The Terrific Toad 3: Triple Trouble/Original Story

Toad kept his appearance incognito as he wore a heavy coat, a large hat, and deep sunglasses. No one could possibly recognize him, though that would hardly be an issue because he was the only living being in sight. He observed his surroundings. He stood in the third floor of an empty and dimly lit parking garage. He knew the time, and it was late. Real late.
He heard the special signal from the distant end of the lot. The signal was a series of taps against metal to the beat of the the percussion of Jungle Japes. Toad knew it was his turn to return a signal to let the other party know he was there. "'The greatest wealth is to live content with little,'" he quoted.
  A black van drove through the lot to turn in front of Toad. The window rolled down slowly to reveal Wario inside the. "That was the wrong password, doofus. The password was 'Play-doh,' not 'Plato,'" he explained with irritation in his voice.
  Toad forced through the conflict of details to get to the point. "Lay off me, fam. You know it's me, let's just get this started."
  "You're pretty fuckin' rude, buster," Wario sniffed, "You should be grateful I even let you on board this time. I aught to have clobbered ya' for that stunt back in Mexico."
  Toad's disposition shifted to a queasy mixture of frustration and honest regret. "I developed PTSD from all of the guns firing, can you really blame me for making a bad decision at the time?"
  Wario pushed his sunglasses down the slope of his nose to make direct eye contact with Toad to eye him suspiciously for a few uncomfortable moments. "Well. Either way. You're lucky I happened to have that coin sucking vaccuum from Mario Party 7 to get all the money back that you lost. Otherwise you'd be sleeping with the Cheep Cheeps."
  Toad bit his lip. "Look, man... I'm sorry. Really. But it all worked out in the end, didn't it?"
  "No it didn't! They busted me at the airport!" Wario snarled.
  "But... how come you aren't in prison then?" Toad asked.
  Wario shrugged.
  They were wasting time with frivolous questioning. "Well, what's the big plan this time?"
  Wario got out of the vehicle and went around back to unlock the back of the van. The doors swung open, allowing light to flow into the compartment and reveal a person dressed in military formal, tied up with ropes and a bag over their head. Wario set up a folding chair and lifted the body up to put it sitting upright in the chair.
  "Wario... who is this?"
  "Toad, my friend. Meet General Wang Guanzhong. He's going to tell us everything he knows, and then we're gonna blackmail the Chinese government."
  Toad's fingers twitched and he popped a few nicotine pills into his mouth. "Yeah, no thanks. I'm out," he stated bluntly, turning around to walk away.
  Toad felt Wario's hand on his shoulder. "Wait wait wait wait, buddy. Cousin. I promise we'll get some good info. Because I know a secret. This *isn't* actually a General."
  By this point Toad had learned to expect this kind of shit. "Well who the fuck is it then? *Waluigi?*" he asked sarcastically.
  "Wow. How'd you know?" Wario asked as he ripped the bag off of the person's head to reveal Waluigi.
  Toad blinked a few times. "You're kidding me."
  "Nope. He went undercover. He's been spying the whole time. We don't have to interrogate him or anything, he's on our side."
  "Guess again, my friends. That isn't really Waluigi," a figure spoke from the distance. Toad and Wario both turned to see the legs of a figure in overalls whose upper body was obscured by shadows.
  "How do you know that?" Wario questioned.
  "Because... I'm Waluigi," the figured explained, stepping out from the shadows and revealing himself to be who he claimed.
  "Wario what the shit," Toad asked sharply.
  "I've been following this person's movements for several months of investigation, and I have learned that they aren't an undercover agent spying on the Chinese... they are a Chinese double agent spying FOR the Chinese."
  The fake Waluigi in the chair scoffed. "Man. What a buncha jokers."
  The two weren't sure what to believe at this point, so Waluigi asserted to prove his point. "Don't believe me? Take off the mask."
  Wario eyed the person tied up in the chair suspiciously, and took Waluigi's advice to discover their real identity. Underneath the disguise, it was Reyn.
  "Guess we're in for a good old fashioned interrogation after all," Wario snarled. "Tell us what your real goals are, pal, if you know what's good for you."
  "Well, you see-"
  Wario whipped a pistol against his head. "Zip it, you son of a bitch. Nobody said you could talk."
  Toad struggled to have his voice heard enough to reach the others through the confusion. "I find all of this morally objectionable!"
  "I find it objectionable, too. Considering that's supposed to be one of the good guys," a figure spoke from the distance. Toad and Wario and Waluigi all turned to see the legs of a figure wearing jeans, and whose upper body was obscured by shadows. The figure tossed a cigarette to the ground and stomped it out.
  Toad struggled to wrap his mind around the situation as it got increasingly tangled. "Wario, who is even working for who? Isn't Waluigi with the Mexican government?"
  "Not quite. The person you are interrogating is with the US Government... but, if you want to know the truth... the US Government is corrupt, and they are in cahoots with the Eggman Empire!"
  Dale Gribble walked out of the shadows, already lighting another cigarette. "Don't believe me? Take off the mask."
  Toad and Wario cautiously removed another mask. Underneath it was someone most unexpected.
  "Like, zoinks, dude!"
  Everyone immediately recognized the figure's true identity.
  "Oh my God, it's Shigeru Miyamoto," Waluigi announced in exasperation.
  The father of modern gaming was in surprisingly good spirits, despite everything. "Do you guys, like, have any Scooby Snacks to share?"
  Dale threw a box of Scooby Snacks at Miyamoto. "You make me sick, you commie bastard."
  Toad misheard the statement completely. "Did you just say cummie bastard?"
  Police cars emerged in all directions to surround the entire floor of the parking garage. Sirens blared and the entire area was pelted with blinding blue and red lights flashing in all directions. The clicks of weapon safeties being turned off were audible as police officers got out of their cars, taking cover and assuming firing positions from behind the hoods of their vehicles.
  "This is Onishima, requesting aerial cover! Send in the choppers!"
  Helicopters soared in loops around the building, shining intense spotlights on the group of individuals near the black van. The king of Koopas took out a microphone to communicate with the accused from across the lot. "This is the meme police. As least one of you has violated federal law by being a sick fuck inside of a daddy-free zone. We have the entire building surrounded. Give yourselves up quietly."
  "Fuck, man, we gotta cheese it. It's the fuzz!" Wario shouted. He rushed inside of the driver's seat as Waluigi rounded Toad and Dale into the back of the van, just in time for Wario to floor it as bullets began ricocheting off of his ride. He powered through the police barricades, crashing through the cement walling of the garage and flying out into the open sky, narrowly missing a helicopter as the van flew three stories down to intensely crash into the ground below.
  Most of the passengers were ruffled up by the impact of the landing, some of them hitting their heads and receiving other injuries. Toad, on the other hand, was relatively calm. He downed the rest of the bottle of his nicotine pills and seemed to relax as if nothing were happening at all. Over the course of the last several months of his life, he had become quite the nihilist. The overwhelming sense of futility had run so deep that he couldn't even remember what Wario's original goal was anymore, all he knew is that he got wrapped into yet another shit show. Though he was aware of his own bad decisions and mistakes and their hand in turning his life upside down, he was ultimately at peace with himself.
  Anxiety boiled and tensions rose as the passengers dealt with the disorienting effects of intense speed and sharp turns. "I always knew it would end like this, with the government on my tail. Well, 'The Man,' isn't going to get me. Not now, and not ever!" he shouted, leaping from the back of the van and rolling upon landing in the street.
  Before anyone could even close the doors to the back of the van, the riders were violently thrown from their feet by a terrible impact. Getting back to their feet, Toad checked out the front window to see what had happened. Wario's van had side-swiped a red car, and upon closer inspection, Toad could tell the driver of the car was Adam Sandler.
  "Uuuuuh Wario? We need to get the hell outta here!!" Waluigi shouted. Looking out of the back of the van, he saw an enormous Pac-Man coming straight for them. It was then the motley crew realized they had driven onto the set of Pixels 2.
  The Pacster had Dale's hat and shades stuck to his mouth. Waluigi took off his hat in respect.
  Wario stepped on the gas with oppressing force and drove around the car he had collided with. "FUCK YOU, SAND MAN. PAUL BLART IS NOT MY PRESIDENT," he managed to shout as he blazed away.
  Pac-Man was hot on their tail for an intense few minutes of chase, but eventually Pac-Man was downed by concentrated bullet fire from the pursuing meme police. "Aw man, I'm a meme..." were the beast's last words.
