The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2014

## Introduction

*Todd plays Pitbull ft. Kesha - "Timber" on the piano.*

***THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2014
A year-end retrospective***

**Todd**: In 2013...I'll admit, I got really negative. I was just so burnt out by how bad the year was for music that a lot of people told me I started getting kinda hard to watch. There's only so much bile and anger people can take before it gets to you, so I get it. So for 2014, I decided to make an effort to, you know, be more positive, have more fun, try not to be so bitter and depressing and crabby. For the most part, I think I succeeded.

*Clip from review for "Turn Down for What"*
**Todd**: TURN DOWN FOR WHAT! *[Hits the piano with his groin, which he regrets immediately]*
**Todd**: Yeah, see, we have fun, don't we? No, no, I *did* enjoy reviewing music this year more than I did the year before, and I'm glad and I think it was...more positive to watch, and I want some goddamn credit for that because *2014 was even worse!*

*Montage of clips of MAGIC! - "Rude"; Meghan Trainor - "All About That Bass"; Jason Derulo ft. 2 Chainz - "Talk Dirty"; DJ Snake and Lil Jon - "Turn Down for What"; Sia - "Chandelier"; Sam Smith - "Stay With Me"; Nicki Minaj - "Anaconda"; and Taylor Swift - "Blank Space"*
**Todd (VO)**: This was actually the worst year in...well, pretty much everything, but especially pop music, I think I can even remember. Not only was the bad stuff bad, the good stuff wasn't as good. We'll deal with the good song shortage in the other list, but holy God, this year blew. I hated it. I hated this year from beginning to end. Yeah...

**Todd**: ...I,I know I'm really late this year. It's just...I had a lot of bad stuff to deal with, so let's just get this over with. Ladies and gentlemen...

*Clip of Ariana Grande ft. Zedd - "Break Free", which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown.*
**Ariana**: This is the part when I say I don't want ya
**Todd (VO)**: ***The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2014!***

**Ariana**: ...I break free
'Cause I can't resist it no more
## #10

**Todd (VO)**: #10.

*Clip from* The Voice
**Chris Jamison**: *[finishing]* I still get jealous
**Carson Daly**: Adam, what did you think?
**Adam Levine**: Dude, listen. Yeah, you're cute, all right? But-
**Todd (VO)**: No, no, stop, I don't care what you have to say to that guy. Maybe he's...

**Todd**: ...the worst singer alive, I don't know. But at least he doesn't sound like a cyborg robot goose.

*Clip of Maroon 5 - "Maps"*
**Todd (VO)**: Maroon 5 may not be the *worst* thing in music, but they are the most pointless.

**Todd**: All of Maroon 5's songs in the past four years remind me of...like, *[pictures of...]* a table or a towel rod, a blender, just some kind of functional product there...

**Todd (VO)**: ...to serve a basic need; in this case, to fill time on the radio. *[Clip from* American Psycho*]* If Patrick Bateman existed in 2014, Maroon 5 would be exactly the kind of middle-of-the-road, soulless garbage he'd listen to. So I guess it's sort of fitting that...

**Todd**: ...Maroon 5 has finally released a song that may as well be from Patrick Bateman's point of view.

***#10. Maroon 5 - "Animals"***

**Adam**: Baby, I'm preying on you tonight
Hunt you down, eat you alive
Just like animals
**Todd (VO)**: It's nice to know that even when making a song about killing and devouring someone, Maroon 5 remain as bland and lifeless as ever. From what I can tell, Maroon 5 are making the effort to start sounding like an actual band again, which is nice, but it still hasn't made them any less dull.

**Todd**: But it's nice to know that even the dullest band can, on occasion, be goddamn hilarious.

**Adam**: Hunt you down eat you alive
Just like animals, animals, like animals-mals
**Todd**: "Animals-mals"?

*Clip from* All That
**Repairman (Kel Mitchell)**: I'm Repairman-man-man-man!
**Todd**: Or...

**Todd (VO)**: ...let us not neglect the video, which casts Adam goddamn Levine as, no joke, sexy Leatherface.

**Adam**: I love your lies, I'll eat 'em up
So, if I understand the idea behind "Animals-mals" correctly, Adam Levine is this monster or murderer or stalker or someone who's gonna hunt you down and kill you in a sexy way.

**Todd**: I, personally, find that more creepy than anything, but *[clip from the first...]* as five mega-successful *Twilight* movies have proved, there is a *[picture of women with sign reading, "Twilight Moms"]* large demographic who does find that kind of thing hot.

**Todd**: And various entertainment news outlets keep trying to tell me that *[cover of* People Magazine *giving the "Sexiest Man Alive" title to...]* Adam Levine is someone people find attractive too. If you say so, I guess.

**Todd (VO)**: Look, I am not qualified to explain what, if anything, makes Adam Levine attractive, but I'm pretty sure it's not his dangerous, bad-boy appeal.

