Panic Broom

### Characters (in order of appearance)

SpeshDiv Robot, The Commander, Space Tree, Allon, Tarbob, Freely McWheely, Forescore Jones, Mee

## Credits

### Credits

none

The Commander buys a new ship with his "gameshow winnings", but ends up getting MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR.

## Transcript

*(open to a ship just floating around in space; everyone else in this scene is inside it)*

**SPESHDIV ROBOT:** Thus concludes the tour of this ship. As you can plainly see, this shiznip is the shiznit.

**COMMANDER:** It sure is, my good man. But I'm gonna have to talk it over with my business associate before even thinking about pur-chasing. *(one of the SpeshDiv's eyes explodes)*

*(he walks over to Space Tree, who has a pipe)*

**COMMANDER:** So what do you think of the ship, Space Tree?

**SPACE TREE:** Well, I think you shouldn't be wasting your game show winnings on this, when you could be donating the money to a more useful cause. Like the Space Tree foundation.

**COMMANDER:** Well, I think you should shut your stupid tree hole. I'll take it! *(holds up a bag of money, which the Speshdiv Robot takes)*

**SPESHDIV ROBOT:** You have made a wise decision. So long. *(he exits, then slides back in)* Suckeeer! *(his other eye explodes, then he exits again)*

**COMMANDER:** I wonder what he could have meant by that.

**SPACE TREE:** Well, maybe it has something to do with the thing in the corner over there.

*(he (now wearing sunglasses) points to a broom in the corner)*

**COMMANDER:** What the...? What in the hell is this doing here?

*(the SpeshDiv robot re-renters)*

**SPESHDIV ROBOT:** Oh, did I forget to that this house comes with a free complementary broom? I guess my circuits must be fried, because I'm a robot! HAHAHA! BEEO! *(he zips out again)*

**COMMANDER:** This wasn't part of the deal!

**SPACE TREE:** Well, looks like you got screwed. I warned you about wasting your money on-

**COMMANDER:** Oh, shut up Space Tree! I'll be just fine living with the broom, all right? I'm- I happen to be very open-minded. I have no prejudices like you. But, just to be on the safe side, you better stay here too, just while I settle in.

**SPACE TREE:** No thanks.

**COMMANDER:** Oh, what, because of the broom? Stop being so uptight, Space Tree. It's the 21st century now.

**SPACE TREE:** *(the sunglasses are gone)* Hey, that has nothing to do with that. I just don't wanna stay here overnight.

**COMMANDER:** Whatever. *(he holds up a list of people he knows (Vol. 2))* I'm sure I know someone else who will. Want to.

*(cut back to Space Tree's ship)*

**ALLON:** Bye, Space Tree! I'm gonna go sleep over at the commander's new ship.

**SPACE TREE:** Okay then. Make sure you don't stay up too late.

**ALLON:** I won't.

**SPACE TREE:** And by the way, you do know he has a broom there, right?

**ALLON:** Uh... On second thought, I think I'll stay here-

*(Space Tree kicks Allon through the door and closes it)*

*(cut to the Commander's ship)*

**COMMANDER:** So, do you wanna play truth or dare?

**ALLON:** Eh, I'm really more into I spy.

**COMMANDER:** Well, fine. We'll just watch some TV.

*(he pushes a button on a remote, and a TV comes down from the ceiling, and turns on. We're right in the middle of a Channel K News broadcast)*

**TARBOB:** -behind Robin Hood's golf clubs. In other news, former Space President Freely McWheely *(a picture of the ex-pres appears next to him)* is still recuperating in the hospital after being impaled through the head several months ago *(the F. Mcwheely in the picture gets impaled, then it cuts to his unconscious body on a hospital bed)*. It is unclear when he will be fit to come back to work, *(the picture changes to Forescore Jones thinking "I'm baffled.")* and the universe's top detectives are still baffled as to who- **or WHAT** *(the picture changes to a silhouette of a broom surrounded by question marks)* could have inflicted such a terrible injury on this innocent half-tree, half-crocodile-lookin'-thing.

**COMMANDER:** *(gasps)* Did you hear that, Allon? Who or *what*? I think we both know what could easily impale someone through the head.

**ALLON:** Uh... I don't think the broom-

**COMMANDER:** Shhhhh! Not so loud! *(whispering)* It can hear you!

*(cut back to the newscast)*

**TARBOB:** If you have any information that could identify Freely McWheely's attacker, *(a binary code flashes onscreen)* please call this frickin' number!

