De Bro-Derhood

## **The Br0-DerHood Of Assassin's**

*The Bro's before Hoes is an ancient organisation spread amongst many religions and cultures amongst the world! - Aya probably since it might be retconned in the next game!*

The BrO-derHood is a global secret society that started out as a bunch of college wankers in the Sims world (Ericverse) with too much free-time on their hands, the students revolted against the collega professor Warren Vidic, AKA, The Professor Guy, when he assigned the Bro's homework for the weekend. VIVA REVELUTION!!!! VIVA REVELUTION!!!! instagating the revolution to happen during the middle of class as they threw the tables over and chairs through the fucking window. The Science Building in Sunset Valley (Abstergo Industries) is actually a secret front of the Global Conspiracy of the Collega Teachers who formed the Templar Order to bring back the Order to the Campus.

## History

Assassin's Creed:

A poor bartender named Desmond gets seduced by Rebecca or whatever the fuck her name is. They fuck, then she kidnaps Desmond because she needs more from him than just his dick apparently. Desmond gets put in the Animus, gets overwhelmed by all the crazy shit in it, gets PTSD school attacks from all of the chemistry formulas the professor put in it because for whatever reason it needed to look cool or something and then experiences everything his great great great great great great great great grandfather experienced. Impressive, but not really considering it's just game. He then goes back in time to kill some bad assholes from that time. Including Francis Drake, because he was especially an asshole of grandiose proportions. But the professor forgot that that creates a time paradox. Then a clusterfuck happens in the time space continuum, then everything solves itself mysteriously. In reality, it was our god Shaun who interfered and put on a show of a magical divine deus ex machina-like intervention, coming to the rescue of everything that has and will ever exist in the multiverse(by pressing the reset button on the animus), but he did not want to introduce himself yet because his voice actor did not get paid enough to work in the first assassin's creed. They couldn't even bother to pay salarias to the subs dude, so he didn't bother to show up for work! Also they went to visit Alamut or something and while practicing his combat skills he beat the shit out of his opponent so hard the great mighty poo got jealous and the animus was completely destabilized and Shaun had to repair it again. Then later the mongols attacked. There was a bit more to it of course, but since it's AC1 nobody cares.

Assassin's Creed II:

The franchise continues. They start off with trying to get Desmond further back in his genetic memory in the animus. When they finally do, the professor realizes something important. They had the wrong guy all along! So Shaun brainwashed Desmond into forgetting everything, then they kicked his ass out of the airlo- i mean building. During the brainwashing they also programmed Desmond into proceeding with an assignment that would get them the actual guy they were looking for. It was none other than Ezio, Desmond's infinitely smarter and cooler cousin! Recruiting Ezio went something like this, it played "Ezio's Family" in the background. Desmond asked Ezio if he wanted to help, his words were specifically "Would you kindly help a scientific genius and his assistants into revealing very secret information that happened over 9000 years ago that is only available to them from your genetic memory, a memory which is deeply written down in your genetics from your ancestors which you can unlock and experience through a 10 billion dollar device named the Animus which the scientific genius stole from the illuminati who for some reason made the device and did not destroy it which endangers their entire existence if falling into the wrong hands, and we are actually the only people they could find who have ancestors who were a member of the illuminati as they did not have many children because they made so much money by doing shady shit like creating the plague virus which killed of most of europe's population, forcing the government to give all property and money from the dead to make them rich for example, only i only have ancestors of illuminati members nobody gives a shit about and you are my much cooler cousin who has ancestors of the important illuminati guys like the founders and bosses, so they kicked my ass out, this is all so that the scientific genius and his assistants can expose and sue the illuminati for their evil deeds for billions of dollars even though they can simply just sell the animus on ebay for like billions of dollars too, so would you kindly help them?". ".....sounds good" says Ezio. Desmond then dropped to the ground and started screaming like he was getting raped by Eric and a belgian piss yellow dog at the same time because he was programmed into telling stuff but brainwashed to forget the same exact stuff, causing a gigantic collision and fight in his body killing Desmond off. But Ezio remains unaffected by what he's seeing because he is a cool dude who doesn't give a shit. This scene is forever remembered by every person who sees it and is seen as Assassin's Creed most legendary moment and the peak of the series. He then went to the professor, the professor was happy to see him but demanded that he must cut his hair immediately as the professor thinks it looks ugly on guys and after that they immediately started performing experiments with the Animus. Ezio said he was looking forward to finally experiencing time travel, causing the Professor, Shaun, Rebecca and everybody else to go on an autistic rant about how it's not time travel and just experiencing memories. Ezio said they were lying since he felt a disturbance in the time space continuum and saw the entire world disappearing for a brief moment caused by Desmond in the first game which was mysteriously fixed quickly. "We don't know how that happened, perhaps because Desmond is a retarded monkey who thought he was actually experiencing what he was seeing and wanted to interact with the world creating a time paradox" Rebecca replied. "So this entire Animus is just re-experiencing memories?" asked Ezio. "Yep, disappointing. isn't it?" said Shaun. It was at this moment that Ezio knew that this game franchise sucks at its core and all the gameplay is just experiencing a memory from some fucking assassin who works for the illuminati by killing important dudes to prevent them from making the world a better place for 99.999% of the population who isn't a member of the illuminati and making them more money. But he has no other purpose in life so he went and helped them anyway. As a reward Rebecca sucked off his dick while he was in the animus, too bad about that last part. If you're in the animus you don't actually feel that you're getting your dick sucked, now that's an disturbing thought! Shaun saw it and was impressed, yes a god who has control of the fucking time space continuum is impressed by the way a girl gave a BJ. While Ezio had to slowly and painfully re-experience thousands of his entire ancestor's lifes in order to finally get to the motherfucker that everybody wants information about, Shaun was naggin Rebecca to do the same to him except he must actually be conscious to experience it, expecting "amazing sex"

