Sean O'Connor, Our Close Friend

**"Sean O'Connor, Our Close Friend"** is the thirty-ninth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Sean and Hayes discuss good apologies and give out awards to the most choice critics in a segment called “Choice Critics Critic’s Choice Awards”. Then, hilarious stand-up comic Sean O’Connor is in the studio to talk to the guys about ruling *@midnight* and the guys break down the specifics of Sean’s album. Finally, the Popcorn Gallery is back to ask about paradoxes and Ben Hoffman and everyone gets a new name.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Hayes over the theme: "So I turn to Tony . Hale, and uh I say, 'See ya at the bottom!' and I jump in the upside-down turtle shell, uh, and I just shhhhhhrred it up. And he paid up. He had to. The bet was that he I couldn't snowboard down the mountain in an upside down turtle shell."
* Sean argues that this act is not snowboarding, Hayes saying that snowboarding is all about the stance. Sean wishes he had just said 'shred the mountain.' They have a really big disagreement, culminating with Hayes telling Sean to "Shut up for a second." Sean does not like Hayes angry. All Sean wants is to protect Hayes if he goes back to the mountain and places a similar bet. Sean admits that he could be gentler, and can be a know-it-all sometimes. Hayes says an apology that doesn't use the word 'sorry' isn't an apology. And we don't do 'if' sorrys, they're not good sorrys!

### Guest Segment

 \* Sean over the theme: "So, I'm with Darren Aronofsky, it's like 'I think the frame should be dirty, ya know, let's get..' like he's doing the director thing. And I go 'That's a great note, Darren. And P.S.? You're out of my fucking biography..' It's like, watch your step! You know, that's a real consequence people can have." "You were gonna.. write about him?" "He was gonna have a chapter, yeah."

* Sean is so sleepy, he thought it was the red carpet lined industry. He hasn't been getting any sleep because his neighbors have been building a waterpark in their back yard
* Hayes and Sean discovered O'Connor on @midnight, and he won! Defeating Julian McCullough and Annie Letterman. It felt good beating a woman, she was just so *dirty.* Some of them are just so blue.
* It's very hard to shock Sean with a word, he can think of about 12. And dozens and dozens that don't.
* O'Connor's twitter bio used to brag about how he'd won @midnight
* Sean and Hayes don't want to disclose their ages.. let's just say they've seen their share of sunrises. They've seen presidents come and go.
* Sean couldn't give a fuck about status. He hates it when people bring up his car. He has a really fast car because he runs late all the time. The red wheels make it easy to find in a parking lot, like Louboutins.
* O'Connor is afraid of cameras, he thinks they're going to steal his soul. He's one eight Aborigine.
* Reno, NV had the wettest buffet
* Have Hayes and Sean thought about going on @midnight? Scott Aukerman, their collaborator in the ficitonal Comedy Bang! Bang! universe (Bang!iverse), went on @midnight and said it was so fun, had a great time, loved the t-shirts. They don't want to go on because one person has to walk away a winner, Hayes doesn't want to go up against someone he loves and hosts a show with-- Sean: "I love you too, I never want you to say that and have to not hear it back."
* O'Connor shouldn't listen to the show because it's not for him, it's for people that haven't won @midnight. People like Julian McCullough and Annie Letterman
* Sean and Hayes propose teaming up to go up against a third person. O'Connor: "Like an Andrew Ti? An Earwolf night?" Sean then schemes that if they could get that dastardly Andrew Ti on @midnight with them, they could reeaaal..
* Hayes is good at telling what tweets are real, and seeing part of a YouTube video and guessing what happens next. Sean has won just over 6,000 New Yorker caption contests.
* Andrew Ti is a racist watchdog, Sean is worried that some of his humor could be labelled as racist. You don't want his sights on you... Or you could potentially be seen as racist. Stay. A. Way. Keep a wide berth. At arm's length and then some.
* Hayes saw Julian McCullough scurry into a sewer the
* other day. His baby is living in a detached toilet tank, no pram, with gator-like features.
* They discuss O'Connor's comedy CD. O'Connor truly DGAF. He wants to look back on his life and say that zero fucks were given!! (O'Connor doesn't like that kind of language). To look back and say Sean FTW as a dream. Sean O'Connor f-word the world!
* Sean wants to hear the dissection of the joke, where do the ideas come from? Like his target for comedy, Ke$ha. She doesn't sing any goofies. Not a Weird Al, a Presidents of the United States of America, or a Smothers Sister. Sean had some laughs with the Presidents of the USA: Lump, Bullweavil, Peaches. Their guitars don't even have all the strings! They hit the mainstream with a song that, Sean will say it, is laugh out loud funny!
* O'Connor's Ke$ha joke is considered his masterpiece, his magnum opus, the painting with the clouds and stars.
* Sean continues to argue for Presidents of the USA as a comedy group. I mean Bullweavil was about talkin to a farm bug!
* David Cone showed his penis to a bunch of female fans, and that's the length we go to for comedy. O'Connor might play him in a movie, *Cone.* Or *Coneheads*! One of em touch his glove and gets his powers, just blows through High School, College. Years of life with David Cone's powers, its about longevity!
* O'Connor might name his second album *I'm a David Cone Type!*
* Calling O'Connor 'Sean' keeps getting confusing, he suggests they just call him 'David.' Sean wouldn't mind being 'Engineer Cody.' Engineer Cody is now known as 'Sean' but that doesn't quite suit him. Hayes will take 'Sean,' Engineer Cody will be 'Shitbird.' Cody says this is "Kinda rude." Hayes: "To who!? ('To me.') To birds!?" What, he doesn't like birds?
* Hayes keeps tropical birds (First mentioned in Ep. #016 - Grace Helbig, Our Close Friend). He says keep because he doesn't own them. You can't own something with a personality and a life of its own, that's slabery. Its name is Bryce Dallas Howard. It speaks and answers calls. It did a great deal more than Shitbird!
* 'David' likes birds, his favorite type is a parrot. Specifically Koko B. Ware's parrot! Boy does that motherfucker want crackers
* Jay Mohr may have died, but there are a lot of episodes of his syndicated radio show that are still yet to air and no one wants the ending to be spoiled, he may die on the air. His show with Bobcat Goldthwait.
* 'David' has trouble saying Bobcat Goldthwait, 'Shitbird' actually does a pretty good job of it. He's more like a parrot than 'Engineer Cody' thought! If he thinks he's getting points for that he's got another thing comin!
* Hayes "Buy *James Dean Type*. Figure out what it is that he types! An e-mail? A tweet?"
* 'David' thinks 'Engineer Cody' has a smooth, buttery voice. For 'Sean' it's all about the looks.