**COMMANDER:** I'm just gonna go use the phone... *(he walks away; a thought bubble with "I'm baffled." appears above Allon)*

*(cut to the Commander, holding a phone)*

**COMMANDER:** Oh my God.

**ALLON:** ...

**COMMANDER:** Oh... *MY GOD*.

**ALLON:** What?

**COMMANDER:** The phone line is dead!

**ALLON:** Have you even hooked it up yet?

*(he runs back over to Allon)*

**COMMANDER:** You see what's happening, Allon? He's trying to silence us! He knows that we know that he knows that we know that it was *him* who assaulted the Space President!

**ALLON:** Commander, we were both there! *I'm* the one who stabbed him through the head, remember?

**COMMANDER:** You?!?

**ALLON:** Yeah.

*(crazy-sounding music plays in the background)*

**COMMANDER:** You're saying you're working for them?!

**ALLON:** For who?

**COMMANDER:** Stay back, Allon! Don't come near me with your broom, uh... face!

**ALLON:** What are you talking about?

**COMMANDER:** Stay back! I'll fight if I have to!

**ALLON:** Commander, stop being such a-

**COMMANDER:** I'll kill you first!

*(cut to a silhouette of the two; the Commander picks up the broom and stabs Allon through the stomach with it)*

*(cut back to non-silhouette land; Allon at first appears dead, but then wakes up from the shock)*

**ALLON:** WHAT THE HELL, MAN?! I mean, heck!

**COMMANDER:** I'm sorry, Allon! I- I did what I had to for- Hey, wait a minute!

**ALLON:** What?!

**COMMANDER:** Look, after all this, it was the *broom* that saved my life!

**ALLON:** Saved your life?! I didn't even DO anything!

**COMMANDER:** Don't you see, Allon? Brooms are just like you and me!

**ALLON:** You frigging STABBED me!

**COMMANDER:** Well, Allon, you stabbed the President of Space. So I guess this makes us even.

**ALLON:** Well- when you put it that way, I- I guess I got what I deserved.

**COMMANDER:** That's right. And you never would have learned your lesson if not for this sexy, sexy broom (he rubs it)*.*

**ALLON:** Yeah.

*(they both look/smile at the camera)*

**COMMANDER & ALLON:** Hooray for brooms!

*(Allon stops and coughs blood on the Commander for, like a while)*

*(a screen with "On the next Space Tree the Space Tree" appears, like on Arrested Development)*

**ANNOUNCER:** On the next Space Tree the Space Tree, The Commander moves back in with Space Tree.)

*(the scene cuts to the Commander (still covered in blood) walking towards Mr. Tree)*

**COMMANDER:** It turns out I paid with Monopoly money!

*(cut to Allon)*

**ANNOUNCER:** And Allon gets a much-needed surgery!

**ALLON:** Uh, shouldn't you be pulling from the other end?

*(we see the "licensed doctor" behind him is Mee, and he's about to pull on the broom's handle instead of the sweepy part)*

**MEE:** Hey, who's the doctor here?

**ALLON:** You?

**MEE:** Me/Mee. Now hold still, cuz on the count of three, I'm gonna pull as hard as I can. One... two...

*(cut to the end screen)*

## Easter Eggs

* There's a hidden button at the end credits, below the word "menu", saying "yeah, an easter egg." Click on it to see Forescore talk about thought bubbles.

*(cut to Forescore Jones, watching Tarbob's show, the TV shows Forescore Jones thinking "I'm baffled.")*

**TARBOB:** *(voiceover)* and the universe's top detectives are still...

**FORESCORE JONES:** Hey, I don't remember thinking that. But then again, thought bubbles don't lie. *(a thought bubble floats in, reading: "Zombies totally suck, man")*

## Fun Facts

* The Commander's "People I Know- Vol. 2" list consists of: Space Tree, Allon (the green kid), Mee Marone, PinkFrosting88, Ghost Spider, Philip Seymour Horseman, Forescore Jones, & That guy who says "probably".
* When the Commander gasps after watching the TV show, it says "GASP" next to him.
* The "friggin' number" Tarbob asks to call is 01101110011001010111001001100100
	+ When read as binary, this translates as "nerd"; the decimal number would be 1852142180.

## References

* When Space Tree kicks Allon out the door of the ship, he presses the "Fiery Execution" button. Beside it is the "open door" button. These two buttons were previously featured together in I'm Gonna Kill You in the Space and Back to Beardland.
* The SpeshDiv robot slides back into the room to say "Suuuuuckeeeeeeeeer!" in the same way that The Commander does in I'm Gonna Kill You in the Space.
* The rock the Commander sits on while switching on the TV is from Cannibalize This.
* The TV itself is from Harassin' Assassin.
* Commander says that thought bubbles don't lie in Serious Kidnapping.

* The "On the next...Space Tree the Space Tree" part is a reference to the American TV show Arrested Development.
* The title of the episode is probably a parody of a movie called Panic Room.
	+ So is the fact that the phone line is dead because he didn't install it yet. A similar predicament occurs in the movie.