Professor Proxy's Wild Ride

**Professor Proxy's Wild Ride**, also known as the **Time Travel Campaign**, is the ninth campaign held by the members of Flafa. It is the third campaign DM'ed by Chris-tian Mothman. It featured FennekinGalaxy as Sir Gerard/Sentinel, Kaiju as Ophelia, The Nerd, Liquid Chris and Driving Guy, C.D as Evan, RottenDoll as Sock, Grey as Moveh Dramen, Inkunn as Nacho, and Deeto as Kander Jr.. The campaign is unique in that it follows a more anthological structure in its content. It began on June 20th, 2023 and ended on August 1st, 2023.

## Storyline

### Session 1: In And Out of the Quantum Fridge (6/20/2023)

Starting Characters: Sir Gerard, Ophelia and Baphomini, Moveh Dramen, Kander Jr., Nacho

Sir Gerard was minding his business when a school bus flew through the air through a rift in the sky. A mysterious man came out and grabbed him in a hurry, saying he’d explain later. While on the bus, Sir Gerard witnessed the man go to modern-day Nevada to find a jackrabbit, a simulation to find a humanoid bee, and Mexico at an indeterminate time period to find a wizard, claiming that all of them will work just fine. He then took his captives to the Salem witch trials to claim a witchy woman and her miniature goat, firing several lasers in the process. With his crew assembled, made of Gerard, Moveh, Kander Jr., Nacho, Ophelia and Baphomini, the man introduced himself as the handsome chap named Professor Proxy, and he tells them that he’s gathered them to do his errands for him. He introduces them to his school bus, which is much bigger on the inside, and he tells them that if they disobey or want to leave, they can leave into the time vortex, wherein they will be immediately incinerated and their ashes would be scattered throughout the timestream.

Proxy’s first errand involves traveling to the Blue Crab Cult to steal their project, and he tells them that they have funny hats that they shouldn’t worry about. Once Kander Jr. asks him if he has any tea and/or crumpets, Proxy replies with the notion that he has plenty within his Quantum Fridge. As the bus comes to a stop, Proxy kicks the party out, throwing some headsets down with them for them to use. They end up just outside of the Blue Crab Cult’s temple. Ophelia picks up one of the headsets and screams into it, asking Proxy who he is for a second time. The party is soon met by Raphael of the Blue Crab Cult, who invites them to come to their banquet. There is plenty of crab-themed food there, as well as a showcase of their god, the Crabhemoth. Ophelia talks to Baphomini for a brief moment before Moveh threatens to boil the Crabhemoth under his breath. Ophelia gives Baphomini some of the shellfish on offer, to which he is disgusted and hates it, claiming that he hates shellfish. This angers Raphael, and they have a brief argument before the two are calmed down by Ophelia and Kander Jr..

While on the tour of the temple, Ophelia and Nacho specifically wish to go to the nursery where the cult keeps their fetal sacrifices, explicitly for the purpose of harshly waking the babies. This upsets Gerard, and he tells them not to be cunts. They, of course, go anyway, and scream at the top of their lungs to awaken all of them. Raphael and Gerard both question why they had to do that. The party asks Proxy what their next move should be, only for him to tell them to shut up because he is playing Call of Duty 40,000 on his PS42. When Gerard asks about what Call of Duty 40,000 is, he is met with the response that he shall find out in a few thousand years. Overhearing their conversation with Proxy, Raphael grows suspicious of the party, and asks why they’d want to take away their god. Gerard uses one of his gauntlets to knock out Raphael, knocking his hat off and revealing that it is actually a crab.

The Crabhemoth soon appears with several cultists and the priest crab that was atop Raphael’s head. Ophelia weaponizes Baphomini’s lasers, and attacks some of the minions with it. Gerard fires a bolt of energy at the Crabhemoth, pissing it off, before Moveh leaped towards it and tore its eye out. As the party cleared the cultists, more came in just as quickly. The Crabhemoth ate one of the cultists, and Nacho soon stabbed the Crabhemoth’s other eye. Soon enough, the party is able to kill the Crabhemoth with the help of another laser blast from Baphomini, and Ophelia yells into the headset once again to alert Proxy of the mission’s completion. He takes them back onto the bus, Crabhemoth included, and has some of them sample it before he stores it in his Quantum Fridge alongside a collection of bottles of Mountain Dew. Ophelia asks what Mountain Dew is, and Proxy responds by saying she’d find out in a few hundred years.

Before going on their next errand, the party looks around the bus for a little while, with Kander Jr. finally finding the bathroom, allowing him to take the poop he had been holding in for several hours. Ophelia reached for a button on the bus that Proxy forbade her from pressing, the "Rickroll Button". Later, Proxy’s next objective for them is to get his totally-not-stolen Help! record by the Beatles signed by the Beatles themselves in the midst of their hayday. They intercept a concert and, thanks to Baphomini helping clear the crowd with his lasers, and the concert soon begins after George tells the band he’s HIGH ON SHROOMS. The fangirls soon appear and attempt to climb onto the stage, with Gerard taking his helmet off and showing off his luscious locks to distract them. Nacho lights part of the crowd on fire, and Kander Jr. Sparta kicks one of the fangirls off the stage, much to the dismay of the chivalrous Gerard. He dances with one of the fangirls, before Moveh comes in and drop-kicks her, snapping her neck immediately.

