TRP: Goro and Hansel (Lancing)

[SETTING: Directly after Cursed Thunder. Day 373, night.]

Hansel kissed Goro's hair and rubbed his back. He was pretty sure Goro liked it when he hummed -- could probably feel it all rumbling in his chest, and such -- so he did that, low as he could. Soothed himself, too, reassuring him that Goro was here, and safe, and -- selfish as it was -- needed him. Wasn't gonna replace him, or anything. Wanted him.

He wondered what would've happened if Sam had agreed to join them, though -- if Goro would've dropped like he did, or put it off. Stayed all alert and on top of things.

He wondered if Goro trusted Sam enough to let his guard down, now, was all. Made him fret, 'cause he still wasn't keen on the warlock or the demon he tithed to -- meant something, Sam showing up to help Goro, especially since it seemed like Sam had let himself get fucked up doing it, but still. Hansel just didn't trust it. And Goro'd been real upset, before. And ...

Hansel just hummed to Goro and held him, murmuring between kisses even though Goro had his ears covered. Chatichi. Krishi. Oresi. Shemeshi.

LINA

After a bit, when Goro felt like he'd had enough--not of Hansel, but of being in the cave--he uncovered his ears and put his bracelet back on. He squirmed up so his face was level with Hansel's, and gave Hansel lots of kisses.

He gave a relaxed sigh and rested his head on Hansel's shoulder. "Was just... a lot. Bad few hours. Sam made it better, but. Still fuckin'... y'know, hurting everywhere, and not feeling safe, and shit." He snapped his fingers, thinking of the right word. "Overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed. Better now." He turned his face into the crook of Hansel's neck.

IZZY

"S'okay," Hansel said, relaxed now that Goro was relaxed. He ran a hand through Goro's hair, breaking apart the stiffness of dried saltwater, ruffling first and then petting it smooth, doing it again.

He'd kinda just gotten used to this. Goro could be twitchy and antsy and full of the need to fidget and talk, but sometimes he just needed a minute. Hansel could get that. Was different from just how it worked for him, but he could get it. And in the same way Hansel usually felt better if he could hide his face against Mishka's chest or in Goro's hair, it seemed like it helped Goro a lot for Hansel to be there with him, when he needed a minute.

Made Hansel feel useful. Made him feel stable. Heavy and purposeful, like an anchor.

He kissed Goro's temple and kept petting his hair. "Glad you feel better."

Sam'd made it better, huh. Hansel was fuckin' suspicious.

LINA

Goro's stomach growled. "Okay, now I gotta eat. Whatcha got up here?"

IZZY

"Mm. S'cold now." He looked over to the bedside table. "Got a bit of a baked potato left. Some greens. Can get you somethin' hot, though," he offered.

LINA

"Got me something hot right here." Goro poked him in the chest and grinned. He leaned over and grabbed the plate, then settled back against Hansel and started eating the leftovers, not even bothering with a fork. "You get enough to eat?" he asked, mouth full.

IZZY

Hansel pffft'd at him, grinning back. "Why you fuckin' asking me if I'm fed when you're the one starvin', huh?"

LINA

Goro frowned. "'S important for you to get enough, too."

IZZY

"I already ate, krishi. S'why there's leftovers."

LINA

"Psh." Goro shoved the last of the baked potato in his mouth, swallowed, and licked his fingers. He glanced uncertainly around the room. "Um. Anything else?"

IZZY

"We can get room service," Hansel said, amused. He'd think Goro had been fuckin' kidnapped and starved for days, not part of an evening.

Made his gut twist, though, thinking that, 'cause -- Goro could've been gone a lot fucking longer. Could've ended up being starved by the pirates that had him, like he'd starved on the street as a kid, when he was just kinda starting to get used to the idea of food being enjoyable and something families did together, not just something he needed to survive another day.

Hansel wrapped back around him abruptly, crushing Goro to his chest furiously. He didn't have anything to say, didn't wanna be -- upsetting, or anything, just -- just needed to hold onto Goro another second.

LINA

"Mmf," Goro said agreeably. He nuzzled against Hansel. "Room service."

IZZY

Hansel kept squeezing him. "What you want?" he asked, muffled against Goro's hair.

LINA

"Some of everything. And... and some beer."

IZZY

He snorted, settling again, a bit. "You sure about that last bit?"

LINA

"Yeah. Yeah. I want some beer."

IZZY

"You gonna make a face over it and choke on it?" he teased, rocking them side to side a little.

LINA

"Hey. I mean, probably, but." Goro pulled his head back so he could stick his tongue out.

IZZY

Hansel smiled at him anyway. Or because. Maybe both. He held Goro's face for a second and stroked Goro's cheeks with his thumbs, then made himself stop before Goro went and got all embarrassed. Just felt real lucky, for a moment, let himself feel it, then kissed Goro's forehead quickly and nuzzled against him before stopping, and reaching back to call for room service by plucking the string of twine in the wall that ran and rung a little bell downstairs.

A brief conversation with a waiter and a bit more of a wait later, and they had a bowl of chicken stew, crunchy charred cod, marinated and slow-cooked fruit and vegetable skewers, and even some more of those banana cinnamon griddle cakes with syrup and whipped cream. To top it off, a couple steins of beer, but a carafe of coffee, too, with milk and dark cane sugar on the side.

Hansel collected the tray at the door, balancing it carefully and padding shirtless back over to Goro snuggled up in bed. He hooked the bedside table with a foot to pull it out, and managed to set the overloaded tray down without spilling anything. It all smelled fresh, and hot, and he kind of wished for a window so they could have fresh sea air too -- cool air, so they could cuddle together for warmth while they ate -- but neither Goro nor Mishka were comfortable with a window, and Hansel would rather be with them than smell the ocean.

He climbed back into bed with Goro and wrapped an arm around Goro's shoulders to tuck Goro against his side, kissing his temple. He liked watching Goro eat. He would pick at a bit of it, himself, too, but mostly he just wanted Goro to eat. (Maybe get a little drunk, because it was cute when Goro got a little drunk.)

LINA

The food smelled amazing, and Goro's stomach was still growling, but he still took a moment to snuggle and kiss Hansel before he dove in.

He started with a few bites of the griddle cakes. (Thought about how back when he lived at Amari's house, she'd sometimes give him a slice of pie while she was cooking dinner, and say "dessert first" all conspiratorially, which had baffled him.)

Next he picked up his beer stein, looked Hansel dead in the eye, and took a drink. He swallowed. Made it a good few seconds, too, before his face twisted up and he shuddered. "God damn it."

IZZY

Hansel smirked at him. "Aye. Knew it."

LINA

"Psh, shh, shut up. Let me try again." Goro took another gulp. He managed to avoid shuddering this time, but his eyes watered. "There."

IZZY

"You ain't gotta like it, y'know," Hansel told him. "Ain't sure beer really goes with griddle cakes anyhow."

LINA

"Does it go with anything?" Goro speared himself a bite of cod and stuck it in his mouth.

IZZY

"Goes with gettin' drunk," Hansel said solemnly.

LINA

"Well, then." Goro took another gulp. Then he snorted. He pitched his voice low to imitate Hansel. "You ain't gotta like it. How many times I heard that?" He snorted again and giggled, nuzzling Hansel's face. "Always looking out for me, making sure I have a good time. You're so fuckin' great. Love you so much."

IZZY

"Mmhm." Hansel ruffled his hair and kissed it, then pulled some pineapple off a skewer to pop into his mouth. "You gettin' a little tipsy there a'ready, chatichi?"

LINA

"No. What, I gotta be tipsy to tell my fiance how much I love him?" Goro kissed his cheek and took another bite of fish. "When you gonna marry me, huh? When you gonna make me your husband?"

IZZY

"Hmm. Must be just about any day now. 'Bout got my vows all written out," he said thoughtfully. You still want to? he started to ask, and made himself not.

LINA

"Taken you this long to write 'em?" Goro asked, like he wasn't still picking at his own.

IZZY

"Y'know I ain't that good at words an' shit," he said sheepishly, even though he was pretty sure he'd said that before, like it was obvious, and Goro'd argued with him

LINA

"What do they say?" Goro asked. "Wait." He put a hand over his face, snickering, and took another drink of beer.

IZZY

"What're you laughin' about?" Hansel asked, squinting.

LINA

"I asked you what they say, but you can't tell me. That'd be like... opening your Candlenight present before Candlenight."

IZZY

He snorted. Aye. Real great gift it was gonna be, him stumbling over his words and trying to read his own poor writing with his hands shaking and all.

LINA

"This might be a dumb question," Goro warned. And he took another sip, for courage.

IZZY

"Mm?"

LINA

"Are you gonna, y'know--" He swallowed, started to bite his lip, and stopped. "Talk about how much you love me, and--what it means for us to be together, and all?"

IZZY

"Uhh." He felt himself go a little warm. "D'you ... not want me to, or somethin'?"

LINA

"No, no, I just--" Goro waved his hand around. Hansel's face turned pink, and Goro felt himself flush too in response. God, so fucking cute. "No. It's not that. I just wanted to make sure I'm doing it right. I--I kind of wrote mine kind of inspired by what I've heard other people say, y'know, you and Mishka and Raef and... and Griffin." Ah, that still fucking hurt. "But I didn't--y'know--I wasn't sure..." He looked down at his drink.

IZZY

"Oh. Uh." He'd been nervous for a minute there, thinking about how Goro was all skittish sometimes about the whole idea of a wedding at all, and saying shit in front of people, and whatnot. Hansel didn't want Goro to be uncomfortable at their own wedding. Was just -- he'd have to come up with whole new vows, trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to say without talking about what Goro meant to him, and all, and that seemed ... kinda impossible.

He shook his head and kissed Goro's hair a couple times, leaving his face planted here. "You ain't gonna do it wrong, ahuv," he said softly.

LINA

"It's, um. It's still weird to imagine someone saying... those kinda things... about me. So. Y'know. Would've been embarrassing if I'd got up there doing it that way, and you had something different in mind, and..." He gestured vaguely. Took another sip of beer, trying not to dislodge Hansel's face from his hair.

IZZY

"Aye. I gotcha." He nuzzled against Goro's hair again and backed off so Goro could actually eat and such. "All good, though."

LINA

Goro let out a breath, relieved. And excited. It was weird to imagine someone saying those things about him at a wedding, yeah, but Hansel was going to. He started fidgeting and grinning, feeling almost giddy.

"Maybe I am a little tipsy," he admitted.

IZZY

"Mm, y'think so?" Hansel said, amused. "Li'l lightweight. Shoulda ate some more, first."

LINA

"Oh yeah. Larkin told me about that once, I think." He traded his beer stein out for the stew bowl and started slurping.

IZZY

Hansel wrapped around him and cuddled him happily, trying to not keep him from being able to eat, but on the other hand, eh, Hansel could always feed him.

LINA

"Sam's weird," Goro announced in between slurping stew.

IZZY

"Picked up on that," Hansel commented, figuring Goro was probably gonna elaborate.

LINA

"Too much like me. Kind of a pain in the fucking butt."

IZZY

Hansel frowned, not sure how to respond to that. "You ain't a fuckin' pain."

LINA

"I am. Look, you're real fucking patient, is all. Sam--I asked him if he wanted to be my friend, and he got all grouchy about it. I asked him if he was sure, and he wouldn't even answer me. Just went and sat in a corner and started smoking. I mean, literally, smoke coming off him."

IZZY

"The hell," Hansel said mildly. That sounded like some magic shit -- like uncontrolled magic shit. Didn't sound fuckin' safe.

LINA

"Oh, yeah, 'cause he's like--a fire guy. Like Mishka. So he does that sometimes when he's real upset. I think he was crying." Remembering it made Goro sad all over again.

IZZY

Well that was just fuckin' puzzling. "Fuckin' ... why. 'Cause you said you wanted to be his friend?"

God, the fucking vulnerability there. Hansel just wanted to scoop Goro up and keep him from -- fucking saying shit like that to people who'd hurt him. Felt like a mistake sometimes, how Hansel had worked Goro out of his defenses. Had to be around to shield him, now. All the time. Couldn't let go of him, couldn't let him get hurt. He squeezed Goro protectively.

LINA

"No, no. Well, yes. But, no, listen. He's like me, right? It's hard for him to admit he likes people, and shit. And he acts like people are just gonna stop liking him if he fucks up a little. It's annoying."

IZZY

"Ah," Hansel said, extremely fucking carefully. "Huh."

LINA

"What?"

IZZY

"Nah, s'just. Mm."

LINA

"What?"

IZZY

He hesitated. "I mean, I dunno, ahuv. Just, y'know, I don't ..." He paused again, chewing on his words. Wasn't sure how to say it. "Y'know, sometimes, there's shit about people that might be a problem for you, if it was someone else, but 'cause it's them, it don't bother you, or whatever. 'Cause you love'em. An' that's more important than, y'know whatever petty shit. Just ..." He shifted. "Y'know, I don't want you to ... fuckin', uh. Uh, there's this word Luci used on me one time. What was it." He snapped his fingers. "Project. Yeah. Don't want you to be projectin' onto Sam, and shit. He ain't you just 'cause you got some similarities. And shit that's frustrating about him don't mean you're frustrating. Right? Y'know?"

God, he felt like he'd said too much and still not hardly made a fuckin' point.

LINA

"I mean. I guess. Depends on who you ask, don't it? I'm... really fucking frustrating, to a lot of people."

IZZY

"Well, fuck'em."

LINA

"I'm frustrating to people including your own family members, Hans." He said it all matter-of-factly. He didn't think it was automatically a bad thing. Amari frustrated the hell out of him, and he still loved her to death.

IZZY

"Well," Hansel grumbled.

LINA

"Well nothin'," Goro said. "Point is, Sam's a pain in the ass to deal with. But I guess he likes me. And wants to be friends with me. And we cuddled."

IZZY

Hansel felt like there was something to argue, here. He grumbled a bit more. "Is he fuckin' worth it, though? Just ... fucker upset you, before."

LINA

Goro took some more bites of stew before he responded. He set the bowl down and traded it out for his beer again. "Yeah. I know. Um... well, I told him, I told him you said--" Goro flushed, remembering how much he'd relied on Hansel's words in that conversation. "Told him you said not everyone's worth it, and I wasn't sure if he was worth it, 'cause he needed to treat me good. And turns out, he was trying. That's why he came to rescue me. And he was real nice when I was really hurt. I mean real nice, as nice as a couple of fucks like him and me can ever really get."

IZZY

More grumbling. Grudgingly, he said, "S'pose."

LINA

"You helped me," Goro said. He took a drink nervously.

IZZY

"Eh? What d'you mean?"

LINA

"Um, just." Another drink, and a vague gesture. "I thought about--thought about the stuff you've said to me, and how, y'know, you want me to look out for myself, and I kind of imagined what you'd be saying if you were there. Helping me stick up for myself."

IZZY

"Oh. Oh. Uh." Hansel felt himself blushing again. Silvanus. That was fuckin' ridiculous, someone trying to imagine what a big angry dumbass like him'd be saying. "Pffft. I mean," he mumbled, "just sayin' shit that, y'know, other folks've said to me, like Elitash and Mishka and such. Uh. Glad it ... glad it helped, though. S'good."

