My Mother Looks Nothing Like That Squirrel

## **Description**

The thrilling finale to the first chapter of the Beef Babes saga! Also we learn something new about Edan.

## **Synopsis**

Kit, Freezo and Bushu are in held in prison in a fortified white tower after being captured when attempting to find the “Tear of Zariel”. Freezo’s last murder has returned as an accursed spectre preventing the elves from using resurrection magic to bring him back. They ask for Freezo to release his spectre so they can bring him back. Freezo believes he can use the spectre as a bargaining chip. The elves state they could just kill Freezo instead. Freezo’s attorney and counsel (Kit and Bushu) ask for their freedom in exchange. They tell them they have 6 hours to release the soul or they will be murdered.

A white figure in a hood approaches the cell. Bethanee Smiles has arrived to bust the Beef Babes out of prison. She has been sent on this mission by the King Priest Minus. He has given her a carpet of flying, his personal symbol of Pelor and a sending stone to talk directly to him. The head off but before Freezo releases the soul of Matarial he requests that he “top decks” 3 toilets. Freezo loots one of the sleeping guards of a crossbow, dagger and hold before they fly off on the flying carpet.

When they’re safely away Bethanee uses the sending stone to talk to the King Priest. He believes Lalandre is heading to the white tower in the centre of Elysium. We learn that Zariel was Pelor’s chosen when the Gods walked Elysium. Zariel fell in love with Salune’s Avatar. Zariel gave up her post this caused Salune and Pelor to fall out and created a crack in her armour which evil later corrupted. Her final tear that fell as she left Elysium was captured and forged by Moradin into an immensely powerful artefact that has been stolen by Lalandre. The beef babes mission is to head to the white tower and overcome Lalandre and retrieve the Tear of Zariel and then call King Priest Midus so he can return it to the Forgehearth.

They approach the tower of Salune. Bethanee suggests doing reconnaissance at the tower and Freezo enquires about the orb on top of the tower. Bethanee informs the It’s the Aegis orb a pre-shard relic that was made by Moradin, Torm, Pelor and Salune working in unison. We observed it casting a mass resurrection spell over the battlefield in episode one.

They use the symbols of Salune they have acquired on their travels to disguise the party as apostles of Salune. They fly by the tower (Bushu is blinded by the light of the Aegis Orb) the windows are protected by a mysterious force. They head down to the regular door. The door has been blasted off its hinges, Kit puts the door back on behind them as they enter.

Bushu asks for some help to cure him of his blindness. Bethanee has this ability but it’s a level 2 spell so she opts to wait until it’s utterly necessary. Bushu let’s Freezo have a dip in his bag (soul coin) in exchange for his robe of many eyes so he can see again.

Bushu trips over a pre-tripped trap. Freezo sees the massive scythe in the ceiling and pulls it down and attaches it to himself. They find an artificers workshop. The find some tools and a sword as big as kit. They head back up the stairs and pass a toilet. Freezo tries to topdeck it but doesn’t need to go. They continue upstairs.

Bushu can see 2 sets of footprints one of which are giant sized. They opt to go in and use their disguises before Kit points out that they’ve met Lalandre before and she will recognise them.  Bethanee enters the top of the tower with the Salune symbol around the door. They hear a loud blast before peeking into the room, they can see the Aegis orb above them and a giant shield guardian in front of them. Asks them to identify themselves. The party enter the room and after some futile questions we go into combat.

Bethanee blesses the party, Freezo uses a witch bolt and Kit uses his lightning Javelinas the Golem continues to walk forward. Bushu uses his ram ring the force the Golem backwards. Bethanee commands the Golem to nap but the spell has no effect. Bushu attempts to use the ring of the ram to force the Golem back again but the attack is dodged. Freezo uses concentration on maintaining witch bolt. We can see a blue orb inside the Golem that regenerates it. He walks past Bushu (receiving an acid splash in the process) and attacks Freezo who manages to maintain Witchbolt. Bethanee chains the Golem to a pillar while Kit attacks with the tentacle rod. The Golem attacks Freezo who barely holds onto the Witch bolt.

