Big Brother 5/Week 6

- I was so prepared for Erin to leave, like I thought she was done with and I was sad and literally prepared this picture to post as a VL: https://i.imgur.com/nzTAr2x.png
- I fucking lied to GRANT and TRENT about my vote, thinking Erin would go and my vote could go unnoticed and now I look like a super shady bastard to both of them (it sucks bc I made progress with Grant and to have him be evicted this way was tragic) and now I have to deal with Trent being pissed and seeking revenge, I have no fucking idea why he didn't nominate me though, like that was S-H-O-C-K-I-N-G - does he NOT know that he was like 99.9% of a backdoor option for me last week? Did nobody tell him when he won "ALEX WAS GONNA BD YOU" or did he just not care? I don't fucking know but whatever it was, it worked for me?!
- This DE really made me realize how important Bryce was as a side-ally, he really gave me vibes that he cared about me still being there, gave me updates about the challenge and we talked about the vote after it happened (where he didn't hesitate to tell me how he voted) so I hope I get to keep Bryce as long as possible, until I have to get rid of him for strategic purposes that is jhagsdjlg
- I think I might be Hannah's closest person, she reveals a lot of strategy to me and it really sucks because I do love her, but I know I have a f2 with Alietta and I don't necessarily want to betray that, but also I'm gonna feel like shit, if eventually I have to choose between them, so hopefully, if anything, it happens at the end where I can just give the reason "You are a bigger strategic threat" sadgksg
- I'm kind of a wussy when it comes to personal feelings after making strategic decisions LMAO, I KNOW THEY ARE GOOD FOR MY GAME but I end up being kind of a little mess inside afterwards, because I just end up in a ball of self-sorrow and feeling bad and "oh my god I regret not telling them" and shit like that, but hey maybe it's a bit of a character development, because I used to lack that sense of empathy in games before kljksadg
Going forward, I have no idea what's right for me, do I win HOH, do I float for a week or two, I think I have a good record with most people, but at the same time, there's also some uncertainty with some people, I know Trent can't win HOH and I think after me lying to him kinda he would be pissed, but I do kinda want to repay him somewhat for keeping me safe and not just mindlessly get him out and be like "lol should've evicted me :)" (which really, he should've gotten rid of me) - Whether it's a vote or something in that area, I'm gonna try to help him out for at least this next round lol

I don't understand how I was comfortably thinking I could just throw the HOH after I backdoored Jake and Grant (a side-ally of mine) just left too, like I think I should've just went for it and gotten rid of Emma or Dom (not Trent bc I had promised him I would make up the lied vote to him somehow lol) and idk, I just feel fucking stupid, I can't honestly tell my alliance that I just flat out threw this competition, I can't tell ANYONE I flat out threw this competition and I just feel terrible honestly, like what the fuck crossed my mind?
I don't know what got to me to think, that I could just carelessly put my fate into someone else's hands this week, even though it's Bryce, it's still something that can severely mess up my game and make my road to finals a lot more dangerous, in the event that Bryce does do the expected of a mixture Hannah/Alietta/Erin
I really hope that I can somehow talk Bryce into nominating Emma or Domonique, I guess Dom is more likely of an option LMAO, but I realistically don't see that happening and now I feel dumb, why the fuck did I decide to be so stupid and careless oasdgjksdg

I'm fully convinced that Emma is NOT playing for herself but rather for Trent, because this is totally nominations that Trent would want to happen and her not even hesitating to nominate Erin once I used the veto on myself is just such a red flag too lmao, I genuinely genuinely want to finally take Trent out, he's actually so dangerous which is really unbelievable, cause most of the time his game talks seem so unreal (aka it comes off as some of the stuff he says is just fabricated) and he always just tries to tell you what you want to hear. It has been working for him up until now, it's just frustrating to think he could've been out the door, had I stuck to my gut and said that 103 isn't enough and tried once more LMAO but oh well, my fault...
Realizing that numbers were dwindling, I took it into my hands to message Natalie and try to have a little more of a gamey conversation, cause ya.. I do have a good relationship with her and throwing that to waste just because would be stupid, it's getting to the nitty gritty so every. number. is. important.
From what I gathered, she's being left out of that Bryce/Trent/Emma trio and they are not giving her information so I'm like omasdgiosdt that's perfect, because she's more likely to sway in my direction in the future and be a big part in helping me get them out (at least Trent for the start, because I have that little crumb of faith, that I'm still safe with Bryce for a little bit, but JUUUST a little bit, once Trent is gone then I have to focus on getting the threats out and he will be one of them so sajdgk)
Hannah is probably going home, it's really fucking unfortunate because I adore that girl so much and she's put so much work into this game for herself and her alliance and I think even though she's getting 9th she would've deserved to go at least a little further, like F6 or so, but this game isn't always fair asdglkjsg, I feel really guilty cause she is essentially going home due to my dumbass not going for the HOH - This ALL could have been avoided if I had just submitted my 428, but now we're stuck with this :)
Hopefully I can somehow recover from this, me or an ally win HOH next week and we can finally get a big fish out that is in our way...