TRP: Goro and Hansel (Believe You)

IZZY:

[Setting: Day 267. After Az's resurrection and Goro's vision of Mask.]

Hansel sniffled.

He'd managed to calm down, for the most part. Goro had passed out, but he was breathing, he was fine -- just fucking exhausted. Wasn't like Hansel couldn't recognize he'd done an amazing fuckin' thing, and after a little bit more time passed, Hansel figured he'd remember to be really fucking happy for Raef.

But ... not yet. He couldn't. All he wanted to do was track down Mishka and cling to him and sob about how he'd come so close, so fucking close to losing someone else -- wasn't even close, he'd fucking felt it happen -- and he was so fucking afraid he'd already lost Jonn and Roddy and just didn't know it for sure, yet. He was afraid his family was shrinking and there was nothing he could fucking do about it.

He wanted Mishka, but Mishka needed to keep the rest of the crew stable and safe and in order. Division of labor; Hansel would manage himself, and Goro, and Mishka would take care of the rest. He tried to comfort himself with knowing that. He needed to track down Luci, too, and make sure she was okay -- the kid was just about fuckin' inscrutable, but he knew she liked Goro some amount or other, and it couldn't've been easy for her to see that, either. He'd been vaguely aware of how uncomfortable she'd been in that room, there just hadn't been anything he could do about it, to protect her from it.

Wasn't anything he could fucking do about much.

.

He could sit in the cramped quarters, on the narrow cot, with his back to the wall, and he could hold onto Goro until he woke up again. Get some water in him, and some of the stew he'd made earlier, cooling on the tiny bedside table. Make sure his head was nice and comfortable against Hansel's shoulder, his neck not at a weird angle or anything, and he was warm enough with his back against Hansel's chest and a thin, ragged blanket around his shoulders. Hold onto him with a hand pressed against his heart to make sure it kept pumping.

Hansel kept thinking about Taavit, and trying not to. He went between staring up at the ceiling and closing his eyes, just trying to think about any-fucking-thing else, but the little bunk and the little room made him feel crushed in and not able to get away from it no matter how he tried to distract himself.

Fucking ship. Fucking boyfriends dying on him. Goro couldn't fuckin' do that. His other hand spun the braided gold ring on Goro's finger, because he didn't have one of his own, yet. He settled for just counting Goro's heartbeats, matching his rotations of the ring with it. That was enough to keep him occupied, for a while.

LINA:

Goro opened his eyes and blinked at his surroundings, disoriented. How did-- where-- what-- ah, Hansel, though. Couldn't be much to worry about if he was with Hansel. He rested his eyes again and shifted to put his arms around him, murmuring contentedly.

Oh. Wait. Shit. He'd used the Leech, and shit. Fucking died, for a second. Raef's husband. Goddamn.

"Mm." He sat up, blinking again. "Didn't mean to fall asleep. Gotta... gotta go check on..."

IZZY:

Hansel tightened his grip. "No."

LINA:

"Oh." Goro settled against his chest again. There were worse fates. "'Kay. God, I am... actually... really, really fucking tired." He closed his eyes and just breathed for a moment. "Don't tell anyone."

IZZY:

Hansel sniffled. "Yeah, 'cause you fuckin' ... fuckin' died." Of course he was fucking tired.

LINA:

"Bah." Goro flapped a hand around half-heartedly. "Ugh. God. I think it was that fucking spell, actually. I..." He touched his own chest, started to say a prayer to heal himself, but gave up a couple words in and groaned. He shook his head. "I'm all fuckin' dried up. From one fuckin' spell. Can you believe that?"

IZZY:

Hansel didn't say anything. He just kind of ... kept staring off into space. He told himself that Goro was fine -- he was acting like nothing'd happened, like it was just one fuckin' spell, any fuckin' spell, because nothing had happened. It was fine. Everything was fine.

He took a breath and grit his teeth and closed his eyes for a moment, then reached for the waterskin dangling off his belt -- he'd propped his belt and bandolier up by the bed, so he wasn't laying back on his weapons, so there was no chance of Goro moving the wrong way and hurting himself on something sharp -- and offered Goro a drink.

LINA:

Goro accepted the waterskin and drank, eyes on Hansel. He didn't look good. Last thing Goro remembered before falling asleep was Hansel sobbing. Was fuckin' concerning. Goro finished and handed the waterskin back. "You okay, ahuv?"

IZZY:

"No," Hansel said flatly. "You fucking died."

He took the waterskin and passed Goro the mug of stew.

LINA:

Goro hesitated, but took the mug. Didn't make any move to eat from it, though. "Yeah, but... only for, y'know, a few seconds." It was neat, he wanted to say. I talked to Mask. He didn't think Hansel would think it was neat.

IZZY:

Hansel grit his teeth again. Yeah. Only for a few seconds. He was just being fuckin' unreasonable.

He nudged the mug towards Goro's face and looked away.

LINA:

Goro frowned, ignoring the mug. "Ahuv. It's fine, you know? I'm fine."

IZZY:

"It's not fucking fine," Hansel forced out, jaw still clenched. "Eat some ... some fuckin' stew. You'll feel better."

LINA:

Goro wrapped his hands around the mug, hoping to get some warmth from it, but it was already pretty cool. "Are you... are you mad at me, or something?"

IZZY:

"No, I'm fucking --." His voice broke. He was mad, kind of, he just wasn't sure if it was at Goro or himself. Either way, the other fuckin' thing outweighed it. "I'm fuckin' scared. You fucking died."

LINA:

Well. Weren't that the fuckin' truth. Goro took a bite of stew and smacked his lips some with the effort of getting it down. He pushed the mug back at Hansel. "Not hungry."

