Christmas Gifts: A Sister, A Diary and Years of Trauma

Discordant noises drifted through the halls of the Big Team base. Occasionally stopping, replaced with brief squeaking noises, then continued in a different pitch. In Gwen’s room, Gwen sat in the bottom bunk bed, legs folded and tuning her old guitar. She hummed as she struck the strings, trying to get each string correctly tuned. “C’mon, baseline,” she grumbled at herself.

In the corner, leaning against the wall, was her bass guitar, slightly shinier looking from recent use and care. Her desk was covered in notes and homework. Nimue was tucked into the top bunk bed. Beside the door, on the floor, four food bowls for pets stood, all of them mostly empty.

Amber was walking through the halls of the Big Team Base, when she heard some faint grumbling and some slight music coming from one of the rooms. She grew curious and made her way towards the source of the music, until she arrived at a door. She stood there for a moment until she decided to open the door.

"Smoooke on the waaaterrrr," Gwen strummed the strings and mumbled lines as she tested them when the door opened. She strummed a few more notes to make sure she was satisfied with the result before looking up and smiling at her guest. "Hey Amber, what's up?" She said, putting the guitar down on her knees.

“Oh! Gwen.” Amber seemed a bit flustered. “I didn’t realise you were here.... I thought you were staying at Rhiannon’s house? Why are you here?”

"Oh, I was, for a bit," Gwen responded to Amber. "Just to make sure everything's alright over there with her. She gets lonely, y'know? But this place," she gestured at her room and the base around her, "for better or worse, this is my home."

Amber nodded. “I see.” She looked at the guitars Gwen had. “You practicing? I mean, I assume you are.”

Gwen shrugged. "Trying to, I have practiced mostly bass as of late, so I hadn't tuned this guitar correctly yet. I used to always have trouble with that."

Amber went over to Gwen’s guitar. “I’m not an expert but I think you’re supposed to do it like this.” She starts tuning Gwen’s guitar. After a few seconds, she stands up. “Try it now.”

Gwen watched closely as Amber tuned the guitar, then took it back. She strummed it a few times. "It does sound better," she nodded. She strummed it a few more times. "Smoooke on the waaaterrr..." She smiled. "Yeah, it's perfect! You're really good at this, Amber. Thank you."

Amber smiled a bit. “I told you I’m not an expert but thanks anyway.” She looked at the new guitar that Gwen had. “You have two guitars.” She pointed at the newer looking one. “Why do you have two?”

"Oh, that's not a guitar," Gwen put down the instrument she was holding on the bed and got up. She picked up the one that was leaning against the wall and slung the strap over her shoulder. "THIS," she struck the strings and they thrummed deeply, "is a bass. I mean, I guess technically it's a bass guitar, so it is a guitar. It's got only four strings instead of six, and it sounds a bit deeper, lower."

She played a few notes on it, looking happy and focused as she did. "I guess it’s a little easier to play, but it's a vital part of rock music. Don't diss the bassist."

Amber paused for a moment. “I see.” She said. “I was just wondering why you have two guitars?”

"Oh!" Gwen stopped playing. "Well! I got two of them, because the lead guitar is for playing on my own, while the bass is for playing in a band! I'm okay with leading a group of teen heroes in a fight, not so much leading a group of musicians into a song."

“You seemed ok with your singing though.” Amber told her honestly. “You have a nice strong voice. I really like it.” She paused for another moment. “It is a nice hobby to have, besides saving the world and such. The only hobby I have is Sailor Moon manga.”

Gwen blushed a little bit from the compliment. Then her eyes widened. "Wait, you have Sailor Moon manga?!"

Amber blushed. “Well.....they were technically in the library here but Cyclone said I could keep them because I kept reading them all the time.”

Gwen's mouth hung open for a second. "Damn, I wish I'd known. While in space, Parrot had brought the anime and watched it with me and Elle. That's cool though, that we've got that kind of stuff here. I haven't checked out all the things in the library, to be honest, even though I live here."

