Episode 64: Urkel Based Morality

**Video:**
1:00:43

**Video:**
2021-09-20 15-36-57.mp4

https://globehell.libsyn.com/

## Episode Summary

Kids these days watch youtube and TikTok today, how are they supposed to form a coherent moral philosophy that will act as their ethical compass? All they know is to invest stocks and smile to attract. Remember TGIF on ABC? Do you think we could learn something from the past?

## Idea Details

* Idea: Urkel Based Morality, World Wide Program
* Creator of idea: Drew
* Purpose of idea: You know what, Josiah? There's so many of these guys. Uh these self-help gurus, these self-made self-help gurus uh giving advice uh on YouTube, on Twitch, whatever, on Twitter, whatever, it doesn't matter what medium they use. Online. Just talking nonsense, uh and I ask myself why. What - what's - why are young people going on YouTube and looking at these weirdos? Josiah, young people do not have a moral compass being ingrained in them at a young age. And I - (Josiah: "Well you don't need that anymore!") You absolutely do! You absolutely do! (Josiah: "You just use Google Maps to know what direction you're going.") No, you abs- I'm not talking about a literal compass, Josiah, I'm talking about knowing right from wrong. I'm talking right from wrong, good and bad. (Josiah: "Stage left. OK, so you're proposing some sort of -") People don't know what to do so they go on YouTube and these guys, these weirdos, these - this - they give advice and they don't - (Josiah: "I'm gonna go ahe- I'm gonna - I - I - I - I just wanna c- I just wanna just -") Can I finish my point?? Can I finish my point? Not all of these people have your best interests in mind. And I ask myself where I learned right from wrong, good and bad. I didn't look up on - (Josiah: "Porno.") No. I did not look up on YouTube, I did not go to Google. I waited until Friday night, Josiah, and a little thing called *T.G.I.F.*. Do you remember that? Thank God It's Friday. Of course, people still say it. But - (Josiah: "It's a restaurant!") No. I'm talking about the ABC lineup, *T.G.I.F.*, Thank God It's Friday, ABC, Friday nights. (Josiah: "I've never seen this before. Is this a cartoon?") This is what I was raised on, Josiah. The television. Friday nights, and also, during reruns - (Josiah: "So this is how you spent your Friday nights up into -") But all of these shows - these shows were family-friendly, they were funny, and they also always had a message and a moral compass. A moral heart to the story. (Josiah: "OK.") And there's so many shows. (Josiah: "And lemme guess, because they were so morally pure, they didn't have a commercial break? There was - they weren't trying to sell anything to you? Or hawk their -") No, of course there were commercial breaks! Of course there were commercial breaks. (Josiah: "Well how does that make it untainted? How does that make it leftist?") Well, listen. Let me explain this stuff to you, Josiah. So this is a show, *Teen Angel*. (Josiah: "I don't wanna know what you Googled to find that.") Now, watch this. There's - see, this show - even though it's - the message in this is simple, it's a good message. And these are the kinds of things that kids should be learning. (Josiah: "So what's the -") Just pay attention! (Josiah: "Are we watching the full episode or -") We're not gonna watch the full episode. Just pay attention. Do you get it? So, there you go! A very simple message, but a message none the same. And when they're - (Josiah: "So are you saying that this uh - this show *Teen Angel* about a boy who eats an old burger and goes to heaven is the basis of your own uh theology?") No! No, but this is part of *T.G.I.F.*, and it's shows that there's, you know, you talk about televion and it's all violence and movies and sex on TV. Um - (Josiah: "Right. 'Where are those good old -' ") 'Fashioned values.' But there are good old fashioned values in shows like *Teen Angel*. Uh and there's good old fashioned values in uh what I think is one of the best shows: *Family Matters*. (Josiah: "*Family Guy*!") No. (Josiah: "Oh.") *Family Matters*, from *T.G.I.F.*. (Josiah: "Right now it just feels like maybe you just wanted to watch TV with me this afternoon.") That's not - that's not true, Josiah, that's not true! There is a true lesson and that is... [unintelligible] - (Josiah: "What's up?") There is a true lesson, Josiah. There's a true lesson involved, OK? It's the fact that...... we need to pay attention to shows like *Family Matter*, we need to pay attention to *T.G.I.F.*, and we need to replicate those kind of shows; maybe we even do a *Family Matters* reboot or a *Family Matters* um - like a reunion. Because we need that morality. See, don't you think uh everything would be a lot better if Urkel were, like, the major leader of a country? Because he wouldn't act out of malice! (Josiah: "Drew, if you could explain to me what the point is that you're trying to get at in maybe three words -") Well just keep - just pay attention! (Josiah: "In maybe three words, if you could explain what the point is.") Just pay attention! Urkel Based Morality.
* Timetable: No timetable was given for Urkel Based Morality or World Wide Program, but they will likely be enacted immediately.
* Idea details:
	+ Young people do not have a moral compass being ingrained in them at a young age.
	+ ABC's former Friday night lineup, *T.G.I.F.*, will provide this morality with shows like *Teen Angel* and primarily *Family Matters*.
	+ We need a more Urkel Based Morality instilled into the children and everybody, even adults.
	+ When there's violence and mayhem, we need to be more like Urkel where we don't even notice it.
	+ Urkel was the first person represented on television who got into the friend zone and then get out of it.
	+ There will be some gray areas in Urkel Based Morality, as it relates to incest.
	+ There will be a World Wide Program, which is a *Family Matters* program, where parents will opt in to the program. For four hours every day, the family agrees to watch *Family Matters*. If they don't, the entire family will be shot dead. This will show the seriousness of the situation and will help to instill the good values in the children and in the parents as well.
		- Note: It is unclear how World Wide Program would work with the elimination of all other forms of media implemented in Episode 31: Mandatory Warhol. This has not yet been clarified.
	+ In the event of murder under Urkel Based Morality, they will catch the person and they will be sent to a court where they are judged, not by a jury, but rather by a single person who is a *Family Matters* scholar and knows *Family Matters* and Urkel inside and out. They will ask themselves, 'If Urkel were in the exact same situation, would he do it?'. Urkel would probably kill somebody to protect the love of his life, Laura, if it was his only choice. In the event of things like will or land or zoning disputes, the same question would arise of 'What would Urkel do in this situation?'. These *Family Matters* scholars will be putting on their metaphorical Urkel glasses and trying to look at the world through the eyes of Urkel.
	+ Josiah will not be a *Family Matters* scholar.
	+ Urkel Based Morality is essentially enforced Christianity.

