Shady Summaries

Nearly every episode features shady summaries of the movie(s) discussed from the hosts and guests (and sometimes the Queerwolf Pack Facebook group). A "Shady Summary" is a brief one or two sentence summary of the movie being discussed. Movies are listed in alphabetical order.

## **#**

**1408**

 **Ayesha** | Twenty-four hour concierge gone wrong, like completely off the rails.

## **A**

**Alien 3**

 **Michael** | I don't really have one. It's just Ripley cubed. Thank you. Actually, thinking about what you said, Nay, it's like, ugh, being trapped on a ship with all your bullies. Like the people that treated me the worst in life, so. Ripley kicks ass, she's me

**An American Werewolf in London**

## **B**

**The Babadook**

**Black X-Mas (a.k.a. Black Christmas [2006])**

 **Dallas Jones (from Facebook)** | Only the eleventh worst Christmas movie of Lacey Chabert's career.

**Bound**

## **C**

**Carrie [1976]**

 **Mark** | It's just a line from the movie. Mine is just, like, "Where shall I put it Miss Collins?" That's my favorite. My favorite. "Now spit out that gum."

**Cruising**

## **D**

**Damien: Omen II**

**Daughters of Darkness**

 **Brennan** | A lesbian vampire movie that would rather be about luxury dresses than lesbians or vampires, and I only resent that a little

**Death Becomes Her**

**Dracula's Daughter**

 **Nay** | ...the main point I think I took away is that, "I'd be so sad to be a fine-ass lesbian vampire and *never be able to see myself in the mirror*!" Fuck! That is so sad!

**Dressed to Kill**

## **F**

**The Fan [1981]**

 **Mark** | *The Fan:* Imagine *The Bodyguard* but no one can sing.

**The Faculty**

## **G**

**Ginger Snaps**

**Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed**

**The Guest**

## **H**

**Heavenly Creatures**

 **Mark** | (to the tune of "Eleanor Rigby")
*Heavenly Creatures,* it's not on iTunes or Netflix or Hulu or Prime
Lesbian crime

**Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II**

**Hellraiser**

 **Nay** | Wow, the things one does for good dick.

**The Hitcher**

 **Sam** | When a cute guy picks up the world's *creepiest hitchhiker* at four AM, he's somehow surprised that the guy is a murderer

**High Tension (a.k.a. Haute Tension)**

 **Michael** | Join me as I roll my eyes to Uranus and back while witnessing a lesbian wish she had a dick so she can pee standing up and get severed head head.

**The Hunger**

 **Michael** | Excess is sexy and gay.

## **I**

 **Michael** | A vampire movie that makes you feel like a vampire because it's so fucking slow it lasts forever

## **J**

**Jason Goes to Hell: The FInal Friday**

 **Derek** | A *Friday the 13th* movie for people who don't like Jason.

**Jennifer's Body**

## **L**

**Let's Scare Jessica to Death**

 **Parker** | A bored lesbian vampire who has dominion over a town of geriatric white men decides to mess around with a group of hippies

**Little Shop of Horrors [1986]**

**The Lost Boys**

 **Michael** | Come see some hot guys play around with their blood.

## **N**

**A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge**

 **Mark** | It's *Boy Erased* but now with one hundred percent more undead pedophile

**A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors**

 **Brennan** | (To the tune of the first season theme for *Crazy Ex-girlfriend*)
I was working hard
at a state grad school
to avoid my dreams
One day teens were dying a lot
And so I decided to move to…
Westin Sanitarium!
With a brand-new group,
A new career
There happens to be a hot doctor,
But that's not why I'm here!
*I'm* (pre-recorded Brennan) the Final Girl!
Nancy Thompson!
(Pre-recorded Brennan) The Final Girl!
Here to save the day
No way I'm gonna die!
N-a-n-c-y, (pre-recorded Brennan) the Final Girl

**Night School**

 **Mark** | Come major in misogyny in *Night School*, a movie that asks the question, "Could Boston be any worse?" The answer is, "Yes," thanks to lecherous professors, decapitation, dimwit police and one truly amazing wig

**Night Warning (a.k.a. Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker)**

When your crazy aunt goes and kills the gay repairman,
she's gonna have a fit (clap clap)
 **Nay** | Auntie Cheryl needs several kinds of therapy

## **P**

**The Perfection**

 **Michael** | Mine is only about Allison Williams. So, I say this in honor of Jada Pinkett-Smith in *Scream 2*. "It's a dumbass white movie about some dumbass white girl gettin' her arm cut the fuck up."

**Porno**

## **R**

**The Rage: Carrie 2**

 **Sam** | Girl who *hates* snow globes learns that less is a lot more with a wet look. Murders her *entire* senior class *and* finds love. In that order

**Rebecca [1940]**

 **Nay** | What a fucking mess. That's all I've got. What a fucking mess

**The Rocky Horror Picture Show**

**Rosemary's Baby [1968]**

 **Michael** | White men have not changed.

## **S**

**Scream 2**

**Seed of Chucky**

 **Michael** | It's a hardcore Nineties slasher in an already deep-in-the-aughts world. Very meta 90s vibe, yeah. It's no shade, that's just what that movie is to me

**Silence of the Lambs**

 **Mark** | (to the tune of Vanessa Williams's "Save the Best for Last")
Multiple Miggs comes on your face,
Isn't this world a crazy place?
Starling and Lecter we'll always stan,
 **Michael** | Jodie makes the lambs stop screaming

**Single White Female**

 **Jeff** | Jennifer Jason Leigh is a psycho bitch.

**Sleepaway Camp**

 **Mark** | Welcome to Camp Trigger Warning. It's just, every scene is a slap in the face to logic, propriety, decency…

**Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers**

 **Sam** | Five years after her murder spree, a child poses as an adult to kill other adults posing as children at a summer camp

**The Slumber Party Massacre**

**Suspiria [2018]**

## **T**

**The Talented Mr. Ripley**

**Tales From the Hood**

**Tammy & The T-Rex**

**Teeth**

 **Nay** | Nuclear waste bad bitch basically teaches us how to search for body autonomy.

## **V**

**Vampyros Lesbos**

 **Mark** | *Bram Stoker's Dracula* as performed by the crew and guests of *Lindsay Lohan's Beach House*.

**Vegas in Space**

 **Mark** | When in Clitoris...

## **W**

**Witchboard**

 **Brennan** | The only horror film in history that insists upon pronouncing "ouija" the right way. A ten out of ten masterpiece.

**Windows**

 **Mark** | *Windows*. It's like if *Carol* was made by Joe Eszterhas or
(to the tune of "Come To My Window")
Come to my *Windows*
Crawl inside
Freeze my pet cat like a loon
Come to my *Windows*
 **Brennan** | "A harrowing account of the lengths a gay in the Eighties will go to to impress *literally* any straight person." Because that's how I would describe Talia Shire in this movie. Any straight person with a Junie B. Jones haircut