recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Married To The Sea

A live episode recorded for the Rude Tales of Magic Patreon. It's contents were a secret known only to donors, apart from that it involves pirates and someone getting a gun. A teaser was posted on January 30th, 2020. It was later released on 3/24 to the public on the main site.

The story is neither canon nor non-canon to the main story. Grow up.

## Summary

The party pops out of barrels, apparently having stowed away on a pirate ship named The Lusty Conversation. The ship's cook Hesky Asmar discovers them and tells them he's fine with it as long as they side with him in the upcoming mutiny. While Hesky gets them some food, the party leaves to investigate the ship and learn more about what's going on. They bluff their way into passing as auditors on the ship, effectively taking charge of things as they learn about the crew and the ship.

They discover that the ship's captain Twice-Damned Regina has been throwing their food overboard, one of the main causes of the mutiny. When Stirfry backflips off the ship and lands in the ocean, he is rescued by mermaids. Cordelia communicates with them using Speak With Animals and discovers that Regina was throwing them food because she's lonely and wants a partner. The mermaids explain that they have no interest in having a partner as they have no concept or desire for such a pairing.

The crew explores the ship and crew, meeting with Andreas Redchapel (the ship's pope) and Beavis Palisades (the ship's inventor). The gnome explains that he is worried about whose side he joins because he assumes that they'll win. His reasoning is that he has a fully functional modern glock. He attempts to show the party by shooting Stirfry, but the recoil throws him across the room, missing and killing himself instead. Frederick claims the gun for himself and begins to wield it around the ship as he becomes addicted to its power.

Before the crew can resolve the captain's lovelife, the mutiny breaks out. The party rushes out to intervene when a leviathan begins attacking the ship, attracted by the excess food being thrown overboard. Cordelia manages to paralyze it with her roar and the party convinces it to consider marrying the captain. They try to explain the concept of marriage to it but the leviathan, but when it learns about God it decides to marry god instead (as something "bigger than itself"). The offer to become a priest becomes the next best thing and Redchapel agrees to ordain the leviathan. Albee suggests that he bless the entire ocean to baptize the leviathan, so Redchapel sacrifices himself to do so. The mermaids are saved by Catholicism and the leviathan marries one of the mermaids to Regina.

## Link

https://rudetalesofmagic.simplecast.com/episodes/rude-tales-of-magic-presents-married-to-the-sea-live-at-union-hall
Lexus Infinity

A high-elf in naval officer attire and vice-captain of The S.S. Bad News. He is entirely hairless and detests hair itself, but longs to be bitten.

He meets with the party when they board the cursed vessel, helping explain how it works and warning them against disturbing the captain. The party tries to play matchmaker between him and Captain Buddy Badnews, but Lexus insists it's an entirely non-sexual admiration. When Cordelia becomes frustrated with how to escape the ship, she bites Lexus. He describes it as the best and worst moment of his life, losing his mind and fleeing to the captain.
Old Glove

Torrin's pet mouse. She speaks to him without knowing if he can understand her, but in the final episode, he responds to her in his own accented English. He tends to hide on her person without being noticed.

Old Glove is called upon in Come At the King: The Final Chapter. Torrin sends him to distract Amber-Ale Assembleaux, sneaking into his mechanical parts while they are captured. She signals him to "pull the plug," opening Mecha-Ale's chestplate to expose his heart.

Old Glove says it was an honor to serve Torrin just before doing his final task. Torrin says that she loves him, but Old Glove simply says "thanks" in reply, offending her. He is not seen after the collapse of Amber-Ale.
Scrum's Theme

A song sung at Scrum’s Pad by an unknown but beautiful creatures. It plays in All the Little Ants in celebration of Scrum Fabulous' birthday before the singer is immediately destroyed. Ben Kling arranged and produced the song with Rachel Wenitsky singing. The words and melody were originally done by Tim Platt and Branson Reese.

## Lyrics

*You are Scrum! Scrum Fabulous!*

*You're a man who god calls king!*

*You're worth your weight in golden bars and your weight's no paltry thing!*

*You taught the pope forgiveness! You lease out wedding rings*

*You are Scrum! Scrum Fabulous!*

*If it lacks, then out you rent it*

*The weeping widow dried her tears when she became your tenant*

*"World's most beloved landlord" are the words that fill your pendant*

*You're owed a dime each time a dime brushes against a quarter*

*Our cheap export is elegance and you're our chief exporter*

*You are Scrum! Scrum Fabulous!*

*May you outlive us all*

*Your heart's as big as a city block!*

*You're a billion meters tall!*

*Soaking Valley's populace are gladly in your thrall*

*You are Scrum! You are Scrum! You are Scrum! You are Scrum Fabulous!*

*Amen*
Otto de Bonesby

Father to Frederick de Bonesby, as well as Wulfric and Regis de Bonesby. He is only seen in flashback (At 56:15 of Episode 9: The Cave and The Mistress) and is presumed dead by the present day.

Otto was a stern old man who was callous with his children. He had Frederick in his 50s, and struggles to remember his son's name without prompting. He was extremely strict with his boys, often not seeing them for over a year at a time and denying them the right to speak to him when he does see them.

