Fake TPOT 39: Designing Objects/part 1

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"**Designing Objects**" is the non-canon thirty-ninth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 7 November 1986. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known by many titles.

Author's note: Yes, the title's a reference to that new CBS show, *Designing Women*. I've never watched it, but I hear it's good.

Author's note #2: In my opinion, this episode is the one where you can safely say that everything before (TPOT 1–38) is the "**old series**" and everything after (TPOT 40–48) is the "**new series**". Part of this is for personal reasons. In a few months, I'll be "pulling a Cary" and moving into a dorm—I will be living on my own for the first time in my life. That's why I'm changing up the contestants' living arrangements and the format of the show to a sort of **domestic comedy**, because of anticipated nostalgia and stuff. I mean... I can do that, right? After all, it is my headcanon.

Author's note #3: This episode has been through a lot—a power outage, a night of consumption, IRL stuff I have to get through right now, and a sudden delay of events to the next act. Oops!

Description if this were on YouTube:

Find it rather interesting that we've been doing "vote to eliminate" instead of "vote to save" for the last few months. We haven't done anything like it since 1971, because we thought that if voters got to vote on whom to save instead of eliminate, it would punish the contestants who contributed the least to the action instead of those who contributed the most (negativity).

Right now, we're already seeing the effects of "VTE". That's why, from this episode onwards, you get to vote for whom you want to SAVE again! Yaaaaaay! Certainly a feel-good change to go with the new, new, new, new, NEW stage of the battle, yeah?

Previous episode: "A Ruff Estimate"

## Cold open

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Dawn. The episode begins with a close-up of **Price Tag**, who has apparently just woken up.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Ah, what a wonderful place to wake up for a change.

[*View of the twelve other contestants: they are all still sleeping in their sleeping bags outside the hotel. One by one, they get up with the sunrise and are rather groggy, except for...*]

* **Golf Ball**: A wonderful place? We've been sleeping out here for two hundred days!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: I was talking about my sleeping position, Golf Ball. I moved a few centimetres to the left!

[*Liy is the last one to get up.*]

* **Li****y**: Ugggh, when's Match coming back?
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: You mean from her date with Ignis.
* **Li****y**: No, Umtaya, from an anti-apartheid protest. /s Of course from her date with Ignis! Ever since she started dating him, we've been forced to stay out here without getting in their way.
* **Golf Ball**: In fact, her relationship with him is the only reason we are still out here, when we could be somewhere else.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, where's the adventure I thought this show would take us on?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Maybe she's just taking her time. I bet she's forgotten her own name; that's how much they're into it.
* **P****en**: Into what?
* **P****e****nci****l**: The new season of *Nairobi Vice*, Pen. /s

[*Enter* **Ignis**, *who looks down.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Hey, Ignis!
* **P****en**: Everything alright, buddy?
* **I****g****n****i****s**: I'm afraid not.

[*Enter* **Match** *with a feather duster. She is dressed as a French-Japanese maid.*]

* **Ma****t****ch**: I said I was sorry!
* **I****g****n****i****s**: I don't forgive people who accuse me of being old and dusty!
* **P****e****nci****l**: What'd she do?
* **I****g****n****i****s**: She accused me of being old and dusty.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oh, you young people will have to get used to it someday.
* **Ma****t****ch**: Omg, baby, like, *please* let me show you what the Doras meant when they sang, like, "Light My Fire"!
* **I****g****n****i****s**: No! And for that line alone I'm closing your hotel tomorrow!

[*All gasp.*]

* **Ma****t****ch**: Wait, Iggy Pop!
* **I****g****n****i****s**: Don't call me that unless you expect me to put a shirt on!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: That's way too many references, even for me.
* **I****g****n****i****s**: We are *over!*

[*Exit* **Ignis**.]

* **P****en**: Now I know how your sister feels, Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What about her?
* **P****en**: Y'know, when people call her Needy.

