Episode 2 - Novelty Condiment Dispenser

After taking inventory of the situation, Splitsie regains his engineering memory, Capac regains his astrophysics memory, and they set course for an asteroid.

# Novelty Condiment Dispenser - Synopsis

## Prolog

In the cockpit, Capac records a log entry "Star Trek captain" style. Splitsie challenges Capac's captainhood but admits not being sure about their ranks. Capac swiftly changes his title to the irrefutable "Dashing Adventurer".

Splitsie has found out that it's February 6th, 2287. The ship serial number on the hull is RX-39487. The navigational database is unusable. All they know is that they are within the sphere of influence of a star. The storage contains a few weeks worth of food rations. The ships was damaged by a cloud of debris. Capac was injured but was saved.

Capac asks the computer to repeat back the finished log entry but all they get is more synonym gibberish. Splitsie sighs and facepalms.

## Main Story

The ship flies majestically through space. Splitsie takes inventory. They have:

* 3 kg magnesium powder
* 5 reactor parts
* 6 kg of explosives
* 22 small steel tubes
* 6 kg silicon wafers

Capac trolls Splitsie by listing "one novelty condiment dispenser" and by quoting old movies.

Capac takes inventory of food rations while eating Algal Nutrient Paste. It tastes awful and makes his mouth and teeth feel fuzzy because it lacks barbecue sauce. Splitsie recommends against eating the paste raw since it's a basic material for food replication.

Capac thanks Splitsie for sucking out the poison after the debris field bit him in the leg. Splitsie insists there was no sucking involved.

Splitsie thinks a warning beacon will help them avoid running into the micro-debris field again. Splitsie's beacon blueprint is compact and efficient thanks to its overlapping broadcast fields to maximise gain against background interference. Capac thinks it's a little over-designed.

Capac, his professional memory returning as well, explains that the interference from a nearby magnetar star is caused by a magnetic field of a few hundred gigateslas whose electron distortion can disrupt basic chemical bonding within 1000 kilometres, so it's good they are here and not there.

Capac is hungry for Algal Nutrient Paste but is tasked to bring beacon components to Splitsie. Chatting through the air lock, Splitsie does not want to be called "Splits"; whereas Capac wouldn't mind being call "Cap" because it sounds like Captain America who is "strong and brave". Splitsie contests the similarity but Capac keeps quoting Captain America and eating paste. Splitsie is irritated.

Splitsie asks Capac to help fix the main computer so they can use it to look for a source of minerals, while Splitsie completes the beacon. Capac promises not to touch the navigation controls.

(Majectic timelapse music, in space) Splitsie welds up the beacon blueprint.

(Cheerful cowboy music, internal view through security cameras) Capac entertains himself running back and forth, jumping, and spinning.

(Majectic timelapse music, in space) Splitsie finishes welding. Satisfied with his engineering work, he proudly looks back from the air lock.

In the cockpit, Capac chats with the Computer about installed games --Texas Hold'em, Parcheesi, Cards Against Humanity?-- because Splitsie gets mad if Capac uses the reactor cooling rods as bowling pins again. Tic Tac Toe is the only game available; also, the computer seems to be suggesting "Risk", but there are no dice. Capac admits to changing the ship's language protocols to "IKEA catalog" which explains why the computer has encouraged Capac to put a Korkken in his Knagglig.

Capac has not forgotten to look for mineral deposits: He learns that their ship is a few dozen Astronomical Units out from the unidentified central star. Capac squeegees the screen to verify that nobody sneezed on the display: The system contains a few planets and *millions* of asteroids. Capac identifies shattered planetesimals in an asteroid belt between the rocky planets and the gas giants, containing carbonaceous, metallic, and silicate asteroids. The computer is waffling on unhelpfully about how many Boholmen it can fit per Omar, causing Capac to be hungry for meatballs. Splitsie is taken aback--Capac can read raw sensor data?

Capac confirms the computer dropped their ship into a lower orbit and the debris field is slowly falling behind. Splitsie's beacon should be able to match the field's orbit with its reaction control system. Splitsie blames Capac's sudden knowledge of astrophysics on Algal Nutrient Paste. Capac reassures him that the paste is good because it's green and therefore natural. Capac finds a suitable M-type asteroid with a nickel and iron core, and traces of other elements. Splitsie plots the course.

During transit, Capac is bored and loses 10 Tic Tac Toe games in a row against the computer. Capac is tired of IKEA furniture and Splitsie begs to revert to the previous language protocol. The computer transmits a course to the warning beacon that makes it match the orbit of the debris field. Next, they take course for the detected asteroid. Capac runs out of the cockpit and gets sick at the bottom of the stairs.

The RX-39487 flies majestically into space, away from the warning beacon.

## Epilog

Capac is lying face down on the floor, wondering whether some more Algal Paste would make him feel better.

## Capac's log book entry (fixed by Splitsie)

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> ~~Dashing Adventurer's Log, stardate...?Handsome Adventurer's Log, Stardate 06022287. My companion and I have awoken from cryosleep aboard the SS...?~~
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> Divine Adonis Adventurer's Log, Stardate 06022287. My trusty companion and I have emerged from cryostasis aboard the RX-39487.
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> ~~The ship is damaged, and we are stranded...~~ The ship is damaged, and we are stranded in a mysterious solar system.
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> ~~We have no food or supplies...~~ We have little food.
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> ~~We were attacked by a vicious swarm of space wasps...~~ Our ship was damaged by a cloud of debris.
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> ~~Sadly I took a fatal injury and was instantly killed.~~ Sadly I took a *near* fatal injury. I hovered close to death as my loyal crewmate fought valiantly to bring me back from the brink.
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> ~~Bravely I continue to fight against the perils that besiege us...~~ Bravely I continue on in the face of the unknown.
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