The Mattress Show

Big Bird, Linus and Elmo try to get back Charlie Brown's lost mattress.

## Charlie Brown's Problem

* *[Begins with Linus in front of Charlie Brown's House]*
* **Linus:** Elmo.
* **Elmo:** Linus?
* **Linus:** Don't you see, Elmo? It's closed! Charlie Brown's home is closed! The doors are locked. The doors are locked and we are on the outside. Outsiders. What are we going to do, Elmo?
* **Charlie Brown:** Just stand aside, and let me unlock the door.
* **Linus:** *[face comes out his backside]* Charlie Brown, you're here! *[jumping around]* Gosh, Charlie, we were worried something might have happened to you.
* **Charlie Brown:** *[hurts his back]* Aaugh, my back!
* **Linus:** Are you hurt, Charlie?
* **Charlie Brown:** *[sarcastically]* No. I'm just doubled over in pain, fighting back tears in my eyes because it's a new dance craze! *[wiggles his hands from side to side like he's dancing]*
* **Linus:** Oh good, I thought you were hurt.
* **Charlie Brown:** *[shouting]* I am hurt! I'm sorry Linus. It's just my back is killing me. It's my stupid mattress. It's like trying to sleep on something painful and broken. I'm going out of me mind. *[back breaks again]* Aaugh!
* **Linus:** Poor Charlie Brown. What are we going to do, Elmo?
* **Elmo:** Why do anything?
* **Linus:** I'm serious, Elmo.
* **Elmo:** So am I.
* **Linus:** We should get Charlie Brown a new mattress and surprise him with it as a gift.

## New Mattress

* *[at a store]*
* **Linus:** Well, how many do you think there are?
* **Snoopy:** *[looks around and thinks]* Over 500.
* **Linus:** Cool.
* **Employee:** There's plenty more than that. Try them out. Find one you like.
* *[Montage of Linus and Snoopy checking out the mattresses. Linus jumps on a mattress, Snoopy lays down on a mattress, Snoopy sits in a race car bed, Linus sits on the top of a Double Decker bed, Finally, Snoopy lays down on a rocking crib. Now back at Charlie's Home]*
* **Elmo:** What are you doing?
* **Linus:** Making a card for Charlie. To go with his new mattress.
* **Elmo:** Oh, I see. Well, I won't stand for it. Gimme that card. *[signs card]* Trying to outsmart me, will ya? *[licks envelope]* There, I signed it for all of us. *[later at Charlie Brown's house]*
* **Charlie Brown:** Oh, Good Grief. Well, here goes another useless attempt to sleep on my football mattress. *[lays on his mattress]* Huh, that's queer. My mattress seems strangely cozy and butter-like... *[falls asleep]*
* **Linus, Elmo & Big Bird:** Surprise!
* **Charlie Brown:** Armageddon! What? Oh, you? What are you doing in me bedroom?
* **Linus:** We noticed how miserable you were on your mattress.
* **Big Bird:** So I suggested we get you a new one.
* **Elmo:** *[talking to Linus]* I thought it was your idea.
* **Charlie Brown:** *[through gritted teeth]* So, where's me old mattress then? *[fury goes up]*
* **Big Bird:** Don't worry, Charlie Brown, I took care of that personally, too. I had it hauled away to the dump.
* *[Charlie Brown gasps and walks backward, hits his lamp and trashes some books]*
* **Linus:** Charlie Brown!
* **Charlie Brown:** No! *[faints]*
* **Elmo:** And we got you a card. *[Charlie Brown faints again. Later, at the hospital]*
* **Linus:** Is it serious, patty? Will Charlie Brown be alright?
* **Peppermint Patty:** Chuck is in a cash-coma. Only the return of his mattress can save his life.
* **Big Bird:** It was Linus's fault. Getting Charlie Brown a new mattress was his idea.
* **Elmo:** I knew it!
* **Police Officer:** Not so fast! *[holds up get well card]* This card says "This was all my idea. Love, Big Bird." If Charlie Brown doesn't pull through, you're going to jail.
* **Big Bird:** Ooh... you did this, Linus! If you don't get Charlie Brown's mattress back from the dump, I am going to murd... *[officer clears throat]* ...help you do it myself.
* **Elmo:** Wow, he really does care. *[later at the dump]*

