I CAME IN LIKE A WREEECKING BAAAAAAAALLLLLL

"...and we can rejoice in the fact that she's now in the hands of a God who loves her unconditionally a-"

"Unconditionally? Yeah, unless you're a faggot like me, right?"

"Mr Vasey, please, now's not the time for this."

"Then when is the time? Tomorrow? Because as the saying goes, tomorrow never comes. We all know what Mai did, no use denying it; she probably broke every rule in that wretched old tome. I mean, she got with other girls doing her day job; so why would she be happy in heaven? Surely she should be burning for eternity like the rest of us who dare to take control of our own lives; but that's not how the church does things, is it? No, of course not, the so-called men of God just tell us what we want to hear. I mean, look at yourselves, all of you; you're fucking terrified of dying. This is nothing but a lie to keep you happy, because you're fucking scared. Mai wasn't scared - don't get me wrong, she wasn't expecting to go...so soon - but she knew it was coming. She'd known that for a couple of years, and she'd accepted it; embraced it, even. And all you lot can do, when you gather to celebrate the life of one of the most magnificent people I've ever bloody known, is bury your heads in the sand like a bunch of fucking ostriches. This, all this Jesus and Heaven shit, all this shit about God, that's what my dad was about. My cunting bastard of a father, who murdered the woman we're meant to be remembering. You think you're remembering her with this? Doing her justice? Bullshit. This farce, this parade of charades, is something she'd despise...hell, I know she despised it, she told me as much. Mai didn't want any of this...you aren't cherishing her memory....you're spitting on her fucking grave. I'm done with this bollocks, if anyone wants me I'll be out by the stream; y'know, actually remembering her rather than making myself feel better. And if you miserable cunts had even an ounce of respect for that...that wonderful woman....you'd be doing the same."

"I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now - honestly I'm expecting an 'eff off' at any minute - but I've come to offer my condolences. She seemed like a lovely girl, from what I knew of her."

"And what did you know of her? Judging by that service back there, not much at all. Did you know what job she was in? I mean, I know that's against the so-called Good Book, people like me tend to remember the tale of Sodom and Gomorrah a bit better than most; after all, it's the main weapon you lot have used against us for the past few centuries."

"Give me some credit, Mr Vasey, do you really think I believe all that?"

"Why wouldn't you? After all, you're the one who preaches life lessons from that dusty old book. Don't patronise me, for fuck's sake, I know what people like you believe."

"Well for a man who believes in nothing, you seem to know a lot. I, on the other hand, believe in much and freely admit that I know little. One of the things I don't know is God's plan, that's something we all share, believer and non-believer alike; but one of the few things I do know is that He doesn't create something beautiful just to make it suffer."

"Following your logic, then...why did he make Mai? Why did he make such an interesting and beautiful young woman, only to let a bastard like my father snatch her away. Why did he give her the cancer in the fucking first place, answer me that one with something other than 'God works in mysterious ways', Reverend."

"He put her on this earth to bring people joy, at least that's what I believe, because like I said, I don't know much. I mean, would you ever say your life would've been better without knowing her?"

"No...of course not..."

"Well there you have it. For however short a time she was here, that girl brought you and God knows how many others a little bit of much-needed happiness."

"Did my father bring anyone happiness?"

"Without your father, you wouldn't be around."

"I'd give up my life - and that old cunt's too - a thousand times over to give Mai more day. I mean, who'd miss me anyway."

"I think I would, despite how unlikely that might sound. You're a smart man, and an argument with you would be far more satisfying than an agreement with most others."

"Well, I think you're the exception to the rule then."

"Do you think Mai would've missed you? Because I do, I think she'd have missed you a lot. Like you said back in the church, she knew it was coming, though she might've lived a bit longer than she did if what happened...didn't happen."

"What's your point?"

"I think, if she had the choice, she'd have chosen you over years of life, let alone a few months. I saw the way she looked at you, that was-"

"Love, I know. And I loved her back, she was a like family to me. Hell, we were a family, complete with a bigoted old fart at the helm."

"Has anyone ever told you you're a terrible liar? And besides, I already knew. What she felt for you, it wasn't some familial love that you might feel for your brother or cousin or uncle, honestly love probably isn't even the right word for it. Adoration, that's more like it, she adored you...and you know that, don't you?"

"I know..."

"She gave me a letter, before she died. She wasn't expecting it to happen how it did, but like you said, she knew it was only a matter of time. Mind if I read it out loud?"

"Go ahead, not as if anyone's around to hear..."

"***Reverend, it pains me to say this, but I hope that you would be willing to conduct a service upon my death. I'm not a believer, everyone knows that, but I want to make it easier for the people who are. Yes, it's probably vain for me to think that there will be masses of people mourning my passing, but please allow a dying woman to maintain her delusions. I know Keith will object, he'll do so without a doubt, and so I need to ask you to pass on a message from me. It's simple, really: just tell him that I loved him...well...more than life itself. If I could trade my soul for another day with him, I'd make the choice without a doubt. And he needs to know that. Yours with thanks, Mai.***"

"Heh...that's Mai alright...always worrying about everyone else before herself...I just feel guilty about what I did, because she wanted it so much..."

"You shouldn't feel guilty about what you said in the service, you were just speaking out for her."

"No...that's not what I mean. With all due respect, and now I feel that it really is due, I don't give a flying fuck about interrupting the service. I feel guilty because...because I couldn't love her back."

"You can't help who you fall in love with..."

"But I could, couldn't I? I could've faked it, made her happy for a little while, given her what she wanted."

"But I doubt she would've wanted that, I think she loved you more just for being honest about it. You loved her back in your own way, and she knew it, it was just a different kind of love."

"Yeah, I guess it was...thank you, Revere-"

"Please, call me Kenneth, let's dispense with the formalities."

"Thank you, Kenneth. Really, honestly, I don't know what I'd have done without you telling me all that."

"It's quite alright, it's what I'm here for; just because I'm a vicar doesn't mean I'm not a man as well. My point is...well, it might be easier to explain using the sheep analogy that people in my profession are so fond of. You see...if I was a shepherd who kept white sheep, that doesn't mean I'd ignore a black sheep teetering on the edge of a cliff."

"Sorry, I don't follow."

"What I'm saying is...I doubt you'd want to talk to me as your spiritual advisor...but my door is just as open if you want to talk to me as a friend...now, if you'll excuse me, I have dinner to cook; our new arrival is probably starving. Would you care to join us?"

"Yeah...alright, yeah."