How Richard Fatchurd Stole Christmas Part Three: Glad Tidings We Bring

It didn't take very long for Snowden to take control of the world. In fact, once Snowden killed the Charlatan, he was able to take over the world in the span of just five minutes. Come Christmas morning, the entire world was under Snowden's dictatorship. Soon to be former President Trump had no idea on how to proceed, and so allowed for Snowden to take control of the US government. Once in control of the government, Snowden placed Stormella in charge of the United States Military effectively meaning that General W.R Monger no longer held control over his troops anymore. After taking control of the United States, Snowden used the held back reserve of the Snowman Mafia to take control of the United Kingdom. The Snowman Mafia was able to take complete control of the United Kingdom by locking Prime Minister Boris Johnson inside one of those tiny little refrigerators you have to open with a key. Credit card? You got it! Ahem! Sorry about that, in any case, come noon of Christmas day, Snowden effectively had control of the entire world, and his next step was to take on the cosmos. To do this, Snowden needed to steal the magic power crystal which was contained inside Area 69 or at least that's what he had been led to believe. Allow me to explain.

The magic power crystal had been constructed by the OG Santa Clause many moons ago in the case of Snowden ever returning. Once Snowden was defeated by the High Council; Santa handed the power crystal over to Area 69, and warned General W.R Monger not to be deceived by appearances. Furthermore, Santa went on to say that if Snowden should ever return, the power crystal would be the only way to defeat him. W.R Monger on Santa's instructions kept the crystal hidden in a secret containment room somewhere on the testing facility. Sadly, the crystal was ultimately broken into five shards after one of W.R Monger's soldiers fucked if I know his name accidentally knocked over the glass cookie jar which contained the power crystal. The power crystal broke into five magical shards which scattered across the world. W.R Monger never told Santa that the crystal had been broken as he felt no need to do so. He never once thought for one second that Snowden would ever think of returning. Boy was he wrong or what? Through informants and feelers across the world, W.R Monger was able to deduce that the five crystals were located in Empire Bay, New Bordeaux, Walnut Pass, London, and the last one was of course located in the North Pole. Try as they might; the military has never been able to find any one of the five shards. Thankfully, Snowden and his forces were unaware that the crystal had been broken which meant the two armies still had time to find all five shards before it was too late.

Inside a dark and damp snowy cave just north of Santa's workshop, the two armies had decided to hide it out until the effects of the Snowman Mafia's takeover was finally complete. Colonel Dodo lit himself a pipe and seemed to be indifferent about the whole thing. However, other people like Fritz and Slimy Sausage were worried about all the damage that Snowden would bring onto the world. "Giving up?" Dr Neo Cortex asked as he was busy playing with a glass ball. Using the ball, Dr Cortex was able to show our heroes a projection of what was to come should Snowden and his forces not be stopped. Snowden and the Snowman Mafia would indeed conquer the entire universe, and would completely destroy the Earth by eating it like a Walkers Extra Crunchy Crisp. The ball then showed Snowden standing over the universe with flames in the background as he said evilly, "now the universe is ours!" Snowden indeed wanted absolute power. "He never used to be like that." Mother Nature would say. According to Mother Nature, Snowden used to be an idealist, but as time went by his ideals slowly melted away (no pun intended,) and he became a very miserable snowman to be around.

General Asquith was furious about the whole thing. The entirety of the British Armed Forces had turned their back on the general. He no longer held any power, and it was driving dear Asquith up the wall. He don't need no education that Asquith ya know? However, General Asquith always a very stubborn man decided to pin all the blame onto Richard Fatchurd. "This is all your fault!" Asquith yelled at the top of his lungs. "My fault?" Fatchurd asked perhaps a little too arrogantly for a man who trusted a snowman he only knew for six hours. He was just a little too peasant like in his question. Now, General Asquith said, "if you hadn't teamed up with that bastard snowman then none of this would have happened!" "Take it easy on him General." Red M&M said who was busy milking a cow for some reason. Not really sure how and why they were keeping a cow inside a cave in the North Pole. Seems rather cruel if you ask me! "Red's right Asquith. Don't be so hard on dear Fatchurd. Sure he had made a rather rookie error by trusting Snowden, but in his defence old chap it could happen to anyone." Colonel Dodo spoke out. "Oh be quiet Cornelius and help me think of a plan to defeat the snowmen!" General Asquith commanded.

Colonel Dodo gulped heavily. No one had ever mentioned his first name before. This was the first and only time in over 80 years that he had been addressed by it. Even his closest friends in the whole entire world: Captain Hook and Henry Albatross had never addressed him by his first name, He was just a little too respectful. Dodo lit himself a pipe in a starch attempt to calm himself down. Why was Dodo so embarrassed by his first name? Well didn't you hear the tragic story of the demon dodo also known as Cornelis. No? Well that's good because it never happened! Ha ha subverted your expectations then didn't I my bucko? In any case, Captain Hook asked why Dodo had been keeping his first name a secret for so long. "I dunno semantics I guess." Colonel Dodo responded.

