Headhunters 5: The Sweet Sixteen

## Introduction

This batch of criminals is proving to be the most corrupt and despicable of them all. Two weeks. Two choppings for two inactive players on two starting rosters. This makes Glorio's decision easy. Luck isn't the only thing Papa is out of. He's also out of heads!

## In Memorium: Out of Luck

There is something tragic about Out of Luck finally staying up for an entire Headhunters draft, only for his team to get chopped earlier than ever before. It seemed like they had a lot going for them. After all, not every team has a star TE like Kittle. Not every team has two QBs to start. Not every team has Tyreek Hill.

But things started off on the wrong foot, when Kenneth Gainwell was ruled out of TNF. By not swapping him out, Luck guaranteed the one thing he wouldn't be doing was GainingWell in the score column. With Glorio already pissed off, he had to hope for some good, ehem, LUCK, to bail him out. And that Luck came in the form of Never Done This Before starting the inactive Cam Akers.

But Glorio can only chop one head a week (something he is very bitter about). And to maximize suffering, Glorio decided that Out of Luck - with his $1,000 remaining - should go this week, while Never Done This - with his pocket of spare change - would live to die another day.

Out of Luck had trouble all the way up and down his roster. Dameon "Can't" Pierce "The Defensive Line" is proving to be an early round dud. Kittle came up Little. Michael Gallup looked more like Michael Slow Trot with 1.30 points. Darnell "Man on the" Mooney made like an astronaut and lifted off (to the lockerroom with an injury), finishing with a stat line that looked more like the diagram of a lunar orbit (0).

And then you had Jimmy GarappoBlows, who somehow has the best per game stats of any QB who has ever played football according to the broadcasts that cover his games, but yet he only plays six games a year and of course this week he throws up a dud.

It just wasn't meant to be this season, and after back-to-back-to-back top five finishes, Out of Luck suffers his first early exit since opening year in 2019.

Out of Luck:

## Weeks Survived (2019 v 2020 v 2021 v 2022 v 2023)

Weeks Survived (2019 v 2020 v 2021 v 2022 v 2023)
 Out of Luck

## Dead Money

Keeping track of all the cash that never got spent by teams that are now eliminated.

Dead Money 2023

Grave robbers will have a field day with these two.

## Top New Releases

1. Tyreek Hill
2. Michael Pittman Jr.
3. Daniel Jones
4. George Kittle
5. Kenneth Gainwell

## Week Two Bidding Results

### Quick-Hit Thoughts

* Last Year's Most Expensive Player: Lamar Jackson ($489-deCaPitated)
* Biggest Overpay: Jahmyr Gibbs ($275 over next highest bid-Never Done This Before)
* Narrowest Margin of Bid Victory: AJ Dillon ($1 over next highest bid-Jeff Probst)
* Moore, Müller, and Jeff Probst all won bids for players on their respective fan favorite team. That's cute.
* Commish learned the hard way not to bid on players you don't want because you may accidentally end up with them (JuJu).
* As is typical of a team in their first season, Headless Horsemen came out swinging. They spent 57% of their budget in the fifth-most expensive acquisition of all time, surpassing Neck-Fix's $563 spent on Zeke Elliot in week two of 2019 while falling just short of Monty's $625 on Zeke Elliot in week four 2020 & deCaPitated's $578 spent in week four of 2019 on Davante Adams. The biggest bid of all time remains a tie between week 6 2020 and week 6, 2021. Jethro's Glorious Team spent $700 on Tyreek Hill in 2020 and followed it up with the exact same bid for Travis Kelce a year later.
* Out of Luck had by far the most hilarious round of bidding. They put in one bid. Not on Joe Burrow. Not on Mark Andrews. Not on James Cook. Just one $8 bid for Tyler Allgeier.
* Never Done This Before has done it again. In 2021 they dropped $501 on Austin Ekeler, and now here we are two years later dropping $501 on Jahmyr Gibbs.
* $37 on a defense might be a ridiculous overpay, but they did drop 45 points.

## Excessive Spend

Bidding is not an exact science. But any excuse to have a new chart, I'm going to take it. So let's keep track of all the excessive spending by each team.

Excessive spend is anything over a single dollar more than the next highest bid for the player you won, and does not take into account the talent level or value of the player.

Excessive Spend
 Headless Horsemen
 Bobecue Chicken
 Henry VIII
 Müller Lite
 Jeff Probst' Tribe
 Tee Diggs my Chubb
 What Hurts Moore?
 Obi-Wan Mahomie

Maybe Scotty really hasn't done this before!?

