FILE 19. The Anxiety of the Trees

(radio static)

*Mayfield & Belov presents: Camp Here & There*

*Episode 19: The Anxiety of the Trees*

(opening theme)

(the intercom clicks on)

SYDNEY

Hi, campers. Hope you’re all well-rested, and that your nightmares were… nothing like mine. The time is 8:60 AM and the sky is a noble green, like the stems which sprout from my fingertips. It’s been happening more often, this past week… hahhh. It’s actually making some of my fingernails crack. Like weeds choking out endemic life… heh.

Speaking of weeds! The campgrounds are starting to look quite unruly, aren’t they? Normally, tending to the grounds is Soren’s job — he actually pays Lucille quite a bit for the privilege — but, of course, Soren is still under Cabin Arrest after… all that. So now we’ve got boysenberry ivy growing up the cabin walls, trees growing upside-down and flagrantly displaying their roots, and 7 different species of colorful psychotropic mold engaged in a territorial war for the sports field. There’s no official guidebook on how to run this camp, but if there was, it would almost certainly say that at least those trees are seriously out of line. Like, put those things away! There are kids here!

Anyway, that’s got to be taken care of, so Counselor Fennel has decided to put the “fun” back in “*funnnnn*-damental principles of horticulture” by hosting another camp-wide contest! Because those have gone so well in the past… [AHEM] Whichever cabin collects the most uprooted weeds gets last pick at the dinner table tonight, surely an enticing prize for the indecisive among you. Re-rooted trees are worth 100 points!

Finally, ah, speaking of Soren… recent sightings of undead animals in the vicinity of the camp have lead me to believe that Soren’s altar in the forest is still quite active, despite Soren’s inability to access it. In particular, you kids are probably aware of the headless dog which, practically all last night, was perched upon the roof of Cabin Silkworm and emitting an eerie whistle from its neckstump which appeared to be a stunted howl. Then, this morning, it leapt to the ground and greeted the sleepy campers as they exited the cabin, entreating them to play fetch with a tennis ball that it somehow had lodged in its yawning throat cavity.

As kitschy and suburban as this sight may be, it’s also — say it with me — *wildly illegal*! So Lucille has ordered me to trek out to the depths of the forest and dismantle that stone labyrinth. I’m not strong enough to do it on my own, so I’d really appreciate it if some of you could join me on this little field trip and lend a hand. And, hey, you might get a little bit of an education in antimagic!

Of course, I asked Jedidiah to come along, and of course, he said no. *Apparently* he has someone he’s meeting with today. However, another one of my coworkers volunteered to join me in his stead… so. Counselor Joshua. Listen to me closely, now. If you so much as behave — in ANY discernable way — I will send you marching back to camp with your head hung low. And so help me God, if a single child is injured under your supervision I will shove open staples into every pair of pants you own.

News bulletin, by the way: the counselors’ petition to have the Good Advice Unicorn renamed to the Bad Advice Unicorn, on the grounds that its advice has now landed several members of camp staff deep in debt, has been rejected. Speaking in its own defense, everyone’s favorite eloquent equine informed us that the quality of “advice” is unmeasurable and subjective, and it’s therefore impossible to precisely label him within the confines of the English language. Furthermore, since there’s no point even trying to be objective about his title, we should go ahead and change his name to the Splendid Advice Unicorn, or something along those lines. What-ho! Yet another display of sound reasoning from the Splendid Advice Unicorn.

Alright. Today’s breakfast menu is a frog dipped in chocolate and served as a toad. Vegans get synthetic toad, specially engineered to taste remarkably like frog. Campers, if you’re interested in coming with me today, please meet me behind the cafeteria building at the end of breakfast. Enjoy your meal, kids.

(the intercom clicks off)

(intermission music)

JEDIDIAH

[SIGH] Hi. Um, Jedidiah here. Uh. Y- You all know me but, uh, some of you might not be too familiar with me, I- I kind of keep to myself. I — I-I-I’m one of the nurses here. Co-nurse. Well… assistant nurse. I — I- I help Sydney. S-Sometimes.

Anyway, I… hmph. I- I’m pretty sure all of you are aware of- of what’s going on in camp right now. Except you, Johnson. Know how you like your sleep. [WISTFUL CHUCKLE] Ahh, Old Montgomery Johnson. They say he took a nap in his bunk on the very first day of camp, many decades ago, and since then no one’s had the heart to wake him up. They say he’s still having the same dream. Hm. Must be a good one. [LIGHT CHUCKLE] It’s- y’know it’s probably loads better than this [CHUCKLE] BAFFLING NIGHTMARE that we are all *constantly* living! Haha. Heh.

[HE SWALLOWS, THEN CONTINUES.] Uh,  I… huh, um, so, speaking of, um, the living nightmare, um, just an update. Uh, no one has made any progress on the trees. No one has any idea what we did to make the trees freak out and form an impenetrable lattice of interlocking boughs around the camp. No one has figured out how thick the branch barrier is, and no one has managed to overcome it by climbing the trees or hacking at them. Lucille might’ve figured out a magical solution by now if she weren’t, um, a-a-as you’re all aware, um, otherwise occupied… but, as it stands, nothing can get into camp and nothing can get out.

This means that Sydney, Joshua, and the nine campers who went with them are trapped outside the camp, and a few special… “guests…” are trapped inside the camp.

TONY 1

Eyy, kiddos!

TONY 2

Eat yer greens!

JEDIDIAH

We are, working on finding the best way to tear that wall down, but, u-until then, you kids just, um, sit tight. I guess…

[SIGH] Uh- I’m sorry, kids. I — I should’ve stopped Fennel from doing that yard work thing. I should’ve known that y’all would find Lucille’s secret plant and that she would freak. And uh — ugh! — I should *not* have let Sydney take Joshua out there. I *told* him it would be a disaster! I’m sure Joshua stepped on the wrong vine and- and woke some giant arachnid from its slumber of centuries, or something.

[THERE IS A LOUD CLATTERING SOUND OF SOMETHING HITTING THE WALL; JEDIDIAH YELPS IN ALARM]

JEDIDIAH

Ehh!??!?

TONY 1

Don’t go shiftin’ the blame, ya quack!

TONY 2

This wouldn’a happened if you’d gone with ‘em!

JEDIDIAH

I- I- I had to meet with the two of you!

TONY 1

Some things’re more important than keepin’ yer appointments.

TONY 2

Like love.

TONY 1

Like love!

TONY 2

We coulda waited.

TONY 1

Ex*act*ly.

(All three begin talking over each other)

JEDIDIAH

I- I- I- I couldn’t just —

TONY 1

What?

JEDIDIAH

Well —

TONY 2

So?

JEDIDIAH

I- I- I mean — maybe, I —

TONY 2

Maybe- maybe what?

JEDIDIAH:

— guess, but —

TONY 1

Come on!

JEDIDIAH

Y- I- I- had to —

TONY 2

Had to?

JEDIDIAH:

No, —

TONY 2

Had to, had to?

JEDIDIAH

No! I- I’m doing good for Sydney by —

TONY 1

Spit it out!

JEDIDIAH

Ugh, we can’t talk about this in front of the kids! J-Jesus, we’ll — stress them out.

TONY 2

Ah, heh, the kids.

TONY 1

Watcha gonna tell ‘em, then? “Everything’s gonna be okay?”

TONY 2

“Oouuhh, don’t worry, kids! I got a super magical safe installed to protect my precious, stupid diary, (TONY 1 LAUGHS) so there’s no need to worry about all your friends trapped in the forest!” (HE LAUGHS)

TONY 1

Ya quack.

TONY 2

Augh.

JEDIDIAH

You! are! deliverymen! Why are you so obsessed with — offering commentary on my life?

TONY 1

We just calls it, like we sees it!

TONY 2

Couldn’t’a said it better myself.

JEDIDIAH

(EXASPERATED SIGH) Go — call it… somewhere else, I need to finish this. The kids don’t get to eat until these announcements are over.

TONY 1

Fine, then. Ciao.

TONY 2

So’s those kids can chow.

TONY 1

But soon as you’re done in there…!

TONY 2

K-chrrk.

TONY 1

Y’gettin’ whacked!

JEDIDIAH

…Are you — are you saying you’re going to kill me?

TONY 1

It’s just a metaphor, kid, no need.

TONY 2

Jesus, kid, pick up on a rhetoric.

TONY 1

Yeah. The rhe… the what?

TONY 2

Rhetoric, Tony.

TONY 1

The hell is “rhetoric?”

TONY 2

Words employed to deliberately imply a meaning distinct from the literal interpretation.

TONY 1

Stop cursing at me.

[The Tonies leave and the door closes]

JEDIDIAH

[SIGH] …Anyway… I’ll let you all go, I guess. Sorry again about the Lucille thing. I’ll try to, um, uh, refocus her energy onto this… tree problem.

Okay, let’s see, um —

For lunch, uh… well, okay Sydney wrote here in his notes, um, “DON’T MENTION THE MARSHMALLOWS.” So… I mean maybe lunch is marshmallows… but it- it’s supposed to be a surprise? Or, uh like, um… I- I- I don’t know, it doesn’t say anything else, uh. Okay, wait. Okay, here! There’s. Uh, okay, the corner of the page says “get a corn doggie,” which, might mean that you kids are having corn dogs, but he…  he might’ve…  just meant, a dog, with, y’know. Corn. Um. On it, or- or something. He, he drew a little doodle of a… a dog on the cob… so. Um.

Well, you guys are in the lunchroom, so, you probably know what you’re having. Um, enjoy it, and all.

Some of today’s activities have been canceled, of course, due to our situation. But we can still play spider soccer! [SARCASTICALLY] Whew.

[SIGH] Christ. Okay. Have… a good… um, yeah. Goodbye.

(the intercom clicks off)

(intermission music)

(the intercom clicks on)

SYDNEY

Greetings, campers, and welcome to dinnertime! It’s 19:04 PM and it seems the sky knows it, based on the glittering emerald carpet it’s draped over us. It’s a beautiful evening for all of us to be together again.

I’ll admit, I was terribly worried, at first, that we may never make it back to camp! We were halfway through dismantling and de-magicking Soren’s hopes and dreams — I mean, his morally dubious shrine to a highly illegal art — when I sensed a strange agitation in the air. Before I could interpret the sensation, a great rumbling came, shaking Earth and sky disrupting our progress and our footing. The clouds became unsettled, thickening to a putrid green. The unmistakable smell of fermentation arose from the soil below. And a high-pitched scraping, grinding sound filled the air as the towering oak trees around us began to move. Angrily they twisted, contorted, and writhed, locking branches and weaving a dome above our heads. We were completely, hopelessly trapped.

Being as far as we were from the fumes of the faithful bonfire, my oracular faculties were diminished, so I wasn’t able to know what had caused the trees to trap us in this way. It seemed obvious that we had somehow made them angry, and they were holding us in contempt until we appeased them, but we’d have to use plain old deductive reasoning to figure out exactly how to achieve that.

What I *did* know was that *Joshua* was doing it wrong. As soon as he recovered from his initial burst of panic, he removed a little switchblade from his sock and began hacking away at the tree branches, crying out about how he would save us. I directed him to stop, to stand back and look down at the ground, at the base of the mighty creature he was thoughtlessly harassing. To take in the age-honored scratches; the fuzzy twists of lichen; the ancient, gnarled shapes of the roots. And he was like, “what exactly am I supposed to be seeing here?”, and I was like “ugh, nevermind, just stop trying to slash at it!” and he was like, “but I’m gonna save you!”, and the campers were like, “you should probably listen to Sydney, man”, and thank you for that, by the way, and then Joshua stopped. And those of us who possessed mental faculties set about figuring out how to appease the trees.

We first tried offerings, everything we had: buttons and coins and strings from our pockets; sentimental trinkets like earrings and family photos; and one brave camper even offered up his soul. All of this had no effect on our stoic incarcerators. Next, we tried every incantation we could gather the reagents to perform. Nothing seemed to work. Joshua even had the bright idea of getting down on our hands and knees and simply begging for our freedom, acting every bit the feeble lesser lifeforms we seemed in their presence. Well, that killed a good half hour.

