Why People Stopped Buying Aquafresh

We want blue stripes we want white... something else. Sorry I'm still not fully in on the Aquafresh lore. Tell me something have you ever heard of the popular British toothpaste Aquafresh? It's been around since 1973, and at one point in time, it was the best selling brand of toothpaste ever made. Sadly as the years began to perform their terrible dance, Aquafresh and their stocks slowly began to age and decay. People were instead getting their toothpaste from Aquafresh rivals including Colgate and Lyman. It's kind of ironic because the whole reason behind Aquafresh's inception was for it to be the best toothpaste known to mankind. Now before we discuss the downfall of Aquafresh, I feel as though it's best to start from the beginning and explain how such a smelly but minty fresh company came to be.

In Spring of 1974, local rug merchant Joe was completely ostracized by his community for having incredibly bad dental hygiene. Like seriously, Joe had the worse set teeth that I have had the misfortune of setting my eyes upon! His teeth were yellow like SpongeBob and the same consistency as tree bark. The reason behind Joe's gross teeth? Well even he though made a decent profit from selling his rugs he was still very much dirt poor. With barely even a cent to his name. The only time that Joe almost got it made was when he and his old friend Mrs Duper stole some bedsheets from the local coffee house owner. Sadly, Joe ended up destroying the blankets after he saw a rat sitting on top of them. Old Joe was deathly afraid of rats, and he bashed the poor thing to death with his walking stick completely wrecking the blankets in the process. Due to the fact that he made barely any money, Joe was unable to buy toothpaste. Back in the 1970's, toothpaste was extremely expensive because back then the rations for toothpaste were at an all time low. There was like only one brand of toothpaste at the time, and that was Lyman's. You don't want to buy Lyman's trust me they'll make your gums bleed out like a moose. Ooh Remie goose!

Looking to vastly improve his dental hygiene, Joe decided that instead of buying toothpaste he would simply make his own. One chilly evening, Joe headed to his local grocers, and bought bags upon bags of dental cleaners, Tic Tacs, Trebor mints, and even Fox's Glacier Mints. Well if Joe had enough money for all those mints then why he can't just buy a tube of toothpaste. Well don't be too hard on Joe my dear for he isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. Let's just say his grandpa used to clean the sinks in Germany. Know what I mean? After getting all his stuff together, Joe headed home, and grabbed a blender from his garden. Why was Joe keeping his blender outside in the garden instead of in the kitchen like a normal person? Well my friends; Joe did that so that the Earth worms could eat it. I am a happy Earth worm now that I am two! Sorry about that I'm getting a tad bit distracted! Once inside the kitchen, Joe shoved all the mints into the blender, and then he proceeded to throw the dental cleaner into it. Joe then crept down onto the floor, and opened up one of his cupboards revealing a newly minted bottle of antifreeze. Joe opened the bottle up, and poured himself a tea spoon of antifreeze. He also added a spoonful of cement to the mixture in order to make it more sticky. He then went on to pour the contents into the blender, and flicked the switch.

Oh he made a real bloody mess! In the end it was worth it as the contents had blended themselves into a pasty mixture. Joe poured the contents into a empty tub of Lyman's which his grandpa had gotten for his 90th birthday back in 1843 before you were born. Well at least I certainly hope you weren't born then because if you were then how the fuck are you even able to use a computer? Joe took out an old hairbrush from his medical cupboard, and applied the contents of the toothpaste onto the brush. Joe used the hairbrush. Oh man his teeth had never felt so clean in all his life! He went over to his living room window, and looked into the mirror. His teeth were now as white as snow, and his breath smelt like the cliffs of Dove. Joe then decided to head out to the local cafe for lunch. After lunch, Joe was going to catch the tram to Herbert's Mixes. Herbert's Mixes is a now sadly defunct company since 1992 which sold different variants of ice cream. Sadly, the ice cream wasn't very good and was always hotter than hot and not in a good way! Also, the company sold very weird flavours of ice cream. No chocolate or strawberry but they did have snozeobubble and prune kaboom. The less said about those two flavours the better! The head of the company: Herbert Powell had often expressed a keen interest in expanding into the toothpaste trade. At the time this seemed like a no go, but Herbert was determined to make a dent in the toothpaste market.

