183: Rank the Taste of These Meats

## Summary

The party open the prison cells and discover more allies, including a halfling member of the Beartoggle militia called Hilula, and the maladjusted render Kek. Hilula is oddly startled when hearing Raphina's name, but gladly joins their cause, and Will befriends Kek courtesy of a *Charmed Person* spell. Dew invisibly scouts out Chilchirah's den, witnessing a terrifying ritual in which the lizardfolk chief transforms one of his soldiers into a hulking render, and the group swiftly plan their tactical assault. The party are just about to put their plan into action when all the excitement gets the better of Mo, and he recklessly charges in alone!

## Synopsis

Batthwack, with the others following behind him, lifts the bar across the door to the prison cells and opens it. Down a short set of steps, a passage leads to the left with 5 iron-bound doors (see "21" on the map below), each with a keyhole and no windows. Mo and the guards don't know who's in each cell so Dew peers through the first keyhole, but finds it's black. Batthwack bangs on the door and nothing happens. Will casts *Light* on it, but there's still no reaction from within.

   Raphina walks down the passage, calling out to see if there is anyone in the cells. Some sort of muffled noise can be heard from behind the 2nd, 4th and 5th doors. Behind the 3rd door is a violent banging. Everyone feels pretty confident that this must be where Kek is being held. Dew opens the first door to reveal a rough hewn, approximately 10x10 cell, on the floor of which are the bodies of two dead lizardfolk. He opens the second door and finds a full-grown lizardfolk and a young hatchling. They look underfed and blink at the light. The lizardfolk begins babbling in draconic, *"Please, please release us, give us food, we did nothing, please!"* Batthwack and Dew give both of them some of their rations, which they begin stuffing into their mouths hungrily. Will crouches down and tries to cast his old *Speak with Dead* spell on the corpses in the first cell, not expecting it work, but feeling the need to try anyway. To his surprise he does hear something faintly: a single draconic word, the word for "Gold." He pauses for a moment wondering what this could mean.

Raphina goes to cell number 4 and opens the door. A lizardfolk jumps out, teeth bared, claws at the ready. He tries to slash and claw at Batthwack's armour. He edges his way to the door, hissing at them angrily. Batthwack offers him some rations, which he lunges at, tearing into it with his teeth. Batthwack tells him that they're not going to hold him, but he should be careful if he leaves. He bolts out the door. Will tells Bilaroth to make sure these prisoners know that they're all against Chilchirah. One of his guards catches the escaping prisoner and drags him back into the guard room outside the cells. They begin tending to all the lizardfolk prisoners.

They open the door to cell 5 and a terrified and malnourished-looking halfling woman scurries away from them. She's dressed in chain armour. She stammers *"Please... please.... let me out!"* and Dew replies *"That is exactly our intention!"* She is surprised they speak common, given their disguises. They tell her that they're here to kill Chilchirah. They tell her she's free to go but Dew says they could use her help. He waves his hand through a fake part of Raphina's lizardfolk appearance, revealing their disguises. Mo also finds this surprising, but Will does his best to maintain the ruse and denies any knowledge of what they're talking about.

Will notices that the halfling is dressed like a member of a city militia. Will *Messages* her to explain what they're doing and says she's free to go if she wishes. She says she was patrolling the area nearby, got knocked out and found herself here; she doesn't know where to go. They tell Brom to guard the door. The penny has finally dropped for Mo, who is now aware they are disguised and not real lizardfolk. Will's concerned that Mo might turn on them, but he insists he wouldn't hurt them since they want kill Chilchirah. He explains that he doesn't eat every human he meets, though he has eaten human flesh before.

