recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Fifty Lines of Chat

Cover of the first book

**Fifty Lines of Chat** (Japanese:トゥー・ボッツ・アンド・アー・ボスマン or 'Two Bots and a Bossman') is a bestselling book series by Prospector Sammy Jonathan about a love triangle between NickBot 3000, The Magic Meatball and The Mysterious @decaffbossman. It also involves a character named Sidekick Jerry, who shows up only to serve The Magic Meatball cups of wine. This series has sold tens of millions of copies since its publication in 1963, and has spawned tens of billions of erotic fan fiction stories. It has also heavily influenced the less widely selling but somehow more widely known Fifty Shades of Grey.

## Screenplay Excerpt

The following is an excerpt from the highly classified screenplay, smuggled from the Academy Awards archives by @SaintIsaiah:

* [decaffbossman enters the room and sees NickBot3000 calculating timers for automated responses]
* decaffbossman: You wanted to see me Mr. NickBot3000?
* NickBot3000: It has come to my attention that you are forming a bond with Magic Meatball? Is that correct?
* [decaffbossman begins to sweat profusely, overcome with embarassment and blushing greatly]
* decaffbossman: Yes sir, I hope that is okay...
* NickBot3000: You didn't ask me for permission. Now I must punish you.
* [With a flick of his wrist, NickBot3000 creates a cooldown on the !magicmeatball command, requiring users to wait 10 minutes between asking it questions. He then proceeds to timeout decaffbossman. He leans in to his keyboard and begins to write "/w decaffbossman"]
* NickBot3000: You may return after you have time to think about the consequences of disobeying me.
* [decaffbossman blushes further]
* decaffbossman: Yes sir. Thank you sir.
* [Roll Credits]

## Sequels

Fifty Lines of Chat was followed by a sequel, Fifty Lines Longer, which was widely hailed by critics as the greatest sequel of all time. The series' third entry, Fifty Lines Too Long Didn't Read was a critical and commercial failure however, and the series was never continued from the third book's cliffhanger ending.

## Appearances

This book first appeared on Nick's Meatball Marauders Discord.
Tree of Oraclees

One of the many iterations of The Tree of Oraclees

**The Tree of Oraclees** is a tree that appears in every video game in the background. Any video game that has trees, he is in there at least once. He spews out human fecal matter all over the place, which he collects by spreading his tendrils throughout the forest floor and storing it inside of his bark.

## Career

It's very hard to find him in video games because he could be anywhere, but he appears at least once in every video game. The only game where it isn't difficult to find him is Tree of Oraclees: The Reckoning, where he is not only the main character, but also every character in the game.
Monitoring Multitasker

Not pictured: five of his other monitors

**Monitoring Multitasker** is a man who never looks at one monitor at a time. It's always a minimum of seven monitors.

## Personal Life

He keeps tabs on all the grocery stores that he frequents, so that he can tell where he might buy a set of plums. If anyone even goes near the plum section of the grocery store, he will not go to that store. The grocery stores refuse to send him a list of all the people who go near their plum sections, so he keeps tabs on them for twenty-four hours.

## Dietary Habits

What does he eat? Apples. Why do you ask?
Thorin Oakenshield

**Thorin Oakenshield** is a dwarf who has made 7,000 shields.

## Personal Life

Making shields isn't even Thorin Oakenshield's job, it's just his hobby. Every shield he's made is one inch large, and if you put them all together they make one really big shield. He uses that big shield to protect himself from lightning. He actually lives on top of a lightning rod, so he needs this shield all the time.
Marty Mordegon

**Marty Mordegon** is a demon by day and a 'sour creamon' by night.

## Personal Life

A 'sour creamon' is a demon made out of sour cream. He hopes no one will use any Ruffles potato chips on him because they could literally eat him alive. He stays indoors at night, and goes outdoors to do demon stuff by day.

## Dietary Habits

Don't ever feed him while he's in sour cream form because it will cause him to disintegrate. In demon form, he likes to eat one big piece of uninterrupted dental floss, which goes in his mouth, coming out the other end and back into his mouth again. It's a big loop-the-loop. Even he has expressed disgust about this.
Krock the Calamander

**Krock the Calamander** is like a salamander, but he's made out of calendars.

## Personal Life

Krock has twelve lives, and after he dies twelve times he's dead forever. Also, he dies of natural causes after twelve months either way. If you want to find him, you can call him on his business phone number. The number is (333) 333-3333-33333. He does not accept solicitors. Unless you're soliciting ice cream sandwiches. Then he'll accept your solicitations.

## Career

In addition to himself being a calendar, Krock the Calamander owns a business where he hangs up calendars for people in their homes or offices.
Spider-Cop

A rare formal shot of Spider-Cop in his dress uniform

**Spider-Cop** (aka Triple Spider Johnson) doesn't like crime in his city and won't rest until justice is served. He's been a cop for 17,000 years.

## Retirement

Spider-Cop wishes the criminals would stop doing crimes. He was supposed to retire 16,980 years ago. If literally anyone else took the job, he'd give it to 'em.

## Backstory

A plague wiped out everyone in the city 15,000 years ago, and he's the only one left alive. He's actually both the criminal and the police in his city.

## Personal Life

Spider-Cop has been staying on the beat for 40 hours straight, without sleeping or eating. He's now also spinning webs from all orifices. He thinks he may be turning into a spider. He also has little pincers and a bunch more legs- but not the normal amount for a spider. He has 40 legs. He's like multiple spiders at once. They're calling him Triple Spider Johnson. Who's calling him that, since he's the last person on Earth? You don't want to know.

