D&D Season 5

Well, now. After a whopping 8-episode Season 4 which got cut off by a series of absolute blunders by our main protagonists, the entire story had to be reworked. So now here we are again, months later, with Season 5.

We have Tedcrag, who was no longer a future emperor but a prisoner and traitor to Hydraco. We have Gulliman, another prisoner and traitor to Hydraco, not to mention having crimes back home to answer for. And for the first time in our campaign, we do not have Gralak, who sadly met his end last season, broken and naked by the riverside. But in his place, joining us is the tiefling Mazora with a mysterious past...

After four seasons of bumbling their way through the campaign, it's time for the final, *final* season...... probably. Now let's cut with the bullshit and get right into it.

## Episode LXXVI: Dinner with a Devil

But first...

**Episode 75.5: The Interim**

Days passed. During this time, Tedcrag had a lot of time to contemplate and dwell on the previous events. At one point, Prahringerr had told him that even if he knew about the nuke's blast radius, he still would have used the nuke anyway. He justified this by saying that the war with the elves would have killed hundreds of thousands more than that one attack, and that Hydraco would have lost that war. He chastised Tedcrag, claiming he wouldn’t and couldn't understand the burdens of being emperor.

Tedcrag had a lot of time to think about Prahringerr's words. The emperor’s argument made sense when viewing war as a numbers game, Tedcrag understood. But Tedcrag held fast in his idealistic belief that no one should reduce war to arithmetic. Dropping the nuke on the elven capital and killing tens of thousands of civilians might save more lives mathematically, true, but that doesn’t mean that it was the right thing to do. There had to have been another way; there must have. And even if there wasn’t, Tedcrag could never support the kind of ruler who would condone such a war crime. Call him naive, but just like when his late friend had an explosive bolt aimed at women and children, he steadfastly believed that there are certain lines that you just don’t cross.

[Yeaaah…. definitely no real-world parallels to be found here, no sir.]

Gulliman probably thought things over in the interim as well, he might have even been interrogated, but I’m not John so I’ll leave that to your imagination.

Throughout this period, the pyromancers questioned Tedcrag over various subjects. It wasn’t an interrogation per se, but Tedcrag gave out most of the info willingly, knowing that as shitty as the situation was, Prahringerr and his resources were the best chance at stopping the extraterrestrials. For instance, he told them about the VI in the volcano, but did not mention Esir. He also made sure to drive the point home that killing Gralak, the only one who could pilot the ships, was the absolute dumbest thing the Hydraconians could have done.

Finally, Tedcrag was instructed to write a letter to his allies, informing them to cease all activities against the empire. Tedcrag begrudgingly did so, but only after receiving Prahringerr’s word that he would not pursue vengeance on them. He sent a letter to Rakavist explaining the situation, urging all forces to return home, asking him to inform Gralak’s allies of his passing, and finally apologizing to Rakavist for failing him, ending with some personal final words in case these were to be the last words he heard from him.

But besides that, the interim was just waiting in prison for dear old Tedcrag and Gulliman, as the blonde god carefully crafted Season 5, which was surely the final season. At one point, there was also a 3-part anime recap episode covering the events of Seasons 1-4 and demonstrating the LBG’s abysmal map awareness, but when much more time had passed, Season 5 was finally ready to begin proper.

**[SEASON 5 START]**

Three days after their initial imprisonment, Tedcrag learned what exactly Prahringerr had in store for him. He would not execute him or Gulliman; instead, he’d send them to go to the VI in the volcano that Tedcrag had mentioned. However, he wouldn’t just be setting them free. They would be escorted under an armed guard. Furthermore, the two had to swear an unbreakable oath to never betray him; the consequence for this was death. Looks like Prahringerr had been reading some Harry Potter in his spare time.

“And *that* is what our years of friendship has bought you,” Prahringerr finished explaining things to Tedcrag. Tedcrag did not even deign to respond.

Prahringerr turned to leave, but hesitated for a moment. Still facing the exit, he asked Tedcrag: “Do you *truly* have nothing to say for yourself?”

“Nothing that would get through,” Tedcrag said flatly. The dragon in front of him who had once been his lifelong friend was now a stranger, and their two worldviews could no longer coexist. Prahringerr scoffed and left without another word.