At a small family run café, Joe prepared himself for his daily beans on toast by brushing his teeth, and spitting the contents into the dustbin. Yes all the tables in the café came with a dustbin because the food is so terrible you will spit it out the second you eat it. This was because the food was laced with swamp water and bacteria. While brushing his teeth, Joe's antics caught the eye of a fellow customer. "Hey buddy what the heck is that?" Joe then proceeded to explain the origin behind his newly created toothpaste, and the customer asked if he could try some. Joe shoved the hairbrush into the customer's mouth who then proclaimed, "amazing I have to tell someone about this!" He then began singing with, "hey all you people hey all you people hey all you people won't you listen to me? I just had some toothpaste no ordinary toothpaste it's toothpaste made from tic tacs and antifreeze!" He then gave all the other customers in the café including the owner and the waiters some of Joe's toothpaste. "Hey man you've got to try this toothpaste it's no ordinary toothpaste it's the tastiest toothpaste in the world!" He then started dancing on the table. Oh what a feeling when you're dancing on the table.

As if by magic, Herbert Powell also happened to be at that exact same cafe drinking from a cup of hot chocolate. Upon noticing the customer's magnificent display, Herbert requested to have a chat with Joe in the restroom. Inside the restroom, Joe watched on in amazement as a small purple button appeared on one of the urinals. Herb clicked on the button as the walls then opened up to reveal a secret passageway to Herbert's Mixes. Herbert put his arm around Joe's shoulder as he said, "kid that toothpaste of yours is genius! I see bright things for you my boy bright things?" "Boy? I'm 76 years old." Joe said but Herb just laughed this off as he gave Joe a tour of the factory. "I am willingly to become your main shareholder in your company. Oh and by the way what are ya calling this miracle toothpaste?" Herb asked as he began admiring the now empty bottle of miracle toothpaste. "Aquafresh. I want to call it Aquafresh." Joe explained. It was time for the odds to be put in his favour.

For the first time in a really long time, Joe's life finally seemed to be going well. His partnership with Herbert Powell had resulted in him becoming one of the richest men in Great Britain over night. He bought himself his own private jet, a room at the Plaza Hotel, and even his own investment in the London Stock Exchange. Sadly all became a bit pear shaped as Joe became much more colder and greedy during this time period.

For example on Christmas Eve 1979, two fat charity collectors came to Joe's mansion in order to ask for a donation to the Mickey Mouse Charity Foundation. "We're are planning to raise a fund in order to buy the poor some meat and drink and means of warmth. So what might I put you down for?" The incredibly charity collector asked while his lesser but still fat friend just stared at Joe's elderly face which had become wrinkled like a gone off walnut whip. "Nothing." Joe said bluntly as the collector then asked, "ah you wish to remain a hippopotamus?" "I wish to be left alone! I don't take merry myself at Christmas, and I can't afford to make ideal people merry. Those who are badly off must go to work in Herb's factory." Joe explained which caused the collector to pull an incredibly shocked face. Luckily, karma came to Joe as he passed away not long after from eating a rotten rack of lamb. Actually no in reality, Joe was skinned to death in the middle of the park by a weird muppet spider monster hybrid. Ain't no doing business with the Muppets is there reader?

Following Joe's death, Herbert Powell and his company assumed complete control over the entire Aquafresh brand, he even went as far as to close down Herb's Mixes just so he could focus his efforts entirely on selling bottles of Aquafresh. Luckily for Herbert, before Joe died he had written down the recipe so Herb could always have it. Sadly, unlike Joe, Herb did not have a very good quality control, and refused to take any advice from his employees. At a board meeting, one of Herb's employees tried her best to explain why using antifreeze in toothpaste wasn't a very good idea, and that if someone died because of it the company could end up losing a great deal of dosh! "What can't you people understand about the term timelessness? The antifreeze stays. It's been a staple of Aquafresh from the very beginning. Getting rid of it is exactly the opposite of what Old Joe rest in peace would have wanted." In spite of the employees' concerns, Aquafresh quickly became known as the best selling toothpaste brand in the entire United Kingdom.

During the mid 1980's, Herb and his company started expanding into the world of advertising. However, this is when Herb came to the realization that Aquafresh using antifreeze in it's toothpaste did indeed have a few unfortunate set backs. Allow me to share some examples. One time, local real estate agent Nate Fleming had just gotten home from an incredibly busy at the office. He had just got done selling a home to an incredibly cynical mobster and his friend who I can only describe as being heavily built with a loud voice and an even louder outfit. Anyways, Nate Fleming had forgotten to brush his teeth that morning and this afternoon he and his wife were expecting a visit from Fleming's boss Toad John who wished to offer Fleming a promotion. He brushed his teeth outside for some reason, and this sadly meant the end for ole Fleming. He started shaking uncontrollably, his eyes turned crystal white as blue blood began pouring out of his mouth at an alarming rate. Nate Fleming was no more.

The usage of antifreeze in Aquafresh also killed an employee of the company named Walter Matthews. Walter Matthews worked for Aquafresh as a scientist, and he was in charge of making any changes to the formulas this included adding a much bigger dose of antifreeze as Herb had gotten a shipment of 5000 bottles from his contacts in Lake Destiny Idaho. However, Walter ended up accidentally spilling some of the antifreeze onto the wooden floor. Wooden floors are deathly allergic to antifreeze, and this caused it to catch on fire and as you might expect Walter ended up getting killed in the fire. Oh, Walter tried screaming for help, but no one heard them as they were busy doing a conga in the office. At the funeral, Herb Powell delivered the eulogy by saying, "Walter was with our company for ten years before this tragic accident." Sadly, Herb was cut off as somehow as if by magic Walter emerged from his coffin. His face was burnt to a crisp as he said grimly, "whoa accident? Your company never taught me that the wooden floorboards were allergic to Antifreeze!" He then proceeded to collapse back into his coffin having finally died for real this time. I have to admit it was somewhat comical, and the brothers on the very back pews had to stifle their laughter as Herb sank to his knees in defeat. The secret had finally been revealed.

The death of Nate Fleming had been heavily covered up since he was only an estate agent. What could he do? Walter Matthews on the hand well his wife worked as a lawyer. She threatened to take legal action against the entire Aquafresh company unless the company stopped using antifreeze in their products. To this end, Herb tried creating an extraction machine which would remove all the toxins from the antifreeze. You see; antifreeze had this miracle to it that made people's teeth become sparkling white. The machine worked a treat, and Herb felt confident that his company could continue using antifreeze for years to come. This actually worked for a few more years until 1992. In 1992, one of Herb's employees named Mr Wilson turned out to be an informant for the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Wilson supplied information to the Feds regarding Herb's dangerous business practice. It then transpired that the extraction machine did not remove all the toxins from the antifreeze like Herb had been led to believe. In truth, the machine was only able to extract 25% of the toxins, while the other 65% remained intact. Herb tried explaining himself at a press conference, but it was too late, and he was sent to prison for his crimes.

Unfortunately, Herb had an extremely good lawyer on his payroll who managed to get Herb off the hook. The only catch was that Herb was no longer allowed to control the Aquafresh company, and the company was now property of Milton Ratface. With Aquafresh now under Ratface's control, a disgraced Herb moved to Springfield where he became a tramp. He started living underneath the old subway tunnel, and he realised just how much shit he was now in. Now I would be inclined to say I feel sorry for ole Herb, but sadly I just can't do that. For that would be flying in the face of my own good nature, and I just can't have that sorry! Besides, Herb wasn't homeless for very long as he was soon able to regain his fortunes after creating a baby translator machine which could translate babies... DUH! To create the translator, Herb just used the old antifreeze extraction machine, and only slightly modified it in order to make it into a baby translator machine.

Oh! Milton Ratface was a squeezing, smelly, and downright horrid individual. Ironically, Milton's face did look an awful lot like a rat. This was mainly due to the fact that Milton had been raised in the sewers of Russia by super mutant rats. In 1968, Milton's fortunes changed after he became an imperial guard for the Baron of Russia who was an incredibly fat tuba. Yes, seriously, Russia used to be controlled by a fucking tuba who was married to a harp. I'm not joking okay? Did you even pay attention in Russian history class? I think not! The tuba was very stern, but actually really nice once you got to know him. Sadly, Milton ended losing his job as an imperial guard after he drank the tuba's entire vodka supply. After drinking the vodka, Milton made his way out onto the streets and began dancing without his clothes on. What a sight to see! It was so disgusting that Milton was permanently evicted from the country. Yes he really got himself kicked out of Russia because it was that bad.

In control of Aquafresh, Milton Ratface proved himself to be way worse than Herbert Powell ever was. He commissioned an advert for television which featured a family getting ready one morning by brushing their teeth. The family consisted of a father, a mother, and a son. An incredibly smelly song played in the background. It was so smelly that the entire fricking set had to be waxed afterwards. Not sure how that would get rid of the foul odour as it smelt really bad. Like precious precious poop. Also, the family weren't human or at least I don't think they were anyway as they looked incredibly nasty. Their bodies were wobbly like jelly, and they couldn't even stand up straight. Also, their house was alive as the taps and sinks were able to dance to the music as was the toilet. You could say that these were all special effects, but I beg to differ! I mean a toilet dancing? I mean how could that be anything other than a political statement? You try and deny it! Now because the family weren't very good dancers this meant that they had to shoot advert like 24 times. Well I say 24 times when in reality it was actually 25. An incredibly large difference I know! After they finally managed to shoot the commercial correctly, Milton Ratface got so angry that he ordered his henchman Dick Weller to throw the family into the furnace.

