Jes Macallan, Our Close Friend

**"Jes Macallan, Our Close Friend"** is the sixty-seventh episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Hayes and Sean start with an analysis of this year’s Oscar nominations and reactions, then open up the Teaser Freezer to talk *Mortdecai*. Then, JES MACALLAN from Mistresses stops by to talk about her favorite movies and make political statements. Then, the Popcorn Gallery is finally back to ask about flooring, nerd culture, and the rules of business.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Hayes over the theme: "So Lisa... Leslie is like, 'Oh like, you know, like, I don't know how to play! Just like, teach me the rules!' Then it's like.. I think she's like a professional basketball player.." "This again! No, she is!" "It's like, she's so tall, she must be a real basketball player. But she just like wanted me to get behind her, and like teach her the shooting thing, and just be like close to her. But I can't even touch, when we're doing that, I can't even like reach the ball, because she's so tall, I'm just like hugging her waist. And she's just like taking the shot. And it's like.. I think you already know how to do this." Sean decides she's just doing this to juice Hayes up! Sean asks if he... drilled her after this? Hayes affirms, yeah, they set out the cones and he drilled her with the dribbling drills.
* Sean repeats the mission statement a bit after Hayes causing an echo effect. They did not work on this beforehand. Hayes mentions to Sean after he says "Whatup, whatup!?'"that people hate this and they gotta work on it. Hayes suggests "Wagwan!" It reminds Sean of 'wigwam.' Shaggy used to say this. Sean suggests 'Wagwan wagwan?' Hayes predicts this might be good, might put people in kind of an 'island' place.
* Sean discusses growin up on the farm and how farm people saying "Howdy!" is a misnomer: they would say "How do?" This saying got altered as it made its way to the coasts. Sean would never put a piece of hay in his mouth. The hay was filthy! Sean equates this to only the locals knowing what's on the Blarney Stone. Even the cows are a little grossed out by this, Sean debuts his new cow chatacter he's doing in the new *Cloudy with a Chance of Meatbulbs* movie.
* Hayes mentions how he's getting so many texts of people being mad about the Oscar nominations. There are always snubs, people want everyone to get a nod. We extended how many best pictures there were! Sean mentions how they've said it before and they'll say it again: it's not a perfect system, but it's *a damn good one*. Hayes puts out a call for pitches.
* Sean talks about how everyone's new pitches are for how anyone is not about a white guy! People argue that the Oscars are for old white men.. Sean reminds them that they gave them *12 Years a Slave* last year! Now they come back, they made *Selma*, and they're all "Please suh, can we have some more??"
* This is like Peter Griffin going to the sample man at the store, and he eats a free sample. And then he comes back in a mustache, and he wants a different free sample, and he's doing a funny voice this time. Although it did turn out the mustache man was not him.. but for the intents of this segment it is.
* Sean is pissed that so many people did this complaining, and he encourages everyone to have a memory in their brain and remember what they did last year. This is just like when they gave deaf people *The Artist*. And next year they wanted to do another one!
* The lady who made *Selma* may be called Selma.. Oprah, Selma, and Gayle? And they want her to be the director of this? Uhh.. *Hurt Locker* anyone? The movie barely even looks directed. They gave it to Bigelow!
* If you want one of these people to be nominated, you be the one to tell Morten Tyldum, director of *Imitation Game* that he doesn't get one. Sean would love for you to be on the other side of this one. Sean brings up how great the story was in the *Imitation Game* how there was the great story when Turing was a little kid, gets picked on by a little kid, best friend he was in love with names a computer after his friend. Sean really likes this part with the kids and thinks it makes the movie better and wouldn't have been all that interesting on its own with them just breaking the code. Sean thinks what they really needed, and it's good that they noticed this, is to a bunch of scenes of some fuckin little kids doin math problems. What about the boy!? And the kid has asthma or something!? *That's* a story, put that in the movie!

