The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2013

## Introduction

*Todd plays "The Monster" by Eminem ft. Rihanna on the piano*

***THE TOP TEN BEST HIT SONGS OF 2013
A year-end retrospective***

*He mashes the keys and lays his head down*

**Kyle**: *[pulling head up from book]* Todd? You okay?

**Todd**: *[clearly not]* Yeah, I'm fine.

**Kyle**: Were you going to do your Top Ten list?

**Todd**: Maybe...no...I don't wanna. I hated this year so much. It was just so bad.

**Kyle**: Well, that doesn't mean there weren't good things about this year, too.

**Todd**: I guess.

**Kyle**: You can do this. You just need to get up, *[Todd is about to drink]* find your positivity and... *[Todd starts opening a bottle of bourbon]* oh, dear.

**Paw**: *[plopping down on the couch]* Hey, what's wrong with Todd?

**Kyle**: He's drinking again.

*Todd takes a drink*

**Paw**: That's not good. We're still cleaning out the vomit from July.

**Elisa Hansen**: *[offstage]* Hey, what's going on?

**Paw**: Todd's off the wagon again.

**Elisa**: Let me talk to him.

*Elisa sits down*

**Todd**: Fall Out Boy fans...

**Elisa**: Hey, Todd, I know you've been depressed lately about your work, but you've still got your friends, and your fans *[A guy pops up behind couch with a knife]*, and everyone's been really looking forward to your... wait, is that *our* bourbon? *[Gasps]* You stole our alcohol again?! You still haven't replaced all the Captain Morgan you took last time! *[Todd takes another drink]* Damn it, you...you mooch! I can't believe you! This is the last time you're ever invited to any of our...

**Paw**: Kyle, you'd better handle this.

**Kyle**: Uh, Todd, I know you said that you didn't like this year very much, and I know you don't want to sit there and just praise songs that weren't very good.

**Todd**: *[drunk, putting bottle down]* No, they're good...probably better than last year's even.

**Kyle**: *[Paw peering in from side]* Well, see? There you go! You did more positive reviews this year than I've ever seen you do; that's half your list right there.

**Todd**: Actually, some of those songs didn't even make the list.

**Kyle**: *[Paw still peering in from side]* You have enough good songs, you've had to cut some of them back? Well, what are you waiting for? Get in there and be the best hooded... silhouetto of a man that you can be!

**Todd**: Yeah! Yeah, you're right. You're right, this year had plenty of good music, I'm just whining. I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna talk about the pop music I love. I...give me a second.

*Todd falls out of his chair, out of camera, and vomits. Kyle is about to say something, but thinks better of it and goes back to reading* The Disaster Artist*. Todd is still puking...*

***One hangover later...***

*Todd comes back to his post*

Let's do this!

***#THE #TOP #TEN #BEST #HIT SONGS #OF #2013***

*Video for DJ Drybones - "Waking Up," which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown*

## #10

**Todd (VO)**: #10.

**Todd**: I have lived in Virginia most of my life, but pretty recently, I've moved up north, and...how can you people stand it?!

*News footage of the massive snow storm*
**Todd (VO)**: It is butt-cold up here! And also butt-windy. It is cold and windy as a butt! As far as I'm concerned, the only reason people should be living anywhere further north than Atlantic City...

**Todd**: ...is because they're trapped there by a giant wall that *[brief clip from* Game of Thrones*]* keeps out the wildlings and White Walkers!

It's been an adjustment. *[intro for the song plays in the background]* But I'll tell you one song that has made living in the frozen North a little easier.

***#10. The Neighbourhood - "Sweater Weather"***

**Jesse Rutherford**: All I am is a man
**Todd (VO)**: Yes, thank you, indie upstarts, The Neighbourhood, this year's winner of the Fluke Indie Hit Sweepstakes.

**Jesse**: Use the sleeves of my sweater
Let's have an adventure
**Todd (VO)**: Whenever I think this bitter, nasty cold is the worst thing that ever happened on Earth, their song "Sweater Weather" always jumps into my head to remind me of...

