The Jeremboah Wars

Creosotian forces struggle in the winter of 1890.

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The Jeremboah wars were a series of conflicts between France and The Independent Creosotian Republic fought between 1889-1897. Despite initial successes by the Creosotian forces under Commander Hudson, the wars were immensely costly to the newly formed republic, which was ground down by the superior French resources, resulting in a humiliating armistice which saw it pay an enormous sum in reparations.

The first (Great) Jeremboah war saw the Creosotian Republic's greatest successes, capturing and securing large segments of Northern France and even threatening Paris. However, it struggled to maintain this territory as France increased its war efforts nationally, bringing great military force to bear which far exceeded that of the Creosotian Republic. After a particularly bitter campaign in the winter of 1891, a truce was made and Creosote withdrew his armies from France in exchange for £800,000 and 10 ships of champagne. This began the period known as the 'Phoney Jeremboah War', which saw the countries rival each other imperially and maintain incredibly unfriendly relations, with a minor crisis threatening to reignite the war.

President Creosote's imperial ambitions and attempts to hold the Republic together led to the Final Jeremboah War, which saw another invasion of France, initially failing but being retrieved to see a substantial segment of Northern France again under occupation. However, this was thrown off within a few months and by 1896 the tide of the war had turned decisively against the Creosotian Republic. With a 1897 French invasion pending, Britain prepared to occupy the Creosotian Republic to prevent it, which would have meant the dissolution of Creosote's project. on the 1st June 1897 The Creosotian Republic surrendered.

After paying reparations to France, the Creosotian Republic was left bankrupt, without an empire and with no international allies. The project continued until the end of the year before it was re-absorbed into Britain.

## Context

From the start of the Creosotian formation in 1886 its diplomatic tensions with France were poor, largely due to a leaked telegram from President Creosote himself asking for a military opinion on the annexing of Calais for a "bettah base of operations". While this was rejected within the Creosotian administration itself and followed up with a swift apology to the French embassy, it was not forgotten.

Tensions were next raised over Creosote's champagne refinery in Bordeaux, where the French authorities threatened to seize the property after the infamous "babble trabble" explosions of 1888 which killed 50 people. A series of similar accidents across Creosote's champagne sites caused the French to believe his brewing process was to blame. President Creosote instantly sent a belligerent letter directly to French President Marie François Sadi Carnot, exclaiming they "would do no such thing", going on to threaten a trade embargo. Reportedly the arrival of this letter caused raucous laughter in the French court, and Creosote was scolded heavily by his own advisers, including military Commander Hudson, head of the imperial armies of the country, for his brash action.

Nevertheless Creosote and his advisers, including Hudson, shared a passionate loathing for the "frogs" and by January 1889 were spoiling for a fight, with increasing saber-rattling from both sides of the English channel making war seem imminent. Most of the Creosotian government saw it as an opportunity to establish their nation as a more serious force in global affairs, despite its being seen by many as nothing more than a "bloated county" in Southern England.

## The Great Jeremboah War (1889 - 1891)

In September 1889 France offered a final ultimatum to the Creostian Republic, asking it to cease hostilities and end its "dangerous" production of Creosote's famed Jeremboah label within France. If this was not met France would declare war. Upon receiving this message, President Creosote promptly declared war on France.

Unlike France, the Creosotian Rep. had been in preparation for some time, amassing resources and preparing soldiers for an invasion by sea. Within just weeks of the declaration of war, a Creosotian Armada set sail across the channel, carrying some 20,000 soldiers. Its primary target was Calais and its surrounding coastline. The well disciplined forces landed in the early hours of the morning virtually undetected until the last minute, and thanks to meticulous planning and French disorganization, they had Calais under full control within two days.

Commander Hudson was hailed a national hero for this victory, with "Hudson Day" running on September the 20th from then on. With the last of the summer warmth still in the air, the well provisioned Creosotian forces were in extremely good spirits as they fought into the French countryside, capturing the town of Saint-Omer on September 25th. From there the army charged onward, with Belgium's assured neutrality allowing them to spread out in the north of the country.

After a consolidation of his initial position, Hudson organised a series of offensives in December 1889 in coordination with the Creosotian Navy to push southwards along the coast, capturing Le Havre by late January 1890 amid bitter fighting. Once more Hudson's tactical prowess received much praise and prompted President Creosote's arrival on French soil in February to inspect his Commander's progress.

   The French government was infuriated by Hudson's gains, initially believing the situation would resolve itself, they were still on the back foot by early 1890, desperately mobilizing forces from the south to prevent an attack on Paris. In late February they threw a significant force against the Creosotian supply line along the coast, in an attempt to cut the army in two, in what became "The Battle of the Bottles", so named because President Creosote claimed he witnessed his personal bottle wagons halt a line of French cavalry at a crucial moment in the chaos. The battle saw the French repelled with ease largely thanks to the efforts of Sergeant Major Taft, who successfully organized the defense around a nearby hill and misled the enemy by keeping some supply wagons moving to give the impression they were still unawares of the impending attack. This event alone saw his swift promotion to General.

Despite these good fortunes, Commander Hudson knew it could not last for long. Soon, the French would bring in enough men from around the country to completely annihilate the Creosotian army. After fending off a few more French attacks in March, a full scale offensive to push down the coast further was launched on 1st April 1890. The timing pleased President Creosote immensely, who called it "a hell of an April Fools!". Indeed, the massive bombardment from the superior Creosotian "70 Pounder" cannons saw rapid progress, with pincer movements by Hudson to encircle pockets of French soldiers. Such prisoners were notably shocked by the sucess of their enemy, exclaiming "they'll be in Paris before Christmas!". This offensive concluded with the full capture of Normandy and the Cotentin Peninsuala.

The next and final Creostian offensive took place in July, a truly massive push to Paris. It had been preceded with a steady push Southwards towards the capital, largely ignored by the French who rushed to the coast after the Cotentin was captured, fearing a similar situation to the 100 years war, where the Anglo invader occupied Brittany with ease. The July offensive saw Hudson punch South from two directions simultaneously, one to reach the west of Paris, and the other to the east. Progress by this stage was incredibly slow, as the far larger numbers of the French were able to hold off the invader for far longer than earlier in the war. It soon became apparent the offensive from the west was going to reach the city first, due largely to the eastern half had to expend far more energy repelling attacks from its massive exposed flank. By September 1890, Creosotian cannons were heard on the outskirts of Paris, causing panic among the population, who feared at any moment they would see the enormous President Creosote himself jiggling in his carriage down on of their cobbled streets to claim his prize.

   While many in the French government wanted to surrender in a debate on the 12th September, just over a year after they issued the declaration which began the war, others pointed out logistics were beginning to catch up with the Creosotian Republic. Its army's supply lines were stretched and it was increasingly struggling to maintain its wide fronts it'd created with the numbers it had. What's more, documents had emerged showing President Creosote was having to finance parts of the war effort out of his own personal funds, a sure sign the Creosotian Treasury was struggling under the strain. The decision was taken to simply fortify Paris and wait for the remaining forces to arrive from the South to relieve them.

By October 1890, amid increasing resistance and buckling supply lines, Creosotian forces ground to a halt completely. Hudson argued desperately with President Creosote that if only he were allowed to withdraw the large numbers of soldiers from the Cotentin Peninsula he could use them to mount a final full scale offensive on Paris before the year's end. But Creosote was adamant that the Peninsula was to be held as an "impressive trophy", insisting that with a little more determination would overcome the current predicament. From his comfortable position in his battle tent, with a glass of champagne in one hand as he surveyed the map of his progress the vast amount of Northern France notionally controlled by his country, he commented that it wouldn't be long before he had "the whole thing".

The tables turned rapidly in the winter of 1890, as a large number of Creosotian forces had arrived after the first winter and will badly provisioned for such conditions. They were entirely beaten away from Paris in a series of November counterattacks, and forced to retreat further north due to a general collapse in discipline and inability to re-establish a front line. Finally, a battle at Beauvais shortly before Christmas was able to halt the French, as General Taft pulled together enough scattered forces to mount a defense. The expected comments from the President that this was some sort of "Christmas present come early" never came, for even Creosote himself could recognize the disaster which had occurred, and could see winning the war was now near-impossible.

