Metaverse Parody: Pure Catharsis

If you know what all of this is referencing, congrats you know my pain, and you can share in my catharsis.

## Characters

* Albino Vampire Girlfriend (AVG) 3453
* Black and Red Werewolf Boyfriend (BRWB) 5673
## The Beginning

The two exchanged saliva with wreckless...uncomfortable abandon. They looked less like young lovers kissing and more like two hounds slobbering on each other's face, as if human behavior was a new frontier for them. The boy, wore a red and black jacket with blue jeans. His hair was black, but when the light hit it as the correct angle it looked blood red crimson. He wore a choker and his jacket and pants had so...so many straped going down the sides.

His opposite, his lover was a girl with silver hair, down to her back and messy, somehow it was as spiky as his, with bangs on the side of her face. Her skin was sickly pale, almost like a corpse, save for the pink flush that covered much of her face. Like him, she had bright red eyes, but hers were slotted like a cat's. She wore a cross, and sleeveless red vest, black jeans, a silver crucifex and so many belts on her main belt. She had noticable fangs, her upper canines were pronounced and making it hard to kiss normally.

They were on a bench in front of some manner of museum. It was a building made for the sake of culture, and they sat outside it, under the outdoor roof, slobbering on each other. More than once the girl had to stop him from trying to underess himself, or her.

"Yukiteiru..." she said as she put her hands on his face, stopping him.

"Rei..." he replied

"Yukiteiru..."

"Rei..."

"Yukiteiru..."

"Rei..."

"Yukiteiru..."

"Rei..."

"Yukiteiru..."

"Rei..."

"Yukiteiru..."

"Rei..."

"Yukiteiru..."

"Rei..."

"Yuki-" The lightning bolt came out of nowhere and dove straight into her chest, carrying on and taking her with it and it zoomed into wall behind her.

"REI!!!" He shouted, after taking a moment for his brain to figure out what had just happened. He turned to her, to see her pinned on the wall, not by a bolt of lightning but by a long golden spear. The thing was long, and covered in markings, strange runes, and characters, that had a mystical look to them, but also invoke the imagery of a fire flickering. At the end and connecting the large triangular two pronged head, were rings. "REI!!"

He ran over to her, she was unconscious as the spear had gone through her chest and was in the wall behind her. There was no blood, but the smell of burnt flesh was starting to fill the air. He was confused, 'was she dead, was she still alive?' He grabbed the spear to pull it out.

When he came to, his arms felt like pins and needles and his back was sore. He released he was now on the ground, some distance away from the girl, surrounded with debris, from the wall he had clearly been thrown into.

"Wow, you're durable..." said someone's voice. He wasn't sure his ears were ringing. "Most people would be dead by now..." He turned to see someone walking towards the girl. It was a man in a red suit, with a gold tie. His skin was a noticable swarthy complexion, his eyes were red, but his hair, was a bit short but wild. It was almost spikely but it looked smooth, constantly swaying back and forth in a non-existent wind, his red and gold locks somehow resembled...fire.

"Who...?" the boy asked, trying and failing to get up.

"Me...? Oh that's a long story...or a short one...depending on how I wish to tell it. He grabbed the spear, and voltage jumped from it to his hands, but he did not mind, nor care, did he even notice it? "Still, touching my spear and living, almost impressive, though your pants clearly can't say the same..." He was about to ask what, when he finally regained his sense of smell...and regretted it.

The stranger then pulled, yanking the spear out of the stone. He then put his foot on the girl's face and pulled the spear out, clearly tearing at cauterized skin, blood began to flow. He didn't care, he raised his spear and turned it, and the gore and flesh were gone in flames.

"You..." the boy said "You..."

"Threw the spear...? Well yes, it is 'mine', after all..." He began to growl, as his eyes became slotted.

"Why?!"

"You two annoy me, both of you annoy me, 'your' existence annoys me. Much of 'this' existence annoys me...ergo I felt like coming and working off some steam. True catharsis, you could say." The boy growled as his fingernails turned into talons, and his strength returned with his rage.

"I'll kill you...!" He roared leaping at him with in human agility. For all his passion and focus, all he got was the tip of the spear which sent him flying back and into a pillar, breaking it.

"One hundred and fifty eight..." the stranger said.

"What?!"

"The amount of times I've heard such words on...excursions like this..." He said opening his arms wide, and standing on one leg with a clownish amusement. "Hoenstly I've somewhat made it a hobby to start counting..." He stoop up properly, resting the spear on his shoulder.

