Ken's Confession

This was a series of scenes that started innocently enough, with Haru Yamada asking Ken Surutoga if he thought she should change her appearance. He then confessed to her, sparking scenes between Haru and Claudia, Ken and Claudia, Haru and Ted, Ken and Tim, and finally Haru and Ken again. This final scene was interrupted by Anemone, and culminated in Haru and Ken finally gaining access to the Nuada's engine room. If only for a minute.

## Haru and Ken in the Gym (date?)

"Listen, this is extremely important and crucial to our mission and goals moving forward," she says with the utmost sincerity.  "Is it just me or is Wei, like, super hot now?  And Prisha too.  It feels like we're more or less the same while on this side everyone turned into babes."

"Yeah, you're right..." Ken says, unenthusiastically. He's comfortable with the distance between them, emotionally speaking, but he still can't help but wish Haru would look at him like that.

"What do you think, Ken?"  Haru gets right in front of him, very close.  He's the only person she doesn't have much of a sense of personal space with.  "Should I? You know, change my looks or something?"

"Wha--" Ken blushes at Haru's close presence. "I-I don't know, I think you always look good. I mean--" He shakes his head quickly from side to side, slaps his cheeks twice quickly, and looks at Haru, trying to be objective. He fails, however, and only blushes a deeper red.

He closes his eyes and rubs the bridge of his nose with the palm of his hand, summoning all his will and concentration, and manages to get out, "I don't... think you really need to change your look... But a change is always nice. Like a fresh breeze..." Wondering what the hell he just said, he closes his mouth to give his taxed composure a break.

She blinks a couple times, not understanding exactly what he said.  But at least she knows he said she should do it.  "Hmm... it would be pretty nice to surprise Vee. I haven't really changed all that much physically since a year ago, but I feel like an entirely different person..."  And, though she won't say it, she did enjoy wearing those cute outfits before.

"I wonder who I should get some help from? I'd ask Shunka. Or Allie, if she's... hmm.  I don't trust myself to really do this myself."

Wishing to help, Ken tries imagining Haru in the fashion of the other crew members of the Nuada and several of their other past aquaintances and comrades. Unfortunately, he accomplishes nothing but making himself blush more. Although... "Before you go thinking about people who aren't even here--" he mentally berates himself for reminding Haru about the situation with Shunka, but continues with what he's saying nonetheless, "--why not try asking Claudia? She's got all that life experience under her belt, right? She might have some unusual ideas you might not get from other sources."

Haru immediately blanches at the thought.  "Do you really think that's a good idea?  Claudia?  Ugh..."  He was right, out of everyone present she was the most likely to be able to help.  Sana, even if she wanted to, is way too audacious.  But still.  Asking Claudia for this kind of help would be... worse than being shot down...

Ken blinks in surprise at Haru's reaction. He was aware their relationship was a little strained, but this was...

His manner becomes slightly more serious. "What's wrong with Claudia? She looks out for all of us, keeps us all safe. Without her I don't know how many times I would have died in the other world. I know she'd be very happy if you were to rely on her for this."

"She's... she's just..." This isn't what she'd wanted to talk about.  "Dammit!" Haru plops down on the ground cross-legged as if she's pouting. "I hate her, okay!  She's the worst!  It's embarrassing and I get that it makes me a petulant child, but when I see her taking command, or jumping in to help people out, it makes me want to scream.  Why her?  Why?  She doesn't have Sana's charisma or Tetra's battlefield command sense. And she hasn't worked a tenth as hard as me to earn the position she's sitting in! Dammit!" Haru smashes her clenched fist against the training mat in frustration.

"I'm not saying she's bad at it, I'm just... I'm saying... I just... UUUUUGHHH!!"  Haru jumps to her feet, dashes to the wall and throws Ken a padded guard meant for taking hits, then immediately starts wailing on it with her bat.  Not holding back at all.  The protection is enough to keep Ken from getting hurt, but he can clearly feel how much force she's putting into it.

"Nobody understands, Ken!  You know how much they've asked about what happened in PL? You're literally the only person that knows a damn thing!  And it's not even just that, it's the way she..."

Haru stops swinging for a second to catch her breath, then resumes with slower, harder swings.  "It's the way!  She flirts!  With everyone!"  She pauses the swings, panting now.  "Meanwhile, I can't even... keep a straight face... if someone comes close to me!"  Making eye contact with Ken, she quickly adds, "Except you of course, Ken, you're like family."

She takes a deep breath in, then slowly exhales it.  Then she drops the bat and tightens her fists.  She starts throwing punches, no longer with the reckless force of her swings before, but following the patterns Ken himself had trained her in.  One two three, jab jab hook. As she does, Haru visibly calms down.  Her focus increases.  Finally, she speaks again.

"I don't really hate her, obviously."  As she speaks, her rhythm is uninterrupted.  "It's more fair to say I hate myself, and she's just the constant reminder of it. I go off on some stupid journey of self-discovery and just leave Vee behind when she needed me most. It's so goddamn frustrating, Ken!  We had those talks!  We even had the doctor on our list of suspects, but then I just up and left and never got to follow through.  I act casual about it most of the time, I talk about saving her, I talk about what she'll say when she sees me or whatever, but deep down I don't even know if I deserve to look at her after I've saved her."  She stops punching, and again looks at Ken directly.  "You wanna know why it looks like I got over the whole Aries thing so quickly?  Because it's not like I could hate myself much more than I already do. That's right, Ken! That's the level of my selfishness! Fucking up and losing one person hurt me more than all those lives.  So, yeah, there we go.  How the hell did we get here from a stupid talk about makeovers?"

Ken braces himself as Haru unloads her frustrations on him in more ways than one. Hearing Haru talk about how much she hates herself is painful, and if he were anyone else than who he is at this exact moment he might be crushed under the weight of it, or have been unable to deal with it and had to run away. It's not his iron will that allows him to bear it-- his feelings for Haru only allow him to do one thing, and that's accept her fully and completely. So as Haru finishes, tears begin to stream down Ken's face, and yet he smiles at Haru softly.

"I thought I was an expert on self-loathing..." The strength leaves his arms and he lets the impact guard fall to the ground. "Ever since I realized what kind of man my father was, I've hated myself for being his son. As I grew up, I could see more and more of him in myself... that's why I had to run." He breaks eye contact for a moment, his gaze drifting off to one side as he concentrates. "I think, in my entire life, I've been afraid of hurting people. That's why I never got close to anyone... that's why I just lived on the edges and boundaries of society. Why I never experienced anything of what life had to offer. I didn't want anything... Didn't aspire to anything... I think for a long time before I joined the ERU I was just searching for a place to die, or maybe a cause to die for." Turning back to Haru, he makes eye contact with her again. "That's why I was able to bear what happened in New Cassini. It felt like it was natural for me to do things like that... as an Angel... and as my father's son. And that's why, when you told me you were okay after Aries, I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew you were... way too fine... and that just filled me with dread for some reason. And now I know why..."

He takes a step closer to Haru, tears still flowing. "I think I probably fell in love with you the moment we met. You're so vibrant... So confident... You experience life so fully. I wished I could be like you. I wished I could be that strong... And ever since then, you've been helping me grow as a person, helping me get stronger, keeping me on the right path. All my growth is because of you. All that I am is because of you. My soul is dyed in your colour. I thought I was an expert on self-loathing... but I can see you've got me beat there too. And yet, compared to the overflowing, endless love I have for you, that self-loathing is nothing. I would hate myself if I got between you and Vee... but all I can think to do is drown that insignificant self-loathing in the deep universe of my love for you." Forced to act by his feelings, not caring about what might happen later, Ken wraps his arms around Haru and embraces her as tenderly as he can.

"Haru, I swear to you... Even if my body is crushed, burnt, disintegrated, and reduced to dust, I'll do everything in my power to reunite you and Vee. That's why... You can't hate yourself. Vee wouldn't want you to punish yourself for being unable to save her... That wouldn't make her happy. If she could see you right now, she'd be crying as hard as I am. So... please... don't let anyone stand in the way of being as powerfully Haru as you can. Not Claudia... And not yourself... Keep fighting. Keep shining. And you and Vee will be together once again. I'm sure of it."

Haru stands there frozen as Ken hugs her.  She doesn't -- she can't return the hug.  Eventually she steps back, pulling away from him.  There's an agonized, confused look staining her face. She no longer feels comfortable around him.  In an instant, her last remaining safe place in her life is gone.  She continues backing up, slowly shaking her head, but she's unable to speak.  She just looks utterly, fundamentally betrayed.

And then she turns and walks away.  She doesn't run.  But she doesn't turn back, or say anything.

Haru's betrayed look pierces Ken's heart more effectively than even the sharpest AT Field, but he can do nothing but watch as she leaves. He doesn't shed any more tears-- all of his tears are for her, he can't spare any for himself. He knows things will probably never be the same between them, but he still feels as if he had no choice but to do what he did. When Ken is alone in the gym again, that's when he speaks up, airing his feelings to the empty gym. "I hope you can forgive me, Haru... I never wanted anything but to help you... But you know, feelings are the one thing you can't change by force of will alone..."

Spreading his arms out to the sides, Ken falls to the mat on the floor and lays there for a long time, staring up at the ceiling. "God knows I've been trying... I knew what you wanted from me, and I knew it didn't match up with how I felt... But no matter how I tried, I just couldn't kill these feelings inside me... And when you bared your heart to me, all I could do was show you mine in return in the hopes that you'd find some solace in it..."

## Haru and Claudia in the Simulators, several hours later

As Claudia goes about her own morning routine she is surprised to not find Ken and Haru in the gym. They are so religious in their training that their absence sets off all sorts of alarm bells in Claudia's head... but there aren't any (new) bloodstains in the gym so the worst case scenario of them going to far in one of their matches seems unlikely.

Claudia runs a quick system query on their locations and finds they aren't together, but at least they aren't in the med bay either. Haru at least was in the simulators... had she changed her training plans for the day? But it was still strange that Ken wasn't with her as her constant training partner. Claudia would have to check in with Ken as well, but she decided to start with Haru.

When Claudia arrives at the simulators, sure enough, Haru is hard at work. She appears to be working on a survival scenario where waves of Beta just keep coming. The whole situation had Claudia a bit worried and curious, so she hops in another simulator and joins the sim session. As it loads Claudia sees that Haru is still doing fine, even with how long she's already been at it. While Haru has the horde's attention Claudia sets up and announces her arrival:

Claudia lays down some suppressing fire on the Beta advancing on Haru with her Superheavy Machinegun.

Seeing the shots have the desired effect she opens a line to Haru: "Hello sunshine!"

Before Claudia finishes the word “sunshine”, Haru swivels mid-dodge and fires a volley from her arm mounted machine gun. She realizes her mistake just in time to yank the arm up and cause the shots to miss.

“What are you doing here?” Her voice is deadpan, serious. Despite the ludicrous kill count racked up, she’s not having fun. “I assume Ken sent you? Well I don’t need it.”

"ah, scary..." Claudia says, a little unnerved even though this is just a sim. "Incidentally, I have no idea what you're talking about. But it's rare for you two to break your training routine. I didn't see any blood or gore... but you didn't hospitalize him did you?"

The thought of Ken being hospitalized catches her off guard enough she only barely dodges one of the nearby Grapplers. She throws the Shiranui toward the ground, then jets past two Grapplers, leaving them both in pieces. After making some space around her, she lands and looks over at Claudia.

