A Sleek Black Leather Notebook

The personal journal of Xander Crossman where he takes down observations, recaps eventful stuff that happens to him, and tries to untangle the web of thoughts cluttering his headspace.

## S1E0 - Welcome to MHU!

Saturday February 27th, 2021
Well that sure was... something...
I never took Roni for someone who'd partake in the party scene, though to be fair I never thought I'd attend one either. God if Granny were to find out she'd scold the hell out of me, 'Xander you can't be gambling the future of the family on some silly party! You've got so many better things you could do with your time, like getting me market research on your age demographic and etc." Anyways I guess I had a god time? Joseph apparently vomited everywhere, then made an ass of himself in front of someone named Sebastian. Don't really know the guy, but it looks like they knew each other before... well before whatever the hell happened to Joseph.
Meanwhile I nearly got trampled, got tossed into Iva (also yknow finally learned who the Gorgon girl I've been seeing around campus is), and thankfully she was chill about it. What wasn't chill was Patti swooping in and starting to talk Iva's ear off. I wonder if that bitch has DM'd all the sophomores and freshman just trying to see if someone will bite. Anyways I could tell Iva was on the verge of doing something reckless, so I stepped in and let her talk my ear off instead. She just kept droning on and on and on about how much she knew and how much she could teach me. I saw other people laughing and passing remarks about how much of a freshman I was, it was annoying to say the least. Though to be honest, me being annoyed and judged is probably better than having a Patti shaped statue in the middle of MOP's rager, or worse someone seeing how she got that way.
At the end of the night Iva drove us all home, a kind gesture of her to say the least. She seems to be the only level headed... I'll say 'person like me' I've met on this campus, though I'll have to take note to never end up on her bad side. I could talk my way out of a lot with Granny, but being petrified probably isn't something I could slither out of so easily.

## S1E6 - Seeing Double

Monday March 8th, 2021
C/W: Violent thoughts and self deprecation.
Well, certainly has been a hell of a day. I woke up on a roof in a Hawaiian shirt for starters, and though that sounds completely mental, it was quite possibly the least weird thing. Anywhoo, woke up with no memories of the night before, on the roof of a frat house, at this point I can't even remember which one. It figures that at one party I nearly get trampled and snatched up by weird senior, and at another I'd black out entirely without having drunk a single drop of alcohol at either! Or at least I don't think I had any alcohol last night... at least I hope not... my god blacking out is scary business.
**Anyways** right... today. So I woke up, found an unlocked window, crept in through said window (which proved a tad bit more successful than when Joseph attempted a similar maneuver... thankfully), and found myself in someone's room. I left into the hallway fairly quickly, only to find a large intimidating girl (who I'd later learn is named Arsling, and is an absolute unit who should never be messed with under any circumstance) following some frat dude, who wouldn't shut the hell up about kombucha for some ungodly reason, with a very sharp pencil. After deciding this situation did not need my input whatsoever, I ran down the stairs to try to find a quiet spot to call Granny back. Oh yes I failed to mention, while this whole shit show was happening Granny called, because my life is a never ending series of jokes some cruel sick omnipotent bastard is playing on me, and I am merely his jester whom he can turn when a laugh is needed.
So ***anyways***  I blew off some guy (later I'd find out his name is Rhys, and he seems chill based on the minute or so I interacted with him (though further note to self he didn't like gum and didn't really drink the water I offered him, so he needs further study)) trying to ask me for help with finding 'Chad'. I probably wasn't the nicest I could've been about that, but if I didn't call that woman back within a minute she'd send the campus police to find me, and that is an outcome no one benefits from. So I got out front, made the call (Monday morning business reports... always Monday goddamn morning), and then Chad appeared... through a wall... while I was still talking to Granny... because of course. Anyways I watched a bunch of people run after him, thought well this is too interesting to ignore, and ran after them while sending Granny her reports. I caught up, and saw Rhys on the ground, the random guy I failed to mention because he was very unimportant trying to talk to his buddy, and Arsling about to stab a man with a pencil. Knowing I'd be of little to no help against Chad, I checked in on Rhys, sat down next to him, and broke out the gum. Suffice to say, it was both delightful, and horrifying, watching Arsling singlehandedly kick the shit out of Chad with a pencil and little else.
Rhys left with the rando and Chad, once whatever the hell was up with him was over. That probably should've been it, and I really should've just left after that, and to be honest I tried to, but then there he was... fucking **GARRETT** the slimy bastard. That empty headed, higher than thou, stuck up, arrogant, piece of malformed human feces had the audacity to just flat out tell me he did that shit to Chad. It took all my composure not to go full serpent on him, and give him a taste of how powerful a Crossman's fangs, and poison, can truly be. But... I held it together... barely... and the bastard just slinked away like he always does, with that stupid self satisfied grin on his face.
So that's when I decided to talk to Arsling, and against my better judgement, actually get involved with the supernatural shit I've see everywhere on campus. She was warry of me, but I let her know I was aware of things, may have also had **THAT STUPID GODDAMN NERVOUS TICK HAPPEN RIGHT IN FUCKING FRONT OF A VIOLENT PERCEPTIVE MONSTER HUNTER**, and so I was kinda forced into revealing my true nature... by my self... because yes. Anyways after that she asked about a sword, I realized she was the person who had wanted to buy surplus fencing equipment, also realized that our stuff was not at all what she really needed, and so I hooked her up with a 5ft broadsword. A real one. A sharp one. I gave a dangerous monster hunter a broadsword. I foresee this action having zero consequences for me in the future. No siree not a goddamned one. I just hope in the end she at some point uses it on **GARRETT**, the bastard is up to something terrible, and he needs to be stopped.

