283: One Does Not Simply Walk Into BoarDoor

## Summary

Terrified to find that his key fits the book's lock, Rosco surprises everyone by transforming into a boar and making a break for the door. However, the terrified animal can't find an exit and rampages wildly around the room while the party try to subdue him.

## Synopsis

Rosco gasps and looks up in terror at the rest of the party, before suddenly throwing the locked book at Will and turning to make a break for the door, casting *Expeditious Retreat* as he does so. Displaying lightning reactions, and before Rosco can really move, Will catches the book as he casts *Polymorph* on Rosco dog, turning him into a large box turtle. Will goes to put his foot on the turtle to stop it moving, not realising how effective the spell was (the turtle actually has no legs) but finds his misty-step-warping-ankle has in fact transported him to the other side of it.

Rosco hasn't got very far when Raphina whips her *Arcane Eye* at him like a yo-yo, smacking him with it. Startled and frustrated, he turns mid-dash and snarls at her. As he does so the snarl mutates from human to animal as Rosco transforms into a boar before their very eyes. Boar Rosco keeps running and barrels headfirst into the door, but isn't able to break it down. Boar Rosco turns around and paws the wooden floor menacingly.

Still not fully able to comprehend what's unfolding before him, Batthwack just steps in between the boar and Will. Will picks up the turtle and hoists it onto his hip, and with his other hand he points a finger at the turtle and *Prestidigitates* a threatening sparkle. In an attempt to de-escalate the situation, Raphina casts *Speak with Animals*, saying *"What's up? Why are you running away?"* *"Boar on the floor! Boar on the floor! Who am I, if not Rosco LaFleur?!"* comes the confused response. *"Hey, we don't care about the key. We don't care about the lock. Just calm down, okay? Everything's fine. Have you never been a boar before? You're certainly tearing up the floor, boar,"* implores Raphina.

Boar Rosco makes another bid for freedom, scrambling his front two hooves up onto the table by the window, but he's not able to get on top of it, and the table crashes down. Batthwack grapples Rosco around his midsection and Will casts *Eyebite* in an attempt to send Rosco to sleep. Will's eyes turn to purple sparkly voids as ominous shadows emerge from behind him, taking various muscular humanoid shapes as if goons are putting Rosco in a sleeper hold, but the tenacious creature won't submit.

Raphina calls out *"Don't make me cast a* Fog Cloud*! It's not going to help anything, but this is when I normally would,"* and you know she means it. In a moment of weakness Batthwack thinks she's chastising him, and releases Rosco from his grasp. Seeing that Rosco is completely unfazed, Raphina casts her spell and a 60-foot bank of fog swiftly rolls in, compressing itself into the small room.

## Quotes

* Alex: *"You're basically threatening... So you're escalating. I'm standing between you and the boar, and you're escalating."*

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Abby's most excellent pun. After Will fails to intimidate Rosco in boar form from leaving, Abby says: *"So the boar is still not out the door?"* Eric: *"No, it turned around."* Abby: *"One does not simply walk into BoarDoor."*
* Fred Flinstone Scrambling Sound Effect - https://youtu.be/Q92iSHIMCs8
* Esther the Wonder Pig Opens Doors - https://youtu.be/9cq8yABixIk
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: scintillating.

## Recap Song

*Main article: The Music of Pork Fried Dice*
This episode featured KT doing a recap to the tune of *Juice* by Lizzo:

*[Verse 1]*

Oh my, what's that on the wall?

Don't say it, 'cause you know it's poop (it's a poop room)

Mushroom drugs are in the air

We've got to fly this coop

Raa wants us to kill him now

His memory's hurting his head (Ow!)

So Will just cast a spell on Raa

to see his thoughts instead

Be careful Will

*[Pre-Chorus]*

If Raa's crazy he might make you lose your mind (Those owl fucks)

If you look inside, you don't know what you'll find (Ibish are gnomes)

Wish Will luck before he was brain data mined (What he roll?)

Ooh a natural 20, that's something we can get behind

*[Chorus]*

It ain't our fault if we find out all this stuff

You can blame it on our guff

Gotta blame it on our guff, baby

There it was, just a little bit gruff

Gotta blame it on our guff, blame it, blame it on our guff

Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee, Tivoli, ya-ya-ee

Blame it on our guff, blame it, blame it on our guff

Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee, twiggy tea, ya-ya-ee

Blame it on our guff, blame it, blame it on our guff

*[Verse 2]*

Now we got this story from Raa

He tries to kill us all (Ooh, baby)

Screaming like a lunatic

He throws a weird dark ball (Constitution save)

We get hurt and he screams that we're four keys, he said

Magic and hidden gods abound and oh shit bitch, no, he dead

Now a skill challenge and we are gonna shine (Out of this hole)

*Zone of Truth* is cast and Batthwack even mimed (Throwing gold)

Rosco even gives the wormy walls a climb (polymorph)

We don't drink chardonnay, it's only gin with lime

*[Chorus]*

It ain't our fault that we're gettin out of this scuff

It's 'cause Eric takes our guff

it's 'cause Eric takes our guff, baby

These skill checks aren't really all that tough

Are you gonna take that guff, Eric?

Gonna take that guff?

Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee, mustardy, ya-ya-ee

Blame it on our guff, baby, blame it on our guff

Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee, hearing dreams, ya-ya-ee

Blame it on our guff, baby, blame it on our guff

*[Bridge]*

Somebody come praise this man

I think he's a great motherfucking DM, what? A great DM, what?

He better get ready then

Because tonight's gonna be a lot of guff from friends, what?

Guff from friends

What you want me to say?

*[Chorus]*

It ain't our fault if we got a lot of guff

D&D can be real rough

Oh, and Batthwack is real buff, baby

Eric's patient so he'll never get enough

Never ever get enough

Of our ever present guff

Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee, what's Rudy? Ya-ya-ee

Blame it on our guff, blame it, blame it on our guff

Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee, vitamin cheese, ya-ya-ee

Blame it on our guff, blame it, blame it on our guff

## Gallery

*Main article: The Art of Pork Fried Dice*

## References

1. ↑ Notably, Adam explains *"And he's casting* Expeditious Retreat*, whether he knows it or not, Eric!"*