Brett, Sam, and Cody, Our Engineers

**"Brett, Sam, and Cody, Our Engineers"** is the forty-ninth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Hayes and Sean play a game of “That's Wheely Interesting” where they describe their first encounters with celebrities and Sean talks about BBQ festival etiquette. Then, BRETT, SAM, and CODY are on the other side of the table for an exclusive engineer-only episode where they get really personal and tackle some confusing games from other podcasts. Finally, during the Popcorn Gallery, Brett finally finds out what Sam does when he’s not in the studio.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Hayes over the theme: "So we're doing the live show, and you see I look out and Maggie.. Q, is there. With her head back and her mouth open, like she's snoozing! During the show. She's just like like.. having a snooze. But then I talked to her after the show, I come up to her and she explains: she was frozen in a laugh. She was having a big laugh and she *froze* in laugh position, from the bigness, of the big laughy." Sean has to get this clarified, it's like in that movie *Weird Science*

### Guest Segment

* Sean over the theme: "So, I'm talking to her, and I'm kind of keeping her there for a little while, so, and I go, 'You know Julie.. Bowen. One cool thing you can say if you ever get hit with a water balloon is, uh, 'Oh thanks, I was hot anyway,' you know, like, to play it off?' she goes 'Oh, uh, I guess that's a good tip.' Boom! Smash! She gets hits with a friggin' water balloon, right in the head!" "But did she remember to.. say?" "I mean, she remembered what I told her, but it, you know, but it bounce off her head, and then it didint, it broke against a rock, she didn't get wet from it." "But when it's hitting her, it still is a little cold." "Right, yeah.. I should have said that to her.
* Usually the boys like to bring in a superstar to talk about the beezness, or about doing success. This week, they've done things as differently as possible. If the show was a human, they would literally be turning it inside out and showing you the inside guts, and if you're not a medically trained doctor, this could make you pretty sick. But isn't that a treat for the guts, who don't normally get to be seeing them?
* Each engineer says 'Hello' as they're introduced, Cody says (see video):
* Cody gets scolded for saying the specific thing that they told him not to say. He has an impish smile and he thinks he got one over on them, and he's in big trouble. And his punishment is being decided. His mic is cut off until they decide what his punishment will be
* They decide to focus on Brett and Sam: what's it like to be on the other side? Brett would normally be excited to be asked to be on a show, but the intro alone-- Brett prepares to get shit on for an hour. The boys say they'll do 40 minutes at most.
* Brett has no problem with Ben Schwartz, he didn't act like what Brett is acting like! And if he did, he wouldn't be on *House of Lies* any more! If Brett ever wants to be on *House of Lies*-- Brett interrupts to say he doesn't. This triggers a demi-Hayes loud laugh, "Yeah right!!" Unreal.
* Sam wonders if his ban on talking into the mic is lifted when asked what he thinks of all of this.
* Brett wonders if Sam's alteration to his ban on talking into the mic includes a word limit-- is this some sort of twitter joke? Brett has become something of a tweetster recently.
* Everyone decides to reset, cleaning the slate that's covered in scribbled Ben Schwartz slurs.
* Brett thinks he might be more famous than some of the guests the boys get in there, like Jordan Morris and a lot of the other big names! Or that he's like guts, although they did say guts is good! They look gross, but they make a body work.
* They ask Sam, again, what he thinks about all of this: "I love it, I'm lucky to be here, considering how baddily I started." Sam misspeaking brings up a review of the ban on talking into the mic. Brett makes a snarky comment pointing this out, and wishes that the boys would notice when he has something good to say. Hayes berates him, what does he want, a parade!? They then make a mocking parade sound effects reel with horns, and the parade is actually their middle finger
* Brett feels numb to all of this, YEAH RIGHT he got fricking roasted.
* Cody breaks in with another 'Bababooey' and the guys yell at him! "Cody!" He has hacked into the system, and is saying nonsense words into the show. It's like the movie *Virtuoisity,* he has gotten into the system and keeps saying whatever crazy word he keeps saying! Hayes lets him have one more time to say it
* They ask Brett if he has a family "Yes, I have a family." Hayes "No you don't!" But they make him expand on it for the sake of this exercise. He starts going on with some really boring shit, he grew up in the Bay area, has an older brother and older sister. Hasn't he seen people do a podcast, give it a little jazmatazz! They always ask this question. Sean asks if that Bay area thing was supposed to be some sort of gay joke, Sean actually *likes* those guys. Brett says he either likes them or doesn't, they're just people. But no! You're supposed to like them, Brett.
* Brett has been begging to get the guys to watch *History Boys* the movie and they do not want to.
* They want to ask Sam about what it's like to do recording of their show. Brett starts bragging about how he's Lead Engineer, it's like being the world's fattest skinny guy.
* Sam says he loves the show, there are some pros and cons. Brett is revealed as a mean boss, everything has to go through him. We already know this. Sam: "I've met a lot of new people on the forums, everyone is .. loves you... No one treats me baddily." This seems to Hayes that he likes the attention that he got from before, and now he's being a bad baby.
* This almost makes Sean want to ask Cody what his take on all of this is: "Bababooey." Cody!!! Enough. It was funny the first time, OK? And he got mad, but he can admit it is funny once to say something silly and crazy. Even Sean has been guilty of this. It is a funny sound. But! Enough's enough. This many times, it has gotten absurd. It's getting very disrespectful
* They ask Brett what the biggest treat is about being there right now. No engineers get to be the guest of the whole show! He's excited to voice his opinon, what he said about Ben Schwartz, black people, and gay guys. And they're finding out why engineers aren't guests very often.
* They want to do another clean slate, except the middle finger stays on the record. He still gets the middle finger. Brett needs to thank his lucky stars he's not getting a super finger right now! Sam knows this is a Dane Cook bit. With enough of a windup, a superfinger would *end* him. Brett thought it was mashing both middle fingers together with both hands. He doesn't even deserve a super finger, because it hurts their hands to do it
* They ask Brett who some of the best people he's met are: he says Sean and Hayes, he really likes the show. And he's been a big fan for it, for a long time. Although he did mispeak. His own weapon is now used against him, Sam says "What was that, that you said?" Brett has learned that when you point a superfinger at someone, there are three superfingers pointing back at you. Brett met Sinbad the other day, and Tenacious D. Although that wasn't for this show it was for Comedy Bang Bang. Hayes mocks CBB fans "Oo I love that show, how they do the riddles! And.. I don't even know."
* Cody interrupts the boys's incredulity at the segments from CBB. He's controlling the system with his mind now! He's closed his eyes and he's inside the wires. He's become so powerful, and Hayes hates how powerful he's gotten! It's alarming. Hayes despises Cody.
* While trying to introduce the Popcorn Gallery, the boys can't help but go off on Comedy Bang Bang some more. Sam says that Would You Rather can go on for longer because the guests are all better than him. Brett says that Ben Schwartz is great at this game, but the guys realize he's just sucking up now. Ben probably isn't listening anymore, and he's probably on his way to the studio to beat Brett's butt! Brett doesn't get to choose if Ben is going to use a boxing glove or a frigging woodern paddle. That's riddle me that! Brett corrects them, saying it's Would Your Rather, but he doesn't get to choose, he's in a ditch!
* Nothing Sean has ever done has gone as badly as this. He's a hitmaker, do you understand? When he touches something, it's gold! Brett tries to make Sean cool down.
* After the Pro Version, Hayes asks Brett what people do on Who Charted and wonder if that's what they should do. Brett tells them that they count down the charts, and Hayes and Sean get very angry as they look at some of the listens. That's all they do?! they just count down the charts? 1,2,3,4? Brett says how they're a lot higher in listeners. Brett is asked to watch his tone when he says stuff like this. Brett wants counting?
* Sam mentions how the first 40 minutes of the show or so he was very nervous but now he's feeling like himself -- "Does anyone want to ask me any questions?" Hayes ends the show.