Their only meeting we witness included insulting Frederick and punishing him for showing fondness for their family's lesser griffins by forcing him to kill a young one (Daddy's Got A Million) with his bare hands. The traumatic upbringing is implied to be what caused Frederick to grow up as callous and distant as he is since emotional attachment was outright punished.

In the episode Riddle Guy, Frederick he implies he had his father and brothers killed.

While visiting Ruleshaven, Frederick learns from Ulcer Anatomies that Otto invested much of his fortune into the development of other cities. While Frederick was never made aware, Ulcer treats this as having more than paid for the purchases at his shop. Frederick's wanted poster also lists him as charged with paying overdue backtaxes owed by Otto de Bonesby.

During O Captain, My Captain, we see some distorted memories within Frederick's mind. It shows him returning from college with Otto spelling out that despite hating each other, Frederick is not permitted to leave the manor because it would look poorly upon himself. Frederick vaguely recalls his butler Wurster prompting him to use magic and blows up his father, but admits that the memory doesn't seem quite right.
Jesus Christ

*"I will make you fishers of men."*

A holy figure in Catholicism/Christianity, a canon religion in Cordelia. While his name is used as an exclamation, players have confirmed that the person and religion both exist in their world. The fact that Jesus resurrected himself in a world where resurrection spells exist made his accomplishment much less impressive. The religion is well-known but relatively young compared to other faiths, with Christ having lived only about 100 years ago.

In Fools Crush In, Frederick feared that they had arrived in Christian Heaven, pointing out that it was one of the worst Heavens. Stirfry also thinks that Christian Hell "sucks" and prefers "Tree Hell." Old Deuterantagonist also quotes famous phrases used by Jesus, suggesting that he spoke to the man at some point in his long life.

He is not to be confused with Jesus Christ the troll. Neither appear to have any knowledge of one another and were given the same name by coincidence.

 Trivia

* First exclaimed in the show by the demon Strayd Plancis. "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, you get one boon...!"
* Also exclaimed by Count Ivan Gretsky after being called a nasty freak by Stirfry. This also causes Stifry to rant “Jesus Christ? You praise your own beheader? Yes. We know Christ in this world! As well as we know Meowth, we know Christ in this world." Past this point, the exclamation would show up more often.
* He is assumed to be related to Johnson Christ, whose name is also shouted in surprise.
Sacred Masterpiece

A thin-moustached faun aboard The S.S. Bad News. He is charming and flirty, and strikes up conversation with Albee. He is cursed to "never be the one," unable to land himself in a committed relationship. He politely approaches Cordelia about pursuing Albee despite the curse, but Cordelia confides in him that she has feelings for Albee too. Although he's still interested in Albee he decides to step aside for Cordelia. He lies and tells Albee that he's married to break it off.

## Trivia

* Sacred was born in The Teenage Woods.
* Sacred has never been called Sac and Red before meeting the party.
* The party encourages him to break his curse by being "the two" and become polygamous. It's not for him.
Kebin

Kebin

A monstrous creature that appeared after the disappearance of Polaris University. While childlike in its mentality, it is horrific to look at and turns anything it touches inside out. He is the titular threat in the episode Kebin. Cheddar points out that Kebin is incredibly unintelligent, and can be distracted by something as simple as throwing a ball in another direction.

Kebin appears to be stalking Casper Dawn when the party arrives at Albee's house. Casper convinces the party to run from it, but when it starts catching up the group ends up distracting it with a paper airplane. They manage to lose it in the woods, only for it to end up chasing the paper airplane back into the group by coincidence. Kebin turns Casper inside out and begins to absorb it while the party flees for their lives.

## Appearance

Kebin is a shifting mass of flesh resembling a womb with a flayed baby's face. Its eyes are too far apart to visibly focus on anything particular. It has numerous goat legs that run like a centipede, rapidly rotting off its body until they fall off and are replaced by new ones. It possesses stubby baby arms, but they can multiply to reach towards its prey or seal up its wounds.

## Abilities

Kebin has a natural ability to turn anything it touches inside out. This appears to activate whether it means to or not, and works in equally gruesome ways on living and non-organic material. Touching de Bonesby's cloak not only turned it inside out but somehow created blood and gore on it. Kebin moves much faster than it looks like it should, and can absorb and acquire traits from certain creatures.

## Trivia

* Cheddar is aware of Kebin and is even more horrified of him than the party members are. Kebin appears to hold some level of notoriety in Hell.
* Kebin was named after Branson Reese's Roomba.
* Kebin is able to move normally when Cheddar possesses someone, ignoring the usual freezing of time
* Rain Anatomys classifies Kebin as a "hunger demon."
Poopus

An ancient and partially mutilated gnome. He created the owlbears, bearowls, and several in-betweens. He is able to speak to them, but they have relatively little respect for him. Poopus' left hand was torn off and replaced by a hook while raising the owlbears. His right hand was also torn off and replaced by the left hand.

He had some involvement at Polaris University before it vanished, leaving him among the many citizens of Cordelia disoriented by its absence. He lived with Mother in The Nest, where he asked her every day "Who's my mommy?" She always replied "I am."

