Van Wilder Original Cut

I've always been obsessed with National Lampoon's Van Wilder, ever since well I can't even remember how long. Tell a lie, I do remember. I work on a boat and we were taking a leisurely late night pass along the grey and murky ocean, when I decided to go for a dive. While in the ocean, I got carried away and I guess I swam too close to the bottom of the sea as next thing I know I was attacked by a giant squid. Giant squids typically nest in the deepest and darkest part of the ocean. How did I get down there so far without succumbing the severe atmospheric pressure, well let's just say I can breath underwater and feel no pressh thanks to my father being Hydro Man. Back in the rocking 70's, Hydro Man was known for sleeping around a lot mainly to avoid attention from the cops who knew about his weekly trips to the Tattaglia nightclub. Hydro Man thought he did well to cover his tracks, but outside the nightclub's front entrance there was a massive puddle of water indicating his visit. I only feel comfortable when I'm in the water, and while at the leisure centre I just sit at the bottom of the pool which delights the lifeguard on duty who is quite sadistic as people who are scared to jump in the water are happily thrown in by him. Being almost pure water was the reason I wanted to sail the seas in the first place. Ever since I was a boy I wanted to sail the seas forever, but if you want further details on that I suggest subbing to my podcast Sea Devils which I host with my uncle Randy. We only have two subs, and we need more. MORE! Anyways, after being attacked by the squid, I was bedridden in my cabin for six days and while I recovered I decided to watch something on the telly. Van Wilder was the only thing on that actually looked appealing, the rest of the shows were in Spanish the only other English programming was Baby Looney Tunes with the overly patronising ice cream man, but I wasn't interested in that. Van Wilder is about a college student named... Van Wilder DUH who has been studying at Coolidge College for seven years, when Poppa Wilder decides to stop paying the toll meaning Van has to find an alternative mode of income. A journalist from the college paper; Gwen Pearson is asked to write a paper on Van as the two spend time together Van realises that maybe he is afraid to graduate. Meanwhile, Gwen's smelly protein shake loving boyfriend Richard Bagg who is a pre-med decides that the two are getting too close, and he moves to sabotage their blooming romance which so blooms so elegantly that even Orlando Bloom would be jealous. Richard is a proper scum, and this makes the revenge pranks that he is subjected to all the more gratifying. I laughed all night long watching the movie, and I have now seen Van Wilder over 9000 times,

Something that caught me off guard however, is that there seems to be very little buzz about the movie online. No one in the cast seems particularly thrilled to talk about it. I once saw Ryan Reynolds at a bus stop, and asked him about the film but he just laughed as it turns out it wasn't Ryan Reynolds it was an old man who lives on the estate. He looks like Santa Claus, and he rolls a trolley everywhere and when I asked if he had seen Ryan Reynolds he just responded, "everywhere!" How did I mistake that Santa wannabe for Ryan Reynolds? I hadn't put me contacts in. I never put them in. I'm scared of touching me eyeballs, they're so moist. I can only find a couple reviews online one of a man who is incredibly sweaty and in a hoodie who talks about how the eclair scene might make you sick real quick. The other had a man with his hand on his face who although he liked the movie there was someplace he'd rather be. Taking a dump. Sorry about that, I wanted to find more about the film's production, but to my dismay there is very little information online. After asking my boating buddy Discount Harry Potter if he knew about the film's production. I asked him this because he had actually appeared in Van Wilder as an extra during Richard's medical entrance exam. He is one of the many med students that get annoyed with Richard's horrid gas. Discount Harry Potter works for an investment company these days in case you were interested and I know that you were, he at least could have been practising magic but in any case he told me that before filming the colon blow scene, he was lucky enough to have a chance meeting with one of the production crew who took a liking to Discount Harry Potter. He decided to tell the young nat about how early in the film's production, things were going to be different. "How different?" I asked, but I got no answer instead Discount Harry Potter was about to say something when all of the sudden a poison dart was shot into his neck. I turned around to see who fired the shot, but saw no one well actually I saw someone dressed remarkably well as Deadpool standing on an office block across from where we were standing. I looked back on over to Discount Harry Potter whose face had become green and lumpy; now resembling that of a frog as he croaked out, "mm scotty pea," and then he died. Probably ate too many pork rinds poor bastard, but I didn't really care much as I care about no one else the only thing I care about is the open sea. I reached into the back pocket of the man now lying on the ground, and I was able to find a small yellow piece of paper which contained a list of all the what could have beens in Van Wilder. Here is a rundown of what was said on the paper which smelt of wee I must confess, and this was most likely the reason why it was yellow in colour.

