Dave Thomas, Our Close Friend

**"Dave Thomas, Our Close Friend"** is the thirty-first episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Hayes and Sean weigh in on the Donald Sterling controversy with insights into their own relationship with him, privacy, and Shakespeare. Then, friend DAVE THOMAS comes by to reminisce with the boys on the old days, Bob Hope, SCTV, and the Chateau Marmont. Then, the Popcorn Gallery is back and they go into such fun topics as wearing condoms, bear safety, spooky skellingtons, Cheech, and more!

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Hayes over the theme: "So, Hillel.. uh, Slovak is like 'Uh, what did you think of the song?' and he's like 'The song is great, the song is really good. But it shouldn't be 'Fight Like a Brave Guy,' it should just be 'Fight Like a Brave,' and then you, *you* figure out that it's 'guy.''
* Sean and Hayes are big sports-heads when somebody is doing a sport that they like, they'll give them encouragement. They have done it in the past with Donald Sterling. The have a lot in common: sit close to his seats at the games, Keep their planes in the same plane house, hung out at each other's places. Best friends? If they're best friends, Sean has 13 best friends. Best Man does not mean best friends, he's good at organization for Bachelor Party's and stuff
* Sean's brother's death was an accident! They were in Hawaii and he had been sleeping with his girlfriend and fell off a cliff
* What Donald Sterling said was. Not. Good. At. All. Ugly, ugly words!
* BUT.... at the same time.. you think about the slippery slope, the stuff that people say in the privacy of their home. Where's the line? Maybe a conversation he's having with his other friends, and they're doing impressions of what black people sound like when they're mad or an owner of a Korean nail salon "Why you no want long nail," "That's why you no have boyfriend, because you no have long nail." Everyone was just having *fun* plus these impressions were based off something real!
* If we're not talking about Donald Sterling owning a basketball team, let's talk about Sean owning a hamburger sandwich he wants to eat for his lunchtime. He gets a call from his black Mexican lover that he or she recorded some of his thoughts because he's been getting pretty forgetful lately. And in the course of that conversation, they have an exchange where Sean says something that a lot people don't agree with: who can swim/can't swim, or that Shakespeare didn't write those plays! Now, can you come and take his hamburger sandwich and eat it in front of him? Resell it to someone else? Even if they pay you twice or a hundred times what you paid for it. The money doesn't matter, you're hungry! "I llooove hamburger sandwich."
* At what point does this transfer to thought crime? When can't you think that someone can't swim good or write something that they say they did. Just like *Animal Farm* and how they did the pigs. Horse got killed get put to a big glue factory. They chopped him all up! He didn't do anything wrong! (blech). Is Donald Sterling like this?
* Hayes thought Ray Fiennes gave such a winning performance in *Grand Budapest Hotel*. If you said something against this, it would be just as bad as Donald Sterling

