207: She's Gonna Find It All

## Summary

Ricardo has arrived in dramatic fashion at the candy store and the party try to pin some of their stolen items on him. Ricardo is as slippery as ever, eventually causing Gwen to go into a *Rage* and a fight ensues. Ricardo is overpowered with surprising ease when Batthwack *Command*s him to surrender, but he turns out in fact to be only an automaton, a clever proxy for the real Ricardo who left town days earlier.

## Synopsis

The party are in Gwen's candy store and Ricardo Ulysses has just made a very dramatic entrance, straight through the store window, sending broken glass flying everywhere and all over her candy. *"Haha! Yes! It is I, Ricardo Ulysses, in the flesh. You know, because this is my flesh and it is here with you! You have been looking for me, no?"* Gwen is shaking with emotion at the sight of the damage done to her store and her business. She sends the dwarf who's arm she was clutching away out the door. *"Why couldn't you just use the door?"* she asks Ricardo, but he wants to know why they have been trying to besmirch his name and why they were so rude as to stand him up at his meeting. He hops over to another table of candy, kicking it onto the floor. Gwen's anger is growing as she pleads for answers from Ricardo. Batthwack edges closer to Ricardo, but he's spotted. *"Ah, yes. What are you doing, large dragon man? I remember you."* *"We've met before. You have at least one thing of mine."* replies Batthwack. Ricardo deflects this, and Batthwack says "Fuck you" in draconic. Ricardo says it back, also in draconic. Batthwack asks where the holy symbol is, to which Ricardo says *"Oh, my holy symbol. It is certainly not here. That's a very valuable relic. You must keep it safe so that thieves cannot abscond with it."*

Will whispers to the boy he had caught stealing candy earlier, taking a couple of gold pieces out of his pocket. *"Stick around and you'll have more than candy in your pockets if you do"* he says. The boy makes the gold disappear very fast, which Will is impressed by. He then changes his appearance to that of the tavern owner in Norton and addresses everyone present, including the crowd still gathered outside. He tells everyone how he is a hard-working business owner like Gwen, and that Ricardo has stolen his life savings. He's been trying to track him down for some months. He enhances the performance by subtly making the bags under his eyes heavier and creating a magical tear to roll down his cheek. Ricardo says he doesn't even recognize this man, to which Will responds with more protestations, telling the crowd that they let Ricardo get away with it because they treat him like a celebrity, when in fact *"he's a liar and a thief!"* Gwen chimes in to agree, but Ricardo isn't having any of it and claims everything they're saying are baseless accusations. While the argument continues, Will casts *Message* to secretly ask the boy to plant some stolen candy on Ricardo.

Raphina's hiding place in the fake cake is exposed as Ricardo reveals he knows all about their plan. *"Hello little one. Why don't you come out? As they say, the jig is up when a dance is over!"* he says. The argument continues back and forth and Ricardo continues to deny stealing anything. Batthwack can't take any more and casts *Zone of Truth*, which Ricardo apparently isn't expecting as he succumbs to the spell immediately. However at least outwardly he doesn't seem phased, and immediately turns it round on the party, saying *"Ah look at this! You want to know the truth, do you? How about the truth about who you are?"* Hurriedly searching for an identity to answer with, Will forgets the real name of the tavern owner, instead saying his name is Horace Gusterson. Again, Ricardo continues to claim there's no proof of him having stolen anything, and that in fact he has generously bestowed on the people of Morrow's Inlet his presence, many wonderful gifts and given them a great time. Batthwack says that one of Ricardo's "gifts" was a friend of theirs: Captain Clockface. Ricardo, again, artfully dodges giving a direct answer, saying that he has seen a clockwork person and gifted him to a bar.

Meanwhile, the kid has sneaked up to Ricardo and is skilfully making it appear as though he is pulling candy from Ricardo's pockets. He cries *"Look what I found! This guy here, he's got candy that I'm pretending to pull out of his pockets!"* It is apparent that the kid also failed to resist the *Zone of Truth*. Will tries to cover it, but the kid is struggling to avoid saying the wrong thing and in the end just turns and runs. Mo and Hilula catch him.

Gwen has been doing her best to stay calm, but her seething emotions are starting to bubble up. She very slowly and directly asks Ricardo once more about her rent money, but again he dodges the question. Raphina asks how it is that Ricardo knows so much about what they've been doing and he says *"Oh there are many eyes and ears here in Morrow's Inlet.* Tomorrow, Today! *They see and hear everything."* Ricardo continues to deflect the questioning back onto the group, in particular bringing up his previous associate Kee, whom Will had accidentally killed when trying to capture her alive.

