Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 10

DO NOT PROTECT THIS PAGE (UNLESS I HAVE ADMINISTRATOR BACK) IN CASE I NEED TO EDIT PAGE ACCORDINGLY DUE TO POSSIBLE CHANGES IN THE DOCUMENT. Refer to the disclaimers in Homestuck/MSPA Rewrite Part 1 for more information on why this page exists. It's important. But the gist is, I want to archive it/save my work somewhere, and please don't read if you want to wait until I release the finished product. Thank you.

*Pages 226-250 (The main attraction begins.)*

Your stats

Pony's stats

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Pulchritude:

Elf's stats

> Cut open the horse to sleep inside for the cold night (01029)

You seem to forget your sword is made of paper, and really isn't capable of cutting anything open.

However, with the pony's already weakened health, the blow is just enough to take him to critical condition. His pulchritude takes a hit too.

Pony's stats

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Pulchritude:

But the cold night air is imminent, and you have to do something. You decide to get into his mouth for warmth.

Ah, snug as a bug! You have a feeling you'll get a pretty good night's sleep.

While you were doing all that, the elf entered his magic two bedroom bungalow for the night and locked the door. Man, it sure looks warm in there.

> Cast fireball at bungalow, so you stay extra warm tonight (01030)

You crawl out of the mouth covered in viscuous horse-slobber. You don't know any fireball spells, but you think maybe there's something useful in the runes on your belly.

No fireballs, but another elf appears.

Now there are two elves hiding in there.

> Dig up stump (01031)

You flip open the stump easily, revealing a hole. There is a gun in the hole.

You figure the gun was placed there in case you need to off yourself at some point. There seems to be some powerful cosmic magnetism towards suicide which surrounds the stump.

It has no bullets.

> Go on a hunt for children to repay the elf for his kindness. (01032)

There appears to be a bus full of children on a field trip coming down the road. You wait to spring an ambush.

Unfortunately, not one of these children appears to be a baby!

> Give bus of children to elves so you can go inside (01033)

While you were measuring, the bus driver drove off with the rest of the kids, leaving you with only these three.

You see if you can interest the elves nonetheless.

They are apparently unmoved by the offer.

> Tie kids together with the horse and use as battering ram (01034)

An idea this good just doesn't come around every day! You bind your motley collection of hostages together with your ample supply of rope.

But the combined weight of three kids and a small equine is way too much to even drag to the door.

You're beginning to suspect this was a retarded idea.

> Throw two kids in the chimney. Maybe it'll smoke out elves (01035)

You order the children to climb the house and go down the chimney.

The horse tries to gesture that the gun has no bullets.

> Continue your downward spiral of mental instability (01036)

You are now an ELF.

Inside the bungalow, it is warm and inviting.

> invite the horse, children and madman in for tea party (1037)

Frankly, you think that guy is a little unhinged. You don't want anything to do with him! (unless he has babies of course)

> Enact Total War: set house on fire and flee east to Moscow (1038)

Moscow is west, you boob!!!

> Use magical prowess to summon Moscovite elves. (01039)

You don't know the spell for summoning elves - Russian or otherwise - and the only known spell is carved on the belly of that lunatic. And you're not getting close enough to read it!

The only spells carved on your bellies have nothing to do with elves. From what you can decipher of the runes, you think one has something to do with summoning vegetables.

The other one may give you an elevated mystical communion with animals or something. What a lame-ass spell.

> Use runes to commune with pony and feet it a majyyk'd carrot (01040)

A magical sense of communion tugs at the pony's primitive mind.

A luscious majyyk'd-up carrot tantalizes the pony.

All of the pony's stats are completely restored!

Pony's stats

> bite off your own leg and use it to play fetch with the pony (01041)

That does not sound like an enjoyable activity for either party!

> First, be the pony. Second, trample the children and the man (01042)

I'm sorry, but I am not familiar with the command "be the pony"!

