Jill & the Ghost

Jill and the Ghost is the second story told in the podcast Astonishing Tales of the Highly Improbable. It consists of five episodes and tells the origin story of Jill the Post-Human.

## Part 1: Mavis

Lloyd Allen begins with a hip "hewwo" and announces the sponsor for the episode, Sadie's Sweet Shop. He adores sugary goodness, and sings a few bars of "The Candy Man," wistfully remembering how his boyfriend used to sing that song to him. Ex boyfriend, he corrects himself, and sadly ruminates on how he must have long moved on by now. Lloyd suggests downing your sadness in sugary yumminess, and he says he would do that, if only he was capable of eating. But he does admit that one of the few advantages to being a Doll is not having to worry about pooping, or having to deal with unwanted smells. In the middle of a rant about the misery about being a Doll, he hints at having plans for "this lunatic asylum of a city." The Sentent Room accuses Lloyd of being salty, but he does not understand what that is supposed to mean.

Mavis, a retired teacher, allowed herself to be more eccentric and become a crazy cat lady, but was careful never to appear too mentally unhinged. She volunteered at the asylum, and had started teaching drama classes and performance workshop. There was a boy who followed Mavis around, though most people couldn't see him, and those who could were usually locked up in the asylum.

Mavis had been in the asylum when she was young, and spent two years receiving horrible shock treatments. She almost gave up, until the ghost child saved her from losing all hope. He couldn't speak, but he could send her mental images. He gave her a will to live, and he helped her learn how to hide her condition, and finally she managed to convince the doctors she was well enough to let go. She made sure to appear normal and well adjusted, but kept a room in her house to display her condition.

Mavis had never wanted to have anything to do with the asylum again, until a chance encounter with the town drunk, Old Herman. He could clearly see the ghost boy, and was talking to him and reaching out to pat his head, and Mavis was inspired to volunteer at the asylum. She loved the innmates she was teaching drama classes to, and she told them that three hours after their final perfomance, they were going to burn the place to the ground.

Lloyd says that they do take requests, and as one of these requests, the cover song for this episode is "Shiny" from Moana.

## Part 2: Darla

Lloyd welcomes the listener to a "joy filled episode" of "escape into spiritual and sexual fulfillment" brought to you by Dorothy's Game Emporium, on Cardillo Street. Lloyd mentions that he was a chess child prodigy. He learned chess from his father, a university professor who had no concept of how to relate to children. Lloyd knew that he was an annoyance to his father, but Lloyd's mother pestered his father into playing games with him, so he taught Lloyd how to play chess at the age of five. It was the only thing they did together, and his father only did it out of duty. Lloyd says he prefers not to talk about his mother. His last memory of his mother is when he was six: she was hugging him, crying, saying she had to go away for a bit and promising that she would be back for him some day. Lloyd cried too, begging for her not to go, or for her to take him with her. Lloyd would ask his father when mommy was coming back every day for a year. Lloyd was left to his own devices, but they would occasionally play chess with his father. At seven he finally beat his father, and by the time he was eight years old, his father was no longer able to beat him at chess.

His father was genuinely proud of him and enrolled Lloyd in an academy with a renowned chess club, a primer for the professional circuit. Lloyd stopped going home for holidays, and was at first he felt at home with the other awkward game nerds. Eventually got tired of playing the same game and winning every tournament, and was unsettling with how much attention was being put on him. Eventually he drifted off, and found his first boyfriend, Matt, the star of the theater department. Lloyd says that being with Matt reminded him of his mother and the energy she had brought into his life. Matt got Lloyd into theater, and became a stage manager. Lloyd brags says that he was good at the task, bringing chaos and madness into order, and he also had a head for business that the theater kids lacked. Lloyd says that was the first time he knew real happiness since his mother left.

Lloyd seems surprised when The Sentient Room seems to be genuinely interested in hearing about his childhood. He says The Room is one of the only people who have been kind to him, and at The Room's prompting, Lloyd makes a brief effort to be kindlier and gentler about the way he refers to New Albion.

Darla Channing had wonderful memories of going to the Renaissance Faire each year. During her teenage years, she met Dorian, who was gorgeous and had an irresistible wildness. They began to hook up, and at the end of the summer were very much together.

There were rumors that the staff and performers of the faire had once been inmates in an old insane asylum, which they had burned down and escaped from. Now, the crazy and weird would come from all around and join the Faire instead of being locked up. There were stories that if you saw a little ghost boy or heard a fairy song or saw the devil, you knew you would end up living with the troupe.

Dorian and Darla were on again and off again during their university years, but eventually ended up together for good. They were both party animals, but Darla slowly grew out of it while Dorian didn't, and his drinking became a problem. Darla became pregnant with Jill, and Dorian tried to quit his drinking for the sake of the child. He was successful for two years, but slipped back into old habits and a couple years later he was gone. Darla didn't mind being a single parent, and she was happy and hopeful about the future as she brought her six year old daughter to the faire for the first time.

