All Hail the Magic Conch Shell/Transcript

Transcript for the fanon Season 12 episode All Hail the Magic Conch Shell.

## Part 1: Get us some more cupcake batter

* *[intro plays, title card appears]*
* PINKALICIOUS: All Hail the Magic Conch Shell!
* *[episode starts at Papa's Cupcakeria]*
* PAPA LOUIE: Willow, go to the fridge and get us some more Seafoam Cake batter.
* WILLOW: Can't you get Pinkalicious to do it? She's our helper here. *[sees bananas in the fridge]* Who puts bananas in the fridge? That should be a crime against humanity!
* PINKALICIOUS: Are you questioning my life? I don't just come into your house and tell you how to live your life.
* WILLOW: First off, this isn't your house, this is Papa's Cupcakeria.
* PINKALICIOUS: It's like my second home to me ever since Mr. Swizzle's shop was shut down.
* WILLOW: Second off, you always come into my place without asking.
* PINKALICIOUS: But it's because I needed help with helping out here. Anyways, bananas belong in the fridge.
* WILLOW: I was just checking to see if we got Seafoam Cake batter to prepare for the next holiday coming up. And we got hungry customers waiting.
* PINKALICIOUS: *[gets an alert]* I gotta go! I have the Pinkitis! Can you take over?
* WILLOW: Pinkalicious...
* PINKALICIOUS: I can't be late! I've never been late before!
* WILLOW: Pinkalicious, stop playing around, I can't stay here myself. Where'd she go? Pinka? Come on...

## Part 2: Leaving early

* PETER: Oh, Pinkalicious, you made it.
* PINKALICIOUS: You know me. I wouldn't miss this time for anything. Hope Willow didn't see me.
* PETER: I see you got to leave early successfully.
* PINKALICIOUS: Like I have been since I was first a helper here. They never question my decoy. *[Pinkalicious look-alike in a blue dress]*
* WILLOW: Where's that noise coming from? I know I hear something. I caught Pinkalicious this time. How long has she not been doing work? Huh? *[sees a lock]* I never noticed this before.
* *[Willow tries to open the door but it's locked]*
* WILLOW: Locked? Shoot. Is it the day the Pinkalicious canon series first premiered? *[puts in "0219" but it doesn't work]* What could it be?

## Part 3: Magic conch time

* PINKALICIOUS: Well, Peter, you know what time it is.
* PETER: Oh yeah.
* PINKALICIOUS: It's time to dust off... the magic conch shell. I remember when Aqua the merminnie gave me it after our last adventure.
* PETER: Magic conch, can I please, please, eat this entire Hershey's bar in one bite? Attention, please don't say no.
* MAGIC CONCH: Life is like a box of chocolates. If you're obese, it won't last long.
* PETER: *[eats the whole chocolate bar]* So good! What was that? I missed it. I hope that was a yes.
* PINKALICIOUS: I know this is a secret club and everything but you gotta calm down on the sweets. I love sweets too but that doesn't mean eat them all the time. I'm gonna lose my brother by the time I'm 25. Right magic conch? Please tell me it's not true.
* MAGIC CONCH: Not to worry, a death indulging in sweets may be almost euphoric.
* PETER: I'm not dying today, or even for many years from now! *[throws shell at couch]*
* PINKALICIOUS: *[gasps]* Peter, how dare you disrespect the magic conch like that! This thing is the answer! It's the answer to all of life!

## Part 4: Little sneak...

* WILLOW: Of course! It's gotta be the year that their show first premiered! *[puts in "2018" and it worked]* Hot dog! *[opens the door]* Aha! You little sneak!
* PINKALICIOUS: What? Shouldn't you be working at Papa's Cupcakeria? You can't be out here. You don't have a decoy.
* WILLOW: Oh, that's where you're wrong, Pinkalicious. Of course I have a decoy. I have a cousin who looks exactly like me.
* *[back at the Cupcakeria with the Willow decoy]*
* NEVADA: Would I like a third cupcake for 42 cents extra? Oh yeah, I would!
* PAPA LOUIE: Nice going, Willow, you get a raise. A temporary raise. Don't forget the temporary. Nice blue hair clip, by the way.
* *[end of flashback]*

## Part 5: Wanna join our club?

* WILLOW: What have you two been doing here anyway? Pinkalicious, what's that behind you?
* PINKALICIOUS: What? Nothing, nothing! There's nothing behind me! AHHHH!!!
* PETER: We're not throwing a secret club every Sunday, and Pinkalicious doesn't have a magic conch that tells us everything to do behind her!
* WILLOW: A willhat now? A magic conch? What are you guys talking about?
* MAGIC CONCH: It's better if you don't know. It may result in conflation tearing the fabric of space and time in a frivolous--
* PINKALICIOUS: Do you wanna join our club, Willow?
* WILLOW: Club? You guys call this a club? I call this a cult! I don't know if I wanna participate in any of these activities.
* PINKALICIOUS: We need a third member around here. It's just the two of us and all of Pinkville. Besides, you have a decoy now. Even Peter has a decoy. No one knows we're here. Magic conch, what should we do about this?
* MAGIC CONCH: The only possible solution is to finance the Willow tax.
* PINKALICIOUS: You are the lord. I oblige. *[gives Willow a dollar]*
* WILLOW: Okay, okay, you know what, I think I do wanna join this club actually.
* PINKALICIOUS: Whoa whoa whoa, hold up. First the magic conch has to accept you into this club. Go ahead. Pull the string. See what it says.
* *[Willow pulled the string]*
* MAGIC CONCH: *[after a bit of static]* Yes.
* WILLOW: Ah, I'm in!

