recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Adeptus Mechanicus

The **Adeptus Mechanicus** is the chief scientific and industrial organization within the Imperium, responsible for virtually all of its manufacturing and research needs. It is also a religious organization that follows the Cult of the Omnissiah, also known as the Machine God, the source of all knowledge. Despite the official state religion of the Imperium being the Cult of the Emperor, the Mechanicus has a special exemption written by the Emperor himself. But to keep relations between the Mechanicus and Ecclesiarchy smooth, they nominally identify the Omnissiah in the Emperor. In addition, they have their own forge worlds, which are ruled directly by the Mechanicus and provide most of the Imperium's technology. In exchange, the Mechanicus receives any archeotech found within the Imperium for study, and gains access to Astropaths and Navigators from Terra.

The religion of the Adeptus Mechanicus grew out of a need to placate the beings known as Machine Spirits, remnants of fully-functional artificial intelligence that went rogue after the Age of Strife. Tech-Priests will perform various bizarre rituals on even the simplest machines in order to coax them into cooperation, as an angered Machine Spirit can be quite dangerous. The Mechanicus is also obsessed with reclaiming lost fragments of STC technology, as innovation and independent discovery is generally frowned upon, or else impossible due to the amount of knowledge lost over the millenia.

In battle, most low-level priests will be lent out as Enginseers to the Imperial Guard to keep their vehicles maintained. By contrast, Space Marines have battle brothers trained by the Mechanicus themselves called Techmarines. As their own fighting force, the Mechanicus primarily use the Skitarii tech-guard and semi-autonomous robots of the Legio Cybernetica, as well as the Imperial Knight Houses loyal directly to the Mechanicus as opposed to the wider Imperium. They are hoarders of technology, possessing a few war machines unique to themselves. They are also responsible for maintaining and operating the Titans, massive land walkers and the heaviest weapons available to the Imperium, and the Ordinatus weapons, massive and uniquely-made superweapons used only against the toughest foes when all other alternatives have failed.

## TTS Canon

In TTS, tech-priests have a sexual fetish for technology, having a dedicated holiday called "Toaster Sex Day." Their mechadendrites are also referred to as "cyberdongs." The Mechanicus' language, Techno-Lingua, is represented as binary; however, when the binary is translated, the words are spelled using L33TSP3@K.

## Characters

* Fabricator-General of Mars
* Delphan Gruss
* Cyberdong
* Belisarius Cawl
* Dominique (technically)
* Techpriest Toastus

## References

1. ↑ Episode 12: Primarch Pessimism
2. ↑ Episode 24: Of Khans and Cages
3. ↑ Episode 28: Custodian Hustle
Episode 3: Inquisitor (Draco), The First 40k Novel

**Episode 3: Inquisitor (Draco)** is the fourth episode of If The Emperor had a Podcast.

## Characters

* The Emperor
* Rogal Dorn
* Magnus the Red
* Wamuudes
* Karstodes
* Ecclesiarch Decius XXIII
* Boy
* Announcer
* Ian Watson (Audio only)
* Stangley Kubricked (Audio only)

## Trivia

* This episode features a new visual format with full character portraits instead of character busts to better visualize the throne room.
* Due to the graphic nature of the book, this is the first podcast designated “Omega-Prioris” and explicitly warns minors not to listen, including Boy.
* The author of the book, Ian Watson, did write the screenplay for Steven Spielberg’s (Here referred to as “Steve Spielman”) film A.I. He was also an associate of director Stanley Kubrick. Kubrick’s line “Who knows, Ian? Maybe this [book] is my next movie?” comes from Watson’s blog, though it is uncertain if Kubrick actually got around to reading the book.
* A number of jokes, particularly Draco's "Love Quest" being finally over, are a reference to Christian Weston Chandler, who uses that exact phrase multiple times in the Sonichu webcomic series. This is the second oblique reference to CWC and Sonichu since Episode 11.
* Thlyy'gzul'zhaeell's artwork appears to be that of Mayor Brimstone's. Whether or not they are one and the same has yet to be confirmed by Alfa.
Old Ones

The **Old Ones** were the oldest and most powerful psychic race in the galaxy. They had become the dominant power in the galaxy up until the War in Heaven, when they fought against the Necrons and their C’Tan overlords, who were immune to their psychic powers and were actively consuming their souls. The Old Ones fought back by creating the Orks, who alongside the Eldar, drove back the Necrons.

The aftermath of the war caused the Realm of Souls to mutate into the Warp, causing daemons and enslavers to kill the surviving Old Ones. It is unknown if any Old Ones are still alive, but their artifacts still remain, such as the Webway.

In TTS, the Emperor describes the Old Ones as a race of toadmen who are constantly irritable and senile, and are shown using rocking chairs. Likewise, their rocking chairs are used to represent the technology they left behind.

## References

1. ↑ Episode 16: Universal History with Professor Emperor
Illiyan Nastase

**Illiyan Nastase** is an Astropath working for the Ultramarines.

## Official Canon

Illiyan Nastase was a character introduced in First Edition Warhammer 40,000 as the Chief Librarian of the Ultramarines. He was a half-eldar who grew up during the Badab War and was recruited as an astropath. Due to the reworked nature of the setting, both the idea of Eldar and Humans being genetically compatible, and the Imperium allowing Xenos in, were made highly infeasible, making Illiyan more or less retconned out.

## TTS Canon

While traveling in the Webway, the Ultramarines brought Illiyan with them to help them locate the Black Library. Marneus Calgar is very insistent upon not allowing him any screentime, possibly to hide the fact that they have a half-eldar in their employ.
Abducted Chronicler

> *"By Macharius' saggy marble-sack, could these weapon names be any more childishly grim?!"*
>
>

The **Chronicler** is an unnamed worker of the Imperial Palace that has been Shanghai’d Into performing various tasks directly for the Emperor.