[*A hand—most likely that of* **Needle***—slaps Pen from the inside of the hotel. Pencil high fives the hand before it disappears. Huc teleportat* **Two**, *with* **Five** *on their back.*]

* **Two**: Did I just hear that the hotel's getting closed tomorrow?
* **Li****y**: Yeah, and it's all thanks to her. [*points at Match*]
* **Ma****t****ch**: Why is it my fault? I never owned this, like, place!
* **Five**: No, you didn't, but our staying here depends entirely on your relationship with Mr. Good Hair. With you two broken up, our punishment will be more severe if we haven't tidied the place up as immaculately as possible. Oh, Two, this is not good; we've got to change all our plans for the day to accommodate all these people!
* **Two**: Well, Five, you're the ber of action here. Why don't you start the limousine while I pack everything up?
* **Co****i****ny**: Pack everything up? We're leaving, Two?
* **Two**: That's exactly what you're doing.

[*All gasp.*]

* **Two**: Yes, yes, it's an exciting thing to leave the place where the competition's been for the last fourteen years, but it's all for my, I mean *your*, best. I don't want to go back to a non–two-star jail cell.
* **Five**: And I don't want to hear Two complain about being back in a non–two-star jail cell, so hurry up, people. It's moving day. And for real this time.
* **Two**: Everyone head to the limo of *TwoOOOOOO**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!***

[*Two saying their name during the cold open triggers the intro for the last time (ever?).*]

## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **Limousine**

**Scene**The final thirteen contestants are sitting in Two's limousine, which is being driven by a speeding **Five**, who is sometimes on the road and sometimes off it. **Match** is with them.
* **Five**: Driving is so fun!
* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, Five, when was the last time you were in an Earth car?
* **Five**: Never. I've always relied on Two for transportation.
* **Co****i****ny**: Wow.
* **P****i****n**: It's amazing that you've never been in a car before, but you still have your drivers' licence!
* **Five**: I don't have a licence.

[*Silence.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Five, I suspect that what you're doing is against the law. Stop immediately and let Pen take the wheel.
* **P****en**: What? Why me?
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Cos I like watching you drive! It's been, like, two decades. [*nudges him*]
* **P****en**: Oh, you.
* **Ma****tch**: Uggggggh.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I think I'm getting carsick.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What is it? The fact that we are getting out of the hotel, for the first time in half a year?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No. Romance.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Just... divert your attention to something else.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Okay. [*Remote walks over to Golf Ball*] GB.
* **Golf Ball**: What?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Weren't you and Tennis Ball going to build a house for yourselves last March?
* **P****i****n**: Yeah, you told us when you realized that there was no way we could go back inside.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Oh, that's funny.
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, it was.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I guess we were really thrown the idiot ball this year.
* **Snowball**: I vaunt not, yet I plume myself as ingeny to enflesh.

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Dialogue-less montage of **Two** packing up everything from their and Five's office.
### **Limousine**

**Scene****Five** is now going much faster than before. Everyone looks a little worried because the background is passing by so quickly that you'd think everything but the limousine is out of focus.
* **Co****i****ny**: You're driving really fast there, Five. I think you're breaking quite a few speed limits.
* **Five**: So?
* **Co****i****ny**: So, my dad's a cop.
* **Five**: Yes, but you forgot that I'm an... [*Pause—he remembers episode 25.*] Never mind.
* **P****i****n**: I don't mean to be demanding, Five, but where exactly are you taking us?
* **Five**: Oh, just a place.
* **Li****y**: What kind of place? I'm curious.
* **Ma****tch**: [*rolling her eyes*] Again.
* **Five**: How about I'll tell you?

[*Five turns on the radio of the car. A hi-NRG synthpop song is playing.*]

* **DJ**: Yeah, baby, they've got it! That, of course, was "Uranus", by Orange-j'-mam-maw. Next up is another throwback to the Swinging Sixties, a little song you might remember from the days of the Beatles, BFDIA and Botswanan independence, called "I Know a Place", by Petula Clark.
* **Five**: Ooh, this song is dope! And as luck would have it, it comes on just the right time for what's going on!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: What kind of name is Petula?

[*Five turns the radio up louder on the volume on the radio as a piano theme begins to be heard. To the confusion of the others, they start singing the wrong lyrics of the song.*]

**Song: "I Know a Place"**

**Vocalist(s)**: Five

**Five**: ♫ While on break, we were pondering life

On the Equation Playground, where tensions ran high.

