Claw & Order: Special Victims Unit

***Claw & Order: Special Victims Unit*** is the sixth episode of *The Alan 10 Skits*.

## Plot

### Claw & Order: Special Victims Unit

*[The scene opened up on Claw & Order sitting, or as close as he could get to sitting, at a desk. He wore a black suit jecket overtop a white, button up shirt, the left sleeves of both were torn upen for his claw to be exposed.]*

Claw & Order: In the criminal justice system, comedic based offenses are considered especially heinous. In the Skitsverse, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.

*[Claw & Order loudly snapped his large claw, prompting a response from somewhere else in the house.]*

Chloe *(voice)*: ALAN! IT'S 3 AM! FUCKING GO TO SLEEP!

*[The scene cut to black before lighting back up as the door to Claw & Order's "office," which was actually just the walk in closet in his bedroom, opened up. Troobel Mischife stepped in, seeing Claw & Order mindlessly messing with his "Claw & Order: Attorney at Law"  desk plate, using his giant claw. Troobel cleared his throat, surprising Claw & Order and causing him to accidentally snap the plate in half. He adjusted himself, attempting to look professional by brushing his jacket and shirt, only for his claws to rip them.]*

Troobel: ...Are *you* the lawyer that doubles as a private investigator?

Claw & Order: Indeed.

*[Claw & Order nonchalantly pulled out another desk plate, this one saying "Claw & Order, P.I."]*

Claw & Order: Please, sit.

Troobel: *[sits across from Claw & Order]* I need assistance in finding a certain... stolen pet project of mine.

Claw & Order: A thievery! Nothing I've not handled before!

Troobel: Well, no, it's more complicated than that. See, this "pet project" was taken by a group called the Annihilators, and I guess you could say the "pet" has a double meaning, because it's a he.

Claw & Order: HOOVER DAM!

*[Claw & Order threw his giant claw up and it tore some clothes right next to him, as well as knocked a shelf loose in the closet.]*

Claw & Order: Not just a thiever, a KIDNAPPING! *[slams hand on table]* Don't worry, citizen! We'll find these Anal-ilators!

Troobel: Th- Wh- What??

*[Claw & Order violently got up and caused the desk to flip over on top of Troobel.]*

Claw & Order: Come, citizen! Let's- *[notices Troobel under the table]* O-Oh. Apologies.

Troobel: *[groans]* I knew I should've gone for that two-faced lawyer...

#### Transition

*[The scene turned to a pink swirly background as Gluttony hopped into view. He waved at the audience before burping, the burp cloud taking up the entire scene before going to the next skit.]*

### Beartrapped

Envy: Shouldn't you have this be a death trap?

*[Richard and Envy were seen scoping out the scene of Alan's home from beyond the treeline.]*

Richard: No, you stupid otter. I need to keep him alive to get the ghost in his Simplicitrix.

Envy: Need him alive to get the ghost. Ironic.

Richard: HUSH! I need to concentrate.

*[Richard hit the Negative Simplicitrix, transforming into Negative Beartrap. He plunged his claws into the ground, creating a gigantic framework out of his indigo, bone material before detaching from it. He switched to Negative Jury Rigg, welding together a bunch of nondescript pieces of metal. Negative Plus Sights changed the positioning, and thusly size, of several more items, including a net, cage, chain, and simple lock. Negative Lock-En-Key fitted the trap with an additional energy lock.]*

Negative Lock-En-Key: Hm. It's not enough. I need to think of more.

*[Negative Lock-En-Key struck the Negative Simplicitrix, switching over to Negative Psiomnic. He activated his four brains, and suddenly went full on galaxy brain.]*

Negative Psiomnic: O-Oh. Oh my.

Envy: What?

Negative Psiomnic: ...It's beautiful. Existence! Creation! Life! All of it! ...I MUST LEARN MORE!

*[Negative Psiomnic changed to Negative Goltergeist, and began peacefully walking amongst the fallen souls of all around, from the smallest of bugs to the brightest of people. He found himself getting in touch with his holy side with Negative Indombrittable before becoming human again, his eyes wide with wonder.]*

Envy: ...Wh- What just happened??

Richard: ...It was beautiful, Envy. I-I saw the worth of every living thing! The miniscule yet purposeful nature of our very existence! The divine- SHIT HE'S COMING!

*[Richard pulled Envy into the brush for them to hide.]*

Envy: Wait, wh- Weren't you just ranting about the beauty of life?

Richard: Yeah but fuck that. I'm about to catch my worst enemy!

*[The obnoxiously loud and long sound of the trap, or traps more accurately, activating was heard as Richard hopped up laughing.]*

Richard: YES! HE'S FINALLY CAUGHT!

Alan: Hey, Richard.

Richard: Yes, hello, brother. *[pauses]* B-BROTHER?

*[Richard turned to see Alan nonchalantly walking by.]*

Richard: Wh- B-B- I- Ho- WHO'S IN THE TRAP THEN?!

*[RIchard turned to the trap and became absolutely stunned by the fact it was Professor Emina in the trap instead, waving at him while stuck in the net, cage, and energy lock.]*

Emina: Hey boss!

#### Transition

*[The scene changed to a red background as Alan hopped up. He cracked his knuckles, obnoxiously bringing attention to the lack of a Simplicitrix on his arm. He smirked and blinked, his eyes going red, revealing him as Intimachi, before absorbing the chi from the audience in a blue flash.]*

### Internal Rip-Off Service

*[Richard stood across the street from the Nomaly house. He cracked his neck nefore activating the Negative Simplicitrix, becoming the black-suited, green-furred Negative Cash-A-Check. He picked up a suitcase next to him and crossed the street before nonchalantly knocking on the door. He cleared his throat and pulled out a small card as the door opened.]*

Negative Cash-A-Check: Hello, is this the home of Al-

*[Negative Cash-A-Check looked up and became absolutley befuddled at the sight of Alan. Alan stood there wearing a viking outfit, a bandit's domino mask, a Santa hat, and bunny slippers. Alan stared back at Negative Cash-A-Check without saying a word.]*

Negative Cash-A-Check: Um. *[coughs]* Yes, is this Alan Nomaly?

Alan:

Negative Cash-A-Check: Is... Is that a yes?

Negative Cash-A-Check: *...Riiiiight*. Anyway, I'm here to talk about your taxe-

*[Negative Cash-A-Check quickly was met with the door violently closing in his face.]*

Negative Cash-A-Check: Goddamnit.

#### Transition

*[The scene flashed green as the TARDIS sound was heard, the light fading as the ship landed in a blue background. The Agent opened the door and quickly looked around before shaking his head, and going back into the ship. Its revving noise was heard and the light flashed again.]*

### A Færly Short Skit

*[Alan was seen as Simpleten, holding out his gun as a cyan flash of light appeared over him. He then changed into Mass Effect, and another cyan flash shown over him. Each time there was a cyan flash, it was followed by the Simplicitrix's red flash of him transforming: Digi-Crisis, Similamander, Slapstrike, Nosbile, Feedback.]*

Voice: Alan!

*[Feedback looked surprised for a moment. The scene panned around, revealling the cyan flash came from Velvet taking pictures of his aliens.]*

Velvet: I already know that one.

Feedback: Oh, yeah? Prove it.

Velvet: *[rolls eyes]* Fine.

*[Velvet snapped a picture of Feedback before putting her camera, named Anesidora, back onto her back. There, it generated a hard light copy of the Stabilized Simplicitrix, which she then activated to create a copy of Feedback around her. She then flawlessly utilized Feedback's energy powers, creating a bright blue energy beam that destroyed a nearby Grimm.]*

Velvet: Told you.

Coco: You two still at this?

*[The two turned to see Coco approaching.]*

Feedback: Yep. Just making the most badass team of Remnant a *teensy* bit more badass. Right, Velv?

Velvet: Right!

Coco: Cute.

Velvet: Think you could go a flyer for me real quick?

Feedback: On it.

*[Feedback hit the Simplicitrix, changing into Astrodactyl who Velvet promptly took a picture of before Anesidora's hard light Feedback followed suit with Alan. She then took off into the air and Astrodactyl transformed back. He turned to Coco and his face fell a bit.]*

Coco: Something wrong, watch boy?

Alan: ...You're taller than me. That's not cool, Coco.

Coco: You've been here *how* many times and you've not noticed this before?

Alan: ...That's not cool, Coco.

Coco: If it's so "not cool," why don't you just turn into something taller than me? I know you can.

Alan: Fine, I will! Way Big time!

Coco: *[smirks]* Compensating?

Alan: Wh- N-No!

*[Alan was too concerned with what Coco was saying to realize the Stabilized Simplicitrix's hologram wasn't Way Big, but something else. Velvet landed and her Astrodactyl dissipated as Alan transformed. Coco and Velvet looked on in surprise as Alan had changed into a shorter version of himself, with insect-like wings, and wearing an outfit that appeared to be made of brush, and the Simplicitrix strapped to his neck. Coco immediately burst into laughter at the sight as Velvet snapped a picture of the transformation.]*

Færy: Wh- NO! DON'T TAKE A PICTURE OF THIS!

Coco: No, take *all* the pictures of it. This is rich!

Færy: DELETE THAT FOOTAGE!

Coco: I think what you meant to say is that this would be a Way Big let down.

Færy: YOU SHUSH!

Coco: You're like the size of Weiss when she's not in heels!

Færy: W-WELL AT LEAST IT'S PROPORTIONATELY SHORTER!

Coco: I'm sure it is.

*[Coco winked behind her sunglasses as she lifted up her hand, shortening the distance between her finger and thumb, causing Velvet to blush some while laughing.]*

Velvet: C-Coco!

*[Færy was simply annoyed at first until he realized what Coco meant, then his face dropped and he transformed back silently.]*

Alan: ...I-I'm going home.

## Characters

* Alan Nomaly
* Chloe Nietzsche *(offscreen)*
* The Agent *(transition)*
* Coco Adel
* Velvet Scarlatina

### Villains

* Troobel Mischife
* Richard Nomaly
* Envy
* Professor Emina
* Gluttony *(transition)*

## Aliens Used

### Alan Nomaly

* Claw & Order *(debut)*
* Intimachi *(transition)*
* Simpleten *(debut)*
* Mass Effect *(debut)*
* Digi-Crisis *(debut)*
* Similamander
* Slapstrike *(debut)*
* Nosbile *(debut)*
* Feedback
* Astrodactyl
* Færy *(debut, selected alien was Way Big)*

### Richard Nomaly

* Negative Beartrap *(debut)*
* Negative Jury Rigg
* Negative Plus Sights *(debut)*
* Negative Lock-En-Key *(debut)*
* Negative Psiomnic *(debut)*
* Negative Goltergeist
* Negative Indombrittable *(debut)*
* Negative Cash-A-Check *(debut)*

### Velvet Scarlatina

* Feedback
* Astrodactyl

## Allusions

* Come on. You know what the first skit is alluding to.
* Troobel mentions a "two-faced lawyer," which is a nod to Two-Face from the Batman comics... Or *is* it? *[Vsauce stare]*
* *Internal Rip-Off Service* is a parody of the Internal Revenue Service.
	+ Alan's outfit in this skit is a nod to *Oh, Santa* from VeggieTales, wherein Larry wears a pajama outfit while meeting a bank robber, a viking, and Santa Claus.