2023 Power Rankings-Week 14

## Introduction

How is this for parity? The top four teams in the league right now are the four teams that played in the consolation tournament last season. Three of them have clinched playoffs, and Sweet Dee would need a catastrophic collapse (not impossible, but unlikely) to miss playoffs herself.

And now, after 12 years and 13 games, it's time for something completely different! For the first time, all five matchups in the regular season finale are single-headers. Everybody is facing their opponent for the first time in the 2023 season. And while the finale isn't packing the kind of punch we are used to here in the League of Champions, there are still two pivotal matchups that will determine which of the bubble teams gets to dance. And a third matchups, RIP vs. Paddock 9, is a battle of two 99-loss teams. The loser will become the fourth franchise to notch 100 losses. Plenty of pride on the line.

Coldplay really had it right when they sang "nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard." Fantasy in 2023 has really felt that way.

D'Onta Foreman went from a practice squad player, to a bell cow, to a "we're not really sure if he should be your RB1 or not on a roster" all in a span of a few months.

Patrick Mahomes is the face of the league. But can momma start him in the playoffs?

What does Papa do about Adam Thielen. Four total catches over the last two games, but unquestionably the lead WR on the Panthers. Do you bench him and risk a breakout in the week where a loss may send you home?

How does Pat manage Cooper Kupp? A first round pick that he gave up a 2024 3rd to obtain. Super Bowl MVP. You know the one. He had a good game last week. Not great. And has otherwise been terrible. Do you bench Cooper Kupp?

I could go on and on. This season has been weird, and each season gets weirder. So it makes sense that the team that has been crazy dominant all season is getting weaker right before playoffs. Or that one of the hottest teams is tied for 10th. It's really anybody's trophy to win this year (except for the 4-9 teams that are already eliminated).

We have seven teams and only six slots available. Somebody is getting their heart broken this week.

Let's get into it.

## Matchup Recap

* The Multiverse of Mattness finally avenges his Glory Bowl loss and clinches a bye in the process by beating The Stupid Idiots (5-7). **Next Matchup: N/A**
* Sweet Dee shocks the world with a playoff-clinching win for her record 4th straight victory and 3rd straight in the matchup against Pain Train (8-11). **Next Matchup: 2024 Regular Season**
* Ma ma momma said slays the giant in a convincing win vs. Paddock 9 (12-7). **Next Matchup: N/A**
* Papa's Posse keeps playoff hopes alive with a huge performance against the powerful Shotti Bunch (7-12). **Next Matchup: 2024 Regular Season**
* Duck Punchers finishes strong and gets a blowout victory over RIPDab (9-10). **Next Matchup: N/A**

## Stat Chat

* Ma ma momma said becomes the 4th team to reach 90 regular season wins.
* Paddock 9 becomes the 3rd team to reach 90 regular season losses.
* Pain Train becomes the 7th team to reach 80 regular season losses.
* Mattness ties momma and Shotti for the 2nd-most seasons with 9 or more wins (5).
* Sweet Dee has tied her longest winning streak in regular season history (4 games).
* The Multiverse of Mattness will complete the 2023 without a multigame losing streak. It will be the third time he has done so in franchise history.
* The Stupid Idiots has tied their longest losing streak in franchise regular season history (5 games).
* The Shotti Bunch logged the 10th-highest point total by a losing team in regular season history.
* The Shotti Bunch lost by the narrowest margin of the week for the 2nd time this season. He has also won by the narrowest margin once, lost by the widest margin twice, and won by the widest margin four times. In total, Shotti has been involved in either the biggest blowout or the closest matchup 9 times in 13 weeks.
* Mattness defeats Idiots for just the second time since September 2019.

## Most Seasons with No Back-to-Back Losses

Seasons Without Back-to-Back Losses
 The Shotti Bunch
 ma ma momma said
 Multiverse of Mattness
 Pain Train
 Paddock 9
 RIPDab
 The Stupid Idiots
 Sweet Dee
 Papa's Posse

## Who's Hot, Who's Not?

Charts are color-coded on the website but only if you read on your computer/tablet. Nothing has color on mobile.