## S1E7 - Sneaky Link(edIn)

Wednesday March 10th, 2021
Ok what the actual fuck is wrong with this school!?! Like I knew coming here that there'd be other supernatural folks around, but like now I'm getting assaulted at job fairs by large cultist dudes, and groups of middle aged looking women are trying to eat my roommate! I mean like... just fuck. Anyways, yeah, the stupid career fair happened today. Got there early, Granny told me to promote the booth, and thankfully Quinn was there manning the booth, so it wasn't all bad. Then Joseph showed like he said he would... almost an hour late, but at least he was there. That's when things got... weird.
So a big dude just kinda grabbed Joseph and brought him over to a recruiter's table. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but I kept an eye on the situation just in case, and thankfully I did. I wasn't the only one either, Iva was there too, and those creeps were not letting Joseph go. Iva and I shut down whatever they were trying to do, I called security (reminder to send Chase something for his involvement), and Joseph even managed to hurt the one that was holding him. Then they ran, and disappeared. Like they were there, this happened I know it did, none of the mortals could see it until I started yelling that they were creeps and I needed help, but they existed. I'm not fucking crazy and those two bastards were not recruiters, I have no idea what they were, but I doubt I've seen the last of them. Chase tried to follow them, but yeah they had completely vanished, and all the stuff on the table was nothing but a ruse. All the pamphlets, everything had nothing inside, it was all just blank. I had Chase stay with us for the rest of the fair, I wasn't about to have a repeat of what just happened. There are people around here who hate my kind, all monster kind, and now I'm going to have to be more cautious than before. Damnit I came here to find some kind of normalcy... but I guess that's always going to be a bit of a pipe dream.
Anyways, rest of the fair went off without too much trouble, except for yknow Joseph nearly getting eaten, but that happened later. Those things, or was it just one thing, I'm not sure, well it tried to beckon me over to the table as well. Wasn't having any of that shit, also wasn't in the mood for Chase calling me a stick in the mud. I am **not** *boring*, I am cautious, and I have every right to be. With Granny trying to track every move I make, fucking **Garrett** running around, creepy disappearing monster haters, and a thing that I don't even want to describe, I **HAVE** to be cautious.
The career fair ended, Iva went off to her midterm (wished her luck, told her I'd make sure Joseph didn't die further for Sebastian's sake), and Joseph like a moron actually went to meet that thing in a parking lot for a 'job interview'. Lo and behold, it was a trap, and it tried to eat him. So thankfully I tailed him, called the police to our location, drove my car full throttle almost into the literal circle of chairs they'd set up to eat him at (decided I probably shouldn't damage my car), picked up the idiot, and left. I told him he'd be the death of me one day, I'm genuinely unsure if that statement is true or not to be honest. He bemoaned he'd never get a job... because of course.

