Funky Monkey

**My Tab Key is Broken and Whether**

or Not This Film is Good is Inconsistent

Never at one point
in my fucking meaningless, miserable, lonely, worthless, existence did I, in my
wildest imagination, believe that I’d end up here, arguing that *Funky Monkey*, one of the greatest films
in existence, is a honest to goodness Chrimbus film. Along with this I need to
get four fucking pages, FOUR PAGES worth of bullshit, I could be doing so many
more productive things but no fuck that, fuck adopting poor underprivileged
minority babies, fuck feeding the homeless, fuck volunteering at a veterans
shelter, and most of all “fuck donating money to cancer, I hate people with
cancer they can suck my dangling, screw relay for life” (Morphy 69). But
instead I guess I’m stuck alone in my room with my pants around my ankles
instead of totally doing all those things I could totally be really actually
doing. So “Anyways” (Salinger I don’t know fucking all of it) *Funky Monkey,* what is it? Is it a weird
furry porn game? Yes. Is it animal rights propaganda? Yes. Is it an Animorph?
YES. Is it a musical? I THINK SO. Have I ever watched it? FUCK NO I WOULDN’T
WISH ANOTHER GOD AWFUL AIR BUD RIPOFF ON MY WORST ENEMY. Should we watch it at
Jesus-Fuck Junction? FUCK YES. Is it a chrimbus movie? Probably not. Is it not *Boyhood*? FUCK YES! Is it a thing you can
shove your three kids in front of for an hour and a half while the man delivers
mom his package? YOU BET! Will I prove these outlandish claims? PROBOABLY
FUCKING NOT BUT ILL BE DAMNED IF IM NOT GOING TO TRY. Alright Oathbreaker,
Shan, if you’ve gotten this far without saying “man fuck this” (ChuckleFuck
Junction Cast 2015) just remember a few things as you continue. I can and will
do much, much, MUCH, worse if you reject this one, I’ve got a lot of pent up
rage and sexual frustration and I’m not afraid to take it out on you doo-doo
heads via my movie choice. Alright now with that in mind let me, let you, let
your eyes see, and your brain process these words I’m about to type in the next
sentence. My opinion is going to be biased when I say that *Funky Monkey* is an excellent film and we should watch it at
Jesus-Fuck junction, in my eyes it is only below *12 years a boy* and *Agitated*
Andy: Outrage Avenue *on my top movie films of the last 148 and a half-moons,*
so remember that and remember Remember Me while you’re at it.

Alright so now that I shoved enough
shit on that first page to clog the great Shit-Hole of Emperor *Ukudi’ryth’Itgotr’Astogtot’Tumbus*, but
that’s a story for another time. Now, I’m no fancy, pansy, big city writer,
with their Dreamcast LAN parties, and unusual knowledge and appreciation for
the works of Uwe Boll. But I do know a thing or two about Chrimbus movies and I
do that *Funky Monkey* better than all
of them, nay *Fukny Monkey* is better
than Jesus of Nazareth himself. Why? I hear you asking and I ask myself how you
got the fucking duct tape off? What did Jesus even do? For real, I mean real
like he got a bunch of Jews out of the desert and into like Europe or some shit
and then like a few years later they all died in the concentration camps so
like there’s one point for *Fuck my Monkey*.
Did the bibble ever even give credit to like the real authors or all the dudes
and dudettes that helped Jesus get crucified like what the name of the Roman Soldier
#1 like extras have unions and shit they’re scary best give them their fucking
credit for botching their walk across the back of the shot. But like there was
no special thanks given fucking Jesus got all the fucking credit, now that is
not the case for *Yknuf Yeknom* no,
they give credit where credit is due and boy oh boy is there credit due I mean
when you are making a masterpiece like this film every puzzle piece of the
puzzle needs to fit in its exact puzzle piece place or the picture being
produced probably procreates profuse profanity over the probability of its inevitable
shitiness. Now that’s not the case for *Funk*
Monk *no, all 226 souls sacrificed during the making of this film (God rest their*
souls) were given the credit they deserve point two for me. I’m just going to jam
this next part in there two reviews of each of these fine products to further
my point that *Fu Mo Nknk Yey* is
better than Jesus. Alright here’s a review of my favorite film composed by the
genius film critic MakeHam98 “10 stars Run, don't walk to your nearest video
store and get this film! We were fortunate to get it on our MVP membership at
Hollywood Video so it was free! It's worth twice that much! The title character
is a genetically enhanced super-chimp that is not only very intelligent, but
possesses keen Ninja skills as well. Not only that, but he is apparently able
to change his height from shot to shot in this awesome movie! Sometimes he's
your basic 3 foot tall primate, and other times it looks like he's a human
sized ninja fighting side to side with partner Matthew Modine! Wow! This ape is
super-talented! Add to this stellar performances from both Taylor Negron and
Gilbert Gottfried - what can you say - box office magic! 10 stars! Brain cells
- use them or lose them!” (Makeham98 1) alright now Stan before you get your buttplug
in a twist I will make up the space from that quote later on. Alright now that’s
a pretty good review and I believe that all of it is true. It really is most of
the actor’s career highpoint, comparable only to the *GadFadder*, the great film in which Josh Gad shrieks the entire
script of the *Godfather* inin an empty room, directed by Stan and
Gayler, release: Early 2018. Now the Bibble review by amazon user Voss, I believe
it is a company that makes overpriced water like an asshole. “1 star ‘less than
impressive fiction’: The
first half of this novel includes a lot of gratuitous sex and violence, which
is not necessarily a bad thing. But it then seems to degenerate into endless
racism and sexism. The second half, while slightly more coherent, is plodding.”
Now I think that says it all, this film is better than Jesus and therefore transcends
Genre and gender it is above everything before and therefore is a chrimbus film.
But I know you sloppy pigs are the same fagwads that complain when your
favorite anime waifu in your favorite anime workout video has a pixel clip on
here short pants and it really kills your boner, so I’ll give you more evidence
even though it is pretty much unnecessary.

