Poison Palava/Transcript

*(Episode begins at the Wikia Jail. In the hallway separating two walls of prison cells, Whickey, Kitchen, and Dyaboy use two swords each to fight prison guards. As they continue to cut down guards, their swords gradually break. Whickey’s right-hand sword, the last one, breaks as he fends off and knocks out the last guard. He goes up to a single cell and opens it. Inside is Luis.)*

Luis: You came back for me. You still did too.

Kitchen: Of course we did.

Whickey: And now we have a new plan. And we need all the help we can get.

Luis: I see.

Dyaboy: Now let’s get out of here before we get put in there, too.

*(Whickey takes a broken piece of a sword blade and cuts through Luis’ shackles. Together, they leave. The theme song plays, and after that, the scene cuts to the Spammers already in their lair.)*

Luis: So what is that plan you mentioned back at Wikia Jail? Just wondering. I still am too. Woo hoo.

Whickey: You probably didn’t expect *this* to be our plan, Luis, but.... we are going to poison the whole town of Wikia.

Luis: What?

Maps: That’s right. We are going to poison all the food and drinks.

Luis: All of the food and drinks?!

Maps: Yes. *All* of them. No exceptions.

Gyux: djghjhdfgjkh *(Subtitles: “But how exactly are we gonna do that?”)*

Kitchen: Yeah, how are we?

Whickey: Huh. Never thought about that...

Maps: Using some chemical substance.

Kitchen: Okay. But it must be quick.

Maps: Dyaboy and I will take care of it very quickly, right, Dya?

Dyaboy: Right!

Maps: And it will be super effective!

*(Maps and Dyaboy walk out of the scene to work on the chemical substance)*

Gyux: Deehukfc, heudzfmetwfgj! *(Subtitles: “This is a TV show, not a RPG!”)*

Kitchen: What does *that* mean? We aren’t in a TV show!

Whickey: *(Points at the “camera”, the viewer)* Then what’s with that camera?

Luis: Ugh, let’s just stop talking about this before we forget our plan. *(Monotone)* Woo hoo.

Whickey and Kitchen: Yeah, fair point.

Gyux: Fjghd, jkghdfgjkhdfgjkdhfgjk. *(Subtitles: “Yeah, fair point.”)*

Whickey: Wait, where did Dya and Maps go?

*(Kitchen, Gyux, and Luis look at Whickey with an “are you kidding me” face)*

Whickey: *(Realizes)* Oh yeah…

*(Scene cuts to Maps and Dyaboy working on the chemical substance)*

Dyaboy: We’re almost done!

Maps: Wow, didn’t expect us to be able to do it *this* quickly!

Dyaboy: Well, we are basically doing this at the speed of light!

*(They finish the chemical substance)*

Dyaboy: Aaaaand… done.

Maps: Let’s show it to our fellow Spammers!

*(Cuts to Maps and Dyaboy walking up to the other Spammers)*

Dyaboy: Look! It’s done!

Whickey: Let’s test it on *(grabs a burrito that has been left to be eaten)* this burrito, to make it *absolutely* certain it works.

*(Maps poisons the burrito, which turns green and rots.)*

Maps: *(Excited.)* It works!

Whickey: I guess we can complete our plan, then.

Kitchen: So, how are we going to get this to poison all of the water and food supplies?

*(Maps and Dyaboy stare at Kitchen with an "are you kidding me" face, then the latter facepalms.)*

Maps: Seriously, asking this question right after the burrito thing which happened right in front of you?! ...at times, I feel like Dyaboy and I are with a bunch of really, *really* dumb people!

Luis: Hey! I haven’t said anything! I still haven’t too!

Kitchen: And *I’m* just asking how you’ll get that poison to work on everything in town! That burrito was in your ownership, sure, but how will you get the poison in the *entire* water supply, let alone *all* of the food?!

Dyaboy: Easy. *(He pulls up a diagram on an easel. On it is a water tower with the word “Wikia” on it, with several lines connecting it with different houses, one looking like the Candle House.)* All of Wikia’s water comes from one place: the water tower. Poison the source, poison all the water.

