2017 Power Rankings-Week 1

<---Draft Analysis --- Week Two Power Rankings --->

## Introduction

Once upon a time, in a land of Beast Modes and Beards, there were ten hopeful teams wandering together in search of a mythical treasure...A trophy said to rid those who held it of all fantasy scars. A goblet forgiving its bearer of mistakes past, present, and even future. A talisman against all shit talk. A chalice that runneth over with vindication. This eternal cup promises the most powerful drug known to fantasy: glory.

Ten hopeful travelers on a long journey across treacherous lands searching for their eternal cup of glory. Only one will make it to the end of the perilous trail. Only one will have their fairy tale ending.

Yes, it has been a nice relaxing summer. The greatest struggle for me was comforting my girlfriend when her herb garden wouldn't grow. Maybe she didn't space the seeds out enough. Maybe it's too hot on the windowsill. Who knows? But now...now it's time for Stress Level Midnight. The quest for happily ever after has begun.

## Ten Hopeful Travelers (AKA Week One Power Rankings)

The Fantasy Gods have spoken, and they are speaking of a revolution. 2017, by their account not mine, will be a year of upsets.

(#) = Last season's final standings

### 1 (3). RIPDab

RIP has a history of being just good enough to knock teams out of playoff contention, but not good enough to keep themselves in the Festival to the very end. No Glory Bowl appearances, and just one post-season victory against Glory Bowl Champions (1-5). This could be the year they turn the page, but they will probably make just enough stupid decisions to become the 4X Salty Dolphin Champion.

#### Fairy Tale Character: Puss in Boots

Puss in Boots is a cat who uses trickery to gain power. Also called “Master Cat,” Puss outsmarts all the humans in his kingdom and even defeats a shape-shifting ogre by coercing it into morphing to a mouse so he can eat it. RIP has always considered himself the master tactician in the league, but he’ll have to take over the kingdom before he’s regarded as anything other than a pussy in cleats.

### 2 (4). Garoppoblow Me

A week ago Fournette was projected as a top-10 back and now foot issues have his ADP dropping entire rounds. Gronk and Woodhead weren’t enough to sink GBM last year. Will Fournette and Nelson tank this title contender?

#### Fairy Tale Character: Jack the Giant Killer

 Often perceived as foolish and incompetent, Jack eventually sells off his family's greatest assets for a handful of beans. Lucky for him, those beans sprout a magical beanstalk and take him to a kingdom in the clouds. Good sleeper pick for Jack. This year, GBM has the chance to take down some Giants. But did he buy himself magical beans or are they going to turn out like his girlfriend’s herb garden?

### 3 (1). The Shotti Bunch

I originally felt there was no draft result that could knock The Shotti Bunch out of the top spot in our rankings. The perennial semi-finalist, Shotti is once again acting like he’s at the top of the food chain. That being said, Shotti is starting to give off that season seven Little Finger vibe (shoutout my Game of Thrones watchers). Is this the year he gets too clever for his own good?

#### Fairy Tale Character: The Big Bad Wolf

You can huff and puff all you want but you can’t stop the big bad wolf from coming to your doorstep and blowing your team down. For years he's had our rosters looking like sticks and hay, susceptible to the cold wind of a raider. Is this the year someone builds a house of bricks and takes the bad wolf’s breath away?

### 4 (7). Sweet Dee

Sweet Dee, aside from some big regular season victories against powerhouse teams, has never been relevant in December. That has the potential to change in 2017 if she learns from her Saints-related mistakes of yesteryear.

#### Fairy Tale Character: The Little Mermaid

Like the “evolution” fairy tale written by Charles Darwin, this story is about a fish who sprouts legs and walks on land like an ape. In order to be human, the little mermaid must sacrifice all she loves in the ocean. That means leaving behind all her flounder and dolphin companions. Sweet Dee has always lived in the shadow of her fellow sea creatures, but a postseason win could go a long way towards establishing Ariel’s true identity.

### 5 (9). Papa’s Posse

With every passing year, the Glory Bowl 1 championship becomes a more distant memory. Papa has missed the playoffs three times in the last five seasons and has not won a playoff game since 2011. Last year, a strong start quickly collapsed into a Million Dollar Game bid. Now it will take more than a strong September for this team to be taken seriously.

#### Fairytale Character: Geppetto

Geppetto is a one-hit wonder. So you made Pinocchio. What have you done for me lately? After accidentally creating a sentient being while trying to carve puppets to lift himself out of poverty, Geppetto has basically been coasting. In 2011, A miracle run gave Papa’s Posse a small taste of glory and riches. The first ever Eternal Cup of Glory. But years of low-class living in the standings has Papa back in the woodshop. Can the mastro carve himself another championship run, or has the magic run out? And should they change their team name to GeppettoBlow Me?

