The Alchemist

Host: Dirka
Book: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

## Cast

* Jackie - Desmond Hamilton
* Taxi Driver 1 - Ian Hanmore
* Eddie - Ross MacFarlane
* Taxi Driver 2 - Ian McColl
* Bart - Lawrence Ray
* Lars - Gotti Sigurdarson
* Swimmer - Judith Williams
* Clare Pettengill - Anne Dudek
* Dirka Nilssen - Bonnie Engstrom
* Janice McCann - Michelle Gomez
* Barney Glendenning - James Lance
* Kenny McLeod - Rory McCann
* Fist de Grooke - Saskia Mulder
* Rab - Derek Riddell

## Plot

### Part One

Janice, curlers in her hair, stands at the mirror. Interrupted periodically by her husband, Jackie, she imagines interviewing the author of *The Alchemist*. Dirka, in bed alongside her husband, is trying to masturbate, but the half-asleep Lars interrupts her so she reads instead. Bart wants Fist to watch game highlights with him (he was Man of the Match), but she’d rather read. Clare, pulled from her reading by a phone call from her mother, weaves a tale of social prosperity. At the leisure centre, Kenny helps his coworker Eddie with a crossword puzzle while he reads. An attractive woman comes to the counter asking for soap and chats with Kenny; she doesn’t seem to know that he’s in a wheelchair. Dirka is eating ice cream in bed, though Lars worries she’ll get fat. Bart watches the game with enthusiasm, calling out to Fist in the other room. Clare spots Barney speaking in Spanish with somebody in the bookstore. When he approaches her, she affects a carefree attitude, pretending to have forgotten his name. Rab considers his copy of *The Alchemist* but would rather make eyes at a guy in the bookstore. The swimmer returns to flirt with Kenny, who is cautious. Fist leaves Bart still watching his highlights. Clare spots Rab in the bookstore and tries to start a friendly chat, but he’s distracted. She tells him she might have clinical depression. Rab’s handsome stranger moves closer, and Clare gives up and leaves. The swimmer follows Kenny after he closes up and kisses him, but he resists her advances *(because she’s a prostitute maybe? This summary was written by an American and sometimes the accents trip me up)*. Rab chats with a taxi driver about rich footballers’ wives and the average length of a Premier League player’s career-- Rab has calculated the statistics.

### Part Two

Janice has made a Victoria sponge cake with an *Alchemist* decoration. Barney shows up late and acting erratically. Bart interrupts the book group, and he, Fist, Dirka, and Lars argue until Lars drags Bart away. Fist asks to speak with Clare in private, where she asks Clare to be her best friend. Clare realizes that Fist is breaking up with Bart. Fist was inspired by the book to listen to her heart. Clare points out that Paulo Coelho might have written pretty-sounding advice that’s not so easy for regular people to actually apply. In the other room, the rest of the group is enjoying cake with ice cream. Rab notices that Dirka has a PlayStation 2, and he and Kenny start a game of *Driver*. Clare discusses types of therapy with Fist. Janice is good at *Driver*. Fist thinks Clare is lucky to be “ordinary-looking,” which Clare does not take as the compliment that Fist, who is tired of everyone staring at her, meant it to be. While washing dishes in the kitchen, Janice talks with Bart and Lars. Television persona on, Janice asks Bart about his recent goal. While Barney naps, Dirka tries to get closer with Kenny, who is disappointed that the discussing-the-book aspect of book group has been abandoned so completely. He agrees to play book title charades with her and successfully identifies her interpretation of *One Hundred Years of Solitude*. Barney wakes up in time to criticize that book; he prefers *Love in the Time of Cholera*. Clare and Fist return, and Barney agrees to let Fist move into his spare room. In the kitchen, Bart, encouraged by Lars and Rab, recreates his goal. Later, Kenny offers to share his taxi with Clare; everyone else has already left. She’s feeling low after Fist’s assessment of her looks. In the taxi, Kenny points out landmarks of Glasgow and tries to cheer up Clare. He reveals that he’s dealing with medical complications. Before Clare gets out of the taxi, he kisses her.

## Translations

*(4:56 Bart watching the game, 5:33 Barney in the bookstore, 13:02 Fist on the phone)*