## Recurring Segments

* That's Wheely Interesting - a little game they like to play sometimes in this show where they spin the wheel, and its got the names of everyone they've ever met on it. And they tell the story of how they met that perosn
	+ Sean spins the wheel for Hayes. We hear lot of noise while Sean limbers up, because he has an electronic back implant he has to program before doing a big physical exertion. Then we hear the noise of the wheel spinning, with different voices from history interspersed.
		- The wheel lands on: **Dev Patel**. Hayes met him when Dev was doing *Newsroom*, Hayes was going to have a big party, a big parade .Hayes didn't know him before Newsroom because he was a street rat before.
		- Sean knew him doing that time, he paid him to steal a carton of cigarettes. Sean hates when people have long hair, because he can't tell if they're a boy or a girl as he approaches them with a randy gait, his hands out and curled up, ready to pinch their bottoms. Then they turn around and they're both men.
		- Back to Hayes's story- Hayes had heard that there was someone there who knew a genie that he could potentially get a wish from. He goes to the set, Dev meets him, and says 'Hey, uh, you know I heard you're, you're looking for a genie, and will you just rub this?" And he holds out what Hayes thought was just his phone, he just had the flashlight app going, and it's dark so it does sort of look like a lamp, but when he was feeling it, it did feel like a real phone. Some voice, he doesn't know if it was Dev's, goes "OoooOooo, welcome: the Genie!" And then, he didn't see any genie, but he says that it is there. Dev says he'll prove it, saying 'Genie, knock that book off the shelf!' and the book does fall off the shelf, but it also had a big rope ties to it, that's going to his hand. He doesn't know if Dev pulled the rope-- if a book is flying off the shelf a lot, you might want a rope on it.
		- At this point, Hayes was skeptical that the genie was real. He says he can tell Hayes about his past- he starts telling him how he had a grandma. Pretty uncanny, Sean didn't know this! And he describes her as an old lady. The fact that he would know this sells Hayes on it. Hayes wishes for a girlfriend and the genie goes "OoooOoooK!" in a Don Pardo voice. The light goes out, and Hayes has to pay him $400,000; it's Dev's genie. He did meet Carrie Ann two months after that, and started dating 2 and half years after that. This is a lesson for don't judge people because they look differently-- Dev is so thin.
	+ Hayes spins the wheel for Sean - But first goes off in a race-car, with realistic powerful engine sound effects, then came back to get his spinny stick. Then he does the real spinny: finishing with Don Pardo saying "Featuring.. **Brian Baumgartner**!" who played Kevin on *The Office*.Sean does not want to have to tell this story... You can probably guess, Brian and Sean have a decent amount in common. Some common interests, one of those being: Authentic Kansas City Barbecue. It's a dry rub on the Kansas City BBQ, it's not saucy! All these saucy barbecues, Sean just can't really get on board, it's so messy. Number one: It's fake! Number Two: Sean likes to dress nice when he goes to barbecue, he wears a tux with tails, and he doesn't want to be getting sauce all over it! But a nice powder, and heated on the charcoal.. Hayes asks if it's heated for a short time.. Hayes, no.... no no. Not like ten minutes. It's a long time! Sean is talking about slow cooking some of these ribs
		- Sean is passing frough Kansas City, down there for the Barbecue Festival, that's right! Barbecue. He's down there, he sits down at the judge's table, to be a judge of what's the good food. The other judges are Emeril (eh! Try again!) he's not going to sit next to that hockey puck! He's not a real guy, he's fake! Plastic! Faker than those saucy ribs. A hockey puck is a liar! You can barely throw it, it just sticks in the grass. Emeril pretends all the time that he's 'kicking things up a notch' and 'bamming' things, but you know he's not even doing that?
		- So now they can't use Emeril, and there's a pretty big chair. Who's a big guy who could fill this chair? Brian Urlacher. He's very good friends, and was actually college roomates with a little actor on *The Office* who you would not be surprised who this is: Creed Bratton.