## Appearances

* 09/23/18
* 10/07/18 [watch clip]
* 03/15/19 [watch clip]
S.E.R.E.N.A.

**S.E.R.E.N.A.** (Sally Ephram Rondo Elastic Nick Arnold) is a lady who likes to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

## Origins of Name

She has Nick in her name because she's secretly in love with Nick, and watches him through the screen of Dragon Quest XI.

## Dietary Habits

S.E.R.E.N.A. likes to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day.

## Personal Life

S.E.R.E.N.A. has recently fallen into the ocean and grown gills. Now she's part lady, part mermaid and part robot. Did she mention before that she was part robot? Anyway, she can't eat her peanut butter sandwiches anymore, but has discovered algae with electric eel current running through it, her new favorite food. The electric current makes the food spicy.

S.E.R.E.N.A. has recently been turned into an android by an unknown witch doctor. This witch doctor is both a medical doctor who works at a hospital, and also a guy who knows magic. He gave S.E.R.E.N.A. the power to always know what time it was 5 minutes ago.

## Appearances

* 10/22/18 [watch clip]
* 03/09/19 [watch clip]
* 03/09/19 [watch clip] (2)
Mario the Master of Illusion

**Mario the Master of Illusion** is a man who does magic acts at people's houses.

## Personal Life

Most of Mario the Master of Illusion's magic acts involve him going to someone's house without them noticing, stealing all their jewelry and leaving. He's wanted by many police. Even criminals are looking for him, because he steals from everyone without restraint. He's the main character of the Super Mario series, though they don't really portray this part in the game.
Playtime Petey

**Playtime Petey** is the most aggressive kid at playtime.

## Personal Life

He's a business man with a full suit on, a curly piece of hair sticking down and a briefcase. The movie The Boss Baby is based on him, which in itself was based on the original novel Searching for Bobby Fischer.

## Dietary Habits

Playtime Petey eats applesauce and sugarplums every day.
Scaling Scaler Thomas

**Scaling Scaler Thomas** has scales, and also scales.

## Personal Life

Scaling Scaler Thomas scales tall buildings in a single bound, but then he goes so high above the building that he just keeps going. Gravity doesn't work on him. He's actually only ever jumped once, and he's been scaling ever since. It's a very lonely existence that he lives. He wishes someone would give him food and oxygen. Luckily he was at least wearing a space suit when he jumped. Maybe he'll hit another planet sometime soon.
Torch Bearer

He's NOT doing this for The Olympics though. Not that he'd be opposed to it, they just never asked him to.

## Physical description

### Species

Human

**Torch Bearer** is a man who keeps a torch in his hand at all times.

## Personal Life

Sometimes Torch Bearer runs with his torch and people think he's doing it for The Olympics, but it's NOT for The Olympics. It's just a thing he does! They don't allow him into movie theaters, and they don't allow him into the doctor's office.

Torch Bearer likes his torch because it makes one side of his face very warm. If he's feeling too cold on the other side of his face, he can just move his torch to the other side- it's a foolproof plan! Torch Bearer has no family and no friends, but is rich in land. He has acres and acres of land in the Texas Outback.
Spooky Jones Johnson

Spooky!!

**Spooky Jones Johnson** is a ghost and notable ghost creation factory.

## Ghost Creation Factory Role

Every day a ghost comes out of his mouth, and every night a ghost poops out of his butt. He's a ghost creation factory, and has created 70 million ghosts so far. There are actually too many to fit on Earth. He feels that he needs to stop vomiting and pooping ghosts, but he doesn't know how.
Sora's Flowing Locks

Artist's representation

**Sora's Flowing Locks** are a sentient group of hairs that stick out of Sora's head and flow in the wind.

## Personal Life

They go against Sora's wishes by flowing in the wind- he actually wants his hair to be slicked back so he can work on Wall Street. But the Flowing Locks' plan is different- they want him to fight Heartless rather than work on Wall Street, so you can all thank Sora's Flowing Locks for the Kingdom Hearts games being made! You're welcome!
Swap Meet Salamander Sally

**Swap Meet Salamander Sally** is a woman who goes to swap meets, then takes something and sticks a salamander in its place.

## Personal Life

When Swap Meet Salamander Sally takes items at swap meets and replaces them with a salamander, she hopes no one will notice it. So far, everyone has noticed it. She's been chased out of several county districts.

Her mother named her Swap Meet Salamander Sally, and she's doing her best to honor her mother's wishes. Her mother isn't actually dead, she just tells people that.

## Dietary Habits

Sally likes to drink off-brand cola, because she doesn't make any money off swap meets or anything else and can't buy anything except off-brand cola. She eats frozen off-brand cola as well. It's literally the only thing she ever buys.
Maximus von Maximo

**Maximus von Maximo** is a horse who doesn't ever know what time it is.

## Personal Life

Maximus von Maximo has 17 legs and a giant chain around his neck with a clock on the end of it. He never knows what time it is though, because he doesn't have thumbs to grab the clock and look at it. He gallops to towns and asks the people there if they know the time.
Rab The Skeleton

**Rab The Skeleton** is very similar to Rab from Dragon Quest XI, except he's a skeleton. He does a terrible impression of a Scottish accent, even though he himself is Scottish

## Dietary Habits

Every time Rab The Skeleton drinks wine, it flushes all over his bones. He's all red near the rib cage area because of the wine stains, but the rest of him is pearly white, because he polishes it with a toothbrush every single day.