## TTS Canon

The Chronicler had been leading a tour group through the Imperial Palace, when he was psychically pulled into the throne room by The Emperor. He was made to read from the Dark Eldar codex to explain the various weapons that they carried. He stayed around in the throne room, providing some background banter while everyone else watched the Inquisition's progress in Commorragh. Wamuudes was very annoyed to have him in the room due to his hatred for normal humans.

The Chronicler's mind seemed to do poorly, partly due to the horribleness of the knowledge he was imparted with, and partly due to Magnus the Red's psychic presence when he returned. He even vomited blood when Wamuudes said "By my VICIOUSLY SLATHERED FORESKIN our brothers-in-law are now Orks!" He did however get to enjoy a bucket of chicken wings for his troubles.

The Chronicler’s roleplaying character was a Norscan mercenary named Urban Hagflayer. He is extremely aggressive and brash, with great ambitions for conquering the weak and decadent southern lands, but had a very modest killcount during the game only to idiotically jump into a false portal made by The CSQ.

## Quotes

* *"MY MIND IS A GLASS PANE SLOWLY CRACKING!"*
* *"My mind is no fortress! It is an open pasture ravaged by internecine conflict - and chicken."*
* "*Or Gash-Slash-Weedstasha Banana-Slam-mam-tab-maram*." (When asked to give an Orkish name for himself)
* *"My spine has shattered upon the very concept."*
* *"Oh no."*

## Trivia

The Chronicler is very loosely based on his voice actor, Oculus Imperia, who has a youtube channel detailing WH40K history.

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 Episode 26 Part 2: Fear and Loathing in Commorragh
2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 Episode 27: A Cat to Yarn, A Bird to Folly
3. ↑ Special 6: Tabletop Adventures
Imperial Knights

The **Imperial Knights** are noble houses that operate the various Knight Battlesuits. Smaller than Titans, but significantly larger than most vehicles, and being more numerous and easier to maintain, the Knights are a potent force-multiplier in any conflict. Many are sworn to the Adeptus Mechanicus to watch over feudal worlds that keep the Mechanicus' Forge Worlds fed, though they will also be called upon to assist in campaigns against entrenched enemies.

An Imperial Knight that falls to Chaos will become a Daemon Engine, and loyalist Imperial Knights have sworn to hunt down all such traitors.
Primarchs

The **Primarchs** are the twenty genetically-engineered sons of the Emperor. Each one of them was give their own Space Marine legion based on their own genome to lead during the Great Crusade. However, shortly after they were born, the Chaos Gods scattered them across the galaxy, and they had to be found once more. As each Primarch was discovered, it quickly became apparent that not all of them got along, and some were only barely able to get along with each other. This friction helped precipitate the Horus Heresy, when Horus Lupercal lead half of the Primarchs and Imperial armies against the Emperor. The divide between the Loyalists and Traitors persists to this day.

It is speculated that the Primarchs are more than just genetically-engineered superhumans; due to the nature of souls and the incredible power that each Primarch demonstrates, many believe that each Primarch's soul is enhanced by either by fragments of the Emperor's own power, or possibly from the power he took from the warp at Molech. This is likely why the Chaos Gods kidnapped them and attempted to claim them as their own.

Most of the Loyalist Primarchs are either (officially) dead or missing, with only Guilliman's whereabouts known but stuck in stasis. The Traitors who have known to have survived the Heresy are currently Daemon Princes.

## The Missing Primarchs

The two missing Primarchs out of the original twenty have had the records of themselves and their legions completely expunged. The reason for this is unknown, but Leman Russ had mentioned that Space Marine legions had fought one another before the Heresy, implying that he knew of their fate. Whatever became of them had occurred before Corvus Corax had been discovered, with the remaining brothers sworn to secrecy to never mention them again. The Emperor simply tells Kitten "We don't talk about them" when asked about them. Wamuudes is shown to have memory of the lost Primarchs, numbering the 3rd and the 19th at number 19 and 9 respectively on his list of Primarchs ranked, though he does not give any details of their existence beyond stating that the 19th was "significantly more respectable and substantially-sized" than Lorgar.

## References

1. ↑ Episode 12: Primarch Pessimism
2. ↑ Top 20 Primarchs - Wamuudes' Voice Logs
Retconnian

The **Retconnian** is home to various Warhammer 40,000 characters who have been retconned out of existence by Games Workshop or whose soul have been destroyed. Few, if any, had ever escaped the Retconnian, but Malal can influence the outside world by using his "reality peephole" known as the Tyrant Star.

## Inhabitants of the Retconnian

* Malal
* Horus
* The Squats
* Azazel
Nostalgia

**Kaitlin "Nostalgia" Stevens** is a voice actress for *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*, as well as creating the cutout puppets of various characters used in flashbacks starting in episode 16. She also collaborated with Alfabusa for an April Fool's video in which Cato Sicarius wrote a fanfiction about himself.

## Characters Voiced

* Alicia Dominica
* Boy
* Damsel in Distress
* Generic Dire Avenger
* Generic Daemonette
* Generic Genestealer Cultist
* Ephrael Stern
* Drukhari Driver

## Character Art

"Cutouts" of the following characters:

* The Emperor
* All of the Primarchs
* Ollanius Pius
* Khorne
* Tzeentch
* Nurgle
* Slaanesh
* Cegorach
* The Deceiver
* The Nightbringer
* Asdrubael Vect
* The Fyodperor
* Kaldor Draigo
* The Beast
* Slaughter Koorland

## Episodes Written

* Episode 21: Still Alive
* Episode 0: White Scars (Podcast)
* Episode 1: The Last Church
Chaos Descends

**Chaos Descends** is a series by Karl the Deranged, centered the misadventures of a group of Chaos Cultists. The series intersects with *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*, as the planet is where the Ultramarines found one of the artifacts of Vulkan. The cult also prank calls the Emperor.

