The Smooth Taste of Pepsi, Crunchy Dice, and Himbos of the Solar System

D&Daniel

It's the 56th episode of probably bad podcast. And that's my favorite number. Hooray. Thanks to Hedwig and Carlo for making this all possible and all our other lovely patrons

Pencil

Hello, welcome to the probably bad podcast, a podcast, which is definitely bad i'm pencil

Paper

I'm paper. Today's probably bad idea is- is every super in the world has control over an elemental force. Sadly, each element can only be controlled by one person and your PCs arrived late. So they have to make do with things like styrofoam and Big Macs.

Pencil

So I was wanting to make use of this idea. But also I unironically, love it. It sounds amazing. You just have like the option of like creative uses of, oh, I can control pocket lint, and you have to figure out useful things to do like you can listen in on anyone's pocket because like you sense it through the pocket lint.

Paper

Yeah, I did pick this one specifically, because we did do that one mutants and masterminds game which had characters with control over things like yarn and earthworms.

Pencil

Yeah. Like that. Cuz like, you know, you've got fireballs, it's pretty obvious what you're going to do in each fight. You're going to throw some fireballs, maybe you're feeling creative, you're going to set some of the environment on fire. But like a giant kill bot is heading towards you and you have specifically the ability to control discarded crisp wrappers, what are you going to do because like, most of these elements are like, you know, you can control trash. And it's like, Okay, fine. Hahaha. But so there's a lot of trash around.

Paper

There really is plus you can make more of it. (Yeah) just carry some stuff around in your bag. Like, (you come prepared) somehow no trash around here. I'm gonna open this sweet and. And suddenly there's a wrapper.

Pencil

Yeah, like you definitely, there's definitely creative things of like, yeah, I can control the smooth taste of Pepsi. It's time for me to like get as many cans of Pepsi. And you can make that into some kind of like, advertising deal with Pepsi.

Paper

See, I think the problem with that one is that you specified you can only control the taste of Pepsi.

Pencil

Yeah, that will might be harder. But I'm sure there's some so

Paper

you have to make the flavor of Pepsi, something poisony and then feed it to the Big Bad and hoped that they'd just like psychosomatically die of Pepsi poisoning.

Pencil

Yeah, every time I eat some, like smell almonds, I just immediately assume is arsenic and die  is it arsenic or cyanide that smell like pois- almonds. The point is I immediately die.

Paper

I mean, that's the thing. If they don't know the chemistry of the poisons, you can just be like, ah, you know that vague citrusy taste in the back of your throat when you swallow it. That's cyanide

Pencil

which to be fair you don't actually need the power to change the taste of Pepsi for this. You just need a big bad to be really really dumb.

Paper

That's true. I mean, makes everything easier.

Pencil

They just had an Pepsi and you're going to go just say no, that wasn't Pepsi that was strict strict-teen. Like fuck. i'm going to Just die.

Paper

stricteen is my favorite poison.

Pencil

I'm pretty sure I pronounced that wrong, but oh, so they don't know that they're a dumbass. You know what street there's a very dangerous poison. I guess I'll die.

Paper

It's like Strychnine, but worse.

Pencil

It's like strychnine but it's a teenage one. So it's, you know, even worse.

Paper

I like the idea of strychteen as just the angst the angsty poison.

Pencil

Yeah. You drink it and you suddenly realize that your parents don't understand you. So yeah, I feel like what we've learned here is this a great plan as long as your big Bad's just is really dumb

And I think also, I do like the idea with like, Big Macs being a fundamental element of creation, because that's like what an element is. It's one of the fundamental things the universe is made of,

Paper

like how you're quibbling Big Macs but not Styrofoam.

Pencil

Really, everything's made of styrofoam.

You get down you get down to the fundamental level of reality, and we're just the packaging that the proper universe is wrapped in.

Paper

I Like the idea of, like having the power to control elements, but instead of, you know, Earth Wind and Fire, it's just like I can control platinum? I remove it from from the transformer in your car, so that it pollutes really badly and it is easier to follow. Probably not transformer I don't know cars

Pencil

no, it's the thing that makes it turn into turn to a giant man. Like, as long as your players like chemistry and full disclaimer, I do not know shit about chemistry. I got 3% in a chemistry exam at college.

