Unfilled Spaces

May 8, 2020

*CW: talk of PTSD, panic attack, excessive cuteness*

*But damn my﻿ luck and damn these friends*

*That keep on combing back their smiles*

*I save my grace with half-assed guilt*

*And lay down the quilt upon the lawn*

*Spread my arms and soak up congratulations…*

There’s static as the record finishes leaving Boon lying sprawled on her bed with Brimstone curled up at her feet and her journal at her side. She breathes for a moment, slowly, absorbing the silence. There's tears in her eyes as she sits up and puts the journal away in her nightstand. Pulling her phone from the pocket of her button down she dials a familiar number.

“Hey, Lanta. Mind if I come over?”

Atlanta is sitting on her balcony. She hasn’t gotten any furniture for it yet, but there is a small potted plant on the ground in the corner so it’s not totally empty. Pages of cupcake sketches are spread out around her. A number of them have Xs and scribbles through them. She’s scrolling through an article titled “Best Mother’s Day Presents 2020” on her phone when Boon calls. The frustrated lines in her forehead fade as she answers.

“I’d like that.”

“Word. I’ll be over in a minute. Sit tight.”

“I’m on the balcony. See you soon.”

Atlanta puts her phone away and gathers up her loose papers. Not wanting to go back inside, she tucks the cupcake designs under the plant so they don’t blow away. As she waits, she looks out over the neighboring roofs. It was weird, living in a house. Good, but weird. And having a balcony where flying girlfriends could land was a definite perk.

Boon steps out into the warm night air and notices the cool breeze. Flying fast above the city of Halcyon would require a jacket. She returns inside and pulls her favorite wool lined bomber from her closet. She returns outside and loads Brimstone onto her back. “You’re getting heavy aren’tcha boy? Hold on tight.” She lifts off into the air and begins soaring over the lights of the city suburbs on her way to Atlanta’s house. Sooner rather than later she spots a large house and a girl with curly brown hair on the balcony. She touches down gently and sets Brimstone on the balcony.

“Hey! I brought Brimstone with me. Figured this uh…might be a support dog kinda night.”

Atlanta lets Brimstone rush over and lick her for a moment before standing and hugging her girlfriend.

“You know I’m always happy to see both of you.” She pulls back to look up at Boon. “Just normal ‘we’re teenage superheroes and sometimes things just kinda stink’ kind of support dog night, or like, something in particular?”

Boon hugs Atlanta back, the embrace warming her slightly from the cold flight. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today. Like, too much thinking. Um, I kinda just need some comfort. I don’t really know what’s happening to me, and…I’m just really scared” The distress on Boon’s face is visible. “I think I need to talk about it with someone, but every time I try I just- can’t breathe…”

Atlanta rubs Boon’s arms comfortingly. “I’m here for both of those things. To listen and give comfort. Whatever you need. There’s no rush. Do you want to sit out here, or go inside? I can get some tea and cupcakes or something, if you want. Or even just some pillows so we’re not sitting on the floor.”

Boon relaxes a bit and gives a slight smile. “Thanks dear, you’re the sweetest.” She brushes a stray lock of hair from Atlanta’s eye. “Inside would be nice. And cupcakes and tea sound lovely.”

Atlanta blushes slightly as Boon touches her hair. The amount of care Boon manages to convey in such small motions makes Atlanta question how reality could be this good every time it happens. After realizing she'd been staring up at Boon like a doofus for a little too long, wondering how she managed to get such a caring girlfriend, she clears her throat and opens the balcony door.

Atlanta's room wasn't large, but it was bigger than her old one. The sloped ceiling made it hard for Boon to stand up straight in parts of the room, but it wasn't too bad. The bathroom was straight across from the balcony. To the left was a bookshelf, surrounded by some unpacked boxes, and a small desk. The cupcake-shaped light that Luna gave Atlanta sat on it, and more cupcake designs were scattered across it. To the right was her bed, covered in a pink comforter and an unreasonable amount of pillows. A huge collage of pictures of Atlanta and her friends covered the wall next to her bed.

