Chess: A Black and White Issue

D&Daniel: Welcome to a probably bad halloween special. I’m D&Daniel, and thanks to Hedwig, Carlo, our new friend Goswald the Gargoyle, and everyone who sent in voice recordings. Have a probably bad day

(dramatic music)

Various voices: Chess

(The voices get louder and begin to overlap)

Narrator: Chess. Where did it come from? What is it? What can we do to stop it?

(music becomes less dramatic, more like a school documentary)

Survivor 1: I got into chess when I was 13, and I thought that was young. When I got out there into the tournaments, I met people that had been chessing since they were 5 or 6. They hook them young

Expert 1: A lot of people say “what’s the harm” and “it’s better they’re chessing in the youth centre than out on the streets”, but what they don’t say is that the mortality rate for people who are chess users is close to 100%

Narrator: In this audio-document, we will be talking with survivors, experts, and, for regulatory reasons, one industry spokesperson. Welcome to Chess: A Black and White Issue

Historian: Chess was invented during the hundred years war, when the king’s strategic planners would distract themselves from the horrors of bloodshed by getting silly with the maps and figurines. After several skirmishes provoked by disagreements, a rulebook was produced - Rules of the Play of Chess by Chet du Maurier. It was distributed by printing mogul Johannes Gutenberg in hollowed out bibles, to avoid falling foul of anti-tomfoolery laws in the papal states. Then it got into the monasteries, and then the merchants, and pretty soon it was a phenomenon.

Sociologist: When people play Chess, it activates a part of the brain called MacNeil’s Node, a rogue pleasure centre, telling the body to keep on doing what it’s doing. It keeps them going back, and before too long, nothing else can release the right chemicals. And you need those chemicals, or you’ll die. So they have to chess

Survivor 2: (voice warped) I said yes to one game, and it lasted 5 years. I’m scared what will happen if it finishes. At work, they call me endgame.

Producer: Please don’t identify yourself

Survivor 2: Can I be Suzanne?

Producer: Sure.

Survivor 2: They called me Endgame Suzanne.

Narrator: We spoke to Chezz, one of the top board manufacturers we could get hold of at short notice.

Chezz Rep: Our figurines are crafted to the highest standards, and so long as the pieces are not ingested, they produce no physical harm.

Interviewer: You’re referring to Bishop Pints?

Chezz Rep: I’d rather not

Interviewer: But that’s clearly what you’re

Chezz Rep: Don’t make me say it.

Interviewer: But that is what you’re talking about.

Chezz Rep: Fine.

(Pub sounds, chants of bishop pints)

Narrator: Bishop Pints is an initiation rite in some university and further education chess societies. To become full members, initiates drink a full pint of alcoholic beer with a chess piece inside it.

Doug:  It depends on how much they like you, the name is a misnomer. Some people got a pawn, or a rook... I got a knight. (sniffs)

Narrator: Doug MacDoug, who insisted on being identified by name, was taken to A&E with acute medical needs. He then saw a surgeon, who, after a surgical consultation, agreed he needed surgery. But what happened next wasn’t good.

Doug:  It were bad.

Narrator: Doug, who wants us to mention he is an aspiring voiceover artist and drama graduate, pending payment of library fees, was given an exploratory endoscope. What happened next surprised everyone, but will be all too familiar to victims of that dangerous game people call The Monochrome Dance.

Doug: They poked around my insides and it just... weren’t where it should have been. After further imaging, they realised what had happened.

Surgeon: The knight was about as deep in the tract as we expected, but we couldn’t see it. We feared the worst - that it might’ve been absorbed, or dissolved. But neither had happened. The knight made a lateral move. It was gunning for the kidneys.

Narrator: Major surgery was attempted, but by the time they reached it, the knight had become load bearing.

Surgeon You take it out, take out a load bearing knight, you get kidney drift and trust me (scoffs) you do not want kidney drift.

Doug: I finished my degree, got some advertising work, but I couldn’t do nude scenes. I was scared they could see it. But you can’t, can you?

Interviewer: Please, can you put your shirt back on?

(music)

Survivor 2:  (over the phone) I couldn’t attend church services anymore. As soon as the bishop entered I would start pushing him around at an angle. He didn’t like that. Not on michaelmas.

Chuck: A “friend” tried to get me into the game, started asking about what I enjoyed. I told him “Uno”, and he called me a Rainbow Bitch.

Narrator: Chuck Trumbo was one of the founding members of the Young AntiChess League, or YACL.

Chuck: When we first started we were Not Even Once, but as we started in 1999, and a lot of us wore leather trenchcoats, that sort of muddled the message. (pause) I liked Dark City better, anyway.

