Grobianismus

## Kingdom of Grobianismus

### Borders

Empire of Elanxa (North); Kokaine (East); Empire of the Scatomancers (South); Urine Woods, The Seven Castles, The Chill Steppe (West)

## Society

### Biggest Cities

Insert Cities Here

**Grobianismus** is a land so poor that the peasants meddle in shit and mud and disease in their own cities, with a circle of sorcerers to the south taking advantage of these poor people's obsession with feces and dirt, stripping them of any penny with empty prophecies and fortune telling. Adjacent to the Kingdom of Grobianism lie the **Urine Woods**, the Seven Castles and the Domain of the notorious Scatomancers.

The Medieval Kingdom is located to the relative east of the continent. Everything stinks and is soacked in a muddy green-brownish color palette. People are farting, shitting and raping everywhere. From this place the brown plague originated which is just like the black plague but the suffering takes three times as long and is considerably more painful. There's also a comically evil Inquisition that burns everyone at the stake for even the slightest suspicion of being a witch which can be everything from having sex before marriage, having red hair or getting accused to be a witch by the neighbors. Everyone has really bad manners and behaves like described in the lyrical style of medieval Grobianismus known from works like the Narrenschiff. Nobody bathes, Horses can't enter towns because the mud is knee deep on a good day, pigs are everywhere, the average lifespan is 30 years and everyone who isn't a peasant fucks their relatives to keep the bloodline pure. The peasants just do it for fun. The favorite weapon is the flail and people keep coming up with ridicolously elaborate torture devices which is pretty much the only innovation coming from there. There's a weird psychoanalytical fixation on excrement going on and the humor, art and poetry from this nation are nothing but fart jokes. People are very scared to go to hell but for some strange reason they just seem to do everything they can to go there despite comitting suicide. Everyone except the caricaturesque noblemen who are ugly as sin and wipe their asses with how much gold they have, is really fucking poor, miserable and basically a slave. Think Pasolini's most abysmal scat fantasy crossed with the peasants from Monty Python's holy grail.

Sir Henry the Brave is a knight of the Kingdom of Grobianismus known far and wide for his effectiveness in slaying and maiming disgusting peasants in their brutal and vicious revolts (In which they villainously demand to not be starving to death). He is considered a patriot and hero by the king and the nobility and is admired by many of the ladies in court as a tall dark and handsome brute.

## History

The history of Grobianismus is a convoluted mess that few have any interest in picking apart.

The accepted view among most academics is that Grobianismus was once Mourndaria, a kingdom within the Merfolk Empire. Like other former components of the Merfolk Empire, it was cursed by the god Uun, in this case cursing the inhabitants to be abnormally dumb and crude.

However, this version of history has never really appealed to more secular minded scholars, some of whom have tried to sort through the many conflicting local versions of the nation’s history, all of which are outlandish and scatological.

 File:The traditional grobianistic custom of defecating in the forest. .jpg
Due to the many conflicting accounts of local history, not much is known of Grobianismus’s early beginnings following Uun’s curse. Some say Grobianismus means “land of shit” in at least a few of the now forgotten local pidgin languages, but there is no modern evidence of this, and those who repeat it in the wrong places risk being tried by the local Inquisition for insulting national honor.

A sinister component of Grobianismus’s curse is that any who spend too much time in this land inevitably become just as dimwitted as the locals. As a result, few have ever tried to conquer this region (or indeed even enter it). However, occasionally the power hungry, contrarian, insane, and/or desperate foreigners will manage to topple local nobles (not a huge accomplishment) before gradually becoming just as idiotic as those they replaced.

The most recent of these reckless conquerors was an exiled baron from the Dren’Ul Peaks region (who were themselves exiles from Tarot). The baron retained his sanity long enough to make himself king of Grobianismus, before losing touch with reality and going insane. His descendants have proven to be even more erratic and incompetent than Grobianismus’s usual leaders, demanding constant praise of their looks, alleged longevity, "brilliant" economic schemes, and creative historical revisions.

## Government

Grobianismus is in theory a feudal system, with a noble class of knights, barons, earls, and dukes leading up to the king. In practice, many of the lesser nobles are too inept to provide even basic governance, and local leadership instead shifts between the biggest bullies and various self declared wise men and religious figures.

The senior nobility are almost completely out of touch with reality, yet somehow their authority is still usually respected. These nobles attract courts of yesmen, foreigners, and idiot savants who use their ruler’s authority to force their dubious interpretations of their ruler’s even more dubious edicts upon the common folk.

These courtiers fill a wide range of roles (poorly) including magistrates, scholars, chamberlains, treasurers, town criers, priests, artisans, stool samplers, and heralds, but the most dangerous of these useless idiots are the knights and the inquisitors.

The knights are essentially just glorified bullies, abusing their authority constantly, and rarely following commands more complicated than “kill x”. Most are related to the local mid-tier nobility, but some are local or foreign thugs of moderate competence, as even the nobles know they need to keep peasants in line. The knights are usually assisted by poorly equipped men-at-arms, and also sometimes by pig orcs or scatomancers working as mercenaries.

The inquisitors are even more dangerous. Despite frequent changes to religious dogma, and the occasional downfall and replacement of entire religions, there never seems to be a shortage of high strung fanatics running around persecuting unbelievers/randomly murder people. Many of these inquisitors are self-appointed, as even among the cursed inhabitants of Grobianimus, there are some of unusual energy and/or charisma. However, the most skilled are often foreigners, arriving perhaps for missionary work or scholarly ventures only to get sucked into the insanity of the curse.

## Economy

Despite appearances, the inhabitants of Grobianismus are capable of basic agriculture, mostly thanks to the fertile lands and ideal climate. Pigs, chickens, cows, and goats are often better treated than family members, vegetable gardens and grain farms grow haphazardly near homesteads, and some villagers seem to have an intuitive knowledge of how to make basic clothes, tools, and most importantly, how to brew primitive alcohol, though such items are inevitably misused and damaged by other villagers.

Most villagers rely on a rudimentary bartering economy, but nobles are sometimes able to trade with foreigners for the many goods their own nation is unable to produce. Typically Mourdarian artifacts, old coins, and foreign fugitives are traded for the mid-quality clothes and garish but fake jewelry that Grobianismusian nobles rely on to distinguish themselves from the rabble (sometimes a single mediocre outfit will be worn for generations of the same noble family before it finally disintegrates from overuse).

The royal family is infamous for its abysmally stupid get rich schemes, a few of which have actually worked somehow. The most successful is a scheme to sell human feces to foreigners, which has had some success with the Scatomancers, the inhabitants of the Urine Woods, and occasionally with Luden and the Seven Castles Baronies.

## Foreign Relations

### Scatological Wizards

The royal family of Grobianismus was manipulated into granting a portion of their kingdom to these lunatic exiles from Tarot in return for little. Fortunately, the Wizards are too addled themselves to exploit the situation, and contribute to the local economy greatly by vastly overpaying for shit while offering their own (occasionally valuable) services for a fraction of their worth.

### Urine Woods

Originally called this for its yellowish leaves and geysers, it is now home to urine obsessed magic users who are nearly as insane as their feces-obsessed cousins. The Urine Woods are generally considered a part of Grobianismus, even by its inhabitants.

### The Chill Steppe

Grobianismus has long been at war with the Soomi inhabitants of the Steppe, but have consistently suffered military defeats.

### Seven Castle Baronies

Grobianismus has occasionally gone to war with them, but most of the time they are at peace. Particularly smart (which isn’t saying much) inhabitants of Grobianismus will sometimes go there to work as mercenary fodder or as laborers.

### Kokaine

Peasants and nobles from Grobianismus frequently settle in Kokaine, where they make up much of the population. Demons from Kokaine have recently become a problem, and to everyone’s surprise, Grobianismus has made some headway in containing them.

### Luden

Probably the only race even more dysfunctional than the Grobianismusians, the Ludenese do some trade with Grobianismus, and even tolerate immigration from these lands.

### Seagard and Elanxa

Are well aware that Grobianismus is cursed and avoid it. Even goods and slaves from Grobianismus are generally forbidden, though some unethical individuals do it in secret anyways.

### Anchovia

Sometimes sells white death in exchange for slaves. It is widely believed that spending too much time around someone from Grobianismus will cause the same decrease in intelligence that spending time in Grobianismus will, but the elite of Anchovia care even less for their common folk than those in Elanxa, so they don’t see this as a drawback.

### Witch-elven Empire and Dominion of the Bog Witch

There appears to be some link between Grobianismus and these two evil empires halfway across the world. No one knows for sure why the witch-elves and hags would have such an interest in a dirt poor nation so far from their borders. Some say they find the very existence of Grobianismus as highly humorous, others say they have some sort of alliance with the Scatomancers, yet others say they find exiling those out of favor to Grobianismus to be a cruel and fitting punishment, and a few whisper they have some dark interest in the nature of the evil deep within Kokaine. Either way, the witch-elves and the hags sometimes send prisoners, slaves, servants, and military goods to Grobianismus, though what they receive in return is unclear.

