Captain Novolin

**Captain Novolin** is a game originally released on the NES in 1992. It claims to be educational in nature, promising to inform people on diabetes management and the benefits of Novorapid Insulin. This is complete bollocks.
 Not once has a high sugar content food item attempted to attack, trip up, or mount an aerial assault on Scruby, nor has consuming fruit ever helped him with anything.
 The game is an ill-informed piece of garbage that doesn't even work very well as a game.
But this is to be expected. Upon further inspection, it becomes clear that the game never was intended to be an enjoyable gaming experience for Nintendo gamers, but an inside job designed to sabotage SEGA in a court case established as part of Nintendo's epic prank to destroy the sales figures of their competitor companies.

## **The Conspiracy**

In 1994, both SEGA and Nintendo approached a US Senate committee to rise up and whinge about government interference with the sales and marketing of video games. Through negotiation the ESA and ESRB rating systems were developed as part of a compromise to allow epic gamers to freely purchase games.

But Nintendo are a bunch of sly, underhanded, backstabbing, spineless, selfish, arrogant, ignorant, corporate goons who above all else want nothing more than to see the hard work of their competitors burn to the ground like a Ficko being melted away on an electric heater, facing punishment for all the crimes Razvii deems him guilty of.

Prior to the hearing, Nintendo prepared an extensive library of "educational" shite, and throughout the hearing they bolstered this with great pride. They claimed SEGA were a bunch of child eating, blood crazed hooligans because they made Street Fighter and that has gore in it so it must be the works of Satan. One such piece of "educational" landfill Nintendo had prepared was **Captain Novolin**, developed by the degenerates at Raya Systems.

Despite being a heap of trash hardly worth playing, some test was done and allegedly it was proven that the "game" and by extension its creators, were *“the first company to show in randomized controlled clinical trials that our approach could change health behaviour and outcomes,”*

However the nature of these changes is never fully disclosed in this statement. Having performed their own tests with a sample size of 1, using Scruby as a blind subject, the Technicians have concluded that this change can only be negative in nature, as the game is so infuriatingly terrible that it is entirely probable for a diabetic to deliberately overdose on Insulin and keel over dead within a 24 hour window following exposure to the game. Having actually played this game reduces the window to just 13.98345 hours and makes prevention far less possible. It was noted that a sample size of 1 gave inherently limited results and might not reflect on the majority of outcomes, but anyone with eyes can quite easily believe that nothing good can come of the "game" at the very least.

## "Gameplay"

The player 'controls' a pixelated shithead wannabe Bibleman named "Captain Novolin". His name is an extremely unsubtle attempt at subliminal marketing to convince the player to buy and use NoVo Rapid insulin. Don't use it, it smells bad.

As the player 'controls' the character, they need to collect fruit and *healthy snacks* as well as Insulin cartridges to bring their blood sugar level up or down so that it stays in the correct zone. The game gives no way to monitor blood sugar levels as you play the level. Not only is this deeply frustrating, but the lack of attention to detail here completely breaks immersion and ruins the experience entirely. Even before continuous glucose meters, finger-prick blood tests could be done for diabetics to quickly and easily check their glucose levels.

Alas, the only pricks you get in the game are the candy themed enemies that attack you in the most BS ways possible. In addition to some enemies taking up excessive screen space in a way that is near impossible to avoid, the player jump has forced delay so that after pressing the jump button the character will stand COMPLETELY STILL for multiple frames.