## In Between Session Jounals - March 11th-16th

Thursday March 11th, 2021
First day of the free fencing lessons was today, and I was nervous to say the least.  I could keep seeing it going badly in my head, some frat bro impaled by his buddy with anger management issues, an equipment malfunction that sends someone to the hospital, or maybe one of the myriad of dangerous people/entities making an appearance to try and skewer me while my guard was lowered.  None of that even accounts for any of the watchful eyes Granny could possibly have here for me.  Thankfully she’s terrible with tech, or I’m sure she’d be stalking my twitly activity too.  I hate this paranoia, I hate having to keep my guard up around everyone and everything right now.  Even just facing off with Roni for the demonstration got my mind racing, like what if they’ve secretly been a monster hater this whole time?  What if all those years of me observing them, they’ve actually been aware of my presence and observing me?  What if they agreed to do the fencing lessons as a way to dispose of me in front of a crowd, killing off an abomination like me and making a statement in the process?
Then our sabres clashed, and all the noise just went away.  No, Roni wasn’t trying to kill or hurt me.  They were the same Roni they’ve always been, an open and honest person, and an even more open and honest duelist.  They’ve never hidden their strategy at all, because they’ve never had to.  Roni’s opponent could know exactly what they were going to do, and still lose handily.  Their form, precision, and technique are all near flawless, remarkable for someone their age.  As always when it comes to saber, I stood no chance against them (if the match was foil or epee, different story, but alas saber is the most exciting to watch).  Though Roni was at least nice this time, and let our match finish close in front of the crowd for my sake.
I removed my helmet, and just like that the noise came flooding back.  I gave my spiel to the crowd, they started talking and getting excited for swords, and all of the thoughts that had found a home outside my head for the moment came right back in.  I went through the motions, put on a brave face, started explaining things, getting the rambunctious lot organized... and that’s when I saw her.  Just a girl standing away from the crowd, bright red hair, glasses, looking fairly nervous and quite out of place among the sea of frat guys I had before me.  Eventually I learned her name is Tamzen.  I asked her to come join us, among a few other questions, and she gave a very flustered response.
I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I felt some sort of kinship with her immediately, one that’s different than what I feel around Iva.  I understand Iva because we’re both monsters being persecuted for who we are, hated for a part of our identity we never asked for, yet are proud to have.  Tamzen though, there’s no way she’s any sort of monster, she just seemed like a regular human.  No no, it had to be that look in her eyes, that same timid look I get when I’m overwhelmed with the world.  With that clicking into place I understood one thing immediately, she was there to have a good time and get away from something.  I knew I couldn’t let her be paired off with some doofus who might hurt her, that would just sink her lower into the domain of anxiety, on top of leaving a sour taste about fencing in her mouth.  So seeing as there were odd numbers I volunteered her to be my partner, that way she could spar with someone who’d have no chance of injuring her.  Little did I know though, the danger wasn’t really in someone injuring her, but in her injuring someone else.
She struck fast and she struck hard, way harder than any intro to sparring should ever go.  She was putting fear and frustration behind every swing, she didn’t need a lesson, she needed to talk.  So I stopped us short, left the lesson in Roni’s hands (Gotta make sure to thank them for that later, possibly a trip to go get ice cream?  Wherever we go has to have cookies and cream though, wouldn’t be much of a thanks/apology without their favorite flavor after all.), and took Tamzen to The Good Bean.
We ordered our drinks (a note here that Tamzen’s hazelnut coffee was much less coffee and much more dessert, possibly also an ice cream place next time?  Though I don’t know her favorite flavor... further study is required.) and she told me about her situation.  Poor girl’s gotten herself into a bit of a love triangle, between a girl named Didi (possibly the girl from roller derby who likes all my sports related twits?) and her roommate (an unknown person to me at the moment).  I say a bit because she’s infatuated with Didi, who’s apparently slept with Tamzen’s roommate, so she may just be an outside party looking in on a situation.  I certainly don’t know Didi’s feelings on this, let alone her roommate’s, so I proceeded with caution.  I did my best to give some actual solid advice, things that’d be useful and not just sappy, and it seemed to have the desired effect.
She perked up quite a bit after that, and I gave her my contact info in case she needed more advice, a vent session, a fencing lesson... or if she just wanted to hang out I suppose.  She gave me hers, I think she was blushing... and I also think she may have lightly flirted with me at the end?  This was... not exactly the reaction I expected... though I must admit it’s not entirely unwelcome either.  Though I have to remember she’s in a fragile mental place right now, so I don’t want to lead her anywhere she doesn’t really want to be.

Friday March 12th, 2021
Last night was a little more eventful than I’d anticipated.  Arsling got beat up somehow, like really beat up.  Broken ribs, concussion, the works.  I need to make sure to follow up with her about that, see if she needs help or protection (Possibly hire some body guards to escort her?  Nah I feel like she’d hate that.  Tracking device maybe?  Nah she’d absolutely kill me for that.  Need to look into this further, for now I’ll just keep a watchful eye.).  For now though she’s safely in the hospital getting treated, and that’s what matters.  She’s lucky she’s got Tamzen to watch out for her. (Note: Arsling is Tamzen’s mystery roommate, so that particular development puts this whole thing in a new light.)
Oh speaking of Tamzen, I gave her a ride home from the hospital last night.  It was a really fun ride!  She picked out good music on the radio stations (I’d expect no less), we had a great conversation about Night Falls/MHU, and the time just flew by.  She lives in Carter Hall too, so I walked her back to her room.  We said our goodbyes and parted ways, but after she shut the door I just stood there for a little while before heading back.  I don’t know what came over me, but I didn’t want to leave.  I wanted to stay, I wanted to go in there and continue our conversation, I just... I wanted to be around her.  I don’t know what this feeling is, it’s new and exciting, but absolutely terrifying at the same time.  Oh fuck... infatuation... this is what infatuation is like.
I need to follow my own advice, I need to sit on this for a bit, let it settle in and see how real it is.  Tamzen’s already going through so much, I don’t need to be causing more damage by blurting out something stupid.  Besides we just met, I’m not even 24 hours into knowing her!  I’ve gotta wait, yeah that’s the plan, wait and see, caution’s never failed me before!