Gwen has had enough of Ricardo's word games and is now visibly very upset. Stood in front of Ricardo and almost in a trance, she mutters quietly to him in draconic *"I will kill you. I will dig you up. And then do it again."* Ricardo looks down at her and in draconic replies "Fuck you." At this, Gwen begins to *Rage* and with an almighty dragonborn roar, lunges at Ricardo, teeth bared. Her emotional state seems to get the better of her though as Ricardo is able to lift himself out of harms way and Gwen just ends up taking a huge bite out of the shelf behind him. Hilula draws her magical battleaxe *Treebane* and steps up as Will casts *Suggestion* telling Ricardo he should let Batthwack tie him up, but it doesn't work. Ricardo attacks Gwen and Hilula with his rapier, but cannot connect. *"Dah! It is like stabbing a brick wall because a brick wall is very hard and impervious to rapier attacks!"* Mo throws the kid aside and screams *"TIME TO KILL!!"* before launching a flurry of stabs with his serrated dagger. Raphina grabs some of what's left of the fake cake and spins, hurling it at Ricardo to try and blind him, but he dodges. Batthwack has been hanging back, because he doesn't really want to attack Ricardo. Instead he casts *Command*, telling Ricardo to *"Surrender"*, and then follows it up by casting *Sanctuary* on him, fearing that Gwen may not be in control of herself. Surprisingly, Batthwack's *Command* has the desired effect because Ricardo immediately stops fighting, lays down his sword and kneels down with his hands behind his head, all the while shimmering with the aura of the *Sanctuary* spell.

Gwen shakes her head and the *Rage* subsides. She crumples to the ground, crying. Mo wants to know if he should kill Ricardo, but they stop him. Batthwack ties Ricardo's hands. Will/Horace/Kenny asks Ricardo again, *"Where is our stuff?"* and he replies *"Maybe we should talk in private, without these prying eyes."* Will *messages* Batthwack to lead Ricardo towards the back door and at the same time Will/Horace/Kenny addresses the crowd, telling them that everything's fine and they should go home now. As he does so Ricardo yells out *"In the meantime, this group has caught Ricardo Ulysses, legendary thief!"* Raphina comforts Gwen before hurling some cake at the grumpy dwarf, which splats him on the back of the head as he's walking out. *"Goodbye, sir!"* The crowd has backed up a bit. A lot of people are talking to themselves and some have moved on. Some of the crowd look thoughtful as if these events might have given them something to think about. Will/Horace/Kenny continues to address them and asks the crowd if anyone has had anything stolen that they might want returned, but they say that the only one stealing things was Will/Horace/Kenny. Will is also keeping an eye out for *Tomorrow, Today!* employees, but nobody stands out.

Inside, Raphina continues to comfort Gwen who is very apologetic for her loss of composure earlier, saying *"That's not me. I didn't want to do that."*. Ricardo is dragged into the back room. Gwen and Raphina follow. Will casts *Create Bonfire* and starts a small fire to create a distraction and get the crowd's attention away from him and the group. This has the desired effect and while people are busily tending to this new (minor) emergency, he joins the others at the back of the store. Ricardo says to Gwen *"You've very sharp teeth! You almost bit my foot off."* Gwen apologizes and says she was upset. Ricardo laughs and says *"Why would you apologize to me? I stole your money!"* and the sudden show of honesty takes everyone aback. Will/Horace/Kenny asks Ricardo where the rest of their stuff is and he says he has it with him. He says some of it he unloaded in town, so they can probably find it at the various stores if they look around. Ricardo also tells Will to drop the disguise; it seems he's been aware who he was all along. Gwen asks where her money is and Ricardo says it's long gone. Raphina is angry, *"You just said you were keeping it close to you!"* and Ricardo replies, "Yes, I've got it with me. Why don't you search me?" and Raphina doesn't hesitate to get started. However, she's shocked to find that under Ricardo's clothes he is not made of flesh, revealing instead some sort of construct, mostly made of wood with metal parts. The group's not sure, but this automaton is possibly animated through magical means, unless it's just very sophisticated technology they're not familiar with. Underneath the mask is a roughly painted humanoid face, though the eyes are fairly detailed. Ricardo, somehow aspiring through the automaton, tells them that he was in town a few days ago but left before the party even got there. Gwen asks why he took her money, and Ricardo says he did it for fun, for the kudos and because it helps pay for things. Will is highly offended, saying that Ricardo isn't a real thief because his fame let's him get away with it. He challenges Ricardo to a thief-off and walks out. The automaton says *"I think perhaps this this body has served its purpose for now. Maybe you'll find me later. Right now I'm in Beartoggle but I don't think I'd be here very much longer."* He says he's headed to Carnivar after that. Ricardo tells them that he has most of their important things, and that a few of the other items that he didn't want to keep may be found in local shops. Will is still fuming loudly from the other room. Gwen says *"I have just one word for you: Karma."* Raphina takes a bit of the fake cake and does her best to gum up the automaton's mechanical workings with it. With this, the automaton shuts down. Raphina spots some wording carved onto the automaton's hip, which reads *"Is No Fun, Is No Blinsky!"*

## Quotes

* *"Welcome to Pork Fried Dice"* - Eric to Denise after her very first combat roll was a natural 1.

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Alex's comment after Raphina immediately starts strip-searching Ricardo.

## References

1. ↑ Thanks for looking this up KT! "Jig" is an old term for a lively dance in the Elizabethan era. The Word became slang for a practical joke or a trick.
2. ↑ Unable to quite recall the real name of the The Lazy Currant's owner, KT invents the name Horace Gusterson, but as everyone knows it's Kenneth Mullen of course!
3. ↑ He is in fact referring to Servo - see episode 203: Wa-Marko.
4. ↑ Dear listener, you may recall that Kee was killed while she and Will fell from the Airship Goodberry - see episode 172. It is interesting to note that Kee was only falling from the airship because Ricardo used her as a human shield to block Batthwack's *Thunderous Smite* - see episode 171.