Let's Do A Sad!

Spoiler warning!*This page contains significant spoilers for large events in the CBW series. If you haven't watched the series yet, turn back now.*

## Let's Do A Sad!

### Cast

Tom Burgess • Laurie Blake • Rosie Nicholls • Oli Davis • Luke Owen • Lolo Brow • Sullivan Beau Brown

### Roster

The Denimatrix • Mable Syrup • Golden Joe • Silver Bro • Tony the Milkman • Jurgen Flopp • Fred the Postman • Albert Hall

### Other people

Detective Hank 'The Hammer' Hankamer • QC

### Series

City British Wrestling series 2

**Let's Do A Sad!** is the second episode of the second series of City British Wrestling.

## Official synopsis

*After the tragic conclusion to Episode 1 of CBW's return, the roster comes to terms with WHAT JUST HAPPENED...*

## Plot

This episode of Friday Night Lightning was held in the city of York.

### Kid's funeral

The ring, as well as every audience member, were dressed in respectful funerial black garb. The Wrestletron was black also. After an introduction, Kid Flippz's body was carried in a coffin shaped as a skateboard by six mallbearers in a slow procession around outside the ring and followed by a procession of every City British Wrestling member. The mallbearers laid the coffin down in the center of the ring.

The Denimatrix had to pay her respects first as City British Champion; after some whispering, she spoke about how Kid was the only wrestler she felt she could have lost her title to. She placed one of her stiletto horn heels onto the coffin, and said "rest well, you flipping flipster." Mable Syrup said she had never met Kid, but could tell he was a great guy and thought of him as a Kid. Golden Joe claimed Kid was his best friend, and said that Kid told him before he passed that he wanted Joe to be the next City British Champion. He put one of his signed 8x10s on the coffin. Silver Bro said Kid's death made him think about his own family, and said he might try to do a flip depite his weight and height to pay his respects, "for the good guys." Tony the Milkman said Kid was the future of the business, that he worked every day until the cows came home, and that when the cows came hom he flipped them. He said being Kid's father was the best title he ever won, and placed Kid's broken skateboard on the coffin. He turned to Jurgen Flopp, and said that he had awoken a buttery biscuit bastard in him, and that the streets would run with milk when Tony got his hands on him. He walked up the ramp, turned to lock eyes with Jurgen, and began to leave. However, Fred the Postman stopped him and said they needed to talk.

### Golden Joe goes back home

At Golden Joe's childhood home in Little Glittering, he sat cross-legged, binge-watching *Dog Walkers in Space* in the garden, which he considered a return to form for the franchise. There was a rusted and torn trampoline, the apple tree had stopped bearing fruit, and the grass was overgrown. Silver Bro stepped through the garden gate. They talked about Titanium Tina. Joe was annoyed that he had been replaced in Bro's entrance video and suggested that Tina would tag with Bro instead of him, despite her being only two years old. Joe said he may be coming back to *The Dog Walker* for the eighth installment of the franchise. Joe implied that he wouldn't come to meet Tina if Platinum Pete was there, and that he was focused on the City British Championship rather than being Tag Team Champion with Bro. He did toy with the idea of the brothers getting back together, though only so the fans would cheer for him. He asked Bro to choose either him or Tina for his entrance graphic, saying that Tina had five years at least before she wrestled. Bro asked Joe to think about the family and left. Joe believed the conversation had gone great.

### Fred the Postman trains Tony

In the gym from last week, Tony and Fred squared off in their wrestling trunks. Fred told Tony to "show me what you got," and Tony went for a lock-up, but the Postman moved to the side and hit him gently in the chest. Tony told him to "fucking hit me!" and so Fred pounded him in the chest with an open palm, in an attempt to prove that he couldn't wrestle. Fred hit him again and then tried to help him up, but Tony refused the help. Tony said he was going to kill Jurgen. He got up but was hit, and Fred said he would get himself killed if he did so. Tony wondered if that was what he wanted, as he saw himself useless and wanted a small chance at justice for Kid. Fred knocked him down, saying that Tony was like a brother to him and that Kid meant a lot to the old guard of CBW. Tony said he was an udder failure as a father, and that Flippz was the one that did all the work. Fred told him to "let the boys take care of this, Tony. The old guard protects its own." Fred gave him a final push onto the mat, agitating an old injury from the Tussle, and told him to live his life.

