Shape of You

*Todd plays "Shape of You" on the piano.*

***ED SHEERAN - SHAPE OF YOU***

***A pop song review***

**Todd**: Ed, what are you doing?

*Video for "Shape of You"*
**Ed**: Grab on my waist
And put that body on me
Come on now, follow my lead
**Todd**: I-I don't want a sex song from you, Ed!

**Ed**: I'm in love with the shape of you
**Todd (VO)**: Do you not realize you're, you know *[pic of Ed making a goofy face]* *that* Ed Sheeran?! Did you lose a bet? No one was like, "I bet Ed Sheeran's got a really good, freaky sex jam in him. He should write that."

**Ed**: And last night, you were in my room
And now my bedsheets smell like you
**Todd**: Ugghhhh.

**Ed**: I'm in love with your body
**Todd (VO)**: Okay, before we start analyzing the adventures of Ed Sheeran: sex-haver *[another pic of Ed, with the caption "I JUST HAD SEX!"]*, let me zoom way out here, 'cause there's this idea I've been batting around in my head.

**Todd**: See, I started reviewing pop songs around the start of the decade.

*Clips of Lady Gaga - "Bad Romance"...*
**Todd (VO)**: And that turned out to be good timing, 'cause the 2010s were a really strong time for *[...and Katy Perry - "Firework"]* pop music. And if you're thinking like, "well pop music is just what's popular, isn't *every* time a good time for pop music?"

**Todd**: Eh, not really. I mean, there's always pop songs, but that doesn't make it what people actually think about or remember, I mean...

*Clip of Nirvana - "Heart-Shaped Box"*
**Todd (VO)**: ...you think of the mid-90s, you're probably gonna think of Nirvana or Tupac before you think of Celine Dion or Ace of Base.

**Todd**: But the 2010s? Aw yeah, man.

*Clips of LMFAO ft. Lauren Bennett & GoonRock - "Party Rock Anthem"...*
**Todd (VO)**: Best decade for pop music since the 80s, and that brief blip in the late 90s. Even when it was shit, and it was awful shit, *[...and Pitbull ft. Ne-Yo, Afrojack & Nayer - "Give Me Everything"]* it was *dominant* shit, you couldn't not think about it. People asked me what it takes to become a successful pop music reviewer, and my answer is this: start in 2010, it's a gold mine.

**Todd**: Absolutely do not start now, 'cause... yeah, I think that's done.

*Clip of Twenty One Pilots - "Heathens"*
**Todd (VO)**: I look at the pop charts, and everything's just trending downward. Pop music doesn't have the power and force it used to, it sounds sickly and dying.

**Todd**: Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I mean I like *[album cover for* Viva Hate *by Morrissey]* sickly, dying music.

**Todd (VO)**: But my point is, it doesn't really feel big anymore. Not if we can have charts dominated by *[brief clips of "Bad and Boujee" by...]* Migos, which is not pop, *[..."I Don't Wanna Live Forever " by...]* or Zayn, which is grim, lifeless garbage pop, *[...and back to "Shape of You"]* or Ed over here, which is kinda both. He's a non-pop artist, doing a limp ass pop single, 'cause... 'cause, you know, new record, needed a single. I don't know what people are gonna think of when they look back at 2017, but I really don't think it's gonna be this.

**Ed**: I'm singin' like
Girl, you know I want your love
Your love was handmade for somebody like me
**Todd (VO)**: Yup. Again, that is Ed Sheeran, who looks like a grown-up *[pic of...]* Chuckie from *Rugrats*, singing about sex. Who the hell told him he should be trying to be a legit...

**Todd**: ...pop star? Who told him that's a good idea? *[beat]* Oh, right. Me.

*Clip from "*The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2014"
**Ed**: It's late in the evening
**Todd**: Congratulations Ed, you get the "most improved" trophy of 2014. Good on you, Ed. Keep it up.
**Todd (VO)**: Boy, there's a fairly sharp regret. Okay, I'm gonna...