  The friends were not out of woods, however; the law was determined to make them pay for their crimes. Wario swerved his damaged van through the winding city streets in an attempt to evade his dogged pursuers. He could see through his side mirror, however, that his jig was finally up: Bowser was leaning out of the window of a police van, aiming a PZR Grom rocket launcher right at the van. The Koopa King fired a 72 millimeter anti-aircraft missile at a projectile flight speed of 650 meters per second, and the shot found its mark underneath the van. A plume of explosive flames shot the van high into the air, melting the back tires down to the hubcaps and blasting the two swinging back doors right off of their hinges. Those inside the vehicle panicked as the van swirled through the air, ultimately hitting the ground with a painful crash and landing on its right side. Sparks flew as the car savagely slid across the pavement sideways, breaking through metal railing and falling into the city's lake.
  The van began sinking as Waluigi desperately untied Miyamoto's ropes so the man could swim and avoid drowning. "Guess this is the end of the line for us, huh," the mustached purple man sighed.
  "Heya, Toad, buddy!" a familiar voice called from high above the water. "You look like you could use a hand!"
  The group of friends looked up to see a rope drop from above them. The rope's source was none other than Toad's friends Luigi and DK, piloting the Great Fox.
  "You're a lifesaver, Luigi!" Toad cried, feeling happiness for the first time all day. "Come on, guys, let's get up there and blow this joint!"
  Soon, all of the fugitives were within the airship and safe from pursuit. Inside the ship, they found Luigi, DK, and all of their friends. "Looks like we made it just in time," DK chuckled.
  Toad found himself overwhelmed with emotion and ran into Luigi's arms for a hug.
  Mario, Princess Peach, and Boo entered the room through the same door. The three of them seemed to be dressing and zipping as if their clothes had been off. "We didn't miss anything, did we?" Peach asked.
  "Nope! You're just in time for the party. Toad's back!" Luigi returned.
  Wario leaned against a wall and held his forehead with a pained expression as if he had a headache. Waluigi joined him to see what was wrong. "Guess it's been a rough day, huh."
  "You're telling me. I don't even know what the fuck just happened. I could use a drink."
  Wario saw a drink slide across the bar counter right towards him. It was a grasshopper, pousse-café style. Wario looked up to see the Bartender give him a friendly wink and a smile.
  Over a few dozen minutes, Toad recounted his misadventures to all of his friends, who listened intently. Finally, at the end of his tales, he decided to look introspectively at himself and at his life.
  "Y'know, guys, I've made a lot of mistakes. I've ruined relationships. I've betrayed the trust of my friends. I've even broken the law. But, at the end of it all..."
  The mushroom bloke started to tear up. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry for all of the problems I've caused all of you!!"
  Bullet Bill flew up to Toad and put his arm on his shoulder. "I forgive you, Toad."
  "I don't," Mike Tyson mumbled.
  "Don't be rude, Mike," the Red Power Range whispered, nudging the boxer in the side.
  "Ok, ok... I forgive you too, Toad."
  Waluigi had once again tied Miyamoto in ropes upon entering the ship, opting to keep the agent restrained until they could determine his true loyalties. "That just leaves this loose end. We still haven't figured anything out about you or who you work for."
  "Like, Nintendo, dude."
  "That's not true. That's made up..." Yoshi spoke, his voice sounding very certain of himself. The dinosaur walked around the rope-bound video game designer, eyeing him cautiously. "I know a dirty stinkin' fuckin' rat when I see one. This isn't Miyamoto."
  "Well... who is it, then?" Mario asked.
  "Time to find out..." Donkey Kong answered, walking up to the mack daddy of video games and removing yet another mask.
  Toad's eyes widened. "T-T-T-TOADETTE?!"
  Sure enough, it was the one other person with a head as large and bulbous as Toad's own. Well, except for all of the fucking Toads in Color Splash. Since there are like a million of them and they all look the same. "Yeah, Toad. It's me."
