Cinema Insomnia's Cyberpunk Special: Abraxas

"*You're not dreaming. You're watching Cinema Insomnia's Cyberpunk Special 1AOK! Tonight's feature has been enhanced in Cyber-O-Vision XM. For an extra immersive effect, put on your old thrift store VR goggles and you will actually feel yourself getting eye herpes.*"
—Future Mr. Lobo

## *Cinema Insomnia's Cyberpunk Special: Abraxas*

The episode's Blu-ray cover, painted by Dixie Dellamorto

### Wraps

1

Mr. Lobo is thumbing through his mail, when he finds an envelope from the FCC (Future Crimes Commission): calling Mr. Lobo a "temporal focal point," the FCC says he's been chosen for termination by the "insurers of the future timeline!" They must have heard he's gonna do *Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla*. Mr. Lobo drops a reference to the R.I.F.F.T. (exclusively on OSI74!) before dropping a reference to *The Terminator* (inclusively everywhere!) and then falling down a paradoxical migraine hole!

2

Theme remix! It slaps! It's a bop! It just hits different! We're thrust into A FUTURISTIC DYSTOPIAN CITYSCAPE, and I already used all of youthful descriptors! And inside this very neat urban sprawl is a retrofuturistic OSI 74 Studios, with a veritable BANK of CRT TVs, and a veritable headless mannequin torso, and a little veritable robot. And ABBAKISS is home! And here comes Mr. Lobo in out of the cyber-rain, looking like a bop. His narration sets the scene. Unfortunately his narration keeps getting interrupted by Babs from the Front Desk with Goo-Goo Mukbang brand cup noodles, problematic verbiage, and a phone call from Alan N. Smithee, president of the network.

Mr. Smithee's calling from an office with a futuristic Miss Mittens and a regular Cosmonauti-74 with the news that he's promoting Mr. Lobo to the long-form franchise content division. Mr. Lobo's second task: make cyberpunk movies, starting with *Turkish Bladerunner*! Mr. Lobo's first task: watch *Terminator 2*, but he can't. He can watch *Guardians of the Galaxy*, but doesn't want to. That leaves us with one other movie...*ABRAXAS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE!*

3

Mr. Lobo starts riffing on *Abraxas* but gets sucked back into narrating. Luckily Cyber-Babs is there to whack him out of it. And now, blipverts!

4

ABBAKISS speaks! Babs from the Front Desk electrocutes! I don't know if Mr. Lobo is programming ABBAKISS or ABBAKISS is programming Mr. Lobo, but Babs seems to be having fun. Mr. Lobo has renewed his oath as a Timekiller, and he administers the Insomniac Oath to us. Now it's back to...THE MOVIE!

5

Mr. Lobo has a good point about the quality of world-building in *Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe*, saying it's better than that in *Star Trek* and *Superman*.

> Mr. Lobo, c/o OSI 74
> Box 74
> Atglen, PA
> 19310
>
>
>

6

Mr. Lobo's back in the present day, narrating the old-fashioned way (talking). A flannel-clad beefcake strolls in and points a gun in Mr. Lobo's face, and Mr. Lobo uncharacteristically Bugs Bunnies his way out of danger. It made him a little antsy, though, and he says he's gonna skip timelines as soon as he can dig his old time machine out of the attic. While he's doing that, we continue...*ABRAXAS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE!*

7

Mr. Lobo has Joe LaScola of Movie Dumpster fame on the communobox or whatever the hell they call them in the future, and they're doing the deepest dive anyone has ever dove into Jim Belushi. Or dived. Joe has a theory that *Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe* is part of a cinematic universe with *The Principal*, the Snyderverse, *Pete and Pete, Forever Knight, The Red Shoe Diaries*, and *Munchie*. Before Joe can tie the knot, the L.L. Beanborg from earlier invades Joe's Video Dungeon and sentences him to off-camera termination for possessing knowledge of the Anti-Entertainment Equation. That's lore, folks! And now that Joe's been shot-dead-murdered, taking his arcane knowledge of the Belushiverse with him, it's time for a Jesse Ventura commercial. (Body buys his beers across the street from Sears!)

8

Mr. Lobo's dug out his good ol' Time Musheen and, feeling confused, and depressed, and sleepy, decides to use it to flee into the future, leaving Miss Mittens and us with...*Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe!*

*9*

We're back in the cyberfuture, and Mr. Lobo is piecing together what's going on: pursued by Earl, who is hunting the Anti-Entertainment Equation, Mr. Lobo of the past kept using his time machine to escape into the future. Remembering this, future-Lobo suddenly grows worried that Earl will sense that he's showing Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe, and hunt him, too! Luckily, in the future, time machines are more advanced, and kind of look like chairs. But we can't go with him, no...we must got with *ABRAXAS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE!*

10

I've got to be honest, I had to watch this twice becasue the first time I was entirely distracted by Babs's facial expressions, but it seems the Anti-Entertainment Equation is a shared universe which, once completed, will bring about an age of universal franchise fatigue. This makes way more sense than the Darkseid version. It's too late to stop destroying reality now, so Mr. Lobo's back on mission: he scanned John Stanley's Creature Features Movie Guide into ABBAKISS and she turned it into a virtual reality program! Virtual John reads the entry on Abraxis from his book, and then gives the fans what they want. The man's a pro.

11

Earl-409 has returned to the present for our Mr. Lobo, but finds only Miss Mittens, whom his AI informs him is their "Imperious Leader" in the future. Miss Mittens wastes no time in bossing him around, and has him throw us into commercials.

12

Mr. Lobo introduces tonight's Reel 7 Girl: R8chel! Or it's possible her name is "Rachel with an Eight" (I'll check the Cinema Insomnia Wiki). She has a cootie catcher, and the news isn't good: Mr. Lobo's results came back positive. Dance him off, R8chel!

13

Y'know, Miss Mittens talks a big game about not being a cannibal, but where'd Earl-409 get tea, huh? Also, why is she cordially hosting Mr. Lobo's assassin? Before these questions can be answered, we're neck deep in a Diet Dr. Pepper commercial.

14

Virtual Mail Sac! Cinema Insomnia fan Jeffrey Allen Arnett has sent video of himself drawing one of his famous Hot Dog Place Doodles™! And what a coincidence, he drew Mr. Lobo! Wow!

15

Mr. Lobo invites viewers to visit the Cinema Insomnia website at, coincidentally, www.cinemainsomnia.com, and to email the show at an email address black hat deckers would just LOVE for me to put here.

16

Mr. Lobo's monologue has retreated inside and he's puzzling out why Mr. Smithee would send him this very un-cyberpunk movie as the blueprint for OSI74's cyberpunk franchise. He's not sure, but he thinks it's beginning to feel a lot like something. Meanwhile Babs has lost her passion for origami, and we return to *Abraxas: Governor of Minnesota!*

17

Alan N. Smithee reveals his sinister plan to Miss Mittens, and then THROWS to the MOVIE? Who does he think he is, Mr. Lobo?

...

18

Alan N. Smithee reveals more of his plan to Miss Mittens, and Miss Mittens, in a move that validates our ship and made fans across the world squee, calls it off, out of apparent loyalty to Mr. Lobo! Oh, and at some point in the past she married Earl-409. Intermission!

19

Surrounded by Christmas lights and Christmas decorations, Christmas sleigh-bells jingling in the air, Mr. Lobo finally cracks it: *Abraxas* is a Christmas movie! But he can't accept it, so we're headed back in one last time to wring any cyberpunk we can out of it!

20

Mr. Lobo has moved into the fifth day of Christmas: acceptance. Joe LaScola returns as an android to explain that Hallmark Christmas movies are the Anti-Entertainment Equation, the Un-Franchise in which every sequel detracts rather than adds to the movies that came before it. Then Mr. Lobo dies. GOODNIGHT!

### Ads

* New Coke, starring Max Headroom
* UnSports74
* OSI 74 T-Shirts, with "Chaz" (Annoying Person)
* Mattel Power Glove
* The Hyp-Notic Eye (on OSI74)
* Taco Bell (Demolition Man edition)
* Cyberpunk 2077
* Chicago Lake Liquors, featuring Governor Jesse Ventura (on Lake Street across from Sears)
* Sleazy Pictures After Dark (on OSI74)
* The Ad Council, VD is for Everybody!
* Pantry Manor (on OSI74)
* Kung-Fu Fridays (on OSI74)
* Nintendo U-Force
* 90.7 FM (I guess just all of them)
* MEGO, 2-XL
* Ghoul-A-Go-Go (on OSI74)
* Monster Creature Feature with Ormon Grimsby (on OSI74)
* Mighty Hall of Heroes (on OSI74)
* Diet Dr. Pepper
* McDonald's, VR Trooper Happy Meals
* Utopia Fantastika (on OSI74)
* Pacific NorthWeird (on OSI74)
* Vance Capley's Spookshow
* Nintendo, Virtual Boy
* Terminator 2, Bio-Flesh Regenerator (I had that!)
* Bizarre Transmissions from the Bermuda Triangle
* Honey Monster Puffs, Judge Dredd
* Miller Lite, starring the Governor of Minnesota and Nathan Lane
* Church of the Subgenius
* Preacher Features

### Trailers

* *R.O.T.O.R.* (1987)
* *Blood Machines* (2019)
* *Futureworld* (1976)
* *Kung Fury* (2015)
* *M3gan* (2022)
* *Blade Runner* (1980)
* *Looker* (1981)
* *Lawnmower Man* (1992)
* *The Zero Theorem* (2013)
* *JM* (black and white *Johnny Mnemonic* (1995), with Japanese subtitles)

### Shorts

* Dylan Mars Greenberg - "I'm the Anomaly" (music video)
* *Plurality* (2012)
* Jesse 'The Body' Ventura - "The Body Rules" (music video)

### Cast

* Mr. Lobo...Mister Lobo
* Future Babs...Dixie Dellamorto
* Earl-409...Tony Piluso
* Joe La Scola...Himself
* ABBAKISS/Answer Box...Roxanne Guarino
* Blimp Announcer...Johnny "3D" Troxell
* Citizens of the Future...Melody Troxell, Johnny "3D" Troxell, and Ryan Hickey
* R8chel...Jessie Seeherman
* Sally the Zombie Cheerleader...Nicole M. King

### Quotes

"*They didn't advertise for Timekillers in the newspaper. That was my profession. Ex-horror host. Ex-macabre MC. Ex-misunderstood movie jockey. Ex-time-killer.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"'*Chili Lime Shrimp,' that's what my ex-co-host Miss Mittens used to call me. Spicy sour filth-eating sea cockroach.*"
—Future Mr. Lobo
"*The charmer's name was Babs from the Front Desk. We worked together on various hosted movie shows. Smithee must have upped her to the Timekiller unit. Her eyes and hair did most of the talking. Her language was called Mute Speak, mime talk. A mishmash of gestures, faces, one-sided conversations, dramatic pauses, Houseplantese, what have you. Mr. Lobo didn't need a translator. I knew the lingo. Every good host did. But I wasn't gonna make it any easier for them.*"
—Future Mr. Lobo
"*A.I. will take care of all the creative stuff in post.*"
—Alan N. Smithee
"*The cyberpunk genre is perfect because you can just put a bunch of stuff together that doesn't make sense, and people think it's edgy or profound.*"
—Alan N. Smithee
"*We have a budget, and locations. And the fast food tie-in collectible cups is a lock! The Goo-Goo Mukbang corporation farms ethically sourced fetuses for artificial shrimp, and they need a tax dodge.*"
—Alan N. Smithee
"*Tonight, we are peeling off our rubber skin to reveal a shiny, chrome-plated endoskeleton and glow-in-the-dark LED eyes as we look at an early '90s film that continued to affirm James Cameron's love of the color blue, long runtimes, and plagiarism.*"
—Future Mr. Lobo

"*That's like an action, sci-fi, comedy, fantasy, superhero K-Tel album.*"
—Future Mr. Lobo, about *Guardians of the Galaxy*
"*Plug in, chickenheads.* Cinema Insomnia's Cyberpunk Special 1-A-OK *jacks you into our mainframe feature transmission from the Great White Noise:* Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe*, in Cyber-O-Vision XM!*"
—Future Mr. Lobo
"*What doesn't kill you makes you more traumatized and mentally divergent.*"
—ABBAKISS

"*Look, I don't remember what the safe word is, but this isn't fun anymore.*"
—Future Mr. Lobo
"*It is getting more and more Bladerunnery in here all the time!*"
—Future Mr. Lobo
"*And speaking of weather, in that last reel there were so many shots of snow-covered trees and bridges, and the flat voice-over, and smooth jazz, Mr. Lobo thought he was watching the Weather Channel.*"
—Future Mr. Lobo
"*DO NOT MOCK ME. I AM HARDER THAN STEEL.*"
—Earl-409
"*Talk about toxic masculinity, this timeline is not very safe for your, uh, soft, squishable, and not-puncture-proof narrator Mr. Lobo.*"
—Mr. Lobo
"*ARRRGH I'VE BEEN SHOT! DEAD-MURDERED!*"
—Joe La Scola
"*I guess it's time for the old According to Jim salute!*"
—Future Mr. Lobo
"*Hurry up and go get comatose! I like when my fleshies are comatose.*"
—Sally the Zombie Cheerleader

### Trivia

* Mr. Lobo's line, "Tommy, can you hear me? Tommy can you see me?" is a reference to the song, "Tommy, Can You Hear Me?" by The Who. It's also a reference to the movie, *Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe*.
* Mr. Lobo also sings, "have you ever tried?" which is from "Make it with You" by Bread.
* The remix of Stompin' at 3am heard in this episode is called "Cyber Stompin' at 3am," and it was performed by Knichel Might.
* Alternate titles:
> *"Abraxas: Guardian of Ontario"
> "Abraxas: Guard Dog of the Punyverse"
> "Abraxas: The Happy Blade Runner"
> "Abraxas: Axis of the Nexus Plexus"
> "Run of the Termalander"
> "Abraxas: Guardian of Whatever"
> "Abric a Brac"*
>
>

## *Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe*

### Produced by

Damian Lee
David Mitchell

### Cast

Jesse Venture
Sven Ole Thorson
Marjorie Bransfield
James Belushi