Fake TPOT 48: Soon As We May/part 7

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"**Soon As We May**" is the non-canon forty-eighth episode and the season finale of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 10 January 1990. Since the second to fifth (or maybe sixth) episodes of *Real TPOT* have already been released in the real world, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

Author's note: As mentioned many more times here, this extended stinger is what I like to call the **series epilogue**, a sort of "what happens next?" like you see at the end of a lot of movies. In theory you could have ended the episode at the previous part, and the outcome wouldn't have changed that much: the only drawback's that you wouldn't know the fate of all the ex-contestants.

Author's note #2: So this is it. The last part of the last proper episode of *Fake TPOT*. I feel like I've been a bit stingy with my gratitude, so I just want to say thank you to anybody who's managed to stick around for the two(+) years that this story has been going on. A proper thank you will be in order as once the episode is finished, but if you've made it this far... 👍

Author's note #3: You know, in retrospect, writing this epilogue was pretty sad. It starts with pretty much a full house. And then, one by one, each character starts to leave the set to go wherever they expect to find themselves. I should like to compare it to the last minutes of a dying party, very late at night, before the host(s) are left alone to recall the last seventeen years of memories they all shared together.

## Epilogue, *14 November 1989*

### **Mostly interior scenes**

**Scene**The credits are followed by another two seconds of silence, or silence eased by the nightly sound of crickets chirping.

Fade in to a more subdued party scene, hours later: the Steakhouse is not nearly as crowded as in the previous scene, as many of the minor characters have gone home. As a result of the smaller number of people now present, the building has returned to its almost square form rather than the hall format of earlier. Some of those who stayed behind (a group that includes **Match** and almost all of **Pencil and Pen's kids**) are sleeping in their seats.

**Ex-contestants** are discovered outside, still sprightly as they pose for their final group pictures, being taken by **Camera**, before the show officially wraps up.

The Algebraliens (**Two**, **Four**, **Five**, **Seven**, **Nine** and **X**) have evidently moved a table to the middle of the row closest to the stage, where they are chatting and playing a card game native to the Equation Playground. On stage are the members of the Asador Big Band, led by **Battery**, **Profily** and the quartet that includes **Umtaya**; they play a slow jazz song to help maintain the somnolent atmosphere.

#### On stage (2:11 a.m.)

* **B****atter****y**: We... have been playing for hours.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: I am so tired.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Not me! I'm in a constant state of excitement.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Even at this time?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Do I look like I sleep?
* **B****atter****y**: Hmm... no. I can see why after this you're going to circle the Earth a few times like some wannabe superhero.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: I'm going to turn back time and relive every moment of my season! I saw it all, you know.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Good idea! I don't know what my upcoming world tour's good for in the grand scheme of things, but... [*yawns*] I just want to have fun for the rest of the month. Is that too much to ask?
* **B****atter****y**: No, you go do that. [*tries to pat Umtaya on the back but falls off her seat; from the floor*] I'll send you a postcard from the MDW!

#### Main view

* **Le****a****f****y**: Ladies and gentlepeople! [*claps once*]

[*View of* **Firey** *and* **Leafy** *(who is carrying* **Firey Jr.** *on her head), who stand near the doorway.*]

* **Fi****r****ey**: Can I have y'all's attention, p*hl*ease?
* **Le****a****f****y**: We are leaving now! It's been a real great pleasure to see you again, Four, Two and friends, and I mean that with the utmost sincerity, but it's past the little one's bedtime and we have to say goodbye.
* **Fi****r****ey**: Goodbye!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Little one? I'm 23!

[*Having been transfixed by the air before, Taco looks up from her seat, a bit tipsy.*]

* **T****a****c****o**: Wh- where are you going?
* **Fi****r****ey**: We're headed off to our own private is*hl*and.
* **T****a****c****o**: Like Dream Island?
* **Le****a****f****y**: No, no, no, no. This one has real people living there. Well, heathens, actually. They don't agree with anything we believe in, so we're going to be missionaries and show them the Way!
* **Fi****r****ey**: I'm telling ya, Coiny's gonna hate *hl*osing all forty-something of us as his next-door neighbours, but we decided to *hl*eave two of our *hl*ittle ones behind and he won't even know the difference!
* **T****a****c****o**: Ha, have fun. [*lies down*]
* **Le****a****f****y**: Bye!

[*Exeunt.*]

#### Outside

[*Outside, the ex-cons are still seen and heard doing their group pictures.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Isn't it funny how no one cares that we're leaving?
* **Fi****r****ey**: They did in the other seasons!
* **Le****a****f****y**: It's really disappointing.
* **8****-****Ball**: [*off-screen*] Yeah, we're leaving too, people.
* **9****-B****all**: *Adeus!*
* **Algebraliens**: Bye!

[*The door opens and* **8-Ball** *and* **9-Ball** *roll out, the former giving Firey and Leafy a smug grin.*]

* **[** **Fi****r****ey** · **Le****a****f****y** **]**: Ò!

#### Algebraliens' table

[**Two** *and the other Algebraliens—*i.e.*,* **Four**, **Five**, **Seven**, **Nine** *and* **X**—*are sat at their table, still playing their native card game. Two is wearing a rather large lapel pin with the letters "CIE" (in Algebralien) on it.*]

* **Five**: And I even made a deal with the *magasin* that I can pay for my stuff whenever I want!
* **Seven**: Then you have diplomatic privilege, Five.
* **Five**: I wouldn't say that, but the fact that I was a regular on this show works wonders in the Marquesas.
* **Two**: I'm a real fan of this pin you gave me, X.
* **X**: Thanks! I made it myself at the Equation Playground Craft-e-teria.
* **Two**: Oh, I love that place! [*looks down on the pin*] *CIE*. I wonder what it means.
* **X**: It sure isn't a spelling rule, haha!

[*Beat.*]

* **Four**: Don't do that. It negates the existence of "science".

[*Enter* **Gelatin** *and* **Teardrop**, *both filling in for the waiters who have gone home.*]

* **Gela****tin**: It means "Commonplace Interplanetary Expatriate". Wow, you're in the same boat as me, Two-ster!
* **Two**: Terrific!
* **Teardrop**:  Come on, Gelatin, I'm getting tired. Let's go to upstairs to our work bunks.
* **Gela****tin**: Yay!
* **Lol****l****ipop**: [*who has been bouncing a ball against the wall during this*] Have fun using my guest spot as a pillow fort.
* **Gela****tin**: This sleepover's going to be super rad!
* **Teardrop**:  We're probably going to knock out in five minutes.

[*Exeunt. Lollipop goes back to throwing her ball.*]

#### Main dining area

[*The ex-contestants start to trickle into the restaurant, still smiling from their photoshoot. Enter* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote**, *the latter sitting at the Death PACT table. Black Hole notices* **Yesa** *at the FreeSmart table (a bit tired, and so far the only one of Pencil and Pen's kids still awake).*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, hi.
* **Y****es****a**: Uncle Black Hole! I'd hug you if you were, y'know, still dressed like an innkeeper's assistant from a vaguely European fairy tale. Are you leaving now?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Mm, I don't know. I think Remote wants to stay here a bit longer.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*from the other table*] It's the polite thing to do.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Right. Anyway, Yesa, the library where you work, is it open all night?
* **Y****es****a**: Sure we are! It's just that nobody ever shows up at this time of night 'cos they'd rather be asleep.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: In that case, we'll stay a bit longer than that.

