Fake TPOT 48: Soon As We May/part 4

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"**Soon As We May**" is the non-canon forty-eighth episode and the season finale of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 10 January 1990. Since the second to fifth episodes of *Real TPOT* have already been released in the real world, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

Author's note: You may want to memorize the diagram on the right. Not that it has anything to do with the dynamics of the episode, but because it actually took a bit of research. I didn't expect to spend the last half hour researching what the Algebraliens thought of each other; it just didn't seem worth it.

## Divergence (cont'd), *13 November 1989*

### **New Grassyland**

**Scene**A bit of a change of scenery. Although this scene takes place in the grassy area known—now officially—as New Grassyland, those appearing are not exactly the same as in the previous scenes set here. Perhaps some movement has taken place. This time, **Bomby**, **Naily**, **Nickel**, **Price Tag**, **Cake** and several unnamed extras are in the background, playing a game.

The first thing we see is more people in the background again; and in the foreground are **Bok**, **Bubble** and **Ice Cube** (here known as the "sensible former members of the Alliance", as Pencil is elsewhere on the set and Match is at Gelatin's Steakhouse). They all look a bit tired, although it's only sunset.
#### The sensible former members of FreeSmart

* **B****o****k**: Isn't it a relief we can be all together again?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Yoyah! We're due to be in the same part of the world.
* **Ice Cube**: This is probably the most excitement I've ever felt in years. TPOT be damned.
* **B****o****k**: Especially because you can talk now.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: And curse, ahoihoi!

[*Ice Cube rolls her eyes.* **Bracelety** *is discovered trailing behind the trio, perpetually standing in the exact middle between Ice Cube and her admirer,* **Boom Mic** *(who is seen talking to her parents with some the other failed débutants).*]

* **Bracel****ety**: ***I'M STILL HERE, ICE CUBE!***
* **Snowball**: Forsooth, that doth appear to be that which hath turnt not.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: And to think the three of us are all a bunch of cool colours. No orange in sight!
* **Ice Cube**: Or red.
* **B****o****k**: Red... isn't that Ruby over there?

[*Bok waves to* **Ruby** *in the background, who is still in as deep a conversation as possible with Flower. As soon as she sees the other members of her alliance, she waves back, while Flower doesn't really do anything, as was the case for much of her season.*]

* **R****u****b****y**: Come join us, girls!
* **Fl****ow****er**: There's always room for self-improvement, especially for flawed individuals like you!
* **R****u****b****y**: Yeah, you professional monarch! [*high-fives her*]
* **Ice Cube**: [*Aside.*] Is this really accepted as normal, Bok?
* **B****o****k**: Æh, I'm sure I've got bigger problems to worry about.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Same for me.

[*She looks over at the crowd of ex-contestants surrounding Remote*]

* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Ah! Oh me, oh moy, it's Pencil! Shield me with your opaqueness, Bok!

[*Bubble hides. Bok turns around, much confused.*]

* **B****o****k**: What?
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: I know *for sure* she's bad-mouthing me. Probably. This is the age of gossip, you know.
* **B****o****k**: Why would she be talking about you?
* **Ice Cube**: Yeah, hasn't it been a long time since you last spoke to her?
* **B****o****k**: [*opens herself to a journal entry*] Twenty years.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: I don't know, but I'm not ready to forgive her just yet! Aah!

[**Aresko** *and* **Burner Archambault** *(Barf Bag's husband) suddenly run between the three, chased by* **Pillow**, *who happily runs while hugging her own brand of gravity-defying machete.*]

* **[** **Ar****esko** · **B****u****r****n****i****e** **]**: Aaaaah!
* **Ar****esko**: [*stops*] Wait, that's what you sound like when you scream?
* **B****u****r****n****i****e**: It is, why?
* **Ar****esko**: It's so Canadian!
* **B****u****r****n****i****e**: Yeah, I've noticed from the show that Australian shrieks have a different tone to them.
* **Ar****esko**: Bonzer. We should have a drink!
* **B****u****r****n****i****e**: Oh, yes, we should!

[*Exeunt.*]

* **Pill****ow**: Pshh, you guys are so boring! Can't a lady chase you without the babble?

[**Pillow** *throws her machete in the air and walks away in a huff. Bok, Bubble and Ice Cube look at one another with expressions of "business as usual".*]

* **B****o****k**: Don't worry about either the weapon or the, eh, babble, Bubble. I highly doubt Pencil's talking about you.

#### Remote

[*As before,* **Remote** *is still in her part of the grassy area, surrounded by* **Pencil**, **Pin** *and* **Fanny**, *the latter helping* **Pie** *to erect a contemporary-looking tombstone for Bottle.* **Robot Flower** *is also with them.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Bubble.
* **P****i****n**: Bubble.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Tea.
* **P****i****n**: Tea!
* **P****e****nci****l**: And it's a new menu item, apparently. He brought it back from his travels in Taipei.
* **P****i****n**: Okay, how does Gelatin know more about this than I do? I was born in Asia, for pin factory's sake!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I haven't a clue, really—nor've I a clue what the deuce bubble tea's got to do with steak—but I do know what I'm ordering at the Steakhouse!
* **P****i****n**: I'm with you, Pencil.
* **Fan****ny**: *Stay on topic!*
* **Gela****tin**: Hey hey hey, you guys talking about my steakhouse? No way!

[**Fanny** *grumbles something and walks off.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*imitating him*] *Yes* way, brother! Now, please leave, Gelatin-without-the-E. You're not meant to be here, and if Pillow weren't so busy being axe-mad, she'd boot you up into the last light of the evening sun.
* **Pill****ow**: [*in the background*] Not an axe, a machete! I call her "Hit-Ster Kate".
* **Gela****tin**: Sorry, I'm not up to date with all the finale drama. My season was lucky enough to have very little of that.
* **P****i****n**: So that's why they call you Smug Gelatin!
* **P****e****nci****l**: This part of the grass is for ladies who've had their friendships strained with men.
* **Gela****tin**: Aw, you mean like me?

