Orphans

An **Orphan** is, generally speaking, a child who has lost their parents. The term orphan is typically used to describe a child whose parents have died, are unknown, or have permanently abandoned them, but in regards to lovability, blood ownership, and bone density, an Orphan is defined specifically as a child whose biological parents are dead. The smell of sadness in their blood makes them inherently unlovable to all but the most morally pure of beings, and they are common targets for evil beings such as Goliath and Captain Marvel.

## History

### PreFAP

In the beginning, there was The Cosmic Chicken, Phred. The Cosmic Chicken, having no parents of her own, may be the first ever Orphan, if such concepts even apply to Her. While Tonald does have a mother and a father, his true genesis was emerging from the primordial ooze of the Universe, instilled with the spark of life by Dadald and Phred. This also leaves his Orphan status up for debate. Goliath also came into being without parents, raising the possibility that It is also an Orphan. This would raise further questions as that would make Goliath an anti-Orphan Orphan.

Those who believe in a supreme God as well as The Cosmic Chicken believe that God was hatched from the Cosmic Egg and created the Universe, rather than the Universe itself being hatched from the Cosmic Egg. This would give God the same ambiguous Orphan status as the Cosmic Chicken and Tonald.

### Foreshadowing

> "Rags, your Orphan hatred has spread to the chat"
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> - Wolf, EFAP 32
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As referenced by Wolf in EFAP 32, Rags had a history of joking about orphans, which MauLer supported by bringing up the time that Rags had suggested they sacrifice the blood of orphans when watching *Wish Upon*.

### Discovery of Unloved-ness by EFAP

During the Arrival Debate in EFAP 32, MauLer, Jay, Wolf, and Rags were first made aware of the nature of Orphan Love by Chat, when a chat member argued that a parent would love an adopted child inherently less than they would love a biological child, since people are hard-wired to care for their blood relatives. The four of them found that idea preposterous and argued against it, and it ended with the realization that EFAP and Chat were both saying that some parents would love an adopted child less and others wouldn't, but were phrasing it in different ways. However, EFAP eventually came to learn that parents can indeed smell their own genes in their biological children's blood.

### The Rabbithole

It was during Jay's stream watching a WatchMojo video on *The* *Rise* *of* *Skywalker* trailer that the bulk of information surrounding Orphans was uncovered. They discussed their recent discovery from EFAP 32, and question answered only led to more questions, until the gang found themselves down a rabbithole so deep that the stream needed to be added to the EFAP Expanded Universe to let the EFAP Community know of the discoveries that were made.

#### Spiritual and Religious Significance

It is a law of the Universe that Orphans cannot be loved, with one of the Commandments being, "Thou shalt not love Orphans."

#### Lovability and Blood Ownership

> "That's because the blood is intrinsically infused with the emotional concept of disappointment and sadness. It gives it more power... like the blood of a serial killer."
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> - Doggo Raggins, on why Orphan Blood is effective in sacrifices
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Not only are parents biologically engineered to love their children out of a desire for their genes to be passed on, but they are also able to smell their own genes within their child's blood. This is because a child's blood is owned by their parents until they reach the age of majority, at which point they gain ownership over their own blood and receive their Blood Certificate. If a child has no parents, they must take on the burden of owning their own blood prematurely, which they are unable to truly do. Rags established that Orphan Blood is intrinsically infused with the emotional concept of disappointment and sadness, and since others are able to smell that sadness it triggers an unconscious biological response in them that prevents them from loving them. That being said, Rags is a furry weirdo, so his opinion on love and family does not represent the average person's.

If a child's parents are dead, they are no longer their child's parents. The child is no longer their parents' child as the dead are not responsible for them nor do they own them, as you need to be alive to own things.

#### Bone Density and Other Attributes

The moment that a child becomes an orphan, they immediately lose a significant portion of their bone density, making them an inherently weaker specimen of human. This can be counteracted by absorbing bone density from other Orphans, though this comes at the cost of further suffering to the other Oprhans. A more harmless means for an Orphan to regain bone density is by drinking rhino milk. An Orphan who maintains their original bone density becomes an **Alpha Orphan**, who can wield influence over lesser Orphans who recognize their superiority and fear retribution if they disobey. Upon reaching the age of majority, Orphans gain normal bone density back, along with ownership of their blood.

Only a child whose biological parents are actually dead, not just absent, are true Orphans. Some people who believe that they are Orphans, but whose parents are actually just missing or absent, will desire to kill their parent once they are reunited, as they don’t know how to handle the sudden feeling of love the parent gives them. This may explain why Luke wanted to kill Darth Vader after learning he is his father. On the other hand, some parents want to have Ophans, so they kill themselves to make their children Orphans.

One can identify as an Orphan, and by whittling down their bone density they can disguise themself as one.

