2016 Pre-Season Address

## Introduction

On the day when many teams open up their training camps to prepare for the 2016 season, I felt it was only fitting to pop things off here in the League of Champions. More importantly, today marks ONE MONTH until the League of Champions draft.

Yes, just like that we’re ready to start another year of fantasy football. It seems like only yesterday I was sitting alone in my bedroom, crying over yet another disappointing fantasy season, questioning whether I should give up my life as commissioner and move to Nepal to begin again as a Sherpa. Now that I think of it, that *was* yesterday. The loss hit me hard. Hell, last year ended tough for a lot of us. I’m sure some of you are still stewing about the way things went down, just like me. But now it’s time to begin anew. This year will be different. Right?

## Five Questions Heading into 2016

### **1. Am I an Elite Quarterback?**

Look I’m not going to debate who is the GOAT. We all know no one on the farm even comes close to TB12. But what about the sheep? The emu? The alpaca?

My storied football career is well-documented, but for those who need a refresher, here is a comprehensive graph showing my career stats:

Thanks to 2016 technology, we can plug all these complex stats into a calculator to determine my lifetime passer rating.

Interesting results here. A 0.00 passer rating. Not too good, right?

***Wrong.***

Let’s look back at some other QBs who have posted a 0.00 in a game.

1. Peyton Manning the year he won Super Bowl 51.
2. Rex Grossman, the year he won the NFC Championship Game.
3. Joe Namath, maybe you’ve heard of him?
4. Terry Bradshaw, three times!
5. Eli Manning, two-time Super Bowl MVP.
6. Four-time Pro-Bowler Jeff Garcia.
7. NINE-time Pro-Bowler Warren Moon, TWICE!
8. Super Bowl Champion Trent Dilfer? Why not.

Look guys, this is an indisputable fact: Terry Bradshaw, Warren Moon, Matt DiGennaro, and the Manning Brothers have combined for 13 championship wins, 30 Pro-Bowl appearances, and eight 0.00 passer rating games. And I know what you’re thinking so let me stop you right there. Just because Warren Moon won all of his championships in the CFL does not mean his name doesn’t deserve to be mentioned along with the rest of us.

My ability to toss the rock has not only been a point of debate within this friend group, but it has even been debated by the fastest growing sports website maybe in the world: Barstool Sports. When asked by Bill Belichick if I had a shot at an NFL roster following my grueling rib injury of June 2016, Barstool analyst PFTCommenter had this to say:

I think the answer to the question is made manifest by the presented evidence.

### **2. Has losing gone to Patrick’s head?**

In a strange turn of events, it appears the more teams lose in this league, the cockier they get. Just look at Nate. Has there ever been a man more confident that he’s going to win it all every single year (after repeatedly losing...every single year)?

But far be it from me to rag on the team that defeated me in the 3rd place game last year (at least until question number 3 two paragraphs from now). No, this is about Patrick. To be honest, I’m worried about the guy. If stats were people, Patrick’s team stats would be the tiny kid who gets stuffed into lockers at school. And for what seems like decades Patrick has been saying “this is the year.” He even got it tattooed.

Does losing all those years translate to winning? Shotti would disagree. For him, winning has translated to more winning. By the transitive property, this does not bode well for teams like Patrick or myself. Has all this losing given Patrick a big head? You be the judge.

### **3. Will Nate break the curse of the Evens?**

Perhaps the oddest storyline in the League of Champions has been the Even Year Curse. Nate has won 75% of his games in odd years but only 27% in even years. While his trash talk has stayed consistent, his play on the field has not. Sure, we all want to see Nate succeed, but I think we’d all rather see him succeed at something like marionette carving or ballroom dancing. The “Nate sucks on even years” narrative is just too good and the thought of Nate winning the title is almost as unbearable and improbable as Peyton Manning winning the Super Bowl, or LeBron James winning the NBA Finals, or Sidney Crosby winning the Stanley Cup. Oh God, the stars are aligning…

### **4. Is This the Year of the Women?**

With Clinton running for office and Swedish model Ella Rose getting knocked up by Julian Edelman, the question needs to be asked: "is this the year of the women?" Truth be told, the likelihood of this is minuscule. The Earth has been around for like four billion years and of all those years, THIS is going to be the one that's finally for women? Give me a break. Still, the thought is frightening. Because what if Ella Rose gives birth to that kid, and it's a girl? I mean, what if Clinton takes office, and divorces Bill on the spot? Before you know it we could have a revolution on our hands. But that's not the part that scares me the most. No, the part that keeps me up at night is Chantel. Last year she pulled herself up from the league sewers like the Dark Knight rising and punched her ticket to the post-season for the first time. Despite a late-season fizzle, her team was dominant most of the year. More importantly, she kicked the shit out of me week six (People don't forget). What if she somehow, someway, harnesses the girlpower flowing like some black magic through the streets of America, and uses it to take the trophy?

