Despacito

### Rewards

Half a doughnut (but I bit it off, not tore it off, sorry if that grosses you out)

**Despacito** is a flavoursome artificial cheese, the finest of its kind in all of Eastern Tennessee.

You can purchase your own Despacito for $24.50, but it's pretty expensive, and it's all good if you just share mine, as long as you return it soon. I'm a bit reluctant to lend anything to you at the moment though, mainly because I lent you fifteen bucks the other day, and you STILL haven't paid it back. Even though you're having a nice big bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes right now: pretty expensive, as I recall.

## Early History of Despacito Copprfield

Here, I will be discussing the history of Despacito, from his birth up until his unfortunate passing in the year 2020.

### Birth and Childhood

Despacito was born in a pond outside of a big London hospital in the year 1595. The pond was pretty murky and gross, but Despacito somehow emerged completely clean and happy. Despacito's birthdate also coincided with the release of the world's first burp: a tremendous feat, which happened in the small, little-known town of Minecraftcito in Sweden.

Despacito lived in Wales for the first seven years of its life. While there, it learnt to speak many languages from here and far: Jolly Old English, L'Italiano, Chinanese, Portugalese, Frencharoonie and even Hollandish!

At the age of five, DESPACITO founded a small army group composed of fellow children from the area, with a goal of eradicating simping for the next 420 years. This worked, with simping being completely wiped off of the face of the Earth for the next four hundred and twenty years. This only lasted for the aforementioned time, though: simping made a unfortunate return on its 421st anniversary in the terrible year of 2020.

### Flee To America

Despacito was doing alright in Wales, but he had long dreamed of leaving his village and travelling to every corner of the flat Earth. But at the same time, he had no intention to leave--until he did.

## Adulthood in America

### Settling in America

In late 1609, Despacito was being targeted mercilessly by the government, army and even the men and women of his small village, all of which were targeting him for his chosen religion. Despacito, wanting to live a goo life free of religious persecution, paid sixpence to join a small ship heading out to take settlers to the Thirteen Colonies, which we now know as the Great U. S. of A..

Despacito officially arrived in the British colony and now American state of Virginia. At the time of his arrival, there were only 350 other settlers in the land. However, he soon started a plantation, but unlike others, his plantation was just him picking cotton from two cotton plants, next to a shed, as well as digging the occasional grave for dead fellow settlers. He soon grew his plantation, remaining the employee but getting loads and loads more cotton plants.

He then, in the year 1645, left the Commonwealth of Virginia Colony for the Crown Colony of Massachusetts Bay, and lived in Boston, as a merchant, primarily of hats and gloves to help settlers be comfortable throughout the harsh American winters: if they could pay. Despacito is not a charity!

In the American Revoluionary War of Independence (1775-1783) a war fought by American settlers against the British for American independence. In this war Despacito became a military commander, and is credited by many historians as being the man who won the war for the Yanks. He later went on to regret this, as on the seventh-last day of the war before England's surrender, he stubbed his toe really badly, hurting him for the rest of his life. He went on to have it amputated with a saw in the year 1792, before retiring to a quiet life in the Tennessean countryside, as a cattle farmer.

## Why He's Famous

Despacito rose to fame in the year 1861, when he became President of the United States and led the Union USA and destroyed slavery across the USA, destroying the slave-holding Southerners and reuniting America. Pretty impressive, eh? During this time, he also went through a fashion change, adopting to wearing a fake mole and a super-cool top hat. He even had a dog by the name of Fido (1851-1865), a yellow mongrel dog, lovely little thing.

He also rose to fame once again in the year 2017, when he recorded his self-titled song, 'Despes alla Ciotola', which is mistakenly called Despacito by some; he deliberately did not want the song to bear his exact name, saying, "I did not want song to bear *il mio nome*, so I give different name to song, so paparazzi do not approach house, so they not come in, they not use toilet, they not make it overflow so Despacito not have to call plumber boy Mario to help", in an interview.

The lyrics to his song are as follows:

## Lyrics To "Despes alla Ciotola"

Here are the lyrics to his new song ***Despes alla Ciotola***:

Whoa brother, we're entering a new time

It's just now with all your slime

You are fat, you are small

Keep your business in mind

I'll smash your momma

Maybe that'll teach ya

I guess, I dunno

You're pretty weird-yo

And I hate how much you love the rodeo

It's unholy, it's weird, it's not very wholesome

Like, bro, it's no a WHOLESOME\_MEMES\_COMPILATION\_V51

And also, and also, some accents I hate

That dumb that the Britons alwys reurgitate

And the skateboards that headmasters will confiscate

And the butt implants your momma has

(But hates)

So yeah, bro, just admit it (yo)

You gotta be real with yourself for once (Oh!)

And digest a popsicle stick, maybe it'll make you better

But at the moment you'll be good never

You're as useful as a JPEG

to Helen Keller

But yeah, I guess nobody is perfect

Especialy not you, you fat, lazy pervert

You probaly can't even get through that skull

What's figurative and whats literal

Primary source? Secondary source?

Who even cares man? Its writen in MORSE!

Get a flipping life, and leave me out of it,

You're kinda weird, so fat you got man tits

I'm a visionary, but vision is scary

Almost as horrid as your fat hairy belly

And man, you gotta turn off your telly

Head outside, feel the light

Make your plight

At least do something good with your damned life

Don't just sit there in your parents' cellar

Just go eat your loser tomato, fella

It's all about the chips

You put inside

And it may be a N-95

But it looks like a fricking Dorito

And that's it

Back to you in the studio, Mr. Clive

Snap back to reality

OH

The humanity, yo

Your mum's vanity

Nah, more like mundanity

And all of that profanity

My dude, I thought you liked Christianity

But nah man, it's your volcanity

Your big plea of insanity

Thinkin' you're superhumanity

When in reality

It's just lesbianity

And you look a manitee, Dawg

So anyways, the rhyming of the same syllable's gotta stop

If it keeps on going, I'm just gonna drop

Down the floor

And smell it some more

Maybe even shove my entire hand in one of ya mom's pores

Before she enters into one of my stores

To buy one of them adult mags

Stuff a bunch into her bags

## Lipton Ice Tea

Despacito does not drink and drive. But when Despacito does drink while driving, he likes to drink Lipton® Ice Tea™. It is not alcoholic, but it does taste very good. All of the cool kids drink Lipton® Ice Tea™, right?

Wrong.

Lipton® Ice Tea™ is for virgin losers, for the overweight ones among us all. The only reason why Despacito decides to drink Lipton® Ice Tea™, is because he tried it once at a party and has since been addicted for the las twenty six and a half years. We hope he can overcome this addiction soon, poor guy. But in the meantime, Despacito is just going around to college campuses, trying to talk to kids about the dangers of Lipton® Ice Tea™ Addiction.

Thank you to Lipton Drinks Incorporated for sponsoring this article. Also, thank you to our other sponsor, 8-12 (not 7-Eleven, but rather 8-Twelve).

## Conclusion

In conclusion, Despacito's contribution to he world cannot be put into simply one article. That is why everything on this wiki is dedicated to Mister Despacito, and his inspirational acts cannot be understated. This wiki was actually going to be called "Despacito Wiki" but that name was sadly taken so we had to go with this crap. (My sincerest apologies for the SWEAR WORD of CR\*p)

Please, consider making a donation to My Mother Incoporated. She needs this donation after some random guy who I beat on Fortnuts told me he sexed her, and now we need to abort Le Foetus. Any donation is appreciated. Thanks.