It's All Relative!/Transcript

The full verbal transcript of the episode.

## Script

*(The episode begins in the kitchen of Weaver House. Carl, Sarah, Zelda and Hilda are telling stories about their days while eating a dinner of jambalaya and cornbread that Zelda made. Carl is finishing his story about how he and his friends managed to help a Bowtruckle while holding it properly.)*

**Carl:**...And that is why using what you learned in Care of Magical Creatures really pays off in everyday life. Aunt Hilda, you taught me well!

**Hilda:**(blushing) Awww, shucks, you're making me blush!

**Zelda:**Sarah, tell us what you did today.

**Sarah:**Belinda and I went to the mall today and got 10¢ Smile Dip Rainbow Packs on sale!

**Zelda:**And how much did you eat?

**Sarah:**The usual.

**Zelda:**(leans toward Hilda's ear and whispers into it) Probably bleventeen again...

**Sarah:**I mean, I could taste cherry, orange, lemon, lime, blue raspberry, blueberry and grape all at the same time!

**Zelda:**Aaaaanyhoo...we have a surprise announcement for you two!

**Sarah:**(leans to Carl's ear and whispers into it) I love surprises! Don't you, big bro?

**Carl:**Yeah.

**Hilda:**We got a call from our friends that have our names, and they told us that Greendale Middle School in the Muggle World is going to be on spring break starting tomorrow!

**Sarah:**That's cool... So, what does that mean?

**Zelda:**Meaning... (drumroll starts) you're gonna get a visit from... (drumroll ends) the one and only Sabrina Spellman!

**Carl:**AWESOME!!! We can talk about spells, and play on my PS4, and...

**Sarah:**Sabrina?!?!?! We're getting a visit from a STRANGER?!?!?!

**Zelda:**Sarah, Sabrina is not a stranger. You were with her when you two were younger, so you'll probably be excited to see her again!

**Sarah:**Well, I think she might be really ugly!! I'm going to bed!

*(Sarah stomps up the stairs and slams the door to her room. She then waves her hands and rhymes up an incantation.)*

**Sarah:**Door, keep others out with a lock

That will only open when they knock.

*(A few hours later, Sarah is lying in bed in her persimmon nightie. Her door knocks.)*

**Sarah:**Enter...

*(Zelda comes in the door in her bathrobe. She looks worried about her niece.)*

**Zelda:**Sarah, you still flustered? This isn't like you...

**Sarah:** I just was just not happy that Sabrina's coming here, that's all! She could have warts for all I know!

**Zelda:** No, silly! You'll see her tomorrow morning, okay?

**Sarah:** Okay, then... See you in the morning...

(Commercial break)

(*The next morning, Sarah wakes up and yawns. She puts her slippers on and sits on her bed.)*

**Zelda:** Sarah! Breakfast!

**Sarah:** Man, I’m so hungry... (*She trudges down the stairs, not wanting to come down. The family is already sitting at the breakfast table eating donuts and coffee for Zelda, Hilda and Carl, or milk for Sarah and Sabrina.*)

**Zelda:** I think I understand that.

**Hilda:** Zelda, we got a word from Hilda Spellman and Zelda Spellman. They are visiting us.

**Zelda:** What about Salem Saberhagen or Quigley?

**Hilda:** Salem is coming, but Quigley is going to a friend's house because he's a Muggle.

**Carl:** Hey, Brina here is half-Muggle, and she can visit.

(*Sarah trudges into the kitchen. She looks surprised at what she sees.*)

**Sabrina:** Morning, Sarah! Nice to see you again!

**Sarah:** Sabrina, you don't have warts! You're not an ugly witch, you're wonderful!! (*The two embrace.*)

**Zelda:** Good to see my girls getting along! (*opening the donut box and offering Hilda some*) What kind do you want, Hildegard?

**Hilda:** How about that chocolate creme stick and a lemon-filled?

**Zelda:** How about you, Carl, sweetie?

**Carl:** The custard-filled and raspberry-filled?

**Zelda:** And you, Sarah?

**Sarah:**I think the creme-filled star with pink frosting and the blueberry paçzki will be good.

**Zelda:** Brina?

**Sabrina:** I'll take the chocolate paçzki and a chocolate creme stick, thank you.

(*Everyone munches on breakfast. After breakfast and changing into clothes, Sabrina shows her cousin a photo of the two on Uncle Quig's couch making silly faces.*)

**Sabrina:**Don't you remember this? We used to look like sisters!

**Sarah:**And we kinda still do.

**Sabrina:**(*looking on Sarah's closet at her sweaters*) Wow, you have more sweaters than my math tutor, and she's in college!

