recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Dragonstone 26

**Chapter 26**

The Mages of the Magical Mage Council of Magey Magickness natter pointlessly for a couple of pages, among other things pondering whether the individuals mentioned in the . . . *sigh . . .* “rede” are actual, literal animals. Unless Samurai Chick turns out to be ten cats stacked on top of each other in a lifelike human suit, I think that's unlikely. This pointlessness continues for a while until Vanidar reaches the remarkable conclusion that, hey, maybe “dark water” doesn't *literally* refer to, y'know, literal water that is literally dark.

In much the same way that “The Cat Who Fell from Grace” was not *literally* a cat.

These people are geniuses, I tell you what. \~/

So they decide that maybe it refers to the town of Morkfjord, which means Darkwater in Viking-ese. There's another reminded that the “rede” specifically says the Generic Elves can't come with, and then we get to see a magical globe. Samurai Chick is astounded, *astounded,* at the idea that the world is round.

The magic globe shows, among other things, little sparkles where mages live, and *“dark sparkles”* where Black Mages live – Black Mages being, you guessed it, evil mages. Awfully convenient how all the evil people are obviously, irredeemably evil with no blurring of the lines or shades of gray.

And, hold the phone, does this mean the mages know for a fact the exact location of every evil wizard in the world? That, uh, sounds like some useful information there. What are they doing with this? Using it to track down and neutralize these so-called Black Mages? Bring them to justice for their crimes? Keep them under observation so as to minimize the harm they can cause?

Or do absolutely nothing? That's good too, I guess. \~/

We also get a vague hint that Samurai Chick's *“tiger”* – i.e., her tiger tattoo – gives her some sort of warning or insight.

The Generic Elves and the mages then babble about destiny and free will for a while, which eats up a couple of pages and accomplishes nothing.

Nine days after their arrival – so much for that false sense of tension – the Generic Elves leave Black Mountain, the mages having given Arin a new horse to murder by neglect. They decide to travel together until they reach the Silverwood, *“but no farther, for to continue with [Arin and Samurai Chick] might jeopardize the mission.”* How they've reached this conclusion I do not know, since the “rede” didn't come with a helpful timetable of exactly *when* she should “take only these, no more, no less.” For all they know, their continued presence the day after Arin's vision might have already doomed the world.

The chapter ends with the reveal of the name of the mage who parleyed with the dragons, Ordrune. Which is not at all like Orodruin (original names are haaaarrrd \~/). For some reason, this is treated as a startling revelation, despite this literally being the first time this person has ever been named or referred to.

Drinks: 3

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Wizard 31

**Chapter 31**

Richard turns to Shota and, shock and awe, it's his mother! Whose name we don't know! Richard is all, What? And Shota is all, *It's me, Mommy*. Richard remembers his mother and when he hit her in the head as a child (no, really). But he knows it's Shota.

Suddenly, Zedd appears! He orders Richard to stand aside and throws wizard's fire at Shota. Richard thinks that Shota is his only way to find the last magic box, so he plays bodyguard, blocking the wizard's fire with his sword. This somehow works, despite it having nothing to do with the sword's magic as it has been explained so far. \~/ Shota throws magic dust at Zedd and paralyzes him.

Shota no longer looks like Mommy; instead, she wears *“a wispy dress with variegated shades of gray across its gauzy surface, its folds and loose points floating in the light breeze.”* She has auburn hair and flawless skin, and almond eyes. She is utterly gorgeous; we know because the book says so.

Richard and Shota talk. Shota says she will kill Zedd and Kahlan later. She thanks Richard for saving her, even while insisting it was completely unnecessary, and grants him a wish as reward. Richard immediately wishes for Zedd and Kahlan to be let go unharmed. Shota tries to talk him into wishing for knowledge of the magic box instead, but he's having none of it.

We learn that Gollum was the last Ringbearer Seeker, and Zedd took the One Ring Sword of Truth from him, which is why he thinks of it as his. \~/ Shota hints that the magic of the Ring sword will turn Frodo Richard into a Gollum-like creature in time. \~/

It turns out that Zedd was an illusion Shota made to test Richard. She can apparently see the future (though, like all prophets, not in any useful way) and says that Zedd will use wizard's fire against Richard at some point. Also, Kahlan will use her Magical Mystery Power on him. Shota insists that it would be best for all concerned if Richard would allow her to kill Kahlan now; clearly, witch women understand the danger of mind vampires.

Kahlan then goes all emo and insists that Shota kill her so she doesn't use her Magical Mystery Power on Richard. Shota refuses, even removing the snakes, because she gave her word. Kahlan tries to kill herself, but Richard stops her. Isn't it great to see characters with such faith in themselves? Whatever happened to “believe in yourself?” Anyway, Shota says that Queen Milena has the last magic box, but she won't for long. She also promises to kill Richard if he ever returns to Agaden Reach.

Thus ends that chapter, and none too soon.

Drinks: 3

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Dragonstone 16

**Chapter 16**

The Generic Elves spend a paragraph passing through the Greatwood, seeing no sign of any Baeron. Told ya.