Elsewhere, Bob and Bobbie were walking along the lake a few miles away from Santa's workshop. During the walk, Bob gave in completely to his anger. Bobbie had truly never seen her husband so angry before, and upon finding out his reasons for out bursting she finally understood why. Bob basically confirmed to Bobbie that he knows about her affair with Gordy, and that since Halloween, he and Gordy have become really good friends. Gordy was meant to make join forces in the battle against Snowden, but he was busy sorting out some problems in Alaska as thanks to Snowden crime in the country was at an all time high. "I just want things to work out." Bob admitted. At this point, Bobbie finally realised just how much shit she had put Bob through in the last 30 something years. Well it was more like 40 years at this point. You wouldn't know that however since Bobbie always dyes her hair as she didn't like the thought of having grey hair. She couldn't stand the aggravation like some kind of Captain McCluskey. During their walk along the riverbend, Bob talked about the sombre thoughts he had been having ever since the Great Fire of 82. A fire of which he was of course personally responsible for. Bobbie knew all about the fire, but Bob had never felt comfortable to confessing the full story to her. When Bobbie learned that Bob had accidentally destroyed an entire village because of a simple mishap, she cried onto Bob's shoulder. Bob went to go say something else, and this time Bobbie did not interrupt him.

They must have been walking for awhile as they eventually entered a small forest area next to a clearing in Cumberland Falls. While in the forest, the pair continued talking about their aspirations. Bobbie realised that maybe she and Bob should start again. They could renew their wedding vows, and once this whole virus shit clears up they could take their trailer down to the coast. She knew a scuba diver down there named Jim who would happily give the pair the full tour of his expensive yacht. After they pay the initiation fee of $5000 that is. That's a fucking fortune I know! Tired, the pair decided to have a little nap in the very centre of the forest. "Merry Christmas Bob." Bobbie said to which Bob happily responded with, "Merry Christmas Bobbie." Suddenly, one of the trees grew a face and started yapping on about the recent uprise in Xbox 360 sales due to a change in the silicon mass. The tree introduced herself as Grandmother Willow, and she started coughing cough drops to which Bobbie asked, "what's the matter? Need a flavour to favour?" "I got tuberculous. I got it from beating a man to death with my tree branch." Grandmother Willow explained. Many moons ago, Willow beat the shit out of an English explorer who had been sent into the forest on the orders of Governor Ratcliff. During the beat down, the explorer coughed cough drops into Willow's left eye. She didn't think anything of it at the time, but it later transpired that the man had infected her with tuberculous or so she thought.

Grandmother Willow started wheezing as her face became red and contorted. She ended up coughing out a huge purple crystal shard. It was one of the five power crystal shards that was needed to defeat Snowden. Bob picked up the shard and said, "we better take this to Dodo and General Asquith; it looks important." Before departing, Bobbie gave Grandmother Willow a bottle of cough medicine advising her to drink it down like a man on the train eating chips, but what he really wanted was a bottle of ice cold mineral water. Will the bad guys let him have it? I don't know probably. Anyways, Bob and Bobbie left the forest, and made their way back to the ice cavern. The pair explained their wanting to start things over with each other much to the delight of everyone present. Even the miserable Mr Parks squeezed an apple in admiration for Bob. Superintendent Chalmers however was not so easy to please. He puffed on a smelly cigar as he asked Bob who was hiding the crystal shard behind his back, "ah what's that behind your back there?" "Oh you mean this???????" Bob asked in a rather dumb tone which seems rather out of place given the huge emotional scene we just came from. Bob handed the shard over to General Asquith who pulled out a mini microscope in order to view the shard. "Well I'll be damned, by all accounts it appears to be genuine." Asquith said as he handed the shard over to his good friend and ex mentor Dexter Jettster.

Dexter Jettster had enlisted for the British Armed Forces way back in the day, but he was sadly declared unfit for service due to him being a fat fucking alien who loves fish and chips. Don't try the blue beans though he doesn't want you catching a nasty case of salmonella. You're a delightful person reader sorry about the salmonella. Jettster out of spite for the military opened up his own café in Empire Bay and named it after himself. Dexter's Diner is one of the best restaurants in the whole entire city, and he never felt the need to affiliate himself with mobsters in order to get ahead with his enemies. You could tell that even years later Jettster still has out if for the military as he refuses to let soldiers dine in his restaurant. Upon seeing the shard, Jettster proclaimed happily. "well what do you know!? It's a genuine shard of the power crystal." "The what now?" Bob and Bobbie both asked dumbfounded. "Allow me to explain." Jettster explained as he then proceeded to explain the story of the power crystal that I told you about earlier.

