Season 1 Episode 8 "The Battle Axe of Hatred Part 2"

The dad's stealthy plan goes off the rails immediately. Darryl consults with the founding fathers, Henry remembers a trip to the zoo, Ron gets a promotion, and Glenn makes a new friend.

## Intro

This episodes intro is a parody of Dan Carlin's Hardcore History. It recaps the previous episode, specifically Darryl's plan to cover their faces with piss rags in order to stop the effects of the drug flowers.

## Summary

Darryl is spinning in the air, intoxicated by the effects of the drug flowers after his natural 1 to end the previous episode. Glenn has just missed his attack on another guard, who proceeded to blow a whistle and alert the other guards. Henry runs up to one of the guards and misses a melee attack, and then tells the guard sorry. Glenn tries to flourish his nunchucks to power up and hit the guard next to him. He rolls a 6 and then nuts himself and takes three damage. Ron takes both components of his disassembled Skip-it and throws them individually at the same time at both guards. Beth rolls with disadvantage to hit but gets a 15 anyways and hits the first guard for 8 damage, who then dies. The second guard dodges. The second guard then rushes at Ron and hits Ron for 10 damage, cutting a chunk out of Ron’s shoulder.

Three more Redbrands run out of the hideout, all covered in vomit. Darryl, still confused and drugged, reaches out his hand for a handshake. One guard reciprocates as Darryl apologies for vomiting on their doorstep. Darryl then vomits all over all three of them, giving the rest of the group advantage for attacks to hit. Henry turns into a bear, specifically the one he saw once at the San Diego Zoo, and says “bear with me”. Henry goes after the guy he missed with the hammer, and hits for 8 damage. Henry misses his second attack. Glenn casts cure wounds on Ron and heals him for 11.

Ron attempts to use thaumaturgy to sound the voice of his father, Willy, around the guards. He rolls intimidation with disadvantage and gets an 8. Willy’s “I’m not mad. I’m disappointed” affects Ron far more than it affects the guards. Three of the guards shake off the vomit, the fourth goes after Bear-Henry. He hits Bear-Henry for 6 damage. Darryl evokes rage and casts ancestral protectors. This gives the baddies disadvantage on anyone they’re attacking that's not Darryl. Ancestral protectors show up in the form of Darryl’s favorite fathers: Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Mike Brady from the Brady Bunch, and Darryl’s own father (Frank). Darryl then tries to swing at a guard, and misses. All his favorite dads are disappointed in him. Bear-Henry tries to bite at another guard and misses with a 13, he uses his second attack to try and claw at the guard and succeeds with a 14, and rolls 13 damage, bisecting the guard.

With only three guards remaining, Glenn attempts to cast charm person on one of them, and succeeds. Ron goes to find his skip it rope, and then attempts to strangle a guard with it. Ron rolls a 9 on stealth but the guard rolls a nat 1. Ron misses the attack, but not entirely and now has the guard restrained. One remains. Glenn is floating now, but because the guard is charmed he leads him away and convinces him to blow the false alarm whistle. The third remaining guard then attempts to attack Ron and crit fails, and attacks the guard Ron is strangling. He cuts off his ear and then attempts a second attack on Ron. He crit fails again and cuts off the other ear.

Will calls two crit fails in a row “Ear-ey”, Ron builds on this by going “What's that? You’re attacking me? [sing song] I can’t hear you!” Darryl takes four damage, but uses stones endurance and rolls a 6. (Will does one for Freddie, just to show off, saying “You cut off his ears, talk about a lobe blow.”) (authors note here, these were just as bad to read as they were to hear). Glenn takes 3 damage. The guard who missed two attacks takes 4 damage. Darryl attempts and misses another attack. Henry de-bears and looks at the third guard and tells him to “take the L”, which he does and walks into the forest.

Glenn introduces the rest of the group to the charmed guard, who introduces himself as Harrelson. After scheming and a dad huddle, the dads try to convince Harrelson to bring The Battle Axe of Hatred outside so the Dads could “look at it in the moonlight” Henry rolls a 12 persuasion and fails. Darryl then threatens Harrelson, by telling him his options are getting the axe, or he would kill him like they did his friends. The Dads joke about HR departments and Harrelson reveals his name is Harrelson Ron. To avoid confusion, the Dads write “Bring the axe out” on one of Harrelson’s hands, and “or you’re fired” on the other. Harrelson manages fine on the way inside, and then fails a roll on the way out. However, he floats out and drops a bag in front of the dads. Glenn pats his back and says thank you, before pushing Harrelson back into the room.

Nick rejoins the group. The dads make sure the axe is in the bag and Anthony asks Glenn/Freddie to describe his ideal guitar: a PRS styling, pre-1994, single coil, with pearlescent inlays on top of the bird frets, then a maple finish and mother of pearl inlays on top of that. The Dads realize, the Battle Axe of Hatred, is really the Battleaxe of Hatred. Anthony explains that it needs a full action to get it tuned, and then it becomes a melee weapon that gives you +3 to hit. And if it ever connects Glenn gets to do an additional 2d6 of damage. But then, Glenn has to roll to see if it breaks like Jimi Hendrix smashing a guitar on stage. Glenn can feel that there is something inside this thing that wants to get out. Henry makes an insight check, and rolls a 9, learning there is something alive and evil in the guitar. Henry advises caution, Ron asks Glenn to play Wonderwall.

The dads return to the van and drive back to the Watermice camp after Glenn compliments the guitar. Nick and Glenn are in the backseat of the car, and Nick reveals to Glenn that he made up the wizard’s curse. Nick explains he just wanted to keep hanging out with Glenn. He tells Glenn he thinks the two of them should ditch the Dad’s and go sell the drugs in Waterdeep. Glenn agrees. Cern and Ron attempt a heart to heart. Ellory meets them at camp, and Nick explains that it went well, including an air guitar solo for demonstration, but before he can explain that it wasn’t stealthy, dozens Redbrands on horseback arrive who challenge the Watermice to a battle for their honor. A battle of the bands!

## Dad Facts

Glenn Close: He has only done $15 total in damages to a hotel, when he stole a wine uncorker.

Darryl Wilson: His favorite holiday is Tax Day. He does his taxes months in advance, but on Tax Day he gets to fuck his wife.

Henry Oak-Garcia: Henry's father once spanked one of the twins, but won't tell Henry which one.

Ron Stampler: Ron thinks every musical has to be about animals, as the only musical he has ever seen is Cats.

## Trivia

* Freddie states that the character he plays is a fun game of "How much of this is Freddie’s real life, and how much of this is Glenn Close?” and that we'll never know.
* This is the first episode where the term “ass to ass” is used to describe a d8.