**Sarah:**Wanna have this one? (*hands her a yellow sweater made of llama wool*) I have a pink llama sweater, and it is soooo cozy!

**Sabrina:**I'll put it in my trunk later. When my aunts get here, they're each gonna give a present to you and your brother.

**Sarah:**Ooooh, what are they?

**Sabrina:**If I told you, it would ruin the surprise!

**Sarah:**If you tell me, I'll still act surprised!

**Sabrina:**(*laughs*) You are such a naughty girl! But I'm not telling you a thing. You'll find out when my Zelda and Hilda give you the gifts.

(*Carl pops in the room.*)

**Carl:** Sabrina**, I** watch Sabrina Magical Adventure on YouTube and I hope you watch it. And I even played it, too!

**Sabrina:** I guess I should see it another time, but thank you. And I'm aware they made video games about me.

**Carl:**They must've given you a contract like mine when I was made a game like that where they yeah you educational things. (*Pulls out his contract for his learning game*.) "We, the characters, hereby agree to give Knowledge Adventure all proceeds from game earnings, endorsement fees, broadcast royalties, syndication residuals, spell sponsorships, mall appearance fees, trading card assets, fast food tie-ins, use of likeness rights, talk show deals, clothing lines, all print rights including book, novella, comic, pamphlet, ticker tape, neon signs and bathroom graffiti designs, (*heaves deep breath*) toy rights, shoe lines, mood rings, game rights, cartoon rights -(*turns to look at the audience with a weird look on his face*) CARTOON RIGHTS?! I AM AWARE WE'RE IN A CARTOON!!-vitamin endorsements, city kickbacks, movie deals and of course, all death and dismemberment accident insurance claims. (*heaves a sigh of relief*)

**Sabrina:**Yep, I got one of those.

**Carl:**(*looking at two boxes that have their names on them*) What's in the boxes, Brina?

**Sabrina:**They're my presents to you two. Open them; you'll find they're sweet!

(*Carl and Sarah open their presents from Sabrina.Itturns out to be candy, the wizarding kind.)*

**Carl:**Wow, Sabrina! Jelly Slugs? Wiccan Pops? Chocolate Frogs?

**Sarah:**Mmm-mmm! Ultimate Bubblegum! Sugar Brooms! Choco Cauldrons and Every Flavor Jellybeans!

**Sabrina:**You wanna be careful with those. When they say every flavor, they mean every flavor. Y'know, there's the normal stuff like apple, peach, chocolate or peppermint, but then you can get spinach, liver, haggis and pepper. Aunt Hilda said she once had a booger-flavored one. (*She pops a green one in her mouth and spits it back out*) Blecch...see? Grass!

(*The kids have a great time playing with the jellybeans. Carl even gets a horseradish-flavored one, and spits it back out, saying he hates horseradish.*)

**Carl:** Hey Sabrina, have your aunts told you about Sun Kingdom, Moon Kingdom, and Star Kingdom?

**Sabrina:** Well, I've heard of those kingdoms before. Why?

**Carl:** Just curious. (*The three hear a knock at the door.*) What was that?

**Sarah:** Just the front door, big bro.

**Carl:** Who's at the door, anyway?

**Hilda:** (off-screen) I'll get it!

(*She opens the door. It turns out to be Hiram and Josh, who have their bass and drumsticks, respectively.*)

**Hiram:**​​​​Hilda, is your nephew home, dude?

**Hilda:**Yeah...(*calls up the stairs*) Carl! Your friends are here!

**Carl:**Oh! Looks like the boys got here, and I can show you what we do I at this time, cousin!

**Sabrina:**Okay...what do you do?

**Carl:**Just wait and see, Brina.

(*Scene cuts to the boys and girls in the garage, where they set up their band equipment.*)

**Sabrina:**So let me get this straight...you three are a rock band called Mustache Cashtache, and you can play songs everyone should know?

**Carl:**Yup! See if you can guess which songs we're playing, and by whom. Gimme a beat Josh!

(*The boys play the riff of "Smoke on the Water."* )

**Sabrina:**That was Deep Purple, "Smoke on the Water!"

**Carl:**Good! Now this one...

(*The boys play the main riff of "Sweet Child O Mine."* )

**Sabrina:**"Sweet Child O Mine, " by Guns N' Roses!

**Carl:**Terrific! Now we saved this one just for you!

(*The boys play the theme song of Sabrina Magical Adventure, which is also the credits theme for The New Adventures of Sabrina: The Animated Series.*)

