Fake TPOT 42p: How the Host Was One/part 1

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.

"**How the Host Was One**" is the prelude to the non-canon forty-second episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 18 October 1987. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was part of the main episode, and before that it was known as "**Plus Meets Minus (The Password Is Made)**".

Author's note: Never stated this outright, but every act of *Fake TPOT* ends in an episode where Pen is more in focus than he was in the five episodes before it. Our boi has been featured very heavily throughout this act... You finish the puzzle. (The perfectionist in me is working as hard as Santa's elves are to make sure the dialogue in this is just perfect.)

Author's note #2: I'd been planning this episode since August (see this promotional photo for proof!), even before I knew who'd still be in the competition at the end of Act VII.

Author's note #3 (31 December 2021): See above... may she rest in peace.

Description if this were on YouTube:

Ding ding ding ding! It's the finale of the show's second to last act, and everybody's getting ready to go home. In fact, many of them are leaving their (ex-)Filing Cabinet communities for the first time in over a decade! But a brief homecoming is not without its problems... Find out what happens to some of them as they face the dilemmas that have afflicted them beyond the confines of the Fovitwe in a brand new quadruple, er, double-length episode of THE POWER OF TWO!

Oh, and there's a new substitute host. Neither Two nor Five have been kept from their jobs in quite a while, but you'll be pleasantly surprised to find out who it is and what he does to make the competition a heck of a show! Hint: There's going to be buzzers.

Previous episode: "Your Own Private-Eye Phones!"

## Opening scenes

### **Outside**

**Scene**Night, but not so late that everyone is sleeping. Two's limousine enters the foreground and parks just outside the Fovitwe. The doors to the vehicle open and out pop **Eraser** and **Match**. They giggle as they sneak out of the car.
* **Eraser**: That was some double date, eh?
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, I don't even remember those peoples' names. And why dine with them *after* bowling?
* **Eraser**: 'Cause it seemed like a good idea at the time.
* **Ma****tch**: M'nyeh. Let's just go home. We have to leave this place in eight days and I don't, like, want to think about that now.
* **Eraser**: Me neither.

[*He looks at Match, who raises an eyebrow.*]

* **Eraser**: Mm-hmm. Me like.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, you cave-rubber! [*slaps the back of his head*] I'm *sooo*, like, taller than you.
* **Eraser**: I'm gonna get you for that!

[*Despite* **Eraser** *saying he will run after her, he is the first to* *run into Flat 6.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Doofus.
* **Eraser**: [*from inside*] Aaaaaaaaah!

[*Match walks up to the front door.*]

* **Ma****tch**: What? You still, like, shorter than me?
* **Eraser**: No, Match, c- come inside!
* **Ma****tch**: [*scoffs*] The things we, like, do for each other...

[**Match** *rolls her eyes and enters her flat. At the moment we don't see what's going on, but Match screams as well.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Aaaaaaaaaah!

### **Flat 6: Match and Eraser**

**Scene****Match** and **Eraser** stare at shock at something, although through a clever camera technique called *turning it around*, we don't know what it is until it is revealed.
* **Eraser**: Muh-muh-muh-*muh*-muh-muh-muh... Look! [*points at the camera*]
* **Ma****tch**: I'm looking, I'm looking at... hey!

[*The camera turns around and reveals none other than* **Firey Jr.**, *who sits on the sofa and watches TV. He looks up at Match and Eraser.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Hey.
* **Ma****tch**: Firey Jr.? What are you, like, doing here?
* **Eraser**: You know this little runt?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: [*angry*] I'm technically 25!
* **Ma****tch**: Eraser, you rude butt! Me and Firey Jr. were on a floating island together for, like, ten years. I thought he ditched me in Two's hotel at the end of, like, the last act, but now he's back again.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: I was lonely. I don't have to work in the cinema any more, so life's so boring now.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, what job did you have?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: What are you, an octopus? I just said I worked in the cinema. Lighting, to be specific.
* **Ma****tch**: You worked the lighting?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: No, Match, I *was* the lighting. Ever notice when the room gets bright after a movie ends? That's just me walking into the room. But not any more. [*looks around*] 'Cause I live here now.

[*Match and Eraser sit down.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Whoa, you can't, like, do that.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Why not?
* **Ma****tch**: 'Cause it wouldn't be fair. We have to pay rent, you know.
* **Eraser**: Yeah.
* **Ma****tch**: If you want to live for free, go to Apartment 2; they'll take, like, anyone. Well, Pen will take anyone. [*Aside.*] Don't know about Pencil, considering how she, like, kicked us out.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Come on, I thought we were friends or something! And you'll hardly notice me here. *Please*, I seriously have nowhere else to go!
* **Ma****tch**: Like, seriously? *Seriously* seriously?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Seriously.
* **Ma****tch**: Seriously, seriously, seriously?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Seriously!
* **Ma****tch**: Seriously, seriously, seriously, seriously—
* **David**: Aww, seriously?

[*Everyone looks at* **David**, *who is poking his head in the door. Silence.*]

* **Eraser**: Match, this brat's getting to be too much for me. I'll meet you in the dungeon.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, I'll bring the sheet music! [*going*] ♫ *Were I thy, like, bride...* ♫
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: But what about...

[*Exeunt* **Match** *and* **Eraser**.]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Aw, forget it. [*calling out to the wind*] Have fun with your dumb two-hander *Yeomen of the Guard* while I sit here alone!

[*Firey Jr. looks at the door and sees* **David** *still standing by it.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Want to poison their breakfast?
* **David**: Aw, seriously?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Yeah, come on in!

[**David** *enters the flat, and he and Firey Jr. get into mischief together. Meanwhile, Match and Eraser really are putting on a two-person production of* The Yeomen of the Guard *in their dungeon*. *Match is dressed as Phœbe Meryll and Eraser Wilfred Shadbolt (duh).*]

* **M****a****t****ch**: Should we really let him stay?
* **E****ra****ser**: I'm not havin' a kid with you!
* **M****a****t****ch**: That wasn't my question, stupid. [*sigh*] Let's talk about this to-, like, morrow. We have a show to put on.
* **E****ra****ser**: Swive, yeah!

### **Flat 2: Pen and Pencil**

**Scene**The instrumental to "Were I thy bride" serves as a transition to the next day, early in the morning. **Pen** is lying on the couch talking on his YeFone with somebody. He has headphones on—not modern ones, but the kind people use with a Walkman or other contemporary music player. We see that he is on an app (since the YeFone's entire app library was unlocked after the last contest) called Tierparkm, and he's looking at somebody's ceiling.
* **P****en**: You know you can hold the phone down so I can see your face. [*Pause.*] Yes, I know you only got it yesterday. [*Pause.*] Fair enough. Listen, I'd better go. [*Pause.*] *Ahava* you too, *yia sou*, *shalom*.

[*Pen ends the call, tosses his head and groans loudly. Enter* **Pencil**, *who has been within earshot of him for a few sentences.*]

* **P****en**: Crazy old-timer.
* **P****e****nci****l**: How's my multilingual man-o-man doing?

[*Pen gets up, surprised.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: That was Hebrew, innit?
* **P****en**: Yeah.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Anyway, now that you're off that do-all machine, can you help make breakfast?
* **P****en**: Sure, who's buying?

[*Jump cut to Pencil and Pen making pancakes together.*]

* **P****en**: No one.
* **P****e****nci****l**: So... who was on the phone?
* **P****en**: Just my dad.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah, good old Ari. Love that man.
* **P****en**: [*sigh*] He just expects so much from me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Must be why I love him.
* **P****en**: I don't even see his face 'cause he's too busy staring out the window, yet he's giving me a list of things to do before I go back home. "Suggestions", he calls 'em—hup! [*flips his pancake*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: They're just *suggestions*, Pen. [*flips her pancake higher*] Like when I suggest that you go shopping with me, and you always do.
* **P****en**: Well, I get a super pay-off every time, I must say.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, you end up buying ten times more than you planned to.
* **P****en**: And I get to spend time with my Pencil! [*kisses her on the cheek*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, you. But do keep this ace, I think the pancakes are throwing up. What were we talking about again?
* **P****en**: My father.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right.

[*Pencil dishes up her pancake and sits down. Pen gets the syrup dispenser (with the Canadian flag on it, of course). The Cake at Stake theme can be heard very faintly in the background.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: So will you see him right when the act ends?
* **P****en**: No, he's with the family on a two-week tour of the Holy Land.
* **P****e****nci****l**: The Holy Land? As in the land of milk and honey and all those other breakfast foods?
* **P****en**: You bet.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Then you shouldn't be worried; you've got your own place to yourself. Maybe even consider bringing a lass with time on her hands for a holiday. [*holds his hand*] Why are you so miffed at this?
* **P****en**: He makes me think of my life, that's all. The last thing I want is for him to see me as just a non-success story. I just want him to be happy. [*He puts his head down on the table. Pencil quickly moves his plate.*] Oh. Almost crash-landed in the pancakes there.

[*They both laugh. Enter* **Five**. *Pen and Pencil react differently to their entry.*]

* **P****en**: [*waving*] Hi, Five!
* **Five**: I don't do that with contestants.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, who the hell invited you into our kitchen?
* **Five**: You guys forget that you're still in the game. Anyway, Cake at Stake's happening right now, and Two would love for all the in-contestants to attend.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Was this put in writing?
* **Five**: Just go out, it's tradition.

[*Exit* **Five**, *melodramatically. Pencil and Pen look at each other.*]

* **[** **P****en** · **P****e****nci****l** **]**: We're bringing the food.

## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **Crescentia Tepe**

**Scene**At the Cake at Stake place, all potential joiners (*i.e.*, eliminated contestants, failed debuters, extras, strangers, FEXITers, newcomers and other former denizens of the Filing Cabinet) are stood on the platforms of the elimination sculpture. That's 146 people crowding around the area—never before has a Cake at Stake been this big in the history of BFDI. On the outside of this circle, **Two** stands to make their way to the centre, flanked at present by the still-in, alive contestants: **Black Hole**, **Coiny**, **Golf Ball**, **Pin**, **Tennis Ball**. **Firey Jr.** is also present, albeit hiding in the background; and **Pen** and **Pencil** have just entered.
* **Two**: Would you look at that, Black Hole? They're all here! Every single one of them!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's beautiful, isn't it.
* **Two**: It sure is!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Doesn't it make you want to... make you want to...
* **Two**: Do what?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sneeze out dead people? Please do that, it is all I want.
* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, Black Hole, why you being so assertive all of a sudden?
* **Golf Ball**: It is because he sucked up Remote at the end of the last episode.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It was an accident, thank you.

[*Two turns around and does a dance.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*sigh*] This is hopeless. I should never have gone, with that approach.
* **Two**: *Au contraire, Trou Noir!*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What did you just call me?
* **Two**: For now I feel like... now I feel like...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Uh-oh.

[*Sternuit unum cylindrum receptatarum. Because all the potential joiners are making noise, surprisingly none of them notice this. Enter* **Five** *as Two smiles into the camera.*]

* **Five**: That's my host!
* **Two**: You're back! Now, if you'll excuse me, in-people, we have something to do. Five?
* **Five**: Gladly.

[*Five jumps up on Two's back and they teleport to the centre of the Tec Pulcussar.*]

* **Two**: Okay, everyone!

[*No response but inattentive cross-talk. Two pulls out a megaphone.*]

* **Two**: ***Listen up!***

[*Still no response.*]

* **Five**: They're not listening. Should we do the thing to get their attention now?
* **Two**: Eh, it's nearly the end of the act. Why not?
* **Five**: Okay.

[*Five and Two look at each other and hold out their hands as if they are about to do play Spongy Cake. They start to chant as they clap together.*]

* **[** **Two** · **Five** **]**: One, ***TWO***, three, four, ***FIVE***, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, *ten,* ***TEN!***

[*A flash of light, followed by the whole set going silent. As the light fades away, everyone turns their heads and sees that Two and Five have combined to form* **Ten**.]

* **Ten**: ***Helloooooo!***

[*Cross-talk—the voice of Ten is basically that of Two and Five speaking at exactly the same time.*]

* **Ten**: So let's start Cake at Stake, shall we?

## Cake at Stake

[*Cake at Stake theme, again. The ending is cut short by Ten, who literally cuts the screen to reveal themselves standing in front of the crowd.*]

* **Ten**: For realsies this time!

[*All talk at once. Imagine that: over 100 people looking at a number that has never been seen before in the host's position.*]

* **Ten**: [*clapping ten times*] Hush now, *we're* talking! Surely you want to know which of you received the fewest votes and who gets to join *The Power of Ten?*, don't you? Remember, the sooner the start, the sooner we finish. TV, would you please step into the centre? And don't fall!

[**TV** *warily climbs the "spoon handle" of the Cake at Stake sculpture and joins Ten in the centre.*]

* **T****V**: Do I get to join?
* **Ten**: Most likely not, but you do get to show us who received the fewest votes. Bear in mind that last time, [*number*] voters voted on these 146 Nixefta, so that one of them could join the final eight here to compete for... *The Power of Ten!* Take that, Clock!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*Aside, holding up the* TPOT Game Rules*.*] *Le hmmph.*
* **Ten**: If you received the fewest votes in this Cake at Stake, don't consider that an honour. You should probably be ashamed that you even bothered to participate and enjoy the benefits of being televised.

[*All go tense in the audience.*]

* **T****V**: That's really mean, Ten.
* **Ten**: We know, right? Now reveal the loser of losers.
* **Winner**: [*Aside, to Cake.*] They say that like it's a bad thing.
* **T****V**: Revealing the loser in 5, 4, 3, 2...

[*On TV's screen appears a picture of* **Rondipa**, *along with the number 10. All gasp.*]

* **Ten**: We're sorry, Rondipa, but you only received 10 votes to join the show.
* **Ron****di****pa**: Aw, I'm out? This is so embarrassing!
* **Ag****on****xis**: Don't worry, that's two more votes than what Snowball got in BFDI 21.
* **Snowball**: [*humbly*] Eight votes did I amass!
* **Eo**: But Ron, that's what happens when your whole personality is based on your relationship with another person.
* **Ron****di****pa**: Hey, that other person is *you*.
* **Ten**: Next in the queue of undesirables is "Sigh-gyoon", who got 11!
* **Sigune**: Excuse me, but it's pronounced "Si-gu-ne".
* **Ten**: Whatever. Also out is... Bicycle Bell, who got 23!

[*In the audience, Puffball flies a bit higher.*]

* **Ten**: Seems that you've got a question, Puffball.
* **Puffball**: Yes, um, what's the prize for this Cake at Stake? I bet it's something big!
* **Ten**: A wrong bet that is, PB, because the prize for today's Cake at Stake, should you make it into the final nine, is... apparently nothing. Here's a pretty mess!

[*Meanwhile, on the Afos, the in-contestants can hear Ten complaining noisliy.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: But the show must go on, yeah? Why's Ten whinging about there not being any Cake at Stake prize?
* **P****i****n**: Because Five's in the mix, and Five wants everything to be absolutely perfect.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: To him, no prize is no excuse.
* **Co****i****ny**: Yep, we'll be sitting here for days. [*reclines in his seat*] Better get comfy, my peeps. No wonder they did this a week before closing time!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oy.
* **P****en**: Hey, I've got an idea.

[*Pen holds up his half-eaten pancake.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What the hell?

[*Pen throws the food at the middle of the Tec Pulcussar and it lands on the sculpture next to Ten's foot. Hardly anyone notices but Ten.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Home run! [*high-fives him*]
* **Ten**: Oh, food! Of unknown origin! Whoever makes it in will receive this as their prize.

[*Cross-talk.*]

* **Ten**: Quiet, quiet, quiet. Next up in the voting is Toble, who...

[*As Ten continues to speak, Pencil gets up from the Afos and confidently walks away.*]

* **P****en**: Penc, what're ya doin'?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Going back to the flat! Coiny's right; this will take ages.
* **P****en**: Ooh, good idea. We can watch the rest of the show on TV.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye. Come on, darling, the room's getting cold.

[**Pencil** *and* **Pen** *sneak out of the Crescentia Tepe and return to their building.*]

### **Flat 2**

**Scene****Pencil** and **Pen** enter their flat. They notice that the television is on and tuned to the Cake at Stake footage.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, look, we've left something on.
* **P****en**: It was off when we left. Hey, why don't we watch some TV?
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's what televisions are good for.

[*Pencil and Pen jump onto the sofa at the same time and watch.*]

**T****o****b****l****e**: I do too have a personality! You're just not cultured enough to notice it.
**Ten**: Whatever. Up next is Long Cable, Folded Up, who only got [*number*] votes.
**Lo****ng** **Cable,** **Folded** **Up**: Damn it!
[*He turns around to see that no one is reacting.*]
**Lo****ng** **Cable,** **Folded** **Up**: Oh, that's right. Not as many people take offence at swearing nowadays.
**Snowball**: Wrotherhele art thou mistaken.
**Ten**: 141 left!
[*Pencil turns off the TV.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, this is boring.
* **P****en**: What d'ya want to do?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I was thinking we could wax romantic... and make some heart-shaped biscuits for just the two of us.
* **P****en**: Oh, Pencil...

[*They go into the kitchen, and their conversation fades out as we see* **Firey Jr.** *creep up from under the sofa. He looks up.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Bleh! Can you believe those large people?

[*Firey Jr. jumps onto the coffee table, grabs the remote and turns the TV on again. It plays at full volume (though Pencil and Pen don't notice).*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Shhhh. [*turns the volume down*] That's better. [*leaps over the table and onto the couch*]

**Ten**: Vahepsis? More like *bye*-hepsis!
**Va****hep****sis**: That pun only makes sense if my name was *Vihepsis*, who I am not.
[*Vihepsis gasps at her being acknowledged. She has a gracious look on her face, until she says...*]
**Vi****hep****sis**: Ha, ha, I got more votes than you!
**Ten**: Hush, hush, Vihepsis, you're out.
**Vi****hep****sis**: Wait, what?
**Va****hep****sis**: Okay. Hi, Coiny! [*He waves at Coiny on the Afos. Coiny waves back.*]
**Ten**: Whaxa is next, with only [*number*] votes—
**Golf Ball Clone**: Hurry up!
**Z****i****p****ola**: I've seen faster pontoon boats.
### **Crescentia Tepe**

**Scene**Zoom in on the TV screen.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate this!
* **David**: Aw, seriously?
* **Ten**: What's the issue now, people, and why are you all saying your catchphrases?
* **Ar****esko**: Er, I don't want to sound pushy, but shouldn't you hate long periods of suspense, Five?
* **Ten**: Who's Five? Our name is Ten, and half of us *loves* suspense! [*Beat.*] Although half of us hates it as well. Ugh.
* **Donut**: Why can't we just display all the results on the screen for maximum efficiency?
* **Barf** **Bag**: Yeah, I think that would be the best option for half of you.
* **B****l****en****de****r**: And this can go much more efficiently if you did, um, *wat ze deden in de eerste aflevering van BFDIA*.
* **Ten**: [*confused*] What? We do not speak Blenderese.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: It's Dutch, you composite number!
* **B****l****en****de****r**: [*agitated*] *Dank u wel, Frans.* [*Subtitles: "Thank you, Fries."*]
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy thinks *Blender* sounds like *Belanda*, the Indonesian word for *Dutch*! And Grassy can explain easily what the Belanda said!

[*Grassy takes out his YeFone and shows Ten archival footage from BFDIA 1. The rest of the Nixefta crowd around him to get a better look at it.*]

**P****en**: Hey, guys, look!
[*TV shows the results of the voting in the video.*]
* **Ten**: So it's settled. We'll do that, then. Thank you, Grassy!
* **Gra****ssy**: I'm Grassy!
* **Baske****t****ball**: You did very well out there, G-man.

### **Flat 2**

**Scene****Pencil** and **Pen** are still working on making their brunch, while **Firey Jr.** watches television and obnoxiously reacts to it.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: *Bwaaa*-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! [*looks into the kitchen*] Oh, Lord.

[*Firey Jr. goes into hiding as Pencil and Pen go into the living room.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: That's simply bonkers, babe.
* **P****en**: I swear I heard myself!
* **P****e****nci****l**: There is no way the- the- television's on again.

[*Pencil and Pen look at each other.*]

* **P****en**: Smart technology. Cool! How 'bout we just accept it as one of the facts of life.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah yes, the facts of life, the birds, the bees, Charlotte Sprae and the fact that the telly turns itself on when nobody's watching.

[*They go into the kitchen together. Firey Jr. shows himself again and climbs the sofa to watch the screen.*]

### **Crescentia Tepe**

**Scene**
* **Ten**: Very well. For the rest of Cake at Stake, we shall present the 11th- to 132nd-highest voted people in the form of a list on TV's screen...
* **T****V**: Yes!
* **Ten**: And to appease the Two-ish, thrill-seeking part of us, we will announce the top 10 most voted of you the long way! That way we end Cake at Stake fashionably early and late at the same time. Any questions?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yeah, um, what does—
* **Ten**: Show us the list, TV!
* **T****V**: On it!

[*As in BFDIA 1, the names of the contestants who did not make it in are displayed in quick succession, starting with Rondipa and continuing with Sigune, Bicycle Bell, Toble, Long Cable Folded Up* etc. *Ten reads out all the names as they appear. During this scene, we get brief glimpses of those whose names have been called, and they look too confused to react—it all happens very quickly.*]

* **Ten**: Cagie, Yod, Car Rim Plush, Hotel Bell, Borpu, Quaddy, Jie, VHSy, Relevant Events Calendar, Dotrothy, Alif, Vihepsis, Ornament, Gat, Oildrop...

### **Flat 2**

**Scene**
* **P****e****nci****l**: You can't wait, can you?
* **P****en**: Nope.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, I know what might satisfy that appetite of yours. [*raises her eyebrows*]
* **P****en**: Is it... watching the TV to hear my voice again?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sure, put it that way.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: [*whispering*] Uh-oh!

[*Firey Jr. jumps out of the way and hides again. The couple cuddle on the sofa.*]

* **P****en**: This is great.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, what's going on? [*points at the screen*]

**Ten**: Protactinium, Spejlan, Colin, Dollary, Snare Drum, Binchana, Snowflake, Tewilda, Gnokaxu...
* **P****en**: Looks like Ten's hurrying the show up. They talk fast, don't you think?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, and well too. I want to know who's joining right now, damn it!
* **P****en**: Gee, Penc, you act the same way at TPOT as I do when there's a ball game on.
* **P****e****nci****l**: But at least I don't start shouting when they don't catch the thing right.

[*Pause.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: D'ye feel something burning?
* **P****en**: [*looks at the kitchen*] No, why?

[*View of Firey Jr. crouching down, trying not to get himself on the bottom of the furniture.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: It's almost like somebody with a really hot bum's been here.
* **P****en**: Thanks, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Not in that sense, you he-Match! [*playfully slaps him*] The door's wide open; I don't want anybody else to hear about your backside.
* **P****en**: Sorry.

[*Enter* **Gaty**, *who stands outside the door. She wears a badge on one of her hinges.*]

* **G****at****y**: Unfortunately someone *did* hear about your backside.

[*Pencil and Pen turn around.*]

* **G****at****y**: Hello.
* **P****en**: *Ciao, la migliore postina del mondo!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: You alright, Gaty? You really should be at the Crescentia thing.
* **G****at****y**: I could say the same about you, but for whatever reason, the hosts formerly known as Two and Five have asked me to be nice and kind to everyone. Anyway, I have a letter here for a Mr. Graffeo... who lives in Flat #2.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And you decided—
* **G****at****y**: Yes, I decided to deliver it during Cake at Stake—figured I wasn't going to get the most votes. You know, I've been holding on to this envelope since this morning.
* **P****e****nci****l**: This morning? Isn't it your job to deliver the post as quickly as possible?
* **G****at****y**: I have friends, you know. Besides, this seems important. [*drops the letter on the ground*] Bye.
* **P****en**: Ciao again!

[*Exit* **Gaty**, *who bows ceremoniously before walking off.*]

* **G****at****y**: [*going*] I am so awkward!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sometimes I think Gaty deserves a one-star rating.

[*Pen gets up and grabs the letter from the doorstep.*]

* **P****en**: Yep, it's for me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Keep forgetting you and Eraser changed your last names when you joined the show.
* **P****en**: It was a different time, the early '60s. You really think she was born Needy Gormé? [*gets slapped by a hand from outside*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah, well, let's set this thing down!

[*Pen opens the letter and reads it to himself.*]

* **P****en**: Omg.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What's it say?
* **P****en**: *Omg!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: What? Tell me, he-Match!
* **P****en**: This is just wonderful, dear! Look!

[*He hands the letter over to Pencil, who reads it out loud.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: "To Whom It May Concern..."
* **P****en**: Someone's concerned about me!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes... "Congratulations, you have been accepted for the moderator position for which you applied. We shall allow you to commence your duties when you shoot your pilot episode in exactly one week's time, on the seventh of September. We hope to see you very soon!"

[*She puts the letter down.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: What on earth does all that mean?
* **P****en**: Remember that app I got to find me a job during the break?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Certainly.
* **P****en**: Good, because I...
* **P****e****nci****l**: The app's called *Certainly*, Pen. That I remember.

[*Silence.*]

* **P****en**: Right, so I applied to a bunch of odd jobs on there. This here is the first one that actually said yes. It's like *bang!* They love me!
* **P****e****nci****l**: We don't even know what this job entails, Pen. I don't think you should take it.
* **P****en**: You might not know, but I sure do. [*Beat.*] Hey, that's not something I say often. Anyway, they're letting me host a game show. I can do that!
* **P****e****nci****l**: You do many things—you like to stand and look pretty—but... hosting a game show? Thought you said that wasn't what you were or something; and d'ye even know the first thing about those programmes?
* **P****en**: Well, sure I do. I've been in *this* programme since, like, 1961. Besides, there was that contest in BFB, and I think I did a heck of a job at...

