B027 Ravnica Part 3

> "*When the curtain goes up, the pants come down.*"
> ― Onderus
>
>

**Ravnica Part 3** is the twenty seventh bonus episode for Queens of Adventure. It is the third and final part of the Ravnica one shot, in which the members of the Cult of Rakdos host a show like no other.

## Synopsis

*Previously: Performance venues of the Cult of Rakdos have been shut down by the Azorius Senate. A group of cult performers, having escaped a raid, have been tasked with uncovering who is behind the raids and putting on a show that will humiliate them.*

As the team's contact, Travis Orzhov d'Orzhov leaves, Onderus casts *animal messenger* to send a raven to Neozar, asking them to give Travis sanctuary. As the bird flies off, he casts *skywrite* to put an advertisement for their show in the air. Gabranth suggests they advertise pants mending, to draw in their prey. The raven flies through one of the clouds, and most of the people around read the message and consider it. Theodor plays a drum beat as Barb'ra shoots sparks around the message to further advertise.

Satisfied with the buzz they created, the team returns to the gore house. Neozar the Dramaturge greets them, having gotten Onderus's message and will welcome Travis if he comes before escorting to the Archive.

Gabranth uses mage hand to ring the bell, and Jane emerges from her crevasse. She says she got the information, but asks Neozar to find her bra which she forgot upstairs, as her eyebrow twitches. He leaves, and Gabranth sends an invisible marionette to watch him. Once alone, Jane takes them into the crevasse to talk privately near the massive shelves of the Archives.

She explains that she began to make some connections as she found the information they asked for. Jane says an Orzhov vampire is interested in taking over 6th precinct real estate, for free, to set up a Pants and Pedicure Emporium. Onderus theorizes that this vampire is working with dirty Azorius judges to shut down the clubs, despite Rakdos not breaking the Guild Pact, in order to get the land. Jane's research reveals the vampire is named Nos 402, who apparently cannot urinate if they think someone is watching. Jane also knows that Nos 402 had gone to Rakdos shows, until someone included pants splitting in a show, and right after the shut downs began.

This begins to inspire the artists to come up with ideas for the show. They will advertise pants repairs, but not actually provide the service since it is all a trap anyway. Onderus asks Jane why she is helping them, since they know she is a double agent, and she only says that she thinks their goals are aligned.

The group leaves her crevasse and heads down to the demon pits of Rix Maadi. The demon's throne is empty as Neozar arrives, confused he couldn't find the bra. Various performers show up. Neozar builds the enthusiasm for the show in the cult members before bringing up the troupe to tell them all what they need.

Theodor instructs the cult members to look out for people who need to pee their pants or reacting to split pants. Barb'ra asks for a fountain of strawberry margaritas for running water sound and an open bar. Onderus suggests they bring in lots of awkward audience participation, and *yes, ands* Gabranth's idea for a giant pair of pants to be made out of the pants that everyone attending the show gives up at the door. Izzet league members there for tech support agree to help with that.

Further plans they decide on include: They decide to make the urinals an art installation to broadcast sound. On stage, they will tear off their own pants, then tear the giant pants at the climax of the song, where Lylið will be hiding, doing the splits. At that moment, a spotlight from behind the pants will shine on their target in the audience as the pants burst into flames.

The Rakdos giants head to the street of the smelting quarter and set up a stage and makeshift street fair, as the cult members begin to disburse. As midnight approaches, the Izzet goblins turn on the lights and magical amplification systems. A crowd gathers, and it becomes a Carnival, which compels many passerby to watch. Onderus looks for Pierce.

The first act passes as a montage. Gabranth takes the stage with their glockenspiel and marionette, having the marionette play the instrument. After, they head into the audience and find ten attendees (three humans, two goblins, one bachelorette orc, one frat boy orc, and three centaur) up on stage for Onderus's number, taking their pants as they head on stage.

The giant feet on stage slam down on them, pinning them down. Throwing off his cloak, Onderus takes his flogging devices to strike them to make notes he wants.

Barb'ra climbs to the top of the pants with their scimitar-scitar. They jump, casting *featherfall* as they begin their song. The mellow vibe begins to cause the crowd to relax, and their bowels to relax. Sparks ignite the hair of some of the crowd.

Theodor takes the stage, doing pushups as more and more people climb onto their back. Onderus assists with a *guidance* cantrip.

Lylið uses her acrobatics to do a contortionist act while playing the skin flute of several audience members. It goes well until she scrapes someone with her teeth. They shriek in pain, and knock over the participants. As blood spurts, the crowd goes wild, and she dances in the blood, trying to hide her bruised pride.

The first act ends, and the group gathers to prepare for the big second act. Theodor can tell one person seems to have their arms crossed, and fanning themself. They are a tall, pale, gaunt female with silver hair. Onderus asks the stage hands who say this person reacted to Onderus's toe nail beating number. Their moles say she came with two giants, and an entourage of Azorius precogs.

Lylið uses her drunken mastery to stumble to the giants, thus avoiding the precogs, and tears some pants as she walks. The giants will only tell her that the vampire, Nos 402, is their boss and don't ask questions.

