Stone 56

**Chapter 56**

Weeks pass at the Big Stone Witch House. Richard learns that there are *"well over a hunded"* boys and young men training to become wizards. Richard is a sort of celebrity among them, and two of the boys, Kipp and Hersh, have become Richard's minions (the Robins to his Batman, if you will). They like playing practical jokes on the Nuns involving water and snakes, which never earns them anything worse than a scolding. Wow, these Nuns are way more easy-going than real-world nuns (according to people I know, anyway). We get the somewhat disturbing passage: *"Richard occasionally asked Kipp and Hersh to preform [sic] little errands, just to test them. He had plans for their talents."*

Richard learns that the other young men at the Big Stone Witch House spend a lot of their time in town, buying fancy clothes and so forth with the *unlimited supply of cash!!* provided by the Nuns. They also hook up with women, buying them trinkets with the **unlimited supply of cash!!** and then taking said women back to their rooms. Sometimes they go to prostitutes instead, when they don't feel like socialing and just want quick sex.

Richard, of course, is Morally Upright and does not avail himself of the girls. We learn that *"father sometimes brought their daughters to [the wizards-in-training],"* and that if any of the girls gets pregnant, the Big Stone Witch House will provide for her, and even her whole family. \~/\~/

I can't help but wonder how many young wizards the Nuns lose to STDs.

We learn through Ye Omniscient Narrative (not an actual narrator, thankfully) that the Nuns believe men have uncontrollable urges, and they are encouraged to vent them in the city so said urges don't interfere with their studies. My opinion of the Nuns, already low, drops noticably. Pasha tells Richard (still in the narrative) that she's forbidden to interfere with his HappyFunTime Sex Trips, but she begs him to come to her with his uncontrollable urges, or *"at least allow her to be one of the women he slept with."* Yep, full-blown obsession.

We're told that Richard is appalled, just as any Right-Thinking Hero must be, but he promises that he will approach Pasha if he has any uncontrollable urges. Pasha is thrilled with this, and doesn't even mind when Richard reminds her that he's not ready yet. We learn that Richard is occasionally so lonely that he thinks of taking Pasha up on her offer.

The above is, by the way, all conveyed to the reader pretty much the way I just conveyed it. This happened. Then that happened. Richard thought this. Pasha told Richard that. There's no actual dialogue, no emotion. This is a classic example of "show, don't tell;" it could have been interesting to see Richard wrestling with his attraction towards Pasha, and the strange culture he finds himself in. Instead, it's gotten out of the way quickly so we can get on with the...err...story.

Then again, that's probably a blessing.

Blah blah, Richard is impressed by the sea. Richard buys drinks for all the guards, and does whatever he can to find out about them. He focuses on the ones who guard the Prelate's compound and any other restricted areas, buying one guard (named Kevin because why the hell not) expensive chocolates for Kevin's girlfriend.

Okay, quick digression. It's specifically noted that Guard Kevin *"[can] ill afford [the chocolates] on his wages,"* and yet the Nuns hand an **INFINITE SUPPLY OF CASH!!!!** to each and every one of the 100+ wizards-in-training who study there. Why? **WHY???** \~/\~/

Blah blah, Richard hires hookers for some of the guards. o\_0 The other guards find out and complain, so Richard retains the services of *an entire brothel* specifically to service his guard buddies. This...I just...it's so *stupid.* \~/

Remind me again how Richard the Whoremonger is so morally superior?

Oh, but wait: *"Richard soothed his conscience about the morals of what he was doing by reminding himself that he couldn't change what people chose to do, and it might save him from having to kill the guards when the time came. In that light, it made sense."*

Point the First: That's some pretty flimsy rationalization.

Point the Second: Richard has been established as a celebrity and leader-type among the young wizards (and how I wish I was reading the Young Wizards series right about now). Maybe he could, I dunno, *set an example?* Maybe if Kipp and Hersh see him refusing to hire hookers, they'd be influenced to respect women as they grow up? But instead, they learn that it's not only acceptable, but *good* to pay women for sex. Women are sex objects. There's no emotion involved, no commitment, no responsibility.

Stupidity. \~/ Misogyny. \~/ Hypocrisy. \~/

We learn that there are Imperial Order guards around, but that they have some kind of arrangement with the Nuns and they never interfere with a Nun or a collared wizard-in-training. We also learn that people come to the Nuns asking for charity (no doubt having heard of the Nuns' inexhaustible supply of cash), intervention in disputes (so now the Nuns have legal authority?) or wisdom (**HA!**). We also learn that the city of Tanimura is *an outpost of [Europe], at the fringe of the empire."*

Richard learns that the Nuns have a *"special guest"* who never comes out. He also parades around in his Mister cloak to accustom the guards to seeing him in it, and starts testing them with minor requests. He asks to go into restricted areas to get a particular flower, or see the view from atop a wall, taking care to remain in sight of the guards and dull their sense of caution. Richard gives these flowers to the Nuns who teach him, saying that since the Nuns are special, he wanted them to have special flowers.

Why are there special flowers in the restricted areas, special enough that the Nuns recognize them on sight? And why, if they're in "restricted areas," aren't the Nuns bothered by Richard flagrantly violating the rules of the Big Stone Witch House in order to acquire them?

We get an infodump on the Nuns who teach Richard, of whom there are six. The first two are Tovi and Cecilia, who are older and grandmotherly and unimportant, to judge by the amount of information we receive on them.

Next are Merissa and Nicci...Nicci? How do I pronounce that? Nicky? Nissy? Neesy? Neechy? Nietzsche? Bleargh...anyway, Merissa and Nietzsche are smokin' hawt. They are described as *"the embodiment of pure, unadulterated lust"* (what, both of them?). \~/ They are so hawt that they reduce Richard to stammering or speechlessness. Richard doesn't give them flowers, because *"[a]nything less than priceless jewels seemed an insult."*

Physical beauty = personal worth. Remember that, boys and girls.

Although they don't fling themselves at him as Pasha did, Merissa and Nietzsche *"managed to somehow leave no doubt in Richard's mind that they were available to spend the night with him."* Yes, of course the two sex goddesses want Richard. Naturally.

Oh, and both Merissa and Nietzsche are *"[Richard's] age, or maybe at most a couple of years older."* Not that that gives us any clue as to their or Richard's **actual** ages.

Next is Armina, a *"mature woman"* who is also unimportant. Finally we have Liliana, who is plain and bony, but so friendly that her looks don't matter. She comes as close as any of the Nuns to being Richard's friend, except that Richard Has No Friends. He feels at ease with her, partly because she doesn't want to jump him and partly because she likes the country as he does.

*"Richard's lessons with the six Sisters took up at most two hours a day."*

\*blink blink\*

Two hours?

Wizard school is *two hours a day?*

That's...what, twenty minutes per Nun?

Huh. I would have expected it to be more like 8 to 12 hours per day...get up early, go to wizard school, take breaks for meals, do chores, and maybe have an hour or two free in the evening. Maybe a weekend. But, nope. Two hours a day is *plenty.* \~/

Moving on...Richard explores the countryside and discovers how far his collar will let him travel from the Big Stone Witch House, not that we're told the distance or anything. It's just *"a good number of miles."* How far is that? Five miles? Ten? Twenty?

On the same day that he discovers this information, Richard once again enters the Grove Woods and ends up killing another Mister. You know, the unstoppable, legendary magical monsters that have been slaughtering people without opposition for millenia. The creatures that *no one had ever killed* until Richard showed up. Here, let me quote the epic battle between Richard the Seeker and Mr. Mister, in its entirety:

*"The day he found his boundary, the limits of his prison, he went to the Hagen Woods, and killed a mriswith."*

Epic. \~/

We learn that Richard spends almost every night with Gratch. Richard learns (somehow \~/) that his Mister cape masks him from Pasha's Force: she can't find him when he's wearing it. This would seem to be a pretty big deal, given that Pasha is responsible for Richard's safety and good conduct, but she *"didn't seem too concerned,"* and so this never becomes an issue at all, in any way. \~/ In any case, this explains how the Misters are able to sneak up on wizards and Nuns, though it doesn't explain how Richard's Sue-powers could perceive it.

Richard is worried that Pasha will destroy his Mister cape if she ever finds out what it can do (wouldn't it make more sense to study it?) so he stashes another one. So now Richard has two cloaks of invisibility.

Richard and Moley go out on dates. They go out at night, 0\_o Richard reasoning that since Moley is agoraphobic, *"night would show him less of the landscape."* I know nothing about agoraphobia and therefore cannot comment on whether this is a good idea or not, but I do know that wandering around the countryside at night carries its own set of problems. For starters, you can't *see.*

Then...oh dear. *"Warren was nervous about being away from the safety of the palace, but was reassured by Richard's presence, and the way Richard never ridiculed his fears. Richard was always considerate, never taking Warren farther than he felt comfortable. Richard told him that it was just like after you were injured and had been laid up for a while: it took time to stretch old muscles."*

Warren is nervous about going out with Richard. At night. When no one can see them. \~/

But Richard reassures him! He's always *"considerate."* He never takes Warren farther than he feels comfortable with. \~/

Richard tells him it's just like stretching old muscles.\~/

Does...does this sound as suggestive to anyone else as it does to me? Because I'd put this up there with Eragon and Roran's infamous fireside scene in *Brisingr*.

In short order, we learn that Moley conquers his fears and is soon able to roam the countryside in full daylight. Then we get to the important stuff: what Moley's found out for Richard. Apparently, when the Ancient Wizards created the Towers of Perdition, they gave the BBM some sort of power, so that *"when the completing link was joined with this power invested in their spirt [sic] woman, the towers would fall."* What I want to know is, which group of Ancient Wizards did this? We were told back in *\*checks book\** Chapter 28 that wizards from *both sides* of the Wizard Wars built the Towers of DOOM. Did they both somehow agree that the BBM should have their lands back, countless millenia in the future? If not, which side did? And what happens to the towers built by the other side?

Gaah. Stupid made-up history.

After some pointless chatter, Moley infodumps that not all children of wizards are themselves wizards, and that the Ancient Wizards were jealous and stupid, and slaughtered novice wizards or refused to train them, so as to avoid having to share power (see my previous rant as to why this is stupid). This causes Richard to realize that the Nuns don't actually believe that "irresistable urges" crap, but rather are breeding wizards in the hopes of producing more wizards.

To be more specific, they're breeding up a crop of misogynistic, welfare-dependant wizards with highly skewed ideas of how the world works..

More chatter, and then Moley declares that there's no possible way Richard could have seen the Stone of Tears, since it's locked behind the veil. Furthermore, it's what keeps Satan trapped in Hell, and can only be removed through *"the gateway,"* by someone with both Plus Magic and Minus Magic. Richard somehow \~/ intuits that the gateway is the Three Boxes of Orden. Moley explains that the gateway has to be closed by a wizard, but if it's closed by one with only Plus Magic, Satan escapes anyway and it's game over. The only way to fix things is for a wizard with both Plus Magic and Minus Magic to close the Magic Box.

Moley doesn't know how the Crying Rock figures into the whole closing process. Richard tells him he'd better study fast, because the last time Richard saw the Magic Boxes, one was open. Moley faints.

Man, that felt like a long chapter.

Drinks: 17

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