The turnover of playoff teams from year to year hovers around 50%, which is about on par with the NFL. In 2015, four teams made playoffs who sat out in 2014. In both 2012 and 2013, three teams made playoffs that had previously missed. If that holds, half the teams who made playoffs in 2015 will miss the dance this year. Does Chantel become the first female team owner to make playoffs in back to back seasons, or does she fall off the cliff again to join Patrick and I and probably Pfeiler in the consolation round?

### **5. Is Change Too Much for Us to Handle? (AKA the boring procedural section of the post)**

As you may or may not have noticed, there are some changes this year. Three big ones in particular.

#### MONEY LEAGUE

* + I upped dues to $15 per person. We're all getting older, wiser, richer, and in Zach's case, beardier. Extra $5 this year and payouts to 1st, 2nd, and whoever scores the most regular season points.
	+ I am making an attempt, a valiant effort, to make paying dues easier for everyone. Since I’m in Atlanta, Nate and Jared are in Massachusetts, my dad doesn’t hang out with you guys, and no one can confirm if Joe Burns is a real person or just a Terminator sent back in time to fuck shit up, I set it up so all you have to do is pay with your credit card or paypal account on Yahoo.
		- This is 2016, but I can almost guarantee at least one of you fuckers doesn’t own a credit card or paypal account (Patrick, not singling you out but totally singling you out). Here’s the deal, everyone needs to pay the dues by the time of the draft or it cancels the money league competition and refunds everyone who already paid. If that happens, you’re a dick and you ruined the fun for everyone. Let me know if there is an issue and maybe we can work something out.

SCORING CHANGES

* I reduced sacks, pick-sixes, and kicking, as outlined in the end of season address in 2015. I think this makes it a little more fair. See here for why. To compensate, I inflated the defensive yards allowed by one point and added 0.05 points per rushing attempt. The average running back will end up with around one extra point per game as a result, small but significant in close games and I sort of just want to test the waters to see how we like it before giving it any more weight. I also added 0.3 for rushing first downs and 0.2 for receiving first downs. Again, not much but could sway close games and curious to see how it goes. Hopefully that keeps our average points per game from going down as a result of the reductions in the other categories.

#### KEEPERS

* For those not in the know, a keeper is a player you get to KEEP (get it?) the following year. It works different in different leagues and as your fearless leader I did way too much reading into the topic to make sure I didn’t screw it up. This is how we are going to do it here:

1. All players drafted after the second round 2016 are eligible to KEEP in 2017.
2. **Two** keepers per team max. You can choose to just keep one or not keep anyone.
3. Player must be on your roster at the end of the post-season (NOTE: All consolation team rosters lock at the end of the regular season, preventing adds/drops).
4. Your keeper will cost you a draft pick.
5. The pick you lose is **one better than the pick the player was taken**. Ex. Keeping a player taken in the 7th round of the 2016 draft will cost you a 6th round pick in the 2017 draft.
6. Players not drafted but picked up as Free Agents **are still eligible** (if they are on your roster) but they will automatically cost a 6th round pick. If both your keepers were not drafted but picked up off free agency, it will cost a 6th and 7th.
7. Even if a first or second round player is dropped and then picked up by someone else, **that does not make the player eligible**.
8. Trading players does not affect their keeper status. Ex. Nate drafts Eddie Lacy in the 10th round then trades him to Patrick. Patrick now has the right to keep Eddie Lacy so long as the player remains on his roster at the end of the season.
9. If you don’t have a pick in the round the keeper was taken, you lose your next available pick. Ex. You traded your 9th round pick but you are keeping a player that would normally cost you that pick. You thus lose your next available pick, which would theoretically be the 10th.

​

What do you think guys, can we handle it?

## Draft Day

* The draft is being held at 8pm on Sunday, August 28, 2016. Do not get confused, a lot of your yahoos are probably set to Pacific Time for some reason that I’ve never been able to discern. So if you log in and it says the draft is at 11pm, check your timezone. I can’t believe I actually have to explain this but every year it seems to be an issue.

* Snake draft as usual and Joe Burns will be letting me know the order of the first four picks. The order will be revealed the week before the draft.

* Anyone who wants to, I THINK we’re going to try and set up a little video conference of some sort during the draft so we can all talk shit and distract each other. This could fail miserably, we’ll see.

* Traded picks get imported the night of so don’t get your panties in a bunch.

## Conclusion

That’s it for now, just wanted to touch base and let everyone know I’m wheeling and dealing and working tirelessly to have the league ready for the draft one month from tonight. Probably won’t sleep for the next four weeks, too busy prepping. You’re all DEAD. You hear me? Dead.