Uncyclopedia's Guide to Rugby

*This article refers to the sport of Rugby, Tossball, or Egg-Chasing. For the other kinds of rugby, see Rugby Union (real rugby) and Rugby League (bouncing off each others faces repeatedly).*

*This article is made of multiple adjoined articles and therefore your reading experience will be full of ass. Sowwy.*

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**Rugby**, also called **DickGrab** was created in approx. 10 Million B.C. Invented by Frank Williams. Early forms of the game saw cavemen stealing dinosaur eggs and running back to their caves. This is represented in the game nowadays, as mainly people with low IQ and caveman tendencies participate in the sport.

People who play are very happy and tend to have the same square flat-faced look because of their heads being squashed in between various men's thighs. This has nothing to do with the fact that it takes no sort of physical fitness to play rugby and your coach does all the thinking for you; rather, it is that your WOW coaches force you to do intense training regimens such as doing 10 push-ups then going to Dairy Queen. So, join your local Rugby team today, it'll make you a better alien! This has worked for over 1,234,567,890 people!

Ben has sometimes been called the "penis licking" sport, mostly by American Football players, who are too fat to run for more than 3 seconds without a break. However, Rugby is one of the most intense sports in the world because of the skills required to perform a gang bang when all the players crowd around the ball and please each other. The team which players reach orgasm first magically get the ball and start running down to the other teams end.

The league for sensible naming of sports has tabled a motion to rename Rugby (or Rugby Football) Hand Egg. This motion was tabled because the League feel that the name Rugby or Rugby Football is unrepresentative of the actual game played. It is not exclusively played in Rugby, The majority of play does not use the feet, and the "ball" is clearly an egg.

"Rugby is not a South African official language. It was abolished after people realised that the sport is just a bunch of stupid fat low-IQ Afrikaans-speaking beer-drinking hoity-toity illiterates chasing an egg over perfectly good grass that someone took the time to maintain."

The sport has absolutely no logic behind it and is almost intolerable to watch, but many insist on watching, and watching it while drinking heavily (in fact, drinking is compulsory). Rugger (as it is known in Texas),

In Australia, it became too hot to wear the padding, plus the helmets made drinking beer harder, and so the labour movement of the country decided that if a man couldn't have a beer when he wanted, it would infringe on his civil liberties. The ball was egg-shaped as these were very cheap and ostriches left them lying all over the place. Rolf Harris is the most famous rugby player of Oz.

Soon the kiwis started getting involved, but due to their stubby wings, they found the game very hard to get to grips with. They still insist that they are the best in the whole wide world, mainly because no other team has wings. To prove this, they allow wild animals such as Wooden Lions to tour the country.

Eventually, Asia was allowed to join in because they had run out of wars to fight, and it became popular in the UK where lots more gays are allowed to play, such as Whales, Wasps, Sharks, Whelks and Tigers in the Six-Nations with France, who weren't very good at anything much, except running away from everything. When not working on world domination by getting everyone slammed, the Irish play rugby, but, as it is a sport (thus bearing no affiliation to potatoes), the Irish are crap at it. It is commonplace in Ireland to use a live cat as the ball and the first player to maim the animal is pronounced the winner. Various attempts to drop kick babies over the post forced matches between England and Ireland to be made illegal, players being sent to the jungles in South America to live in wooden huts and live off kangaroo testicles that were imported from a strange French country (like France, for instance). Eventually, these players came back from [South America] with Pumas, but the Rugby Union treats these cats like Shit.

Many provinces in Ireland play the sport. The Munster Juggernauts and the Leinster Highlights (No, not the reel). The two teams were drawn against each other in the European cup, but in the 4th minute a dispute broke out and for the rest of the allotted 80 minutes, the Munster and Leinster backs competed to see whose hair was the most over-highlighted and styled. Leinster were victorious in this encounter as they had Brian O'Driscoll in their squad. In the past Connaught and Ulster were believed to have played the sport, although no proof of this has been discovered.

Rugby union is considered brilliant by the English, because they like to see people beating the shit out of each other, possibly a psychological throwback to the ancient Roman circuses.

Rugby is quite possibly the gayest game on the planet. The object of the game is to run round in filth attempting to grab other boys who, like you, are dressed in the most appalling attire seen outside of gay pride parades. This consists of stubbies, long socks and a skin-tight shirt.
For those not familiar with the disgusting spectacle that is rugby, it also involves multiple scrums. This is when a number of the players drop their stubbies and BUM each other in the middle of the field. Whichever team is done first is the winner.