> With elf powers, order the pony to trample children and man (01043)

You really put your back into this enchantment. You will coerce this pony towards murder come hell or high water!

The pony wanders off and snuggles into bed. He looks really warm and cozy.

You are now the pony.

> Enjoy restful slumber. (01044)

YOU WIN!

FINAL SCORE: 0

Would you like to play again?

# Act 1: The Note Desolation Plays

> Yes. (01045)

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2009, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

What will the name of this young man be?

> Enter name. (01046)

You enter "ZOOSMELL POOPLORD".

Try again, smartass.

> Try again. (01047)

Taking the naming seriously this time, you give him a proper name: JOHN EGBERT

The boy seems to quite like the name.

> Examine room. (01048)

Your name is JOHN. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.

What will you do?

> John: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer. (01049)

Your ARMS are in your MAGIC CHEST, pooplord!

> Remove CAKE from MAGIC CHEST. (01050)

Out of sympathy for John's perceived lack of arms, you pick up the CAKE for him and put it on his BED.

> John: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST. (01051)

You retrieve your FAKE ARMS from the chest. You use these for HILARIOUS ANTICS.

You CAPTCHALOGUE them in your SYLLADEX. You have no idea what that actually means though.

There are other items in the chest.

> John: Examine contents of chest. (01052)

In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a SKILLED MAGICIAN or a CUNNING PRANKSTER.

You are neither of these things.

Among the ARTIFACTS are: TWO (2) FAKE ARMS [CURRENTLY CAPTCHALOGUED IN YOUR SYLLADEX], ONE (1) PAIR OF TRICK HANDCUFFS, ONE (1) STUNT SWORD, ONE (1) MAGICIAN'S HAT, ONE (1) PAIR OF BEAGLE PUSS GLASSES, SEVERAL (~) SMOKE PELLETS, SEVERAL (~) BLOOD CAPSULES, and ONE (1) COPY OF COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY, and ONE (1) COPY OF HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY.

Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point. For now, you decide to just take the SMOKE PELLETS.

> John: Captchalogue smoke pellets. (01053)

You stow the SMOKE PELLETS on one of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS in your SYLLADEX.

You still aren't totally sure what that means, but you are starting to get the hang of the vernacular at least.

You have two empty CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS remaining.

> John: Equip fake arms. (01054)

You aren't totally sure if "EQUIP" is a verb copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which you dwell, but you give it a try anyway.

Unfortunately, you cannot access the FAKE ARMS! Their card is underneath the one you just used to captchalogue the SMOKE PELLETS. You will have to use the pellets first in order to access the arms. But this is probably unadvisable, since you'd just make your room lousy with smoke!

Your SYLLADEX'S FETCH MODUS is currently dictated by the logic of a STACK DATA STRUCTURE. You were never all that great with data structures and you find the concept puzzling and mildly irritating.

But with any hope, perhaps you will advance new, more practical FETCH MODI for your SYLLADEX with a little more experience.

> John: Examine Problem Sleuth Poster. (01055)

Is it even possible to get any more hard boiled than that? You really doubt it. This poster was one of your wisest purchases.

There is a nice spot on the wall next to it. You've been meaning to hang another poster there soon.

> John: Read note on drawer. (01056)

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU."

This note is rich with the aromas of FATHERLY AFTERSHAVES AND COLOGNES.

Beside the note is a ROLLED UP POSTER.

> John: Take poster. (01057)

Another BIRTHDAY ARTIFACT. You wonder what is printed on the poster.

You'll need some way to hang it on your wall.

> JOHN: Acquire hammer and nails. They will come in handy. (01058)

You first place the HAMMER into your SYLLADEX.

But now all of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS are full. You wonder what will happen if you try to take the NAILS?

You guess it doesn't hurt to try.

> John: Take nails. (01059)

You captchalogue FOUR (4) NAILS into the top card, and push all the ARTIFACTS down a card.