The halfling overhears Raphina's name and suddenly yells to shut everyone up. She seems really surprised and concerned, asking if Raphina's name is short for anything. Raphina gives her full name and wonders if she's supposed to know this halfling. She says her name is Hilula. The rest of the group introduce themselves. Will is really suspicious and casts *True Strike* to get some insight on her. From this he discerns that she's pretty young in terms of halfling age and therefore might be relatively new to her militia or a police force position. She seems eager to impress. She's also nowhere near any kind of town; so it's weird that she's out here dressed like this. Will quizzes Hilula and she explains that she was sent here from Beartoggle to hunt down a serial killer. *"We haven't had much luck, but we've been casting a wider and wider net."*

Will's suspicion of Hilula is not quelled by anything she's saying and strongly suspects that she knows Raphina, even though she's not admitting it. The rest of the party suggest she come with them and because it's not safe they should arm her. Hilula reveals the serial killer she's after is known as the "Beartoggle Butcher" and says they don't know too much about him. "He's killed many people." When Raphina says she's also from Beartoggle, Hilula feigns surprise, which Will picks up on. Raphina asks Hilula about her family and she says she's from the Lorella clan. Hilula says she's used to a sword, but Batthwack gives her the magical battle-axe which is effective against plants, the one he'd retrieved from the Gulthias tree on Yester Hill. Will is very concerned about this and the fact that the people he's traveling with are so gullible.

They discuss whether to let out Kek, whose cell is still banging away incessantly. He would no doubt be a powerful ally, but if he cannot be controlled, he may harm the lizardfolk children. Will says he may have magical means to get Kek on-side. They decide to brace the door with Will's *Immovable Rod*, open it a small amount and have Mo try and talk to him. Mo can't understand how this small stick will help and Dew is also intrigued. Will places the rod and activates it, Dew and Batthwack brace the door for safety and Will carefully unlocks it. As soon as the door is unlocked, it bangs open against the *Immovable Rod*. It's only open ajar, and the tips of huge gnarly claws are trying to force their way through the gap. Batthwack realises that Kek must be named after the repeated gutteral noise that he's making in his very deep voice, which sounds like the draconic word for "blood". Will casts *Charm Person* on Kek and immediately his rattling and slamming and clawing stops. Kek presses his bloodshot eye up to the gap in the door and fixes on Will.

Will tries to talk to Kek through the crack in the door, but with only one word it's tough going. Batthwack tells Kek that they're going to kill Chilchirah and Kek responds agitatedly, *"Chilchirach blood! Chilchirah blood! Chilchilrah blood!...."* They take this as a good sign. Unsure if Kek can understand them, Batthwack asks Kek if he wants to sit down and from what little they can see through the crack in the door, he appears to do so.

The party offer Kek various portions of their rations and a long black tongue pokes out and grabs whatever they provide. Mo teaches Will the draconic for "friend" and Will uses this to indicate to Kek that everyone here are also friends, even Batthwack, begrudgingly. Kek repeats the word "friend" back to reach of them. With Mo translating, Will tells Kek to stay close to him. They remove the *Immovable Rod* and back away. Very carefully, Dew swings the door open to reveal the largest lizardfolk they've ever seen at around 13ft tall. He has long teeth and a spiked tail, long claws and is a dark greenish brown with jagged scales. He's covered in scars and has suffered various wounds as a result of his incarceration and attempts to escape. He sits quietly on the ground looking at Will. Batthwack heals Kek completely, touching his arm.

The group decide to move on quickly because Will's *Charm Person* spell only lasts an hour. Mo says they're close to where Chilchirah is, which is in a large open area, a new part of the lair they've dug out. The prisoner lizardfolk has been calmed down and armed and will join the fight. Wondering how to get a look at the area where Chilchirah is, Will wishes he had Bernard with him. Dew offers to do a reconnaissance, and Will casts *Invisibility* on him.

Mo leads everyone into the mouth of a large, wide open, marshy hollowed out area dotted with ferns (22). He pauses at the corner and indicates silently to the south. Before Dew moves off, Batthwack offers him a swig of Bufflin whiskey and wishes him luck. The bottle disappears as Dew takes it and it reappears when he hands it back.