## Recurring Segments

* Choice Critics Critic’s Choice Awards - Sean and Hayes watched the Critic's Choice Awards! Probably the best spectacle in Hollywood, appointment viewing. But what about the bad critics vs. the critics that are so choice?
	+ Sean finds that critics that say something negative about he and Hayes's work are stupid fucking idiots and they just didn't get it. Not evolved enough of people and their thick heads wouldn't let anything smart into their heads. They've become close-minded
		- Rex Reed - a positive review of *Fool's Gold*, a treasure hunting movie with Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey that Hayes wrote and directed a few years ago. He loved the colors! He felt so good and so happy for them when they found the gold.
		- Lisa Schwatzenbaum of *Entertainment Weekly* - a positive review of *American Wedding*, the third installment of the *American Pie* franchise. Horniness shouldn't just be for teens! The desire to shove something up there was stated so eloquently in this film. Lisa mentioned that she was getting extremely horny: "God I got so fucking horny for those two studs who must have written it." This made Sean get very horny while reading the review and he relieved himself with masturbation at the end of it... he thinks.
		- A.O. Scott - a positive review of *Evolution -* praising the decision to cast Orlando Jones in it, the first black guy cast in a movie. The alien crawls up the leg and might bite his dick, a bit that was stolen by *We're the Millers* (s*ee Ep. #036 - John Cochran, Our Close Friend*). Kevin Smiff was brought on to direct. "Hey Ho, A.O.! This Choice Critics Critic’s Choice Award goes to you!
		- Kevin MacFarlane at A.V. Club, Looove him!
* Popcorn Gallery - there's a harmonica-heavy new song! Submitted by Charlie Murphy-Browns.
	+ Michael Bay of Pigs - "Hello Sean O'Connor, if you're Sarah O'Connor's Dad from *Terminator*, couldn't SkyNet just go back in time and kill you before you banged her mom or is that a paradox? Can you explain what a paradox is?"
		- 'David' has never seen *Termi*
		- *nator*. He believe a paradox is a box of parrots.
	+ OcterDoctopus - "Sean O'Connor, you used to be a writer for *The Ben Show with Ben Hoffman*. Did you ever see him take off his baseball cap around the office lockerroom? Please describe the birthmark underneath if you saw it."
		- 'Sean' doesn't like this question because they love Ben Hoffman, love him to death-- doesn't think their audience is the right market for jokes about him. 'David' hasn't ever seen him without his hat on.
	+ Chanson - "Who is your celebrity man-crush?" Don't even get 'Engineer Cody' started on why he's not going to get into that question!
		- ~~James Gandolfini. Gandolf' baby!~~ 'Sean'
* Pro Version - no one bought it this week! You get the newsletter, Hayes's origami'd gum wrappers. Game of Scones actually bought it, Sean and Hayes suggest he'd get a description of another Sean O'Connor joke. 'David' suggests that he'll actually send him a CD. Game of Scones is kind of a deep cut forumer, and this gift is better than any they'd ever get. He instead describes a joke: "Have you ever been to a haunted house?"