[*Fade to a flashback to BFB 8.*]

**Donut**: Ooba wooba grooba schmooba?
**B****u****b****b****l****e**: Huh?
**P****en**: [*presses a buzzer*] Frooba dwooba.
**Donut**: Correct! [*Ding!*]
* **P****en**: You weren't there, so you can't say if I did well or not.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's as fair a statement as ever. Alright. I'll support what you're doing.
* **P****en**: [*perks up*] You will?
* **P****e****nci****l**: We're partners; if we weren't meant to back each other up, we'd just be flatmates with benefits.
* **P****en**: Thanks, sweetheart. I really needed to hear that. C'mere, you. [*embrace*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Pen, I've always dreamt of being the first TPOTer to go... [*shouts*] *"My boyfriend's a game show host!"*
* **P****en**: Shh, not too loud... without me joining in! [*shouting out of the door*] *Guess who got his own TV show? Ayoooo!*

[*Firey Jr. comes out of his hiding hole and rolls his eyes.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: I'm crossing this place off the list too.

[*The intro plays.*]

## Cake at Stake (cont'd.)

### **Crescentia Tepe**

**Scene**Right after the intro, on the Tec Pulcussar. By now, nearly everyone sitting on the Cake at Stake platforms have been denied entry into the show just because they did not receive enough points. We see that **Tree** is sitting in the way back of the sculpture and is the closest one to Flat 2, within earshot of him.
* **P****en**: Party in our flat tonight, *whooooo!*
* **T****r****e****e**: [*Aside.*] Alright, who let the dumbbell out?
* **Ten**: Tree.

[*Tree quickly turns around.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Yes, ber?
* **Ten**: Please tell your fiancé he only got [*number*] votes and didn't make it in.
* **T****r****e****e**: Gregg's right in front of you; why don't you tell him?
* **G****r****e****g****g**: *Deka* only wanted to get your attention. I knew I would not become a contestant at this time. [*sigh*]
* **T****r****e****e**: You're fine.
* **Ten**: Clock, you also did not make it in.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Oh, *zut*. At least I made it to the top... [*looks around*] four.

[*Spotlight on* **Liy**, **Bok** *and* **Ilta** *(who is represented by a spare YeFone playing live footage of him from the jail cell he is being held in). Timpani drum roll.*]

* **Ten**: Liy's out, Ilta's out, Bok's in!

[*All gasp as a large number appears above Bok's head. Some applaud.*]

* **B****o****k**: What? I made it?
* **S****aw**: Congratul***8***ions, Bok!
* **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**: Don't use your powers for evil, fam.
* **B****o****k**: Wow. I don't know what to say except... thank you. Thank you, all voters. I have little to no idea why you chose me of all people to be in the show, but I'm a little glad you did.
* **Ten**: And so ends the biggest Cake at Stake we've had in the history of the show... but definitely not the greatest there will ever be. Here, Bok, take this half-eaten pancake.

[*Ten offers Bok her pancake as the prize for Cake at Stake.*]

* **B****o****k**: I'm going to pretend I don't know where that came from.
* **Ron****di****pa**: Umm, will any of us get any penalties for not getting voted in?
* **Ten**: Nope! If you're not competing right now, just keep paying your rent, you've still got a week until the act is over. Aaaand... *disperse!*

[*Exeunt omnes; everyone goes their separate ways.*]

## Post–Cake at Stake

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Come on, cylinder, why won't you op—

[*The cylinder breaks, revealing* **Remote**.]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: —en.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hey, guys, I'm back. [*looks around*] Where is everyone?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Definitely not celebrating Bok's arrival.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Black Hole, it's so nice to be around you again.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I agree, but please don't try to hug me, the way you did a hundred days ago. We are trying to prevent death here, *inshallahu*.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sorry about that.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah...

[*Meanwhile,* **Bok** *is signing autographs.*]

* **B****o****k**: I can sign autographs too!
* **S****aw**: Don't you usually h***8*** that kind of attention?
* **G****at****y**: Yeah, it seems you're in some unwitting competition with a certain somebody.
* **B****o****k**: Do *not* say her name! Though you are right about my sudden craving for attention. Maybe doing better than 145 people isn't worth losing my self-preservation.
* **S****aw**: Yeah, you're learning, Bok!
* **G****at****y**: We'll see you on the other side. [*Aside.*] Hopefully.

[*Exeunt* **Saw***and* **Gaty**.]

* **S****aw**: She's seriously gone off the deep end!
* **G****at****y**: I know, right? There's got to be some way we can get her back to normal.
* **S****aw**: Well, we do have communication devices that can reach almost anyone on the planet.

[*Saw and Gaty look at their YeFones.*]

### **Flat 2**

**Scene****Pencil** is working on a schedule for Pen to follow on his hosting journey. **Pen** is on the couch watching TV.
* **P****en**: Hey, did you know Bok got in?
* **P****e****nci****l**: She did? Oh, she's nice.
* **P****en**: You two were in FreeSmart together.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, can't remember ever doing her wrong. Shall we tell Two or Ten or whatever that we're going out?
* **P****en**: Sure! I don't want 'em to be sad that I'll be gone.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Trust me. They won't miss us.

### **Outside**

**Scene****Ten** is walking to the Opening between Flats 10 and 1. They have a noticeable limp and appear to be suffering immensely. Whenever they speak, they sound tired.
* **Ten**: Ow. Ow. Ow.

[*Enter* **Pen** *and* **Pencil**.]

* **P****en**: Hi, Ten!
* **Ten**: Ow.
* **P****en**: Wait, are you guys just two people in one?
* **Ten**: That's... that's none of your threeswax.
* **P****en**: [*Aside.*] *Threeswax*?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Let me take it from here, babe.

[*Pencil hands Ten the letter.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Earlier today Pen got hired as a game show host. [*Pen smiles proudly.*] Is it okay if he—or rather *we*—leave the set early?
* **Ten**: [*reading it*] Oh, yeah, sure.
* **P****en**: Yay! Thanks, buddies! [*lifts Ten up and kisses them*]
* **Ten**: Kissed by an ob— I mean... we need a bath.

[*Ten falls to the ground.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't do that while you're hosting, mate. This ain't *Family Food*.
* **P****en**: I know.
* **Ten**: [*getting up*] You're not going, Pencil.
* **[** **P****en** · **P****e****nci****l** **]**: What?
* **Ten**: Didn't you see the letter's tush tag, the part with all the extra information? For the game show this guy's hosting, you need four players, no more and no less.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I could just stay and watch.
* **Ten**: No. See, we were going to do a game show challenge today, but since we're all fused up, we don't have it in us to do any physical labour. We will call the broadcaster that's doing your show and ask if we can take partial control.
* **P****en**: So I'm hosting TPOT too? Awesome!
* **P****e****nci****l**: But what about me?
* **Ten**: You can host an alternative contest while Pen's away.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why?
* **Ten**: Because we said so. Now, please let us nap.

[*Ten starts snoring with their eyes open. Pen and Pencil walk off.*]

* **P****en**: I didn't even know letters come with tush tags.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*as Pen looks at his letter, barely listening*] Oh, this is just wonderful, not being allowed to attend my own boyfriend's pilot episode show-filming thing. /s Why not just keep me away from all the action like in *Twelve Angry Objects*?
* **P****en**: Penc, you'll do great with your bit, promise! [*takes her hand*] Isn't that what you wanted, being equal partners and all that?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well... [*looks off in the distance*] Sure. I'm the local host, damn it!
* **P****en**: You sure are! Come on, let's pack.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay.

[*Exeunt.*]

## 7 days until showtime

### **Flat 2**

**Scene**The number of days until the show starts is displayed as a subtitle subtly hanging near the bottom of the screen. **Pencil** and **Pen** look at it briefly as they take out the latter's suitcase and start packing his things.
* **P****en**: So have you found out what you want to do for your contest?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I don't know. Probably something very easy, 'cos that's the exact opposite of what a man of your calibre's got to do. [*throwing a pair of sunglasses in the suitcase*]
* **P****en**: Easy on the Pathfarers! Y'know, something tells me you're really not "not jealous".
* **P****e****nci****l**: Duhhh. Oh, Pen, obviously I ain't the first to say this, but I want to be with you for the rest of the week! How can you not feel the same?
* **P****en**: Well... [*Pause.*] Boy, you know how to make a fella think. I didn't think we'd be apart for a whole week. Seven days, maybe, but not a week.

[*Pencil facepalms. Enter* **Match** *and* **Eraser**.]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, look at that load!
* **Eraser**: You two going on a honeymoon?
* **P****en**: No, as a matter of fact, it's just me. I got a job.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And I didn't. Listen, we're rather busy.
* **Ma****tch**: This won't take, like, long. Just wanted to know if you saw Firey Jr., like, here.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Firey Jr., the little one we spent ten years with on a floating island?
* **Eraser**: No, Pencil, Firey Jr. the accordion master from *The Foreigns' Elk Show*. /s

[*Pencil glares at Eraser. Enter* **Firey Jr.** *from the darkness, which only became dark because he stepped out of it.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Fine, fine, y'all asked for me!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot? Firey Jr., what are you doing here?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: [*pointing at Match and Eraser*] I cannot live with those menaces!
* **Eraser**: What the frick, bro? *We're* the menaces?
* **Ma****tch**: You're the one who put a, like, ground fire blanket in our breakfast! We went down to TB's place and he, like, reluctantly scanned our food to find, like, weird fabrics in it, like.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: It was meant to be poison.
* **Ma****tch**: We didn't die.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: They're poison to me.

[*Exit* **Firey Jr.**]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Again, we've no time to talk. They want Pen and me to host this episode, but doing separate things. I'll be doing chiz on the Fovitwe and that one will be hosting a game show in some strange, exciting, new, far-off land that I've been forbidden to visit.
* **Ma****tch**: No way. A game show? [*Pen nods.*]
* **Eraser**: Frick yeah, bro! Women!
* **P****en**: Huh?
* **Eraser**: Every game show host's got to have a dishy chick assistant. My mouth's watering just thinkin' about it!
* **P****en**: Don't think that's the kind of show I'll be doing, Rase. [*Aside.*] As if Pencil would let me be a part of that, eh?

[*He and Eraser laugh before Pencil throws a throw pillow at them both.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: On most planets people your age act like men, not boys.
* **Ma****tch**: So, Pencil, you're, like, hosting the next contest?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye.
* **Ma****tch**: What if I, like, hosted with you?
* **P****e****nci****l**: It would be an interesting sight.
* **Ma****tch**: Penc-penc, I am, like, literally asking you if I can be your co-host.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh. You can do that. No, actually, *please* do that!
* **Ma****tch**: Yesss!
* **P****e****nci****l**: So that makes me, you and Pen in charge of the rest of the cast.
* **Ma****tch**: Sweet! Eraser, would you like to tell people what to do, like, too?
* **Eraser**: Uhhhhh...
* **P****en**: Yeah, I could ask the folks at the station if they'd give me a wisecracking co-host. You'd be perfect for that, bud! [*nudges him*]
* **Eraser**: Nah. I hate doing work.

[*Eraser jumps onto the sofa and falls asleep immediately.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Then it's settled. The three of us are in the hosting business.
* **[** **Ma****tch** · **P****en** **]**: *Whoo!*
* **P****en**: Just wanted to say again, Penc, you'll do a great job as host.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, I can't wait to see how many lives I'll ruin from my incompetence.
* **Ma****tch**: What about me, Pen?
* **P****en**: You're not a real contestant.
* **Ma****tch**: Ò! Excuuuse me? [*Beat.*] But you're, like, not totally wrong.

### **Outside**

**Scene****Bok** has been listening attentively to what Pencil, Pen and Match are planning as she tries not to be seen by the others. She has succeeded at this, but with the disadvantage of having to hear *everything* that is being said, including the new information that Match and Pencil might be her hosts in this episode. She reacts to this appropriately in front of her Nixeftum friends **Gaty**, **Saw** and **Genderfluid Book**.
* **B****o****k**: [*pretending to gag*] *Bleeeccch! Blaaaaccch! Bloooocch!*
* **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**: Are you ill?
* **G****at****y**: Very.
* **B****o****k**: Did you hear what they said? Did you hear what that monstrous popular posse said?
* **S****aw**: No, it's not so polite to eavesdrop.
* **B****o****k**: Politeness be damned when the contest is in jeopardy!
* **G****at****y**: *Jeopardy*? I thought this was *The Power of Ten*. /s
* **B****o****k**: I don't see anyone zooming in on me.