They travel, and they travel, and they travel. \~/ They stop at an inn and sing for their supper, and we're reminded that elves sing better than any of the lowly round-eared races and make our best singers sound like a cat caught in a garbage disposal. \~/

Travel, and travel, and travel, and travel. \~/ This is interrupted by Arin reminding us that they could have reached another, better place by now if not for the author's puppet strings. This does nothing to endear you to me, McKiernan. \~/

And we're traveling, and we're traveling . . . \~/

The Autumn equinox comes. McKiernan's elves have a specific song and dance they perform at the equinoxes and solstices. Fair enough, nice little cultural touch. The problem is, McKiernan describes it.

“*Step . . . pause . . . shift . . . pause . . . turn . . . pause . . . step.*

“*Slowly, slowly, move and pause. Voices rising. Voices falling. Liquid notes from the dawn of time. Harmony. Euphony. Step . . . pause . . . step. Arin turning. Rissa turning. Darai passing. Alori passing. Counterpoint. Descant. Step . . . pause . . . step.”*

As a variously-attributed quote puts it, **“Writing about singing is like dancing about architecture,”** and I can see why. I have no doubt that this song and dance is meant to be beautiful and lyrical and graceful and so forth, but that sort of thing is nigh-impossible to capture in the written word.

McKiernan has chosen perhaps the worst way to convey it. Instead of conjuring a vision of harmony and inhuman grace, it conjures a vision of painstakingly memorizing arbitrary steps and pauses, which is pretty much the opposite of the intended effect. It would have been far better to simply describe the dance in poetic language, perhaps referring to the dancers' grace and the singers' clear tones, and let the readers imagine the rest. \~/

Well, at least he didn't subject us to the actual lyrics.

When the performance ends, we're told that the elves are back in their beginning places: *“females facing north, males facing south. The motif of the pattern they had paced had not been random, but had had a specific design, had had a specific purpose, yet what that purpose was and is, only the Elves could say.”*

And . . . ? Only the elves are present, and they presumably know what their purpose is. Why bring this up if not to explain it? It's not like there are non-elves present to be annoyed mystified. The reader would have no reason to think about this except for McKiernan pointing it out and saying “See this? It has a reason. I'm not telling you what it is.” \~/

Anyway, travel travel travel, and the Generic Elves finally reach the Wolfwood.

Drinks: 7

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Dragonstone 47

**Chapter 47**

There's some discussion about where to go, hampered by the fact that Ferai has no clue what their destination should be, and Alos - their helmsman - has no idea where they currently are. Samurai Chick again suggests that the "cursed keeper of faith in the maze" might be the statue of Gudrun. I guess that was a temporary Intelligence boost, not a permanent one, eh?

Although I would love to read a version of this story where Arin assembles a clumsy cat, a rotten ogre eyeball, a horny peacock, a ferret, and a marble statue, and then expects them to somehow save the day.

Arin glances at the sun and declares them to be 35 leagues south of Pendwyr. And . . .

*"None questioned her word, for all understood Elves simply* knew *at all times where shall stand the sun, moon, stars, and the five wanderers. And given that power, Elves need only glance at the angle of any of those to gauge where on Mithgar they stood."*

. . . why do elves have this power? Why do they have an instinctive, perfect knowledge of astronomy? How does that work? What are its limitations? ***How can elves know the precise position of unrelated celestial bodies thousands of light-years apart in real time?!*** \~/\~/

And assuming they do have this power, how does "know where the sun should be" translate into "perfect GPS?" If Mithgar is similar to Earth - and in one book, McKiernan explicitly says it's meant to *be* Earth in the ancient past - it has a surface area of approximately 197 *million* square miles. I realize that it's possible to perform some remarkable feats with dead reckoning, but that's a learned skill that requires time, training, and knowledge. This is some sort of inborn elf power. \~/

Wait a minute; elves aren't even native to Mithgar! \~/

Delon decides that Ferai must know where they should go next, and starts to question her about her past. Ferai is uninformative, finally telling him to leave her alone and storming off to the bow of the *Brise.* And then . . .

Aw, man.

We enter Ferai's flashback.

In brief, she was the daughter of an acrobat and a locksmith, who took jobs with a traveling circus *"for this was steady work."* Um, no. \~/ She grew up among circus folk, and learned acrobatics, clowning, knife-throwing, and how to be a fake fortune-teller. When she was twelve, her parents died in a mysterious fire and it's implied the circus owner raped her. Lovely. He was found stabbed to death, and she disappeared and was presumed dead as well.

She ended up in Pendwyr where she fell in with a band of thieves who taught her to be thief. Why an attractive teenage girl was not made a prostitute I dunno. They gave her the nickname Ferret, and she lived in relative comfort for ten years before being apprehended by the guard. It's strongly implied that one of her compatriots set her up, and that she actually was innocent of the specific crime for which she was arrested.

Back in the present Delon starts singing, Ferai begins to cry, and the chapter ends.

Drinks: 5

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Wizard 18

**Chapter 18**

Richard and Kahlan stroll casually into the pass. Kahlan mentions that Adie is a sorceress, which is “ 'more than us, but less than a wizard.' “ Again with the sexism. Shouldn't a sorceress just be a female wizard? Richard wonders what a mind vampire can do, and what a not-female-wizard can do that would be more than that.

They walk. Richard wonders how he's going to find the last box of Orden. He recites the Book of Counted Shadows to himself, hoping for ideas. “Since it was an instruction book for the boxes, it should have a way to stop their use, but there was nothing like that in the book. The actual explanation of what each box would do, directives to determine which box was which, and how to open one, took up a relatively small portion at the end of the book.”