Let's start with some minor changes. The character of Richard Bagg was written with actor Christopher McDonald in mind. McDonald of course known for playing villains and swarmy characters, but he rejected the script because he found it so heinous. Ole McDonald felt no regrets about passing on the project according to a Twitter post which was when most fans became even aware that he was considered to appear in the film. On his Twitter, McDonald referred to as one of the worst films he had ever seen, but the tweet was soon deleted after he and his best mate who looked like Gus from Recess only his name was Tus received several threatening phone calls from the LOL's. Jack Black meanwhile was the first choice to play Van Wilder, but production wanted someone more dashing for the part and so he was tossed out. Jack Black is a beautiful spesim of manhood so I don't know what the producers were smoking when they decided to reject him. Jack Black did record a screen test with Tara Reid who played Gwen, and so the filmmakers liking his performance gave Black a role in the film as the narrator though he sounded nothing like Jack Black in his performance and sounded really smelly as he talked about Van's legendary bodastardy. Sadly, Jack Black's narration was completely nixed from the final print of the film as the filmmakers wanted to the viewers to figure the story out on their own, and in order to see if they believed Van was worthy of his title as the party king of Coolidge that sure makes no sense doesn't it? Aside from being played by a different actor in the early version of the movie, Richard Bagg was also intended to be a lot more sinister and a lot more proactive in his plot to destroy Van Wilder's life.

For example, after the infamous eclair scene, Richard was supposed to try and get back at Van by writing up another fake letter from Gwen. Previously, Richard had used Jeannie a member of a sister sorority write up a forged letter from Gwen asking for Van to attend dinner at her parent's house. Richard as Gwen used the letter to invite Van for some milkshake and fries outside the local Mickey D's. Hutch Van's awesome roommate knew that something was up, but he had no time to warn Van as he was busy looking for a fox as there was a lot more of that pot smoking blonde son of a gun in this film as he went around the city hunting for foxes. Also, Hutch wanting to prove his friendship to Van decided to go to a nightclub called The Fox's Paw in order to try and book a venue there so that Van could throw one of his parties as he was the party liaison after all. Sadly, the owner of the club Mr Fox refused to let Hutch have the venue until he watched Mr Fox's musical number. Mr Fox and his smelly backup dancers got on the stage where Mr Fox sang all about how he was looking for a fox. The song while catchy was raided by the local Russian Mafia, and Mr Fox wanting to cut his losses and flee like a bee opted to fake his death and he gave Hutch the keys to the place. Hutch from that point on became something of an antagonist as he felt that he was far too above Van now in terms of money and power. He had cash to burn, but Hutch was very careful with the money too as he gave it to his folks over in Iceland. Hutch's folks were trying to erase the past, but I'm afraid they can't outrun it. Hutch would have reconciled with Van in the film's final scene in which Hutch would have revealed that he was insane all along and that they must preserve their historic landmarks or something. Back to the letter debacle, with Hutch having no time to warn Van about the obvious forgery, Van who was considerably dumber in this version decided to do no second guessing at the letter despite already being tricked by a letter forged by Richard earlier. He headed to the meeting place where he was pinned to a wall by a group of Richard's fraternity brothers. Richard grabbed a hold of Van's face, and forced him to look at him as he said, "Van Wilder, you have betrayed Coolidge enough. I hope you got a good heart cause you're about to meet God." He then pulled out a revolver but it was so sticky having been coated in oil so that the trigger felt slickly smooth to the palm that Richard was unable to fire it. "Would you shoot it already Richard?" Vice President of Delta Iota Kappa Gordon asked, but Richard was unable to respond as he was tackled to the ground by Discount Bert and his fraternity the Lambda Omega Omega Fraternity whom Van had helped earler in the film by throwing them a party which helped to increase their reputation around campus.