**Todd**: ...have to try and backpedal here to explain why Ed Sheeran...

*Clip of "Sing"*
**Todd (VO)**: ...going pop was okay three years ago but it isn't now. First off, those songs were...

**Todd**: ...good, but this is bad.

*Back to "Shape of You"*
**Todd (VO)**: I honestly don't feel like I have to add to that. It's pretty self-evident, right? If I really had to quantify what he had back then that he doesn't now, here.

*Back to "Sing," where after a couple seconds, Todd points an arrow to...*
**Todd**: Yeah, that's right. Pharrell is...

**Todd (VO)**: ...such a good producer he made *Ed Sheeran* sound like Justin Timberlake. At the time I thought Ed Sheeran might deserve a little credit too, but...

**Todd**: ...nope. Turns out it was all Pharrell.

*Back to "Shape of You"*
**Todd (VO)**: It turns out Pharrell is not just a guy you replace with some jerkoff. Who did produce thi- *[Wikipedia article crediting Ed Sheeran as the producer]* Yeah, yeah. Naturally.

**Todd**: When you think hot beats, you need *this* mixmaster.

*Clip of Ed performing "Photograph"*
**Ed**: Lovin' can hurt
Lovin' can hurt...
**Todd**: Woooooooooooooo!

*Back to "Shape of You"*
**Todd (VO)**: The fact that he not only tried to write and sing, but produce a hot and spicy pop joint by himself? That's a pretty good sign of what went wrong here. The big problem is I think Ed Sheeran's starting to believe his own hype. *[back to "Sing"]* Besides Pharrell, Ed Sheeran had one other huge secret weapon in 2014.

**Todd**: Novelty!

**Todd (VO)**: The first time I heard this song I was like, "Whaaaa?! Ed Sheeran...

**Todd**: ...singing a dance song?" *[Clips of The Simpsons' monocle pop, The Genie's jaw drop, and the cabin freak out from* Airplane II - The Sequel*]*

*Back to "Shape of You"*
**Todd (VO)**: Now though?

**Todd**: Been there, done that.

**Todd (VO)**: If you wanna interest me now, make a...

**Todd**: ...death metal song or something. *[pic of Ed singing, accompanied by death metal guitars]* *Thinking ooouuuuuut looooooooooud!!!!*

**Todd (VO)**: It doesn't help that the beat is so weak. It's not like he usually makes songs like this and he's clearly not good at it. What made him want to make a song that sounds like this?

*Clip of an interview with BBC Radio*
**Ed**: ...a really random one, because I went in to write songs for, um, other people. And we were there, and we were writing this song, and I was like "This would really work for Rihanna."
**Todd**: Rihanna? *[beat]* Play it again. *[the opening notes of "Shape of You" play, as Todd sings...]* Dun dun-dun, dun dun-dun... *[...followed by the opening notes of "Cheap Thrills," which sound very similar.]*

**Sia**: Baby I don't need...
**Todd (VO)**: Wait a minute, that song was written for Rihanna too!

**Todd**: Apparently when you write a song with a 3-3-2 beat, it belongs to Rihanna by default.

**Todd (VO)**: *[singing, accompanied by clips of "Shape of You"...]* Dun dun-dun, *[..."Cheap Thrills"...]* dun dun-dun, *[...and Rihanna ft. Drake - "Work"]* dun dun-dun, dun dun-dun.

**Todd**: Okay, so when you say it would work for Rihanna, you mean you ripped off two of the biggest hits of last year.

*Intercut clips of "Cheap Thrills" and "Work"*
**Sia**: Come on, come on
**Todd (VO)**: Look those are both fun songs but they both have kind of dark sounding music. It gives Rihanna and Sia, much more interesting singers, something to push off against. "Cheap Thrills" is about finding a way to have a good time even when you're dead broke, and "Work" is a song about powering through overwhelming stress.