### Guest Segment

* Sean over the theme: "So I, so I grab the dictionary, and I say to D... M.. X, I say 'Challenge! I challenge!' and he's like, he does his whole huffing and puffing, he's like 'No, dog!' he's like in my face, trying to intimidate me out of challenging it. And so we look it up, turns out 'whinge' is a word. And he's got the 'w' on the triple letter, so that's 12. So I'm like 'OK, it is a word, but it has an 'h' in it. It's like whine! Cause it means, like whine!' So it's like, he's goin 'Whinge is a word, dog, whinge is a word!' And it's like: 'Yeah, it is, DMX. But you didn't spell it right.' So, I mean, he wound up winning, but it's just like, that's not the point. You lose your turn." DMX is good because his name is letters, he's the king of letters. He has to sit out the game night for one week.
* Sean again greets the audience with "Wagwom!"
* The boys are very excited to have a female actress rather than the standard fare of male comedian
* Jes is from the TV show *Mistresses* and she is one of the main mistresses. Sean asks who would win in a fight between the Desperate Housewives, the Devious Maids, and the Mistresses. Jes thinks the Devious Maids would! Hayes asks who's the strongest maid, although Sean corrects it's not always about being the strongest when you're devious. Jes agrees, it's about cunning
* Sean used to have a devious maid, she would switch his and Steffi's toothbrushes. Which side they were on. He doesn't mean 'have' like in the boudoir. This is a better story that one involving 'boning' because what would happen is, they would accidentally get each other's germs!
* Jes is married, and she and her husband do the classic 'same house' marriage. It's not so weird at night being in the same place. She can't watch her movies as loud as she wants, although they do watch them together. They agree on movies, that's rare! They made their list of top ten movies and they matched exactly, then they said their 'I Do's
* Sean gets very excited about this list of top ten movies! Hayes decides to go at random: 6. *Princess Bride*. 1. *Big* 4. She can't remember, Sean gave her a stumper. She remembers that it's *Runaway Bride*. Sean remarks how this has a lot of 'bride' movies, she says this is her themed top ten wedding movies! Big is the number one wedding movie, Hayes corrects him that this is what she called *My Big Fat Greek Wedding*. That's the movie! (they were trying to think of during the Teaser Freezer segment)
* Hayes and Sean have been watching this show, they love it. They have a note, cause they work in the industry: how come on the show no one ever does any kissing, it just pulls away as soon as someone starts kissing? Jes corrects that there are ton of it, and that they really push the envelope of NBC. Hayes asks: pasties? They don't do pasties, but clothes are coming off.
* Sean mentions how the show is also very short and that none of the kissing makes it to air. He has to go to Hayes's house to watch it, because he doesn't own a TV. However.. they begin to notice that it's suspicious that Sean's dad went to Hayes's house to fix a leaky pipe? And he was goofing around with the back of the TV? Hayes didn't even know his pipe was leaking, Sean's Dad called him! This phone call came in at 4am. Sean postulates that maybe.. his dad put a chip in Hayes's TV so they can't see anymore kissing. He knows how riled up he gets
* Sean's basement is so siiick. He has one of those egg chairs, and a big love sack that cost $900? Sean doesn't have that any more, he accidentally sat on it with a pocket knife in his pocket and he had forgotten to close it. A love sack is like a bean back but with sort of a naugahyde exterior. Jes still doesn't know, and Hayes bids her "Get thee to a mall!"
* Jes says she hasn't been to a mall in a while, and Hayes says he figured this.. from looking at her clothes. She might want to hit a mall. The mall food court is a big hang spot for Hayes, Sean, and Sean's dad. They don't want the same food all the time! Sean wants A&W, Hayes wants orange chicken, and Sean's dad only eats roast beef! And he'll sit at a separate table if Sean sees some of his friends. He doesn't want to seem like he's escorting them, he just pays, drives around.
* Hayes asks Jes what she thinks about all this Charlie Hebdo stuff. She replies "Je suis Charlie!" She is on their side. They were looking for Jes to say "Mmm, I don't think I should answer that."
* Sean asks Jes to supply the audience with one big tip on dramatic acting, since she's not just a big dumb comedian that they see coming through the doors. Jes mentions that she admires comedians, but Hayes and Sean think it's bullshit. Anyone can fake laugh, Jes was doing it a second ago. She's been doing it the whole time she was sitting there!
* Jes could do more than tell a joke, like being a mad lady! Hayes wants to know which parent she's mad at. Jes mentions that after the show she has to do some angry acting in an audition, the boys go along with it, then she reveals she was acting during that reveal! Sean needs a second to get back in the room, he's been transported!
* Jes did some modelling in Milan, what's the food like!? Sean hasn't been to Big Italy, he's only been to Little Italy. It's just size.. and well a difference in country. Jes seems very reluctant to go into detail about the food in Italy, but Sean has done a real deep dive into some of the food. And he will scan her face for recognition when he says some of these foods: cheese pizza. She's tellin' the truth! Sean is sorry they doubted her. Sean set all of this up in order to get back with her with her audition ruse.
* The other day, Hayes did a video for Wes Borland, the guy in Limp Bizkit with the eyes all black. They guy from "Did it all for the Nookie!" Hayes did some videos of him just walking around LA, but he doesn't do the black eye thing anymore, he would walk around and bump into things. Jes mentions that maybe he could revisit this as a politcal statement? Hayes and Sean both know what she's getting at, but they encourage her to explain this to the audience
* When Sean thinks about who can't see, and who can't get out of their own way and is walking into walls, it reminds him of a.. certain political figure, who's renting not buying. Who has a daughter named Milan
* Sean's basement is carpeted, which does allow him to walk around at night without waking up his dad. Sean will make a craft that he wants to show his dad, like a god's eye or something, with really bitchin colors, like a mustard yellow! Sean asks what some of the baddest colors are to Jes, is she wanted to really be out there and be a badass. She likes a nice highlighter orange. Hayes thinks it's good that she didn't say black, because it's not in the rainbow. Brown is a color, it's in the invisible part of the rainbow.
* Jes can dig on science, but she digs on Hayes and Sean diggin on it more than anything. Jes does not think that nerd culture is taking over. This causes Sean's eyes to bug out, he's never been more surprised! Then he finds out that Mistresses doesn't do a ComicCon panel! You could know him over with a feather.
* Hayes and Sean attempt to drop the mics in the studio in order to emphasize their point, like Jes did when she succinctly answered asked to speak on something a third time. They repeatedly try and thump the mics against the table to attempt this. These attempts really start to upset Engineer Brett
* Every does an impeccable Brett impression. "300 bucks oh my goood" ; do you know how much this show brings in? They earn that off this show in a second. Jes offers to buy them all new mics. Jes is a good actress, Hayes and Sean challenge her to become Brett: "Wait, wait! Guys, wait, guys, guys wait. Wait! Guys! Just... aaahhh." That's you, Brett. Even he admits it was eerily close. "Guys this mic was like.. $300. Guys.."
* Hayes proposes that maybe Jes got the idea to say she had been to Milan from her friend.. Alyssa Milano. Like maybe seeing her name on the wall. Sean says that she is a regular Charlie Mortdecai for getting to the bottom of this, doing all the sleuthing. She says she is from Sarasota, FL and this might be from Sarah Silverman.

