Don't Cry Over Spilled Blilk 2: Blilklectric Blilkaloo (feat. Smash Mouth)

# M.E.G. Incident Report 327, Level 11

On July 26th, an unmarked white van was seen inexplicably driving through the streets of Level 11. Curious about this event, crowds followed the white van until it reached the Theater District, where the van stopped, and four men got out. The men refused to acknowledge any questions or attempts at conversation from the crowd but were quickly recognized as American rock band, "Smash Mouth". After setting up their instruments, they played a 17-hour rendition of the song, "All Star", before they were approached by a person with long blond hair and a black leather jacket, suspected to be Person of Interest, Tom Von Haderach, and suddenly disappeared into thin air along with much of the crowd. Their current location is unknown.

"Have you seen this, Blanche?" Tom holds up an issue of the *Eleven Eagle*. "Smash Mouth is live in Level 11, and they've been performing All Star for almost 17 hours now! Sounds rad as h— help!"

"Smashing a mouth?" Blanche replies. "That sounds rather gruesome. Is this one of your loud metal bands, dear?"

"Nah, they're um. They… You know Shrek? They did that 'hey now, you're an all-star' song from Shrek."

"I love Shrek!" Blanche flits over to the bookshelf to grab her copy of the eponymous 2010 Shrek graphic novel.

"Yeah, it'll be great. Say… wouldn't it be cool if we could invite them up here, and some people from eleven too, and we could all have a party!"

"I'm not sure about that, dear…"

"Please? The last party turned out great!"

"Well alright, dear, but be careful."

"Awesome! Let me just pop over to eleven, and I'll be back with the band!"

A being of pure hate emerges from her former glass prison, powered by the stink of death and the tears of a sad, sad leech who had just slithered away lachrymosely.

A maniacal laugh echoes around the level, and the Blanche-shaped milky mass begins speaking in a stereotypical evil-villain intonation. "Yes! Yes! Now that I am finally free from that eternity-prison, I can find and defeat that terrible Blanche, once and for all, and claim my rightful place as the true Backrooms mom!" Blilk releases another evil cackle. "Now, I just need to find her…"

"Hello gentlema'am. Would you, perchanshe be intereshted in my waresh."

Blilk looks down to see that the behatted leech had returned, not one to miss out on a sale. "No. Now get out of my sight before I disembowel you," Blilk says evilly.

"Are you shure?", Leeon replies, appearing to almost be back on the verge of tears.

Blilk thinks for a second. "Actually, I could use this." A villainous smirk. "Do you have anything with Blanche's signature on it?"

"Let me shee…" Leeon opens his suitcase to reveal a piece of "meat", a proof of the Riemann Hypothesis, Overseer Stretch, a full-size replica of the Taj Mahal, and yes, a copy of *Field Guide to Chicks of the United States* by Joe Bovino, signed by Blanche.

"Perfect." Another evil laugh. Blilk reaches for the book.

"That will be three ounshes of juishe!"

"Right… Payment…" Blilk says as she begins inhaling the gas spewing from Leeon's top hat. Blilk falls over, unconscious.

"Juishe…" Leeon begins slurping up Blilk's innards but quickly spits out a mouthful of milk. "Thish ishn't juishe!"

*"Hey now, you're an all-star! Get your game on! Go play!"*

*"Hey now, you're a rock star! Get the show on! Get paid!"*

*"And all that glitters is gold!"*

*"Only shooting stars break the mo-o-old!"*

The crowd sings along in the halls of Level 906.

"I must say, dear, this has turned out rather well!"

"Yeah, of course! Smash Mouth rules!", Tom replies. "I can't believe they've been playing All Star for 22 hours now, and they're still coming up with new verses. Like, that verse about Ben Carson's 2016 US Presidential campaign with the hurdy-gurdy solo after it… Absolutely radical!"

"I don't think anything could ruin such a splendid party." A nefarious cackle can be heard in the distance. "Did you hear that, dear?"

"Huh? Sorry, it's hard to hear you over Smash Mouth."

"Oh, don't worry, dear. It was probably only the wind."

A vile white liquid starts seeping up from the floorboards, and a disembodied voice begins to speak. "Ironic. You claim to be a librarian, and yet, you allow these *musicians* to play loud music in your library! Haven't you ever heard of the rule of 'no talking in the library'? This is further evidence that I, Blilk, should be the true Blanche, and not *you*!"

"Oh, not again. Tom, dear, do you happen to have a cup?"

Blilk begins forming into a more Blanche-shaped form. "Oh no, you're not going to get me with that one, Blanche. Not again." She pauses. "No. I will defeat you and take my rightful place as Backrooms mom."