[*Pencil clears her throat and rephrases her statement, trying to sound as vague as possible.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: With ace- er, ace spacemen, I should specify. [*awkward chuckle*]
* **Gela****tin**: Okay. Then why is Flower Robot here, or whatever she's called?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Uh, it's Robot Flower, and I'm here because TV was shaking in his gears when I voted for Golf Ball to win TPOT, even after he voted for her himself. [*Beat.*] I can read Mechanical Minds.
* **P****i****n**: Wow, that's never been established.
* **Gela****tin**: Well, you gals just have fun. *¡**Adiós!* Come on, Teardrop, let's boss our staff around and then give them the end of the decade off!

[**Teardrop** *emerges from underground.*]

* **Teardrop**: [*text-to-speech voice*]  40,000 lobster bisques and bye.

[*Exeunt.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Silly little cuckoos.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You don't think I should, well, *hate* Black Hole? I mean, for what he said.
* **P****i****n**: Oh, no, no, no. We don't think you should hate everyone, unlike Fanny.
* **Fan****ny**: I still think she should!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm rather steadfast in saying this, Remote, but you shouldn't show hatred towards somebody for something she's done.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Even if that somebody's a man?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Even so. That sort of selfishness is in Man's nature, you know. At least I ought to; I've got one myself!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Well. I do want to see him again. This is the finale. We're supposed to be happy, right?
* **P****i****n**: Sure, but...

[*The dialogue fades out a bit before returning again, as we see* **Black Hole** *zooming by. Even with the special effects failures from earlier, we can't pause to see his current form—it's blurred due to the speed at which he moves—but it is clear that he has a very different appearance to the one he had for much of the previous scene.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Maybe not tonight, but hopefully before we all go our separate ways.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's pretty much tonight.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I sigh.

#### Black Hole

[*A brief view of* **Black Hole** *floating (or "floating") by while speaking to himself. Thanks to clever camera tricks, we don't get to see exactly what he looks like just yet, as he speaks behind other objects positioned between himself and the camera.*]

* **Black Hole**: Huh, so that's how she feels. Good thing, she can't see me like this.

[*Silence for a second.*]

* **Black Hole**: Hey, I wonder what Two's up to. Probably nothing.

#### Two

[**Two** *paces the grassy area, some of their ex-competitors and relations—that is to say,* **Coiny**, **Gaty**, **Saw**, **Clock**, **Donut**, **Suzie**, **Barf Bag** *and* **TV***—sitting around them, taking advantage of the fact that they are no longer under the control of a host.*]

* **Barf** **Bag**: Two, what are you doing?
* **Two**: Pacing around. I think we've reached full sunset.
* **G****at****y**: Yeah, that's what happens when the sun goes down.
* **T****V**: For the second time.
* **Two**: Which means they should be here any time now.

[*Coiny stands and stretches with a sound that could be compared to a yawn, but not exactly.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Well, I'd better go. Pin doesn't want me around at the moment.
* **S****aw**: Can you blame her?
* **Co****i****ny**: Maybe. But I'm about to head to the reception venue. My kids await me, in case you didn't know.
* **Two**: But Coiny, stay!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Then I'll go.
* **Two**: No!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Alright, I'll stay.

[*Everyone looks at Clock and the sudden reinforcement of his complicity.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: What? At this point I'm ready to call Two a friend rather than a foe.
* **Two**: You ex-cons are making me shed a tear with how sweet you're all acting! [*stands up straight*] Where were we? Oh yeah. I need some people to stay here with me, to prove to them that I'm a good enough person—

[*Two immediately covers their mouth.*]

* **T****V**: A good enough person. What are you trying to prove, Two?
* **Barf** **Bag**: Well, after seventeen years of show business with 'em, I'm confident that Two's good enough. Don't we?
* **S****u****z****i****e**: I mean, actually—
* **G****at****y**: Uh, you weren't with us this season, so you don't have the same perspective as us.
* **S****u****z****i****e**: Isn't that nice. [*gives her the side-eye*]

[*Two sits and sighs. An aerial view shows that they are right in the middle of the Fovitwe.*]

* **S****aw**: Well, I'm going to stare at that funny star.
* **G****at****y**: I'll join you! Nothing like a little stargazing for a season finale. [*embrace*]
* **T****V**: No wonder everyone compares you to Match and Pencil, heheh.
* **G****at****y**: Are you kidding? We're superior to them in every way!
* **T****V**: But Two, you look like you're about to do a ritual.
* **Donut**: Yeah, is everything alright?
* **Two**: I suppose it is. For now.

[*Two looks away briefly and sighs.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Wait, wait, wait. Who was this *they* whom you were talking about?
* **Two**: What?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Earlier. You said, "They should be here any time now."
* **S****u****z****i****e**: That's a good fake Northern accent, Clock.
* **Two**: It's more of a pretence, really. Well, about *they*...

[*Two gets up.*]

* **Two**: It was nothing. Now, go along, you all. I'm sure steak grows cold on this planet.
* **T****V**: Hold on, was this about your phone call at the beginning of Cake at Stake?
* **Two**: *Maaaay*be a bit more than nothing. But I don't think you should worry unless I'm in trouble.
* **Donut**: Trouble? Well, I don't see what kind of trouble you'd—
* **S****aw**: Oh my gosh, the *star's FALLING DOWN TO EARTH!*

## Arrival

### **New Grassyland** – Shortly after sunset

**Scene**All gasp as the "star" (which had been changing colour throughout the previous scene) grows so unnaturally large, whereupon its stardom is refuted, for it is actually a spacecraft that has just landed on Earth. This UFO is different to the other space objects that have appeared in the series so far; it looks more like an Edsel than anything out of a science fiction film.

Two looks away in a dramatic fashion. *Soni exspectati* from the crowd of ex-contestants, relations, extras, visitors *etc.*, who all stop what they are doing. Even **Winner**, **Firey** and **Leafy** look up from the Winners' Seesaw—we have now entered the "Arrival" stage of the finale. All dialogue is accompanied by people talking indistinctly in the background.