But... maybe she feels the same?

Saturday March 13th, 2021
I can’t believe we won, I can’t believe we beat the previous champs.  I mean, they lost their best fencer to graduation, but still this is massive.  We’re undefeated, we just keep winning, and no one can stop us!  This is just so unreal, I mean I knew Roni and I were good, but we’re essentially carrying this program on our backs.  They still haven’t lost a match, and I’m 17-1.  I’m already getting calls from recruiters for pro teams, and sponsorship offers from companies for after I graduate.  Granny and fucking Garrett can both shove it, fencing is legitimate, and it’s a way to make a living.  I’ll show them, I’ll show them both by just continuing to win.
I should text Tamzen about this, see if she’d like to come watch the next competition if she free... so she can learn of course!
Oh who am I kidding, I’d love a chance to show off in front of her.  God I’m slowly turning into some sort of cliche aren’t I?

Sunday March 14th, 2021
Offered to give Arsling rides around campus/town until she heals up from her wounds.  Partially to keep an eye on her, partially because she just seems like a lot of fun to be around.
In other news I was digitally introduced to King Botato today, and I have never become attached to an inanimate object I haven’t even met yet quicker.  Botato is love, Botato is life, I will gladly give my life to ensure his safety.  Anyways I’ve got reports to write... because of course I do...

Monday March 15th, 2021
Last night was... was special.  Fuck caution, fuck being afraid, fuck all that distant calculated bullshit!  I don’t care that my head’s telling me to slow down, I don’t care what Granny would think or how she’d feel.  I... I want to be with Tamzen!  She’s fun, she’s interesting, she’s sweet and kind and caring.  I know she probably doesn’t think so, but she’s even really attractive!  How in the hell could I not want to be with her?
-There’s a gap in the page where it seems like droplets of water fell, the paper wrinkled and thin.-
Most of all though, we’ve got plenty in common, both for good and for bad.  Only person I’ve ever met that I think can actually understand me... on a completely literal level.  Like I wrote a few nights ago, I’m both excited and terrified to see where this goes.
(On a side note, I need to do research into this ‘Obsidian City’, see if it’s referenced anywhere.  If Tamzen’s going to have to deal with this place, then she should at least go in informed of what dangers could lurk there.  I’ll start with the Old Stacks, see what I can find down there.)
Fucking hell I hope I don’t screw this up... I can’t screw this up... and I can’t let the old bat screw it up either.  She’s never finding out about this, ever.

Tuesday March 16th, 2021
Tamzen’s hand is doing better, she’ll be able to full on fence again soon.  She seems happy about it, even took a pretty cute picture for Twitly.
In other news I fucked things up with Joseph pretty bad this afternoon... and I have no idea how I’m going to fix them.  I feel really ignorant and bad right now, like of course I don’t understand what he’s going through, how dense am I?  I’ll have to stay out of his way for a few days, maybe by the time he cools off I’ll have a good apology lined up for him.  I just hope I didn’t do anymore damage, the dude’s been through enough without me adding to the shit.

## S1E12 - Date With Destiny

Worst Day of My Fucking Life
C/W: Self Hate, Angst, Low Self Esteem, Murderous Thoughts, Feeling Isolated
I hate Fae...
I hate Werewolves... they're bastards and I'll never look at one the same way again. (Get anyone I care about away from Didi asap)
I hate Granny, she's a controlling horrible woman, and I need to find a way to get away from her.
I... don't know what I'm going to do now... I just don't know.
The Old Bat's coming to campus, she's going to be trailing me and watching my every move. I hate this, I hate her, I hate so much...

But most of all I hate myself... I hate myself for not being strong enough to help Arsling when she needed me most... I hate myself for not killing those fucking Fae, those horrible fucking Fae, when I had the chance... I hate myself for letting that wrinkly old woman trample all over me... I hate myself... I hate myself so damn much... I can't do anything right... I can't be anything right... I'll never be right...

Yet Tamzen's still here... She's here, and we're crying together, we're in pain together. I don't want her to feel pain like this... I never want her to have to suffer through pain like this again... but I'm so glad she's here with me. If she wasn't here with me... I just don't know. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, it pains me she had to come around just in time to have to be involved in the worst period of my life. If anyone ever tries to hurt her again they'll pay, she will be safe and protected and happy, no matter what.
She’s so beautiful when she’s sleeping like this...