How many careers has Jesus ended?
None. How many careers has Clemons (the monkey in this moving picture) ruined? Arguable
the career of everyone who has come into contact with this film has been
tainted but that’s immessurable due its immense tininess and insignificance,
kind of like my penis. But there is one career that is inarguably finished and
that is the wonderful and successful career of one Rick Ducommon who tragically
passed earlier this year, will he be on the Oscar reel of dead rich people? No and
that is a crime against cinema almost as much as the birth of Ricardo
Linkleladder (now for the one person who doesn’t know who that is \*cough\*
Rober\*cough\* he made *12 years a boy* and
*21 years before Ethan Hawke*). Now
Ricky, he was a fine actor many remember for his role in I *Die Hard* as Walt or his portrayal of Larry in *Amazing Stories,* but I remember him for his role as Father Rick in
this film. Now Father Rick is such a well written, terrifically acted character
that it was possible for Ricky to retire after this film was released, because that’s
what happened, despite what the haters say. The haters keep hating on Ricky
saying this film ended his career because he was never in another film, NO, that’s
fucking wrong quit hating. Where was I going with this? Anyway let’s talk
money, and I mean MON-AY, I’m talking those commas in yo bank account nigga.
Nigga get that 401k and don’t forget that Freeza saga be too damn long nigga. I’m…
so sorry the disease is spreading I… can’t control it. But the budget, what was
the budget for the bible? I don’t know like 9 beads or some shit they didn’t have
USD back then I don’t… get off my fucking back alright. *Krunky Dumpty*’s cost more and we all know if something is more
expensive it’s more gooder like the new Star Wars Battlefront. So anyway the
budget for this fast-paced, action-stuffed, monkey knife fight, is a little
more than the Bible so therefore it is a little betterer. How much betterer? Only
30 million so not very much. This movie just went all out on every aspect getting
the biggest stars to wr on it, getting the hippest primate to star as Clemons.
Even the cover just bleeds money you had to pay at least, AT LEAST five twelve
year olds with GIMP to do this masterful cover art, and the tagline, oh my, don’t
get me started, He’s One High Tech Super Chimp. S. Fott Citzferald got nothing
on this boiiiiii. Now by this point I imagine Stan is scoffing and asking “ECH,
ECCCCHHHH, WH…WHERES THE ARCHYTYPES… THIS…THIS MEME IS SO STALE UCH PPPPFFFPTPTPPPFTPFPFTPF
H…HE DOESN’T EVEN TALK ABOUT THE STORYYYYYY” Stan then closes his semen stained
laptop, gets up from his semen stained chair as his semen stained pants crinkle
like a semen stained bag of chips, and he walks over the semen stained floor to
the semen stained corner of his semen stained basement where his semen stained Ariana
Grande shrine resides he then gets down on his semen stained knees as he
apologizes for his semen stained trespasses and sacrifices another semen
stained body pillow to his one true waifu, he then lights a semen stained
candle as a final offering as he heads back to his semen stained bed and rests
his semen stained head for the night. That’s you Stan, that’s what you sound
like, that’s what you do, fuck you. Now Stan let me explain this in a way your
semen stained ears can understand I know it’s hard for you to hear with the caked
in semen that’s built up from all the moons. *Clemons the super high tech monkey* has a deceivingly simple plot
and I don’t want to ruin anything for you guys, you really need to just EXPERIENCE
this film like I did, no spoilers, no prior knowledge of the plot, and just let
it all seep into your being. I mean this film is so artful there were actually
vigorous reshoots because they thought this film was too intelligent and ahead
of its time for the common filth dwelling masses in America. This film was
originally titled *Hairy Tale* and was
shot entirely in France and had no dialogue, it was described by the few
critics who saw it as “… an entrancingly bizarre suburban horror-adventure, I don’t
know who I am anymore”. But tragically when the studio producing this film saw
an early cut of it they didn’t get it just like my dad and they were forced to
move to America and reshoot almost all of the film making the action, comedy,
adventure, family film we all know and love today. A lot of people actually
misgenre this film a lot it is not a horror film you’re just fucking dumb #yesallfunkymonkeys.
So this films oppressed too if you don’t pick it I will tell SJW’s on you. Not
only is this film oppressed but so is one of the actors, Jeffery Tambor, best
known from the hit television show *Transparent*
yakow the one about the transgender grandpa, what a hit. So really if you say
no fuck you. There are countless themes and archetypes in this film that relate
to Christmas but I’ll let you guys discover those for yourself and that’s really
what this film is about, discovery, it allows the viewer to discover their body
while Clemons discovers he is a football playing secret agent monkey. I’ve said
too much already, oh boy are you guys in for a treat if you pick me for most
handsy boy. I guess I can let you guys know a little bit about this film, I’ll
give you just the tip mmmm yeah you like that, oh you want more, guess youre
going to have to consent first boys, but really when has that ever stopped Stan?
Because he’s a rapist, Get it?