The troupe finishes their preparations. The pants lower down from above the stage. Gabranth, Theodor, and Barb'ra begin to play. Onderus is drumming giants asses backstage, as Lylið hides in the pants. Two of them troupe slowly tear the trousers. Lylið jumps out, using slow fall to land in the splits, while Barb'ra casts *prestidigitation* to make yellow streaks to leak down each leg. Gabranth casts *fireball* onto the crotch.

In the densely packed crowd, Nos 402 watches as the flames ignite. Barb'ra casts *phantasmal force* to make her feel she has to soil herself, and Onderus casts *hold person* while Gabranth speaks in her head with *awakened mind*. Her hair flows back, her eyes go wide. Theodor takes center stage, pointing out her embarassing situation as the spotlight hits her.

The vampire's veins change colors before she bursts into flames and a fountain of blood, spraying the audience. The crowd is ecstatic. Lylið splits her pants as Onderus casts *conjure animals* to make a swarm of bats in the blood fountain, spreading the blood across the neighborhood.

Off to the side, Neozar gives them a thumbs up. "You have completed... whatever that was!"

The troupe leaps into the air, and for a moment are frozen in mid air. Down in Rix Maadi, the demon Ravnica watches, entertained.

### Characters

#### Party

* Barb'ra - simic hybrid bard of swords (Butylene O'Kipple)
* Gabranth - human warlock of the chain (Harlotte O'Scara)
* Lylið - goblin monk of the drunken master (Fraya Love)
* Onderus - loxodon druid of the circle of spores (DM Matt)
* Theodor - human barbarian zealot (Arson Nicki)

#### NPCs

* Neozar the Dramaturge
* Basic Jane
* Cult of Rakdos Members
* Izzet League Support Staff
* Show Attendees
* Nos 402 (Debut)
* Azorius Precogs
* Pierce
* Rakdos (Debut)

## Episode Notes

### Lore

* A Orzhov syndicate vampire is attempting to open pedicure shops by buying up land from closed Rakdos clubs.
* The Izzet League has members that help with the technical aspects of Rakdos shows.

### Memorable Quotes

* "Does the raven say, Nevermore?" - "No Sass! I say to the raven." - Theodor and Onderus
* "I'm very dramatic, I narrate my comings and goings." - Neozar the Dramaturge
* "As a player can I make the DM roll for deception?" - Matt
* "One of the things we need then are magical trouser elves to stitch all of these pants together during the number" - "Well, funny you should mention that." - Gabranth & DM James
* "I mean, there's a fountain of strawberry margaritas, there's going to be a twerk-off." - Barb'ra
* "We've gone from setting people on fire to a bunch of minor inconveniences." - Onderus
* "Of course! We have our resident Natalie Imbruglia expert." - "Imbrugliologist." - "Hmm... I can't remember." - Theodor, Onderus, and Lylið
* "Would you all be willing to be my human props?" - "Only if I get to be the prop used on the human props." - Theodor and Gabranth
* "Is there anyone who looks suspicious?" - "There are a LOT of people who look suspicious." - Onderus and DM James
* "It's sort of like a xylophone, but for my mouth." - Lylið

### References

* Seagulls from Finding Nemo
* Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven"
* St Francis of Asisis
* Lurch from Adams Family
* Raiders of the Lost Arc
* Day of the Locusts
* Burning Man
* Tandi Imon Dupree
* Tom Hanks in Big - giant piano scene
* "When is a raven like a writing desk"
* The Goonies
* Gremlins 2
* Gwar
* Legally Blonde - Bend n Snap
* Matrix 2
* Breakfast Club

### Name That Tune

* "Yellow" - Coldplay (Orchestral version)
* "Torn" - Natalie Imbruglia
* "Man I Feel Like A Woman" - Shania Twain
* "Stronger" - Britney Spears
* "Dueling Banjos"
* "Sweater" - Weezer
* "Africa" - Toto
* "Dont You (Forget About Me)" - Simple Minds

## Behind the Queens

* This is the final part of the Ravnica one shot that was recorded for the Podcasts of Ravnica online event from November 2018. The full story was considered too long, and too crass, to be provided to Wizards of the Coast for release, so only the first part was released.

* Out of character, Harlotte asks Arson to 'do the shots again'. This is a reference to the time in the main podcast where Arson's character, when trying to distract an npc by spilling a tray of shots, rolled a natural 20.

01-10: The Day of the Lepus - Hang Ten - Putting on a Show - Doube D20 - DragCon - Children of the Cornball - The Lost Treasure of the Neverglades - Enter the Wigsnatch - Cragmaw Kerfufle - Kickstarterversary Retrospective -
11-20: Chat with Bryan Wuest - Ravnica Part 1 - The Fur Hole - Release the Meat (Lost Mines Part 2) - QoAQnA - Interview with Celeste Conowitch - PAX 2019 - Secretly Hot - Mr Boogaloo's Dungeon Dash - 2019 Year in Review -
21-30: Gaylaxicon 2019 - Feetpics for the Hellwasp Fingering the Bone Throne - For the Queen! - Haus of Geek Live - Ravnica Part 2 - **Ravnica Part 2** - Interview with James D'Amato - Seattle in Chicago
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