## Recurring Jokes

* Rando - so many of the Cards Against Humanity cards are so rando.
* Too Scary - SparkBox's name is very scary
* One Eighth Native American - The boys like to scout out new talent, Sean has his ear to the ground, and he's laughing (at what he's hearing).
* Points! - Hayes and Sean love to scout the talent pools of @midnight. O'Connor goes into detail of a day on @midnight, receiving a t-shirt and cookies, showing them the jokes to which they say they're great and you'll win, then when you do they take the t-shirts away from the other contestants! O'Connor gets points for saying 8 lbs 6 oz as 8 by 6. Sean gets points for confusing Fun Lovin' Criminals for the Bloodhound Gang. 'David' gets them for his final joke.
* Nerds - Chris Hardwick is The Nerd, to which Sean and Hayes can relate. They used to read science books and watch Japanese cartoons. Nerds is cool.
* Speak on That - O'Connor is asked to speak on the statement "there's nowhere like New York." On how a Mets pitcher has name that makes Sean think of an ice cream cone (David Cone). On how he likes Koko B. Ware's parrot.
* Italy - New York has the *wettest* pizza. It's soaking wet.
* Flyover States - PA, OH, AZ - O'Connor has to show the audience how they missed a joke that he told. He does Carlos Mencia's "Doot-da do!" basically word-for-word as "Der Der Der!"
* Wife and Kids - Sean gets tired chasing his kids around all day
* Andrew Ti - Sean and Hayes propose teaming up to go up against a third person. O'Connor: "Like an Andrew Ti? An Earwolf night?" Sean then schemes that if they could get that dastardly Andrew Ti on @midnight with them, they could reeaaal.. Andrew Ti is a racist watchdog, Sean is worried that some of his humor could be labelled as racist. You don't want his sights on you... Or you could potentially be seen as racist. Stay. A. Way. Keep a wide berth. At arm's length and then some.
* Seinfeld - O'Connor loves Jerry Steinfeld so much. He's wearing a Mets hat in homage.
* Scoop Troop - "Sometimes you're having a fun conversation and you need to stop it, say 'Isn't this a movie that we're talking about?' And it is."
* Talking to the Engineer - Cody is nicknamed 'Shitbird' and asked to pronounce Bobcat Goldthwait. If a paradox is a box of parrots, afterwards which he has to apologize to David for smarting off to him. Cody says this is 'Absurd' but noo it's A BIRD. Cody does a really good popcorn sound effect.
* Mark - really phones in the second popcorn bag sound drop.

## Ads

* Cards Against Humanity - It is so epic and badass that no one wanted them to read an ad! It's not an ad because they told them not to buy an ad! It let's you get right back to the show. When you're in the card aisle at the store, you'll remember how short this ad was and pick them up!
* SparkBox - not a box of fire, a very scary name for a very great product! Sean does a great job of spelling the offer code

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, Sean O'Connor, Sean ClementsSean and Sean O'Connor in the studioSean O'Connor in the studioHayes in the studio