The Sponsor

"**The Sponsor**" is the fourth episode of *Hoops*.

## Plot

The mighty Lenwood Colts have a new sponsor, and Coach Hopkins is none too pleased. Meanwhile, Shannon, Ron and Kirk set out to catch Coach in a lie.

## Summary

Coach Hopkins tells the team that people call them soft and losers. He says that it stops today, as he's created a technique that will toughen them up and change the way basketball is taught forever. He says they'll practice using bowling balls because if they can make shots with bowling balls, then basketballs should be easy. They try dribbling them, only to shatter the wood on the floor, then shatter the glass above the net when trying to make a shot. Things go disastrously and he tells them to just stop.

Hopkins appears on a stage, telling everyone to make some noise, but it's the high school gym and his only audience member is Principal Opal. She asks just what it is, saying she thought it was a team budget meeting. He tells her he's trying to do it with flair and showmanship and she tells him to get to the point. He tells her they need more money, that their uniforms are terrible, and presents DJ, who is somehow covered in marinara sauce. He tells that right now the team is fat trash in marinara sauce, but he wants to show her what they could be with the right funding. Out comes Matty, looking heavily muscled, trying to pitch that they should have a new, state-of-the-art weight room. She asks how much it would cost and he tells her that it's either two payments of $39,642, or $50,000 if she does it right now. She busts out laughing, then asks if he's stupid, given that the entire sports budget is $3,700. She tells him that the only way he'd get $50,000 is if he had a magic wand. She tells him the meeting is over.

Hopkins walks out with Kirk and Ron, calling $3,700 a slap to the face and saying the the presentation cost him $5,700. Ron tells him that they at least get to go have the soft-serve he promised. Hopkins says he never promised them soft-serve, saying that they can't prove it. Later, Ron, Kirk and Shannon have soft-serve and talk about how Hopkins always gets away with his lies. They discuss some of his past whoppers and decide that they want to try to catch Hopkins in a lie he can't get out of. Meanwhile, Hopkins goes to Principal Opal, talking about how she said that if he found ways to cut the school's budget, she'd give the funds to him. She replies that she never said that, but he tells her he's already found savings. He asks why they're saving math, saying that they learned it and look where they ended up. He suggests they also fire the nurse. She tells him to just stop with the nonsense, saying that she solved his problem by getting the team a sponsor. He asks if it's Nike or Adidas or Immodium-AD and she tells him it's even better: its Barry Hopkins Steakhouse. "How nice of him" comments Hopkins flatly. He tells Opal that if he has to look at the Steakhouse banner every day, the next thing hanging up there will be him. He visits his father, telling him to get out of his business. Barry asks what he's talking about. Hopkins explains and Barry says that it was Opal who came to him, and he said "Why not?" Hopkins tells him that basketball is his thing, something that for once has nothing to do with the great Barry Hopkins. Barry tells him that he knows that, and everyone does. He says he respects his domain. Hopkins tells him that it means a lot to him and he loves him.

Back the school, however, he finds a statue of Barry outside the gym and inside, even more Hopkins Steakhouse banners and a Hopkins Steakhouse logo on the floor. He tries to scratch away a sticker from the floor, with no results. Elsewhere, Ron, Kirk and Shannon visit the home of a woman named Tina, a woman Hopkins claimed to have had sex with, and her son, Gunnar. Kirk comments that the child rather resembles Hopkins, which Shannon replies is rude to say about someone. Ron agrees, but then the son shouts at his mom using several F-bombs and other profanities. "OK, I'm more open to the possibility than I was before" admits Ron. Back at the gym, Hopkins tells the team they have their work cut out for them against tonight's opponent, Tarver High. He says they're probably going to lose by a lot because the team is better than them. He gives them an awful dressing down with shots at their parents, even worse than usual, until finally Matty asks why he's being this way. They hear dance music outside and wonder just what's going on. In the gym, they find a huge crowd and Hopkins asks Opal if she has floor gymnastics going on or something. She tells him they're there for the game and he's shocked that she would book another game, until she tells him they're all there for *his* game. He's annoyed, saying it's going going to feel like they're at an away game, and she points out that they're rooting for him to win. She says sponsorship has its upsides, that his father promoted the hell out of the game.