Assassin's Creed: Brother hood

Another game that fans of AC often praise. In this game Ezio finds out he has a long lost brother from another planet who came to check if he killed of all organic beings on the planet, revealing that he is a saiyan as well as Ezio himself. Ok nope, that's not actually how it goes. Ezio kept going with his progress to getting further back in his ancestor roots with pauses every now and then to eat food, shit and stuff, until there was an error with the animus nearly killing him and breaking the animus. So what was the matter? It turns out that a very small portion of his genetics is corrupt, preventing him from being able to go back any further. People wondered how that was even possible, and what could have caused it. The professor blamed it on the fact that Ezio was born near chernobyl and the radiation caused a bit of damage to his dna, while Shaun blamed it on Rebecca who gave Ezio a bj that was just too good and while he was in the animus corrupting the link between his genetics and animus and a bit of damage to his genetics in the process. "It was just too much impulse and feelings while being immersed in the animus for there not to be at least a little bit of permanent damage to something" said Shaun. This caused a very intense debate among the professor, Rebecca and the rest of the assistants. The professor knew that his explanation is far more logical and that Shaun was almost certainly full of shit, probably still mad he never got amazing sex from her and now gets back at her by doing this but he went with Shaun's anyway since he was far more valuable than Rebecca and doing the logical approach isn't this franchise's thing anyway. Rebecca got a lot of shit for it, it only became worse later when Ezio didn't feel so well and was diagnosed with herpes which Rebecca had because she is a slut that sleeps around with everyone. Rebecca and Ezio both were cured later that week and as a punishment for her crimes she was put in a small prison cell their building had for some reason where Shaun had official permission to finally get some amazing sex with her whenever he wanted. That day all the girls learned a valuable lesson, always let yourself get fucked by Shaun if he wants to otherwise you'll get this type of bullshit. But they still had a problem with Ezio's corrupt genetics. Shaun came up with an idea, "We need to find out more people alive today which have some illuminati roots" he said. People objected on replacing Ezio, because they were pretty sure he was the last person alive with roots of the illuminati founder. Shaun clarified that he doesn't want to replace Ezio, but that he had an idea of how to get around the obstacle of the past lives that he can't relive that prevent him from being able to go further back. "I have found out while doing a few tests that the part in his genetics that we want from the founder is not corrupted fortunately,that means we have to be able to fill the corrupted segment with some other people's genetic memory that is not corrupt so that Ezio can unlock the past live we are looking for". People applauded Shaun and he got amazing sex from every girl, including Rebecca even who did it with him with consent this time. So they then ran a supercomputer to find out which other descendants of that segment are still alive today that can be used. They were found, their names were Edward Kenway. But he only filled a small portion of the corrupt segment of Ezio's corrupt genetics they needed. People were disappointed of course. Shaun came up with a solution but some ridiculous luck is needed for it to work, he went to the barber where Ezio previously got his hair cut. Shaun was looking for a piece of Ezio's hair, the barber mopped up the floor of course. So Shaun had to look in the trash can for the hair which was full of other people's hair too obviously. He tested each individual piece of hair for hours until he finally finally found one that he could confirm with the device belonged to Ezio. He then tested the genetics with the animus while nobody was looking and found out that his genetics are completely intact and functioning as they should be. "HOLY FUCK LMAO I WAS ACTUALLY RIGHT ABOUT REBECCA CORRUPTING HIS GENETICS WHILE SHE WAS SUCKING HIM OFF, I WAS JUST TALKING BULLSHIT XD" said Shaun to himself. "What's that, Shaun?" asked the professor. "....nothing." replied Shaun. Shaun then went and created a robot which masquerades as a human and inserts Ezio's dna that he got from his hair. Ezio got his haircut before Rebecca raped him in his animus sleep so that was not corrupt yet. Shaun can't believe it worked, "I'm beyond a super genius. I'm impressed by myself, I'm bloody fantastic!" and he became a bit of a narcissist for a moment there. He named the robot Connor and put him in a few databases so that the supercomputer could find him. He ran the supercomputer again and Connor came up as a result to fill the remaining of Ezio's corrupt genetics. Everybody was filled with hope again. As Ezio now has Edward and Connor who need to merge with Ezio's dna somehow in order to undo the damage that Rebecca caused(that awkward moment you were too horny and had sex at the worst possible time, causing damage that need billion dollar devices and super genius minds in order to fix all the mayhem you caused.). Shaun, being the god that he is casually created a device that could do exactly that. But there needs to be a strong connection between people before he could merge them, because otherwise their dna will resist to the merge process. If people don't like each other or are strangers to each other the merging will fail. Shaun thus recommended them to become bro's in order to make this happen. Shaun was a bit nervous about Connor since he did not design him to be social and only designed him to pass off as a human, so he was afraid people would notice something and be suspicious.