The Beatles progress onto their final song, before George reaffirms that he’s HIGH ON SHROOMS. Gerard joins in with the use of Kander Jr.’s bagpipes, being allowed to join in by the Beatles. He became the 5th Beatle for all of 5 minutes before Proxy got his album signed, and Proxy took them out, all the while George is still HIGH ON SHROOMS. Nacho soon attempts to break the newly-signed record, receiving a threat on all of the party’s lives by Proxy if he does that. Gerard questions why Nacho would threaten 5 lives for a record, and Proxy, in thinking that he was talking about him, tells him that it would be well worth it, especially killing him, referring to him by his despised nickname of “knight boy”. Gerard tells Proxy his right name, and he gets a reply that Proxy didn’t care, didn’t ask, and told him to cope, seethe and mald.

### Session 2: Breaking Regulations (6/27/2023)

Starting Characters: Sir Gerard, Moveh Dramen, Kander Jr., Nacho, Evan

Amid the turbulence in the time stream, Ophelia hit her head on the top of the bus, knocking her out. Realizing he needs another peon, Proxy traveled to the 1980s and picked up a young boy outside of some animatronic pizza establishment. Proxy then gives his army of slaves his newest order: Kill Julius Caesar, cause he’s a bitch. Moveh argues with Proxy for an extremely long time about how stupid that move would be before Proxy shuts him up and takes them to ancient Rome, particularly at the Colosseum. Caesar introduces the chariot race for the entertainment of the Coliseum-goers, promising the winner an unforgettable luncheon with him and his nobles. Kander Jr. and Moveh volunteer to enter in the race, while Sir Gerard, Evan and Nacho head towards the Curia Julia to go after Caesar himself.

In the race, Kander Jr. opts to drive and Moveh co-pilots, handling the opposition. An enemy chariot grabs a spear and throws it at Moveh, who catches it, grows, leaps back to that chariot, and impales the driver with it, before impaling the other rider of it with his sword, stabbing the front of the chariot and flipping it over, making a new hazard in the road. Moveh grabs the chariot and throws it at one of the ones behind him, but misses. He gets knocked off of the chariot he’s on, jumps out of the way of it and lands on the horse of another chariot, crushing it. He fights with the remaining drivers and the horses, playing tug-of-war with them and throwing them around, tying a rope around one of the driver’s necks, eventually pulling all the tied things together including the driver’s neck. He catches a whip out of the air and “clobbers those bitches” while Kander Jr. wins the race.

Meanwhile, in the Curia Julia, Nacho and Gerard find a squad of Legionaries with a Centurion at their center. Nacho and Gerard light a few of them on fire, and Gerard knocks the Centurion into one of the Legionaries. After a while, Moveh and Kander Jr. reunite with the trio, after which Moveh splits a Legionary in half, resulting in a prideful chuckle from Gerard before he slices another in half. Moveh soon leaps toward a Centurion, now in small size, and twists around him and snaps his neck.

Brutus soon appears in front of Caesar, trying to kill him, but then notices the anomalies in the room with him. He spares Caesar for the moment to attack the party, dispelling his disguise to reveal his true nature as an armored man from the future with a laser rifle. Proxy is shocked at the fact that Brutus is apparently with the “Time Feds”, and tells the party to deal with him, after which he’ll tell them later. The party fights Brutus, and Caesar gives them healing herbs. Brutus is eventually defeated, and Kander Jr. strangles Caesar to fulfill Proxy’s request, before Brutus starts hitting buttons on his watch. Moveh cracks the device and Brutus soon disappeared.

Proxy explains that he has had multiple encounters with the "time feds" previously, and that they are extremely dangerous. He points out that they will likely reappear, so the party must remain vigilant.

Proxy warned the party about the Time Feds being on their case about the anomalies, and tells them to be careful. He pitches his next errand, saying that it would be nice to have a butler around the bus. Nacho argues with Proxy about this notion, due to the lack of time the majority of the party gets to have on the bus. Proxy shuts Nacho up before taking them to the alien planet of Vathos, which felt like a solid cloud. The party’s attention was soon brought to the Vaughn showcase, where Friederich Vaughn was showing off his new creation, Merriweather. He tells Merriweather to say hello, after which the robot butler says “Hello, Merriweather”, to an uproarious laughing fit from the audience. The party was not amused. Gerard created an alarm to distract the audience before Nacho set some of them on fire. Vaughn puts on an apparatus to channel electricity and float through the air, creating a thunderstorm above him, repeatedly reassuring the audience that everything would be fine.

