Transcript: A Demon-Strative Cause! (S.I.N.K or Swim)

Miles: So you’re telling me that this guys last name is Place?

Satori: Yup. Nicholas Place. Avid Satanist. Ever since he was introduced to it by his mother he fell in love with it. Conducts rituals every day.

Hunter: And we need to erase him why?

Satori: He might be taking his little obsession a bit too far. Sources say he is gathering resources to flood the earth with lava and fire to turn the world into a real life hell.

Miles: Real life hell? Just make a Twitter or TikTok. Doesn’t get much worse then that.

Satori: Nick here doesn’t seem to think so.

Hunter: This should be a piece of cake. I mean he’s just a dude. He may worship some horned goat but it’s not like he gets any powers from it.

Satori: True, but his true force is in numbers. Surprisingly enough, an abnormal amount of people seem to want to get on into the Hell IRL business.

Hunter: Brainwashing?

Satori: Possible.

Miles: Manipulation?

Satori: Possible as well.

Hunter: Then what are we waiting for?

Satori: Mission Approval from The High Board of Directors.

Miles: Oh yay, Maintenance. Fuckers are harder then a boulder with a boner. So I presume we’re just gonna wait here twiddling our thumbs until we get approval in the next 50 centuries.

Satori: Miles, you have been around SINK long enough to know that approval is not a fast access thing. There are hundreds of other missions we could be tackling right now.

Miles: Like what? Those living garden gnomes that take like one hit from a small hammer to kill? Bullshit.

Satori: Hunter, you’re the leader, can you please talk to him, while I try to gain more info on Place?

Miles: It’s funny because everyone assumed I was the leader.

Miles: Which I obviously should be.

Hunter: Please. I'm bigger and stronger then you.

Miles: Look buddy, once you get your hands on a Quantum Molecule Destabilizer Ray we can talk.

Hunter: Do I need to? I can just ring up the folks at Armory right now.

Miles: Fuck. That’s true.

Satori: Wow. I got an email from The Board. They’re allowing the mission.

Miles: LETS FUCKING GO!

Hunter: I was getting bored. SINK Task Force B-53 is back in business.

Satori: That may or may not suck, depending on what you think.

S.I.N.K OR SWIM

Hunter: Uh...why is the title card in the middle of the room?

Satori: MILES!

Miles: Why are you blaming me? I'm not on title card duty!

A sliding door opens.

Hunter: Remind me why we're visiting Armory again?

Satori: They're a couple of things we need to pick up before going on this mission. The briefing says that this could potentially be in the 4-digit mark when it comes to hostile numbers.

Hunter: Wonderful.

Miles: Hmmm..we're dealing with a hell guy right? So what should we pick?

Satori: Let's see..we've got an Intertia Cancelling Barrier, High-Density Compression Launcher, Impact Doubler...

Hunter: What does a High-Density Compression Launcher even do?

Satori: Manipulate and compress the surrounding negative space and barometric pressure of the atmosphere to create high-density explosive projectiles.

Miles: Air go in, air is pressed, air go boom.

Hunter: That sounds like a good field clearer but it could result in property damage.

Satori: No need to worry, we control Wall Street. Money is not a problem here.

Hunter: Jesus, if this has to do with some demon guy can't they just get Inhuman Resources to do it?

llyana: Nyet. We already have objective. That why there are multiple teams here.

Miles: HOLY FUCK-

Hunter: Please don't sneak up on us like that.

Ilyana: Cannot help it. It is just my nature.

Miles: Is this..a water shotgun?

Hunter: A water shotgun, huh? Like that'll help.

Satori: Well, imagine a Super Soaker but with the water pressure amount of 6 fire truck hoses combined. That's what that is.

Miles: On second thought, maybe I'll just..

He slips it into his Quantum Backpack.

Satori: Uh-huh.

Hunter: Let's just get on with the damn mission, we've spent enough time here as it is.

llyana: Good luck, comrades.

Miles: Thanks, Rasputina.

Satori: Miles!

Miles: Couldn't help myself...

They exit the armory.

Satori: So now what we need to do is locate this guy and take him out.

Miles: Tell me something I don't know.

Satori: On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

Hunter: Why the fuck would you eat a ballpoint pen?

Miles: I dunno, maybe most of those are babies or kids.

Hunter: Anyway, you all have enough juice in your Warp Watches to last the next...uh..8 hours?

Miles: Yup.

Satori: Mine is always on Low Power. Saves battery.

Miles: You know, Satori, if a multitasker could multitask multitasking, that would be you.

Satori: How kind of you.

Hunter: Alright, team.

Hunter: 3...2...1..

ZAP!

Nicholas: Heheheheh. Finally. Everything is falling into place.