* **T****V**: I always knew there'd be flying cars in the past.
* **S****u****z****i****e**: Does this happen a lot? I swear, every couple of years or so you get some grey space thing falling out of the sky.
* **Donut**: Ag, we've got used to it, dear.
* **Co****i****ny**: It was bound to happen in the finale!
* **S****aw**: This mean we can't look up at the stars any more?
* **G****at****y**: You don't spoil a romantic moment, you cheap space-auto owner!

[*Two looks around and sees everyone starting to walk over in their direction. Most of them look at the unidentified object in awe.*]

* **C****a****ke**: Whoa, baby!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: What is this?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Don't tell me this is another one of your surprises, Two!
* **B****e****ll**: Can I take a picture next to it?
* **Bom****by**: *Tell us what it is!*
* **Two**: Er, heheh... it's quite hard to explain, really. [*about to run off from the crowd, but in vain*]
* **Lol****l****ipop**: It appears that even we spectators have you surrounded, Two.
* **Fl****ow****er**: How thrilling, being on this side of a finale mob for once!
* **Snowball**: Thou canst run, but thou canstn't hide, O Twain one!
* **N****a****ily**: Nyeheheh!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Explain it. Now. [*Beat.*] As a friend.

[*Two remains speechless. Bok inspects the back of the contraption.*]

* **B****o****k**: Uh, guys? I think we've got the answer right here.
* **Winner**: What do you mean?
* **B****o****k**: Come take a look at the number plate.
* **Fan****ny**: What the bloody hell is this polluting vehicle doing on *our* set when we're all due to be at the Steakhouse, feasting on food whose production has undoubtedly contributed as much to the release of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere?! I hate this!

[*Those closest to the centre of the Fovitwe begin to crowd around the vehicle to see what Bok is talking about. Soni exspectati—they conveniently move out of the way to reveal that the registration plate reads just one digit: "4". All talk among themselves.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: I reckon I'm very lucky at the moment.
* **Pi****e**: Because you're in the presence of an unsuccessful classic car?
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Cos with Pen off set, I needn't be bombarded with the inevitable: "What's this all mean?"
* **R****u****b****y**: [*taps on Pencil's shoulder*] Hey, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, love?
* **R****u****b****y**: What's this all mean?
* **Voice**: I'll tell you what this all means.

[*Before Pencil can facepalm (or before anybody can react for that matter), the being that had been driving this vehicle from space suddenly steps out and reveals himself to the crowd. One would be very correct to guess that this being is* **Four**, *the former host of the previous* Battle for BFB *series* *(formerly known as* Battle for BFDI*), who made cameo appearances throughout TPOT. If this show had a live audience, they'd be applauding wildly.*]

* **Everyone**: Four!
* **Four**: In the membrane!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Brilliant, Four, remembering what you're made of!

[**Pencil**, *bored, starts to make her way to the Steakhouse.*]

* **Bracel****ety**: We all like you, at least! [*follows Pencil*]
* **St****a****py**: This is so cool. If I hadn't been inside you for three years and then sent to the middle of the sea for ten more, I'd be asking for your autograph!
* **8****-****Ball**: And I would be demanding it.
* **Four**: I do seem to have that effect on people on this planet. Must be part of why we left.
* **P****i****n**: Hi, Four! Remember me? I may or may not have brought you back to life a long time ago! Our kids are all grown up now.
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah, Lisa goes to the Illinois Institute of Smart Stuff!
* **Four**: Oh, I remember you, Pin, Coiny. [*softens*] But do any of you remember Balloony?
* **Nic****k****el**: You mean one of my TV dads? You come for him?
* **Four**: No, I just want to know if any of my former contestants remember he exists.
* **Fl****ow****er**: Ba-who?

[*Lollipop puts her arm around Four.*]

* **Lol****l****ipop**: Now, Four, d'you remember me? I was the cheeky one.
* **L****ose****r**: I was the popular one!
* **Fi****r****ey**: And I was e*hl*iminated far too early!
* **Le****a****f****y**: Sit down, Firey. I don't think Four's here for a BFB reunion, at least not under these weird circumstances... Unless, Four-tee-four, you *are* here to relive BFB, in which case we welcome you with open arms!

[*8-Ball and 9-Ball suddenly roll Leafy into the ground, as they have no arms with which to welcome Four. They accidentally do the same to David as well.*]

* **David**: Aw, seriously?
* **8****-****Ball**: *Opa...*
* **Le****a****f****y**: I'm okay!
* **Four**: No, no, Leafy. You and the other contestants are just the icing on the Cake at Stake cake. We really came here to see—

[*A familiar voice suddenly emerges from the car.*]

* **Another voice**: [*from inside*] We? Four, where the *chinissonoïmito* are your manners? We deserve some of the limelight too, you know!
* **Four**: Oh yeah. You can come out now. And that's an order.
* **Three voices**: *Yes, ber!*

[*The doors open. Out come* **Seven**, **Nine** *and* **X**, *who have accompanied Four on their journey to Earth. Soni exspectati quiet.*]

* **Four**: Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my crew, because this is not a job that I can do alone. The first one, who you really should remember from our days here, is my co-host X.
* **X**: [*waves and starts dancing*] ♫ Hi, hi, honey, hi! When you're up, I am down! Bye bye, babby, bye! You'll be low and I'll be— ♫
* **Four**: That's enough, X. On his right is Seven.
* **Seven**: Long live the Republic!
* **Four**: And on their right is Nine, who sort of tagged along just because of his co-host relationship with Seven.
* **B****o****k**: Oh, congrats! I know how important co-hostskap is to your kind.
* **N****i****ne**: Doo-argg! [*poetically removes shades*] What's up, party people?
* **Pi****e**: [*to Fanny*] I like her already.
* **N****i****ne**: It is so *rad* to be on the set of my favourite show in the galaxy!
* **Four**: [*Aside.*] You're not supposed to say that...
* **All four**: [*Aloud.*] ***And we are the Interplanetary Travel Officers of the People's Objective Algebralien Republic of the Equation Playground!***

[*All gasp. Pillow cartwheels over to Four.*]

* **Pill****ow**: That sounds serious and utterly police-rific! [*holds out her hands, ready to be cuffed*] Well, I'm ready to be hauled before an interplanetary court of law. Don't worry, I know how to escape!
* **Four**: Pillow, we're not here to arrest you.
* **[** **Fan****ny** · **Pill****ow** **]**: Damn it!
* **X**: We're here to arrest... [*Pause, as he looks away, about to weep.*] Oh, I can't bear to say it!
* **Seven**: We're here to see Two, if that's okay with you.
* **Bom****by**: Two?
* **X**: That's right, the green host of this lovely programme!

