Matty Gets a Girlfriend

"**Matty Gets a Girlfriend**" is the fifth episode of *Hoops*.

## Plot

Thinking that Matty's new girlfriend may be a distraction to his star player, Coach sabotages their relationship — only to quickly regret his meddling.

## Summary

Hopkins takes a sleeping pill and goes to sleep. There is a flash of lightning and a spectral version of Ben, "Pill Ben," starts texting on his phone. The next night, at Barry Hopkins Steakhouse, Ben meets with a woman who says that she can't believe she asked him out, that they haven't talked since high school. She says he seems different and kind of cool, more mature. He tells the woman, Allison, that he didn't ask her out. She shows him the text, but he says he didn't write it, that "Pill Ben" did. He says when he takes sleeping pills, he becomes super-confident. He starts to tell her about the real Ben, that he has no sex drive and crashes at his friend Ron's place. Alison asks if Ron is gay, but Hopkins answers that it's quite the opposite, that he's having sex with his wife, but he's cool with it. Alison leaves, saying he's out of there, that he's the same loser he was in high school and to tell "Pill Ben" to give her a call sometime.

At the Lenwood High School gymnasium, Hopkins is shocked to discover that Matty has a new girlfriend named Wendy. He wants to know how Matty could interrupt his practice to be with his girlfriend. He tells them that their number one rule is no girlfriends because women weaken legs. He asks them to name the film. They naturally reply with *Little Man Tate*, but he says that this time, it's *Rocky*. He emphasizes again that the point is no girlfriends. He says he doesn't want to tell them that, and Ron tells Hopkins that he has it wrong, that Rocky won because he had the love of a woman. Hopkins replies that Rocky famously lost. Ron replies that he never saw the first *Rocky*, that he doesn't like sad endings. Hopkins, irritated, orders everyone to run and not get girlfriends.

Shannon calls Principal Opal, who, teary, says that it's over between her and Mike, that Mike said that there was no chemistry. Shannon tells her not to feel sorry for herself, that they'll watch *The Notebook* together and forward through all of the sad stuff about Alzheimer's. Opal agrees, saying that she really has to figure out her love life. Shannon takes another call, from Hopkins, asking how you get a high school girl to break up with you. "Just grab her hindquarters and mount her!" Shannon shouts to one of her horses. Hopkins says it's not a good idea, but Shannon tells him she doesn't have time for it and he should just stay out of it. He rings the doorbell of Wendy's mom, asking for a minute alone to talk with her about her love life. "Absolutely not!" shouts the mother. He tells her that she's "killing the mom thing" and that her daughter is dating a monster, Matty. He says she should strongly consider putting an end to the relationship, but Wendy's mom says he's a nice kid. He makes up some bad stuff about Matty and Wendy's mom says that she's heard enough and to consider the relationship over. He tries to get himself in for tacos, but she shuts the door on him.

At the game, Matty makes shot after shot, and Hopkins says it's because he "took care" of Wendy. Ron misconstrues this as killing her and goes on an extended tangent about how he would kill a family. Hopkins tells the team to stay out of Matty's way because he's in the zone. Then, he discovers Wendy and Matty in the hall, where Wendy sobs her eyes out, saying that she can't believe Matty punched an old woman's teeth out, one of the lies that Hopkins fed Wendy's mother. Hopkins says it feels like there's been a zoning change. He learns that Wendy only *just* broke up with him, and Matty breaks down on the floor sobbing. Hopkins says it's going to be a huge second half, but Matty lays on the ground, bawling his eyes out. Hopkins tells him that life only gets worse from there and in the second half, Matty is like a zombie. Hopkins tells him that Wendy never really loved in the first place, but Matty literally collapses on the floor. After the game, Hopkins says that women strengthen legs and it's now mandatory for everyone on the team to have a girlfriend. Matty replies that he's never having a girlfriend again.

The guys discuss the new mandate, saying they're going to get laid, but Marcus replies that it's not about that, that it's about dates, walks in the park. DJ wonders how they can possibly get girlfriends in one days. They decide to take the flower van of DJ's aunt and turn it into a "Bang Bus." Meanwhile, Shannon and Opal sit and chat, Opal saying that she thought Mike was "the one" until he crawled out the bathroom window and left her with the check at Subway. Shannon tells her that the last thing she wants is a loser in her life as Hopkins pleads for her to open the door. She does so, telling Opal that being with a loser gets her this, and Hopkins and Ron enter with a limp Matty, saying he's been stabbed, in the heart by Cupid's arrow. Opal says that she scared him, that you have to do a lot of paperwork when a student dies. He tells Shannon that he has to get Matty's heart back and they have to show him "the tape." Shannon tells him she's not doing it, he asks if the tape worked. She tells him she's with Ron. She then says she'll play the tape, but only if he leaves right after.