Nicholas: Soon, SOON, the world will resemble the way I've always seen it!

Nicholas: WE WILL BRING GEHENNA TO TERRA, AND RAIN DOWN FIRE AND BRIMSTONE ON ALL WHO ARE UNWORTHY!

Crowd: CLEANSE! CLEANSE! CLEANSE!

One Cultist: CL-hrkrrhrkrh...

Satori: He's down.

She pulls out a snip of his hair.

Satori: Scan data, then activate Imitation.

Her earpiece lines the hair up and down, and slowly her body shifts into his.

Miles, over comms: You got it?

Satori: Just gotta get closer.

Hunter: There's something about this guy that just seems familiar. Dude screams incel.

Miles: I'll bet you 20 bucks that the only reason he even wanted to be a Satanist was to fuck demon girls.

Satori: Both of you, shut up. I'm almost there.

Nicholas: ALRIGHT EVERYONE, IT'S TIME!

Nicholas: WE MOVE OUT, NOW!

Satori: Shit!

All the cultists start exiting the cave.

Miles: Absolutely fucking not-

He takes out the High-Density Impact Launcher and aims it at the roof of the cave.

KRAKOOOM

The projectile sends multiple giant rocks down and obstructs the cave's egress.

Nicholas: WHAT?

One Cultist: WHO DARES?-

Satori grabs his arm, rolls him over, and snaps his neck clean.

Cultist 2: THERE!

Cultist 3: GET HIM!

Satori deactivates her Imitation and pulls out a large Homing Railgun.

Satori: Let's see if you like the taste of real hell!

The Homing Railgun was named aptly. The second Satori fired it, the long singular line began to maneuver around the room, taking out Cultists like a game of Snake.

Satori: Guys? A little help?

Hunter: I've got it! Activate Ignition Gauntlets!

[SINK IGNITION GAUNTLETS

Weapon Type: Melee

Usage: Infinite

Clearance Level Needed: 2

Description: Ignition Gauntlets are exactly what they sound like - large fist covering gauntlets that can heat up to 145.8 degrees Fahrenheit, which is 11.8 degrees hotter then the hottest temperature in recorded history. The user's hands are protected by a Insulation Glove on the inside to prevent melting fingers. These gauntlets can be used to punch enemies, melt walls and barriers, and heat popcorn.

Availability: IN USE]

Hunter smashes the ground and begins punching cultists left and right.

Nicholas: I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!

Nicholas: O lucifer potens, da mihi immortalem potestatem tuam facere voluntatem tuam, et ab omnibus imperfectionibus emunda terram!

Hunter: What the fuck is he doing?

Satori: Regroup! Regroup NOW!

The three members form a circle as cultists surround them.

Nicholas: TAKE THESE BLASPHEMERS OUT OF OUR SIGHT!

Nicholas extends his hands and the three members are engulfed in demonic fire. It doesn't harm them, but warps them deep underground.

SINK Base 3:15.

Miles: I thought you said he DIDN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING POWERS!

Satori: I did. This must be something new.

Hunter: Do we even know what he said to summon this power?

Satori: I couldn't make it out much. All I heard was "O Lucifer potens", which means "Oh mighty Lucifer" in Latin.

Hunter: For fuck's sake.

Satori: I've never seen anything like what jolly old saint Nick just pulled today. We weren't even harmed by those fires. I need to do more research.

Miles: This doesn't mean-

Satori: We're gonna have to peruse Archives.

Miles: GODDAMMIT!

Miles: Fuck me.

Hunter: I know this is your literal least favorite part of the job, but it's necessary.

Miles: Half the shit in here isn't even fucking necessary!

He pulls out a random box.

Miles: Here, look at this - Constitution 2: Electric Boogaloo! Constitution 3: Rise of the Machines?! CONSTITUTION 4: A NEW HOPE? THE CONSTITUTION ADVENTURES OF JOHN HANCO- WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING CONSTITUTIONS?! THIS ONE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE IT WAS MADE BY THE FOUNDING FATHERS! WHAT, DID THEY JUST THROW IT TO CANADA AND PAY THEM TO DO IT?!

Satori: If you think that's bad, you clearly haven't seen how many Bible rewrites exist.

Hunter: Let's see here..eternal deodorant? And is this a working McDonalds ice cream machine?

Satori: Stop getting distracted! You know why we're here, so quit playing around with novelties.

Miles: It's funny you mention Bible rewrites, Satori. I think I found one that could help

.Satori: That's not a Bible, dude. That's the Omniscius Omnividens.

Hunter: God, I'm so glad I didn't take Latin in high school.

Satori flips through the book.

Satori: Hmmm.it says here that only the Anti-God can summon the powers of Lucifer.