Wait; the Magic Book is about the Magic Boxes? Where did this come from? It hasn't been mentioned before; Richard hasn't even thought about it before, even when Zedd was infodumping about the boxes. And now it's just casually referred to. It sounds as though Richard should have known exactly what the snake vine meant, and what the boxes of Orden were, and so forth.

Richard and Kahlan start seeing shadow-things which lurk about here and there. They're scary and weird, but they don't actually do anything. They get more numerous. Eventually they come to the Narrows, where there are hundreds of shadows and an army of spiked pillbugs – I mean, grippers. And the trail has been washed away, by...underworld flooding, I guess.

It's, y'know, tense.

Drinks: None. : (

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Temple 21

**Chapter 21**

We're suddenly with Clarissa, who is inside an abbey watching as her town is sacked. There are some unnecessary descriptions of the things being done to the city and the inhabitants, the salient bits being that the attackers are using magic, and they're slaughtering the men and children but not the women. We learn that Clarissa is hoping she'll be safe in the abbey, as it's *“a sacred place, devoted to the worship of* [God] *and the good spirits.”* Also, some mysterious person – a man this time, for a change – apparently told Clarissa that all this would happen.

The city's name is Renwold, and it has never been taken before. More loving descriptions of the fate of Renwold's citizens, and we learn that the invaders are summarily murdering all the old men, young boys, and *“those seemingly without useful trades,”* while chaining up the men with valuable skills. The old women are likewise all slaughtered, and the survivors divided into three groups and have a ring put through their lower lips: copper, silver or gold, based on their age, hotness, and bangability.

Yes, the invaders are all misogynists. It's the one trait Goodkind knows should be applied to villains, so he applies it liberally and often. \~/

We learn that the youngest, prettiest women – those now bearing gold lip-rings – used to be nasty and cruel to Clarissa, who is no more than a 6/10 on the Hotness Scale, and is now the incredibly ancient age of *“early thirties”* and still unmarried. There's a bit about the now-defunct social politics of now-defunct Renwold, about which I care not at all. If you're wasting ink on the social interactions of people who are currently being murdered and/or enslaved, and whose entire society and culture has just been destroyed, they had damn well better be relevant at some point.

They're not going to be, are they?

Dammit. \~/

The invaders start breaking into the abbey, and the abbot panics, telling Clarissa to hide the books and generally fluttering around being useless. The Imperial Order soldiers (oops, that was supposed to be a big reveal at the end of the chapter) unceremoniously kill the abbot and stick a silver ring through Clarissa's lip. In a surprisingly effective bit, Clarissa's tries to hold onto her sanity as she thinks that these slavers valued her more highly than her own people.

Drinks: 2

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Temple 33

**Chapter 33**

The various military types chat with Richard and Drefan for a while, then leave. Nadine says she's proud of Richard, and adds that she always saw him as *“a boy from home. A woods guide,”* but that now *“you really are this Lord Rahl.”* Kahlan takes offense at this and Nadine leaves.

Richard asks Drefan if he has anything to help Richard sleep, and Drefan diagnoses this as *“a Feng San disharmony.”* Richard rambles for half a page about how terrible Jagang is, and Kahlan notes that she *“had never seen Richard angry in quite this way.”* Anyway, Drefan doesn't have anything to help, but Nadine does, and she is quite smug about it.

There's another mention of the war wizard's outfit \~/ and Richard goes to bed after far too much chatter. He and Kahlan share a Moment when he apologizes for postponing their wedding, and she reassures him that she understands. I have no idea why Terry Goodkind thought this wedding was so all-fired important, but he clearly did.

Kahlan leaves Raina and the Aryan Boys to guard Richard and tells Cara to come with her. She intends to go into Wizard's Keep. She remembers that those who got rid of the Temple of the Winds were put on trial, so there must be records of that trial, and she intends to find them.

Drinks: 1

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Zhenya Manoukian

**Yevgenya "Zhenya" Manoukian** *(Եվգենյա «Ժենյա» Մանուկյան)* es una de las compañeras de clase de Makoto y una de las protagonistas de A Witch's Tale.

## .:Apariencia:.

Zhenya es una joven de 16 años. Es de altura promedio, de piel clara pero de un tono más bien "oliva". Sus ojos son de color naranja. Su pelo es marrón oscuro, largo y ondulado. Normalmente se lo peina en dos trenzas bajas, aunque a veces usa el pelo suelto.

En clase, usa el uniforme de la Academia Bellegarde: Una camisa blanca de manga corta, un chaleco azul oscuro con el símbolo de la Academia, una pollera amarilla, unas medias largas negras que le quedan por arriba de las rodillas y unas guillerminas negras.

## .:Personalidad:.

Normalmente es callada, y salvo que sea de un tema del que sabe o que le interesa, no suele hablar mucho. A veces le cuesta entender un tanto las cosas, y necesita que le expliquen lo más claro posible. Se angustia cuando le salen las cosas mal. Es amable y educada. Tiende a llorar muy seguido por cualquier cosa. Según ella, es involuntario.

Tiene un interés casi obsesivo por las aves, sobre las que le gusta mucho leer y salir a fotografiar. También le gusta el ajedrez, que juega con su padre desde pequeña.

## .:Magia:.

Su poder mágico es bastante bajo. Su habilidad especial es la telequinesis. Hasta ahora sólo ha logrado ejecutar su movimiento especial una vez, el cual aparentemente no tiene nombre. Se llena de energía mágica y puede levantarse a sí misma con su telequinesis, así como todo lo que tiene a su alrededor en un radio bastante extenso. Moviendo las manos, puede apuntar a un objetivo y levantarlo con su mente, así como herirlo moviendo partes de su cuerpo con una fuerza impresionante. Después de realizar este movimiento, pierde toda su energía mágica y como resultado se desmaya.

## .:Trivia:.

* Nunca conoció a su madre, pues ella falleció cuando Zhenya tenía tres meses en un accidente automovilístico.
* Ella y su padre viven en la provincia de Ararat en Armenia. Sin embargo, su padre nació en Rusia.
* Habla armenio oriental, francés y un poco de ruso que aprendió de su padre.
* Pertenece a una de las pocas líneas de brujas que todavía quedan en Armenia. El resto están repartidas por el mundo, o directamente se extinguieron debido a que todos sus integrantes fueron asesinados.
Dragonstone 46

**Chapter 46**

We finally return to Our Heroes, who are sailing out of Pendwyr having engineered a prison break, thus releasing known pirates and murderers, and who are now responsible for the deaths of many Penwyr city guards as well as whatever innocent bystandards got stabbed, clubbed, or trampled to death in the chaos. They ponder where to sail to escape Gudrun's vengeance, and bring Ferai up to date regarding the "rede" and their quest. She says she's not entirely sure she wants to join their madcap venture, even though she is grateful to them for rescuing her, and hints that she might be persuaded if there's treasure to be had.

Delon pats her knee - whoa there, Grabby - and says that Ferai might be the one to tell them where to go next. His reasoning is that Arin found Samurai Chick, who directed them to Morkfjord. There, Egil pointed them to Gudrun's court, and Delon suggested Pendwyr. Each subsequent person recruited seems to point them on to the next person. Also, there's a brief an pointless argument which I will not bother to spork.

As Ferai explains that she doesn't have a clue what these madmen and madwomen are going on about, Alos wakes up. He's understandably furious at being kidnapped yet again, raves for a bit, then passes out. Well, that was meaningful.

Ferai finally agrees to join the quest, heavily hinting that she's in it for the reward. No, no reward has been mentioned, but our Ferret seems to think there will be one. Alos wakes up again, and we repeat the above scene only with him more sober and coherent. Delon, Arin and Samurai Chick all explain that they did it to save his life, and Alos reluctantly acknowledges this.

Drinks: None.

<Previous Chapter - Next Chapter>
Stone 47

**Chapter 47**

Kahlan, who had apparently blacked out, starts to wake up. Something is poking in her mouth, and a voice is commanding her to swallow. O\_O It turns out to be Chandelier, poking *quassin doe,* the magical anti-poison plant, in her mouth. We learn that, in honor of his warrior ancestors, Chandelier ate some *quassin doe* before battle, and that was why Prim's poison didn't kill him.

Prim is dead with Kahlan's knife in his chest, the knife made from Chandelier's grandfather's bone. Kahlan doesn't remember using the knife, so I guess the implication is that the spirit of Chandelier's grandfather did it? Possessed her arm, or animated the knife, or some such? I don't know. This scene is utterly pointless, since at no point will the Magical Ghost Knife ever be significant again. It would have flowed much more easily had Chandelier just stumbled in and killed Prim, instead of making me stop and think about this nonsense.

Kahlan apologizes to Chandelier for killing his friend, and Chandelier retorts that *“He was not my friend. My friends do not try to kill me.”* In addition to being the only character in the book who refuses to buy Kahlan's bullcrap, Chandelier also gets some of the few good lines. This guy is great.

Chandelier exposits that he and Tossy figured out that Prim was poisoning Kahlan with the tea, but Tossy refused to believe it. We learn that Prim's corpse is still there because, having used Grandfather's Bone Knife to kill with, Kahlan is now bonded to it and only she may touch it. Which, I guess, means that Chandelier never killed anyone with his sacred ancestral people-killing knife. Okay.

Kahlan pulls the knife out, wipes it clean, thanks the spirit of Chandelier's grandfather for saving her life then...kisses it. Because *“it seemed the right thing to do.”* Creepy.

Kahlan and Chandelier talk, and are actually civil with each other. Kahlan *finally* agrees that they can stop wasting time in the mountains and get on with their Save The Freaking World You Idiots quest. Kahlan says goodbye to the Child Soldiers, saying how awesome they are, and after she and Chandelier bicker pointlessly for a while, they and Orsk ride off together.

Drinks: None.

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Şirin Özhan

**Şirin Özhan** es una de las compañeras de clase de Makoto y una de las protagonistas de A Witch's Tale.

## .:Apariencia:.

Şirin es una joven de 16 años. Es bastante bajita, de piel clara pero de un tono más bien "oliva". Sus ojos son de color rojo. Su pelo es negro, muy largo y lacio. Normalmente usa el pelo suelto.

En clase, usa el uniforme de la Academia Bellegarde: Una camisa blanca de manga larga con un amuleto para el control de la magia en el cuello, del que cuelga un pañuelo blanco de adorno, una campera abierta corta azul con el símbolo de la Academia, una pollera roja, unas medias can-can blancas y unas guillerminas negras.

