DPDA Case No. 14

The 14th case of the DPDA took place on the 20th of December 1992 and was a treacherous and dangerous journey through the depths of Malta. The following is written by Denzel Pepper.

## DPDA Case. No 14

### Performers

Denzel PepperCecil Longstaff

Bernard Smith

Tim Crescent

Benjamin Sellars

Simon Finch

Taron Wheelan

Sydney Sinclair

Gonzo

### Location

Malta

It wos an icy cold night all glittered in snow. Down at the DPDA headquarters, our story begins. Myself, Tim, Cecil, Bernard and Benjamin were snuggled up close together, as we had not paid the electricity bill for the building. We watched the film Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. It starred a little boy who looked remarkably like Cecil. All was going well, and we were up to the part in the film where the main boy - Kevin - is walking alone in New York, and has got into the car of a slashed-eyed taxi cab driver, when all of a sudden the phone went. ''BASTARD'' shouted Bernard, who had been deeply invested in the story. He had been shouting at the villains throughout the film, as though it were a football match. In fact it was a bit worrying how invested he was. As Benjamin picked up the phone, we had to pause the film, and Bernard started breaking out of all bounds just like Dr. Jekyll in the book Dr, Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We were patiently awaiting to see what the phone call was about. All we saw was Benjamin nodding his head every so often and going ''Mhm.'' and ''Yes.'' Benjamin put down the phone in a pensive state, looking worriedly off into the distance. Me, Cecil and Tim surrounded him like a really hungry vegan ready to eat some peas.

''It was about Sydney...'' muttered Benjamin. ''You mean...Sydney Sinclair?'' said Cecil in shock. ''Yes, yes I do.'' replied the Benjamin. We knew we were in for a night of peril. Simon Finch, the regional director of sales for the North-West of England had called, saying that Sydney Sinclair, sales director at the Manchester Branch of Cragglethorne Stationery had kidnapped a box of important client files and was holding them hostage for a yet undetermined amount of money. We were shocked, we knew Sydney was mad, but we had no idea he was capable of turning his back on Cragglethorne Stationery. He told us to come to the Manchester branch the next morning to interview the staff of the branch to see if anyone had any ideas as to why Sydney would do such a thing.

As we wished to get to Manchester early, we got in the Pepper mobile straight away, which Bernard was infuriated by as he wanted to finish Home Alone 2. To please him, we brought the cassette with us and promised him we'd finish it in Manchester. The journey was long and dull, Cecil was drained of all energy from partying hard all night the night before, and he quickly fell asleep on Tim's shoulder. We arrived in Manchester at around 2pm, and entered the Building. The vibe in the Manchester branch building took us by shock, everyone was smoking ganja and reggae music was blasting out through the speakers. We had found our wonderland. Cecil immediately ran over to one of the employees and asked him for grass. The employee gave it to him for free and Cecil blazed it up. We got to interviewing people about Sydney, first up was the regional manager, Taron Wheelan.

Mr. Wheelan was an eccentric Scouse man who talked of Sydney in a peculiar manner. ''I take very good care of Sydney. Very very good care'' he said with a smirk. I was unsure of what he was implying. I asked him to tell me what happened with Sydney, and this is what he said: ''Well Sydney has been in legal trouble for a while now, and he owes the government a jumbo sum of moulah. He decided to steal a box of files of some of our largest clients, and is now holding them hostage. He also sold several chairs and desks from this office space, and bought a flight to Malta with that money.'' We were shocked by the information. It seemed he had no real ill will by stealing the documents, but just wanted a way to make some money. When I walked out of Taron's office, I saw Cecil and Tim partying with some staff members of the branch. I was shocked that Taron did not tell them off, he just crossed his arms and watched with a smirk. ''I have a lovely bunch of little workers here. I'd bend over backwards for them, Denzel'' he said, licking his lips. I was once again unsure of what he was implying.

As I looked to my right, I saw Bernard interviewing a fashionable looking man of stern authority. It was Andrew Sinclair, brother of Sydney. Bernard and Andrew seemed to be getting along swimmingly as they were both men of similar authority and swagger. Bernard was showing Andrew his cookbook as Andrew was gently playing with Bernard's beard. I sat down next to Bernard and listened to what they had to say. Andrew said that Sydney had been watching a lot of gangster films lately, and had not been in the best headspace. He said that Sydney was trying to become a gangster in the streets of Manchester, however was failing. I shook hands with Andrew and thanked him for the information.