  Their eyes met and locked together as if magnetized. They looked back so fondly on the days of tender love they used to spend under the moonlight. Every slope and every curve, perfectly memorized. Crystal clear imagery of one another in the mind's eye. As if they had never been apart, the two could instantly recall each other's personalities, speaking quirks, laughs, habits, hobbies, hopes, dreams... it was perfect unison of the soul. With such intense focus, and connection, the two became intimately aware of each other's movements. For every breath, for every blink, for every twitch, for every subtle movement... thoughts and feelings were conveyed silently better than ten thousands words could describe. Toad noticed Toadette's lips curve ever so slightly, with the fledgling beginnings of a true smile. She had certainly heard Toad's speech from earlier. She must have known that he was a changed man from the man she left. Hormones swirled in cyclones between the two of them, and their minds wandered off in joyous content to explore thoughts and musings of the once-tantalizing idea of seeing one another in such positive light once more. They could practically feel every drop of sweat, sense every heartbeat, and read every thought from each other. After all this time, they were finally together once more, and this was the chance to reclaim what once was. To regain a connection that changed both of their lives at one point, and had surely left both of them with a wide emptiness at another point still when they lost each other. But now their hearts were one and the same. And it was finally time.
  "Toadette... will you be my girlfriend again?"
  "No."
  "Oh."
  Toadette threw a smoke bomb and ran off to make her exit with one of the escape pods of the ship.
  Shy Guy shrugged. "You win some, you lose some."
  Within the escape pod, Toadette took out a hologram communicator to contact her boss. A blue, transparent figure hovered over the device. Now that she was alone, she was free to speak in her own voice instead of her faked spy voice. Her real voice was basically the same scraggly ass Toad voice but with a British accent. Have fun trying to voice act this one, fuckers. "Master, things did not go as expected. I was compromised for a small duration, but I've escaped. We are free to enact our plan now."
  "Cool beans," Emperor Palpatine replied back.
  Back on the ship, the friends all coped in their own ways with what had just happened. Wario was content to have booze in his system, but still sighed in regret. At the end of the day, he was no closer to being richer than he started. "Cheer up, pal," Waluigi comforted his friend, "Maybe I can have a talk with my boss. Maybe he can get you a job, so you can earn some honest money."
  Wario sniffed. "You know? Maybe that actually sounds good, for once."
  "That's the spirit. Though, it will take me a while to actually get in contact with him. He's rather elusive..."
  "That won't be necessarily, Agent W," a figure spoke from the distance. Toad and Wario and Waluigi all turned to see the legs of a figure in striped shorts whose upper body was obscured by shadows.
    "Oh, man! Boss! How'd you get here?" Waluigi questioned in surprise.
  "I was in the neighborhood, bruddah," the boss replied.
  "Well, folks. Allow me to introduce you all to the Head Director of the United States-Mushroom Kingdom Joint Intelligence Operation: Uncle Tito."
  Uncle Tito stepped out from the shadows. "Aloha."
  It was hardly the most unexpected occurrence of the day, but it was unexpected nonetheless. "That's a pretty fancy job title," Mario praised, "Why don't you have a title like that, Luigi?"
  "I do. It's Mama Luigi to you, Mario."
  But even in space, the police could hear them meme. "THIS IS ONISHIMA, I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS! JUST GET THOSE PUNKS!"
  The officer was ready to shoot the Great Fox out of the sky, he really was. He had the force set up a particle cannon and everything. But Bowser put his hand on Onishima's shoulder. They knew an unwinnable battle when they saw one. With heavy sighs, they gave up.
  Uncle Tito reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out an incredibly small envelope. "You see, bruddahs, I've been aware of all of this for quite some time. I even know Toadette's next move, and the agency will be ready when it happens."
  "Do you think I'll ever see Toadette again?" Toad asked earnestly.
  "Bruddah, the Ancient Hawaiians have a saying for you. 'Fly the kite; it must not fly you.'"
  It took a moment to reach clarity of the point, but Toad understood it. His life was his own to define from there on out. It was the same for everyone there. He turned he head around the room and recognized that all of his friends understood the meaning behind Tito's words. Wario and Waluigi toasted glasses together. Toad, Luigi, Donkey Kong, Yoshi, Bullet Bill, Mike Tyson, the Red Power Ranger, and Bill Shy the Science Guy, all group hugged. Mario, Peach, and Boo all left as a group to go do who knows what.
  "If it makes you feel any better, bruddah, I do have this here envelope. It's got some intel on Toadette that we've gathered. Maybe she left one last message for you."
  Tito handed Toad the object. He opened it and found a small, slim piece of paper inside, about the size of a fortune from a fortune cookie. It only had a single line of text on it.
  "What if this happened to you."
  Toad tore the paper in half and crumpled it. "Fuck this shit."

## Mood

* Reading: Republic (Plato)
* Watching: Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures