263: I Need Some More...Rhinoplasty

## Summary

The crowd surges forwards, and the party begin ascending the stairs, each in their own inimitable way, and do a surprisingly good job of keeping up with race leaders. Will scouts around the rest of the festivities for Sooty Gang members, encountering a couple of minor gang-related incidents, and one gang member who tries to kiss him, before being promptly *Polymorphed* into Will's pocket. He hides in *Bill Suit's Suits* store to escape any retaliation, where he meets the proprietor and buys a suit, just in time to witness a horrifying event: an explosion at the top of the dam and a screaming Arbiter Beartoggle plummeting head over heels before hitting the ground with a sickening thud.

## Synopsis

The race is underway and the crowd of runners surges forwards! The base of the staircase is still some distance off, giving everyone a fair go at getting to the stairs first. Will had cast *Fly* on Batthwack, given Raphina frog sac shoes, but he realises he's not given Gwen any advantage at all. It occurs to him to give her his *Luckstone*, so he yells her name and darts into the crowd, just as the race gets underway and is immediately swept up into the throng, his voice drowned out. He sends her a *Message*, *"Turn around and catch this lucky rock and don't drop it!!"* Gwen turns mid run and catches the stone skilfully, actually having to sprint ahead to make the catch, giving her a bit of a lead.

Batthwack zips forward, flying just a couple of inches off the ground, periodically touching it with his toe to make it look like he's running, and quickly moves to the front of the pack, which is stretching away from the majority of runners pretty quickly. There are a lot of people taking part in the race just to have fun, but quickly moving out in front are Helen, who is flat out sprinting and Gorbis, who is using his agility to bounce and weave his way through the other competitors. He hops near to Gwen and tries to trip her, but she keeps on her feet. Neck and neck with her, he flashes her a bright smile. As he continues he seems to be trying to waylay several of the other competitors. Raphina is also near the front of the pack, her shoes giving her a boost. Noticing that she actually has some competition, Helen snarls ferociously at them all, but they're not intimidated, so she re-focuses on running and charges onwards.

Will is stuck amongst the crowd of runners near the back, mingled with spectators who are now following behind. He tries to spot Sheemie, who is running, but it's difficult for Will to make him out from here. He's also in mind to try and locate any signs of the Sooty Gang, given that he thinks this event would be a perfect target for them. However, there's just so many people and so much going on, that he can't spot anything at the moment. Taking care to guard his pockets (Ricardo Ulysses is still out there somewhere!) he continues to move along with the crowd.

The dam looms above the racers as they near the staircase itself, which scales the wall, switch-backing up and up, much higher than the party recalls. Batthwack's neck and neck with Helen, and keen to make the most of his advantage while the spells lasts, but just as they reach the first step, she stumbles, tripping on the extra half step that Raphina had added after they first descended the staircase. Batthwack, of course, sails over the extra step effortlessly. Gwen and Gorbis both stumble too, but Raphina leaps joyfully over it, landing on her hands and fluidly going into her cartwheeling and continuing up the stairs.

Meanwhile, Will is still being swept along with the crowd into the festival square where there's food stands and other vendors, everyone is having a great time. There are more of the circular, mirrored discs magically displaying real-time images of the race leaders. One of these seems to be focused on Batthwack and he sees the dragonborn fly up to the railings on the set of stairs above him, just about pulling off a barely believable pretend leap, exaggeratedly pulling himself up. The crowd gasp at this feat of athleticism. Will shouts out *"WHATEVER!"* He's keeping an eye out for Sooty Gang members, but he's also trying to spot where the prize-giving ceremony might take place, presuming it's somewhere at the bottom of the stairs. He even wonders if Arbiter Beartoggle will send the key down through one of the tubes running up and down the face of the dam.

Will suddenly spots that one of the circular mirrors is shaking oddly. Looking up, he can see the head of a figure on the rooftop directly above where the mirror is suspended. From the tell-tale white head with black eyes, he feels pretty sure this is a Sooty Gang member. Suddenly the disc comes crashing to the ground and shatters. There's a shriek from those nearby, who turn and run. People rush in to deal with the situation and Will scans the rooftops for more gang members, but sees nothing and by the time he looks back, the head he had seen has vanished from the rooftop.

In the shaded alcove of a nearby doorway, Will sees an ibish with white feathers and black circles around their eyes, which again he presumes to be another member of the Sooty Gang. They make eye-contact with him and jerk their head, suggesting Will go over. Suspicious of a trap, Will looks around for obvious threats, but seeing nothing obvious, he makes his way over. The ibish asks if he wants to make a bet on the race, saying *"Good money in it. Good odds."* Will feigns uninterest, but asks what the odds are and the ibish says *"Well, we've got 1-1 on Helen. We've got 2-1 on Gorbis and 4-1 on anyone else."* Will suggests they may have tried to manipulate the outcome of the race, but the ibish says *"Who do you think you're talking to?"* and introduces themselves as Pip. Will thinks this could be made up, but Pip says his parents gave him the name. Will really wants to cast *Detect Thoughts* but can't because he's still concentrating on Batthwack's *Fly* spell.