She looked from her bass to Amber. "Hey, why don’t I play you something? I know the basslines for a lot of songs, so I can try and show you."

Amber smiled. “I would actually like that.” She folded her arms and leaned against the wall, watching Gwen.

Gwen stood up and stayed silent for a few moments, instinctively moving her fingers along the strings while mentally tuning herself, until she got the rhythm that she was going for. She had an intense look on her face as she played her own music, then relaxed as she got the beat of it.

Gwen kept playing until the music ended. "Wow," Amber admitted. “You looked so cool as you were playing that! I wish I could do that!”

Gwen blushed intensely. “Thanks…”

Amber looked excited. ”I just love the way you play! It makes me want to give it a try! I was never able to try out things like this back at GREY-“ She pauses for a moment.

Gwen looks at her. “Amber…?”

Amber looked at the ground. After a few silent moments, she started talking. “When dad was still alive..... because of everything they would do to me, I wasn’t really allowed to say anything. I couldn’t voice my opinion. I kept trying regardless but...” Amber shook a little. “It didn’t help... They still did horrible things to me. And then I finally snapped and.....killed him.... And now it’s stuck with me forever.” She started shaking more intensely and it was easy to see that she was trying not to cry.

Gwen put down her guitar and moved over to Amber with a concerned look on her face. She put her hand on the younger girl's shoulder. "Hey, hey it's okay, they can't hurt you here. They don't have power over you anymore and they never will again. Never *ever*.”

Amber looked at Gwen, her eyes tearing up a little. “You sure...? They can always capture me again....like they did with Spectre. And brainwash me and continue the work my father did....” Amber started to cry. “Damn it, this was supposed to be a nice conversation and now I just brought up my past.....”

Gwen looked pensive for a moment, then sat back down on her bed and patted the space beside her. "Do you want to talk about it? I myself don't like talking about mine, but... it can help sometimes, or so people say. The past is dark and full of terrors, after all."

Amber looked at Gwen and sat down next to her. “My first memory was waking up and seeing my father looking at me. I was kept inside my own room, being monitored 24/7 by the other scientists. My father would teach me how to read, write and do basic maths. He was nice then....but he never spent much time with me besides that. I was just left on my own.” Amber gripped the edge of the bed. “I kept performing tests for my dad. He referred to them as games. He said if I was good during the game, he would give me a present. That’s why I didn’t react during the tests. I didn’t want to make him mad or be disappointed in me.”

Gwen nodded grimly. She gently placed her hand on Amber's back, hoping to be comforting. "That's terrible, Amber," she replied. A lot of it sounded familiar, though she had never gotten presents or dealt with a parent being part of GREY. "Did they..." she stopped. "You don't have to say anything else if you don't want to, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for you."

Amber sat silent for a moment. “At first, the tests were fine. Just testing out my powers and seeing what I could do. Nothing too bad. But then...” She paused. “They got worse. They started turning into surgeries and injections and more....painful procedures. I didn’t know what they were trying to do....but I also don’t want to know...” She started shaking and gripped the bed tighter. “As I grew older.... I realised what they were actually trying to do to me.... I started speaking out, saying I didn’t want this anymore. But when I did, my father would force me to do it regardless. It didn’t matter what I said or did, I still had no choice. It was going to happen to me. That’s when I just....snapped. Me and my father were having a serious argument and suddenly I pushed him and he...” She started to cry. “He cracked his head open. He bled to death in front of me. I didn’t mean to kill him! I didn’t know he was going to die from that! I... I didn’t...!”

"Shhh, I know you didn't." Gwen moved closer to Amber and put her arms around her, hugging her closely. "Let it all out..." She assured the younger girl. "You didn't know, you weren't in control, and they pushed you. You were in an incredibly bad place with no way out. It wasn't your fault. I know what you've gone through. It's not your fault. It never was." She softly rubbed Amber's back, trying to comfort her as she empathized with her.

