The First Crime Scene

"The First Crime Scene" is the fourth track of Kevin & Abi and the Secret of the Golden Pendant

The line "And on the day we come it's over" is a reference to the police motif used throughout multiple albums, including all three Secret Series albums

## Performers

Oliver Marsh as "Kevin" and "Elliot Marsh"

Kiera-Marie Somers as "Abi"

Lauren Osborn as "Sorandra Osborn"

Hayley Warner as "Temna Warner"

Kerttu Aarnipuu as "Ryvyr D Goblin"

## Lyrics

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

Ok everyone, stay where you are, we're here to-

[ABI:] *(spoken)*

Wait, please can I?

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

Can you what?

[ABI:] *(spoken)*

Do the entrance, I've always wanted to do this.

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

Ok, sure.

[ABI:]

And on the day we come it's over!

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

WOAH! Nonononono! You cant say that! We’re not the cops. That's their thing!

[ABI:] *(spoken)*

Aww, but it feels so good...

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

Nononononono. Ok, look everyone, we’re licensed detectives. Everybody remain calm and let us do our job here. Can someone tell me what's going on?

[ARISTOCRAT PARTY CHORUS:]

There's murder at the grand ball

There's blood upon the dance hall

Assassins at the pageant

Doing deeds you cant imagine

There's crime inside the dance floor

An ending never asked for

There's a killer here among us

And they hunt tonight upon us

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

Ok, thank you for answering my questions, I’d like to see you three over here. You are Sorandra Osborn...

[SORANDRA:] *(spoken)*

That is Lady Sorandra Osborn to you.

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

Whatever, and you are Temna Warner?

[TEMNA:] *(spoken)*

Temna is fine because I'm not a stuck up cow.

[SORANDRA:] *(spoken)*

Who are you calling a stuck up cow?

[TEMNA:] *(spoken)*

Mooooooooo

[SORANDRA] *(spoken)*

You low-class tartwobble!

[ABI:] *(spoken)*

Bitches, please.

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

Thanks, and you sir are Elliot?

[ELLIOT:] *(spoken)*

Elliot Marsh, I'm Sogandra's boyfriend. I was...

[TEMNA:] *(spoken)*

That's what she thinks.

[SORANDRA:] *(spoken)*

I'm sorry, is this slut speaking hour?

[TEMNA:] *(spoken)*

Mooooooooo

[ABI:] *(spoken)*

Cut the crap out! Or I'll turn you both into butt pollops. Go ahead Kev.

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

Ugh, this is going to be one of these. Ok Sorandra, you first. Tell me what happened.

[SORANDRA:]

Look around, all the pageantry you see

was funded by my family, was paid for by me

I’m generous and kind, this event was organized

to celebrate the launch of a new monorail line

Elliot can prove I'm not stuck up for you see

he’s my big blue collar boy toy and he’s here to serve drinks

Despite our family history, despite that she’s a tart

I let Temna come through the goodness of my heart

But Kyla’s who’s my cook well I'm afraid has dropped dead

Poison they are saying, someone murdered my chef

And Eliot is innocent but he was the last

to serve the drink that Kyla drank, that poisoned glass

Poor Kyla has a daughter and no husband and so

Her daughter named Rebecca is now sadly all alone

Although I’ve caught Kyla looking at my pendant like

She was thinking she could steal it but she cant because its mine.

[ARISTOCRAT PARTY CHORUS:]

There's murder at the grand ball

There's blood upon the dance hall

Assassins at the pageant

Doing deeds you cant imagine

There's crime inside the dance floor

An ending never asked for

There's a killer here among us

And they hunt tonight upon us

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

Ok, thank you Sorandra, That was very helpful.

[ABI:] *(spoken)*

Jinkies!

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

Wha- Did you just say Jinkies???

[ABI:] *(spoken)*

Yeah! I'm thinking it could be my new catchphrase. Jinkies!

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

No! That should very not be your catchphrase!

[ABI:] *(spoken)*

I could just say it anyway...

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

so the guy says "Doc, one day I feel like a wigwam, and the next-"

[ABI:] *(spoken)*

Ok! Ok! nononono, I give. Whose next?

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

Temna, please tell us what's happening here

[TEMNA:]

Sorandra likes to brag that she’s good with all the boys

But the fat cow doesn't know that I seduced her boy toy

Elliot he visits me on Thursdays its true

Its payback for in high school when she stole my boy, Drew

Our families been fighting for generations now

And she really threw this party just to gloat and strut about

This Pendant of Kultainen that her mother stole from mine

It's a relic made by goblins that we had a long time

Poor Elliot is innocent I'd swear it on my life

But he held the glass last before Kyla died

If you look there's something red right there upon his shirt

Is that blood? I never thought Sorandra’s parties could get worse

[ARISTOCRAT PARTY CHORUS:]

There's murder at the grand ball

There's blood upon the dance hall

Assassins at the pageant

Doing deeds you cant imagine

There's crime inside the dance floor

An ending never asked for

There's a killer here among us

And they hunt tonight upon us

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

Thank you Temna, Sorandra we're going to have to see this "Pendant of Kultainen?"

[ABI:] *(spoken)*

That sounds goblin-ish.

[RYVYR:] *(spoken)*

They shouldn't have that.

[SORANDRA:] *(spoken)*

You better hope the slut doesn't steal it!

[TEMNA:] *(spoken)*

Oh you're one to talk about stealing!

[SORANDRA:] *(spoken)*

Your slut of a mother started it!

[TEMNA:] *(spoken)*

Your herpes infested grandmother!-

[KEVIN:] *(spoken)*

Cut it out! Be quiet while I speak to... Elliot?

[ELLIOT:]

I sell insurance, pleased to meet you, Elliot’s my name

If you need expanded coverage I can get the best rates

Yes I date Sorandra, she’s been good to me i think

And Temna did seduce me, just around I think last spring

Sorandra offered money to serve drinks at her affair

The insurance game is tough so I take odd jobs here and there

Sorandra gave to me a drink to give to Temna see

But this red stain is tomato sauce, some fool bumped into me

I set it in the kitchen and then went to wash it off

and then Kyla went and drank it while stirring up a sauce

It goes to show you never know if this is your last day

so be sure that your insurance is paid up and up to date