Got No Beard

This song debuted during the February 2020 livestream where it was announced to be one of the new tracks on a forthcoming album. It was released as the 11th track on the 2020 album Cures What Ails Ya.

It was written as a mockery of the tendency for shanty singers to have to face criticism about their appearance, and the numerous outlandish qualifiers for being a member of a shanty band. Dave Robinson and Robbie Sattin wrote the song as a collaborative effort and as such it is a  Longest Johns original.

## Factoids

The call back of "big chest!" is likely a reference to the chorus of traditional folk song "My Brother Sylvest", which often relies upon the audience to shout "big chest" after the line "A row of forty medals on his chest."

## Lyrics

As listed in the *Cures What Ails Ya* album sleeve.

>
> I once met a man who said he was a fan
>
> He wanted to sing in my shanty band
>
> But the bottom of his face looked weird (so weird!)
>
> There was skin on his chin that I loathed and feared
>
> From his crown to ear he was most sincere
>
> But you can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!
>
>
>
> (Chorus)
>
> Got no beard, you got no beard
>
> You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard
>
> Got no beard, you got no beard
>
> You can't sing shanties if you got no beard
>
>
>
> I once met a gal who'd heard sea songs
>
> She came to the show and she sung along
>
> But her timing with a shout was slow (so slow!)
>
> She was graced with a face like the morning glow
>
> But her holler was a blow from the very front row
>
> Said you can't sing shanties if you can't shout Ho!
>
>
>
> (Chorus)
>
> Can't shout ho, you can't shout ho
>
> You can't sing shanties if you can't shout ho
>
> Can't shout ho, you can't shout ho
>
> You can't sing shanties if you can't shout ho
>
> And you got no beard
>
>
>
> I once met a guy on a weird machine
>
> Had wheels and a bell, no mast to be seen
>
> He was shouting from a pad of notes (no notes!)
>
> And the wheels got caught on his overcoat
>
> And he fell from the pier clawing at his throat
>
> Oh you can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat
>
>
>
> (Chorus)
>
> Don't own a boat, you don't own a boat
>
> You can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat
>
> Don't own a boat, you don't own a boat
>
> You can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat
>
> And you can't shout ho
>
> And you got no beard
>
>
>
> I once met a bloke on a tavern floor
>
> He'd had ten beers but I'd had ten more
>
> And his piggy little face was pink, (so pink!)
>
> He tried to shout the words but all out of sync
>
> With a voice so bad it'll make you think
>
> That you can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink
>
>
>
> (Chorus)
>
> Can't hold your drink, you can't hold your drink
>
> You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink
>
> Can't hold your drink you can't hold your drink
>
> You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink
>
> And you don't own a boat
>
> And you can't shout ho
>
> And you got no beard
>
>
>
> I once met a sailor all big and broad
>
> With an eye-patch, parrot, and a long curved sword
>
> Had a chest like a powder keg (big chest!)
>
> But he had both shoes and they smelled like eggs
>
> I expect he would look better with a wooden peg
>
> 'Cause you can't sing shanties if you've got two legs
>
>
>
> (Chorus)
>
> Got two legs, you got two legs
>
> You can't sing shanties if you got two legs
>
> Got two legs, you got two legs
>
> You can't sing shanties if you got two legs
>
> And you can't hold your drink
>
> And you don't own a boat
>
> And you can't shout ho
>
> and you got no beard
>
>
>
> Well Anna's got no beard
>
> And Dave, he has a bike
>
> Robbie's father-in-law has boats but won't sing on the mic
>
> JD can't shout ho because his wife takes much offense
>
> And Andy's got two beautiful hairy legs
>
>
>
> But there's no reason good enough not to join us
>
> So sing along with the very last chorus!
>
>
>
> Got no beard, you got no beard
>
> You can't sing shanties if you got no beard
>
> Got no beard, you got no beard
>
> You can't sing shanties if you got no beard
>
> Got no beard, you got no beard
>
> You can't sing shanties if you got no beard
>
> Got no beard, you got no beard
>
> You can't sing shanties if you got no beard
>
> And you've got two legs
>
> And you can't hold your drink
>
> And you don't own a boat
>
> And you can't shout ho
>
> And you got no...
>
> Beard!
>
>
>
>

## Recordings

#### Streaming/Purchase

* Amazon Music
* Apple Music/iTunes
* Bandcamp
* Deezer
* Pandora
* Spotify

#### YouTube Videos

* Music video
* Album version

#### Gig Videos

* Shrewsbury Folk Festival (27 Aug 2021)
* The Whelan's - Dublin (3 Dec 2021)
* Old Songs (25 Feb 2022)
* Le Poisson Rouge, NYC (27 Feb 2022)
* Beards Dancing to The Longest Johns - Got No Beard (Jul 2022)
* The Studio at the Factory - Dallas, TX (23 Nov 2022)
* Kraków, Poland (26 Feb 2023)
* Jimmy's - Liverpool (9 Dec 2022)
* Cursus Festival (26 May 2023)
* Beardy Folk Festival (16 Jun 2023)

#### Full Band Streams

* Live Stream, All aboard the Good Ship Valentine(ish) with The Longest Johns (19 Feb 2020)
* The Longest Johns In Quarantine (after failed intro + love to @El Pony Pisador ) (18 Mar 2020)
* The Longest Johns Save the Day! Or maybe just sing and chat... (29 Apr 2020)
* Album Launch Party! Cures What Ails Ya, Available June 10th (Preorder Now) (10 Jun 2020)
* Carry On My Wayward Stream (16 Sep 2020)
* Nice Stream Sundae (Wednesday) (1 Sep 2020)
* Nightmare on Elm Stream (17 Oct 2020)
* THE SING ALONG! JINGLE JAM 2021 - DAY 6! w/ The Longest Johns (9 Dec 2021)
* Ex-Stream Sports (15 Feb 2022)
* In Space No One Can Hear You Stream (Oct 2022)
* Jingle Jam 2023 | Day 4 (4 Dec 2023)
* JINGLE JAM DAY 8! The Longest Johns Live Jingle Jam Concert (8 Dec 2023)

#### Gaming Streams

* Anyone for a Shanty? | Sea of Thieves Singing Live Stream!! (Part 2) (23 Sep 2020)
* Sea of Thieves Tall Tales Marathon for Charity: Part 2 (24 Jun 2020)
* Sea of Sings! 3 2 1 SHANT! - 26/10/2020
* DROPS! Sea of Sings! with BehavingBeardly! SHANT! - 30/10/2020
* Sea of Sings! with Spammals! SHANT! - 1/11/2020
* Sea of Adventure with BehavingBeardly - 27/11/2020
* Sea of Hijinks with Freyline - 29/11/2020
* Sea of Sings! Pirate malarkey afoot! - 15/01/2021
* Sea of Sings! Let's get splashy! - 06/02/2021
* Sea of Sings with Azuki and HappyKrakenX - 08/02/2021
* Singing and a'Sailing with RobRaven - 16/08/2021