[*Meanwhile,* **Four** *and* **X** *carry their trays to the bin, still talking to* **Two** *and the other three, who are seated.*]

* **Two**: Is that really so, Four?
* **Four**: It's true. We left LA for the EP because the house prices were getting ridiculous.
* **X**: It's getting so crowded!
* **Four**: Not to mention that no matter where we lived on the hills, our address was always getting leaked to the public.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: [*from the stage*] I'm still sorry for that, Four!
* **Two**: I, Two, don't blame you. Why, with your return to the Equation Playground, that planet's getting pretty crowded too! [*laughs*]

[*Enter more of the ex-cons.*]

* **Eraser**: You're not going to propose tomorrow, are ya?
* **P****en**: Shh, give it time! I'm waiting for the perfect moment, and when the moment's perfect, I'll be very happy.
* **Eraser**: You're scared, bro. You were always more *scantatt* than me. Or "than I". Remember *I Was a Teenage Lernaean Hydra*?
* **P****en**: Well, there's a lot of things I'm afraid of, Rase, and asking Penc to love me for the rest of my life isn't even on the list. Haha, how d'ya like that answer? [*finger guns*]
* **Eraser**: I like how that's the last finger guns you're going to do on set.
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, I'll make sure of that.
* **Fan****ny**: I hate that!

#### On stage

[**Two** *stands on the stage alone; it appears that Umtaya, Battery and Aresko have retreated backstage to pack their things.*]

* **Two**: Alright! Most of you are coming inside from your little photoshoots.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Did I do a good job?
* **C****am****er****a**: At what, Lightning? I was the one who took the pics with my own body!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: I meant in the posing bit, that's what I meant.
* **Two**: Well, I've got some news for you! Clock!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yes, Two?
* **Two**: What time is it?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Ehm, let's see.

[*Clock looks at himself in the mirror.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*Aside.*] *Inversez l'image, ajoutez treize heures...* *[*Aloud.*] It is 2:21 of the morning.*
* **Two**: Perfect!
* **Ar****esko**: Hey, that time has two 2's in it!
* **Two**: That's right! A very special time, for we're approaching the part of the day when the hours, minutes and seconds all show my number. Two! I've hardly ever been awake for the "a.m." version of this.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wait till it's 2022!
* **T****V**: [*knowingly*] A-haha.
* **Cloudy**: But what's this two-two-two-ing have to do with us?
* **Nic****k****el**: Ha. *Doo-doo-doo*ing.
* **St****a****py**: Yeah! [*high/low-fives Nickel*]
* **Balloony**: It works in French *and* in English!
* **Two**: This is a very special time! And I'm happy to announce that there could be no better time in the whole finale than this to be here with you.
* **Barf** **Bag**: [*Aside, to Burnie.*] I feel like we've been hearing the same speech all night, you know what I mean?
* **Donut**: Shh, it's happening!
* **Two**: Yes! It's happening! Everyone, look at Clock!

[*Everyone does so.*]

#### Gelatin's Steakhouse (2:22 a.m.)

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Tick.
* **Two**: [*jumps up in the air*] ***N'TCHICOURARARARARARARARARANOU!***
* **Ko****s****r****ae**: I don't understand. My husband changes minutes every... well, every minute.
* **Two**: Yes, but this particular second has got me in such a good mood! Why, I'm in such a good mood that it makes me want to do something really, really off the cuff!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Like what?
* **Two**: It makes me want to... it makes me want to...

[*Death PACT look at each other, suddenly catching on.*]

* **B****o****k**: I think I know what this i—
* **Two**: Ah***BRWWWWWWGGGHGLLLLLPPPSSHHHHSHSHH!***

[*Sternuit unum cylindrum recepatorum; that is, Two actually sneezes a Recovery Cylinder. Soni exspectati of surprise—it is enough to wake Max.*]

* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): ***WHAT?!***
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So you can still recover people, in spite of your powers, being abridged.
* **Pi****e**: Now I'm curious. Who's in that cylinder?
* **Two**: You really want to know? [*wags eyebrows*]
* **T****r****e****e**: [*agitated*] Just tell us already! Er... Snowball.
* **Snowball**: With diversion!

[*Snowball grabs the cylinder and smashes it to the stage floor, all with a smile of sober piety on his face. He gasps when he sees* **Bottle** *inside, having been recovered.*]

* **Bot****tle**: Yaaay! [*runs off*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Bottle, you're alive!
* **Bot****tle**: I sure am!
* **Pill****ow**: [*chasing her*] Wait, Bottle, let me kill you again!
* **Four**: Wow, Two. I guess that's your purpose on Earth.
* **Two**: Bringing people back to life! I can do that! [*cartwheels off the stage*]

#### Main dining area

[**Five** *gets up from his seat and stands on the table. It wobbles a bit.*]

* **Five**: Whoa. Whoa. Anyway... [*clears his throat*] *I have an announcement for all of you that's just come in!*
* **E****g****gy**: That we're up way too late?
* **Puffball**: That you're a number?
* **Five**: No! I want to tell you that my agreement went through!

[*The ex-cons look at one another, confused.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: What's that mean?
* **Bom****by**: ***TELL US!***
* **F****r****i****e****s**: If that's some kind of Algebralien euphemism for something, my children won't hear it!
* **Seven**: [*Aside.*] Five, honey, they're not going to get it.
* **Five**: You're right. [*Aloud.*] I have just reached an agreement with my employer, the *Location de voitures aux Marquises*. [*giggles*] I like the way I said that. Anyway, in just a few minutes, one of our planes will arrive here to pick you up and take you to your homes.

[*Soni exspectati of excitement. The chatter gets so loud that the Algebraliens must talk over themselves at their own table.*]

* **N****i****ne**: But don't you just work the publicity-wicity over-o there-eye-o?
* **Seven**: Yeah, why would they send a plane at your request?
* **Five**: Because I'm cool like that.
* **B****o****k**: Wait a bit, you mean we don't have to buy airline tickets? We can just go home as soon as possible?
* **Five**: As soon as the plane comes.

[*View of the Fovitwe, where all the roofs of the flats begin to retract into the outer top walls.*]

* **Five**: Why, at this very moment, your roofs are being removed so that the plane can pick up all the possessions you've left on the Fovitwe. We'll be lucky if it doesn't rain tonight.
* **X**: Yeah!
* **Blocky**: [*points and laughs*] Haha! Your set's being torn apart! That never happened in BFB!
* **Four**: Did you forget that our set was invaded a few years after the show ended?
* **F****old****y**: But wait! Does that mean we won't have to drive home from another airport? You'll just drop us off?
* **Two**: You sound disappointed, Foldy!
* **F****old****y**: Yeah, I always do. It's sort of my thing.
* **Five**: Well, we *are* going to drop you off to your homes. That's the way of the LDVAM.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*Aside, to Remote.*] Again with the funny acronyms.
* **Five**: You'll literally be falling. Or, like that new song on the radio, *free* falling.

[*Pen squeaks with excitement.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Pen, don't do that.
* **P****en**: I'm terribly sorry; this show's taught me not to be afraid of parachutes. But free fallin'? Oh boy!
* **[** **Seven** · **N****i****ne** **]**: [*horrified*] *Parachutes?!*
* **N****i****ne**: Oh noes! Not the parachuticals!
* **Seven**: This is too awful, Nine, let's get out of here.
* **N****i****ne**: Bye bye! To the Equatiable Playishgroundelay we're a-gonna gonna ganna ginna go go go go go!

[*Hic teleportant.* **Four** *and* **X** *gleefully wave goodbye.*]

* **Two**: To be completely honest, I didn't understand a word of that.
* **Golf Ball**: But wait again!
* **Five**: Yes, Golf Ball? See, I remember who you are.
* **Golf Ball**: What if we don't want to fly with the other contestants?
* **Need****le**: Geebs is right! You know I live, like, twenty minutes away from here.
* **Five**: You don't *have* to fly home. In fact, the fewer people, the better. We've already got a chizload of furniture coming in.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Ooh, how exciting, our last moments together on a skydiving trip!
* **Snowball**: Yet another!
* **Golf Ball**: Well, I'm going to fly with my family on a regular, *regulated* airline that doesn't allow its planes to pick up furniture all willy-nilly.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: We planned early: from here we fly to Addis Ababa, then from there to London, then to Chicago, then to Cedar Rapids; and from there we hope to be picked up by the nearest taxi to take us home at 4 a.m. two days later.
* **Th****e****ol****a**: We didn't exactly have a say in this.
* **Ga****ty Not Related**: I want to ride in the ex-con plane!
* **Two**: So is the end for you, Balls? Is this the last time we'll see you?
* **Golf Ball**: You are correct. See you later! [*going*]
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: We won't be out of the picture right away; we're just waiting for the closest vehicle Costello can get his hands on.

[*Soni exspectati of farewell.*]

* **Two**: Well, it was nice having you two as my contestants!
* **Golf Ball**: Farewell!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Bye!
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy wishes you a long trip full of spontaneity!

[*Exeunt* **Golf Ball** *and* **Tennis Ball** *with their entire family. Throughout the next few scenes, they periodically look into the window at Two and the others waiting inside. Lollipop, now no longer bouncing her ball against the wall, yawns and stretches.*]

* **Two**: [*sighs*] I'm going to be saying that a lot tonight, aren't I?
* **Lol****l****ipop**: Listen, I'm just exhausted.
* **G****at****y**: That's what happens when you do the same thing for hours.
* **S****aw**: I believe that's the definition of insanity. And not the *Inanimate* kind.
* **Lol****l****ipop**: I'm just bored, okay? Anyway, people, it's time for us to go too. Don't want to get in the way of the early morning traffic.
* **R****u****b****y**: Ooh, let me follow you out, Flower!
* **Fl****ow****er**: Okay!
* **G****at****y**: See you, Lollipop. Stay in touch, huh?
* **Lol****l****ipop**: I will.
* **S****aw**: Same with you, Ruby!

[**Ruby** *jumps onto* **Flower***'s back as the two of them exit with* **Lollipop**.]

* **R****u****b****y**: Bye, Bok! Bye, Penc-penc-penc, I'll ring you as soon as I get to the holiday house!

#### FreeSmart table

* **B****o****k**: Sounds good!
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, no, Ruby, get some sleep first, I'm begging you!

[*By now, the three have left. Pencil sighs quietly before looking down at* **Match**, *who is still asleep.* **Ice Cube** *and* **Bok** *go back to reading their book together, while* **Bubble** *lingers in the background, tracing the patterns on the wallpaper with her finger.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Surprised she didn't notice her leaving.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): She's still sleeping, Mum!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I know. Oi, Match. [*shakes her*]
* **Ma****tch**: [*sleep-talking*] Yes, Lech, we can, like, go to the love shack. In fact... I prefer it there.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're not meant to hear chiz like that, Maxine.
* **P****en**: I got this. [*clears throat*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, that's real attractive. /s Good thing you don't smoke, mate!
* **P****en**: Match, are you even alive? Speak to me!

[*Pen accidentally wakes up* **Ita** *and* **Yesa**, *who had fallen asleep in the previous scene.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Omg, I'm awake!
* **P****en**: Ita! Thank goodness you're alive! [*hugs her*]
* **Y****es****a**: [*stretches*] Oh, I've got work tomorrow.
* **P****e****nci****l**: In a job you said you'd quit in a few weeks. Besides, your shift don't start till noon, you said. You can sleep in the next morning.
* **Y****es****a**: Yeah, but I'm tired, and all the noise. Ugh.
* **P****e****nci****l**: One knows it's loud when it's starting to affect somebody as firm as me. I must be terribly mad that I'm actually persuading you to go to work later than you ought to.
* **Ma****tch**: Loooove, baby, that's where it's at...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Avert your ears!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Dad, let me try waking her up.
* **P****en**: You think you can do that?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Sure! I mean, I've been living in a zoo for the past few years. [*whispering*] Aunt Match!

[*Match wakes up.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Huh?! Oh. Hi.
* **B****o****k**: [*not looking up*] There she is.
* **Ice Cube**: We thought you were dead.

[*Enter* **Liy**, *who rushes in and grabs Pencil by the shoulders.*]

* **Li****y**: *Hey, Pencil!*

[*This awakens* **Ivor**, **Zira** *and* **Sam**.]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Huh?
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): What?
* **Li****y**: No-no-no, go back to sleep.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Okay! [*lays his head on the table*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Thought your people were quieter than that, Liy.
* **Li****y**: So what's the situation here? What's your fate after TPOT?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, that's easy. We're staying with my parents in the city till after Hanukkah, and then we'll be in Canada indefinitely. Or at least by Christmas.
* **Li****y**: Wouldn't it be more efficient to go to Canada to see his parents first *before* spending Christmas with your family? I mean, you're just celebrating holidays that nobody else in your household does.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's what I said! But...
* **P****en**: It was my idea. It seems easier!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I let him do one thing for all of us and it was that. /j Smart lad. [*pats him on the cap*]
* **P****en**: That's me!
* **Li****y**: But you're still going on the plane.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Of course. I can't be bothered to walk all the way to my parents' house like some people.

[*Needle clears her throat.*]

* **Need****le**: Speaking of, Pencil, I'm leaving now. I've already said goodbye to Coiny and Pin. *And* Clock *and* his wife. My head hurts now.
* **Ma****tch**: You've become, like, a social butterfly, eh?
* **Need****le**: Yeah. Well, I'll see you lot on the telly if things go well. Penc, I'll see you at home; there may not be any more of Mum's brigadeiro cake by the time you get there!
* **P****e****nci****l**: That won't be a promise!
* **P****en**: Safe walking at night, you hear? [*finger guns*]
* **Need****le**: I know the way home like the top of my eye. Alright, laters!

[*Exit* **Needle**.]

#### Outside

[*From the point of view of inside.*]

* **Need****le**: [*seeing Golf Ball and Tennis Ball*] Oh, you're still here!

[*A taxi pulls up.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Not any more!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: See you, Needle!
* **Chris** **Jr****.**: Bye, Needy!

[*Beat.*]

* **Need****le**: [*going*] I'm not going to slap a child, so I'll just hit a tuft of grass instead. [*hits the ground*]

[*As* **Needle** *leaves in one direction and the* **Balls** *in the other, the sound of an aeroplane landing is heard.*]

#### Main dining area

* **Five**: [*who has been looking out the window*] And it looks like their cab isn't the only thing taxying over!

[*The plane comes into view. By now, everyone still awake is looking at the window to see it land in the open space before the restaurant.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Uh-oh.
* **Woody**: *Aayeeeeeeeeeeeeee!* [*runs outside*]
* **Balloony**: Oh no, aeroplanes are one of the few things that Woody's aye feart from!
* **L****i****s****a**: [*Aside.*] What else is new?
* **Cloudy**: And I think it's going to unleash something emetic in Rocky!
* **Yellow Face**: ***EMETIC?! WHAT'S THAT?!***
* **Roc****ky**: [*vomits a tiny bit*] Bull—
* **E****g****gy**: Jeez, what is with your children?
* **Balloony**: I think he's about to dae his thing!
* **Cloudy**: Family outing!
* **Balloony**: See you later, all!

[**Balloony**, **Cloudy**, **Nickel** *and* **Rocky** *run out of the Steakhouse.* **Five** *retreats to the dressing room.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Bye Naily, bye Taggy, bye Cake, see ya Bomby, Cake and the rest of ex-Just— [*gets dragged away by the force of Rocky's vomit*] *Noooooooooooot!*
* **Roc****ky**: [*sending the family up into the sky*] *LEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH!*
* **N****a****ily**: Bye, Nickel!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: But hello, plane.

[*Soni exspectati, as they all look at the aircraft in awe. Two talks into the microphone again.*]

* **Two**: It looks like your plane has just arrived, so if you'll all join Five outside to board it, that would be brilliant. Thank you. [*drops mic*]

[*About four-tenths of the ex-contestants go outside to admire the plane, while the rest stay inside out of scepticism.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, I don't think I want to go out unless someone's there to escort us in.
* **Winner**: I think that's how it works at most airports.
* **Five**: [*off-screen*] Did someone say escort?
* **Two**: Five, get out here!
* **Five**: Got it!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Here comes the big reveal, am I right?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I'm getting you vibes.

[**Five** *saunters from backstage to reveal his attire: he is dressed in the typical blue uniform of a Pan Am flight attendant.*]

* **B****o****k**: Now that look suits you, Five.
* **Ma****tch**: You look, like, not poor.
* **F****i****ve**: Thank you. Now, I'd better go outside and help the crowd on.
* **Two**: You go do that; I'll be in here.
* **Baske****t****ball**: In that case, we'll follow!

[*More ex-contestants go outside, some of them blowing air-kisses at the Steakhouse. Manet Two, looking at the wall clock for a few seconds as the restaurant begins to empty.*]

* **Two**: Wait, wait for me!

### **Mostly exterior scenes**

**Scene**The night sky is slightly hazy as the plane lands outside Gelatin's Steakhouse. The door opens under **Five**'s direction and the air-stairs are revealed as some of the ex-cons make their way there, while others linger. A queue is formed, led by **Clock** and **Kosrae** (with **Samir** on her head, asleep), which is sure to be broken as soon as the pace picks up.

**Two** rushes over to the other side of the stairs to say a personal goodbye to their former contestants, because that's the kind of ex-host they have become.
* **F****i****ve**: Good early morning, thank you for flying with the five of us. *Bonjour très tôt, merci d'avoir pris l'avion avec nous—*

[**Clock** *ignores him and rushes onto the plane with his family.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: I'm going to have a look at this thing; make sure it's got enough weight to carry all of our furniture.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Good idea, my flageolet might be contributing a little.
* **B****atter****y**: And my keytar!
* **Pr****of****il****y**: And my drumset! [*all going, with their instruments*]
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Wait, I should be the first one to... [*groans*]
* **F****i****ve**: That's your in-flight entertainment, Clock. Trust me, when you're in the air, you'd rather have them than the French dub of *Airplane!*.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*shrugs his hands*] Oh well.
* **Two**: See you, Clock *et cetera*! It's been a great pleasure working with you all these years!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yeah, likewise!

[*Intrant* **Clock** *and* **band**. **Donut** *and* **Suzie** *go behind them.*]

* **S****u****z****i****e**: Well, I hope this plane has good seats. I don't want to start our pan-African tour with a pained bum.
* **Donut**: Don't worry, I know how much you hate flying.
* **Two**: [*waving*] Ta-ta, Don and Crêpe Suzanna!
* **S****u****z****i****e**: It's Suz... forget it. [*Intrat.*]
* **Donut**: Hey, Two, if you ever have a hosting gig available, I'll be there!
* **Two**: You'll come out of retirement?
* **Donut**: Hmm. Now that you put it like that, I'd better think about it. It's a lot to think about, but luckily we've got a tour to get through and—
* **E****g****gy**: Hi-*ya!*

[**Eggy** *pushes* **Donut** *into the plane, with the added pressure of* **Liliane** *(Fries' wife) and her kids, along with* **Barf Bag**, **Burnie** *and* **Aresko**.]

* **Donut**: Eish! I thought this place had smooth service! [*Intrat.*]
* **F****i****ve**: We do; it's just the passengers you have to worry about!
* **[** **Barf** **Bag** · **B****u****r****n****i****e** **]**: Sorry! [*Intrant, with* **Eggy**.]
* **Ar****esko**: [*giggles*] Canadians. [*Intrat.*]

[*On the ground,* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote** *begin to part company with their old pact, while* **Lincoln** *and* **Lisa** *are seen boarding independently of their parents.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Well, I guess this is it.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's not like I've been hearing that all night, mate. /j
* **Ma****r****ker**: There's that sense of humour!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: Actually, I think he's serious.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No. /s
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I can't believe this is the day our pact becomes a distributed workforce. We won't be able to check in on each other's death-preventing efforts like during the contest. Will you all promise to prevent death for the rest of your days?
* **Min****i Cyc****lone**: I promise.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: So do I.
* **Pi****e**: And if Pherre didn't go home early, she'd promise too.

[*Tree notices* **Bottle** *running around, chasing a millipede.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Oh no, you don't. [*picks Bottle up and carries her above his head*] You're boarding this plane risk-free.
* **Bot****tle**: I appreciate the help!
* **G****r****e****g****g**: That's my man.
* **Pill****ow**: [*going*] Can you carry me too, Treeënce? If you don't, my otherworldly attitude might cause second-hand embarrassment about me, and the stairs will fall and everyone will die.
* **T****r****e****e**: Who do I look like, Lou Fe-brig-no? Okay, see you soon, Black Hole, Remote.

[*Intrant, as Two waves at the departing pact.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We've only been away from them for ten seconds and I'm already missing them dearly. I'm a-get in line to see them on the plane till they take off.
* **Puffball**: [*overhearing*] Wait, you could do that in the '80s?

[*Not listening, Black Hole sighs.*]

* **F****i****ve**: [*in the background*] Marker, Lightning... Micyrneclane... it says here you're all going to the same place.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: We are! We're to be dropped off at Denmark.
* **F****i****ve**: Anywhere in Denmark?
* **Ma****r****ker**: Yeah, I can show them around! And if we land in some farm, we can have fun working the land!
* **F****i****ve**: In that case, prepare to toil on the plane. Thank you for flying!

[*Intrant* **Marker** *and* **Mini Cyclone**.]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*going*] We'll call you, BH! [*Intrat, waving.*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So goes some of my best friends here.
* **P****en**: Don't worry, Black Hole! I know exactly what you mean.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*startled*] Ah!
* **P****en**: But I'm still here, right?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes. Yes, you are. And so am I.
* **P****en**: I was trying to say goodbye to everyone I liked before they went to the lineup.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: How many people's that?
* **P****en**: Just about everyone, haha! I'm so popular.

[*Black Hole looks through the window of the steakhouse and sees that some ex-contestants are still inside. As this happens* **Hose'é**, **Basketball** *and* **Grassy** *board the plane.*]

* **F****i****ve**: *¡Buen viaje!* Did I say that right?
* **Hose****'****é**: *¡Sí!* [*Intrat.*]
* **B****e****ll**: I like your uniform, Five!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, where can I get something like that?
* **F****i****ve**: [*as* **Bell** *goes in*] Want to be dropped off in the Marquesas instead of South America?
* **Baske****t****ball**: What do you say, Grassy?
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy loves parts of the world that lie slightly below the equator!
* **F****i****ve**: Have a nice flight! [*Intrant.*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hey, Pen, when are you going to make your move? You've been a bit quiet all night.
* **P****en**: You sure about that, buddy? I bet my "Volare" cover really punched a hole in the ozone layer!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I mean the whole, you know, proposal thing. If I could confess my love tonight, you can do the same.
* **P****en**: Gee, you're right! I'm going to do it! [*looks inside*] I'm going to do it.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wow. If I still had my arms, I'd use them, to pat you on the back.
* **P****en**: Imaginary back-pat accepted, buddy!

#### Inside

[*Inside the dining area, where the lights are on but the ambient music has stopped. The ex-contestants and relations are scattered around the restaurant, with* **Pencil**, **Match**, **Bubble** *and* **Fanny** *standing around the FreeSmart table (where the* **kids** *still sit, clearly bored—all but Rhoza and Soniri are awake).* **Bok** *and* **Ice Cube** *play a game in one corner of the room, while* **Eraser**, **Blocky** *and* **Snowball** *are talking in the other.* **Coiny** *and* **Pin** *talk to* **TV** *near the back of the restaurant.* **Naily** *and* **Bomby** *stand near the doorway, watching* **Price Tag**, **Robot Flower** *and* **Cake** *chatter wordlessly on the bench outside. The rest of the ex-cons are either milling around outside (as in the case of* **Black Hole** *and* **Pen**, *visible through the window) or have already boarded the plane. There is a great sense of finality in the air as things quickly wrap up.*]

* **Fan****ny**: Hup, my pact's leaving now.
* **Ma****tch**: You see it too, don't you?
* **Fan****ny**: Of course, I've got eyes with which to see. Unlike you, who've only got eyes with which to scare off your dates.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): [*claps one*] Eyy, she got you there!
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, rude!
* **Fan****ny**: I hate being accused of rudeness! Well... I'd better go and tell the Algebralien in charge to drop me off just above me mom's house in Wolverhampton.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why's that?
* **Fan****ny**: I want to surprise her. And I hate surprises!
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Ooh, can I follow you there? I triple-checked Foive's itinerary, and they fly over England before Yoyleland.
* **Fan****ny**: Sure, why not; there's hardly a chance they'll consider your weightlessness an hindrance. Come on, let's go. [*going*]
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: I'd better take the itinerary, too. [*grabs the timetable*] Boy-boy, Pencil, Match, everyone else!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Boy-boy!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Girl-girl! [*laughs*]
* **Ma****tch**: See you at my, like, birthday party!

[*Exit* **Bubble**.]

* **Fan****ny**: Oh! And before I go, I'd like to tell you that I hate you all. Yeah.

[*Exit* **Fanny**.]

* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): That was *the* nicest thing she's ever said.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Eh, she said she moderately disliked something, like, once.

[*Enter* **Liy** *from the dressing room.*]

* **Li****y**: [*Aside.*] They're not even awake. [*grabs Pencil's shoulders again*] Hey, Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, you're doing that thing again.
* **Li****y**: I've decided to stalk Coiny and Pin.
* **Ma****tch**: And do they, like, know this?
* **Li****y**: I'll just tell Five that I'm to be landing at their house in Garden Grove, California. That's next to San Francisco, right?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*quite confused*] Aye, I think it is.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): But why don't you want to go back to Sweden, Liy?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Yeah, aren't you in an economic boom over there?
* **Li****y**: Oh, you sweet summer child... I got my reasons.

[*Coiny jumps off the table.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Whee! [*lands on his face*] That did not hurt.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Haha! Fail!
* **Co****i****ny**: You liked that?
* **P****i****n**: Okay, people, we're leaving too!
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah, Linc and Lisa are already on the plane and they're saving our seats as aggressively as they possibly can.
* **P****i****n**: Which, in teenage terms, means doing the bare minimum.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): I already said bye to Lisa, so I'm fine. [*smiles*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Bloody hell, I'm going to be a nan, aren't I? And where's Pen gone to?
* **Li****y**: He wasn't in his dressing room.
* **Y****es****a**: I think I see Dad outside talking to Black Hole.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*snorts*] I bet he's asking for tips on how to be a game show success story.

[*Naily sticks herself in the ground.*]

* **Bom****by**: You're attracting attention, aren't you?
* **N****a****ily**: Yep. [*Aloud; gets up.*] Alright, everybody, we heard the plane's more comfy than here, so we're going now!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Aw, you're leaving?
* **N****a****ily**: Yep. *Jaa ne*, Ita-chan!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*waves*] *Mata ne!*

[*Exit* **Naily**, *walking by* **Two**, *who goes through the doorway.*]

* **Bom****by**: See ya, Two! Terrific competition. So happy to be eliminated fourth!

[*Exit* **Bomby**. *Before Two can realize it, he has given them the V-sign for a split second. Coiny gets up from the floor.*]

* **Two**: Wow, the rest of you are leaving so quickly!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I mean, it is a plane. Those things aren't slow.
* **Two**: They are slow when compared with—
* **[** **Two** · **P****e****nci****l** **]**: Algebraliens.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I know.
* **Two**: It was brilliant having people as charismatic and popular as you two on my show, Coiny, Pin.
* **P****i****n**: Aw, thank you!
* **Co****i****ny**: That really means something. We could have stayed with Four but decided against it.
* **Two**: You're my favourites!
* **T****V**: I bet you say that to all the ex-contestants.
* **Two**: Perhaps. Well, safe travels, you two!
* **Li****y**: Make that three! [*whispering*] Bye.
* **P****i****n**: Did you hear that, Coiny?
* **Co****i****ny**: Must be the wind. If it had a Swedish accent.

[*Pencil, Match and the kids wave* *goodbye* *to* **Liy** *as she leaves with* **Coiny** *and* **Pin**. **Two** *follows for good measure.*]

* **B****o****k**: I think she's going to escape her punishment again.
* **Ice Cube**: I want revenge!

[*Enter* **Pen**.]

* **P****en**: Hi!

[*Soni exspectati of greeting.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, you're here. I was cleaning out your dressing room earlier while you were out chatting with your mates. [*holds up a small bag*]
* **P****en**: Thanks, Penc, you're the best! How'd you do it so fast?
* **P****e****nci****l**: It wasn't that hard, really. I just used the hoover you got from the old challenge before I came along and sucked the whole place up. It was quite tricky getting around the sleeping couple in there, but I managed.
* **P****en**: Like you always do. [*puts his arm around her*] Uh... so are Rho and Sonny still asleep?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, they are.
* **Y****es****a**: To be fair, it is way past their bedtime.
* **P****en**: Could you wake 'em up?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Suppose this mean we're leaving, yeah? Right-o. [*claps once*] *Wake up!*
* **T****V**: Uh, loud! [*goes outside*]

[*Sonny wakes up.*]

* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): I'm awake.
* **R****h****oza**: I'm not.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Yes, you are! Your head's just down on the table.
* **R****h****oza**: [*puts her head up*] Okay, you caught me. What's up?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Looks like we're about to board Five's aeroplane. Let's get out of here.
* **Ma****tch**: But we're going to miss, like, the Steakhouse Special!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What special, girl? The fact that this place is still open for as small a crew as possible when most normal people should be asleep? We'd better go as soon as possible so we can get good seats. Not that I'm one to complain about ending up at the back or demanding special treatment.
* **Ma****tch**: No yeah, that's, like, a me thing. Extra peanuts, here I come!

[*Match gets up and heads to the door, giving Two a high-five for no reason.*]

* **Ma****tch**: I'm going to miss it here. [*gives the room an air-kiss*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Match, you're staying in this country just like us!
* **P****en**: Yeah, you can come here any time you like!
* **Ice Cube**: And with any guy you want!
* **Ma****tch**: For, like, a week. Then I'm off to Mom and Ari's, remember? Omg, what am I yammering on about? I've never been awake this long!

[*Exit* **Match**.]

* **Ice Cube**: [*scoffs*] Unaccompanied, that is.
* **B****o****k**: That was good.
* **Ma****tch**: [*outside*] Omg, the line is, like, super long. And it's cold. Hold me, Cake!
* **C****a****ke**: I don't even know you!
* **Ma****tch**: We met, like, once.
* **B****o****k**: Wait, Match, save us some seats too!
* **Ice Cube**: We'd better go. [*going*]
* **Bracel****ety**: Yaaaaaay, Icy! [*runs after Ice Cube*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Alright, we'll meet the four of you there.

[*Exeunt* **Bok**, **Ice Cube** *and* **Bracelety**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Well! I can see we're all ready. Have you got everything with you? If not, come, it's time to board.
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Are we lining up like before? [*carries Soniri*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: You reckon Five'll let us in all unorganized?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Gee, I never thought of it that way... but maybe! Bye, beef restaurant!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): See ya, Steakhouse.
* **Y****es****a**: Goodbye, grill!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Farewell, food place!
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Cheerio, chophouse.
* **R****h****oza**: *Kwaheri*, café.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): *Arigatou*, asador!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): That means "thank you", Zira.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And your father's still got his entertainment thing here every day.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Whoops!
* **Y****es****a**: Come on!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): We're sure going to miss eating here!

[*All begin to walk out. Manet Pen, who looks up at the ceiling. Pencil stops.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, you coming?
* **P****en**: [*not turning around*] I was just thinking about somethin'.
* **P****e****nci****l**: This may be important. Kids, save us seats, yeah?
* **Y****es****a**: Sure thing, Mum.

[*The kids start to walk out.*]

* **P****en**: One could say it's important.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, it must be if it's got me left hanging here. [*awkward laugh*] Are you alright?
* **P****en**: Pencil... [*turns around*] Wouldn't it be super cool if we got married?

[*Silence.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Children, get back here!

[*The kids hurry in, excited.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Did I just hear Dad say "married"?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): I'm not one to eavesdrop, but I thought I did!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Who's getting married?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Is this what they call a proposal?
* **P****en**: That's exactly what it is, as a matter of fact. A proposal.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*crosses herself*] Oh, *bom senhor do céu*...
* **P****en**: Pencil...

[*Pen kneels on the floor of the steakhouse. He glances down to notice how dusty it is, but looks back up at Pencil and gives her his most charming smile.*]

* **P****en**: Pencil B. C. O. Triángolo... will you—

[**Fries** *pokes Pen with the bottom of a broom.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Could you take this outside, please? This can wait; I'm trying to clean this floor so it doesn't look like we're littering.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Fries, you tosser-faced doofoid!
* **P****en**: C'mon, gang.

[**Pencil** *and* **Pen** *walk out, holding each other's hands, followed by most of the kids.*]

* **Two**: [*from outside*] Anybody left in there?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: *Yeah, I've got at least twelve of them!* [*clears throat*] I hate being loud. I bet my wife and kids have already boarded while I'm stuck cleaning up for you people.
* **Y****es****a**: You know, I think this is the most relevant thing you've done this season.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Shh. [*points out the door*]
* **Y****es****a**: Right.

[**Yesa** *gives Fries a mock bow and leaves. Fries turns off the lights in the dining area and jumps in fright.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Oh chips, I'm in darkness!

#### Outside

[*Outside, ex-contestants and relations continue to board.* **Five** *looks a bit more impatient, but not enough to show it.* **Pencil** *and* **Pen** *still hand in hand, join the queue with* **Match** *in front of them and the* **children** *closely behind.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Pen. I know this is no Canada in winter, but it's so cold out here.
* **P****en**: Penc, I can never be cold when I'm with you. [*gives her a kiss on the cheek*] It's because of you that my heart's caught in an everlasting love.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, *please* save the affection for above flight level 320. /j
* **P****e****nci****l**: Match, he did the P-thing.
* **Ma****tch**: You did?! Finally, son of a g—what did you say? Are you going to marry this man, Penc-penc?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Yeah, Penc-penc, are you going to marry him?
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*blushes*] Well...

[*Pencil's reply is interrupted by* **Five**, *who throws* **Stapy** *out of the plane, followed by* **Foldy**, *who naturally floats to the ground with an unamused expression on her face. During this Pencil and Pen never take their eyes off each other.*]

* **St****a****py**: Gosh darn you, people!
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, ooglay tourist alert!
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): What happened?
* **St****a****py**: They won't let me on the plane!
* **F****i****ve**: Nope. *Non.* How do you say that in your language, Stapy?
* **St****a****py**: *Geen.*
* **F****i****ve**: Yeah, I can't pronounce that.