After Jettster got done telling his story; General Asquith decided to put aside his hatred for Colonel Dodo, and suggested that the pair work together to find the other four shards of the power crystal. Why hadn't General W.R Monger bothered telling the two armies about the five shards himself? Well because quite frankly he was a rather lazy sod, and it was also mainly because he was taking a nap in a hammock next to Pimping Sanders in this scene. It was quite a beautiful sight to see I'll say! General Asquith and Colonel Dodo then split their crew into four groups. Patrick Star or Saucy Pat as I will continue to refer to him as from now, The Shadow Reader, Slimy Sausage, and incredibly news reporter Gareth Eggplant would be going after the shard which according to a mouse with a severe nose injury was located inside an ice cream factory in Walnut Pass. The ice cream factory supplies ice cream for Goofy Goobers and other ice cream joints across Bikini Bottom.

Meanwhile, Richard Fatchurd, Fritz, and the M&M duo were assigned to find the shard in Empire Bay. Leonard The Spider also volunteered to help them in their search, and the group were more than willingly to take him along with them for the trip. According to informants in the Clemente Family, the shard was located at Freddy's Bar which was owned by Don Alberto Clemente. The third shard was located at the penthouse suite of Salvatore Marcano's casino in New Bordeaux. Sam and Max, Superintendent Chalmers, and General W.R Monger had been assigned to find this particular shard. The fourth and final shard to collect was located inside of Big Ben in London. Colonel Dodo, Captain Hook, Raison Man, and General Asquith were assigned to retrieve this particular shard. According to a mouse with a severe nose injury; this particular shard would be the hardest one to retrieve. So with the groups all picked out; the others were left behind to take back Santa's workshop from Stormella and Leon The Snowman. The Great Christmas Battle had finally began.

Richard Fatchurd, Fritz, the M&M duo, and Leonard The Spider all hitched a ride on Terrence The Tractor to Empire Bay. Arriving in Empire Bay, Fritz wanting to challenge his inner Fred from Scooby Doo suggested that the four spilt up and look for clues. "No offense my friend, but that is a rather lacklustre plan." Fatchurd said. Richard Fatchurd had become a different man since having that chat with the ghosts in part two. Remember that? You better had because there's a test after. Ha! Only joking you should have seen the look on your face. You were so fucking stressed out that your face was even beginning to develop big purple blotches like some kind of Luca Brasi. Yes, Fatchurd had become much more nicer to Fritz. Richard Fatchurd was determined to be the one to kill Snowden as he was after all responsible for letting that bastard take control of the world, The foursome had to be very careful when getting to Freddy's Bar as Snowden had his patrols looking all over the city for the foursome as through his own informant he had become aware of the power crystal being split into five shards. He knew fully well that that those two pricks Asquith and Dodo already had their hands on one of the five shards, the rest was child's play. Oh, he had to get them first even if it kills him!

At Freddy's Bar, the four questioned the bartender Freddy Macchoine if he had seen any crystal shards. Freddy used to run Chips Ahoy cookies out of Canada during the 1960's which is what led to his meeting with Alberto Clemente. The pair became close friends, and once the Chips Ahoy Prohibition came to an end in 1977, Clemente capitalised on Freddy's vast gambling debts in order to buy his bar converting it into a restaurant and meeting place for the Clemente Family. These days, Freddy turns a blind eye to the daily activities of the Clemente Family whilst laundering money from Clemente's various protection rackets. Freddy claimed to have never seen such a thing before after Fritz showed him a picture of the crystal shard. He offered to make the group a bowl of delicious hot pea and ham soup. The foursome agreed as it was rather chilly out. Their attempt if you can even call it that to have a good look around the bar ended up getting interrupted by none other than Don Alberto Clemente himself. Ole Alberto was proper cross! Upon seeing Fritz, Clemente yelled, "there you are!" "Who are you good Sir?" Fritz asked only to get a slap across the face from Clemente who then said, "don't disappoint me again. Now come with me we've got some other business to discuss."

And so, the four were forced to listen to a really boring speech from Clemente until they finally got their soup back from the waiter Johnny Morgan. Johnny Morgan was a big fan of Little Einsteins, and was a possible chewit addict, but this I will have to confirm through my informant in the Clemente Family who just so happens to be a mouse with a severe nose injury. Taking the lid off the boiling hot pea and ham soup, Red grabbed the ladle and stirred the soup around as Yellow said, "hey I think there's something inside there Red." "Yeah I see it too!" Red proclaimed as he started stirring around the large steel pot with his ladle. Eventually, Red ended up accidentally picking Leonard up with his ladle as the spider had been using the soup as a luxury bath. Upon seeing Red and Yellow, Leonard pulled out the power crystal shard from his baseball cap as he asked rhetorically, "who did you expect the Easter Bunny? This isn't a game!" Unfortunately, most of the patrons at Freddy's Bar just so happened to be serious arachnophobes, and upon seeing Leonard they caused a massive riot. Tables were thrown all across the bar, the cash register was ripped apart by Johnny Morgan for some reason, and Clemente managed to escape the chaos by being in the bathroom taking a dump during the whole fiasco. Upon leaving said bathroom, Clemente was horrified to see the state of his restaurant as he saw the foursome making their leave out through the front door. "You assholes!" Clemente yelled as he tried to shoot them with his handgun. "You're gonna die for this!" Clemente yelled once again. Quite a man that Clemente isn't he? Fatchurd was able to escape all of Clemente's guards by hitting them with his humongous belly as the foursome then stole a car belonging to an incredibly wealthy shrew. Good luck giving your hard earned millions to Mickey Mouse now ya old crone! Ooh despicable me!