"F\*&k you...!" He chuckled

"I don't think you can count that high..." the boy changed, morphing from a teenage boy to some large wolf like thing with the size of a bear and the posture and build of a gorilla. "Well now...you don't need to worry about your pants anymore..." The beast lunged at him as the stranger's eyes turned golden. It came down with a swipe, which he deflect away with his spear before bringing the butt of it up into his lower jaw. As the beast was stunned he slammed his first into its chest, spear in hand. Lightning sent him flying into the doors, destroying them sending him skidding against the floor.

Inside was dark, a museum that was closed. The wolf beast shook of his daze and looked as the stranger walked in through the door it had made. He could see the golden glow from his eyes and the muderous intent in them. He growled, and the stranger simply pointed his spear. Between the two blades appeared a prismatic star, a bright twinkling light, that left that space with a trail of light, one after the other. After the fifth one he realized they were magic missiles aimed for him. His speed, not his wit allowed him to dodge the blasts, explosions of glittering multi-colored smoke. Then he swung his spear, releasing a wave of that same energy. It knocked him back, but it did nothing really.

He stopped and looked at his hands. He didn't understand it, but his instincts told him something was wrong.

"Oi..." he looked up, just in time to lean back just in time, the blade grazing aginst his chest, a light, shallow cut. Then the stranger grabbed the spear with his other hand, and swung, throwing him through the dinosaur bones, and into a wall. He got up, sore and watched as the stranger approached him. He roared and slammed his fist into the ground, kicking up a cloud of dust before running of into the dark.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you going to avenge your vampire girlfriend...?" he shouted into the dark "or was she simply a piece of tail? It is vengeance you want or to avenge your annoyance for being interrupted?" he walked through the dark, hearing the sounds of the beast's growling. "Confused why you're not healing like before? Why your 'beastial rage' isn't winning you the day?" There was silence. "Oh don't be shy, I know you're pondering it. To answer your question..." He paused and took out a mint, and chewed upon it. "I'm magic, dumbass, my spear is magic. You're magic...you're a werewolf...but unlike you I know magic. I know things about you your puny little mind could never dream up. I know things you wouldn't even believe... For example...." He stomped the butt of his spear into the ground. Where the echo of that noise when, the light came on, and they came on bright.

In his little corner the beast crossed his arms over his eyes, as they needed time to adjust, but the moment they came down, he moved his head to the side, less on command, and more on instinct he did not resist. A lightning bolt struck his the wall beside him, the votage dissipating to reveal the golden spear. He turned back to see the stranger's hand grab him by the side of the face, and slam his head into the wall, repeatedely until the hole as deep as the spear had gone, before the stranger pinned him with his foot against his face.

"You know, those instincts of yours...I suspect are going to be annoying, letting you dodge where you otherwise couldn't, shouldn't, but if you went down so easily, I suppose this wouldn't have been as much fun. Still I-" He paused. His look of amusement was replaced by a look of annoyance as he knew what was to come next. "I forgot...stab through the heart 'and' cut of the head." The beast was confused, until he say his girlfriend hoving behind them. Her body became as a black shadow, morphing into a bat like wyvern, whick picked up the stranger in its jaws, shook him about, befor throwing him into the wall on the other side of the museum, leaving a massive hole in the wall.

He got up, howled in joy, and roared in bloodlust, lunging past her to get at the stranger, only to also be caught in her jaws. However, instead of being tossed about, she held him and made for the door, ignoring his whines and protests, which ended when he saw the stranger get uip out of the wall, eyes now fire balls. She smashed through the front door, and flapped her wings with all her strength, taking off into the air the sky now overcast, likely her doing.

The stranger came out of the museum, eyes made of fire. He looked up at the fleeing vampiric dragon, and his eyes turned into balls of blue as he put his fingers together. He drew them apart, making threads made of burning embers, as beams of blue flames shot from his eyes, making hard angles and seperating on different paths to striked the dragon from above and below. on its chest. The two explosions knocked it out of the air, and the beast out of its mouth.

The two were falling down, the dragon trying to regain her stability in the air, and get her boyfriend, when a robe of embers wrapped around her neck. The stranger turned around and yanked on the light rope, with a strength most inhuman. The dragon found herself practically pulled out of the air, and slammed into the museum, through its roof while her boyfriend was left to fall the old fashioned way.

