The Great Minish

*The following information is not in any way condoned by Minish, despite any attempts to convince the reader otherwise. We apologize for the inconvenience.*
"*You're a douchebag.*"
— Minish
***The Great Minish*** is an autobiographical science fiction epic fantasy action adventure romantic comedy murder mystery superhero tragedy thriller novel written and narrated by Xykeb Zraliv, but starring Minish as the central protagonist. It chronicles the life and times of both Minish and Xykeb as Minish's psyche begins to deteriorate, eventually resulting in mutual tragedy and bloodshed. The novel became a best-seller on Deviantart and Craigslist, even surpassing literature classics such as *Twilight*.

*The Great Minish* was eventually adapted into a film, video game, TV show, comic book, comic strip, graphic novel, webcomic, text adventure, fanfiction, radio broadcast, and algebra 2 textbook. All were critically panned by reviewers, but produced monstrous amounts of revenue due to the success of the novel.

## Characters

### Major Characters

* **Xykeb Zraliv** — the cynical and pessimistic narrator of the novel. Much of his narration is regretful and melancholic in nature, although he makes frequent snarky comments about events. In the story itself, he presents himself as a slightly douchey but ultimately heroic foil to Minish. He is played by Abraham Lincoln in the film adaptation.
* **Minish Keating** — the ostensible main character of the novel. She is initially kindhearted and easygoing, but gradually falls down a path of darkness with tragic results. She is plagued by her "moron meters", statistics that determine which negative qualities she exhibits and to what extent (later made a gameplay element of the video game adaptation). She is played by Jack Slate in the film adaptation.
* **Mr. Putnam** — Minish's high school librarian, eventually revealed to be the cryptic and mysterious antagonist of the novel. Although Putnam's true motives and backstory are never explicitly revealed, it is strongly implied that he is really Minish's father (this is made canon in the fanfiction adaptation). He has the power to manipulate Minish's moron meters as he chooses. Mr. Putnam is played by Darth Vader in the film adaptation.

### Supporting Characters

* **Flashi** — a friend of Minish. Though well-intentioned, she is prone to impulsive and bad behavior. She is played by Japas in the film adaptation.
* **AuronKaizer** — a mysterious friend of Minish who never reveals his true past. It is implied that he is an average Norwegian citizen with no specifically cryptic backstory, though this is never explicitly confirmed. He is played by himself in the film adaptation.
* **Monchoman45** — Minish's ectobiologically identical twin. He is played by Superman in the film adaptation.
* **Minish's Other Friends** — a random assortment of morons that Minish hangs out with for some reason. The novel never goes greatly in-depth with any of their characters. They like PewDiePie and that's about it.
* **Korean Table of Death** — Mr. Putnam's right-hand man and main strategist. He organizes an unsuccessful assassination attempt. He is played by Sally's ex-wife in the film adaptation.
* **Vorvax Zoxbibble** — a computer hacker that befriends and mentors Minish. He is the creator of the legendary Plasma Code, a pivotal part of the plot. He is played by Michael Caine in the film adaptation.
* **Minsh** — Minish's doppelganger and rival. Although he is portrayed as an antagonist, he opposes Mr. Putnam. He is played by Minish in the film adaptation.
* **Xykeb's Father** — an eccentric man who causes several Popcorn Malfunctions, a trait that causes Mr. Putnam to seek out his abilities. He is played by Bill Clinton in the film adaptation.
* **Alpha Crush** — an old flame of Minish's who is revealed to be Mr. Putnam's assistant. She has the power to make people obsess over their pasts. She is played by Omega the Robot in the film adaptation.
* **The Rebound** — Mr. Putnam's first victim. She is played by The Rejector in the film adaptation.
* **The Rejector** — a mysterious acquaintance of Minish's. It is implied that he is scared to talk to her because she turned down Minish's creepy flirtations several years ago. She is played by The Rebound in the film adaptation.
* **Robot Eyes** — an android spy built by Mr. Putnam. She eventually develops self-awareness, but it doesn't matter because she's too stupid to do anything about it. She is played by Microsoft Sam in the film adaptation.
* **That Other One** — wait, who is this again? We think she shows up at some point, but we're totally blanking on what she does. We think she has brown hair?

## Plot Summary

*The Great Minish* begins in medias res as Xykeb, the narrator, battles Minish on a tower. The result of the battle is left unclear. The story then flashes back three years as Minish prepares to go to school on an average day. The next several chapters deal with Minish's everyday life and introduce several plot threads and characters, including Mr. Putnam, Minish's school librarian. During this time, Xykeb retains online communication with Minish, where the two interact as friends.

As Minish continues to attend school, however, she is slowly manipulated by Mr. Putnam, who, unbeknownst to Minish at the time, begins altering her moron meters. As a test, Putnam forces Minish to confess to her friend that she harbors a crush toward her, though she firmly rejects Minish. Minish then wallows in self-pity, and Putnam, his test having been successful, manipulates Minish into shooting up the school. During the shooting, however, Minish begins to struggle against the moron meter manipulation, causing Putnam to reveal his true colors and shoot Minish, dislodging her arm.

Minish wakes up six months later on the starship of Vorvax Zoxbibble, who has installed a cybernetic arm to replace the one that Minish lost. He reveals that Putnam is an intergalactic villain and that Minish is an idiot moron that completely helped him with his dastardly plan. Minish attempts to kill herself, but she is unsuccessful because there is not enough gravity in space to hang oneself. Zoxbibble, however, acquiesces to Minish's desires and kills Minish for her.

In the afterlife, Minish encounters The Rebound, an old acquaintance of hers and a victim of Putnam. The Rebound has nothing particularly meaningful to say, but her apparent death convinces Minish that she must come back to life and attempt to save the universe from Putnam's tyranny. The Rebound then shows her a prophecy telling Minish that she will ultimately not be successful, and she decides to stay in the afterlife after all.

Her decision is undermined, however, by Xykeb, who brings Minish back to life with glue and tape, at the expense of her other arm. Minish is understandably enraged, but Xykeb tells her that there is no time for self-pity and that Minish is needed for something very important. Xykeb then requests that Minish draw a picture for him, and Minish, understanding, completes his request. Upon completion of this task, Minish sees a new purpose in life and becomes a sprite artist, eventually moving to France to study art.