### Guest Segment

* Sean over the theme: "So, the lights flick on, she jumps out of the cake like, 'Surpriiiise!' and I go 'The only surprise, Melissa.. Etheridge, is that you think you're welcome in my home.' and I roll the cake down the stairs, and you hear it falling all the way down. And she died." "Happy birthday, by the way." "Oh, forget it."
* Hayes and Sean brought Dave Thomas in who has been doing showbiz as long as they had. All the stuff they've been through!
* Dave is in semi-retirement, meaning he's been doing hour television. It's old Hollywood, man! He wants to get his share of that loot before they're gone.
* Dave's motivation is 98% grabbing the cash before he takes off out the door, 1% altruism, and 1% art
* So much of this industry is about having a big ol' pile of doughseph. You can buy lots of stuff, but also people. And girls!
* Hayes and Sean know Dave from their time in the Canadian comedy scene with Gordie Howe, one of the funniest guys. The only guy that could do Gary Cooper back then! He had it, inhabited him! Dave and Gordie still talk, does celebrity golf fund raisers and Dave shows up to heckle him and remind him he made a mistake getting out of show business
* Dave does his signature bit of treating someone in the room (Engineer Sam) like they are of substance when we all kind of know they're uh.. It still plays! He called the waiters at the Friar's Club 'Barney' no matter what.
* Discussion of the bathroom at the Friar's Club, which smelled like old people's poop. He'd sit in there with John Boehner. His old evangelist bit? He got it shut down because of this
* The industry has changed. Guys like Joel Silver, producer of *Lethal Weapon*, has a Frank Lloyd Wright house here and a Frank Lloyd Wright house in North Carolina. Frank is soo funny, the ma
* ster of deadpan. Joel got the art department for *Lethal Weapon,* spent 2 million dollars out of the budget of the movie to fix his house! The studio brought him in, said "Don't do that again. What's your next movie, Joel!?" You used to be able to commit crimes!
* Bob Hope had girlfriends, he didn't have a lot of money, but his girls were legendary. Miss America. One of the funniest. Gave Gordie a run for his money, back in the clubs! He'd pretend to like the troops, making fun of soldiers
* There's nothing to make fun of nowadays, what're ya going to make fun of, the economy? It's already a joke. Thank you, Herr Obama. Dave: "Yavol!" Sean: "Achtung, baby! You guys listen to *You Talkin' U2 to Me*?" Hayes: "They don't know what that is.."
* In the SCTV days, Dave admits that he was the least talented of all the cast! This business is about relationships, not talent. Cashin' a check, sittin' at Sardi's. He had it destroyed too. He benefited from being last in the credits, so they'd build to it, and he agreed to announce the shows to give his own name a flourish.
* If you're coming to Hollywood, put a Z on front of your name! You've never heard of people whose names start with A. Or even C! Not James Cromwell, who has been on the show (*his episode featured in the Best-of Compilation of Ep. #014 - Brian Huskey, Our Close Friend*).
* Cromwell had his tibias lengthened so he could play the president. No one likes a short president! And Martin Sheen's tibias? Those gams, those getaway sticks, aye yi yi! His desk for *The West Wing* had to appear very odd as a result.
* Sean and Hayes do the show to help people and help dogs. It's a sort of high. This kind of high won't lead you into being a Hollywood tragedies. Sean doesn't shoot in his arm, in between his toes or sticks it in his ass.
* They pulled more than one body out of the Château Marmont. If you didn't die there, you're *bullshit*. Dave went there to do stand-up at lunch so that he could metaphorically die. Sean was on a plane that was going to crash, and he asked the pilot to steer towards the château. He was able to stop the crash, natch. Dave mentions the understated heroism for saving 293 lives (the Polyphonic Spree was on the plane), embarrassing Sean
* Dave wants to leave because Sean and Hayes are so good they don't need him!
* Sean may have taken some per die-ms early in his career, the Shanghai/Czech stuff he did in Formosa. He wanted the dictator character he played *likeable*. He was a klutz, he had some heart.
* Dave is thinking of making a comedy Zorro reboot after meeting Cheech at a party, with both Sean and Hayes playing the titular role. Zorro 2.0! Two guys on one horse!