While they were walking among the booths, Jill asked her mother who that boy was, pointing at thin air. She began talking to the empty space, as all of the crew working at the booths grew silent and Darla panicked, protesting that they cannot turn her daughter and take her. One of the workers softly said that nobody turned anyone into anything, they were all already as they were when they saw him. The worker placed a comforting hand on her shoulder as Darla clutched her daughter and cried.

The "lovely little ditty" covered at the end of this episode is "Number 1 Crush" by Garbage

## Part 3: Jan

Lloyd begins by saying "This week we're going to yeet you another fine episode," causing the Room to laugh at him. Lloyd protests that he is sure he used it correctly, as he proficient in adapting to the hip colloquial slang of local youth cultures. He is trying to appeal to the kids, to help increase the number of listeners so he can start planning something interesting. He promises to be a lamp for the youth to flock to, and yeet will be their rallying cry.

The sponsor for this episode is Harlan's Hardware, but The Sentient Room interrupts and says Harlan's Hardware has been blown up. Lloyd and The Room have a disagreement about whether it is a war, or a "momentary terrorist activity," with Lloyd being of the opinion that the rebels have been acting for a year now and the promise that it will be over soon is government propaganda. Soldier 7285 has been arrested, but it is unclear if he is still alive. Despite the fact that it's illegal to mention their name Lloyd says the Voodoopunks are still around, as he feels quite safe and unreachable in his pocket reality. Lloyd debates the pros and cons of utilizing the Voodoopunks or the government for his plans, and considers reaching out to Jacqueline O'Brien. Without a proper sponsor, Lloyd wonders how to pay for this week's episode, and he says he might head over to a certain club and buy some cigarettes from an oddly well connected girl.

A traveling troupe, including seven year old Jan, set up for a two week run of shows in a field next to a town. As members of the troupe performed their improvisation performance, Jan explored the field and found a hedge with a large center stone alter to play in. On the night of the solstice, a group of hooded villages were chanting and dancing at the hedge. Jan watched the ceremony perform, and with a great flash, three creatures appeared on the rock. The elf-like creatures, who had legs and tails like rats, were caught into a net and thrown into a pit beneath the rock.

Jan kept observing the scene over the next few days, and watched groups of people come visit the creatures trapped in the pit. Usually it was three men and a woman who descended into the hole for a while, and after they emerged again the woman was happily hugging her stomach, talking of magical offspring. One night Jan went down to the rock, and called out to the creatures, who begged for him to release them and offered to bestow magic upon him when he did. Jan ran back to the troupe to get help. When the troupe saw the scene, some got nervous and wanted to leave it alone. Jan's father started talking to the creatures, and five of the men started to move the rocks aside. The villagers, dressed in hoods again, arrived and began shouting and attacking the troupe. At some point during the fight, the creatures escaped and one creature placed its hand on Jan and told him they always kept their promises. By the end of the night, there were bodies of villagers and troupe members lying dead on the ground. Jan thought that he was the only survivor, until he came across his own body.

Lloyd is growing tired of making the same ending announcement each week, and wishes that he could record his voice to play back at the end of each episode. The song for this episode is "Number 1 Crush" by Garbage

## Part 4: The Witch

Lloyd is in a delightful mood, as he finally begun a plan to escape from "this backwater mucus dump, this wretched vomit bucket masquerading as a functioning reality." He looks forward to meeting up with his boyfriend again, insisting that he has never been disloyal to him no matter how many years passed. Lloyd does not consider sleeping with other people as being disloyal. Lloyd cannot have any "happy joy time" in his current body, but he knows that his boyfriend has "shagged a mile long laundry list of the psychologically stunted and grotesque."

Lloyd says that he did take a trip to the surface, and visited Cora at the Rhumba Club. Cora introduced Lloyd to Jacqueline, who Lloyd considers to be a walking cloud of grump. They set up an exchange of favors, and Jacqueline promised to send someone to find the Akashic Monastery. Lloyd hopes someone at the Monastery can help him, maybe even someone who has flowered.

Lloyd brought The Sentient Room a treat, no meat and nothing dead, but a pile of junk which seems to be food for The Room. This week's sponsor is Karen's Baby Store, and Lloyd presents the ad in a manner which shows great disdain for the annoyance of babies. Lloyd calls himself "your friendly neighborhood thot" and hopes that soon he won't need the show anymore as won't need the collective psychic repository for a bit of reality bending. Lloyd gives a loud, drawn out "YEET" before the story begins.

Jill grew up in the traveling Renaissance Faire, and her best friend was the ghost boy named Jan. Jill made it her mission to figure out a way to finally grant Jan the death that would finally bring him peace. Jill was close friends with Madame Chatterlaine, a respected tarot reader. When Jill was eleven, Madame Chatterlaine brought up the idea of witchcraft to help with Jill's goal to free Jan. Adolescent girls possessed great amounts of chaotic psychic energy, and if Jill worked steadily, in a decade or so she could be competent enough to help her friend. Madame Chatterlaine could get her started, but she was not a powerful enough teacher to help Jill with the type of spell she was looking to pull off.

