Fake TPOT 46: We Can Sail, We Can Sail/part 1

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.

"**We Can Sail, We Can Sail**" is the non-canon forty-sixth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 17 July 1989. Since TPOT 2 has already been released, this episode is only headcanon to me; it takes place in an alternate universe in the suburbs of the canon.

Author's note: Yes, finally! A new episode that doesn't end in 5!

Description if this were on YouTube:

Hey, hey, hey, look who's back? This is the last challenge in all of THE POWER OF TWO, and we couldn't have made it this far without you viewers voting and watching like the nice peoples you, like, are. But before you watch, can you guess what the challenge is? Hint: you might need to go way back in time and watch BFDI 23 and BFB 28 if you're not sure.

Previous episode: "The Amazing Reverse Race"

## Cold open

### **Flat 6: Remote and Black Hole**

**Scene**View of the words "Friday February 24 1989" in a newspaper-like format, surrounded by clippings of headlines such as "Late Emperor remembered by Japani-Kenyan community", "Estonian flag restored" and "Yoyly Carte celebrates 382ND anniversary of Monteverdi's opera". Zoom out to reveal the paper **Black Hole** is reading as he eats his breakfast at the table in his and Remote's flat. Reality-warping sound as he turns the page.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I do love the morning paper.

[*Enter* **Remote**, *silently. She slowly walks towards Black Hole. He reality-warps the paper again without noticing her, whereupon she approaches him even closer than before. Repeat—the second time he does notice her.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, hi, Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You're not supposed to notice me.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: How can I ignore you?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That's a beautiful thing to say.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*oblivious*] Well, you are the only other person, who lives in this flat, on a full-time basis. Anyway, what are you doing?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Trying to see how close I could get without you reacting.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote... [*sighs and puts the paper down*] How many times have I told you not to play games with death? It could, it could get you into trouble, somewhere down the line. Or down the hole, in my case.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I just wanted to test something.

[*Remote tries to put her arm around Black Hole but it gets spaghettified instead.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Oof.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Too bad that's your way of having fun, huh. /s
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: How about I leave you to your breakfast in peace? [*going*] On second thought, I'd be happier at Pie's anyway. At least she's in a good mood.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: She should; it's day 5 of Phalguna today. That's the day she starts thinking about doing absolutely nothing, for Holi.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Em-hem. See you later?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Sure.

[*Exit* **Remote**.]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I sigh.

### **Outside**

**Scene**On her way to Flat 26—one of the many flats farther away from the centre of the Fovitwe—**Remote** runs into **Pen**, who is wearing dark sunglasses. He stands right in front of his own flat, Flat 2, and (for once) is trying not to attract attention.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hello, Pen.
* **P****en**: [*whispering*] ***Shh! I'm not supposed to be here!***
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Neither am I, but the viewers like me enough to keep me in the final four.
* **P****en**: Huh?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Never mind. I must face Pie to partake in Phalguna fifth in the Pact Flat. Laters, Schreiber-san.

[*Exit* **Remote**, *hurrying.*]

* **P****en**: [*sibi loquitur*] And people say I talk funny. Chh.

### **Flat 2: Pencil**

**Scene**Enter **Pen** into a seemingly empty flat.
* **P****en**: Hello! Pencil? [*Silence.*] Where is everybody?

[*Pen searches the refurbished living room from right to left and seems to find no one there, until he stops at the left edge of his field of vision, where he sees* **Yesa** *bent over a vacuum cleaner, a sight that startles them both.*]

* **[** **P****en** · **Y****es****a** **]**: *Ah!*

[*The intro plays.*]

## Pre–Cake at Stake (February)

### **Flat 2: Pencil (and Pen?)**

**Scene****Pen** and **Yesa** stand at the front door, still shocked at each other's presence.
* **Y****es****a**: Pen Schreiber, the man I'm meant to call father. Is it really you?
* **P****en**: Of course! There can only be one of me, right?
* **Y****es****a**: Yeah, and it's been, like, what, three months since I've seen you in real life?
* **P****en**: My guess exactly! D'you mind if I come in?
* **Y****es****a**: Er, no, not at all! Two still says this is your flat.

#### Living room

[*Enter* **Pen***.*]

* **P****en**: So, Yesa...
* **Y****es****a**: M'yeah, we changed the living room while you were, y'know, taking your ninety-day sabbatical.
* **P****en**: Haha, no, *sabbat*'s only one day long. I can tell you've been raised Christian, haha. And I like how it looks. Why are you here?
* **Y****es****a**: I live here, remember?
* **P****en**: I mean, don't you usually work on weekdays at this time? Your mom sent me your schedule so I could find the best days to come over without you.

[*Yesa gasps melodramatically.*]

* **P****en**: 2. You-2. They're— they're a terrific band, but Eraser's been playing "Angel of Kibera" on repeat for weeks now.
* **Y****es****a**: Okay. Well, I didn't have to go anywhere today. Aunt Match drove Lou to his weekly science workshop, brought the others to their after-home after-school clubs *and* dropped Sonny off at daycare. Now I've got this side of the flat all to myself, right up to the door. Or so I thought.
* **P****en**: Uh. Is Pencil home?
* **Y****es****a**: Yeah, she's in her room!

[*Pen grabs his heart and makes a tiny whimpering noise as he hears Yesa referring to his former room as "Pencil's room".*]

* **Y****es****a**: Want me to show you where it is?
* **P****en**: Oh, no, thank you. I may be the guest of honour, but even I know where my room is.
* **Y****es****a**: If you say so!
* **P****en**: [*going*] Hey, by the way, Yesa...
* **Y****es****a**: What's up?
* **P****en**: Why are you a bit shorter than me and Pencil?
* **Y****es****a**: Huh, I'm not sure. Might be 'cos I wasn't as well nourished as I would have been if I'd grown up normally. [*shrugs*]

[*Pen whimpers again, this time out of guilt.*]

* **Y****es****a**: [*sibi loquitur*] One last zinger for the road, Yesa. [*mouths "Nailed it!"*]
* **N****a****ily**: [*off-screen*] Hey, that's my thing!

#### Bedroom

[**Match** *stands next to Pencil's (and formerly Pen's) bed, talking on the telephone (not a YeFone). The sound of a shower can be heard in the background.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Okay, Brace, but if we make it to the show by 7, we won't have to miss, like, Pile-y Minogue sing. [*Pause.*] Omg, I do *too!* Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*in the bathroom*] Match, I can still hear you with the tap running on full blast!
* **Ma****tch**: Sorry, but I'm, like, so excited!
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, you're good! It beats mainstream radio by a mile!

[*Enter* **Pen**.]

* **P****en**: Excited for what?
* **Ma****tch**: Ah! [*on the phone*] I'd better go, Bracelety; Pen just showed up. [*Pause.*] No, the tall one. [*Pause.*] No, he's the Cancer. [*Pause. She smiles.*] 'Kay, sister, *hasta la* concert!

[*Match hangs up and gives Pen a dirty look.*]

* **P****en**: Heyyy, Match! [*finger-guns her*] How long's it been since I saw you in real life? Happy New Year!
* **Ma****tch**: Happy? You want me to be, like, happy when I haven't even done this yet?
* **P****en**: Ooh, I love these guessing games! They're so much *fun!* Is it... find a guy to go with? [*giggles*]

[*Match shakes her head before she kicks Pen in the shin, hard. This causes him to hold his leg, hop on one foot and howl in pain.*]

* **P****en**: *Owooo!* Match, what'd you do that for? That wasn't nice!
* **Ma****tch**: How dare you! When I told you to do what's right, I didn't mean leave, like, Pencil and your ten fantabulous children behind while you go party with Eraser!
* **P****en**: I didn't leave Pencil! And party with Eraser? I had to live on a dog bed and eat Chef Boyard-tree using my cage as a dinner tray!
* **Ma****tch**: You poor-poor. That's almost as good as how he treats his other dates. /s
* **P****en**: Gosh, Match, do you know what it's like to be the guest who never leaves?
* **Ma****tch**: Literally, I do. Like, between you and me, I think Pencil's getting a bit tired of me going back and forth between, like, this place and the city. Anyway, now that you're back again, I can leave! Hear the cry of the liberated wood sickle, ***CHEEUH!***

[*Match heads to the door.*]

* **P****en**: Wait, Match, I didn't say—

[**Match** *slams the door shut. At the same time, the shower in the bathroom is turned off.*]

* **P****en**: Alright then. [*sits on the bed and feels a lump*] Hello, what's this?

[*He pulls the cover down and sees a Pen plush (the same size as him) on his side of the bed.*]

* **P****en**: [*horrified*] W... what... no... [*about to cry*] No, it can't be! She'd never...

[*He suddenly grabs the plushie by the neck.*]

* **P****en**: [*angrily*] Yo, whaddaya think you're doin' sleepin' in the same bed as my girl? Why, I oughta... I oughta send ya back to the place you come from, that's what I'm gonna do, you... you Pencil-thief!

[*The bathroom door opens. Enter* **Pencil**, *who looks at Pen, surprised.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen?
* **P****en**: Oh, Pencil, it's you! [*about to hug her*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, wait, don't fondle me yet. I'm still damp from the home drizzle machine. What are you doing here?
* **P****en**: Recreating the feeling of loss. /s
* **P****e****nci****l**: Huh?

[*Pen drops the plushie on the bed.*]

* **P****en**: [*to the plushie*] Sorry.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, I get it now. Aye, don't worry, that's just a plushie I've put in your place to comfort me while you act out your little ridiculousness. He ain't a living being.
* **P****en**: Good, you almost gave me a heart attack! I nearly died and, and you wouldn't have prevented my death!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Steady on, Bezza, you can be so dramatic sometimes. I meant to ask you what you're doing here at this hour.
* **P****en**: I thought I'd surprise you with a little 4:00 visit. Say, I've never been in our room so early!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, you usually come after the kids are supposedly asleep and leave three hours before they actually wake up. It's nice to see you under this lighting, it really is. [*nudges him*] Did you see your daughter when you came here?
* **P****en**: Yeah, I did. It was the first time I saw her in—
* **P****e****nci****l**: In ninety days.
* **P****en**: No, three months.

[*Pencil sits on the bed. Pen joins her.*]

* **P****en**: Y'know, she didn't look like she wanted to kill me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Of course she didn't! She's half–Death PACTer, and I really don't think any child of mine *or yours* for that matter would like you dead.
* **P****en**: I wouldn't like me dead either.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Neither would I. Don't tell a living soul I said this, but you're indis*pen*sable! [*shakes his arm but stops suddenly*] Ooh, honey, what's with your arm? I've never felt it this solid before; it's as if I could break it and you wouldn't feel a thing! Not that I should do it myself; I've got a steadfast alliance that could probably do that on my behalf. /j But oh, you're here and you're better than ever!
* **P****en**: I see you like the new physique. Last month Eraser finally found a date smart enough to realize I wasn't his talking pet.
* **P****e****nci****l**: She must have been brilliant by his standards.
* **P****en**: So, he had me pretend to be his *personal trainer*, y'know, like in those aerobics clubs. You can imagine how that went, eh? Ten hours of push-ups, every night, for twenty days. And those two were vegging out the whole time!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, if you live here, I shall make sure you won't be treated like a dog *or* a piece of gym equipment. And if you get your cap a bit dirty, I'll even let you use the new bathroom instead of forcing you to wait for the rainy season.

[*Silence.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen?
* **P****en**: Mm-hmm?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You can live here again if you want to.
* **P****en**: Don't need you to tell me that.
* **P****e****nci****l**: What?
* **P****en**: Pencil, I made up my mind as soon as I saw our daughter at the door. I'm coming back.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You are... *you are?* ***YOU ARE!*** Oh, Pen, this is the greatest thing that's happened to me all year! I love you so much!
* **P****en**: And I love you too, Big Orange! [*Beat.*] That's Rase's nickname for you.

[*They laugh, embrace and fall onto the bed, where the Pen Plushie is still lying.*]

* **Pen Plushie**: ♫ *I'm so vain, I bet I think this plushie's about me!* ♫

[*Pen looks at the plushie confused, but he shrugs, smiles and kisses Pencil.*]

* **P****en**: We've got to tell the world, darn it!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right ahead of you!

[*Pencil suddenly opens the door. View of the living room, where* **Yesa** *is reading a book.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: *Guess who's moving back in with us?*
* **Y****es****a**: [*trying to keep a neutral face*] Say what now?
* **French Narrator**: Three months later.

## Pre–Cake at Stake (May)

### **Flat 2: Pencil and Pen**

**Scene****Pencil** and **Pen** are hosting a party in their flat together, along with their kids (**Yesa**, **Lou**, **Ivor**, **Ita**, **Zira**, **Rhoza**, **Max**, **Sol**, **Sam** and **Sonny**). They have invited fellow still-in contestants **Pin** (who has come along with **Coiny** and their two kids **Lincoln** and **Lisa**), **Remote**, **Black Hole** and **Golf Ball** (who has come along with **Tennis Ball** and nobody else). All of them are watching TV together.
* **Guy on TV**: [*on the screen*] ... on a brand-new season of *Increasing Sorrows*, coming to your television station this September, plus two to five years if you're in a foreign country!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Oh, dear.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Why do they always do that?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Of the grown-ups here, who would like some more apple juice?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Ooh, I do, I do!
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, you don't, Sol, this ain't for you.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Damn!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Zzt!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Meant *darn*, yeah, that's what I meant. [*to Golf Ball*] Sorry, ancient lady.

[*Golf Ball blows a raspberry at Sol.*]

* **P****i****n**: It's so cool that you invited us here for your three-month family reunion; I feel like I'm one of you guys!
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah! Our kids are *so* getting along, huh? [*points at Lou and Lisa, who are wordlessly talking to each other*] I for one welcome our future Brazilian–African–Hebrew–Greek–Vietnamese–Union grandchildren.
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're hilarious, Lincoln.
* **Golf Ball**: Meanwhile, Tennis Ball and I had to wait *years* before we could see our children and grand ones!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*to Pencil*] She likes to exaggerate. [*to Golf Ball*] We had telephones, remember?
* **Golf Ball**: I know, I know.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **P****en**: And it's on the same day as Cake at Stake! I think that's pretty awesome.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You picked a great day to come back, Pen.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Not great for me, now that the decision of who gets eliminated is in my powerless hands.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): What are you talking about, Remote? You got great hands!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You hear that, BH? I got great hands.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): [*Aside, to Rhoza.*] Tsst, I say that to everyone.
* **R****h****oza**: You'll make a great comet-ologist, Ita.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And is everything alright over here?
* **P****en**: Terrific! We were just talking about how today's real special.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Right. I could be eliminated, which means no more battling for the power of Two; but it also means I could spend a lot more time at home.
* **P****en**: Penc, you don't have to do that. You gotta keep playing! Besides, three months in and I *know* I can get this house under control myself.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*Aside, to Black Hole.*] He's always been so humble. /s
* **P****en**: Mm-mm. [*straightens his bow tie*]
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Excuse me for butting in, Mr. Schreiber, but even without our mother around we are still an egalitarian ménage.
* **P****en**: You're right, Ivo. We *are* an algebralien massage, thanks for clarifying.

[*Enter* **Two**, *who pops their head into the front door.*]

* **Two**: Hi, guys!

[*No one notices them because they are all talking still. Max sees Two and offers them a water bottle.*]

* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): What up, Two-us? Want some H-you-zero?
* **Two**: Hullo, Maxine, and no thanks. Could you please tell your mum I've got a message for her and the other contestants?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Sure thing, Dois! *Hey, Mum!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*turns around*] What is it, honey?
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): *Two's here, and I'm sure you know what it's for!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh. [*realizing*] *Oh!* Oi, Remote, BH, GB, Pin, it's time!
* **P****i****n**: Time for what?
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's time... [*dramatic sting*] For Cake at Stake.

### **Flat 2**

**Scene**The Contestants, *i.e.*, **Remote**, **Black Hole**, **Golf Ball**, **Pin** and **Pencil** have all gone out of the flat for Cake at Stake. They leave behind their kids, as well as **Pen**, **Tennis Ball** and **Coiny**—the latter two of whom are also on their way out.
* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Aww, do you really have to go now?
* **O****is** (Lou): Yeah, we were having fun!
* **Co****i****ny**: It is my civic duty as an *American* to watch Pin receive her Cake at Stake prize.
* **Lin****co****l****n**: Then why must we go with you too?
* **Co****i****ny**: It's your civic duty as well.
* **Lin****co****l****n**: Aw, but I'm nineteen!
* **Co****i****ny**: [*going*] Come on, that's old enough to vote.
* **Lin****co****l****n**: [*sigh*] Yes, Dad, according to the Twenty-sixth Amendment...
* **L****i****s****a**: Which was passed exactly two months after I was born.
* **[** **Lin****co****l****n** · **L****i****s****a** **]**: [*in unison*] On July 1st, 1971, and proposed on March 23rd of the same year.
* **Co****i****ny**: ***Yes!***

[*Exeunt.* **Coiny** *cartwheels out of the flat in celebration.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Aren't they cute? Smart kids are cute.
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Always thought I was the exception to that. /s
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*getting up*] Ooh, I'd better skedaddle too. Knowing Golf Ball, she's seeing to it that I get our whole apartment in order. Thanks for a *raaaadical* party, duuude.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Why talk that way?
* **P****en**: No problem, Teebs! In this house we do our very best.
* **Guy on the TV**: And that concludes the fifteenth spin-off of *Battle for Luxurious Hotel*. Next up: *The Jeffer-suns*!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Didn't that show end, like, four years ago?
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Not in this country!
* **P****en**: C'mon, kids, help me clean up if you want to.
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Thanks for the choice, Pen. [*reclines in his seat*]

[*Pen smiles a bit and picks up the dishes. He then realizes something.*]

* **P****en**: ***OMG!***

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: What is it?
* **P****en**: I just remembered something!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: That's nice. [*going*]
* **P****en**: Wait, Tennis Ball, don't go! You know I'm eliminated, right?

[*Tennis Ball nods.*]

* **Y****es****a**: Pen, everyone with a colour TV knows that.
* **P****en**: Aren't you part of that eliminated people's YeFone chant group?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Of course. Anyone who's anyone is in it.
* **P****en**: D'you think you might be able to... y'know... vlonk me up?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*confused*] *Vlonk me up*?
* **P****en**: Don't think he doesn't get it, kids, TB's a genius! He was on my team for six years, as a matter of fact.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: *Ohhhhh*, you want me to make you an account.
* **P****en**: I totally want in!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I can do that. Yeah, anyone who's anyone can do that.

### **Crescentia Tepe**

**Scene****Two** has gathered the still-in contestants for Cake at Stake. Of those, the contestants up for elimination (**Black Hole**, **Golf Ball** and possibly **Pencil**) are seated on the platforms, while those immune (**Remote** and **Pin**) are sitting on the Afos together. Numerous helicopters land in the background.
* **Golf Ball**: I have a hunch that someone is not fulfilling his homely duties.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sure isn't Pen; he'd rather read a computer textbook than call himself homely.
* **Two**: Alright, contestants! You are the final five! [*under their breath, almost nostalgically*] Five... [*Aloud.*] But in a few minutes or so, one of you will be eliminated, and the final five will become... the final four!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That is the usual way of things.
* **Two**: Now, the cake today is a "gold metal".
* **Golf Ball**: A gold medal?
* **Two**: No, no, you've misheard me. Today, I am giving out a gold metal. See?

[*Two shows the Contestants the "gold metal": the letters* G*,* O*,* L *and* D *seemingly carved out of a chunk of silver.*]

* **Golf Ball**: That pun was so clever that it even evaded me! Ha, ha!
* **Two**: If you're safe, you get a letter. The person who doesn't get one *will be eliminated!* Pin and Remote, you both won last episode's challenge legs down! How does that make you feel?
* **P****i****n**: Victorious.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Tired.
* **Two**: Take these *two* letters, then!

[*Two flings a* G *and an* O *at Remote and Pin, respectively.*]

* **P****i****n**: Thank thank!
* **Co****i****ny**: [*in the audience*] Ya-hooooo!
* **Lin****co****l****n**: Good job, Mom!
* **L****i****s****a**: Can I have it when you're done?

[*Pin nods at her daughter.*]

* **Two**: Now I have to tell you who amongst the remaining contestants has received the most votes and is therefore declared safe. Black Hole?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes, Two?
* **Two**: You got the most votes in this episode, at [*number*]!

[*Two flings an* L *at Black Hole. He sucks it up.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: What the L.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hee hee hee.

[*The spotlight shines on Pencil and Golf Ball. For several seconds, there is silence among the two while dramatic, sportsman-like music plays and the camera zooms in on them. This scene is abruptly cut short by Golf Ball.*]

* **Golf Ball**: *Who* will be eliminated?
* **Nic****k****el**: [*in the background*] Who's on first?
* **Two**: Well, if you recall correctly, last episode, I specifically said—

[*Flashback.*]

**Two**: If you do choose to save Pencil, there *is* a possibility that your vote will be declared invalid and removed! And that can only happen if Remote decides to save her herself!
**R****e****m****ot****e**: The po—
[*End flashback, a bit late.*]

* **Two**: And that means *I* am not the one who can tell you who is eliminated, for that power lies with Remote!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I got the power.
* **Two**: So how say you, Remote? Do you object to Pencil's Cake at Stake votes being declared invalid and her being immune for this episode? Speak now or forever hold your peace.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Well...
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh no.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Though an object, I do not object.

[*Golf Ball gasps.*]

* **Two**: Good! In that case, Pencil, you are safe from elimination with 3 votes (although you can revoke your assumed acceptance of immunity at any point in the episode as per the *TPOT Game Rules*).
* **C****l****o****c****k**: [*in the background*] It's about time you deferred to them!
* **Two**: And Golf Ball... you! Are! Eliminated!

[*Eleven collective gasps sound from Flat 7 in the distance. The number of votes Golf Ball received hovers above her head, while Pencil catches the* D *Two throws at her.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Whaaat, that's it?! I am eliminated?
* **P****e****nci****l**: And I got three votes? [*pointing at the number above Golf Ball*] GB and Black Hole received votes in the hundreds of thousands, but I get a number even my boyfriend can count up to! *HOW?!*
* **Two**: I can sympathize with your pain, Pencil, I truly can. 'Tis a disappointing day in the history of Fovitwe affairs. Personally, I wanted you to keep the *two* votes you were holding for days, but somebody just *had* to send us a [C] at the last minute. Thanks a lot, **ClubDeFans de Phylicia Rashad**! /s

[*Golf Ball sighs longingly. This being Golf Ball, it sounds more like a hurricane passing over sparsely-populated land in the middle of the night.*]

## Post–Cake at Stake

### **Flat 2**

**Scene****Tennis Ball** is still working on **Pen**'s YeFone. The kids eagerly watch him play with the new technology, while Pen is in the kitchen biting into an apple.
#### Living room

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Aaaand there you have it!
* **Kids**: Ooooooh!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): [*to Pen*] *Hey, you!*
* **P****en**: [*in the kitchen*] Mm?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Come here and see what Tennis Ball's done for you!

[*Pen runs over to Tennis Ball and hastily grabs his phone. From now on, various electronic sounds (similar to the Notification sound effect from Discord) can be heard interspersed in the dialogue. For when it is relevant, this is indicated by "D'duh!".*]

* **P****en**: What'd'ya do, buddy?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I simply pressed "Create Eris account", typed the link Pillow gave me into the dialogue box, sent an invitation request to the server, and a few seconds later it was accepted by the server moderator. That makes you an official member of the Eliminated Contestants' Club!
* **P****en**: Thanks, Tennis Ball, I owe you one!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Listen, I'd better get going; Golf Ball expects me at home... even though she's probably still competing. [*going*] Fare ye well, children!

[*Soni exspectati of farewell as* **Tennis Ball** *makes his way to Flat 7. Pen steps outside.*]

* **P****en**: See ya, and thanks again, old sport! [*salutes him*] Tell you what: if you guys're ever in Toronto, I can take you to Dinner and you can watch my song-and-dance show for free!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*off-screen*] Thank you, but I think Golf Ball would like it better at the car crusher, where scrap metal is produced for our future inventions. She prefers the sound of industry!

[*Pen returns to the living room.*]

* **P****en**: [*Aside.*] That son of a gun. [*claps*] *So!* Who wants to see their dad make his very first post in the group chant thing?
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Ooh, you like to chant too?
* **Y****es****a**: No, I think he wants us to be a part of his first post.
* **P****en**: Hey, look! You can already see a bunch of people posting! [*D'duh!*] Winner just found out they're a quarter Ukrainian... [*D'duh!*] Puffball has a new CD out... [*D'duh!*] and Tennis Ball... haha!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): What'd he say?
* **P****en**: Everyone, say hello to Pen. I have just made him an account. That's me!

[*D'duh!*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): What's that say?
* **P****en**: Duly noted. Welcome, Pen, and please read the rules. – Tree, moderator. Omg, Tree's the moderator? That's so *cool!* [*Beat.*] What's a moderator?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): He's in charge of the group and can tell you what you can and can't do. I like to call them "mods".
* **P****en**: Groovy, man. Y'know, I wanted to be a mod so bad in the '60s. [*laughs*] Oh, but Tree won't be all bossy with me; we used to be *this* close! [*crosses his fingers*] Hmm, what should I say? [*typing on the keyboard*] Hi, guys! I hope I didn't show up too late. What d'yous think of that, kids? [*shows his phone screen*]
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): You talking to us?
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Hmm... it looks like you're writing an essay.
* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Yeah, nobody ends a sentence with a full stop any more.
* **P****en**: They don't?
* **R****h****oza**: And only losers would put a comma before the "guys".
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): If they refer to them as "guys" in the first place.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Try some other greeting!
* **P****en**: Gee, to think that everything I learned about writing in high school was wrong. Hmm... How 'bout this? See, I spelled *party* wrong so people would think I was too busy at a real party to care! [*laughs*]

[*Pen shows the kids his new message. It now reads:* What's up everybody? Hope I'm not late to the partay!*—he is not very adventurous.*]

* **C****i****l****lita** (Ita): Not something I'd write to my friends, but I guess it works if you're an old dad.
* **P****en**: Aw, that's nice to hear. And... send! [*presses the "Send" button*] *We did it, gang!*

[*Soni exspectati. D'duh!*]

* **P****en**: Ooh, a new message... and it's from Tree!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): What's it say?
* **Y****es****a**: I'll read it just in case you need a translation, hehe. [*in a bad Australian accent; as she reads her smile turns into a frown*] Congratulations, Pen. By using incorrect grammars and spelling mistaeks you have been banned from this server for as long as this planet is inhabited by intelligent lifeforms (a group to which you certainly do not belong). I would additionally sue you for everything you're worth, but given the utter lack of respect you have for the English language, I would get absolutely nothing of worth from you, except maybe a tasteless T-shirt that says 'Daddy's little [blank]'. Eat dirt and may your death be prevented by someone other than the best in the business, trash.

[*Dramatic sting.*]

* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): That accent was truly inaccurate, Yesa. Who are you, Dick Van Dyke?
* **Y****es****a**: I'm sorry, my only experience with Australiana was when we watched *The Facts of Life Down Over*!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): *Under!*

[*Pen drops his YeFone and Sam quickly catches it.*]

* **Sama****r LaQa****ss** (Sam): Here you go! [*Pause.*] Pen?
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): You okay there?
* **P****en**: [*staring out into space*] I was this close to being part of that super exclusive group... and I was banished. Like Medusa, but more handsomer.
* **Y****es****a**: We're sorry, honest!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): I'm not. [*Yesa elbows him.*]

[*Enter* **Pencil**, *excited.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Hello, people of Flat 2!

[*Pen jumps up and tugs on Pencil's arm.*]

* **P****en**: *Pencil!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: You alright?
* **P****en**: *Noooooo!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Easy there, don't jump to conclusions. Your old "Big Orange" didn't get eliminated today and I've only Remote to thank for that. Hard to believe you left her for somebody like rotten old Penc-penc, innit? /j [*nudges him*]
* **P****en**: That's not why I'm upset! It's about *me!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Glad to know you're still thinking of others, Pen. /s
* **P****en**: C- can I talk to you in the kitchen?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't see why not; I've got time to spare. [*going; to the kids*] *Pelo amor de Deus*, is he always like this when I'm doing TPOT stuff?

#### Kitchen

[**Pencil** *and* **Pen** *crouch down under the pass-through window so they can talk in private.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Now, if only we had a stained glass screen. Okay, dear, what's all this about?
* **P****en**: They— the Eris— the chant group— I've... I've been *banished!* And it's all because of them!

[*Pen points to the children; from the living room only his hand can be seen.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: *Ohhhh* no. You are not going to rant about how they hate you and are secretly trying to bring you down or anything like that, are you? You may be descended from the ancient Romans, but I, on the other hand, fancy no conspiracy, even a good one.
* **P****en**: No, it's just... I- I really wanted to talk to all the eliminated contestants, and now I can't!
* **P****e****nci****l**: You can still do that, Pen! Just walk out the door and enter any flat with somebody who was there in the intro. They kick you out; it just means they've seen you in the last few episodes! /j
* **P****en**: Hey, you're right! I can do that any ol' day. I don't need no chant eep!
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's *chat*... *app*.
* **P****en**: Thanks, Pencil. [*kisses her*] Aww, but I'm still upset!
* **P****e****nci****l**: See, here's the thing: I quite like the fact that we're still celebrating the trimensiversary of your coming back to the flat, and I'd find it just *darling* if you didn't let your emotions get in the way of the whole thing. [*sighs*] I've never liked all that feelings rubbish, anyway. You know, while I'm doing the contest, why don't you bond with the kids so you can take your mind off this whole exclusion nonsense?
* **P****en**: Bond with 'em? How?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You could, er... [*looks at the sink*] Take them to the lake. Is that not what dads usually do?
* **P****en**: Yeah. I can totally do that! Boy, that reminds me of the time Dad took Eraser and me to the waterfront when we were young. Oh, we could see all of—
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*checking her invisible watch*] Ooh, would you look at the time?

#### Living room

[**Pen** *and* **Pencil** *re-enter the living room, the latter about to leave for the contest.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Reckon Two's about to announce this episode's contest in two minutes or so; I'd better get ready out there. Ta-ta, my sweeties!

[*Soni exspectati of farewell; exit* **Pencil**. *All the kids look at Pen, who begins to smile rather forcedly.*]

* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Are you still mad at us, Pen?
* **P****en**: Oh, no, no, I've matured a great deal! You'll be glad to know I'm... [*through gritted teeth*] *not* mad any more.

[*The kids all look at one another.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Well, I've got my day planned. Who wants to sneak to the cinema with me?
* **O****is** (Lou): Yeah, we could go see *Equation Playground Girls Are Easy*!
* **P****en**: *No!* I mean... I was just thinking,
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): [*Aside.*] That's a first.
* **P****en**: H- how about we go out to the lake? As a family! That's... one, two, three... a lot of us!

[*Audible cringing noise.*]

* **P****en**: [*growing more exasperated*] Come on, gang, we can go outside for once, it'll be totally awesome!
* **R****h****oza**: But we want to stay home and do nothing!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Yeah, just leave us alone, Pen, like you've done for the last ninety days.
* **P****en**: ***Giùvini lagnusi e tistardi sciti fùora ùora, bedda matri!***
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Yikes!
* **Iv****jær** (Ivor): Yes, sir!

[*Soni exspectati, as the kids file out of the flat quickly.*]

* **P****en**: [*picking up Soniri*] Gosh, I hope I didn't come on too mean.
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): No, you're just loud.
* **P****en**: Eh, Pencil'll be proud of me. I rewatched BFDIA, y'know. Your mother was a *fox*.

[*Exit* **Pen**, *carrying* **Soniri** *and his crib.*]

## Pre-contest

### **Outside**

**Scene****Two** gathers the Contestants to announce the contest. **Golf Ball** is with them for some reason. Helicopters continue to land in the background (with increasing frequency and volume so that they eventually become part of the foreground); and various characters come out who have had only few lines in the series before this episode. Enter **Pencil**.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sorry I'm late, Two, what's the contest?
* **Two**: Glad you asked, Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] I didn't miss anything, did I?
* **P****i****n**: You're good.
* **Two**: First of all, I have to ask you this: What happened in the series I sort of, er, took you from, when there were four contestants left in the game?
* **Golf Ball**: In BFB?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, Golf Ball, in the men's 5000-metre dash. /s
* **Golf Ball**: Just checking, Pencil. [*Two nods at Golf Ball's question.*] Hmm... let me see in the archives of my brain. When there were four contestants left—
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: The contestants had to escape the World's Largest Oven, BFB 27, first aired December 11th, 1972.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Hey, she said *two*, your favourite number.
* **Two**: [*surprised*] Oh. Ta for that, Remote! What I meant to ask you is this: What did the final four have to do in the *first* series?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Escape the bugs from the outside whilst the rest of us TLC-ers were eaten without warning.
* **P****i****n**: Hear, hear!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: That, and, they also had to go through a combination of all the challenges, of the previous episode.
* **Two**: That's right!

[*Silence, except for the helicopter noises.*]

* **Two**: Do you understand what's going on now?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You want us, to do all the challenges, that we've been doing in the series.
* **P****i****n**: Since the very first episode.
* **P****e****nci****l**: 'Cos this is the very *last* challenge we'll be doing.
* **Golf Ball**: E—
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: —ver.
* **Golf Ball**: Why must people always interrupt me?
* **Two**: You are all correct. As a wise speaker box once said, "The first person to complete all the contests in order wins immunity. If you die, you'll have to start all over again."

