recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Patterson

A Witch Hunter assigned to guarding The Forbidden Zone in Boy Do We Ever Have Such Sights! He and another Witch Hunter Gimlin are the only two that can see Cordelia when she vanishes into the woods with her natural sasquatch chamoflauge. The two hunters form a deep bond over the powerful memory.

They are named after the Patterson-Gimlin film that famously depicts footage of an alleged Bigfoot.
Pumpkin

A halfling who works with Miracle Michael. He dresses up as a young sasquatch, interrupting the show to ask if they'll be hunted. Michael reassures him, helping win the crowd's sympathy.

When the party visits Michael's dressing room, Bellow finds him hiding inside a box. Turning into a mouse scares him out of hiding. Michael and Pumpkin confess that Pumpkin is indeed a plant but that he's nothing more than a bit of showmanship and their intentions are true. The party leaves them alone, but Frederick warns him away from Leafy Green Surprise with her fondness for the short.
New and Improved Queen

The queen of a hive of bees the party meets in Professor Outside. She is a bee with long blonde hair and her bees are obsessed with serving her, even knowing that they will die after their first act in her name.
Cordelia claims to be an old friend of the queen, so the bees escort her head inside the hive. The queen can only remember things for about three minutes, so she assumes she forgot about her and welcomes her. She offers her honey, but the party had already stolen some so Cordelia attempts to duck out early. The queen is outraged that she leaves without being dismissed so she sends her swarm after her. Frederick uses his Sleep and Gaseous Form spells to smoke out the bees, knocking them out and causing them all to crash and explode. The queen is included in the casualties.
Robespierre's

A clothing store in Payola run by Jean-Luc Robespierre. He is assisted by Bidet and Merde, the goblins who gather his customers' measurements. While capable of creating everything from classy attire to trench coats for crafty children, Jean-Luc is known to give out some of his clothes simply that they been worn for the sake of fashion.

The shop was very famous and beloved in its time. Jean-Luc famously served as the royal tailor for years, and many of the royal guards and nobles had their clothes custom-made by him.
Jean-Luc Robespierre

A drow tailor and owner of Robespierre's, a clothing store in Payola. He believes in the boundless potential of fashion and sells the party their clothes needed to attend The Power Ball. Common is not his first language, as exemplified by his outrageously French accent.

The party comes to him and he gladly tailors their outfits, working with incredible efficiency with his assistant goblins Bidet and Merde. He even agrees to give them out for free if they wear them with pride and embody what the outfits represent. While cooperative and friendly with most of the party, Jean-Luc is quick to turn on Smellulus for the slightest disrespect. He refuses to let his goblins measure him and insists he will only create an ill-fitting clown outfit because that's all he sees in him. Smellulus feels betrayed and furious, attacking Jean-Luc with his tusks. He dodges around it, summoning his scarves to him that cling to his body and undergoes a magical girl-style transformation while forcing Smellulus to suddenly find himself wearing a clown costume. He wishes them well and sends them off.

In the post-credits scene of Come At the King: Chapter 5, an unaware Jean-Luc reads his morning paper and is stunned by the news about the emperor. He quietly fires and sends away Bidet and Merde, seeing them to safety just before the guards break down his door.

## Trivia

* While he sells many fine garments, Jean-Luc is not above selling trench coats to children who stand on each other’s shoulders to see adult movies.
* Jean-Luc is the first character besides Snake Professional to narrate an outro for Come At The King.
* His fabrics include only the finest spider silk. He assures his customers that they were obtained humanely by killing the spiders that were shot in the back of the head while thinking of a fond memory. They obtain much less silk this way, but he insists it is only the best for his customers.
* In Rude Talks of Chatting, the cast is asked what kind of sandwich their character would be. Branson says that Jean-Luc would be a single, very long piece of bread.
* Jean-Luc was featured on a limited-run mug during Cry Out Loud! Cry Out Proud! You're Only Crying For Freedom!
Mermaids

Aquatic, pale humanoids with the lower bodies of fish. Some inhabit The Kay River where they ambush the party in We Get To Have You. They also play a minor role in Married To The Sea.

Mermaids can survive for short periods of time on dry land, and describe it as very painful. They are able to speak in Common, but they find it very difficult to do in the open air. They can be understood normally while they are underwater, but the fact that they are speaking with gills makes them sound louder and angrier than they may mean to.
James Woods

*"Keep The James Woods jaunty!*

*Signed, the sign makers of The Trashlands James Woods division."*

A forest between The Teenage Woods and Brian Doyle Falls. It is briefly mentioned in It's A Calling. Its name is a play on the actor James Woods.

The party travels through these woods to go from Brian Doyle Falls to Polaris University. Bellow is quite familiar with the path, and points out that it is home to more traditional types. He mentions falconers, jousters, and elves reading epic poems among them. It is also home to The Virtuous Bandits. Locals tend to speak in ye olde English, though they consider rhyming your speech to be "bonus points."

Where the James Woods meets the Teenage Woods, the colliding winds form The Skin-Eating Storm. The permanent weather anomaly forces travelers to pass through a narrow safe path without the means of flying over it.

