287: Next Time You Hear White Noise...

## Summary

After another severe reprimand from Will, Sheemie reveals what he really stole: a *Potion of Water Breathing* and the magical flying boots that Batthwack has so coveted. Freaked out by Batthwack's intense desire for the boots, Will tells Sheemie to get away and not to hand them over, but Batthwack won't be denied, and gives chase. Even when he is confronted by another vision of a waterfall telling him to trust Will, Batthwack won't be swayed and when they catch up to Sheemie, they find him desperately trying to remove the boots, which are now stuck fast.

## Synopsis

Will drags Sheemie by the collar down an alley. Batthwack shouts after him sarcastically, *"Good job Will! Lying to distraught mothers and broke shopkeepers! You ought to have plenty of money to buy your contractual fraction of these boots!"* Once they're out of earshot Will berates Sheemie. *"Stop stealing stuff, you idiot."* Sheemie tries to get a word in, but Will is furious. *"Any fucking person who works for me, listens to me. They don't just fucking go off and do whatever the fuck they want to do."* Sheemie explains he didn't drink the love potion; it was a distraction. He thinks everyone will be pleased when they find out what he really stole, and he calls everyone in. Will quickly changes into his Mr Greenman guise.

After brief reintroductions between Sheemie and Rosco, and recaps from the party's adventures in the Sooty Gang pit, Sheemie reveals that what he actually stole was a *Potion of Water Breathing*, since the rest of them can already breath underwater. Raphina's very impressed with Sheemie's forward thinking and chastises Will for being so hard on the boy. It's also Raphina that first notices something odd about Sheemie: he's floating half an inch above the ground. He's wearing the flying boots that Batthwack has been coveting ever since their visit to the magical item shop the previous day.

Batthwack can't believe it and says he doesn't know how to repay Sheemie. Will is really not amused. Batthwack offers Sheemie his Eldath pottery, but the boy says he doesn't need anything in return. However, when Batthwack holds out his hand to receive the boots, Sheemie suddenly seems a little confused. Insightful Raphina notices that Will is also a little distracted and seems to be mouthing something inaudible, as if casting *Message*. Sheemie suddenly seems to change his mind and wonders if Batthwack wants the boots a little too much. Rosco chimes in, *"I don't think it makes sense for any one person to have both the underwater breathing ability and the flying ability."* but Will's still not listening.

All of a sudden, Sheemie says he has to go to the bathroom urgently and begins flying up towards a nearby roof. *"Sheemie, wait! Where are you going?"* calls Batthwack desperately. Sheemie calls down, saying he thinks he might have diarrhoea, and suggests meeting up later at the dam. To everyone's surprise, Batthwack starts scaling the wall to go after Sheemie, but in his desperation he's not able to catch up. Batthwack's mad. *"A pretty unreliable party member we have here. I'm not sure I trust this guy,"* he says.

Rosco can't see anything untoward about Sheemie's sudden departure; he genuinely seemed to have some sort of intestinal troubles. Raphina, however, glares at Will, accusing him of saying something to Sheemie. *"Yeah I was making sure that he was staying safe from Batthwack!"* *"Why are you worried about your bodyguard hurting Sheemie?"* replies Batthwack, and when Will suggests he's not sure who Batthwack is anymore and perhaps he's no longer a bodyguard, Batthwack asks if Will is about to break their contact. Bernard encourages Will to tell them what he's really worried about, so Will says that Batthwack's acting weird about these boots and going after Sheemie was just a little bit too reminiscent of the time he went after Nat.

Rosco says he knows what's really going on: Batthwack's irrational obsession with the boots is down to the fact that they're cursed. Or Batthwack's plant axe is cursed. Or they both are. To prove he's not been affected by the axe, Batthwack gladly hands it over the Rosco, who senses the magic within it. *"This axe has been used to fell many a root vegetable. I can tell. I can feel it in the blade. I can feel it in the handle. What are you doing with this slayer of the natural world?"* Batthwack plays along, suggesting they get rid of it and even suggests he's feeling better now that he's no longer in possession of it. Will and Rosco both know this is bullshit, but Rosco suggests he holds onto the axe anyway. Raphina watches this back and forth and pets Pippa. She asks Bernard what it was he was trying to get Will to say, and he explains, *"I just trying to get both of them to express their feelings. That's when things go well."*

While the others talk, Batthwack wonders why Sheemie isn't back yet, and without warning casts *Locate Object* on the boots, learning that they're around 60 feet away in the direction that Sheemie went, and back at ground level. Will sees him casting the spell, so when Batthwack heads off briskly and with purpose, Will's right behind him. Raphina jumps on Bernard's back and rallies the others behind her.

Looking for the most direct route, Batthwack heads back out to the main street and down a little way, before cutting back into another alley that leads to the area behind where they had been. The alley turns a corner and when Batthwack heads around it, he's is greeted by an incredible sight. Down at the far end, a huge, crystal clear waterfall, sparkling in the sunlight, is pouring from one of the rooves on the right-hand side, and plunging noisily into a deep, still pool at the base. Batthwack, with Will still following behind him, takes a deep breath and slows his pace as he approaches. Looking down into the pool, they see words shimmering in the water, floating above the bed. The words read *"Listen to Will,"* and then below that is an image of a crown. There are more words underneath, that read *"Trust him."*

Though he understands the importance of what the pool is telling him, nothing will dissuade Batthwack from his chosen path. He edges around the pool as Raphina and Rosco arrive. As soon as he has moved past it, the pool and the waterfall vanish without a trace, leaving only an eerie silence. Batthwack breaks into a run as he continues down the alley. *"Oh my god, there is something seriously wrong with him,"* mutters Will angrily as he runs after Batthwack. The others follow.

Around the corner they find a distressed Sheemie sitting in an alcove doorway, desperately struggling with the boots. *"I'm glad you guys are here! I can't get 'em off! Help me! Get 'em off of me!"* he cries. Batthwack's only too happy help. He enthusiastically pulls hard on Sheemie's leg, but the boot doesn't come off. Instead there is a sickening crack and Sheemie screams in pain. Rosco's eyes light up. *"A ha! So it was the boots that were cursed!"*

## Quotes

* Add memorable quotes from the episode here!

## Trivia

* The episode title refers to a quote from Eric. After Sheemie made his sudden and suspicious excuses and left, claiming he suddenly and urgently needed the toilet, Eric was describing a vision of a waterfall tumbling from the top of a building. Abby interrupts when she's figured it out. *"The toilet water,"* she says. Eric: *"It's Sheemie's diarrhoea."* KT: *"This whole night was a setup just so Eric can talk about a fount of diarrhoea."* Eric: *"The next time you hear white noise, that's what that sound is."*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: **minty-fresh**, a combination of minty and fresh.

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ The *Potion of Water Breathing* is described as light blue and in a round vial. Sheemie said it was worth 500gp.
2. ↑ See episode 274: Treat Mo-Self
3. ↑ See episode 234: The Halter Top of Eyes
4. ↑ See episodes 88: The One Where Eric's Bein' All Strict and Shit and 89: No, No, Just a Plain Old Punch
5. ↑ Rosco's mistaken belief that Batthwack has been cursed was the result of two bad rolls in the previous episode. First he rolled a 7 for insight, then after convincing Eric that it should've been arcana, he rolled a nat 1. See episode 286: Mustard Soup
6. ↑ Out of game, it's confirmed that the magical plant axe is called *Treebane*.
7. ↑ The image of a waterfall plunging into a still pool is the symbol of Eldath.
8. ↑ **Potential spoilers for KT, Abby and Adam!** At the end of the episode, Alex explained a little of Batthwack's motivations behind his unusual behaviour recently. The key thing is the character flaw that Batthwack gained after accepting Zantras' kingly gift: he cannot take no for an answer. Alex explained that Batthwack simply wanted the boots because of how much he loved flying on the couple of occasions Will had cast *Fly* on him. When the shopkeeper denied him the boots, it turned his desire into a compulsion, but then he saw the gnomish book's image of Gully's End in flames and the two things compounded. *"I need these to be strong enough. I won't let Gully's End burn. I need these boots. No one's gonna stop me. When I saw that picture, I wrote down 'I'm fucking King Batthwack.' Batthwack is of these two minds, right? But I said I would get those boots. So have to do it. I have to turn down all these redeeming things."*