[*By now, the helicopter sounds have reached a peak in volume.*]

* **Golf Ball**: I fail to understand how those words can be considered wise.
* **Two**: It's a figure of speech, Golf Ball!
* **Golf Ball**: A *what?*
* **Two**: A figure of speech!
* **Golf Ball**: *I can't hear you!*
* **Two**: ***IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEEECH!***
* **Golf Ball**: *Speak up, there is a helicopter landing in front of us!*
* **Two**: What? I can't hear you over the helicopter landing in front of— [*looks up*] Oh, what the hell, I never asked this thing to come over here! Shoo, flying machine!

[*Two uses their motion-warping powers to move the Contestants out of the way so that the helicopter can land between them and them. Two then rips a blade of grass from the ground and starts smacking the helicopter with it.*]

* **Two**: Naughty chopper! Naughty chopper! I can call it that, can't I? I heard it in a movie. Naughty chopper!
* **Gra****ssy**: [*standing by*] This seems offensive!

[*The Contestants look at one another, concerned. The helicopter doors open and out come some of the Nixefta who no longer live on the Fovitwe, namely* **Coalladys**, **Hocksa** *and* **ʻUkulele**. **Golf Ball** *runs off because she does not like people.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Er, Two, are you aware that, just a few seconds ago, this helicopter was full of objects?
* **Two**: Oh. Hi, guys.
* **ʻ****Uku****le****le**: Aloha! I just left one form of heat for another!
* **Coal****la****dy****s**: Darn it, I wanted to greet them *and* talk to them about the weather, but you just *had* to steal that from me.
* **H****ock****sa**: Wonderful weather we're having, Two!
* **Coal****la****dy****s**: *Aaaargh!*
* **Two**: Would you please go to your stations, all of you?
* **H****ock****sa**: Right-o!

[*Exeunt.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Two, what did you mean by *stations*?
* **Two**: [*getting up in her face*] This is going to be very interesting!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Interesting enough for you to step away, I hope. I can see what you had for breakfast. /s
* **Two**: Sorry. [*steps back but accidentally steps on Pin's foot*]
* **P****i****n**: *Ai!*
* **Two**: Sorry again. Now, I must tell you that when you start your contest, you will not be going alone.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: If I have to go through 45 stages, with over 200 people orbiting me, I shall be very unhappy, Two.
* **Two**: No, no, no, it won't be like that, well, indeed it won't be like that! [*Beat.*] That came out wrong. Anyway, the last time such a challenge was held, the eliminated contestants were all available to assist Four in the competition. I'm doing the same here!

[*All gasp.*]

* **Two**: But not only with the eliminated contestants, but with all those who wanted a chance to be on the show in the first place. That's why I flew everybody back here!
* **P****e****nci****l**: How generous, Two.
* **P****i****n**: I agree, but Four was not the host when they did this contest in BFB.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: The host was the Announcer.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, when he came back from space or whatever it was.
* **Two**: Really?
* **P****i****n**: Don't you remember? It was one of the more emotional episodes.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I know people who cried, when Four sank into the desert.
* **Two**: Strange. I would have remembered if I'd cried at that, but I didn't.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Neither did I.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: That's rather heartless. /j
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote, you are not one of those people.
* **Two**: Anyway, it's time I started the contest, but I can't do that until everybody's in place!

[*Two points at the contest area. We see various props, signs and characters arranging themselves at record speed so that the Contestants have to go through each and every one as part of the final contest.*]

* **P****i****n**: Wow.
* **Two**: And it looks like everybody's almost finished, so if you start riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight... now—

[*The* **Contestants** *rush to the starting line and begin the contest.*]

* **Two**: [*spoken very quickly*] They'll be ready to—oh, come on!

## Contest, part 1

### **All the World's a Contest**

**Scene**The setting of this episode's contest.
#### Station #1 (All)

[*The remaining contestants,* i.e., **Black Hole**, **Pencil**, **Pin** *and* **Remote**, *move forward from the starting line, where they are stopped and greeted by* **Basketball**, **Hotel Bell**, **Urhixidur** *and none other than* **Eraser**, *next to whom a sign stands with the following wording.*]

**1973**

[*Enter* **Golf Ball**, *running.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, Golf Ball, where are you going?
* **Golf Ball**: [*stops*] I have been called to Station #38, the number of which I discovered while I was inside my residence.
* **P****i****n**: What were you doing there?
* **Golf Ball**: Trying to teach Costello how to prove to the eyeless government that Trebekka is obviously not my child, when a message found its way into my grand cerebrum!

[*Silence.*]

* **Golf Ball**: *React!*
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, yeah, contest time. Remote.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: C'mon [*pronounced "sea-mon"*], Let me in, man.

[**Black Hole** *lets* **Remote** *into his orbit and floats up the hotel with her so they can continue the main part of the competition route. Pencil and Pin, still on the ground, look up in surprise.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: No fair, I wasn't there to do this! I was still very much a non-participator.
* **P****i****n**: But weren't you in class with Four at the time?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, Pin, I was learning how to scale his bosom. /s
* **P****i****n**: Well, I was there and I know what to do. This was Coiny's idea, so if this goes wrong... don't blame me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: If what goes wrong?
* **P****i****n**: This might hurt a little!

[**Pin** *grabs* **Golf Ball** *and uses her to scale up the hotel.*]

* **Golf Ball**: What? Physically, this makes no sense whatsoever!
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*to Eraser and Hotel Bell*] Haha, Golf Ball's being *used*.
* **Hote****l** **Bell**: The shoe is on the other hand.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*calling from below*] So you're just going to leave me down here like that, Pin?
* **P****i****n**: Pretty much!
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's a good thing we're friends; otherwise I'd... well, I don't know what I'd do!

[*Pencil sits down, trying to think of a way up the building. She hears the Contestant Helpers talking amongst themselves.*]

* **Hote****l** **Bell**: *Gut, Urhixidur, daß du keine Vorführung machen mußtest.*
* **Urhixidur**: *Nein!*

[*Pencil sighs.*]

* **Baske****t****ball**: Need a little help there, Pencil? I could always carve up an elevator and buttons to go with it.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That's very kind of you, Basketball, but those buttons wouldn't do anything.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Right.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Besides, I'm more of a self-made woman.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Same!

[*Hotel Bell and Urhixidur recline in their chairs.*]

* **Urhixidur**: You make sense, Eraser.
* **Hote****l** **Bell**: *Ja*, very much sense.
* **Urhixidur**: Laziness is—
* **Eraser**: ***EXACTLY!***

[*Pencil covers her right *ear* and looks at him.*]

* **Eraser**: Hiya, toots.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't ever call me that again.

#### Station #2 (BH, RE)

[**Black Hole** *and* **Remote** *are currently in the lead. Their current station represents the second episode of the series, and they are met by* **Coloce** *and* **Hocksa**. **Bottle** *lies on the ground next to them, at first with a neutral expression on her face, but she becomes happy when she sees them coming towards her. The nearby sign reads as follows, with the addition of the word "metaphorically" scribbled on in purple marker.*]

**1973**

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hello, Bottle.
* **Bot****tle**: [*gets up*] Hi, guys!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What goes on and why is your name featured on the sign?
* **Bot****tle**: I honestly don't know!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, it's because, Two announced that the challenge for this episode was, to bring Bottle back to life, even though nobody actually did it. You, you were dead for this as well, Remote, so it makes sense that you do not remember.
* **Colo****ce**: That's really smart!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I see.
* **Ice Cube**: [*in the distance*] Wha?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Now, Bottle's alive, so we just have to make her feel better, for life and happiness are extremely related.
* **H****ock****sa**: Wai-wai-wait, so if you're dead, does that mean you're not happy?
* **Colo****ce**: Yeah, is that true?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: No, but I have a feeling, that if I say it out loud, it might be one day.
* **Colo****ce**: That's very optimistic! Carry on.

[**Hocksa** *and* **Coloce** *retire to the back.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Okay, Bottle, prepare to be happy.
* **Bot****tle**: [*giggles*] I'm already happy!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Em-hem. Bottle, in five billion years the Sun will expand into a red giant and very likely swallow up the Earth and all objects on it.

[*Silence. Then Bottle starts to weep loudly as Black Hole, Remote, Hocksa and Coloce watch (and don't do much about it). Enter* **Pin** *and* **Golf Ball**.]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Really, Remote?
* **Golf Ball**: This scene does not look right to me!

[*Exit* **Golf Ball**, *running to her station (along with a few other latecomers in the distance).*]

* **P****i****n**: Goodbye, Golf Ball, it was nice hearing from you after all those minutes. Uh, what's going on here?
* **Colo****ce**: [*pointing at Remote*] Remote made Bottle cry when she's supposed to make her happy!
* **H****ock****sa**: Nice explanation, Coloce. /s I bet the Announcer couldn't do half as well if he were speaking Loglan.
* **P****i****n**: Make her happy, huh? I know what to do. [*clears her throat*] Bottle? Meet cake.
* **Bot****tle**: [*gasps*] I love cake!

[*Cake gasps from Station #10.*]

* **Colo****ce**: You're good to go, Pin. Nice gold metal, by the way.
* **P****i****n**: Yay, and thanks!

[*Exit* **Pin**.]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: [*going*] Ooh, goody. I'll go by proxy.
* **H****ock****sa**: No-xy, I mean, *no*. You two must stay here.

#### Station #1 (PC)

* **Eraser**: Bruh, I don't see why you're so mad.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I can name a hundred reasons why I'm angry: corruption, social injustice, the lack of fair elections in the country. My father's... somewhere, and I've not even the slightest idea where he stands in all this.
* **Eraser**: Hey, I didn't ask for no reasons. You're really mad about Pen, aren't ya?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah, so you've heard of him? /s That kid brother of yours whom, for ninety days, you treated like a hound dog, was it?
* **Eraser**: A hound dog? Who are you? L-vis? Literally not even. Pencil, I'm... just not used to hosting people, that's all. Always looked after animals, not actual people with, like, high standards and chiz. So that's all I know. Wild things. I'm just shocked Pen made such a fuss about it, considering what he brags to me 'bout you and him... y'know... [*mischievously raises an eyebrow*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] I'll non–death-prevent him. /j [*Aloud.*] Well, I can't help you learn from your mistakes now.
* **Eraser**: Why? Don't you remember when me and Match crashed in you guys's flat B.S.? [*Subtitles: "Before Sonny"*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, but I can't help you *now*; I've got a contest to do.

[*Pencil clings to the fake hotel and tries to climb it.*]

* **Eraser**: This mean you accept my apology?
* **P****e****nci****l**: You haven't even said "sorry" yet.
* **Eraser**: [*gruffly*] Sorry.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*Aside.*] Which, for some reason, is all it takes to beg for forgiveness in these parts. /s [*Aloud.*] Thank you, that's all I seem to have expected to hear.
* **Eraser**: So you good now?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye. Now can you please throw me up? If I'm not in last place, I'm probably managing very little in my sleep.
* **Eraser**: Mm.

[*Eraser lifts Pencil up.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Wait, I don't know what you've been doing! Did you wash your hands at least?
* **Eraser**: Yeah, with what's growing on the grass. [*snorts*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*sighs*] Whatever, just throw me anyway.
* **Eraser**: 'Kay.

[*Eraser throws Pencil up the fake hotel building.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Whee.

[*Fade to the next scene.*]

## Subplot, part 1

### **Edge of the Fovitwe**

**Scene****Pen** is taking all **the kids** (including **Soniri** in his cot) on a trip to the lake. He's wearing his trademark sunglasses; and in humanaho, he also wears a baseball cap backwards (as in so many of his humanizations). This is the start of a new look of his that will never die. In the background, a few very late contestant helpers are visible, running to their stations.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Are you *double* sure you don't need help carrying Soniri's crib?
* **P****en**: Nope, I got it. But good on you for caring about your brother, Zira; that's real nice.

[*Pen sees* **Tree** *and* **Gregg** *rushing to their station. He perks up and waves at them.*]

* **P****en**: Hi, guys!

[*They turn around.*]

* **G****r****e****g****g**: Pen, hello!
* **T****r****e****e**: You're supposed to be with us and Orpha Christensen at Station 42. Why are you going in the opposite direction?
* **P****en**: Oh, we're headed to the lake for some bonding time. Pencil encouraged it, as a matter of fact. Kids, I'd like you to meet some really good friends of mine, Tree Leigh and Gregg McIntyreakis.

[*Gregg laughs quietly.*]

* **T****r****e****e**: Greetings, children.

[*Soni exspectati.*]

* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): 'Sup, Leigh.
* **O****is** (Lou): We've already met! Fancy another chess match next Sunday?
* **T****r****e****e**: Any time, Lewis.
* **O****is** (Lou): Yes!
* **T****r****e****e**: I'm sorry, Pen, but you'll have to excuse us; we're in a bit of a hurry. I don't want Black Hole or someone-or-other to come to our station and the only one there is Golf Ball's farmer-stock daughter. [*going*]
* **P****en**: Aw, that's my buddy, always on time! [*finger-guns him*]
* **R****h****oza**: He sure was on time when he wrote you that cold message earlier.
* **P****en**: Oh yeah. [*Aloud.*] Hey, Tree—
* **T****r****e****e**: [*a bit* *annoyed*] Whaaat?
* **P****en**: I wanted to ask you about your Eris chant, uh, *chat* group.
* **T****r****e****e**: The ECC?
* **P****en**: *Sì!* [*giggles*] I joined this morning and then you sent me this really, um... not nice message 'cause I made a grammar mistake. What was that all about?

[*Tree looks away, awkwardly.*]

* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): You told him to eat dirt and called him trash!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Yeah, I'm not really a fan of the guy, but even I can say that was too much.
* **T****r****e****e**: Oh, that message! Yeah, I send that to everyone who breaks the server rules.
* **P****en**: So you're not mad at me?
* **T****r****e****e**: No. Yeah, no, you're good for now, Pen.
* **P****en**: Yay!
* **G****r****e****g****g**: Don't feel bad, he even sent those words to me from impersonating a contestant.
* **T****r****e****e**: You were trying to be Pencil.