Having the sense on when to flee, Richard and his cronies fled the scene. Richard gritted his teeth, and like some kind of Dr Eggman he kept them like that as he yelled at the top of his lungs, "this isn't the end!" Yes, Richard wanted to straight up murder Van Wilder in this early version! I know Richard was a prick in the movie, but that is going too far I dare say! Discount Bert helped Van get back up on his feet. "What about Richard?" Bert asked as Van began making his leave. Van shook his head as he said, "forget it son, he's not worth it." Hear me out, I think that Discount Bert is actually Van Wilder's son, I mean why else would Van continually refer to the man as son. Well, I'm just going off what my mentors at GameSpot taught me back when I was training to become a pro gamer, back that was all I wanted from this provincial life. Richard and Gordon meanwhile got into Richard's tailgater as their fellow fraternity brothers got on a school bus they probably rented from The Joker, and they stuck their faces out of the windows on the bus as they vomited their guts. A frequent hazing prank done by Richard to his frat brothers was to give them ipecac before bus journeys across state. Richard was pleased as punch at the joke he had pulled on his fraternity brothers, but Gordon just looked mildly annoyed suggesting that he like his lover Chris Redfield was starting to question if it was all worth fighting for. Side note; why is Chris Redfield so fat in Resi 8? He really need some exercise! In a somewhat heartwarming moment, Van and Discount Bert took a walk along the canal as Discount Bert remarked that Van was the first person on Coolidge to not make fun of his hideous unibrow. I could see however that Van was clearly trying to hold back a laugh, but he swallowed it in as Discount Bert made a comment about wanting more out of life. He wanted to go to Africa to study elephants in a tent where a man will bully him by nicknaming New York because he's rather racist. Van however in an out of character moment strongly discouraged Bert, and told him to stay in Coolidge but to instead pursue a music course. Discount Bert knows next to nothing about music, even though he claims to be a big fan of it and he got in big trouble on his first day on the new course by banging his hands on the drum set outside the classroom which caused the teacher who was younger than any of the students attending his class to come out and yell, "what do you think you're doing Billy Joel?" He never bothers to learn the names of his students, and instead refers to them by the names of famous musicians. Also, that music teacher had a framed picture of a treble clef in his classroom which is how you know he takes music very seriously.

In general, Van was more of an anti-hero in this version as Sick Boy a student on Coolidge with several health problems including a grotesque boil on his neck became an unwitting victim of Dr Van. Wanting to improve Sick Boy's condition and not wanting him to be conned out of his money by the ludicrous medical bills, Van, Hutch, and Taj attempted to do surgery on the nasty boil, but they caused to blood to spurt everywhere as Sick Boy's skin became grey like vale. Needing help, Taj ran out of the room, and got the campus doctor Sir Roger Colbham to take a look. Sir Roger tried to fix the leakage, but Van kept pestering the doc about getting a photo with Sir Roger so that he could show his father that he does have a reason to stay at Coolidge. Van's constant questioning and patting on the back at the worst possible moments, caused Sir Roger to get covered in blood and also for the doctor to look like he was about to start crying. "Should he really be that colour doc?" Van asked which was when Sir Roger had enough as he yelled, "get out!" A big quarter of an hour lump in the movie was dedicated to a really pointless side story about a development team from out of town wanted to tear down Coolidge so that they can build a brand new mini mall in it's place. Dean Winchester (not the actor love who was in charge of Coolidge was the one funding the project as he wanted to turn Coolidge into the mini mall capital of Michigan or wherever the shit Van Wilder is supposed to take place, but I don't know. It's worth noting that Gwen wasn't just writing an article about Van in this version, as she was also writing up a story all about how her life got flipped turn upside down, sorry about that no in reality she was making an article about what students at Coolidge were going to do after their beloved college was torn down. During their first real interview at the abandoned hockey arena, Gwen sipped on a hot chocolate as she asked Van, "how can you live with yourself after what you did to Coolidge?" Gwen wasn't being annoying surprisingly, and she actually made a good point as Van was the one the most to blame for Dean Winchester making his plot to destroy the college. Let me explain; at the start of the film, Van and Hutch conduct a series of interviews looking for someone to work for Van as as an assistant which is how Taj is introduced into the film. A funny montage occurs of all of the failed applicants including a man who uses his stomach to make fart sounds, and also he is wearing a shirt which reads Who's Your Daddy which is a film that the actor also appeared in but don't watch it as it will kill you. It is the real Ring, if you catch my drift only instead of a demon girl it's that fat man and his farting stomach that comes to kill you, and in a way that's probably scarier isn't it?

