The Magic Riddle Review

*The review begins with Bob dressed up as the Riddler, one of Batman's most notorious enemies, chuckling sinisterly.*

**Bob:** Riddle me this! What happens when you take several fairy tales and combine them into one story?

*A movie poster for "Shrek" comes up.*

**Bob:** Eh, close enough. This is "The Magic Riddle".

*The movie's title comes up. followed by the opening credits.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Yeah, intermingling fairy tales is hardly a new concept, and today's little experiment in story amalgamation is brought to us by writer/producer/director Yoram Gross. I know you're not supposed to judge anything solely by their appearance, but the prospect of watching a "Gross" movie doesn't exactly sound very appealing, does it? Our movie begins with a little old grandmother telling us how she loves fairy tales, but she has a little habit of mixing up the details.

**Grandmother:** Once upon a time, there were two little pigs. Oh, goodness gracious me... were they really ugly ducklings?... And was it two or three? Let's see... Now, they went to walking in the wood and soon met Big Bad Riding Hood. Or, did they meet Pinocchio? Good heavens, I don't know...

**Bob:**  If it turns out that she's the one who wrote the "animated Titanic" trilogy, that would make too much sense. \*voiceover\* And, I'm not sure that *this* is the best way to introduce our narrator. If she loves fairy tales that much, wouldn't she know them well enough, so that she doesn't mix them up? How reliable a narrator can she be if she's gone completely senile? Anyway, our little story begins by ripping off "The Neverending Story", which we see a young girl named Cindy trying to make her way through the Swamp of Sadness. And, what's more depressing is the fact that there are only two people providing the voices in this movie. (Robyn Moore and Keith Scott) You gotta love it when the credits tells us that *no one* wanted this movie on their résumé. But, Cindy falls through a bridge, which I guess was made out of rotting balsa wood, and is quickly saved by a stable hand named Phillip. Sure is a good thing he heard her cries for help over all this thunder.

**Phillip:** \*helping Cindy up\* Here's my coat. Go home, I'll sort out this mess.

**Cindy:** Thank you, sir... But, I- I can't leave anything out here. I'll get into terrible trouble.

**Phillip:** Don't worry, I'll take care of it. Where do you live?

**Cindy:** Keep's Meadow.

**Phillip:** The widow's house?

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* We then meet the old widow, who looks like a bad Rhea Perlman caricature, and she apparently knows Phillip by name.

**Widow:** Phillip! What a wonderful surprise! So nice to see you back again.

**Phillip:** Thank you, ma'am.

**Widow:** Don't stand around in the wet, you'll catch a cold! Bye! See you at two... darling. \*laughs and shuts the window\*

**Bob:** So, he's been to the old widow's house multiple times already, but he's never met Cindy, who lives with her? \*beat, sarcastic\* Good to know that our hero has *great* powers of observation. \*voiceover\* Speaking of observation, nobody thought of telling these animators that what they're doing is just hideous. Seriously, this is some of the *ugliest* animation I've ever seen in my life. I know that fairy tales are supposed to be a little bit scary here and there, but for god's sake! "The Boxtrolls" were more appealing than this, and that was *supposed* to be ugly!

*The video zooms in on the widow's saggy breasts.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* And I have no idea when this movie is supposed to be taking place, but come on, you can't tell me that there's no kind of support for this woman in whatever time period this is supposed to be. We then get a little song where Cindy sings about how much work she has to do.

**Cindy:** \*singing\* Cindy, go and wash the windows,

Cindy, sweep the hall

**Cat:** \*singing\* Cindy, when you finish,

scrub the kitchen wall to wall

**Cindy:** \*singing\* Cindy, have you cleaned the laundry?

**Rats:**  Cindy, mop the floor!

**Cindy:** \*singing\* Cindy, don't forget to look behind the kitchen door!

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Followed by another song about how the old widow just loves being mean.

**Widow:** \*singing\* I'm... mean, mean, mean

It's great to be mean \*spoken\* I love it!

\*sung\* mean, mean, mean

Can't wait to be mean

Mean, mean

Never too late to be mean, mean

Guess it's my fate to be mean, mean, mean

\*spoken\* I'm mean!

