The Imperial Guard Manual

1. You are expendable, prove you’re worth something.

2. Don't form any deep
relationships with your fellow guardsmen, they will drop like flies.

3. Orks are ~~not~~ *always* friendly.

4. Your lasgun is just a powerful flash light, aim for their eyes.

5. The Commissar is your best friend, unless you piss him off.

6. No-one is stupid enough to give you life insurance.

7. A lasgun shot to the face will put most foes down regardless of armour save. However, due
to budget constraints,
your lasgun has not been fitted with sights of any kind, let alone a scope.

8. The lasgun will never get outdated or replaced by something better.

9. If you are asked by a Commissar why you retreated tell them you were advancing in the other direction.

10. There's a litany for everything.

11. The Commissar is always right.

12. Only buy the Imperial Infantryman’s Uplifting Primer.

13. When in deadly danger, when beset by doubt, run in little circles, wave your arms and shout.

14. Don’t hope to get back home: your chances left you when you signed up.

15. There is nothing
special about you, only the tank you and your comrades are being the shield for.

16. Emergency or no emergency, if you melt the battery of your lasgun in a campfire, you're paying for a replacement.

17. When facing a force of
Chaos, shoot the guy with the glowing eyes first.

18. When the battle is
over, go ahead and shoot yourself. Inquisitorial Interrogation is much
worse.

19. NEVER under ANY circumstances allow yourself to be taken alive.
Your enemies will devour your soul,
torture you in ways they Imperium has not
even BEGUN to explore, feed you to a Daemon, hack you apart with blunt axes
and
swords made from scrap metal, or impale you on a spike. If possible, go
out with the largest bang possible.
Who knows, you could get sainthood if you
blow up someone important.
20. They are called "Rhinos" not "Metal Boxes", no
matter what the heretical forces of Chaos say

21. Don't ask for better
armour, you won't get it.

22. Titans will step on you if you don’t
move.

23. Massed fire is your only chance of survival. Pour your shots into
the same target as everyone else until it drops, and then jump to the next
target.

24. Few things can beat a Leman Russ. Stick near it whenever
possible.

25. Baneblades are the gods of the Imperial arsenal. Just cover
your ears when they fire.

26. When you see a Titan stomping into the
battlefield, get the HELL OUT OF THE WAY!

27. If the Flesh Tearers ever
suggest a joint attack where you attack from opposite sides and meet in the
middle respectfully decline.

28. Never get caught "rubbing your lasgun".
Inquisition would arrive to purge the unclean

29. Your bayonet will break at
the most inopportune time, so stick to shooting.

30. The techpriests hate
your guts and may probably try to rig your gun first chance they get, so be sure
to know how to maintain your own weapon.

31. Any machine with a red blinking
light is going to explode so run away.

32. The Inquisition is not your
friend. They just don’t see you as much of a threat.

33. When in
doubt....refer to rule 1.

34. Grots are not worth the las-shot, they're even
more pathetic in combat than you

35. Orks are still ~~not~~ *always* friendly

36. NEVER
begin a joke to the Commissar with the phrase "What did the heretic say to the
Commissar with the stick up his ass?"

37. Everyone wants you dead and/or
doesn't give a crap. Get used to it.

38. Always change your socks and pants
after a fight. ... Trust me, facing down a charging, screaming Ork carrying a cleaver as big as your torso will make you WANT a fresh pair of pants.

Never stand between two Titans.

40. Never hit on a Sister of Battle or Sister
Hospitaller.

41. Never joke about compensating for a small one with a big
hat.

42. Remember to place cardboard under your armour. That will give you
better protection.

43. Always stand INSIDE the trench, and in the second or
third line of the charge outside of them.

44. If anything goes wrong blame it
on an Ogryn

45. Your gun is worth more than you. Be nice to it.

46. If
there are twice as many of you guys as there are the enemy you will still
die.

47. You will die, get used to it

48. Try to get shot, it wastes the
enemy’s bullets

49. Don't argue with the end of a pulse rifle, it argues
harder.

50. Survive 15 hours....... Then read the rest

51. You know those
heroic Imperial Guardsmen you read about facing down hordes of enemies? Yeah...
you’re not one of them.