**Todd**: ...the one good thing about the cold. *[Picks up Kali]* You can put a sweater on your dog. Aw, who wears a little sweater? Oh, who's so cute? Who's so cute? Who's a good puppy?

**Todd (VO)**: No, I think this song is about sex, actually.

**Jesse**: One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
**Todd**: I mean, just a guess.

**Todd (VO)**: And I gotta say, this song has done more to make cold weather attractive than a billion "Let It Snow"s or "Baby, It's Cold Outside"s.

**Todd**: Of course, *anything* is more attractive than *[cover of Dean Martin's...]* "Baby, It's Cold Outside," the original "Blurred Lines."

**Jesse**: 'Cause it's too cold
**Todd (VO)**: And it's nice to hear these guys bring some rockstar swagger into the world of scrawny hipster indie rock.

**Jesse**: Both your hands in the holes of my sweater
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, did you ever hear Foster the People sound like they were getting any?

**Todd**: The closest were *[picture of...]* Neon Trees, and they were nowhere near as convincing as these guys.

**Todd (VO)**: This would be higher on the list, except at the end, there's this...

**Todd**: ...inexplicable slow part, which...

*Slow part at end*
**Todd (VO)**: ...I'm honestly not sure was a good idea. Kinda kills the vibe. I don't know, does this part represent the hypothermia getting to them as they fall asleep and die?

**Jesse**: 'Cause it's too cold
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah, despite some minor misgivings, this song's still pretty great.

**Todd**: Now we just need a song about hoodie weather, and I'll be the coolest kid in school.

**Jesse**: It's too cold
It's too cold
The holes of my sweater
*Interlude*

#9
--

**Todd (VO)**: #9.

**Todd**: Since most of the big songs this year were pretty bad, a lot of my picks come from a little *lower* down the charts. *[Screen shot of Billboard Year-End Hot 100]* If Billboard said it was in the Top 100 this year, it counts. So, *[song begins...]* even though this song, I only heard about four times at best, well, you know, that's more of a failure of the music-buying public and not the artist, who is awesome. Always.

***#9. Mariah Carey ft. Miguel - "#Beautiful"***

**Mariah**: 'Cause it's beautiful, ooh you make me feel undressable
**Todd (VO)**: Mariah Carey is the best, and I will hear no word to the contrary. Ever. *Ever.* *[Poster of* Glitter*]* Except for that one terrible movie, which is terrible. But otherwise, yes, Mariah Carey is awesome, no discussion.

**Todd**: Mariah Carey isn't the best because she has the biggest range.

**Todd (VO)**: It's because she is just so damn happy to be singing.

**Mariah**: Don’t stop 'til you thrill me, oh how you thrill me
**Todd (VO)**: The difference between a Mariah and a Christina Aguilera is that Christina makes it all look like grueling work, and Mariah makes it sound utterly effortless, and her duet with up-and-comer Miguel is her best song in a decade. It's the kind of '60s soul classic love song that Springsteen's always singing about.

**Miguel**: And your mind is fucking beautiful
**Todd (VO)**: With a couple f-bombs, which...maybe I wouldn't have used. But otherwise, yeah, it's just amazing.

**Miguel**: Hop on the back of my bike
**Todd (VO)**: He's singing about his motorcycle; Springsteen definitely inspired at least a little of this.

**Mariah and Miguel**: You're beautiful, and your mind is...
**Todd (VO)**: Miguel also more than carries up his half, I think I finally get why he's famous, but let's face it, he's still a little bit out of his league. They both sing about how beautiful each other are, but there's a reason the camera's lingering on her body and not his.

**Todd**: You'd best believe, if that were Usher instead, *his* body would be getting equal time.

**Mariah**: Ooh-ooh-ooh...
**Miguel**: Hop on back my bike darling
**Todd (VO)**: I don't know, this song just *barely* qualified as a hit, but goddamn, do I love it. I hope Mariah never stops singing. She's a good way into her third decade of hit-making, and she just never stops sounding beautiful.