## Trivia

* The wind in the James Woods always travels clockwise.
Lexicon Matters

*"I have done what no man before me has done. I have founded a college. Am I not entitled to ONE unforgettable dining experience?"*- Lexicon Matters after being discovered eating his daughter

The founder of Lexicon Matters' School For the Brave, later renamed Polaris University. Despite his great contribution to education, the school is no longer named after him. This is because shortly after opening the school, he was found eating his daughter. He defended his actions by claiming that by doing what no one else had done before, he deserved "an unforgettable dining experience."

Several of his books, including one titled *An Account of My Innocence*, are still on campus, claiming there will be a day when he is pardoned for his crimes when everyone is so enlightened that they will all eat their own daughters. Pages from the same book are pinned up in Rainn Anatomies' hidden laboratory, used as the center for his board tracking the conspiracy of the missing university.

In the episode Crossroads, the demon Pebis arrives to interfere with the party's quest to Hell. He mentions that Lexicon himself sent him to stop them. The party quickly deduces that Lexicon is in Hell and that Lexicon would want to keep the school as his own rather than return it. Pebis confirms in Goblin Mode that Lexicon has been behind all of their demonic interference and (through unknown means) has compelled the demons to stop the party in their tracks rather than kill them. He also shows them an advertisement for the new hellish Lexicon Matter's School For the Damned, where Lexicon is revealed to be a handsome man with massively long rubberhose style limbs who has taken back his school and is using it to give degrees to demons.

## Trivia

* Lexicon had eaten his father before he ate his daughter. His daughter was simply the one he got caught with.
* Lexicon's lengthy arms are a result of his execution by being drawn and quartered, since one's body in Hell reflects the way that they died.
* Lexicon's daughter is never named, but she does make an appearance in And Just Like That.... Despite Lexicon having eaten her, they appear to be on good terms. As she sings "*You may think my fate is tragic but that's one thing that it ain't. Just because I got all gobbled up by my papa, that don't make this girl a saint."*
Escape From Planet Time

An online live show that streamed on 8/28 in 2020. The original party of Rude Tales of Magic must travel through time to save their own skin (and bones). It featured celebrity appearances and a link to exclusive merchandise.

Since it was paid content, details won't be shared on this page until it becomes public.
Hibiscus Heracles

A researcher of demons briefly mentioned in Virginia's book of demonology. He theorizes that Cheddar was the first of the wandering demons, ones without a true form. He suggests that due to a birth defect, Cheddar is unable to settle in a true body without destroying it, leaving him unable to ever rest.
Mothra-Tau-Delta

A sorority on campus at Polaris University. It is inclusive to many races and was lead by Reena Hanowary before the school's disappearance.

## Ritual Text

*Our Heavenly Demonic Overlord:*

*We ask that you stay with us and guide us during Finals!*

*And we ask that you give us an unforgettable summer.*

*And if we fail you may blood run from our eyes-*

*And may the heavens fall from the skies-*

*And may everyone we have ever known or loved be buried alive and they cannot die-*

*And they're covered in spiders and the spiders cannot die either.*

*Bless us.*

*Hell rules!*

## Members

Cordelia Sasquatch

Albeara "Albee" Dawn

Reena Hanowary

Organa

Tilda

Floating Wolf Orb

## Trivia

* The sorority has a ritual before finals for good luck. While it has been done many times before, this is suspected to be what triggered the disappearance of Polaris University.

* When the party receives magic items from The Bloody Bloody Gentlemen's wagon, Cordelia obtains several patches with the emblem for Mothra Tau Delta on them.
* Ulcer Anatomies refers to Mothra Tau Delta as a sorority founded by “a damned soul.”
* Mothra Tau members like to call themselves "Mothys."
Jerry

A semi-intelligent dog that meets the party in the tunnels beneath The Switchblades. He has been searching for two years (fourteen dog years) trying to find The Room of Wonders to grant his every desire. He constantly searches by following the rumor of going against the flow of water in the caves. Considering that he never seems to find it, the party realizes that the rumor is wrong and they find it by following the water.

When they reach The Room of Wonders, Bellow wishes that Jerry was there as well. He appears, much to his delight, but it is explained by Pope Bonoducci the Infinitieth that this is simply an illusion of him and that the real Jerry is presumably still lost. Bonoducci also speculates that Jerry may have already found the cave once, gotten weary of its life, and left, only to give in to the urge to return to its comfort.

## Trivia

* Jerry has killed many travelers he's met in the tunnels, but he spares the party since he had just eaten one. He likes to take their shoes as trophies, wearing them on his hind legs.
* The summoned Jerry in The Room of Wonders fulfills his dream of chasing a tail that's not attached to his body, leaving the party behind almost instantly.
* Jerry's name is a gag based on the band Mungo Jerry, since the dog the players speak to in Ruleshaven was named Mungo.
Jesus Christ (troll)

*“Is this working? I’m trying to trick you.”*

A 16 foot tall blue troll encountered in the episode Goblin Mode. He is large, strong, and not very bright. He chose his name after living alone in the woods, unaware that the name was "taken." He wears nothing but a belt and a pin that reads "Ask me about my hole."