Moveh tries to lift Merriweather, still small, to no avail. Later, Kander Jr. throws Merriweather to Moveh, and he catches it, before Proxy reminds the party that Merriweather is a butler designed to take orders. Moveh tells Merriweather to charge out of there, which he begins doing while Moveh is on his back. Merriweather eventually gets called to leave before the party scrambles to get on the bus, Merriweather in tow. Moveh uses one of the Clockwork Knights as a footstool to get to the bus before Proxy departs.

### Session 3: Free Birds (7/4/2023)

Starting Characters: Sir Gerard, Kander Jr., Nacho, Evan

Without hesitation, Nacho immediately went searching in Proxy’s Quantum Fridge for the Grimace Shake that was allegedly held deep within. Kander Jr. soon went in when Nacho found it, threatening to fight him for it. Nacho IMMEDIATELY surrendered it, allowing Kander Jr. to drink it. Kander Jr. drank it, and his tummy got rumbly. Proxy saw this, and got audibly upset about Kander Jr. drinking it. Kander Jr. offers Proxy the leftovers of the shake that was still in his mouth, to Proxy’s disgust. Nacho claimed he wanted the leftovers, but did not actually take them, also disgusted. After this interaction, Proxy ushered everyone to the main room of the bus to give them their next job.

Proxy tells them that their next errand is going back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu. That’s right, they’re going back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu. They are tasked with doing this because Proxy thinks turkey is a bad option. He sends them to Plymouth and leaves them to their task.

Almost instantly, Kander Jr. steals one of the hats off of one of the pilgrims, revealing the giant divot in his head. Soon after, the pilgrims go after the Native Americans, claiming they want their land and demanding they move. Immediately after, Kander Jr. trips the main demanding pilgrim. After this, Nacho lights the grass on fire, and Sir Gerard assembles a spit-roast to cook a nearby squirrel on. The party was observed as supposedly being on the Natives’ side, so the pilgrims soon took up arms against them. Sir Gerard went on a quest for chickens, and in the meantime, a giant turkey, known collectively as the Turkinator, rose from the lake. Gerard soon came back with his chicken and squirrel, both cooked, and promoted them, only getting the squirrel to sell. Kander Jr. took control of the Turkinator, eventually eating the remaining pilgrims before taking it back to the lake, before the party decided to take it to the bus and put it inside, taming it as their pet, much to Proxy’s dismay. Merriweather takes the Turkinator to another part of the bus, and Kander Jr. felt his tummy rumbling again, and had a quick but painful spout of diarrhea.

### Session 4: Ghosts and Gobblin’s (7/11/2023)

Starting Characters: Sir Gerard, Kander Jr., Nacho, Evan, Sock, The Nerd

Noticing that Ophelia still hasn’t woken up, Proxy goes to find more people, setting his bus to RANDOM. He ends up in the Cretaceous period, picking up a velociraptor, and the mid-2000s to find an internet video game critic. Immediately upon entry, the critic exclaims “WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE?!”, to which he doesn’t get much response. Sock has a realistic depiction of a panic attack, for he is thrust into a new environment and speaking a language he does not understand. Proxy gives a device to Sock so he can understand and speak with his new compatriots. The Nerd asks Proxy if he has any alcohol, to which Proxy says no, but he will write that down. Instead, he gives the Nerd some Mountain Dew.

After this, Proxy gets thirsty, and introduces the next objective, going ghost hunting to make a fresh batch of Hi-C Ecto-Cooler. He states that it would be much more interesting to make the discontinued drink from the original recipe rather than going to get it before it was discontinued and stealing some. Kander Jr. and the Nerd soon ask Proxy various questions on how ghost rights violations could be violated in the production of it, suggesting maybe it’s ghost pee or ghost jizz, but Proxy shoots down all of their theories. After this, Sock raids the Quantum Fridge for cream cheese before the party goes on their next adventure.

Proxy takes the party to 1952 California to inspect the Whaley household, supposedly haunted by the former family members that lived there and another. He gives the party some equipment, namely an EMF reader for Sock, a spirit phone for Evan, some smudge sticks for Gerard, some salt for Nacho, and a crucifix for Kander Jr.. They knock on the door to meet an old woman named Corinne, and upon asking whether or not they were here to hunt the ghosts, the Nerd immediately makes a ruse, saying they’re there to take all of her alcohol. She declines, as she does not have any, but upon Sock asking about cream cheese, she does have some of that. Corinne somehow didn’t notice Sock was a dinosaur due to her bad eyesight, so the Nerd gave her his glasses, double-layering them, somehow making her vision worse. He asks her if she has any video games, to which she questions what a video game is. He YELLS in frustration, questioning how she doesn’t know what an SNES is, despite it not being thought of for another 30 years. Gerard tries to calm him, saying that they must be in a time before that, for he doesn’t know about them either. The party first goes into the kitchen looking for ghosts, instead taking this time to raid the fridge and the pantry. Sock raids the cream cheese supply, while Nerd takes the gallon of milk inside and immediately chugs all of it. Sock steals the meat from the fridge, before Nacho and Kander conspire to set the old lady ablaze. Nerd looks away in disgust, and Gerard tries to steal Nacho’s wand. This fails, and Corinne was immolated, burning to a crisp. Sock ate her remains, before the Nerd returns to the pantry to eat all of her Twinkies.

