Raef: I Have You

How long he sat there after Hansel left with Goro, he
didn’t know.  It could’ve been ten
minutes or it could’ve been ten hours.
He sat there until the cold of the cabin floor began to seep into his
pants.  If his legs were cold then Azrael
had to be cold.

Gently Raef moved his husband to rest on the ground
and stood up.  He wanted to lift him up
and lay him on the bed, but he couldn’t move him when he was awake let alone
when he was – when he was like this. He worried his lower lip before grabbing
the mattress and yanking it off the bed.
He was careful to not drop it on top of the resting orc.

Once it was set down on the floor he carefully, as
carefully as he could, pushed Azrael onto the mattress.  Then he tucked the covers in and arranged the
pillow just right, just like Azrael used to like it, and sat back down on the
floor.

“Azrael…” he whispered as he slid his fingers down his
husband’s face, tracing over the sharp cheekbone and jutted jawline.  A scar as soft as worn leather bumped up
under his touch before giving way to stronger, healthier skin.  Skin that wasn’t marred by fire.

It was surreal.
He had seen Azrael spring forth out of Goro’s magic and he had heard the
soft thud as he landed on the cabin floor.
He could see the rise and fall of his chest, and hear each breath.  Yet it didn’t seem real.

He had lost Griffin…his Griffin…his love…and now…now
he had Azrael back.

Raef’s lower lip quivered and he pressed the heel of
hand to the bridge of his nose.  Not
now.  He couldn’t.  Not now.
Not when Azrael might wake up soon.
Not when Azrael needed him.  *Griffin*
had needed me, too*.*

He squeezed his eyes shut.  He twined his fingers in his hair and
swallowed down the tears.  He couldn’t go
there.  If he went there…if he went
there…he needed to be here.

For Azrael.

*Azrael*.

Raef sucked his lower lip, letting out a shaky breath.
“*Ahuvi*…*haim shelli*…” He smoothed down Azrael’s hair, stroking the
soft strands.   He leaned down to place a
kiss to Azrael’s forehead. “Please wake up soon.”

~\*~

Luci had said it would take time, that Azrael just
needed to rest, but the hours slipped by with the morning and nothing
happened.  Azrael didn’t stir, didn’t
flinch again.  He only lay there beneath
the blankets, breathing softly.   Worry
tugged at his heart as he watched his husband.
Griffin would tell him it was fine, it was okay.  That everything would be fine.

But Griffin wasn’t there, would never be there
again.  He would never hear exasperated
sighs or feel the tender, soothing touches.
Never again.  If they brought him
back it would just be Gruumsh – just that *fucking* god that kept tearing
and digging at him, raking his claws through his heart and dragging at his
mind.

Just that fucking *god* that took everything he
had ever loved, had ever cared for.

Tears splashed on his lap.

…just that fucking god that had left him alone again…

*…I miss you*…

Raef hid his face in his hands.

…*I love you*…

He took a deep, shuddering breath.

…*I’m sorry*…

Movement.

He scrubbed at his face hastily, turned around, and
crawled back to bed.  There was no more
movement.  It was probably a mouse or rat
or whatever else lived on this damn boat.
He sighed. Not yet.  Maybe Azrael
needed more time.

Raef sank back onto the floor and bent his knees,
resting his arms on them.  His head
dropped.  He could wait a little –

“Mmm…good morning, *ahuvi*…”

His head snapped up.
Azrael was looking at him through slitted eyes, a sleepy sort of smile on
his face.  He looked as if he had just
woken up from a long nap.  Not like he
had just…he had just come back.

“Az…” Raef breathed out.  Nothing seemed to want to work, his body
frozen and his heart seizing, but then Azrael offered out a hand.  He scrambled to grab it, twining their
fingers together, and he was pulled in against his husband.  Azrael was still strong, still warm and he
held him tight.  Silent tears choked him, burning and stinging his throat. “…Az…”

“It’s okay, *ahuvi*.  I have you.”

~\*~

“Your hair’s turnin’ grey,” Azrael said as he twisted
a strand around his finger.  They were
now on the bed, nestled against the wall and headboard.  Once the tears had stopped and Azrael felt
like moving they had put the mattress back onto the bed.

Raef tried to smile, but it didn’t quite reach his
eyes. “…guess it happens when…” When you get old…when – when – when…

“*Ani mitnatzel*.”

“Don’t.” Raef shook his head.  This wasn’t Az’s fault.  This was…this was Bloodgrut’s fault.  This was *Gruumsh’s* fault.   None of this was Az’s fault.  None of this was Griffin’s fault.  His heart didn’t hurt because of them.  “You didn’t do anythin’.”

Azrael smiled softly as he rested his head against Raef’s.
“Yer wrong.”

“How so?” Raef scoffed. “You didn’t do a damn thing.”

“I left you.”

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

*Haim shelli* = My life

*Ani mitnatzel* = I'm sorry