Tedcrag was then given the opportunity to explain the situation to Gulliman. The two agreed to swear the unbreakable oath, recognizing it was do that or be executed. The wording of the oath was long, and essentially boiled down to not betraying Hydraco. It was thorough to make sure they couldn’t do anything bad, not even badmouthing the emperor. *Although*, there was one tricky sentence with multiple negatives in it that could possibly be used as a loophole to betray him, but there was no way in hell the DM would allow that to fly, so they both were essentially loyal servants of Hydraco now.

After swearing their oath, all of their items were returned (save for Rakavist’s ancestral sword which was confiscated, one final “fuck you” from Prahringerr), and the two were taken away in a carriage to meet their future guards/escorts/captors. After some time, they emerged from the carriage and saw three people standing there.

There were two Hydraconians and a tiefling. The Hydraconian on the left was a large, 6’6” bronze dragon named Nindrith, who gave off big daddy vibes. The Hydraconian on the right was an elder dragon, 6’4”, with wrinkles, a beard, and cracked red skin, but he still looked well-built for his age. Finally, in the middle was a 5’5” tiefling with dark purple skin and some splotches of yellow, with long curved horns and a tail. That’s right, Spyro the Dragon had entered the campaign.

But for real, this tiefling seemed pretty capable and like he could handle himself in a fight. Considering tieflings were viewed as a very much lesser species, a slave species no less, Tedcrag was very surprised to see that one was tasked with this very important mission, and in fact seemed to be superior to the two dragons. “And who are you?” Gulliman asked.

“You can call me Captain Draphelia,” the tiefling replied. “Mazora Draphelia.”

And so, three dragons, a dwarf, and a tiefling boarded the ship and set off. Tedcrag and Gulliman, traitors to the empire that they were, were held in prison cells. Mazora consulted with the two dragons, before deciding he would speak to the prisoners one-on-one to try to learn things from them. The first person he had speak to him was Tedcrag.

Mazora did his best to get information about Tedcrag, but Tedcrag was pretty tight-lipped. He recognized the importance of their mission, however, and told Mazora what he knew about the VI in the volcano from Gralak. Once again, he left out Esir, still hoping to protect him from Prahringerr. When Mazora asked him what he had done to become a traitor, Tedcrag was surprised he didn't know. Tedcrag didn’t want to get into it, merely citing “ideological differences” between Prahringerr and himself that came to a head. Mazora recognized he wasn’t getting anywhere with this, and sent him back and talked with Gulliman instead.

Gulliman was quite a bit more candid, mentioning Esir almost immediately, at which Mazora realized Tedcrag hadn’t been entirely truthful with him. Gulliman explained in more detail their previous quest to defeat the lich, the northern river to the twin cities, and that their goal would allow them to pilot flying machines to defeat the extraterrestrials. Finally, he told them about the ET’s immense strength, enough to wipe out cities in the blink of an eye. Oh, and Gulliman mentioned poker, perhaps feeling nostalgic about an old friend, which intrigued Mazora greatly. Sadly, there were no cards on the ship.

After consulting with the dragons once again, Mazora and the others decided they’d continue heading for Orsus/New Loreth, then book passage from there. Not long later, Mazora invited the prisoners to dinner to speak with them, this time with the other dragons present. A few more things were discussed, and Gulliman repeated that the best course of action was to head down the river to the north. But except for Mazora, they were not about to be trusting of the words of traitors.

Before they left, Tedcrag tried to warn them about the College of Zanko. Nindrith and Kelery weren’t having it, leaving while Tedcrag was mid-sentence, but Mazora decided to hear him out. Tedcrag told him about the nationwide conspiracy, and Mazora at first reacted with skepticism and a touch of condescension. Frustrated at this tiefling treating him this way about something so important, Tedcrag began talking down to Mazora, trying to explain how Zanko was manipulating the continent’s leaders and to illustrate the importance of it. But Mazora was too busy being offended by Tedcrag talking down to him. After a heated back-and-forth, Gulliman calmed things down between the two of them. Tedcrag apologized (recognizing that unlike the other two, Mazora had at least bothered to hear him out), but he still stressed that Zanko was not to be trusted.