The party heads upstairs to look in the bedrooms, and without hesitation, the Nerd spots the master bedroom’s lavish bed, and wants to defecate on it. Before he does this, the spirit phone rings, and Evan answers. He receives a call from the ghost of Thomas Whaley, the father of the house, telling him not to. Evan hears the man on the line, thinks he’s cringe, and encourages the Nerd to do it anyway. He squeezes it out, and Gerard looks at him in disgust. Thomas Whaley manifests himself before being scared away by Kander Jr.’s crucifix. Sock attempts to poop in the bathtub, causing Anna Whaley, the mother of the house, to manifest after the spirit phone rings a second time. Immediately, the Nerd asks if he can milk her, before Sock attempts to bite Anna, despite being intangible. After a short bit of convincing, Anna gives them the Ecto-Cooler recipe, consisting of several fruit-based ingredients and ectoplasm, being ghost tears. Without hesitation, every party member except for Gerard slung rapid insults at Anna trying to get her to cry, but this did not faze her. Sock soon goes into another room to pee on the bed of Thomas Jr., the baby of the house, causing him to manifest and cry after Kander Jr. peed on his wall. Seeing her baby upset made Anna cry as well, with the Nerd eagerly harvesting both of their ectoplasms.

The party soon heads to the garage, which was built atop the hanging place of a criminal by the name of Yankee Jim. After a brief while of talking, Sock outs Yankee Jim for supposedly having smegma, before Evan harasses him about this fact. The sheer amount of gaslighting about Yankee Jim’s smegma made him cry plenty of ectoplasm for the Nerd to collect. After this, Thomas locks all of the doors and windows, having returned to the house angrier than ever. He throws things around the house trying to kill them, before the spirit phone rings again, constantly. Sock picks up the phone this time, only hearing thousands of screams from an unknown location. Nacho lights the curtains on fire, soon engulfing a majority of the house. He now directs his attacks at Nacho, before Gerard gets in front of him and shields him with some of his magic. Thomas hates fire due to being burned plenty in his past, and gets angrier. Gerard attempts to taunt Thomas, saying he also had smegma, before Sock joins in, telling Thomas to prove that he doesn’t have smegma. The Nerd vomited up the milk and Twinkies from before at Thomas, causing him to cry, before the ceiling started to collapse. Gerard slashed at the door to allow the party to escape, after which Proxy made the Ecto-Cooler for everyone in the bus.

After everyone enjoys their Ecto-Cooler, he pitches his next idea thanks to the Nerd’s requests, going to the Roaring ‘20s to get some prohibited alcohol from the man himself, Al Capone. The party meets with Capone, and he offers them a job to kill a man by the name of Ike for some free booze. They go there, and with the help of the Nerd’s handy-dandy NES Zapper, they eventually kill Ike, and get the moonshine before leaving back to the bus. Proxy gives Nerd a bottle all to himself, which he attempts to chug the entirety of before not being able to finish, still getting absolutely plastered. Proxy asks Evan if he should be drinking it, to which he replies that his father doesn't care about him. The rest of the party samples some of it, before Sock steals a bottle and fills it with cream cheese, effectively making it his and his alone. The Nerd asks if Proxy has any video games on the bus, and upon being confirmed that he does possess them, goes off to play Super Mario Bros. 3.

Proxy decides that their next stop will be to visit his friend Killgore in Medieval Scotland. After a short while of traveling through the timestream, the party and Proxy hear a series of banging sounds, sirens blaring, and other sorts of commotion. When Proxy runs some diagnostics, he finds out that the bus’ Flux Capacitor had been stolen by… something. He tells the party to get atop the bus, due to a safety bubble placed around all of these types of buses in case of maintenance mid-jump, and asks them to deal with the problem. Moveh reawakens from his yearly hibernation and joins them, exiting through the bus roof to see a blinding light and a giant blue creature eating the back end of the bus. After a while of fighting the creature, they give the details to Proxy, after which he starts to panic. He tells them that it is a Chronovore, likely sent by the P.S.S., and that they feed on Flux Capacitors and time anomalies. They keep trying to fight off the beast, with Sock giving it multiple kisses before Proxy is able to bring the bus’ turrets online. The party is able to shake off the Chronovore, but not without the Flux Capacitor being stolen. Proxy has the party get back in the bus before they brace for impact, as an emergency crash landing is needed.

After they awoke, the party was in an unfamiliar environment in a likely unfamiliar time, but not to Proxy. He tells them that they crashed on Anima Vendide, and thankfully, there was a marketplace nearby selling a new Flux Capacitor, as well as a mine nearby containing the crystals needed to jump-start the bus.

