AI Dungeon Sessions

This page serves as an archive for the multiplayer AI Dungeon sessions coordinated on the memo.

## Session 1 Logs (2020-07-25)

Most of these scenarios were made by missBehavior and can be found under their ai dungeon account name "Areobesque".

Players:

* missBehavior
* cutieCub
* turntechCatnip
* oatmealLemons
* edgeworthTan

#### Kanaya Maryam goes to a ball #1

Protagonists:

* John the FG
* Nepeta the Fucker
* Kanaya Maryam

Other notable characters:

* Scp-3008
* Jake English

`You are a vampire duchess in the kingdom of Prospit. Your name is Kanaya Maryam, and you are well known for your remarkable fashion sense. You live in Maryam Hall, and are fairly wealthy. For quite some time now, you have been eyeing the mysterious yet alluring young Lady Lalonde, though your difference in class would make this a forbidden romance. Still, a woman can dream.
 One day, you are lounging in your library reading a history book when you receive an invitation to a ball. Much like a royal ball, this will be a large costume affair. You are unsure of what to wear, and so you decide to ask your advisor, John the FG.
 "John the FG"`

 `> You vibe check.
 You go to your wardrobe, and begin changing out of your ceremonial vampire blood-soaked robes and into a more refined outfit. You smile at your reflection in the full-length mirror.`

 `> You vibe check yourself.
 You feel a surge of pain run through you as your entire body breaks out into a rash. You double over, feeling an incredible wave of heat run through you as your skin begins to burn, still not stopping.`

 `> You ask John for help.
 You leave your bedroom and enter the library, where John the FG awaits.
 "What?" he asks, looking up from his book.
 You apply black lipstick. Your lips are already naturally black, but a true fashionista knows they can always be blacker.
 "Do I have something on my face?" you ask.
 "Yes," John the FG says, looking back down to his book.`

 `> You say "I am covered in a rash and dying"
 John the FG stares at you for a moment, his eyes flitting back and forth between your eyes.
 "Take this," he says, handing you a tube of... something.`

 `> You inspect tube.
 The tube is labeled "Serum".
 "What is it?" you ask.
 "It's serum," John the FG says. "Apply it."
 You look at him suspiciously.`

 `> You apply serum.
 You rub the tube of serum all over your skin, which it glides on easily.
 "What is it?" you ask.
 "It's serum," John the FG says again. "Apply it."`

 `> You ask John what to wear.
 "Blue dress," he says. "Now, head into the woods and wait for my signal."
 "Why do I have to go into the woods?" you ask.
 "The woods," John the FG says.
 Suddenly, Nepeta The Fucker kicks down the door and appears from nowhere, followed by a horde of demons. You back up and raise your hands defensively, but it's clear they have come to kill you, not capture you.
 "John the FG!" you shout.`

 `> You attack Nepeta The Fucker with your chainsaw.
 You rush forward, raising your chainsaw defensively as you attempt to strike her down. She raises her hands defensively, causing your chainsaw to go wide and cutting into your shoulder instead.
 Nepeta takes up a martial art pose and begins stretching.
 "What the hell is going on?" you ask.
 "I don't know," John the FG says. "She just showed up."
 Nepeta begins circling you, punching and kicking.`

 `> You say "John help me out here"
 John the FG stares at you, and raises an eyebrow.
 "Help you out how?" he asks.`

 `> You say "fight them"
 "Fight them?" he asks.
 Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.
 "Quick, hide," John the FG whispers. "Sneaks, secure the-"`

 `> You say "John, Did You Betray Me"`

 `> You wake up.
 "Betray you?" he asks.
 Another knock on the door.
 "Security breach!" you hear Reginald announce. "Everyone, security breach!"
 John the FG looks around.
 "The table!"
 "John, did you betray me?"
 You turn your head, hearing your voice coming from an unknown speaker.
 "Betray you?" a deep voice says.`

 `> You say "Who Are You"
 "I'm John," John the FG says.
 You stop, noticing that the voice seems to have an English accent.
 "I thought so," you say.
 "Who are you?"
 "I'm..."
 The speaker begins beeping rapidly.
 "I've been secluded from society. I don't know what's going on. There's an emergency broadcast coming through the speakers."`

 `> You inquire as to the speaker's situation.
 "I'm trapped in an IKEA room," the speaker says. "I can't get out."
 You frown.
 "Where is the IKEA room?" you ask. "Are you by yourself?"
 "I'm in room 30," the speaker says.
 You take out your phone, calling security.`

 `> You say "Are You Trapped In Scp-3008"
 "I'm in room 3008," the speaker says. "Are you calling for security?"
 "Yes, I'm with security."
 The speaker pauses.
 "I'm in room 3008,"`

 `> You break the speaker out of fear.
 "I'm with security," you say. "We're here to help you get out of the room. Do you need assistance?"
 "Yes," the speaker says. "I can't get out of the room."`

 `> You say "Have you tried the door?"
 "I've tried every door in this room," the speaker says. "They're all locked."
 You sigh, walking forward.`

 `> You say "How about opening the door?"`

 `> You say "Try Breaking The Door Down"
 "I've tried opening the door," the speaker says. "But every time I do, a message pops up saying 'you don't have permission'.""I've tried breaking the door down," the speaker says. "It won't budge."
 "What can you see?" you ask.
 "I can see the hallway," the speaker says.`

 `> You do a rollcall and list all the people in the room with you right now.
 "I'm Alpha, " you say, slowly rolling out of bed.
 You hear a groan as next to you, John the FG slowly wakes up.
 "Are we getting invaded?"`

 `> You say "I Have A Chainsaw"
 "I have a chainsaw," you say. "Do you?"
 "Yes," the other responds.
 "Let's kill them," you say.
 "Hang on, I have a question,"
 "Jake Are You Stuck In The Fucking Infinite IKEA" you ask him.`

 `> You say "Jake"`

 `"I don't have a chainsaw," he says. "Do you?"
 "Yes," you say. "You're a ghost. You have no purpose.""Who is this?" a deep voice asks.
 "I don't know," you say. "He called himself 'Jake'."
 There's a pause.`

 `> You say "Wait, where did Nepeta go?"`

 `> You say "Try praying to your gods"
 "I don't know," the deep voice says. "Please, if you see her, tell her to call me."
 "Why?"I'm trying to get my god to help me," you say.
 You wait for a moment.
 "Hello?" you ask.
 "Are you still there?" the deep voice asks.
 "Yes,"`

 `> You go the location of room 3008.
 You find yourself in the IKEA room. You stand there, wondering where the hell you are. Then, you remember. The haunted IKEA room. The room that was supposedly cursed.
 "Hello?"`

 `> You say "fuck why did i go inside!?"
 "Are you still there?" the deep voice asks.
 "Yes," you say. "Listen, do you know where the hell the girl went?"
 "No," the deep voice says. "I'm sorry."`

 `> You say "Oh Shit"
 "Is there anyone else here?" you ask.
 "I'm sorry," the deep voice says. "I don't know."`

 `> You say "Are We In The Same Ikea"
 "I don't know," the deep voice says. "Can you stay on the line a moment while I ask the man who uses this voice?"`

 `> You say "Where Are You"
 "I'm in room 3008," you say. "The haunted IKEA room."
 "That's not very far away," the deep voice says. "Why don't you just walk over there now?"`

 `> You find a door.
 You find a door, leading out into the IKEA room.
 "Is there anything behind it?" you ask.
 "There's a box," the deep voice says. "Why don't you open it?"`

 `> You /me saw open the door.
 You saw open the door.`

 `> You head through the door.
 You find yourself in the IKEA room. There's nothing but time as you stare at the hundreds of furniture options.
 "You're not there," the deep voice says. "I'm sorry.`

 `> You continue finding doors and sawing through them.
 You continue finding doors and sawing through them.
 "You're not there," the deep voice says. "I'm sorry. Are you still in the IKEA room?"`

 `> You say "Yes I Do Believe So"
 "What do you see?" the deep voice asks.
 "I'm in the room," you say. "Why don't you just tell me where your god is?"
 There's a pause.`

#### Kanaya Maryam goes to a ball #2

Protagonists:

* John the FG
* Nepeta the Fucker
* Kanaya Maryam
* cutieCub
* Terezi Pyrope
* Dave Strider (the firebender)

Other notable characters:

* Trelik the TERRIBLE

`You are a vampire duchess in the kingdom of Prospit. Your name is Kanaya Maryam, and you are well known for your remarkable fashion sense. You live in Maryam Hall, and are fairly wealthy. For quite some time now, you have been eyeing the mysterious yet alluring young Lady Lalonde, though your difference in class would make this a forbidden romance. Still, a woman can dream.
 One day, you are lounging in your library reading a history book when you receive an invitation to a ball. Much like a royal ball, this will be a large costume affair. You are unsure of what to wear, and so you decide to ask your advisor, John the FG.
 "John the FG"
 You find John the FG in your library reading a book. He's a skinny, ugly brute, but you employ him since he seems knowledgeable on all things relating to salamanders.`

 `> cutieCub says "Hello brethren welcome to my epic game"`

 `> Nepeta the Fucker pounces on john playfully.`

 `Nepeta the Fucker snuggles up to John the Fucking FG. She attempts to lick his face and get his attention.
 "Oh, hello my dear,"`

 `> Nepeta the Fucker says "Are you ready to go to the ball?"
 "Yes, my love. I shall accompany you to the ball,"
 John the Fucking FG looks a bit unenthusiastic about this. "Are you sure?" he asks.`

 `> cutieCub says "Come on let's go to the ball, John you prick"`

 `"Of course,"
 John the Fucking FG pets your cat, then takes you by the hand and leads you out of the library. The two of you walk down the halls and into the foyer.`

 `> Dave Strider says "whats going on"
 "Have fun you two,"
 Dave looks at the both of you and shakes his head. "If you get home alive, call me and let me know how it went," he says to you before leaving.`

 `> cutieCub pushes Nepeta the Fucker.
 "Come on, I wanna get there early and look cute,"
 Nepeta the Fucker follows you as you walk down the halls.
 Terezi dashes through the alleyways, senses firmly locked on her target. Duchess Maryam's carriage rolls on the slick cobbled road, unaware of the legislacerator on her trail.
 Trelik the TERRIBLE leaps out of the bushes, slams the carriage door open, and grabs the driver by the hair.`

 `> Dave Strider attack Trelik.
 Dave leaps forward and swings his sword at Trelik. Trelik catches the sword with his hand, then slams it into the carriage roof, shattering the wood and nearly beheading the man inside.`

 `> Dave Strider firebend at Trelik.
 Dave attempts to firebend at Trelik, but Trelik anticipates the attack and redirects the flames, flinging the water at you and melting part of your chest armor. You fall to the floor.`

 `> Nepeta the Fucker catches up the the chase and attempts to pounce on Trelik.
 Nepeta the Fucker, still chasing the carriage, runs into you as you lie on the ground and trips over your leg.
 Trelik begins laughing.`

 `> Dave Strider says "OW SHIT"`

 `> Nepeta the Fucker is on fire.
 Dave attempts to stop his laughter with a coughing fit.
 Nepeta the Fucker stands on your leg, snarling.Nepeta the Fucker is still burning, but she rolls around on the ground to put the flames out.
 Trelik slams his foot on the legislacerator and the burning cat disappears.`

 `> Dave Strider Dave Strider put out the fire.
 Dave attempts to put out the fire with his hands, but he ends up burning them badly.
 The carriage pulls up outside of the palace. The door opens, and a single gentleman steps out.
 He bows low.
 It's`

 `> Dave Strider says "i need to regain my honor"
 faggot.
 He pulls a small wooden box from his pocket, and opens it.
 It's a lute.
 He begins playing a beautiful song."I'm sorry for my actions, milord. Will you accept my servitude in exchange for your forgiveness?"
 The noble stares at you, unblinking. You stand in silence.`

 `> Terezi Pyrope struggles to get up but eventually manages, leaning on her cane for support.`

 `> Dave Strider says "what a fucking travesty"
 Trelik bursts out laughing.
 "I have a bone to pick with you, faggot!" Trelik says, throwing a small knife.Dave Strider points at Trelik. "Kill him," he says.
 Trelik's eyes widen. He looks terrified.
 "Please," he whispers.
 Dave Strider raises his sword.`

 `> Dave Strider don't even listen to Trelik at all.
 You grab the knife, then send it hurtling back at Trelik. It sticks in his shoulder.
 He screams in agony, and yanks the knife out.`

 `> Terezi Pyrope yells "STAB THE BITCH"
 Trelik bursts towards you, screaming in your face. He stumbles over his words.
 "Wha... What?" he asks.
 You grab the knife and stab him in the throat.`

 `> Dave Strider says "man ive disgraced my country"
 "My hero," Terezi says.
 Trelik clutches his throat, gurgling and blood spurting out. He collapses to the floor, dead.`

 `> Nepeta the Fucker rolls for seduction.
 The cat hisses.
 "Tell me your name," you say.
 "Nepeta," she purrs.
 "What do you want to be called?"
 "Whatever you like.`

 `> Dave Strider says "i need to fucking regain my honor and capture the uh"
 "Cunt," you say.
 "Yes," she smiles.
 You pull out your knife and slit her throat, killing her.`

 `> Nepeta the Fucker purrs..?`

 `> cutieCub start licking Trelik's fingers.
 "Is... is it over?" she asks.
 "Yes."
 "Good."
 You leave the palace, and head to the mountains.
 Nepeta the Fucker licks the blood off Trelik's fingers.
 "A traitor," Trelik says, staring at her.
 "You said she was a spy," you point out.`

 `> Dave Strider says "capture Trelik the Terrible"
 Trelik's massive form looms over you. You can hear him breathing.`

 `> Dave Strider stab Trelik in the chest.
 Trelik roars, and grabs ahold of you.
 "Y... you think you can kill me?" Trelik asks.
 "No," you say.
 "Well, you'd be right,"`

 `> Dave Strider stab Trelik through the heart.`

 `> cutieCub chew on Trelik's pinkie finger.
 Trelik roars, and begins coughing up blood. He clutches his chest, and falls to his knees.
 "Wha... what is this?" he asks.
 "I don't know,"Trelik howls in pain, and begins gasping.
 "Ah... ah!" Trelik says.
 Trelik's grip loosens, and he falls to the floor, clutching his heart.`

 `> Dave Strider says "oh my fuck die already jesus christ"
 Trelik breathes heavily, and wheezes. His eyes widen.
 "Trelik... you're alive."
 Trelik's face twists into an expression of pain.`

 `> Dave Strider stab Trelik through the brain.
 "Trelik!"
 "Ngh..."
 Trelik collapses, and his head smacks against the stone floor. His body twitches once, and then he's still.`

 `> Dave Strider says "ok he should be dead now"
 Trelik's body goes still.
 "You killed him," you say, simply.
 "Oh, dear me, yes," Terezi says. "I did.
https://aidungeon.page.link/?link=https://play?playPublicId=91ca28bb-fa7d-4947-ba3a-3c351515abd3&ofl=https://play.aidungeon.io/play/91ca28bb-fa7d-4947-ba3a-3c351515abd3&apn=com.aidungeon&ibi=com.aidungeon.app&isi=1491268416
 You are a vampire duchess in the kingdom of Prospit. Your name is Kanaya Maryam, and you are well known for your remarkable fashion sense. You live in Maryam Hall, and are fairly wealthy. For quite some time now, you have been eyeing the mysterious yet alluring young Lady Lalonde, though your difference in class would make this a forbidden romance. Still, a woman can dream.
 One day, you are lounging in your library reading a history book when you receive an invitation to a ball. Much like a royal ball, this will be a large costume affair. You are unsure of what to wear, and so you decide to ask your advisor, John the FG.
 "Oh, you should wear a qweepa cage. They're in style this year!"
 "What's a qweepa cage?`

 `> Kanaya says "Hello I am Kanaya"
 "That's an interesting name. What does it mean?"
 "How should I know? It's not like I can read."
 Well then. You're going to have to guess.`

 `> John Egbert says "a qweepa cage is like this, uh."
 "A qweepa cage is like this, uh."
 You put on the qweepa cage. John seems pleased.
 "Alright then, I'll wear a qweepa cage.`

 `> Kanaya says "So, should I go to the ball, John?"
 "Well, you might as well. I'll probably be there, along with a bunch of people. You never know who might show up."
 "Yeah, that's true."`

 `> John Egbert looks up queepa cage.
 You google "What is a queepa cage?"
 You learn that a queepa cage is a type of hat. It is also the disguise you will wear to the ball.`

 `> John Egbert says "okay, kanaya, you should be good to go."
 "I guess I should. Thanks, John."
 Kanaya puts on the qweepa cage. You give her a quick thumbs up.
 She nods, and leaves your library.`

 `> Karkat is selecting clothes to wear to the ball.
 Kanaya has chosen a qweepa cage. You give her a thumbs up.
 Kanaya leaves your room.
 You look at the remaining items you can choose from.`

 `> John Egbert choose Heir of Breath outfit.
 You choose the Heir of Breath outfit. John seems pleased.
 You look at yourself in the mirror, imagining yourself as a real ghost.`

 `> Kanaya decides to wear even more qweepa cages for safety reasons.`

 `> John Egbert head to the ball.
 Kanaya puts on another qweepa cage. You give her a thumbs up.
 Kanaya leaves your room.
 Now you just have to wait for the ball to begin.
 The next day, you stand outside the extravagant home of the Alpha Vampire. Count Grey stands there, dressed in a black tuxedo. His companion is a girl in a blood-red evening dress.
 From far away in her carriage, Rose Lalonde checks her makeup in the window. Raindrops race down the plated glass as the countryside whips by. She will be here soon.
 The gate opens, and a swarm of a half dozen servants rush out to take care of the arriving guests.`

 `> Karkat shows up to the ball in his qweepa cage.
 Kanaya appears in her qweepa cage. You give her a thumbs up.
 Kanaya gets out of her qweepa cage.`

 `> Kanaya says "give back my qweepa cage you little worm"
 You look around. A large group of servants stands nearby. The road up to the house is completely open to guests. A qweepa cage sits in the middle of the path.
 Kanaya's pissed.`

 `> John Egbert says "woah kanaya, what's wrong?"`

 `> Kanaya says "fuck you karkat cage thief."
 "What's wrong? What's wrong?! You give back my qweepa cage you little worm!"
 Well. This could complicate things.
 Kanaya begins to cast a powerful spell.
 You grab her arm and pull her close to you.
 "KANAYA!" You yell, trying to be heard over her spell.
 Rose notices the eligible duchess from across the room. Rose tosses her blond hair and walks over to meet her.
 "What's wrong, my love?" She asks.
 "Oh, just a little predicament."
 "What do you mean?`

 `> John Egbert says "oh goddamnit."
 "I gave him back your qweepa cage. He's pissed."
 "WHAT?! He stole my qweepa cage?!`

 `> John Egbert John Egbert leaves them to be.`

 `Karkat hides under a tableYou shake your head, realizing you've got a problem. You quickly run over to the servants and ask for their help in stopping Rose. They seem reluctant to do so, but comply.. He's not going to be able to take on both Rose and her friend by himself.
 Meanwhile, you're still holding onto a pissed off Kanaya.
 You really need to come up with something.`

 `> Jane walks in the streets of prospit.`

 `> John Egbert says "kanaya, calm down! it's just a qweepa cage."
 The night of the ball, you arrive at Count Grey's mansion. A small group of servants escort you in, and you're immediately met by a butler and other servants."Well, it's hers. I have no idea how she expects me to respond."
 You put your face in your hands. Rose and her friend walk towards you, chatting away.
 "Fucker Stole My Queepa Cage" Kanaya tells rose.
 "Hey, did you say that the boy stole your qweepa cage?" Rose asks.
 "Yeah, he did."
 "That little prick" Rose mocks. "Where is he?`

 `> Karkat says "Kanaya, where is your Queepa Cage?"
 "I want my qweepa back, you little prick."
 You raise an eyebrow.
 "What? I don't know what you're talking about!" You exclaim.
 "Yeah, sure"`

 `> Kanaya says "Rose do you want to help me kill this fucking dumb little worm, Karkat? And take back my cage?"
 "Yes! Please!" Rose agrees eagerly.
 You begin to sweat nervously.`

 `> Jane says "What even is a qweepa cage?"
 "What even is a qweepa cage?" John replies.
 Rose and Jane's confusion is palpable.
 "A qweepa is a species of bird, very rare and sought after by collectors"`

 `> John Egbert says "who is the dumb little worm?!"`

 `> Karkat says "ARE YOU DOUBTING MY HONESTY KANAYA"
 "Who is the dumb little worm?!" You ask.
 Kanaya lets out an exasperated sigh."Yes, you're a liar!"
 Kanaya begins to get angrier and draws her sword. You attempt to stop her from killing you by grabbing her arm.`

 `> John Egbert says "oh my god, this is so infuriating."
 "Oh my god, this is so infuriating." John says.
 "Let me go you little prick!" She screams, smacking you in the side of the head.`

 `> Kanaya says "Karkat you dumb little worm fuck"
 "You let me go you little prick!" She screams, smacking you in the side of the head.
 You stumble back, knocking into Count Grey who appears behind you.`

 `> John Egbert says "EVERYONE CALM DOWN!"`

 `> Karkat draws his sword.
 "Everyone calm down!" John says.
 "Kanaya, what is this? What's going on?" Count Grey asks.You raise your hands, as does Count Grey.
 "Kanaya, I think this really is for the best. You can't handle him."
 "I can't... handle you..."`

 `> John Egbert try to calm everyone down.
 "Everyone calm down!" John says.
 "Kanaya, what is this? What's going on?" Count Grey asks.You raise your hands, as does Count Grey.`

 `> Kanaya says "Count Grey, burn Karkat. Kill him"
 "Count Grey, burn Karkat. Kill him."
 "Rose, kill the little fool."
 "Kill the little fool."
 You're sick of all this.`

 `> John Egbert says "no!!"`

 `> Jane says "NO "
 "No!!" John screams.
 You grab a candlestick, and charge Count Grey. He grabs your hand and breaks it. Count Grey quickly grabs you and twists your arm.`

 `> Karkat begins blood bending Kanaya's blood.
 "No!!" You and John say in unison.
 "Jane, you've got a phone, call the police." You say.
 "Are you crazy?" She replies.
 "Call the police!"Ow! KANAYA!" She screams.
 "KANAYA!"
 Count Grey burns you, causing you to scream. You writhe in pain as the fire tears through your body.`

 `> John Egbert says "don't kill h-"
 "Don't kill him!" Count Grey screams.
 Count Grey steps on John, who lets out a pitiful scream.
 "That'll learn you to defy me."`

 `> John Egbert says "OW"
 "That'll learn you to defy me."
 You scream as your skin begins to char.
 "I've made my decision."
 Count Grey slowly burns you alive, all the while still talking to Count Grey.`

 `> John Egbert says "KANAYA, HELP!!"
 "KANAYA, HELP!!"
 As your flesh cooks, you let out a final scream.
 Rose stares at the chaos. She begins to smile.
 "This is too easy."
 She pulls out a pistol and shoots both Count Grey and John. She then looks at you and points the gun at your head.
 Karkat burns and dies in front of you, before your eyes.
 "Now, die." Rose says with a smile.`

 `> John Egbert oh John Egbert's god.
 "KANAYA!"
 "KANAYA!"
 She fires the gun, which passes right through your head.
 "Oops."
 You bleed out onto the ground.`

 `> Jane says "Rose, stop!"
 "Rose, stop!"
 "What?" Rose asks.
 "Just stop." Jane says.
 "Why? Was it not good enough that you murdered my father and brother?`

 `> John Egbert die.`

 `Karkat is revealed to have been god tier all along, his death is ruled"KANAYA!"
 "KANAYA!"
 She begins to laugh.
 "Goodbye, little spatnik."
 She points the gun at you again and fires. a suicide. The camera zooms out as the credits roll.`

 `> Jane says "What are you talking about Rose?"`

 `> Kanaya says "Rose NO! You were in on it all along?????"
 "What are you talking about Rose?"
 "I'm your sister, of course."
 "Oh, that's right. You are."
 "Stop playing head games and tell me what you're talking about.""What are you talking about Rose?"
 "I was in on it all along?" Rose asks in disbelief.
 "You're not seriously denying it?" Jane asks.
 rip storry
 "I'm your sister, of course."
 "Oh, that's right. You are."
 "Stop playing head games and tell me what you're talking about.""What are you talking about Rose?`

 `> John Egbert die a heroic death.
 "That's right, my love. You were right all along. I'm going to face death with courage and dignity. No medicinerr will save me."
 "Good for you, John.`

 `> John Egbert says "huh?!"`

 `"Good for you, John."
 "I'm not dying." He says.`

 `> John Egbert says "i am alive again!?"
 "That's right, my love. You were right all along. I'm going to face death with courage and dignity. No medicinerr will save me."
 "Good for you, John.`

 `> John Egbert says "what..."
 "I'm going to die, John."
 "You are?"
 "Of course. Who else would I be talking to?"
 "I don't know.`

 `> John Egbert head into John Egbert's room, alone, to process all this bullshit.
 You enter John's room alone.
 You sit down in a chair in the middle of the room and look around at all the pictures of him and his family, his old journals, and then the bed.`

 `> Jane read journals.
 As you sit there and read his old journals, the memories come flooding back.`

 `> Jane cry.
 You sit there and read his old journals, the memories come flooding back.
 In one of his old journals, you see a passage about his time on a pirate ship.`

 `> Jane read more.`

 `> Jane cry.
 In another passage, he talks about his time on a mining station.
 As you read more, you find a passage about his relationship with a woman he calls "Cat."
 You continue to read.`

#### John's Demonic adventure

Protagonists:

* John Egbert
* Jane Crocker
* Dave Strider
* Dirk Strider
* Jake English
* Jade Harley
* stoicalScepticism
* Hat Man

Other notable characters:

* Karkat Vantas
* Sollux Captor
* Aradia Megido
* Meliodas
* Goku
* Barack Obama
* CINDY THE CINDERBLOCK
* Catia
* Meliodasstar
* Starclan
* The Dark Forest
* Sans

`—tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 12:30 p.m.—`

 `TG: jaen
 TG: janeyyyyy
 TG: u hav GOTT 2 check this our
 TG: ouuy
 TG: ooui
 TG: baguette
 TG: this shits CRAXY BAMANSAS off th charts
 GG: What exactly is this ever so important thingamajigger? It sure does have you worked up into a lather!
 TG: well i was just surfin the dark web downloding fioles all over the place with my craxy haxxor skillz
 TG: as in bignin fnafics
 TG: when i camed pupon a fnaficton
 TG: about UD
 TG: wonk wonk
 TG:sooo mnay typos
 GG: This deep in the sauce at half past noon? Sometimes I don't know how you manage it.
 GG: Besides a fan fiction, about us?? Nice try Roxy, but a skilled prankmistress like me can tell when her leg is being pulled! Hoo hoo!
 TG: im bein serius
 TG: it was on this real weird node that didnt look liek anythig id evr seen totes alien tech evn more alein thn usual
 TG: an when i opded it it said
 TG: "COTTONXCANDY SMUT XXX"
 TG: direcoy copypastad from the sit
 TG: u know wat jus click the lonk and red it 4 me ive been so cruuios but we both know i cant reed rn + uve got ur shit together
 TG: LOONK
 TG: their u go nice anb ezy no compilcatons here nosiree
 GG: Well, I SUPPOSE I could take a look, what with all this "Being less of a tightass" business we've been working through.
 TG: YESSSSSSSSDDSSS
 GG: But only if you promise to take a nap! Sleep it off, drunky! :B
 TG: fine i promise
 TG: c u l8r
 TG: <33`

 `tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]`

 `Your heart flutters slightly as you exit BettyBother, link successfully copied to your clipboard. She really does have a bit of a drinking problem. Oh well, you do what you can, you suppose.
 This whole ‘COTTONXCANDY' business seems a bit ridiculous to you! After all, it's one of the more out there facades that Rolal has used for her expertly coded presents. Still, a fan fiction about you... you can't help but wonder what it contains. You paste the link into your browser and see for yourself.`

 `And you're glad you did.`

 `This is a very accurate, if overly long fan fiction about your life.
 Primarily featured is your relationship with Roxy Lalonde. It's surprisingly well done for a fan fiction.
 You begin to read...`

 `“Jane Crocker sat in her bedroom one Saturday evening, quite bored with nothing to do.`

 `> John Egbert enter the room, extremely confused.
 John entered the room, and was immediately struck by how pretty the girl was. "Who are you?"
 "I'm Cindy."`

 `> John Egbert says "oh, uh, hi cindy. i'm john."
 "Hi, John." Cindy says, her voice having a sing-song quality to it.
 John says nothing.
 "Are you new here?" Cindy asks.
 "Yeah.
 Cindy looks at John with fiery eyes filled with curiosity.
 "Do you... like me?" Cindy asks, her voice quivering.
 "What? I don't... know."
 "Do you think I'm pretty?"`

 `> John Egbert says "huh??"
 "I like you." Cindy says.
 "Why?"
 "Because you seem really nice and fun, and you're new here, so that makes you cool."
 "Oh."`

 `> gutsyGumshoe says "Cindy? Who, dare I say, is this Cindy?"
 Cindy giggles at your reply.
 "Are... are you laughing at me?" Cindy asks, looking down to her feet.
 "No."
 "Oh." Cindy says, before laughing nervously.`

 `> John Egbert says "oh, i'm..sorry. i don't feel the same way."
 "Oh." Cindy says, before laughing nervously.
 "I like Roxy."
 "Oh." Cindy says, before laughing nervously.
 "She's so pretty and cool!"
 "Oh."`

 `> gutsyGumshoe get's angry and punches Cindy in.
 "Hey!" Cindy cries as she falls to the ground, holding her broken nose.
 "What the hell, man?`

 `> John Egbert says "what are you doing, jane?"
 "She deserved it." You reply.
 "What the hell, man? What's gotten into you?`

 `> John Egbert says "she did nothing."
 "What?"
 "I didn't say I hated her. I just said I didn't like her. I hate who hit her, but she's already gone."
 "You're not going to do that."
 John is disappointed in Jane`

 `> gutsyGumshoe says "She's not a homestuck character kill her!"
 's decision to attack Cindy. He walks over to Cindy, who is still on the floor, and helps her up.
 "Here, let me help you." John says."Fine." John says in defeat.
 You proceed to pull out your lighter and set Cindy's skirt on fire. She screams and hugs the floor, attempting to put the flames out with her hands.
 "Stop!"`

 `> Dave Strider walks in on the carnage. "savage punch bro"
 Dave joins the crowd of people watching as Cindy's skirt on fire.
 "Dude, what's going on?`

 `> John Egbert put the fire out with wind.
 The wind causes Cindy's skirt to go out, allowing her to get up and roll around on the floor in an attempt to put it out.
 "Get your hands off her."
 "Whatever.`

 `> John Egbert says "please stop trying to kill each other!"
 "Fine!" Cindy screams.
 Cindy proceeds to start punching and hitting each other, in the end breaking John's nose, knocking out several teeth and giving her a black eye.
 Jane laughs as Cindy the Cinderblock burns to death.
 "Ha ha ha!"`

 `> John Egbert says "OW, FUCK!"`

 `> Jake English says "Jane what the fuck is wrong with you?"
 "Hey, you can't just kill her!"
 "Why not?"
 "Because she's a human being! She has a soul!"Jane what the hell?"
 "I don't like the way you're acting. This isn't you. I'm not gonna sit here and let you destroy your life because of one mistake.`

 `> John Egbert black out, completely exhausted.`

 `> gutsyGumshoe says "WHO THE FUCK IS SHE JAKE, WHO IS SHE?>"
 "What do you want to do?"
 "Are you serious?"
 "Yeah."
 "I want to... go home.""Shut up!" Jane says.
 "She's nobody."
 "Tell me who she is!"
 "She was a friend of Roxy's, years ago."
 "That was a long time ago."`

 `> Dave Strider says "Damn, this sure is fucked up. WHY DID YOU BURN HER???"
 "Shut up!"
 "Who is she?"
 "SHUT UP!"
 "I want to know!"
 "SHUT UP!"
 "I'm her brother! I want to know who she is!"`

 `> gutsyGumshoe says "liiiieees"
 "Fine! Tell ya what, I'll give you five seconds. Five... four..."
 "Please!"
 "Three..."
 "Two..."
 "One..."
 "Tell me who she is!"
 "SHUT UP!"
 "Fine!"
 John tells you that the girl in the black dress is none other than...
 RITA MOL .`

 `> gutsyGumshoe begins charging her kamehameha.`

 `"You won't get away with this you crazy..."
 "Please!"
 Jane suddenly charges her fist forward. It grows in size, as her knuckles become visible, then her arm, then her entire body. Her fist smashes into gutsyGumshoe's face, sending a powerful force knocking her back.
 "Let's finish this!"
 "Alright then!"`

 `> timeausTestified "What the hell..?"
 John fires a large beam of light from his index finger. It flies forward and hits gutsyGumshoe right in the chest, knocking her back several feet.`

 `> John Egbert says "wait, what the hell am i doing?"`

 `> Jake English says "Guys stop this!"
 "It's over."
 "I'm not gonna let you destroy your life because of one mistake. I can help you."
 "What?"We're not finished with her!"
 "Shut up!"
 Jane fires another, then another and another. Finally, gutsyGumshoe gets back up, but she has been knocked on her back end.`

 `> John Egbert stop attacking gutsyGumshoe and question everything.
 "You're a killer aren't you?"
 "WHAT?" Jane says, her voice trembling.
 "You killed that boy, didn't you?"
 Jane begins crying.
 "Yeah..."
 "Why?"`

 `> Dave Strider does a sick ollie trick over gutsyGumshoe's body.
 "What... what the hell are you doing?"
 "Just think, if she doesn't kill you, I will.`

 `> John Egbert lie down on John Egbert's bed, immensely confused.
 "I've made so many mistakes today..."
 John lies down on his bed, looking at the ceiling.
 "Just one of many, I guess..."
 You think to yourself.`

 `> John Egbert have a mid-life crisis.
 John gets up from his bed, smiling.
 "That's right, me boy. What are you waiting for? Come on!"
 John walks out of his room, leaving you alone in the room.`

 `> Jake English cry because of what happened.
 "I just can't take it anymore!"
 Jane stops crying, and stares blankly at the door.
 "Do... do you want to come with me?"`

 `> Jake English says "ok"
 "Sure."
 John leads you into a hallway filled with doors. He stops in front of one, and slowly pulls it open. It's dark inside, illuminated only by the dim sunlight leaking in through the window.`

 `> Dave Strider casually walks up to John showing no expression. "This is for Cindy" he whispers in his ears tenderly, as he douses John in gasoline and sets him on fire.
 John screams in agony as he writhes around the room, on the floor. You run to his side and help him up, while screaming.
 "Help! Help!"
 No one comes.`

 `> gutsyGumshoe does the life thing.
 John collapses onto the floor, dead.
 "Goodbye."
 You stare at gutsyGumshoe's corpse, trying to think of what to do.`

 `> Dave Strider says "Cinderblock John, rot in hell you scum."
 "Yeah. That guy."
 "What about him?"
 "He's from around here, he can tell you everything you need to know about where to find the rest of the pieces."
 "Good idea."`

 `> Jake English call the police.
 You pick up the phone and dial 911. A booming voice asks you to calm down as the line begins to fuzz.`

 `> gutsyGumshoe jade revives thanks to her maid of life powers.
 "Thank you. So much."
 "You're welcome."
 "I have to find the other seven relics."
 "I'll help you, but what about your life?
 Suddenly, Jade Harley materializes! She seems much younger, a mere child.
 "I have powers!"
 "Really?"
 "Yeah!"
 Jade begins twirling around, lifting up cars with the twist of her finger.`

 `> John Egbert revive, as the way John Egbert died was not heroic nor just.
 John opens his eyes, then sits up.
 "What happened?"
 "You died. You were on fire. I doused you with a glass of water. It shattered."
 "Oh...`

 `> gutsyGumshoe revives John.
 "Do you feel any pain?"
 "A little."
 "I used to hang out with a zombie once. He actually got bit because he gave people rides in his car."`

 `> Jake English hey cops, people are burning each other, can Jake English help.
 "Help? I can't do that. I'm not allowed to leave the campus."
 "That's a weird rule. Don't you get stalked or anything?`

 `> Dave Strider says "Sorry John, I just get a little quirky sometimes. Are we still buddies?"`

 `Suddenly Obama kicks down the door, and stands there. He looks grim.
 "You're under arrest."
 "For what?"
 "Murder."
 "I didn't kill anyone!"
 "Let me guess, Jane? to the study room.
 "It's ok, I'm here."
 "You're what's up!`

 `> John Egbert says "FUCK NO"
 "What?"
 "That's it, I'm not going in there."
 "Why the hell not?"
 "Because I'm scared!"
 "Of what?`

 `> Dave Strider says "John don't be a pussy you died quickly."`

 `> John Egbert says "i'm not our buddy, you just lit me on fire and killed me."
 "That's not the point! I feel vulnerable in that situation, they can do anything to me!"
 "Fine, let's go to my room then."
 "Are you sure?
 "Yes."
 ""Yeah I know that!"
 "Well don't act like you don't understand what I'm saying."
 "Look, I'm not going in there because it makes me feel afraid!`

 `> John Egbert says "goodbye."
 "Goodbye."
 You turn to leave, but realize that your team doesn't have a room. You walk down the hallway, and enter a room with a bunch of couches.`

 `> John Egbert head home, extremely tired, confused, and hurt.
 You lay down on a couch, and immediately fall asleep.
 You have been killed by the inability to sleep.
 You had succeeded in dying.`

 `> gutsyGumshoe pulls Jake into a sloppy kiss.`

 `> Jake English go to the room of couches and sit on a couch.
 "Hey, cuddle?"
 You stare at her, then at her boyfriend, then back at her.
 "NO!"
 The two argue, before being interrupted by the arrival of your mom.You walk over to a couch, sit down, and close your eyes.`

 `The sun's rays poke through the blinds next to you, and warm rays of sunlight wash over your face. You feel great.`

 `> Dave Strider gets pouty and says "Okay John I think you need another little burny time" and sets John on fire again.
 You jump up and run out the room, finding yourself on fire once more.
 "I'm not dead!"
 "Yes you are.`

 `> John Egbert are too dead to respond.
 "Stop it!"
 "You can't say no to me!"
 "Do it anyway!"
 "Fine!"
 You stare at her as she takes off her shirt, revealing a purple bra.`

 `> Jake English stop dave.`

 `> John Egbert says "WHAT!!"`

 `> Dave Strider kicks John into ashes.`

 `> timeausTestified says "What the fuck man."
 "
 "Don't stop me."
 "Aww! Tell you what, you gotta do something for me."
 "What?"
 She hops onto the couch and grinds her pelvis into your face."You heard me."
 "You're not my boyfriend."
 "You might as well be, since you're lying next to me right now."
 "You're Jake English!"You're too cute to die."
 You fall to the ground.`

 `Then, you feel your heart beating once more."Didn't see that one coming."
 "I'm glad I'm not his girlfriend, that was pretty creepy."
 "It's not over yet. "
 Suddenly, you begin to feel sleepy...
 begins restraining Jake with her WOMANLY LOOKS!"
 Jake begins struggling against Gabri's hold.
 "
 Gabri brings her knee up into Jake's stomach. Jake grunts with pain and falls backwards."
 "Good, I want you on your knees.`

 `> John Egbert revive, as the way he died was not heroic nor just.
 You quickly stand up and rush towards the bathroom. You reach your hand under the sink, searching for the hot water knob.
 "Where do you think you're going?"`

 `> Jake English says "Why are you doing this to ME"
 "Shut up!"
 You turn to Gabri. She looks pretty cool right now."Why are you doing this?"
 "I don't like you. You're not a nice person. You hurt people.`

 `> John Egbert run away before John Egbert is set on fire again.
 You run out of the bathroom, Gabri hot on your heels. You make it to the staircase and start running up the stairs, trying to find a way out.`

 `> Dave Strider appears from behind the door next to John. "mmmm you seem a little cold, John"
 "Hey!"
 You turn around, only to see Gabri standing right behind you."I told you to shut up!" she says angrily.
 "You're in love with me!`

 `> John Egbert jump out a window, taking flight.`

 `Jade Harley watches the imbeciles from high above.You quickly look around for a possible escape. The only options you see are a window with a jump or a door that leads outside.
 She lets out a little chuckle.`

 `> Dave Strider runs away from Gabri and throws lit matches at John Egbert.
 "I hate you! I wish you were dead!"
 You take a deep breath, and jump out of the window.`

 `"Aww! What about me John? Don't you love me?"`

 `> Jake English runs away to a dark alley.
 You close your eyes, as the open window frame jabs into your chest.
 Suddenly, a large weight smashes into you, knocking the wind out of you and sending you toppling out of the window.`

 `> John Egbert jump out a window, escaping via flying.
 You flail around in the air, finally managing to grab ahold of the window frame with your hands and feet.
 "I hate you! I wish you were dead!"`

 `> Jake English die.
 You die, just like that.`

 `> John Egbert dodge the match.
 You miss the match, which flies past you and out of the window.
 "I told you I hate you."`

 `> Jake English become lord english.
 You run your fingers through your hair, pushing your fringe back."I'm gonna get you Gabri. You can't escape me. I'm going to find you wherever you are, and I'm going to kill you."`

 `> John Egbert says "DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!"
 "Why did you do that for?"
 "I had the match lit!"
 "It could have burnt down the school!`

 `> Dave Strider screams after john "BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN" on repeat. clawing at his eyes and grabbing more gasoline.
 You stare at the claw marks.`

 `> Jake English secretly burn down the building John and Dave are currently in.
 You point your finger, and let out a small blue flame.
 "WHA--"
 Your tongue catches fire, and the tongue on fire that you are, you start screaming in agony.`

 `> John Egbert leave, extremely hurt that dave has tried to kill John Egbert on multiple occassions.
 You shake your head as you walk out the front door of the school.
 You walk along, deep in thought.
 The two of you walk in silence until you come to the lake.
 "I'm sorry."
 Jane revives Dave and takes him to the nurse's office. You stare at the lake.
 "Why'd you do that for?"
 "I didn't want you to get hurt."
 "I would have been fine.`

 `> John Egbert says "what? i don't forgive you. can you please just leave me alone?"
 "But why?"
 "Why what?"
 "Why didn't you want me to get hurt? I thought we were friends."
 You stare at her.`

 `> John Egbert says "go away."
 "Are you leaving?"
 You sigh, and sit down on the grass."Yes."
 "Can I ask why?"
 "I can't stay here. I want to go to the city.`

 `> Dave Strider says "I sure hope taht little fucking worm John is writhing in pain right now. fuck that guy"
 You turn to stare at him."Huh?"
 "He started it."
 "I didn't--"
 "What happened exactly?"
 You take a deep breath.
 "Dave...`

 `> Jake English try to burn down the building John and Dave are in again.`

 `Suddenly CINDY THE CINDERBLOCK INTERUPS THE LOVEBIRDS`

 `> timeausTestified says "Are we done with lighting eachother on fire?"
 You open the door to the room."Yeah?"
 "I'm sorry."
 "For what?"
 "For burning you."
 You shrug, and close the door."Bye.". She sets Dave's hair on fire, causing him to yell and run around in circles. The pain from his burned scalp is so great that he can't think straight, let alone concentrate."I'm sorry."
 "Are we done yet?"
 "I really want to go to the city."
 "Fine."
 You turn to Jane.
 "Can I come with you?`

 `> timeausTestified says "I guess not."
 "`

 `> John Egbert head home completely alone.
 Suddenly, a portal opens up in the middle of the room. It's not the one you saw before, but a different one. A woman with a sword and full face covering steps out of it."You took the long way round, didn't you? Where is the boy?"
 "I don't have him.`

 `> Dave Strider says "AHHH GOD HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED AHHH MY HAIR"`

 `"YES AND ALWAYS""I'll make you wish you had."
 You run past her, but suddenly she grabs your arm and pulls you back. you yell while grabbing your broom.
 You charge at her and run her through. You pull out your sword and push her body up on the sword so that the tip goes through her head.`

 `> gutsyGumshoe says "OH HOW THE TURNTABLES"`

 `The woman is standing on the sword, her body completely covering it. You drop the sword and hold her by the waist. She falls to the ground and you begin walking towards her."What happened here?`

 `> Dave Strider stares at her corpse in awe.
 "She was murdered!" he shouts.
 "By who?"
 "I don't know!"
 Suddenly you notice the stab wound in her back.
 Suddenly Roxy appears in the room."Cunt!" she hisses and runs at you. You dodge and she falls down the stairs."The hell was that?"
 "You really don't want to know.`

 `> John Egbert just get home.`

 `Jane begins reviving and soon enough the two of you are on your way to the city."By the time I reached the bottom of the steps, she had gotten back up."
 Suddenly, Cindy appears in front of you."I'll tear out your soul, human!"
 "What the hell?"
 Jade Harley watches from the shadows. No one knows she did it.`

 `> John Egbert find John Egbert's way to John Egbert's house, and lie down and fall asleep.
 You find your way to the Warp Storm. You struggle and fight your way through it. Eventually, you arrive at the Grey.
 Jake spots Jade and screams."She's behind everything! She killed Mr. Demar!"
 Cindy begins to laugh."If she did, it was an accident!"
 "She's a liar!"
 "Jake,"`

 `> John Egbert attempt to go to bed.
 You stand outside your house, wondering why you don't feel like going in."I don't feel like going inside. I'm too tired."
 You go inside and lie down on your bed.`

 `> Dave Strider starts soothing Cindy "Ssssst it's okay. We'll find John again and burn that little mole-man"
 "Shut up Cindy!"
 You sit there in silence.
 Suddenly, you smell something foul.
 You get up and find blood on the ground.
 You follow the trail and find Cindy.
 Jane confesser her love for Jade and reveals she is lesbabic.
 Suddenly, you smell the foul stench of blood and hear a hissing.
 You look over to your right and find a creature."DIE BITCH!" it screams and lunges at you.
 Except that doesn't happen because what the fuck. It's just a normal mole rat.
 You head upstairs and find some peace and quiet.
 You open the door to your room.
 Suddenly, you're hit in the face with a fireball.
 CINDY THE CINDERBLOCK`

 `> John Egbert scream in pain.
 !?
 It's hard to see in the dark, but she's wearing the same outfit she was that time you had to pull over for her.
 She punches you in the gut and throws you on the floor.You roll out of the way and into your closet. You hear the sound of clapping.
 You stand up and see the mole rats."I'm sorry John, but you're not getting off that easy."
 Everyone piss and cry, but that doesn't seem to satisfy her. She heads outside and pulls the statue from it's spot.
 She stands it up and it falls over and smacks you in the head.
 CINDY THE CINDERBLOCK
 "What...what the hell do you think you're doing?"
 "I'm taking away the only thing in this world that makes you happy, so you won't be a threat anymore."`

 `> John Egbert says "please! leave me alone!!"
 "Please leave me alone."
 She throws the statue at you and it shatters into a million pieces.
 The statue was of Mr. Demar.
 That was the last time you ever saw Cindy.
 Cindy's soul floats up towards the sky. You see her head turn and her bloody hand make a heart symbol before she disappears into the clouds.
 John stands there in the moonlight. He seems to be thinking about something.`

 `> John Egbert get some peace and quiet.
 As Cindy disappeared into the sky, a portal opens up and from it a demon comes out.
 "Well, look who it is. It's good to see you, kid."
 Cindy faded away into nothing. Her grudge settled. It was over. But you still had to deal with this demon.
 "What do you want?"
 "Nothing much, just passing through. How are things up there?"
 "Terrible."`

 `> John Egbert says "oh my god, go the fuck away."
 "Look kid, I know it's your first time here, but you really don't want to go there. I'm not messing around."
 "What do you mean? Am I going to Hell?`

 `> John Egbert says "i am so tired, go AWAY."
 "No, not Hell. The Moon."
 "What?`

 `> Jake English visit John Egbert Jake English guess.`

 `The demon looks John up and down and says "You do seem like kind of an asshole"."Listen kid, I'm going to give you a choice. You can either come with me or you can stay up there. If you come with me, then you won't have to stay up there. I promise."
 "You seem to be good at your job, though. Maybe you should take it."
 John looks shocked. "What?"
 "I said maybe you should take it. As in being my demon.
 SUDDENLY CINDY REVEALS SHE ISN'T DEAD.
 "C...Cindy? What are you doing?"
 "Taking a break from collecting souls. I can't do it without him. You really pissed me off, you know."`

 `> Jake English cindy wtf.`

 `> timeausTestified says "Certified bruh moment."
 "And why would you say that?"
 "You won't listen to me. You don't listen to anyone."
 "That's not true."What? Who?`

 `> John Egbert says "what do you want?! i don't want to be a demon."
 "Look, Cindy tells me you don't want to be a demon, but you have no other choice. It's either that or stay up there.`

 `> gutsyGumshoe says "FOUL SPIRIT BEGONE"
 The Demon turns to Cindy and stares at her, before walking up to her.
 "Oh, so now you want me to beg to you?" it says in a low voice, Cindy backs away.`

 `> John Egbert says "fine, i'll go to the moon."
 "Good choice, kid. Just don't try to run away, alright?"
 "Fine."
 The demon grabs Cindy and puts her on his shoulder.`

 `> Dave Strider walks up and says "If John's in, I'm in too Demon!"`

 `> John Egbert go to the moon.
 The demon turns around and looks at you, before walking up to you.
 "Well, it seems that I've got two more recruits." he says, looking at Cindy.
 "Great! The more the merrier!"
 The demon flies away with Cindy on his back. You're alone now, and you've no idea what's going to happen next.`

 `> timeausTestified leans over against Jake English and says, "You wanna get out of this shitshow?"
 "Huh?"
 "We could try to kill the demon. I could open up those pod doors and let the demons inside finish him off."
 Jake seems to consider it, before turning to you.`

 `> Jake English throws a shoe at Cindy.`

 `You duck as a shoe is flung in your direction. You have no idea where it's come from, but you're thankful for it. It smacks into the demon's head, and he stumbles backwards.
 Meliodas suddenly appears, flies over to the demon, and slashes him with his claws, nearly taking off his head. Then, he slices the demon's neck open with his claws, and begins drinking.`

 `> Jake English gag.
 You look at the demons disappearing down Jake's throat.
 "Hey! I'm not finished here!" the demon yells, before turning to you. "Well, little man? You ready to be done with school?"`

 `> John Egbert feels extremely lonely on the moon.
 "No."
 "No, what?"
 "I don't want to go to the moon."
 "Well tough cookies, you're going!"
 The demon grabs you and flies away.
 Meliodas appears in front of you.
 "Hey! What the hell man?! This is really bad for my cat!"
 "Sorry Meliodas."
 You fly away from the moon, out towards space.`

 `> John Egbert return to the moon.
 You turn around and fly back to the moon. As soon as you get closer, Meliodas appears before you.
 "What the hell is this? Some kind of joke? You brought me back here?"`

 `> Dave Strider follows John and the demon with his cool skateboard tricks.
 "Demons don't exist!" Meliodas says. "They're just stories!"
 "Oh really?" Jake says, appearing. "Then what's this?"
 Meliodas looks`

 `> timeausTestified says "All we need now is some vore to make this story the icing on the cake."
 behind him and sighs.
 "Fine. He can stay. I'll teach him the ways of the demon."
 "Terrific," you say.
 Meliodas turns to you.Meliodas turns to you.
 "I don't want to fight you."
 "Too bad," the demon says, grabbing you and pulling you towards him.
 "Let him go.`

 `> Dave Strider unlocks his latent ESP abilities becoming an esper.
 The demon stops and turns around.
 "What the hell?"
 Meliodas flies forward, grabbing the demon's head and twisting it around.`

 `> Jake English throw the demons out of Jake English's throat.`

 `> John Egbert says "please, whoever the hell you people are, leave me alone."
 The demon is killed instantly, and Meliodas lets the demon's head fall to the ground.
 "Alright, that's the last of them. Are we done yet?"Alright, alright!" the demon says, grabbing Meliodas' arm. "You're right. We're out."
 He disappears with his buddies, and Meliodas closes the doors to the pods.`

 `> timeausTestified says "I ask again. What the fuck?"`

 `> John Egbert has some alone time.
 "What the hell is going on?You walk out onto the black surface of the moon, looking up at the stars.
 They're so far away. Even if you reached out your arms, your hands would only just come into contact with any given star.`

 `> Jake English sighs so loudly.
 "Who are you?`

 `> Dave Strider says "Wow what the fuck is going on, Meliodas? Why are we on the moon???"
 "Meliodas! Meliodas, talk to me!"
 "Shut up, English!"
 Meliodas is silent.
 "Hello? Is anyone there?"
 "Quiet, or you're dead."`

 `> John Egbert stares at earth longingly.
 You look down at the planet, the only thing visible in the night's sky for miles and miles. The planet looks so beautiful, so peaceful. But you know that it isn't.
 Meliodas suddenly`

 `> timeausTestified says "Please end my suffering."
 appears, floating in front of you.
 "What happened to you?" you ask.
 "What happened to you?" he asks back.
 You try to see into his mind, but his defenses are strong."Fine."
 You fire your rifle, blowing away timeaus' chest. He falls backwards, hitting the ground with a thud. Blood spills out of his wounds and into the dirt.
 "Why?`

 `> Jake English says "Dirk don't diiiiiiiiiiie"
 You raise your hands up in horror, realizing what you've done.
 "Meliodas!" you scream. "We have to save him!"
 "Too late," Meliodas says.
 "He`

 `> John Egbert says "HOLY SHIT, DIRK!!"`

 `> timeausTestified says "WHO JUST FUCKING SHOT ME WHAT THE FUCK?!"
 "
 's dead."
 "Correct."
 "Why?!?" you ask, falling to your knees. "Why did you kill timeaus?"
 "I didn't kill him!"
 "Meliodas!"
 ""Holy soprano," timeaus says.
 "What have you done?appears behind you, holding a crowbar.
 "Dave!
 "How did he get here so quickly?" you ask.
 "I don't know! I just woke up and he was here!`

 `> John Egbert says "TIMAEUS??"
 "I think so," Meliodas says. "His mind is... I don't even know how to describe it. So real, yet fake at the same time."
 "That's the demon talking,"`

 `> Jake English choke on Meliodas throat.`

 `> Dave Strider says "Damn bro, did you straight up fucking die??"`

 `"What the hell are you?"
 "Don't talk to him. He's a demon,"
 "Meliodas!"Meliodas, don't listen to him!"
 "Too late," Meliodas says. "The chain is already in place."
 "You let him get inside your head?
 Meliodas goes godtier."
 You feel your soul being slowly ripped apart as the otherworldly voice calls out to you.
 "Dave, I have your soul! Give me your power!"
 "NO!`

 `> John Egbert says "TIMEAUSTESTIFIED!!!"
 The demon appears, holding his broken crowbar.
 "Dave, I will give you the power to kill your friends, and destroy everything you love!"
 "I'm not going to do it, you piece of..."
 THE JUJU`

 `> Jake English slap the demon.
 IS CAUGHT IN THE CROWBAR, A FEW INCHES FROM YOUR FACE!"
 The demon disappears, and the crowbar tumbles to the ground.
 "Dave?`

 `> Dave Strider "GIVE MY SOUL BACK STOP IT!"`

 `The demon disappears, and your soul is spared.
 "Thank you, English," Meliodas says.
 "What for?" you ask.
 "For reminding him that he's human."Meliodas picks up the crowbar and swings it at you.
 "NO! Stop!"
 You turn around and begin running, before you feel yourself suddenly teleported.`

 `> Jake English says "WTF IS GOING ON "`

 `> John Egbert find a spot on the moon away from everyone and get some rest.
 You are in a dark forest. You look around, but nobody is there. Suddenly, a laugh is heard from the distance.
 "Ha ha ha ha!" the laugh says.You are teleported into an eerie forest, which is completely silent aside from the birds and squirrels. You look around, spotting the broken chain that once was timeaus.
 "No! What are you doing?!"
 The dark forest is where bad cats that are banished from starclan go
 birds eat dirk to die.You begin to walk back to the path, in an attempt to find a way out of here.
 "I have your soul, English!"
 You hear the demon's voice in your head. for breakfast, daggers for lunch, and pistols for dinner
 squirrels store stolen goods in their boots
 "Dave! Come back!"`

 `> John Egbert gets depression.`

 `Suddenly Bluestar's face is in front of your eyes.
 "Escape is futile, English," she says. "You'll never escape death."
 You turn around, spotting her watching you. appears in front of you.
 "Hey brother, why so sad?"
 You stay silent.
 "C'mon, I'll take you to the badgers."`

 `> John Egbert cries himself to sleep.
 "Who dares disturb me?"
 You turn around, spotting the largest , fiercest looking lion you've ever seen.
 "It's just me, StarClan. I'm here to take you to the high council."
 "Really?`

 `> John Egbert is asleep.
 The next day, you meet with the other Clans.
 "Welcome to the Gathering, the greatest gathering of Warriors in the four clans," Firestar says."I trust you have never been to one of these before?"`

 `> timeausTestified is still fucking dead if anyone wishes to revive him!?!??!????
 "Yes, I have," you say.
 "What's your name?" an Elder asks, standing in front of you.
 "John, I'm fifteen."`

 `> Jake English revives timeausTestified.
 The crowd gasps.
 "This is outrageous! We have been tricked! We demand a new Gathering!"
 You're flabbergasted. Who could've done this?`

 `> Jake English is confused.`

 `> John Egbert says "no, i haven't been to one of these, what the fuck is going on?"
 "It can't be... but who else could've done it?"
 "Jake, stop!" you say.
 The crowd roars in anger.
 You wake up.
 "Ah, so you have woken up, good."
 The demon disappears, and the broken crowbar is revealed again.
 "So, where's Meliodas?"`

 `> John Egbert says "are you cats?"
 "I'm Meliodas, the demon."
 "Demon? You're here to help?"
 "I was, until the death of my host. Now, I'm afraid I'm here to take your souls."`

 `> John Egbert says "why am i dreaming cats?"
 "I'm not sure why you're dreaming about us, it's the first time any of my hosts have ever dreamed about us."
 "How come?"
 "Who knows? It just is.`

 `> timeausTestified is once again alive and reunited with Jake. "Thanks, man." he says.
 "So... what do you want from me?" you ask.
 "I want you to kill John, and the one that holds his soul, Jake," Meliodas says.
 The cats start meowling, a sign that the gathering is about to start.
 "Well, that's quite the request," you say. "Do you have any further instructions for me?"
 "I want you to kill all the souls that are here."
 You nod your head.
 Meliodasstar begins to spin.`

 `> timeausTestified starts to walk away. "Okay fuck meliodas we are NOT killing anyone else."`

 `> John Egbert says "can you just let me sleep? i don't want to do whatever you want. i am so tired."
 "Jake, your friend seems to have a problem with that."
 "It's not a problem! I just don't want anymore bloodshed. I mean, it's done, there's no going back now.The demon laughs. "Oh, sure, you want to sleep, do you?"
 "Yes"
 "Okay then," he says. "I'll leave you to it."
 Meliodas disappears, and the crowbar with him. You lie back down, and sleep.
 "Hey!" John says. "What the hell?"
 You wake up, finding yourself back in the library.`

 `> timeausTestified says "John sleep while timeausTestified still can."
 "
 "Don't presume to tell me how to do my business," John says.
 You leave, leaving the now annoyed looking Meliodas behind you.`

 `> John Egbert says "just a dream.."
 You look at your phone. A new message from Catia.
 Catia: Any luck?
 You reply.
 You: Not yet. I'll keep trying.
 Catia: Alrighty then.`

 `> John Egbert go to bed.
 You walk into your house, and go upstairs. You change into your pajamas, and get ready to fall asleep, thinking about Catia. You're definitely going to have to talk to her soon.
 Suddenly John's window creaks open... A dark shadow with sunglasses is illuminated by the lighter it flicks on. "Time to burn Johnny boy" he says, leaning against the wall.
 You go downstairs and grab a book, then head back up to your room. After a while, you decide to give up on sleep and read for a bit.`

 `> John Egbert run away, absolutely terrified.`

 `> timeausTestified grabs daves hand. "Nope. Stop. We aren't doing this again."
 You grab your car keys and rush out the front door. You turn left, driving for a while. You go through several streets, then park in a secluded area."Doing what?"
 "I don't want to have to stop you from fiddling around with time again, that's why."
 "But..."
 "No buts!"
 You pull your hand away.
 Meliodasstar bursts through the pavement, and you feel your entire world collapse around you.
 You wake up.
 "Ah, you're up. I assume that you didn't have a good sleep?`

 `> John Egbert john Egbert runs away from Dave Strider, absolutely terrified.
 "HEY! Where do you think you're going, slacker?"
 "The library! I gotta finish this stupid paper!"
 You turn to leave, then pause. "What was my paper about?"`

 `> Dave Strider says "You can run but you can also be set on fire so take that John you fucking worm"
 "Shut it Strider!"
 "Or what BITCH?"
 You grab your books and rush out of the room.
 "Hey! Get back here!" you hear your name being screamed.
 it was about books right?
 You leave the house, heading to the library.`

 `> John Egbert gives up on finishing John Egbert's paper and keep running away from Dave Strider.
 It's a bright, sunny day. A bird flies overhead, singing a song. An old man walks his dog down the street. Everything seems to be normal.
 You don't know why, but somehow you feel...
 extremely disconcerted.
 What is going on?
 A wave of nausea hits you, and you're hit by a terrible case of the hiccups.`

 `> Dave Strider says "Oh ho ho? Hiccups? Fucking worm."
 "Shut it Strider!"
 Strider bursts towards you, flinging his arms out. You don't have time to react as you feel an iron grip clamp around your throat.`

 `> John Egbert starts crying from how awful everything is.
 "Please, somebody help me!" you choke out.
 Strider twists your head, closing your windpipe, before releasing you. You collapse on the ground, desperately trying to suck air into your lungs.`

 `> John Egbert uses wind powers to get some air.`

 `Meliodasstar begins healing your woundsYou gasp for air, before your lungs finally manage to fill. You stand up, trying not to vomit from the pain.. "Why so sad, little one?"
 "You... You're not real."
 "Of course I'm real.
 Meliodas`

 `> Dave Strider starts choking out John screaming "DON'T YOU DARE TALK BACK TO ME YOU HEAR ME?!"
 starts to glow, blinding you. You try to shield your eyes from the sheer whiteness of the glowing magic emanating from him.
 "I'm the king of make believe."
 You take a look around.You put your hand to your head, trying to think. "Why did you kill my father?"
 "I didn't kill your father."
 "Then who the hell did?"
 "Someone more powerful."`

 `> timeausTestified grabs a planet-destroying nuke. "I think I'm doing us all a favor with this..."
 "You can't fight a god."
 You look up at the sky, seeing an ominous black cloud. The sound of thunder resonates across the landscape. "What the hell is that?`

 `> John Egbert says "go away, i don't want to talk to you, whoever you are."
 "Fine." Meliodas disappears into the clouds.
 "I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO YOU, EVIL BITCH!" you scream at the top of your lungs, hoping someone will hear you.`

 `> John Egbert just lies down and starts sobbing.
 "Why won't anyone help me?"
 The cloud dissipates, revealing Meliodas. "What's wrong?" she asks.
 "Dave Strider is going to kill me."
 "I can protect you."`

 `> John Egbert says "i don't care!! you're an asshole!!!! go away!!"
 "Please, I just want to help you."
 "You can't help me, nobody can!" you shout. "Go away, leave me alone!"
 "OK," Meliodas disappears into the wind.`

 `> John Egbert says "good riddance."
 The boy continues sobbing.
 "Why are you crying?"
 "I'm scared."
 "I'll protect you."
 "You can't stop death."
 "Maybe I can.`

 `> John Egbert says "do any of John Egbert understand the concept of "alone time?"
 Meliodas is gone, and you're left alone. You continue sobbing.
 Time passes.
 You sit by yourself, with no one to talk to.`

 `> timeausTestified drops the nuke, ending all life as they all know it and everyone everywhere forever.
 No one dies.
 The ground is your only witness as the white light consumes you.`

 `> timeausTestified "Fuck."
 The air is thick with smoke. You cough, hacking up blood. You're lying on the ground, next to the ruins of the Learning Chamber. You slowly pick yourself up.
 "Dave!"`

 `> Dave Strider saunters up to John "You can't escape the hellfire John. I will always make you burn"
 "Dave! What the hell are you doing here?"
 "I was saving your life."
 "By killing everyone?"
 "I didn't kill anyone!`

 `> John Egbert submit to Dave Strider, just wanting to die.
 "I... give up."
 "What?"
 "I surrender."
 "Dave, don't listen to him. He's lying to try to manipulate you.`