[*Pen bursts into laughter.*]

* **P****en**: The thought of Gregg pretending to be my Pencil, ah, that's so *hilar!* A'ight, fellas, see you later.
* **G****r****e****g****g**: Toodle-oo!
* **T****r****e****e**: Bye, and don't forget to prevent death today.

[*Exeunt.*]

* **P****en**: So, what d'you guys think?
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): He's a nerd, like *you!*
* **P****en**: Eyy, cut that out, will ya? [*claps*] Let's go, we can't miss any more of our best bonding day ever!
* **Y****es****a**: And, at the moment, our *only* bonding day ever.
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): I want to get there first!
* **So****ldaa****r** **V.** (Sol): Oh, no, you don't, Max!
* **M****a****xin****e** (Max): Don't tell me what I don't want!

[*Incipiunt ire omnes. Pen struggles the most—he has to carry Soniri in his cot.*]

* **P****en**: Hold up, kids!
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): But are you *triple* sure you don't need help?
* **P****en**: Triple sure.
* **T****i****z****e****yra** (Zira): Okay!

[*The other kids pass Pen by.*]

* **P****en**: [*to Soniri*] I tell ya, I used to be a lot faster. You should have seen me back in the day. I was a tiny torpedo!
* **So****ni****ri** (Sonny): *Torpedino!*
* **P****en**: Hey, you got it! Up top, pal!

[*Pen reaches into the cot to give Soniri a "high/low five", but gets his hand bitten instead.*]

* **P****en**: Ow!

[*View of inside the cot. Soniri cracks a tiny smirk, just like his father.*]

## Contest, part 2

#### Station #2 (BH, RE → PC)

[**Black Hole** *and* **Remote** *are still trying to make Bottle happy again.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: And, and, if you weren't so transparent, you'd be blue.
* **Bot****tle**: [*putting her arms on her surface like* The Scream] Oh no.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: N- not like blue as in, erm, sad, I mean, blue enough for you to see through. Yeah.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I sincerely hope that makes sense to you.
* **Bot****tle**: Oh, it doesn't, but you've made me feel better! [*smiles big*]
* **Colo****ce**: And with Bottle happy once more, you two are finally good to go!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Thank you. In future, though, I hope you will not hold mini-contests like this, and such; they almost double as emotional manipulation.
* **H****ock****sa**: Hey, we don't make the rules here.
* **Bot****tle**: I love nipul!

[*Exeunt. Enter* **Pencil**. *Bottle frowns again.*]

* **Colo****ce**: Good day, Pencil, your task is to make Bottle happy.
* **Bot****tle**: I'm frowning so you can't tell I'm happy on the inside!
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*awkwardly*] Euuuuuur...

#### Station #3 (BH, RE)

[*In this stage inspired by the third challenge of the series,* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote** *directly face* **Balloony**, **Tape** *and* **Lightbulb**. *The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1973**

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hi, guys.
* **Balloony**: Hullo!
* **T****ap****e**: Wah gwaan?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Not much.
* **Balloony**: Now I amn't sure if ye ken this, but in this challenge you hae to jook the spoilers.

[*Silence.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Huh.
* **L****igh****tbul****b**: You have to run past us as fast as you can while we fling spoilers at you.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh, I remember this challenge. Back then, the spoilers were for BFB, and I expect it will be the same here, so the impact shouldn't be so, um, impactful.
* **Balloony**: Och, they're na spoilers fae BFB.
* **T****ap****e**: They come from Season 11.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Dear Hawking, we haven't seen the whole series. TV insists on playing *All My Objects* during its regular time slot.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Float on, BH.

[*Exeunt.*]

* **Balloony**: Jings, right when I was aboot tae mention my guest appearance!
* **L****igh****tbul****b**: And I don't think either of them wanted to hear about *Inanimate Insanity* Season 8.
* **[** **Balloony** · **T****ap****e** **]**: **[** Nae! · No. **]**

[*Beat.*]

* **L****igh****tbul****b**: What?

#### Station #4 (BH, PI, RE)

[*Enter* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote** *to the station representing TPOT 4, staffed by* **Donut** *and* **Blender** *(who sort of stands in the back, uninterested).* **Pin** *is there already. The nearby sign reads as follows.*]

**1974**

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Hi.
* **B****l****en****de****r**: [*bored*] Hello.
* **Donut**: Ooh, this is exciting, my next two people!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What do you mean?
* **Donut**: Oh... I can't call you *customers*, even jokingly, on account of my being retired.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yeah, um, we sort of got that vibe from you.
* **Donut**: Anyway, your task is the same as the one you got when I wasn't retired: you have to build a cage for Nonexisty.

[*Remote points at Pin, who seems to be working with her hands on something.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Is that what Pin's doing?
* **Donut**: Yes, that's exactly what— [*looks at Pin*] Pin, what the heck do you think you're doing?
* **P****i****n**: I'm working with air.
* **Donut**: What, are you making a cage out of it?
* **P****i****n**: Y... yeah, why not?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Sounds like a good idea.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: We can do it too.

[*Remote does the same hand motions.*]

* **Donut**: [*sighs*] As long as Nonexisty's happy about it, I suppose. You *are* happy, aren't you, Nonexisty?

[*Silence.*]

* **Donut**: Oh, good.

[*Remote and Pin both press the "Done!" buttons that are embedded on the track.*]

Click **here** to continue to the next part.
## Notes

1. ↑ The alternate titles for this episode are "**Sail Away, Sail Away**", "**Sail Away (And Back Again)**", "**Let the Goiky Canal Flow**", "**Let Me Sail**", "**Turn It Up, Adieu**" (and various other permutations of the song lyrics to Enya's "Orinoco Flow"), as well as "**All the World's a Contest**", "**Return to Odds**" and "**Doubles Be Gone**".
2. ↑ It's an illusion. In reality, Yesa is almost as tall as Pencil, but since the entrance to the refurbished flat is sort of "curved", so to say, and since Pen's standing in front of her during this scene, she just *looks* shorter.
3. ↑ Insert the totally weird flashback of Pen saying "Discord server" and "voice chat" in the same sentence.
4. ↑ Amazingly enough, the text to speech website pronounces both instances of *object* differently.
5. ↑ The only reason this scene is ridiculously long is because I had this in my head since, like, April. (At the time I had more thoughts for *this* episode than the one before it.)
6. ↑ Oh, it's not that bad; BFB 28's contest started about halfway through the episode as well.
7. ↑ It's 1989, so the *ß* ("Es-zett") was used more frequently than it is today.
8. ↑ I had this whole scene thought up last night and when I woke up the next morning it was forgotten.
9. ↑ That is the second joke in the series with a word that sounds very similar to the word "nipple" but isn't. Hey, they said it in *Gumball* at least twice!

**Fake TPOT** [V]