LINA

"What? You don't really believe it?" Goro didn't really buy that, but seeing Hansel get all flustered and shit, he couldn't help making fun.

IZZY

"Nah, I believe it," he said, all sheepish again. "Just, uh, y'know. Glad that you do." 'Cause he didn't believe it for himself, all the time.

LINA

Goro narrowed his eyes suspiciously and took another drink.

IZZY

"What?"

LINA

"You're acting all weird and shit."

IZZY

"Am not."

LINA

"Are so."

IZZY

"Nuh."

LINA

Goro just frowned at him.

IZZY

Hansel cuddled him aggressively. "I'm not."

LINA

"'Kay." Goro drank some more beer. He was almost halfway through the mug, now.

IZZY

Hansel kept cuddling him.

LINA

Goro grabbed a skewer and started nibbling at it.

IZZY

Hansel continued to cuddle Goro, because it was his natural state of being.

LINA

Goro was halfway through the skewer when he spoke again. "You get all weird whenever I talk about how, y'know. You made my life better, or helped me be a better person, or whatever. I dunno. Like you don't want the credit or something."

IZZY

Hansel shrugged, still wrapped contentedly around Goro. Felt weird to talk about.

LINA

Goro set the rest of the skewer and the beer down. He twisted around so he could hug Hansel properly.

"When you do that it kinda feels like, ah... like you're not listening to me? Or don't believe me. But it's true."

IZZY

"Oh," Hansel said, alarmed. "Nah, nah, I -- I mean, I'm listenin' to you. S'just, I dunno. Eh. Ain't you. Just hard t'believe. Dunno what to say."

LINA

Goro was quiet for a minute.

"There's lots of things that're hard for me to believe," he said quietly. "But you keep telling me."

IZZY

"Yeah," Hansel said. He got what Goro was getting at, there. Just made him shift around uncomfortably.

LINA

Goro thought about saying more, but he wasn't quite sure how. After a moment he kissed Hansel's shoulder, then turned around again to pick up his food and beer. He went back to nibbling.

IZZY

Hansel snuggled him, rubbing his beard against Goro idly. "I mean," he said after a moment. "Uh. Don't want you t'feel like ... you shouldn't ... say stuff. Just 'cause I don't know what to say back."

LINA

"You've gotten mad."

IZZY

Hansel cringed a bit. "Yeah ..."

LINA

"Is it 'cause you're scared?"

IZZY

He hesitated, and mumbled, "Yeah. S'pose. Used to ... be mad a lot. All the time. Eli helped me with it. Said I was mad at myself for bein' scared of shit." Which was fuckin' true, he knew. He hated being so fucking afraid. "Said, uh. Said I took it out on other folks. So they'd fuck off, an' I could, y'know. Suffer, an' shit. Be alone."

He squeezed Goro tighter; he didn't fuckin' want to be alone, just figured he deserved it, and it was gonna happen anyway, so --

"I got better," he said weakly, like it was an excuse for still being fucking shit now. All the shit Eli had gone over with him -- just all faded away, somehow, got lost. It was fucking hard without her.

LINA

Goro leaned up to kiss Hansel's cheek again, then went back to his food. He polished off the fruit on the skewer and tossed it on the table.

"Eli was kind of like your Amari," he guessed.

IZZY

Hansel said, "Psh, Eli wasn't my mom," then realized that was fuckin' exactly what Goro said about Amari.

LINA

"Not really my point," Goro mumbled, and took a drink.

IZZY

"I know," he mumbled back.

LINA

"Amari says I make people mad on purpose." Goro took another drink. He didn't feel so tipsy anymore. "So I can... test 'em, or whatever. See if they really care about me. Or something." The way Amari explained it, it made a lot more sense.

"I never... never had the guts to do that with you, though. I mean, back when we were first together, and all. Too scared you'd leave me."

IZZY

"Yeah," Hansel said slowly. "I mean ... I dunno. I figured that -- any time you acted like you wanted to push me away, you didn't mean it. I know -- y'know, what that's like, I guess."

LINA

"Well, um. What I'm getting at is... there's lots of stuff I wanted to say to you, but didn't. 'Cause I was scared to make you mad. And it's weird, 'cause it wasn't like it was bad stuff. Just about... how great I think you are, and stuff."

IZZY

Hansel squeezed him tighter, feeling fucking guilty. "Like -- after Gruumsh," he mumbled. "Sorry."

LINA

"Uh huh." Goro polished off the rest of the beer. It was a big gulp and it made his head swim a little. "I still don't--get it," he stammered. "But I thought--well, I think, I don't think you'll leave me just 'cause I make you mad. Anymore. I think."

IZZY

"I won't," he insisted.

LINA

"So, d'you think you could uh..." God, it still made him nervous, even with the reassurance. "Will you tell me why it bugs you so much, when people say nice shit about you?"

IZZY

He made an uncomfortable mmnnn sound. "Dunno. Just. Don't feel true. Like either --" he didn't wanna say you -- "like either they're lyin' to me, or -- or else I fuckin' tricked'em, somehow, into thinkin' I'm somethin' I'm not, really."

Goro and Mishka, they both looked at him like he was the world. Like he was the best thing in it. Felt half-true, sometimes, but -- not most of it.

LINA

Goro frowned over that for a while, thinking. "What do you think is true, then?"

IZZY

Hansel shrugged and mumbled and the only word that really came out clear -- the only one that really mattered, anyway -- was monster.

LINA

"What?"

IZZY

"Just ... a fuckin' monster. Is all."

LINA

For a second, Goro almost thought he was gonna laugh.

The notion of his sweet, warm, gentle fiance--

His fiance, who cuddled him and kissed him and rested his face in his hair when he was tired. Who made the best hot chocolate in the world and loved his family more than anything and sang rowdy sea shanties when he had too much whiskey. Who blushed and grumbled when someone complimented him. Who cradled Goro's face so carefully, so reverently, looking at him like he was a god.

The thought that anyone could look at Hansel and see a monster was the most ridiculous fucking thing Goro had ever heard in his life. But he knew people had. They'd looked at him when he was a child and seen a monster. They'd sneered and said hateful things to him and sicced their dogs on him.

So Goro didn't laugh. He set down his mug and turned around to hug Hansel properly.

"You really think so?" he asked quietly. Gentle, not harsh, like he always tended to be. He tried really hard to make it soft.

IZZY

Hansel figured Goro was gonna argue with him, and didn't wanna say yes, but he'd already said the first part. Wasn't any getting around it. Felt like he had to defend himself, or something. "Yeah," he muttered. "The hell else kinda person makes his boyfriend fuckin' ... scared of sayin' nice shit to him."

Even if Goro maybe wasn't afraid of it, now. He had been. Still stopped being Hansel's boyfriend and decided to be his fiance, instead, though, made things even worse 'cause he'd still been afraid of it and wanted to get closer to Hansel anyway.

"Sometimes," he said, without really meaning to -- "feels like -- I'm a fucking pit. A sinkhole, or a whirlpool. Just fuckin' ... grab shit, and drag it down with me. Ain't even gotta do it on purpose. S'just ... what I'm like. Just a thing that hurts people."

And he held onto Goro tighter, because saying it out loud felt fucking bad, but holding onto Goro and dragging him in felt fucking bad, too, and there wasn't anything he could do that wouldn't feel fucking bad.

LINA

Goro frowned, and then he just kept frowning for a while, trying to put all these weird-shaped pieces together.

"I wasn't scared 'cause you're scary," he said. "I was scared 'cause I didn't wanna lose you. And it seemed so fucking unbelievable I had you at all, that I was afraid doing one tiny thing wrong was gonna fuck it all up. Wasn't your fault. I was just scared."

It felt like he was only scratching the surface of what Hansel had said. But it was a start.

IZZY

Hansel made a doubtful, unconvinced sound. "Can be both," he mumbled.

LINA

"But it's not."

IZZY

"Might be," he insisted. "Dunno why you'd be so fuckin' worried about losin' me if ... if somethin' wasn't fucking wrong." Even as he was saying it, he knew how Goro was going to tell him he wasn't right. Came out anyway, though. "If I hadn't made you think I'm better than I am."

LINA

"Wh--what?" Goro squinted. He shook his head. "Um--I don't--I guess I don't got anything to compare it to, since I never had a boyfriend before you, but... I mean, you think I'm good at reading people, yeah?"

IZZY

"Yeah," Hansel said reluctantly, knowing what he was walking into.

LINA

Goro was pretty sure Hansel knew what he was getting at, so he didn't feel the need to spell it out for him. He just was quiet for a moment, letting his point sit there.

"Ahuv," he said. And then wasn't sure what he wanted to say after that.

IZZY

Hansel nnn'd unhappily. "Sometimes people're wrong."

LINA

"Uh huh?"

IZZY

"So."

LINA

"So I'm wrong about you, and you're secretly a monster."

IZZY

"Mmf."

LINA

"And I made a big mistake trusting you, 'cause all you're gonna do is hurt me."

IZZY

"Nnn."

LINA

"You actually think that? Or you're just... scared?"

IZZY

"Dunno. Can be both," he managed. He hid his face against Goro's neck. Didn't like thinking about this shit, because it made him fuckin' feel bad, and then he wanted someone to hold him and make him feel better, but he didn't deserve to feel better.

LINA

"Maybe too scared to think about it straight?" Goro guessed. Still trying to be as gentle as he could.

IZZY

Hansel offered another nnn.

"Sometimes -- sometimes," he managed, "I get ... real fuckin' ... scared and worried about shit that ... that ain't gonna happen. An' I know it ain't gonna happen, or -- or it ain't real, or -- whatever. But -- but other times I get real fuckin' worried about shit, like that, and -- it does happen. And I'm right. And -- and if I'd've just fuckin' -- paid attention, then, then y'know -- I maybe could've ... stopped it from happening."

(Blood in his teeth. Red on his hands. Serena knew. Don't be afraid, she said. She tried. He hadn't listened to her. Hadn't listened to the thing in him that knew he was a monster, and ...)

LINA

Goro squeezed Hansel tight and kissed his hair.

"I know... I know you got reason to be scared. Gruumsh, and all. But--that's not you, love. That's not you. That ain't your fault."

IZZY

"Could've kept it from happening," he mumbled.

LINA

"How?" Goro said, incredulous.

IZZY

"Coulda stayed ashore. Coulda -- left the Blade, like Serena wanted me to." Maybe it would've still happened to him, then, but it wouldn't've happened to them. Maybe someone could've just killed him before he killed too many other people. "Coulda offed myself 'stead of -- Eli, and Corven, when ..."

LINA

"Hey." Goro couldn't help himself. He hissed in a breath through his teeth. "Sorry. But god damn it."

IZZY

"Nn. Sorry."

LINA

Goro sighed. "Ah, Hansel. Oresi."

IZZY

He nnn'd again and cuddled Goro against him, weakly protesting, "Didn't wanna talk about it."

LINA

"I know." Goro nuzzled him. "I'm just trying to figure out if I can say nice things about you. If it'll help, if I say it enough. Or if it just hurts."

IZZY

"Dunno. Sorry," he said miserably. "M'sorry I'm fuckin' like this."

LINA

"No." Goro squeezed him harder. "No. God. I love you so much. So fucking much. I'll love you 'til the day I die, and then my soul's gonna find yours again and love you still. Yeah?"

IZZY

"Mmf. S'what Mishka says." He was quiet a second, then softly said, "Maybe it'll be better next time." Maybe then he wouldn't be an orc. Or no one would care that he was, not even Gruumsh -- and the red eye and the thunder wouldn't follow him.

LINA

"Maybe," Goro said, not really caring either way. Too far away for him to really wonder about. Too abstract. "Ain't so bad for me this time, now that I got you."

IZZY

"Mm." Hansel wanted to be happy about that. Couldn't shake the feeling that Goro could have it better, and he could have someone who'd -- make him not be afraid. He was settling for Hansel, even if he didn't know it. And he'd move on some day, or -- or he'd feel trapped because they'd gotten married too soon, before he knew better, and then he'd resent Hansel for it all, and Hansel would deserve that, he'd deserve it when Goro left him, because he'd been fucking stupid to think Goro would ever want to be with him anyway, and ...

Hansel wondered if he should say these things out loud. He didn't want do -- didn't think they'd make it through his throat. He just squeezed Goro tight instead, and all that came out was a very small, "Don't leave me."

LINA

"Never." Goro squeezed him back. "Never, ever, ever. Hey." Hansel had a serious fucking hold on him, but Goro struggled against it, getting his hands up to cup Hansel's face. "Hey. Look at me."

IZZY

Hansel did, reluctantly.

LINA

"You're so beautiful." That was beside the point, but Goro couldn't help saying it. He kissed Hansel on the forehead then looked him in the eye again. "I love you so much, Hansel, I wouldn't ever fucking leave you. If you hurt me, I'll just make you do better. Yeah? Hold you fuckin'... accountable, or whatever. 'Cause I love you that much."

IZZY

Hansel made a doubtful sound. "You sure?"

LINA

"So sure. Goro Voronin keeps his fucking word, alright? You agree with that?"

IZZY

"Aye," he said weakly, "s'just ... what if I hurt you, and -- y'think it ain't a big deal, or ... think you deserve it, or somethin'."

LINA

"Well..." Goro did think he deserved a lot of shit, a lot of the time. "When--when you've--hurt me, before. I got mad at you, yeah?"

IZZY

"Yeah," Hansel admitted. "But ... but you always forgive me, an' ..."

He trailed off there, 'cause it wasn't like he didn't want Goro to forgive him, just --

"Don't think I deserve it."

LINA

"Psh. Well. There's a lotta shit I don't think I deserve. Like you and Amari, for a start. But seems like it's not really up to me, so."

IZZY

"Yeah, but," Hansel tried again. But it was different, 'cause Goro was ... good, and he tried so hard, and people didn't treat him fairly for his whole life, and ... "Mm."

He pressed his face back into Goro's neck, hiding.

LINA

Goro kissed Hansel's hair and cradled the back of his head. "Yeah. You're okay right there, beautiful. Beautiful boy."

IZZY

Hansel whined a bit and made himself not reject the compliment. It was ... a small thing. Just a small allowance. He tried to honestly listen to it though, not just think, Ah, fuckin' Goro, don't know any better, so sweet.

He tried.

Then, though, there was a big scarred up gray tabby cat in Goro's lap, fluffy-tailed and ears back as he pushed against Goro for attention.

LINA

Goro bit back a yelp of surprise at the sudden shift. He blinked a couple times, then recovered, grinning and scooping up the cat, cuddling him to his chest, scratching his chin and kissing him between the ears.

"See? Handsome kitty boy," he crooned.

IZZY

Hansel purred -- a low rumbly sound -- because he'd noticed that when he was a cat, he couldn't really help it. Just purred, or thrashed his tail, or had all his fur stand on end. Didn't get in his own way so much. It was kind of nice.

LINA

"Real scary monster right here," Goro said, continuing to scratch his chin. "If you're a mouse."

IZZY

Hansel purred more.

LINA

"Hmm. Sweet, and cute, and fluffy. That's weird. Is something different? I swear, there was something different about my fiance a minute ago. Must've been imagining it."

