Grumpy Koala

> Please just fucking cease.
>
> -Grumpy Koala

> Koala, you're not funny.
>
> -Masterbuilt117

**Grumpy Koala**, formerly known as Callzter, is an OG member of the HelloGreedo Cantina.

Notorious for his snark, hyperbole, and passive aggressive jokes, he is essentially a walking microaggression, and a common starter of many shit-flinging contests you might find in the main server chats. It's frankly incredible that he has yet to be permanently banned in the five years he's been on the server, although he has came frighteningly close many, many times.

Beyond everything else about him, (which we will get to, don't you worry,) this fact alone of his apparent immortality has frustrated many newer members of the server, who believe that he is treated more softly by the staff with some kind of unfair double standard. This is an objectively correct assessment, and the sole reason that this is the case is because he's an OG member, and literally nothing else. Koala is very aware of this fact, and it often seems sometimes that he posts borderline stuff for the sole purpose of seeing what he can get away with.

This has given him one of the worst reputations on the entire server, worse perhaps than even Jack Evans, which *should* make him some kind of overarching villain at least, but it hasn't, because he just isn't very persistent. He will very quickly back down at the first word if the staff tell him to stop doing something. He is basically the textbook definition of a bootlicker who still enjoys testing his luck.

## History

Koala first arrived on the server in September of 2017 in a different identity all together- Callzter, with a profile picture of a blue wave. This would change some time later when he wanted to more closely identify himself with his Australian heritage, and so he became the Grumpy Koala; the worst long-running member in the history of the server.

The most enduring aspect of Koala's reputation is his rabid, unwavering defense of almost every aspect of *Star Wars: The Last Jedi*. Even almost five years after its release, he still refuses to concede that it was anything less than Godfather-tier cinema. Back in early 2018, when the #debates chat wasn't castrated and heavily moderated by Masterbuilt, Koala was essentially its final boss. He was the pinnacle of the debate bro archetype, destroying all "detractors" with only the best facts and logic. This had gotten him in *serious* hot water too many times to count, and in fact it frayed many potential relationships that he could have had very early on.

As time went on however, Koala gradually stopped talking about *The Last Jedi* (thank God) and started discussing other films and media. This eventually inspired him to study screenwriting in university, which he is currently doing, and is annoyingly eager to tell everyone.

### The Venom Joowbear Incident

On the 14th of January 2019, Koala was the main victim in an incident in which he was severely harassed by Venom JoowBear after bringing up *The Last Jedi* in a voice call. This left him with harsh PTSD he's still working on to escape from.

### The VivStrawberry Incident

On the 8th of May 2020, a date that will live in infamy, Grumpy Koala and VivStrawberry debated the conflicting concepts of objectivity and subjectivity in the field of art. And, wow. It was a mess. The #debates chat had quickly turned into a fullly-fledged shit-flinging competition on postmodernism and the "degeneracy" of modern art.

Koala was of the opinion that art is a largely subjective field. He argued that the beauty of postmodern works such as the infamous banana taped to a wall was in the eye of the beholder, and although it wasn't to his own liking, he had no misgivings towards anyone who might call it good art.

Viv, by contrast, was far stricter and precise in how one would define good art. She argued that all good art must, by definition, have purpose and intent, and "random shit" like a banana taped to a wall or a messy landscape of random colours lacks any such things, and thus they do not qualify as good art. She even went so far as to call the aforementioned postmodern art "degenerate art", to which Koala pushed back on harshly, calling her an "art authoritarian."

And then, it escalated. Viv started calling Koala a degenerate for mildly defending postmodernism, Koala started comparing her to a fascist, and the entire argument careened out of control and was quickly shut down and quarantined by the staff. This single argument was so toxic, so inflammatory, that it was the straw that broke the camel's back and forced Masterbuilt to castrate the #debates chat all together, giving it more rules preventing argumentative escalation and officially renaming it #chill-debates.

Koala is still annoyed to this day that he never got to finish his point.

## Persona

Koala is infamous for being genuinely, no exaggeration, absolutely unhinged. Probably the closest the Cantina will ever get to its own Patrick Bateman, although Koala himself much prefers to be compared to Billy Butcher from *The Boys.* Besides being notorious for his rabid defense of *The Last Jedi*, he will frequently go on deranged rants about society ~~and its imminent collapse~~ and his place in it. If you encounter any situation on the server in which Koala is engaging in this type of Joker-mode behavior, the easiest thing to do as a defense mechanism is just mention the Emu War, to which you will be greeted with a series of colorful messages referencing your mother.

On a contrasting note, it is more than possible to have a positive interaction with the deranged marsupial. Koala still gets along very well with members such as Giggles, Evolved Turtle, JoshTheBirateLord, GeekSourceEnt, SalmonElla, Detale, and other prominent members. He is known for his verbose wall-of-text discussions that often involve a lot of political subtext hinting at his far-left politics, and although this might sound grating, it can still be worth listening to from time to time, at least because you get to find out what the radical thinks.

## Trivia

* He has been trolled many times to the point he asked his good friend, Napoleon, to help him.
* His grandfather was the Headmaster of Kingspark School in Dundee, where Ewan McGregor's mother, Carol Diane, had once worked as Deputy Head Teacher.
* He is closely related to billionaire theatre producer Cameron Mackintosh and *Leaving Las Vegas* director Mike Figgis.