Listeners, Our Close Friends

**"Listeners, Our Close Friends"** is the sixty-fourth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Sean and Hayes give a generous Christmas gift to all of their listeners by accepting calls from some of them. Topics include the cities where all of them live, the missed opportunity of 12/13/14, the punk legacy of Louis Reed, and Chanson.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-calls portion

* Hayes over the theme: "So I say to Glenn.. Humplik, 'You can come in. Tom.. stays outside, because if he comes into the party I know, like, he's gonna pull some prank and I'm gonna end up sniffing his butt.' Glenn.. unlocks my cellar door without me seeing, Tom gets inside, and sure enough, just before the party's over he comes in in like the butt man outfit, and I'm sniffin' on it real good. Uh, but what he doesn't tell you, and I don't feel bad about letting this out, at all. When he puts that costume on? That's not his real butt." Sean "Oh! Well then you're protected, in a way." "Yes, it certainly didn't smell like a real butt. And so like, me as a fan, before that? The experience of smelling the fake butt, was like.." "I believe it's a bum, in this case, it's a bum. Do you know what I mean? Because it's the Bum Bum Song, and his butt was on the Swedish, if you recall!" "And do you ever go out, and like go to that Swedish, and like take pictures and stuff?" Sean has had some family events at the Swedish: his daughter's christening, his niece's quinceañera
* Sean says this episode is more like "Holiday Handbook" than "Hollywood Handbook" because it is the holidays, it's time for it to be Christmas. Around Christmas, they like to give gifts. The gift they want to give this year is to their listeners: what they want to do is allow the listeners to participate in the show.
* This is going to probably be the only one they ever do until next Christmas, it will probably be very bad. Everyone who's calling in has no experience of performing or of public conversation of any kind. They probably have some stuff prepared that's not going to land. Sean is worried that he'll look bad by working with these amateurs.
* This show is a sacrifice, Sean is willing to put a bad show out in the world with him on it as a gift, because it's fun for the five or six people who called in.
* The number is 347-514-WOLF (9653). Sean says writing this down makes us one better than him (ed note: take that), for next Christmas or for if anything happens with time where we're able to move through time back to when they were recording this after listening.
* If Sean and Hayes do this again and it's not Christmas, know that they're in *huuge* trouble (Ed. Note: Ep. #078 - Listeners Again, Our Close Friends air date April 7th, 2015). This means it has been prescribed to them by a Jeff Ulrich type. And don't let them say later that this is because this one did better than they hoped, it will be because they didn't get a guest at the *very* last second. That happens to them
* They discuss the logistics of taking calls with Brett, he points to the screen of a computer. Brett controls the boards (puffing himself up as he says this), and can say the name of the caller and put them through

### The calls

* SaladJesseRaphael (Mike from Chicago) - Hayes speaks loudly and deliberately as he determines whether everyone can hear one another. Sean congratulates him on the Pro Version (that he won in Ep. #060 - Tracey Wigfield, Our Close Friend). He does that dance all the time! Hayes: "Mike, you're from Chicago. You must eat that big pizza!" Sean has heard that on the bridge it smells like chocolate at night. Mike confirms that it does, all through downtown. Is it Willy Wonka or something?
	+ Sean pauses the conversation. He says he knows that it feels like he and Hayes are up in this tower, but if you're interested, and a student of life and this country, that just from hearing someone's town you can make great conversation.
	+ Hayes goes back to the pizza- he likes a nice big wet slice of New York. He doesn't think that big Chicago pizza is any good at all, he likes the New York pizza with the big chunky tomato with the water on top (wet pizza also discussed on Ep. #039 - Sean O'Connor, Our Close Friend). Mike argues that New York pizza isn't a meal. In New York, though, you can eat as many slices as you like! In New York you can share the pizza, the police won't stop you. You can share it, with the police! Who are heroes.
	+ The *water* is what makes it so good in New York. You have to bring the water in, that's why it's not good here (in LA). You have to fly the water in on a chopper, it has sodium particles. Mike says he doesn't know this, Sean knows he doesn't know this.
