Welcome to Cyber Battle Wars

### Cast

Tom Burgess • Adam Blampied • Oli Davis • Laurie Blake • Luke Owen • Lolo Brow • Luke Owen

### Roster

Dani & The Fork • Dogmatic • Transfarmer • Netcracker • Screenshot • Firewall • Bytemare • Piston Fairmont & Billionaire Playbot • Archie Incorporated & the Millionaire Fund Robot • Alexei Tetris & the Kremlin Krusader • Hammer • Sickle • Red Star • Mass Maxwell • Fourwarning • Rick Thunder & Danger Zone • Timote Quickniev & Red Scare

### Other people

Quantum Computer • Lydia Tetris • Julie Lovely

### Series

Cyber Battle Wars (one-shot)

**Welcome to Cyber Battle Wars** was the first one-shot episode of CBW. It was set in the year 3000 in which wrestlers fought with mechs in the Cyber Battle Wars promotion.

## Plot

### Dani in the workshop

In Dani's workshop, she was working on The Fork. Several screens showed some of The Fork's 99 consecutive victories, including its 1st, 23rd, 57th, 74th, 86th and 99th matches against Dogmatic, Transfarmer, Netcracker, Screenshot, Firewall and Bytemare respectively. These were mostly won using its prongs and the electric saw on its back.

### Piston Fairmont addresses the audience

Piston Fairmont, one of Cyber Battle Wars' most generous investors, appeared on its broadcast in order to speak. He was sitting in a large, luxurious armchair in a drawing room. Above the fireplace was a painting of a serious, imposing looking man. Piston polished his Peace Fist award for robot fighting, and spoke of his father's vision for a cleaner world which he had executed by transcending to a new cyber world. He showed the F chip, which turned thought into action, and said it was his idea to use it to make robots fight. He said cheers, especially to "all you boys at Incorporated Incorporated."

### The Playbot vs the Fund Robot vs the Krusader

In the Cyber Battle Wars arena, Billionaire Playbot was announced. It strode into the arena with the confidence of a man who played cricket for a living. The Millionaire Fund Robot stormed stiffly and formally into the arena. Through his vidscreen in his control room, Piston saw the face of his business contemporary Archie Incorporated.

Archie wanted a chat, but Piston decided to just make the Playbot punch the Robot as the electronic bell buzzed, misshaping its moustache. Through the Playbot, Piston raised the Robot to its feet, offering Archie a handshake, which he took. As soon as their hands connected, the Playbot's jet propulsors launched them both off the ground; Piston dropped the Robot and attempted the Big Cash. However, Piston did not account for the continued propulsion of the Playbot's boots, causing it to fly past its target. The Millionaire Fund Robot grabbed the Playbot's ankles and swung it around by its waist. Archie said "here we go around again", to which Piston asked who taught him that one; Archie said it had been Derek. Piston cocked his fist and aimed it at Archie's head to uncork the Chateau Le Fist 1869 in the belief that there should be only one robotics company in the world and that he was making his father proud. In doing the move, he made use of an untested turbocharge that his father had strongly advised against, and it paid off with the Fund Robot dropping him. He kicked the Robot in its balls and used the Privelidged Piledriver while severing the wires around its neck with the pincers on its hands. The Robot began to drop to its knees; Archie said this was "jolly unfair", but Piston told him to "suck a dick, fuckdad". He tried to finish with the Wealthbrat, but the molten palladium used in the move was too plentiful and backfired, causing the Playbot to sieze up. Piston enacted the Murder and Acquisition, ripping the Robot apart despite Archie's protests and calling it inferior technology.

A heavy steam clank of another robot approached, and the Kremlin Krusader, piloted by Alexei Tetris, appeared. Alexei said he was not there for money or glory, but for his legacy. Piston said Alexei knew nothing of legacy before wrapping the Playbot's hands around the Krusader's head and cutting at its wires. Alexei tried to psyche Piston out via the vidscreen by holding up an F chip, and took him aback. The Krusader stuck its arms out and began spinning for the Vodka Revolution. Piston responded with the Unseen 1%, turning invisible except for the palladium still on its body. The Krusader lifted the Playbot onto its shoulder to do the Dynamo Valley Driver, but did not compensate for the palladium and fell onto its back. Piston tried to run but wasn't fast enough. The Krusader did a Side American Leg Sweep and toppled the Playbot before releasing its Russian Dolls; Hammer, Sickle, and the Red Star. They pulled on the Playbot's limbs to execute the Taptris, in the belief that Piston was using the F chip wrongly and that it was destined for greater use. Hammer smashed with its hammer hands, Sickle sickled away, and Red Star rolled up and down a leg. Piston tapped out just before the Playbot was reduced to a pile of scrap.

