Hoseok/The Notes

**The Notes** by **Hoseok**, written in the form of diary entries.

When I counted to three, I heard the sound of laughter like a hallucination. The next moment the young me passed by holding someone's hand. I looked back quickly, but there was no one there except my classmates staring at me.

"Hoseok-ah," the teacher called my name. Only then did I realize where I was. It was a class field trip. I was counting the fruits that were drawn in the textbook. Five. Six. I kept counting, but as I did my voice trembled and my hands grew sweaty. The memory of that time kept surfacing.

I couldn't clearly remember my mother's face that day. I only remembered the chocolate bar she gave me as we looked around the amusement park.

"Hoseok-ah. Count to ten and then open your eyes." When I had finished counting and opened my eyes, my mother was gone. I waited and waited, but she never returned. I had only counted to nine. If I counted one more it would have been fine, but my voice wouldn't come out. My ears were ringing and my surroundings grew cloudy. The teacher kept pointing, telling me to keep counting. My friends were staring at me. I couldn't remember my mother's face. It seemed like if I counted one more, my mother would really never come back for me.

Just like that, I collapsed to the ground.

While Hoseok was answering a call, I played around by stepping on his shadow. Hoseok burst into laughter and said, "Jimin has grown up."

It took 2 hours to walk home from school. If you took the bus it was less than 30 minutes. It would be too little if you said it took 20 minutes. He always leads me through shortcuts, alleys or even old bridges. We would stubbornly walk this route. It had been a year since I was discharged from the hospital and transferred schools. The school was far from home and I didn't know anybody. I thought it was fine. I had transferred schools many times and who knew when I would be admitted to the hospital again. I thought that this would be nothing much.

At that time I met Hoseok. It was just after the start of the new semester. He approached me and stayed with me for 2 hours. I only found out a long time later that our houses weren't even in the same direction. I didn't ask why he stayed with me. I was hoping in my heart that the 2 hours under the sun could be lengthened.

After teasing Hoseok during his call and stepping on his shadow I ran away. He hung up the call and chased after me. Under the heat of the sun, my ice cream melted. I heard the song of the cicadas. I found that I was suddenly scared.

How long would these days last?

Jimin's mother paced back and forth in the emergency room after checking that the name on the head of the bed and the IV drop were properly placed. She brushed a strand of grass from Jimin's shoulder with one finger. I approached hesitantly, feeling that I should tell her why Jimin was in the emergency room, about the seizure at the bus stop. Jimin's mother seemed to notice me only then, and she looked at me with a long evaluating case.

I didn't know what to do. So I stood still. Jimin's mother only said, "Thank you." and then turned back to him. The next time Jimin's mother looked at me, the Doctor and nurses had started to move the bed, and I moved to follow. Jimin's mother said thank you again and pushed at my shoulder. Rather than pushing, it was more like she touched me slightly and then pulled her hand away. But I suddenly felt an invisible line being drawn between Jimin's mother and myself. That line was sure and solid. It was cold and sturdy. It was a line that I could never surmount.

I had lived at the orphanage for 10 years. Something was off with my whole body, my sight, the air. In a moment of bewilderment, I took a step back and fell to the floor. Jimin's mother looked vacantly down at me. She was a small and beautiful person. But her shadow was large and cold. That shadow fell over me as I collapsed on the emergency room floor. When I lifted my head Jimin's bed had left the emergency room and could no longer be seen.

After that day Jimin didn't come back to school.
 **25 February Year 21**

I danced, not being able to take my eyes off of myself in the mirror. Everything became peaceful. Moving my body along with the music everything, apart from my feelings, was quiet.

The first time I danced I was 12 years old. I think it was for a talent show or retreat I went to. I stood on stage with all of my friends. The thing I remember the most from that day was the applause and the feeling of actually feeling like myself for the first time. Of course, back then I thought it was simply thrilling to move my body with the music. It was bliss, and I found out later on that that bliss wasn't coming from the applause but from within.