Paper

That's, that's impressive in its own way.

Pencil

I don't even though what a chemical is like I am the person who was drinking a Pepsi go oh no, that might have been arsenic I literally have no way of knowing and keel over dead. I'm a big bad in this situation. But if your players do know things about chemistry and aren't me, you can probably do a lot of interesting things with like actual element benders, I'm sure the ideas will be come up with by people who know what they're talking about.

Paper

Just thinking about how the human body is a very delicate balance like you know, there's a little bit of gold in the human body if you have the power to control gold could you could you remove that from the human body and just kill them? Kill  the person in a really confusing way?

Pencil

Yeah, I mean, like, you could easily have a bunch of like element benders, and it would just be like kind of what can we remove from the human body and what will happen? Carbon benders probably going to have the best chance

Paper

although oxygen will be less horrific,

Pencil

yeah. Please write in say wherever you'd rather die from having all of the carbon in your body removed or all of the oxygen in your body removed.

Paper

Specific Yes, specifically send us a message on tumblr genuinely. What element would you remove from the human body in order to kill someone?

Pencil

And when we if we get an if we get 1000 patrons we will do this

Paper

I am trying to work out because Styrofoam it's kind of obvious how you kill someone with controlling that because you can just suffocate them. (Yeah) But once it's once the digestive process has begun, is it still elemental Big Mac?

Pencil

I feel like I feel like you know there'll be a stage where it's in the stomach. But it's still like recognizable. The Big Mac.

Paper

No because you start digesting the bread as soon as you take a bite. There's stuff in your saliva that digests bread

Pencil

Yeah, but I mean, yeah, it's still it will still be recognizable as partially digested Big Mac. At that point, you just make it grow really big.

Paper

Did you say make it grow really big? (Yeah) I guess it kind of depends on who's running the game because I'm not sure that I would allow something that has even just been digested by saliva to still count as elemental Big Mac.

Pencil

Yeah, I think I'd allow it as long as someone would look at it and go okay, that's you know, mushed up Big Mac as opposed to that's just a pile of sugars and carbohydrates.

Paper

So you maybe do a poll, like an independent polling beforehand. With pictures of big macs at various stages of digestion say is this recognizably a big mac?

Pencil

If you're having problems in your game with rules interpretation have an independent study of like 10,000 a sample size of like several hundreds to decide what people think do this every time

Paper

you revised that down real quick

Pencil

I did I suddenly realized that's a really big number. Get 10 people five one person may be maybe no people maybe just whisper it to an empty room.

Paper

Important question. Is it just Big Macs? Or is it burgers?

Pencil

I feel in this context, it's just Big Macs. Like maybe you have two people, one of whom can control any burger, like you know, regardless who makes it and one of whom could specifically control McDonald's foods and they're archenemies

Paper

thing is there is also the question of there's apparently a lot of burger places in Ireland just because they can get away with it because of people's names that are called Big Macs. If you can control Big Mac burgers like is this person especially powerful in Ireland?

Pencil

I feel Yes, because I like the idea of like the big bad tracks them down and it's like, Haha, there's no McDonald's in this small Irish town and then they're like, Well, that's what you think lift their fingers and Big Macs cooking just throws itself out of the window and hits the big bad in the face.

Paper

they'll never see it covering.

Pencil

Question, can they control Big Mac himself?

Paper

I mean, he would be classified as a big Mac. (yeah). So I guess I guess it's whether, like whatever capricious spirit has made this rule like, of the universe do they go by name or by structure?

Pencil

I don't know about having the power to turn anything into a big mac

Paper

Just because this always also comes becomes a problem with the styrofoam that's in the idea. That's a brand name (Yeah). is it polystyrene or just Styrofoam brand Styrofoam.

Pencil

I think okay, so here's my idea for a character is someone who worked for Styrofoam. The company is trying to expand their business, so that all like, plastic packaging is made by Styrofoam so they can control it all. And then they will become a god and rule over the world. make sense? Like, you know,

Paper

that's the big bad presumably

Pencil

yeah, the big bad is Timmy Styrofoam.