Dick Weller must have gone into shock as when he awoke he was now standing in the basement of the old studio lot. Dick looked over at Ratface whose face was a mere gargoyle of the Devil, and he felt such evilness in his cold green eyes that he may as well have been a holy demon in the fresh. "Do what I tell you to and I'll make you rich!" Milton proclaimed happily as he threw some dollar bills at Dick's face. "Nope not gonna do it." Dick said rather nonchalantly as he ended up slipping on a old throw rug that the family also happened to be standing on. This resulted in them falling face first into the furnace. "Oh bugger... I'll uh I'll just be leaving then." Dick said as he ran out of the studio carrying bags upon bags of hot sweet dough. Dick Weller fled to London where he got a job selling pea soup to wealthy business people. Around this time, Dick also lost any moral code as he started dancing and singing on top of people's coffins while thanking them profusely for some bizarre reason. He truly was an odd fella that Dick Weller. With the family disposed of, Milton decided that he needed someone else to star in his commercials. At first, Milton sought out SpongeBob SquarePants to become the new face of Aquafresh.

After learning of SpongeBob landing the role in Aquafresh's new advertising campaign, Squidward set out to sabotage him. Squidward invited SpongeBob over to his house, and pretended that he was going to teach SpongeBob how to dance real slow. However, what Squidy was really doing was making SpongeBob dance so much that he became more tired than a tired tyre. Although it took some time SpongeBob did indeed eventually pass out from exhaustion. With Spongey out of commission, Squidward decided that it was finally time for him to take his place in the Sun. Heading to the studio lot, Squidward jumped on top of the sound stage after killing the two security guards on duty, and proceeded to dance his heart out, Though, Milton was very impressed he felt that Squidward's dancing was best judged by an actual dancing expert who just so happened to be Squidward's arch nemesis: Squaliam Fancyson. Upon seeing Squidy's horrid dancing routine, Squaliam pulled a horrifying face as he cried out in despair, "WHO PUT YOU ON THE PLANET EUGH!" Deeply embarrassed by Squaliam remark, Squidward went home crying a thousand tears. According to Milton in an interview years later, Squaliam was originally not meant to be the one judging Squidward's dancing ability. Master Cherry was meant to be the one judging Squidward, but he was far too busy attending a seminar in Brick Street. So buggering buggerton.

As the 2000's rolled around, Milton Ratface in stark contrast to Unkie Herb actually listened to the people's complaints about Aquafresh. Ratface stopped using antifreeze and even cut down on the amount of mint products which were used in the official Aquafresh formula. While this was indeed a necessary action to make given the amount of shit that Herb went through during his tenure as head of the company, many people including yours truly found to be something of a sign of weakness. In truth, Milton had essentially been backed up into a corner, and he not wanting to lose ownership of a million pound company decided to give into the public's demands. Milton was able to earn some respect from local bar goers after he decided to finally expand the Aquafresh brand across the entire United Kingdom. Why had he waited so long to do this? Well I wouldn't know. Look I'm sorry, but I don't have the answers to all of your questions okay. After making the big expansion, Milton's fortunes unexpectedly improved again after he discovered his company's new mascots. The Aquafresh Nurdles! Allow me to explain.

The Aquafresh Nurdles were created in 2007 after Milton's personal assistant Henry Fleet suggested the company put a little bit of toothpaste into Aquafresh. Milton held his face in contempt as he began to ponder a ponder about how the company could about doing this. That's when Milton had an idea. A totally wicked idea that was to change the world of toothpaste for good. He decided to pay a visit to his dear friend and wine brewer Elgrin. Elgrin was an ugly little bugger who had a hunchback like some kind of Quasimodo, and he had no hair but he had the nose of a pig. He always spoke in an incredibly German drunken slur, and as such it made understanding what he said a real challenge. Elgin seriously need some subtitles, but telling him that would make cry a bucket of tears. Elgrin owned a massive wine warehouse in Berlin, and he owned barrels upon barrels of homemade wine. Also, Elgin had his own theme song which played every where he went. It was real sad, and sounded like someone farting into a trumpet and then having Postman Pat blow into it. Sadly, Elgin had gone against the orders of his mentor Frank Lopez, and had very much gotten high on his own supply.

Milton Ratface and Henry Fleet were given a full tour of the warehouse by Elgrin who asked, "so what do I owe the pleasure of this visit Mr Ratface?" "Nothing out of the ordinary Elgrin you old fool, but I want you to make me some mascots for my company can you do that?" Milton asked as Elgrin responded with, "of course I can!" Elgrin then proceeded to fall down the stairs. Before making their leave, Milton warned Elgrin that he would be killed if he told anyone about this meeting. In order to demonstrate this point further, Henry Fleet glared down at Elgrin's smiling face with the scariest face you ever did see. "Oh don't worry ole Elgrin has got a very bad memory especially in the mornings." Elgrin explained as he pulled a very cheesy face.