**Todd**: Yeah, you'd better watch out, little girl. Better watch yourself because I'm *preying on you tonight!*

**Todd (VO)**: Adam Levine is a preening, pretty-boy douchebag. He's not a *Phantom of the Opera* type, he's not gonna hunt you down and kill you, he's the douchey asshole who gets killed.

*Clips from* American Horror Story: Asylum
**Leo Morrison (Adam Levine)**: Help me.
*Bloody Face stabs him repeatedly as his wife watches in horror*
See? There you go.

**Todd**: That's just perfect casting.

**Todd (VO)**: I could watch that over and over again. Sure makes more sense than having him be...

**Adam**: AH-OOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Baby I'm...
**Todd**: *[taken aback]* Oh my God.

**Todd (VO)**: Did that just happen? That was amazing. Wow. Wow. God bless you, Maroon 5. Most of the songs on this list just piss me off, but "Animals-mals" is the funniest piece of hilari-garbage of the year.

**Todd**: *Hunt you down, eat you alive!*

**Adam**: Yeah, yeah, yeah
*Interlude*

#9
--

**Todd (VO)**: #9.

**Todd**: Now, I'm gonna assume that since you're watching my show, you are a connoisseur of modern pop music-based Internet comedy videos, so you may have seen this little gem floating around YouTube.

*Video of the 1988 National Aerobic Championship Opening with "Shake It Off" dubbed over*
**Taylor**: I stay out too late
Got nothing in my brain
That's what people say
Mm-mmm
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, that's pretty funny, right?

**Todd**: And it's also the video that put Taylor Swift on this list.

***#9. Taylor Swift - "Shake It Off"***

**Taylor**: 'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
**Todd (VO)**: See, I didn't actually want to put "Shake It Off" on the list because, you know what, at least it's upbeat. I had a lot of problems with *[clips of, respectively by MAGIC! and Meghan Trainor...]* "Rude" and "All About That Bass," but they're not on this list because...

**Todd**: ...at least they're happy. Whereas the rest of 2014 just felt like this...

*Clip of Tove Lo - "Habits (Stay High)"*
**Todd (VO)**: ...dull, low, humming drone from artists like Tove Lo, Jeremih...gotta be brutally honest here, Lorde. *[Clip of...]* Or even Taylor's own much-better followup, "Blank Space."

So, you know, this happy self-affirmation, that should be enough to keep it off the list, right?

**Todd**: But no.

*Clip of aerobic video*
**Todd (VO)**: This video is right. "Shake It Off" does sound like the soundtrack to a jazzercise video. Well, I don't feel like jazzercising, and it's like Taylor Swift's right there in my ear, telling me to jump and kick and work those abs and goddammit all, shut up! Stop!

I mean, how better to describe all the obnoxious, forced cheer of this song. I could make a Top 10 list out of the worst moments *in this song*, from "hey, hey, hey" to "this sick beat" to "hella good hair"...

**Todd**: ...to "my ex...man" to... "My ex-man"?! No one says that! No one should ever say that!

**Todd (VO)**: You know what actually *would* top that list of worst moments?

**Taylor**: I go on too many dates *[chuckles]*
**Todd**: There. That little forced laugh.

**Todd (VO)**: Tee-hee-hee, oh, those silly people who think I go on too many dates. I find that...

**Todd**: ...so silly and insignificant that I get a carefree laugh about it in this song I wrote about it and recorded and released to the public. I totally don't care, guys.

**Todd (VO)**: And as I've said repeatedly, Taylor Swift has conquered the world, so there's no getting away from her. "Shake It Off" is still in the Top 10 right now.

**Todd**: If you want a vision of the future, imagine a human face being stamped on...

**Todd (VO)**: ...by this...sick...beat...

**Todd**: ...forever.

**Taylor**: Shake it off
*Interlude*

#8
--

**Todd (VO)**: #8.

*Clip of Mike Will Made It ft. Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa and Juicy J - "23"*
**Miley Cyrus**: I'm in the club
High on purp with some shades on
**Todd (VO)**: It's fair to say that Miley Cyrus has...

**Todd**: ...evolved over the course of her career.

*Video for Miley Cyrus - "Party in the USA"*
**Todd (VO)**: I don't know what the future holds for her, but even if she stopped making music today, she leaves an impressively diverse legacy of music through multiple genres over the course of almost a decade. *[Clip of "Jolene"]* And we can debate the most significant parts of that legacy all we want, but I don't think she's gotten enough credit for the fact that, just about six years ago, she pretty much decided the future...

**Todd**: ...of an entire genre of music.

*Clip from* Hannah Montana: The Movie
**Miley**: If you guys don't mind, I'm gonna add a little hip hop to this hoedown.
**Todd (VO)**: Thanks, Miley. I blame the...