Scoring Over Last Three Weeks
 The Multiverse of Mattness
 Papa's Posse
 Duck Punchers
 Sweet Dee
 ma ma momma said
 Paddock 9
 Pain Train
 RIPDab
 The Stupid Idiots

What to make of this!? Paddock 9 was the hottest team in the league two weeks ago. But now he is ranked 7th over the last three weeks in scoring.

The Shotti Bunch, meanwhile, has ascended to the top spot despite a loss. His opponent, Papa, likewise rises in the ranks from 6th to 3rd, heating up at the right time as he heads into a crucial week 14 matchup.

The Stupid Idiots is heading in the opposite direction as he is the only team to not break 550 combined points from weeks 11-13.

Duck Punchers looks to be the favorite to win the Heart and Soul Bowl after another stellar performance as he is currently the top scoring consolation team.

### All-Time Season Finale Standings (Minimum Two Games)

Updated 12/6/23

Mattness is the best finisher in history, though it doesn't matter if he wins this game with the 2-seed locked in. Right behind him is Pain Train, who he plays this week. Both teams are coming off week 14 losses last season.

Papa, thanks to Papa Magic, is third on this list and facing the active team with the worst finale record. But that team happens to be on a four-game win streak.

No team has ever won the season finale four seasons in a row. That is about to change. RIPDab and Paddock 9 have each won the season finale three seasons in a row heading into their showdown. One will get that incredible fourth win. The other...a 100th loss.

## Playoffs??

Thanks to the double-dicking of the DiGennaro boiz, Mattness locked up the #2 seed in week 13 and Shotti dropped a big game to Papa's Posse, which in turn moved Papa into the #6 spot for the time being. That being said, Shotti scored a tremendous amount of points and that puts him well beyond what any of the 4-7 seeds are capable of reaching. Since the 6-seed will have 7-wins, Shotti will at worst tie with them, and he will own the tie-breaker. That means he will finish no lower than 5th, but a win locks him into 3rd.

Losses by Pain and Dab eliminated them both from playoff contention, while a fifth-straight defeat sent Stupid Idiots cascading down to the 7th seed. Idiots still has a decent shot at the playoffs, but this week becomes a must-win against the hot/cold momma.

### Magic Number

A Winning Magic Number is the number of consecutive upcoming games a team must **win** to guarantee winning a given playoff spot. These take into account scoring differentials deemed to be significant.

^ - Means Team will Finish Better Than this Playoff Spot

X - Means Team Cannot Win This Playoff Spot

Number - Indicates the total number of upcoming games the team must win in order to guarantee this spot.

DNCD - Means team Does Not Control Its Destiny, and thus even after winning all remaining games they need help from other teams, be it with scoring or victories

(B) - Indicates First Round Bye Clinched

(P) - Playoff Berth Clinched

### Elimination Number

An Elimination Number is the number of consecutive upcoming games a team must **lose** to guarantee losing a given playoff spot.

^ - Means Team will Finish Better Than this Playoff Spot

X - Means Team Cannot Win This Playoff Spot

Number - Indicates the total number of upcoming games the team must lose in order to guarentee losing this spot.

MW - Means team Might Win this spot even if they lose the rest of their games.

