Ben Schwartz, Our Close Friend

**"Ben Schwartz, Our Close Friend"** is the twelfth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Sean and Hayes talk about the perfect gift to give your assistant this holiday season and reward the new engineer for surprising them. Then, TV and film star BEN SCHWARTZ joins the guys to give us a little insight on some of his many famous film characters, tell us a bit about his acting for GIFs program, and share his thoughts on the digital age of scripts.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* The guys want to reward Sam Kieffer for impressing them. He really got their attention by not showing up when they arrived at the studio.
* He must be five minutes away! What Sam was doing was what they in the industry call: a powerful move. Sean waited about 40 minutes
* S&H keep thinking about killing Sam, hurting Sam
* Sam's motorcycle was hit while he was asleep and set it back up
* People try and stop the guys from doing the show. Crumble up sleeping pills and put it in their crème brûlée (Aristocats reference)
* Sean leaves a voice mail: "Sammy! Big dog. What up? Uh, this is Seanny Clembo, I'm here with Hayes D. and we would *loove* to get into the studio, you know how I do it. Feel free to give me a ring-a-ding back whenever makes sense for you, uhh, not sure what you're up to. I'm really lookin' forward to doin' the show, it's eleven nine-teen right now, if you're keepin track, and I've been here for about forty minutes or so."
* Sean and Hayes got Sam a new motorcycle, it was parked right outside! He is fired, but they hope he and enjoys the motorcycle and that no one hit and run it

### Guest Segment

* The boys play Ben some of his more memorable actings, some of his famous lines:
	+ "You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look good." (*Independence Day*) Three Warner Brother's lots, pushed 'em together. Knocked out the walls (K.O.T.Dubs). The original line was "I make this look alright." Ben made em' change the script to wingdings font, let him do what he does. The line was improvised.
	+ "(alien holler)(punching sound) Welcome to Earf!" (*Men in Black* (one)) 6 Warner Brothers lots. Original line was "What's up man?" Second take was "I make this look good" but he did that already, Marty got points for that one. Killed the guy in the alien suit after making him remove the padding so it felt like it was real. A real treat for him. The Hollywood flag was delivered to his house (JJ Abrams makin out with Steven Spielberg, in the middle of two bears for California, and the DVD cover for the Nic Cage film *8mm* in the middle)
	+ (Usher's "Yeah" plays) F. Murray Abraham narrates his dance moves: "Feet are goin, start the fire, I make a pizza. It's rollin'. (unitelligible) Then, the q-tip. Q-tip. Throw it away. If that's not working? Hit 'em with this! O-ah o-ah!" (Music stops) Schwartz: "Don't. Ever. Do that again." (*Bagger Vance Hancock*). Filmed in New York at Silver Cup, in the top of the cup. Not a (as the comedians say) "a tiny bit of a joke." Line was improvised, original line was "Hey man, your mom just passed away." Still had the funeral scene afterwards, said "Surprise! S.S.F.L (so sorry for your loss)."
	+ "Is snakes out there dis big?" (*Anaconda*). 7 Peter Dinklages played the anaconda. The line was improvised (it wasn't actually in the script). Original line was "We're gathered here today, to mourn the loss of Kevin Smith's character, from the movie he did with Adam Sandler." Pretty good line (PGL) but Ben could make it B. Only took thirteen minutes to film
	+ "At the night shoots / gonna get some good shoots! / Gonna get some sweet film / at the night shoots!" (*Collateral, Con Air, Flubber* (old and new), *Man on the Moon, Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events,* Bo Jackson Documentary) One of the great chameleons, because he can sing this song in so many different films
* Ben is good at accepting compliments (sings afterwards)
* A little bit of a joke: "When Marty shoots, Marty scores."
* Why should critics be allowed to speak on it?
* In regards to critics: Sour grapes. Sean thinks they're disgusting.
* Buzz (bumblebees) around Shia LeBouef's short film about online critics. Generous bumbees. Ben is excited to see his penis.
* Headphones are cams. Ear cameras.
* Ben teaches "Acting for GIFs" class. There are a lot of bad GIFs out there (BGs). Don't obscure your mouth in anyway in case people want to caption it for a meme.
* No more scripts, just iPads. Hayes misses writing "no thanks" on a paper script though. Can't do that on an iPad
* To the tune of *Golden Girls* theme: "Ooo, thank you for being a *supporter*? Travel back and forth in *supporting me*? You're a friend real true, you're a dude and a *supporter*? Please tell me when we're getting along because I feel like we're good friends! But then when you enter a room, and you give me good reviews and I know that you are really a *supporter*? Thank you for being a *supporter*?"

## Recurring Segments

* Shop Til You Drop - A segment about giving gifts
	+ Help with gifting items to your assistant team. What do you get the person who has nothing?
	+ They already got 10 percent of your doughseph. They would get mad if you get them something
	+ Give them a hug. And a kiss--and a kiss on the lips
	+ They're already at your house on Christmas day, they helped you throw away the boxes and things. Sit them down, just when they get the look on their face, they're dragging their feet maybe this year they're not going to get it? You sit them down and say, oh I almost forgot! I think I have something for you too. Then you put your hands behind your back like you have a physical object to give them. Sean lets the unwrap a box full of rocks.
	+ Tamandria pretended to like the rocks. "Don't be silly, that's not your real gift, and you know that." She got the softest, warmest kiss. It's something money can't buy
	+ You couldn't pay Sean to kiss half the fucking trolls he sees out there on the streets.
	+ When picking an assistant, think about kiss them to celebrate-- often. Holidays, their birthday, Columbs Day, moved by a piece of music, driving past a cemetery, buying a soda from a machine.
	+ Study science, crack open a text book, and learn every culture communicates with kissing.
	+ Big kissy, a big soft one, is the right gift
	+ Some cultures really stiffen up before being kissed, try and turn their head, start squirming. Hold fucking still.
	+ Hayes will hide a mint under his tongue and give that to them as well. Sometimes he feels their disappointment from just getting kiss
* Pro Version - ~~Matt Cameron~~ (fuck you). The supporter is Bruce Reid Robinson II - Ben Schwartz sang a personalized version of the supporter song

## Recurring Jokes

* Talking to the Engineer - Sam showed up late to the show, Sean left him a voice mail and made him play it on the show

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, Ben Schwartz, Sean ClementsSean and Ben Schwartz in the studioBen Schwartz in the studioHayes in the studioSean in the studio