Do You Remember PJ Mole?

Do you remember the Playhouse Disney character PJ Mole? He hosted a segment on the channel entitled; "PJ's Bedtime." It featured a puppet named PJ Mole who hosted the channel throughout the night until 8pm that is. The aim of the program was to help children get ready for bedtime. PJ had also had another show before named; "PJ's Storytime," during which PJ Mole reads a book with a famous celebrity. Well sometimes anyway. Most of the time they look an old BBC extra you found on a small street corner after breaking your leg in a family game of cricket.

From 2004 to 2007, PJ's Bedtime was a prominent feature on the network. Now prior to 2005, PJ was much more friendly and had a really whacky sounding voice. His eyes were also huge and bulging during this time. However, because of changes in the sociological mandates, Playhouse Disney opted to change PJ's design and give him a much more friendly and calmer sounding voice. From that point on, PJ Mole had a soft spoken voice, his eyes were now just small black pupils, and he was also much smaller in size. The original PJ Mole puppet was about 6 foot tall while the second one was only like 3 foot. Quite the downgrade if I may say so myself. He originally hosted the show with Big Dave and Oliva, but in 2006 the pair left due to the removal of presenters on the network. That's when PJ started hosting his show alone which lasted until 2007 when the show was finally cancelled for good. With that, PJ Mole fell into obscurity.

So at this point I bet you're all wondering why am I telling you all this? Well that is a very good question, and I have an even better answer. Let me explain some things. As a child, I was terrified of PJ Mole. PJ's nice and calm vibe didn't nothing to settle me in for the night, and I would have much preferred the more whacky and crazy version of PJ which Disney hated. "Now before you go to bed say goodnight to everyone in your house." PJ would say as I hid underneath a Winnie The Pooh blanket covered in Bramston Pickle. Every time dusk fell and night time came; I knew while watching Playhouse Disney not to stay after the program finished for PJ Mole would be waiting for me. He would be waiting to give me some nightmares, and oh man the nightmares! They were awful! However, I am not gonna bother explaining them to you cause well.... I'm a little lazy.

I never knew that PJ's Bedtime had ended until years after the fact when Playhouse Disney changed into Disney Junior. By this point, I having recently graduated from Fordham University managed to win the lottery. I used my winnings to buy a nightclub in Empire Bay. Now, in my nightclub we have a TV where people can watch the sports channel hosted by Mickey Mouse inside my house. However, one day an incredibly fat man wearing a large bulky trenchcoat ordered me to change the channel over to Disney Junior. "Why?" I asked. "Just do as your fucking told." The man said as he threw a huge bag of gold coins onto the bar table. I quickly grabbed the bag off the counter, and changed the channel over to Disney Junior. I looked at my pocket watch, and saw that it had just 6. It was time to see PJ's Bedtime after all these years.

On the TV, Mickey Mouse Mixed-Up Adventures had just finished, and was playing the credits. After the credits ended, nothing happened. It just cut to a commercial for Tesco branded pull pork. "What the fuck!? Where be me PJ Mole?" I asked as the fat guy let out a massive fart which made the entire bar crumble to the floor in a pile of dust. "Didn't ya hear? PJ Mole hasn't been on this channel since 2007." The man then continued with, "after Dave and Oliva left; PJ just couldn't bring in the viewing numbers so the head of the company at the time Ronald Moustache opted to get rid of him." I then opened up my phone, and I tried browsing YouTube and Google to see if any episodes of PJ's Bedtime existed. There was nothing! Absolutely nothing! I did manage to find a few episodes of PJ's Storytime which had been uploaded onto YouTube, but that's not what I fucking wanted! I poured myself a glass of scotch pre-war and asked the fat guy. "You came here for a reason didn't you? You wanted me to know PJ's Bedtime is no more didn't you?"