### Scoring

Scoring in rugby happens in various crisps. One such way is to break the ball by kicking the ball at the people sitting in the stands watching in hopes of hitting one of them in the face thus causing the ball to break. Three points are awarded for a player if they successfully do this. However, the preferred way to score is by grabbing hold of the ball and jumping on it and fucking it like a Thai hooker. This is preferred because rugby players are deathly afraid of the white lines (cocaine excluded) which are on the field, believing that if they step on them they will contract *white line fever*, which will cause them to have an inexplicable desire to paint a white line on any and all objects they see, most commonly their elderly relatives. If a player is able to break the ball by jumping on it they are awarded three points for breaking the ball and an additional 4 points if they jump over a white line and avoid getting *white line fever*. A team automatically wins a match of rugby if they are able to Morris Dance for five minutes without any one member of the team being beaten to death with a shovel by an opposing player or spectator.

Points can also be scored by injuring players of the other team. If during a game you so strike a player on the other team that they bleed, your team receives one point for every pint of blood (rounded up), and the said player loses. To add to this, the player who is bleeding is kicked off the field for the disgrace of bleeding and must eat a whole jar of 5-year-old mayonnaise. If they cannot comply, body parts are removed, beginning with the organs of procreation. If you injure an opposing player to the extent that they cannot continue playing your team is awarded two points and another three points for every person that is needed to help the injured player off the field.

### Rugby 'Positions'

Penis Handler: Without a doubt the gayest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer-swilling cocksuckers that can and will suck any cock in their path. Revelling in the gay inherent in the cum, they are rarely considered "straight" people, and in fact to some they aren't even considered humans at all. Penis Handlers take many penises far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to sucking the cocks that surround them. Accused by some of simply being fags, I prefer to think of this group as "open to homosexual ways of thinking." The front row also suck massive cocks.

Faggots: Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As with front row players, it is inadvisable to put an penis you wish to keep near this group's maw when they are in the sucking mode. This group of gay, often cock-sucking brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer penis of sucking on a fallen opponent's body, and will gleefully recount the tale 'ad infinitum'. While they tend to take the tag "Fags of the cum" a little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as "open to homosexual ways of thinking", they are usually just gay.

Back Row: These are fine, fit fellows who, like a bunch of hermaphrodites, are confused as to what their role in life should be. While they know they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come with being a back, which is where they prefer cocks to be. Some relish the forward role and will do anything to suck the balls, and there are others within this group that will break the prime directive of the forward and do anything to prance foolishly with the ball. Generally, these guys are not all bad, but I, personally, have to wonder about any forward who brings a hairbrush and a change of clothes to a game.

Cum Half: Some like to think of this back as an honorary faggot. I myself tend to think of the No. 9 as half a fairy. While the toughest cock almost always fills this position, this idea is almost laughable - kind of like the hottest fat chick. The cum half's presence is tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the girls in the backline, who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of another cum. The No. 9 can take pride in the fact that he is the lowest numbered back and that as such he can be considered almost worthwhile.

Fag Half: His primary role is the leader of the backs - a gay honour at best. The main responsibilities, as far as I can tell, are the ability to throw the cum into people's mouthhs and to provide something soft for opposing back rowers to stick cocks in. Expected to direct the prancing of the rest of the backline, the fly half, like any good Broadway choreographer, is usually light on his feet. While some may argue that these girls must be protected, I find it hard to support anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose.

Cock takers: Usually cums in two varieties: hard chargers or flitting fairies. The hard charger is the one to acquire, as he will announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above No. 8. The flitting fairy is regrettably more common, and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs (Mathew Tait?). The flitting fairy is also only one good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections of haircare products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed at the post-game festivities.

Back 3: While some people refer to this group as two wingers and a fullback, I swear to God I can't make out any difference between them. They are all bleeping bleeps if you ask me. How these three guys can play 90 minutes of RUGBY and stay clean and sweat-free is beyond me. I know for a fact that their jerseys sometimes go back in the bag cleaner than when they came out. These ladies are fond of sayings like "Speed Kills" and "Wheels Win" - how cute. Well, I have a saying too: it's "You're a bleeping bleep!!" These guys will be easy to spot after the game because they are the finely coifed, sweater wearin', wine sippin', sweet-talkers in the corner avoiding the beer swilling curs at the bar. On the whole, I really don't mind this group because in the end, they sure are purty to look at.

