Fake TPOT 5a: So This Is Life

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Because the real-life version of this episode has already been released, this page can **no longer be edited**, except to correct the smallest spelling mistakes or to add/modify the episode's description.

"**Two Rocks the Elderly**" is the first part of the non-canon fifth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 21 July 1974. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 5 (or even TPOT 2) comes out. Before 8 July 2021, this episode was known as either "**This Is Your Life**" or "**Thank You for Being a Friend**" before the current title was moved here from the previous episode. Before the 11th, this was a very long one-parter episode called "**Two Rocks the Elderly**" (a title that has been moved for the last time to the second part).

Author's note: There's a general warning in this segment for **violence**. I'm not sure how violent it is compared with other scenes in the series (especially in later episodes), but just in case I'll give it a mention. To skip it, I suggest you skip (Ctrl-F) down to Marker's line, "**What should I get?**".

Author's note: Because of the vaguely special nature of this episode (hard-hitting life lessons that may or may not be present), I plan for this episode to be the longest of them all. After that, I'll have to seriously consider shortening them.

Previous episode: "All Boxed In"

Next episode: "Two Rocks the Elderly"

## Flash forward

### **A bleak landscape**

**Scene**The episode, unlike others, begins on a very dark note. Dreadful music can be heard in the background, as can moans (not of a sexual nature, thank God, but moans of despair). The sky is overcast over Mahaliland, *i.e.*, where TPOT is regularly filmed, and no one is milling about the field any more. A peculiar part of the area is cordoned off with a red rope, inside which contains all sorts of objects, and Book, Naily and Price Tag stand inside it.
* **Bo****ok**: Are you sure this is how you make a memorial shrine?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I'm positive.
* **Bo****ok**: It seems so dark.
* **N****a****ily**: That's what they said about the weather.
* **Bo****ok**: I've never actually lived in a world where death is eternal. Should we be sad about that?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: It is the usual thing, yes.
* **N****a****ily**: But not too blue. We don't want anyone to die of sadness.
* **Bo****ok**: No one dies of sadness, silly.
* **N****a****ily**: I don't know. The way things are going at the moment, it might just happen.
* **Bo****ok**: [*sighs*] I know. But how could it have come to this?

[*The dreadful music gets louder as we see the makeshift headstones of the dead contestants as of this episode: Bottle, Nickel, Tree, Remote, Battery, Eraser, Lightning, Fanny, Saw, Pin, 9-Ball, Pillow.*]

### **Inside a room in Two's hotel**

**Scene**Barf Bag and Clock are chained to the wall, unable to move. They are facing each other... Clock is upside down.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Uh... nice weather we're having today?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Oh, sure, cloudy with a chance of topsy-turvy!
* **Barf** **Bag**: Sorry, I should have been more sympathetic to your position. If someone put me upside down like that, I wouldn't know what to do!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: You said sorry.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Yeah, I'm being polite.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Okay, say more.
* **Barf** **Bag**: [*sighs*] I apologize for standing up for a host against a fellow contestant.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Thank you.

[*Pause.*]

* **Barf** **Bag**: I think someone owes me an apology as well.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*sighs*] I'm sorry for being a stickler up there. Numbers deserve their privacy as much as objects do.
* **Barf** **Bag**: And?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Sorry for bringing up the barf molecules.
* **Barf** **Bag**: So we're good?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yeah.
* **Barf** **Bag**: How could it have come to this?
* **Narrator**: Ago.

## Ago

### **Outside**

**Scene**Flashback to the end of TPOT 4, in which Eraser is left in the dark after Pen and Rubber Spatula go into the hotel together.
* **Eraser**: [*to himself*] No distractions, eh? I know what to do. *Okay, TV, play Inanimate Insanity!*

[*Just as Eraser is about to run to his own team's cabin, his eyes suddenly turn red.*]

* **Eraser**: Oop... huh? What the heck is happening to meeeeeeeeee?!