## In Between Session Jounals - March 19th-24th

Wednesday March 24th, 2021
Ugh, looking at my last journal entry I seem like such a drama king.  Argh the angst, oh my fragile emotions, wah woe is me!  I guess I was stuck in serpentine form at that point, and the emotions were very raw... so maybe some of it was justified?  I dunno, I’m feeling much better now though.  This seems like such an overreaction.  Anyways it’s been a week since I’ve picked this thing up, so there’s a ton to catch up on.
Tamzen broke that Fae magic, and I’m back to normal for one thing. It hurt like all hell, but I’m fortunate she was there instead of someone else (God forbid Granny have to do it). I must say I will probably have a distaste for Fae moving forward, even if it was my violent response that provoked them into action. Something about messing with other people like that... it just doesn’t sit well with me.
For one, Arsling’s doing ok, and she’s adjusting to who she is now.  I know she’s still confused and hurting, so I’m going to try my best to be there for her.  Gave her that mug I made, I’ll let her keep thinking it was just some imported thing I had made for her.  Besides, she doesn’t need to know how much glass I wasted trying to get it perfect, not that she’d be likely to believe me anyways.  Oh and... wrecking that warehouse was exhilarating... as much as me off adrenaline wants to say it wasn’t.
Tamzen and I finally got to go on that date to Fantasie.  It was wonderful, she got to meet Frank and Rebekah, the food was amazing as always, and we spent the night together afterwards.  It may have been a very up and down week, but at least we got to end it on an incredibly high note.
I’m Iva’s new campaign manager for her SGA presidential bid.  I still can’t believe she said yes to it, but now I have to prove her faith in me justified!  She’s going to win, no matter what, and I’m going to help her get there.  I’ve already started pooling data and talking with people to get a better idea of what we’re dealing with.  From what I can tell her opponent, Quist, is pulling some sort of shit behind the scenes.  They know Arsling is a werewolf, which worries me to no end.  I’ll have to keep a close eye and ear on that name moving forward.
The Hellfires are apparently big time backing Iva, so maybe I’ll finally be able to meet Queen Selene.  I’ve heard so much about her from other folks around campus, so it’ll be surreal for sure.  I can see it now, “Hey, nice to meet you, I connect with your music on a deep level and it helped me through a fairly big rough patch in my life a year ago.  I’m Iva’s campaign manager, so we should collaborate on good ideas to help her get elected.  Anyways, goodbye famous person I kind of look up to who happens to go here!”  Ah yes... even when writing on a page in a fictional scenario... I still can’t help but be an awkward fuck.
Speaking of awkward, I got the chance to talk to Didi.  Told her I didn’t hate her, that I was sorry for getting so worked up and threatening her and her entire pack, yknow... the whole nine yards.  She didn’t seem to care much, which makes sense given that before Thursday I was Sword Bruh, and after Thursday I’m now Sword Bruh with a silver spoon in his mouth who happens to be dating Tamzen.  Tamzen’s still very broken up over what happened, and I can’t say that I blame her, but I find myself... worried about Didi.  I just hope she has a support network she can turn to, because this couldn’t have been easy for her, and won’t be easy on her moving forward.
Oh and Tamzen, in case you’re reading this, whether it’s via a memory or live and in person, I’m sorry.  She may have hurt you, and hurt Arsling, but I can’t be angry with her like you are.  She had noble goals, and I genuinely believe she wanted, and still wants, what was/is best for everyone in the end.  I know we talked about this already, and we can talk more if we need to, but I won’t condemn her for this like I initially thought I would.  It just... it just wouldn’t feel right to do so.  That doesn’t mean that if she hurts either of you again though, that there won’t be hell to pay.  Understanding and forgiving are two different things, and though I understand her position and motives, I’ll most likely not forgive her any time soon for hurting you and Arsling like she did.  It isn’t exactly a fair stance to take, but it’s the one I’ve chosen.
P.S. If you are reading this, you and I are going to have to have a serious conversation about trust and privacy.  Curiosity is one thing, but this is my private journal Tamzen, I’d like it to stay that way please.