He met the party after they fought with his bearowls, agreeing that they are wildly aggressive animals and holding no hard feelings. He offers to lead the party to The Nest and introduces them to Mother. She tests the party until they realize she is planning to absorb Albee's family. When a fight breaks out, the party encourages him to merge with Mother instead. He agrees and is absorbed by her, immediately reborn as a baby. With his memory wiped, he promptly pees himself. The party renames him Peepus.

The party carried him with them for several episodes, but in the panic fleeing from Kebin, Peepus was left behind and lost.

In Enter the Mother, Part 1, the party is rescued by a fully grown Peepus. We learn that he was raised by animals, lost his arm while fighting a reborn Mother's soldiers, and replaced it with a powerful mechanical one. He explains that gnomes grow up extremely fast and live long lives as funny little men. He is bitter towards the party for abandoning him, but still holds some attachment. He leads them to the freedom fighters of The Soaking Valley, and is once again left behind when they forget him on their way to confront Mother.

## Trivia

* Poopus was named after one of the first things he did as a child (pooping in his diaper). He seemed to deeply regret it for all this life. The party calls him Peepus when he is reborn with the same logic in mind.
* When he was still known as Poopus, he also enjoyed being called Mister Poopus and Doctor Poopus (though he is not a doctor). He seemed more puzzled by being called Professor Poopus.
* Commonly misspelled as Poopiss
* When he is reborn as Peepus, he appears to have a limitless amount of urine at his disposal.
* Poopus was originally planned to be a perfectly normal and intelligent gnome. When Cordelia called dibs on him, Branson decided to make her regret it by making him immediately eccentric.
Hesky Asmar

A sea dwarf and the cook aboard The Lusty Conversation. He is the first pirate the players meet in the live show Married To The Sea.

He is a key player in the mutiny aboard the ship as Twice-Damned Regina keeps throwing the food he prepares overboard. He is unaware that she is doing this to attract mermaids into loving her.
Hell (town)

A small and humble village near Froggy Creek. The players stop there while evading Witch Hunters. The people there are happy and welcoming, and live so naive to the world that they saw no problem with naming their town Hell, unaware that such a name already existed.

Jacques Avoidoir escaped there after fighting his way out of Ruleshaven. He happily lives there taking advantage of their naivity and encouraging them with his dreams of revolution.

## Inhabitants

Jacques Avoidoir

Writers Millenium

Glendale Millenium

Torrid Telltale

Broadbones

Jessica Gunther

Etiquette Braddick

Frodo

Moma

Eyeballs

Kidvid

Braces

The Invitation

Digital Fasting
Moira Thousand

An elderly human woman with muscular arms and owner of The Delighted Wife. She is easily angered and violent, having murdered her husband in the streets. She was not arrested because she murdered every town guard who came after her. Her surname Thousand was apparently given to her for how many people she murdered.

Her only rule in The Delighted Wife is, "no killing paying customers." Fights are broken up, but murdering someone who still has money to spend gets you banned for a few days.

Moira claims to have never known her parents, having grown up in the circus. She has a wooden heart and has the scar on her chest to suggest it is both true and visible when she wishes to show it off. She also claims to have broken Kreedis' nose, and several others back her up on this fact. She has palpable disgust for most of the party, but warms up to Cordelia after she expresses some appreciation for Moira's tough and violent attitude.
Moira apparently outranks the town guards when it comes to their own jail. She can sentence customers to imprisonment there and the guards take her word for it, locking up and freeing prisoners based on what she says.

Moira returns in the episode A Classic Case of Manassas, Virginia, traumatized into only saying her name. She reveals that she had turned her name to Moira Two-Thousand for unspecified reasons. We later learn that Mother took control of Soaking Valley's population, implying she had to fight her way out by killing other citizens.

## Quotes

* Bellow: "What was your name before you killed one thousand people?" Moira: *"Moira Nine Hundred Ninety-Nine, asshole. You wanna make it Moira Thousand-and-One?!"*
Loxodon

A race of tall, elephant-headed creatures. Their trunks are very flexible and strong, able to lift men off their feet or operate as a third hand. Their large ears and snouts also grant them particularly good senses of smell and hearing. They also possess tusks that they can use as weapons when necessary.

When Smellulus Bacharach and the bouncer at The Trim Cuckold greet each other, they do so while loudly celebrating their race and how they will never die out because everyone loves them. They also proclaim their race's motto of "Do your job and do it well!"

## Trivia

* Loxodons make up a large part of the Cordelian Empire's guardsmen at the peak of the empire. There have been nearly no loxodon emperors.
* Count Ivan mentions fearing he has "gone the way of the loxodon." This implies that they have gone extinct by 497 AA.
* Branson made them go extinct because he is Tim's bully.
Pally Badnews

A drunk and rambling human passenger aboard The S.S. Bad News. He has a broken nose and a laid back manner of speaking while he's drunk (constantly), but is much louder and short-tempered when sober.

Pally was cursed at some point in his life and lured onto the ship where he seemed stuck for the rest of his days. His younger brother Buddy Badnews followed Pally onboard to try and help him, getting himself intentionally cursed to get aboard. Pally eventually tries to murder the ship's captain and would be cursed to become the new captain, but Buddy took it upon himself by stomping the dying captain to death instead. Pally resents his brother for always interfering in his life without asking.

Their ongoing feud and avoidance of each other angers Philadelphio, the god of siblings. The party manages to orchestrate the brothers reuniting and urging them to explain themselves before apologizing to each other. This breaks the curse and allows the party to leave while the brothers stay aboard and talk once again.

## Trivia

* Pally's curse is "to dream."
* His appearance and distinctive speech patterns are based on Elliott Gould's character Charlie Waters from *California Split*
Gunter Von Hamstring

A wanted conman who acts as the main target for the party in Who's Your Daddy? He is a bleached blonde who wears a lot of mesh and is a very impressive dancer. He is also a very cruel and petty man who enjoys the suffering of others.

Gunter is known as Daddy's Boy after his preferred method of swindling his targets. He poses as the son of powerful people (such as nobles and mob bosses) who are too busy and detached to remember if they have a wayward son. He is also wanted in twelve major cities for armed robbery, art theft and horse torture. During the episode, Gunter has a bounty of 400,000 gold for his crimes.

The team tracks him down on a party boat where he is performing a synchronized dance with his goons. He sends them after Jonathan Large, but Moose convinces him that he's a talent scout while he's unprotected. He uses this to lead him into their speed boat and turn him in for the bounty.
Mummy

A type of undead in Cordelia. They are bodies wrapped in bandages that bring curses on their enemies. This funeral process is only performed on small creatures and children, so mummies tend to be very short creatures.

Stirfry disguises himself as one during Come Glide With Me, and several characters comment on how tall he is for a mummy.
Shitty

Shitty is the namesake of Shitty and the Boys. He is a goblin who plays the banjo and follows around Cum Dangle to play music during his stunts, most of which are preceded by a strum on Shitty's banjo.

When the party visits, Shitty sleeps under the guest bed while most of the party sleeps on top. He is already waiting there when they arrive and when Stirfry joins him underneath, he offers to "trade dreams" with him. After this, Shitty wakes up sharing Stirfry's urge to become a chef. Stirfry wakes having taken 6 damage from the disturbing dreams he experienced.

Shitty informs Cum that he wants to leave the band to become a chef, and Cum seems to accept this... tomorrow. He still makes them play for the Stampede Canyon Challenge.
Rude Emergencies of Medicine

A Patreon bonus episode of Rude tales of Magic. The group plays Heartbeats, a card-based micro RPG portraying a hospital drama. The players act as both doctors and patients to each other at Donkey Memorial Hospital.

## Players

* Joe Lepore: Doctor Jason Orphanson/Amnesia patient
* Carly Monardo: Doctor Amy Mistertumnus/Amelda Chicken
* Christopher Hastings: Doctor Susan Hospital
* Ali Fisher: Doctor Meredith Gray/Ordy
* Tim Platt: Doctor Armory Amanda/Quacky Blaze

## Trivia

* Ali's doctor has the same name as her character in Rude Lasers of Feelings. Ordy is another case of Ali using a shortened version of Cordelia as a character name.

## Links

* Episode: https://www.patreon.com/posts/rude-emergencies-49458011
Ruined Man

A skeletal orc who spends his time with Cum Dangle doing stunts in the Teenage Woods. He appears to be deeply traumatized, showing dark circles around eyes. He is hairless and often seen trembling. He expressly claims to have nothing to live for and if given any order, he will commit himself to doing it. The only order he will not follow is to take care of himself.

Ruined Man has an unspoken bond with a large, tamed bear. Cum's gang rides around on it during long journeys.

## Trivia

* Ruined Man's last interaction with the party is to make a circle with his fingers while Albee Dawn was looking. This means that should they meet again, he gets a free punch.
* The way that Ruined Man speaks about Stampede Canyon implies it may have been involved in how he became ruined. While the group ponders the canyon, he says that he was once known as "Normal Man"
Penny Downtown

The chief of the Paola Peacekeepers in Come At The King. She is a small fawn with curly hair and curlier horns.

She appears in Grimothee Steel's introduction, having purchased him and trying to pitch him to a shadowy, smooth council as a revolutionary new cop. After Grimothee's performance disappoints the investors, a furious Penny discharges Grimothee.
Mona Gorramael

Bellow's mother and wife to Malekinal Gorramael. Bellow spends much of the campaign worrying about her safety after Brian Doyle Falls is consumed by a gelatinous cube.

Mona is later revealed to be alive, if changed by the world within the cube. Eating the local Vacci’s Pizza transformed her into a plastic flamingo to match the vacation nightmare of a town. She remains mobile and delighted to see Bellow, and her new form doesn't keep her from embarrassing him in front of his new friends. She escapes the warped Brian Doyle Falls with the rest of her family and the party, being returned to her natural state. She stays behind with the rest of her family while wishing Bellow luck on this quest.

## Trivia

* Mona is 35 years old, but will sometimes lie about her age. Her lies are so compelling that they even trick longtime listeners of the show into thinking she's actually 35.
* Her father was a politician.
* Mona enjoys a morning glass of wine.
* In her normal tiefling form, Mona is a long haired, candy apple red woman with antelope-like horns.
Pontius DiNox

An elderly human bureaucrat and Smellulus’ boss. He appears at the start of Come At The King to fire Smellulus for failing to collect enough taxes. Smellulus manages to intimidate him into cowering in fear, but he tells his former coworker that it’s come down from over his head. He also has little reason to care because he is retiring the same day.

Smellulus attempts to force him to drink with him before leaving, lifting him up with his trunk. When Snake Professional appears to offer Smellulus a new job, he drops Pontius so that he breaks his leg. Pontius refuses to leave early on his last day and screams in agony rather than get medical help, missing Snake and Smellulus’ conspiracy completely.
Scrum’s Pad

Scrum Fabulous’ house, bar and resort, though he does own several summer homes as well. It is hidden by illusions to look like a cave, but is actually a manor full of partying guests and prisoners alike. Scrum has a room for every deadly sin (including Envy, Lust and Wasps) where a unique pleasure is available based on each sin.

Scrum claims that since every day is his birthday, there is constant partying and celebration at his pad. He keeps several employees magically bound to the location, compelled to do their jobs without fail. Even Scrum himself could not get past his guard troll Bonpenisinyaro without reciting the magic words. He keeps Scrum's Pad hidden behind the illusion of a cave, and has numerous tiny wizards flying around his club to creative special affects.
The bar (and its bartender Wizardly) serves a wide variety of drinks, including mamosas and Irishmen. It has a partner location that was lost to bandits call Scrum North.

The party is taken to Scrum's Pad after they escape from Soaking Valley Prison, with Scrum informing them that he has Albee's parents held there.
Manassas, Virginia

*"This is a town of NPCs."*

A cozy little town near The Teenage Woods. The party visits it in A Classic Case of Manassas, Virginia, where Wartortle Spone's teachings have led them to a life of permanent vacation (he didn't get to tell them to stop). It takes the party's intervention to convince them that sometimes you shouldn't be on vacation, considering that they were starting to starve after not working their fields.

## Residents

* Agrarian Pimp the town tailor
* Waterloo the town main child
* Sadie Segawolf the town pauper
* Torpal Jeans Filth the town mayor
* Showstream Littles the town greeter
* An unnamed town villain. He died, but came back later.
Scruffy Bill

A talking goat that lives in The Switchblades. He is unsure why he speaks in Common and can no longer speak in goat. He did not have a name, being a goat, and asks Bellow to give him one. He dubbed his Scruffy Bill, which he appreciated.

He addresses the party when Bellow suggests splitting up, meant as a warning from the GM. The party engages the animal and asks him about the mountains, letting him explain that the area is full of rogue pranksters. He provides what limited knowledge he can about the area, but admits he may have been enchanted to talk and deceive them as part of a prank.

He enjoys chewing on rocks, seemingly unaware of grass. His turn to speaking Common has left him unable to connect to his family, but he is fine with this because his family hated him anyway.
Mother

A giant, sentient heart encountered by the group in The Teenage Woods. She claims to be the heart of the forest and possesses many strange mental powers. She claims to have created the owlbears and bearowls. She is capable of absorbing other lifeforms and taking their intelligence inside her. Poopus treats her as his actual mother.

Mother meets the party at The Nest when Poopus leads them to it. She asks for their assistance in return for information. Once she answers their questions, she uses her powers to place them in a series of riddles. Once they successfully solve them, she decides that they are suitable for the task she has in mind. She asks them to bring a nearby family of fawns to her to be absorbed, but Albee realizes that she's talking about her family. Mother intends to use them to create more intelligent owlbears using their genetic material, turning them painlessly back into babies as "the gift of life."

Albee refuses and throws a dart at Mother, entering a battle as Mother begins to summon more owlbears from their attacks. The group holds their own until Poopus tries to convince them to work with Mother. When they doubt her intentions, Poopus decides to prove it himself and enters Mother's womb-maw. Mother is repulsed by this as her voice and the owlbears transform to resemble Poopus. She withers and crumbles, but not before birthing a baby Poopus, who is promptly renamed Peepus by the group, after he pees on Albee.

The group find six large seeds amongst the remains of Mother's corpse. One of the seeds had a blue glow similar to the blue glow Mother had emitted. The other 5 seeds had a normal appearance.

The seeds are left behind when they escape from Soaking Valley Prison. When they return to the city in Enter the Mother, Part 1, Mother has grown back from her seeds and has begun conquering the city by planting growths that control peoples' bodies and link them into a hivemind.

## Abilities

Mother is effectively immobile, but she has numerous powerful abilities. She can rapidly heal herself and absorb creatures and items, processing them and using them as fuel to create hybrid creatures. She shows that she can do this with weapons and even pure fire. Since she cannot move, she must rely on her victims being willing to merge with her or being captured by her creations. Some of these assimilations will alter her behavior as well. If she merges with something she finds unpleasant enough, it may lead to her self-destructing.

Mother also has some means of telepathic abilities and mind control. On top of communicating with the party, she can transport them into rudimentary simulations that can prove fatal if failed. She is able to silence Stirfry with her will and knows many things beyond the knowledge of the party, though she is later proven to be lying about some of these things.

## Trivia

* Mother is classified as "growing" demon, similar in nature to Shiitake Tomboy. They both operate similar to intelligent plants, can assimilate with other creatures, and both refer to the phrase "What the air forgets, the soil remembers."
Kelvin

One of a pair of twins in The Children of the Atmosphere along with his brother Helmoltz. They are part of the group of cultists who capture the party in Rain of Terror.