IZZY

Cat Hansel headbuttted Goro, rubbing his cheek against Goro's.

LINA

"So." Goro grinned, smug, and rubbed Hansel's fur down. "I found the secret to getting to say nice stuff about you."

IZZY

Hansel gave a raspy rrow.

He'd accept it. It was a lot easier like this, for some reason.

LINA

"Yeah? Rrow?"

IZZY

"Mrow," Hansel insisted.

LINA

"Mrow," Goro agreed. He kissed Hansel's head again and made some inane little cutesy sounds.

IZZY

God, that was fucking cute.

Hansel really wanted to tell Goro how much he loved him, but he didn't think he was ready to stop being a cat yet, so he just kept rubbing his face on Goro's -- granted, he did that when he was a person, too -- and purring at full bassy volume.

LINA

"Hey, do cats like being squeezed?" Goro tried it out, slowly.

IZZY

More purring. Hansel closed his eyes happily.

LINA

"Neat." Goro held Hansel tight against his chest and kept scritching his chin.

IZZY

Hansel started kneading, claws flexing out and paws pushing into Goro, his eyes still closed.

LINA

Goro continued cuddling Hansel, kissing his little kitty head every now and then.

"Soft," he murmured. "My treasure. Love you so much." He rested the side of his face on top of Hansel, enjoying the rumbling purrs. "Mm. I know monsters, Hans. Had one--had one crammed down my throat." He squeezed his eyes shut, and saw Sam's black eyes again. He fought off a shudder. "Had it in me. In my head."

He let out a long breath and rubbed his face against the warm fur. "That ain't you. You make me feel safe. And loved."

IZZY

Hansel meowed softly. Wanted to be a person and say something comforting, but he wouldn't know what to say anyway, and -- Goro seemed to like this. Hansel liked it. He kept purring and gently digging his claws in.

LINA

Goro snickered when Hansel meowed. "Cute. That's real fuckin' cute." He nuzzled him. "Hey, can you turn into like... a lion, or some shit? Do lions purr?"

IZZY

Hansel had no idea. He'd never seen a lion. A mountain lion -- a cougar -- sure, but a lion with a mane and shit, nah. Lady'd told him he could only be animals he'd seen himself.

He didn't know if mountain lions could purr. He tried to purr as big and loud as he figured one would, though, if it did, and rrowed. He'd heard those thing roar. Little houscat couldn't really match up, but eh.

LINA

Goro snickered again. "Right, right, my bad. Already got me a big fierce lion right here. Or, uh--what's the shyshark equivalent of a cat? 'At's you."

IZZY

Hansel batted at Goro's face.

LINA

"Oh, what's a matter? You sensitive about your size, little guy?" Goro grinned and poked at the soft pads on the bottom of one of Hansel's front paws.

IZZY

He stretched his claws out with all the menace that a purring, fifteen pound animal could muster.

LINA

"Pfff. If you wanna leave claw marks in me, it oughta be in your person form, you get what I'm saying?"

IZZY

Hansel narrowed and closed his eyes at Goro.

LINA

"That's what I thought." Goro shifted Hansel in his arms and went back to scritching his chin.

IZZY

After fifteen or twenty minutes, Hansel either couldn't keep the wildshape or didn't feel like it anymore -- he wasn't sure which. Didn't matter. He'd settled down, all purring and being squeezed and cooed over. Made him feel weird when he was a man, but he supposed it felt like that was the kinda shit people were supposed to do with a cat, so that made it okay, or something.

Probably could've fallen asleep, but he'd done that to Mishka one time and then shifted back into an orc on Mishka's lap and about crushed him, so he just let himself doze for a little while and then wiggled out of Goro's arms, circling around him and rubbing against him as he went -- and, once he was behind him, let the car shape go and wrapped his arms around Goro, squeezing him nice and tight and kissing his neck.

He sighed quietly. Felt better. Calmer. He just ... needed to be smaller, sometimes. Needed to be less of what he was.

"Thanks," he murmured against Goro's neck.

LINA

Still in scritching mode, Goro reached a hand back to run his nails lightly along Hansel's scalp. "For what?"

IZZY

"Bein' here. Staying. Trying."

LINA

"Hmm. You never let me thank you for that kinda thing."

IZZY

"Pssh. Yeah, well." He kissed Goro's hair. "Maybe I'll start."

LINA

"Mmkay." Goro twisted around to kiss him back. "Then you're welcome. And thanks for always being there for me."

IZZY

"Aye. You're welcome," Hansel allowed. "Love you."

LINA

"Love you too. You feeling better?"

IZZY

"Mm." Hansel left his face planted in Goro's hair.

LINA

"Need more cheering up?" Goro pinched him in his ticklish spot.

IZZY

"Psshh." Hansel squirmed, grinning, and squeezed Goro tighter.

LINA

"Knowing you, you're probably just happy to be here with me," Goro said. "Cuddling quietly, and shit. But listen, I just spent half an hour cuddling a cat that couldn't talk back to me. I gotta converse and shit."

IZZY

He snorted. "Yeah, all right. I know." He kissed Goro's head a couple times. "Love it."

LINA

"Pff. You sure?"

IZZY

"Mmhm. So much."

LINA

"Alright. You wanna hear something embarrassing?"

IZZY

"I wanna hear anything you got to say, shemeshi."

LINA

"Pssh. Yeah?"

IZZY

"Uh-huh."

LINA

"Alright, well. The embarrassing thing is, I asked your mom for her blessing for us getting married."

IZZY

"Aw," Hansel said. "Awww. Ahuv. You ain't gotta do that." Sheepish, he added, "I ain't asked Mari ..."

LINA

"Well, I don't think you need to, 'cause she fuckin' adores you and I already know she thinks it's great. I just, y'know, I wasn't sure what Marion thought. And I wanted to be... traditional, and shit."

IZZY

"Marion thinks you're fuckin' great," Hansel said, fuckin' puzzled. "Shit, she just about fuckin' adopted you on day one."

LINA

"Ehh." Goro squirmed. "Dunno... why, but. Anyway. Yeah. Tradition."

IZZY

"Mm." Hansel squeezed him. "I dunno if I'd, y'know, put much store by tradition, an' all. Shit's sketchy." He kissed Goro's head again. "Real cute, though. Bet she teased you."

LINA

"She did. She told me she had to think about it. Jerk."

IZZY

He snorted, then hesitated. "She ... said yeah, though, right?"

LINA

"No. She said two husbands is too many. She doesn't approve."

IZZY

"You fuckin' with me?" Hansel asked suspiciously. Didn't sound like his mom. Goro was just so fuckin' good at selling shit, though.

LINA

Goro kept a straight face for a second, then broke into snickering.

IZZY

"Pfff."

LINA

"Anyway." He frowned thoughtfully. "You like some traditions. You like doing presents on Candlenight, don't you?"

IZZY

"Aye. That's ... a nice thing, though." He mulled it over, trying to work out the difference. "Y'know, s'just -- 'bout weddings, in particular -- most the traditions back home -- uh, in Shepherd Hills, I mean, anyway. When I was growin' up, shit about marriage was real ... weird. Folks got hitched as more a business. Ain't like my mom an' dad -- Elijah, I mean -- ain't like they fuckin' even liked each other, y'know? Mostly it's like that. He didn't ask for my grandad's blessing to marry her so much as went to'im with a fuckin' business offer."

Hansel shrugged. Thinking about it made him uncomfortable. His mom hadn't even had much of a choice, he knew. Usually people did -- their choices weren't so much about love, still, but it was better than what'd happened to Marion.

"Still can be a nice thought. Be about family, and all," he said. "Just ... ain't how I think about it, mostly, I guess."

LINA

Goro made a troubled mmf. He thought for a while, idly tracing shapes on Hansel's arm.

"Being a cleric is lots of traditions, kinda," he said. "Same rituals, same prayers people've been saying for centuries. And I like that. I know I'm doing it right. Don't gotta try and figure out how to please Mask from scratch, right? Can just do my duty and feel good about it. And it's kinda like--" He gestured vaguely in a circle. "Being connected with other Maskarrans. Feels... whatever the opposite of lonely is. Connected, I guess.

"Fuckin' Helmites, though? I fucking despised that shit. Insincere, and... forced. Hate it when people try and make me do shit." He stuck his tongue out at Hansel before Hansel could make a flirty remark about it.

"So, can go either way, I think. Tradition." He shrugged.

IZZY

Hansel listened, flickering a smile at the comment about people making Goro do shit. He made a thoughtful sound. Supposed he couldn't really understand, not being a cleric, or anything like that. Seemed disrespectful, somehow, to try and say that he did. Especially when he'd spent most of his life trying to scramble away from the traditions and bullshit he'd grown up with.

Some of'em were good, though. Candlenight gifts was one. He stroked Goro's hair. Anything that made Goro feel the opposite of lonely -- that was good.

"Yeah," he said, satisfied. "Yeah. I got you, kinda. Y'know, not the cleric stuff, for me, but -- there's other traditions I like. Yeah." He kissed Goro's hair. "S'good."

LINA

Goro started chewing his lip.

IZZY

Hansel patiently took Goro's wrist -- the one with the bracelet Jonn and Luci'd gotten for him -- and pulled it up by his mouth for him. He kissed Goro's hair again.

LINA

For a second, Goro didn't have the faintest clue why Hansel was holding his wrist next to his mouth. He frowned at him, confused, and then it hit him. "Oh." He frowned again. "What, a guy can't chew his lip?"

IZZY

"Maybe, if he ain't gonna bite it bloody," Hansel said. "You got somethin' on your mind, there, ahuv?"

LINA

"Pfff." Goro nibbled on the bracelet.

IZZY

Hansel jostled him gently.

LINA

"Tradition," he said, unhelpfully.

IZZY

"What about it, eh?"

LINA

"Ummm."

IZZY

"Mmm?" Hansel encouraged. "Hey. Converse."

LINA

"Pfff." Goro looked down. "It's stupid."

IZZY

"Yeah? Tell me so I can be sure."

LINA

Goro's eyes darted up to Hansel, then back down.

It was really stupid. But he didn't think he'd be able to stop feeling bad about it if he didn't say anything.

"'S just, um... the name thing."

IZZY

"Yeah?" Hansel frowned a bit, concerned.

LINA

Goro went from chewing the bracelet to just fiddling with it, tugging it like he was trying to yank it off. He looked around the room for a second, like he was hoping to find something that'd save his ass.

Then he just lost it. Curled in on himself and tugged the front of his robe up to cover his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears trying to leak out.

IZZY

"Hey, hey, hey." Hansel wrapped around him, pulling Goro into his lap properly. He pushed one hand in to loop around Goro's waist, other around going around all of him so he could give him a good squeeze.

The fuckin' name thing. He didn't get it. Was just stressing him out. There was so much of this that seemed like it bothered Goro, so many little details that Hansel would barely even think of, and it was like Goro just couldn't get away from them.

"Hey," he said again, softly, rocking a little. "S'the matter, love? Talk to me, eh?" He kissed Goro's hair. "Oresi."

LINA

"Sorry," Goro said miserably. "Didn't mean to make it a big deal."

He didn't even feel real upset, or anything. Was just like... crying 'cause he had feelings, period. A new, horrible form of crying.

IZZY

"Shh, sh. Nah." Hansel kissed him again, fiercely. "Ain't up to you what makes you feel shit."

LINA

Goro pressed against Hansel, trying to make himself feel okay. Hansel loved him no matter what. Just wanted him to be happy.

"I guess it's important to me," he said glumly. Felt like some weird kinda defeat. Caring about things fucking sucked, and he did a whole fucking lot of it.

IZZY

"A'right," Hansel said evenly. "Hey. Y'know." He kissed Goro's hair and nuzzled against him. "Y'know how much I love that? How important shit is t'you? Carin' so much. Gettin' invested in things. S'good, y'know." He said it gently, 'cause it sounded like Goro wasn't happy about it.

LINA

"Nah. Sucks." He sniffed and wiped his cheeks dry. Weren't any more tears coming, at least. For now. "S'embarrassing. And I get upset all the time."

IZZY

"Ain't bad t'have feelings, love." Hansel kept rocking him, slowly and slightly, rocking them both.

LINA

"It is," he muttered real quietly, like if he said it soft enough Hansel wouldn't argue. "'Cept for being in love, I guess. I like that one."

IZZY

"Mm," Hansel agreed, just as soft. "That one's good. Makes the others all worth it."

LINA

"Psh. I guess." Goro grinned at him, then buried his face against him.

"I guess... I guess I wanna have the same name as my husband, 'cause--" He felt himself choke up again. Motherfucker. "'Cause that's just how I want it to be." He scrabbled to get his arms around Hansel and squeezed him tight, like someone was gonna try and pull him away. "But... Voronin's important to me too, and I never got to be a fucking Voronin, and... I just... I guess I wanna be both. Goro Voronin-Bell. Can I do that?"

He'd known plenty of people with more than one last name. Wasn't sure why it felt weird when he tried it out himself. Like he was being greedy, or something. Or indecisive.

IZZY

"Aye, love," Hansel said gently. "Y'know you can do whatever you want." He squeezed Goro and kissed his hair a couple times, promising, "I'll gut anyone that tries to stop you." And in more of a whisper, he added, "Think it sounds good. Voronin-Bell. I like it."

LINA

"You sure? Doesn't feel fucking weird, me just up and stealing your name?"

IZZY

"That's ... usually what married folk do," Hansel pointed out. "Ain't stealin'. Plus, you're a thief, ain't you?" he teased.

LINA

"Pff. Yeah. Stole your heart, then I stole your name." Goro nipped at his chin. "It's better if... if you give it to me, though. D'you think?"

IZZY

"Mm." Hansel pretended to think about it. "Well, s'my mom's name, but you already got her t'sign off on it, so I s'pose I'm allowed."

He shifted to hold Goro's face, thumbs stroking Goro's cheekbones, just looking at him for a beat -- always liked just looking at him. He thought of ... what he could say, what would make Goro feel best. That was all he wanted. Wasn't important to him for Goro to have his name -- shit, it wasn't important to him that they had names at all, that they had any words, any language. Just that Goro felt good. That he was happy, and safe, and comfortable. That he had everything he wanted -- anything Hansel could give him. Being able to give him things was a fucking gift in itself.

Hansel was quiet for just a moment, and just about as quiet when he did speak. "Can I?" he asked softly. "Can I give you my name, chatichi?"

LINA

Goro smiled slow and felt himself turn red. He balled his hands into fists and hid his face behind them half-heartedly, making a sort of snickering noise.

He felt like a blushing schoolboy, or whatever the fuck. He didn't really know; he'd never been a schoolboy. But it was one of those things people said.

Hansel'd always done that to him. Made him embarrassed, but a weirdly good kind of embarrassed. The kind where he was seen, but loved. The way Hansel looked at him, the things he said to him -- he made Goro feel exposed, thrown open, but he always seemed in awe of what he saw.

It made Goro want to hide, but there was no safer place to hide than against Hansel. He shook his hands out and hunched down, pressing his face against Hansel's chest, grinning. He nodded.