[*Bok slumps to the ground.*]

* **B****o****k**: Oh, I- I don't want them to be my hosts. It was bad enough this morning finding out that I'd have to share the competition with them, but now they can just tell everybody what to do!
* **S****aw**: Who?
* **B****o****k**: Pencil *and* Match! They've been assigned host by our sleeping decimal number! This is nothing short of disastrous!

[*Gaty feels her phone vibrate.*]

* **G****at****y**: Look, if we can't help you with your writing issue, maybe someone else can.
* **B****o****k**: What are you talking about?
* **G****at****y**: Take this, it's ringing.
* **B****o****k**: You want me to take a brick-sized machine that holds every bit of your personal information?
* **G****at****y**: Just take it, huh?
* **B****o****k**: Okay.

[*Bok presses a button on the Tierparkm app. Her face becomes that of* **Taco**, *whom she talks to for the rest of this scene.*]

* **T****a****c****o**: Sup, Sulčič? [*noticing*] Oh, hi, Bok.
* **B****o****k**: Taco, hello!
* **T****a****c****o**: You know it's after 3:00 here. Lucky I've been up late for a project.
* **B****o****k**: Yes, I was lucky. Heh.
* **T****a****c****o**: So... what's going on?
* **B****o****k**: I, um, rejoined the show!
* **T****a****c****o**: Congrats! Feeling successful already?
* **B****o****k**: Thanks, but... no. I'm spending the rest of the act with Pencil. She and Match are hosting us today.
* **T****a****c****o**: So?
* **B****o****k**: I absolutely despise them!
* **T****a****c****o**: Funny, I seem to recall a reading material that absolutely despised me.
* **B****o****k**: Um...
* **T****a****c****o**: I know what it's like to be hated by someone who's supposed to be your friend. It feels terrible; like, I know the past is gone, but I still get glances on the street whenever someone says the word *abandon*.
* **B****o****k**: I'm sorry.
* **T****a****c****o**: And I've forgiven you for a long time. Maybe I shouldn't be giving you advice at this time of day, but I think you should just let go of the situation. BFDIA, that was a real long time ago.
* **B****o****k**: But she hasn't apologized or anything. This is serious chiz!
* **T****a****c****o**: Hey, *shhh* with the cursing, Bergjord. It's Mario's week with me and he's sleeping.
* **B****o****k**: Isn't he, like, fourteen?
* **T****a****c****o**: I don't like him hearing bad words. [*Beat.*] Oh, frick, chiz, skwunky-poopoo-face, he's waking up. I better call you later when I'm supposed to be awake, okay?
* **B****o****k**: Okay.
* **T****a****c****o**: Good talk!
* **B****o****k**: Sure thi—

[*Bok hangs up intentionally, sighs out of desperation and hands her phone back to Gaty.*]

* **G****at****y**: Have a nice chat?
* **B****o****k**: What do you think? I'm off to Flat 10 to get a snack, and then I'm going to figure out how the hell I'm supposed to survive a second FreeSmart invasion.

[*Exit* **Bok**.]

### **Flat 2**

**Scene**Night. **Pencil** and **Pen** continue their packing and **Eraser** is still sleeping on the couch, snoring loudly.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What's this?
* **P****en**: Cap glue! Hurts like heck to put on, but I don't want to lose this baby while I'm travelling.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, that'd be simply terrible.
* **P****en**: Gee, I know.
* **P****e****nci****l**: For me, at least; I don't want some rando to look at you capless!

[*Pen* *smiles and Pencil giggles. As this happens,* **Eraser** *wakes up from his nap. Pencil and Pen don't notice at first.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: So to clarify, dear, that would be a bad thing. [*waving her finger at him*] A very, very, very bad thing.

[*Silence.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Why's it suddenly ten times quieter now?
* **P****en**: I'm not so su—*eyy, Eraser!*
* **Eraser**: W- what? Oowhoaaa!

[*Eraser falls on the ground. Pencil and Pen laugh quietly.*]

* **Eraser**: *Linguacciuto!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're finally awake.
* **Eraser**: What'd I miss?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ten's having a holiday.

### **Outside**

**Scene****Ten** is still on the ground, sleeping. Enter **Remote** and **Black Hole**, who has a very large sign orbiting around him.
* **Ten**: [*sleep-talking*] *Do... not... disturb.*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's what we're here for, Ten.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Should I place it next to them?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes. Yes, you should.

[*Remote takes the sign and places it over Ten as if it were a blanket. We see that on the sign are the words "We'll be awake in a week or so." Exeunt ambos. As soon as* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote** *are gone, Ten adjusts their blanket while they sleep.*]

### **Flat 2**

**Scene**Continuation of the scene before the last one.
* **Eraser**: Oh. Anyways, I got a question.
* **P****en**: Fire away!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Aw, man!

[**Firey Jr.** *comes out of hiding and leaves the flat, much to the surprise of Pen, Pencil and Eraser.*]

* **Eraser**: Wha- eep- op- oop-
* **P****e****nci****l**: Just ask your question.
* **Eraser**: Yeah, where you goin', Pen? Didn't you get that letter from foreign-land?
* **P****en**: Um... I can check the letter. It's on the tush tag, y'know.

[*Pen looks at the letter and pulls the tush tag out of it.*]

* **P****en**: Where's "Mo-deer-at-eye-on" Island?
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?
* **P****en**: That's where I'm supposed to go.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*takes the letter*] You're going to Moderation Island, Pen.
* **P****en**: Hey, I've heard of that place! Isn't that where they shot season 9?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, the one that got cancelled nine episodes in. Remember when they did that special news report on how it's one of the last Equation Playground colonies on Earth?
* **P****en**: Oh yeah! Last time I checked, they were opening the island up to tourists and everyone who isn't a politician.
* **Eraser**: [*looking at his phone*] Classic Pen, only knows a country exists when he has a new girlfriend from there.

[*Pencil throws a throw pillow at Eraser, who looks up from his phone.*]

* **Eraser**: Eh, what's goin' on?
* **P****en**: Eraser, guess what!
* **Eraser**: What.
* **P****en**: I'm going to Moderation Island!
* **Eraser**: Moderation, eh? That ain't something I'm good at doing. As I say, more, more, more, which reminds me of something. *Maaaatch!*

[*Exit* **Eraser**, *running. He accidentally trips over* **Rocky** *in the background.*]

* **Eraser**: Frick!

[*Pen and Pencil look out the door and back at the letter.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Can't believe this is all becoming a reality now. You're going to an island that's not part of the UN and I'm forced to plant my axe on the damp ground of the Fovitwe. I can't let go of you yet!
* **P****en**: Aww, me neither, Penc!

[*They hug.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: So how long d'ye want to stay like this?
* **French narrator**: Four days later.