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* And then, followed up by a *third* song where she sings about finding the will of Cindy's wealthy grandfather.

**Widow:** \*singing\* So, I will find the will, I will find the will,

and Cindy will never enjoy it

I will find the will, I will find the will,

I will find the will and destroy it!

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Yeah, three songs are thrown at us in the span of only two minutes. I get the movie wanting to exposit the finding of the will through a big musical number, but what was the point of the other two songs when the movie just **told** us that the old widow is mean, and she likes piling chores on Cindy?

**Bob:** I guess it's a good thing that they're only a few seconds long, but still. \*voiceover\* Oh, yeah, and while she's singing about finding her grandfather's will- which was hidden for some reason?- we see her two daughters having a bath together, and squirting each other with goo. (actually toothpaste)

**Bob:** Brand new year, same old tradition of reviewing horrible kids movies with terribly inappropriate imagery.

*The same scene replays, accompanied by suggestive music.*

(Editor: Must be a Bobsheaux! \*ta-da!\*)

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* We then see Cindy fall asleep after a long day of... not washing the dishes or any of the other chores she was supposed to do, when she's visited by... the narrator? What, was getting all these fairy tales jumbled up not enough for her and she has to confuse them with her own life, too? Oh, but get a load of what she tells "Ugly Stepsister #1" when she's discovered doing Cindy's chores.

**Ertha:** Who are you?

**Grandmother:** I'm Cindy's grandmother.

**Ertha:** Cindy's grandma?

**Grandmother:** Yes! I used to look after you when you were little girls!

**Bob:** You think you're actually *related* to these fairy tale characters? I don't know if there's a word for what's wrong with you, but you're scaring the hell out of me. \*voiceover\* So, she asks "Ugly Stepsister #1" to not tell Cindy about her- why not?- and Phillip shows up the next day, so he can... I have no idea. Yeah, they're obviously ripping off Cinderella, but he's not a prince and he's not looking for the girl who left behind a glass slipper at the ball he didn't have, so why is he here?

**Widow:** Do you remember the girls, Phillip?

**Phillip:** But, don't you have another daughter, ma'am?

**Bob:** Yes, you brought her home yourself **yesterday**. The stepsisters then sing a song about how alluring they are. Pardon me while I grab a bucket.

**Bertha:** \*singing\* Sisters, sisters

No one can resist us

sisters, sisters

beautiful and fair

**Bob:** \*singing and mimicking Bertha\* Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? \*normal\* And, they're apparently *so* alluring, that Phillip just sneaks away to talk to Cindy, without any of them noticing. But, the old widow chases him off and tells Cindy to get back to work... which she waits until after nightfall to do. I know we're supposed to sympathize with her, but so far, it looks like her biggest problem is that she just has terrible time-management skills. Cindy falls asleep on the job, making her look more lazy than worn out, and Grandma shows up again to finish her work. This time, she's discovered by the old widow, who then proceeds to... chase her around for some reason. And, no, it's not like she's trying to protect herself or her daughters from this intruder, she *knows* it's Cindy's grandma.

**Bob:** Now, don't get me wrong, I am all for movies trying new things. However, I don't think that throwing character motivations out the window was exactly the right way to go. \*voiceover\* "Stepsister #1" tells Cindy about what her grandma's been doing, and she suggests that she go visit her in the woods.

**Ertha:** Take this red riding hood cape. You won't be recognized.

**Bob:** Recognized by *whom*? \*voiceover\* And, why do you want Cindy to visit her grandma? That just means it's gonna be up to *you* to carry on with the housework, you poorly animated moron. But the old widow overhears this conversation, and then she asks her not previously established magic mirror about what she should do about it. One would think the *obvious* thing to do would be to simply lock her in her room, since she just loves being mean, but since everyone in this movie is nuttier than squirrel poo, I guess demanding a little thing like *logic* is too much to ask for. Instead, her reflection makes the suggestion that she dress up in a beard, hat, and trench coat to solve her little problem.

