Fake TPOT 24: It Was a Very Good Year/part 4

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"**It Was a Very Good Year**" is the non-canon twenty-fourth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 6 March 1981. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. This episode was previously known by two titles based on the lyrics of a song heard in it: "**May We All Have Our Host, BFDI**" and "**If We Don't, We Might Well Lose BFDI**".

Author's note: Yeah, this takes place after the voting screen.

Author's note #2: And there's a special musical guest! Four of them, actually!

Next episode: "A Cheese Puff"

## Before midnight

[**Two** *uses all their power to turn the dark room into the front half of a very large mansion, with an extremely large stage in the middle. (Think of Kenan Thompson's house in* iParty with Victorious*.) There are also a large number of phone boxes lined up against the wall. Everyone pogs in excitement as this hidden house is revealed to the sound of a 10-part brass fanfare.*]

* **Two**: [*Aside.*] Oh, hey, it worked! [*Aloud.*] Welcome to ***Two's Party Huis!***
* **F****r****i****e****s**: *Huis*, is that Dutch?
* **Two**: Nope!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: [*to Puffball*] Liar. It's totally Dutch.
* **Two**: This is where you will all spend your last moments of the year!

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Two, whose house did you steal?
* **Two**: Nobody's! See, I've got this friend who is very interested in building design, and they helped me turn my gym/cosmetology centre/handle store/library/numerology school/film set–like duel zone/farmer's market into the grooviest place on the whole planet, which shall be referred to by one name and one name only: The Party Huis.

[*Everyone cheers.*]

* **Two**: Serves me right for giving it such a long name in the first place, eh?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Why didn't you ask my wife for design advice? She's excellent at these kinds of things!

[*Two falls on the floor laughing.*]

* **Two**: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You know very well what my answer to your question will be, you silly little time device. [*reaches over*]
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Don't you ticking dare touch my clock ha—whoa! [*Two moves Clock's hands forward a little. By now, everyone has got into the spirit and is scattered around the building.*]
* **Two**: That should do it. Have fun, everyone! [*Exit.*]

### **Two's Party Huis**

**Scene**A collection of miscellaneous scenes of the contestants having a party. Imagine it as a continuous flow of events taking place just before midnight. Disco music plays in the background. To think that the episode could have ended several sentences before this.
#### 60 minutes to midnight

[*23:00.* **Basketball** *and* **Puffball** *stand/float around a crystal fruit bowl. Coiny and Saw are drinking apple juice in the background.*]

* **Puffball**: Poor crystal fruit bowl. So elegant, yet so lacking in, you know, *fruit*.
* **Baske****t****ball**: What are you talking about, Puffball? Of course there's fruit! I mean, it should be coming here in about five... four... three... two...

[*A bunch of grapes fall from the ceiling. They are noticeably smaller than grapes normally are.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh.
* **Puffball**: Small grapes.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yes, I can use them to my advantage!
* **Puffball**: Just be prepared for *some* of your wishes to be fulfilled tonight.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yeah, we should have done this at 11:11. Oh well! Since I'm so bouncy, it'll look like they're bigger than they seem!
* **Puffball**: Where'd you even get those anyway?
* **Baske****t****ball**: I ordered them.

[*Beat.*]

* **Puffball**: I didn't know you could do that here.

[*Meanwhile, near the centre of the building,* **Pen** *is still lying on the ground, his eyes still spiralling from Snowball's noise from hours earlier.* **Black Hole**, **Remote** *and* **Lightning** *take notice.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: This is awful; it's like he's dead! Now he'll never join me for the hiatus!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Because that's totally the issue here. /s

[*Black Hole slaps Tree. Yes.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Come to yourself, soldier. Pen is either in a daze, because no one's paid him any attention yet, or because Snowball roared in his face. Such an effect can last for days without proper treatment.

[*Lightning whistles but stops when he notices his friends looking at him.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: What?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think Black Hole has a plan.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But you might not like this, so, maybe close your ears, Tree.
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, please, I can take it. Don't forget, I was a widower at 28.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: 'Kay, then. [*floats over to Pen*] Pen.
* **P****en**: [*immediately gets up*] *Yeah!*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Have I ever told you how nice you look in a supine position?
* **P****en**: Yay.

[*Tree takes Black Hole aside.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Okay, you've complimented him, but could you please not do it like that? He'll think you're the one who fancies him.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*imitating Tree*] Oh, puh-lease. [*as himself*] Everyone here knows earth objects, are not my type. Right, Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Totally.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Say, how about we go and make that Death Preventers' Faction merch?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It would be my robotic pleasure.

[*Exeunt* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote** *together, leaving the three guys behind.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*awkwardly*] I've got to go too. [*floats away*]
* **T****r****e****e**: Pen, how come you didn't break when all those people were walking over you?
* **P****en**: I've been working out. [*points at his non-existent biceps*] *Bam!*
* **T****r****e****e**: Yeah, sure... But when I snapped you all those years ago (and I'm still sorry for that, by the way), you went *kkkkh*.
* **P****en**: Oh. Must be 'cause you're so big and strong, Tree. [*squeezes his arm*] Makes you look real cool, as a matter of fact.
* **T****r****e****e**: Ooh, that's— I mean, I've got to, er, what's it, "43 skidoo" or whatever they call it.

[*Exit* **Tree**.]

* **T****r****e****e**: Frick, he knows something for once!

#### 51 minutes to midnight

[*23:09. By the phones, with* **Winner**, **Battery** *and* **Donut**. **Two** *sits—no, more like reclines—on top of the phones as though they were posing for a painting.* **Book** *is on the phone in the background.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Oh, hey, Taco! It's been, what, nine years?
* **Winner**: Hello, Two.
* **Two**: Yessss?
* **Winner**: We've got a question for you.
* **Donut**: You're always so reluctant to let us celebrate on air.
* **Two**: Mm-hmm!
* **Donut**: But when it comes to New Year's Eve, and especially this New Year's Eve, you suddenly let us flip our lids and do whatever we want.
* **Two**: Well, let me answer your statement with a question.
* **B****atter****y**: Question authority, yeah!
* **Two**: What episode are we in right now?
* **Winner**: Twenty-four.