After Bellow shapeshifts into a lizard, they catch him in a mason jar. Bellow turns back into a tiefling, which makes his jar explode and pelts them with shards of the broken glass.

When a fight breaks out over Fractus’ true wishes, the twins reveal that they’re packing nunchucks. Each of them holds one end of it, effectively attacking Bellow with them but also knocking their heads together in the process. Like the rest of the cult present, Kelvin and Helmholds are overjoyed by the illusion of Fractus and follow its orders to climb to the roof to drink and piss off of it.
Grimothee Steel

An assembled psionic, meaning that he is a brass automaton with glowing purple eyes and telepathic powers. He is one of many magical automotons built by the Assembleaux corporation, purchased by the Peacekeepers of Payola when he was left on sale. He is apparently an outdated model, leading to his cheap price despite his unique powers and personality. Grimothee is very self-aware, is uncomfortable with being seen as an object, and seeks to find his best friend on his journey.

Grimothee is pitched as a revolutionary new idea for the Peacekeepers. While he upholds the law, he is hesitant to judge others and is in no hurry to do so. Peacekeeper Chief Penny Downtown is humiliated by his overly reasonable display and fires him from the force, leading him to join Snake to deal a blow to the empire that treated him as a possession. He appears to have a strange connection to music, singing along with songs that he hears despite not remembering them.

Grimothee was once owned by Freddery Steel, who he treated as his best friend and caretaker. His parents claimed that Grimothee walked into the ocean when Freddery hit puberty, but appeared to have simply turned him off and put him into storage. Freddery sold Grimothee to the Peacekeepers without even realizing he was in the box and they hadn't seen each other in years before the events of the game.

## Relationships

Grimothee remains one of the more moral members of the party throughout the campaign. He remains focused and professional on most of their tasks while offering kindness to most of his teammates. He is very sympathetic to the cause of other assembled men and tends to think the best of people until proven otherwise. He maintains hope that his former owner grew up to be a happy and good person, no matter how much Freddery shows that this is not the case.

## Trivia

* Despite his unsteady position at the Peacekeepers, he’s beloved by his coworkers who are sad to see him go.
* Grimothee once served as a caretaker to a young man before being bought by the Peacekeepers. As a result, he is programmed to be fully prepared for slumber parties.
* Grimothee took on the last name of the family that originally owned him. Even his creator Amber-Ale Assembleaux still refers to him as such.
* During several of Grimothee's more passionate scenes throughout the series, variations of the song Green Sleeves is played in the background.
Naughty Nico

*"The name's Naughty Nico. I'm a bit of a bad boy. I don’t play nice and I'm not here to make friends. I'm not interested in winning and I don't know what sex is. Heh heh. However I do know I've had it over 400 times. I love being alive but I would die for anything. Rumor has it I'm married to a dog, but I'll never tell. Tell that it's true. AHA!"*

Naughty Nico is an enigmatic person in Rude Tales of Magic. He first appeared in the non-canon Trouble In Paradise as a contestant in their survival-themed games.

At the end of Gleaning the Cube, Nicotine Tones touches some of the sand within the transformed Brian Doyle Falls. He is horrifically sunburnt and sprouts blonde hair, his body warped into a new form that lengthily introduces itself as his new alter ego, Naughty Nico. The small but potent brush with the sand changed Nicotine into this chiller alter ego, though he remains largely motivated by guiding the party.

Naughty Nico is ultimately killed by the wrath of Danny Timeshare. He dies in Stirfry's arms as he melts into margarita mix, sharing a final kiss. The party avoids mentioning details when his wife Something That’s Not Written Down asks about him, but she doesn't seem terribly troubled by his fate.

## Trivia

* In both episodes he debuted in, Nico introduces himself with the same monologue.
Lia Chesterfield

A meddlesome young lady of twenty years. She is played by Ali Fisher in Beans and Revelry.

Lia fancies herself quite the matchmaker, but this mostly involves asking random people if they want to marry her friend. She tries to arrange a marriage between her cousin Abigail and Lord Dudley Darlington Goodge during her birthday/Christmas party, saying she has no interest in love for herself. She ultimately succeeds in getting them together, only to decide that she’d like to join them in a polygamous wedding.

## Trivia

* Like the majority of Ali’s characters on the show, her name is found within the word Cordelia (see Cordelia Sasquatch and Deli).
Mister Assembleaux

The father of Amber-Ale Assembleaux. A human man of medium-build who had no first name of his own.

When Amber-Ale voiced his wish to become the tallest man in the world, Mister Assembleaux informed him it was unlikely given their family's normal height. Amber-Ale forsook his father on the spot and had him killed the same day.
Nightmare Forest

A forest in the far east where monsters and darker creatures tend to dwell. The locale has an eerie air about it, partly due to its trees all appearing dead. This is a defense mechanism for the trees, which do not grow leaves to fool the leaf-devouring predators of their environment.

