Korn

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During an all-night studio session, Korn backup dancer Arial Helvetica insisted on arm-wrestling every individual chicken wing in the nearby KFC.

When bassinet player Garbanzo Gorbachev reminded him that you can't technically "arm"-wrestle a wing, Helvetica quit the band to become a geneticist.

His so-called "chickens with arms" are about to begin FDA testing.

Bjorne Bloomingdale

Sneaking into a neighboring farm, Korn gaffer Bjorn Bloomingdale misread the No Trespassing sign as "No Traipsing," and assumed that as long as he walked solemnly and deliberately, the guard dogs wouldn't attack.

At the hospital, doctors reassured him that a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's.

Not believing it, Bjorn convinced Korn boom operator Awk Traceroute to bite his other leg, to test the hypothesis.

Bjorn died the next day because doctors did not have antibiotics powerful enough to treat both infections.

Cab Calloway

In 1992, Korn veterinarian Cab Calloway opened a bring-your-own-cat cafe in Santa Clara, California.

He got drunk on opening night, and his defamatory comments about terrorist organization Al-Qaeda made the morning news.

In response, Al-Qaeda opened a competing cat cafe across the street, issuing a statement that "We will destroy the infidels from within their own corrupt system."

Al-Qaeda's cat cafe was a massive success. Calloway now works across the street from the cafe as a dog vendor.

Clara Rockmore

"Korn theremin player Clara Rockmore lost a dog eating contest against Frank Lloyd Wright.

As per the terms of the bet, the B-side of every Korn single since has been Wright's architectural landmark, "Fallingwater."

Clegg Clapham

Receiving a pallet of boxes from the Coca Cola corporation, Korn argued over what to call it. Turntablist Clegg Clapham called it "pop."

Waterphone player Turnpike Rumblestrip said "soda." Contracellist Fitzpatrick Guggenheim just said "'da."

Pyrotechnics expert Woodrow Smallpox called it "sugar fizzy," and circuit bender Dallas Hopplehorn called it "diet sugar fizzy."

After opening one of the boxes, they discovered that it was a shipment of Vitamin Water.

Dom Schema

While touring a steel mill, Korn drummer Dom Schema stepped in a spilled puddle of liquid nitrogen and his mimetic polyalloy (liquid metal) crystallized, revealing his nature as a T-1000 series terminator.

Witnessing this, bassist Cisco Router tearfully confessed that he is a series T-800 but has always been afraid to admit it.

They are happily married to this day; their wedding bands are made of mimetic polyalloy (liquid metal).

Elsinore Barrier

Right before turning 40, Korn sous chef Elsinore Barrier Reef petitioned Congress to raise middle age to 65.

They misunderstood his request as "65%," which is why life stages are now graded on a curve.

Gary Glitter

In 2007 Korn lead singer Gary Glitter shared an uncomfortable elevator ride with a fan who kept making pointed eye contact and reciting "oo-ah-ah-ah-ah."

Days later, the fan realized that "Down With The Sickness" is not a Korn song, shrugged, and soon forgot about his mistake.

Gary never understood the interaction and wonders about it to this day.

Georgios Papanikolau

Korn cellist Georgios Papanikolaou invented a new breakfast cereal and spent millions of dollars marketing it as "Korn Pops."

When informed that a very similar cereal name was already trademarked, marketing inertia only allowed him to change a single letter of the name while retaining brand recognition.

He ended up diversifying with a different name in each region: Korn Poops, in American Samoa, performed most poorly.

Korn Paps performed best, due to the high density of obstetricians in the Czech Republic.

Jimothy Johnson

Googling his own name, Korn bassist Jimothy Johnson discovered slash fic shipping him with polymath Paul Erdos.

He hired a private detective to track down the author, a fifteen year old Tumblr user named Dislokatie.

Johnson worked with her to adapt the story to the screen, but when he discovered that even a steamy sex scene with a fictional Erdos wouldn't improve his Erdos-Bacon number, He dropped out of the project and never spoke of it again.

He was replaced by George Clooney; Dislokatie and Alan Smithee shared the Oscar for best original screenplay.