After a high speed car chase with some of Clemente's goons, the foursome made their way down to the Southport Docks where they found a payphone, and contacted General Asquith. "Excellent work!" Asquith proclaimed as he then continued with, "I just hope the other three shards are as easy to find." Across the sea, Superintendent Chalmers and his cohorts had arrived in New Bordeaux by catching a lift on Terrence. Ole Terrence must be tired, but you wouldn't be able to tell given the fact that his face never once changes. So sad. Anyways, Sam pointed towards Marcano's casino as he proclaimed, "Christmas jolly rogers on a cream cracker donut look at that!" The casino had no guards due to them being on Superintendent Chalmers' friend list on Facebook. The four made their way inside the casino catching the elevator to Don Marcano's casino. Don Marcano seemed to be indifferent about the whole thing. He explained to the four that the entire Marcano Family barring himself had gone to the mattresses in order to avoid any conflict with the Snowman Mafia. Despite practically owning New Bordeaux in it's entirety, Marcano felt that it would be unwise to go after the Snowman Mafia. Especially since; Marcano needed the approval of the Commission to attack Snowden and his crew, and the whole reason for his building this casino was to get out from those worthless fucks on the Commission.

According to Marcano, the power crystal shard used to be at the casino until it was tossed out by an incredibly cynical janitor. The diamond was eventually recovered by a friend of the Marcano Family who personally delivered it to Marcano's country club. Marcano then offered to give the group a lift, and they agreed happily. Upon getting outside of Marcano's casino, the group as well as Marcano were horrified to find Leo Galente and his crew waiting for them. Leo's men were all armed to teeth. For some reason, Chalmers felt like he recognised Leo's chauffeur whose face was hidden by the shadows of the night. Leo Galente said to Chalmers, "hey kid remember me?" "You old bastard! You made me kill Seymour, and then you screwed me over by killing Sabe." Chalmers said to which an all too familiar voice responded with, "are you sure about that?" Chalmers turned to face the driver, and demanded that he come into the light. The driver did just that, and revealed himself to have been Sabe the entire time. Sabe proclaimed, "hey let's start the game!" He then proceeded to give Chalmers a massive bear hug as Sam remarked, "really tugs on the old heart strings don't it Max?" "Gives you a heart attack more like!" Max remarked as Leo went on to offer to give the group a lift to Marcano's country club, and they all agreed happily.

At the country club, Marcano offered to make the group a drink first as he discussed a better work relation with the Commission which Galente was more than happy to help him with establishing for some reason. Also, small side note here; Leo looked really fucking old. Like seriously he aged badly. Leo was so fucking old and crusty that he needed Sam to help him walk up the steep steps towards Marcano's country club. Meanwhile, Sabe and Superintendent Chalmers took a small walk along the boardwalk area just outside the country club. "So what you been up to?" Chalmers inquired as Sabe responded with, "well after the shit that old bastard Leo tried to pull on me, I went on the run to London with my wife and kids. Developed an addiction to Extra Crunchy Crisps and Pepsi." Sabe then went on a long tangent about how Pepsi Man had ruined his life and turned his wife and children into cans of Pepsi. "He turned my children into Pepsi!" Sabe cried at the very top of his lungs. Not long after this incident, Sabe attended therapy with Siggy, and eventually got over his two addictions, and moved to Empire Bay where he got snatched by some of Leo Galente's crew including one of the former federal agents who was meant to kill Sabe during the whole Steamed Hams fiasco many moons ago. In order to avoid execution, Sabe offered to work for Leo as his bodyguard and chauffeur, and the old man was more than happy to take the fat man under his wing. Sabe was tricked by Leo into thinking that Chalmers was long dead after a bar fight up near Hushaby Mountain.

After Sabe's long but meaningful tangent was over, Chalmers ended up discovering the third shard trapped inside Sabe's pants pocket. Chalmers stuck his head in and grabbed the shard with his mouth as his hands were busy dancing on the skyline. Oh what a feeling when we're dancing on the skyline! In any case, after recovering the third shard, Chalmers and Sabe borrowed Marcano's phone in order to inform the others of the good news. Elsewhere, The Shadow Reader and Saucy Pat had managed to get inside the ice cream factory while incredibly news reporter Gareth Eggplant was waiting by the fire exit smoking a cigarette as he was lactose intolerant, and the mere sight of ice cream was enough to make him vomit out eggshells. Saucy Pat then tried his best to get Gareth Eggplant to eat some ice cream, but Eggplant was having none of it as he tried to explain to Saucy Pat that he was lactose intolerant. "Nonsense! Chow on this!" Saucy Pat proclaimed as he shoved a massive handful of vanilla ice cream into Eggplant's mouth. Eggplant gagged violently as he proceeded to run down the streets of Walnut Pass in order to find a restroom. He never made it, and ended up puking and shitting his guts out all over the stationmaster's wife and her bag full of Gregg's sausage rolls. "Just look what you've done to my breakfast! Now I shall have to find some more!" The stationmaster's wife cried in despair as she grabbed Eggplant by the antenna, and forced him to accompany her to Greggs in order to buy some more delicious sausage rolls. Serves him right I say! An eye for an eye!