After some more time at sea, the five of them were dropped off at the shore and they rode on horseback to the city, only to find that it was now in ruins.

“Well... shit.”

## Episode LXXVII: An Old Friend

Taking a look at the devastation, the LB (minus G) realized that the only people capable of this sort of damage were the ETs. But the city wasn’t completely abandoned, in fact they saw some civilians being chased by four bandits. Feeling a tad heroic, Mazora realized he needed to fight them in the name of justice or something. He unbinded the prisoners, much to the horror of the two dragons, and they all rushed to fight the bandits.

The bandits were a walk in the park, clearly never having seen combat before. In fact, it was almost as if you could hear soothing music in the background, that's how easy it was. Nindrith sliced one’s stomach off, Tedcrag cut one’s hand off, Gulliman hit one with a crossbow and then Mazora decapitated one, sheathing his sword right after in one clean motion like an anime character. There was only one still standing at this point; feeling merciful, Tedcrag barked at him to leave and never return, and the bandit ran away as fast as he could.

There was still the matter of the handless one bleeding out on the ground. Mazora tried to interrogate him, but the man was so gripped by pain and fear that he couldn’t answer any questions. Gulliman healed him, closing the wound and replacing it with a stump. Mazora slapped him and got some answers from him, but it was clear that the bandit, a 16-year-old boy, knew nothing. The boy begged for his life, and Mazora let him go, but not before making him swear to never rob or hurt again.

With the bandit matter settled, the group now needed to figure out where the fuck to go. They couldn’t buy a ship, but Gulliman mentioned that the estate of Orillio, his mentor, was conveniently 1 km away. As expected, the two dragons weren’t trusting the idea of a traitor. The two of them *really* didn’t seem to understand how unbreakable oaths worked, despite Mazora reminding them about it multiple times.

After reminding them about the unbreakable oath again, Mazora also tried to explain that, all things considered, in his own judgment, Tedcrag and Gulliman seemed to be “decent people.”

This was too much for Kelery. “*They betrayed the empire!*” he spouted. True, it was pretty much as if he had told a devout disciple of Jesus that Judas was “a decent guy.” Mazora tried to dig himself out of that hole, but Kelery stormed off, and Nindrith just told him that he needed to figure out where his loyalties lie. Regardless, they begrudgingly went along with Gulliman’s idea and headed for Orillio’s estate.

They arrived at the estate, seeing smoke coming from the chimney. Someone was living here! Only now did Gulliman bother to mention that Orillio was dead, which was an immediate red flag for the dragons. “Could this be a trap?” they wondered, yet again forgetting about the unbreakable oath.

Still, Gulliman’s fishy behavior warranted some understandable caution. Even Mazora was wary. The trio huddled and decided that Gulliman best head there alone, and Kelery would have a bow and arrow ready and aimed in case anything happened.

Gulliman went up and knocked, and the door opened to a familiar face. Gulliman quickly recognized him as none other than Mel, the merchant whose daughter they’d saved from bandits way back in Episode 1.

“Hello?” Mel asked before he could process who the person at his door was.

“I believe we saved your daughter,” Gulliman said.

Taken aback, Mel quickly analyzed and recognized one of his daughter’s three saviors. “Oh, yes! Thank you so much. Now what brings you h---”

“Orsus was decimated,” Gulliman said, skipping several beats.

“What?” Mel was shocked, mostly at the appalling news but also at the pace at which this conversation was progressing. “That’s terrible, I-- I don’t know what to sa--”

“My friends here would like to speak with you,” Gulliman continued speedrunning this conversation, pointing back at the other four standing outside. Mel looked and saw three intimidating-looking Hydraconians and a tiefling, one of the dragons with an arrow drawn and pointed right at him.

“What is this about?” Mel asked nervously. “Let’s-- let’s talk outside. Give me one second.”

Mel closed the door, at which Mazora started freaking out for some reason. "Why did he close the door?" he repeated *over and over*. He went up to the house and started sneaking around it, peering through the windows. But Mel soon came out and everyone then walked up to speak with him. At this point, Mel recognized Tedcrag as well. Thankfully, he didn’t ask where the third savior of his daughter had gone.