**Todd**: ...godawful mess that is the current state of country music entirely on you.

*Video for...*
**FL GA Line**: This is how we roll
***#8. Florida Georgia Line ft. Luke Bryan - "This Is How We Roll"***

**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, country music has been going downhill for years now, but it feels like in 2014, the quality level just plummeted at light-speed.

**Todd**: There were many worse artists.

*Clip of live performance dubbed over with Jerrod Niemann - "Donkey"*
**Jerrod**: Gonna ride that donkey, donkey
Down to the honky tonky
It's gonna get funky, funky
[Brays]
**Todd**: But...

**Todd (VO)**: Florida Georgia Line was the only one popular enough in the mainstream to really hold that mantle for country music's painful decline. Now, most people would disagree that bro-country is *Miley's* fault, seeing as it's so overwhelmingly male.

**Todd**: I mean, it's got the word "bro" right in the title.

**Todd (VO)**: But the part of bro-country that clumsily co-opts hip hop slang? Yeah, that's always reminded me more of the spoiled rich girls of pop like Miley or Kesha.

**Todd**: I mean, listen to this.

**FL GA Line**: We light it up with our hands up
This is how we roll
This is how we do
**Todd**: *De-do-de-do?*

*Clip of Katy Perry - "This Is How We Do"*
**Katy**: This is how we do
This is how we do
**Todd (VO)**: And yes, most people will tell you bro-country is bad because it's so samey and repetitive and it's always about drunken meatheads hitting on girls in as doofy a way as possible, and that's certainly true.

**Todd**: But can we talk about just how blatantly embarrassed bro-country is at having to even *be* country music?

**Tyler**: Yeah, baby, this is how we roll
We rollin' into town
With nothing else to do, we take another lap around
Yeah, holler at your boy
**Todd (VO)**: I used to be bothered by how conservative and shut off from modern trends Nashville was back in the day, but this new stuff isn't a *fusion* of different genres, it's just plain country music wishing it was something else.

**Tyler**: The mixtape's got a little Hank, little Drake
Uh, that's nice that you listen to Drake, guys.

**Todd**: Drake isn't listening back.

**Todd (VO)**: So keep writing your fan mail to him, he's not gonna invite you onto one of his singles. You can get Nelly because Nelly hasn't had a hit in years, but the actual superstars you want to rub elbows with? Hell, no. Not happening. Not when you guys rap like this.

**Tyler**: How fresh my baby is in the shotgun seat, oh
Them kisses are for me though, automatic like a free throw
*Todd just groans*
This life I live it might not be for you but it's for me though
*Clip of Vanilla Ice - "Ice Ice Baby"*
**Vanilla Ice**: Yo, man, let's get outta here
Word to your mother
While this was the most popular, if you *really* started listening to country radio, it's just getting even worse. I mean, look at it. *[clips of Jason Aldean - "Burnin' It Down"...]* Making straight-up R&B songs, *[...Jerrod Niemann - "Drink to That All Night" featuring...]* collaborating with Pitbull, *[...and "Donkey"]* this atrocity. Stupid trends like hair metal and boy bands, they look stupid in hindsight, but this shit is lame *right now*. It's bad country, and it's bad rap. Florida, Georgia, thank you for demonstrating how you roll.

**Todd**: It sucks. Now please roll it back.

NOTE: The remix features Jason DeRulo.

> *Video for "This Is How We Roll" ends*
>
>

*Interlude*

#7
--

**Todd (VO)**: #7.

**Todd**: So...I'm pretty active on Twitter, *[Twitter logo: follow me at @ShadowTodd!]* mostly so I can see what people are talking about most of the time, but Twitter has its own weird quirks because it skews so young, and one of the most puzzling things about it was this year-long series *[Twitter search of #5sos]* of trending hashtags I saw. *[circled: #5sosAwkwardTurtle, #5sosMoonFace, #5sosDolphinBodies]* What is this? 5 s o s? 5sos? 5 SO's? What does that mean? What does it stand for? *[song begins in background]* I made it through most of the year without finding out what that was supposed to be. And once I did, boy, oh boy, did I wish I hadn't.

***#7. 5 Seconds of Summer - "She Looks So Perfect"***

**5 Seconds of Summer**: Hey, hey
**Todd (VO)**: Funny thing: as far as boy bands go, I actually don't think 5 Seconds of Summer are that bad. I really don't. If I had to pick between one pack of pretty-boys that play instruments, I'll take a new 5 Seconds of Summer song over Maroon 5 any day of the week. Even this song in particular; it's got more going for it than a lot of songs. I mean, listen to that stomping, glam-rock, "whoa whoa" right there. As far as Fall Out Boy wannabes go, this is not actually that bad, right? So why is it on here?

