Undermining a Dracula

## Description

All that is to come has come before. All that is to come has come before. All that is to come has come before. All that is to come has come before. All that is to come has come before. All that is to come has come before. All that is to come has come before. All that is to come has come before. All that is to come has come before.

## Synopsis

Grimm Saltback has sealed the Dragon Friends in the stable of the Tattooed Man. Baston grabs a pry-bar from Jaxter and opens the crates left in the stable, releasing two Gibbering Mouthers, horrific twelve-mouthed monsters - one of which immediately spits blinding venom into his face. Bobby releases the horses in the stable, causing them to bolt, flinging the door open as they go. Philge pulls out Dilge's greatclub, and attempts to cast "spell number 2" on Grimm Saltback, which turns out to be *Expeditious Retreat* which speeds up Philge's movement, and she attempts to gather up the other Friends onto the hospital bed Lionshield brought. Bobby throws a vial of alchemist's fire at the Gibbering Mouthers, and Baston attacks Grimm as one of the Mouthers screams, frightening all of the Friends and causing them to flee the barn past Grimm and the band who slash at them as they go; as they do, Lionshield casts *Grease* on the doorway to prevent the band from following them - but also preventing Thomas Smedley from escaping.

Bobby examines the book he took from Smedley, but it appears to be some involved ritual description that he cannot understand; Bobby and Lionshield both try to burn the book, but it's unaffected by fire. The Friends decide to head to the one person in town they can still trust: Crawford the Pelican, at the fire station, but after realizing that it's a long way away they head to Hofferman House instead to lie low, where they meet Smiggins. Bobby starts to ask him if there's a graveyard in the town, and asks him to make drinks; Smiggins insists that they must pay for the drinks since they do not own the contents of the house, and Banknote's attempt to use his ~~credit card~~ magical family sigil to buy the drinks magically summons his father, Greatheart Banknote.

Lionshield is shocked, and all of the other Friends and Smiggins attempt to tattletale on Lionshield. Strongheart announces he is going to take Lionshield back home, but Lionshield begs for the chance to finish saving the world; Strongheart offers to come with them to keep an eye on Lionshield, but he has arranged a portal back to Rutherglen for 9 o'clock the following evening. Bobby suggests that that the only option to save the world at this time is to stop the real Strahd returning, and Lionshield suggests that they should find his body, which the cult mentioned is buried with his lover Patreena. Smedley explains that he knows the graveyard well, as he has visited it rather often, but Patreena would not be buried there as she died more than a thousand years ago and the graveyard has only been used for 500 years. Bobby consults the Hofferman Journal which reveals that the Carcosan graveyard used at that time was a feature called The Dragon's Back... which they conclude is likely now the site of the Dragonback Inn.

The Friends head back to the Dragonback Inn; Philge and Greatheart go to search the bank yard, while the remaining Friends sneak into the Inn, finding the place closed but the door strangely ajar. Searching behind the bar, they find that moving a book behind the bar causes a large portrait on the wall to slide out of the way, revealing a staircase leading downwards. Meanwhile, Philge is flirting with Greatheart in the back garden.

At the bottom of the stairs appears to be a rehearsal room for Grimm's band, but with a door leading into a passage through the sewers lined with crypts labelled in a language resembling Old Barovian. Baston begins trying to read the inscriptions, as screams start to sound from the town above, until he identifies a tomb labelled "Patreena, Rose of Carcosa." - with the doors broken and jammed open. Bobby sneaks into the room, revealing signs that the tomb has been disturbed and an oak-and-cedar coffin lies in the vestibule. Philge and Greatheart arrive from upstairs, and Bobby considers driving a stake through the coffin in case Strahd lies within. Bobby pulls the barbs off several crossbow bolts to serve as wooden stakes and hands them out to the Friends, and Bobby and Lionshield start to open the coffin, but a slow spell is cast on them as they do - revealing Grimm Saltback and the band, plus one of the Gibbering Mouthers, standing in the door behind them.

Two-Tone Tony attempts to attack Philge with an archaic syringe, as Grimm explains that - having killed Strahd previously - she is the "arch-rival" whose blood is needed to summon him. In a bizarre move, aided by Greatheart's leadership ability, Philge is able to persuade him that she has "used up all her blood", causing Tony to abandon the attempt and flee; Philge thumps Grimm with her hammer, knocking him backwards and ending the slowing spell, as Baston reveals the corpse of Strahd inside the coffin and begins stabbing it with the stake. Bobby casts *Mind Spike* on Grimm, psychically harming him, while Wolfman Jack grabs Philge and picks the syringe back up, plunging it into Philge's neck and taking three corn chips worth of her blood; he breaks the syringe in his hand, dropping the blood onto the corpse of Strahd, bringing him back to life.

