Does Mother Know Best?

Does Mother Know Best? is the twelfth chapter in the Wombles Two.

“Well Mother is eating at my café, Tara is driving back here but Mrs Peel is obviously dead.  I think Dr Keel and Venus are dead.”  “OK Joe” said Cathy.  “To HQ!” said Steed.  They all headed there (the Avengers that is”.  On arrival Mother looked around at everybody.  “Let us get one thing clear Mr One Tenth of what I am, Mother knows best!” One Ten was a bit hurt but couldn’t be bothered to argue so he retired.  They had sandwiches, jelly, ice cream and cake then he left with a nice shiny card.

“No!” said a woman’s voice.  “Actually it is Father who knows best!”.  Mother was about to respond when a man said “It is Grandma who needs best!”. “Grandma!” said Mother and Father together.  “Yes! This is obviously an emergency so I am taking charge!  Now where is Mrs Peel?”  “Er she is sort of, well, a bit, quite a lot actually, dead.” Said Tara.  “No I’m not!” said Mrs Peel with Peter.  “I’m sorry about the evil.  Didn’t know that TODE were making do awful things.” Said Peter. “That’s OK” said Grandma.

Mrs Peel was quite wet, smelly and covered in blood.  “Mrs Peel!” shouted Class who had just come in with his window cleaners. They pointed the way and took her off to clean her.  Then Grandma issued special MP3 players to keep out TODE.  “What does it play?” asked Cathy.  “It runs on a loop Cathy, first Remember you’re a Womble then Kinky Boots and finally B U N G O” replied Grandma.  Steed and Cathy were pleased about Kinky Boots but not about the other songs.  Everybody else just slapped their foreheads but it was better than being evil.

Back at old the Dickensian house Yellowstone was in a coffin pretending to be dead. It was easy for him because of injuries from Idaho and Alderney.  Alderney was tied back to back with Bungo above a vat of Dis A/3 and Dis Y/2. Rover was hiding in the old creepy nursery pretending to be a normal ball.

The Avengers suddenly leapt in.  Most of the todies began to run, but ESP stopped them and said, “Don’t worry. It’ll be alright.  You’ll see.”  So the others stopped.  Steed, Cathy and Peter leapt at them, then stopped in front of them and turned around. “There are seven members of TODE.” Said Steed.  “And the ones you didn’t know about are me, Peter and Cathy.”  The avengers that weren’t secretly members of TODE blinked, then Mrs Peel said, “Peter!  Steed! You both betrayed me!”  “I know that, you don’t have to tell us.” Said Peter. “You forgot about Cathy.” Said Steed. “She doesn’t count!” said Mrs Peel. “Why?” asked Steed.  “Because I barely even know her anyway!  Mother is the one that she betrayed!”  “Yes, she did.” Said Mother.  “How did you not work out that we are members of TODE?” asked Peter. “A three piece suit with a bowler hat and umbrella is the TODE outfit!”  “Hang on though” said Mrs Peel, who didn’t want to be Mrs Peel anymore, “Not all of you are wearing that?”

“The leader has his own suit.” Said LSFS.  “And I am the leader.”  “I thought Steed’s Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Uncle Steed was.” Said Tara.  “Many people do.” Said LSFS.  “Hang on though” said Mrs Peel again.  “ESP and Cathy aren’t wearing that.”  “That’s because the women have a different outfit!” said LSFS, rather annoyed now. “Oh” said Mrs Peel.  “And what is their outfit?”  “Are you blind?”  “No.” “Then just look.”  “Oh, their outfit is leather stuff.”  “Yes!”  The avengers suddenly realised that Mother was wearing a three piece suit with a bowler hat and umbrella and Mrs Peel was wearing leather.  They all looked at them suspiciously.  “No!  We’re not members of TODE!” said Mother.  “These are just our clothes!”

The others weren’t sure but decided to believe them.  Everyone looked back at the todies, and the todies were pointing guns at them!  Mother just got out his own gun and fired it at Gus.

He dodged and it just missed Cathy.  “Whoops sorry didn’t mean to fire it at you!” said Mother.  “Why are you saying sorry?” asked Cathy.  “Well because you’re my wife.” Replied Mother. “I don’t want to be anymore.” Said Cathy and fired a gun at him.  It was easy for him to dodge because he did that every day in his diet.  “Hey!” he said.  “I don’t think I want you to be anymore either!”  “Ok then.” Said Cathy.  Mother was slightly upset that she hadn’t really loved him this entire time, but accepted it anyway.  SCS suddenly came up behind the avengers that weren’t secretly todies and knocked each of them out.