*We cut back to Bob, who is briefly dressed up as the Joker, wearing the face-mask from "Death of the Family".*

**Bob:** Which does make sense; a little random cosplay always gets *my* creative juices flowing. \*voiceover\* We then cut to Grandma's house, which is decorated with wooden dwarves that Grandpa decided to carve for some reason. Yeah, *these* don't look creepy at all, do they? Anyway, it seems that Grandma is looking for Grandpa's will, too. What exactly is the point of *making* the will if you're not going to let anyone *read* it?

**Grandmother:** Oh, Grandpa... the answer's in the magical riddle, isn't it? Oh, but, how did it go?

**Bob:**  \*voiceover\* Oh, yeah! This movie's supposed to be about a magical riddle! I completely forgot!

**Grandmother:** \*starts singing\* Riddle-me-diddle

and riddle-me-dah...

**Bob:** \*voiceover, sarcastic\* Oh, yes, that's just wonderful. Let's add *another* terrible song to the soundtrack. Can't have enough of those, can we?

**Bob:** Here's a riddle that, apparently, nobody can answer: *how do we make this movie get to the point?* \*voiceover\* Oh, and what *is* the magic riddle?

**Grandmother:** \*singing\* Riddle and diddle and riddle-me-dis,

but little Pinocchio, he knows where it is!

That is the secret wherever he goes

and only Pinocchio, only Pinocchio, only Pinocchio knows!

**Bob:** That's right, the magic riddle is that Pinocchio knows where to find Grandpa's will... Wow, is that a let-down. I mean, granted, I wasn't expecting anything especially mind-blowing here, but really, *that's* the best they could do? That's not a riddle, that's just simple information.

*Cut to a picture of Christmas presents marked with the Riddler's insignia.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* I leave riddles on my Christmas presents that are more complex than that. And, by the way, if the idea is to keep the will a secret, why would you entrust that secret to **Pinocchio?**

*Cut to a picture of Disney's version of Pinocchio with a long nose.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Anyone else might try to lead people off the will's trail by giving them some false information, but Pinocchio doesn't exactly have a good poker face. Ugh, so the old widow shows up at Grandma's cottage, looking like a terrible Jewish stereotype, and she takes her to be hidden away in "The Castle of A Hundred Doors".

**Bob:** You know, if the point is to make a story based on a bunch of fairy tales, wouldn't it make more sense to give Grandma a poisoned apple of some kind? Maybe... cut out her heart, put it in a little box, and give it to the queen? Fatten her up on candies and cookies before you eat her? Feed her to wolves? \*beat, voiceover\* Speaking of wolves, "Cindy Red Riding Hood" goes into the woods, where she has a much harder time finding Grandma's house than the old widow did, I guess, and she bumps into this thing that's clearly not a wolf. I mean, yeah, it's obviously not a real wolf, it's someone in a costume, but they couldn't even try to make it look like a wolf? The best they could do is make it look like a lovable cocker spaniel? How is Cindy supposed to be scared of this thing? Yeah, the whole point is just to *scare* Cindy off, since it's soon revealed that it's the old widow in the dog costume, who just wants to throw her off Grandma's trail.

**Bob:** How easy would it be for her to just *kill* Cindy and Grandma? You like being mean, lady? You don't get much meaner than *that!* And then, for no reason, we see Cindy singing to the ugly duckling. Anytime you want to get back to what passes for the plot would be fine with me, movie.

**Cindy:** \*singing\* I know what it's like, a poor ugly ducking,

and wishing that you were a swan...

**Bob:** \*imitating Cindy\* Oh, damn these big doe eyes, this long, flowing hair, this slim but curvy figure. When will I grow up to become a *swan?* \*voiceover\* Phillip shows up again and gives Cindy a ring that he probably found in a Cracker Jack box, but the old widow shows up again and shoos her away. How does she know where Cindy is at all times, and how does she just show up in the blink of an eye? We then get- are you ready for this?- **another** song, where Cindy tells us about the Three Little Pigs. Point, purpose, reason, relevance, these are concepts beyond the director's capacity. She does discover the dog suit that the old widow was wearing, but since this has absolutely no bearing on the plot whatsoever, this revelation is completely pointless, too. She goes back to Grandma's house, but when she finds that Grandma still isn't there, she cries against one of the wooden dwarves, and...

