Paparazzi

**Todd**: Yeah, okay, the second episode was "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga. The first episode...um...did not go the way I'd planned. It was...it didn't get any hits, it was extremely difficult to do, and I could've given up right there. And then I started coming up with ideas for "Paparazzi," 'cause this was right when Lady Gaga was, like, making it known that she wasn't some disposable, like, pop starlet, like she was actually gonna be around for a while. When I have a good idea, I pace. I pace furiously, and I was pacing a lot in preparation for the next episode. And that's how I knew I was gonna keep doing it, 'cause I was pacing, I loved...well... This was...this is the first episode I actually tried showing people other than me. And it was helpful, especially showing my little brother, who was a ghostwriter for a lot of the early episodes. It was...we were still working out the bugs, obviously, on episode two, but here it is. The second episode—"Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga.

*[Fades out]*

***LADY GAGA - PAPARAZZI
A pop song review***

*[Fade into Todd playing "Paparazzi" on his piano.]*

**Todd**: Friends, there is a plague sweeping this nation of ours, reeking havoc on the cultural landscape, leaving nothing but destruction in its wake! A plague known only as Lady Gaga.

*Video for "Poker Face"*
**Todd (VO)**: And no, this is not a mere trifle to be taken lightly. This is a serious problem, friends. More proof? Well, I got proof.

*Clips of various people performing "Poker Face"*
**Chris Daughtry**: Can't read my, can't read my
No you can't read my...
**Weezer**: ...poker face. She's got to love nobody
**Mike Patton (Faith No More)**: My, my, my poker face
My, my, my poker face
**Todd**: That was Faith No More, guys. If Lady Gaga has become so powerful that she can corrupt the majesty of Mike Patton, we've reached the point of serious concern. But the cover version of "Poker Face" that bothers me the most, is by Lady Gaga.

*Video of Gaga playing "Poker Face" on piano in studio*
**Gaga**: I wanna hold them...
**Todd (VO)**: You may not know this, but Lady Gaga is a Julliard-trained child prodigy, and it really does show in this video. If you watch this video enough times, you'll notice two very important things—1., Lady Gaga is ridiculously talented; and 2., Lady Gaga is Satan.

I'm not kidding. This video scares me to death.

**Gaga**: I am marvelous.
**Todd**: *[covering his head]* Ah! Don't leave me!

**Todd (VO)**: I already knew that "Poker Face" was already a fairly evil song to begin with, but this makes it so much worse. Maybe it's that she's dressed like a *Final Fantasy* villain for no reason, or those weird, bug-like motions, or maybe it's just the fact that you can't see her eyes.

**Todd**: What kind of person makes some creepy weird video of themselves where you can't see their eyes?! *[Turns to camera--do* you *see his eyes?]* That's just crazy, right?!

**Todd (VO)**: But I think what bothers me the most is that she could've been making these genuinely impressive torch songs forever, but instead she chooses to make music like this.

*Video for "Love Game"*
**Gaga**: Let's have some fun
This beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
**Todd**: And therein lies the great paradox of Lady Gaga—she's too smart, too talented to make bad pop music, but she's too shallow to *not* make bad pop music, and the only way she can deal with this is to become this over-the-top, semi-ironic caricature of pop stardom. Which is a great, original idea which no one's ever thought of before.

*Clips of...Gwen Stefani - "Hollaback Girl"*
**Gwen**: ...no hollaback girl, I ain't no...
*Madonna - "Vogue"*
**Madonna**: Vogue, vogue
*David Bowie - "Let's Dance"*
**David**: Let's dance
**Todd**: Okay. Maybe some people have thought of it before. But if there's something on which I can agree with even the dumbest pop stars, it's that we all hate the paparazzi.

*Video for "Paparazzi"*
**Todd (VO)**: The paparazzi are worthless. They are the scum-sucking bottom-feeders of the entertainment world.

**Todd**: If you had to rank the showbiz hierarchy, the paparazzi would be *way* at the bottom. And of course, right at the top are reviewers, like myself. So if Ldy Gaga is going to focus her terrifying demonic energy on somebody, I'm glad it's those parasites. Go get 'em, Lady Gaga.

**Gaga**: Papa, paparazzi
**Todd**: "Pop a paparazzi." You mean like, "pop 'em"? Pop 'em one right in the face? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I can get behind this.

**Gaga**: Baby there's no other superstar
You know that I'll be
Papa-Paparazzi
**Todd**: *[beat]* Wait.

**Gaga**: Promise I'll be kind
But I won't stop until that boy is mine
Baby you'll be famous
Chase you down until you love me
Papa-Paparazzi
*Todd just lays his head down on the piano*

**Todd**: Why am I even surprised?! Why am I surprised? She's so vapidly in love with celebrity culture that she even loves the paparazzi. What is wrong with this woman?! Paparazzi are the enemy! They're...they made a whole movie *[poster of the film* Paparazzi*]* about how the paparazzi wanna destroy your life and eat your soul and they're going to enjoy doing it.

*Clip from the film*
**Rex Harper (Tom Sizemore)**: I want to destroy your life and eat your soul, and I can't wait to do it.
**Todd**: And what's this "I'm your biggest fan" nonsense?

**Gaga**: I'm your biggest fan
I'll follow you until you love me
**Todd**: The average paparazzo isn't assaulting Megan Fox at the airport or digging through Brad Pitt's garbage because they really, really like them. They just want a paycheck, Lady Gaga. You know that, right?! You know what the paparazzi are, right?! Do you even know the definition of the word?!

**Gaga**: Not sure what it means
**Todd**: Well, that clears that up. You know, I'm not against stalker songs, per se. I mean, I love "Every Breath You Take," everyone does. But "Paparazzi," I can't seem to figure out what the metaphor of the song actually is. I mean, look.

**Gaga**: Got my flash on it's true
Need that picture of you
**Todd**: She's a paparazzo.

**Gaga**: I'm your biggest fan
I'll follow you until you love me
**Todd**: No...she's an obsessed fan.

**Gaga**: Leather and jeans
Your watch glamorous
Not sure what it means
But this photo of us
**Todd**: She's...a fellow celebrity.

**Gaga**: I'll be your girl backstage at your show
**Todd**: She's a...groupie.

**Gaga**: Real good, we're dancing in the studio
Snap, snap to that shit on the radio
**Todd**: She's a blithering idiot. I don't know! Why am I even trying to look this deeply at it?! The more I peel back the layers of Lady Gaga, the less I find! My only conclusion is that there's just nothing there. She just wants to conquer us all with her evil powers and use our skins as fabric for her endless array of stupid outfits! *[brief clip of her in one of them]* I mean, I'd like to think that she was a flash in the pan that's gonna burn herself out by next year, but I'm honestly worried that she's in this for the long haul. Is there nothing we can do about this woman before it's too late?!

*Guy in video pushes Gaga over the balcony, as a couple of pictures are taken*
**Guy**: (subtitled) Damn you cunt!
**Todd**: Well, that works.

*Video ends*

*Closing tag song: Electric Six - "Radio Ga Ga"*

***THE END***

***"Paparazzi" is owned by Interscope Records, and this review is owned by me***