Fake TPOT 32: Squ̇āshy

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.

"**Squ̇āshy**" is the non-canon thirty-second episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 30 April 1984. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. "**Squashy**" is an alternate title, as not all keyboards support the combining dot above diacritic. This episode was known as "**The Revolution Will Be Televised**" in its creation process.

Author's note: *Fake TPOT* has now surpassed the fourth season of BFDI in the number of episodes produced. There are now 30 BFBs and 31 TPOTs (as always, I must mention that I did not write TPOT 1). I don't know whether to laugh or cry. But one thing's fer sherrrr: Thanks for staying around!

Description if this were on YouTube:

There's a storm brewing on the Equation Playground. Systems are being turned on their heads, life as they know it is being questioned, and to outsiders it seems as if the ugly head of war has shown its visage. But has it really? Find out as the contestants have the time of their lives doing nothing while the hosts watch their world come tumbling down... only in this revolutionary episode of THE POWER OF TWO!

Previous episode: "The Call of Wagtayatli"

Next episode: "Beyond the Sea"

## Cold open

### **Filing cabinet**

**Scene**A view of the "kids'" new room, away from Balloony and Cloudy. This is where **Naily**, **Nickel**, **Bomby** and **Cake** stay. Enter **Robot Flower**—she sees the four residents of the room dancing to no music.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Are you people in pain?
* **N****a****ily**: No, we're dancing!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: You need music to dance.
* **Nic****k****el**: What is this, art class? This is just what we do when we wait for TV to come over.
* **N****a****ily**: He's the one that puts on that music dancing game for us! Where is he, anyway, Arefko?
* **C****a****ke**: Yeah, where'd he go?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: I have no idea.
* **N****a****ily**: Aw.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: You know, I can be your music!
* **E****g****gy**: [*from the room to their left*] Oh no, not the singing!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: [*to Eggy*] Why not?
* **E****g****gy**: Because! ♫ I sing much better than yooooouuuuu! ♫ [*The others look confused.*]
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Be quiet!
* **C****a****ke**: Oh, come on, let's hear your pipes, RF! [*Everyone looks at him.*] *Pipes* refers to your voice.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Here we go! Ech-em! [*to the tune of "Shine On, Harvest Moon"*] ♫ ***LÄLÄ LÄLÄLÄLÄLÄ LÄLÄLÄLÄ! LÄLÄLÄ LÄLÄLÄLÄLÄ LÄLÄLÄLÄLÄ!*** ♫

[*A knock on the wall.*]

* **N****a****ily**: [*sigh*] It's the neighbour, trying to cramp our style!
* **F****old****y**: [*from the room to their right*] Can you please keep it down in there?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: We know you're making out with Stape-O again!
* **F****old****y**: Yes, that's right!

[*Silence.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Suddenly, I don't feel like dancing.
* **C****a****ke**: Me neither.
* **Bom****by**: Let's just sit instead!
* **N****a****ily**: Yeah!

[*An abbreviated version of the intro plays, from this episode known as "the intro".*]

## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **Hotel restaurant**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** are staring at **TV**, who is just showing a black screen. In the rare incident that he has a face, he does not look very happy.
* **Five**: I liked the error message better.
* **Two**: Can you put that on instead, TV?
* **T****V**: I told you literally a thousand times, I don't want to show it. In fact, it's too painful.
* **Two**: Oh, please, it's just a grey screen saying "This channel is not available on your planet until the 100 days are over."
* **T****V**: No, it's also static, and that means a lot of processing. That requires much more work than if I kept showing this blank screen, which I'm enjoying a lot right now.
* **Two**: Okay, since when did you become a clever-clogs Golf Ball–type character?
* **Five**: Two!
* **Two**: I'm sorry, but we've been sat in front of you for a hundred days waiting for the Equation Playground news channel to reach us.
* **T****V**: But it won't yet. I'm just surprised you could be bothered to sit here and not frolic or whatever when you know it'll take three months for something to appear on this channel.
* **Two**: And it's all because of your Earthly government of objects. Yuck.
* **Five**: Two, I know you're upset, but—
* **Two**: But what? Can't a pair of numbers watch their favourite news channel in peace?
* **Five**: [*Aside.*] Don't worry. He's TV, a real pushover.
* **T****V**: I heard that!
* **Five**: Ò!

### **Outside**

**Scene**While all of that is happening indoors, the contestants are relaxing on the field.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*looking at the picture of him and Gregg in his wallet*] Haaaah.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Was that a sigh or a slow-motion laugh?
* **T****r****e****e**: The first one. I just love my man.
* **P****en**: Oh, I know that feeling.
* **T****r****e****e**: Hey, wasn't I the only man you truly loved? And mind you, that was when you were head over heels in love with someone else.
* **P****en**: Come to think of it, maybe I don't know that feeling.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Um, guys, maybe you shouldn't talk about untrue love, where Snowball might hear us.

[*Black Hole indicates* **Snowball**, *who stands in the middle of the field in a statuesque manner.* **Basketball**, **Tennis Ball** *and* **Golf Ball** *non-invasively observe him with clipboards.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: It's fine; we don't like him anyway.
* **P****en**: So, Tree, what's Gregg like? Think we've heard *el zippo* about him.
* **T****r****e****e**: That's because I like to keep my private life, you know, private.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: A good way to live.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But we still want to know what you're getting into.

[*Black Hole looks at Remote.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What? Curiosity doesn't actually kill the cat.
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, fine; if you nosy beings want to know, I'll tell you. Might as well reveal everything I know about Gregg in random order.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Why?
* **T****r****e****e**: Because you people always make such a fuss with your guessing-game nonsense.
* **P****en**: Balances it out like how you make a fuss about everything else, eh? [*nudges Tree*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I think he's talking to you and Remote. I'm secure.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We do like our guessing.
* **T****r****e****e**: Alright, you've pushed me. Fact #1: Gregg's favourite artistic motif is a meander.

[*Pen, Remote and Black Hole look at one another for a second.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I must know more.

