Purdey

Purdey is the third chapter in the Wombles Five. If you were looking for the character, see Charlie Gambit.

Joe tried to reason with them.  “We’re all robots” he said.  “That’s right!” the Roy Walkers said together.  “So you can let me go” added Joe.  “It’s a good answer but it’s not right!” they said this time.  Joe was desperate.  He just shoved one the Roy Walkers.  That one hit another, which hit another and another until they all fell over. Joe ran to join the others.

“To the balloon!” shouted Cathy.  They all scrambled in and set course for Grand Steed Manor.  “Holiday over!” shouted Steed.  When they arrived at Grand Steed Manor Mother was quaffing Steed’s best brandy.  “Stop that!” shouted Cathy.  She put her crown back on and kicked Mother out.  Then there was a knock at the door. “Why does everyone keep interrupting us!” shouted Cathy. But she answered anyway.

At the door was a woman with long brown hair in a cat-tailed catsuit, black New Year’s mask and a green feather boa round her waist. “Who are you?” asked Cathy suspiciously. The woman revealed a green full-body outfit. with a low dip from the neck. “Purdey.” She replied.  “What?” said Cathy. “I’ve never heard of that name and what do you want?” “I don’t know!” replied Purdey.  “I just don’t have anything to do in the whole of London!”  “Oh, alright, come in!” said Cathy.

Purdey came in. “What are you doing here?” asked Steed. “She’s got nothing to do in the whole of London,” Cathy explained. “Do you know her?” “Yes.” Replied Steed. “And I know she’s not with us anymore, but could someone please send Mrs Peel a wig?  I don’t like her being bald!”

Purdey took off her long brown hair to reveal the short blonde hair underneath. She threw it to Steed.  “Give her this next time you see her.”  “No need” said Steed.  “I’ll post it.”  He sent Joe to post the wig to SCAR, Loch Lomond, Scotland.  It was in a box with a letter.  This is what the letter said.

*Dear Mrs Peel,*

*I have been doing some checking and it turns out that your maiden name is Knight.  Your ex-husband Michael has been contacted and wants to marry you again.  The only condition is that you forget about marrying me (which I will NEVER agree to), bury Tara and Venus for us, and wear the pretty wig (please find enclosed).*

*Lots of relief*

*Steed (NOT Johnsie Wonsie)*

Private Shansi had just wobbled along the jelly brick road to huge castle of ice.  She reached the door with the Scared Crow, Liar and Tin Pan. They knocked but nobody answered. Singing could be heard very loudly from inside.

*Let it go!  Let it go!*

*Can’t hold it back anymore!*

They knocked again.  A hatch opened and a lizard poked his head out of the door.  “Can’t you read!” he said and closed the hatch.  Shansi read the sign.  It said PLEASE RING THE BELL.  So she rung the bell.  The hatch opened again.  “Can’t you read!” said the lizard again.  He paused. “Oh!  You did, didn’t you?”  “Yes!” said Shansi.  He opened the door.  “I want to see lizard” Shansi said.  “You can’t! Nobody can see the lizard!” he replied. “But we must!  I want to go home to London” said Shansi.  “I want to tell the truth” said the liar.  “I want a body!” said the Tin Pan.  “Oh alright!” said the lizard.

He showed them through to a throne room.  “I’ll just leave you to it then!” he said then ran around the room trying to hide and nipped onto the throne.  “I AM THE LIZARD OF FROST!  WHAT DO YOU WANT?” he boomed.  “You know!” said Shansi “We just told you!”  “You’re too good!  Alright it was me!” replied the lizard.  “Well?” said Shansi.  “Well what?” said the lizard.  “Will you help us?”  “OK, OK you click your heels three times, liar stop talking, Tin Pan I’ll hold you. Happy?”  The Tin Pan was happy, the liar wasn’t because the lizard had glued his mouth shut.

Shansi clicked her heels three times.  She went around and around and around then passed out.  “Velcome back!” said an unfamiliar voice.  Shansi looked around her.  She was in a glass ball and could hardly move.  “Thank you for telling me the HQ of your Vimbledon Vombles!  They vill be mine!”  Private Shansi was flabbergasted.  “I didn’t tell you anything!”  “Ah but you did!  You are in my crystal ball vhich means I read your mind!”

Shansi was confused and angry.  “What about the Lizard of Frost, the liar, Tin Pan and Scared Crow?” she asked. “Zis is all your imagination!” cackled the evil womble.  “Who are you?” asked Shansi.  “My very many apologies dear Private Shansi.  I am Herr Baron Von Vomble!”  Shansi was starting to understand.  “Are you the brother of Oslo and Yuma?” she asked.  “Ja!” said Baron.

Back in Grand Steed Manor everyone was just standing there and nothing was happening.  Suddenly Steed said, “Purdey, is Gambit somewhere around here?”  “*Who* is Gambit?” asked Cathy.  “An avenger” replied Steed.  “So is Purdey.”  “Oh” said Cathy.  She looked at the package that had arrived earlier and said, “Oh!”  When she looked back Steed was gone and Purdey was looking rather surprised.  “Where did John go?” asked Cathy.  “I have no idea, he just whizzed off and he went so fast I couldn’t see what direction he went in!” replied Purdey.  “That’s strange.  Look, he left his bowler behind.”

Cathy picked it up. It was covered in hair on the outside. She looked closer and could see that the hair was blonde.  “That can only be mine or yours I suppose.” She said to Purdey.  Purdey ignored what Cathy said and replied, “I swear I’ve seen you somewhere before.”  Then she remembered.  “Oh yes, you were in one of those pictures!”  “Pictures?  What are you talking about?” said Cathy.  “When I worked with your husband then in his house there was a picture of you, and pictures of two other women.”  “Probably Mrs Peel and Tara then.  Anyway, get me a hair analyser.”  “I don’t have one, Gambit has all that stuff.”  “Oh.  Well go and get him!”  “Um… ok then.”

Gambit was just getting out of his car.  Suddenly Purdey ran up to him.  “Do you have a hair analyser?” she asked.  “Why?” answered Gambit.  “Because Cathy needs one.”  “Who’s Cathy?”  “Steed’s wife.”  “Steed has a wife?”  “Yes, anyway, do you have a hair analyser?”  Gambit shrugged and gave her one.  Purdey ran back to Grand Steed Manor.

Cathy snatched the hair analyser off of her and began analysing the hair on the top of Steed’s bowler.  It turned out to be hers!  “How did your hair get on that?” asked Purdey.  “I don’t know” replied Cathy.  “The only explanation I can think of is that he knocked me out with it, and then that would’ve been the hard thing that hit me when Thomas and Lucy were kidnapped, but why on earth would he do that?”  “I’m sure you’ve got everything wrong.” Said Purdey.  “What?!” replied Cathy.  “I got my name and your name and my hair colour and John’s name and all that wrong?!”  “No, not literally everything!  Just about him knocking you out and that being why your hair is on his bowler! That’s all I meant!”  “Oh.  Well how else would my hair get there?”  “Perhaps some fell out whilst you were near it.  I’m sure that’s all it is.”  “I suppose you’re right.  I shouldn’t be blaming it all on him, when I have no real proof.”  After this conversation Purdey went back to see Gambit.

“Why are you still standing next to your car?” she asked.  “I’m expecting someone.” Replied Gambit.  Someone wearing a brown wig started walking up to them.  “Wait what?  That’s another one of the women in Steed’s pictures!” said Purdey.  “Yes I know, that’s Emma.”  “You mean Mrs Peel?”  “I think so, her surname changes rather a lot.”

As Mrs Peel got closer Gambit started looking from her to Purdey.  Purdey said, “Are you trying to decide between us?”  “Yes actually.” Replied Gambit.  “Well you know me better.”  “No I don’t.  I used to see Emma every time I woke up.”  “Are you saying she’s your ex-wife?”  “Yes.”

Mrs Peel finally stopped walking.  “I’m sorry, it’s been a long time, I’ve forgotten, do you go by Mike or Michael?” she said.  “Mike.” Replied Gambit, and took her in his car.  Purdey blinked as they drove away.  “Well I wasn’t expecting that.”

After a bit of discussion with Gambit, Mrs Peel decided to leave SCAR. This was because she now had someone else to think about, which meant no marrying Steed which meant no killing Cathy. Unfortunately, this did not have the same effects on Tara and Venus.  But luckily, Purdey was not the sort to kill or chase for love.

A few minutes later, Mrs Peel knocked on the door of Grand Steed Manor. Cathy answered. “What do you want now?” “I just wanted to tell you that I’ve left SCAR & am no longer trying to kill you or marry Steed.” “Why?” asked Cathy, a bit shocked. “I’m going to remarry my ex-husband Mike Gambit!” replied Mrs Peel.  “You were married to Gambit?” asked Cathy.  “I thought you’d only been married to John & Peter?” “Well, I’ve also been married to Mike, and soon I will be again.”  “Does the rest of SCAR know you’ve left?” asked Cathy.  “Mike’s just sending them my letter.” Replied Mrs Peel.