Nevertheless, the French faced a difficult task themselves in evicting their new arrivals. The Creosotian army remained well equipped via the trans-channel supply route from home, shipping in tonnes of food and weapons by the hour in Calais. Thanks to their high level of organization and discipline even probing attacks were costly to the French army which had largely been called up from civilians, with much of its regular army overseas in imperial engagements, along with its navy. As a result, the Creosotian navy reigned supreme over the coasts, and would often bombard coastal towns further South in the country to cause distraction. Throughout the spring of 1891 fighting was contained mostly to probing attacks by the French on the over-extended Creosotian front, pushing where they believed was the weakest, though with little results as the line held firm.

Due to the failure of this tactic, and amid anger from their population that this occupation had been allowed to go on far too long considering the country they were up against, the French drew up plans for a great punch to the West to free up the Cotentin Peninsula, putting them closer to a recapture of Le Havre, where from they could launch naval attacks on The Creosotian homeland. The increasing French forces in this area of the country did not go unnoticed by scouts, and Hudson argued once again to abandon the region. While Creosote again refused, he did allow a contingency plan to be drawn up wherein soldiers could be evacuated from the Peninsula in the case of a French breakthrough. Hudson implemented this as a near certainty.

The French began their assault on 2nd of May 1891, smashing through the Creosotian lines with superior numbers and forcing them back towards the coast. While the Creosotian northern flank held firm, Hudson's assurance of the ships waiting to ferry the troops further south off the Peninsula and further north up the coast had a demoralizing effect. Depsite this and the numerical odds, the Creosotian army was able to hold the Cotentin Peninsula for another month, until they began a large scale evacuation from coastal towns. Supporting bombardment from the navy meant they could often hold coastal towns for considerable time more, as the French were kept at bay by, ironically, the enormous Jeremboah Cannon, named after the Presidents favorite drink.

It was late July before the French had fully re-captured the Cotentin Peninsula, and at a far higher cost of men and munitions than their invaders. What's more, the fact almost all of the Creosotian army had escaped and were now helping fortify Le Havre meant the re-taking of that most important town would be even more of an undertaking. As was anticipated by Hudson, the result was the French diverting much of their efforts into weakening the Creosotian lines at the northeast of the country. In order to prolong the war, Hudson withdrew much of his troops from the east, as the land amounted to little strategic value in the current situation. The resulting territorial loss infuriated President Creosote, who accused Hudson of "giving away all our ill gotten gains", he set sail back to The Creosotian Republic within a few days, claiming he would return once Hudson had "sorted everything out".

It was thanks to this action by Hudson that he was able to hold on until September, as he now had a far smaller line to hold and had his troops dig in in preparation for winter. By now many citizens in northern France had been under occupation for an entire two years, and were becoming increasingly co-operative. A report from 28th September 1891 from the Creosotian Administration of Civil Affairs found levels of sabotage for the last month were at an all time low, and donations of food from local farmers to passing soldiers were common. Thanks to Creosotian economic policy the taxes were actually less than under the French government at the time, and crimes by Creosotian soldiers against civilians were rare and in any case heavily punished.

Finally, the French began a vicious assault on Le Havre in mid-October, throwing waves of soldiers against the town's defenses. Hudson oversaw the defense of the town personally, being well aware of its moral significance. While the Creosotian navy was able to massively aid the effort, it was increasingly having to fight off the French navy which had been steadily brought back throughout 1891. With the battle of Le Havre still raging on 4th November, a massive naval engagement took place 20 miles off the coast which saw the French regain superiority of the sea. The enormous losses of the very Creosotian ships which had taken the republic's men across the channel dealt a serious blow to morale, and weakened the desire of both Hudson and Creosote to continue to war for much longer.

