Fake TPOT 42: The Password Is "Family"/part 2

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"**The Password Is Family**" is the main part of the non-canon forty-second episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 25 October 1987. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known as "**Plus Meets Minus (The Password Is Made)**".

Next episode: "Ten Is Enough"

## Contest

### 100 Puzzle, redo

* **P****e****n**: Okay! We're replacing the puzzle, and I swear I won't say another word for the rest of the '80s.

[*Laughter, followed by silence.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Say something!
* **P****e****n**: Something. [*Laughter.*] No, that was bad. Aaahhh, Golf Ball, because of our mishap earlier, you get to start us off with the first word, and that word will show up on your Minotaurs, hup- *monitors* right now.
* **Golf Ball**: *Our* little mishap.
* **Co****i****ny**: *Minotaurs*.
* **P****e****n**: I can say that, I'm Greek. [*Laughter.*]

[*Be-be-be-beep! The password appears:* **ORIGINAL**.]

* **Golf Ball**: *First*.
* **Fl****ow****er**: **FLOWER**. [*Laughter.*] Sorry, I was thinking of BFB, alongside myself.
* **Co****i****ny**: *Sin*.
* **Le****a****f****y**: **ORIGINAL**!

[*Ding! Applause.*]

* **P****e****n**: Yes. [*as* **ORIGINAL** *is revealed on the board*] We have on the board *original*, so... Leafy?
* **Le****a****f****y**: **SIN**.
* **P****e****n**: Is it *sin?*

[*Bzzt!*]

* **P****e****n**: No, but good clue. Next word, Coiny, if you will.

[*Be-be-be-beep! The password appears:* **STOLEN**.]

* **Co****i****ny**: *Abducted*.
* **Le****a****f****y**: A... uh... [*Bzzt!*] I don't like that word!
* **Co****i****ny**: Oof, I'm sorry.
* **Le****a****f****y**: No, you're good.
* **Golf Ball**: *Purloined*.
* **Fl****ow****er**: **STEALED**!

[*Wih-wih!*]

* **P****e****n**: Form of the word, Flower.
* **Fl****ow****er**: St... stea... **STOLEN**.

[*Ding! Applause.*]

* **Fl****ow****er**: I barely passed grammar school.
* **Golf Ball**: Clearly.
* **P****e****n**: [*as* **STOLEN** *is revealed on the board*] On the board, Flower, we have *original* and *stolen*.
* **Fl****ow****er**: Is it... ***BORDS DE LA SEINE A BOUGIVAL***? [*Chatter.*]
* **P****e****n**: Is it *Bords de la Seine à...* what?
* **Fl****ow****er**: Bougival.
* **P****e****n**: Is it *Bougival*?

[*Bzzt bzzt! Flower looks at Pen as if he's pronounced it wrong.*]

* **P****e****n**: I must repeat it, no matter how silly it sounds. You try standing up here, eh? /j
* **Fl****ow****er**: I should have known it wasn't that. Where I come from, we receive Earthly news selectively.
* **P****e****n**: Oho, next word, please, and it's your turn, Golf Ball.

[*Be-be-be-beep! The password appears:* **PRIZE**.].

* **Golf Ball**: *Prix*.
* **Fl****ow****er**: [*French accent*] **GRAND**.
* **P****e****n**: I see we're going Gallic. Monsieur?
* **Co****i****ny**: *Monetary*.
* **Le****a****f****y**: **DONATION**!
* **Golf Ball**: *Fighting*.
* **Fl****ow****er**: A... **PRIZE**.

[*Ding! Applause.*]

* **Fl****ow****er**: What?! I was going to say *funeral*. [*Laughter.*]
* **P****e****n**: Well, you got it, Flower! [*as* **PRIZE** *is revealed on the board*] *Original*, *stolen* and *prize*...
* **Fl****ow****er**: **A BFDI**. [*Applause.*] I do remember fighting for that prize.
* **Golf Ball**: We all do, Flower.
* **P****e****n**: Excellent guess! Is it *a BFDI*?

[*Bzzt!*]

* **P****e****n**: I was sure it would be, seeing how... [*realizing*] And... moving right along. Golf Ball, your guess again. [*Scattered laughter from the audience.*] I promised 'em I wouldn't blow it, I really did!

[*Be-be-be-beep! The password appears:* **BFDI**.]

* **P****e****n**: Aha!
* **Golf Ball**: *Series*.
* **Fl****ow****er**: ***THE CARS-BY SHOW***. [*Quiet laughter.*]
* **Co****i****ny**: *First*.
* **Le****a****f****y**: **TELEVISION**.
* **P****e****n**: Alright, Golf Ball?
* **Golf Ball**: *Us*.
* **Fl****ow****er**: [*Pause.*] **TPOT**?
* **P****e****n**: Fourth and final clue, Coiny.
* **Co****i****ny**: *Season*!
* **Le****a****f****y**: *First*, *series*, *us*, *season*... Ooh... **BFDI**!

[*Ding! Applause.*]

* **P****e****n**: There you are, Leafy. [*as* **BFDI** *is revealed on the board*] Hey, I just noticed that everyone sitting here competed in BFDI! Isn't that something?
* **Golf Ball**: Not really; it shows that viewers are more inclined to keep original contestants in the game than they are newcomers. A sure bias on the part of someone, hmm. [*looks beyond the camera and directly at the author*]
* **P****e****n**: Okay, Leafy, on the board, we have *original*, *stolen*, *prize* and... *BFDI*. Yikes.

[*Pen makes a cringing noise, as do most of the audience.*]

* **Le****a****f****y**: [*sigh*] Is it... [*raises her hand halfway*] **DREAM ISLAND**?
* **P****e****n**: Is it... *Dream Islaaaaand*?

[*Multiple dings and applause as the puzzle-word,* **DREAM ISLAND**, *is revealed on the board.*]

* **Le****a****f****y**: Yaaaay...
* **P****e****n**: Now, wait a minute, that's not very nice!
* **Le****a****f****y**: Pen, I'm fine. It was 24 years ago.
* **P****e****n**: No! [*as* **LEAFY** *appears on the board*] This lady shouldn't be reminded of something that happened half a century ago, let alone have her name appear on the board! Y'know, I think whoever makes these puzzles ought to be fired! [*looks down*] What d'yas think down there?
* **Q****.****T.**: [*off-screen*] A computer generates the puzzles, sir.
* **P****e****n**: To hell with the computer!

[*Q.T. shrugs.*]

* **P****e****n**: Okay... um... I'm sorry you had to see that, gang. But I think everyone here should feel good while they play *Still TPOT*, eh, and mentioning such a terrible incident does nothing to help that. We'll... we will come back as soon as we sort these things out. Until then, please don't go away. [*smiles slightly*]

[*Music, applause and fading dialogue.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Well, this is awkward.
* **Fl****ow****er**: Yeah, I saw you people chasing Leafy out of town in BFDIA 1. Even the host!
* **P****e****n**: *I know that, Flower!* [*to Leafy*] You okay, buddy? If you want, I can ask for some apple juice, I mean, water.
* **Le****a****f****y**: No thanks, I'm a staunch prohibitionist. But there's something I have to tell you guys...

[*The scene fades out on a view of Firey Jr., looking pityingly at his mother—he hasn't seen her since 1971, but he knows she's still trying to live with it after all these years.*]

## Fovitwe scene

[**Gaty**, **Saw**, **Genderfluid Book** *and* **Bok** *proper are trying to free* **Pencil** *(to whom the first two have been compared) from the hole into which the first three had put her in their "Plan B". Pencil doesn't look very amused.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: This is the best you lot could get? Nobody?
* **B****o****k**: I'm sorry, but I think all the on-set construction workers followed Match.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Typical. And who follows me? Not an alliance, that's who!
* **B****o****k**: Don't worry, Pencil, we'll get you out of here.
* **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**: How did you even make up so quickly anyway, Bok? I thought you hated her!
* **B****o****k**: [*Aside.*] Shh!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm very easy to trust.
* **G****at****y**: Dig faster!