## Cast

* Admiral Burke as Enforcer
* Alfabusa as Rickety and Ultarmarine Honor Guard
* Colorfinger as James and Barbosa
* ComradeCrimson as Guardsman and Chaos Sorcerer
* Dr. White as Smarty
* Earndil as Ork Kaptin
* The Fresh Sorcerer as Numbers
* Garrot as Guardsman 2
* Hean as "Joe"
* Ironbeard as Fools Guy
* Jean Claude Van Damme as Vandal Dyker
* Karl the Deranged as Mar
* Kiwi as Crazy Hassan
* Larry Luxus as Stitches
* Sierra as Ork Boy
* Brocas Helm as Brocas
Alpharius Omegon

**Alpharius Omegon** were (or are (is?) ) the Primarch(s) of the Alpha Legion, and the twentieth (and twenty-first) son(s) of the Emperor.

## Official Canon

Alpharius Omegon's homeworld is completely unknown. All that is known is that they were found by Horus, not the Emperor. They were given command of the Alpha Legion; because the existance of the twins was a secret, Alpharius acted as the public face, while Omegon acted as the spymaster, though the two would switch places often. In addition, their Space Marines looked quite similar to them, and could be used as body doubles.

The Alpha Legion worked primarily through subterfuge and information warfare. They had a massive network of spies working for them, and their legion rarely operated under their own colors.

### Horus Heresy

Before the Horus Heresy began, the twins were approached by an Alien collective known as the Cabal. The Cabal warned them of Horus' imminent betrayal, and were given two options: If the Loyalists won, the Imperium would gradually decay and be overtaken by Chaos. But if Horus won, he would be so consumed by guilt that he would destroy Chaos for good, though humanity would be sacrificed in the process. Later however, the twins were also approached by Eldrad, who told them that he did not agree with the Cabal's prediction. While the Alpha Legion did side with Horus, that doesn't mean that both brothers were in agreement, or that the legion didn't fracture with its loyalist component siding with one of the brothers. The seemingly contradictory actions of the Alpha Legion and the fact that different legionnaires did fight under one or the other of the primarchs supports this.

Supposedly, Alpharius was killed by Rogal Dorn during the Siege of Terra, but was also killed by Roboute Guilliman. Whether they killed each brother, or body doubles, or if the story themselves are deliberate misinformation, is unknown.

## TTS Canon

The Emperor referenced Alpharius Omegon as a singular person, so it is still unconfirmed if he knew that they were two people instead of one. He did, however, say that he had "huge anonymity issues."

Everything you have just read is a lie. -Alpharius

## Gallery

Alpharius Omegon's standard cutout, by Nostalgia
Apollo Diomedes

> *"Scones are not fucking bread!!"*
>
>

**Apollo Diomedes** is a captain of the Blood Ravens in the Dawn of War games.

## Dawn of War

Diomedes appears in Dawn of War 2: Retribution. He is second only to Indrick Boreale in terms of meme infamy and over-the-top performance. Unlike the latter, Diomedes survives into Dawn of War 3 as Head Chaplain of the Blood Ravens.

## TTS Canon

Indrick Boreale and Diomedes are both considered by the Alfa Legion to be their spiritual lieges, due to their high meme potential. Knowing this, both of them were kidnapped by Magnus the Red. When he was done with the Alfa legion, Magnus let Kitten decide what to do with the two Blood Ravens; he suggests that they’d just play Call of Duty, to which they agreed emphatically.

During the trip back to Terra, Diomedes and Boreale were pulled into the Warp along with Magnus and Kitten when the former turned off the ship's Gellar Field during a Warp jump. Diomedes became furious with Magnus and swore at him; in response, Magnus put him in time out by trapping him in a box that looked similar to the same one he was trapped in by the Ultramarines though lacking the blanks.

When they returned to Terra, Boreale and Diomedes tried to keep Kitten and Magnus from arguing. While making sandwiches for Kitten, they argued over whether or not scones were sandwiches, with Boreale insisting they were and Diomedes insisting that they were cakes. Diomedes eventually bashed Boreale in the face with his hammer to get him to shut up.

Diomedes and Boreale would accompany Kitten's shield-host on their mission to Mars to acquire the Proteus Protocol. During Belisarius Cawl's attack on the shield-host, Diomedes was the only one among them to score a hit in on Cawl. Diomedes was then subsequently killed by one of Cawl's Kastellan Robot units, much to the despair of Boreale.

## Trivia

* Boreale and Diomedes' scone argument is based on a real twitter argument that Alfabusa had with Nostalgia regarding whether or not scones where sandwiches or cakes. The confusion stems from a Swedish 'scone' being a salty hard bun that is served as a savory snack, whereas a regular (British) 'scone' is a lightly sweetened pastry often served with clotted cream and jam, as well as tea and other similar beverages.
	+ Which side each participant of this argument would stand on was also decided at this time.

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Episode 27: A Cat to Yarn, A Bird to Folly
2. ↑ Episode 26 Part 2: Fear and Loathing in Commorragh
3. ↑ Short 8: Crotalids (apologies to the nation of Australia)
4. ↑ https://twitter.com/Alfabusa/status/1062343797726687232
Episode 18: Banished Expectations

**Episode 18: Banished Expectations** is the 8th episode in the second season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*.

## Appearances

* The Emperor
* Little Kitten
* Magnus the Red
* Fyodor Karamazov
* Dominique
* Blaktoof
* Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka
* Grand Master Elirush
* Inquisitor Adrielle Quist
* Ecclesiarch Decius XXIII
* Kaldor Draigo
* Lucius the Eternal
* Guardsmen
Episode 30 Part 1: Cosmic Irrationality

**Episode 30 Part 1: Cosmic Irrationality** is the tenth episode of the third season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*. The episode was divided into three parts, with the third part being put into hiatus.