The stranger looked at the dragon, the wound in its chest visible, as it tried to rise. It turned to him and vomitted out a miasmic breath attack. He did nothing, but when the smoke came, his body erupted in fire, consuming it, and then transforming into a massive fire bird, which lunged at her. He turned around, and walked back to the door. In his hand was voltage, When he curled his fingers, the electrical mass became a sort of spear. The boyfriend came, battered bruised and lunged forward. The stranger threw his bolt. The boyfriend came down, but missed. Not because his aim was off, but because his right arm was gone.

He hit the ground rolled and tumbled into the museum, where his girlfriend was fighting the fire bird and clearly loosing, giving the wounds on her face and missing eye. Much of the building had been trashed by their massive bodies flopping about, being thrown about. He turned to see the stranger walking in with his disembodied arm around his shoulders like a sort of scarf. He put his palms together, and drew a sword made of fire from the other one. He pointed it at the wolf beast.

"I must ponder if there is any point in talking to you..." The girlfriend scream out and the beast moved to help her, only the blade lentgthened, going over his shoulder and into the ground. "Now, now...I am talking. Pay attention, you're only going to get this one chance. Do know why you have to leave...? No, because you're absurd...and while a little absurdity is fine...this world has too much, it is unstable, and what would I find at the center of this meta-textual anomaly, but you, clad and swmming in protagonist syndrome." The beast made a noise, signifying it's lack of understanding. "Whether you understand or not is irrelevant..." The fire bird slammed the dragon's head into the ground behind the warg. "Look at you, not even an adult but you have what, how many girlfriends...well...'had'. You're a werewolf, nay, a were-'warg', a massive alpha creature stronger than...pure bloods. You have this odd hair color, eye color, people just seem to like you, against better reason, against their sense...or they're evil. Now...now the absurdity has gotten too damn high, and this world is in need of a retcon, but alas...someone needs to go." The wolf growled.

"I...I..I didn't get that..." The wolf beast made noises "Look dude, I can literally understand all spoken languages, you're just talking gibberish."

"(Wait, seriously...?)"

"Yes...!"

"(Cool no one understands me when I'm like this...your story is still bulldirt...)"

"Whether you believe it or not, is...irrelevant. You die now..." Another massive wolf like creature came down from above. It was brown and yellow, and it came down on his shoulders. To its surprise he was not pinned down, only his feet sank into the ground from the weight suddenly forced onto him. She then brought her jaws down his shoulders, trying to bite of his arm.

"(Hah! Take that, even if you survived you'll be-)"

"Highly annoyed..." he said "I have bathed with the warm breeze of solar winds, braced the stings of capital class weapons from interstellar empires, I have bandied wits with a psychic dominator and took the blows of fists that could level mountains..." He put his hand on the female werewolf's head. Immediately the situation changed as she was now howling in pain with the sound of bone crackin, and trying to get free. "...and you think the bite of this thing is going to stop me? I don't know, nor care enough to know how you escaped my arbiter...but coming here was a mistake." He pulled of the top half of her head, leaving behind an exposed brain, lower jaw and flapping tongue. She fell off him, dead, or unconscious and soon to be dead. He tossed her scalp away and turn back to the boyfriend, whose fear was blatant even with his inhuman face.

He turned to his girlfriend, and lunged towards her, with what ever strength he could get from the fight-or-flight response he was currently in. He tackled the fire bird's leg, the one that was pinning her down, bearing the burns with dignity as the adrenaline rushed blocked the processesing of the pain. Freed, the vampire girlfriend, snaked upward in her wyvern form, locking her jaws on the bird's neck and buring her fangs deep in its incdendary flesh.She swung her neck around and the bird's body moved with a loud audible 'snap' when its head stopped but its body continued with the momentum.

As her boyfriend got up and ran beneath her, she snapped her jaws, the fire beast reduced to wild embers. They both growled.

"Am I supposed to be impressed...?" the stranger asked. His eyes had turned blue again, but not as fire, instead it was a lighting blue glow from within his eyes that overpowered the golden glow. "Am I really supposed to be impressed?" The overcast sky grew darker and darker, as storm clouds began to swirl around them. Thunder crackled, louder and louder as lightning became more prevalent in the clouds. "Am I really supposed to be impressed...by a blood sucking harlot, and her damn dog of a boyfriend, me?!"

The bolt of lightning that came down was massive, the museum was lost, a smoking crater in the ground. In it was where they lied. Both were now in human form, wearing not but their birthday suits, and even those sported burns and bruises, and were all covered in dust. The boy was missing his right arm, and the girl had a terrible looking scar in the middle of their chest. They were beaten, defeated, and out of the dust the stranger in red approached. His expression devoid of amusement, and now only speaking of cold-blooded murder.

