Season 2, Episode 15: California Pizza Kombat

*The following article contains spoilers for Season 2. Please listen to the season in its entirety or be warned!*

**California Pizza Kombat** is the 15th episode of season 2 of *Dungeons and Daddies*.

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## Description

*The teens get into some combat which requires the hosts of this podcast to play the game Dungeons and Dragons super hard.*

## Introduction

This intro is a Carl Sagan-style monologue that covers the Doodler's sky butt, the existence of Papa John as a tyrant, and how the teens almost killed themselves with a fireball and started driving in the Pussy Wagon with Hermie the Unworthy. The narrator (Carl Sagan himself) wants to get rid of children and no-good dipshit teens.

## Rad Facts

* Taylor Swift (Freddie Wong): Taylor's favorite pizza is sausage pizza. He likes different kinds of sausages and bell peppers. He does not want a supreme. Taylor asks (and never receives) all the toppings at any given pizza establishment.
* Lincoln Li-Wilson (Matt Arnold): Lincoln's favorite feeling is the space under his bed. He goes under there. It isn't dusty. It is very cool.
* Normal Oak (Will Campos): Normal's favorite pizza is pepperoni because it has "pep" in the name. Normal is a vegan, so he scrapes all the cheese and pepperoni off of it when he actually eats it. The pepperoni and cheese hurt his tongue.
* Scary Marlowe (Beth May): Scary often dreams about the merch she will sell when she's a world-famous big band punk rocker. One of the merch items she thinks about is pre-torn and pre-shredded pants with Velcro so you can please your mother. She calls them the Tear-Up Flare-Ups.
* Anthony Burch: Anthony had a fact he gave before the SD card broke and did not give it again.

## Plot Summary

Normal stomps on one of the guards holding him and uses his rocket boot to escape. The second guard grabs him by the non-jet-boot ankle and holds him like a kite. Normal tries to fight againsst the kick of the jet boot, but accidentally pile-drives himself into the ground. The jet boot fizzles; the second guard drags him toward the vat of cheese.

The Pussy Wagon finally arrives, carrying the other teens. The gates are open enough that a person could walk through, but a truck could not. Taylor drives gently through. Lincoln rolls down his window to ask if anyone has seen a boy "in a diaper and a cool band shirt." Someone in rags points toward the inside of the camp. When Scary asks what the line is for, the answer is pizza.

At the gate, behemoths with diamond-tipped spears try to get the teens to stop. Beyond the two guards, they can see the guard dragging Normal toward the vat of cheese and, in the distance, Papa John himself on his pizza throne. Taylor slams on the gas. Both of the spears plunk into the hood while he runs over the guards' feet. The guards try to dive away, but get their ankles destroyed.

The guard continues to drag a dazed Normal, so Taylor starts honking the horn and the teens yell to get his attention. Taylor starts circling the guard. Normal tugs the guy on the sleeve and, assuming he has a concussion, tells the guard that these are his friends.

Papa John extends his fingers to gesture at the Pussy Wagon. As he tells it to cease, his fingernails split open like the hood of a car and grease jets out of it. It lands in front of the car.

Lincoln leaps out of the car with his cleats on to keep him from slipping and tells Scary to come with him. He grabs one of the spears from the hood. Reluctantly, Scary also gets out of the car with her Kellog K'nife in hand. Hermie takes up the other spear at Taylor's instruction. Lincoln uses his Channel Divinity (Sacred Weapon) on the spear, which causes it to glow.

Papa John uses the hand on the arm with the cheese IV to signal for his guards (essentially his minions) to attack. Cheese spurts out of the needle. As the guards jump from the throne, the heat from the molten cheese warps the air. Two of them, in bright yellow armor with pepperoni rondels and toppings in their faces, rush forward.

The guard holding Normal drops him, then pulls out two diamond pizza cutters. Because he sees Lincoln coming at him, the guard swipes at him. Lincoln slide-tackles under the guard's legs and delivers a swift kick to the nuts. This knocks the guard over.

Papa John takes in a large breath of air.

Normal casts Spiritual Weapon. It takes the form of a spectral Teeny-shaped puppet with large gauntleted fists. Spectral Teeny Hulk-smashes the guard. It is a rather soft attack.

Taylor instructs Hermie (his best friend) to join him in his attack. Unfortunately, Taylor swing the wheel too hard and fast, hits a rock, and hurtles toward the cheese vat. Because of this, Hermie has nothing to slash at with the spear and his attack does nothing. The vat is a ground-level pool of cheese, so it is possible to drive into it. Taylor tells Hermie to take the wheel and jumps out. Hermie obeys. Taylor does a perfect double-shoulder roll and lands in the Blade pose. Behind him, the truck goes into the cheese, tipping it and flooding the cab. It hurts Hermie.

Scary considers using Spider Climb on the Pussy Wagon, but decides to use an Eldritch Blast with the intention of sending two guards into the vat. When it hits, Scary realizes that's not how force damage works. She decides she's never going to do a spell again, and she's going to her room. The boys remind her that they want to be spiderboys.

Link takes one of the diamond pizza cutters from the guard he hit in the balls. Link combines the idea of a sack race with a three-legged race by wrapping his leg around Normal's with the boot between the two of them. Link tells Normal they have to go after Hermie, and activates the jet boot. (Scary can take care of herself.) Lincoln hits the button and the two of them jet toward the cheese. They land on the flatbed. Lincoln starts cutting open the roof of the Pussy Wagon with his diamond pizza cutter.

Papa John's minions, having seen Lincoln and Normal run to the Pussy Wagon, decide to attack Scary and Taylor instead. One of them hits her in the shoulder with the spear, and Scary allows this because she thinks it's a cute table. Scary decides she needs attention. Taylor side-steps the spear coming at him. (Hermie tells him he looks cool.)

Papa John yells, "CHEW." A cone of cheese from his mouth and nose, much like a sneeze, expels from him. Taylor does a chuckle and an anime freeze-frame, and forget to react when the cheese comes at him. It hits Taylor in the teeth. Scary, who was reeling from her shoulder wound, gets hit in the chest. The cheese adheres both of them to the ground like webbing.

Normal and Lincoln, who are now friends thanks to the three-legged-sack-jet-boot race, decide that Normal is going to take the spear. Normal uses it to help Hermie out by breaking the window and helping him with pulling him up. Normal can't shatter the window, but manages to mark it.

[This will be finished later.]

## Trivia

* The SD in SD Card stanks for Sucking Dick.
* Lincoln's room is very clean. He has two Roombas that work in shifts. These Roombas are in love with each other.
	+ Sometimes, Lincoln wakes up to the sound of them under the bed.
* Will Campos is the Cool Touch.
* Normal wanted to do aerial silks, but almost killed himself while practicing in his backyard.
* Stomp is a band.
* The rules for Sacred Weapon are as follows:
	+ As an action, you can imbue one weapon that you are holding with positive energy, using your Channel Divinity. For 1 minute, you add your Charisma modifier to attack rolls made with that weapon (with a minimum bonus of +1). The weapon also emits bright light in a 20-foot radius and dim light 20 feet beyond that. If the weapon is not already magical, it becomes magical for the duration. You can end this effect on your turn as part of any other action. If you are no longer holding or carrying this weapon, or if you fall unconscious, this effect ends.
* Papa John is eight feet tall. He's about Master Chief-sized.
* When they run, the pizza guards leave behind a snail trail of grease.
* Normal is *not* an animal.
* The spears actually have very small pizza tables on them.