Fake TPOT 37: High Anxiety

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"**High Anxiety**" is the non-canon thirty-seventh episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 22 March 1986, the same day as this year's Melodifestivalen (A-be-ce! Du e' i mina tankar...). This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known as "**Aerieatory**" until I realized that I'd never be able to spell it right on the first go.

Author's note: This episode required a surprising amount of research. I had to think about which eliminated/extra characters were most likely to make it into the top eight and thus be eligible for the pre-debut fight. Then I had to do some research on BFDI's point system, which was fun because I got to watch the first season again.

Description if this were on YouTube:

Hey presto, it's a new episode! We hope you're enjoying the beginning of this beautiful spring, as well as THIS new beginning in the world of THE POWER OF TWO (Mam-baaaaaa sey-raaaaa!). In this episode, the contestants have to do some jumping over the shark on water-skis... Okay, maybe not; that would be too cliché. But there will be jumping. Just you wait!

Previous episode: "These Aren't the Peace Talks You're Looking For"

Next episode: "A Ruff Estimate"

## Cold opening

### **Filing Cabinet**

**Scene**The act begins with the silhouette of the Second Hotel, which zooms in on the Filing Cabinet. The sound of rock music gradually gets louder and louder as we finally get a view of all the people in this part of the hotel, enjoying life without a care in the world. More specifically, we see **Ice Cube**, **Bracelety** and **Boom Mic** singing and dancing. Well, the first one is vaguely bobbing along to the music, but you get it.

**Song: "F.C. Suite"**

**Vocalist(s)**: Boom Mic, Bracelety, Ice Cube

**Boo****m** **M****ic**: ♫ *I love Bracelety!*

*I love Bracelety!*

*I love Bracelety!*

*Because she pure loves me!*

**Bracel****ety**: *I love Ice Cube!*

*I love Ice Cube!*

*I love Ice Cube!*

*Because she pure loves me!*

[*Bracelety hands over her microphone to Ice Cube, who looks terrified.*]

* **Bracel****ety**: Sing along, Icy!
* **Ice Cube**: Do I have to?
* **Bracel****ety**: Yes!
* **Ice Cube**: Well, no one ever asks me what *I* like, so let me sing it!
* **Bracel****ety**: *Yaaaaay!* Ice Cube's singing and I'm so happy!
* **Boo****m** **M****ic**: And Bracelety's happy, so *I'm* happy!

**Ice Cube**: Uhh! ♫ I like... [*music stops*] I like... [*music stops again*] I like—

[*The three are interrupted by* **8-Ball**, *who rolls into the room with* **9-Ball**. *They both look tired.*]

* **8****-****Ball**: Guys, could you please stop with the music? Nona and I were just enjoying the virtual fantasy island.
* **9****-B****all**: We were watching a special and listening to Tight Zit. [*indicates 8-Ball*] This guy missed a lot.
* **Bracel****ety**: Oh, 8-Ball, we can't help it! We just love to sing!
* **Ice Cube**: Although taking in music would be nice too.
* **8****-****Ball**: Well, if you love it so much, then have fun. This type of indulgence is what this place is about after all, and if I have to keep pinching myself to know that it's true, so be it.
* **9****-B****all**: You've been here for almost a year now, Oitavo.
* **8****-****Ball**: Can't a ball be surprised? I spent a decade at sea with a bunch of people who've probably already forgotten my name.

[**Stapy** *walks by, holding *hands* with* **Foldy**.]

* **St****a****py**: Wow, that's deep.
* **F****old****y**: I know, right?

[*Exeunt ambos, giggling.*]

* **8****-****Ball**: Anyway, one of us will be leaving this cabinet at today's Cake at Stake.
* **9****-B****all**: It's so exciting, isn't it? To think that I'll get the chance to join. Then I can smell as many people as I want!
* **Voice**: You're joining?

[*Enter* **Battery**, *who pops in with a few of her friends*, **Dollary**, **Gnokaxu** *and* **Avocado**.]

* **B****atter****y**: I think I'll do the same exact thing!
* **9****-B****all**: Oh, hey, Battery.
* **B****atter****y**: *Sdrawstwujte*, I mean *grüß Gott*, I mean... [*She says nothing as she raises her fist.*]
* **Do****l****lar****y**: What are you doing?
* **B****atter****y**: A political statement.
* **Avoc****a****d****o**: And when is that appropriate, Battery?
* **B****atter****y**: [*sigh*] Only when getting people to vote for me.
* **Boo****m** **M****ic**: Hi, Bat! What are you doing here? Outside our hotel room?
* **B****atter****y**: I just came to tell you all that it's going to be *me* joining in this episode.

[**Donut** *pops his head through the doorway, along with* **Fries**, **Puffball** *and* **Aresko**.]

* **Donut**: Everyone, be sensible! It's going to be someone from the eight most appreciated by the voters!
* **Puffball**: And what kind of person do you think will be in that mini-contest?
* **Donut**: Someone like *me*.

[*Donut points at himself as Fries rolls his eyes. Everyone else looks at one another in the spirit of semi-friendly competition. Fade to black as the intro plays—it looks a bit different as characters from the original 1973 animation have been added or deleted to reflect the series' smaller cast. The music is also slightly different: in a version called "Missing", the saxophone no longer plays the melody, and what we hear is essentially the backdrop for TPOT's main theme. It sounds like this.*]

## Opening

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**The sun rises to reveal that the hotel building has been taped off. If this were a sitcom, there would be an "Ohhh" sound effect. Suddenly, a UFO appears and hovers over the hotel. From it climb **Two** and **Five** down from a rope that suddenly drops. They wave at whoever is above them.
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: Thanks, Teardrop!

[*The front window opens, revealing* **Teardrop** *in pilot's garb. She gives them a thumbs up and flies away.*]

* **Two**: Well, that was a pleasant ride.
* **Five**: And you didn't even complain the whole time!
* **Two**: I happen to be very good at holding my breath in the presence of you-knows.

[*Five sighs and turns around to look at the hotel.*]

* **Two**: Oh, Five, how are we going to explain what we saw over yonder?
* **Five**: More importantly, how are we going to explain this?
* **Two**: Explain what?
* **Five**: Look!

[*Five tugs on Two to turn around. They do so and pog at the tape surrounding the hotel.*]

* **Two**: ***OH MY GOGMA, WHO DID THAT?***
* **Five**: I don't know! It couldn't have been either of us; we've been on the EP the whole break!
* **Two**: It's terrible! Someone's completely vandalized our hotel!
* **Five**: I know!
* **Two**: Now we won't win the prize for "Most Aesthetically Pleasing Algebralien Building on Earth"!

[*Beat.*]

* **Five**: Bigger issues, Two! Come on, we have to look inside.

[*Five and Two run into the doors and fall down.*]

* **Five**: It's not working!
* **Two**: ***AAAAAAH!*** Oh no, what if the contestants find out they haven't a place to...

