Christian Mingle (GAM025)

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***ChristianMingle.com*** is easily one of the best website movies out there. The radio ad probably went something like this: "Gwyneth is a successful young woman, and she's Christian, but is she *Chriiiiiistian*? Find out what happens at ChristianMingle.comTheMovie.com." It's basically like if *The Social Network* just got rid of the plot and was just about one person, who went on Facebook and eventually liked something, and the thing they liked was Jesus. That's the movie.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because self-immolation would just be over too quick.

### **How Bad Was It?**

So, this is like *The Day the Clown Cried* of Christian cinema: you feel like it's not complete; it's so terrible that you want to love it but you also simultaneously hate it; at some point you're not confused about whether or not it's Jerry Lewis in the movie… It's just generally a very confusing and emotionally upsetting movie. This is the*fastest* movie to get *nowhere* anywhere—it's like if Speedy Gonzalez ran in tiny circles. That's the plot and action of this terrible film.

### **Best Worst**

* Noah: ...romance. [From before the "Best Worst" bit, but it fits.]
* Eli: ...editing.
* Chelsea: …single scene. [Signing up for a website.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Chelsea, "the Peggy Olson of dick jokes", on her website and on Twitter.
* The film may technically pass the Bechdel test because Gwyneth and her friend discuss the baldness subplot.

### **Jokes**

* [Noah: And we're back for the breakdown, and in the time that it took me to say those words, the movie had already squeezed in eight lines of exposition and three production logos. Holy shot, was this movie in a hurry to be over.] [Eli: Yeah, it starts *so* fast, and it's the fastest time of me hating a movie that we've ever watched. I timed it: fourteen seconds in they say "We all have our different ways of our relationship with Jesus" and I was like "I'm out!" 'Cause I keep waiting—listen, we've done twenty-five episodes—I keep waiting to come upon a Christian movie where I'm just like "You know what? I *liked* that movie." Fourteen seconds in and I was like "Not this one."] [Noah: Crossing it off the list.] (8:51)
* [Eli: And the dialogue in this scene is absolutely *so* painful. I have had more comfortable conversations walking my dad through anal sex *with me*. That's how terrible the dialogue in this movie... ] [Heath: You move I'll stay. You move, I'll stay.] [Eli: Yeah, you move, I'll stay. Just push. It'll go it—you just gotta trust it. It's about faith.] [Noah: I'm so glad you elaborated. I didn't want to leave anything to the imagination on that one. Yes, I lost one IQ point every time we switched speakers in this conversation. It was *so* bad.] (24:46)
* [Chelsea: I feel like Lacey, actually, she was pretty charming in this part. This whole scene, I felt like she was doing a *lot* of work, and I *liked* her—I felt like I wanted to save her... from this movie. You know? I'm like "No, no, you've done enough. You go. You leave. The movie doesn't need to keep going, you did it."] [Eli: Chelsea. Chelsea, walk me through that conversation. I'm gonna be Lacey, and just talk me out of this. Talk me through this. Help me out.] [Chelsea: Okay, I burst onto set. She's there.] [Eli: "Oh my gosh, who's this?] [Chelsea: "Lacey, you don't know me… ] [Eli: "No, I saw the Lena Dunham video. I thought it was great."] [Chelsea: Oh, thank you! Anyway, um… Sorry, I just love meeting fans." No, I'm kidding. So, just like: "Lacey, you're better than this." And she'd be like "No, no, I deserve this."] [Eli: "No I'm not. I'm not. My agent said this was good. It's a new market—I need to break in."] [Chelsea: "No, just do *any* other commercial. Any other commercial."] [Eli: Should I do… should I do, like… porn?] [Chelsea: "Way step up, yeah! Dump 'em out girl. Dump 'em out."] [Eli: "Dump 'em out" is my new catchphrase. That's how I'm gonna street harass people from now on: "Dump 'em out! Dump 'em ooouuut."] [Chelsea: It's weirdly effective.] (1:16:50)

### **Interstitials**

* Website Based Romantic Comedies (7:31)
* Tony D's School of How to Say Grace Right (59:00)

### **Tropes**

* Awkward Kiss
* Christians Don't Know How the World Works [eg. Advertising]
* Disappointing Christian Celebrities [including Stephen Tobolowsky]
* Looks Like…
* Minority Best Friend
* Nothing Happens
* Problem of Evil
* SEXISM!
* RACISM!
* Reprehensible Moral Message
* This is YOUR Movie! [See "Problem of Evil"]
* Vaguely Heard of Jesus

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on Youtube
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDB