Cult of the Hallouminated Path

***This article, Cult of the Hallouminated Path, is a non-canonical humour article written for entertainment purposes. It is not to be taken seriously, and does not need to follow any storyline in particular.***

## Genestealer Cult

### Status

Active

**The Cult of the Hallouminated Path** are a Skaven clan-turned Cheesestealer Cult that want to conquer the Imperial agri-world of Bandel. Led by the Fetararch 'Old Mouldclaw', a mighty creature with razor-sharp claws who holds sway over its subjects with the psychic energy field known as the Foodmind.

## History

The ancestors of the Hallouminated Path evolved on Bandel' moon, Anari. Although they lived on the surface initially, a shower of comets destroyed all plant life on the surface and drove the ancient skaven underground. From that point on, the clan subsisted on a mineral known as cheesium which was unique to the moon. They would stay underground bickering and fighting among themselves for a long time, moving deeper as cheesium deposits near the surface were exhausted. It is uncertain if the skaven ever ventured to the surface but their presence was not known to the Imperium when it claimed the system. The moon was surveyed but the cheesium confounded the survey ship's sensors, keeping the skaven hidden.

The rats' society would remain unknown until a freighter from the agri-world above would get caught in the moon's gravity and crash. The tremors drew curious skaven to the surface who came upon the cargo strewn across several kilometers. The ship had been carrying several thousand tons-worth of milk, cream, butter, grox meat and cheese from Bandel destined for elsewhere in the Hallstat Sector. The dairy products were dragged back underground to the skaven rulers who decreed it the most delicious thing since sliced cheesium. The rats then built telescopes allowing them to spy on the humans below. They saw vast creameries, immense grox herds and fields that stretched from one side of the planet's horizon to the other.

The skaven king, Old Mouldclaw, gorged himself on cheese and cream. The dairy (which may or may not have been irradiated) caused him to swell to enormous size (for a skaven). His previously hidden talent for skaven magic - ratomancy - awoke and he began to unite the fractious and squabbling masses of his people. Mouldclaw declared himself the prophet of the new religion - a Cheesestealer cult. Styling himself as the 'Fetararch', Mouldclaw declared a holy war against the Imperium of Man-things for the sake of acquiring their cheese.

## Cult Beliefs

Led by the Fetararch, the Cult believes that all cheese in the Universe belongs to the skaven; and that it is their divine right as a race to seize it from the unworthy; which is to say: everyone else.

Upon becoming initiated into the cult, each member assumes a new name referencing their favourite kind of cheese. Most skaven are not truly initiated but act as foot soldiers and servants of those who are. An initiation ceremony involves the initiated having a sacramental meal consisting of Bandelan cheese and cream.

## Homeworld

Anari has a yellowish appearance and its surface is covered in craters. This has led many theologians among the Order of Our Lady's Halloumination to speculate the moon might be made of cheese. This is not altogether untrue as the moon of Anari holds huge deposits of the edible mineral cheesium in its bedrock. This ore has sustained the skaven for an untold count of years. It is not known how cheesium forms or under what conditions. It is also possible that cheesium is an organic mineral.

The planet's crust is a riddled with a network of caves and deep caverns which reach down almost to the mantle in some places. This is where the skaven first evolved on Anari. Their societal history pre-contact with the Imperium is a mystery.

## Notable Cult Characters

* **Queso Crustslayer**, *The Fromagus* - The charismatic public relations manager for the Cheesestealers.
* **Marge 'the Grater'**- A dashing rogue who carries a ridiculous number of single-shot pistols about its person.
* **Parm 'Shaky' Esan** - A skaven saboteur and blower-up of things.
* **Steinch Keensnout** - The assassin whose sniper weapon fires rounds of hardened radioactive 'Gotcha' gouda.
* **Brieze Windseeker** - Drives a stolen Achilles Ridgerunner, likes running things over.

## Specialist Formations

* **Cheddar Shredders** - A group of biker mice who like racing and guns. They have a lot in common with ork speedfreakz.

## Trivia

More or less every location and character name is a cheesy pun.