“We had a talk. It didn’t go well... for either of us, I guess, but I don’t want to think about it. He probably needs help more than I do, so go find him.”

"He's next on my list," Claudia says casually as bombards the space where Haru had been a moment ago, "I didn't come to pry so you don't have to explain the details if you don't want to. But seeing as we're both here now, how about some training?"

“...Why? Why are you being so nice to me? I haven’t done anything to you to deserve this, what, friendly chat and training?”

"Deserve? I think 'earned' is more appropriate. And pay attention...!" Claudia sprays down the virtual Beta with railgun fire, apparently not about to let the sim end just yet. "You're interested in taking on more responsibility aren't you? I just kinda fell into the command role, but the more skilled people we have the better... so how about it?"

Claudia was the last person she wanted to spend extra time with. Or, maybe now the second to last. Still, she couldn’t exactly turn her down.

“I planned to be here for the next 12 hours or so. If you want to try to keep up, you’re welcome to join me. But...”

Haru was about to say “this doesn’t make us friends.” Could she possibly be more of a pathetic child? She sounded like a damn teenager.

“But, uh, I’m done warming up so I was going to crank up the difficulty.” That, at least, was true. “I guess if you can’t keep up, I can help you out.”

Whyyyyy did she even say that? Dammit Haru! Keep your damn mouth shut and stop being a bitch to Claudia!

"12 hours?! I know you're diligent in your training but that seems a bit much. I'm not sure I'll last that long, but I'll accept your help~"

Even if this was actually training, Haru isolating herself for so long... she kinda doubted that she was doing better than Ken, whatever it was they talked about. And just when things seemed to be looking up to, getting a lead on some of their friends from this world.

"But seriously, about responsibility in Aegis. It's fitting that we are discussing it back in this world given how we got our start, but it's bad for any one of us to be too important. I'm not fishing for praise, but being flight lead and part of development and maintenance... I have no interest in kicking the bucket, but if I suddenly wasn't here I don't want to bring Aegis down with me. I'm no Tetra, but having someone else ready to take the reins in the field... Are you ready to step up if you have to do that for me?"

"12 hours from now.  I've already been in here for..." She reaches up in the simulator and pulls off a post-it note covering the current time.  "Oh, shit.  Three and a half hours?"

Then, after Claudia's question about responsibility, Haru scoffs.  "Is this really happening? Ensign Ptolemy is really talking to Ensign Yamada about the chain of command?"  She knows she shouldn't be saying any of this, but she just can't hold it back anymore.  "Hey Claudia!"  She continues in between gunning down approaching tanks and looking for a good path to a distant Fort Class, "Who exactly do you think suggested you for leadership in the first place, huh?  I'll give you a hint! It certainly wasn't Tetra or Sana singling you out!"

"Oh my, you're saying that like I've been subject to something awful! Aaaaand rolling out the red carpet!" Claudia lays down another withering barrage clearing the way to the fort class. "I'm flattered you hold me in such high regard, but it's not as though you've done nothing since swallowing your pride back then. Rank hasn't been observed that strictly since we became Aegis anyways, this is about maintaining necessary skills on our team."

"How are you being so lighthearted about this, dammit?!" Seizing the opportunity, Haru recklessly charges in past countless BETA to engage the Fort herself.  She's in top form.

"Of course, of course I want that position.  It's not like it's a secret! Is this your way of telling me I can wait in line 'til you die? What a riot, especially from a damn immortal."

"Just the opposite: you're clearly a hard worker and I want to see you live up to your potential. And I am who I am, that doesn't make me perfect by any measure. And I'm not expecting you to be either, but here I am talking about the prospect of you moving towards that position and you're complaining?"

"It's just..." the Shiranui lands in a crouch and then leaps into the air, dealing a decisive blow against the Fort, "bad timing, okay!! God!  How can I possibly think of myself as a leader if I'm so blind I don't even see someone falling in love with me?"

Before she can say anything else, her attention is stolen by the Laser Warnings now blaring.  Looks like more Luxes have arrived.  She flips in the air and dives back down to the surface.

"Love?!" Claudia blurts out before she can stop herself. "Ho boy..."

Exasperated both by the revelation and the laser warning, Claudia deploys her sentry gun and starts saturating the general area the lasers were found with railgun and rocket fire.

"I think maybe you're being just a little too hard on yourself there, it's not like I'm the best people person after all! Ahhh, but what are we going to do with these guys? I mean, I know we are real catches and all but...."

Haru is pinned down from her position, and can't make it to the Laser Class yet, so she maneuvers to put some other swarms between them and starts cutting down weaklings with abandon. As expected, the simulator perfectly recreates that pleasing sensation of the PB Blade cleaving through BETA like butter.

"Secret's out, I guess.  That's why I'm gonna hide in here until I pass out, or whatever.  I have no idea what to do."

"What to do? Aaaaaaah, no wonder you thought Ken had it worse, ouch... It's not like you're making him feel any better punishing yourself like this though. Knowing him he was probably trying to help you so this is exactly the opposite of making him feel better."

"So?  I'm super pissed at him! Look at it from my perspective, we've been best friends for a year, we trusted each other with everything, we joked together and pushed each other and fought and made up.  Just because outta nowhere he says something like this, I'm supposed to just, what, become some maiden and drop everything?  Settle down and have kids? What, what, what the fuck! He deserves to feel bad!"

"Wait, did he actually suggest that?"

"No!  Maybe!  I don't know, I don't know anything okay!!"

"If you weren't such a mess right now this would be really cute, but it's actually kind of frustrating. You being girly is the exception, not the rule. If he likes you why would he want you to do a 180 and suddenly be that way?"

Claudia's obvious logic cuts through Haru's fog.  "This whole thing started when I talked about a makeover... about looking cuter..." Despite everything, she ended up talking to Claudia about it in the end after all.  "If I had just kept my mouth shut, could we have continued on like before?"

But maybe that wouldn't have been fair to him.  She doesn't know.  It's not like she'd ever been in love before!  The thing with Vee was totally different, the origin was... more... well, sexual.  The real love came later.

"Mmmmmm makeov- that's not the important part right now!" She sprays even more firepower at the lasers than before as if she got a bit excited there for a moment. "This would have come up eventually, maybe you just nudged him to move earlier. But do you dislike him?"

"Of course I like him, as family.  He's been like a brother.  We've been so close, in a way I couldn't be close with anybody else here. God... this sucks so much."

"Well, leaving it alone will make it suck worse. Leave these Beta to me... you have a more important battlefield now!"

The corniest line Haru has ever heard shocks her so much she stops abruptly, and the Shiranui is covered in Tank Class BETA in seconds.  "Son of a..."

"Woah... lame..." Claudia looks on in disgust.

Haru slams on the big red button and burns a bunch of extra fuel to jet away, but in doing so flies too high.  A laser meets her before she can react and cleanly slices the Shiranui's legs off.  All in all, it's an amateurish display.

"I'm not gonna talk to him, Claudia," she says through gritted teeth.  "The hell would I even say?  Thanks but no thanks? This isn't a business proposition. We had the strongest of friendships, and he threw it in the trash for a chance to get his dick wet? What the fuck.  God.  Men suck!"

"There you go again... Want me to put your virtual self out of your missery? I can make a really flashy funeral pyre~" As if to punctuat the point a hail or rockets comes down on the Beta near Haru. "You going to never speak again to anyone who you're not ready to love? Shall I see myself out?"

Given a second chance, the heavily damaged Shiranui compensates for its lack of legs by thrusting along the ground backward.  This wouldn't last long, but Haru was too focused to let herself die to scrub BETA.

"What are you even talking about? This has nothing to do with me loving or not loving.  This is about betrayal.  Are you just messing with me? It's not the time, okay?"

"He betrayed you by liking you too much?"

"Like and Love are two entirely different things!  You don't just like someone so hard that it suddenly levels up into love!"

"That's a pretty strict definition of love... But I digress. Just seems a shame to see your partnership end this way."

"Shame.  Your word.  Fucking sucks is mine, but yeah."

"Still determined to hide in here over this?"

"Maybe if I kill a million BETA I'll reach an epiphany."

"Virtual Beta"

"You wanna call the real things over?"

"No, I want a pony. And one of those giant teddy bears. So, what sort of new look were you thinking of anyways?"

Haru is silent for an uncomfortably long time after Claudia's question.  She focuses on fighting, and getting used to the ways she needs to adjust her usual moves in a damaged mech.  This, too, is important practice.

Eventually, she says, "If you kill a thousand BETA I'll tell you.  Take your time~"

"A thousand huh? NO PROBLEM!" And Claudia proceeds to rain fire on all manner of beta, forgoing quality for quantity. She seems very fired up by this challenge... Or perhaps the reward.

## Claudia and Ken, shortly after

Claudia stuck around long enough to hear more from Haru about how the trouble started, but Haru was so determined to be mad at Ken that staying with her all day wasn't going to help. As he is not responding to messages Claudia check his quarters. She knocks on the door and says, "Ken, you around?"

No response comes from within, but a heavy, crushing wave of guilt emanates from within the room.

Claudia opens the door and looks inside.

The room is dark, but Ken's slumped form is visible on the bed. The bed has been made, and is still relatively wrinkle-free, indicating that Ken's barely moved since he landed on it. His eyes are open, and he seems to be looking at something past the corner of the room. Ken's gaze rolls towards Claudia for a moment, not entirely focusing on her but acknowledging her presence, then returns to staring into the corner.

Claudia shakes her head in disbelief, says "I'm coming in," and sits on an open spot on the bed. "Rough day?"

Recognizing Claudia, Ken attempts to suppress the guilt he's feeling in order not to expose her to it, but his inability to do that only makes him feel more guilty. "I hurt Haru..." he explains in a low murmur, figuring the best way to get Claudia away from him as soon as possible is to do what she wants.

"That dumbass hurt herself!" She yells.

Ken shakes his head almost imperceptibly. "That's why I couldn't hold it back any more... I just wanted so badly to... stop her from hurting herself, that I acted out of desperation... And I showed her part of myself I never should have... I was a monster, after all..."

"Ah yes, a horrible monster with something called 'feelings'. Those are dangerous you know! Seriously though, you don't understand women do you? Not that Haru is easy to get even if you do..."

"If there's one thing I've learned since we came back to this side, it's that I don't understand people in general half as well as I thought I did..." He closes his eyes and sighs, but the conversation seems to be distracting him a little, and his mood improves slightly.

"That's a lifelong project right there, and that applies to me as well. Looking inward for the moment though... you want stronger bonds huh?"

This takes him so much by surprise that he actually smiles slightly. "Of course I want stronger bonds. Who doesn't? My bonds are everything about me... they're what give me strength, give me purpose. Without them I'd be nothing... just a wanderer, unwanted by anyone. I couldn't bear going back to that..."

"Return to dust~" She says flatly as she leans over and puts her weight into elbowing Ken in the gut.

"Urmph!" Ken can muster no effort to defend and so feels the full weight of Claudia's elbow directly. He doubles over, clutching his gut and coughing. "What was... That for..."

"Bonds are things you share with people. Since you don't understand them I'm confiscating them~"

Being in a suggestible state of mind, this comment hits Ken harder than it otherwise might and he suddenly looks Claudia straight in the face. Though he'd thought he was out of tears, he's crying tears of fear now. "Please don't take them away... I can't bear to be alone again..."