Alright so all I am legally allowed
to diverge about this film is what it says on the back of its sleek, modern
packaging. “Alright here goes” (Me every time I have sex), Young Michael Dean
just met the coolest new friend. Clemons is funny, smart and a head-knocking,
body-flipping, kung-fu expert. By the way, he’s also a chimpanzee”. Now please,
if you would, shove all the cum that just erupted from one of your holes back
into whatever hole it came from because I’m not fucking done yet.

As if the rest of that shit wasn’t enough
I still got some left in me, either that or I’m gassy. SO, did you notice how
none of these fine points I have made lead nowhere and I haven’t proven a
single thing and how my argument is very loose and also how this paper is bad
and not funny funny haha. Well that’s because I suck and life is meaningless. Moving
on, you know who else made this film? THAT”S RIGHT, the man, the myth, the
legend, the certified FUCKFREAK himself Xin Xin Xiong, he’s some
blueberry-stealing Asian and he makes good kung-fu punches and kicks. He coordinated
the stunts for this masterpiece. He also coordinated stuffing the fucking
monkey into all his wacky costumes. The other notable man behind the scenes is
none other than our favorite pedophile (no not Stan), yes you guessed it loser,
THAT”S RIGHT, the man, the myth, the legend, the the certified FUCKFREAK
himself Michael Goi-San, he’s some blueberry-stealing Asian and he makes good
teenage girls talking about blowjobs films. He did all the cinematography for this
film. He also coordinated all the child actors into the back of the set during
filming. Now I know we all love a good cinematography and who else to give this
to us than the former American Society of Cinematographers PRESIDENT, that’s right
fuckwads we got royalty up in this bitch #yesallmichaelgois. I have been moving
slowly away from how the fuck this thing relates to chrimbus but I don’t fucking
care anymore, its late, I just ate a whole pound of chocolate covered almonds
and my soul hurts, but I really want to watch this excellent film and I hope
you fukcers do too so ill bring it all back around town to the focus of this
madness. The last notable person responsible for this piece of art that truly deserves
more recognition than it got. THAT’s RIGHT, the man, the myth, the legend, the
the certified FUCKFREAK himself Bodhi Elfman, he’s some fucking guy who is in
this movie I don’t remember his character but his name is fucking BODHI ELFMAN
and  I actually know the latin roots of
his name so ill enlighten you with that now. Bodhi: from the Latin root Point
Break, why yes I could use it in a sentence “BODHI DON’T/GET DOWN?” (The agent that’s
been undercover two weeks and needs to pick what side he’s really on, Point
Break trailer 2 in theaters December 25, 2015) alright so that’s where that’s
from. Elfman: from the Latin root elf, yakow like in fucking Christmas yeah, that’s
what I thought, I brought it all around, fuck you ill connect my fist to your
face, but by fist I mean my lips and by face I mean your lips, and I’m going to
connect them softly.