[*Donut hangs up the phone.*]

* **Two**: And how many contestants are still in the game?
* **Winner**: Er... don't tell me...
* **Donut**: Twenty-four?
* **Two**: Exactly! We're halfway through the series, and I want to make it up by throwing you lot the celebration of the year!
* **Donut**: Wow, that's actually... kind of clever. BFDIA didn't have that, did it?
* **Winner**: No, I don't think so. What about BFB?
* **Donut**: Nope.
* **Two**: Oh yeah, and there's another reason.
* **B****atter****y**: What's that?
* **Two**: Twenty-four. Take the tens and ones digits apart from each other and you get two... and then another two... to the power of two!
* **B****atter****y**: Whoa, that's trippy, dude.
* **Winner**: Are you on apple juice, Two?
* **Two**: If I am, don't stop me now.

#### 49 minutes to midnight

[*23:11.* **Nickel** *is standing near the core U group:* **Naily**, **Price Tag**, **Basketball** *and* **Clock**—**Puffball** *is with them too. Nickel is giving himself a pep talk, and he is wearing a bowtie made out of pasta.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: [*Aside.*] Alright, Nickel. It's 11:11, Cloudy's gone, and your last wish of the year better come true. But only if she accepts you, now... remember the Cowboy Code. You've got this, man!

[*He walks over to U.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: [*Aloud.*] Oh, hey guys!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Hi!
* **N****a****ily**: What goes on?
* **Nic****k****el**: Um, Naily. Can I steal you for a sec?
* **N****a****ily**: Sure.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Be back soon, we still need a good name for the new generation. [*Exeunt* **Nickel** *and* **Naily**.] How about *Millennials*?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Haha, I don't think that'll ever catch on!

[*Meanwhile...*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Here's good, heh.
* **N****a****ily**: Easy there, Nick, you sound *and* look like those needy—*need-wanting* guys on those silly dating shows Taggy talks a great deal about.
* **Nic****k****el**: I'm sorry, but I've got to get this out of my system somehow.
* **N****a****ily**: Okay.
* **Nic****k****el**: [*takes a deep breath*] Naily, I like you. Like, *like* like you. And I was thinking, before we part ways tomorrow... would you like to go out with me for breakfast? You know, just the two of us.
* **N****a****ily**: Nicholas Jefferson, are you asking me out on a date? Like... *romance?*
* **Nic****k****el**: So is that a yes?
* **N****a****ily**: I think that's very nice and all, but you should know that I've already got a boyfriend: David.
* **Nic****k****el**: Huh. David, as in *David?*
* **N****a****ily**: Mm-hmm.
* **Nic****k****el**: Slightly-greyish David... with arms?
* **N****a****ily**: Mm-hmm!
* **Nic****k****el**: The one who goes "Aw, seriously?" David?
* **N****a****ily**: Mm... no, actually. David Mason, back home. My dad thinks he's a perfect match just 'cause our families are in the same business. I don't know if I should be telling you this, but he can't even tell a nail from a screw!
* **Nic****k****el**: Ohhhhhh. So he's real.
* **N****a****ily**: I thought everybody knew.
* **Nic****k****el**: [*disappointed*] Not me!
* **N****a****ily**: Yeah, well... [*Pause.*] This is a bad time, isn't it?
* **Nic****k****el**: Kind of.
* **N****a****ily**: Look, Nickel, I can still be friends with guys while I'm with one. Is that... er... okay with you? We mates?
* **Nic****k****el**: Mm.

[*Nickel walks away, saddened for the second time today.*]

#### 40 minutes to midnight

[*23:20. Some of The Alefs are gathered together, namely* **Pin** *and* **Saw**. **Coiny** *and* **Gaty** *are on opposite sides of the scene, drinking juice away from the others.*]

* **P****i****n**: Well, this is awkward.
* **S****aw**: Aw, I was sure they'd be friends by now!
* **P****i****n**: Really? Coiny's more of the stubborn type.
* **S****aw**: Now that I think about it, so is Gaty.

[*Pin and Saw sigh at the same time.*]

* **S****aw**: Hey, Pin.
* **P****i****n**: Yeah?
* **S****aw**: Remember when we choreographed that talk with the Quarrelling Quuo in the spring?
* **P****i****n**: The one where we told Coiny and Gaty we'd be very disappointed if they did not make up by the new year?
* **S****aw**: Yes, that talk!
* **P****i****n**: Want to bring it up to them?
* **S****aw**: Sure! I'd love to talk to G***8***y about the first time my handle turned red!
* **P****i****n**: Then let's go! [*Beat.*] Wait... *Quarrelling Quuo*?
* **S****aw**: *Quarrelling Duo* didn't have that nice ring to it.
* **P****i****n**: You could have said *Duelling Duo*!
* **S****aw**: Oh *yeah*, I like that better!

[*Pin and Saw approach Coiny and Gaty, respectively.*]

* **[** **P****i****n** · **S****aw** **]**: Hey, **[** Coiny! · Gaty! **]**
* **[** **Co****i****ny** · **G****at****y** **]**: Not now, honey.

[*Pin and Saw regroup in the middle.*]

* **[** **P****i****n** · **S****aw** **]**: Well, that didn't work.
* **P****i****n**: And since when did Coiny like the word *honey*? Anyway, I think we need someone neutral, like a mediator or something.
* **S****aw**: That's a gr***8*** idea! [*walks over to the pay phones*] Now all we need is a mediator service that's open on the night of a global holiday!
* **P****i****n**: [*sees Nickel*] I've got a better idea. *Hey, Nickel!* Can you come over here? We might need you for once!
* **Nic****k****el**: What is it?
* **P****i****n**: You're friends with Gaty and Coiny, right?
* **Nic****k****el**: I barely talk to 'em.
* **P****i****n**: Can you get them to talk to each other? That is, with us behind them, but not too much in the background.
* **S****aw**: We don't want it to be too pushy.
* **Nic****k****el**: I can try. [*whistles*] *Soooo-WEE!*

[*Coiny and Gaty walk over.*]

* **G****at****y**: Omg, Nickel, this isn't Goikjanska Yugoslavia. We are not village pigs.
* **Co****i****ny**: Or country bumpkins.
* **Nic****k****el**: I think it's time y'all learned to get along.