He raisd his hand, and the two struggled in vain to move, too weak. A green prismatic sphere formed in his hand from several ribbons of energy pulled together. Then there was prismatic static, and it was gone. He raised his hand and turned around, not at all amused. 'They' were there, a collection of women gathered together, all injured, with burns, cuts and bruises, they had all been in a fight. He approached them, the static returning and begining to cover him.

There was a blue skinned elf, in a skin tight green leotard with strap and a cape. She hovered in the air, her hands surrounded by blue glittering energy. There was a woman in a tribal get up, with white markings and red hair, armed with a primitive spear. There was an orange arachne, a woman with the lower body of a spider. There was a centaur armored and armed like a knight. Finally there was a snake girl...well...less a 'girl' and more a blue and red snake, half dressed in the shape of a woman. She was armed with a spear.

As he approached them outside the crater that was when the static around him grew more prevelant. Suddenly the slim, slender man in red was gone. In its place was a seven to eight foot figure with skin the texture of white stone. He wore a dark blue body suit, with obsidian armor allover his body. His white hair was beneath a head piece,a piece of navy blue chrome that covered his scalp and lower jaw, but left his face visible, while his long silver hair flowed out through the back. His eyes were orbs of lightning blue light, from which blue flames radiated off.

"That's impressive magic..." said the stranger, "for someone who bends over and begs at the feet of someone so beneath them..."

"You know nothing of Yukiteiru, monster!" the elf shouted back.

"Oh, oh I think I know enough about him, what little of it there is. Anyone want to explain how he was able to woo all of you powerful ladies..?"

"Yukiteiru is kind..." said the snake lady.

"A lot of people are 'kind', contrary to popular belief, being an a-hole does not make one popular...it also doesn't explain any of this. He is just a werewolf, weaker than even his lycanthropic girlfriend, who has since departed...or should be...but what he's some chosen werewolf hero?"

"Departed...?" asked the Arachne.

"I am most impressed you lot managed to escaped my Arbiters, but she was under the incorrect conclusion that I was easier pickings than my emisarries. A mistake most deadly..."

"You bastard...!"

"Why are you doing this...?" asked the spear girl.

"I don't much care if you understand, but your friend here is the center of a metaphorical anomaly, his presence twists and turns the world bringing forth all manners of absurdities, and it's getting worse. Your lucky I came, his existence may have summoned something...eldritch...Honestly, most cases of 'Protagonist Syndrome', lesson with age as they grow up, but this one...never changes, does he...?"

"You're mad..."

"Not the same as wrong..."

"What are you...?" asked the elf.

"Child...I 'am'..."

"And you want to talk about Yukiteiru...he is a hero!"

"BRWB 5673 is the threat to this world's existence, not me."

"He has a name...!"

"...And you think I care to know it?" They charged, and he spread open his hands as lightning sparked between them. Several circles of appeared in front of him. The girls stopped and looked at the elf.

"Stop him...!"

"I can't..." she replied

"Of course not...this isn't your brand of 'magic'..." Bolts of lightning came down in the circles, moprhing into large robotic figures with pronounced shoulders pads, and visors, like capital T but with lines through the middle, burning with the glow of a furnace. The girls immediately recognized them for what they were, more of the same things that had attacked them before. Immediately the elf began chanting, her blue sparkling energy beginning to swirl around her as it began to swirled around the robots and around the stranger.

The stranger looked up, and fired beams of blue fire, that split apart and came together, suddenly becoming a sort of singularity, a flickering black sphere of warped space that popped like a bubble bringing into this existence a massive diamond shaped rock, mulitple sides ,made of black stone. In its presence the blue glow of the elf's magic faded as she suddenly fell out fo the air.

"My advice..." said the stranger "Learn to cast without words."

"How...?!"

"Child, you really think this is my first rodeo, you really think I haven't..." he paused and looked back "Kill them all..." the machines stood up straight and began to march forward..

In the noise of battlle, of death and destruction, the two ran down the hill. The vampire pulled her boyfriend by the arm, down the hill, keeping him going.

"Come on, we have to go..." she said.

"Go, but the others..." he said half awake..