	+ Mike did not go to Obama's big rally / celebration when he won. Thank God! Because the whole thing, it's like, what is he? When he got elected he was like some big celebrity, acting like a big movie star. Sean wishes he was 'just folks' he likes when people are just folks like him
	+ Sean tells Mike to take care of his body! Just when they were so close to a nice conclusion to the call, a nice clean exit, Mike asks if they have any tips on doing this.
* Chanson - Hayes would have loved to have gotten this out of the way first. If they do this again, Hayes tells Brett to put him first, when Sean still has the energy to deal with a Chanson-type. Short and sweet, he does his thing. Hayes says it's nice to talk to him, although Chanson doesn't know if they really feel that way. He is one of their earliest fans, and he always has some.. constructive criticism for the show. They're always trying to do better, for him. Sean: "It's so rare that I feel like a fan of ours thinks I have so much to learn from them. Do you know what I mean, Chanson? A lot of time's they're just enjoying the show." Chanson says it's hard to enjoy the show with Sean on it, he loves Hayes. Sean freaks! "Whaat!?"
	+ This is the kind of humor that is starting to really get in vogue with the young folks: mean humor. Small killings. Mean joke. Sometimes Sean isn't even sure if it is a joke. They look at the anatomy of this joke.
	+ Hayes asks if Chanson is on that little forest island where he lives, in Seattle. He is! Vashon Island. It's the one where the bike is in the tree. Sean asks if he's drinking coffee, he's in Seattle! Chanson says he is drinking Coke Zero. It's a 'no.'
	+ Hayes asks why he knows all of these things about him, knows that he's going to school, and he lives on this little island. Hayes is the one on the show, he's talking to him! He has all of this information about him that he's not using in his daily life. It's weird to him. And it's weird to Chanson. Hayes knows he has a dog. Beard. It's too much! A lot of opinions on the world and politics and finance.
	+ Hayes knows that Chanson is a men's rights activist. A lot of rants, a lot of Chanson rants! Chanson will go on the forums and will speak up for a group that doesn't always get a fair shake, and that's white men. They're being marginalized! That is what Hayes appreciates, he says this is useful.They appreciate him for looking out for this group. Some people are saying a certain group's lives matter, Chanson is asking, shouldn't everyone's lives matter!? What about me? Does my life not matter?!
	+ Sean wants to bring up how Chanson did a rant of his, and threatened to lay some real hard truths on Sean and Hayes, and then threaten to "drop the mic afterwards." The image that creates! Of a comic on stage! Such a definitive ending. This is a new, fresh idea.
	+ Hayes asks if Chanson's dog is around, and they ask to talk to her. Her name's Dreidel, and he puts her on the phone. Hayes: "Dreidel? Run." Sean "Goo Dreidel." "Dridel, get out of the house as fast as you can! It's not safe for you there!" "Dreidel there's a car waiting for you outside." "Run into the forest!" "Bite him on his rear end and go! Go, go out the door! However you can move!" "Go, go at night!" "There's a car waiting for you at the corner. When you get in, they have dog food, they have everything you need..."
	+ Chanson is back. Hayes says Dreidel is a very nice baby, a very sweet baby girl, and they're pulling for her.
* The boys take a breather. They ask how many calls they have, Brett says the board is completely lit up, they have like 7. They decide to check in with Andy Kneis, who has been screening these calls for the show. Hayes invites him into the studio.
	+ Andy walks the boys through the process of his call screening. Sean overheard him having a longer conversation than he reports, and wonders if he was making friends with them? Some of them he knows! Sean wonders if this is some sort of dating service
	+ Hayes asks Andy to please not try and date any of them. Second: he makes Andy tell him the name of the job he is doing: screener. Andy seems to think this means let 'em all in. A screen is to keep out mosquitoes. What can get through a screen is a cool, refreshing breeze. But what can't in is a mosquito, or Chanson. The human mosquito.
	+ Andy wonders if they just come on and say their name is Sam, and he doesn't know. Well, then he'll have to ask more questions! Sean offers a nice scientific way to understand this: is he familiar with a 'semi-permeable membrane?' In cells? What Sean's science teacher used to say, is "Some elements can get through the membrane, for them, it's permeable, but others, when they hit the wall, 'No ticky, no washy: you can't get in!'" This is a good thing to say to a Chanson.