The FAKE ARMS are pushed entirely out of the deck!!!

Oh well. They're probably completely useless anyway. But you probably don't want to do that again, unless you want to drop the SMOKE PELLETS and suffer the consequences.

In any case, you now feel like you have gathered enough things to get down to business and do some really important stuff. The next thing you do will probably be exceptionally meaningful.

> John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk. (01060)

This is the dumbest idea you've had in weeks!!!

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

And yet the polished surface of your desk...

It beckons.

> John: Combine the nails and hammer. (01061)

You MERGE the top two cards.

The HAMMER and NAILS are now captchalogued on the same card and can be used together.

> John: Use hammer/nails on poster. (01062)

You use the HAMMER and NAILS card IN CONJUNCTION with the card beneath it.

> John: Nail poster to wall. (01063)

You use the HAMMER, NAILS, and POSTER on the blank space on the wall.

It is a movie poster of Little Monsters, starring Fred Savage and Howie Mandel!

It's glorious. Exactly what you wanted. The old man really came through this time.

> John: Examine Con Air poster. (01064)

PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

I SAID, PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

WHY COULDN'T YOU PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX?

> John: Examine Deep Impact poster. (01065)

Morgan Freeman's genteel, homespun mannerisms were perfect qualities for a president residing over a crisis.

OCEANS RISE. CITIES FALL. HOPE SURVIVES.

WOW.

Films about impending apocalypse fascinate you. Plus, a black president??? Now you've seen everything!

> John: Examine calendar. (01066)

You've marked your birthday, the 13th of April. Another day you marked was supposed to be the arrival date for the highly touted SBURB BETA LAUNCH.

It's been three days already. It's starting to become a sore subject with you.

> John: Eat cake. (01067)

You are sick to death of cake!!! You've been eating it all day. And you have no intention of clogging your SYLLADEX with it either. The CAKE stays put for now.

You hear a notice from your COMPUTER. Someone is messaging you.

> John: Examine incoming message. (01068)

You pull up to your COMPUTER. This is where you spend most of your time. You decorated your desktop with some rather handsome WALLPAPER which you made yourself. You are really proud of it.

Your desktop is also littered with various PROGRAMMING PROJECT FILES. You are so bad at programming sometimes you wonder why you even bother with it.

Your PESTERCHUM application is flashing. Someone is trying to get in touch with you.

> John: Open Pesterchum. (01069)

Only one of your CHUMS is logged in. He's sent you a message.

> John: Open message. (01070)

Pesterlog

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 --

TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today

EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.

TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here

EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage?

TG: but

TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken

TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory

EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?

EB: try using your brain numbnuts.

TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like

TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous

EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice.

TG: ok i can accept that

TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters

TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face

TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it

TG: did you get the beta yet

EB: no.

EB: did you?

TG: man i got two copies already

TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring

TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro????

EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it.

TG: yeah

TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now

EB: alright.

> John: Look out window. (01071)

You see the view of your yard from your window.

Hanging from the tree is your TIRE SWING. In a kid's yard, a tree without a tire swing is like a proper gentleman without a monocle. That is to say, HE CAN HARDLY BE CONSIDERED A TERRIBLY PROPER GENTLEMAN AT ALL.

And there beside your driveway is the mailbox.

> John: Examine mailbox. (01072)

The little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it is called is flipped up!

What the hell is that thing called anyway. You do not have time for these semantics. The red flippy-lever thing means you have new mail. And that means the beta might be here!

> John: Go outside and check mailbox. (01073)

You are about to hurry down stairs when you hear a car pull into the driveway. It looks like your DAD has returned from the grocery store.

Oh great. He is beating you to the mail.

> John: Forget it. Check mail later. (01074)

If you go down stairs to get it, he will likely monopolize hours of your time. You decide to chill out up here for a while until the dust settles.

