Got Ghand?

**Got Ghand?** is a book by Ghandaiah found in the West Residence District. The text comes from the real Got Ghand? blog, episode 17. Snurkle.

## Text

### Page 1

17: Snurkle

:Begin Transmission:

So... lazy...

So... tired...

\*Snurkle\*

Eh? Oh. It's you again. I've been having trouble wtting... wroiting... wrizng... dslfk./..

My fingers... they are heavy, fleshy weights flopping at the ends of my hands... My limbs feel as though they're made out of... out of... dense pastries...

Sitting here... staring at the 5" monochrome television that the guards placed in my cell after five consecutive weeks of screaming uncontrollably... Watching the Olympcs... The Olycsp... Ooweglt... qatgytr...

OLYMPICS! GAH!

Must fight to stay awake! This sensation of constantly battling with the pinnacle of lazy itself is horrifying! Must fight to stay awake. Must fight to... maintain consciousness... Focus on the figure skaters... Focus on the figure skaters... Focus on the... hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

\*Snurkle\*

I'm floating...

*HALLUCINATIONS! GAH!*"

### Page 2

It all started back in the '60s...

...Or maybe it was the '30s...

...Or maybe in the medieval ages...

Yes, that was it... I was at the biweekly game of sheep-jousting, when I decided I was hungry... So I waddled over to the closest messenger and told him to order me a pizza... From Italy... Naturally, it would take a long time... but I didn't mind waiting... Sheep-jousting was almost as fun as those explosion rodeos I saw back in 1981... BC, of course...

\*Snurkle\*

Schznnnttttsss... Hmm? Oh, I... My eyelids, they just ATTACK me now and then... I'm... I'm part of the chair... I am no longer a human... I am a spongy mass slouched down into my seat... I will envelop all in my welcoming... warm... sleepy... darkness...

\*Snurkle\*

GAH! I know what I can do to stay awake... Hmm... Time to open the mailbag... Again... But I can't promise my responses will make much sense... Not that they ever do, anyway...

Well..... I only have one thing to say about this

*[CENSORED FOR THE SECURITY OF THE NATION] mischief we got up to [CENSORED] and those tiny little packets of oats [CENSORED] bilious! [CENSORED] walnut! So as you can probably deduce from these adequite findings that my nostril hair is pruple. Damn them... they told me it was a nasal spray. How was i meant to know it was paint?* "

### Page 3

C'yas

Hrr... Pete? ...Oh. Oh! Right... the bird... the pigeon... I almost forgot about him... I don't think anyone solved his riddles. Even after an extensive investigation by MJ12... And by "extensive" I mean “non-existant”... I swear, nobody cares about me around here anymore... I don't know why I even bother.

Wait a minute. I don't bother to begin with.

BASTARDS!

By the way, what, exactly, does the color "pruple" look like? Does it look like this?

...?

Okay... wrong picture... So what... I'm tired...

\*Snurkle\*

There, thats pete right there, do you know HOW, i know thats Pete? because he lookes Exatcly like the rest, thats why.so, now that you've found him, now you should go and poop all over HIS car. Ha lets see how he likes it.

*but first for our daily teaching from the Holey bible...*"

### Page 4

Oh and listern to this great song i wrote, here, let me sing it to you,

\*RIMSHOT\*
do, do, do do
\*RIMSHOT\*
yeh yeh yeh
\*RIMSHOT\*
do, do, do do d...

Shotgun sound, I slump to the ground

...

\*unkown\* "he's recording"

...

\*unkown\* "turn it off"

...

end recording
[Swiss]
Saving...
Copy writting from Deus Ex mission 14
*Trasmitting...*"

### Page 5

You know what happened to one of my friends who last fired a LAM at close range?

Nothing.

But then his arm fell off.

It was very sad.

Speaking of things that are sad... I'm going to fall asleep now... Wow... this chair beneath me has suddenly turned into a large, kingly bed... A bed of soft, pillowy Wonder Bread... Mmmm... I can feel the texture...

\*Snurkle\*

Dear Ghand you are King Wack full schtop. :)

Ph34r the pidgeons, WAIT not that badly.

About these pidgeon letters IT WAS MY FAULT no it wasn't, what I meant was that the pidgeon letters WERE NOT done by the pidgeons. Pidgeons have no letters, fingers, sorry, and they can't write. Cause they are wrong, failing that they are left, not right, so they can't write.

Cause that's wrong.

WOO!!!!!!!!1

*Point being, many, many, MANY, llama's, salmon's, geese, gerbils and last but not least, general small brown furry animals are being DEFENSTRATED, by the minute, by the dozen, and it's left, write, no it's not right, it's WRONG.*"

### Page 6

In a nutshell, what I'm trying to say is... PH34R T3H P1DG30N$! CAUSE THEY WILL GET YOU! AND YOU WILL BE DEAD! HAHAHAHAHAHA

Anywayz, have fun, and remember always to worship the great god llama, and you will be fine, for he will watch over you, and sodomize you as he sees fit.

Regards.

Midnight Twonk.

Funny how you were able to continue typing after you spontaneously died. Not that I discriminate against those who choose to spontaneously die... Because, I mean, discriminating is wrong... Not right, it's... left... Left? Right... Or was it... Uh...

What city is this again?

Chicago?

Chicagty... Chiahpl... chsgilktr//... selbgk;?//fs,gqa...

\*Snurkle\*

THE STORY! GAH!

*Apparently, that completely lame excuse for throwing a few mailbag letters into the article DID NOT, after all, help me stay awake, which shows even further evidence of how much of a completely lame excuse for throwing mailbag letters into the article it was...*"

### Page 7

Uh... I was waiting for the pizza that I ordered... Right...

So it finally came, a few minutes later... Or was it a few centuries? I don't remember. All I know was I was at Despot's apartment... Gah! That's all wrong, I wasn't there... Nobody who's ever entered Despot's apartment has ever returned... It's like INSTANT SUICIDE in there...

Oh... right, now I remember... It was yesterday...

The pizza finally came, and it was ice cold by then... 'Twas delivered by an 8-Bit (or earlier, can't get my arcane gaming platforms straight these days) regular Nintendo character... Half of it was eaten by then... I don't know why...

Turned out I didn't realize that the mushrooms on the pizza were... You know, SPECIAL mushrooms... So I had eaten a few pieces, I think, and then started to halluc-...

Wait a minute...

That's why I'm so lazy...

I'm... I'm...

"Under the influence..."

...Dear lord...

...

\*Snurkle\*

*:End Transmission:*"

## Links

* http://mirror.deusexnetwork.com/planetdeusex.com/features/articles/gotghand/17/index.html
* http://mirror.deusexnetwork.com/planetdeusex.com/features/articles/gotghand/index.html