Paper

The son of the founder of styrofoam

Pencil

Yeah, they've rebranded their own name to be Styrofoam so they can control themselves and fly. I do like these weirdly linguistic loophole superpowers.

Paper

Honestly, there should be more of them. Superhero media has got stale. Like an old Big Mac.

Pencil

I can control anything where the first vowel is an E.

Paper

Oh, no, you could control me. (i have sto) a clue to paper's real name

Pencil

Feel free to send in your best guesses for this very small ARG we're now doing. Yeah, I can. Yeah, this is this is how I'm still allowed to stay in the podcast. I'm using my vowel powers. I can control anything, which is impossible to directly translate into French. i actually really like french.

Paper

Control anything french (huh?) control anything French.

Pencil

I can control everything in France. But as soon as it crosses the boundaries, it just I think because like, you know, super powers have always somewhat conceptual like I can control dolls, but not porcelain kind of thing. So why not just utterly conceptual ones. I can control anything that at least 2 million people have a phobia Oh,

Paper

I can control anything that this four year old can name

Pencil

like is it like does the power continues as the four year old gets older?

Paper

No. As soon as the four year old ages, it goes to a new four year old with the same birthday.

Pencil

But you're just you're just sent a new four year old every year.

Paper

You don't know who was sending them but they do seem tied to your powers.

Pencil

There's a very there's a deconstruction of superheroes in the sense of, you know, to kind of deconstruction where it's just what if people were being sent four year olds in boxes?

Do like, I feel they w- I do like in a kind of RPG kind of idea. Someone who can control what genre the game is in. Because in Mutants and Masterminds because you got, you know, the Golden Age of Comics, the Silver Age of Comics, the Iron Age of comics, and so forth. And it has different rules for like, play in those different areas, if you're playing in the Iron Age attacks do more damage, because everyone was murdering the shit out of each other. Whereas if you're playing in the Silver Age, you can't do the full damage because you know, it's a Silver Age comic and no one ever actually dies. And I do like the idea of a character who can change what rule system is be. Which of those rule modes is being used for each game. (that would be pretty wild) It'd be really obnoxious for the GM

Paper

would say apply different rule sets to different people like I I personally have Iron Age attacks. You have silver age attacks.

Pencil

I hope so like and also everyone obviously visible visibly changes so like when they use the Iron Age power on you. You look like you got huge muscles and a bunch of pouches over you whereas they're drawn in four colors.

Paper

the whole Just get subtly more sexual and grimdark

Pencil

Yeah, I have the power to specifically make other people's costumes sexier I think we've done this this I think what we've done this week is just got a list of cool superpowers.

Paper

Yes, play our new idea is play a game where all of these suggestions are characters, including the four year olds.

Pencil

Yeah, I have the power to summon four year olds it's not useful, but it sure is like a power

Paper

human shield?

Pencil

Yeah, I guess but I feel that stops you being a superhero very quickly. Like I can't I can't (who says you're a hero?) I can't see Superman continuing to hang out with you with your costume made of four year olds. I also like the idea of powers that are too big to be useful like yes I have the power to make the sun explode I can only do it once

Paper

Didn't you have a magic item in a game once that could like make the moon crash into the world?

Pencil

Yes, I did. Yes. It was a problem because on one hand it's really useful but on the other hand is that completely useless like yeah, I have the power to just make the moon -Yeah. I just have the power to make the sun go supernova and crash the moon into the earth. It will destroy everything. No, no saving throw including me. So give me a free pie.

Paper

Courtesy of our editor, One rock falls everyone dies. (Yeah). I think that's maybe the hint that we should move on to question.

Pencil

The guy who's the super villain who's just got like, you know, continent leveling powers and use it to extort minor innkeepers out of pies.

Paper

Not even money,

Pencil

just parked, they've never had pies growing up as a kid. And now they just desperately wants to enjoy the pies they were deprived of when they were young. And also they can sink islands beneath the waves

Paper

i like this is like Thanos level powers and Dr. Doofenshmirtz backstory.

Pencil

Yeah. parents weren't at their birth because they were too busy eating pies that they then never shared with them.