#### Degrees of Orphan

* **Orphancian -** Orphan who was an abortion
* **Scumbag Orphan -** Lowest tier, they don't have anything and people often tell them how nobody loves them.
* **Morphan -** An Orphan who has both their biological parents and one adoptive parent die, so they still have someone left who loves them
* **Apex Orphan -** Orphan who has lost their birth parents and both of their adopted parents. They have the ability to absorb bone density from Scumbag Orphans and Morphans to maintain their low bone density and to bulk up their body to overpower non-Orphans.
* **Alpha Orphan -** Largest and strongest Apex Orphan who can maintain their high bone density. All the lesser Orphans fear Alpha Orphans, as they can control all other types of Orphans, with the exception of other Apex Orphans.
* **Megazorphan -** A combined army of Scumbag Orphans converted into a Megazord, controlled by group of Alpha Orphans.

### Relationship to Morality and The Don

In EFAP 36, MauLer, Rags, Fringy, SmilerAl, and RobotHead witnessed the full tragic story of The Don, and found out that he was a charitable man whose contributions to society included helping out Orphans. Jay asked in chat how it was possible for The Don's good deeds to include care towards Orphans when Orphans are known to be unlovable, leading to the realization that The Don is so morally pure that he is able to love even the unlovable. By contrast, Goliath, the embodiment of pure evil, is known to have a pure hatred of Orphans. Between those two extremes lies ordinary people, who all house a small bit of evil within them and therefore are susceptible to their unconscious biological response to the smell of sadness in Orphans' blood, an original sin that only a morally pure being like The Don can overcome.

### Additional Orphan Hypotheses

According to Jennifer Walters, AKA She-Hulk, being an Adult Orphan is one of the prerequisites to becoming a superhero, but the validity of her claim is questionable.

After Synthetic Man suggested that Odin accused Kratos of being a cuck in EFAP 217, Smudboy professed that he subscribed to the idea that someone cannot love a child who does not share their blood, finding it preposterous that MauLer would consider adopting a child and raising them right to be a Chad move.

Possibility of Orphan-blood being a good lubricant for cogwheels is brought up, but this has yet to be proven true.

## Known Orphans

* Erik Killmonger, who went on an adventure to kill children as he was envious of the love they got that he couldn't. His plan was admirable in some ways, like Hitler's plan to make Germany come out on top of the world. His only regret was not killing enough kids. killmonger took Black Panther's suit because it would help him in murdering children. This places him lower morally than Darth Vader, because at least Anakin felt remorse for killing the Sand People's children.
* Rose Tico, who abandoned a group of slave children, either because even an Orphan can't love other Orphans, or because she considered them competition for potential love.
	+ She was able to command the other Orphans since they recognized her as an Alpha Orphan.
	+ She may have actually seen Finn as a father figure, hence why she kissed him on the mouth.

* Broom Boy and the other slaves, who will become the next Sith Order in the future, due to the lack of love they received
* Batman (nobody in *Batwoman* loves him, only Batwoman)
* Han Solo (he can't come back as a force ghost)
* Rey Palpatine, who uses the Force to manipulate people to love her. Is it better to be an Orphan than a nobody?
* Harry Potter (his aunt and his family hate him)
* Peter Parker
* Tony Stark, who deserved to die for being an orphan
* Thanos
* One of Mark Brown's alternative personalities is that of a Pathetic Little Orphan, who asks his father simple questions.
* Chat is collectively an Orphan, and has been adopted by Jay.

### Possible Orphans

* The Cosmic Chicken
* Tonald
* God/Dadald
* Goliath

## Trivia

* Since Tonald emerged from the primordial universe instead of being born, he might technically be an orphan. If so, this disproves that they can't be loved.
* Santa Clause won't bring presents to Orphanages if the Orphans don't pay him enough, otherwise he just has human intercourse with the nuns.
* Vampires can drink Orphan blood, but its doesn't taste as good nor is it as nourishing
* According to their demographics, EFAP is majority Orphan content.
* Orphans are the best represented minority in media.
* You can become transorphan by surgically removing your parents.
* Orphans are neat when they are dead, better to have a child that dies young from cancer than to be an Orphan
* Orphan-punching is an established pastime. What are they going to do, tell their parents? Nobody else is obliged to do anything about the beating.
* Only 20% of Orphans poop with door closed, they don’t deserve herpes.
* Since Aquaman is not an orphan, his mother recognizes her blood in him.
* Jay's favorite offensive words are "orphan" and "adoption".

## Quotes

“I think we need an Orphan holocaust” - Wolf

"No Orphan is gone forever" - Chat, EFAP 32

## References

1. ↑ EFAP #32 - The Arrival Debate - Wolf vs. Jay - Also Memes - Dashes -
2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 EFAP - The Expanded Universe - Orphans, Goliath and the Cosmic Chicken.