## Recurring Segments

* Popcorn Gallery - (Dave totally gets the segment!! FINALLY. You don't really *need* the Popcorn Gallery (the audience) to enjoy the experience of the show. They decide to do the segment but just talk about how unimportant it is)
	1. rygel - "Dave, you are a renowned Hollywood Lothario, second only to Warren Beatty in your women-slayin exploits. Walk us through your famous decision, reportedly back on the set of *Grace Under Fire*, to never ever wear a condom."
		+ He was working with a co-star from that show who was from Alabama, saying "If there's no danger, it ain't sex. Ya know'm sayin', sweetie?" he thought 'Goddammit, I'm going to get rid of this rubber, and I'm gonna ride.' And that's what he did. Along with keeping a loaded gun next to the bed.
	2. Joe McGurl (as 'Washington Monugent') - "Dave Thomas: You were in the animated feelms Brother Bear and Brother Bear 2. Was it scary working with the bears?"
		+ Horrifying. So much danger involved in doing animated films. Moranis and him escaped by the skin of their teeth on at least three occasions, left headless! He also played a villain in *Legion of Justice*, Superman tried to punch his head off.
	3. OcterDoctopus - "Dave, you recently had a guest appearance on the Fox series, *Bones*. Was it scary being surrounded by so many skellingtons on the set? Were you tempted to rearrange them into a xylophone so maybe a pirate ghost could play it? "
		+ This is a trick question, him calling them 'skellingtons' lets Dave know he knew more than what he's saying. A skellington is infinitely more scary than a skeleton. Ah going to a graveyard and getting a skeleton and putting them on the set? No. They make these skellingtons and they're scary as hell and they have the ability to *kill* you! People on *Bones* need danger pay for this. A per *DIE-m*. Something you get if you're willing to give your life for the show, something Dave won't do because he's not a sucker. But it *is* a nice chunk of chang.
* Pro Version - Rygel - Dave Thomas is going to give you one of the lines from one of Zorro's friends: "I don't know who you are! I need to see, some identification."

## Recurring Jokes

* Sean's Dad - Donald Sterling has hung out at Sean's Dad's house in his basement apartment
* Wife and Kids - Donald Sterling was the Best Man and Sean and Steffi's wedding because Sean's brother died. Donald is the godfather of Sean's kids, doesn't mean they're best friends
* Hamburger Sandwich - If we're not talking about Donald Sterling owning a basketball team, let's talk about Sean owning a hamburger sandwich he wants to eat for his lunchtime. He gets a call from his black Mexican lover that he or she recorded some of his thoughts because he's been getting pretty forgetful lately. And in the course of that conversation, they have an exchange where Sean says something that a lot people don't agree with: who can swim/can't swim, or that Shakespeare didn't write those plays! Now, can you come and take his hamburger sandwich and eat it in front of him?
* Shakespeare - he didn't write those plays! It was that Earl. Queen Elizabeth was too sexist to admit that. If you'd seen *Anonymous*, you'd know.
* Too Scary - In *Animal Farm,* horse got killed get put to a big glue factory. They chopped him all up! He didn't do anything wrong! (blech). Superman trying to punch your head off as a villain and the dangers of doing animated feelms is very scary
* Speak on That - Dave is asked to speak on the bathroom at the Friar's Club which smelled like a geriatric hospital. On how things used to happen at the Château Marmont. On per die-ms. Sean is asked to speak on how he got paid more than the star in his dictator role in his Shanghai/Czech television.
* Scoop Troop
	+ There are two things you don't want in this business:
		1. You don't want to hang around with failures!
		2. You don't want to smell old poop!
	+ There's nothing wrong with shooting in your ass.

* Coo coo - The way Frank Lloyd Wright puts water on house? What is he, k'bonkos nuts or somethin?
* Politics - There's nothing to make fun of nowadays, what're ya going to make fun of, the economy? It's already a joke. Thank you, Herr Obama. "Yavol!" "Achtung, baby!"
* Show Won't Take a Stance - Doesn't want to talk about Martin Sheen's alleged femur lengthening surgery
* Comic Books - He played a villain in *Legion of Justice*, Superman tried to punch his head off

## Ads

* www.podsurvey.com/hollywood
* Happy Mother's Day to Earwolf CEO Adam Sachs's lovely wife Molly, a big fan of HH! Mother to their wonderful son Bram, who is like a vampire man or a broom. She puts bows in his hair to upset Adam, Hayes and Sean are worried this will make Bram into a Japanophile.

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, Dave Thomas, Sean ClementsHayes, Sean, and Dave Thomas in the studioDave Thomas making Hayes and Sean buss' upDave Thomas making Hayes crack his whole shit upHayes and Sean bussin' up