He discovers the party sleeping in his part of the woods and decides to eat them. When they can't talk him out of it, they try to fight him but can't manage to pierce his thick skin. Jesus Christ swallows Albee whole, but the rest of the party dives in after her. They end up clogging his throat and choking him to death before he's eaten from the inside out by Stirfry's rats.

## Quotes

* *"It's an honor to be eaten. I WOULD ASSUME!"*

## Trivia

* Jesus Christ turns flesh colored instead of blue when he's choking
* He has a 100 year old wise man living in his "other hole."
* Jesus Christ's innocently naming himself after a religious figure is much like the origin of the town called Hell.
Senator Pepsi

One of the more civil of The Brothers Pepsi. He is a halfling with white hair and the cook at The Delighted Wife. Senator was named after the elected officials from days long past, but holds no office of his own. When the party returns to Soaking Valley, he is working at Scrum South serving in the resistance.
Senator persists on being warm and polite to everyone, though this results in mixed success. He tends to talk over people, even if it's to compliment them mid-sentence.

## Trivia

* He claims that eggs are vegan as they are "technically seeds."
* On the Rude Tales of Magic Patreon, Senator Pepsi has a full-length commentary on the movie Space Jam.
* Senator has been married and divorced many times.
* He uses a mind palace to recall things from his past. His mind palace is set in a field where he lost his virginity, so this is used with mixed success since there are no distinguishing landmarks.
* Senator fancies himself a Christian and dislikes condoms.
Ruth Whiskysour

One of many citizens of Ruleshaven attending Bellow’s meeting after he rings the bell. She is a married woman who puts on a musical number (complete with backup dancers) pitching her idea of a “three second rule” to be legally enforced for her husband.

Bellow denies her idea, stating that she should just communicate with her husband. This creates the new law that all marriage must be built on communication and trust.

## Trivia

* The character is a reference to a video/song performed by Lisa Gail Allred.
Idonriel Evenfate

The accomplice of Askey Copperbell and later Trixie Gearscreech.

Due to an attack on Arclight HQ and the incarceration of Ermalina Sparkblade he is listed as hostile to the organization. Caution is advised.

#### Attack on Arclight

Several weeks after the initial questioning from the Kirin Tor mages a magical disturbance was noticed outside HQ leading to a mechanical orb, floating near the Cog Gate at the entrance to the valley. Upon touching the orb Arclight where transported to a floating island assumed to be located within the Twisting Nether. The Association dispatched a large arcane construct and several arcane elementals before finding their way back to the Cog Gate.

Upon returning to HQ it was discovered the attack was merely a diversion to stage a break in. Multiple files were missing from Wilson's office.

#### Kobold Menace

Via Gnomeregan command Astrid Glimmerbolt brought a series of recent kobold attacks to Arclight's attention. It was within the report that the Silver Stream mine had been largely cleared out and was free for the research team to explore. However upon entering the cave it was made apparent many kobolds were present.

Currently no action has been taken against Evenfate or his position within the Kirin Tor.
Heaven

Heaven is a possible location for the afterlife depicted as being very peaceful and full of angels. It is a major facet of Catholicism. It has been featured in several non-canon episodes, usually with dying characters (such as Stirfry) being instantly sent into Heaven when they die.

Many deities of Cordelia offer similar afterlives with their own twists or planes involved. Heaven is later shown to offer guardian angels, protecting and guiding those in the world of the living.
Samantha Tarter

Bellow's prom date from high school. Not much is known about her, but Bellow's sisters Val and Mandy forced her to answer their questions concerning logic and morality before she was allowed to go on their date. This appears to be standard hazing and bullying they perform to initiate Bellow's dates.
Rahm Ulceris

A twenty-something security guard at Polaris University. He's unsure of himself and weak-willed to the point of allowing Frederick to rename him Douglas and fully accepting this. He suffers from acne.

He catches Frederick and Stirfry trying to steal the answers to the finals. He threatens them with a security wand, but Stirfry convinces him to work with them by promising to boil him a cake.

Rahm/Douglas was caught leaning in to check on the duo when Polaris University disappeared, severing him in half and killing him.

Douglas returns in the episode Nice ?!? as a current RA at the hellbound Polaris University. To reflect his death, his front half has been removed to leave him a gruesome, open corpse of a man. He is displeased to meet Frederick again, but has long since conceded to calling himself Douglas. He remains loyal to "the once and future dean," and leads the party to him.
Hammerhair

A bugbear who is famous for being revoltingly ugly to her own kind, but looks like a beautiful human woman. She was given her name for her Lego-like hair that is famously as tough as iron. She had an extended affair with the emperor, whom she recognized from the face on Cordelian money.

Hammerhair first met Emperor Nog Romansky in her wasteland home where he fell for her. They had frequent meetups but she was hidden or kept secret to avoid alerting his wives or harming his political career. When Hammerhair was suddenly forced to hide for days inside a spider-filled cave, she saw that their affair had to end.

The party is sent to find her after meeting with Snake Professional. They find her crying in the bathroom of The Trim Cuckold, miserable over the results of her affair (which the emperor told her always end happily). While she wishes no harm to the emperor and forgives him, she does wish to see an end to The Power Ball for its cruel and pointless slaughter. She directs the party towards the ritual as best she can to see it put to an end.
Ordelia

The patron goddess of Ruleshaven. She is the goddess of rules, law and order. She appears to some mortals as a giant, floating judge's wig. It is illegal to worship any non-Ordelian deity within the city's borders.