Narrator: Today, YACL boasts of members across the metropolitan area.

Chuck: We have a lot of activities. It’s not just activism, it’s fun and games. Draughts, go, backgammon... though some thought we were sailing close to the wind.

Narrator: This caused a splinter group to break off, as splinters are known to do.

Chuck: Pawn Free People talk a big game, but did they book the biggest roller disco in Kiddeminster? (pause) Ok, but that was 2002. Goldmember AND Van Wilder. Big year for roller discos in films. We did it ‘01. Pure grassroots. No hype.

Narrator: The Chess hype, however, has been reaching fever pitch. last year, Streaming giant Pigeon released hit chess miniseries Double Bongcloud, named after a controversial gambit. Its tale of complex antiheroes and unsimulated chess play unfolds in 1980s Somerset and features a cast of chic, sexually literate agriculture graduates. They use their logistical know-how to make unorthodox moves across the board and find their way to fame and fortune. We will play selected dialogue from the fifth episode, “Knight Takes Rook, Part One”, where Fletch is confronted about his intake.

(A clatter of garbage and dishes)

Horst: What’s all this en, ya bellend? I got a match tomorrow, and I can’t find a plate for me cheeky chicken enchilada.

Fletch: Horst, chillax.

Horst: Chill-what?

Fletch: It’s a combination of chill and relax.

Horst: Never heard of it.

Fletch: I coined it, didn’t I? Now I just gotta sit back and let the royalties pile up.

Horst: Doubt it.

Fletch: History will vindicate me.

Horst: That’s your plan, huh? Given up on chess?

Fletch: Opposite. Care to join me?

Horst: What’s that?

Fletch: I’m thinking about Cathy.

Horst: Look, what happened was a tragedy...

Fletch: She was right.

Horst: What?

Fletch: Don’t just move the pieces. (snorts) You be the pieces.

Horst: Wait, what are you grinding up?

Fletch: This is the rook that defeated me in my last tournament. Now? I’m taking its power. Horst: That’s enough. I’m getting you help.

(Movement, bumping rubbish and whatnot)

Fletch: And how are you going to do that?

Horst: I just have to get to the -

Fletch: Phone? The one that is now behind me? Sure, you could go for it. But you leave yourself open.

Horst: Open how?

Fletch: What’s on the mantlepiece? The one I could get to, while you’re busy with... the phone.

Horst: You wouldn’t. Not Kingsley!

Fletch: We can’t all have had a grandmaster grandpa. but maybe... in a way... I can.

Horst: Yeah? And what’s this? Your invitation to the Warmley Semis? Be a shame if... well, you know what they say... Check.

(A punch. Falling objects)

Fletch: Checkmate, you son of a bitch.

Narrator: Despite showing the desperation and alienation suffered by chess enthusiasts, the show spiked a 300% increase in sales of chess paraphernalia. We asked creator Creme Gunderson for comment.

Gunderson: I don’t think I can be held responsible for what grown adults do, hell, I can’t even control what my grown kids do.

Interviewer: Have they fallen out of touch, after this chess miniseries debacle?

Gunderson:  No. They keep talking to me, and they suck.

Interviewer: What’s your own experience with chess?

Gunderson: I don’t know if I could...

Interviewer: Because your producer mentioned it in other interviews, the Odessa incident…

Gunderson: People exaggerate.

Interviewer: What part of that wasn’t true?

Gunderson: I did not arrange all the players on a grid and make them fight to the death.

Interviewer: Right.

Gunderson: I may have tried to, but that’s not the same. Nobody got hurt.

Interviewer: I remember reading about hospitalisations...

Gunderson: No-one got permanently hurt, and those who feel they were emotionally damaged were compensated.

Interviewer: With what?

Gunderson: Therapy worksheets.

Narrator: Now, for more balance, a representative of the chess federation. To balance out that balance, we have changed the voice to sound evil.

Chess Federation Boss: Hahaha I don’t know where you get your facts from, insolent fool, I honestly don’t. Even basic stuff like the rules of the game, it’s impossible to have a reasonable conversation with you if you’re going to be like this.

Narrator: It went on in a similar fashion. We received similar messages from other professionals, making accusations about our knowledge of the game and its rules. We took some of them to court Here is a recording we made by hiding a phone under a shawl.

Judge: Order! Order!

Defence: They’re lying! I can’t believe you’re allowing this farce to continue!

Narrator: We are more than happy to settle this out of court.

Defence: It’s just factually wrong! You might as well say ‘hide and seek is the same as hungry hungry hippos’.

Judge:  I’m happy to hold both of you in contempt if I have to. Very happy. Does the plaintiff have anything further to say?

Narrator: How are we doing so far?

