Dan Backslide

"I'll steal it! NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!"

### Relatives

Meredith Backslide (mother, deceased), Abeer Samil Backslide (father, deceased), Johnathan Backslide (brother), Martin Backslide (brother)

### Occupation

Waitrose Sales Assistant (former), Alcoholic

## Biographical information

### Marital status

Censored for reasons relating to an ongoing legal dispute

## Appearances

### Debut

The Dover Boys of Pimento University

Dan Backslide is a playable character in the fictional videogame *‘Character Kart Racing’.* He was confirmed as a playable character on September 19th, 1942, released as part of a collaboration event between *Character Kart Racing* and Rockstar Games’ *Grand Theft Auto: Vice City*, announced during the same month. He suffers from lung cancer.

## Default Vehicle

Dan Backslide’s primary vehicle is a stolen runabout that he acquired after happening across it in the car park of the pub that he frequents on the weekends. The vehicle is ill-suited for the racing scene due to the fact that the motor is clockwork-based and has to be wound up approximately 3-6 times each lap, depending on the length of the course. For this reason, he is considered by the fanbase to be the worst playable character in the game and is banned from use in multiple annual esports tournaments.

If the Konami Code is entered before a race, an alternate colour scheme can be unlocked for Backslide’s vehicle which has various Hindi profanities spray-painted on the side of the chassis.

## Bio

Dan Backslide was born on February 30th, 1872 in the backwater streets of Baghdad alongside his siblings Johnathan Backslide, Martin Backslide, and a small dog. Later on during his early childhood years in 1933, his mother was arrested and faced trial for her crimes of bestiality and inciting racial hatred, and was sentenced to death by Objectormann despite the fact that she had died during childbirth.

Following his father’s passing in 1934, Backslide immigrated to Britain and was forcibly enrolled at the prestigious Pimento University, where he studied Animal Behaviour and Psychology. He later faced expulsion after committing various acts of indecency on one or more of the horses, perhaps owing to his late mother’s tendencies. Forced out onto the streets and with nowhere else to turn, Backslide eventually sought employment at his local Waitrose branch. He served as a customer service assistant with the company for several years, later being promoted to store manager, before his employment was terminated as a result of an incident wherein he hurled racial abuse at an elderly Indian woman for attempting a change scam, smoked vast amounts of chemically-altered marijuana on the shop floor, and injured his colleague’s knee with a safety knife during the same shift.

It was during his employment at Waitrose that Backslide met and became infatuated with the dainty and charming Dora Standpipe, a woman 73 years his senior. Backslide later kidnapped Standpipe and whisked her away to an abandoned hunting lodge in the mountains of DK Pass, however he was discovered by his longstanding nemeses, the Dover Boys of Pimento University (or “The Rivals of Roquefort Hall”) moments before he could enact his plan to force Standpipe to don a fursuit and consume vast quantities of Pedigree-branded dog food. He claims to have no memory of this incident, though it would later be discovered that he wrote about it at great length in his cancelled autobiography titled *‘TikTok Made Me Do It’*, rumoured to have been co-authored by James Patterson.

At the age of 36, Backslide learned that Standpipe had been forced into an arranged marriage to Chad Rex after an unexpected conversion to Neo-Traditionalist Islam.  He now runs a stable, and can frequently be found drowning his sorrows in liquor at an unnamed pub on the outskirts of southeast London.

## Special Talents

Dan Backslide is a man of many talents, similar to Chad Rex. His talents include, but are not limited to

Motor Vehicle theft: Backslide has the ability to steal the vehicle of any racer he collides with. The ability only has a 2% chance of triggering successfully unless Backslide is being controlled by the CPU, however, so it is largely useless.

Smoke Bomb: Backslide as the ability to drench the course with a thick smoke cloud once the ‘Smoke Meter’ on the bottom-right corner of the screen is filled, which can be achieved by rapidly pressing the X button to have Backslide smoke any cigarette ends he finds lying about the course. These have been removed in the most recent 1.3.2 update.