[*Five nudges Two. They look at* **Coiny** *and* **Pin**, *who are the first to arrive on set. Pin is holding a smoothie and Coiny is carrying both of their luggage.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Hi, Two and Five, nice weather we're having! Sure beats the Windy City!
* **P****i****n**: I do miss the East African breeze.

[*Two and Five are still too shocked to reply. Pin and Coiny slowly turn their heads towards the hotel and they gasp.*]

* **P****i****n**: The hotel's been mummified!
* **Two**: Oh, really, I couldn't tell from the *tape* put round our hotel! [*points at Pin and Coiny accusingly*] It must have been one of you objects that did it.
* **P****i****n**: Us?
* **Co****i****ny**: My dad's a cop!
* **Five**: [*Aside.*] Two...
* **Two**: I mean... it couldn't have been an object for sure; it's somebody whom we do not know that is to blame, and that individual may or may not be innocent depending on the... circumstances, and...

[*Five nudges Two again. They see* **Bok** *and* **Liy** *with their luggage. They stop, shocked by the state of the hotel.*]

* **B****o****k**: *Herregud.*
* **Li****y**: The hotel's been mummified!
* **Co****i****ny**: That's what we said!
* **B****o****k**: Two, what happened here?
* **Two**: I don't know.
* **Five**: We are just as confused as you are.

[*Enter* **Tennis Ball** *and* **Golf Ball**.]

* **Golf Ball**: Greetings from the newest retirees of Johnson County!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*clarifying*] That's in America.
* **Golf Ball**: We have been declared unfit to work in emotionally stressful jobs like the public school system.

[*No response.*]

* **Golf Ball**: What is everyone looking at?
* **Two**: Our hotel!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*gasp*] The hotel's been mummified!

[*Enter* **Black Hole** *and* **Tree**.]

* **T****r****e****e**: Mummified, you say?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes, I'm very much getting that impression, from the hotel I'm looking at.

[*Enter* **Snowball**.]

* **Snowball**: Zooterkins, hath our inn a skelet's mould!

[*Enter* **Clock**, **Winner**, **Price Tag** *and* **Remote**.]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Whoa, what's happened to our hotel?
* **Everyone**: It's been mummified.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Okay.
* **Winner**: Will we be able to go in and throw our stuff inside?
* **Two**: We can't! Wait, this is all of you, isn't it?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*looks around*] Looks like it.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Except for the ungrateful dead.

[*Silence as Tree and Black Hole give her a look of disapproval.*]

* **Two**: Well, this is awkward. But my point stands at our not being able to go in.
* **B****o****k**: I'll say. My brain keeps wanting to tell you to teleport through the doors, since that's what you're all so good at.

[*Two and Five look at each other.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: Ò!
* **Two**: We have been so exhausted from the events of the break that we've completely forgotten about my most notable power!
* **Five**: Two's power of *caïrillesérassoucatchicanirami*.
* **Two**: That's *teleportation* in our language, in case you didn't know.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Just hurry up!
* **Golf Ball**: We want to go inside.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: We're pensioners now.
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: Okay!

[**Two** *and* **Five** *teleport through the front doors. Silence as we see them try to open the door from the inside—the barricade tape is just too strong for that.*]

## Pre–Cake at Stake

[*In which Two and Five have essentially left the contestants to talk with one another as they try to get things ready.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Oh, how good it feels to tell people what to do again.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Did you have to command them like that?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: But of course! As of today, I am back in business.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Sure, Clock, you and *Voyager 2*. /s
* **Winner**: To think that Clock was a completely different person in the eight months of break we had; haha, you wouldn't even recognize him!

[*Meanwhile, with Death PACT.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: The *ungrateful dead*?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Really, Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I just wanted to hint at who is dead so Two can give him a speedy recovery.

[*Enter* **Liy**.]

* **Li****y**: Well, you've done a good job at it.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hello, Liy.
* **[** **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e** · **T****r****e****e** **]**: Hi.
* **Li****y**: Hey, boys. What's with the long faces?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What long faces? I have been this shape for almost twenty years.
* **Li****y**: I was talking about those two. [*points at Tree and Black Hole*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Nothing. It's just so strange that a pact member's been dead for more than half a year. I think that's a new record for us, isn't it?
* **Li****y**: You're talking about Pen, aren't you?
* **T****r****e****e**: No, Liy, we were talking about that new zombie movie. /s
* **Li****y**: Easy there, I know what it's like to be among the dead.

[*Liy sits down on the ground.*]

* **Li****y**: Speaking of which, how was the service?
* **T****r****e****e**: Huh?
* **Li****y**: You, Black Hole and Remote travelled to Canada to pay your respects to Pen's family, right?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh yeah, we did that.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Right after the last episode ended.
* **Li****y**: Yeah, how was it?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It was inspiring. The visit made us think about life, and why, it's worth it to expand our death prevention–promoting business, for the benefit of all people, on this planet, that we call Earth.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It certainly inspired my stomach.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yes, they had baklava there.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Dude, those Greeks can cook.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But most of all, it was nice to show our friend's family, how much we care about him, even if we don't care to tell him that directly. Tree. [*Tree looks at him.*] As for our pact's arch-enemy that died with him, she can eat a Schwarzschild, choke on it and live, to tell the tale.
* **T****r****e****e**: And who'd have guessed Pen's people had so many traditions? Sitting shiva, I'd never heard of that before. When a tree's been chopped down in my country, we just put a beef cake on the spot where he died and hope it doesn't get eaten by a wombat.

[*Beat, as everyone looks at him, confused.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: A she-wombat, of course. But... I reckon we had a good time; you should have been there! It's Canada, so it's basically your kind of weather.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It was snowing in June.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And you would have met Pen's dad.
* **Li****y**: You mean the man that somehow spawned those three geniuses? I'd rather meet the thing that's behind Sock Freight-ken Water-bran.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Liy...
* **Li****y**: They're catchy songs!

[*All of a sudden, the door breaks down and falls to the ground as* **Two** *and* **Five** *smash through it with a large chunk of wood they took from the front desk. Five is holding a piece of paper in his hand, but hides it as soon as the dust has settled.*]

* **Two**: Okay, I think we're good!
* **Co****i****ny**: Is our hotel open?
* **P****i****n**: I hope so!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I can't wait for that hot bath, huh, GB?
* **Two**: Yeaaaah, sorry. Only the lobby is open right now.

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **Five**: So you know how the outside walls of this hotel are covered with caution tape? Your rooms look just like that, only ten times worse.

[*All gasp.*]

* **Winner**: I guess that means we're sleeping outside tonight.
* **Snowball**: As in the case of the cave, in which I trod clay.
* **Two**: No, no, you don't have to do that! At least not now, because it's time for this act's first Cake at Stake.

[*All gasp again.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Oh, that's right!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We are not exempt today.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Darn it.

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene**Jump cut to all the contestants standing on a layer of plastic wrap that has so unceremoniously covered the roof. It doesn't even touch the ground; it was just applied to the edges and nothing else.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I feel sterile.