[*Ominous music sting.*]

### **Death P.A.C.T. Again's cabin**

**Scene**Tree, Remote, Fanny, Lightning and Pie watch Black Hole as he sings and plays the guitar.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: ♫ *... but they were not heard from again.* ♫

[*They all clap.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Black Hole, that was lovely.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You rock our abode.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Thank you, thank you very much.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: I'll see you later, I've got to have a shower.

[*Exit* **Lightning** *as he goes into the team's bathroom.*]

* **Fan****ny**: Lightning, wait! You're a lightning bolt, you're going to get— [*to the others*] I'd better stop this guy.

[*Exit* **Fanny**.]

* **Pi****e**: And I'll see what's keeping Marker so late.
* **T****r****e****e**: Don't take too long!
* **Pi****e**: Duly noted.

[*Exit* **Pie**.]

* **T****r****e****e**: So, what do you want to do now?

[*Enter* **Eraser** *in his state of temporary evil. His eyes are still red.*]

* **Eraser**: I know what you're going to do.
* **T****r****e****e**: Eraser, what are you doing here?
* **Eraser**: I don't know. But I know what you're going to do today.
* **T****r****e****e**: What?
* **Eraser**: [*very deep voice*] Die. Grrrrr!

[*Eraser lunges at Tree.*]

* **Eraser**: This is what you get for being mean to Pen!
* **T****r****e****e**: The seed are you talking about?
* **Eraser**: You've made a big fat mistake, bro.
* **T****r****e****e**: I didn't do anything, I swear!
* **Eraser**: Hup!

[*As Eraser fights Tree in the background.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oh no, Eraser is causing death.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: This is all very unsettling.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Should we do something?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You could fight back.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But the death prevention rules...
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: The only rule is that you have to prevent death. Stopping a fight would, in theory, comply with the rules, for the prevention, of Tree's death.

[*Silence. Remote's eyes go big.*]

* **Eraser**: Okay, I killed him.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*a little shocked, or more shocked that we have heard him before*] And Tree, is dead.
* **Eraser**: I'm out of here.

[*Eraser is about to go, but not before smiling with his many rows of teeth.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I have an idea. Goodbye, Mr. Hole.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wait...

[*She takes* **Battery** *out of her—thus dying—and chucks her at Eraser's head before she can be powered off.*]

* **B****atter****y**: I'm *freeeeeeee!* Oof!
* **Eraser**: Oh! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
* **B****atter****y**: Come on, I've only seen the light for, like, five secooooooonds!

[*Eraser and Battery fall into the fireplace and die.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I... don't know what to—

[*Fanny and Lightning can be heard screaming from the other room, along with the sound of the shower running.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*inhales*] The mad one's eye strikes again.

### **Vending machine**

**Scene**Outside the hotel, a number of contestants, failed debuters and recommended characters are standing in a queue. Many of them look impatient.
* **Ma****r****ker**: Hmm... what should I get? This one, or this one, or this one...
* **Cloudy**: Why not collect the nougat? The one at A3.
* **Balloony**: [*misunderstanding*] *New kid*? I don't think they'd put people in... [*sees the vending machine*] Och, you've been saying *nougat* the whole time!
* **Winner**: It makes so much sense now!

[*Enter* **Pie**.]

* **Pi****e**: Hey, party people, I've come to collect Marker.
* **Everyone**: Yeah!
* **C****a****ke**: But you're cutting in line.
* **V****H****S****y**: Queue-jumper!
* **Pi****e**: Good grief, you hedonists, it's only a worldly vending machine.
* **Pill****ow**: A vending machine and nothing else.

[*Suddenly, to the sound of pleasant harp music, the vending machine turns into* **Two**. *All the contestants scream and back away.*]

* **Pill****ow**: [*who has been at the back of the queue*] Oo-oh, whoa!

[*She falls into a manhole. Next to it is a sign that reads "To the underworld" in many bright colours.*]

* **Roc****ky**: Bulleh! [*vomits into the hole*]
* **Donut**: [*rushing up to Two*] Two, you're back!
* **Two**: That's right, I'm here, in the flesh.

[*Two smiles broadly, though one doesn't have to be a fool to see that they're faking it.*]

* **Two**: So what's happened while I was gone?
* **Donut**: Oh, a lot of things! We accepted a number of new contestants on the show—
* **Two**: [*interrupting Donut*] Wait... all these people cannot be here. They weren't voted in!
* **Cloudy**: Uh oh, I think Two's talking about you.
* **Balloony**: I'd better go book a room, quick.
* **Cloudy**: Yeah, I'll go with you.
* **Balloony**: Come with us, little one.

[*Exit* **Cloudy** *and* **Balloony**, *who drags* **Rocky** *away with him into the hotel.*]

* **Donut**: ... But Two, what should we do with them?
* **Two**: They must go back *toOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*The TPOT intro plays.*]

* **Two**: —my hotel.
* **Sa****lt** **L****am****p**: But I want to compete!
* **L****e****e****k**: If my free trial period has expired, then I'm going to overstay it.
* **Two**: No, you aren't! All those who are not original TPOT contestants, please enter my hotel and don't come out.
* **Pi****e**: Goodbye, everyone.

[*All of the failed debuters, as well as the characters recommended for this episode, rush into the hotel.*]

* **Ma****r****ker**: O-kay!
* **B****e****ll**: That was a little harsh, Two!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Anyway... what are we doing next?
* **Two**: [*sigh*] Let's do Cake at Stake.

## Cake at Stake

### **Cake at Stake place**

**Scene**The Cake at Stake theme plays. All the contestants present have gathered and are sitting on the bleachers. it is a much smaller crowd than before, as not only are many people dead, but there are a lot of contestants inside the hotel for various reasons.
* **Two**: Alright, it appears that Just Not lost last episode.

[*Two sighs before reading from index cards, each of which they throw away immediately after reading.*]

* **Two**: Price Tag is safe, Naily is safe, Book is safe, Nickel is safe, Pillow is safe, Cake is safe, Bomby's eliminated. We're good? We're good.
* **N****a****ily**: Oh no, Bomby's eliminated!
* **Bom****by**: I'd like to say a few words!
* **Two**: Please enter my hotel and don't come out.
* **Bom****by**: But I—
* **Two**: [*about to cry*] Just go, will you?

[*Jump cut to the living members of Just Not,* i.e. **Book**, **Cake**, **Naily** *and* **Price Tag**, *saying their farewells to Bomby.*]

* **N****a****ily**: I guess this is goodbye.
* **Bo****ok**: I missed cranking the HPHPRCC with you, bud.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: You're the bomb dot com!
* **Bom****by**: What? I mean, okay, goodbye.

[*Exit* **Bomby** *into the hotel. He closes the door very slowly.*]

* **Bom****by**: [*imitating the door*] Eeeeep!
* **N****a****ily**: That was weird.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Is it just me, or is everyone acting a bit out of sorts today?
* **C****a****ke**: Eh, it's probably nothing.

## Post–Cake at Stake

### **Cake at Stake place**

**Scene**Meanwhile...
* **Donut**: Two, you'll be happy to know—not that I'm happy to see a former Icy Boy sent home—that Bomby is the fourth to be eliminated after Pie, that invisible one from episode 3 and Ice Cube.
* **Two**: You mean to say that Icy is eliminated then?
* **Donut**: Yeah.
* **Yellow Face**: [*to Ice Cube*] Goodbye, again.
* **Ice Cube**: Aw!

[**Ice Cube** *packs up her tiny bags and goes into the hotel, for she was eliminated last episode.*]

* **Two**: Hey. There's a smaller crowd than usual here. What happened?
* **Donut**: Um... some people kind of *died* while you were away.
* **Two**: Like who?
* **Bo****ok**: Well, Nickel got eaten by Shampoo.
* **Two**: What?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote killed Eraser by throwing Battery at him...