[*Meanwhile, with the balls.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Out of the three of us here, I'm the only one who doesn't wear glasses.
* **Golf Ball**: You don't need them; you're young and hip. Do young people still say *hip*, Tennis Ball?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: No, they say *bitchin'*.
* **Golf Ball**: I will not be repeating that.
* **Sn****owba****ll**: ***LONI LAMECIDERE!***

[*The other balls stare at Snowball, shocked. Basketball writes something on her clipboard.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: [*Silence.*] Okay.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Guess that's better than invoking Loni Ander-sun, a-hyuk!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Wait a minute, guys. According to my corpus analysis of all the utterances Snowball has made since we arrived, I think I now have a good conclusion.
* **Golf Ball**: What is it?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Snowball... is trying to tell us something.
* **Golf Ball**: No, he's obviously meditating with Gregorian chants. /s [*realizing*] I mean. That is a good conclusion.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: But how could you expand on that?
* **Baske****t****ball**: No idea. Guess that's why we're researching a rare creature in the first place, right?
* **Golf Ball**: Yes. The scientific papers will be abuzz with our findings on observing the supposedly reformed Snowball.

### **Hotel restaurant**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** are getting impatient.
* **Two**: Come on, TV, why won't you play?
* **T****V**: Just wait, please. There'll be a countdown in a few seconds. Look!

[*Beep! Some words appear on TV's screen: "The countdown to the countdown will begin in 45 seconds."*]

* **Two**: Who puts a countdown on a countdown?
* **T****V**: I don't know. Do I look like a media broadcasting service? I'm just the pilot of the airwaves.
* **Two**: And I'm Henry the Eighth, I am. /s [*Aside.*] Oh-ho, Five, this is a little worrying.
* **Five**: I know. TV never talks back. Do you think we've pushed him to the limit?
* **Two**: Yeah. Let's make him silent!
* **Five**: But how?

[*Enter* **Remote**, *who is fixing to get something to drink.*]

* **Two**: Remote!
* **T****V**: Hi, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Was that one of TV's voices?
* **Two**: N- no, it was somebody else. Listen, can you press the mute button on yourself whilst facing in our direction?

[*As Two says this, they and Five look at each other. They both move in front of TV.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*excited*] You want me to take away your ability to speak?
* **Two**: Sure. I mean, it's not causing death.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Em, true. Okay, I'll do it. In five, four, three, two...

[*As Remote counts down, Two and Five move out of the way before she sees who she is aiming at.*]

* **T****V**: No, no, no, wait, Remote, don't—
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Beep. [*presses the mute button while aimed at TV, thus causing him to lose his ability to make noise on his own*]

[*Two and Five raise their hands in celebration. They do a celebratory jig on top of the tables.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hold up. Was that... TV?
* **Two**: It was *a* TV.
* **Five**: An all-terrain vehicle?
* **Two**: Shh!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: If that's not TV, then I need not be worried.
* **Five**: Good. Now we don't really need you any more.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Can I still get a battery acid suh-moothie?
* **Two**: Go ahead.
* **Five**: Charge responsibly.

[*Exit* **Remote**. *TV makes a beeping noise to show "The connection to the Equation Playground has been established and broadcasts will resume in 10 seconds."*]

* **Two**: Ten seconds!
* **Five**: That's five times *twoooooooooooo!*
* **Two**: Indeed.
* **Five**: Oh, this is going to be so exciting; I can't wait to see the—

[*After a hundred days, TV's screen shows the news. Various scenes of objects protesting and marching through the streets of the Equation Playground. Discordant chants in various languages. Government buildings surrounded by objects of just about every colour known to the eye. We see Two's and Five's reactions: pure horror.*]

* **Five**: What...
* **Two**: The...
* **Five**: Heck.

[*Two looks at Five.*]

* **Five**: I can't be profane around you!
* **Two**: Who cares about profanity when I can't even process what's going on there?

[*The reporter begins to speak. He looks awfully similar to Donut the TPOT contestant, but he is in fact called...*]

**Not-Donut**: [*holding a microphone*] And you may not be able to process what's going on here. For those tuning in from areas that are just starting to receive our coverage of the Objects' Revolution... the objects... are in a revolution. In fact they are revolting at this very minute and are about to overtake the—
[*A crash can be heard.*]
**Not-Donut**: They have just overtaken the Numerical Palace.
[*Two and Five gasp in horror as cheering can be heard from the television.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: Not the Numerical Palace!

**Not-Donut**: I'm Not-Donut, and we'll be back.
[*White noise sound effect as what is meant to be a brief commercial break is just television static.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
* **Two**: Oooooooohhhhhhhh!
* **Five**: Lelelelelelelelelelele!
* **Two**: *Fenōji-umfa-ñoojay-leefee-uhmhat-zhaggọt-phutta-gung!*
* **Five**: This must be the worst day in algebralien history!
* **Two**: Our foundations of power, destroyed!

[**Price Tag** *quietly enters the restaurant. Neither Two nor Five notice at first.*]

* **Five**: We'll have to resort to the shadow government, which includes 2,763 of my fifth cousins, but not meeeee! [*starts crying*]
* **Two**: [*shaking Five*] Get a hold of yourself!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Um... guys? What's, erm, going on?
* **Two**: [*back to happy*] Taggy! What brings you here?
* **Five**: I hope it's not a battery acid suh-moothie.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh, no, this is something different. See, we're supposed to be starting Cake at Stake soon.
* **Two**: Oh, the competition! We've been so busy sat around the non-sentient telly that we've completely forgotten what we're here for!
* **Five**: Actually, I remembered; I just put it at the back of my mind.
* **Two**: Don't rub it in, Five.
* **Five**: Sorry. Anyway, Price Tag, I don't think we're... er... mentally prepared to host today.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: It's okay, I get it. I wouldn't host a show either if I'd had Polish puff peppers for dinner last night.

[*TV's screen starts to show "Returning to regular programming in 20 seconds".*]

* **Two**: Hey, Taggy. How would you like to be our host for the day?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Me, really?
* **Two**: Yes, we need someone to fill the gaps while we're busy.
* **Five**: [*Aside.*] Shh, don't give them any hints!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh. Well, thanks! Or as we say where I'm from, cheers!

[**Price Tag** *jumps up and runs back to the others outside. Two and Five look at the television again.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Guess what, people, I'm going to be host!
* **S****aw**: Oh my gosh, that's gr***8!***
* **B****o****k**: I don't think we've ever had a genderqueer host before!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I know, right? Now I say it's time for Cake at Stake!
* **Everyone**: Yaaaay!
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: Noooo-ho-hoooo!

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene**The first "regular" Cake at Stake takes place on a now-empty hotel roof: **Price Tag** has gathered their fellow contestants for Cake at Stake. Sitting on the floor behind the main scene are **Clock**, **Coiny**, **Golf Ball** and **Pin**, who are immune. Everyone else (except **Donut**, who for some reason is absent) is standing on poorly-drawn circles on the floor: These are the platforms at a time when all the furniture has been either stolen by Ilta or packed up by the former members of Vitas.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Welcome, everybody, to the hotel roof!
* **Ar****esko**: Yeah, you got this, Taggo!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Naily would be so proud of you!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I know. [*Beat.*] Hey, it's a little empty, don't you think?
* **Winner**: I don't quite like it.
* **Golf Ball**: And why are we sitting on the floor like domesticated animals?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Because... Ilta flogged all the furniture when he duelled with Two and Five. But, like, honestly, I could have sworn that at least one person would like to live up here. Especially you, Black Hole.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Unfortunately, we all have an aversion to hotel roofs.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It's because Tree and Pen had their big fight here, which made this place unlivable.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh. Right. Well... in that case, it's kind of good that Ilta destroyed everything, isn't it?

[*Silence.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh yeah, and there's the voting. Yes. About that. Get to doing that, people.

[*No one moves, as they are unsure what to do.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: There seems to be an issue.
* **Puffball**: What is it?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: The issue is that with Stemkastje gone, how are we supposed to vote?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: And I oop, that's exactly what it is. Okay, so how should we... dooooo this?

[*A flashcard falls out of the sky. Half of the contestants look up. Price Tag reads it.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: These are the votes from the commenters.

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **P****i****n**: [*from the audience*] I didn't know the commenters had a say!
* **Li****y**: You'd better be popular, people.
* **B****o****k**: So, Taggy, who got the most votes?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Let's see... [*puts the card closer to their eyes*] It appears that Tree did.
* **T****r****e****e**: Out of sixteen people, the audience voted for me. Couldn't they have wasted their time on someone else? *Why me?*
* **P****en**: 'Cause you're so cool! Boy, if they let us vote for each other again, I swear I'd put you down a hundred times.
* **T****r****e****e**: Aaagh, the sanguinity.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Black Hole is also safe.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Thanks.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: And as I go down the list, it looks like the other safe contestants are Pen, Tennis Ball, Bok, Snowball, Remote, Price Tag (hey, that's me!), er... Liy, Basketball, Winner, Fries, Donut and Saw.
* **Li****y**: What, no suspense?

[*The spotlight shines on Aresko and Puffball, who have yet to be declared safe.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: There's your suspense.
* **Li****y**: I guess I can live with that.
* **Ar****esko**: Oh no, Puffball, either you or me will be going to the Filing Cabinet!
* **Puffball**: I hope it's not me.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Actually...

[*Aresko and Puffball gasp.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wait a minute... [*inspects the paper closer*] I don't believe it! The two lowest-voted contestants got the same number of votes from the audience!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: That's amazing; this hasn't happened since episode 23! The odds of that are exceedingly low.
* **Ar****esko**: But how is that possible? How many did the both of us get?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: A low number!
* **Puffball**: So what does that mean for us?
* **Ar****esko**: Yeah, do we have to duel to the death? [*gives Puffball the side-eye*]
* **Puffball**: Dude, I'd so massacre you in a death duel.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*nervous*] No-no! No massacring today. At least not in front of Death Corp, heh. [*looking around*] I'd better check the rules for this, 'cause I know they were updated this year. Clock?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yes, according to the newest edition of the *TPOT Game Rules*... [*Taggy rolls their eyes.*] "a tie during Cake at Stake must be broken with the full authority of the host."
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: But the host isn't here.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I was getting to that. "In the event of the host's absence, both contestants are permitted to participate until their return, after which they are both eliminated due to time constraints typical for the second half of a season."

## Post–Cake at Stake

[*Dramatic sting.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Oh no, we're both going to be eliminated!
* **Puffball**: And it's the second half of the season!
* **Ar****esko**: [*sigh*] We'd better make this count, former Alef.
* **Puffball**: Mm-hmm. So that's why I'm going to reveal something to you, in fact, to all of you.

[*Puffball floats upwards to make herself seen.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: [*confused*] Wha...
* **Puffball**: Everyone, I have an announcement.
* **P****en**: Look, it's Puffball!
* **T****r****e****e**: No, Pen, it's Puff*bull*, Puffball's second cousin, twice removed. /s
* **Puffball**: Can you two wanton word mills let me finish?
* **[** **P****en** · **T****r****e****e** **]**: Sorry.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: What's your announcement?
* **Puffball**: I...

[*Puffball looks around at everyone and freezes up.*]

* **Puffball**: I... I can't say it now.

[*She floats back down, awkwardly. Fries pats her head to console her. Another flashcard falls from the sky and Taggy catches it.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: [*quietly*] This is about the thing you're trying to hide, isn't it?
* **Puffball**: Mm-hmm.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Don't worry. I won't let *anyone* know your secret.
* **Golf Ball**: What secret?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Stay out of this, Golf Ball.
* **Golf Ball**: But it could be beneficial to the performance of our team!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: I don't think it is.
* **Golf Ball**: But—
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*calling her over*] Golf Ball, I think Snowball's about to talk again!
* **Golf Ball**: Coming, Tennis Ball!

