Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames (GAM282)

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames*** is the story of a crazy church play that an Evangelical friend brought young Cara to watch live, scarring her for life.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love the acting of porn, but miss the production quality of a haunted house won in a divorce settlement, all while being unable to conceptualize a concept unless it's repeated in the exact same way twelve times in a row, you will *love* this movie. The *Momento* guy would stand up in the middle of this movie and go "Repetitive! This is repetitive."

### **Best Worst**

Cara: ...metadata YouTube description. [LibraryVHSRips: Fucked up Christian play where a bunch of people die and go to hell for inane reasons, including but not limited to being too busy volunteering at charities to go to church, and learning about evolution from college professors.]

* Heath: ...definition of evolution according to this movie. [Darwin taught us that there's no afterlife.]
* Heath: ...theatrical format. [Act 1, Act 1, Act 1, Act 1, and Act 1.]
* Eli: ...YouTube comments. [eg. "How do I download this to share with others?" and "That's not what coke is like." ]

### **Notes**

* Check out Cara on her website, Twitter, *Talk Nerdy*, *The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe*, *Fixed That for You*, and (thanks to Eli) iLoveSkinBooks.com.
* For $4,450, Reality Outreach Ministries will send out a "family of 2-5 people, traveling in a motorhome with a trailer filled with the equipment, sound, lighting, props, special effects, dual screens and everything they will need " to set up 30-50 local volunteers to put on the show. The show has been going since at least 1982.
* There are many versions of this propaganda, since churches apparently think it's a good idea to film their productions, including other (longer and shorter) ones from Reality Outreach Ministries. Also from Reality Outreach Ministries, see *Miracle in Modesto*, a documentary-style movie about this production at "Victory Assembly of God" in Lakeland, Florida.

### **Jokes**

* [Eli: I wrote in my notes, "Bible God is a villain the Mandalorian should free a space town from.] [ Cara: It's bad. No, these are the exact words: "We've never given our lives to Christ, so our names aren't in the book." So, can we just reiterate *one more time*, than these people *literally* believe that no matter *what* you do in the world, unless you say these words ("I give my life to Christ")—all you have to do is say the fucking magic words—you're gonna go to hell. Say the magic words, go to Heaven; everything else, it's a wash.] [Eli: Yeah! That's the worldview of this play, and a large percentage of the country and our standing government.] [Heath: And the entire world.] (1:01:21)
* [Eli: And, I wanna talk about why this scene is in the play, okay? Cause this is funny as fuck, but keep in mind that the reason that this is in the play is so that all the little kids, who believe in Jesus and went down to the alter last week when they did this play, will freak out. Because the message here, and what we *watch* happen on stage, is "the devil is gonna come take your mommy away and you'll never see her again, unless she comes to church with you on Sunday." And they *know* that's a terrible message! They know it's an immoral worldview, because if it wasn't scary and terrible, they wouldn't have put it in their fucking play!"] (1:26:19)
* Cara's Birthday Card from her Dad (1:29:56)

### **Interstitials**

* First Writer's Room Meeting (11:26)
* Karen and Jesus at Heaven's Gates (27:19)
* Heath and Cara with Saint Peter (1:03:16)

### **Tropes**

* Not Christian Enough
* Not Christian Enough
* Not Christian Enough
* Not Christian Enough
* Not Christian Enough
* Not Christian Enough
* Not Christian Enough
* Not Christian Enough
* Nothing Happens
* Problem of Evil
* RACISM!
* Reprehensible Moral Message
* World Without Black People

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Film on YouTube, or here (with the correct aspect ratio but worse sound) [**WARNING: STROBING LIGHTS**]
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Cuts: Heath, Why is Eli Inside Your Shirt? (1:40:38)
* Acorn TV: The British are WAY Better Than Us at Art (1:42:25) [CODE: AWFUL]
* Tushy: Eli Bosnick, Bidet Skeptic