Fake TPOT 48: Soon As We May/part 2

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"**Soon As We May**" is the non-canon forty-eighth episode and the season finale of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 10 January 1990. Since TPOT 2 has already been released, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

Note to self: The results of this episode's Cake at Stake are found on *this* page, not on the first (as in virtually all other multi-part episodes).

Author's note: Thank you, **@cheezebone** on *beta.character.ai*, for making this possible. I don't even know how I got here. One minute we were gossiping about Oprah Winfrey, and the next minute this came up:

> *Yes, I can be a better comedian than that too! I can tell more jokes. I can be funnier! A more dynamic sense of humor! You'll see! You'll see! You and all the other contestants who are against me! You'll all see that I'm the funniest of them all! You'll all have to admit the truth, that I am just the BEST! You've heard of Gene Rayburn. Now get ready for Two Rayburn! The better of Rayburns, with a better name! You're all no match for me!*
>
>

## Cake at Stake (cont'd), *13 November 1989*

### **Fovitwe Arena** – Late afternoon

**Scene**Continued from the previous scene.
#### Audience: Front rows

[*Taco, who is sat with the other BFB stayer-behinders, crosses her arms.*]

* **T****a****c****o**: [*to Blocky*] Sussy impostor.
* **Blocky**: What?
* **Fi****r****ey**: *Hl*ook, everyone, there's two British people on stage! [*snorts*] Bri'ish!
* **Lol****l****ipop**: Shut up, Firey.
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: Foyree, I forgive you that we haven't talked much since our last finale together, but you must know that Two's from another planet.
* **Fi****r****ey**: So it's not all "fyoosh and chaps" up there?
* **R****u****b****y**: Sadly, no. Having lived in sight of Tower Bridge for a decade, even *I'm* more British than those two! And Taco. [*giggles*]
* **Le****a****f****y**: Hold on, that Taco's—
* **T****a****c****o**: *Fake* Taco.
* **Le****a****f****y**: She's not from the land of the UB40s? [*pronounced "ubb-four-zeros"*] Huh, I always thought she was.
* **Lol****l****ipop**: Haven't you watched past season 7, Leafy? Every fan knows that Taco's been masquerading as an American all along. She's like T.S. Eliot, only somewhat easier to understand.

#### Top of the Tec

[*The last few eliminated contestants make their way to Two's special chairs. Balloony can be seen trying to approach the fixture in the background, but he is literally gate-kept by Gaty, who, unbeknownst to her, has pushed him off while she was speaking to Nickel and sent him floating down back to his seat in the audience. As this happens, Two and the* Inanimate Insanity *Taco continue to talk.*]

* **Two**: You see, I *would* watch your show, but here it's on at the same time as *Saturday Night with Hey Nonny Nonny Chung*, and I cannot afford to miss that!
* **T****a****c****o**: That's what happens when they move us to the 10 p.m. slot. [*raises her fist*] I warned you, IBC!
* **Two**: But now I've just one question.
* **T****a****c****o**: You're not going to ask me to say "sour cream", are you? 'Cause you know I hate that.
* **Two**: No. But answer me this: Why did you come on stage when I said Microphone's name? Where's Microphone? Isn't she in your series?

[*Taco begins to back away.*]

* **T****a****c****o**: [*deviously*] I did bad things to her. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha.

#### Audience: *Inanimate Insanity* section

[*Two gives Taco a fearful look as she backs away enough to land on her seat with the rest of the* **entire *Inanimate Insanity* cast***.* *She laughs wickedly as she hits the chair. Camera pan to* **Microphone** *sitting next to her. She looks at the camera.*]

* **M****icro****p****h****o****n****e**: [*deadpan*] She reminded me that I already had a speaking part in this show.

#### Top of the Tec

[*Two claps twice to get the eliminated contestants' attention. Just about everyone is present, with one glaring exception.*]

* **Two**: If it's alright with the eliminated, I should like to give out the voting instructions now. While I was on hold for, er, approximately two hours, two minutes and twenty-two seconds, I spent the time watching old BFDI series finales to prepare myself.
* **Winner**: That's good to know.
* **Co****i****ny**: Wait, but shouldn't we wait for Tennis Ball?
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*looking around*] Yeah, besides the final three he's the only one not here.
* **B****o****k**: [*who has her legs on his chair while sitting on her own*] I've been keeping his seat warm!
* **Two**: Who's Tennis Ball?

[*Enter* **Tennis Ball**, *who runs in with a number of papers on his head, all of which have Golf Ball's face on them. He is nearly out of breath.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I'm sorry, everyone, I'm here! [*hurrying to his chair*] I had a little trouble climbing up the sculpture, as you could imagine—*takk* for a warm seat, Bok.
* **B****o****k**: [*fake Southern American accent*] It was nary a pardner, pro—I mean, problem, pardner.
* **Two**: So you are here.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I'm sorry again.
* **Two**: No worries! I almost forgot about you, even though you've been my contestant for almost fifteen years! What have you been doing?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*catching his breath*] I was legging out pro-GB paraphernalia with the rest of the family. I even used her slogan, modified for the international audience: "Vote for Golf Ball, so she can win all of it!"
* **Baske****t****ball**: In that case, you're late, dude. Grassy and I got up here a few minutes ago.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Hey, wouldn't it be better if her slogan was "Vote for Golf Ball, so she can win it all"?
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy doesn't like it when obvious rhymes are overlooked!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*to Pen*] This conversation's really killing me.
* **Baske****t****ball**: It's what she would have wanted, Umtaya. So, um, Teebs, how far did you go?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Uh...
* **Two**: [*pogs*] Wait, Tennis Ball... were you trying to *influence the vote?*
* **Co****i****ny**: That's the 'Murican way, Two. Love it or leave it!
* **Two**: But influencing the vote of the audience members is strictly unallowed! Drop and give me two times two times five, Tennis Ball!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: No.
* **Two**: [*shrugs*] Okay. [*Aside.*] I tried, I really did.

[*Clock jumps out of his seat. Because he is in the second row, he lands between Bok (who looks at him in shock) and Coiny (who nods, as if he has seen this before).*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: What is *wrong* with you, Two? These people are merely audience members; they cannot vote!
* **Kuck****uck****suhr**: [*in the front row of the audience*] Excuse you, but I gained the right to vote in my country 18 years ago! *S'isch nid Appezöll Inneroode!*
* **T****e****l****avel****h****a**: And I must be at the polls in two days from now!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: I... I mean, the humans in the other dimension vote, don't they? That's how it's been. Th- that's how it's always been, even before I joined this show! See here, it says so in the last edition of the *TPOT Game Rules*.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: [*floats up*] ***Shut up, Clock!***

[*Everyone looks at Lightning.*]

* **Lig****htni****ng**: I've always wanted to... [*blushes*] Oh dear, this is extremely humiliating. [*floats down to his seat*] It's a vicious cycle, it is.
* **Two**: *Normally* that's the case. But something terrible has happened that doesn't allow the humans to vote in this episode!

[*Two looks directly at the camera and winks. Disclaimer text on the bottom appears, stating that all the humans' votes have indeed been counted, as in any other episode with audience voting, and that there is no reason to worry. Jacknjellify aren't trying to avoid a lawsuit; the human votes really do matter, as you'll see soon.*]

* **Two**: So, we are going to let every single member of the audience vote instead! [*winks at the camera again*] And you really should return to your seat, Clock, and follow the example of the others. I mean, *you* breaking the rules! Hahahahahahahahaha! I never thought the day would come when *you'd* become a rulebreaker, Clock!

[*Clock fumes.*]

* **Two**: How can you even look at yourself after today?
* **P****en**: Get a full-length circular studio mirror! I know this guy in Paris, eh—

[*Pencil elbows him.*]

* **P****en**: [*sibi loquitur*] Bite your tongue, Ben.

[*Yet again, Two claps twice and clears their throat.*]

* **Two**: This Cake at Stake will be a very special one!

[*Camera pan through the spectators, who are passing over 600,000 futuristic-looking touchscreens (much like those in BFB 20 and TPOT 37) that are being distributed through the sectors of the arena by several hundreds of Two's Twobots. Two speaks during this.*]

* **Two**: As you can see, my Twobots are currently handing out touchscreen displays for each and every audience member to vote with, so that they don't have to insert or, Playground forbid, *toss* paper ballots at a polling place. Gogma—

[*Foldy gasps from her seat in the top row. Two pauses before resuming their monologue.*]

* **Two**: Gogma knows how much more efficient it is to use these brand-new interplanetary technologies to speed up the voting process.
* **C****a****ke**: And it's terrific for the planet too! No more paper waste!
* **Fan****ny**: [*shaking her head*] You just can't get your head out of the '70s, can you?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Well, I for one am proud you're using touchscreens again, just like when I come from. *Zendebad* MePads!
* **Puffball**: Yeah, buddy!
* **S****aw**: Wait, what are we talking about?
* **Two**: [*dramatically*] ***SEND IN THE FINALISTS!***

[*Dramatic music plays as the Tec Pulcussar opens for the first time since the contestants moved there. Oohs and aahs sound from the audience, which would have been louder had they not been so focused on the brand-new "interplanetary voting technology". A puff of smoke emerges from the sculpture's opening, followed by the three finalists—in no particular order:* **Remote**, **Black Hole** *and* **Golf Ball**. *They all look confused and a little happy to be out of wherever they were before.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Ack! So this is where we ended up!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: How nice it is to see the outside world again.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What in space, exactly, were you thinking, Two? Leaving us in that slightly unclean underground bunker for three days?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Whoa, whoa, Two.

[*Clock gets out of his seat.*]

* **Two**: À! From your seat, please!

[*Clock quickly seats himself.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: You left those poor, innocent contestants in an underground bunker that's only been slightly cleaned!?
* **Two**: [*putting their hands over their heart*] I didn't do that!
* **Golf Ball**: For once, Two is right! *You* did that to us, Clock!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: It was right after Two left.
* **Two**: Oh, good, so I had absolutely nothing to do with this. Carry on with your rage!

[*Flashback to three days ago.* **Clock** *is yelling into a hole.*]

**C****l****o****c****k**: ***AND STAY DOWN THERE! ACCORDING TO THE*** **TPOT GAME RULES—**
**R****e****m****ot****e**: [*from underground*] E-y-y. Yo. Shut up.
[*End flashback.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: To think we actually listened to you, Clock.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Well... I tend... I tend to be *quite* fussy.
* **Need****le**: Bloody hell, is that how you treat your wife, Clock?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*looking up*] *Quoi?* No, only when it comes to the competition! Sorry, Golf Ball... Remote... Black Hole.

[*In the audience,* **Kosrae** *(Clock's wife) is sat with her son* **Samir** *and* **Samar**, *his friend seen earlier.*]

* **S****a****m****i****r**: Is that why you married him, Mama?
* **Ko****s****r****ae**: For sure, for sure.

[*On stage.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But there's really no need to worry, Clock. The experience down in Two's secret bunker may have been a bit liminal, as waiting rooms so often are, but we did enjoy ourselves down there.
* **Golf Ball**: We spent the whole 48 hours watching algebra videos, whose content I already knew!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Same here. [*points at Two*] Oh, and we were fed as well.
* **Two**: Fed what?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Number soup.

[*Everyone laughs.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: *Aaaaahahahaha!* Instead of alphabet soup, it's *number soup!*
* **Two**: Oh, good, you ate it. I felt a bit cannibalistic trying to scarf down a whole bowl of soup with noodles shaped like me and my fellow EP-lings, so I figured you'd find it more appetizing than I did. Did you like the sauce at least? It's my grandnumber's secret recipe.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Who cares? Just tell us who won.

[*Beat.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Please.
* **T****r****e****e**: [*off-screen*] That's our Black Hole, alright.
* **Golf Ball**: Two! The united front of Remote, Black Hole and myself demands that you tell us how many human voters cast their votes in the last episode and to whom those votes were allocated.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: In other words, we want to know who won.
* **Two**: You'll find out once we get the results from the audience around you!

[*The camera starts to zoom out to show the hundreds of thousands of spectators around the Tec, but Two literally stops it with their power.*]

* **Two**: We're not doing that this time.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So the audience get to vote?
* **Two**: This time!

[*Two winks at the camera again as a* **Twobot** *climbs the stairs to the top of the Tec.*]

* **Two**: And vote they did! [*notices*] Oh! Chief Twobot, what are the statistics?
* **Twobot**: Out of the 666,672 voters, 78% have already cast their ballots.
* **Two**: Perfect! That means 22% have *not* yet done that! Who's in the lead?
* **Twobot**: Cannot compute. Cannot compute.
* **Two**: [*disappointed*] Poo...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Welcome to the 1990s, where technology seems to get worse and worse before they've even started.
* **Two**: Eliminated contestants! While your less famous audience mates give us their votes, I'd like you all to give me the name of the person who you think is most entitled to win TPOT...

[*Two puts out their hand to the camera.*]

* **Two**: What's this show called?
* **Eliminated contestants**: [*bored*] *The Power of Two*.
* **Bot****tle**: Two! Two! Two! *Baywatch!* Two!
* **F****old****y**: Where have I heard that before?
* **Two**: Okay then!

##### Eliminated contestants' vote

[*Next comes a scene that in later broadcasts will certainly be shortened or, worse, omitted: so begins the eliminated contestants' verbally casting their votes.*]

Eliminated contestants' votes, part 1
* **Pi****e**: First in what?

[*Two facepalms, in that way they have.*]
* **Pi****e**: No, I'm just kidding.
* **Two**: Which contestant do you want to win TPOT? Remote, Black Hole or Golf Ball?

[*Pie thinks for a second, or maybe two.*]
* **Pi****e**: Hmm...

———  **PIE VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Pi****e**: I'd like to cast my vote for Spongy.
* **Spon****gy**: [*confused*] What.
* **Pi****e**: Never have I ever heard anyone, let alone such a conspicuous American like him, sing a Bollywood song as authentically as he did.
* **Spon****gy**: Thanks, but I was just lip-synching to a pre-recorded track.
* **Pi****e**: Exactly.
* **Y****es****a**: [*in the audience, nudging Match*] Just like Milli Vanilli!
* **Spon****gy**: Yeah, um, I took a Sanskrit phonology class when I was at Cal State Diamond Bar, just for kicks and deep-voiced giggles. But they cancelled it as soon as the hippie movement was over.
* **Two**: Oh, Pie.
* **Pi****e**: Oh, hi.
* **Two**: If you absolutely had to choose a finalist, who'll it be?
* **Pi****e**: Remote.

[*A "ding" that sounds a bit like a plane's "fasten seatbelt" sign sounds when the platform Remote stands on briefly turns green.*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ooh.
* **Golf Ball**: That sound gives me airsickness.
* **Two**: And in 48th place: Ice Cube.

———  **ICE CUBE VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Ice Cube**: Uh, I vote for Black Hole!