* Anastasia Vigo - They discuss how to pronounce her name, and they remember that they decided on "Ana-stoz-ia" a fancier pronunciation, as it matches the 'Vigo' better. Who! If you remember, is the villain in *Ghostbreakers*. She hasn't seen this movie. She has to! She says she is from Arizona, although she lives in Oakland now ("Just win, baby!"). Hayes mentions that he thinks the last part of the Ghost movie, where the marshmallow is coming through, took place in AZ. She says "Mm hmm" and Hayes suggests she try "Oh,that's interesting!" and she does so, and he thanks her.
	+ The boys then start talking about nice Arizona things. Such as the Phoenix Cardinals: the Phoenix is already a bird! So it's like saying 'The Bird Birds.' Sean asks if a Phoenix is just a burnt up regular bird that now has the powers of fire? Same with the Phoenix Suns, this is like the Firebird Suns. It's less interesting to have a Sun than a Phoenix. And when a bird gets lit on fire, doesn't it just get cooked? Can she explain how your town is wrong like that?
	+ Anastasia explains that they're not really good decision makers down there. That's why she had to leave! Sean wonders if she called up to talk about how that government woman got shot there, that's a very sad topic for the show. Hayes does not think it's an appropriate conversation to bring up Gabrielle Giffords.
	+ Anastasia was thinking about how long they have been in the industry, and how do they stay relevant and interesting? Sean says it's by callers like her, is that what she wants to hear!? Hayes decides he just can't go through with this, and Sean sees where he's coming from. They have to have a certain amount of integrity on the show. And they can't give this advice to all their other listeners, because it's not true.
	+ This would be like supporting a product in their advertisements that they don't personally love. Like that guy who.. makes the poop music. That's just an example, if they *didn't* like their music, if they did an advertisement for it, that would be.. wrong! Sean whispers "Hayes.. please!" Hayes says they really do like it! The musicianship and the funniness, the combination of the two. You can just play a song or you could just say the word 'poop,' and either one of those would be pretty good. But the *concept* of doing both simultaneously? Sean is jealous he didn't think of it first, because it seems like.. (Sean begs Hayes to bail him out, he doesn't have an end to this sentence!) it seems like a good music! Oh gosh, yes, hello!
	+ Hayes says how they have turned down ads for Sony or Penguin Books in order to endorse stuff that they do love like the poop music.
	+ Sean says how they're trying to get Snus to be a sponsor, you know the smokeless tobacco? They ask if Anastasia snuses? Is she snusing? She quit a while ago. She quit smoking. They know this, but what does she dip with now!? What does she shove in her maw and periodically spit into some sort of water bottle or whatever she has on her, in order to get a buzz without all that nasty inhalation!? She likes a nice English Breakfast Tea.
	+ Hayes heard this is a carcinogen and one should use white tea, that's the one they bleach. As they're trying to say goodbye, she asks if they snus? Hayes says yes, they snus, that's the whole thing, they love to snus. The snus is loose! Hit the snus button!
	+ Nice girl. Maybe.
	+ Hayes speculates that she might be someone's mom that called in, making her call in, just for balance. Is it Viggo Mortensen?
* Brgrho (Brian) - Hayes says it sounds like he's speaking from an apartment he hasn't quite moved into, he hasn't furnished it yet. Brian says there are a lot of dead walls, not a lot of carpet, not a lot of furniture. He's from California (San Diego) and goes to school in Boston.
	+ Hayes asks about all of this Freedom Trail stuff, everyone goes to Boston these days and it's this big fad now to walk the Freedom Trail, these kids are all doing this. Before Brian answers, Sean begs them to let him say this: "A car should be a car, a boat should be a boat, and a duck, ladies and gentlemen, should be a duck! If it looks like a duck, while it certainly shouldn't drive and be able get drive on water! That is not OK with me, sorry science, back to the drawring board, and rant over and now you can talk Brgrho Brian." Brian has made it an initiative to not do any of the historical stuff when he was there, he hasn't been on the Freedom Trail and he certainly hasn't been on a duck tour
	+ It's so misleading to call it a 'duck tour,' because you pay all that money for it, and you're expecting to see a bunch of ducks. Sean thought you might go underwater and see their feet movin', they're so calm on the surface but underneath their feet are churning *like mad*. Hayes lives his life by this metaphor, and it would have been so helpful to see the visual. Then you go on the tour, and they don't show you any ducks, and if you do see a duck, and try and get them to stop, *they won't stop,* they just keep going. Oh and by the way? If you chase the duck, and happen to get lucky and catch it? Uh, you can get arrested.