		- So Sean, Urlacher, and Creed go out after the festival, and they're tying one on, and they go ' you know who would have really liked this barbecue festival? Brian Baumgartner.' Sean has known him for a while, he met him years earlier. The story for when he met Baumgartner was crazy! OOoo that's a crazy one. Sean and the Baumer? They call him that because they once diffused a bomb on Air Force One. Hayes "That's why you call him 'the Bomber..?'" They just thought it was Air Force One, but because of technology it winded up not being that. It was a big condor, like a bird. A huge one. Hayes "But it did have a bomb on it?" That's why Sean calls him the Baumer-- it didn't! They both thought that, at the time. He's gotta do that story sometime. Brian loves barbecue.
		- Creed has kind of an interesting birthmark, but that's not really a story. Looks like an anvil, it's on his hip
* What Am I Thinking?
	+ Sean counts to 3: Cody says 'Bababooey,' Sean says 'Bababooey,' Brett says 'Carnival,' Hayes says 'Mad,' Sam just says the letter M, because he was nervous. Brett's word was bad. Sean thinks he got infected by what Cody has! It could be some kind of illness. He's just saying Bababooey and sneezing for a couple of days.
	+ Now to say the word that connects Carnival, Bababooey, Bababooey, Mad, and then M and getting nervous. Sean says 'Carnival,' Hayes says 'Bababooey Mad Carnival,' Brett says 'Inappropriate,' Sam said 'Clown.' An angry clown who's at the carvnival, his name is bababooey! Sam is doing a really great job. Maybe one day Sam will be lead engineer! Brett says this might make him go even higher Hayes: "Yeah right, you'll be in a ditch." and Sean says the same thing Hayes did
* Would You Rather?
	+ Brett proposes "Would you rather have lobster claws or would you rather.." Sean "have to roll everywhere, have to lie down and roll there."
	+ Sean proposes "Would you rather have jelly from a jelly donut comin' out of your fingers our would you rather your head's a balloon and you're in outer space?" or "Would you rather you're a bunch of pancake batter, or rather you're a poster of pancake batter?" It's nonsense. Even when you pick one, you don't get to do it!
	+ They ask Engineer Sam "Would you rather your whole body is just a bunch of honey or would you'rather you gotta live in a jar and your dad just hits the jar with a hammer?" Sam picks the honey. But then he asks questions about it "If my whole body is honey can I still go about my daiy routines?" Sean tells him if his whole day is being honey, sure. This is the whole show? This is the entire show? There's more of this!? This is the show? That's the big show? They're doin' -- Cody interrupts
* Popcorn Gallery- They play a snippet of Tim Treese's theme to introduce this segment, before going off on CBB some more. They play another couple of lines.
	1. Brett, to Sam: "Umm. Sam, um, what do you do besides engineer here?"
		+ Restore old motor cycles, and comic books. Althouh the guys figure Sam is just saying this because he knows Sean and Hayes like them. And he's never going to get to figure out how to put that motorcycle together, they're in pieces on the floor and he's never going to figure out how to put them together. It's in too many pieces!  Brett can't have one.
	2. Sam, to Brett: "What happened to that band that you played in? When I first started here, you were playing in a band. Are you still in that band?"
		+ The band is kind of on hiatus now. This makes everyone uncomfortable.
	3. Sean, to Sam: "What the fuck is wrong with you!? Why are you fucking me like this? You tryin' to embarrass me? Huh? That's a question. This funny to you? Is this fun to you, to see me fail?"
		+ No. Sam has another thing come if he thinks this is going to come down on them. Brett is sorry they feel this way.
* Brett, Being Himself  - A segment that everyone loves! What everyone is tuning in for
	+ "Umm, I'd like to plug some albums I've been working on..." Hayes interrupts that the show is OOOOOOOVEEEERRRR
* Pro Version - Someone who they want to punish, Chanson  - the purchaser gets the greatest prize anyone could ever get, Brett's going to be himself again. "Chanson, you can buy Howard Kremer's album that I produced. It's called "Summah This, Summah That" It's out right now, you can feel free to buy it. It's a great, great reward." They also want to punish Hug Life for not being around and disappearing. Sam will be himself for hug life: "I guess I'd like to plug something I did that only helps me. Um.. I made stuff. He'd like to plug the album where the money just goes to me." Sam took Bretts blade and sliced him with it with that response!