[*Nickel turns around and Pin and Saw nod at him. Pin gestures for him to go on.*]

* **G****at****y**: Why'd you turn around like that?
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh, nothing. I was just wondering why you two became enemies in the first place.
* **G****at****y**: You can't just squeeze personal information out of some people like that! But you can out of me, the ironically open yard-fastener. Let me tell you a story.
* **Co****i****ny**: And I'll interrupt.
* **G****at****y**: It all started in episode 1—
* **Co****i****ny**: *Boooooooo!*

#### 34 minutes to midnight

[*23:26.* **Basketball** *stands next to the phone boxes.* **Price Tag**, **Clock** *and* **Puffball** *are next to her.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Hey, where's Naily?
* **Puffball**: I heard her crying in the WC. Anyway, Basketball, you're looking a little edgy. Not, like, *bad-bad* edgy, but, like, *okay-bad* edgy.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Is there another way to be edgy? And ugh, I can't help it! I'm supposed to be getting a call from the Filing Cabinet any time soon! What's taking them so long?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Money. The answer to everything is money, money, money. Must be funny in a rich man's world.

[*The phone rings.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: I got it! [*picks up the phone with her foot*] Hello? TV and/or Robot Flower?

[*A faint female voice can be heard on the other end.*]

* **Voice**: *Allô, qui est-ce? J'appelle pour Clock.*
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, oh, I'm sorry. [*puts the phone down for a bit*] Someone's saying your name, Clock, and they're speaking French with a Micronesian accent.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Oh, shoot, it's for me. [*takes the phone*] *Allô, ma petite île...*
* **Puffball**: How do you know what a Micronesian accent sounds like?
* **Baske****t****ball**: I watch TV. Speaking of TV, *when the heck's he calling?*
* **Puffball**: In six, five, four...
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, PB, it ain't gonna work this time.

[*The phone rings. Basketball pogs.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: I got it again! [*picks up the phone*] Hello, who's speaking?
* **T****V**: [*as Firey*] I think TV.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Nice try, but Firey and Leafy are taking a break from modern technology. Is this TV for real?
* **T****V**: [*text to speech voice*] Guess again.

[*Split screen view of Basketball on the left and TV and Robot Flower on the right. They are in the Filing Cabinet.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Ah, hi, TV!
* **Puffball**: He's on the line?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yep!
* **Puffball**: Tell him I said hi. [*floats away*]
* **Baske****t****ball**: Puffball says hi.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: And Robot Flower!
* **Baske****t****ball**: RF, you're there too?
* **T****V**: We share a room together.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, cool. I wish I was there, I mean, not that I'd want to be eliminated from TPOT or anything, but... what's going on with you?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: We're just watching you.
* **T****V**: On me.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: The footage on the hotel TVs isn't as high quality as on this guy right here.
* **T****V**: Oh, stop it, you. /j No yeah, Basketball, I'm calling you because I noticed two things.
* **Baske****t****ball**: What's that?
* **T****V**: Those grapes are tiny. You're really going to eat those, aren't you?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Why not!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Ha! Ha! Ha!
* **Baske****t****ball**: They still count; don't laugh at me all staccato-like! Anyway, what was the second thing?
* **T****V**: Uh, Is Tennis Ball or Golf Ball there?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Why, do you want to talk to them?
* **T****V**: Sure.

[*Basketball gets the attention of Tennis Ball and Golf Ball, who are the beginning of a conga line.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: It's for you.
* **Golf Ball**: A phone call? For us?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Orpha refuses to call us during filming; she finds it awkward that Two might be surveilling us.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Just listen, huh?

[*Basketball foots over the phone to the two of them, who listen together.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Hello?
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Hi, TB! Hi, GB!
* **T****V**: We're back.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Hello, TV, Robot Flower.
* **Golf Ball**: What's the big news?
* **T****V**: Rag In won.
* **Golf Ball**: *Yes!* I mean... good game, Tennis Ball.
* **T****V**: You seriously didn't know? The election ended, like, two months ago. You just got your ballots late.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: This is what happens when you try to vote past the deadline.
* **Golf Ball**: [*at the camera*] *Nothing!* Don't vote after voting has ended, people!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: [*on the phone*] Is she being meta again, TV?
* **T****V**: It appears so.

#### 30 minutes to midnight

[*23:30.* **Tree** *sits on the dance floor a bit awkwardly as* **Aresko** *and* **Puffball** *dance around him.* **Pen** *and* **Fries** *are sitting at the table in the background.*]

* **Puffball**: Whee!
* **Ar****esko**: I'm doing the orbit-around-Tree dance.
* **Puffball**: It's the only thing we can do with you around. No offence, but you're kind of a party pooper.
* **T****r****e****e**: No, it's fine. Oh, hey, Aresko, can we talk?
* **Ar****esko**: Sure! Just let me... [*sits down, a bit dizzy*] balance.
* **T****r****e****e**: You alright?
* **Ar****esko**: Totally fine.
* **T****r****e****e**: Got it. So... you know how I'm a little fond of Pen, right?
* **Ar****esko**: *A little* fond? You're the only person I know who's recorded how many people he's called buddy.
* **T****r****e****e**: Over two thousand.

[*Aresko raises an eyebrow*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Anyway, I was thinking about taking him home for the hiatus. What do you think?
* **Ar****esko**: Oh, great! It's always nice when foreigners have a look at our real country, not that *Bacon Flight* stuff.
* **T****r****e****e**: Hey, that was a good film.
* **Ar****esko**: No, you're right. So what do you want to show him?
* **T****r****e****e**: I told him, anywhere that's not got any grumpy dads.
* **Ar****esko**: I reckon you're out of the picture then.
* **T****r****e****e**: Aha! [*waving a finger at him*] That's a good one there, mate.
* **Ar****esko**: Want to go for some water?
* **T****r****e****e**: [*imitating Pen*] Boy howdy, that'd be *awesome!*

[*Exeunt* **Aresko** *and* **Tree**, *laughing. Meanwhile,* **Puffball** *is dancing by herself. Enter* **Fries**.]

* **F****r****i****e****s**: Hi.
* **Puffball**: Hellooooooo, Friiiiiiiies!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: You're looking psychedelic.
* **Puffball**: It's the end of the year. This is just me having fun! [*a rainbow appears around her*]
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Okay, now you're glowing.
* **Puffball**: Come on, Fries, don't tell me you don't want to enjoy the wonderful power of dance too!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Well, there's this new move all the kids are doing these days. Don't think anyone with eyes would benefit from seeing me do it, though.
* **Puffball**: Do it!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Oh, fine, alright. But if this becomes passé in '81, I'm blaming you.

[*Fries begins to do the dance he does at the end of the unboxing video.*]

* **Puffball**: Woohoo, now you've got it!
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Hey, this is *leuk*.
* **Puffball**: Fun, you say?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: Yeah, that's the word. I keep forgetting!

[*Fries attracts a small crowd who cheer him on.*]

#### 21 minutes to midnight

[*23:39.* **Donut** *is still hanging by the pay phones with* **Clock**. **Winner** *and* **Battery** *dance with one another in the background.* **Book** *is still on the phone with Taco.*]

* **Bo****ok**: Woody's already on his way to getting his PhD? Ah, congrats, Mama!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*on the phone*] *Je t'aime plus.* [*Pause.*] *Non, je t'aime encore plus!* Okay, goodbye, *nga lungse kom!* [*Subtitles: Kosraean for "I love you".*]

[*Donut looks at him confused.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Social scripts, man. [*Exit.*]

[*The phone rings.* **Donut** *picks it up.*]

* **Donut**: Hello? [*Pause.*] Oh, I'll get him.

[*Donut puts down the phone and rolls his eyes. Meanwhile,* **Coiny** *and* **Gaty** *are seated, trying to have a moderated conversation.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Because you are *so* anti-W.O.A.H. Bunch, it's not even funny.
* **G****at****y**: You've said that, like, eleventy-seven times already.
* **Co****i****ny**: Well, that's the only reason I don't like you... right? [*turns around and rubs his head*] Frick, I'm on apple juice; I shouldn't be doing this now!
* **P****i****n**: It's fine, just breathe.
* **G****at****y**: Um...

[*Enter* **Donut**.]

* **Donut**: Hey, er, Coiny, there's someone calling you.
* **Co****i****ny**: I'll be right back! [*salutes Pin*]
* **Nic****k****el**: So... I guess my work here is done?
* **S****aw**: Sorry, Nickel.
* **Nic****k****el**: [*sigh*] And with the wind... I'm gone.

[*Exit* **Nickel**. *Meanwhile, at the phones.*]

* **Donut**: You'd better hurry, Coiny. He sounds angry.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*picking up the phone*] Hello? [*Pause.*] Oh, Principal (Name)! Happy New Year! [*Pause.*] What is it? [*Pause.*] And you're waiting till now to call me. I'm at a party, mister! [*Pause.*] Yeah, it's called Two. I'm on the world's strongest, longest game show, you know. [*Pause.*] So... what's going on with Lincoln? [*Pause.*] Uh-huh. [*Pause.*] Huh-huh. [*Pause.*] *What?* [*Pause.*] No, no! I- I- I don't have time for this, you've got to understand! Gaty hates me, I'm out of my head and... why, why don't you just talk to my mother, the, the kindly ancient woman Pin and I left our kids with, okay? [*Pause.*] J- bye.

[*Coiny hangs up.*]

* **Donut**: Your son is named Lincoln?
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah, why?
* **Donut**: I thought he's called Lyndon.
* **Co****i****ny**: Well, we changed it a year after he dropped out of the race. And besides, someone has to carry on the family name!
* **Donut**: Lincoln Lincoln. Okay.
* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, you know, Lincoln Lincoln is a good name! I even t- told him that our sixteenth president did absolutely nothing wrong because we're descended from him; it's a, it's an historical, a historical name and we've got to honour that in our family, e- even if it means fighting back, damn it! I mean, the nerve of some people to call that bullying and call his parents about it on the night of New Year's Eve and that's... that's... it's exactly what I've been doing to... Ga—*frickity frick frick!*

[*Pause.*]

* **Donut**: I think you owe someone an apology.
* **Co****i****ny**: Sorry, Donut.

[*Donut physically turns Coiny around to face Gaty, who is still sitting with Pin and Saw.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Oh... you mean her. Can you juice me first?
* **Donut**: *No!*

#### 15 minutes to midnight

[*23:45.* **Aresko** *has joined* **Fries** *on the dance floor as* **Tree** *and* **Pen** *sit at the tables.* **Puffball** *and* **Basketball** *are in the background. Pen sighs loudly and longingly.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: What is it now? You're not exactly known for being quiet.
* **P****en**: It's just... it would be so cool if Eraser was here right now. He loves a good party. Gee, if this were twenty years earlier, I'm sure he'd grab his old biker crew, they'd tear the place down, and I'd be the one sitting and watching and helping to pay for the damage. But now he's gone, and then there's me, and I've got to go back home and be just about the loneliest fellow around.
* **T****r****e****e**: Pen, you don't have to be alone. Remember when I sort of invited you on a tour of my body—er, country?
* **P****en**: You serious about that?
* **T****r****e****e**: Mm-hmm. If you're so cut up over being in that dreary edifice you call home, why don't you come inside, erm, with me? We'll have as much fun as you want, and I'll even pay for everything. [*Aside.*] That shouldn't be hard to do. /s
* **P****en**: Boy, you'd really do that for me?
* **T****r****e****e**: Why not? It's my treat, and certainly not the first one I'll give you.
* **P****en**: Thanks awfully, Tree, you're the best! [*hugs him tight*]
* **T****r****e****e**: [*surprised*] Oh. [*blushes*] Someone's happy.
* **P****en**: I'm off to the dance floor. You coming?
* **T****r****e****e**: In fifteen minutes or so, I hope.
* **P****en**: A'ight, man, I gotcha.

[*Exit* **Pen** *as Tree watches him wink and give him the finger guns. Enter* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote** *with a bunch of merchandise. They look excited.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We actually did it. All by ourselves.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We'll be selling this stuff the whole hiatus through. Look.

[*Black Hole shows Tree a shirt with words on it. He reads it.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: "Death Preventers' Faction: 'Cause you don't need a fancy name to prevent death." The slogan's catchier than the name.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That's the point.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So what's with you?
* **T****r****e****e**: I've got a flight mate for tomorrow, a Mr. Tall, Dumb and Handsome.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeet. That's exciting.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So you've got your New Year's wish.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*sigh*] Not yet. Sure he's going to Australia with me, but that doesn't mean I'll be the first thing he looks at in the first minute of the year. Or... the first *few* minutes of the year.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You steadfast bowling lover.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: To quote Lightning, "Which will you be doing for the first minutes of the year?"

[*They all laugh.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Wait, where is Lightning?

#### 10 minutes to midnight

[*23:50.* **Price Tag**, **Tennis Ball** *and* **Golf Ball** *are standing by the pay phones (while* **Book** *is in the background). One of them rings. Enter* **Nickel**.]

* **Nic****k****el**: I got it!
* **Golf Ball**: How do you know it's for you?
* **[** **Nic****k****el** · **P****ri****c****e Tag** **]**: **[** I just know. · He just knows. **]**
* **Nic****k****el**: [*picks it up*] Hello?

[*Nickel begins to smile as we see who is on the other side through a split-screen view:* **Balloony** *is holding the phone for* **Cloudy**. **Rocky** *and* **Cake** *are watching some sort of New Year's special on the television.*]

* **Cloudy**: Nickel!
* **Nic****k****el**: Cloudy! Hi! I can't believe I'm talking to you.
* **Cloudy**: Well, believe it, because this phone can call anywhere. I've collected about fifty countries in the last hour!
* **Nic****k****el**: Oh, nice. Hey, who's holding the phone for you?
* **Cloudy**: Balloony, but he can't talk because he's eating.
* **Balloony**: [*muffled*] Hello!
* **Nic****k****el**: Happy birthday, Dad! Cake and Rocky there too?
* **C****a****ke**: [*in the background*] Hi!
* **Cloudy**: We've got an announcement that I'm sure you'll love.
* **Nic****k****el**: That's nice.
* **Cloudy**: What about you? Anything happen lately?
* **Nic****k****el**: Well... yeah. I asked Naily out.
* **Cloudy**: How did that go?
* **Nic****k****el**: She already got a boyfriend. David.
* **Cloudy**: Yeah, David Mason, the ironically bad carpenter.

[*Nickel looks at the phone confused.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: Anyway, I've been pretty down lately, so... what's your news? Sure whatever you tell me's going to make this night better.
* **Cloudy**: Oh, you'll like this one. Balloony and I—
* **Balloony**: We're engaged!
* **Nic****k****el**: [*shocked*] What?
* **Cloudy**: The two of us are together again, and literally, too!
* **Balloony**: See, we realized that there's no way we'll be going away from this Filing Cabinet, so we decided to put our personal differences aside and make ourselves into the FC's OTP.
* **Cloudy**: And this isn't just "for the sake of the kids"; everyone here is for it. Right, Cake?
* **C****a****ke**: Yep!
* **Nic****k****el**: That's terrific! Couldn't be more proud of y'all.
* **Balloony**: Listen, I'd better now say *guid cheerio the nou* so you dinnae have to miss that party you're having.
* **Nic****k****el**: No, it's fine.
* **Balloony**: Na, hae fun!
* **Nic****k****el**: Alright, then.
* **Cloudy**: Love ya, kid.
* **Balloony**: Haud Hogmanay.
* **Nic****k****el**: Auld Lang Syne!

[*Nickel hangs up happily.*]

* **Nic****k****el**: That went well.

#### 5 minutes to midnight

[*23:55.* **Pin**, **Gaty** *and* **Saw** *are talking to themselves quietly. Enter* **Coiny**, *led in by* **Donut**.]

* **P****i****n**: Coiny, you're back.
* **G****at****y**: Oh, what a shame. We were having so much fun without you. [*Saw elbows her.*]
* **Co****i****ny**: Ladies, I have an apology I should like to make.
* **G****at****y**: Why do you sound like a House of Windsor wannabe? [*Saw elbows her again.*]
* **Donut**: His mind has been soberized... sobered... whatever it is. Take it away, Coiniel.

[*Exit* **Donut**. *Coiny begins to dance interpretatively as he sort of rhythmically pronounces his apology.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Gaty, and to a lesser extent Saw, I am sorry. Words are not enough to describe how much I have regretted not extending this precious relationship with you, as I have only used what could have been to my selfish gain. I should not have been evil, instead I should have been *neevil*, because it's okay to be a little evil in this big wide world we call Earth. W.O.A.H. Bunch may be a significant part of our history, but our potential friendship is a much more salvageable thing. Now I ask of you, and only you, and to a lesser extent Saw, if you will forgive me... *Hmm?*
* **G****at****y**: [*Aside.*] That was the worst apology I've ever— [*Saw quickly turns her head to Gaty with a face of disapproval. Aloud.*] I mean, sure, yeah, you've confessed. Good.
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh my mint, does this mean we're friendos?
* **G****at****y**: Eh, more like acquaintances.

[*Beat.*]

* **G****at****y**: Although I should probably apologize too. Coiny, I think I've been a little too hard on you. I guess... your weird obsession with your and your family's history makes a little sense.
* **Co****i****ny**: That's what I like to hear! But seriously, no dance?
* **G****at****y**: *No.* I mean... if you want a dance, you'll get one. Girls?
* **S****aw**: With pleasure!
* **P****i****n**: Apology dance, activate!

[*Coiny, Saw, Pin and Gaty dance.*]

#### 1.67 minutes before midnight

[*More like 100 seconds before midnight.* **Puffball** *and* **Basketball** *are arranging the grapes in a way that makes it easy for the latter to eat.* **Clock** *looks on, approvingly.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Finally! It took a lot of unnecessary math, but I think this is the best formation there is.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: And it looks really nice, too.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Thanks. Now I just wait for someone to say the number *12* and I'll be ready.

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**.]

* **Two**: Come outside, everyone! They're dropping the ball in the city and you can see it from here!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Ooh, my favourite part! It has to do with time, that's why.

[*A countdown suddenly sounds in the background, combined with the sound of the world's loudest heartbeat.*]

* **Robotic Voice**: 90... 89... 88... 87... 86...

[*Exeunt omnes, excitedly. Manent* **Book***,* **Basketball** *and* **Puffball**.]

* **G****at****y**: You coming, Book?
* **Bo****ok**: Yeah, sure, in a minute! [*on the phone*] Alright, Taco, let's promise to talk within the next nine years, yeah? [*Pause.*] You too; I'll greet you around 7 in the morning, my time. Okay, bye!

[*She hangs up and exits.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh gosh, Puffball, we did all this arranging stuff for nothing!
* **Puffball**: Not for nothing!

[*Puffball scoops up the grapes with her head.*]

* **Puffball**: Let's go!

[*Exeunt.*]

### **Outside**

**Scene**Sixty seconds until midnight. The robotic voice continues to announce how many seconds are left until midnight. At the same time, fireworks are shooting into the sky in the distance: They too indicate how many seconds there are left. Enter **Naily** quietly; she does not look at Nickel.
* **Robotic Voice**: 60... 59... 58... 57...
* **Golf Ball**: Don't you just love countdowns and ball drops?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: In times of peace, yes. Of course, if they wanted to drop a ball here, they could have just had me stand on the edge of the roof. /j

[*Silence.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Nothing?
* **Two**: [*over a loudspeaker*] In less than a minute, the old year will be over, dead and buried, and a new year will take its place. More importantly, you will no longer be bound to me as contestants, and you will be free to return home again!

[*Everyone cheers.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: Two, can you please be quiet so we can hear the countdown?
* **Bo****ok**: Yeah, I'm afraid some people don't know how to count backwards.
* **Golf Ball**: Speaking of people who don't know how to count, where's Snowball?
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*eyeing the grapes on top of Puffball's head*] No idea.
* **Robotic Voice**: 35... 34... 33... 32...
* **P****en**: Oh boy, I'm going to Austria!
* **T****r****e****e**: It's *Australia*, mate; d'you really think I'd share a country with that little commo?
* **B****atter****y**: Excuse you!
* **P****en**: Well, if there's one thing I couldn't be happier about, it's spending New Year's Eve with the best pal there is. Get over here, you hotshot! [*puts his arm around Tree's shoulder*]
* **Robotic Voice**: 16... 15... 14... 13...
* **Baske****t****ball**: *Ah, it's time!*
* **Puffball**: On it!

[*Puffball slowly spins around and, as the seconds pass, each grape falls into Basketball's mouth.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Nom... nom... nom...
* **F****r****i****e****s**: That's one way to do it.

[*Gradually, everyone joins in the countdown.*]

* **Everyone**: Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five!
* **Two**: Ooh.
* **Everyone**: Four! Three! Two—
* **Two**: ***TWO!***
* **Everyone**: One!

## After midnight

### **Outside**

**Scene**The countdown ends and fireworks with the words "Happy New Year 1981" light up the sky. In the distance, a brass band plays "Auld Lang Syne".
* **Everyone**: Happy New Year!

[*Pen takes off his glasses.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Well, it's finally the year 1981. I'm outside, and nothing's really happen—

[*Tree gets interrupted by Pen, who leans forward and gives Tree a big kiss. We can see him counting the seconds on his fingers behind Tree's head.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: [*dancing in the background*] *WHOOO! I did it! I told you, abuela, I could do it! Yaaaaaaaaaaasss!*

[*Pen lets go with a slightly goofy smile.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Damn.

[*Following the lead of the two guys, Coiny and Gaty give their loved ones light pecks on the cheek.*]

* **Golf Ball**: TB, is it really a tradition to kiss on New Year's Day?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Not for us.
* **Golf Ball**: Amen. Let's talk about lesson plans for the next school year.
* **T****r****e****e**: Holy moly. That was amazing.
* **P****en**: I sure was. Eight seconds, boss... One for every hint you gave me all day.
* **T****r****e****e**: You knew?
* **P****en**: Oh yeah. I'm not as stupid as you think I am, Tree.
* **T****r****e****e**: Pen, I must have given you, like, twenty hints.
* **P****en**: Eight, twenty... I'm afraid they're all the same to me, boss.
* **T****r****e****e**: Put your glasses on then, they'll make you smarter.
* **P****en**: Don't think I need 'em right now, eh? [*raises his eyebrows and strokes the back of his cap*]

[*Tree begins to sweat. He calls out to Two, who is talking with Clock.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Oi! Two, where's the best place to watch bowling?

[*Two points to one of the doors in the back. Tree lifts Pen up from the ground and runs off with him. Exeunt.*]

* **Two**: What, no *thank you*?
* **P****en**: [*off-screen*] Thanks, Two!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You gallants don't stay out too late, you hear?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: But it's already midnight.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*accidentally sucks up Pen's glasses*] This one goes out to all the earthlings.

[*Meanwhile...*]

* **Two**: Uh-huh, they should be here any moment.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Okay.
* **Two**: Can you relay that to the others?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: ***Attention, everyone, Two has an announcement.***
* **Two**: Ta for that.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: No problem.
* **Two**: As I was saying, I have an announcement to make!