## The Dump

* **Elmo:** What a dump.
* **Linus:** We gotta get in there, Big Bird. Charlie Brown is counting on us.
* **Elmo:** Hey, Linus, isn't that the mattress over there?
* **Linus:** Terrific, Elmo, you found it!
* **Big Bird:** What? Where? Lemme see. Where?
* **Linus:** There it is Big Bird, underneath that really big guard bobcat.
* **Big Bird:** Oh, that figures. *[later at the hospital]*
* **Peppermint Patty:** Oh no, this is horrible.
* **Marcie:** What is it, sir?
* **Peppermint Patty:** This man has no insurance.
* **Marcie:** He'll never be able to afford this room!
* **Peppermint Patty:** You're right, nurse. Extract the patient to the hallway. Stat! *[Charlie Brown is pushed into a snack machine]*
* **Linus:** Well, that's Charlie Brown' mattress, alright. Let's go get it.
* **Big Bird:** Okay, here's the plan: you two quietly go in there, remove the mattress out from the bobcat without... waking... the bobcat.
* **Elmo:** Why not?
* **Linus:** Because that would be rude, Elmo.
* **Big Bird:** And nothing's meaner than a junkyard cat. He'll eat you alive!
* **Elmo:** Hey, wait a minute, what are you gonna do?
* **Big Bird:** Oh, I've got the most important job. I'm going to keep watch to make sure it's safe.
* **Elmo:** Gee, thanks buddy.
* **Big Bird:** My pleasure. Now let's gets a move on. *[laughs]*
* **Linus:** *[Elmo climbs the fence]* Ah, isn't it beautiful, Elmo? You can see everything from up here.
* **Elmo:** Wow. *[both sigh]*
* **Big Bird:** What are you morons doing?
* **Linus:** Hey, Elmo, I think I can see our houses from here.
* **Elmo:** Where? I can't see them. *[fence flips around to where Big Bird is inside and Linus & Elmo are outside]*
* **Linus & Elmo:** Wow. *[both laugh]*
* **Elmo:** Let's do it again. *[Linus and Elmo continue laughing]*
* **Big Bird:** What did you idiots do?
* **Elmo:** Big Bird, what are you doing in there? You were suppose to keep watch.
* **Linus:** Yeah, and you woke up the guard bobcat too.
* **Big Bird:** I didn't do it! You blockheads woke...! the... bobcat. *[screams as brutus attacks him. later at the hospital]*
* **Grover:** Pep?
* **Peppermint Patty:** Yes, Grover?
* **Grover:** Regarding your patient, Pep. I have come to this conclusion.
* **Peppermint Patty:** Yes, go on.
* **Grover:** We have to surgically remove him out from in front of the vending machine so I can get to the granola bar.
* **Peppermint Patty:** Of course. Grover?
* **Marcie:** I'm on it. *[wheels Charlie Brown outside the hospital. later at the dump]*
* **Linus:** *[climbing down a rope with Elmo to get inside the gate]* Cat-bait to the retriever. Cat bait to the retriever. We're in. Out.
* **Big Bird:** Retriever to cat bait, stay in. Don't go out.
* **Linus:** Understood. Out.
* **Big Bird:** No! In! Out.
* **Linus:** Understood. Out.
* **Big Bird:** Oh, look, you're at the far side of the dump, right?
* **Linus:** Affirmative.
* **Big Bird:** Good. Then make lots of noise to draw the guard cat away from the mattress so I can retrieve it.
* **Linus:** Affirmative. Out. Oh, that's why he calls himself 'The Retriever'.
* **Elmo:** Why are we called 'Cat-bait?'
* **Linus:** I dunno. *[ululating with Elmo]* Great idea, Elmo! *[Then both uses bagpipes to make loud noises that draws Brutus away]*