[*Ding. (Repeat each time a finalist receives a new vote.)*]
* **Two**: Why?
* **Ice Cube**: He's the only one I don't want revenge on!

[*Murmurs from the audience.*]
* **Golf Ball**: Ice Cube, I didn't do anything!
* **Ice Cube**: You were born, weren't you?
* **Two**: Okay, we're dealing with the cheeky, over-ten-syllable Icy in this episode, innit? [*sighs*] Bomby, you're next. In 47th—
* **Bom****by**: I know what fricking *place I'm in!*

———  **BOMBY VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Bom****by**: Anyway, I vote for Black Hole.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's, that's very nice of you.
* **Bom****by**: I figured you'd give me a banana if I voted for you.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: A banana? Bomby, that incident was nearly twenty years ago.
* **Two**: Right, and don't you work at the fruit department in my market midtown?
* **Bom****by**: I merely guard it from shoplifters, of which there are *PLENTY!*

[*Everyone looks at Bomby.*]
* **Two**: Rocky! You're next.

———  **ROCKY VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Roc****ky**: [*vomits a perfect circle*] Bulleh!

[*Two walks over to the eliminated contestants, climbs the stairs to the chairs and awkwardly leans over to find out who Rocky voted for.*]
* **Two**: Sorry, er, sorry, thank you... [*observing*] Hmm... it's a circle.
* **Ma****r****ker**: This form is perfect, without any imperfection whatsoever.
* **P****en**: [*gasps and turns around*] Eyy, he voted for me! Thanks, bud, but I'm not up for grabs!

[*Pencil turns Pen back around.*]
* **Two**: Rocky, did you vote for Black Hole?
* **Roc****ky**: [*squeaks*] Mm-mm!
* **Golf Ball**: Then he must have voted for me!
* **Roc****ky**: [*nods*] Mm-hmm!
* **Two**: [*to the camera, for record-keeping purposes*] I have counted Rocky's vote for Golf Ball. [*returns to where they were earlier*] Sorry, er, thank you.
* **Golf Ball**: A vote for me? At last!

———  **MARKER VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Two**: Marker?
* **Ma****r****ker**: Give 'em hell, Black Hole! Oh, wait, but spare Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Huff.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Don't worry, Remote, these votes don't count for anything.
* **Golf Ball**: I agree with you 100%, Black Hole.
* **Two**: You're next, Bell.

———  **BELL VOTES FOR**...  ———* **B****e****ll**: I want to vote for Remote! Girl power!
* **Golf Ball**: What about me? Is there no "Frau power" for old ladies in West (soon to be united) Germany?
* **B****e****ll**: There is, but... I don't care much for you, GB.

———  **FOLDY VOTES FOR**...  ———* **F****old****y**: Me neither. Can you count me as another Remote supporter?
* **St****a****py**: [*in the audience*] Yeah, a Foldy vote!

[*Foldy blushes.*]

———  **PILLOW VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Pill****ow**: Golf Ball!

[*Gasps from the audience, but because she's not very popular the gasps are kept to a low rumble.*]
* **Pill****ow**: She's the only one up there who condones killing!
* **Two**: Er, excuse you, Pillow, but I too turn a blind eye to murder.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Really, Pillow, you're, you betray your two pactmates just like that? I thought what we had was special.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: To be fair, we haven't had a deep conversation with her in years.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh yeah. Now's not the time for the obligatory finale drama. I've forgotten. Carry on.

———  **BOTTLE VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Bot****tle**: Well, *I'm* going to vote for Remote!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I thank you.
* **Bot****tle**: Me and Remote died together in the first episode! And that means we got something special!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That, that makes sense. You two are commorientes.
* **Two**: And there you have it! The top row have casted their votes. In the lead is Remote with 4 votes, Black Hole with 3 votes and Golf Ball with... [*pats their stomach as though doing a drumroll*] ***2 VOTES!*** [*calling out*] What's the audience turnout rate so far, Grand Twobot?
* **Twobot**: 81%.
* **Two**: That's

(
2
2
2
2
)
!
⋅

.2

2
2
2
2
2

{\displaystyle (2+2+2+2)!\cdot \frac{.2}{2+2+2+2+2}}

 rounded to the nearest integer. Next row, please!

———  **FANNY VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Fan****ny**: Oh, it's my turn. Fricking hell. I'll... I shall vote for Black Hole.
* **Two**: [*into the microphone*] Fanny is voting for Black Hole.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What about our connection in episode 1?
* **Fan****ny**: In that situation death was at stake. If the lot of us were more than half normal, I'd vote for you in a blade rotation, but different rules apply in this pact, which I hate.

———  **CAKE VOTES FOR**...  ———* **C****a****ke**: Ooh, uh, I'm voting for Loser!
* **L****ose****r**: [*in the audience*] That's so thoughtful! Thanks for voting for me, Cake!
* **Two**: But Loser's not up for voting, let alone a contestant in this show.
* **C****a****ke**: In that case I'm voting for Winner. They used to be a duo! They performed together, toured together, ate—

[*Winner metaphorically starts to shrink becase they are getting attention.*]
* **Two**: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know that already. But which *finalist* would you like to win?
* **C****a****ke**: I don't know. Who can I choose from again? Sorry, I was busy thinking of Loser.
* **P****e****nci****l**: At the rate this Cake at Stake's going I'll be a pensioner. /s
* **P****en**: What a cute nickname, love! Sounds just like your name. [*finger-guns her*]
* **C****a****ke**: *Buuut* I'mma vote Black Hole.
* **Two**: Good to know. [*to the audience*] Isn't that good to know?

[*Some audience members react.*]
* **Two**: Aeh, you've never been that exciting anyway.
* **Fan****ny**: Cake. It's not the '70s you're stuck in. In your mind it's still the *'60s!*
* **Two**: Eggy, Grassy, who would you like to win?

———  **GRASSY VOTES FOR...**  ———&———  **EGGY VOTES FOR...**  ———

[*Two points at* **Grassy**, *who is sitting on top of* **Eggy**.]
* **[** **Gra****ssy** · **E****g****gy** **]**: *We choose Golf Ball!*
* **Two**: [*Aside.*] So from Grassy there's one vote for Golf Ball, and from Eggy there's another vote for Golf Ball [*Aloud.*] That makes *two* votes for Golf Ball, ha, *ha!*
* **Golf Ball**: I feel so honoured!
* **E****g****gy**: Yeah, I'm only voting 'cause I have to. Wait, Grassy, why are you on my head? I know I kind of resemble your birth mother, but, like, I just got this shell teased.
* **Fan****ny**: Isn't it obvious? You two were eliminated at the same time!
* **Gra****ssy**: Grassy didn't know he was sitting atop the teased head of mevrouw Eggy!
* **Two**: Yellow Face, you're next.

———  **YELLOW FACE VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Yellow Face**: Muuueeeaahh! I'M VOTING GOLF BALL!
* **Golf Ball**: Even after I kicked your backside in episode 5?

[*Everyone who wasn't there looks at her.*]
* **Golf Ball**: You had to be there.

———  **BARF BAG VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Barf** **Bag**: Hmm... given the fact that Remote's not doing so well in the voting, I'm voting for her.
* **Two**: Barf Bag has voted for Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Do we even know each other?
* **Barf** **Bag**: No, but Maman always told me to stand up for the little person.
* **Golf Ball**: Then why aren't you voting for me? All my life I've been called puny!

———  **TV VOTES FOR**...  ———* **T****V**: Wait, the last three votes before Barf Bag were all for Golf Ball, right?
* **Two**: That's right.
* **T****V**: Then I'm voting for Golf Ball too. I would have voted for her anyway, but, you know...