"Never forget that, Amber," Gwen spoke softly. "It was *not* your fault. We can't fix things in the past, but we can make sure they don't break in the future. You're not in that place anymore. You're out. You're free. You're with people who love you, who truly love you."

Amber hugged Gwen back, gripping tightly onto her as she cried. But then, suddenly, she was no longer in Gwen’s arms. She was somewhere else.

Amber saw rolling fields of green stretch out before her, a thick forest further down the slopes that she stood on. She felt... small. The scent of appleblossom and honey was thick in the air. She heard laughter of small children and the screeching of a fiddle. Her field of vision turned and she saw a blanket in the grass, a black-haired woman sitting on it with two young children, toddlers. The woman stared up at a blonde man, the person playing the fiddle. He was exceedingly handsome. His hair was like gold in the light of the sun, and he cast a smile in Amber's direction, showing teeth that were imperfect in a perfect way. They wore well-cut but simple woolen clothes and the man wore riding boots. Beyond the small group, Amber saw a city, lorded over by a large and glorious castle on a hill. Her vision ducked to the sudden noise of distant roaring.

Vision going black, experiences and sights flashed by in streaks. She was sitting in a comfy chair in a restaurant. Smells of food came from every direction, each smelling different and interesting and--mostly--tasty. Wine was prominent, and a glass stood on the table in front of her, on the other side. There, that same man sat, no longer smiling so happily, but a faint one appeared on his lips as he looked at her. He was dressed in modern clothes now, a tailored indigo-coloured suit. Amber herself, in a moment where her vision shifted down, saw she was dressed in an elegant black dress. She was no longer small like before and the man no longer looked huge compared to her. "This is nice, isn't it?" The man spoke to her. "I'm sorry we haven't done this in a while. I've been busy, but I should always make time for dining with you, Gwen." A noise below the table beeped. The man's gorgeous face contorts with annoyance. He looked down at a phone he pulled out. "Arthur needs me. I swear, he'll be the death of me." He looked back up at her, and smiled, a forced one. He opened his mouth to say something again, but the scene streaked away.

A sharp pain in the inside of her elbow. A quick look down. Needles poking into her flesh. Tubes connecting to her chest, jammed into the bone. A myriad of tiny scars on her arms and the center of her chest, amidst larger circular ones from the tubes. She felt screaming, coming from her own throat. Blood was drawn. The sound of voices speaking in English, Spanish and other languages that sounded vaguely familiar, but it was all through a haze. More flashes like this passed by. Exercises. Training. Monitoring. Testing. Experimenting. More blood was drawn. People in white coats spoke about "the Spirit Realm", "that Avalonian creature", "inhuman nature", "deceptive fey-like guises", "genetic alteration", "nanite infusions", "testing", "testing", "testing".

Pain. Heat. Cold. Pressure. Pain. Ever only physical pain. More needles. More tubes. More blood. More tests. Sore arms. Sore legs. Sore throat. Hunger. Exhaustion.

Freedom.

A flash of light, a surge of water, the hefty feeling of a sword in her hand. A face coming into her view. A distant feeling of warmth, as if from another time, another mind intruding, brushing against hers. Amber saw them: Five faces. Five teens. Half of them soaked through, and one of them wearing only animal print boxers. Wild Thang. Dominik. Freedo. Redshift. Rekken.

Flashes streaking by.

Dancing with Rekken at the Big Dance on T-Day. A giant heli-carrier crashing into Halcyon National Park. Hugging Rhiannon at the hospital. Flying in an elevator shaft, holding an awkwardly laughing Challenge. "I have never heard of this person!" Fighting Orbital, 'defeating' Orbital (making things worse). Seeing the impossibly beautiful man again, barely tainted by a dirty face and wearing rags in an eternal bloody battlefield. A pale hand in her view reaching out and grabbing Zip's hand. Lavender's hand. Handing Nimue to Gally, to Parrot. Kissing Rekken in the submarine. Light whirring noises. Reaching for the Sonata. Punching Parrot. Crying with Parrot. Reaching for another wine bottle after blurting out she kissed Rekken in front of Elle. Finding out Rhiannon got kidnapped. Finding out Rekken forgot about her. Rescuing Rhiannon. Fighting Orbital again. And again. Reaching for Dominik's horn. Almost punching a crying Lavender, her own vision blurry. Refraining. Walking out.