After Ratface and Fleet made their departure, Elgrin went to work on making the mascots. He headed inside an old backroom, and pulled out an incredibly large and heavy barrel. I should also probably mention that after coming out of the room, Elgrin pulled an incredibly cheesy face. The way his face looked made it look as though his mouth was hanging off. It is unknown how it happened, but somehow by combining that wine with the Aquafresh now and improved formula, Elgrin was able to create the Nurdles. Though he received no credit for doing so. In an interview on Good Morning Britain years later, Elgrin told host Piers Morgan that he didn't really care as he and Piers then proceeded to get drunk on some of Elgrin's homemade wine.

The Nurdles were two fully animated, fully CGI, fully Jewish talking pieces of toothpaste. Their names were Billy and Lilly having been named by Milton Ratface himself. Billy was the smarter and more calm and collected Nurdle while Lilly was much colder the cruller the piece of toothpaste despite her jolly coat of snow whatever that means. However, both Nurdles quickly realised that they had feelings for one another, and they agreed to kill Milton. And so on a chilly evening in March 2007, the Nurdles using a machine gun were able to perform an all out assault on Milton's mansion eventually managing to kill Milton. Henry Fleet meanwhile was able to bargain his way out by agreeing to work for the Nurdles as their new enforcer. Not long after Milton's death, Billy and Lilly got married in a small private ceremony attended by Henry Fleet and his lover Bowler Hat Bill along with their fiends Schmitt and Hymlish. They all shot bullets into the sky as the wedding took place. Captain Kiddie meanwhile served as the best man. After the wedding came to a close, Captain Kiddie blew into his mighty whistle as he proclaimed, "great wabbling waffles!" The very next day, Lilly gave birth to a healthy toothpaste named Milky.

Sadly, Billy and Lilly learned from their GP that because they were toothpaste and not real people they could not age. This meant that Milky would be a baby for the rest of his life, and that Billy and Lilly would remain the same age for all time. That's when the trio of Billy, Lilly, and Milky finally starring in some commercials. The adverts took place inside the Aquafresh factory, and each commercial ended with the Nurdles looked inside a really weird looking telescope to see an incredibly nervous child talk about why they love brush time. The Nurdles would then inquire about what your favourite part of brush time was really fucking smelly music played in the background. It was around this time however that Lilly learned about Billy having a rather violent temper. One time, Lilly and Milky laughed at the way Billy used mouth water. Sadly, Billy failed to see the humour in the situation, and glared at the pair with an intense look in his eyes. "You're so silly Billy!" Lilly joked as she and Billy started dancing very awkwardly. Blow some glass and make me a Noel! Sorry I'm getting a tad bit distracted I apologize for that! Another advert was a bit more violent in the tone though it was heavily edited after filming had concluded. In this advert, Billy and Lilly were brushing Milky's teeth, but they were not being very gentle about it and ended up cutting into the flesh of Milky's mouth as blood started to violently pour into the sink. The advert was heavily edited by Aquafresh's advertising team, but if you zoom in 100,000,000% on Milky's face I'm sure you'll see some blood.

The adverts brought Aquafresh more attention and power than the company could have ever hoped of achieving while it was under Herb and Milton. Lilly and Billy made a media icon with their faces being slapped upon every weekly magazine you could find. Sadly as the years began to pass, and the marriage of Billy and Lilly started to crumble. You see after killing Milton and marrying Lilly, Billy wanted to completely abandon Aquafresh, and move to New Bordeaux. He knew an old ship captain down there who could swing him some work down on the shipyards. Lilly however was much greedier, and she wanted as much money as she could possibly get. In that sense, Lilly had lived long enough to see herself become the villain, and she forced Billy to continue appearing in the adverts with her.

One early Spring morning, Billy went to the Aquafresh factory early, and started dicking around with the toothpaste machine. The toothpaste machine produced all of the Aquafresh and without there would be no Aquafresh. Billy tried his damn best to destroy the bloody thing, and he nearly did only for Lilly and Milky to appear from behind him. Billy was however able to play it cool and Lilly bought his lie and thought nothing of it. Milky meanwhile because he's pretty dumb pulled a lever which caused the entire room to flood in a mess of toothpaste. "Oh Milky not that lever!" Billy cried at the top of his lungs. For some reason, the Nurdles then proceeded to sing an incredibly dodgy song which caused a child to glare at Billy with hunger in his eyes. That wee bastard wants to eat Billy for breakfast I reckon! After concluding their song, the Nurdles headed to bed and it was around this time that Billy and Lilly had began sleeping in separate beds. Billy may appear happy, but on the inside he was rather aroused.