## Recurring Segments

* Teaser Freezer - "Mortdecai" (They play Matt Bogdanow's theme, and it just starts playing before Hayes can even get into his protective gear. Sean describes in more detail what Weird Al was saying in the song)
	+ Even to begin, Sean emphasizes the 't' in "Mortdecai" and explains how this touch really adds a lot to the movie
	+ They also complain about how teasers are getting shorter and shorter these days. Just like in these fine dining restaurants, the portions are getting smaller and smaller. It's a little pea, and a little miniature version of like a piece of corn. They give you all of this food, and then they make you pay for the real food!
	+ Sometimes in these teasers they play your favorite song in the teaser, and they think what song might work with this proper British guy. What does that guy really match with? There's a lot of .. soul to this movie. This street.. this.. ugh. This urban, without putting a particular race on it.. it's not stuffy. When Sean even saw the poster he started going, in his head: "Buh bud-doo, buh bud-doo, Buh bud-dope."
	+ With this teaser, they decided that there were so many funny things to show you, they just show you a *sliver* of each one. You can't spend too long on any one thing or see how it's funny, but it feels funny! And it's moving faast.
	+ Sean really likes this song.. he hasn't heard it, but it just perfectly captures it! The guys saying "This is wildly interested" is.. you! One of the actors is playing the audience brain in this, essentially, because when your brain is seein' Johnny Depp, you brain is goin 'I'm wildly interested' but you haven't quite formed the words yet
	+ Sean implores that everyone go look up just how funny Depp's curly hair face looks in this trailer. The trailer mixes with exciting and funny, exciting and funny (you get the action too). There's also a beautiful woman. They also explain how this trailer tries out a new and rare type of humor: 'understatement humor.' Such as being in an extreme situation, your sword got chopped in half, you just got hit in the face. This dry British humor is so dry you can sop up some gravy
	+ Johnny Depp hates kissing. They both hate it. Won't it be interesting to find out when they go?
	+ Mustache marketing, like what people do in wedding photo booths. Even girls do it! This trend of making people feel like they're at a wedding when they're at the movies, like how *Margot at the Wedding*, *Rachel Getting Married,* they have trouble thinking of the third one.. big? something?
* Popcorn Gallery
	+ Bruce Reid Robinson II - "Hardwoods or carpet? In terms of actual flooring, not in any kind of other way."
		- Jes thinks this name is weird, Hayes and Sean warn her that this is going to be the most normal name she comes across all day with these internet characters. Jes is very uncomfortable with the possible implications of this question, despite his clarifying. She answers with hardwood, all the way! Sean's basement is carpeted.
	+ Asteck - "Jes, you have a degree in business, and seem to be doing well in show business, but you haven't been in many comedies, so why did you fail all of your funny business classes?"
		- Oh isn't this just sweet. She calls him Ass Business. She corrects that she has been in a few comedies however they are never seen, home videos. Jes is not on Vine! His name is officially changed to Ass Business, but then she starts to feel bad: what if Asteck is a girl? Hayes and Sean remind her to think about where she is, she's listenin' to a podcast on a comedy network called Earwolf
	+ Anastasia Vigo - "Hi Jes, you play Alyssa Milano's younger sister in *Mistresses*. She is leaving the show. Does this bring up any.. family, or abandonment issues for you?"
		- Jes tries to cut the question off after the greeting, as Anastasia made the mistake of acting a little too friendly up top. They keep reading it since she might want this subject brought up, and they do like talking about this kinds of stuff on the podcast (family, therapy). Jes offers to talk about her parents' divorce.
* Pro Version - RanRan - she gets a special Brett impression from Jes: "Ranran, Ranran, Ranran, Ranran. Thanks, thank so much, no thanks. No, it's fine. It's $400, whatever. Thanks Ranran."

