The Banquet

**The Banquet** is the third episode of Series 5 of *Plebs*, first broadcast on ITV2 on 7 October 2019.

## Synopsis

The boys gate-crash an aristocratic banquet. There, Marcus attempts to curry favour with their host, Senator Varus, whilst Jason seduces a bored noblewoman.

## Cold Open

*10AM Wednesday Morning*

The boys receive a shiny gold envelope: an invitation from Senator Varus and Lady Clodia to the Brothers Longinus to attend a banquet; as Marcus observes, their 'idiot postman' has delivered it to the wrong address. Jason's enthusiasm remains high, however, seeing as the senator is 'looking forward to meeting' the Longinus brothers and so would not recognize the mixup, and

> I've never been to a banquet, and you're always trying to suck up to powerful poshos., Jason

Marcus admits as much, as getting chummy with a senator would allow them to sidestep the council on their late licence application.

The only question left is how many 'brothers Longinus' there are. Aurelius reckons four. Everyone else reckons 'definitely not four'.

## Plot

Marcus gets cold feet as they approach the entrance, but Jason and Grumio are determined to proceed after all the trouble they've gone to already, Jason getting faffed up, and Grumio practicing his 'snooty face'.

> Posh isn't about what you wear, mate. Posh is a state of mind.
>
> Grumio

Grumio is immediately recognized as their slave, and sent off, while Jason and Marcus are introduced as Titus and Publius Longinus. The senator sends Titus (Jason) 'the scholar' to mingle, while he introduces Publius (Marcus) 'the military man' to General Agrippa.

Grumio is welcomed by Petronius, another slave, or rather, 'domestic coordinator'. Offered 'sloppy ends', which Petronius describes in no more appealing terms as a 'kind of a leftover broth', Grumio is nonplussed.

Jason is approached by a jaded aristocrat, who is overjoyed to see a new face amidst the same guests, the same music, the same canapes ad nauseam.

> Spare me from another starling's tongue on toast.
>
> Rufina

She recommends drinking till blackout to get through the banquet, which Jason finds a reasonable suggestion. They make eyes.

Marcus, Senator Varus and General Agrippa, struggles to explain Publius' victory at Vellica. Varus mentions that he fought with Publius' father, Lucullus, and had promised to guide the Longinus boys if they ever made it to Rome. Agrippa asks how 'Publius' is coping with life on Civi Street, which he dodges by mentioning their interest in a wine bar—a reply which confuses the other men.

In the kitchen nearby, Grumio steals plates of canapes. Marcus catches Jason up on his conversation and their expanding backstory: Titus has spent the last three years taking it easy in Greece, which Jason finds plausible.

Clodia announces it is time for everyone to proceed to the triclinium, a word with which neither of the 'Longinus brothers' is familiar. Jason, seated next to Rufina after secretly switching placecards, tells her he has been 'scholaring' in Greece and is something of a Greek geek. They are interrupted by Clodia, however, who says they will be treated first to a performance by the Planetine Players of the Twelve Labors of Hercules through the medium of mime. Rufina says she cannot bear it, telling "Titus" she is seeking refuge upstairs, nudging him to join her in the second room on the right.

Marcus, seated next to Varus, pleads his problems with the council, but the senator dismisses the project as a "folly" beneath someone of Publius' accomplishments and pedigree. Marcus says he discussed the idea with his father—who it turns out had died twenty years ago, and who had been contemptuous of plebeians. Varus is unmoved.

> If you insist upon tarnishing his legacy you go ahead, my boy, but you can do so without my support.
>
> Senator Varus

Grumio, hiding under a table eating his stolen canapes, overhears two other slaves talking suspiciously about almonds—just one diner's almonds.

Jason, delayed because he had gotten "well into" the mime performance, arrives upstairs to the room Rufina is in, where she wants "Titus" to read to her—some Sappho, written in Greek. She begins kissing him as he begins spouting any Greek word that he can think of.

Clodia at last announces the end of the performance and the introduction of the starter, pan-fried trout with almonds. In case any guest needed to "make room" for this or the next seven courses, she noted the availability of slaves with vomit bowls. As they start, however, Grumio waves Marcus over and warns that there many be a poison plot involving almonds, and that they should warn the senator. Marcus refuses and dismisses Grumio's theory, when suddenly another guest, Drusus, gags and falls, foaming at the mouth. A doctor declares him dead, and suspects poison.

Varus orders the doors barred until the culprit can be found, and for the whereabouts of Rufina—apparently, Drusus' widow. She and Jason emerge to see Clodia and others weeping; she observes that she, too, will have to mourn him, lest she be suspected of having a hand in his death. As it happens, the authorities already have suspects, as they see Marcus and Grumio being shackled and led away.

Varus accompanies Marcus and Grumio downstairs, where he orders the guard, Urbo, to tie them up. Marcus admits he is merely the son of a chicken farmer from Pisa, and that Grumio was his slave, and that he had no knowledge of the plot. Grumio, however, says that Marcus did have knowledge, because he had warned him a minute before, and told him to warn Varus, and that he hadn't.

> I didn't want to cause a fuss. Admittedly, this is more of a fuss.
>
> Marcus

Varus does not believe the story, however, and tells Urbo to extract a confession while he hunts for the "brother."

