

* Behind on the Rent
* Boss in a Bit Part
* Indoctrination of Children
* RACISM!
* SEXISM!
* Women Shouldn't Touch Money

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Brianna strangled Dwayne by accident, because his hair was so soft and fuzzy.
* Noah: Claire was a *naughty* little child protective services agent.
* Eli: Brianna and Dwayne died in an unfortunate Amelia Bedelia misunderstanding with a lawnmower and some marshmallow fluff.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb
Sound of Freedom (GAM428)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Sound of Freedom*** is the story of Tim Ballard, who wanted to "save kids", so he turned into an armed vigilante. It's also the story of Eli Bosnick's parenting style, and it's the story of "Tim Ballard is a liar."

### **Opening Phrase**

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to *God Awful Movies* LIVE from Las Vegas!

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love the barely coherent child sex-trafficking myths that convinced your uncle to storm the Capitol on January 6th, but you wish it had more posthumous karate lessons, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …Tim Ballard is a liar. [See most of the episode.]
* Noah: …title drop.
* Noah: …passing the Bechdel test.
* Eli: …delaying traffic.

### **Notes**

* Recorded live at the mediocre Flamingo Las Vegas Hotel & Casino (which requested that they not be mentioned on the recording for some reason) on 28 October, from 7 to 10 PM (PDT).
* Angel Studios had a relatively unique "Pay It Forward" campaign for the movie, which accumulated the equivalent of 29,691,342 tickets, with the caveat that "If there are any funds remaining after the theatrical run, they will be used to pay for streaming *Sound of Freedom* in the Angel Studios app. Remaining funds from Pay it Forward may also be used to help the filmmaker create additional content." The film started streaming exclusively on 13 October on angel.com for members of the "Angel Guild."
* Noah had a heart attack just days after this record, on the night of 30 October 2023, with an artery ninety-nine percent blocked, but after a stent, he should be able to resume full activity. He was home on 1 November 2023, and requests that anyone who wants to help out should donate to Vulgarity for Charity.

### **Jokes**

* [Heath: This was fair! The boss was like, "Hey man, please don't send me emails that say 'I need money to incorporate Sex Hotel LLC' in fucking *Columbia*. HR is being a real pain in the ass about it here at *Homeland Security*. You want to tone it down?] [Eli: "Hey man, did you expense 'hot tub full of babies'? First of all, you put it under automotive, and I know the app doesn't have that many options, but—"]

### **Interstitials**

* First Writers' Meeting ft. Tim Ballard (8:09)
* What's… Vulgarity for Charity? (39:10)
* God Calls Little Timmy and His Trafficker Home (1:11:38)
* During the Breaks We Don't Actually Go Anywhere/Outtakes (1:58:15) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Boss in a Bit Part
* Looks Like…
* Name That Movie
* RACISM!
* SEXISM!
* The Eli Bosnick Story

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: The employees at Wayfair went on to do some really fun pranks.
* Noah: Tim Ballard probably went on to become a fucking senator.
* Eli: No one ever got a vaccine in that part of the country again.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* None on the Patreon edition.
* Raycon: [CODE: BIRTHDAY] Pillowcases Full of Candy (8:19)
Believe (GAM098)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Believe*** is the story of a down on his luck millionaire factory owner with so few problems he can afford to spend days stressing over a Christmas pageant, and the evil unionist blue collar workers that tried to take it all away by refusing to take two substantial pay cuts in a single calendar year.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we—my God, this movie was about how poor people deserved it—we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because Eli was mean to a witch at some point.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if someone for whom economics, unions, and income inequality [matter] stole your penguin pants, and you wanted to get the best revenge possible, you will *love* this
movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …really nice building
* Eli: …fire. [And the bar includes *Vultures of Horror*.]
* Noah: …character arc. [Scrooge if he didn't change.]

### **Notes**

* Heath having stolen Eli's "penguin pants" and Eli stealing them back was a briefly recurring bit across a few episodes of different shows.
* Heath's preemptive veto on the *Atlas Shrugged* movies would hold for a few years, until *Atlas Shrugged, Part I*, *Atlas Shrugged, Part II: The Strike (GAM338)*, and *Atlas Shrugged, Part III: Who Is John Galt?* were reviewed in 2022.

### **Jokes**

* [Noah: He's going off on his whole "I don't get six six days I don't get to leave at two go coach little league, I don't get six months maternity leave." Because you're—you doesn't have a—] [Heath: What?] [Eli: Imagine being mad about maternity leave. Imagine being mad about maternity leave.] [Noah: Yes.] [Eli: How more clearly the villain of a movie are you in any other movie, except the ones that we watch.] [Noah: Yes] [Heath: And you know what rich men get when they're pregnant? Literally anything they want. That's how that would work. Pretty sure.]
* GAM Hiphop Angel Song (2:05:11)

### **Interstitials**

* An Abhorrent Little Piece of Propaganda (7:45)
* Pancake Sauce! (1:14:38)
* Outtakes (2:05:42) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Behind on the Rent
* Bible Reading Montage
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity [Danielle Nicolet is great as Cecile Horton on *The Flash*.]
* Indoctrination of Children

"Flashback to Shit We Just Watched

* Most Advanced Commodores 64 Ever
* Name That Movie
* RACISM!
* Reprehensible Moral Message
* The Eli Bosnick Stoey
* Take Your Damn Medicine!

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Aggressive Baseball Dad went on to press his face against the backstop fence and yell "Two strikes! Gotta protect the plate, son!"
* Noah: Nancy eventually lost her Christianity, and was able to fuck women in peace.
* Eli: Eli was never able to get the hiphop angel song out of his head.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* Film on Tubi
* IMDb
Journey to Hell (GAM351)

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Journey to Hell*** is the story of… you are Hitler.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if your surf team is really into Jesus, and you just realized how much money you can save with green screens and the set of a porn, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …Supreme Court justice uniforms you have. [Oh, Canada.]
* Noah: …tag line. ["Jesus spoke more of hell than of heaven."]
* Eli: …break policy. [Not bad for Hell or even for Amazon.]

### **Notes**

* Recorded live at at The Royal (608 College St, Toronto, Ontario) from 7:30–9:30 EDT, and featuring Eli in a *Borat* outfit.
* The film is based on a "best-selling" novel by John Bunyan, and while the film's Facebook page lists a website, it doesn't seem to ever have worked.

### **Interstitials**

* Very Accurate Portrayal of Hell (7:23)
* Worst Guy in Hell, and Big Fan of Ziplining (38:32)
* Reverse Pascal's Wager (Murder More People) (1:06:47)
* Outtakes (1:43:30) [Post-Credits]

### **Tropes**

* A World Without Black People
* Cancer Wife/God Killed My Mom/Evil Stole My Faith
* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Deathbed Conversion
* Not Christian Enough
* Reprehensible Moral Message

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Eli just needed to watch another fifty-nine thousand years of Supernatural l, and he'd be right on board.
* Noah: The homelessness guy only realised after the credits that Shane's job offer was "being hunted for sport."
* Heath: On behalf of every American with a uterus: will you marry us?

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* [Episode on YouTube]
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Fitbod: Better Than *The Road to Hell Workout (1:45:07)*
* Better Help: Because Eli and Heath and Live Show (1:46:45)
* Hello Fresh: [CODE: AWFUL16] Audience Added to the "What's…? Spreadsheet (1:47:56)