Will the Real Steed Please Stand Up?

Will the Real Steed Please Stand Up? is the fifteenth chapter in the Wombles One.

In the village, the Positive Negative man was with the General.  The General asked him “Who are you?”.  “I am John Steed” said the Positive Negative man happily.  “Who do you work for?” asked the General. “Mother” said the Positive Negative man almost crying.  “Who is your partner?” asked the General finally.  “Dr Tara Keel” said the Positive Negative man confused.  “You are ready to replace Steed.  Collect your e quip ment on the way out.”  The General had a rather mechanical voice because he was super computer invented by Yellowstone.  Although now The General was controlled by the evil womble in the golden coat.

Mother had started his new training regime.  He was running through the grounds of HQ with a trolley of brandy whilst dodging bullets from lots of trainee agents.  The agents were camouflaged so Mother had to move quick.  So quick he lost all the excess weight again.  As he lost weight he got quicker so he had time to drink brandy in between shots.  He managed to get past all the trainee agents so got out his straw to finish the last of the brandy.  Another agent suddenly came out of the undergrowth.

This was however no trainee. It was Cathy.  “Cathy?  You were locked up!” he spluttered whilst drinking brandy still.   “WAS locked up!” she spat back.  They were just about to talk business when Dr King and Dr Keel came out of the undergrowth with smelly rags.  Together they forced the rags over Cathy’s mouth and she passed out.  “Good job we were here Mother!” they said.  “By the way you’re looking healthy if a little bit drunk.”

“Thank you” replied Mother in a slurred sort of way.  “I am actually very drunk and that means I have to tell the truth.”  “What is the truth?” asked Dr King.  Venus came out of the undergrowth.  She interrupted singing.

“I was crawling about in the garden like a bug, when I saw Cathy Gale kicking agents like a thug, she had a picture of Mother and look at that with love, I could see her and Mother just fitting like a glove, well then I got worried about a double cross, I realised Cathy really is his boss, so I told all the doctors please go and get them both, Steed might be murdered and hadn’t got a hope!”

Steed came out of the undergrowth.  “Not a hope! I am a highly trained agent!”  He was quite angry so threw Venus out of the grounds.  She was unlucky and fell down an open drain, floated into the sewers, out into the harbour, got stuck to a ship which went to America, thrown into a truck, driven to Yellowstone Park and thrown down a weird hole.

She looked around and saw a poor injured womble in a cage.  He was bleeding and barely conscious.

Dr King and Mother were fighting.  Dr Keel wasn’t joining in because he was too busy drinking the brandy that Mother had left. Luckily it wasn’t very much, so he didn’t get drunk.  He didn’t get drunk either, because then he would have to be turned into a liquid and put in a glass for someone to pour him into their mouth.  When he had finished the last drop, he walked away, leaving Dr King to be knocked out and taken to the Cafeeee.

Mother reached the Cafeeee and asked for C (C was Cathy).  The man at the counter shook his head.  “Not here” he said.  Cathy was back her in cell with the MacWomble playing super loud pipe music deliberately out of tune.  The cell had been locked, reinforced and all the keys were destroyed.  Her feet were set in concrete.  Her arms were in a strait jacket.  To make it worse for her she was also inside a large glass cylinder that magnified every tiny noise by 1000 times.  The swirly screen came back on and Remember you’re a Womble started playing on a loop.

Steed, Miss Peel, Dr King (a bit worse for wear after losing the fight with Mother), Tara and Dr Keel were all singing along to Remember you’re a Womble really badly in silly Scottish accents through microphones.  Their voices came booming out of a massive speaker next to Cathy’s glass cylinder. They could see Cathy was weakening so kept singing louder.  The MacWomble played his pipes louder every time they sang louder.  Cathy was in big trouble.