Season Three Episode Nine: Big Hats

Nate had to be evacuated from his home and almost DIED! And the Nants are NOT extinct. Could a Clayne Cast run Mini Cooper dealership be coming to Santa Barbara? Also, the boys are getting on board with NOGGIN BOSS. Plus, the boys finally introduce their long time friend, a magical man named Blue!

## Episode Summary

Grundy in a Gucci wrapped Mini Cooper? A Donkey Selling Cars? Giant articles of clothing? This episode has it all, and more!

Nate almost got swept away in the floods recently happening in his area (click here for his address). Luckily the floodings also lead to a wet hot Nant genocide! It looks like they won't be bothering his estate anytime soon, but some of them may have survived and they're definitely plotting their revenge.

A lot of business ideas discussed in this one, such as Noggin Bosses (oversized baseball caps) becoming the next sponsor of the Pod, and a very special car dealership in sunny California.

Nate's big bro Ben is marrying Melonie Mac. Congrats! We hope hundreds of her followers don’t descend upon the small town where he lives to try and assassinate him.

With the end of season 3 looming on the horizon, the boys discuss potential next shows but don't settle on one. The only certainty is that it will have to be a show Keith reviewed.

A great episode of ClayneCast and a not terrible episode of lethal.

### Father-Son-Updates

Drews boy is doing exactly the same as always, which means he's not doing great. Nate left his son behind when they got evacuated in the hopes he would drown and perish, but somehow BF survived and continues to torment his papa. Tom's son had his birthday, happy birthday T!

### Watch-a-long

Click here (Patreon Exclusive) (Includes another great appearance by **Duck!**)

### Episode Recap

Ho Ho Ho, it's the Christmas episode! The show may have a new star, but he's got the same holiday trauma. We learn more about Coles backstory and his tough childhood traveling around the world. Murtaughs domestic plot involves his son RJ's return home from barista school in Costa Rica, which leads to friction between the two Rogers. The crime of the week involves a robbery gone wrong and a merry heist. The show continues the trend of having a strong Christmas episode, however this one was without a doubt the weakest of the three.

Hosts Episode Rating
 Drew
 Nate

**Rated TV-14** fear, gore, language, substances, violence

“Santa’s got a gun!”
-      Man

Starts with a flashback to Nitra, Slovakia, where a young Cole gets beat up for being a foreigner. His mom stitches up his bloody wounds and consoles him, they’ve already moved so much in the recent past and he's always the new kid. She wants to do their special Christmas tradition of taking a picture in front of the tree.
Suddenly, we’re in the present and Cole is taking a picture of Maya, his daughter. She doesn’t want to spend Christmas with Andrew, the guy marrying her mom. Another kid shows up and they go for a swim in the motel pool.
Cole and the kids dad, Oscar, are talking near the pool and we find out he’s a parolee. Then a shady lookin tattooed guy pulls up and Oscar says he has to go over to him because it’s a work thing. Cole observes them concerned but nothing happens.

We get a MMM and WOOO RJ is back. Oh boy! Well, he’s back on a video call - he’s in Costa Rica learning to become a barista, remember? He says he's coming home soon and Murtaugh hangs up instead of giving Trish the phone. He basically says none of what she or Riana (his daughter) want matter because RJ is coming home soon and they’re gonna throw him a BIG coming home party! On Christmas eve of all days.

Finally we get to the crime of the week. A couple get woken up in the middle of the night by noise downstairs, but when the husband suggests calling the cops, the wife says no way and pulls out a shotgun from under the bed. It was supposed to be his Christmas present so she quickly unwraps it and says he's getting his gift early. Downstairs, they encounter two masked burglars and she blasts one guy on the spot, sending him flying into the Christmas tree. Bloodthirsty! The other guy gets away.

Next day, Scorsese is taking close ups of the dead body like the freak he is, while Roger and Cole question the couple. But more importantly, Rog scolds Cole for not RSVPing to RJ's party. But then Cole spots a tattoo on the victims neck and recognizes him as the very same guy his friend was talking to back at the motel!

Avery wants Cole to confront Oscar but he deflects by suggesting Avery may be in a cranky mood because his Christmas party plans with his boyfriend Todd went south. So he's at the office instead of in a romantic getaway in Wyoming.

In the Morgue downstairs, Bailey and the Gute burst through the door and plop a duffel bag full of chopped up body parts on a slab. No gloves. Scorsese then invites them to pre-game for Murtaughs party at a Kombucha place, to which the Gute agrees much to Sonyas surprise.

Roger and Cole show up to the Motel to check out Oscars room, but suddenly Oscar shows up in his car and panics when he sees Murtaugh. The situation escalates, and just as Oscar speeds towards Cole who’s nowvblocking his path, a School Bus pulls up and Maya and Sam get out. Murtaugh has his gun drawn, but Oscar swerves at the last minute, crashing in to Coles apartment. This still counts for the trope of using a vehicle as a weapon, even if he decided to not hit Cole. Anyway, Roger arrests him, and his son sees the whole thing.

