Heimlich

Heimlich by G McDermott.

**Heimlich Stratovarious** is a human College of Spirits Bard, and one of the protagonists of Halls of the Undermountain King and A Shadowfell Symphony. He returns as an NPC in Crash & Burn. He is played by Jon Scholey.

## Biography

### Backstory

Augustine Stratovarious and Helgarich Blackthorne were exceptional adventurers, a power couple of Cleric and Fighter who carved a tale of many a minor legend from hamlet to town to the mightiest of cities. Righting wrongs, surviving traps, slaying gnolls and filling bags of holding with gems and gold. It was an exciting freelance career and the best way to make a good fortune to secure their future – they had always wanted to settle down in Waterdeep, in a big villa and with a big family. They accrued the wealth, stayed on the right side of death (thanks revivify) and made a home to raise their brood in blissful retirement; no more vampires, no more dragons, no more adventures.

It was around about the 6th child that the itch started. Clerical work isn't as appealing as Cleric work, and they seemed better at destroying cults than raising children. The call of the dungeon was whispering in their ears. So they did what any decent upwardly mobile newly bourgeois family in their situation would do. They got in nannies for the young ones and sent the older kids to boarding school.

Heimlich Stratovarious, the 3rd son, a charming and mischievous boy, had "bard" written all over him, and he was sent to finest of bardic colleges. Upon graduation, he travelled to several other halls of musical study and specialist conservatoires in the Sword Coast. He made music his life - the more elegant, refined and beautiful the better. Upon returning to Waterdeep, a young man well into his twenties, his disciplined nature combined with his talent and charm had made him the most sought after soloist and aspiring composer for one of the most highly regarded orchestra in Waterdeep.

The night his 'masterwork' was set to debut he sat in the dressing room running over the complex score he had crafted. His parents had sent a bouquet and apologies that they had to be in the Shadowfell to avert a possible apocalypse. This was quite ordinary in his extraordinary family. He was used to them missing his performances by now: they had missed his turn as a snow elemental in the Shieldmeet festival jamborine when he was 4. It was just who they were - sacrifices have to be made to save the world – was what they had always told him and his siblings, usually as they grabbed their weapons and headed out of the door, or shifted into another plane of existence. Heimlich took one last look at the elegant arrangement of crotchets, quavers and semibreaves that danced across the staves of the page and smiled. He checked his evening dress, picked up his treasured viol, and stepped out into the candlelit auditorium, unaware of the dark mist that rose from each step he took, and the whispering voices that echoed each footfall. He took centrestage, ready to lead his handpicked orchestra in what all the town criers had loudly agreed would be an 'unforgettable' performance. He placed the music on the stand, not perceiving how the dots had shifted into new positions on the page, as they had for every member of the orchestra. He raised his bow, and began to play.

No one can quite remember what happened that night, but the dreams and terrors that afflicted the audience and musicians were considered to be more than coincidence. The Zulpair Concert Hall still stands in the Sea Ward of Waterdeep. For some reason they found it hard to get bookings or an audience after that performance, since a couple of shows had also had unforeseen impacts on those in attendance. Clerics have since consecrated the site several times but still advise that nothing should be performed there yet. Augustine and Helgarich never spoke of what happened in the Shadowfell. Heimlich was gently encouraged to go find his own way in the world and make himself his own man. As they sent him off and wished him well, neither parent could look him in the eye.

As word of that fateful night spread Heimlich was quietly dismissed from the colleges he held membership at. He wasn't invited back to conservatoires (all the glass was becoming very expensive to replace). This was all very unfortunate as his mind was now alive with new musical possibilities: melodies and harmonies not often heard on the material plane coursed through his mind. He still had some contacts in the higher echelons of society and formed many a quartet or chamber orchestra of bold bards, ones who had heard whisper of what happened at the concert and wanted the chance to play some real soul music. But each time dark events would come to pass – blood flowing out of flutes, audience members falling into unawakenable slumbers during nocturnes, and unexpected pregnancies (this proved to be a real shock to the elderly Duke of Neverwinter).

For many years now Heimlich Stratovarious has fallen into the old family business of adventuring – both to try to find the source and reason for his curious compelling affliction and as a means to support himself when he cannot earn his keep as a player of songs. He does still play on occasion, a certain dance hall on the wrong side of town. He plays with a band of the nastiest bards you can meet – they're the only ones he's found who can keep up and not run screaming after reading the sheet music. So on nights when there is a perfect half moon, the shadow nights, the brave young bloods of Waterdeep head to the dark and dingy hall with the strange red dance floor. Where, if you can get a ticket, you will have the wildest night of your life, dancing through mists and dreams and spirits and nightmares. If you're lucky you might be able to stop cavorting, stamping, twirling in the spreading pool of blood before you lose all your toes to the magical rhythms - But what are a few toes when you can glimpse into the dreams of the shadow-touched?