**Todd**: You know what's *not* beautiful though? *[Single cover]* Hashtags. Seriously, that can stop at any time.

**Mariah and Miguel**: Ooh-ooh-ooh...
*Interlude*

#8
--

**Todd (VO)**: #8.

**Todd**: I'm used to complaining about pop songs, but 2013 was the year that pop songs *also* started complaining about pop songs.

*Video for Lorde - "Royals"*
**Lorde**: But every song's like gold teeth, Grey Goose, trippin' in the bathroom
Bloodstains, ballgowns, trashin' the hotel room
**Todd**: Well, not *every* song's like that; that'd have been more accurate a few years ago. But I get you, I mean, it's not like materialism is a dead fad or anything.

**Todd (VO)**: No, I like "Royals," I do. There's something about Lorde's populist stance and her carefully maintained poise that really does strike a chord. But still, I'll be honest, "Royals" is easier to like for what it *isn't* than what it is. I don't know, I just feel like, if you're gonna tear down the tired old world that pop's built up...

**Todd**: ...you need to have an attractive vision to replace it. *[Song begins]* And one song did just that.

***#8. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Wanz - "Thrift Shop"***

**Wanz**: I'm gonna pop some tags
Only got twenty dollars in my pocket
I'm-I'm-I'm huntin'
**Todd**: "Damn, that is a cold-ass honky!"...is a thing people apparently say.

**Macklemore**: Walk up to the club, like, "what up, I got a big cock."
**Todd (VO)**: Now here's a song that clears a way to the bright, shining new future. No more shall we listen to tedious bragging about wearing the flashiest, most expensive fashion of the moment and all the ridiculous luxury porn that comes with it. No, Macklemore has a bold new vision.

**Todd**: Cheap-ass secondhand clothes! Yes, this is what we have to look forward to.

**Macklemore**: Coppin' it, washin' it, 'bout to go and get some compliments
**Todd (VO)**: And quite honestly, thrift shopping is kind of a stupid thing to rap about, but he sold me on it completely—a sense of coolness that's dictated by something *other than* a price tag. That's astounding.

**Todd**: So update your "hot or not" fashion lists now—*[poster for...]* Tom Ford is out, *[picture of forklift full of clothes]* Goodwill is in.

**Macklemore**: Thank your granddad...
**Todd (VO)**: Matter of fact, *[single cover of "Sweater Weather"]* The Neighbourhood can probably thank "Thrift Shop" for their success too. It's a lot easier to get someone to put their hands in the holes of your sweater...

**Todd**: ...when your sweater's already full of holes.

**Wanz**: I'll wear your granddad's clothes
**Todd (VO)**: I kinda want this song to be as disruptive to the current state of music as "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was.

**Todd**: Out with the old excess and in with the new, I say.

**Wanz**: This is fucking awesome
**Macklemore**: Ha ha ha
*Interlude*

#7
--

**Todd (VO)**: #7.

**Todd**: Speaking of Macklemore, how about a little Mackle*more?* Hah.

***#7. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Ray Dalton - "Can't Hold Us"***

**Ray**: Can we go back, this is the moment
Tonight is the night, we’ll fight 'til it’s over
So we put our hands up like the ceiling can’t hold us
Like the ceiling can’t hold us
**Todd**: I think I need to point out here that Macklemore is more than Macklemore. The full name of the act is Macklemore & Ryan Lewis.

**Todd (VO)**: And Lewis is especially important here because this may be the single best beat Lewis will ever make.

**Macklemore**: *[as Todd gets down]* Na na na na na na na na
**Todd**: See? You see, Katy Perry? You want to make a pump-up anthem, it actually has to pump you up.

*Brief clip of Katy Perry - "Roar"*
**Todd (VO)**: And both those songs start with, like, high-treble piano chords, but Ryan Lewis makes it punch. And for some reason, it never sounds like when *I* try to play it.