	+ Hayes starts hearing an echo, and it scares him and they have to go! He is paralyzed in fear, to hear your own voice when you are not the one who's speaking! Sean gets cheeled to the bone and he feels like he's in *Jeepers Creepers 2*.
* Charlie Murphy-Browns (Grant) - who answers the call saying "Whatup, whatup?" Sean says his latest song takes some real steps in the right direction for him because he notices it has some of the things that they have been saying. Hayes explains that Charlie Murphy Brown is an eccentric musical genius who is not really for being in society, he agrees with this whole-heartedly. Grant is in Arizona, in a home (not just around).
	+ Grant explains details about the Arizona Cardinals, formerly the Phoenix Cardinals, formerly in St. Louis and before that in Chicago. Hayes says this is the kind of thing they want to talk about!
	+ Sean asks that he talks about the Diamondbacks. They won the World Series in 2001.
	+ Grant asks Hypothetically, which of the hosts would win in an arm wrestling match? Sean would shudder to think, everyone loses if they do that! Hayes says perish the thought, because hurting Sean is so antithetical to everything in his life, or being hurt by Sean. Sean admits that if he's hurt by Hayes, he never trusts again. A thumb war is the same thing. Get it through his thick skull! They're not trying to battle one another
	+ Hayes suggests Grant stick to musical thoughts, when he thinks, he usually hears in trumpet noises. Grant corrects that it's trombone.
	+ Grant switches tactics: he asks, collectively, what their favorite novel is? They agree to say it at the same time: *Catcher in the Rye Mockingbird*! Grant has gotta read this book! Especially in this town, where the idea of phonies being something that you don't like? Sean "Oh baby can I tell ya that that is really something relevant in my life." There are some people in life who are cool and do get it like Holden Cauliflower does. And the details of a having a crazy red hunting hat on! Also, this gets back to lots of interesting duck questions in there. Like: "Where do they go when the ice is frozen?" And Sean offers something else to think about: Did Mr. Antolini really do anything wrong or was it just a situation that could be interpreted as wrong because he never really got the chance to explain? Or was he just being a friendly teacher?
	+ Sean asks if Grant is a secret slob, like that devilish Stradlater!? Keeps his razor unclean, meanwhile he's off making time with a girl!?
	+ Hayes could tell when he first called in that he hasn't read this book. Sean says "You're a real prince, Ackley kid." Just a hint of phoniness and if he reads it, he'll wash it right out
	+ Grant asks if they knew the date was 12/13/14. Hayes says this was a real missed opportunity, they should have came out with a movie. Call the movie *15*. Or *11*. "See *11,* 12/13/14. At 15 o'clock!" It could have been about a group of robbers.
	+ Sean discusses the circle of fiths with Grant, because he mostly wants to speak in trombone noises. (Circle of fifths also discussed in Ep. #058 - Dave King, Steve Hely, and Kevin Etten, Our Close Friends)
	+ Grant nearly gets his shout-out out, you almost want to start with the shout-out.
* Velvet Revolver and Nico (Sam) - Brett and Hayes say this better not be Engineer Sam, but it probably is. Hayes and Sean know his name is an homage to Lewis Reed (who was also discussed back on Ep. #005 - Paul F. Tompkins, Our Close Friend). Edgy music! Very influential. Every person who saw the Velvet Revolver went home and started a band. But only Donald Fagen wanted to start a band that is the polar opposite of the Velvet Revolver. Steely Dan was named after a dildo! Sam would agree that Lewis Reed was the original punk.