When Ebenezer Whitehead seizes power of the city's magical bell, he claims himself the sole wielder of her power. Bellow stops him by ringing he bell again and making illegal to be the vessel of a god. Ordelia appears before him and threatens to bring their full wrath upon him if he ever steps foot in a place of law and order again.
Regis de Bonesby

The middle brother of the de Bonesby family, between Wulfric and Frederick. He has lighter hair and broad shoulders.

He appears in Frederick's flashback as the crueler of his older brothers. While he shows some of the control their father Otto expects of them, he is described as "willful" by their strict father and takes a silent pleasure in witnessing Frederick's punishments.

Frederick has stated that he had his brothers and father killed when he had the chance, saying that he did the world a favor in ending his bloodline.
Professor Chomps

An animate metal pig and member of The Riddled Remnant. He was once a full pig before an unspecified accident escaping The Trashlands left him in his current state. He can speak in both pig and common, and has a magnetic forcefield he can activate to disarm his enemies.

He travels with The Riddled Regiment and helps them catch the party offguard. He uses his magnetic powers to rob them of their weapons so they are forced to go through their riddling challenges. When they are attacked by Doctor Dilemma, he uses his field to redirect the arrow at himself to save Thunk. Champagne Champagne leaps in the way of the arrow to save him, dying in his place.

To repay The Remnant, Stirfry breaks his crown of The Rat King in two and gives it to Fancy Tropicalia and Thunk. Professor Chomps reminds him that he's technically a member, so when Stirfry apologizes, he increases his magnetic field to include crowns and attaches it to himself.

The party later learns that the crown was just a symbol, and that Stirfry still possesses control over the rats. We are then shown that Professor Chomps is current surrounded by angry rats, realizing the same lesson the hard way. He accepts that he is doomed to die as he lived: as a metal pig.
Rodan

Rodan (not to be confused with her twin sister Rodan) is a red tiefling. The Rodans are an imposing pair of sisters who are both married to the human Dan.

They attend The Power Ball wearing the masks of a moth and a butterfly, making their similarities even more confusing. Smellulus attempts to talk with the trio, but they are put off when he asks about their sex life. Smellulus threatens to kill Dan after being told to back down, but the loxodon quickly abandons the threat when the sisters are informed.

## Trivia

* The Rodan sisters are named after the giant pterodactyl featured in several Godzilla movies. Despite this, their moth and butterfly masks closer resemble the giant insect Mothra.
Nicholas Montenegro

A wealthy vampire and party member in Blood Tales of Depravity. He is played by Joe Lepore.
During the game, he is on rumspringa, a tradition in his family where he is sent off into the world to fend for himself with nothing but a small fortune to his name. He is easily overwhelmed by mundane tasks, and often relies on his manservant Devont to do his bidding.
Pensacola Pretty

A halfling member of We Prankster Few. They are removed from reality when they lose the prank-off held between his troupe and the main party. Pensacola claims that they were not Pensacola Pretty all along, but the party insists hard enough that they actually are who they said thus devastating them with their ruined prank.
Rude Talks of Chatting

The behind the scenes, Patreon-exclusive series starring the cast. After an episode airs, they meet again and discuss it on recording. It can be listened to by donating at Bearer of the Black Grail tier ($10 a month). It normally comes out biweekly during whichever weeks do not air traditional Rude Tales of Magic.

Theme Song:

*Gather 'round a cauldron of piss.*

*Stare straight in its bubbling abyss.*

*The vapors form figures both strange and tragic*

*Rude Tales of Magic.*

*Our demonic tales are as pure as chapped lips.*

*They taste like they're steaming cement.*

*Rude, I say RUDE, are the stories you'll hear*

*They'll please only those pleased by piss-smelling scents.*

*Gather 'round the corpse of a friend.*

*Drip potion upon their rear end.*

*From forth their dead cheeks flood fables fantastic*

*Rude Tales of Magic.*

*...I'm a goblin!*
James

A new money Englishman and former servant of Lord Dudley Darlington Goodge . He is resentful for his former master’s lack of respect for him, but Dudley genuinely considers him a dear friend.

He is a bitter young man with much to prove. Having found a dried bean in his cake on their 12th Day of Christmas party, he is declared the king of the party to Abigail's queen. While eating the bean, it triggers his extremely delicate stomach into releasing a series of farts that nearly ruin the evening for Abigail. He returns near the end of the episode to challenge Dudley to a duel, but is quickly disarmed and spared by his old friend. Dudley gives him a medicinal biscuit to aid in his digestion as a show of good faith.
Shiitake Tomboy

A psychic mushroom creature that meets the party in the episode Professor Outside. He is jovial and lighthearted, even casually talking of life and death. He plans to one day conquer the world when all things eventually die and become a part of his mushroom field.

The party starts eating mushrooms in his field and Stirfry attempts to pick the mushrooms that are actually his butt cheeks. He pops out and welcomes the group, allowing them to eat all they want and trip on the more brightly colored ones. He can control how much psychedelic effects they have on anyone who has eaten his mushrooms, and can read their minds or communicate telepathically. He offers to let the party live with him, feeling euphoric forever as he absorbs their bodies to nourish his mushrooms, but they decline. He respects their choice and lets them leave.