After intense deliberation, the party decides to start with the market, where they witness an alien repeatedly saying "Clib Jubley" while making off with Walt Disney's severed head. Sock pounced on the alien, eating him alive and collecting the head for his own.

They return it to the head salesman before Sock holds the head hostage, holding it for a cream cheese ransom. They move further down to the stand with a mummy behind it, and he just so happens to be selling cream cheese amongst his wares. They give him the severed head in exchange for the cream cheese. After this, they travel to a tech salesman specializing in robots. They collect a few and get an off-brand OSMO droid, with Moveh being particularly interested in a receptacle glove. He barters good luck in exchange for the glove, asking the salesman to rub his rabbit foot for him, essentially getting 2 products for free.

Going back to the Flux Capacitor salesman, he asks for a severed head in exchange for the Capacitor. They have to get another one, with which they threaten to sever the head of the pumpkin-headed salesman selling the severed head, to which he offered the head of his dead cousin. When asked, he bolts, leaving the rest of the heads for the party to use.

Now owning what they need to get the Flux Capacitor, the party checked out the other booths, finding a banana enthusiast and a Plasmoid selling chocolate golems. Sock bites the Plasmoid, eating some of his mass before the booth got lit on fire by Nacho, melting the golems and spreading the fire to the Banana Man's booth. They return to the salesman with the Flux Capacitor, and he tries to give it to them before one of his Bags of Holding fell down and forced itself open, revealing the Bagman who took him into the Space Between Spaces.

The party soon gave chase, fighting him off over time. During the fight, Moveh and Sock played tug-of-war with the Bagman; Moveh grabbing his beard and Sock gnawing on his foot. Eventually the foot came off and the Bagman left. Moveh searches through the Bagman's pile of riches to find skeletal remains of someone from another time and perhaps another reality. Among the riches was a jewelry box with "Proxy + Marlene" engraved into it. They take the remains and the box with them out of the Space Between Spaces and, Flux Capacitor in tow, give Proxy their goodies.

After this, the party went into the mine, seemingly operated by reanimated human remains. The Nerd stealthily takes some of the crystals and one of the cybernetic pickaxes before the party returns to the bus, taking off once again to meet up with Killgore in Medieval Scotland as they intended.

### Session 5: It’s Bone-ing Time (7/18/2023)

Starting Characters: Kander Jr., Nacho, Sock, Liquid Chris

The party arrives in Scotland as planned, arriving just outside of Killgore’s castle, and Proxy decides to come with them due to Killgore’s aggressive nature. Killgore’s ghostly butler Withers answers the door. Liquid Chris tries to kick him in the nuts before missing horribly due to Withers being a ghost. Withers walks them through the halls of the castle, with the party seeing many undead creatures. Liquid Chris screams that he is the one and only Chris-Chan, before Proxy hushes him telling him that they traveled back in time, and that Chris-Chan will not exist for hundreds of years. As the party enters Killgore’s throne room, they see a shadowy figure with a gravelly deep voice, who asks Proxy what he’s doing here, before the figure emerges as a skinny skeleton. The figure coughs and reveals his real voice, that of a flamboyant gay man. Liquid freaks out at his gayness and decides to play his ribcage like a xylophone and looks into his eyeholes sensually. He invites Killgore to do a lap dance on him and ends up making out with him, becoming Killgore’s new boyfriend.

The party walks down to a neighboring town as Killgore explains that the walking stick the party is looking for was taken by his ex-boyfriend Trey in the breakup. The party notices the town is full of dead, dying, and sick people, and a monster shows up in the town, breathing green fog. A skinless, freakish distortion of a horse and his rider, the creature is chased by two knights, who, because the party chose not to intervene, died fighting it. The creature then turns to the party and attacks. The party fights the creature, with Liquid Chris trying to jump on its back, before throwing a knife directly into the beast’s throat. Kander Jr. dropkicks it, and the beast runs away, with Liquid Chris calling it a pussy.

The party follows Killgore into a forest full of Will-O-Wisps, and he forgets which to follow. Sock tries to rizz up Killgore, but fails miserably, before the latter is disassembled by Kander Jr., and his pelvis is given to Sock. Killgore’s head is thrown into one of the wisps’ pathways, before it ends up rolling back in through the other side. The party uses this strategy to repeatedly pathfind through the forest before ending up at Loch Ness. It is here that Liquid breaks up with Killgore, causing him to cry. Killgore, remembering that the mythical Nuckelavee cannot cross water, decides to cross the river with the help of none other than Nessie. Killgore summons Nessie, and Liquid Chris, the only one to not immediately climb Nessie, tries to drown Killgore before throwing his head like a skipping stone, to which his legs retrieve it. Kander Jr. disassembles him again, with Proxy picking up the pieces to make sure his friend doesn’t have to relocate his bones manually. Liquid Chris communicates with the trees to ask where to go, and they tell him to cross the river. This is what finally compels him to climb onto Nessie’s back, by swimming like a dolphin and doing a frontflip. As the party crosses, they see flickers of red in the forest, the Nuckelavee headed towards their same location.