## Cake at Stake I

[*Cake at Stake theme. It's a heavy metal guitar solo. We see that* **Two** *and* **Five** *have gathered the contestants for the first Cake at Stake of the new act: The living members of The Squishy Bunch*—**Black Hole**, **Bok**, **Coiny**, **Liy**, **Remote** *and* **Tree**—*stand in the centre, while Namely Ties*—**Clock**, **Golf Ball**, **Price Tag**, **Snowball**, **Tennis Ball** *and* **Winner**—*are huddled near the back.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That was a new song.
* **Two**: It was, wasn't it?
* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, guys, check this out!

[*Coiny jumps up and down on the plastic wrap.*]

* **Everyone**: [*losing their balance*] Whoa!
* **Two**: That's very funny, but...
* **Co****i****ny**: [*doing a cartwheel*] Look ma, no hands!
* **Golf Ball**: That sounds like a mockery!
* **Two**: I really think we should be getting to...
* **Co****i****ny**: Rock 'n' roll! [*Coiny rolls around.*]
* **Li****y**: Coiny, can you please settle do—*whoa!*

[*As Coiny jumps back up,* **Liy** *falls to the ground.*]

* **Li****y**: [*from below*] Ow.
* **T****r****e****e**: Liy!
* **Co****i****ny**: [*looking down*] Are you okay down there?
* **Li****y**: I'm a plastic lightswitch that's unwillingly plunged several metres to death; of course I'm okay! /s

[*Liy gets hit by an asteroid. Everyone looks back up in shock.*]

* **Two**: So can we get to Cake at Stake now?
* **Five**: We're getting impatient.

[*Everyone gets into their positions, with The Squishy Bunch awkwardly placed around some "platforms" (actually just circles drawn with a marker).*]

* **Two**: Alright! The Squishy Bunch, your team lost the contest, so you're up for elimination. But if you remember correctly, the voters didn't vote for any of you to be sent away.
* **Five**: No, the voters didn't vote for any of you indeed.
* **Two**: Hehehehehehehe. Anyway, this Cake at Stake will be a little different.
* **B****o****k**: You don't mean we're all voting for each other again, do you?
* **Two**: In a way, yes.
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh no, we're losing our team unity!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: This isn't the first time...

[*Two walks towards the back of the roof.*]

* **Two**: In fact, the members of Namely Ties will be voting for you!

[*All gasp.*]

* **Two**: Or, more specifically, *rating* you.
* **Golf Ball**: Rating?
* **Co****i****ny**: You don't mean like BFDIA, do you? 'Cause that would be... amazing!
* **Two**: Yes, that's almost exactly what they'll be doing.
* **Five**: It's a modified version of it, adapted to the times we're living in.

[*Two claps their hands twice and six screens sort of scroll down from the sky.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It's an electronic screen.

[*Two claps twice and on the screens appear the pictures of the eight members of The Squishy Bunch.*]

* **Winner**: Whoa.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I like your picture for this, Black Hole! [*showing him the screen*]
* **Two**: On your screen are the pictures of the people from the other team. I want you to rate them—the contestants, not the pictures—in accordance to how much you want them to stay in the game. You give them two plus signs if you think they are crucial to the game, one plus sign if you think they're, oh, of a bit valuable to keep around, a ring if you're simply apathetic to them, a minus sign if you don't want them around and two minus points if you think they're just the worst person to keep around for the final fifteen.
* **Winner**: And we just... draw those symbols on the screen?
* **Two**: It's a touchscreen.
* **Everyone**: Ooooooh.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, this technology is something.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Must be Japanese.
* **Five**: And remember: do not share your answers with anyone else! This is *your* vote, so we don't want the secret feelings of others to be hurt.

[*Quiet conversations as Namely Ties fill out their electronic ballots.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Everyone knows for whom you voted, Tennis Ball.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I don't know, GB; you might be surprised at this.
* **Golf Ball**: I was talking about the election two years ago, ha, ha!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Right. [*Aside, to Winner.*] It should have been Altar Mondale.

[*Six separate beep sounds can be heard, signifying the contestants turning in their votes.*]

* **Two**: Aaaaaaand... they're counted!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yay.
* **Five**: Two will now tell you which of The Squishy Bunch are safe, from the highest- to lowest-rated.

[*Dramatic music plays.*]

* **Two**: Remote, you got eight points. Please accept this weather vane.

[*As they do with all the safe contestants, Five throws a weather vane at Remote.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh, yay. But what's this for?
* **Two**: You'll find out later. For five points, it's a tie. Tree and Black Hole, you're both safe.

[*Tree catches his weather vane and Black Hole sucks his up.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Nice.
* **T****r****e****e**: How swell, the unproblematic members of our pact are safe.
* **Two**: Was that sarcasm?
* **T****r****e****e**: [*sigh*] Surprisingly not.
* **Two**: Receiving four points are Pen and Pin.

[*Five tosses Pin a weather vane.*]

* **Two**: You know, it's funny because their names sound similar. In fact, they're so similar that I sometimes confuse them with each other! Say it with me, Five.
* **Five**: But it's Cake at Stake!
* **Two**: [*hissing under their breath*] I wish to *entertain!*
* **Five**: Okay.
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: POONPOONPOONPOONPOONPOON—
* **Co****i****ny**: Um... hosts?
* **Two**: Sorry, we'll stop now.
* **T****r****e****e**: No, keep going, the suspense is killing me. /s
* **Two**: Coiny and Exix, you two are safe as well.

[*Five tosses Coiny a weather vane.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Exix?
* **P****i****n**: [*whispering to Coiny*] *Liy.*
* **Co****i****ny**: Ah.
* **Two**: They both got three points.

[*Bok looks around.*]

* **B****o****k**: Wait, am I the only one here that's not safe?
* **Co****i****ny**: Um, pretty much.
* **B****o****k**: Oh, darn. I suppose that eliminates me then.
* **Two**: That's correct, Bok!
* **B****o****k**: [*sigh*] I knew I'd made a mistake when I read my poetry out loud. So how many points was I rated? Two? One?
* **Five**: Negative two.
* **B****o****k**: *What?*
* **Two**: It's true. Clock and Snowball gave you two negative signs.
* **Co****i****ny**: Two, you can't just read people's votes like that! That's a violation of voter privacy!
* **Two**: *Your mom's* a violation of voter privacy!
* **B****o****k**: Huh, I always thought two wrongs made a right. Wait, Clock and Snowball, why'd you rate me so negatively?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Because your eavesdropping is a danger to the contest.
* **Snowball**: 'Twas wroth to dance after the decease of the tools of exaration.
* **B****o****k**: Oh, yeah... I forgot everyone saw that. Well, Two, I've learnt my lesson. Please send me off.
* **Two**: My pleasure!

[*Two uses their powers to teleport* **Bok** *into the Filing Cabinet.*]

## Cake at Stake II

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Hey, Two, can we start the contest now?
* **Two**: Steady on, Clock, I still need to get somebody from the Filing Cabinet.
* **Five**: Oh, yes, we need to know who won that fight.