### Halls of the Undermountain King

Living in a mansion near Whim Street in the Sea Ward of Waterdeep, these established heroes are messaged by Durnan, the proprietor of the Yawning Portal, hoping for their help with solving why the tavern patrons were 'acting strange',

This takes the heroes to the Yawning Portal Tavern, and down in to the Undermountain, where not all is as it should be. Squishy organic floors, googly eyes and various strange traps and trials, and a polymorphed-eldritch-horror-into-swiftly-yeeted tortoise lead the party to the town of Fineville, where all the missing folk are, and where everything is "fine". After speaking to a corpse of an adventurer, Heimlich attempts to delve a little deeper into what is going on with a detect thoughts spell and is hit with 3 levels of exhaustion. He is taken for some rest by Ember. On rising, he finds himself in a version of his bedroom at the group's mansion, but rather than a single skeleton with a cello, there is a whole orchestra.

The party head to the joust Varya has agreed to, which Heimlich assists with inspiration and a few cutting words to the Drider Knight Sir Bibbledeeboop: "Your mother ate your father and said he tasted terrible". The joust a victory for the group, they were escorted to meet the King. Heimlich attempted to charm the mysterious chamberlain, to no effect and chilling response, and the nature of the Undermountain King - a terrifying Mindwitness - was revealed. Combat ensued, and the Mindwitness fell to Heimlich in his giant silverback gorilla form clapping the big ball shaped aberration to smithereens. The party dashed through the dungeons and caverns to the lift, and were able to make their way home, and had just began to relax when they saw the Zulpair Concert Hall become a column of magical darkness.

### A Shadowfell Symphony

Heimlich has been at the mansion working with his college friend/rival (and paramour) Reggie Peggio on solutions to the eldritch column of terrifying darkness. Reggie allows Heimlich to handle his instrument - it doesn't go well (no, not like that, watch the episode). They decide they have prevaricated enough, and head out into the city to try and find further answers - and they bump into their old classmates Hunk, Harmony, and Tessele (and Tessele's egg who doesn't seem to draw much comment - but Bard College was probably quite a crazy time). This new band of bards catch up and test each others edges as they head to the source of the problem. With Heimlich's involvement with the dereliction of the Zulpair Concert Hall being public knowledge - encounters with ghosts and strange other-wordly creatures lead them to dive into a portal.

Now in the Shadowfell, the party encounter dragon toads (which a polymorphed and super-sized silverback Heimlich yeets into the sea) and undead creatures before making it to the city of Gloomwrought. It is revealed that Reggie isn't quite all the firbolg he used to be, but this doesn't seem to be too much of an issue for Heimlich - he already has one skeleton in his bedroom.

As they explore the city, trying to find the best way to infiltrate Lady Babbington's Eternal Ball, the party stumble across an Inn with a notice board - on which is a woodcut of Heimlich's parents Augustine and Helgarich, both hammered and waving massive steins. It seems they traded the soul of their youngest son for a night of free (no doubt exceptionally good) shadow beers. This pushes Heimlich over the edge for a while, but Hunk and Tessele, through a mix of charm and bartering, persuade the vampire proprietor Vonny Fanggberg to relenquish Heimlich's soul. Reunited with the missing part of himself, Heimlich begins to question whether his spooky shadowy skills are the trade off for not having his soul, and whether returning it will make him less use in this quest, and a different person entirely.

While the party get glammed up thanks to Jolene and Heimlich uses a (freshly acquired thanks to a level up) legend lore spell to write a new song in incense, setting it on fire and reading the smoke discover more about the Cadence - the reply from his spirit connection read thusly:

> An artefact of ancient power lingers now where the darkness is greatest. Constructed once for balance, but now consumed with deceit and manipulation. Corrupted and distorted by the deluded traveller who murdered the companion who introduced them to the planes. Souls are wrenched from the unwilling, and discarded instead of stored. The gates have crashed open and the planes are being unpicked. The chaos is unending, and unstable. Control is bound to the the evil one, the stones about her neck hold the key.
>
>

After a wild chase by gargoyles through the streets of Gloomwrought (during which Heimlich sat inside the carriage with their new friends, the Flickés) the gang arrive at the ball and are faced with a queue! No guest list for these divas! Heimlich uses the opportunity to connect the group with a telepathic bond as well as contact Reggie's newest patron the Raven Queen (he has a lot of patrons that Reggie, as every good artist should) through a divination ritual to enquire why Lady Babbington has taken Swifty's gem (turns out she's. jut a greedy b\*tch). In the ball itself, Heimlich keeps an eye on Harmony during her confrontation with Alkiss and also uses the opportunity to rewrite the band's rather staid waltz to a funkier version, inspired by this interesting new form of music Reggie has brought into the world via his keytar Maurice.