### 6 (6). Duck Punchers

Now two seasons removed from their championship, Duck Punchers has crept back into relevance and I see this team returning to dominance in 2017. The problem? Several other teams have mightily improved in the interim and the competition is stronger than ever. Initially ranked lower, I am buying into the strategy of DP’s WR-heavy offense, which I’ve decided to call “The High Flying Ducks.” And even though I predict they will go 13-0, the Matt Jinx leaves me no choice but to rank them 6th.

#### Fairy Tale Character: Beast

Hard times for the hairiest member of the LoC. Beast, a once charming and powerful prince, became too good for his own good and was cursed by...something (not really clear on that part). He was turned from a handsome man to a really badass looking wolf thing. In order to be turned back, he has to shave and make this smokeshow fall in love with him. So he captures her and scares her with talking clocks and homosexuality (I think that’s how the Emma Watson version goes…) until she submits to his heathen ways. Duck Punchers was a once great franchise that flew too close to the sun and has been nothing but a hairy shell of himself ever since. Is this the year he turns back into a title contender?

### 7 (5). Paddock 9

Rome wasn’t built in a day, right? At least that’s what Paddock 9 has to keep telling himself, as the P9 Renaissance hit another rough patch last Sunday. But we all know this team has sucked at drafting since the dawn of the dinosaurs so I’m not ready to write them off yet. And I still won’t be ready if they start 0-1 to the defending three-time champ. This season isn’t over until it’s over (or until they go winless in September).

#### Fairy Tale Character: The Seven dwarfs

Perhaps suffering from a case of schizophrenia, Paddock 9 can manage to be Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, and Bashful all in the span of one season, and at times one week. The dwarfs all work hard mining for diamonds in the rough, but when Snow White comes along and cleans their cottage, it distracts them from their work and leads them into years of trouble. Now Snow White is gone and they can get back to business. Is Paddock 9's season the diamond, or the rough?

### 8 (10). ma ma momma said

Momma will have to overcome steep odds in 2017. All eyes are on England as her majesty gets ready to unveil the London Offense, a rag-tag autodrafted squad the likes of which the LoC has never seen. True, the last time momma finished last (2011) they followed up with a championship. And if they get Zeke for more than his projected seven regular season games, this team could be dangerous.

#### Fairy Tale Character: Sleeping Beauty

Momma is the ultimate sleeper this season. Lying dormant for ages, Momma may be kissed by Prince Charming, or rather blessed with the drawn out court case of his criminal running back. If it is true love, the Princess may once again rise from her resting place and assume her spot in the royal family of elite teams. But if the love is not true, they will continue to rest in the Consolation Tournament.

### 9 (8). Pain Train WOO WOO

I may have predicted that Pain Train would make the playoffs, but I have to call ‘em how I see ‘em, and Pain Train is currently on the outside looking in. PT can quickly sneak out of the ninth spot with a good start to the season against Papa’s Posse, but until they prove they are for real in 2017 they are going to find themselves down here in the ghetto.

#### Fairy Tale Character: Grendel

Grendel is a monster described as "terrible to look upon," who meets his end after eating one too many sheep and having his arm chopped off by Beowulf. Truly, Pain Train's roster is tough to stomach. And since losing Glory Bowl III they have been hiding out in the swamps by the village like a boxer with no arms to punch with. Will this creature return to get its revenge, or is this team doomed from the start?

### 10 (2). JarJar Stinks!

The 2016 runnerup takes a huge hit in our opening power rankings. JJ underestimated just how crazy draft night is and half drafted/half autodrafted his lineup. Glory Bowl hangovers are real for everyone except The Shotti Bunch, so I worry about the success of this team.

#### Fairy Tale Character: Rumpelstiktskin

A manager able to spin his autrodraft into gold, Rumpelstiltskin possesses magical powers few can comprehend. But even mythical imps run out of straw, and the road to Glory is long. With Rump unwilling to sacrifice his firstborn son, will his fairy tale end in failure?

## Winning Percentages Based on Points Scored

I spent an insane amount of time creating this chart over the weekend. INSANE. But what you are looking at is your chance of winning based on how many points you score on any given week. The column on the right represents every game played in that score range and how many of those games were won. Yes, this involved me marking down every team's score every week for six years and whether or not they won or lost. Luckily that was only 802 games. I do these things for you. I do these things because I love you.

 This chart does not include playoffs...Yet.

Sorry to the one poor bastard out of 50 who scored over 270 and still lost. But the odds are in your favor if you can break 210 points and they shoot up a ton if you can get in the 220-240 range. You are pretty much untouchable if you go over 250, with only four losses out of 101. The bad news? The overwhelming majority of scored were between 180-220. I guess we'll all have to keep sweating it out every week.

## Poll Results

Which First Round Pick Will Likely Be a Bust?
 Odell Beckham Jr .
 Le'Veon Bell
 David Johnson
 DeVonta Freeman
 DeMarco Murray
 Antonio Brown
 Julio jones
 A.J. Green
 Todd Gurley

Which Team Had the Worst Draft?
 Pain Train WOO WOO
 ma ma momma said
 The Shotti Bunch
 JarJar Stinks!

