234: The Halter Top of Eyes

## Summary

The party venture into the cave dwelling and find a huge collection of pottery in the form of vases, bowls and a plethora of creature statuettes (including representations of gnomes!), all marked with a waterfall, much to the group's surprise and excitement. They awaken Roger, the dwelling's hairy inhabitant, who had been fast asleep in the back room, and are offered some of his hair for the umlaut's stew, in return for a story. They initially attempt to regale Roger with tales of Batthwack's many misadventures, before Gwen recounts the tale of how she met her patron.

## Synopsis

Gwen and Raphina venture into the cave dwelling. Will is not convinced this is a good idea and wishes her luck. Gwen doesn't understand what he's worried about. *"What, do you think they cook children in bread or something?"* Will explains that it wouldn't be the first time. Gwen shows no sign of nervousness though, and walks right in. Batthwack hangs back to keep an eye on things outside and Will waits there too. He stares down silently at the Batthwack, who looks slightly comical, with his normal-sized backpack on his shoulders, which now looks absolutely huge.

   They find themselves inside a very nice, cosy room. The smell of the baking bread is much stronger, and appears to emanate from a glowing oven in the rear of the room. That and the sun streaming through the open door are pretty much the only source of illumination. The room is filled with shelves and counters and there's a table in the middle. Most of these surfaces are covered with various pieces of pottery and clay work: plates, bowls, tea pots, clay pots, some with flowers in them. There's also a wide array and variety of sculptures of different creatures. The table in the centre of the room is mostly empty, but at the centre of it there sits a huge hunk of wet clay. A small doorway in the rear of the room is covered by a piece of hide.

Gwen goes over to the doorway at the back and peeks behind the piece of hide. *"Hello! Is anyone here?"* Behind the hide is a large, dark room, which almost looks like a closet, but instead of clothing hanging up, there is a very large pile of furs heaped up on the floor that might serve as a place to sleep. Gwen's confused that there should be bread baking in the oven and no-one home. Raphina asks if there's anything furry in there (thinking of the umlaut's stew), and Gwen tells her about the pile of furs, but neither of them think it's right to just take someone's stuff without asking.

Batthwack peeks through the door, glancing around with his *Robe of Eyes*, but doesn't see anything invisible. He goes back outside and stands by the door, watching the woods, but also looking up at Will, getting used to the new perspective. Will catches Batthwack looking up at him and makes his crown appear for a second as if to reinforce the new hierarchy. This reminds Batthwack of his own crown, and almost subconsciously he reaches up to feel it. It's much larger on his head now, but it's still stuck firm. Will tries to move his, but also cannot.

Gwen calls out to tell the others that she hasn't found much. She casts *Detect Magic* and finds nothing magical in here. Will begins to wonder if they got the wrong home. Gwen and Raphina make their way outside, so Will goes in to have a look, making a closer inspection of the clay statues, noting not only the variety of different creatures on display, but also different people, and is surprised to see not only humans, dragonborn and dwarves, but also gnomes! There are statues of pretty much all types of people including umlauts and ibish too. He doesn't recognise a lot of the creatures, but that's more down to his background than anything else. He also spots a stack of bowls upside down on a shelf and notes a small symbol stamped into the base. Upon closer inspection he sees it is a waterfall. He begins looking around and checks the bases of a few more clay items, finding the same symbol stamped on all of them.

As he continues to hunt around the room, Will suddenly becomes aware of heavy breathing coming from the back room, behind the piece of hide. Realising with horror that someone must be asleep in there, he exaggeratedly tippy toes his way outside again and, as he quietly closes the door, he excitedly tells the others that there's definitely someone in there. He also tells them about the gnome statues, before realising that Dew would have been the most interested, and he's not there. He then tells Batthwack about the waterfall markings on all the pottery, knowing that he, Captain Clockface and Dew all had waterfall necklaces. Gwen wants to go in and ask about all this stuff, but Will stops her. *"You don't just break into someone's house. If I'm sleeping in my house and you happen to be in Tivoli, don't ever just fucking come in. You're supposed to knock and if the person doesn't answer, you don't go in. That is manners."*

Batthwack suggests they knock really loudly and try and wake up whoever it is, which they do, Will pounding on the door with Batthwack hammering underneath him. From inside they hear a huge, long yawn and Will backs nervously away from the door. Footsteps approach and then the door swings open. Before them stands what appears on first impression to be a very tall pile of furs. On closer inspection it becomes apparent that it is a furry creature wearing furry clothing, patched together from lots of different types of animal furs, all different colours and sizes and shapes. The hair belonging to the creature itself is long and straight and very dark brown, almost black. Every visible portion of their body is coated in it. Their face cannot be seen, save a hint of their eyes behind the fur.

It looks just like the figure they saw earlier, but Raphina wonders to herself whether this is the same one, because she's not sure how there could have been enough time for it to have come back home and fallen into such a deep sleep so as to allow them to wander around it's home without waking it up.

Will waggles his fingers by way of a greeting. In a surprisingly soft voice, the creature says *"Oh, hello! How can I help you?"* making Will jump. Gwen tells them that they smelled the bread baking and just had to come and take a look. The creature invites them in and asks if they'd like some bread and Gwen offers a sticky brick from her purple pouch in return. Batthwack asks if they can leave the door open and the creature is happy to oblige, saying that it does let more light in.

Raphina introduces herself and the creature says his name is Roger. The others introduce themselves as they all make their way indoors. Will hangs back, and is the last to enter. Raphina asks Roger if he knows the umlauts and explains that they're helping them out. He says he does, and is friendly with them, though he generally keeps himself to himself. He asks if the group are friendly and they say that most of them are. Will raises a finger to identify himself as the unfriendly one.

