Lets Build Greed A New Tower Telethon

The content of this page is relevant to the Phi Timeline.

## Intr

~~XoshiZ~~ Xavier: *(In a suit and bowtie)* Hello, laundries and gorbachevs, and welcome to the **Lets** [sic] **Build Greed A New Tower Telethon**!

Xavier pulls down a screen with his impressive sockpuppet hands. The lights dim as a projector begins displaying a slideshow.

The projector displays a rather heroic-looking photograph of Eclarious perched atop the rubble of the former Greed Tower, clutching the unconscious Greed in one arm. Off-camera, a large sign saying “BOO” lights up. Poxten flinches as the rest of the small audience boos loudly, eventually devolving into ear-splitting hisses.

Xavier: As we all know, our brother-in-Kao Greed - seen here, the green one - had his vacation home, passion project, and renowned ice cream parlor all horribly stripped away from him in one dishonorable go. Simply obeying the rules of BLʎDSPORT to its purest degree, our compatriot’s effort to claim victory even outside of the Sauphara Memorial Stadium was not met with such appreciation from the public.

An animatic is displayed depicting caricatures of Zachary and Baxter leading an angry mob of dull gridmasks into Greed’s ice cream parlor, with his extensive family sobbing in fear as he is taken away.

Xavier: ... And, of course, we thank renowned artist “Mudclown” for this moving recreation of the event.

Shenanigans, wearing a very bad “artist” disguise in the corner, nods accordingly.

Xavier: So now it’s our turn! Here at the Dependable Incorporated Conglomerate of Killing Seamen, we I&Q-haters are always looking out for one another-

Kuipter, revived for the billionth time, and a somewhat misplaced Dr. Sand, exchange a glare or few from their grand total of three eyes.

Xavier: -and while we’re still looking for ways to bring down karmic retribution against Eclarious, we need to focus our efforts to help out our friends. Yes, you in the back?

Pragman Guard No. 1028: Hi. Question - are we killing the seamen, or are the seamen the ones that do the killing?

Xavier: Yes. In any case, our goal tonight is to reimburse Greed for damages, with stretch goals including taking proper revenge against those who have wronged us. Heck, we might even be able to stage a whole new rampage across the continent if this goes well! All your donations will be shown on the sc-

The projector stops projecting. A small, envelope-shaped creature is seen nibbling on the wire. Hatexi, now reconstructed with a Roomba and a few magnets, chases it off.

Xavier: ... All your donations will be painstakingly written by hand on the screen behind me.

Xavier begins fumbling with a marker, trying to hold it within his patchwork mitts.

## Acts 1

The Postbringer: I shall be happy to read off the generous donations brought to us by you, our loyal viewers, in a moment. For now, I have the distinct pleasure to introduce our first act of the evening. Please, place your hands, paws, tentacles, or other similar body parts together, and then separate them, and then repeat the process for an indeterminate amount of time, to welcome our first guest!

After some confusion, people manage to start applauding and stop after thirteen or so minutes. A hulking monster with a wrinkled face meanders on-stage and opens its mouth, where a fabric-coated tongue produces a VHS tape. The Postbringer snatches it, then yanks his hand back just before the monster snaps its mouth closed unexpectedly. The monster is then escorted off the stage by some sort of stuffed koala making cricket noises.

The Postbringer: On this very tape, we may all witness the events that culminated in the arrest of Greed. I have in my hands an official recording that was stolen- pardon, *procured-* from the so-called “Pet Arena” for the duration of the incident. As an added bonus, we have also had our resident technology expert insert some other relevant footage.

Kuipter floats up to the stage, lifts his robe, and absorbs the VHS through his chest. A series of magnets and gears organized like an exoskeleton around his body begin whirring to life, as his ocular lens begins outputting sepia footage onto the screen. Xavier, who has successfully impaled his own hand with a marker, ducks out of the way of the film as it counts down from three.

Announcer: - can’t believe it! The maniac just tore that innocent creature to shreds with his bare teeth! There’s blood and wood pulp everywhere! This is-

Kuipter: My bad. Uhh, dammit, how do I fast-forward...?