Gwen’s memories dissipate, only to be replaced by another set of memories. Amber’s memories.

Gwen’s vision blurs, as a man looms over her. As her vision becomes less blurry, she sees the man looming over her in greater detail. He had blond hair and dark brown eyes. He was wearing glasses and wore a lab coat. It was Amber’s father, Arthur Mars.

Gwen’s vision blurs again, to see the same man sitting in front of her, with sheets of paper in front of him. “Ok Amber, what is 2 + 2?” A silent pause. “2..?” A young voice replies. The man shakes his head. “No Amber,” He lifts up four fingers. “How many fingers am I holding up?” Another silent pause. “4?” The young voice replies again. The man smiles.

Vision blurs again, now showing a white room. “Ok Amber,” The man’s voice spoke. “We’re going to play a game. If you do good, I’ll give you a present. Alright?”

“Ok daddy.” The young voice spoke. Amber sat in a chair, with two scientists on each side of her. One was a woman and she was holding Amber’s hand. The other scientist had a needle in his hand. “I know it’s scary Amber, but just stay still and close your eyes, ok?” Amber’s eyes close. Another change in scenery.

Suddenly, Amber couldn’t move. Scientists looked over her including her father, holding needles and weird tools. Pleas for help and screaming could be heard. Vision blurs again.

A white ceiling, TV on. A door opens and Arthur walks in. “Amber, we need to talk.” Amber sits up, looking at her father. Arthur didn’t look very happy. “You have been extremely disappointing for the past couple of months. You have refused to participate in the tests, you have physically fought my colleagues to the point of being physically restrained, you have yelled vulgar language at myself and colleagues.” He sighs. “From now on, I expect you to listen and do as we say, do you understand?”

A silent pause. “...No.”

“Excuse me?”

Amber stands up. “I said no! I’m sick and tired of all of this father! I’ve listened and obeyed you for years, but then I realised how terrible you treat me! I’m your daughter father! But you don’t even treat me as your daughter! You treat me like a fucking guinea pig!”

“Language!” Arthur looked at his daughter with anger in his eyes. “You are my daughter but you’re also GREY’s most important project! We know what’s best for you!”

“Well clearly you don’t! Because I’ve been poked and prodded constantly every day! I just want a normal life father! That’s all I want!”

“Well you can’t! You are not leaving GREY until we have run all the tests! You are not a normal human Amber! And you will never be normal!”

Tears. “Fuck you....” Amber starts packing her bag.

“What do you think you’re doing?!”

Amber looks at her father. “I’m leaving! I’m done here!” She grabs her bag but suddenly, she feels a strong grip on her arm. “No! You are not going anywhere!”

“Let me go!” A struggle. A push. A loud cracking sound. Red. Crimson everywhere. “Fa.....father?” A whimper. More tears. “Oh god....no! Father! Oh god!” A loud alarm.

Vision blurs. Running. Panting. More tears. An abandoned building. Cold. Hunger. Wet.

Vision blurs again. A man stands before her with his hand extended. A genuine smile on his face. “I promise I won’t hurt you. I swear. I help people like you.” Amber extends her hand and stands up. The man became clearer. It was Cyclone.

More vision blurs. Amber pushing Spectre out of the way from a falling railing. Amber crying in front of Hesperus. Spectre hugging Amber and her heart racing. Amber playing baseball. Amber waiting at the dance for Spectre. Amber running away from the sight of Bella’s transformation. Amber hugging Hollow. Spectre kissing her. Amber being concerned for Spectre. Amber reading Gwen’s letter. Amber and Spectre on their movie date. Amber and Zip shopping. Then Gwen, playing guitar.