Roger explains that he made all the pottery in his home, and apologises if they were knocking for a long while before he answered the door, explaining that he's a very sound sleeper. He says he sleeps weird; sometimes for brief periods and sometimes for days. Batthwack tells him that they have the opposite problem, in that they can't sleep at all. Roger says that not a lot happens out here in the forest.

Gwen tells him that they're looking for something hairy and badger meat and he says *"Oh! Is one of you the new Supreme Forager?"* He explains that he's aware of the stew they make for their coming of age ritual and that the Supreme Forager has been coming to see him for years, collecting hair to use in it. *"It's been the same person for the few years I've been here."* Batthwack asks if they can have some hair and Roger says of course they can, but the price is very steep. Will has that sinking feeling again. Roger says the price is a story.

Raphina suggests Will is good at stories. *"Oh wait, I mean lies."* Gwen says *"Will, why don't you tell them about Tivoli?"* *"That's near where I grew up!"* says Roger as Will and Raphina both do a double-take. *"I grew up in Bufflin, the region, not the city. That's where my family is."* Batthwack is also surprised that Roger has heard of Tivoli, but Roger explains that the city is a big deal, and Will can barely contain himself. He points at Roger and shouts *"THANK YOU!"*

Roger holds out a breadboard with steaming slices of freshly baked bread. It smells good. Will takes a piece. Roger goes on to say that though they didn't live that close, he'd heard of Tivoli, describing it as second biggest city in Bufflin. Will is a little put out to be reminded of this, but Roger adds that Bufflin's bricks were laid by Tivoli. He wants to know what Will thinks of his bread, and feeling in a good mood, Will takes a bite. It tastes great. He tries to think of the last time he had a warm piece of freshly baked bread.

Realising that wasn't much of a story, Batthwack offers something else. *"Have you heard the story about the town where people were running all over it, yelling about fragments of depraved gods?"* Roger is intrigued by this, but Batthwack says they don't know how that one ends. Raphina suggests the story of *"The Tiny Batthwack Who Once Was Not Tiny... Once upon a time, there was a tall Batthwack. He suffered many very unfortunate things. Once he was swallowed by a giant toad. Another time he was an iguana. And there were some other humiliations that I don't remember at this moment, but most recently, he suddenly turned into only half of his height. Ha ha. The end."* Will also reminds them of the time that Batthwack was swallowed by a gelatinous cube and Gwen chimes in to also add the time that he accidentally killed someone when he cast the wrong spell. Batthwack walks outside and closes the door. Will adds that Batthwack is a really good person, *"so when he kills somebody, that's not something that he likes to do. It's kind of sad, actually."* He goes quiet for a second. *"Yeah. It's a sad story."*

Will opens the door and watches as Batthwack wanders outside, making his way first towards one side of the hill that this cave dwelling is built into, and then the other. Will steps outside as well. Inside, Gwen and Raphina aren't sure that what they've offered so far are really stories. Raphina asks what kind of stories the umlauts usually tell him, but Roger says *"Well the umlauts don't tell me stories, the Supreme Forager does."* Roger explains that the umlauts refer to the Supreme Forager as an umlaut, but she is in fact a dwarf. He doesn't know if she has a name; they're always just referred to as the Supreme Forager.

Gwen says that with a title like that, you wouldn't need anything else. Roger says he has no title. Gwen says *"Titles are just really, I don't know..."* *"Gauche?"* suggests Roger. Gwen says she has a story he might like and Roger settles onto his stool in anticipation. She hands him a sticky brick, and he deftly sweeps the hair away from his mouth to eat. Gwen begins. *"There once was this... princess, we'll say, who was not very happy because, just like you, she felt that the title was gauch, and didn't really mean much. She enjoyed cooking, much like you, and one day when she was out in the forest foraging for delicious things to cook, she came upon this magical unicorn, who could talk. This unicorn promised her really awesome magical powers if she would help her spread good throughout the land. And being that titles are dumb, she ditched that princess title and she took the magical powers and now can do so many really cool things, as well as cooking very well, and is going throughout the land of Six Rivers now, trying to help people and spread good to everybody."*

Roger seems to have enjoyed this story so far, but asks if there is a twist to the tale. *"Is the unicorn evil?!"* he asks hopefully. Gwen vehemently denies this, but Raphina points out there was another unicorn which they're unsure about, and Gwen goes very quiet.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Eric. After Batthwack suggests looking around with his *Robe of Eyes*, Gwen asks *"Is the robe teeny tiny now?"* Alex: *"The eyes are super tiny now."* Eric: *"It's too small."* Alex: *"Is it? The robe did not shrink?"* Eric: *"No, it shrunk too much."* KT: *"Tight!"* Alex: *"It's like a bathrobe that doesn't fit."* Eric: *"The Halter Top of Eyes"*

## Recap Song

Recap as a (brief) parody of *In Da Club* by 50 Cent:

Go shorty, it's short Batthwack

We're gonna party like it's short Batthwack

We're gonna sip summer stew like it's short Batthwack

## References

1. ↑ See episodes 14: The Attempted Pike Poke and 20: Take That, Bette Midler!
2. ↑ And so did Harry the aged elf from Norton.
3. ↑ See episode 185: 25% Too Much Twerking
4. ↑ See episode 106: Wah, I'm an Iguana
5. ↑ See episode 193: Batthwack's the Fruit!
6. ↑ See episode 224: Pork Fried Dice: A Pay-To-Play Game