The rest of the party continue their assault on the stairs. Gwen pounds up the steps a few at a time like an animal, her amethyst claws digging in to the steps and giving her extra power. Raphina's gleeful cartwheeling and continuous cry of *"Weeeeeee!"* confuses a few of her fellow competitors, but some are inspired to copy her, which causes them to tumble over and take out a few other racers. Something of the mood in the city today is very reminiscent of the Beartoggle she remembers and this seems to help her find a rhythm that just perfectly matches the stairs and before long she's in amongst the frontrunners.

Batthwack's up ahead, still vaulting up the railings and doing his best to keep track of the time, knowing that the *Fly* spell will run out after 10 minutes. Thinking he has time for one last jump he launches himself upwards just as the spell runs out, finding himself falling instead. However he's able to catch his feet on the railing he'd leapt off, flip upside down and then catch the railing below. He hauls himself up and re-joins the race just as Raphina cartwheels by. *"How humiliating!"* she calls out, and Batthwack dashes after her, determined to catch up.

Down below Will witnesses this event in one of the scrying mirrors. He turns back to Pip and says *"Who do you think you're kidding?"* and moves his hand over his face, using his *Disguise Self* spell to briefly make himself look like a member of the Sooty Gang, as though he's revealing his true appearance. Pip appears to be taken in by this and asks Will what he's doing there. He's just saying he's working on something secret when Pip says *"Are you here to punch me or kiss me?"* Will's trying to work out what this weird turn of phrase could mean (is it code?) when Pip leans in towards him, eyes closed. Will doesn't want him to discover that his appearance isn't an illusion so he jabs Pip on the beak, but this doesn't seem to stop him and his beak meets Will's mouth. Will hurriedly casts *Polymorph*, transforming the ibish into an earthworm and he plops to the ground. Picking up the slimy creature, he immediately regrets his choice of animal, and quickly deposits him in a bottle of glowing lichen he's carrying, looking around and feeling extremely paranoid that he must be surrounded by ibish.

He runs to the nearest store and darts inside, finding himself surrounded by suits. A voice from the back calls out in welcome *"Heeey, welcome to* Bill Suit's Suits*!"* The voice belongs to the proprietor of the store, who introduces himself as Bill Suit. Will couldn't care less right now and ignores Bill, moving into the store to get away from the window. He's hiding amongst the suits when it slowly dawns on him that these suits are actually really to his taste and unusually very un-Beartogglian in style.

Bill asks him for his measurements and Will distractedly reels them all off without even thinking. Bill goes to take off Will's jacket so he can get him to try something on, but Will tries to shake him off, paranoid that he might be trying to pickpocket him. Will's torn; he really wants to buy a suit, but right now he's a little preoccupied. Bill's annoyed that Will's wasting his time, and the two argue. When Will says *"You don't know anything, you're from Beartoggle,"* Bill corrects him saying he's from Bufflin, which stops Will in his tracks. *"I came here to sell suits to these people who don't know how to wear a suit."* He says he has heard of Tivoli, which he describes as *"a little backwater town up the river from Bufflin, where I grew up. They make bricks!"* Will's manner suddenly changes and he is suddenly very physical with Bill, grabbing his lapels and getting right up in his face. Bill does back down slightly at this, suggesting Tivoli's only a backwater town in comparison with Bufflin. He says it's big, but "heathens" live there, *"with the sex clubs and the shankin' people left and right."* When Bill says he hasn't been there in years and doesn't know any names of anyone from there, Will relaxes and goes right back to talking about the suits.

As the staircase race continues outside, Batthwack, Gwen and Raphina's staminas are holding up impressively as they power their way up. Helen is still well in the lead, paying no attention to those behind her as she strides upwards, three steps at a time. Gorbis is gaining on her, and as he draws neck and neck with Gwen he turns and cheerfully strikes up a conversation with her. It quickly becomes very flirtatious and he cockily suggests she have dinner with him after he wins the race. Gwen tells him she was quite well known in Morrow's Inlet and this reminds Gorbis of the Artbiter's announcement about the town. He asks *"Did you blow up Morrow's Inlet?"* and Gwen hesitates, breathing heavily, and eventually puffs *"We'll have to talk more at dinner!"*

Raphina and Batthwack are able to begin catching up with Gwen and Gorbis while they're distracted, the sweat pouring down their faces. Raphina suddenly has a taste of wonderfully sweet fondant in her mouth and it suddenly dawns on her that her fondant nose has actually become unstuck and is beginning to melt off her face. She asks Batthwack to catch up with Gwen so she can supply her with another fake nose. With a concerted effort, they do manage to close the gap and with as much subtlety as he can muster, tells her *"Annie Part needs more fondant rhinoplasty."* Gwen points out that she can't do that now her magic pouch is gone, but she offers what she does have and Batthwack takes some sponge candy, thinking that's the best bet. He returns to Raphina and she does her best to form the sponge into some kind of erosion control on her face.