* - Indicates first round bye

### Week 14 Playoff Scenarios

#### Locked In

BYE:

* Paddock 9
* The Multiverse of Mattness

PLAYOFFS:

* The Shotti Bunch (by virtue of having one more win and over 300 points more than the 7th place team)

#### Clinching Scenarios

* The Shotti Bunch Clinches the 3-seed with:
	+ **Win** or
	+ **Loss** by Sweet Dee *and* ma ma momma said
* Sweet Dee Clinches a Playoff Spot with:
	+ **Win** or
	+ **Loss** by The Stupid Idiots or
	+ **Loss** by ma ma momma said *and* **maintain 3.24 point score advantage** or
	+ **Maintain 245.39 point score advantage** over The Stupid Idiots
* Sweet Dee Clinches the 3-seed with:
	+ **Win** and **Loss** by The Shotti Bunch and one of the following: **Loss** by momma or **maintain 3.24 point score advantage** over momma
* Ma ma momma said Clinches a Playoff Spot with:
	+ **Win** or
	+ **Loss** by either The Stupid Idiots or Papa's Posse
* Ma ma momma said Clinches the 3-seed with:
	+ **Win** and **Loss** by The Shotti Bunch and Sweet Dee or
	+ **Win** and **Loss** by The Shotti Bunch and one of the followign: **Loss** by Sweet Dee or **Outscore Sweet Dee by 3.24 points**
* Papa's Posse Clinches a Playoff Spot with:
	+ **Win** or
	+ **Loss** by The Stupid Idiots and **maintain 137.63 point advantage**
* The Supid Idiots Clinches a Playoff Spot with:
	+ **Win** and **Loss** by Papa's Posse or
	+ **Loss by Papa's Posse** *and* **Outscore** Papa's Posse by at least 137.63 points

## Season Finale Through the Ages

As always, we begin the regular season final week writeup with our retrospective.

I will admit, every year this gets longer and longer and now it may be so long that nobody reads. But I'll continue to include and add year after year as the history of this fun league grows.

Let's take a look back at some of the most memorable season finale showdowns before heading into a week 14 that promises to have some fireworks.

### 2011 - A Legend is Born

At 6-6, Papa needed a win *and* a loss by either Mattness or Brak and Yellow to make playoffs. Meanwhile, Pain Train (9-3) was facing RIPDab (9-3). The winner was getting a bye, the loser was playing in the quarterfinals. Let's take a look at the results:

7th > 2nd
 Papa's Posse

9th > 5th
 bob's bananas

With those two results, Papa jumped from 7th to 6th and Brak and Yellow fell from 5th to 7th. Papa would go on to win the Glory Bowl by defeating Duck Punchers again. Meanwhile...

1st > 3rd
 RIPDab

Tied for first heading into the week, Pain Train is defeated handily by RIPDab and is forced into the 3-seed, where they would lose in the opening round to none other than Papa's Posse.

### 2012 - First 6-7 Team Ever Clinches Playoff Berth in Upset Victory

Pain Train (4-8, 7th) almost became the first and only 5-8 team to make the playoffs. They needed a win and a loss by "Why am I doing this" (5-7, 6th). In one of the most surprising performances and playoff berths in history, "Why am I doing this" upset the soon-to-be Glory Bowl II champion momma (9-3) in week 13, knocking Pain Train into the consolation tourney. Pain Train had outscored WAIDT on the season by close to 400 points.

6th > 2nd
 Why am I doing this

### 2013 - Pain Train Takes Down the Momma Dynasty

All six playoff spots were decided by week 13, with 6th place IAMGROOT (6-6) two games ahead of 7th place Paddock 9 (4-8). But at the top of the standings, a powerhouse showdown determined the 2-seed in the league. Defending champion momma (9-3) took on Pain Train (8-4), with the winner getting a first round bye and the loser forced to play in the quarterfinals.

3rd > 2nd
 Pain Train WOO WOO

With an absolute beatdown of MMMS, PT won the bye spot while momma would go on to defeat IAMGROOT in the quarterfinals, only to be taken down again by Pain Train in the semifinals. Pain Train single-handedly vanquished the potential momma dynasty that year.

### 2014 - IAMGROOT Clinches by Less than 1 Point

Paddock 9 (5-7, 7th) was in a race against IAMGROOT (6-6, 6th) yet again. This time, Paddock needed a win against momma (10-2, 1st) and a Groot loss against Sweet Dee (2-10, 10th) and they would be in. The odds were stacked against them and these two games proved to be the most close, exciting showdowns to determine a playoff spot...ever.