52. Think positive, VERY positive.

53. No
pressure.

54. Try to be the heavy weapon in your squad you'll be the only one
killing anything

55. 57. If you are the man with the heavy weapon everyone
else will illuminate your target for you with a red dot from their ~~laserpointer~~ Lasgun

56. Attack
the front always!

57. If they have a weak rear, its a trap. Attack the
front.

58. If they are weak to flanking, they expect it. Hit them in the
front.

59. If you're losing, you're not trying hard enough.

60. If you're
trying hard enough and still losing, start screaming various profanities and
your love for the Emperor.

61. Scream LOUDER.

62. Make sure your dogtags
are not lost for easy identification. We don't have dental records.

63. It's
a good thing to be surrounded, you can attack in all directions.

64. If they
are strongest at the front, attack there. They won't expect it.

65. Rule 64
is always true.

66. Rule 65 is always false.

67. Don't ask
questions.

68. Throw whatever you can at the enemy.

69. Eldar never tell
the truth.

70. Eldar sometimes give you valuable info.

71. If this
handbook confuses you, keep it to yourself and read it upside-down.

72. If
rule 71 doesn't work, throw this book at an enemy. You'll be following rule

73. If you have any questions for the love of the Emperor don't ask a
Commissar. They will see it as heresy

74. If you beat a Commissar in game he
will see it as heresy

75. If you lose a game to a Commissar he will see you
as weak and punish you for your insolence

76. Don't play games with
Commissars

77. If you can't avoid rule 76 try to play a team game on the
Commissar’s side (rule 75 still applies)

78. If there is the result of a tie
all participants will be lashed 20 times for lack of effort (except the
Commissar.
It’s not his fault he was paired up with incompetents)

79. You
know that nagging thought that lingers in every Guardsman’s head? Just remember,
the Inquisition will ask
why your lasgun shot ended up in your Commissar's
face.

80. No, for the love of the Emperor, the Sisters of Battle WILL NOT lay
you. Ever. You don't matter enough.

81. If captured by the Dark Eldar, you
will be beaten, raped, forced to fight other horrible monsters,
and killed if
you do anything wrong. Basically, it's the same thing you went through in the
guard, expect with better rations.

82. If you ever decide to betray your post
and succumb to Chaos, always make sure that your Commissar is properly killed,
beaten,
cremated, and his ashes dumped off a cliff before shouting "DEATH TO
THE FALSE EMPEROR!" Then duck to avoid the discharge from his gun.

83. If you
will surrender, surrender to the Tau. Say you'll "Think about" joining the
Greater Good. This should give you twenty minutes of
peace before your POW
camp is raided by Imperial Forces, and it's back to the daily grind.

84. When
at all possible, stay next to the Baneblade. When your Commissar orders you to
move out,
tell the tank crews you see a Eldar right behind where the
Commissar is standing.

85. Save all of your heroics for facing the Necrons.
When they kill you, you just disintegrate.

86. Remember the chain of command.
Survive for an hour, and you become an officer. Survive for ten hours,
you
become a General. Survive for a week, and you become the new Emperor.

87. I
don't care how many genetic enhancements you have, Storm Troopers, you are NOT
Space Marines.
Do not attempt to do anything they do.

88. When working
with the Space Marines, check the title of your story to see if it doesn't say
"Dawn of War."
If it does, you'll be fighting them at some point.

89. When
battling the Eldar, don't waste the ammo of your lasgun.
Ramming them with
the back of your gun is just as effective. This applies to tanks and buildings
as well.

90. This handbook also doubles as your ration of toilet
paper.

91. If you run out of juice on your lasgun, don't ask for another
Lasgun battery, the commissar will shoot you.
The battery is worth more than
you are.

92. This book must be treated with respect and may not be vandalised
on punishment of death, but it still is your ration of toilet paper
for your
time of service. (But it also works great for killing Grots)

93. If you do
have to use toilet paper use someone else's book, they will be shot instead of
you.

94. Stealing enemy weapons is only heretical if it does not kill the
enemy on the first shot.

95. You have complete freedom of speech in the
Guard. However, the Commissar just has the freedom to shoot you for it.

Your Commander holds the right to trade you for any amount of gumballs he so
pleases. That's about all your life buys.

97. The Commissar never runs out of
bullets. Ever.

98. Why are you still reading this? Look up.

99. If you're
dead, stop reading this. If you’re still alive, move to 100

100. After that
bout of bowel clenching horror, use the supplied Guardsmen portable
toilet.

101. Using the Adeptus Mechanicus toilet will result in being
processed into a waste digesting servitor.

102. If you get promoted remove
your rank insignia. That way snipers won't know you are an officer.

103. If
your lasgun runs dry, shoot them with your pistol. If your pistol runs out, stab
them with your knife.
If your knife breaks punch and kick them. If your arms
and legs are blown off gnaw them to death.
If your jaw gets shot off then
die on top of them and crush them beneath the weight of your collective
corpses.