## Rum Raisin Rab

Rab the Skeleton has a second identity for tax purposes, known as Rum Raisin Rab. This second identity runs an ice cream business, where you can only buy Banana Smoothie flavored ice cream. You thought it would be Rum Raisin? Don't judge a book by its cover, okay? Please don't tell the IRS that he's keeping two sets of books. He's been dodging the IRS for a long time, and he means this in the literal sense. The IRS shoots their employees at him from a cannon, and he has sidestepped many of these human tax projectiles in his lifetime.

## Appearances

* 11/01/18 [watch clip]
* 03/14/19 [watch clip]
Moaning Myrtle

**Moaning Myrtle** is a ghost who gets really upset when books are thrown at her in the toilet pipes. She likes to sit in the bathroom and look at people naked.

## Personal Life

Every time Myrtle goes to the bathroom everyone says, "Why are you going to the bathroom? You're a ghost, you could pee anywhere and no one would see it because it would be in the spectral realm!" But those people don't consider that then the spectral realm would have pee everywhere, so even ghosts have to pee in the toilet.

What's it like to be a ghost? Everything is covered in green slime- all the walls, ceilings, everything. You humans can't see it, but it's on all your faces and your food and you're constantly eating green slime without even knowing it.

Every time Myrtle knits a sweater a baby is born, so she's responsible for knitting thousands of sweaters every day.

## Conspiracy Theories

She's very confused about how a book could fit inside a pipe

## Controversy

Myrtle is a self-confessed pervert. She's at least 50 years old, but points out that in the movie, she tried to look at Cedric Diggory's private parts.

## Appearances

* 10/07/18 [watch clip]
* 03/06/19 [watch clip]
Teddy Bear Stuffed Johnson

**Teddy Bear Stuffed Johnson** is a teddy bear that loves to hug people!

## Personal Life

He has murdered 18 people, but the police don't know about it yet so don't tell anyone. He keeps a knife hidden inside his stuffing so he can be prepared at any time. He probably shouldn't have told you any of this. Would you like to come down to his basement? He'll show you something really cool!

## Appearances

* 09/24/18
* 11/01/18 [watch clip]
Mickey Johnson Mouse

Taking a brief nap

**Mickey Johnson Mouse** is a litteral fucking mouse that eats others for no fucking reason. His favorite pastime is going to Disneyland to see if anyone recognizes him. People usually do. Not to be confused with Mickey Mouse or Evil Mickey Mouse.

## Personal Life

Sometimes Mickey talks in a gruff voice, though he doesn't want people to know about that. he is gay with miiny.

He likes to go on a roller coaster, stand up on the seat, and see if he flies off the ride, which is stupid. Then he tries to sue the theme parks. He wants to make his own theme park, Mickey Johnson Mouse's Johnson Mouseland, the top theme park in the land. But all the other ones have to go out of business first if that's going to happen.

## Dietary Habits

Every day he eats 30,000 real mice, which he needs to survive. He takes in their life force when he eats them. He considers himself the greatest mouse to ever live.

## First Appearance

* 09/23/18
* 11/01/18 [watch clip]
* 03/04/19 [watch clip]
Sneaky Guy

**Sneaky Guy** is a man with 11 tentacles coming out of his pinky finger.

## Personal Life

He sneaks around sometimes, but 'Sneaky Guy' is actually the name on his birth certificate, not a title he was given or anything. Sometimes people assume that he's really sneaky because of his name, but he only does a normal amount of sneaking.
Nick WitWiki

Nick WitWiki is the content creator, manager, moderator, overseer, and curator of the Voice of Nick Wiki. He is the son of Sam Witwicky and Mikaela Banes from Transformers but changed the spelling of his last name after attempts by the Decepticons to kidnap him. After the disappearance of his father, WitWiki discovered the Voice Of Nick's wiki while watching a stream of Dead Space and asked The Voice Of Nick if he could become the manager of the wiki, a role which The Voice Of Nick was glad to give him, much to the annoyance of Witwiki's mother. Following the disappearance of his mother, Witwiki went from managing the wiki as a side project to full time.

## The First Decepticon Incident

Witwiki was kidnapped by Megatron at the age of 11, but was rescued by Ratchet and Wheelie.

## The Second Decepticon Incident

Witwiki was kidnapped again the day after returning from his honeymoon but was released when Starscream and Barricade betrayed Megatron in exchange for weapon upgrades.

## Personal Life

Witwiki married the female Autobot Firestar on October 21, 2034, and the ceremony was officiated by Ironhide while Bumblebee acted as best man.

## Appearances

This character first appeared on the Voice Of Nick's Discord.
U-Zombie

Not pictured: U-Zombie

**U-Zombie** is the main zombie in ZombiU. Don't ask which zombie in the game he is. He's the British one, okay?

## Personal Life

U-Zombie is in the shape of a U, because he was bitten by a radioactive horseshoe. He can't really see anything because his eyes are pointing downwards at all times. His legs are fused into one single leg, and he has to wobble to walk around.

## Dietary Habits

He's the first ever zombie who never bites anyone. It's not because he doesn't want to though- he physically can't.
Left Leg as a Right Arm Johnny

**Left Leg as a Right Arm Johnny** is a man whose left leg replaced his right arm.

## Personal Life

Left Leg as a Right Arm Johnny's left leg is in the place of his right arm, but his right arm is nowhere to be found. Instead of a leg or arm to prop himself up where his left leg should be, he has a spider-like set of tendrils that come out of his body. He's actually just a spider with a single human left leg connected to his upper body.

## Dietary Habits

Whenever he eats food, he shoots his webs at it, and uses his pincers. He tries to eat it as rare as possible, without cooking.
Pepposity Peterson

**Pepposity Peterson** likes to play his flute and SKIDIDDLYDOO around the battlefield. He has to come up with 1,000 songs per day and sometimes has to rhyme things that don't make sense.