The trees outside of Ulcer Anatomies' shop are of the same type that grow in The Nightmare Forest.
Mabeline Moonlight

The half-elf, half-orc, all woman with feathered black hair. She is the head of Moonlight Value Bounties, negotiating for higher bounties so she can get a 10% cut as a finder's fee to keep both sides satisfied. She remains in contact with her team of bounty hunters using surgically implanted pieces of pixie brains, using them like internalized radios. The party trusts her to dispatch them on missions, she and Moose have an on again, off again romance. She also claims to have a will they/won't they with Jonathan Large.
Piss Harbor

*"The kind of place where everyone’s a criminal. Even the mommies."*

A city mentioned throughout the show. Brian Fuck lived there and was given the key to the city for his genius before being chased out for creating his abomination The Shish Kebab Express. The area has been known to experience flooding, being on the western coast of Cordelia.

It is the main setting of Weird Times In Piss Harbor. During the time, the city is almost completely made up of criminals, hedonists and drug dealers. It contains a waterfront where the wealthy and influential tend to operate, as well as an older part of town very similar to the old west.

## Trivia

* While the group was brainstorming titles for Rude Tales of Magic, several of the potential titles mention Piss Harbor.
* During The Thin Black Line, there is mention of a type of pizza in Cordelia known as Piss Harbor style.
* In The Man In the Arena, Piss Harbor style hotdogs are known for being eaten with "no condom."
* There is an actual wishing well in Piss Harbor.
Ruleshaven (disambiguation)

Ruleshaven can refer to several locations, people, and episodes in Rude Tales of Magic.

* For the episode involving the party seeking Ulcer Anatomies, see Ruleshaven (episode).
* For the following episode involving entering the lawless Danica Town, see RuleShaven (episode).
* For the city bound by magical laws, see Ruleshaven.
* For the sub-section of Ruleshaven (pronounced “rule shaven” by the locals) immune to its rules, see Danica Town.
* For the founder of the original Ruleshaven/Danica Town, see Danica Ruleshaven.
Joshy

**Joshy** (or **Joshua** to those other than Virginia and his mother) is a large human man wearing a wide-brimmed hat and dark clothing. He serves under Virginia The Witch Hunter, who treats him fondly but is not afraid to put him at risk or correct him. Despite his intimidating appearance, he is very new to his job and serves as an intern to a Witch Hunter. He has a poor memory for names and phrases, which his mentor is quick to point out. He speaks in a low and ominous voice to put on a tough front, but fails to maintain this in front of his mentor and his voice begins to crack. While amateurish at his job, he has been around long enough to have encountered several monsters in their travels.

After Cordelia and her friends escape her, Virginia summons Cheddar to track her down. She uses Joshy as a host for Cheddar to possess. While we don't see the reason why, the next time we see Joshy his body is a deformed mess described as "technically alive." His skin is stretched over his body to the point where he currently carries most of his flesh in a wheelbarrel. He continues to follow Virginia as she pursues the party, though his remaining level of intelligence and awareness remains unclear.

In Revelations, Albee and Stirfry encounter Joshy in Virginia's carriage, now stretched out over approximately 14 feet. They torture him for information (which he claims Virginia predicted would happen, hence why she wasn't with him), getting little more than that Virginia is trying to help them. He also insists that they call him "Joshua", saying that "Joshy" is reserved for Virginia and his mother. Not believing him, Stirfry stabs him in the forehead and leaves him for dead.

## Trivia

* He considers teamwork to be magic.
* Virginia frequently refers to knowing Joshy's mother.
* In a flashback, it is mentioned that Virginia first met Joshua when he was possessed. His recruitment may have been related to his ability to survive such an ordeal.
Riddle Guy (episode)

*When we meet for the first time I bring joy, but see me again and I bring only despair. I always tell, and always ask, though, try as you might, you cannot say the same. I have defeated kings and been bested by children. What am I?See episode notes for the answer, gumshoes!*

The 18th main canon episode of Rude Tales of Magic. The party manages to reach Riddle Guy, exploring the brain-teasing festival.

## Summary

The party is led by Dodge Deranga, Natalie Armpits and Canyonera to Riddle Guy, a packed gathering of riddle enthusiasts who used riddles as currency. Albee is miserable with her response from confessing to Bellow being followed by riddles, which she feels she’s terrible at. The others enjoy the scene and take Frederick de Bonesby off to a medical tent. While delirious with pain, Frederick is thrilled to realize he is at Riddle Guy since he was never allowed to go as a child.

The party splits up to gather supplies and information. Bellow and Dodge explore the festival and Bellow proves quite capable with answering riddles. They meet Apollo Nasty, last year’s ultimate riddle guy. After Bellow answers his riddle, Dodge admits that she has feelings for him and wants to hook up for the festival. Bellow awkwardly declines, saying he’s been through a lot lately.

Stirfry hits it off with Natalie, flirting as they brainstorm new riddles to barter with. He boosts her confidence in becoming this year’s new riddle guy. Cordelia maintains her Invisibility on Ivan, who is obsessed with seeing the sunlight for the first time in over a century. He convinces her to come with him and maintain the invisibility so he can enjoy this one day with her.

Stirfry and Natalie end up admitting their attraction, ending up in them going all the way in their tent. Stirfry is injured in the process, but he tries to brush it off. With another boost to her confidence, Natalie admits that she loves him and carries him off. When he asks why, she explains that to become the new riddle guy, one must sacrifice someone they love. Stirfry escapes her grasp but is intercepted by Canyonera, who knocks him out and carries him towards a wicker sphinx.

