Thy Literature

These are some of thy most famous songs and poems from everywhere noritial and derritial.

## Proverbs

When Niel comes to play,
There's something you must say:
O Christ, no Squeaky Bumtime;
That's a sexual crime.

## Poems

### Retirement

"What the 'ell is going on?
I've come here from Babylon!
Been working 'ard through the night -
Now I get stabbed by a piece o' sh\*te!"
"Nana, that is not some sh\*te -
That is, in fact, my toe in flight!"

### Congealment

Thy congealment was great
For nogs in slate.

### Thy Elcreamy

Oh dear old Elcreamy
you were so dreamy
until you got all steamy
now you're dead.

### Thy Women

Hippity Hoppity,
women are property.

### Schlongsong

Don't get me wrong,

You have a big schlong

But i just cannae handle

Something that long!

## Songs

### Uncle Thumbhead

Uncle Thumbhead \*clap clap\*
Shat in his bed \*clap clap\*
Fuckin' killed Fred
fucked in the head
Uncle Thumbhead \*clap clap\*

You could beg to differ,
if it got any bigger,
it would begin to quiver,
away from reality!

His head's so fuckin' massive,
if he took a laxative,
he would shit out his ears!

Uncle Thumbhead, \*clap clap\*
Shat in his bed, \*clap clap\*
Fuckin' killed Fred,
fucked in the head,
Uncle Thumbhead! \*clap clap\*

It's so fuckin' large,
that it could sink a barge,
break a horse's back,
cock it up the crack!

Uncle Thumb's a madhead,
he once gave unto me head,
till I ejaculate!

I freaked out a bit,
he squeezed on me tit,
licked upon me D,
said "Procreate with me!"

Uncle Thumbhead \*clap clap\*
Shat in his bed \*clap clap\*
Fuckin' killed Fred,
fucked in the head,
Uncle Thumbhead! \*clap clap\*

### Mrs. Jiffy

Mrs. Jiffy had a stiffy and it was embarrassing

So she went to the doctor and she started to sing

"Oh doctor, oh doctor, can you cure this please?"

"What, the dangly cunt between your knees?"

"Oh doctor, oh doctor, is it really that long?"

"Well you certainly couldn't hide the cunt with a thong!"

## Stories

The Family Bathroom

The following is a an account of a witness about the mysterious events of the Hashslinging family bathroom:

' " it was 20th of September 1984, i walked into the Hashslinging household; which i had just bought from a estate agent. I unpacked my suitcase in the bedroom and was about to go downstairs and make a cheese sandwich, as i absconded my way down the fragmented wooden stair case i heard a excessively loud wail coming from the bathroom. I ignored the noise; disregarding it as a faulty pipe that may need to be fixed, i irrevocably got to the bottom of the stairs and conveyed into the kitchen.

I started the process of gourmet cheese sandwich making but again i heard the same excessively loud wail coming from upstairs. I quickly armed myself with a pair of magnetic wooden toast tongs, i listlessly perambulated my way out of the kitchen and for a minute there was silence. I froze. Then i auscultated the sound of a door creaking open (its hinges dirty and in need of some Cillitbang.) I wandered into the living room the television was turned of at the wall. All of a sudden Dickinson's Real Deals posthumously appeared on the television; defying the laws of Magneto statistics.

After a while there was nary a sound so i decided to finish the creation my gourmet cheese sandwich and watch Dickinson's Real Deals. It got to around half past three in the morning. I had fallen asleep on the Harper two seat sofa in butterscotch cotton matt velvet. There was an hairy feeling to Hashslinging manor at night, i knew i needed to go to bed because i had to go to work as a frozen pea tester.

I kissed David Dickinson goodnight and turned off the television. I felt a breath on the back of my neck, i swung around ready to twinge whatever was behind me. Nothing was there. I walked back up the splintering stairs to see that the bathroom light was on. I hadn't been into the bathroom since i had bought the house so that alarmed me. I ran into my bedroom and closed the door behind me.

I woke up. It was still dark. i checked the alarm clock at the side of the bed, it was quarter past four in the morning. Suddenly i felt an algid, soaked hand caress my thighs. I bellowed in despondency running; into the hallway. I saw that all the doors leading into the rooms in the household had been barricaded shut with planks of wood nailed across each end of the door frame. Except the bathroom. It was my only choice, I cantered into the bathroom.

The lights were off it was dark and frigid. You could smell the foist in the air, the shower curtains were pulled all the way across the shower but i could see a pair of wrinkly feet, water dripping off of them. I saltated towards the shower curtain toast tongs in hand, i ragged the shower curtain to the side and. Nothing. Until i looked down and saw a pair of feet, blood spurting out of the top. In a weird way i felt relived until i heard the same fucking excessively loud wail coming from the living room. I walked out of the bathroom ready to make a run for the door. As i started to run down the stairs i fell and bashed my tooth on the stairs. I got back up tooth in hand and i glanced into the living room that was parallel to me and i saw it. stood there. No neck small veiny legs staring at me next to a image of a dead antelope that i don't remember being there i continued to walk closer towards the thing and i turned the television on knowing that the Dickinson's Real Deals omnibus would be on. I was correct David Dickinsons soothing voice echoed out of the television. Suddenly the being sat down on my Harper two seat sofa in butterscotch cotton matt velvet. She proceeded to stare solemnly at the television, it seemed to be docile for the moment so i took an image of it and left never to return to Hashslinging Household again.