### Jurgen's interrogation

In a small room backstage with a steel table bolted into the floor with a steel chair and a double-sided mirror, Jurgen sat calmly in the chair. A weatherbeaten-looking Detective Hank 'The Hammer' Hankamer stepped into the room in his subtle trilby and took a big drag from a cigarette. While Jurgen feigned ignorance about his involvement of Kid. He said he saw it happen and that it was "a shame to see him go." He said he showed grief in a different way, but Hank accused him of not showing grief at all, having become enured to death.

Under questioning, Jurgen said he saw Kid do a flip and saw something crush him, though he claimed to not know what, causing Hank to wince. Jurgen assumed it was a lantern, and Hank doubted that it would have fallen as lamps are generally bolted on tightly. Jurgen said he was not a lighting technician and knew nothing about fixing things to rigs, but Hank said he had been seen holding a spanner. Jurgen claimed it was an old German tradition in which they juggled spanners, and that he kept one up his sleeve in case he wanted to get dirty in the ring.

Flopp said he had a long history with Tony. They were both in the milk business as he was the CEO of the MooCoo Corporation, the biggest dairy corporation in central Europe, and was thus very powerful. Hank said he was disgusted that Jurgen thought his money and influence would let him do whatever he wanted. He told Jurgen to get out of his office, but that he'd be seeing him soon.

### "Be A Champion" program

Back in the ring, there were two podiums behind which QC stood, with excited children in the audience for CBW's "Be a Champion" program. Each child had written an essay describing what they thought a champion was, and were able to ask The Denimatrix and Mable Syrup questions.

Denim had a relatively child-friendly entrance. She had her sewing machine with her without its gimp regalia but instead a unicorn horn and bushy tail. She threw zippers to the children who had goggles on so as not to get them in their eyes. She bowed and waved awkwardly. Mable walked down with hundreds of dogs, horses, chipmunks and beavers, and told the kids to catch the beavers for points. She high fived them as Stable Stirrup sat like a dog and Sargeant Beaver Bark stood like a horse.

QC gave both champions a chance to tell the audience what they thought made a champion. Denim said a champion was built from honour, respect, and hustle. She said "a champion fights for what they believe, even if they're told they're wrong by management." Mable talked about the six pillars of wrestling, also known as the six pillars of mounty truth, which were truth, loyalty, respect, canoeing, horse riding and helping the elderly cross the street.

One kid told Denim about a girl at school who was picking on them and pushing them around. Their parents had said that violence is never the answer, and they wanted to know what Denim thought they should do. Denim told them to turn the other cheek and sit on them, and that they only needed to beat up one person before their reputation would protect them. She offered to walk them to school. Mable said the child should give the bully the justice they deserved; nothing. She reccomended that they stand up for themselves in a non-violent, legal way, and make the bully cake like the one she had given Denim in the dressing room.

A deep-voiced kid who had big bones spoke up about how Denim was the best wrestler on the roster because she took what she wanted and didn't care who got hurt wen she did it. Denim said it wasn't a question, so the kid said how they wanted the leading part in the school play but another kid wanted it too, and asked what they should do to them so they got the part instead. Denim told them to do their own thing, so the kid decided to bite their competitor's toes instead of their nose. Mable interjected that they should not use violence, and instead practice really hard and give them some cake. Denim said she actually started off biting toes. Mable reccomended that they volunteer in the town, then gave them some maple syrup, causing them to go hyper.

In her parting words, Denim said to "listen to your teachers unless you think they're wrong." Mable said "don't make up your own laws, abide by the real laws." By this time, there was syrup-fuelled chaos. QC and his paralegals took some time to clear the venue.

### Jurgen Flopp vs Albert Hall

Jurgen came out, holding his spanner aloft. He walked cooly to the ring and awaited applause, but hardly any came. Albert Hall, on the other hand, was accompanied by a whole orchestra pit. He took in the music and marched into the ring to rupturous applause.

