262: On Your Marks, Get Set, STAIRCASE!

## Summary

The party go back to their rooms and see out the night. In the morning, the city is buzzing with the build up to the Grand Staircase Footrace and the group head out, sampling the street food. At the base of the dam, everyone bar Will dons their race jersey and Gwen meets a couple of serious-looking competitors before Arbiter Beartoggle makes an appearance to start the race!

## Synopsis

Having just heard the otherworldly scream from inside the hotel, Gwen quizzes Will about what nefarious activities he's been getting up to while he was missing. Will, still drunk, launches into his own defence, telling Gwen that it was Raphina who stole the orb and broke it, and that he's not the one who's been making deals with gods. Gwen asks to see the orb, and Raphina holds out a handful of dust. Gwen casts *Detect Magic* and the glow is so strong that it's blinding. As she looks on, the glow seems to be fading.

Pointing out that Raphina has apparently killed the dark entity in this orb, Will suggests hiring her to protect him. Raphina blushes. *"Oh Will, I will never sign a piece of paper that you give me."* she replies. Will wants to go and dry himself off properly, Raphina wants to go back to "sleep" and Gwen says she has some sponge candy on the stove that she needs to finish up with. She tells them how her new nails seem to be so much more effective when preparing candy and Will thinks that all her new purple, crystalline body parts must be a sign that she's now in a deal with a dark power. Gwen is concerned that Kowl hasn't been able to get in touch with Moondreamer, but she reassures them that she feels fine, saying, *"I don't have a strange crown on my head. I can cast my spells and not cast something differently and kill someone."* Batthwack and Will feel the burn.

Raphina says *"I really wish we could find the Desert Mothers."* Will begrudgingly admits they probably need to team up and take this matter into their own hands. This thought suddenly triggers a flashback to the way he used to picture the outside world, and now he's strutting around Six Rivers talking about killing gods. Gwen's eyes get really big at the idea that she's finally been accepted into a team. Will's still resistant to this idea, but the alcohol and early onset of a hangover seems to have sapped his usual negative energy and he can't seem to fight it. As they walk back inside, they discuss team names, agreeing that "Sheemie and the Shim Shams" isn't the best.

Back in the kitchen, Gwen disappears, scurrying from station to station, stirring, flipping, mixing, extinguishing, cooling and heating, and finding herself missing Aleister. Will heads out, swiping a bottle of alcohol as he goes and then discovering it's Bufflin cooking sherry. He heads up to his room to dry himself out and the others spend the night in their own fashion. When Gwen's finished in the kitchen, she *Prestidigitates* everything clean and lays out a few of her freshly made candies with a thank you note for the hotel staff.

In their rooms, sleep eludes them all as usual. Time passes and eventually a cock crows and they all suddenly feel rejuvenated, as if waking from a long rest. Before long, although it still isn't fully light, sounds of activity from outside the hotel begin to pick up. At around 6am, the sound of an accordion player warming up can be heard outside. The party emerge from their rooms, Raphina bubbling with newfound energy and Will looking pretty rough. Batthwack reminds them that the race starts in about an hour and Will says he wants to eat something. They catch the faint aroma of street food wafting through the air.

Sheemie asks which of them are going to join the race. Everyone agrees that Will is in no fit state. *"I never look like I'm ready to run a race and I take pride in that"* he says. A thought flits across Batthwack's mind and he asks if the rules of the race stipulate that you have to run. Sheemie is a bit hazy on the details. He says *"I mean, you go up, and then you come back down. Whoever makes it down first, wins."* They all agree that it would be good to eat something first, especially if Will is actually saying he's hungry, so they head down the stairs to the lobby.

The front doors of the hotel are propped open and the inviting aroma of food leads them outside. In the early dawn light, they're greeted by streets full of bustling activity. It's surprisingly busy this far from the Grand Staircase. People are milling about generally moving in the direction of the dam. There's different stands set up along the road, a lot them food based, selling all kinds of breakfast fare. Gwen makes a beeline for the first meat-on-a-stick based stand she sees and Will finds a place selling open breakfast sandwiches. The person working there folds one up neatly for him, and Will's so hungry and hungover that he doesn't even care about them touching his food. He buys coffee for him and Sheemie, grumpily handing it over. *"This is why you don't want to drink,"* says Gwen to Sheemie. Raphina hunts down a cart selling granola with all sorts of nuts and things to choose from and she adds this as filling to a crêpe from the kiosk next door.

They make their way towards the Grand Staircase, the crowds getting thicker and the noise getting louder the closer they get. Music can be heard up ahead; the accordion strains heard earlier are now in full force as wonderful, jubilant polka music. Though they're still a little way from the dam and the staircase itself, they find themselves at what appears to be the starting point of the race, where people in various forms of athletic wear are gathered around. Officials are handing out bright, neon, lime green jerseys to all would-be competitors, who are then making their way to a large circle marked on the ground.

Gwen gets the attention of an official and, after being briefly sized up, is given a large jersey. Using her new amethyst nails she's able to adapt it into a V-neck (so her head fits), remove the sleeves (for ease of movement) and fray the bottom (for style). The official looks hopefully at the others and Batthwack and Raphina both take jerseys. Will *Messages* Sheemie, suggesting the race would be a good pickpocketing opportunity, and the boy enthusiastically takes a jersey too. The official looks at Will. *"Get away from me,"* he says.