7th > 1st
 Paddock 9

6th > 10th
 IAMGROOT

IAMGROOT makes the playoffs by less than 1 point. Despite the victory, Paddock 9 finished in 7th, a game back. A similar story could be unfolding in 2022.

Paddock 9 still managed to unseat momma from the 1-seed, which was taken by Duck punchers. DP went on to defeat momma in Glory Bowl IV.

### 2015 - History Repeats Itself: Papa & Duck Play Win-or-Go-Home

The storied rivalry continues for Papa and Duck, two of the first four champions in the LOC.

Duck (5-7, 7th) owned the points tie-breaker with Papa's Posse (6-6, 6th). The two faced off in week 13, with the winner guaranteed a playoff spot and the loser guaranteed the Consolation Tournament. It is one of the few pure win-or-go-home games we have ever seen in week 13.

Papa took care of business and sent the defending champion packing.

6th > 7th
 Papa's Posse

This would be the first (and still only) time that Duck Punchers missed the playoffs, though their legacy still has not completely recovered.

### 2017 - Three Teams, Two Spots.

This year's race for the Festival of Champions did not disappoint. Garoppoblow Me (5-7, 7th) was in a tight race all season with ma ma momma said (6-6, 6th) and now the two teams would go head-to-head, with the winner punching their ticket to the big dance. Meanwhile, Paddock 9 (6-6, 5th), was at risk of falling into 7th if they lost and got outscored by momma (momma was only 8 points behind them for the point tie-break).

7th > 6th
 Garoppoblow Me

5th > 4th
 Paddock 9

Momma was sent, once again, into the consolation tournament. P9 and PT faced off again in the quarterfinals, where Pain Train won the rematch. GBM made it to the semis, where they were curb-stomped by Glory Bowl VII champion, The Shotti Bunch.

And as we have seen, defending Glory Bowl champions do not fair well in bubble games...

### 2018 - The Death of a Dynasty

The Shotti Bunch (6-6, 7th) faced Duck Punchers (6-6, 5th), with the winner automatically in. Sweet Dee (6-6, 6th) was also guaranteed entry into the Festival of Champions if they could win against Papa's Posse (3rd, 8-4), but also gets in if they could retain season scoring leads over the loser of the TSB vs. DUCK mega-match.

Papa wouldn't even consider throwing the match to help block one of the two former champions. They had an outside shot at a bye spot, if Pain Train (9-3, 2nd) were to fall to rival Paddock 9 (7-5, 4th).

5th > 7th
 Duck Punchers

3rd > 6th
 Papa's Posse

2nd > 4th
 Pain Train

Sweet Dee lost week 13, but caught a break when Duck defeated Shotti on a garbage time 40+ yard completion from Tom Brady to James White. With both Shotti and Sweet Dee losing, it came down to a score tie-breaker. Sweet Dee had the edge by over 100 points, so for the second time in LOC history, Dee clinched the 6-seed as a sub-.500 team. Duck, with their victory, had helped decide the 2018 Glory Bowl champion. Had they lost, they would have been 6-7 but owned the tie-breaker over 6-7 Sweet Dee. They'd have been the 6th seed, with Shotti as the 5th and Dee eliminated. Instead, that one play to James White got Dee into the tournament. And the rest is history, with Dee winning the Glory Bowl over Pain Train. This week 13 marked the end of the league's biggest dynasty. The Shotti Bunch's shocking fall from grace after three straight Glory Bowls changed the history of the league forever.

### 2019 - Deja Vu All Over Again

If 2018 ended the greatest post-season stretch of dominance, 2019 ended the greatest regular season stretch of dominance (and also the greatest regular season stretch of sucking).

Ma ma momma said (8th seed) went up against Commish (6th seed) for the final playoff spot.

