Gurt Michaels

## Basic Info

Age - 25

Height - 5'5"

Weight - 138 pounds

Hair Color - Orange

## Early Life to College Age

Born on April 20th, 1995, Gurt was born to Vurt and Bessie Michaels in their trailer home in Dick, MI - near the Sault Ste. Marie State Forest Area. Gurt spent his early life as a very gifted child, albeit a bit misguided. At age 4, Gurt had his first experience with Rap and Hip-Hop music, which he instantly was infatuated with. During Grade School and Middle School, he used these genres as a moral guideline, losing his virginity by age 13 and using his weekly allowance to buy designer clothes and grams of weed from the neighborhood teenagers. The only exercise he experienced until High School was basketball and learning whatever new fad dance was popular at the time. The rest of his younger days were spent lounging around his trailer home or sleeping during his classes, claiming that he : "wouldn't use any of that bullshit anyways". His older brothers would often share alcoholic drinks and marijuana with Gurt, leading to bouts of drunken and high stupors from the age of 5 until 15, when he swore off substance use, and chose to focus on his academics and the pursuit of knowledge instead. Years of inbreeding and fetal alcohol syndrome in his family history led to severe physical deformities. However, it seems his brain was not affected by his rocky genetics at all. In fact, it was thought that Gurt was reading a full book every 1-2 days while keeping up with his schoolwork, only breaking his stream of knowledge to eat, sleep, use the toilet, and feed his budding creating output of playing the guitar - a skill he picked up rather quickly, being able to play an entire advanced Bach chorale before the year was finished. For his adversity overcoming his incestuous biological faults, as well as a shocking near-flawless academic record with a GPA of 4.0, Gurt was offered a full scholarship to Harvard University. Gurt spent his time working towards his dream of a PhD in Physics, hoping to make new breakthroughs to better the world around him. However, while working at his dream, his old habits seemed to pop up at age 21, when he and a few Harvard friends went to a slew of local pubs to celebrate Gurt's birthday. What was supposed to be a carefree night out ended up being the downfall of the aspiring Doctor.

## Adult Life

The night of his 21st birthday, Gurt ingested 3 40 oz. bottles of Malt Liquor, half a bottle of cheap whiskey, 5 shots of Jagermeister, 4 Dr. Peppers, a 6 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, downed 2 20 oz. cans of Red Bull, and smoked 5 joints before having to be rushed to the local hospital's emergency room. The substance overload triggered so many biological shifts in his body, that his brain began to revert back to it's state when he was 7 years old, plateauing there until this day. For this reason, many friends of Gurt at the time went on record to say : "While his heart monitor never flat-lined, we know the real Gurt died that day. He wouldn't have wanted this."

After being told that the hospital's diet regiment offered to him after he became conscious did not include Kentucky Fried Chicken, Gurt checked himself out of the hospital and went back to Harvard University, where he had accidentally mailed the school his working thesis for his degree instead of the intended message that he was planning on leaving the campus in pursuit of more "'gangsta" aspirations. Despite this, the university recognized his thesis as one of the best in his generation and presented him with his Physics degree. Thinking it was merely a goodbye card from Harvard, he stashed it away in the glove compartment of his recently purchased pink Dodge Charger and rode off back to Michigan, where, while making a stop for gas in a town called Bigcity, he found a hiring position at the local KFC as a chicken cook, as well as an apartment two blocks away for only $350 a month - which he paid for half with his working salary and half from government welfare, which became his primary source of income when he was fired from his job at KFC after the company saw hundreds of pounds of chicken seemingly go missing from the shipments each time they delivered to his location.

## Today

Gurt currently is unemployed, living off of government assistance in Bigcity, Pennsylvania. In his early 20's after the accident, he picked the guitar back up - and though his skills have dropped significantly since the night of his 21st birthday, Gurt claims that the lack of coherent notes is his : "signature style - like Hendrix or sum shit!"

Because his welfare allowance was not sufficient to pay for his apartment rent, due to what actually was a case of misspending and not prioritizing his needs, but according to Gurt was a : "bullshit amount of money since Obama hates white people!", Gurt was forcibly evicted from his downtown apartment. He now resides in a dumpster behind the garage owned by a Daniel "Fluffy" Sackson. He spends his time plucking away at his guitar through full overdrive, intruding on Fluffy's property, and taking his Dodge Charger for joyrides at night.

Rumor has it that the staff of Harvard University put a statue of Gurt's head in the front lobby of the Science Center as a memorial to the aspiring doctor who gave them profound new insight through his research, and a reminder to what could have been.