Farts of Fartnation

Farts of Fartnation

With foreward by Jamie Shaheen

Foreward

Throughout my life studying at BITBU, I have been blown away by the incredible feats of bubble-makers everywhere. However, none have passed a legacy quite like Joe Fartnation. I would like you to read his diary, and perhaps you too can truly realise the power that a few bubbles long ago can have upon the world.

Chapter 1: Discovery

There I was, sitting in the public bath. I felt this mystical feeling, one I had never quite felt before. I was going to toot. But I was in the tub! You can't toot in the tub, can you? Well, I did it anyway. To my amazement, clusters of bubbles appeared before my eyes. I had never been so overjoyed to pass gas! People around me stared in confusion and fear. Later that night, I tried it again. Frrrrp! The same thing happened! For the next 3 years, this was my private discovery. Until 3 years later, when I told some of my friends about it, and discovered that they were "bubblemakers" too! We decided to form a group, the Big Bubble Bums, to share our collective interest in toots. Back then, we had big dreams, and bigger butts. At age 18, I had tracked down hundreds of bubblemakers from across the globe, and I decided to create the Institute of bums and bubbles. It would be our workspace for now. A university for all who wished to toot. New bubble-making prodigies were forming before my very eyes. I was so proud.

Chapter 2: The way of the toot.

The way you toot is vital to the bubbles you produce. When gas is released into water, it forms a bubble that rises to the top. The amount and size of bubbles can be changed based on your position. While all positions may look the same to an ametuer bubble-maker, the way you position your cheeks matters more than anything. Clenching them together will only result in a bigger toot, or even worse, an embarrassing bubble stream lasting up to a full minute. One important strategy you must not forget is rapidly opening and closing the bowels to prevent excess gas from escaping. Doing this correctly will result in a rhythmic release of gas, further powering your bubbles. If you wish to truly produce mass bubbles, you must hold them in and let the gas rest. It will begin to rise up, but do not let it escape. Then, when the time is right, release everything you have into the tub.

These ways of tooting have proven useful to me, and I would like whoever stumbles upon my diary to know them as well. But you must be careful not to cross the line from harmless fun to an embarrassing mess. This is the story of how I got banned from every pool in the state.

From a young age, I couldn't stop myself from passing a harmless toot in the pool. All that came from it were a few giggles and a lingering smell. But one day, I took it too far. I had eaten far too many beans that day. I felt that familiar bubbling in my stomach and the kids all chanted "Toot! Toot!" I was excited as well, so I let it rip. "FRRRRRRRAAPPPPPPTTTTTPPPTPT!!!!" The children's innocent smiles turned to shock, as the pool started to turn brown. They panicked and swam away, but it was too late. The smell hit one of the kids, and he passed out. The lifeguard jumped in and could barely get out the kid before he passed out as well. I looked down at my rear in shame, clouded in a thick fog of smelly poop. I slowly stepped out, walked home, and washed my bathing suit for 3 hours straight. Even that was not enough. I vowed to never eat beans again and went downstairs for lunch. It was beans. All I ever ate was beans. I was sick of beans. I was sick of tooting. I sat in my tub, still murky from all the previous farts over the years. I turned the handle and all the water rushed away. I slowly moped to my office and plunked myself on my wooden chair. "BRRRRtt!!!" Suddenly, bathtub exploded. All those farts had created a substance so smelly that it instantly exploded the pipes of my tub. I ran to the bottom of the stairs and looked up at the water rushing from every window in my apartment building, like a rainbow of brown and yellow. I was forever banned from bubblemaking in the pool, and the plumbing bill was enourmous. Later that evening, after a long talk with the rest of BBB, we decided to move in permanently to IBB.

Chapter 3: A new home

I began my new life first by taking my diary into my room. I looked around and was reminded of my beloved bathroom. I knew that this would be the perfect place to live. I gathered with BBB and we decided to study bathtubs and live in the same building, it would be tough, but we would just have to live with the smell.

I started bubble-making today and felt something strange come out of my rear. A very sharp feeling toot had escaped me.

Today in the tub, I tooted a record of 519 bubbles.

This was not an ordinary session. I ate beans and my secret recipe and tooted 5 times. Each one was larger than the next. It blasted me to the ceiling! I warned the students at IBB about the dangerous secret recipe. We vowed to never use it again while combined with beans.

My apartment used to have a green rug. I missed it so much that I drew a picture. I will put it on the floor.

Today I had an accident in the tub again! All of these mishaps, they must mean something! I just need more strength. With all the power in the world, I could be an unstoppable bubble-maker! I summoned all of the strength from my bum, but nothing came out. Maybe it was for the best. I did not eat any beans today.

Dear diary, I have learned to control my bubbles. 2 months into my journey, I have an academy to study in and an entire tub to myself! But, something seems wrong. Oh yes! I have not had an accident in over a minute! That is wonderful news.

Tooted today

I noticed a small log blowing in the wind. That gave me a wonderful idea.

Dear diary, I am hanging from the fire escape. On an unrelated note, the neighbors house looks very nice in brown.

