The Soap Commercial

## Bio

**The Soap Commercial** is a comedy monologue performed by Benny Hill on February 4, 1970. The routine describes the activity in the television industry, specifically in making a soap commercial with Benny on stage without cast or props. The monologue is actually a remake of an identical routine from his BBC years.

## Lyrics

"Dear ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure there must be a lot of things which you the viewers must wonder about in television. I mean, for example, those commercials where there's a girl taking a bath... or a shower. I mean, don't you ever wonder how they were made? And who was there? And what they were thinking?

"Well, I did a commercial the other day. In actually, on the set in the studio next to us, they were doing one of these girl-in-the-bath commercials, and I finished what I was doing, and I sort of casually strolled over there... at sixty-five miles per hour. There was a very beautiful bath set, and there was a very nervous producer pacing up and down, and suddenly through the door came the most beautiful blonde-haired girl you’ve ever seen in your life, and he went straight up to her, and said.

(*affected voice*)

“Miss Hargreaves (*nervous chuckling*), ready when you are. Well, we can’t start until you’re... (*hedging*) undressed... in the nude... in the bath, can we? Yes, for the commercial... (*nervous chuckling*) For soap.

"The agency told you "soup." Well, I do assure you. It is for soap... Bath soap. (*nervous chuckling*) Yes, well, people don't take a bath with their clothes on. Well. do they? Yes, I realize it is extra money for taking your clothes off, and the firm will be happy to pay for the extra, and if they won’t, (*deep breath*) I will.
"
Yes, I will have a talk with all the lads. Only the most essential technicians will be here, my dear, you can see, like the car park attendant… and the canteen manager… Well, don't worry, you will be under the soapy water most the time. Harry will put his hand into the soap and froth the water all up. Yes, before you get in, dear. Yes, well, if it goes flat while you're in it, we will have to rely on Harry's self-restraint... Won’t we?

"Yes, he will be holding the hand-held camera on your back most of the time, you see, and only toward the end, he'll come around and hold it on your face, Yes, it's going to be on your face. It may be shaking a little, but it will be on your face, you see. Yes, and if there's any scenes in there that are a little bit risque... Don't worry. We will take them out and file them (*quickly correcting*) throw them away.

"Yes, you will go and change. Harry, will you go over and froth up the water. Yes, do it now. Harry. Right, Miss Hargreaves. In to the bath. Oh, you are a big girl. There's just one thing, Miss Hargreaves. Would you mind tossing your dressing-gown off and throw it over the side. All right, Harry. There’s no more need to froth up the tub any longer. It's frothy... Oh, you dropped your pen in there. Well, we'll just have to leave it there till later, won't we?

"Take one... Oh, that's lovely. Pick up the soap, dear. Oh, cut! Cut!! What's the problem, Miss Hargreaves? There's no need to stand up. Why did you stand up? You found Harry's pen... There's no need to stand up. You can give it to him afterwards. All right, now, take two, All right, hold up the soap. Right, splendid! Thank you, Miss Hargreaves... Yes, you can go and change now...

(*Answering invisible phone*)

"Hello, what? Oh, I see.... Okay, thank you..."

(*Hanging up invisible phone*)

"Uh, you won't believe this, Miss Hargreaves, but it was soup.

"Yes, soup... "