[*Gasping sound effect.*]

* **Two**: Double what?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's because he was killing Tree.
* **Two**: Triple what?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Also, Lightning and Fanny died by taking a shower together.
* **Two**: *Quadruple what?!*
* **Gra****ssy**: And Saw, Pin and 9-Ball got abducted by unfriendly aliens!
* **Two**: Aeh, that I can believe.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, you can bring them back, right?
* **Two**: Er, I really don't know.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Why do you look so down anyway, huh?
* **Two**: Well, I was, um...
* **C****l****o****c****k**: And why did you disappear so long?
* **Two**: Uh...
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Where the *tick* did you go?
* **Two**: Butt...
* **C****l****o****c****k**: *Answer the question*, Two. Don't make me use my hands.
* **Need****le**: [*gleefully, to Coiny*] He's so forceful!
* **Barf** **Bag**: Whoa, Clock, you can't act like that!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Why not? We contestants *deserve* the answers!
* **Barf** **Bag**: Two *deserves* their privacy!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: They're a *host*.
* **Barf** **Bag**: You're only putting pressure on an already depressed number.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I'm not putting pressure on anyone.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Don't boss around someone who can move a forest.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: It is against the rules for a host to disappear without saying why.
* **Barf** **Bag**: You're making that up!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Oh yeah? Read my mind!
* **Barf** **Bag**: If I did, all I'd find would be *broken gears!*
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well, if I read your mind, all I'd find is *barf!*
* **Two**: [*in the same way that Squidward yelled in that dancing episode of SpongeBob*] ***EEEE-NOOOOOOOOOOOUGH!***

[*Just as Teardrop often stomps away from arguments (as in BFB 1),* **Two** *stomps all the way inside their hotel and slams the door shut. They come out again.*]

* **Two**: Oh, wait. Forgot something.

[*Two grabs* **Clock** *and* **Barf Bag** *and they head to the hotel.*]

* **Barf** **Bag**: This is wrong, Two!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I order you to put me down. Now.

[*Two slams the door shut.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Okay, what just happened?
* **T****V**: And what do we do now?
* **Co****i****ny**: [*angry*] I'll tell you what we can do now!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hey, Coiny, tone down the rage.
* **Donut**: Yeah, we've had enough negativity for today.
* **Co****i****ny**: I was only joking! I was going to say...

[*Long and awkward pause.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Just let it out, Coiny!
* **Co****i****ny**: ***BOOGIE DOOOOOWN!!!***

[*A mid-1970s funk tune begins to play as colourful lights fill the previously bleak landscape. Everyone begins to dance.*]

* **E****g****gy**: This feels so wrong!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, our friends died and our host is probably torturing those two poor souls as we speak.
* **B****e****ll**: Who cares, let's dance!
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy loves this song!

[*View of the remaining contestants (Basketball, Bell, Black Hole, Book, Cake, Coiny, Donut, Eggy, Foldy, Fries, Gaty, Golf Ball, Grassy, Marker, Naily, Needle, Price Tag, Puffball, Robot Flower, Snowball, Tennis Ball, TV, Winner and Yellow Face) dancing in an uncharacteristic manner.*]

### **Back of the hotel**

**Scene**While the contestants are dancing, a bus stops in the seldom-seen car park in the back of Two's hotel. The bus doors open and out come five people walking slowly and gracefully. One of them (incidentally shaped like a walker) carries a walker with him. They enter the hotel, and their names are **Cash Reefun**, **Foldy Fan**, **Gertrude** and **Silvery**, and the one with the walker is named **Walker**. The door opens and a very young-looking employee, wearing a bellhop's outfit, opens the door.
* **Ho****p Be****ll**: Oh, hello.
* **S****il****very**: Greetings, youth. We have arrived for tonight's Gogmatic Pilgrimage and Workshop Revival Camp-Turned-Auditorium Meeting Convention.
* **Ho****p Be****ll**: I'm sorry?
* **Gertrude**: Our spiritual guide Squeeplonk will only choose five people to join him on his journey to the physical, ethereal beyond, and we think we ought to look our best for the occasion.
* **Ho****p Be****ll**: Oh, that's what it is, the, the convention.
* **S****il****very**: No. It is the Gogmatic Pilgrimage and Workshop Revival Camp-Turned-Auditorium Meeting Convention.
* **Ho****p Be****ll**: Well, I'm sorry, sirs, ma'ams and genderqueer clams, but the senior entrance is, at the moment, unavailable.
* **W****al****ke****r**: Heavens to bakery!
* **Ho****p Be****ll**: You will have to go around the hotel and join the queue with everyone else, and quickly too; there's a crowd.
* **Gertrude**: Oh bother, I should hate to walk through a crowd!
* **Ho****p Be****ll**: We at Two's hotel promise to have this entrance repaired as soon as possible for your convenience. Thank you for your understanding.
* **Cash** **Reefun**: That's what they always say.
* **S****il****very**: Clams?

[**Cash Reefun**, **Foldy Fan**, **Gertrude**, **Silvery** *and* **Walker** *make their way to the front of the building where. However, they have to walk a long distance because the hotel is very large.*]

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**The contestants continue to dance. A few seconds in, the music stops, the lights go off and a piece of paper with a lot of words falls out of the sky. Everyone is confused.
* **C****a****ke**: Huh?
* **Winner**: Where's the music gone?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Aw, I really liked this escapism.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: There's a piece of paper falling from the sky.
* **Golf Ball**: Let's read it!

[*Puffball grabs hold of the paper with her mouth.*]

* **Puffball**: Um, it's a lot of words. Can you read it for me, Book?
* **G****at****y**: How about we each take turns reading it?
* **Golf Ball**: Huh?
* **G****at****y**: We've been through so much just today that it wouldn't hurt to go back to basic reading strategies.
* **Golf Ball**: Okay. Who here does not know how to read?
* **Snowball**: I ain't gonna read that!
* **Baske****t****ball**: That's right, Snowball can't read long texts!

[*Golf Ball starts to laugh. Tennis Ball looks worried as Snowball begins to make a threatening face.*]

* **Snowball**: Don't laugh, you, you Golf Ball!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Geeb, illiteracy is kind of a serious problem.
* **Golf Ball**: Fine.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Weren't you a teacher, Golf Ball?
* **G****at****y**: O*kay*, people, let's just get this started.

[*Fade to the contestants except* **Snowball** *sitting in a circle—or perhaps a strange-looking oval in the shape of Telly Savalas's head. Meanwhile, the clouds in the sky have darkened considerably and rain looks imminent.*]

* **G****at****y**: [*clearing her throat*] "Dearest contestants—"

[*She passes the paper on to Book.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Wait, that's all you're going to read?
* **G****at****y**: Well, there's enough words to go around for everyone.
* **Bo****ok**: Okay. "I am very disappointed in myself that you had to watch me explode before Clock and Barf Bag…

[*In this lengthy sequence (skipped over in later broadcasts), she passes the letter to Cake, who passes it to Naily* etc.]

**C****a****ke**: "Who I know are your friends, or sometimes enemies. I had to do what I had to do…
**N****a****ily**: "Even if it was out of my normally peppy character that you all see me as.
**P****ri****c****e Tag**: "The reason I was away for so long (and this is a personal thing, by the way),…
**Robot** **Fl****ower**: "Was that I was at the Equation Playground for an important meeting.
**Baske****t****ball**: "Many years ago, I had broken the Playground's rules…
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: "By leaving when I still had a requirement to fulfil…
**Gra****ssy**: "Before I was permitted... to travel interplanetarily.
**B****e****ll**: "It is the duty to do community service in things such as…
**F****old****y**: "Planting trees or helping the elderly, which I did not do…
**Ma****r****ker**: "On account of my youthful incompetence.
**Donut**: "The administrators of the Equation Playground had…
**E****g****gy**: "Hastily ticked off the boxes of every algebralien, including me…
**F****r****i****e****s**: "Without noticing that I hadn't done everything that everyone else had done.
**Puffball**: "After the recent discovery of my breach of these heavily-enforced rules…
**T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: "I was not allowed to leave the Equation Playground until today.
**Golf Ball**: "I am currently on my break, but only for one day.
**T****V**: "Tomorrow, I shall return to the Equation Playground...
**Winner**: "And you will not have a host for two or three months.
**Co****i****ny**: "I wish none of you had to suffer in boredom because of a mistake that I made in my youth…
**Need****le**: "And that is why I am explaining here that today's challenge is..."
[*Needle hands it to Yellow Face, who eats the paper.*]

* **Yellow Face**: [*while eating*] Om nom nom nom nom! *Delicioso!*

[*Everyone starts to complain.*]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: What the chips was that for, Yellow Face?
* **Yellow Face**: It looked delicious!
* **Golf Ball**: But now we don't know what today's challenge is!

[*She appears behind him, about to deliver a kick.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Spit it out, spit it out *right this minute!*
* **Baske****t****ball**: Wait a sec, GB, what if the challenge isn't a challenge?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: She's right. Two looked pretty sad because of that whole community service thing.
* **N****a****ily**: Hey, why don't we help Two do their community service?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Then, Two can bring our friends to life, and everything will be good again!
* **Golf Ball**: You'd like that, wouldn't you, TB? I'd like that too, but don't call that deadweight Eraser our friend.
* **Snowball**: This, this why no one likes you, Golf Ball!
* **Donut**: Come on, everyone, let's all join together and help a host!
* **Most of the contestants**: Yeah!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Whatever.

[*All the smiles fade as everyone stands in awkward silence.*]

* **B****e****ll**: Um... anyone know how we should begin?
* **F****old****y**: Bell's right, where will we find some trees to plant?
* **E****g****gy**: Or some elderly people to help?

[*As soon as she says this,* **Cash Reefun**, **Foldy Fan**, **Gertrude**, **Silvery** *and* **Walker** *can be seen walking to the front of the hotel.*]

* **F****oldy** **Fa****n**: We are finally at the front!
* **Cash** **Reefun**: Oh, great, now we have to wait in a *line!*
* **Gertrude**: It is in fact called a *queue*.

[*Lightbulbs visibly emanate from the heads of everyone (except Snowball).*]

## Pre-contest

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**Busy music plays. Cash Reefun, Foldy Fan, Gertrude, Silvery and Walker join the very, very long queue of people. The camera then pans so that viewers can see who else is in the line: the failed TPOT debuters, other recommended characters, even Bubble and Ruby, who make a cameo appearance! It stops at Balloony, Cloudy and Rocky, who are at the front desk.
* **Hote****l** **Bell**: I'm sorry, sir, but this hotel has a policy against puking rocks.
* **Balloony**: What? That's discrimination! I demand to see your high heidyin!
* **Cloudy**: Easy there, Balloony, don't be a Match.

[*Meanwhile, in the back of the queue.*]

* **Gertrude**: Oh, heavens, this is taking forever.
* **W****al****ke****r**: I'll be *dead* before they give us a room.
* **Cash** **Reefun**: Heck, I'll be dead before we go to the meeting.
* **Gertrude**: Now, isn't that's so unpleasant to hear?
* **Cash** **Reefun**: Dark humour is the way some people cope with tragedy.
* **S****il****very**: There's nothing tragic about our being in this line. Don't tear yourself down, senior citizen.

[*Enter* **Tennis Ball**, *who had previously been waiting in the stairwell for a while. All the other (remaining) contestants are behind him—hardly anyone walks past them just because Balloony is being difficult.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*awkwardly*] Oh, hello, celebrated creatures of age.
* **W****al****ke****r**: Are you a Gogmatic too?
* **F****old****y**: [*from the stairs*] ***YES!***
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: No, we actually work here. My twenty-three co-workers and I are always ready to serve our honoured guests, and we will do anything you want.
* **F****oldy** **Fa****n**: [*to Silvery*] He's kind of cute.