[*Golf Ball starts to run over to him but trips on a piece of string.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Okay, it looks like we have our next challenge.

## Pre-contest

* **Golf Ball**: [*muffled—she's speaking from the ground*] Is it not to trip over things that are avoidable?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: No. In fact, your next challenge is right here on this card!
* **Ar****esko**: Ooh.
* **Winner**: What's it say?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: It says the first thing we have to do is to return to our hotel rooms.
* **Baske****t****ball**: We can do that, right, everyone?
* **Everyone**: Yeah!
* **Baske****t****ball**: They only agree with me so they can go back to sleep.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It is still early morning.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Well, into the lift we go.
* **Golf Ball**: But the elevator is broken!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: What?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: It's true; Ilta stole it, along with all the other furniture.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh... that's not good. Down the stairs we go, then!

[*Exeunt omnes. Manent* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote**.]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ready?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Em-hem.

[*Remote orbits Black Hole and they fly downstairs together.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*off-screen*] *Death Corp*?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It is time to rethink our company name, my friend.

### **Between the hotel floors**

**Scene****Price Tag** stands between the doors of the two hotel rooms of the contestants. All the other contestants stand behind them.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wait, guys, before you enter, I'd better tell you the challenge rules.
* **B****o****k**: Out in the hallway?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: If this were an actual hotel, we'd all be a fire hazard.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Fries is right, so I'd like it if you made it snaggy, Tappy—I mean, *snappy. Taggy*.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Did you just make a joke?
* **S****aw**: That was funny, Clock!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: No, it was a slip of the tongue. Please go on.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Alright, it says here that in this challenge, you must... [*looks closer*] Do nothing. *What?*

[*Soni exspectati of confusion.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I know; I'm just as confused as you! To clarify, you have to be the best at doing nothing. It says that contestants are meant to stay in their hotel rooms for the entire duration of the competition and do as little as possible.
* **S****aw**: But when do we stop?
* **B****o****k**: Yeah, does it say how long the contest should run?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: It lasts until *they* say so. [*indicates downstairs, where Two and Five are*] And then it says... "Don't try to pull a fast one, contestants! With the help of our algebralien powers, we will be tracking every body movement you make."
* **T****r****e****e**: [*Aside, to Aresko.*] And I thought "Every Breath You Take" was creepy.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Wait, *body movements*? You mean, like...
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Yes, I think that's what they're saying.
* **Baske****t****ball**: I've got a feeling we're thinking about two different things.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Just, er, I don't know... stay in your rooms and don't do anything. It says I should be the one to go around and judge you all while you do that.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: How do you judge a "do nothing" contest?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Objectively. /j

[*Silence.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Okay! Because the writer of this flashcard—I think it's either Two or Five—is tired of saying *Tree's team* and *Winner's team*, they say they'll reward half of us, I mean, you. Whoever wins this episode's contest gets to name their team...

[*Soni exspectati of excitement.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: And the loser will be forced to follow the winning team's naming pattern and be up for elimination. So that should be interesting... And now, I'm supposed to leave you all to have fun with your unexpected lazy day, and at the end it wants me to shout the word *go* so you know when to go, so... *Go!*

## Contest

### **Tree's team room**

**Scene**The first floor, on which Coiny and Pin cleared out the strangers in the last episode. We haven't seen the hotel rooms for a long time, but one can clearly see that it's the same design (with ten beds equally spaced), just modified and modernized to match the look of the 1980s. The contestants all sit around the room, separated into small groups.
* **S****aw**: Team names, huh? You got any ideas?
* **B****o****k**: Hmm... I can check my pages.
* **Ar****esko**: Just make sure they're not stolen, right? Don't want what happened last time to happen now.
* **B****o****k**: Don't worry, I bought this information fair and square.
* **Ar****esko**: Aww...

[*Bok turns around and opens herself.*]

* **B****o****k**: Let's see... Some of the hippest names in my country are Silje, Øyvind, Bjørnar and Ragnhild.
* **S****aw**: Wow, those are... some names.
* **B****o****k**: You don't like them.
* **S****aw**: Nooooo, it's not that; they're beautiful! I mean, it's just... I can't say something as awful as what I was going to say to you when you're... y'know...
* **B****o****k**: Hey, I'm not that easy to offend!
* **S****aw**: No, you know, I mean...
* **Ar****esko**: You're so dedicated, Bok, I can't even!
* **S****aw**: Yeah, who'd have thought you'd take the same approach to naming teams as you do with a child?
* **B****o****k**: If you guys were in my place, you'd understand; it's a bit of a duty of mine. Firstly, because I'm a rather barren person, and secondly, because I've never really been in a team where I could just name myself.
* **S****aw**: Well, what about Team ?
* **Ar****esko**: Or in BFDIA, when you wanted to call yourselves *Freedom*, so you ended up being called *FreeSmart*?
* **B****o****k**: [*falls on her bed*] Ugh, mark my words, the next person who mentions FreeSmart will be a member of the *Øyvindhilds!*

[*Silence.*]

* **B****o****k**: That's what I thought.
* **Ar****esko**: Thank you for being mean to me.
* **B****o****k**: Huh?
* **Ar****esko**: My last TPOT wish has been fulfilled.
* **[** **B****o****k** · **S****aw** **]**: [*looking at each other*] O... kay.

[*Meanwhile, with* **Tree**, **Black Hole**, **Remote** *and* **Pen***.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Fact #31: Just like many of his ancestors, Gregg is grey.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Greying?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So he's older.
* **T****r****e****e**: No, he's my age, and he's totally mature. You know I value that quality in a prospective suitor.
* **P****en**: I'm mature, aren't I, gang?
* **T****r****e****e**: Sure, you and El Squeaccolo over there. [*points at Pen's toy baseball*]
* **P****en**: He's called *Il Squeakino*. We're thinking of starting a band, heheh. [*squeak squeak*]

[*Enter* **Pin** *and* **Coiny**. *Pin is holding a paper.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Whoa, Pin, the contest's to do nothing; you shouldn't be walking around.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Unless you have food.
* **P****i****n**: Uhmmm... [*looking under the paper*] No food here.
* **Co****i****ny**: If we'd known about this contest, we'd have gone to the restaurant and got you guys something to eat!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Darn.
* **P****i****n**: Anyway, I'm going around the room to make a list of team names we could have, if our team wins.
* **Co****i****ny**: Our team will win, 'cause we're so great, am I right?
* **P****en**: Whoo!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hmm... team names. May I suggest good ol' *Death PACT*?
* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **P****i****n** **]**: Meh.
* **P****i****n**: Too overrated and not all-encompassing. [*looks at nobody in particular*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Okay, how about something else.

