Gwonam

**Gwonam** is a 92-year-old man who lives in a house.

## Biography

Gwonam was born in Bangladesh in March 1922 while his parents were on vacation there. Gwonam grew up in Hammond City on the island of Koridai, then an independent nation, and barely knew most of his many other siblings, including Namowg.

In the 1940s, Gwonam married Squall Ah-Lah, with whom he had a son, and became a radio actor, appearing on *Harkinian Talk*. After radio faded in popularity, Gwonam tried to transition to a career in television. He did not have much success, so he attended the Squadallah College of Wizardry, where he mastered the use of flying carpets. He then had an idea to sell them and founded Carpets R' Yours, but had to close the store in 1985 when Morshu withdrew his funding. Gwonam then married Impa and got a job as King Harkinian's scribe.

Gwonam ended up losing all of his rupees, so he became homeless, and he even had to trade his turban for food. In 1993, Ganon took over Gwonam's homeland, so Gwonam flew to Hyrule Castle to warn King Harkinian and ended up helping Link defeat Ganon. In 2005, Impa divorced Gwonam and kicked him out of her house when he tried to set up an aviary inside without her permission, so Gwonam had to find a way to make money, unable to live on the meager salary he received from The King alone.

Gwonam eventually decided he could get rich by selling burgers and opened Squadallah Burger on the side of a road. However, he failed to attract a single customer for four whole years, even though he had help from Link, and he ultimately had to close the place to avoid bankruptcy. This made Gwonam depressed, and he attempted suicide by crashing his flying carpet. Unfortunately, he ended up crashing into his twin brother, who died instead. At first, this made Gwonam's depression even worse, but then he got angry and started blaming his problems on the King. He then tried to get revenge by extorting The King, but Ganon intervened and ruined his face.

Over the next few years, Gwonam went back to normal and even started learning some new magic techniques, but then he started to go senile. On December 7, 2012, he suddenly had an inexplicable urge to watch some crappy animated movie called *Dino Time*. However, when The King informed him that there were no copies of the movie in circulation, Gwonam decided there was no reason to go on living and threw himself off a balcony. Instead of dying, though, he went into a coma and woke up in Hyrule General Hospital a month later.

Having "dreamed" about *Dino Time*, he soon convinced Link to kill him again, and he could finally rest in peace... that is, if Link hadn't missed all of his vital internal organs when he stabbed him. A few weeks later, he was returned to his original body by some robot-alien things. By then *Dino Time* was available in the real world, and Gwonam was at last able to watch it in full, only to realize that it was terrible. With that resolved, he returned to serving the King.

On October 8, 2013, Gwonam is back alive, this time, he has to work at the Hyrule Castle as a helper of Hylians (especially Americans), the CEO of Squadallah Industries, a worker at The Plaza Hotel in New York, and a floor business manager. As of 2014, Gwonam has been a friend of Link, Zelda, King Harkinian, Macaulay Culkin and Butch Patrick. Gwonam stayed alive as of April 10, 2015.

## Personality

Gwonam has an unhealthy tendency of becoming obsessed with any movie he sees, such as *Dino Time* (see above) and *The Nut Job* (see below). He also hates bronies, and he called Link gay when he found out that Link was one.

## Trivia

* Gwonam's IQ is 245, making him the smartest man in Hyrule.
* Despite him looking like a terrorist, he is actually victim to many terrorisms. When he buys groceries, his house usually ends up bombed.
* His favorite word, "Squadallah," means "to rub one's butt on the floor." But don't tell him that, or he will kill you.
* He can read only in Phoenician, explaining the symbols on his scroll.
* He is King Harkinian's royal messenger, fool, magician, cook, and masseur.
* He owns an apartment in New York City.
* He can cast curses on people, and even turned King Harkinian into stone once.
* He likes to watch the Pingas Channel. Weird.
* On November 6, 2012, he suffered a heart attack. The King, being a jerk, ignored him, but Namowg took Gwonam to Hyrule General Hospital, and Gwonam managed to make a full recovery.
* He bought an X-wing on eBay, but various people like King Harkinian and Namowg kept stealing it, which eventually led to its destruction.
* He loved *The Nut Job* so much he drew its title on the King's toilet paper. This ended badly for Gwonam; when the King found out, he ordered Link to attack Gwonam.
* He created the original story for *Regular Show*, but failed to make it into an actual show. He sold his concept to J.G. Quintel in 2009 for 4 rupees.

## Quotes

* "Your majesty, Ganon and his minions have seized the island of Koridai."
* "It is written, only Link can defeat Ganon."
* "There is no time. Your sword is enough."
* "Squadallah, we're off!"
* "These are the faces of evil. You must conquer each."
* "Here is the map. Where do you wish to go?"
* "Look what has happened!"
* "See how Harlequin captures Koridians?"
* "Look how Militron makes his warriors."
* "Through the eye of Glutko lies the shrine of Koridai."
* "Consider Lupay the most dangerous of Ganon's minions."
* "Look and see... Goronu."
* "At last, you have the vision to find my house! Now you will see the Sand Croomies that prevent your approach to Ganon. Go, with many blessings."
* "Already Koridai is returning to harmony."
* "The birds are singing! Isn't it beautiful?"
* "As it is written, you, Link, are the hero of Koridai!"
* "Your mama."
* "F--k off!"
* "Your majesty, you must die."
* "Fari!"
* "Consider Lupay gay."
* "Macaroni and cheese."
* "The birds are burning!"
* "Look and seize the island of Koridai."
* "My house!"
* "Guitar Hero!"
* "Ganon died."
* "Orrorin."
* "Lonely Link."
* "Here is the map! It's f--king useless."
* "Your majesty, where the hell is *Dino Time*?"
* "There is no God. There is no Jesus. There is no Allah! There is no reason to go on living."
* "Impa, you are a slut."
* "Well, well! What have we here?"
* "Here I come!"
* "Your majesty, look! I can see my house from here!"
* "At f--king last!"
* "Many blessings I have given you, and this is how you repay me?"
* "You died."
* "Your majesty, don't wait any longer."
* "How long was I out?"
* "I am so cursing his ass."