226: What CAN'T Will Turn Into? A Pleasant Person? JUST KIDDING!

## Summary

The upside-down dragon broadcasts a familiar message to the entire town: "Fragments of depraved gods have been set loose! Change abounds!" causing the entire population of Morrow's Inlet to go into a panic. Batthwack makes a last ditch dash back into town, followed by Will, and locates a locked chest which he believes contains a diamond, but on his way back he's caught in the stampede and forced to abandon Selenia's body. Back at the docks, Raphina and Gwen ready the lizards and when Will (in bat form, of course!) and Batthwack reappear, they all make their escape, boating away down the Beartoggle, briefly bumping into the family who Batthwack stole the chest from. A short way down the river they catch up to a barge, which turns out to be the courier who's carrying Will's letter to Curtis. Despite believing it to be a scam, Will reluctantly pays for his letter to be expedited to Tivoli.

## Synopsis

The upside-down dragon is soaring across Morrow's Inlet, heading in a general southerly direction, though it's difficult to tell it's precise path due to it's height. Will is still running from the dock worker when he re-joins the others. All of a sudden they hear a loud, booming voice in draconic, but weirdly it's message is also being broadcast telepathically, which everyone can understand. It emphatically and loudly booms *"Beware! Six Rivers is in peril. Fragments of depraved gods have been set loose! Change abounds! Beware! Six Rivers is in peril. Fragments of depraved gods have been set loose! Change abounds!"* The group recognise this phrase, but note that it's nothing like the voice they heard previously in the *Lazy Currant*. Looking closer at the dragon, they also note that it's much larger than the blue dragon they encountered in Barovia. It's certainly a strange sight; dragons are rarely used as messengers because they're not known for being subservient creatures.

Will ducks around a corner and changes his appearance into Bernard to throw off the guy chasing him. They feel the ground begin to tremble beneath their feet. Batthwack senses this is coming from somewhere in the town. Will tells everyone they have to leave immediately. Batthwack suggests running for the harbour. Mo agrees and attempts to pick up Batthwack and carry him off, but given that he's carrying Captain Clockface and Selenia, he finds this is a bit of a struggle. Raphina asks to be carried and Gwen picks her up and gives her a sticky brick. She urges *"Gwen, please don't step on any worms or centipedes or anything okay?"*

Batthwack hesitates for a moment, casting *Locate Object* to look for the diamond he needs for Raphina's *Revivify* spell. He detects one about 900 feet to the southeast, in the direction of the candy store. He says *"Mo, I'll meet you in the harbour in three minutes. Protect Will."* and runs off in the direction of town. Will shouts after him, *"Where are you going?"* *"I need a diamond!"* replies Batthwack over his shoulder as he runs away. Will imagines Batthwack stealing a diamond and realises this is too good to miss. He runs after him. Batthwack is running at full tilt, but Will is a little more cautious, with one eye on the dragon. It's continuing it's path across the sky above the town. There's no sign of it swooping down to attack anyone yet.

Gwen, Raphina, Mo and Hilula arrive at the docks. The lizards are very agitated, thrashing about in the water against the lines tethering them to the quayside. The rest of the dock is in total chaos. There's people running everywhere; they don't know what to do. They can obviously tell they're all hearing the same message in their heads. Gwen attempts to calm a lizard, which snorts loudly as she approaches. She tries to pet it on the nose, but to no effect. Raphina casts *Speak with Animals* and does her best to reassure them. *"Okay, my lizard friends. My lizard, horsey, water friends. Something's going on, right? You've sensed something and I want you to know that it's okay. But I also don't know what it is and I think you might, so can you tell me?"* As she says all this she becomes aware that she can understand the lizards, who are jabbering *"What is going on? There is a fucking dragon in the sky! What is in our heads?! I don't know what's happening... What? Change abounds? I don't know what any of this is! Let's get out of here...."* Then they realise they can understand her and the distraction causes the thrashing to subside for a moment. Raphina introduces herself and tells the lizards they're going to get out of here. The lizards say they can hear and smell the dragon, but can't really see it. They're scared of the rumbling and want to be let loose. Raphina unties the knot as slowly as she can manage, trying to buy the rest of the group some time. Gwen wants her to hurry up. Raphina suggests they take a lizard out into the harbour while they wait for the others, so they're not so close to whatever's causing the tremors.