On the bell, Albert called him Klaus. Jurgen tried to whack him in the throat but he didn't even flinch, and so he tried a big clothesline but bounced off Albert, who pulled him into an Orchestra Pit move. Jurgen used the momentum, however, to pull Albert down face first. He put him in a crossface and decided to bite the back of his head, making indents on his skull. As Albert became weaker, Jurgen laughed and told him to tap out. Albert refused so Jurgen tried to bring his wrench out, but the referee caught him. Albert prepared to take what Jurgen had, which was a dropkick; Albert used this to grab Jurgen's leg and powerbomb him. He prepared for his Final Curtain finisher as Jurgen smashed Albert in the head with the wrench. Albert fell unconscious on top of Jurgen, effectively pinning him to the mat, and the referee had also seen Jurgen's wrench attack. So, Jurgen heaved himself from under the huge wrestler and hit the ref with a low wrench blow. He dragged the ref over and tried to flip Albert over, but it was no use. The referee got to his knee and was about to end the match, so Jurgen applied his Rinderverstümmelung finishing submission move to Albert, breaking his arms and winning the match upon Albert's disqualification.

As the crowd chanted "Bertie!", Jurgen addressed Tony and said he would keep doing this, that he didn't care, and that he would get himself disqualified "by destroying every single one of your stupid little friends." Fight Nurse came upstage with a one-handed stretcher and struggled to get Albert onto it.

### The Precious Metals vs The Transatlantic Champions

The winners of this match would claim the CBW Tag Team Champion title. The Precious Metals entered first, initially to chants of "Tina," then a forced "Joe" chant. Joe walked out with the tag belt and dedicated the match to Kid. He claimed that he convinced his brother to re-team with him in Kid's memory, despite saying that Bro had ruined it. Bro walked out with his own tag belt, and a picture of himself and Tina appeared on the Wrestletron, then Golden Joe appeared too. The two shook hands. The Denimatrix and Mable Syrup rode out on their horses as the newly formed Transatlantic Champions. Maple leaves made of denim fell around them. They had two cakes, one for each of the boys, and Mable met Joe for the first time. Joe said that he thought she was a good champion, and that her advice to the children earlier was good. Joe and Denim had an impromptu staring contest which Joe lost.

Joe and Denim were the legal wrestlers to begin. Joe got everyone to chant for Kid and what he claimed was Kid's favourite movie, *The Dog Walker*. He shoved the cake in Denim's face, then ran to tag his brother. Bro shoulder blocked Denim. She scraped the cake off her face into her mouth, then tried to spit it into Bro's eyes. Bro ducked and it hit Joe in the face instead. Bro used the distraction to give her a Big Boot, then another shoulder block. He went to the top rope to attempt the moonsault he promised he would do for Kid. However, he fell flat on his face. Denim jumped on Bro's back like a trampoline while he tried doing press-ups, but this caused a crack to occur in Bro's spine.

Denim tagged in Mable who performed her Border Integrity move, damaging his spine even further. She dragged him around the ring by his ankle to build up speed, then threw him out of the ring like a silver bullet. She tried her Sorry, Not Sorry move with a chair on him, but he no-sold the move and criticised her for not following the rules. Bro expected to be able to tag Joe in, but he was in the medical corner because of the cake in his hair. Denim was with Joe making sure he was okay, and she suggested to him that Bro had gotten so good that he didn't need him anymore, and had a purpose in life. Meanwhile, Bro peformed a beautiful Silver Splash, and went for a Silver Spooner despite Joe trying to tag himself in to get the win. Bro hit the finisher, surprised that Joe wasn't doing the other half of the move, and pinned Mable. The Precious Metals retained the tag team belt.

Joe stopped the audience chanting, and said the tag team wasn't working anymore. He wanted Tina to be taken off Bro's entrance entirely, and said it was a bad match despite their win as they didn't hit their double team move together. Joe asked for Bro's tag belt so he could find a new brother to partner with. In retaliation, Bro said "maybe dad was right about you," and said that he was a better man than Joe was. Joe said that what Bro said was really low as he was trying to remember Kid Flippz. He attempted to ride Stable Stirrup out but the horse bucked him off; he landed with cake in his face again. He tried for Denim's gimpacorn sewing machine but was bucked off a second time. He just walked back up the ramp.

### Albert Hall in hospital

Tony and Fred stood side by side as Albert Hall lied in a hospital bed. Bitch Doctor stood over him with a clipboard. Fred said "alright Tony. We'll do it ourselves."