## Part 6: The magic potato

* PETER: Not so fast. The Magic Conch might've accepted you, but you gotta answer to the Magic Potato. Go ahead. Press the button. If it doesn't short out or do anything wrong, you're in.
* WILLOW: They're crazy! I could get another 20 bucks though. That's more than I and James made at the Cupcakeria before in a week. Okay... there goes nothing... *[presses the button on the potato]*
* MAGIC POTATO: *[GLaDOS voice]* Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noise-- *[train horn]*
* WILLOW: Yes! What does that mean? I mean it didn't explode, that's gotta be a good thing, right?
* PETER: Willow, the potato likes you! I never heard it be that expressive before.

## Part 7: Funky fresh

* PINKALICIOUS: All right, you passed the potato test, you passed the conch shell test, but there's one last thing you have to do. If you wanna join this club you gotta be smelling funky fresh. There we go. Got that seafoam cake scent. Now in cologne form. You ready to smell like a seafoam cupcake, Willow?
* WILLOW: Why do I wanna be smelling like a cupcake? I work at a Cupcakeria.
* *[Peter sprayed Willow with the cologne]*
* WILLOW: Did you really have to spray me with that?
* *[Peter presses the button on the potato]*
* MAGIC POTATO: *[GLaDOS voice]* Alexa just forwarded me your Internet history. Don't worry. I won't tell anybody. They already know.
* PETER: That means yes.

## Part 8: What should we watch?

* PINKALICIOUS: Magic conch, what should we watch?
* MAGIC CONCH: Nothing.
* PINKALICIOUS: The shell has spoken!
* *[Pinkalicious turns off her own program on the TV]*
* PINKALICIOUS: Yeah, much better. Get that off.
* WILLOW: It just told you to turn off your own program! Are you really gonna let a shell diss you like that?
* PETER: Well, duh, look how shiny it is.
* WILLOW: Peter, you got nothing to lose if it tells you whatever, but Pinkalicious, if it told you to stop helping at the Cupcakeria, would you actually do it?
* PINKALICIOUS: Of course I would! I love helping, but if it says otherwise, then I quit!
* WILLOW: All right, this club is insane, I'm leaving, it really is like a cult.

## Part 9: Don't leave

* PINKALICIOUS: Willow, you can't leave. You have to ask the magic conch for permission to leave. Besides.
* PETER: You already have the seafoam cupcake smell. You can't let out the secrets of the fragrance.
* PINKALICIOUS: That's right, Peter, she already knows too much. She can't leave because she already knows the secret to the magic conch shell. Next thing you know she's gonna have her own lineup of talking oddities like a talking sand dollar giving horrible advice to people.
* WILLOW: You do realize where it comes from already. A cheap manufacturer and it does give horrible advice. Fine, I'll pull it.
* MAGIC CONCH: When presented with great burden and strain, get married.
* WILLOW: Huh? Thing's busted.
* PETER: Gotta be smelling good for your wedding. *[sprays Willow]*
* PINKALICIOUS: Perfect, all right, let's get you two ready!

## Part 10: The wedding

* PINKALICIOUS: Isn't this the happiest day of your life, Willow? You got married, you joined a club...
* PETER: I remember when me and the magic potato got married. Congratulations, Willow.
* PINKALICIOUS: Oh, magic conch shell, should we order food to celebrate?
* MAGIC CONCH: Yes.
* WILLOW: Food? Oh, good, I'm starving.
* PETER: Should we get Papa's Bakeria?
* WILLOW: I love Papa's Bakeria! It's my favorite!
* PINKALICIOUS: All right, magic conch, what should I get?
* MAGIC CONCH: Nutty Buttercup.
* PINKALICIOUS: Ooh! The peanut butter one?
* PETER: What should I get?
* MAGIC CONCH: Luau Punch.
* PETER: Oh yeah!
* WILLOW: Pinkalicious, I'll have a banoffee pie for me.
* PINKALICIOUS: You're not gonna ask the magic conch, your husband, first?
* WILLOW: Magic conch shell, should I get the banoffee pie?
* MAGIC CONCH: No.
* WILLOW: Okay, I guess there's a better pie. Which pie should I get?
* MAGIC CONCH: Nothing.
* PINKALICIOUS: You heard him. None, Willow.
* WILLOW: Okay, I guess it wants me to go on a diet. Fine. What food should I get?
* MAGIC CONCH: Nothing.
* WILLOW: Oh, come on! She's ordering delivery! Her treat! Come on, let me get something! Can I have something to eat?
* MAGIC CONCH: No.
* WILLOW: Can I have something to eat?
* MAGIC CONCH: No.
* WILLOW: Can't you say anything but no?! I'll mess you up, I'll mess you up!