A short pudgy older woman arrived at the faire to be Jill's teacher. Her initial assessment was that Jill had such potential and interesting futures ahead of her, and the woman was delighted to instruct her. She spent three days with Jill and gave her a large leather bound book. Jill spent a lot of time studying this book, and every year the pudgy woman would visit and she and Jill would disappear into the woods for her lessons. When Jill was eighteen, she saw the woman for the last time. The woman had brought a tattoo artist, who drew a strange symbol just in case Jill met "the other fat woman" and found herself at the bottom of a reality well.

Jill went trough various phases during her adolescence: an emo phase, goth phase, an eastern mysticism phase, a hippie phase, a geisha phase (for one day), a furry phase, and amazonian warrior phase. She had three boyfriends and four girlfriends, but Jan remained her best friend throughout. Jill kept learning magic, with the ultimate goal of getting to Imperian, (alternatively called Elysium.) The spell to get there took twelve moon cycles to cast, and created a doorway that only lasted a few minutes.

The first time she cast the spell, she and Jan found their way to a beautiful world. Ceridwen greeted them, welcoming them to join the paradise at The Crossroads. Ceridwen introduced them to The Baron Samedi, and she excitedly told them about the wonderful world they were building for transhumans. They were planning on shutting the gates permanently, removing their world from time itself. Jill quickly figured out this was not the right place, and left before the portal could close.

She had gotten a minor herb wrong. A year later she finished casting the spell again, and this time the portal lead them to a beautiful outer space, with a wash of hypnotic color slowly swirling about them. Jan said that this was the right place, as they spotted three enormous grotesque creatures were rushing towards them. Jan sent a message about reincarnation and disappeared. Jill performed a quick escape spell and disappeared right before one of the monstrous horrors reached her. She teleported to a place that was never supposed to be perceived by human senses.

Lloyd says "blah blah blah, song sung by some scum of a musician, here you go dear sweet vermin" and a cover of "The Scotsman" by Bryan Bowers is performed at the end of the episode.

## Part 5: Where You're Not Supposed To Be

Lloyd continues to try to use youth slang as he happily introduces what he hopes will be the very last episode forever. He is so excited at the thought of someone coming and helping him get far away from this place. By now Jacqueline has sent a Voodoopunk off to the Akashic Monastery.

The Room asks how Lloyd flowered. He was hunted by a mad death cult while working at an ad agency, being involved with the city's theatre scene. Lloyd noticed them following him and was prepared when they started attacking him. Lloyd says being constantly under attack was like living in a horror novel, and that the cultists got the idea from the Post-Humans in The Crossroads. After they had locked themselves in a transdimentional prison of their own making, the biggest enclave of post humans ever assembled were trapped there for centuries. William declined the offer to join the group at The Crossroads, and Lloyd says that William is one of the only people he looks up to. Lloyd warns that William is not to be underestimated, even though he has embodied a comical old coot archetype, he is the only one who has the ability to switch archetypes at will. William is not human anymore, and is the only one to survive long enough to evolve into what post humans were meant to become, Lloyd thinks. Lloyd says that if, or when, he gets out of here, he will make it his mission to find William and confirm if his suspicions are true.

The post humans at the Crossroads couldn't get out, but they could inspire others, and they thought they could cause a flowering. The Crossroads had gotten in contact with the death cult and manipulated them into targeting Lloyd. The stress of being constantly hunted, tore Lloyd's life apart and nearly drove him mad, but it worked and Lloyd flowered. He then sent the cult a note: "allow me to retort." The sponsor for the episode is Berenstain's Bagels, and Lloyd has nothing bad to say about bagels. Yeet.

Jill was floating in space, and cast a protection spell that surrounded her like a bubble. She tried to avoid looking at the insane scene around her, as every time she opened her eyes she lost a day to mad fits of giggling and crying. She took off her shirt and tied it over her eyes like a blindfold, and after falling asleep for a bit, she was able to think again. She tried to remember what she knew about other dimensions, recalling information about the Collective Unconsciousness, the Fay Lands, The Metaverse, and Elysium, before concluding that she was in the ultra-dimensions above Elysium which were built on entirely different physics and states of reality. She tried various teleportation spells to escape, but each time she had to open her eyes to check if it worked, she was always set back into another fit of madness.

Jill couldn't perform it properly but still she cast a holy guardian angel spell. She kept recasting it multiple times, her only remaining plan to continue doing so until she ran out of energy. By casting this spell, she sent out a beacon, and was recused by a future version of herself in a large wooden shoe with three teddy bears, using a large candy cane to collect her before turning back around to safety. After she landed, she heard applause, and her own voice telling her she was going to be fine. They sent her to the Metaverse, where she found and entered a tower and met Michael.

Lloyd says that the "musical morons" forgot their instruments, and the cover song at the end of the episode is an a capella rendition of "Cows With Guns" by Dana Lyons.