## Episode 30 Part 1: Cosmic Irrationality

### Next Video

Episode 30 Part 2: Oh No Oh NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO

### Writers

Alfabusa
Earndil

### VAs

Haven Kendrick
ThunderPsyker
Naerina
StellarElite
TheLemonGrenade
Karl the Deranged
Oculus Imperia
Alfabusa

## Characters

* Lady Malys
* Tahril
* The Deceiver
* Belisarius Cawl
* Datasmith
* The Emperor
* Wamuudes
* Abducted Chronicler
Obiwan Sherlock Clousseau

**Obiwan Sherlock Cluseau** was the first named Inquisitor ever in the Warhammer 40,000 franchise.

## Official Canon

Obiwan Sherlock Cluseau is described in First Edition (aka Rogue Trader) as an exposer of psychic misdeeds and genetic deviance, who is well-equipped to a ludicrous degree and having an eccentric sense of style “like most inquisitors.” His name is an obvious combination of the characters Obi-Wan Kenobi, Sherlock Holmes, and Inspector Clousseau, to describe his character as a fusion of all three.

## TTS Canon

Obiwan Sherlock Cluseau appears as one of the exiled Inquisitors during the trip to Commorragh. He expresses hesitation with The Fyodperor’s suggestion to not immediately kill the Dark Eldar, but eventually agrees to it under his charismatic aura.

## References

1. ↑ Episode 26 Part 2: Fear and Loathing in Commorragh
Episode 18.5: Atrocious Answers

**Episode 18.5: Atrocious Answers** is the 8th & 1/2 episode in the second season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*.

## Appearances

* The Emperor
* Little Kitten
* Magnus the Red
* The Centurion
* Ecclesiarch Decius XXIII
* Tzeentch
* Horus
* Malal
* Squats
* Eliphas the Inheritor
* Gabriel Angelos
* General Sturnn
Calato

> *"It's time that I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD!"*
>
>

**Calato** is a Dark Angels Champion belonging to the Deathwatch. He first appeared in Eliphas' video *Inquisitor: Retarded Edition* and the BEHEMOTH Trilogy before appearing in TTS.

## Inquisitor: Retarded Edition Canon

Calato was first seen accompanying Captain Darius and Inquisitor Kreiger in exploring an ancient ruin of an unnamed planet in order to find the mysterious artifact. While exploring the ruin, Captain Darius lost communication with a sentry he sent to guard the entrance, so he sent Calato and one of his squad mates to investifate. Calato complained to his squad mate that he tired of his life in the Dark Angels and wanted to join the Deathwatch as soon as possible. Later, the duo ambushed by Khorne Berserkers (who were amusingly enough, armed with bolters) and his squad mate was killed.

## Behemoth Canon

After leaving the Dark Angels and (presumably) becoming a Deathwatch Champion, Calato's Kill Team came under the service of Inquisitor Kryptman, though he spent more time preparing recaff than actually fighting. However, he finally got to see some action when the Tyranids first entered the galaxy. Calato helped repel Genestealers aboard Kryptman's ship, and was prepared to fight an onslaught on the world that they were defending.

Calato was very wary about teaming up with the Blood Ravens, as he had heard rumors of their kleptomania.

## TTS Canon

Calato is among the exiled Inquisition when they were found by Leman Russ in the Warp. Calato insulted Russ to his face due to the Dark Angels/Space Wolves rivalry, but later apologized over a pint of Ale.

 He participated at the Battle of Khaine's Gate, attempting to fight off the a group of Plaguebearers led by Epidemius alongside the rest of his Deathwatch contingent. However, almost all of them were killed, with Calato being forcefully removed from combat by fellow Deathwatch member and apothecary Wilford. He became one of the few survivors of the battle of Khaine’s Gate along with several of the Deathwatch contingent.

Calato escaped into Commoragh with the rest of Karamazov's Inquisitorial forces, where he proceeded to act as bodyguard for the revealed Inquisitor Kryptman alongisde Wilford.

## Quotes

* *"Deathwatch, represent. Lion for life, Dogfucker."*

## Trivia

* Calato once hammered Little Billy in the face with a baseball bat for fun.
* The phrase "I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD" comes from a kung-fu fighting priest in the film Braindead by Peter Jackson.

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 BEHEMOTH Trilogy, Part 2
2. ↑ Inquisitor: Retarded Edition
3. ↑ BEHEMOTH Trilogy, Part 1
4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 Special 2: Warp Hijinks
5. ↑ Episode 26 Part 1: Hateful Feud at Khaine's Gate
Proprietus

(I don't ever use stuff like this, but I suppose I could place in some starting info for when this does get properly worked on by someone who's more acquainted with this site.)

From the description of Bruva's video description, Properietus is the principal Vox-caster, which I assume makes him a sort of overseer for the teachings of vox-casting, whom he refers to the ones being teached, "Novitiate's." He's covered in a red and leather brown garb, two speaker-like objects placed on his shoulders with skulls with nails shoved in above them, with 2 similar ones shoved in his jaw.

(Alright that should be a good starting area for the more knowledgeable. I bid thee farewell)
Kairos Fateweaver

> *"That's the one! The one who ravaged my FACE! REVENGE SHALL BE MINE!"*
>
>

**Kairos Fateweaver** is a Lord of Change.

## Official Canon

Being unable to see well into the future, Tzeentch had Kairos go to the Well of Eternity and forced him inside. Kairos emerged with two heads; one head speaks the truth, while the other lies. Kairos saw the entirety of the past and future at once, driving him utterly mad. Kairos is one Tzeentch's most powerful servants, commanding incredible psychic power.