Sometimes you feel like you are trapped in this room. Stuck, if you will, in a sense which possibly borders on the titular.

And now your chum is pestering you again. The clockwork of friendship turns ceaselessly, operating the swing-lever dealies of harassment in perpetuity!

Whatever. The dude can just hold his damn horses.

> John: Examine games on CD rack. (01075)

You've put countless manhours into this assortment of quality titles.

Among them are…

-Bard Quest

-The Caper Havers

-Problem Sleuth

-And It Don't Stop

-Jailbreak

-Ghostbusters II: The MMORPG

-Little Monsters for the NES

-Harry Anderson: Call My Bluff!

Three of them are part of the critically acclaimed MS Paint Adventures series. You especially like Problem Sleuth the most. Andrew Hussie really outdid himself.

> John: Read COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT. (01076)

You decide to consult with the Colonel's bottomless wisdom. Good grief this thing is huge. It could kill a cat if you dropped it.

But to really dig into this hefty book, you will have to captchalogue it. You are not sure you are ready to logjam your other ARTIFACTS beneath it just yet.

> John: Captchalogue fake arms again. (01077)

What did you just say?? You don't want to clog up your...

Oh, Jesus. In a momentary lapse of concentration, you accidentally captchalogue the arms again.

> John: Set Pesterchum status to "bully". (01078)

You don't think the situation is quite dire enough to go all the way to "RANCOROUS", but you still feel the PESTERCHUM client should reflect your mood change in some way.

"BULLY" will have to do. You guess.

This unsurprisingly does nothing whatsoever.

Oh, right, you forgot your chum is still pestering you.

> John: Answer chum. (01079)

Pesterlog

TG: is it there

TG: plz say yes

TG: maybe you can play with TT shes been pestering me all day about it

TG: shes mackin on me so hard all the time i start to feel embarrassed for her

TG: i mean not that i can blame her or anything

EB: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. i am attracted to you.

TG: thank you

EB: jk haha.

EB: no, i don't have it yet.

EB: my dad has the mail and i guess i have to go get it from him and see if it's there.

EB: and i've been busy spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex.

EB: it's so frustrating.

TG: whats your modus

EB: what?

TG: how do you retrieve artifacts from it

EB: oh. like one at a time i guess. and if i put too much in, something falls out.

TG: stack?? hahahahahaha

EB: what is yours?

TG: hash map

TG: my bro taught me a few tricks he basically knows everything and is awesome

EB: what the hell is that?

TG: you should probably brush up on your data structures

EB: i guess.

TG: did you at least allocate your strife specibus

EB: no.

TG: it could free up a card for you

TG: plus let you attack stuff whenever things get too hot to handle

TG: which is never

TG: what have you got

EB: well, i've got a hammer but it's trapped under some arms.

TG: wow you really suck at this dont you

TG: just get rid of the arms and then allocate the hammer to the specibus

EB: how?

TG: i dont know just use the arms on any old thing and see if it works

> John: Combine fake arms with cake. (01080)

You stick the FAKE ARMS in the CAKE on your bed.

This definitely makes the CAKE at least 300% more hilarious. You're sure COLONEL SASSACRE would know the precise index of elevated hilarity.

> John: Allocate hammer to strife specibus. (01081)

You check the back of your STRIFE SPECIBUS for the KIND ABSTRATUS you have in mind for it.

> John: Select "HAMMER". (01082)

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS has been ALLOCATED with the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS.

The HAMMER has been moved from your CAPTCHALOGUE DECK to your STRIFE DECK.

> John: Report progress to TG. (01083)

Pesterlog

EB: ok, i did it.

TG: hammerkind?

EB: yeah.

TG: ok that will be the permanent allocation for your specibus

TG: i guess i should have mentioned that

EB: uh...

TG: hope you like hammers dude!

EB: yeah, that's fine i guess. i can't imagine it's going to be all that relevant.