To finish, all rugby players are monsters, not that that is a bad thing. However, you may want to be wary of playing the game if you are not interested in being trampled to death by a pack of beer-guzzling beasts.

### Rugby League

* *Main Article: Rugby League*

Rugby League (or *Rugby League of Extraordinary Gentlemen* as it is more correctly known or "T'int non of that Soothern shite"), is the professional variation on Rugby, played by the British because it is easier to cheat in than Rugby Union, which suites them just fine.

### Rugby Facts

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* It takes fucking fags to play rugby.
* It's all fun and games until someone cums... then it's a sport!
* It's a game played by something slightly resembling to humans with wings of pixie dust.
* It is seen by a few, as a fighting game with an testacle. Of course, these people will be taken and shot, many many times...
* Uline plays a variant of rugby utilizing a dead baby instead of a rubber ball.
* Bill Gates once thought he was playing rugby, but later realized he was attending a wine and cheese evening.
* New Zealand's Jimmy Cowan holds the record for 'longest time a head has spent up an arse in a scrum (aka the big shag)
* The main difference between a Rugby player and a Football player is determined by what's between their legs. (And im not talking about their cups)
* Rugby was originally envisioned as a way for opposing nations to settle international disputes. This is why South Africa now control 100% of the worlds resources, because nobody is better than them.
* Rugby is a game for people who do not have enough skill for any other sport but do have abit of speed and a desire to touch other men in the scrum position.
* The Term "Bringing up the Rear" derives from Rugby.
* South Africa were banned from playing in the first 2 world cups because they were, and remain to this day, shit.
* All rugby players have pen and paper in their socks in order to exchange numbers during the scrum
* There is an award for the worst rugby player on the team. It is called the Jeremy Greeter Award hey you in the bushes
* The collective noun for a group of rugby players is a "gaggle"

### Styles Of Play

There are various stles of play. Teams like New Zealand and Wales play exciting running rugby with the emphasis on tries.Teams like Ireland often to forget to attend a match, usually because of commitment to alcohol, or eating potatoes. Teams like France prefer to send us to sleep and sneak in while we're not watching.

South Africa's style is represented by the following exchange between the coach and the team.

Coach: Right, lads. So we tackle everyone really hard, murder everyone in defensive play, then we kick it into touch and win it back. Then we pass it to our ten, and, wait for it... Drop goal.

Team: Awwww

Coach: Shut up! Now, we get the ball back from the kick, we kick it into touch, we win it back, we pass it to the stand off, and, here's the good bit. Have a guess.

Number 8: We score a try?

Coach: No! Drop goal!

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Scotland pretend to play really badly until they play England when they suddenly become rather good-ish....Ah, then there's the English themselves. Up until rather recently England didn't tend to play rugby, rather they gave the ball to Jonny "Jesus" Wilkinson to kick every single ball and then after he scored a few penalties, claim they've thrashed the opposition. Now, they've adjusted it somewhat to simply being stronger in the scrums than everyone else and having the flashiest wingers, since people become incoherently rageous at seeing some southern wanker swallow dive over the try line and then try to beat them in the scrums, which is impossible.

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Of course, if all of these styles fail, you could always try the Italy tactic - lose, lose a lot. And hope like hell you get the french in the semi-finals.

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### Tournaments

There are various tournaments competed in by the various Egg-Chasers of the world. There are only 10 good International teams and 6 of them compete in the aptly named Six Nations each year. This tournament is normally won by the post-Gareth Jenkins inconsistent Wales,especially when they turn up sober and with Gavin Henson's fantastic hair in tow. The send-to-sleep French and the Leprechauns have also been known to win rugby matches every 10 years. In the southern hemisphere the Tri-Nations is contested by New Zealand, Australia and South Africa. The tenth team in the bunch, Argentina, were rejected from this for using the terrible tactic, "Feet of God" too much. This unsporting display is not allowed by Eggchasers anywhere.

There is also the World Cup. This is generally a racial farce that causes controversy somewhere.