En batalla, usa el uniforme de nivel alto de la Academia.
Dragonstone 24

**Chapter 24**

Arin, the Generic Elves, Samurai Chick and some mages are discussing matters. They reach the conclusion that Arin has been given a mission – given by who, no one bothers to ask – to find *“the Jaded Soul.”* They briefly discuss why the stone is called the Jaded Soul (maybe it's . . . a soul?) but reach no conclusions.

Samurai Chick throws out some more Gratuitous Japanese \~/ as she relates a belief from a country called Moko, northwest of Not-Japan, that someday a mage warrior-king will lead them to conquer the world, and he will be able to command dragons with a mighty talisman. They agree that this could refer to the Jellybean, and that it's bad.

Vanidar gets mad.

“*Vanidar Silverleaf leaped to his feet and paced back and forth in agitation; he clenched his fists white-knuckle tight and and he shook his head in ire.”*

He's mad because he's realized that he won't be allowed to go on Arin's Quest for the Jellybean. The rede, as everyone keeps calling it, says *“take only these, no more, no less,”* and none of the Generic Elves fit the descriptions. Therefore, Arin has to go alone.

As an aside, dictionary.com defines “rede” as “counsel or advice,” which does not seem to fit what we have here at all. Neither do any of the other meanings. But it's an archaic word that sorta vaguely relates to dream-messages (except not), so that's good enough for McKiernan! \~/

Vanidar helpfully recites the full text of the “rede” again, in case we've forgotten it in the past two pages.

But Samurai Chick reveals that – *gasp* – she is The Cat Who Fell from Grace!

Drinks: 2

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Dragonstone spork

Dennis McKiernan is a successful writer of Lord of the Rings fanfiction.

I'm not exaggerating there. He literally wrote a sequel duology to Lord of the Rings in which Frodo, Samwise and Gimli returned to Moria, but the Tolkien estate refused to let him publish it for some peculiar reason. Undaunted, McKiernan changed the names and the geography and wrote a three-volume prequel, which was itself a thinly-disguised retelling of Lord of the Rings. This prequel series sold well enough to justify publication of the original duology, and another pseudo-Middle-earth series was born.

The Iron Tower Trilogy is ripe for sporking, with its jewel-eyed ninja hobbits, a gloriously useless blonde teenage princess pining for her True Love, the Frodo expy slaughtering dozens of not-orcs with archery skills that put Robin Hood to shame, and of course a prophecy, because . . . because prophecy.

I'm not here to talk about that today.

The Silver Call Duology also deserves a vigorous thrashing, with its next-generation Frodo expy extolling on the glories of war in a setup for one of the clunkiest morals outside of an 80s cartoon, an interminable battle between an army of dwarves and a big-ass squid, and one of the more bizarre and nonsensical prophecies I have ever seen.

I'm not here to talk about that, either.

What I *am* here to talk about is The Dragonstone, one of McKiernan's more original tales, which features: one-note stereotypes! Arbitrary prophectic requirements! Toilet humor! Unsympathetic and unlikable protagonists! Some of the stupidest riddle-solvers in all of fiction! And it wouldn't be a Tolkien rip-off without travel! Miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles of travel!

Grab a satchel of *lembas* and a vial of *miruvor;* here we go!

\~/ The Dragonstone Drinking Game! \~/

* Chapter 1
* Chapter 2
* Chapter 3
* Chapter 4
* Chapter 5
* Chapter 6
* Chapter 7
* Chapter 8
* Chapter 9
* Chapter 10
* Chapter 11
* Chapter 12
* Chapter 13
* Chapter 14
* Chapter 15
* Chapter 16
* Chapter 17
* Chapter 18
* Chapter 19
* Chapter 20
* Chapter 21
* Chapter 22
* Chapter 23
* Chapter 24
* Chapter 25
* Chapter 26
* Chapter 27
* Chapter 28
* Chapter 29
* Chapter 30
* Chapter 31
* Chapter 32
* Chapter 33
* Chapter 34
* Chapter 35
* Chapter 36
* Chapter 37
* Chapter 38
* Chapter 39
* Chapter 40
* Chapter 41
* Chapter 42
* Chapter 43
* Chapter 44
* Chapter 45
* Chapter 46
* Chapter 47
* Chapter 48
* Chapter 49
* Chapter 50
* Chapter 51
* Chapter 52
* Chapter 53
* Chapter 54
* Chapter 55
* Chapter 56
* Chapter 57
* Chapter 58
* Chapter 59
* Chapter 60
* Chapter 61
* Chapter 62
* Chapter 63
* Chapter 64
* Chapter 65
* Chapter 66
* Chapter 67
* Chapter 68
* Chapter 69
* Chapter 70
Dragonstone 62

**Chapter 62**

Our Heros prepare to assault Doomy's tower, with Alos insisting that they're all mad. Samurai Chick insults him in Japanese, and when he says he's leaving at first light, Arin says one night may not be enough. She asks him to wait two full nights, grasping his face and forcing him to look her in the eye until he agrees. Yes, really. I presume she's using Sparkly Elf Hypnosis.

