Lesson Zero

**Twilight Sparkle**: Quill.
**Spike**: Check.
**Twilight Sparkle**: Parchment.
**Spike**: Check.
**Twilight Sparkle**: Extra ink.
**Spike**: Check.
**Twilight Sparkle**: *Extra* extra ink.
**Spike**: Check.
**Twilight Sparkle**: Is that everything on the checklist?
**Spike**: Yep.
**Twilight Sparkle**: Great. Now that we've completed the checklist of things we need to create a checklist, we can make my checklist of the things I have to get done by the end of the day. Ready?
**Spike**: Ready!
**Twilight Sparkle**: Item one: create checklist of the things I have to accomplish by the end of the day.
**Spike**: [sighs]
[theme song]
**Twilight Sparkle**: How are we doing, Spike?
**Spike**: Let's see... We've already dropped off your cape at the cleaners, returned the blackboard you borrowed from Cheerilee, ordered new parchment and quills from the stationery shop...
**Twilight Sparkle**: Hmm... Seems like we just placed an order for those a few days ago.
**Spike**: Can't imagine why we go through so many of them.
**Twilight Sparkle**: Sounds like we're ahead of schedule. What's next?
**Spike**: Cupcakes!
**Spike**: Whoa...
**Twilight Sparkle**: Uh, I only ordered twelve.
**Mrs Cake**: Oh, I know, dear, but I had an extra. So I thought I'd make it a baker's dozen.
**Spike**: Uhhh-no!
**Twilight Sparkle**: Oh, that was very thoughtful of you. It's just some of the icing from the extra cupcake is getting all over the one next to it. See?
**Mrs Cake**: Ohh... sure...
**Twilight Sparkle**: It's just that I'm planning on sharing these at a picnic later and I don't want anypony to feel like somepony else is getting more icing.
**Mrs Cake**: Oh, no... of course not.
**Twilight Sparkle**: Not to worry, I'll just move some of this one to... hmm... I think I may have scooped too much... oops! Now those two have more. Let's just try this again... Hmm, no, that won't do. Let me just... hmm... put some here, and... no, that's not right. A little more on this one, a little bit... and wait... I'll just... ooh, a little bit here, and here, and... perfect!
**Mrs Cake**: Hmm, oh yes... much better...
**Twilight Sparkle**: Okay, time to tackle the next item on our— oops! Looks like we're going to have to add 'give a baby dragon a bath' to our list.
**Spike**: [slurp]
**Twilight Sparkle**: Very efficient! And a little bit gross.
**Spike**: Eh.
**Spike**: Looks like that's everything!
**Twilight Sparkle**: Almost everything.
**Spike**: "*Triple*-check checklist to make sure we didn't miss anything when we double checked the checklist!" Uh... check! Ugh... I've been holding that quill so long, I've got a claw cramp! Well, good thing we don't have anything to report to Princess Celestia this week... I don't think I could write another word!
**Twilight Sparkle**: We haven't sent a letter to Princess Celestia this week?!
**Spike**: Why? Is that bad?
**Twilight Sparkle**: *Bad?* *BAD?* Of course it's *bad*! I'm supposed to send Princess Celestia a letter every week, telling her about a lesson I've learned about friendship! Not every other week, not every ten days, *every... single... week!*
**Spike**: Huh?
**Twilight Sparkle**: Ohh... Where's my calendar, where's my calendar?!
**Spike**: Where it.. always is?
**Twilight Sparkle**: When did we send the last one?
**Spike**: Last... Tuesday?
**Twilight Sparkle**: And today is...
**Spike**: Tuesday?
**Twilight Sparkle**: Argh! Nononononononono! If I don't send her a letter by sundown, I'll be... *tardy*!
**Spike**: What's that now?
**Twilight Sparkle**: Tar-dy, Spike! Late, I'll be late! Oh, how could I let this happen? I'm usually so organized. I've never been late with an assignment.
**Spike**: Oh, please! You're the most studious student ever! I'm sure the Princess will forgive you if you miss one little deadline.