Judge:  I don’t think there’s reasonable grounds to say “in chess, you can move pawns two steps sideways if you pay off the right guy”.

Narrator: Might I just say... one more thing?

Judge:  That’s why I asked ‘does the plaintiff have anything further to say’, isn’t that right? Stenographer: Eh? You talking to me?

Judge: Yes, can you read that back?

Court Reporter: Does this mean I have to type up the bit where you ask me to read it back? And my bit where I ask if you’re talking to me?

Judge: Are you a trained stenographer?

Stenographer: I’d like that struck from the record, it’s really hard to type.

Judge: Nevermind. Alright, wrap this up. I have afternoon plans.

Narrator: Yes, we all have plans. Would those plans involve... board games?

Judge: Perhaps... where is this going?

Narrator: It’ll go faster if you don’t ask me where it’s going.

Judge: Go on then.

Narrator: I will. What kind of board games?

Judge: I have broad tastes. Scrabble, boggle...

Narrator: Chess?

Defence: Objection!

Judge: On what grounds?

Defence: I have a bad feeling about it!

Judge: This is why you should hire lawyers. Jesus Christ.

Narrator: Have you played chess recently?

Judge: Yes. but if you are insinuating some degree of bias…

Narrator: Oh, nothing of the sort. It’s not like you wrote the How To Play guide that is sold with every chess set from Bingham Games.

Defence: I write a lot of game manuals, it’s normal and proper, if not particularly interesting, work.

Narrator: But if you were shown to be wrong, it would cause you some degree of professional embarrassment...

Defence: A little, but there’s always new editions and redactions

Narrator: But that’s not what I want to talk about... Justice Blackstone, were you in the park yesterday?

Judge: Yes...

Narrator: And did you play chess?

Judge: That’s right.

Narrator: Win any?

Judge: Won some, lost some.

Narrator: I’m particularly interested in the third game.

Judge: I don’t recall much of each game

Narrator: Against a man in a stetson.

Judge: Aah, yes.

Narrator: Did you win that one?

Judge: Do I really have to remember...

Narrator: Come now, you play a man in a hat like that, you remember it. No shame in a stalemate.

Judge:  It was a loss.

Narrator: Aah, I see. Do you remember anything about his tactics?

Judge:  He played fast, dirty street chess. I have to admit I... like it like that. Rough. Feral. Real.

Narrator: And I don’t judge you for that. Did he do any particular pawn moves that struck you as odd?

Judge:  He did an Anderson opening, which seemed bold, but...

Narrator: Ok, I can’t do this if you’re just making up moves…

Defence: Idiot.

Narrator: Did he make any kind of en passant play? Anything odd?

Defence: But en passant isn’t a sideways move! It’s a diagonal -

Narrator: Nerd says what.

Defence: What?

Narrator: Anything like that, your honour?

Judge: He may have... moved a pawn from A3 to B3.

Narrator: I see... very interesting.

Defence: But the issue under discussion isn’t whether someone can move a pawn sideways, it’s whether they can do it, quote,  “if they pay off the right guy”

Narrator: That’s right. Did any money change hands that day?

Judge: No, none.

Narrator: You drink coffee, judge? You like that cup o’ joe, lil morning juice, alert water, a lil java injection, you know... rocket fuel, a little... fiesty... bean?

Judge: Yes.

Narrator: Did you have some this morning?

Judge: Yes.

Narrator: At home or did you buy it?

Judge: I bought it.

Narrator: Cash or card?

Judge: Cash.

Narrator: Right. The man in a stetson paid cash too. Big wad of notes, with a little ink stain on one corner. You’d know if you paid for anything with that.

Judge: Probably...

Narrator: In fact, would you be willing to swear in front of the court that you did not pay for your coffee this morning with a stained banknote.

Judge: You are impugning the integrity of this court, and are on very thin ice. I’d wrap this up.

Narrator: Ok. I have nothing to say, except to ask for support from a friend. Will you stand up, please?  Recognise the apron?

Judge: I get my coffee from there every morning. I love it.

Narrator: Leave a tip?

Judge: Every time. it’s my favourite place.

Narrator: You tip this morning?

Judge: I did...

Narrator: Will you please take out the tip you got this morning?

(Uproar.)

Judge: Order! Order! I will have order!

Narrator: We received a considerable sum of money, some of which went to making this documentary, and the rest to settling the other libel cases we were involved in. when editing, we checked up on some of the people we talked to...They were all dead. Or unhappy. Even people who tried to get away from the game fell back into it. A new condition, Deep Blue Fever, has hit the chess community hard and baffled scientists. It has no known symptoms, cause or treatments. We may never know what it is. The safest thing to say is “chess: not even once”

(music)