*One of the dwarves magically starts coming to life and kisses Cindy.*

**Goody:** I'm alive! \*singing\* My name is Goody

We call him Moody!

**Bob:**  No! No-no-no, no-no-no-no-no-*no!* *No!* You **do** not do that, movie! *Maybe* if you established that these were *real* dwarves at one point and they're placed under an enchantment which *turns* them into wood. But, no! That's not what you said! **You** said that these were just blocks of wood that Grandpa, for some reason, decided to carve into dwarves. **What the hell just happened here?!** \*voiceover\* So, yeah, crying on one dwarf brings the rest of them to life, because it's magic, don't question it. And, of course, all of our favorite dwarves are here: Rip van Winkle, Santa Claus, Handicap, Gene Shalit, and a couple of Dopeys. Her crying also brings Pinocchio to life, too... and he sounds like Daffy Duck, of all characters.

**Pinocchio:** \*singing\* And just for the record, I'm sure you'll recall

(spoken) I happen to be the most **famous** of all! \*his nose starts growing\*

**Bob:** Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, hold it, hold it, hold it! Back it up a bit!

*The clip rewinds, and then continues playing. Then, it pauses upon viewing Pinocchio's long nose, which looks strangely phallic.*

**Bob:** ...Why don't we just move on? \*voiceover\* The dwarves somehow know that the widow took Grandma away, and they go out to look for her. Meanwhile, the widow comes across Cindy's music box and this, somehow, convinces her that Cindy likes dancing, and she plans to put on a ball to get her to come back home. Umm... why doesn't she just *look* for Cindy? She only knows one other place, which is her Grandma's house, why doesn't she just go there and *get* her? She spreads out hundreds of flyers to advertise for the ball, and word of it eventually gets to Cindy.

**Cindy:** \*reading\* Widow's masked ball. Everyone invited.

**Bob:** So, not only is it a *masked* ball, where Cindy could easily just disguise herself and the widow would never know that she's there, but her name actually is "Widow"? You know, instead of looking for Grandpa's will, why don't you try looking for your birth certificate, since you clearly don't know your own name? \*voiceover\* And, it just so happens that the dwarves pick up on how Cindy could easily disguise herself, too, so they... wait several months until they put Cindy's costume together. So, what was the point of introducing the narrator as Cindy's "Fairy Godmother" stand-in, if it was just going to be the dwarves who help her get all ready for the ball?

**Pinocchio:** \*cutting in\* Allow me to introduce myself, madam. I am the grand duke of the whole wide world!

**Bob:** You *might* be noticing that Pinocchio's nose does not grow when he says that. I mean sure, he's only playing right now. But, technically, that *is* a lie... which always made me wonder about the original story. How exactly was Pinocchio supposed to pursue a career in acting instead of going to school? \*beat\* Acting is really nothing more than professional lying, so how could he pursue any kind of acting endeavors when he has a condition that *prevents* him from lying? \*voiceover\* But, her costume isn't complete yet. They give her a mask made of snow, which will somehow last until the stroke of midnight, of course it will, and they try to lend her their shoes, none of which fit her feet.

**Pinocchio:** I just happen to have **big** feet, and big shoes! \*chuckles\* Allow me, madam.

**Cindy:** Thank you, dear Pinocchio.

**Bob:**  And, you know what they say about guys with big feet, right? Big *noses*.

*He gives a suggestive look at the camera.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* So, they get Cindy to the ball, where we see all kinds of guests in attendance: pirates, clowns, devils, Sacha Baron Cohen, fairies, furries...

*Cut to a brief clip of Bob gasping.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* ...and Phillip dressed like Bruce Wayne. He and Cindy immediately start dancing, as do "Stepsister #1" and Pinocchio. My god, you're in public, man! Can't you put on a pair of boxers over your head or something?

**Ertha:** Do you always dance without shoes?

**Pinocchio:** Umm... I lent them to Cin-

**Ertha:** Who?

**Pinocchio:** I lent them to Snow White, actually.

**Ertha:** Snow White? \*laughs\*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Hang on, Pinocchio says he gave his shoes to Snow White, which is a lie, and his nose *still* doesn't grow? So far, we've only seen it grow when he talks about how he's the most famous of all. You know, back in that scene when he was playing himself up to Cindy. Does his nose only grow when he gets excited?