"Right. I'll grab the stuff from downstairs, you make yourself at home?" Giving a double thumbs up to Boon, she backs toward the door that leads to the rest of the house, bumps into it, and fumbles it open, face very red.

Boon sighs, and sits down on the bed, grateful to have a partner who would go to such lengths to provide her comfort when she needs it most. She takes off her boots and sits cross legged facing the collage.

She admires the photos and the fond memories of their mutual friends. There's a few of herself, one from when she asked her out at the park, and the cover of the tabloid magazine that tipped off Noah.

There's a few of Ellen and Carm too, which gives Boon pause. She spins around and lies back on the bed, reaching down to pet Brimstone.

Atlanta isn't gone for long. A few minutes later, she comes back in with a tray with a plate of cupcakes, two mismatched coffee mugs, a teapot of hot water, and a number of tea bags scattered between the other items.

"I wasn't sure what teas you like, so I grabbed a bunch." She sets the tray down on her bedside table before sitting down next to Boon. "I grabbed the non-caffeinated ones. Figured it was more of a lavender night than Earl Gray."

"Awww thanks dear. Yeah caffeine is the opposite of what I need right now." She swings her legs around to the floor and grabs a bag of lavender tea and a mug. "To that point, is it possible to be allergic to caffeine? I mentioned I've been having breathing problems lately, caffeine seems to make it worse for some reason." She pauses. "Although, it's been happening when I think about…um- her..."

Atlanta grabs herself a lemon ginger tea bag and pours hot water in her mug. Mentally, she flips through several options of who "her" could mean before she realizes who Boon must mean. She squeezes Boon's knee. "I know that caffeine CAN be an allergy, but it sounds more like anxiety than that. Well, worse than anxiety. And caffeine can make it worse. Anything stronger than green tea makes mine spike. Do you want to try and talk about it?"

Boon's hand clenches up and her lip quivers. "I- I think that would help. Yeah." She closes her eyes and inhales. "I didn't notice at first. I thought everything was fine once you all saved me." She scrunches her face a bit "I almost told Kurt about it, but I started hyperventilating. It's happened more times since then. Feeling like I can't control my body just reminds me of it and makes things worse." Brimstone whimpers and nuzzles up against Boon's leg as both of her hands clench harder and tears stream down her face. "Knowing she still has this…hold over me…" Brimstone jumps up and licks her face as her breathing gets faster.

Atlanta quickly sets her tea aside and cups Boon’s face in both hands. “Hey, look at me, Boon. You’re here. You’re safe. Breathe with me, okay? You’re safe.” She takes a breath in for six counts, holds it for four, then slowly releases, hoping Boon will follow her lead.

Boon follows along with her girlfriend's breathing. The scent of lavender and ginger fills her nostrils and lingers there as she holds it. After a few repetitions of this she's able to get her breathing under control. "I don't know what I'd do without you Atlanta," she sips her tea. "Thank you. This is the first time I've properly talked about it since you saved me. It's really difficult."

Atlanta tucks one leg under herself so she can sit facing Boon. “Talking about this kind of thing is really hard. The fact that you’ve told me this much is a huge step. You can keep going, if you want, and I’m here to listen. Or we can eat too many cupcakes and watch Brimstone drool on my comforter, knowing you’ve made a good start.” Atlanta grins and ruffles Brimstone’s ears as she says this. “We’re both here for you either way.”

Boon smiles and gives Atlanta a hug again. "I'd be happy to just sit here and eat some cupcakes with you. I'll…I'll tell you about the dreams I've been having when I'm feeling more up to it."

Atlanta happily hugs her girlfriend. “I’ll be here when you’re ready. And it’s more than likely that I’ll have cupcakes then, too.”