But they send Ezio, Edward and Connor off to the most "bro" environment they could think of. College! They made them roommates and gave them an Xbox 360 with Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 with Madden games. They joined the american football college team. Through this portion of the game you have to play as Ezio against Edward and Connor in countless of Call of Duty split screen online multiplayer matches. Many madden gaming, training for actual american football. They called each other bro's every minute or so to the point where they almost forgot each other's names because they always refer to each other as bro. They became the ultimate dudebro's of the school. In the beginning Connor had difficulty becoming a bro, because he was a robot obviously. Shaun snuck in one night and reconfigured his programming a bit so that he becomes a dudebro. Everything went much better from that point on. They even had Rebecca and other prostitutes knock on their room with slutty clothes on in order to test their "bro's before ho's attitude. Every test they threw at them was completed succesfully. They failed all of their school test's, which was a test of itself. "In order to become true dudebro's. They need to only focus on their bro's through going to the gym, playing american football and casual gaming and failling school in the process! It's an essential part to a dudebro relationship!" said Shaun. This was it, time to finally merge them! So they then all went to the building located in Area 51 where the animus and other necessary devices are as well. But Shaun's device did not work exactly as he thought it did and he could not merge Edward's and Connor's DNA without killing them. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS, BRAH. NO, FUCK NO. HELL NAWW" Ezio protested while Edward and Connor were also protesting and saying similar things. "I OBJECT TO DYING. I WANT TO KEEP BEING THEIR BRO'S FOREVER". Shaun had to explain to them that if they don't do this, that there was no point to ANY of this and no point to the professor and his assistant's lives as well. "If you merge as one, your guys brotherhood will be the ultimate bro relationship to ever exist. You will be ingrained in history, all of the history books will show off you guys when explaining what true brotherhood means. You would give your life for each other!" Shaun said. They eventually agreed and finally did it. The device was hooked on to Edward and Connor and the most touching moment of the entire series takes place. Edward and Connor both died screaming. "BROTHER, WE ARE THE ULTIMATE BRO'S. WE ARE ONE FOR ALL AND ALL FOR ONE. LET US UNITE AND BECOME ONE, BRO!" they said as they died and Ezio gained a properly functioning genetic memory. Everybody even including the professor was very touched by the scene. This moment is the second most favored from the entire series among the fans and one of the most legendary too. Shaun shed a few tears, then he became angry that they are essentially doing this all because some old cunt wants more money. Afterwards, Ezio said to them "This better be fucking worth it!". And thus that's how Brotherhood ends. Some fans say that Shaun must feel like Scar' "i'm surrounded by idiots" because nobody noticed that Connor was a robot, but really the robot changed nothing of Shaun's perception of their intelligence. Shaun is so much smarter than the rest that's how he feels about all other organic beings from the galaxy(except for maybe Dogeyes if he would meet him. But so far he has not).

