Hearts are Trump (GAM283)

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***Hearts are Trump*** is a terrorist training video that I assume the FBI let the Eli and Noah borrow (I'm not sure if they're working with them or what), and it follows several characters who go from not supporting Trump to stealing Nancy Pelosi's lectern by the end of the movie.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because that's how the intro goes.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you're tired of the classic movie trope of conservative old timers who just don't understand the kids these days, and you'd like to see a movie from *their* perspective, you will *love* this—it's the first three-fourths of *Footloose* from John Lithgow's point of view.

### **Best Worst**

* Noah: ...three months of aging. ["It's not us that's starting riots and breaking windows and things."]
* Eli: ...best best best best best vest best  these people are sad now. [Their year is ruined.]
* Thomas: ...terrible apologetics you encounter every day. [Now you know what it's like to think everybody's lizards.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Thomas on *Opening Arguments*, *Serious Inquiries Only*, and *Philosophers in Space*.
* Following an Indigogo campaign which received zero dollars, this "film" came out on 9 October 2020, followed by the accompanying novel on 14 October 2020. These people are sad now. The film's Facebook page describes it as "Three generations of the Wood's family form a bond with a black family and together they explore how they can best help keep America free, a place where righteousness is considered a virtue and not mental feebleness." It also has one of the saddest low resolution excuses for a poster this editor has ever seen. Apparently Donald watched "an episode of Sid Roth featuring Kevin Zadai with a story of how he spent five hours in Heaven speaking to Jesus about our current state of the union on earth" on 10 August 2020, wrote a script in four days, completed filming in six days (18–23 September 2020) and finished editing in eight days.

### **Jokes**

* [Eli: We should clarify what this is, because it's *so* fucking beautiful and important. Because Donald James Parker, creator of *The Unexpected Bar Mitzvah* and *Gramps Goes to College*, saw Kevin Zadai appear on Sid Roth's YouTube show, *It's Supernatural*, and was *so* move both by Kevin Zadai and what he had to say that he made a *two hour* long movie about it.] [Noah: Well no, he made a two hour long movie about his dumbass grandaughter not listening when he told her to watch it.] [Eli: You know what? That's fair. That's fair. It's tangentially related. Now, you might be thinking, "Eli, who's Kevin Zadai?" I'm glad you asked, podcast listener: Kevin Zadai claims, with very little evidence, that he died during a routine dental procedure, and while he was dead he spent five hours in heaven with Jesus, and Jesus taught him to play the soprano saxophone. That's who *inspired* this movie. And by the way (we'll put the link in the show notes), if you go to the Sid Roth show where he makes this appearance, the reason there's a big old fucking edit is because there is a three minute and fourteen second long *infomercial* for the thirty-five dollars that you can pay to Sid Roth for Kevin Zadai's book, audiotape, and—most importantly—music cd of the music he learned from *Jesus* while he was dead. And in that infomercial they claim that if you listen to that cd, you will be able to communicate *with angels*.  You have to click the link in the show notes. Honestly, we could do an entire *God Awful Movies* on the infomercial in the middle of this clip.] [Thomas: I just got to hand it to him: people are always trying to sell you on their shitty band, but he really took things to the next level.] (12:34)
* [Noah: And then we get what I think is this movie's worst scene.] [Eli: It's up there! It's up there.] [Thomas: Oh? Yeah, I think you're right… it's—if you were to pick one to be the most offensive, and to put into evidence when you're reporting a hate crime (which I am doing), it would be this one.] [Noah: It's gonna be the one where a black man turns to the white man and starts the scene off by saying "What do *you* think of Black Lives Matter and Donald Trump?"] [Thomas: Yup. "Hey, my struggle here as a black man here is that I just haven't heard what a white Christian man *thinks*, and I just *need*—please, tell me what you think. I don't—I'm lost—I don't know, please tell me."] [Noah: "I don't mean to put a *burden* on you, but…" So, and Troy says—to his credit—he's like, "Well, let me start off by saying I'm a big fan of you people."] [Eli: "Oh man, I think black people are swell. Oh, you'd like me to name something I like about black people? I love how… Christian you were while you were slaves. That's the compliment *I* can think of."] [Thomas: That's *real*. That's real. This is not a joke that Eli made, this is real. And what is so hard about watching this, is that you can tell that this *really* is this fucking Boomer doing his best, like "I'm going to reach across the aisle here and solve race relations. Your people made really good slaves and stuck to a religion that is ours." That's how he goes into it, okay.] [Noah:  Oh my, that as good as he get—he doesn't even say "I really like your music." Yeah, exactly.] [Thomas: Listeners, it gets worse. I don't know—it gets worse.] [Eli: It *does* get worse. It gets *worse*. You go ahead and take a moment, and try and guess how it gets worse from "I like that you stayed our religion while you were slaves."] [Thomas: You guessed wrong! You guessed wrong, whatever you…] [Eli: You guessed wrong.] (47:30)

### **Interstitials**

* First ~~Writer's Room~~ Donald Meeting (8:24)
* Donald's Non Sequiturs (42:50)
* I Wanted to Tell You: You Suck (1:15:16)

### **Tropes**

* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Heroes are Villains, Villains are Heroes
* Looks Like… [Olive Oyl]
* Nothing Happens
* Problem of Evil
* RACISM
* SEXISM
* Reprehensible Moral Message
* The Most Advanced C64 Ever!
* This is YOUR Movie!

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Trailer on YouTube
* Film on Rumble (It seems to exist nowhere else.)
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Theragun: Our Wives Steal Ours (1:55:27)
* Hello Fresh: Our Decontamination Chamber Takes Longer Than That (1:57:14)