### **Winner's team room**

**Scene**The second floor, where Clock and Golf Ball did their work. Everything said above applies down here as well. The scene begins with **Golf Ball** looking in the distance.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: You're thinking again, aren't you?
* **Golf Ball**: It's what I do best. [*realizing*] And it would be best to acknowledge that I share this talent with several others here.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yes, you do. Anyway, Golf Ball, what's the problem now? You've been looking at Puffball and Fries since we got in here!
* **Golf Ball**: It's Puffball. She has a secret and I want to know about it!
* **Puffball**: [*from the other bed*] I'm not telling you!
* **Baske****t****ball**: GB, why don't you just give it a rest? It's probably nothing serious, like an imaginary friend or a fourth eye or something.
* **Golf Ball**: Fourth eye?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Basketball's right; we've got more scientific work to carry out now.
* **Golf Ball**: Such as...
* **Baske****t****ball**: The mystery of what's eating Snowball.

[*She indicates* **Snowball***, who is sitting very still near the wall. Only his eyes move.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Oh. That is also a good idea! Someone, please toss me my clipboard!

[**Winner***, who is farthest person from the clipboard, stretches out their arm and throws it in Golf Ball's direction. She is accidentally hit in the face with it.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Ow!
* **Winner**: My bad!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Thanks, Winner!
* **Winner**: No worries, haha, haha...
* **Baske****t****ball**: I'd reach for mine, but I left it outside and we can't go anywhere on account of all the...
* **C****l****o****c****k**: *No moving!*

[*View of the whole room:* **Clock** *stands in the middle, watching closely to see if anyone from the team moves.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: To ensure a victory in this challenge, we have to hold as still as possible. Who knows how Tree's crew are handling this right now?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Tree's crew is chaos, and besides, your strategy of holding still obviously doesn't work when your hands are moving.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's just a part of who I am. I wouldn't be Clock if my hands never moved.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Sure, you'd only be right two times a day. [*Aside.*] Instead of his usual one.
* **Puffball**: Mm-hmm.

[*Golf Ball takes her eyes off Fries and Puffball and returns to her group.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Alright, then. Back to our talk. Snowball—
* **Baske****t****ball**: Has not said a word since earlier this morning.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: We expect him to speak in the next half hour or so.
* **Golf Ball**: Then someone needs to have a recording tool ready by then, and that's a light suggestion. All our writing utensils are in our drawer, but not even Winner can open it up. We will have to make do with what we have lying around for the time being.
* **Winner**: Or you could just place a quick order on a typewriter and wait for it to show up here, right?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, you *are* next to the phone.
* **Golf Ball**: No, my way is easier.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: She likes to innovate.

### **Hotel restaurant**

**Scene****Two** and **Five** are still watching footage from the news broadcast.
**Not-Donut**: [*on the television*] Recent estimates suggest that it will take several months for the Equation Playground economy to recover, but the societal impact of the events of today can be felt immediately.
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: À!

[*Two and Five put their fists in their mouths in fear.*]

**Not-Donut**: And now a view from Remainder Street.
[*Crowd sounds in the background.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Howdy, hosts. How long until the end of the contest?
* **Two**: About two minutes.

[*A melodramatic shout can be heard on TV's screen.*]

* **Five**: Maybe five!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Are you two okay?

[*Two and Five turn around with horrified expressions.*]

* **Two**: No, I, Two, am not okay!
* **Five**: We don't want to watch this!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: If you see something scary, just change the channel! I watched *Sleepover Camp* a few months ago and I can tell you, I stayed till the very end, but my watching partners were like, *nooooo!*
* **Two**: But this is important stuff!
* **Five**: An algebralien has to keep themselves informed.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: What's so bad about that?
* **Five**: See for yourself!

[*Two and Five move out of the way to show Price Tag the footage of the revolution on the screen. Their eyes get big.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I'd better go.

[**Price Tag** *runs out of the room and Two and Five shrug their shoulders at each other. They go back to watching TV's screen.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: *Aaaaaaaaaaaah!*

### **Tree's team room**

**Scene**
* **Co****i****ny**: Okay, so it's up to us to choose our team name.
* **P****i****n**: Why not ask the others for their opinion?
* **Co****i****ny**: 'Cause they were the ones doing the choosing, Pin, remember?
* **P****i****n**: Oh, duh. In that case, I propose we be called the Squishy Cherries. [*points at Pen*] Two legacy members here, am I right?
* **Co****i****ny**: Ooh, good. I'll put down the Squashy Grapes, better yet, *W.O.A.H. Bunch*, just for the hell of it.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah! You do that, boyeee.

[*Enter* **Saw** *and* **Aresko**.]

* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, guys!
* **S****aw**: Wait, what about our choices?
* **Ar****esko**: Yeah, I'd like to have some say in this; I'm supposed to be leaving soon.
* **P****i****n**: Oh. Well, what did you want to put down?
* **S****aw**: Whichever one you choose, I guess!
* **Ar****esko**: Ha!
* **S****aw**: Yeah, it's- it's really hard to make decisions!
* **Ar****esko**: This should all be up to you; I'm supposed to be leaving soon!