Hopkins tells the team that the people believe in them. He says that a lot of people are saying that Tarver High is going to win, because they're better than them. Matty points out that it was Hopkins that said all of that, but Hopkins says to screw them because they have fans. He asks if anyone has seen Ron. Ron, Shannon and Kirk are at a restaurant named "Cooters," where Tina takes their order. They ask if she has kids and she replies that she can't say due to policy, but between them, she has a son. She says he has it rough, that the poor kid doesn't even have any relationship with his dad, but this is good, "because his dad is a huge asshole." Ron says that Coach has a kid and they need to tell him ASAP. Back at the game, the Colts are down by 25 at halftime. During a halftime report, Barry Hopkins says that if the Colts win, people get a free steak at his restaurant. This sets Coach Hopkins off, saying he can't believe he bet on them to lose. Barry replies that everyone wins, except for Coach. He's going to lose, probably by 50 at this rate. Hopkins tries to give a pep talk, but is distracted by a talking cardboard cut-out of Barry. He tells them that he can give them a big speech about how if they come back, they can win, but the truth is, he can't say any of it because he can't get past how awful his dad is. He tells them he hates his dad so much, and always has, he can't think. DJ tells him that he doesn't like his dad much either, that he always criticizes his choices. Timebomb and Isaac also share stories of how awful their dads are. Hopkins goes on another rant and then Marcus states that he loves his dad, who's his best friend and president of the Marcus Fan Club. Hopkins tells him to get out, that he's ruining the vibe.

Hopkins tells the team that it ends tonight, to play as if they're not playing Tarver, that they're playing their fathers. He has then take off their jerseys with the steakhouse logo on them and put back on their old jerseys. They go back out and play, each imagining that the members of the other team are their fathers. Amazingly, they land shot after shot, being down by 1 with just ten seconds on the clock. Hopkins tells them they're just one basket away from making his dad buy steaks for the whole town. He asks who hates their dad the most, but rejects Bryan, the player with a broken arm, when he raises his hand. DJ and Isaac are both rejected also, telling Matty to raise his hand, that the play is for him. Matty replies that he doesn't hate his dad because he barely even knows him. He says that before his dad abandoned him, most of his memories were fun. He tells stories of awful treatment by his dad that were somehow fun for him that leave the entire team and the referee slackjawed. Thinking about what he just said, he realizes that he does hate his father a lot. Hopkins tells him he's right where he needs him, telling him to tap into his dad not wanting him. He imagines an opposing player as his father and makes the shot. The announcer comes on, declaring that the Colts have won and everyone gets free steaks at Hopkins Steakhouse. Barry Hopkins finds himself in shock. DJ and Timebomb then douse him hot tea, saying that they panicked and couldn't find the Gatorade. Hopkins feels the burn, but that evening, everyone enjoys their steaks. Hopkins tells Barry he's going to think twice about betting against his son, but Barry replies that it was the logical choice given past history. He says that he's impressed that he won, just not happy about it because they're losing thousands as a family. Hopkins tells him to keep the meat coming. Ron, Kirk and Shannon then introduce Hopkins to his supposed son, Gunnar, who proceeds to insult Hopkins like crazy and Barry as well. Hopkins tells them that they're all idiots, that there's no way the boy is his child. Shannon replies that he's exactly like him, but Hopkins says that he never had sex with Tina. Shannon says he was lying and Hopkins agrees that he was. "I knew it!" shouts Shannon. Gunnar leaves, saying that he knew Hopkins couldn't be his dad, that his mother told him his dad was an astronaut. Ron tells Hopkins that after all these years, they finally caught him in a lie. "You did," agrees Hopkins, as outside, Gunnar tries to poop on Barry's car.

## Cast and characters

Starring:

* Jake Johnson as Coach Ben Hopkins
* Ron Funches as Ron
* Cleo King as Principal Opal Lowry
* Natasha Leggero as Shannon
* A.D. Miles as Matty
* Rob Riggle as Barry Hopkins

Also Starring:

* Steve Berg as DJ
* Eric Edelstein
* Ben Hoffman as Timebomb
* Gil Ozeri as Isaac
* Sam Richardson as Marcus

## Quotes

**Ron**: (*regarding Ben Hopkins*) He has this way of lying where we can never prove it.

**Kirk**: Like, remember that time he said he had sex with Tina Fitzsimmons at Dave and Jill's wedding? (*whispers*) I always thought that was bullshit.

**Shannon**: Oh, I'm *sure* it's a lie. I assumed he made that up because we were on a break and he heard a rumor that I got finger-blasted by that pizza-delivery guy.

**Kirk**: Well, I heard Tina's living in Louisville.

**Shannon**: There you go. This Tina lie is one we might be able to prove. (*rubbing her hands*) Then we can shove it up Ben's ass and shut him up forever!

**Shannon**: "Huge asshole"? That's practically stronger than a DNA test.

**Ron**: Well, looks like Coach has got a kid. We need to tell him ASAP.

## Gallery

Coach Ben Hopkins and Barry HopkinsBen and the teamIsaacKirk, Ron, Shannon, Gunnar, and BenMarcus, Ben, Isaac, Matty, and ScottShannon, Ben, Kirk and Tina Fitzsimmons at Cooters restaurant
## Navigation

* 1.01 The Pilot
* 1.02 My Two Dads
* 1.03 Ethics
* 1.04 **The Sponsor**
* 1.05 Matty Gets a Girlfriend
* 1.06 Zen
* 1.07 The Strike
* 1.08 Death
* 1.09 The Road Game
* 1.10 The Scout

## External links

* The Sponsor on the Internet Movie Database