Headhunters 5: The Elite Eleven

## Introduction

A fate so certain that I'm writing this sentence at half time of the Sunday night game.

## In Memorium: deCaPitated

DeCRAPitated was doomed the minute he texted me Wednesday afternoon saying "at least I have headhunters." Glorio's cruelty knows no limits.

The cracks started to show in week six. C.J. Stroud and Tyrod Taylor weren't exactly screaming "top team." But if they were screaming "middle of the pack," Jordan Love and Deshaun Watson in week 7 were screaming "time to go home."

And every once in a while, that's what Headhunters needs. A week where it's clear who is going home and the rest of us get to relax for a change. By the third quarter of the 1pm games, Cooper had 0, Bijan had 0, and Deshaun Watson (OUT) had -1.50. Brian Robinson had a respectable 9.40, but then finished with just 9.58. CP was projected for under 100 points, before rallying in the late window to at least get to triple digits.

So what went wrong? Well, Deshaun Watson got injured after completing one pass for five yards. That's one yard for every six women that he sexually assaulted. He now goes back on to the scrap heap and will await the next dunce to make the mistake of starting him.

And then there was Bijan. Oh, Bijan. Much has already been written about the headache that shook a nation of fantasy footballers. But even if Bijan had managed 30 points, it still wouldn't have been enough to save CP. Nothing on the roster could have saved him, either. Sure, Zeke was on the bench outscoring 6 of the 10 starting roster spots, but 11.03 isn't exactly worth its weight in FAAB. Surviving the bye weeks of Chase and CeeDee was never going to be easy, and it turned out to be too much for the scoring champion to overcome.

Now the scoring crown is up for grabs. Can any team survive long enough to climb the mountain and finish the season with the most combined points in Headhunters history, or has CP done enough to hold them off? Only time will tell, but for now it's another disappointing finish for CP.

deCaPitated:

## Weeks Survived (2019 v 2020 v 2021 v 2022 v 2023)

Of the seven eliminations so far, only one (Jethro) was an improved placement from the season before. Of the first seven teams eliminated in 2022, four are still alive (What Hurts Moore, Obi-Wan, Extra Tight, Müller).

## Dead Money

Keeping track of all the cash that never got spent by teams that are now eliminated.

Dead Money 2023

CP only had $136 left, but no amount of money could buy him the relief he needed to survive the byes.

## Top New Releases

Another interesting week as yet again injuries plagued the team getting chopped.

1. Ja'Marr Chase
2. CeeDee Lamb
3. Bijan Robinson as long as he's not pooping himself
4. Dallas Goedert
5. Brian Robinson

## Week Seven Bidding Results

### Quick-Hit Thoughts

* Last Year's Most Expensive Player: Darrell Henderson - $16 (Müller Lite). This was a non-elimination week last year.
* Biggest Overpay: Alexander Mattison (for the second week in a row! Last week it was $76 over next highest bid, this week it is $75 over the next highest bid - Monty's Python
* Narrowest Margin of Bid Victory: Kenneth Walker III ($8 over next hight bid - Extra Tight Ends)
* A really exciting week of bidding, with some really narrow wins for the top players.
* Müller Lite had a byepocalypse week staring him down, and came up excrutiatingly short with four runner-up bids, but still put together an amazing performance with bargain bin players like Foreman (Free), Tutu ($1) and Cleveland Defense ($9).
* What Hurts Moore playing chess with a $1 pick up of NYJ D, who will come off their bye to face the Giants this week.
* Henry VIII straight up forgot to put in any waiver claims and then had their best week, maybe in their franchise history. Wild time.
* Kyle Pitts has become a hot commodity. Is he maybe a thing now?

## Excessive Spend

Excessive spend is anything over a single dollar more than the next highest bid for the player you won, and does not take into account the talent level or value of the player.

## Money Spent Per Week

Another busy week in HH as we approach the half-way point on the season.

## Week Seven Results

* Biggest Climber: Henry VIII (^9)
* Biggest Faller: Monty's Python (v8)

KVR finishes in 6th, making him the only team to not get a writeup in the top five/bottom five writeup this week. SAD!

## Draft Dodgers

Well, it worked last year, but not as well this year. The last pick in the draft is gone after seven weeks, though it is less a product of draft position and more a product of poor bye management.