**Rihanna**: Recognize, I'm tryin'
Babe, I have to...
**Todd (VO)**: These are songs that use the downbeat-ness of 2016 to its advantage. *[back to "Shape of You"]* But Ed Sheeran isn't playing off anything like that to make it work. There's no contrast like that in "Shape of You". The lyrics just kind of sit there flat.

**Ed**: I'm in love with your body
**Todd (VO)**: You know. The, the lyrics which are about *[another goofy face pic]* Ed Sheeran having sex.

**Todd**: God, I don't wanna think about this. Can we--is there anything else we can look at first? Video! Video! Look at that video!

**Todd (VO)**: I mean look at that. I told you he was buying his own hype. Like I'm supposed to believe Ed goddamn Sheeran is this badass, hard-training prizefighter. In the "Sing" video he's a literal muppet because who would buy the real Ed Sheeran doing any of this stuff? But Ed Sheeran as a boxer?

**Todd**: It's like he's trying to be, uh...

*Clip of Maroon 5 - "One More Night"*
**Adam Levine**: Ooooooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
**Todd**: Oh no.

**Adam**: You and I go hard at each other
Like we're going to war
**Todd (VO)**: No wonder this sucks. You aren't Adam Levine, Sheeran, and it wouldn't even be a good thing if you were. At least Levine is buff enough to pull this off. He's basically an underwear model who occasionally sings now. *[another goofy pic of Ed]* Meanwhile, this is you.

*Back to "Shape of You"*
**Todd (VO)**: What makes you think you can pull this off? Why would anyone...

*In the video, Ed Sheeran is competing against a sumo wrestler, and is suddenly wearing the getup*
**Ed**: I'm in love with the shape of you
We push and pull like a magnet do
Although my heart is falling too
**Todd**: *[holding back]* Okay. Okay, you got me. You got me, Ed Sheeran.

**Todd (VO)**: That was, that was funny. That was pretty funny.

**Todd**: The song's still terrible.

**Todd (VO)**: Ugh, okay. We have to get into it. Let's talk about Ed Sheeran having... sex.

**Ed**: Grab on my waist and put that body on me
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, Rihanna *should* have sung this, because she's the kind of person who can sing about sex with authority. But Ed Sheeran can't stop from projecting his goofy, gomery, dorkwad self over everything...

**Todd**: ...so he just sounds kind of amazed that it even happened!

**Ed**: I'm in love with your body
And last night, you were in my room
**Todd**: *[giggling]* Hehe, a girl was in my bed last night. Heh, oh my god. Hehehe.

**Ed**: You were in my room
And now my bedsheets smell like you
*Todd sniffs his bedsheets and sighs*

**Todd (VO)**: I mean, it's just the attitude, it's not that the lyrics are bad.

**Ed**: Now I'm singin' like
"Girl you know I want your love
Your love was handmade for somebody like me"
**Todd (VO)**: Okay, the lyrics *are* bad. I-I'm sorry, this really bugs me. "Your love was 'handmade' for me."

**Ed**: Your love was handmade for somebody like me
**Todd**: Yeah, the word you're looking for, Ed, is "tailor-made," or possibly "custom-made." Those are the words that mean "made for a specific person."

**Todd (VO)**: I don't even know what "handmade" would mean in this context. Your love is quaint and artistically crafted like *[pic of...]* farmer's market marmalade?

**Todd**: *[shrugs]* Hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah...

**Todd (VO)**: ...it's not the wrongest word ever, but it's wrong enough to piss me off, especially when I'm listening to Ed goddamn Sheeran, whose whole appeal is that he's poetic and shit; he's supposed to be good with words!

**Todd**: *[sighs]* I don't know, maybe the verses are better.

**Ed**: The club isn't the best place to find a lover
So the bar is where I go
**Todd**: See? I agree. Clubs suck. Yeah, we're on the same page.

**Ed**: Take my hand, stop
Put Van the Man on the jukebox
And then we start to dance
**Todd**: Van the... you're talking about Van Morrison here.