104. Surrender is not an option. Neither is retreat, tactical
withdrawal, advancing in the opposite direction, or honourable death.

When all else fails call the author of your story/novel/comic and authorize them
to use a Deus ex Machina.

106. You are only authorized to fight on planets
where there are Titans, pieces of Titans, or Titan producing-factories.

If you are overrun by Tyranids overload your lasgun's power cell. Otherwise they
may incorporate it into their biology.

108. For the love of the God-Emperor,
why are you a guardsman? You should have been a Commissar!

109. The only
acceptable situations for a guardsman to cry is if the enemy is going to rape
you, or is raping you.
All other instances will result in you being shot by
your local commissar.

110. If you can see the enemy, you're dead.

111. If
you can hear the enemy, work your way to a line further back. When questioned,
say you are going to get more ammo.

112. If someone else can hear the enemy,
ask them where they hears it from and push them in that direction.

113. Never
tell anyone you can hear the enemy.

114. Wow, I got to rule 114? Amazing! I
thought I'd be sh--

The previous writer has been shot dead for writing a
helpful text for the Imperium. But, after he died,
his superiors stole his
idea and took all the credit. Now I am writing the
The previous writer has
been shot dead for writing a helpful te
The previous writer ha
The
pre
The
Ah, this is the Emperor. Now that I have finally taken the credit
for such a good idea, I will finish writing the book.

115. If you have a good
idea, make sure it stays a secret.

116. Remember, your lasgun is insured,
you’re not.

117. If you lose your armour, find a large cardboard box. Cut out
2 holes in the side,
2 in the bottom and one in the top. This should be an
effective substitute for your normal armour.

118. That wasn't
Chicken.

119. See that chain sword? Only important people get them, you are
not one of them.

120. Space Marines only regard you as cannon fodder. Pretend
not to hear them when they tell you to charge.

121. You are a heretic,
whether you actually succumbed to Chaos or not. Nothing will change that. That's
why the Sisters attack you every chance they get.

122. Your first aid kit
only consists of a lasgun battery with enough juice for one shot. Make it
count.

123. Only the Space Marines are important enough to get Apothecaries.
Your healers only fix your tanks.

124. When a Chaos Sorcerer causes a
Guardsman to see his worst nightmare, all he will see is Frank, the Inquisitor
Titan Commissar.

125. If you feel that you are treated unfairly, you may join
a Guardsman’s Rights Union (note that they are all heretics).

126. When
facing Tyranids, don't blame yourself for dying. You had very little
chance.

127. When facing Tau, pretend to join their Greater Good then shoot
them in the back.

128. If weapon is taken away while attempting rule 127, say
that you are an intelligence officer. You may live another day.
129. If rule
128 fails, scream "FOR THE GREATER GOOD!!!" and run wildly for the exit. Results
may vary.

130. If rule 129 fails to produce good results ask to be made a
PoW, then when the Tau try to arrest you grab one and threaten to kill it
somehow.

131. When carrying out rule 130, grab his windpipe and squeeze. In
fact, Tau probably don’t have windpipes.

132. Never start a land war in Asia
and never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

133. Your mom
stops loving you when you stop killing enemies.

134. Don't get killed by
Chaos, otherwise your souls will hate you

135. If all your brothers get
killed in service, you're not going home to your mom. This isn't Saving Private
Ryan

136. When fighting Orks, a cork is your best friend.

137. When
fighting feral Orks, keep your head down, they can actually shoot you.

When you die, try to position your body in front of the tanks to keep them from
getting hit.

139. Eldar may not be as tall as you think, but they can still
kill you in a hundred different gruesome ways (39-140 in “The Ways to Die
Handbook”)

140. Especially those spiky Dark Eldar.

141. The Adeptus
Mechanicus does not appreciate you attaching magnets to their craniums, no
matter how funny they look when it scrambles their CPU.

142. Nor do
Necrons.

143. Who cares about conserving ammo? When the Commissar isn't
looking, charge to maximum setting so your lasgun can do more than leave
sunburn.

144. The setting is called 'mega-zot' by the way.

145. Those
little things at the Orks feet are called grots. All those inaccurate bullets
they fire will have one that will find its target. Make sure it isn't
you.

146. If you and your fellow guardsmen dislike your commissar, in the
next charge make sure he was... killed in action

147. Got kids? They will
soon be fatherless.

148. During night fights you will exchange your lasgun
for the more effective flashlight; it will blind the enemy long enough for the
tanks to acquire a target.

