The Lynks Review

The Lynks Review is a newsletter that contains lots of information about Lynks. Due to her paranoia, Anne is subscribed and reads it often.

## Transcription

Thank you to Reddit user perhapsaprince for transcribing most of the newsletters! (x)

### *The Lynks Review #25, May 13th. 00437 R135.*

[photo of gloved hand?] All the news that's fit to . . . . LYNKS!

*Lynks Links:* Credit card fraud! Ever considered it? Our experts "weigh" in on the pros and cons of committing credit card fraud. It's time to SHINE with your skin out and your hair in the wind. Go in depth to find out what kinds of qualities your body could have.

*Lynks Looks:* 10 Easy Ways to kill yourself or your loved ones when Lynks Disease becomes too much to handle. Supple hands are a MUST for Lynksers. We review our favorite weird creams that you could rub together in your hands.

"Lynks Disease has always been too much for me to handle" - Oscar Wilde.

New symptoms! That's right Lynksers, you may have thought you knew everything there was to know about your Lynks Special Abilities but you have just cracked the tippy tip of the iceberg and we are here to show you all that you have to offer! Wet, heavy, small, or whatever have you, there are all kinds of ways to Lynks Out and keep it cool. Read on to find out more about you! Scope out the new handwriting in our ALL HANDS issue! Are you self-conscious about your Lynks-writing? We've got you covered with new letter forms that will have your note recipients reeling and reading on! Curly or straight, every letter gets the Lynks Treatment in this ALL HANDS issue. PLUS get the inside-the-walls story on the new Lynks Gloves by LRG. They haven't even hit the hands of the runway but they've hit our hands in our office and I'm wearing them RIGHT NOW while I type this HANDS issue and let me tell you they feel fucking GOOD as FUCK and I feel like I am a million miles away from this office and this computer and this stupid internet and all my "friends" and I'm just alone floating in space.

### *The Lynks Review #34, October 9th. 00437 R189.*

[photo of art mannequin limp in hand] All the news that's fit to . . . . LYNKS!

*Lynks Links:* did you ever feel like you are the only one in your family who has Lynks Disease? You're not alone! Grueling Winter Approaches: What are you going to do about it? Are you in the basement? Wha is in the basement?

*Lynks Looks:* This season's newest sweatshirts and sweatpants just arrived! Hold hands with comfort! Card tricks even Lynksers can pull off! Surprise those you love!

"Lynks Disease. Can't Lynk with it. Can't Lynk without it." - Grover Cleveland.

This month we're celebrating Lynksers' Special Attributes with all new recipes, advice, games, fashion, puzzles, diagrams, swimsuit issue, index, table of contents, ceiling, floor, oil, survey, pop culture quiz, distinct odor, maleable surface, dog costume, alertness, test, finger, thumb, finger, hand, long hair, short hair, fingernail, inner ear, tooth, and much much more! Lynks Weddings! Should they? Our experts weigh in. Did you ever imagine what it would be like to be invited to a Lynks Wedding? That may sound like a fairy tale waiting to happen but it's real business when it comes to Lynksers and their Wedding Mates. We asked our favorite Wedding Lynksers what they had to say about their special day - their Won't and Will Won't, their To Definitely Do's and their Don't Even Lynks About It's! And also - which STARS did the wedding? You can look up into our STAR FILLED SKY and see what you'd have if you were to be the one getting all wed up and then gotten into the Lynks Way. What to wear and what to tell them when they see you wearing it.

### *The Lynks Review #43, February 2nd. 00437 R204*

[photo of arm with tourniquet and IV] All the news that's fit to . . . . LYNKS!

*Lynks Links:* [Next to picture of a mallet on a keyboard? Unreadable. Gear... gear.... out.... small inside a working] Take our Lynks Test Are You Now quiz and see what kind of Lynkser you are! This is as good as a real doctor's diagnosis so buckle up.

*Lynks Looks:* Even More Ways to Tighten the Skin Around Your Fingernails. Our special Guest Editor takes us on a tour ???? rooms. ??? See what Common Man ????

"If I didn't have Lynks I don't know what I'd do, but it wouldn't be this." - Charlie Chaplin.