IZZY:

Hansel took it, set it aside, and looked away again. He curled his arm around Goro's waist. Yeah. All he could fuckin' do. Fucking useless.

LINA:

Goro sat there unhappily for a moment, not talking, because he wasn't sure what the hell to say. A thought finally came to him, though. "Oh. Hey, I know something that might make you feel better. Mask said I was early. Also, he said he liked me better when I was alive. That's gotta be a good sign, right? Probably got a lot more years left, when you think of it that way."

IZZY:

"That's fucking great," Hansel said dully, not looking up.

LINA:

"I mean. Isn't it?"

IZZY:

Hansel sniffled again. Shit. Fuck. Nope. He closed his eyes. He was gonna keep his shit together. He was fine; this was fine. "Yeah. S'fuckin' great."

You have to give him back, he'd sworn, and Mask fucking apparently liked Goro better alive, but it wasn't fuckin' Mask who had any control over whether Goro lived. Fuckin' wasn't Hansel, either.

He probably sounded like he was being sarcastic. He was fucking it up. He tried to get more words out, and failed at that, too.

LINA:

Goro was just getting more confused, and kinda starting to get freaked out, too. He shifted uncomfortably, testing if Hansel would let him go yet. "Alright, you gotta help me out here. I don't know what the fuck you want."

IZZY:

Hansel tightened his grip, then bit his tongue and loosened it, because if Goro wanted to go, he wasn't going to ...

"I don't want you to leave me," he got out.

(This isn't about you, Commander, Corven'd said, sallow and barely standing and pushing the axe into his hand. You don't get to fucking make my death be about you. He hated himself for crying about it. Wasn't about him. Couldn't just fucking take care of it for her; couldn't just take care of Goro. Too fucking selfish and emotional. Hansel fucking Granger.)

Still, he managed, "You can't fucking leave me like that," in a small voice, and hated it even more.

LINA:

"Oh. Well. Jeez." Goro struggled to sit up better so he could put his arms around Hansel properly, and squeeze him tight. Fucking exhausted him after about two goddamn seconds, and he just clung to him limply after that, breathing heavy. "I won't. Ain't gonna leave you. I love you too goddamn much."

IZZY:

Hansel clung back, holding him in place when Goro lost the strength to. "You fucking did." It came out muffled against Goro's shoulder. "You fucking did leave me."

LINA:

"I fucking didn't! You think it's me leaving you if I just... walk out of a room for a minute? I wouldn't've done it if I hadn't had Luci there."

Which made him feel a little bad to admit. Meant a lot to Raef, and all. But like he'd tried explaining to Gavi the other night, just because he could bring someone back from the dead didn't mean he had to. Especially not if his own life was on the line, right?

Though he didn't know what made his own life worth more than someone like Az's. But... eh. Eh. He'd probably lose his shit if he started thinking about it too hard.

IZZY:

"You didn't walk out of the fucking room!" Hansel cried.

His jaw clenched again. Fucking unreasonable. Wasn't any different, was it? (His throat was closing up.) He was being fuckin' stupid. Everyone would tell him that. He was just overreacting. (Couldn't catch his breath.) He overreacted over fuckin' everything, and then he made other people deal with his shit. Should just keep fucking quiet. Stick to what he was good at, and talking fuckin' wasn't it. (Felt his chest moving but he wasn't getting any air, drowning like a fish on land.)

He'd made fists in Goro's robes, holding on too tight. He needed to fucking calm down, might be squeezing Goro too hard -- it was just like leaving a fucking room, wasn't it -- wasn't any big deal. Calm down. Let go.

He couldn't, though. Couldn't breathe. Just managed to choke out a sob.

LINA:

"Ah, okay. Alright. 'S'okay. " Hansel was fucking panicking now. No use trying to argue. Goro wanted to help him, but also, he kinda couldn't fucking breathe himself. "Just... okay, alright," he wheezed, and groaned a little. "Can you... let me go a little."

IZZY:

Hansel wrenched his arms off Goro, trying to shove himself back and away, but there wasn't anywhere for him to go except wedge himself slightly more into the corner. He wrapped his arms around himself instead, nails digging into his arms, hissing a little air through his teeth. Calm down. Calm down, Granger.

Horns said the same thing, though. Let go, Hansel. C'mon. You're hurting me. It's okay, just ... just be careful. Let up a little.

LINA:

Ah, god damn it. Goro hadn't wanted Hansel to let go of him completely. Hell, normally he wouldn't want Hansel to let go at all, it was just that his fucking chest hurt, still. Fucking sucked. Couldn't even give Hansel what he obviously needed.

"Hey. Hey, its okay." Goro hugged him as best he could. He got up on his knees so he could hold Hansel's head against his chest, and wound up leaning his weight against the wall, and kinda slumping onto Hansel too--god fucking damn it. So damn weak. He kissed Hansel's hair. "Got you. It's okay. I'm here. Just breathe. Nice, long breaths out." Goro demonstrated, not because Hansel needed it per se, but just because he had to fucking stop talking for a second.

He buried his face in Hansel's hair and squeezed his eyes shut tight. "I'm sorry, ahuv. I'm sorry."

IZZY:

Hansel shook his head, pulling his shoulders in. Maybe if he --

He had magic now. Maybe if he just fucking wanted it bad enough, he could do that thing Mishka did, and just crack away. Griffin'd done it, when Gruumsh got him. He was pretty sure he'd done it, too, when he couldn't remember. If he could just fucking disappear and go somewhere that he wouldn't be able to fuck things up, and -- and then he could come back and be calm and reasonable and useful again.

It was just like walking out of the room for a minute. Right.