## Geography

Grobianismus benefits from a warm, temperate climate and fertile lands, it is doubtful the Grobianismusians would be able to survive in most other climates.

The land is covered with a disorganized mess of forests, meadows, and fields, some active, some overgrown. Most inhabitants live in homesteads and small hamlets. Farm buildings and homesteads are often crude structures of sticks, straw, and sometimes stone, timber, and/or waddle and daub, that are prone to collapse or flooding.

The few towns are usually based around old Mourndarian ruins. To the surprise of many, some Grobianismusians are capable of building decent quality half-timber houses and even large stone structures. Such structures are generally found in the larger towns, giving them an almost civilized appearance. However, such towns are often deficient in other ways. In particular, the lack of sewer systems or proper roads means the streets of such towns are sucking swamps of mud and sewage.

Some Mourndarian ruins feature oddly lifelike, but buffoonish statues. It is said by some these are the cursed spirits of the old Mourndarian elite.

## Demographics

### Grobianismusians

Make up the majority of the population. Descended from the cursed inhabitants of Mourndaria, their appearance and mannerisms are said to be based on an extremely exaggerated caricature of the Northmen, a race the Mourndarians considered to be dim-witted, ugly, and crass in comparison to themselves. Grobianismusians are infamous for their strange inbred appearances, limited intelligence, and their strange fixation with bodily functions. Despite the fact that many consider them to be barely above animals in terms of intelligence, certain individuals are known to be very charismatic, or to be capable as artisans or at other tasks despite not understanding the underlying principles of what they do.

### Foreign Humans

Will sometimes travel to Grobianismus for various reasons, where they can usually quickly establish themselves at a high level of society as knights, scholars, merchants, magistrates, artisans, religious demagogues, etc. Due to the curse of Grobianismus, such individuals quickly become increasingly irrational, vacuous, obsessed with bodily functions, and/or outright insane. However, they are generally more capable than native Grobianismusians even if they manage to live for decades, and are more attractive than natives as well, despite often forgetting the basics of hygiene.

### Pig Orcs

These brutish thugs of unclear origin can be found scattered across the world, generally in the service of some form of evil. Never too bright or hygienic to begin with, spending time in Grobianismus doesn’t seem to effect them much, so it is common to see them in the service of the Scatomancers, or certain nobles as mercenaries.

### Ludenese Ratfolk

Sometimes settle in Grobianismus. No one pays them much mind (unless a local inquisitor decides to go after them).

### Kokaine Demons

Sometimes found in eastern Grobianismus (the borders are vague) and sometimes further west.

### Other Foreigners

Witch-elves who have fallen out of favor with the ruling class are occasionally sold to Grobianismusian elites as sex slaves. Such individuals are typically subject to many powerful geas to prevent them from disobeying orders, escaping, killing everyone, and/or taking over the nation. Few fates are seen as more humiliating. Witch-elves and the servants of the bog-witch sometimes sell captives to Grobianismus with similar geas as sex slaves, while other individuals are subject to geas that force them to provide military and magical advice/service.

## Religion

The theocracy of Grobianismus is a mess. Most religious figures have no real training and just make stuff up based on their perceptions of how religion should work. There is generally some acknowledgement of a creator god, who is often called Uun, though has more in common with the northern creator gods than how the real Uun was once worshipped. There is also a hell, ruled by a female figure who attempts to corrupt mortals with sin. She seems to be based on Gogotha (ironically worshipped by two of Grobianismus’s main secret backers), though the imagery is mostly inspired by the creatures of Kokaine.

Despite some attempts by priests to instill moral values, most Grobismusians seem to take great pleasure in ignoring every moral they are taught. Priests and inquisitors rarely make much effort to stamp out such behavior though, as they are more concerned with rooting out “witches” and “heretics” though few agree on what those words actually mean.

## Military

Grobianismus’s military is generally considered useless and incompetent. It is made up of knights in archaic plate mail and wielding swords and flails, and men-at-arms in crude, if any, armor and wielding whatever junk is available. Tactics are often laughably bad, to the point even blindly charging superior forces often ends up being better than what nobles come up with when they try to be smart.

However, thanks to the Scatomancers and agents of the witch-elves and bog-witch, some moderately competent strategies have been adopted like digging defensive lines, use of burning pitch, and other basic medieval siege tactics.

The increasing popularity of pig orc mercenaries and the increasing involvement of the Scatomancers and their strange magic has also made Grobianismus’s army more competent, though mostly just on the Kokaine front where most can be found.