External secant segment

It's always dainty before the storm

### Also Known As

external secant segment, external, shitcant, shitcunt, shitcunt sexpiss, the smegler, secant, Alex, Alexander, Peter, Segment, korekitten, the Sexcler, The Grand Vizier.

## Taphouse Information

### Campaigns

Group 13 (Asher), Kingdom Come (Reggie), Guardians of New York (Wilson), Legends of Arcadia (Aegeon, Finlos), Above the Stars (DM), Arkadia’s Fate (Istorian), Wayfinders (Apocryphos)

External Secant Segment (External) is a member of the Taphouse. He is frequently seen in VC with his beloved Angel. He says that he is the soul of the Taphouse, but many would say he is the heart. He is neither. His work includes many of the secret operations that lay beneath the under-workings of the server. He is a big fan of history, being mean, and D&D.

## Origin

Secant's origins are like many of the early members of the server, with a great exodus from a failing server. Happy's wrath upon the poor External was ruthless, often being punished and banned for arbitrary reasons. External was banned three times over the course of the Happy server lifetime, many times being brought back through a close friend, Tara. Through Tara, he joined several fragmentary successor servers that quickly faded out. Secant was mostly unhappy with experience with his luck in online D&D, until he got invited to the Tarrasque Taphouse on November 23rd, 2019. Through this, he kindled many friendships and sparked the rage of many enemies.

Despite joining early, he was not granted the role of Bartender, as there was deemed enough admins for such a small server. Despite this, External was still influential in the development of the Taphouse and played a main character in many of its large arcs (often as the villain).

## Appearance

Secant, as his contemporaries would describe him, is a freakishly tall creature who is deserving of contempt. In actuality, External is a tall White male of Anglo-Germanic descent with traces of Judean origins. He features unkept ashen blonde hair, although it is often seen browner due his grease. He also has glasses, due to his inferior genes and shitty eyes. He has large nose and shitty facial hair, attributes used as a point of ridicule by his attackers, many of whom are antisemitic. He is fairly thin as well, due to lack of dietary supplements, giving him the appearance of a haunting specter and a "weird sewage homunculus".

Secant has also been ridiculed for his "drip". His supposed lack of fashion sense has caused him to dress rather basically. Often featuring a nondescript t-shirt, often being a single monotone color, with straight blue jeans and a belt. This way of dressing has caused many attacks from his beloved, even though he does not comment on the fact that his boyfriend dresses like a mentally ill loser that never goes outside because that would be too mean. He would describe his "fit" as "lay-man" and "utilitarian".

## Personality

Secant would best be described as a friend first, an enemy second. Through his mentor, Ken, he learned the way of dominating a conversation through Ken's dark ways, granting him the power to find many secrets throughout the server, but less obvious and evil than Ken. He is an amicable individual but has gained him some very powerful enemies and villains. He is often a contrarian and a yes-man. He is a man of many masks and personalities. Never trust anything he ever says. Or do, I don't care.

He is quite villainous in general. Many of his bits are called "evil" and his character called similar to a "tormentor". He's been often accused of being a "gaslighter" and a "traitor". He denies most of these claims but most of these claims are extremely true. In general, any time External is voice chat, such as the "The Taphouse Floor" or "Hardcore Gaming", you will overall have an awful experience or like a really goofy one, I think. In presence of his former master, he comes a weak willed and meek goon.

## Weapons and Abilities

### Dark-Flame Blade

A 3-foot blade forged in the flames of the 6th circle of hell. A single slash from this blade causes the target's skin to erupt in boils, making them look really ugly. This blade was acquired by External through his expedition of the Lost Library of Orimallio post-cataclysm, which also granted his name of the Taphouse Lexicon due to his infinite knowledge and profound intellect. With this blade by his side, he vanquished many foes, but he made even more friend along the way. Notable victims of the blade are: The Loathsome Shammy, one of Shammy's quantum copies, Soob (although he survived with no effects, External suspects it's due to his Irish heritage), and Flame (confined to the depths).

### Light-Flame Blade (Former)

Lost by External during the Cataclysm. Has since be accrued by External's rival, Soob. Has the ability to cause the wielder to be beautiful. Also makes the wielder racist, but it's fine.