Miles: Oh, you're shitting me.

Hunter: If an..anti-god is what we're dealing with, maybe we should visit Armory again. Maybe go a floor higher to "Different Plane of Existence" category.

Miles: If you want to. I'm not going. My favorite weapon from there already got taken.

Satori: You have 50 favorite weapons, Miles.

Miles: I'm talking about Gabriel's Wing! It's a cool-ass greatsword that can shoot sharp feathers and teleport people. Also fry people to a crisp with heaven's light.

Hunter: Maybe it's a good thing that was taken.

Satori: Found one more thing-it says that all we need to do to banish the Anti-God is to touch him with any sort of crucifix or cross.

Miles: That's...it?!? I could have just loaded up a minigun full of that shit and blown him to Hell - literally!

Hunter: lt won't be that easy. There's still his army we need to deal with. Not to mention the fact he probably won't let us get close enough to try.

Satori: That's why we're gonna take the stealth approach. All 3 of us will use their Cloak to try and sneak up on him. He may be crazy but he's not very observant.

Miles: Sounds good to me. I'm still gonna visit Armory again though. Maybe the Dust Devil is there. It's been on my bucket list to try out for a while.

Hunter: You have a bucket list of weapons?

Satori: Hunter, look who you're talking to.

Hunter: Fair enough.

Satori: Oh, for the love of God.

Miles: What?

Satori: He..he's not where we last saw him anymore. He's on a one way trip to Manhattan.

Hunter: Dude, why is it always NY? It's like everything in the universe has a grudge against them.

Miles: Hey man, I'd probably have a grudge too if I had to pay 20 million dollars for a 2 by 2 foot closet.

Satori: Both of you, shut up. We have to stop him before he hits the city. Who knows how much destruction he'd cause.

Miles: I don't think he cares about the city. I think he cares more about all the lighters and gas and molten glass he can get from there.

Hunter: True. His whole goal is to turn the world into Hell. How would he do that without fire?

Satori: Looks like we're on our way to New York.

Miles: The air is really fucking salty, wow.

Hunter: Well, that probably could do with the fact that we're on a ferry.

Satori: We're almost here.

Miles: How are we gonna find him?

Satori: We won't. The public will.

Hunter: Oh right, this is a stealth thing.

Satori: Now we need to get into position fast. We could only have one shot at this.

Miles: One shot is all I need.

Hunter: Then why do you always make sure to use up every one of your rounds in a mission?

Miles: I'm a weapon perfectionist. The mag is either full or empty. Nothing more.

Satori: Both of you, shut up. I think he's approaching.

Nicholas: MWAHAHAHAHAHA! CITIZENS OF MANHATTAN, KNEEL BEFORE YOUR GOD! or should I say...Anti-God.

Many citizens start running around and screaming.

Satori: I think that's our cue.

Miles: Alright, invis time.

The three agents cloak themselves.

Nicholas: AND THIS TIME...I CAN'T BE STOPPED! BY ANYONE!

Miles: Can an Anti-God eat words?

Satori: He can eat my ass, because the last thing I want is for my home to be covered in firey rocks.

Hunter: Alright, let's do this.

Nicholas: I feel...a presence.

Miles: Oh fucking of course he does.

Nicholas: YOU! BLASPHEMERES OF THE CAVE! ARE YOU HERE TO RUIN MY PLANS TO BRING SALVATION UPON ALL!

Hunter: Uh..sure.

Satori: Goddammit...ok, cut the cloak. He knows we're here, let's kick some ass.

Miles: Now you're speaking my language.

Hunter: You mean "gun, gun, knife, stab, shoot, pew, fuck, bam, krak, pow, shit, dammit, whack, boom."

Miles: The fuck do you mean you want to eat your neighbors dog with a side of hot ranch?

Hunter: Uh...

Satori: Guys? Are we gonna take him out or what?

M/H: Sorry.

Satori pulls out the Impact Doubler.

Satori: Let's do this.

[SINK IMPACT DOUBLER

Weapon Type: Ranged

Usage: Infinite

Clearance Level Needed: 5

Description: The Impact Doubler is a very, very special weapon - albeit a very dangerous one. Ever wanted to fall off a building, only for you to feel the impact of falling off a building twice in a row? The Impact Doubler does exactly what the name suggests - double impact. It is a small, compact gun that can fit in a hoodie pocket. Once fired, the recipient will feel double the impact of anything for the next 24 hours. Dropped a hot cup of coffee on your hand? What if you dropped 2? Stubbed your toe? Well, you stubbed it twice. Bit your lip with one teeth? You'll feel you bit it with two. Be very careful with this weapon. lf you fuck it up, you can only blame yourself - or the moron you gave it to.