> John: Captchalogue Colonel's big book. (01084)

Now that you've got some space in your SYLLADEX to work with, you figure you might as well start squandering it immediately.

Ordinarily this ridiculous book would be way too heavy to carry around in any practical way. You guess maybe this is one respect in which the cards present some convenience.

> John: Examine GameBro Magazine. (01085)

"GAMEBRO

SBURB

Why the 'Game of the Year' or whatever isn't as good as some other stuff I like that's better."

> John: Read article. (01086)

"GAMEBRO FEATURE

SBURB

So ok.

Sburb is this game that a lot of cats seem hella pumped of. And this beta is sitting on my desk for review, so I'm like, yeah man I'll write something.

But I don't know. I'm like, so this is about houses or some noise? That's fine, I'm sure that's like fucking dynamite in a handbag for some brosephs. But all I'm saying is, when do you get to thrash anything? While you're playing house or some shit, are you ever in jeopardy of getting mud on your doll's dress or whatever from busting out, and I quote, 'the mad stunts all wicked-up ins'?

Know what I'm saying, Bro-Yo Ma? I didn't actually play the game, but I gave it 1.5 hats out of 5 hats to keep it real.

At this point I'd like to give a shout out to my boy Dennis who was over the other day. We were going to chill in front of The Dark Knight and he was so psyched of it y'all.

So this one time he was leaning against the screen door and the shit popped open, and the back deck was wet and he slipped down the steps and broke his thumb on the lawn. It wasn't a long fall, but hey I guess a thumb bone wasn't made for supporting the brunt of a huge useless tool against wet grass. We never did watch Dark Night on account of Ron trucking his bawling candy-ass girth to the hospital.

But it's cool, I still got another watch in me, Brotel Rwanda.

BRO-NOTES

Dennis was so wasted, ha ha. I mean damn."

> John: Captchalogue GameBro. (01087)

It might come in handy if you ever need something that burns easily.

> John: Captchalogue magician's hat. (01088)

You expend your final card on the MAGICIAN'S HAT.

> John: Get funny glasses too. (01089)

You don't have a free card in your SYLLADEX!

However, you are able to MERGE the BEAGLE PUSS with the MAGICIAN'S HAT to create a CLEVER DISGUISE.

> John: Wear disguise to fool dad. (01090)

John? Who is this "John" you speak of? You are quite certain there has never been, nor ever will be...

Yeah, this is a really shitty disguise.

While you are wearing the items, they remain on the card, but it is temporarily removed from the deck, thus freeing up the cards beneath it.

> John: Leave room. (01091)

You exit into the HALLWAY.

On one wall hangs a picture of a fella who sure knows how to have a laugh, a man after your own heart. You always thought he looked a lot like Michael Cera. But your DAD swears on the many HALLOWED TOMBS of Egypt that it is not. You're not sure about that though.

On the other wall is one of your DAD'S stupid clowns. Or HARLEQUINS, as he is quick to correct anyone who would venture such brazen assumption.

> John: Go downstairs. (01092)

The accursed odor of fresh baking wafts into your newfound nostrils. Something is brewing in the KITCHEN. It must be the connivings of your arch nemesis, BETTY CROCKER, and the rich, buttery aroma of her plot stinks to high heaven.

This mission is going to be more difficult than you imagined.

> John: Admire harlequins. (01093)

You check out the shelves of FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS.

Look at this fucking garbage. You hate this stuff. Funny is funny, but your DAD sure can be a real cornball.

Sometimes at night you pray for burglars.

> John: Examine fireplace. (01094)

A bright orange flame flickers in the FIREPLACE. It doesn't matter that it's April and not terribly chilly outside. In a home, a FIREPLACE needs a fire, because that's what FIREPLACE is for. A fire BELONGS in a FIREPLACE, dammit, cata(ptcha)gorically, at all times, without exception.

As domestic myth of unaccountable origin holds, a home borrows the spirit of the flame for as long as it makes a guest of it, much as the moon takes liberty with the sun's rays.