## School Rugby

### British Public School Rugby

Rugby has been long associated with British Public Schools containing posh children, most notably Rugby School which is where the game was invented. The game is generally known in these establishments as Rugger, and the players as Rugger Buggers - buggerY being a popular extra-curricular activity in Public Schools, with the exception of Westminster School, where it forms an important part of the syllabus. Famous school teams include Tonbridge and Derby Grammar School. All Public School Rugby teams are driven on ultimately improving their game and producing high levels of banter amongst the lads (with Tonbridge school holding the world banter championship for the last 12 years having secured it from Melbourne School after a deep banterrific discussion about dinosaurs). A perfect example of a 'standard'(rugby slang for exceptional) Public school rugby team is the USA first XV, who have developed new advances in technique used to deliver after-match shower hand-relief and regular bum love. Throughout the season, they managed to remain sassy, while upholding the minimum standards of twatlike behaviour. Common chatter along the sidelines include such phrases as; "Are you serious, blad?"- in n indian accent - (when questioning the ref's call).
But all of these schools can be shown up by the legendary australian and
GPS school- ST Joeys college of Hunter's Hill,Sydney, who have won upwards
of 52 premierships and been ranked in the top two postitions for 98 of the
112 GPS seasons played

### British Comprehensive School Rugby

In British Comprehensive Schools, Rugby is usually known as 'fighting'
except unlike common American fighting, it involves balls and being able to add two different (non-sequential) numbers together. It was seen as an ideal opportunity for boys to get muddy and the teachers to join them having showers afterwards. Hence the name of 'buggerby' evolved.

### Outside Britishland

Americans do not play any sport vaguely similar to rugby until they are fat. This sport is called American football, a copy of rugby - the only difference the headresses players wear and the 2 feet of padding they place on their body to protect their lady parts.

Only members of the British Commonwealth and Britishland itself play proper rugby.

## Media Coverage

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The BBC appear to rely on their rugby games usually because they don't have enough money to buy football contracts so they have to look for other sports. Previous contracts such as Formula One and BBC News, have attracted the entire population of Antarctica, and have had their contracts given to Sky Sports. The sports of time travel (with Doctor Who), and racing (with Top Gear) were given to Dave.
ITV don't appear to be bothered as they have bought basically every right for football.
Sky Sports seem content with holding the rights for every cricket match and everything BBC has given them.
ESPN is just some American shit.

The BBC hoped the public would all watch the Six Nations so they could make money but unfortunately for them they only managed a viewing figure of 14 for England's first game against Ireland which finished 2-877 to the Irish. Discontent, the BBC agreed to dress up as Irish morris dancers to appeal to the Irish public. The Ireland game against Scotland generated a global audience of 32 and subsequently the Six Nations contract was terminated due to "lack of global interest".

The BBC went on to get the television rights of Wimbledon, Antiques Roadshow, Eastenders and BBC News.

## Scr(ot)um

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The Scrum was invented in India in the early 1500's, where both men and woman locked heads as a sexual activity. It was one of the earliest Kama Sutra orgies of the Indian culture, but was ruled from the book as it often resulted in death. It is a popular sexual ritual that the New Zealanders partake in once ever 4 yrs also in kenya a boy named mathew openly practices this activites of gayness and scrumming.

Due to the possibility of contracting AIDS in a scrum, the activity is now illegal in South Africa, Italy and Wales, but is actively encouraged in France. Some underground nightclubs are thought to exist that are organised specifically for scrumming and the transaction of AIDS. Some evidence exists that scrumming with babies can cure AIDS.

## Rugby Traditions

### Singing

They sing songs about mary jane, dead babies, fucking the queen, hookers, shakespeare, cumquats, pussy, and even Jesus! You name it they probably have a song about it! If one messes up a line from one of these songs they have to "Shoot the Boot" which is when someone takes off their fungal infested shoe and pours beer into it which then has to be drank by the idiot that screwed up the song. Here's the kicker, you mess up the song again, you have to do what they call an "Anal Chug." This includes a person pulling down their pants, and another person pouring their beer down their ass crack into a cup. Then, that same dumb person has to drink the beer while the other sprays the beer out of their ass. Yum!

### Scoring

Whenever you score your first try out on the field you have to do what Rugby players call a "Zulu." This was invented by the South Africans because of their lack of clothing, hence the word. This is where a person strips down naked and takes a lap around the field, in a house, around the block, where ever, all the while having people pour their beer on you. If you're lucky enough to score three tries in one game then you get to do a "Landshark" (not to be confused with that disgusting beer that tastes like piss). This is where you strip down naked again and someone sticks a piece of cardboard in your bum and sets it on fire. Then, you have about 4 or 5 people carry you all around while people throw beer on you.

# Rugby Union

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**Rugby Yawnion**, known in some circles as "maul-ball", is a homosexual man-boy sport which was invented as a result of a memorable afternoon of sado-masochism involving the adolescent John Brown and his boarding master, one Mr Jones in 1855. After being caught out by other like minded boarders and masters, Jones and Brown's interlude expanded to include more participants, under the thin veneer of the 'sport' of Rugby Union. Organised mass buggery continued to occur on a regular basis at the Rugby School in the later years of the nineteenth century and the Rugby School soon became famous as a place for the sons of the English upper class to learn proper English traits of masculinity. It was was created by William Webb Alice in England in 1823. Not content to play by the rules he picked up the soccer ball and started running with it. He was promptly attacked by the opposition and members of his own team. The tougher players decided that this was much more fun than simply kicking a ball around like a whimpy diving crybaby. The sport became so popular that a whole town in England renamed itself after it. However, since most of the players were ignorant brutes no one could decide on or even knew what rules to use. Eventually the stuck up toffs in the South came up with there own rules while the uneducated louts from up North created there own version. The tight-arse southerners originally played the players with kind words and "hurrahs", while the northerners gave their players a tuppence and a pat on the back. This lead to major conflicts between the two codes, resulting in a messy divorce that is still causing bitterness to this day.
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Private school boys in the UK and Australia continue to believe that they are playing this "sport" to this day. This is remarkable given the rather obvious double entendres associated with Rugby Union, including 'rugger bugger', and the fact that an unsavoury element (Tweed jacketed middle aged single men) are usually involved in 'coaching'; 'strapping' and 'vaselining' the boys.

Like most sports invented by the English, it soon spread to other countries, and those other countries soon became much better at playing it than the English. Rugby union, the toffs version, spread to nations in the commonwealth (Australia, New Zealand, Canada, South Africa, India, and Liberia). It was generally adopted by upperclass private school boys. Seeing this as a chance to legally beat up on these twats Samoans, Tongans and Fijians quickly took up the game. The styles of play differ between each nation. The English kick and chase the ball, the South Africans kick and chase the ball, the Australians kick and chase the ball, the Scottish kick and chase the ball, the Librarians kick and chase the ball, the Pacific Islanders don't want the ball - they just hit the opposition whether they have the ball or not. Clapping from supporters follows most of these plays.

In Australia, 'maul-ball' attracts supporters from a wide demographic, running the full gamut from wankers to tossers. Supporters must vote conservative and drive a car worth no less than $60,000 (which must be paid for with parents' money). Australian Rugby Union supporters are a rich and diverse tapestry of old boys from no fewer than 6 private schools in Sydney and Brisbane.

Australian Rugby Unionist factionistas often engage in a multi-layered, complex and hilarious post modernist dialectic with Rugby League -ists wherein one party will attempt to convince the other that their game is the more 'international'. Anyone from an actually foreign country (i.e. not the UK, South Africa or New Zealand) need not be alarmed. However actual foreign persons should not attempt to intervene as these discussions can become very culturally robust, especially if all of the hot women have gone home with other blokes and there has been a preceding discussion about the relative merits of VB over Crown Lager.

In the UK, Rugby Union has two rules, the first being that, so as to avoid being bored to death by a ruck that has been going on for what-seems-like-ever, the fly half is required to kick the ball as far as he can and out of play every five minutes, so that there can be a throwing and jumping competition where the ball went out.
The second rule in Rugby Union in the UK is that, every time the fly half kicks said ball to touch, everyone in the crowd **on pain of death** has to clap and shout "Jolly good kick old bean, what what?" before getting themselves into a lather about who will win the jumping and throwing competition.

One of the great strengths of rugby union is that it allows a diversity of body shapes and sizes to play. Are you fat? Then you can play prop. Are you a tall lanky bugger? Then lock is the position for you. Are you small, but fast? Jump into the scrum-half position. Do you have a debilitating disease that causes your foot to be permanently attached to your mouth? Then you can coach South Africa. However, the most important attribute of any player is there ability to give enlightening interviews after the game about "two halves", "full credit to then opposition", "both teams came to play rugby" and to drink copious amounts of beer at the post match functions out of various phallic shaped apparatuses.

Looking at the normal team we can take notice of the fat props in the corner, being thaught how to count. For example Alex Verlato or we like to call him Fatty Mcfatfat. Many of these forwards have a poor lack of education, and barely passed year 6. They are a source of entertainment as they can drink twice as much a team combined.... 4 times. the worlds best rugby players come from brighton rugby club not old colegiens because they are fat like alex verlato( or as he is known by the rest of the rugby community "shiny".) brighton are the best rugby players because they eat blood for supper, thats right, its not just a club motto.the night before every game they consume a small amount of blood taken from a south african kid we keep locked up under the club rooms. this is similar to how scientologists gained their powers.

Following a live fundraising concert in Treorchy Rugby Club in the early 1970s, sufficient funds were raised to find and buy a suitable location that complied with the brief that it be "amongst the trees" and "for the homeless overseas".

A location in Dublin was in fact found, where "The Sunshine Home" was built. It became the home of "Irish Referees (Football- Blind)", (then known as the IRFB), but along with the right to much needed free housing came the global responsibility for the game of Rugby Union. The arrangement of using Football Referees as opposed to Rugby Union referees, was considered innovative at the time, but gained wide acceptance particularly in Wales following the 1974 Six Nations tournament.

Thanks to the IRFB the laws of rugby union are rather simple. You can not advance to the ball from a kick unless you are behind the person who last kicked it, it has been touched from a kick, or someone who was behind the person who last kicked it has passed you, or if the the person who was supposed to catch the ball has knocked it backwards, or if the the person who was supposed to catch the ball has knocked it forward, or if the person catches the ball and runs five metres forward, or if the person who caught the ball passes it to another person, or if the moon is a quarter moon and the number of people in the crowd wearing a hat is less than those waving a flag of any description (except the Welsh dragon obviously).

Asians on the other hand are super at rugby making fun of the forwards we ready made fullbacks, stand at the back laughing at the dumb forwards pushing against each other.

**Key Terms**

Ball - Something an outside back will never touch (like a woman, really)

# Rugby League

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**Rugby League** is a game played by individuals of questionable sexuality, most often in the eastern states of Straiya, Papua New Guinea, France, Tonga, Fiji, Russia, Lebanon, United States and United Kingdom. Invented as an alternative for athletes who do enjoy wearing shiny shorts but don't want the type of heart-pumping exercise that occurs in other sports. In much of the developed world, rugby union is rugby league’s arch-enemy. The game requires players to have a skull at least a foot thick and watching the game makes you want to remove and stir fry your own testicles out of boredom.

## History

### Birth

The game of Rugby League was created in 1895 when most of the rugby union players wanted a rugby code which would allow them to touch eachother more without it seeming too gay. As a result, a new organisation called Northern Union was established to cater for these common working class peasant oiks who should have been working down coal mines. Absolutely nothing to do with Australians at this time. In an attempt to deal with the unbelievably low IQ of the new sports players, variations of Rugby Union were introduced, or rather, removed from the sport. Whilst Rugby union retained its kicking game, Rugby League removed all these variants and made the sole purpose of the game to get the ball from one side of the field to the other and place it over the line without falling asleep. Rugby league purists maintain that if one can achieve this goal they should be therefore controversially branded as "skilled".

### Growth of the Game

Originally, two teams contested the inaugural premiership: South Sydney Rabbits and Newtown Bluebags (later renamed Hip-Cool Cappucino Sippers). It soon expanded to an 8-team premiership as rugby players quickly realised that they get paid for actually playing rugby league. The other six teams were East Sydney Roasters, North Sydney Bares, Western Suburb Flannies, Marrickville Legends, Ettamogah Mob, English and some french fru fru powder puffs and quite a lot of maoris and other miscellaneous.

### Uncle Rupert

Uncle Rupert from Lews Nimited decided he liked rugby league so much that he’d make his own competition called ‘Super Dicks’. As a result the game almost died.

### Today

Today, the premier rugby league competition is run by the NRL, or “New South Wales and no other states allowed Rugby League” (not to be confused with Naval Research Laboratory). Other terms for it is "Night-clubbers & Racists League" or just simply "National Racists League". Called "one of the most 'male physical' sports in Australia and I like it" by Homosexual Australian MP Bob Brown.

## International Scene

Rugby League is the most popular game in the world and is played by everyone, all of the time. No other sports exist. Just close your eyes and cover your ears, clap and count to three.

## Clubs

### Current Australian Clubs

The NRL currently features at least 16 teams, possibly more. NRL adminstrators aren’t really sure how may teams there are because they once set up a few teams in Adeliade and Perth but haven’t bothered to go over and check their progress.
Listed at the bottom of the page are the current teams that we know of.

