279: Miracle Whip It Good

## Summary

A fight erupts between the party and Opo's henchmen. It's a maelstrom of mutts, mayonnaise and misty steps and even Steed Corral makes a brief appearance!

## Synopsis

*"Javelin!"* *"Rosco!"* *"Authenticity!"* *"Mayonnaise!"*

Following their war cries, the party leap into action, everything happening all at once. Batthwack pulls out a javelin as Opo charges at him, but before he can do anything, Will, who is still drug-addled, briskly steps in front of Opo, gesturing to Batthwack to wait a second. At the same time, Rosco and Raphina throw their beloved possessions: Rosco the dog and the *Alchemy Jug* which, following Raphina's cry, is now brimming with mayonnaise. Rosco's target is Sanjay, the burly door guard, and Raphina's is Opo's ibish companion.

Rosco dog flies through the air in slow motion, jowls pushed back, big ears flapping in the wind, a big grin on his face. He begins to turn towards the jar of mayonnaise as it whips along and Raphina, who was so in tune with him having been literally speaking his language, realises this is going distract Rosco from his attack. She thinks to herself *"Oh man!"* and a great pun on the word "mayonnaise" flashes across her brain: *"Man... Neighs!"* This immediately reminds her of Batthwack's faithful celestial warhorse Steed Corral and all of a sudden, a green object hurtles down from above, landing with a clop. It is none other than Steed Corral, standing right in the centre of the room. The jar of mayonnaise bounces off his flank, crashes to the ground and shatters. By this incredible turn of events, Rosco dog is now fully re-focused on his mission.

Will steps into Opo's way, gesturing for a handshake, planning to bump into him as a well-practised pick-pocket would. As he does so he says *"Have you heard from Savnok lately?"* Opo instinctively grabs Will's hand, but his momentum flings Will to the side, and at that moment Will is able to use the impact to dextrously reach into Opo's breast pocket and grab whatever's there. He finds himself with a handful of dark, purplish soot, inside which is some sort of uncooked meat. *"This is exactly what I always wanted to do with my life,"* he thinks wryly to himself.

   Rosco lands on Sanjay's face and begins biting and clawing. Will tries to get Opo's attention again, repeating the same question but this time in a *Message*. As he continues to charge at Batthwack Opo screams *"Who's in my head?!"* Frustrated that Opo's progress hasn't been hindered, Will focuses on his leg and stamps his foot on the ground in an attempt to teleport again. It actually works! He suddenly finds himself directly in from of Opo, the two collide, and both go tumbling to the ground. The other ibish, Opo's companion, shouts *"Here Opo!"* in a gruff, thickly-accented voice, and throws a dark, dusty substance into Opo's face and this seems to revive him sufficiently that he immediately jumps to his feet.

Raphina stares at Steed in wonder. She feels more in tune with him than ever and when she asks if he can hear her, he replies calmly *"Oh yeah I can."* Raphina squirms with excitement before instructing Steed to charge at Opo's companion. He does so, rearing up and smacking him with his hooves, but Opo is perhaps tougher than he looks because he seems largely unaffected by this.

Rosco's dog continues to snarl and bite at Sanjay's face, but with little effect. In a surprisingly dextrous move, Rosco leaps over Will's prone body onto Steed's back, draws his quarterstaff and then dives at Sanjay. His weapon smacks into Sanjay's arm, but it just feels like hitting rock. He then dodges away again before he can be hit. Sanjay wrestles with snarling dog and manages to wrench him away. He then hurls the canine directly up in the air, where he lands on the staircase above them with a yelp. Sanjay swings his great sword and hacks twice at Steed, dealing enough damage with the first blow to send him winking out of existence. As a result, his second blow goes straight through and he stumbles forwards. Rosco uses this misstep to deftly knock the great sword out of Sanjay's hands, sending it clattering to the floor.