Leaning over, Atlanta grabs the plate of cupcakes. Brimstone’s eyes track it as she brings it over. Noting this, she holds it out of range for the pup to snatch one. “I’ve got lemon with blueberry frosting, and these are vanilla with strawberry whipped cream in the center. Jasper loves when I make these because he gets to eat all the little bits I cut out.”

"Jasper's a lucky kid, the leftover bits are delicious." Boon grabs one of the strawberry vanilla cupcakes from the plate and proceeds to take a huge bite out of it, piquing Brimstone's interest. "Shpeaking a' cupcakes," she says through a mouthful of confectionery before swallowing, "I uh…noticed your cheet the other day. And double checked to make sure your birthday was October 22 like I thought it was. I feel really bad that I have to ask, but did I miss an important date or something?"

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhh,” Atlanta freezes with a blueberry cupcake halfway to her mouth and her face flushes. “No? No! Definitely nothing actually important. It was uh, an accidental tag?” Knowing this was a terrible and transparent lie, she glances around like she’s hoping to see something that will inspire a better one. There’s nothing that helps, and she looks down at her cupcake so she doesn’t stare at the tabloid cover taped to the wall.

Boon lowers her eyes. “Atlanta…if there’s something bothering you I want you to feel comfortable telling me.” She looks her partner in the eyes, “And if I messed something up I want to know what I did wrong so that I can be a better girlfriend.”

“No! No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I just, uh. It’s silly…” Atlanta sighs and puts down her cupcake. Not having sleeves to pull down over her hands, she just rubs her wrist instead and starts to ramble. “I uh. So. I realized the other day when I was putting up my pictures that uh, it was two months since you asked me to be your girlfriend. And I uh, thought, hey, maybe we should celebrate! But then after I made the cupcakes, which I wouldn’t have made mocha if I’d known caffeine wasn’t great for you right now, but after I made the cupcakes, I realized that maybe no one actually thinks about that kind of thing? Like, it was just silly to try and make it important when it isn’t really. And then I halfway chickened out by posting them on chitter, but not saying why, and also tagging you without saying why, and then I felt like a big dummy because you didn’t know what it was about so of course no one thinks about two month anniversaries, and it wasn’t important and I’m sorry.”

Boon just stares at Atlanta for a moment and breaks the silence with stifled laughter. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't laugh. But just, Atlanta, that's adorable." She sets down her cupcake and scooches over to sit side by side with Atlanta. "I should've known to keep track of stuff like this, you're always looking for something to celebrate, it's one of the reasons I love you. You're constantly in the lookout for something to be happy about and to bake cupcakes for." She smiles at Atlanta. "I guess I didn't think of it because, to me- Oh Gods this is gonna sound cheesy. Every day with you is worth celebrating." She reaches over to hug her from the side. "You're not a dummy, and if it's important to you it's important to me too…just, you know, send me a reminder next time, I'm always happy to celebrate us."

Atlanta leans into Boon, trying to hold back happy tears as she listens. It's cheesy and wonderful and so incredibly Boon. And there's one sentence in particular that sticks out to her. It feels right. So before she can overthink it, she quietly says, "I love you, too."

Boon's eyes widen. *Wait, she said the thing. She said too. Did I say the thing? Oh gods I said the thing.* Boon scratches the back of her head "I uh, I didn't realize what I said. I think that's the first time we've said 'I love you' to each other." She brushes her hand softly against Atlanta's cheek. "I do though, Atlanta. I love you so much."

Atlanta's anxiety begins to spike when Boon admits she didn't intend to say it, but it calms as soon as Boon touches her face. Unsure if she's going to laugh or cry, she looks up at her girlfriend. "Yeah. I think it is." A giggle bursts out of her, and she tucks her legs under herself so she can sit up on her knees, face to face with Boon. After taking in the sight of her face for a moment, a face that was now impossibly beautiful but still Boon, Atlanta asks, "Can I kiss you?"

A few joyful tears leave Boon's eyes as she looks back at Atlanta. *She's just so perfect*. Without a word Boon leans in to kiss her girlfriend. As they kiss the tensions that had been facing her throughout the day melt away and for a long moment it feels like it's just the two of them. Atlanta’s hand touches her cheek, but then it slips away and she feels utterly alone...

As Atlanta touches Boon's cheek, Brimstone sneezes, startling her for a second. She falls forward onto the bed, with no Boon there to lean against. It takes her a moment, laying there and looking around before she realizes what she must have done.

"No. No no no no no no no," Atlanta scrambles at the sheets like that'll suddenly reveal her girlfriend. Tears immediately start falling and she takes in short, gasping breaths. The vision of the endless nothing of her Pockets fills her mind, and the idea of Boon being stuck there. And it was her fault.

Atlanta holds out her hands in front of her and tries to focus through the panic. To bring Boon back. But nothing happens.

Boon takes in her surroundings. The warm interior of Atlanta’s bedroom has been replaced by nothingness. An inky black void that feels like it stretches on for an eternity. *What the fuck!? Where am I!?* Boon looks around frantically, desperately searching for anything to get her bearings. Her heart begins to palpitate and she can feel her throat closing up. She remembers Atlanta’s face, remembers her teaching her how to control her breathing. She inhales, surprised to find that she’s able to breathe in here. She closes her eyes, there wasn’t much to see anyway. She inhales slowly, and holds it for a few seconds, then exhales, and repeats. She feels her heart in her chest beating slower, and slower. “I’m safe.”

Atlanta looks down at her shaking hands. There was nothing. Nothing except this awful moment and the tidal wave of guilt and panic. And then there's a small whimper and a wet nose pressing into her side. Brimstone's big, worried eyes gaze up at her.

"I'm sorry, Brimstone, I - I don't know how to get her back. I can’t, I *can’t*."

Brimstone crawls under Atlanta's arm to sit on her lap. He licks her face and rubs his nose on her shoulder. Atlanta hugs him as she starts to sob in earnest. Time passes. Atlanta isn't sure how long, but eventually she can almost breathe properly again. The last time this happened, her bike got shoved out of her Pockets when she Pocketed herself. Grabbing one of her throw pillows, she takes a deep breath and Pockets it.

Boon loses track of time. Knowing there isn't much she can do until her girlfriend is able to un-Pocket her she relaxes. And sure enough the cold void of the Pockets soon fades away. She can feel the warm air of Atlanta's bedroom once again, and finds herself sitting cross-legged on the bed, the pull of gravity once again giving her a sense of direction.

She opens her eyes and sure enough finds herself in the material world, sitting in front of a teary eyed Atlanta. *Oh no no no no no.* She gives Atlanta a reassuring hug. "Hey shh it's okay, I'm okay. You didn't hurt me. Everything is alright I promise."

"It's not okay! I've been there, it's not okay!" Torn between being scared to Pocket Boon again and needing the contact, she stays completely still in Boon's arms as she starts to cry again. "You should let go, what if I do it again?"

Boon doesn't let go. "Atlanta, this isn't the first endless void I've been trapped in and this one is absolutely the least threatening. There's air in there, dear, I could breathe... and relax, just like you showed me." She pulls out of the hug and holds Atlanta by the shoulders. "If it happens again I know that I can relax, and breathe, and wait for you to get me out, just like you did now. You don't- you don't need to be scared of hugging me."

“But what if I can’t get you out! What if suddenly I can pocket a lot of things at once and forcing you out by sacrificing a pillow isn’t enough? I thought I knew how the Pockets worked but I don’t and they keep doing new things and Ernest and the Consortium think they’re evil, and what if they are, and what if I do something awful that I can’t fix even without Reaper One to blame?” Atlanta covers her face with her hands. Quietly, she continues. “I Pocketed myself during the Zodiac City fiasco. I left Mithril by herself against Vic and Cambria. If I didn’t have my gems, I don’t think I could have gotten out. I haven’t used my Pockets since. I don’t, I don’t know what to do.”