Settle. Calm down. He tried to breathe, because Goro was so tired, he was exhausted, and Hansel needed to be here and take care of him. He dug his fingers into his arms harder, for a moment, and then stopped, and drew in a breath. He pried his hands away from himself and carefully, carefully rested them at Goro's waist, meaning to support him, but too fucking scared to do more than barely touch him.

LINA:

"Do you... d'you want me to..." He almost said leave, but that sure didn't seem right. He was fucking crying because he didn't want Goro to leave, or whatever. "Should I... go get Mishka?"

IZZY:

Hansel shook his head hurriedly. No. No. Couldn't bother Mishka -- he had to take care of everyone else, everything else. Hansel couldn't be a fucking inconvenience to him, too.

He tried to make himself say that he was fine, but he couldn't yet.

LINA:

"'Kay, but..." Goro was shaking a little from the effort of being up on his knees. God, that was so fucking stupid. Shouldn't be fucking hard. He whimpered and eased himself away, lying down with his head toward the foot of the cot, 'cause that was the path of least resistance. He curled up, arms covering his head. "Can't. Can't do shit."

Was a joke to even think he'd have the energy to go hunting around for Mishka, but god, he was failing Hansel just being here by himself. He couldn't even hug him properly. Couldn't reassure him, 'cause he didn't know what to fucking say. Nothing was helping.

IZZY:

Hansel let him go, reluctantly but not holding on. But he was trembling, and he curled up, and Hansel wanted to grab him back and hold him again. Felt needy -- felt stupid -- what, was he a fucking child who thought people were dead and cried about it when they stopped touching him, when they stepped around a corner?

Yeah. Yeah, he fucking was, apparently. But now he'd made Goro upset, too, and he could -- he could try to do something about that, at least.

So he tugged Goro back upright, gently, pulled him back into his chest and curled his arms around him, telling himself it was for Goro's sake. Not his. So he didn't clutch him and hurt him again. Gentle. Careful.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, petting Goro's hair. "I'm sorry. Sorry."

LINA:

Goro weakly grabbed a fistful of Hansel's shirt, like that was going to do anything to keep him in place. He pushed his face against Hansel's chest and scowled there. "Don't... don't fuckin' be sorry. Just... tell me how to fix it. Dunno what you want me to do. Can't fuckin' un-die any more than I already did."

IZZY:

Hansel squeezed him. Just a little bit. There wasn't anything Goro could do, right? He was fuckin' alive. He'd planned ahead. Wasn't like he'd intended to stay dead. He'd already done everything he was supposed to do, Hansel was just ... being ridiculous. Overreacting. Upsetting Goro with his own bullshit, like he always did with everyone.

He made a miserable sound in the back of his throat. "Sorry. S'fine. I'm sorry."

LINA:

"It's not fucking fine! Hansel, you're scaring me. It's like I fuckin' broke you, or something." Which was such a horrible fucking concept, Goro felt tears spring to his eyes. Nah. Nah, he had to make this better.

IZZY:

Hansel cringed.

"I'm sorry." Shit, that wasn't --. "I'm fine. I'm fine, it's --." Not working either, wasn't right. "You didn't -- I'm sorry."

Fuck. He pressed his face into Goro's shoulder. He needed -- he needed a goddamn minute. He didn't know what he was supposed to say, but Goro didn't either, and Hansel knew he was just going to keep being upset, and keep apologizing, and Goro was going to keep telling him no to apologize, but he didn't know what to ...

"Hold," he blurted. "Just -- just -- I need a fuckin' minute, just ... hold. Hold on."

LINA:

Aw. God.

"Okay." Goro hugged Hansel's head to his shoulder and kissed his hair. "Okay. Long as you need."

Wasn't like they had anywhere to be. Wasn't like Goro could get up and leave, even if he wanted to. And he didn't fucking want to. He just wanted to make Hansel okay. So he resolved to sit there and keep his damn mouth shut, no matter how fucking long it took. He pressed his lips against Hansel's head and stayed there, muzzling himself. No talking allowed.

IZZY:

He took a long breath, in and out, a little shaky. Okay. He had time.

He just felt fucking stupid, being so upset when Goro was -- exhausted, yeah, but not hurt, not dead. Warm and alive against him. Still there. That wasn't ... useful, though. It wasn't fuckin' helpful to cry about stupid he was. He sniffled and blinked a couple times. Needed to say other shit instead.

Tell me how to fix it. Wasn't any way to fix it. It was already fuckin' fixed -- Hansel was just fucking -- ah, nope, there he went again.

"I ..." He swallowed. "'M sorry I scared you," he mumbled. That was something. A little more fucking tangible than just stammering out apologies in every fucking direction. Okay.

LINA:

Goro freed his mouth, but held his tongue for a second anyway. Maybe instead of telling Hansel not to apologize, he should just go along with it. "I forgive you, ahuv."

IZZY:

He sniffled again. "'Kay." That was better. Okay. Yeah. Now he had to ... say more things. Fuck. He felt a little calmer now, though, kept focusing back in on Goro's heartbeat against his chest, and the fact that he was breathing, and warm. There. All of him was there. Mask didn't fuckin' have him.

Not focusing on how it didn't matter how hard he held on -- just ended up hurting Goro, couldn't keep him there. Couldn't keep him safe. He'd just ... slip away.

Maybe Hansel could get that magic like Luci and Goro had. Pin him in place. Hold onto him. Maybe -- maybe it was just some cleric shit, normally, but maybe Selune would give it to him anyway. Maybe Serena would help him out. Or maybe Mask would.

I didn't mean the thing about gutting you. All right, I did, but it's fine, right? You get it. You like him being alive too.