Shitake is mentioned in Virginia’s tome of demons. It identifies him as a growing demon, one that physically grows its way out of Hell through the soil. Virginia also speculates that he operates similarly to Mother. The book lists his many aliases and describes him as a decent creature who offered to absorb her and Joshy but respected their refusal. The experience did make Joshy unusually calm and talk about guitar solos.

## Trivia

* When Shiitake absorbs a creature, he takes on some of their traits as well. He points out that he was not nearly this nice until he consumed several dwarves.
* Shiitake remembers Polaris University after its disappearance, though he doesn't remember much about it. As he puts it, "what the air forgets, the soil remembers." Mother said something similar in Mother Knows Best.
* Virginia lists Shiitake's aliases over several pages of notes. They include Bukakke Tomorrow, Popliteus Big Boy, Pooping Wednesdays, Kevin Dimensions, Shadowfax Pill Addiction, Mitsubishi Frankenstein, and Tim Platt Ploppings.
Highway Centipede

A massive insect of the same size (and general purpose) of a bus. They were once dangerous and wild creatures, but as soon as the road was invented, they became tamed as they instinctively had the urge to travel on them. They are incredibly fast creatures and the Cordelian Empire used them as mass transportation.

The party in Come At the King rides on one when escaping Payola.
Mr. Snoozy

One of the giant scorpions pulling the party's carriage during their time leaving The Trashlands. Stirfry names it this after he lands on it so comfortably that he could fall asleep on top of it. When their carriage crashes, it becomes Stirfry's mount of choice.

Mr. Snoozy was originally owned by Johnny Ketchup. Both of the scorpions are affectionate towards Albee as well, who was the main driver of the carriage before it crashes.

## Trivia

* Like all giant scorpions of Cordelia, Mr. Snoozy has hind legs.
* While they recognize their names given by their riders, they do not normally have names. This appears to be common with most non-speaking creatures of Cordelia.
Nice ?!?

*Absolutely famished from the previous 68 episodes, the gang stops in at a local diner!*

## Summary

Stirfry continues to help Ginny in her own strange ways. He teaches her to fend for herself by making her own sandwich and tries to teach her how to swim, imparting his cutthroat lessons on her along the way.

Cheddar talks to the party at The Other Side, having possessed his spider cook Nails. He explains to them that he has no body of his own and must possess someone to speak to them. He praises Cordelia for her actions in life and agrees to leave her with her powers from their deal. He makes her employee of the month and praises the group for destroying The Unpleasantness. He helps direct them to Polaris University, but insists he cannot go with them. Before they can leave, the party finds a more youthful Count Ivan Gretsky eating at the diner. He does not recall them (besides de Bonesby), as this is the soul of the mortal Ivan and not the vampire that they knew. While he is put off by their discussion of “the disease that killed him,” he offers to guide them to the school.

After some off-screen adventures with Ivan and their new friend Hawkeye the hawk that loves to sin, the party reaches school and finds it renamed Lexicon Matters’ School For the Damned. It is a vandalized place of mayhem, but they find Douglas the security guard as a walking corpse with his front half missing. He serves as an RA at the new campus, and after filling them in on the state of things, he points out that all paths to the new dean’s office are closed off. He agrees to lead them to the true dean of the school instead. He shows them to the dungeons beneath the school where he has been chained by the ankle to be forever just out of reach of his beloved wife Diana, who has been turned into an oasis. Dean remains cross with Bellow, but with some convincing he agrees to be the guide and role model he needs. He says that Lexicon stored his powers in something in a silver platter, and reminds Bellow that he has been to the dean’s office so many times he only has to close his eyes and follow his memories. The party reaches the door, troubled by the lack of word from Stirfry. With his mean spirit rubbed off on them to toughen them up, they agree that “Nobody fucks with us” and open the door to Lexicon Matters’ office.

In a post-credits scene, Hot Roddy drives The Shish Kebab Express with Stirfry’s reincarnated egg tucked into a makeshift nest. He is pulled over by a Witch Hunter wagon along The K River, and while he tries to bluff his way past, a passing pirate ship opens fire on the scene. It blows away the Witch Hunter as Roddy and his swarm of goblins land on the ship. A robed kenku and her pirate crew list off the titles on his wanted poster, emphasizing his relationship to The Ruleshaven Six.

## Trivia

* The episode announces that it is the 2nd to last episode of Rude Tales of Magic's current arc.
* The episode's title is a reference to it being marked as the 69th episode in the Class Dismissed campaign.