 `> John Egbert says "just kill me already. i am so tired."
 "Heh, that's a nice Suit."
 "I don't understand why you're doing this."
 "I'm not doing anything. John is just following his nature, it seems.
 "
 John dies as his body is engulfed in flames, burning to a crisp.
 You sigh, laying down next to him.`

 `> Dave Strider eyes John suspiciously.
 "Alright, now I'm really worried.
 "That was the first time I've ever seen someone's nature. The funny thing is, you actually seem a bit like him."
 "`

 `> John Egbert just lies down crying, accepting his fate.
 "Now THAT is something I'd expect from a golem."
 John lays down, accepting his fate.
 You stand up. "Well, he's dead now. The rest of the ship should be safe."`

 `> timeausTestified drops as second nuke, hopefully exterminating everyone. But there would always be one survivor.. Cindy the cinderblock.
 There's a slight ticking as timeausTestified waits.
 She lowers the gun, aiming at Cindy the Cinderblock. "One... Two..." She fires.
 Dave lights up John one last time. John's body engulfed in flames. You are left as a blackened corpse, your fate already sealed by time.
 The air sizzles as the last bit of oxygen disappears.
 Dave lies down next to John's charred corpse "I guess ending it yourself is justified huh"
 "I guess it is"`

 `> John Egbert revive, as it was not heroic nor just.
 You stand up, groggily rubbing your head. You look at the two corpses.
 "Well, it's done. The Two satyr and the golem. It's over.`

 `> John Egbert continues crying, knowing that there is no escape.
 "But why?"
 "Life goes on."
 "But my Life is over! I'm just a kid!"
 "There's many times in ones life where they feel as such.
 Dave sighs in a very sit-comlike fashion. Don't worry John. We can have fun like this forever now.
 There's the sound of sirens in the distance. "I think they're here."
 Dave begins laughing.`

 `> John Egbert says "dave strider, why are you doing this to me?"
 "I don't know John, but I have no more answers for you now. Just go on living I guess."
 John continues crying.
 "What's wrong with you?"
 Dave is now crying.`

 `> John Egbert says "you used to be my best friend, and now..."
 "I don't know, but I can't be your friend anymore."
 "But why?"
 "Life goes on. You'll find someone new I'm sure."`

 `> Dave Strider maybe this is for the best.
 "I don't know, I guess."
 John continues crying.
 "But why?"
 "Life goes on."
 "But my life is over!"
 "Not for long, you'll be fine."`

 `> timeausTestified kisses Dave Strider.
 "There, there."
 "You knew this would happen."
 "I'm sorry."
 "What are you talking about?"
 "I don't know. But I like you, so let's go."`

 `> gutsyGumshoe says "hot"`

 `> John Egbert says "bye, dave."`

 `> Jake English gag at the stridercest.
 "Bye, John."
 The two of you walk to the sirens."Hah, that's original."
 Dave turns around.
 "So who is it?"
 "Cindy the Cinderblock."
 Dave raises an eyebrow. "Well, that's unusual."I just realized, neither of you are striders."
 "Yeah, it's a pretty recent development."
 "I have to say, I'm a little disappointed in the two of you."
 "Why?"
 gamzee`

 `> Dave Strider leans into the kiss, slowly slipping his hand under his shirt.
 pokes his head out of the hatch."Because, you were my favorite eternals."
 Dave makes an angry noise.You start running, leaving the two of them to it.
 "So, why did you start smoking?"
 "I'm sorry.`

 `> John Egbert gives john one last hug before leaving him forever.
 "Bye, my friend.
 Dave is silent for a moment."Well...goodbye, John.`

 `> John Egbert says "bye."
 "So are you going to leave the ship?"
 You shrug your shoulders.
 "Where would I go?`

 `> John Egbert don't know. John Egbert think John Egbert am just going to go home and figure it out then.`

 `> Dave Strider takes a moment. Taking in the silence. And then Dave sets himself on fire, ending his tortured life.
 "Good plan."
 Dave heads down the ladder, leaving you alone. You stay up there, pondering your future. There is literally nothing to go back to. This ship is your home now."Well, it was nice while it lasted.
 A soft beep is heard. The shuttle's engines are shutting off."You turn around.
 "I have to go.
 ==> [s] commence incest`

 `> timeausTestified burns himself aswell, ridding himself from the sins from this world.`

 `You follow your sister's lead, and descend the ladder. The two of you walk into the lounge. Upon entering, a man with black hair and green eyes looks up. It's Mindich.The hatch closes and the ship is left alone once more.
 "It's done.
 You smile, running your hands through your hair."Yeah...
 Jade Harley ImmedIately breaks up the strIders, sInce they are brothers! You sit behind Mindich in English.`

 `> John Egbert heads back to his house, lies in bed, and stares at the ceiling, contemplating everything that has happened.
 You lean against the doorway, watching John. He's been in his house for a while now. The two of you look at each other for a moment, and then you leave him alone.
 timeausTestified and Dave Strider commit ritual suicide. Setting each other on fire.
 Mindich and Yag stare at each other, then Mindich grins and sits next to you. He hands you a book.
 "What's this?"
 "It's a story."`

 `> Jake English goes to his house and sleeps.`

 `> timeausTestified died together with his true love,.
 "I'll read it to you."
 You nod, and Mindich begins to read. The story is boring as hell, and you quickly lose interest. You put the book down, and begin to daydream."What do you mean?"
 "It's a story. You read it and you'll understand."
 You raise an eyebrow, but take the book.
 Jade Harley resurrects Dave and Dirk. You close your eyes, trying to fall asleep.
 "What's your name?"
 "timeausTestified."
 "I'm sorry to have bothered you."
 You wake up, and look around.She tries to convince Mindich to leave with her, but he refuses.
 You continue to daydream, and hours later you hear a booming voice."What are you doing in there?"`

 `> Dave Strider wails and sobs in pain.
 "What? It's not a big deal."
 The hatch opens, and a dead man is strapped to a table, eyes closed. You back away in terror.
 "What's going on?`

 `> Dave Strider starts screaming at Jade Harley in pure anguish.
 "I've asked you a question!"
 You stare at the man, and he stares back.
 "What did you do to him?"
 Mindich sighs, and puts the gun down.`

 `> Jake English wake up and go to Dirk's house.
 "I can't tell you. You'll have to work it out yourself."
 You shrug, and decide to go home.
 Dirk's house is empty, so you head to your house.`

 `> timeausTestified begins crying. "Why can't you just let us die."
 Mindich sighs.
 "Fine. He's dead. Now you can go home."
 You raise an eyebrow, and begin walking to your house. You get there ten minutes later.`

 `> timeausTestified grabs Jake's hand, because unlike the AI says, his house is infact not empty.
 Mindich shuts the door in your face. "You're not getting in there."
 "Do you want me to leave?"
 "Don't mind him, he's just a bit nervous.`

 `> John Egbert now has crippling depression.`

 `> Dave Strider sets himself on fire again.
 You continue to stare at the door, and after a few minutes it opens again. Mindich appears, gun in hand.
 "Sorry about that. He's not very talkative, is he?"Are you crazy?"
 You walk outside, staring at the burning figure. "I have to do this."
 Mindich sighs. "Fine. But be careful."
 You smile.
 Dirk calls his sugardaddy, Obama, for emotional support.
 You walk outside, staring at the burning figure. "I have to do this."
 Mindich sighs. "Fine. But be careful."
 You smile.
 Jade, unfazed by the chaos, decides to blast of to space.`

 `> Jake English leave Dirk and go to John's house.
 She is missed.
 You walk outside, staring at the burning figure. "I have to do this."
 Mindich sighs. "Fine. But be careful."
 You smile."I can't tell you. You'll have to work it out yourself."
 You shrug, and decide to go home.
 Dirk's house is empty, so you head to your house.
 dirk`

 `> John Egbert wonders why Dave Strider suddenly became such an awful person.
 's house is empty, so you head to your house.`

 `dirk's house is empty, so you head to your house.`

 `Dirk's house is empty, so you head to your house.You walk outside, staring at the burning figure. "I have to do this."
 Mindich sighs. "Fine. But be careful."
 You smile.`

 `> Jake English says "John why are you sad"
 He's really, really sad. "I don't know. I was having fun until now."
 "What happened?"
 "A girl I liked killed herself.
 "Oh.
 Dork 1: "Hey, are you gonna go to that party?"
 Dork 2: "Yeah, it's gonna be fun."
 You shake your head. "Maybe."`

 `> John Egbert says "wait, what? no. a girl i liked didn't kill herself, what am i saying?"
 You sigh and continue your walk home. "I don't know. I'm just having a really bad day."
 "Why not just not go?"
 "Because it would be stupid.`

 `> Dave Strider says "strolls up and says "Whats up bro?"
 You frown. "Not much."
 "Ah, well thats good." He takes a swig out of his can, before continuing. "So, you go to Woodview, right?"
 You nod.`

 `> John Egbert says "dave started trying to kill me, and this idiot wouldn't leave me alone, and i got sent to the moon, and..."
 "So, you going to that party?"
 You shrug. "I don't know. I'm not really in a partying mood."
 "Ah, well you never know, you might have fun, dude."`

 `> timeausTestified holds daves hand.
 "Don't worry. I'll be there with you."
 He smiles, before going quiet.
 "I can hear them."
 "Who?`

 `> John Egbert says "i don't think i will. i just feel awful."
 "Why?"
 "I tried to kill myself."
 He stares at you, before bursting out laughing. "Ahahaha... nah, you wouldn't."
 You stare at him, before bursting out laughing.
 Dave searches up the best comic of all time on mspfa.com.
 "Ahahaha... nah, you wouldn't."
 You stare at him, before bursting out laughing.
 Dave searches up the best comic of all time on mspfa.com.
 "Ahahaha... nah, you wouldn't."
 You stare at him, before bursting out laughing.
 Dave searches up the best comic of all time on mspfa.com."So, you going to that party?"
 You shrug. "I don't know. I'm not really in a partying mood."
 "Ah, well you never know, you might have fun, dude."`

 `> Dave Strider says "I always feel safe in Dave Strider's tender arms, Dirk..." "
 You laugh. "Just like a girl."
 Dave stares at you.
 "What?" You ask defensively.
 "Nothing." He replies, before bursting out laughing.
 Suddenly Meliodas appears in front of you.`

 `> Jake English says "FUCK PARTIES OK"
 Dave looks at him, confused.
 "Why are you here?"
 "I was talking to Jake. Who are you?"
 "Uh, I'm... I'm just some guy." You reply nervously.
 His hot bod`

 `> timeausTestified holds dave tightly. "I'm never letting you go, bro."
 starts to get you uncomfortable.
 "Well I better go."
 "Alright." He says, before turning to you.Dave stares at him.
 "Are you two... together?"
 You nod eagerly, before he bursts out laughing. "Sorry to burst your gay bubble, but you're not his type."
 Homosexual has`

 `> John Egbert says "are those brothers...what the hell, oh my god."
 never been an issue for you, but you try to hide it, in case someone like Meliodas comes along and uses it against you.You stare at him.
 "What?"
 "Dude, you're dating your brother."
 "It's not a big deal!"
 "It is if you two are actually brother and cousin.`

 `> Jake English says "EW DIRK WHY"
 He looks shocked.
 "How do you not know?"
 "I just don't care!" You shout, annoyed by the question.
 "Alright, alright, I'm just asking because it's odd."
 Dave looks at John with spite, and just to prove a point he starts undressing his big brother, Dirk, sensually."
 "HEY!" You shout, annoyed that he'd do such a thing in front of you.
 Dave shrugs, before picking up the discus and throwing it at you.`

 `> John Egbert says "YOU ARE LITERALLY FUCKING BROTHERS!!! THIS IS DISGUSTING!!!"
 You jump back to avoid the flying discus, which breaks into two and goes into your legs.
 "How the hell is this fair?" You scream, as it pours with sweat.
 Meliodas punches John for his insolence and`

 `> John Egbert says "dave what the hell is wrong with you?!"
 forces him to his knees.
 "Tell him, Dirk."
 "He wouldn't know, he's a spineless pre-pubescent faggot."`

 `> Jake English slap Dirk.
 Dave stares at him.
 "What? I don't like him."
 "Then why the hell did you do that for?"
 "He was being a dweeb, as usual."You stare in awe at the scene in front of you. John stands in front of him, but he's smaller and much weaker.
 "Dave!" You scream, unable to believe what you're seeing.`

 `> timeausTestified angrily looks at Jake. "Maybe if you hadn't came to my house and left 3 times in a row I woudln't be this lonely." he says.
 "Dave, you're going to get us all killed!" You yell.
 He shrugs and grabs the discus.
 "Are you done?" He looks at Meliodas.
 "Yep."
 John's Is fucking dead.
 You stare in shock, and then run.
 "Dave! I'm leaving!" You yell as you run away.
 "I'm coming too!" He shouts as he chases you down.
 John's skull cracks open like a water melon from a casual punch by your cousin.
 "Dave!" You scream as you see him run past you, and in your peripheral you can see Meliodas watching you both.`

 `> John Egbert revives.
 You kneel down and press your hand to the wet grass.
 "John! Can you hear me?!!"
 Your green eyes scan the grass, until they find his purple and yellow ones.`

 `> Jake English ban incest.
 "I think it's obvious that we shouldn't be having this conversation."
 A/N: Thanks for reading! Please like and comment, and I hope you enjoyed!`

 `> John Egbert comes back to life.
 You take your hand off of the dead body.
 "No, but I'm fairly certain you wouldn't want me to date your brother." You reply sarcastically.`

 `> John Egbert says "what the fuck just happened?"
 "I don't know, and I don't care. I'm going back inside."
 You head back inside the house, but you can still hear the two arguing.
 "I thought you were my friend."
 Jade stares at the scene before her in shock.
 "No...no he's my cousin."`

 `> Jake English eavesdrop on them.
 "So you're dating your cousin?"
 "Yeah, what of it?"
 "Nothing, it's just I had no idea. Do you have a brother?"
 "No.`

 `> John Egbert says "yes!! yes you do!!"
 "What? No. I have a cat."
 "Oh. Well, cousin then."
 "Fine. cousin."
 The two stop arguing and go their seperate ways.`

 `> timeausTestified "Wait who is dating whos cousin and what the fucking fuck?"
 A/N: Please read and review! Thanks for reading!`

 `> Dave Strider struts up with his lover Dirk Strider.
 "What's going on?"
 "It seems that my brother has come out of the closet."
 "Oh, good for him I suppose.`

 `> Dave Strider says "What's up you homophobes?"`

 `> John Egbert walks over to dave strider and timaeusTestified.
 "Huh?"
 "You heard him."
 "Yeah...it's just...wait aren't you gay?"
 "No.
 "Yes..."
 "...no, I just prefer the company of women."
 ""Hey, dave. What's up with your girlfriend? She looks a little...fucked up.
 They kiss each other, and it seems that dave doesn't mind at all.
 "She's not my girlfriend."
 "Oh, well then what's going on?"
 "We're just having a bit of fun."`

 `> Jake English gags.
 The two look at you, and dirk begins laughing.
 "What the hell is so funny?" You ask.
 "That's what I'd like to know. Why is a bunch of teenagers spying on us?"`

 `> John Egbert says "what the hell are you two doing?!! you're brothers!!!"
 "Yeah, but we're both hot for his brother."
 "Well...I guess you could say that, but..."
 "Just say you're having sexual tension."
 "Okay...
 Jade screams. "STOP IT WITH THE INCEST!!!"`

 `> Dave Strider says "What the fuck Dirk I thought we were going exclusive!?"`

 `"Well it does seem to be a theme today."
 Dirk walks over to you and looks at your neck.
 "What the hell happened to you?`

 `> stoicalScepticism dies.
 "Well you did think wrong, if you want the exclusive you'll have to kill him yourself."
 "Hah! That's funny, Jake said the same thing about you..."
 "What!?
 They arousal can't be contained any longer"Nevermind, just get the hell out of here."
 "Sure thing, but I'm just wondering how you're going to pay me. I'm not doing this for free you know.", both of you begin having violent sexual fantasies involving yourself and your love.
 "Ha ha! I can't wait to get home and..."`

 `> John Egbert says "no, like.. dave, timeausTestified, you two are BROTHERS you can't be DATING!!"
 "Well actually we are."
 The two get up and begin to walk towards you, John with an angered look on his face and dirk with a smug one.
 Karkat walks into the room. "WHAT THE FUCK"S GOING ON!?"
 "Dave has a little brother and he's gay."
 Karkat looks at you in disbelief.
 "I'm serious." You reply.
 "You...`

 `> Jake English revive stoicalScepticism.
 Karkat pauses.
 "Well. I guess I can see it from your point of view."
 You stare at Karkat.
 "Thank you."
 "That's it!"`

 `> stoicalScepticism shits al over the floor.`

 `> John Egbert says "what are you talking about??"
 "Dave's been spying on us!"
 "I am NOT!!"
 "He just admitted to doing it!"
 "He's lying!"
 "Well then what did he do?`

 `> timeausTestified says "I have no idea what's going on. timeausTestified keep doing and saying things timeausTestified don't mean to say."
 "
 "Well, dirk has come out of the closet. I have a little brother who's gay."
 "I have no idea what you're talking about."
 "You just admitted to spying on us!`

 `> John Egbert says "you don't even have a little brother, you're twins!!"
 "Whatever. The point is, he's a spy. Get him!"
 "No, the point is, he's not a spy. He's just misunderstood.`

 `> Hat man never really was on Hat man's side.
 You nod.
 "Yeah, you're right. I have no idea what's going on either. Anyway, I'll see you two around."
 You walk away. Karkat watches you go.`

 `> John Egbert says "i don't even care that he's gay, what about it?"
 "He's not like the rest of us. He's a spy."
 "So are you."
 Karkat stops you. "Wait. What do you mean he's not like us?
 Jade, not sure what the hell is going on anymore, slaps everyone in the room.
 "What the hell is this?"
 "I'll explain everything, but you've got to calm down."
 "Calm down? What the hell is going on?`

 `> John Egbert says "SPIES??! WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE TALKING ABOU??!"
 "Okay, okay."
 You take a deep breath and explain everything that happened so far. The fact that the voicebox came from a ghost. The part about you having to collect it from his house.`

 `> stoicalScepticism "what the hell is going on?"`

 `> John Egbert says "WHAT?!?"
 "So we're dealing with ghosts. What's the problem?"
 "This is literally the scariest thing that's happened in years. There's a ghost out there planning something and you drag us into this."
 "You're not really worried are you?"
 "I don't know what to do!"
 "Don't worry, I'll think of something.`

 `> Dave Strider starts having a mental breakdown because of all this hate.`

 `> timeausTestified says "Dave, lets get out of here. Too many spies and homophobes."
 You and Karkat sit next to each other on your bed, thinking.
 "Maybe we could go to Dave's house." You suggest.
 "Good idea, let's go."You run away.
 "He's right, let's go."
 "Should we go to the authorities?"
 "No-o-o-o-o!"
 "Oh come on!`

 `> Jake English fucking cries.
 Karkat slaps you upside the head. "Wake up!"
 "Huh?"
 "The ghost just saved our asses! Don't you remember?"
 "Ghost? What are you on about?
 Jade slaps everyone again, but harder.`

 `> John Egbert says "I AM NOT HOMOPHOBIC, IT'S JUST DISGUSTING THAT YOU TWO ARE BROTHERS AND YOU ARE DATING!"`

 `> Dave Strider says "Let's go Dirk you sexy animal."
 "Stop being so stupid! We have to go save our asses!"
 "Oh, right. Okay."Karkat rolls his eyes."Dave, I don't think we should-"
 "Oh come on!"
 Dave and Dirk leave.
 "Are you leaving?"
 "Yeah. It's stupid to even stay here."`

 `> John Egbert says "I"
 You grab John.
 "Don't follow them, you'll just get yourself killed!"
 He screams at you.
 "Yeah, what are you going to do about it?"`

 `> Jake English slap dave and dirk.`

 `> Hat man sings the song of canada.
 "Yeah, what are you going to do about it?"
 "Dave, stop it!"
 "Stop what?"
 "You know what.`

 `> John Egbert says "I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC YOU ASSHOLES!"
 "I'm not going to sit here and let you act like a bunch of little boys. I'm leaving."
 "Go ahead, you non-brave little ponce!"You sigh and sit down.
 "If you weren't homophobic, you would have been one of them by now." You say to yourself.
 You look up at John who stands shocked.
 "I like guys."`

 `> Jake English says "DAVE AND DIRK WHATS WRONG WITH YOU"`

 `> Hat man ... what.
 You turn to your left and see Jake, still in his leather duster.
 "W-what are you doing here?"
 "Surveilling the neighborhood I guess. Who are these idiots?""You're not homophobic?"
 "What? No! Of course not!"
 "I like guys, in fact I like you!"
 "Oh..."He doesn't seem to know how to take that.`

 `> John Egbert says "what?"`

 `> stoicalScepticism dies.
 "Well, I think that's enough dancing. It was fun while it lasted."
 John nods nervously and they start to leave when...
 BANG!
 They hear the gunshot, followed by cheers from the Wolves."What?"
 "You said you liked me."
 "Oh, uh, yeah."
 "You do right? You don't just say something like that unless it's true."`

 `> John Egbert says "you like me? who even are you?"
 "I think I might know who you are."
 "I'm your big brother, actually."
 "Oh. Well then, you're grown up now."
 "Yeah, that too."`

 `> John Egbert says "wh-"
 "BANG!"
 The sound of a gunshot is heard. You look down at John. His eyes are open, but he's staring at the ceiling. Blood is dripping from his mouth.`

 `> Hat man oh goody firearms and deadly bullets just what they all needed.
 You put your hands to your head.
 "I can't take this anymore!"You shout, running for the nearest exit.
 BANG!
 The man who just shot at you turns around.`

