D&D Season 2

Welcome back, my fellow LBG and all the other 2 people who read this (to whom I apologize). If you read Season 1, already, then you're ready to read this page, but you really shouldn't.

I’m sorry to say we never got around to GTA heisting as was promised, to the point where it has placed a curse on our L4D2 winrate. A touch of “we started too late” here, a dash of “secret 500MB update” there, the fate of Beecher X will forever remain unknown. But in the meantime, we’re back with another historic round of Dungeons and Tedcrag.

## Episode XXXI: The Emperor's New Groove

We last left our heroes in an unknown kingdom, in a mysterious palace talking to ~~Vigil~~ an intelligence. Gulliman started off Season 2 doing what he does best - business! He talked to the intelligence for several hours, asking it many more questions of that nature. Eventually, everyone got a move on. But what to do? They had no idea where they were, or how they could leave this place. Or even what to do when they got out of there, but they’d figure it out in due time.

Esir came to his senses, recovering from his injuries thanks to some healing. He learned everything he missed from the VI, and was incredibly pissed at the headmaster. Iorveth meanwhile was sulking in a corner, having a hard time to adjusting to his current predicament and still in denial about his son.

It was time to leave; Tedcrag took charge, leading the group through a series of hallways, carefully avoiding a single guard. The LBG all felt a sense of dread, knowing that the last time they had snooped through a palace it had resulted in lost body parts and the travesty that was the Iris and Olgierd saga. But this time they weren’t looking for a book, they just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

Realizing a group of three humans, a dwarf, and two dragons seemed more like a theater troupe than a stealth unit, they decided to send Gralak out on his own to investigate. He had, after all, stolen a rod from the elves under their nose… and started a war because of it, but that’s besides the point. In his investigation he learned of a royal party going on. After telling this to the others, Esir used magic to disguise him as an elven guard. In his disguise, he tried to talk his way inside the party, but was denied by the guard's superior officer.

It was time for Plan B. Esir accompanied Gralak to upstairs, looking for a higher-ranked guard. Instead, they found a painting of the emperor. Esir used what little magical... sorry, *matter manipulative* energy he had left to disguise Gralak as the emperor. And what happened after that will be remembered by the people that day for eons to come.

Gralak walked back to the rest of the group and tried to fool them into thinking he was the real emperor, almost getting killed by Nesi in the process. But it was just a prank, bro, so all was forgiven. In his emperor disguise, Gralak convinced the confused guards to leave and then peered his head inside the party. But as he did so, Tedcrag and Gulliman were overcome by a strange sensation.

**Caput II: Carpe Diem (et Battlecry)**

George fracti pedem in Deum per superiora. Iratus igne suo. In an instant, qui oppressi Nesi in smithereens, quasi cepa est. 'Abi hinccum thot "dixit. Her ventrem volitabat. Maecenas in stuporem in spatiumque nihil viderunt. John interrogavit eum si pignus a droid (?), George dixit "non" incepit, et aures ut Ioannes de sanguine indignus erat ut de sericeus, George sermonis auditus. Carus Virgil, interim versabantur, flectebant genua George ut eius unius veri Dei.

**Finis**

They snapped out of it, though their eyes were watering for some reason. Gralak stepped into the party proper, seeing hundreds of people - mostly elves, but other species too. And when they saw him, everything went silent. They all stood up and bowed to Gralak. Gralak proceeded to make a shitty speech that was probably a reference to something and everyone in the room naturally gave him an enormous round of applause, despite not understanding a word of it.

Fortunately, the real emperor was nowhere to be found. After things died down, Gralak stepped up to one of his guards and asked for his friends to be escorted out. When given the choice of economy or first class, Gralak of course demanded the royal escort… which involved waiting about 10 more minutes. During this time, Iorveth (who kept mispronouncing his own name, for some reason) wandered over to a table of Hydraconians and started talking to them. Tedcrag swiftly followed after him.

Iorveth told the dragons about where he came from, luckily leaving out any LBG-related elements, and that he needed to get home. Thankfully, out of context he looked like a rambling lunatic, and Tedcrag played this to his advantage, making Iorveth look like a senile old man and explaining as much to the other dragons. The other dragons nodded in understanding and Tedcrag managed to persuade Iorveth to come with him.

Gralak saw some of this commotion, and made his way to the Hydraconian table. He arranged a meeting with them - right there in that room - that he would not attend, but also told them of a trio of travelers who would soon be making their way to Hydraco. While the trio had not actually talked about this at all yet, their souls had already collectively determined that going to Hydraco and looking for another VI there seemed like a logical next step. Sometimes your souls just make decisions for you, you know?

The royal escort finally arrived, with sixteen guards. Gralak gave one last dramatic speech, and our six travelers were taken out in a fancy royal carriage. They headed towards a nearby town, and while inside the royal carriage Gralak’s magic disguise wore off. Sadly during the royal ball he had found no prince whose slipper he could fit in, but perhaps another day.

A problem arose when the carriage arrived at its destination, and its driver not seeing the emperor. “The emperor… is tired.” Gralak said twice, but his persuasion failed. The driver in a panic ran off to the nearby town and started yelling for help. But he apparently had received a Rickon Degree from the Prometheus School of Running Away From Things, as Gulliman fired a crossbow shot at him and he fell face-first. He was alive but unconscious, and Gralak unceremoniously dragged him back to the carriage.