[*Two causes a portal to appear out of nowhere and puts their hand in it, reaching out for someone.*]

* **Five**: Don't fall in, Two!
* **Two**: I shall try my best.

[*Beep sound. Two has caught someone.*]

* **Two**: Got it!

[*All gasp.*]

* **P****i****n**: Who is it?
* **Two**: It's... It's...

[*Two pulls* **Donut** *out of the portal and everyone gasps again.*]

* **Everyone**: [*disappointed*] Donut.
* **Donut**: Huh?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Weren't you eliminated two years ago?
* **Golf Ball**: This is unfair; TB bet that a newcomer would join. We want a recall, Two, if you please!
* **Donut**: Well, that's not nice to hear.

[*Donut is about to jump back into the portal.*]

* **P****i****n**: Oh, don't feel so bad, Donut. You get a chance to compete for the power of Two again!
* **Co****i****ny**: Ye-ah, a fellow W.O.A.H. Buncher! High five! [*Beat—Coiny raises his arm.*] Well? Don't leave me hanging, man!
* **Donut**: I'm not rejoining, remember, Coiny? I'm retired!
* **Co****i****ny**: Aw, you are?
* **P****i****n**: Then why are you here?
* **Two**: Donut will announce who won the fight, and *that* is the person who will join this show.
* **Donut**: Er... yeah. Alright. So the winner is... [*reads from a cue card*] "Enetuun". [*looks at Two*] Huh?
* **Two**: "Enetuun", eh? Who's that?
* **Donut**: Oh, wait, the card's upside down.

[*Donut turns the card right side up.*]

* **Donut**: That's better. And it looks like the winner of this fight is... ***UMTAYAAAAAAA!***
* **Two**: I know her!

[*Two reaches into the portal with an expression as if they want to get something they can't reach. (It's an expression!)*]

* **Five**: You can go now, Donut.
* **Donut**: [*disappointed*] Oh. Okay. It was nice seeing you all in person again.
* **Co****i****ny**: Likewise, dude.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Say hi to Naily for me, yeah?

[*Beat as Two quickly turns their head at them.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: *Not* that I know she's still alive in there, heeheehee.
* **Donut**: I'm going, guys.

[*Soni exspectati of farewell as* **Donut** *jumps through the portal.*]

* **P****i****n**: Umtaya? Who's that?
* **Two**: Got her!

[*Two pulls* **Umtaya**—*that's one of the strangers from the opener of the last act*—*out of the Filing Cabinet.*]

## Reveals and débuts

[*Umtaya, the newest debuter of the season, falls on the ground and looks around at everyone.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Whoa, I'm out!
* **Two**: Yes, I have brought you out of your vacation and into this contest... ation.
* **Five**: Welcome to the game, Umtaya Boudot.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Oh, hey... everyone. New friends!

[*Some contestants wave at Umtaya, while others give her the side eye.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Hmm... Maybe I should work on my likeability.
* **Two**: You go do that while Five and I get the contest ready. And again, it's a pleasure ***TWO*** have you here.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: [*cheering*] *Unuquichín!*

[*Two and Five are about to go.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Oh, wait. Two and Five?
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: [*turning around*] *Yeeeeessss?*
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: I'd like you to have this.

[*Umtaya hands Two a compact disc (CD).*]

* **Two**: Ooh, thank you! [*confused*] What is it?
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Oh... just a gift from me and the others from the Letter Protectorate. It's a CD. Say goodbye to records and cassettes, because this is the thing of the future.
* **D****i****s****c****y**: [*off-screen, from the portal*] You know they've always been around!

[*Everyone looks at the portal before Two closes it.*]

* **Two**: You mean to say you got Five and me a gift from a territory held by the Letters, our traditional worst enemies.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: I'm sorry, I just thought you'd like it!
* **Two**: You don't have to apologize; we love gifts!
* **Five**: Er, Umtaya, what's in this CD anyway?
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Numerous Letter folk songs, lullabies and books on tape. Totally not propaganda.

[*Two and Five look at her suspiciously but quickly revert to happy.*]

* **Two**: Yay!
* **Five**: Thanks for the gift, though. No one *else* has given us something so meaningful. [*gives the other contestants a dirty look*]
* **Two**: Oh my Gogma, look, Five! [*Five looks at Two, who is wearing the CD as a necklace*] Don't you think I look beautiful?
* **Five**: You sure are the cream of the crop, Two.
* **Two**: Aw, thanks! Why, now that you've complimented me, I feel like I'm going to... feel like I'm going to...
* **Golf Ball**: Oh no.

[*Sternuit duos cylindros receptatorum. The recovery cylinders fall from the roof onto the ground, making a comical "wheeee" sound.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: [*Aside to Remote.*] Does this happen a lot?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Too much.
* **Two**: [*looking off the roof*] *Whoa*, those are big ones!
* **Five**: Quick, everyone! Downstairs before they break!

[*The sound of a recovery cylinder breaking can be heard. They all freeze.*]

* **Five**: It doesn't matter; just go!

[*Five makes a swooshing gesture to all the contestants. Exeunt omnes, even* **Two**. *Five stays behind and looks up.*]

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**All the contestants rush out of the hotel building and **Liy** crawling out of her recovery cylinder.
* **T****r****e****e**: Liy! It's you!
* **Li****y**: Yeah... I think it is. I'm freed from my what's-it-called, no thanks to *him*. [*points to Coiny*]
* **Co****i****ny**: Sorry I killed you, Liy. In hindsight, it was an accident.
* **P****i****n**: [*rolling her eyes*] Goofy. That's what he is. Goofy.

[*Enter* **Two**, *pushing everyone out of the way.*]

* **Two**: Move, move, move. Exix, are you alright?
* **Li****y**: Yeah, I'm fine.
* **Two**: Good. I was wondering why my recovery cylinders were so big.
* **Li****y**: Hey, Two, who's in there?

[*Liy points at the recovery cylinder, which has not yet been broken. Some of the other contestants watch it and try to hear what is going on inside.*]

* **Two**: I assume it's another person whose existence I accidentally ended.

[*Suddenly, a howling voice sounds from the cylinder, causing everyone to jump back.*]

* **Voice**: [*muffled*] *Awoooooooooo!*
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Two, did you kill an animal? Because that's wrong.
* **P****i****n**: Especially for the environment.

[*Another voice can be heard coming out of the cylinder.*]

* **Another voice**: [*muffled*] *Awoooooooooo!*
* **Li****y**: It totally has a different timbre of voice from the first one!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wow, Two, you give a new meaning to the expression *kill two wolves with one stone*.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I thought it was *two birds*.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wolves, birds, same thing.
* **Two**: I did no such thing! I'm innocent!
* **Li****y**: Then why did it sound like—

[*The cylinder suddenly breaks. We don't see who is inside at first, but everyone gasps in shock.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh dear.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oh my.
* **T****r****e****e**: I think I'm going to faint. [*faints*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*to Black Hole*] He thought right.

[*Snowball steps in front of the crowd and T-poses so that no one has to look.*]

* **Snowball**: Avert your eyes and gawk ye not at this sinful picture of antenuptial knowledge!