He shifted his arms around Goro, not holding on any tighter or looser, just -- different, like if he just did it the right way, then it'd work. He hadn't been able to hold Taavit at all, with his hands tied up behind his back. Hadn't held Mishka because his hands had been on his trident, and then Goro had been there, and Mishka had vanished, and it'd all gone by too quickly. If he just ... did it the right way.

That wasn't how it worked and he knew it. Was just all he had.

"S'my fault," he managed, after a bit. "Shouldn't've ... I shoulda ... Just wanted to be there for you. Should've sat outside." He wanted to apologize again. Goro'd just tell him off for it, though.

LINA:

Again, Goro thought for a minute before blurting anything out. "I was kinda..." He sighed, feeling ashamed. "I was kinda fucking scared. Even... even knowing Luci was right there. I knew she'd do what she could, but..." He was about to explain the tiny, irrational part of him that was still scared of Diva getting him somehow. That probably wouldn't help calm Hansel down, though. "I was scared, anyway. But you being there made me brave. So. It helped. You helped me."

It was driving him fucking nuts, the way Hansel shifted his arms around him. It wasn't enough. "Hey, you don't gotta... I'm not fragile, alright? You can hold me tight. I just, ah... kinda hurt, still. Everything hurts."

IZZY:

"I don't wanna hurt you," Hansel said softly, processing the rest.

LINA:

"Yeah, but..." If you keep acting like you're scared to touch me, it's gonna fucking kill me. Maybe not the best time for that kind of hyperbole. Goddamn. "I... I... you've got that..." Shit. He felt even more ashamed, suggesting this shit. "Maybe you could heal me some more? 'Cause I can't do it myself."

Ah, that fucking did him in. He started crying, and hid his face against Hansel's neck, breath hitching. God, always, people were on his back about him healing himself, and he bitched about it because he didn't want to, but now he actually wanted to and he fucking couldn't. Felt so much worse that way.

He ought to cut himself some slack, maybe, since he'd run dry fucking resurrecting someone. But it didn't make enough of a difference. He was just pissed he couldn't handle it better. Had to be a fucking baby about it.

IZZY:

Hansel nodded, and tightened his grip on Goro without meaning to. He didn't really understand how this magic shit worked, yet -- Mishka had tried to explain it to him a bit, but then sorcery and druidic magic were different, somehow -- but Hansel didn't have to fuckin' get it, he just poured all his intent to make Goro feel better into it, until he felt that tug in his gut that told him he was done.

It was such a fucking feeble amount. Better than nothing, but nothing like what Goro and Luci could do -- or Roddy, for that matter, and the kid wasn't even a healer, really. Hansel had potions, though. He had that much. So as soon as he felt the magic run dry, he peeled one arm away from Goro to reach for the potions on his belt. They weren't special like the black ones he made for Goro or the sparkly ones he made for Roddy, the cookie-flavored ones for Luci and Jonn, but they'd heal just as well.

"S'okay," he whispered, fumbling for them and kissing Goro's face. "S'okay, don't cry, I got you. It's okay, I --." He almost apologized for not healing him sooner. "I got you."

LINA:

Goro kept crying, but he breathed a little easier when he felt Hansel's magic wash over him. The pain lessening was a relief in and of itself, but the way Hansel did it especially was so good. Most healing magic, including his own, felt cool to him. But Hansel's was warm. Imprecise, sloppy almost--no sips of chilled water, but a big gulp of hot chocolate. The force of his love turned into medicine. So good.

Goro sniffled and accepted the potion when Hansel held it to his lips. He hastily wiped tears off his face with the back of his hand, then hid against Hansel's neck again, shuddering. Felt a little better. His ribcage didn't feel all cracked anymore. "There," he said, muffled. "Now you can hold me like you mean it."

IZZY:

Hansel tossed the bottle aside once it was empty, wrapping back around Goro -- still careful, though, rubbing his back, cupping the back of his head with the other hand to curl fingers in Goro's hair. "Sorry," he said automatically, and bit his tongue. "Sorry, I mean -- I -- just -- fuckin' scared of hurting you. Can't. Sorry."

He had to stop doing that. He knew he really had to fucking stop, it just kept coming out. Hansel squeezed Goro delicately, like Goro was a kitten he was dying to cuddle to his face but terrified of hugging too hard.

LINA:

"Mm," Goro said, trying to sound like he understood. But he didn't. He just wanted a tighter fucking hug. He grabbed fistfuls of Hansel's shirt again and let out a sob, trying to keep it quiet against Hansel's shoulder.

IZZY:

"Goro." Hansel squeezed him a little more, distressed. "Please. Please."

Taavit had always been so careful to not jab Hansel with his horns. It'd never happened once. But -- Hansel, stop. Hey, hey, that hurts. Be careful, okay? Let go. I'm okay, it's okay, just ... -- all the time. All the time.

LINA:

Please nothing. Goro kept crying. If the price for dying and coming back was that Hansel wouldn't hold him right anymore, then it hadn't been fucking worth it.

IZZY:

God. Fuck. He was going to lose his shit again. He could feel it building up in his chest.

"I'm sorry," Hansel whispered desperately, holding on tighter, kissing Goro's head. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I -- I can't, I -- I can't hurt you, I can't lose you, I'm so fucking scared. I'm sorry. It's okay. I got you."

LINA:

Goro calmed a little when Hansel held him tighter, and stopped crying long enough to catch his breath. He kept clutching Hansel's shirt, since it was all he had the strength to do--getting healed hadn't done anything for how exhausted he was. "You... you're not gonna lose me." He sniffled and squeezed his eyes shut, more tears coming out. "You fuckin' try and get rid of me, asshole. Ain't gonna."