**Bob:** Well, it wouldn't be one of **my** reviews if it didn't have some kind of horrible, underage sex-thing going on, would it? \*voiceover\* But the clock strikes twelve, \*sarcastic\* great time-management skills, Cindy, \*normal\* and she makes her exit. The widow and her daughters chase after Phillip, and **oh, my god!**

*An animation error shows Bertha with a barrel chest and a hulking figure.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Damn, Bertha's been hitting the gym between takes! Bertha **smash!** Cindy makes a clean getaway after somehow slipping out of one of her shoes, with which "Stepsister #1" vows to find her lost love. She goes to Phillip with the idea that maybe Cindy and Pinocchio are staying at Grandma's cottage, and Phillip just goes off on his own and leaves the stepsister behind. \*sarcastic\* Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

**Phillip:** \*singing\* I'll never stop 'till I find her,

the girl in the snow-white dress

where did she come from, where did she go?

There's so much about her that I don't know

(Editor: \*singing the last line with Phillip\* Where did she come from, Cotton Eye Joe...)

**Bob:** OK, the question, "Where did she go?" I can understand, since the stepsister only said she was at her grandma's house out in the woods. That's kind of a vague location. But... "Where did she come from?" Idiot, **you were just at her house!**

**Phillip:** \*singing\* Where is the girl in the snow-white dress?

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Wait, first she's Cinderella, then she's Snow White? He better not find her in a death-like sleep or something. The widow consults with her magic mirror again, and it advises that she dress up in a witch's hat and put a strap-on over her face.

**Bob:** *What?!* That's what it is! A witch's nose is usually crooked down, pointed, and it'll often have a wart or two on it. But, that's not what that is! *That* is a strap-on! I feel like I need to be putting censor bars all over this review! \*voiceover\* Anyway, she meets Pinocchio at Grandma's house and tells him that she's his long-lost mother. And, of course, he believes her immediately. Why not? Apparently, considerable dick sizes run in the family. And, hang on: how does that fake nose fit over her real nose? You could plow fields with that honker!

**Pinocchio:** I'm just so happy! Wait 'till I tell Cindy! She hasn't got a mother either!

**Widow:** Cindy, eh?

**Pinocchio:** Yes! She's my best friend, and I love her dearly!

**Widow:** Uh, a nice-a girl?

**Pinocchio:** \*twists his head around\* She's the most beautiful girl in the *world!*

**Bob:** OK, admittedly, this is me just nitpicking again, but... would it really be too much trouble to draw a *line* on Pinocchio's neck to indicate that his head and his body are two separate pieces of wood? We've seen other Pinocchios with their heads spinning around, and that worked because it was obvious that those were two separate parts, but with *this*... It just looks like he needs an exorcist.

*The clip of Pinocchio rotating his head ala "The Exorcist" is seen again.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover, imitating Regan MacNeil\* Your mother sucks noses in hell! \*normal\* He invites the widow into the house, and because Cindy is Snow White now, the widow uses a poisoned apple to kill her.

**Widow:** \*moving the apple like a pendulum\* Cockamamie, rondelet, now, do everything I say!

*Cindy slowly collapses onto the bed.*

**Bob:** \*furious\* **NO!!! NO, NO, NO!!! I told you not to do that, movie! I told you that we shouldn't find her in a death-like sleep! But, you did it anyway!** First, she's Cinderella, then she's Snow White, **now she's Sleeping Beauty?! What is the point of making this girl into all these different fairy tale princesses?!** While *that's* going on, the dwarves are out looking for Grandma, and they come across the Castle of A Hundred Doors. And, I gotta admit, a big, spooky castle with rooms disappearing and reappearing at random is pretty awesome.

*The song "Within You" (performed by the late David Bowie) from Jim Henson's "Labyrinth" plays as the dwarves all split up and look for Cindy's grandmother, one of the rooms happening to be a homage to M. C. Escher's "Relativity", which was also seen in "Labyrinth".*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Pinocchio goes for help after throwing the widow down a well, and of course, he *immediately* comes upon the castle. He goes in to look for the dwarves, all the while dragging along the thread from his shoe that was caught at the front gate.