Which Four Teams Will Miss Playoffs?
 Paddock 9
 JarJar Stinks!
 ma ma momma said
 RIPDab
 Duck Punchers
 The Shotti Bunch
 Sweet Dee
 Papa's Posse
 Garoppoblow Me

Which Two Teams Will Earn a Bye?
 RIPDab
 The Shotti Bunch
 Sweet Dee
 Papa's Posse
 Paddock 9
 Duck Punchers
 Pain Train WOO WOO
 JarJar Stinks!
 ma ma momma said

## Matchups of the Week

### The Undercards

#### RIPDab (220.92) vs. JJS (192.41)

* What to Watch: JJS has never lost on opening day. JJS has also never lost to RIPDab (2-0). However, RIP is the heavy favorite. RIP handpicked this matchup. Let's see if it pays off.

#### Paddock 9 (191.56) vs. The Shotti Bunch (221.13)

* What to Watch: TSB owns the series edge (5-1), but that one loss came in their most recent matchup: a week seven thriller last season. Both teams have taken heat for their unconventional drafts and will need the early win to quiet the noise.

#### The Duck Punchers (201.28) vs. ma ma momma said (230.34)

* What to Watch: Duck Punchers made it very clear in their draft analysis that they want blood. And this matchup is full of the bad kind. This is a Glory Bowl IV rematch. This is the first of a two game series. This is the first test for the London Offense and the High Flying Ducks. This is perhaps the only game we are seeing of Zeke Elliot until November. These teams have met a whopping 10 times and momma has only two wins. Momma is also the only active team with just one opening day win. Both teams are on two-game opening day losing streaks.

#### Sweet Dee (237.50) vs. Garoppoblow Me (224.87)

* What to Watch: Projected to be the highest scoring affair (don’t tell Nate), the Commish vs. Dee bout looks to be a potential playoff preview...but we all know how fantasy seasons go. GBM owns the series at 3-1 and this is the only time the two meet in the 2017 regular season. They have a combined opening day record of 6-4. Both teams are on a one-game opening day win streak. This will also be the best QB battle of the week with Brees vs. Brady. How will Dee adjust with Snead out? This game could very well come down to Monday Night Football.

### The Main Event

Papa’s Posse (202.62) vs. Pain Train WOO WOO (220.03)

* 2017 Wins
	+ Pain Train WOO WOO - 0
	+ Papa's Posse - 0
* Series Wins
	+ Papa's Posse - 6
	+ Pain Train WOO WOO - 5
* Combined Opening Day Record: 8-4
* Thursday Players on Roster
	+ Pain Train WOO WOO - 4
	+ Papa's Posse - 1
* Sunday Players on Roster
	+ Pain Train WOO WOO - 11
	+ Papa's Posse - 13
* Monday Players on Roster
	+ Pain Train WOO WOO - 1
	+ Papa's Posse - 2
* Players to Watch
	+ On Thursday, the season kicks off with NE Defense against KC Defense in a defining showdown for these two teams.
	+ On Monday, Julius Thomas will ride the bench for Pain Train after trade negotiations broke down between the two franchises earlier in September. Thomas was part of a package offered to Papa's Posse in exchange for Paul Perkins and Austin Hooper, two players also not starting this weekend.
	+ Theilen and Sanders will be tasked for making up any deficits for Papa's Posse as these two WRs both go Monday night against Pain Train TE Coby Fleener.

The last time these two teams saw each other was week 15 of last year, when Pain Train snapped Papa’s Posse’s 5-game series win streak. Papa and the Train have been giving us classics for years. They have met in the postseason four times in six seasons, including in the quarterfinals during Papa’s championship run. In recent seasons, the rivalry has once again intensified; the average margin of victory over their last four games is 5.42 points.

Win or lose, no one is crowning either of these teams. But expectations are high for Papa’s Posse, which means they really need to deliver. And the seat has never been hotter for Pain Train, which means they too need to deliver.

## Survivor

The whole league has been invited to play Survivor through Yahoo. You should all join as the winner will once again get to hand pick their first three opponents. Here is the link again for those who did not get an invite. ***s3dG*** is the password.

## New This Week

As part of a season long Head-to-Head grid phase out, I will be creating individual head-to-head pages for every team vs. every other team. At the conclusion of the year, the confusing and difficult-to-navigate head-to-head grids will be discontinued. This week I created the first of these grids:

* Papa's Posse vs. Pain Train WOO WOO
* List of Salty Dolphin Bowl Champions
* Winning Percentages Based on Points Scored

## Conclusion

Which team will have their happily ever after. Which teams will have their seasons strike midnight and turn back into pumpkins? As quick as the season has come upon us, soon it will be over. Enjoy opening weekend and the next 16 weeks of fantasy football. And thanks for coming back for another go with your friendly neighborhood Commish.

Until next time, Diggs out.

 9/6/17