Transcript: Stake It To Me Gently (S.I.N.K or Swim)

Satori: MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS-

Miles and Hunter exchange very worried glances.

Miles: Oh, Jesus Christ no.

The door to the team office swings open and slams the wall hard.

Satori: Why don't you have the flash drive?!

Miles: The what?

Satori: The flash drive??? The one full of the VERY important footage needed for new recruitment video packages?

Miles: I don't..know?!

Hunter: Why would he have it?

Satori: Because I gave it to him!

Hunter: You lost that info, dude?

Miles: I didn't mean to, man! I was just chill about it because I knew that Satori would have like 30 backups!

Satori, upon hearing this, sits down on one of the couches and buries her face in her hands.

Hunter, whispering: Dude, you're making her feel bad.

Miles, whispering: I make her feel bad for fucking existing! How am I supposed to remedy that??

Satori: Boys...this has been a problem for a while but-

Hunter: But..what?

Satori: We really need to talk about it now.

Satori: You two depend on me way too much.

Hunter: Uh...

Miles: Well of course. You're the most dependable person we know. You have backups and contingency plans and reworks and everything. You're like if Batman and Amaterasu had a baby.

Satori: But that's the problem, you two. I know you can hold your own in fights and stuff, but one day, I don't know if I'm gonna be there for you.

Hunter: Wait..what??

Miles: YOU'RE DYING?!

Satori: No...I just want you two to learn what it's like to not have me around.

Miles: But that would suck.

Hunter: Yeah. You're our best friend.

Satori: Well, it's still something you need to learn anyway, so from now on I wo-

PA: Team B-53, please report to the Mission Briefing Room.

Satori: Shit, I guess that'll have to wait.

The three run out the door of their office. Unfortunately, in his haste, Hunter doesn't see someone carrying papers and bumps into them. Hunter scrambles to help pick the papers up, only to see who he bumped into...

Hunter: Oh...uh...hey Laura.

Laura: VHAT DO YOU ZHINK YOU ARE DOING?!

Hunter: I'm sorry, ok?! It was an accident, I was moving too fast!

Laura: Bah! You are alvays moving too fast! Never take zhe time out of your day to just slow zhings down!

Hunter: I-

Laura: Hmmph!

S.I.N.K OR SWIM

Suddenly, the entire title card falls apart onto the floor

.Laura: See?! Even zhe title card got fucked because of you! You vuin everyzhing!

She storms away with her papers.

Hunter: Laura, I...goddammit.

Miles: Dude, what is with her?

Satori: Yeah, I can guarantee that if Miles or I bumped into her she wouldn't have made a scene like that.

Hunter: Because she's a whiny bitch, that's why. Fuck...forget it. Let's just go.

The three walk into the room.

Hologram Sam: Hey, guys! Ready for the briefing?

Miles: Hey, Hologram Sam. Always nice to see you.

Hologram Sam: It's great to see you guys too! And oh boy, do we have a fun mission for you three today. If you like video games, you're sure to enjoy this one!

The three take their seats in some chairs in front of a large TV screen.

Hologram Sam jumps into the TV and it turns on.

Hologram Sam: Recently, we've been getting multiple reports of a large, gothic castle appearing in and out of downtown San Francisco.

Hologram Sam: Eyewitnesses say it perfectly resembles the castle in the video game "Candlelight".

Miles: You mean that bullshit ripoff of Castlevania?

Hologram Sam: Uh, sure. Anyway, the castle seems to be glitching in and out of existence. This could be result of a cursed video game disk or cartridge. Possibly even a spirit possessing it.

Hologram Sam: Your mission, whether you accept it or not, is to track down the source of the castle, neutralize any threats, and then archive it in a S.I.N.K Vault.

Satori: Understood, sir.

Miles: You guys want some garlic bread?

A large, ancient, gothic castle, doused in purple and gray, looms over the 3 heroes.

Miles: So...this is it, huh?

Satori: Seems to be. There's no other building around like it.

Hunter: So what should we do first?

Miles pulls out a pair of reverse-infrared goggles.

Miles: These goggles only detect the absence of heat, not the presence of it. So we can use this to find any potential monsters that avoid sunlight, like vampires.