## Philopsofy

In order to reach the status of true brotherhood! One must follow and adhere to the following at all costs!

-***Avoid the uncomfortable urinal confrontations!*** Always have at least one urinal between each other when pissing!

-***BRO'S BEFORE HOES!*** Seriously, the moment a dirty scum-sucking rhodent cuntface ever takes precedence over any fellow bro in any situation. You must hand in your bro card immediately, and then be suspect to criminal charges!!

-***You must greet your bro appropiately!*** Say the word bro, dude(or n1gga if you have a bit of a tan) to each other every fucking time you can! Don't matter if you forget their real names, that's not important in the grand scheme of things! Brotherhood is.

-***Play American Football with each other every other day at least.*** And lift with your bro's! Make sure you help them with the bench press! And nnot just as a lookout, help them lift the bar up! That way he can lift even more! What's that? The couch says that's cheating? BULLSHIT, ANY CONTRIBUTION BY A BRO IS AS VALID AS A GUINNESS WORLD RECORD!

-***Play the real bro games!*** Play Call of Duty, Madden, Fortnite, Fifa every other day. And make sure to partake in the controller smashing when things get rough as well!

-***When a bro’s wife/girlfriend asks you where he is, you have no idea.*** Tell the bitch he went out to get some milk.

-***Unless your friend murdered someone, you bail them out of jail.*** Actually, murder is okay too depending on the circumstances. But if it was a fellow bro, you're instantly cut off from brotherhood. But if they were just accused of raping females then that's okay! Rape is horrible of course, but your bro is **never guilty**! Rape is a fictional construct invented by the media, doesn't happen! Fake news by jealous bitches that want to ruin the brotherhood because they can't stand what bros have together and a female is just physically incapable of forming a friendship without getting all catty and shit. "It is just as well that men do not understand women. Do not try to understand women! Women understand women, and they hate each other!" -Ted Bundy. Imagine being a woman lmao.

-***Bros pitch in for beer when cash is short.*** Alcohol poisoning is vital to brotherhood! Every bro should try to drink as much as Andre the Giant, a temporary financial struggle should not hold them back!

-***Bros do not teach other, ever!*** A bro is always insecure of their sexuality, so you don't wanna look gay ever!

-***A bro must always order enough pizza for all his bros.*** Feel free to kill Peter Parker if his bitch ass gets too late

-***A bro must never cry.*** Until they do, when the situation calls for it.

-***A bro always leaves the toilet seat up for another bro.*** And kick the shit out of a filthy menstruator that put it down!

-***Bros don't need umbrellas.*** Umbrellas are for weaklings, pussies! Confront the rain by becoming wet like a real man! You heard me, Zuko!

-***Bros don’t eat each other’s hair. <-------------------------***

-***Once a bro, always a bro.*** The bro title is one you carry to the very end.....

## Wankers

Known Assosiactes of the Bro's before Hoes club

* Shauny Hastings
* Descum Miles
* Ezio Auditore
* Edward KEEEEEnTsWaY!
* Connor Conway (Emotionless Andoid creature thing)
* Rebecca

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Trivia:

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- Since the writers at Ubisoft don't have a lorekeeper they are forced to go to the Fandom Wikipedia for information, congratulations editor you're a free-employee at Ubisoft!!!!

https://www.eurogamer.es/fun-and-serious-2018-entrevista-con-melissa-maccoubrey