## Devil Play

* Josiah deemed that it would be literally impossible to play devil to something so pure as Urkel Based Morality, once he realized it was simply enforced Urkel Christianity.

## Notable Events

* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "The Power Of Mystery | Being Mysterious" about how revealing your intentions straight ahead, in any situation, can do more damage than you think.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "8 Ways to Be MORE Mysterious" about Junaid Minshad from Meninfluencer identifying 8 Ways to Be MORE Mysterious!
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "The Art Of Being Mysterious" about how you can master the art of being mysterious so women feel more attraction, curiosity and interest in you.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "ABC - "TGIF" - September 21, 1990 - Openings - Theme Song Credits".
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "ABC TGIF Thank God It's Friday Segment with Jay Mohr 1992".
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "1990s 1992 ABC T.G.I.F Opening Theme".
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "Teen Angel - Episode One - Marty Buys The Farm (1997-1998)" about how Marty dies after eating a 6 month old burger under Steve's bed.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "Family Matters - Do The Urkel (Season 2 Ep. 18)" about a clip from the episode "Life of The Party".
* Josiah and Drew briefly watched a video called "Drunk Urkel".
* Josiah and Drew briefly watched a video called "Family Matters- Steve officially moves in with the Winslow's & is welcomed with open arms😉 S.7 EP.1" about how Steve officially moves in the Winslow 🏠 and is sum what welcomed with open arms.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "Family Matters- Steve saves the life of one of the guys that bullies him. S.6 EP. 13" about how Steve saves the life of a guy that used to bully him. Josiah suggested that Drew's idea this week should be a channel with the narrator of this video on top of every TV show, which would be called World Wide Commentary Track.
	+ Note: It is unclear how Josiah's suggested idea, World Wide Commentary Track, would work with the elimination of all other forms of media implemented in Episode 31: Mandatory Warhol, unless the narration he described would be part of that network. However, the narrator would have to be changed every 15 minutes, even in that scenario. This has not yet been clarified.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "Waldo Faldo Best Of Season 6:Family Matters" about how someone used to love this show and Waldo made them laugh.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "Family Matters-Laura & Steve share a very romantic & loving life changing moment at their Prom.😍" about how Steve and Laura share a romantic moment at their senior Prom that will eventually change things for ever between them.
* Josiah and Drew looked at one of the most famous protestor images of all time, which showed a boy and girl kissing in the midst of a riot.
* World Wide Program, which is a *Family Matters* program, where parents will opt in to the program. For four hours every day, the family agrees to watch *Family Matters*. If they don't, the entire family will be shot dead. This will show the seriousness of the situation and will help to instill the good values in the children and in the parents as well.
	+ Note: It is unclear how Drew's suggested idea, World Wide Program, would work with the elimination of all other forms of media implemented in Episode 31: Mandatory Warhol. This has not yet been clarified.
* Josiah and Drew watched a video called "Family Matters – Choir Trouble clip3" about how Urkel is a born again Christian.

## Notable Quotes

### Josiah

* "Globe Hell Warning uh it's guillo-time! Today."
* [On the topic of listeners knowing too much about Josiah and Drew] "There's an old saying: 'Why buy the milk uh when you don't have a cow, man.' Or something."
* "You can't get canceled if you're mysterious."
* "Or maybe I mean the spine of the man! Maybe I don't judge a book by the cover or the open, but by his spine!"
* "So let's keep our bad boy vibe this week."
* [In response to Drew saying a self-help guru living in a furniture store doesn't have your best interests in mind] "Well this furniture warehouse does have my best interest rate."
* [In response to Drew showing him a clip from the TV show *Teen Angel*] "I don't wanna know what you Googled to find that."
* "Are we watching the full episode or -"
* "So are you saying that this uh - this show *Teen Angel* about a boy who eats an old burger and goes to heaven is the basis of your own uh theology?"
* [On the topic of Urkel] "I'm not surprised you identify with him. He's a freakin' nerd!"
* [On the topic of Urkel] "He's quite a bully, actually."
* [On the topic of Urkel showing up at a party] "I think they were just having a nice time with friends and then this four-eyed nerd came in and started criticizing! It's really sounding familiar to me!"
* "Right now it just feels like maybe you just wanted to watch TV with me this afternoon."
* "Drew, if you could explain to me what the point is that you're trying to get at in maybe three words - in maybe three words, if you could explain what the point is."
* "Have you ever had a swirlie, Drew? (Drew: 'No.') Well I'll be in Calgary soon."
* "Now, this is a bit off topic, but I feel like they should update the *Family Guy* song to mention also that there's COVID-19."
* "And, you know, people get really offended by the concept of the friend zone and say that it shouldn't - that it's - the friend zone as a concept is offensive, and I think that the people who say that are probably people who are in the friend zone, and I agree, it is offensive to be - to be friend zoned by someone is offensive."
* "Now, I love when people talk about The Cool Zone of history, that is so - I mean, that's kind of a different topic for a different day, but that's one of the coolest."
* [On the topic of Urkel] "I mean, he *is*, like, I mean, I understand you like him, but he is a fucking nerd! I mean, he is just an absolute *dork* of a nerd!"
* "So you're saying your Urkel Based Morality is kind of a pro-incest stance."
* "So, real quick, I mean, you've eaten up most of your episode making us watch clips of *Family Matters*. And that's not a criticism."
* "They took away prayer in school. School is not about morality, it's about f- uh, you know, the quote-unquote facts!"
* [On the topic of *Family Matters* scholars putting on their metaphorical Urkel glasses to see the world through Urkel's eyes in settling criminal and civil disputes] "So we have to start wearing fucking nerd glasses?"
* "Yeah, if you implement this shit, I'm moving to a different planet."
* "So basically you're describing enforced Christianity. Uh which is surprising from you, but um -"
* [In response to Drew's question about whether he wanted to play devil] "No, I think I c- it's literally impossible to play devil to something so pure, so um I think we should do it! I think, uh, you know, enforced Urkel Christianity is a wise move and I think it's gonna solve a lot of problems. And I, you know what? I will put on the nerd glasses and talk like a fuckin' dweeb."