*Todd places the sheet music and attempts the beginning of the song*

**Todd**: What am I doing wrong?

**Todd (VO)**: The song just keeps building up on that riff. The drums, the brass band, this is the most propulsive song the Hot 100 spat out at us this year. Of course, Macklemore's presence is no small thing either.

**Macklemore**: Return of the Mack, get up!
What it is, what it does, what it is, what it isn’t.
**Todd (VO)**: Lorde may be tired of being told to put her hands in the air, but even *she* might get in it just this once because Macklemore is just killing it.

**Macklemore**: And I’m eating at the beat like you gave a little speed to a great white shark on Shark Week
**Todd (VO)**: "Can't Hold Us" is probably the song that will make Macklemore. "Thrift Shop" broke him through, but it should've consigned him to one-hit-wonderdom. "Can't Hold Us" is a statement of purpose. This is where Mack proves that he is an honest-to-God superstar, and we'll see where he goes from here. He's got some high expectations to live up to, come that next album.

**Todd**: But I think he can make it. The ceiling, after all, can't hold him.

**Macklemore**: Mackle-a-a-a-a-more!
*Interlude*

#6
--

**Todd (VO)**: #6.

**Todd**: *[song begins, Todd has to say it...]* Okay, fine, I don't hate One Direction anymore.

***#6. One Direction - "Best Song Ever"***

**One Direction**: And we danced all night
To the best song ever
We knew every line
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, I don't like them enough to know which one is which yet, I know there's one named Zayn with a Y, which is awful. But that's about it.

**Todd**: But yeah, I'm going to give them a thumbs up, even though just a year earlier, they were one of my least favorite things about being alive.

**Harry**: Maybe it's the way she walked
**Todd (VO)**: That's kind of the way I am. You can have one good song in you, and I don't mean the "best song ever," just one good song and I will cut you some slack, even if you're more like one of the worst groups ever. *[Clip of...]* I mean, there shouldn't be *any* excusing "Little Things"; that should get you permanently blacklisted from polite society.

And yet, here we are. "Best Song Ever" is just a fantastic song. I mean, I'll have to rename this a bit. *[Edits cover to create "6th Best Hit Song of 2013"]* Add that...put that over here...cross that out...there we go. That's still something, right?

**Todd**: *[singing] And we danced all night to the 6th-best hit song of 2013.*

**Harry**: 1, 2, 3
**One Direction**: And we danced all night
**Todd (VO)**: You know what, I'm glad One Direction have started making music that isn't just creepy, manipulative negging. I mean, I *wanted* to like them. They all seem like nice kids. You don't see them driving drunk and getting arrested, that's all I'm saying.

**Todd**: Of course we'll see what happens in a couple years. But until then, "Best Song Ever," *[gives thumbs up]* good stuff.

**One Direction**: It was the best song ever
*Interlude*

#5
--

**Todd (VO)**: #5.

*Video for...*
**Justin**: Let me show you a few things
**Voice**: You ready, JT?
**Todd**: He'd damn well better be ready. He hasn't released anything in seven goddamn years!

***#5. Justin Timberlake ft. Jay-Z - "Suit & Tie"***

**Justin**: And as long as I got my suit and tie
I'ma leave it all on the floor tonight
And you got fixed up to the nines
Let me show you a few things
**Todd (VO)**: "Suit & Tie" is, above all else, an act of colossal arrogance.

**Todd**: Justin Timberlake picked up his career as though we wouldn't notice that he basically ended it years ago, like you just walk out, and we don't hear a thing from you in years, and then you just waltz right back in like nothing happened, *you can't keep doing this to us, Justin!*

**Justin**: Stop, let me get a good look at it
**Todd**: *[almost in tears]* I love you so much.

**Justin**: She ain't nothing but a little doozie when she does it
**Todd (VO)**: I can't help it, I'm just a sucker for a good retro track, and spoilers: we've got more of those coming up. And that's why I do my best to live up, as much as possible, to the sheer timelessness of Justin's vision of old school charm and class.

**Todd**: I mean, I'm wearing a suit and tie right now under this hoodie. (as far as you know) What? I own a suit. *[Picture of guy wearing a suit a few sizes too small]* I've had it since, like, I was fifteen, and it doesn't really fit the same anymore, but yeah, I got one. I can be just like Justin.

**Justin**: I can't wait 'til I get you on the floor, good-looking
Going hot, so hot, just like an oven
And I'll burn myself, but just had to touch it
**Todd (VO)**: *[on Justin's slide to the mic]* I can do that.

*Todd tries to slide up to his microphone four times. Each time he slips and hurts himself. The last time, the light falls on top of him.*

**Justin**: And as long as I got my suit and tie
**Todd (VO)**: Okay, forgive me for that. I just want to do everything that Justin does. I want to be this famous just so I can someday afford a music video that makes me look this cool.

**Todd**: *[sniffling]* Don't ever leave again.

*Video ends*
*Interlude*

#4
--

*Clip of Lady Gaga - "Poker Face"*
**Todd (VO)**: Ever since she was launched onto the scene in 2008, I've repeatedly said my suspicion that Lady Gaga was always just a bunch of pretentious layers hiding an empty hole in the center. *[Album cover of...]* But having now listened to her third album *Artpop*...

**Todd**: ...I realize that I was, in fact, completely wrong. *Now* she's a pretentious empty hole. She used to be fine.

*Clip of...*
**Todd (VO)**: Yes, I deeply underestimated how much "Born This Way" humanized the enigmatic superstar and the crazy outfits. *[Clip of...]* But that was in the past, and just like "Applause" portended, Lady Gaga is now far into the process of *[picture of snake swallowing itself]* swallowing her own tail. That's not a picture of a snake, by the way; that's just another one of her outfits.

**Todd**: But I will say this though. When she gets out of her head, she can still make some damn good pop music.

***#4. Lady Gaga ft. R. Kelly - "Do What U Want"***

*Live performance at American Music Awards*

**Lady Gaga**: You can't have my heart
And you won't use my mind but
Do what you want with my body
Do what you want with my body
**Todd (VO)**: At first glance, "Do What U Want" is another "Poker Face"—a song about being sexually open, but emotionally closed off. But if you look closer, you'll see it's actually about her increasingly touchy relationship with the press.

**Gaga**: Write what you want
Say what you want 'bout me
If you’re wondering
Know that I'm not sorry
**Todd**: You know, Gaga, you wrote a whole song *[brief clip of "Paparazzi"]* glorifying them; you kinda brought this on yourself.

**Todd (VO)**: But regardless, for someone whose work can be gloriously messy, "Do What U Want" is probably the tightest song she's ever written.

**Todd**: I will admit, though, that out of all the songs on this list, this is the one I'm the most uncomfortable with including because, um...one of the people who sings on it is a literal child molester.

**R. Kelly**: And I'd love to hear you sing, girl
Do what I want
Do what I want with your body
**Todd**: I cannot emphasize this enough, do not let R. Kelly do what he wants, do what he wants with your body. He...because he pees on people, is where I'm going with this.

*Clip of "Thrift Shop"*
**Macklemore**: Pissssss....
**R. Kelly**: Early morning, longer nights
Tom Ford, private flights
**Todd (VO)**: Yeah...R. Kelly's on this song, and he changes it in all sorts of weird ways. This song is about Gaga surrendering control of her public image while defiantly retaining her identity. But...

**Todd**: ...R. Kelly does not think that abstractly.

**R. Kelly**: Back of the club, taking shots, getting naughty
**Todd (VO)**: It's...it's cute that Gaga thinks R. Kelly would care even one littlest bit about her mind or heart or anything else besides the body.

**Todd**: He does not give one shit about those other things.

**R. Kelly**: We don't give a...
**Todd (VO)**: But I can't help it. I've always loved R. Kelly's music, and his part is just fantastic. I just love hearing his voice.

**Todd**: I *really* wish he wasn't such a disgustingly evil human being.

*Clip of performance with Christina Aguilera on* The Voice
**Todd (VO)**: For those made uncomfortable listening to an honest-to-God pedophile, Gaga was kind enough to record a new version with Christina Aguilera. It is not better than the R. Kelly version, but it is the best thing Christina's done in a long, long time.

**Todd**: Yes, "Do What U Want"—a song so good, even Christina Aguilera sounds like she knows what she's doing when she's singing it. That's quality. Wonder if she'll ever have a hit of her own again.

**Gaga and Christina**: ...what you want with my body, world
*Interlude*

#3
--

**Todd (VO)**: #3.

*Video begins...*
**Kendrick Lamar**: Pour up
**Todd**: Drank.

**Kendrick**: Head shot
**Todd**: Drank.

**Kendrick**: Sit down
**Todd**: Drank.

**Kendrick**: Stand up
**Todd**: Drank.

***#3. Kendrick Lamar - "Swimming Pools (Drank)"***

**Kendrick**: Why you babysittin' only 2 or 3 shots?
I'ma show you how to turn it up a notch
First you get a swimming pool full of liquor, then you dive in it
Pool full of liquor, then you dive in it
**Todd (VO)**: I like Macklemore and all, but as far as I'm concerned, the hip hop world belongs to Kendrick Lamar right now. *[Single cover of...]* "Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe" would be my #1 song, had it been a hit, and close behind is Kendrick's first big hit, "Swimming Pools (Drank)"—a song about how difficult it is to resist the temptation of the bottle and the culture that glorifies it.

**Todd**: And it strikes a deep chord with me. Now, I'm not much of a drinker myself. *[brief clip of Todd drinking, "literally fifteen minutes ago."]* But I have seen other people depend on alcohol. I mean, *I* went to college.

**Kendrick**: Now I done grew up
Round some people living their life in bottles
**Todd (VO)**: Even when it's fun, there's an undercurrent of your life being sucked away. Again, not that I know personally. And this song, it just captures it, that relentless need to drown your sorrow, or... not even your sorrow necessarily, just that voice in your head saying, "just, you know, one more drink." There's plenty of rap songs about alcohol, but not that many about alcoholism, which is why it kind of had to sneak in under the radar.

**Kendrick**: First you get a swimming pool full of liquor, then you dive in it
**Todd (VO)**: It's an anti-drinking song disguised as a drinking anthem.

**Todd**: Or...possibly the other way around 'cause it's a weirdly good song to drink to.

**Kendrick**: I ride, you ride, bang
One chopper, one hundred shots, bang
**Todd (VO)**: I don't know, it repeats the word "drank" enough that it kinda starts getting hard to resist. It's like...

**Todd**: ...subliminal advertising.

**Kendrick**: Pour up (drank, drank), head shot (drank, drank)
Sit down (drank, drank), stand up (drank, drank)
Pass out (drank, drank), wake up (drank, drank)
Faded (drank, drank), faded (drank, drank)
*Over the second line's instances of "drank", the smoking subliminal message cutaway from the* Family Guy *episode "Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington" appears on screen. Cuts to Todd from the third line onwards, where he slowly lifts a glass, but thinks better of it and puts it down.*

**Todd**: Bad influence, Mr. Lamar.

**Kendrick**: Faded (drank, drank), faded (drank, drank)
*Interlude*

#2
--

**Todd (VO)**: #2.

**Todd**: I struggled mightily choosing between #2 and #1. This next song unfortunately lost the battle to be my pick for the best this year, but it's definitely the one I listened to the most this year. Like, I wouldn't be surprised if I listened to it close to every single day since I first heard it. This song is just that good. And what musical genius brought it to you?