Our heroes (sans Alos) head out through the jungle, and there's a page of travel. It's dark and spooky, they can hear all sorts of noises, they hear something big moving and think it's going to attack but it doesn't. Gripping stuff. They eventually get close enough to the fortress that Ferai snuffs her lantern, and they note that there are goblins on the walls, prompting both reiteration of facts we already know, and speculation as to what else might be inside. Also, Samurai Chick is still *"golden."* \~/

Our Heroes sneak around the fortress, and we learn that they very conveniently bought two-sided cloaks for everyone, brown on one side and gray on the other. If I remember properly, they grant +5 to Hide rolls and costs 2,500 gp. Using these, they sneak close to the fortress and determine that it should be easy enough to climb. Before they can act on this information, there's a flurry of activity among the goblins. Our Heroes lie low and see a second band of goblins dragging in a chained captive: Alos.

And on that cliffhanger, the chapter ends.

Drinks: 1

<Previous Chapter - Next Chapter>
Stone 3

**Chapter 3**

Zedd starts checking the wounded but, conveniently, most are either suffering minor injuries that the mundane healers can handle, or too far gone for the mighty wizard to help. He finds a woman who has had her stomach ripped open, but who insists that the healers tend to the others before her. We know this woman is going to be important, because she's wearing a blue stone on her forehead. *“The blue stone matched her eyes so, [sic] that it almost made her look to have three eyes. The wizard thought he recognized the stone, and wondered if it could be true, or only a bauble bought on a whim. He had not seen anyone wearing the Stone as a calling in a very long time.”*

So Stonehead turns out to be the servant of Ye Generic Self-Centered Noblewoman (YGSCN), who insists that Zedd tend her minor cuts and bruises before her servant's gaping stomach wound. Rather than blow her off and heal Stonehead's *gaping stomach wound,* Zedd plays along with YGSCN and exact petty vengeance by ordering the healer to use too many stitches and prescribing a powerful laxative.

Our hero, Zedd. \~/

So YGSCN is bundled away to be mildly tormented, and we get another glimpse of Casanova Zedd as he considers boning the head healer. Thanks for that. \~/ We also learn that Stonehead's name is Jebra Bevinvier, and the blue eyeball-like stone on her head is a Seer's Stone. She's astonished that Zedd recognizes it, and even more astonished that he's a wizard of the First Order. Her wound is at the limit of his healing capabilities, and trying to heal it might kill them both.

Zedd starts healing her. He experiences horrible agony, which is apparently unrelated to her hideous stomach wound; this is *“the pain of her visions.”* So she wears a Seer's Stone and has visions, and those visions cause horrible agony.

So Zedd heals Jebra, and she says she didn't know a wizard could heal a Seer (and note that Seer is capitalized for some reason, while wizard is not). There's an infodump on Jebra's background, the gist of which is that she's been fired by YGSCN and Zedd wants to hire her. She refuses when she finds out she'd be working for the new Lord Rahl, making her arguably the smartest character we've yet encountered.

Jebra says she say Richard at the end of the last book, and we get to see it again from her perspective. When she looked at him, she had a vision, or rather, *“I saw every kind of vision I have ever had, from the confusing to the clear; from the possible to the certain.“* Jebra describes several of the visions, which include Richard with something around his neck; Richard in the bottom half of an hourglass; Richard about to stab himself with a knife; Richard stabbed in the back, wearing a red coat; and Richard burning and branded with the mark of the Keeper of the underworld.

More chatter, and Zedd finally convinces Jebra to work for him, and the chapter ends.

Drinks: 2

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>
Sword of Truth sporks

**The Sword of Truth**

Come, seekers of terrible fantasy, and gaze in wonder and horror at some of the very worst the genre has to offer. An unlikable, unsympathetic "hero" who kills, maims, and condones torture! A heartless "heroine" who uses tactics that most villains would blanch at! A world that literally exists only to give the protagonists a place to stand! And speeches! Dear God, the speeches!

Join me now as we explore the world of the Sword of Truth novels.

\~/ The Sword of Truth Drinking Game! \~/

**The Main Series**

* Wizard's First Rule - *completed!*
* Stone of Tears - *completed!*
* Blood of the Fold - *completed!*
* Temple of the Winds - *in progress!*
* Soul of the Fire - *forthcoming!*
* Faith of the Fallen - *forthcoming!*
* The Pillars of Creation - *forthcoming!*
* Naked Empire - *forthcoming!*
* Chainfire - *forthcoming!*
* Phantom - *forthcoming!*
* Confessor - *forthcoming!*

**Other Books by Terry Goodkind**

* The Law of Nines - *forthcoming possibly!*
Temple 35

**Chapter 35**

Kahlan makes her way down to the sliph's room, passing through several unimportant areas and proving descriptions of things that will never again be relevant. She gets there and feels that she's being watched. The chapter ends on a cliffhanger.

That takes four pages.

What a spectacularly useless chapter.

Drinks: None

<Previous Chapter - Next Chapter>
Blood 45

**Chapter 45**

Adie and Kahlan are cruisin' along when the coach stops and the Misters leave, presumably to use the Little Misters' Room. Adie and Kahlan ponder where they are and why, and figure out that they're in Europe, specifically, Tanimura, near the Big Stone Witch House. I can only assume they crossed the Valley of the Lost and Found (which, I remind you, is currently swarming with Baka Tau Mana swordmasters all fanatically loyal to Richard).

Kahlan and Adie speculate that they've been kidnapped to use Kahlan to manipulate Richard somehow, since *“As long as you be alive, he would draw his sword on a lightning storm.*” They discuss recruiting Lunetta, and comment that she's always touching her Force, which is unusual. Maybe she has a lot of midichlorians.