"Ah, I broke him." She says as she gets up and lets Ken go. "You were supposed to laugh you oaf. Guess I've still got my work cut out for me understanding people... You've heard the expression 'it takes two to tango'? Think a bit more about your friend, lover, bondmate, whoever before you change the game on them, geeze..."

Ken sits up and turns away for a moment, drying his tears and trying to get back some semblance of composure. "I told her I didn't want to get in her way... I never wanted nor expected anything from her... I just wanted her to know that she was still loved..."

"But, hat wasn't what she wanted! She wanted your friendship so she started getting all sorts of weird ideas when you suggested going outside of that. If she wasn't being such a brat about it it would actually be endearing that she cares enough about you to be this mad for going outside of the happy place you two had. All you are guilty of is being a bit  full of yourself and misreading the situation."

"Being too full of myself, huh... I've heard that a lot recently. I've always thought of myself as having a low opinion of... myself, so even though I must accept it if people say it's true, I have no idea how to fix it... And it's not like I expected her to jump into my arms or anything... I just... wanted to do something to ease her pain, and I couldn't think of any other way..."

"You see, that's it. Like you said you have no idea how to fix it. You're so hopelessly lost you need a hint: sometimes the answer is 'nothing'."

Ken puts his left hand over his face and sighs deeply. "Nothing was the one thing I absolutely couldn't do... At that moment, seeing how much pain she was in, just doing nothing and letting her suffer wasn't an option for me... I had to try and do something, even if it was useless, or it would have destroyed me as a person."

"Really now, I said it was a hint, not the answer. What kind of teacher would I be if I didn't make you figure it out?"

"Even if I figure out the answer now, what use would it be..." Rubbing his forehead, Ken looks down and away from Claudia. "That look she gave me... she'll probably never forgive me. And I can't blame her in the least..."

"So determined to be a martyr and take all the blame? And here I was hoping you could make her some to her senses on this nonsense." Claudia gets up and walks to the door. "Taking one for the team isn't always the answer and you've taken so many for Haru already. This is a problem between you two, but if you both don't even try to fix it I will be very disappointed, in both of you."

Ken looks up at Claudia. "I'll... try. If you really think I'm not to blame, than the least I can do is try. But I don't know if I'll be able to fix things the way they were before... I don't know if she'll ever trust me again."

"When broken bones are mended they are actually strong than before. Nature is an excellent teacher. Now, Haru still needs time to cool her head, but don't sit on this too long. And don't keep putting up with her bullshit either. See ya~" She waves and leaves.

## Haru and Ted, late afternoon of the same day

She's unbelievably restless. Her body is so tired, but there's no way she could sleep.  That self-loathing that had been simmering beneath the surface... she finally opened the lid to show it to someone and they immediately dropped a damn bomb inside.

"Hey, Anemone!" She shouts at first, as usual forgetting she can just talk normally.  "Can you tell me who on the ship drinks the most?  Who could I go to for a drinking partner?"

"Besides Sana and her fascination with green tea, I'm going to assume you mean alcohol," as usual, a bodiless voice begins to speak out of nowhere. It comes from Haru's side, and Haru gets the impression that Anemone is giving her a sidelong glance... somehow, "in which case, you'd be looking for Ted. He's actually drinking right now, on the viewing balcony."

Ted, huh... she’d never been particularly close with him. But they’d both lost someone, and maybe if anybody could understand how isolated she feels right now...

“Thanks, Anemone,” she remembers to say. Then as she starts moving, she adds, “don’t judge me.”

Haru makes her way to the viewing deck as fast as her sore, tired body will allow. It was less obvious inside the ship, but as soon as the smell of the air hit her nose, Haru was filled with a profound uneasiness. She’d just been on Earth a few weeks ago, after all, but in an entirely different world. It was weird. Even having gone there and come back, it was still weird.

Oh well. One more thing to forget. “Oi, Ted,” she calls out. “Sorry to crash your party, but everything sucks. Can I join you?”

"Well I already knew that," Ted shrugs as he gulps down a can of beer, puts it to the side, and opens another can. As Ted does so, Haru notices what must be a dozen cans at least littered nearby, "can't say I expected this, but having someone to drink with isn't bad."

The Nuada was currently floating on the waters of the Atlantic Ocean, making a slow, steady cruise towards the coordinates given to Aegis by Wei and Taw earlier. The teams to descent had been entirely uneventful, but the sight of the Sun against the blue sky felt like something they'd last seen a long time ago, even when it had only been a little over 2 weeks...

Haru sits down at Ted’s side and opens a beer. At this rate, the last of the supply they’d brought from the other side would be gone, and it would be back to the crappy synthetic stuff until they got to a proper colony. Earth had other priorities. But that was a worry for another day.

Haru raised the can to her lips and stared out at the sun and clear sky. Come to think of it, she’d had a talk with Ken about the valuable remaining supplies from the other world. The thought causes her to squeeze the can, almost making herself to choke.

Everything kept coming back to him.

Haru drank in silence for several minutes, just breathing the fresh air and letting her brain rest as much as possible. This world was beyond fucked up, but this was one thing we have over the other world. The air smells better here. Just a lot less pollution, or a lot fewer people in general.

After she finishes her first can, she reaches for a second and is surprised to find it takes her two tries to grab it. Was she really feeling it that quickly?  Maybe it makes sense. Her metabolism had to be in overdrive after that marathon endurance session, so the alcohol was probably pumping around at record speed.

“Ted,” she finally says to break the silence, “that uh... thing you do. The, dark, power or whatever. It’s kinda cool, I guess. How’d that start?” She looks at him, her face already entirely flushed red. She’s not even sure if he even still does that, but she doesn’t know what else to say.

"I was going to say if you want any of the good stuff, you'll have to go through the Captain or the lunch lady, but... I guess you don't need it," Ted drops another can, having finished it already it, and reaches for another. Noticably, his coordination is completely fine, despite the now more than a dozen cans on the ground, "... Blood the Great, huh... feels like it's been forever since I last called myself that. I'm out of practice..."

Ted sips on his third can since Haru joined him slowly. He leans backwards over the railings, looking up at the sky.

"... I don't have a lot of talents. Or at least, not many I could brag about. Anything I was even slightly good at, sis was better. Didn't matter how hard I tried. But that just meant people would just compare me to her, and pay attention to her more than me... until they just stopped comparing and only looked at my sister."

"Our parents, our friends and family, they all stopped looking at me, and just paid attention to Tetra..." Ted turned to Haru, still leaning back, "funny thing was, the only person who'd still give me the time of day was sis, so I couldn't even hate her for it. But that didn't mean I didn't get sick and tired of being ignored, you know? And since sis was the only one really talking to me at the time, I didn't have anyone else to confide in. When I told her, you know what she said? 'Then just make it so they have to acknowledge you'. I was 12, and I had no idea what the hell she meant."

He stops leaning over to continue drinking his beer. Gulping it down, he throws it over to the rest of the pile, and then popping open another can, "but I started coming up with my own ideas. I started being as loud as I could, doing stupid things--and I did a lot of stupid things--and eventually I figured out the best way to make sure they looked at me: making a fool out of myself and embarrassing them. They may not have liked me, but they sure as hell couldn't ignore me anymore. And I guess, somewhere along the way, I made up another persona for myself, started calling him Blood the Great."

The story catches Haru off guard, and sends her in a nostalgic spiral. She wonders if Shunka has ever felt overlooked or whatever. Granted, their parents were distant to both of them, but what about the public? What’s it like when your sibling, your twin is basically a celebrity? Shunka has always been so happy for her, at least, to her face. Was there something deeper? Did she maybe resent Haru, deep down?

“Was it worth it, you think? I’m worried my own sister went and did something stupid... do you, you know... regret it?”

Haru has already slowed down her drinking. There’s no need for the good stuff for her.

"I do, yeah," he answers frankly, "but only because I ended up making trouble for sis without meaning too. I didn't find out until later, but apparently our parents blamed Tetra for me acting the way I did. She never let me know until years later, but by then it was too late for me to do anything, since our parents died in the war."

Fourth can down, and now on to the fifth. By Haru's count of the cans littered on the ground, this is at least his 17th one, but he showed no signs of being drunk or tipsy.

"... So? What's eating you? You don't strike me as the type to normally be drinking your worries away, so obviously something's up..."

“One vice to another, I guess. Already worked my body to the breaking point but it’s still not enough.” Haru sighs loudly, looks at her can, then chugs the rest at once. Her grimace is profound, as she’s a casual drinker at best, but she immediately reaches for a third.

“I did something stupid. Overreacted, or maybe it’s more... acted like a child. I don’t even know what the right thing is, cause I spent my—“

She realizes it and stops mid sentence. She stares at Ted before continuing slowly. “I spent my life playing a certain role, and lived it so much... it was me. Or, I was it? If there’s a difference. I don’t know.”

Haru takes another big drink, then jumps to her feet. She’s a little unsteady, but grabs the railing before anything terrible happens. She looks back at the nice view and clears her throat, then announces in alternating (slurred) voices, “Shuuto Yamada is the lonely ace of The Twins! He’s never been seen with a girl.”

“I hear he gets mountains of love letters from fans, but won’t read them at all.”

“Nobody knows whether Shuuto is hiding a secret lover, but if so, there’s been no evidence for years.”

She shakes her head. “It was such a regular part of the stories,” she says in her normal voice, “that Coach suggested we just let the rumors grow. It took heat off the truth. But the rumors weren’t baseless, I really did never get close to anyone. I couldn’t! No matter if I’d wanted to, I absolutely couldn’t because it would’ve meant risking everything. So... I just... don’t know how to handle this stuff. Love. Relationships.”

She reassures Ted, or maybe herself, “what I have with Vee is different though. It’s always broken all rules of logic. I guess what I can’t handle is someone doing it the normal way. Just... fucking... falling in love with me. God. Fuck.”

Haru finishes her drink. She’s already quite drunk.

"I've been 'pretending' to be Blood the Great for 10 years, and I'm not sure how much of it is pretend anymore," Ted admits in relation to Haru, "it's as much a part of my life as my sister, Aegis, my job as a navigation pilot are."

He pauses for a moment, letting Haru's words sink in more as he thought about it, "... so I'm taking a leap of faith here, but going by what you said, I take it that idiot Ken finally confessed his feelings for you. Everyone could see it, especially after he and Tim broke up, and with Vee... gone. The guy's obsessed with you."

Haru groans exaggeratedly. "Yes.  Idiot Ken did that.  Was this really so obvious?"  She hangs her head back, frustrated at the situation, angry at herself.  "How blind was I? Like, is it just immature to think two people can be super close friends?  Honestly... I wish I could get advice from Tetra.  She always seemed like she had shit figured out, no matter what it was."

"Yeah... thanks for the reminder that she's not here," he replies darkly, but slowly shakes his head as he downs another can and opens up another, "even Vee knew, you know. It was super obvious. The guy hangs on to your every word and won't even look at any body else. You heard, didn't you? As soon as you left Aegis, Ken did too. This place means nothing to him without you."

"Sure, you were kinda stupid not to have noticed, but I think it's his fault too, for not being able to keep it in his pants," Ted speaks with displeasure, his disdain for Ken becoming increasingly obvious, "here's the thing: I don't think you two were actually close friends."

Ted looks at Haru straight in the eye. His expression is controlled and stoic, "if you two were friends, that meant you two were equals. You were never equals, as far as I saw. You two are good teammates, but not friends. I think you two are more like master and servant."