*Video begins...*
**Voice**: Baby squirrel, you’s a sexy motherfucker
*Todd gets down to...*

***#2. Bruno Mars - "Treasure"***

**Bruno**: Treasure, that is what you are
Honey, you're my golden star
**Todd (VO)**: Having already proven he can do *[brief clip of "Locked Out of Heaven"]* the Police circa 1977, Bruno now shows that he can also do Kool & the Gang circa 1980. I didn't even know early 80s R&B was a thing I was nostalgic for, no one ever seems to say any good things about that *[picture of The Gap Band]* awkward era of R&B between the Afro and the Jheri curl, but...

**Todd**: ...goddamn, Bruno makes a good case for it.

**Bruno**: Give me your, give me your, give me your attention, baby
**Todd (VO)**: I just wanna go back and find all the retro funk music videos I can, although trust me, even when they're trying to be bad at it, Bruno and his crew have much better dance moves than the people he's paying homage to.

*Clip of the Commodores - "Lady (You Bring Me Up)"*
**Commodores**: Lady, you bring me up when I'm down
**Todd**: Hee-hee-hee.

**Bruno**: A girl like you should never look so blue
**Todd (VO)**: I just love every single thing about this song. I love every shot of the video, and by all accounts, I should be annoyed at the lyrics, which kinda run the same game as One Direction saying, "you don't know you're beautiful," but even *that* kinda works.

**Bruno**: Treasure
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, its kinda sleazy lyrics fit so well into the song's joyously cheesy vibe.

*Clip of performance on* The Voice*. Todd is dancing in his seat*
**Bruno**: Let me treasure you all night, darling
**Todd (VO)**: I really wish Bruno would quit trying to carve out his own identity and just remake old genres. This is, by far, the most charming thing he will ever, ever do.

**Todd**: Treasure it.

**Bruno**: Thank you.
## Honorable Mentions

**Todd**: And now, before we get to #1, a quick shout-out to some runners-up that deserve some honorable mentions.

***Ariana Grande ft. Mac Miller - "The Way"***

**Ariana**: I love the way, I love the way
**Todd (VO)**: Ariana Grande is so much more talented than Miley, Selena or Demi Lovato, it's just, it's embarrassing.

**Todd**: But she doesn't ride naked on construction equipment, so she's at a disadvantage.

**Todd (VO)**: Ashanti songs from 2002 was another thing I didn't realize I was nostalgic for, by the way.

***Zedd ft. Foxes - "Clarity"***

**Foxes**: High dive into frozen waves
**Todd (VO)**: Of all the electronica hits that came out this year, "Clarity" was my favorite. This would have been on the list, honestly, except for one little issue I couldn't get around. No matter how I hear it, I can't make the most important lyric make any sense to me.

**Foxes**: If our love's insanity
Why are you my clarity?
**Todd**: That doesn't make... I can't put my finger on what's wrong with that, but it just bugs me. Eh.

***Lorde - "Royals"***

**Lorde**: We'll never be royals (royals)
**Todd (VO)**: For the record, I like Lorde *way* more than Lana Del Rey, her most obvious predecessor. We'll see if she can keep it up.

***Mumford & Sons - "I Will Wait"***

**Marcus Mumford**: And I will wait, I will wait for you
**Todd (VO)**: Okay, I like Mumford & Sons just fine, but, you know, the first song I ever heard from them is "Little Lion Man," and I'm still waiting for them to make another song that good.

***Capital Cities - "Safe and Sound"***

**Capital Cities**: We're safe and sound
**Todd (VO)**: I like these guys a lot. I highly recommend their album. Their second song, "Kangaroo Court," would have ranked pretty high on my list, had it been a hit.

***Brad Paisley ft. LL Cool J - "Accidental Racist"***

**Brad**: I'm proud of where I'm from
**LL Cool J**: If you don't judge my gold chains
**Todd (VO)**: Ha ha. Just kidding.