Inside the ice cream factory, The Shadow Reader, Saucy Pat, and Slimy Sausage ended up making a fucking mess. They got tasty vanilla ice cream all over the damn place and Saucy Pat skated through the ice cream as if it was a winter wonderland. "It's like walking on ice cream!" Saucy Pat proclaimed happily as Shadow attempted to stop the pink starfish from wrecking any more havoc upon the ice cream factory. "Stop this madness now!" Shadow cried as his attempt to tackle Saucy Pat resulted in him falling fast first into a huge blob of strawberry ice cream. Slimy Sausage made his way towards a small containment room which was located on the far side of the ice cream factory. He opened the door to the containment room open, and discovered a massive chocolate river. Slimy dived face first into the river, and discovered that the crystal shard had been dropped in the river by one of the employees at the factory.

Real talk for a sec. The employees of the ice cream factory were horribly mistreated as they were forced to wear large and heavy peanut shaped hats on their heads at all time. They were also forced to always do loads of crack by the CEO of the factory: Stromboli. Stromboli believed that the workers were slacking, and in order to combat this from becoming a regular occurrence he opted to have his employees take in massive doses of crack cocaine so that they are always ready to work. Sometimes, the workers take too much of the stuff at one time which disgusts their mentor HG Well. "I told you to dial it out slowly!" HG Well yelled at the very top of his lungs. HG Well had intended to become the main supplier for Walnut Pass, but then he met the ice cream factory in a dream starring Robbie Williams. Dream a little dream of me. Wink. Shadow and Saucy Pat eventually stopped their fighting upon learning that Ashley Armbruster was sitting inside the strawberry ice cream. She poked her head out from the ice cream as she said, "instead of being pals you're fighting like a cat and a mouse." Ashley then went on to say, "don't you see; fighting isn't what Christmas is all about. It's about family and friends and the hearts that we share." For some reason, Ashley Armbruster's rather mundane emotional speech brought The Shadow Reader and Saucy Pat to tears. The pair then realised that the greatest gift they can give is cheese which has nothing to do with anything.

With four shards under their belt; there was only one last shard to get and it was hidden inside the clocktower of Big Ben in London. Using some of Tinker Bell's fairy dust or some shit, Captain Hook was able to make his pirate ship fly high into the sky. He's got high apple pie in the sky hopes! Using the ship, Hook crashed right into the clock of Big Ben smashing it into pieces in the process. Inside the clocktower, Colonel Dodo and General Asquith were dismayed to learn through a letter from Snowden that the Snowman Mafia had managed to wedge the gears in the tower in four separate places. The final power crystal shard had been used to wedge the tower and they needed to unclog the clocktower in order to retrieve it. Captain Hook tried to shoot the wedges off with his musket, but he ended up falling right on his ass as the gun was far more heavy than he was expecting it to be. "Oh you clumsy donkey you..." General Asquith yelled as Raison Man and Colonel Dodo using a semi automatic rifle were able to hit all the wedges unclogging the clocktower, and giving them access to the final power crystal shard. The end of this nightmare was surly near, but little did Asquith and Dodo know that their adventure was only just beginning.

Back in the North Pole, Bob was delighted to announce that the remaining four power crystal shards had been recovered. "So what we do now?" Queequeg asked. "Look at that!" Ishmael cried at the top of his lungs as Sam Bramsberry entered the ice cave covered in bruises. He was also forced to use two crutches as he had been beaten to a pulp by the Snowman Mafia. Bramsberry was wearing a fake moustache. He removed the fake moustache from his face as he introduced himself; "Special Detective Sam Bramsberry. Sam to my friends on spread to.... oh just call me Sam!" Sam Bramsberry was given a hot cup of cocoa by Bobbie as he proceeded to explain what happened. Basically, after Bob and Bobbie went off for their little chat, Bramsberry attempted to get inside the forces of the Snowman Mafia. Stormella saw through his ruse immediately, and had him beaten to a bloody pulp by her goons. They would have killed Bramsberry, but he managed to overpower them and make his escape. He learned about the gang's location through a mouse with a severe nose injury. That mouse sure gets around doesn't he? Oh well he's the type of mouse who will never settle down! Where did Bramsberry find the two crutches despite being in the middle of nowhere? Haven't got a fucking clue! No Siree I absolutely do not!

Heartbroken over the brutal beating of Bramsberry and the unauthorised actions of Bramsberry; the gang received a visit from Mr West Dickens who offered them a machine gun. The gang bought the machine gun with no questions asked, and using the machine gun they were able to perform an all out assault on Santa's Workshop killing waves upon waves of Stormella's men in the process. Henry Albatross and Sage stormed inside the workshop to finish off the last of Stormella's men. The pair confronted Stormella in Santa's office, but Stormella truly was a coward at heart and decided to use an emergency teleport to escape facing a battle with the pair. "Well that was a bit quick." Sage remarked as he then proceeded to leave through the cat flap. Cat flaps make your teeth go grey! Henry Albatross turned to make his leave only to find Leon The Snowman attempting to creep his way towards the same cat flap that Stormella escaped through. Thinking quickly, Henry Albatross pulled out a hairdryer from his flying hat. By using the hairdryer, Henry Albatross was able to melt Leon who screamed in pain as he was killed. Before leaving the workshop, Henry Albatross went on to free Robot Santa from the closet that Snowden and Richard Fatchurd had kept him hidden inside of all the way back in part one. Remember that? Pepperidge Farm remembers I'll tell you what!

Over in the United States, Snowden was sitting inside the President's oval office at the White House as he was delivered the news of Leon's death by Stormella and Sam The Snowman. There sure are a lot of Sam's in this story aren't there dear? Anyways, Snowden was infuriated when he learned about Leon's death, and he was made even more angry when he learned that Colonel Dodo, General Asquith, and Richard Fatchurd had managed to recover all five power crystal shards. At that moment, Jack Frost came into the office holding a cup of hot Joe as he said, "Snowden those pricks from the North Pole are outside waiting for you to come out and surrender!" Snowden took off his fedora and wiped the sweat from his snowman brow as he said, "well my friends; I'm afraid we have no other options left." Snowden then turned to face Stormella as he said, "Stormella activate the soldiers. It's time to unleash the final phase." "Consider it done." Stormella said as she held her power staff high up in the air and unleashed a series of lighting bolts into the air which caused a massive snowstorm to engulf the White House and surrounding areas.

Over on the streets outside the White House, scarecrows began coming to live and began making their way towards the Resistance. We'll call them the Resistance from now on. Upon seeing said scarecrows, Bob cried, "oh not these things again!" The scarecrows all huddled around Bob and Bobbie but they were both saved by Gaston who unleashed a series of quick fire bullets into the scarecrows killing them instantly. "No one messes with Gaston!" Gaston proclaimed happily. However, Gaston's happiness was cut short when he noticed more and more scarecrows coming from across the sea. Believe it or not the scarecrows were walking on the crystal blue ocean as though it was no real bother to them, but it did bother me and that much is certain. To make matters even worse, the roof of the White House opened up like a small door as Snowden stepped out from it. He wasn't what anyone was expecting. He was now about 9000 feet tall, and his eyes were bright purple. His back had large lumpy ulcers coming out from it which looked the faces of Stormella, Sam The Snowman, and Jack Frost. Snowden had merged himself together with the lieutenants of the Snowman Mafia, and his face now looked deformed and rather nasty. "Where is Fatchurd?" Snowden asked in a demonic voice which also sounded a bit like Darwin Benton my local washing machine dealer, but whatever that's hardly important right now.

At that point, Richard Fatchurd and his cohorts along with the other three teams appeared on the scene and were horrified to see what Snowden had transformed into. "It's just like we feared!" Mother Nature cried as she tried her best to shoot a bolt of magic at Snowden, but it had no effect. Snowden looked at Fatchurd and remarked, "not used to the weather here are you wimp?" Harris appeared having been thawed out of ice by Sam Bramsberry in a deleted scene and shot some AK47 bullets right into Snowden's chest, but they had no effect. Snowden stomped on Harris effectively killing him once again. "Harris!" Fritz cried at the very top of his lungs. "Don't worry Fritz he'll be back he always comes back." Richard Fatchurd said as Snowden began shooting his lasers out from his aforementioned purple eyes which caused major confusion and delay everywhere they went. Snowden rose to become an even taller 20,000 feet as he tried his best to stomp on Fatchurd. "You're just a fucking pawn Fatty when ya gonna learn?" Snowden asked rhetorically as he then continued with, "you think I give a quack about those fools in the Resistance. They're using you Fatchurd just like Aunt Olga used you, just like I used you, and just like that rat fuck Neddie used you." He then continued with, "you were best friends with that piece of shit. Then he turns his back on you like you meant nothing to him." This is what ended pushing Richard Fatchurd past his breaking point.

Richard Fatchurd using the machine gun from earlier unleashed bullet after bullet into Snowden's chest and though they initially had no effect they were starting to do some damage to the monster snowman. "You'll have to do a lot better than that!" Snowden proclaimed as large green snakes shot out from his back and began strangling Sam and Max as well as the Red & Yellow M&M's. Meanwhile, General W.R Monger was shooting his way through waves of the scarecrows with his shotgun. He was providing cover so that Bob and General Asquith could work on combining all five shards of the power crystal. "I don't mean to sound rude but.... CAN YOU TWO HURRY THE FUCK UP WITH THAT POWER CRYSTAL ALREADY?" W.R Monger yelled in the loudest voice you ever did hear. "One last push and ah... perfect." General Asquith said as the five shards were combined in order to finally create the master power crystal. "Crystals of course." Doctor Cortex remarked as the sky started turning a foul orange. "It's the orange night!" Pimping Sanders cried at the top of his lungs as he ran down the street crying like a little bitch. Not so tough are you now Pimping Sanders eh?

A large crack appeared in the sky, and opened up to reveal a portal to Dimension X as Snowden planned on conquering the entire dimension as by doing so he would gain the strength to completely wipe out the universe. Once the universe was wiped out; Snowden would re-create the universe by the means of a Big Bang, and would recreate the entire universe in his image. Dimension X caused the sky to become red like the forest as several horrifying bootleg characters began falling out from it including a horrifying looking Crash Bandicoot and PaRappa the Rapper. "You know there's something you should know so I'm going to tell you so. Don't sweat it forget it enjoy the show." PaRappa began rapping as he danced in the street much to the disgust of Dwayne Pryce and his band of Northwestern alumni. "Oh my God!" Dwayne cried as he was tackled to the ground by Crash Bandicoot. Meanwhile, Snowden crushed the White House into his pieces with his foot as more and more bootlegs fell from Dimension X including demonic SpongeBob and Patrick bootlegs. "Oh great two Patrick's that's just what I need!" The Shadow Reader cried as he attempted to stop himself from getting sucked up into Dimension X as did all of the other characters.

The SpongeBob bootleg was fricking weird, and it's head was circular not square shaped. How incredibly interesting as a sarcastic Viking once said. The thing had large chicken breasts and it kept going on and on about how it needed to look beautiful for Mr Krabs. "You got to look beautiful for Mr Krabs. You got to look beautiful for Mr Krabs." The Mnonster SpongeBob said as the even dumber Patrick responded with, "Patrick me meech u meech u. A Spingebill." Are you okay Bootleg Patrick? Soon buildings and skyscrapers started getting sucked up into Dimension X even Marcano's casino over in New Bordeaux was sucked up into Dimension X much to the horror of Sal Marcano and the delight of that motherfucker Leo Galente. Even the Great Bootleg fell from the sky as it said to Richard Fatchurd, "wanna see something real bad?" "Not right now. We've got saving to do!" Richard Fatchurd proclaimed as he grabbed the master crystal out from General W.R Monger's hands. "Careful with that son it's extremely dangerous!" W.R Monger warned. Fatchurd ate the power crystal which caused his eyes to become blue like Sonic The Hedgehog. The fat man suddenly grew wings, and flew high into the reddened sky as Snowden turned to face him. "Oh Fatty don't you know? I never lose!" Snowden laughed as he shot a laser directly at Fatchurd but he only just managed to narrowly avoid getting hit.

However, Snowden ended up becoming distracted momentarily as the Resistance finally began fighting back against the forces of the Snowman Mafia, residents of Dimension X, as well as the Scarecrow army which Stormella had summoned earlier. W.R Monger and Gaston using their shotguns were able to kill wave after wave of scarecrow until they were eventually all wiped out. Using the machine gun, Saucy Pat and Bootleg Patrick were able to wipe out the reinforcements of the Snowman Mafia which had come all the way from Birkland and Vice City. Snowden regained his senses and was horrified to see Fatchurd using his powers to levitate the residents of Dimension X into the eye. Using his powers, Fatchurd pushed the residents back into Dimension X. While Fatchurd fought off the residents of Dimension X, incredibly rude news reporter Gareth Eggplant (having recovered from the whole vomiting ordeal from earlier), assisted Dallas Coleman with killing the held back reserve of the Snowman Mafia. In truth, the Snowman Mafia was on it's last legs, but Snowden did not care if he lost now he just wanted to kill Fatchurd. He never liked that fat fuck. "Now this my friend I am qualified for!" Dallas Coleman proclaimed as he falcon punched a member of the Snowman Mafia sending him flying all the way up to fricking Jupiter. Not even joking on that one dear reader.

Using all of his magic, Richard Fatchurd was able to send the residents of Dimension X back where they belong, and eventually managed to seal the crack up for good. Meanwhile, the Snowman Mafia and the scarecrows were completely wiped out by the Resistance. However that's when the effects of the power crystal wore off completely. Snowden laughed hysterically when finding this out as he jokingly asked, "good help is so hard to find these days isn't it Rich?" He then continued with, "so you managed to wipe out my Snowman Army, and seal off Dimension X. You know how easy that shit is tor restore? I can make 9000 more snowmen in less than an hour just watch me." Richard Fatchurd closed his eyes. Braising himself for the impact that was sure to follow. Snowden was cut off however when he heard a voice cry out, "stop right there ya snow prick!" "Who called me that?" Snowden asked in an infuriated tone as he turned around to come face to face with none other than Robot Santa who was standing on top of the rubble of the recently destroyed White House. He was holding the black book known as the Olden Guide To Defeating Snowden. Upon seeing said book, Snowden suddenly lost his confidence as he tried his best to get Robot Santa to reconsider. "Come on Santy I'll go away quietly." Snowden pleaded, but it was far too late for him now.