Hudson remained besieged in Le Havre, now under naval bombardment as well as being pushed by an estimated 40,000 French soldiers on land. Despite the his dire situation, the news from now-Commander Taft was encouraging, he was still holding up well to the east, and they were just about still maintaining a supply line to Calais, despite the increased French naval presence. There were even a few optimistic plans arriving from the Creosotian War Cabinet for ramping up weapons production, regaining naval control and beginning new offensives in the south come Spring 1892 via the Mediterranean. It was largely this vague hope which allowed Hudson to impossibly cling on in Le Havre even as the snows fell and the Christmas decorations lit up house windows in December.

Little did he know the French government had decided on the 5th December to aim for a halt to the war by any means possible before Christmas, even if it meant a truce and payments to the Republic, which it calculated to be more cost efficient than drawing out the war into the next year. They sent an envoy to Hudson in the next week, explaining their interests in a peace option. Cunningly, Hudson made out throughout this meeting that it was still an easy option from him to continue the war, boasting of large winter provisions, secret new weapons and the immensely fortified state of towns further north. In reality, only Calais was defended in this way, prepared for a last ditch transformation into Creosotian garrison to retain a foothold in the country. However, he succeeded in giving the French the impression only a large payment would have them leave.

Inevitably, President Creosote had to be messaged and persuaded in the days after, with Hudson desperately arranging the famous 10 ships of champagne as part of France's payment, liaising between the baffled French diplomats and his insufferable superior to work out the correct amount. On Christmas Day 1891, Hudson signed the peace agreement in Paris, promising to withdraw Creosotian soliders by 5th January in return for £800,000, 40 gold bars and 10 ships loaded with the finest champagne. A further 4 ships were reluctantly sent after complaints the champagne was "off".

This agreement had transformed the losses of the last year into an overall victory for The Creosotian Republic, with the payment making it considerably richer despite causing some temporary inflation on the Creosotian Stock Exchange. It also strengthened its global prestige and embarrassed France.

## The Phoney Jeremboah War (1892 - 1895)

The so called "Phoney Jeremboah War" was a general tension directly following the Creosotian forces leaving France in early January 1892, and lasting until it boiled over into the Final Jeremboah War in April 1895. France attempted to regain some of its reputation and national confidence in these years, while the Creosotian Republic continued its imperial conquests and challenged French power in doing so.

For most of 1892 both nations settled and rebuilt after the devastation of the war, with many historic French towns badly damaged after being contested for months on end, and significant casualties on both sides. While French losses were far higher (estimated to be around 45,000) the comparably smaller Creosotian losses (around 20,000) were a far greater cost due to the country's smaller population. This meant while the Republic felt much triumph in is successes there was a lack of will among the population and its politicians to embark on further conflicts for some time after. This reticence for further conflict is what prevented the Algeria fiasco from boiling into war, where President Creosote led his own hunting party into French Algeria from his holiday encampment in neighboring Morocco, on 21st June 1891. He spent some weeks poaching various animals before being discovered by the authorities, this was taken as a personal insult to France and he was imprisoned and fined for his misdeeds.

When news of this reached his homeland an exasperated Commander in Chief Hudson had to prevent another war being declared by the cabinet, instead agreeing with the French on Creosote's release after a period of some weeks. A series of angry letters from the President in his cell concerned Hudson, who rapidly set sail to meet his superior and talk him down from declaring another war. He ensured to bring a tremendous amount of champagne and food, and received a starved and sweating Creosote from his prison in Algeria in person. He presented him with chilled champagne and a plethora home comforts, and had the president taken into a shaded tent to collapse on a sofa and fanned by servants. It was said by observers Creosote was so relieved to have been done with his punishment, and convinced by Hudson the ordeal would make a fine populist tale for him back home, that he openly exclaimed "Bugger it....get em back anothah day.".

As Winter closed once more in 1892 President Creosote became preoccupied with his empire, constantly asking where it could be expanded. He was especially irritated by the size of the French colonial empire on a map when set beside his "scraps and blots" of Creosotian territory scattered across Northern Africa and the Middle East. Hudson repeatedly had to explain in some exasperation that imperial expansion was difficult in the face of the French and British Empires, and would likely be so costly they'd never see any "returns". It emerged around this time that Commander Taft intended to use his immense public popularity from his war record to run as a rival to Creosote in the first - and long overdue - national election of May 1893. Contrary to Creosote, his foreign policy was geared towards peace, avoiding any further conflicts with France while hinting at giving away some overseas territories, arguing they were a "ridiculous drain" on the still fledgling Republic's resources. He announced his leadership bid under his own name at the turn of the New Year and attracted large crowds to with his subsequent public speeches, which concerned President Creosote tremendously.