That's why we felt like leaving the strife,

When we returned to Earth by and by.

We didn't want to be seen by you lot,

So we chose a place we would not get caught.

It's kind of far from it all, but it's nevertheless

A suburb of the capital's mess.

'Cause I tell you: *I* know a place

Where my lovèly host always took me to have some fun!

Now it belongs to everyone!

Sure, it seems like the middle of nowhere;

Well, you're right because on the map it sure is. [*pulls out a map of Kenya*]

Yet you're used to it anyway, for where

Two's hotel stands is distant chiz.

But this place is connected to town;

Through the hole you'll find the raddest place around!

Don't need to strain your legs just to buy some food;

Won't beg you 'cause I think it's rude.

But I tell you: *I* know a place

Where my lovèly host always took me to have some fun!

Now it belongs to everyone! ♫

[*Instrumental break.*]

* **Snowball**: O stupefaction!
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: You need to join our band, Five!
* **Five**: Oh, thanks.
* **Ma****tch**: I bet you can sing Mud-on-a, eh?
* **Five**: You bet wrong, Matchie-poo-poo!

**Five**: ♫ Well, it seems quite wrong to be stuck on Earth;

Algebraliens' home planet is just worth it,

But since we would rather be here somehow,

You've got to come along right now!

'Cause I tell you: *I* know a place

Where my lovèly host always took me to have some fun!

Now it belongs to everyone!

I know a place we'll have some fun,

I know a place fit for everyone!

You'll live here when this day is done,

Here, where the new stage has just begun...

Five is a larger number than One... [*fade out*] ♫

[*Near silence for a second. If a studio audience were present as there were in many sitcoms of the time period, there would be a big round of applause.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: That was real groovy, Five!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And pleasing on the hearing sensors.

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **Golf Ball**: I'd give it a B–.
* **Five**: Thank you, Golf Ball.
* **Ma****tch**: So can you sing Mud-on-a *now?*
* **Five**: No.

[*Five turns off the radio.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Why, like, why not?
* **Five**: Because we're already here.

### **Cake at Stake centrepiece**

**Scene**Five has pulled up to a strange formation: in the middle of a seemingly embryonic neighbourhood stands a round, metal, clockwork-like sculpture by numerous platforms. Around *that* formation stand ten large houses that form a perfect circle around the sculpture. The whole thing, which resembles a large version of the Antikythera mechanism, looks very much like something from science fiction, perhaps even a dystopia. This is a lot to take in for the contestants, who have never seen anything like it before.
* **All**: Ooooooooooooh.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: So this is 1980s Earth architecture.
* **Five**: Okay, get out.

[*Everyone gets out of the limousine and finds themselves on the raised outdoors platforms.*]

* **Winner**: Is this where we're doing Cake at Stake from now on?
* **Five**: Yes, indeed. And with that being sung/said, let's do Cake at Stake!

## Cake at Stake

[*The Cake at Stake theme plays from the loudspeakers set up outside the sculpture. By now, all the contestants are sitting on the platforms, while Five stands in the middle of the formation (predictable, isn't it?). A mirror pops up in front of Five and hovers above them. This allows the person in the middle to see the people standing directly behind them, so that they can have a look at everyone in the process.*]

* **Five**: Welcome, contestants, to what might be your first Cake at Stake outside the Second Hotel!
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, this is, like, exciting stuff, don't you think, Penc-penc?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I would if I weren't up for elimination.
* **Five**: Now why are all of you sitting on these platforms? You should only be up here if you were up for elimination in the previous episode.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: I was only doing it because everybody else was.
* **Co****i****ny**: I just wanted to try it out. [*adjusts his seat*] Mm-mm-mm, my buns are feeling especially at ease right now. [*Pin blushes.*]
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: My buns don't exist.
* **Five**: Cake at Stake doesn't apply to the eight of you, or perhaps... [*looks at Match*] the *nine* of you, so please feel especially at ease somewhere else. Goodbye.