149. Discard this rulebook if you get promoted to
Heavy Weapons Team. Just entrench in a position and wait out this millennium.
Maybe the next one will be more peaceful.

150. The Imperial Navy is not your
friend. When they start firing, they don't even consider you
obstructions.

151. If you are being taken prisoner by an enemy faction, and
he is spouting off a long monologue, shoot him there.
You may die by his
forces, but heck, if he spouted off a monologue, he must be important.

If you are in the same squad as Commissar Yarrick, and he doesn't shoot you with
his laser eyes
in the first few seconds, he is satisfied. You will survive
this war.

153. When they say "The Emperor Protects," remember the part
everyone forgot. "...except the Guardsmen. He's not even going to bother with
them."

154. Apply for a driver's license as soon as you can. You can thank me
later once they allow you to drive a Leman Russ.

155. Orks are still not
friendly

156. Chaos promises you cookies and cake

157. The cookies are a
lie

158. There is no cake.

159. The Emperor promises pie.

160. You have
to survive 20 years to be given pie.

161. Only Yarrick gets two
slices

162. Write a farewell letter for tomorrow you'll die.

163. Hope to
stay alive is the first step on the road of Commissar friendly fire.

Some Orks have been known take guards teeth to pass off as their own. Feeding
intravenously isn’t as bad as it sounds.

165. Orks, Eldar, Chaos, Tau, the
Inquisition, Commissars, and anyone else will try to kill you... Yes,

that’s
right, you have no friends. If you would like to dispute this go ask the
Commissar.
166. Orks are still ~~not~~ *always* friendly

167. Stop reading and go die
for your Emperor

168. You are an Imperial Guardsman, it's time you started
acting like it.

169. You made it all the way to rule 169! Drop and give me
200!

170. This is as good as life gets, everyone not in in the guard have the
horrible burden of living and free will.

171. Tau are actually space
cows

172. If you are assigned a plasma weapon try and trade it for something
that does not explode at random

173. If your plasma gun begins to make weird
noises refer to rule 68

174. If you don't know what rule 68 is then just do
what comes naturally

175. Orks are friendly unless otherwise stated in
previously stated

176. Rule 175 was written by my retarded cousin I
swear

177. Before battle, inject pure sugar into your veins so that when
enough of you die Khorne will get diabetes.

178. Remember this when you think
you stand out – camouflage is useless under tank treads.

179. Point your gun
at the enemy

180. Your Commissar is always on your side. Thank him for
shooting you; he wants you to sit beside the Emperor earlier.

181. The icons
of the most holy and righteous Emperor shall not be referred to as "The goofy
lookin' dead guy".

182. Civilians are not to be referred to as "Tyranid Take
Out".

183. You may not use weapons looted from fallen Orks, heretics or
anyone else that has a gun that can hurt things larger than a grot.

"Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home" is a proper battle cry.

185. "Meat Shields,
ATTACK!" is not a proper battle cry.

186. "For the Glory of the Emperor" is
an acceptable battle cry, as is "For the Honour of the Emperor". However, "For
the Amusement of the Emperor" is not.

187. I am not to speak on behalf of my
platoon. Especially with the opening line "We, the acceptable losses, salute
you."

188. The current conflict is NOT a Humie Waaagh!

189. The name of
the current campaign is not "Operation We're All Gonna Die".

190. Giving the
enemy your plasma weapon is not the easiest way to kill them.

191. You are
not allowed to replace lasguns with super soakers. Even if they are more
effective.

192. It is forbidden to head bang to Noise Marine rock music, no
matter how tough the lead guitarist sounds.

193. Roll on the floor laughing.
That way they’ll think you’re dying and shoot someone else

194. Always try to
be the last one into a fight, that way you might get a chance to run

195. If
your lasgun breaks, keep pulling the trigger...you might get lucky and kill
yourself with a misfire

196. You killing anything is much less likely than an
Ork being able to fire his gun using only his imagination

197. Fall down as
much as possible, you might get lucky and end up in the first aid hut

That application you filled out wasn’t for tank a tank commander

199. While
transporting a commissar, drive close to the enemy so the commissar can hit them
with his sword.
This will keep him entertained and will dissuade him from
shooting at you for entertainment.

200. By reading up to rule 200, you have
spent more time reading and less time dying for the Emperor. Fix this before the
commissar finds out.

201. Make sure you are the most useful guardsman the
techpriest knows, he may give you a weapon that can cause flesh wounds instead
of sunburn.

202.If you dont know any techpriests just remember rule 68.If
you dont remember rule 68 your local commissar will shot you for heresy so go
back quick.

Good luck!