Mr. Mike

Mr. Mike, or "Saint Michael Microphone", as he prefers to be called, is a microphone. One day, someone decided to interview him, because "haha microphone funny". The following headers for the rest of this article will be questions asked.

## What is your favorite color?

Well, I'd have to say red. Red has always been the most pleasing to me. It's a sharp color that can be mild when it wants, too. It's also always seemed the tastiest to me. Don't you wanna try some red? Also, red is fun because it's the only color that's irrefutably red when its default color hex is entered in, but it has exactly 2 F's. Like if you type #FF0000 into the color spectrum, that's undeniably red. You can't say that about #00FF00 or #0000FF. Some people think blue is #00FFFF, some think it's #0000FF, there's no definitive answer so nobody can say for sure. Same thing with #00FF00, some may think it's a darker color, heck, some might even think of green as #00FFFF. I never have, though. I've always, ALWAYS thought of #00FFFF as just, 100% blue. If you think otherwise, I'd like to propose a debate with you at my house. I live in 856 Sussy Lane, Actually a good county, 42754. There we can have a respectful debate about how incredibly wrong you are. But actually I guess colors are completely subjective, and trying to apply objectivity to them makes as much sense as trying to apply objectivity to which food tastes better, steak or chicken. I'll always be a chicken fanboy, personally. I can kinda see the appeal of steak, but I mean, c'mon. Chicken has so many flavor options. Steak is just steak, and if your steak doesn't taste like steak, then it's a pretty damn bad steak. This is kinda off-topic to fancy restaurants, but how many big food places sell fried steak? I can think of 1, and that's Cracker Barrel. I don't trust Cracker Barrel with my chicken or my colors, and that's why red is better than the other colors.

## What was your childhood like?

Oh, my childhood was great! I wrote down what is precisely my childhood waking up procedure here, which I will read off in excess detail. First, at a varying time but usually between 6:00 and 7:30, I wake up. Waking up was the worst part of my childhood. Working for a strict boss known as the "Superintendent" wasn't easy because he made me wake up extremely early and work 7 hours a day, and usually never even paid me for my efforts. I was also confused as to why we even needed to work so much, because they seemed to have all the answers to the worksheets they had for me. It seemed like cruel and unusual punishment for making the mistake of being born. Do you know how microphone birth works? Eh, I'll ask another time, you don't need to hear about it in front of the kids. So waking up, right? After I wake up, I'd have to spend some time picking out what clothes to wear. This was never an easy part of my day. Clothes... are like the dressing of life. If you use dressing, you'll probably taste better, but if you don't, then you're probably healthier. Actually I suppose the 2 are opposite to another. So, the point is. I wake up, put on my microphone clothes, and I walk to the bathroom. The fun part about being a microphone is that most of us don't have any teeth, so the only brushing I need to do is brush the net of the microphone. At least I think that's what it's called, I didn't do any microphone research before I started writing this. It's recommended that you brush your microphone net once a week, but I've yet to see any downside to brushing it every day. After this, I'd sometimes grab myself some breakfast, but not usually. You know how microphones get breakfast, right? Eh, you wouldn't get it. Kids these days have no gratitude. I just spent the last 3 minutes of my life going over why red is better than the poopy blue color, and you don't even care! Well, anyway, going to school. This part was always difficult because moving is hard. So after I begged, and I begged, my parents finally got me a Micwheel. I bet you don't know what a Micwheel is, stupid kids nowadays. A Micwheel is a wheel you attach to the bottom of yourself, and it gives you wheels. It comes in handy if you're a microphone. So the point is, I either walked or rolled to school, and school was pretty cool. I spent 7 hours a day inside a building, learning how to manage myself, not really learning any real information. I'm not sure why they can't teach us real information at the same time they teach us real skills, because I don't think the understanding of how cellular respiration relates to the understanding of paying my taxes, but school was pretty fun, I swear. I had a couple friends. Sometimes we ate lunch together. One time in Technology class, our teacher taught us how to use A.I.'s to write text for us, and I remember exactly what my A.I. wrote out. "What a fancy place you live. If I were you I'd go to the Moon and invite me in for a pizza." Ha. They all called me "my generation", because, well, I'm the only mic they've ever seen. I'd always be asked what generation I was even though I looked like I was 16. Anyway, one time my friend and I rode to school together on our parents' microphones. It took us a couple hours, but we finally made it. My friend and I didn't see each other for a few days, but when we did, he said "Hey, I heard you were involved with child porn, that's not cool". I didn't say anything because I thought he", and that was all it wrote. This message changed my life. I decided to live the rest of my life by this, but it didn't really work. I kinda stopped living my life by this after a few hours, to be honest. I have no idea why the A.I. wrote about "child porn", but oh well. I guess I'm involved with that now. But I mean, if I was a child, then it doesn't matter AS much, right? RIGHT?!

## Okay, I have one final question for you.

Only one more question? C'mon, we were having so much fun! Well, at least, I was having so much fun. I'm not sure about you, but I was having all the fun in the fair! I can't believe you'd end our conversation so abruptly. This is almost as bad as this time I was getting ice cream at my favorite ice cream parlor, "Butthead Road Ice Cream". I think they got the name from a 5-year-old. Well, at this ice cream parlor, some guy just up and CUT IN FRONT OF ME! I thought this was so ridiculous that I decided to sue him. I was gonna have the greatest trial ever! It was gonna be so well constructed, and interesting to watch, and a bunch of other good adjectives! People would love my trial. Unfortunately, all the words I can sue him for are really big-boy words, and "cutting in line" doesn't really apply as much to those big-boy words. so I wouldn't be able to sue him. Anyway, aw man, I don't wanna wrap this up! That'll be no fun. I'll have to sit around in my own headspace, thinking about things to do, things to say, statements to do and statements to say. I can't do any of that alone! I tried to do things alone one time, and that winded up with me in a library detention. Y'know how that happened? No, you don't! I bet you don't even know what a library detention IS! Well, a LIBRARY detention is being held inside the library for an hour on account of doing something BAD! Y'know what bad thing I did? Well, in the library, sometimes they hand out free samples of coffee. I decided to take TWO SAMPLES! Why did I do it? Because the sign told me not to. So I was sent to detention. I could tell the library was trying to bore kids, because they had reading all over the walls. I didn't care. It was fun to read! I knew most of the references! I can read, too, so I know what the references were referring to. They were referring to words! And I knew most of those words. In my library detention, they never said anything against using phones, too! SO! I... WOULD'VE USED MY PHONE IF I HAD ONE! Yeah, actually, my mom never bought me a phone. But it's okay for me, a 27-year-old man to rely upon my 49-year-old mother for all of my expenses! That's what she does! She provides for me by providing everything I could possibly need at my demand whenever I ask for it. This is helping me become an independent person because it'll help me out when I find a wife! I'll treat her the same way, and she'll give me nothing but her unstopping love, affection, care, and other good things! Why would she ever leave me? I'm Saint Michael Microphone! I'm a saint, it says so in my name! That's proof that she shouldn't leave me right there. Maybe I'll even find myself a wife right now! Or at least a girlfriend. But the point is, with my attention and affection giving female significant other, I won't provide anything for her. Why would I? I'm Saint Michael Microphone. I do what I want!

## Y'know what, I'm gonna go.

Y-y-y'know what, fine, go! I'll find someone else who wants to listen to me! It'll be so easy that it'll take like 3 seconds! I can just walk around this block and find someone else who wants to listen to me! I betcha this nice lady over here would like to-okay nevermind, but I betcha I'll talk to someone before you talk to someone else! Hey, what are you doing talking to that l-oh, she's your girlfriend. Well still! I'll find some other person who wants to listen to me! M-m-maybe I'll even find MYSELF a girlfriend! How about this girl next to m-she's 16, okay! Well not that that matters anyway! Age is just a number! I can do whatever I want to anyone! I'm dang heckin' Saint Michael Microphone, gosh dangit! Oh, hey, who are you calling, 16-year-old? ...OH, you're calling the police! Okay! Well! I am going to leave! And hey, you don't even know my REAL name! Saint Michael Microphone isn't my birth name, Mr. Mike is-DAMNIT! Stupid, Mike, stupid! You and your stupid voice amplific-wait how loud have I been talking at? OH PHOOEY! W-well screw you! I betcha I could take you in a fight probably! Y-yeah, I challenge you, stupid 16-year-old girl to a fight! Then whoever wins gets to decide whether or not you call the p-okay you have a gun on you. That's... that's just unfair man, c'mon. I wanted to settle this like men, but if you're too busy carrying around your bluff firearms, then fine! I don't care! I betcha $10,000 that thing's not even lo-