* **Big Bird:** And my perfect plan falls into place. *[laughs]*
* **Elmo:** *[continues ululating with Linus]* Uhh, Linus?
* **Linus:** Yes, Elmo?
* **Elmo:** I think I know why our code name is "Cat-bait". *[guard worm rushes up and growls at them both until it notices the yarn]*
* **Linus:** Oh, you want this yarn? **CATCH IT!** *[throws the yarn away]*
* **Elmo:** Ohh, Linus, he likes yarn.
* **Linus:** *[Brutus follows the yarn]* Wow, I think you're right, Elmo.
* **Big Bird:** Coast is clear. Boys, you are a genius. *[yarn hits Big Bird in the head]* Ouch. What the...? Hey, I needed a yarn. I'll just keep it safe from harm in my back pocket. *[places yarn in back pocket]* And now for the mattress. *[Brutus bites Big Bird in the back]* I should've guessed. *[Brutus attacks Big Bird. back at the hospital]*
* **The Inspector:** Excuse me, doctor.
* **Peppermint Patty:** The Inspector, what can I do for you?
* **The Inspector:** It has come to me attention that your patient, Charlie Brown, is outside on the front sidewalk.
* **Peppermint Patty:** Yes, yes he is.
* **The Inspector:** What were you thinking? We're trying to run a business. We can't leave patients on the sidewalk.
* **Peppermint Patty:** Not to worry. Marcie!
* **Marcie:** I'm on it. *[pushes Charlie Brown away from the hospital and down a hill. Back at the dump, dawn is breaking]*
* **Big Bird:** Alright, you two, what's the holdup?
* **Linus:** We feel silly.
* **Big Bird:** Come on, do it for Big Bird.
* **Linus:** Okay. *[Linus & Elmo jump out of the portable potty in steak costumes]* Can you explain the plan again, Big Bird?
* **Big Bird:** Sure, but first, put on this cologne.
* **Linus:** *[reads label]* Steak sauce? *[shrugs shoulders and puts the sauces on his body]*
* **Big Bird:** Okay, so you are dressed as steak. You go in there and yell "Trick or treat!" The bobcat will realize he forgot to stock up on Halloween candy, he'll leave to buy some then we take the mattress.
* **Elmo:** Gimme that cologne. *[Elmo puts the sauce on his body]*
* **Big Bird:** Now get in there!
* **Linus:** Happy Halloween, Big Bird!
* **Big Bird:** I am not going to get hurt this time. *[hears some rattling in the distance. It's Charlie Brown on his hospital bed rolling down the street into the dump]* Isn't that Charlie Brown? *[screams as Charlie Brown runs over Big Bird, crashes through the gate, and runs into a rock, causing the bed to flip him over in front of his mattress. Brutus growls]*
* **Elmo:** That guard worm doesn't look very happy.
* **Linus:** Run, Charlie Brown! Run like you're not in a coma!
* **Charlie Brown:** *[sniffs around and recovers]* It's... the mattress! *[Brutus snarls as Charlie Brown roars like a Lion and sends the bobcat into the air and off the mattress]* Oh, mattress. I promise I'll never leave you alone again.
* **Linus:** Hey, Charlie Brown. *[Charlie Brown jumps on his mattress and barks ferociously]* No, Charlie Brown, it's us!
* **Elmo:** Trick or treat.
* **Charlie Brown:** Oh, hey, Linus. I didn't recognize you. Say, why are you two dressed like meat?
* **Linus:** We're Steaks! Right, Big Bird?
* **Big Bird:** Oh, I give up. *[Brutus lands in Big Bird's arm snarling at him. Big Bird runs off as the Brutus chases him]*