## Recurring Jokes

* Everyone Gets a Trophy - It seems like everyone wants every movie to be nominated for an Oscar.
* Wife and Kids - Sean used to have a devious maid, and she would switch his and Steffi's toothbrushes. Sean lives with his dad rather than with his wife, in a *sick* basement apartment.
* Sean's Dad also went to Hayes's house a few weeks before Sean watched *Mistresses*, and was foolin around with the back of the TV. Sean's dad was never married to his mother. He has taken back the title 'bastard.'
* Speak on That - Jes is asked to speak on how it must be inconvenient for Sean to leave his basement apartment to have to go to his wife's house in order to use his toothbrush. On why she's so interested in getting deep on the podcast. On how she knew that the third series of sound effects were actually the elevator bringing the popcorn bag closer to Sean.
* Doesn't Own a TV - Sean has to go watch *Mistresses* at Hayes's house.
* Show Won't Take a Stance - it's not the show's place to take sides on the Charlie Hebdo, or literally anything! Or on bullying.
* Controversial Sean - Shakespeare didn't write his own plays, we all know that. Hayes would prefer they not talk about this. The letters they get. Did you see *Anonymous*?
* Italy - Jes and Sean compare Big and Little Italies. The boys suspect that Jes maybe hasn't been to Big Italy actually. Sean speaks some Italian: 'mozzarella'
* Mark - The first question Mark finds a spaghetti meatball in the bag. Second is the Godfather. Third is a boot shape, just like on the pizza boxes in Big Italy.
* Nerds - Hayes and Sean dig science, and they ask Jes if nerd culture is taking over. The show won't take a stance on bullies, there's not enough research. What if the nerd is mean, for example? Sean has met a few nerd bullies!
* Scoop Troop - When people shoot movies at night, they're putting a sheer piece of black cloth over the lens. For the joke, get out your notebooks to write down what the actress says the camera works like
* Bullies - Sean has taken back the word 'bastard' and has a message for all the bullies out there-- if he calls himself a bastard, than you can't hurt him any more.
* Bashing Other Podcasts - Hayes decides to open some mail at the end. One is for Elizabeth Laime, the other is for Jake Fogelnest. Meanwhile, Jes is having some trouble with her lottery scratch off. One is for the Crybabies women (Sean does now know who that is!) Kyle Dunnegan at Professor Blastoff. No mail for them this week. The Address is 5629 Hollywood Blvd., #66, Los Angeles, CA, 90028.

## Ads

* Earwolfman Jacks Nephew's Hayes and Sean read an ad for the merch store the earwolf merch. www.earwolfmerchstore.com go to the earwolf store site click merch and then click purchase

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, Jes Macallan, Sean ClementsHayes, Sean, and Jes Macallan in the studioJes Macallan with a scratch off lottery ticketHayes reading a letterSean, and Jes Macallan in the studioSean, and Jes Macallan in the studioSean in the studioHayes in the studio