"He keeps indulging you, and you give him something to do. That ain't an equal relationship. That's just dependancy at its worst."

"Even for all the good that might've come from you two being together, you were never helping each other. You were only making each other worse."

Ted cut through all of Haru's defenses in a flash. Perhaps more than any other person in her life, he'd seen right through her.  She's caught completely unprepared, and can't even muster any defiance or opposition.  Not in these circumstances.  He was completely, utterly right about her.  About her and Ken.  Their relationship.

She stumbles backward, already near the ledge, and grabs on tight to support herself.  Shaking her head slowly, she tries to process all this.  Never equals.  Never friends.  How did all this start?  They were training partners as far back as Sidney.  Or... wait, no, that wasn't it at first.  She had been training him, basically.  It was her running sessions, and he came along.  Everything else had come from that.  Their sparring... always her egging him on.  The whole thing with the shield?  She'd yelled at him about it so many times.  They'd had fights over it.  She demanded he find his own path.  Time and again, that path would just be right behind her again.

...And she let it happen.

No.  She relied upon it.  She needed him.  Whatever he was getting out of their relationship, she had been getting something too.  Calling it friendship was a joke, she can see now.

Keep me on the right path, Ken.  How selfish. Stupid.

Haru moves to snag a new beer, opens it, and drinks it on the spot.  She nearly chokes, and some beer streams down the sides of her mouth and onto her hoodie, but she ignores it.  She needs to stop feeing her brain, immediately.  As soon as the can is empty, she runs to the edge of the deck, away from Ted, and throws it off, then screams incoherently out at the sun.  She screams and screams, her voice running ragged, tears finally pouring down when they wouldn't fall before.

It was easier when she could just be mad at Ken, but it was now painfully clear that even that was her narcissistic vanity at play.  She'd told him she hated herself, and in a sense it was true, but now there was something else.  Haru is disappointed in herself.  The hate and disappointment combine and Haru feels, for the first time in her life, that she wants to die.

Not that she wants to kill herself.  Just that she wants to not be alive anymore, a fundamental difference.  She hadn't just made a single mistake, here.  She feels like everything that makes her who she is today is a series of compounded mistakes, and that sentiment is overwhelming.

She holds onto the railing, unable to scream anymore, her voice raspy, her face red and puffy, her knees scraping the deck. What is forward from here?  Is it even fair to move forward when you've only gotten as far as you are... by using someone?

Ted's taken by surprise when Haru begins screaming her lungs out. The twangs of guilt rippled in his chest. But he doesn't make any sort of move to comfort her, offer soothing words to make her feel better. After all, it was his words that made her like this. He didn't have that right. Ted Irvings did not have that right.

But.

Someone else did.

He sighed quietly, crushing his empty can in his hand with ease. Not even a buzz had come to him after all those drinks. Something in him had changed. Was changing.

But that was just perfect. That meant it wasn't just fool's talk anymore...

"FUHAHAHAHA!" Boisterous laughter came to him easily. Even after months of forgoing the act, it was as easy and natural as breathing. It truly was a part of him, "foolish mortal, I know not what ails you. But I assure you, whatever they may be, your worries are worthless!"

Drowning in her own despair, Haru didn't think anything could snap her out of this one.  But Blood the Great is no ordinary man.  She glances over at him and everything has changed from his previous somber appearance. His entire presence looms larger.  He's powerful.

He's cool.

Haru slowly climbs to her feet, grasping at the railing.  Her head is spinning and she'll probably have to throw up before too long, but for now she summons up the strength she has left and, with a raspy voice, answers, "You know nothing of my... plight! You, you, pretender to the throne of darkness! The scope of my... I mean, my uh..."  She shakes her head a few times, then tries again.  "I'm far too powerful to stumble at a time like this.  You just saw -- err, witnessed, a great ritual of cleansing! This frees up my... latent... extra... power..."

She's floundering, and reaches for anything to finish.  "Thank you for assisting in my ritual.  I will journey forth from here, alone...!"

There's a hint of a smile on her face, but she's doing her best to play it straight. And despite herself, she does feel just a little bit better.

"HAH!" Blood the Great barks out more laughter, "you are a confused human, but that just makes this all the more entertaining for an immortal such as I."

Blood the Great gazes mockingly at Haru... but in that gaze is fairness. He looks down on all, equally. This is just another folly of humankind, nothing more, nothing less.

"Stumbling is the specialty of you foolish mortals," his voice booms over the deck, "humanity can hardly move a few steps before tripping over their own feet. It is greatest entertainment for immortals. But even for a being who transcends humanity, there is one thing I admire in your short-lived, foolish race. It is that no matter how many times humanity stumbles, they continue to get back up."

"That's right!" Haru yells, stumbling toward him, totally caught up in it now.  "I'll never lose, not to BETA, not to Pyrrha, and definitely not to... personal stuff! The only one who can beat me is me, and I refuse to lose to myself!" At some point she stopped pretending and just became actually inspired.

"Hmph," Blood smirks at Haru, "spoken as a true, foolish human. But I suppose even I must admit, being foolish is not always bad."

He crosses his arms over his chest, a hint of approval in his eyes, "I knew not what ailed you, but they must truly have been petty, inconsequential thoughts. Instead of cradling the remains your ego, cast it to the side."

"And after that, I'm sure you will know what to do. Stumbling may be humanity's speciality, but it is in their nature to act."

Haru takes a few breaths in and out, eyes blazing defiantly, then nods once.  She turns from Blood to run back into the ship, and almost immediately trips and faceplants as she's way too drunk to be trying something like this.  She climbs back to her feet, and without even turning back toward Blood, she says loudly, "Stumbling is my specialty! But it's in my nature to act!" Then she's through the door and back in the ship.

When all is said and done, she doesn't actually feel like she understands what to do any better than before.  But somehow, for some reason, she doesn't feel depressed about it anymore.  Regardless of what happens, she'll just deal with it and move forward.

As Blood the Great... no, Ted watches Haru stumble away, he lets out a long sigh.

"What the hell am I doing..." He walks over to he previous spot, amidst the clutter of beer cans, "I'm in no position to be cheering people up..."

Ted pops open another can, taking a swig of the beer. As he lowers it from his mouth, he glances at the near twenty-or-so cans on the ground, "man... what I wouldn't do for even just a buzz right now..."

## Ken and Tim, several hours later

The suit is intricate and well done, almost professional quality. It matches the exact image Tim had in his mind.

Unfortunately, the ears don't go quite as well. They're certainly wearable, and they resemble some sort of animal ears, but... what animal is this again? Cat? Squirrel? Dog? Raccoon...? Tim's not sure anymore.

Tim gives a satisfied whistle as he admires his completed suit. "Still got it magic man." He  then turns to his other project and gives a very guitly look. "Still a work in progress, but I'll get you to where I want you to be... promise." He then puts them on his head, as another form of apology." While he gets up from the desk in his room, he recieves a message from Ken.

"Tim, are you free at the moment? I'm going crazy from stress and I really need some kind of distraction or I'm going to lose my mind..."

"Yeah, just got done with something. I'll be right outside my room."

The past few hours have been nerve-wracking for Ken. He's been putting his all into trying to figure out a way to fix the mess he caused, but he's unable to think of anything foolproof because he can't come close to predicting how Haru will react. "What a fool I've been... She was this important to me and I never really tried to understand her... I just reacted to everything she did, everything she was, and put her on a pedestal as if she was my own personal god... Forget being in love with her, I hardly even deserve to call myself her friend."

Just then, his phone beeps, Tim's response to the message he sent. "Oh, thank goodness..." Ken practically leaps to his feet and runs out of his room and away from his own agitated, almost manic mood. He nearly runs smack-dab into Tim, and as he gets a good look at him whatever he was going to say is sent entirely out of his mind, and a slight blush rises to his cheeks. "I-- those-- that's-- you look adorable. What is that?"

"Adorable?" Tim then realizes he is still wearing the ears. "They are.. a set of ears Claudia got on Aries. I have been trying to get them to be emotive, but somehow along the way lost what animal they were. Still a work in progress." Through all the explaining for some reason Ken's blush makes him blush as well.

"I see... I actually wanted to get your help with something. You're responsible for creating that PI place, right? I wanted to use it for a--" his eyes flick up to Tim's ears again, "--pet project of my own, but I was having trouble getting it to simulate what I wanted. And I also wanted to ask you about using it for other things, like medical training. We still don't have a ship's doctor, and the nurses are badly overworked... and everyone keeps telling me I have a big ego, and if I can't do anything about that then I need to start developing some skills to back it up with."

"It was made together with Vee." Tim says matter of factly.  "In terms of medical training, can make a simple body construct with working organs, though medical supplies will have to come from outside the simulation. Luckily I have installed some sections to hold... props and the like." He holds on to the suit a little bit tighter as he prepares for any answer. "I guess the other thing to ask is,. what is this pet project?"

Ken looks around as he tries to think of some way to avoid answering the question, and when he meets Tim's gaze again his blush has returned. "It's... well, it's a sword. I've always kind of been enamored with them, I bought one during my time at NERV and spent a good amount of time practicing with it. And recent events have made me painfully aware that my Hakkyoku-ken just won't cut it against the kind of enemies we've been facing. But I'm still dedicated to the principles which my martial arts represent, so not just any sword will do-- it has to be well-balanced enough that I can use the back side to defeat my foes non-lethally if the situation calls for it." He starts to feel as though he's been babbling, and abruptly shuts his mouth, his blush deepening.

Tim gives a audible sigh of relief. It was only a sword, not some death training or something crazy like that. He notices Ken just kind of frozen there and gives him a push on the back, taking them to PI. "You have been accounting for mass, material, weight, sharpness of blade, guard wrappings.. right?"

Ken takes note of Tim's sigh, and idly wonders to himself as he follows what Tim might have been expecting. "That's what I wanted to get your help with, actually. I have a ...feeling... in my mind, but I don't know how to translate that into numbers the computer will accept."

"I think I can help with that, if you are willing to share that feeling with me." Tim ponders slightly. "So is this a sword for you, the suit, or both?"

"A sword for... the Morgan?" Ken raises one eyebrow contemplatively. "I like the idea... quite a bit, in fact... but for now it's just for me. When I'm used enough to the sword that it becomes like a part of my body, then we can think about making something bigger."

"Of course." When they finally arrive Tim gives a look to his suit. "Give me..three minutes. Then you can come in." Before Ken answers Tim enters PI and shuts the door.

"Now h--" The door shuts in Ken's face, and he's left ouside with his thoughts once again. "Dammit, Tim, this isn't what I asked for..." He sits down to wait and immediately, as expected, his thoughts turn to Haru.  What's most important is that their friendship be preserved in some fashion... if she wants nothing more to do with him, then he'll lose the means to move forward. He feels sure enough that he can withstand his heart being broken, if it comes down to it. Like this, three minutes pass in silence with Ken running and re-running possibilities in his head, getting more and more worked up.

After the three minutes the door opens up. Ken is greeted with the sight of... a bar? Shining curved counter with stools and chairs. Behind the counter is Tim wearing his newly made bartender suit. He is cleaning a glass, and looks up to Ken. He sets down the glass and spreads his arms. "Welcome, to Avalon."

Ken is silent as he strides into the room and takes everything in. He admires Tim's sharply-dressed form, and after a moment, smirks and comments, "Avalon, eh? Not quite the style of sword I had in mind..."

"A sword." Tim raises a eyebrow. "Avalon is a paradise for weary minds, to talk and drink away. Though honestly wouldn't mind making a real bar, this saves on materials for the time being. A test so to speak." Tim realizes he was rambling a little. "Anyway, what kind of style where you thinking about?"

"Ahh, this does seem to be a paradise for some, but you forget that Avalon is also the forging place of that most famous of swords." Ken taps the side of his nose knowingly. "But I was speaking more of an eastern-style blade, something a bit lighter and quicker."

"So more a katana." He eyes Ken with his golden eye. "A lighter material yet still has some oomph.." He reaches under the counter, and pulls out a long thin blade. It shines in the light. "Let us try a 2 feet blade and see if that length works for you."

As he sees the blade come out, Ken raises an eyebrow and tilts his head to the side slightly. "Well, well, I suppose I should have expected no less from the master of this domain..."

Reaching out, he takes the sword in his left hand and moves through a slow form, mixing sword slashes and hilt thrusts with his own Hakkyoku-ken moves. At one point he almost cuts his hand, and he clicks his tongue. "Hmm... It's about the right length, but the balance is too far up the blade, I need it to be slightly closer to the hilt so I can use it more effectively one-handed." He sets the sword back on the counter. "Can you adjust the balance down about two and a half inches... and give me a sheath as well? I can't really test out my drawing techniques effectively unless I have one."

"As you wish." He takes the sword and puts it under the counter. "So you said you practiced with a sword when you were at NERV?" Tim asks while concentrating on the blade.

"Yeah, that's right..." Ken leans over the bar and smiles at Tim. "It wasn't custom-made or anything, just something that I picked up one day on a whim. But I had enough free time to practice that it was starting to feel natural..." He leans back slightly, closes his eyes, still smiling, and shrugs. "I'm far from a master swordsman, but it seems to suit me, and hopefully the novelty of using a sword will make up for any deficiencies in my technique until I can refine it a little more."

Tim looks down the length of the sword. "I'm glad you are not giving up your martial arts, together could be quite... dangerous." Tim begins to create the sheath. "I wouldn't mind seeing it firsthand, but I'm more accustomed to using a wrench then a sword....though guess a axe might work."

"No, a mace... yeah a mace."

"A wrench... you say?" Ken turns away from the bar and reaches out with his right hand, gripping an imaginary weapon. He draws his hand back and delivers a downward strike, then two quick horizontal swings. "You might not have been that far off with an axe... using a hatchet might suit you well."

"As a sparring partner, it could work Though if we are, I'm switching out of this. I'm quite attached to it already." He motions to his suit. He sets the blade done on the counter. "That should be what you want, and if it is.. with the proper materials later we can make this a reality."

Taking the blade, Ken steps away from the counter once again. He slips the sheath through his belt and begins to run through his form again. It seems to go noticably smoother than before, and when he reaches the place where he left off last time he begins to hold the sword in both hands and deliver a barrage of aggressive slashes. Sheathing the sword once again, he performs his usual shoulder tackle, and when the motion is finished he pushes off the ground with his right foot and smoothly draws the sword, sweeping it through the air in front of him. He returns the sword to its sheath and walks back to the counter. "You've outdone yourself, Tim... as you say we'll need to decide on the exact materials later, but you've managed to create a weapon that's extremely suited to me much quicker than I had hoped for. You really understand me well..." He smiles again at Tim, though the smile has a rueful edge as if he's chastising himself for his own lack of understanding of others.

"I made sure to listen while we were together." He goes over to a compartment and pulls out a bottle and sets it on the counter. "I'm still willing to listen, if you want to tell me what is on your mind."

Ken directs a level gaze at Tim, considering his proposal for a moment, and then goes and sits at the bar. "You can put that poison away, there's no need for that." He sighs. "I've been such a fool, Tim... Haru opened her heart to me and showed me how much she'd been hurting. And that made me temporarily crazy... For some reason, I chose that moment to tell her about how I feel, as if that in and of itself would heal all her wounds."

Ken grits his teeth, resting his elbows on the bar and lets his head fall forward, grasping the back of his head with his hands. "But instead, my love was caustic, and only ended up hurting her further... I foolishly shattered everything we built up, and now I have to figure out some kind of way to try and put the pieces back together again."

"If it was so easy to crumble, maybe you should build it up as something different." Tim pours a drink and sets in front of Ken. "I'm no expert on this by any means, but I think.. hell I'm not quite sure." Tim pours a glass for himself and swigs it down. "Despite her moments of fragility, Haru is quite strong with a bit of a push. You are too, I think you two will become better from this... and I'm quite curious what will happen next."

Ken feels a bit rankled by Tim making it sounding like his life is some cheesy soap opera, but pushes that aside and choses to focus on the first half of the sentence. "Build it up as something different? When our friendship is what's important to her? Tim, I love you like a brother," that I sometimes sleep with, he doesn't add, "but you might be the last person I'd take relationship advice from." He puts his hands on Tim's shoulders and kisses him on the cheek to show there's no hard feelings.

"That is why I'm floundering at this a bit..." Tim takes another drink. "You two are very important to me, and I want to help... but not sure how." Tim pushes the glass a little farther to Ken. "I originally was going to use this to celebrate you two being back in my life, then was having a family again, a late birthday toast." Tim gives a chuckles as he looks at his glass. "Bartender drinking more than the customer, I should be fired." He sets down the glass. "You two, aren't going to leave again... right." His tone almost sounds a bit childish.

Fixing the glass with an expression of consternation, Ken grasps it... but then pushes it back across the counter. "Tim, sorry, but don't ask me to drink this right now. I really need to keep my head clear so I can completely think through everything and don't end up doing something I'll regret again." He heaves a deep sigh. "As for whether or not we'll leave... honestly, that's what scares me more than anything else right now. I might have made Haru feel like she doesn't have a place here... but whether or not I'm here, this is where she belongs. This ship is her best shot at being reunited with Vee and Shunka again. So if she leaves, and I couldn't possibly blame her if she does... I'll have to go after her. It's my responsibility for screwing things up as thoroughly as I did... Claudia made me extremely aware of that."

Tim drinks Ken's glass and puts them away. "Not welcome here? Being welcome here isn't the problem, seems more finding a place of peace." He looks closely at Ken. "It seems you are lost more than ever. Ken, can I ask... is that sword to fight for someone, or fight for yourself?"

Ken gives Tim a puzzled look. "Fight for myself? I wouldn't even know how to begin... I have nothing to fight for except to protect others." He smiles as if to himself. "You could say that I am the sword... the weapon is merely an extension of my will."

Tim goes over to a compartment and changes his clothes back. "So you need someone to protect to fight?" He materializes his hatchet. "Let me test this  so call will then." He turns around and readies his hatchet. "Fight me without anyone to protect!"

Ken studies Tim's face for a long moment, trying to understand his intentions... but fails to come up with anything. He places his sword on the counter and turns his back on Tim. "...I refuse. I don't want to hurt anyone needlessly."

"So I just need to make you...If I need to play the part...so be it." He takes a swing at Ken. "Show me you can fight for yourself. That you want to live!"

Ken makes no effort to dodge, but the wild swing clangs uselessly off the counter next to Ken. He turns and looks Tim in the eye again. "Do you have your answer? Or are you going to continue?"

"I'm going to continue, tell I see someone who values their life... and can stand on their own two goddamn feet." Tim points his hatchet at Ken. "Show me you are worthy of that sword!"

"Ah, I see," Ken replies in an almost disinterested tone. "Go on, then."

Tim yells as loud as he can."God dammit you idiot.You don't need Haru to survive." He gets up close to Ken. "What happened with you getting things straight at NERV? You get back here and make a mistake and it is right back to I am a monster." He gives a sigh. "Have you ever thought that this is just everything boiing over, with Vee being gone, and Aries, and you just happened to have been the person at that breaking point." He leans on the counter. "Did you know Haru isn't too fond of people touching her? I don't know the reason but it was very noticable when I grabbed her hand at Sana's."

"I... don't..." Wincing, Ken puts a hand to his head. He feels as if his thoughts and emotions are going haywire. Thoughts of how it's yet another thing he failed to notice butt heads against his memory of the time he held Haru as she cried a few months after liberating Sanc. A tear falls from his eye, and he shuts his eyes and clutches his temple with both of his hands. "I don't... understand... I don't know what I should do... I don't know how to make things right... I don't know how to move forward from this..."

"Making things right? Ken,  it sounds like you are afraid on taking this new path?" He places a hand on Ken's head. "Well for one, you are not alone. We will be pushing and tugging you forward. Secondly, you make it sound like your relationship is over. It is salvageable, just not to the degree it was before. I don't think Mr Shield has to exist anymore. I rather see the man Ken Surutoga become something of his own will."

"My own will? MY OWN WILL?" Ken breaks into a laugh, a laugh with more than a hint of the unhinged in it. "Tim, I never realized you had such a great sense of humour! What is it with you and Claudia both telling me to value myself more... Ever since I was a child I've never been anything more than the son of a traitor and a murderer. All I ever lived for was making other people's lives better, in hopes of maybe repaying a bit of my father's debt. And then I became a monster, too... and that was comfortable for me! That felt right! I was a monster, and Haru was the one with her hand on my leash... And now you want me to have my own will, to forge my own path! What an amazing joke! As if I had even the first idea how to want something for myself..."

"Ken, you are never a burden. Thing is I can tell you that till I'm blue in the face and won't mean a damn thing. Until you believe it yourself." Tim leans on the counter again. "If I'm following this right you have never once in your life had there been a moment where every fiber in your being yells that it wants to keep existing, and to fight to do so?"

Furiously, Ken whirls on Tim. "That's absolutely right!! All I ever wanted was to die protecting someone, until I met Haru. Until I was useful for her! What the hell would I ever want to live for? Aside from how much I can help people, there's not an iota of worth in my existence!"

"I want you to live, can that count... a little?" Tim looks to Ken. "I wanted that when I met you, when we were together, and still do. I'll put value on you, when you see nothing." He gives a small smile.

"Hyahahahaha!" Ken laughs again, a caustic, bitter sound. "Oh, Tim, you really are rich. First it's 'You should want something for yourself' but as soon as you find out what kind of person I really am it's back to relying on others, huh?"

"I don't think you quite know the person you are, and guess I don't either."

"Clearly... I didn't know myself... Was I ever really in love with Haru, or did I just want her to need me...?" Seeming drained, Ken staggers to the nearest wall and slumps against it, staring off into space.

Tim feels drained and walks out of PI. He wanders the halls unfocused.

After Ken staggers back to his room, he catches a look at himself in the mirror. He's a mess, his hair is tangled and there are tear streaks running down his face. He starts to run a brush through his hair, but that suddenly seems like it's not worth the effort any more, so he goes over to his dresser and takes out a pair of scissors. He roughly gathers up most of the hair coming off of the back of his head, leaving a few strands in the front, and hacks it off with the scissors. Then he splashes some water on his face and looks at himself in the mirror again.

Yes. That looks much better.

## The next day

Sana organizes a training event, and Haru and Ken end up on the same team. She tries to throw herself into the battle and act as a leader, but Ken is having a much harder time of things. In the climactic moment, they're able to act as a team like always, but as soon as the simulation is finished he leaves without a word.

## The following day

The morning after the battle against the machine ghosts of Platinum Lion, Ken slinks somewhat shamefully into the gym at around the time he's used to meeting Haru there. It's clear from his face that he's still feeling pretty awkward. Besides returning any greeting Haru gives him he doesn't say much for the first ten or fifteen minutes, but he eventually musters the courage to speak. "As much as I'd like to forget everything that happened and let things go back to the way they were before... I just can't. There are things I need to tell you... I owe you a proper explanation, for one thing."

In the gym, Haru was already running when Ken arrived.  She had earbuds in, though, as opposed to the way they used to talk while exercising.  Haru always said you should be able to have a conversation while exerting yourself, and if you can't, you're pushing too hard.  It's your body's natural gauge.

When she does notice Ken, she gives him a polite nod and tries to keep a steady face.  She's really not ready for this.  She thought she was.  She got through it in the simulators the day before, mostly because there were things she could focus on.  But now, here?

She turns up the volume until all noise from the room is completely drowned out by Jasmine's song.  At this level, she can't even hear her own thoughts. That's the point. She worries too much about these things, and just needs to... throw her ego to the side, right?

Eventually Ken tries to speak to her.  It takes a few moments for her to notice, and when she pulls out the earbuds, all she hears is "I owe you a proper explanation, for one thing."  She shakes her head.

"We both have something to say, but mine is definitely stupider and more selfish, so maybe I should go first."

Ken exhales slowly through his nose and makes a somewhat troubled face, thinking for a few moments. "I can't stand situations like these... it feels like we're at some sort of crossroads, and if we don't handle this right things could go completely off the rails and our fates could end up headed in some strange, wrong direction. But... if you want to, you go ahead and go first. What I have to say can wait."

She briefly wonders if it’s right to go first like this, then throws those worries aside. She steps away from her treadmill and approaches Ken.

“Alright, open and honest. As you already know, I have a lot of baggage.” She smiles, as she’s told Ken a lot of these stories before. “All of the weirdness of my situation caused stress to build up over time, and for years Shunka was my outlet for that. I could complain to her, honestly, and she’d hit me back with sarcastic stuff and kinda mock me... in a good way?” Saying it out loud, it kind of sounds like she used to bully Haru, but it was definitely more of a give and take. “Anyway, separated from her I found you, and with you I could be my honest self again... except, you didn’t push back. You didn’t challenge me.”

Haru shakes her head, and her shoulders droop. “You indulged me. You backed me up no matter what nonsense narcissistic ideas I was having. And I was completely swept up in it! I thought that made you my closest friend. I was an idiot. It made you a victim. Friendships can’t be based on inequality, and that’s all we’ve ever had. I’m sorry.”

She bows her head to him. She managed to get through it without stumbling.

Ken stands there and listens as Haru unburdens herself. His initial worried expression gives way to a calm smile, and as Haru finishes he begins to laugh. It's an unusual sound coming from Ken, filled with honest joy. "Haru... you were certainly an idiot if you were worried about me being a victim. It's true there was a time where I mindlessly followed you around like a puppy chasing after its owner. But I realized a long time ago that was a mistake. If I really thought you were wrong, I'd challenge you on it. You told me to keep you on the right path, and after we screwed up the situation with Erste in the other world, I started making more of an effort to actually do that. But I don't think the path you've been on is the wrong one."

He closes his eyes, still smiling, and takes a few moments to mentally prepare himself. "Okay, my turn. I had a chat with Tim a couple of days ago... it opened my eyes to a lot of truths about myself I'd been denying for a long time. He helped me understand that before coming to the ERU, I was fundamentally an empty person. I never knew how to live for myself, I only ever wanted to live for others. I thought my life was only worth as much as I could help others, protect others, make them happy, make them feel secure. When I think back to the time right after I joined, it's almost blindingly obvious. I told Sana at the time, 'If you need a sacrifice, send me first,' though not in those exact words. Do you remember when the base in Sidney was overrun, when the Nuada first launched? I threw myself into that horde, I couldn't wait to use myself as a human shield if I thought it'd protect everyone. I was an empty, weak person, and I lacked any kind of drive or spark of life within me. Every skill I'd ever gained is for the purpose of helping others."

He takes a deep breath, and pauses a moment to let his words sink in.

"That used to frustrate me terribly. There were a few months where I tried to live like my father, only for myself, but everything I ever did only for myself just felt completely meaningless to me. But... I don't think that has to be a bad thing. It's just who I am."

He opens his eyes and makes eye contact with Haru. For the first time, he doesn't bother to hide his love and admiration for her, and instead pours it into his gaze.

"But you... you have so much life. I can feel the desire to be yourself on your own terms flowing from within you. You shine so brightly... I idolize you. I wish I could be you. That's why I want to be close to you... I want to live by your example. My love for you pushes me in a way nothing else does... it turns me into a better person. It makes me strong. It makes me want to live. My love for you gives me power, in a very real and pure sense. When you showed me your pain... I thought I was trying to comfort you, but what I was really doing was showing you my pain. I care deeply about you... And I wished for you to love me in return... But deep down, I thought that was wrong, and selfish, and I hated myself for it. But now... I want you to let me continue to love you. Let me continue to be by your side. Let me push you to greater heights as you push me in return, as you make me strong. Beyond that, I don't need anything from you in return."

Haru folds her arms with a frown. “Ken. That doesn’t make you a friend, an equal. Or even a teammate. You sound like a fan. If all you want is to be inspired, go watch me on TV.”

Ken makes a cutting gesture with his hand as if to cut right through Haru's words. "You're not listening to me. I'm not content to simply live by your example. If I was, I wouldn't have left the Nuada when you did. I don't just want to watch you from afar, from behind, never truly reaching your heights. I want to help you shine brightly, be the best Haru you can be, just as you make me a better person every day of my life. If that's not equality, what is?"

“But you don’t get it either. I don’t want to always shine. I’m not the starry eyed wanna-be-Ace I was a year ago. You’re talking about an idealized Haru. And the truth is, I don’t believe other people can help you be yourself. Or your better self, whatever. That’s something you do personally.”

Ken furrows his brow. "Right, poor choice of words. I'm not talking about shining as showing off... To me, the part of you that shines the most is your powerful desire to live, and exert your will on the world. Your desire to be happy. It's something I lack. Something I feel as though I can grasp by staying close to you. If I were to listen to myself and try to live the best way I thought I could... I'd be dead right now. But that's not the way I want my story to end."

Turning, he walks over and rips down a poster hanging on the wall to reveal a deep gash. He runs his fingers across the groove. "See this? This is the proof that people can make each other stronger. This is strength that I would have never gained if I wasn't trying to keep up with you. And I used it to push your limits, to make you stronger. What about that is so wrong?"

Haru grits her teeth. There’s no turning back now.

“You developed your power to push me? That’s such nonsense Ken! It’s stupid and I’m sorry I ever encouraged you. That’s an absolute waste of your gift.” She hesitates, then says with a grim tone, “how many lives have you saved with that power, Ken? How much closer to humanity’s salvation are you now that you can throw magic knives at me and make me dodge them? I’m sure the people of Aries Colony are thrilled at just how strong you and I are.”

The look in Ken's eyes turns harder, more determined. "You... wakarazuya...! It's true that we weren't able to save Aries Colony. But that's not because we weren't strong. It's because we made a mistake. We have to become people who won't make mistakes like that. We have to be mentally strong as well as physically. We can't just give in to despair, can't just give up. We need to understand how to use our strength. We haven't failed, we've merely stumbled. And I'll be here to pick you up if you stumble, just as you've picked me up when I've stumbled over and over. If we weren't equals before, it's only because I started so far behind you. But I've fought tooth and claw and nail and bullet and beam to catch up. Does all my effort mean nothing to you now?"

She sighs. “Alright, well, if I can’t make you see it from your perspective, I’ll just say it from mine. I’m in too deep. I don’t know how to get from where we are, to a healthy place. But at the very least I think what you said about being mentally stronger and not making mistakes is bullshit and an irresponsible view of having power. Grow up, Ken. When we act, people die. Period. The best we can hope is increasing the net goodness in the world before we die.” Her eyes narrow at him. “And I don’t think I can do that while I’m still taking advantage of you.”

Ken gives Haru a searching gaze. "So you think you're taking advantage of me... And you won't listen when I tell you otherwise... And you think we shouldn't try and save everyone we possibly can, because there will always be some casualties we can't prevent..." The idealized version of Haru he's constructed in his head begins to break down. His lip curls back in disdain, a look that seems even stranger on him than happiness. "And people say I've got a big ego... You're right. We're not friends. Apparently the person I was friends with doesn't really exist."

He turns his back on Haru and strides quickly from the room.

Watching him stride off, Haru’s frown starts to contort more toward anger. She eyes a shelf on the wall, though she knows exactly what’s there. A few steps and her hand closes around a very familiar feeling. Ken is near the doorway now, his back to her. She assumes a throwing posture, and rockets a baseball right at his shoulder.

Her accuracy is perfect, of course. She yells at him as soon as it hits: “Fuck you, Ken! Just gonna say those things and walk away? Just gonna abandon your problems like you always do? How about you sit here and we talk this through like adults until we figure something out. I don’t have all the answers!! I know I don’t! But giving up, spouting passive aggressive bullshit, then walking away is definitely not the answer!”

Ken's AT field activates instinctively, but the throw is too perfect, and it smashes right through his field and impacts heavily on his back. He whirls on Haru, his own anger ignited. "First you say you don't want to be friends because you're taking advantage of me, but now you want to talk things out?! What the hell do you want from me, huh?!"

“I. Don’t. Know!! I don’t know! I have my eyes on my goals in the future and I have no idea how to handle myself in the present. But I can feel that just giving up can’t possibly be right!”

"I just went on and on and on about how good and healthy and life-affirming it feels for me to be near you! Sure, I may have been more like a worshipper in the past, but I learned to move beyond that! I don't feel taken advantage of by you in the least! But apparently that's not good enough for you!"

“Because it has to go both ways, idiot! You can have all the epiphanies you want, awesome. But just because you don’t feel like I’m taking advantage of you, doesn’t mean I’m not. It just means you’re used to it!”

"Then, I repeat, what do you want from me? If I thought you were making any mistakes, I'd call you on them! Do you just want me to abuse you? Is that it? I'm getting everything I want from you, so why isn't that enough?!"

“I want...”

She stops and blinks.

“Oh.”

“I want a friend, of course.” As she looks at Ken her aggression softens.

“I uh... I don’t know what that means for us.”

The strength fades from Ken's legs and he collapses to his knees. "Just because I love you doesn't mean we can't be friends, you idiot! Do you want me to erase my feelings for you?! Because I can tell you right now, I'll never stop loving you, no matter how much I hate you!"

“But... but there’s no way that’ll ever go anywhere.” Haru walks to Ken slowly. “You get that right? I’ve never been in love with someone that didn’t love me back, but it sounds like the most painful thing.”

"You don't think I don't know that?!" Ken looks up at Haru as he begins to cry. "I tried so hard to erase it... I tried to take solace in Tim, but no matter how much he loved me back it never felt real to me the way my love for you does. It tears me apart that we'll never be together. But I can accept that pain. I won't lose to it. Because the light you bring to my life is so much greater than a little pain."

Haru just stands there awkwardly as Ken opens up to her. She can’t run away, but it’s not like she has answers. She thinks back to how they very first met. “I owe you an apology, Ken. Another one. I was really lying to you from the start. I was playing a part, trying to fit in, trying to be someone I’m not. In that very first conversation I flirted and even offered you a date, didn’t I? Literally lying to you. The foundation of our entire relationship was lies. No wonder you got like this...”

She reaches out a hand to his sad, crying form, but pulls it back. She can’t bring herself to touch him.

"That's not-- look, you don't have to--" He sighs, wipes his tears, tries to regain a little composure, and then gets back to his feet. "You were who you were at the time. You don't have to apologize for that. You didn't just flirt with me, you flirted with everyone. It's not like you singled me out to tease me, you just wanted to make a strong first impression, and you did. And when you decided to stop hiding, I was the first one you told. As far as I consider, that's when our friendship truly began."

“...I’m not sure I know how to not use someone.”

"...As long as we're both fully and completely honest with each other to the best that we feel able, I think that's the best we can do. If I want to support you, and you let me support you, that's not using me. That's helping me by letting me do what I want." He assumes a stoic smile and offers her his hand, palm-up.

She starts to hold her hand out, but again stops short. “This doesn’t feel any different. Is this really okay?”

"It's perfectly fine." Ken gives her a reassuring smile. "I think we had a rough start, but what we've had recently was much better. I was just keeping secrets about my true feelings and ended up hurting myself... I should have told you how I felt long, long ago. I was a fool... I knew it could never be between us, but I wanted to cling to that false hope... I wanted to think as long as I didn't tell you, that meant I still had a chance. But I was just fooling myself. Just ignoring reality, just like I always do... But just because I can't get rid of these feelings, that doesn't mean we have to stop being friends. I just... need to be more honest with you, that's all."

“...I’m not gonna tell you what to do. And I kinda feel like, if I even say what I think you should do, you’ll just do it. Which puts me right back where I started. But I just wish you could find some way to move on.” She finally cracks a small smile. “I know humanity’s on its last legs here, but there’s gotta be two or three people out there as awesome as me, right?”

Ken tries to keep his cool and play along with Haru's joking comment, but though he opens his mouth several times, the words simply won't come. For some reason he doesn't understand, tears come to his eyes again, but he blinks them away. "...Yeah. Don't worry. I won't give up hope." He finally stops holding his hand out and lets it fall lifelessly back to his side.

“Maybe I can set you up with my sister? She’s probably everything you like about me, just the opposite.” Haru realizes her jokes are falling flat and gives up. She sighs.

“Maybe my whole hang up here... my problem in the first place... is that I’m just thinking too hard about the whole situation. Is that what Blood meant? I made a mountain out of a molehill by panicking and we both suffered from it, huh.”

Ken's very aware of how uncomfortable Haru seems to be acting around him now, but he still steps forward, trying to close the gap between them as if to try and close the emotional gap he feels has widened between them now. "No, listen, no matter what your reasons were, please don't apologize. If it weren't for this... I might never have learned what kind of person I really am, and ended up gleefully sacrificing myself for you one day out of some kind of twisted sense of duty. I can't promise I won't still do that, but... at least I'll be doing it out of my own will." He gives Haru a somewhat timid smile and a nervous chuckle.

“You’re a real piece of work, Ken Surutoga.”

As soon as Haru finishes saying that, the unpresense of the ship's voice whispers into her ear. Even as she reacts in whatever way, Ken makes no such reaction... he's not hearing it.

"Are you sure this is fine...?" Anemone speaks into Haru's ear, a strange tone in her voice, "are you sure you want everything to change by... everything staying the same?"

A shadow falls over Haru’s face in an instant. She turns away from Ken and looks up. “No, I’m not sure. At all! I’ve been saying this whole time I don’t know what’s right, I don’t know what I want. But what am I supposed to say? Is it even possible to become just teammates now? Like Omori and Stevens on the Twins? And even if it were possible, is that really the best for me, for him, for Aegis?” She takes a breath, then says even louder, “this isn’t rhetorical! I’m seriously asking for answers here because I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life!”

Ken blinks in confusion and tilts his head to the side slightly, but waits for whatever's going on to work itself out without saying anything.

As Ken waits, the air around him forms an invisible presense beside him.

"If you love this woman, why are you so content with maintaining the status quo?" Anemone asks, a strange tone in her voice. Haru doesn't physically react to these words--it must be that she's only speaking to Ken, "if you aren't willing to take any chances, can you truly say you love her...?"

"Wha-- why you interfering pile of circuits!" Ken's rage flares up again and he mimics Haru's actions in turning away from her. "What chances exactly do you expect me to take? Do you want me to trample roughshod over her feelings? To hurt her just for a chance at my own happiness?! I certainly love her, but more than that, I respect her, and I won't target her autonomy or try and get in the way of her love that already exists!"

“Ken...”

"Then that's not love," this time, Anemone can be heard by both Haru and Ken. The strange tone of voice remains present, "that's idolization. Love is selfish and greedy, and nothing like what you're trying to do. I thought it might have been the right time. But it looks likes I was wrong. Perhaps in the future, that will change..."

Anemone's presence can still be felt, but she's no longer speaking.

“Ken, is she right? That’s what I said before, right?”(edited)

The words “selfish and greedy” fill Haru with an almost unbearable wave of sadness as her heart aches for Vee. She wouldn’t have used those words to describe it but yes, that’s what it is.

"Love is... selfish?" Ken rubs his forehead with his left hand as he tries to process what he's just heard. "You're just a computer... What do you know about love... Of course I want to... I've been tearing myself apart this whole time to stop myself... Don't you tell me what I am or aren't feeling, god damn you...!"

“That’s why this didn’t feel right to me,” Haru mutters.

“You gave up too easily. Or like...  too willing to let yourself suffer along.” Haru blinks in surprise as things finally, finally start to click together. “This is just another place you’re trying to lay down and die.”

"And what if it is?" Ken says in a voice that he can't quite keep from trembling. "It's like I told Tim... I wouldn't even know how-- no. That's a lie. I know how. I just don't want to risk hurting anyone... It's easier for me to take all the pain myself than to deal with the possible guilt. But that really is running away, isn't it? It's not possible to live in this world without hurting people. I just... need to take responsibility for that. That's what I was really running away from."

Turning back to Haru with a strange fire in his eyes, Ken crosses the distance between them. "Haru... I've loved you since the moment I met you. I want you by my side, even if it means sharing you with Vee, and I can't hold myself back any more. If I hurt you by doing this, I can only hope you'll forgive me!"

He grasps Haru by the shoulders, leans over, and kisses her.

Maybe because she had already been feeling vulnerable; maybe it was the wave of loneliness that had just hit her; either way, after the initial shock wears off, Haru’s body loosens. Her face, her chest, everything heats up. Her hands reach around and grasp at Ken’s shoulders. And she kisses back, softly at first, then with more force.

When she pulls back for air she pushes away from him and takes several steps back. Her face is bright red, and her glasses are steamed up. Her arms are quivering. The expression on her face is inscrutable as she tries to process what just happened. In the end, she just manages to say, “...I can’t...”

The door to the gymnasium locks--even though there's only Haru and Ken, now no one can interrupt them.

"If this is your answer, then I think it's time," Anemone's voice radiates softly through the room, still speaking strangely, "... I have a message for the both of you. I think you both know who it's from."

"Would you like to hear it?"

Haru swallows hard. She wants to hear her voice... of course. Especially after hearing from Lucy and Dirk.

But the way this is going. This is like a setup. And Haru’s not exactly sure she’s ready for where Anemone is taking her.

She nods, extremely tentatively, and does her best to brace her heart.

Ken never truly expected Haru to return his kiss, and he's almost unable to comprehend what's happening as she does. As soon as Haru breaks away, Ken's first instinct is to break for the door, but he only makes it a few steps before the door locks. He casts about for some kind of means of escape, but finding none, he settles into a cross-legged seated position on the floor. Ken shakes his head violently to try and clear it, and looks up at the room with a look of utter confusion. He can say nothing, but he also nods.

There's a short pause, one of brief silence as the two wait for Anemone to convey the message.

"... Haru. Ken."

A familiar voice permeates the room, one that neither have heard for months. Initially, the words are somewhat rough, as if it hadn't been used in a long time. The voice clears their throat.

"It's me... Vee. How have the both of you been?"

Haru is sobbing.  Just instantly.

Ken is so overwhelmed at this point that he actually opens his mouth to respond, but all that comes out are stuttered, gasping noises.

"I'm sorry I couldn't record a video for you... I'm just a mess right now. I don't want either of you to see me like this," she tries to laugh it off, but there's a heavy weight to it, "... there's so many things I want to say. Even if I said everything I wanted, I'm sure I'd find something else to say just to continue talking to the both of you. But I can't do that. So I'll try to stay on topic."

"First of all... congratulations, both of you," her voice cracks slightly, "if you're hearing this message, then that means that things must be... going well between you two."

"I actually set this message to unlock if Ken ever confesses his feelings for you, Haru. But I decided to let Anemone decide when to actually play it for the both of you."

"I know Ken will be able to make you happy. He thinks of the world of you... just like I do," the slight lilt in her voice brings to life a vision of Vee smiling at them, "he'll be able to do right by you, Haru. So I wish the both of you happiness, wherever the two of you are. I know you two will be able to support each other, make each other better. Unlike me."

There's a short pause, faint noises in the recording telling both listeners that Vee's moving around wherever she is, "oh, Haru... my sweet, beloved Haru... I'm so sorry..."

The cracks in Vee's words are more audible. She speaks slowly, as if any faster is impossible for her.

Something about the tone of Vee's voice brings Ken somewhat back to his senses. He begins to get a terrible feeling, and despite himself starts crying along with Haru.

"I... have to apologize. For everything," she whispers quietly, "I took advantage of you, time and time again... I was so selfish. I couldn't hold myself back whenever it came to you."

Haru can tell. For as much as Haru's been around her, she can tell. Vee is on the verge of crying.

"My love for you drove me insane... and I let myself go crazy," Vee finally begins to break up, but just barely manages to hold back the flood of tears, "I always held you back. I've always known. Without me, you could be so much more... so much brighter, stronger... better. But I couldn't bear to let you go."

"But if you're hearing this message... then that must mean you're finally moving on. That, you're finally loosening the chains I've set upon you."

Haru shakes her head, tears still streaming down her face. She can’t accept this. It’s not right. Vee has to be wrong here.

"So... So I--"

Her words become incomprehensible. She's lost the ability to speak. But even now, there's no sound of her crying, even a little.

"So... I wish the two of you happiness," she finally says after a long pause, "I know Ken will be what I couldn't: someone you can rely on. Someone who can support you."

"I just... I just want you to know... I love you, Haru. I'll always love you. No matter where I am, no matter what's happening to me."

"... Goodbye."

She can’t move.

“...no...” it’s just a hoarse whisper.

Ken's breath is coming in ragged gasps now. He swallows heavily and manages to get out, "Not like this..."

Haru pulls herself to her feet. She wipes her face. She bites her lip for just a moment... then she clears her throat and looks up.

“Anemone. There has to be a way for you to let me into the engine room. I don’t care if it’s dangerous. If... if Vee really, truly wants to say goodbye, then... then I can’t do it from here.”

"Even if you were allowed inside, she's not there anymore."

“I don’t care if she’s not there, dammit! It’s her place. This ship is part of her. That’s her heart! I want to be there!  I need to see it! I need to... I need... her...”