**Todd**: Why did 5 Seconds of Summer make it on the list? Why, oh why?

**Luke Hemmings**: But don't move, honey
**5 Seconds of Summer**: You look so perfect standing there
In my American Apparel underwear
**Todd**: *[record scratch]* I'm sorry, I believe I just heard a lyric so bad, it made my digital Internet video make a record-scratch noise somehow. Can I hear that again?

**5 Seconds of Summer**: You look so perfect standing there
In my American Apparel underwear
And I know now
**Todd (VO)**: I don't know if American Apparel paid 5 Seconds of Summer to write an ad for them, but writing an ad is definitely what they just did. There is no other way to read that line. There is no straight guy in the world...

**Todd**: ...no, no. No *guy* in the world, no human being in the world...who would

**Todd (VO)**: ...who would look at their lover and feel the need to point out...

**Todd**: ...the brand of their own undies.

**Todd (VO)**: No one would even use the word "underwear." *[Picture of kids' underwear]* Underwear is what you buy for little kids. It's not a sexy word. That one line earned the song a spot on the list. It's potentially the worst lyric I've ever covered on this show, not that the rest of the chorus makes it any better.

**5 Seconds of Summer**: And I know now, that I'm so down
**Todd**: "I'm so down." Another thing people don't say when they're in love.

**5 Seconds of Summer**: Your lipstick stain is a work of art
I got your name tattooed in an arrow heart
**Todd (VO)**: Okay, those lines *are* something someone might say, if, you know, they're a kid with no talent at writing lyrics. But at least it's a more amateur level of horror-bad than the soulless advertisement-bad of the rest of the song. Combined, it makes the worst chorus I've ever heard. It's the worst attempt at a pop-punk love song since...

**Todd**: ...geez, Simple Plan.

*Clip of Simple Plan - "Addicted"*
**Pierre Bouvier**: I'm addic-
I'm addicted to you
**Todd**: Boy, oh boy, didn't everyone want a new Simple Plan. *[Finger gag in mouth]*

**5 Seconds of Summer**: And I know now, that I'm so down
*Interlude*

#6
--

**Todd (VO)**: #6.

*Clip of Chris Brown ft. Usher and Rick Ross - "New Flame"*
**Chris Brown**: There can be one only you, girl
**Todd (VO)**: Oh, Chris Brown. I...can't really work up the hate-on for this kid I used to be able to.

**Todd**: The passion's gone. I mean, what did he do controversial this year? Anything? No. He did nothing except *[clip of Chris in court]* assault a random person and spend five months in jail. By Chris Brown standards, that's nothing.

**Todd (VO)**: But the upside is, now that time has dulled my outrage about what a terrible person he is, now we can focus on what a terrible artist he is. As a pop star, he's still completely lacking in charisma, and vocally, he's still well below par. He released a song that had a guest verse from Usher this year, and holy God, was sharing a stage with Usher a mistake. Chris Brown was so outclassed, it was... *[pictures of "Mona Lisa"...]* it was like hanging a Da Vinci next to that Jesus monkey portrait that old lady painted.

**Todd**: Chris Brown's skills are so lacking, it reminds me of...something. But I don't know what it is.

***#6. Kid Ink ft. Chris Brown - "Show Me"***

**Chris**: Baby...
**Todd (VO)**: Technically, this is not a song by Chris Brown, but from the rapper on the track—a guy named Kid Ink, which sounds like the name *[picture of...]* of a line of glitter pens. But he's such a non-presence that really, Chris Brown kind of dominates it. "Dominated by Chris Brown" is, of course, an unfortunate way to have to describe anything.

> **Voiceover:** Mustard on the beat
>
>

**Todd (VO)**: The song really doesn't belong to Chris either. "Show Me" is really a showcase for one of 2014's breakout talentless—*[picture of...]* DJ Mustard. Yeah, it's a silly name. I assume he calls himself that because his music is about as enjoyable as a faceful *[picture of old soldier in a gas mask]* of mustard gas. If you heard a terrible R&B song this year, it was probably him.

*Clips of Trey Songz - "Na Na"*
**Trey**: Oh na na, look what you...
**Todd (VO)**: That's him.

*...and Jeremih ft. YG - "Don't Tell 'Em"*
**Jeremih**: Don't tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
**Todd (VO)**: That's also him.

And worst of all, this song is him. His thing is dark, minimalist beats that are completely and totally no fun at all, but still somehow get unfixably lodged in your head.

**Todd**: But the worst part of "Show Me" isn't the beat, it's the chorus.

**Chris**: Baby let me put your panties to the side
I'mma make you feel alright
**Todd (VO)**: Oh Chris, I love it when you talk dirty. No, that's not the bad part. Here you go.

**Chris**: Mami you remind me of something
But I don't know what it is
Cause you remind me of something
Girl, you gotta show me
**Todd**: What the hell kind of pickup line was that?!

*Clip of R. Kelly - "You Remind Me of Something"*
**R. Kelly**: You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it
**Todd (VO)**: Like, when R. Kelly did this, it was sleazy, but at least there was a punchline.

**Chris**: You remind me of something
You gotta show me
**Todd (VO)**: Did they just forget to write the other half of it? Is your...is the girl supposed to find that charming?

**Todd**: Hey, uh...I lost my phone number. *[Pause, with crickets chirping]* Let's have sex.

**Todd (VO)**: What *does* she remind you of? Your grandma? Filing taxes? A trip to the dentist?

**Todd**: What?

**Chris**: You remind me of something
You gotta show me
**Todd (VO)**: Fortunately, you don't have to show me anything because I already know what this reminds me of.

**Todd**: Shit. Next!

**Chris**: You gotta show me
***TO BE CONTINUED...***

*Interlude*

#5
--

**Todd (VO)**: #5.

*Clip of Iggy Azalea and MØ performing "Beg for It" at the American Music Awards*
**MØ**: I know you like the way I turn it on
I'm out here with my friends
**Iggy Azalea**: I'mma make you beg
I'mma make you beg for it
**Todd**: To stop.

*Clip of Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX - "Fancy"*
**Iggy**: First things first, I'm the realest
**Todd (VO)**: Iggy Azalea's white-girl-pretending-to-be-black-male shtick was one of the most *[Screenshots of* The Daily Beast *article: "The Cultural Crimes of Iggy Azalea" and* Salon *article: "Iggy Azalea's post-racial mess: America's oldest race tale, remixed"]* controversial things in music this year. I think it's kind of a complex issue, but...

**Todd**: ...fortunately, the argument is made much *less* complicated by the fact that Iggy Azalea just plain sucks.

*Clip of T.I. ft. Iggy Azalea - "No Mediocre"*
**Todd (VO)**: Is this offensive? Disrespectful? Cultural appropriation? I don't know.

**Todd**: Who cares? It sucks.

**Todd (VO)**: Why even argue about it? It's nails on a chalkboard either way.

**Todd**: *[song begins in background]* In a better year, I would have room for multiple Iggy Azalea songs, but because 2014 was so bad, I've only got space for the one. Enjoy.

***#5. Iggy Azalea ft. Rita Ora - "Black Widow"***

**Rita**: I'm gonna love ya until ya hate me
**Todd**: Well, I do hate you, so you can stop now.

**Rita**: I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love ya
I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love ya
Like a black widow, baby
**Todd (VO)**: Did anyone anywhere like this song? The appeal of any of Iggy Azalea's hits this year was totally lost on me, but this one most of all. Iggy Azalea wants to sound dangerous and threatening? She's not. Rita Ora wants to sound like she has personality? She doesn't. *[clip of...]* I mean, I didn't like "Fancy," but at least "Fancy" had a hook. It also had Charli XCX, who at least has an interesting voice, but...

**Rita**: You used to be, thirsty for me (right)
Rita Ora? Look, England, you've tried to export her over here several times. It's not gonna happen. Just...please stop.

**Iggy**: It's like I loved you so much and now I just hate you
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, we already had *[brief clip of Katy Perry and Juicy J's...]* "Dark Horse," we didn't even need that, let alone this sad rip-off of it.

**Iggy**: I'm gonna lo-lo-lo-love you until it hurts
And if anyone was interested in a song about an unstoppable, vengeful, crazy ex, well, now that we have... *[clip of...]* "Blank Space," we really don't need "Black Widow." Yeah, Taylor Swift...

**Todd**: *[making air quotes]* ..."cutie pie, adorable Taylor Swift"...

**Todd (VO)**: *[picture of Taylor holding a guitar near some butterflies]* ...was a more believable psychotic monster than *[Back to "Black Widow"]* the dirty, hardcore rapper.

**Rita**: And I'm gonna show ya (Show 'em what? Show 'em what?)
What's really crazy
**Todd (VO)**: As a matter of fact, I'll never believe *anything* from Iggy Azalea! Whatever she tries to portray herself as, on a sheer musical level. Now, ignoring the politics or whatever, that awful, phony accent will always make Iggy Azalea sound like a poseur! Even on her songs that aren't terrible, it's a problem. And it's not like "Black Widow" does anything interesting to redeem it.

**Todd**: I-I don't even know what else to say about this. This is just pointless. ...Wait a minute. So...

**Todd (VO)**: Iggy Azalea is this femme-fatale maneater who...kills the ones who scorn her? I have an idea? Can we hook up Iggy Azalea with *[clip of "Animals"]* Adam Levine, so they can mutually devour each other?

**Todd**: Can we? Please?

**Iggy:** Bla-bla-black widow, baby
*Interlude*

#4
--

*Clip of Jason DeRulo - "Talk Dirty"*
**Girl**: Jason
Jason DeRulo
**Todd (VO)**: I reviewed two Jason DeRulo songs this year. Uh, they were both pretty terrible.

