Mishka: Seven Seconds In

When Goro got home a second time and told Mishka about his meeting with Pride, Mishka heard him out, then stuffed his face into a pillow and screamed.

He went for a walk outside to get his bearings straight. He went to the small temple at the edge of the lake and climbed up into the empty alcove where he often hid.

He liked Bee on a gut level. He wished someone had seen what Aleksei was doing to him and said, “These are tactics used by manipulators-- cutting off any support or help.” He wished someone had said what Bee had said: “I would like to help him, and get him safely away from it.“ He wished someone had been firm and persistent. He would’ve resisted, like Sam had resisted. He wished someone had pushed through that and stolen him away.

The idea of someone like Aleksei touching Sam made Mishka feel insane.

Mishka imagined someone like Aleksei holding Sam and petting his hair. Someone like Aleksei gently convincing Sam that people were terrible and bad. Someone like Aleksei quietly cutting any ties Sam had to the real world. Creating a problem and then presenting himself as Sam’s savior. Breaking Sam and then offering him a splint.

He thought about Bee saying: “We’ll sedate him. He’ll be asleep as much as possible. He’ll be with his demon.“

Mishka wanted to kill Pride.

He put his head in his hands.

He wanted to carefully and patiently help Sam bring Pride to the Mortal Plane, and then-- once Pride was here-- tell Bee where the demon was so Bee could kill him. It no longer mattered if Pride was guilty or not. Mishka wanted to kill him just to make certain. Then he could support Sam. Sam would be safe with him.

Mishka tasted bile in the back of his mouth. He was pretty sure he was getting so anxious he was going to throw up.

He breathed slowly in and out, counting. Seven seconds in. Hold for seven seconds. Seven seconds out. Hold for seven seconds  Seven seconds in. Hold for seven seconds. Seven seconds out.

He felt trapped.

If he told Sam his concerns, Sam would feel betrayed. Sam loved this thing. Most of the world was against him-- refusing to help, biased against his lover-- but Mishka and Goro listened to him and supported him without condemning him. Sam would feel so fucking betrayed if he knew Mishka’s doubts.

But what if that was just another tactic to keep him in line? Another way Pride manipulated people?

He felt broken inside, like he was no longer a good judge of character. He liked Bee and sympathized with them, and he liked Pride and sympathized with Pride as well. He wished he had Goro’s steady good sense and his strong gut feelings. He felt like he’d had an inner compass, once, but someone had stepped on it, and now he was poking at the broken pieces and trying to make it point in the right direction.

But it didn’t matter how gently he prodded and poked the compass. It didn’t work anymore. And Mishka wasn’t a skilled clockmaker. He could not figure out how to put it back together.

He sat there quietly and had a silent panic attack.

Eventually, he thought, he would calm down, and he’d find a way out. He just needed to breathe, give himself some time and space, and figure this out.

Sometimes when Mishka was very upset, he tried to externalize the problem by imagining that this was Hansel’s problem and not his. And then he tried to imagine what he would say to Hansel to Hansel if Hansel came to him with this problem.

He loved Hansel. Hansel was good.

Mishka would probably hug him. And he’d probably say… ”Your feelings are understandable, beloved. You were abused. It’s like you have a broken leg that hasn’t had time to heal properly, and somebody kicked it. Of course you fell down. Of course you’re in pain. You’re having a bad reaction.“

He would probably say that... There was a possibility Sam’s demon was abusing him and isolating him, but there was no way to tell for certain, yet.

He would probably say that it made sense to like Bee, because Bee was calm, and steady, and understanding. It was possible Bee was wrong, though, and Pride was harmless.

Mishka would advise Hansel to be quiet, and patient, and wait. Help Pride get to the mortal plane, then wait and see how he behaved. Stop Bee from hurting anyone. Pride was a person too, and he didn’t deserve to be convicted and killed for a crime he didn’t commit.

Maybe Mishka could do that, then.

He swallowed several more times. He was pretty sure he was going to throw up. He usually did when shit like this happened. But he once he was done vomiting, he’d pick himself up and put himself back together. He’d go home for the night, and he’d curl up with Hansel and Goro in their bed-- Hansel, who was steady, and Goro, who was clever.

Mishka waited until he could breathe again, and then he went home.