One of the many failed interviewees was an army captain named Vincent De Santa who tried how he was a really good dancer, but he actually sucked. He tried to do some folk dancing with his personal waiter Quique Montemayor, but ole De Santa was very nervous to perform in front of Van and Hutch and so he ended up breaking and down and crying much to Montemayor's confusion who I might add had an incredibly annoying voice far too annoying for a Montemayor I must say! De Santa was a captain in the Mexican Army who just so happened to own 11% of Coolidge College, and so De Santa decided to ask Dean Winchester to help him destroy the college. De Santa was angry because Van had laughed at him while he sobbed while Hutch kept his face beautifully impassive. Van always laughed at the bad interviewees, but De Santa did not know that and he was angered over the fact that Van had a box of tissues on his table and he hadn't even bothered to offer De Santa one to blow his nose which really needed blowing as there was snot coming out from it, and it was covering the captain's uniform in green slime. Ew gross! Anyways, Captain De Santa was able to get Dean Winchester on his side incredibly easily. He pulled out a contract all about turning the college into a mini mall, but Dean Winchester was distracted and didn't read the fine print at the very bottom of the page which revealed that the mini mall would belong to the Mexican Army. Dean Winchester was distracted because De Santa had hired a woman to dress up in a revealing graduation gown as she talked about how she took her education very seriously. I bet you do. Um... I need to take a shower, but before I do I'll finish this doc. Van wanting to atone for his sins in order to appease not just Coolidge but his uncle once removed Frank Vinci, he decided to make a mighty amend. During the part in the film, in which Van appears on the court for appeal after Richard sneaks underage kids into his party and gets them wasted on Mr Booze, Van after making his big emotional speech about how the college should make him graduate as he was only 18 units shy of graduation which pleases Gwen very much to know that Van knew the exact amount of units he needed to pass the test. Van then went on to say that if he is able to pass all of his final exams, and graduate with honours then Coolidge shall remain open for all time. Not thinking that Van had it in him, Dean Winchester decided to do a vote in order to see if Van should finish Coolidge or should be expelled right then and there. In the final film, Richard the head of the student government obviously votes expulsion, but in this version he voted reinstatement because in a moment of sheer stupidity he didn't think that his fellow members of the governing body could possibly rule in Van's favour, When they all voted reinstatement as well, Richard just looked dumbfounded as he asked, "uh can we do a second vote?" I think that it's about time we discussed the infamous colon blow in the morning scene in a half shell.

After finding out about Richard's set up on Van as well as his infidelity with Jeannie, Gwen pretends to forgive Richard before getting her revenge by sprinkling mega colon blow into his ritual protein shake right before he is to have not just his medical entrance exam, but also an interview with five Northwestern alums. All doctors! In the early version, the exam invigilator who had a name which was Mrs Knock actually had lines. After letting out a series of farts, Richard looked at a chalkboard in the gym which detailed all of the rules for the examination. Two hours only, no talking, number two pencils only, and no bathroom breaks which was written in big bold letters while all of the other letters on the chalkboard were written in lower case. "I need to go to the toilet" Richard panted as he held his hand high up in the air. "Read the board Mr Bagg, and get on with your paper or I shall have you here for another two hours." Mrs Knock said as she began doing a crossword puzzle. She really liked crosswords, but the trouble is she made them too easy. Mrs Knock seemed to really have an agenda against Richard in this early version, whereas in the final film she just looks mildly annoyed and disinterested with Richard and his horrid flatulence. She was probably angry because Richard kept making knock knock jokes out of her name much to her anger, and she would write Richard's name in her blue book threatening to report him to the top brass. The top brass however though they humoured Mrs Knock, they ultimately didn't take her very seriously and sent her on her way after 'promising' to look into the matter. Richard rushes through the test like normal by answering c to all of the questions on the paper. He runs to the front of the gym, and slammed his test paper onto Mrs Knock's desk as he then turned on his heel and ran out from the gym farting as he did so. Mrs Knock began reading through Richard's test paper, and was baffled when she saw that he had left most of the questions blank she asked herself rhetorically, "what do you suppose is eating him?" Also, even though this was supposed to be an examination, they had a speaker in the room who was using a blank part of the chalkboard to teach the test takers about the double helix. He kept getting interrupted during his teachings by Richard's bad gas. Upon getting out of the exam room, Richard rushed to find a restroom and he finally found one. Just as he walked into the room though, he immediately backed out as his professor was exiting the restroom just as Richard was about to walk in. "Richard! I was just talking about you! Hey surprise, I'm on your oral exam board. Hey look come on in here, I want you to meet your future alumni ha ha!" The professor laughed as Richard tried to tell the prof that he needed to go by saying, "I really need to go I had..." However, the professor was very evil and didn't care for what Richard had to say despite him being one of if not his best pre-med. Richard was ushered into an office room to meet with the other Northwestern alumni some of which had different names. Doctor Stern was originally named Dr Bowling, Dr Fine was originally named Dr Diana Rea, while Dr Brown remained the same and Dr Smellnick was Dr Smelly and he didn't look very happy about that name no he didn't. Poor ole Smellnick! Even in this beta version of the movie, he was still such a miserable bastard who doesn't even bother to speak to Richard once he is introduced to him.