## The Hour of Beginning

### External's Rise to Power and Prominence (November 1917-March 2020)

External has begun to stick his roots into the server at its infancy, gripping it with his influence. The starting event of this was Shammy's many Minecraft servers. Through the late nights with Shammy, many hypotheticals were woven. With Shammy by his side, he had quite the ticket to successful socialization as Shammy was interwoven with many of the early members. He began to attend many D&D games and began building bonds with many of the server's member. The most prominent of the friendships was Jenny, as she was key to some of the largest games on the server. With this power trio, External, Jenny, and Shammy, these three became the most active people on the server.

As these developments were occurring on the server, a deep dark force began stirring beneath the holy ground of the server, an evil force whose vile name shall not be uttered, an event known as "The Cataclysm". Anyways, Ken joined the server a couple months after External through a game called For Honor, a fighting game featuring knights, Vikings, and samurai in a medieval setting. External at the time, had exclusively played on console and hadn't bought the game yet on PC. However, he did download the game after Ken's tempting. Through this game, Ken and External had begun to spark a powerful bond, one similar to a mentor and a teacher. His scheming with Ken had been mostly in the shadows at this point and his interactions were few and far in between, so many of Ken's many early antics were not attributed to the titular Secant.

Through both of these links, among a couple of other minor ones, every group in Taphouse knew of External, a few enjoyed him, a few feared him, all respected him. No one couldn't go through one vc without one conversation with the Secant. He was in nearly every game at this point and was on the server constantly.

### The Burnout Arc (March 2020-July 2020)

With this constant D&D games, the experience began to wear on External, as several games were low-quality. As such, he began to fall out of many campaigns (in between, starting a few campaigns that went nowhere, mostly due to his own thoughts). He was also experiencing major depression and anxiety issues at this time due to external factors in his life. As such, he began to stop hanging out with many of the supposed friends he had made, as he mostly stuck to Shammy and Ken, along with their friend groups. His role in the server had been diminished, but his legacy and traces of his tales still infected the server's groups to this very day.

However, due to the lack of stress around the discord and also because therapy is helpful, External quickly recovered and restored to his former glory. Although not as a former buddy, but now as more villainous and eviler due to Ken's teachings. As such, he became more an informant and a spy amongst the groups of the server, mainly for Ken.

### The Secant of the Golden Age (July 2020-Feburary 2021)

During this time, a Golden Age began throughout the server, with high quality campaigns and conversations happening, along with much humorous drama appearing. The Secant had one of the most prominent arcs during this server, with some of his favorite D&D characters as well as some of his greatest bits. During this time, the Group 13 campaign begun, as this was pivotal in the development of the server. Not necessarily the campaign itself, but those who were in the campaign. The most important pawns in this grand scheme were External, Ken, Skitty, and Jenny. Throughout this campaign, External and Ken became united against Skitty, who was currying the favor of Jenny.

With the campaign in the background, a storm was brewing. Through faulty communication and bad faith actors, Ken was banished along with all his goons by the admins. Due to Ken's playing in both External and Jenny's game, both were warned of Ken's impending doom. External mentioned a few points but was brushed aside due to his lack of mod status. However, due to his charming wit (begging and pleading), he was granted the power of mod-hood, as a bouncer, along with Jenny. Through this power he then used his charming wit once more (begging and pleading) to get unbanned and reinstated to his previous position.

Through increased influence due to being mod, he had gained even more weight through the server. Although, his role was not one of a full admin, but instead one of a "Bouncer". The Bouncer role had been a piece of contention for many months due to its weird limbo zone in being neither a regular member but nor a part of the admin team. Secant was one of these Bouncers who hated his distinguishment from being an admin, despite being more active than most of the bartender. This would always be a point of sore contention for the dear Secant, but his humiliation would not be for naught, as his revenge would be sweet and justified (see: The Grand Resignation). Through this power and Ken, he helped remove many vile villains from server, like Skitty, Kakashi, and others. The Secant left the Golden Age stronger in his position than ever.

## The Middle Times

### The External of the Silver Age (February 2021-April 2021)

External, like many members in the Silver Age, is categorized as a point of stagnation, but not decline. Many of the friend groups had receded back into their own campaigns and voice chats. The effects of Skitty and her aura of vileness were still felt even though she was gone. As such, many of the previous non-active members completed deserted the server and there were very few that joined the server at this point. As such, the only drama going on was interpersonal with in the main friend group of the server. Although none of it was directly related to External, often times it caused strife within the friend group. The distance between Jenny and the rest of the group was beginning to grow, although the effects were not quite felt yet. Despite this all, both his Taphouse experience and his own life were going fairly strong. He was finishing up senior year and felt decently happy. He had resolved the issue of college by deciding to go to community college because he is poor.

