Schutzstaffel

—**≶≶ soldiers**, reciting what that paper said.

The **Schutzstaffel** (**≶≶**) was a branch of the Nazi German Burgewehr that did a lot of stuff, really special stuff. It was a group of 10,666 special soldiers who were trained to be the best soldiers among the Burgewehr. They fought in three debatably successful battles against the Russians.

These guys were given special amenities, not seen anywhere else in the world, yes, these are the first super-soldiers to ever graze the Earth, and absolutely no one else is going to steal that idea.

These guys were also called the Neue Sturmtruppen because they would only be assaulting the enemies of the Hitler.

In 2052, the Schutzstaffel returned as a clothing company that would sell clothing with **≶≶** branding. They also sold calculators. They also became a breakdance team. They also became a film studio. These guys are the ones who discover Hitleranium, the legendary metal.

## Why They Were Needed

Adolf Hitler wanted a designation in the military full of super proud boys who would never surrender and fight like the world depended on it. These guys were to be trained to become the best of the best military personnel in the world and eventually the entire Burgewehr would have the same training standard as the **≶≶** so Germany would become unstoppable.

Hitler also wanted other Nazi Party members, particularly Himmler, Steiner, Krabs, and Schneck, to stop trying to take responsibility for things that he wanted to rule on.

## The Ceremony

Hitler would tell his Nazi guys that a ceremony for something super schweet is going to happen in the Burger Office. He already knew what they would be designated for, so he had to go to his official speech teacher and get trained on how to act surprised or whatever.

On the day of the ceremony, Hitler, Himmler, Steiner, Krabs, and Schneck all sat at the round table in the Burger Office. Hitler played ceremonial music and audience cheers on his radio. The Neue Sturmtruppen Founding Ceremony went something like this:

**Hitler**—Mein freunds. Mein Volk. We are gathered here today to celebrate the founding of the Neue Sturmtruppen (working name).

*(audience applause)*

**Hitler**—Danke, danke. I am here with mein boys from the Nazi Party whose roles are about to be chosen for the Neue Sturmtruppen.

*(audience applause)*

**Hitler**—Danke. Ja. Danke schön. Ja.

**Steiner**—Schneeeeeell.

**Hitler**—NEIN.

*(audience boos)*

**Hitler**—Alright. I would like to thank—*(this is taking too long)* my guys from the Nazi Party. Now I'll choose everyone's roles!

*(audience applause)*

**Hitler**—OK. Himmler, you're the Führer of the thing. Steiner, you're recruitment officer and leader of the 1st battalion. Krabs, you're leader of the 2nd battalion. And Schneck, you make the *medicine*, ja.

*(audience applause)*

**Hitler**—Alright that's it. Tschüss!

*(Hitler starts walking away to his office)*

**Himmler**—But... Hitler! What do we do? Hitler!

**Steiner**—Mein Führer!

*(the guys start walking out of the Burger Office)*

*(Hitler locks his doors)*

**Schneck**—Uh, mein Führer? You barely told us what to do?

**Krabs**—What's our mission, Führer?

**Hitler**—**FIGURE IT OUT**!

## The Training Process

### Before the Scenes

The Schutzstaffel recruitment center would be located inside one Burgewehr Sturmbull enlistment center. This is because Steiner thought that Hitler wanted him to be the face of the **≶≶** when Hitler designated him as the recruitment officer. This was part of the reason why the number of soldiers was less than expected. Steiner set up camp in a single recruitment facility in some town in Germany.

Number of recruits was lame, so Himmler told Steiner and Schneck to think of ideas that would help boost numbers and then do them. They went with their first idea: Aryan Spirit. Schneck would grow the drugs and tell soldiers that if they sign up to become a soldier for the Neue Sturmtruppen, this cool, new, hip Burgewehr designation that will train you to rock the socks off of Hitler's enemies, they will get some Aryan Spirit. Steiner also made the benefits clear to enlistees and conscripts in the other branches. They also went with medical benefits.

The ideas of hard drugs and medical benefits certainly boosted recruitment. But most of those guys were trashy idiots or retards with mothers who thought that the medical benefits would cure them or kill them.

### Eligibility Process

The **≶≶** got their first batch of future soldiers! And future rejects. How exciting.

Krabs thought of the idea of a questionnaire that would test how loyal these recruits were to Hitler and the Vaterland. Steiner approved the idea and Krabs would make the test. Some of the questions include (**bold** is the correct answer):

*Do you love Hitler? Yes. **SUPER MEGA YES AND I WOULD DIE FOR HIM!** No and I love Stalin.*

*Do you love Deutschland? Yes. **SUPER MEGA YES AND I WOULD DIE FOR IT!** No and I love Russia.*

*What do you say after Deutschland? Yes. **SIEG HEIL!!!** Cheeseburger.*

Most soldiers got through this questionnaire because it didn't test whether the soldier was mentally different or if they smoked.

### The Actual Training

Himmler, Krabs and Steiner trained all of the enlistees (or conscripts) by using a never-before-seen super hard obstacle course that was inspired by the Russian forests. They had giant fans and snow machines that simulated the Russian summer. Slippery surfaces to simulate running on ice. And monkey bars. This stuff tested trainees' cardio and strength, easily cleared by the idiots and not easily cleared by the smokers.

The guys trained all of the future soldiers to know how to sturm buildings the correct way, using submachine guns and grenades, not rifles. They learned how to kick doors open and know target priority: KILL THEM ALL. Real target priority was too hard to teach those idiots.

Some guys became medics. They learned how to apply the legendary Wunderbandage, a cast thingy that could heal all de wounds!

### Graduation

After some 24 weeks of training, the trainees who passed officially became soldiers in an act of grand ceremony: painting a wall. The most legendary painted wall from one these ceremonies included a tasteful drawing of Der Führer!

The retards did dances of victory, inventing breakdancing as a side effect. It was an epic time for those guys, but the ceremony had to end sometime.

After the ceremony, they were given loads of Aryan Spirit from the drug vault in the Herrbunker to keep them happy after being unable to do painting on a wall ever again.

Only 10,666 guys would become soldiers that would be ready to fight. Himmler lied to Hitler about the number of soldiers who graduated. He said that there were 144,888 healthy and proud **≶≶** soldiers.

## The Name

The Schutzstaffel is a prototype name that meant "Shoot Stuff." Himmler didn't have the time to rename it with a name relating to food, so he just kept it and used the fact that the name alliterates S to create the symbol and flag. He used the greater and less than symbols because he is a math freak, and it happens to look like an S.

## Destruction

The Schutzstaffel would participate in three assaults on Russian territory. These were extremely defended citadels that held tens of thousands of Russian troops, but they were super important points of interest for the German military.

In the first battle, they lost 5,432 soldiers died and successfully took the point, killing 9,000 Russian soldiers. This loss was devastating to the **≶≶** leaders, who knew that they just lost over half of their guys, but Hitler, thinking the **≶≶** still had a bunch of soldiers left wasn't worried and immediately asked for the next assault to happen. The second storm would see them lose 3,294 soldiers and successfully take the objective again, killing 4,450 Russian soldiers. Himmler and the rest, just wanting to stop the stressful business of running this crap, secretly stopped the program. The third battle would be a success, but every last **≶≶** soldier would be killed. With the stress alleviated, the guys stopped worrying about running the **≶≶** program.

Hitler, impressed with the performance of the **≶≶** soldiers, wanted to see them drive tanks, so he informed Himmler that that was going to happen. Himmler, having a mental breakdown, screwed up his office. He came up with the idea of automating everything that Hitler would see. He told the other guys his idea and Krabs said that was stupid, so they went with his idea of dressing up tank guys with **≶≶** uniforms. It was easy.

## In the Final Days

The Schutzstaffel would be uttered one last time in Hitler's Herrbunker when he asked Krabs what's going on with Steiner and the **≶≶**. Krabs told him the truth, that the **≶≶** is no more and Steiner is hiding in a bunker in Berlin. This got Hitler MAD. Extremely MAD. So MAD that he said, "If you break your legs, it's hard to cook orangutan." Deep, deep stuff.

## Conspiracy

Some people think that Hitler wanted the Schutzstaffel to become filled with mentally deficient men and drug users so he could purge them. He knew that it would fail and that he was faking it the whole time just to screw with Himmler. This was untrue, because that would be dumb, right? Yes.

## Reemerging

The Schutzstaffel came back in 2052 because of the Naziening. A guy wanted to make a clothing company with **≶≶** branding and schtick. It was super successful because a bunch of people were Nazis and wanted to get that **≶≶** trench coat. The company would expand services due to the ludicrous amount of money it made and make calculators because Himmler was a math freak. Everyone wanted that **≶≶** calculator. The novelty of such a thing would turn everyone who bought it into the popular kid! So, a whole bunch of people bought that calc.

In just a few years of selling coats and making a brand deal with Hugo Boss, the **≶≶** company became a film studio because the Schutzstaffel did a bunch of propaganda films for Nazi Germany. They made comedies revolving around WWII and the leaders of the world at that time. Those movies got them so much money that it got the attention of Disney. Disney-Pixar and the Schutzstaffel collaborated on an animated movie called 'Caust, a movie about Hitler's rise to power. It made them a boatload of money because... Disney's returning to its roots.

The company then invested in Hitleranium mining. Everyone thought that Hitleranium was a myth, but the company thought it could find it because the Russians found Stalinium over a hundred years ago. It got them really rich because the government asked for them to keep doing that to supply the Bundesburger's new armor technology.

## Trivia

* Rammy Lamb really loves this group's memorabilia
* Some Polish idiots (redundancy) buy all their clothes from this company