Hunter: Interesting.

Satori: Have you guys ever played Candlelight?

Miles: Yeah, it's shit. Not looking forward to this.

Hunter: What do you even do in it?

Miles: Walk around, whip shit, fight Dracula. It's the same thing Castlevania is known for, but worse.

Hunter: Never knew you were such a gaming junkie.

Miles: Half the shooting skills I have now I learned from Under The Sand, my favorite game of all-time.

Satori: That's worrying.

Miles: Oh ye of little faith, we shall see.

Hunter slowly opens the door. A swarm of bats rush out onto the agents' faces. They then fly away and glitch out of existence.

Satori: Strange. It seems the creatures generated by this castle die if they leave the confines of it. That's good to know.

Miles: Jesus, I hate this. Look, watch this.

Miles punches a hole in the wall. A large cooked turkey is inside, pristine and fresh. He takes a bite.

Miles: They even copied the wall turkey. Good job, guys.

Satori: Miles, just...stay focused. Ok?

Miles: How can I stay focused when we're walking in a one-for-one copy OF a one-for-one copy of one of the greatest side-scrollers ever made?

The lights go out.

The lights go back on.

Hunter: Did..that thing just move?

Miles: Oh god, Weeping Men. Of course they move. They're evil statues. Ever seen Dr. Who?

The lights go out.

The lights go back on.

Hunter: It's coming closer-

Satori: Did we happen to bring a jackhammer?

Miles searches through his Quantum Backpack.

Miles: Well, I've got this can of Erosion-To-Go.

Satori: That should work. Spray them!

The lights go out.

The lights go back on.

Hunter: Oh God, here they are-

Miles sprays the Erosion-To-Go on the statues. They begin crumbling and falling apart until they're nothing but dust.

[EROSION-TO-GO

Weapon Type: Spray

Usage: Limited - 19 ounces

Clearance Level Needed: 1

Description: Ever need to dissolve something fast? Got a big rocky thing lying around in the house too big to move? Erosion-To-Go is your spray! Only a few spritzes and giant rocks dissolve to rocks in seconds! Erosion-To-Go harnesses the very power of time itself to make decades long processes finish in seconds! Buy now for only $5.99.

Availability: MULTIPLE COPIES]

Miles: See ya, fuckstains.

Hunter: God, I hate those things.

Satori: Don't worry, you two. It's only a video game. From what we've seen, the rules of the game don't apply to us, so we don't have lives or anything.

Hunter: Let's just move to the next floor. I keep getting chills up my spine.

Miles: lt is pretty drafty.

The three make their way upstairs.

Hunter: This one seems...outdoorsy.

Miles: It's a balcony graveyard.

Hunter: Yeah. I know.

Satori: Stay sharp, guys. We've crossed into undead territory. Whether they're zombies, skeletons, whatever-

Miles: They're zombies. I played this level.

Satori: Ok, so that won't be too hard. I'm sure our mass arsenal is more then capable of canning some cadavers.

Hunter: Well, we're about to find out. Look!

Hunter points to one of the graves. A green hand is slowly emerging from it. Soon, zombies start to pop up all over the place, but something about them seems familiar...

Satori: Why do they all look like Minecraft zombies?

Miles: GAH! ANOTHER THING I HATE ABOUT THIS GAME! ASSET STEALING! Fucking untalented cowards..

Hunter: Well, regardless. I think it's high time we show them who's the boss here.

Satori: You guys ready?

Miles pulls out a magic tome.

Satori: Where did you get THAT?!

Miles: Adriel told me about it. So I checked the library.

Hunter: "The Tome of Puppies and Friendship"? What will this even do?

Miles: There are more then enough tomes out there that are dark and eldritch and shit. So why not try a happy one for a change?

Satori: That better work.

Miles: Let's see....ooh. Try this! Catuli, feles, amicitia in aeternum!

A few zombies then turn into cats and dogs.

Satori: Are..you fucking kidding?

Miles: Would you rather have a puppy or a brain-eating monster?

Hunter: I thought you loved fighting people.

Miles: Any new weapon, I'm open to trying. And this was a success.

A dog goes up to Satori and nuzzles her leg.

Satori: Aw..

Miles: See? You can question the method but not the result.

Suddenly, a woosh.

Miles: Oh god, I know that sound.

Hunter: What. Is. It.

Miles: It means that there's about to be fangs in an arm in about 20 seconds.

Hunter: Is there any way to avoid it?

Miles: Well, Candlelight is a single-player game...so if there's three of us, I don't think so.

Satori: Well, just stay- RRK!

M/H: NOOOOOOOO!

Satori is bitten. She falls to the ground, writhing in pain. Her body...begins to change. Her skin turns a light shade of purple. Her eyes go from crystal blue to a fiendish red. And worst of all, her fangs begin to extend.

Miles: We need to run.

Hunter: But, Satori-

Miles: We'll come for her later! WE NEED TO GO!

The two men activate their Warp Watches and teleport back to base.

The two land in their base, huffing and puffing.

Hunter: THAT DID NOT JUST FUCKING HAPPEN!

Miles: DUDE! WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Hunter: SATORI IS A VAMPIRE!

Miles: Ok, ok. Let's calm down....OH FUCK IT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Hunter: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!

Miles: I'm sure...that..there's someone here who knows a thing or two about vampires.

Hunter draws in his breath.

Hunter: Um...may that someone be a psychopathic silver-haired German girl with control over the Otherrealm who really, really hates me....?

Miles: I'm so sorry, man.

Cut to the two standing in front of C-29's office.

Hunter: Uh...here goes...

Hunter knocks on the door.

Laura: Hello, how may-

The two lock eyes for a second. Laura makes a disgusted face and slams the door.

Miles: Goddammit-

The door opens again. It's Adriel, the 2nd member of C-29.

Adriel: I apologize for her..rashness. Do you, perchance, need our help?

Hunter: Yeah...thanks, Adriel.

Laura: Ugh..Jesus Chvist...vhat do you need?

Akshar: Oh, and where might Satori be?

Miles: We...kinda...los-

Laura: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Akshar: She died?! But that's impossible- the Otherrealm has no record of her!

Hunter, facepalming: God, she didn't die! She just got bit by a vampire and then turned into one. That's why we're talking to you guys.

Miles: Yeah, we thought since, you're the supernatural guys, you might know a bit more about vamps then the usual garlic and stake stuff.

Laura, Ja, vell, vampires are very special cweatures. You obviously do not vant to kill Satori, so the easiest vay to pwoperly incapacitate her is to use holy vater, low amounts of sunlight, crosses. However, ze best and ze most effective vay vould to kick her out of ze castle and not invite her back inside.

Miles: Interesting. So no binge-eating garlic bread?

Adriel: Well-

Akshar: Do it. Just in case.

Laura: God..

Hunter: Any weapons out there that can help us?

Adriel: I'm pretty sure your usual weapons should do the job to, at the very least, keep her occupied until you find a way to kick her outside.

Adriel: Oh, Miles. How did the tome do?

Miles: It worked perfectly! It turned all the zombies into dogs and cats.

Adriel: Excuse me?

Miles: What, was this not the one you told me to get?

He shows Adriel the tome.

Adriel: Miles, did you search in Section C-X?

Miles: Yes?

Adriel: You were supposed to search in Section C-S.

Miles: Oh...uh...fuck.

Hunter: So...

Miles: Are you...ready?

Hunter: I don't know, dude. I've never fought Satori before. Especially not in this state.

Miles: Yeah. A mind like hers would be unstoppable in a body like that.

Hunter: Let's just hope her mind stayed sane. From what l recall, vampire bites don't change you as a person.

Miles: Yeah. I don't think I can live with knowing one of my best friends became a vampire and doesn't remember any of our adventures.

Hunter: I think it's time we warp now.

Miles: Alrighty. 3, 2, 1.

The two press their Warp Watches and automatically disappear.

Laura: Zat idiot and his fwiend better come back in vone piece.

Adriel: I thought you'd want him dead.

Laura, flustered: V-vhat? Vhat gives you zat idea? I hate him but not enough to vant him dead!