## Links

Episode: https://art19.com/shows/rude-tales-of-magic/episodes/54cf26a7-5929-4661-9e88-65912381991a
Relics

*A man walks down the street He says, "Why am I soft in the middle now? Why am I soft in the middle? The rest of my life is so hard I need a photo-opportunity I want a shot at redemption Don't want to end up a cartoon In a cartoon graveyard" Bonedigger, Bonedigger Dogs in the moonlight Far away, my well-lit door Mr. Beerbelly, Beerbelly Get these mutts away from me You know, I don't find this stuff amusing anymore If you'll be my bodyguard I can be your long lost pal I can call you Betty And Betty, when you call me You can call me Al.*

## Summary

The party continued on their adventure through The James Woods until Bellow notices the telltale signs of crystalline pools. They stop to rest and clean up while Bellow and Albee use it as a chance to be alone. Bellow becomes distracted by a talking butterfly while asking for directions, which suddenly sticks to his hands. It turns out to be a lure for Vociferous Green, a dragonborn duelist and fisherman. He challenges Bellow to a duel for honor/points, and Bellow accepts. He uses his shapeshifting and scimitar to defeat him and when he doesn’t yield, Bellow cuts off Vociferous’ head. He gladly bestows his honor points and his blade to them in his (very long) dying breaths. When they wander off to a clearing they find toppled callstones, returning to the party to warn them.

Cordelia bathes with the others while she keeps seeing a strange, loping figure in the woods. When the others return, a hollowed out mastodon barges through the trees and opens to reveal another sasquatch. He greets them as Alcatraz, Cordelia’s long lost father. They catch up briefly before he offers to take them with him to The Woods Beyond the Woods a place where all sasquatches have been retreating to hide and rumored to have powerful healing properties. Since Cordelia’s picture has been on all the callstones, Witch Hunters have been taking out any sasquatch they find. The party rides through the night on his mammoth/van/Wooly before arriving at a pristine forest where many sasquatches live happily together, welcoming them to “the woods beyond the woods.”

## Links

Episode: https://rudetalesofmagic.simplecast.com/episodes/relics-oSjb2K\_E
Old Deuterantagonist

*"It's been an honor to serve with you, bird. Promise me you will never become a thief."*

An elderly Kenku and member of Stirfry's old gang that inhabits Scrum North. Having lived such a long life, he has a wide variety of voices and sentences he can parrot. He and Stirfry used to kidnap and force people to say sentences they would need before they killed them. Since he is older than the rest, his voices play back more faded as if played through an old radio.

He is among the more gentle of the kenku bandits, quick to offer the party shelter and food.

While setting up candles for the night, he is the first to be assassinated by having his neck broken by the mysterious killer.

## Trivia

* Old Deuterantagonist quotes Jesus Christ several in several of his lines. During Rude Talks of Chatting, Branson Reese confirms that he is so old and far-traveled that he was able to meet Christ himself.
Mayflower Springshower

A ridiculously dressed bard who recites spoken word poetry at The Trim Cuckold. He is a fierce advocate of the arts, despite the violent reception he gets at his performances. He reads his poetry at the bar, which Grimothee realizes he knows the words to but can’t remember where he heard them. Before he can question it any further, Mayflower is savagely beaten by the bar patrons.

His poetry is just the spoken lyrics to The Impression That I Get by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

## Trivia

* His name bears a resemblance to the deceased bard Aprilshowers.
Judge Alamo Gold

A dragonborn judge in Paola who presides over the case of the city vs Bladen Corpse. He enters the trial with Bladen looking blatantly guilty, but when Butter St. Beef presents his case, he is astounded to find that the minotaur made him look even more guilty. Butter's resulting spit-take (despite not drinking anything) offends the judge so harshly that he charges Butters with trial by combat while sentencing Bladen.

Alamo also appears at The Power Ball, where he is displeased to meet Butter once again. He admits that he is looking for a new partner in the legal system since his go-to lawyer Detritus Cole is hospitalized due to having his scalp ripped out by a harpy. Butter simply informs him that he has a better offer and blows him off.

## Trivia

* Alamo has a crush on Sundown Samara.
* His father was a tax collector.
* When attending the Power Ball, he wears the mask of a bat.
Payola

A thriving city known as “The Big Nasty.” It is the capital of The Cordelian Empire and home to many tourist attractions (including The Tower of Pity and the world's most stressed out goblin) as well as many businesses and slums. It is the setting for Come At The King where the party plots to murder the emperor. It contains a courthouse (which permits trial by combat), a large station for the Peacekeeper Department, and a coastal slum known as Filet Town for its abundance of fish skeletons that wash in from the shore.

It was also the location of The Power Ball, a symbolic ritual where the wealthiest creatures in Payola devour a child to bring about good fortune.
Lady Dreamdeath

A briefly mentioned character that Bellow encounters during their adventures in Hell. While their adventures are glazed over during the commercial break, Bellow points out that he still obtained The Blade of Nightmare's Kiss from Lady Dreamdeath. Much like Lord Dreamstar and Blade of Eternal Slumber, they appear to have little to no explanation.
Mendlebrot

A teal dragon that inhabited The Trashlands. He would horde treasures taken from travelers to attempt to teach them the lesson that money is fake. He stored his wealth inside a mountain that dwarves now insist is entirely empty and totally not worth investigating.

He is mentioned briefly in Encyclopedia Cordelia.
Miracle Michael

A half-elf with white hair, a white suit and bright white teeth. He appears to the sasquatches of The Woods Beyond the Woods, claiming to be a messenger from the gods of sasquatches. He claims not to fully understand the gods' plans but magically summons the sasquatches to the location through a prerecorded advertisement sent to them in their dreams. He swears to have been a lifelong fan of sasquatches, leaving home at an early age and seeking out any information he could before hearing from their forgotten gods.