**Sabrina:**That's the theme song from my computer game! And it's also used in the credits for my New Adventures show.

**Carl:**Well done! Anyway, dinner will probably be soon, and I think I just heard your aunts pull up...

**Sarah:**(*sniffing the black smoke coming into the garage*) Do you guys smell something funny?

**Carl:**(*inhaling*) No, but I smell something burning...

**Hilda:**(*off-screen*) DINNER'S BURNING!!!

**Carl:**I know what to do! Sarah, squirt gun!

(*The two full their squirt guns with the hose on the side of the house. They then dash into the kitchen.*)

**Zelda:**Oh dear! Perfectly good lasagna, burnt to a crisp! Help!

**Carl:**Don't worry, Aunt Zelda and Aunt Hilda! I'll save you!

(*Carl starts using his squirt gun on the burnt places, and then lands one right smack dab on Hilda Spellman's forehead. From now on, to help differentiate the two Zeldas and Hildas, Zelda and Hilda Spellman's names will be italicized before their lines, while Zelda and Hilda Weaver's will not.*)

***Hilda:***Bullseye!

**Carl:**Whoa, Hilda Spellman! There you are!

***Zelda:***You can call us Zelda 2 and Hilda 2 if you want, because here, we're the second ones.

**Zelda:**So, what can we order if the lasagna is burnt?

**Sabrina:**Don't worry, Zelda 1! Dinner tonight is on...(*pulls her credit card from her wallet in her skirt pocket*) ME!! And Sarah gets to pick where we go!

**Sarah:**I was thinking maybe tonight we could have Arby's! There's one in Corona!

**Carl:**Sounds radical!

(*Scene cuts to dinnertime, where the family is eating he Arby's sandeiches, curly fries and drinks they ordered.*)

***Hilda:***Eww! Who *likes* Horsey Sauce?I

**Hilda:**Me! (*opens a packet and squirts some on her Beef 'n cheddar sandwich*)

**Carl:**Tomorrow, Sabrina, I'll introduce you to our friend LeAnn. She's the librarian at the Golden Sun Library, and a good friend of this family.

**Sabrina:**And I'd just love to meet her! (*munches on her Loaded Italian sandwich*)

(Commercial Break)

(*After commercials, it is now bedtime and while Zelda and Hilda Spellman are sleeping in the guest room, Sabrina got a choice of one room to sleep in for the week, and she chose Carl's bed. Carl is in his bathrobe and night clothes, while Sabrina is in her night clothes, and they are getting ready for bed, as Hilda Weaver ends their bedtime story.*)

**Hilda:**...and so Rapunzel and Flynn lived happily ever after! The end.

**Sabrina:**Wow! You even left in the part where Flynn gets blinded from the original fairy tale!

**Carl:**That's how the old fairy tales were, Brina.

**Hilda:**Well, good night! (*kisses her nephew and distant niece on the cheek and tucks them in*.)

*(The next morning*, *Carl* *and* *Sabrina* *are* *asleep, and a black cat in a bathrobe shows up snickering. He honks an airhorn, waking the two up.*)

**Salem:**(*in baby talk*) Did two kiddy-widdies have a nice sleepy-weepy?

**Sabrina:**It was fine until the akey-wakey from the witty-kitty! Carl, have you met Salem Saberhagen yet?

**Carl:**Yeah, I know who he is. Salem, no more of that honking...

**Salem:**Well, your aunts did say Saturday is Library Day. So let's get some breakfast!

(*When everyone comes to the table, they are in their pajamas/bathrobes. Zelda Weaver is making a big breakfast full of cool food.*)

**Zelda:**This breakfast is a truly full-fledged, filling experience! We have pancakes, waffles, French toast, eggs, bacon, sausage, scrapple, hashbrowns and orange juice! Enjoy!

***Zelda:***Mmm, Zelda 1, you are a WAY better cook than myself, Hilda and Quigley combined!

**Hilda:**How is Quigley with his Muggle friends?

***Hilda:***Oh, he's fine, and about to get a new job, leaving Zelda in charge of the house.

**Sabrina:**So, what's this LeAnn like?

**Sarah:**You'll learn to love her! She's very funny and very wise, and she bakes great cookies, cakes and pies!

(*Scene cuts to the kids walking to the library, and going inside to meet LeAnn.*)

**Sabrina:**Nice to meet you, LeAnn. My name is Sabrina Spellman.

**LeAnn:**Well is nice to meet you too my dear.

(*Soon, LeAnn and Sabrina are engaging in a nice conversation about work.*)