[*The instrumental to a song can be heard in the background.*]

* **P****i****n**: Hey, where is that music coming from?
* **Ar****esko**: I want to follow it!
* **Two**: That's right! Yes, my pretties! Follow me as I take you to my biggest surprise of the year yet!
* **G****at****y**: Two, it's only been 1981 for, like, two minutes.
* **Two**: And a perfect number of minutes that is!
* **Golf Ball**: [*Aside.*] Wait, two's not a perfect number.
* **G****at****y**: You seriously can't think of that many surprises in such a short timespan.
* **Co****i****ny**: Gaty's right.
* **G****at****y**: Like that. See? Coiny is agreeing with me. And that *never* happens.
* **S****aw**: Okay, Gaty, I think Two gets it. But yeah... [*excited*] What's the surprise?
* **Two**: I guarantee you'll like this one!

[*Two directs their shout towards the inside of the building.*]

* **Two**: ***Here they are, the ABBAs!***

### **Two's Party Huis**

**Scene**The contestants go back inside and see none other than the four members of ABBA (**Agnetha Fältskog**, **Anni-Frid Lyngstad**, **Björn Ulvaeus** and **Benny Andersson**) having a concert on the giant stage in the middle of the party house. Being humans, they are much larger than everyone else, even larger than **Two**, who smiles smugly. Although they are clearly shocked by what they are seeing, they still sing their song, more precisely a very relevant one. The show must go on!

**Song: "Happy New Year"**

**Vocalist(s)**: ABBA

♫ Happy New Year, Happy New Year,

May we all have a vision now and then

Of a world where every neighbour is a friend.

Happy New Year, Happy New Year,

May we all have our hopes, our will to try,

If we don't, we might as well lay down and die...

You... and I. ♫

[*Applause.*]

* **Ar****esko**: My favourite band!
* **P****i****n**: Same, same!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Wait, I thought they were an anime.
* **F****r****i****e****s**: They sang about my country!
* **Nic****k****el**: Waterloo is a country?
* **F****r****i****e****s**: No, Nickel, I'm from the Kingdom of Angeleyes. /s
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I don't know who they are, but they sound really unique.
* **Golf Ball**: I've never heard of them either.
* **Co****i****ny**: Neither have I.
* **Donut**: That's because you're American.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: But I've heard of them! Colin and Theola buy their records all the time, remember, GB?
* **Golf Ball**: Oh. If they did big-band swing I would have heard of them.
* **P****i****n**: American or not, these humans are extremely famous around the world.
* **Two**: That's right! And there you have it: The musical stylings of Borgorg, Abdidia, Bunny and Abgatha.

[*Microphone feedback sound.*]

* **Björn**: Er, excuse me, Two?
* **Two**: Yes?
* **Björn**: We're actually called Björn.
* **Frida**: And Frida.
* **Benny**: Benny.
* **Agnetha**: And Agnetha.
* **Ar****esko**: OMRSF, that's exactly how they introduce themselves!
* **[** **Ar****esko** · **P****i****n** **]**: *Squeeeee!*
* **C****l****o****c****k**: How'd you get them to come here, Two? I thought there was some kind of rift in the human world.
* **Two**: Well, I couldn't have done it without a very special friend. But none of that matters now, because they're here and they will sing nothing.

[*Scattered complaints.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: You can't be serious! We've only listened to, like, one third of their song!
* **Baske****t****ball**: I want to hear more!
* **S****aw**: Please let them sing another one, huh?
* **Ar****esko**: Let me be the dancing queen!
* **Two**: But we can't *impose* on our musical guests now, can we?
* **Puffball**: Oh, please let them stay, eh, Two?
* **Two**: Ò! Sure.

[*Everyone cheers, even ABBA themselves.*]

* **Frida**: You're very lucky that we've got another song ready for you all.
* **Benny**: But if you could give us a little time to prepare, that would be very nice.
* **Agnetha**: It's much more fun after a break, in my opinion.
* **Björn**: Don't shut us down just yet!
* **Two**: Aha, that's so true! Always prepared! Carry on, all.

[*The lights come back on and the background music plays in the background as everyone returns to their excited conversations.*]

* **Winner**: I'm surprised you've never heard of them before.
* **B****atter****y**: Where I come from, they only play this music in the secret discotheques. If any government official heard it, it was off with our heads!
* **Winner**: Aren't you from, like, Goikyan Austria?
* **B****atter****y**: Okay, I lied. *Shh!*

[*Meanwhile...*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I'm doing some research.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Finding some last-minute plane tickets?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: There's one eleven hours from now.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Ooh, that's good. Not that I've ever had to fly in an aeroplane, but... yeah.

[*Enter* **Tree** *and* **Pen**, *very happy.*]

* **P****en**: Hiya, gang!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh. Wow. I was not expecting you out here so soon.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: How was bowling?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote, that's a little invasive.
* **T****r****e****e**: No, it's fine. It was just...
* **P****en**: Terrific.
* **T****r****e****e**: Yes. But really quick, though.
* **P****en**: [*as his eyes get big*] Sowwy, Twee.
* **T****r****e****e**: Mmh!
* **P****en**: I mean, sorry, Trrrree. Oh my, rrrrrolling your R's is certainly back in fashion, eh, Rrrrremote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Em-hem.
* **T****r****e****e**: No, he was a good partner. If Pen Schreiber were a love boat, he'd be the *Spirit of Australia*.
* **P****en**: Aww, thanks, buddy. You the man!

[*Pen gives Tree a playful noogie.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Hey, wait a minute... Is that ABBA? On our planet?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes, they've made it here from the human world, in a way that Two refuses to describe to us further.
* **T****r****e****e**: You know, they're up there in my list of favourite modern bands.
* **Ar****esko**: Hey, mine too!
* **P****en**: And Eraser's! [*Beat.*] But don't tell anyone that.

[*The lights dim.*]

* **Ar****esko**: Oh, Tree, you're glowing.
* **T****r****e****e**: I'm starstruck.

