Chris The Kiwi

*"There's this really horrible website on Google called Dickipedia or something like that. It's saying some really bad stuff about me, saying to not approach this guy for any reason or something."*

**Please do not contact this individual for any reason.**

Christopher Francis McCarty (commonly known as Chris the Kiwi) is a 43 year old autistic anti-Semitic New Zealander and recent lolcow who is affiliated with *The Dick Show*. He first appeared on episode 138 to spin a tale about his unsuccessful attempt at marrying an inmate at a Texan women's penitentiary. Things haven't been the same since. Chris has repeatedly sworn-off his relationship with Dick Masterson yet continues to falter on his commitments due to being a narcissistic attention whore. If you couldn't tell already, Chris suffers from severe autism and lives off government benefits in a public housing facility. The editor at Dickipedia - The *Dick Show* Wiki would like to remind the reader to *never **ever*** seek Christopher out. He is not to be confused with *another infamous Christopher* though they do share some striking similarities.

### Aliases

Chris the Kiwi, Kiwi Christopher, "The Kiwi"

## **A Bachelor's Woes**

Chris answered Dick's request to find a fan of the show who had participated in a relationship with an incarcerated person. Chris called in via Skype and spilled the beans on his multiple attempts at courting women via inmate pen-pal programs (because people still do that in 2019). He was also open to express prior woes with trying to have sexual congress with his cousin. Dick repeatedly warned him that he could end up in prison himself if he tried doing so but Chris was adamant that since his cousin had only blocked him on *one* Facebook account that perhaps she was still DTF. When Sean and Laycee also told him not to pursue that avenue Chris provided them with his trademark rebuttal:

*"Well...that's just your opinion."*

## **Chop Chop**

Chris had been moseying around the *Dick Show* community trying to score some wicked hot slash with a few Diquettes (that's a female Dickhead for those unaware), most notably caller Dr. Rachel. When the good doctor got in contact with Dick about the Kiwi's mad antics Chris decided that his privacy had been betrayed and left Rachel a series of alarming voicemails, most notably one where he promised to cut Rachel's breasts off, mentioning that he had done so before and would do so again. The concept of forced double-mastectomy has since become a running gag among the *Dick Show* community.

## **It's Catfish Season**

After Christopher's magnificent display of virginhood Dickheads took to the internet to try and take advantage of him via catfishing. One incredible instance of this was a Twitter account belonging to Christina Falso, whose profile picture was a Faceapp gender-swap of Christopher's Facebook profile picture. Even after this tweet proved Chris to be as gullible as he is horny Chris still attempted to confide in Dick that Christina was a real person and the Twitter account simply used her image in scorn. This event was covered in *The Dick Show* episode 157.

No less than a week after the Christina Falso incident did Chris' heart (and penis) change direction towards a new love interest; this time in the form of a mysterious individual named Yume who called in to the show to speak with Chris, Dick and Sean. That fiasco can be viewed here along with Chris' side of the Christina story. Chris also submitted a lovely poem to Dick titled *The Mysterious Woman* which was read-aloud on air.

Dick tackled the question of if his and the community's actions were harmful to Chris, saying that Chris is an obvious psychopath who uses his autism and general mental instability to get what he wants. Adding:

*"People are protecting violent behavior because they're calling it a mental issue and it is **not**; the two are different. There's a pervasive dicklessness in society where guys do not want to rain absolute Hell on abusers. Some of us know them and can identify them and pull them out of a crowd and everybody else who doesn't have that ability wants to cry 'bully' to those of us with dicks who know how to use them."*

Chris made a Twitter account in June 2019 where he posted often, averaging 13 times a day. When he wasn't spinning woeful paragraphs about Peach Saliva and Dr. Rachel he would share photos of churches, trains, and parks; as well as videos of himself singing. He has since been banned from Twitter. His Facebook activity has steadily dwindled since Summer 2019 and what little interaction he has with the community has been via Discord, though his appearances there are also fleeting.

