TalesOfJohn

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## The Tale of Dead Body John (29/06/2020)

> *Once upon a time in Western Australia, a police academy built a fake town with fake crimes. Essentially, John was hired as a fake criminal to train the next generation of police.*
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> *"Hey, you've copped it sweet" -- "You've got an easy day" says the Sargent assigning all the work, gives him an electrical cable in the shape of a noose. "You've hung yourself. You're a corpse all day."*
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> *"Well this is how my father died."*
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> *Awkward pause.*
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> *Sargent Sniff has created a HR incident.*
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> *Our guy goes "Oh..."*
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> He *looks at schedule.*
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> *"Could you do it anyway?"*
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> So they go *to a big big house.*
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> *Actress there. Lovely broad strong lady powerful shoulders.*
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> *Told the scenario is he's a corpse, he's killed himself, lays face-down in the house.*
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> *Police trainees see big actress, she goes "Gasp, my friend died, I can't find him, he won't answer the door!"*
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> *They answer the door, find John, deal with the situation*
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> *Goal is to show up, one person opens the door, leaves the other person with the friend, calls for backup -- thats it if done successfully."*
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> *All day, everything is fine until one group (bearing in mind he's been laid there all day, contemplating "yep, I am currently the corpse of my father, I am being paid to be the corpse of my father") --they decide with the last bunch if they fuck up to have some fun with them.*
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> *Two small female trainees show up and they fuck it up. It is an absoloute masterclass in not how to do it.*
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> *"My friend died, I can't get in!"*
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> "*They BOTH go outside. Grieving distraught friend outside. Go to corpse. Sargent standing there with clipboard."*
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> "*Head up, head down from his clipboard... "what's wrong with him?"--"*
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> *"... ... That man is dead."*
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> *One of them reaches down, takes pulse.*
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> *"No he isn't."*
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> *At which point we have "the actor is unable to stop his heart beating" and the other trainee goes "awwhh..."*
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> *"What?"*
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> *"If he's dead, do we have to strip him?"*
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> *John can hear eyebrows going into space, into fucking ORBIT -- a creek as he looks over.*
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> *"Who... Ever told you that you would strip a dead body at a crime scene?"*
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> *The contemplation going through this man's mind, as if he's training the next generation of necrophiles.*
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> *"Who told you that would do this?"*
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> *"The boys in forensics."*
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> *The actress outside is meant to be receiving care from someone who's left with her, but they both came in... And they didn't lock the door -- so she opened the door and she saw John being the corpse dead.*
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> *Well I've just seen the corpse of my best friend she thinks and screamed*
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> *"JOHN! NO!"*
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> ...*and hit them both into the corridor, landed on John screaming "no no no!" and proceeded to dry-hump him*
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> Meanwhile John's thinking:
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> *"Well, this is **not** how my father died"*
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> *"And that's the story of the story of how I became a dead body, unbecame my father, and never fucking worked there again."*
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