## S1E15 - On The Ropes

Sunday March 28th, 2021
Went to a ropes course with Iva today, I thought it'd be a fun little event to drum up some positive press for her. Though I do have to work on my introductions a bit apparently... and by work on I mean just let Iva introduce herself from now on. I think I overdid it just a tiny bit... and possibly embarrassed her... just a little. Other than that though I think I did a pretty good job, but I will concede that she's probably right. After all, the students want a leader who can speak for themselves, so I'll just hold my tongue next time and let her do her thing.
There were only a few other folks at the event, one of whom was Rhys... who gets more suspicious each time I see him. He outright refused to drink the water this time, but accepted the gum. This is certainly an interesting turn of events, especially considering he didn't like the watermelon flavored gum! I mean really, what kind of monster doesn't like watermelon!? No... seriously... this is actually a pertinent question, what kind of monster doesn't like watermelon? Maybe I shouldn't pin him as supernatural just yet, but that *super* tackle he hit me with sure as hell didn't *naturally* come out of that scrawny frame. I just hope that if he is a monster of some sort of supernatural being, he just comes clean when I inevitably ask him. Like, I plan on doing literally nothing with the information, it'd just mean that I could actually trust him rather than be somewhat afraid of him.
The other two, Laura and Colby, seemed nice enough. Well no, Laura was nice, Colby looked like he wanted nothing to do with any of what was going on. Though it was super brazen of him to drag Rhys off for 'fun' in the middle of the event, I've gotta say I respect that level of confidence. Those two are cute together, it's good to see a cute couple actually getting along around here.
Aside from that things just keep getting more and more interesting around here, and I must say I'm not exactly a fan. I guess I was hoping for a more normal college experience, but turns out that was a pipe dream after all. My life's never going to be simple and easy, I just have to come to terms with it at this point, and get over those stupid delusions.
Gertrude's in town now... and boy did she make quite the entrance. Poor fucking Tamzen, she doesn't deserve being dragged into this. All she did was start dating a guy she liked, now two weeks later she's had to literally skin me, and has an old woman breathing down her neck trying to mold her into her heir apparent. I don't understand how she can find a relationship with me worth all this trouble... I certainly don't know how she could find *me* worth all this. Being honest with myself, last night was the perfect chance for her to cut me loose. She's been helping me far more than I've been helping her, and I'm the one getting more support in the relationship at this point. She could've easily walked away, using Gertrude or other recent events as a perfectly viable reason, and avoided all of this headache.
But... she didn't, she wants to stay with me. Admittedly, this is not something I'm used to, and for the life of me I can't understand why she isn't running. There is nothing special about me, I bring nothing of value to... no that's not true... I do have some value. I mean, I'm rich after all, fairly good looking I suppose, and not terrible in the bedroom. I guess I do bring those aspects of myself to...
(The handwriting takes a noticeable dip in quality, and the page looks as if the pen used to write on it nearly tore thorough) Fucking hell Xander why can't you just accept that she may actually want to have you around!? Why do you have to assume it's some transient surface level bullshit!? Why can't it just be that maybe she wants to be with you because of who you are, and not what you provide!? You love her, and it's not for any superficial bullshit reason, it's because she's fucking wonderful! She's smart, witty, kind, protective, and so many other great things! Maybe that's how she thinks of you stupid!
(The handwriting returns to normal) Anyways... anyways... regardless... I'm so grateful she's sticking by me. I... I feel so guilty for dragging her into all this, but I'm glad she's with me. She'd probably be fine without me, but I don't know how I'd be dealing with all of this without her. I hope that's not too selfish of me, gods I hope I'm not being too selfish. Tamzen please don't wind up hating me because of that woman... or for the weakness that kept me from keeping you safe from her.
I’ve got to go soon; Arsling’s transformation is tonight, and I promised her I'd be there (to be there for her and Tamzen both).  I need to think more about all this later though...

## S1E20 - En Garde!

Friday April 2nd, 2021
C/W: Self Hatred, Childhood Trauma, Dark Thoughts
I came to this tournament in the hopes of getting away from the dangers Night Falls presents for a bit.  A chance to relax, without Gertrude or those monster hating fucks around.  Yet again though, I’m reminded that nowhere I go will ever truly be safe.  Things that mean harm to my friends and I are always lurking just around the corner.  I let my guard down tonight, and Roni nearly paid for it.  I can never do that again... ever.  If anything had happened to them, or anyone else that was there, I would’ve never forgiven myself...

Sebastian and Elle are both very interesting individuals.  I couldn’t get a read on Elle the whole night, though it seemed like she was just trying to help (if doing a poor job of it).  Can’t blame her, she was the one with the least stake in the evenings events, and seemed woefully out of the loop at almost every turn.  She seemed really nice though, so maybe I should follow up with her sometime, invite her to tag along on some sort of escapade with Tamzen and Arsling.  She seems like she could use more friends.

