Blood 29

**Chapter 29**

Time for Fridge Logic!

The Big Stone Witch House is under a spell that drastically slows the aging of everyone who lives there. The exact rate of aging is never detailed, but given that Nathan has lived there for 900 years and behaves like a vigorous man in his 50s or 60s, something like a 15:1 or 20:1 ratio seems possible.

Let's be conservative and assume a 12:1 ratio: for every twelve years that pass in the outside world, the inhabitants of the Big Stone Witch House age one year. This puts Nathan at physically 75, which is theoretically possible. It's been stated that most young men take approximately 200 years to learn wizardry, which means they would be physically in their late teens or very early twenties when they graduate – which, again, agrees with what we've seen already.

Why do I bring this up? Nathan was collared at age four. That means he has been aging at this slowed rate since age four. That means it took him *twelve years* to reach the physical equivalent of age five. That means it took him over a *century* to reach puberty.

Think back to when you were that young, and remember all the frustrations of being small and weak and emotionally undeveloped. Remember living in a world of towering giants whose word was law, and who dismissed your concerns as often as they appeased them. Remember the hormonal teenage years, the mood swings, the growth spurts and strange urges, the drive to become an adult even though you weren't ready – physically, mentally or emotionally – and wouldn't be for another several years.

Now imagine all that taking more than ten times as long to resolve itself. Imagine puberty taking sixty years instead of five. Imagine your voice breaking for months or years, or your period lasting months instead of days.

There's a reason most immortals are portrayed as growing at a normal, or only slightly slowed, rate until physical maturity. Tolkien's elves, for instance, were physically mature by age 20, even if they weren't considered fully adult until age 100.

Anyway. There's something special in store for us this chapter. You'll see.

We're back with Richard and Lummie, who is begging him for sex. Well, the text never specifically *says* sex, but you could cut the innuendo with a dull knife and spread it on toast. Richard is horny and desperate, and keeps reminding himself that he loves Kahlan. We learn that Lummie has been pursuing him, and he's taken to hiding in his *cloak of invisibility* to get away from her. However, he can't stand to see her distress, so he inevitably decloaks and comforts her.

Richard finally pushes Lummie out of his room and slams the door. He's wringing with sweat and presumably has a raging case of blue balls as he throws open the window to let the cold winter air in. He spends quite some time wrestling with himself (no, not like that you pervs) over whether he should just give in and bang Lummie's brains out or not. Of course, given how black and white the morality of this series has been, there's no tension whatsoever, since there's no chance that Richard could be allowed a moral failing.

Well. There's no chance that Richard could *deliberately* be allowed a moral failing.

And just to recap, I'm not going to harp on how Richard has lost his head over a sexy girl since – spoiler – he's been bespelled. Can't really blame him for the effects of the *charm person* spell that was cast on him. That's okay, though; we have plenty of other legitimate reasons to hate Richard.

Richard is about to go to bed when his door opens and Lummie comes back in, now wearing something virtually transparent. She says that she'll die if she can't bang him – er, *“be with you”* - and Richard thinks *“Dear spirits, he didn't want her to die.*

Because people often die of frustrated lust. \~/

Lummie pushes Richard onto the bed, and he pretty much gives up. I hope Lummie likes her lovers passive. Richard continues to think about how wrong this, is, but can't muster the will to actually resist. He does, however, remember Nathan telling him about his gift: *“it was within him, and anger could bring it out.”*

Last book, anger *was* his “gift.” As in, he could **only** access his powers through rage. I remember harping on the subject, as a matter of fact. If Richard's Awesome Magical Powers are now **accessible through** anger, as opposed to **being** anger, this was never established. Retcon or terrible explanation; you decide!

In any case, Richard *“[gives] himself over to that calm center, the instinct beyond the veil within his mind.”* And even assuming his power isn't rage per se, rage isn't an especially good way to *reach* your “calm center,” in my experience.

This *somehow* \~/ burns away the *charm person* spell and allows Richard to realize that he's had magic cast on him. Before he can do much with that knowledge, Lummie pulls out a knife and tries to stabbify him.

Suddenly, lizardman! A Mister leaps through the window and slashes Lummie nearly in half. Richard goes for the Sword of the Homicidal Hobo, which is lying on the floor, but the Mister stomps on it, and this exchange occurs:

*“ 'No,' it hissed. 'She was going to killssss you.' “
“ 'The same as you!' “
“ 'No. I protectssss you, skin brother.' “*

Why is the Mister adding sibilants to words that don't actually have them, while ignoring the sibilants in “she,” “was,” and “skin”? \~/

Also, having the reptilian call you “skin brother” just can't be good.

The Mister flees, and Richard is overcome with the visual of Lummie being disemboweled, and pukes. This rings false. This is meant to show Richard's disgust with violent death and gore, but he's been *perpetrating* violent death and gore since Book 1. Remember Clown Shoe Man? Remember the Fish Richard deliberately dismembered and left to die slowly and in agony? Remember when Richard was repeatedly tortured for over a month? Remember Richard hacking up a dead woman so Gratch could eat her corpse?

Yeah. Not buying it. \~/

Also, in case we don't quite comprehend what just happened, we get this paragraph:

*“He stared at [Lummie's] face. He couldn't imagine the feelings he had had for her that he now only dimly remembered. She was just an ordinary woman. But she had been shrouded in magic. It was some sort of spell that had overpowered his reason. He had come to his senses with no time to spare. His gift had broken the spell.”*

You know, call me crazy, but I think there *may* have been magic involved somewhere.

Anyway, Richard . . . um . . . there's no nice way to phrase this . . . ogles the dead, disemboweled woman's exposed breasts.

Yyyyyyeah. \~/

*“A cold feeling that gave him goose bumps turned his attention to her breasts.”* Richard notices that Lummie's left nipple is fake, and takes it off. Then . . .

*“The calm center within radiated an aura of comprehension. This was connected to the spell she had over him. He didn't know how, but it was.”*

Richard Just Knows. \~/ Because now his ill-defined gift can detect and analyze magical effects.

Also, the construction of that sentence makes it sound like Richard's “calm center” is a separate organism that can think and be aware of things.

Our Hero goes to the door and orders Berdine to fetch the other two Dominatrices. He then has an uninteresting conversation with Egan, Aryan Boy #1, about not letting strange women into the Lord Rahl's chambers without his explicit permission.

The three Dominatrices arrive, and Richard . . . orders them to strip. Well, specifically, he orders them to *“ 'Show me your breasts.' ”* \~/ I'm taking a drink for that because, although it makes sense given what Richard just witnessed, the fact that **we're dealing with nipple-based sorcery** makes this “sexual for no good reason.” Also, remember, the Dominatrices are one and all the victims of some of the vilest sexual abuse it has ever been my displeasure to read about, so this is even worse for them than it would be for *any* woman ordered to expose herself for her mad overlord.

Cara pops her tits, and Richard examines them. I'll just bet he does. Raina does likewise, and Richard *“gave her breasts the same careful appraisal.”*

Berdine is understandably pissed, but Richard orders her to spill 'em, so she does. To the vast astonishment of everyone who hasn't read the first half of this book, she's missing her left nipple. This surprises Raina and Cara, but Richard orders them out of the room, over their protests. Unlike Paolini, Goodkind does remember to specify that they're buttoning themselves back up as they leave.

Berdine, though, does no such thing.

Berdine begins verbally abusing Richard and attacking him with her +5 Riding Crop of Pain while Richard tries to talk sense into her. Richard doesn't fight back, even disarming himself when Berdine demands that he fight her, but he makes it clear that he doesn't want to die – if Berdine wants to kill him, she'll have to knowingly break her bond with him as Lord Rahl. It's actually a pretty well-written scene, and one I have no problem with – Richard asserts his position as Berdine's protector even as she is his, and places his life in her hands rather than break faith with her and reaffirm her status as a killing machine. This is eventually sufficient to allow Berdine to at least partially overcome the spell, and she collapses into Richard's arms, crying and begging him to just kill her.

Although she does say that *“ 'They hurt me [. . .] Nothing ever hurt like that before.' ”* Which, given the horrifically brutal training all Dominatrices undergo, I have a hard time believing.

Richard sits on the bed, holding Berdine as she cries helplessly. *“Without thinking about what he was doing, or even understanding the reason, he cupped his hand over her left breast.”*

Dammit Richard! Now is NOT the time!

Also, Richard Just Knew. \~/

To make a long story short, Richard . . . um . . . vacuum's Berdine's pain out through her boob, simultaneously experiencing *“the torment of her life, the torture of what it meant to become a Mord-Sith, and the anguish of her former self lost.”* This breaks the spell on Berdine and restores her nipple, no doubt saving her lucrative porn star career.

Richard buttons Berdine back up as Cara and Raina, having returned at some point, gush over how awesome he is. \~/ All three Dominatrices offer him their +5 Riding Crops of Pain, which causes Richard to ponder the Sword of the Homicidal Hobo and how much he hates it (which has been referenced all of once, but it's pretty much required for Angsty Sues to hate their powers). He asks the Dominatrices to keep their crops for now, promising that one day they can all be free of their weapons and dance in the sunshine with butterflies and bunny rabbits.

Richard ponders why the Mister didn't kill him – indeed, saved him – and remembers that the other Misters he's fought in Aydindril were intent on killing Gratch, but only fought *him* when forced to. He random scratches his neck and mentions *“a spot that's always itching.”*

Drinks: 9

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