Later, Kalhan tries with limited success to chat up Lunetta. Brogan comes in and snarls a bit, so Kahlan tries to goad him into killing her to keep from being used as Richard-bait. What is the deal with Kahlan seeking suicide over Richard? It's happened three times in four books, and it's getting annoying. \~/ Anyway, Lunetta recognizes what she's doing and distracts Brogan, and the scene sort of dribbles off.

Our, um, heroines eventually reach the Big Stone Witch House, where they are met by a woman in a red dress. Red Dress Woman takes them to a comfortable room, informing them that if they try to escape they'll end up in agony. Red Dress Woman reveals herself to be Merissa, one of Richard's smokin' hawt teachers, and tells Kahlan about how she and Richard used to fuck like bunnies. The point of this, of course, is to make Kahlan jealous, because everything in the entire universe must ultimately revolve around Richard.

And the chapter ends. That was dull.

Drinks: One.

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Blood 35

**Chapter 35**

We rejoin Richard, who is attempting to break into Wizard's Keep.

Ahem. Richard is attempting to break into Wizard's Keep, accompanied by the Aryan Boys and the Dominatrices. It's warm and pleasant inside, despite being cold outside. Richard is nervous, but refuses to let his minions see him, a wizard, showing fear around Wizard's Keep. We learn that said minions are fearless in the face of physical threat, but extremely anxious around unknown magic.

We also learn that Richard has taken to wearing his *cloak of invisibility* more and more, and that he has to resist the urge to become invisible. It apparently feels good, and he mentally compares it to the magic of the Sword of the Homicidal Hobo. This can only be a good thing.

Richard & Co. walk down a gravel path, and an unknown Something pursues them briefly, burrowing under the gravel like a graboid from *Tremors.* After it leaves, there's a bitI think is meant to be funny, where we learn that Cara had a special unguent mixed for Richard's “rash,” i.e., the spot on his neck that's always itching. It has kray-zee ingredients, like *“pig's ulcer, a swallow's heart, and […] my moon blood.”* So Richard unknowingly slathered menstrual blood on his neck; hilarious.

We learn that Richard is breaking into the Keep because he fears lest the Order should do so first, and he hopes to find something to help him use his own magic. Why he imagines the manaphobic Order can get into a building protected by centuries of wizardly guards and traps, I have no idea. In any case, Richard & Co. find themselves in a room with a large table which holds nearly a dozen books. All the books are identical except for the language they're written in. One of the books is titled *Fuer Ulbrecken ost Brennika Dieser,* and proves to be a copy of *The Adventures of Bonnie Day* written in High D'Haran. Conveniently, Berdine can read High D'Haran.

Pressing on, Richard walks through a force field which his minions cannot get through. He drags Berdine through by main force – apparently magic in Dickland operates on the same principles as a Loony Tunes cartoon – but decides to leave Cara and Raina and the Aryan Boys behind.

Drinks: None.

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Stone 53

**Chapter 53**

Richard and Pasha are heading back through the Big Stone Witch House, and Pasha points out the Prelate's offices and quarters. Richard decides to try to see the Prelate, despite Pasha's insistance that it won't work, and placates her by promising to let her pick out his clothes for dinner. *"The offer to let her pick his outfit gave her pause."* Because women only care about clothes, amirite? \~/

Richard bullshits his way past the (single) guard in a manner not worth repeating. The Prelate's secretaries, however, blow off Richard and Pasha, so they leave. It turns out Richard *"had only been interested in knowing the layout of the buildings and grounds for future reference."* He's a cagey one, that Richard.

En route back to Richard's quarters, he and Pasha meet a hunched-over young man with *"curly blonde hair...cut short at the sides."* This proves to be Warren, who has eyes for Pasha and who asks Richard if he'd like to come down into the vaults and look at the prophecies some time. Richard says he's not much good at riddles, but when Warren mentions the prophecy involving *"the bringer of death,"* he becomes more interested. About this time Jedidiah shows up, shoving Warren aside and calling him *"Mole,"* and generally spraying testosterone everywhere. He tells Pasha he's decided to take her to dinner and instructs her to clean herself up, but she's going with Richard instead. Richard and Jed banter for a bit before Jed swaggers off, having established his macho credentials.

Because it amuses me, I shall hereafter refer to Warren as Moley.

They go to dinner, Richard in his red coat, Pasha in a green dress that *"did more to reveal her figure than cover it."* Way to slut it up, Pasha. Everyone is nice and chatty, ignoring Richard's temper tantrum of the day before. We learn (through gossip) that Jed fell down stairs and broke his leg, which made him so mad that he incinerated an expensive carpet.

More pertinently, we also learn that wizards-in-training wear plainer robes the more advanced their training is: novices wear fancy outfits, and those about to graduate wear the plainest outfits. Thus, Jed's tan robes are a badge of rank, and Richard's fancy coats indicate that he is a mere beginner.

Dinner ends, Richard insists on visiting Moley, and that's the chapter.

Drinks: One.