The flashes of the past vanished as Gwen leaned away and broke out of the hug with Amber, gasping for air, holding Amber at arm's length. She breathed heavily and she was sweating. Her eyes were wide. "That..." She shook her head and let go of Amber, covering her face, running her hands through her hair. Her baseball cap fell onto the ground and something in the darkness under the bed stirred and let out a "yip" noise. Gwen looked at Amber with a look of fear, and she doubled over, clutching at her chest. She groaned in pain. Amber's experiences made her own memories of her time in GREY come back, and so vividly. It felt as if her scars burned, and she held herself, drawing up her legs and falling onto the bed as she assumed a fetal position.

Amber stood frozen in place after the memories stopped. She stared at Gwen, a look of shock on her face. “I.... I saw everything.... Your past, I...” She couldn’t find the right words to say. “I’m....sorry.... I’m so sorry.......”

Gwen shuddered and pressed her forehead against her knees, closing her eyes. "It's... it's okay. It's not your fault. You didn't know. It's not *your* fault."

Amber slowly walked over to Gwen. “Gwen....?” She sat down next to her. “Are you.....ok?”

Gwen rubbed her face against her leggings, shaking her head.

Amber looked at her with a sad face on her face. She shuffled around a bit and laid down next to Gwen, facing her. “....Do you want a hug?”

Gwen shook her head again. "Not now," she said. She looked at Amber over her knees. "But thanks for being here, Amber."

Amber smiled a little. “I guess.....we’re closer now?” She couldn’t seem to think of anything to say.

"Heh," Gwen managed a smile. "I guess so."

The noises from under the bed got louder and out from it scurried a cat-sized scaly creature with a plump body and a whip-like tail, as well as four necks the length of its body with small snake-like heads at the end, small ridges along their heads and each in different colours. It moved to the other side of the room, where the four food bowls stood, and Gwen sat up a little and propped a pillow behind her back. "Hey Rushmore," she called out to the critter, which responded with one of its heads making a soft cooing hissing noise.

"I'm sorry you had to, uh, see that, by the way," Gwen said to Amber after a few moments of being silent.

Amber sat up when she heard the squeaking noise, and looked over to the food bowls. Her eyes widened at the sight of Rushmore. “Oh my...” She immediately got off the bed and walked over to Rushmore. “They’re so cute!” She smiled happily as she bent down to take a closer look at Rushmore. Amber turned her head to look at Gwen. “Oh. It’s fine...” She seemed a little uncomfortable. “I....didn’t mean to trigger a....well, you know.”

Gwen nodded. "I understand. It's... it's not a part of me I like to think about. I don't want to think about how... how they poked and prodded me, how they put stuff in my body, just to see if I'd get sick, or get stronger. It was Hell. It really was Hell." She pulled another pillow into her lap and hugged it tight, peering over it at the wall. "I don't really want to talk about it, although sometimes I think I should, but I also don't want to bring up those memories of yours again too."

Amber stood up and looked at Gwen with a smile on her face. “That’s very considerate of you.” Her expression suddenly changed to one of sadness. “But.....I think one day....we’re gonna have to talk about it. I’ve only ever told Spectre about what happened. I mean....Hesperus knows I killed my dad but.... not as much as Spectre does.” She sighed. “I’ve never really done anything about it..... I never talked about it in detail with anyone else or for any other reason...”

Gwen sat silently, just nodding in response, trying to be understanding.

"I..." she began, then stopped. "Um... if you, if you really want to talk about it, I suppose I would be alright with it. As long as you're okay with me not talking about... y'know."

Amber walked over to Gwen and sat back next to her. “Gwen.....you know you might have to talk about it someday.... It hurts I know.... But one day, you’re gonna have to.”