IZZY

"Yeah?" Hansel grinned so hard his face hurt. He wrapped his arms around Goro. Seeing him that happy -- was still a rare thing, even though seemed like he was a lot happier than he used to be, in general. Didn't matter how common it got to be, though. Was still gonna be special. Always gonna be precious to Hansel that he could make Goro feel that good.

He had a hard time believing it, sometimes, was all. Just sometimes. Not all the time. Not now.

"You sure?" he asked, a little teasing, rocking them side to side a bit just because he always had to move, when he was pleased about something, when he was happy, excited. "You sure you want it? You gotta tell me, sweetheart."

LINA

"Psssh." Goro faked slapping at him with both hands, face not budging from its hiding spot.

IZZY

Hansel snickered -- just about more of a giggle if he was being honest with himself -- and kissed Goro's head a good half dozen times before twisting on the bed to push Goro onto his back and gently rest some weight on top of him. Kissed him a couple more times and then started stroking his hair, twining it around his fingers as he went, to pull on it just a little.

"Voronin-Bell," he murmured. "S'good. Real good."

He was glad, suddenly, that he'd decided to ditch Granger before this. No part of Elijah would ever touch his Goro. Bell sounded better any goddamn way. He sighed contentedly.

LINA

"'S got a good ring to it," Goro said, almost shyly. "Feel kinda greedy taking two names, but... well, my dad loved me, and you love me, so I guess... I guess there's no reason why I shouldn't."

IZZY

"Mmhm. No goddamn reason at all." He edged down so that he could kiss Goro's forehead, figuring Goro wouldn't need to hide against his chest with Hansel completely on top of him. Wanted to see his face again. "Ain't greedy, anyway," he gently insisted. "Ain't like you're takin' away names that somebody else could use, otherwise. Plenty a' Bell to go around."

LINA

Goro couldn't help but relax deeper with Hansel's weight on top of him. He kissed Hansel's chin and his neck.

"If we have kids," he started.

IZZY

"Mm?"

LINA

"Um. Eh. Bah."

IZZY

"Bah," Hansel teased. He scratched his beard against Goro's cheek. "Bah what?" He took a guess, though. "We have kids, I s'pose their name'll be Voronin-Bell too. Think that's how people do it. If they want, anyway," he added. "Dependin' on how we get a kid. Jonn an' Luci didn't change theirs."

LINA

"Huh. You know why not?"

IZZY

"Nah. Seemed fuckin' weird to ask an' be the one to bring it up," he admitted. "Ain't like I want'em to if they don't wanna."

LINA

"Mm." Maybe Goro would ask, since he was real curious. Luci would absolutely fucking tell him, and no dancing around it.

He rubbed his cheek against Hansel's beard. "Keep wondering if there's other Voronins out there. Gotta be, right?"

IZZY

"Mm." Hansel didn't wanna point our that -- sometimes -- families just died out. It was a possibility, but saying it aloud just seemed cruel. "Oughta ask around outside Alabaster. Now it's safe."

LINA

"Ehh." Goro cringed, even though he was the one who'd brought it up. "Could go--could go bad."

What if they don't like me, he wanted to say, but he didn't. Made him think of the Novads, and he didn't want to remind Hansel of them, too. Assuming Hansel's mind hadn't gone there already.

IZZY

"Mm," Hansel allowed. "Could." He kissed Goro's cheek. "You'd still have us, though." Kissed the other one. "Still have me." Then his forehead. "No matter how it went down."

LINA

"Mhm." Goro leaned into the kisses. He wouldn't lose anything if he met new relatives and they didn't like him, it was true. He sure didn't give a fuck about Renar Basha, or any other Bashas he didn't know about.

He wasn't sure why the Voronin side felt different, except... well, Luka had loved him, and wanted him, and that just mattered a lot more than blood alone. Goro was claiming Luka's name, and he felt pretty sure Luka would want that, but what if he met other Voronins and--what if they looked him up and down and sneered at him, thought he was a creep, thought he was bad for following Mask instead of Silvanus, thought--

God. What if they hated orcs? That was almost the worst part, imagining that they might hate Hansel.

Psh. Here Goro was, getting himself worked up over people he didn't even know existed. He bit his bracelet.

IZZY

"Mm," Hansel said again. He watched Goro biting his bracelet. Always something going on in that head, and about half the time Hansel felt like he knew just exactly what. Then a quarter of the time he felt decently sure he knew, and a quarter of the time he had no fuckin' idea.

This was one of the times he felt like he knew. Wanted to say something like, If they don't like you, fuck'em. They don't deserve you. Wanted to tell Goro how good he was, how he'd still have a family, he'd be loved and cherished. Didn't matter about blood.

He didn't think any of that was ... the point, though. Not really.

He stroked Goro's face and kissed his forehead, again. "Hey. Whatcha thinkin' about in there, eh, motek?" he prodded gently.

LINA

Goro frowned and kept gnawing on the bracelet. "I hate racists."

IZZY

"Hm. Mmhm." All right, well, fair, but Hansel wasn't sure where that'd fuckin' come from. He waited to see if Goro was gonna elaborate on it.

LINA

Goro looked Hansel in the eye, still frowning. "What if I met other Voronins, and they hated orcs? That'd be the fucking worst."

IZZY

Hansel made another thoughtful sound. "Wood elves," he pointed out. "Usually fine with orcs. Could maybe ask around, though -- uh, not you, and not Jonn, but the folks he tracked down about your dad for Morgan Wyn. See if any of'em know anything." He paused. "Could ... use that spell you used before. Talk to'im direct."

LINA

Goro took the bracelet out of his mouth, puzzled. "Uh? Talk to... Luka, again?"

IZZY

"Aye. Ask about his family, right? Folks usually go along with what their family thinks."

LINA

Goro thought about it. He wasn't sure he wanted to risk it. He didn't want to hear the voice of his father telling him orcs were dangerous, or whatever fucking crap people believed.

"He said something in one of his letters," Goro said, mind drifting from what Hansel suggested. "Had a bad dream about... about his grandpa, the guy I'm named after. And he just said, 'something about an orc.' Dunno what it means."

IZZY

"Hmm." He mulled it over. "Fuckin' vague, yeah, eh. Well ... maybe, if we found other folks, they'd know more?" He hesitated. "I mean, I don't wanna, y'know, push you." He kissed Goro's hair a couple times. "I dunno. Just think, uh. Sometimes it's better to know. Think y'feel better, when you know."

LINA

Goro put his arms around Hansel's neck and kissed his cheek. "Do, uh. Do... you feel better? Knowing?" He didn't specify what. He wasn't sure what.

IZZY

"Dunno," he admitted. He mulled that one over, too. "Always, uh ... y'know, figured somethin' bad'd happened to my mom. For me to've happened. Better knowin' it ... didn't. But." He winced. Thought about the hanging tree and the unmarked graves under it. "Still real fuckin' bad," he said softly. "Wished I didn't know, for a while. But -- you an' me are different, like that, I think. Think it'll eat you up, not knowing."

LINA

"Mm." Goro kissed his cheek again, then rested his forehead there. "Still hurts a lot for me, too. When I think about him, and... how things could've been different if he lived, and what he might've thought about Jasmilia ditching me, and... but..." He swallowed and shook his head a little. "Knowing someone loved me when I was little, it's--it's good. Makes it worth it, I think, yeah."

Someone had held him, and cherished him, when he was tiny and helpless. Even if he had no way to remember it, it felt like a blessing, somehow. A promise, at the start of his life, that things would turn out okay.

He rearranged his arms around Hansel, almost frantically, to hold him tighter. "'M glad we got each other."

IZZY

"Mmhm." Hansel wrapped around him, making fists in his robes, always trying to hold onto Goro as tight as Goro was holding onto him. Always felt like -- he was too clingy, asked for too much, held on too hard, and he didn't want Goro to ever feel like that. Wanted him to know, on that deep, physical level, that no matter how much he needed or wanted Hansel, Hansel would come right back with the same amount of want.

He envied it, sometimes, Goro knowing that his dad had wanted him. Loved him. Yehuda had died because of Hansel. Naomi Novad traded down. Got a pirate and a mercenary instead of her sweet, soft-spoken son. That was all Hansel got to know about his folks.

"Yeah," he said quietly. "Me too. Real glad."

LINA

"Um," Goro said after a minute, still clutching tight. "The stuff with... with Naomi. You never really talked about it after. You... okay?"

IZZY

"Nah," Hansel said, muffled.

LINA

"Oh." Goro kissed the side of his head a bunch of times. "You, um. You wanna talk about it? I wanna help."

IZZY

He made an uneasy sound. Talking to Goro wasn't gonna make Naomi ... love him, or whatever the fuck it was that he thought he wanted from her. "Dunno," he mumbled. "Just gonna make me feel like shit t'talk about it. No helpin' to be done."

LINA

"Mm." Goro loosened his hold enough to run his hands up and down Hansel's back. "Amari says... she says I gotta deal with things by talking about 'em, but you need quiet to work through stuff. We're different. So, I been trying to remember that, and not make you talk." He paused a moment. "But sometimes I wonder if you ain't working through everything. Just ignoring it."

IZZY

Hansel made an ehhh sound.

LINA

Goro kissed the side of his head again and kept rubbing his back.

IZZY

Hansel was quiet a moment. Didn't feel like he wanted to say anything else about it. But ... he felt like Goro was waiting, and ... trying. Goro was trying, so he needed to. He'd promised.

"Amari say anything else?" he asked. She was good like that. Smart as fuck.

LINA

"She says all kindsa shit," Goro said, unhelpfully.

IZZY

"Yeah, but ... 'bout dealin' with shit, an' all. I guess."

LINA

"Hmm. Well." Goro thought for a while. Amari had said a lot about him dealing with shit over the years, for sure. He tried to think if any of it was gonna be helpful to Hansel. Which bits of Amari-wisdom were more about people in general, and less about Goro in particular.

"She always says healing emotional shit's real different from physical. Physical wounds, if you don't do anything to 'em, they'll either fester and kill you, or they'll heal up on their own eventually. But emotional wounds, they don't do either. If you ignore them, they don't go away. You gotta treat them if you want 'em to get better."

IZZY

Hansel grumbled unhappily. Couldn't argue, though.

"One time," he said, "I got whacked by this arrow, in the arm. And I was real stubborn 'bout gettin' it healed, 'cause I was pissed at Serena, 'cause that was when she hated me. Got all infected, and ..." He searched for the word. "Abscessed. Like a bubble of pus and junk, under the skin, y'know?" he added, in case he'd gotten the wrong word. Goro'd know, being a medic and all. "And I got sick, and Eli and Serena had to lance it and drain it and all that shit, make sure it was clean 'fore Serena healed it up. And Eli said -- once Sera left -- said, That's what you're fuckin' doing, y'know. Not talking about your dad. Lettin' it get infected. Your dumb ass is gonna get sick."

He paused. He knew this shit. He did. It was just ... it was so fucking hard without her. He kept thinking that.

"Fuckin' hurts, though," he said quietly. "The lancing part."

LINA

"Man. Eli sounds like she was real smart."

IZZY

"Yeah." He was quiet a moment. "Yeah."

LINA

Goro kept rubbing Hansel's back, thinking. "What d'you think she'd say about... the whole Naomi thing?"

Mentioning them in the same sentence -- Elitash and Naomi -- made Goro kind of get for the first time just what Eli must've been to Hansel. A mentor, obviously, and kind of an Amari, but more than that, she'd been an older half-orc. Exactly the kind of person he hadn't grown up with, and needed. Looking at it that way, he didn't fucking need Naomi at all, 'cept that the universe had the fucking gall to keep Naomi alive while Eli was dead. Fucking bullshit.

IZZY

Hansel knew part of the answer straight away. "She'd say, Fuck'er. Say, Y'don't fuckin' need her. You got us." He snorted a bit, realizing that was where he'd gotten it from.

Was more than that, though. Elitash'd look at him all keen-eyed while she sharpened her boning knife. She'd know he needed to hear more than that.

He grumbled again, miserable. "Dunno. She'd ... have more, but I dunno what." Still needed her. Wasn't fuckin' right, what'd happened. What he'd done to her.

LINA

"She was... wise," Goro said, amending his earlier statement. Was different from being smart. "Some people just got that shit."

IZZY

"Yeah," he said quietly. "Really wanted t'be like her."

He was going to be, too. Back knotting and twisting. Not able to heft up his trident anymore. Most he could do then was try to be clever and help people out, learn how to talk better, how to talk'em through things. Eli got to where she couldn't wrestle him down anymore, 'cause her bones ached and ground together, and it was just good she'd spent enough time on him that she didn't have to by then.

He was going to be like Eli, and get too weak and feeble to hoist Mishka up and spin him around, and squeeze Goro real tight, like he needed. Was only gonna be a few more years. Sometimes he thought he could feel it already, creeping into his back, and ...

Valkur -- wasn't even what he was supposed to be fucking thinking about. Wasn't gonna matter anyway. Mishka was gonna fix it. Split his time with Hansel. Was gonna be fine. Hansel shook it off.

LINA

"I'm sorry you lost her," Goro said quietly. He tried to imagine what kind of person he'd be if he'd lost Amari two years ago. She'd still have left her mark on him, for sure--he was no doubt a better person than if he'd never met her--but he'd feel so lost and confused. Adrift. Everything would be harder.

He gave Hansel another kiss, not sure what else to do.

IZZY

"Didn't lose her," Hansel mumbled. "Ain't like ... an earring that just came loose one day, got lost in a bar, or in the sea, or somethin'. Didn't lose her," he said again, all reluctant, all hesitant, just -- wanting Goro to argue with him. "Killed her. Fuckin' murdered her."

Still had the same axes. Same ones that'd killed Eli and Corven, same ones that'd killed the rest of his crew before he stopped and just used his hands and his teeth. He couldn't get rid of them, not while their blood was still staining the handles. Was all that was left of them.

LINA

"Hansel." Goro squeezed him tight and kissed the side of his head fiercely a few times. "Ahuv. My love. She made you, didn't she? She'd've done it herself otherwise. You lost her. You lost her and it fucking sucks and it's tragic and no one can make it better, but it's not your fault."

IZZY

He ehhh'd. It was fucking hard to accept. He wanted to argue more, but he was so fucking worried -- so fucking scared, even though Goro'd never given him any reason to be -- that he'd just be told, Yeah, no, you're right. That's true. It's your fault. You're a monster.

"Could've been me," he said, still reluctant. "Could've done it myself. Didn't have to kill her."

LINA

Goro held him tighter. "No, I guess you fuckin' didn't. But I wouldn't be holding you right now if you'd done yourself in. I'd still be alone. Call me selfish, I guess. I don't care. I want my Hansel." His voice was strained, almost breaking on the last part.

IZZY

"I know," Hansel said miserably. He squeezed Goro back. "I know. M' sorry. Just ... s'just hard." He buried his face in Goro's hair. "Miss her."

LINA

"I know, ahuv. I know. You don't gotta be sorry for anything. I love you." Hansel's face was out of reach for kissing, so Goro just ran his fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp, the way he liked Hansel doing to him.

IZZY

Hansel nestled against him, closing his eyes. He sighed and was quiet for a bit, then muttered, "See. Just fuckin' upsetting. Don't wanna talk about it."