**Twilight Sparkle**: I'm afraid to take that chance, Spike. This is the ruler of all of Equestria we're talking about. The pony who holds my fate in her hooves! What if she doesn't forgive me?
**Spike**: Yeah... I don't think she—
**Twilight Sparkle**: What if instead she starts thinking I'm not taking my studies on friendship seriously?
**Spike**: Why would she—
**Twilight Sparkle**: What if she makes me come back to Canterlot and puts me back in school and makes me *prove* I've been taking them seriously by giving me a test?! What if I don't pass?!
**Spike**: Well, why wouldn't you pass—
**Twilight Sparkle**: She's my teacher. Do you know what teachers do to students who don't pass? They send them back a grade! But she won't just send me back a grade. She'll send me back to... *magic kindergarten*.
**Various fillies**: [laughing]
**Spike**: Twilight? Twilight!
**Twilight Sparkle**: Huh?
**Spike**: That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! You're not going to be sent back to magic kindergarten.
**Twilight Sparkle**: You're right. I have no reason to worry. Because I'm going to solve a friend's problem and get that letter to Princess Celestia before sundown!
**Spike**: [sighs]
**Twilight Sparkle**: So... got any problems, troubles, conundrums, or any other sort of issues, major or minor, that I as a *good* friend could help you solve?
**Spike**: Huh. Hmm. Huunh. Huh... I got nothin'.
**Twilight Sparkle**: [sigh] Then it looks like I'm going to have to find somepony who does.
**Spike**: [sigh] This won't end well.
[clock ticking]
**Twilight Sparkle**: You've got this, Twilight. You still have plenty of time to get that letter to Princess Celestia! Has to be *somepony* who needs the help of a good friend!
**Rarity**: [screaming]
**Twilight Sparkle**: Rarity!
**Rarity**: [continued screaming]
**Twilight Sparkle**: Don't worry, Rarity! I'm here!
**Rarity**: [sobbing] Why me-e-e-e-e-ee... [gasp] WHYYYY?! Why? Why-y?! And of all the worst things that could happen, this is *THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!*
**Twilight Sparkle**: What's happened? Are you alright?
**Rarity**: [gasp] I've lost my diamond-encrusted purple ribbon! I have searched high, and I have searched low. Low and high! High and low! But I can't find it anywhere! Anywhe-e-e-e-ere! How can I possibly finish my latest creation if I can't find it?!
**Twilight Sparkle**: Never fear, Rarity. As your friend I'll do my best to help you fi—
**Rarity**: Oh, there it is. Isn't it always just the last place you look?
**Twilight Sparkle**: So... you just lost your ribbon?
**Rarity**: Mm-hm!
**Twilight Sparkle**: But now you've found it?
**Rarity**: Yuh-huh.
**Twilight Sparkle**: And nothing else is bothering you? Nothing that I, as a good friend, could help you with?
**Rarity**: Hmm... there is one thing.
**Twilight Sparkle**: Yes?
**Rarity**: I think I left my measuring tape under the fabric over there. Could you get that for me?
**Twilight Sparkle**: [sighs] Measuring tape? Sure.
**Rarity**: Twilight? Is there something bother— Twilight?
[clock ticking]
**Twilight Sparkle**: No need to panic. Rarity is just one pony. I'm sure one of my other friends will need me.
**Rainbow Dash**: [grunting and kiai noises]
[crashing]
**Twilight Sparkle**: What in the world...? Rainbow must be angry with Applejack! She must hate her guts! How wonderful! Rainbow Dash! Stop! Listen, Rainbow. I know you're upset with Applejack, but don't worry. Whatever it is that has come between you two, I'm sure that I, as a good friend, can help you resolve your problems.
**Rainbow Dash**: Uh, what are you talking about?
**Twilight Sparkle**: Oh, Rainbow Dash, you don't have to hide your feelings from me! I can tell you two must've had a terrible fight.