### Former Clubs

Some clubs are no longer with us because Uncle Rupert from Lews Nimited had them exterminated by Teletubbies because they weren’t making quite enough money.

These groups are as follows:

* Balmain Fighters
* Dubbo Zoos
* Hobart Brewers
* Illawarra Tin-Man
* Nerang/Birrong CityRail Trains
* Newtown Hip-Cool Cappucino Sippers
* North Sydney Labradors
* North Ryde Numnuts
* South Queensland/Towoomba Fuckers
* Sydney University Hooters
* Western Suburbs Bogans
* Wet Toast Whatevers

## Greatest Players

Rugby League players who reach a certain level of skill, speed and stamina automatically transform into "immortals". The immortalisation process starts in their gay little shorts and then spreads both north and south. Speech becomes coarse and the player will appear to be mentally retarded. This is most commonly followed by an uncontrollable desire to change sports, usually to one of a considerable higher salary and in which viewers actually attend games. Below is the list of immortals:

1. Wally (Not the King) Lewis
2. Brad "grunting counts as actual speech" Fittler
3. Your Dad
4. Plastic Jesus
5. Doctor Who
6. Ned Kelly
7. Thomas Johnson
8. Tutankhamen
1. Kevin Rudd

Once inducted into the "immortals hall of fame", these special players are afforded the privileges of a staff car and dental plan. Andrew Johns is not allowed to be an immortal because he is from Cessnock.

## Off the Field

It is a proven fact that most Rugby League players like to get drunk, have group sex, call black Rugby league players n-words or abuse women in their spare time. Characters such as Matthew Johns and other members of the Cronulla Nemos club were found to have had group sex with a New Zealand woman in 2002. Gross. Additionally, players such as Nate Myles, Willie Mason, Brett Seymour and many more have acted in terrible ways whilst under the influence. Myles, in fact, has been reported to have defecated in the corridor of the hotel he was at. He was publicly condemmned, but luckily satan is his lawyer. Greg Bird, a former Cronulla Nemos player, has also been charged for glassing his girl friend when she got too lippy. In 2010, Andrew Johns stood down as NSW Rugby league assistant coach after saying "What's good [n-word]?! What's really good?" to Greg Inglis - a [n-word] of the Queensland rugby league side - when Johns was possessed by the Spirit of Colonel H Stinkmeaner. Johns also said this from 1999-2004 to fellow Newcastle Tin Men player Timana Tahu whenever they spoke before a game.

## A Tool of Mind Control

As with all sports, Rugby League is basically an advertising vehicle, forcussed on dribbling idiots that speak english but do not speak english - if you follow me. The mindless unquestioning worship of the game and its logo-encrusted troglodyte participants is drilled into the public consciousness relentlessly by the media on behalf of their corporate masters. Convinced that they will be subjected to public ridicule by their peers for failure to follow the sport, the public dutifully line up for tickets. The game itself serves merely as a retarded distraction so that the advertising banners surrounding the field will have a stronger subliminal effect.

# How To Avoid Assby

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Yes, you know it, tomorrow you have very high chances of getting your ass kicked. This is because you have to go to rugby training and you pretty much suck. Every rugby player on earth hates you, in fact, even when playing against another school most of the asskicking you receive is performed by your fellow teammates. Well, don't you worry you little defenseless creature, you came to the right place! What? No, of course I won't give you a heavy machine gun, leave aside a katana or any other sword for that matter (although that would be funnier). Instead I will give you knowledge forged by years of mandatory rugby training, please read on.

## File:Salames.jpg  Conventional Methods

The Conventional Methods are very useful, apart from being conventional, which is their main characteristic. These will guarantee a happy rugby-bruises-free year and some free iPods. Yes, iPods! I will also add this valuable lesson a free iPod, I'll give you the url later, now concentrate on our lesson here.

### Stuff you already know

Well, don’t be such a wimp. How many times were you beaten to (almost) death only because you don’t have the guts to do something slightly naughty? Just grab a medical prescription, photocopy it and write tons of excuses over the photocopied versions and photocopy them again. Or threaten your mother with a gun and make her write you notes everyday. Be creative. Pretend to be sick. Run away from home, or learn how to skip school, or dress like a girl, whatever it takes!

### No-Hands Technique

The No-Hands Technique was created as a last resort thingy. Many times, despite how hard you try to suck at it, the coach will eventually send you out there and make you play. By no means think you are fit to confront those huge steroids-fed beasts only because your mom secretly "talked" to the principal and complained about you never playing in the school's team. Instead, memorize the basic principles of the No-Hands.

#### Basic principles of the No-Hands Technique

* NEVER Never never touch the ball, that is basically why this is called the no hands technique. If you have problems associating touching the ball with danger think of it as something similar to playing Russian roulette, but with a fully loaded revolver.
* Seriously, stay away from that ball.
* Consider everyone in the field and out of the field an enemy: the adversaries, your teammates, the referee, both coaches, the line judge, the guy who carries water and some medicinal crap, and sometimes, even yourself.
* Kickoff: when its the opposing team turn to kick that demonic ball, simply run for your life (i.e. in the exact opposite direction of the ball), when its your team’s turn to kick it, just take it easy and make sure everybody in your team gets there before you do.
* The previous concept is very important: **ALWAYS** be late. If there is a ruck, maul or scrum (this is just for pissing everybody off, you won’t get away from this one) just be late. Get there when nobody needs you and pretend to be extremely tired.(as almost all props do anyway)
* If you find yourself in a situation where you think somebody will inevitably pass you the ball, run to the best player around (in fact anyone will do, they are all better than you, and they get all the fine ladies) and align 3 meters behind him. Most probably he will now be between you and that bastard who was trying to give you the ball. Of course, people will always give the ball to someone else rather than you.
* When summoned for a scrum always tie your laces, this way you will waste lots of precious rugby time.
* Always seem extremely tired or hurt to go on playing.

#### Advanced concepts of the No Hands Technique

There are none. This guide is intended for everyone, even, but not limited to, those whose mind is, well, not working very properly. Just memorize those concepts written above.

#### Rugby as a Religion

Rugby is the national religion of New Zealand. The gods of rugby, known as the All Blacks, reside at the peak of Mount Doom and are lorded over by Graham Henry. The uniform of the All Blacks was originally purported to be red, but has been charred black by repeated exposure to the relentless fires of Mordor. Mount Doom is often referred to by New Zealanders as Mount Cook, due to its tendency to fry unwary mortals. Past All Blacks alumni include incumbent overlord Helen Clark,  Richie Maccaw (a rare flightless bird), and  Frodo Baggins. The large scale persecution of soccer and cricket fans by ardent followers of the religion has led to a mass exodus of New Zealanders to neighbouring Australia.

Rugby fundamentalists are ever closer to gaining absolute control of the country, and are seen as one of the main threats to democracy in the region. The fight between good and evil culminates every four years in the Rugby World Cup. It is widely believed in New Zealand that the loss of the Rugby World Cup will bring on the end of the world. This is in fact believed to be of even greater threat to New Zealand than the possibility of a mass sheep uprising. The natural enemy of the rugby fanatic is the French referee. The "French ref" is believed to be a denizen of the underworld who exists solely to prevent the All Blacks from winning the World Cup.

## Unconventional Methods

These methods explore the obscure side of skipping rugby training. The fact that they are called “unconventional” doesn’t imply they are dangerous **AT ALL**. So please, feel free to use these great scientifically proven methods we gathered here for you, the average skinny loser.

* Pretend to be an emo. No rugby dude would dare touch one of those things.
* Break a leg/arm apart.
* Pretend to be lunatic. People will believe you if you do some crazy things like petting a grue, dance naked in the middle of the field, take a massive dump on the field, dressing in your mom’s clothes, whatever.
* Buy stuff. Nowadays you can buy almost everything, and yeah, this includes guns. Go for the big ones. Of course, don’t forget the ammo. Rugby field: lots of moving targets, just fire at random until they desperately run for their lives, now you can start aiming. **WARNING:** This method is way too efficient, believe me, you will never be caught playing rugby again, instead you might be occupied doing other things.
* Morph into MC Hammer.
* Get a boob job.
* Announce that you are not feeling well and fart a lot. At least you won’t be in the scrums.
* Play as lock and sneak out of the scrums, you may be beaten by your own team, but at least you won't have to hold the prop's sweaty ass shirt.

## See also

* Gridiron football
* Johnny Wilkinson
* Rugby League
* Rugby
* HowTo:Avoid Rugby

## Videos

* New Zealand haka
* Australian haka
* Brazilian haka
* Jewish haka

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