The party remains suspicious of him and follows him to his dressing room where they find him deep in prayer trying to reach his gods. They interrupt his prayers and unsuccessfully confront him about what they assume to be some sort of con. Bellow finds a small box hidden in his room. He turns into a mouse to investigate, startling the halfling Pumpkin hiding inside. The frightened Pumpkin jumps out, revealing himself to be a full-grown halfling actor who had been disguised as the young sasquatch child from Michael's sermon. Michael insists this ruse is a white lie to help deliver his larger message while he finds out the rest of his deities' plan. Unable to prove anything and scorned by a deeply insulted Michael, the party -still nursing suspicions- leave him and Pumpkin to their prayers.

Once Spilled Milk's anti-magic powers are dispersed , Michael calls the sasquatches back to his stage to lead them to their new paradise. He uses a giant sasquatch foot that he won in a game of chess-watching, claiming it came from the first sasquatch and connects him to their old gods. He summons a portal that they see as a beautiful forest, but the others see it as a drop off a steep cliff. Michael uses the foot to force the bigfoots to start marching off the cliff, but Albee interrupts him. She uses the foot to command the sasquatches to throw it off the cliff instead. Michael hastily tries to excuse his actions as being misguided and innocent before hastily trying to blame Pumpkin. Albee and Stirfry stab him to death.
Samuel Clemens

A man riding on a steamboat along the River Styx. He complains at the party when they first arrive in Hell, threatening to leave them out if his great American novel. He reconsiders his name in that moment as a crewman on the boat mentions that Mark Twain is a term used on boats.

It is later confirmed that time works differently in Hell and that time traveling portals are not uncommon, leading to a mix of people from other times and worlds living together in Hell.
Marionette

A charming possum woman who lives in Froggy Creek. She is a passionate chef and the cook for the town's feasts. She is Fairhope's daughter and Boss Possum's sister.

When the party agrees to come to dinner, Stirfry joins her in the kitchen to help her prepare the steaks. She's embarassed to show him her spice cabinet, but Stirfry encourages them to advance it into a romantic affair. The party breaks in when they think the possums are planning to eat them, but he explains that it's nothing but his usual flirtations. He does explain that they need to keep movie, so he promises Marionette that they will be together for one day.

The party discovers the town has found that they're wanted, but Marionette arrives holding the dinner bell ready to sound the alarm. Stirfry attempts to talk her down and explain they are being set up by the Witch Hunters, and when Marionette is still hesitant, Stirfry throw a knife into her heart. She dies insisting that he promised her one day, but Stifry grimly warns that nobody betrays him. While she dies before she can ring the bell, Stirfry's ring hits it and alerts the locals.

## Trivia

* The party explains their concern for Stirfry and Marionette's comes from when he was seduced and almost killed by Natalie Armpits.
Milker

The eccentric cow-milker at Lindsingham Manor. He taught himself to lactate, providing his own milk as well as the family's cows. His milk changes flavor and temperature based on his mood.

Milker was once married to a cow, but she was murdered by Vance Lindsingham. While he hated Vance, he is among the suspects in the murder who readies weapons to avenge his murder. He ultimately escorts the party of the manor grounds and leaves them to their own devices.
Deli

*“I only have a little bit of blood, but it goes a long way in this tiny body of mine.”*

## Podcast Information

### Player

Ali Fisher

A tiny, bedraggled, chaotic harpy who revels in violence and bloodshed. She is voiced by Ali Fisher.

Deli (pronounced "dee-lee") stands a foot tall and wears a pilot-like jumpsuit. She loves to horde shiny objects, cackling over the mayhem this causes. She is not afraid to kill or fight for what she wants, often landing her in trouble. Despite her small size, Deli wields a warhammer and several daggers while remaining among the physically stronger party members.

We first meet Deli inside a Peacekeeper interrogation room being questioned about how she murdered and drained all the blood from a horse. While her interrogator is away, Snake Professional approaches her with his offer. Even after learning of the plot, Deli agrees so long as she gets his shiny cufflinks (refusing any money as it would not be shiny).

She seizes every opportunity to steal bells, crystals and anything else shiny within her line of sight.

## Relationships

Deli has little regard for human (or any race) life in general. A specific few have earned her actual attention enough for her to cooperate and help them. Even then, she is quick to abandon them when her best interest or something shiny becomes available instead.

Deli became fast friends with Torrin, laughing and playing together in between jobs. Deli is easily confused by Grimothee when she realizes that his kind of mass-produced. Even when he is dressed differently, she panics and has to mark Grimothee with a slice from her dagger to make him recognizable to her.

Deli takes particular pleasure in making the overly emotional Smellulus suffer. In one of their final conversations, Smellulus points out that she likes doing evil things.

By the end of the adventure, Deli has forgotten Butter's name.

