239: Recently Extinct Hair-Braiding Bugs

## Summary

At the umlaut encampment, Raphina, Gwen and Batthwack tend to the dead and look for clues as to why the dragon may have attacked. Raphina locates Bernard the centipede and seeks his guidance before Will returns with Hilula in tow. Her ulterior motive for tagging along with the group is revealed to everyone and they try to make sense of it, and convince Hilula of Raphina's innocence, but fail at both.

## Synopsis

Seeing the instant growth of Batthwack's hair, but unsure that the stew is very tasty, Raphina reaches into the cauldron and rubs some of the stew onto her ear, wondering/hoping that it will cause her to grow some more ear hair. Gwen, also very excited at the sight of a dragonborn suddenly sprouting hair, takes a big gulp herself. The stew doesn't seem to have any effect on Raphina's ear hair, in as much as the three braids she already had there haven't been joined by any others. Despite that, she's still keen for Will to try the stew as a moustache tonic, but then realises he's not there.

Gwen notes the distinctive "umlaumi" taste of the stew, and with just about the same rapidity as Batthwack's hair growth, a full head of flowing, wavy, golden hair bursts forth from the top and sides of her head. It's a little longer than shoulder length and inexplicably perfectly quaffed. Gwen is thrilled and can't stop touching it and playing with it. She does have a moment when she remembers the tragedy that they're in the midst of, but mainly she's just very excited about her hair.

The clearing is relatively quiet, though the crackling pockets of fire around the encampment are diminishing. It strikes the group that there's less fire than they would expect from an attack by a dragon breathing fire. Gwen points out that there aren't any dragon prints/ tracks in the ground as you might expect. It occurs to her that they should really see to the last rites of the deceased umlauts. The umlaut they saved is wandering around in shock. Raphina goes over to speak to them, eating a piece of gary leaf and, in a slow mournful voice, they tell her *"Well, we actually do typically use fire for our burial rites. So that's convenient, I guess."*

As they begin to gather up the bodies, Batthwack wonders out loud why the dragon attacked here. Gwen suggests the dragon might have been looking for something and feels that there's surprisingly little damage for an orange dragon. Looking around though they can't tell that anything is obviously missing, but they do notice a lot of relatively large shallow indentations, divots in the earth, at various points. Some huts are completely destroyed, some are still standing but on fire. Raphina notes that it's slightly conspicuous that the stew was still perfectly in tact and bubbling away, but aside from that, the damage seems to be totally random. Gwen doesn't feel the damage is consistent with her fire breath weapon, though she admits she is much smaller than a dragon.

While the two dragonborn hunt around the village for clues and footprints (finding nothing), Raphina hunts around on the ground, pretending to look for signs of any objects that may have been taken, but she's actually looking to see if Bernard has followed them here. She tucks herself around the side of one of the sod huts and begins whispering for him. Before long, right in front of her, out of the hill that the hut was made out of, a little tumble of dirt erupts and a large centipede head pokes out at eye level. *"Hey, there you are!"* whispers Raphina excitedly. *"Hey, what's going on?"* replies Bernard. Raphina explains to him all about the dragon attack (which Bernard was totally unaware of, though he'd heard the explosions). Bernard asks how Will is and Raphina says that he's not worse than normal. Raphina asks for some guidance, and Bernard tells her that he thinks Will needs someone he can view as a friend. *"When we were together back in Tivoli, he trusted nobody, but he could talk to me sometimes. And I want to be that, but I feel like he needs that somehow."*

He explains that he can't reveal himself to Will at the moment. It has to do with Batthwack. He asks if they're getting on any better; before they seemed to be fighting a lot. Raphina says they do get on each others nerves, but also Batthwack's been weird lately. Bernard says *"Maybe you gotta figure that out? I don't know."* Raphina tells Bernard about the letter that Will got from Vera. Bernard is shocked and concerned to learn about that and says he'll try and find something out, but seems doubtful; he's only a centipede, he says. *"My facilities are limited right now."* Raphina's worried that he might be tired, chasing after them and being so small, but Bernard says his centipede legs seem to be perfect for the job. He says he'll stay as close as he can. *"I don't really know what's going on. I don't know if I'm entirely here, to be honest. I am dead."*

The funeral pyre is blazing away and the lone umlaut survivor is standing there, paying his respects and looking on, when Will comes descending down into the village, holding onto Hilula, who is grabbing onto him tightly. As soon as he lands, she wrenches her arm away from him and scrambles across the ground away from him, sobbing. Gwen tries to comfort her, but she shrinks away from her too. Unsure what Hilula might say, Will decides it's time to cut in. *"I have been holding on to some things for a while that I think should probably be shared with the group."*

Hilula tries to get to her feet and Will threatens to blast her if she runs away, so Gwen goes to stop her, but she pushes back and gets up. She's just turning to move away, when Will fires three *Eldritch Blast*s, two of them striking the ground either side of her, and the third hitting her squarely on the back of the leg. *"You're not going anywhere"* says Will.

