Tina Johnson

> Wow, being mean is fun!
>
> - Tina Johnson (*"Ticket to Nowhere"*)

"What Money Can't Buy"

"Ticket To Somewhere New"

"Home Run"

## Musical

### Act One

In Downtown Mountport, **Tina Johnson** resides high above the rest of the town in Tina’s Tower, the only skyscraper in Mountport. Tina is aware of and relishes her reputation as the nastiest woman in all of Mountport, going so far as to have moved out of the Big ‘ol Tree and into the skyscraper in order to be even meaner. During this introspective reflection her assistant, Pinocchio, arrives and informs Tina that they will be unable to build the skyscraper any higher as it would cast a shadow all over the Mountport Baseball Field. Undeterred, Tina reveals to her assistant that this is, in fact, her plan- as she wishes for the entire field to be covered in darkness.

To explain her reasons for this plan to her confidant, Tina reminds Pinocchio of The Prophecy- a legend of a traveling baseball playing girl who is foretold to come to Mountport and change the world, toppling Tina’s reign. As Pinocchio records her evil plans, Tina explains that since the legend states the baseball game must be played in light, by blocking out the sun with her tower, she can prevent the end of her reign ("I'm a Professional").

### Act Two

Tina sits in a train car which is unoccupied other than her luggage- which takes up every seat in the car as she makes her way to Palm Springs. While in transit, Alexa arrives looking for a seat and before she can move on Tina becomes suspicious. Learning that the girl’s favorite sport is baseball, Tina continues to interrogate her, as she increasingly suspects Alexa is the baseball-playing girl from The Prophecy. When Alexa reflects on what disastrous consequences having to play in the dark would have for her, Tina reveals that she is intentionally trying to bring Alexa’s dream to an end. Basking in the joy of her evilness, Tina is taken aback to find that not only is Alexa undeterred, but actively attempting to turn the tables ("Ticket to Nowhere").

The following week, the town learned that Tina had attempted to frame Ethel for the vanishing of the fish and that it was Tina herself responsible for their disappearance. Despite this, she continues to operate from her skyscraper, commanding Pinocchio to build it even higher even though it already casts shadow all over the baseball field. Though he questions the wisdom of continuing construction with shoddy building materials, Pinocchio continues building. Unexpectedly, the tower begins to be taken down as Alexa and Newsie rally the town and begin tearing it apart faster than Pinocchio can build it up. Tina continues to demand her tower be built higher and faster so they can cover everyone in the town in darkness ("What Money Can't Buy").

When Alexa and citizens of Mountport storm the tower to offer Tina a second chance to be accepted by the town, Tina immediately declines, stating that the town sucks and does not scientifically make sense. As the townspeople give their own testimonials about what the town means to them, Tina reflects and admits that she had never really wanted to be mean. Rather, she had been caught up in the legend and prophecy and abandoned her original childhood goal- to be a train conductor of a train that went from a mountain sea town to the middle of the desert. When Tina learns that the previous Conductor has died, she once again adopts her childhood dream and, with the support of the town, adopts the moniker “Sexy Tina, Train Conductress”. With a sense of fulfillment, she realizes that while money can buy many things, it can’t buy a vocation and a passion for overland travel. ("Ticket To Somewhere New")

Following Alexa and the town over to see the big baseball game, Tina is present to see the remains of her tower be demolished by Alexa’s homerun. Unconcerned, Tina begins to more fully embrace the town and celebrates with Alexa and Newsie. As the musical concludes, Tina prepares to travel to Palm Springs with both Alexa and Newsie ("Home Run").

## Memorable Quotes

"I can't be as mean as I want to be in a tree." - prelude to "I'm a Professional"

"Pop quiz. A: Light; B: Dark; C: None of the above" - prelude to "Ticket to Nowhere"

"In old timey speak they say hark" - "Ticket to Nowhere"

"Cover them all in darkness!" - "What Money Can't Buy"

"So I could be, Nice Tina? Or, Cool Tina? Sexy Tina?" - "Ticket To Somewhere New"

## Trivia

* Tina Johnson is the only character whose last name is known.
* Tina remembers growing up with blue skies instead of green, potentially from before moving to Mountport. This implies that Mountport has frequent thunderstorms or other weather effects that cause color changes in the sky.
* As Tina is believed to had been responsible for causing the fish to disappear, and is known to have travelled to Palm Springs with a train car filled with luggage, it is possible that Tina was seeking to sell the illegally harvested fish in Palm Springs.