GBM had won 5 of their last 7 heading into the final two weeks of the season and just needed to beat either the 5-6 Stupid Idiots in week 12 or the 5-7 momma in week 13.

After falling to Stupid Idiots, GBM entered worst case scenario territory...

Momma owned the points tie-breaker by 2 points. If Momma won, they would be tied with GBM in the standings at 6-6 but have the edge in points. It would eliminate GBM and launch Momma back into the Festival.

Meanwhile, RIPDab (5-7) could also make the playoffs. They needed to win and hope for a GBM loss. That would create a 3-way tie at 6-7 between RIP, GBM, and MMS. RIP owned the tie-breaker in points over both teams and would have finished 6th. But their opponent that week was first place Duck (9-3) who would clinch the Commissioner's Cup with a win.

8th > 6th
 ma ma momma said

1st > 7th
 Duck Punchers

They were two of the biggest choke jobs in week 13 history. For GBM, his second lowest score of the season. For RIPDab, the lowest score of the season in the entire league. GBM's streak of top-four finishes was snapped at four seasons, while MMMS made playoffs for the first time since losing the Glory Bowl in 2015. Duck won his third Commissioner's Cup. Paddock 9, a dark horse in 2019, would end up winning their first championship.

### 2020 - Bad Teams Spoil the Bunch

2020 was as much about the playoff contenders as it was about the Consolation Tournament teams.

Garoppoblow Me (2-10) had won just two regular season games after their crushing loss to Momma (7-5) in 2019, but came into their week 13 matchup with a thirst for revenge. If they could win, MMMS might become the first 7-win team to miss the playoffs.

The Stupid Idiots (6-6) was up against a bitter Papa's Posse (5-7) who happened to be the second-hottest team in the league. Idiots needed a win and a Momma loss to clinch the playoffs. Papa would be more than happy to finish 6-7.

Meanwhile, the two previous Glory Bowl champions went at it for a shot at the bye. Sweet Dee (8-4) and P9 (9-3) were having their best regular seasons ever and looking to be the 2nd team to win multiple championships. The loser of that matchup was still in the playoffs, but risked losing the bye to the winner of RIPDab (7-5) vs. Pain Train (7-5).

It was a rare season where all five games mattered one way or another. And thanks to COVID, this was the week where we had two Monday night games AND A TUESDAY GAME.

9th > 6th
 Garoppoblow Me

With GBM's dominant win, the door was opened for momma to miss out on playoffs. And Stupid Idiots walked right through that door.

7th > 8th
 The Stupid Idiots

The crazy close finish between Idiots and Papa ensured that momma was the first seven win team to miss the playoffs, while Idiots finished with their best record ever.

But the bye was still to be determined.

1st > 2nd
 Paddock 9

Greg Zuerlein missed THREE field goals for Sweet Dee, any one of which would have been enough to put Dee over the top. Instead, she lost by less than four.

With that win, Paddock 9 won the Commissioner's Cup for the first time and Sweet Dee was forced into a quarterfinals game (where she lost).

5th > 4th
 RIPDab

Dab won by less than a point when Zeke caught a garbage time pass that re-took the lead in a Cowboys/Ravens game that also featured Pain Train's kicker Justin Tucker. Tucker had missed a kick earlier in the game that could have won it for Pain Train, who still had a shot if Dallas could get a RZ stop with minutes remaining. Alas, they gave up a Gus Edwards TD and Tucker kicked a measly one-point try instead of a 4-point go ahead FG.

Any chance that Duck had of getting the bye went out the window when 2-11 Shotti beat them by over 100 points.

All in all, a week that came out of nowhere as one of the most fantastic finishes in LOC history.

### 2021 - Add a Week, Subtract the Drama

In 2021, a similar but less dramatic scenario unfolded with Papa, RIP, and Shotti. RIP and Shotti were facing off, while Papa was facing his rival Duck Punchers. Papa needed to win to notch his seventh victory of 2021. Shotti and RIPDab, meanwhile, already had win #7 and were each looking for their eighth. There was a chance that if Papa had a big week he could beat Duck Punchers and catch up in scoring to the loser of RIP/TSB. But if Papa were to get down early than both Dab and Shotti would be making the dance regardless.