Chapter 4: The desicion

I will call this bubblemaker by their nickname, Glorious Tuckus, for the purpose of privacy.

In the afternoon of a fine sunday, Glorious Tuckus was peacefully tooting up a storm when he said something unbelievable. "Im done with bubblemaking!"

We all stared in shock. How could he give up so soon? What did he know? "Why are you done with bubblemaking? You can never be done learning about bubbles!" I said. "I have learned something horrible recently. I had known it for quite a while, but now I must leave." He walked out the door without saying goodbye to his group of peers, and we decided that we did not need Glorious Tuckus anyway. We banned him immediately from coming back to the IBB forever, and he was never seen in there again. We still let him toot in the pool with us though. I still do not know what he was talking about, but I hope that I do not discover it as well.

Throughout my bubblemaking life, I have never been truly satisfied with just tooting. Today, that all changed. I was relaxing in the pool with my friends Ambidextrious Clyde and Tootius Mcgee. A few others were standing in the back, trying to fix the pool's jets. But we both knew that we did not need those. Tootius passed a small toot, and I let a couple bubbles slip out as well. I got a stern look from the lifeguard, but we just couldnt stop. The lifeguard soon left and we tooted faster and faster until the pool was almost full of bubbles. Suddenly, a horrible smell went into my nose. I jumped back in disgust and knocked into Tuckus, who I didnt know was there. Then, a huge, brown, stinky poo slowly rose to the top of the pool. It was enourmous. How could something that big come out of one's butt? I started asking questions. "Who did this?!" I yelled. No one answered me. They just swam away from the poo silently, got out, and ran away as fast as they could. Tuckus was the only one left. I said "Was it you? It had to be you!" I yelled at him.

"No," he said. "It was all of us."

"How could that be? Noooo!!!" I screamed. It was impossible! How could bubbles form into a poop like that? Was this the secret that he had been keeping? "Just kidding. I just dropped a huge poop in the pool." He snickered dumbly. I slapped him in the face and waited by the door. When he walked through, I tooted with all of my anger and power. To be honest, I had been holding back that day. Now I could use all of my strength to destroy him. When the fart first reached his skin, he was violently thrown to the opposite corner of the room. Blood dripped down the concrete pillar and I ran in horror. From then on, I knew never to use my powers for evil, even if my enemies were involved.

Chapter 5: Early life

Working on the farm, I learned a good deal about sheep. I learned how to shear wool. I learned what they eat. But I also learned how they poop.

I was standing behind a sheep's bum, trying to prepare my shears, when a massive fart ripped out of that sheep's bottom. I stood back in fear, and covered my nose to avoid the smell. I went back near the front to finish at least some of the shearing, but when I turned back around I saw the most horrible, vile, steaming pile of poop I had seen in my entire life. It dripped everywhere, leaving huge chunks of poo on the ground. I screamed and ran, not yet knowing the power that a few farts could hold. I ran for my life and stopped at a small shack, where I hid in my bed for the rest of the day.

Chapter 6: The potion

Today in the kitchen, Tootius was on a break, so I had the full shift to produce all the food for the next 2 days. While I was cooking, I noticed a handful of notable spices and vials. Some of these spices include Bubble Fizz, a white bubbling substance, Brownshroom, a pungent small truffle, and most notably Bath Bombs, a drug I had never dreamed of using before. But that day, something strange must have been in the air because I had quite the gas buildup. I decided to mix just a pinch of bath bombs with a tiny drop of Bubble Fizz. Before I knew it, my bubbles were floating like soap bubbles! The fizz mixed with the soapy chemicals in bath bombs must have made this reaction in my rear! The bubbles would only start floating as they reached the end of my butt, luckily for me I was not filled with bubbles. I have never tried it again, but whenever I see those strange jars I get a funny feeling in my behind.

Today, I saw a huge bird poop from the sky. That gave me a wonderful idea.

Dear diary, I have fallen off a post.

Chapter 7: My first competition.

Today, ambidextrous asked me to compete against him in a bubblemaking competition. I said yes and we got in the huge tub. Tootius was the judge and farted to signal the beginning. I tooted as hard as I could but soon after I felt a sharp pain in my bottom. I tooted some more, moving my cheecks for maximum bubblemaking. I was winning! Ambidextrous was barely tooting compared to me. For the grand finale, I used all of my strength and blew myself out of the tub. Ambidextrous looked in shock as I almost hit the ground. In a moment of pure panic, I did the only thing I could do best, I tooted.

FFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPTTTTTTTTTTPTPTPTPPTTPTTTTPTTTptptptttppppptttttttttpt.

The pool shattered and blew my out of the air. I flew 20 feet before hitting the roof and splashing back in. That was so crazy! I would never do anything like that again.

The next day, I heard of a new building in the IBB. A diner was placed there so that everyone could eat food before their butt races. We also placed a Train Your Machines station, which had been being offered to us for a long time now. The IBB was turning into something amazing. After going to the diner, everyone always wanted to go and train their own machines at the "butt gym". I was always there, tooting the day away. Fans would come to see me toot, but could never step behind the safety fence.