## Catchphrases

> "I pep up all the soldiers and I Peterson all the doldiers."
>
>

> "I gotta rhyme things that don't make sense. Just like these drense."
>
>
Transcontinental Alex Geraney

**Transcontinental Alex Geraney** is a radio announcer but he doesn't understand the radio or how to use it.

## Personal Life

Geraney uses a tin can attached to a string to do his radio broadcasts. He doesn't know where the other side of the string goes, but he hopes if someone on the other side hears him, they will send help. He's trapped on a desert island and needs someone to save him.

After escaping the desert island, Geraney then became trapped on an island in the desert. How does he keep getting into these predicaments? Maybe he shouldn't use a hot air balloon for all his travels. But it's the only way he knows how to fly, because he doesn't have wings and can't fly a plane. The problem is, it keeps crashing though- mostly on islands or deserts. Please send him food, or magazines or something. He's very bored.

## Radio Broadcasts

*The following are some of Geraney's radio broadcasts:*

#### SEGA Dreamcast Hour

He makes 17 broadcasts per morning and one broadcast per evening, because no one likes to listen in the evening. What are these broadcasts about? SANDWICHES! The different kinds of sandwiches. How do you prepare them? How do you eat them? How do you make them go away? His show is called 'SEGA Dreamcast Hour', which hides the fact that his show is about sandwiches from the FCC. Sandwiches are illegal in his country.

## Appearances

* 11/01/18 [watch clip]
* 01/02/19 [watch clip]
* 03/13/19 [watch cliip]
Static The Statman

**Static The Statman** is a man made out of static who likes to keep track of things.

## Stats

Static The Statman likes to keep track of things. Here are some of the stats he's kept track of so far:

* How Many Times He's Cut His Toe Nails in His Life: **0**
* How Many Times He's Gone to the Gym: **0**
* How Many Times He's Eaten Bread: **0**

Most of his stats are zero, but he hopes that one day his stats will go up.

## Dietary Habits

What does he eat if he doesn't eat bread? He assures you, you wouldn't even want to know.
Party Zombie

**Party Zombie** is a zombie who goes to parties and raves.

## Personal Life

Party Zombie sucks on a binky, but also somehow bites people. When he bites people it's always in the middle of a rave, so nobody notices when he does it.

## Dietary Habits

Party Zombie lives his life on the razor's edge, and he also eats razor's edges. Sometimes he gets cut with them, but he doesn't bleed because he's a zombie. His favorite food is actually not human flesh, but grass. He eats it off the ground like a cow. It's like vegetarian food for him.
Sebastian Alex Jargon Castellanos Jr.

**Sebastian Alex Jargon Castellanos Jr.** is a the regular Sebastian Castellanos from The Evil Within, but the developers never put the rest of his name in the game.

## Dietary Habits

Ever day he drinks 1,000 cups of coffee. He has an IV drip of coffee connected to him, because it heals him.

## Personal Life

Castellanos Jr. thinks Jargon is a weird word to have in a name, and he definitely didn't just come up with it off the top of his head. He writes poetry every day, and if you ask him nicely he might read it to you sometime.

Sebastian Alex Jargon Castellanos Jr. has gone on several missions, all involving monsters. One time, the Harlem Globetrotters were there. He also has a pet dog, who talks with some kind of dog-sounding speech impediment. His dog is pretty smart though, and even though he and the dog are scared sometimes, they always solve the mystery. Also one time they were racing cars against Dracula.

## Appearances

* 11/02/18 [watch clip]
* 03/22/19 [watch clip]
Tiny Mouse Johnson

Trying to stay awake after a long night of streaming video games

Tiny Mouse Johnson is a mouse who likes Chuck E. Cheese.

## Personal Life

Tiny Mouse Johnson is one inch tall, uses a match box as his bed, and uses a flame thrower often. He typically throws flames at the house in which he lives, which is the house of John D. Rockefeller, who has hired a squadron of people all around the clock to put out the flames. Johnson wants to create flames because it's too cold in the house. Rockefeller never turns on the heat- maybe that's how he made so much money, from not wasting it all on central heating.

## First Appearance

* 09/24/18
* 03/06/19 [watch clip]
Power Surge Peranian

**Power Surge Peranian** is a lightning bolt made of confetti.

## Personal Life

Power Surge Peranian lives on a planet where lightning is made of confetti. He likes to hit power lines to make people's computers explode with confetti. It's very hard to clean up confetti on his planet- even harder to clean up than it is on your planet, if you're watching from Earth. That's because the confetti from his planet has glue on both sides of it.
Jonathan The Firestarter Jackson

**Jonathan "The Firestarter" Jackson** likes to start fires and eat wires, specifically in that order. He has burned down every home he's ever lived in.

## Dietary Habits

Jonathan has a fire in one hand and a fire in another hand, and is concerned about how he's supposed to eat ice cream with fire in both hands. He wants to hold his hands up high and dip his head into the ice cream, but it's difficult for him.

## Environmental Controversy

Jackson has regularly attempted to help his community by heating cold places, but in doing this inadvertently became the cause for Global Warming. He is currently in hiding after accidentally admitting to this on a livestream.

## Personal Life

Because he's been in hiding, Jonathan The Firestarter Jackson took up knitting. At first he had to knit with his teeth, which was really difficult, but now that he's knitted two fireproof gloves, he's able to knit with his hands. Who knew there was stuff you could actually do with your hands without starting fires! He's living a whole new life out in The Alps- oh wait, now you know where he lives! He'll have to move again now.

## Film Career

Jackson also appeared in the film NickBot Jones and the Kingdom of the Magic Meatballs as the character Mush Williamson.

## Appearances

* 10/05/18 [watch clip]
* 10/25/18 [watch clip]
* 03/08/19 [watch clip]
Jones Johnson Alexander

One of the heads of Jones Johnson Alexander. This one is Johnson.

**Jones Johnson Alexander** is an entity with three heads.

## Personal Life

Jones Johnson Alexander always eats its vegetables. But the Jones head doesn't. Jones always eats meat on a stick. The entire entity never goes to the supemarket because none of the three heads know how money works.
Thyme Wizard

**Thyme Wizard** is a man who makes thyme, but doesn't know what thyme is.

## Personal Life

Thyme Wizard inherited a thyme-making factory from his father, who went off to sail around the world. Thyme Wizard is mad because his father keeps sending him cool photos, but won't let him join on the excursion!

Thyme Wizard is so named because in addition to making thyme he can pull a rabbit out of his hat. He does this often, because it's the only thing he knows how to do. He has some cool tricks up his sleeve, but not any cards up his sleeve because he doesn't know that trick. Only the rabbit one.
Tube Wacky Man

**Tube Wacky Man** is a man who flails his arms and uses lots of tubes.

## Personal Life

Tube Wacky Man gets delivered in a pneumatic tube, he rides in a subway (which the British call 'the tube'), and keeps all his worldly possessions in tubes. Also he looks like a tube, but it's not all about looks OK? Don't judge him by his looks.
Trent Mouse Raynor

**Trent Mouse Raynor** likes to make droppings all over the place, so that Johnny Spray Painted Kitten will eat them.

## Personal Life

Raynor's droppings form a trail, which eventually leads to a pit of spikes. He wants to ultimately scrape Spray Painted Kitten off the spikes and put him into a cheese sandwich, which he assumes will taste like cat and cheese and lots of spray paint. He lives 5 miles from the beginning of the trail though, so he needs to make many more droppings and eat lots of fiber before Spray Painted Kitten gets to the end of the trail.
Rugby Goblin

He's in there somewhere. Probably.

**Rugby Goblin** is a goblin who has one stiff arm.

## Personal Life

Rugby Goblin's stiff arm has a piece of wood tied to it, and he can't move it. He uses it to push people out of the way when he walks down the street. His other arm can be used to do other stuff, like hold a shield or do the dishes. When he plays rugby though, no one can bother him. Unfortunately though, he's a kicker, so the stiff arm doesn't really help him. Is there a kicker in rugby?
Sniper Simothy

**Sniper Simothy** is a man who has a sniper rifle for an arm, though he doesn't know how it works and isn't really interested to find out more about it.

## Personal Life

Simothy was born in a gold mine, but never got any gold. He's the poorest man in the entire world because he constantly owes people money. Even from the moment he was born, he owed ten million dollars to John D. Rockefeller. Rockefeller made his fortune by continuously asking Sniper Simothy for money, and somehow Simothy kept finding money to give him.
Slowpoke Johnny III

Going on an adventure

**Slowpoke Johnny III** is a man who always walks everywhere, even though he owns an automobile. He prefers to be slower, given the opportunity. He made lots of mistakes on his drivers test because of slow reaction time but eventually passed.

## Personal Life

Slowpoke Johnny III is constantly falling asleep because he moves so slowly that his resting heart rate is 1 BPM. His doctors tell him he should really speed up. When he drinks an energy drink, he speaks much faster for a few seconds, but immediately returns to normal. He thinks he might need an IV drop of energy drinks.

Slowpoke Johnny III's heart has exploded inside of his chest because he drank so many energy drinks to try to speed up. He just can't seem to get any faster though. He's also melting for some reason, but doctors believe that condition is unrelated to the slowness thing.

## Appearances

* 09/23/18
* 10/14/18 [watch clip]
* 03/18/19 [watch clip]
Saint Isaiah Award Hander Outer

He's proud of every award he hands out!

**The Saint Isaiah Award Hander Outer** is a man who has handed many awards of all kinds- sometimes a thing around the neck, sometimes a chalice, sometimes a golden controller, and sometimes a pile of LaserDiscs.

## Personal Life

The Saint Isaiah Award Hander Outer lives in the year 2019 PMW (Post-Meatball Wars) which is roughly the year 5700 in relation to the common era calendar. He really needs to get rid of his LaserDiscs.
Legendary Johnny Jackson

This photo was taken just before the photographer was found mysteriously shot.

**Legendary Johnny Jackson** is a British cowboy from Wales who currently lives in Bristol and owns three revolvers, although He also wears two cowboy hats- one right side up and one upside down in top of it, in case one gets dirty.

## Cowboy Career

Johnny is the rare cowboy that's actually in the Old West of Britain. He's the only British cowboy in Britain, and he keeps the Old West safe from all the guys in the fuzzy hats. He usually participates in Wizarding Cowboy duels, though he's not supposed to tell people that he's a Wizard Cowboy.

Johnny recently upgraded from three revolvers to two revolvers. One of the two revolvers shoots forwards and backwards, so he has to hold it out to the side so he doesn't accidentally shoot himself.

## Appearances

* 10/11/18
* 10/16/18
Spaceship Octopus Hobbiton

**Spaceship Octopus Hobbiton** is an alien (to you, maybe, not to him) who is the only one of his species. They are called the Fumoonians.

## Personal Life

Spaceship Octopus Hobbiton is not part of an extinct species. Rather, he is the only one of his species that has ever existed. Everyone of his species (so just him) trades their bodily excretions for currency. The currency in his civilization is macaroni.