The team rides in the "Boyfriend Bus." Isaac objects to the name, suggesting several more vulgar names, but Marcus replies that any guy can have sex, but they're the ones who'll be there in the morning. They try to pick up girls, but it does not go well. Back at Shannon's, Shannon plays the tape, which Hopkins calls "a master class for getting bush." The tape involves Ben playing a song for Shannon, though Shannon says it wasn't really him that played the song, that he was on sleeping pills when he made it. Opal asks why he can't be on pills at work. "Sometimes I am," replies Hopkins. The team finds a couple of girls, who agree to get in, when they say they can drink in it. The tape continues, with Hopkins and Shannon getting kinky. Shannon says that they had a deal and to get out. The team chats with the girls, one of them asking if it's really girlfriends they want, or take their clothes off and get the party started. Some of them start trying to remove their clothes, but Marcus tells them it's the former.

Hopkins tells Matty he's sorry he saw the second half of the tape. He tells him to stay focused, that he knows what he needs to do to get Wendy. Matty tells him he has not moves to get Wendy back. Hopkins tells him that he has no moves either, that it was "Pill Ben." Matty asks if "Pill Ben" could help him and Hopkins tells him to give him his phone for the night. Matty does so and says to let him know if he gets a call with his dad, though it would be the first time. He takes the sleeping pill, then another, then a whole bunch more. The next morning, he awakes, only to find zero texts on his phone. He comments that "Pill Ben" let him down. Kirk comes in, telling him that his phone has been ringing all morning. Matty is in jail. He goes to the jail, where he learns that Matty flipped out over Wendy, went to her house at 2 A.M. and destroyed the place. Hopkins flashes back to 2 A.M. in which "Pill Ben," turned him into a sleepwalker and had him bust into Wendy's house, where he graffitied the wall with Matty's name, then urinated. He then finds the team in jail too, where DJ says that they have good news and bad news - they stole a van, which was then stolen from them, but it was stolen by their girlfriends. Hopkins replies that he doesn't care, only about what's going on with Wendy. Matty says that he doesn't think Hopkins pissing on her floor helped anything. Just then, the officer releases them, telling them the charges are dropped and they're all free to go. Outside, they meet up with Aunt Jenny, who tells them they're lucky they found the van and Marcus was still in it. Marcus says that he only got physical affection and no real connection. Wendy arrives and hugs Matty. She says it wasn't easy convincing her mother to drop the charges, but Matty told her that he inspired his video. She plays it on her phone, and it's a variation of the video from before, but without the second part. They start to board the bus to the game, but Hopkins stops Wendy, saying there are no girlfriends on the team bus. He then laughs, saying Matty is about to have a heart attack, and tells them to do whatever they want, so long as Matty stays in the zone. "Pill Ben" watches, calling it a happy ending and saying he didn't learn a thing.

## Cast and characters

Starring:

* Jake Johnson as Coach Ben Hopkins
* Ron Funches as Ron
* Cleo King as Principal Opal Lowry
* Natasha Leggero as Shannon
* A.D. Miles as Matty

Also Starring:

* Steve Berg as DJ
* Kimberly D. Brooks as Wendy
* Eric Edelstein
* Ben Hoffman as Timebomb
* Mary Holland
* Gil Ozeri as Isaac
* Sam Richardson as Marcus
* Nick Swardson as Scott

## Gallery

MattyDJ, Isaac, Coach Ben Hopkins, Timebomb, Scott, and MarcusBen and RonBen, Matty, Opal, Ron, and Shannon
## Navigation

* 1.01 The Pilot
* 1.02 My Two Dads
* 1.03 Ethics
* 1.04 The Sponsor
* 1.05 **Matty Gets a Girlfriend**
* 1.06 Zen
* 1.07 The Strike
* 1.08 Death
* 1.09 The Road Game
* 1.10 The Scout

## External links

* Matty Gets a Girlfriend on the Internet Movie Database