A deeply disappointed Cole interrogates Oscar at the station. He claims Lewis, the dead guy who got turned into a bloody christmas ornament, did indeed offer him the Job but he declined! He says Cole should trust him and that he’s not the guy they’re looking for. Just then Murtaugh says he’s *exactly* the guy they’re looking for and they should just charge him so they can go home! Avery disagrees and says he never wants to go home again. Anyway they don’t kick him loose.

Cole takes Maya and Sam (Oscars boy) to lunch, where they show him a sketch of an alleged third suspect whom they saw in the victims car when they when to get snacks. She’s adamant Cole pursue this lead but when we see the sketch – IT’S SANTA!

They zip over to the Murtaughs place, where Rogers stunt double is chopping vegetables, and Brooks (Avery) is pouring his heart out to Trish - who’s pouring the both of them a very full glass of wine. Cole shows Murtaugh the “lead” he got from the kids and says he’s combed through a bunch of mugshots to find a suspect that looks suspiciously a lot like the kids sketch, including a distinct birth mark on the forehead.

Against Rogers will, they leave the party prep and drive to an abandoned cabin where this suspect lives. They can’t get the door open so they climb onto the roof and Cole jumps through the chimney with ease, but when Roger follows, he gets stuck! Cole investigates the fridge and finds it completely empty except for a single human thumb in a Ziploc baggy. When he goes to tell Murtaugh, the bearded suspect jumps out behind him and they start a fight.
Suddenly, a second guy shows up with a motherfucking chainsaw. Cole fights them both off and eventually they escape through the front door. Another fight scene where Murtaugh is unable to join and Cole does all the work.

Then they zip back over to the Murtaugh Mansion, where by now there’s a huge party in full swing. Maya promised Sam Cole would get George out of Jail. We know who all these people are, right? Cole is sad he messed up but Trish consoles him.

In the kitchen we've all come to know and love from the MMM, Sonya observes Scorsese and the Gute getting along a little too well, and asks Avery what is wrong with them. Avery then waxes philosophical about love and life, once again making a case for a spinoff with Avery & Bailey.

Suddenly, Roger gets a call from RJ – he missed his flight! Roger gets super pissed off and berates him repeatedly until eventually he hangs up. Trish scolds Roger and dramatically tells him RJ won’t come home if he doesn’t give him a reason to come home.

Cole goes to the Motel, where the Car is still lodged inside his room. Inside he finds the picture his mother took of him in the start of the episode, and we get another flashback. It’s now a year later, and young Cole has become friends with Tomas, the boy who beat him up before, and is going to his house for Christmas dinner.
When he goes to tell this to his mom, she says that they’re moving to Indonesia, because she’s a journalist or something, and has to cover a revolution. This might hint at Coles mom being a CIA agent, as being a photojournalist traveling to foreign countries was his cover as a CIA agent. Oh and they leave tonight so no Christmas with his friends. Cole is sad because he’ll be in a totally strange place again with no friends, boo hoo!

Back in the present, Roger leaves RJ a nasty voicemail and quickly regrets it. He asks Bailey how to delete a voicemail, but she reminds him he is a homicide detective and walks him into the Morgue. They’ve pieced together the body from the park and found it complete except for the left thumb!

Cole slept on the couch in Avery’s office, which upsets Avery. He tells him the 3 victims all used the same parking garage on **Prospect Street**. Suddenly there are other victims involved. Anyway, before he can smack Cole upside the head, Bailey comes in saying they’ve identified the body as Dan Underwood, who managed some currency exchange on *dun dun dunnn* Prospect street!

They deduce the two maniacs they fought in the cabin wanna rob this exchange. On Christmas day.

Right on time, the two bad guys show up in broad daylight carrying huge duffel bags, on the street where a big parade with a bunch of people (witnesses) is currently underway. At the same time, Maya and Sam show up! These children just came to this parade in LA on their own.

Inside the exchange, the bad guys use Underwood’s thumb to open the safe. So *that’s* what they needed it for! Roger and Cole show up just in time to see the robbers leave, disguised as two Santa Causes!  A chase ensues.
Roger squeaks “I’ll get that one!” and chases the younger Santa, then Cole bumps into Maya and Sam and is surprised to see her. Suddenly the older Santa realizes Sam is with them and kidnaps him. This poor kid.

Meanwhile, Roger chased the younger Santa into a nativity scene or something and they begin fighting, much to the onlookers horror. Suddenly Santa pulls out a gun but Roger eventually kicks his ass through a window and handcuffs him. When the snow settles he tells the distraught kids who watched it all “he started it!”.

Cole chases the other guy into an alley, where he has Sam at gunpoint. The kidnapper Santa tells Cole to kneel, which he does. Cole tells Sam to think of a nice happy place, with his dad, which slightly distracts Santa so Cole whips out a gun and shoots him. They leave the scene of the crime.

At the Station, Avery tells Cole he made a call to the DA and all charges against Oscar, his friend and Sam’s dad, have been dropped! We love corruption.