[*Exeunt* **Saw** *and* **Aresko**, *laughing quietly.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: You thinking what I'm thinking?
* **P****i****n**: Of course I am; we're the TPOT OTP!
* **Co****i****ny**: On the count of three...
* **P****i****n**: And you have to do it in Two's voice.
* **Co****i****ny**: 'Kay. [*imitating Two*] In two... two... three...
* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **P****i****n** **]**: *The Squishy Bunch!*

[*Beat.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: That didn't come across as cool as I wanted.
* **P****i****n**: No, it did not.

[*Meanwhile, with Tree and co.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Fact #81: Gregg's cousin's husband saved his hometown from a volcanic eruption.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wa-wa-wait a minute, you've talked loads about Gregg's family members and his favourite obscurities, but what about the man himself?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah, we don't even know his last name.
* **T****r****e****e**: His last name? It's McIntyre.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**, **P****en**, **R****e****m****ot****e**: McIntyre?
* **Co****i****ny**: That's a good team name!

[*Tree and his friends look at Coiny.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, that's the English name he informally adopted.
* **P****en**: I'll say, 'cause who with the last name McIntyre would take an English class?
* **T****r****e****e**: Someone who loves me with all his heart. And now that the cat's out of the bag, I think it's time I told you exactly how I fell in love with this guy.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Go for it.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We might have all day.
* **T****r****e****e**: True. Anyway, I usually put on some English media in our classes so I can immerse the students. Well, it just so happens that everyone was feeling a bit cheeky, so they forced me to show them the newest *TPOT*. Now these may be adults I was dealing with, but I still felt as though I had to give in. So I showed them the latest episode: TPOT 30. Big mistake.

[*Tree puts his hand on his forehead, a bit upset.*]

* **P****en**: Why?
* **T****r****e****e**: The TV exploded, Pen. /s I had to rewatch my shouting match with you! I had to go through all the terrible moments again, from that day when you made me feel like chiz, and I made you feel like chiz, and it was just a bad experience altogether. [*looks away*] I ended class that day in tears.
* **P****en**: There, there. I'm sorry you had a bad day. [*rubs Tree's back*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, whatever. [*sigh*] Everyone left early so they wouldn't have to look at this unsightly mug. [*points at himself*] Except him.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Gregg.
* **T****r****e****e**: Well... this was before he called himself that. When we first met, he was known as Gearos Machinakis.

[*Pen perks up.*]

* **P****en**: Eyyy, he's Greek, just like me!
* **T****r****e****e**: Yes, just like you. [*Aside.*] Damn it, where was I now? [*Aloud.*] Oh yes, I was at night school, snivelling at my desk like a sapling, when nice-guy Gearos came up to me and asked if I was all right.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Aww, that's sweet.
* **T****r****e****e**: I told him that this was a breach of my own protocol; a teacher can't just share his personal life with his students. But... eventually, I let go of my inhibitions and about forty minutes later, I finally had the courage to walk out of the room in good spirits.
* **P****en**: Gosh, in the span of forty minutes, what did you guys do?
* **T****r****e****e**: Belt out Xenon Warwick songs. /s What did you think we did? We did what you think you do best!

[*Silence as Pen realizes what Tree is implying. He smiles devilishly and stifles a laugh.*]

* **P****en**: Tsst. Attaboy, Tree! [*elbows him*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We're just glad you are happy.
* **T****r****e****e**: Aeh, I just needed someone to lift me up when I was feeling down. I reckon everyone does. Even you, Pen.
* **P****en**: One day.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So true.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Not me; I'm fine being alone.

[*Beat. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hooray, company. [*accidentally sucks the door up*] Whoops.

[*We see that on the other side of what used to be the door is* **Price Tag**, *who looks like they've got a bit of the nerves.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: H- hi, everyone.
* **Li****y**: Taggy, what's up? You're looking a little apprehensive.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Me, apprehensive? Ha-ha, I don't know the meaning of *apprehensive*.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Apprehensive: an adjective that means being worried about the future.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Ha, ha, you're a funny sheila, ever think of joining that musical with Barbra Strei-sandcastle? [*Beat.*] Okay, um, yeah, you have about five minutes... maybe two minutes. Bloody oath, yea-forsooth... cheerio!

[**Price Tag** *waves goodbye quickly and climbs the stairs to speak with the other team.*]

* **Ar****esko**: This is exactly what happens when you learn slang from a book.

### **Winner's team room**

**Scene**The contestants are mostly in the same position that they were in in the previous scene. **Golf Ball** is working on a new invention out of the metallic material she has around her area.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Good. We are all doing a good job.

[*Enter* **Price Tag**.]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Hey, Taggy.
* **Winner**: What goes on?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Hi, still life, you've got two... I mean, no... *one* minute, but I'm assuming that you won't be let out yet until Two or... oh, Two... or Five show up. Yeah. That's right. Okay, bye!

[**Price Tag** *runs downstairs.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Taggy's acting a little strange.
* **Winner**: Why'd they freeze up when they mentioned Two and Five?
* **Baske****t****ball**: I don't know. I bet it has something to do with them.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: The only thing Two and Five are guilty of is putting the moderation in the hands of someone who desperately needs an assistant.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, I kind of feel guilty that none of us offered to step up to the court.
* **Winner**: I think Taggy's feeling apprehensive. I'd better go downstairs.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: But Winner, we'll lose our place!
* **Winner**: Camaraderie prevails over victory. [*Clock pogs.*] I can say that because my name's got *win* in it.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: But... the challenge!
* **Winner**: I'm sorry, but I've got to do what I've got to do.

[*Exit* **Winner** *heroically.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Can you believe them?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Now, Clock, I think that maybe it's for a good—
* **Golf Ball**: Done!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: No way, you finished?
* **Golf Ball**: Yes! Everyone, meet my latest invention: the Bionic Blight Staft.

[*Golf Ball shows everyone her newest creation: a pencil made out of scrap material. In hindsight, it looks like an Apple pencil.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Your what?
* **Golf Ball**: I believe that's German for p... for pe—
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Ohhhh, you must be talking about *Bleistift*.
* **Baske****t****ball**: What's that?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: That's how you say *pencil*.
* **Golf Ball**: Eugh! And what a terrible name it is! I never want to hear the name of that incorrigible creature ever agai—
* **Sn****owba****ll**: ***BUMPLUM!***

[*Everyone in the room gasps.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: GB, get your pencil ready.
* **Golf Ball**: Ò! [*Aside.*] You're lucky we're life partners.