3rd > 7th
 Duck Punchers

6th > 5th
 RIPDab

It was a respectable game for Papa, but he was still a win behind Shotti for the 6th seed and didn't have the points in a tiebreaker anyway. Both Shotti and Nate made the playoffs, where they would go down in the quarterfinals, and Papa ended up the loser of the Heart and Soul Bowl.

Elsewhere, Mattness and momma were competing for a top spot in the LOC standings. Mattness had 8 wins and no score advantage over momma, but if he won and Duck lost than he would be the 2-seed. Momma was hoping for a victory, which would secure his first ever Commissioner's Cup.

4th > 1st
 Mattness

The victory may have felt great and affected seeding, but momma still had enough of an advantage over both other 9-win teams to claim the Commissioner's Cup. Mattness could not earn the bye and instead took down Shotti in a stunner to open the Festival of Champions.

### 2022 - Every Matchup Matters

How often can we honestly say in week 14 that every matchup matters? In 2021 2-11 Paddock 9 beat 5-8 Sweet Dee. Nobody cared.

In 2022, there were only two eliminated teams, with the 8th place Paddock 9 having a VERY reasonable shot at making playoffs as the 6th seed.

Paddock 9 was the hottest team in the LOC and was 6-7. If they beat 7-6 Stupid Idiots by more than 32.64 points than they are in the playoffs. Period.

The reason for this? Shotti and RIPDab were each 7-6, but each had 150 points LESS than Paddock 9. The loser of that matchup would get leap-frogged by Pat and be in the consolation bracket with The Stupid Idiots.

If that were to happen, there was an avenue through which the loser of Nate vs. Shotti could get in, but they would have needed Papa's Posse to choke against Sweet Dee, and Papa was having another season of Papa Magic and Sweet Dee was riding a six game losing streak.

And let us not discount the drama at the top of the standings. Pain Train had the score advantage over momma, but momma had the win. If mattness, who desperately wanted to win and hope for a Dee loss so he didn't finish in last place, pulled the "upset" over momma than Pain Train could take down the presumptive Commissioner's Cup winner Duck Punchers and snag the two-seed in the Festival. I put "Upset" in quotes because Mattness was the first 10th-seeded team in history to have a higher point total than a 2-seed heading into the final week of the regular season.

As far as X-factors beyond just "make it" or "miss it?" If RIPDab were to miss playoffs after starting 6-3 it would be one of the bigger collapses we have ever seen. If Paddock 9 were to make playoffs after starting 3-6 it would be one of the greatest underdog stories we have ever seen.

So how did it play out?

2nd > 10th
 ma ma momma said

It was an absolute embarrassment of a game.

1st > 3rd
 Duck Punchers

With these two matchups being laughers, the drama for the Commissioner's Cup was sucked from the room early. But how about Paddock 9, needing just a win and a score advantage to pull off a crazy playoff run?

8th > 4th
 Paddock 9

So close, yet so far. Paddock 9 became one of the few 7-win teams to miss playoffs after beating the defending champion but failing to gain the score advantage necessary. The worst part? He had the points on his bench with Donavan Peoples-Jones outscoring starter Darius Slayton by 20.30 points.

And how about the Shotti vs. Nate rivalry? Well, with Papa doing this:

6th > 9th
 Papa's Posse

It meant that Nate vs. Shotti was a win-or-go-home. And it delivered with the highest total of the week.

7th > 5th
 RIPDab

RIPDab took years of anger out on Shotti and knocked him out of the playoffs for the first time in franchise history.

### 2023 - Two Teams. One Spot.

While this isn't the fireworks of a year ago, with all ten teams fighting for something, there is a pretty clear scenario unfolding.