The conversation cut to the chase pretty quickly. The group explained that they needed a ship, or at least resources and knowledge of where to find one, but didn’t specify where they were headed. When Mel asked what their business was, Tedcrag danced around the subject, simply saying that they were trying to help out the continent and protect the common folk. Not exactly untrue, but with several lies of omission, for Mel’s own good. Mel told them that the hobbits down south probably had a ship, and he gave them some basic resources to help them.

At one point, Mel mentioned how he didn’t like certain people from Orsus / New Loreth anyway, what with them being slavers and all. Lastly, there was some shocking news revealed during this conversation. When the subject of the previous owner Orillio came up, Mel mentioned something surprising -- Orillio was there recently, mere months ago! Though they were careful not to give it away to the others, the LB were visibly shocked. Orillio had survived the nuke! They had no idea how, but that was amazing news, especially for Gulliman!

But they had to be on their way, and parted amicably with Mel. Not wanting to deal with filthy hobbitses, someone suggested they head back to Orsus first. Perhaps there were still salvageable ships there. They all agreed and headed back there. After scaling the walls, they could see bodies lining the streets. They made their way through and eventually found a partly damaged ship. Nindrith said he could repair it and told everyone else to stand guard.

While standing guard, they saw a strange man walk out from the darkness. This man was clearly a mage, but he wasn’t in the black Zanko robe. Still extremely cautious of mages, Tedcrag and Gulliman were visibly nervous, and Mazora also did not want anything to do with him. But the mage kept approaching them, continually offering to help them and urging them not to be afraid. Things escalated to the point where Kelery pulled out his bow again and aimed an arrow at him [it seems like he does that quite often], and Mazora ordered him to leave them alone or else his friend would release the arrow. This finally convinced the mage to stand down, and he backed off and slunk back into the shadows.

Quite relieved, the four continued standing guard, and the ship finished repairs without further incident. They wasted no time sailing away; earlier they had discussed that they would sail south to the port town of Malvo [where our heroes had last been in Season 1, fighting a bunch of pirates, including Nesi]. After reaching Malvo, they would book passage north before finally reaching the volcano.

Along the way, while passing Maldir, they were hailed by a ship from there. Given the situation, everyone else would hide as Gulliman did all the talking posing as a barley trader.

Gulliman smiled as their ship was boarded. He had his whole cover story planned out, and he knew exactly what to say for every possible question they could ask him. He confidently stood there, smiling and nodding as the dwarf simply asked him what his name was.

“My name is Gralak.”

Time stood still for a moment as Gulliman processed what he had just said. He immediately backpedaled and gave his actual cover name. “Sir, do you not know your own name?” the dwarf looked concerned and slightly suspicious.

Somehow, Gulliman managed to salvage the situation, writing off the name slip-up as just a random gaffe. Buying his cover story, they let him go without incident. Gulliman breathed a sigh of relief and they went on their way.

They eventually arrived at Malvo, which seemed to be fully reconstructed after, you know, the LBG burned it down. It wasn’t occupied by pirates, either, but actual peaceful citizens. The group needed to pay the dockworkers to keep the ship there. They did so in an amusing conversation, as the dockworkers had funny accents and one kept yelling “hey!” to the other. Their business eventually concluded, and our dwarf, tiefling, and three dragon crew was ready to head north to reach the volcano near Gamallius. Tedcrag drew a shitty route on the map that would take them there, and they prepared to set out...

## Episode LXXVIII: Real Preachers and False Shepherds

While still in Malvo, Mazora took the opportunity to ask the LB if they knew anything else about the volcano, but they admitted that Gralak hadn’t told them every single detail. The five rode through the grasslands. “There’s so much grass here,” Kelery said, in awe.

“I didn’t know there was this much green in the entire world,” Mazory Sue said in response, at which Kelery, Nindrith, and the entire universe all gave him a disappointed glare. Mazora shrugged it off and they continued on their way. Eventually, they found a small settlement of humans and dwarves. The dwarves saw the rather strange party approach and quickly questioned them, and Mazora claimed that they were explorers. When asked about the two bound prisoners, one of them being another dwarf, Mazora claimed that they were outlaws that they were going to turn in for a bounty. The dwarf asked Gulliman in dwarvish if he needed any help, and Gulliman decided not to complicate things, simply saying he was looking to make a deal with the people who posted the bounty.

Mazora asked the dwarf if he knew about any volcanoes in the area, and he did not. However, he did point them in the direction of the local fisherman named James. Mazora went up and asked him about it. He said that while he hadn’t seen it himself, he had heard of it, that it was a great volcano on an island in the middle of a large lake. Looking at their map, they spotted something matching that description. Mazora thanked James for the trouble, offering him 10 gold as thanks.

James was absolutely stunned. *10* gold? For answering a simple question? He was *rich*! What a blessing! He thanked Mazora profusely and rushed off with a spring in his step, to tell his wife that they could now move into the big city.

The group formed another huddle. They had the probable location of the volcano, but they still needed to find a mage to get them inside. Gulliman said Esir would be helping the human resistance in the twin cities, but Tedcrag was skeptical. Multiple months had passed since then, and from what they’d heard it seemed like the elves had all but conquered the entire area. Honestly, Esir might be back chilling with Dorvoth or in space fighting extraterrestrials for all they knew.

The other option was a local mage, but it wasn’t like one was just going to fall into their laps. They decided they’d cross that bridge later; first things first, the volcano. It was at this point that Kelery decided Tedcrag and Gulliman had proven themselves somewhat reliable and finally earned the right to be unbound physically, though they were still very much bound by the unbreakable oath, of course.

The group reached a large river, where they then bought a barge and sailed until they reached Draven. There, they found some dwarves and humans, who interestingly seemed to be dressed in the exact same viking-esque uniform. One of the dwarves there questioned him, and this time the “explorers” cover story wasn’t cutting it. The volcano was inside a war zone, and how could this dwarf know that our group wasn’t a bunch of elven spies? Thankfully, Gulliman managed to convince him with a bit of friendly dwarf-to-dwarf communication.

Not long later, they went by some preachers who had large congregations listening intently to their every word, about a “new savior.” Gulliman being Gulliman, he waltzed up to one of them and asked: “Can you tell me more about this god of yours?”

The preacher was elated beyond words. He began weaving an intricate tale to Gulliman and his impressed onlookers. As he explained it, his God was the same as she had been before, but she had now revealed herself to be pure. She wanted the other races to be embraced, not punished. The sole exception were the dastardly elves, who she shall drive back to the forests from whence they came. She had come to the prophet Belgarano herself in the ancient city of Lothatore, and Belgarano and an army of men had seen her powers firsthand...

Gulliman interrupted the priest’s epic tale, asking if there was any mage in this story of his, one that they could possibly find nearby and would be available to help them. The confused preacher said there was no such mage, and continued on with his tale. At this point, Gulliman bowed out and reunited with the other four, who gave him confused looks before the group carried on, leaving the preacher to his preaching. *If that had actually worked*, Tedcrag thought to himself, *I would have killed Gulliman and then myself right then and there*.

As planned, the group decided to head for the volcano. Once they'd confirmed its location, then they could head for the human territories to find a mage. They rode for multiple days through vast plains, until one evening they were spotted by an elven patrol. The patrol ordered them to stop, and so they did. The elves were immediately suspicious of our mixed-race band of travelers, and they asked Mazora who they were.

Mazora could tell that "explorers" definitely weren't going to cut it. “We’re bounty hunters, you see, looking for an ashen-haired man with a scar on his face, traveling with two companions.” Even though Mazora had never once met Gralak, he coincidentally ended up describing exactly him. Or perhaps he was inspired by the play *The Wizarder* he had seen once as a child tiefling.

Impressed, the elves seemed to buy it, and they sheathed their weapons and let our heroes go on their way. They continued onward towards the forest. While on horseback, the horse that was carrying Mazora and Tedcrag seemed to get lost and separated from the others. They cut through the forest, trying to find them, for what felt like hours. Over time, the horse vanished, and then Mazora and Tedcrag both changed species, name, and attire, and were thrust into the middle of a war…

**Histoire 3 Chapitre 1: Je Suis L'espion**

Beecher et Jack traversaient la jungle. Tout de suite, les arbres ont commencé à parler vietnamien, et ils ont instinctivement su que les coups de feu allaient commencer. Tout le monde se baissa, sauf Jack, qui se leva et claqua des doigts comme un imbécile. Jack a été abattu et a commencé à saigner; Beecher a riposté. Le sergent James a autorisé une frappe aérienne. Les alliés et les ennemis sont morts en masse, jusqu'à ce que le napalm pleuve du ciel et les tue tous les deux.