[*Camera pan to the pair of objects that were in the cylinder the whole time:* **Pen** *and* **Pencil**, *who have been lying together in the cylinder as if they were in bed. They do not seem to notice the other contestants watching them as they talk quietly to each other.*]

* **P****en**: You make a good wolf, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Er, Pen...

[*Pencil tugs at Pen's arm and points at the crowd. Pen turns his head and smiles at them.*]

* **P****en**: Ohhh, by golly, we have a large crowd watching this event today, eh, love?

[*All gasp, for Pen's voice sounds a little different.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Upon my word, what a terrible way to leave the realm of the dead! To whoever recovered me, don't you know that I was beginning to lead a contented life in there?

[*All gasp even louder, for Pencil's voice is completely different now than it was in the 24 years that she was in the series. She actually sounds English, or more precisely, like an Englishwoman imitating Michael's imitation of her.*]

### **Hotel restaurant**

**Scene**Inside the restaurant with the television. **Match** can be seen cleaning up after her "breakfast for one". She looks at the screen and sees Pencil and Pen holding hands and talking all funny-like.
**Two**: [*on the screen*] It *can* happen; I have been known to recover two people in the same cylinder, but only if they were physically together during the recovery process. [*demonstrates by interlocking their fingers together*]
**T****r****e****e**: Aaah. [*faints again*]
**P****e****nci****l**: But that still doesn't explain why I sound so different.
**P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, you sound like an opera singer.
**Golf Ball**: [*Aside.*] And not a good one.
**Two**: It's just a side effect of two people being recovered in one, sorry.
**P****en**: Sorry? I sound *so cool!*
[*Match drops her plates.*]

* **Ma****tch**: O. M. G.

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Ad frontem graditur **Umtaya**, who cordially greets the recovered pair.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Hi, I'm Umtaya!
* **Two**: I'd like you to meet the new addition to our line-up.
* **P****en**: Always a pleasure. The name's Schreiber. [*raises an eyebrow*] Pen Schreiber.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Boudot. Boudot, Umtaya. Wait, I think I said it wrong.

[*They both laugh and shake hands.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Damn, dude, you got a nice-axe grip! Do you work out?
* **P****en**: Not since I died! Aw, d'ya hear that, Penc? She says I got a "nice-axe grip"!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yessss.

[*Pencil clutches Pen's hand tightly, and he makes a soft squeaking noise.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Ah, I was joking; please don't assume I'm here to cause trouble. [*Pause.*] Nice ferrule. [*points at Pencil's metal*]

[*Enter* **Match**, *who dramatically pretends to open the door of the hotel.*]

* **A few people**: Match!
* **Two**: [*shocked*] What?! Another visitor?
* **Golf Ball**: Really? We must sit through *another* début?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] What in hell is she doing out in the open?
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, hi, everyone!

[*Match stomps up to Pencil and Pen*.]

* **Ma****tch**: Pencil, why didn't you tell me you changed your, like, voice?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I didn't know either, but here I am, sounding like an opera singer as some say.
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, you sound nice!
* **P****en**: Match, my voice changed too. D'you like it?
* **Ma****tch**: Changed into what?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Match, meet Umtaya.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Fellow newbie, hi!
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, hi! You look, like, glamorous.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Thanks! My appearance was the only thing I could bring from the Filing Cabinet. [*to Two*] Should I... not talk about this, Two?
* **Two**: [*steamed*] No. No, you shouldn't.

## Pre-contest

[*The sound of an aeroplane engine can be heard from above. As it gets louder, everyone looks up to see* **Five** *piloting an actual plane. He is even wearing a pilot's cap.*]

* **Five**: Climb aboard, everyone, the air is fine!

[*A ladder drops from the plane.*]

* **Two**: This, contestants, is your next challenge. Up you go!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: So all we have to do for the contest is climb this ladder?
* **Li****y**: I think so! And I, so keen to seek my next adventure, volunteer to be the first to do so.

[*Liy climbs the ladder.*]

* **Snowball**: I trow it to be but natural that I follow her, having done so in the quaternary episode of BFB in the year MCMLXIX.

[*He climbs the ladder, followed by Pen, Pencil, Coiny, Liy, Umtaya and Pin.*]

* **Golf Ball**: That is self-awareness right there, Snowball.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: GB, how are we supposed to climb the ladder if we don't have arms?
* **Golf Ball**: Be glad I'm prepared for something like this.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: That's great, so do you have an invention we can use?
* **Golf Ball**: *Somebody help us up!*
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*Aside.*] She has a mouth.
* **Winner**: [*in a daze*] I so want to stuff a pav into it.

[*Before they can climb up the ladder themselves, Winner grabs Golf Ball, Tennis Ball, Price Tag and Clock—the only armless, non-floating members of the current cast—and throws them onto the plane from where they stand.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Thanks, Winner!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yeah, thank you!

[*Winner climbs up the ladder too. Meanwhile.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Tree, wake up.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: He's fainted.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I've seen sleeping gorillas with more energy. [*Beat.*] What? They're both hairy.

[*Tree gets up.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Okay, I'm up, I'm up.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You alright?
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, sure.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Luckily for us, we don't have to climb any ladders.

[*Black Hole gets close enough for Remote and Tree to orbit him, and they make their way onto the plane together.*]

* **[** **R****e****m****ot****e** · **T****r****e****e** **]**: Thanks.

[*By now, all the contestants have climbed up the ladder to the plane as Two stays behind with Match. Five notices the two of them.*]

* **Five**: [*from above*] Should I take that one? [*points at Match*]
* **Two**: [*from the ground*] *No, you're good!*
* **Five**: 'Kay-kay!

[**Five** *presses a button that allows the aircraft to re-absorb the ladder and then flies everyone else very quickly over the horizon. Match stands shocked at first, but a second later she has regained her bored expression.*]

* **Ma****tch**: I'm going back to the hotel.
* **Two**: [*imitating Five*] 'Kay-kay!

## Contest

### **Five's plane**

**Scene**The contestants are in Five's aeroplane with the open-y thing completely open. They all look frightened as the wind rages outside the plane, but miraculously they can talk to one another amidst the noise. **Five**, the pilot, speaks from the cockpit (**Ma****tch**: Hahahahaha) through an intercom that can be heard throughout the aircraft.
* **Five**: Welcome, everyone, to Five Airlines!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Five Airlines? Was this plane nicked from somebody else?
* **Five**: Nope! It's a rental.
* **P****i****n**: Rentals are good.
* **Five**: And I need this to be back at the Rent-A-Plane-etarium in about fifty minutes, so could you please let me explain the challenge?
* **P****i****n**: Sure!