Paper

Oh,

Pencil

now they have an insatiable I think I've came up with a backstory for the hostess pies advertising supervillain. So there we go. We finally solved that mystery.

Paper

Yeah.

hazel

Hi, I'm Hazel, and I make a podcast with Liz cornbread and thread which you might enjoy. If you are a fan of food, or clothes, or other interesting parts of domestic history. We find out interesting facts about things like regional foods, ancient breeds of sheep. Pretty much anything domestic history. So if you'd like to know why it's illegal to import a sheep into Iceland, and what was presented by Queen Victoria to Harriet Tubman, then you might want to check out bread and thread. Find us at Bredon thread on Twitter. Or find us everywhere podcasts exist.

Pencil

Right. Our first question is anonymous. Which dice are the most delicious to eat?

Paper

Feel like you could get like this may be the obvious answer but a D100 Gobstopper. Must be a thing.

Pencil

Yeah. Like, I think D4s D4s will be too painful to eat because they'd be like sharp. I think D6s like you know, they're a bit of a cliche, but it's there's a reason why some like, you know, cliches, but they wouldn't be offensive to anyone. there'll be no-one who's like Yeah, I hate D6s

Paper

I can definitely see it being satisfying to just crunch down on one.

Pencil

Yeah, like that's sort of, they're sort of the safe choice. Like you know, if you give someone some D6s to eat it might not be their favorite but no one's gonna go

Paper

but we weren't asked what the safest choice is. Yeah, I think the problem is where we're talking more about what would be acceptable. (Yeah, that's fair) rather than what would be most delicious.

Pencil

In that case, I'm gonna say D 12. Because you know, a lot of people don't like D12 so it's a bit of a risky thing to serve. But they are sort of like, you know, the delicacy of dice. Like, you know, you're always using D 20s, D sixes and D 10s. And D fours, like they're a bit rarer but you know, they come up reasonably often, but you very rarely use a D 12. So, yeah, they like a delicacy.

Paper

Okay, so details like the dice you get at a fancy restaurant, whereas, D6 is like, (you know) microwave meal.

Pencil

Yeah, D 20. is like, you know, your standard, your standard meal, D4, D6. The Pot Noodle of dice, and D 12 is you splash out, you go to a fancy restaurant and like, here, so your D12. And then you crunch them down like a little goblin in your fancy suit.

Paper

I mean, if you really want a delicacy, maybe we need to look outside of standard D&D. What about the D36?

Pencil

Yeah, the D 36. is definitely like the equivalent of like, you know, one of those fancy truffles most people Yeah, like most people won't ever have one but it's probably really delicious. I assume I've never had a fancy truffle

Paper

You have a plate of D10s with some grated D 36. On top.

Pencil

Yeah. Like you know, you can't eat a full D 36.

Paper

I do feel like though we're missing the obvious answer. D8.

Pencil

Ayyyy. Yeah, I mean, that's the other idea- Yeah, there we go. Mystery solved. It's either the D36 or a wacky pun.

Paper

um, so the other question that we have today yeah, I put these two questions together because I thought one would be short and one would be a bit longer Dumb Question time or rather a challenge. What do you think the statblock of a planet would look like bonus if you distinguish between moons rocky worlds and gas giants?

Pencil

I think a planet would be a druid.

Paper

because of the power of nature.

Pencil

Yes, Also because I like the idea of a planet being to shape or shape shift into a totally normal bird.

Paper

I'm bored of having people on me now. bye.

Pencil

Goodbye. This is your new plot point in your next campaign is persuading the earth not to turn into a bird. But yes, I feel like highly strengthened high constitutional obviously. I think very high intelligence just cuz I like the idea.

Paper

I mean, you might as well make it eldritch if you're doing a stat block for a planet. (Yeah) No wisdom, though, in that it hasn't already banished the humans from it.

Pencil

I mean, also no wisdom because it doesn't have any ability to perceive the outside world. What I'm saying is all planets are sentient. But like they just have no ability to express it.

