Don't Laught At Horror Film Viewings

So, does everyone remember that one kid from their school days, the one everyone used to pick on? I sure as hell remember that one from mine, Medea King. She wasn’t so much weird as she sounded weird. Medea was from the UK that got her bullied. I also remember the guy who used to bully her back then, Trevor Roberts. In fact, many years later have passed since my school days and now we’re all good friends. It’s funny how the flow of time changes people. The oddly named gray-eyed kid who used to speak in weird English is now a respectable local stage actress while the asshole kid bully ended up turning into a hero who lost both of his legs fighting ISIS in Iraq.

That’s beside the point, however. The point is; we’re all horror flick buffs. That love for horror is the point of this whole story. It’s not sad or anything, to be honest, it’s mostly humorous. Maybe a little wrong on our part, but humorous, nonetheless. The main point being, don’t be that dickhead that laughs during horror movie screenings. It’s annoying. We get it. Some of them are bad and hokey, but for the love of anything still sacred – don’t ruin the experience for everyone. If you laugh at every sort of horror-related animated sequence, you see on a screen. Your stress reaction is awful. You are laughing because you are stressed. Simple as that, it’s a stress reaction. You can fool yourself all you want about it, but you’re just not dealing with the so-called horrific content well. It’s like laughing when you hurt or when someone falls without hurting themselves too badly. It’s a way to dispel the tension.

Mark Banks was a guy like that; he says he loves horror and gore and what not but wouldn’t stop laughing when the dark matter would roll across his eyes. It was awful. He would constantly call a bunch of us to go and watch movies with him. Being the nice guy that I am, I kept going, and I regretted it every single time. He wouldn’t stop laughing. No matter how actually good the film was – he wouldn’t stop laughing. It got on my nerves so bad.

The recent class reunion screening was the straw that broke the camel's back; we were watching Old Boy actually, and the guy wouldn’t stop laughing. I’m pretty sure he got smacked for his laughing a couple of times. I swear to god; I wanted to beat the living shit out of him. It wasn’t even funny, like at all. So yeah, after we ended watching the movie a bunch of us hit a local bar and amidst the hangout, I found myself sitting at a table with Trevor and Medea; she told us about her gig and how she does makeup stuff, turns out she’s a natural with that. Trev revealed his wearing prosthetics. We couldn’t see those under his pants. Slowly the conversation shifted towards that asshole Banks who was at the same bar, laughing his ass off because of the alcohol. His laughter has gotten so annoying I legit contemplated whooping his ass but luckily my friends stopped me.

I don’t remember who of us was it that suggested it, but we ended up concocting a plan even worse than just beating Banks’ ass.

We decided we’d scare the living hell out of him for being an annoying twat. Not just scare him, but scare him using what he calls his “passion.”

The next day, around evening I had texted Banks’, telling him I found something hilarious. The guy’s overall a bit of a clown and that he likes urban exploration. I can only imagine when I had texted him the following;

“Yo, Mark, come to the lost town; I found the funniest thing, dude.”

The lost town is an abandoned section of our town made up of old rundown housing units nobody lives in. Hell, even the homeless don’t want to live in that hellhole. It’s that bad.

“Hey… What is it?” he replied.

“Dude, if I spoil it now, it won’t be as good when you see it, just come here – it’ll be worth it,” I responded.

“Alright, be there in ten.”

The final message I sent him was a laughing emoji.

Ten minutes later I got another text, “Where are you exactly bro?”

“The tower, top floor,” I respond, with another laughing emoji at the end of the message.

A couple of minutes later I hear footsteps climbing up the staircases. “Hey, you there? What did you want to show me?”

I shot Medea a glance. She was seated on the floor with one arm wrapped around Trev’s shoulders. She flashed me a smile then looked at Trev and said; “It’s going to hurt just a little, hun.”

“Heeeeey, Mark, I’m here! Come up, brother.” I called at Banks who was in my line of sight at that point.

