Garsnout/let go

garpaw had a bit of time to himself after he ran away. he wasn't sure if he wanted it or not, since he desperately needed to vent, but he didn't have anyone. there was no one to trust. everyone he loved, everyone he thought had loved him, they all.. well, he didn't need to think it over for the thousandth time. they all betrayed him. filthy rat bastards, every one of them, and he didn't have an ounce of respect for his old clan anymore. they didn't have any respect for his sexuality, so why would he offer kindness?

he was left with his own mind. he thought a lot, and quickly, too, so his ideas whizzed past him as fast as they came. was puma right? would he go to the dark forest? *bah,* the voice in him said. *aren't we all going there?* and it could've been right. gar just didn't know. the voice could've been wise, but he hadn't ever talked to it before. hadn't ever needed to. "i need someone to tell everything to. i need to let go." gar would think. *dear, you don't need anyone but yourself. don't let go. you need you.*

the voice was his conscience, in all reality. that was just his defense mechanism. retreat into your own mind.

*you can't tell anyone. they'll think you're bad. no one likes anyone bad, so you'll just have to put on a show.*

gar and himself had come up with a plan in just a few days. go from the squishy joker to a stone-cold, heartless snark, and maybe people would leave him alone. he still wanted to talk, so he decided that most of his speaking would consist of sarcastic comments. no one would be curious about it, much less hang out with someone like that, right?

except nani. they met by coincidence (coincidence being that she stumbled into his sleeping hole thinking it was a skunk den), and even though garpaw was the most cynical he could ever imagine being, nani stuck around. she was curious about him, and she somehow knew the snarky attitude was new. maybe it was that he tried to avoid her green eyes or his soft smile that exposed the tips of his fangs when he thought of something perfect to fire back with. nani enjoyed bickering with him, playfully arguing over pointless things, and then the next second they would be agreeing and venting about the world. it was bliss. someone he actually liked - or loved - (platonically, like a sister, though she could never replace snakepaw still) in the middle of a forest he knew he couldn't trust.

it was just too bad when they were forced to split. right after he learned she liked girls, just like he liked guys. right after they said that they would protect each other to the end. the damn cascadeclan patrol sweeping the area, looking around in their territory. they found nani having a nap in a bush. if garpaw hadn't been out hunting, he might've been able to stop them. he could've saved her. *looks like you lost her too, dearie.*

he saw the patrol dragging nani into camp by the scruff (or any skin they could hang onto with their rotten fangs), his friend screaming until her voice sounded raw. screaming that she was innocent and she had been there for a while, but she hunted elsewhere. that she was just a motherly healer and that was it. but cascadeclan had caught a loner on their territory, so it was up to them what to do with her.

he fled from the territory. he wasn't safe. he promised he would come back, just for nani, that he would surprise the hell out of that whole wicked clan and swoop in. he wouldn't let them treat her like they treated him. he stuck up for his family- his real family, the ones he loved- whether it was worth it or not. he promised on the sun he would see her again, but the next day, he took all his belongings with him away, which was merely a pack fashioned out of leaves that had a few minnows and some herbs in it. he took the lotus petal nani gave him, pressed to preserve it, and tucked it in the pack.

he would still have to let go someday. even if the voice in his head said he only needed himself.