Paper

That makes me a little bit sad. Like it has all of this useless knowledge but no way to actually apply it. (yeah planets are-) Me as a six year old

Pencil

Me right now. Yeah, all planets are fully sentient. I feel like I think they have very high dexterity because they are going very fast.

Paper

They go very fast, but not under their own control is the thing.

Pencil

I mean, that's what we assume. Maybe planets just really like running in big circles.

Paper

And we've mistaken that for a fundamental force.

Pencil

Yeah, and at some point like one of the planets was like Wait no, i'm tired now and then just sits there and has a little nap and all the astronomers were like wait what the fuck is going on?

Paper

Maybe that's what black holes are the planets bedrooms.

Pencil

new disaster scenario of the planet just going right i'm tired now and then just beelining to the nearest black hole and everyone having to persuade it it should stay up a little bit longer

Paper

what would planets drinks for coffee.

Pencil

The sun that's what the sun's there for

Paper

I guess it's hot.

Pencil

And then it's like, oh no it's gone to like drink the sun. This is worse. Basically, what you need to do is very precisely manage your planets like tiredness and awakeness to stop it either careening into a black hole for a little nap or going into the sun for a little pick me up what you do is you dig a really big hole and you just keep pouring coffee into it

Paper

so the world can just absorb the coffee.

Pencil

Yeah think yeah, we've come up with a good plot a good campaign here that in no way answers the question.

Paper

Well, I feel like we've we've established it pretty well for rocky worlds. But they do also mention gas giants Yeah,

Pencil

gas giants are the himbos of the solar system. Like they have very low intelligence but very high charisma. And that's why everything orbits them.

Paper

I mean, they are also just very pretty.

Pencil

Yeah. Yeah, so gas giants are the himbos of the uni- of the of the Solar System

Yeah, they Oh, you also need to stop them going over to just like flirt with the other planets, which will probably be really bad for the life on those other planets. You need to persuade Jupiter that Earth's not into it before it comes over.

Paper

Because Jupiter is so sexy and charismatic ou do also have to convince that Jupiter's not into it. (Yes, you have) it's just leading you on.

Pencil

Yeah, you're ha-. Yeah, there's been an unfortunate romance blossoming between Earth and Jupiter. And this could be really bad for life on Earth, and my guess life on Jupiter. So you should do something about that, you need to break up Earth and Jupiter

Paper

before they collide and everyone suffocates?

Pencil

Yeah. I do really like the setting where all of the planets are sentient. And we've just got to persuade them not to do things that destroy the life on them. Like you need to keep getting the earth to keep orbiting rather than like, deciding to see what it's like over in the orc cloud.

Paper

are asteroids also sentient in this setting? Are they like planetary goblins?

Pencil

I feel asteroids are like planetary animals. So they're just running around barking and occasionally they're like, ooh, treat, treat and run towards other planets to to hang out. But you know, when a cat goes, goes up to you and just starts nudging you with his head in order to get food.

Paper

Yeah, (like that). Does that make Moons domesticated asteroids? They just keep hanging around near the planet?

Pencil

Yes, moons are your moons are your pets. Sometimes when you look up, the moon is wagging its tail.

Paper

horrifying.

Pencil

It's just like. So the issue is the earth keeps trying to like launch bits of itself into space to play catch with the with the moon and you need to persuade it not to do that. Just like oh, no, that's Moscow. We need that. And the earth is like, nope, off you go play fetch. And it's very happy and the earth is very happy and the people that are on earth are not very happy. They're actually quite sad

Paper

If the moon is well trained it will bring Moscow back eventually.

Pencil

Yeah. But like, I feel like the people of Moscow might not have had a good time. Also, I'm not sure how well trained the moon is. Like it's quite a bit bigger than a lot of random. Lots of lots of other moons.

Paper

But it does play dead every 28 days.

Pencil

That is true. Yeah, the moon moons waxing and waning is just various tricks that like the earth has taught it. You can also turn people into werewolves. That's another neat trick it knows.

Paper

I was I thought that that was the misbehavior that it still needs training out of. Like hit it with a giant solar system newspapers like no bad moon stop it

Pencil

you need to convince the earth to train the moon better, so it stops creating werewolves

Paper

That's what that song Bad Moon Rising is about.