Adriel: Ok, ok. I dunno, you're always making a scene whenever he's around.

Akshar: Yeah. And whenever he tries talking things out with you, you kinda just ignore him.

Laura facepalms.

Laura: Look, it's a long story...

Darkmoon Castle.

Miles: Jeez. It's literally 1:00 pm and the place still looks like it got rained on.

Hunter: I'm not so sure about this. You did bring everything we could need, right?

Miles reaches into his Quantum Backpack.

Miles: Let's see, Super Soaker chock-full of holy water, 52 different types of wooden stakes, 1 for each wood type I could find in the Crafts building. Also a bit of light from Antares, a star 530 times the size of our sun. A jar of it was lying around in the janitor's closet.

Hunter: Since when could we keep light in a jar?

Miles: Uh...I don't know, a decade or so ago? S.I.N.K has been around for a while...

Hunter: Alright. I'll check upstairs, you check downstairs.

Hunter runs upstairs in haste.

Miles: Oh jeez...

A chill rushes up Miles' spine.

Miles: Hey...

Suddenly, two fangs sink into Miles' arm...but-

Miles: Ohohoho. Did you think I would fall victim to that already? Metal plating, oh yeah.

The vampire lunges back, cupping their hands to their mouth in severe pain.

Miles: Wait..you..

The hood falls off the vampire's head, to reveal the head of a light-purple skinned, red-eyed, and bloodthirsty Satori, who bares her regenerated teeth.

Miles: Holy...fuck. I'm not gonna lie- you look pretty good in that outf-

Satori rushes towards him and attempts biting him- Miles dodges and pulls out his Super Soaker.

Miles: Oh fuck you, I was trying to be nice!

Miles shoots the gun and sprays Satori's arm. It does some damage, but Satori merely hisses and turns into a bat.

Miles: No problem, I've hit plenty of birds before-

But Satori dodges every shot Miles makes.

Miles: Jesus, she's fast!

Hunter, over comms: Did you find her? Where is she?

Miles: Kind of in the middle of fighting her, man!

Satori turns back into her vampire form and roars in anger.

Miles: Look, I really don't wanna do this! Ok, I kinda do but still.

Satori only growls.

Miles: God, are you a vampire or a werewolf? Make up your mi-

Dracori: YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU. CURSED CREATURE OF DAY! WHAT BUSINESS DO YOU HAVE HERE IN THE CASTLE OF THE DAMNED?

Miles: Oh goddammit, they got her spouting the game's dialogue too?

Dracori: FOR THIS EGREGIOUS OFFENSE OF TRESPASSING, YOU SHALL BE EVISCERATED!

Miles: Oh my god, this is hurting me more then a bite ever could.

Dracori lunges at Miles, who dodges and reaches into his backpack, pulling out a small round yellow disk. He positions it on his head, and it glows, creating a shield of light around him. Dracori covers her eyes.

[SINK PROTECTION BLESSING

Weapon Type: Trinket

Usage: Depends on the users faith in themselves

Clearance Level Needed: 2

Description: A gift from the heavens above, a SINK Protection Blessing is a small, compact halo that can resize itself to fit the head of the wearer. Once equipped, the Blessing exudes a shield of heavenly light in the form of a sphere around the user, that lasts for a considerable amount of time. However, the duration and strength of the shield completely hinges on the faith the wearer has in themselves and their own ability and personality. If the wearer does not believe in himself, the weapon will not work and just be a worthless piece of junk that would look better as a table centerpiece.

Availability: IN USE]

Miles: Huh? Like it? It's a Protection Blessing! Only works if you believe in yourself. And you know me. I always think I'm great. So let's dance.

Dracori hisses in anger.

Dracori: THAT...WON'T...STOP...ME!

Miles: Fuck me, the low health line.

Dracori lunges at Miles and begins clawing and scratching at his shield.

Miles, thinking: Holy shit! She's not backing down! I guess the Satori I knew is still in there somehow-

The shield begins to weaken.

Miles: What?! How-you know what? Fuck this.

Miles takes off his blessing and takes out Gabriel's Wing.

Miles: Thank the lord for Weapon Reservations.