Back in the suit store, Bill brings out a black suit for Will, saying that his red one is terrible and too "Beartogglian" and Will agrees. They negotiate the price. Will thinks it's probably worth about 15gp, but carefully *Prestidigitates* a stain on the suit so he can knock some money off. Bill accuses him off foul play, *"There was no stain on Bill Suit's suits!"* and demands he remove it. Will feigns offence at the implication he had anything to do with it. Despite the combative nature of their discussions, the two eventually manage to bond over the fact that they're both away from home and have a similar name, in fact Bill says that his name is short for Billiam. Will won't admit that they're both Bufflinites, saying *"Tivoli built Bufflin."*

Will seems to warm to Bill and agrees to pay full price for the suit in exchange for some info on the Sooty Gang. He doesn't have much to say except that they're crazy, breaking stuff all the time, and he also mentions the punching and kissing thing, which Will asks him to elaborate on. Bill says an ibish came in the store and asked him to kiss him, which Bill refused to do, saying he doesn't want to kiss anyone other than his wife. He says his wife lives upstairs and is called Billy. Will roars with laughter and Bill has to admit it is kind of funny. He asks if Will wants to meet her, which he politely declines. There's some more arguing about this before things settle down once again and Will pays the 15gp for the suit, saying he might come back again.

Finally Will is free to look out the window for more ibish and does spot a couple of them kicking the poles out from under a kebab tent, causing the whole thing to collapse. The ibish run away as a fire begins to break out. Will continues to search the crowds for any more of the white-feathered, black-eyed ibish. There are a few scattered in the crowd.

The rest of the party are still completely focussed on their race, but beginning to feel like they might have bitten off more than they can chew. Suddenly, a huge cannon blast rings out from the top of the dam, causing the crowd to flinch and look up at the source. At the same time, a long scream is heard as the body of the Arbiter Beartoggle, recognisable by their distinctive attire, plummets down, hurtling head over heels in front of the staircase. Moments later there is a sickening thud as the body hits the ground, accompanied by more screams from up above.

## Trivia

* The episode title was Abby/Raphina's plea to Batthwack during the staircase race, when her fake nose made of fondant started to melt off her face.
* All of Will's family were mentioned out-of-game: Curtis, Vera, Bernard, Millie, Madelyn and Frederick!
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: bodacious.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured Abby doing a recap to the tune of *Runnin' Down A Dream* by Tom Petty:

*[Verse 1]*

It was an endless night, Will had stormed out once again

Hey wait that's weird, he's a-runnin'

Gwen tries hard to follow but he vanishes

Hey wait that's weird, he's a fish now

*[Chorus]*

Yeah, running and a fish, predicted by the Discord Mad Libsh

Did our listeners know or wish for Will to run and be a fish?

He's stunning as a fish

*[Verse 2]*

Gwen gives up and pays a fee for kitchen use

She has until 5, pans start flying

Raphina gives up pretending that she's fast asleep

She grabs the paladin and goes Will hunting

*[Chorus]*

Yeah runnin' down the Will, is he angry at Batthwack still?

Too much Bufflin whiskey was consumed and several egos were bruised

Roll perception to find Will

Wii iill

Wii iill

Wii iill...

Wii iill

Where the heck are you Wiiiill?

Wii iill...

*[Verse 3]*

A moustache fish, it gasps like it needs oxygen

So obviously, Raphina sends it flying

The frenemies stand by the river arguing

The halfling shuts them up with a diversion

*[Chorus]*

I pick-pocketed your orb, while you were super absorbed

Didn't I do a good jorb? Nothing else rhymes with orb

Who has the sun sworb?

*[Verse 4]*

The purple orb melts through Raphina's finger tips

Nobody knows why, so we move on

The race day dawns, so we head to the starting line

The participants' shirts are all green neon

*[Chorus]*

Running in the race, up and down the great staircase

The city key is what we chase, so someone's gotta win this race

Up and down the stair case

## References

1. ↑ These two weren't named in the previous episode, they were the human and halfling that Gwen approached before the race. See episode 262: On Your Marks, Get Set, STAIRCASE!!
2. ↑ KT says Will has *"experience with gang stuff and intimidation stuff"*
3. ↑ It's pointed out here that Batthwack's left his pack in the hotel room, but has brought his necklace, the key to the suite, his long sword and his chainmail. Will's left all his "mundane stuff" in the room, but has kept his money on him, his ruby necklace and his *Immovable Rod*. Later it's decided that Will would have his bottle of glowing lichen
4. ↑ See episode 247: He Still Doesn't Know He's on a Podcast
5. ↑ Eric makes a distinction here about Arbiter Beartoggle: *"This is not the Grand Arbiter, the Grand Arbiter is in Carnivar."*
6. ↑ Will obtained the lichen from the caves at the back of Morrow's Inlet. See episode 213: The Seven of Decapitations
7. ↑ See episode 262: On Your Marks, Get Set, STAIRCASE!
8. ↑ See episode 245: Meesa Mo
9. ↑ Eric says *"There are other ibish. They're rare and scattered among the crowded. The majority of the crowd is halfling as you've noticed in the town overall. That's the majority of the populace of this town. There are lots of other races, they're less common, from elves to half-orcs to whatever, and ibish are scattered in among those."*