Chapter 8: The emergency

I was in a meeting one day at my part-time job when I felt a strange urge to go sit in a tub. However, I had no desire to toot. I wondered why this was and decided to take a break from the meeting, but my boss said no. I sat back down but soon felt the urge to go again. I swiftly got up again and said I had to go. When he said no again, I told him it was an emergency and rushed out the door. I ran to the tub as fast as I could, but the movement opened up my bowels and they released gas, increasing my speed tremendously. When I finally made it to the bathroom, the door was locked. I used my farts to explode the door and burst my way in. I ran to the nearest toilet and...

FRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPLLLLPLATPATLTPLTPTLALTPTLTPTLFLPFPLFLPFLPFLPFLPFLPFFLPPLBBLBLBLBBLBLBLBLMMMMMMMMMPLATPLATPLATSLRRRRRTTTPSPRAAAAATTTAT PPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTPPP!!!!

lets just say I stuck with bubblemaking as my job after that.

With all of these stories, I am starting to look like Poodala himself. now, I will teach you something else.

Chapter 9: The prank

Indeed, that was not the only time messed with forbidden ingredients in the kitchen. In the days of living in the IBB, it was almost like I had roomates. So, I decided to have some fun. I was sneaking around the kitchen while ambidextrous was on kitchen duty, trying to get my hands on a fun ingredient to "spice" up my day, if you know what I mean. Yes, I was a drug addict. I found the perfect bottle of brownshroom and decided to play a prank. He was making pizza, and we were all familiar with the white mushroom. So, what I did was I plopped some brownshroom in with the white mushroom pieces and hoped that such a small amount in such a huge bowl would make it on the pizza. Then, I continued walking to the alley when I saw TOOTIUS hiding something in a jar behind his back! I asked "what are you doing!?" and he said "nothing!" hiding the jar even more. I looked at what was in there and saw a glimpse of something. It was a ball of yellow. Not just any ball. It was an AIEEE. I was so confused. "How did you get this?!" I screamed. "You must be a criminal!" "No!" He yelled back at me. "This was my grandfathers! He told me to prepare it as his last wish! And do you want to know HOW HE DIED?" He was fuming and angry, so I decided to not bother and run away. I ran to ambidextrous, but he was not there. He was packing up a box that said "pizza" on it. I gulped and ran to the brownshroom bottle. It read, "Under any circumstances, do not injest in any way aside from smoking." I panicked and ran to the box to try and stop it, but he said "woah there, this isnt for us. Its going to the nursing home." "WHAT? NOOOOOO!!!!!" I screamed into the air. He ignored me and said "wow, you must really like pizza huh!" I had to get to the nursing home to stop them from being delivered! So I ran to the rear wing of the building, and took the elevator to the bottom floor, and then to the ground floor, and went outside. I looked around for my bike, but all I could see was ambidextrous clyde cycling away with 6 pizza boxes the bike's delivery basket. "NOOO!" I fell on the ground and went back inside shortly after. I looked at all of the elevator rooms until I got the perfect idea. I went to the bottom floor! I took a robotic tooting machine and filled it with gas. I turned it on to the maximum speed and the butt flew out of the room! I chased after ambidextrous on the bike and eventually made it to the nursing home. I had to remove the brownshroom without anyone noticing or tasting the difference! But it was too late. he was already at the door. I landed in front of the door and he said "no! I will not give you this pizza! Just let me give it to tootius's grandfather before he dies ok?" "Tootius told me he was already dead!" I told him about the brownshroom prank and the warning, but he sounded confused. He told me that brownshroom was completely safe, and that I was looking at the label for buttcrackers. He told me he had an empty bottle of them after he used them to make his buttcrack shoot explosive farts. I finally understood and I heard tootius's grandfather laugh with him in the other room. I was so sad that I had made a fool of myself for not even reading the correct label. I never should ha-PPPPPPPPPPPPPPLBBLLBBLBLLBBTTBTBTBTTBBTBTBTT PHOOOOOOOOSH!!!!!!! "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" His grandfather was dead. when we both made it home after talking about what a wonderful life tootius's grandfather had, we walked in the kitchen and saw the walls and roof splattered with a jelly of brown and yellow. "OH! I JUST COULDNT WAIT ANY LONGER! IM SORRY!" Tootius cried, with pee and poop surrounding his mouth. I decided not to tell him about his living grandfather because I did kill him with the toots.

Chapter 10: Marniniara

The most wonderful thing happened today! Ambidextrous took me to his home and I met his sister, marniara! she was just lovely. We fell in love almost instantly. We have big dreams now, and I think I am going to ask her to be my girlfriend! I can only wait to see how it goes...

She said yes! I am so happy. We were talking about bubblemaking and she told me about her old home. It sounded so lovely.

It was rainy today and I saw some muddy water going down a storm drain.

That gave me a wonderful idea.

Dear diary, I am stuck in the storm drain with no pants on.

Ambidextrous told me about his other sister and I was very careful to "relieve" myself far away from marinarnia.

King Poodala sent me a letter today addressing a flying poop. I have no idea what that could be about!