Having finally had enough especially after Dr Brown patted his stomach while saying, "these orals are something of a formality. We just want to get to know you." "Uh!" Richard cried as he ran to the other side of the office, and proceeded to unload his guts into the trash can. I once had a similar incident happen to me on the boat where in order to see who a lunch thief was at work, some of my shipmates laced a Hershey's Cookies And Cream Bar with exlax, and by lunch time it became obvious who the lunch thief was. It wasn't me, quit looking at me that way dear reader. Anyways, the scene got very disgusting even more so than in the original film as Richard would have fallen out from the wastebasket causing a massive torrent wave of faecal matter to cover the Northwestern alumni who just stood there looking pissed off instead of running out of the room like any normal person would have done. The force of the shit caused Richard to go flying out of the office, and he slid down the halls of the campus shitting as he cried, "oh it's bad!" A scene would have played afterwards which showed Richard returning to his frat house after the colon blow incident. He saw the empty bottle of colon blow in the garbage disposal and he knew immediately that Gwen was responsible, and that she had done it because he loved Van Wilder now and not him. In the sitting area of the Delta Iota Kappa (DIK) frat house, Richard's fraternity brothers including Gordon were having a sit down with Foy McRoy who owned the local moustache imperium, and he had a golden opportunity for the fraternity. Foy wanted to sell his product at the frat house, and if the Deltas allowed him to do so he would give them a cut of the profits. Richard suffering from another colon blow attack took Foy's bowler hat off from his head, and proceeded to unload right in there much to Foy's impassiveness as it had happened to him once back when he was living in the west he took a shit inside the hats of two bowler hat wearing gentlemen, but they didn't take anywhere near as well as Foy had done, and they ran him out of town. Foy tried to buy the men off with a dollar bill which no one in the west had seen before, but it just made them angrier if anything as they thought that Foy was using the dollar to mock them over the fact that they weren't as rich or as successful as he is. Foy left the frat house while Richard just sat there on the couch following the second colon blow attack as he wondered how to go about getting revenge on Van. A scene that was filmed, but ultimately deleted was a final confrontation between Richard and Van. While Van runs to get to his final exam with Professor McDougal, Richard and his frat brothers capture Van and take him into a restroom for a beatdown. During the attempted beatdown, Richard berates Van as his medical school dreams are ruined, oh and Van also stole Gwen from him but he didn't seem that bothered about it but in any case Van was saved by his cool black friends who proceeded to beat the snot out of Richard and his frat brothers while Van made his way to his final exam.