Your dumb ass is gonna get sick, motek.

He hadn't wanted to talk to her about shit, either.

LINA

"Didn't wanna get your abscess drained, either." Goro had to kiss something, so he just went for Hansel's shoulder, since it was right there.

IZZY

"Yeah," he grumbled.

LINA

Goro started chewing the inside of his cheek, and just hoped Hansel wouldn't notice, since he didn't wanna stop hugging him to get the bracelet.

"I keep wanting to..." He squirmed. "Talk about Luka. Only there's nothing much to say. But I wanna... keep talking about him anyway. 'S like it makes him more real, you know? There might not be anyone else talking about him. Thinking about him. So I want to." His voice was straining again, and he swallowed. "Who's talking about Eli, if you don't? About all your crew?"

IZZY

"Yeah," Hansel said again. Mishka, and Kheman, but ... they didn't, really. All too traumatic for Kheman. Mishka, he figured, was shutting it all out, same as him. They didn't talking about it. Didn't talk about -- them. Any of them.

"I saw --." He faltered. "Saw Serena. When I was -- dead, y'know. Didn't see Selune, like you saw Mask, but I saw Sera, and -- she said, y'know, Corven's with Mask, and Hunter came back, 'cause she wanted to be in the world again, but -- she said Ilneval has Eli." His voice broke a little. "S'what she always wanted. Ilneval's great war. But -- fuckin' Gruumsh, and ... knowin' about that afterlife, just ..." He wrapped around Goro tighter, gripping his robes hard, again. "Just need her t'be okay. Wanna talk to her, again. 'Cause I need her, but -- I need her to be okay."

LINA

"I'll go get her," Goro said, without really stopping to think about it.

IZZY

Hansel choked on a laugh."Y ... Y'fuckin' can't, ahuv. How?"

LINA

Goro frowned, thinking. "Um. I dunno. I'll ask Mask."

IZZY

"M'kay." Hansel didn't argue. He wouldn't even know how to.

And he didn't want to. Just ... let himself have a moment to believe that Goro could do it, that he would do it. Let himself have a moment to replay in his head how fast Goro'd said I'll go get her. Not even pausing. Didn't matter how -- just that certainty he'd make it happen.

Hansel sniffled. That was good.

"She'd fuckin' love you, y'know," he said quietly. He knew he'd said it before, but it was ... it was important to him. He'd keep saying it. "She'd fuckin' muss up your hair and tease you and shit, and soon as you were gone she'd hug me and say -- say she was happy for me. Say how good y'were for me." He sniffled again and laughed a little. "She'd tell me not to fuck up a good thing."

LINA

"Psh." Goro felt himself turning a little warm at the thought. Stupid. "Well. Yeah. Don't fuck up a good thing, eh?"

IZZY

"Yeah," Hansel said softly, into Goro's hair. "Tryin' not to."

LINA

Goro poked gently at Hansel's ticklish spot. Not really tickling him, just threatening it. "You're doing real good. I love you more every day, y'know."

IZZY

"Psshh." Hansel tried, a little, to hide how pleased that made him. A little. Goro could fuckin' read him like a book.

LINA

Goro grinned. He put his arms around Hansel's neck to hold him in place, and kissed him all over his cheeks and forehead. "Hey."

IZZY

Hansel grumbled and psshh'd some more, not able to hold the grin back.

LINA

"You're so good. I love you so much. My beautiful boy."

IZZY

"Pffft. Beautiful." He still remembered that word -- that one word he knew in Infernal. "Areumdawo," he mumbled, embarrassed, he guessed, that it ... meant something to him. That he remembered. Maybe he just had a good ear for languages.

LINA

Goro grinned even bigger. "You remembered." He kissed Hansel's forehead again. "I gotta learn how to say beautiful in every language so I can call you every one."

IZZY

"Pffft," Hansel said again, then -- kinda shyly, feeling like he was a fuckin' kid, or some shit, asked, "Tell me in Celestial, then."

LINA

"Sundara," Goro said, and it came out feeling like a prayer, 'cause that was almost the only way he used Celestial. Hansel deserved it. Goro gave him a few more kisses.

IZZY

Hansel gave another soft pff and repeated it to himself, quietly. "Sundara."

LINA

"Krasivaya," Goro said, even though Hansel knew that one. "Chatich."

IZZY

"Sheyn," Hansel murmured. Dwarvish -- the only language he had over Goro. He kissed Goro's hair a couple times.

LINA

"That how you say it in Dwarvish?"

IZZY

"Mmhm."

LINA

"Is it really? Call me that, so I know for sure." Goro smiled and kissed his chin.

IZZY

He grinned a bit and nuzzled into Goro's hair, crooning, "Sheyn eyngl." Handsome boy.

LINA

"Sheyn-eyn--ul," Goro said, attempting to imitate him. "Dunno if I got it."

IZZY

"S'pretty good. First try."

LINA

"Psssh, sure. That's what the guys who taught me Orcish said when I first tried to speak it. But they were all trying not to laugh."

IZZY

"Well, you speak it real good now," Hansel teased. "You were better'n I was when I first tried learnin', I bet."

LINA

"Yeah, whatever." Goro nipped at Hansel's chin, catching a beard hair in his teeth. Then he kissed the spot to make up for it. "Lessee. I can learn it in Draconic from Mishka. Ombre knows Sylvan. Roddy knows Aquan. So, that'll be--" He counted on his fingers. "Eight languages I can call you beautiful in. Hmm. Need more. I bet Morgan knows some weird shit. The fuck-ever language hydras speak. Oh!" He wiggled under Hansel until he'd regained some shoulder mobility, and signed beautiful in Nighthand, passing his hand down his face. He smiled. "Nine languages."

IZZY

Hansel gestured to Goro and signed it back at him. "Luci knows all kindsa languages. Might could pick one up from her." Then, teasing -- kinda careful, in case it was weird -- "Bet fuckin' Sam knows some weird shit, too. You gotta type, y'know."

Outside of Hansel, anyway. He could never quite get that to make sense in his head.

LINA

"Ooh. Yeah. He knows motherfuckin' Abyssal. I was thinking of asking if he'd teach me. Or if Aziz might just... give it to me, I dunno." Goro looked distant and dreamy for a moment, then he blinked. "What do you mean, I got a type?"

IZZY

"Dunno. Smart folk. Weird ones. Shady ones."

Mishka, Morgan Wyn. Liked Larkin well before he knew they were cousins. Got along real well with Luci. Shit, Jonn, too. Hansel supposed it wasn't a given -- Goro liked Amari, obviously, and she wasn't shady or weird, just smart.

He shrugged, and covered up that little tickle of doubt and confusion and ... fuckin' inadequacy by nudging Goro with a grin. "Gettin' all cuddly with the warlock and dreamy-eyed over his demon."

LINA

"Pfff. What, you worried you're not weird and shady enough to keep up?"

IZZY

"Pfff. Pirate that gets fuckin' possessed by a war god now and then. Think I got weird 'n shady covered."

LINA

Goro snorted. "Yeah, whatever. You're my big old teddy bear." He nuzzled him.

IZZY

"Mm. Mmhm. 'Kay." Hansel nuzzled him back and chomped on his shoulder lightly. He rolled onto his back with an uff, just needing to change positions around, pulling Goro along on top of him. Lazily, he said, "If I didn't think it'd break the bed, I'd wildshape into a bear and show you. Psshh, teddy bear."

LINA

"Oof." Goro clenched his teeth a little. "That, uh. Yeah. Dunno if... alright, I think that might scare the shit outta me. But maybe it'd be cool." He frowned.

IZZY

Hansel frowned a little and ran his hand through Goro's hair. "Y'know I wouldn't hurt you. Still be me."

LINA

"Yeah, yeah, nah, for sure. Just, uh." Goro laughed nervously. "Bears, you know? How do they work, and shit."

IZZY

Hansel gave him a completely puzzled fucking look and kept petting his hair. "Wouldn't be a bear, though," he said slowly. "It'd be me." He tried to make it sound appealing -- not having any intention of doing it, ever, if it made Goro ... afraid? Just uncomfortable? -- but feeling it out. "Just all big and furry." He tilted his chin up to rub his beard on Goro's face. "Warm. Heavy. Y'wouldn't even notice the difference, I bet, eh?"

LINA

"Um. Yeah. Yeah. Alright, let's try it. Uh, you said it'd break the bed, though... you really think?"

IZZY

"Bears're pretty fuckin' heavy," Hansel said. "Uh. I could ... try somethin' smaller? Lissen, I ain't tryin' to talk you into nothin'."

LINA

"Hm. Hm. Uh." Goro scrubbed a hand through his hair, thinking about it. "Try--try a mountain lion. You seen those, right?"

IZZY

Hansel nodded. "You, uh. Sure?"

LINA

Goro nodded eagerly. "Yeah. Do it."

IZZY

"A'right," Hansel said doubtfully. This felt like one of those times Goro maybe didn't know what was best for himself, but on the other hand, wasn't like Hansel was gonna hurt him. Seemed like a safe time for Goro to maybe get spooked and upset, if it was gonna happen at all.

He shifted Goro off him and rolled to the side, stretched all his muscles out -- relaxed again as a big scarred-up cougar, sprawled on its side just like a house cat, blinking at Goro sedately.

LINA

Goro tensed up, heart racing as soon as Hansel shifted. He held very still, watching the cat anxiously. This was fucking weird.

IZZY

The cougar purred, a low, breathy, rumbly sound. It closed its eyes at Goro.

LINA

Goro flinched, startled, at the purring. Neat.

He reached out a hand tentatively and scratched the cougar between the ears. Was just Hansel. It was fine.

IZZY

More purring.

LINA

Goro slid his hand down the back of the cougar's neck and rested it on his ribcage, feeling the vibrations. He felt it all the way up to his shoulder. "Goddamn."

Moving slow, he stretched out and lay on his back. He patted his chest and grinned at Hansel. "Hey. Can you like... get on me? Wanna see how heavy you are."

IZZY

The cat chuffed, then wiggled closer over to Goro and crawled on top of him, face to face. It was a little lighter than Hansel was in his normal form, but rumbling with purrs.

LINA

Goro relaxed, grinning at the ceiling. Fuckin' neat. He was vibrating all over now.

IZZY

Hansel rubbed his cat face on Goro's person face.

LINA

Goro snickered and rubbed back. He kissed the bridge of Hansel's nose. Then he carefully took one of Hansel's front paws, holding it up a little so he could examine the claws. "Goddamn. Look at these things."

IZZY

Hansel stretched them out, carefully, still purring loudly.

LINA

"Yeesh." The purring was relaxing, but Goro was getting a little nervous again, anyway. "Uh, can you be Hansel again? Regular Hansel."

IZZY

Just that fast, he was Hansel again -- heavier, and not purring, but immediately lacing the fingers that'd been claws between Goro's fingers, and kissing his forehead. "Hope you don't change your mind, 'cause I can't do it again, today," he said, teasing a little.

LINA

"Mm." Goro shook his head and pressed his face into the crook of Hansel's neck. "Best Hansel."

IZZY

Hansel smiled a bit. He nuzzled into Goro's hair and kissed him a couple more times. A little hesitant, he asked, "You, uh ... just not used to big animals, and such, I guess? Freaks you out a li'l?"

LINA

Goro nodded.

IZZY

"S'okay." He considered that. "Never realized that. Growin' up around farm animals, hunting and the like, I mean."

LINA

"Psh." Goro's face turned warm. "I mean, it's not a big deal. I'm not scared, or whatever."

IZZY

"I know."

LINA

Goro lifted his head from its hiding spot and grinned at Hansel sheepishly. "This really is the best Hansel, though."

IZZY

"Hmm." Hansel stroked his face. "Dunno. Seems like you sure liked the purring."

LINA

"Yeah. Yeah, that was cool." Goro grinned wider. "Might be nice every now and then."

IZZY

Hansel winked at him. "I'll keep it in mind, then."

LINA

Goro kissed him and nuzzled his cheek. "Mmm. Best Hansel. A real good Hansel."

IZZY

"Psshh. Like you know any others."

LINA

"Best person, then."

IZZY

Hansel gave him another pssshh.

LINA

"It's true." Goro put his arms around him and squeezed.

IZZY

"Yeah, all right," Hansel allowed. Wasn't gonna do any good arguing, anyway. He rolled onto his back again, with Goro on top of him. "How 'bout Mari, huh?"

LINA

"She's second place. 'Cause she's not sexy."

IZZY

Hansel snorted and started laughing. "All right, all right."

LINA

Goro smiled. He scooted down a little so he could rest his chin on Hansel's chest. "Hey, uh. I wanted to say."

IZZY

"Mmhm?" He started playing with Goro's hair, twining it around the fingers on one hand and tugging on it gently, then switching to both hands to he could start weaving tiny braids. It was just long enough, now.

LINA

"The thing you said about... y'know. Getting the abscess lanced, and how it hurt." Sounded funny to refer back to that metaphor now. Medical shit. Eh, why not. "I just wanted to say, uh, I know it hurts, but... y'know, you don't gotta do it alone. Anytime you wanna talk about stuff, I'll be there. I'll hold you through it. Just like you always done for me. Makes it a little easier, right?"

IZZY

Hansel winced. He kept playing with Goro's hair, and he didn't say anything, for a bit.

He wasn't sure if it did make it easier. Maybe it did, in the moment -- maybe it felt better to cry on someone's shoulder instead of keeled over a bar, or in a gutter, drunk as shit. But -- but he he had to fuckin' keep on existing, and being with that person. Had to wake up the next day and see'em again. And know that they knew -- they knew what a fucking disaster he was, and what a monster he was. They knew some awful fucking thing about him, some painful shit he didn't even want to look at himself, much less have anyone else look at.

And then they could hurt him. They could leave. Or they could die, and take that piece of him with them, but -- but it a way that just made it fucking worse, like ripping off a scab.

He kept playing with Goro's hair, separating a bit out into three strands, weaving them together. Always liked braiding. He'd done it for Mishka, and Eli, and Jonn. Luci when she was little, before she got so scared of him that she didn't wanna see him at all. He kinda thought he remembered braiding his mom's hair, when he was little, or ... maybe he just remembered playing with it, back when it was all black, like his used to be, too. It was soothing. Orderly. Came to a natural end.

Hansel watched what he was doing instead of looking Goro in the face. "But," he said, having a hard time putting it into words -- one that'd make sense. "Y'know, if -- I do, then ..." Then you won't want me, he thought, 'cause you'll realize I'm fucking weak. Or, Then what if you change, and you use it to hurt me, and it happens again. Or ... "Then what if you ... feel different about me," he managed, slowly. "And ..."

LINA

Goro let out a quiet aw and cupped Hansel's face in his hands. He leaned in to kiss him--felt his hair pull free of Hansel's fingers--and kissed him over and over again, all over his face.

"Like how?" he said softly, between kisses. "What're you scared of, beautiful?"

IZZY

"You leaving me," Hansel mumbled, looking away, ashamed about saying it, somehow. "Not -- 'cause of you. 'Cause of me."

