S01E01: They're Pine, Nuts with Klaus Kendall (Paul F. Tompkins)

####  **Synopsis**

In the pilot episode of Hamilton High School's first, best, and only podcast hosted by teachers tackling issues about the Hamilton community, Mr. Cravy, Mr. Levi's, Mr. Padre, and Mr. Weatherman discuss some pet peeves, the perils of boogie boarding, and Mr Levi's announces his mayoral campaign. Then, shop teacher Klaus Kendall (Paul F. Tompkins) comes by to share his deep respect for wood and hatred of animals.

#### **Notes**

##### **Bill Cravy**

* Over the summer, Mr. Cravy travelled down to New Smyrna Beach, Florida with his wife to go boogie boarding. His chest is very beaten up and he's wearing a neck brace which is a result of "being raw", a term used by boogie boarders to describe their haggard physiques, a signifier that they've had a good time.
* As opposed to wearing a rash guard to protect his sensitive skin, Mr. Cravy wears a 'rash-creator', also know as a 'sandy shirt', which he is trying to get a patent for.
* In order to get his team in shape before the new season, Mr. Cravy had his poorly performing men's basketball team 'running suicides' throughout the summer while he vactioned down at New Smyrna. Although some of the team did eventually leave, Mr. Cravy found that half of them were still running laps when he returned to school
* The reason Bill's team may be performing so poorly is that, by his own admission, he has been focussing their training on the wrong areas, choosing to first master running, staying in shape, moving from side to side and jumping before, for example, shooting or passing. In fact, balls are strictly forbidden from practice sessions as they do not feature in the first part of the five-year plan Mr. Cravy has devised for his team. According to the plan, if the players begin their training as freshmen, they will be sophmores before they are allowed to even hold a ball.
* Rumours abound that, during the last basketball season, Mr. Cravy sprung a gas leak in the opposition team's locker room and, in fact, he has openly admitted to sabotaging the gas system, with the intention of giving his poorly performing team a much needed advantage.
* So far, Mr. Cravy's team has only won one game and that was due to the aforementioned gas leak which he sprung in his opponent's locker room. The opposition team all had to be taken to the hospital at half time but, with the game poised at 42-28, Hamilton decided to play another quarter without an opposition and ended up conceding 13 points as they kept putting the ball in their own net. Despite this minor hiccup, Hamilton finished the match with a narrow 42-41 victory.

* Mr. Cravy's 15 year-old daughter has signed his neck brace but, due to her poor handwriting, it closely resembles a swastika. Todd raises the point that, due to her age, this demonstrates that she is either illiterate or a bold racist, with Mr. Cravy hoping for the former.

##### **Howard Levi's**

* Howard used the summer break to file the paperwork for his mayoral bid (his family are all opposed to the idea of him running for office). Mr. Levi's will be running on the following platforms:
	+ *No driving after 18:30 so everyone can go for walks at night in the middle of the road*
	+ *More people driving before 18:30 so congestion is increased which will slow cars down and stop pedestrians from being hit.*
* ​Howard admits that he is pursuing these policies for selfish reasons, due to the fact he has constantly been hit by cars throughout his life, but will think about pursuing schemes for other people, such as opening up a post office once he is elected. He suggests putting out the supermarket fire that has been burning for several years, but is reminded by his fellow teachers that this is Hamilton's most popular tourist attraction as it has the best tri-tip in the state.

##### **Todd Padre**

* Sadly, Todd continues to remain divorced from his wife Leslie and has been forced to leave his house. It is for this reason that he is particularly excited that Mr. Cravy has brought a pull-out couch in to the Teacher's Lounge.
* Inspired by the Thomas Jane show 'Hung', Todd spent several weeks camping outside his own front door in the hope that he would eventually be let back in (he was not). After his attempts to re-enter the house were unsuccessful, Todd surprisingly found himself spending much of the summer at the Young Women's Christian Association (YWCA), perhaps mistaking it for the Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA).
* Todd is writing and directing a six-hour, one-man play about his life in the style of Angels in America.
* Todd's children are cash poor but asset rich, as they own a substantial amount of land. Despite this, they do not own cell phones. Todd seems relatively unphased that his 10-year old daughter, Mary, is being conned by a real estate agent who plans to take her land.
* We learn that Todd's brother was an alcoholic and, vowing as a child to never become an alcoholic himself, Todd took to drinking paint. He has a severely 'sucked in' belly from the years of substance abuse.
* Todd himself is father to cash-poor children, who do own a fair amount of land, but he refuses to give them any money.

##### **Sam Weatherman**

* Mr. Weatherman  reveals that he had planned to take a vacation over the summer and had gone as far as packing his suitcase when, just as he was about to leave, he remembered he could not drive as his licence had been suspended for multiple counts of gross vehicular negligence, including trying to drive from the backseat. Understandably, Todd queries how someone with a motoring ban is allowed to teach children how to drive.
* During the new segment, Pet Peeves, we learn that Sam often hides under a blanket in the back seat of his students' cars in order to gain information and a fresh perspective on their motoring style. He is surprised to here that most people would consider this spying and thinks of it more as 'observing'.
* Sam has a different car at home, the gym, school and various other spots around Hamilton as he is constantly buying new cars, forgetting that he can't drive them and abandoning them rather than selling them on. He comes from money so is able to afford this extravagance.

##### **Klaus Kendall**

* Klaus Kendall (Paul F. Tompkins) is the Shop teacher at Hamilton High School. He never takes off his safety glasses and requires his students to say a prayer before working with any wood. He has also been known to eat wooden food, such as “balsabaisse” and pine nuts (pine whittled down to acorn-sized chunks), which he brings in to share with his students. Unbeknownst to the class, they are currently working on building a church for Mr. Kendall's druidic sect.
* Mr. Kendall built his own house, including the foundation, entirely out of wood. Many of Mr. Kendall's neighbours have complained that the house is a “tinderbox” that could catch on fire at any moment.
* Mr. Kendall is also the founder of a nature-worshipping church of reformed druids that currently has 10 members. Many of the church’s rituals require the members to be nude, but they do sometimes wear cloaks. However, Mr. Kendall's “cloak” is more of a short, brown, cloak-colored shirt that doesn’t cover his genitals, because he can’t afford a real cloak on a teacher’s salary. He has requested that anyone at the school donate any spare brown clothing that goes past the thighs.
* Klaus reveals that Liz Hurley, Josh Malina, David Faustino and Kate Middleton are all famous druids.
* Despite his worship of nature, Mr. Kendall has a profound hatred of animals, as he believes that they are unnecessary when people and plants exist. He will even goes so far as to insult meat before eating it. Conversely, he will thank Mother Gaia for wood before he eats that.

##### **General**

* The first episode takes place in the new, state-of-the art Philip Harrison Memorial AV room (also know as the Hamilton High School AV Media Laboratory) which Mr. Levi's paid for with a "mess load of grant money".
* The 2,000 students at Hamilton High School are advised by the teachers to descend upon Miss Holloway's class, where, from noon on Friday, prom tickets will be on sale.
* This episode marks the first appearance of the famous Teacher's Lounge sign-off, "Stay flippy!".

#### **Segments**

##### **Pet Peeves**

"The segment where we talk about those things that get on our nerves as teachers".

* **Howard** is unhappy that his kids start giggling when he talks about the human anatomy, in particular penises and vaginas. To make them less scary, Howard creates characters out of the genitalia by calling them Mr Penis and Miss Vagina and drawing faces on them. Unfortunately, this has done little to prevent his students from finding them amusing.
* **Sam**is frustrated that when he tries to 'break it down' and get close to his kids, they say "Eww, back off!", "Eww, get out of here!" and "Eww, get away from my car!".
* **Todd** is annoyed that his students aren't happy about performing in a 6-hour, one-man play about his life.
* **Bill** is tired of his students raising their hands and saying "Mr. Cravy, you teach Spanish but you only know one word in Spanish and that's *baño*".
* It's noted that all these pet peeves relate to things the teachers' students are unhappy with them about.

##### **The Cafeteria Critic**

Hidden under Bill's wife's $320 Pendleton blanket is a protein, a starch, a fruit/vegetable, a beverage and a dessert, all of which are available from the Hamilton High School cafeteria. In order to preserve their anonymity, all the food/drink is painted in Gilman's 'Forest Green' paint (they would've got more colours but the paint was too expensive). The participant, in this case Klaus Kendall , must take a bite/drink of each item and correctly guess its identity. Mid-way through the segment, Bill remarks that he has a blindfold on his head, which he started using after getting lots of sand and water in his eyes down at New Smyrna, and, rather than painting everything green, it would perhaps have been easier just to cover Klaus's eyes.

* **Protein:** Klaus bites in to something he believes resembles a Salisbury steak but, when biting in to it, he is distracted by the strong taste of paint obscuring the item's taste and finds it tough and hard to swallow (also because of the paint). He correctly guesses it is a ***Salisbury steak*** and remarks that "If you're not going to cover it in paint, it's probably fine".
* **Starch:** Klaus next takes a bite of something resembling a tater tot but, once again, he is thrown off by the strong taste of paint. "I can sense a little potato in there" he says "but I'm mostly getting a paint aftertaste". At this stage it's 2/2 as Klaus guesses correctly again with ***tater tots***.
* **Fruit/vegetable:**Klaus guesses correctly again with ***green beans***, now painted forest green, but, not being a fan of them in the first place, he does not find that paint has done anything to improve their taste.
* **Beverage:** Suspiciously, the top of this drink has to be forced open with a screwdriver and has a wide mouth and handle. Klaus incorrectly guesses that this is a kale smoothie when, in fact, it is a ***pot of paint**.*On his way to school,Mr. Padre accidentally swapped the paint with a bottle of Mountain Dew, as he is addicted to paint and was hoping to drink it.

#### **Characters Mentioned**

* Bill Cravy's Daughter
* Leslie Padre
* Luke
* Mary Padre (and her cash-poor siblings)
* Miss Holloway
* Mr. Thompson
* Philip Harison

#### **Quotes**

*"We've all seen red and done something we regret for the rest of our lives." - Todd Padre*

*You know how they say, "Those who can't do, teach"? I can't drive." - Sam Weatherman*

* Next episode

* Back to Season 1