“Yeeeee, what is it you wanted to show me, my man?” He said as he shook my hand.

“Oh, it’s the funniest thing!” I burst out laughing as I put my arm around Banks’ shoulders

and walked him towards where Medea and Trev were.

I could feel his body turn into a dead weight for a split second when he saw the two pressed with their backs to a wall. It’s as if he couldn’t walk any further. I swear I could feel the rise of his pulls through the skin of his shoulders.

“What the…” he blurted out.

That’s when I started laughing my ass off; I was exaggerating it and the big brave horror buff who laughed at every terrifying movie scene was completely silent. He simply stood there like a statue.

“Isn’t that funny?” I asked, maintaining my pretend laughter.

“Heeey Marky” Medea called as she waved a crimson-tinted handsaw in the air.

“What the… f… Is that… a… joke?” Banks stammered.

Medea simply chuckled, albeit like a witch should.

“No, no, no, no… My man… Not at all…” I cackled.

“Dude… what the f…” Banks repeated himself.

“He’s the bad guy…” I mocked.

“Yeah! He shot a bunch of people!” Medea screamed gleefully.

“Look at his fucking legs, man,” I laughed, this time genuinely while pointing to a darkened section of the floor.

Shaking beneath my arm, I felt Banks shift his body towards where I was pointing.

“Oh god…” he murmured.

Trev’s prosthetic legs lied there, concealed under a cover of shadows.

“You didn’t…” Banks managed to let out.

I was holding myself from rolling on the floor laughing at this point.

“This isn’t f… f… f… funny… g… guys” Banks stammered.

“Oh, it’s fucking hilarious, it’s the most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen, fuck you should’ve listened to how he was squealing when she sawed off his legs.” I proclaimed.

“Aaaaaaaaaaah” Medea yelled out before laughing again like a maniacal witch.

Banks tried to walk away from me but I tightened my grip around his neck; he didn’t say a word, nor did he really try to wrestle his way out of my grip. He knew I was stronger than him. The weasel in him came out. He just fell kind of limp and passive.

“Oh, come on, buddy, where are you going? This is hilarious!”

He stayed silent, I think he might’ve started crying, or maybe it was just his sweat.

So, Medea went all, “Sawwy wants to know what should it cut next.” Waving it at Banks as to signal she wants an answer from him. Trev’s lying there with absolute terror in his eyes, shaking his whole body like he’s having a seizure. I was trying so hard not to fall and just lose myself in the comedy of it all.

Banks was probably pissing himself at that point judging by how much he was shaking.

I kept yelling at him that he should be laughing because it’s oh so funny.

Medea then pointed to Trev’s shoulder saying, “how about the shoulder, hm?” She

followed it with, “Maybe a bit of the collarbone? I hear these taste good!” She then placed the saw over Trev’s neck saying in the most serious tone she could muster, “Why don’t I just slash his throat open?”

Trev was squealing like a puppy under her free arm and I’m losing my absolute shit.

Banks was basically motionless at this point, probably pissed his soul out along with the urine.

Medea then points the saw at Trev’s crotch and goes, all dead-serious, “I think I’ll just cut off his peen first.”

I couldn’t handle it. I let go of Banks and fell on the floor, laughing like crazy, I was howling like a dog.

Good thing I did, though, the fucker spilled his guts on the floor.

He didn’t say much, I guess he was so caught up in it; he just bailed out of there.

We all just burst out laughing like three mad hounds for a good quarter of an hour.

Knowing full-well when the extent of our actions we snapped a selfie together with Trevor holding one of his prosthetics in the air over our heads. Before sending it to Banks, we captioned it “Dying is funny.”

He never responded, but he didn’t call the cops on us or anything so I guess that’s alright.

I’ve been hearing whispers around town that the guy hasn’t been seen or heard from in days, but at least I’m gonna guess he’s learned his lesson. Don’t fuck with people’s entertainment.