It was a dire situation for everyone, but I, in particular, was really beginning to struggle with being trapped in that place. I don’t know if it was an effect of the altar, or just the ground I was standing on, but it made me and me alone experience… a peculiar disorientation. My senses were affected; my vision tunneled, my ears rang. I was told my face was… twitching. And my mood grew erratic as I was overcome with a manic energy which filled me with equal parts anxiety, irritation, confusion, and inspiration. I’m always an emotionally sensitive person, but in that state, even the slightest sensation of disappointment or satisfaction could completely overwhelm me. Everyone agreed that the sooner they got me out of there, the better.

It was then that one camper suggested that the trees might be angry about our desecration of Soren’s altar, and that our best course of action might be to rebuild it. None of us really liked this idea, but it seemed plausible… we all hesitated and stood, staring at the boulders and stones that we’d brought low, enveloped by the shadows of the trees and the dank smell of the mossy floor. And I realized something. Every time I glanced up at the tangled nest of branches above our heads… the ends of all the branches were pointed in one camper’s direction.

If you don’t know Natsume Shiota of Cabin Dungbeetle, suffice to say he’s a very magically inclined kid. His mastery over the goo arts eclipses even mine! And he surely has intimate knowledge of powerful magical reagents. Mulling this over, a theory began to blossom in my blurring, buzzing brain.

Not yet verbalizing my suspicions, I instructed everyone to turn out their pockets. Natsume was reluctant to do so, but a little peer pressure from his fellow campers helped him make up his mind. And of course, there it was. There in Natsume’s hand was a single brown acorn, its hard skin shining slightly in the spotty light from above.

Why hadn’t I thought of it sooner? The trees were angry because one among our number had kidnapped their seed! After a bit of comforting and cajoling, Natsume sent the acorn back into the forest with a downtrodden toss, at which time the trees gladly returned to their original shape, twisting and twirling in a beautiful gesture of forgiveness, freedom, and rebirth.

Here’s your ecology lesson for the day, kids: acorns may be incredibly powerful magical reagents, but they are far beyond the abilities of a normal person to acquire without incurring the wrath of the forest. It’s a shame, really. I suppose Natsume was hoping the trees would be too distracted by our magical attempts at escape to notice him pocketing an acorn, and hopefully he’s learned an important lesson about the perceptive capacities of trees.

Also, I mostly missed this, but apparently there was a bit of a debacle over a… a plant, today? From what I can gather, some campers from Cabin Ladybug stumbled upon a mysterious weed whose roots were so deeply embedded in the ground, no one could uproot it, no matter how hard they pulled. These campers came to Lucille with their discovery, and in response, she… flipped out. She threatened to take your bunks away and make you sleep on the ground, fire Matthew so nobody could have dinner, and even to send all the campers home. And through all this, the question on everyone’s mind was: “Why? Why was the existence of this plant so important to a person who doesn’t care about anything?”

I wish I could answer that question for you, campers. Maybe you can ask Soren? Apparently Lucille trusts him with the information. Or maybe he pays for that, too.

Alright, kids. Today’s dinner is corndog stew with mushroom skewers (blegh). Vegans will be getting a variety of pumpkin feathers plucked straight from the gourd!

And tonight’s activity is a beautiful bonfire romp as we throw our trash into the flames and once again pay homage to our local skeletal squirrel gods. Hope you’re all as excited as I am.

Well, campers. That seems to be it for the day. Enjoy your meal, and goodnight. I love you all.

(the intercom clicks off)

(intermission music)

(recorder clicks on)

SYDNEY

25:25PM. So.

Jedidiah says he asked Lucille to help with The Elephant Man. Not sure what exactly he asked her to do, or if she’s done anything to that effect since last night. He probably just told me he did it to shut me up.

You know what he definitely *did* do, though? He installed a *safe* for his stupid diary. Yeah. Yesterday, he carried the journal around with him all day. Never let it out of his sight. And today, he called in the deliverymen to install these over-the-top security measures to protect it. What is in there that matters so much to him? So much more than… [HE WANTS TO SAY “ME”, BUT SETTLES ON] the people around him? Ugh.

[CHUCKLES DARKLY] Hey. I actually have a pretty good reason to believe that Lucille hasn’t done anything about The Elephant Man yet. You wanna know why? Something… *really* *interesting* happened today. While I was out there, amidst the trees… the —

[DOOR OPENING]

SYDNEY

Eep!