After some discussion, the group realized they could afford no witnesses, and Nesi murdered the poor driver. They drove the carriage off into the forest and Esir burnt it down with a spell. Esir had come a long way from his naive days, where once he yelled at the group for robbing a dead man’s wagon (who, might I add, was a fine man who only wanted to show them the good in people), he barely batted an eye at Nesi’s cold-blooded killing and their robbery of the driver’s belongings, including two black stallions.

Gralak and Gulliman rode into town, but the elves were racist and wanted them out of their country. They even threatened them with complete government shutdown if they didn’t leave. And so they got a map and went on their way. They needed to find a boat to sail back to Pernimius, and fortunately Nesi knew of a port. That night, they sneaked onto a boat, somehow getting two horses onto it, and sailed off with it without attracting attention.

There was a 75-day’s ride, and there were no siren attacks or lich brainwashing incidents. There were, however, two secret conversations - one between Gralak and Nesi, and the other between Tedcrag and Iorveth. For the purposes of metagaming these will be kept secret, but you’ll probably understand the gist of them later.

They finally pulled up to Orsus. But it seemed different. A lot different. It now looked like a medium-sized stone city. The place had a harbor, along with many tall walls. “Welcome to ~~New Ozai~~ New Loreth” was the first thing they heard. Confused, Gralak showed them the Seal of Senten and they were granted entry. After some investigating and questioning, they learned that Orsus had been taken over by a new king. Gralak learned of some other news, such as the reign of one King Benjamin.

But the most shocking revelation was now that three years had passed. They surmised it must have happened when the lich teleported them to the VI. They hadn’t aged (otherwise Nesi’s child would have been born) but the rest of the world had gone on for three years. This means that Iorveth was not ten, but *thirteen* years out-of-the-loop. Poor guy’s gonna need therapy.

Speaking of, Iorveth stormed off again, and Tedcrag followed. The two had a dramatic conversation, and the old dragon was still feeling very lost and confused. He was adamant about returning to Hydraco. He still didn’t believe Tedcrag was his son, but he wasn’t outright denying the possibility anymore. Relucantly, Tedcrag let him go and bid him farewell, perhaps to meet again in Hydraco sooner than later. Far away, on another planet, in another time, a blonde man smiled to himself and crossed off a name. “That’s one.”

The next step was repairing their armor, and they did so off-screen. They began to head towards Zanko, but before that Nesi and Jack had a heartfelt farewell of their own. Nesi no longer had it in her to go kill liches and disguise as emperors with Gralak and his companions, especially since she had a child on the way. She set off, presumably back to Senten, and Gralak watched her go. The blonde man’s smile widened. “That’s two.”

Arriving at Zanko, everything appeared exactly the same as it had before unlike Orsus. Esir, who had learned telepathy btw, was furious, and he stormed in the palace. The snobby receptionist was still there, and tried to say something, but Esir shut his ass down. He made his way up to the grand library, and the LBG followed. There weren’t too many people up here, which was odd. But there the headmaster was, in the same place as usual.

“You’ve got some explaining to do,” Esir bellowed. The headmaster calmly replied  “Esir, it’s a pleasure having you back here, and you three gentlemen. I did not expect you back so soon.” Which was an odd thing to say after they’d been gone for three years, and Esir called him out on it.

Esir continued to go off at the headmaster, whose serene smile slowly adjusted into a disapproving frown. “Esir, you simply do not understand.” He spoke of how Esir was one of his finest peers, and then turned his head toward the onlooking LBG, and said, “but you three… are expendable.”

As he said that, the entire library burst into flames. Esir wasted no time retaliating and a top 10 magical duel was about to begin. The LBG all heard Esir’s voice in their head say one word: *“Run.”* And they wasted no time in doing so - as they ran, they looked back and saw a magical beam struggle reminiscent of Esir fighting the lich. The LBG could feel the heat as they ran down the stairs and out the door.

And the blonde man’s smile turned into a triumphant laugh. “And that makes three!”

Where to next? All things seemed to point to Hydraco. Find out next time on D&D Season II, now with more violence, more action, and three less NPC party members to slow things down.

## Episode XXXII: We Go to The Store

We start this chapter with the LBG running for their lives from a wizard duel - you know, standard fare for them. They noped the hell out of there and camped out in a nearby forest. They periodically saw beams of light in the sky coming from the academy, no doubt due to the intense battle between Esir and the headmaster. They decided to stay the night there and let the situation cool down before heading back to New Loreth. They internally decided that Esir was a goner - and even if he wasn’t, they had no means of rescuing him or dealing with the headmaster themselves. Maps used to say “there be dragons here” to warn of danger, but they should really say “there be headmasters here.”

On his watch, Gulliman noticed three ~~Nazgul~~ black-cloaked riders, who seemed to be headed for New Loreth. After telling the others of this, they figured that the riders were probably the headmaster’s goons and were best avoided at all costs. At sunrise, they set out for New Loreth. They navigated themselves around Mendel (the city on the way) by going through a nearby forest. Gralak navigated to start with, but he seemed to be doing a shit job of it, as night soon fell. After camping out again, Gulliman navigated the next day, and they got out of the forest effortlessly.

Eventually, they arrived at New Loreth. Waiting in line, the group prepared themselves to have different identities. Gulliman met a fellow dwarf there, who told him about the exploits of one heroic dwarf who got a stone from Basdun and used it to gain power in Mariven. The stone-retrieving dwarf promised the people he could rebuild Mariven, and the people listened. At New Loreth, though, the dwarf asked Gulliman which side he was on, to which Gulliman nervously gave multiple non-answers. However, the dwarf wasn’t having any of it, even waiting inside the city for them to enter. Gulliman eventually managed to squeak out something about keeping his family safe, which seemed to be just *barely* enough to satisfy the dwarf.

The group decided that it was high time to go to Hydraco. Why? ~~Because they had already visited Mariven and Senten and decided it was only fair they go to Hydraco as well~~ Because it was likely that another one of those intelligences could be found in the emperor’s palace. The emperor who, may I remind you, was Prahringerr, Tedcrag’s closest childhood friend. As they got on their boat, Tedcrag had a realization. It had taken him fifty days to reach Pernimius from Hydraco. In fact, the two locations felt like they were on separate parts of the world. Not only that, he had stopped at an Elven place called Anor along the way.

Tedcrag pondered to himself what he had to do - he had no confidence in navigating to Hydraco all by his lonesome, so he decided the best course of action would be to find a navigator. But as he soon found out, just asking people if they could navigate to a country thousands of miles away turned out to be an unsuccessful endeavor. He then started asking people if they’d seen any dragons recently, hoping to see if anyone had spotted Iorveth or whoever he had gone with, or if people had ever heard of Anor, but he had no luck anywhere.

Tedcrag then sought the help of the others. But Gralak was busy; while he claimed to be reading a book, he refused to let anyone near the ship for some unknown reason. Annoyed, Tedcrag then tried getting Gulliman's assistance. But when he found Gulliman on the docks, he found him with a thousand-yard stare while looking at emptiness in front of him. Robute then yelled “Die! Die! Die!”, stomping his foot on the dock at nothing. When Tedcrag tried to snap him out of his trance, Gulliman looked up, reached out, and felt Tedcrag’s dragon scales, and said “we are in Hydraco, right?”

Tedcrag was fucking done with this shit, and left Gulliman to his fit of insanity. There was only one recourse left to him - he needed to find a map. To do that, he would go to… the store! But what kind of store? He tried all the local fisheries and places around the dock, but no dice. Getting desperate, he started walking through the streets asking around at literally every store he came across.

And just as Tedcrag was about to lose his mind and plea to the gods for help, back at the docks Gulliman snapped out of his likely drug-induced trance. He walked up to a man and asked where he could find the nearest nautical store, and he was immediately pointed in the right direction. On the way there, he ran into a very disgruntled Tedcrag, who meekly followed him after learning where he was headed.

At the nautical store, after asking about Anor, the shopkeeper only had one very expensive map, with a map that said “there be dragons here” in the direction where Anor and Hydraco was. The map-maker likely did not know just how accurate that description was, and they paid for the map and went back to the ship… where they would see Gralak’s handiwork. You see, Gralak hadn’t been reading a book, he had been repainting the ship! There was lots of custom flair, and he called the ship the “S.S. Esir”, which seemed in poor taste given Esir had either died, been captured, or otherwise had a rough go of things not a few days earlier.

And so our heroes set out to Hydraco. Along the way, they eventually ran into some rough waters. Said waters flooded the bottom deck, ruining the rations, and breaking the leg of Gulliman’s horse who subsequently had to be put down (and honored by being converted into food by Gulliman). The group had to spend a day fixing the sails and clearing water from the lower decks before continuing forward.

On the 26th day of sailing, they eventually arrived at the Elven colony of Anor. Tedcrag felt a pang, like he should be remembering something important about the elves, but he couldn’t quite place it. There were two massive elven ships, who upon seeing the S.S. Esir surrounded it and took aim at it with ballistas and some odd cylinder-shaped armaments the LBG hadn't seen before. The elves boarded the ship and had a conversation with the only one who could speak Elvish, Gralak, while also pointing a sword at Tedcrag.

The conversation escalated multiple times, ending with Gralak getting on his knees and getting slapped, before the elves left and let them be. As Gralak explained it, not only did they not have the proper paperwork to pass but they also were harboring an enemy of the state (Tedcrag) on board. It was then that Tedcrag remembered (and Beecher learned) that there was an ongoing war between the elves and dragons. That would have been nice to remember beforehand, Tedcrag thought to himself. Thankfully, Gralak’s clutch negotiation (and begging) skills had spared them all from imprisonment and execution.

**\*\*\*And then suddenly....\*\*\***

**突然、巨大なメカが空から飛び出しました。 ジョンは、彼がTENGEN TOPPA GURREN LAGANNに行くつもりで、変化し始めていると言った。 それから突然、ジョージはどこからともなく走ってきた！ そして……**

**The group snapped out of a collective trance. They looked at each other, shrugged, and continued.**

The group thanked their lucky stars and continued onward, making sure to stay out of elven territory along the way. After about 25 more days, they found some islands that Tedcrag immediately recognized as Hydraconian. But where were they on Hydraco? After running into another one of these islands, Tedcrag realized their location and re-routed Waze toward the southern coast of Hydraco.