Meanwhile, Batthwack is pelting down the street. He knows his *Locate Object* spell only lasts around 10 minutes. He had been generally heading in the direction of the candy store, but before he gets there his magical sense of direction indicates he should turn right and he does so. He skids to a halt when he realises the spell is pointing inside the building he's next to. Over the window a sign a reads "All That And A Bag Of Holding". He feels the vibrations getting stronger. Following some way behind, Will can see that the dragon is still continuing on its same course. General chaos fills the streets, with people running to and fro. Snippets of people's conversations can be heard over the din of the dragon's message *"What is that? It's in my head! What is going on?"* Nobody takes any notice of either of them. Will keeps his distance as Batthwack goes in the store.

Inside, Batthwack checks for any people. Behind the counter, a man and a woman are having a heated conversation. They seem highly agitated. To the left of the counter, slumped on a stool is a dejected young man, who Batthwack recognises as the boy that was stealing candy at Gwen's store. Unlike his parents, he looks bored. Batthwack senses that the diamond is somewhere behind the counter.

Outside, Will sees Batthwack go into the store, then ducks into an alcove and changes his appearance into Bella. He looks through the store window as surreptitiously as possible. He sees Batthwack skulking around, peering down the aisles, with his back to the window. He thinks it's safe to go in without being spotted, so he does so, teetering through the door and pretending not to be able to see too good. Batthwack suddenly runs up to the counter urgently, out of breath, saying *"Quick! Everyone's in a panic! There's a large creature flying outside. The earth is rumbling! We need to leave the city! Run to the water and find a way to safety!"* Then he casts *Command* and shouts *"Flee!"* Succumbing to the spell, the lady behind the counter shouts, *"See I told! Let's go! Come on! Come on!"* The man clutches on to the woman and they rush around the counter, past Batthwack, before grabbing the boy by the scruff of his shirt and dragging him out. Will/Bella also runs out the door with them.

Now free to explore behind the counter, Batthwack finds a small chest under it, locked and bolted in place to the wooden floor. He looks for something heavy nearby and finds a large iron bust of someone he doesn't recognise. He smashes the bust down onto the chest, but it remains firmly shut. He feels like he did something, but he'd need to persist to break it open. Not having time for that, Batthwack begins to hack away at the floorboards around the chest.

Meanwhile, having run outside, Will watches Batthwack through the window for a while. Then he goes back to the main road and at this point is able to identify the source of the tremors: a stampede of panic stricken townsfolk is rushing down the road towards him. They're not looting or anything, their single-minded purpose it to flee the city. He looks down another street and sees people also rushing off in that direction too, taking whatever path they can to head for the water front. Will looks around. *Piner Things* and *Bubbly Libations* are back up the street, but with the crowd coming his way, he doesn't have many options except to head towards the water.

Back at the waterfront, Mo is worried as it's definitely been longer than three minutes. A couple of people are taking boats out from the dock. As there's four of the party here, and four lizards, Gwen suggests they all take one each and wait out in the water for the rest of the group. They cut them loose and the lizards don't need any persuasion to head away from the dock. The lizards calm down significantly once they're free to move. They guide the lizards away from the inlet and out into the river proper. They're able to maintain a steady position against the current of the river. The dragon continues to coast, now over the most southerly part of the town. They now see the docks are getting quite busy, with boats being cast out and some people even heading away downstream.

Gwen stares in amazement at the scene. She's never seen the town like this before. Hilula says she's never seen a dragon, though she's heard the tales. Gwen asks what the dragon's message means. Raphina theorizes that the gods are becoming depraved and reminds Gwen about Moondreamer having been a bit "off". She tells Gwen that they had heard the same message back in Norton. The harbour is starting to fill up quickly and they're starting to feel quite jostled.

Will is running towards the water and bursts out onto the harbour, finding the lizards gone. People are rushing around him, but the main body of the stampede is behind him. All the boats are being taken out. Will runs into a dark tavern called *The Last Sip*, which he finds empty. He grabs an empty bottle from a table and throws it through a window. He then hops behind the bar, changes into a bat using his *Cloak of the Bat* and flies out the window.

Batthwack has managed to chop through the wood around the chest and free it from the floor. It's a little too large to put in his pack. He does manage to pick it up, but with Selenia and Captain Clockface still slung over his shoulders, it's awkward. He bursts of the door, planning to make haste towards the dock, but is immediately swept up in the panicked crowd streaming by, which fortunately is headed the direction he wanted to go. When they reach the corner with the main street, Batthwack's crowd meets another mass of people also heading towards the docks and is pushed and shoved along in that direction. He's concentrating on holding onto all his items with an iron grip, so much so that he loses focus on his feet and begins to feel himself being borne to the ground. He knows this is a life and death decision, he's going to have to leave something behind in order to stay on his feet. He shrugs Selenia off his shoulder and her body disappears into he crowd. Now with a free hand, he is able to get himself back on his feet.