2020 has seen a resurgence in Christopher's online activity. He has a new Twitter page which has nearly double the posts as his previous one, and he spends a significant amount of time on Discord. His Facebook escapes have remained sparse - he occasionally posts vague and inoffensive remarks to the *Dick Show* Facebook Group but he never comments or engages with the community in any other manner.

He also follows me, the editor, on Twitter; and I fear for both my life and my tits.

As of July 2020 Chris' online presence is inert. He no longer possesses accounts on any of the aforementioned platforms.

## ***The Chris Cant Cast***

Loyal Dickhead Cantillions reached out to Chris in early 2019 with the prospect of a podcast of his own. Chris was jolly to oblige and thus co-founded *The Chris-Cant Cast*. The show followed a rudimentary format of Cantillions asking Chris general questions of sometimes innocuous and sometimes seedy nature, occasionally resulting in Chris simply putting his phone down but not hanging up, presumably in the hopes that Cantillions would go away. Despite Chris' multiple "walkouts" he continued to record the show and was remarkably punctual unlike fellow autistic podcaster David Clegg. Things began to take a turn after Cantillions presented Chris with their first viewer voicemail which turned out to be a voicemail Chris sent to Dr. Rachel threatening to butcher her boobies. Chris became distraught and ordered Cantillions to stop but swiftly reversed his demeanor and claimed he had no idea who's voice was in the call. The show lasted for 10*(citation needed)* episodes. In August Chris made several vitriolic tweets aimed at Cantillions. Simultaneously Cantillions reported his Soundcloud account had been terminated due to flagging. The *Chris-Cant Cast* official iTunes feed went down soon after.

In March 2020 Chris appeared on *The Dick Show* episode 200 and made up with Cantillions. The two announced that they would work out their differences and make arrangements for a new endeavor. On April 15th *The Chris Cant Cast*Season 2 kicked off with a roaring start, though off-air back-and-forths on Twitter may spell doom for the fledgling series. Chris has also expressed his desire to change the name of the show though he has yet to offer any alternative title.

## **Threat Bet**

On episode 168 Dick made Chris a wager: if he can go one week without threatening to harm or kill anybody he will win $100, however for every threat Chris *does* make he will lose $10 and it will go to the person he threatened. (The obvious loophole here is for Chris to threaten to kill himself so he wins the $10 because he is both the threateneer and the threatenee) By the recording of episode 169 Chris had threatened to kill a woman named Dina and threatened to "rape Peach with a wire brush." Dick awarded him $80 but Chris objected to his winnings saying that his threats were warranted and he was owed the full Benjamin. In the same episode Cantillions joined and played audio of Peach calling in to the final episode of the *Chris and Cant Podcast* to berate Chris for sending her ten emails chocked full of nonsense and malicious language. (Screenshots of which can be found on her Twitter) Chris said she was refusing to "see things from [his] perspective" and shouldn't be so rude. He then cried. A Dickhead by the name of Stove later called in and challenged Chris to a fight, saying "I'll beat you like the dog cunt you are." Chris simply giggled and asked Stove if he had taken a shit recently and if he enjoyed getting fisted by other men.

## **Gone as Quick as He Came**

Chris was suspended off Twitter in early September and hasn't appeared on *The Dick Show* since the aforementioned incident back in August. On episode 174 Dick announced that Chris would be calling in to the show but he never rang. Prior to that episode Maddox announced via Twitter that he had "reported a credible threat" to the Brisbane Police Department. Dick contacted Chris to see if the threat was him but Chris was already incarcerated for a separate offence of unknown characteristic. Chris has since made private his Facebook account yet there exists a dedicated bastion of Dickheads who screenshot his rants and erotic poetry for the *Dick Show* Facebook group's delight.

## **Came as Quick as He's Gone**

Chris' magnificent return to *The Dick Show* occurred on episode 184 where he immediately began complaining about a woman named Hannah harassing him via Facebook. The topic swiftly changed to Chris retelling a recent event where he contacted an unknown number on his phone and found it to be an old hitch of his. They hit it off and ended up having sex. He then elaborated on his recent arrest, stating that the police visited him and took him to a mental hospital for no apparent reason. He believes that trouble stemmed from a comment he made on the *Chris-Cant Cast* when he said "I sympathize with people who commit mass shootings." The word he meant to use was "empathize." Chris suspects that someone contacted the authorities in his area and had him arrested though he doesn't think it was done out of malice.

