Theodore Heilbronner

> "*The question remains a common theme among each and every person from the start of time to today: 'What am I destined for?' To imply you have one single calling is intellectually dishonest. I refuse to limit my destiny to a single chapter in a history book; every household object, military weapon, and nice shoe will have me to thank for it. I am responsible for the future, and you could be too, if you simply unlock your inventive potential. We are meant to use our brains: that is why I invented them to begin with.*" - Heilbronner, *The Ramses |2M| Operation Manual,* 1928
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**Doctor Theodore Heilbronner** (25 December 1864 - 28 December 1943) was a highly controversial German-American scientist, inventor, and lunatic, known for his unpredictable psychotic episodes, frequent tendency to become enthralled with specific and obscure professions, making several experimental inventions and innovations in a wide variety of fields before abandoning them entirely. Some of these include shoes, kites, surf boards, camouflage top hats made to "interest the finer gentlemen in the otherwise proletarian-dominated sport of hunting", accordions made to imitate the aesthetic of Polish Winged Hussar uniforms, spider clothes, glow-in-the-dark parachutes, novelty card decks, drums that played themselves, and Castile soaps, the latter of which would be picked up and greatly expanded on by his bastard son, Emanuel Bronner. Of his many hobbies, alchemy and shoemaking were the only two to persist through his entire life, and were the source of most of his income before and after his fourteen-year period as a freelance inventor under the Federalist Party. Though his name is frequently prefixed with "Dr.", he never received a formal education past age 16.

## Early Life

   Theodore Heilbronner was born 25 December 1864 in Heilbronn, a small family village in Germany. He received a homeschool education by a tutor until age 17, where he moved to Berlin to become a shoemaker's apprentice, likely due to his family struggling to manage finances is the rapidly changing German economy: many villages in southern Germany actively resisted industrialization, even at the risk of monetary sanctions imposed by the German imperial government. Though there is no record of Heilbronn resisting attempts by the imperial crown to enforce industrialization, it can be safely presumed due to the fact that Heilbronn would not build its first factory until 1927, after the Communist revolution had seen the monarchy abolished and enforced industrialization on villages much more harshly than the previous government.

### Foot Boots

While working as an apprentice in Berlin under professional shoemaker Frederick Schumacher, Heilbronner picked up on the craft with tremendous pace. In 1883, he would invent his first shoe, the *Foot Boot* (intended to be pronounced "*Füt Boot*", as Heilbronner spoke very poor English at the time of its conception), which was a high heel that had toes at the end, much in a way that a glove would have fingers. Heilbronner has expressed pride in his invention, claiming they "sold out within hours of going on the market": while this is true in the strictest sense, he had only created two pairs of Foot Boots, and had kept one for himself.

Despite describing Heilbronner's invention as "genuinely repulsive", Schumaker expressed admiration in the complexity of Heilbronner's creation: at the time, having movable toes at the ends of shoes was a radical idea. He gave Heilbronner a large bonus and raise, allowing Heilbronner to greatly aid his family in sustaining their village for the next two years.

## Shoe Castastrophy

On 28 December 1943, Dr. Heilbronner was listening to radio in his home when an advertisement for *Giovanni Sandwiches* aired. In the commercial, a stereotypical Italian requests a famous "Snake sandwich"; a nearby patron overhears him and teases, "A snake sandwich? You may as well eat a Heilbronner shoe!"

Theodore Heilbronner was immediately overcome with rage, lifting his heavy radio from the corner of the room and carrying it five steps before dropping it, causing it to break. His son, Emmanuel, overheard the ruckus and ran into the room to find his father panting and sweating heavily. Accordion to Emmaunel, Theodore went on to say, "Son, grab my camera: we're going to sink Latium."

   Not knowing what this meant, Emmanuel obliged, retrieving is father's camera from his room and loading it with film. Theodore then removed his left show and held it up to the camera, allowing his son to take a photograph before he attempted to eat the shoe whole. His son, shocked into stillness, neither tried to stop him, nor took a second photograph of the actual incident taking place. Immediately upon cramming the footwear down his throat, Theodore began to gag violently, and though his son then tried to help, it was too late: within seconds, Theodore Bronner had died; to make matters worse, after the news of Theodore's death had reached the international press, *Giovanni Sandwiches* came out with a commercial sequel in which a man simply gags into a microphone for twenty-five seconds before saying, "Eat at Giovanni Sandwiches: at least they don't kill you!"