Episode 51 - Live At The European Barn Doors And Gates Expo

Dave Cribb, Mike Wozniak, Nadia Kamil and Mike Bubbins join us for this live episode, recorded at this year's European Barn Doors And Gates Expo.

## Characters

* The Host
* Bob Trescothick
* Samuel Renouf
* Eli Roberts

Mrs Sycamore (letters)

## Actors

* Benjamin Partridge
* Dave Cribb
* Mike Wozniak
* Nadia Kamil
* Mike Bubbins

## Lyrics

### Where Would We Be Without Doors

Where would be we be without doors?

Just 4 walls, a roof and a floor

No way in or out

Without them about

There is no in or outdoors

When one door closes another one opens

Because I got my barn doors fitted cheaply

When one door closes another one opens

I wish I'd bought from a reputable seller

Where would we be without doors?

Just 4 walls, a roof and a floor

No way in or out

Without them about

There is no in or outdoors

When God closes a door he opens a window

Because he's gone for a shit

When god closes a door he opens a window

I'd give it 5 minutes if I was you

Where would we be without doors?

Just 4 walls, a roof and a floor

No way in or out

Without them about

There is no in or outdoors

In or outdoors

### Before the Slaughter

Before the slaughter everything was fine

Before the slaughter all I had on my hands was time

Before the slaughter everything was fine

Before the slaughter all I had on my hands was time

[Spoken]

*Dear Mr and Mrs Roberts*

*This term Eli has been a model student and a pleasure to teach*

*He's the politest, loveliest 7 year old I've ever taught and I hope you are proud of him*

*Yours, Mrs Sycamore*

Before the slaughter everything was fine

Before the slaughter all I had on my hands was time

[Spoken]

*Dear Mr and Mrs Roberts*

*I'm writing to inform you that Eli has had another wonderful term*

*To reward him for his impeccable behaviour and hard work we would like to tell Eli that he may take the class pet - Boggles the guinea pig - home with him for the holidays*

*Please let us know if this is acceptable*

*Yours, Mrs Sycamore*

Before the slaughter everything was fine

Before the slaughter all I had on my hands was time

[Spoken]

*Dear Mr and Mrs Roberts*

*We are two weeks into the new term and every day Eli has claimed to have forgotten to bring in Boggles.*

*Please remind him to do so*

*Thank you, Mrs Sycamore*

Before the slaughter everything was fine

Before the slaughter all I had on my hands was time

[Spoken]

*Dear Mr and Mrs Roberts*

*As I sit here in my classroom marking work Eli is outside, staring at me through the window.*

*And, well, he's just torn the head off a jackdaw and is wearing what is left of Boggles as a hand puppet.*

*Thank God it is the end of the school year, I hope during the school holidays you will do something to stop this behaviour*

*Oh Boggles, I'm so sorry, what did I do?*

Before the slaughter everything was fine

Before the slaughter all I had on my hands was time

[Spoken]

*Dear Mr and Mrs Roberts*

*I'm currently on holiday in Spain after a hard year*

*Look, I think Eli is here*

*He threw a searing hot paella at me earlier and is currently eyeballing me from the surf wearing a jellyfish as a hat*

*Please, help!*

Before the slaughter everything was fine

Before the slaughter all I had on my hands was time

[Spoken]

*Mr and Mrs Roberts*

*He's now outside my hotel room*

*He's chanting "Boggles, Boggles" and pushing crabs under the door*

*I don't know why I'm writing you a letter, this will take days to arrive*

*I just don't what else to do, Eli please stop!*

Before the slaughter everything was fine

Before the slaughter all I had on my hands was time

[Spoken]

*Please! He's got through the door*

*Oh god, he's on my...*

*He's dressed as Boggles!*

*He's a giant Boggles, why Eli, why!*

*What do you want from me?!*

(Screams)

Before the slaughter everything was fine

Before the slaughter all I had on my hands was time

Before the slaughter everything was fine

Before the slaughter all I had on my hands was time

### I Submit Myself to Eli

I submit myself to Eli,

Unto him I pledge my whole.

I shall not desert him when he needs me,

Like his megachurch in Seoul.

All hail Eli! All hail Eli!

Or he’ll set my head on fire, (head on fire!)

Or he’ll set my head on fire.

I submit myself to Eli,

Unto him I pledge my house.

I will give him all my money,

And my car, dog, kids and spouse.

All hail Eli! All hail Eli!

Or he’ll push me off a bridge, (off a bridge!)

Or he’ll push me off a bridge.

I submit myself to Eli,

Unto him I give my life.

I will do whatever thing he asks me,

Stab a pig with a bread knife.

All hail Eli! All hail Eli!

Or he’ll kill me in my sleep, (in my sleep!)

Or he’ll kill me in my sleep.