The fat guy got up from the bar stall, and gestured for me to follow him. The two of us made our way outside the nightclub onto the busy streets of Empire Bay. We made our way down a few blocks until we reached the fat guy's car. We got into the car, and found that the fat guy had an assistant named Fritz who would be driving us. "Take us to Hartley Dale Fritz." The fat man ordered as Fritz responded with, "will do Sir!" As we began speeding down the busy streets, I asked the fat guy, "hey um isn't Hartley Dale like in London or something? We'll have to cross the sea." "No need." The fat guy said as Fritz hit a huge red button which lay above the dashboard. Suddenly, the car grew wings and flew through the early evening sky. We flew above the grey murky ocean and above the Culver Dam. We flew for what seemed like hours until we eventually landed in a small playpark area which was located in Hartley Dale.

Exiting the car, I asked the fat guy to reveal himself to me. "Oh alright matey." The man said as he removed his trenchcoat and hat revealing him to be none other than.... actually I don't know so I asked him for his name. "The name's Richard. Richard Fatchurd." Fatchurd then winked at the wall as he ordered Fritz to lock the car. After Fritz locked it, the three of us made our way down the seemingly deserted streets. It was so quiet, and the streets were damp and dirty as a small shower of rain had just been past. While walking, I eventually asked Fatchurd where we were headed. "We're going to go see Joseph Green. He ran Playhouse Disney from 2008 to 2011. He must have some answers." Fatchurd explained as I asked, "well couldn't we just ask Mr Moustache about it. Since he was in charge when PJ Mole was still airing new episodes?" "Sadly no. Mr Moustache died many moons ago after getting struck by a smooth criminal." Fatchurd then burst into a funky dance as did Fritz before we arrived at the residence of Joseph Green. I heard about Green. He was chairman of Playhouse Disney's London division until he took early retirement in 2011. These days, Green works as the chairman of a sugar company based in Hartley Dale.

Arriving at Joseph Green's house, I knocked on the door a few times before getting thrown across the front porch by Richard Fatchurd's humongous belly. The door opened by itself, as we let ourselves in. Also, I should mention that while walking into the house a group of massive slugs began singing to me. "Beware... beware!" The slugs sang before Fritz accidentally or intentionally maybe stepped on them killing them all instantly. "Oh bother." Fritz muttered as he began inspecting his shoe which was now covered in crushed slug guts. I made my way inside the house locking Fritz outside because I hated him. Why did I hate Fritz despite only knowing him for less than an hour? No reason for it. I just did.

Fatchurd and I made our way into the living room where Joseph Green was placing three cups of boiling hot tea onto the coffee table. "So what's the problem Fatchurdy?" Green asked before getting a slap across the face from Fatchurd's belly. "Don't you dare call me that!" Fatchurd warned before continuing with, "we're here to talk to you about.... PJ Mole." Green's face suddenly turned green like Shrek as he said, "I see. Actually I don't follow." So, I made myself comfy on the sofa as Fatchurd explained the story to Green who smiled wickedly with each detail of the story.

After the story finished, Joseph Green took a sip from his cup of tea as he said, "hmm well to be honest with you boys. I haven't really got an answer as to what happened to PJ Mole." "What do you mean you don't have an answer?" I asked in an annoyed tone. "Well allow me to explain." Green said as he sat down on the sofa next to me as did Fatchurd. Sadly, Fatchurd sat down with far too much force which caused the sofa to go up into the sky for awhile. We eventually came back down as Joseph Green began to tell us his story.

In 2002, Joseph Green joined the Playhouse Disney London Branch as a script writer having written a few scripts for the regular Disney channel. Over the years, Green rose to become a high-ranking executive of the company who answered directly to Ronald Moustache. In 2006, Green on Moustache's orders was tasked with checking an episode of PJ's Bedtime which according to Moustache just wasn't correct. According to Green, the episode started as normal with PJ Mole sitting in his bed talking to the viewer about brushing their teeth. That's however when things took turn for the worst. "Do you like demons?" PJ asked he took off his green glasses revealing his eyes to be bloodshot red. His eyes then began glowing, and shot a laser right through the TV screen which hit Joseph right in the head. The laser caused nearly all of Green's hair to fall out, and for him to fall onto the floor in pain. Meanwhile, PJ smiled and his teeth were as sharp as knives, and his mouth looked swollen. Maybe he was stung by a bumblebee. Also, not really sure how Joseph Green was able to know about PJ smiling since he was supposed to be passed out. Whatever, I don't have time to dwell on that right now.