	+ Sam wonders if they are scared for these Sony hacks or if they're prepared for it because of Gmail Roulette. Sean says it sounds like he's got a good suggestion for an answer, and he's going to take it! And he does. He's used to having his private e-mails exposed. Plus, they're not going to do anything to them because they're making a movie about saving Kim Jong Un from Seth Rogen. He's coming there to kill him, and they beat him up. They both dress up as Captain America, and share one shield. When Seth and Jimmy are just getting so close and are about to land a big punch, that's when they get a shield - in - the - ~~neck~~ kisser
	+ Sam also almost gets his shout-out in
* Bozos - Hayes is surprised that he doesn't sound like a clown. Bozos asks about Homie the clown? Sean doesn't know what this has to do with anything, but Hayes is glad he brought this up. The idea of a clown being silly in this way. Don't play, many things! There's not just one thing that Homie don't play, there's a lot of things! There were lots of things they could have dressed black guys in before that show went away: Homie the fisherman. Homie the Engineer Frank, if you remember him, before he left!
	+ Bozos's is from Boston, they already did the duck tour question. He says we did all that. Sean pauses the podcast and tells him not to take credit for what they did.
	+ Bozos wants to say that the way that Andy is portraying the way the call screening is going is not the way that it is going: Bozos says Andy was getting really randy with him. He's been randy before (Ep. #055 - Lauren Lapkus, Our Close Friend)! Sean says that before he came in, he allowed him to do.. what he needs to do.. in order to not be all horned up!
	+ It is something about the phone with Andy. Hayes has had this conversation with Rob, where he gets the phone bill at the end of the month, and there are lots of these 1-900 numbers that show up in there. Andy uses the excuse that he's trying to get video game cheats. Andy calls these numbers then calls the credit card company and says his card was stolen! Were there any charges?
	+ Hayes says that they agree to do his podcast (Haim Slides), but they have to go because a big celebrity is calling Sean (Thomas Middleditch, who needs directions to the studio)
* A.J., Bruce Reid Robinson, another Sam, Asteck, Anthony, another Anthony, British Andrew are all on the line- They consider putting them all on at once. Hayes is worried about just him vs. all these callers. He worries that the sound of all of these male voices, all at once, will just play in his head for eternity. Brett has a lot of power, and Hayes admits that he has a decision to make, because Brett is capable of destroying him if he puts through all these 23-29 year-old men. Sean puts Thomas on speaker, then puts them all through.
	+ Hayes screams in agony as everyone speaks at once! Just as he feared! Awful, awful, awful.
	+ Hayes says Asteck has a nice white cat, and he came to their show that one time
	+ A.J. is a teacher
	+ Bruce Reid is some sort of scientist, and a Jason Mantzoukas fan. He likes too many other shows. Hayes tells everyone on the line, and all the other forums users: none of this C+ stuff on the forums, no U Talkin' U2 To Me references, no He Like Chemicals So He's Like Walter White or something, none of that. Not a single thing that's not explicitly about the show. None of the 'We want some friggin' t-shirts.' If this shows up in Sean's forum again, he's shutting the whole thing down!
	+ DrBlueJeanns has a lot of background noise. Sean thanks him for talking basketball with him that one time, but DBJ doesn't think Rondo is a good fit for the Cavaliers.
	+ Andrew is on the line, his avatar is the guy from the ocean movie Wes Anderson did, Andrew says *Shark Tale*. Hayes asks if Sean ever heard the soundtrack to that, Portugese Bowie!
	+ The other Sam (who isn't on the forums) sounds like a sinister villain to Hayes. Sam says he isn't on the forums, his dad won't let him go on. Sean asks if this is a joke. Sam says he knows them from the podcast. Yeah, no fuckin' shit dude. That's what you're on!
	+ Engineer Cody gets into the wires right before a mass hang-up on everyone, saying "Bababooey"
* Sean wishes everyone a Merry Christmas! Thomas says 'Hi' to everyone, and does a Take 2.

## Recurring Jokes

* Wife and Kids - Sean has used the Swedish from Tom Green's Bum Bum Song for family events
* Talking to the Engineer - they discuss the logistics of taking calls with Brett, and throughout the episode
* Italy - Hayes discusses pizza with Mike from Chicago
* Speak on That - Sean asks rhetorically how the Boston police are just arresting every duck chaser when there are actually real crime guys out these
* Too Scary - Hayes starts hearing an echo, and it scares him and they have to go! He is paralyzed in fear, to hear your own voice when you are not the one who's speaking! Sean gets cheeled to the bone and he feels like he's in *Jeepers Creepers 2*.

## Episode Photos

Sean Clements in the studioHayes Davenport bussin up