Bethanee investigates the rest of the room and finds Lalandre hiding behind a statue of Salune. Lalandre shoots arrows at Bethanee. Kit knocks the Golem to the floor. Bushu fires a chromatic orb into the heart of the shield Golem disabling its regeneration.Bethanee chases towards Lalandre taking an arrow in the process before they slash at each other. Freezo curses the Golem and continues the witchbolt as he rises to his feet. Bethanee summons her steed Steve (Dave forgets this takes 10 minutes) he charges at her and knocks out the tear of Zariel. Lalandre summons a wolf from her necklace of wondrous miniatures to retrieve the tear. As the tear has left Lalandre the Golem slumps forward deactivated.

Freezo murders the deactivated Golem for some temporary hit points. The wolf spits fire at the party. Bethanee attacks Lalandre as she’s pinned down. Lalandre casts spike growth creating difficult terrain. Steve is in pain and releases Lalandre who darts around the machine. Bethanee orders Freezo to attack the Wolf. Freezo disobeys her and attempts to attack Lalandre with a Witch Bolt. Bethanee silences Freezo with the friendship necklace wasting his turn.

Bushu spits a chromatic orb at Lalandre killing her and obtaining the tear of Zariel. Freezo thinks about top decking a pot of holy water but he is paralysed by the friendship necklace. Kit loots Lalandre’s corpse for more figures of wonder power and Bethanee calls Mother Bullmoose on the sending stone before going over her head to King Priest Midus. He uses his holy to symbol to teleport to the Beef Babes. The party give him the tear of Zariel.

The king priest laments at the death of Lalandre and the stories she would have to tell if she were resurrected before he transports her body to the 9 circles of hell. He uses the tear of Zariel to disable the Aegis orb stopping resurrection in Elysium. He swears to punish the beef babes for the destruction of the Aegis orb.

The war council made up of King Priest, Deep Seychelles and Almathara is assembled. The beef babes protest their innocence however they have been caught red handed. The king Priest rips off Bethanee’s holy symbol of Pelor. As Moradin’s champions they can keep their equipment. The council delivers swift justice and banish the Beef Babes to Avernus

## **Characters**

### **Beef Babes**

* Bethanee Smiles
* Kit Gingerson
* Freezo F Freezopherson
* Bushu

### **NPCs**

* Matarial - Freezo’s Spectre
* Almathara
* King Preist Midus
* Lalandre Thindariel
* Mother Bullmoose
* Deep Seychelles
* Father myracor

## **Places**

* MorningWood
* Salune’s Tower

## **Quotes**

* “Next time you want to topdeck something make sure you need to do a shit”

* “Unwink that wink Freezo”

* “Kniw?!”

* “I have one question for you, you are walking along the road and a turtle is flipped on his back. How do you feel? What do you do? I can’t quite remember

* “SEEEEELLLLFFFSSSSSUUUUUUCCCKKK”

## **Themes, Tropes and running jokes**

Top Decking - the act of opening the cistern of a toilet and leaving a stool inside.

Dip in the bag - Freezo and the party ask for a lucky dip

Freezo doesn’t eat food - Hing believes Freezo doesn’t eat. No one knows where this belief comes from (especially after he had exhaustion checks a year ago while refusing food in the house eternal)

Dave offers to retcon that Freezo has been taking supplements from future Tokyo. Ultimately the party point to a massive pile of beef that Freezo requested earlier in the campaign.

Ratatouille him - Freezo offers to Ratatouille Bushu while he’s blind

Cum Jokes - “You catch more flies with honey than you do on a . . . Cum”

## **Table Talk**

“They sing at wood. That’s stupid”

“You’re playing Dungeons and Dragons!”

* “Allright in the chat if you just wanna let us know who the most fuckable Aladdin character is”

“I rolled a 7 what’s my dipcheck Dave?!”

“Don’t involve me”

* “Is there plumbing in this fantasy land?”

“Edan don’t talk about the cartoons you’re really horny for”

* “Everyone is leaving to go to the actual toilet while our characters are on the toilet. I’m calling it. This is a new low”

Zariel Teiflings are Born from places where Zariel travelled.

“Dave, we’ve got 26 minutes left is this going to be the last one we fight or is there gonna be another one?”

“That’s not for me to say”

* “In Pokémon language you want to get her down to a red health bar”

“That doesn’t help me”