*Clip of "Wiggle"*
**Snoop Dogg**: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
**Todd (VO)**: Jason DeRulo's a pretty terrible guy, he's a talentless moron. Yeah, uh, "Talk Dirty" and "Wiggle" were a one-two punch of stupid that I don't think he'll ever be able to top.

**Todd**: But goddamn if he isn't gonna try.

*Video for...*
**Jason Derulo**: And the trumpets, they go
***#4. Jason DeRulo - "Trumpets"***

**Todd (VO)**: You know what? Say what you want about "Talk Dirty" and "Wiggle"; at least they're slimy on purpose. But "Trumpets" is different because...

**Todd**: ...even though it was released *after* those songs, it was *[brief clip of "The Other Side"]* recorded *before* them back in 2013, when Jason DeRulo was still trying to be smooth and slick and what have you. So, if you were wondering if the grossness of "Talk Dirty" and "Wiggle" was an intentional, artistic decision, or...

**Todd (VO)**: ...whether he just really is that dumb, well, let's listen to him when he's trying to be sincere.

**Jason**: I hear symphonies in my head
Okay, see? The premise of this song is that whenever he sees this girl, he's so filled with love and joy and happiness that he starts to hear music.

**Todd**: A veritable heavenly choir singing just to him.

**Jason**: And the trumpets they go
*[Trumpet section]*
And they playing for you girl
**Todd (VO)**: Let's ignore for the moment that these particular trumpets are so awkward and badly inserted that they may as well just be off-tempo fart noises.

**Todd**: No, let us hear Monsieur DeRulo describe, in his own words, the joyous music that plays whenever his eyes catch the sight of his beloved fair maiden.

**Jason**: Is it weird that I hear
Violins whenever you’re gone (whenever you’re gone)
Is it weird that your ass
Remind me of a Kanye West song?
**Todd**: *[in disbelief]* What?

**Jason**: Is it weird that your ass
Remind me of a Kanye West song?
**Todd (VO)**: Okay, first off...

**Todd**: ...what Kanye song are you talking about?

*Clip from* Runaway
**Kanye**: She find pictures in my email
I sent this bitch a picture of my dick
**Todd (VO)**: Kanye raps about a lot of things, but I don't think he's ever written a full-on ass anthem, making him one of the few people this year who didn't.

**Todd**: Secondly, if you're trying to prove how in love you are, best not to focus on the ass, okay? Focus on, I don't know, the eyes.

**Jason**: Is it weird that your eyes
Remind me of a Coldplay song
**Todd**: *[guessing]* They were all yellow?

**Todd (VO)**: Well, it's...it's better, at least. Anything else?

**Jason**: Is it weird that your bra
Remind me of a Katy Perry song
*Todd tries to say something, but thinks better of it*

Okay, so here's the song *[clears throat]* in a nutshell. Here we go.

**Todd**: "Hey...I like your tits." *[Cherubs pop up playing trumpet fanfare]*

**Jason**: Is it weird that your bra
Remind me of a Katy Perry song
**Todd (VO)**: Now, I am *definitely* sure Katy Perry never released a song about her own boobs. So this isn't about any songs at all, is it? It's about how her rack reminds you of a celebrity's rack. And boy, doesn't every woman wanna hear that when you see her, you're thinking about a different woman entirely?

**Jason**: Is it weird that I hear
Trumpets when you’re turning me on?
But the worst part, as always, is that it's being sung by Jason DeRulo. He's just one of the worst singers alive, so if you want to hear this yelping idiot serenade his own boner, well, have at it. Me? I just want him to just...

**Todd**: ...go away.

*Video ends*
*Interlude*

#3
--

**Todd (VO)**: #3.

*Video for...wait for it...*
**Lil Wayne**: Young moolah, baby (Let me see)
**Chris Brown**: You thought it was over?
**Todd**: No, I *wished* it was over. Big difference.

***#3. Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne and Tyga - "Loyal"***

**Chris**: These hoes ain't loyal
These hoes ain't loyal
**Todd (VO)**: Now like I said, the Rihanna incident has kind of faded with time, but *still,* right? It's pretty messed up that a guy who did what Chris Brown did can release a song called "These Hoes Ain't Loyal" and have it be a hit, am I right? I'm not the only one who's bothered by this, am I?

**Todd**: Yeah, girls generally fail to be loyal if you call them hoes, Chris, or if you punch them.

**Todd (VO)**: But even more than Chris Brown, I point the failure of this song directly at frequent collaborator and sentient five-foot iguana, Lil Wayne.

**Lil Wayne**: I wasn't born last night
I know these hoes ain't right
It's downright hilarious that I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne cares even one tiniest bit that these hoes are loyal or not.