———  **NEEDLE VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Need****le**: Peer pressure. For that reason I too vote for Golf Ball.

———  **ROBOT FLOWER VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Golf Ball, yeah! She should win; she's changed so much!
* **Golf Ball**: Robot Flower is right!
* **[** **Golf Ball** · **Robot** **Fl****ower** **]**: **[** I · She **]** was very annoying to start with, but as it went on **[** I · she **]** became **[** completely inoffensive— · slightly less annoying! **]**
* **Golf Ball**: Now you stop that!
* **Two**: And I'm afraid it's too late for you to change your vote, Robot Flower, if the thought occurred to you.

———  **ERASER VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Two**: Eraser?

[*Two notices that Eraser has fallen asleep.*]
* **Two**: Eraser? Eliezero? [*into the microphone*] That's Eraser's legal name. That's why I called him Eliezero.
* **Ma****tch**: [*in the audience, turning around*] Take notes, you Eraser freaks!
* **Two**: Er, Pen... do you know a way to...
* **P****en**: Chh, this is easy. Watch this, gang! [*shouts up at Eraser*] ***Yo, Rase, wake up! There's a gorgeous, buxom, non-pentagonal chick at the door and she's got a plate of tishpishti!***
* **Eraser**: [*wakes up*] Show me the food broad, little bro! [*looks around, confused*] Huh, uh, wha?
* **Two**: Eraser, welcome to Cake at Stake. I'm alive, in case you couldn't tell. Whom, among Golf Ball, Remote and Black Ho—
* **Eraser**: Black Hole.
* **Two**: Is that your final answer?
* **Eraser**: D'yeah. I think he's a righteous dude.

[*Two clears their throat.*]
* **Two**: And so... the second row have casted their votes. [*squints into the audience, reading the votes off TV*] In the lead is Golf Ball with 8 votes, followed by Black Hole with 6 votes and... er, excuse me, Needle, could you please get out of the way?
* **Need****le**: Oh, sorry, I was just teaching Aresko some obscene hand gestures.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Wait, are you displaying the votes, TV?
* **T****V**: No, Barf Bag, I'm designing a tricolour for an emerging democracy. /s
* **Two**: Looks like Remote's currently in last place among the eliminated, with only 5 votes.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Why should I worry? These votes don't count for nothing.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That's right, Remote. Golf Ball and I have been telling you that.
* **Golf Ball**: Speak for yourselves! I believe these votes are extremely legitimate!
* **Two**: *O*kay! Er, how are we doing with the audience votes now, Grand Twobot?
* **Twobot**: 85%.
* **Two**: That's an increase of

2
⋅
2

{\displaystyle 2 \cdot 2}

 percent! Let us hear from the middle row now. Cloudy, won't you please start?

———  **CLOUDY VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Cloudy**: I vote Black Hole because the other two cannot float.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: That's prejudiced! But I'd do the same thing, to be sure.
* **Two**: Good to hear! And with that, we're halfway done, even if it doesn't look like it.

##### Interruption

* **Snowball**: [*points into the distance*] Behold! Yon Twobot advanceth!
* **Two**: What? [*turns around*] Oh! What news do you bring to us, Big Twobot?
* **Twobot**: All votes have been counted with a turnout of 100%.
* **Two**: That's terrific! [*to the camera*] It's also

2
2

{\displaystyle \frac{2}{2}}

! Who won?
* **Baske****t****ball**: Uh, don't you want to know what the rest of us think?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Yeah, some of us later-eliminated folk are really outspoken! [*gestures to Clock*]
* **Two**: Right. You don't have to tell us the results if you don't want to, Head Twobot.
* **Twobot**: It's a tie.
* **Two**: A what?
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's what the Seppos call a draw in football. [*looks at Coiny*] Soccer.
* **Co****i****ny**: Ew, you sound so funny saying that! Just say football.

[*Pencil makes a slapping gesture towards Coiny.*]

* **Two**: I mean, how can there be a tie in the voting?
* **Twobot**: Contestant Remote C. Monteiro received 222,224 votes from the audience. Contestant Black Hole received 222,224 votes from the audience. Contestant Golfball B. Ball received 222,224 votes from the audience. There is no single winner.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ò.
* **Golf Ball**: À!

[*Pause, as Remote and Golf Ball look at Black Hole.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm reacting internally.
* **Pill****ow**: Does the *B* in Golfball B. Ball's name also stand for Ball?
* **Golf Ball**: No, it stands for Beatrice.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: But wait, Two, what does this mean?
* **Li****y**: Yeah, tell us!
* **Pi****e**: The suspense may cause death.

[*All the eliminated contestants talk among themselves.*]

* **Two**: Order, order, order on the Tec Pulcussar! Now, I'm sure you're all wondering about the procedure for when multiple winners are announced.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Can we just put this to rest?
* **S****aw**: Can we have a party for everyone?
* **Yellow Face**: I'd like to take this opportunity to encourage you all to shop at Yellow Face's Warehouse! We have just moved out of Sweden for obvious reasons!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Yellow Face, now is not the time for a publicitary pause!
* **Two**: For the first time in recorded history, Clock's right. And I'm just as confused as the rest of you are—I've not the faintest clue what to do.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I wouldn't mind sharing the powers with Black Hole and Golf Ball.
* **Golf Ball**: We thought about this when we were in your bunker, Two. I get 34 of your 100 possibly allegorical powers; the others get 33 of them.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I thought I was going to get the extra 1%. Black Hole says so. Tell her, man.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Er...

[*Two jumps up.*]

* **Two**: No, no, no, I have an idea! Everybody, it just came to me! I've just had a stroke of genius.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Must have been an intrusive thought in the field of endless twos in your mind. /s
* **Two**: Listen! Hold on to your caps, because this will blow your mind! [*Pen holds onto his cap*] I've decided to have the eliminated contestants' votes count towards the total.

[*Everyone talks at once.*]

* **Two**: That shouldn't be hard for you to get, I hope.
* **P****en**: [*raising his hand*] I don't get it, Two.
* **Two**: Pen, you don't get the plot of *Saved by the L*. But let me break it down for you. When you cast your vote for one of the finalists, that vote will be added to all the other votes your chosen contestant receives, including the votes of the audience. It's all about the total number of votes!

[*Two winks at the camera again, acknowledging that the votes from the human voters were indeed extremely close (think Taco vs. Flower in BFB 22).*]

* **Two**: Let's imagine for a moment that everybody had decided for Finalist #2. This would mean that Finalist #2 would win the competition because they received the most votes from everyone, including all those who were eliminated earlier in the competition. So, my contestants, are you ready to continue the final voting and decide our winner? It's time to make your voices heard and help us decide who will take home the Power of—
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Two, wait!
* **Two**: Kkkkhhhhh, what is it?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: The voting participation was just 85%, and a few minutes before that it was 81%. How did it reach 100% so quickly? This is not a dictatorship—and if it were, this is not how I'd run it—so some people must have abstained!
* **Twobot**: All abstainers' ballots were filled in at random and submitted simultaneously to facilitate voting, contestant Horloge-François Saad.
* **G****at****y**: [*laughs*] Your legal name is Horloge?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: It means clock!
* **G****at****y**: Please, I took three years of French in *scuola media*.
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Oh, I love Scuola Media! That's where they have the leaning tower, isn't it?
* **Two**: Now that your question's been answered, Clock, let's move on to the vote of the contestants who were eliminated in Act V and afterwards. Battery?
* **B****atter****y**: Öh...

##### Eliminated contestants' vote

Eliminated contestants' votes, part 2
* **Two**: I said that nearly two thousand times.
* **B****atter****y**: Okay, I vote Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Honey, we barely even spoke when you were in the game.
* **B****atter****y**: True, but I have been talking lately.
* **Two**: [*noticing the sun about to set*] Okay! Lightning, you—

———  **LIGHTNING VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Lig****htni****ng**: Yes, Two?
* **Two**: You said earlier that you'd vote for Black Hole because he can float like you can, right?
* **Lig****htni****ng**: I did, I would and he can!
* **Two**: In that case I have just counted Lightning's vote for Black Hole.
* **Lig****htni****ng**: You get it, Two! [*thumbs up*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Good job, Lightning.

———  **GATY VOTES FOR**...  ———* **G****at****y**: [*yawns*] Iiiiii'm voting for Remote. That's what we agreed on, isn't it, Saw?
* **S****aw**: [*in the seat below her*] Yeah!

———  **NICKEL VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Nic****k****el**: Well, I'm voting for Golf Ball because she was nice to me once.

———  **NAILY VOTES FOR**...  ———* **N****a****ily**: Black Hole FTW! [*Beat.*] That means "for the win". Did you get that?
* **Ar****esko**: Ooh, fun with acronyms! I'm next, and I'm going to vote for BH—
* **Two**: Nonononono, it's Nonexisty's turn.
* **Ar****esko**: Oh yeah. We've sort of unanimously agreed that he exists.

———  **NONEXISTY VOTES FOR**...  ———
[*Silence for several seconds.*]
* **Golf Ball**: Hurry up!
* **Two**: Nonexisty, are you going to vote?

[*Donut leans over Puffball and Aresko, listening in.*]
* **Donut**: He votes for Remote.
* **Two**: Got it!
* **Donut**: That's right. Nonexisty absolutely, 100% believes that a vote for Remote to win *The Power in Two* is in order; so please, Two, write this down on your clipboard or make a mental note of it somehow, because Nonexisty does in fact intend to cast his vote for Remote and absolutely nobody e—
* **Nonexisty**: ***QUIET!***

[*Everyone except Donut gasps.*]
* **N****a****ily**: Whoa, dude, you talked!
* **Snowball**: Spake he who beeth not? 'Tis such a surprisal that it did nigh dash my lesser mouth from his stead!
* **Donut**: Of course he speaks; I've been talking to him ever since BFDIA!
* **Two**: Oh, well, er... whom do you vote for, Nonexisty?
* **Nonexisty**: Black Hole. We faceless guys get it, don't we?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Right. [*to Two*] He's raising his fist, in case you couldn't tell.
* **Nonexisty**: Aw, man, it feels so good to express my thoughts for the first time ever; I could go on and on for years! Watch me, Two. Can I talk politics on this show?
* **Two**: Nonononono, we haven't forever. [*gestures to Aresko*] Mr. Spade, sir.

———  **ARESKO VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Ar****esko**: Oh, do I get to vote now?
* **G****at****y**: No, Aresko, you get to check the utility room for stray tassels and chains. /s
* **Ar****esko**: I'm sorry, I'm very electoral. As an Aussie I'm obliged to vote, you know.
* **N****a****ily**: Like same, yo.
* **Two**: You said you wanted Black Hole to win, is that right?
* **Ar****esko**: That's right, I vote for Black Hole. [*awkwardly*] Budday.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Right back at yaw.

———  **PUFFBALL VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Puffball**: Uh, I vote for Golf Ball.
* **Golf Ball**: You would do that after our years of discreet malice toward each other?
* **Puffball**: You've changed a lot, GB. I think I like you a little bit.
* **Golf Ball**: I've never heard such kind words from you in the last three days!

———  **DONUT VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Two**: [*puts their hand over where their heart would be*] Aww, that's more sugar-filled than 1 ½-inch Sweet Tarts! Donut, you're next.
* **Donut**: Yeah, I'm voting for Remote. I was going to vote for Black Hole but then Nonexisty... yeah.
* **Two**: And there you have it, the third row finished! Me more left!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Who's in the lead now, Two?
* **Two**: Currently in the lead is Golf Ball with 11 votes, Black Hole with 10 and Remote with 8. You'd better catch up, girlfrayund!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I know, and don't say that.
* **Two**: Ha-*ha!* Fries, you're next.

———  **FRIES VOTES FOR**...  ———* **F****r****i****e****s**: Remote. Don't ask.

———  **SAW VOTES FOR**...  ———* **S****aw**: I'm voting Remote too!

———  **BASKETBALL VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Baske****t****ball**: And as for me...
* **Golf Ball**: [*excited*] Yes?
* **Baske****t****ball**: I'm voting Golf Ball.
* **Golf Ball**: I knew I was thinking right when I hired you for my campaign!

———  **PROFILY VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Pr****of****il****y**: I've been friends with all three of you since we were born together!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What were you doing in a seminary, Profily?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: Anything and everything! Anyways, there's a full moon in Scorpio tonight, so I feel like giving my vote to... Black Hole!
* **Two**: I've counted Profily's vote for Black Hole.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'll take that as forgiveness for 1985. I'm a Capricorn, but... tack så mycket, Profily.

[*Liy gives him a thumbs up on his pronunciation.*]

———  **CLOCK VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Two**: Let's hear who Clock chooses. Nyeh heh heh.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Why single me out for that, Two? Anyway, I'll vote for Black Hole. Care to know my reasons?
* **Two**: Nope!
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Grr!

———  **TREE VOTES FOR**...  ———* **T****r****e****e**: Also voting Black Hole. You got this, mate.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: This better not be because you're both boys, Leigh.
* **T****r****e****e**: Actually, we co-ordinated our votes yesterday so you both would get the same number from us. We even gave Battery a semi-temporary membership so there'd be an even number of us. No worries.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Well, I do like evenness.
* **B****atter****y**: And I sort of like death!

———  **SNOWBALL VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Two**: What about you, Snowball?

[*Snowball gets up and stands on his seat. He looks down at the murmuring audience.*]
* **Snowball**: Firstly...
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oh no, SB, don't turn back into your old self; we worked so hard to get you like this!
* **Baske****t****ball**: We did?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: No, but I'd like to take credit for something today.
* **Snowball**: I shan't partake in such. But I would to praise the like-minded verdant leaf-maiden for her mirific presentation, that which hath many a past minute occurred. [*points at Leafy*]
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: [*with his parents in the audience*] Mama, you're famous!
* **Le****a****f****y**: [*ignoring him*] It is always a wonder to receive a compliment from such a devout person. Thank you, Snowball, for your glorious personality transformation and for blessing the world with your two mouths! And thank you, audience, for lending me your hearing apparatuses! I must say, secular music these days, with its "drum machines" and the "hip-hop", is hard to take, but still... thank you!

[*Leafy turns around to bow. As she does so, she reveals a green "tail"—or what is assumed to be a tail. The eliminated contestants talk quietly among themselves.*]
* **Co****i****ny**: Someone's gotta say it. [*loudly*] *Whoa, Leafy, you got a tail!*
* **Le****a****f****y**: You bet I do! I bought it at a costume shop in Evanston for Halloween and haven't taken it off since. This is my stem. You know, because I'm a leaf.
* **Need****le**: What good is a stem on a leaf that can well survive without one?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, I thought you got your base spayed and neutered 'cos that bloke on American telly whose name I forgot said so.