**Twilight Sparkle**: Now, why don't you tell me all about your issues with Applejack.
**Rainbow Dash**: I don't have any issues with Applejack.
**Twilight Sparkle**: You don't? Then why are you destroying her property?
**Rainbow Dash**: Because she asked me to. Right, Applejack?
**Applejack**: Yes, ma'am. I wanted to put up a new barn, but this one's gotta come down first. Hehe. Now get back to it, R.D.
**Rainbow Dash**: You got it, boss!
**Applejack**: I'd take cover if I were you.
**Twilight Sparkle**: [yelps]
**Rainbow Dash**: [screams]
[explosion]
**Twilight Sparkle**: [sigh]
[clock ticking]
**Twilight Sparkle**: [sigh] I can't believe I wasted all that time. I should have just come here first. Fluttershy always has some fear she's trying to get over. As a good friend, I'll be able to help her.
**Bear**: [roars]
**Fluttershy**: [grunting]
**Twilight Sparkle**: Fluttershy?
**Fluttershy**: [grunting, yelling]
**Twilight Sparkle**: How can this be happening? Of all the days she had to stop being such a scaredy-pony, she had to pick today?! What am I going to do?!
**Fluttershy**: You really should have come to me sooner. You were carrying so much tension in that shoulder.
**Bear**: [growls]
**Twilight Sparkle**: It's fine. It'll all be fine. The day isn't over yet. But it will be over soon!
[clock ticking]
**Twilight Sparkle**: [groans] It'll be all over! My time in Ponyville! My advanced studies! Nono. You're a good student. You can do this. Ooh! But what if I can't? You can! You just have to keep it together. Keep. It. Together!
**Spike**: Are you talking to... yourself? Twilight?
**Fillies**: [laughing]
**Spike**: *Snap out of it*!
**Twilight Sparkle**: Huh?
**Spike**: Are you okay?
**Fillies**: [laughing]
**Spike**: Twilight, I'm really worried. I mean this letter thing is really getting to you. Here. You've been so anxious all day that you completely forgot about the picnic. Why don't you just relax and go hang out with—
**Twilight Sparkle**: The picnic! I should go see my friends!
**Spike**: I'm glad you've come to your senses.
**Rarity**: Please tell me I did not forget the plates. [gasp] I did. I totally forgot them. Of all the worst things that could happen, this is *THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!* [cries] Why, why, why... Uh... What? You didn't expect me to lay on the grass, did you?
[bray]
**Applejack**: You alright, hun?
**Twilight Sparkle**: No! I am not alright.
**Applejack**, **Fluttershy**, **Rainbow Dash**, and **Rarity**: [surprised muttering]
**Twilight Sparkle**: It's just terrible.
**Applejack**, **Fluttershy**, **Pinkie Pie**, **Rainbow Dash**, and **Rarity**: Yes?
**Twilight Sparkle**: Simply awful.
**Applejack**, **Fluttershy**, **Pinkie Pie**, **Rainbow Dash**, and **Rarity**: Yes?!
**Twilight Sparkle**: It's the most horrific trouble I've ever been in and I really really *really* need your help!
**Applejack**, **Fluttershy**, **Pinkie Pie**, **Rainbow Dash**, and **Rarity**: *YES?!*
**Twilight Sparkle**: My letter to Princess Celestia is almost overdue, and I haven't learned anything about friendship!
**Applejack**, **Fluttershy**, **Pinkie Pie**, **Rainbow Dash**, and **Rarity**: [sighs]
**Fluttershy**: Oh, thank goodness. I thought something really awful had happened.
**Twilight Sparkle**: [strangled noises] Something awful *has* happened! If I don't turn in the letter on time, I'll be tardy! TARDY!
**Applejack**, **Fluttershy**, **Pinkie Pie**, **Rainbow Dash**, and **Rarity**: [giggles]
**Applejack**: No offense, sugarcube, but it looks like somepony's gettin' themselves all worked up over nothin'.
**Twilight Sparkle**: This is not nothing. This is everything. I need you guys to help me find somepony with a problem I can fix before sundown! *My whole life depends on it*!
**Pinkie Pie**: [giggles] Oh, Twilight, you're such a crack-up! [laughs]
**Applejack**: Come on now. Have a seat and stop sweatin' the small stuff.
**Twilight Sparkle**: [groans]
**Fluttershy**: Wow. I've never seen Twilight so upset before.
**Rarity**: Oh, what a drama queen. Mm. Relatively speaking...
[clock ticking]
**Twilight Sparkle**: Clock is ticking, Twilight. Clock. Is. *Ticking*. Keep it together. If I can't *find* a friendship problem... I'll *make* a friendship problem!
[bird chirping]
**Twilight Sparkle**: [insane giggles]
**Apple Bloom**, **Scootaloo**, and **Sweetie Belle**: [giggling]
**Twilight Sparkle**: Hi, girls! [twitching]
**Apple Bloom**: Oh, hi, Twilight. How's it go—
**Twilight Sparkle**: Gr-eat. Just great. You three look like you're doing great too! Looks like three good friends who obviously don't need the help of another good friend. This is Smarty Pants. She was mine when I was your age, and now I want to give her to you!
**Scootaloo**: Uhh... she's... great.
**Apple Bloom**: Yeah. Great.
**Sweetie Belle**: I really... like her... mane.
**Twilight Sparkle**: She even comes with her own notebook and quill, for when you want to *pretend* she's doing her homework!
**Scootaloo**: That's... um... great.
**Apple Bloom**: Yeah... great.
**Sweetie Belle**: I really like her... mane?
**Twilight Sparkle**: I just hope the fact that there are three of you and only one of her doesn't become a problem! I'd hate to cause a rift between such good friends. So, who wants to play with her first?
**Apple Bloom**: Uh... You should play with her first, Sweetie Belle. Y'know, 'cause you like her mane so much.
**Sweetie Belle**: Nonononononono. I think Scootaloo should get to play with her first.
**Scootaloo**: I'd love to, but, um, you take her, Apple Bloom.
**Apple Bloom**: Applejack says it's important to share.
**Twilight Sparkle**: [thinking] I gotta think of something! Thinkthinkthinkthinkthink Twilight, think! [gasp] That's it! [aloud] Ooh, you're going to *like* Smarty Pants. And you're going to like her more than *anything*.
**Scootaloo**: [gasp] I want it.
**Apple Bloom**: I *need* it.
**Sweetie Belle**: I really like her mane!
**Apple Bloom**, **Scootaloo**, and **Sweetie Belle**: [arguing]
**Twilight Sparkle**: The 'want it, need it' spell. Works every time. Okay, okay, let's break it up. I think we can all see that there is an important lesson to be learned here about— ugh! C'mon, girls, we're all friends here, right? Don't you think you ought to share?
**Apple Bloom**: No way!
**Twilight Sparkle**: [groan] Big McIntosh! Thank goodness! You've gotta help me get that doll away from those girls!
**Big McIntosh**: Eeyup.
**Apple Bloom**, **Scootaloo**, and **Sweetie Belle**: [continue arguing]
**Twilight Sparkle**: Oh, thank you so much. Now if you could just give her to me?
**Big McIntosh**: Nnnope.
**Twilight Sparkle**: Oh no!
**Apple Bloom**: Give her back!
**Apple Bloom**, **Scootaloo**, and **Sweetie Belle**: [Don't touch it! It's mine! I want it!]
**Mayor Mare**: What's all the commotion about?
**Orange Swirl**: They're fighting over that doll!
**Sweetie Drops**: That incredible, amazing doll!
**Ponies**: [arguing]
**Twilight Sparkle**: Can't... get... a clear shot! [grunting]
**Mayor Mare**: Gimme!
**Big McIntosh**: Nope.
**Twilight Sparkle**: Oh, what have I done?!
**Ponies**: [arguing]
**Applejack**: Y'all hear that? What in the name of all things oats 'n apples is goin' on here?!
**Twilight Sparkle**: Don't look at it!
**Rarity**: Don't look at what?
**Twilight Sparkle**: My Smarty Pants doll! I enchanted her and now everypony is fighting over her!
**Fluttershy**: Why would you enchant your doll?
**Twilight Sparkle**: Oh, I had to do something! I had nothing to report to Princess Celestia! I thought if I couldn't *find* a problem, I'd *make* a problem! The day is almost over!
**Applejack**: Not almost!
**Princess Celestia**: Twilight Sparkle!
**Applejack**: Whoa nelly.
[Smarty Pants doll squeaks]
**Big McIntosh**: [neighs and whinnies]
**Princess Celestia**: Meet me in the library.
**Twilight Sparkle**: Goodbye, girls. If you care to visit, I'll be in magic kindergarten, back in Canterlot.
**Fluttershy**: Magic kindergarten?
**Rainbow Dash**: Canterlot?
**Pinkie Pie**: We're never gonna see Twilight again!
**Applejack**: Uh, what are we gonna do, y'all?
**Rarity**: Of all the worst things that could happen, this is *THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!* What? I really mean it this time!
**Twilight Sparkle**: But...but... I'm supposed to send you a letter about friendship every week. I missed the deadline. I'm a bad student! I'm... tardy!
**Princess Celestia**: You are a wonderful student, Twilight. I don't have to get a letter every week to know that.
**Twilight Sparkle**: Really?
**Rainbow Dash**: Wait!
**Pinkie Pie**: You can't punish her!
**Applejack**: It wasn't her fault!
**Princess Celestia**: I'm listening.
**Fluttershy**: Please, your Highness. We all saw that Twilight was upset.
**Rainbow Dash**: But we thought that the thing she was worrying about wasn't *worth* worrying about.
**Applejack**: So when she ran off all worked up, not a single one of us tried to stop her.
**Rarity**: As Twilight's good friends, we *should* have taken her feelings seriously and been there for her!
**Fluttershy**: Please don't take her away from us just because we were too insensitive to help her.
**Princess Celestia**: Looks like you all learned a pretty valuable lesson today.
**Applejack**, **Fluttershy**, **Pinkie Pie**, **Rainbow Dash**, and **Rarity**: Mm-hmm.
**Princess Celestia**: Very well. I'll forget Twilight's "punishment" on one condition.
**Applejack**, **Fluttershy**, **Pinkie Pie**, **Rainbow Dash**, and **Rarity**: [All right, etc.]
**Princess Celestia**: From this day forth, I would like you *all* to report to me your findings on the magic of friendship when, and only when, you happen to discover them.
**Applejack**, **Fluttershy**, **Pinkie Pie**, **Rainbow Dash**, and **Rarity**: [cheering]
**Twilight Sparkle**: Princess Celestia, wait! How did you know I was in trouble?
**Princess Celestia**: Your friend Spike made me aware that you were letting your fears get the best of you. I commend him for taking your feelings seriously. Now, if you will all excuse me, I must return to Canterlot. I'm expecting some mail.
**Applejack**: Y'all heard the Princess. Spike, take a letter.
**Applejack**: [clears throat] *Dear Princess Celestia,*
*We're writin' to you because today we all learned a little somethin' about friendship.*
**Fluttershy**: *We learned that you should take your friends' worries seriously.*
**Rainbow Dash**: *Even if you don't think that she has anything to worry about.*
**Rarity**: *And that you shouldn't let your worries turn a small problem...*
**Pinkie Pie**: *...into an enormously huge entire-town-in-total-chaos Princess-has-to-come-and-save-the-day problem.*
**Applejack**: *Signed, your loyal subjects.*
**Spike**: *P.S. Obviously Spike did not have to learn a lesson, because he is the best, most awesome friend a pony could ask for. Unlike everypony else, he took things seriously, and-* Eheh... uh... yeah... I'll just, um...
**Twilight Sparkle**, **Applejack**, **Fluttershy**, **Pinkie Pie**, **Rainbow Dash**, and **Rarity**: [laughs]
**Spike**: [snorts]
[music]
[credits]