Soon after, at long last, they had finally arrived in Hydraco. Gralak and Gulliman stood there in awe at the majestic sight of the country, and Tedcrag put on his best John Hammond face and said “Welcome.... to Hydraco!”

But just as he said this, some fly-like creature pricked Gralak’s arm. Tedcrag immediately recognized this as a mosquito, the scum of the venus, and told the others of the species. He strongly advised that they cover up their limbs to avoid catching whatever those bastards carry. Getting off the ship, Gralak and Gulliman immediately noticed all the human, dwarf, and other species being used as slaves.

Noticing their horror, Tedcrag shrugged and said that he *did* warn them before that Hydraco was a slave nation. But Tedcrag told them that as long as they stayed with him, and maybe occasionally *pretended* to be his slaves, they would all be fine. Tedcrag had finally succeeded in his secret mission of attaining two personal slaves of his own, which was a rite of passage in Hydraco, and it only took killing a lich and learning the true secrets of the world to do so. After brainwashing and initiating them, he would soon send them off to the great slave proxy war between Hydraco and the elven nation, until finally…

.....Ahem. Forget that you read any of that. Tedcrag and his *totally non-slave* companions were in Hydraco at last. As Tedcrag put it, they had two immediate orders of business - meet with Tedcrag’s old mentor and foster father Rakavist, and then have a chat with Prahringerr the emperor, but only time would tell how easy or difficult those tasks would be...

## Episode XXXIII: The Pirate Dwarves of Hydraco

At last, the ol’ gang was finally in Hydraco. It had taken them thirty-one sessions, but they had finally arrived at the objectively best nation on Venus. They wasted no time heading to Rakavist’s estate. It was a relatively humble place for an admiral, but still a fancy abode. After knocking on the door, they waited until the door was answered by a Hydraconian maid.

Although this was the first time Tedcrag had seen a female dragon since he had left Hydraco (Iris was a lizard-woman, for those with poor memories), Tedcrag cleared his throat and explained who he was and why he was there, and asked about Rakavist’s whereabouts. They were invited in; they were offered some Arnold Palmer (to which they of course accepted), Gralak asked the age-old question "does ice exist?", and the maid told them that Rakavist was out on a campaign. Since they couldn't talk to Rakavist, their next order of business would be to head to the capital. Before that, though, Gralak and Tedcrag fell asleep at the table.

**Épisode Sept: Petit a Petit, L'oiseau Fait Son Nid**

Jack était dans les profondeurs de l'enfer. Rian était là, enchaînée comme King Kong. Il entendit un rire maniaque derrière lui et Jack réalisa que c'était l'empereur Macron. Jack leva les bras au ciel et cria "GIGA DRILL BREAKU", et une perceuse géante (le secret de la nation du feu) apparut derrière lui. Jack dut cependant éviter sa propre attaque et échoua. Il a été brutalement empalé. Il n'a même pas touché Rian ou Macron. Ils se moquèrent tous les deux de lui alors que Rian portait son gilet jaune.

Beecher s'est envolé pour voir ce qui se passait. Rian lui dit qu'il était en train de faire le remake de Retour vers le futur et qu'une rage primordiale se réveilla au sein de Beecher. Beecher a essayé de lancer l’exercice, a raté le match, a déclaré "pas aujourd’hui", est remonté dans le temps et a encore frappé. Cette fois, il a percuté Rian et l’a éviscéré. Mais il y avait toujours Macron, qui n'arrêtait pas de rire.

**Fin**

They awoke, and Gralak felt an odd pang in his stomach, as if a very large knife had stabbed him. He shrugged it off, and the group left and decided it was time to go to the capital. They couldn’t make it by road, so they needed to get a boat. Learning his lesson from earlier, Tedcrag set off to buy a nautical map. They went to a navy requisitions office to buy said map, and Tedcrag learned that the merchant there was a childhood friend of his. After the transaction, the friend advised Tedcrag to check up on his old house before leaving, reminding Tedcrag that his house was a thing that existed. He heeded the advice and went there.

Upon arriving, he discovered that the house had a new owner. Tedcrag didn’t want to bother them, but the owner came outside anyway. After exchanging some pleasantries, Tedcrag dropped the name “Iorveth”, to which the owner had a negative reaction. The owner also warned him of ~~Nazgul~~ ~~Dementors~~ black-cloaked riders asking about Tedcrag, setting off alarm bells in their heads realizing the headmaster’s goons had likely followed them to Hydraco. With a map and this new knowledge in tow, the LBG headed back to the boat. On the way back, God somehow fell asleep. Gralak and Gulliman could feel their spirits leaving their bodies, as if being sent somewhere else…

**Эпизод первый: темный лорд**

Наконец Натан и Салли прибыли в легендарный храм, который они искали. Они искали Pro Ring. Они вошли в пещеру, и Салли без предупреждения бросил гранату. Пещера начала прогибаться, и дуэт был вынужден бежать дальше. Они перепрыгнули через яму, но оказались в ловушке в пещере. Натан сердито ударил Салли, но пришел к ужасному пониманию Салли был захвачен Темным Лордом! Салли злобно рассмеялся.