## Quotes

* “The smells of patchouli oil, body oil, weed smoke blind you. Strong vodka, incense and about a million pounds of ambient dust hit you like a t-shirt cannon shot point blank at your nasal cavities.”

## Link

https://rudetalesofmagic.simplecast.com/episodes/riddle-guy
Kimrin

One of the guards working at The Soaking Valley prison. He is the one that captures Bellow, Albee, Stirfry and Cordelia Junior while trying to sneak into the jail. He is very loyal to the guard, even if he fears for his safety if he speaks out too much. He's quite content to remain corrupt and work the night shift at the jail. His duties include reading his fellow guards (which he considers his brothers) a bedtime story.

## Trivia

* Despite Kimrin's indifference to the actual law, he does not believe all creatures deserve the right to live. He is greatly offended when Bellow suggests the opposite about Illegal Rinbecca.
* When Kimrin catches the party sneaking into prison, he challenges them to his riddle called The Cave and The Mistress. This becomes the title of the episode in question.
Sephesda

A city near the capital of Cordelia. It neighbors the suburbs of Brian Doyle Falls.

Eddie Single claims to be from Sephesda, mistakenly saying he is from the capital itself. The "disgraced" mayor of Sephesda leads a memorial for those killed by the gelatinous cube in Brian Doyle Falls, urging those attending to vote "unless you don't like me."
Pelvis Futures

A tragedy fetishist visiting Brian Doyle Falls after it was consumed by a gelatinous cube. He has dark, slicked back hair.

He meets the party at Timmy’s Outskirts Sports Bar before their tour of the suburb, hoping to get off on the experience. He approaches them becoming fascinated by the idea that Frederick de Bonesby and Stirfry are dead and hoping to hear their tragic/arousing tales. He meets with Nicotine Tones for the tour but it denied access when he is unable to harness the willpower to pass his tests. He leaves conflicted about how to feel about the tragedy of being turned away.

## Trivia

* Pelvis is a big fan of Wendy Wallpaper's tragic songs. She is not fond of him when they meet.
* He respects all members of the tragedy fetish community while trying not to offend outsiders.
Professor Outside (episode)

*You're gonna want headphones for this one.*

The episode of Rude Tales of Magic. For the character, see Professor Outside.

## Summary

The party travels towards Brian Doyle Falls until they come across a hive of bees. Hungry from their travels, Cordelia tells the bees that she is a friend of the queen and comes requesting honey. They bring her (head only) into the hive, where their queen New and Improved Queen scrutinizes their relationship. Her short-term memory lets them fool her long enough for Stirfry to steal her honey but the queen is outraged anyway when Cordelia leaves without being excused. The party repels and escapes the bees by leaping into the river and salvaging their stolen honey.

They reach a field of mushrooms where Bellow flashes back to his druid classes with Professor Outside about mushrooms. He points out that they're fully edible, but Albee eats one of the psychedelic mushrooms before he can point them out. She starts to hallucinate while the others eat the more mundane mushrooms, only to find that two of them are actually the butt of Shiitake Tomboy, a mushroom-shaped demon who lives beneath the field. He jovially welcomes them and allows them to eat all they want while telepathically chatting with them. He probes their minds and helps Albee deal with her feelings for Bellow and Cordelia while praising the group for being such active killers, since he feeds on the dead. Shitake helps the party trip on his mushrooms, giving them strange visions. Cordelia sees the complaining face of Reena Hanowary who gripes about being in constant suffering while Cordelia gets high in a field. She addresses the urgency of their mission but Bellow insists that he wants to see his family before he dies.

Shitake offers to let the party stay with him for eternity by joining and feeding his mushrooms, but he politely accepts their refusal. They travel along the river towards Brian Doyle Falls before they see a steamboat on the water. Bellow investigates as an otter and overhears jazz music and loving couples chatting. Considering it may be a love boat, they agree to attempt to infiltrate it posing as couples.

## Links

https://rudetalesofmagic.simplecast.com/episodes/professor-outside
Morris Ironside

Morris is an aging and friendly Witch Hunter who trains the new recruits in the episode The Thin Black Line. He has salt and pepper hair and a prominent peg leg that he lost when it was stolen by a succubus.

His many years of service in the Hunters has left him weathered but loyal to their cause. He does his best to prepare his recruits mentally and emotionally for what they are about to commit to, including killing innocents, watching friends die, and facing unknown horrors. He is quick to overlook minor transgressions and mistakes among his peers.

Morris pulls some strings to arrange a comfortable position in Filthadelphia for the latest recruits, assuring them that he has faith in them. It is the last time he sees them alive.

## Trivia

* Morris is a member of The Friends of Bethel, suggesting he struggled with some unspecified addiction.
* Morris was stationed at The Expensive Coast for a part of his service.
* His name is a reference to character actor Michael Ironside, whose character in Starship Troopers serves as an inspiration for Morris
Laquinta Debonita

A gnome who works with We Prankster Few to harass the party with their illusions and jokes.
When the party attempts to clear an avalanche blocking their path, the boulder reveals itself to be Winter's Haste and Computer Generated Image. In a second layer to his disguise, he reveals it to be Laquinta disguised as them both.
They are bested in a duel of pranks during the episode's finale, wiping him from reality as we know it.