Derrick Hashslinging

Derrick in the 1800s

## **Description**

Ser Derrick Hashslinging is a rather genial and grumpy cunt, who eats stilton blobber pie daily. He also has severe Derrick Syndrome. As of October 2018, Derrick Hashslinging is a rather tall gentleman, standing at 6'12". He owns thy rustled goatee, thy ruffled silver hair, and thy wrestled wrinkled face. Due to his severe Derrick syndrome his penile region is abnormally small, but he compensates for it with the size of his forehead.
It is also said that if he looks you directly in the eye thy will start to uncontrollably pluck at your eyebrows, and that Derrick has a secret third nipple which he isolates from thy rest of thy nipplage.

## **History**

#### **BIRTH**

Ser Derrick Hashslinging was born in 0 DD, in Barrow-in-Furness, which is located in the west coast of England. He was born in a bath - his mother didn't realise she had been impregnated, so therefore she was sat fully clothed in thy bath (smoking heroine and drinking liquidised cat shit (this was due to rationing, because of Thy Rather Mediocrely-Sized War of Barrow-in-Furness)). Derrick glided along thy bottom of thy bath, immediately after birth, ripping straight through his mother's cardigan (which she was wearing on her nether regions), and when his mother heard thy thud of thy Derrick Hashslinging, she screamed out,
"Oh no, it appears I've shetted on my new cardigan, this was meant to be relaxing and now it stinks of shit!"
Derrick then let out a dreadful scream as he simmered in thy bath water, his mother was not impressed - she continued to exclaim the following: "Why thy feck is thy shet squelching about, my shets are most usually stagnant!"
24 hours after Derrick's mother gave birth to Derrick, she couldn't handle the sad truth - that Derrick Hashslinging was indeed a simmerer, so she decided to fling Ser Derrick out of thy bathroom window! However, before she did thy dreadful act, she whispered in his ear, "I declare you 'Ser Derrick Hashslinging', but I cannot let you simmer in my family bathroom much longer - I must ask you to leave!"
But before Derrick could do a shet of wrongdoing, his mother did a Taiwanese Flying Leg Flex , sending Ser Derrick flying out of thy window, onto thy road below.

#### **CHILDHOOD**

Shortly after Ser Derrick Hashslinging had been Taiwanese flying leg flexed out of thy family bathroom window, a random bulldog by thy name of Carla came by and urinated upon his faceular region, which instantly shocked Derrick, in fact, Derrick was so disgusted by thy urination, he skinned thy bulldog, and he threw thy c\*nt in thy beck of Mosul.
He then spent 15 years roaming thy sea-side town of Barrow-in-Furness, and Derrick foraged his sustenance from thy left over excrement of thy Seaside Paul.

#### **TEENAGE LIFE**

Derrick unexpectedly decided that he had had enough of Seaside Paul's painful excrement,
so Ser Derrick said his final farewells to everybody he knew (all one of them), and he then moved to Bethlehem, Israel.
When he was In Israel he decided to try thy national delicacy, which was thy dish of limpets and stuffed turmeric sauce with a side dish of braided fish hair. Following thy consumption of thy dirty middle eastern cuisine, he then began to hallucinate.
Thy hallucinations told Derrick to "go and bloody lop off thy legs so that thy mayeth return to thy vastly stumpy fetal form!". Derrick pondered on such a task, he grabbed some steel toast tongs and instantaneously cropped thy legs from his body.

He merrily stumbled his way to a small barn, where he found a child in a manger. He proceeded to bludgeon thy wee cunt to death with a sock filled with sand, and therefore Derrick needed to disguise him self as thy petite new born. Subsequently, he climbed inside thy nostrils of thy child, and started to wail like thy child would.
Later on in thy night, thy child's mother came to check on him. She proclaimed him Jesus Christ, but before thy child's mother could leave thy barn, Derrick hopped out of thy manger and strangled her to death with his small child cock, and he then did this to every other member of thy child's family. Derrick Grappled thy most moist Gadgy he could find and rode it everywhere.

#### **ADULT LIFE**

After he had finished such a disturbing task, he decided to travel from Bethlehem to Tabuk which is located in thy most desert region of Saudi Arabia.
While roaming thy rugged sand paths of Tabuk he came across a young fellow of thy nogular kind. Thy n\*g then pronounced to Derrick " Sup n\*gger I hear you're thy Ser Derrick Hashslinging, I've heard much about you and I need to tell you something." Ser Derrick then reposted in anger and brandished his long sharp toe nail and started to hack away at thy young fellow, severing his arteries and dicing his flesh.
With thy young nogular fellows last breath he exclaimed to Derrick "NO I AM YOUR FATHERRRRR...UGHHHHH... ."
Ser Derrick Hashslinging then realised what he had done and squatted on the spot and urinated furiously, with such anger, guilt, despondency, dolefulness, downcastness, dejection, and woe that it began to burn spicily. His child sized bellend burst into huge amounts of fleshy morsels.
Derrick Hashslinging then went into a blooded daze and then collapsed onto the sand below him.