If Papa wins, he's in. And Stupid Idiots is eliminated even if he wins.

If Papa loses, and Idiots wins, Papa is eliminated.

If Papa and Idiots both lose, Papa is in.

Seeding is a little murky. 4-6 are within 10 points of each other, and depending on who wins Sweet Dee vs. Papa, the whole lot could shuffle.

As a little bonus, we have the battle of the 99-loss teams Paddock 9 and RIPDab. Loser hits 100.

The byes are locked. The bottom three seeds are locked.

Anything can happen.

## Above and Below

A chart to track how many games above/below projections for each team.

Paddock 9 has now undeperformed the same number of times as RIPDab, Papa, Shotti, and Mattness.

## Absolute Standings

Absolute Standings tracks the standings if the top five scoring teams won every week regardless of matchup.

## Trade Tracker

Hey Ladies and Gents, I am a little bit running out of time this week so these are not updated but I'll do both weeks next time.

### Nacua for Kupp

Starts (Paddock 9):

* 7

Starts (RIPDab)

* 8

### Monty for Howell/Mostert

Starts (Paddock 9):

* David Montgomery - 2

Starts (Papa's Posse):

* Sam Howell - 1
* Raheem Mostert - 2

## Power Rankings - Week 14

* APT = Record against Playoff Teams
* L3 = Record over Last Three Games

### 1(1). Paddock 9 (B) 11-1

* APT: 5-2
* L3: 1-2

I'll say it. Body language is not great on this team. Why does Travis Kelce suddenly look 60 years old? Jalen Hurts beat projection but isn't passing the eye test right now either. Do we have a defense problem? Is the Chargers offense going to lose steam if they fall way out of playoff contention Cooper Kupp..what do you do? This team if very good, and once again they were playing without key players like Diggs and Hockenson and we all knew this stretch of games would be the toughest for Paddock 9. They are still favored to win it all, but they are far from immortal.

### 2(3). The Shotti Bunch (P)

* APT: 2-6
* L3: 2-1

Has caught some breaks, like the win against Dab, and gotten fucked, like his lost against Papa. But all is well that ends well, and this regular season is going to end with a playoff berth. This week is a good get-right week. Tweak the lineup, fine tune the flex. Maybe hope that Swift and Breece remember how to run the ball again. All that good stuff. But can we TALK about Mike FUCKING Evans? 1,000 yards again. DJ Khaled voice: anothah one. We did it, Joe. All that good stuff. Feels great to root for the good guys. Sucks he plays for the evil empire but gotta tip my cap to Mikey.

### 3(2). Multiverse of Mattness (P)

* APT: 6-2
* L3: 3-0

Dead in the water until Deebo Samuel L. Jackson said he'd had it with these mother fucking Idiots in this mother fucking league and finally enacted some Glory Bowl revenge for poor Commish. Now beating projection is great, but Mattness got basically nothing from the rest of this team this week. Rhamondre is done, potentially until the Salty Dolphin or Glory Bowl. Bijan...I have no words for Bijan. Devin Singletary looks like a Single Hit Wonder. And Jaylen hasn't Waddled into the endzone in forever despite Miami dropping 100 points a week. There are issues. But the one win counted as three wins and Mattness doesn't have to worry about a game result until Christmas.

### 4(5). Papa's Posse

* APT: 2-5
* L3: 2-1

PAPA MAGIC! Brock Purdy masterclass, who woulda thunk it? DK Metcalf, eat your heart out. In the face of a great performance coming from Shotti. But similar to Mattness above, Brock's 58 and Metcalf's 51 masked some issues on this team. Cleveland defense completely blew it against the Rams. Thielen, as previously mentioned, has been a dud. PachecOHNO has potentially landed himself on IR.