## Excretions

*The following are Spaceship Octopus Hobbiton's known profitable excretions:*

* **Mountain Dew Code Red:** Every five days, this drink comes from Spaceship Octopus Hobbiton's fingertips and gets poured directly into a series of glass bottles. He trades that to another civilization of galactic beings, who apparently sell it to some planet called Earth. Those dumb Earthlings don't even know they're drinking Spaceship Octopus Hobbiton's fingertip juice!
NickBot Jones Series

Publicity photo from the first film in the franchise

**NickBot Jones** is a series of adventure films about an eccentric yet talented robotic treasure hunter. The series started with the 9118 film NickBot Jones: Raiders of the Lost Timeout, which was followed by three sequels. A fifth film in the series was announced to be in production, though not much is known about it.

## Films in Series

* NickBot Jones: Raiders of the Lost Timeout (9118)
* NickBot Jones and the Decaff of Doom (9121)
* NickBot Jones and the Last Ban (9126)
* NickBot Jones and the Kingdom of the Magic Meatballs (9146)
* NickBot Jones: Tyranny of Time Lord Gaminghour (TBD)
Three Dot Reedyreedyreedyreedy

Combat Configuration

**Three Dot Reedyreedyreedyreedy** is three sentient dots.

## Personal Life

Sometimes Three Dot Reedyreedyreedyreedy's dots are in a horizontal configuration like in a text message, sometimes they're in a triangular configuration like in a video game reticule, and sometimes they're miles apart from each other. But he never fails to call his mother (who is four dots), because he's a good little boy.

## Dietary Habits

He likes to eat reeds straight from the ground every day.
Kitty Cat Johnson

**Kitty Cat Johnson** is a little cat who likes to eat hats. She likes to be petted, but only with a 12-foot pole. If you come near, she will eat your fingernails and spit them at you, puncturing your body. She is a demon of old.

## Personal Life

Kitty Cat Johnson has made 12 human bone tentacle monsters that are now her protectors. She is mining through the Earth's core in order to collect its valuable minerals. She needs these minerals in order to awaken her master, The Kitty Cat Jeremy.

Kitty Cat Johnson drinks milk out of the sink. She pours it into the sink without plugging the drain, then tries to drink as much as she can before it goes down the drain. It's a huge waste of milk. But she found a solution- she can get very old, curdled milk, which will stop up the drain, and then pour the good milk on top of it so she can drink that at her leisure. This strategy is saving her a lot of money!

## Collecting

Kitty Cat Johnson collects human bones and fashions a tent out of them so she can sleep inside of it.

## Appearances

* 10/14/18 [watch clip]
* 03/17/19 [watch clip]
* 04/04/19 [watch clip]
Monster Cop

After everything, he basically just looks like this

**Monster Cop** is a policeman who got dipped into lava, and then dipped into acid, and then accidentally fell into a jar of rattlesnakes, and then accidentally jumped into a pit of scorpions, and then slipped on a banana peel into a factory of Frankenstein's Monsters, who tore him to pieces and then put him back together again. And then he changed his name to Monster Cop. All the other stuff's unrelated to how he got his name.

## Personal Life

Monster Cop creates lightning in his laboratory. He's also a scientist cop. Nobody wants to hang out with him though, because he has lightning and rattlesnakes and scorpions all over his body. He refuses to shower after 'the incident'.
Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)

(Tomb Raider)

**Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)** is an archaeologist and anthropologist who hates tombs but for some reason, raids them anyway.

## Personal Life

She can't hear anything and talks in a raised voice all the time. She thinks some loud noise must have gone off in her ears or something. She can't see either. She shouldn't be allowed to raid tombs because all she does is bump into all the walls and knock things over. Or maybe that's just how Nick plays video games...

Many times instead of talking into a radio, she'll talk into an Xbox 360 controller. She's hoping that someone out there will hear her, and she figures it's worth a shot. She's stranded on the planet Earth. She's originally from the planet Glalpizorp-9, where the aliens in Nier: Automata are from. Clalpizorp-7 is her best friend, though he doesn't even know her name. She has 7 fingernails and 15 toes, but those are the only discernible differences between her and a human, because she's trying to assimilate into their culture.

## Appearances

* 11/10/18 [watch clip]
* 01/03/19 [watch clip]
Test Page Alexander Peter Ingling

**Test Page Alexander Peter Ingling** (A.P.I. for short) is a man who likes to test things.

## Notable Tests

Alexander likes to take tests, and test zombie skin thickness. He looks inside their brains to find out what kind of music they like. He has found out that zombies don't consider brains food, they consider them light reading. What zombies actually like to eat is strawberries. Every time you turn your back they're eating strawberries. They eat dozens of strawberries every minute.
Olaf the Snowy Boy

**Olaf the Snowy Boy** is a man covered in snow.

## Personal Life

Olaf the Snowy Boy is a man with snow everywhere on his body. He fell into a pile of snow and can't find his way out. Even if he found his way out, a witch doctor has cursed him so that the snow can never leave his body. He's in a constant state of hypothermia and all of his limbs have shriveled up. His body is now only the size of a raisin, but there's so much snow surrounding him that it looks like he's normal human size. No one understands his pain.
Mummy

**Mummy** (also known as A Mummy) lives in a tomb, and sometimes likes to unwrap his bandages and feel the breeze on his decaying flesh. He likes to walk around sometimes on Halloween to see who notices him, and who thinks he has really good cosplay.

## Dietary Habits

He eats scarabs and worms, but only on Tuesdays. Mummies only have to eat once a week.