As the party crosses the river and climbs the mountain to Trey’s house, Kander Jr. steals Killgore’s femur and uses it to bash in the window, seeing a gross sight. Trey is making out with the Nuckelavee. Killgore is livid. The party breaks in formally and Trey says he can explain, though Killgore is too pissed to want one. Killgore reforms, using his mace to replace his femur, and Sock and Liquid team up to have a threesome with the Nuckelavee, while Nacho blasts Trey with fire, melting him to the couch. As the house burns and Sock finishes with the Nuckelavee after five hours, it runs away. The party returns to Killgore’s castle, rejecting Killgore’s offer to come with him, and sail off on another adventure.

### Session 6: Saving Private Ryan (7/25/2023)

Starting Characters: Sir Gerard, Kander Jr., Nacho, Driving Guy

More timey-wimey turbulence causes Liquid Chris to bump his head on the roof of the bus, knocking himself out. Shortly after, Gerard reawakens, and Proxy, learning that the Nerd is still playing video games and not being helpful, decides to pick up Ryan Gosling off of the set of Drive to aid him in his quest. Proxy forbids Gosling, now under the alias "Driving Guy", from piloting the bus due to the potentially drastic consequences. Realizing Ophelia and Baphomini have been unconscious for an extended period of time leads Proxy to believe they died, and he thrusts them out of the bus back into their home time. While he's doing this, Nacho presses a random button, which happens to be the infamous Rickroll button. He promptly breaks the button at this realization, before Proxy interrupts with their next errand.

He takes the party to a desert town in Montana, sending them after a train carrying golden beetles. Before anything else, Kander Jr. steals the outfit off of a cowboy and Driving Guy steals the hat from another. They enter a saloon, the centerpiece being a table with two cowboys that no one dares approach. Driving Guy fearlessly approaches them, and in a shitty Western accent, challenges one of them, unknowingly being Jesse James himself, to a showdown. Driving Guy bets his cowboy hat for Jesse James' entire worth, which James obliges to due to Nacho burning his hat to cinders.

In the duel, Driving Guy wins effortlessly, before being presented with a large quantity of nickels for winning. He kills Jesse, which aggravates Frank to the degree that Kander Jr. has to kill Frank to save his friend's life. Driving Guy loots Frank's body before he and Kander Jr. steal Jesse and Frank's horses. Using these horses, they are able to catch up to the train, and everyone but Nacho is able to climb onto the train. Driving Guy uses his stealth skills to sneak-attack the guards, with Kander Jr. looting their bodies. Gerard, being unable to read modern English, successfully picks the right lever to stop the train. Nacho then catches up to the rest of the party before the next phase of the heist begins.

Driving Guy leaves to buy some dynamite, allowing Nacho to do the honors of lighting the fuse, blowing up the outside of the car they needed to get into. The party knocks out the guards and starts pilfering the loot. Gerard steals a lamp and holsters it, intending to use it as a blunt weapon later, before Kander Jr. steals some jewelry and another lamp and Driving Guy steals their shoes. Driving Guy wakes up and intimidates one of the remaining guards into giving him the code to the safe, allowing him to claim the beetles for Proxy's terrarium.

Shortly after, Proxy sends them on another mission, to claim the lost videogame Polybius. He sends them to an arcade where they find a short bearded man hogging the machine. He reveals himself to be Billy Mitchell, renowned Donkey Kong and Pac-Man player (and cheater) before Driving Guy beats him up to let him have a turn. When Driving Guy starts playing, his eyes begin to hurt before he passes out on the floor. After being referred to by Gerard, Proxy appears to address what happened. He notes that Ryan and Billy have brain viruses, and that they need to go into their brains to get Ryan out. He sends them in with a device, and notice the mindscape isn't fitting for Driving Guy, being far too video-gamey to make any sense to be his. This leads them to the realization that Ryan and Billy's mindscapes must have merged during the time they played the game.

Just then, a giant scary-looking yellow orb with a gaping maw chases after the party, leading them to hide in a side room that just so happened to have Ryan and Billy in there, but also aggressive counterparts to Donkey Kong and the Space Invaders. During this time, Billy and Ryan obtained a Donkey-Kong-themed hammer and a Galaga-themed rifle respectively. Gerard singlehandedly wiped out the first wave of Space Invaders, before Pac-Man appeared and gobbled up Driving Guy. Gerard restored Driving Guy’s balance and allowed him to land the final shot on DK to the nuts. The ground soon begins to shake as the voice of the Polybius machine calls out to them, saying this was the most annoying thing he’s had to deal with since he had someone tell him “fuck y'all guys, go eat a dick”. Soon a marble man of many hands appears before them amidst a web, and is soon promptly defeated. Proxy pulls everyone out of the machine before the machine is seized by the Men In Black. Proxy apologizes about putting Ryan’s life in danger, not knowing it would do that, and promised them he would take them on one last adventure before taking them home, going to a nice resort on the Ishimura One spacecraft.

On the Ishimura, the big attractions were a holographic Weezer show, the fountain of infinite mirror, and a McDonald’s playplace. Gerard enters the playplace and adeptly ascends it and plays within, while Nacho follows shortly after and gets lost, winding up with a sick child. Kander Jr. and Driving Guy dove glamorously into the ball pit, using these skills to rizz up the hot single women in their area. Nacho immolated the child that may or may not have gotten him sick before Driving Guy took his blonde bombshell into the bathroom and Kander Jr. took his bee girlfriend to the McDonald’s playplace to have sex, scarring all of the children present. Both bachelors got their girlfriends pregnant before the party left to see the Weezer show. Kander Jr. and Driving Guy both hit the griddy during the show, Driving Guy doing it perfectly.

Next, the party traveled to the fountain of infinite mirror, which could show them their futures if they looked within. Kander Jr. saw a future of marriage and parenthood, one of death in a weird village, and one of bright lights and a tall woman. Nacho sees a future of joining Heisenberg’s crew in New Mexico and one of a bright city. Driving guy sees two futures of marriage and parenthood, one ending happily, the other in a rough divorce, as well as a future with Brutus, and a future with Barbie Ken and Oppenheimer. Reluctantly, Gerard looks into the mirror, seeing a future of great sex, a future of his hometown, and a future of what looked to be a dentist’s office of some kind. The party soon went to bed for the night.

After they went to bed, someone broke into Driving Guy’s room, finding people inside, waking Driving Guy and his girlfriend up. He evacuated them and the remainder of the party, with Driving Guy and his girlfriend still naked. A civilian on the ship got cleaved in two before the crew that evacuated the party introduced themselves as John "Skunk” Jones, Braxton Clarke, Balgar Balgar, Alice Howard, and Dondo. Skunk sends Alice to get the romantics some new clothes, returning shortly after. The party and the crew need to travel to the engine room to restart it to enable the escape pods, being met with two hallways. Kander Jr. chucks his lamp down one of them, hearing it shatter in the distance but no other responses. Deeming it safe, the party and the crew head down it, only to be met by… themselves.

Something was not right. Gerard slowly reaches out to touch the mirrors of themselves, before the figures all start to shift and screech, transforming into their true forms as doppelgangers. Dondo soon turns also, transforming into a much larger one. Midway during the fight with the Dondoganger, it transforms into Nacho, gaining his abilities. One of the minor doppelgangers starts biting Balgar, trying to eat him, before the Dondoganger transforms into Kander Jr., also gaining his abilities. Shortly after, the Dondoganger flees and Balgar is saved by the party. The ship’s AI, M1, notifies Braxton that there is an engine blockage, and directs them to the engine room. Inside, they find a giant doppelganger that seems to be trying to eat the engine. Braxton goes to try and force it off while the party battles it and its minions. Shortly after, the Dondoganger makes its return, falling out of a vent, before the engine is revealed to still be running. The Dondoganger eats Balgar, gets shot in the nuts by Driving Guy and Braxton and the doppelgangers are soon incinerated by the engine once Braxton makes a hole between the queen and the engine, before Skunk interrogates M1 about the incident. In the escape pod room, M1 locks them in and ejects the escape pods, forcing them to fight through doppelgangers to make their way out. Skunk goes through M1’s files and finds a suspicious file named PSS.rat, before Gerard is able to pry open the door with Mage Hand, allowing the party and the crew to escape into Proxy’s bus. Shortly after leaving, Proxy hears banging noises once again, visibly frightened.

### Session 7: What A Time to Be Alive (8/1/2023)

Starting Characters: Sir Gerard, Kander Jr., Nacho, Sock, The Nerd

Amidst the banging on the bus, the power goes out. The Nerd, pissed about his game progress being lost due to not saving like an idiot, punching through Proxy’s TV as a result. He then rejoins the party as Proxy sends them up to investigate, finding out it is the same chronovore from before. Proxy already had his turrets set up in case it happened again, so this was an easy defeat. The chronovore made off with Proxy’s Flux Capacitor once again, causing the Magic School Bus to fall into a futuristic dystopian city full of bright lights and flashing colors. Soon, a ship appears from a portal next to the bus, before Proxy explains that they are in Neo Columbus, the result of the Emu War. Proxy points out there are no flux capacitors nearby, before he notices the many suddenly approaching blips on his scanner, finding many more ships appearing from portals in the same way the first one did. Proxy, now frantic, watches as he and the others are surrounded by P.S.S. soldiers. An unfamiliar woman and Brutus soon walk out of the ship, to Proxy’s surprise.

The woman doxxes Proxy, revealing his true name to be Ezra Beckett, a time felon, wanted for 10 counts of kidnapping through time, numerous counts of murder by proxy, theft of items through time, and 5 counts of stealing P.S.S. Equipment, getting him sentenced to chrono-displacement. He is put under arrest before Proxy pleads to the woman, who he calls Marlene, to take him back, due to him collecting a crab dinner, an album from “that dumb band she likes”, a robotic butler, taking turkey off the menu, collecting Ecto-Cooler, finding their old jewelry box that apparently had the Hope Diamond in it, and collecting the golden beetles all to try and get her back. Marlene is unfazed, and arrests him, before Proxy starts to fail to remember the name of the man Marlene cheated on him with. Marlene beckons Gerard to come with, and Proxy is speechless. Proxy had unknowingly not only brought a P.S.S. member on the journey with him, but also brought along the man that cucked him due to having a bigger dick than him. Gerard leaves with Proxy and Marlene, leaving his former friends to fend for themselves against the encroaching army of P.S.S. grunts.

The Nerd starts by sneaking away from the soldiers, planning for a stealth strike later. Sock attacks one of the guards, finding a stash of cream cheese that fell from his pocket. Moveh soon moves to cleave one of the grunts in two before the Nerd repeatedly pesters the grunts to drop their pants, before Nacho surrenders to the invasion. Eventually the Nerd’s badgering works and a guard drops his pants, only to promptly get shot in the balls by the Nerd.

Not long after, Skunk and Evan are detained, before Kander Jr. turns himself in in exchange for being promised a fleshlight. The Nerd pulls his pants down and launches a diarrhea blast all over one of the grunts. Over time, the remaining party members are arrested one by one, the Nerd being the last.

They all pass out in detainment, having a collective vision of a tall black man with large sunglasses saying "WAKE THE FUCK UP, SAMURAI.". The party soon awakens to find Gerard standing in front of their cells. He has returned due to valuing his new friends over the promise of coochie. Gerard tells them Proxy's location, being the chrono-disintegration room, and freeing them to let them save Proxy if they choose. Nacho, Sock, the Nerd and Evan all do not wish to save him, before Gerard reveals his watch under his gauntlet, one identical to that of Brutus. He tells them that Proxy is their only way out at this moment, but he can find another way with the watches. Gerard's only ally in wanting to save Proxy is Kander Jr., who soon realizes he's not getting the fleshlight he was promised. Nacho and Sock soon change their minds, overruling the majority opinion.

They soon arrive at the chrono-disintegration room, where Brutus is working to disintegrate Proxy across the timestream. He runs away upon seeing Gerard and the others, before the Nerd stealth-kills the technician and opens the way to disable the chrono-disintegrator. Before this, however, the Nerd climbs up high and jacks off onto the ground (and fellow party members) below him. Gerard presses the button to break Proxy free, and he tells them that he can find the way out for them, but first asks if they want to reclaim the crew of the Ishimura. The party decides to leave them behind, condemning them to a brutal demise, before Proxy divulged his history. Proxy used to be a P.S.S. agent by the name of Ezra Beckett, mainly stopping anomalies and neuralizing several, including cavemen and vikings.

Proxy's plan is to disable the chrono-navigator so they can leave without being tracked, but Brutus managed to beat them there. Noticing their friend is unarmed, Kander Jr. gives Proxy Killgore's bone and Gerard gives him the lamp he stole as weapons to fight with.

Noting the turncoat in their midst, the P.S.S. grunts that were in the chrono-navigation room focused their attacks on Gerard for the most part, before Brutus got his neck unceremoniously snapped by Kander Jr.. Kander Jr. and the Nerd team up to break the chrono-navigator, before Sock darts away from the Obliterator. The Nerd soon leaves the scene to collect watches for his friends, before a long-winded battle with the P.S.S. ensues. The Nerd eventually returns, and Proxy syncs the watches to find their way out, before questioning if anyone wanted to be neuralized. All of them refuse. Proxy takes them to a fallen P.S.S. ship at an unknown time and unknown location, before Nacho clears the guards with a thunder wave. Proxy claims the ship as his own, creating a new Magic School Bus, ready to bring his friends on a new adventure.

## Notable Memes

* Professor Proxy
* The School Bus
* Kander Jr. existing
* Baphomini
* Crabs
* The Quantum Fridge
* Gerard being a simp
* Gerard being a himbo
* Ophelia repeatedly asking what stuff from the future is
* "I'M HIGH ON SHROOMS!"
* Julius Caesar being a bitch
* Grimace Shake
* Free Birds
* The Turkinator
* The Nerd
* Cream Cheese
* Clib Jubley
* Killgore
* Liquid Chris
* Pac-Man
* McDonald's playplace
* Cucking

## Trivia

* The campaign is heavily inspired by the *Doctor Who* franchise, with its titular character being a spoof of The Doctor.
* Floors of Serventent, Houses, and Gravity Star are each canon to at least one of the timelines within Professor Proxy's Wild Ride, due to Kander Jr. being present separate from his father, Everwyn's remains being found in the Space Between Spaces and taken with them, and due to Clib Jubley, a known fugitive in Gravity Star's timeline, reappearing on Anima Vendide, as well as OSMO being a knockoff version of Moto's special-made droid COSMO.