The lights went out and the Futuretron lit up as a quantum wave appeared; the Quantum Computer declared the fight unacceptable and that they would be taken downstairs to resolve the issue. They were whisked down and out of sight.

### Mass' highlight reel

On the Futuretron appeared a highlight reel of Mass Maxwell's accomplishments in wrestling. He had been the top face in an unnamed promotion before moving to another company and being the top face there also. He had a brief heel turn before returning to his position as a face. He then lost his status, beginning to fall on a downward spiral in his human body. Because of this downward turn, Mass decided to hook himself up to a supercomputer and download himself into a black box recorder. He rose again to the top of the company, holding all of its title belts. He went to Japan for a time and was very popular there, fighting heated seated toilets. He formed the New World Droider (NWD) with two other robots. He had a feud with his arch nemesis Mechaman Andrew Vicious and the recently formed Mechapowers, who exploded due to a fuel problem. He won thousands of matches over the years, but his eyes grew dull over this time, and he became sad.

### The Fork vs Fourwarning

The Fork entered the arena in an entrance involving a giant robot dinner lady trying to find a fork who tipped the cutlery draw over. The Fork fell out and landed in the arena with Dani, then walked into the circle squared. Dani said she didn't give a Fork about any wrestler aside from Mass. The Quantum Computer appeared on the Futuretron and said that if the Fork won its one hundredth match, it would be granted a chance in the ring with the immortal Mass Maxwell.

Fourwarning entered, shook off its metallic cloak, and brought out two huge metallic arms. Whirring was heard as two more arms burst out from behind it, and it began intimidating Dani with its smooth forearm motion. It gestured toward the Fork.

On the bell, the Fork clamped its fork round an arm and almost snapped it off. Its other arm swung round and grabbed the Fork's waist and it Fourheadbutted its opponent. The Fork put the limp arm over its head to defend itself from a second Fourheadbutt, but it flopped down; Fourwarning pulled the Fork's arms out and up. Dani could sense the connections to its arms being damaged, and so made the Fork kick out and drop to roll Fourwarning over it. It put its fork hands into the ground to lift up and slamed down into its opponent. It tried to do so, but Fourwarning grabbed it with all four of its arms and placed it into its Fourture Rack submission move. Again seeing danger on the screen, the Fork turned on its electric saw and cut straight through its chest up to its head. Doubling the RPM of its saw, it continued to bury itself deep within Fourwarning. It seemed to cry out in pain but stopped as the LEDs in its skull went out. It said "I guess you found the winning Fourmula", before shutting down. The "99" on the Futuretron burst into a "100", before the Quantum Computer congratulated Dani and said the Fork had won its chance against Mass Maxwell. The Fork made a "#" shape with its fork fingers.

### Rick Thunder & Danger Zone vs Mass Maxwell

Upon the introduction of Rick Thunder, there were 90s style graphics on the Futuretron for what seemed to be a daytime high-concept TV show. A narrator spoke that while fighting to protect 90s America, Rick and his trusty wingman Tim Quick pursued a hostile aircraft, Red Scare, to the Bermuda Triangle. Thunder and his Danger Zone jet flew into a spacetime anomaly and were transported to the year 3000. Stuck in the future and out of time, Rick and Danger Zone wrestled to find a way back home. In the overseeing area of the arena behind some glass, he commanded Danger Zone like a Pokémon.

East Sussex surf rock began to play over the speakers. Backstage, two small droids painted with the logo "MASS HYSTERIA", carried a briefcast between them. They passed a cutout of Mass Maxwell, an older version of him that was painted red, white and blue with a big feather boa, an even older black version with "NWD" scrawled across its chest, and finally a pristine one. They took a black box out of the suitcase before plugging it into the mech. It powered up and walked out to stage, playing to the nonexistent crowd.

Mass asked what Rick would do when mass panic runs wild on him, and said he would beat Danger Zone into the ground. Rick channeled his voice through Danger Zone to say "we need to get back home, and we're going through you to do it."