LINA

Goro scooted up so he wouldn't have to crane his neck to keep kissing Hansel. He stopped anyway, though, just resting his lips on Hansel's cheek, breathing him in. He slipped his arms behind Hansel's neck. "'S'okay," he whispered. "I ain't leaving. Not ever. Not for anything."

IZZY

"But if you should," Hansel insisted. He gave up on braiding and just curled his fingers into Goro's hair, holding onto him.

LINA

"Why should I?"

IZZY

"I dunno." Monster, he thought, but Goro wouldn't take that.

LINA

"'Cause you think you're gonna hurt me," Goro guessed.

IZZY

He sort of shrugged, sort of nodded.

LINA

"Nuh-uh, though. 'Cause remember? Said I loved you enough to make you do better. You won't hurt me on purpose, right?"

IZZY

"Nn." He knew he wasn't gonna be able to make it make sense. "What if it ain't -- something I do. Not that ... I hurt you. Not that I do somethin' bad. Just that ... I am bad."

LINA

Goro made a pfff against Hansel's cheek. "Impossible. You can't be bad. You're so good. Greatest person there is, remember?"

IZZY

"I'm not," Hansel said quietly. "I'm not."

LINA

"To me you are," Goro said, just as quietly.

IZZY

"You -- you gotta know I'm fucking not, though," Hansel insisted, kind of helplessly.

LINA

"What, like, according to the world's objective ranking of who's the best? Where do I go to find that list, again?" Goro kissed his cheek.

IZZY

Hansel just made a miserable sound.

LINA

"You're so good, Hansel," Goro whispered insistently, kissing his cheek some more. "'S'okay if you don't know it. If you don't feel it. I feel it. Right in my gut. Never led me wrong."

IZZY

He wanted to ask, What if it does? but -- Goro would probably just say, Nah, impossible.

So he didn't say anything. He worked his knuckles loose and went back to petting Goro's hair, frowning.

LINA

"And I sure as hell would never leave you just 'cause you had to hold my hand when you were hurting. What the hell kinda fiance--husband--would I be if I was like that, huh? I'm not gonna change how I think about you if you tell me painful stuff. Maybe I'll love you more. Hurt with you. But that's all."

IZZY

Hansel gave another unhappy grumble. "Don't want you to hurt with me," he tried. "Don't wanna hurt you."

LINA

"Kinda how it works, though, ain't it? When you love someone."

IZZY

"Don't wanna be a fuckin' burden," he mumbled.

LINA

"You're not. I promise." Goro tightened his arms and snuggled closer. "Opposite. You make everything easier for me. Lighter."

IZZY

"'Cause I'm tryin'," Hansel insisted. "What if I can't try?"

LINA

"No. No. Not 'cause you're trying. Just 'cause of who you are. Just 'cause of how much I love you, and how much you love me."

IZZY

Hansel groaned and squeezed Goro tight, hiding his face in the crook of Goro's neck.

LINA

"You're okay," Goro said softly. He started petting Hansel's hair. "You're okay. I got you."

IZZY

Hansel sniffled.

He wanted to make Goro understand -- understand that who he was wasn't good. That he was a monster. Awful. Destructive. Stupid. It was only that he was trying so hard, and Goro just didn't see it, but some day he would, 'cause some day Hansel would slip. He wouldn't be able to try so hard. He'd go back to being who he used to be. Already half fuckin' way there, without Eli to keep him in line, now. He wanted to say that it was too hard without her, that he couldn't keep himself together forever, and -- and it wasn't Goro's fucking job. That he should be able to it himself, anyway. Grown ass man sniffling into someone's neck. Fucking pathetic.

But if he said all that -- if he actually managed to make it into words, make it come up his throat, spill out his mouth -- then either Goro would argue with him, and just say he was wrong, and say Goro knew better -- that his gut told him so -- or else Goro would leave him. And he was too selfish to risk that. He was too needy to actually do the right fucking thing and show Goro who he was -- too desperate to hold onto him for as long as he could, and act like it was deserved.

He told himself that as long as he wasn't making things worse -- as long as he was trying, as long as Goro loved him, and long as Goro held onto him, as long as Goro was happy -- then it was okay.

There was just this feeling, and it was like diving in the warm, sun-pierced ocean and all at once, realizing there was a deep vast blackness underneath him, cold and pulling -- this feeling that it was going to go wrong. He was going to fuck up. He'd lose his breath and he wouldn't be able to surface, and he'd just fall into that icy pit, and he'd pull Goro with him. Sure as the tide.

Hansel just held onto Goro and felt fucking pathetic for it, hiding, squeezing his eyes shut.

LINA

Goro bit his lip, feeling kinda fucking guilty for all this. If he'd just left well enough alone. He was pretty sure he was right, though, that it wasn't doing Hansel any favors to just avoid talking about or thinking about shit.

Goro wasn't sure what to do in this moment, though. What he could do to make it better. He kept holding Hansel tight and petting his hair, murmuring occasionally about how he loved him and had a good hold on him.

Holding him through the lancing, he guessed.

IZZY

Hansel managed to not cry. Wasn't anything to cry over, he told himself sternly -- wasn't anything different. Kept his shit together, breathed the way Mishka would remind him to until it was coming steadier. Snuffled a bit and turned his head, blinking away the stubborn tears that'd pooled anyway. His throat felt tight.

"I'm trying," he mumbled, hoarse. "I know it don't seem like I am, but -- but I am."

LINA

"Oh," Goro said, caught a little unawares. Just hadn't expected that to be what Hansel said. Goro kissed his temple. "I know you are. I didn't mean--" Might not be worth the trouble of explaining. "You're afraid things'll get bad if you stop trying?"

IZZY

He nodded.

LINA

"And maybe it'll get too hard, and you won't be able to try anymore?"

IZZY

He nodded again and sniffled, feeling queasy.

LINA

Goro kissed his hair, and bit his lip again, trying to think if he had anything more helpful to say than I'd still love you then. It was true, but he didn't know if Hansel would believe it.

"You trying right now? Right this second?"

IZZY

Hansel made an uncertain nnn sound. Not enough. Wasn't trying hard enough, or they wouldn't be fuckin' talking about it.

LINA

"That a no?" Goro held him tighter and kissed him again. "Looky here. Still got me. I'm still here, loving you."

IZZY

Hansel whined. He wished he could wildshape again. Not have to talk. Not have to be a person. "Why, though."

LINA

"'Cause you're still my Hansel. Still the guy I love." Another kiss on his temple. "I love how hard you try, ahuv. But it ain't why I love you. You get to take breaks sometimes, yeah?"

IZZY

He sniffled again and shook his head. "Nn. Don't get to take breaks."

LINA

"I get to take breaks," Goro said. Didn't put it as a question, since he wasn't trying to lure Hansel into anything. Just saying how it was. "You let me do that. I try hard all fucking day, and sometimes I'm real upset about it, and you hold me real tight and tell me it's okay. Tell me I don't gotta do anything. I get to just be. Just feel how you love me."

IZZY

"S'different," Hansel insisted, but it came out pathetic. "You ain't like me. You're ... good. Just -- just good. Even when you ain't tryin'."

LINA

"More like you just love me even when I ain't trying. You know I'm a fucking murderer and shit, right?"

IZZY

Hansel laughed hollowly. "Murderer. Aye. Y'know what I fuckin' am, don't you?"

LINA

"Same damn thing?"

IZZY

"Pirate," he said. "Spent years killin' folk -- innocent folk, just out makin' their livin' -- did it without even thinkin'. No mercy. Not once. Didn't matter if they begged. And when I wasn't doin' that, was fuckin' shit up in ports, in bars, causin' fights and stealin'. An' I still fuckin' do it. Do it in Glimmerton. Just -- fuckin' get drunk and get bored and go out and cause fuckin' trouble for regular folk. S'just 'cause I can. 'Cause I ain't got shit else t'do an' it's what I'm used to. 'Cause --." His voice didn't quite break, just stopped -- his throat closing up around the words. He forced the last bit out, feeling cold and tense all over. "'Cause everyone was fuckin' right about me, back home. Everyone that looked at me and spat and said I was a monster, they were all fuckin' right."

LINA

Goro nibbled on the inside of his cheek, petting Hansel's hair.

There were a lot of fucking things he could say. He could offer up a summary of all the shitty, selfish, violent things he'd done in his life. He could talk about all the ways Hansel was sweet, gentle, full of love. He could point out how the real monsters were those fucks in Shepherd Hills who'd murdered his dad and made an innocent boy's life a living hell growing up.

He didn't know if Hansel wanted to listen to it. Or if he was in a place he could even really hear it.

"Alright," Goro said. "Well. Guess what?"

IZZY

Hansel managed a half-strangled sound of acknowledgement. His throat was tight and his jaw was clenched. He wanted to close his eyes and just not fucking be, not have to exist, much less right now, in this moment.

LINA

"I still love you, and I still got you." Goro kissed him gently. "You don't gotta do it alone. I'm here. Nowhere I'd rather be."

IZZY

Hansel whined again. He squeezed Goro hard, and -- despite his best efforts -- started crying anyway, still trying to fight it off but failing.

LINA

"I love you." Goro squeezed him back. "I love you. I love you so much, beautiful. I got you." He swallowed, blinking. Didn't wanna cry. Didn't want Hansel to think he was dragging Goro down with him, or whatever.

IZZY

Hansel managed to get out, "Love you," and "M'sorry," between faltering breaths.

He shouldn't be crying. Knew he shouldn't. He was just -- so fucking mixed up, sometimes, not knowing what he was supposed to do or feel, and it was fucking overwhelming. Always used to just drink about it. Eli used to tell him off for that, but -- he'd started doing it again, when he didn't know what else to do. Was easier that way. Keeled over a bar, passed out. Alone.

And he kind of felt that way now -- overwhelmed, crashed into, his legs dragged out from under him in the riptide. But more than that, the really overwhelming thing washing him over, was a sense of relief.

LINA

"Don't gotta be sorry," Goro whispered, and kissed his hair. Probably wouldn't help. Goro never took it to heart when Hansel told him he didn't have to be sorry. But still. "Mm. My beautiful boy. I got you."

IZZY

He nodded a little and cuddled against Goro fiercely.

LINA

"Can't wait 'til we get married," Goro murmured into his hair. "Can't wait 'til you're my beautiful husband. God."

IZZY

Hansel mmph'd. "You sure?" he asked weakly.

LINA

"You fucking kidding me? Getting to hear you call me ishi, and--" A shiver went down his back that made him squirm. "God. Fucking gives me shivers, it's so good. Goddamn. How'd I get this lucky?" He kicked his feet, like he was trying to get the rest of the shivers out.

IZZY

Hansel sniffled. He was past the worst of it, now. Just felt sort of drained, but -- not in the hollow way he did after a night of drinking, and feeling sorry for himself, and waking up alone. Exhausted, but --

All right. Kind of secure. Held in place. He didn't feel that way often.

"Y'could do better," he dared.

LINA

"Better than the best person in the world? Nah."

IZZY

"You gotta stop sayin' that," Hansel said weakly. "Fuckin' freaks me out."

LINA

"Aw," Goro said. "Sorry. How about... how about my favorite person in the world?"

IZZY

He sniffled. "M'kay."

LINA

Goro snuggled him. "Now. Why the hell would I wanna marry anyone but my favorite person?"

IZZY

He managed a little psshh and allowed, "Yeah, a'right. S'pose."

LINA

"Oh, good. For a second I thought you might call off the wedding." Goro grinned and smooched him.

IZZY

"Psshhh."

LINA

"Feel a little better, love? It's okay if not."

IZZY

Hansel nodded. He felt the urge to apologize, again, but didn't.

LINA

"We oughta talk about--something good. Something happy." He paused, considering. "Or... no talking. Whatever you want."

IZZY

"Don't feel like talkin'," Hansel admitted. He shifted to get more comfortable, wrap his arms around Goro more securely. "Just wanna listen. You talk?"

LINA

"Hmm. Yeah. 'Bout what?"

IZZY

"Dunno. Anything. Just like t'listen to you."

LINA

"Mm." Goro shifted around, getting cozy in Hansel's arms. He left one hand free so he could stroke his fingers along Hansel's wrist. "Was thinking about where we should have our wedding. I can't really figure it out. I thought a beach might be nice, and then I thought, nah, that might make you too nervous, but then I thought, well, you and Mishka had your vow renewal on a beach, so can't be that bad, right? But maybe it'd be better to do it at the castle. On the lakeshore. Or in a pretty grove, or something. I dunno." His stomach flip-flopped. "Ah. S'weird. Feels like--feels like I'm just playing pretend. Just daydreaming."

IZZY

"Daydreamin's good," Hansel said softly. Felt like he should say something that was more to the point, about where they should have the ceremony, and all, but he said, "Daydream about marryin' you all the time."

LINA

"Psssh." Goro squirmed. "The wedding? Or just being married?"

IZZY

"Both."

LINA

"Psssh. Weird. Fuckin' weird. Someone daydreaming about marrying me. That's not real." He snickered. "That can't be something that really happens."

IZZY

Hansel gave a gentle pfff. He nuzzled against Goro, weary but wanting him, eyes closed. "Sure is."

LINA

"Shit. I got you talking. Was supposed to just be me. Uh. Trying to think of something I know more about than you, so you won't have to chime in. Um. Like. Liturgy."

IZZY

"S'what now?"

LINA

"The rites that you do in church."

IZZY

"Mm. Ain't ever been to any kinda church," Hansel agreed. "Don't know shit."

LINA

"Wait. Never?"

IZZY

"Mean. Been inside'em. Not for ... services or what have you, though."

LINA

"Oh. Huh. Well. We're talking Helmite shit, you're not missing out. Boring as hell. Listening to some old man or some old lady drone on and on and on and on about duty and responsibility and protecting the weak and shit. Mm, god, though, all the--the trappings of it. The incense, and the chanting. The light coming through the stained glass." Goro closed his eyes, picturing it. "You know what a rose window is?"

IZZY

Hansel shook his head. "Like ... them suncatchers I got you?"

LINA

"Well, kinda, only... big. Gigantic. It's the big circular window over the entrance to the main sanctuary. We're talking thirty feet across, you feel me? It's supposed to be like a wheel, and you read the panels going clockwise so it tells a story. It's just... better from afar, though. When the sun's getting low in the afternoon, shining through. It's one of the most beautiful things I ever seen."

IZZY

Hansel made a soft, pleased sound. "You'll have to show me."

LINA

Goro smiled. "Yeah. After I kill all those fuckers."

IZZY

"We," Hansel corrected.

LINA

"Hm. Yeah, I guess they did torture your son, and shit."

IZZY

"Was gonna before that happened."

LINA

"Oh. Yeah. Guess they also tortured me." Goro snorted.

IZZY

"Mmhm. 'Least they make a good window, though," he said drowsily. "They got those in Maskarran temples, too?"

LINA

"Nah. Too flashy, maybe. Maskarrans try to be discreet. If I ever built a temple, though, I'd put one in anyway. Maybe put one in my goddamn house, if I could. I got my suncatchers and all, but something big--that'd be the coolest."

IZZY

"Y'oughta talk to Marion 'bout it. Her folks, they did glassblowin'. Bet she'd help y'out." Hansel didn't figure those were really the same kinda thing, just 'cause they were both to do with glass, but maybe he just liked the idea of his mom and his fiance making something pretty together.