[*Ad frontem graditur* **Clock**. *He does not look happy.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: I'll be the judge of that. If you want to get through Two, you have to go through me first. That is where my allegiance lies.
* **Four**: Oh! Clock. You're not still mad at me for killing you and not recovering you until a year later, which sort of led to your first divorce and you having to work hard to get along with the other members of The Losers! again, are you?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: That's *Monsieur Saad* to you... *Quatre*. [*growls*]
* **Barf** **Bag**: Hey, where is Two?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Maybe they were overwhelmed by Four's visit!

[**Snowball** *returns to the scene, carrying* **Two** *in a pious fashion. He then gently sets them down on the grass.*]

* **Two**: Ta, Snowball.
* **Snowball**: I mean thee to have tried to flee, although I know not why.
* **Four**: *Ta*, Snowball.
* **Le****a****f****y**: Oh, I just love reunions! [*raises her arms*] Let me hear it, people! Two, Four, Six, Eight! I don't know where's Six and Eight!

[*Beat.*]

* **Le****a****f****y**: Why is nobody chanting with me?
* **Donut**: Because at this very moment our go-to chanter Bracelety is twenty or so yards away and can't hear you.
* **C****a****ke**: Actually, I think it's because we're all so stunned.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Four's about to get Two arrested.
* **Two**: Me, arrested? Taggy, why would you say such a thing? I never told anybody my story. I couldn't have done; you were talking too much!
* **Winner**: I mean, you did tell me privately back when we first met.
* **Two**: I did, didn't I? [*thinking*] Shouldn't have bumped fists and high-fived them in the intro...

[*X regains his composure and stands as tall as he can, which, to be honest, is not very tall.*]

* **X**: Give it up, Two! We must return you to the Equation Playground. It's our duty!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: [*giggling*] X said "duty".
* **St****a****py**: Ha! Duty.
* **F****old****y**: How quaintly humorous.
* **Two**: But why am I being seized now? It's the last day of my show, and I have given away my prize... the power of Two! Is this all your idea of revenge because I convinced most of your old cast to abandon their spots in your silly game?

[*Nine elbows Four, knowingly.*]

* **N****i****ne**: [*Aside.*] I think our detainee has a point, Four.
* **Four**: Maybe a little, but I'm unyielding on this! [*Aloud.*] Don't play clueless with us, Two. I'm sure you remember very well what happened before you crash-landed on Earth!
* **Seven**: Yeah, because we don't!
* **Two**: Hmm. I suppose I do remember. After all, I'm Two, right? And Two remembers so much more about Two's life than anybody else does.
* **Four**: Well, then, why don't you flash back to it right now?
* **Two**: You mean now?
* **Four**: Chief Officer of Interplanetary Travel of the People's Objective Algebralien Republic of the Equation Playground's orders!
* **Co****i****ny**: *Cooitotpoarotep... o*?
* **G****at****y**: Sounds Egyptian.
* **P****i****n**: My husband's always had a way with acronyms.
* **Two**: Alright, then. I'll have a flashing-back moment now.

[*With an air of reminiscence, Two looks up at an indeterminate part of the sky. The rest of the crowd follows their eyes in silence.*]

* **Winner**: [*confused*] So we're just going to...

[*Silence.*]

* **Winner**: Okay. Totally not weird. /s

### **Gelatin's Steakhouse** – Night

**Scene**It is almost certainly night at Gelatin's Steakhouse, not to mention time for dinner. We see the interior of the establishment, covered in signs congratulating "Whoever-it-may-be" on his/her victory (the restaurant was prepared before this episode's Cake at Stake), and below it all, several people—ex-contestants and those who have never competed at all—are enjoying their dinner in a much more light-hearted scene than those that immediately preceded it.

Enter **Black Hole**, who floats nervously into the building—although again, we don't see his true appearance, as he is obscured by as many objects as possible and floats much more stealthily than before, if such a thing be possible. He stops and observes the scene a bit but does not attract much attention. In fact, this whole scene is shown from Black Hole's perspective.

In this particular scene, much of the dialogue overlaps, but here the individual conversations are organized by location of the tables at which the participants are sat in relation to the long track between the front door and the "green room" on stage left.
#### Dining area

* **Black Hole**: [*hiding behind a drumset manned by* **Mjunga**; *sibi loquitur*] Let's see what's going on here.

[**Lightning**, **Gregg** *and* **Pherre** *are playing cards at the table at the front of the room. Next to them are seats labelled "Pie", "Fanny" and "Bottle".*]

* **Pherre**: Go fish.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: I win!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: No fair! I nearly forgot what we're playing now.
* **Balloony**: [*from the other table*] You think that's bad? Try bein' us!
* **Lig****htni****ng**: What is it?
* **Cloudy**: I have the impression that someone's talking about Balloony behind his back.
* **Balloony**: It might be Four, but then again, what do I ken?
* **Woody**: Don't need a psych evawuation on mwy end to know he's an aiwhead!
* **Roc****ky**: [*vomits on the floor*] Bulleh! [*Subtitles: "So says the PhD."*]
* **Lig****htni****ng**: But that's good, isn't it?
* **G****r****e****g****g**: *Skáse*, Lightning.