Beecher et Jack se sont réveillés d'un rêve partagé. Ils étaient là, Jack le pénis géant et Beecher, qui était maintenant Bernie Sanders. Jack a embrassé Bernie, qui l'a appelé dans le top 1% des bites. Bernie a expliqué qu'il devait amener quelqu'un la fille et effacer la dette nationale. Jack, euh, les a téléportés en Colombie, où vivent les 1%.

Ils ont dû attendre le défilé. Jack s'impatienta et tua un homme, et dut combattre une foule. Quelqu'un a remarqué "AD" marqué sur l'arbre, faisant de lui le faux berger. Ils se sont échappés, puis ont trouvé un télégramme. "Télégramme pour vous, M. Sanders!" dit le garçon d'une voix agaçante. Bernie a expliqué que c'était un exemple de la façon dont il mobilisait les jeunes.

Ils se sont, euh, téléportés à Monument Island et ont escaladé la tour. À l'intérieur, ils ont trouvé Elizabeth, terrifiée par Jack, la bite géante, lui jetant des livres et appelant le Songbird à l'aide. Bernie semblait penser qu'elle était Elizabeth Warren, demandant son approbation. Au lieu de cela, il lui a donné une clé qu'ils pourraient utiliser pour sortir de là. À suivre...

**Fin**

Reaching the end of the forest and the edge of the lake, they found an abandoned settlement. Detective Tedcrag noticed faint footprints of a family leaving town some time ago, as well as a rowboat. This was convenient, as the alternative was for chad Nindrith to build them a boat with his bare hands, which would have been dope but would have taken much longer. They took the rowboat and rowed to the volcano.

They reached the volcano at last, but as you'd expect, there was an enormous pool of lava blocking their path. At Tedcrag’s suggestion, Gulliman tried communicating with the VI via his trinket. Curiously, he took the approach of saying he was a friend of Gralak, trying to reason with the VI and appeal to its sense of justice, if it even was capable of having such a thing. There was no response, as the VI probably couldn’t hear him, but if it had been able to, it would have been very interesting to see how it would have responded.

Our heroes could see the volcano, but they still needed a mage, so they were kind of stuck…... or were they? Kelery reached into his bag of belongings and pulled out a heat-resistant suit, explaining that Prahringerr had given him a few of them. They decided to test the suit out by dipping it into the lava. They did so, and it seemed to hold up in the extreme temperature. However, they unfortunately only had three suits, so two people would have to wait outside...

...that is, until Kelery checked his bag one more time. Miraculously, there were two more suits he hadn’t noticed before! What’s more, one of them was dwarf-sized! Tedcrag and Gulliman nostalgically recalled that moment in the Pentagon when three labcoats had more or less materialized in front of them. “Let’s suit up,” Nindrith said in a badass manner.

And so our heroes suited themselves up and were ready to traverse the volcano. Tedcrag and Gulliman knew that Gralak and Esir had been here before, and now they were about to follow in their footsteps and learn these secrets as well. The LB faintly recalled that Gralak mentioned he had fought inside the volcano, so they made sure they had their weapons ready.

Looking over to the side, they saw that their captors/companions had weapons of their own, and impressive ones at that. Kelery pulled out a machine gun, and Nindrith revved up a massive gatling gun, spinning the barrel like some kind of heavy weapons guy. Finally, Mazora pulled out a pair of twin pistols. Suited up and armed to the teeth, our five suited gentlemen prepared to descend into the volcano...

## Episode LXXIX: Diving Dwarf 2: Volcanic Boogaloo

And so our heroes were about to descend into the volcano. After suiting up, they saw that these suits had special visors that displayed important information in front of them, including a compass, the time of day, a “targeting mode”, an ammo counter, shield and fuel gauges, outside temperature, and more. Since they were about to literally submerge themselves in lava, our group carefully considered their next move, as the slightest misstep could mean certain death.