Next up to interview was Rocky, who we were told is a dangerous man of wild temperment. To remedy this, we got Cecil to interview him. We walked into his office, and waited for him as he was late. We were nervous, expecting a large gangster. Cecil said that he expects Rocky to look not too dissimilar to the Slashed-eyed cab driver from Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. We heard the footsteps nearing the office, and tensed up. Needless to say, we were shocked when a man of about 5'6 entered the office. ''ALRIGHT FELLAS WHAT YOU SAYING WHAT YOU SAYING'' he said shouting. ''I've just had some freaky experience right. So a massive bodybuilding geezer come running out the bushes for me, god knows why, so anyway I decked him - he went flying, and to be honest, I think I might have killed him.'' Cecil immediately connected with him and said ''Oh shit bro, yeah that's happened to me a few times, it'll be alright pal, don't you worry.'' The short man had a glimmer of hope in his eyes as he sat down and melted into his seat eying up Cecil. ''So boys, you got any coke?'' he asked suddenly. I checked my pockets to see if I had any left over, but unfortunately I did not. Rocky reached into his underpants and pulled out a small bag of white powder. ''Always got one spare'' he said with a cheeky tone in his voice. He organised the snowy powder into little lines on his desk and snorted several, offering some to Cecil, which he gladly accepted. ''WOOOOOO, OY CARAMBA, QUE PASA TIO?'' shouted Cecil. Rocky jumped on his desk and fist-bumped Cecil.

''Sorry to interrupt you Sir, but we need to ask you about Sydney'' said Tim suddenly. Rocky's face turned sour ''What you wanna know about that prick?'' said Rocky sharply, with an undeniable venom in his voice. I told him we just wanted to know what he knows about Sydney. ''Oh he's a great fucking geezer is Syd, me and him blaze up all the time, top fucking guy, top fucking guy.'' He replied, which confused and puzzled. ''I thought you said he was a prick?'' asked Tim. ''Oh he is, but he's a top prick inn'e'' replied Rocky. It was clear that we were not going to get any valuable info from Rocky, so we left him and Cecil alone to party. Me, Bernard and Tim went in the lobby of the office to work out a plan.

We decided that the next day, we would take a flight to Malta, bringing Taron with us as to calm down Sydney, as we had only met him twice before, and it was unlikely that he'd remember us, however Cecil did have connections with him as Cecil's gang - The West Grimsby Massive was allied with Sydney's gang - The Sad Tuesdays. All of a sudden, we saw a middle class looking cunt walk into the building - the CEO of Cragglethorne Stationery, William Tansworth. Bernard stared that prick down. I looked over at Taron, who had noticed that Tansworth had walked in, and quickly rose from his seat. ''I've just been informed that one of your employees has taken a substantial amount of confidential company files. Why has this individual not been fired.'' he said in a cut and angry tone. ''Now, now, William my dear let's calm down, you know I take very good care of my little pets and want to help them dearly...But...er...sometimes you just have to give them a break, do you know what I'm saying?'' he muttered in a soft tone, barely above a whisper. William looked confused for a couple of seconds and then said ''No, I don't know what you're saying. I want this person to be fired immediately, and I want to fire them myself.'' Bernard began flicking peanuts at the posh cunt, however he did not notice. ''You see William, there's the problem, the employee in question has...er...he's kidnapped the files.'' whispered Taron. William stared at him in disbelief for a while, before charging at him. Tim quickly stopped this and held the feril cunt back. ''There's 2,000 pounds worth of client details in that fucking file Taron you prick'' he shouted, with an anger in his whiny voice. ''I know, I know, Taron wants you to buy the file off him in Malta. He's not said the amount of money he wants it for yet.'' William sat down, and put his head in his hands. ''And William,'' continued Taron, ''The employee is Sydney.'' William rose his head to reveal a frightened look on his face. You see, just a few years prior, Sydney had thrown him in a bathtub and locked him there for 32 hours after he tried firing Sydney. Sydney then threatened to kill him if he fired him, so William had to acquiesce. He got off of his seat and began leaving the building. ''You lot sort it out.'' he stated and stormed out.

We left the building, before telling Taron he'd be coming with us to Malta. We walked over to our hotel room to get some sleep for the night. Cecil, Rocky and Taron went out partying all night, and ended up in police custody after being caught on suspicion of Cocaine possession. They were let out as Cecil told the police officer that all the coke had been snorted up, and they no longer possess it. The three went to sleep at Taron's house in Little Hulton, leaving us unsure whether they'd make the flight the next morning. Mine, Tim and Bernard's sleep was restless, we did not yet have a plan on how to catch Sydney without souring our partnership with him. When we woke up, Bernard was enraged, smashing up the hotel. We asked him what was wrong, and he told us that he forgot to finish Home Alone whilst we were asleep. He began crying, and in a sudden moment of weakness, we could see the pain and intense sorrow Bernard was feeling. We consoled him, hugging him and giving him words of inspiration. At 9:45 AM, We heard a pounding at the door. Tim got his pistol out in preperation in case it was some fake fucking gangsters, but as I cautiously opened the door, we saw that it was Cecil, Taron and Rocky.

## Gallery

Taron speaking to WilliamTaron in the car to the airport