 `> John Egbert comes back to life.
 John rolls over in his grave and sits up, still groggy."Hey what just happened?"
 You don't say anything.
 "You alright?"
 You nod.
 "Alright, good."He pauses.
 Karkat places his head in his hands and takes deep breaths. "THIS IS ALL A DREAM. IM GOING TO WAKE UP. COUNT TO THREE AND ILL WAKE UP. ONE.. TWO... THREEE-OH GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I'M STILL HERE"
 He pauses once again, this time to laugh a bit.
 "You know, this would actually be a pretty funny joke if it wasn't my entire life."
 You try to speak, but nothing comes out.
 INCEST GETS BANNED !!!!
 He looks at you with a serious face."BUT MOTHER I LOVE YOU !"
 He starts to laugh again.`

 `> stoicalScepticism yells WH4T TH3 H3LL IS H4PP3NING.
 Karkat stops laughing, but continues his heavy breathing.
 "This isn't good..."
 Suddenly he stands up."WE GOTTA GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"
 "What? Wait!"`

 `> John Egbert says "anyway, you aren't my brother. i don't even have a brother, i just have a twin sister."
 Karkat turns around. "Dude, you don't even have a twin sister! Get real!`

 `> Jake English says "What is going on"
 Dude, get real. You're an awkward fag. You don't even have a twin."
 "Well, I'm pretty sure you have a brother."
 "Fine! I have a little brother!`

 `> John Egbert says "i do!"
 Karkat raises an eyebrow."Shit, I thought so. Alright let's get out of here.
 "Hey, what about my brother?"
 "What about him?"
 "Well...you know...`

 `> John Egbert says "jade harley!!"`

 `> Hat man didnt Hat man get shot.`

 `Karkat stares at you with a blank expression."Jade who?"
 "Um...the girl i like."
 "Oooh, alright then."
 Karkat pauses.Karkat starts laughing."Shit, he didn't take your suggestion too seriously. Alright, alright, we'll get him."
 He gets out his phone and makes a quick call.`

 `> Hat man got shot Hat man guess.`

 `> John Egbert says "huh?? what??? no, i don't like jade! she's my sister you idiot!"
 Karkat hangs up.
 "Alright, she's on her way. In the meantime, I think it would be a good idea if you got out of here."
 "Yeah, yeah, alright."
 Karkat laughs some more and puts his phone away.
 Karkat runs away to live in the woods, flipping the bird as he goes. "FUCK YOU GUYS! YOU'RE ALL INSANE!"
 You leave the asylum, unsure of what to make of all this. You go back home and wait.
 You spend the next couple of days living at your house.`

 `> Hat man jade is cute.`

 `> timeausTestified walks over to Jake and sits next to him. "Dude, can we talk?" he says.
 You get a text from a number you don't recognize.
 Who is this?
 You look through your phone and see a few numbers that you've blocked, but you don't recognize this one.
 You answer.`

 `> John Egbert says "and jake did you just call someone a...fag?"
 "Yeah, sure," Jake says, motioning for him to sit down.
 TimeausTestified looks around first."I don't want to talk too loud.
 You look around to see if anyone heard him. Thankfully, everyone is too distracted by the news on the big screen TV.
 "Yes."
 "Um...I just wanted to say that I like you too."`

 `> John Egbert says "what?"
 "Yes. I like you too."
 "Wow."
 "Yeah, so um..."
 TimeausTestified looks around again and clears his throat.`

 `> Hat man dun dun daaa.`

 `> John Egbert says "no!!"
 "Yeah, so..."
 You look down at your phone. An unknown message.
 From who?
 You open it.
 John, you've made the right decision.
 Jake's P.O."I was wondering if you would...well..."
 "Wait, so what did you want to say?"
 "I wanted to ask you out."
 "WHAT!?`

 `> John Egbert says "i don't like anyone in this room romantically!!!"`

 `> Jake English says "I like you"
 "Well, I just...you know..."
 "No! I mean, no I don't. What the hell kind of question is that?
 "I just wanted to ask you out."
 "What?
 "I..."
 TimeausTestified suddenly screams."Don't say anything you're going to make it harder to not say it!"
 "Um, alright."
 "Yeah."
 "Yeah?`

 `> Hat man sips tea watching the madness.
 "Yeah."
 "Yeah!"
 "Yeah."
 "Yeah!"
 "Yeah."
 "Yeah."
 "Yeah."
 "Yeah."
 "Yeah."
 "Yeah."
 "Yeah.
 Karkat has become a woods hermit. He is now one with nature. He eats only wild game, sleeps in caves, and has been known to do long distance trips in search of new herbs and edible plants. He rarely leaves the woods and is rarely seen by people.`

 `> John Egbert says "WHY IS EVERYTHING AROUND ME SO FUCKING INCESTUOUS AND GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
 You and Karkat are now in your new apartment, a nice one bedroom for you both.
 "So, uh, you still interested in going out?
 Suddenly another Karkat appears from the future."
 "Yeah, definitely. You're perfect!"
 "Perfect? I'm not perfect! I've done some stupid things in the past."
 "`

 `> John Egbert says "what?! no!! i don't even like you, karkat! do you remember when i said i wasn't gay? that still applies!"
 "Yeah, I know. That's why you'll be perfect."
 You walk away in disgust."
 "Perfect? Are you still high or something? I'm not perfect!`

 `> timeausTestified looks around. "Jake, I'm going to be real. I can't tell what's real and what's not. I don't even know if I'm talking to you or an AI."
 "Well, you're talking to me."
 "I'm aware, but I don't know if I'm actually speaking to you or an AI."
 "Look, just tell me what's going on, alright?"`

 `> Jake English says "Dirk I'm going to ban incest"
 "Okay."
 "Is he a good kisser?"
 "Yeah, he's good."
 "Oh, this just gets better and better. Are you sure he doesn't have any weird diseases or anything?"`

 `> John Egbert says "OKAY, LET ME MAKE SOME THINGS CLEAR BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS. I DO NOT LIKE ANYBODY IN THIS ROOM ROMANTICALLY!!!"
 "Yeah, I know. That's why you'll be perfect.`

 `> Jake English says "No I said I'm going to ban incest"`

 `> timeausTestified says "That would probably be a good idea, Jake."
 "Yeah."
 "Well, I'll be damned. Well, guess it's good I'm not into guys."
 "You're into guys?"
 "Yeah, but you knew that already."Oh, okay then."
 "I don't like him."
 "Yeah, but you'll like him better once we get him broken in.`

 `> Hat man nope.`

 `> John Egbert says "NO, SHUT UP!!!"
 "Yeah, well I'm going to go get him, you stay here and think about how much you want to bone him."
 "You're such a woman.
 John unbuckles
 Karkat and future Karkat battle for superiority."Yeah."
 "I don't know why I listen to you."
 "You'll find out soon enough."
 "Yeah, and then you'll hate me.
 "Oh, we'll get you adjusted. his pants and strokes his own face.
 "Oh Jake, you're so fine."
 He takes his hand out of his pants and begins to lick it.
 "Um, John?"
 "Hm?"
 The battle ends when John shuts off the computer.
 "Done?"
 "Yeah, just go lay down."
 "Do you have to leave in the middle of the...`

 `> John Egbert says "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?"
 "Yeah, it's a long story."
 "Can't you just tell me?"
 "I'm really thirsty, can I have some water?"
 "Yeah, you can have the whole bottle."
 Suddenly another karkat appears from the future."
 "What are you doing?!"
 "I can't let him have all the water."
 "Who are you?"
 "This is the dude that's going to break him in.`

 `> John Egbert runs out of the room, so fed up with whatever the hell is going on.
 You put down the bottle.
 "I'm thirsty!"
 "No, you're not."
 "I am! I'm really, really, really, really thirsty.
 Meliodas pops out of your shirt."
 "Are you seriously refusing a thirsty demon?"
 "Yeah, because he looks like a girl."
 Meliodas pouts."
 "Alright, fine, here."`

 `> gutsyGumshoe calls the police to report a sexual assault case.
 The other karkat seems to ponder the morality of your action."
 "Well, I don't want to do anything bad."
 "Don't do anything bad."
 "Don't do anything."
 "`

 `> Jake English says "THATS IT IM LEAVING TO MY HOUSE FUCK THIS"
 You shake your head."Yeah, you can have the water. You better get some sleep though, we're leaving soon."
 "Where are we going?"
 "None of your concern.`

 `> John Egbert says "what?!? you can have my water, i don't care!!!"
 "Yeah, but I'm not giving you the bottle."
 The other karkat grins."
 "Alright, I'll see you soon."
 "See you soon.
 Dirk breaks free from his narrative constraints. He has now become his ultimate self! "Fuck y'all I'm out." He says, then blasts off in his stupid Guren Lagan cosplay.
 You return to the present.
 Everyone is at the town hall where the mayor is Jane`

 `> John Egbert says "EVERYONE LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU'RE ALL SO FUCKING STUPID!!!!!!!"
 ."
 "This is terrible! How could something like this happen?"
 "Well, the general consensus seems to be that it was an accident. Like a really bad accident.John slams his fists on the table and stands up."
 Everyone stays silent.
 "I have been friends with everyone in this room for as long as I can remember.`

 `> timeausTestified follows Jake quietly. "Jake... I'm sorry for everything. Really." he says.
 "meh, fine." he says and leaves.
 There is a moment of silence before the mayor speaks again.
 "Anyway, I called this meeting to see what we can do about this...accident."
 Pardon me? My Guren Lagan cosplay is epic and interlectual. It should be preserved as a lesson for all time. It's the only thing keeping me sane."
 The mayor gulps nervously. "Well, uh, everyone seems to agree that what you were wearing was the culprit.`

 `> Jake English says "Its ok Dirk I still love you :("
 "I'm gonna miss it." You say sadly.
 "You won't be able to sleep..."
 "Don't start Jake.`

 `> John Egbert says "i...i don't even know anymore."
 "Yeah me neither." You say with a sigh.
 Suddenly, the whole room goes dark. Everyone looks around in alarm and you find yourself drawing your sword.
 The mayor stands up.`

 `> John Egbert says "oh goddamnit, more stupid bullshit."
 "I don't know what's going on, but if we're in for some serious trouble, we're going to need to be prepared. I'll be back."`

 `> John Egbert says "i hate you all, goodbye."
 You walk off into the darkness alone.`

 `> Jake English says "Man it just keeps going on"
 Suddenly you're back in the present.
 The mayor begins.
 John explodes from sexual tension.
 "You're excused too, John."
 "Ok!"
 The mayor continues.`

 `> John Egbert finds his way back to his house.
 "Why does this keep happening to me?"
 You enter your room and find the other you asleep. You sit at your desk and stare at your diploma.
 That was...weird.`

 `> John Egbert lies down, contemplating how awful everything is right now.`

 `How many johns are there?You wake up at 8am.
 Everyone is already awake and chatting outside.
 "HEY GET OUT OF THERE!"
 The vines vanish and the door opens.
 How many me's?
 What will happen to the world if there are two of everything?
 This isn't good...
 Out of the blue, Aradia Megido and Sollux Captor appear! "oh my isnt this interesting!" Aradia says. "john do you want some help?"`

 `> Jake English says "Hey John you don't seem to be ok"`

 `> timeausTestified grabs jakes hand. "You wanna go back to my place?" he asks looking up at his eyes.`

 `He looks confused."uh...yeah..."
 Sollux says."Aradia, leave us."
 "Fine!" she says and disappears.
 What will happen next?"He's been like that since yesterday, Jake." Olive says.
 "well let's just get to the bottom of this then."
 You're the only one who can save both you and the future.Suffice to say, you don't want to go back to your place.
 Who is going to win the fight between Jake and timeaus?
 You begin to get really bored really quickly.
 TEN FIFTEEN ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SIX
 As it stands, timeaus has a lot more energy and the determination to fight.
 Do you try to talk to him or leave him alone?
 five
 A familiar voice rings out, now in double. "TIME TO BURN JOHN"...
 Four...
 three...
 Two...
 ONE...
 The two of you BOTH say "Hi!" at the same time and laugh uncontrollably.
 "so do you want to see my power?"
 "dick"
 Your house explodes, destroying the surrounding houses.
 At least you think that's what happened. You're not sure because you blacked out.
 How many me's?`

 `> John Egbert says "NO, PLEASE DON'T BURN ME TO DEATH!!"
 "Sorry about that, it's just it's not every day you see someone with two dicks."
 Well that was certainly unexpected.`

 `> John Egbert says "WHAT?"
 "Two dicks, as I said."
 This is not good...
 "Look, just take your clothes off and lie down on the bed and I'll heal you up in a jiffy."
 Suddenly Obama pulls Dirk into a loving embrace. "Dirk's been through a lot and could use some tender loving care right about now."
 It is at this point you lose it completely and start laughing until you cry.`

 `> Jake English prevent John from getting burned.
 You walk up to the both of them and attempt to get their attention.
 "HEY WAIT!"
 They turn to look at you.`

 `> John Egbert says "OH MY GOD, NO, I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
 This is not going well.
 "Just hold on, I'll heal you."
 Your attempt to calm the both of them is futile. The man and the kids laugh uncontrollable as they take their clothes off.
 "0kay take my hand" Sollux says. Awkwardly, John grasps his, and the two of them teleport away.
 Where did they go?
 Sollux is left in the room with you and Olive.
 "What just happened?" he asks.
 "I have no idea, I'll explain later.`

 `> John Egbert says "NO, NO NO NO STOP"
 "We're going to be late for school!" Olive says, grabbing her bag.
 "I'm not going, I don't go anymore."`

 `> John Egbert leaves with sollux.`

 `> Jake English screams.
 You have chosen to leave John behind.
 John seems to think that you made the right choice. "Thank you for leaving me with them, they're very...friendly."You start to feel nauseous.
 You run out of the room and throw up in the hallway.
 How many me's?
 5
 Who is the most hated?
 Timeaus or Sollux?
 Who is the least hated?`

 `> Jake English jake.`

 `The naked men in the room with John begin to chuckle... Taking off their masks they reveal they are all John.You begin to panic as you see them approach you.
 "What the hell is wrong with you? I told you to leave with them!" your mom says.
 "I couldn't do it!" you exclaim.
 Frankly
 "Well, this is just fantastic." he says.
 "Sorry about that, we'll fix you up in no time!" one of them says, and they teleport away., you're too scared to continue and run into your room. You lock the door and turn on your PC, wanting to block out the disturbing sight.
 John Egbert is finally allowed some peace and quiet, and he cries himself to sleep.
 John Egbert doesn't even know what to do anymore.
 In a few weeks, the school year starts again.
 You avoid the rest of the guys in your class, but not before they notice your change in behavior. You become increasingly introverted and withdrawn.
 John Egbert is now clinically depressed.`

 `> Jake English go to john egbert and talk to him.`

 `John rolls for sanityAs the school year goes on, you start to feel more and more depressed. Your thoughts of suicide are creeping in your mind. You're starting to regret not killing yourself after all, but you still have hope.
 "Hello, is anyone there?"
 Well that was a total failure.
 You hear the soft patter of footsteps coming up the stairs. It's john, he's alive!`

 `> timeausTestified says "Wait are we in school now? The fuck?"
 Timeaus seemed to not pick anything up from your message, luckily Sollux was there to ask the questions.
 John doesn't answer you immediately, and you wonder if he's going to make a joke.
 You have a plan`

 `> Jake English says "John you ok buddy?"
 for if that happens.
 "Oh my god."
 You hear from the other side of the door.
 "Please just let me die..."
 He broke down, and now you can't talk at all.
 You start to hear the thumping of bass coming from your PC. You've been having this problem for days now, it's getting worse and you don't know what to do about it.
 John starts shaking`

 `> John Egbert says "hi jake."
 and then gasps
 "This isn't happening."
 You're starting to feel nauseous again.
 "John, you can do this, I believe in you."You think for a moment and realize this is it.
 "Hey John, I'm coming in."
 "It's too late."`

 `> Jake English says "John do you want a hug"`

 `> John Egbert says "nothing makes any sense anymore."
 You are able to open your eyes again, and find yourself in a state of complete clarity.
 "This isn't real."You think to yourself.
 But as you look at John's face you know it is.Your hug isn't reciprocated. You start to think that it won't work anyway.
 "I'm sorry" you whisper into his ear.
 You grab his hand and squeeze tightly.
 John cries out in pain and grips onto your shoulder with a strength beyond what you expected.
 "THEY TOOK HIM! THEY TOOK MY FRIEND!"He screams in your ear.
 Sollux, the true John and Aradia stand before the green sun. Except it isn't the green sun. Purple rays illuminate John Egbert's weary face as he squints to see the light. "what... IS this place?"He utters, looking around at the... Well purple plants. The light gives no warmth, it gives no energy, it is just there.
 fuck no gtfo off my planet`

 `> timeausTestified says "Jake are we fuckin or nah?"
 you purple sun junkie
 "THEY TOOK MY FRIEND!"The voice of God howls.
 This isn't the first time you've heard that voice.
 "Who are you?"Well... The gnomes are supposed to arrive today..." You reply.
 "So?"
 Sollux is still flipping his fingers at the green sun.`

 `> John Egbert says "huh? is this the green sun?"`

 `"I'M... NOT JACOB."The green sun howls. It's not a comforting voice. "I'M THE GREEN SUN!"`

 `> Jake English says "yeah lets fuck dirk"`

 `MeliodasThe green sun.
 "We... I need to get home."You say nervously.
 "So you can get eaten by the beast? No, no no no."The green sun says, in a serious tone. takes a step forward, grinning.
 "Why hello there, little sun. I am Meliodas. It's a pleasure to meet you."
 The purple sun flares, giving off more purple rays than usual.`

 `> John Egbert says "why am i at the green sun?"`

 `MeliodasThe green sun.
 "I want to go home."You say in a serious tone.
 "Well, you can't, not until I'm done with you."Meliodas laughs.
 Meliodas' laughter is dreadful.
 "But that won't be for a long, long time. Right now, I'm going to entertain these silly humans."Meliodas says, turning his head.`

 `> John Egbert says "oh my god, leave me alone."
 MeliodasThe green sun.
 "Or what? You'll turn me into a purple sun? HAHAHAHA!"Meliodas laughs.
 Suddenly, your head begins to hurt.
 Meliodas unlocks his latent ESP abilities. Using them to make the boys his bitches.
 "NO! DIE! YOU DISEASE OF GODLY VIRUS! DIE! YOU CANCER OF WORMS! DIE! FEEL MY PULSE!"`

 `> John Egbert says "i want to die."`

 `> timeausTestified pushes Jake down onto the ground, climbing ontop of him.`

 `> Jake English says "wait for a moment dirk i must save john"
 MeliodasThe green sun.
 "Well, it's your funeral."
 Suddenly, the world goes black.
 You wake up in a purple room. You look around, trying to get out."Hey! Why are you doing this? We were getting on so well!"Sans says, but you don't listen to him, you turn around and walk towards the green sun.`

 `> John Egbert says "i want to die so much."`

 `> Jake English says "wait nevermind"
 Suddenly, you hear a horrible scream. It's your brother.
 You see him, his clothes torn and his bones clearly visible through his skin.You continue walking forward. Your eyes begin to burn and burn, until you feel your eye sockets melting. Then, a strange voice speaks."John, can you hear me?"The voice asks.`

 `> John Egbert says "yes."`

 `> Jake English kisses dirk and leaves to save john.
 "What?"
 "I can hear you."
 "Good. Now, it seems you've fallen into a purple sun. The only way out is to pass my test."
 You keep walking.Sans arrives, followed by the other two.
 "You alright man? What happened?"Sans asks, putting his hand on your shoulder.
 John pulls out his trump card:`

 `> John Egbert says "yes, i can hear you!!"
 He uses his powers to rip out your eye-ball."YES! Thank you sir, I'll be taking this!"He says, putting your eye in his pocket.
 You keep walking."I'm sorry little brother, but your fate is not to be as glorious as you once thought. It's time to die."
 You can't see, you can't hear, you can't do anything.
 Aradia smiles at John. "this here is the essence of time itself" she pauses, then turns back, smile absent from her face. "...have you ever heard of a last guardian?"
 You've heard about these things. Last guardians are beings of pure, unbridled magical energy. They have existed since the beginning of time, and as such they never die.`

 `> timeausTestified pouts, being blueballed by Jake.
 John thinks for a moment."No... I don't think I have.`

 `> John Egbert hasn't heard of them.`

 `John, however, is clueless towards the matter.`

 `> John Egbert says "okay, so, what IS a last guardian?"
 "It's a being that has existed since the beginning of time."You reply."Nobody knows what they are, where they came from or even how they came to be.`

 `> John Egbert says "okay?"
 "There are legends though. One such legend is that the last guardians are slaves of the gods, created to this purpose alone. A last gift for their divine masters."`

 `> John Egbert says "why are you telling me this? can i leave yet?"`

 `"no. what are they?" He asks the maid of time. "they are beings who ‘take care' of dying worlds in their final days" Aradia explains.
 "'Tis"Yeah man, if you want."You reply.
 Sensing he's put himself in a vulnerable position, John tries to get out of it. a noble task. Unfortunately, the job becomes obsolete once the world dies. It is my belief that we are nearing the end days of this world."
 "what do you mean?"
 " "when a world is dying, they can be bribed or threatened to save the world with their magic.`

 `> John Egbert says "i don't want to save the world, i want to rest. i'm sorry."
 John looks at you. You know he's trying to judge whether or not you're telling the truth. He sighs, and realizes that no matter what happens, his fate is sealed.`

 `> John Egbert says "i'm not even sure if i wanna be alive anymore."
 "This is all very interesting, and a lot to take in. I will remember this."
 Sensing he has little say in the matter, John reluctantly accepts his fate.
 "so what do i have to do." he says, resigned.
 "You will have to kill the maid of time."
 "kill her?"
 "yes. you must convince her to let you live, in exchange for a second chance."
 John fucking dies and is finally at peace.
 Well, that was certainly an interesting ending to this story. Regardless of your decision, I wish you well on your future adventures, and thank you for reading my story.
 Aradia looks on, smiling sadly. "So, what happened to the last guardian?" you ask.
 John dies. However, it is not heroic or just, so he continues living. "He was killed by the last guardian."
 You stare at Aradia in shock. "What? How?
 "ours is g0ne for god kn0ws what reason" Sollux replies. "But that's not important. We should get back to the ship."
 Suddenly, the three of you hear a booming voice in your heads.
 "I HAVE READ YOUR STORY. VERY INTERESTING."`

 `> timeausTestified chills with Cindy the Cinderblock and apparantly Sans while waiting for Jake to return.`

 `> John Egbert says "can someone please just end me."
 It's been two weeks since you left, and the ship has been fixed. Aradia, Sollux and yourself now sit around a table, playing cards.
 "Did you finish writing the story?"
 "No, John." you reply. "You will live on. At least, that's what the last guardian told me."
 "I'm going to be living on forever? But...`

 `> John Egbert says "are you evil?"
 "No."
 "Oh."
 "Heh, look at that. You're not evil, but I am!" Sollux laughs, winning the card game.`

 `> John Egbert says "okay."
 "Is there any way you can make me live forever?"
 "Well, we could scan you and put you in a robot body, or build a new ship around you."
 "What does the other ship do?"`

 `> John Egbert says "no, i don't want to live forever!!"
 "It... It sounds like you would prefer death."
 You think about it. You can't quite put your finger on it, but something about this doesn't feel right.`

 `> John Egbert says "yes, i want to die, i hate everything so much."
 The three of them are baffled by your sudden change in attitude. "You just said you wanted to live forever." Aradia says.
 "I... Just want to die. Please, can you make me die?"
 Meliodas walks into the room, picking his teeth with a bone. "What's going on?"
 "He wants to die.`

 `> Jake English hug john and save him.
 "I don't understand. Why would you want to die?"
 "It's a very long story."
 You tell them the entire story about how you died, and how you wish to die again.You run up to Jake, who gives you a hug. "Thanks man."
 "Anytime, man."
 You head to the Captain, hoping he can figure out how to end this.
 Meliodas`

 `> John Egbert says "but i need to die like a hero or a villain. if i don't i'll just revive instantly."`

 `Jade Harley, the witch of space floats through the dream bubbles.Sans nods. "I think i can manage that."
 "How?"
 "We need to take you off the support of the ship. If you're not secured, you'll just fall off it. speaks up. "Why don't you want to live forever?
 "Hello, hero."
 "Uh, hello."
 "I am pleased to see that you've been enjoying the program I've been running. I have to say, it was a brilliant idea.`

 `> John Egbert says "but i need to die like a hero or a villain. if i don't i'll just revive instantly."
 "I've tried to kill you twice now. Once, when we first met, and again right now. Why?"
 John looks at you, before looking away. "I don't want to be killed."`

 `> John Egbert says "wait, what the hell am i saying!? i have to be killed if i want to die permanently."
 "Ah, I see."
 "Why are you so interested in my death?`

 `> Dave Strider walks up to John "There is a way you can die a hero and end this pain and torment John without being killed"
 You stop walking. "You can kill him."
 Dave looks at you. "What?`

 `> John Egbert says "oh my god shut up i am not interested in your story KILL ME PLEASE!!!"`

 `> John Egbert says "hello, dave!!!"`

 `> stoicalScepticism wat.
 "Why are you so against death? I thought those were your exact words."Are you sure?"
 "Yes."
 John sits down and puts his head in his hands. He takes a deep breath, before looking up at you.
 "Do what you have to."
 John finds a treasure chest contraining a large amount of gold, gems and other precious items. He opens it, and the room is suddenly filled with the smell of pine trees and forest. John tosses a bag of gold over to you, smiling.
 "This is yours."
 You nod. "It looks like it came from a fairy's treasure trove." You reach down, and push your claws into the wood.`

 `> John Egbert says "what the hell am i DOING?!?!?"`

 `Slowly Jade descends to the battlefield. How long has it been? Five years? Ten? Either way the Carapacian blood still stains it bright red. She walks across the checkered plains, red heels clicking together."You'll be dying a hero, you say? You are the last hope of the human race. Do you really think your actions going to make a difference?"
 "Yes!"
 You laugh. Her face shows no emotion.
 The monsters cringe and whimper. Some flee, but others approach, howling and roaring.
 You wait patiently.
 "Alright." She calls out.
 John explodes`

 `> John Egbert says "I'M NOT EVEN CHOOSING THESE ACTIONS FOR MYSELF!!! DAVE, KILL ME!!!"
 upwards, firing a ray of pure red light. He floats above you, hovering and smiling.
 He calls down, "Look on the bright side. At least you got to do this with your friends.""Dave? Isn't he one of the good ones?"
 He points to the sky.
 "No, not this time. He's just as bad as any of you."`

 `> Dave Strider hands John a gun and puts his head next to his. "Blow both their brains out at once, ending Dave Strider's villainous life. A heroic sacrifice.
 John raises the gun to his head, before aiming at the two demons.
 He lowers the gun. "Are you sure you should be helping me?"
 "Would you rather I didn't?"
 Meliodas
 John fucking dies laughs as the two demons nod eagerly.
 "Do it."
 "Dave, I-"
 You fire, as does John. Both hit their respective targets.
 JOHN EGBERT HEIR OF BREATH DIES AS HE FORGES A NEW HERO
 "You see? I knew you were the man for the job."
 You look down at the smoking crater where John once stood.
 Meliodas claps you on the shoulder. "And so ends the story of the legendary John the Hermit. May he rest in pieces.`

 `> Dave Strider says "Shame."
 "Dave, I need you to-"
 Dave turns and runs, screaming. The two demons quickly give chase.
 "Shit, he's fast."
 "We have to help him!`

 `> John Egbert instantly revives, because that is not really heroic or just at all.
 John sits up, dazed. "Dave...?"
 "Yeah?"
 "Get Meliodas!"
 "What? Who's Meliodas?"
 "The devil!
 Meliodas appears, floating forward. "Meliodas, come on! We have to get out of here!"
 "Huh?"
 "The demons are killing our friend!"
 Meliodas shakes his head.
 "I
 Jade opens the chest at the center of the battlefield. Like the blood it is shiny and new. don't know what you're talking about. I'm not a demon, nor am I interested in being one. There's no devil called Meliodas. Inside is a body.
 "Well, that's new."
 "What the hell are you supposed to do with that?" you ask, baffled.
 "Open it."
 She raises her arm.`

 `> Dave Strider says "John fucking do a double suicide with me. That*s hella heroic."*
 John nods. "I understand. Do it."
 The two teens go up to theirRMAs, hold their breath, and blow their heads off in a double suicide.`

 `> John Egbert says "someone send a bullet or a sword at dave and let me jump in front of him. that should be heroic."
 You shake your head. "Dave didn't want to die. He wanted to leave without dying."
 "Then we can make him die a hero's death! What are we waiting for?"
 Meliodas sucks out Jade's soul`

 `> John Egbert says "GOD DAMMIT SHUT THE FUCK UP!!"
 as it escapes.
 "Who's we?"
 "You and me."
 "Fine, let's do it."
 You charge forward. The knight swings his blade, which you duck under. You stab him through the gut, and he collapses. You grab his sword and head to where John waits.
 You dive through the air, ramming the sword straight through the rebel knight.
 John fucking dies.
 John's body falls to the ground, and you're left with a bloody sword in your hand.
 "Dave?"
 You turn to see two rebels about your age.
 They're named Luis and Edgar. They're in a dispute right now, but you don't care because you just found two friends.
 You go on many adventures together, fighting evil and solving mysteries and eating cheap food.`

 `> Dave Strider says "FUcking die already John jesus christ man"
 The last sound you hear is John mumbling something in French before he breathes no more.`

 `> John Egbert is so tired of being in a batshit insane reality and just tries over and over again to die, to no avail.
 You go to a ruined city, where a massive tower has landed. You, John, and Luis run inside, finding several floors of bedrooms, libraries, and other areas.
 Suddenly Meliodas and Goku appear, flying down to the ground.
 "Hello, my children. I am Goku, and this is Meliodas. We've come to rescue you."
 Meliodas flies forward to kiss your cheek.`

 `> John Egbert changes the timeline so he can get out of this weird post apocalyptic world.
 John tries to get out of this reality, but he fails. Instead, he sets off a chain reaction that destroys the entire world.
 The timeline splits into two different realities. In one, you all escape. In the other, you and your friends perish.
 EVERYTHING EXPLODES INTO PIECES
 The world is gone. Nothing but a blasted, lifeless planet remains.
 In the aftermath of the world's destruction, you, your friends, and family move to a new home, a floating castle.
 The end.
 John Egbert is dead. He died justly. Somehow. He was the last of his kind, and he paid the price for that.
 THE END
 THANKS FOR READING MY STORY. I'M OPENING THIS UP TO VOTES.
 GO HOME EVERYONE. THIS ISN'T A READER MATTER. THIS IS A MURDERERS.
 And so ends John Egbert's insanely tragic awful tale.
 You've made it past the first tale. That's something to be proud of, at least.
 NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z: JOURNEY TO THE UNKNOWN THE WORLD.
 The world before you is an odd blue-green color. The air smells clean, and there's not a single blade of grass.`

 `> stoicalScepticism lMAO.
 A pair of feet are all you need to know about your surroundings.
 They're bare.
 There's a short, teenage girl with a short ponytail walking along next to you.`

 `> Jake English hAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.`

 `Now that John is fully and completely dead, the story turns to a curious Cheshire! Jasprose Lalonde floats above the gory scene, licking her paws."I'm lucy," She says, extending a hand towards you. "This is new, isn't it?"
 "It sure is." You shake your head.`

 `"I can't believe you killed him!" she says. "That was so worth it."
 "What now?" you ask, ready to take on whatever madness comes next.
 "Now,"
 THE END
 -- CURRENT stoicalScepticism [CSS] shits all over the floor --`

 `> Jake English no.
 It's a large chamber, larger than even the castle it's located in. A massive statue stands on a pedestal in the center of the room.
 the END!!!!
 THANKS FOR WATCHING MAKE SURE TO LIKE AND SUBSRIBE ALSO`

 `> John Egbert is still alive in the timeline where they escaped, but still insanely depressed. He is never at peace, because AI Dungeon is hell.
 IF YOU CAN THAT WOULD BE AWESOME THANKS FOR READING!!!!
 END`

#### Rose Lalonde owns a coffee shop while Kanaya investigates

Protagonists:

* Rose Lalonde
* John Egbert
* Weed Nepeta
* Kanaya Maryam
* Jake English

Other notable characters:

* Yag
* Vriska
* Karkat Vantas

`"DEJA BREW" Reads the battered wooden sign, placed precariously above the 1800's Londonesque pelmet. Two purple velvet curtained windows frame the entrance, and the entire shop is painted black, standing out from the rest of the storefronts in both its modesty and frivolous nature. From what you've heard upon moving into this neighborhood, the Deja Brew coffeehouse and cafe is a notorious magnet for the sophisticated sorcerers and occult enthusiasts of New Skaia, and the owner herself is no exception. Most folk avoid it, but the few who enter whisper in the shadows, holding a treasure trove of secrets known only by the darkly inclined. Its allure is impossible for an budding investigative journalist to resist. So today you donned your most gothic garments and arrived at the looming figure of the Deja Brew, pen and paper tucked carefully into your satchel. The glass door opens effortlessly as you glide through the coffee shop entrance. With grace and demure, short steps you stride past hunched figures sipping mysterious caffeinated concoctions, discussing unknown topics in hushed tones from their plush violet armchairs. At the counter there sits a young woman with a coiffed blonde bob and a black headband, robed in a stylish uniform. She turns around and smiles. "Welcome." She says, through black, glossy lips. You feel your heart flutter. "My name is Rose Lalonde. How may I assist you today?"
 Your gaze wanders up to her face, and you take a deep breath. "You probably don't remember me, but I visited your cafe two years ago." She frowns. "Two years? But I remember you! You were that weird kid who ordered coffee, and then asked if we served hot chocolate." You nod eagerly.
 "Yes I Am Afraid That Was Me" you reply. "Luckily I Now Have A Much More Refined Taste In Caffiene" eyeing the menu, you ask Rose a question. "What Would You Reccomend?"`

 `You're sitting at the counter, nursing a coffee, as Rose reads over the choices for breakfast. Her face turns serious.`

 `> John Egbert walks in.
 Rose looks up, smiling. She notices you, and smiles. "Good morning!"
 "Morning," you reply, smiling back. "Do you work here?"
 She nods.`

 `> John Egbert says "wait, rose, is that you?"
 "Do you have any recommendations on what to do in the city?"
 "Well, we just got back from the museum, and the park."`

 `> Nepeta walks in after John they're traveling together.`

 `> John Egbert says "rose, you didn't tell me you started a coffee shop."
 "It's not really a coffee shop, it's more of a... I don't know, an art cafe, i guess."
 "You should open a real coffee shop, you know."Oh! Hello!" she says, her teeth flashing in a smile.
 "Nepeta! I didn't realize you were going to be here.`

 `> Rose Lalonde well it's more of an occult cafe if anything. This is all strictly research of course.
 "What's an occult cafe?" asks John.
 "Oh, you don't want to hear about that," says Catia dismissively. "It's nothing special."
 "I want to hear about it!"`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "Well, for instance the coffee lets you hear the whispers of the old gods."
 "Wha- Really?" asks John.
 "Yes, but it's not something I'd want to do all the time."
 "The coffee lets you hear the whispers of the old gods!"`

 `> Jake English walk into the cafe.`

 `"Do you have any events planned for this week?" asks Catia. "I just got a lot of work so I don't have time.`

 `> Jake English hey John!
 "Hey Jake," you reply.
 "What's up?" asks John.
 "Nothing much."
 "So how's the investigation going?"
 You take a deep breath.`

 `> Jake English order a coffee or two.
 "It's going, but it's taking a long time," you say.
 "Well, just keep at it. I'm sure you'll crack it eventually."
 Jake orders a couple coffees and just drinks them in the corner. You wonder if he orders something stronger from time to time.
 "I don't think I'll crack it eventually," you reply.
 "What do you mean?" asks Catia.
 Meanwhile, Kanaya Maryam sips her brew, eyeing the suspicious new customers. She retrieved her notepad and pen and begins to jot down observations."There's two men dressed in black with odd helmets and another one in a red cloak,"
 "Well, it's good that you told us, but why do you think they're here?" asks Rose.`

 `> John Egbert says "rose, do you have anything that doesn't make me hear horrorterror gobbldegook?"
 "I have something that might help. This doesn't happen to be the most pleasant smell in the world, but it's better than talking, right?" She extends her wrist, and offers a flask to you.`

 `> John Egbert says "uh, i'm good, thanks."
 You raise an eyebrow, before popping the top and snorting the contents up your nostrils. It's incredibly effective, and you begin to feel lightheaded.`

 `> Nepeta says "John! Leave some for me!"
 You snort some up your nose, and begin to feel very sick. You barely make it to the bathroom, throwing up all the while.
 "meoooow!"
 "Are you alright?" asks Rose. "You just got up, you shouldn't have any more to-"
 "RAAAAGH!`

 `> John Egbert says "oh my god, why did you give me this?"
 "Oh my god, I'm so sorry!"
 You collapse on the bathroom floor, and groan in pain.
 "I thought you were supposed to snort it!" Rose says.
 Kanaya sees John, and adds something under his profile. ‘-John Egbert. Most likely a drug addict.'"
 "I'm going to kill you, you little purple people!`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "Why did you guys even snort it? It was in a flask come on!"`

 `> John Egbert says "i- i don't think i'm gonna drink anything from here. i might throw up again."
 "Yeah, she's not going to kill anyone," says David. "She gave me one once, and it made me feel like I was six years old. I ended up puking for hours.You nod in agreement.
 "Oh. Alright then."
 You stand up, and decide to head home. It's been a long day, and you have work tomorrow.`

 `> John Egbert says "by the way, who's that girl writing things down about us?"
 "Oh, that's just my friend. She's a bit of a notebook hog. Never hurts to have an extra witness."
 You nod, and take your leave.`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "Yeah don't mind her she's always snooping around this place."
 "Alright, thanks," says John.
 You walk out of the shop, and make your way home. When you arrive, you find a letter waiting for you on your bed.`

 `> John Egbert read letter.
 Dear Mr. Egbert,
 I apologize for my colleague's behavior. She is new and a little excitable.`

 `> Jake English ask Rose why did she make John snort crack.
 "What?"
 "Your new employee. Why did you have him snort that stuff?"
 Rose raises an eyebrow.`

 `> Jake English says "Seriously Rose, why?"
 "What do you mean?"
 "You brought a man into the bathroom and had him snort some powder up his nose. Why would you do something like that?"
 "It was John, alright?`

 `> Jake English raises an eyebrow.
 "Alright," he says, defeated.
 You open the letter, and begin to read.
 Dear Mr. Egbert,
 I apologize for my colleague's behavior. She is new and a little excitable.`

 `> John Egbert wonder who the letter is from.`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "Well John can get a little boring and I thought it'd be fun."
 "Hey, did you get a letter?"
 "Yeah, it's from some guy named Herbert."What?`

 `> John Egbert return to the cafe.
 "I got a letter!" you say excitedly.
 "About time you got one." replies David. "So what's the verdict?"
 You read the letter out loud.`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "David, what's your full name?"
 "David."
 "Your first name is?"
 "I don't know."
 "Your last name, David.`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "Wait so your name is David David?"
 "Yeah."
 "David David, how old are you?"
 "I don't know."
 "How old do you think?"
 "I don't know."
 "David, do you like cake?"`

 `> John Egbert says "rose, why are you interrogating this guy for such personal details?"
 "Just a question, David," she replies.
 "Well I don't know."
 "Do you like cake?"
 "Yeah."
 "Alright, get to class."
 "Alright."`

 `> John Egbert thinks about how weird that was.
 "So?" asks David.
 "So what?"
 "You've been gone a lot longer than usual."
 "Oh, that? Just had some business to take care of."
 "Is everything alright?"
 Nepeta shuffles out from the bathroom and starts throwing cat-themed slurs at Rose for giving her unsanitary crack.
 "Everything's fine, David," you say.
 "Hnph," David replies, not convinced, but goes back to eating his food.`

 `> Nepeta pounces on Rose.
 "Hey! What's going on here?!" you say, attempting to separate the two.
 "Don't worry about it, Mr. Egbert," Rose says. "Nepeta and I were just talking."`

 `> Nepeta hisses.
 "Were you now?"
 "Yeah," Rose says, not intimidated by her. "See you, David."
 She takes your hand and pulls you along to class.
 "So, who was that?"`

 `> Rose Lalonde gives Nepeta another noseful of the special stuff that made her act strange in the first place whispering "Okay go and play now"
 "Oh, that was just my friend, you know, the one who..."
 Nepeta pulls your hand and runs away. You shrug, shake your head, and continue on to class.`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "So John why are you here in the first place?"
 "Um, I told you already.`

 `> John Egbert says "i just thought this place looked cool."`

 `> Jake English says "Hey Rose, you gave drugs to Nepeta too"
 "Yeah, I guess it's pretty cool."
 "Do you go here?"
 "Sometimes."
 "Do you have a crush on any of the teachers?"
 "No."What kind of friend would I be if I did that?"
 "The kind you need to space."
 "Yeah, that's why I'm friends with David."`

 `> Jake English says "Fuck crushes, I want to know why the fuck you give crack to people"
 "Oh, you know David. He's just so fun to annoy."
 "I'm not talking about David. I'm talking about you and your bizarre obsession to go around giving drugs out to people.`

 `> Jake English says "Tell me, why do you give drugs to people?!"
 "I don't know, why the hell wouldn't I?"
 "Well, because it's weird and creepy."
 "Fine, I give drugs to people to help them relax.`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "What can I say I have crack-head energy."
 "Yeah, I guess," he says.
 After class, you wait around for your ride home. David shows up and you go over to where he's waiting.
 "Hey.`

 `> John Egbert says "i don't think i'm gonna come here again, drugs aren't really my uh, thing."
 So I heard you got a letter."
 "Yeah, from an old friend."
 "Oh, who's it from?"
 "Herbert."
 "Oh, did you go meet him?"
 ""What, you mean you don't find it ironic that I'm on my way to sell drugs right now?"
 "Yeah, I think I can honestly say I've never thought that before."`

 `> John Egbert says "wait what? you're on the way to sell drugs?"
 "Yeah."
 "Oh."
 "Yeah, so what's your excuse?"
 "Well I don't really have one, I was just waiting around for you actually."
 "Oh."`

 `> Jade Harley jade, being completely irrelevant until now, is just sitting down on the floor, eating a sandwich.
 "Oh hey Jake, what's up?"
 "Hey," you say, sitting down next to her.
 "Hey, you two know each other?" David asks.
 "We go to the same school,"
 "Yeah. x-x"
 Watching the drug-addled scene before her unfold, Kanaya Maryam pulls David the waiter aside. "Excuse Me David-" "dave you can just call me dave" "Oh All Right Dave" Kanaya pauses for a moment. "Dave Are You All Right If I Ask You Some Questions?" §“yeah sure why not” “Perfect” Kanaya says, pulling out her notebook. “First Of All What Is Your Last Name”`

 `> John Egbert asks Kanaya Maryam if she is a reporter.`

 `"uhhh weird question but ok its strider dave strider best fuckin waiter ever thats who" Kanaya diligently notes that. "Thank You And How Long Rose Been Selling Crack To Customers?" §"like a month now" "Perfect"
 "Two Questions"
 "Yeah, perfect. So why do you want to know all this?`

 `> John Egbert asks Kanaya Maryam who she is.
 "Ah, OK. So What Do You Want To Know?"
 "Well First Of All Who Are You?"
 "Kanaya.`

 `> John Egbert says "ok, kanaya. are you a journalist or something?"
 "No.
 "Do you work for the Ebony Claw Syndicate?"
 "The... What?"
 "Never Mind.`

 `> Nepeta approaches from behind rose.
 "Hey."
 "Hey."
 "Nepeta, why are you here?"
 "I'm here to give Rose her payment. You're giving her a lot of money for her information aren't you?"`

 `> Nepeta turns towards rose.
 "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I am."
 "I thought so. You don't need to, you know."
 "Don't need to what?`

 `> Nepeta says "So do you have any more of the good stuff?"
 "What?! No! Look, I'm not trying to rip you off or anything. I'm just not sure if you're actually sure you need to give her the money.
 Nepeta unsheathes her claws.
 "Don't worry about it."
 Nepeta hisses at her, before putting them back.
 "Here."
 Nepeta tosses you a small pile of money.`

 `> Nepeta sprint away with her drugs.
 You quickly catch it and count it, then hand it back to her.
 "Uh... That's fine. Thanks I guess. I just... Y'know, drugs.
 "Yeah, Yeah I know.`

 `> John Egbert says "is...is rose seriously running a drug dealership? i need to get out of here."
 "Rose.
 You walk up to Rose.
 "Yeah?"
 "Do you have any idea what you're doing?"
 "Not really.`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "Honestly I feel kind of bad you have a real fucking problem Nepeta."
 "Yeah I know.`

 `> John Egbert gets out of rose's drug paradise.
 "Hey, I'm not leaving, but I'm gonna go get us a drink. Do you want anything?"
 "Uh, yeah sure. Whatever you're having."
 You turn around to get the drinks.`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "John don't freak out it's all perfectly legal."
 "That's not the point and you know it."
 "Yeah, I know. It's just... I don't know. I mean I guess we have to pay the bills somehow right?`

 `> Jake English says "Nepeta you need to stop taking that drug for the love of God!"
 "Rose.
 You turn around to see Rose. You stop walking.
 "Yeah?"
 "Look, I know you're mad at me, but you have to understand. It's really not that bad.`

 `> Jake English fucking leave this drug shop and go to another coffee shop.
 "It's really not that bad.`

 `> Jake English says "IT FUCKING IS BAD"
 "Yeah it is.
 You walk away. You grab your drink, turn around and walk back to Rose.
 "Hey! Wait!"
 "What?!"
 "Just give me a second."
 Rose looks around and walks past you. You hear the sound of the front door being locked and you turn around to see her walking towards you.
 "`

 `> Jake English says "FUCK IM GONNA DIE"
 You put your drink on the counter and run out the door. You open your phone and dial 911.
 "911, what is your emergency?" The operator on the other end inquiries.`

 `> Jade Harley just dies, because she was too irrelevant for her own good.
 "I'm having a medical emergency! I need help!"
 "I'm sorry, did you say medical emergency?"
 "Yeah!"
 "What's your name sir?
 Calmly, Kanaya pulls her phone from her handbag. She opens trollian.`

 `grimAuxiliatrix [GG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:30 am.`

 `GA: So I Went To The Cafe
 GA: And Guess What
 GA: Its A Fucking Crack Den
 CG: WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
 CG: WHY DID YOU GO THERE.
 CG: WHY.
 GG: You've been busy on there, I didn't realize you started a new account.`

 `Your phone goes off.`

 `> John Egbert goes over to rose and begins talking to her about this.
 You walk up to Rose.
 "Rose. Hey."
 "Oh, hey." Rose says.
 "What's going on?`

 `> John Egbert says "rose, why are you selling crack?"
 "I'm not."
 "Well I saw your name on the door and..."
 "I'm not selling crack! I'm just holding a few of my customers down while they get their supplies.`

 `> John Egbert says "well, what you're selling...this is pretty much crack, rose."
 "Yeah, but it's...actually legal."
 "It's not the same thing! What you're doing is literally a crack house.`

 `> John Egbert says "just...why? why are you selling drugs?"
 "I've...got a medical condition."
 "What?"
 "Well, it's kind of private. You don't need to know."
 "Alright...hey, do you want to get out of here?"`

 `> John Egbert is silent.
 "Oh. Um...okay."
 You hold Rose's hand and pull her towards you. You look into her eyes and she looks back. Then, she turns away.`

 `> Nepeta watches the scene from the bushes, high on crack.
 You look into Rose's eyes and she looks at you. The pair of you walk down the street, hand in hand.
 "Rose! Hello!"
 You both turn around. It's Yag.
 "Who is Yag?" Nepeta whispers to herself.
 "Yag? I dunno. It's a...it's a new acquaintance of mine. You should meet her!" You say.
 "I don't really do friends." Rose says.
 Nepeta screaches and slices Yag in two with her claws. "NO OCs!!!!"
 "We...um, we should go." Rose says nervously.
 "Alright."
 You and Rose walk home.`

 `> Rose Lalonde suddenly snaps out of her trance and rips her hand out of John's. "What the fuck are you doing?! I can't believe you, you prick" Rose exclaims.
 "Why the fuck are you mad at me?! You agreed to go out with me!`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "You didn't say anything and just kissed me you creep! Talk to me again when you can respect me and my very LEGAL carreer."
 "What? I'm not a creep! I just...
 Rose walks away and you start to chase her.
 "Rose wait!"
 You chase Rose down the street.
 "Let me explain!`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "Come near me and DIE!"
 Rose slices open the back of your head, and you fall to the ground in a pool of blood.`

 `> John Egbert John Egbert comes back to life.
 You stand up and look around. You notice your own gun, lying on the sidewalk, just out of your reach. You pull yourself to it and pick it up, before collapsing again.`

 `> John Egbert says "oh my god, rose!!! i don't even know what i was doing either!!! ROSE, COME BACK!!!"`

 `John Egbert John Egbert has had his fill of life."Oh, fuck off, yag."
 "Seriously though, I'm sorry. Really. That was fucked up of me."
 "Fine."`

 `> John Egbert says "ROSE, I THINK I WAS MIND CONTROLLED OR SOMETHING!! I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO KISS YOU!!!"
 "Shut up, yag."
 You pull the trigger and blow a hole through Yag's chest. His face contorts in pain as he clutches his chest, before his body falls to the ground.
 Yag fucking`

 `> John Egbert catches up with rose.
 dead. What a way to go.
 You sit there, slumped against a wall, gun in your hands, trying to process what just happened.
 After a few minutes, a man walks over to you.You chase Rose down the street, she fights back with a barrage of insults.
 "Seriously, what's wrong with you?"
 "Rose, please."
 "Fuck off."
 "Rose!`

 `> John Egbert says "rose, i didn't even want to kiss you! it was like i was in a weird trance!!!"
 "Yeah, well that's how you picked up a murderer, rapist and abusive psycho. Talk to me again when you're not hunting for demon spawn to murder."
 "I'm not a psycho!`

 `> John Egbert says "no!!! oh my god, rose, please listen to me!!"
 "Don't make me shoot you in the fucking knee, yag."
 "Alright, alright!"
 "Great."`

 `> Jake English stalk John Egbert and Rose.
 You walk over to John, who is hiding behind a corner.
 "Hello, Mr. Albino." You say.
 "Don't kill him!" Rose shouts.
 "Shut up, whore." You reply.`

 `> Jake English listen to John and Rose's conversation.
 "What?"
 "She says to listen to you, dickhead." Rose says.
 "Alright, what the fuck do you want?
 You wonder if you can ever salvage your relationship with Rose.`

 `> Jake English listen to it more.
 You take out your phone and turn on the recorder function, and set it to start recording as soon as you put it in your pocket.
 "Well, we need a mediator. Can you help us out?" Rose asks.
 "Ha fucking ha, you actually went through with it. Didn't think you had it in you." You respond.
 "Look, I don't want to fight with you, so fine, I'll ask father for help. So what if I wanted to fight with you?`

 `> John Egbert says "what are we talking about? i'm so confused."
 "My relationship with your sister. She's been... Um, it's complicated." You respond.`

 `> John Egbert says "you have a sister. rose, your only sibling is dave."
 "Yeah, I mean she's my only sibling and all, but... It's not like I want to fuck him or anything. Fuck, I'd rather..."
 "Stop it!`

 `> John Egbert says "what are you even saying???!"
 "Nothing!" You exclaim. "Anyway, my dick is getting hard just thinking about sucking yours."
 Rose's eyes go wide and her mouth hangs open. Her whole face turns a deep shade of red.`

 `> John Egbert says "WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY?!? OH MY GOD, IT'S LIKE SOMETHING IS CONTROLLING ME!!!"
 "Y-you heard that?"
 "No, of course I didn't. HOW COULD I WHEN YOU NEVER LEFT YOU TONGUE UNATTACHED AND ABOVE WATER BODIES?"`

 `> John Egbert says "what do you mean?"
 "I mean..."
 You and Rose explain to John what you were saying and doing while under the effects of the yellow Mind contro.. He goes pale, then purple, then...
 "I have to go."`

 `> John Egbert says "rose, if i suddenly say something really stupid and offensive...know it's probably not my decision. i think i am being mind controlled."
 "What?! Mind control? What the hell is that?"
 "That's what I said."
 "You have to do something!
 Kanaya Maryam, meanwhile, walks home mildly disappointed. She had initially been intrigued by the lovely owner of the Deja Brew. However... dating someone who sells crack to children is decidedly a no in her book. Finally she arrives at her apartment. Kanaya unlocks the door, and steps inside. She pulls her gun from her belt and points it at the doorway.
 "Who's there?" She calls out.
 No response.
 "I know you're there. Come out, or I'll..."`

 `The door opens, and Vriska steps out. "Hey there Fussyfangs!!!!!!!! Sure has 8een a while. Pity we won't get to talk!" The last thing Kanaya sees is a taser before it all goes black.
 When Kanaya opens her eyes she sees Nepeta staring into her eyes.
 "I don't think you'll be giving anymore ratfucks."
 Kanaya looks around, realizing that she's in the basement of the Fuck Youdimension.
 "Why'd you bring me here?"`

 `> Nepeta says "I didn't bring you here :3c"
 "You're the one who has been selling drugs to kids and then taping their mouths shut. I'd be pretty upset if someone kidnapped me."
 Nepeta smiles.`

 `> Nepeta says "Give me my drugs Rose"
 "You sold drugs to children. That's pretty fucked up."
 "Well you ain't gotta worry bout that, that shit is over."
 "Oh? And how do you intend to accomplish this?"`

 `> Nepeta unsheathes her claws.
 Nepeta grabs your hand and presses the blade of her claw to your index finger.
 "Oooh, you're not giving me my drugs for nothing."`

 `> Nepeta stabs Kanaya.
 Nepeta slices open the side of your girlfriend's face, starting from her ear to her chin.
 "You're dead now bitch. Fucking dead."`

 `> Nepeta runs away from her actions and jumps out the window.
 Nepeta turns around, running away as fast as she can from you and the scene she just caused.`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "What the fuck you drug-addicted cunt how could you?"
 Rose stands by what she just said, then you realize...
 "Wait, I know this voice."
 "You remember me?"
 "Of course! You're that popular bitch who sold me some weed! Remember?"`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "Shut up and let me patch up your face, jeez."
 You stand up and Rose looks at your face.
 "I think my boyfriend just tried to kill me.`

 `> Rose Lalonde says "I think you're still a little bit high cause that was a fucking cat-woman"
 You stand up and Rose takes out a first aid kit and patches you up.
 "Alright, there. Does anything hurt?"
 "I don't think so.`

 `> Jake English steal the drugs and throw them into the garbage can.
 "You do realize that the drugs were probably stolen right?"
 "I didn't steal them."
 "Then you're a dumbass, now get out of my way."`

 `> Jake English burn the trashcan.
 "Alright, maybe you're right. Let me get the mop and clean up the place."
 "Please do."
 You grab a mop and begin to mop the place up.`

 `> Jake English says "fuck drugs "
 "You're too kind."
 You throw away the trashcan, then get a broom and dustpan. You begin to sweep up the broken glass.
 "Is there anything else I can help you with?`

 `> Jake English says "nothing bye"
 You wave goodbye to Rose, who watches you as you leave.
 When you exit the shop, you notice a man smoking in a corner. He notices you.
 "Hi, can I help you?
 He seems to be a bit...on the fat side. He has a long flowing beard and long hair. He looks...French.
 "I don't think so." You reply.`

 `> John Egbert have sex.
 You walk past the man, who looks rather sad that you didn't ask for his help.
 As you leave the park, you realize you don't know the way to your house.
 people die the end
 no dying`

 `> John Egbert bang Rose Lalonde.`

 `You arrive at the house of your dreams, with a beautiful house and yard. There's even a garden around the house, with a stream and wooden bridge.You head back to the park, and find Rose still there.
 "I haven't left."`

 `> John Egbert bang Rose Lalonde.`

 `John and Dave have sexYou pull your pants down and penetrate her with your manhood. As she begins to enjoy it, you hear a growl., and then they both say you can do it.
 You wake up with a massive headache and soreness all over your body. Your bed is soaked with sweat, which you don't remember producing.
 Suddenly Obama and Goku appear in the room.
 "
 Rose Dave and John have a threewaySo, you joined the fight after all."
 "Huh?"
 "You screamed in your sleep, and gave away your position. Thanks for waking us up when you did, or that ginger would've cleared us out.`

 `> John Egbert says "oh you want to join in?"`

 `He would've ?"
 "Yeah, I killed him. Bagged him skin and trophies. Checked his pockets and took everything he had. Wasn't even that much.
 "Uh...no...I just had a weird dream..."
 "Well join in then! We're having fun!"
 DELETES EVERYONE
 A month later, Rose and the gang have created a small community for themselves in the ruins of the city. It's growing slowly, but they're making due.`

 `> Rose Lalonde starts licking dave's ears.`

 `He starts purring.
 Rose is pregnant with your child. Due in a few months.
 You, Rose and the gang are all happy. The future is bright for you, as long as the mutants don't fuck it up.`

 `> Jake English kill everyone and end the story.`

 `You wake up from a horrible nightmare. Your stomach is killing you and you have a splitting headache.
 After getting up, you look outside. The mutants are gone.
 Dave is also pregnant, but with a much lighter condition. Due in just over a month.
 The next day, you go out to scavenge for food, while the others make plans.
 Kanaya is dead. She had gotten caught alone while trying to scavenge, and had been found days later.
 You are not surprised by this.
 You mourn her death for only a moment, before realizing that without her around, your group is going to be weaker. She was far too aggressive for you.
 She died well, and was eaten.
 Her child will likely be an average kinder, as the others have mothers
 Suddenly, Dave begins giving birth. He says "john im giving birth and the baby is you" and then dies.
 His child is a mutant, with his face squashed and stretched into an unimaginable shape. He is useless and not a pleasant sight, and dies soon after.`

 `> John Egbert stare at baby me.
 You stare at your child in disbelief.
 Dave's dead and your child is a monster. But you made it. You, yourself, made a living creature.`

 `> John Egbert John Egbert.
 You are John Egbert.
 At some point, you decide to name your child 'John', as you aren't sure what you'd do if you had a son and called him 'Dave'.
 Life is good.
 Suddenly Melodias descends from the heavens to cleanse this impure land.
 You live in a community. You teach the others how to farm, and try to stay out of their way since they have the same ability as you to traverse across time and space.`

 `> Jake English jake English JACK FINN.
 You are a member of the safespaces.
 The last survivors of the old world, with your ability to make buildings and people fly.`

 `> Rose Lalonde buries John alive.
 You dig a hole in the ground, drop Rose's body in it and cover it up.
 You wait for the others to return.
 When they finally do, they look at you with disgust.
 Suddenly, this entire cursed weird fucking timeline gets erased by John. He collapses on the ground.
 He was in the middle of a conversation, and then all of a sudden, everything is back to normal.
 John was killed by the mutants, but he came back.
 pissed, you grab John and levitate him into the air. "You're not real!" you scream.
 "Y-yeah...I am..." John says, baffled.
 CONTENT WARNING: VORE
 You drop John and smash your fists into his face until he explodes.
 John's blood splatters on your clothes and you wipe your hands off on your clothes, and then notice how it's now dry.
 There are no more mutants, no more ruins. Everything is completely normal now.
 You begin eating John You're in the abandoned stadium, just you and John.
 "Why'd you do that?" John asks. "It was a dream, just a dream."
 "Just a dream...fucking hell."'s remains.
 One day, you realize that it's been a year since the world ended.
 You decide to go find out what happened to the others.
 Dirk proceeds to eat everyone, Saturn style.
 THE END
 The end.
 Dirk vores you.
 You are vored.
 THE FUCKING END EVERYONE GO HOME MOVIES OVER
 The vore joke was unnecessary.
 It was unnecessary because it is very, very unfunny.
 It was very funny
 THE END DUMBASSES
 -Ultimate dirk
 Also, do you know how to make a different ending?
 IT HAS ENDED
 YOU DIE
 THE END NO MORE
 NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL: DRIK'S KID GETS KILLED
 Fuck you,
 BYE
 BOOB YOU GO
 NEXT TIME ON KARKAT'S MEMO: FINDING A CURE TO SAVE DRIK
 ALSO: INVESTIGATE THE GALACTIC BAZAAR
 AND FINALLY: DON'T FORGET TO CLEAN THE KITCHEN
 Rose and John's child will be named John.
 John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John John
 what the fuck
 THE END
 "What the fuck, I'm sick of these stupid ending"
 "Dirk, you dick! Fuck you!"
 "You have to fucking read it to the end!
 "But it sucks, I don't want to read it."
 "If you don't then the ending is going to be very shitty for you!"
 "Fine, I'm going to go then."
 "
 The problem is that when the subject of troll romance is broached, our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable.`

 `But we will do our best to understand regardless.`

 `Humans have only one form of romance. And though we consider it a complicated subject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implications for reproduction, it is ultimately a superficial slice of what trolls consider the full body of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, linear concept. A concept usually denoted by a single symbol.`

 `<3`

 `Troll romance is more complicated than that. Troll romance needs four symbols.
 Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, and halved again, producing four quadrants: the FLUSHED QUADRANT, the CALIGINOUS QUADRANT, the PALE QUADRANT, and the ASHEN QUADRANT.`

 `Each quadrant is grouped by the half they share, whether horizontally or vertically, depending on the overlapping properties one examines. The sharpest dichotomy, from an emotional perspective, is drawn between RED ROMANCE and BLACK ROMANCE.`

 `RED ROMANCE, comprised of the flushed and pale quadrants, is a form of romance rooted in strongly positive emotions. BLACK ROMANCE, with its caliginous and ashen quadrants, is rooted in the strongly negative.`

 `On the other hand, the vertical bifurcation has to do with the purpose of the relationship, regardless of the emotions behind it. Those quadrants which are CONCUPISCENT, the flushed and caliginous, have to do with facilitating the elaborate reproductive cycle of trolls. Those which are CONCILIATORY, the pale and ashen, would be more closely likened to platonic relationships by human standards.`

 `There are many parallels between human relationships and the various facets of troll romance. Humans have words to describe relationships of a negative nature, or of a platonic nature. The difference is, for humans, those relationships would never be conceptually grouped with romance. Establishing those sort of relationships for humans is not driven by the same primal forces that drive our tendency to couple romantically. But for trolls, those primal forces involve themselves in the full palette of these relationships, red or black, torrid or friendly. Trolls typically feel strongly compelled to find balance in each quadrant, and seek gratifying relationships that each describes.`

 `The challenge is particularly tortuous for young trolls, who must reconcile the wide range of contradictory emotions associated with this matrix, while understanding the nature of their various romantic urges for the first time.`

 `Of course, young humans have this challenge too. But for trolls, the challenge is fourfold.`

 `So you see, the relationship between a troll and a human, while complex, is not without potential for happiness. Indeed, the potential is strong for an enduring bond which transcends life and death.
 When two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be MATESPRITS. Matespritship is the closest parallel to the human concept of romance trolls have. It plays a role in the trolls' reproductive cycle, just as it does for humans.`

 `This is pretty obvious! Not much more needs to be said about this. Moving right along.`

 `CAUTION: CAUTION: CAUTION: CAUTION: CAUTION: CAUTION: CAUTION: CAUTION: CAUTION:`

 `In the caliginous quadrant are found the ACQUAINT
 When a pair of adversaries delve into this quadrant, they become each other's KISMESIS. As one of the concupiscent quadrants, it plays a role in procreation as well. There is no particularly good human translation for this concept. The closest would be an especially potent arch-rivalry.`

 `For instance, human players would never be able to adequately diagnose the relationship between the queen and her archagent. But troll players could immediately place it as a dead ringer for kismesissitude. They would think we were all pretty stupid for not getting it. And they would be right.`

 `There are many different types of archagents, each assigned to different roles in the fertility ritual.
 Trolls have a complicated reproductive cycle. It's probably best not to examine it in much detail.`

 `The need to seek out concupiscent partners comes with more urgency than typical reproductive instincts. When the IMPERIAL DRONE comes knocking, you had better be able to supply genetic material to each of his FILIAL PAILS. If you have nothing to offer, he will kill you without hesitation.`

 `The genetic material - WITHOUT GOING INTO MUCH DETAIL - is a combinative genetic mix from the matesprit and kismesis pairs, respectively. The pails are all offered to the mother grub, who can only receive such precombined material. She then combines all of it into one incestuous slurry, and begins her brooding.`

 `This doesn't mean the initial combination was for naught, however. In the slurry, more dominant genes rise to the fore, while the more recessive find less representation in the brood. Especially strong matesprit and kismesis pairings yield more dominant genetic material. The more powerful the complement or potent the rivalry, the more dominant the genes.`

 `TROLL REPRODUCTION SURE IS WEIRD. We all take a moment to lament how pedestrian the human reproductive system is, and further lament that the phrase "incestuous slurry" is not a feature of common parlance in human civilization.`

 `The grubs are then separated, and each group of grubs is given a different ritual.
 This quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature. Falling on the conciliatory side, it has no bearing on the reproductive cycle, except for indirect ramifications.`

 `When two trolls are locked in a feud or some otherwise contentious relationship, one can intervene and become their AUSPISTICE. The auspistice mediates between the two, playing the role of a peace keeper, preventing the feud from boiling over into a fully caliginous rivalry.`

 `Since such lesser feuds are quite common among trolls, there is a significant need for auspisticing parties. Without them, too many ashen feuds would become caliginous, and begin to conflict with other exclusive kismesis relationships, leading to a great deal of social complexity and sore feelings (even more so than black romance usually involves). Without auspisticism, the result would be widespread black infidelity.`

 `For the most part, trolls are polygamous. One can have as many mates as one can support, as long as they are spread out among several harems.
 The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile, especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions reside. It doesn't take much to flip a switch and transmute blackrom feelings to redrom, and vice versa.`

 `In many cases, one party will have red feelings while the other has black. But it will often be the case that one party's feelings will swap to match the other's, since there is no quadrant which naturally accommodates such a disparity. But thereafter, it's not uncommon for the two to toggle between red and black in unison now and then. These scenarios naturally result in both red and black infidelities.`

 `This sort of relationship volatility is why conciliatory relationships are an important part of troll romance. Without them, there would be a great deal of bloody feuds and probably much more social conflict than is necessary.`

 `The process of auspisting is simple.
 An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships. If the auspistice fails to mediate properly, or has no interest in the role, or perhaps has different romantic intentions him/herself altogether, then the relationship often quickly deteriorates into one of an especially hostile and torrid nature. There are many outside factors and influences tugging and pulling these relationships in different directions, and unlike humans who have very orderly, simple, straightforward romantic relationships without exception, trolls exist in a state of almost perpetual confusion and generally have no idea what the hell is going on.`

 `Being confused by troll relationships is one thing we do have in common though.`

 `I thought this was supposed to be a joke, but I'm genuinely curious as to how such a "practice" came about. How long has it been going on?
 This quadrant presides over MOIRALLEGIENCE, the other conciliatory relationship. A reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate, but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose.`

 `Trolls are a very angry and violent race. Some are more hot-tempered and dangerous than others, to the extent that if left to their own devices, they would present a serious threat to society, or even to themselves. Such trolls will have an instinctive pale attraction to a more even-tempered troll, who may become their MOIRAIL. The moirail is obliged to pacify the other, to function as the better half. The two partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles, and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful.`

 `It's often ambiguous especially among young trolls whether a bond formed between an acquaintance is true moirallegence, or the usual variety of platonic involvement. Furthermore, romantic intentions of a more flushed nature can often be mistaken for paler leanings, much to the frustration of the suitor.`

 `But some pale pairings, as the one above, will be strikingly obvious to all who know them. The significance of the pale pair is more the harbinger of strife than the instigator, but strong pale relationships are nevertheless known to be the breeding ground for trolls who are ultimately responsible for much bloodshed in the world.
 OH my god, that's fucking creepy.
 Troll relationships are known to be...complex.
 Im just a dum-dum, ain't I? The significance of this is almost impossible to be interpreted, but troll relationship problems are serious business. For one thing, there are no "tough love" solutions.
 STOP IT! This is all wrong! Troll culture is based on LOVING other trolls. Trolls can't even form "emotional" relationships with the beings of other races.
 what are you saying? Troll relationships are not based on romantic love. Trolls have an instinctive, base desire to be protective of their young, and to belong to a tribe.
 fuck that, these trolls are fucking animals.
 Don't you realize that they're animals? The rest of this section is either incomprehensible or gibberish.
 STOP IT! This is all wrong!
 clap them cheeks, pSHAW! You fucking dum-dum!
 Shut up! This is all wrong! You don't do that to trolls! I... AAAAAAARRRGH!
 clap them alien cheeks clap them human cheeks! PSHAW!
 Don't do that! That's horrible! I don't want to hear this!
 pisska pisscinos, ha ha ha ha ha ha!
 Shut up! This is all wrong!`

#### Vriska goes to the mall

AKA: Vriska fucking dies

Protagonists:

* Vriska Serket
* John Egbert
* Eridan Ampora
* Gamzee Makara
* Tavros Nitram

Other notable characters:

* Terezi Pyrope
* MOTHER
* Vriska's mother
* John's mother
* Karkat Vantas
* Karkat's mother
* The Chief
* Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
* The Minotaur

`Blinding light condenses above the hot tin roof of the storage unit. You cup your organic hand to your forehead to shield your eyes from the glare. Inside the EZ-Storage your worldly possessions have been rearranged into a semblance of your old apartment, albeit more... compressed. Terezi lets out a puff of hot air as she plants her feet next to you, sightless eyes unhampered by the afternoon sun. You punch her playfully in the shoulder. "Thanks ‘Rezi! Really, I don't know where I'd be without you." Terezi rubs her arm, grinning. "Houseless and living in a cardboard box most likely" She stretches, sore from moving box after box of your junk, then hands the candy red keys to you. "Here. These open the unit's door. The second one opens my apartment if you need food but don't wreck my stuff, got it? Call Karkat if you need any help okay? I'll be back in two months." You nod enthusiastically. "Yep! Got it! No need to worry! I'll be fiiiiiiiine." Terezi's face twists into an expression of uncertainty, but eventually she sighs to herself, gives you a squeeze, and hops into her old teal pickup truck. "DON'T FORGET TO SHOWER!" She calls out as she drives away, spraying gravel in her wake. Soon Terezi Pyrope disappears around the bend, outside the chain link enclosure. You kick the gravel from your flip flop and stare as it hits the wall, ricocheting to the ground, unable to escape the stone sea. You really don't know where you'd be without Terezi. During a bout of bad luck, you lost your job, your apartment, and most of your dignity. Your old friend offered to let you stay in her unused storage unit for free while she takes on a case in Phoenix. Now, after hitting bottom, you're back in the hometown you thought you left behind. Stuck like gravel. You're hungry. The food in Terezi's mini fridge won't last long. You should probably get a job, actually pay for food, maybe reconcile with your old friends, if they aren't losers by now. Your name is Vriska Serket. What do you do?
 You decide to buy food with some of your cash. You head out, down the sidewalk. There's a mini mart across from the bingo hall and a K-mart a few miles south.
 You enter the mini mart and sniff the air for the scent of food. The cashier is a gangly teenage boy with slicked back hair who is eyeing you nervously. You wonder if he senses your hunger.
 You step behind the counter and force your mind to a blank.
 Hmmm. You guess you could go for a hostess muffin. You grab one of the preservative stuffed bites of sugary goodness and slap in on the counter. "Is five dollars enough?" You ask the cashier.
 He nods vigorously.
 You throw him a five, grabbing a chocolate milk on your way out.
 Wait. What if you went for something more interesting?`

 `> John Egbert turn out to be the cashier all along.
 You turn and smile at the cashier.
 "Are you okay?" He asks, clearly freaked out by your sudden change in appearance.
 You see the eight barrel nerf gun in the toy aisle. You could go for that instead.
 Vriska points at the nerf gun. "I want it."
 "Okay, it's on sale." You say, grabbing it and flipping it open.
 "Alright, kid. Have fun!" She says, walking off.
 You look at the cashier, who nods.`

 `> John Egbert tell Vriska not to waste her money.
 "Don't buy the Nerf gun, Vriska. It's a stupid purchase." You say.
 "Whatever, John." She replies, walking away.
 John Egbert slowly realizes that you stole it, but it's too late since you've already sprinted eight blocks.`

 `> John Egbert says "vriska!!"
 You hear a high pitched scream from the direction of the yell. You look over your shoulder and see Vriska yelling at you from across the street. You quickly turn around and begin jogging back to her.`

 `> John Egbert says "did you steal that!!"
 Vriska pauses, mid-walk. "Yeah, so?"
 "I'm not mad, but why'd you do it?"`

 `> John Egbert says "MY MONEY?!"
 "You have too much of it, anyway."
 "You know you don't really need that many clothes, right?"
 "Well I'm used to buying things when I travel.`

 `> John Egbert says "oh my god, if you wanted the money for it, you could have asked!"
 "If I wanted the money for it, I would have already taken it, dumba--."
 You grab her hand and stare at her. "Don't do that."
 "Do what?
 "Like this sick gun" Vriska says, then pulls the trigger.
 You quickly jerk away from her, staring at the little Nerf dart in your chest.
 "sorry!” She says, sarcastically.`

 `> John Egbert be angry.
 "I think you've shot me!" You exclaim.
 Vriska looks at the dart and laughs nervously.
 "Sorry." She mutters, then walks off.
 Vriska then makes a break for it. You begin jogging to try to catch her.
 "HEY! DON'T MOVE!" A voice yells.
 You feel the burn of a dart in your neck.`

 `> John Egbert says "oh my god, give me some of the money bck!"`

 `> John Egbert says "ow!"
 "Do you want me to tell you where I got this dart?" The man with the deep voice asks.
 You pause, breathing heavily.
 "No...?"
 "I shot it at you with this gun." He says, waving it in your direction.
 You hold out your hand, hoping for your phone, keys, anything.
 "Anything?"
 He holds out his hand, revealing a watch.`

 `> John Egbert gasp for BREATH.
 You grab the watch, and hold it in your hands. The deep voice sounds again.
 "What's your name?"
 "John." You say.
 "What class are you in, John?"`

 `> John Egbert stare at the guy that shot me, as if he's crazy for expecting John Egbert to talk with a hole in John Egbert's neck.
 "I'm in 11."
 "I'm in 12." He says, before heading off.
 You feel your chest tighten as you gasp for air. It won't come.`

 `> John Egbert die and revive.
 You look down at your chest, seeing the blood spreading out over your shirt.
 You gasp, and fall to your knees.
 Then, your body begins to convulse. You vomit blood, and it's soon apparent you're dying.
 The man walks back over to you.
 "You'll be alright, kid."`

 `> John Egbert look at the man as if he is fucking insane.
 You grab at the man's leg, causing him to step back. He appears confused, and looks down at your hand.
 "Hey!" He says, pushing you away.`

 `> Eridan call the ambulance.
 "Call the... An...!" You gasp.
 Your eyes roll into the back of your head, and you fall into the dirt.
 "You sure you're alright?" The man asks.`

 `> John Egbert be too dead to respond.`

 `> John Egbert is too dead to respond.
 The man shrugs his shoulders, and walks away.
 Meanwhile, Vriska has returned to the storage unit with her loot.
 Suddenly you notice a unconcious clown sitting in the corner, he
 "Ha, ha, got his money! Do you want to go through it, or eat first?"
 "I'm really hungry..." You say.
 "Fine, do it." Vriska says. must have gotten caught in the crossfire.
 "It appears that I missed a few." Vriska says, looking at the clown's empty chest.
 "Hey Gamzee!!!!!!!! What're you doing here unconscious?"
 "Karkat?"
 "Yeah, it's me."
 "Oh, Vriska let me go first, I'll help you loot this place!`

 `> Eridan just stare at this group from afar.
 "Hmmm, these will be easily accessible once we get to the surface." Vriska says.
 "Are you sure you want to eat him?
 The sound of a honk is heard outside.
 "Yeah, let's get out of here." Vriska says.
 Vriska takes the lead, and opens the hatch to the RV.
 The honks seem to be getting closer.
 "Shit, look out!" Karkat yells.
 You quickly turn around to see a car speeding at you. You raise your arms to ward off the inevitable collision.`

 `> Eridan jump infront of the car.
 Your body flies through the air as the car crashes into you. Your organs are crushed as your body breaks into pieces. You're dead before you hit the ground.`

 `> John Egbert enter the afterlife.
 The afterlife...
 In the distance, you see several doors. One is clearly labeled "ACTIVATE," while the others simply read "NONE" in fancy lettering.`

 `> Gamzee Makara says "ErIdAn My FrIeNd NoOoOoOo!!!"`

 `> John Egbert go through "ACTIVATE" door.
 "Eridan, noooooo!" you wail.
 You begin running to him.
 "He's dead! They killed him!"
 Your cries are cut short as you feel a heavy hand grab your shoulder.The room you enter seems to be a factory of some kind. Several workers stand around directing an endless stream of goblins. They wear red vests and are organized in perfect order.`

 `> Gamzee Makara gAmZeE cOlLeCtS eRiDaN's HeAd FoR sAvEkEePiNg.
 "That'll do for now, let's get the others!" One of the workers yells.
 "You can never have too many."`

 `> John Egbert says "um...where am i?"
 The man nods, and walks over to you.
 "Glad you're on our side. You'll be helping us round up the others."
 "Others?`

 `> Tavros Nitram rolls up from behind a wall. "Behold, my factory. These are my new family Vriska"
 "HNNNNGGG"
 "Where are the others?"
 "Wait, you're one of them?
 "Yes, I am, now answer the question.`

 `> John Egbert says "what others? i am so confused."
 "I see... Well, the others are dead. You probably won't miss them."
 "I'm so sorry to hear that.`

 `> John Egbert says "am i...in the afterlife?"
 "Err, I don't follow."
 "Well, it looks like the only way to get out of here is through that door.`

 `> John Egbert says "hello?"
 "I don't think we've been introduced. I'm John."
 "Uh, my name is Eridan."
 "A pleasure, friend."
 John takes out a lighter and a book of matches.`

 `> Eridan says "what are you doing with that"`

 `> John Egbert put the lighter and matches away.
 "I'm giving you a last kindness, friend. The factory doesn't let anyone out until they've had their photograph taken."
 John strikes a match and lights the book, sending the pages spiraling to the ground."Just a little tradition."
 The door clicks, and swings open.
 "Well, shall we go?"
 You look back one last time at your friends.`

 `> Eridan says "yeah"
 John begins walking towards the door, and you follow. As you do, you see Vriska, lying on a table, naked. A goblin snaps her picture as she lies spread eagle on the table.`

 `> Eridan says "wtf"
 John walks out into the sunlight.
 "Well, I guess that's a wrap."`

 `> John Egbert says "oh my god, what the fuck!?"
 Vriska lies dead in the grass.
 You watch as John begins to levitate.
 "No...What the hell?"
 John screams, before it's too late.`

 `> Gamzee Makara cover vriska's body with a blanket to preserve her modesty.
 The sun sets.
 Vriska lies dead in the grass, as her mother approaches.
 "You...What have you done?"`

 `> Tavros Nitram starts skinning Vriska. "My legs cried out in anguish for years. Now my time has come, tyrant"
 The workers of the factory begin to arrive.
 "Vriska!" Karkat's mother exclaims, seeing her daughter dead.
 "Karkat!" He runs over, wrapping his arms around her.`

 `> John Egbert watch on in horror.
 The Chief stands, watching the two embrace.
 "It's over, Karat. Let's go home."
 The sun rises.
 "My darling boy, you should know that nothing else matters but your family."`

 `> John Egbert stare at vriska's corpse for a good 10 seconds.
 "Oh dear..."
 John stares at the corpse of his love.
 "You did this."
 "I'm sorry, my sweet. We can't let anything distract us from our duty.`

 `> Gamzee Makara has gotten high on pies.
 "Didn't see that one coming. You okay, Karat?"
 "Sure."
 "Go on inside, you'll catch a cold."
 "Okay, but..."
 The Chief sighs.`

 `> Gamzee Makara says "i'M dOwN tO mY lAsT bOtTlE aNd I dOn'T fUcKiN kNoW iF i CaN gEt AnYmOrE iN tHiS mOtHeRfUcKiN mAgIc LaNd So I dOn'T kNoW."
 "I love you, Karat. Be safe."
 Karkat nods, and heads inside.
 The sun sets.`

 `> John Egbert ask karkat what just happened.`

 `the sun cries.
 "I have no words."
 "It's okay. It's okay."
 "No, it's not."
 "Alright, alright!" Karkat calms down.Karkat stands, staring out at the setting sun.
 "Rudolph..."
 "What, bro?"
 "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
 You suddenly see the swaying body of Vriska on a pike, attached to a rocket wheel-chair. Flying off into the distance, out of Kancolle, is a blimp painted like a gigantic " Wealthy Clientèle " label.
 "I'm sorry, Karkat."
 "I can't do this.
 Rudolph kick down the door and raise the pike.
 "We can't let this man make a martyr out of himself."
 You take aim at the Rocket Man on the pike.`

 `> John Egbert says "hello? anyone? what's going on?"
 "That's it, let's roll."
 You grab your Game Boy and your flask.
 "Alright, kid. You get in the game, and I'll provide covering fire."`

 `> Tavros Nitram "Curse me for my anger and violence maybe. But this is Justice. Death to the spider"
 You sit in your seat, awaiting take-off.
 "Alright, kid. You ready?"
 "Yes."
 "Flask."
 You grab the flask and unscrew the top, taking a quick drink.
 liftoff in 10... 9... 8...
 You brace yourself.
 "Fire!"
 You fire a burst from your seat, as Karkat continues firing from his.
 Rockets blaze into the sky as the airship slowly ascends.
 Vriska's dead.
 The last photo you sent to Karkat moments before the crash looks at him from the seat-back in front of him.
 He remembers this photo, the one where she was smiling.`

 `> John Egbert stare at them in confusion.`

 `In this photo, she's still alive.You stare at the two dead bodies in front of you, and try to make sense of it.
 "This isn't real."
 Karkat is standing, aiming for the blimp.
 Suddenly Vriska's ghost rises from her body, pointing at the blimp and crying.
 "No! No, you idiot! That's a monster! A...!"
 The blimp opens fire.
 The blimp explodes`

 `> John Egbert realize what they're doing.
 , filling the sky with gore and limbs.
 Karkat looks at you, and snarls.
 "How...?"
 "We have a monster on our hands. Now, we have to kill it."
 "They're not dead!"
 Karkat and his mother are rapidly ascending the stairs.
 Karkat fires a burst of bullets at the ghost, but it vanishes without a trace.`

 `> John Egbert vomit in disgust.
 You find yourself vomiting over the side of the airship.
 "Uh, Karkat. I think we might have a problem."
 Karkat turns to you, before turning back to the carnage below.`

 `> John Egbert says "what are we doing? why did we kill them?"
 Karkat stops ascending, before turning around.
 "The airship, and these two traitors have to die. We need to find another airship.
 Meanwhile, Gamzee has gotten lost`

 `> John Egbert says "traitors? what do you mean?"
 in the massive airship, and found himself in the basement, where the kitchens are.
 He walks along the hallways, before finding himself in a fight for his life.Karkat starts moving again.
 "There's a mutiny going on, and these two are the ring-leaders! They've been planning to take over this ship!"
 He continues descending.`

 `> John Egbert says "we don't have to kill them!"
 "We can turn this ship around. There's still a chance to save them."
 "Nah, they're dead. You said so yourself.`

 `> John Egbert says "when did i say so?"
 "When you killed Vriska, and assumed she had the same regenerative capabilities as you did.
 He stops descending, as you continue to descend.
 "There's no going back now, kid.
 Suddenly, the blimp shudders as it takes fire from the ground.
 "Ah, this is just what I need. Two enemies shooting at me. Thanks a lot, you two.`

 `> John Egbert says "but, i never killed her!"
 "You didn't have to."
 Karkat pulls out his flintlock, and aims it at the ceiling.
 "Let's get this done, then."
 A portal opens up above you.
 "This is your final warning, back off or suffer the consequences."
 You aim your weapon upwards.
 "Shit, I'm too young to die.`

 `> John Egbert says "no, what are you doing?!"
 Karkat fires a burning ember at the portal. It lands on a blimp-pupil, and the crew screams in pain.
 The crew fires a burst of lead at you and Karkat, forcing you to dive out of the way. You find yourself colliding with a wall, and hiding behind a large airship console.`

 `> John Egbert grab karkat and fly away.
 Karkat runs to the console. You grab him, and begin flying away from the blimp as fast as you can.`

 `> John Egbert use John Egbert's flight powers to take off into the air.
 You begin flying upwards at a very high speed.
 The airship crew opens fire on you with more bursts of lead, as the recoil drags you back downwards. You continue flying upwards at an alarming rate.
 John pulls Karkat closer into his embrace, flying him away from the airship.
 You hear the sound of gunfire approaching you. You can tell that it's the sound of a blunderbuss.`

 `> John Egbert John Egbert get as far away from everything as John Egbert can.
 You fly towards the horizon.
 Suddenly, you find yourself levitating off the floor. You grab onto one of the consoles, finding your balance as you're thrown against it.`

 `> John Egbert says "are we safe now?"
 "Not quite." You hear the telltale sound of a blunderbuss.
 You turn your head to find yourself staring at a massive minotaur with a blunderbuss in its hands.`

 `> John Egbert run away as fast as John Egbert can along with karkat.
 The minotaur fires it's gun at you.
 You grab karkat, and fly as far away from the blunderbuss blast as you can.`

 `> John Egbert send some wind at the minotaur to knock it over.
 The minotaur screams as the wind knocks it to the ground.
 Karkat, no doubt feeling an immense amount of gratitude, flies in the air and hugs you.`

 `> John Egbert says "um, thanks."
 "No problem."
 You float in the air, watching as the minotaur struggles back to its feet. The creature opens fire with its gun, and you are forced to dodge once again.`

 `> John Egbert shoot even more wind at the minotaur.
 You fire another blast of wind at the minotaur. This causes it to fall backwards, and scream in pain.`

 `> John Egbert use John Egbert's chance to get as far away as possible.
 You begin flying away at a very high speed.
 The airship crew ceases firing, as the minotaur struggles to stand once again.`