"They'll be fine..." she said as a blood curdling scream came from behind them. "They're always..." she noticed that he was glowing, it was the same color that the stranger's magic took, She was about to let go, when they dead stopped with eyes wide open in shock and pain. The spear, the golden spear was done transforming back from its lightning bolt form, and it had pierced both of them through their ribcages; in through the backs, out through their chests.

"Rei..." he said weakly.

"Yui-" Twin beams of hot blue plasma came down and vaporized her head, leaving her boyfriend shocked, and screaming in silence, and the rest of her body to turn to ash.

"No..." said the strange, coming down out of the sky slowly with his arms behind his back. "None of that...I've had my fun, this is over now..."

"You...won't get away...with this..." He grabbed him by his hair, and the werewolf gritted his teeth.

"Get away with this...? It is understandable that you think I'm just here to murder you and your friends, and that was fun....but they will be back..."

"What....?"

"Even if I got rid of you, there is still a high level of 'absurdity' in this world, high levels of unfiltered magic field particles polluting this three dimensional m-brane creating all sorts of chaos that will only lead to dissolution. Every time there is an overload, the world retcons itself, trying bring justification, but just gets easier and easier for the madness to slip in.It has to be fixed, remade..."

"So why do all of this, you sound like you can just do it..."

"I can...and you would still be here, a metaphorical singularity, that the world swirls around. Normally with maturity, this nonsense would...slow down, die out. Normally things like you, protagonists, are the so everything isn't so ungodly boring and dull, but you...you've never learned, never grown up, just deeper and deeper into the madness."

"You don't know me..."

"You're a red and black individual who turns into a masive black werewolf, surrounded by numerous women who...logically are more powerful than you, but always seem like damsels in distress until you come and save them. You presume there is much for me to know, vacuous one..."

"What...?"

"Exactly..."

"No...if the world revolves around me then..."

"Then you should find some way to exist...but child...I don't have to follow the rules of this world..." He grabbed the sphere, and bolts of lightning shot down again and again, untilt he boy was reduced to ash. "Now hither comes the restoration. He slammed the bottom of his spear into the ground and several more rocks appeared in the sky, letting a bright blinding blue light.

## The Ending

"Yukiteiru..." Said the vampire girl. She now wore a blue blouse under a red and black, sleeveless jacket. She wore a red cloth wrapped around her waist and a dark blue pair of jeans. She had detached dark red sleeves, and wore her crucifex all the same. Her boots were black with red stripes, and her hair was no tied back and had been neatly combed.

"Rei..." He replied sitting opposite her on the bench infront of the museum, a museum untouched by collateral damage.

"Yukiteiru..." He leaned towards her "If this was just a booty call I'm going to kill you..."

"What...?"

"What do you mean 'what'...? You think I don't know about you, freaking Zeus hits on women less than you, and has higher standards to boot!"

"Rei don't be like that..."

"Ugh....this is just an attempt for you to get laid, what, were you going to want to do it here?!"

"....No..."

"Ugh, you're a f\*&king dog in every sense of the word..." She turned and noticed the curator, a man in a red suit with a gold tie, and yellow and red hair "Aren't we flamboyant..." she mused aloud.

"Rei, come on, don't be like that..." She put up her hand, blocking his progress towards her as she eyed the curator, as he walked past them carrying a briefcase of sorts. It was subtle, very subtle, but she was certain she could hear a...storm? There was the low rumble of thunder coming from the briefcase, as he stopped at the front door and took out his keys to go in. "Rei-Chan..." She gave the wolf boy an uppercut making him flip backwards and land on his back. The curator simply looked back from the commotion, and she rushed towards him.

"Sorry...sorry, he's just being...an imbecile..."

"Okay..." the Curator said with a raised eyebrow "just...don't break anything..."

"Say...have we met...?"

"Hmmm, I suspect I would remember you if I did..."

"Hey...don't ignore me..." he said.

"I think your boyfriend-"

"HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND!" she said almost growling, before catching herself "Sorry I'm just tired of his...nonsense..."

"I see, perhaps another time, for now I have work to do..."

"It's a date..."

"You're old enough to be my daughter..."

"Oh I'm older than I look..."

"So am I...Good day, madam.." he left entering the museum and locking the door behind him. The girl, Rei, stood there, her countenance locked in deep contemplation.

"So how about our date..." said the wolf boy, as he put his arm around her shoulders. Her response was an elbow to the gut before walking off. "Come on Rei..." she flipped him off, as she left. "Dang it...." He took out his phone, twiddled with it and made a call "Hey Reha, it's me Yui- Hello...? Damn it...!"