Surreal Guidance

**Surreal Guidance**

Information

Label
INTERNAL USE ONLY

Owner(s)
Channel One

Star(s)
Boseman

In-Game

Day(s) Available
Day ???: The Lockdown

Impact(s) on game
No Impact

Variant(s)
Crisis Guidance
Dark Guidance

**Surreal Guidance** is a Tape in *Not For Broadcast*.

## Description

Surreal Guidance is an advertisement available on Day ??? of Not For Broadcast. It comes in a black VHS tape with the Channel One logo on it, and is available if Alex Winston chose all available Surreal headlines (with a pink border) at the start of the broadcast.

The advertisement begins with upbeat music being played over a pink and orange background filled with various logos of Channel One. Boseman introduces himself, greeting the viewers and welcoming them to the first part of Channel One's Lockdown Orientation series. He warns that the video is for internal use only and is not for broadcast as red text flashes on the screen reciting his claim.

He then continues, informing the viewers that the video they've selected provides useful tips on a specific scenario as a female voiceover states that said scenario featured in the video is for "Self-Aware Consumer Product." Boseman tells the viewers that, for further scenarios, they should see the other videos in the Lockdown Orientation series, which includes: Aliens Infiltrate Government; The IT Department Finally Snapped; Giant Monkey On Tower Block; Sentient Trees; The Donkey Stole My Sandwich; Help! I Can See You!; or It's Time We Got A Triangle. Boseman acknowledges that all of the previously-listed scenarios are very scary, presenting the viewers with on-screen kittens to calm them down. Various clips of kittens are played on-screen as Boseman remarks that they're lovely, his demeanor soon changing as he gets back to business. A hand is shown placing a note on a noticeboard as Boseman lists off the top tips for surviving a lockdown scenario. He warns the viewers to plan ahead as people are going to start panic buying, mentioning that key products for them to consider are those that begin with the letters "R," "D," and "H."

"T," "S," and "7" appear on-screen for emphasis on his point as he adds items that are mauve to his list of key products to consider. A woman is then shown running towards the ocean as Boseman suggests that the viewer work on themselves, remarking that they'd maybe do better if they lived under the sea, like a fish. He states that another tip for surviving a lockdown scenario is taking up a hobby, suggesting that the viewers repeatedly tidy their flat, put on 15 pounds, or gaze at the ceiling and cry. He reminds them to avoid "Self-Aware Consumer Product" at all costs, as it is dangerous, and will kill, and/or maim, and/or annoy them.

To ease the tension that the viewers are likely experiencing, Boseman re-presents various clips of kittens on-screen, interspliced with a clip of smoke being blown onto broccoli. Continuing onwards, he states that during a lockdown, that the viewers may find themselves accidentally locked down with colleagues, third-tier friends, radishes, or distant relatives, giving them a handy list of excuses for avoiding contact with those mentioned: I'm Sorry, I've Become A Gas; I'm Actually Several Children In A Trench Coat; I'm Participating In An Experiment Which Forbids Any Of Your Shit; I'm Supposed to Be Officiating My Dog's Wedding; I'm Toppling A Dictatorship That Day; I've Recently Converted to a New Religion, and No Longer Believe You Exist; and I'm Plotting Your Demise, And You Know, Spoilers. In the instance the viewers think of any additional excuses, Boseman requests that they let them know, claiming that he'll add them when he returns from his time with the bird people of Squarkus Four. A clip of a rocket blasting off is shown as Boseman ends the video with "Peace out, bitches."

## Impact

Due to the Lockdown broadcast taking place during a coma, any advert that is played during it will not have an impact on financial status or the story.

## Trivia

* The song heard in the advertisement, "Boseman's Lounge", can also be heard during the Crisis Guidance advert and in Jeremy Donaldson's camera feed during Day ???'s interview with Alan James and Katie Brightman.