Prior to the Horus Heresy, he revealed the Imperium's grim-dark future to Lorgar during his pilgrimage to the Warp, completing the primarch's fall to Chaos. Later, following Roboute Guilliman's ressurection in *The Gathering Storm*, he temporarily captured Guilliman's Terran Crusade, before he escaped thanks to Cypher and a surprise attack by Skarbrand.

## TTS Canon

Kairos is Tzeentch's greatest lord of change, and is very proud of this. While he often doesn't reveal his intentions or feelings, his second head (which always lies) usually gives away his inner thoughts by stating the opposite.

Inquisitor Adrielle Quist attacked Kairos after asking if he was a genestealer, not caring which head answered yes.

Tzeentch uses Kairos to tell him if he's going to win his next Children's Card Game, if he's not feeling too lazy to ask.

Kairos was present at the Battle at the Gate of Khaine, leading an army of Pink Horrors, where he proved to be one of the most dangerous greater daemons of Chaos. During the battle Karios nearly single-handedly obliterated the entire Grey Knights contingent following Fyodor Karamazov ( he failed to kill both the Dreadknight and Grand Master Elirush), although he got none of the credit, as everyone present was only giving heed to Skarbrand. He later attempted to get revenge on Inquisitor Quist, however he not only failed, but nearly killed Skarbrand in doing so. Was blasted away with the rest of his daemon army when Fyodor Karamazov merged with the Star Child.

## Trivia

* Based on information given by Karios lying head, he feels the need to be validated for his accomplishments and has a deep hatred for Skarbrand.

## References

1. ↑ Special 2: Warp Hijinks
2. ↑ Special 4: Kitten & Tzeentch play a Children's Card Game
Eliphas the Inheritor

**Eliphas** is a Voice Actor, Musician and Artist for *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*. He also animates his own series that takes place within the "TTS-Verse" called the BEHEMOTH Trilogy, which centers on the first Tyrannic War.

Eliphas gets his name from the Chaos faction leader in the *Dawn of War* games. He appears as said character in one of the Emperor's Q&A videos, where he gets psychically punched after insulting the Emperor via letter.

## Characters Voiced

* Grand Master Elirush
* Plaguebearers

## Musics composed

* "Augurs"
* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (Noble Race cover)"
* "The Orthrus"

## Character Art

* Miriael Sabathiel
* Tyranid Hivemind
* Ephrael Stern
* Tu'Shan
* Update for Ahzek Ahriman
* The Deceiver
* Masque of Slaanesh
* Kayvaan Shrike
* Kadus
* Astropath Sassafras
* Barbician Serf
* Catachan Barking Toad
* Eldrad Ulthran
* Sylandri Veilwalker
* Ulthewe Farseer
* Ulthewe Warlock
* Helbrecht
* Skarbrand
* Kairos Fateweaver
* Epidemius
* Saint Celestine
* Star Child
* Lady Malys
* Tahril
* Sisters of Battle
* Canoness Albia Thorne
* Apollo Diomedes
* Indrick Boreale
* Kryptman
* Crotalids
* Megarachnids
* Blood Angels
* Adeptus Custodes
* Hammurabi Unferth
* The Lockwarden
* Kitten's Captain-General armor
* Cherubs
* Iron Warrior
* Imperial Fist
* Abducted Chronicler

### Commissioned, but not yet appeared

* Yvraine
* Kruellagh the Vile
* Isha
* The Silent King
* Prioress Helena The Virtuous
* Prioress Amaryllis
* Ira Benedicta
* Angron
* The Outsider
* The Void Dragon
Cyberdong

> *"Could the Emperor be rebuilt entirely out of cyber-dongs?"*
>
>

**Cyberdong** is a tech-priest of the Adeptus Mechanicus turned Inquisitor found within the Imperial Palace.

## TTS Canon

Every sentence he says is in the form of a question, leading to confusing speech patterns and an endless drove of inane, frequently ridiculous questions.

Cyberdong was charged by the Emperor to find the bike shed of the White Scars Primarch Jaghatai Khan so that the Primarch Rogal Dorn could have a bike of his own.

He later joined the Emperor, Rogal, Ecclesiarch Decius and one of the Fabulous Custodes in watching the Slaaneshmas broadcast in the throne room, wondering if Lucius the Eternal enjoyed cyberdongs. Cyberdong was later promoted to Inquisitor to find out what was inside a Deathwatch vault after receiving a letter asking about it.

## Quotes

* *"Do not fret, for I too have a fixation for slapping my cyberdong against the hull of toasters?"*
* *"Are legs actually vehicles driven by tiny snotlings??"*
* *"Ultramarines may not in fact be ultramarine blue after all, but rather, a shade of cobalt blue, making their entire existence a massive lie?"*

## Trivia

* Cyberdong's appearance and persona is modeled after his voice actor, Remleiz. He phrases everything as a question to poke fun at Remleiz's theorizing about Warhammer lore
* Remleiz uses the same avatar for his own channel, though this character does not use the same bizarre speech patterns and is a full Inquisitor Lord. In an April Fool's video, Remleiz asks if the Emperor could be rebuilt out of cyberdongs (meaning mechadendrites) with the Remleiz character transitioning straight to Cyberdong being berated by the Emperor in his throne room.