[*Enter* **Golf Ball** *from the railing.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Not in your dreams, madam; he's mine!
* **F****oldy** **Fa****n**: And who might you be?
* **Golf Ball**: I, my twenty-two co-workers and *my* Tennis Ball will be taking care of you for the time being.
* **Gertrude**: Is that true? How splendid, then!
* **Golf Ball**: I assume you don't want to sleep all in the same room together.
* **W****al****ke****r**: Oh, heck no.
* **Cash** **Reefun**: Gertrude farts from her eye.
* **Gertrude**: It is an incurable medical condition.
* **Golf Ball**: Sounds disgusting, but doable. Now, we have decided that our six teams of workers will take care of each of you, and the team that does the worst job is up for elimination.
* **S****il****very**: That is okay with me. Whatever *elimination* means.
* **Golf Ball**: Who wants to be helped by my and Tennis Ball's team?
* **F****oldy** **Fa****n**: I'd like to volunteer for that.
* **Golf Ball**: Absolutely not, we're taking a man.

[*Golf Ball drags Cash Reefun with her leg.*]

* **Cash** **Reefun**: Ouch, watch the leg!
* **Golf Ball**: Let's go, Are You Okay!
* **Rest of her team**: Yeah.

[*Exeunt* **Cash Reefun** *and* **Are You Okay** *(Fries, Golf Ball, Puffball, Tennis Ball and TV) to the room.*]

* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: You must get along with old people.
* **Golf Ball**: [*tripping upstairs*] Hush!
* **Winner**: [*to Foldy Fan*] Good day, kind person, would you like us to take care of you instead?
* **F****oldy** **Fa****n**: That would be wonderful!
* **Yellow Face**: Don't mind Golf Ball. She's a little rude.

[*Exeunt* **Foldy Fan** *and* **The S!** *(Winner and Yellow Face) to the room. Meanwhile, as the rest of the teams decide which person they should be caring for, with The Strongest Team on Earth...*]

* **Snowball**: This is so stupid! I don't want to take care of old people!
* **B****e****ll**: Snowball, have a heart! They're called *older elderly senior people citizens*.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, SB, and aren't you like a thousand years old?
* **Snowball**: No one calls *me* old!
* **Baske****t****ball**: *Anyway*, let's talk strategy. There were five people in that crowd, yet there are six teams.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: We are also the fullest team. None of us are dead!
* **Snowball**: That's because we are The Strongest Team—
* **Baske****t****ball**: Uh-huh.
* **B****e****ll**: Guys, what about the disadvantage we have? We can't all take care of one person without getting into conflict!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Bell's right. You all remember when Two sent that letter to us. Community service isn't just helping the elderly!
* **Snowball**: Are you saying we have to *do* things?
* **E****g****gy**: Well, the letter said we could plant trees. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with that!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Okay! Come on, let's go plant some trees.
* **Gra****ssy**: [*raising his arms*] World safety! Nature be.

[*Exit* **The Strongest Team on Earth** *out of the hotel.*]

## The contest

### **With the team8s**

**Scene**The team has been tasked with tending to Silvery. They are all together in a hotel room, the first time Coiny and Gaty have been in an enclosed space without arguing.
* **Donut**: I'm going to find some entertainment for our guest. Sure you'll be fine together?
* **G****at****y**: Oh, we'll be fine. Fine and *smooth*. Like peanut butter.
* **Donut**: Eish, okay.

[*Exit* **Donut**. **Coiny** *and* **Gaty** *look away from one another, somewhat out of shame.*]

* **Need****le**: Well, this is a Fireafy moment.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*softly*] Look, Gaty, why don't we try working together? I mean... we've both lost the people who mean the most to us. You don't have your Saw.
* **G****at****y**: And you don't have Pin.
* **Co****i****ny**: And Naily doesn't have David.
* **G****at****y**: Okay, why do people keep saying that?
* **Co****i****ny**: Now, our task is to get our guest to sign— [*holds up a crudely-drawn permission slip*] this piece of paper so Two can turn it into the Equation Playground and they can be our full-time host again.
* **G****at****y**: That's right. But *no* special treatment this time, alright? As *equal* team members, we will give equal attention to... to...
* **S****il****very**: Silvery.
* **G****at****y**: *Silvery*, just as I trust Silvery will give equal attention to each of us.
* **S****il****very**: Thank you. Wait... [*to Coiny*] You're Coiny! You're Pin's one and only!
* **Co****i****ny**: That's me, in the copper coating!
* **S****il****very**: Pin has told me *so much* about you in the little conversations that I've had with her since I was freed from my horrible cardboard box! I am so glad to finally find someone I recognize in this here hotel! Why, I, I feel like I know every aspect of your life and your completely harmonious relationship with Pin. [*to Needle*] And you must be Needle, Pin's best friend forever!
* **Need****le**: Yeah!
* **S****il****very**: I think you two are my favourite hotel workers.