[*Five presses a button and sends the nine people who were not up for elimination* (**Black Hole**, **Coiny**, **Golf Ball**, **Match**, **Pin**, **Price Tag**, **Remote**, **Tennis Ball** *and* **Umtaya**) *flying. They all land on a sofa that Five has suddenly conjured up. However, the five people who were up for elimination* (**Liy**, **Pen**, **Pencil**, **Snowball** *and* **Winner**) *remain; their platforms suddenly move very quickly so that they are equidistant from one other.*]

* **Five**: And now we can truly begin.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Shouldn't we wait for Two?
* **Five**: That won't be an issue because they can see what we're doing as we speak!

### **Hotel**

**Scene****Two** is still cleaning everything out of the hotel lobby to take with them to wherever. They cannot see what anyone else is doing because they are so busy.
* **Two**: [*about to fall down*] Knackered... that's all... [*unceremoniously falls down to notice the television set playing Cake at Stake in the hotel restaurant*] Oh yeah, there's a Cake at Stake going on.

[*Two gets up and runs to the television set.*]

* **Two**: Hey, he's doing Cake at Stake without me there!

**Five**: We got [*number*] votes today!
* **Two**: It's a good thing I can see what they're doing as we speak.

[*The TV shuts down. Two looks up.*]

* **Two**: Really, Ignis?

### **Cake at Stake centrepiece**

**Scene**Cake at Stake goes on, even when Two is not aware of it.
* **Five**: If you're safe, you'll get this!

[*Five shows everyone a large vial of a black liquid.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Eugh, what is that?
* **Ma****tch**: [*from the audience*] It looks like something Rocky would, like, barf up.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: But Rocky's vomit was green, not black.
* **Ma****tch**: Sorry, it's been, like, so long since I've seen that.
* **Five**: What I have with me at the moment is a vial of oil.

[*All gasp.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Oil?
* **Five**: Yes, that's right. This is just a little bit of my lucky supply of oil, petroleum, good ol' carbonic—hydrogenic—something—*I'm not a chemist!*
* **P****i****n**: [*Aside, to Coiny.*] It's a good thing we're still quite far from the ocean.
* **Li****y**: Why do you even have that?
* **Five**: It doesn't matter. But what does matter is that I'm giving you a little of what I perceive as good fortune, so that you may also perceive it as good fortune. Mind you, this can only happen if you're safe, so... be safe!

[*Five turns around.*]

* **Five**: Also because they wouldn't let me become the fourteenth member of OPEC.

[*Five turns around again.*]

* **Five**: [*Aloud.*] So that's what you get, and the first person to do so *is*... Winner!
* **Winner**: Chur!
* **Five**: The viewers must be okay with you, I suppose. Here's your oil!

[*As they do with everyone else declared safe, Five throws a handful of petroleum at Winner. It hits them in the face.*]

* **Winner**: Ouch. Now I've got to go somewhere to wash this off.
* **Li****y**: But Winner, you can't wash it off of you; oil and water are the worst of enemies!
* **Winner**: Oh, duh, I should have remembered that.
* **Five**: The next one safe is... Pen! [*Because of his accent, it sounds like he is saying "Pin".*]
* **P****i****n**: [*from the audience*] What? That's crazy!

[*Five throws another handful of oil in Pen's direction. He leans to the side and catches it as if it were a baseball.*]

* **P****en**: Eyy, great shot!
* **Five**: You bet your bottom Canadian dollar it was. Wars have been fought over this stuff.

[*Pen puts some of the oil under his eyes so that it resembles eye black, the thing you can find on athletes.*]

* **P****en**: Hehe, how do I look?
* **Five**: Like the bad guy from all the high school movies these days.
* **P****en**: Well, I've always wanted thicker eyebrows.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Thicker than those you've already got there?
* **P****en**: They're not *that* bad, eh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Not that bad? It's like flying caterpillars whenever you hear something that shocks you!
* **P****en**: That's not so nice!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, steady on, they fit you very well.
* **P****en**: Yes, they do.

[*Spotlight effect on the three contestants who have not been declared safe yet.*]

* **Five**: The next one safe is...
* **Ma****tch**: [*from the audience*] *You got this, Pencil!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: I mean, I haven't done anything undesirable in the eyes of the voters in the last nine months.
* **Five**: Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*catching the oil*] See? I was right.
* **P****en**: Good job!
* **Li****y**: Oh no, but that means I'm—

[*The spotlight is no longer on Pencil, but Liy and Snowball are now the focus.*]

* **Li****y**: Ack!
* **Five**: Is this about the fact that you might be eliminated?
* **Li****y**: No, Five, this is about—just tell me if I'm safe, okay?
* **Five**: Alright. Exix, you're safe, and Snowball is eliminated.