[*Black Hole floats on.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: Was that "shut up" in Greek?
* **G****r****e****g****g**: Yeah.
* **Black Hole**: [*noticing Bottle's chair*] Oh, Bottle...

[*At the next table.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, let's try to move our, like, tables together.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): Tectonic shift! Tectonic shift!

[*Match moves the table over to the one where the younger kids are (meant to be) sat.*]

* **Ma****tch**: This is, like, so much fun!
* **Y****es****a**: Yeah, working out before dinner. Whoopee.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Can't we order now, Aunt Match?
* **Ma****tch**: Like, sure. I know you kids must be hungry after hearing, like, Cake at Stake without getting any. You know what your mom wants for din-din?
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): This might be my appetite talking, but I think Ma likes eating food.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): It must run in the family.
* **S****a****m****i****r**: [*sits down*] Hi!
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Eyy, buddy!
* **Ma****tch**: [*points at Samir*] Who are you? Like, who's your mama? And where are Solo, Zira and Rho?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Oh, they're just trying to ruin people's livelihoods.

[*Meanwhile, at the longest table in the front of the restaurant sit the entire* **Ball family**.]

* **Golf Ball**: I don't know about the rest of you people, but I could have everything on the menu.
* **Th****e****ol****a**: Good idea, Mom. It's never too late in the season to celebrate bread and circuses.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Hey, I'll have everything too! Of course, with my size, I might need to have mine in large. A-*hyuck!*
* **Chris Sr.**: You guys are lucky. Critter's got such a fussy palate.
* **Chris** **Jr****.**: I do not!
* **O****r****p****h****a**: Nah, your dad's just kidding.
* **Chris** **Jr****.**: [*pointing at the menu*] Now my chances of getting something here went from 2.222 repeating percent to 99.999 repeating percent!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: That's practically 1!

[*Black Hole floats by a little more.*]

* **Starletha**: You want to try the medium rare or the medium common?
* **A****m****a****n****d****a**: What's the difference, Aunt Starletha?
* **Starletha**: Well, it's the time it takes to cook the meat.
* **Co****l****i****n**: Maybe they got a dish like "medium average frequency".
* **Cos****te****llo**: Nah, man, they aren't making that till February. I have inside info about this place, you know.

[*...*]

* **Hose****'****é**: *Menos mal que no estamos sentaos con todos ellos, ¿eh, mija?*
* **Baske****t****ball**: *Oh sí, esa Golf Ball puede ser realmente algo.*
* **Gra****ssy**: Basketball! Can Grassy have the vegetarian special?
* **Baske****t****ball**: What? Isn't that a bit of a paradox?
* **Hose****'****é**: Or is that not cannibalism?
* **Gra****ssy**: [*gleefully*] Grassy requests that you don't ask!

[*...*]

* **Puffball**: [*to Morán, Yellow Face's granddaughter*] And you won't believe it, little girl, but I was actually born *after* you. See, Reefka? I'm not scared to tell even the smallest kid I'm a time traveller.
* **Ree****f****ka**: If only she did know enough English to appreciate your wisdom, Puffball.
* **Yellow Face**: ♫ 'Cause you ***RIDE ON TIIIIIME!*** ♫

[*The sudden outburst startles a* **waiter**, *specially dressed for the finale occasion.*]

* **Pot****or****pan**: Brash! You almost made me drop this hot food with your shouting!
* **Yellow Face**: I know, I know, save the singing for the talent. Restaurant policy!
* **Puffball**: I never did care much for that policy.

[*...*]

* **Pot****or****pan**: Your mozzarella in carrozza, Linc. [*sets three plates down on the table*]
* **Lin****co****l****n**: Thanks, my favourite!
* **Pot****or****pan**: I'll have your fake lobster bisque in five minutes, Lise.
* **L****i****s****a**: Glad you remembered that I hate meat. Especially the kind that comes from the sea.

[*Potorpan looks at Kosrae.*]

* **Pot****or****pan**: Say, I haven't seen you around here.
* **Ko****s****r****ae**: Oh no, we usually go out for French food. Or Micronesian—and God knows how hard it is to find anything ending in *-nesian* in this city.
* **Pot****or****pan**: You're very pretty. You should come here more often. I work here, you know.
* **Ko****s****r****ae**: My, my, I do declare...
* **Pot****or****pan**: Yes?
* **Ko****s****r****ae**: My husband is an army veteran who can beat you one-handed.
* **L****i****s****a**: Ha*ha!* [*high-fives her*]

[**Rhoza** *and* **Solo** *suddenly trip Potorpan; but the food remains untouched.* **Zira**, *standing behind the scene, audibly cringes.*]

* **R****h****oza**: Whoops!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Sorry, Mr. Waiter, this wasn't my idea!
* **R****h****oza**: We just haven't done this in a while.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Solo): Yeah, we like tripping waiters.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): *Servers!*

[*Black Hole chuckles softly to himself. He then floats towards the door of the green room and watches as* **Eraser**, **Blocky** *and* **Marker** *prepare the set pieces on stage, the latter doing most of the work (as Eraser and Blocky gossip) due to his height and build.*]

* **Eraser**: Yeah, no, bro, if she don't say yes, I'm burnin' this place down.
* **Blocky**: Then we can put the blame on someone they least expect. [*gives Marker a knowing glance*]
* **Ma****r****ker**: Help me, Umtaya!
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: On it! [*places a beret over his cap*] You are now an artsy music type.
* **Ma****r****ker**: Hip hurrah! I've always wanted to be another Bommy Seebach.
* **Eraser**: Ey hey, you can't do that to my cuz!
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Please, y'all just announced your plans in front of the Asador Big Band. If that don't scream stupid, I don't know what does.
* **Blocky**: No, not the Ass-door Big Band! Not the ABB! Though I must say, Yolanda loves yous guys, especially your "Dancing Quee".
* **B****atter****y**: [*rubs against Eraser*] And holy Euterpe, Schreiber. If you actually do burn this place down, I'd have no choice but to tell *Objects* magazine about your favourite parlour trick.
* **Eraser**: You wouldn't let 'em know I like eating butter with my legs, would ya? They'll try to copy me for years!
* **B****atter****y**: It is the job of every senior magazine columnist in the fandom.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Like me!

[*Suddenly, Black Hole can hear singing coming from the closed door of the green room. (His sense of hearing has only been marginally improved by Ann's modifications to him.)*]

* **P****en**: ♫ *Take a pair of sparkling eye...* ♫ Hold up... eye?

[*Black Hole then looks at the ceiling with its "Whoever-it-may-be" signs.*]

* **Black Hole**: I suppose they couldn't tell who was, uh, going to win.

[*Before entering the green room, he notices* **Tree** *using one of the wall telephones.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: So you'll be here soon? Really? I wouldn't blame you; you're not the type to leave without saying goodbye. [*Pause.*] Oh, you are in most cases. [*Pause.*] But not in this one. Well, sounds like a good idea. We'll save you a seat up front. Listen, I'd better call Georgy before she falls asleep; I forgot in the chaos of the finale, and it's 2:00 back home. Hope to see you here, Remote. [*hangs up*]
* **M****ic****hael** (Lou): Psst, Uncle Tree, you forgot to say bye!
* **Black Hole**: [*whispering*] Remote...

[*Black Hole thinks for a second.*]

* **P****en**: Oh, *there's* the other one! I wondered when I'd become a cyclops! [*laughs to himself*]

#### Green room

   [*In the green room at the back of the stage,* **Pen** *is admiring himself in the mirror as he prepares for his one-man show in honour of "Whoever-it-may-be".* **Black Hole** *opens the door to the room with an unnervingly stronger force than usual, but Pen, too invested in his appearance (what else is new?), pays him no attention at first. This scene almost exclusively shows Pen and/or his reflection in the mirror, with Black Hole off-screen for most of it.*]

* **P****en**: That you, Black Hole?
* **Black Hole**: Yes, it is. You're not going to say anything about my new look, are you?
* **P****en**: Gee, I wish I could, but I'm too busy.
* **Black Hole**: What are you doing?
* **P****en**: Singing exercises, checking out the old eyes. They look bluer than usual! You won't be able to see it during my act, but when I take my shades off, eh, the stage lights'll really reflect 'em off my ego. That's what Tree told me.

[*Black Hole sighs and moves to the side.*]

* **P****en**: Don't be sad, champ! Maybe you're not as handsome as me, but if you just be yourself, I'm sure you'll do swell.
* **Black Hole**: Right.
* **P****en**: So, did you make up with Remote yet?
* **Black Hole**: No. But I found out that she'll be here for the wrap party.
* **P****en**: Hey, that's terrific! It's going to be real new for me to play to a packed house, but I've got a little surprise up my sleeve.
* **Black Hole**: Okay. How many costume changes?
* **P****en**: Eight. But look!

[*He pulls out a ring and raises it at the mirror.*]

* **P****en**: See this ring, Black Hole?
* **Black Hole**: Oh. How very flattering. But I don't think I can marry you, Pen. My Earth parents in Kano would have a field day with you, and we'd probably get divorced before New Year's.
* **P****en**: [*laughs*] Not for you, silly! I'm proud to announce that I, Pen Schreiber, have decided to pop the question to Pencil tonight.
* **Black Hole**: Good luck. Why tonight, in the chaos of the finale?
* **P****en**: This winter Penc and I are playing a married couple with the TVELOTOT.
* **Black Hole**: TVELOTOT? Is that another one of those hair bands, like "Muttley Crow"?
* **P****en**: The Totally Very Extremely Light Opera Troupe of Toronto. [*giggles*] I'm sorry, I can't say all that without laughing! Anyway, I want us to live up to those characters before the show. And I don't want to propose during intermission—I can't wait long enough!
* **Black Hole**: Seems like you really love somebody. I wish I had that feeling.

[*The distinctive sound of Black Hole sitting down on a director's chair.*]

* **P****en**: But you do! Y'think you won't get together with Remote?
* **Black Hole**: How did you know I fancied Remote?
* **P****en**: I always thought you'd make a cute couple.
* **Black Hole**: You thought right.
* **P****en**: Well, if that's what you want, then I'm willing to help ya. Honest.
* **Black Hole**: That's what friends are for.
* **P****en**: You know, a few years back, you helped me get back together with Pencil. And I don't think I actually gave you any credit for that, as a matter of fact. So... since this might be the last time we share a country, I just want to thank you for everything, and I'll do anything to help you get back with her. You're a great guy, champ.
* **Black Hole**: [*smiles*] I'm glad you're able to express your gratitude. [*sighs*] But it's no use. What if Remote doesn't like how I look? What if she hates me even more? Sure, I can undo the changes Ann Kigh made to me, but, I don't think I want to.
* **P****en**: What do you mean, changes?
* **Black Hole**: It's a long story.
* **P****en**: Well, like they always told me in high school writing class, "Tell, don't show!"
* **Black Hole**: I think you mean, er... Never mind.
* **P****en**: Maybe I can see what you look like, if you want.
* **Black Hole**: You'd let me do that?
* **P****en**: Sure! This mirror's big enough for two, I think. Tree says my ego's so big that it's got its own—oh, jeez.