*"What are you doing? Will, what's going on?"* cries Raphina. *"Are you a serial killer?"* Will asks her, dryly. *"No... I don't think so..."* she replies, somewhat hesitantly. Will explains to everyone assembled that Hilula has been following them, was in league with Dew, and was planning to arrest Raphina when they got to Beartoggle. He also explains that he had planned to kill her, but instead brought her back, to allow the group to decide what to do. Raphina can't believe what she's hearing. Mo also is shocked. Hilula is nursing the wound on her leg with one hand, the other holding her battle-axe, and she has a dark, resigned look on her face. Raphina appeals to her, promising that she hasn't killed anyone and saying that there's a lot of weird stuff going on, like the dam in Beartoggle that wasn't there when she left.

*"Just because there's a dam, doesn't mean you get to go on a killing spree!"* shouts Hilula angrily. Gwen wants to know more about this, but Hilula just tells her to get away from the rest of the group, saying that Raphina is a killer, witnessed by her and others. She says the rest of the group probably wouldn't care anyway, and asks if Raphina recruited them or if they recruited her. Raphina asks Batthwack to cast *Zone of Truth* and Will, who had been slowly backing away already, immediately does so even further. He's slightly unnerved by the situation, having not been expected such a mild reaction to the admission that he nearly killed Hilula.

Batthwack casts the spell on everyone and Mo, Raphina and Gwen all willingly submit to the effects of the spell. Hilula tries to resist it, but cannot. Raphina slides some tea carefully on the ground towards Hilula as a peace offering, but she won't let Raphina get anywhere close to her. Hilula thinks she's being tortured. Gwen tells her they just want some more information. *"Seraphina Phalangepot is the most wanted killer in Beartoggle"* says Hilula and Will laughs derisibly from the shadows.

Gwen says she's from Morrow's Inlet and hasn't heard of a notorious serial killer on the loose. Hilula says it was only a Beartoggle issue until Raphina disappeared. Raphina asks when this happened, if it was before or after the dam, and Hilula says *"This is her thing. It's the dam. She goes on about this dam and how this dam is the worst thing that could have ever happened."* Will says he's never heard her say it, but Raphina admits she had brought it up a couple of times. Hilula points out to Gwen that the group are lying to cover each other. She says she doesn't know why they're in league with Raphina, but Batthwack's killed someone in the street and Will said he was going to kill her. Gwen says that Raphina is the most caring and compassionate one of the group.

Gwen asks Raphina straight up if she killed the people and Raphina insists she hasn't, though Hilula claims she did. Batthwack points out that they're both telling the truth. Hilula says Raphina is crazy. *"Of course I'm crazy. That's my thing!"* Gwen clarifies that Raphina is quirky, not crazy. Gwen asks how Raphina supposedly kills her victims and Hilula says she's killed men, women and children, indiscriminately. *"I don't even know how she does it. I've never seen someone as quick with a crossbow as her."*

Will is mad about the fact they rescued Hilula and looked after her and she's been betraying them the whole time. Hilula says it was the best chance she had at bringing Raphina in; she wouldn't have been able to do it alone. Gwen is feeling very confused about the situation. The spell shows they're both telling the truth, so she suggests they can only go to Beartoggle and see what they find there. Raphina agrees, but Will says there's no way he'll travel with Hilula and wants to do something about her. Hilula asks them to just let her go, but Will scoffs. Batthwack says *"Look, we know that Raphina isn't a killer but if we let her go and there's some other Raphina, first of all, she could be in danger, but second, she'll never be convinced of the truth."*

In a final bid to convince Hilula, Raphina asks Will to change his appearance to look like her, to demonstrate what magic can do to hide someone's true identify, but Will warns her that he can't change his size, so it might not have the desired effect if he just looks like a weird, tall version of her.

## Quotes

* Raphina: *"The goldfinch breeds late, not until the milkweed and thistle goes to seed"*

## Trivia

* The episode title quotes Eric who was responding to the conversation about Raphina's braided ear hair. Abby: *"It's like on the inside of the lobe and each one is just three strands that have been braided meticulously..."* Eric: *"So, nine hairs."* *"Yeah, it's nice though because they look like earrings because I curve them over my lobe and they attach on the other side."* Denise: *"Were they braided by little bugs?"* Abby: *"I don't want to admit it, but they were braided by the bugs before I smashed them for my bug museum."* Alex: *"That's the worst thing I know about Raphina now!"* Eric (imagining the exhibit label): *"Recently extinct hair braiding bugs."*
* At one point, Eric says: "You don't see like a hole shaped like a MacGuffin or anything like that" *-- see https://www.masterclass.com/articles/writing-101-what-is-a-macguffin-learn-about-macguffins-in-film-literature-and-popular-culture*
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: phenomenal.

## References

1. ↑ See Umami on Wikipedia
2. ↑ The axe Hilula carries is the one that Batthwack loaned her, when releasing her from prison - see episode 183: Rank the Taste of These Meats