While Taft may have been a military genius, Hudson recognized many of his political policies were naive and lacking in substance. The truth was that the Creosotian Republic *did* rely on its various colonies an immense amount for its moderate global influence, since they were strategically placed to cause all sorts of strife to any of the larger global powers. He even argued that without them the Republic could not sustain itself. Taft believed Hudson's "attachment" to the empire lay in the fact he had helped Creosote form it through the Creosotian Trading Company in the late 1870s. This claim was dismissed as "cobblers". President Creosote himself was delighted to see this animosity between the two former colleagues, who he had feared could lead a successful campaign against him were their ambitions aligned against his. This wasn't lost of Taft or Hudson, who held a series of private meetings in March in hopes of coming to some understanding, and preventing harm to a Republic which both men still very much believed in at the time. Finally, it was agreed Taft would stand down from his leadership bid to prevent national division, in return Hudson promised no more expansionist policies, and both agreed to prevent another war with France at all costs.

Taft joined the Creosotian Party as Minister for defense, and during the election spoke in favor of the party and its previous years in government. While this disgruntled many who subsequently refused to vote for the party despite his backing, referring to him as a "Judas", many more were won over by his ability to change the government's policy and on 10th May 1893 Creosote was re-elected with a 93% majority vote. Unfortunately the President decided this was a mandate by the people for him to embark on all of his personal whims, including his want for a larger empire. In the increasing rows between him and cabinet over the next few months, he would repeatedly bellow "Ah was democratically elected bah the people to do these things", completely obvious to the fact Taft had won over so many of his voters to the Creosotian Party by transforming its foreign policy to one of peace. He was angered by the well-groomed Taft seated opposite him the cabinet room, some 10 years his junior, setting out the horrendous costs of imperial wars in lives and money so harshly it caused the President shake his head violently and bellow "rubbish!". The rows over this matter mounted throughout Summer 1893, Creosote being massively encouraged by his continued personal popularity and a recent spell of prosperity for the Creosotian Republic, which had seen an average 9% increase in personal wealth of its citizens between 1892 and 1893.

Unhappy with the 'pace of imperial expansion' and continued opposition to conflict from both Taft and Hudson, Creosote began plans with some of his more subservient advisers, in particular the sycophantic Eugene Kempf - whom Hudson once described as 'a plump obsequious rat, supposedly only half kraut but carrying all their ill habits in one being' - in order to find away of 'getting around' these two popular party figures. The resulting ruse was badly disguised and both Hudson and Taft swiftly cottoned on to its true purpose; to get the pair out of the country in order of Creosote to make war preparations. They were ordered to undertake a 'world tour' where they would visit all corners of the Creosotian Empire, something which could take half a year depending on weather conditions at sea. The two were bundled off in Autumn of 1893, setting sail for Siam, where the empire possessed a meagre foothold in the form of a collection of coastal towns in the province of Rayong. This first stop was deliberate, as it put maximum distance between the two men and The Republic. Taft and Hudson did what they could in the mere days they had to take action, and encouraged their friends in high places to hold the line and oppose conflict.

Hudson and Taft would not arrive in Siam until December of 1893, and by this stage Creosote was well into his war preparations. He proposed an outright invasion of French Algeria, having not forgotten the Algeria Fiasco of last year, and was encouraged by an inner circle of sycophants and war profiteers. Such plans were put on hold as he fell into the Christmas spirit, a stroke of luck for the remaining supporters of peace in his government. Much of the president's energy was directed into holding "a better Christmas than the Brits or the Frogs", through enormous Christmas trees in public places, and a state-funded initiative to bring presents to the homes of impoverished children. This saw some 30,000 deliveries go out via the central postage service, while not much - usually a small ration of chocolate or a a very small toy figure - it is cited by many as one of the most warm and redeeming actions taken by President Creosote in his time. However, this would not prevent him sending a message to the French President Jean Casimir-Perier, gloating on the anniversary of victory in the First Jeremboah War, infuriating many in the French government and contributing to a general desire for revenge for the events of 1891.