[*Five looks back to see the rest of the contestants talking amongst themselves.*]

* **Five**: [*in a teacher-like fashion*] You all keep talking, I'll wait.
* **Co****i****ny**: So we *can* talk back here, huh?
* **P****i****n**: They said we can.
* **Co****i****ny**: Okay. *Blah blah blah!*

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: So, أم تيا.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: [*amused*] "Um-tayyaa." Not that I'm complaining, but why'd you say my name like that?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I'm half-Algerian.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: No way, I'm half-goblet!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Anyway, how'd you get in the show in the first place? I didn't expect the voters to know any strangers from episode 31.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Guess it's just luck. Also, I totally *slayed* the competition. In fact, I remember it like it was an hour ago.

#### Filing Cabinet (Flashback)

[*Flashback to the Filing Cabinet, in which the top-eight voted contestants are standing in a circle around* **Donut**. *Umtaya is the only female.*]

**Donut**: Alright, I want a good, clean fight!
**F****r****i****e****s**: I thought you didn't like refereeing.
**Donut**: Well, now that I'm retired from the competing business, I need something to keep me occupied.
**Barf** **Bag**: [*from the crowd*] Yeah, yeah, you got this, Donut!
**Donut**: Anyway, when I count to two—as dictated by the letters sent here by our host of the same name—I want you all to get it with each other much as possible.
**Lig****htni****ng**: Getting it with each other, is it? So to clarify, does that mean—
**Donut**: No!
**Lig****htni****ng**: Okay.
**Fan****ny**: [*in the background*] I hate that!
**Donut**: In one... two...
[*Umtaya blows on her flageolet, which makes all the others fall down. End flashback.*]
#### Back to scene

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: And it was amazing. I was the only woman there. W-O-M-A-N! Good thing I put my flageolet-playing talents to good use, huh?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Funny, normally I'd take that to mean your talents *aren't* being put to good use.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: [*confused*] What?
* **Golf Ball**: You must all be quiet so that Five can speak, please!

[*Five speaks on the intercom.*]

* **Five**: Thank you. So today's contest is a skydiving contest!
* **Li****y**: [*excitedly gets up*] Skydiving?
* **Five**: Wait, Exix, please let me—
* **Li****y**: I've always wanted to jump out of a plane! I've found my next adventure! [*jumps out of the plane*] *Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!*
* **Golf Ball**: Impulsive.
* **Five**: You won't be judged by the aesthetics of your skydiving or the number of loop-de-loops you do, but where you land. That will earn you more points.
* **Winner**: But this game doesn't have points.
* **Five**: Well, you don't have teams.

[*Cross-talk.*]

* **Five**: Anyway, the main point is that all of you need to land in a place that is a good place to live by our standards, whether it be houses, villages or other dwellings. If you do that, your chances of being up for elimination go down considerably. [*Beat.*] Now, what does Two say again?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: *Go*?
* **Five**: Yes. If you haven't already, *go!*

### **Five's plane**

**Scene**View of outside the plane, which has slowed down. **Five** is flying the contestants (except Liy) over Mount Suswa in the Rift Valley, Kenya, several kilometres west of Nairobi. That's why Five flew so fast earlier; he had to travel *c.* 400 kilometres from the Rent-A-Plane-etarium to the TPOT set and back. Eerie silence as the contestants realize what they have to do—they look out the open-y thingy with amazement and fear.
* **P****en**: It's a long, long drop from the top to the bottom.

[*Price Tag steps up to the exit.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: It sure is, dude. That's why I'm making my jump right now.
* **Winner**: Why?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I'm made of the same thing as index cards; it'll take me ages to fall in this windy weather!
* **Winner**: Good point. Take care, Taggy.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Safe travels.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Buh-bye!

[**Price Tag** *jumps out.*]

* **Five**: And Liy has just landed in a volcano.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: She's not having much luck with impacts today, is she?
* **Five**: No, she isn't. Now, could someone please remind Two when we get back to 'em that she's received a *Chi-yimoniminato*.
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, but what is that?
* **Five**: It's her score, according to the grading system of our home planet.
* **P****i****n**: [*pointing out the plane*] Hey, Coiny, look!
* **Co****i****ny**: What is it?
* **P****i****n**: It's a village.
* **Co****i****ny**: Oooh. Want to jump into it?
* **P****i****n**: Well, actually, I was waiting a bit until we went to the next place, heh.
* **Co****i****ny**: Don't worry, Pin, we'll hold on to each other. Besides, there's got to be a house there.
* **P****i****n**: Of course there is, it's a village!
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh, what was I saying? Let's *goooooooooo!*

[**Coiny** *and* **Pin** *hold hands and jump out.*]

* **Snowball**: I shall spring as well.

[**Snowball** *jumps out without much of a reaction. Silence for a few seconds.*]

* **Golf Ball**: [*to Five*] He's heavy, so he should land faster than the other two.
* **Five**: [*nods*] Right. Snowball has just landed in a village house. Quite cosy, too; he gets a *Tchimoniminato*.
* **Golf Ball**: Got it.
* **Five**: And Coiny and Pin have both landed in a school building. That's two *Coï-yimoniminatos*, Golf Ball.
* **Golf Ball**: Okay.

[*Beat.*]

* **Five**: No, wait, it seems that Pin just landed in a gymnasium. I guess you can live well in one of those. GB, please upgrade her grade from a *Coï-yimoniminato* to a *Coïlle*.
* **Golf Ball**: Just done. Wait, are you looking at a screen while flying, Five? That is very dangerous!
* **Five**: I'm a pilot. I think.

### **Somewhere above the Great Rift Valley**

**Scene****Price Tag** is still floating through the air.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Seriously?

### **Five's plane**

**Scene**Back to scene. **Winner** is about to make their jump.
* **Winner**: Wheeeeeee!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I'm going to be a follower.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Really? Always thought you were a bit more independent than that.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Usually, but look down!

[*Clock and Umtaya look down from the exit and see a small town approaching their sight.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Hey! It's an urban accommodation!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Agglomeration.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Bless you, Clock. Well, I'm going to jump.

[**Umtaya** *jumps.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*looking behind*] And I'm following. See you in the city, all.

[**Clock** *jumps.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Woo-hooooooooo!

[*Meanwhile, Five is too busy playing with the aircraft's controls to focus on the challenge. He dusts off the control board and finds a button.*]

* **Five**: Hey, what's this?

[*He presses the button and a megaphone pops up in front of the plane.*]

* **Five**: Ooh!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Did you discover something new, Five?
* **Five**: I did! It's a megaphone. Now I can tell each contestant what score they got!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Wow.
* **Golf Ball**: [*to the other contestants*] Everyone, report to me after the contest in the order in which you jumped!
* **Five**: What are you doing, Golf Ball?

[*She gets up and looks out the exit.*]

* **Golf Ball**: TB and I are going on a little trip outside this plane.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oh, okay. [*looks down*] The time is right, though. Look where we are!