John Jacob Christmas

Korn master sergeant John Jacob Christmas owed too much money on taxes and his accountant informed him he needed to have a teen child, pronto.

Christmas started dating daytime soap star Monica Cruz, figuring that her fast-aging kid on the show was a result of speedy genetics.

Unfortunately, John Jacob's tax break never materialized, because Korn was the dream of the last mammal alive in hibernation after a comet scoured the surface of the Earth.

Oral Fixation Roberts

Korn saxophonist Oral "Fixation" Roberts decided it was time to pull the Sega Genesis out of his closet and finally beat Sonic the Hedgehog 2.

When his bandmates found him in the morning, stuck on the sound test screen, they explained to him that the "walkthrough" he'd found online was actually Bubsy the Bobcat fan fiction in which Bubsy and Inspector Javert team up to fight music piracy.

Bubsy creator Mike Berlyn happened to be crashing on the couch that week.

"Let me show you the good stuff," he said, directing Roberts to the Bubsy fan porn on Newgrounds.

Plith Plath

Korn VP of Marketing Plith Plath decided to debut Korn's new single by hijacking the transatlantic MIDI cable and broadcasting the song on all 16 channels.

Even emergency channel 9 which is reserved for heartwarming pick-me-ups like "Friday I'm In Love."

After Plith's arrest, Korn CEO Sylvia Plath issued a statement denying allegations, claiming that "No son of mine would try to recreate a live guitar part as a General MIDI sequence."

Rutherford B. Haploid

In 1952, Korn physical therapist Rutherford B. Haploid started dating conjoined twins.

Wanting to be equitable, he bought a drafting table and slide rule to figure out how to make out with both of them at once.

On hearing this, Ethel, the left-hand twin, showed him the issue of ACM that published her PhD thesis in which she'd already solved this problem.

Gertrude, the right-hand twin, elbowed Rutherford in the ribs and explained that "this is why I keep this girl around."

Sergio van Lukenstein

Of Korn single "Jungle Bellz," Rolling Stone reviewer Sergio van Lukenstein thought especially highly of the B-side, "Fallingwater," writing that including an entire house with the album is of "great pragmatic as well as artistic value to the listener.

Opinion soon turned on Korn come the new fiscal year, when all their fans were hit with severe property taxes.

Todd Replogle

Needing quick cash to pay for a sick new tattoo, Korn PHP ninja Todd Replogle formed a crack team to rob the Belvedere, Maryland municipal water treatment plant.

The team wore baklava on their heads because Todd had read a WikiHow article exhorting it as the most effective way to hide your face from security cameras.

Police tracked down Todd and his team by releasing ants into the street, which rapidly followed the trail of honey back to the Korn Kave.

Warren Gamaliel Harding

Korn double bassist Warren Gamaliel Harding kept taking the Kornmobile out to run personal errands and not filling up the tank.

To teach him a lesson, the gang secretly began following him while he was driving and using a powerful UV laser to pop individual corn kernels on the Kornmobile's surface.

Urban raccoons quickly learned that following Warren around was a source of easy food, and to this day, even after he's switched vehicles, they continue to skitch behind him in hopes that he'll drop a morsel.

Rush Hour Brodeo

All four members of Korn turned 35 in the early 2000s and all four decided to run for president in the 2004 election cycle.

They were disqualified when they guested together on the Rush Hour Brodeo and renounced their US Citizenship to declare fealty to Nu-Metal Planet 101.3 FM as a publicity stunt.

Kit Marlowe

Korn surveyor Kit Marlowe received a visit from three spirits the evening before the milk in the fridge expired.

They showed him visions from past and future expiration dates in his life.

In the morning, he didn't have time to go grocery shopping so he put milk of magnesia in his breakfast cereal.

Georgios Paps

Korn cellist Georgios Papanikolaou was pleased to see that his Korn Paps breakfast cereal was selling well.

Well enough that soon, every vagina had all the paps that they needed, and sales dropped to near zero.

Papanikolaou reacted decisively, designing a new kind of paps-hungry vagina and lobbying congress to mandate its adoption.

An unintended side effect of these pap-ravenous birth canals was that any baby born with the name "Pap" was rapidly reabsorbed into the womb during childbirth.

Korn facts