But I'm Riding a She-Orc

Official art by Simon Greiner

## Description

Ireena Kolyana awaits her rescue in the cold and musty towers of Castle Ravenloft. Perhaps, she dreams, even now heroes are riding to her rescue? Well what she gets is the Dragon Friends.

## Synopsis

The Moptop clan agree to give the Dragon Friends weapons, food, healing ointments, and clothes. They tell them that they have been sending food the the guest quarters in the West Wing, but they cannot follow because they cannot go above ground.

In broad daylight they arrive at the tower in disarray. Freezo yells and announces why they are there, preventing them from having any sort of stealth.

Upon entering, Baston can smell Ireena Kolyana's signature scent, Lenach 5 number. He prepares to meet his betrothed once more but attempts a maneuver that breaks his toe. Bobby fails to pick the lock, but Philge breaks the door down and carries Baston in. They see the figure of Ireena Kolyana in a four poster bed. She is unimpressed with Baston. Freezo makes everything smell like Lenach 5 number. Bobby casts Charm Person, hoping to charm her for Baston, but it makes her fall in love with him, Bobby Pancakes.

Bats fly in and coalesce into a figure, that of the vampire Strahd von Zarovich. After a bit on conversation, Strahd casts Hold Person on Bobby. They begin combat, and Freezo makes his crotch smell like garlic. Bobby pulls out the Relic of Pelor and threatens to break it, but decides against it. Freezo stabs the sword that he got from Albrecht Rumsfield at Strahd, but it does not harm Strahd. The Dragon Friends hear him calling Ireena Petrina. Strahd tries to disintegrate Bobby, but he dodges it, using the relic to protect himself. Strahd explodes into a cloud of bats in retreat.

## People

### Dragon Friends

* Philge
* Freezo
* Bobby Pancakes
* Baston

### Non-Player Characters (NPCs)

* Ireena Kolyana
* Strahd von Zarovich

### Bestiary

* Vampire
* Bats

## Themes, tropes and running jokes

* Hanna-Barbera Voice Reel - More Deep Gnome dialect antics
* Bakers and Baking - Freezo requests a replacement bakers' outfit
* Kung Fu Baston - Per Edan, "He wants to do a flying kick and land with his hands on his hips." (He does not.)
* Philge's Maternal Instinct - Baston is unable to scale the stairs and enter the room, so Philge carries him around like a baby, beaming
* Freezo was actually nice! He made a room smell like Ireena's favorite perfume
* Bobby uses a Dice of Inspiration to dodge Strahd's disintegrate.
* Woke Freezo - Freezo thinks Bobby's use of Charm Person is unethical and a dicey area.

## Quotes

* "As the bats spin and shriek, they coalesce into a figure, a figure that you have seen but once before: a figure with a dark and aristocratic frame, dressed in Barovian silks, rings, and finery, with a voice smooth and honeyed, yet with an edge like burnished steel... a new voice, a voice we have not heard! A voice that is, perhaps, fearsome, forboding, and like what Dave asked for! And as that figure coalesces, it snaps, and turns toward you, and says..." - Dave Harmon
* "G'DAY, CUNTS! WELCOME TO ME CASTLE!" - Strahd von Zarovich

## Table Talk

* There's a bit about ~30 minutes in where Ben workshops his Strahd voice with input from the cast
* Ben insists that everyone in the audience join in a Droopy the Hound "BWEHHHHH!" noise