Chick Magnet

**Chick Magnet** is episode 17a of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on May 15, 1999.

## Synopsis

Edward and Eric are raising a chicken that can lay golden eggs. When Bill manages to steal it without the brothers noticing, he quickly learns the hard way that, upon consumption, the eggs are highly poisonous and will kill whoever ate it in thirty minutes.

## Cast (WIP)

* Andrew Rannells as Edward
* Josh Peck as Eric
* Clancy Brown as Bill
* Edward Felker as Stanley
* Gary Sauls as Constantinos
* Eric Stuart as Terry and Barry
* Mike Pollock as Satan

## Trivia

* Although this episode premiered in 1999, it was produced in 1998 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.
* This episode reveals Bill is allergic to frog legs.
* This premiered during Kids' WB's BNL Day.
* When this episode premiered, it was paired with Homeless.
* This episode is available to watch on the Coulrophobia VHS and DVD, and The Complete Second Season box set.

## Transcript

(At the front of Avenue A Apartment, Chauncey takes off in his mail truck [which has a picture of a snail on it])

**Everyone:** MAIL DAY! HOORAY!

(They unwrap their packages)

**Terry and Barry:** Turtleneck! (they put on a, well, turtleneck sweater)

**Constantinos:** (takes out a self-help book) "How to Get Your Life Back, and Eventually, Your Money from Buying This, Too". Just what I needed!

**Edward:** (ecstatic) Oh boy, Eric! Our chicken should be here right about now.

**Eric:** A chicken! Say, how many people will it serve?

**Edward:** (laughs) A different kind of chicken, Eric.

**Eric:** Hey, don't call me a coward!

**Edward:** Not that either!

(A stork flies in and gives Edward a clipboard, which the stork is carrying it with its beak. He writes his signature, and the stork gives him a miniature chicken coop)

**Edward:** (shows Eric) Dad thought it would be good if we gave Oscar a little friend.

**Eric:** (laughs and cheers, clapping his hands; then, he stops) So what is it?

**Edward:** The precious Goldimus Maximus Brava, an extraordinarily rare poultry capable of laying golden eggs.

**Eric:** (gasps) Gold!

(The camera pans above to the Breault penthouse, where Stanley is viewing everything from binoculars. Bill is watching the stock market crash)

**Bill:** See anything worth stealin', boyo?

**Stanley:** (faces Bill) Nope. I see a portly, balding man with an inferiority complex, in debt to half of the city. Not worth anything, if you were to ask me.

(Camera immediately cuts to the binocular lenses shattered, implying Stanley was beaten with The Paddle)

**Bill:** I'll repeat myself again. Do you see anything worth stealin'?

**Stanley:** (sarcastically) Kinda hard to do that with a *black eye*.

(And then it instantly cuts to the lenses shattered even more)

**Bill:** There you go, two black eyes should do. Now check the courtyard as I asked.

**Stanley:** Terry and Barry have hand-knit turtlenecks.

**Bill:** Huh, I could use them for my fishing poles. What else?

**Stanley:** Jason, Grayson, Mason and Hasten have baseball caps.

(We see them tipping their caps, which they do at the exact same time)

**Bill:** I already got a whole box of 'em I "borrowed" from the kid's hospital!

**Stanley:** How about some sneakers?

**Bill:** Too small.

**Stanley:** Yo-yos?

**Bill:** COME ON, STANLEY! No more kiddy stuff! Check the two devils.

**Stanley:** Uhh, (we see the brothers watching the chicken lay an egg) a chicken laying golden eggs.

**Bill:** Golden eggs. Doesn't sound as- (suddenly, he screams in excitement) ***GOLD?!!?*** OOOOOH! LEMME SEE! (he rushes in, pushing Stanley aside, and he grabs the binoculars, viewing into it) IMAGINE MY LUCK! The rarest chicken on the planet.

**Stanley:** Uhh, I didn't realize you liked animals that described you.

(Bill gives him a death glare before putting the binoculars back on)

**Bill:** (licks his lips) I can almost taste the exotic enzymes melting in my- (he screams upon seeing the brothers tossing the egg around) WHAT ARE THEY DOING?! They can't do it to something so delicate! (opens the window) I only have one way to steal that chicken. Beat 'em at their own game.

(He jumps out the window and screams bloody murder as the camera cuts to the brothers still having fun)

**Eric:** How does it do that, Edward?

**Edward:** Its eggs are iconic for its bouncy nature.

**Eric:** Just like the old people at the hospital! Fun to see how far they'll last down the stairs. They really love it! Screaming means they're having fun, right?

(Edward is absolutely horrified, but then they resume to playing as if nothing happened. We hear punching from a distance, and then Bill walks in)

**Edward:** Salutations, Mr. Breault!

**Bill:** (with a cap he beat up one of the 4 twin brothers for) Hi there, buddies! Whatcha doin'? Mind if I join in on the fun?