IZZY:

"I'm not fucking trying." Hansel realized he was just tightening down more, made himself stop before he went too far. What if now Goro wouldn't tell him to let up when he held too hard, because he was afraid Hansel wouldn't hold onto him at all? God. Fucked up everything.

He closed his eyes. Okay. Not helpful. Settle, he told himself; calm down.

It only kind of helped. "You left me," he got out. "You were gone, you were fucking gone, I felt --." He was squeezing too hard again. Made himself loosen up so Goro could still breathe. "You were gone. You were gone. Empty. Nothing."

LINA:

Hansel kept tightening his grip, then loosening it, and it fucking killed Goro every time. Just the fear. Goro had put it there. He'd made Hansel afraid.

"No." He shook his head over and over. "No, I was just... somewhere else for a second. Didn't fucking forget about you."

You left me. Fuck. Goro cried harder.

IZZY:

Hansel groaned quietly. He was trying to not cry, but he couldn't fucking fend it off anymore. "I know, I know, I'm sorry. Fuckin' stupid. I'm sorry. Not your fault."

He'd said, You helped me. I was scared. You being there made me brave, so Hansel couldn't say he should've just not been there. Had to be. If he just could've ... not felt Goro slip away from him, somehow. If he just wasn't a fucking child.

LINA:

"It's not stupid," Goro cried. "It's just... I... I'm sorry. I don't know... I can't fuckin'..." He dissolved into a wordless, anguished wail. "I just wanted to do something good, and brave. Do the right thing. But I hurt you. I fucked it up."

IZZY:

"No," Hansel mumbled, weakly. "No." He rubbed his cheek against Goro's. "You did ... you did a fuckin' amazing thing. No. Don't ... no." They couldn't've both fucked it up. Nah. Didn't make any sense. He was fuckin' stuck, though, didn't know what else to do but insist, "Not your fuckin' fault. No."

LINA:

Pff. Amazing. "Don't get to anymore, anyway." He sniffed. "Mask told me to quit it. Took m'fuckin' wand, even." Hah. Getting his toys taken away by daddy. Wouldn't that make a funny story next time he went back to the temple.

IZZY:

"Oh," Hansel said.

Oh.

In his gut, he'd wanted to fucking beg Goro to break the fucking wand, just as bad as he'd wanted to stomp that jade amulet of Mishka's, months ago. He knew he wouldn't. Couldn't take it away, couldn't hurt Goro like that and make him feel unsafe, unprotected, helpless. And he didn't want to know, for sure, whether Goro would just ... pick the wand over him. Or whether he'd break it or give it up but then just resent Hansel forever.

He never would've made any move to take the Leech away, because he thought Goro might hate him for it, and he was selfish and afraid. But --

But Mask could take it away, he guessed. And that was fine.

LINA:

"What? What's a matter?" Goro let go of Hansel's shirt so he could put his arms around his waist. Had a weird fucking feeling he was about to lose him again.

IZZY:

"Nothing," Hansel mumbled. "Sorry you lost it."

LINA:

"No you're not. You hated that fucking thing. Everyone did." Goro sniffled again, dabbing his face on Hansel's shoulder to try and mop up some of the tears.

IZZY:

"No. I can ... fuckin' hate it and still be sorry y'don't have it," Hansel objected, still mumbling. "Know it mattered to you."

LINA:

"Alright, fair 'nough. Oh well, though. Too fuckin' bad for me."

IZZY:

Hansel sniffled. He felt like he was supposed to argue, but he didn't fuckin' have it in him. He didn't want Goro to have the goddamn wand. At least this way it was out of the fucking picture, and Hansel didn't have to be the bad guy.

But he still fucking felt like the bad guy for wanting it to happen at all. He pressed his face into Goro's shoulder.

LINA:

"Kinda made an ass of myself," Goro muttered. "Talking to Mask, I mean."

IZZY:

"Yeah, well. I told him I'd gut him if he didn't give you back," Hansel said weakly. "So." Hard to leave a worse impression than that, at least.

LINA:

"Um." Goro snorted a little. "What?"

IZZY:

Hansel made an unhappy mmf sound. Wished he hadn't said anything, because now he had to fucking think about it, again, about the moment between spells when Goro had been empty. He knew -- objectively -- that it'd been maybe three seconds, but it felt like a lot fucking longer.

"How ..." Goro'd probably know he was just trying to change the subject, but maybe he'd just go along with it. "How long'd you ... talk to him?" If they'd had some kinda fucking conversation, it must've been longer ... there. Wherever it was. Wherever Goro'd gone. Hansel tightened around him again.

LINA:

"You changing the fucking subject so you don't gotta tell me the details of how you told Mask you'd gut him?" Goro was snickering, but also crying still, so he wound up just making weird gasping noises. "God, I love you so much. Can't fucking stand it. You're too fucking great."

IZZY:

"No," Hansel mumbled again, but he'd calmed down enough by this point to miserably get through the rest. "Changing the subject so I don't gotta fucking think about you being fucking dead in my arms."

LINA:

Goro sighed. He kissed Hansel's cheek. "I talked to him for a couple minutes, felt like. I dunno. Do you really wanna know?"

IZZY:

Hansel shrugged one shoulder, a little. He felt like he kept doing the wrong fucking things, saying the wrong shit, and shouldn't say anything at all. He was exhausted from crying and fuckin' losing his shit over nothing -- he just wanted to go find Mishka, go find Luci, shit, fuckin' grab Raef and Larkin, too, and make them all lay down in one bed in one room so he could make sure they were all okay while he held onto Goro.

And he wanted to fucking hold onto Roddy and Jonn, and Joan, and Amari and Ombre and fuckin' Morgan Wyn -- why not -- for Goro, and Larkin's boyfriend even if he thought the guy was fuckin' shady. He just wanted them to all fucking be all right.

