Tik Tok

**Todd**: Um...critics will tell you if they don't like what your video turned out as. Like, I'm a critic and I don't begrudge the critics...at all. Um..."Tik Tok" is my greatest disappointment, though, because I am my own worst critic, and "Tik Tok"...ugh...at the end of the day, it just didn't work for me. I was not... And you know, it's..."Tik Tok" is one of those songs that's just been...was immediately parodied to death. It like, you know, enraptured, you know, the public consciousness, and so many people made such better jokes about "Tik Tok" than I did. Honestly, I'm not a fan of really *any* of my Ke$ha reviews. Honestly, I think I come off a little sexist in them. Eh, what are you gonna do? People told me they liked it, I didn't. Ke$ha - "Tik Tok," enjoy.

*[Fades out]*

*[Fade into Todd playing "Tik Tok" on his piano.]*

***KE$HA - TIK TOK.
A pop song review***

**Todd**: Before we launch into this week's song, I figure I should give you a little background on the singer Ke$ha. No, not Keisha (pronounced "Key-sha"); Ke$ha. And I can hear you saying already, "wait a minute. I've never heard of this girl, and anyone I've never heard of must suck."

Well, that is perfectly sound reasoning, but in fact, you might *have* actually already heard this girl and not realized it. Did any of you happen to hear Flo Rida's desecration of "You Spin Me Round"?

*Clip of "Right Round"*
**Flo Rida**: You spin my head right round, right round, when ya go down, when ya go down down
**Todd**: Yeah...isn't that awful? Well, did you notice the obnoxious female voice?

**Ke$ha**: You spin my head right round, right round, when ya...
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, that's her. (--Not her in the video, though) Boy, this week's song is looking better and better already.

**Todd**: And if you need any more evidence that she sucks, I just have one more piece of information for you—she spells her name with a *[single cover of "Tik Tok"]* dollar sign! Who was the last person to do that? Ma$e? *[Album cover of* Double Up*]* Man, that is *not* an example you wanna follow. I mean, it's bad enough that the girl's parents saddled her with the name "Ketchup." Can we look at that picture again? *[Single cover]* *Wow*. Could they have picked a less appealing picture of her? Were they just unable to find a photo of her where she didn't look coked out and about to puke? Okay, I've stalled enough. Her debut single is called "Tik Tok," which, incidentally, is also the name of my weekly podcast about *[picture of the Tick with label: "The Tick Talk"]* the Tick. Yeah. So anyway, let's just get through this surely abominous waste so that I can go watch TV. And...

*Video for "Tik Tok"*
**Ke$ha**: Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Im'ma fight
*[Todd is getting into it, dancing in his chair]*
Till we see the sunlight
TiK Tok, on the clock
But the party don't stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh
**Todd (VO)**: Um, honestly...

**Todd**: ...I...I'm really enjoying this. You know, maybe I was a little too negative. I mean, this song is a little bit of a *[clip of "Love at First Sight" by...]* Kylie Minogue ripoff, yes, but it's a dance song I can imagine dancing to. That makes it already ahead of the curve. You know what? Play this from the beginning.

**Ke$ha**: Wake up in the mornin' feelin' like P. Diddy
**Todd**: What?

**Ke$ha**: Wake up in the mornin' feelin' like P. Diddy
**Todd**: So...you feel totally forgotten and, like, no one's cared about you for the past six years. Well, we've all been there, deary.

**Ke$ha**: like P. Diddy (Hey what's up girl)
Grab ma glasses I'm out the door I'm gonna hit the city (Let's go)
Before I leave brush ma teeth with a bottle of Jack
**Todd (VO)**: Ewww!

**Todd**: Was there really no better way to put that? Do you clear your sinuses with a handle of vodka? Maybe, you know, reapply your contacts with a six-pack of Budweiser?

**Ke$ha**: 'Cuz when I leave for the night I ain't comin' back
I'm talkin pedicure on our toes toes
Tryin on all our clothes clothes
**Todd**: *[imitating] Like, totally, for sure.* Okay, why is she putting on this silly Valley Girl accent? Are we still doing that?

*Clip from* How I Met Your Mother*, specifically the video for "Let's Go to the Mall"*
**Robin Sparkles**: Chloe, mouse, I love it.
**Todd**: I thought *Saturday Night Live* was out-of-date when Adam Sandler and David Spade were pretending to be Valley Girls in the *early 90s.* I don't know why Ke$ha thinks it's such a hip thing to do in 2009. Or...or maybe that's what she actually sounds like. *[Thinks about it]* Oh! Oh, man, that didn't even occur to me! Oh, God, that's awful! Oh, there's one part of the 80s that didn't need to come back!

**Ke$ha**: I'm talkin pedicure on our toes toes
*[Intercut with Frank Zappa - "Valley Girl"]*
**Moon Unit Zappa**: And I wanted like to get my toenails done and the lady, like, goes...
**Ke$ha**: Tryin on all our clothes clothes
**Moon Unit**: I, like, love going into, like, clothing stores and stuff
**Ke$ha**: Boys blowin' up our phones phones
**Moon Unit**: Like, oh my God!
**Frank Zappa**: Valley girl
**Todd**: Now that I think about it, it's probably a good thing that she cleared up where she got the pedicures.

