Mikhail Zeegurke

## The Terrible Pit Lord

Mikhail Zeegurke (Seegurke), known also as Slarth Pitious, the Pit Lord, and The Gurke, is one of the most powerful entities in all of the Hydrosphere and lorby officer. Son of [REDACTED], he is Clawborn. His strength brought Lorby's attention, who [REDACTED] him into being his apprentice. Ever since, he treks across the ocean floor, claiming all holes and pits present as his own and violently evicting any squatters with his massive girth; he also terrorizes all those who do not provide Lorby Tribute. He is also able make a malicious pit to stop and swallow any who enter it for a time. He is most notorious for being one of the few who have defeated Slarth Hideous, though it is unknown now who is stronger. He also assisted his Clawborn Rival in a few situations, as Lorby's will demands, such as when he burnt down Mario Salarmo's shack.

### Sources of Terrorism

Zeegurke is the offspring of [REDACTED], one of the [REDACTED] in the Abbysal Zone. As such, Zeegurke is Clawborn and somewhat resistant to many afflictions of the deep, such as Crabaids. It is unknown how Zeegurke gained the powerful to conjure malicious Pits of terror, thus granting him the title of "Pit Lord". However, this special power is likely the reason Lorby took him on as an apprentice. despite being from the marches of the Deepest Ocean. In addition to all this, Zeegurke's girth and mass is simply massive, enough to protect him from most attacks.

## The Pit before Lorby

Zeegurke was born in the Abbysal Zone to [REDACTED]. Not much is known about Zeegurke before Lorby's [REDACTED], as the abbysal zone is a very rural region of the Deepest Ocean full of Lobsterbacks and Crabillies. Despite this, Zeegurke showed himself, even as a nematode, to possess far superior intelligence to his peers. He also grew quickly, faster than the average clawborn juvenile. Soon he shed his nematode form to his current form of a writhing mass, despite not even being oceanologically mature. It was here, in this early pubescence, that his Pit Powers manifested. Zeegurke, calling it his "PP", soon enforced his will even to [REDACTED] who lost all influence upon him by this point. He could not stop Zeegurke from using his PP on everyone he encountered, wreaking destruction upon all of the Abyss. It is from this that Lorby sense a disturbance in the Ocean Currents.

### The Pit After Lorby

Lorby quickly slithered to the Abyss with his many legs, being really angry that he had to leave during the Mr.Cupp championship finals, and thus was in a putrid mood that was most foul. Upon Lorby's arrival, he [REDACTED] [REDACTED] to Chiraq, Illinois. Lorby sent him there to make sure that liberals made Chiraq a better place. However, Lorby knew how CRAZYYYYY Chiraq was, and that there was no chance of it happening. It was a task made to drive [REDACTED] into rational insanity.

Zeegurke, withnessing the [REDACTION] of his father, grew terribly angry at Lorby. It is here that Zeegurke manifested Green Mayo, filling a massive Pit of his with it and using his mass to force Lorby into the Green Mayo. Lorby was pleasantly surprised at Zeegurke's will and strength, deciding to forgive his insolence and to cultivate him. Lorby, being one of the best swimmers, swam out of the Green Mayo. Zeegurke, shocked at Lorby's ability to swim out of the Pit, Instantly stopped flashing his PP around and submitted to Lorby, upon which he apologized to Lorby, saying "*Every Pit has an equal and opposite Slit*," in a very offensive Chinese accent. Lorby, interpreting his chinese accent as genuine, [REDACTED] Zeegurke to purify him from Mongoloid Influence. However, as this chinese accent was just a prank, Zeegurke instead was forced to suffer through the process for weeks. **This is the only time Zeegurke felt what it's like to be in the Pit.**

## Slarth Rivalry

Zeegurke was initially Lorby's only apprentice at the time. However, within a few hydrocycles, Lorby found another worthy clawborn in The Good Doctor Phil, son of Slaridar. Zeegurke viewed Dr.Phil with disgust, as he reeked of Yellow Mayo that smelled like ASS. This disgust was compounded onto anger and hate when Lorby, for unknown reasons, showed preference to Philliam. Dr.Phil soon earned the title Slarth Hideous. Zeegurke was absolutely Coping, Seething, *and* Malding. Zeegurke, soon after, confronted Dr.Phil in Jizzingham. Zeegurke yelled at Dr.Phil. stating, "*You will not take Lorby from me!*" to which Dr.Phil replied "*You have done that yourself*." Zeegurke then said "*If you're not with me, then you're my Benchud*." Dr.Phil said "Only a badhoo deals in absolutes."

The Good Doctor used level 3 Guardian Sprint, but alas he was rooted in place by the nefarious Pit of Malice, despite it only being level 1. Zeegurke's mastery of the Pit stopped Phil from running away from Zeegurke's backhand. Zeegurke gave Dr.Phil Crabaids. Dr.Phil is clawborn, born of Slaridar, Crabaids is a nonlethal disease for the Clawborn, but Dr.Phil still immensely suffered for weeks in the Walmart Bathrooms by vomiting in the toilets and clogging them with Paper Towels and Chum. Dr.Phil, weakened by disease and defeated in the physical fight was able to coat Zeegurke in a foul yellow mayo slime. It made Zeegurke smell like an indian village and prevented him from leaving the pit for weeks.

#### Rebirthed Reborn

Though Zeegurke won the duel, he greatly suffered the effects of his rival's most vile Yellow Mayo. Zeegurke faced a stark reality; Philliam's yellow mayo was stronger than his own Green mayo. The Yellow Mayo stuck to his body, which trapped him in his own pit. The Green Mayo could not scrape it off. Philliam could turn his own power against him. This was a victory, but it was not decisive.

After the yellow mayo rotted away, Zeegurke finally crawled out of the Pit, reborn and hardened by this fight. Lorby was forced to acknowledge Zeegurke's victory by granting him the title Slarth Pitious. With his toxic Fishculinity restored, Zeegurke soon travelled across the deepest ocean both to enforce the Claw with extreme prejudice and to seek sources of strength. He made his Green Mayo Greener and produced more of it until he started constantly producing it naturally even in his sleep, thus giving him a somewhat greenish tinge. He also invented a new technique, the "Steven's Locker", a deadly technique utilizing a rectangular pit and a foul mayo that attracts carnivorous sea flies, with a lock that's locked by a lock that's locked by a lock that's locked by a lock, which are all made out of crystalized green mayo.

However, Zeegurke was smart. He knew that there was more to the ocean than Strength. He knew he needed Knowledge.

## Acts of Terror

After gaining his double degree in Hydrospace Benzoneering and Aquatic Terrorism, he returned to Lorby to thank him for his benevolence. Lorby gave him a gift for graduating College, an extremely expensive and hard to acquire item in the deepest ocean, a McRib and a half. After this most gracious gift was consumed, Zeegurke reaffirmed his loyalty to Lorby and in return Lorby gave him the quest to lay down the claw as harshly upon the heretics and all those who threaten the hydrosphere. Thus began The Pit Lord's reign of terror across the Deepest Ocean and earning the moniker "Terrible." He famously burned down Mario Salarmo's shed, in cooperation with his most hated rival who he frequently duels. However, his most notorious act of Terror was the Green Flood Incident.

#### Trivia

Zeegurke is one of the few people that actually understands Gauge Theory and The Wormulaic Formula.

Zeegurke gathers magical artifacts from the surface into the deepest ocean.

His Catchphrase is *"Can you smerr what the GURKE is cooking?"* in a very despicable mongoloid accent.