I was tied to a lot of things outside of the mirror. I couldn't stand having my feet touch the ground even if it was for a few seconds. Even if I hated it I smiled. Even when I was sad I smiled. I took pills that I didn't need and fainted no matter the location. That's why when I danced I tried not to look away from my reflection in the mirror. It was a time when I could be myself, fly and drop all of the heavy burdens. It was a time when I gained hope that I could become happy.

I was at peace with the idea of looking at myself during those times.

I liked being among people. I started a part time job at a fast food restaurant, but I had to deal with a lot of people and always had to smile and be active. That was good for me. In fact, my life was neither jovial nor energetic. It was also evident that I saw more bad people than good ones.

Maybe it was better that way. If I forcefully laugh, talk loudly, and cheerfully respond, I feel like I am in such a mood. I was laughing so much, I felt good. I was friendly and kind, and I had a hard time. It was hard to take a step when arranging the store and returning home. Still, it was a little easier to endure those things when I had friends.

Sometimes I thought of my friends while I was watching a customer entering the store:
SeokJin hyung, who had gone away without a word, Namjoon hyung, who disappeared one morning, Yoongi hyung, who I had not contacted after he was expelled, Taehyung where the the accident was, and finally, Jimin...

I have seen a few times in front of the window wearing uniforms and leaving school, but somehow I did not go to the store. I thought that those days were gone now. I was greatly welcomed by the guests as I was broken out of thought. Then I turned to the door with a bright and healthy smile.
 **10 May Year 22**

I opened the emergency exit door and literally leaped down the stairs. My heart beat so fast I feared it was about to burst. The face I saw in the hospital hallway was obviously a mother. When I turned around, the elevator door opened and people walked out. Desperately pushing past people, I saw my mother go through the emergency exit. I ran down two stairs at a time, in a frustrated state of mind. I went down several floors without resting.

"Mom!"

My mom stopped. I took one more step. She turned around.I went down a step further.
My mother's face began to be seen. It was then that I stumbled and my heel slipped off the stair. I closed my eyes to the thought of going down in the future. Someone caught my arm. Thanks to that, I was able to regain my balance. 3

I looked back and saw a surprised face. I turned my head again without a moment to say thank you. I saw the woman I thought was my mother. She wore a surprised expresssion on her face. The young boy next to me, Jimin, blinked his big eyes and looked at me. I stood on the stairs avoiding looking at the woman's face. She wasn't my mother...she was Jimin's mother. I don't remember what Jimin did next... I did not ask how Jimin appeared just in time to catch me before I fell. My mind was too busy trying to make sense of what had happened to wonder about the details.

She was not my mother. Maybe I knew it from the start. More than 10 years have passed since I was left alone in the amusement park. My mother would have been older and would be different from my memory. I will not recognize her now even if I met her. No, I almost looked back at Jimin's mother's face now. JiMin was following her silently. When I was in high school, Jimin stayed at the hospital after he left the emergency room.

When I asked him if he wanted to go out, he did not know what to do. He might have been too caught up in his own memories . I got close to Jimin. I grew up with him. He was so much like myself...

Taking Taehyung, we left the police station.

"You did well." Lowering my head, I spoke with spirit but didn't really feel that way. From the police station, it wasn't so far to Taehyung's house. If he lived much further away, would there be less reason for Taehyung to enter the police station so often? Why did Taehyung's parents decide to live so close to a police station? To such a boy who was so kind to the point of idiocy, the world was too unfair. I put an arm around his shoulder and asked,

"Are you hungry?" Pretending nothing was wrong. Taehyung shook his head. I asked him,

"Did the men at the police station say it was good for you to buy food?" but Taehyung didn't answer.

Into the sunshine, the two of us walked. Within my heart, a cold wind blew. If my heart is like this, how is he be feeling? Would he have any of his heart left? How much pain would be in his heart? Because I was thinking such things, I could not look him in the face, and instead turned up to the sky. Through the faint sunshine, a plane was passing by. The first time I saw the scars on Taehyung's back, it was when I met him in Namjoon's container hideout. Though nobody could speak because he smiled so cutely at his excitement in receiving a shirt, part of my heart had broken.