Availability: IN USE]

Miles: Ohohohoho, fuck yeah. I'm so damn glad I brought the water shotgun.

[SINK HYDROBLAST DOUBLE BARREL SHOTGUN

Weapon Type: Ranged

Usage: Limited - 100 gal of water

Clearance Level Needed: 1

Description: So you have a shotgun filled with water. That sounds pretty shitty. What if it shot 900 pounds per square inch of water pressure, 6 times the amount of pressure in a normal fire hose? Sound shitty still? The Hydroblast can basically do anything a shitton of water pressure would be needed for - putting out fires, breaking down buildings, and taking down enemies with the power of the sea god himself. Obviously that's just an exaggeration. There's a fuckton of sea gods.

Availability: IN USE]

Hunter activates his lgnition Gauntlets again.

Nicholas: THERE YOU ARE!

Nicholas raises his arms and sends down a storm of hellfire.

Miles shoots down a few of the flames, but Satori pulls him and Hunter into a Portable Combustion Incapacitater.

Hunter: You packed this? I thought it was only suitable for one person?

Satori: I asked Robotics, and they improved it. It's being rolled out now to other agent teams. I thought ahead.

Hunter: Wow.

Miles: Dude, why are you even surprised? Satori probably already knows what she's gonna get you for your 86th birthday.

Nicholas: IMPOSSIBLE! MY HELLFIRE CANNOT BE BLOCKED!

Miles: You'd be surprised how many times we hear that first word, dude.

Nicholas: FINE! I'LL JUST DESCEND FROM MY PILLAR OF FLAMES AND DEAL WITH YOU ALL MYSELF

!He does just that - he comes down from the pillar and lights his hand in flames, getting ready to deal with the agents.

Nicholas: KNEEL!

Nicholas lunges towards Hunter, who swiftly dodges and activates a punch from his Gauntlets, which Nicholas blocks with a wall of fire.

Satori shoots him with the Impact Doubler, which enrages Nicholas.

He shoots a blast of fire towards her, which is quickly extinguished by a blast from Miles' gun.

Miles: Stay sharp.

Satori: You're tellin' me?

Hunter: We all make mistakes, Satori.

Nicholas: SILEEEEEEEEENCE!

Nicholas begins to grow...and grow...and grow..

Hunter: Um...Satori? Do demon lords have growth spurts? Because I think he's going through one right now!

Miles: This is gonna make it a lot harder to blow a hole in his brain.

Satori: Stick to the plan, guys. All we need is a touch of a crucifix. That's it.

Nicholas: I HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU ALL FROM HADES FOR SO LONG. YOU ALL LONG TO COVER YOUR PAST. HIDE YOUR SINS! AND HOW? BY JOINING A FRAUD AGENCY! YOU KNOW NOT WHY IT EXISTS!

Satori: Oh, and you do? Pray tell, why exactly do we exist?

Nicholas: YOU WERE ONLY MADE TO-

BOOM

Miles, holding the High-Density Impact Launcher: What was that? I didn't quite hear you!

Nicholas: YOU FOOLISH-

BOOM

Miles: Speak up, dude! We won't understand if you keep mumbling!

Nicholas: ENOUGH!

Nicholas waves his hands and sends a wave of hellfire at the 3 agents. Hunter grabs a spray can full of Demon-Be-Gone to redirect the blast towards the air.

Satori: Demon-Be-Gone??

Hunter: Alchemy cooked it up for us. Great for all your devil-banishing needs!

Miles: God, I love this job.

Nicholas: WHAT? HOW??

Nicholas reaches out to grab Hunter.

Hunter: Oh fuck!

He grabs Hunter and puts his giant thumb over his small head.

Satori: HUNTER!

Miles: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nicholas begins to crush- until he stops.

Nicholas: WHAT??? I CAN'T...MOVE!

Hunter: Ooh...weren't expecting this, huh?

Hunter parts his hair to reveal a cross on his forehead, made from ashes burned on Ash Wednesday.

Hunter: The power went to your head, and now, thanks to mine, it's all gonna go down the drain.

Nicholas: YOU....YOU-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

KRAKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Nicholas Place was dead.

Suddenly, all of the cultist's masks begin to disintegrate, and the unlucky humans were freed on his mind control.

Miles: Dude, you fucking freaked us out for a second.

Satori: Yeah. We really thought we were gonna have to use up the last of our Ressurade.

Hunter: Don't worry about it. We can just buy some more Ressurade.

Miles: She's saying we were scared you were gonna die, dude.

Hunter, smiling: I know. Now let's go home. I want to rub this in Laura's face.

Satori: And you wonder why she doesn't like you?

Hunter: Hey, she started it.

The three teleport home.