Internet Quarantine Etiquette

"*This is Mike, he's here to make sure I don't leave.*"
―Erik
Internet Quarantine Etiquette is the 109th lesson of Internet Comment Etiquette. It was released on March 29, 2020.

## Summary

### Introduction

Erik sits with his Corona beer and admits that he can't make everything all right, but says that he'll be there for his students. He also introduces the armed guard Mike keeping him confined to his house. He goes over to the window to get some more light and tries to break out, but Mike stops him. That was supposed to be the end of the lessons so now he doesn't know what to do. He sends a tweet to Ted Cruz and tries to get away so Mike shoots him in the knee.

### Step One: Stock Up on Essentials

Erik explains that he stocked up on food and sneezed all over the grocery store, but he wants to make sure he did it right so he watches a video. The video tells him to get foods with high nutritional value that will last a long time, but Erik just bought three cases of discounted Corona beer and olives. People in the comments are upset because the video gives actual advice instead of being a prepper video. Erik writes a comment, and then he throws a shoe at Mike and tries to escape. The shoe misses and Mike shoots Erik in the other knee.

### Sponsor

Erik talks about Raycon and plays a sponsored ad.

### Step Two: Keeping Up with Social Media

Since going outside will kill old people by accident, Erik has to use Twitter to keep up with what's going on, but he just finds a bunch of David A. Clarke, Jr. tweets so he replies to them. Then he looks at trending hashtags, but the trending hashtags are #ThingsYouSayWhenYouCum and #poopchallenge.

### Step Three: Video Games!

Erik goes to the best part of quarantine, video games. He starts a game of Rainbow Six and asks if anyone there works for the CDC. One of them uses a racial slur, but Erik doesn't like that all and teamkills him. He goes on a teamkilling rampage in Rainbow Six and Battlefield while seeing the theme song of Full House. Even Mike gets in on it. Erik finishes his beer and decides he loves quarantine.

### Step Four: Stay in Touch with Loved Ones

Erik calls Doctor Adeyemi over Skype to see how he's doing. Adeyemi says that he's doing fantastic and warns Erik that some companies knew about the virus before it started spread and that he needs to do his own research.

### Step Five: Do Your Own Research

Erik watches a video where some guy gets suspicious because a Lysol spray can lists human coronavirus as one of the germs it kills. It also lists duck hepatitis. Then at the very end of the video a doctor explains that the coronavirus has been around for centuries. Erik leaves a comment explaining how stupid the anti-vaxxers in the comments are. Then he asks Mike to repeat what he said, but Mike didn't say anything. Then Erik wants to know what day it is.

### Step Six: Make New Friends

Erik turns to the empty commenticouch and talks to his new friends Chuck and Cindy. Mike radios in to ask how he should respond to Erik's hallucinations. Chuck suggests that they eat Mike.

### Step Seven: Eat Mike

Erik sits down with some meat and Mike's tactical outfit. He expresses gratitude that he has the internet during the quarantine and shares a joke with Chuck.

### Step Eight: Go Hug Strangers

Erik gets excited and leaves the Etiquesette. Then he teamkills some people to the Seinfeld team.

## Comments

*Hey I heard @TedCruz is finally out of self-quarantine after ten days. Anyone else find it interesting that it takes exactly ten days for an adult boa constrictor to digest a human child? Don't bullshit us Ted we're not fucking stupid*
- @commentiquette

*Alright here's my prep list: I paid a dude on fiverr to record ten hours of him telling me what a great ass I have and I'm just gonna watch it on repeat with my butt out until I drink enough from this economy size bottle of titos vodka to pass out every night. Also at my local grocery store I found this Italian guy and paid him to sneeze in my mouth so I could catch this shit early and start developing antibodies before it mutates into something that monkeys can spread. Because I'm gonna be honest with you I have a monkey farm in my basement. If this shit hits the monkeys it's like zero to ebola real quick and with the amount of monkeys I breed illegally I'm definitely gonna be a vector for that shit. Oh I also bought an entire pallet of milk but it goes bad next week so I dunno guess I'm just gonna make the monkeys fight in a tub of it and broadcast it on younow. Please reply with pics of your feet*
- Erik

*I am TIRED of all this, "we have to err on the side of caution" BULL SH\*T. WE HAVE TO GET BACK TO REASONABLENESS DAMMIT. It's the DAMN FLU. Stop being afraid and start being SENSIBLE. WASH YOUR FUCK\*NG HANDS! STOP BUYING TOILET PAPER.
DO YOU FUC\*ING HEAR ME???? pic.twitter.com/a0dZwhA4nj*
- @SheriffClarke

*Shut the fuck up Shawshank Grandpa*
- Erik

*Not ONE media outlet has asked about George Soros's involvement in this FLU panic. He is SOMEWHERE involved in this.*
- @SheriffClarke

*At least they're not turning your water off*
- Erik

*GO INTO THE STREETS FOLKS. Visit bars, restaurants, shopping malls, CHURCHES and demand that your schools re-open. NOW!
If government doesn't stop this foolishness...STAY IN THE STREETS.
END GOVERNEMNT CONTROL OVER OUR LIVES. IF NOT NOW, WHEN?
THIS IS AN EXPLOITATION OF A CRISIS.*
- @SheriffClarke

*I guess killing inmates in his own prison wasn't enough, now he wants to wipe out as many people as possible.*
- Erik

*Hey every single person in this comment section can suck my fucking dick, which judging by the way you all go about life would give me a litany of easily preventable diseases. If any of you have kids, they'd be better off sold to human traffickers. At least they'd have the vaccinations they need. This comment section reads like a high school reunion for everyone in America who was the oldest kid in their high school, and their greatest achievement was finding out Joe Rogan has a podcast. Scrolling down through these depressing dumb fucking responses has been so very illuminating, in the way a high powered police searchlight pointed straight up a man's gaping asshole shows every capillary and benign polyp.
Whoever uploaded this video must be flabbergasted that even though they explain exactly why it says Coronavirus on the Lysol can, the comments still read like Richard Preston fanfiction. I wish we were far enough away in the future where I could pay comcast ten bucks to taze one of you through the internet. I hope when you're all up in the ICU with tubes running into your noses and planning your Nana's funerals, you can take a few days to maybe read a fucking book and get smart. You know, build some neural pathways in place of whatever post-apocalyptic wasteland you've got going on in your dipshit brain meats right now.**How do you people flock to these videos? Is there like a biological algorithm that attracts you to come in here and say dumb shit or am I just talking to thirty idiots from an anti-vax facebook group that want to infect enough people so heaven has to issue a fuckin shelter-at-home order? I hope none of you motherfuckers get this thing because I don't think the responsibility of keeping it to yourself is anywhere close to your wheelhouse. And if we lose Florida... I think we all know who to blame: OJ Simpson.*
- Erik

## Context

1. ↑ "Do your own research" is a refrain used by conspiracy theorists that believe they know better than experts.
2. ↑ Duck hepatitis is a form of hepatitis that infects ducklings. It cannot infect humans.
3. ↑ Richard Preston is an author known for his fiction and nonfiction books about diseases.

## Video

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