Ah but Sebastian... where to even begin.  For one, I’m fairly certain he’s the only reason we found Roni tonight (well him and Arsling’s nose), so in that regard I’m grateful to him.  That doll though, the way he tucked it away and tried to pass it off as nothing... he’s up to something.  I’m not super well versed in magic, but I can certainly tell when someone’s trapped an evil something in some sort of vessel.  Though, honestly, I’m a six foot tall snake human hybrid, so in the weird department I’m not in any position to judge.  Used that high from beating Alex, and the courage it gave me, to strike a deal with him.  Neither of us will reveal what the other did that night, with an added little caveat I threw in at the end for good measure to make sure.  He certainly doesn’t seem like a bad dude, but if there’s anything I’ve learned at MHU, it’s that you can never be too careful.  I do look forward to seeing him in the future though to be honest, I genuinely believe tonight was the start of quite the wonderful friendship after all.

(There’s a large blank space between the previous and next section, as if Xander had hesitated to even write it.)

What happened with Arsling tonight... there are a lot of emotions there.  I don’t really want to address them, but I know I should.  That portion of the night was the only one where things got a bit... blurry, to say the least.  From the time she hit me, to the time she said ‘darling’, was nothing but fear and panic.  My body moved, and I was there, but I really wasn’t.  I... I must’ve looked so weak in those moments, so pathetic for having a single slap send me spiraling like that.  But, I can’t hide how much it truly did hurt me.  I can’t deny the years of... pain it brought back.  I know it’s not what she was intending, I know she was just trying to help, but it reminded me so much of... someone else.  Thankfully, for both of us and Roni, she reminded me of a different someone else too.  Darling huh, sad that such a little word can hold that much sway over me.  I suppose if it didn’t though, we’d have been screwed, but it shouldn’t have come to that in the first place anyways!  I’m so fucking weak, every time it shows someone I love gets hurt, Tamzen, Arsling, Mo...

Regardless, I never want her to know how deep of a wound she sank her hand into.  Linny’s a good person, and hearing her berate herself afterwards probably hurt more than whatever self-pitying bullshit I was feeling.  She deserves better company than some fragile rich kid with no real issues.  The bust she made, it’s such a kind gesture that she went through the effort and time just for me.  I don’t really think I deserve it, especially after tonight, but it’s going on my dresser all the same.  A reminder that there are good people in this world, and that some of them care about me.  I’m lucky, oh so lucky, to have people like Arsling in my life.

What happened with Arsling isn’t the only thing that’s weighing heavily on me though.  Namely, Alex, whatever they are... or I suppose were (though that depends on how bonded to that doll they are).  I feel... it felt wrong in a way, what I did to them.  I’ve always known I could pull off something like that, seduce someone with nothing but a few adjustments to my demeanor.  Yet, even after all the terrible things they’d done to Pietro and Sebastian and Roni, after how much they’ve probably hurt others in the same way they hurt my friends, I still felt dirty for tricking them.  Intimacy should be a sacred thing, not wielded like a weapon against those around you.  At least, that’s what I’ve thought my whole life...

So... even though it was oh so wrong... why did it feel so damn good?  I felt powerful when I was in that moment.  Alex, an apex predator in their own right, reduced to putty in my hands from a wink and a voice.  Holding them there, suspended in time... gods it was an intoxicating feeling.  I’ve never felt so in control of a situation in my entire life, their entire being was at my mercy.  I- I need to put a lid on this feeling before it gets out of hand.  This was an emergency, I had no other choice but to do it!  Yeah, that’s where this feeling is going to stay, locked up tight for emergency use only.

... no matter how badly I want to feel it again...

## S1E22 - Back on Byrd's Lake

[This entry is not written in his journal, it’s on a piece of paper he’s stashed in his mattress. It was written on the second day (Friday April 9th), while he was sitting outside the DJ booth in the WKND studio. The page is stained with tears, the writing smudged in places.]
C/W: Murderous Thoughts, Self Loathing, Depression, Controlling Family
**Roni**: Fencing accident, simple as that. One *faulty* piece of equipment I didn’t ‘check we’ll enough’.
They’re like my sibling though... maybe I can just find a way to get them expelled. That’d make it easier to cut off contact.
**Joseph**: I honestly don’t think I have to do anything there... he may just remove himself at this rate.
And I wouldn’t be there to help him...
**Lily**: Only met her once, but already the protective instinct is there. Very dangerous, so direct assault is out. Maybe some trickery? Poisons could do the job nicely.
But when she was crying... those all too familiar emotions... that hug... gods could I really bring myself to do that to her?
**Selene**: Absolutely zero clue how I’d pull that off... so hopefully she’ll just forget I exist if I just avoid her.
**Iva**: Very tricky, maybe a mirror?
Perhaps I could just leave her be... the campus *needs* her. I’d just have to do something to get her to *hate* me.
**Arsling**: I doubt I could make her hate me at this point, and she’d follow me if I left. I could turn others on her. She’s strong individually, but can’t stand up to a group.
*But she’s my best friend... could I even manage to live with myself after...*
**Tamzen**: She also wouldn’t let me go that easily, and she’d endanger herself in the Archive to find me. Perhaps the archive will just do the job... but no, I won’t let that happen. If anything I’d *need* to do it myself.