Blanche sighs. "Let's talk it out, dear. I know you're angry at me for being Backrooms mom, but I didn't try to become Backrooms mom. I just became it by being very motherly. I guess I just caught lightning in a bottle, so to speak."

"Oh no. Don't try your 'talking it out' with me. We both know that that's bullcat."

"Language, dear."

"Oh fudge you."

"Watch the swearing, dear, or I'm going to have to start censoring you."

"You know what, Blanche, you can take your fudging language—" Blanche snaps her fingers. "—and shove it up your [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] and then [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] with a [BEEP] [BEEP]. I should be [BEEP]ing Backrooms mom, but no. Nobody [BEEP]ing wants me. Did you know they had a poll in the Blanchrooms about which Blanche was best mom? You won, obviously, like you always [BEEP]ing do, but do you know what the most outrageous, villain-arc-inducing part was? I was ranked lower than [BEEP]ing *Susche*. The [BEEP]ing amogus Blanche. I am literally mother-[BEEP]ing mom juice. How does nobody get that?" Blilk pauses. "Wait a minute. You actually did it. You've fallen right into my trap…"

Blilk oozes over to the stage, grabs the microphone from Steve Harwell, and screams the fudge word into it as loud as she can. This overloads Blanche's censoring powers and unleashes an impossibly loud censor beep, releasing a sonic shockwave from the Smash Mouth amps.

Most of the crowd is lying in the fetal position now, clutching their damaged ears. Steve Harwell does not look like he's having a good time. He seems to be yelling something, but no one can hear them on account of their ears not working. Even Blanche is lying on the ground, stunned not by the noise (she doesn't physically have eardrums, after all), but by the overloading of her censoring powers.

"Yes," Blilk says, though no one can hear her. "Now, I will complete my finishing blow." A glowing ball of white light begins forming in Blilk's torso like she's charging up some bullkitty anime attack. "Fire." Blilk unleashes her lethal milk-beam at the prone Blanche. It gets closer and closer at the speed of light until—

"Not so fast." Tom, hand on a tome, releases his own anime powers and creates a shield of pure light. "Didn't you hear about the milk that flew too close to the sun? It curdled." The milk-beam bounces back, deflected by the shield.

"What? That doesn't even make sense," Blilk says, dodging out of the way of the deflected milk-beam at the last second.

"Alright, Blanche, you're going to have to take care of the rest of this, my ears are—" Tom winces. "—not having a good time right now."

"Of course, dear. I'll finish her." Blanche gets up. "Alright, Blilk, you've really done it now. I don't care if you hurt me, but no one hurts my children." Blanche snaps her fingers, and what appears to be Pepsi starts raining from the ceiling. "Don't forget that I have control here, dear. I can make this library do whatever I need it to."

"Pepsi," Blilk says shakily. "No. You're not gonna—"

"I'm afraid I am, dear."

"But the pilk meme isn't even funny, and like, memes only have a shelf life of around two weeks anyway. No one's going to even understand the joke in like 6 months from now."

"Then I'll simply explain it to them." Blanche turns to the camera. "You see, dear reader, back in late 2021, there was something called 'pilk' where you mixed Pepsi and milk, and—"

Blilk— No. *Blpilk* begins screaming in pain.

"Ah yes, let me take care of this first, dear reader."

"Please, Blanche, you don't need to do this. I'll do anything, I swear."

"Goodbye, my beloathed." Blanche smiles.

Blpilk screams in pain as she is sucked into the pilk dimension, never to be seen again.

The members of Smash Mouth resume playing,

*"Somebody once asked, could I spare some change for gas?"*

*"I need to get myself away from this place!"*

*"I said, yep, what a concept!"*

*"I could use a little fuel myself, and we could all use a little change!"*

And through the magic of Smash Mouth, the crowd's eardrums begin to heal, and they all start singing along.

Blanche sits on Benche's lap and faces Merch Blanche. "Now, Merch Blanche, dear, how on earth did you let Blilk escape?"

"Well, you see," Merch Blanche begins, "I was sitting here in my shop… I had Blilk on the table for sale—"

"For sale?!"

"Yeah, and anyway, this weird slug with a top hat came in and just kind of grabbed Blilk with his noodly little arm and put her into his suitcase, and I was like, 'Hey, don't touch that! That's my wares!', and he was like 'waresh?' and then he tried to sell me a soggy shoelace, and I was like, 'No, I don't want to buy anything from you, mister", and I kind of forgot to ask him to give Blilk back when I was shoeing him away."

"What a strange situation." Blanche stands up. "Well, I implore you to be a little more careful, but there's no use continuing to discuss it. Blilk is gone now, forever, and there's no use crying over spilled milk, dear."