Van meanwhile spent the next several days studying hard for his finals, and during the colon blow scene much like in the final film it cuts to show clips of Van studying hard for his finals. Three clips were shown. The first had Van in his dorm room with Taj and Hutch teaching him about biology. Van's dog Colossus with the huge testicles sat on a bedtable as Taj poked at the poor pooch with a stick, and Colossus didn't look like himself and looked like a spring chicken that had been left lying on the side of the road. Hutch just looked concerned as he listened to the pooch with a stethoscope. The second clip had Van sitting in a dimly lit apartment building sipping from a mug of coffee while making notes in a notepad. Only it wasn't Sick Boy reading the Robert Frost poem to him, no it was the deaf basketball coach from earlier who tried to motivate his team but he did a horrid job at it which resulted in Van having to do it himself. The deaf coach read from the poem, and Van just looked baffled and he was very sweaty too as there was no AC in the apartment building as all of the tenants are cold blooded snakes and Komodo Dragons. The first and final clip was normal with Van talking to one of the members of the basketball team about the double helix. What is this movie's obsession with the double helix? Big Poppa the basketball player clasped his hands together as he said, "nothing but net my man. Now remember; before any final take a pre-game dump." If only Richard Bagg had headed to those words. Words to live by as that really annoying American tourist Amanda said whom we picked up while we made port in Hong Kong. After Van took his finals, that was when Gwen published the graduation article which revealed that Richard was the one to blame for the drunken minors and not Van. Richard was then shown getting thrown into a jail cell only to run into problems when one of his inmates played by Ajay Naidu (aka Samir from Office Space),just so happened to be one of the students at Richard's entrance exam. The cellmate blamed Richard for distracting him with his horrid gas, as he proceeded to give Richard a swift beatdown. A prison guard named Frank witnessed the beatdown, but he was busy rubbing the nipple of a fat whale of an inmate with his baton suggesting he was heavily involved in corruption. Now going back in time, I should mention that in this early version of the film, Van actually performed one more than one prank on Richard and just the eclair one. After Richard's attempt to murder him, Van tried to teach Richard the ultimate lesson in playtime.

Discount Bert from Sesame Street played a much bigger role in this early version even more than Gwen was kind of just a footnote in this early build suits me just fine as I can't stand shoehorned in romantic plots neither can my mentor Nick. Anyways, Discount Bert using bugs he placed inside the Delta fraternity house, he was able to find that Richard a weird robot servant named Clive who would do all of the chores around the house including making Richard's aforementioned ritual protein shakes. Clive was a limited edition domestobot which the Lamda Omega Omega's had actually built for Richard, but he gave them no credit which angered Discount Bert who thought that this was his and his fraternity's chance to hit the big top. Discount Bert having programmed Clive in the first place, he was able to hack into the robot's software system and gave it an unexpected wipe. Then, Discount Bert proceeded to type in some new instructions on the keyboard which caused the domestobot to go insane, and for it to head into the underground basement of the Delta house where it no joke proceeded to set fire to the safe where Richard kept all of his dosh which he intended to use to buy a house in Forest Grove as part of his engagement present to Gwen. Richard was the one who wanted them to get a place in Forest Grove, not Gwen's father who didn't think much of Richard and although he was quite the impassive man, Dr Pearson loved Van like a son and that's just kind of weird if you ask me, but anyways, the safe blew up and the domestobot self destructed itself as Richard tried to play a scary game of hide and seek with it. He knew that Clive had been responisble, and was trying to find where it was hiding. Just so you remember; hide and seek isn't fun for everyone okay? Sorry about that, but now it's time to talk about Taj who just like Hutch had his own side plot in the film. It's worth noting that Van Wilder is 93 minutes in length, whereas this beta version was over two hours long and probably the length of The Godfather as there was lots of pointless scenes explaining the agriculture of Coolidge College, and Van being forced by Dean Winchester to provide an anti-drugs speech to a bunch of high schoolers advising them to not buy drugs from a man who likes his cows just a bit too much, but even though he likes the cows he secretly fears them and wouldn't want to be alone in a field with them as when that man is alone he gets very frightened himself. Taj's side story was quite uneventful, and unlike Hutch's it didn't really seem to tie in with the story much if at all.

Having been made Van Wilder's new assistant, Taj was dismayed when Van didn't really seem to have much for him to do. On his first day at Coolidge, Taj headed into the cafeteria, and he hoped they had his favourite dish on sale; brain grub Jubjub which was really just mash potatoes coated in a thick layer of mayonnaise so thick you can't even taste the mash. Taj was dismayed to learn that the only food on offer was a French beget that had gone so stale that it made an almighty bang noise when Taj whacked it on the counter top as he asked, "you call this food? It's an insult to American cuisine!" The chef Mark Brussels according to the name tag which had been drawn in by crayon suggesting he really shouldn't be working there got very angry as he grabbed Taj by the collar and threatened him with, "who do you think you're talking to you little punk!?" "Uh phone a friend?" Taj asked rhetorically as he shoved a mint sauce sandwich into Brussel's mouth which was a normal sandwich but it's inner workings were coated with a thick layer of mint sauce and a dab of olive oil. Its the kind of the sandwich you'd eat when your pops is locked out because he wouldn't let you shit and watch Jeopardy at the same time despite the sati having an inbuilt toilet. Brussels pulled the sandwich out from his mouth as he sang, "hey all you people! Hey all you people, won't you listen to me? I just had a sandwich. No ordinary sandwich. A sandwich made with mint sauce and Filippo Berio Olive Oil!!" Chef Brussels then got on top of the table as he sang all about how it was the tastiest sandwich at Coolidge College. Taj turned to leave the canteen, but was stopped when Chef Brussels called out to him with, "Master Winslow I need your help!" Yes, Chef Brussels thought that Taj's surname was Winslow which was Brussel's real surname he changed it to Brussel after his son decided he wanted nothing to do with his father after he accidentally killed someone with a corndog. The details of that particular incident are best left unsaid much like a tin of Christmas pudding that you never eat, and you leave it on a counter in your kitchen to gather dust bunnies a plenty. Within a few days, Taj was able to turn Coolidge's canteen into a tropical paradise, that was so exclusive you actually had to make reservations just to eat in there. All of the college students were dancing in the canteen, and while Taj had found a real job as Brussel's cooking assistant, it was Van Wilder who was facing problems of his. He still needed money to pay the tuition fees after his father decided that he was done so with him. Before forming his master plan with Taj to act as a party planner for the students of Coolidge, Van decided that he was going to make his father pay for his tuition albeit unknowingly. To do this, Van called up his father and using a voice distorter device that sounded like Optimus Prime with asthma, Van was able to lie that he was currently in the possession of a painting that had once been in his father's collection it was a painting of the Duke of Canterbury putting a fire out with a beer.

Van's father cared a great deal about that particular painting, but he didn't want to pay the ransom and was convinced by his mate Wade to turn the tables on Van. With Wade who was a real Clint Eastwood wannabe's help, Van Sr was able to kidnap Hutch, and place him in a car in the middle of a junkyard controlled by the Junkyard Dogs. Van had just one day to return the painting to his father, or else he was going to make Hutch drink plum juice, and we all know that Hutch is allergic to plum juice. See you in Rayman 4! Sorry about that, anyways, Van didn't really seem all that concerned in regards to Hutch's kidnapping as he was busy having a banana milkshake in a bar with Taj and a bunch of people who weren't ever seen in the film before but are implied to be part of Van's herd. Van returned the painting to his father who released Hutch without ever putting two and two together and realising that his own son was responsible for his beloved painting having been stolen. Like the final film, Van succeeds with his finals getting a 91% in his final econ exam with Professor McDougal. Van announced his success to the students on a massive podium platform which located atop the steps leading into the college building, a student with a blue backpack had to just stand there awkwardly while Van did his speech. Van having managed to succeed in passing all of his exams and graduating, Dean Winchester being a man of his word kept his part of the deal and left Coolidge College where it stands. Captain De Santa appeared in the crowd, and he held his arms out like he was expecting a hug as he asked, "what is going on here? I thought we were tearing this son of a bitch to the ground!" Van ran up to De Santa, and grabbed his moist hand as he proceeded to lead the captain into a violent Italian Tarantella. De Santa ended up spinning a spin, but he crashed directly into a heavily built moustached man with a Winchester Repeater in hand. The man pinned De Santa to the ground, as he turned to face Van and asked, "can I kill this piece of shit or would you like to pleasure yourself?" Van then revealed that the man was actually an actor, and this was done as a lesson in order to hopefully try and scare De Santa straight. Van saluted the captain as he said, "remember Captain De Santa, don't be a fool stay in school. Write that down." Ah! He finally said it at the end of the movie, and it wasn't funny. What the bloody Kibosh is going on here!? Anyways, Gwen then appeared and gave Van a kiss as she and he were now a couple I guess. Richard who had been bailed out from prison by Gordon was now standing atop a hill overlooking Van's Hawaiian themed graduation bash, Using a pair of binoculars, Richard was able to watch the party unfold as well as Gwen's big damn kiss with Van. Like some kind of Kocoum, Richard roared a mighty yell as he turned to face Gordon and Jeannie as he said coldly, "get the tear gas." The film then ended, but that was when the saddest difference of all occurred in the very different and bleaker version of the film's ending.