**Конец**

Their spirits returned to their bodies, and although Gulliman was twitching and looking homicidal, he eventually calmed down and they made it to the boat. They set sail for the capital, which was a few weeks’ trip. Only one major event happened on that trip - an attack by pirates!

Tedcrag noticed the ship’s Hydraconian flag immediately, and the group prepared to fight the pirates. Tedcrag went up in the crow’s nest and the other two took cover below as the ship came up alongside them. The pirates were all red-skinned dwarves. Gulliman was aghast at the sight of his own people taking up piracy (and also having red skin for some reason), but prepared for combat. Gulliman was not going to let this be like the dwarf from New Loreth who wanted to know what side he’s on - Gulliman would take decisive action here and take no prisoners. The others noticed his admirable resolve to fight his own people and combat began.

Gulliman sent out an explosive crossbow bolt, killing several of his fellow dwarves and splintering the ship in its center. Most of the dwarves had been blown to bits, others bleeding out, and blood decorated the pirates’ sails. “Traitors of Mariven!” Gulliman roared. “You will all feel the wrath of Robute Gulliman!”

But the remaining dwarves were not going out without a fight. After dodging a grenade, Gralak knew he had to take the fight to them; he jumped onto the pirate ship, banging his shin in the process. Three dwarves immediately tried to attack him, but Gralak effortlessly dodged their attacks. Thanks to Gulliman, he had first-hand experience with how dwarves like to fight, so he had no problem reading their movements. “You fucking dwarves won’t imprison me this time!” Gralak yelled. One of the dwarves tripped, to which he said “Have a nice trip! See you next fall!” and all the way from Hydraco’s coastline you could hear several crickets chirping.

Tedcrag, only now remembering he had forgotten to purchase a trinket, realized he was useless with no ranged weapon. He climbed down from the crow’s nest and also jumped onto the ship. Tedcrag had no strong feelings one way or the other towards dwarves. He took out his sword. “Guess we have to do this the old-fashioned way”, and he swung his sword like a baseball bat, decapitating the dwarf. There were only two surviving dwarves left at this point, one on the ship and one who was frantically swimming away.

The dwarf on the boat surrendered, and Gralak negotiated with him. Feeling merciful, Gralak let him live, though he was very tempted by his psychopathic tendencies to kill him anyway. The dwarf promised to renounce his wicked ways and name his son after Gralak, and he rowed a small boat to rescue his other swimming friend.

“Those dwarves learned an important lesson today. Don’t fuck with the LBG,” Gralak said, and Tedcrag nodded. "They should pick on people their own size. No offense, Gulliman." Gulliman sighed and simply added, “Perhaps they’ll head back to Mariven, take their chances there. It makes me wonder, though - were the walls between Mariven and Basdun to protect us from the goblins, or to protect the goblins from wicked dwarves like them?”

Far away now, on the small rowboat, the two survivors huddled together. “I can’t believe we’re alive. Those people were ruthless,” the first one said. The second one, still shivering from his swim, said “And they’re fucking insane. Why... why did they think we all were dwarves?”

And so, the two orcs sailed off together, away from the LBG who probably needed to take some more lessons on the visual differences between races. What happened to the pair of orcs is a story for another time...

Several days later, they arrived at the capital. Arriving at the dock, Tedcrag realized he had forgotten to come up with a cover story and improvised that he was a blacksmith’s apprentice, and he could hear the other two scoffing in the background. With that settled, they headed towards the palace. They arrived there after a few hours, and saw the palace in all its majesty. Behind it was a familiar sight… an obelisk!

## Episode XXXIV: Every Dog Has Its Day

There they were, in the grand courtyard of the imperial palace. They saw the obelisk, looking exactly the same as the one from before. It was then that two shirtless dragons emerged from the palace, and began a duel to the death. Tedcrag explained that this was a well-known Hydraconian custom.

Before figuring out a way into the palace, Tedcrag decided it was time to go back to the city and find a magic shop to get a new trinket. They arrived at the store, and the shopkeeper asked for collateral, to which they gave Gralak’s diamond. Pulling out the trinket from a locked case, it was a gold and black piece of metal shaped like an animal they didn’t recognize, with red and green gemstones throughout. Tedcrag tested it out, using his command spell to get his thrall Gralak to bow, and Gralak did so against his will.

Tedcrag returned the trinket, and then asked for the price, to which the shopkeeper gave them an exorbitant amount: 200,000 duckets. Maybe the LBG could have afforded that in a late-Season 1 meta, but here and now after buying expensive armors, weapons, ships, and a giant spider or two, they all were running out of gold. Tedcrag couldn’t afford 20,000 duckets, much less 200,000.

But Tedcrag had an idea, a most clever idea. Tedcrag asked for Gralak’s trinket, to “compare” it to the one the shopkeeper had. Gralak caught on, giving his trinket to Tedcrag. The shopkeeper gave them a confused look. Trinket in his hand, Tedcrag smirked, and instantly used his command spell to order the shopkeeper. *"Sleep!"*

The shopkeeper closed his eyes… but he did not sleep. Seconds passed, and the LBG watched in horror as the shopkeeper slowly opened his eyes and started laughing in their faces. “You *dare* try to order me to sleep? You think *you* can steal this trinket out from under *me*? Think again!”