Boon's lip quivers. "Oh, honey…I had no idea. That must've been so scary." Boon does her best to keep her composure so that she can be there for Atlanta, but can't help but cry a little bit herself. "Listen, Atlanta. These powers, they don't serve some will aside from your own. Trust me, I've been there. They're your powers and you have control of them. But we don't always have control over our brains."

Boon clutches at her necklace, a pair of metallic dice with holes drilled into the corners. "Um, I know you don't really know much magic, and I'm a bit out of practice myself. But one of the main principles that makes it tick is that the objects that we value are exactly as important as we believe they are." Boon looks down at the necklace in her hands. "If you need help getting your brain to listen to you, maybe something important to you could help, like an object you could swap in and out as a placeholder. And if you get...stuck…again, maybe the bond between it and yourself will help guide you home."

Suddenly exhausted, Atlanta leans forward to rest her forehead on Boon's shoulder but keeps her hands at her sides. "You sound like me when I talk to Melody about her shadow chains. Or Box. I just...Sometimes it feels like the good stuff, or the ‘It’ll be okay’ stuff only applies to other people, you know? I’ll think about the item thing...maybe it’ll be better than just leaving them empty…” Atlanta sits back and wipes her eyes. “Back when I first developed powers, I tried not to use them. It uh, didn’t turn out great. And it sucked, trying to hide and not use that part of myself. I told Ernest that I wasn’t going to do that again, that I couldn’t do that to myself again. But I don’t know what else I can do.” She pulls her knees up and wraps her arms around them, hands clenched into fists.

"Well. You know what helps with powers that grow beyond our control?" Boon reaches a hand out tentatively towards Atlanta. Her eyes show a look of determination. "I'm not going to make you do this if you don't want to. But I want you to pocket me again."

Atlanta jerks backwards. “What??? Why?”

"Because I want you to prove to yourself that you can control this. And I want you to know that even if you mess up I'll be okay." Her gaze is intense and unwavering. "I won't judge you if you decide not to. I mean, it's a lot to ask. But I trust you Atlanta."

“I don’t want to hurt you. Nothing is worth hurting you.”

"I know. That's why I know you're not going to." She lowers her hand. "But I'm not going to press you on it either. We can take time to figure this out."

Atlanta thinks for a moment, seriously considering it, before shaking her head. “Not...not right now. Sorry.” She pauses for a moment before asking quietly, “Are you sure I didn’t hurt you?”

Boon grins. "Many have tried. But it's no easy task." Her grin shifts to a warm smile "But no. I promise I'm okay. To be honest, it was kind of beautiful in a weird way. I mean, they're yours, of course they are."

Atlanta shakes her head. “There’s nothing. It’s cold and you’re alone and trapped. How is that beautiful?”

She chuckles a bit. "I spent over a year sharing a headspace. And now that I'm not I'm constantly worried about keeping up with the expectations of my peers and mother despite my newly fragile body. I could…sometimes alone in nothing is nice."

Atlanta frowns, trying to wrap her head around Boon’s perspective, but fails. “I don’t understand. But I’ll try to remember that?” She picks at a loose thread in her comforter. “I’m sorry. You came here for help and I made it about me.”

"Hey. We're a team. And both of us are human beings." She holds her arms out, motioning for Atlanta to hug her. "It's unrealistic for only one of us to need help. And lucky for us we have each other."

Atlanta hesitates, but wraps her arms around her girlfriend. After a moment more, she rests her palms against Boon’s back. Despite her best efforts, she starts to cry again. “You’re right. We are lucky. We have each other. And the team. And the rest of our friends.” She glances over at her wall of pictures, noting two faces in particular. “Well. Most of them.”

"I know. I miss them too." Boon's lip quivers and tears well in her eyes. "I miss them so much. I just hope that-" the tears begin to stream down her face, "I hope that they're happy together."