The group head for the inevitable confrontation with Lady Babbington ,and battle ensues after several party members attempt to get the jump on the terrifying fey creature they are confronted with. Heimlich uses the spirit tale of The Runaway (which appears as the Corrs) to teleport the party out of the way of an attack. Imploring the Raven Queen (aka Mutti Raven) for more advice on how to destroy the Cadence, getting knocked unconscious, trying to nullify the necklace with dispel magic - the battle is swift, vicious and, thanks as ever to Harmony, brief. The team use Lady Babbington's silver keys to return to Waterdeep.

### Crash & Burn

Heimlich appears alongside Reggie and Hunk at the premiere of his new opera, The Twelve Keys, at the Zulpair Concert Hall - which is once again interrupted in the latest "Heimlich Incident" as skeletons rain onto the stage! Although, for once, this looks like it might have not been his fault... Regardless, Reggie teleports them both away while Hunk and their new friends deal with the problem.

## In-game Characteristics

Heimlich predominantly buffs allies with College of Spirit abilities and Bardic Inspiration and impedes enemies with cutting words. He has used Polymorph to turn a dire situation around. He carries a white Viol that he uses as his spiritual focus, and the Mac-Fuirmidh cittern purchased from Eileen, as well as a Cloak of Billowing for dramatic moments (which Jon always forgets about).

### Description

Heimlich is of middling height, slight build and looks like a man who does not eat or sleep enough. His face is gaunt and lined, but always freshly shaven. His hair a wild dark mess with streaks of grey peppering it. The pupils of his light grey eyes are permanently contracted, making it seem like he has no iris or pupil at all, just huge pale eyes staring into the middle distance. He often hums small snatches of unsettling melodies or has his head cocked as if he is listening to someone whispering in his ear and is usually gently smiling. He wears rumpled evening dress bulked out with patches of black and grey leather armour, a combination designed to preserve both his artistic integrity and his life. The pockets of the tailcoat are stuffed with rolls of paper, bottles of ink and quills in case inspiration strikes in the middle of a tavern/dungeon/chase through a nightmare realm. The cuffs of the shirt are covered in hastily scribbled musical notations from when the paper ran out. In one hand is a bone white viol, the back of which has the alphabet scratched across it in an arch, this arch is bisected into halves, one has “YES” carved into it, the other “NO” and a planchette is holstered onto the back of the instrument. In the other hand is a matching bone white bow strung with a hank of midnight coloured horse hair.

## Trivia

* Heimlich has been using his Spirit Session ability to cast Animate Dead. He is trying to assemble a string quartet of skeletons/zombies who can cope playing his compositions. At the time of Halls of the Undermountain King he has one (bought from some medical students) he has named Helga (after his mother. Totally normal then).
* Heimlich is a Variant Human. In Hall of the Undermountain King he has the Shadow Touched feat to expand on his connection to the Shadowfell. In A Shadowfell Symphony he has the Warcaster feat, and has taken the darkness up a notch and has one level of Sorcerer with the Shadow Magic.
* As part of Halls of the Undermountain King Liz had each player design a room in the mansion they share - this is a description of Heimlich's room:
	+ The walls of the room are covered with elegant wall paper, a pale peach color with an embossed pattern of twirling vines and flowers – this effect is somewhat ruined has been drawn on in ink, gravy, and possibly blood. Scrawled with spidery staves and the dots and lines and breaks of symphonies from the the darkest imaginings and sweetest singing of the shadowfell.
	+ The large sash window is permanently covered with thick heavy velvet curtains. The darkness of the room is lessened by elaborate sconces that are now covered in the stumps of burned down candles in a multitude of shades – the latest additions to the waxy conglomerate are burning away.
	+ There is a cast iron bed with a finely embroidered quilt, which does not seem to be slept in, but the divot in the centre suggests it is frequently collapsed on, the bed spread and pillow case also bears the marks of night time musical scrawlings.
	+ The finely woven carpets of the room are covered in sheets of staff paper with half composed pieces scribbled on them which litter the floor alongside plates, some empty, some less empty and cups of wine that are slowly turning to vinegar.
	+ The finely wrought furtinure in the room, dressers, side tables and such are all covered in various bottles of ink and pens and piles of paper along with more melted candles that have dripped rivulets of wax down to the floor.
	+ In one corner the is the set up for a quartet: four music stands, 3 stools, one of which is occupied by a skeleton who is practising scales on a cello. They need more practice.

* A running gag in A Shadowfell Symphony has the party stating that Heimlich is ancient despite him being in his 30s.
* At Lady Babbington's ball, Tessele introduced Heimlich as "The Weaver of Cacophonies".

## Media

Heimlich headshot from the poster for Halls of the Undermountain King.Heimlich miniature by Hero Forge for Halls of the Undermountain King.Heimlich headshot from the poster for A Shadowfell Symphony.Heimlich miniature by Hero Forge from A Shadowfell Symphony.Heimlich's outfit for Lady Babbington's ball in A Shadowfell Symphony, created on Hero Forge.
## External links

* Character Sheet for Heimlich (Halls of the Undermountain King)
* Character Sheet for Heimlich (A Shadowfell Symphony)