Kitchen: And the food?

Whickey: Yeah, there’s no common source for that! Restaurants get their supplies elsewhere!

Maps: Easy. We poison all the restaurants, so no one can eat there. Then we hit the supermarket!

Luis: Good idea!

Gyux: Mejekdk’d sjeu ge! *(Subtitles: Let’s do it!)*

Kitchen: Yeah! Let’s do it!

*(Cuts straight to the Candle House, where Limefong sits on the couch watching The Grand Theft Show and eating pizza.)*

News Anchor: We interrupt this lazy dog’s day with BREAKING NEWS! The Spammers have poisoned all of the restaurants!

Interviewed Scientist: After running a diagnostic, we have discovered the Spammers created a new poison, then proceeded to fill all of the restaurants with them, Palpatine’s Pizzeria being hit the worst.

*(Limefong spits out his pizza, then throws the box out the window.)*

Limefong: No *wonder* it smelled funny when I went in there!

*(Now cuts to Baghead’s house, where he is watching the same broadcast.)*

News Anchor: Police officers have investigated the water tower, as well, and can confirm that the town’s water supply is also poisoned.

Baghead: Oh, no!

*(He goes over to his refrigerator, takes out a can of grape soda, opens it, sits down, and sips it.)*

Baghead: Eh.

*(Back to the Candle House, where all four Candle Friends watch the broadcast in horror.)*

News Anchor: We’ve also been told the poison has leaked into the air, so everyone must inside until further notice.

Shaduck: So we have no food…

Mystic: No water…

Candle Man: No air!

Everyone: What are we gonna do?!

*(Back to the Spammers’ lair, where they have a stockpile of food that is not poisoned.)*

News Anchor: We will be following this story until it is safe to eat, drink, and breathe again. Good night, and good news.

Dyaboy: I don’t remember planning on poisoning the air.

Maps: That was just a bonus.

Whickey: And the best part is, we can survive longer than everyone, because we prepared!

Luis: And no one can stop us!

*(Everyone starts laughing evilly. Cuts to the Candle Friends, who are trying to relax, but cannot help but think about what’s going on. Mystic, bored and partially claustrophobic, screams.)*

Mystic: For Galaxia’s sake, this is awful!

Candle Man: Well, if we just avoid any food, drink or water and even outside, we’ll be intact.

Shaduck: So you’re saying we stay inside until we go crazy?

Candle Man: We’re gonna have to for now.

Shaduck: I’m not gonna take this. I’m going.

Candle Man: Shaduck, no!

*(Shaduck walks to the door but Candle Man, Mystic, and Limefong throw themselves on him.)*

Shaduck: SQUA-

*(Mystic punches Shaduck.)*

Shaduck: Ow! GET OFF ME!!!

Limefong: Only if you promise not to go outside.

Shaduck: Alright fine, she will though.

Mystic: Wait, what?

*(Shaduck opens the door and throws Mystic out of the house, as a way to kill her, and then Shaduck shuts the door, locking Mystic out.)*

Shaduck: There, now I don’t have to deal with her.

*(Mystic pounds on the window.)*

Mystic: *(Muffled.)* SHADUCK, LET ME IN!!!

Candle Man: Let her in, Shaduck!

Shaduck: No! She’ll just have to fend for herself!

*(Meanwhile, Mystic holds her breath as she looks around outside. She takes out a switch and presses a button on it, giving her a helmet surrounding her head and an oxygen tank. She begins breathing again as she looks around. The sky is green. There is fog that is green too. The water tower has been knocked over, and plants are dying.)*

Mystic: Well, I’ve never seen anything like *this.* Maybe there’s a way we can get rid of this poison. But how?

*(She looks up at the sky.)*

Mystic: The poison in the sky should be flushed out by tomorrow, but that’s too far away. It’s 9:00 A.M!

Offscreen woman: Time is of the essence, yes, so come with us.

*(Mystic turns around, and sees the Queen of Wikia, 202, Baghead, and Palpatine. Palpatine, 202, and the queen all have masks on.)*

Mystic: What are you all doing out here?