## Kings of the Castle

### 1. Extra Tight Ends

Continues to wow without a 2nd QB, and this week they even did it with "only" 27.60 from Tyreek Hill. Not much left to say about this team, they're up here every week and they are nearly unstoppable except for that pesky week 10 that is looming larger and scarier than Brittney Mahomes in a box suite any time Taylor Swift is trying to mind her own business and watch football.

### 2. Henry VIII

Steve Smith Jr. may have called Jerry Jeudy a JAG but he and his fellow JAG-mates Jayden Reed, Ray-Ray McCloud, and Najee Harris, all helped Henry to one of his best weeks in team history. They'll need to survive two more weeks without Deebo, and week 9 is a scary week of byes, but for now it's just nice to (almost) win one.

### 3. Müller Lite

Despite Justin Herbert's best effort to tank this team's hopes, Lite lit it up yet again thanks to D'Onta Foreman off free agency, James Cook from a trade with El Diablo, and Christian Kirk (drafted 102nd overall). His bench looked like an NSYNC merch stand (everywhere you looked you saw bye, bye, bye), but thanks to some savvy work he now gets to say hey, hey, hey to week 8.

### 4. Never Done This Before

This team isn't still supposed to be here! After spending all their money as if a doctor told them their roster had two weeks left to live, Never Done This has outlived their prognosis and is thriving on the back of Josh fucking Downs and all manner of friends whose names start with J. In fact, the five players with J names averaged 22.74 points in week 7 (of course I include Jacksonville). Get Justin Fields back in there and this team could be unstoppable!

### 5. Obi-Wan Mahomie

Maybe a little less speed on the streets and a little more on the field and Chris Olave might have a chance at breaking his projection for a change. Obi-Wan's middleOfThePackology seems to have them in a prime spot, though 64.94 from Mahomes definitely helped hide -0.08 from Elijah Mitchell and 5.38 from Antonio Gibston.

## On the Chopping Block

### 11. Monty's Python

The worst week of the season for Monty, dropping below their 173.14 in week 3 and failing to reach projection for the first time all year. It could have been an all-time shocking exit for the second-highest scoring franchise in the league. Granted, there were a few byes, but this really was the product of their entire RB group shitting the bed (Ekeler, Moster, and Mattison).

### 10. Tee Diggs my RIP for sure-oh

May have overspent on those two QBs that are no longer on their roster, but at least that and some pennies got flipped for a solid WR. It must be some relief that Rashid Shaheed is no longer the second best receiver on the team. With Moore there, and Tee coming back, sure-oh is trending up-ish.

### 9. Jeff Probst' Tribe

Finished in the top ten despite rolling out Kalif Raymond in the superflex, Cole Kmet goose-egging, and Keenan Allen looking like Quentin Johnston against the Chiefs. Tua looked human, getting outscored by Gus fucking Edwards. Now the biggest challenge for Probst will be surviving a trip to New Zealand, the very thing that tanked Commish nearly a year ago to the week.

### 8. Headless Horsemen

Faired well with the last minute OUT designation for Metcalf and with Burrow on the bye. Jonnu was the only member of the active roster that did not crack 10 (9.10), and Jonathan Taylor finally took back control of the Indy backfield. Rashee Rice looks like a thing, too. Headless Horsemen seems to be getting stronger despite no big new acquisitions.

### 7. What Hurts Moore?

Traded Moore to Tee Diggs for Gardner Minshew and enough money to buy a new blu-ray at Target but not enough to splurge for a 4K. With Tyrod expecting to be back on the bench and Hurts' bye coming up in week 10, this I guess bolsters the position for now, and the surplus of WR talent certainly affords them the luxury of dealing a WR2 talent. Though I have to imagine its a solemn feeling, watching potential trade partners drop off week after week.

## Unique Players Started

How many unique players (Defense included) were started by each team. The table can be sorted by players and also by week eliminated.

NOTE: Hasta Laviska has 9 total players started, even though there are 10 roster spots. That's because he started Mark Andrews week 1, who was an inactive player and thus does not count towards the total.

## Dungeon Dwellers

2023 teams that finished second-to-last, narrowly avoiding elimination:

I guarantee 154 isn't going to keep you alive for many more weeks.

## Single Season Scoring Records

As teams get eliminated, their single season performance will appear here. Bolded lines indicate performances from the current season.

## All-Time Combined Points Scored

Same as above: eliminated teams will have their 2023 season added to the total. Bolded lines indicate that the record has been updated through 2023.

The game is on. Can anyone touch 11,795 points in 2023? Odds are no, but Tee Diggs at least has an outside chance, if they managed another championship appearance.