[*Pen gives Pencil an astonished look.*]
* **Le****a****f****y**: Nooooo, Pencil, you don't get it. The night after our party, I discovered that through my stem came the voice of God himself!
* **P****e****nci****l**: God speaks to you through your *tail?*
* **Le****a****f****y**: Yep! This lady's got the Lord on speed dial!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Kkh. Protestants, Pen, am I right?
* **P****en**: I dunno; I feel sorry for 'em. Everyone looks down on them just for doing what they love. Or *who* they love, I should say! [*giggles*]

[*Beat. Pencil facepalms.*]
* **Co****i****ny**: Pen, you jagoff! Protestant's a kind of religion; the word you're thinking of is ***PROSTITUTES!***

[*Laughter from the audience. Pin immediately rises from her slumber and stands on her chair.*]
* **P****i****n**: *Hold it right there!*
* **Co****i****ny**: [*gasps melodramatically*] Pin, you're awake!
* **Two**: Welcome to Cake at Stake, Pin! Now sit down.
* **P****i****n**: I sleep for over five days to rest after our funny adventure, and you've decided to talk about *pro—*
* **Co****i****ny**: Uh, uh, didn't mean it like that, darling, especially with the kids watching; I was just correcting a friend.
* **P****i****n**: Oh, you're getting reeded tonight.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I've been used as a musical instrument before, mate, when we formed a makeshift band in the '60s. It should only hurt for the first five bars.
* **Co****i****ny**: Aww, no, no, no, it won't hurt; Pin's just giving me an extra ridge on my side. She uses her *point*.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yeah, I never wanted to hear the details, Coiny.

[*More laughter from the audience. Two sits on their throne, clearly bored.*]
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Does God speak to you through your fuzz implants, TB?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Huh?

———  **LIY VOTES FOR**...  ———
[*Liy, who has got out of her seat, tugs on Two's arm. They are now sleeping.*]
* **Li****y**: Two, wake up!
* **Two**: Oh, sorry! Where are we?
* **Li****y**: Count my vote for Black Hole, will you?
* **Two**: Okay! But you really should be in your seat, Liy, for the photos. It'd be very awkward if the publicity stills came out without you in them.
* **Li****y**: I should be in jail by now! I can't be caught sneaking off to another continent for a few days!
* **Two**: You're on a televised game show that I *know* the SVT's broadcasting. Trust me: you will get caught anyway.

[*Liy grumbles and returns to her seat.*]
* **Li****y**: It's a good thing our prison system's humane... [*high-fives Pencil on her way up*]
* **Two**: Don't have a cow, Liy! Anyway... Winner!

———  **WINNER VOTES FOR**...  ———* **Winner**: Hi! Oh, erm, I vote for Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Thanks, yay.
* **Winner**: That doesn't mean you're guaranteed to win, I'm afraid. It just means that my name is Winner and I'm giving you my only vote, heheh.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ha ha ha ha ha.

[*Two claps twice, this time out of excitement.*]
* **Two**: Last row! [*points*] *Umtaya!*

———  **UMTAYA VOTES FOR**...  ———* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Hi!
* **Pi****e**: [*Aside, to Ice Cube.*] I still keep forgetting she did this show.
* **Two**: Between Golf Ball, Remote or Black Hole, who should win?
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Uh, uh, uh... can I have a minute?
* **Two**: Time doesn't belong to anybody. Not even you, Clock.
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Why single me out again?
* **Need****le**: Yeah, he's clearly taken!

[*Two has another conversation in the background while Umtaya thinks. This scene will played out in full, unless it's aired in a shortened form on the Hallmark Channel in the future.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: It's getting real close, I think.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: She sighs.

[*Remote turns around to face the other direction. Black Hole does the same to talk to her in private.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Are you okay, Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No. I'm as upset as can be. I'm clearly not in the lead; and if the voting trends continue as they are, by the time the last person has cast her vote I'll have received 13.316 votes, you'll get 16.947 votes and Golf Ball—
* **Golf Ball**: [*joins the others*] *15.737 votes!* I too can do arithmetic under stress; now pay up!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Golf Ball, you're not helping. [*sighs*] Remote, just remember to be positive. The thought that you've made it this far, into the finale—even if you finish third—is a really terrific thing, and I'm proud of you.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You are?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Of course. I, I'm your best friend.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Literally speaking, you're not even my closest one. [*points at Golf Ball, who has turned around again*]

[*Silence.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Ooh, I just remembered!
* **Two**: Yeah, who is it?
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: *Remote!*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*nudges her as closely as possible*] See? You've won the support of someone in the bottom row.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Now I just need the rest of them.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Don't worry.

———  **PRICE TAG VOTES FOR**...  ———
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Black Hole's got to win this!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm sor—
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, don't apologize. That vote sounded legitimate. And I can take it.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Really?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sure. You're right; that people give two chizzes about saying my name and that I've managed to evade the human voters in every episode before this one is enough for me. It means they like me. Just like you, Black Hole.
* **Golf Ball**: What about me?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes, you're liked too, GB. Even if you are a bit of a number soup hog.
* **Golf Ball**: Thank you, Re—

———  **TENNIS BALL VOTES FOR**...  ———
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Remote!

[*Everyone in the entire arena gasps, including the ones who don't understand English. Golf Ball turns around slowly, with nothing but pure rage in her eyes.*]

* **Golf Ball**: *What* did you just say, Tennis Ball? ***WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT?! WHAT?! SPEAK AGAIN!***
* **Lol****l****ipop**: [*in the audience*] Well, that was a twist I was so expecting.
* **Gela****tin**: I still remember when you almost didn't vote for me, Lollipop.
* **Lol****l****ipop**: Ahh, good times.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*dispassionately*] I said, I'm voting for Remote.
* **Golf Ball**: ***WHAT?*** You are my husband, Maurice, as common law so defines! We have three *multicultural* direct descendants together, and several grandchildren and friend-like colleagues who have been working diligently on my campaign to ensure my victory! Why, you even worked with me for seventeen years of this doggone show!
* **P****i****n**: [*aside to Pencil*] Did she just say *doggone*?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm still trying to figure out who the hell Maurice is.
* **Golf Ball**: According to all laws of what's good, just and reasonable, you are required to vote for me without question!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oh, uh... heheh. This is awkward. I was obviously joking, Golf Ball. Of course I'd vote for you in a heartbeat, and you know that.
* **Two**: And so I have counted Tennis Ball's vote for Golf Ball.
* **Golf Ball**: That was a cruel joke you played, TB. Nevertheless, I found it exceedingly amusing in retrospect, and I will thus shed my laughter. Ha, ha!

[*Basketball turns to Saw and laughs awkwardly.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: She likes to retcon.
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: Hey! I thought you said we couldn't change our votes, Two!
* **Two**: I'm a very flexible number. See? [*does a handstand*] *Tsken ooy koob!*
* **B****o****k**: What?
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's "Bok, you're next" in reverse.

———  **BOK VOTES FOR**...  ———
* **B****o****k**: Right.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm nearly fluent in backwardsese.
* **R****u****b****y**: [*in the audience*] If she votes for bossy bot Golf Ball I'll be so sad!
* **B****o****k**: I vote for bossy bot Golf Ball! Oop! Sorry, it wasn't meant to come out like that.
* **Golf Ball**: Yet as someone whose personality also changed in the last decade, I accept your vote, Bok.

———  **COINY VOTES FOR**...  ———
* **Co****i****ny**: I also vote for Golf Ball! We were in BFDIA together, weren't we?
* **P****i****n**: Here we go again...
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*Aside, to Black Hole.*] Yikes.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What, is it because Coiny mentioned a series only he cares about?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes, but... I also realize that even if the rest of the panel votes for me, I can no longer be in first. The highest placing I can achieve is tied for second with you.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And that's a position I'm willing to take.