Baghead: Looking for people who were outside when the air got poisoned. We’ve set up a temporary camp for those people, so come with us.

*(Mystic follows the rest of the group as they lead her to an abandoned warehouse. The warehouse has a poison-proof shield covering it, and inside are many people. Everyone gets inside.)*

Queen: Baghead, 202, look for more survivors.

*(They nod and leave.)*

Queen: Palpatine, thank you for the help, but I must talk with Mystic.

*(He also nods and leaves.)*

Queen: Mystic, I know of your history outside of the galaxy. Do you have any idea what we’re messing with?

Mystic: No, ma’am. In fact, I was trying to figure that out when you found me.

Queen: Hmm. Do you think you can bring your friends here?

Mystic: That, I can do.

Queen: Good. Bring them.

*(Finally, Mystic nods and leaves. Meanwhile, the other Candle Friends look outside, and watch the poison spread in terror.)*

Candle Man: Shaduck, why did you push Mystic out there?! She could be dead!

Shaduck: Trust me, she isn’t.

*(Mystic emerges from the fog, running toward the house.)*

Shaduck: See?

Mystic: *(At the door, muffled.)* Guys, let me in! It’s urgent!

Shaduck: No!

Candle Man and Limefong: YES!

*(They push Shaduck aside and let Mystic in.)*

Mystic: Guys, the Queen wants me to bring you guys to an abandoned warehouse.

Candle Man: What?

Mystic: Trust me!

*(Mystic puts a fishbowl on Candle Man’s head.)*

Shaduck: I don’t need one. I don’t have a nose.

Limefong: And I can use my telekinesis to move the poison out of my way.

Mystic: Then let’s go.

*(The Candle Friends run through the fog and follow Mystic as she takes them to the warehouse. They get inside and breathe heavily as Candle Man and Mystic remove their helmets.)*

Queen: Ah, you made it.

Shaduck: So, what’s all this about?

Queen: We thought you four might have an idea to get all this poison out of this town.

Limefong: Well, our biggest threat right now is the poisoned air, so we need to find a way to un-poison the air, and the rest will follow suit.

Mystic: But who could find out how?

*(The doors open, and 202 and Baghead enter, with TwoBrains on a stretcher.)*

202: We found her passed out in the park.

Baghead: TwoBrains, can you hear us?

*(TwoBrains opens her eyes, then blinks once or twice.)*

TwoBrains: Y-yeah. I’m… fine. TwoBrain was able to repel the poison long enough for you two to find me.

Candle Man: TwoBrains!

Shaduck: Do you know how to detoxify the air?

TwoBrains: I’d have to break down the poison to find out what repels it, but I don’t know how much time we have before this gets really bad.

*(Out of a window, everyone in the warehouse witnesses a bolt of lightning hit the ground, followed by the sound of thunder.)*

Baghead: Storm’s coming.

TwoBrains: Alright, it’s really bad now.

Candle Man: Then we need to hit this poison at the source: the Spammers. Limefong, can you push away enough poison to get us to the Spammers?

Limefong: No, I cannot.

Baghead: I can. The lair is not far from here. I’ll clear you a path, no problem.

Mystic: Let’s hope so.

*(Baghead leaves the warehouse and jumps onto the roof. Channeling the Force with a scream, he pushes the poison away to create a path that goes for several miles. The Candle Friends run out of the warehouse and down the path.)*

Baghead: I’ll have to stay here and keep the path clear, but I wish that the Force be with you during this journey.

Candle Man: Thanks, Bag. We owe you-

*(Shaduck puts a hand on Candle Man’s shoulder.)*

Shaduck: He’s concentrating too much to calculate how much we owe him. Come on.

*(Candle Man watches Baghead keep the path open, then turns around and runs down the path to catch up with the others. Scene changes to the Spammers’ lair, where everyone is eating from the stockpile.)*

Whickey: How long until the entirety of Wikia dies?

Dyaboy: Assuming everyone goes as planned, one week.

Whickey: Good.

*(He throws a chip into his mouth, suddenly, the doors to the lair bust open, causing Whickey to be startled and start choking. Kitchen gives him the heimlich, and all stand to face the Candle Friends.)*

Maps: *You* four again. How did you get here?

Shaduck: Help from an old friend.

Dyaboy: Would that be the old friend who was *actually* able to put us in jail?

Limefong: Yeah, so?

Whickey: All we’re saying is, you’re all pathetic, and won’t win this fight.

Mystic: We’ll see.

*(The two groups charge at each other, but suddenly cuts to the warehouse where TwoBrains is analyzing the poison. The Queen is with her.)*

Queen: I trust you are close to finding the antidote.

TwoBrains: Yes, I am, your majesty!

TwoBrain: TwoBrains, I have analyzed the poison and have pinpointed its antidote.

TwoBrains: Good, TwoBrain. What is it?

TwoBrain: Soda.

TwoBrains: *(To the Queen.)* He says it’s soda!

Queen: Of course! The carbonation must be able to trap the the poison using its bubbles!

*(She shouts to Baghead, who is still on the roof.)*

Queen: Baghead, spray the path with soda!!!

Baghead: Why?!

Queen: It’s the antidote!!!

Baghead: Oh!

*(With another hand, he uses the Force to grab a six pack of grape soda out of his fridge and take it to the warehouse. He shakes them up, opens them, and gradually releases his control over the path as the soda sprays over it. After fully releasing, he uses the Force to grab two more six packs and jumps off the roof, carrying them. He then charges through the fog, while using can after can to destroy the poison. Back to the Queen and TwoBrains, who stand before the poisoned air survivors.)*

Queen: I know that you all at least have one can of soda with you.

Civilian: Pfft, so?

TwoBrains: We need it so we can extinguish the poison fog. It’s the antidote!

Every Survivor: Ohhhhhhhh.

*(Everyone starts holding up their soda, and TwoBrains takes it all and carts it over to 202, who shakes up a can and throws it outside. Everyone watches as the poisoned air outside begins to deplete. Changes to the Candle Friends and the Spammers, who begin fighting.)*

Candle Man: Why are you trying to destroy Wikia? You live here!

Whickey: We’re trying to destroy everything and everyone *but* here, and we’re doing it because we like it!

Mystic: Still not right!

Maps: Doesn’t matter!

*(They continue fighting. Meanwhile, TwoBrains opens a can of soda and dumps it into the Wikia River, purifying it and making it ready for most of it  to be put into the water tower. 202 opens up shaken cans of soda and lets them rip in the supermarket and all of the closed restaurants. Back to the Candle Friends. Limefong has knocked down Gyux, and Mystic has taken down Kitchen. Candle Man is burning Whickey, and the others square up with the rest.)*

Shaduck: Call of the poison!

Dyaboy: Never!

Limefong: Okay, you asked for this!

*(Shaduck opens the doors to the lair, while Limefong draws up enough energy to put a poison-free bubble around them, and engulfing the Spammers in it, who gasp for air. Finally, Limefong pushes it all out the doors and Shaduck closes them.)*

Candle Man: Ready to surrender?

Luis: Reluctantly, but only if you let us go.

Mystic: Deal.

*(Limefong facepalms. Dyaboy walks over to a giant generator, which is making the poison. He shuts it off.)*

Dyaboy: There, no more poison.

Luis: Now get out before we kill you personally. We still can too.

*(The Candle Friends run outside, but are met with…)*

Shaduck: Clean air? Already?

TwoBrains: Of course!

*(She walks up.)*

TwoBrains: We found an antidote, and everything’s back to normal!

Limefong: Yay!

Queen: But now, all of this talk of soda has made me thirsty. I will go home and see what the king has in terms of beverages.

*(She leaves.)*

Shaduck: I’m a little thirsty, too…

Mystic: Let’s go home, too.

*(They go home and look in the fridge.)*

Candle Man: We have water and milk.

Shaduck: But I thought we had a lot of soda in there!

Mystic: Where’d it go?

*(Cuts to Baghead’s house, where he and C0F-3 chill on the couch sipping soda, while a stockpile of the remaining soda sits behind them.)*

Baghead: Grape or not, I intend to drink some soda!

*(He takes a sip. Episode ends.)*