## Trivia

* Deli is ignorant about many things about the world. She needs to ask the party what an emperor is, claiming to have never heard of him before the adventure began. She also doesn’t fully grasp the word "boss" and “father,” though the latter may be due to the fact that harpies impregnate men.
* In Rude Talks of Chatting, Ali is asked about how many limbs Deli has and how she wields her weapons. Ali prefers to leave this open-ended so listeners and artists can choose for themselves.
* Deli places her collected shiny objects around her while she sleeps, forming a nest out of her bedding.
* Deli once hunted a platinum dragon for several months, but did not manage to catch it.
* Deli is prone to breaking the 4th wall (or moreso than other characters), looking towards the camera or operating outside of in-game time.
Pubic

*"What's up, mother fuckers!?"*

The "house goblin" of Lindsingham Manor. He is a filthy and foul-mouthed goblin who generally serves the Lindsinghams, including dressing up as a fox for them to hunt. He is summoned by saying his name three times.

Like most goblins, Pubic is a worshiper of The Butthole Queen and has a crush on her.

## Trivia

* Pubic is a very common name for goblins. It is also the name given to the podcast's unofficial goblin mascot.
Hell

Hell is another plane of existence in Cordelia where demons live. While its details are strange and obscure to most, we know that some souls of the dead are sent to Hell and are punished for their misdeeds in life. Cheddar says that Hell is quite nice compared to the mortal world, but he adds that mortals would probably still hate it there. He has also established The Other Side in Hell, his diner that appears to be quite comfortable and enjoyable despite his location. Cheddar explains that his burgers are made from a man who committed avarice, even though there is another section of Hell for those who committed greed. This suggests numerous (if not redundant) circles of Hell ala Dante's Inferno. It's also been proposed that there are several Hells. During Fools Crush In, the party claims that Christian Hell is among the worse Hells for being fairly dull. Stirfry, meanwhile thinks Tree Hell is "badass."
The plane itself is eventually shown to be chaotic and violent to a cartoonish extreme, though the souls prove extremely resilient.

## Trivia

* Ulcer Anatomies theorizes that Hell is a dimension larger than our own reality. This makes crossing between one to the other a delicate procedure at best. Dying in a slightly different spot on Cordelia can send one to a vastly different location in Hell.
* The way that someone dies reflects on their appearance in Hell. Someone who is decapitated, for example, will remain headless in the afterlife.
* The party visits a town named Hell during their adventures. The town is actually quite pleasant, but the locals are so naïve and pure that they didn't know about Hell to keep them from using the name.
* Cheddar says that not even demons know where you go if you die while already in Hell, or if you simply cease to exist.
* Floating Wolf Orb explains that being eaten or blown up are fairly commonplace in Hell and that many bounce back from them only mildly inconvenienced. She says the only true ways to die are being killed by a weapon from the world of the living or by straying so far from your true self that you lose that part of your soul.
Prolapse

*"I’m gonna meet the devil and give 'em a big kiss."*

A dead goblin whose body was scavenged by Brian Fuck. He was a large, warrior-like goblin whose jaw was fused to de Bonesby's skeleton to help extend his lifespan. He was brothers with Goatse, the goblin whose hand replaced de Bonesby's in the same process. He is voiced by Christopher Hastings.

The two goblins were able to interject a few words or thoughts here and there, but after the body swap performed by Pebis, they end up taking over Frederick's body. While they're in control, they can only wield an amateurish mimicry of Frederick's magic. Either goblin is able to communicate with Frederick but must relinquish control of his body over to their brother in order to do so. Over time, Frederick becomes much more cooperative with the brothers and shares much of his body and mind with them.

Like most goblins, Prolapse is crude, dimwitted and impish. He is very appreciative of his second chance at life, so he remains very optimistic.

## Trivia

* Prolapse had five dads, seven moms, and one brother (Goatse), but clarifies that goblins are very big on found families.
* As the goblins spend more time with the party, he ends up liking the nickname "Protools."
* The goblin brothers claim to have died when they both ran at each other as fast as possible to see if they would explode. They also shared a brother who put peanut butter on his thumb and sucked his own flesh off trying to eat it, so this does not seem especially absurd for a goblin's death.
* Despite his revolting interests, Prolapse announces that he and Goatse are "straight edge" in the episode Hell Rules.
Greg Proops

A resident of Soaking Valley when Mother began to take over. He was one of the last to be taken over when the party arrives in Enter the Mother, Part 1.

When Bellow cuts the growth off Greg's head, he is freed from Mother's control. He insists on fleeing into the woods to surely die in the wilderness, but Albee chases him down and learns all she can about the conquered city. He flees again, only to be promptly eaten by Flipcup. The party later finds his journal entries throughout the sewer tunnels of Soaking Valley.

Greg mistakenly referred to Mother as "Mommy" for some time, and feels very awkward about the fact after learning otherwise.

## Trivia

* Greg Proops shares his name with the real world comedian Greg Proops. He also exists as an improv actor in Cordelia. The Greg in the series is not happy to share the name.
* Greg worked as an event coordinator.
* He has a terrible relationship with his wife.
Pope Bonoducci the Infinitieth

A halfling appearing as a centaur in holy robes. He considers himself a messenger of God, making him a pope.

He is the keeper/prisoner of The Room of Wonders, where he lives with a stolen piece of God's brain. This grants his every wish and makes him feel wonderful, even knowing that the creations and paradise he calls Heaven is technically artificial. The party meets him when they discover the room, but find it unfulfilling. Bonoducci urges them to stay and be happy, but permits them to leave when they truly desire it.