Moving in the direction Mo had indicated, Dew finds a large alcove to the east (23), and spies a captain and five soldiers, four renders, and Chilchirah, flanked by two lizardfolk shaman. The sight of Chilchirah is shocking. He's four times as big as a render. Nipple rings pierce his huge body, which just seems to be a great mass, starting at his head and sloping outwards in a pyramid shape, down on onto his huge haunches. There is chanting and Chilchirah is breathing out some sort of magical smoke, which is flowing over a lizardfolk who is lying prone in front of him. Although writhing in pain, his victim seems to be incapable of moving. The magical smoke glows and pours into the lizardfolk who then slowly grows and swells into another render. Chilchirah laughs strangely and says *"It's always fun!"* Dew is aware that oddly he can understand Chilchirah even though he's not sure what language's he's speaking.

Dew relays everything to the rest of the party via *Messages* with Will. After returning to the group, Dew ventures back into the cave again to investigate another entrance at the south of the cave that Mo tells them about. Finding this, he makes his way through the passageways at the south and rejoins the party at the cave's northern entrance outside the cells.

The party come up with a plan of attack. They have with the them 6 lizardfolk guards, Bilaroth, Mo, Kek, Hilula, Brom, Captain Clockface and Pippa. They decide to draw the attackers towards them using ranged attacks and have the others ready and waiting to then follow up with a fight at close quarters. Will *Messages* Raphina to remind her to keep an eye on Hilula, who he is still suspicious of.

Will suggests casting some kind of illusion as another way of drawing the enemies towards them. Batthwack suggests they try another magic trick using his *Deck of Illusions*. Raphina picks out a card at random and when it's thrown to the ground the illusion of a goblin appears. Dew casts *Lightning Arrows* on himself. Batthwack casts *Crusader's Mantle* on everyone making them feel bold, which is a weird feeling for Will. Raphina sends the goblin dancing into the cave towards their enemies and once it has their attention she makes it moon at them. The lizardfolk shriek in indignation, Raphina sends the goblin somersaulting away and one of the renders and the captain give chase. They round the corner and as soon as Mo gets sight of them, he can no longer contains himself. He charges towards them with a cry of *"Death to Chilchirah!!"*

## Trivia

* The episode title comes from something KT said. The party have revealed their disguises to Mo and Will is worried about whether his violent tendencies will extend to them now. KT/Will: *"Who knows? Maybe you hate all … dwarfs!"* Eric/Mo: *"Who do that? That sounds like a terrible person."* KT/Will: *"Right!"* Greg: *"It's good to know he has limits."* Eric/Mo: *"That sound like the kind of person I slash and gut and kill and eat!"* KT/Will: *"Oh well, alright but, how do you feel about halflings, how do you feel about orcs? Or half-orcs?"* Eric/Mo: *"I don't know, I need to meet!"* KT/Will: *"Oh yeah? You haven't met any yet so far. I'm just curious if you have any..."* Greg: *"This is all hypothetical...!"* Abby suggests he'd need to try their meat. KT: *"Right yeah, like... Rank the taste of these meats: human, halfling, orc..."*

## Episode Sponsor

*Main article: The Adverts of Pork Fried Dice*
*See also: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode was brought to you by ... *Now That's What I Call Music: Lizardfolksongs, Volume One*

Featuring such great hits as:

* *The Water Is Wide And We Built A Lair Underneath It*
* *Puff The Magic Dragon Is My Cousin*
* *For The Most Times We Are A-Raging*
* *The Sound of Violence* (It's the perfect lullaby since we love to kick our children around)
* *If I Were A Carpenter I Wouldn't Have To Eat Pickled Snakes*
* *Tangled Up In A Blue Luminescent Lobster Claw*
* *This Land Is Our Land Stay Out Or We Stab You*
* *Leaving On A Jet Plane Because People Keep Stabbing Me*
* *If I Had Hammer I Would Still Choose Knife So I Could Stab You*
* *Are You Going To Chilchirah's Lair?* (and the answer to that song is yes, we go to Chilchirah's lair to stab and gut and eat!)

## References

1. ↑ Listener, you may recall that the party met (and killed) some Beartoggle halflings from the Hecklestan clan, in Castle Ravenloft! See episode 149: But Do You?)
2. ↑ See episode 43: The Patriarchy Tree