2016 Power Rankings-Playoffs 3

<---Playoffs 2

So this is how Hillary Clinton felt on Election Night.

Look, I’m going to be honest. I think everyone here knows that I have been living the last couple months in a fantasyland (pun sort of intended?). And in this fantasyland, my team was second to only The Shotti Bunch, and with Shottis’ injuries my team was second to none. My team was the most consistent, most reliable. My team was the team to beat. My team was the team that was going all the way. I think everyone could sense my confidence reaching a tipping point, and I think everyone other than me probably saw this coming: the moment when my confidence evolved like a Pikachu into cockiness and then finally a full fledged unstoppable MattJinx.

So yeah: I am sick to my stomach. I quite literally am. I’ve upped the dosage on my digestion medication. I didn’t get a wink of sleep Sunday night. I stared blankly at the ceiling, watching the headlights of passing cars bounce off the walls and imagining that they were all my missed opportunities rushing by to someplace happier, more forgiving, an alternate universe where I don’t choke every fucking year during the same fucking week with the same bad fucking roster. I considered calling out sick at work. I had to apologize to my girlfriend for seeming “off.”

At least I didn’t throw chairs this year, I told her.

Right, she said. Like that Broncos game last year.

Actually it was the Eagles game, I said.

Well, what game weren’t you throwing chairs last season, am I right? She replied.

I’m considering cancelling Christmas. Not for me. Like literally I am considering a flight to the North Pole to kidnap Santa and hold him hostage until he promises to cancel Christmas for everybody. No toys. No happiness. Nothing!

I even thought about cancelling my dinner plans with JarJar Stinks on Thursday. How was I supposed to sit across from the man who literally murdered my hopes and dreams and eat his delicious meal without throwing myself across the table and trying to wear his skin in some sort of Face/Off meets Silence of the Lambs plot where I pretend to be him to have a chance at winning the championship game?

I wish Fantasy wasn’t a thing. I’m not being dramatic. I genuinely believe I’d be a happier and healthier person if Fantasy Football didn’t exist. I devote hours of my day to fantasy. On car rides to and from work I’m listening to fantasy radio. At the gym, same thing, an hour of fantasy sports talk. In bed at night I’m reading fantasy articles. At work I spend hours, HOURS doing the fantasy write up, reading stats, graphs, charts, diagrams, diaphragms, Diagons, polygons, octogons, octomoms, everything, anything that will give me a one point edge on Sunday. And despite all that I STILL FUCK IT UP. What did I read this weekend? Bench Matthews for Thomas because Thomas has more upside. What did I do? Started fucking Matthews.

But I digress.

As an owner, I could not be more disappointed. But as league commish, we plod on.

Now this week’s writeup may not be as flashy or as long as writeups past and that has nothing to do with the fact that I’m writing it from my cell in the insane asylum my family has had to commit me to and all to do with the fact that it’s Christmas week and I’ve had even less than zero time to write my rankings.

Semi-Finals Recap

The Shotti Bunch vs. Hernandez Bracelets/FreeOJ/RIPDab
RIP has changed their name for each of their semifinals matchups with TSB. Hell, we can throw “Bust a Cap” in there for their 2011 loss to Papa’s Posse. No matter the name, the result stays the same. The Shotti Bunch rolled to victory against RIP for back to back Championship appearances. So where did it all go wrong for RIP? I guess we should start with what went right for TSB. Just about everything. Brady, who wasn’t projected for an incredible day, came in with just half of his projection. But moving down the roster, TSB had Miller and McCoy combine for over 75 points. Atlanta defense, meanwhile, was perhaps the boldest start the team has made all season. Remember earlier this year when we were criticizing RIP for starting Atlanta when almost every other defense in the league would have been a better start? This was just one of many kicks in the teeth that Dab had to endure this week.

RIP tried to capitalize on the mistake of Paddock 9 to drop Adam Theilan. That backfired like so many other streaming decisions this year when Thielan left the game early with a neck injury and scored zero points. Then they tried to capitalize on the injury to Gordon and Farrow fumbled once and rushed for under 40 in a 7.33 point effort.

The three staples came through for RIP. EZ rushed for a buck 59 and Dak had a great comeback game with 32.06 FP. Crabtree also broke his projection by a few points. But with four guys under ten and only three over 20 there was very little hope for success going up against a team that has consistently put up over 240.

For Dab, you can’t help but wonder if the time will ever come for them to take the final step. Had Shotti been able to grab the 1 seed RIP would have faced GBM and won a nailbiter. But that’s not how this chapter of the LoC story ends. It ends with another 3rd place consolation game. Another sub-par performance in the biggest game of the year. Another loss to The Shotti Bunch with the Championship Game on the line.

For Shotti, things are becoming routine. Win 8-10 games with the best running back roster, win one playoff game, and face an opponent with the best receiving corps. Last year it was MMMS coming in with ODB and co. and we all saw how that one ended.

Garoppoblow Me vs. JarJar Stinks!
Before we go calling this a lucky game for Jarjar, consider this: even if GBM had started their optimal lineup they still would have only scored 236.33, not enough to beat JarJar (who also did not set their optimal lineup). So this game was lost straight up regardless of who GBM started.

On Saturday night this looked to be GBM’s week, when a last minute sub for Robby Anderson gave them a quick 25 points heading into Sunday. Robby managed exactly 80 yards to hit his bonus and the touchdown was exactly 40-yards, which gave him 19 points on a single play.

But the beginning of the Sunday games was a terrible omen for GBM, when in a span of five minutes Ty Montgomery began his wild scoring day (remember earlier this season GBM grabbed Ty but then dropped him due to lack of production) and Sterling Shepard scored a TD (benched for Jordan Matthews). Now in reality, these two things have no direct impact on the guys that DID start, but we all know how the Fantasy Gods operate. They were sending a message. They were telling me that this was not going to work out, they think it’s best if we see other people.

Luck was on JarJar’s side Sunday, and I don’t mean the luck of the Irish. I mean Andrew Luck had his fourth best game of the season and shredded GBM’s Minnesota defense. With Seattle getting the matchup of the week against the weak LA Rams, the 45 point difference between MINN and SEA was already enough to give JarJar the victory.

But they piled it on. Rishard Matthews had over 100 receiving yards. Dez Bryant beat his projection and finished with 20. ODB had a good, not great, but good day and finished one point shy of his projection with 22. Only one player under 10 points on the whole roster.

GBM made some STUPID decisions, like Matthews against Baltimore over top WR Michael Thomas for New Orleans. But in the end, that didn’t matter. The team was beat fair and square. And in the cruelest way, the Fantasy Gods punished them for bragging that they had scored over 190 in every single game this season. They finished with 190.03 points.

For JarJar, well, I don’t think they saw this one coming.
A year ago on 12/18, 2015 at 4pm JarJar Stinks! And Garoppoblow Me were sitting down to watch “The Force Awakens” together for the first time. Exactly one year later, almost to the minute, JarJar eliminated GBM from the playoffs.

At one point it was a question whether they would even make the playoffs. And now look at them. One win away from the biggest upset since Super Bowl 42.

The Championship Game
Okay, well it’s now 12:57. I started writing these Monday morning. I don’t know where the week went but fuck me, football is on Saturday this week and I can’t do the championship preview.

Here it the abbreviated version:
Shotti has no Miller, no Green, and no Gordon. Could the upset be possible? This would be huge. HUGE.

And that’s it. That’s the preview.

Next week we’ll do recaps of the 1st, 3rd, and 5th place game (from week 15), as well as the consolation round wrap up and other loose ends to close the season.

Merry Christmas you filthy animals.