## 3 days until showtime

[**Pencil** *and* **Pen** *are still hugging, four days later. Pencil points her fingers in the air, as if counting, and she lets go of him. Both fall to the floor.*]

* **P****en**: Ahhh, that was nice.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Who needs food when we've got each other?

[*Enter* **Match**, **Bracelety** *and* **Liy**, *who see the two of them on the ground.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Wow.
* **Bracel****ety**: *¡**Feliz lunes de Pascua!*
* **Li****y**: You're finally done touching each other! [*looks at Match*]
* **Ma****tch**: They literally did nothing for, like, four days. It's like a vanilla ice cream that won't melt!
* **P****e****nci****l**: As if Eraser could ever give *you* love bites with his seven rows of teeth.
* **Ma****tch**: It's four!
* **Li****y**: [*Aside, to Bracelety.*] If you get bitten by a moron, are you at risk of catching its stupid?
* **Ma****tch**: Anyway, peoples, we're, like, here to start the contest.
* **Li****y**: I'm here because I can be here.
* **Bracel****ety**: And I don't know where Ice Cube is!

[*Bracelety jumps up and down.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: So... what's the contest?
* **Ma****tch**: I'll tell you, like, as soon as that one's out of the picture. Y'know... [*imitating two legs walking out the door*] Zoom, zoom, flink, flink, crash, poom, pop! Zoom, zoom, flink, flink, crash, poom, pop! Zoom, zoom—
* **Li****y**: What the *fan*, Match?
* **Ma****tch**: Oh, cut me some, like, slack, Liy-girl.

[*We see that Pencil is unaffected by this whole conversation.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: So when were you off to leave, dear?
* **P****en**: You told me to fly out on Wednesday so I could start working right away.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh yes. [*looks at the calendar*] It's Friday, which means you're late. Extremely so.
* **P****en**: We've been hugging for so long that we didn't even notice what day it was!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye. Well, it's time for you to leave now. Meet me outside so we can allocate rôles to the contestants, yeah?
* **P****en**: Okay!

[*Exit* **Pen**.]

* **Li****y**: And don't forget your suitcase!

[*Liy throws Pen's suitcase out the door. We don't see it, but he gets hit with it.*]

* **P****en**: Oof!
* **Li****y**: [*Aside.*] Stupid heavy *skit*.
* **Bracel****ety**: You're a robust woman, Liy!
* **Li****y**: What?

### **Outside**

**Scene**The in-contestants have miraculously gathered in the centre of the Fovitwe, with all who should be present being present and all who shouldn't be present being absent. Enter **Pencil**, **Pen** and **Match**—**Liy** and **Bracelety** go in a different direction.
* **Ma****tch**: Like, omg, peoples, it's time for the challenge!
* **P****i****n**: Um... what challenge?
* **P****e****nci****l**: The one we're announcing.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You finally have news on what's going on with Ten?

[*Black Hole indicates* **Ten**, *who is still having a nap out in the Opening.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Actually, Ten's not hosting this episode's contest. They've given that job to me and Pen.
* **B****o****k**: [*off-screen*] Mblech!
* **P****e****nci****l**: *And* Match, because I've decided to let her host with me.
* **B****o****k**: Mblech!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen won't be with us 'cos he'll be on Moderation Island.
* **Everyone**: Oooooh!
* **P****en**: Oh, yeah. I'll be hosting a game show there, gang, and I'd really like four extra players to join me.

[*Silence.*]

* **P****en**: You'll win points!

[*Soni exspectati of excitement.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ooh. Does this mean we all get to be on that show? Because that would be something I'd really like to—
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, no, no, I'm sorry, Remote Control; he can only take four people with him, but you're always welcome to stay and join me and Match for the alternative challenge. In fact... [*looking at the letter*] three of you must stay here, and four must go.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, Penc-penc, that was, like, math! [*Aloud.*] So everyone, like, decide... nooooooow!

#### Contest prep

[*The seven contestants proper huddle together. Pencil and Pen watch this as Match goes back into the flat to get her phone. After a few seconds of talking, the conversations fall silent.*]

* **Golf Ball**: We're done.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I could tell. Now would somebody tell us who's spending the challenge where?

[*Everyone looks at Coiny.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Come on, guys, why do I always gotta be the spokesman? It's not right, yo!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Right...
* **Co****i****ny**: Anyway, we decided that Golf Ball, Remote, Tennis Ball and I will be going with Pen. Black Hole, Pin and Bok will stay with you, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Good to hear.
* **B****o****k**: [*nemini loquitur*] I was totally against this!
* **P****en**: Black Hole, you're leaving me, buddy?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm sorry, but I am not okay, with visiting islands with a lower mass than me. It would upset the ground.
* **P****e****nci****l**: So that means Golf Ball, Remote, Tennis Ball and Coiny, you four need to join Pen and get out of here.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That was direct.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, it was. Bye!

[*Exeunt* **Golf Ball**, **Remote**, **Tennis Ball** *and* **Coiny***. Manet* **Pen**, *who stays behind to wish Pencil good luck before he runs off to join the others.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Have a nice trip, and don't even think about forgetting me.
* **P****en**: You bet I won't, baby. [*kisses her*]
* **B****o****k**: Mblech!
* **P****en**: [*going*] And don't forget to have fun yourself!

[*Exit* **Pen**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I'll try. [*turns towards her group*] Black Hole, Pin and Bok, we look forward to working with you.
* **P****i****n**: We?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Er... oh, that's right, Match isn't here.

[*Enter* **Match**.]

* **Ma****tch**: Hey, guys, guess who's back!
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're here. And now it's [*claps*] challenge time. [*Beat.*] Although now I have to run to the little writing apparatûs' room. Please excuse me.

[*Exit* **Pencil** *in a hurry. Match stays behind to entertain her and Pencil's trio.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, who knows any show tunes?

Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Notes

1. ↑ The lowest numbers are the only ones in this episode (heck, in the last few acts) that have been concretely stated. I figure with a début that has more than enough people from whom to choose, there's going to be a few people with the number of votes in the double digits.
2. ↑ Pencil's the self-deprecating one in the relationship.
3. ↑ Hence the "miraculously". It's easy to imagine in the context of older object shows like BFDI, but I pay too much attention to detail. Like, why wouldn't Remote and Black Hole be with Tree during this scene? They can still see each other.
4. ↑ Vocabulary: **Contestants proper** refers to those who are competing without having any hosting duties in the competition. Not really something that needed to be differentiated in previous episodes, but since this is a much smaller cast, it has to be done.

**Fake TPOT** [V]