### 5(4). Sweet Dee

* APT: 3-4
* L3: 3-0

You've got to be Njoking right now. Is David Njoku, Nate's heart throb, going to be the reason that Sweet Dee doesn't go on a run in the playoffs? Russell Wilson, despite really looking like shit, has been a fine sub for Joe Burrow. But TE is a glaring weakness as Dee prepares for a surprise playoff appearance. Not only that, but Austin Ekeler has become a complete liabaility and now reports are saying he may be losing his bell cow roll. Do you risk benching him? There are question marks here, but Dee is on a heater and this matchup against Papa will be fireworks.

### 6(8). Duck Punchers

* APT: 2-7
* L3: 2-1

Gets to do the kind of fun thing and play spoiler but with each passing week it must get harder and harder to stomach the fact that this team is so fucking good and yet chocked so fucking bad. Five players over 30 points and a 271 point thumping of RIPDab to eliminate him from playoffs, and all of this without Kenneth Walker and Jonathan Taylor.

### 7(7). Ma ma momma said

* APT: 4-4
* L3: 1-2

Brown was about as productive as Hollywood during the SAG strike, while Kareem Hunt acted like the backup RB he is and failed to break 10 points. Tyler Not a Lock Lockett is slowing down because he's 1,000 years old and Philadelphia Defense against SF was about as smart a decision as someone can make if that someone was in 2004 when the 49ers won two games.

### 8(6). Pain Train

* APT: 1-7
* L3: 1-2

It's all over but the cryin'. A strong run is going to come up just short as Tank Dell/Christian Kirk both got hurt early in their games, Josh Letdown Downs scores 4.4, and you know I could just go on and on because this whole team underperformed. They have a good shot at the Heart and Soul Bowl if they can get healthy but the miracle story is over.

### 9(9). The Stupid Idiots

* APT: 3-4
* L3: 0-3

Nearly sprung the entire league into chaos with a takedown of Mattness. It would have thrust them into the 6th-seed with a one-game advantage but not score advantage while also opening the bye wide open for four teams. Instead, they ran out of steam with Tee Higgs Boson proving to be harder to find than the God Particle and the plan of starting Mattness's old flames Jake Moody and Jacksonville defense totally backfiring because turns out there was a reason Mattness had dropped those bums in the first place. Now they fight for their lives, with the hope of a dynasty fading faster than Tua Tagovailoa with a big lead. The big question heading into week 14 may be how well Garrett Wilson can perform. Wilson is so talented but has nobody to throw to. Garrett Wilson would be Justin Jefferson if Zach Wilson wasn't the skill level of Zach Haskins. Bonus fun fact: Who is the leading receiving yards leader in NFL history among players with the last name Wilson? You have to go all the way down to #222 on the list...Billy Wilson, who played in the 1950s and recorded 5,902 total yards.

### 10(10). RIPDab

* APT: 2-6
* L3: 0-3

Could really use a guy like Dallas Goedert this week.

## Matchup of the Week: A Rivalry Renewed

A game between these two has not been this big since the 2018 quarterfinals. It's Sweet Dee, 4th seed, vs. Papa's Posse, 6th seed. They have not met since December 12th, 2022. Nearly an entire year gone by since their week 14 showdown last season, when Papa handily defeated Dee on his way to 8 wins and an eventual Salty Dolphin trophy. This season, all they have done is score nearly the same amount of points (2598 to 2590). They have both started slow and come on strong. And they both could really use this win, but nobody more than Papa. A Papa win locks them into the playoffs (barring something insane like Papa scoring 150 and Idiots scoring 300 which isn't impossible but not likely enough to discuss).

Updated through 12/20/22

Most of this game is going to take place today, with both QBs going at it in the 4pm window. But Dee's Miami defense takes the stage against Tennessee, which is a plus matchup. That matchup also favors Raheem Mostert, who plays for Papa. If this game is close heading into MNF, it will be a nailbiter. Defense is the ultimate wild card and I think we can all agree perhaps the most excruciating last man up in a close game. You can game or lose points seemingly at any time.

## Conclusion

Hope everyone enjoys their last games. I can't believe it's already almost over, what a bummer.