[*Tennis Ball shows Golf Ball the scene below: It's the city centre of Nairobi, which had about one million people at the time this episode came out.*]

* **Golf Ball**: *City! Jump!*
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Got it!
* **Golf Ball**: *For Americaaa**aaaaaaaa!*

[**Tennis Ball** *and* **Golf Ball** *jump.*]

* **Five**: [*shouting from the megaphone*] ***COI-YISSERINATO! COILLE! COI-YISSERINATO!***
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Was that for them, Five?
* **Five**: No. Winner landed on the outskirts of Ruaka, a town on the edge of a ridge, while both Clock and Umattattatta landed in a church. Well, actually, Clock was the one who landed in the building; the other planted her feet in the garden behind the chapel, which, in my opinion, is a much better place to live. That's who I was calling out for.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But that town is seven miles away.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: They'll never be able to hear you.
* **Five**: Whoops.

[*Meanwhile, Pencil and Pen are (rather stupidly) sitting on the edge of the plane, as though the wind is not roaring around them. Pencil puts her arm on his leg.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: You're shaking.
* **P****en**: Out of bravery! [*Beat.*] Oh, what am I sayin'; I'm terrified! [*holds on to her*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's just a little jump, frisk-o.
* **P****en**: No, it's those things! [*He points at the unfreed parachutes on the side of the plane.*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, that's something. Five, what are those?
* **Five**: Oh! I see you've found your parachutes... which I completely forgot to explain to you. They're supposed to make the fall a whole lot safer.
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Why didn't you tell us earlier?* [*calmly, to Pen*] You sure you'll be fine?
* **P****en**: Ehhh. [*gestures "maybe"*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't tell me you're more afraid of a parachute than jumping.
* **P****en**: You really got me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You know it.

[*Pencil tries to finger-gun Pen like he always does, but she does it backwards, so it looks like she's doing it to herself. They both laugh a bit.*]

* **P****en**: God, I love you.

[*He kisses her. View of Tree sulking in the background with his arms crossed. Remote and Black Hole sit next to him.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We're back.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Five is way off in his grade calculations.
* **Five**: [*over the intercom*] I heard that!

[*Beat, as Black Hole and Remote observe Tree.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You're bitter.
* **T****r****e****e**: No, I'm not bitter, although... maybe I am quite jealous. Gregg and I have to go private to do the things they're doing!
* **Five**: [*in the background*] ***SOI-YISSERINATO FOR TENNIS BALL, SOILLE FOR GOLF BALL!***
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: There's our green-eyed monster.
* **T****r****e****e**: And it's not just that, it's just... looking at him pashing her and vice versa...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Pashing*?
* **T****r****e****e**: Can't you see they're basically in the second stage of bowl-anarama? It doesn't make any sense! Why would he be with someone who treated him terribly just one year ago?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: To be fair, the same thing happened when you brutally snapped him and then claimed to be in a committed relationship with him.
* **T****r****e****e**: Hey, that was a farce that dragged on for years.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Do you think it could be, that you still have feelings for him, or her? Or both of them?
* **T****r****e****e**: Ugh, no. Being with Gregg has made me realize that I'm well over that drongo now. And why should I have feelings for Pencil? She's our arch-rival, remember? Now that I know how much bad taste he's got, I'd like to...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Do what?

[*Tree looks at Remote. Meanwhile...*]

* **P****en**: And he pulled the parachute and 20,000 people died. That's how we won the war against the Delian League, y'know.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Your dad never fought in that war; that was thousands of years ago!
* **P****en**: Well, that's what he tells people to make him look good. [*nudges her*] Hey. Thanks for lifting me up like that, Penc.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, it was hardly anything.
* **P****en**: You know what? [*getting up*] Think I'm going to do it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You are? Then jump, Pen!
* **P****en**: Hold up, just give me a chance!
* **P****e****nci****l**: A chance for what?
* **P****en**: To put the parachute on!
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's my man, right there, people! Ooh, baby!

[*She turns around to see Tree standing right behind them.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, hello.

[*Tree picks Pen up from the ground.*]

* **P****en**: [*oblivious*] Whoa, big guy, what're ya doin'?
* **T****r****e****e**: You got your chute ready?
* **P****en**: Yeah!

[*Tree throws* **Pen** *out of the plane as Pencil pogs.*]

* **P****en**: [*falling down*] Whooooooooo! This is *awesome!*

[*Pencil gives Tree a look of WTF—"what the ferrule"—as he simply dusts his hands off.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: What? I was just helping him jump, nothing he couldn't do himself even if he had a step-by-step guide with words instead of pictures.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That was mean, Tree! I should wave my finger at you repeatedly because words are failing me right now!
* **T****r****e****e**: Don't you have someone to go after?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Omg, you're right!

[**Pencil** *jumps out of the plane with her unfreed parachute.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't cry for me, *Brasiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil!*

[*Meanwhile, Tree goes back to his seat with Black Hole and Remote.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Huff.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: *Allahumma*, he's possessed.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Why'd you do it, Tree?
* **T****r****e****e**: Relax, you two. That didn't count as causing death. He's got his parachute on, and unless he comes into contact with any power lines that give him an electric shocker stronger than anything I've ever... Oh, dear gosh, I think I've done something I'm beginning to regret.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes, but instead of two episodes, it's taken you a few seconds.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You're very good at being nice, Tree. /s

[*Beat.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Then why do I feel so bad now?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Because you hurt the feelings of someone, who is no longer our pact's arch-enemy.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: He's right. We now strongly dislike the asteroid that killed Liy earlier.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*sigh*] Don't wait on me, you two. I've got to do the right thing.

[*Tree sees the trees of Nairobi National Park directly above the plane.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, chiz.

[**Tree** *takes a parachute and jumps.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: *Faa-aaaaaaaaaaark!*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wow.
* **Five**: And it looks like you two, Black Hole and Remote, are the only ones left to jump. Any time now.

[*Remote gets up and walks towards the exit.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I guess it's now or never.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wait a minute, Remote. I've got a better idea.
* **Five**: ***IHA!***

### **Above Nairobi**

**Scene****Black Hole** is taking **Remote** on a leisurely flight over the city.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Whee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I told you, isn't this fun?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I feel like the non-existent female angels in the Bible.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And... down you go.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Thank you, good sir.
* **Five**: ***TCHIMONIMINATO FOR PEN!***
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And look. We are on top of the #1 rated hotel in the city.

[*Zoom out to show Black Hole and Remote on top of a very tall building.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: How did you know this was the #1 rated hotel?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's the best one I've seen.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ha ha, ha ha.
* **Five**: [*from the plane*] ***TCHISSERINATO! TCHISSERINATO! NOW I'M GOING TO FLY THIS BACK TO THE RENT-A-PLANE-ETARIUMMMMMM!***

[**Five** *speed off in their plane.*]

### **In the city**

**Scene**View of the top of a roof through which **Pen** has fallen part way, with only his cap keeping him from going straight through. Interestingly enough, neither his nor Pencil's parachutes opened. He holds **Pencil** with one hand.
* **P****en**: We won! Eyy, you like what you're seeing?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, Pen, you look heroic.
* **P****en**: Haha, I was talking about the city, but thanks!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Could you please put me down? You can flex all you want, but I know how much it strains you to carry me.
* **P****en**: Sure does, babe. But wait a minute. I can't let your feet touch the ground while we're on this roof. We've gotta get you somewhere fit for livin', do what the contest says, eh? Hup!