“They are. I know they are. Because they have each other. And we’re gonna be okay, too. It’s just...gonna take a while.” She leans back and wipes her eyes. A thought occurs to her, and she lets out a giggle. “Can you imagine Tay wearing one of those early 2000s pastel tracksuits? Or like, a dress with jeans? How bad do you think her fashion sense is going to get without video games to keep her occupied?”

Boon tries to stifle laughter but can't. She bursts out in a fit of giggling. "Oh gods you're right. She's gonna be so lost without us. The 90s can change a lesbian, just look at Ellen." Boon feels some guilt over poking fun at friends that aren't here anymore. But it provides some comfort to joke as if they are.

"She's gonna be like 30 by then. And tracksuits are comfy. Way more comfortable than her cool vampire outfits. Plus she has no reflection!" Atlanta collapses backwards on the bed as she laughs. "Can, can you imagine? 'It's not a phase, Ellen! They're comfortable and fashionable!'" Her eyes start to leak again as she laughs way too hard at the thought.

Boon cries too but isn't sure how much is from laughter or sadness. She lays down gently next to Atlanta. "You know. I can't help but feel like this isn't the end. Like, we'll see them again somehow. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, I don't know."

Atlanta shakes her head, no longer laughing. “No. They’re gone. If we see them again, it’s because...because this was their timeline all along. And the adult Ellen we know is our Ellen, and nothing mattered. Nothing changed. Or something terrible happened. They LEFT, Boon. They’re not coming back. Maybe thinking otherwise is comforting to you, but...the only way for me to move on is to accept that this is our life now. I’ve done this before. It’s not, you know, as bad, since I know they’re safe and happy...but that’s what I need to do.”

“Yeah you’re-” Boon is sure where the tears are from now. She sighs. “You’re right…I had to go through the same thing with my Dad, I just- I need time to be in denial. I won’t- I won’t bring it up like that again. I’m sorry.”

Atlanta rolls over and cuddles into Boon's side. "Sorry. It's okay if you need that. I just...need something different."

Brimstone pads over and rests his chin on Boon’s other side, tongue lolling out and a bit of frosting on his muzzle.

Atlanta giggles and boops Brimstone on the nose. “Bad dog,” she says, scratching behind his ears.

*He always knows exactly when to lighten the mood doesn’t he.* “Noooo,” Boon scratches his chin. “He’s perfeeect.” The laughter returns again. “He’s such a good boy.” Her face gets momentarily serious. “There’s no chocolate in any of these right?”

“Nope. No chocolate.” Atlanta stays there, petting Brimstone and enjoying Boon’s grounding presence, for a few blissful minutes. “Hey so...do you want to stay?”

“Yeah. I- I’d love that.” Boon smiles lovingly at Atlanta and rests her head down on the pillow. “I love you Atlanta. So much.”

“I love you, too.”

Atlanta rests her arm across Boon's stomach and listens to the other girl breathe. Brimstone settles in as well, and is soon snoring softly. It's not long before Boon falls asleep as well. Atlanta lays there, exhausted from the stress and the crying, but unable to sleep yet. Boon's words from earlier kept going through her mind.

Eventually, she comes to a decision. With care not to wake up Boon or Brimstone, she gets out of bed and walks across the room to her backpack. Tucked into a front pocket is a coin with a cupcake on one side and a lightning bolt on the other: Boon's present to her on Valentine's Day. With it firmly grasped in her hand, she crawls back into bed.

It takes a few minutes longer for Atlanta to psych herself up to actually try her idea. She focuses, and the throw pillow she'd Pocketed to get Boon out appears in her hands. Taking a deep breath, she runs her thumb over the coin, tracing the patterns like she did whenever she was feeling anxious. The coin disappears into her Pockets.

I hope that's enough, Atlanta thinks. She isn't sure it will be enough, or help at all. The fear isn't gone, or even lessened, but the act of trying to take control calms her. It's a step, and she decides to take her advice to Boon, and accept that a small step is good enough for today.