## End of the contest

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**With Winner out of their hotel room, the contest is basically over. **Price Tag** returns downstairs to the hotel lobby. They see **Two** and **Five** drinking apple juice at the hotel restaurant as TV's screen shows a typical Equation Playground commercial break.
**Not-Donut**: This broadcast was brought to you by Number Glue! The only glue to suit your numeric membranes... apparently.
### **Hotel restaurant**

**Scene**Enter **Price Tag**.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Um... hey, hosts. I think it's time for the end of the contest now.
* **Two**: I know.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: By any chance, do you know which team lost?
* **Two**: I don't know.
* **Five**: It's Winner's team.
* **Two**: Omg, you don't have to show off! I know very well that their team lost this episode's challenge.
* **Five**: Me too, but that's because I was barely paying attention to the news broadcast.
* **Two**: Really? What were you doing in the meantime?
* **Five**: Someone had to supervise the competition. And I can tell you with much certainty that the losing team was indeed the one with...

[*Enter* **Winner**, *who notices Price Tag and the hosts.*]

* **Five**: Winner!
* **Winner**: Hello, all! Taggy, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh. I'm alright. Yes. Totally. One hundred per... cent.
* **Winner**: Okay, just checking.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Our team lost too.
* **Winner**: Got it.

[*Winner is about to go up but stops, sensing something is wrong.*]

* **Winner**: Do you want me to host for you?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Can you?
* **Winner**: Sure.

[*Winner runs up the stairs.*]

## Post-contest

### **Outside**

**Scene**Fade to this scene. Winner has gathered all the contestants outside.
* **Winner**: I have bad news for the people in my team. We've lost.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I knew it.
* **Winner**: If I could tell you something, Clock, it's that it was for a good cause.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Death prevention?
* **Winner**: No, actually, it was about the power of friendship. See, I believe that a friendly spirit will take a person far in the competition because they'll be sure to—
* **Li****y**: When can we choose our team name?
* **Winner**: Oh yeah, you can do that right now. What has your team decided on?

[*The members of Tree's team look at* **Coiny** *and* **Pin**.]

* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **P****i****n** **]**: ***The Squishy Bunch!***

[*Team jingle. Very old-fashioned for the time period.*]

* **Winner**: Okay, you are all The Squishy Bunch.
* **Co****i****ny**: That's a good name, isn't it, team?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It would be, if it weren't so inaccurate. Black holes don't tend to be very squishy.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: True that.
* **Ar****esko**: And have you tried to squish a fly swatter?
* **B****o****k**: I thought you were a rubber spatula.
* **Ar****esko**: Oh yeah, I guess I'm that too.
* **Winner**: Now, the people in my team have to come up with something that's similar and harmonious to that.
* **Baske****t****ball**: *Harmonious*, where did that word come from?
* **Winner**: It's what Two and Five would have wanted.
* **Golf Ball**: Since Snowball is not the master of words, we will not be consulting him for advice.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Even though he is dressed as a cardinal—why are you even doing that anyway? It's starting to bug me a bit.

[*Snowball gives Basketball the side-eye.*]

* **Golf Ball**: [*matter-of-factly*] If we want a name that is harmonious with *The Squishy Bunch*, our team must be the Namely Ties.

[*Most people gasp: Golf Ball has not suggested a team name so confidently before.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Really? I thought you never wanted to be on a team with the word *name* in it.
* **Golf Ball**: If this is the last team I'm on in the competition, I would like to at least satirize the team-naming process, because an ace comedian *can* make it in this world!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Yes, yes, she can.
* **Winner**: Namely Ties, eh?
* **Puffball**: That's a good team name!

[*Team jingle. Sounds very sitcom-like.*]

* **Chorus**: ***Namely Ties!***
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Eh, I've heard worse.
* **Winner**: Oh yeah, and we're also up for elimination.

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **Winner**: Sorry for that, heh.

### **Voting screen**

**Scene****Winner** stands in front of a screen that shows the people up for voting.
* **Winner**: Vote for who you think should be saved! The person with the fewest votes will be eliminated; yes, they will be eliminated indeed. [*looks off*] And they can't hear me. Oh well!

[*Roll credits.*]

## Stinger

### **Hotel restaurant**

**Scene**Several contestants are seen having dinner at the restaurant as **Two** and **Five** watch more footage of the ongoing revolution (at night!). Meanwhile, **Price Tag** sits at a table alone and **Winner** notices as they enter.
* **Winner**: Hey.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Hullo.
* **Winner**: You alright?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Why do you keep asking that?
* **Winner**: Well, you've been looking a bit apprehensive since the contest.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh... Well, it's just something that I saw. [*looks at Two and Five*] And something some people are still seeing.
* **Winner**: Some people, who?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Our hosts! Look at 'em!
* **Winner**: Do you want to go and talk to them? I mean, you don't have to, considering how volatile they can be personality-wise, but...
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I don't know. Maybe I should.
* **Winner**: Yeah, go for it! I'll be with you the whole time.

[*Meanwhile, with* **Two** *and* **Five**.]

* **Two**: Victory!
* **Five**: No, it's a loss! The 128th one this hour!
* **Two**: Well, it looks like we were going to win for about three seconds, and that's what's important.

[*Enter* **Price Tag** *and* **Winner**.]

* **Two**: Hey, you two! How are my favourite episode 1 newbies doing?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: We're your *only* episode 1 newbies!
* **Winner**: Yeah, we're not doing so great. Taggy's apprehensive.
* **Five**: You know, an episode of hosting does that to you.
* **Two**: Imagine being us, we have to do this all the time!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: It's not that. You guys were watching something on the TV that really made me... me apprehensive.
* **Two**: I know exactly how you feel.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: You do?
* **Two**: Well, yeah! Just look! We've been apprehensive since the day this television set started playing this.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: That's nice to know. But wait... why are you apprehensive?
* **Two**: Just look.
* **Five**: And don't say *apprehensive*, I've heard that word too many times today.
* **Two**: Sst!