The video speeds through an extremely violent altercation between Greed and a three-headed monster and a few other mundane fights returns to normal speed during an advertisement for Renxo (the Resort Planet) before being sped up again and finally resuming normal playback right before the final fight.

Announcer 2: Good evening. We welcome you all back to the final round of the Midweight BLʎDSPORT Championships at Sauphara Memorial Stadium. As always, my true name must be concealed in order to protect my identity-

Announcer 3: Hankvl how can turn traducter on

Hankvl: \*making their voice deeper\* - though accompanying me today is a new guest, “Announceshot,” filling in for our usual host while he is currently being interrogated by the local justicekeepers for ties to an underground monster fighting ring.

Announceshot: Get well soon, Zazca Colonoscopy Drone of 98!

Hankvl: We return to the Submarine Atrium, where the final scuffle is to be held - this, of course, to accommodate for both contestants’ aqueous affinities. Announceshot, what are your predictions for this match?

Announceshot: It is know that Greed is hetaced the praise for he mush brutal punish. He shread the enemy like it is money! Also, purchaser of Kuipter, son of the colosseum. On other arm, Eclarious is stranger and small dog. Audience has say: “poor man’s Ergoth.” Still, mush stong and good left hook, like the beginning of an good novel.

Hankvl: I did not understand any of that, but thank you for your insight. Both contenders are skilled, as they should need to be in order to even compete in the first place. However, the crowd favors Greed’s no-consequences approach to assailing his opponents, which has granted him plenty of victories by first blood, knockout, death, forfeit, stage fright, first blood following forfeit, first blood after stage fright, and - in one heartwarming instance - friendship followed by death. He is one of the more popular combatants to regularly enter tournaments, establishing himself as a household name alongside greats such as Ergoth and POWER GOD BROSEPH. Stakes are riding high on this match in particular, with the famous Kuipter Xeronius betting an exorbitant amount of money on Greed.

Announceshot: You mean Zeronius? Or Ceronius?

Hankvl: I have no idea what you are talking about. Let’s see if we can catch a word with the unpopular candidate.

Announceshot: I am already teleported to see with the Eclarious, having a words with mentor Ergoth. Look like he coaching the youngsnow - reasons for yet unknow. We interview those. Exhaust me! Ergoth! Ergoth!

Ergoth: Hey. Back off. I’m not doing autographs today.

Announceshot: Ergoat, What say you on the Eclarious, pitiful tumbler in the game of death?

Ergoth: No comme-

Eclarious: Hey, wait, aren’t you Cureshot? I think I remember you from the hosp-

Announceshot: NO MUSH OF QUESTIONS

Hankvl: Thank you, Cureshot. I’m here to catch up with Greed just moments before the floodgates open. Greed, I’ve been informed that you are currently missing out on a prior engagement just to be here today. Your commitment to BLʎDSPORT is admirable.

Greed: Kind of you to say, Hankvl. I really like to stay a*head* of the competition.

Hankvl: We’ve received an InQram over from the Isles & Quint Breeding Center. Someone by the name of “Vamplood” is demanding that you forfeit and immediately return home in time to witness the birth of your child. Do you have anything to say on this matter?

Greed: Vamplood is not my lover. She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one.

Hankvl: Hours later, we received a second InQram from the same building and from the same individual. Asking on her behalf, what would you like to name your new daughter?

Greed: File a name from wherever you want. I don’t care.

Hankvl: “Philanem Frommwerver Yewant.” It has a nice ring to it, I think. Thank you for your time, and best of luck out there.

Hankvl sinks to the bottom of the arena and waddles away.

## Present Day, Elsewhere...

Ergoth: Maybe if we like, glue them back? Uhh...

Eclat: HIS TAIL. IS NOW LEGS. HE HAS LEGS NOW. WE CAN’T GLUE THEM BACK.

Eclarious: Mom, mom, relax! It’s fine, I promise! Walking really comes natural to me, I don’t have a problem with it, honest!