All of his games were going well, with both Kingdom Come and Group 13 being his favorites. Most of his time in the server was spent theory-crafting and character-building for hours on end with Shammy and Ken. Though this had the unintended effect of driving people out who were not in Group 13, such as Rocket. This is considered one of the better times of the server for D&D, where the games were exclusive, but fairly quality. Nothing really consequential happened during this time, but nothing bad happened either, so I guess that's pretty good.

### The Age of Blood and Iron (April 2021-August 2021)

This era is, as the name would imply, extremely bloody for most involved. Due to drama building over time, things became extremely tense within the server. The era officially began whenever Jenny declared her love with Angel. External, while knowing that the match wouldn't last long, he still wished the couple well. He did not know that this relationship would cripple the server, but nearly no one did. Due to an increase in Angel's own influence and Jenny's decrease in activity, this caused a torrent of drama as well. Although I would like to regale many of the events of this era within this article, this article is about external secant segment and him only. Although the effects of External were minimal at first, they began to build on him, becoming more stressed out within the confine of the server towards the end. He began to bond more with Angel due to his strife over his relationship with Jenny. During this time, Group 13 also fell out of his favor due to his character's supposed "lobotomization", so he became much more disconnected with the server in general. As such, this is the point that Secant became the most villainous he had ever been within the history of the world. He was poking all the sides of his opposition, as he effectively became the new Ken of the server, and he took his mantle with a fury unlike anything else. There were many burning bridges and very few building of said bridges. As his catchphrase states, "It's always dainty before the storm", and brother, he was no longer dainty.

During this time, Angel was broken up with Jenny and was left destitute in response. External, out of his pure and kind, but also like totally manipulative and evil soul, he comforted Angel during his time of need, along with Conor, Ken, and Shamrock. However, External had always had somewhat of feeling for Angel, but never expressed them until this point. After learning that Angel self-reportedly had gained enough stability to begin to date again and declared that he had a crush on somebody but was unsure if they felt the same way. With that information, External decided to shoot his shot and asked Angel out on 9:14AM, July 24th, 2021. After 30 God-forsaken minutes, Angel finally responded and accepted the confession and reciprocated feelings as well. Although this sparked interest, they didn't begin dating until July 27th, a day that External always gets wrong. This relationship carried on past this arc.

External also graduated high school at this point, began to learn how to drive, began community college. However, a lot of things his offline life also contributed much stress. He lost most of his offline buddies at this point since they betrayed him and nearly all (and this isn't an exaggeration) went to A&M College to be brainwashed. He also moved houses, was falsely diagnosed with bipolar schizophrenia, and had extremely issues with sleeping. There were many highs and lows during this period that influenced External's mood during this time.

## The Death and Rebirthing

### The Great Plateau (August 2021-January 2022)

This is another era denoted by its overall stagnation. The server had reached almost half a year since a random member had joined at this point. Most of the games were beginning to lose their spark and the server wasn't very active (Although, do note that the server still had daily vc chats, just note that they were not as large). However, External's path during this point was overall positive. His relationship was going strong, and he passed his classes for the semester, but besides that, nothing of note had happened during the early stages of this era. A couple dramas here and there, but nothing too large. Most of us were content staying as a friend group and nearly no one made any moves to change that. The only notable member that had joined was one of Quest's friends and a soon-to-be rival of External, Soob. This is one of the leading bits in-between Soob and External occurs, one an Irishman and one a Jew, who both form race-based humor around each other. In actuality, they are both just Americans that come from primarily British descent, with hints of their supposed ethnicity. They are both LARPers.

A recent development has occurred within Angel's and External's relationship. External had bought a plane ticket to Philadelphia and flew out to see him over Christmas Day. However, during this time, he had gotten sick with the Omicron Variant Coronavirus, but he spent a bunch of money, so he just decided to fly anyways. Ironically, this had proven Angel's mother's prophecy correct in which is tells: "Your boyfriend will get you sick with 10 million STDs and also get you pregnant and he will run away to Texas", as Angel also probably got sick with Coronavirus. Still, they both enjoyed each other's company very much and spent the week mostly holding hands and cuddling and kissing. He did not get Angel pregnant as his dad threatened to cut off his dick and balls if he did. Angel painted his nails and gave him hickeys. External gave him a gift from his mom and also gave him bruises (violence occurred).