## Recurring Jokes

* Lauffing -Maggie Q was lauffing so big that she froze in place
* Wife and Kids - Hayes started dating Carrie Ann as a result from wishing with Dev Patel's genie
* Talking to the Engineer - the entire guest segment is such!
* Hamburger Sandwich - Ben Schwartz offers Brett a role on *House of Lies* as an Engineer Brett character who brings Don Cheadle a sandwich
* Comic Books / Nerds - Sam says Comic Books are his hobbies because he knows that Hayes and Sean are nerds and love them
* Bashing Other Podcasts - Hayes and Sean mock Comedy Bang Bang fans, and even go so far as to play a couple of their games on the episode. They can't believe it's actually a show! They also can't believe a show is just counting down the charts! how do they have more listens?

## Ads

* The Toilet Bowl Cleaners - Hayes says they're the best poop song band in the world. 10 Albums of poop songs, not just songs. "Poop Into A Wormhole", "The Diarrhea Bounce-Back", "I Pee When I Poop, but Not the Other Way Around," and "Poop in the Urinal" -- Hayes likes three of these songs, and the other one he's not crazy about but he won't say which. On iTunes, Amazon, Spotify!
* The Toilet Bowl Cleaners ad may be an attempt to make right for a previous ad where Sean (in jest) apathetically reads the ad copy and then laments on how they were the only ones to give money to the show. The artist behind The Toilet Bowl Cleaners, Matt Farley, was apparently upset by the previous add, which is referenced in episode #145 of the BONE ZONE podcast(starts at 35:00, they trail off, so if you want to fast track it, then start at 44:00). Hayes also subtly references this in a later episode by re-stating that he indeed likes the band, despite what people may think.
* Earwolfman Jack and the Nerd promote Kulap's *Origin Story* doc (repeat)

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Sean Clements, Brett Morris, Sean Kieffer, Hayes DavenportHayes, Sean, and Brett Morris in the studioHayes, and Brett Morris in the studioSean giving the bird