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 Episode 24: Of Khans and Cages
2. ↑ Special 3: The Slaaneshmas Special
3. ↑ Episode 2: The Black Templars
Episode 30 Part 2: Oh No Oh NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO

**Episode 30 Part 2: Oh No Oh NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO** is the tenth episode of the third season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*. The episode was divided into three parts, with the third part being put into hiatus. Kitten is sent to Mars where he seemingly meets his end by the Mechanicus. The emperor nearly slits Terra in half with his grief, and Rogal Dorn sacrifices himself to calm his father down

## Episode 30 Part 2: Oh No Oh NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO

### Writers

Alfabusa
Earndil

### VAs

ThunderPsyker
StellarElite
TheLemonGrenade
Karl the Deranged
SpeakerD
Takahata101
Connor McKinley
Stringstorm
Failsnake
Remleiz
HulkyKrow
Tom Schalk
DrWhite
Zegram
Nostalgia

## Characters

* Little Kitten
* The Lockwarden
* Hammurabi Unferth
* Mini Magnus
* The Emperor
* Primummori
* Datasmith
* Belisarius Cawl
* Indrick Boreale
* Apollo Diomedes
* Santodes
* Rogal Dorn

## Trivia

* At the start of the episode, Kitten is seen playing Stellaris, as seen in the Special 7: Space Game Pain.
* The episode was dedicated to CCRockChic, who was one of Cawl's voices.
Questions and Answers

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Hive World Purgatory

**Hive World Purgatory** is a planet invented by Alfabusa that appears a few times in *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*. The setting was originally created for Alfa's *Upper Hive* games, where players participated in a Genestealer-themed version of *Werewolf*. The planet and several of the character were reused in the background of several episodes, but took center stage for the Halloween episode The Shadow Over Immateriums.

The planet is very typical for an Imperial Hive World, being heavily polluted and full of paranoid and delusional citizens. The citizens of this planet seem to be particularly eccentric, as Detective Bruce Norring easily stood out from the various bystanders wearing blue Space Marine helmets and sporting strange hairstyles. The planet has fallen victim to both a Crotch Rot epidemic and a genestealer invasion, one that nearly wipes out the planet as the genestealer cult succeeded in taking over one of its hives. With the cult destroyed, the planet appears to have returned to normal... as far as the locals are concerned.

The citizens of the planet are based on the avatars of the original players who participated in the *Upper Hive* games, using their old Alfa Legion avatar heads affixed to the bodies of various Imperial nobles and peasants. According to the lore of the games, the planet's night cycle is actually an eclipse caused by a massive Ratling passing by in the night sky, and deceased players are sent into the sun by a magic space elevator (whom Karl the Deranged fused with).
Episode 24: Of Khans and Cages

**Episode 24: Of Khans and Cages** is the 4th episode in the third season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*.

## Appearances

* The Emperor
* Little Kitten
* Magnus the Red
* Rogal Dorn
* Leman Russ
* Fyodor Karamazov
* Kaldor Draigo
* Perturabo
* Custodisi
* Cyberdong
* Nurgle Daemon Wife
* Plaguebearer Husbando
* Nurgle Daemon in Pus-covered Cysts
Genestealers

**Genestealers** are a specialist breed of Tyranids that act as a vanguard for their invasion. They will frequently hide out in derelict Space Hulks and seek out populated worlds. They are capable of infecting other species and making them into willing accomplices, creating Genestealer hybrids and building cults around a Patriarch genestealer.

A large enough cult will draw the attention of a Tyranid hive fleet; when the invasion is at hand, the cult will emerge out of hiding to sabotage the planet's defenses, and welcome the arrival of the "star gods"; only to be consumed by the encroaching Tyranids menace.
Inquisitor Headsmash

> *"And on this, the eve of my FORTY-THOUSANDTH straight Exterminatus, I am* happy *to announce at long last... My retirement."*
>
>

**Inquisitor Headsmash** is an Inquisitor who, as his name suggests, smashes his face into giant Exterminatus buttons.

## TTS Canon

Like all Inquisitors, he is extremely trigger-happy when it comes to delivering Exterminatus. He uses a giant red button, which he hits by throwing his whole face into repeatedly. He's destroyed two worlds so far; one where Slaaneshi porn was discovered upon, and another where Hobo Guardsman said that he was joining Chaos. How he's able to hear casual conversations from up in orbit is unknown.

Headsmash announced his retirement following his 40,000th Exterminatus, but he and his ship were brought to Commorragh when Kaldor Draigo swallowed up the nearby star that he and the rest of the inquisition had been teleported to. Headsmash was delighted to be joining the Fyodperor. However, he also voiced concern that complying with the Dark Eldar’s demands was a really bad idea, even under Fyodor’s charismatic aura.

## References

1. ↑ Episode 19: Warp Grumbling
2. ↑ Unsubtle Criticism starring the Adeptus Arbites
3. ↑ Episode 26 Part 2: Fear and Loathing in Commorragh
Left-shoulder man

**Left-shoulder man** is the servitor on the left shoulder of Fyodor Karamazov's Throne of Judgement. He seen manning the multi-melta and occasionally on drugs. After the Star Child took control of Fyodor and transformed him into the Star-Fyodperor, Left Shoulder man earned a crown, a golden mask, and his multi-melta refurbished with ruby red and gold while still high on another world through most events.
Ephrael Stern

> *"You two clearly tread the paths of the swole. A rare divergence amongst your kind. Where are you hiding the protein?"*
>
>

**Ephrael Stern, the Daemonifuge** is a Sister of Battle working on the behalf of the Harlequins.

## Official Canon

Ephrael Stern had been an ordinary Sororitas until an ill-fated mission to investigate an artifact, of which she was the sole survivor. The artifact contained a bound daemon and corrupted some of the sisters; those who weren't corrupted were flayed alive and bound together into a cage. But their faith in the Emperor was strong enough that they were able to imbue Stern with the knowledge and power needed to fight Chaos, allowing her to escape.

While still uncertain of what happened, Stern was found by her order and kept under quarantine, until she ripped a daemon out of one of her sisters and uncovered a Slaaneshi cult within the sect. This caught the attention of the Inquisition; one Inquisitor brought her to defeat the daemon that killed her fellow sisters, but was killed in the process. Other inquisitors thought that she was corrupted herself. Stern had died twice in her adventures, only to mysteriously come back to life not long after.

The Harlequins decided that they needed Stern as a potent countermeasure to Chaos, and sent the Pariah to bring her to the Black Library. Because she was being hunted by the Inquisition, she agreed to come. However, they were both captured for a while by Ahzek Ahriman, who wanted to enter the library himself. They were just barely able to escape into the Webway.

## TTS Canon

Ephrael Stern has made it to the Black Library, but she's very displeased by the Harlequin's food. Ephrael Stern is apparently very fixated on gains and mocks the Eldar for their more slender figures. She barges in on Cegorach's jokes to loudly complain about the Xenos' hospitality before vanishing back into the library.

She later reappears in Episode 29 as a means of collateral for a deal made between Magnus the Red and Cegorach, the latter sending the both of them to a moon where Eldrad Ulthran is making preparations for the ritual to birth the god Ynnead.

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Episode 25: Fiery Family Reunion
Jebarion

> "*Whatever curse you levy I take before an eternity of suffering...*"
>
>

**Jebarion** is a Drukhari of the Kabal of the Black Heart.

## TTS Canon

Jebarion is part of the Drukhari force that met the the Inquisition as they entered Commorragh. He is "pretty stoked" to torture daemons when he found out that Khaine's Gate broke.

Jebarion is next seen on a transport sending Leman Russ to the Crucibael Arena. Russ grows bored on the trip. Jebarion tells the Drukhari don't interact with him, but Skraket insists on playing a word-guessing game to entertain him. Each time Russ thinks of a word it becomes reality, and he uses this to torture the Drukhari. During the third round, Jebarion deduces that Leman is thinking of Slaanesh. He guesses "She-Who-Thirsts," but Russ doesn't accept this answer. Jebarion manages to pass his turn on to Xylatro to avoid saying answering again. Xylatro is enraged by Jebarion's cowardice and curses his ancestral line. Slaanesh drinks Xylatro's soul as he tries to answer. Russ doesn't hear Xylatro and demands Jebarion answer. Jebarion is too terrified to answer, but Russ falls asleep before Slaanesh fully manifests. This leaves Jebarion traumatized and he breaks down crying. The transport arrives at the Arena and Jebarion is dragged away by wracks.

## References

1. ↑ Episode 26 Part 2: Fear and Loathing in Commorragh
2. ↑ Russ plays a 'Small Baby Game' with the Dark Eldar - Vox-Logs
Abaddon the Despoiler

**Abaddon the Despoiler** is the Warmaster of Chaos, Commander of the Black Legion, and leader of the 13th Black Crusade.

## Official Canon

Abaddon was originally the First Captain of the Sons of Horus, having fought many battles in the Horus Heresy. When Horus was defeated at the Siege of Terra, though, the Traitor forces retreated into the Eye of Terror. With the legion now broken and without a leader, many broke off into other war bands until Abaddon reformed the Sons of Horus into the Black Legion, and cemented his leadership by launching the first Black Crusade.

There have been thirteen Black Crusades in total; originally they were all attempts to seize Cadia, the only secure way out of the Eye of Terror, but this has since been retconned. Each Crusade was a separate operation with its own goals; in the twelfth Black Crusade, Abbadon obtained the Blackstone Fortresses, which he used in the thirteenth Black Crusade to smash Cadia's pylon network and allow the Eye of Terror to expand. His ultimate goal is to eventually reach Terra and finish what his father started by killing the Emperor.

## TTS Canon

Abaddon had Fulgrim call up Lucius the Eternal to tell him that he was "having another one of his huge parties,” meaning the thirteenth Black Crusade. Eldrad Ulthran saw Abaddon and his Crusade in a vision, and was forced to contact Asdrubael Vect to warm him of the impending war.

## TTS Canon?

Before these events however, it is said that Abaddon the Despoiler was out walking on the ruins of Cadia when suddenly he stumbled upon a tear in space/time that led directly to the Throne Room of Terra. The Emperor was actively discussing with Little Kitten, seemingly in the middle of a segue about the Adeptus Mechanicus's inability to update their technologies. Abaddon emerged from the rift, smashing into Kitten and interrupting the exposition. Ensued a confusing exchange where Abaddon introduced himself loudly to no-one in particular while the Emperor tried to make sense of the situation and introduce himself as well. The cacophonous altercation stopped once Abaddon shot Kitten, prompting the Emperor to stop playing Mr Nice guy and proceed to psychically rip off the Chaos Warmaster's arms before wishing him away. Abaddon was left adrift in space, now armless. Meanwhile the Emperor and his caretaker resumed their discussion, which was focused back on the business between the Necrons and Blood Angels, a discussion which would end with the Emperor bursting into TTS laughter.

## References

1. ↑ Episode 18: Banished Expectations
2. ↑ Special 5: Just Aeldari Things
3. ↑ The Fate of Abaddon (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAzUoMi8WSg)
4. ↑ Episode 9: Necrons
Episode 22: Change

**Episode 22: Change** is the 2nd episode in the third season of *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*.

## Appearances

* The Emperor
* Little Kitten
* Magnus the Red
* Rogal Dorn
* Karstodes
* Custodisi
* Wamuudes
* Diavodes
* Typhus
* Tzeentch
* Nurgle
* Isha
* Khorne
* Slaanesh
* Tyranid Hivemind
* Khaine
* Random Plague Marine
Ecclesiarchy

The **Ecclesiarchy**, also known as the **Adeptus Ministorum**, is the state religion of the Imperium of Man, based on the widely disseminated *Lecitio Divinitatus* that proclaimed the divinity of the Emperor. The church mandates the worship of the Emperor as the savior of humanity and the uniter of its massive empire. It is an extremely powerful organization that can leverage its influence by labeling detractors as heretics, a crime punishable by death. Unknown to them or the Imperium at large, the *Lectitio Divinitatus* was written by Lorgar prior to the Horus Heresy.

After the Reign of Blood, the Ecclesiarchy can no longer maintain its own military force. However, on a technicality, it maintains a seperate order called the Adeptus Sororitas, an all-female sect that sidesteps the prohibition of *men* under arms. They serve as guardians of holy sites and prosecute the purging of heretics on many worlds. In this capacity, the Ecclesiarchy works closely with the Inquisition's Ordo Hereticus.

## Members

* Ecclesiarch Decius XXIII
* Goge Vandire
Konrad Curze

**Konrad Curze** was the Primarch of the Night Lords, and eighth son of the Emperor.

## Official Canon

Konrad Curze was found alone on Nostramo, a planet plunged in perpetual night. Criminals ruled the hives with an iron fist. Without anyone to raise him, Konrad instead became a vigilant and punished criminals in horrifyingly gruesome displays. Over time he became the legendary Night Haunter, and was made de facto ruler of the planet.

When the Emperor came to his planet, Konrad shrieked in horror and attempted to claw his eyes out, as he saw the deaths of his fathers and brothers - save for Fulgrim, whom he perceived would somehow cheat death.

While Konrad had been given command of the Night Lords, Nostramo once again fell into criminality. And his formerly noble hand-picked marines had been replaced by increasingly psychopathic murderers who reveled in terrorizing their victims. Eventually, Konrad decided that enough was enough, and destroyed Nostramo. His brothers, already concerned with his mental instability, were shocked, and were about to bring him in to justice.

### Horus Heresy

Before anything could be done about Konrad, Horus' betrayal became known. The loyalists who gathered on Istvaan III became victims of the Drop Site Massacre, wherein the traitors, now with Konrad among their number, wiped out the Salamanders, Iron Hands, and Raven Guard. Though Vulkan survived, he was given over to Konrad for torture.

Konrad unsuccessfully tried to kill his brother over and over, but Vulkan eventually escaped. Konrad followed him to Ultramar where the other Loyalists gathered, and began a campaign of harassing them to keep them away from Terra. Konrad was eventually captured by Lion El'Jonson, but Konrad had the last laugh when he revealed to Roboute Guilliman what destruction Lion had caused to get to him.

Konrad eventually escaped, but not long after the Heresy ended, he was cornered alone by an Imperial Assassin. Having foreseen this, Konrad allowed her in, as he was done being the Night Haunter. While it is believed that the assassin killed him, there is no confirmation as of yet.

## TTS Canon

The Emperor complained that Konrad Curze "couldn't stand a little fucking sunlight, and was constantly feeling persecuted by fantasies of a dark and depressing future." Kitten suggested that instead of being assassinated by a mere mortal, Konrad could've taken some "Primarch Cyanide" distilled from the noxious juices of Perturabo's gene seed.

## Gallery

Konrad Curze's standard cutout, by NostalgiaKonrad Curze's angry cutout
## References

1. ↑ Episode 12: Primarch Pessimism
2. ↑ Episode 27: A Cat to Yarn, A Bird to Folly
Earndil

**Earndil** is a primary writer and voice actor for *If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device*.

## Characters Voiced

* Grand Provost Marshal of the Adeptus Arbites
* Epidemius
* Random Commissar
* Pink Horrors
* Plaguebearers
* Jebarion
* Dark Mechanicum Priest
* Stangley Kubricked
* Brukham Nougat

## Episodes Written

* Episode 25: Fiery Family Reunion
* Episode 0: White Scars (Podcast)
* Episode 1: The Last Church
* Episode 1: Catachan Capers
* Special 5: Just Aeldari Things
* Episode 2: The Black Templars
* Episode 26 Part 1: Hateful Feud at Khaine's Gate
* Episode 27: A Cat to Yarn, A Bird to Folly
* Episode 3: Inquisitor (Draco), The First 40k Novel
Adeptus Custodes

The **Adeptus Custodes** are the personal bodyguards of the Emperor. They are roughly similar to the Space Marines in that they are superhumans implanted with genetically-engineered organs. Unlike the space marines, they do not get a gene-seed from any Primarch, but instead are custom-tailored by the Emperor himself. They are taller, stronger, and hardier than space marines, and use specialized wargear. They maintain a rigorous training program known as the Blood Games, where selected Custodes attempt to break into the Imperial Palace, while the other Custodes must try to stop them.

Custodes who served directly under the Emperor when he was alive were known as the Companions. While not an official rank, they are respected as being among the few alive who remember him and knew his will.

After the fall of the Emperor, the Custodes have never left the Imperial Palace. They wear black as a sign to show their mourning, and only allow a select few to have an audience with the Emperor. They remain largely aloof of the state of the Imperium, save for times when Terra is directly threatened.

## TTS Canon

Many of the Custodes have become insane and have stripped off their armor. A few are based on old first edition Warhammer art (especially the character Lrak), but most are based on various characters from *JoJo's Bizarre Adventure*, particularly the Fabulous Custodes. Those who have not are still somewhat nutty after all their time spent in isolation, such as the passive-aggressive Emissaries Imperatus, or the Shadowkeepers who consider wearing black as being equally erogenous as being naked. While Trajan Valoris is not the current Captain-General, he was nominated for the position, but was considered to be too much of a Warmaster compared to Kitten's fatherly disposition.

## Members

* Captain-General Kitten
* The Fabulous Custodes
* Diavodes
* Santodes
* Hammurabi Unferth
* The Lockwarden
* Lrak

## Trivia

* Prior to Warhammer 40,000 8th edition, the Custodes were unplayable and were hardly fleshed out past their initial appearance in 1st edition. Besides the part about “shedding their wargear” taken literally in TTS, the show didn’t have much information to go on, including the name of the current Captain-General in the 41st millenium. This had lead to a couple inconsistencies with canon due to retcons, but are generally played for laughs.