Lilly had a really weird dream that night. She dreamt that she was in space learning about the planets when all of the sudden a star with a human face appeared introducing himself as Monty Starr. He was an old fart of a star and had more 9000 wrinkles. He also had a frosty rim on his head whatever that means. Monty Starr told Lilly that Billy wanted to destroy the Aquafresh factory, and that she should kill him. Lilly refused as Monty Starr said, "do it Lilly cause you're gonna shine bright like a diamond actually no you won't!" He then proceeded to disappear in a cloud of pink smoke. Upon waking up, Lilly saw a dagger appear in the sky magically, and pointed in the direction of Billy who still slept soundly in his bed. Believing that she was meant to kill Billy, Lilly laughed menacingly as she proceeded to beat Billy to death with her handbag. Upon dealing with Billy, Lilly covered her tracks by dumping his body in the cornfields in front of Shrek's swamp.

Wrecked with guilt over Billy's death, Lilly decided to make things right by paying Elgrin a visit at his warehouse. She had gone there alone leaving Milky on his own because she was quite an arrogant bitch that Lilly I'll tell you that much! To Lilly's annoyance, she found Elgrin to be less than helpful. "I am completely confused." Elgrin whined as he started twirling around the room in a violent Italian tarantella. With Elgrin failing, Lilly headed to the Aquafresh Factory and started working to prepare a brand new Billy. She had bought a keg of wine from Elgrin, and used it to make the new and improved billy. Lilly then went on to add a whole can of Robert De Niro Soup. Seriously it was soup which came with little tiny Robert De Niro's inside of them. They talk to you and tell stories while you eat them. They even have a Christmas variant where Robert De Niro is dressed as Santa Clause. Once the new and improved Billy was created, Lilly found this new Billy to be much more violent and cunning piece of toothpaste. This new Billy had to be handled with the upmost care and control. He was now the only thing on this Earth that could make Lilly feel uneasy. Milky meanwhile couldn't tell the difference between this Billy and the OG one because he's a fucking spam in a can with a side of bram!

Now on the surface, the new Billy looked pretty much the exact time as his former self. He even had the exact same voice. The only real difference worth mentioning was the fact that the old Billy was green, red, and white while this new Billy was blue, red, and white. This helped to explain the reason behind his change in appearance in the later adverts of Aquafresh. A lot of people including yours truly had inquired about Billy's changing of colour, but Aquafresh spurned our questions with contempt by sending a tweet so arrogant and so full of itself that I shall not condemn myself by recounting it here. Around the time Billy 2.0 was created, Aquafresh sales started to enter a steady decline, and by 2011 they were making barely even a penny nor a farthing. Imagine the grocery bills! Ha ha! Anyways, realising that Aquafresh needed a gimmick for their ads, Billy 2.0 and Lilly came up with the Golden Toothbrush.

The Golden Toothbrush was indeed a toothbrush made entirely from solid. In the adverts featuring the Golden Toothbrush; Billy and Lilly along with Milky gave the Toothbrush to an incredibly nervous teenager named Ollie Bones. In the adverts, the Golden Toothbrush was said to be the source of Aquafresh's power, but it was just a prop but Ollie didn't know that. When he accidentally broke the Toothbrush one day he went off the rails completely, and killed the local stationmaster. That's when Ollie's mother Sharon frightened out of her wits went to see the Godfather: Don Corleone who told Sharon to stop fucking worrying, and that the whole matter would be attended to shortly. Ollie went on to become the Don's trusted lieutenant for a number of years until he was eventually killed in a bar fight in Queens, New York.

Now initially, Billy and Lilly had not intended on using Ollie Bone as their new spokesperson, no instead they were hoping on getting Al Pacino to star in their commercials. Sadly. Al Pacino was far too busy with other commitments, and was actually busy starring in adverts for Dunkin Donuts. The company had hired Al Pacino hire their new drink the Dunkaccino. Okay I need a minute to speak about whole ungodly awful these adverts were! In these adverts for Dunkin Donuts, Al Pacino would dance to really bad music. He would then open up his suit to reveal it to have been stuffed with donuts. "Oh yeah Dunkaccino." Yes they seriously got Al Pacino to star in the commercials for the Dunkaccino just because his name is Al Pacino. Of course, Al didn't always stick to the script as he often ad-libbed during the recording sessions. In one such session, Al Pacino actually made an old man fucking die when he said, "ooh yes don't you want a piece of my chest?"