*Another error shows that Pinocchio has both shoes on, when he's supposed to be bare-footed.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* Hey, wait a minute, how did he get his other shoe back?

*The dwarves continue to look for Cindy's grandmother in a long hallway, and the characters from "Scooby Doo" are seen running from one entryway to the next.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* And, Phillip is there, too... Yeah, because *this* looks like it'd be Grandma's cottage, doesn't it? They, eventually, all find each other and make their way out of the castle, thanks to the hundreds of feet of thread that came from Pinocchio's shoe, and they go back to Grandma's house, where Cindy is lying in a position that's radically different from we last saw her. My god, what was Pinocchio *doing* with her before he left?

**"Handicap":** \*talking in a Droopy-esque voice\* Is she going to die?

**Bob:** \*voiceover, imitating "Handicap"\* Why do I suddenly sound like Droopy? \*normal\* Of course, Phillip kisses her and she immediately wakes up, and he asks her to marry him.

**Cindy:** I don't know what to say!

**Pinocchio:** That's easy. You say yes!

**Cindy:** I can't.

**Phillip:** Why not?

**Cindy:** Well, because... because, you're a gentleman. Look at me, I have nothing.

**Bob:** \*imitating Cindy\* What can I possibly offer you? \*shakes his chest, voiceover\* But then, Grandma tells her that her Grandpa left her everything, and she goes to Pinocchio to prove it, since he knows where the will is.

**Pinocchio:** Where is this will?

**Bob:** ...What?

**Pinocchio:** Where is this will?

**Bob:**...*What?!*

*Cut briefly to the grandmother's "riddle song" where she sings "only Pinocchio knows".*

**Pinocchio:** Where is this will?

**Bob:** So... the whole point of the magic riddle was that Pinocchio knows where the will is... except that he **DOESN'T KNOW WHERE THE WILL IS?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!** \*voiceover, sarcastic\* Oh, but it's OK, because the magic riddle is actually a play on words. See, Pinocchio doesn't know where the will is, the will is actually hidden in his nose, and- **whoa, hey there!**

*Phillip grabs Pinocchio's nose and twists on it.*

**Pinocchio:** Take it easy!

**Bob:** You did that on purpose, movie! **Maybe** it was a coincidence that his nose just *happened* to look like a penis, but no! That confirms it: **that thing is a dick!** \*voiceover\* And, by the way, why *did* Grandpa leave everything in his will to Cindy? Grandma's still alive, but he didn't leave anything to *her*? How does the inheritance go to the widow if no one finds the will? Why is she called the widow, when it's the *grandma* whose husband has recently died? Shouldn't *she* be the widow? Why does Pinocchio have a dick on his face?! \*groans\* Anyway, the will also stipulates that Cindy will only get everything if she gets married, and **this** is what makes her agree to marry Phillip. That's right, she only marries him if it means that she can get a bunch of stuff that she didn't even want. What an inspiring message for young girls everywhere. So, they get married and everyone lives happily ever after... except for the dwarves, who have to turn back into wood at the sound of wedding bells for some reason. Umm... thanks for the downer?

**Bob:** So, that was "The Magic Riddle", and I feel like I have to take a shower now.

*Various clips from the movie play as the ending theme plays.*

**Bob:** \*voiceover\* The animation is ugly, the story's a mess, the characters are obnoxious, the pacing is rushed, the songs are forgettable, the magic riddle has nothing magical about it whatsoever, combining all these stories into some grandmother's self-insertion fanfic is disturbing; and speaking of disturbing, what the hell is up with all the phallic noses in this movie?! I'm sorry, but who's bright idea was it to design these characters like this? I don't think I've ever seen a kids movie that made me feel this awkward!

**Bob:** If you wanna share these classic stories with your children, I highly recommend you share with them the *real* stories, and leave this movie alone to be forgotten. \*gives his two-finger salute\* See you next time.

*The music video for "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls plays over the credits.*