“*Alley oop!*” Gulliman said without delay, promptly swan diving into the lava. His suit naturally started freaking out, alarms inside blaring and jets auto-activating. “Override!” Gulliman said foolishly, and the jets deactivated. Thankfully, he also said “Return to default!” before things got too bad, but Gulliman had effectively faceplanted into lava and had almost just set the record for fastest death in any episode.

The other four just stood there in stunned amazement and horror. “*Gullimaaaan!*” Tedcrag bellowed, worried he’d just lost another member of the LBG so soon after Gralak. But suddenly they could all hear Gulliman’s voice inside their heads. Indeed, the suits had a built-in Discord server and they could all communicate with each other via voice chat, something which took Mazora, Kelery, and Nindrith a minute to come to terms with.

The other four jumped in the lava, much more gracefully than their dwarf companion. Their jets all auto-activated in stunning form and they descended inside effortlessly and painlessly. Because the heat was so intense, they only had 15 minutes to finish their business in here. Thankfully, their goal was clear -- a central structure in the middle with a door, surrounded by strange pillar-like objects.

They descended deeper and deeper into the volcano, falling about 50 feet further down. As soon as Gulliman, the first to land, stepped foot on the bottom, the pillars started lighting up and rapidly approaching him. Loud Aztec dubstep music could be heard as combat began.

So anyway, Kelery started blasting. He fired his machine gun and killed one of the pillar men, which at this point were close enough to be recognized as the all-too-familiar automatons. One of his shots almost hit Gulliman, and he had to dodge out of the way. Similarly, Mazora fired twin pistols and missed most of the shots, including one of them that nearly hit Kelery, but one stray bullet managed to kill an automaton. Nindrith’s gatling gun, meanwhile, was going to town, killing multiple automatons as audible thuds could be repeatedly heard through the water.

The automatons were clearly not used to working in such conditions, as one of them accidentally team-killed another automaton. Seizing the opportunity, Mazora fired four twin pistol shots and missed all four, one of them very nearly hitting Gulliman in the head. Somewhere on a distant island in Hydraco, in the ground on a small cliff overlooking a river, a decaying human’s body was rolling in its grave. Though the two had never met, perhaps Gralak and Mazora had some things in common…

Lacking guns, Gulliman and Tedcrag couldn’t do much to fight back, instead taking cover behind some rocks. But at this point, there were only a few automatons left. One of them managed to hit Mazora square in the chest, but the whopping 200 HP of the suits absorbed all of the damage for him. Mazora went back to whiffing shots with his twin pistols until Nindrith and Kelery eventually finished them all off. There were still some inactive automatons on the opposite side, but they didn’t activate, even as the group approached the door to the central structure.

“Open!" Tedcrag barked at the door, but nothing happened. Gulliman simply walked up to the door and touched it, and it opened. They entered, and went through an airlock where the lava was filtered out, entering a small room with a familiar VI platform in the center of the room.

“...Sherry?” Gulliman asked, remembering the name Gralak had told him.

“*WHO SEEKS TO DISTURB MY SLUMBER?*” an ominous voice boomed. Wasting not a single beat, Gulliman began his tried-and-true formula of attempting to speak to the VI as if it were a human being, explaining that he is Gralak’s close friend and appealing that they needed to know the information it gave him for the good of all life on Venus. Just as it had for Gralak before, the VI took the physical forms of people Gulliman knew very well: first his mother, then a goblin, then Dorvoth.

“*I SENT GRALAK AWAY WITH THIS SECRET KNOWLEDGE,*” Sherry continued booming. “*AND HE JUST GAVE IT TO YOU?*”

Gulliman explained that he and Tedcrag were Gralak’s closest companions who all shared a goal. Sherry then revealed a bit of its xenophobic nature, saying it does not trust a dwarf, a tiefling, and three dragons, doling out a laundry list of negative stereotypes about each race. Sherry and Gulliman continued this back and forth for a bit, until Sherry said something interesting.

“*I WILL TELL YOU NOTHING… UNTIL YOU CAN FIRST PASS A TEST.*” Game show music could softly be heard playing on the speaker, as logic riddles were beamed into the minds of our heroes. Peculiarly, Kelery and Nindrith received separate riddles from that of Mazora, Tedcrag, and Gulliman. Everyone managed to solve all of the riddles, though Nindrith and Kelery were much quicker than the other three.