Dracori teleports above Miles, attempting to claw him. Miles ducks out of the way and points the Wing at Dracori, sending several sharp feathers at her. She throws off her cape and vanishes, leaving the cape to be pinned to the wall by the feathers.

Miles: Shit. That was smooth.

Dracori appears behind Miles again and swipes at him, only to be met with the Wing. Dracori and Miles stare each other down fiercely.

Meanwhile...Hunter is running through the halls, looking for Miles and Dracori

.Hunter, over comms: Adriel! How's the cure we discusses going?

Adriel, over comms: Laura is working on it as we speak, but there is a slight setback.

Hunter: What is it?

Adriel: Well, she-

Hunter: Yeah?

Adriel: She's gonna have to take the remedy every month on the 20th.

Hunter: Shouldn't be a problem. Satori remembers basically everything she sees.

Adriel: Once it's done, we'll warp it to you, and you got make sure at least one drop makes it into her mouth.

Hunter: You got it! Huh? The stairs! Finally!

Hunter bounds down the stairs to see Miles being pinned down by Dracori, with the side of a wooden stake between Dracori's teeth.

Miles: About time-

Hunter: Be grateful I'm even here! Jeez, I sounded like her for a sec.

Hunter activates his Gauntlets and runs towards Dracori. She notices him and teleports behind him, but stops after seeing the light from his Gauntlets.

Dracori: Hisss..

Hunter: Ooh, are these scary to little...uh...what do we call her vampire form?

Miles: Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Maybe Nosferatori or Satorius the Living Vampire?

Hunter: Too corny. What about Dracori?

Miles: PERFECT!

Dracori: What are these...mighty weapons?

Miles: Wait..that's not a low health line. Right?

Suddenly, the vampire form glitches away for a split second, and Satori's regular form is seen staring up at them, with eyes that clearly say "I'm in pain". Miles and Hunter catch this. Hunter assumes an angry expression while Miles smiles to assure their friend that they will win.

Adriel, over comms: IT'S READY! WARPING NOW!

Suddenly Hunter's hand begins to glow as the remedy is being teleported. It appears in a small little purple bottle. Hunter winces.

Hunter, inwardly: She...kept this?

Miles: HUNTER! USE THE DAMN THING!

Hunter: GOT IT-

Hunter opens the remedy, and as Dracori lunges again, he sprays the remedy into her mouth.

Dracori: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Dracori falls to the ground, writhing and screaming in utter pain. However, she clearly begins to go back to her old self. Her skin turns from purple to fair, and her eyes revert back to a sparkling blue.

Her vampire clothes disappear, and her old S.I.N.K jumpsuit is seen once again.

Miles: Welcome back, Ms. Yakuzawa.

Satori, disoriented: Ugh..my head..and my teeth?! Why do I taste metal in my mouth?

She looks up to her smiling friends.

Satori: Guys? Why are you looking at me like I told you I was getting married?

Miles: Well, you kind of got bit by a vampire.

Satori: Excuse me?

Hunter: And we kind of kicked your ass.

Satori: What?!

Miles: And now you gotta drink some potion for the rest of your life.

Satori: Eh..that's fine.

Hunter: Huh. I expected more scolding.

Satori gives a small laugh.

Satori, smiling: How could I? The two of you really went above and beyond today. I guess you really can handle yourselves without me around.

Miles: Well, Laura and Adriel helped. But yeah.

Hunter: Keep in mind you were a vampire who only wanted blood and followed a code. If you had your mind and a vampire body we'd probably be dead.

Satori: Heh, maybe.

Suddenly, the castle disappears, and the agents are left standing on the roof of a building.

Satori: Um...what?

Miles: How did that happen? We didn't even-

Hunter looks around and points. The other two turn around to see a video game cartridge with a feather through it. It is leaking glowing ink.

Miles: Oh. Heh. My bad.

Satori: What the hell is coming out of it?

Miles: Welp! Let's bag it and tag it!

Satori: You two go ahead. I need to lie down for a bit.

Miles runs towards the ink, while Hunter reaches into his pocket and takes out the purple bottle Laura teleported the antidote in.

Hunter, inwardly: We're gonna have to talk later, huh.

THE END