[*Stapy flips himself away and does another kind of flip in Five's face.*]

* **Ma****tch**: You know, Stapy... maybe you got rejected 'cause you're just too, like, fat-like.
* **F****old****y**: Actually, it's because Five's airline doesn't recognize Stapy's home country.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Guess that's what happens when you make up random places like South-West Africa.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): No, I think that's real.
* **St****a****py**: Irregardless, we're going to walk in the opposite direction!
* **F****old****y**: [*defiantly*] Yeah! Goodbye!
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): See ya, Stapy-kun!

[*Exeunt.*]

* **F****i****ve**: Alright, now that that's taken care of...
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Yes!*
* **Ma****tch**: What yes?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, I will do it! [*hugs Pen*] Benedetto Graffeo, I *will* be your wife!
* **P****en**: You will?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Unhesitatingly, yes!
* **P****en**: D'awww, that's just *awesome!* I love you.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg!
* **Y****es****a**: I'm so happy for you both!
* **R****h****oza**: It's about time.

[**Eraser** *and* **Blocky** *rush out of the steakhouse building and join the queue, shoving the others.*]

* **Blocky**: *Move!*
* **Eraser**: Yo, get out the way!
* **G****at****y**: Ow.
* **C****a****ke**: Oh, gosh.
* **Eraser**: Ey, yo, Benny, she said yes?
* **Blocky**: Come on, bro, tell us! It's not to late to use Match's head to light this place up!
* **Ma****tch**: Try it and I'll drop you right outside, like, Brooklyn.
* **Eraser**: Ohhhhh, chiz!

[*Intrant* **Match** *and the* **kids**. **Pencil** *follows with great dignity, the smile never leaving her face and her hand never leaving Pen's. Before Pen boards the craft, he looks out and gives Blocky, Eraser and* **Black Hole***—floating over to the door—a sustained thumbs-up.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: She said yes?
* **P****en**: She sure did!

[**Remote** *jumps from the top of the airstairs to the ground.*]

* **P****en**: Good news, Remote, Pencil said yes!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What?
* **P****en**: Gee whiz, I might be the happiest pen in the world! *Yahooooooooooo!*

[**Pen** *raises his hands in triumph and runs onto the plane to rejoin his family.*]

* **Eraser**: [*punches Blocky in the elbow*] You hear that, bro? She said yes!
* **Blocky**: Now I don't have to commit a crime! Sorry, folks in line.

[*Intrant. At ground level, Remote rushes over to Black Hole and sits beside to him.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*sighs*] Isn't love great?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And now we have it.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We sure do.

[*Meanwhile, by the plane.*]

* **F****i****ve**: [*to Cake*] That just warms my heart. I've been in this business for over a year and I've never seen anything as wild as this.
* **C****a****ke**: I thought this wasn't your first rodeo! [*Intrat.*]
* **F****i****ve**: [*as the others board*] Thank you for flying, thank you for flying, thank you for flying, and we hope your mornings are as good as mine.
* **G****at****y**: Yeah, we hope.
* **S****aw**: I sure h***8*** turbulence!
* **G****at****y**: But I like it. I like it a lot. Haha.

[*Intrant.* **Snowball** *looks around, and while no one's looking directly at him, he raises his right fist in the air and begins to fly upwards, much to no one's surprise.*]

* **Snowball**: Up! Up! Additionally, *awaaaaaaay!* [*going*]
* **Yellow Face**: ***YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!***
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Whatever.

[*Intrant, with* **Reefka** *and* **Morán**. *Meanwhile, on the ground, Black Hole and Remote are now talking with* **Price Tag** *and* **Puffball**.]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh my, did any of you just see Snowball fly into the air?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I think I did.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Black holes are known for their sense of seeing.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Ah well.
* **Puffball**: Where are you going after this, Taggy?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I'm just going to travel round the world. See the end of the Cold War in countries I've never heard of and all that. I mean, I could always stay with my family for the millennium, but then I'd have to see myself born.

[*Beat.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah. Time travelling's weird like that.
* **Puffball**: That's what I'm doing!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: You going to 2021?
* **Puffball**: Nah. 2012. I want to see my family like they were when I left for BFDIA.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Not a bad year. You'll have to go through that whole "end of the world" thing again.

[*Black Hole and Remote look at each other, confused.*]

* **Puffball**: I'm not afraid. Not like I got a deadly plague like the time you come from!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Ha, that's right! [*sighs a bit*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*Aside, to Black Hole.*] What?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We don't need to know.
* **Puffball**: Ah, I just miss having a thousand TV channels.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: And the Internet.
* **[** **Puffball** · **P****ri****c****e Tag** **]**: Independent Uzbekistan!
* **Puffball**: I don't care what anyone says, I'm leaving right now. See y'all on Vintage Network reruns!

[**Puffball** *spins herself round, first slowly, then at extreme speed (this is how she travels through time) and finally spins so fast that she disappears from the present.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: There she goes.
* **F****i****ve**: [*in the distance*] Five minutes to final boarding call for Flight FTPOT!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: We should meet up sometime. Like for coffee in Colombia or tea in Turkey or something.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Absolutely.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But, wherever you go, don't forget to have fun.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oh, I will. Hooroo!

[**Price Tag** *runs up the airstairs, ready for their next adventure.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Who was that again?

[*Enter* **TV** *and* **Robot Flower**.]

* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Oh no, did we miss everyone?
* **T****V**: It appears so.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What were you two doing inside?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: I was watching TV analyse the structure of the building so he can rebuild it at home!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You're leaving too, aren't you?
* **T****V**: Yep. It was nice being in this show, but... I miss 21st-century California.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You miss your *Internet*?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And independent Uzbekistan?
* **T****V**: I see you've been talking to the others, ha. But it's not just that. I miss my wife and my daughter. I just know they're watching me right now.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Whoa. That's trippy.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah, I never know you got a "womans".
* **T****V**: Lindsay and Julia were my world... and sure enough, I'll be back in theirs.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm proud of you.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: The best way to avoid being kicked off the premises.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: I might just kick him all the way to the future! Nah, I'm kidding. I'd better make haste. Farewell, Teevs.
* **T****V**: [*displays image of an arm waving*] Catch you later, Ro-bot Flaur.

[**Robot Flower** *boards the plane.*]

* **T****V**: Well... I'll always remember myself for saying the first spoken word of the season. You won't mind being quiet for the rest of the night after I talk, do you?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sure, TV, right after we discover planets further than Pluto. /s
* **T****V**: I'm joking; I'm not that self-centred. But I'll still say it, you know, for good measure.

[*TV imitates Four from BFB 17, the very first thing to be seen in the original 1973 broadcast of* The Power of Two; *but instead of showing Four, his screen displays very long message thanking his fellow contestants for being so great and the viewers for watching, which scrolls up at breakneck speed as he says his last word.*]

* **T****V**: *What!*

[*Using time-travelling powers beyond our comprehension,* **TV** *zaps himself out of existence. Apart from the plane, Black Hole and Remote are now outside all alone.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: He was nice.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: He was my rival, but we didn't act like it. Hey, are we going to spend all night trashing ex-contestants?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Nah.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Aw.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Actually, I think this is our cue to leave, too.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Good idea.