[*All gasp.*]

* **Li****y**: Well, that was... surprising.
* **Five**: Yeah, because I'm not a fan of the suspense that Two always puts on when they host Cake at Stake. If I were the real host, I'd like the eliminated contestant to be announced straight away.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: That's my kind of number!

[*Five throws the last handful of oil at Liy. She dodges and the oil lands as a stain on one of the houses surrounding the sculpture.*]

* **Snowball**: I am not my lot to seek. Pleaseth it you, do you away with me.
* **Five**: Okay.

## Cake at Stake, unresolved

[*Quite awkwardly, Five positions his hands so that it looks like he's about to zap Snowball into the Filing Cabinet, but nothing comes out of it because he is not Two. What we see instead is that Five looks as if he's about to bust a move.*]

* **P****en**: You're a good singer *and* dancer, Five? Wow!
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Yeah, sign up for acting school and you'll be a triple threat!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I don't think Five is intending to dance right now.
* **Five**: You're right. Please pardon me, Snowball, I'm trying to eliminate you, but nothing's happening. In fact, I don't even have a dance partner with whom to do this—the image is absolutely suckish.
* **Golf Ball**: Is *that* your main problem at the moment? We don't even know what to do with Snowball in the grand scheme of things! I have to admit that if this were an earlier episode, I would be jumping for joy because my nemesis from BFDI has been eliminated, but Snowball's chastened attitude is actually making me feel a little culpable.
* **Five**: Right, right, right. Well, all of you, say your goodbyes to him while I try to keep the show going.

[**Five** *walks over to a very modern-looking phone box in the background as the contestants regroup. Newly-introverted Snowball stands stately in the corner, far away from everyone, until he is approached by Pen, who puts his arm around him in a show of rapport.*]

* **P****en**: Aww, I'm going to miss you, SB! I'll always remember the good times we had in *Rrrroma*.
* **Snowball**: For a surety. Albe that I my millennia-long life ere my reformation have heartily enjoyed, must I thank thee, O foolish cerule and blank style, for thou hast me to a pious calling led and to me shewn whereby I should liven't.
* **P****en**: You're welcome... I think?

[*Enter Five, who approaches Snowball.*]

* **Five**: Alright, Snowball, it's almost time. They're coming.
* **Snowball**: Cometh who?

[*Huc teleportat* **Two**. *All the others notice.*]

* **Everyone**: Two!
* **Two**: I see the place we once thought was secret has been revealed without me in tow.
* **Five**: I'm sorry.
* **Two**: No, it's fine! All things considered, this is the number one place on the planet where I should like the competition to last until the end of the show. You could start here as early as you like.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Wait, the contest is continuing here?
* **Two**: That's right! The hotel is just about to disappear from our numeric hands and we are in a new stage of the game.
* **Five**: I told them all this in a song.
* **Two**: Now that's the way to do it!
* **Snowball**: Hum, Twoa, Feef? Concerneth this all me?
* **Five**: Yes, of course. Two was just going to tell you how you're going to be eliminated.
* **Two**: I am? [*Five elbows them.*] I *am!* Snowball... you will not be sent to the Filing Cabinet.

[*Everyone gasps.*]

* **Golf Ball**: That does not seem fair. Why does Snowball get a free pass to stay while all the other rejects are sent off?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I think it's because he's holy now.
* **Golf Ball**: But still!
* **Two**: Let me clarify!
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Yeah, Two, say it louder for the people in the back!

[*Everyone looks around.*]

* **Two**: What back?
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: It's an expression from my time.
* **Two**: Oh.

## Pre-contest

[*Two stands in the middle of the platform in view of everyone. They press a button and a megaphone comes out of the ground. Two speaks into it.*]

* **Two**: Attention, contestants! Due to unforeseen circumstances, we will no longer be staying at my Second Hotel!
* **Golf Ball**: We know that already!
* **Two**: You will all be living in these houses instead.

[*All gasp as Two points at the ten houses that surround the Cake at Stake centrepiece.*]

* **Winner**: We're getting our own houses?!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Finally, some privacy.
* **Two**: That's right! Now I want each of you, except Snowball, to pick a house for yourself.

[*Soni exspectati as everyone starts to run off in separate directions, talking to one another.*]

* **Golf Ball**: *Waaaaaaait!*

[*No response.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Why is no one listening to me?
* **Snowball**: I may call for all for thee to mum!
* **Golf Ball**: You would do that even after I insulted your brain all those years ago?
* **Snowball**: Yea, verily. If the Lord forgiveth the vulgar world, then so mote I.
* **Golf Ball**: Oh. Wonderful. Thhhhh... thhhhh... thhhhh...
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: She means *thank you*. [*Aside.*] You've said it before.
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, but I was still in a daze from the whole skydiving thing—
* **Snowball**: ***Taciiiit!***
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Tacit* means quiet.

[*All go silent.*]

* **Snowball**: *Hearken ye to the Orb of Golf!*
* **Golf Ball**: Since there are thirteen of us here and ten houses at our disposal, only seven of you can live alone. The remaining six of you have to share a building. Tennis Ball and I have already subconsciously agreed to be the first pair of people to announce their living together, because we are married and there has never been a reason why we should live in separate houses!

[*Silence.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: We don't fight like most couples.
* **Co****i****ny**: Cool, I assume the same applies to Pin and me.
* **P****i****n**: What do you mean, *assume*, Coiny?
* **Co****i****ny**: I was joking, honey, heh.
* **P****i****n**: So was I, heh.
* **Golf Ball**: Well.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*looking around*] Looks like all the other couples have their living arrangements sorted out, so how'd you like to live with me, Pen?
* **P****en**: That would be *awesome!* We can have as much fun as we want, when we want!
* **Golf Ball**: Hold your fantasies! You two are not married.
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, we missed out on that opportunity when free love was still a thing.

[*Pen jumps up and makes a quiet noise of excitement.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Wasn't implying anything, mate, keep your cap on.
* **P****en**: Oh.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Anyway, why does it matter that we're not married but want to live together? You wouldn't go round attacking me and Match if it was *us* that decided to move in with each other, would you?
* **P****en**: And, to be fair, we've all lived in a hotel room with our teammates since the show started, so what's so bad about having a little more space for once?
* **Golf Ball**: Ò! I have been wronged ideologically once again. POSSLQ if you want, you two. And Tennis Ball, if you please, walk the path of shame with me.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Okay, GB, I'll do what you say.

[*Exeunt* **Golf Ball**, *with* **Tennis Ball** *following her.*]

* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Oooooh-kay, then. So it looks like the people who are sharing a house aaarrre... Uh, can somebody good with lists fill us in?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes. The people who will be living together are Golf Ball and Tennis Ball; Coiny and Pin; and Pen and Pencil. Those living alone are Liy, Price Tag, Umtaya, Winner, Black Hole, me and Match.
* **Ma****tch**: Wait, I don't, like, need that house. I can just room with Pencil and, like, Pen!
* **[** **P****en** · **P****e****nci****l** **]**: [*surprised*] Huh?
* **Ma****tch**: You, like, suggested it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: But—
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So that leaves one house left over. I suppose we could use it for something for the whole cast.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, I think that building should be used, exclusively for death prevention–related activities, for example, for our business. The rest of you all have your own houses; you'll be fine with those.
* **Li****y**: I second that.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Wow. I like this side of you, Black Hole. Okay, the last house is for our pact, period. Can someone please pass that on to our hosts?
* **Co****i****ny**: Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Coiny.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*whisper-shouts*] *Yesssss!*

[*Exit* **Coiny** *as the other contestants silently decide on which buildings they want to live in.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, you know what Mom always says. You don't know someone until you live with them.
* **P****en**: Easy for her to say; she moved in with Dad.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yeah, I think we'll get along just fine, no doubt about it.
* **P****en**: We sure will!
* **P****e****nci****l**: But the question is, Match: will *you?*
* **Ma****tch**: Like, yeaaaaaaah. I've been known to stay at a lot of people's houses before, and the fellows there don't, like, seem to mind.
* **P****en**: [*Aside, to Pencil.*] They must call her the "wandering *mzungu*". /j

[*Pencil laughs out loud.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: That was good.