**Edward:** Sure thing, Mr. Breault! We were unaware you even found fun satisfactory.

**Eric:** Yeah, we thought you only liked yelling.

**Bill:** Of course I like fun! (tips his baseball cap) See? I have a fun baseball cap, worn at the right angle.

(We see the name "Mason" on it)

**Eric:** That *is* fun! But didn't you beat up Mason for that?

**Bill:** Of course not. Mason is my nickname.

**Edward:** (points down to Bill's sneakers, which has Constantinos' name on them in marker; suspiciously) Is your nickname also Constantinos?

**Bill:** Are you ACCUSING me of something?

**Both:** (afraid) No...

**Bill:** Well, good! (he shakes his butt and clenches his buttcheeks before opening them wide) Now let's just put these misunderstandings behind us (he grabs the chicken with his buttcheeks) and have some fun.

(The brothers cheer)

**Bill:** Alright then. (as he walks backwards, the sounds of a truck reversing plays) I guess I better get going.

**Eric:** (he gets highlights in his eyes) But Mr. Breault! I thought we were gonna have fun.

**Bill:** Don't worry, it's been real swell.

**Edward:** But we never got to play with the chicken's eggs.

(Bill's pupils shrink as he slowly looks down, and he notices that he grabbed a wasp's nest with his buttcheeks instead. A swarm of wasps pop out. He screams bloody murder as he gets stung all over, and he runs for his life before jumping into the apartment's pool)

(Camera transitions to a shot of Bill's stung, swollen buttocks. It pans out to reveal him pushing Eric on a swing)

**Eric:** Isn't this fun, Mr. "Mason"? Huh, "Mason"? Are you having fun? Is this fun for you?

**Bill:** (under his breath) Maybe if I push harder, I will. (in his mind) I can't take this infantile madness anymore. Just look at them, with their dirty fingers, and that desecrating, valuable chicken sitting on the bench!

(He gets so angry that he pushes Eric hard enough to spin around in a circle. However, he ends up getting smacked and launched. Bill screams, and he lands on a tree. The wasps from earlier appear)

**Bill:** (nervously chuckles) How's the queen doing?

(Camera transitions to Bill walking out of Lakeside City Park, angrily mumbling. Suddenly, he spots the chicken tied up to a giant dartboard)

**Bill:** (runs up to it) Now you're mine!

(At that moment, he sees three darts coming for him, and they stab him in the butt, causing him to scream)

**Eric:** Oops! Sorry, Mr. "Mason"!

(Later that day, Bill is in the courtyard, crawling to the apartment while groaning in pain. He sees the brothers petting the chicken)

**Bill:** (gasps) Hey, guys! Look above! It's...it's a thing!

(They quickly look in the sky. Bill moves fast enough to swiftly steal the chicken, and he runs up to the penthouse, slamming the door shut. He laughs and kisses the chicken)

**Eric:** I still don't see anything.

**Edward:** (sighs) Oh well. Wait, where did Mr. "Mason" go?

**Eric:** (gasps) THE CHICKEN IS MISSING! Who would do such an atrocious crime against humanity?!

(In the penthouse, Bill menacingly laughs, and he squeezes an egg out of the chicken)

(The brothers are sitting near the apartment's pool)

**Eric:** We're never going to find something as fun as that chicken.

**Edward:** Wait a minute, we could ask Mr. Breault- I mean, "Mason", for assistance.

**Eric:** I think you're right, Edward.

(Bill is seen grinning as he cracks the egg and puts it into a blender. He applies pepper)

**Eric:** (offscreen) If there's anybody who knows about the chicken more than we do, it just has to be him!

(The brothers walk up to the penthouse)

**Edward:** But don't you think there's a possibility he has turned it into baked chicken by now? No, wait, that would be improbable.

(Bill puts the finished product into a glass. He gives it a rough shake)

**Eric:** (offscreen) What? Why?

(Bill puts hot sauce and mayonnaise into the liquefied egg)

**Edward:** (offscreen) Well, it's like this, Eric. (Bill mixes the drink) The chicken originates from Rio Tinto in southwestern Spain. (and then he takes a sniff) Nobody ever swims in the river because of how highly acidic it is. (and he chugs it) So even if you drank a millimetre of a portion, you will only have thirty minutes to live.

**Bill:** (pats his chest) Tangy, yet robust.

(A knock on the door is heard)

**Bill:** Who is it?

(The brothers enter)

**Edward:** Mr. "Mason", we were just wondering if you had- (gasps in horror) ***MR. "MASON"!!!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!!?***

(A cracked egg is seen)

**Edward:** Oh no! You just ate an egg, didn't you?! It's poisonous!

**Bill:** (unfolds a newspaper and reads it) Now now, I understand you're upset about being outwitted by a nimble-minded, cunning adult, but that is no excuse for telling fibs.

**Eric:** (shivering in fright) But it's not a fib! You will die in exactly thirty minutes! THE EGGS ARE DEADLY!!!!

**Edward:** It comes from the Rio Tinto!

**Bill:** Children, I'm sure this is all quite humorous. But I don't have any time to be entertained by your ridiculous stories about-

(Suddenly, he sees a headline reading...)

**Bill:** Deadly? Rio? Tinto?! CHICKEN?! EGGS?!