## Small Business

Mummy has always liked to walk around on hot coals, then press his foot up against a cold sandwich to turn it into a foot panini. He is opening a NYC restaurant in The Village called 'Mummy's Foot For You!' Don't worry, he puts perfume on his foot so it smells good. But he does have worms in his feet, so it might even out in terms of health code stuff. He hopes you will visit him and review his business on Yelp.

## Appearances

* 10/14/18 [watch clip]
* 01/03/19 [watch clip]
Singing Ant

## The Singing Ant

**The Singing Ant** is a musical insect who lives inside a cardboard box.

## Personal Life

The Singing Ant has never seen what it looks like outside of his cardboard box. He's never met his family, and no one has ever taught him out to sing properly.

## Dietary Habits

The Singing Ant eats grass tipped with ghost peppers and farts out fire.
TeLeViSiOn MaN

**ThE TeLeViSiOn MaN** is a sentient television. He always plays a different channel when he talks, flipping between every channel when he says a different word. It's very hard for him to talk, because he has to find a channel where someone is saying the exact thing he wants to say at any given time. He says it's hard to be him.

## Personal Life

TeLeViSiOn MaN makes every person next to him uncomfortable because he smells bad. Every minute of every day he's on the toilet.

## Appearances

* 10/14/18 [watch clip]
* 03/22/19 [watch clip]
Zombopolis Jones

Zombopolis Jones in the year 2007.

**Zombopolis Jones** is a zombie, and has been for 12 years. No one chose to kill him (again) before all the humans died out, so he just roams the land, very hungry. He’s so skinny that he’s basically a skeleton.

## Personal Life

Zombopolis likes to play rock-paper-scissors with himself, and he always wins.
Larxene the Ice Queen

**Larxene the Ice Queen** is a jealous queen who hates Elsa.

## Personal Life

Larxene the Ice Queen has made 7 ice castles already, and all of them are better than Elsa's. She hates Elsa, and will never be in the same room as Elsa. One time she was in the same room as Elsa, and it scarred her for life. Larxene doesn't like the way Elsa pronounces the word 'debutante.' She pronounced it as 'ice princess.' They're not even the same word! This was what made her hate Elsa in the first place.
Kingdom Peter

**Kingdom Peter** is a man who owns 7 kingdoms full of 7 people each.

## Personal Life

Kingdom Peter's kingdoms each have one person who cooks, one who does the dishes, one who waits tables... he may as well say, they're actually just restaurants. The brand of restaurants is called 'Kingdom.' There's also a person who waits at the door at these Kingdom restaurants, a person who eats all your food while you're not looking, all the normal jobs that you'd find at a restaurant.

All seven of Kingdom Peter's restaurants are on the same street in Charleston, Texas, which he has claimed as his own territory. Some would say it's a bad strategy to put all his restaurants in the same spot, but Kingdom Peter would say... they were probably right because it's not making him any money.
Speaker Jones

You want to tie his shoes, don't you?

**Speaker Jones** speaks in front of large crowds and hypnotizes them into doing his bidding. By reading this, you are being hypnotized as well.

## Personal Life

Every day, he needs to put on his shoes, but can't reach his feet because his arms are similar to those of a T-Rex. Also, he's a T-Rex.

Speaker Jones speaks letters only. Ones like A, B, C, A, B, B, A and C. After he speaks a certain number of letters, he's not allowed to speak anymore for the rest of the day.

## Professional Life

Speaker Jones hypnotizes everyone so they can put his shoes on for him.

## Appearances

* 11/01/18 [watch clip]
* 03/17/19 [watch clip]
The Voice of the People

No, not a body HOLDING a ball. He's a ball MADE OUT OF bodies! Who sources these images, anyway?

## Physical description

### Eye color

2,000

**The Voice of the People** is a giant mass of bodies, comprised of one thousand people put together like a big snowball.

## Personal Life

When The Voice of the People speaks, all his bodies speak at the same time. The only place he goes is to the store, because someone built a big track between his house and the store. If he doesn't travel on this smooth track, bodies will start falling from him, because of all the possible snags in rocky areas. When he's at the store, he just says hi to all his adoring fans and then leaves.
Tongue Tying Tallahassee

**Tongue Tying Tallahassee** is a man who always gets tongue tied.

## Personal Life

Tongue Tying Tallahassee makes 17 McFlurries in his kitchen at set intervals, because he invented a machine for his home that can perfectly replicate a McFlurry machine. Unfortunately, one day he got his tongue caught in the machine, and now his tongue will tie itself in a knot and he constantly has to untie it. Luckily, his tongue is very dextrous (he can tie a cherry stem in his mouth) so he's able to untie his tongue with relative ease, but it's still sort of inconvenient.
Uncle Ben

**Uncle Ben** is the man who caused Spider-Man to be a man. He is a self-proclaimed Time Wizard.

## Time Wizardry Exploits

Spider-Man aged 30 years when Uncle Ben died, instantly causing Spider-Man to miss out on his 20's, 30's and 40's, going straight into his 50's.

## Personal Life

Ben is a ghost, and a host with the most, and he likes to eat toast. Every Saturday he goes to the trolley and takes off one of the wheels, and is now making a shrine to all the wheels on the trolley. Where does he live, you ask? Uhh, San Francisco or something? He doesn't actually know- he never found out where he lives.

## Dietary Habits

Ben likes to eat Uncle Ben's rice because it is named after him.