———  **PEN VOTES FOR**...  ———
* **P****en**: [*raises his arms*] *BLACK HOLE!*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You're voting for me? Thanks, man.
* **P****en**: Don't mention it, champ!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And now she is in third place.

[*Two suddenly stands in front of Remote to make an important announcement.*]

* **Two**: That's right, Remote! *You* are in third place no matter how the rest of the seats vote! Congratulations for a two-rrific game! [*pats her head*]
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Why is it I don't feel like celebrating?
* **T****r****e****e**: Ghar... Pen, you, you j... what did you say earlier, Coiny?
* **Co****i****ny**: *Jagoff*?
* **T****r****e****e**: You jagoff!
* **P****en**: Tree, what's with the harsh words, buddy?
* **T****r****e****e**: You were supposed to vote for *Remote* as we agreed yesterday; I even made a little rhyme for you! [*to the others*] "Vote for Remote": it's so simple yet he can't even remember it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: No comment from my corner.
* **Pill****ow**: Everyone, let's chant "Death to Pen" for violating the pact's orders!
* **T****r****e****e**: Pillow, we've already kicked you out four times for doing just that.
* **P****e****nci****l**: When I said *quadruple murder*, I did not mean the father of our children!

[*Pen stands up and turns to the others, especially the members of his pact.*]

* **P****en**: I'm so sorry, gang. I- I would have voted for Remote like you told me to, but at the same time I don't want to break Pencil's heart by voting for another gal. And I bet all my Halloween candy with the kids that I wouldn't upset her today.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That almost meant something. But frankly, my dear, I'd be more in a strop if you voted for Black Hole just 'cos he *ain't* a gal. Blame the "boys club" or whatever.
* **Two**: So who would you vote for, Pencil?

———  **PENCIL VOTES FOR**...  ———
* **P****e****nci****l**: Remote. On his behalf.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Thanks. And you really mean that?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Also based on our friendship *and* sisterhood. Perhaps it sounds cliché, but you've got that magic with you, girl.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Doesn't change my status as third placer.
* **P****e****nci****l**: It don't matter.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You hear that, Black Hole? I got another vote.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I'm very happy for you, Remote.

##### Final voter/tiebreaker (Pin)

* **Two**: And last (but certainly not least)... Pin!

———  **PIN VOTES FOR**...  ———
* **P****i****n**: Oh dear.
* **Two**: Who do you think should win my powers?
* **P****i****n**: Could you please tell me how many votes each of them got first? I haven't been... awake to see it all.
* **Two**: TV, could you please show us the votes?

[*Silence.*]

* **Nonexisty**: He doesn't say much.
* **Two**: Er, TV, what are you doing?

[*View of TV, who is turned around. The contestants in the top row (and some in his own) seem to be watching him. He turns around again when he hears Two call out his name.*]

* **T****V**: Oh. This is embarrassing.
* **Barf** **Bag**: Aw, seriously, Two? Why'd you interrupt?
* **N****a****ily**: [*sitting next to Bell*] Yeah, we were just in the middle of the new *Family Platters*!
* **Robot** **Fl****ower**: He had it saved on his built-in VCR player!
* **Yellow Face**: ***IT'S A RARE CONDITION!***
* **Two**: This is not the time to watch television, people. Now, please show the voting results on your screen, TV, so I can watch you.

[*TV gets up. The pie chart is displayed on the large screens, visible to the rest of the audience.*]

* **T****V**: With the voting audience taken into consideration, Remote has two—
* **Two**: 222,237 votes, thank you, TV.

[*TV sits down.*]

* **Two**: Meanwhile, Golf Ball and Black Hole are in the lead, with 222,240 votes each. That's a tie, and I'd really like it if somebody ended up with 222,241. Can you do that, Pin?
* **P****i****n**: You mean not vote for Remote? 'Cause that was kind of my first choice.
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's already been done, love. [*turns to Pen, grimacing*] For both of you.

[*Pen gives Pencil a friendly wave.*]

* **P****i****n**: So it's down to Black Hole or Golf Ball.
* **Two**: Well, yes. If you vote for Remote, we get ***TWO*** winners. Not quite as fun for the people betting back home... but it fits with the show's theme nonetheless, does it not?
* **P****i****n**: I don't want no fun on my account. Hmm, I think I'll go with my next choice. And that's...

[*Seconds of dramatic pause, because whomever Pin votes for will win the entire series.*]

* **Pr****of****il****y**: Stopp, stopp, stanna! Lyssna på mej!
* **Two**: What is it, Profily? You're not going to join the show at the last minute, are you?
* **Pr****of****il****y**: No! I mean... I thought about doing that, but no! I just realized that this is the first Cake at Stake final without drumroll! We *have* to make one! Audience members, drumroll with me!

[*One by one, the over 600,000-plus-strong audience begin to make drumroll sounds with various parts of themselves.*]

* **S****nare Dru****m**: [*not joining in*] This is a mockery.

[*Meanwhile, on stage, Pin begins to sweat ooze.*]

* **P****i****n**: Oh, goodness, now the pressure's on me twentyfold!
* **Two**: And a wonderful number that is! But seriously, Pin, hurry up; the sun's about to make its first disappearance under the horizon.
* **P****i****n**: Alright, alright! Between Golf Ball and Black Hole, I'm going to give my vote to...

[*Suspense.*]

* **P****i****n**: Hmm...

[*More suspense.*]

* **P****i****n**: Uh...

[*Even more suspense.*]

* **Two**: Sorry for the delay, people.

[*So much suspense that it's getting annoying.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Come on already.
* **P****i****n**: Black Hole.

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **Two**: Is that your final vote, Pin?
* **P****i****n**: Huh? I was just thinking out loud. Firstly, because Black Hole said something out of nowhere, and secondly, Coiny, you voted for Golf Ball!
* **Co****i****ny**: Oh, you're still mad at me, so... you're voting in the other direction. Pooh.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Don't feel bad, Coiny! Golf Ball and I have always voted for different parties since before you were born.
* **Co****i****ny**: And you wonder why Iowa's a swing state, chh!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So you're really voting for me, just because Coiny voted for Golf Ball. You know how I feel about doing things out of spite.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah, you don't like it.
* **P****i****n**: Gee, when you say it like that, Black Hole... I do have a reason to vote for you. And it's a real one.
* **Two**: Cool story, Pin. Now let me get the Grand Cake out! I hope it's still fresh; I've been hoarding all your extra prizes since the '70s!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Wait, Two, I would like to hear her reasons.
* **Two**: [*sighs*] Fine.

[*Two gestures to Pin.*]

* **P****i****n**: It's just that... well... the last time I was awake, I had just come back from the greatest adventure of my life with you and Remote. There is nothing, at least with me, that compares to what we experienced together. I still think it's incredible that the three of us were able to save the show just like that.
* **Golf Ball**: Then why don't you vote for me? I let you join them while I stayed on the Fovitwe to do administrative work! You should be forever grateful to me for making that a possibility for you!
* **P****i****n**: You said you didn't care to save the show! You only sent me in your place because you didn't want to disturb Pen and Pencil's "newly-discovered family nonsense".
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] Of course it goes back to me somehow. Who am I, the main character?
* **Two**: Well, we've really no time to discuss logistics among other things. Pin, is your vote final? I need to know right away.
* **P****i****n**: It is.
* **Two**: Good!