**Sabrina:** So you like working here?

**LeAnn:** I love working here.

**Sabrina:** And I heard you watched my video games and show? Cousin said so himself.

**LeAnn:** But of course! Now, here's those books and DVD's you wanted.

**Sabrina:** Thanks, LeAnn! Now I can learn to brew potions, make new spell recipes and lots of other stuff too!

**LeAnn:** I hope you don’t lose Dream Come True Amulet again like your game...

**Sabrina:**Oh, I left *that*at home with my aunts. And they didn't bring it with them, either...

**LeAnn:**That's good to hear! You know what happens if that thing falls into the wrong hands...

**Sabrina:** Yep, bad things happen! See you next time!

**LeAnn:** Goodbye, my princess!

(*Sabrina catches up to her cousins and looks at what they have.*)

**Carl:** Can you believe that the library had a few Itchy and Scratchy DVD's?! I love this show!!

**Sarah:** Itchy and Scratchy are the best in the world!

**Sabrina:** Carl, who's that on the cover of that book?

**Carl:** That's Zhan Tiri. Sarah and I don't like a demon like him.

**Sarah:** He's so pushy.

**Carl:** And hairy!

**Sarah:** And stinky!!

**Carl:** And man, is he...

**Carl and Sarah:** UUUUUUGGGGLY!!! (*they laugh*)

**Sabrina:** Gee, this Zhan Tiri guy sure sounds powerful!

**Sarah:** Tell me about it! Just mention the name and I shudder!

**Carl:** Zhan Tiri!

**Sarah:** (*shudders*) Do it again!

**Carl:** Zhan Tiri!!

**Sarah:** (*shudders again*)

**Carl:** ZHAN TIRI, ZHAN TIRI, ZHAN TIRI!!!!!!

**Sarah:** And it tingles me!

**Sabrina:** I heard about the Sundrop Flower and the Moonstone Opal.

**LeAnn:** Hi guys sorry for butting in but, I hope Sabrina might know Zhan Tiri wants the Sundrop and Moonstone to take over the world.

**Sabrina:** Does that demon want the Starstone or Stardrop? Or the Sunstone or Moondrop?

**LeAnn:** Well, yes... Anyway, I gotta get back to work. (*She exits.*)

(Commercial Break)

(*After commercials, Sabrina and her cousins are discussing where to go for lunch today.*)

**Sabrina:** So how about sushi and other Japanese delights at the mall's Japanese reataurant called Nagoya?

**Salem:** Did somebody say sushi? I love that stuff!

**Carl:** Salem, you know cats aren't allowed at Nagoya unless they have been wizards or witches once!

**Salem:** You do realize I was a warlock once, right? Anyway, I got us all kimonos to get by the strict dress code there. (*Hands Carl a purple kimono decorated with leaves, Sarah an orange one with flowers and Sabrina a pink one with flowers and chopsticks. He puts his own maroon one on.*)

**Carl:** And I know you like sashimi tuna, kitty cat! By the way, Salem, you ever hear of Zhan Tiri, Sundrop, Sunstone, Moondrop, Moonstone, Stardrop or Starstone?

**Salem:** Yes I have. Why do you ask?

**Carl:** Well, you ARE 800, despote being a cat, so I assumed you knew.

**Salem:** I do. So let's get in; all four aunts are in here too.

(*The four walk into Nagoya, where the Japanese girl stops them.*)

**Waitress:** Hello, four in party?

**Carl:** Yes.

**Waitress:** I'll be with you shortly...

(*The four sit at a table, where Carl sees both Zeldas and both Hildas are in the bar section.*)

**Carl:** Other Zelda! Other Hilda! Get outta the bar! My Zelda and Hilda, you are excused; both of you are in your 30's. Other Zelda and Hilda, you two are only 16 years old, so you can't be in the bar section!

**Hilda.S:** But We 600 years old.

**Carl:** Prove it! I can prove I'm fourteen! (*pulls out his Wizarding License and reads from it*) Hair: Brown, Eyes: Brown, Species: Human Wizard...AHA! Age: 14! Read it!

**Sarah:** And my license says I'm 12; I'll be 13 next February and will get my wand!

**Carl:** So where's your licenses, Other Zelda and Other Hilda? I want you to prove you're both 600; my Aunt Zelda is 36 and my Aunt Hilda is 32. I read their licenses...

**Zelda W:** Those licenses are none of his business! But I am 36; I was born on September 17, 1977, which makes me a Virgo like LeAnn. And for my Chinese Zodiac, I'm a snake.

**Hilda W:** And I was born on April 21, 1981, so I'm a Taurus AND a rooster. Our neffy-poo is a Libra and a rabbit, and our niecy-poo is an Aquarius and a horse.

(*Suddenly, LeAnn shows up in her kimono to have lunch with the group.*)