Welcome to another issue of The Lynks Review. All the news that's fit to . . . LYNKS! We are so happy this issue to have a guest editor who, although they wish to remain anonymous, is very well known among you Lynksers and should give you a special feeling that only you can describe and never quite fully. It's a great honor to have this SPECIAL PERSON on board and I think you'll all notice a distinct different, not only in the issue itself, but in certain tastes and smells you might experience around the time of publication. Enjoy! It's HALLOWEEN in FEBRUARY here at the Lynks Review! Spook Out! Here at LR HQ we have the heebie jeebies and we're not taking no for an answer! Carve a gourd and drink some blood in our Hoary Mansion! Shake "hands" with Master Skellington! See if you can hide from the weebling in our Pencil Maze! It's all on the back page and it's all in good fun because it's Halloween in February! Halloween in February! Halloween in February! Halloween in February! Yes, Halloween in February is here. It's not even fall but that's not stopping us from celebrating Halloween! If you think we're kidding just check the back page! It unequivocably proves I'm right so see for yourself.

### *The Lynks Review #57, June 23rd. 00437 R223*

[photo of balloons] All the news that's fit to . . . . LYNKS!

*Lynks Links:* Head collapse? It's NOT just for Lynksers! We go underground to find out why someone else's head might collapse. Answers: Could a Lynkser ride a HORSE? Is it safe to mow the lawn with a Lynkser around? We have the Questions AND the Answers!

*Lynks Looks:* Get the LYNKS out! We took our Lynksers outside into the sun ?? is what happened ?? might surprise you. ???? ?????

"The mystery of Lynks Disease is not what it isn't, but what it is." - Zora Neale Hurston.

Happy Birthday Lynks Disease! In this issue we celebrate everything Lynks and everything Birthday from placenta to grave. But age is just a number so count it up, Lynksers! How many numbers have you accrued? We asked out favorite Lynksers how long they've lived and how long they think they'll continue to live for and their answers have us lighting candles! PLUS - how to celebrate your Lynksday with grace and stamina in the face of knowing too much. Did you unplug the fridge? Things Lynksers forget to do. Forgetfulness is one of the most nagging conditions that Lynksers face in the day-to-day. Where is someone? Is it night or day? Did I remember to listen to my record today? What am I under? We've all been there, and not much can be done, OR CAN IT? Now it can! Simply photocopy and use our Lynkser's Daily Checklist to make sure you have all the answers you need "on hand" and ready to go. Already hid this morning? Check it off! No more hiding twice. Plus we give you ample room for note-taking. You won't know how you lived without The Lyncer's Daily Checklist and Note Area!

### *The Lynks Review #79, September 1st. 00437 R372*

[photo of hand touching stove] All the news that's fit to . . . . LYNKS!

*Lynks Links:* Cover your skin the easy way with a new thick spread that you WON'T see in any store! Trend alert! Don't let fall keep you wrapped up and immobile! We explain how to perform this season's hottest arm movements.

*Lynks Looks:* Whisper to yourself in your room, cook for yourself in the kitchen, watch yourself on tv, write about yourself in your diary. Tips to keep you ?? calm even during a time of ????

"With or without us, it never goes away." - Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

As Lynksers we are all bound together with a thing strand of the universe. It runs through us and we can never stop feeling each other. How will your connection to other Lynksers affect you this Holiday Season? Start prepping now with our Four Month Plan 4 Success! Don't let your Lynks paralyze you with oversensation when you're trying to feel the warmth of your loved ones' breath. We promise if you follow these simple steps you will have the smoothest transition into NEW YEAR that you've exer Lynksperienced! Head first and lie down! Lynksers tell us how they relax. Sometimes Life with Lynks can feel like a constant battle with forces bigger than any of us are prepared to contend with. It can feel like a heavy weight on your chest, a literal feeling of heaviness on you that doesn't go away no matter what direction your body is aligned in. Sometimes it's just the taste of metal in your mouth. We've all been there. What was it like before? Did we always feel this way? Time stretches forwards and backwards and out in every direction and so does Lynks. It covers our mouths and eyes and there is no longer before or after. Am I the air? Have I ever felt anything, what is anything, what is is