"The moon's an arrant thief, and her pale fire she snatches from the sun." -Mark Twain

You are almost certain Mark Twain said that.

> John: Toss GameBro into fire. (01095)

It doesn't burn as quickly as you hoped.

Each GAMEBRO MAGAZINE is guaranteed to be printed on 40% recycled asbestos. For big ups to Mother Earth, yo.

> John: Fondly regard cremation. (01096)

You examine the SACRED URN containing your departed NANNA'S ASHES.

When your father gives her portrait a wistful glance now and then, you can tell it brings back painful memories. A tall bookshelf. A ladder. An unabridged COLONEL SASSACRE'S.

He never wants to talk about it.

> John: Topple urn. (01097)

You clumsily mishandle the SACRED URN. Ash is everywhere.

In retrospect, upon mulling cinematic tropes regarding ash-filled urns, this outcome was a virtual certainty.

You'd probably better clean it up before DAD finds it.

> John: Combine father's pipe with clever disguise. (01098)

You think now would be a good time to beef up your CLEVER DISGUISE.

> John: Examine oversized gift. (01099)

Contemplating what could be inside this package is sort of exciting, but it makes you a little nervous at the same time.

There is a note on the package.

"CHAMP.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.

I BELIEVE IN YOU."

> John: Open large present. (01100)

Oh hell no.

A giant harlequin doll. This may be the worst birthday present you have ever received. The fact that it is larger than you just rubs salt on the wound!

You swear that he has an inane obsession with these things. Now that you're a teenager, you could finally stand up to him. If he thinks that you're gonna take these things as family heirlooms, he's one step away from being in the wagon!

> John: Captchalogue ashes. (01101)

First you prop the HARLEQUIN DOLL up on the couch. Having it in the middle of the floor sprawled out all akimbo like that struck you as unseemly.

You captchalogue the ASHES to your available card.

> John: Combine ashes with urn. (01102)

You merge the SACRED URN with the ASHES.

Most of the ASH is back in the URN, but it's a total mess. Really it probably would have been tidier if you just used a broom and dustpan.

> John: Put urn back. (01103)

No one will be the wiser.

Except maybe for people with eyes.

> John: Go get fake arms again. (01104)

You just got another BRILLIANT idea for something to do with those pointless arms. You pry them out of the CAKE and captchalogue them.

Looks like PESTERCHUM is acting up again.

> John: Examine 3rd and 4th walls of room. (01105)

More posters of your favorite REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES are scattered on those walls. The window that you just looked out from is on the 3rd wall, and, of course, your CLOSET on the 4th wall.

> John: Check Pesterchum. (01106)

Another one of your chums is messaging you.

> John: Check message. (01107)

Pesterlog

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:26 --

TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.

EB: that's an ugly rumor.

EB: whoever told you that is a filthy liar.

EB: and you should probably stop hitting on him all the time or whatever.

TT: I can't control myself.

TT: I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks.

EB: anyway i still haven't checked the mail, my dad has it.

EB: i'm trying to go get it from him, so brb

TT: John.

EB: what?

TT: You're wearing one of your disguises now, aren't you?

TT: You are typing to me right now while wearing something ridiculous.

EB: no, why would you even think that??

EB: that's so stupid.

TT: Ok.

TT: Why don't you go get the game from your father?

EB: alright, wish me luck.

EB: oh, btw...

EB: jk I was wearing a funny disguise this whole time.

EB: gotcha! hehehehe

TT: I know, John.

> John: Go back downstairs. (01108)

You can now execute that brilliant idea you had.

There should be just enough FROSTING on the FAKE ARMS to serve as an adequate adhesive.

> John: Attach arms to doll. (01109)

Hehehehehehehehe.

You don't care what COLONEL SASSACRE says, that makes it AT LEAST a million percent funnier.

