Why You Should Never Buy Toilet Duck

How does my toilet get so clean? it's easy Duck's on my team! Duck's curved neck can get under the rim and fight germs right where they live, While Duck's fresh discs fight all day long; it's total toilet protection. Bye germs bye worries! Ahem oh sorry I didn't see standing over there in the doorway. Why don't ya come in? I was just about to make a cup of tea and some eggs and chips. I got a little story to tell you today my friend; would you like to hear it? No? Well that's just too fucking bad isn't it?

This is the story of why you should never buy Toilet Duck. For those of you not in on the loop, Toilet Duck is a brand of toilet cleaner whose bottle is shaped like a duck. It is made this way so that you are able to dispense the cleaner under the toilet rim. The mascot for Toilet Duck is named Duck. Real original name I know.

Now what a lot of people don't know is that Duck is actually completely real and he is quite a sadistic bastard if you don't mind me saying dear reader. Once you buy Toilet Duck, you are unknowingly locked into a contract by that dreaded beast of a mascot. If you even dare to buy another brand of toilet cleaner like Bleach for example whilst in the contract; Duck will place a bounty on your head, and I'm not talking about the chocolate bar Bounty either. Mr Duck will also follow you every time you go to your local Tesco's in order to make sure that you're only buying Toilet Duck to clean your toilets.

Duck believe or not was actually the one to found the Toilet Duck Company and founded it in the early 1980's. One chilly evening at a pub, Toilet Duck and his best friend Lord Omar were having a heated game of checkers. Lord Omar then betted that Toilet Duck cannot possibly create his own brand of toilet cleaner which could possibly outrival the more powerful cleaners like Mr Muscle. "Just watch me Omar." Duck said as he left the checkers game unfinished. Who did win the checkers game? The world may never know.

Duck headed back to the local lake and began pondering a ponder about how he could possibly make a world leading brand of toilet cleaner. He tried mixing a bunch of different cleaners together in a bowl but that ended up failing miserably for unknown reasons. Toilet Duck was ready to give up when he met someone who would help give him the inspiration to make the original Toilet Duck formula. That person was none other than Colonel Dodo. All of those evenings of reading the Oliver Charles/Bruno Tattaglia funnypasta guide are really beginning to pay off aren't they reader?

Now in these times, Colonel Dodo was not the cool dodo with horrible hearing that we all know today, No back n the 1980's, Colonel Dodo was a low level street sweeper who had brilliant hearing and a lot of passion for one young dodo. He was also not known as Colonel Dodo back then; no he was referred by his real name Johnny Dodo. No only joking readers; Dodo has always been referred to as Colonel Dodo. "Why don't you try putting a little bit of duck into Toilet Duck?" Dodo suggested. "What do you mean Colonel?" Duck asked as Colonel Dodo responded with, "come with me my bucko."

Colonel Dodo and Duck made their way to a nearby lake on the outskirts of Birmingham, While there, the pair saw a proper rad looking duck wearing sunglasses. It was just chilling in the middle of the lake minding it's own business paying no attention to Dodo and Duck. "Just follow my lead." Colonel Dodo said as he began creeping towards the cool duck. Dodo grabbed the cool duck and stuffed him into a bag. Dodo then gave Duck the bag as the pair began making their way back to Duck's lake. Back at the original lake, Dodo had Duck hold the cool duck down as he readied an axe. The axe made contact with the cool duck's neck killing it instantly. Dodo then proceeded to chop the duck up into million tiny pieces before throwing the pieces into the bleach mixture. He then proceeded to pour the contents of the mixture into a nearby blender, and blended the contents. After that, the original mixture of Toilet Duck was placed into a empty bleach bottle.

The pair headed to Dodo's rundown hut in the low east side in order to test their bleach on Dodo's toilet. The miracle bleach worked a treat but Duck needed a name for this miracle formula. Twas Dodo who chose the name Toilet Duck and Duck agreed happily. The only problem now present was that the pair had used the entire formula on Dodo's toilet. They needed more Toilet Duck.

They rented a duck from Farmer Francis and made another round of Toilet Duck with it. Duck and Dodo then rented another duck from Francis and then another. They ended up buying the entire duck farm from Farmer Francis who did nothing to stop them as he needed the money to buy a house made entirely out of solid gold. The pair began selling the recipe on the streets and it became an immediate failure as no one was buying it because it was no different to the other countless brands of toilet cleaner. That's when Duck hatched an idea.

He came up with the iconic duck shaped bottle which would help the bleach get right under the rim of the toilet bowl. With the new design, Toilet Duck began selling on the street like hotcakes. Duck's formula became so successful that he ended up buying an old abandoned warehouse converting it into the first Toilet Duck Manufacturing Plant in the world. Dodo meanwhile departed from Duck's side as he had become far too busy with founding Dodo Incorporated. Toilet Duck's sales were up the roof, and Duck was able to convert that money into bitcoins which he then used to invest into housing developments of the Spanish variety.

However, problems began to arise; you see Duck didn't have enough Toilet Duck formula going around so he began producing his own duck farm. He even started breeding chickens and geese. Geese are terrible anyway. One time, a goose chased me through the town until it got hit by a car driven by a pipsqueak pioneer.

Now Duck was also facing competition with other more powerful toilet cleaner brands. The most notable being of course; Cillit Bang. Cillit Bang is ran by local mob boss and TV personality: Barry Scott. Now at first, Duck didn't mind Barry Scott and thought that they could be really good friends. Barry Scott on the other hand disliked Duck greatly and dispatched his right-hand man Omar Suarez to get information on Duck's recipes. Suarez began spying on Toilet Duck HQ and eventually made contact with the head honcho himself. Suarez offered Duck 45% of Cillit Bang's profits just as long as he tells Suarez and Barry Scott the recipes. Duck happily accepted the offer and Omar was escorted off the premises by two of Duck's bodyguards.

Back in Croydon. Barry Scott was waiting patiently in his mansion for the arrival of Omar Suarez. He poured himself a glass of whiskey before going to look out the window. He couldn't believe what he saw! Omar Suarez hanging from a helicopter which then crashed into the mansion destroying instantly. Turns out Duck had contacts in the police department who told him that Omar is a copper and several years ago; ratted out some of Barry Scott's partners back in West Wallaby Street.

That evening, Barry Scott showed up at Toilet Duck HQ with a large army of mobsters. "Hi I'm Barry Scott!" Barry greeted before leading a full on assault on HQ. However, Duck was able to repel the attack and offered Barry a much better formula for his Cillit Bang. While developing the new formula, Duck showed Barry how it could clean pound coins with ease. "You love that one Barry." Duck laughed hysterically while Barry Scott cried heavily. You see; back in the old country; Barry Scott was tormented by his grandfather who use to shove pound coins into his ears. "Spare change spare change ha!" Barry's grandfather would joke before coughing cough drops into a nearby McDonalds brand tissue.

So with Barry Scott settled with the new formula; Duck went back to running his business as normal. That's when the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham got involved after receiving a tip off from a mouse with a severe noise injury. The Knights responded to their contact's information by dispatching one of their members named MT Bar to investigate Duck's farms. MT Bar is a chocolate bar who is a good family man but a horrible employee. He often goes out of his way to anger those who are providing support to the knights. "Oh hey what's going on from side to side." MT sang as he walked down the road towards a local hotel where he and Duck had agreed to meet up. MT appeared by the swimming pool and began walking towards Duck in slow motion. MT sat by Duck on a sun lounger and said, "my friends call me Chocoalottie." MT said as he chilled on the chair next to Duck. Two hours later, MT was no more for he melted in the blazing sun leaving behind only a pair of sneakers.

The word of MT Bar's death spread like wildfire and the Knights wanted immediate reprisal for his death. However, Duck was able to deflect the blame of MT's death over to the Red & Yellow M&M's who had been conspiring to get rid of MT after he stole Red's fiancé in the summer of 97 back when the world made sense. Back when the world wasn't bricks and you no one had to pay for air! Somehow the Knights believed the line; even though Red never had a fiancé. Red and Yellow had also never met MT and didn't even know who he was. The Knights dispatched mercenaries to take the M&M duo out. They have not been successful in doing so... yet!

Duck also had problems with Tesco who refused to pay Duck royalties for selling his product. Duck responded to this lynching of his profits by having Tesco raided by General R. Asquith who was on Duck's payroll for big money. Asquith went on to place Tesco under martial law. He threatened to keep Tesco under martial law until they paid $900,000 into Duck's bank account which they resultantly did.

By the mid 2000's, Duck started getting involved in the world of advertising as he planned on making Toilet Duck worldwide. His adverts brought Duck even more money and attention that he could ever have hoped of achieving. He was able to create several factories around the world even factories from as far north as Frisco. Duck became one of the most powerful and respected figures in the world of toilet cleaners. Even Duck's arch nemesis's Barry Scott and Mr Muscle grew respect for the smelly toilet cleaner that was Toilet Duck.

Sadly, Duck's fame and success came with an unfortunate price. For you see; Duck had begun eating chewits by the packet inbetween commercial breaks. It was a stress relief tactic thought to Duck by his cameraman Winston Chu an old addict of chewits. Duck began buying packs by the dozen from his local dealer who was using the remains of Big Pete's Christmas tree lot as the base of his operations. Duck was becoming reckless and had ducks killed left and right. He didn't even wait for the little duckies to grow into adults either. He had the chicks butchered to death and made it into the formula. Duck no longer had any moral code and only wanted one thing and one thing only. Money well that and chewits. Perhaps Duck was always a horrible cruel bastard. It's just so hard to tell.

According to my inside sources at HQ; Duck became a hard duck to be with. He began suspecting everyone and everything of conspiring against them. He believed all of his employees were snitching his secrets over to rivals. Despite there being no evidence of them snitching Duck would have his staff killed and replaced with newer ones. He would then kill that staff too once he began suspecting them as well.

Ladies and gentlemen, I recommend not bothering to buy Toilet Duck. Once you buy TD, Duck will have his eye on you at all times. He'll spy on you with a telescope made from cod liver. Whenever you go to your local Tesco's; Duck will be on your case and will tail you there and back. If you even dare to buy a brand of toilet cleaner which isn't TD well let's just say you'll be worse than hurt. Now if you'll excuse me I've got to go and give my toilet a clean. A nice good ducking clean.