Gwen takes a deep, slow breath. "I know, but... it doesn't have to be now. Maybe after we've taken them down. Ghazal, and Rodriguez, and whoever the other bosses are. Maybe I should talk to a therapist at some point, but not now. I don't want to now. There's a lot of bad things inside of me that I don't want to bring to the surface. I'm afraid that I'll end up remembering more things and that I won't be able to handle that." She looked at Amber. "You're not disappointed in me, are you?"

Amber looked shocked. “No! I feel the same. I just.....” She sighed. “I don’t know. I’m trying to help I guess? I’m sorry....” She looked upset. “Hey, um.....Gwen?”

"Yeah, Amber?"

Amber looked at Gwen once more. “Do you.....really see me as a sister..?”

Gwen smiled a little. "Yes. Well, kind of. You're not like a sister by birth, but we're both in this team and we've gone through a lot of the same things and we're still here." She moves over a little bit and puts her legs over the edge of the bed. "I have two siblings back home in Avalon, but I also see DomDom as like a big brother, and Freedo like a little brother, and yeah, I see you like a little sister. Does that make sense?"

“Yeah it does. It’s just...” Amber blushed a little. “I never had a sibling before.... It feels nice that you see me as a younger sibling even though we haven’t done that much together.”

"Family isn't always about doing stuff together," Gwen ponders. "Often it's just about being there for each other when you need to be. A good, comforting presence. I've done very little with DomDom, but his presence is just nice. Helps that he was one of the people who saved me from GREY. Same for Freedo. I guess... come to think of it, it's maybe a little weird how I see different members of this team differently? Like some are kinda like siblings, others like friends, others purely teammates or fellow students or bandmates, and then there's Olivia."

Gwen smiles and looks down, her expression content. "Family isn't bound by any one definition, I think. Not where it really matters."

Amber looks at Gwen. “I understand that. I see you like a big sister too. You’re one of the few people in this team who understands me.” She smiles at Gwen. “Thank you.”

"You're welcome." Gwen looks back at Amber.

"Speaking of thanks, though! And speaking of powers going haywire..." Gwen hops off her bed, sets a step forward to reach for Rushmore and scritch them over their heads and back, then ducks down and reaches underneath her bed. "I got you a little something," she says from under the bed, "for that uh... Secret Santa thing? I pulled your name, so I thought I'd get you a thing. Or make you a thing. Well, I mean, that's the whole point with it, but I mean I thought this would be fitting with *another* thing--ngh--that you already have."

She rolls back out and got up. In Gwen's hands is a small package, the size of a thick notebook. The wrapping looks a little haphazard with just a little too much tape keeping it all together. Gwen holds it out for Amber. "Merry Christmas, Amber."

Amber takes the book and starts opening the wrapping. “I can tell you never wrapped anything before.” She chuckled. After a few minutes of finally getting the wrapping paper off, she looked at the notebook. “Thank you Gwen!” She holds the notebook close to her. “I tend to write a lot of my.....well, you know....thoughts and secrets in my diary. I guess it helps me a little... But now I have another one! Thank you so much!” Amber definitely seemed pleased.

"Hehe, yeah," Gwen scratches her head, too ashamed to tell Amber that she'd just asked servants to wrap presents for her all those previous Christmases. Her face lights up as Amber thanks her for the gift. "I'm glad you like it! You can always use it for different kinds of notes than your diary, or you can save it for when that one is full."

Amber smiled. “Seriously thank you Gwen. Not just for the present, but also for talking to me earlier. I really needed that.”

"You're very welcome Amber." Gwen says, picking up the guitar again. She begins to play a soft tune and calls over Rushmore, who rubs their heads against her legs and then Amber's, letting the younger girl pet them. The girls spend some more time talking about music, pets, space and Christmas traditions. Gwen smiles. Even in this darkest time of year, there were still moments of light and warmth.

The camera pans out from the bedroom doorway as the light, their voices, and then the music fade away.