And I could...
I could do it so easily in my other form...
Simply crush the life out of her in an instant...

but I can’t...
I know I can’t...
This damnable soft heart of mine won’t let me...
No... it’s not that... it's not a bad thing to have a soft heart...
I love her... I love her so much...
Life would have no color without her... it’d simply all fade to grey...
No purpose to continue if not for her...

She’s done a great job of making herself scarce regardless, so for now I’ll just let her be. If she ever responds to any of my half hourly messages though... well maybe seeing her vibrant reds and greens again... hearing her voice and not Zenni’s... maybe that’ll do something...
**Gertrude**: 93 years old, not as frail as she looks but still. With her security entourage I’d have to be incredibly careful no matter what I tried. Though maybe she’ll just die of a stress related illness or a heart attack... I could only hope things would become that simple.
Or... I could fly home to Missouri...
Change my phone number, erase my social media presence, and be done with it. No one has to get hurt, no one will need to hate me. I’ll just suddenly be gone, no trace. It’d be foolproof... if Tamzen wouldn’t be able to hunt me down.
Besides... Gertrude has her sights set on Tamzen anyways. I’m too weak to do anything on my own, she’d never actually just let me go home now that this wonderful opportunity has fallen into her lap.
It’s not like I can cut off the old bat either... she’ll always find me in the end.
But something needs to change... one or the other has to go... it’s the only way...
The only way I can feel whole again... The only way for things to make any sense...
[The next portion is written on the back of the sheet of paper a couple of days later.]
Reading this I’ve realized, I can’t separate from those around me I’ve come to hold dear. I’m too weak to do any of the things I laid out on this paper. Not to any of them... and even if I’d managed it I wouldn’t want to live in that world...
No matter how difficult it is, and no matter how many need to fall in order to achieve it, I need to be rid of the Crossmans... once and for all.

Sunday April 11th, 2021

Well... I finally managed to sleep...
Originally I just thought I’d stay awake until Tamzen finally came home... but she hasn’t left the studio since Thursday.  So yesterday night I was finally coerced into sleeping by Selene, which was honestly exactly what I needed.  Tamzen though, she’s going on four days sleepless... still ignoring every message I send her... I’m starting to get really worried about her... even more so than I already was.  I don’t know how she can even still be functional.
I have to trust her though, she’ll come out when she’s ready.  For now I’ve got other things I can be working on.  Besides, she wouldn’t just skip out on date night.  I mean, maybe she will, but I choose to believe she won’t!  I’ll see her there, I can tell her how wonderful she is, how much I’ve missed her these past few days...
It... it has been a lonely past few days...
Seeing Selene yesterday was great though!  Just talking to her, getting all these floating thoughts and feelings off my chest... it was freeing really.  Aside from Iva, Selene’s about the only person on campus I feel can really relate to where I’m coming from.  I’m glad she’s such a nice approachable person, it seems like she hasn’t let the fame go to her head at all.
Then there’s Hellfire itself, what a great place.  Everyone’s so nice and friendly, I really felt welcomed there.  It’s about the only place I’ve felt good in recently.  Even just going back to my room for this journal and few other things... something still seemed off.  I thought the feeling of being watched would subside once I’d rested, but it was even stronger today.  Thankfully I had a Hellfire escort, or else I would’ve panicked for sure.  I came right back here afterwards, didn’t want to be out in the open for too long.  I’m considering asking someone to accompany me to Fantasie tonight, just as insurance, but I should be fine.  After all, if all goes well I’ll only be alone for the car ride over.
As a side note... I really hope Lily’s ok.  What happened Thursday... gods she must be devastated.  I wish I could reach out to her somehow, but Tamzen took her number and I have no idea what her social media accounts are named.  Hopefully I’ll run into her again soon, and just be able to sit down and talk to her.  Doesn’t matter whether it’s about Thursday or not, she just seems like she could use someone to talk to.
In the same vain I hope I didn’t upset Arsling too much.  I sure as hell wasn’t going to have Gertrude interrogating me as to why I was in an ambulance though, hell no.
Speaking of the old bat, finally figured out what each member of her personal entourage is.  I’ve already started identifying weaknesses amongst them, and honestly this may not be as hard as I thought.
I may not even have to lay a finger on any of them if I play my cards right...
Anyways, enough about that.  I’ve got a date to go prepare for after all!  I’m gonna look extra good tonight, that way when I see Tamzen she won’t help but stick around!
If I see her... I hope I see her...