Mass ran straight in with a clothesline, connecting and sending the jet stumbling back twice. Rick told Danger Zone to jump over the third clothesline, spin, and come back down, about to collide with Mass' chest in a finishing Danger Zone dragon phoenix 1080 splash. This would be one more of the wins Rick needed so he could get enough money to get Piston Fairmont to help them to get home. However, he heard a static crackle in his headset, and saw an electric spark spreading in places over him. For a moment on Rick's display, he saw a quantum wave appear. Danger Zone suddenly pulled up and landed cockpit down on the mat before more sparks happened. Maxwell got to his feet and activated his Maxwellian Overdrive Protocol, psyching himself up for a Nuclear Fusion leg drop. As it hit the jet on the floor, a series of pyrotechnics on its thigh and calf fired, causing further damage. It pinned Danger Zone and won.

Mass leaned into Danger Zone and whispered for it to stop him from becoming this if it managed to go back in time. He then got up and celebrated as normal. The sparks havving settled down, Rick communicated with Danger Zone, who told him what Mass had said. Rick resolved to find out what was wrong with the blue sparking. Danger Zone took off, and a pulse of deep purple and orange plasma emanated from its engine.

### Under the arena

In a remote control room, Alexei Tetris sat in front of a loading screen, waiting to hear back from the Quantum Computer. His mind cast back to the last moments of his mother's life, in Moscow, Russia. He was tending to Lydia Tetris' wounds as she lay on her bed. He went to the kitchen to get some water but she batted it away, refusing to drink. On her wall, she had newspaper clippings about her work in robotics and the science field. Another space on the wall held blueprints for the Tetrip, which would later come to be known as the F chip. As Lydia took her dying breath, he vowed to both avenge her and restore honour to their family name. He resolved to build the Tetrip and go to Cyber Battle Wars. Lydia then closed her eyes forever.

Piston Fairmont was also waiting in front of a screen, and looking at a stern photo of his dad frowning at him. The screens switched into the shape of the quantum wave, and the Computer told Piston to state his dispute with Alexei and to defend himself. Piston said Alexei had sudddenly attacked him, and called him a "foreign menace", believing his accent to be a form of Canadian. Piston said his brand and father's name had been dragged through he mutt, but that this would not be done by Alexei. Alexei defended himself, accepting Piston's challenge of a match and saying he would expose Piston "for the fraud that you are", restoring honour to his own name and using the technology for good. Piston said he knew exactly where Alexei's F chip came from, but that he didn't care. He stipulated that if Alexei won, he'd personally order the history books to be changed to say that the F chip was the Tetrip, but if he himself won, not only would it remain the F chip but Alexei would go down as a murderer of his own mother. Alexei accepted these terms; the match was set.

### Tetris & the Krusader vs Piston & the Playbot

The Kremlin Krusader and the Billionaire Playbot reemerged from under the arena, restored to working order. Many smaller, atractive robots appeared, each armed with a magnum of champagne, and a torrent of champagne spewed out to reveal the Playbot from under it. It had been made sexier with a streak of gold in its real hair. All of the robots unfurled a banner that said "don't listen to tentrips, they're history's greatest murderers." The Krusader's entrance had no pomp or circumstance, but he was accompanied by Hammer, Sickle and Red Star. The Futuretron showed images of how Fairmont Robotics was a lie and how they had stolen their technology.

On the bell, the Playbot went for the Chateau le Fist 1869 into the Krusader's chest, and created a few cracks in the metal, then pulled its chest apart and ripped out the Russian Dolls. It proceeded to crush the Dolls with its manicured hands, and with a pop, crackle and high pitched squeak, the robots were compacted into a misshapen ball. Piston boasted about having the power of the F chip, saying "I'm Piston Fairmont. Who the fuck are you?" Using its helicopter arm, Alexei turned its rotorblades on, but was unable to cut through the Playbot's expensive metal and the blades became twisted and misshapen. Piston continued to gloat, prompting the Krusader to "punch" the Playbot "in its Chernobyl", which meant kicking it in the dick with its battleship leg. The Playbot crossed its legs as the Krusader went for the Vodka Revolution. However, the Playbot was again too tough. The Playbot again began the Wealthbrat, pumping in molten palladium in the name of the Fairmont dynasty, seeing a new era of statues, F chips for every welathy individual, and a new era of robotics. This sealed the Russian Dolls in a coffin of palladium. Nevertheless, once again Piston had failed to account for his lack of skill in metallergy; it backed up, covering the Playbot's hands, body, arms, legs and feet. It attempted to extend its middle fingers and just about managed to do so before it seized up completely. Piston looked at the photo of his father and back at the circle squared, seeing a palladium statue to failure. Alexei was pronounced the winner.

Alexei said Piston was a brilliant man and that he did not hate him, but instead hated what he had done to the Tetrip. He proposed that he and Piston join together in business to build a better world. Piston said "no deal", and stormed out.