In the morgue downstairs, Scorsese gives the Gute the thumb from the crime as a gift. Bailey also is there and ridicules them once more but the Gute insinuates Scorsese has a major crush on Bailey! Sonya almost kisses Scorsese but thankfully sees reason and leaves before anything happens. Phew!

At the Murtaugh Mansion, Roger complains about RJ again. Just then, the prodigal son himself returns! Everyone is overjoyed but RJ spoils the mood by telling them he wants to invest in timeshares.

Cole and Maya are at the Motel again, and he has another flashback to his childhood. His mom says the stars are their Christmas lights, and they take them wherever they go. Hope he can think of that when the kids in Indonesia are kicking his ass.

Finally, Cole and Maya show up to Murtaughs place, and they all have a nice dinner together. Riana is even wearing a cool Costa Rica T-Shirt RJ got her. The only one missing is HARPER THEIR INFANT DAUGHTER! Where’s tha baby????
The end.

## Notable Quotes

### Drew the Ideas Man

* "Pushin' P!"
* "You gotta flip it and fuck it Nate. Flip it and fuck it!"
* “Is Costa Rica well known for its shirts?”
* “Lot of great ideas today.”

### Tip Top Tom

* “You da man Nate, raise da roof!“
* "Wrestling, it's real! It's so real to me! And it's leftist, so I love it even more!"
* "I love you D, but you're back-of-house."

### Nate

* "Free if you buy it.”
* “Sometimes I think the 25th is Christmas eve.”
* “I don’t do cartoons.”

### JD

* “You know I, I rode a mini cooper...every day on the set to puffins."
* "Uhh...down in Serbia...”
* “Puffins was uhhh..very inspirational for me...I..(inaudible wine-drunk mumbling)”

## The Leftist Angle

You can be interested in American politics just because of the music. But remember not to meddle.

Also, wrestling is leftist. We (or Tom) will give you that tidbit, no meddling required!

## CCEUpdates/AMPDates

CCE is definitely not some sort of shadow corporation for hitRecordJoe.

### CCPMCSB -ClayneCast Presents Mini Cooper of Santa Barbara

After the recent floods in California, our hosts realized they could capitalize on the many Mini Coopers found floating in the wreckage. They will gather them up and restore them, slap a bangin' Gucci vinyl wrap on it and open up a very exclusive used car dealership in Santa Barbara, California.

These Mini Coopers will also be the main form of transportation used in JP:SB, the same way the (far inferior) Jeeps were in the Jurassic Park.

As this undertaking will require lots of manpower, our hosts each get to choose a salesperson to help with the work. Some names put forward in this draft include:

**Nate:** Johnny Depp

**Tom:** DP (Drew Powell aka Grundy), Phelan

**Drew:** ~~Paul Rudd~~, ~~Ross Patterson~~, ~~Snackpack~~, ~~The 1000 lbs Man~~, ~~John Cena~~, Blue the dream eater

The dealership features a luxurious "sleeping room", where customers can have a nap and relax a bit. While they do so, Blue will invade their dreams and manipulate them so they become inclined to buy the cars. In another room, Dad offers Sunday service. Amen!

The location also serves as a *The Wing* type of workspace but for guys, as the Mini Cooper is the definitive car of the modern Alpha Male.

### CCCFMCD - ClayneCast Clothes For Mini Cooper Drivers

An exclusive clothing line for drivers of Mini Coopers. Designed by Dad, with some collabs by DeadMau5.

## Get to know your Host(s)

Tom is amen(d)able\* to ideas.

Nate claims to be 40, but may actually be a 5-year-old who has to go to his basketball lessons after recording this episode.

Drew is the rat who leaks all the CCE ideas to JGL and gives all the money to JD.

\*Tom and Drew can say all they want about the size of Nate's winky. But it is an indisputable fact: he puts the 'd' in amenable

## Trivia

The Cover art features Blue. Blue is a blue man emoji that represents a guy who can eat and possibly manipulate dreams. Luckily, he only shows up in the hosts' group DM. He has a friend called Locust who is very much hated. In the art, Blue is wearing a Noggin Boss with the CCAP Logo on it.

Donkeys can climb up and down the Grand Canyon.

You can't loop anywhere but MVSC.

## Freaky Figures

At 32:50, Nate goes to get a drink and blames his wife for this because she didn’t serve him his Kombucha. This ties into the lethal weapon episode in which Scorsese invites the Gute to come pre-game for Murtaughs Christmas party at a Kombucha place he knows.

There are 15 episodes total in Season 3, 6 episodes left as of this episode.

## Clayne-foreCasting

Season 4 will feature an episode sponsored by Noggin Boss and every character will be wearing a Noggin Boss. Promotional consideration also provided by CCPMCSB.

Phetru will make a miniature version of Anderson Cooper, thus creating a Mini Cooper.

Tom and Drew will sell advertising space on the sides of their big swingin D’s. Tom has hinted at his first client being BuzzBallz.

The first ClayneCast merch will be a Noggin Boss with the CCAP Logo on it.