Ergoth: Taking a page out of yer ol’ pop’s book, eh? I’m so proud of you.

Eclarious: Thanks, dad. I couldn’t have done any of this without y-

Eclat: AM I ON THE SAME PLANET AS YOU BOTH?! The one-eyed PIPESNAKE of a man who tried to take BOTH OF YOU away from me by putting a BOMB in my boy’s lung bets money on a MURDERER in an ILLEGAL FIGHTING RING - which, Ergoth, you SWORE you’d stop going to-

Ergoth: I said I swore I’d stop fighting! And I did, didn’t I?

Eclat: - and then you start coaching our SON to FIGHT THE MURDERER, and he gets turned into some sort of... robot... man... THING, and all we have to show for it is 250 FAN-BOONS AND A TINY TROPHY?!

Ergoth: Hey now! Don’t you undermine his accomplishments like that, it’s a medium-sized trophy!

Eclat: ... This is insane. All of this is completely insane. When did you even get turned into a cyborg?

Eclarious: Oh, it was right after Deerg’s Clown-Themed Ice Cream Parlor collapsed in on us. It was a really quick operation. This really nice guy was just waiting on the sidelines and offered to do surgery on all of my bones. I think his name was Sol Master or something?

Ergoth: He didn’t even charge us a cent!

Eclat: I can’t believe you’re both so... so nonchalant about this! I need answers, and- and therapy, and a drink, and... ughh! Where’s that Isles’ business card?

Eclat dives away back to her underwater room. Eclarious and Ergoth sit on the waterproofed sofa in their living room.

Eclarious: Hey, dad. Pull my finger.

Ergoth pulls on his son’s outstretched robot finger, which detaches immediately. The two share a hearty laugh.

## Acts 1:3c

Back at the Telethon, Kuipter is keeled over and dry-heaving while Poxten attempts to coax a jammed VHS out of him with a magnet.

Xavier: I apologize for the technical difficulties, but I think I speak for all of us when I say that Greed won that fight fair and square, am I right? If watching that film reel has touched any of your hearts tonight, please consider donating to our cause. Operators are standing by to take your calls! In the meantime, Greed himself has been kind enough to provide us with his original blueprint for his stunning Greed Tower, which we will be auctioning off in order to raise funds!

The crowd makes a variety of “ooh”s, “aah”s, and “what”s as The Postbringer parades in the “blueprint” in question.

The Postbringer: And that’s not all! Everyone, check under your seats!

Everyone does so with excitement, confused to find individual mailboxes under each one.

The Postbringer: And open those mailboxes!

Everyone listens, still eager, though a bit more unsure of what’s going on. Everyone slowly pulls out an envelope from their individual mailboxes.

The Postbringer: And tear open those envelopes!!

The unimpressed audience does as instructed. Something in Hatexi’s Roombaparts screams in agony. Each envelope contains a small copy of the blueprints.

The Postbringer: That’s right! Everyone gets a blueprint! You get a blueprint! *You* get a blueprint! You’ve all got MAIL!

Xavier: That’s... that’s enough, thanks. We’ll start the bidding for the original at 3400. In the meantime, I’ll hand the mic over to our call center!

Bacteriamancer walks onto stage. Everyone falls quiet.

Bacteriamancer: ... Oh, my bad. I thought you said “*cell* center.”

Xavier: You’re not even a villain. Heck, you haven’t even appeared in a story ever! Hit the road, Jack.

Bacteriamancer, as well as everyone in the audience named “Jack,” departs and starts beating up the street with their fists. Walkers everywhere are startled.

Xavier: ... THE CALL CENTER. THAT I AM HANDING THE MIC OVER TO.

Merynis, having been sleeping through the duration of the BLʎDSPORT carnage reel, bolts upright and immediately starts manning the InQram station.

Merynis: Our, uh, first donation comes in the form of... a chain restaurant playscape? It’s from one “Mayor McCheese”... er, thank you, Mayor! (How much is this worth, exactly...?)

Shakespeare pops up from under Merynis’ desk (shut up) and reviews the InQram.

Shakespeare: Let me see that. “I, Mayor McCheese, am donating my first ever playscape in the hopes that it will provide a sturdier foundation to the new Tower’s structure.”

Xavier: Well, we’re off to a great start! We... currently have not had a single monetary donation, but we do have a lot of plastic tubing. That’s... that’s great, everyone! But we can do better! I’m sure of it!

The Postbringer skates in wearing two mailmonsters on his feet.

The Postbringer: Mailtime! A surprise in-house delivery has come to us!

He plunks down a wide crate on the stage, eliciting another round of “ooh”s and “aah”s. Prying off the top with the head of his axe, he reaches in and pulls out a note, which he reads aloud to the audience:

The Postbringer: “The I&Q staff are onto you, and the only reason they’re letting you get away with this all is because they think it’s funny watching you scramble to fund your stupid little schemes. We took all the ceratanium from the wreckage and used it to rebuild ourselves, and then we used to rest to make a statue of Eclarious. We’re gonna put it right where your ice cream shop used to be. Remember how you got beat by this thing? You’re pathetic. P.S. - Your vanilla bean SUCKS. From, Lee (and Vec).”

The crowd breaks out into an uproar of booing, hissing, hollering, and other unpleasant noises. The Postbringer grimaces as he pulls out a metal rod from the crate, which is still steeped in power core fluids on one end. He drops the rod back into the crate and shoves it out of view.

Xavier: Okay, everyone, settle down. Yes, that was... unfortunate. Let’s not forget that we’re doing this for Greed, remember? We’re not gonna let one or two hecklers get us down, are we?

Some Audience Guy: Or three! The “&” was a living part of Vec & Lee, and is likely also being avenged by the duo even in spirit!

Meanwhile, backstage...

Cameraman (Evil): Man, you’d think that we’d be doing a lot more swearing, don’t’cha think?

Cameraman (Fucked Up): Yeah, we gotta spice this up for the viewers!

What the viewers hear while viewing this from their nondescript audiovisual transmitting machines...

Some Audience Guy: Or thrFUCKThe “&FUCKs a liviFUCKart of VeFUCKLee, and is likFUCKalso bFUCK avengFUCKy thFUCKo evFUCKn spFUCK!

Un-meanwhile, normal stage...

Merynis: Uh, hey, it says we got something else. Oh, and I \*know\* this guy's got a lot of money. Uh, "Yeeaaarrrrghh,”-- why did he write that out? “Sorry I couldn't be thar, I'm definitely not in tha crowd don't look into the audience."

Merynis looked toward the audience and immediately spotted Stickbeard wearing fake glasses, a fake nose, and a fake mustache on top of his existing mustache. She scrunched her face and continued reading.

Merynis: "I'm donatin' me latest find, a battleworthy sea vessel that I sunk yesterd'e. I 'ave no use fer it since I've me own fine vessel. It's no longer fit for floatin', but it's made a' metal." Hey, is it rude for me to read this in a pirate accent?

Xavier had an expression that could only be described as "looking like he could strangle a bunny."

Xavier: Let's... cut to a commercial break.

## Act 2:1

Not despair, nor fury, nor discomposedness could describe what Jangala felt while watching the Greed Tower Telethon. The sheer audacity of the scheme alone would’ve been enough to offend, yet this incident yielded a very personal trauma for her. She looked down at her single green limb-- the only biological part of her that remained after the incident. She couldn’t even reach over to touch it and remember how it felt, for every other part of her was an unfeeling, mechanical simulacra of her original body. And yet, no one was taking it seriously. Even Vec and Lee, who unceremoniously had & taken from them by the green-fanged monster that was Greed, were merely spitefully contributing to the event. Despite being a mass of metal and screws, she felt like the only person in the world without a screw loose.

Meanwhile In Orbit Around Ludus

## Act 2:2 The Preparation Of The Death Moon

???: Finally My Death Moon is almost complete Soon I'll be able to blow up Ludus to pieces with it's laser

???: It's also Guestproof so He won't be able to stop me

???: HAHAHAHAHA