> John: Inspect burnt paper on the floor. (01110)

A burnt piece of an advertisement from GameBro lays on the floor, away from the fire.

It is an advertisement for BROBLERONE, some sort of candy for dudebros. The implication that the GameBro writer has a candy line sends shivers down your spine. Then again, there's the possibility that it's not a real advertisement.

Still, you put this back in the fire where it belongs.

> John: Throw present wrap in fire. (01111)

As long as you're cleaning up…

> John: Catchalogue doll. (01112)

You can carry hefty items, but that thing is just way too big. Get real!

Besides, you don't even want it.

> John: Read Colonel Sassacre's text. (01113)

"THE CREEPY-CRAWLIES!

Hell's bells, we are having a mighty sporting time of it!

Hold fast, my intrepid fellow pranksmiths! We've merely nicked the mahogany of our japing chests.

If I may direct the incisive ogle of your beagle puss to the wriggling regency of rubber bugs, plastic parasites, squirming serpents, pliable pests, and every such order and phyls of creepy-crawlie!

Land sakes alive, we are cooking with petrol now!

In further exhibits we shall dwell on artifice useful to your exploits. Is your pappy's rod and reel handy? What about a bit of iron cord; it shouldn't prove elusive. Bring those writhing rascals to life, and set the nerves of some old maid to the wreck of Hesperus!

Do you have a bothersome aunt who never seems troubled to find ways with your sunny afternoons? A broad, splintery fence - a bucket of whitewash, perhaps?

By gum, you'll fix her wagon!

And what of that tawny gent who puts his lackadaisical lean near the sarsaparilla font? You'll have that listless octoroon find the spring in his step just yet!"

You thought about consulting the text to determine exactly how hilarious the doll is now.

But this text is way too big to navigate in a timely fashion. You decide to forget it.

> John: Find dad and retrieve mail. (01114)

The door on the left leads to the KITCHEN, from which the smell of baking wafts -- a powerful aroma which could lift an especially portly hobo off his feet.

The door on the right leads to the STUDY, where your DAD spends a lot of time.

He could be in either room. Where will you go?

> John: Go in the study. (01115)

It doesn't look like he's in here right now.

> John: Examine father's desk. (01116)

On the desk is a DECK OF PLAYING CARDS, one of your DAD'S PIPES, the April issue of THE SERIOUS JESTER magazine, and a stray CAPTCHALOGUE CARD.

There is also a CAN OF PEANUTS on the desk. Ha ha, oh DAD. You won't be falling for THAT one again any time soon.

A severe peanut allergy is a terrible affliction to cope with.

> John: Upgrade costume with hat from hat rack. (01117)

You swap the MAGICIAN'S HAT with the BOWLER HAT.

This disguise is somewhat less funny, but A LOT more distinguished looking.

> John: Combine second pipe with clever disguise. (01118)

Your DAD maintains numerous pipes around the household. A father without a pipe is like a strapping roughneck without a toothpick. That is to say, HE IS A RATHER PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A ROUGHNECK IF YOU ASK ME.

You'd rather not take the PIPE, though. The first one tastes bad enough as it is.

How you suffer for your comedy.

> John: Examine captchalogue card. (01119)

Yes!!! This will be perfect for expanding the space in your SYLLA…

> John: Catchalogue catchalogue card. (01120)

ARGH!!!

Well, this is a no brainer. You should've known this would happen.

You do wonder what would happen if the captchalogued card is pushed out of the deck. Would it give you an extra space in your slot?

You probably shouldn't find out now. Captchalogue one more thing and you let the smoke pellets free!

> John: Play haunting piano refrain. (01121)

Trying not to let the harlequin on the piano distract you, you set about providing the room, and any other room close enough to hear it, with an old tune taught to you long ago.

You are very good at this. Of course, you can't just conjure up tunes off the top of your head. That blessed sheet music was the only one you've ever known.

