The Sarcastic Secret

The Sarcastic Secret is the eleventh chapter in the Wombles Seven.

Charlie & Gambit were currently on a date, eating dessert, in what used to be Steed and Tara’s favourite place for dinners when they were partnered as spies. “Why haven’t we done anything for ages?” asked Charlie. Gambit was just about to reply, when a woman carrying a rather large candlestick came in. It was Katrina.

“Why are you carrying a ridiculous candlestick?” asked Charlie. Katrina smiled a twisted smile and said, “It’s a weapon, I was inspired by Cluedo. Do you like it?”

Charlie, Gambit and everybody else in the restaurant gave Katrina a really super-confused look. Gambit asked, “Well, who did you intend to use it on?” Katrina replied, “All of you!” and then knocked all the customers out with it.

Now she was confused. “Huh? But…*I* didn’t do that.” She commented, looking around at them all.

A few hours later….

“Can we do something now?” asked Charlie, having just woken up. Gambit groaned and asked, “Like what? I feel like I just got run over by ten cars!”

“Oh, come on, it was just a candlestick.”

“Actually, it was a giant candlestick.”

“Don’t be so pernickety. Besides, I meant that since my mother just came and knocked everyone out including ourselves out, that must mean we can do something, because we have a perfectly good excuse to be the ones who go after her!”

“…Oh.” Said Gambit, who really didn’t feel like chasing a maniac with deadly candlestick for the sake of having some excitement.  Charlie, on the other hand, had already gotten out the door and was yelling back at him, “Well, come on then, let’s chase her!”

Gambit just sighed and reluctantly followed.

Meanwhile Bungo felt like he was going to fall “foreeeveeeer” as he shouted it. James Bond was rather calmer. Bond was manicuring his nails, brushing his hair adjusting his dinner jacket, sharpening his knife before replacing it in the scabbard under his sock, brushing his teeth, straightening his tie, cleaning his shoes, cleaning his gun, and finally releasing the gurney completely so it fell away from him.

Bungo was still shouting.  “I aam going to fall foreeeeveeer!”  But he wasn’t going to.  Just then he landed in a skip.  Not long after that an empty gurney hit him on the head.  Bungo was knocked out when Bond landed cat-like on the gurney wondering where Bungo had gotten to.  Bond started sneaking off to find out where he was.  He didn’t get far before a lanky looking demon grabbed him by the neck.

The demon had two thin but razor sharp horns and wore a t-shirt saying “they all will die, no womble will survive”.  Bond saw red in more ways than one.  The demon was red, the t-shirt had red writing and he was angry.  He had come to like wombles and hated everyday folk leaving things behind.  Here it was like a rubbish tip and the demon wanted to kill wombles.  It was then the something occurred to Bond.  He was being held by a demon.  “Excuse me” he asked the demon.  “Am I in”  The demon cut him off mid question.  “Hell?” said the demon.  “Well hell yes!” he added with a wry smile.

There was something familiar about the voice.  Bond thought hard and remembered.  “You sound a lot like” he started but the demon cut him off again. “Frank Skinner?  That would be because I am Frank Skinner!” the demon said with glee.  “Actually my name is Mordax but it wouldn’t do to let people know I am demon now would it?”

Bond thought some more and realised something else.  “Is Room 101” he started but Mordax cut him off for the third time. “Hell?  Hell yes it is! And now it is time to die!” shouted Mordax manically. “Can’t I die another day?” asked Bond. “No!” shouted Mordax.  “This is no time to die!” said Bond.  “It is for you” replied Mordax “My motto is live and let die, let you die!”.

“And what is your plan if I do?” asked Bond.  “First the wombles, next the world” Mordax started to reply but Bond cut him off.  “There’s more?  The world is not enough?” he asked.  “No!” shouted Mordax calmly “It is not!  I also intend to rule hell!”

Just then Bungo woke up and started calling out for somebody to help him. That was a mistake.  Mordax knocked out Bond and shoved him onto Bungo then wheeled them both off to their own personal nightmares.

Up above Audrey had dragged Harry into a café opposite New Steed Manor. The café was called Josh’s Gnosh. Audrey was about to order for both of them when Harry woke up.  “Ahargh! Audrey where do we be?” he asked. “Josh’s Gnosh, I was just about to order us some drinks” she replied.  “Two good strong rums!” shouted Harry rather too loudly.  It didn’t bother the man at the café though.

It was the owner Josh but he looked and sounded quite a lot like Steed. “Certainly, two bottles of rum coming up!” said Josh.  “Don’t ye be forgetting the yo-ho-ho’s!” shouted Harry after him.  Josh brought them the rum and shouted yo-ho-ho twice. Audrey was getting used to being a pirate now.  She found an eye patch somebody had left at the table.  It said CG on the back.  Audrey shrugged put it on and shouted “ahargh my hearties!” very loudly.  As it turned out the whole café was full of pirates. “Ahargh!” they all shouted back.

Josh called his brothers on Facetime.  They were called Jack and James.  All three were created by an evil organisation to look and sound like Steed. They were still evil but their brother Joe who was no longer evil and had become Steed’s brother.  Joe had a café called Eat at Joe’s.  Jack was running Jack’s Snacks.  James had aimed a bit higher.  He ran Fame at James.  All his customers were rich or else they couldn’t afford to eat there.

Not far away at Cadmus Ron Weasley remembered his Deluminator.  He had hidden it in his sock when he was captured by Lillian Luthor.  The Deluminator revealed the 8 x 8 black walled cell.  Something glinted in the corner.  He looked closer it was a key!  It fitted the lock.  Ron was cautious as he edged out.  It felt a lot like a trap!  It wasn’t as it turned out.  Just stupidity.

Ron reached the next cell along.  He looked in a saw a grumpy old man with a pipe.  The man was wearing an old fashion brown suit.  “Hello I’m Ron Weasley” Ron said to the man.  “M” said the man.  “Mm” replied Ron.  “M not mm you idiot!  And where is 007?” asked the man.  “After 006 and before 008 I guess” replied Ron whilst opening the cell.  The man came out and punched him.  “Ow!” exclaimed Ron.  “Why did you do that?”  “Come on!” replied the man, who was Jame’s Bond’s ex-chief M.  Bond was now in the Avengers or NAMI, or maybe both.

Constantine and Harry (Potter) magically appeared back at John’s Tearooms in Soton. They did this just as David Vincent arrived in his recharging suit.