[*Black Hole and Remote begin to make their way out of the area.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I think I know which seat we're going to sleep in, once we get to the library.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: The one in front, near the entrance?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yep.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I like this mischievous side of you, Mr. Hole.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We'll turn some heads tomorrow morning.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We'll be like, "Surprise!"

[*Black Hole pauses and takes a final look back.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Goodbye, TPOT.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You've done us well.

[**Remote** *looks at Five in the distance, about to enter the plane, and then back at the almost empty Steakhouse, most of the lights out. She salutes the area where Two once stood as she joins* **Black Hole** *on a journey of her own.*]

## End of the epilogue

[**Five** *searches the area and leaves his post. He is soon joined by* **Two**.]

* **Two**: Ready to fly away, my dear co-host?
* **F****i****ve**: As ready as ever.

[**Winner** *hurries over.*]

* **Winner**: Oh, no no no no, wait for me! Sorry I'm late, I was looking all over for my framed Loser picture and I can't see myself leaving without it.
* **F****i****ve**: It's fine; we don't have a time limit or anything.
* **Two**: Oh, and before you go—
* **Winner**: I know, I know. Thanks for being a choice host, Two!
* **Two**: That *and*...
* **Winner**: Right, I remember now!

[*Winner gives Two a high-five in the same way they did in the TPOT intro.*]

* **Two**: Yeah!
* **Winner**: Cheerio!

[*Intrat* **Winner**, *waving.*]

* **F****i****ve**: That's sweet.
* **Two**: But tell me: will you promise to come back as soon as you're done with this?
* **F****i****ve**: Yes, we've still got so much to catch up on.
* **Two**: So true! So... I'll see you round?
* **F****i****ve**: I mean, everyone who wants to go is already on the plane... so yeah.
* **Two**: Then I wish you safe travels! *Quirarachiconiné, Énou!*
* **F****i****ve**: *Coniné, Founou!* [*waves goodbye*]

[**Five** *climbs up the airstairs, which then deliberately collapse into the plane. The dialogue can still be heard from inside the plane, with Five speaking over a walkie-talkie that Two can hear from outside.*]

* **F****i****ve**: Are you ready, everyone?
* **Everyone**: ***YEAH!***
* **P****en**: I'm in love!
* **F****i****ve**: Thank you, Pen, we got that already, haha.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it.
* **F****i****ve**: And we have over a day of travelling ahead of us, so here we *gooooooooo!*

[*The ex-cons and relations cheer as the plane takes off. View from a fast, upward-moving camera: we see Two waving at the plane, with Remote and Black Hole visible further away. Ground level view again, with Two still waving.*]

* **Two**: Bye-bye!

[*Two sighs with a proud sense of contentedness, puts their arm down, turns to face the camera for two-tenths of a second and heads for the Steakhouse; for their day, not to mention their competition, has finally come to a close. Fade to black.*]

## Stinger to the epilogue

[*Fade in from black to what used to be Pen's dressing room.* **Four** *and* **X**, *who are indeed the sleeping couple mentioned earlier, are asleep, with the faint, currently red light from one of the mirror's bulbs shining through and illuminating the pair. A faint alarm sounds, coming from the decorative headband X has been wearing over his top-left sail during the episode's celebratory scenes. He gently wakes up.*]

* **X**: Huh? [*Pause.*] Four... Four, wake up!
* **Four**: Wh- what is it?
* **X**: Did you hear the news? It came through my *koeitsjisjikotsjimi!*
* **Four**: [*yawns*] And what's it say?
* **X**: They fired the Season 12 host! Now they're looking for a couple of spunky, game show–savvy numbers to take his place.
* **Four**: We're game show–savvy numbers!
* **X**: And we're full of spunk! D'you think we're up to the challenge, Four? You know, move back to Earth, find some new people to play by our rules, get our membranes back in the spotlight...

[*Clearly excited by the prospect, Four stares into the camera.*]

* **Four**: ***WHAT?***

[*Cut to black.*]

**THE END
of the TPOT GRAND FINALE**

**THE END
of TPOT: ACT VIII**

**THE END
of THE POWER OF TWO**
## Deleted scenes (from the epilogue)

* With Lollipop and Flower:

**Lol****l****ipop**: We'd better leave so we don't have to see the traffic.
**Fl****ow****er**: When I was your age, we didn't have traffic this early in the morning.
**Lol****l****ipop**: You had cars at the turn of the century?
**Fl****ow****er**: Hush!

* Winner was going to push Pen out of the way in the middle of his proposal. They were replaced by Fries because I thought he'd be more of the type.
* When Pencil and Pen go outside after the proposal for the first time. Some of the lines were moved around and the speakers were changed.

**F****i****ve**: Please, please, save the affection for above flight level 320. /j
**P****e****nci****l**: [*quietly, to Five*] Pen's just proposed to me.
**F****i****ve**: *NO WAY, A PROPOSAL?!* [*looks around*] I mean, what did you say?
**P****e****nci****l**: Well...
**Ma****tch**: Omg, what the hell is, like, holding this stupid line up?
**P****en**: [*dreamily*] My undying love for the lady of my life.
**P****e****nci****l**: He did the P-thing.
**Ma****tch**: Omg! That makes me forget, like, being out in the wind!

* Balloony and company were originally going to board the plane right after Pencil *et al.* For the sake of plot smoothness (whatever that means), they left as soon as the plane landed, making this note (not turned into dialogue) rather unnecessary:

As Pencil and Pen and the kids enter the plane, followed by Cake, Foldy, Stapy (he's too heavy situation), Five—aside: "When did this become Storybook Hour?" Gaty: "Was that an insult?"

* During the "Puffball and Taggy talk about the 21st century" scene, Naily and Bomby were going to be present, making some comments about future events.
* Robot Flower was to accompany TV to 2017, but I changed it so that she went travelling with the others.

TV: "Have no fear, you two, I'm still present!" "And Robot Flower!" "We'll stay on set till they kick us out!" "And she does kick." Business. "Wait, can I be the one to say the first word spoken in the series like I did earlier?" "Go nuts." "What. Haha! The first word is 'what'!" "I might just kick you all the way forward to the year 2017." Exeunt.

* I debated whether to put the credits song (*i.e.*, the "American Pie" parody) right after the pre-midnight scenes or right before the "stinger to the epilogue". I've a feeling that if this were an actual BFDI episode, they'd go with the latter option—it makes sense for stingers, even for a finale, to be very short. But instead I went with the former.
* Also on the subject of those who say "what": I had a whole news article prepared about what X was going to talk to Four about at the very end, the details of which I don't really remember (it was half a year ago). But the summary that the Season 12 host had just been sacked stuck.

## Notes

1. ↑ The opposite of *exeunt*, but with the same stage function: the ex-contestants exit the scene in the form of entering the plane, the inside of which we never see.
2. ↑ This is the first of the few spin-off opportunities presented at the end of this episode.
3. ↑ And this is the second...
4. ↑ And here's the third!

**Fake TPOT** [V]