[**Black Hole** *floats up to the mirror. Pen turns around and he—and we—see the finished result of Ann's work: Black Hole now has a face (in white assets) and a full set of limbs. As he is not so used to moving around without floating, his arms and legs almost useless and seem to dangle from him as appropriately placed, albeit practically inutile appendages.*]

* **P****en**: What the flip?!
* **Black Hole**: Is that a good "WTF" or...
* **P****en**: I'm handsome as usual. But you? I don't... know.
* **Blocky**: [*from outside*] There's a shocker! /s

### **New Grassyland**

**Scene**Return to scene, a few minutes later. **Two** and **others** still seen staring into space as Two whispers inaudibly. They raise their voice slightly as they reach the end of their story.
* **Two**: And that's how I got here.
* **Seven**: What was that?
* **N****i****ne**: We didn't quite hear you. You gotta louden up if you want to non-down your credibizzles!
* **Pi****e**: [*Aside.*] Isn't she eloquent?
* **Two**: What? None of you got that?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I'm afraid none of us did.
* **E****g****gy**: Well, those of us who can't read minds.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Two's no Mechanical Mind, so I'm just as in the dark as the rest of you are!
* **E****g****gy**: I knew you were useless somehow!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Luckily for me, I'm never in the dark.
* **Fi****r****ey**: Neither am I!
* **Two**: You mean I flashed back to the past for nothing?
* **Fan****ny**: And more importantly for us, we wasted about ten minutes of what should have been a momentous day staring into space, our eyes fixed on the empty spot where a UFO once stood, which we all naïvely thought was a colour-changing star that had caused the death of a fellow ex-contestant! I hate this! I hate you! I'm off to the Steakhouse so I can hate the menu. Ta-ra!

[*Exit* **Fanny**. *Four facepalms.*]

* **Four**: Why don't you tell your story again? Aloud, if you please.
* **Two**: Do I have to?
* **Four**: Chief Officer of Interplanetary Travel—
* **Two**: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, your orders! Well, it's always nice to take my friends on a trip down "Moïmorassoune Lane". Okay, let's see... it was 1971 according to the Earth calendar, which, of course, translates to Aeon 176181712 on our very own Equation Playground timekeeping system...

## Flashback, *14 December 1971*

### **Equation Playground**

**Scene**An orchestral link takes the scene from the present (1989) back almost exactly seventeen years to 1971, when Four still hosting an unsplit BFB and Two was still living on the Equation Playground. A typical early 1970s soul song plays in the background. As in the opening scene of this episode, all the dialogue is intended to be in Algebralien, but it has been translated into English for the benefit of the viewer.

In this scene, Two, looking not at all different to their current appearance, walks through the Equation Playground (which looks exactly as it did during the early 1970s Jacknjellify shorts, as opposed to the more modernized style of earlier TPOT episodes) without a care in the world. They appear to be skipping—*yes*, skipping—towards an official-looking building.

Two narrates this flashback off-screen in the present day, although they (and the other Algebraliens) also speak in the scenes depicted here. Unlike elsewhere in the series, the dialogue in the flashback is shown by bullet points rather than indents.
#### Outdoors, on the Playground proper

**Two**: [*narrating*] I was a sprightlier number back then, full of the innocence that comes to a being that's spent their whole life on their home planet. And I was younger too... but not by much.

[*Two skips and waves at everything in the background in that way they have.*]

* **Two**: Hi, Sun! Hi, house! Hi, roof! Hi, ball! Hi, door! Hi, cloud! Hi, Five!

[*Two tries to high-five* **Five** *but misses.*]

* **Two**: What was that?
* **Five**: I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything any more.
* **Two**: Perfect for you, I suppose. Ready to start your acting career on that planet in System X3672?
* **Five**: Oh, absolutely. I hope they find me pleasant. I sort of faked my headshots. I'm not quite as purple as my pictures make me out to be.
* **Two**: Don't worry, I think you'll do fine! Even if the only media on the planet are people standing around like this.

[*Two stands in place while indicating* **Six**, *the Algebralien standing boredly at the Living Sub-Count Sculpture, where they and a quintet of* **Zeros** *depict the number 600,000.*]

* **Five**: At least I have the experience for it.
* **Two**: From standing at the Sub-Count for nine months.
* **Five**: Why exactly should an event on a planet on the other side of the galaxy affect where I stand as a number? But who am I to complain? That's weird Six's job now, not mine!
* **Six**: [*in the background*] Just because my cat's monochromatic doesn't make me weird!
* **Two**: I know, right? Totally weird. Well, best of luck wherever you go, my dear acquaintance.
* **Five**: I'd say the same about you. I know it's unlikely, but I hope we'll meet again in the future.
* **Two**: Bye!

[*Hic teleportat* **Five**.]

**Two**: He never did regain those teleportation abilities after he turned obscure actor–turned-medic. Ah, well. He's my co-host now!
[*Return to present, where* **Four** *is holding a clipboard and taking notes. The arrangement of the crowd has changed slightly, as some of them, absorbed in Two's story, now sit around them as they speak.*]

**Four**: I'll give you that. So what did you do afterwards?
**Two**: Oh, I'll tell you!
[*Continue flashback.*]

**Two**: You see, the 14th of December—that's according to your calendar—it was no ordinary day.
**R****u****b****y**: Is it because it was two days after Match's birthday?
**Two**: No. I mean perhaps. I mean... the 14th was the day I decided to change my life. It was the day I applied to leave this planet and move to Earth.
**Crowd**: Oooooh.
#### Waiting room, Interplanetary Travel Office

[*At the sound of a shop doorbell,* **Two** *enters the Interplanetary Travel Office. It is noticeably a more run-down building than the one seen at the start of the episode; and it seems much less technologically advanced, too. A slightly dilapidated waiting room lies off to the side (where* **Nine** *can be seen, lying down on one of the chairs and reading a magazine); and in the middle of the room there is a wooden door reading "No entry" in the Algebralien script. One can hope that such a tableau image can even conjure up the smell of the pre-renovated Equation Playground of the early 1970s.*]

* **Two**: Hello there!

[*Two looks around and sees that there is nobody there.*]

* **Two**: Where is everybody?

[*Two rings the reception bell. It sounds like Four screeching. After a few seconds of waiting,* **Three** *comes out of a room with a forced smile on his face.*]

* **Three**: Sorry, we were busy watching the latest *Shade-y Bunch*. That Navy Bones is quite the Earthly singer. Anyway, Two, I see you're here for your interview.
* **Two**: Hope I'm not too terribly late! I'm here to see the Spacefaring Consular Officer.
* **Three**: You're looking for a Sco?
* **Two**: Yes, I'm looking for a Sco.