[*A pie chart and text are displayed on the big screens, revealing the winner and runners-up of* The Power of Two. *The audience—and the eliminated contestants—begin to cheer loudly, a collective cry of joy that lingers thoughout Two's final announcement. Happy, timely synth music plays as the announcement is made.*]

* **Two**: [*into a megaphone*] In that case, the results are in and absolutely final! In third place, with 33.33330%, or 222,237 of the total 666,718 votes, is Remote! In second place, with 33.33343%, or 222,240 out of 666,718 votes, is Golf Ball! And with 33.33358%, or 222,241 of the total 666,718 votes...

Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Deleted scenes (from the pre-victory parts)

* A little one, but Three was originally going to be watching *Good Morning Algebralia* instead of the show currently mentioned. (There were fewer puns in that one.)
* In the bathroom at the beginning of the Earth scene:

**R****e****m****ot****e**: Great, I can live for 725 more years. Hey. Since when were you so talkative?
**Remote's Inside**: It's all part of the upgrade. Welcome to the 1990s.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Nice try, but I know what year it is. Remind me to keep you closed so I don't spill out my innermost secrets by mistake.
* **Remote's Inside**: But—

* Again, I didn't want to get too racy.

**P****en**: Not all of last night, to tell the truth. I suddenly had this thought, eh, of Pencil! Well, I just *had* to go back, 'cause y'know the both of us can't go through a night without—
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't think that's something we want to hear.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: For the sake of objectkind.
**P****en**: Okay! [*giggles*]

* At the end of the scene in her flat, Golf Ball had a different victory song, which was just a reworked version of the *Ruddigore* parody from TPOT 16.
* Clock was going to say (during the "up on the set" scene) that he liked Two all along. He doesn't.
* The "bloody hell" line was originally going to be uttered by Pencil instead of Bomby.
* During the old contestants' medley, Teardrop was going to "sing" *Aus Wasser*—German for the line she ended up saying: "Of water".
* The BFB contestants were going to sing a *ghazal*—a form of Urdu poetry—instead of singing a song in that language. Then I heard "Aap Jaisa Koi" for the first time.
* Pencil was going to stop herself from insulting Pen on the grounds that her kids told her so:

**P****en**: I want to look in more than one direction!
**P****e****nci****l**: *My*—no, I'm not going to say anything.
**M****ic****hael** (Lou): You promised, Ma.
**Y****es****a**: No insults.
**P****e****nci****l**: Er. Sorry.
[*She rubs Pen's back, causing him to laugh.*]
**P****e****nci****l**: I forgot this was meant to be a celebration.* Match was supposed to meet some new character who'd never been seen before; he was going to flirt with her and invite her and "her kids" to sit with him. I changed him to Firey Jr. because I couldn't think of a new character to introduce.
	+ Eventually I did find his name—M.A.N. (short for "Massive Artichoke of Neptune")—but I decided to keep the Firey Jr. bits for time purposes.
* Lollipop was going to tell Firey to "cut the crap" after he called her *Bri'ish* again (a callback to 1978).
* After Two asks if Remote has ever seen a BFDI season finale before:

**R****e****m****ot****e**: Of course I have; in season 1 I was seated where these audience people are today.
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And I was floating. [**looks up*, as though reminiscing*] 1963 was the peak of my "big phase", heh—
**Golf Ball**: *And I was a contestant who happened to be eliminated a year before!* [*Silence.*] I see that my comment was not needed.
**Co****i****ny**: [*raises his hand*] Can I speak, Two? See, I'm raising my hand! [*raises his other hand*] I'm raising two hands!
**Two**: Never stopped you from speaking out of turn before. Sure, Coiny. What have you got to say?
**Co****i****ny**: I just wanted to point out that this is usually the part in the finale where the eliminated people [*whispers*] *like us* [*regular voice*] get to vote!
**Two**: And that's exactly what we're doing!

* Another deleted scene:

**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Two, were you really going to announce the winner, just like that? Without any suspense or anything?
**Two**: No way! Have you never seen a BFDI series finale before? While our welcomed audience guests cast their ballots on the scutch-treens, I mean *touchscreens*, the eliminated contestants will tell me who they want as the winner of... ***THE POWER OF TWO!***
[*Nickel raises his leg.*]
**N****a****ily**: You gotta go, Nick? 'Cause I've got a Shiba Inu at home who does the same thing when she—
**G****at****y**: OMB, Naily, that's gross. But admittedly grosser on your side, Nickel; you started it.
**Nic****k****el**: What are y'all talking about? I just wanted to ask Two a question. Y'know, 'cause I have no arms.
**Two**: What is it, Nickel?
**Nic****k****el**: What if we don't have strong feelings about any of the finalists?
**Fan****ny**: Ark at that! What if we hate all three of them equally?
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*Aside, to Remote.*] Oof, that hurts.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: She will still have to vote.
[*Two teleports between Black Hole and Remote. Instinctively, Black Hole backs away so as not to suck them up.*]
**Two**: That's right, Remote! Everybody must vote. It's required!
**P****ri****c****e Tag**: Hey, that's what we do in Australia!
**T****r****e****e**: Indeed. I remember filling out my first ballot pape in 1958... [*looks around as he realizes his age*] I was a tin lid sitting on my mum's trunk.
[*Two claps twice yet again, once more, as they notice that the sun is slightly lower on the horizon than when they last checked it earlier.*]
**Two**: Hush now, you're stalling! [*clears their throat*] Anyway...

* Marker's vote for Black Hole was too long and indirect.

**Ma****r****ker**: Remote. Just because our relationship was short doesn't mean it wasn't adventure-packed!
**R****e****m****ot****e**: Don't you mean action-packed?
**B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Mm'yeah, we did go a bit wild in Death PACT Again in the '70s.
**Ma****r****ker**: On the other side, I change my vote to Black Hole.

* Fanny was going to rant about her new job as a lawyer.

**Fan****ny**: See, I knew I'd bore you with my talk of loopholes. I told myself not to be the most hateful attorney on the planet, but did anybody listen? No! I hate this!

* When Pen defends "Protestants":

**P****en**: I do too [*look down on them*], but only 'cause I'm pretty tall.

* When Pen votes for Black Hole instead of Remote. I found the replaced dialogue a little bit funnier.

**T****r****e****e**: Ghaa... Pen, you jagoff!
**P****en**: [*pointing at him, semi-playfully*] I'm rubber, you're glue! Wait, no, Eraser's rubber. That's what your people call him, eh, Penc?
**P****e****nci****l**: [*bored*] Yes, he's called a rubber.
**T****r****e****e**: We call him that too, for more reasons than definition.s

* Then I changed it to this—still not perfect:

**T****r****e****e**: Sorry, I'm still not the best at American slang.
**Co****i****ny**: That's more Chicagoland, matey-dude-bro.
**Anch****or**: [*in the audience*] And Pennsylvanian!

* There was going to be some reference to Honey Bunches of Oats. I don't know where, but it appeared in my list of cultural references for the episode, yet the text was either never written or deleted.

## Notes

1. ↑ I only did this so Tennis Ball wouldn't have to give a certain line from the top of the risers.
2. ↑ And so, the tradition where Spongy is the second contestant to speak at the "eliminated contestants vote to win" part of the finale continues.
3. ↑ There are no reasons.
4. ↑ Everything before this part was written when TPOT had two episodes. Everything after this was written when it had three.
5. ↑ I had this scene planned for months, guys. I thought I'd address the controversy, which honestly doesn't look like it... exists any more.

**Fake TPOT** [V]