With those final words, the roof of the shop exploded. Although the skies were clear, a bolt of lightning burst down upon the shopkeeper, who was surrounded by a magical aura. It was then that our heroes realized that this shopkeeper was no Lv. 1 crook but was in fact a Lv. 100 boss.

“*YOU MORTALS HAVE OFFENDED THE GREAT GOD OF MAGIC*”, the shopkeeper boomed in an otherwordly voice, and started floating from the ground. The shop’s walls were coming apart, spiraling towards the sky. “*AWAKEN, MY PET.*”

In that instant, he summoned a creature from the ground. It was enormous, and ferocious, and growled menacingly at the group. “*I INTENDED TO SAVE MY PET UNTIL SOMEONE TRIED TO ROB THIS STORE IN THE NIGHT, BUT YOU THREE COMPLETE IDIOTS TRIED TO STEAL FROM ME IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. FOR THAT, YOU WILL DIE.*”

And the dog leapt forward, faster than anyone could react. It singled out Gralak first, taking an odd interest in his legs, breaking both of them beyond repair. It then finished him off by crushing his torso with one paw, and then turned to Gulliman, decapitating him with a sideways swipe to the head.

It then merely growled at Tedcrag, bowed to its master the shopkeeper, and returned from whence it came. Tedcrag was on the ground, in utter shock and disbelief. “What... what could have caused you to become so powerful?!” he asked in horror. The shopkeeper let out a small chuckle. “*OH, YOU MEAN, THE CHAOS EMERALDS?*”

Tedcrag was confused, but the shopkeeper continued speaking. “*FOOLISH DRAGON, YOU TRIED TO GET ME TO SLEEP. FOR THAT, THERE IS ONLY ONE PUNISHMENT. I COMMAND YOU TO SLEEP... FOREVER!*”

Tedcrag could feel himself giving in, and knew if he fell asleep here he would never wake up again. Both of his companions were dead and he would soon follow. Gralak's trinket in his hand wasn’t powerful enough to do anything, but right as he was about to give up hope he saw the 200,000-ducket trinket still on the counter.

Kneeling on the ground, with his last bit of energy, Tedcrag thrust himself forward into the counter, and the trinket fell down next to him. Tedcrag grabbed it, flipped off the shopkeeper, and as his eyes were just about to shut forever, he faintly said “not… *today!*”

There was a bright light. Time reversed back a few minutes; Tedcrag and the rest were back in the shop, with no memory of what had just happened. Tedcrag wanted to try to make the shopkeeper sleep, but something internal made him decide against it. He told the shopkeeper the trinket was beyond his price range, and bid him farewell. As this happened, Gralak secretly nabbed the key to the trinket’s case from the shopkeeper without him noticing, and the trio left the store.

After Gralak showed the others the key, they determined they could rob it at nightfall. Until then, they decided to check out the palace once more. Back at the palace, a crowd had appeared, and it wasn’t long before someone came out from the balcony. Tedcrag recognized him as none other than Prahringerr! The emperor gave a dramatic speech about spies and unification. Gralak and Gulliman didn’t really understand much of it, and perhaps because of that they drifted off to sleep. They could feel their souls leaving them once again…

**Эпизод второй: коленная чашечка**

Джон чувствовал, как растет влияние темного лорда. Но прежде чем он успел что-нибудь сделать, Джек выстрелил ему в коленную чашечку. Было ли это преднамеренным или удачей, это освободило Джона от власти темного лорда ... очевидно, оно находилось внутри его коленной чашечки! Дуэт двинулся дальше в пещеры...

**Конец**

The two snapped out of it. Gulliman’s kneecap was hurting like hell, but he kept it to himself. After the speech was over, Prahringerr went back inside the palace. Tedcrag needed to find a way in to talk to him. They heard wealthy people outside demanding entry and being refused, and Tedcrag tried to negotiate his way inside using Gralak’s previous emperor shenanigans as a starting point, but the guards didn’t play ball. Having no backup plan, they decided to wait and come up with one later, and instead wait until nightfall to try and steal that trinket.

Heading back there, there was a strange occurrence. Gralak and Tedcrag started falling into a trance. These trances, dreams, and out-of-body experiences were becoming awfully common lately…

**Épisode Huit: Quand on a pas ce que l'on aime, il faut aimer ce que l'on a**

Macron riait toujours. Macron commença à marcher sur des flammes, puis désigna le ciel. Ils ont entendu un grondement et ont vu la Tour Eiffel tomber sur eux! Beecher évita à peine, mais c'était encore suffisant pour le rendre à moitié mort.

Jack n'a pas été aussi chanceux. Toujours aux prises avec l’impact de l’exercice, il n’a pas pu esquiver et a été empalé une seconde fois par la tour Eiffel. Jack était mort, à double pénétration heh heh. Mais il n'y avait pas le temps de pleurer. Macron continuait de rire et Beecher ne connaissait qu'un moyen de mettre fin à cela.

Il a sorti un drapeau blanc, la plus grande faiblesse de tout Français. Il le jeta sur Macron, qui prit feu. Un million de drapeaux Bourbon ont volé partout et tout le monde en français a célébré la défaite de l'empereur. Beecher avait gagné, mais alors qu'il regardait le corps de Jack empalé deux fois, il demanda simplement "à quel prix? À quel prix?!"