### Drew

* "It's guillo-time, ladies uhh a- w- everyone. Umm... It's guillo-time!"
* "Be sure to drink your Guillo-tine!"
* "Can I just - can I just - can I just ask something? Like, it's almost ki- it's kind of unrelated, but, as you know, a lot of the - we kind of do, like, the intro where we have - and then we do sort of a section where we watch these videos, or we do a breathing exercise, and then we get into the main - right, and then we get into the main idea of the episode. My question is: is this gonna be important to the main episode, or can I zone out?"
* "Imagine there's a book, Josiah. This is a philosophical question, OK? You go into the bookstore, there's a book, OK? On the cover of it - I'm going to tell you. On the cover of it, there's a terrifying face - don't say it's mine. It's terrifying and it's ugly. It's so ugly, it's the ugliest face you've ever seen, and as soon as you look at it, you start to puke. Now - no! Exactly, now you think - you look at your puke and you think, 'Boy, that was really childish. I bet that book is not that gross.' Then you go and you open up the book, but there's nothing inside of it. You can't read it, it's looks like it's gibberish. So you can only judge the book by its cover, which made you puke. Now, are you going to buy that book?"
* "I never get upset."
* "So, I mean, it's the double-edged sword, right? If you're - you wanna be mysterious but being mysterious draws attention. But if you're on your bad boy vibe, if you stick to your bad boy vibe, you're gonna be on the low."
* "I feel like I'm always on the low! With my bad boy vibe."
* "Josiah, young people do not have a moral compass being ingrained in them at a young age."
* "Can I finish my point?? Can I finish my point?"
* "Just pay attention! We're not gonna watch the full episode. Just pay attention."
* "Do you get it? So, there you go! A very simple message, but a message none the same."
* "No, but this is part of *T.G.I.F.*, and it's shows that there's, you know, you talk about televion and it's all violence and movies and sex on TV."
* [In response to Josiah saying 'Where are those good old -'] " 'Fashioned values.' But there are good old fashioned values in shows like *Teen Angel*. Uh and there's good old fashioned values in uh what I think is one of the best shows: *Family Matters*."
* "Urkel went off."
* "See, don't you think uh everything would be a lot better if Urkel were, like, the major leader of a country? Because he wouldn't act out of malice!"
* "Well just keep - just pay attention! Just pay attention! Urkel Based Morality."
* "I think anybody who's watched the show from start to finish realizes that Laura had strong feelings for Steve, pretty much from the start. I think that's the reason why when Steve got with Myra, uh that wa- relationship was such a big problem for Laura."
* "We need a more Urkel Based Morality instilled into the children, into everybody, even adults. Josiah, when I grow - when I was growin' up, uh *Family Matters* was on, uh both as *T.G.I.F.* and in syndication, and it would be on um probably - I think they would show, like, three or four episodes in a row, and I would watch them daily. I'd watch every single episode and I'd love Urkel so much. And I learned so much from Urkel."
* "So, look - think about how the world is going crazy, there's violence, COVID-19, the stock market is crashing."
* "Is the Jack Off Zone offensive? Is The Cool Zone offensive? Is the Danger Zone offensive? These are all different zones that we have."
* "I live in The Cool Zone."
* "Yeah, was Albert Einstein a 'nerd'? Albert Einstein was the biggest geek around but you'd still be proud if you sucked his dick."
* "Well that's the thing: in the midst of a riot, be Urkel and Laura kissing!"
* "It is kinda - well it is - it's not *technically* incest."
* [On the topic of incest] "Look, there's gonna be some gray areas, OK?"
* "Well shut the fuck up, J- I'm trying to get through my point, OK? You're trying to get through my point, you haven't given me a lot of time. Josiah, you took up a - half the episode up with this mysterious guy stuff, now I'm trying to get through my episode, so please don't rush me. With COVID-19, why don't kids, instead of going to school every day, they could just stay at home and binge-watch um *Family Matters* on repeat. And then their parents can teach them um whatever else they need to learn."
* "Look, I don't think it's beyond the pale to develop uh secular Urkelism."
* [In response to Josiah saying he thinks he ultimately will decide to put on the nerd glasses and talk like a 'fuckin dweeb' under Urkel Based Morality after all] "You started about uh an hour ago. Stupid."