Meanwhile, Hudson and Taft attempted to befriend bemused locals in the East, feeling somewhat helpless. However, on one walk in the local jungle Hudson took a keen interest in the local geography, after pacing about for some time and making crude surveys of the land with binoculars and measuring tape, he turned to Taft and exclaimed "its quite ripe for expansion here!". The following day he ordered up half of the soldiers from the Creosotian garrison and established a basic post some 20 miles North of the existing one. Only with the maps laid out in the evening with a bottle of port weighing down one corner, was the true plan revealed. Hudson explained increased influence in the area could be used to put more pressure on French territories such as Cambodia and Vietnam. Taft approved of the idea, and also suggested using the areas captured as a small penal colony, since the Republic still suffered from a lack of prisons. Word was sent to President Creosote, described as receiving the message in his pyjamas some time after New Years, with a brandy in one hand and the letter in the other, he beamed and said the pair "had come round". He ordered the swift return of the two, much to their relief, in order to bestow them with honours and "get underway with more expansion".

From this point forward Taft and Hudson's primary goals were to maintain a low level of expansion in Siam, enough to please their superior but not enough to risk war with France, they also insistently distracted him from his "North African fantasies", with updates on the eastern progress. While this development displeased France, the first warning actually came from the British, who disliked the republic taking advantage of what they'd hoped would be a buffer state between British India and Burma (created the year before) and French Indochina. Finally, Hudson acquired Papa New Guinea from Germany in Spring 1894 on a 7 year lease, leading to much joviality within the Creosotian Republic and government with a feeling "things were very much on the up". The optimism of 1894 was further bolstered by the Angola Adventure, which was well received by the public and President Creosote. The event also marked the height of George Hudson's political power during The Republic, with some of his supporters even speculating he might soon succeed the more bumbling Creosote.

The mood was swiftly offset by mounting rows within the Creosotian Central Comittee and the wider Creosotian Party, whose membership had swelled to over 1 million due to the 'Holiday Bursary' subsizing ferries to the contient for all members, causing confusion about the party's actual popularity. The 1894 summer conference in Brighton - an attempt by Creosote to unify the party - quickly became bogged down in arguments over trade policy and factionalism. Hudson was still desperately pushing for democratic reforms which would allow for a popular ousting of Creosote in the event of him calling for another war, but his speeches were waylaid by suspciously timed the arrival of complimentary champagne at the hotel bar. Creosote became personally convinced a war could unify the government and bring his loyal commander Hudson back onboard, and was infuriated when Taft's 'Era of Peace' speech was received to thunderous applause at the Brighton Hotel.

Meanwhile, Creosote increased military funding through hidden channels with suprising cunning considering his reputation for incompetance and blunder. He increased the Creosotian Army to 250,000 by late 1894, and had several modern warships under construction. The secrecy this was facilitated by the Creosotian Bureaucracy's endlessly confusing stock titles and extra departments, including at least 57 public bodies for the regulation of champagne (allowed for as an eccentricity of the president), many of which were used to smuggle through the military developments. Despite this, Creosote made friendly political overtures towards, France, in September removing the last of the embargo and opening up the two countries for healthy trade. France greeted the decision with hostility and suspcion, and intial merchant vessels arriving in France underwent military inspection. Minister Taft made a tremendous show of the comparative friendliness of the greeting French vessels recieved in the Creosotian Republic, being photographed welcoming captains with bottles of wine in Dover.