Ser Derrick then woke up In the back of a wooden cart with his bruised bellend crater stitched up with chicken feathers, as he glanced at the driver of thy cart he saw a dirty middle eastern man covered in what looks like horse hair and mulberry cavern table cloth.
Ser Derrick then said to thy driver " EXUSE ME YOU BELLIGERENT CUNT, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, YOU NEED TO LET ME GO OR ILL TIE YOU UP AND PUT YOU IN THY SANDY TUMERIC DISSOLVER!!." The driver then claimed "Vimbela uphuthi noma ngizokuthuma enkukhu yami ethosiwe i-drama yomculo!!." Derrick then fainted once more.

When Ser Derrick Hashslinging awoke from his heat induced slumber he then realised where he was, he had been dumped at the side of thy river Jordan.
Derrick Hashslinging then decided to ponder his way further down the river, eventually he came across a bustling crowd of dirty, undusted, crummy, dishevelled, dusty, filthy, greasy, grimy, messy ,terracotta-like middle eastern commoners.
As Derrick saltated through the crowd he could hear the sound of splurging water. When he arrived at the riverside he saw a bearded knave getting aggressively dunked under thy dirty piss water, so Ser Derrick then wanted to emancipate the young knave, Derrick then proceeded to perform a Cantonese Rear Naked Headlock upon thy belligerent man who was dunking the knave in a unheathly manner. But as Ser Derrick had a closer inspection of thy young knave he, attained the knowledge that he had just saved Jesus Christ.
Derrick then performed a Eritrean Twisted Wrist Launch upon Jesus Christ instantly killing him.

A couple days of consistently pondering around thy river Jordan Ser Derrick Hashslinging then had an idea: he was going to travel to Sudan for thy most sandy of heaths dwell there.
Still thinking of his dad that he had just slaughtered, Derrick decided to have a green bean tasting session in Egypt to calm his guilt.
When Derrick arrived in Egypt he could sense slavery in the air (Ser Derrick then told us that thy reasons for his slavery senses were because of the mass amounts of Jewish excrement and kinky leather whips laying on thy sandy floor).
Ser Derrick was astounded by the power of the slave owners in Egypt, he wanted that kind of power over others, so Ser Derrick vowed to keep slaves until his untimely death.
Later on in the week Derrick met a old slave owner, Ser Derrick asked the slave owner if he could purchase some of his finest female slaves, the owner then exclaims "for what use do you desire my finest female slaves?" Derrick replies with "for raping, ravaging, plundering, despoiling, and boiling in a ceramic vial of course." The old slave owner then reposted with " NAY you shan't have thy female slaves thy dirty, infested cunt, FUCK OFF!!."

Derrick Hashslinging did not take kindly to thy slaver's insults, so Derrick did a Right Royal Sudanese Smash-Up, instantly severing the slaver's spinals regions until they looked like bits of sliced Manchengo Cheese. Derrick followed it up with a dastardly Dreadful Tibetan Toe-Twist which over a period of 3 minutes burned all the toe hairs off of his twisted toe. Every single being in Aswam'Dam turned to see what the commotion was all about, when they saw that their was a kerfuffle all the big n\*ggas conveyed them selves towards Derrick. At this time Derrick knew what was bout to go down in this town. Ser Derrick was well and truly ecklefecked but then Derrick heard a big swoosh from behind and felt a awful smack to the back of his head, luckily for Derrick he knew what had hit the back of his head just from the gust of stanky air that followed straight after, he had been bludgeoned from behind with a big n\*gga's Stank Stick. the stank stick was a big, dark, and certainly stanky. Derrick quickly regained consciousness as he awoke he realised that his garments had been relinquished, he was there on the sandy floor butt bollock naked, spread eagle as if someone had had their way with Derrick's unknowing body. Derrick Felt a sharp pain in his anal region, as he blundered on to his feet he felt his sphincter loosen excrement piled out of Derrick nether regions. it was like a waterfall but the waterfall wasn't made out of water instead it was made out of dark arse sprayin mayhem that looked pretty gangrenous.

Derrick then floundered his way to Libya splat fart the whole way there, Derrick finally made it to the internationally famous Libyan toilets that are made out of Ulaanbaatar donkey bone ceramic. As Derrick perched his derrière onto the piss ridden seat he hear all mighty parp from the cubicle on his left, following the parp some wonderful stench wafted towards Derricks nose. It was the most divine smell he had ever inhaled.
He suddenly started to reminisce about that fateful minute he spent with his mother, the smells, the taste , the touch. As he stopped reminiscing about his mother and the time he spent with her , he sprawled his way over to the cubicle on the left, he heard the noise of a bubbling liquid that he was certain he'd heard before. Derrick was angered by the remembrance of what his mother had done to him when he was a new born, he blasted his head into the cubicle door instantly shattering it into little splintering pieces of waxed polystyrene.
He couldn't believe what was sitting on that piss ridden Ulaanbaatar donkey bone ceramic toilet seat, Derrick started to feel a bit sad. It was his mother, smoking heroine and drinking liquidised cat shit. Derrick asked her why she discarded him as a child and as Derrick said that sentence his mother looked up at Derrick and said "WHo TheY bluDDy FUcK Is YOU CuNt". Derrick Felt even more saddened by what his mother had exclaimed he then followed on to slide his n\*gger cunt leather steel toed boots on and slammed his boots into his mother's face, instantly crushing her skull into tiny little bits of shit soaked bone fragments.

Derrick then unequipped his n\*gger cunt leather steel toed boots and carried on being barefoot and proud. He wandered his way out of the piss ridden unisex toilet; onto sandier pastures.
Derrick thinking back on the decimation of his mother he was for the first time in a long time happy, his face contorted into a rather paedophilic style smile he knew he had carried out what must've been done. As Derrick pranced around the exterior of the toilet hut he noticed a robed figure in his peripheral vision, Derrick felt on edge he instantly renounced his prancing and walked towards this robed fellow. But before Derrick could exclaim to the man, the man did a Nandedian Spinning Head Sit, instantly killing Derrick.

##### **THREE DAYS AFTER DEATH**

Thy sky was black with dread, thy ground shook with anger, and thunder and lighting ravaged thy Heath. Nog volunteers everywhere bellowed in despondency until thy eve of thy fourth day of derricks death; a decrepit smelly old cunt conveyed her way through thy swarming crowd of nogs that surrounded Derrick. She glanced at Derrick's smackhead-like body on thy floor, spread her flaps, and excreted a vague mixture of piss and yeast infection onto Derrick's unsuspecting and unconscious face. Derrick's eyes opened, and an expression of pain was vividly covering his face. He instantly sprouted off of thy floor into a up right power stance he thwacked thy decrepit old cunt with an Agadirian Anal Thwipple instantly proliferating her derriere. Derrick then foretasted that he should leave Libya; so he did.

##### **2 MONTHS LATER**

Derrick finally had traipsed all the way to Tajikistan from Libya. His feet bleeding and bruised Derrick decided to go and have a Tajiki moisturised foot bath. As he doused his tootsies into thy slightly tinged looking broth he felt a pinch on his easterly toe, Derrick was infuriated by the pain he felt so he swung his tootsies out of thy broth to inspect the damage. As Derrick inspected the easterly toe he realised what had pinched him, it was his arch-nemesis Baanguştarin. Derrick projected himself onto Baanguştarin, Baanguştarin's bones instantly shattering under Derricks unctuous body, Derrick proceeded to pull his pantaloons down to his weighty ankles and span his fastidious anus wide open, allowing the most substantial shit to cingulate all over Baanguştarin. Baanguştarin was asphyxiated by Derrick's faecal matter.

Derrick then saw a truly hearty steed hitched outside of a traditional Tajikistan ale house. Derrick then viewed his surroundings in a most manic manner, he realised nobody was peering in his direction. Derrick then saltated towards the red imbued horse ( which he later named Red Winston ). Derrick then precipitated onto the hearty stead and decided to canter in an weasterly direction.

##### **TEN HOURS LATER**

Derrick then found himself on a foggy moist heath. Suddenly a tainted silhouette perambulated out of thy darkness, Derrick unsheathed his primitively formed Sudanese sabre , he then exclaimed to the tainted silhouette "what the fuck are you fucking doing upon this fucking heath you cunt ?" The silhouette replied "Je suis sur cette sante en raison de l'imcompetence de vos meres".

Derrick attending thy annual and rowdy Cheese-Sandwich Tasting Festival.Ser Derrick Hashslinging.Derrick as he marches to thy Second Rather Mediocrely-Sized War of Barrow-In-Furness.Derrick during his sumo wrestling days.Derrick meets Robert Rhett at his summer home during Hitler's rise to power.A painting of Derrick at thy Barrow-In-Furness Municipal Library painted by Seaside Paul when he was 11 months old.Derrick in Barrow-In-Furness as a fourteen-year-old, shortly after catching a miscellaneous child's head in thy waters.Derrick shortly after being anointed Supreme Leader of NoristanDerrick and Noris Kneecap at thy International Jewish Basketball Convention.Derrick's mother in thy family bathroom.Derrick's father.Derrick colourised (1899)A recent photograph of Derrick (24th January 2019)Derrick as he ventured upon the construction of the Empire State Building.Derrick with his most famous and skilful painting. He painted this after he perambulated into Salvador Dali's house through the vents.Derrick arrives in Jerusalem.