[**Two** *steps up to the microphone. Two is so small that Agnetha has to carry them in her hand.*]

* **Two**: [*to Agnetha*] Thanks.
* **Agnetha**: You're welcome!

[*Laughter.*]

* **Two**: Attention, little objects, I'd like to announce that ABBA will perform one more song, but not before they say other things besides singing.
* **Björn**: Thank you, Two, it was a pleasure to hear you clarify that for us. [*to the contestants*] Can you all hear us okay?
* **Everyone**: Yeah!

[**Two** *jumps down from the stage.*]

* **Björn**: First of all, we would like to thank the people of wherever we are for organizing this very special show.
* **Two**: [*in the audience*] *You're very welcome!*
* **Benny**: When I saw a biro being carried into his room by a tree nearly as small as he was, I knew this would be the strangest concert venue we had ever performed in. And we've been to Japan.
* **N****a****ily**: Whoo!
* **Agnetha**: Yes, it's very strange indeed.
* **Frida**: But we understand that being strange is not such a bad thing over here. In episode 16 of your show, *The Power of Two*, Golf Ball—
* **Two**: Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait, you guys watch *TPOT*? Holy Gogma, we've got a quartet of fans of me! Yeah-yeah!
* **P****i****n**: Two, what are you doing?
* **Ar****esko**: You don't interrupt international superstars!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Show some respect!
* **Two**: [*ignoring them all*] What'd you like about my show? Do you believe numbers are superior to objects? Who's your favourite character?
* **Björn**: Now that's funny. We were totally prepared for a question like that.
* **Benny**: I think if you listen to our next song, you'll soon get to know who our true favourites are.
* **Two**: Really? Who?
* **Frida**: You'll find out... very soon.
* **Agnetha**: How about now?
* **Björn**: Or as they say where we come from, *just nu!*
* **Bo****ok**: Hey, I understood that!

[*Benny starts to play the piano... and everyone just goes with it. It's an explosion-of-happiness dance party to end the first half of the season.*]

**Song: "On and On and On"**

**Vocalist(s)**: ABBA

♫ I was at a party and this fellow said to me:

"Something bad is happening, I'm sure you do agree—

People care for nothing, no respect for human rights,

Evil times are coming, we are in for darker nights."

I said, "Who are you to talk about impending doom?"

He got kinda wary as he looked around the room...

He said, "I'm a minister, a big shot in the state."

I said, "I just can't believe it, boy, I think it's great.

"Brother, can you tell me what is right and what is wrong?

He said, "Keep on rocking, baby, till the night is gone."

On and on and on, keep on rocking, baby, till the night is gone...

On and on and on... till the night is gone...

On and on and on, keep on rocking, baby, till the night is gone...

On and on and on... till the night is gone...

Standing up is scary if you think you're gonna fall,

Like a humpty dumpty, 'fraid of falling off the wall.

I say if you ever want to know what's going on,

Got to keep on rocking, baby, till the night is gone.

[*Roll credits.*]

On and on and on, keep on rocking, baby, till the night is gone...

On and on and on... till the night is gone...

On and on and on, keep on rocking, baby, till the night is gone...

On and on and on... till the night is gone...

On and on and on, keep on rocking, baby, till the night is gone...

On and on and on... till the night is gone... ♫

[*The episode ends with great applause.*]

**THE END
of TPOT: ACT IV**
## Deleted scenes (from the second half)

* Basketball on Tennis Ball and Golf Ball's election ballots:

**Baske****t****ball**: [*referring to the red envelopes given out on Chinese New Year*] I believe the Goikyan Chinese have the same tradition.

* Nickel to Pin (he was going to meet with the Alefs right after Cake at Stake):

**Nic****k****el**: In case you haven't noticed, I'm a little upset.
**P****i****n**: Oh. Are you upset because your best friend on the team has just been eliminated?
**Nic****k****el**: No, Pin, I'm upset because I never got to watch *Pink Lady and Jeff*. /s. Sorry, I'm just...

* I was going to include a game similar to Cards Against Humanity instead of Speed Addition. That would have been too long a game to write the script to.
* Battery to Two:

**Two**: Also, I kind of like the number 2, if you haven't noticed.
**B****atter****y**: Ooh. I like the number 5.
[*Two looks away in the other direction for a split second, and then back at Battery. She does not notice.*]

* Pen and Tree: I deleted this line because it sounded really wrong compared to the ones around it.

**T****r****e****e**: Well, what about your father?
**P****en**: He's old.

* Nickel was going to say "Darn Yankee" aside as Coiny accuses him of being a country bumpkin.
* It's a good thing I didn't go forth and have the asexual Black Hole crack a joke about the "light-years-high club". Not even being part of it, just a rumour.
* Gaty was going to call Coiny a WASP ("White Anglo-Saxon Protestant") under her breath. It wouldn't work here because they're not humans.
* Battery was going to kiss Clock when midnight struck, you know, for drama purposes.
* Debbie Reynolds was going to hatch out of an egg in this episode, as she was going to do in TPOT 19. She was again replaced, this time by ABBA.
	+ ABBA themselves were going to do the voting screen (because of the possible personality changes at the end of the episode). This was scrapped because it would be quite weird.
* Crap! I forgot to mention what happened to Lightning and Snowball: They fell asleep together cuddling. I'm thinking about making them an evolving no-strings-attached couple in the next act.

## Notes

1. ↑ Not as intense as you'd imagine. Everyone's pretty old now compared to how they were in BFDI.
2. ↑ I've never laughed so much trying to write innuendulous gold. Hard to believe that as objects, they mean it all literally.
3. ↑ I keep forgetting that Coiny had a very distinct personality in IDFB. And it wasn't even a bad one at that! ... This is him when he is sober.
4. ↑ I timed this... Everyone talks faster in my head than in an actual episode.
5. ↑ He guessed the correct results too quickly!
6. ↑ Pen has a small tattoo of a star under his cap. (Why else is it featured in his voting icon?) This one's a Star of David.
7. ↑ I think that's enough for innuendo. Good night, everybody!

**Fake TPOT** [V]