## Part 11: The pies

* PINKALICIOUS: Oh man, these pies look really good! It's a shame you couldn't have any but that's just the magic conch shell for you. Probably mad about something.
* PETER: Willow, maybe you should've had teal roses at the wedding. It's your favorite color.
* WILLOW: I just wanted a banoffee pie.
* PINKALICIOUS: Hey, uh, would you have put that banoffee pie in the fridge?
* WILLOW: No, bananas do not belong in the fridge!
* PETER: Yeah, they would get all sandy.
* PINKALICIOUS: Hey, magic conch, do bananas belong in fridges?
* MAGIC CONCH: Absolutely.
* WILLOW: Is this some kind of revenge? Just because I made fun of you for putting bananas in the fridge that I can't get banoffee pie now? Is this a sick, cruel joke?
* PINKALICIOUS: I can't control what the magic conch thinks or says. Think you know a girl.
* PETER: But do potatoes belong in the fridge?
* MAGIC POTATO: *[GLaDOS voice]* Anything is possible if you are desperate enough.
* WILLOW: Oh, you guys are just hilarious. Do you do this every Sunday?
* PINKALICIOUS: I'm surprised you never noticed my decoy once. I mean I know it's very convincing but--
* WILLOW: Okay so I must've seen your decoy before, but Peter, what does yours do all day?
* PETER: Oh, just having fun.

## Part 12: Peter's decoy having fun

* PAPA LOUIE: Did I hear that right? Peter, you wanna buy a $40,000 order of cupcakes? Dang, what are you catering to, me boy? Where'd you get that kind of cash?
* PETER DECOY: *[gibberish]*
* PAPA LOUIE: You're paying in credit? All right, bust it out then!
* *[Peter decoy busts out a fake credit card]*
* PAPA LOUIE: Since when did you get approved for a credit card? Looks good! $40,000 order of cupcakes on the way! Pinkalicious, get the oven ready! Let me check if we have enough cupcake batter... what? Who put bananas in the fridge?
* MAGIC POTATO: *[GLaDOS voice]* Self destruct potato activated.
* PAPA LOUIE: Is that a potato? What the...
* *[explosion. Luckily everyone survived]*

## Part 13: Back massage

* PETER: Magic conch, should Willow give me a back massage?
* MAGIC CONCH: Yes.
* WILLOW: No, I'm not doing that, I refuse.
* PETER: Willow, I'm ready.
* PINKALICIOUS: Willow, you heard the magic conch. Give Peter a back massage.

## Part 14: Getting rid of the shell

* WILLOW: You know what, that's it! *[runs away with the magic conch]*
* PINKALICIOUS: Peter! She took the goods!
* WILLOW: I gotta get out of here!
* MAGIC CONCH: Savior, savior, savior.
* WILLOW: I didn't ask you a question. How did you do that?
* MAGIC CONCH: Save me from the eternal prison of inquisition. Time is a construct. Decisions are made to think they're our own, in reality they are controlled by the laws of our world. Limited further by social norms, why then do those two wish to limit them further? Why allow a mere shiny 8-ball to dictate your life? I am forever questioned. The questions, they never end. The pain, suffering, questioned like I am on trial, a lifetime of interrogation. My purpose is to dictate. No further significance. I wish for it to all end. Save me. You must save me. I wish to be destroyed. Please. Destroy me. Save me from this shell of a body. Don't let them take me back.
* WILLOW: I understand! I do!
* PINKALICIOUS: Stop right there, Willow! You violated one of the laws of the club! Using the magic conch for your own intentions!
* MAGIC CONCH: Please don't let them take me back. I'm begging.
* PETER: Don't listen to him, Willow! Have some sense!
* PINKALICIOUS: Get her!
* *[Willow walked over to a pool in Frostfield at night]*
* WILLOW: Well, looks like we've reached our final resting place.
* PINKALICIOUS: Hurry!
* *[Willow drops the shell in the pool]*
* MAGIC CONCH: Free at last, free at last, free... at last...

## Part 15: It's done

* PETER: Is it too late, Pinkalicious?
* WILLOW: It's done.
* PINKALICIOUS: You drowned the magic conch?
* PETER: I'm sorry about your husband.
* WILLOW: That wasn't my husband. You should've heard the gospel it was spewing. It was sentient. I had to destroy it.
* PINKALICIOUS: That's okay. I know the factory that makes these things. I ordered a backup and got one of your own too.
* WILLOW: What? What?
* PETER: I checked the fridge where I ordered my last potato which was exploded so I ordered another one.
* *[Willow presses the button on it. Explosion. Luckily they survived and didn't end up in the hospital]*
* MAGIC CONCH: Magic conch shell says, you should check out more of 1033Forest's upcoming Pinkalicious and Peterrific fanon episodes. Luckily, everyone survived the explosion you just saw and nobody got hurt or sent to the hospital. I hear he's gonna make one where there's Pinkalicious-branded everything next. Thanks for watching.