Megachurch/Quotes

General
References
Notes/Trivia
**Quotes**
Goofs

**Gert**: Is Sanford coming to church?
**Janice**: Yes he is. Let's go, Sanford.
**Sanford**: Ugh, why do I gotta go to church? I don't wanna be born again. The first time was gross enough. *[finds a meatball under the table]* Ooh, meatball!

*[Ernesto looks at himself in the mirror]*
**Ernesto**: What would Jesus do? Ernesto.

**Ernesto**: Hola, Bud. Happy Sunday. Wow, nice jacket.
**Bud**: It's for being an usher. The most important job in the church. If there had been an usher at the last supper, Jewish would not have been given a seat.
**J.C.**: I think his name was "Judas".
**Bud**: Yeah, that's what I said. "Judish", and in the "Judes", the people that killed Jesus. They named their religion after him, "Judasism". It's a well-known hysterical fact.

*[Ernesto looks over his landscaping work]*
**Ernesto**: God, you made the earth, but I make the earth look good.

**Janice**: Oh, I can't believe I married an usher.
**Bud**: You're the prettiest usher's wife.
**Janice**: *[to another woman]* You hear that, you cow!?

**Bud**: If Reverend Fantastic is such a bad guy, then how come he's always giving cops money?

*[Bud walks up to a woman, breastfeeding her baby]*
**Bud**: You know, if you'd like some privacy, we have a special place to make you feel more comfortable.
*[Cut to the back alley of the MegaChurch; Bud throws the woman outside]*
**Bud**: It's called "your house!"

*[Bud sees The Devil]*
**Bud**: Hey! It's the guy who gives me an erection, whenever I see a hot man!

**Reverend Fantastic**: Good morning, fine people of Mexifornia. Let us begin today's worship with the word of Gid.
**Assistant**: "God", sir.
**Reverend Fantastic**: God, right.

**Church Worker**: Have you heard the expression, "You can't take blood from a stone?"
**Reverend Fantastic**: Not if it's from the bible.

**Bud**: Ernesto, are you looking for salvation, redemption, and compassion?
**Ernesto**: My cousins? No, they're in the kitchen.

**Ernesto**: Hola, Becky. What's wrong? Did you just find out J.C. was molested?
**Becky**: You knew?
**Ernesto**: No, I just guessed by your facial expression.
**Sanford**: Hey, Ernesto.
**Ernesto**: Hola, Sanford. What's wrong? Did you just eat a bad cheeseburger out of the garbage?
**Sanford**: Yeah, I did!
**Ernesto**: Ha ha ha! I am on fire today!

**Bud**: *[to Pepito]* Don't you have a gang to join?

**Becky**: I know how hurtful it can be to be bullied. People call us fat, gay, ugly, so I wrote a three verse song for us to sing. Fat kids start. Kevin, you can sing the fat and gay verses. You know what? Since ugly too.

**J.C.**: Your prophet-minded church is trying to capitalize on the growing Mexican population. It's called "Hispanering".

**Gert**: My daddy don't need no church. My friend, Gwendolyn's dad don't go to church and he's always giving her fist-kisses on her cheek bones.
**Bud**: Thanks, my little angel. You are by far, the best thing my semen has turned into.

**Ernesto**: Bud's skipping church? Now I've seen everything. Heh, except a dog driving a car.
**Sanford**: There it is!
*[A dog drives by in a car, and Ernesto misses it]*
**Ernesto**: Darnit! I missed it again! Ah, well, next time for sure.

**Bud**: The Pope's Mexican, right? You guys all know each other. Can't you just call him up and tell him to fix this?
**Ernesto**: Bud, first of all, The Pope isn't Mexican, he's Argentinean, but yes, I do know him. We play soccer together.

*[The Pope accidentally runs over a Rabbi in the Popemobile]*
**The Pope**: Oh, man. This is going to be a thing.

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