Chris returned for episode 186 to follow up on progress with a hooker he met via e-dating. Things were patchy at first, especially after Chris told her he has no job and then called her a dick, though he apologized and offered her a coffee date. He later elaborated that the "dating site" was called "escortsandbabes.au" which is an escort site. Much to Chris' annoyance, many of the woman he had previously contacted via the site knew who he was, leading him to believe that there exists a "hooker blacklist" with his name and info. He made an account on the site to pose as a hooker and obtain the supposed blacklist but he signed in *under his real name* and foiled his own master plan. His prospects were later jeopardized by the possibility that the hooker he was trying to court was a meth addict with a personality disorder which is hilarious coming from a guy with an actual personality disorder. Chris later lamented that a horrible website called "Dickipedia" was making lies about him.

On episode 204 Dick invited Chris to call in to apologize for a sour interaction the two had had on Twitter. In a seemingly innocent conversation between Chris and autistic failure Cameron Clarke, Chris suddenly posted several images, names, addresses and a phone number associated with Dick's girlfriend and urged his followers to dox her. Dick laid into Chris (calling him fat, autistic, et cetera) before announcing that this was the last time the two would talk.

When Chris called in to episode 204 Dick immediately flew into a rage and berated Chris for several minutes. The kiwi flew away but returned after a time saying, "I thought this was an apology." Dick's rant resumed before Chris uttered his final words:

"*Go wank off.*"

As of **April 27th** Chris has retired from the show.

## **Trivia**

* Chris is a recognized public threat in both his native and host countries of New Zealand and Australia. A Google-search of his phone number (which he has disclosed on multiple occasions) reveals a history of malicious behavior towards various strangers over the years.
* In late 2018 Chris launched a GoFundMe campaign to facilitate the construction of a new bachelor pad. The campaign initially sought $50,000 but was soon raised to $500,000. In October 2019 Dick Masterson posted Chris' Discord DM's demanding that Dick purchase Christopher a house in Los Angeles.
* Chris has multiple *tells* to indicate whether or not he's lying or if someone has caught him in a lie. Being autistic, Chris often makes small chirps and grunts when Dick or a guest starts to pressure him. He will also interrupt Dick with questions, interjections or non-sequiturs when faced with evidence against his claims of innocence. This usually ends with Chris announcing that he wants to change the subject in order to avoid facing up to his malice.
* Chris frequently mentions his autism and regularly uses it as a crutch to gain sympathy. He also claims to be suicidal though this admonition is only brought up when a female is "being rude" to him
* Dick has mentioned that Chris suffers from "a multitude" of mental illnesses possibly including but not limited to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Sociopathy, and Asperger's Syndrome.
* Chris experiences vocal outbursts when he is amused or exited, some so unusual sounding that Sean has asked Chris to stop masturbating on the call.
* As of October 2019 Dick has not mentioned the Threat Bet he set up back in August. Chris was awarded his well-deserved $80 from the first month though little, if any, progress has been made since.
* Chris hand wrote a letter to President Donald J. Trump in November 2019 asking for amnesty due to alleged mistreatment by the New Zealand and Australian governments.
* In February 2020 Dr. Rachel provided Chris with critical personal info (name, number, employer, etc) of Dick's girlfriend in the hopes that Chris would use this info to get her fired from her job. Chris instead forwarded the info to Dick and chose to be the bigger man, exposing Dr. Rachel for the rat she is.
* On episode 200 of *The Dick Show* Chris declared that the COVID-19 pandemic was created by a multinational coalition spearheaded by Bill Gates and Israel to destroy the global economy and enforce global authoritarianism.
* Chris is the only person to ever mention Dickipedia - The *Dick Show* Wiki on air.