He wanted Goro to be all right.

He sniffled. "I don't know. If you wanna tell me." It's important to you, he wanted to say, so it's important to me. Like the Leech. But he didn't have the energy. Just hid his face instead. Fuckin' idiot.

LINA:

Goro didn't know if he wanted to tell him. Not if it was gonna upset him, he didn't. Hansel obviously didn't want to just say no, though. He was worried it'd be the wrong answer, Goro guessed.

Goro rested his head on Hansel's shoulder and closed his eyes.

IZZY:

Goro was quiet -- just settled against him.

Okay. That was okay, too. Hansel shifted to lean back against the headboard again, and held Goro tight against him, and pulled the cover up over him again. He kissed Goro's head and propped his cheek against him. They could just ... be quiet, for a little while, and rest.

He stroked Goro's hair and closed his eyes. Took another long, deep breath, and hummed a little, softly, something he knew about half the words to. Something old and soothing.

This was okay.

LINA:

Mmm, that was alright. Hansel was warm, and holding Goro right again. Goro decided to try being quiet for a few minutes, and he dozed off almost immediately. Caught himself, jerking a little and blinking.

IZZY:

Hansel shushed him and kissed his hair again. "S'okay. I got you." He sniffled one more time. "Get some rest."

LINA:

Goro groaned discontentedly and shook his head, but he closed his eyes again. Alright, fine, rest. But not sleep. Fuck sleep.

He hummed tunelessly to keep himself awake. "Couldn't say a fucking thing to him," he murmured. "Just, 'Yes, my lord.' God. What an idiot."

IZZY:

Hansel scoffed.

LINA:

"I should just... like... try it again. One more go, so I can... uh." Fuck. Shit, how to reframe that.

IZZY:

"Ahuv," Hansel said weakly. "Please."

LINA:

"Yeah no, I meant like, praying."

IZZY:

"Okay." He was too weary to say anything else. He didn't know if he believed it, anyway. Might just ... have to tell Luci to not fuckin' enable Goro. Or ask, anyway. Wasn't like Hansel had any fuckin' control over this shit.

LINA:

"Listen. I'm sorry." He lifted his head to kiss Hansel's cheek. "I won't do it... voluntarily, again." Or at least, he wouldn't do it when Hansel was around. Maybe that'd make a difference.

IZZY:

"Mm." Hansel didn't believe him.

LINA:

"What's the problem?"

IZZY:

Wasn't like Hansel could fuckin' lie. He didn't want to fight. Maybe he just shouldn't say anything. "Don't believe you," he muttered, against his better judgement.

LINA:

"Oh." Goro thought about lying harder, but maybe he just... fucking shouldn't. Made it kinda awkward, though. He wasn't sure what to say. "Listen, though, you gotta understand. I..."

Eh. Whatever he'd planned to say, it probably wasn't going to sound that good coming out of his mouth. Couldn't sugar coat a thing that had already made Hansel freak out and sob. Maybe he should just... fucking... give this one up, then.

"Never mind," he said. "I mean, never mind. I won't do it."

IZZY:

"No, I ..." It seemed pointless to say. Goro would do what he wanted. "I understand," he said quietly. Understanding didn't mean he fucking liked it.

He still didn't believe it, but he knew Goro was only lying to try to make him feel better, so he tried to feel better.

LINA:

"Aw, fuckin' quit it. I'm serious. I won't do it."

IZZY:

"I'm not fuckin' doing anything. I believe you." Even as far as Hansel's lies went, that one was fucking weak.

LINA:

"No, you don't." Goro pulled away enough to look Hansel in the eye. He blinked a few times, tearing up again. Alright, he had no fucking right to get sore over this, when he'd been lying barely a minute ago. He had to keep it together. "I'm telling you the truth. I changed my fucking mind. Okay?"

IZZY

"Why, because Mask fuckin' told you to?" He regretted it as soon as it'd come out.

LINA:

"Wh--... no." He blinked a few more times, and bit his lip to keep it still. No fucking right to get upset. "'Cause I knew it'd upset you, and I thought..."

Well, he'd thought some shit about how Amari said marriage meant agreeing to share your life with someone else, and how you couldn't just do whatever the fuck you wanted with it. But Goro was suddenly really, really fucking scared at the thought of bringing up marriage. He cupped his left hand in his right, unconsciously protecting the ring. Like that'd fucking do anything.

He glanced over his shoulder. Felt like he should run, hide, but the only place he'd want to hide was against Hansel, and... well. Fuck.

IZZY:

"Goro, you knew it'd fuckin' upset me before," Hansel muttered. "Doesn't matter."

He just felt fuckin' defeated. He wanted to drop it, and not have to think about it or feel anything about it until it came up again. He tried to tug Goro back in close, but -- but any time Goro pulled away, he was always fucking hesitant.

LINA:

"Yeah, but I fucking thought twice, okay?" He put his hands over his eyes--then twisted them weird, still trying to cover up the ring, keep Hansel from seeing it. 'Cause if Hansel saw it he might think, Ah, yeah, that was a mistake.

His breath hitched. Damn it. "I'm sorry. I changed my mind. I don't wanna... don't want..." He leaned forward onto Hansel's chest, still keeping his face covered.

IZZY:

Hansel wrapped him up. "S'okay. I love you."

LINA:

Goro shook his head fiercely. "Not okay. It's not. You can't just... keep... loving... me." Fucking aware of how stupid that sounded as it came out of his mouth.

IZZY:

Hansel kissed his head and rested his lips there. "Can."