Joseph Green then went on to explain that following Dave and Oliva's depature, PJ became a hard puppet to be around. His attitude caused big problems as he demanded to be paid one million dollars per recording session. He also became part of Playhouse Disney's inner circle even getting a promotion to Ronald Moustache's second in command and personal liaison. Green then explained that PJ had big plans to change Playhouse Disney into a multi media company. He also planned on inserting microtransactions into the game in order to con unsuspecting parents into paying PJ a huge sum of cash. If they refused to pay the fines, PJ would send enforcers to threaten them by holding guns towards a turkey sandwich. Thankfully, Ronald Moustache saw that PJ had evil in his heart, and locked him in a box in his basement. He lit a cigarette as he said, "I'm gonna set you on fire you wee bastard!" Sadly, Moustache ended up dying on the spot before he could set the box on fire due to an undigested bit of beef.

Following Moustache's death, the box containing PJ Mole was transferred to Playhouse Disney Headquarters in London. Playhouse Disney not wanting to look responsible for Moustache's death told the public that Moustache died after being struck with dental plans by a smooth criminal. Not sure how would that kill him but whatever. Joseph Green meanwhile replaced Moustache as chairman, and forbade anyone at the company from ever mentioning Moustache's name ever again. Also, the box containing PJ Mole as instructed by Moustache's will was placed in the deep dark caverns hidden underneath Playhouse Disney Headquarters.

After telling us the story, Green explained that he could take us to see PJ Mole as he still had the key to the front door. "Lead the way Mr Green." I said like some kind of Conductor as we made our way back outside where Fritz was busy reading a newspaper regarding the rise in stocks. "Eh you done Sir? Fritz asked as he put the newspaper down onto the car bonnet. "Yeah we're done here. Take us to Playhouse Disney Headquarters." Fatchurd said as we made our way into the car. We then began speeding towards Playhouse Disney Headquarters all the while singing classic 1970's jazz music.

At Playhouse Disney Headquarters, we found that there to be only one security guard on duty. He was sitting inside a small security kiosk drinking from a mug of coffee. "Oh come over here!" Fatchurd proclaimed in a voice which sounded like Matt Berry. This caused the security guard to rush out of the kiosk in search of the voice even though we were standing in plain sight. Don't judge for that security guard has no toenails. How incredibly interesting as that sarcastic Viking once said. Fritz ran inside the kiosk and sprinkled an entire bottle of laxative into the guard's coffee and also mixed the keys around. Upon returning to the kiosk, the guard took one huge sip from the coffee before going, "oh no!" He then ran out of the kiosk farting violently as he did so. You know we probably killed that guard by putting a whole bottle of laxatives into his coffee, but what whatever its not like you care right? No I thought you didn't!

With the security guard distracted, we made our way inside the building with Green unlocking the front entrance for us. We made our way down the deserted hallways, and made a brief stop at the canteen to pick up some refreshments with Richard Fatchurd eating some leftover chicken wings. "Like a bloody demented animal." I muttered as I stuffed my face into a huge hamburger with pickled onion sauce. After we were done eating our meals, we made our way towards the library. Yes Playhouse Disney had a library for reasons I shall soon tell you. "Right so what now?" I asked only to get told by Fatchurd to focus on my toe. Whatever the fuck that means. I think it has something to do with the Cartels in Scotland or something. "The secret entrance must be around here somewhere." Green said as we began browsing through the entire library in search of the entrance to the caverns. That's when I saw a book which caught my attention. It was The Care And Feeding Of A Grinch. I went to pick it up which caused the entire book shelf to start shaking violently. "What the fudge did you now?" Fatchurd asked who was busy reading a book on cupcakes and kitchen essentials.

Suddenly, the book shelve rose high up into the sky revealing a dark passageway to have been hidden behind it's books of knowledge. I threw my book down onto the ground, as we made our way inside the alleyway once again leaving Fritz behind who had taken a nap on one of the old deck chairs in the canteen. "It looks a bit dark have you brought a light?" I asked Green who responded with, "is a Smurf's butt blue?" "I... don't.... know." I said awkwardly as Richard made two large torches appear magically. Green used his lighter to light the torches as the three of us made our way deeper and deeper into the dark, damp, and downright smelly alleyway. This was until we reached a large yellow staircase which led into the caverns. However, Fatchurd suggested that we use the conveniently placed elevator instead, and we agreed with him. Inside the elevator, we found it strange that the machine just wouldn't budge and pressed the emergency button. That's when purple gas emerged from the air vents causing us to all pass out onto the floor. Thankfully, we all passed out onto Fatchurd's belly because if he passed out onto us I'm pretty sure that we would be dead.