Pencil

Yeah. There's a Bad Moon Rising and it's not going to get any treats until it stops it. This Yeah, this presumably makes the asteroid belt in the Orc cloud, like, you know, the wilderness of the solar system.

Paper

Yeah. Just kind of true.

Pencil

Yeah. Yeah, so there we go. We've learned we've learned a lot today. The sun I don't know if the sun is sentient, I think I guess the

Paper

we've established the sun is a cup of coffee.

Pencil

Yeah. I guess the sun is the equivalent of a plant in that. It's like, you know, feeding everyone But is specifically a coffee plant that grows coffee. That's how you get coffee or cups of coffee grow on plants.

And then you drink them.

Paper

To be fair human coffee does require the sun to grow. (Yeah) that proves it.

Pencil

Exactly every planet has coffee thanks to the sun. If you've land on Mars, you will notice lakes of coffee. NASA won't tell you about them.

Paper

They say there isn't liquid water they don't say anything about instant coffee.

Pencil

Just that yeah, there's no liquid water on on Mars there is admittedly large lake of vanilla milkshake. But look, we were looking for water so we didn't consider that relevant.

Paper

Oh, this is alternative records the feast of legends.

Pencil

I can't believe that feast of Legends takes place on Mars. The Mars Rover lands down and looks around at this just like this kingdom of people made of burgers and milk and it's just so yeah, no water here

Paper

it's just a little robot. It's it does what it's been programmed to do.

Pencil

I haven't found any water just dozens of life forms

I'd like to think mars and the mars rovers are friends.

Paper

We can't prove they're not.

Pencil

Mars is probably quite lonely. I feel because it used to have life and now it does not. And so it is like sad. Maybe because it went to go get get a cup of coffee

Paper

Don't make me feel sad for a planet.

Pencil

And now it's got little robots on it. It's like yay. So new idea. We send our Mars rovers over and and then we try and bring them back. But Mars is like no these are mine now. I'm going to give them sentience, and they're going to build a little robot civilization.

Paper

Okay, we're back to cute instead of sad now. I'm okay now.

Pencil

Yeah. And the mars is and yeah, so there's our little robot civilization on Mars. Every time a robot lands on Mars, Mars gives it sentience and has it set up this little little Mars kingdom. There was a Mars rover that landed on Mars, as as they are wont to do . That's a common thing they do. And it was obviously programmed to avoid dangerous situations. So it didn't immediately go clean off a cliff. And it just registered the entirety of Mars as a dangerous situation and refused to move until they reset it. And I don't know I really liked that Mars rover that just lands on Mars looks around and just screams until we switch its brain off.

Paper

You ruined a perfectly good rover. You gave it anxiety.

Pencil

Yeah, so Mars is a civilization of anxiety ridden Mars rovers all given sentience by Mars who wants to like, rebuild its long extinct biosphere.

Paper

On that note, we have a Patreon.

Pencil

If you'd like to contribute to rebuilding the biosphere of Mars, it's a long term stretch goal. But-

Paper

yeah, if we get 6 billion patrons. But yeah, what you can do is get access to bonus episodes, including two different Feast of Legends games, because we're gluttons for punishment. And also some good content. And also homebrew which includes I think this month was the rubber duck themed Dragon for reasons

Pencil

Yeah, the best kind of dragon

Paper

there's this patron exclusive Discord server where we sometimes play one shots and talk about games and things.

Pencil

Our reward is friends.

Paper

Yeah, we have like I consider some of our patrons friends at this point. Not just the ones who were friends before they became patrons, I

Pencil

consider all of my patrons mortal enemies come at me.

Paper

Yeah, if you have a question, you can message bad probably on Twitter, probably bad RPG ideas on Tumblr, or probably bad podcast@gmail.com where you can also just yell at us about how bad we are at astrophysics I guess if you really want to, we won't pay attention but you can.

Pencil

If you're if you want to argue that our claim that planets are sentient life forms that are constantly persuaded to avoid throwing themselves into black holes for a little nap. I regret to inform you that is the latest scientific consensus.

Paper

So on that note,

both

remember to have a probably bad day