LINA:

"I mean. I guess." He whimpered. Had to stop fucking doing that. "You still wanna marry me? You don't have to."

IZZY:

"Wh ...?" Hansel was too tired and dumbfounded to even respond right away. He squinted. Felt like he'd missed something. "What? Yeah. Fuckin' ... that's not ... Goro." He tried to shake it off and concentrate. "Goro, I'm fuckin' ... fuckin' sad and terrified 'cause I don't wanna fucking lose you, 'cause I fuckin' wanna be with you for goddamn years and decades and -- always. Why would I not wanna fucking marry you?"

LINA:

"Oh." Yeah, that was fuckin' it. He started sobbing again. He was a fucking wreck. Why would I not wanna marry you, indeed.

IZZY:

"Hey, no. Hey." Hansel wilted. Just ... kept fuckin' it up, somehow. "S'okay, ahuv."

LINA:

Goro sniffed and gasped a lot before he got enough breath to talk. "Sorry, I just... I wanna be married to you so bad, and I keep thinking what if I lose it before I even get it, 'cause you realize it was a mistake to ask me, 'cause I'm so fucking..." Instead of bothering to find a word, he just groaned. "But I'm trying to be better. S'just, you know... I only ever... y'know, growing up, I had to look after myself, put myself first before anybody, and I got real good at it, but it fucking sucked, but it's hard to just fuckin' give it up. I mean, 'cause, I think that when you get married--" He sniffed and hiccupped. "That means your life isn't just yours anymore. I'm sorry. I'm still trying to... get used to that idea. I'm trying."

IZZY:

Hansel was quiet for a beat, trying to get his head to clear up, push away the encroaching clouds and let him work through what Goro was saying. He blinked a couple times.

"Goro. Chatichi. I don't ..." He faltered. "It's okay. I know you're trying. It's ... I know it's ... fucking hard."

He knew how long it'd taken him to believe that anyone else was looking out for him, as bad as he'd wanted to. Always fucking suspicious. Always expected to get fucked over. Wasn't like he still didn't have that in him, this complete fucking certainty rearing its head sometimes that he was the only one he could really count on. Easier to be alone. God -- fucking awful, though.

"I'm not gonna be fuckin' ... mad at you, or something." He kissed Goro's hair a few times and nuzzled against him. "Not gonna leave you. S'okay." He sniffled. "Y'don't have to be scared. I didn't make any fuckin' mistake."

LINA:

Goro curled tighter against Hansel. "'Kay. 'Kay." He sniffed and nodded. He didn't want Hansel to think he didn't believe him, or anything. He just... kept being fucking surprised, somehow. Surprised and amazed that Hansel would even give him the time of day.

He was shaking all over again, but that was okay. Hansel would hold him until he calmed down. Like he always did. Like Goro had tried to do for him earlier, but he'd been too fucking tired and confused, and he'd fucked it up, and--

Ah, that wasn't helping. Just making him more panicky. Hansel was still holding him, though. Goro guessed he could fuckin' panic all he liked, and it would be okay. Wouldn't hurt him.

He made himself breathe. He focused on the feel of Hansel's chest expanding against him, and he timed his own breaths to go along with it. In, and out. In and out. Again and again. Goddamn miracle he was alive, for a lot of reasons. The most recent, though--he was gonna have to go find Luci, soon. Tell her thank you.

He wanted to say thank you to Hansel, too, for loving him and forgiving him and waiting for him to catch up. Hansel always got a little weird when Goro thanked him for that kind of shit, though. Maybe best not to bother.

"Hey, Hansel?" he said after a while, once he'd settled. His voice came out quiet and sleepy. "I love you more than Mask, alright?"

IZZY:

Goro kept shaking against him for a bit, but as he calmed down and was quiet, Hansel settled, too. Let himself go kind of dormant -- not sleeping, because he had to watch the door and he had to keep rubbing Goro's back, but resting a little. The kind of rest that'd keep him going until he was satisfied that Goro was all right, and he could curl up and pass out so long as someone had his back.

"All right, ahuv," he said softly. Had a flicker of amusement. "Don't say it too loud. He might hear you." He kissed Goro's hair. "Love you too."

LINA:

"Psh. What's he gonna do." Actually. "Ne'er mind. But I don't think he cares. Bet he's happy for me. Hardly just met you and I love you more than anything."

IZZY:

"Mmhm." Hansel didn't know. Maybe Mask was a jealous god. Or an apathetic one. Goro had met him, though -- s'posed if someone did know, he would.

Thinking about it made Hansel feel drained and sad, and it took him a moment to work out why. He kissed Goro's head again. "Hey."

LINA:

"Mm? Yeah?"

IZZY:

He hesitated. Had to say it now, though. "If ... I'd've taken the Leech, would you still love me then?"

LINA:

"Mm. Mmm." He hugged Hansel as tight as he possibly could and nodded again and again. "Dummy."

IZZY:

"Okay," he said doubtfully.

LINA:

Goro frowned slightly, eyes still closed. He didn't say anything at first, just thought for a bit, cuddling Hansel.

"You wanted to take it from me," he guessed, "but you thought I wouldn't forgive you. So you didn't."

IZZY:

It was probably pretty fuckin' easy to guess, after what he'd said, but Hansel still felt on edge about it, like Goro was about to realize he should chew Hansel out. "Kind of," he admitted. "I mean, I -- I never fuckin' would've, 'cause ... know it was important to you. Didn't wanna take it away and hurt you. But -- kinda that, too, yeah."

He winced at himself, fucking ashamed. He thought the Leech was fucking bad for Goro. It fucking was bad for Goro, making him all pale and sickly, giving him this noble fuckin' facade for killing himself. Wasn't fuckin' okay. If Hansel really cared, he figured he would've cared more about Goro's health than he did about Goro being angry at him, leaving him. But nah. Apparently not.