## Quotes

* Adam: *"Did an NPC role a critical fail in your D&D game? Did the DM fail to follow through on what that guarantees in Dungeons & Dragons? Come on down to the law firms of Rosco and Rosco. Don't mind the mustard stains! I'm always stained by mustard."*

## Trivia

* The episode title was something Alex said. Abby was describing what Raphina's war cry of *"Mayonnaise!"* was all about and described the halfling searching around for Lank's old *Alchemy Jug*. Abby: *"I look in my pockets for it, and I pull it out. And it's such an amazing object because of all of the spouts, I take it and I WHIP IT! So that it's going in circles like this..."* Adam: *"Do you Miracle Whip it?"* Alex: *"Do you Miracle Whip it good?"* Abby: *"Well done. Oh my gosh. This is just going in so many good directions."*
* Here's a link to the video of Adam's Sufjan Stevens performance, the one referenced towards the end of this episode: https://youtu.be/E2LAV5qXa20
* As referenced by Adam (though Alex was strangely quiet on the subject), the famous double-slit experiment is a demonstration of the fundamentally probabilistic nature of quantum mechanical phenomena. But you already knew that. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double-slit\_experiment
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: happy.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured Adam doing a recap to the tune of *Ring of Fire* by Johnny Cash:

*[Verse 1]*

There is a Sooty Gang

And there's a place where they hang

Made by a giant worm

With poop that'd make Will squirm

*[Chorus]*

We went down into those owl fucks' hide out

We went down, down, down

Until Will burst his eye out

Cuz he drummed, drummed, drummed

And then felt doubt

Because he'd blacked out

*[Instrumental Break]*

Doo-di-doo-di-doo-doo-doo-doo

Doo-di-doo-di-doo-doo-doo-doo

Drugs-drugs-drugs-drugs-drugs-drugs-drugs-drugs

Drugs-drugs-drugs-drugs-drugs-drugs-drugs-drugs

*[Chorus]*

We kept going, we couldn't give up and quit

Raphina called Rosco and got a critical perception hit

The dog barked, barked, barked

And Raphina heard it

From the worm-hewn pit

*[Verse 1]*

But then we met Sanjay

Whose mind seemed emptay

We tried our best to get through the door

Oh, but it proved a chore

*[Chorus]*

So Batthwhack ran and overturned a big brazier

I remembered fondly

Last year watching all of Frasier

Will and Rosco tried lying

A risky wager

Their failure was major

*[Chorus]*

Raphina snuck past Sanjay, a stealthy voyage

Out ran Rosco's dog

Chewing a severed appendage

The boss Opo came

To micromanage

With blackface plumage

*[Outro]*

So we each cried out

Our particular war cry

As Opo got high

As Opo got high

As Opo got high

As Opo got high...

## References

1. ↑ KT explained that Will's cry of *"Authenticity!"* and his desire to to be true to himself was reflected in his action to pickpocket Opo while talking to him as a distraction. KT said *"He has been hiding the fact that he is a socialite con man for a while. He's going to save the day by picking this guy's pocket or tricking him into making us his friend."*
2. ↑ See episode 164: A Star Trek-Themed Campaign
3. ↑ In fact, Adam confirmed that in Rosco and Rosco's practice sessions for "R&R" (the name for their particular brand of ranged attack involving Rosco (man) spinning Rosco (dog) in the air by his tail and hurling him at their adversary) Rosco the dog has never been able to master not getting distracted by flying mayonnaise.
4. ↑ Adam said that Rosco is *"able to use a bonus action to take the disengage action."* He then went onto say *"I've got that* Liquid Courage*. Presumably he's been continuing to er... Well, pretend I didn't say that. He's been taking swigs, but I didn't technically have him do that, but that's just temporary hit points by the way."*
5. ↑ Dear readers who aren't aware, Miracle Whip is a sauce condiment sold throughout the United States and Canada, developed as a less expensive alternative to mayonnaise. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miracle\_Whip