LINA

"Ooh." Goro's eyes widened at the possibility. "Yeah. Yeah." He closed them again, relaxing against Hansel. He thought for a while. Daydreaming.

"Think we'll live in that castle forever, or what?"

IZZY

"Dunno." Hansel's tongue felt heavy. Eyelids, too. He didn't wanna sleep, just wanted to rest -- to be here. He stirred a bit, though, managing to say, "Wanna open a tavern some day." He couldn't remember if he'd ever told Goro that. "Good vegetarian food. Free rooms for people that need'em. Wouldn't have to live there myself, I s'pose."

LINA

"Oh." Goro lit up a little. "That sounds real nice. Huh. Yeah, I don't think I'd like to live in a tavern, either. Too many people coming and going. Y'know, thing about me, I always like my privacy, right? But I ain't never had much of it. Street, you got none. Abbey dormitories, hell nah. I rented this tiny apartment once--ah, you knew me then. Was right before I moved onto the Sugar Glider. Tried to find the quietest place I could, but still there was lots of people in the building." He paused, considering. "Castle... castle's got too many goddamn entry and exit points. I think I like it better than living in the city, though. Didn't think I would, but I do. Um... you sure you don't want me to be quiet?"

IZZY

Hansel shook his head. "Nuh-uh. Never." He shifted around a little and murmured, "Get us a li'l seaside cottage. You an' me an' Mishka, have Raef right nearby with Az an' Tikva. Someplace for Theo, and Bakir, too, and Luci if she wants. Room for Larkin an' Jonn t'visit. City kids," he added fondly. Supposed Goro was a city kid, too, though. He shifted again, faintly worried. "That ... that sound nice?"

LINA

"Sounds amazing." Goro grinned from ear to ear. "When?"

IZZY

Hansel sighed, pleased. "Dunno. Some day."

LINA

"Pfff. Someday don't mean nothing."

IZZY

He frowned a bit. "That ain't true." He fumbled and found Goro's hand, found his ring, held their hands up and tapped it with his thumb. "What's this mean, huh? Means some day." He snuggled against Goro. "Don't mean never."

LINA

"Mm." Goro snuggled back. "People always just... say shit," he said slowly. "Not--I don't mean you, I just mean people. Most of 'em can't keep a promise to save their life. Just say what they think you wanna hear. Or they'll say shit and mean it, but they can't follow through. I dunno. I always--I always want the proof."

IZZY

"I know," Hansel murmured. He squeezed Goro's hand. "I know. Me too."

LINA

"You really wanna get a seaside cottage?"

IZZY

"Mmhm."

LINA

"A little one. Just enough space for the three of us. With a door that opens right onto the beach, so you step outside to a great view."

IZZY

"Mmm." Hansel nodded. "S'good."

LINA

"Good kitchen, so you can make us real yummy breakfasts."

IZZY

"Yeah, 'course," Hansel said sleepily. "Good kitchen's a given."

LINA

"And... and a good bed. Like not just a bed, but like, a real soft one."

IZZY

"Bed don't matter. Gonna sleep on me, anyhow."

LINA

"Pfff."

IZZY

Hansel smiled. He stirred and opened his eyes, raising up to gaze at Goro dreamily and stroke his hair. "I'll build it myself," he said. "Whole house. Just how you an' Mishka want it. Everything we need. Yeah?"

LINA

Goro grinned some more and hid his face against Hansel's shoulder, nodding. He wiggled around, feeling too fucking full of... just, hope and other nice things, he guessed. A physical sensation in his body, still largely unfamiliar.

"Should do it right away. Soon as we're back home."

IZZY

"M'kay," Hansel said, drowsy and pleased.

Sometimes -- simple things seemed to make Goro so happy, and that was so good. So good when he was happy. Hansel really did try, really did want to try -- he'd knuckle down and build as many houses as it took to make Goro happy -- but sometimes it felt like ... he didn't have to. Like Goro really was happy just to be with him, and be held by him, really was happy with the things that Hansel didn't have to try at. Sometimes things could just be easy.

"Whatever you want," he promised, like he always did, because he meant it, and kissed Goro softly before settling back again.

LINA

"Only problem, though. Might never leave if you built me a place that good." He said it kinda teasing, but wondered if it might have a little truth in it. "I used to... used to have all these big plans, and shit. Changing Skyport."

There was more to say, but suddenly it felt hard to get out.

IZZY

"Fuck Skyport," Hansel said sleepily. "Don't need it."

LINA

"Yeah," Goro said. "Yeah. I... I dunno, though. Feels like I'm giving up on it. I wasn't gonna do that."

IZZY

"Mm. Still gonna kill them clerics." He shifted to nestle his face against Goro's neck comfortably. "Freddy, if y'want. Can still change shit."

LINA

"Or we just stay in our cottage forever," Goro pointed out.

IZZY

"Mmm." Hansel let himself think about that for a moment. A real nice moment. "Get bored," he admitted. "Both would. 'Ventually."

LINA

Goro sighed. "Yeah. Yeah. I know." He was quiet for a moment. "Think we'll always be that way? When we're old men, and shit?"

IZZY

"Aye," Hansel said, at peace with it. He never figured he'd be an old man, anyway, but if he was, he didn't know why he'd change then. Up until he had to. Didn't sound so bad, he supposed, so long as he was old with his partners. "All knobbly-boned and bent over, still lookin' for dragons to fight, eh."

LINA

"Nah, nah. Listen. Maybe we'll... slow down, a little. Just sit and be more. I can picture--"

He stopped, holding his breath for a second. He never pictured himself getting old.

"I can picture us with our hair all gray, and shit. Just sitting. Maybe you build us a porch on that cottage, eh, and we sit out there watching the waves. Cuddling, just like we do now, only we'll have everything figured out by then. Nothing's gonna hurt anymore, we'll just be happy. Won't be any more dragons to kill 'cause we'd've got 'em already, you and me and Mishka."

IZZY

Hansel gave another pleased mmm.

LINA

"Is that... okay?"

Goro wasn't really sure what he was asking. He just felt profoundly uncertain, setting foot in a space he'd never visited before. Tempting fate, almost, by taking a peek at what he might want out of life in a hundred years. That was not a place for him. That had never been a place for him, barely surviving day to day. He needed Hansel to take his hand and go there with him.

IZZY

"Mmhm." Hansel gave him a squeeze. "Y'know sittin' with you's my favorite thing t'do, right, ahuv?"

LINA

"Nuh uh." Goro hid his grin against Hansel's shoulder again.

IZZY

"Yuh-huh." Hansel nuzzled against him.

LINA

"Nah. Fuckin' pirate like you? World traveler? Adventuring kinda guy?"

IZZY

"Aye. So y'know I know what I'm talkin' about. Got the experience an' all."

LINA

"Psssh." Goro pulled back so he could look Hansel in the eye. Just gazed at him for a while, smiling dreamily.

IZZY

Hansel blinked back at him sleepily. Felt himself wanting to cry again, a bit, but different this time. Kinda crying he did at weddings and such. The good kind.

He'd been afraid of storms for so long -- not just since the sea beast, and the Albatross, but since before he left home. Wasn't even that first storm, when he'd hid in the cave. Started before then. Loud sounds and crashing, screaming from overhead -- wasn't all about actual thunder and lightning, and he didn't like to think about it, but he knew it on some level. Preferred to ignore it. Pretend it was all different, and separate, and he'd never jumped at the sound of someone shouting his name in fury before that night in the cave.

Everything felt like a storm, sometimes. Any time he was upset, and any time someone was upset with him -- or he just thought they might be, and he paced around wanting somewhere to hide, but he was too big now to scoot himself into little caves and cubbies or hide under a bed. Nowhere to hide, and he had to face the storms. Always felt like it could be the last one, at any moment -- the last storm, the one where he'd break, where he'd lose everything.

Sometimes, though -- sometimes there wasn't a storm at all. Sometimes he thought he could feel the cloying humidity and smell the electricity in the air, but it just ... passed. And the fear had been for nothing. Didn't make the fear go away, straight off or for good, but once the sky cleared, he got to tell himself: Not this time. Not always. And he thought, maybe there weren't as many storms as he thought there were. He thought, maybe there won't be a last one. Maybe he could weather it. Could weather all of them.

Hansel just looked at Goro for a long, quiet moment.

"You make me feel so safe, y'know?" he said softly.

LINA

"Well... good." Goro was a little surprised to hear Hansel say it, but it wasn't wrong. He clutched onto Hansel more fiercely, digging his fingers in. "Ain't nothing gonna get to you through me."

IZZY

"Mm." He closed his eyes and wrapped around Goro, not to squeeze, but just to hold him there. Soft, and comfortable. Didn't know how to say what was in his head -- that it wasn't anything outside that he was worried around getting to him. That usually it was just ... him. Something in him that was bad. Didn't know how to say it in a way Goro would understand, and not just argue with, and insist he was the best.

Or -- the favorite, anyway. That was something. Kind of a compromise.

"Y -- y'know," he said hesitantly, "y'know that thing y'said to me, about ... how it feels like, sometimes, you got a bad leg? Just ... hurts to stand on."

LINA

"Yeah?" Goro kissed his chin, encouraging him.

IZZY

"Don't feel like you got anything to protect me from," he said quietly. "Just that. Just my own bad leg."

LINA

"Oh." Goro thought about that for a while. He kissed Hansel again, softly. "Hm. Yeah. Well, yeah. Fuck you, bad leg. Quit hurting my Hansel."

IZZY

Hansel laughed weakly. "Aye. I'll pass on the message."

LINA

"You can just lean on me," Goro added. "Take some of the weight off. Metaphorically, and shit."

IZZY

"I'm tryin'," he murmured. "S'just hard."

LINA

"Yeah," Goro said quietly. "Yeah."

He freed one arm and stroked Hansel's face for a while. He let out a little sigh. "Amari told me once--she said--you're trying so hard to believe he loves you. Meaning, you. And she said, it doesn't have to be that hard. And, ah. I'm still not totally sure what she meant, truth be told. I don't know how to make it... not hard. To accept love, and shit."

IZZY

"Mm." Hansel leaned into Goro's hand. He opened his eyes again, halfway. "Think it has gotta be that hard. She's real smart, Mari. But ... sometimes you gotta try real hard at shit other people ain't gotta try at." He sighed, too, into Goro's hair, and hugged him. "Won't always be hard, maybe. Maybe that's what she means."

LINA

"Mm. Well." Goro frowned, remembering. "Right after she said that, she told me to go find you and ask for a hug. Maybe that's what she meant. Easy to get hugs."

IZZY

"Mm." Hansel squeezed him. "Real easy to get hugs. Always. Promise."

LINA

"Goes both ways, you know. Whatever you want from me--well, I guess you usually just grab hugs when you want 'em, but."

IZZY

Hansel nodded and cuddled him pointedly.

LINA

"Anything else you need, though. You think I'd turn you down?"

IZZY

He made sort of an nnn sound. He didn't think Goro would turn him down, and he thought maybe that could be a problem.

LINA

"Oh, psh. You afraid I'll give you shit when I don't really wanna? That it?" Goro snuggled him fiercely.

IZZY

"Kinda," he mumbled.

LINA

"Alright, well, admittedly I'd carve out my left eye if I thought it'd help you, but... just the left one, promise." He grinned, hoping Hansel would find it funny. Probably not.

IZZY

Hansel grumbled.

LINA

Goro sighed, not quite sure what to say that would be reassuring. He would fucking do anything for Hansel. Hansel meant everything to him.

"You taught me real good how to speak up for myself," he said hesitantly. "If you needed something, and I didn't really wanna give it to you, but I thought it'd help... I'd tell you first, yeah? And then--then maybe we could figure something else out."

IZZY

Hansel made an uncertain sound. He had ... tried real hard to convince Goro to talk to him. Safeword out. Say hold. And he could relax more, sometimes, now, 'cause He knew that Goro would try to look out for himself. He could never relax all the way, though. Wasn't really sure if he even wanted to -- felt fucking dangerous.

"'Kay," he said uncertainly. "Just ... just want you t'talk to me. Want you t'know you can, and ... and even if it's somethin' bad, y'know, that it'll be all right. You don't gotta give me anything."

Hansel did that. He knew he did. And he knew it fucked him up sometimes, but he couldn't seem to stop -- too fucking scared that if he stopped, no one would need him anymore. No one would want him. Had to be useful.

He knew it wasn't a good fucking way to be, was all, and he didn't want Goro to feel that way, too.

LINA

"Sure, but... I want to give you shit. I want to help you."

IZZY

"I know." Hansel frowned, trying to explain himself. "But you don't ... you don't gotta give me everything."

LINA

"Yeah. That's what I'm saying, ahuv." Goro was puzzled. He kissed Hansel a few times, 'cause that always made sense, at least.

IZZY

"Mmm." Hansel felt like they were talking in circles around each other, or something. Not meeting up where it made sense. He was exhausted, though, and ... maybe it didn't need to be talked out at all. Maybe they could figure it out as they went, and that was okay. He stroked Goro's hair. "All right. Okay." He paused. "Just ... just want you to be happy. That's all. Don't want you to ... to give too much, an' ..."

LINA

"What's too much?"

IZZY

He frowned again. "Dunno. Depends, I guess."

LINA

Goro frowned back. "Gimme an example."

IZZY

"Nnn." He shifted to hide his face against Goro's neck again. Didn't wanan fuckin' think about it.

LINA

"Don't got any, 'cause there's nothing you'd want from me that'd be too much to give. 'Cause you're good, and I love you."

IZZY

He groaned again.

LINA

"Hah. I win." Goro kissed his hair.

IZZY

"No," Hansel mumbled. "Y'don't win conversations."

LINA

"Do so. I just did."

IZZY

"What if I didn't wanna be married under Mask?" Hansel blurted.

LINA

"You--you didn't, and we talked about it, and shit. Remember? Compromise, or whatever."

IZZY

"Aye, but -- but if it was somethin' like that," he insisted. "Somethin' important t'you. And I wouldn't give, 'cause it was important t'me, too. Maybe -- I didn't know how much it mattered, or ..." He trailed off, 'cause it was hard to imagine himself not caring if something mattered to Goro. Felt more likely he'd be the one to cave.

More quietly, he went on, "Just ... I'm just scared you love me too much. An' you'll give when you shouldn't, 'cause you don't wanna make me mad, or whatever, and -- then you'll be unhappy, or -- or you'll end up resentful, and you'll leave me. Just scared."

LINA

"But... but I'd tell you," Goro insisted. He was getting even more confused. "I'd tell you how much it mattered. Wouldn't you... wanna compromise?"

IZZY

"Yeah." He had that feeling again, like they were going around in circles, and it was making his chest tight. He wanted to stop talking about it so he wouldn't get upset, but the fucking thing was that he was trying to tell Goro how important it was to talk about shit that was hard to talk about. Goddammit. "Yeah, I -- I would. Just ..." He struggled to figure out how else to say it. "Just scared that you wouldn't tell me. If you were ... nervous about it. 'Cause -- 'cause I would be," he admitted in a mumble. "S'hard."