[*Gaty makes the same face she did in TPOT 2 and Golf Ball and Tree did in BFB 13. Silvery turns to her.*]

* **S****il****very**: Who are you?

### **With Death P.A.C.T. Again**

**Scene**Black Hole and Marker make their way up the stairs with Gertrude, whom the latter is carrying on her back.
* **Gertrude**: One feels it very necessary to thank you two young people for looking after me as we ascend this high, steep and dangerous flight of stairs.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's really no problem, Mrs...
* **Gertrude**: Gertrude Dionysia Philomysia Winifrysia Duggitton Chuggitton Southwarksbraugh.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That.
* **Ma****r****ker**: Are we on your floor yet? You're a bit heavy!
* **Gertrude**: Well!

[*Gertrude slaps Marker and gets off his back.*]

* **Gertrude**: Scoundrel, I can get up by myself!

[*At once she runs upstairs at record speed.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Marker, that's not how you treat an object.
* **Ma****r****ker**: So I guess we won't get this signed, then.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We've got to be extra nice from now on. That's called tact.

### **With Just Not**

**Scene**The team (Book, Cake, Naily and Price Tag) are taking care of Walker, apparently the last one chosen.
* **Bo****ok**: Alright team, it looks like we're going to be taking care of Mr. Walker McCare.
* **C****a****ke**: [*Aside.*] That name sounds familiar... but I can't put my frosting on it.
* **W****al****ke****r**: Please, kind young people, call me Walker.
* **N****a****ily**: Sure thing, Walker! Now, what would you like to do first?
* **W****al****ke****r**: Would y'all please help me into that broken chair over there? I shouldn't be telling you this, but I have this condition where the meringue—I mean, the *malingue*—atop my head has stopped working, and it really hurts to stand.
* **C****a****ke**: [*Aside, suspicious.*] Hmm... but I have a meringue on my head!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: We can do that! [*to Naily*] Race you to the replacement wheels?
* **N****a****ily**: Thought you'd never ask.
* **Bo****ok**: I'll go get you some water. Do you want cold or warm?
* **W****al****ke****r**: Cold.
* **C****a****ke**: ***Grandpa, it's YOU!***
* **W****al****ke****r**: Oof, the hearing aid!

[*Enter* **Naily** *and* **Price Tag**, *confused.*]

* **Bo****ok**: What are you talking about, Cake?
* **C****a****ke**: *This* Walker is my grandfather, and he is in disguise!
* **W****al****ke****r**: No, no, you've got it all wrong, Cake!
* **C****a****ke**: [*gasps*] He even knows my name!
* **Bo****ok**: Of course he does; you're clearly a cake.
* **C****a****ke**: You don't get it! The love of cold water, the "meringue atop his head"? Even the name, Walker McCare, is just my grandpa's name with the letters switched round!
* **Bo****ok**: While all this makes for some compelling evidence, it would be better if we treated our guests like strangers and not close family. This man is not related to you, Cake, and you just have to accept that.
* **W****al****ke****r**: *Alright*, alright, you done got me talking.

[*Everyone looks at him, confused.*]

* **W****al****ke****r**: My name is Walter McRae, and yes, I am Cake's grandfather, and yes, I am in disguise right now.

[*The screen goes black and words fill the void to the sound of generic gasping. So say these words:*]

**To be continued

in TPOT 5b

someday**

[*The credits play. Viewers are instructed not to vote for who should stay, but for "whom they love", just like at the end of BFB 13. Instead of contestants, they are all just the same picture of Four (for some reason) duplicated over sixty times.*]

## Notes

1. ↑ Yes, the same Silvery that appeared in Jacknjellify's Silver Play video.

**Fake TPOT** [V]