Ingred's Journal Entry 17: The Mockingbird in Me

*The following entry appears to have not been written in the journal, but a smaller notepad. They look to be glued into the book next to some shaky, chicken-scratched writing. These pages are smeared with charcoal and chunks are once again torn from them.*

*cabin find more information, he may have connections with*

*Due to the mess, the writing is nearly illegible. The new entry is much neater and done in a dark graphite.*

Ah... I’ve done it this time, Papa. All the trust I’ve built up with the party is probably gone, aside from Seipora’s for some odd reason… So much for that, I suppose.

We haven’t even talked about what happened. Not really. We've been too busy with vampires and cultists and- well, social events... Seipora insists that she’s not upset with me, says she’s felt the same way before. I’m relieved, I think, that not the *entire* party despises me, but hearing that didn’t really cheer me up. Seipora may be afraid of a lot of things but she doesn’t run. What does that make me? A coward? So be it, then…

You were right. The world outside of Jonsen Valley is terrifying. There’s so much out there that I don’t know, more monsters than I could ever imagine- secrets and *CONSPIRACIES* in my head that no matter how hard I think, I can’t seem to piece them together. It drives me mad. The magic here makes me uneasy. The creatures frighten me. The people… I’m not afraid of… although there are a few exceptions.

Anthos scares me. He scares me and I don’t think there’s anything I can do to change that. Standing over me after killing that vampire, reminding me that I’m powerless compared to him… He could kill me if he wants to, and he knows it. Sure, he dealt with the thing that was attacking me, but his eyes… they weren’t those of a hero. He’s horrible. Marisol- I can handle her up to a point. She says things that are mean but they don’t sting like Anthos’s remarks. He has to point out my faults whenever he gets the chance. I don’t know how much longer I can take it.

The others in the party haven’t said much to me. Lily invited me out to drink, but Marisol soured my mood at the time. K… he’s the only one so far who’s asked why I did it. He didn’t pry too much. Instead, he told me to conquer my fears. I’m not sure where I would start, though. He- he didn’t tell me how. I don’t think conquering my fears would change much of anything. I’d probably still be a selfish person. It’s the only thing that’s kept me alive so far, and I don’t know if I’m ready to let go of it. Not yet. I don’t have the strength to do so. Here I am, ~~trying~~ pretending to be a good person. I can’t even stand by my party when they need me the most. I’m a fraud. Once again a bird in the wrong nest, and no one’s the wiser.

Marisol thinks that I saved her, but it wasn’t me. Lily’s the one who brought her back up, not…

I don’t know if I should tell her that. For all I know it’s the one thing keeping her from losing faith in me entirely. Not… that I care if people have faith in me… I-I don’t care. Caring is meaningless. But… But...

Marisol and I had another argument. My blood boils thinking about how much of a hypocrite she is. I’m no better, but still she angers me. Truly angers me. She sets boundaries for us, and the *second* I understand them, she’s suddenly breaking mine. I should be furious. I shouldn't be giving her any more chances to come to terms with me, but seeing her tonight… seeing her wall break down like that… showing us her scars… clutching my hand like it was the only thing keeping her from shattering on the spot… It struck a chord.

I- I don’t know how I’m supposed to hate her after that.