**Todd**: I mean, I believe Chris Brown cares.

**Todd (VO)**: Chris Brown cares a lot. He cares very deeply when these hoes ain't loyal. He cares so much that he gets really upset and emotional and confused and now look what you made him do.

**Todd**: But Lil Wayne?

*Clip of Lil Wayne ft. Drake and Future - "Bitches Love Me"*
**Lil Wayne**: Baby, just make me cum
Then don't make a sound
**Todd (VO)**: Poor, sensitive soul, Lil Wayne. Burned by love so many times. The voice of tragedy and heartbreak of a generation, Lil Wayne.

**Chris, Lil Wayne, Tyga**: These hoes ain't loyal
Now like I said, I'd buy an angry song about disloyal hoes from Chris Brown. I wouldn't like it, but at least I'd believe it.

**Todd**: But that's not even what the song is about. It's not about how hoes ain't loyal to *him*, it's about how they aren't loyal to *you.*

**Chris**: Just got rich
Took a broke ni\*\*a's bitch
**Todd (VO)**: Chris Brown can steal them from you because he's rich and he can simply lure these hoes away with cash. And Chris, if that's really the angle you wanna take, you might as well rename it "These Bros Ain't Loyal"...

**Todd**: ...because I'm pretty sure what you're doing is violating *[image of...] The Bro Code*.

**Chris**: When a rich ni\*\*a want you
**Todd (VO)**: More importantly, how proud can you really be about having so little game that you have to buy your bitches?

**Chris**: When I call her, she gon' leave
The dude you stole her from nailed that for free, so it seems like he's winning, as far as I'm concerned.

**Todd**: Who likes this song? Who's impressed by it? *[beat]* Oh, and Tyga's on the track too.

**Tyga**: Rich young ni\*\*a
Name got bigger and my change got bigger
So my chains got bigger
**Todd**: *[pause]* Yep. Moving on.

**Chris, Lil Wayne, Tyga**: Let me see
*Interlude*

#2
--

**Todd (VO)**: #2.

*Video for...*
**Todd**: I don't even know what to add about this one.

**Alexis Killacam**: But first, let me take a selfie.
***#2. The Chainsmokers - "#selfie"***

**Todd (VO)**: I'm actually not all that comfortable putting "#selfie" on a list of the worst hit songs of 2014 because it was only barely a hit, and also only barely a song.

**Todd**: But the "of 2014" part, unfortunately, that holds up.

**David Hasselhoff**: Let me take a selfie
**Todd (VO)**: There was nothing else as painfully 2014 in 2014 as "#selfie." This was the year that we not only got the song "#selfie," *[promo pic of...]* but also the show *Selfie*. And by all accounts, it was just as obnoxious, 'cause the song "#selfie" was like if the entire year *[editorial cartoon of Old Man 2013 holding Baby New Year 2014, who takes a selfie]* of 2014 *itself* took a selfie, and just like any bad selfie, we should've deleted it immediately.

**Alexis**: Oh no, ugh I feel like I'm gonna throw up
Yeah, I've already spoken at length about why this song is a horrible failure as music and a horrible failure as comedy, but even if it *had* been funny, so what? Speaking as someone who knows a little something about making fun of vapid white girls...

**Todd**: ...it's shooting fish in a barrel. *[single cover for "Valley Girl" by...]* Frank Zappa beat you to it, *[poster of* White Chicks*]* the goddamn Wayans brothers beat you to it.

**Todd (VO)**: And even in the world of viral Internet videos, I can think of a better one that was funnier, and it came out eight years ago.

*Clip of White Chicks and Gang Signs*
**Billy Reid**: White chicks and gang signs
White chicks and gang signs
G-G-G-Gang signs
I mean, that's not only better music, it's also way more on point.

**Todd**: White girls, you probably shouldn't throw gang signs. *[still shot of Taylor Swift throwing a "gang sign" in video for "22" (ahem)]* But as for just taking pictures of yourself?

**Todd (VO)**: Sure, take as many as you want. Don't let these two douchebags dictate how you're supposed to act. Sure, in a few years, it might just seem like an embarrassing document of your own young, stupid vapidness, but it couldn't possibly be more embarrassing...

**Todd**: ...than having to spend the rest of your life as the guys who released "#selfie."

**Alexis**: Let me take a selfie
## Honorable Mentions

**Todd**: And now, before the *big* reveal of what is the worst song of the year, some honorable mentions.

***Jeremih ft. YG - "Don't Tell 'Em"***

**Jeremih**: Don't tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
You ain't even
**Todd (VO)**: This is actually the closest I came to *liking* a DJ Mustard beat this year. Like it or not, the dude does get in your head. Unfortunately, he handed off that beat to that mouth-breathing doofus Jeremih, the poor man's Jason DeRulo.

**Todd**: Although I do note that "body like the summer" is a strangely poetic line for a song like this.

**Jeremih**: Body like the summer, fuckin' like no other
Don't you tell 'em what we do
**Todd**: *[dramatic] Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?* Hell, yeah, let's fuck! Don't tell 'em, don't tell 'em!

***Rixton - "Me and My Broken Heart"***

**Rixton**: Me and my broken heart
**Todd (VO)**: You don't know who these guys are, but you should probably hate them more than you do. Man, I warned you guys about Maroon 5, and no one listened, and now the wannabes are filtering in. *[scoffs]*

***John Legend - "All of Me"***

**John**: 'Cause all of me...
**Todd**: Snore.

***Hozier - "Take Me to Church"***

**Hozier**: Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
**Todd (VO)**: Uh, people have been asking me if this is going on the Best list this year. Uh...I have absolutely no idea why anyone anywhere would ever want to listen to this. It's...oh, God, it's awful, it's like sitting through a funeral.

**Todd**: So to answer your question, no, it's not gonna be on the Best list.

***Justin Timberlake - "Not a Bad Thing"***

**Justin**: So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me
**Todd (VO)**: In 2006, Justin Timberlake told us he was bringing sexy back. In 2014, he told us that he's, quote...

**Todd**: ..."not a bad thing." If there's any better measure of Justin's rapidly decreasing clout as an entertainer, I don't know it.

***Katy Perry ft. Juicy J - "Dark Horse"***

**Katy**: Are you ready for, ready for
**Todd (VO)**: Holy shit, I didn't have room on the list for "Dark Horse"?! Christ, this year.

***Nicki Minaj - "Anaconda"***

**Nicki**: Oh my gosh
Look at her butt
**Todd (VO)**: This is also going on the honorable mentions for the Best list, for the record.

**Todd**: Well, are you ready? Are you ready to find out what the single worst hit song was of this entire god-forsaken year? Oh yeah, let's do this.

*Interlude*

#1
--

**Todd (VO)**: Number o--

**Todd**: It's "Wiggle."

***#1. Jason DeRulo ft. Snoop Dogg - "Wiggle"***

**Jason and** **Snoop Dogg**: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
**Todd**: Surprise! Yeah.

**Todd (VO)**: There was basically no chance that anything else was gonna top the Worst list this year. In fact, I was having nightmares that something *would* come along that was somehow worse. Like, I'd call up my friends in the middle of the night, and they'd have to reassure me that, "no, Todd, you're being silly. Nothing like that could ever happen."

**Todd**: But you know how it is with trauma—it only has to happen once, and you're looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life.

**Todd (VO)**: Just like "Shake It Off," I could make a Top 10 list out of the worst moments of just this song. Hell, I could make a Top 20 out of that!

**Jason**: You know what to do with that big, fat butt
**Todd**: Yeah, that would be on there.

**Jason**: Go ahead and go ham sammich
**Todd**: Yup.

**Jason**: Schwing
**Todd (VO)**: Wait, hold on, I missed that one.

**Todd**: Did I hear that right? Did he just go, "schwing"?

**Snoop Dogg**: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
**Jason**: Schwing
**Todd**: Wow, what a clever reference.

*Clip from* Wayne's World
**Wayne (Mike Myers)**: Not!
**Todd (VO)**: "Wiggle" is one of those insta-bad songs that everyone everywhere knows exactly where they were the first time they heard it. This is legitimately the worst ass song that has ever been made. Yes...

**Todd**: ...worse than "My Humps."

**Todd (VO)**: The king has been dethroned. There was once a time where I was blessedly ignorant about what to do with that big, fat butt, but those innocent days are over. Thanks, Jason DeRulo.

**Todd**: Now please shut your big, fat mouth.

**Jason**: Schwing
**Snoop Dogg**: Damn, baby, you got a bright future behind you
*Closing Tag Song: Nico & Vinz - "Am I Wrong"*

***THE END***

***This video is owned by me***

***Stop bugging me about the next video! I'm working on it!***

## Footnotes

1. ↑ #11 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
2. ↑ #15 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
3. ↑ #11 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
4. ↑ #8 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
5. ↑ #6 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
6. ↑ #25 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
7. ↑ #10 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
8. ↑ #37 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
9. ↑ #29 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
10. ↑ #62 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
11. ↑ #13 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
12. ↑ #32 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
13. ↑ #90 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
14. ↑ #49 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
15. ↑ #63 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
16. ↑ #93 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
17. ↑ #77 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
18. ↑ #43 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
19. ↑ #53 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
20. ↑ #4 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
21. ↑ #87 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
22. ↑ #26 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
23. ↑ #61 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
24. ↑ #30 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
25. ↑ Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #16
26. ↑ #42 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
27. ↑ #70 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
28. ↑ #3 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
29. ↑ #14 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2015, did not appear on 2014 list
30. ↑ #45 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
31. ↑ #2 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
32. ↑ #36 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
33. ↑ #40 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
34. ↑ #14 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100