Transcript: The Goddess of Life (Problems with Being a Modern Day God)

The camera pans through Asgolymheaven until it reaches a large desolate jungle with a very tall treehouse. Arushia, the goddess of life, is sitting on her couch watching TV and eating chips.

Arushia (narration): The best thing about being a God is the unconditional love you get from your followers. Something I never experienced here in Asgolymheaven. Yeah, the names a bit much.

She gets up and turns off her TV.

Arushia (narration): I'm Arushia and I'm a God. Except I'm not A God. Gods need followers...and I sort of don't have any. Despite the fact that I can grow an entire jungle from a fucking pen cap if I wanted to.

She walks into her bathroom and turns on the light.

Arushia (narration): Sooooo...yeah. Gods are real. Very real. Every single one too. No need to go to war over religion anymore, because every single one is right! We all exist, for better or worse.

Close-up on her putting toothpaste on her toothbrush.

Arushia (narration): All of us? All our powers? Real. Every myth? Every story? Real...to some extent.

Arushia walks out the door, but not before longingly gazing at her checklist pinned next to it.

Arushia (narration): But one day, I swear. I will be one of those gods.

Arushia decides to head to the library to brush up on stories of the gods. She picks up the Bible and decides to read about the Feeding of the 5000.

Jesus: I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way.

Peter: You're literally God, can't you please just give them some Gatorade?

Jesus: Consumerism, Peter. Remember what I taught you. Anyhow, how many loaves do you guys have?

John, checking his pockets: Erm, 7.

Jesus: Well that'll be no problem.

Jesus holds the bread in both hands, and then splits up his hands. He is now holding 20 loaves of bread in each of his 2 hands.

John: How the heaven did you do that?

Jesus: Faith, John.

Thomas: Do you have something up your sleeve?

Jesus: I'm not wearing sleeves.

Thomas: Dammit.

Arushia: Gods, I wonder where they put those 12 baskets full of leftovers. Thank god they didn't live in the 1870s.

Arushia decides to read about the story of Lot from the Quran.

A village is shown. Constant sounds of men moaning are heard from in homes.

Lot: Holy fuck, this is gross. I can't even sleep at night without hearing a dude get pegged next door. O Allah, please save me from your wrath of their sinful acts.

Suddenly, 3 men appear from above, and come at Lot's door.

Lot: Oh, great. Are you guys here to seduce me?

Man #1: No, we bring you news. You must run from the city at midnight, and never look back! Take all your family!

Man #2; Or you will all die gruesome deaths!

Lot: Yeah, that's a no brainer.

Later, at midnight, Lot gathers his family and starts running as fire starts to rain down on the cities. However, his wife looks back, and trips and dies.

Lot: Ok, are you kidding me?

Man #3: We said not to look back.

Lot: She fell over a fucking pebble!

Man #2: Yeah, well in the other version she quite literally turns into a pillar of salt. In my opinion this was the less icky way of dying.

Arushia: Ugh...I wonder what happened to that salt.

She then checks a book about the Norse myths, and then it comes to her. Odin has infinite wisdom.

Arushia: I can ask him! The Allfather knows all!

Arushia quickly teleports away by wrapping herself in leaves. She appears in a desolate land, with nothing but a well.

Arushia: Hello?

Odin: If infinite knowledge is what you wish, you must spot what seems amiss. Sacrifice your seeing eyes, and the well will grant you your great prize.

Arushia: Yeahhhh...no.

Arushia creates two human eyes from her hands using her powers and drops them into the well. The well starts to shake and glow.

Odin: Fuck.

Arushia is soon enlightened with infinite knowledge, and floats up into the air as choirs sing around her.

Arushia: I...know everything...

Arushia I..see everything...

Arushia: I...under- WHAT THE FUCKING-

Her mind is tormented with visions of every kink to ever exist, including the most gross and gory ones.

Arushia: TAKE IT OUT TAKE IT OUT TAKE IT OUT

Odin: Oh jeez, uhhh...

Odin faces the well.

Odin: O great well, revoke your prize! Take away the all-seeing of the eyes!

Suddenly, Arushia falls to the ground. She teleports away in sadness.

Arushia: Goddammit...how did that even happen? I guess I should've know there were some downsides to knowing literally everything there is to know...

Arushia then suddenly forms an idea, remembering what the biggest religion in the world is.

Arushia: Well, off to Heaven I go.

Arushia teleports away and the episode ends.