[*Meanwhile, as Two, Five and Snowball talk among themselves, they each notice some of the contestants about to enter their new houses.*]

* **Two**: ***Stoooooop!***
* **Five**: That's a little loud.
* **Two**: I'm sorry, but this should have been mentioned earlier: You can only enter your homes after I have recorded the house in which you have each chosen to live and have announced this episode's contest.
* **U****m****t****a****ya**: Aww, so we can't go in yet?
* **Co****i****ny**: There's not a monster in there, is it?
* **Two**: No, no, no, no. Just stand still so that I can take a mental picture of where you are.

[*The sound of a camera flashing can be heard as Two's eyes flash and the image of a floorplan can briefly be seen.*]

* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: Was *that* your idea of a mental picture?
* **Two**: Have you forgotten? You can do that if you win my powers.
* **Winner**: Wowser.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: You know, I feel like we should have known this earlier on.

[*Silence.*]

* **Two**: Okay, you can stop being still life now. I now have an idea of who lives where, thank you very much.
* **Co****i****ny**: So we can go in soon, right?
* **Two**: In a minute. Now, please excuse my breathy pants.
* **Golf Ball**: Pants?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Two, you wear pants?
* **Five**: Both of us do. But that's not the pants they're talking about.

[*Two starts to run frantically with a stack of papers, going in and out of all the houses, all in five seconds.*]

* **Two**: [*eccentrically panting as they run*] Huddily-huddily-huddily-huddily-***HO!***
* **Golf Ball**: What the?

[*Two stops in front of Five and Snowball.*]

* **Two**: How did I do?
* **Five**: Five seconds.
* **Two**: Yaaaaaay!
* **Winner**: What was that, Two? I'm quite confused.
* **Two**: I have posted copies of the contest directions on each of your walls.
* **P****ri****c****e Tag**: That sounded suspiciously futuristic-y.
* **Two**: Ready? Steady? *Go!*

[*All the contestants enter their houses as Two talks to Five.*]

* **Two**: I need to teleport back to the hotel so I can watch myself pass Mr. Netbottle's inspection with flying colours.

[**Match** *suddenly runs over to Two*.]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, Ignis is, like, coming back?
* **Two**: You can't come.
* **Ma****tch**: Oh, yes, I can.

[*Match hops on Two's back.*]

* **Two**: Don't do that!
* **Ma****tch**: This isn't me being, like, into you. I just want to see my, like, man before he disappears for, like, total good!
* **Two**: Well... [*looks at Five, who gives them a "go ahead" gesture*] Fine, but only because if I stay here and argue with you, I might miss his visit.
* **Ma****tch**: I wouldn't, like, like that!
* **Two**: Yeah, who would? [*imitating Mario*] Let's-a go!

[*Hinc teleportat* **Two** *with* **Match** *on their back, leaving Five alone with Snowball.*]

* **Five**: [*to Snowball*] Hi.
* **Snowball**: Hallelujah.

Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Notes

1. ↑ From newest to oldest: "**Move-In Day**", "**Moving Day**" (basically the same titles I was going to use for the previous episode); and "**The Power of Multiplying**", "**The Power of Multiplication**", "**Ten Is Enough**", "**And Then There Was Ten**" and "**Raising Our Families**" (all references to what would happen in the *next act* because I couldn't fit it in this one).
2. ↑ It's not as impactful as the BFB/TPOT split (whose before and after parts are literally called "4a" and "4b" even by the creators), but it's still a giant change for the season. Not even TPOT 24, the show's mid-point, stands a chance against this one.
3. ↑ Here's a little something: *Pencil 2.O* is also a domestic comedy.
4. ↑ A weird situation in this episode, when the BFDI people have gained the rights to use one song on their show but not another one.
5. ↑ Yes, I know those words don't rhyme... but it's Five, who, like Four and X, is a pseudo-American.

**Fake TPOT** [V]