<Previous Chapter  -  Next Chapter>
Dragonstone 61

**Chapter 61**

With Alos unconscious, the other characters continue to sail the *Brise* onwards. They slip pass the still-nameless town in a couple of pages that might have been tense if not for the purple prose and constant repetition, and we get some descriptions of the jungle. It appears to be a Fantasy Jungle, not a proper rainforest. Samurai Chick's boob tiger seems to have awakened, as she notes that *"she begins to whisper of peril."*

Morning comes and passes, Alos wakes up, and for some reason the narrative focuses on how sweaty he is. I guess the others don't have sweat glands. Another day passes, and Our Heroes finally reach the river's end, *"the root of the snake."* There the find a series of cliffs, a ship at anchor (a dhow, if you care), and a fortress with a tower atop the cliffs.

Drinks: None

<Previous Chapter - Next Chapter>
The Sword of Truth Drinking Game

In keeping with the ancient tradition of using alcohol to relieve pain, make the obtuse clear, and the insane seem logical, I present the Sword of Truth Drinking Game! The rules are quite simple.

**Take a drink \~/ every time:**

* One of the “heroes” does something morally heinous;
	+ Make it a double if the “hero” also speechifies about how morally superior he is;
* One of the “heroes” demonstrates hypocrisy;
* One of the “heroes” speechifies;
	+ Make it a double if he speechifies when he should be fighting;
	+ Or if he is explaining how decent people should live their lives;
* A bad guy does something grotesquely sadistic for no good reason;
* A character acts in a stupid way so the hero can look better by comparison;
* A strawman political argument is made;
* Something is excessively sexual for no good reason;
* The hero's unreliable magic does exactly what the plot requires;
* One of the heroes is described in flowery prose;
* Something magical is introduced and never referred to again;
* The hero instinctively “knows” something he logically should not;
* Something blindingly stupid happens.

**Added as of Book 2: Stone of Tears**

* Zedd says or does something that's supposed to be funny and it's not.
* Casanova Zedd makes an appearance.
* There's excessive or pointless angsting.
* Something is unintentionally ironic.
* Cliches are used in place of characterization or description.
* Richard or Kahlan demonstrate Mary Sue/Marty Stu traits.
* It is obvious that Terry Goodkind did no research whatsoever on a given subject.

**Added as of Book 3: Blood of the Fold**

* The "good spirits" are mentioned
* Something has a bland and uninspired name, like "The Old World."

Ready? Let's start killing our livers!

Back to the spork!
Dragonstone Drinking Game

**The Dragonstone Drinking Game!**

We will, of course, be improving our sporking experience with copious amounts of alcohol. Take a drink \~/ for each time:

* Something especially stupid happens.
* Something is unnecessarily disgusting.
* A scene is entirely pointless.
* Something is blatantly ripped off from Tolkien

* + Make it a double if it's ripping off a specific thing, place or character
* A character uses an incomprehensible accent.
* Someone mangles a foreign word or phrase, abuses a thesaurus, or otherwise misuses the language.
* Racism, classism, or other such prejudices are either ignored or condoned.
* Scenery porn.
* The world-building is nonsensical or contradictory.
* Cliches that were dead when Sauron was young are used.

Back to the spork!
Enchantment Emporium spork

I rather like Tanya Huff's writing in general. She's not my favorite author, but her Blood books are a decent urban fantasy/vampire detective series, her Valor series is interesting military sci-fi, and her Quarter novels are good classic fantasy. So when I saw a new Huff novel at the library, I grabbed it without thinking twice.

Well.

*The Enchantment Emporium* is urban fantasy, which Huff has written before. It's also a disturbing tangle of incest, sexism, cliches, and an entire family of Mary Sues. Does that sound like fun, boys and girls? Well, it's not.

As we're about to find out.

**Warning:** This book contains a lot of incest. If you find that especially squicky, you may want to give this sporking a pass. I'm not going into any more detail than I have to, but it's still there.

\~/ The Enchantment Emporium Drinking Game! \~/

* Chapter 1
* Chapter 2
* Chapter 3
* Chapter 4
* Chapter 5
* Chapter 6
* Chapter 7
* Chapter 8
* Chapter 9
* Chapter 10
* Chapter 11
* Chapter 12
* Chapter 13
Patty Vázquez in the New Old World/Lista de Episodios

Esta es una lista con todos los episodios de la serie Skip And The Fantastic.

## Lista de Episodios

### Temporada 1

1. El Primer Día
2. Los Motivos
3. Aventura en el Templo
4. El Último Rincón de la Tierra
5. No te Quemes
6. Mi Pequeñísimo Amigo
7. En la Copa
8. Bajo la Sombra Del Otro
9. Es Cosa del Pasado
10. La Rivalidad
11. Cuestión de Suerte
12. La Computadora de Skip
13. Una y Otra Vez
14. Bajo Presión
15. Un Jovencito Desgraciado
16. Llegó el Circo
17. La Familia
18. ¿Quién Eres?

### Temporada 2

1. El Yeti
2. Trabajo en Parejas
3. Dos Tontos y un Hámster
4. Un Paseo Para Recordar
5. El Cristal Mágico
6. La Cueva de los Incurables
Dragonstone 15

**Chapter 15**

This chapter is one page long. It describes a forest. However, *this* forest is home to the Beornings Baeron. Note: no Baeron play a part in this book. \~/

The Baeron are really tall environmentalists who live in the Greatwood. The Greatwood has a clearing (creatively called The Clearing) in the middle, which measures 80 miles by 40.

That's not a clearing. That's a damn prairie. \~/

The Baeron come to The Clearing once a year to meet and mingle, and it's all utterly fascinating, I'm sure.

Drinks: 2

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