**Not-Donut**: And now for our interviews on the street.
[*Notdon holds a microphone up to various EP Objects (currently the most appropriate term for objects living on the Equation Playground).*]
**Not-Donut**: The Equation Playground wants to know: Why are you protesting, madam?
**Fl****ow****er**: The way objects are treated here is terrible. Four acted like that when I was on BFB, but he's improved so much! Why can't the rest of the numbers on this planet be as good as him?
**Car Rim Plush**: The plight of the animate inanimate must be heard!
**Teardrop**: [*with her text-to-speech voice*] I'm protesting for non-discriminatory pay. Three years here and I'm still a driver!
**Ch****ak****ra**: I want total equality between everyone.
**Gela****tin**: I wanted to be on TV.
[*Two and Five have realistic tears coming out of their eyes, like on Gumball. Meanwhile, Winner and Price Tag sit shocked.*]

* **Two**: Isn't this terrible?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wow. This changes everything. All this time I thought they wanted to start a war or something... but they're just fighting for what they think is right. Object rights!
* **Winner**: This must be a strange day for you two.
* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: It *is!*
* **Winner**: Does this mean you'll be nice to us contestants from now on?
* **Two**: Hmm... nope!
* **[** **P****ri****c****e Tag** · **Winner** **]**: Figures.

[*Price Tag and Winner go back to their table, talking with each other.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: It's like teaching a giraffe to lie down...

### **Back of the kitchen**

**Scene****Fries**, **Puffball** and **Aresko** are behind the window where the contestants get their food. The robotic cooks are in the background.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: What's next, you'll televise it in front of billions?
* **Puffball**: That's how prize fights work, I think. Normally, they just go to a casino in some town no one's ever heard of and show it on a channel you have to pay for, but this is good too.

[*Enter* **Donut**, *whistling.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Donut, where the hell were you?
* **Puffball**: Yeah, you missed the whole challenge!
* **Donut**: I was cleaning the kitchen. Two sentenced me to it after I was accused of bringing a Polish puff pepper to dinner last night.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: That's what you get for causing whatever chaos is out there.
* **Donut**: Not my doing, Fries! Anyway, what are you guys doing here? Aren't you supposed to be having dinner?
* **Puffball**: We're supposed to be eliminated, so Aresko challenged me to an exhibition fight.
* **Ar****esko**: [*faux-coolly*] We're working out the 'tails.
* **Puffball**: Don't talk like that.
* **Ar****esko**: Okay.
* **Donut**: Well, I'm hungry. Talk to you later.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Meh.

[*Exit* **Donut**, *nonchalantly.*]

* **Puffball**: A hundred days?
* **Ar****esko**: Bring it.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: [*rolling his eyes*] This can't be real.

**THE END**
## Deleted scenes

* Instead of saying "LONI LAMECIDERE!", Snowball was going to go "LOLI NACEMIREDE!" That means Tennis Ball's reference to Loni Anderson would have to be deleted.
* The martinis Remote were asking for were replaced by "suh-moothies". I'm not prepared for that much mature content yet, nope.
* The weird overacting I've been giving Pen ought to be stopped—it's adding to his line analysis so that it looks like he's the main character (NOT YET!). Thus, this line had to be taken out (after Fries says, "If this were an actual hotel, we'd all be a fire hazard."):

**P****en**: Yeah, I mean, look at me, I'm blazin' here!
**T****r****e****e**: ~~You're as toey as a Roman sandal right now, aren't you?~~ You really like to ruin the moment, don't you?

* Pen was going to say that *Eraser* fell in love with the Parthenon, not him. He also was going to make the episode's second Cher reference, but alas, it was deleted:

**P****en**: His real name's not "McIntyre"?
**T****r****e****e**: No.
**P****en**: So is he one of those people who go by their first names? Gosh, I can tell ya, when Dad told Eraser and I we could change our last name, I wanted to just be 🅱️en. Y'know, the way the cool people do it. Like Chair, or these days, Batty-ato and Mud-ona, heheh.
**T****r****e****e**: Okay, can you quit rambling? I'm trying to tell a story, ya wordmill. [*Aside.*] Heh, I like that word.

* After Coiny and Pin say "The Squishy Bunch!" at the same time:

**[** **Co****i****ny** · **P****i****n** **]**: Jinx! You owe me a strawberry *sinh tố!*
**P****i****n**: Strawberry *Shinto?*
**Co****i****ny**: Aeh, I tried.

* Golf Ball was originally going to name her team "The Names of Life" (after *The Facts of Life*) or some name-related pun on *Happy Days* instead of the final name, "Namely Ties" (after *Family Ties*).
* The episode was going to end in an EXIT scene, in which Pencil comments on Tree calling Pen "toey" and emphatically wants to know what that word means in Australian. I decided to move it to the next one (with slightly modified dialogue).

## Notes

1. ↑ Nor do all languages: I can't find one instance of an alphabet that uses "U̇".
2. ↑ I don't know why I chose this song. It seemed Robot Flower-y at the time.
3. ↑ He said it! Cary said an inflectionally similar word in his video! [*NSFW for swearing a bit more intensely than I do.*]
4. ↑ Headcanon: Many of the non-binary objects on the show also identify as genderqueer, as they are a minority in a binary society (that's painfully obvious with the way people recommend characters). The algebraliens can be *perceived* as being non-binary as their existence as genderless beings smashes the idea of gender to bits, but they are not genderqueer because on the Equation Playground (the algebraliens' homeland), genderlessness is the norm; it is not queer for a number not to have a gender because that's simply how it is in their culture.
5. ↑ Source: Statistics Norway.
6. ↑ I love this line! It's just so out of place in the script, but when you see it, that's when you know I'm both well-meaning and currently out of my head.

**Fake TPOT** [V]