**Fin**

They snapped out of it once again. Gralak could now feel two sharp pangs in his stomach. Confused, he concluded it must be hunger. Fortunately, there was a restaurant right across from the magic shop that they could eat and stake it out at. At the dinner, they ordered some Arnold Palmers. Gralak ate chicken and the other two more sophisticated eaters ate raw fish (which Gulliman kept calling “sue-she” for some reason).

During this dinner/stakeout, the group took the opportunity to share some more of their backstories with each other, something they hadn’t really done much since their initial introductions. Night eventually fell, and the heist was afoot! Gulliman used Detect Magic, and discovered wards on the doors and windows. But then Gralak spotted a chimney, and had an idea.

Gralak Claus used a super jump spell to make it onto the roof in a single leap. He went over to the chimney, looked back at the others, gave them a cocky smile and jumped in without even looking down.................... There were a few seconds of silence.......... Then there was a short series of intensely agonizing screams from Gralak............ And then silence once more.

Tedcrag and Gulliman gave each other a look, as if to say “well, shit.” The two climbed up the side of the building. Remembering the illumination stones from a season ago, Gulliman pulled his out and dropped it down like a torch in a movie. It hit the ground and shattered, giving them zero intel. Tedcrag then remembered the rope he was carrying and pulled it out. He helped rope Gulliman down, finding an unconscious Gralak with severe injuries on one leg. Gulliman grabbed Gralak and carried him (an impressive feat for a dwarf), and Tedcrag roped them both up.

Back on the roof, Gulliman grabbed the key from Gralak’s pocket and was roped down once more. He went over to the cabinet where the case was held and broke it open. A blaring alarm was immediately triggered. Gulliman took the trinket case, unlocked it, nabbed the trinket and bailed out of there as Tedcrag lifted him up.

The alarms had woken Gralak up, but there was no time to talk. The alarms had also caught the attention of several guards who were yelling at the group up on the roof. They quickly made their way back down the wall, climbing down. Well, climbing halfway down and then falling the rest of the way. With Tedcrag supporting Gralak, the trio ran away from the guards.

Eventually, despite the handicap they managed to lose them. With a moment to catch their breath, Gralak explained that when he reached the bottom he was attacked by a magical dog that ravaged his leg. Must have been a security provision put in place by the shopkeeper. The other two naturally believed him. Tedcrag, with his fancy new trinket, tried healing him, which healed the skin and stopped the blood loss... but there was still the issue of a bone sticking out. He needed professional medical attention.

They carried Gralak to a nearby doctor, but it was closed since it was the middle of the night. Needing a place to stay the night, they searched for a nearby inn. And they found one… for Tedcrag. The shopkeeper wouldn’t let the thralls stay the night, and his price for looking the other way was too steep. The other two reluctantly slept in a nearby stable, while Tedcrag enjoyed the luxuries of the inn.

About six hours later, Tedcrag woke up in his bed, went down to the stable and found the other two. They headed back to the doctor’s office to find one Dr. Mere. Gralak was understandly testy, and although the doctor was insulted by the rudeness of a lesser species, he took a look, and determined that as far as he knew, the injury was beyond fixing. He wanted to cut off the leg, to which Gralak strongly objected.

The LBG decided to leave and find some other way to help Gralak, but the doctor demanded 400 duckets as a consultation fee for a mere fifteen minutes of examination. While Tedcrag knew a cheapskate move when he saw one, he didn’t want to attract any attention from the city's guards and payed the fee. “Take this gold and go fuck yourself,” he said, and the three left with a #triggered doctor yelling behind them.

The trio headed off into the unknown, trinket in tow but very low on money, having just committed a crime (hopefully the guards didn't get a good look at them), Gralak severely crippled, and still with zero plan on getting into the palace and speaking to Prahringerr. I’d say this is a classic situation of “we’re bad”, but I think we’ve ascended beyond that by this point. Who knows where the LBG’s wacky misadventures will take them next...

## Episode XXXV: D R A G O N S E X

We last left our heroes… uh… shit, where were we? Oh, right. Gralak was facing potential amputation of the leg and the LBG were looking for a doctor who would care for a lowly thrall. Eventually, they found another doctor, a Dr. Zaghat. But after waiting for a while, they learned that these doctors also did not serve “his kind.” But if no one ever accepted Thralls, how did WarCraft III ever get made? Checkmate, Arthasists.

The LBG next decided to try their luck in the slums. Because maybe the people from the lower classes are, you know, slightly *less* racist and xenophobic. In the poorer district, they came across a pair of beggars. Tedcrag offered them a hefty sum, in exchange for some information on a doctor somewhere who would treat Gralak. The shady-looking guy told them about a witch doctor in the slums. The LBG decided that that was their best bet.

And so they went to the slums. Tedcrag got robbed for a little bit, but then they found the witch doctor’s apothecary. Contrary what they had been led to believe, the witch doctor was a young, attractive dragon woman.

Gralak told the witch doctor he was in love with you, and then the witch doctor, she told him what to do, she told him ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang, walla walla bing bang. Ooo ee, ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang. But after the spontaneous musical breakdown, he informed her of his broken leg. She agreed to fix it for a reasonable sum, as well as demanding Tedcrag “for later.”