There was only one incorrect answer in the entire ordeal. “WhEeLbArRoW HaNdLe?” Mazora asked. A wheelbarrow handle. A *fucking* wheelbarrow handle. What the fuck. Well, anyway, Sherry simply replied with a buzzer sound to that obviously incorrect response and a very foreboding “*ONE…*”

The LB + Mazora were very careful not to make any more mistakes from then on. Eventually, all the riddles were solved, and for this reason the group were allowed to access top-secret UN information (I guess cryptic logic puzzles were the Venusian equivalent of CAPTCHA, idk). Well... Sherry wasn't entirely ready to open up yet. The VI still didn’t trust them just yet. They all began appealing to Sherry, saying how they needed access to this technology to defeat the extraterrestrials.

Sherry’s biggest concern was that, just like “Gralak the fool” [Sherry’s words, not mine] who got himself killed like a dummy, they would all go ahead spreading this information to whoever they pleased. She even mentioned Esir had been here recently, having Sherry teach some mage friend of his as well. Nindrith, Mazora, and Gulliman all made some great points, but what sealed the deal was Tedcrag suggesting to place them all under unbreakable oaths not to recklessly share the information, just like his and Gulliman's own unbreakable oath with Hydraco.

After the oaths were sworn, Sherry began giving them large infodumps. She immediately put them all into the flight simulator, which was quite the culture shock for everyone except Tedcrag and Gulliman, who hadn’t experienced anything close to modern civilization before. She gave Kelery, Nindrith, and Gulliman major brain-blasts of information about various topics such as mathematics and science, but warned that the more information she gave, the less they’d be able to retain.

It was now big brain Q&A time. Tedcrag asked, just to make sure, how many days they had left before the ETs returned: 95 days. The nearest ship they could use? Maldir, the same one they’d found in the ravine. Esir’s whereabouts? Presumably also in Maldir! They were then given a view of a map of the known world, as well as certain images of extraterrestrials’ ships, which were enormous and terrifying. Gulliman made haha funny Mass Effect and Star Wars references even though his character had no knowledge of such things. Lastly, Mazora anxiously asked for Sherry’s honest opinion, if they had any chance against such powerful foes.

“Do you want the honest truth, or do you want the answer that makes you feel good?”

That was a clear enough answer for Mazora, and the group prepared to depart. Sherry summoned some probes that would lift them out of the volcano, and they did just that. As soon as they were back on dry land, Kelery and Nindrith scrambled out of their suits, pulled out some pen and paper and began hastily scribbling down notes so they would not forget the information they’d been given.

Gulliman also began writing, borrowing a few pieces of paper from them. Gulliman was clearly intent on using this knowledge to advance his civilization multiple generations. He was clearly aiming for a science victory… that is, assuming the automatic “timed victory” for the extraterrestrials would be disabled.

While the three were writing, Tedcrag spotted a faint smoke trail up in the sky. He pointed this out to the others, and Gulliman used his visor to zoom in on it. The visor read it as an “unknown object”, but they could tell that the ship was of UN origin, not ET. Perhaps it was Esir, or maybe other Hydraconians?

Their next destination was clear: Maldir, to find Esir (if he was still there) and that ship so they could finally get to the monitoring station up in space. After everything that had happened since their last visit there, it was going to be quite awkward for Tedcrag and Gulliman to return, especially with their Hydraconian accompaniment, but they had little choice.

Nindrith decided that he had best bring this information back to Hydraco. Although the others reminded him of how little time they had left (just him sailing back to Hydraco alone would probably take over half of the remaining time limit), Nindrith insisted on going through with it anyway. The absolute chad bid farewell with the the others, and the party was now down to four: Tedcrag, Gulliman, Mazora, and Kelery.

And so, having conquered the volcano and learned Sherry’s secrets, our party began preparing to head back to the dwarven kingdom for the fourth time in the campaign. This time, they weren’t just there for a goblin sample, or for a magic rod, or for allies against Prahringerr, they were there for a ship to go to space, and to finally stop those extraterrestrials once and for all!