## Money Spent Per Week

Headhunters continues to break records five years in. This week we broke the record for most money spent in a single week ($2,315). This breaks the previous record of $2,159 set in week 8 of 2021.

Money Spent Per Week

This was also the biggest week two in HH history, with nearly a thousand more spent than the year prior.

## Week Two Results

Really high scoring week, with five teams over 200 and a whopping seven teams between 170-180 points.

* Biggest Climber: Extra Tight Ends (^16)
* Biggest Faller: Out of Luck (v12)

## Draft Dodgers

Two eliminations from the same section of the draft. Should Bobecue and Horsemen be worried?

## Kings of the Castle

### 1. Extra Tight Ends

What a glow up! Second-to-last to first like you read about. I wish I could have a cousin like Kirky. Curious decision to roll with the abominable Toney in the Superflex instead of Cade Otton, whose 6 receptions could have made a huge difference in a close contest.

### 2. Al Snows Fav Squad

Old name, old tricks. Al is at it again. He dominates with QBs Jordan Love/Mac Jones, a combination that somehow outscored Horsemen's Lawrence/Burrow stack. Jerry Jeudy was the only starter who did not break 15 points.

### 3. What Hurts Moore?

Not much hurting this week, as Moore somehow has enough talent on his roster to bench Courtland Sutton and Romeo Dobbs while KVR is starting guys like Jake Funk. It remains to be seen how long Moore can last without another QB on the roster, but more guys are becoming available each week.

### 4. Monty's Python

Easily would have finished in first place had they swapped Ekeler for Mostert, but Monty starting an injured player and still scoring 200 doesn't support the narrative so we're sweeping it under the rug.

### 5. deCaPitated

The Robinson Boiz combined for over 66 points for CP, more than his QB combo of Watson and Stroud. RB depth is not an issue, but focus at WR and QB could be crucial over the next few weeks as the team has a ton of early byes.

## On the Chopping Block

### 16. Never Done This Before

Money doesn't buy happiness and apparently it doesn't buy you more than 155 points either. A huge day from the Geno/Lockett stack really bailed out a near disaster for Never Done This. Unfortunately, both of those players have week 5 off, so NDTB has some work to do if they want to survive.

### 15. Obi-Wan Mahomie

The force was weak with this one. Despite a good showing from Stafford and Mahomes, Obi struggles with sub-projection performances from four players and his defense. At least he has Zach Ertz until his inevitable injury three weeks from now.

### 14. Jethro's Glorious Team

You just know Jethro is getting ready to drop bank on Tyreek yet again, which should make this the nastiest WR corp in the league. Even without Tyreek, Jethro has the Glorious combo of Chase, CeeDee, and Mike Evans. Oh, and my guy Skyy Moore. Can't forget him.

### 13. Müller Lite

Things were getting spooky Monday night before Bryce Young and Adam Thielen preventing the Lites from going off on Müller. Still, major question marks at TE and this team certainly can't survive long with Curtis Samuel as their WR2.

### 12. Bobecue Chicken

Nathaniel Hackett is hard at work making sure that Breece Hall is completely underutilized, and Bob has also lost Barkley for the next three weeks. That puts them in a very tough situation early in the season, especially after they spent a ton of money to bring in Mark Andrew and James Cook. Luckily, both investments have already begun to pay off.

## Average Scores of Eliminated Teams

Average Scores of Eliminated Teams
 Hasta Laviska Baby

## Narrow Defeats

Margin of Defeat for Last Place Teams:

Margin of Defeat for Eliminated Teams
 Out of Luck

## Rulers of the Kingdom

2023 first place finishers:

Top Scorers by Week
 2

Extra Tight Ends with a huge 61.08 over projection to launch themselves to the top.

## Dungeon Dwellers

2023 teams that finished second-to-last, narrowly avoiding elimination:

Low Scorers by Week
 2

## Single Season Scoring Records

As teams get eliminated, their single season performance will appear here. Bolded lines indicate performances from the current season.

By the grace of the tight-end premium, Hasta avoids becoming the worst team in Headhunters history.

## All-Time Combined Points Scored

Same as above: eliminated teams will have their 2023 season added to the total. Bolded lines indicate that the record has been updated through 2023.

Out of Luck was one of several teams vying for the top spot in HH all-time points, but their early exit will likely plunge them out of the top three.