Bark at the Moon

**Bark at the Moon** is the second episode of the first series of The Osbournes. It originally aired on the 12th March 2002.

## Summery

Before the actual episode begin, the introduction starts off with Sharon struggling to turn on the Vacuum cleaner with Ozzy failing to help her out. Eventually, Kelly comes over and fixes their problem with a simple press of the button, only for Ozzy to complain about the noise.

The family's numerous dogs has been excreting far too many times in the house, and ruining valuable furniture in the process. The worst dog is Lola, a bull dog which belongs to Jack. Lola has already demolished a valuable sofa. Sharon threatens Jack she'll give Lola away. Jack says Lola is demolishing the furniture because Kelly has bought a new cat into the house, and Lola is angry. In the meantime Kelly and Sharon had planned on getting two cats, hiding the information from Ozzy who would only freak out.

Kelly gets busted for not stopping at a stop sign while driving, and is not far from having her license taken away. Elijah Wood and his sister Hannah visit the Osbournes. Lola does a massive 'crap' in Ozzy and Sharon's bedroom and urinates on the family sofas. Sharon threatens to give the dog away but later decides to hire a dog trainer. The dog trainer says that the dogs are spoiled rotten and untrained, and briefly trains Lola. As the dog trainer leaves, Lola urinates on a carpet.

It is revealed Kelly has bought two cats, and Ozzy sees them. His yell of horror can be heard beyond Beverly Hills...

## Memorable Quotes

"*Fucking hate the sounds of vacuums*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Turn the fucking thing off it's driving me mad man!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*It's like Doctor fucking Dolittle's house here*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*The smell of success!*"
— Ozzy as he sniff the ass of a dog

"*Fucking dogs man, shit every fucking where.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*What pisses me off is that we've had all this money spent renovating and the dogs shit everywhere, we might as well live in a zoo*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Kelly just called me from the pet shop-*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*NO,no,no forget it! no!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Aren't you interested?*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*If it's a living thing? NO!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Sharon please, will you listen to me?! If you get a boy cat in this house, it will destroy the house! Cat piss is the fucking worse! Please*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*No animals! I'm not bringing back an animal!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*I love animals! The top diva in the house is Minni,she rules the roost, she can do anything. And then we have Maggie whose next in line. Maggie I call "Heroin Sheek"And then next is Crazy Baby, we changed her name from New Baby to Crazy Baby, she um a bit neurotic. Then there's Pip, then we have the gay one Martini, Martini Bianco and Puss. Then we have Lulu, she grunts a lot, she's got very big, she looks like a seal. Lola is very big and boisterous and adorable but um...*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Get off the fucking-Oh my God! She's demolished the fucking seat!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*The Osbourne family is great at wasting money and saying "Maybe we have too many dog?!"And they'll throw the cat in for fun.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Jack! The dog ate the chair, look at the fucking chair, she ate the fucking cushion!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*You know what? You wanna know why my dog's dysfunctional, it's because its like me it's angry at you.*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*Don't get me wrong darling. I love Lola, she's like me she's trying to destroy me.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Is there a fucking boot camp for dogs, she needs her fucking boot in!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Animals are like kids, they need constant attention*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Mum! I got something to tell you! My thong is so far up my crack right now I couldn't even pull it out.*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*WHO PISSED? WHO PISSED ON MY FUCKING CARPET?! THAT BASTARD FUCKING DOG MAN!I'm gonna throw it in the fucking pool! You! Get the fuck out of my house, get the fuck out! It's a fucking terrorist! It's fucking part of Bin Laden's gang!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I am a designated driver!*"
— Kelly before being stopped by the police

"*I love the smell of armpits in the morning, it's smells of victory.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*...She's fucked!*"
— Ozzy after hearing Kelly's story

"*But who let the dog out? Who! Who! Who let him out!*"
— Jack mocking his mother

"*How does a dog like that called Lola?*"
— Elijah Wood

"*You attack people!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*She shit like I've never seen shit in all my life. She shit in my room and in the kid's play area, it was like a fucking alien on the floor.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Kelly, she shits aliens, she eaten the chair; I'm sitting in a chair where she's eaten the fucking bottom of the chair!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Minnie's a bitch! She's a cow she wants all the attention.*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*You don't need a therapist you just need to open the fucking door.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I think she's a fucking fruitloop!*"
— Ozzy describing the dog therapist

"*You thought you'd seen it all but now we-now we have a fucking dog therapist. Fucking Hell.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*Come here you shithead!*"
— Sharon Osbourne to Lola

"*Lola you were 12/10 you were amazing! You were- NO! Oh shit!*"
— Tamara praising Lola shortly before Lola urinates

## Trivia

* This episode serves as a formal introduction to all the animal (that were present during Series 1)