LINA:

Again, Goro didn't say anything right away. But he realized after a few seconds Hansel would probably be assuming the worst. So he lifted one hand and touched Hansel's face, just gently stroking his cheek while he thought. He kissed Hansel's chest a couple times.

"It would've been hard," he concluded, "'cause it would've made me feel like I couldn't trust you. But god, Hansel, it wouldn't have made me stop loving you. You kidding me? I can't think of a damn thing you could do that would make me stop loving you."

IZZY:

Hansel made a quiet, noncommittal sound. He could think of things. He could think of a lot of fucking things. What he had a hard time with was stopping fuckin' thinking of things.

"All right," he said reluctantly. "Well, I ... fuckin' want you to trust me, so ..." Still didn't feel like the right thing. Still felt like the selfish thing.

LINA:

"Yeesh. You always think you're a hop, skip and a jump away from doing something terrible, don't you?"

IZZY:

Hansel grumbled.

LINA:

"And you think if you do do something terrible, I'm gonna hate you for it, or something."

IZZY:

"Fuckin' ... yeah," Hansel mumbled. "Or you won't, which'd be even fuckin' worse, 'cause then I'd just ... be able to do terrible shit to you, and ... fuckin' get away with it."

LINA:

Pff. Fuckin' Hansel, and his weird-ass theories. "Oh yeah? Tell me what kinds of terrible shit you'd do to me, if you could get away with it. C'mon, I wanna hear it."

IZZY:

"No. Don't wanna fuckin' think about it."

LINA:

"Gosh, it's almost like you don't actually wanna do terrible shit to me. That's wild. Maybe we don't need to worry about it." Goro hugged him tighter. Felt a little bad for giving him a hard time, but god.

IZZY:

Hansel made an mmf sound and squeezed Goro back. "Didn't say I wanted to. Just ... might. By fuckin' accident." Shit like getting scared and overreacting. Shit like running away. Or not reading him right and hurting him. Or holding on too hard. Saying the wrong things. Not saying anything at all. Saying too much. Needing too much. Not being able to give enough.

He sighed quietly and closed his eyes. He was too tired to get all in his fucking head about it.

LINA:

"Well, if it's a fuckin' accident, I don't think it can be that terrible." Goro shifted around, moving his arms, like it'd count as more hugs if he was changing position a lot. "Why would I not forgive you for making a fucking mistake? Doesn't make any goddamn sense. I do bad shit on purpose."

IZZY:

I don't know, Hansel started to say. I know it doesn't make any goddamn sense. I don't know why I'm like this. I'm sorry. Just made him feel worse, needing to be talked down.

He thought about the missing finger. Pretty fucking terrible accident, there, leading Diva to Jonn, playing the fucking role he had in all that. He didn't want to say it, though, and remind Goro about that shit, and the mistake he'd made, too. Squeezed him again, instead.

"Y'don't do bad shit on purpose to the rest of the crew," he said. "Fuckin' different when it's family."

LINA:

"Neither do--bah." Goro buried his face in Hansel's chest, groaned, and shook his head. "Alright, big guy. That's how you wanna play this, huh? Nothing I say's gonna convince you? Fine. Don't need you to agree with me. I love you enough for the both of us, and then some. Doesn't matter what you fucking think of it. Sun's gonna keep fucking rising every day no matter how many clouds there are in the sky."

Then he went limp, and let out his breath in a huff. Ranting like that was kinda tiring.

IZZY:

Hansel blinked, and sniffed, and pressed his face into Goro's hair. "M'kay," he said, muffled. Guessed he couldn't fuckin' argue with that.

LINA:

Damn straight. Goro lay quietly for a moment, not really satisfied--he'd be satisfied when Hansel quit talking shit about himself, but who knew when that was gonna happen--but content enough to quit bitching.

Also felt unsatisfying not to talk about what had happened to him in the moments he'd been dead, but... well, he could tell someone else. He bet Larkin would think it was cool. Maybe Luci too, yeah.

There was one thing Hansel should know, though.

"I asked Mask how to kill Gruumsh. But he wouldn't fucking tell me, 'cause he says Rexarius is the problem I need to be worrying about now. At least, I think it was Rex. Visions, and shit, y'know, they're not always clear. So... I guess I'm going to fuckin' Calisham. Sooner than we thought, I mean. You coming with?"

IZZY:

"Yeah. 'Course," Hansel said sleepily into Goro's hair. "Gonna kill that fuckin' dragon."

LINA:

Goro was unsettled, thinking about the tail end of the vision, when the dragon had opened its jaws to devour Mask. Actually, unsettled didn't begin to cover it, the more he thought about it. It was some kind of deep down, gut-level dread.

"And, uh. If anything weird happens, and I lose my magic. Well... guess I'll stick real close by you, yeah?"

IZZY:

"Why would you lose your magic?" Hansel mumbled. Fuckin' ridiculous. "Mask fuckin' loves you, right." He cuddled Goro against his chest and kissed his hair. "Not as much as I do, though. I got you. S'okay."

LINA:

"Mm. Yeah. Probably just being paranoid." Goro curled up even tighter, face buried against Hansel. No use thinking about it now.

Too goddamn tired to do anything about it.

IZZY:

"S'okay," Hansel said again. Not like he wasn't well fucking acquainted with paranoia. "I got you, shemeshi. No matter what happens."

[END]

Title: Believe You. Summary: After Azrael's resurrection, Hansel is upset over Goro having died, and Goro get upset over having upset Hansel. He promises to not do it again, and tells Hansel that Mask took the Leech, anyway.