He hesitates for a moment, but then Ken unsteadily rises to his feet as well. "I don't... know what to think... I don't know what I should do... I don't know if I have the right, but can I-- no, I'm going as well. I was terribly cruel to Vee... I never really got to know her half as well as I'd like... I need to say goodbye to her as well."

"... Alright. Just 1 minute."

The door to the gymnasium unlocks.

When the two pilots leave the gym, they head through the hallways towards the Engine Room, the only room in the ship that nobody currently on board could access.

It's still closed as they approach it. But as they stand in front of the thick doors to the Engine Room, it slowly opens up, revealing a small room and another door. As they enter, the door closes behind them.

"This is your last chance," Anemone warns them, "and remember, only 1 minute. Are you sure about this?"

One minute...

But, it’s better than nothing. She needs this.

“Yes.”

Ken feels as though his ability to think logically has temporarily shut down, but while he can't put his reasons into words it feels right for him to be here, so he won't back down now. "Yes, I'm sure."

"Alright then. I'm going to open the door now. Remember: 1 minute."

Slowly, the second door slides open... and the world changes.

As the two step through the door, a white expanse flows out before them. Wide. Open.

Infinite.

Neither up nor down exist here. The both of you have already lost your sense of direction.

Or is it truly white...?

Your minds crackle as you try to comprehend the space before you. Maybe it's not a white space. Perhaps it's black, like space. But even that, neither of you can tell.

You try to take a step forward. But your feet touch nothing.

All there is is nothingness. Infinity opens up before you. Time slowly loses meaning here. The door behind you is gone.

There is only warmth. A faint hum in your ear.

Ken speaks up first, wishing to get his own words out of the way quickly to give Haru as much time as she needs. He decides to keep things as short and simple as he possibly can. "Vee... Thank you... I can't possibly apologize enough... Goodbye."

Even as all sense of control slowly slips away... what remains is comfort. Warmth. A heat that permeates to your soul.

Haru focuses on the room. She can’t comprehend it logically, that much is immediately apparent. So she doesn’t try. She soaks in as much as she can about what it feels like to be in here. She doesn’t notice it happening, but Ken would see it in her eyes — she enters SEED mode as she’s focusing.

After a few seconds of just existing here, words start to spill out. She didn’t have any time to plan, of course. This was a conversation she had been determined to never have. So she just speaks straight from her heart.

“Vee. I’ve never met someone like you... I think you’re really one of a kind. How could someone simultaneously be so selfish, and so selfless? You’re a bundle of contradictions, Vee. You’re an enigma. And I...”

Her throat clenches up. It hurts so bad. But she pushes through because she doesn’t have much time.

“I love you so much. I’ll always love you.” She mirrors Vee’s own words subconsciously. “I panicked after Olivia told me... I needed time to understand myself. So... so I’ll...”

She probably doesn’t have much time left. Why is she wasting it on stuff Vee already knows? Dammit, Haru! Get it together!

“Let me just say this, then. A year ago... god, almost exactly a year ago, I blindly jumped into your arms. I knew then it was too fast, too rash, impossible. But I didn’t care. I just—“ Haru bites her lip. This isn’t right either!! She’s never had to say goodbye to anyone before, dammit! Not like this!

Haru opens her mouth wide and yells, as loud as she can, “I’M NOT GOING TO STOP LOVING YOU, VICTORIA ALDEBARAN. No,” the tears are getting in her way again, “no matter... no matter what happens, or where I am, or wh—“

Her face tightens; her whole body follows. She clenched her fists for strength, concluding, “...whoever... I’m... with.”

In the midst of that warmth, Haru feels it wrap tightly around her. She knows. A final farewell beyond an impossible distance.

And yet. As Haru feels it embrace her.

At the very edge of your brain, you feel a strange force pull upon you. A force defying all sense. It opens a gate into your mind, and hooks into you.

You musn't look.

The whisper of the devil reaches your ears. It pulls at you, like a string wrapped around your finger. So lightly, but you are still caught.

You do not move, but distance disappears. The string shortens itself.

In this space that defies space, where law becomes inconsequential. Where nothing needs to make any sense. Where comprehension is a concept beyond your grasp.

One thing tugs at your mind. It pulls on your finger.

Your eyes gaze upon a machine that defies reality. You know what this is. You've never seen it before. It's the Engine itself.

What do you do?

She knows instinctively what it is, or what it means. Because before, she’d forbidden Tim from ever coming near the heart of the ship again. It’s chaos, only kept chained by Vee’s personal gift, and to even think about approaching it is tantamount to suicide.

And yet.

There is nothing in the world Haru wants to do more than reach for the engine.

She would give anything, anything to be closer to Vee right now.

She takes a few short breaths. Her fists loosen. The fingers on her right hand twitch. Maybe if she just got closer, she could understand better. She could feel what Vee had felt. She could be together with her...

She bites her lip.

That old habit of hers. She never even realizes she’s doing it, but maybe it’s because she’s hyper-aware of her own body right now that she does. And in a flash, she remembers a certain night months and months ago. That brief period before things got bad... before everything started going wrong.

“You’re biting your lip again,” Vee said with a smirk.

“Ah, sorry,” though she didn’t know why she was even apologizing. “Tomorrow’s the joint training thing with Team A, and... just nervous, I guess. I don’t get along with all of them super well yet? Oh! Maybe you can rig it and give me Prisha or Yukina...”

Vee giggled. “That’s all Tetra’s stuff, you know that.”

“Yeah...”

“Hey.”

“Hmm?”

Vee leaned forward toward Haru. Thinking it was for a kiss, Haru raised her chin and leaned in herself, but instead Vee simply bit down, gently, on Haru’s lip. Obviously surprised, Haru jumped backward on the bed. “Hey!”

“I just wondered if it was delicious, since you’re always doing it...”

Haru’s eyes snap open in the engine room. She slowly raises one of her shaking hands to her lips.  She knows. There is absolutely no way Vee would want her to do this.

For the second time, Haru opens her mouth wide and yells. “ANEMONE! GET US OUT OF HERE!”

And as soon as she says it, she mouths, “goodbye.”

Everything happening around Ken right now isn't doing much for his already frazzled state of mind, but as beautiful as this place is it's also terrifying to Ken. If nothing else, he understands there's incredible danger here, if only because this place is somehow related to Vee's powers which Ken knows to be dangerous. He won't deny some measure of curiosity, but thankfully Ken is used to resisting temptation. It's time for them to go. Along with Haru's shout, Ken reaches for her hand, closes his eyes, and wills them out, in case that makes any difference in this place.

Haru's yell only comes out as a whisper. Even as she expells air at full force, nothing more than a soft hush comes out.

There's a tug on the napes of their necks. It pulls. It struggles. But weight is both meaningless and enormous.

How long as you been in this room now?

The two of you gaze at the engi--a world that exists beyond time--ne. Your minds begin to melt, creating static in your br--we exist here--ain, but you cannot look away. A force beyond your own beckons you, even as your mi--long ago we were se...--nds begins to collapse upon themselves.

"Ho-- on!" A desperate shout that just barely reaches your ears, "I-- pu-- it's not-- don't--"

**Please roll a Willpower check, or if you're daring, Intellect.**

*@Ken Surutoga:  1d10+7  = (8)+7 = 15*

*@Haru Yamada:  1d10+6  = (9)+6 = 15*

You know it's dangerous. This is not curiosity, nor compulsion. A force beyond your will. So you resist, struggling to hold back aga--the end of the world--inst your very minds eroding away.

The Nuada's Engine. The finest work of Victoria Aldebaran... and yet, not even created through influence of her own power. As you both gaze upon it, unable to compre--we arrived here... a... and th... l...--hend it's very shape, you both lose your minds.

This is the world she has always lived in. You feel the pressure of reality coll--now we are... and we... the world...--apsing upon you. Suffocating. Stifling.

Painful.

"Almo-- try to--"

**Please roll a Willpower check, or if you're daring, Intellect.**

*@Ken Surutoga:  1d10+7  = (4)+7 = 11*

*@Haru Yamada:  1d10+6  = (5)+6 = 11*

It's too painful. Too much for either of you to withstand. It hurts.

Excruiating pain. I can't breath.

You feel everything fading away. That was all you could take. Unwillingly, unknowingly, you accept it. Death awaits you. I don't wanna be alone.

Darkness, a concept that you're familiar with, and finally the only thing to make sense to you in what feels like eternity. I don't wanna be alone.

It envelops you, like a comforting blanket. At least you know what is coming. I don't wanna be alone.

And as the final seconds of light fades away, you can hear a whisper, clear as day. And more ominous than even the end of the world. I don't wanna be alone.

"We are Ein Soph. We will come."

I don't wanna be alone anymore...

Later, Haru and Ken awaken in the infirmary. Sana is sitting there, looking at her phone as she waits for the both of you to wake up.

Haru's everything hurts, like she'd tensed every muscle in her body from her eyelids to her toes trying to force herself out of there.  And yet she knows it hadn't been enough, and she shouldn't be alive.

Before she can ask about herself, though, she's just glad to see Sana here.  That's who she needed to talk to.

"S--"

Her throat is so dry.  She glances around and sees a cup of water next to her bed.  It hurts, but she reaches for it and sips some down.  Finally, she can try again.

"Sana... I... she... Vee... broke up with me, basically..."

She expected to still be crying, but after all of the tears she'd shed before, right now she feels more calm.  Or more resigned to the truth.

Slowly, Ken becomes aware that he still exists. Understandably, this surprises him. He had been completely sure that the two of them would end their lives inside the engine. He opens his eyes, looks around, and sees Haru.

For perhaps the first time in his life, he's happy to be alive.

"You're awake!" Sana leaps from her chair, but stops herself. She can see immediately that Haru has something else on her mind.

As Sana waits Haru to spill out what she's trying to say, she sighs.

"I... heard the story. From Anemone. I suppose congratulations are in order, for the both of you."

"But can I also say what GIGANTIC MORONS the both of you are? I know you both have a penchant for leaping at danger, but seriously? Do you think Vee would have wanted you two to do that?"

Haru doesn't flinch.  "I don't regret it," she says.

"Tell me you wouldn't do the same, if you heard her say goodbye to you.  In her own voice."

Sana flinches, knowing that, at least in this case, Haru was right. She starts rubbing her temples.

"That doesn't mean I'm not going to tell you how stupid you two were. If Anemone were even a second later, she tells me you both would be brain dead. Or worse."

Ken is silent for a long time as he thinks over the events inside the engine. "...I don't regret it either. I can't... process exactly why yet, but right now, if I had to do it over again I'd do the same thing in an instant."

"I think I heard her, Sana.  Not the recorded one Anemone played.  I think I heard her, over there."

Sana bites her lip... before slowly nodding, "I see..."

She slowly makes her way over to the door.

"You two need to rest up. And just because of your new relationship, that doesn't mean you're allowed to do anything like that in here. At least wait until you're in your own rooms."

With a wave, Sana slowly takes off, her footsteps sluggish compared to normal.

Ken SurutogaToday at 6:45 PM

After Sana leaves, Ken turns to Haru, propping himself up on his elbow. "I... As happy as I am about a lot of things, I feel like we were both kind of pushed into this, in many ways... So... You take as much time as you need, after this. When you're ready, come and talk to me. I can wait until then."

She nods.  "That's exactly what I was going to say.  I don't know how long I need, and we don't exactly have the luxury to just focus on ourselves all day, but... yeah."

The closes her eyes and lays back down on the pillow.

"Thanks for not giving up on me.  Sorry for smashing your shoulder."