Jason, finding the doors blocked and guarded, looks for a place to hide, and happens into the bedroom of a young girl, whom he tells that he is playing hide-and-seek with her father. She tells him to try the slave's entrance, past the triclinium and down the stairs. He sneaks past the triclinium, where a sobbing Rufina is being comforted by the other guests, but is caught when a pet parrot squawks at him.

Downstairs, a bloodied Marcus and Grumio carry on a conversation about cheesecake as Urbo whips them enthusiastically. Marcus says he is ready to confess to anything, even the murder of Caesar, and proceeds to do so when Urbo presents his latest tool, a clamp for testicles. Hearing him whimper about his nuts reminds Grumio about the conversation in the kitchen, however, and the funny way one of the conspirators pronounced 'almon'. Marcus informs Urbo that he is withdrawing his confession.

Urbo, Marcus, and Varus watch as Grumio tries and fails to get Petronius to pronounce the word 'almond'. Jason, having lowered himself down a hatch into the hypocaust to escape the guards, begins screaming for help, being lost and overheated, but promises that he has "juicy gossip about the old murder". He admits that he had moved the placecards in order to sit next to Rufina, and again so that Marcus could sit next to Varus; the poison had been intended for the senator himself.

Varus points out that this does not exactly exonerate him. Marcus asks Rufina if Drusus had had a nut allergy; she replies that he did not, and enjoyed an 'almon', as he pronounced it, of an evening. It seems Drusus had had designs on not only Varus' wife—both Varus and Rufina knew of their affair—but on his company as well. Clodia denies this, claiming she had been visiting her 'pustulus aunt' and draining her weeping sores; pressed, she asks what choice she had, because her husband had been busy fucking Petronius, shocking the crowd.

As Clodia is shackled and the guests start to disperse, Marcus makes a final plea for help with the licence, seeing as they had solved the murder and in a way saved his life, but Varus orders them to leave. Jason hopes to meet up with Rufina, but she tells him that as a widow who has come into a very large sum of money, so if she wanted a handsome stud to read her Greek poetry, she could just go to Greece.

The boys head home, disappointed in the banquet.

## Historical references

* Marcus gives the street address of The Crown and Toga as 11 Via Attica, whereas the invitation should have been delivered to 11 Via Antica. This is a reference to the Via Appia Antica, or Appian Way, one of the oldest and most famous roads in Rome. The road originated at the Forum and linked the city to Brindisi to the southeast.
* Dinner parties were a major feature of Roman social life, women and men dining together over multiple courses. A hyperbolic account of a banquet, Trimalchio's feast, is found in the *Satyricon*.
* Arriving just before the Longinus brothers are Calpurnius Piso and his wife, Lady Phyllis. There are several notable ancient Romans with this name, including Augustus' co-consuls in 23 BC, Gnaeus Calpurnius Piso, who had once fought against him. Piso's father had participated in the Catiline Conspiracy of 63 BC, and two of his sons also served as consul.
* This Piso is introduces as governor of Cilicia. Cilicia was a republican and imperial province mostly located in what is now southern Turkey; however, the name of the actual *propraetor* in 23 B.C. is unknown.
* The Battle of Vellica took place in what is now Spain 2 years before the episode was set, during the Cantabrian Wars. Paulus Orosius and Florus describe a battle in which Roman Legion IV, led by Augustus Caesar himself, captured the town of Vellica after defeating the Cantabrians in open battle, after which the town and fortress were razed to the ground.
* The *triclinium* is a formal dining room in an ancient Roman house, so called because of the arrangement of three sofas (or rather, mor similar to chaise longues) around a table.
* Mime as an art form dates back to ancient Greece, and eventually became the predominant form of ancient Roman drama.
* Traditional Roman mores frowned upon excessive consumption of food and drink, but feasts ending in vomiting is attested in the writings of Pliny the Younger.
* Ancient Romans were avid pet-keepers, and wealthy Romans kept parrots as well as songbirds and ornamental birds around the house.
* When fleeing the guards, Jason lowers himself into the hypocaust, an underfloor area where hot air and smoke were circulated as a form of central heating.

## Anachronisms

* Street numbers did not come into use in Europe until the Renaissance.
* Guests are seated upright at the banquet table, whereas in Rome they would be reclined.
* The books in the library are *codex*-style books, with leaves stacked and bound together. This form of book would not be invented for several hundred years. While wealthy Romans did boast sizable libraries, the books in them were written on scrolls.
* Varus describes Lucullus as former governor of Thrace, but Thrace did not become a Roman province until 46 AD, almost 70 years after this episode was set.

## Appearances

* Marcus (Tom Rosenthal)
* Grumio (Ryan Sampson)
* Jason (Jonathan Pointing)
* Aurelius (Tom Basden)
* Senator Varus (David Calder)
* Petronius (William Andrews)
* Rufina (Amanda Holden)
* Agrippa (Jude Akuwudike)
* Clodia (Tracy Ann Oberman)
* Esther (Ava Talbot)

## External links

* "The Banquet" at British Comedy Guide
* "The Banquet" at IMDb