JEDIDIAH

Ahh…  sorry, I — I didn’t mean to scare you.

SYDNEY

I-i-it’s fine! It’s- it’s nothing… it’s alright.

JEDIDIAH

Uhm. I — I just- just came in to ask if you’re… ah, if- if you’re doing alright, y’know?

SYDNEY

That’s… [EXHALE] Jedidiah, why do you even bother?

JEDIDIAH

I — w-what?

SYDNEY

Why are you still pretending to care? I… don’t you think it would be better for both of us if you just gave up the ghost?

JEDIDIAH

J-Jesus. I- I- I’m sorry, I… [SIGH] I-I’m sorry.

SYDNEY

…Would you like to play chess with me tonight?

JEDIDIAH

Mm. I’m — too tired.

SYDNEY

Right.

JEDIDIAH

I’m sorry.

SYDNEY

Mm.

JEDIDIAH

…Okay. Um, uh. Have a — a… Bye.

[DOOR CLOSES AS JEDIDIAH LEAVES]

SYDNEY

[SIGH] …you know what, Ghost Recorder? Hold tight. I think we should have this conversation elsewhere.

(recorder clicks off)

(recorder clicks on)

JEDIDIAH

Hi, Sydney. Um… if you’re hearing this, um, it- it- that- that means you saw the tape I left for you on your desk and… decided to play it. Um… thanks. Thanks for that. G-genuinely.

Um. I-I’ve spent all night, um, just… unable to get any work done because of, uh, my- my thoughts. I… uh, for the first time in a while, uh, [INHALE THROUGH TEETH] I- I feel like I need to get some… stuff… o-off my chest. If that’s… how you say that… um… [EXHALE] Okay.

[BREATHING SHAKILY] I — am realizing — w-way too late, I know — that my… distance from you is having… serious consequences. On your mental state. I… I’m sorry. It’s — I’m in- I’m in kind of a conundrum here, because I could say, you know — I — I could say I have my reasons — uhm, for pulling away — I- I- I want to say that, I- I want you to know it’s not about how much I care, about you… but that probably won’t mean a lot to you if- if I — well, I *can’t* explain it. For your safety, I- I can’t explain this to you, it — it is dangerous to understand. And I — I want to keep you safe.

If… if it means anything to you… I want to at least say this. I… want you. But I feel like if I, bring you in close to me… I will bring you closer to something… terrible.

I- I don’t know how to fix this. I’ve felt… for a long time, I’ve felt… like there’s no solution. But I’m talking to you. Like you always ask me to. M-maybe that’s a step.

[SIGH] ‘Kay, I’m… gonna go to bed… before I regret this. [SIGH] See you tomorrow… unless you’re still awake… in… our room, I guess. I… yeah. Goodnight.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[INCREDIBLY DISTRAUGHT] Umm… okay. Um. Sydney… uh, um, is- is not in our room, um. Or- or in his office. Uh, Which is… uh, weird. I can’t- I- I- I can’t think of, um, a-anywhere else he would go this time of night. It’s — it’s- it’s- it’s sc-sc-scary, um. It’s weird.

Uh, t-this tape has a new purpose now. Uh, Lucille, if- if you’re hearing this, it’s because I went out looking for Sydney, and — and- and- and possibly, uh- uh- did- did not return. Um. P-possibly this is uh, a uh,— a- a- a big deal, so um, uh, maybe so p-put together a search party, or, or um, or- or put the camp on lockdown, or, s-something like that.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, okay. Bye.

(recorder turns off)

*Today’s episode was written and produced by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Sydney Sargent was played by Blue Mayfield. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Tony 1 was played by Tom Antonellis. The part of Tony 2 was played by Gianni Matragrano. Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield and Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our patron: Z-nogyroP.*

*For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon, at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our Discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode. Find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.*

*Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There, and remember: Drifting through our lives, looking much the same as you or I, are people who, for no reasons science or spirituality can comprehend, possess far more joints in each limb than is necessary for locomotion. This is fine, and you shouldn’t ask them questions about it.*