[*Enter* **Y**, *a variable letter who looks a bit like X, except she's a Y. The very beginning of the Frankie Avalon song "Why" plays for about 0.2 seconds on her entry.*]

* **Y**: I am the Sco.
* **Two**: Oh! [*curtseys and bows*] How does one become a Sco?
* **Three**: Can we stop saying Sco?
* **Two**: Sorry, Sco.

[*Three rolls his eyes as Y leads Two into a dark room.*]

* **Y**: Come with me.

**Four**: Ten has that job now.
**Seven**: But Three continues to make a compelling receptionist!
#### Interrogation Room

[*Return to past dialogue. Y turns off the television set.*]

* **Y**: [*Aside.*] Oh, Navy Bones... [*Aloud.*] Two, I am going to ask you a series of questions that will allow me to determine whether or not you are eligible to apply for the Tosséritchica Multiple-Entry Visa. Are you familiar with the TMEV?
* **Two**: Yeahr, I am! It's the only visa we have that lets us land on a planet with nothing but the membranes on our backs.
* **Y**: And do you know why it's called Tosséritchica?
* **Two**: 'Cos it's an Algebralien word.
* **Y**: Which translates to what?
* **Two**: "Splat".

[*Y tries not to laugh.*]

* **Two**: [*proudly*] I did some research and even took notes. Haven't done that since I skived off EP school.

[*Y pulls out a very large book. Two's eyes grow big. Uninterrupted, fast-paced dialogue in the next set of lines.*]

* **Y**: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Now, my first question to you: On which planet do you intend to land?
* **Two**: Earth. It's in the Solar System.
* **Y**: Which, as you know, is a most popular one. Too bad most of that planet's native object dwellers could only make it to their puny moon and no further. I will never understand why they named their "space" programme after a deity of theirs that could do much more than that.
* **Two**: But I'm going to change it, I just know it! [*Beat.*] That is what you wanted me to say, innit?
* **Y**: Perhaps. Next question: What is the purpose of your visit to Earth?
* **Two**: Purpose? Well, I certainly hope to have one. I want to host a show there.
* **Y**: With objects?
* **Two**: That's the intended plan. A bit like our beloved BFDI, but more focused on me.
* **Y**: Are you familiar with any Earthly languages?
* **Two**: Yes, I speak English fluently.
* **Y**: How fluently?
* **Two**: You're not going to give an English exam in here, are you? I've already translated a classic to Algebralien as part of my final assignment.
* **Y**: What novel was that?
* **Two**: [*humbly*] *See Spot Run*.
* **Y**: Really, Two?
* **Two**: Well, it was a long time ago! If I were doing it now, I'd probably do *Spot Goes One Toke Over the Line*. It's not about what you think.
* **Y**: [*Aside.*] Sweet Jesus. [*Aloud.*] Next question: Do you know anyone living on Earth?
* **Two**: Four and X.
* **Y**: You know Four and X?
* **Two**: Not personally. Alas, I am just a non-celebrity, an Equation Playground drop-out who's never been anywhere but here, and who will probably never end up on their level of fame.

**X**: I think that's jealousy.
**Four**: I knew you were delusional, Two, but not jealous! [*scribbling sounds*]
* **[** **Two** [*in the present day*] · **Y** [*in 1971*] **]**: Right.
* **Y**: Now, are you in a co-hosting relationship with anyone?
* **Two**: Not at the moment, but I hope to one day!
* **Y**: Are you travelling alone?
* **Two**: Yes.
* **Y**: Are you travelling with someone else?
* **Two**: No.
* **Y**: Are you travelling in the company of another individual who is not yourself?
* **Two**: You already asked that question in two different ways!
* **Y**: Just wanted to make sure you were paying attention, that's all.

**Two**: Those questions probably took three, four days to complete? They came from the biggest book I'd ever seen, and I had to answer every single one of them. [*sighs*] If I'd just come here by rocket like most other people—
[*Return to present. More people are sitting around Two, growing more interested.*]

**N****i****ne**: Or by cool car! [*indicating the space-Edsel*]
**Two**: Or by cool car, yes. Well, I'd have landed on Earth a lot sooner and probably before your episode was in the can, Four.
**Four**: Yes, but then you'd have to return to the Equation Playground much sooner, too.
**X**: Much, much sooner.
**Four**: [*whose smile is beginning to grow*] Much, much, *much* sooner.
**G****at****y**: Hey, it's not that bad, Two. The whole process sounds like applying for a visa to move to another country.
**P****i****n**: Something I am very familiar with.
**P****ri****c****e Tag**: Preach!
**Two**: [*claps twice*] So! After a few days of being interviewed and seeing the shadows of people coming in and out of the building, who I was unfortunately not allowed to greet in that way I have... I felt I was finally ready to take the plunge. However, it just so happens that by then I was beset by the terrible affliction of sleeplessness.
Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Notes

1. ↑ As she's been doing a lot of talking in this episode, this action is actually noticeable enough to be recorded
2. ↑ To future readers, *turnt* is also the obsolete participial form of *turn*, so Snowball's saying it makes sense.
3. ↑ Something about the Memphis aesthetic. I don't know how to put it in a way that would sound natural to somebody from 1989.
4. ↑ There was a bit of a delay in this case, given how much I like putting these kinds of alien invasions in every fifteen episodes. I thought there was enough going on in episode 45, so the only visitors in that episode didn't come from outer space, but from the procreation of our star-crossed lovers.
5. ↑ **BFB 10**: 4:04 (may not be a coincidence).
6. ↑ "Canonically", Nine uses any pronouns. Here, I headcanon Nine as using *he/him* with Algebraliens, *she/her* with objects and *they/them* in stage directions.
7. ↑ I actually want that right now.
8. ↑ This is in line with "BFDI's Road to Half a Billion Views", because on 14 December 2019 (the "Anno Veritatis" calendar version of this specific date), Jacknjellify had exactly 604,280 subscribers and passed the 500,000 subscriber mark in March of that year.

**Fake TPOT** [V]