However, with External out of the picture for now, distracted by his own heart, he was not able to protect Taphouse from evil. He accidentally caused a minor scene with a person that shall not be named here, which caused them to directly alert all the mods above External. He was really pissed off! But what pissed himself off even more was there was a secret baby-eating cabal who were plotting against him, which he learned from Shammy, who was also part of cabal, but he didn't eat babies to External's knowledge. The lead baby-eater and person who want to squeeze out the life of the Taphouse was Viper. External, along with Ken and Shammy, lead their righteous holy crusade against the demonic elite. What actually happened was complaining at Viper to stop being a nonce and get their head out of their ass. External thought that was that and Viper would come to their senses and would drop the idea. External was enjoying a lovely Pho dinner with his beloved, which tasted like shit due to bad broth, but suddenly tragedy struck. Viper had left the server and left a massive resignation letter.

### The Exaltation (January 2022-Now)

A staff meeting was held shortly after this to discuss issues and thoughts within the resignation letter. The staff had come to the collective idea that Viper was being silly and melodramatic, however they needed to make some changes. Within these changes are three big ones for the Secant. Firstly, the bouncer caste would be no more, and every mod would become an admin. This was massive to External, his birthright, his rightful throne was finally being returned to him, along with the culling of those not suited for the job. Secondly, the server began to open up more as member began flooding in. With this, new dramas would appear, a fertile ground for External to resume operations. Third off, he was assigned the role of "Server Fed", to monitor member relations and get any stinkers out of here. His former master, now equal, was also assigned the same role. To be honest, that happened anyways and was going to continue this way, but now he is official in that regard.

This is up to the current point in the timeline.

## The Side Stories

Many of the stories that shape External's character could not be told within the context of the grand overarching, magnificent journey, but are still either funny or evil enough to be told. Many of these are either bits or minor story arcs.

### KoreKitten and the Infiltration of Storytime

External and Ken's hatred for the Storytime was ever burning. Ken had always been a spy within the server, along with a couple of members of Taphouse. Even though the many of links had been mostly severed in-between Taphouse and Storytime, there were still some remnants to root out. SO, External, the mastermind manipulator, came up with a plan. Make an e-girl sock puppet account, join the Storytime as a friend of Ken, infiltrate long enough to gain their confidence, turn on the webcam and reveal it to be External in a wig. A simple pan. Both Ken and External helped extend the bit, with a voice changer software (which was basically malware) and a Spotify playlist. However, the main issue was that External actually had to interact with the "people" of Storytime, which even the master of many masks could not handle. He couldn't help himself and the bit quickly devolved into arguing with many other members. The main "people" that he targeted with Kore was Jacob and Liz (and also Skitty, but they weren't active around this time), both vile wretches beyond repair. The stereotypical self-diagnosed mental ill vermin that populated Storytime. Various arguments occurred and while it was entertaining for External, the bit really didn't pay off as well as expected. A massive argument had sparked out, which soon ending in the banning of Angel, Ken, and the External sock puppet. The bit was mostly over and External got very diminishing returns. That was, until a certain member of Storytime had leaked information to the rest of the server. Then, the bit had exceptional returns, as the resulting outrage from the server made it exceedingly hilarious. There was even an interviewing process, which ranged from asking what was motive to calling External a "manipulator", which he relished deeply.

### Peter

During the era of the Silver Age, External had an especially bad issue with his sleep schedule. He stood up multiple nights in a row through his energy drink abuse and this was one of those nights. He had been up for 30 hours at this point and had finished a game of Group 13. He was in VC with Ken and Conor while extremely sleep deprived. At this point he was delirious and Shammy was urging him to go to bed, however Conor and Ken had begun a harassment campaign and assaulting External with bathroom-related questions, as well as calling him "Sissy Peter". He was upset over this because he was a soft bitch. He later approached Ken and told him he was uncomfortable with the bit. He has since grown past that and would think the bit is funny now. He has become calloused beyond recognition.