**Ke$ha**: I'm talkin pedicure on our toes toes
**Todd**: 'Cause I'm starting to get the feeling that she's the type of girl that, if someone doesn't clarify that for her, she'll try to get pedicures on her eyeballs or something.

**Ke$ha**: Drop top and playin' our favorite CD's
Goin' up to the parties
Tryin' to get a little bit tipsy
**Todd**: Wow! It's like Fergie...except with severe brain damage. *[Pause]* So it's like Fergie.

**Ke$ha**: TiK ToK, on the clock
But the party don't stop, no
*[Todd tries to get into it, but without much enthusiasm]* Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
**Todd**: Eh? Okay. *[Picture of present-day Mick Jagger]* If that does it for you. I mean, Mick Jagger *is* a legendary ladies' man, but *[clip of Jagger in video for "Start Me Up"]* *not* because of his looks. By the way, how much you wanna bet that half this song's fanbase doesn't even know who Mick Jagger *is?* Although, still, not as dated a reference as *[picture of...]* P. Diddy. Actually, could we back the song up just a bit?

**Ke$ha**: Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
**Todd**: Hey, Ron. You see those girls over there? Well, I hear they got *swagger*.

**Todd/Ron**: They got swagger, huh? Well, you know me. I'm always on the lookout for a girl with *swagger*. I just hope we're *[another picture of Mick]* ugly, misshapen and frog-like enough for her.

**Ke$ha**: look like Mick Jagger
I'm talkin' bout everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk
**Todd (VO)**: Aaagghh!

**Todd**: Look, maybe things are different where you're from, but where I'm from, "junk" has a very *[picture of Mark Spitz]* gender-specific connotation. I...I know what she's trying to say, I just wish she'd found a different way to say it. *[Imitating] Barf me out.*

**Ke$ha**: ...bout everybody getting crunk, crunk
**Todd (VO)**: Is *every* line of this song terrible?! Can we go back to the chorus? I like that part. And to be honest, the shine is coming off *that* a little too. I mean, look at this.

**Ke$ha**: DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Im'ma fight
Till we see the sunlight
**Todd (VO)**: Does "fight" mean dance now? Since when? I thought she was going to a night club, not a *fight* club!

**Ke$ha**: we goin' til they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us down man
**Todd**: Come on! You're just repeating yourself now? Couldn't come up with anything to rhyme? What's the matter? Was it too hard to find a rhyme for the word "down"?!

*Clip of "Down"*
**Todd (VO)**: Apparently!

**Ke$ha**: Or the police shut us down, down
**Todd (VO)**: *[imitating] Like, oh my God, I can't believe the police shut us down. Shya!*

(OBLIGATORY SWEET-SOUNDING BRIDGE)
**Ke$ha**: Yeah, you got me
You build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
**Todd (VO)**: This bridge is nice, but it doesn't really fit with the other STD-crusted verses.

**Ke$ha**: Put your hands up
Now, the party don't start till I walk in
Don't stop, make it pop
**Todd (VO)**: And we couldn't come up with any other lines for that verse. Okay, I'm done with this.

**Todd**: This is a frustrating one for me because it's fun and it's catchy and you can dance to it, but...oh, God, that voice, those lyrics, they're just killing it for me. Like, just beating me over the head with that persona. You know, that noxious, annoying, spoiled, rich, bratty, uh, bimbo... Like, I don't need my dance music to be intelligent, I'm not asking for that. But I also ask that, you know, they not beat me over the head with its own vapidness. Didn't we *not* let Paris Hilton have a singing career for exactly *this* reason? And you know what? I'm still not convinced that this isn't supposed to be a joke of some kind. I mean, it's more of a comedy novelty record than anything. It should be on the Dr. Demento show, not the *pop* charts, and I could try to appreciate it on those terms, you know. It's...it's a joke; it's funny; it's so bad, it's good. But I can't even do that. You know why? Because I know that everywhere around the country, all the wrong people are laughing *with* this, not *at* this. And it comes on, and they scream, "oh my God, it's my song! Yeah! Brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack! Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee."

No, no, no, no. I guarantee you, you look in the *Girls Gone Wild* videos of the future, and you will find "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha playing somewhere. And if you look in the *Girls Gone Wild* videos of the past, you'll probably find Ke$ha. *[Single cover, but it reads Ke$ha Gone Wild]* And that is, *like, totally* all I have to say about this, so let's just wrap this up.

**Ke$ha**: TiK ToK, on the clock
But the party don't stop no
**Todd (VO)**: Yes, it does.

**Todd**: Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee? Shut up.

*Closing tag song: Julie Brown - "'Cause I'm a Blonde"*

***THE END
"Tik Tok" is owned by RCA/Jive Records
This video is owned by me***