Alright so I’ve just been told I need
REAL connections to Christmas well shit I though because Clemens is better than
the son of GOD, which I’ve established I didn’t need any of that poor people
shit. Well anyway I don’t know what an archetype is and also I can’t read so I’m
going to do my best. Hero: uhh unusual birth right well Clemens had an unusual
birth, I mean he IS a monkey and who knows how the fuck those things get born, I
sure don’t, also his Mama and Papa are gone because he gets kidnapped by Z.I.T,
dammit I’m saying too much again. Well that like his quest and his trial like
he gets kidnapped and has to overcome adversity with his MENTOR which is
another archetype, Michael, he teaches Clemens how to do football and be secret
agent. Then they like infiltrate the BAD GUYSSSSSSSSS. So there like archetypes
like Jesus had also like yaknow how Jesus had 3 wise men who brought a little
baby boy Gold, Frankensteins and Bill Burr, well this movie has 3 wise men too
they are, Michael Goi-San, Xin Xin Xiong and Bodhi Elfman. But instead of the 3
wise men they’re the 3 certified, genuine, grade-A FUCKFREAKS. And they bring
good cinematography, super sick stunts, and loose connections to a fake holiday,
respectively. No but for realizes like all the archetypes are there because this
script and screenplay are FUCKING TITE and are perfect but I can’t get into
detail because I’ll ruin it I’ll update this with all the real shit after we
watch, which we’re totally going to do, Yeah that’s right. I have one more
connection that is like truly next level shit son like I’m going to say it and
its going to be like crazy as M. Night Shamalomadingdong shit, like “this stuff,
this stuff right here, this is the good stuff, this is the right stuff, this is
the dust off stuff, this is all you should use to clean your gaming PC” (How to
clean your gaming gear) ok but really now here’s the bombshell the last nail in
my little cousin’s baby coffin, well the last nail there was that he didn’t get
vaccinated, but anyway alright you fuckers ready to get laid flat? I’m sure by
now that you’ve seen my excessive use of fucking question marks, well let me be
the first to tell you. No that’s not because I’m a giant faggot, no that’s
because ALL YOU  FUCKERS JUST GOT PRANKED
OHHHHH SHIT I GOT YOU ALL SOOOOO FUCKING GOOD YOU DIDN”T EVEN FUCKING KNOW YOU’RE
ALL SO FUCKING DUMB OMG LMAO, IM TOTALLY LMAO’ING RIGHT NOW XDDDD I JUST LMAOED
SO HARD MY LAPTOP FELL OUT OF MY GREASY CHEETO FINGERS AND OFF OF MY SEMEN
STAINED BED AND NOW MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS BROKEN. COUNT THE FUCKING QUESTION
MARKS YOU FUCKING LOSERS I HOPE YOU CAN FUCKING COUNT THAT HIGH AFTER JUST
BEING PRANKED SO FUCKING HARD OMG YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS DIDN’T EVEN KNOW, LIKE YOU
WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN THE GOOD END BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T FIND ALL THE BOBBLE HEADS,
OH MY GOD HOW FUCKING DUMB CAN YOU BE OH MY GOD. THERES 25 QUESTION MARKS YOU
GOOBERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 25 YEAH THAT’S RIGHT YOU
KNOW WHAT ELSE HAS 25. FUCKING CHRIMBUS IS THE 25TH DAY OF DECEMBER
YOU ALL JUST GOT SOOOOOOOO FUCKING PRANKED.

But in all honesty it is just a
prank bro, all of it. The essay, this pay-per view, our whole existence as a
whole. I mean what are we here for, what are we meant to do besides die? It happened
to the dinobots and all the little fucking trilobite niggas before them. That
is what we are waiting for, the next big extinction, I mean we are already
working at an alarming rate to get there with all the animals we are hunting to
extinction and all the CO2 being emitted by our horribly flawed transportation
and our wives’ hair spray. So keep this in mind as you say to my paper, life is
short, we are going to die, we are all worthless and should probably kill ourselves,
so what do you have to lose in picking my favorite film. I just want to put a
little joy into this shit hole and I believe this film is the way to do it. Merry
Chrimbus you filthy animals.

~~~~Fin~~~~

Knowledge is free

We are anonymous

We are legion

We do not forgive

We do not forget

Expect us