Will looks around for evidence of the prize, trying to locate the finishing line or winners podium, but can't see anything like that around here. He does notice tapestries hung on the walls of this area, covering something. There's a variety of running expertise in evidence among the competitors; some who look like they can barely run, young kids, and also two people who have a bit of space around them: one a young human woman, and the other a young male halfling. They both seem completely focused as they stretch and prepare for the race.

   Gwen approaches the woman, and asks if they're competing. Their voice has a serious, measured tone and a thick accent. They say they have never taken part in this particular event before and walked all the way from up north somewhere specifically to compete. *"I have heard that this is the race to compete in and I am a racer, so I will win the race,"* she says, adding *"This is a great race to win."* Gwen's face falls as it dawns on her how experienced and serious this competitor is. When Gwen tells them that she's not an experienced runner and mostly makes candy, the woman hesitates before offering the following advice, *"Maybe you... maybe you stretch a bit."* Gwen provocatively bends down, pointing her butt at the woman as she walks away. Raphina wonders if they can just ask her for the key if she wins. Gwen looks thoughtful and says she might have an idea about that.

Batthwack sidles up to Will and asks if he can cast *Fly* on some of them, thinking that they haven't seen any rules specifically stating that flying isn't allowed. Will, still lacking the energy to argue, agrees to this but advises against telling anyone, specifically Gwen, who is unlikely to stand for any kind of cheating.

Gwen goes up to the halfling competitor and is greeted enthusiastically. He's hopping around energetically, doing lots of mini stretches. She learns that he's taken part in this race several times before and has even won a few times as well. *"You're in the presence of greatness right now, missy,"* he says. She asks for advice and all he can say is *"Run faster than me!"* He says he runs a lot, including up and down the stairs. Gwen asks if being a halfling and having shorter legs is a hindrance, but he simply says she'll find out when the race starts. Will overhears this and can't resist casting *Mage Hand* to trip up the halfling, sending him sprawling down to the ground. He skids on his hands and seems a little embarrassed, before getting back up and continuing his bouncing around. Will looks on disappointedly.

Eventually, there's a sense that an important moment is approaching. A hush settles over the crowd gathered in the square, and after a moment of absolute silence, the hanging tapestries suddenly fall, tumbling to the ground with a soft whoosh. Circular mirrors are revealed behind them, their reflective surfaces gleaming in the sun. The mirrors flash with bright orange and red sparks and the image of an older halfling woman appears in them. The same figure can be seen standing way up on top of the dam.

The figure steps out onto a platform and the echoing boom of their voice emanates from the dam, saying *"GOOD MORNING! It is I, Arbiter Beartoggle, here to bid you welcome, one and all, to the 23rd annual Grand Staircase Footrace!"* A cheer rings out. *"We are gathered here to celebrate the fleetest a foot among you, giving you all a chance to compete for a special Beartogglian boon! This year the victor shall be given possession, for an entire year, of the key to the city!"* The Arbiter holds a large key over their heads, a key which looks very familiar to the party. The crowd erupts in more cheering and begins chanting *"Beartoggle! Beartoggle! Beartoggle!"* When the cheering has subsided, the voice continues, *"In just a few moments, the race will begin. But, before we get to the fun, I would like to inform everyone here of a tragedy that has befallen one of our Beartogglian neighbours. Morrow's Inlet, a small hamlet up the river suffered a great catastrophe just days ago. A great fire consumed one of their paper factories, famous for producing the magical paper that all of Six Rivers has come to rely on for countless uses. It's one of the gleaming gems of the Beartoggle region and I pray to Zol Berdia that Morrow's Inlet is able to recover and rebuild after such a great loss. Let us all join together in a moment of silence in solidarity."*

   The group are just feeling a little awkward at this when suddenly a distant voice from the crowd yells *"It was the dragon!"* A few heads perk up to look for the source of the voice and Batthwack, in a low voice, repeats the phrase. A few people turn to look. Will *Prestidigitates* another voice saying the same thing a little way off.

After a few moments of silence, the Arbiter continues, *"So, to the festivities at hand. Racers, I'll be waiting at the top for the ceremonial midpoint high-five! Are you ready? On your marks..."* The competitors hunker down. *"Get set!"* Batthwack looks to Will and he prepares to cast his *Fly* spell. *"...STAIRCASE!!"* There's a huge cannon blast and a puff of smoke at the top of the dam, as the crowd surges towards the bottom of the staircase.

## Trivia

* The episode title was Arbiter Beartoggle's call to competitors to begin the Grand Staircase Footrace.
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: scrumptious.

## References

1. ↑ Batthwack, however, has signed a LOT of Will's paperwork. See episode 178: It's a Good Thing Raphina Is a Notary
2. ↑ See episodes 187: We Have a Lot To Discover About Raphina's Digestive System and 190: Apothecary Dictionary
3. ↑ See episode 224: Pork Fried Dice: A Pay-To-Play Game
4. ↑ See episode 260: Batthwack Yells And Then Smashes... \*gasp\*
5. ↑ See episode 257: Majestically Boring
6. ↑ See episode 220: Turtles Are Highly Flammable