*Vintage clip of Van Morrison performing.*
**Todd**: Okay? I-I I like Van Morrison. Don't think Van Morrison really...

**Todd (VO)**: ...adds to the vibe you're going for here. I can imagine dancing to Van Morrison but it looked more like...

*Clip of Thinking Out Loud*
**Ed:**Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars...
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah like that. Which is fine if that's what you're going for, I just don't see *[clip of...]* "Hey baby, let's get our freak on" out of Van Morrison!

**Todd**: OK, you danced, you screwed, what is the rest of the song about?

**Ed:** I'm in love with the shape of you
One weekend, we let the story begin
We're going out on our first date
**Todd**: *[chuckling]* Hey guys, I have a date! *[chuckling]* Oh my God.

**Ed**: You and me are thrifty so go all-you-can-eat
Fill up your bag and I fill up a plate
We talk for hours and hours about the sweet and the sour
And how your family is doing okay
**Todd**: *[beat]* That sounded miserable! No, excuse me...

**Todd (VO)**: That sounded *normal* and you manage to make a *normal* date sound miserable. It's a boring date with boring conversations followed by meaningless sex.

**Todd**: Why couldn't you make that sound even a little better?!

**Ed:** You and me are thrifty
So go all-you-can-eat
Fill up your bag and I fill up a plate
**Todd (VO)**: Real talk here, if I had a date with international superstar Ed Sheeran, and he took me to a cheap buffet, I'd feel ripped off. And what do you mean, "fill up your bag"? Is she emptying her plates in her purse? What are you, hobos?!

**Todd**: I've been broker than you'll ever be in your entire life, Ed, and even I didn't do that on a goddamn first date!

**Todd (VO)**: Okay, see, I go back on the Van Morrison line. Apparently that's the point when they realized Rihanna wasn't gonna sing this.

*Clip of BBC interview*

**Ed**: It's like "putting Van the Man on the jukebox"
And I was like "she's not *really* gonna sing that, is she?"
**Todd (VO)**: See, an actual artist would imply creativity and look outside themselves and make something that sounds like Rihanna if Rihanna was gonna sing it. But that's not Ed Sheeran's style apparently.

**Todd**: If he were a *rapper*, he'd just make something up. But because Ed Sheeran...

**Todd (VO):** ...is a folk singer, he's gonna tap into what's *true* and *real*. And apparently what happened in true reality is he hooked up with a woman he had mediocre chemistry with and they did all the mundane, soul-sucking things that single people do.

**Ed**: We talk for hours and hours about the sweet and the sour
And how your family is doing okay
**Todd**: Listening to that verse, I'm like "Jesus Christ, why does anybody date? Die alone? Oh yes, sign me up!"

**Todd (VO)**: Look, I know it's been #1 for weeks now, so obviously someone likes the thought of Ed Sheeran getting laid but as far as I'm concerned, this is a disaster. Ed Sheeran doesn't have the capability of writing freaky love-making soundtracks. He barely even tried. Even the singing sounds half-assed.

**Ed**: I'm in love with your body
(Come on be my baby) Hee...
**Todd**: "Oh right I have to say something for the big finish. Uh...uh... *hee-hee*?" *[shrugs]*

**Todd (VO)**: Look, Ed, I know you had to give the record company a single but this isn't you. Next time, please, for the love of God, write about your heart and not your dick, okay?

**Ed**: Although my heart is falling too...

**Todd**: *[huh]* Well goddamn it, Ed! Was this a sex song or not!? The hell you even doing here? Christ! Commit yourself!

*Gets up and leaves.*

**Ed**: I'm in love with your body
Everyday discovering something brand new
I'm in love with the shape of you.
*Closing Tag Song: "Gonna Fly Now" - Bill Conti*

***THE END***

***"Shape of You" is owned by Asylum Records***

***This video is owned by me***

***THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!***