Now to be fair, the Golden Toothbrush adverts didn't fare much better. Before Ollie went insane and joined up with the Corleone Family, he was a horrible actor having only a few roles to his name including incidental 37 in "Dog What if Cat," and as boy on bench 2 in, "You Can't Throw The Ball 2: A Lesson Learnt Twice." Ever seen those movies? They were produced by Francis Ford Coppola and Steven Spielberg. The soundtrack for Dog What If Cat was produced by Randy Newman.

Ollie's mother Sharon bullied her way into an advert as did Ollie's younger sister Lola. In one such advert, Milky was forced to mimic the sound of a doorbell in order to keep Sharon out of the bathroom for a few moments while Ollie hid the Golden Toothbrush in a cabinet underneath the sink. Ollie was meant to be painting the walls of the bathroom due to there being blood all over the floor from when Sharon murdered a plumber. Oh a plum in my.... octopus! Upon entering the bathroom, Sharon helped Ollie finish the painting as Ollie broke the forth wall by saying to the camera, "this is just like brushing my teeth. I'm old enough to do it by myself, but a grown up should always check." While Ollie was saying his little Aesop, Sharon pulled the weirdest face I've ever seen. It looked like a frog getting it's face torn off by a rusty razor, and then that razor was dipped in wax. She also let out an incredibly massive fart which only served to make her face even more cheesy. It was so fucking bad that Billy 2.0 and Lilly vomited all over the set which delighted one of the cameraman as he planned on sending the footage to Toothpaste Gone Wild. Never you mind why that's an actual show. Just roll with it buddy, and then you go on forever. Cause you and me are gonna... nope not gonna do it.

By the early 2010's, Aquafresh was fading out of the public eye. The prices were beginning to crumble, and t make matters worse Billy 2.0 was preparing to stand trial after a couple of federal agents got him charged for felony tax evasion. So, in a last ditch effort, and with some help from Elgrin, the Aquafresh Nurdles were able to create a new mascot for the Aquafresh company. By throwing one of Superman's slippers into the Aquafresh formula along with some of Elgrin's patterned wine, the Nurdles created Aquafresh Man. Real original name I know! He was a Buzz Lightyear looking motherfucker who was very boring. He had no character to him outside of having HUGE biceps and big chunky thighs. Mmm. Sorry I was just thinking about that roast I had at Wetherspoons the other day. The meat was tender and... sorry I'm getting distracted yet again aren't I? So as I said earlier, Aquafresh Man had no character. He also didn't practice what he preached. He claimed to hate junk food, but in one advert he was seen shoving an ice cream into his big mouth. What a hypocrite! Now initially, the Nurdles appeared in the adverts with Aquafresh Man as his co-stars, but by 2018, the Nurdles had completely disappeared. Most people think that the company simply got rid of the Nurdles in favour of Aquafresh Man as they believed he would appeal more to the masses, but sadly that couldn't be further from the truth. Allow me to elaborate.

Much like how the Nurdles usurped Milton, Aquafresh Man planned on doing the exact same thing to the Nurdles. To do this, Aquafresh Man started scheming with the King of Ruritania King Rudolph and the wife of his half-brother Prince Michael. Her name was Antoinette De Mauban. Sitting in the living room of the King and his smelly wife whose so fucking annoying and weird I won't bother mentioning her name, King Rudolph puffed on a pipe as an idea came to his head. Aquafresh Man watched on in curiosity as King Rudolph made his way over to the piano in the room. "Maybe I have an idea." Rudolph said as he started planning a really bad out of key tune on the piano. He then finished with, "Yes I've got it, but I'll need your help." For some reason, Rudolph saying this made Antoinette very angry. Though she could just be angry because of the really off key piano notes that Rudolph was hitting. Rudolph's plan was simple, The Nurdles were going to be attending an aristocratic ball up in Oaker, Antoinette was to slip some poison pellets into their drinks, and the rest is history.

Rudolph infiltrated the party by disguising himself as his alter ego Monkey Face. He wore a horrifying monkey mask. Antoinette accompanied Rudolph as his plus one while Aquafresh Man disguised himself as a waiter named Buzz. Really hammering in the fact you look like a cheap Buzz Lightyear knock off Aquafresh Man! Nice going... bastard. So, Antoinette slipped some poison pellets into Billy 2.0 and Lilly's wines, but she should not bring herself to poison Milky as that would by flying in the face of her good nature. When Rudolph told her that Milky had to be killed too, Antoinette responded by fainting in a comic fashion. Rudolph didn't bother saving her from falling onto the cold hard cement dance floor as he was a good for nothing shyster of a king. The townsfolk had been wrong. Rudolph was the real monster not Michael. Now the poison worked and managed to kill Lilly, but Billy 2.0 had left the party to attend to Milky whom he and Lilly had left behind to run the Aquafresh Factory in their absence. Didn't even hire a babysitter for the child. They deserve to be handed over to Big Smile Lee!