"Well, well, fucking well. If it isn't me old mates the Dragon Cunts. Offy doofy, guys. You guys haven't been dead. (Bobby: Yes?) As you'll fuckin' know, it sucks, Bobby Pancakes. You with me? It's a new me, and gosh, can I just say I think I look fucking amazing. Might do a bit of light reading. What is this, David Baldalchi? Since you've been dead I've been getting into Audible.com.. but the point is, my little Dragon-Buddy-Boos.. did you know I've tried this before, guys? Did you know that? Did you know I've tried this particular trick before, every 100 years? D'you find that journal? You'd know now. Every 100 years I try this trick, get a coupl'a gates in, oh yea! The Brothers! That's nice, three, bang, none work.. one year, one fuckin' year 400 years ago I got to *The Burning* and it rained all fucking week! You know what I'm saying? Then about 200 years ago I got to the sixth gate, *The Returning*, the Dark Lord Returns, I thought that was simple, just mosey on into fuckin' town, so we got all the way there and it didn't work. And then I realized, not so long a fuckin' go, that it's not about returning *to town*, it's about returning *from death*. So, you know, when this fuckin' big green one the other day - I'm pretty old, it seemed like the other day, maybe a couple of years ago - managed to drive a stake through my chest, I thought, that's fuckin' interesting, and maybe that's it; I've gotta *return* from being dead. You know what I'm talking about, Bobby? You know that darkness! You know the dreams! Oi! Join me, cunt! They're not going to go away! That's not gonna stop! That being dead in the bottom of a well bullshit, you think you're gonna walk that off? You think you're going to jog that round the block? Join me! Think about it! It's an offer! Don't you see? Carcosa's got its claws on you, my friend. I can see it clear as day. You have two options, son o'mine; you already are the Dark Lady's thrall - those dream's haunt you till you die whatever happens tonight - but you have an option. You can live as a slave or as a king. The king's the better one by the way. Anyway. KILL THEM!.. (Who are you talking to?) Um.. I've been dead for a while. Sorry, I thought I had minions, I'm used to having minions, and there's no minions so that's fine. Yea, I mean honestly in the absense of anybody else - shut up, Grimm! - if he just kills fucking one of you, I don't give a shit.. it's gotta be one of the people you care about, that's how it works! Mate, you have no fucking idea what's coming now that I'm back. You could be very useful in the war that's on the bloody horizon. Just give one of them a 'lil stab like you normally do and we can call it quits."

Bobby refuses the offer and casts *Phantasmal Force* on Strahd, creating an illusion of Patreena. Strahd walks over and shatters the illusion, and Lionshield commands Bushu-D2 to use his grappling hook to steal the book Strahd is holding, which it successfully does. Strahd attempts to persuade *Bushu-D2* to turn against the Dragon Friends, which he seems prepared to do; Philge grabs the book from Bushu and uses her hammer's teleportation power to teleport back to the rehearsal room with it, where she attempts to destroy the book, but is unable to do so. Strahd begins to climb the stairs, the Friends chasing him as they go; Philge smashes the book with her hammer, damaging the book as Strahd arrives. Baston and Bobby both start trying to stab Strahd in the back with the stakes as Philge smashes the book again, smashing it to bits and causing a portal to Carcosa to open, sucking everything around it in (including Grimm Saltback and the band instruments); but Strahd transforms into a cloud of bats to escape. The Friends flee as the entire Dragonback Inn is consumed by the Carcosan portal, ripped it out of the city, but then proceeding no further; apparently preventing the full arrival of Carcosa and saving the world.

As the Friends lie outside the collapsed inn, Lecroix Pamplemousse comes across them. He informs them that since they were never really the dukes, they are banished forever from Daggerford and across the Sword Coast. He also shows a letter from the "Lord's Alliance" of the Sword Coast, revealing that Strahd has invited him to be the Duke of Carcosa. He advises the Friends to take a ship from the harbor of Waterdeep and go as far away as possible. Greatheart and Lionshield head for the Temple of Mystra to return to Rutherglen, and the remaniing Friends sadly head towards the harbor to travel wherever they can.

## Cast

### Dragon Friends

* Philge
* Bobby Pancakes
* Baston
* Li-Li Banknote

### NPCs

* Grimm Saltback and his band: Smokey Dave Paisley (lead guitar), Three-Tone Tony (bass guitarist, promoted since the last episode), and Wolfman Jack Who Is Actually A Wolfman
* Smiggins
* Greatheart Banknote
* Strahd von Zarovich

## Trivia

* The title of the episode was taken from the previous episode, which ended with a random audience member being asked to summarize the episode and mentioning ".. you guys were like, undermining a Dracula.."

## Quotes

* "Is she like, as fast at The Flash?" "No, she's twice as fast as a half-orc."
* "Because Baston's a monk he's gonna go real slow and like slow down his breathing and he's gonna meditate and he's gonna use his blind-fighting skill." "You're blind?" "Yea." "No, that's clever." "He.. I don't know whether to come clean with the fact he doesn't have that skill.."
* "Dave, in my list of items that I was allowed to have, one of them I wrote down which you haven't crossed off, unlike everything else, is a credit card."
* Banknote: "Philge, would you.." Philge: "I'm... um, I'm out the back with your dad..." (cheers)
* "Yea, me half-orc, me half-... just a girl. Um, sorry, Hing whispered 'half-horny' in my ear."
* "Any-fucking-where.. sound like.. a good place to go?"