[*Pencil wiggles out of the hole and frees herself—she falls onto the ground.*]

* **S****aw**: Or she could just do that.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye. Just that. Oof.

[*She gets up and dusts herself off.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Anyway, since I assume that we're now ready to be friendly with one another, how about you all join Bok and me for a trip to Moderation Island?
* **S****aw**: And watch Pen's show?
* **G****at****y**: No, Saw, to celebrate that they haven't legalized equal marriage over there. /s

[*Saw laughs.*]

* **G****at****y**: I'm sorry, Pencil, but we're going to have to pass on that.
* **S****aw**: Yeah, G***8***y and I must pack for later. We have to be off the set by midnight.
* **G****at****y**: Alright, Bok, see you round!
* **B****o****k**: Yeah, again!
* **Gen****der****flu****id** **Boo****k**: Ring us!

[*Exeunt* **Gaty**, **Saw** *and* **Genderfluid Bok**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Then I guess it's just you and me, Bok. Ah, too bad we haven't got a means of transport to get there.
* **B****o****k**: Well... I do have this.

[*Bok reveals a small treasure chest.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, it's the FreeSmart Supervan!
* **B****o****k**: Yes, Ruby gave it to me the last time I saw her. She told me to open it when the stars align. Or is it when the stars begin to fall?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, let's just say the stars are aligned and fallen and get it over with. Bok-o?
* **B****o****k**: Right-o.

[*Bok opens the chest and out pops the FreeSmart Supervan. She and Pencil scream in excitement.*]

* **B****o****k**: Should I shut up and get in the van, Pencil? /j
* **P****e****nci****l**: Absolutely not. As a semi-reformed person, I decree that you shall be as loud as you want.
* **B****o****k**: Yes! Wait, before we go, I still have to do the challenge.

[*Bok throws her ball over the buildings and it disappears completely.*]

* **B****o****k**: Sorry, I am not the most athletic person around here.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Shh, I'm willing to bend the rules and say you got it in.

[*They both laugh, but are interrupted by the sound of someone's voice.*]

* **Voice**: Ooouuuuu.

[*Pencil and Bok turn to see* **Eraser** *on the ground. He has been napping on the grass.*]

* **B****o****k**: Eraser?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Why are you lying on the ground like an idiot?
* **B****o****k**: Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sorry, an "ID10T".
* **Eraser**: Detente? Didn't know you were into the politicals and stuff.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Eraser, get up. Bok and I are going to Moderation Island to see your brother's show. Want to come?
* **Eraser**: I don't know. Pen called me earlier and said the set's full of pentagons. I *dread* those things, bruh! Besides, I was gonna watch it as soon as it came on TV, safe at home and away from the p- pentagons!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, but just so you know, I'm driving there as fast as I can.
* **Eraser**: Well, chiz, I'm going now!

[**Eraser** *gets up and rushes into the van.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Why'd you change your mind so quickly?
* **Eraser**: [*peeking his head out*] 'Cause you're gonna break the law!
* **B****o****k**: [*Aside, to Pen.*] Funny, I thought he'd be more excited to see his brother.
* **P****e****nci****l**: He's transferred that excitation to me. But then again, I've always had it.

[*Confused, Bok looks at Pencil, who raises her eyebrow.*]

## Contest

[*Return from commercial break.* **Flower**, **Golf Ball**, **Pen**, **Coiny** *and* **Leafy** *are in the same places they were before. Applause.*]

* **P****e****n**: Here we are! Leafy now has 100 francs and Golf Ball, I mean *Coiny*, has 10 points.
* **Co****i****ny**: I do!
* **P****e****n**: But first of all, I want all of you to look at this. [*holds up a YeFone*]
* **Man #4**: What the frick is that? [*Laughter.*]
* **P****e****n**: This is a YeFone, the latest in cutting-edge technology. [*imitates a sword*] *Zhoom!*
* **Fl****ow****er**: Come on, you get to advertise that Earth device but I can't mention GelFlo Couture?
* **Le****a****f****y**: It's my YeFone, Flower.
* **P****e****n**: Yes, and you have an announcement to make about it, don't you?
* **Le****a****f****y**: I do. [*takes her phone and looks at the audience*] I have no problem with people joking that I "stole" Dream Island in the finale. It was a folly I committed in my immoral youth, and I have already suffered the consequences. God has given me the gift of being spiritually mature in these hedonistic, image-obsessed days in which we are living. [*Applause.*] And to prove that I've been totally cleansed, I'd like you all to check out my Indus-Gram!
* **P****e****n**: Under the name **LeafyThePastorsHusbandsWife** she posts about "Leafy stole Dream Island"—what d'you call 'em again, *memes*? [*Leafy nods.*] I've just taken a look at them, and they're really funny. You should all take a look.
* **Fl****ow****er**: But only when you're wearing something from GelFlo Couture, okay?

[*Laughter and applause. Pen receives a signal from the audience and nods.*]

### 200 Puzzle

* **P****e****n**: Okay! Ibtisam, our cue-giver, has just given me the cue that we've got a new puzzle 'cause we have a new puzzle-writer. Thanks down there. [*Light applause.*] Y'know, we have just about the sweetest crew in the world working behind the scenes of *STPOT*. Boy, I wish you could meet 'em. They're just terrific. And I really mean that, as a matter of fact—they've made us feel absolutely welcome here on Moderation Island, so how about we thank them for that, eh?

[*Great applause.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: Does this mean we can go home now? /j
* **P****e****n**: [*chuckles*] No, no, sir, we still have the pivotal 200 Puzzle... so named because if you get it right... you get 200 francs. [*Light laughter.*] So if you're ready to go, Flower and Leafy will be giving the clues, and your first word, Flower, should be coming up... now.

[*Be-be-be-beep! The password appears:* **GORGEOUS**.]

* **P****e****n**: Okay, Flower?
* **Fl****ow****er**: [*doing the "Truly ethereal" gesture from BFB 7*] *Glamorous*.
* **Golf Ball**: [*confused*] Um... **SUPERFLUOUS**. [*Ee-ee-ee!*]
* **P****e****n**: What is it?
* **Ra****jk****o**: Ms. Flower gestured excessively.
* **Fl****ow****er**: I can't help it, it's a natural reaction to beauty-related words!
* **P****e****n**: So that means it's your turn, Leafy.
* **Golf Ball**: Wait a minute, how is the password not *superfluous*?
* **Fl****ow****er**: Because glamour is rarely an afterthought. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. [*Laughter, as Golf Ball makes the same face she made in BFB 13.*] Oh, Plant Buddy, it's your turn!
* **Le****a****f****y**: Yep! Er... *beautiful*.
* **Co****i****ny**: **GORGEOUS**! I mean... [*deep voice*] *gorgeous*.

[*Ding! Applause.*]

* **P****e****n**: [*deep voice*] Oh yeah, gnarly clue, bro. [*as* **GORGEOUS** *is revealed on the board*] For the game, *gorgeous*!
* **Co****i****ny**: Uh, I think I can answer that. Is it my wife, **PIN**?
* **P****e****n**: Is it my wife, Pin? [*Laughter, as Pen slowly looks at the camera.*] Oh, God.
* **Co****i****ny**: You're in big trouble, mister.

[*View of the front of the audience.*]

* **P****e****n**: Gee, imagine if my girlfriend found out I said Pin was *my* wife instead of yours!

[*Anat freezes.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: [*imitating Pencil*] Time fo' the hendcarffs, you cheeky ickle devil!

[*Laughter, especially from Pen.*]

* **P****e****n**: Is that what you think she sounds like? Get outta here! [*Laughter.*] No, J-K-kidding, I love you, man.
* **A****na****t**: [*whispering*] *Girlfriend?*

[*She hurries to the door at the side of the stage while the game continues in the background. Her departure is noticed only by* **Grim**, *who waves at her.*]

* **G****r****i****m**: The show is going very well. Nice puzzle, by the way.
* **A****na****t**: Not for me! I just found out Pen has a girlfriend!
* **G****r****i****m**: Duh. You really think a *beau mec* like him can live single? And what's the problem?
* **A****na****t**: You'll see.
* **G****r****i****m**: Wha, what's—

[*Anat pushes Grim to where she was standing in the audience.*]

* **G****r****i****m**: Why do this, Anat?
* **A****na****t**: If you need me, I'll be watching *RALF* in the waiting room.