I had no parents. I had no recollection of my father, and my mum too, I only knew until the age of seven. If we were speaking about the pain received by parents in one's childhood, I myself had received enough. People say this. That you have to overcome your pain, that you have to accept it and get used to it. That you have to reconcile and forgive them. That it's the only way to live. It's not that I don't know. It's not that I reject it out of hatred. Some things can't be done just by trying. Nobody told me how. Before I became hardened enough for this world, it gave me new wounds. I do know that there are no people with no wounds by the world. But why is it necessary to have such deep wounds. For what reason is it necessary. Why do we have to live such a life?

"Hoseok. It's okay. I can go alone." He spoke at the crossroads.

"I know." Without concern, I took the lead.

"It's truly okay. Look. I'm fine." Taehyung smiled at me. I did not respond. There was no way he could be okay. He's so not okay, but once he acknowledges that, it would be hard to go on. So he's ignoring it. It's become his habit. Taehyung flipped over his hooded t-shirt and became to follow me.

"You're really not hungry, right?" I asked him as we reached the corridor of his home. Taehyung gave a dumb smile and nodded his head. I watched him walk through the corridor with his back turned and then turned myself. The corridor that the kid was walking through, the street I was returning by, they were both narrow and desolate. My friend, and myself, both alone.

I was just about to turn around when the phone rang.
 **31 May Year 22**

Suddenly, I felt breathless and I avoided my own gaze. After dancing for a long time, I was breathing hard. But I don't think that was the reason. I thought she resembled my mother. No, I shouldn't have thought that. I have not been able to look straight at the face of a friend I've known for over a decade. Together, we learned how to dance, failed, got frustrated, and became empowered. I was sweating on the floor as she threw me a towel jokingly. At the time, I felt an emotion I had felt once before. But I got up from my seat in a hurry. As soon as I turned the corner, I stood with my back against the wall. I try to sort out my breathing when I hear:

"Hoseok-ah, where are you going?"

A voice. I think it was a voice. "Hoseok-ah", a voice calling. Now I haven't even thought about it, the voice that goes back to when I was seven.

I stood in the hallway the whole time she was receiving first aid. Even though it was night, the hospital hallway was bustling with people. Moisture dripped from my hair, wet with sweat and rain. I dropped the bag I had taken off of her. A variety of things tumbled out of it. A few coins rolled away, and a ball pen and a towel. In the middle of it, all was an airplane e-ticket. I picked it up and scanned it.

At that moment, the doctor called me. He said it was a mild concussion and nothing to worry about, and after a moment, she came out as well.

"Are you okay?" She said that her head just hurts a little, and she took her bag from me. Then she spotted the e-ticket peeking out and looked up at my face. I shifted my bag to my other shoulder and said that we should go, pretending that it was nothing. As we left the hospital it was raining as hard as ever. We stood side by side outside the door.

"Hoseok-ah," she said. It looked like she had something to say. "Wait a second. I'll get an umbrella." I ran off thoughtlessly into the rain. There was a convenience store in the distance. I knew that she had auditioned for an overseas dance team some time ago. The plane ticket meant that she had made it. I didn't want to hear her say it. I didn't have the confidence to congratulate her.
 **13 August Year 22**

Jimin and her stood in the middle of the practice room. When the music started to play from the speakers, they started running through the first dance. I sat on the floor of the practice room and watched. When I found out that I could not dance because of my ankle, it was really hard. I felt frustrated that I had to just see someone else dancing, but by helping Jimin practice and seeing the results, I realized that it is not a big deal if I can not dance.

As long as I keep on dancing, I can be happy. When I was dancing with Jimin, I could not make a small mistake. Jimin would subtly miss the timing or have even less motion than expected. Every time I stopped, I stopped the music and checked every single action. There seemed to be a kind of invisible audience seated on the floor of the exercise room and looking at it, Jimin's dancing seemed different. Each motion seemed more charged with energy and extravagance than the last.
When we were practicing together, things that I thought were mistakes came up differently.

Minor mistakes and inexperiences worked in a rather unique way. It's obviously different from me, but Jimin had his own timing and his own expression. Jimin was dancing in his own light and movement.