[*Pen jumps out of the hole he made and somehow makes it to the ground with Pencil in his hand. He dashes to the door of the house he's sort of broken and knocks. On the other side is* **Jie**, *a local woman.*]

* **P****en**: Hiya! Do you happen to have a place where we can stand?
* **French narrator**: Six to twelve hours later.

## Post-contest

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Night. Halley's comet can be seen in the background. **Two** stands in front of the hotel in the exact position they were in earlier. They smile at the camera. Enter **Five**.
* **Two**: Oh, hey there, Five!
* **Five**: [*ceremoniously*] Greetings and salutations!
* **Two**: I see you've finally finished the contest, several hours later. Don't you know how long I waited for you to come back?
* **Five**: Several hours, Two. Sorry, I had to do some calculations on who got which place. Do you know how hard it is to judge objectively how liveable a place is?
* **Two**: Yes, I had the same problem 2,763 days ago when we had to decide what to wear for the Yugoslav Community Dance Festival.

[*Background cross-talk.*]

* **Two**: Hello, is that the sound of our contestants talking?
* **Five**: Even though they were basically spread all over the south-western part of the country, they all managed to come back to us at exactly the same time. See?

[*Five points at the crowd of most contestants walking and talking together, happily, as they go back to the hotel.* **Golf Ball** *steps away from the crowd and recites the results from earlier to Two, whose smile grows wider as she speaks the Algebralien language.*]

* **Golf Ball**: *Rinine, Chi-yimoniminato; Soranimine, Coï-yimoniminato; Sénimi, Coïlle; Tomiratécotchiriri, Tchimoniminato; Ténimimi-yissou, Coï-yissérinato; Sorirassono, Coïlle; Namotchicatchine, Coï-yissérinato; Caïmiminito Cotchiriri, Soï-yissérinato; Quirariha Cotchiriri, Soïlle; Casouille, Iha; Seïmi, Tchimoniminato; Souimoracaï, Tchissérinato; Coritchissono Courarille, Tchissérinato; Seïmissoniri, Tchi!*

[*Two and Five pog.*]

* **Two**: Excellent diction, Golf Ball!
* **Golf Ball**: I even got the names right.
* **Five**: It's exactly as I thought!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: That's my GB, queen of rote memorization.
* **Golf Ball**: It's a shame that schools no longer practise this like when I was young.
* **Five**: But how is that possible? You weren't there to hear my scores over the megaphone, much less see where people ended up. How can you know all that?
* **Golf Ball**: Because I know everything.

[*Beat.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Come on, golden boy, let's run you a hot bath.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Yay!

[*Exeunt* **Golf Ball** *and* **Tennis Ball** *into the hotel, followejd by the others, who look visibly tired.*]

* **Li****y**: I'm exhausted. I landed in a volcano!
* **Winner**: Lucky! I had a cold swim in somebody's bathtub.
* **Li****y**: Must be nice.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: This was a great first contest!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Hate to admit it, but I feel down-to-earth now.
* **T****r****e****e**: At least you didn't land *in* the earth.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I miss that hotel.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We didn't even go inside it.
* **P****en**: Hey, Penc, what's an *mzungu*?
* **P****e****nci****l**: The word that the lady whose home you invaded kept calling you.
* **P****en**: Yeah, what's it mean?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Er...

[*Pencil breaks out in laughter as she and an ever-confused Pen enter the hotel, leaving Two and Five outside by themselves. In a quasi-mocking way, they both laugh as well.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
* **Five**: Wait, Two, do you have the scores for this episode?
* **Two**: Yes, along with the placings.
* **Five**: Perfect, let's bring 'em on!

### **Voting screen**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** stand in front of a brand new voting screen with the pictures of Clock, Umtaya, Tree, Price Tag and Tennis Ball behind them.
* **Two**: Attention, everyone!
* **Five**: Yes, you!
* **Two**: Calling all TPOT voters, trolls and flamers, shippers, ganks and haters, so that you know how voting will go in this act.

[*The screen changes to past voting screens.*]

* **Two**: In the past, we've nearly always asked you to vote for who you think should be *saved*. But with all the madness happening, as you saw in this episode, in such a quick-quack, slip-stack, BFDI-esque fashion, we should like to change it up a little. So instead of voting for who you think should be *saved*...
* **Five**: Vote for who you think should be *eliminated!* That's right! We're back to the old ways for now. Oh, I'm a stickler for tradition.
* **Two**: So am I, as of this episode.
* **Five**: We know this might be disturbing to you all, as you've been used to voting to save for fourteen years...
* **Two**: But if you don't like it, eat my serifs.
* **Five**: They can't eat what you don't have, Two.
* **Two**: [*looks at their tail end*] Ò!

[*Roll credits.*]

* **Two**: Oh yeah, it's also a double elimination, so the two people who get the most votes will be eliminated!

## Stinger

### **Somewhere**

**Scene**Polka music plays as **Price Tag** is seen, still floating in the wind. They are asleep but wake up startled when they hear the music.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Whoa, baby!

[*We see that where they are on a chalet on a snow-capped mountain in the Alps.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I have landed... in heaven!

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

* Snowball was going to say "gadzooks" or "'sblood" instead of "zooterkins", which I found funnier and less in line with Snowball's now-outmoded primevally violent character.
* Some dialogue I had to cut—the scene was liminal to begin with:

**Two**: Me, engage in such primitive activities? [*makes a kawaii face*] I could never! Oh, no, no, no. Anyway, it's time for the next contest... [*looks up*] As soon as they come over.
**T****r****e****e**: Wait a minute, Two, we're missing two people.
**U****m****t****a****ya**: I'm here!
**T****r****e****e**: No, I mean... [*sigh*] Pen's still gone.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And Pencil.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Who we don't care much for.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh yes, you're right.
**T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Well, there might be a possibility that your fallen friend is in this cylinder.
**Golf Ball**: Unless Pencil killed him again. [*Beat.*] Why is no one laughing?
[*Tree, Black Hole and Remote go towards the cylinder, which is now beginning to jiggle.*]
**T****r****e****e**: [*poking the cylinder*] I don't think he's in there. The voice we heard sounded nothing like him!
**R****e****m****ot****e**: You mean Pen never howled when he was with you?
**T****r****e****e**: Not like that. ~~And if you think he was the alpha male in our relationship, you're all wrong.~~ [*Why does he need to dwell on his relationship with his ex like that?*]

* Pencil was going to say "Oh, sweet baby Jesus" as Pen got thrown out of the plane.
* The stinger was going to be longer and involve Match. She would have explained her motives. (That was the latest placing of the scene; it was earlier going to be placed in the middle of the contest, and I've since decided to move it to the start of the next episode.)

## Notes

1. ↑ Unfortunately, I do not know the terminology, but if you've ever seen a skydiving scene before (or even gone skydiving in real life), then you'll know it's the part of the plane that people jump out of. Oops, did I just give the challenge away?
2. ↑ Translation for this block of text:

**Fake TPOT** [V]