The film cut to a white screen, and when it came back it showed Van a much older looking Van sitting in his dorm room in old man makeup. He was woken up from a nap by a camera crew. The camera crew revealed to Van who was just as shocked as the audience would have been that he is now 75 years old, and that the entire film was a flashback to Van's younger days of being in college. Most sadly, the crew revealed that Van didn't commit to staying graduated, and he went back to Coolidge and has been there ever since but now he works as a motivational speaker giving lessons to students about how to stay safe at night or something. It was then revealed that Gwen broke up with Van when she realised that he hadn't changed, and she went on to marry Richard who became a doctor in Madrid showing that the trash can spray down hadn't affected him too much in the long run, and it also shows that he technically won in the end. Gwen occasionally pined for Van, and would send him letters written in Velcro you figure out how that works , but Van was now an old fart and he never read the letters and would instead just blend them up in a blender ha ha, before giving them to Colossus to eat with his dog food. Colossus was still alive, and he was proper old now couldn't even move from the carpet which had a massive patch underneath him which was lighter than the rest of the carpet. A running joke in this miserable alternate ending was the camera crew thinking that Colossus was dead, and Van reassuring them by poking at the elderly dog with a stick causing it to fart which gave the camera crew the stinky reassurances that they needed. I have to say I'm not really a fan of how dark this film was going to be, and I think the production felt the same way as the script was heavily retooled and the original writers working on the film including Robert Callahan were fired, and replaced with new hipper ones who altered the film so that it became more wholesome and smelly instead of harsh, dark, and sombre like it originally was. Also, for a more minor change, originally in the scene where Milty jumps off from the diving board into the swimming pool, he caused the entire contents of the pool to go flying into the air with his splash. Everyone was swept away in the flood, and Van's little rant at Gwen about her looking through his transcripts occurred outside the leisure centre which was also not saved by Van in this version. Van and Hutch tried their best to save the swim team, but sometimes heroes make mistakes just ask Cadburys. Anyways, the leisure centre was converted into a leisure hive by local property magnate and resident cactus Toby who sounded like he really needed to cough, but he refused to do so. Toby turned the hive into a cactus patch, but the cactus contained at the hive was very dangerous and touching it wouldn't just give you a prickly paw like Baloo warned, but it would also turn into a cactus. Once you've reached 100% cactus mode, you'll rub the sides of your face in despair as your robot companion cries, "oh no," in the background, but in robot speak it sounds much nicer.

I like Van Wilder a lot as stated at the beginning of the doc, and I am very pleased with the film we got. I will admit the changes sound rather interesting, but I like the film just the way it is. After reading through the large piece of yellow paper which was actually a lot larger than I had stated, and it took me so long to read it that the coroner had already been to collect Discount Harry Potter's body, and my ship had already get sail without me. I just chased after the boat, but I was dismayed when I saw what appeared to be Deadpool sitting in the crow's nest with him holding his face in his hands as if he was pretending to be shocked. He then removed his mask, and it was just as I expected, It was my old friend from Lanzarote; Grave. Told you he would return! Well, I did but it was in a deleted scene. Hang on a second, why the fuck did I cut that part out? I didn't stay shipless for long however, as I was offered lodgings on another boat where I was given the reigns by the first mate who looked like an expy of Rabe Maniels, and he had gotten ridden of the previous captain in shady circumstances. I also got the last laugh on Grave who was still dressed as Deadpool, as he was being beaten up by one of my crewmates who had Deadpool into a chokehold with his legs as he proceeded to pelt Deadpool's face with punch after punch after punch after lunch. Ha, got ya! My first mate I'll just call him Steinbeck for now on gave me his laptop so I could tell you all about this early version of Van Wilder Party Liaison. Like some kind of Bear, I really want to know what do you think about it? I'm getting quite near the end now of this analysis when I see what looks to be a large pair of tenacles rising from the depths coming towards my boat. Could it be the Krakken? I thought that it was just a legend, but maybe not. Steinbeck and the rest of my crew don't seem that bothered as they're busy throwing the old captain's hat around in a makeshift game of pass the parcel. Ooh, a violent crush has just occurred at the bow of the boat, ooh there goes another one at the poop deck. My arm is sticky now as a candle has fallen on it causing it to become coated in candle wax. I'll be okay though, well ta ra! I hope it's not the Krakken, and I hope it doesn't pull us under as it would be very difficult to swim with my arm covered in sticky candle wax.