Robot Santa using the book chanted some magic words and was able to fire lighting bolts right at Snowden's chest which caused him to lose his balance. "Benjamin Greenton sends his regards." Santa remarked as he shot one last fatal lighting bolt right at the very heart of Snowden which caused him to scream in pain. Snowden then began twisting and contorting as his skeleton became visible for a brief moment. Eventually. Snowden exploded into a million tiny bite size pieces. The demon snowman was no more. Snowden was dead once and for all. There was no doubt whatever about that. Robot Santa revealed that he had a second super power crystal all the damn time, and he used that to restore balance to the world bringing every thing back to the way it was before Snowden went and fucked everything up. Richard Fatchurd then attempted to apologize to everyone for his mistakes, but instead he was greeted with a massive group hug as Fritz pulled out a Champaign bottle as he proclaimed, "now then whose ready for a party?" Oh and I should probably also mention that Robot Santa reset time so that it was now Christmas morning once again.

The Resistance hitched a ride on Terrence The Tractor back to Bristol. You know something Terrence you really need to start asking for some damn royalties. You can't just be throwing yourself out there for people all willy nilly all the damn time! It's just unseemly! On their way back to Fatchurd Manor, Richard Fatchurd was surprised when he came across an all too familiar face. It was the incredibly fat charity collector from part one. "Merry Christmas Sir!" Richard Fatchurd proclaimed as he pulled the Portly Gentleman in for an Italian style tarantella. "My dear Mr Fatchurd?" The Portly Gentleman asked dumbfounded. "Would you have the goodness in your heart to expect this donation from me as a humble sign of gratitude?" Fatchurd asked as he began whispering a sum into the Portly Gentlemen's ear. No one is quite sure how much Fatchurd offered to pay the Portly Gentleman that fine Christmas morning, but it is known that there were great many back payments included in it. That much is definitely certain I assure you! "My dear Fatchurd I don't know what to say I...." The Gentleman was cut off as Fatchurd interrupted him by inviting him around for Christmas dinner.

At Fatchurd Manor, a massive Christmas dinner was held in Richard Fatchurd's honour which seemed appropriate given the fact that the celebration was being held in his house under his roof after all. So many people came for dinner even people who hadn't been in the Resistance. Rabe Maniels, Mr Walrus, Space Voyager, Queen of Lions, Diamond Rebel, Meet Billy, DaveTheUseless, Ashley Armbruster and Crash Bandicoot and PaRappa who were spared by Fatchurd for some reason. But there's more! Don Vito Corleone, Boris Johnson, Vegetable Man, Bee Bear Hybrid, Moley, Brian The Confused Dot Com Robot, Big Shaq, Sylvester Stallone, and so many more. Even the ghosts of Peck Fex, Omar Suarez, Luca Brasi, Neddie, MT Bar, Bill Sykes, Roscoe and DeSoto, PJ Mole, Greg Blakeman and all the other deceased characters came in ghost form to enjoy the festivities. "Next year we must have this dinner at my house. I insist!" Shadow Reader proclaimed as he handed a plate of roast potatoes over to the ghost of Luca Brasi. "Don Shadow I am honoured and grateful you have invited me into this house on this fine Christmas morning." Luca said as he handed the plate over to Space Voyager and Toad John. Richard Fatchurd ended the dinner off by singing, "The Love We Found," with his friends and family. Even the miserable Moro and Mr Parks joined in with the singing. Harris was also there. Told you he'd come back didn't I? Well actually Richard Fatchurd said that, but whatever the point remains the same regardless. After singing their little song, the ghost of Neddie gave Fatchurd a huge as he said, "you did good Rich you did good." He then proclaimed, "WRECK IT RALPH!" For the first time in forever, Richard Fatchurd had never felt so happy to hear those words and that my friends is truly beautiful.

Richard Fatchurd was better than his word. He became a better man and a better employer for Fritz. He even allowed for Fritz to have days off to see his large extended family in Freedonia. Fatchurd became the true embodiment of the Christmas spirit, and though he has retained his greediness and fat belly he has become a better man in the grand scheme of things. Much to Gordy's delight, Bob and Bobbie renewed their wedding vows in a ceremony with Richard Fatchurd serving as the best man for some reason. The two became much closer, and started travelling the coast together in their trailer with their dog Mr Weenie. Remember him? Fuck that dog man. Colonel Dodo and General Asquith finally amended fences, and became regular players on Fortnite. I heard this year Dodo was going to Asquith's house in Kensington the royal borough up top for Christmas. I hope that's true and not just rumours thrown at me by dashing Daddy Starling.

Ladies and gentlemen; this is sadly the end of it. The end of our epic Christmas adventure. We learned a lot didn't we? We learned the values of friendship. The meaning of the letter M, and so on and so forth. I hope that Richard Fatchurd can remain on the good path as he and Fritz have finally become friends on Facebook. How sweet sorry I've got a little something in my eye. So as our tale draws to a close, I have to say yes they are all idiots in the world of funnypastas, but perhaps that's for the best. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year love from Oliver Charles/Bruno Tattagllia.