We awoke a couple hours later after in a daze. "Oh did you hurt yourself?" A voice asked as none other than PJ Mole revealed himself to us. "PJ? PJ Mole?" I asked dumbfounded as I discovered that me and my friends were chained to the ceiling. "Indeed. You are very clever to have found my hidey hole. Now perhaps it's time for me to explain some things." PJ said as he sat down on a small red chair located in the centre of the sitting room. Yes we just being held captive in someone's sitting room. How incredibly terrifying! I mean Harry Hill's TV Burp was playing on the telly in the background. Now that's true fear if I may say so myself.

PJ Mole then began PJ Mole then began telling us his story. You see; PJ Mole was actually not a puppet he was completely real. He was born in a small council estate with a twin brother named RJ Mole. RJ Mole was the original PJ Mole puppet which appeared from 2004 to 2005. RJ was the good and much louder sibling while PJ was the quiet but cold and calculating sibling. PJ Mole was jealous of his twin brother's succus and so arranged for RJ to be replaced by himself. He manipulated Moustache into firing his brother as PJ claimed RJ's crazy and overly loud nature would intimidate kids. With RJ gone, PJ Mole had his brother shipped off to Timbuktu on the same truck which once carried Edgar Balthazar away many moons ago. So sad.

Once RJ was taken care of, PJ also convinced Moustache to axe off Big Dave and Olive. Big Dave and Olive disgraced with PJ's lack of empathy decided to quit before Moustache even had a chance to. fire them. RJ was very clever however, and was able to break free from his crate just as the truck was taking a scenic route through Paris. While in Paris, RJ joined a local comedy club where his routine won the attention of local talent agent Doug Dimmerdome former owner of the Dimsdale Dimmerdome. "RJ." Doug says as he continued with, "that act of yours is genius. The pickle, the peanut, the crust, and the gravy! What are yer calling it?" Before RJ could even answer he was thrown into a small large brown bag. When he awoke, RJ found himself held captive in the caverns underneath Playhouse Disney Headquarters. "Now you work for me!" Mr Piggy owner of Pig Homes proclaimed as he forced RJ Mole to do manual labour like washing mine carts and drinking tea. It was back breaking work. So, PJ Mole was Mr Piggy's boss, and was responsible for Pig Homes.

PJ Mole then revealed that he had been plotting against the world for their harsh judgement of him. He always compared to his dumber but far more successful brother. After being exiled to the caverns alongside his brother, PJ has been plotting nonstop with the help of Mr Piggy and two familiar faces. Those being the Bee Bear Hybrid and Moley. Yes PJ was responsible for creating the two horrid ambonations known as Moley and Bee Bear. With the pair's help, PJ Mole offered their services to Rockstar Studios who would use the pair to silence anyone who complained about their games. I then asked PJ Mole what his evil plan was, and he responded with, "well let me tell you. If you like you can put your pyjamas on too!" "What?" I asked as PJ Mole explained his masterplan.

PJ Mole and Mr Piggy were going to take over Great Britain by locking Boris Johnson inside a fridge. With Johnson gone, PJ Mole will assume the role of Boris' long lost brother Morris. With the perfect alias and cover story. PJ will take control of government. Once in control of the government, PJ will unleash his secret weapon known only as Chemical 57. Chemical 57 is an advanced chemical gas which will turn everyone in the city into horrid demon creatures like Bee Bear and Moley. PJ Mole also planned on renaming United Kingdom to the United Moledom. How creative. Mr Piggy meanwhile will cook meals. Richard Fatchurd then proceeded to tell PJ Mole and Mr Piggy that they would never get away with this. Mr Piggy responded to this by grabbing Fatchurd by the neck and lifting him high up into the air. Surprised he didn't break his back lifting Fatchurd up into the air I got to be honest with you. "Do you know what happens when you challenge our supreme ruler?" Mr Piggy asked rhetorically as he held a dagger to Fatchurd's fat fucking neck. "This!" Mr Piggy yelled when all of the sudden a large pin caught him right in his forehead. I looked over to where the shot came from, and saw it that came from none other than RJ Mole himself.