After hearing about Lilly's death via the morning paper, Billy 2.0 made a deal with newspaper journalist Leonard Petersen who wished to become the new DA. Billy 2.0 offered to expose the corruption of King Rudolph and his right-hand man Colonel Sapt who who controlled the Ruritania Private Army. He also offered to expose some company secrets in exchange for placing himself and Milky into the witness protection program. Petersen agreed to the deal, and arranged a live television interview between himself and the two surviving Nurdles. The interview was to be held in the Television Centre in London. Prince Michael went as far as to provide a pair of bodyguards for the pair. He would do anything in his power to see his younger brother ruined. After all if Rudolph failed, it meant that Michael would inherit the throne.

Aquafresh Man was sent to London in order to perform a hit on the Nurdles before they could publish their story. That story could ruin the entire monarchy of Ruritania. Colonel Sapt's top man Markie Barkie who looked so much like Stan Smith that I'm surprised he wasn't sued by Fox had planted a bomb underneath the Nurdles' car. Sadly, Aquafresh Man just couldn't bring himself to kill an infant and opted to kill Barkie instead. After arriving at Television Centre, a SWAT team found what was under the car, and so Billy 2.0 and Milky were given 100 times the security. Their story was made public, and within a day King Rudolph was given life behind bars while his brother Michael inherited the throne. Meanwhile, Colonel Sapt was able to bargain his way out of imprisonment by agreeing to turn evidence on his employer's corruption. Petersen kept his word, and the two Nurdles were moved to Chuparosa in Mexico, and placed under the witness protection under the new names: Dilly and Dilky. Real clever naming there guys I'm sure no one will ever catch on! King Rudolph was not dumb however. He knew that Aquafresh Man would fail to kill the Nurdles, and so before getting driven away in a police cruiser he ordered his entire private army to raid the Aquafresh Factory and to kill Aquafresh Man.

The Ruritania Private Army stormed the factory though Aquafresh Man attempted to hide in his office. "Okay you want to play rough? Say hello to my little friend!" Aquafresh Man proclaimed as he used his laser eyes to shoot through the wooden office door, and he managed to kill half of Rudolph's troops. He would have killed all of them expect a man came up from behind him holding a Lupara. That same man shot one fatal Lupara bullet through the back of Aquafresh Man that sent him falling to his death in the fountain below. Yes the factory had a fountain inside of it due to the hole in the satellite picture.

With Aquafresh Man dead, the Aquafresh company then became property of King Rudolph's estranged cousin Mr Rassendyll who looked exactly like his cousin. Sadly, Rassendyll and his lover Charlie ended up running the company into the ground very quickly by overpricing everything, and then charging an abnormal amount of interest. They were quite insistent upon it actually. Seeing no other option left, Rassendyll set the Aquafresh Factory on fire, and then drove off into the sunset in his 1930's truck with Charlie. The pair were heading up to Zenda to watch Hollyoaks with Colonel Sapt. Though the show was very good indeed and Colonel Sapt was great company, he was a very threatening man who told the pair that they were not permitted to leave and had his two heavily built bodyguards guard the front door of his house like a fortress. I should also mention before I forget that before leaving the company, Rassendyll had watered down the shit out of Aquafresh. This meant that the toothpaste no longer had any flavour. No flare! No sense of worth! That's just maddening like a copy of Madden 08.

So, there you have it clear as a gem in Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time. Cha ching! The story of the rise and fall of Aquafresh is basically just a long drawn out story of betrayals and terrible people doing terrible things. Yes my pork that is sadly the way of it. Once Rassendyll destroyed the OG Aquafresh Factory which had been around the 1970's the company lost all respect. Newer more powerful companies like Colgate had become all the rage. Perhaps if Herbert Powell had stayed in power, the entire thing could have been avoided. It is currently unknown who controls the company well at least it was until five days ago when I learned from my mole that Elgrin now controlled the company. So hopefully with Elgrin in charge, we'll start to see some changes, and maybe he can get Aquafresh to being the way it used to be, but I wouldn't hold your breath on that one. So if you'll excuse me, I need to go and give my teeth a nice good brush. They're beginning to turn yellow like Captain Ahab's Quaker Oats. I just bought some new toothpaste from Tesco. Oh yeah a nice new bottle of Aquafresh!