LINA

"Oh. Well--yeah. But that's what I'm trying to promise I'll do. I'll tell you shit. 'Kay?" He grabbed Hansel's hand and held it up, same way Hansel had held his hand up earlier, and tapped Hansel's sun ring.

IZZY

Hansel squeezed his hand. Couldn't shake the fear off. Maybe it just ... took time. "'Kay," he said softly.

LINA

Goro squeezed back, then hugged Hansel's hand against his chest. "How 'bout you? You gonna tell me if I'm asking for too much?"

IZZY

He couldn't really imagine Goro asking for too much. Kind of thought he was just like that, though. Couldn't think about anything being too much, 'cause the idea of not being able to give enough made the storm clouds close in.

"I'll try," he said. It came out doubtful.

LINA

"'Kay. What if I told you no Selune at our wedding? Mask only."

IZZY

"Mm. Nn." Hansel made a few more vague, uncertain noises and shifted around, all uncomfortable, and mumbled, "Dunno."

LINA

Goro shook Hansel's arm excitedly. "Here. Let's practice." He pulled free to sit up, then scooted away a little, crossed his arms, and scowled. "Hansel, I want a Maskarran wedding."

IZZY

Hansel just winced at him and made some more noises, wrapping his arms around himself. "I don't want to," he mumbled. "Come back."

LINA

"Aw, aw, hey. It's okay." Goro scrambled back onto him. He put his arms around Hansel's neck and kissed him a few times. "Was just playing."

IZZY

Hansel unfolded himself to wrap back around Goro.

LINA

"Thought it'd be okay 'cause you already know how it's gonna turn out," Goro said lamely.

IZZY

"But -- but if you changed your mind," he said, all muffled against Goro's neck.

LINA

"Hansel. God. That what you think of me?"

IZZY

"Nnn. I dunno." He pressed against Goro tighter. "Sorry. Bad."

LINA

"No. Jeez. You're not." Goro squeezed him tight and kissed his hair. "You're just scared. I know."

IZZY

He sniffled.

LINA

"I get it. I'm scared too."

IZZY

"I don't wanna talk about it anymore," Hansel mumbled. "'M tired. Wanna talk about other shit instead."

LINA

"Okay. Okay, that's fine." Goro gave him another kiss. "Hey. You just did it. You told me you didn't want something."

IZZY

Hansel was quiet for a moment, feeling puzzled and weirdly disoriented. He wanted to argue, or something. "Mm. Oh."

LINA

"And guess what?"

IZZY

"Mm?"

LINA

"I still love you." Goro squeezed him tighter. "And I still got you."

IZZY

Hansel squeezed him back. "'Kay," he said again, without the uncertainty this time.

LINA

"Love you so much," Goro whispered. Wanted to tell Hansel more about how good he was, and how Goro was never gonna leave him. But it might spook him. Hansel said he wanted to talk about something else.

Goro could come at it from an angle, he figured. Talk about the wedding, since that was a sign they weren't gonna leave each other. "Hey, you gonna have a... a best man, or whatever?"

IZZY

Hansel was quiet for a bit, not so much thinking about the question as just trying to get on a different track, get away from the fear. Was hard to think about anything else, at first. It helped, though, having something solid to work his way towards.

He wondered if Goro got that from Amari, or just knew how to do it himself, 'cause he got scared too.

"Dunno," he said finally. "Didn't when me an' Mishka got married." He would've asked Eli, probably, or Hunter, but -- he really didn't wanna think about them much right now, either. Something else. "Dunno who I'd ask."

LINA

"Leigh? Raef? I'm gonna ask Larkin." Goro grinned, excited and kinda nervous at the thought.

IZZY

"Can't ask everyone," Hansel mumbled, embarrassed. "Got too many options." What a dumb fuckin' problem to have.

LINA

Goro snickered. "Yeah? So just pick one of 'em. What's the big deal?"

IZZY

"Somebody might feel left out," Hansel protested. Felt like he was complaining over nothing. Kinda felt like he couldn't say anything without it sounding stupid, so he didn't say anything else.

LINA

"Huh. Maybe you could pick all of 'em, then. Y'know, have... however many best men you want. You got as many husbands as you want, right?"

IZZY

"S'pose," he said slowly. "Can't be the best, though, if there's a fuckin' half dozen of'em."

LINA

"Why not? Just say, these are the six best ones. 'S how that word works."

IZZY

Hansel hrmm'd thoughtfully, considering it.

LINA

"Little weird, though, 'cause... me and Mishka are your best men." Goro frowned, confusing himself. "Figure that's why you're marrying us. Huh."

IZZY

"Aye," Hansel said. "Dunno if it'd be ... fuckin' weird t'ask my husband to be my best man when I get another husband." Seemed fucking confusing.

LINA

Goro snickered again. "Hah, maybe. Maybe not. Ain't you the one always telling me we can do whatever we want?"

IZZY

"Mm." Hansel was doubtful. It was more, he thought, that Mishka might feel awkward about it himself, and as much as there wasn't anyone else Hansel would rather have there, he wouldn't ask it. Maybe Raef. Or -- maybe it wouldn't be so strange if he just had a whole fucking gaggle of people to stand up for him, and Mishka could be one if Raef was there too, and Leigh, and Jonn, and ...

That gave him another thought. "Y'wouldn't ... feel weird 'bout me having a few people, an' you just havin' Larkin?" he asked hesitantly. "Anyone else you'd wanna be there?"

LINA

"Why would I need anyone more than Larkin?" Goro said, and immediately started doubting himself. "Wh--... am I... am I supposed to feel weird?" He tried to picture it in his head. "How many people are you..."

His mind started filling in all the people Hansel might want to ask. Have standing at his side, while Goro had nobody except Larkin.

Ah. Well. That was the thing. The people Goro thought of as his family and friends, most of 'em were really Hansel's people. There was Ombre, but he thought she might feel weird about being in the wedding when she didn't like Hansel much.

IZZY

Hansel winced. He shouldn't've said anything about it. Should've just said, Ah, yeah, y'know, I'm just gonna ask Raef, have one person, like at a normal wedding, or whatever.

"Just ..." He trailed off. He was gonna make it worse if he said anything else. "Just ... I dunno who to choose, so ... so if I was gonna say, a'right, I can have more than one, then ... then I'd probably ask, y'know. Four, five people, is all." He was making it worse. He added, "Y'know, Raef and Mishka, and Leigh, and Jonn," like listing them out made it any better. "Bein' greedy," he mumbled.

LINA

Right. Goro wondered who the fuck else he could ask. Morgan? Fuckin' Sam?

He thought about if Hansel did up and leave him one day, there was a whole lot of people Goro also loved he'd be taking with him.

"Um." Goro fidgeted. He wanted to get up. Go get a drink of water, or something. But he stayed where he was. "I don't wanna talk about this anymore."

IZZY

"'Kay," Hansel said quickly, softly. He squeezed Goro tight, in case these were fidgets that could be squeezed out. "D'you -- wanna stop talking?" he asked, a bit miserably, since it seemed like they were just both gonna be fucking unhappy if they kept doing it. "Do somethin' else?"

LINA

Goro shrugged, best he could while Hansel was squeezing him.

IZZY

Hansel kept cuddling him, fretfully. Tried to think of something else good. Usually Goro liked -- well, this. Them cuddling, and talking. Felt like it wasn't working. They could fuck around, distract themselves, but he didn't really have it in him.

Normally, if it was him, he'd just go get drunk. He was struggling to think of something else.

"Could ... go for a walk," he tried. Started to say down on the beach, but maybe Goro was fucking tired of the ocean right now. He just didn't have anything else.

LINA

Goro was still for a moment. He nodded.

IZZY

Hansel kissed his head and squeezed him tight for another moment, then pushed himself up. He scrubbed at his face with one hand -- felt raw from crying -- and hugged Goro around the waist with the other arm. Didn't really feel like going for a walk. Felt like hiding under something, still.

"Beach, or forest, or city?" he asked. He'd always been partial to the beach. Liked the forest well enough too -- there were bits of it cleared out enough to be safe, and pleasant. Supposed Goro might prefer the city. Hansel could show him a few nice little spots.

LINA

"Um. Ain't the forest all haunted and shit?"

IZZY

"Nah, nah." He paused. "Kinda? Maybe? I mean -- there's parts that're nice."

LINA

Goro frowned thoughtfully. "Um. Doesn't matter. You pick."

IZZY

Hansel frowned back. He didn't wanna make decisions. Felt too woozy. Fresh ocean air might be good for him. Might -- might fuckin' freak him out, too, though. He made a noncommittal noise and dug into his pocket, finding a silver and a copper. He jostled them in his partially-closed hand, like he was rolling dice.

"A'right. Two heads, beach. Two tails, forest. Head and a tail, city. Yeah?"

He gave them a little toss and dumped them out on the bed gracelessly. Two heads.

"Beach okay?" he asked. "I mean, what with ... the pirates, an' all."

LINA

"Well, I'm assuming you'll kill 'em if they show up again."

IZZY

"Aye," Hansel said. "Just, y'know, if you're tired of smellin' the ocean."

LINA

"Nah. S'fine." Goro stuck his hands in his pockets. "You actually wanna go for a walk?"

IZZY

Hansel shrugged a shoulder. "If you do."

LINA

"You don't look so hot, is all."

IZZY

"Don't feel so hot, either." He shrugged again, a bit. "Fresh air might be good. Dunno." He picked at the sheets aimlessly.

LINA

Goro thought about pressing him. Thought about asking if this was one of those times--if he didn't wanna do something, but was too nervous to say no.

He had a feeling, though, Hansel was just gonna feel worse if Goro pushed.

"We'll try it and see how you feel," Goro offered. A compromise.

IZZY

"Yeah." Hansel gave him a bit of a puzzled look. "We can ... do somethin' else." He butted his tongue against his broken tusk, thinking. "Just feel like -- we're havin' a bad time, and maybe we need to try doing somethin' different, yeah? Both of us?"

LINA

"Guess so." Hands still firmly in his pockets, Goro jerked his head at the door. "You lead. Show me somewhere nice."

IZZY

Hansel offered him a hand.

LINA

Goro shuffled forward and took it. He gave Hansel a brief smile, then looked at his feet.

IZZY

Hansel laced his fingers between Goro's and squeezed his hand, pulling him close enough to kiss his head again, then pulling him on outside.

It was late, but Freeport was never particularly quiet. Hansel knew a few spots, though. The fresh air was nice -- cool and smelling of sea air, and fried foods, and the sweet decay of the jungle behind them. Hansel found the path he knew that cut around to the back side of the city, the inland edge where it met the jungle and the jungle thinned to a friendlier forest -- rasping cicadas and the scent of woodsmoke from hunters and campers at the forest edge greeted them there, but Hansel skirted by without acknowledging the other people or getting too close to their camps.

He was thinking about it, so he said it. "One time when I was still pretty young, one of the first times I ever actually made port here -- way before Mishka or anything, y'know -- ended up gettin' drunk one night and slept right through when my ship was set to head off. They went on without me -- was just a li'l swabbie, wasn't like I was missed -- so I ended up just hangin' around the island, a while."

He squinted a little, looking for the path ahead. Was like a deer trail, but there weren't deer on Patch Island -- came from a boar, maybe, or something much nastier. They'd cut through a corner of the jungle.

"Thought about just stayin'," he went on, moving to duck under a hanging, looping vine, holding it back for Goro to get by. "Went out into the jungle, a lot. Never got too far. Shit's different from the Grimwoods. Lot fuckin' scarier. 'Specially bein' younger, like I was. Snakefolk, and kobolds, y'know, shit I'd never seen before."

.

Then they broke through the trees, and onto a small beach -- white sand cradled by craggy rocks, all untouched. Hansel made a pleased sound. It was quiet, and dark, and solitary. The moon was a small waxing crescent above the black sheet of glass that was the ocean. It made Hansel think of Serena, of seeing her on an expansive shallow sea with the full moon impossibly close and bright.

"Came here a lot," he said. "Just ... camped out. Slept on the beach. Couldn't always afford a room, an' all. But it was nice. No one ever bothered me, or anything."

He led Goro out onto the sand.

LINA

Goro murmured appreciatively, both at the story and at the little beach. He squeezed Hansel's hand, following along. "Weren't you lonely?"

IZZY

Hansel shrugged a little, looking out over the ocean. "S'pose. Signed up on another ship, eventually." It hadn't done much for the loneliness, really, but it let him pretend that it had.

LINA

"Mishka's?"

IZZY

"Nah, nah. Was way before that, still."

LINA

"Mm." Goro squeezed his hand again. After a moment, he stepped closer and tucked himself against Hansel's side, slipping an arm around his waist.

IZZY

Hansel wrapped his own arm around Goro's shoulders, hugging him and kissing his head.

He stayed quiet, and listened to the waves.

LINA

"Could be... could be a place like this we get married," Goro said after a minute.

IZZY

"Mm." Hansel turned to bury his face in Goro's hair instead of watching the ocean, nuzzling against him. The walk had been good. Cleared his head. "That'd be good," he murmured. "I'd like that."

LINA

"Maybe we just elope. Just us and... whoever marries us."

IZZY

Hansel made a soft agreeable sound. "Long as I get to show you off some time."

LINA

"'S'that mean?"

IZZY

"Ain't gotta have a big ceremony or anything. Just don't wanna keep it a secret." He kissed Goro's head. "Gonna call you ishi."

LINA

Goro grunted noncommittally.

IZZY

Hansel nuzzled against him more.

LINA

Goro mumbled something incoherent.

IZZY

"Mm?" Hansel nudged.

LINA

Goro just mumbled some more.

IZZY

Hansel mumbled incoherently back at him.

LINA

"If you leave me, your whole family's gonna go with you," Goro muttered.

IZZY

"Eh?" Hansel didn't even know what else to say, right away.

LINA

"Ain't really my family, they're yours."

IZZY

"That ain't true," Hansel said, still feeling all at a loss. "We're all ... the same family, y'know? Would be like that even if me an' you weren't together. Was before we were."

LINA

"Larkin and Amari, yeah. But the rest of 'em, nah." Goro turned his head and buried his face in Hansel's shoulder. "Bah. Shouldn't've brought it up. Doesn't matter."

IZZY

Hansel frowned. He stroked Goro's back. He just didn't think that was ... true. Wasn't sure how to convince Goro of it, though.

He tugged Goro to sit down with him, crossing his legs in the sand to think, saying, "Does matter. It ain't ever gonna happen, but -- but I don't want you t'think it'd go down like that, if it did."

LINA

Goro climbed onto Hansel's lap and wrapped around him, closing his eyes and listening to the waves. He didn't say nothing.

IZZY

Hansel wrapped around him, too, still frowning.

He wanted to say more -- more about how it wouldn't happen anyway, because Hansel didn't leave people. He wanted a list of people to go down and try to gently cajole Goro into understanding why each and every one of them wouldn't just leave Goro, too. How they were his family. How they'd been family before. How they'd be family if him and Goro had never gotten together in the first place.

Sometimes, though, Hansel felt like when he tried to say shit that helped, he just made everything worse.

And sometimes, Hansel didn't know what to say at all.

So he held Goro on the beach, and stroked and kissed his hair, and watched the dark ocean.

[end]