Mr Piggy then flew around the room deflating like a balloon. "Ah! Lucky shot!" Mr Piggy cried as he fell to the floor completely deflated. "Golly!" I remarked as he picked up Mr Piggy's skin, and began eating it. It did not taste like bacon I'll tell ya that much! No it tasted like Marmite. I vomited onto the floor like anyone would after eating Marmite. That's when I noticed that PJ Mole had disappeared in a cloud of smoke leaving us to be killed by the Bee Bear Hybrid and Moley. "You're so yum yum yum yummy fat fat fat!" Moley sang as the Bee Bear Hybrid also sang with, "OMG I'm a I'm a Bee Bear. I love honey put it in my tummy cause you know I love your honey!" Richard Fatchurd pulled out a large shotgun. Where had he been keeping that? That could have been really useful earlier ya know? Whatever, before Fatchurd could kill the two demon creatures he was warned off by RJ who said, "don't bother. These two fools lost their minds years ago. Bee Bear used to be a successful loan manager from Bazooka City, and Moley he was once an acclaimed BBC extra. "What are you talking about?" Fatchurd asked as he lowered his shotgun towards the ground. "PJ captured them, and corrupted them with Chemical 57. They were once cute and very happy animals now they're sadistic bastards." "Right so what now then?" I asked to which RJ responded with, "we got to get my bastard of a brother before he destroys the world."

With RJ's help, we made our way out of Playhouse Disney Headquarters. We walked past the security guard from earlier who was still having trouble getting into the bathroom. "Come on!" The guard cried as he continued trying to open the door with the wrong key. So sad. He also didn't notice us again despite me taking his wallet. Yes I'm quite a bastard. Arriving outside the building, we made our way into the parking lot only to find that Fatchurd's car had been taken by PJ Mole. That's when Joseph Green remembered something. "Hey guys where's Fritz?" Green asked when all of the sudden a Taxi spaceship appeared from behind us. Also, Globox was parked in the front seat next to him. "Right so where to?" Globox asked as we all made our way into the spaceship. "Quit dawdling we need help!" RJ proclaimed as we began speeding towards the police station. RJ told us that if we wanted to take down PJ Mole we would need the help of Sam and Max along with some other people he knows including Gareth Eggplant. Oh gosh not that gobshite!

Suddenly, as if by magic, the ship began crashing towards the ground at an alarming speed. "Hey what the fuck is going on here!?" Joseph Green asked when all of the sudden his chair ejected causing him to fly high up into the early morning sky. "Joseph!" I cried at the very top of my lungs as we pleaded and pleaded for Globox and Fritz to fly higher. "I don't know how to fly!" Globox admitted as the ship crashed through a nearby garden. Our ship drilled through the muddy underground until and I'm not even joking here we reached the centre of the Earth. This is when I passed out completely.

Not even two minutes had passed, and I awoke finding myself once again tied up as were RJ, Green, and Fatchurd. Globox and Fritz meanwhile were nowhere to be seen. "What the fuck is going on here!? We only just done escaping from one asshole!" I yelled angrily when all of the sudden our new captors decided to make their presence known. They were... um drum roll please.... they were.... they were.... they were mole people who also had incredibly long and nasty looking fingernails, Seriously, guys cut your fingernails don't be like a mole person and let them grow so much that you look like Freddie Krueger. "We are the Mole People Mole People! We'd like to ask a favour of you!" The Mole People sang as they began lowering us towards a large deep pit of lava. The lava burnt the top of my hair as me and my friends began sweating more bullets than a bullet train in Parker Turn.

So will we be able to escape this fiery death trap? Will we be able to bring peace to the Mole People. Will we be able to reunite with Fritz and Globox? Will we ever be able to defeat PJ Mole before he destroys the entire United Kingdom! Will I ever stop asking such annoying ass questions? Found out soon!