> John: Play 52 Pick-Up. (01122)

You play the prankster's favorite card game, even though you are alone in the room, thus rendering it an especially foolish version of Solitaire.

SO STUPID. Look at this mess.

The peanut gallery over there sure is getting a kick out of it. You are allergic to their scorn.

> John: Attempt to leave the house. (01123)

You go back into the LIVING ROOM and contemplate checking the mailbox outside. You think perhaps you should exhaust all possibilities before plunging headlong into a DAD encounter.

Your TELEVISION is currently airing a COMMERCIAL for an ECTO-COOLER. Man, if only DAD gave you that instead. You would forget all about his harlequin obsession. Almost.

> John: Exit. (01124)

You exit the house.

> John: Check mail. (01125)

Predictably, the mailbox is empty. You have already been scooped by your father.

The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note is produced. It's the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune.

It is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all.

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." -Walt Whitman

Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive.

You have a feeling it's going to be a long day.

> John: Leave a surprise for the mailman. (01126)

N...

No!

Literal shit should not be even considered upon the house of the pranksmiths!

> John: See if your father left the mail in the car. (01127)

The door is locked and your DAD has the CAR KEYS. You peer in through the driver's side window.

You don't see any mail, but you do see a GREEN PACKAGE. There is also something underneath it that looks like a slip of paper.

Could these items have come in the mail? You don't see anything else that's usually in the mail, like bills and coupons. Maybe your DAD forgot to take this stuff inside.

> John: Spy in the kitchen. (01128)

You try to get a gander through the KITCHEN WINDOW, but you can't see a whole lot! It seems your DAD has been doing so much baking, the glass has steamed up.

God he is so weird.

But you can see what's on the table just beside the window. It looks like the mail is there! Included among it is a RED PACKAGE, some BILLS, your DAD'S PDA, and an envelope that appears to be suspiciously labeled with the SBURB LOGO. Could it be???

Unfortunately, the window is locked.

> John: Go back into the kitchen. (01129)

You have no other choice. You are going in.

CLEVER DISGUISE, it's time to work your magic.

> John: Enter. (01130)

Your DAD sees right through your costume! You don't know what you were even thinking with this foolish ruse!!!

You unequip the CLEVER DISGUISE. Your DAD wields a dreaded ARTIFACT OF CONFECTION. He stands between you and the mail.

There is only one way to settle this.

> STRIFE! (01131 P1)

Your dad lights the candles on the CAKE, and wishes for you to partake in a ritual that will likely waste precious time you could be spending on playing the GAME OF THE YEAR.

Over your dead body!

> AGGRIEVE (01131 P2)

You grab your HAMMER from your STRIFE DECK, and attempt to strike your dad. However, he completes a successful AUTO-PASTRY!

He is now approaching with the CAKE!!

> ABJURE (01131 P3)

You prepare to solemnly renounce this feckless chicanery of which your DAD is the feudal lord of.

> DAD: GUARDIAN RUBRIC -> COBBLEBRAND (01131 P4)

He approaches with the cake, completing a successful DOTESMITE. You refuse to fall in his trap, and you don't want to be in his presence any further.

> John: Retrieve the package and flee to your room! (01132)

You cannot ABSCOND! This pesky GUARDIAN is blocking your path! You will need to engineer some sort of distraction.

And now he brandishes yet another ARTIFACT OF CONFECTION! The man is ruthless.

You'd better brace for impact in the most comedically striking fashion possible.

> John: Equip disguise for defence. (01133)

The BEAGLE AEGIS absorbs the brunt of the treat. Looks like DAD will enjoy the prankster's gambit on that exchange, as is usually the case.

> John: Captchalogue pie tin. (01134)

You take PIE TIN and unequip the BEAGLE PUSS.

Everything in your SYLLADEX is pushed back a card. The SMOKE PELLETS are ejected from the deck.

Yes! This could be just the distraction you were…

Nothing happens.

What a huge letdown.