Kit-Kat

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With the flapping of a goalie's legs, he can change the world.

Christopher "Kit-Kat" Katynski, born January 28, 1993, is a senior at Wankston University, where he double majors in Beer & Brewing and Taking Jokes Too Far. He is the starting goaltender for the school's varsity co-ed ice hockey team, the Wankston Wangers.

## Background & Early Life

American by birth and Czech-Polish by heritage, Kit spent the early years of his life in Sonoma County, California before moving with his family to a log cabin on the Alsea River in western Oregon. He has two younger sisters, Cecilia (born July 20, 1996) and Ema (born September 3, 1997).

He took up skating as a small child at the Charles Schultz Memorial Rink (also known as Snoopy's Home Ice). At first, he attended public skate with his mother, Anielka, who won the Northern California Regional Girls' Figure Skating Championships in 1974. His aptitude for hockey soon became apparent and, though he was initially placed in goal because of his weight (heavy) and endurance (poor, due to a congenital heart condition that healed itself by his seventh birthday), he dominated in the crease.

Kit-Kat played in local peewee and junior leagues throughout his childhood. When his father Pavel (Paul) lost his job in 2006, the family moved to Paul's parent's house in the backwoods of Oregon. Anielka took a job as a career counselor at Oregon State University and Paul dedicated himself to fishing in the river behind their cabin. He sold some of his catch at the weekly farmer's market under the label Fishy Katynski, somehow still turning a profit despite the terrible name. Kit-Kat joined his local rec hockey team, again playing goaltender.

In high school, Kit-Kat boasted the second highest number of shutouts in the state over all four years of play and broke the top ten in save percentage after his freshman year.

## Wankston University

Kit-Kat enrolled in Wankston as a freshman in the 2011-2012 school year and became starting goalie for the Wangers the same year. He initially declared as a philosphy and bioethics major but switched to beer and brewing in his sophomore year. He cites his years in the log cabin for the switch, plus his summer spent WWOOFing in Ireland and the Czech Republic after his freshman year. "Beer is really different over there," he told the Wankston Wanker in a student-athelete profile, "Culturally, y'know, it's way more important. And it's political, too. Brewing and national identity inform each other a lot, actually." When asked what he wants to do with his degree, Kit-Kat replied, "I want to bring ale to America. We have some decent Pilsners but try to find a nice, aromatic ale that isn't beaten to death with hops? Good luck."

Though Kit-Kat is on track to graduate at the end of the 2014-2015 school year, he plans on staying around to take more classes, finish his undergraduate thesis on yeast hybridization in craft brewing, and continue to keep pucks out of the Wangers' goal.

## Role on the Team

With Jelly Bean, Kit-Kat is one of the team's so-called grandparents. During practice, he often waves his goalie stick like a cane, telling forwards and their pucks to "get off [his] ice lawn". He's known to unnerve forwards with his philosophical ramblings during games.

During playoffs, Kit-Kat grows a beard with Wookie in solidarity for Cursey, who can only grow a sad smattering of stubble. He tends to have a beard anyway, but he lets it grow out for playoff runs. Most of the pictures of him show at least one flower braided into his facial hair.

Kit-Kat is a hybrid goaltender with a slant towards butterfly. He's been interviewed several times about the height bias in professional hockey precluding recruitment of short goalies. "We don't have to be all over the net all the time," he's quoted as saying, "We just need to be wherever the puck is."

Along with former roommate and team PR manager Mads, Kit hosted a portion of the frog initiation ceremony from 2012-2014.

## Personal Life

During his summer abroad, Kit-Kat met up with Terror and Finger, a left winger and defenseman (respectively) for Wankston's sister-school and sports rival Memerton University. The three went on an epic tear through the city of Prague, culminating in their joint break-in to the Tipsport Arena, home to Prague's Extraliga team Sparta Praha. The three borrowed skates from a house party they'd been attending in Praha 4 before taking a late-night tram to Praha 7 and picking the lock on the rink's back door. They got a solid hour of skating in before arena guards showed up and they were forced to hide in Sparta Praha's locker room.

Kit-Kat has shared a room with Wangers Public Relations team member Mads since their freshman year at Wankston. He recently moved off-campus to an apartment colloquailly referred to as the Haunted Mansion with teammates Jelly Bean and Cursey. The three can often be found in their room, talking philosophy, the history of knowledge, and body modification. Along with Cursey, Kit-Kat held Jelly Bean's hand when she got her first tattoo. The trio is polyamorous together, referring to themselves as "Hallow3en" as a reference both to the name of their apartment and the fact that Cursey was born on Halloween while both Kit-Kat and Jelly Bean have candy nicknames.

## Trivia

Pregame Ritual: casting practice at the school pond or from the nosebleed seats at the rink.

Puck Weirdness: Kit-Kat is rumored to have puck-repellant powers, though possessing such a skill would be illegal in league play (see below).

Quirky Goalie Trait: Psyching-out opponnents by making them doubt their very existence.

Kit-Kat wears number 28 for his birthday and the number of days in a lunar month.

Katynski is a misspelling of "Katynska." The spelling was changed when Kit-Kat's great grandfather came through Ellis Island.

For his senior brewing practicum, Kit-Kat used ice shavings collected from a season's worth of home games in his beer. Not only was the beer reported to taste like "victory," but it's said that a hockey puck dropped into the vat levitated above the brew instead of sinking or floating on the surface.

Kit-Kat has at least three tattoos: a crest of barley on the side of his left shoulder, a centipede crawling along the outside edge of his right foot, and a double-tailed lion on a lime branch with the phrase "Pravda vitezi" (translation: "truth prevails") over his heart.