By late 1894 Hudson sounded the alarm about the numbers of new German immigrants arriving in the Creosotian Republic, largely male, middle-aged and often hung with medals from the Franco-Prussian War, they appeared to be drawn by the prospect of fighting the French. Such was the migration that a suburb of one market town was being referred to as 'Jerry Town', for its concentration of Germans. President Creosote responded with jokes such as, 'lets all go down to jerry town!', when the issue was raised. Hudson's primary concern was the increasing Germanification of government policy, with Prussian Junkers and aristocrats regularly coming over to donate to the party for its anti-French history. Creosote in turn was complacent, and happy to receive the moneys and champagne, despite his rantings about 'sodded huns' some years earlier, he now cited his supposed 2nd Cousin Von Creosoten, who's schloss was converted into a military base and staging ground for the Great War, as evidence of his 'German linkage'

However, it would be this peace gesture which would reignite hostilities. Creosote's champagne label had been unofficially banned in France since 1889, since nobody would buy or sell it under the impression it was quite literally *financer l'ennemi* (financing the enemy). Approximately 50 bottles arrived in Calais from Dover on 22nd February 1895 amid a larger shipment of other drinks and were seized by pettifogging port officials. The ship's captain pressed his case that this was a legal import, and when taken higher up the chain of command the French officials discovered there was indeed no law on the books against the champagne. The day-long spectacle caught the attention of the French locals, and a mob quickly formed at the docks, threatening to throw the champagne back into the sea. There were particularly spurred on by Herbert Bernard, a prominent journalist who had been the editor of *la ligne de front* (on the front line), a highly popular paper during the First Jeremboah War which had made him exceedingly wealthy. Keen to escalate tensions to revive the paper - which had sunk into unfocused xenophobia - he claimed the champagne had been sent 'by Creosote personally' as 'an insult to France'. Furthermore, he promised to buy the champagne himself 'just to smash each bottle'. The mob took care of this for him, by breaking into the waterfront (likely assisted by port staff themselves) and dumping the crates into the ocean.

Back in the Creosotian Capital of Cantebury, the President was readying himself for a night at the proms in 'Hudson Hall' when the news hit. Enraged, he demanded a convoy set sail for Calais to ensure the Dover crew were safe. A few hours later, the crew had been recovered, but there were reports of shots fired from the French at 'our boys'. Worse, a few private vessels of drunken Frenchmen had arrived at Dover and were starting fights and attempting to destroy more champagne reserves. Despite no official declaration of war from France, the President raved that these actions were likely 'probing attacks for an invasion!'. From his box at the proms, as the Republic's favourite comedian Freddie Crews dropped his final punchline, 'I've been looking for my stepmother's killer for 5 years, but I still can't find someone who wants to do it!', the President roared in between reports from his advisors. As the curtain dropped to massive applause, he gave the order to bombard Calais. Hudson looked on in earnest from his seat across the auditorium, with no idea his superior had just kickstarted another War.

## The Final Jeremboah War (1895 - 1897)

The ensuing action by the Creosotian Navy was meagre. Knowing of Calais' new portside cannons, and the presence of French naval ships in the channel, the Creostian Admiralty set about to put on a good show without risking any major ships. It sent 'half a dozen small vessels', flying no colours until they drew in firing distance of the port, with orders to fire for just 'a few minutes' before attempting to turn back. They travelled a great distance apart to avoid detection, and one was stopped by the French 8 miles from the coast, confiscated of their weapons and simply told to turn back. Word was gotten back to Calais well before the other Creosotian ships arrived, evacuations were ordered, valuables removed from the docks and crews manned the land cannons. Just 3 to 4 ships were reported by the French to have fired on Calais, managing to rip through several buildings and cause a considerable panic among the populace. However, one ship was sunk almost immediately, the remainder fled within minutes after sustaining great damage.

Creosote appeared before his parliament the following day to announce he had ordered a 'brilliant surprise night time obliteration of that frog-packed port'. In turn, mutual declarations of war were issued. The Republic readied itself for French retaliation, but it never came. It emerged that the French anticipated the Republic's inevitable invasion, fortifying its coast with the intent of inflicting massive casualties on any landing force.

## Aftermath

The effect of both wars had been to severely shorten the lifespan of the Creostian Republic, and many historians now argue the nation's downfall was assured as early as Creosote's first 1889 declaration of war. The ordeal strengthened France as it headed into the 20th century, now with even less opposition to its expansions in Africa.