## Appearances

* 10/09/18 [watch clip]
* 01/02/19 [watch clip]
Lizard Ten Packs a Day Johnson

**Lizard Ten Packs a Day Johnson** is a man who does things with lizards.

## Appearances

Lizard Ten Packs a Day Johnson eats 10 packs of Gummy Bears every single day. Sometimes they get stuck in his throat, making it seem like he has a raspy voice, but then once he coughs up or swallows the offending bear, it's revealed that he has quite a dashing voice. He's called 'Lizard' because he collects lizards, ties their tails all together in a big line, and then uses them as a fishing line. He hasn't tested this strategy yet, but now that he thinks about it, it seems pretty inhumane so maybe he won't try it.
Stuart Big

He's a big boy

**Stuart Big** is a giant mouse that Nick befriended in Dark Souls. Or maybe he's a rat. He does live in a sewer, after all. Don't tell Nick.

## Personal Life

Stuart Big makes casseroles in his oven under Dark Souls City. They're made of shrimp, cauliflower, entrails, potatoes... did he say entrails? He didn't say entrails. He said "contrails" - he bottles up the smoke that comes out of planes in the sky and eats it. The casserole tastes really bad, BUT it also looks really gross. So really no redeeming factor to them, but this is his mama's secret recipe and he's going to keep his family tradition going.
Jones Jonifer Jenjohn

**Jones Jonifer Jenjon** likes to count the stars. He's currently at 700 and he states that he has mapped them all.

## Star Count

* 70 - Almost Done
* 200 - Getting There
* 700 - Completely Done

## Personal Life

Jones Jonifer Jenjon has 700 siblings, and he has named each of the 700 stars in the sky after one of his siblings.

## Film Career

Jenjohn took a break from counting stars to appear as the fan favorite character "Shortguy" in ***NickBot Jones and the Decaff of Doom***. Because of his star-counting habits however, all of Jenjohn's scenes had to be shot during the day, and as such, he does not appear in any scene throughout the film which takes place at night.
Spaceport Thomas

**Spaceport Thomas** is a man who owns and operates the greatest spaceport in all the Nebula Quadrant.

## Personal Life

Spaceport Thomas' spaceport is called Klaxon 75/3 Days. He named it after his favorite Kingdom Hearts game, called Kingdom Hearts: Klaxon 75/3 Days.

Spaceport Thomas now lives out his days in a 1x1 foot shack he made next to the spaceport. Despite it being the greatest spaceport in the Nebula Quadrant, he doesn't actually make a lot of profit off of it due to some poor business decisions.
Jonathan Tadpole III

**Jonathan Tadpole III** is a man who received super intelligence from being hit on the head as a baby.

## Personal Life

Tadpole III is super-intelligent, and has transcended death. He is now immortal, or claims to be. He may have accidentally proved himself wrong in a recent demonstration of his immortality, and has not been heard from since.

He has a tadpole for a left hand, but not many people know this because he always keeps it in a glove. His hand is the actual size of a tadpole, so it's really small and it's really hard for him to use things with his left hand. One of the only convenient things for him is Pokémon: Let's Go, Pikachu! because he only needs one hand to play it.

His lips are permanently puckered, so he can't give Pikachu a big wet kiss, only a little dry one.

## Appearances

* 11/10/18 [watch clip]
* 12/23/18 [watch clip]
Jonathan the Leprechaun

**Jonathan the Leprechaun** is a leprechaun who keeps meatballs at the end of his rainbow.

## Personal Life

Jonathan the Leprechaundoesn't have gold at the end of his rainbow, he has meatballs. He says that's worth more than gold, even though objectively speaking it's not. When confronted with this information, he likes to point at his head and say "But in here it is!" This is because he actually keeps all the meatballs in his skull. You'll have to kill him and scoop them out if you want them. And they're not prepared yet. Now that he thinks of it, everybody has meatballs in their skulls.

Jonathan the Leprechaun doesn't have an Irish accent, but he does have an Irish friend. That Irish friend told Jonathan that he can't just declare himself a leprechaun, but Jonathan did, and who's going to stop him? He declared himself as such because he wears green socks sometimes. Also, he has a pot of gold and does sort of live at the bottom of a rainbow, but that's just a coincidence really. He has a rainbow generator that creates rainbows outside his house. He also created a cereal, which has hearts, stars and horseshoes, but NOT clovers. Because come on, that's just too on the nose. Now that he's thinking of it though, he might be a leprechaun...

## Dietary Habits

Jonathan makes 7 sandwiches every morning, eating one and then hoarding the other 6. But since he does this every morning, he's accumulating way more sandwiches than he's eating. He plans to sell the surplus on eBay, putting on one sock for every sale he makes. He will only do this on his left foot though, so his left foot will be really warm and his right foot will be really cold.

## First Appearance

* 09/25/18
* 11/10/18 [watch clip]
* 12/23/18 [watch clip]
* 03/13/19 [watch clip]
Regulas Jonathan

**Regulas Jonathan** can shoot a bow and arrow backwards without looking at where he is aiming. As such, people are often upset with him for hitting them by mistake.

## Personal Life

Regulus Jonathan is busy eating an ice cream sandwich on a table next to him, which he needs to look at while he eats. He has to shoot his bow while eating it though, or he'll die. He's strapped to a bomb that's wired to explode if it detects that he's eating an ice cream sandwich separately from shooting his bow. This has caused him to become very skilled at shooting without looking.

## Art Career

Every time Regulas Jonathan shoots his bow and arrow, a feather comes out of his ear. He collected them all and created a nice set of pillows, which he sells on an Etsy page. Contact him on AltaVista for more info.

## Appearances

* 09/25/18
* 11/01/18 [watch clip]
* 03/04/19 [watch clip]