**Todd**: And now, with that out of the way, let's finish this year off.

*Interlude*

#1
--

**Todd (VO)**: #1.

**Todd**: I've seen a lot of people speculate what my #1 song would be this year, and based on what people have guessed, I'm...pretty predictable. What can I say? I thought long and hard, I deliberated for weeks, but from pretty much the first moment I heard it, there was only ever gonna be one thing that was gonna be my #1 pick for 2013.

*Video for...*
Surprise.

***#1. Daft Punk ft. Pharrell - "Get Lucky"***

**Pharrell**: She's up all night to the sun
I'm up all night to get some
She's up all night for good fun
I'm up all night to get lucky
**Todd**: What a fascinating approach this "Daft Punk" guy has come up with—dance music you can actually dance to. Has anyone told Calvin Harris about this bold new development?

**Pharrell**: Like the legend of the phoenix
**Todd (VO)**: Someone asked me once who were gonna be the musicmakers that everyone in the future will just know and love and will be really shocked if they weren't the biggest stars in the universe back when they were still performing, and I told them, probably Daft Punk. And God knows they weren't ever exactly obscure. I'm probably underestimating how famous they were, but...you know, they didn't do interviews, their stuff doesn't get much radio play or anything.

**Todd**: They don't even have faces. How much would your average man on the street have known about them? Anything?

*Clips of...*
**Todd (VO)**: I mean, they may have heard "One More Time" a handful of times; *[..."Derezzed"...]* maybe they remember seeing them in the background of that *Tron* movie they eventually caught on blu-ray; if you really push them, they might remember some dancing robots in a Gap commercial.

**Todd**: I can't believe that ever happened. But I guess I was wrong because...

**Todd (VO)**: ...now here they are, like the legend of the phoenix. Legitimately, a couple of the most famous musicians in the universe with an honest-to-God smash pop hit.

**Todd**: As much as I rag on EDM this year, it seems only fitting that its biggest stars should top my list.

**Todd (VO)**: Okay, yeah, calling this EDM is a bit of a stretch. For all intents and purposes, this is a classic disco tune, right down to the presence of legendary disco guitarist and producer Nile Rodgers. And I've been a fan of Pharrell since high school; it's just great to see him here.

**Todd**: Too bad his biggest hit this year was "Blurred Lines"—a song which gets worse and worse every time I hear it.

**Todd (VO)**: Honestly, "Get Lucky" is kind of too boringly perfect to really merit any discussion. I'm kind of at a loss, I don't know what to say here. A world where "Get Lucky" doesn't get big is a world that just plain isn't working correctly. I just love this song so much, it's like a part of me. It's like it's always been around.

*Clips of "Treasure," "Do What U Want," "Suit & Tie," "Can't Hold Us" and "Best Song Ever"*
Raised the bar is exactly what Daft Punk did this year, and I cannot find words to praise it enough. All hail our new robot overlords.

**Todd**: Daft Punk - "Get Lucky"—best song of the year.

*Gets up and leaves*

*Video ends*
*Closing tag song: Icona Pop featuring Charli XCX - "I Love It"*

***THE END
2013 Mashup: "Waking Up" by DJ Drybones
Special thanks to all my friends, here and elsewhere***

## Footnotes

1. ↑ #16 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2014; did not appear on 2013 list
2. ↑ #75 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2014; did not appear on 2013 list
3. ↑ #2 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
4. ↑ #81 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
5. ↑ #1 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
6. ↑ #5 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
7. ↑ #10 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
8. ↑ #74 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
9. ↑ #20 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
10. ↑ #37 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
11. ↑ #84 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2014; did not appear on 2013 list
12. ↑ #79 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
13. ↑ #30 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
14. ↑ #11 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
15. ↑ #31 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
16. ↑ #24 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
17. ↑ #15 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
18. ↑ #52 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
19. ↑ #29 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
20. ↑ Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #77; more known as the subject of a major media controversy.
21. ↑ #14 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
22. ↑ #28 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100