Will flies over the dock to look for everyone. He sees all four of the lizards out in the middle of the harbour and the rest of the party. From their vantage point on the river, Gwen and Raphina see Batthwack emerge from the crowd, the morning sun glinting off his armour, looking angry and a bit defeated. Will continues to flit about over the water, also witnessing Batthwack emerge. Gwen says she's going to go pick up Batthwack, but Mo says he'll go instead. He pilots his lizard over to where Batthwack is, hops off and in one fluid motion runs up to him, picks him up and starts dragging him over to the lizard. From the river, Raphina's urgent tones can be heard as she encourages them to hurry up. Batthwack climbs onto the lizard as Mo tells him that everyone's out on the river. Batthwack asks where Will is. Mo doesn't know - he though he was with Batthwack, but he says he didn't see him. Mo starts frantically calling Will's name. Batthwack says they'll have to go back for him.

Over Raphina's head, Will is squeaking away as a bat *"It's time to get out of here, let's go, let's go!"* Raphina picks this up, still under the effects of her *Speak with Animals* spell. She let's everyone on the lizards know that Will is here in bat guise. Will tells Raphina to use her loud voice, so Raphina casts *Thaumaturgy* and her huge booming voice echoes out across the harbour, *"WILL IS A BAT. HE IS HERE. BOARD LIZARD AND GO,* causing several boats to suddenly change direction and veer away from the lizards. This seems to be the final straw for some, who sail off down the river, perhaps to start a new life. The dragon's announcement is still going on and it continues to soar upside down above the town.

Mo turns his lizard around and heads back to the rest of the party where he is introduced to Will in bat form. They head down river, Will following as a bat. The lizards are much calmer now they're away from the town. Will looks back longingly at the town. There's something on his mind, that he can't quite let go. The group now find themselves part of a mass exodus. Many of the townsfolk are here and there's not much room to manoeuvre. They notice that next to the them is another boat heading down the river in a determined fashion. It's being piloted by the man, woman and boy from the store where Batthwack stole the chest. Batthwack quickly covers the chest.

Raphina strikes up a conversation with them. The boy asks her *"Was there someone with you guys? Like, did you leave someone behind in the town?"* The boy describes Will when he was in his guise as Kenneth Mullen/Horace Gusterson and Raphina dismisses him, saying that this was just an itinerant vagrant character. The man on the boat snaps at the boy *"Sheemie, stop talking to them! They clearly don't want to tell you whatever it is you're asking about. Get back here. Help me with this boat."* Raphina asks if they're his parents and he says they are.

Raphina asks if he was in a candy shop recently and the boy is clearly flustered and denies this. Raphina, making sure that the boy's parents can hear, loudly says that she saw someone just like him trying to steal candy. Will feels he must step in, so he suddenly changes back into human form, in the guise of Kenny/Horace, and drops down onto a lizard, behind Raphina. He says that it's perfectly normal for a kid to visit a candy store and *Message*s Raphina to ask why she's trying to get him in trouble. She explains he could be a valuable source of information, operating as he does in the town's underground.

The father apologises for his son, who he describes as sometimes a bit of a troublemaker. The boy asks them where they're going, but the group noncommittally just say "downstream". The boy says he's going to back to the town with his parents. Knowing that his parents are listening he loudly proclaims that he certainly does NOT desire to leave town and escape. Will tells him to stop talking and the father agrees with that suggestion, telling him to come back and help him with the boat. As the family's boat pulls away to the side of the river, the boy shouts *"Well, have a good trip!"*. They look to be stopping or turning around.

Around an hour or so later, the river is a lot quieter. Many people have turned around and gone back to town. The party's lizards begin to catch up to a larger barge-type vessel, also making its way downstream, but a lot more slowly. It has a large cabin on the back of it and the front is open. Printed on the side in large block letters is *"Beartoggle Couriers Ltd"*. Raphina wonders if Will's letter is on there. They catch up pretty quickly. On a raised platform at the back, manning the tiller, a half-orc appears to be asleep, their hat pulled down over their face. Near the prow, standing there looking out over the water, enjoying the view, is a halfling wearing a uniform. As they pull up, she turns and says *"Oh! Ho there! Enjoying this lovely morning on the Beartoggle River?"*

Raphina tells her about the dragon. The halfling guesses that was in Morrow's Inlet, saying *"That's about the last point of civilization up this ways."* She says they left there this morning with their letters and packages. Raphina asks if they're a resident of Beartoggle, and she says they are, though they don't recognise Raphina's name. She introduces herself as Walter. She says she's mostly out on the river anyways, delivering the mail. Raphina asks if she's heard of Tivoli, but she hasn't, saying that Bufflin is a bit too far north for her routes. Raphina asks how long it takes to cross the whole country and Walter says it depends on the route, and whether someone has paid for expedited delivery.

Will, who has been quiet so far, pipes up at this point. He says no-one told him about expedited delivery when he sent his letter. Walter offers to expedite it for him if they have it. Will awkwardly hesitates, wondering if Batthwack is listening to this conversation. Batthwack isn't visibly paying attention or engaging, but he is listening and staying quiet because he's feeling quite comfortable with the steps he's already taken. Will points out to Raphina that Batthwack's been doing things behind their backs. He mentions how Batthwack went looking for a diamond to revive Selenia, but stole an entire chest and then left Selenia behind. They both wonder if this is Batthwack's true character emerging. Raphina suggests Will talk to Batthwack about it, after all they are under contract together, and the group need to stay together to survive.

Will is thinking that Walter's offer sounds a bit sketchy because he could pretend to anybody and get a hold of their letter. He tells her the letter is going to Tivoli and is addressed to Curtis Pompion and she goes into the large cabin to look for it. Will is still dubious, thinking that this is some attempt to receive a bribe, or perhaps it's a scam. Walter comes back with the letter and Will asks to see it, but she says she can't show it to him. Will scoffs *"You can't show it to me?! But you can tell me that it's on this ship that I could set on fire and let blaze down the river!"* and Walter is unimpressed with this, saying *"I'm sorry, sir. Is that a threat?"* She explains that it's private correspondence and there's no way to verify Will's identity, but they can still take payment to speed up it's delivery.

She retrieves a book from the cabin, which she explains is their fee structure with the assigned rates for different modes of delivery. She explains it could normally take a month to reach Bufflin, but they could half that for an additional 15gp (on top of the 5gp already paid). Will is still very suspicious, wondering to himself if Walter could even be Ricardo Ulysses in disguise, or if this is part of what Batthwack has been planning. He's feeling very deflated, like his letter is meaningless now, so he agrees to pay, despite his misgivings. Raphina apologises for Will's behaviour, saying he's exhausted and they've all had a very weird few days. Will casts *True Strike* as he digs around for the money, allowing him to ascertain that Walter is very proud of her job, she's a little alarmed and confused by the conversation, and she feels superior to all of them. Will doesn't sense any trickery though. Will hands over the money and Walter comes back with a written receipt.

With all the sarcasm he can muster, Will says *"All right, cool. Well, thanks for expediting it. Raphina, speed up the lizard."* As they leave the postal barge behind, Will enjoys the irony of overtaking his "expedited" letter. He throws a coin in the river as a symbolic gesture demonstrating how much he thinks that 20gp was worth. After a short time the barge is no longer in view as the group continue their way down the Beartoggle River.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes an exchange between Denise/Gwen and Abby/Raphina. Will in bat form has been flitting about above their lizards in the harbour when Raphina realises it's him. Gwen, somewhat exhausted by Will's constant shapechanging, says *"So you guys, what* can't *Will turn into?"* Raphina pauses very briefly before saying *"Um... a pleasant person... JUST KIDDING!"* KT responds *"It's true!"* and Alex suggests *"Himself, yeah?"* and Eric says *"True in so many ways."*

## References

1. ↑ See episode 175: Does The Rainbow Trout Have A Sister?
2. ↑ See episode 91: This is My Naturally Stealthy Hair
3. ↑ **Spoiler!** See episode 200: Abby, We Hear Your Face!
4. ↑ See episodes 206: A Duffel Bag of Tootsie Rolls and 207: She's Gonna Find It All
5. ↑ Eric says they have a George Washington look about them!
6. ↑ In the podcast, Alex uses the "plant axe" aka *Treebane*, but in fact Batthwack gave this back to Hilula after he used it in Crumplemeyer's office - see episode 218: Sure, I'll Consider It: A Phil Lompion and Fatmack Story
7. ↑ See episode 207: She's Gonna Find It All
8. ↑ **Spoiler!** He's thinking of the halflings and his conversation with Curtis, see episodes 203: Wa-Marko and 225: The Dead Among You Have Nothing to Fear, respectively