[*Exit* **Anat** *in a hurry. Meanwhile, on stage, we see that the second password is* **TEMPORARY**, *and it's Coiny's turn to guess.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: **TEMPORARY**.

[*Ding! Applause.*]

* **P****e****n**: Yes! [*as* **TEMPORARY** *is revealed on the board*] For the game, big fella, *temporarily gorgeous*. What could it possibly be?
* **Co****i****ny**: Is it... my wife, **PIN**?
* **P****e****n**: There seems to be an echo here. Is it *his wife, Pin?*

[*Bzzt! Louder laughter.*]

* **P****e****n**: See, I'm not the only one with a rotten mind.
* **Fl****ow****er**: You boys are awful.
* **Co****i****ny**: Well, they say beauty's fleeting.
* **Le****a****f****y**: [*unusually deep voice*] Bible quote.
* **Fl****ow****er**: Scoff!

[*In the audience, a mix of laughter and scattered boos for Coiny's remark. Meanwhile, Pin is on the floor laughing.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Oh, cut it out, will you? Pin and I joke like that all the time; in fact she says I'm going to be a wrinkly old elf by the time TPOT's over! [*Laughter.*]
* **P****e****n**: Haha... next word, please?

[*Be-be-be-beep! The password appears:* **HOST**.]

* **P****e****n**: [*giddy*] Ooh, I know this one, I just do! [*jumps in place*]
* **Golf Ball**: Well, don't say it now. [*Laughter.*]
* **Fl****ow****er**: Yeah.
* **P****e****n**: Leafy, your turn.
* **Le****a****f****y**: *Moderator*.
* **Co****i****ny**: **ISLAND-ATER**. [*Ee-ee-ee!*]
* **P****e****n**: I don't think that's a word. Is it, Mag?

[*Backstage, we see Magdi checking himself with a magnifying glass (like Bok did in episode 25).*]

* **M****a****gd****i**: *Island-ater* is most certainly not a word.
* **Co****i****ny**: Sweet Jiminy!

[*Back to scene.*]

* **P****e****n**: Thought so. Flower?
* **Fl****ow****er**: Um... *speaker*.
* **Golf Ball**: **BOX**.
* **P****e****n**: Alright, Leafy again.
* **Le****a****f****y**: *Heavenly*.
* **Co****i****ny**: [*confused*] It can't be Announcer, 'cause he's not a— [*Bzzt!*] Oh, chiz.
* **P****e****n**: Flower, fourth and final clue.
* **Fl****ow****er**: Hmm. *Two*.
* **Golf Ball**: **HOST**!

[*Ding! Applause.*]

* **P****e****n**: Perfect clue! [*as* **HOST** *is revealed on the board*] For the game, GB: *gorgeous*, *temporary*, *host*.
* **Golf Ball**: I don't like this. Is it you, **PEN**?
* **P****e****n**: Is it *me?*

[*Multiple dings and applause as the puzzle-word,* **PEN <3**, *is revealed on the board.*]

* **P****e****n**: Oh! [*raises his arms in celebration*] *Yeeeeessssss!* Oh my God, it *is* me!
* **Golf Ball**: It looks as if you're worth less than three. [*Aside.*] Three IQ points.
* **Fl****ow****er**: Shush, he's happy.
* **P****e****n**: This, this is *awesome!* Nice goin', whoever wrote that! You were like... [*finger-guns the camera*] *bang!* Right on! Oo-hoo, let's see what you didn't need there.

[*The rest of the panels open, revealing the words* **MARRY** *and* **ME**. *Loud reactions from the audience. Pen seems unfazed by this, still beaming.*]

* **P****e****n**: And you didn't need **MARRY** *or* **ME**! Oh, boy, I'm... I'm speechless. I mean, I'm not literally speechless 'cause I'm talking right now, but... ah, that's terrific. Just terrific. You don't know how happy you're makin' me. This has got to be a once-in-a-lifetime thing, being the answer to a puzzle like that, whoo!

[*Applause.*]

* **Golf Ball**: So do I get 20 more points or not?
* **P****e****n**: You sure do, GB! And Flower, you get 200 francs... [*Flower gasps.*] And both of you get a chance to play the end game riiiiight—

[*Ibtisam's screen flashes.*]

* **P****e****n**: After the Ksh-word Round, which will take place right after this commercial break, so we'll be back after that. Won't you stick around for more *Still TPOT*? I know you will. [*winks*]

[*Music, applause and faded dialogue.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Who could have written that?
* **P****e****n**: Ah, if only my sweetheart were here to see this. I'm sure she'd find it so amusing that someone wants to marry me!
* **Fl****ow****er**: Weren't you proposed to, like, five times?
* **P****e****n**: Six times!

#### Backstage

[*As the conversations and off-air antics continue in the background,* **Anat** *is lying on the sofa in the waiting room and watching the Algebralien version of the object version of* ALF. **Gelatin** *and* **Teardrop** *are with her, albeit playing on their phones.*]

* **A****na****t**: The show is already about alien life-forms; why dub it?

[*Enter* **Grim**.]

* **G****r****i****m**: Hey, you.
* **A****na****t**: Oh, you are not where I was. Are we at the advertising break?
* **G****r****i****m**: Why do you think I stand here? To block your view of the audience guy who juggles his own eyes?
* **Teardrop**: [*Aside.*]  Is *that* what that was?
* **A****na****t**: I hope he was at least somewhat amused by my puzzle.
* **G****r****i****m**: You proposed to him.
* **A****na****t**: Through a board made of raw materials.
* **G****r****i****m**: You *proposed* to him.
* **A****na****t**: It was before I knew he had a girlfriend.
* **G****r****i****m**: You *propo—*
* **A****na****t**: Yes, I tried, and will you stop saying that? I deeply regret it and I plan to apologize eventually! After all, Anat Kratunmf does not chase after guys who are taken.
* **G****r****i****m**: Eh, good. You are lucky he doesn't seem to be affected by it. Let's hope you don't say anything to him at the *après-pilote* after-party.
* **Gela****tin**: [*looking up*] Party?
* **G****r****i****m**: Yes, after the first taping of a possible show, we typically have a party in the ballroom that's next to this building.

[*View of outside the studio, which zooms out to reveal an adjacent building labelled "Ballroom/قاعة رقص/Balska sala/Balo salonu/אולם אירועים".*]

* **Gela****tin**: Wow, that sounds super rad! Want to go, TD?
* **Teardrop**:  *Ja*.
* **A****na****t**: I'm sorry, but you're just players.
* **Gela****tin**: Sure, *I'm* the one who chased after a taken guy. /s [*high-fives Teardrop*]
* **A****na****t**: Ò!

[*Grim snorts.*]

## Road scene

[**Pencil** *is driving the FreeSmart Supervan through the Nubian Desert. Bok sits in the passenger seat while* **Eraser** *enjoys having the back seat to himself. He is listening to music on his large headphones and has a very relaxed expression on.*]

* **Eraser**: Aaah.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Everything alright over there?
* **Eraser**: Sure.
* **B****o****k**: [*turning around*] You're not even listening!
* **Eraser**: [*taking out his headphones*] Like hell I'm not. The Grapefruit Dead sounds awesome in this format!

[*Pencil and Bok laugh, aside. Suddenly, the phone rings.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, Bok, can you get that please? I'm driving.
* **B****o****k**: Can't you get it yourself?
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, I'm not driving whilst distracted; that would make me an abomination to society.

[*Bok takes Pencil's phone and presses a button on it.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Make sure to put it on speaker.
* **B****o****k**: I know what to do, I hope.

[*Bok holds up the phone in front of Pencil, who is otherwise diligently watching the road.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Hello?
* **P****e****n**: [*on the other side*] Hey, babe.
* **B****o****k**: Why can I *hear* him smirking?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Pen, let's not wax romantic now, I've got other people with me.
* **P****e****n**: Other people, eh?
* **B****o****k**: Hey, Pencil's boyfriend!
* **P****e****n**: Is that Bok, dear? I thought she hated you!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye... well, we've made up. Eraser's with me too. Eraser, say hello to your brother.

[*Bok holds Pencil's phone up to Eraser, who is now snoring.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Hear him?
* **P****e****n**: Ahah, classic Rase. Anyway, Penc, I've got some great news!
* **P****e****nci****l**: You were the answer to one of those word puzzles you've been talking about.
* **P****e****n**: Hey, how'd you know?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I figured you'd make the show all about you.
* **P****e****n**: Thanks, Penc. Yeah, no, I found out earlier that they might give me a whole season!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Really? That's terrific!
* **P****e****n**: Sure is! If the whole Equation Playground starts watching me, my fan club will grow by infinity percent!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Please, if *I* start watching you, your fan club will grow by infinity percent. /j

[*Bok lets out a chuckle.*]

* **P****e****n**: [*not getting it*] Uh.
* **P****e****nci****l**: So I assume this means you're quitting *TPOT*, innit?
* **P****e****n**: Omg, I hope not. I heard some of the crew talking about it earlier: they're going to let me host *STPOT* for the whole break, and then we'll be back to *The Power of Two*.
* **P****e****nci****l**: *STPOT*?
* **B****o****k**: That's the name of his show. [*Beat.*] Have you seen the gossip magazines?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, as I say with all things work-related, take it! I want to see you on network telly!
* **P****e****n**: *If* I get it. My make-up artist said it's quite hard to get in.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, why shouldn't everything get served to you on a plastic plate? When people hear my name, they hang up the phone, while you get instantly recognized for your extensive contest experience and hardly anybody considers you problematic.
* **P****e****n**: Aww, Penc! Shower me with praise all you want, but I gotta get out of this washroom soon, darling. I'm on in twenty seconds!
* **P****e****nci****l**: My bad. Shall I let you go then?
* **P****e****n**: Mm-hmm.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Bye!
* **P****e****n**: Love ya, ciao! Mwah!

[*Bok hangs up and Pencil sighs.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: He'll be my responsibility until the day I die.
* **B****o****k**: Hey, Pencil?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes?
* **B****o****k**: How does one drive to an island?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, we've jumped this thing through the Evil Canyon and crossed the Goiky Canal too. I don't see how we can't go 300 miles across the Mediterranean in one of those ways.
* **B****o****k**: Hmm, good point. I say we—
* **[** **B****o****k** · **P****e****nci****l** **]**: **[** Drive underwater · Jump the sea. **]**

[*Bok and Pencil look at each other as Eraser lightly snorts in his sleep.*]

## Contest

### Ksh-word Round

[*After the commercial break. The quintet of* **Flower**, **Golf Ball**, **Pen**, **Coiny** *and* **Leafy** *are situated in the same places as before, and it appears to be the middle of the Ksh-word Round: The word* **SORRY** *appears on the screen, and it's Golf Ball's job to give clues to Flower so she can win dough.*]

* **Golf Ball**: *Apologize*.
* **Fl****ow****er**: Um... I know this is something people typically do when they do something wrong, but... it's on the tip of my tongue, honest to Flower. [*Bzzt!*]
* **P****e****n**: Clue #2.
* **Golf Ball**: *Saying*.
* **Fl****ow****er**: **CONDOLENCE**?
* **P****e****n**: Clue #3.
* **Golf Ball**: Hmm... [*looks at Pen*] *Canadian*.
* **P****e****n**: Hahaha!
* **Fl****ow****er**: Uh... I... have no idea.

[*Bzzt! Groans from the audience.*]

* **P****e****n**: Oh, sorry. If you could guess again, Flower... No, wait. I gotta ask you this out of curiosity: What d'ya think our people are most famous for?
* **Fl****ow****er**: Maple syrup, French immigrants and Baloni Mitchell? [*Laughter.*]
* **P****e****n**: I was thinking saying *sorry*.
* **Fl****ow****er**: Oohhhh. Sore-y.
* **P****e****n**: Yeah.

[*Beat.*]

* **Golf Ball**: You said that *word twice already, so she **couldn't have guessed again!***
* **P****e****n**: Aw, I did? I'm sorry. [*Laughter.*]
* **Co****i****ny**: You can take the pen out of Canada, but you can't take the Canada out of the pen.

[*Laughter, especially from Pen's relatives (most of whom were born there).*]

* **Co****i****ny**: It's true, people! No, you're still cool in my book, 🅱️enedict.
* **P****e****n**: Thanks, Coiniel. Flower, I'm real sorry... [*Laughter, as Pen facepalms.*] Oh, give me a break, this is meant to be genuine!
* **Fl****ow****er**: Sorry I don't get extra money and GB doesn't get to play in the end round?
* **P****e****n**: That's correct, my dear. But you do end up with the same nice parting gifts that Teardrop got, thanks to the nice folks here at Spinalonga Studios.
* **Fl****ow****er**: South American cheeses, huh. Well, I already won BFB, so that's good enough for me.
* **Golf Ball**: Not good enough! Not good enough!
* **P****e****n**: And it was nice to see you again after your BFB victory. As they say where I'm from, *kali tihi*, Flower. [*shakes her hand*] Which means Coiny gets to play against Remote in the end game... [*Applause.*] That comes right after the break, so stay tuned for more *Still TPOT—*I promise you're going to love it. See ya! [*salutes the audience*]

### Break

[*Music, applause and continuing dialogue during the commercial break. Many in the audience get up to have a toilet break or stroll through the studio, while those on stage just talk among themselves. Of course, the crew continues to work. In the audience, we see* **Aristotelis** *chatting happily with* **Katarzyna** *and* **Match**—*they are reunited for the first time in twenty years.* *Ari gets up and walks towards the stage, which no non-contestant is allowed to enter, and is quickly stopped by* **Anat**.]

* **A****na****t**: *Excusez-moi, monsieur, mais vous ne pouvez pas être ici.* [*Subtitles: "u cant b here"*]
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: *Je suis le hôte's père*, Pen is my son!
* **A****na****t**: Oh. You do look similar. Go ahead then.

[*Meanwhile.*]

* **P****e****n**: Do you guys think I can talk about Pencil without mentioning her name?
* **Co****i****ny**: You can't even talk about the Cold War without mentioning her name.
* **Le****a****f****y**: That was mean!
* **P****e****n**: Coiny's quite the comedian, eh? I bet Pencil—

[*Golf Ball notices Aristotelis looking in Pen's direction.*]

* **Golf Ball**: There is a living being over there seemingly wanting to speak with you. [*indicates Ari*]
* **P****e****n**: Hey, that's one of my family. It's been so long that I can't remember who it is! Please excuse me for a moment.

[**Pen** *walks off and greets Ari (whom he does not recognize).*]

* **P****e****n**: Hi there.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: I knew you should have kept your glasses on.

[*Pen's eyes go big.*]

* **P****e****n**: Dad?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: That's me.
* **P****e****n**: It is you! How's it going?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Fine.
* **P****e****n**: "And welcome to my show," he says nervously.

[*Pen shakes his hand in a businessman-like fashion.*]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Come on, Benedetto, you're act like you don't know what your own father looks like.
* **P****e****n**: Of course I do! Didn't think you'd look like *this*—no offence—'cause I just thought you'd be...
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Younger? I haven't seen you in a decade!
* **P****e****n**: I know, I know, and I'm real sorry about that. But you're here now, Dad, and that's all that matters. Even if you'll be off with the rest of 'em and I'll have to go through your list before I see you again, eh?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: List? What are you talking about?
* **P****e****n**: The list of suggestions, y'know, from when you last called me.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Suggestions... Oh yeah. Well, here's a big one for you.
* **P****e****n**: [*turning away and holding out his hand*] Just give me! I'm good at following directions!
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: No, you're not, and you never were. You were a very rebellious child, teenager and, as we see here... [*points at the set*] adult. But I'm sure I can trust you to follow just this one.
* **P****e****n**: Wha, what's that?

[*Ari puts his hand on Pen's shoulder and shakes him.*]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: *Please* come home for the break! Don't you know our time on this island is limited? I don't want this to be the only time I see you in the *next* eight years!
* **P****e****n**: But...
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: So much has changed since I lost saw you. Some people died, some people came back to life... You have six new nieces and nephews.
* **P****e****n**: Aww, I do?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: They support their TPOTer uncle all the way. [*Pen smiles a bit.*] But you won't get to meet them if you're always here. Everyone wants you to come home, our little superstar.
* **P****e****n**: Thought you only called Eraser that.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Are you kidding? You have status now! [*points at the set*]
* **P****e****n**: Oh, I really want to go home so badly!

[*Enter* **Q.T.**, *who steps between Pen and his father.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: Ninety seconds till showtime, Pen. [*Exit.*]
* **P****e****n**: Right.

[*Pen starts to walk off, but stops.*]

* **P****e****n**: Um.... Dad?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Yes, Ben.
* **P****e****n**: Are you proud of me?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Of course. Of my three kids, you're the last one in the game.
* **P****e****n**: Well... Match is co-hosting the other contest we're having.

[*Ari points to Match, who is sitting in the audience and showing Kat (her mother) something funny on her phone.*]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: If that's what hosting is, then I'm not an inventor. You are the only one who's *making* something out of his life, so I'm very proud of you.
* **P****e****n**: You mean that?
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Is Kojak Greek?

[*Pen laughs a bit.*]

* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: Benny... I'm sure your mother—may her memory still be a blessing—would be more than delighted to see how you're doing. [*Pen tries to hold back tears and gives his father a hug.*]
* **P****e****n**: Thanks, *Papà*. *S'agapo*.
* **A****r****i****s****tote****l****i****s**: I love you too, my boy.

[*View of the scene from Firey Jr.'s perspective:* **Aristotelis** *mouths some words to Pen and goes back into the audience. Pen waves after him with a nostalgic smile. Firey Jr. resolutely jumps onto the stage (not stopped by anyone) and leaps into the arms of Leafy, who stares off into space.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Accept me as your own, woman!
* **Le****a****f****y**: [*gasps*] Who are you?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Can't you take a hint with all this boring family chiz going on?

[*Leafy gasps again.*]

* **Le****a****f****y**: Junior?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Yes, it's me!
* **Le****a****f****y**: Oh, I can't believe it's *you*, my previously-assumed-to-be-lost son! Thank the good Lord that you are alive and well and... you've grown very little since I last saw you. [*pinches her fingers*] I can still try to pinch your cheek like I do your father's and I'll accidentally squash your whole body instead!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Thanks. By the way, while you were relishing in my absence, I was floating in the ocean with a Hebrewess, a robotic atheist and an Ice Cube worshipper.
* **Le****a****f****y**: [*smiling*] I'm so blessed that you can see life from others' points of view.

[*Enter* **Emre Eşgüdüm**.]

* **Emre** **Eşgüdüm**: Hey, Leafy, it's time for you to go backstage for Numberics. Gelatin's already waiting. Well, no. He's on his phone, so I can only assume he's waiting.
* **Le****a****f****y**: So he is! Nice talking to you, Junior!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Wait, Leafy, how am I going to get home? Can I be your stowaway?
* **Le****a****f****y**: [*going up*] We'll talk later!

[*Exit* **Leafy**. *This scene has attracted the attention of Coiny, who is still sitting at the table. He watches Pen hurry at top speed to the End Game Zone (where* **Remote** *is sitting) while admiring himself in the screen at the back of the studio.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Wow.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Yes, I have a mother!
* **Co****i****ny**: Hey, hey, GB, you're going to hate this!
* **Golf Ball**: What?
* **Co****i****ny**: Every part of the table is clean, except for this tiny speck of talking dust here. [*points at Firey Jr.*]
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Wait, what?

[*Coiny flings* **Firey Jr.** *into the audience, oblivious to the fact that he just spoke to him.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: [*from the audience*] ***Tackfricker!***
* **Q****.****T.**: Coiny, End Game Zone, now!
* **Co****i****ny**: Sorry, dude!

[*Coiny runs over.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: We are on in 3... 2...

### Numberics "End Game"

[*At the End Game Zone, a separate part of the set.* **Remote** *and* **Coiny** *are already there; Remote is looking over at a board that Coiny cannot see, and Pen makes his way to the middle of them both.*]

* **P****e****n**: Hullo! We're back, here to play the Numberics round with Remote and Coiny, and I am super happy right now! Thanks, Dad.

[*Applause, as Pen looks at his family in the audience. He puts his hands on both Remote's and Coiny's shoulders.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: What are you doing?
* **P****e****n**: Just giving you two a little squeeze for good luck.
* **Co****i****ny**: Who needs luck? I don't need luck! Luck is a lie!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Then what do people get when they pick up a penny like you?
* **Co****i****ny**: Slapped. [*looks up at Pen*] I've learned my lesson from BFDI 4, bro.

[*Laughter and applause.*]

* **P****e****n**: Oh, Coiny, don't try to make me laugh, 'cause this is the most difficult thing I've had to explain yet. See, I'm going to give you ten words that start with the letter Alpha and go all the way to Kappa.

[*Murmurs in the audience.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Alpha?
* **Co****i****ny**: He's clearly talking about me. [*flexes*] Bwaaaaang! [*Laughter.*]
* **P****e****n**: No, this is a little different. Normally, you have to guess a series of ten words that start with English letters. We're still using BFDI-related English words here, but to make it a bit more difficult for you guys, you have to guess the words by the letter in the *Greek* alphabet it would begin with. [*Ooh!*] I thought of this yesterday.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You get bored alone in your hotel room, don't you?

[*Loud laughter.*]

* **P****e****n**: I do. Okay, for every word you get right, I'll give each of you 5 points. If you get all ten of them right, you both get 52.52 points each. [*Applause.*] Number not made up by me, by the way.
* **Co****i****ny**: I have a strange feeling a certain pair of hosts made you say that.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: You're very dominable, Pen.
* **P****e****n**: Ahah-alright, Remote, you have sixty seconds to make your clues, and let's see the first word, please.

[*The word* **ANNOUNCER** *appears on the screen.*]

* **P****e****n**: There it is, remember alpha. Are you ready, Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Yes.
* **P****e****n**: Coiny?
* **Co****i****ny**: Sure.
* **P****e****n**: And I'm ready too, not that anyone asked. Remember: sixty seconds, you got this, and go.

[**Pen** *walks backwards to the main part of the set and his voice can be heard off-screen, calling out the letters while Remote and Coiny play.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Speaker*.
* **Co****i****ny**: **ANNOUNCER**.

[*Ding!*]

* **P****e****n**: Beta. [**VOMITACO** *appears on the screen.*]
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Episode*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: **BASKETBALL**.
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Challenge*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: **BOWLING**.
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *BFDI*. *Fifteen*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: Um... **VOMITACO**! [*Ding!*]
* **P****e****n**: Gamma. [**GATY** *appears on the screen.*]
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Saw*...
	+ **Co****i****ny**: **GATY**. [*Ding!*]
* **P****e****n**: Triang- *delta*. [*Quiet laughter.*] [**DEATH** *appears on the screen.*]
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Life*...
	+ **Co****i****ny**: [*shouting*] **DEATH**! [*Laughter; ding!*]
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: Ouch.
* **P****e****n**: E- epsilon. [**EXIT** *appears on the screen.*]
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Eliminated*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: **ELIMINATION**
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Place*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: E... **EXIT**. [*Ding!*]
* **P****e****n**: Zeta. [**ZAPPIES** *appears on the screen.*]
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Four*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: **ZOMBIE**.
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Power*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: Zo... zo... zo...
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: Um... *electrocution*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: **ZAPPIES**. [*Ding!*]
* **P****e****n**: Aitch- eta! [**EVIL** *appears on the screen.*]
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Good*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: **ETHICS**, **ETHICAL**.
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Opposite*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: **EVIL**! [*Ding!*]
* **P****e****n**: Theta. [**THINKERS** *appears on the screen.*]
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Thoughters*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: [*pause*] **TEETERS**. [*Laughter.*]
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Feelers*...
	+ **Co****i****ny**: **IMAGINE**? Pass.
* **P****e****n**: Iota. [**IANCE** *appears on the screen.*]
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Team*... *Pencil*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: **IANCE**!
* **P****e****n**: Kay-appa. [**COINY** *appears on the screen.*]
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *You*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: [*misunderstanding it as a letter*] **K**.
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *You*...
	+ **Co****i****ny**: Keep saying more.
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Lincoln*—
	+ **Co****i****ny**: **ABRAHAM**, one of the greatest presidents we have ever... [*Laughter.*]
	+ **R****e****m****ot****e**: *Name*.
	+ **Co****i****ny**: Oh! **COINY**!
* **P****e****n**: Theta. [**THINKERS** *appears on the screen.*]

[*Bzzzzzzt! The Numberics round is over. Groans from the audience. Re-enter* **Pen**.]

* **Co****i****ny**: Frick! Dangnabbit!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I am at dagnabbitting point as well, coin creature.
* **P****e****n**: Ohhhhh, you were so close! You were lost on *theta*!
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We are all lost on theta. [*Laughter.*]
* **P****e****n**: The word was *Thinkers*. Y'know, *Pinkers*, *Sinkers* and all that.
* **Co****i****ny**: That's a different show, Pen!

[*Laughter, as Pen looks up and realizes.*]

* **P****e****n**: That's not my fault! I'm sorry, Coiny, Remote, but you don't get the jackpot. But you do get 45 points added to your total score!

[*Applause.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I like that number.
* **Co****i****ny**: I like points.
* **P****e****n**: And that's not all you win. Y'know, your partners from the previous rounds, Gelatin and Leafy, have been playing the exact same Numberics game in the waiting room. Instead of the Greek alphabet, though, they're using English. [*Ooooh!*]
* **Co****i****ny**: Lucky.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: So when will they finish?

[*Enter* **Gelatin** *and* **Leafy** *from backstage.*]

* **Gela****tin**: Now! [*Applause.*]
* **P****e****n**: Ah, you're done, you two! How'd it go?
* **Le****a****f****y**: [*looking at Gelatin*] We won. [*Great applause.*]
* **P****e****n**: Awesome! So that means Gelatin and Leafy win over 5,000 francs and Coiny and Remote get 52.52 points each!

[*Coiny and Remote high-five, as do Leafy and Gelatin.*]

* **Gela****tin**: Wow, looks like I'm not on bad terms with you any more, Leafster!
* **P****e****n**: And it looks like we're a little over time, but I promise you we'll be right back after these messages.

[*Applause, music and fading dialogue.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: *Boom-shaka-laka!*
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: We are the winners of *Still TPOT*.
* **Co****i****ny**: We are! We are! We are the winners!

## End of the contest

### Break

[*As the applause dies down and everyone starts milling around the studio again, Pen's YeFone rings. He gets up and lets* **Leafy** *and* **Gelatin** *take his seat.*]

* **P****e****n**: I'd better take this, gang.
* **Co****i****ny**: You're taking a phone call now?
* **P****e****n**: It's Pencil. [*on the phone*] Eyyyyy! [*Exit.*]

[*Manent* **Coiny**, **Leafy**, **Flower**, **Remote**, **Golf Ball** *and* **Gelatin**.]

* **Co****i****ny**: [*to Leafy*] So, you, Flower, Gelatin and Teardrop did really well in BFB.
* **Le****a****f****y**: It's interesting, isn't it?
* **Fl****ow****er**: Shows that a love of success goes a long way.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And you all ended up here. What do you call yourselves again, the *Newbie Alliance*?
* **Gela****tin**: No, just the *Newbie Iance*.
* **Golf Ball**: Iance? How despicable.
* **Gela****tin**: Normally we're called the *alliance*, but since Lollipop's already competing in season 11 and can't get any time off, we can only be called the *iance*.
* **Le****a****f****y**: That's because Lollipop likes to have it all.

[*Meanwhile, on the floor,* **Q.T.** *gets his own phone call from the judges' table, where* **Magdi** *is about to pick it up.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: Don't get it!
* **M****a****gd****i**: I was handing it over to you.
* **Q****.****T.**: So you were.

[*Q.T. picks up the phone.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: Hello?

[*We can hear* **Square**, *the Equation Playground Minister of Culture and All Things High Society, on the other end of the line. He presses a button to put the phone on speaker, but only the crew can hear him. Enter* **Anat** *and* **Emre Eşgüdüm**.]

* **Square**: Hi, we're calling to answer your question about the future of the programme you're test-piloting.
* **Q****.****T.**: Yes, yes, what are the results?
* **Square**: You have been... accepted.

[*Soni exspectati of cheering.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: *Courarassoutchinnou! Cacounito nito tchi tonasseïssou courasséssène moramoïmamicanou!*
* **Ib****t****i****s****am**: Surely there must be a mistake. Our shows hardly ever make it past the first taping!
* **A****na****t**: Yes, and Pen is not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.
* **G****r****i****m**: Mm-hmm.
* **Square**: It's no mistake, swear to Gogma. We in the boardroom are aware that Mr. Schreiber has made several mistakes on his first day as host, but this is compensated for by his genial personality and his pleasant interactions with others.
* **A****na****t**: I thought you gave him the green light because he looks good on camera.
* **Square**: Yes.
* **A****na****t**: I knew it!
* **Square**: Anyway, I just called to let you know that *Still TPOT* is eligible to be transferred to the numberland and we've already reserved a spot on EPTV for you, should *he* accept.
* **Q****.****T.**: That is right. [*explaining to the others*] The fate of the series lies with the presenter, not the producer, for some inexplicable reason. Well, we thank you, Honourable Square, and you will hear from us shortly via me.
* **Square**: That won't be necessary; we're watching you live on Moderation Island and are awaiting Schreiber's response.
* **Q****.****T.**: Good to know. *Quirarachiconi!*

[*Q.T. hangs up.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: Alright, everyone, listen up. We need to ask Pen if he wants to continue the show.
* **A****na****t**: I vote *yes*.
* **Q****.****T.**: You are the assistant, remember? You have no say.
* **A****na****t**: I still vote *yes*.
* **Q****.****T.**: [*speaking through a megaphone*] ***We're on in ten!***

[*Everyone quickly returns to their places as the commercial break is about to end.*]

* **Q****.****T.**: Relay this information to Evgenios, will you, Grim?
* **G****r****i****m**: Right you are.

[*Exit* **Grim**, *who flies up to the announcer's post with their wings.*]

* **Ib****t****i****s****am**: Ooh, this is exciting. I don't have to work part-time in the fruit market any more!
* **A****na****t**: And I get to quit my side job as an orthopaedic sur-gee-on!

### Announcements, voting screen and farewell

[*End of the commercial break. By now,* **Leafy**, **Gelatin** *and* **Flower** *have gone backstage and* **Pen** *quickly rushes over to his spot, surrounded by his fellow contestants* **Tennis Ball**, **Golf Ball**, **Coiny** *and* **Remote**. *Applause.*]

* **Evgen****ios**: [*off-screen*] And now, a special offer from your friendly announcer, Evgenios Xylouris!
* **P****e****n**: Huh, what's goin' on?

#### Announcements

* **Evgen****ios**: We at Spinalonga Studios have just received word from the channel that our series has just been picked up for a full season!

[*Pen perks up at this. Great applause.*]

* **P****e****n**: A full season? Son of a gun, that's *awesome!*
* **Evgen****ios**: Yes, the Cultural Minister and his people have decided to give you this opportunity, a place on daytime television, because of your... [*confused*] congenital personality and peasant-like interactions with others? [*Laughter.*]
* **G****r****i****m**: [*taking his microphone*] It's because you're a stud, hon.

[*WoOoOOOooooo! Pen flashes another smile at the camera.*]

* **P****e****n**: Aww, thank you. That was our make-up artist, confirming that I am indeed easy on the eyes. And they's never wrong.
* **Evgen****ios**: Will Pen choose option A: accept our one-time invitation to host *Still TPOT* for the rest of the season? Or will he choose option 🅱️: spend the break doing whatever the heck he wants? He has thirty seconds to decide, starting... *now!*

[*Pen looks down as the thinking music from* Jeopardy *(or rather a song that sounds suspiciously similar) comes on.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Isn't this music from another game show?
* **Golf Ball**: Hush, he's thinking! This could take days!

[*Pen looks up.*]

* **Evgen****ios**: How say you, Mr. Host?
* **Q****.****T.**: Yes, what do you say?
* **P****e****n**: Could you give me some more time please?
* **Evgen****ios**: No.
* **P****e****n**: Oh. Well... boy, that's a heck of an offer.

[*He looks down at the crew and back at his family.*]

* **P****e****n**: But...
* **Co****i****ny**: [*points at his own backside*] Butt?
* **P****e****n**: Yeah, I- I'm terribly sorry, guys, I'm going to take option 🅱️. [*Gasps from the audience.*] *Not* because of my legal name. [*Laughter.*] It's just that right now, my family needs me... and I need them.

[*Applause, especially from the front rows. Aristotelis gives Pen a thumbs-up, and he smiles at that.*]

* **A****na****t**: *Ne'enachat*, back to the hospital I go.
* **P****e****n**: Okay! And with that out of the way... [*reading*] "Show continues as usual", and then there's a line and the words "Points won" underneath it. [*Laughter.*] I win points? Cool!
* **Ib****t****i****s****am**: It's for the better, girl.
* **P****e****n**: Ah, gotcha. I have just been told to continue the show as usual and announce the points, which I will do right now, as a matter of fact.

#### Point allocation

[*Applause. Everyone suddenly looks to the right, as a the scoreboard is hauled in.*]

* **Co****i****ny**: Is that our scoreboard?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: No, Coiny, it's a poorly-constructed Woody effigy. /s

[*Laughter.*]

* **P****e****n**: Hey, that's right! We still haven't seen who's going to be up for elimination! Well, the results of the other challenge are on the board—the scoreboard, that is—and it looks like Bok won so resoundingly that the number of points she got doesn't even show up on the screen. Wow!

[*Applause and laughter at the scoreboard malfunction.*]

* **R****u****b****y**: [*Aside, to Bubble, in the audience.*] She is the *goat!*
* **B****u****b****b****l****e**: *Hoi, hoi,* so true!
* **Co****i****ny**: And my Pin is in second place! [*to the audience*] *Good job, honey!*
* **P****i****n**: [*from the audience*] ***Thank you, Coiny!***

[*Mix of laughter and applause.*]

* **P****e****n**: And kudos to Pencil back on the main set for hosting a fair and generous contest, I must say. But what about this one? Well... coming in fourth place is Tennis Ball, who leaves here today with 10 extra points. What d'ya say to that, champ?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: I'd rather take the 100 francs.

[*Laughter, as 10 points are added to Tennis Ball's total on the scoreboard.*]

* **P****e****n**: Golf Ball, you got 20 points. Two times the number Tennis Ball got!

[*Golf Ball gets 20 points added to her total. Applause.*]

* **Golf Ball**: You mean *three* times, Pen.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*Aside.*] GB, you wouldn't dare mess up an equation, would you?
* **Golf Ball**: Shush, I'm trying something!
* **P****e****n**: Sorry, that's *three times* the number Tennis Ball got.

[*Laughter, especially from Golf Ball—Pen smiles confidently, for he has calculated incorrectly.*]

* **P****e****n**: Now, Coiny and Remote...
* **Co****i****ny**: Yeah?
* **P****e****n**: You both played an excellent game, and in the Numberics round, you and your backstage partners were hot out there. Want to know how many points you got?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: I gained 117.52 points and Coiny 107.52. [*Applause.*]
* **P****e****n**: Now, that sounds right, no question about it. Let's see your total scores now!

[*Applause, as Coiny gets 108 points added to his score and Remote gets 118.*]

* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Do I get extra points for being a math whiz?
* **P****e****n**: Oh, I wish you could, but I'm sure my time as point-giver is over.
* **Co****i****ny**: But what about you and Pencil? Your points pretty much stayed the same.
* **P****e****n**: *Not* over! [*Laughter.*] Is it okay with yous if I gave myself 100 points?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Well... um... um...

[*Pen gets 100 points added to his total, and Tennis Ball ends up in the "Danger Zone". Applause.*]

* **P****e****n**: And for Pencil... 100 points, my treat.

[*Pencil gets 100 points added to her total. Slightly less applause.*]

* **P****e****n**: Now that's what I'm talkin' about!
* **Co****i****ny**: Yo, your girlfriend gets the same number of points as you? Come on, man, give her more!
* **P****e****n**: You're absolutely right, buddy. Make that 101 for Pencil, please!

[*Pencil gets 101 more points added to her total. Oohs.*]

* **P****e****n**: I'm going to pretend that wasn't a mistake. [*looks at the camera*] Wherever you are, Penc, I can't wait to see ya again, and I love you so much. [*air-kisses her*]

[*Light awws.*]

* **Golf Ball**: [*not so subtly*] *Blech!*

[*Raucous laughter.*]

* **P****e****n**: Aww, don't feel bad, GB! And I don't think you should feel alone either, 'cause...

#### Voting screen, farewell and credits

[*Bee-bee-bee-beep! The usual* 1, 2 *and* 3 *that appeared during the Ksh-word round have been replaced with the images of Golf Ball, Tennis Ball and Black Hole, who have the fewest scores and are thus up for elimination. Above this, in place of the "Ksh-word", is a rapidly-changing text that reads either "Vote [A] to save Golf Ball!", "Vote [B] to save Tennis Ball!" or "Vote [C] to save Black Hole!".*]

* **P****e****n**: You, Tennis Ball and Black Hole get to be up for elimination together! How d'ya feel about that?
* **Golf Ball**: So this is what happens when you put an optimist in charge of the competition.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Well, we gave it our best serve; and I'm sure Orpha will love the fact that we appeared on a foreign knock-off of her favourite game show.
* **Golf Ball**: Sure she will. But Pen, to think that we lost and you somehow gained a hundred points in a contest of intelligence. I'm starting to miss when the world wasn't so upside down.

[*Laughter.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: [*from the audience*] I knew it would be a hassle to handle those balls.
* **P****e****n**: Okay, if you're watching us at home, you know the drill: Vote in the comments using the letter in square brackets for one of my pals you want to save. Yes, while we're out here fighting for the power of Two, you get to use the power of *you!* [*Laughter.*] The one who gets the fewest votes will be eliminated.

[*Applause.*]

* **P****e****n**: And I didn't want to say this so prematurely, but thank you all for watching *STPOT*, and I gotta tell ya: *Ciao*, *yia hara*, and I'll see you in the spring. Bye. [*waves goodbye*]

[*The* STPOT *theme music plays and the credits roll across the screen as we see Pen and his fellow contestants talk amongst themselves.*]

* **Evgen****ios**: This is Evgenios Xylouris speaking for *Still TPOT*, a Spinalonga Studios AKA a Jacknjellify production!

## Stinger

[*Fade out to the scene after everyone has left. The set lights are out and no one is left in the studio except for a set caretaker, fittingly named* **Jani Tor**. *As she sweeps the floor, she looks around to see that she is alone.*]

* **J****an****i**: I can talk now! Thank you, lack of people!

[*Enter* **Pencil**.]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Oof, we had to split the van in two and make the top half jump over the sea and the bottom half drive under it, but we're finally here!
* **J****an****i**: We, who are we? I only see you.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Well, Bok saw Ruby in the hallway and they snuck out to the territory's official gift shop/library, and Eraser wigged out when he saw the pentagons all over the set. Is everybody having a break or something? It's dreadfully quiet. Where are the audience, where are the contestants and where's my boyfriend?
* **J****an****i**: Your boyfriend?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, Pen, he's hosting. Perhaps you've seen him; he tends to make his presence more obvious than it should be.
* **J****an****i**: You know, I think three other people called Pen their boyfriend tonight.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Three paragons of delusion, you should say. As traditional grammarians say, that lad is and will always be the object of my possession.
* **J****an****i**: Well, if you want to talk to him, he is partying in a nearby ballroom.

[*Jani points outside the studio, where we get another view of the adjacent building that contains the ballroom in it.*]

* **J****an****i**: The show ended an hour ago.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aww, I missed it? [*kicks a chair over*] Ah, dang it, I missed it!
* **J****an****i**: Hey, you're Pencil! [*Pencil nods.*] I could tell because you're angry! Don't worry, you can find your boyfriend when his pilot episode airs on television channels throughout the planet.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And the rest of the series?
* **J****an****i**: No, he decided to take the second option: do nothing for the break.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Wot? I'm about to have a word or two with him!
* **J****an****i**: Oh yeah, and he also made a joke about you. Ask him who Pin's married to when you see him, huh?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oi, I'm so glad I brought my handcuffs 'cos that cheeky little devil's going to get it! /j

[*Exit* **Pencil**, *who runs over to the ballroom. Jani smiles and continues to sweep the floor. Suddenly, huc teleportat* **Two**, *who is alone. Jani bows at least twelve times.*]

* **J****an****i**: Ah! Two! Hi, Your Numberjesty!
* **Two**: Hello, whoever you are. Did the contest go as well as expected?
* **J****an****i**: Why don't you find out over at the ballroom? [*points out the door*]
* **Two**: Of course. [*going*]
* **J****an****i**: Hey, aren't you meant to be accompanied by your co-host Five? Not that I read those kind of things, but it says in the the tabloids that you've merged with Five to become Ten.
* **Two**: Oh, you don't need to worry about Five.
* **J****an****i**: What are you talking about?
* **Two**: I got rid of him.

[*Dramatic sting.*]

**THE END
of TPOT: ACT VII**
## Deleted scenes

**Evgen****ios**: Your application says you have a surprising number of names.
**P****e****n**: If you want the whole story, I'll tell you. I've got time, right?
[*Evgenios looks at the clock: "90 seconds until showtime".*]
**Evgen****ios**: Go off.
**P****e****n**: See, I was born 🅱️en 'cause my mom, bless her memory, wanted to call me "Benito". Like the dictator. Sort of gives you an idea what her sense of humour was like, eh? Of course, my dad—*oh*, my dad—he refused to name his boy after a fella who kind of hated our people, but he wanted to keep Ma's culture thing goin', so I was born Benedetto, Benedetto Graffeo. Like the New York breakfast.
**Evgen****ios**: Yes...
**P****e****n**: Fast-forward to elementary school, when they tell my folks I can't be called that and my brother can't be "Eliezero". All of a sudden... *bang!* Out came two nice little Canadian guys, Eraser and Benedict. Then I had my bar mitzvah; oh boy, talk about a party... That's when they told me my Hebrew name. Good ol' Benedict played "Baruch" for a day, if you know what I mean. And then when I joined BFDI back in '61, I changed my name from Ben to Pen, y'know, to match everyone else who was named after their appearance. Pretty old trend if you ask me, but it stuck and I've been Pen ever since. So that's the story of my name, short and sweet like the three letters I hold dear. [*hugs himself*] Now as for how Graffeo became Schreiber, you'd better pull up a chair, 'cause I have the funniest story of how that happened. Want to hear?
**Evgen****ios**: No, that was good. The ancient creation myths were quicker to explain. But you still haven't told me what to call you.
**P****e****n**: That's right, we were talking about that.

* Anat was going to reveal her crush on Pen right before he started his show. He would turn it down. This scene was deleted because there is already so much going on in the episode:

**P****en**: Now, why did you want me here? I thought we were going to...
**A****na****t**: Because... [*paces around for a second before stopping*] I love you.
**P****en**: I love you too—
**A****na****t**: *You do?!*
**P****en**: In fact, I love all the nice people on this island who made me feel like I was at home, and I think it'd be a wonderful thing for me to thank them at the end of the taping.
**A****na****t**: That's not what I meant! Will you... be more than just an assistant?
**P****en**: Awfully thoughtful of you, Anat, but this game doesn't need someone who points at stuff.
**A****na****t**: No. I mean... a partner. Someone to keep me company at night.
[*She holds his hand—he takes it back.*]
**P****en**: Anat, buddy... I gotta tell you, I already have a girlfriend. She's called Pencil, and she's competing with me on *TPOT*. [*takes out a picture of Pencil, kisses it and talks to it*] Sorry for the ambiguity there, Penc.
[*Silence.*]
**A****na****t**: Oh. Well, the rest of the season will be a little awkward, no?

* It's already (head)canon, but Pen was going to talk about how Eraser's Hebrew name is "Eliezer" in his long-winded presentation.
* Pencil, talking to herself after the challenge:

**P****e****nci****l**: Looks as if somebody's forgotten to put their ball in. Time to put it where it belongs.
[*She picks up the ball and gives it a good ocular examination.*]
**P****e****nci****l**: [*giggles to herself*] Oh, if Pen were here, he'd think it was so droll that what I said sounds like something one's not meant to say on the telly. Ah well!
[*She is about to put the ball into the hole into which Black Hole and Pin had previously put their balls.*]

* Coiny was going to say this in his pre-game interview:

**Co****i****ny**: I had an epiphany. Remote has opened my eyes and convinced me not to be a jive turkey.
**R****e****m****ot****e**: [*behind him, in the background*] That's not exactly what I meant.
**P****e****n**: Oh, Coiny... I don't even know what a jive turkey is.

* Leafy's full name was going to be "Relief-of-Christ" (because that's actually where the name Leafy comes from), but I decided to leave it as "Relief" because that seemed to push the religious envelope a bit too much.
* After Pen's blunder during the illegitimate 100 Puzzle:

**Golf Ball**: Ask Orpha, it means you've been naughty.
**P****e****n**: But I gotta know what that sound is! See, we all snuck onto the set last night playing with the sound effect buttons, but never in my life have I heard such a noise. What's goin' on, Rajko?
**Ra****jk****o**: It means you done...

* Golf Ball was going to reveal that her maiden name—the one she had before she was married—was "Callaway" (like the brand of golf balls, ha, ha, how symbolic). This might be a deleted scene, but it's (head)canon nonetheless.
* As Pen holds up Leafy's YeFone:

**P****e****n**: Flower, I'm only doing this so they know why I'm standing here with a smile on my face.
**Golf Ball**: Don't say it's because you have perfect teeth; it's not becoming.
**Co****i****ny**: Yeah, Santa's not coming if you act all vain-like, dude.
**P****e****n**: I wasn't going to say that!
[*Pen looks at the camera and mouths "But I do", raising an eyebrow and flashing his teeth. Laughter and some more WoooOooooOOing.*]

* Eraser was originally going to be listening to Lisa Lisa in the car, albeit as the objectized version, *i.e.*, "Spewa Spewa". The reference would be lost on everyone, so I changed it to a parody of The Grateful Dead. Somehow it fits him more.

## Notes

1. ↑ 3:45.
2. ↑ 11:25.
3. ↑ As Nana Mouskouri once sang, "I never will marry", but at least one person on the Internet claims to be one of Lollipop's blushing brides.
4. ↑ The joke is that Flower's not the best at geography.
5. ↑ Match has not seen her family since 1969, before BFB. She spent the 1985 hiatus looking after Two's Second Hotel. Before that she was at sea, and before *that* she was in the EXIT (and was actually the last to be eliminated before the contestants were allowed to go home in 1970).
6. ↑ I'm almost certain it's this one.
7. ↑ Get it? Eliezer to Eraser... it's a phonetic change.

**Fake TPOT** [V]