Gralak was treated as the witch doctor put some strange material on his leg, and it started to heal. It was quite painful, but he pulled through. Limping but cured, Gralak walked out and the trio departed for an inn, one that actually allowed thralls to sleep there. Tedcrag then set off at nightfall back to the witch doctor’s place, leaving most of his valuables behind.

What happened next is too sensitive for this family-friendly Christian wiki, but if you want a general idea then let’s just say there was a really good Athletics roll and leave it at that.

[IMAGE REDACTED, GRAPHIC D R A G O N S E X]

The next morning, Tedcrag departed the witch doctor’s place - neither even knowing each others’ names - and set off back to the inn. Along the way, he felt awful famished and stopped to eat some rice at a local place. While he was eating and minding his own business, a stranger approached him and said that someone else wanted to talk to him.

Though suspicious, Tedcrag played along. He was sat at a table with several others, and at the opposite end was their leader. Think a 1930’s mob boss kind of vibe. The boss made Tedcrag an offer he couldn’t refuse…... because it was a really good offer. 50,000 duckets for simply delivering a package to the emperor’s palace. This couldn’t possibly have any sinister or far-reaching side effect. The real kicker was that this also made their goal of getting into the palace far easier.

Tedcrag headed back to the inn and explained everything to the others. After a day, he went back out to accept, and was met by one of the boss’ men right outside the inn, meaning he had been followed. While troubled by this, he let it slide when he discovered that they were going to make the goal even easier - giving him a palace pass as well as two passes for the “thralls.” Looks like *somebody* was giving out free thrall passes.

Tedcrag accepted the job. He was then given the package, which was large and heavy, and he was explicitly told not to open it - they would know if he did. Yep, nothing illegal going on here. But before they could start their mission, Gralak and Tedcrag passed out.

**Épisode Huit Virgule Cinq: Qui court deux lievres a la fois, n’en prend aucun**

Beecher se tenait là parmi les corps. Rian était mort et Macron, mais Jack aussi. C'était une désolation complète. Il n'avait aucune idée de ce qu'il fallait faire ensuite. Mais ensuite, John est revenu et a mis fin à cet épisode français avant même qu'il ne commence.

**Fin**

Tedcrag woke up from his sleep. Oddly, Gralak had not yet waken up. Even more oddly, as soon as he awoke, Gulliman fell asleep. Guess the Hydraconian heat was really getting to them.

**Эпизод третий: никто не ожидает испанского телевидения**

После новых приключений Джек и Салли наконец нашли Про Кольцо. Казалось, все хорошо, но до того, как их миссия была выполнена, был один человек из их банды, который мог расшифровать Про Кольцо - легендарный Чунгата.

Услышав его имя, Чунгата вышел из тени. Он был загадочным человеком, у которого на спине была только одежда, а на плече маленький телевизор, похожий на бумбокс. Из телевизора донесся звук испанских новостей и мыльных опер. Как отреагируют Джек и Салли? Узнай в следующий раз.

**Конец**

After everyone had awoken, the mission was afoot. The LBG made it to the palace with the package in tow. Tedcrag went undercover as Mr. Ridley, and the other two also made up identities but no one cared as they were considered lesser species. They were pointed in the direction of the man to deliver it to, but there were guards in the way. It appeared the emperor was in the nearby hall!

Tedcrag, recognizing this opportunity, shouted out Prahringerr’s name. The guards yelled at him, but after a few moments, Prahringerr demanded they step aside. The two childhood friends, one an emperor and the other a lich-slayer and aspiring spider-tamer, had an emotional reunion. A hug was had. They spent some time talking and reminiscing, which eventually led to Tedcrag explaining their story, leading all the way up to their encounter with the VI in the elven palace.

Upon hearing that last part, Prahringerr cut him off right there, and the LBG each felt a cold sensation in the air. Prahringerr knew - and some of what Tedcrag had been telling him was critical Hydraconian intelligence. Prahringerr explained that word could not get out, and the only reason he didn’t kill Tedcrag for it was their long-lasting friendship. However, Gralak and Gulliman were another story - they were to be swiftly executed.

Tedcrag had to think fast to save ~~his thralls~~ his friends. He first made up a (partial) lie that Gralak and Gulliman only learned specific things from the VI like missing girlfriends and business practices, leaving out their discoveries about the truth of the world. He then truthfully told Prahringerr that he trusted Gralak and Gulliman with his life, and that they would not reveal anything. In their conversation, he learned Prahringerr hated humans, for being the ones who put the world in its state.

But eventually, Prahringerr conceded. The three would all stay in the palace under his guard… indefinitely. They were taken to a rather luxurious and comfortable room, but they knew it was really a glorified jail cell. Before getting there, they managed to make sure the mob boss’ package got delivered.

They decided they would try to convince Prahringerr to let them go, perhaps by offering to help Prahringerr in his endeavors. But they didn’t want to break out recklessly, otherwise this would be the **third** royal palace they’ve trespassed and committed crimes in… unless we count the smuggling of the package, in which case this *already* is the third time.

But no matter what they would decide on, who knows how long it would take Prahringerr to come down and talk to him? The emperor was a busy man. For all they knew, it would take weeks, or even a month, before the next time ~~the LBG could play D&D~~ the emperor came back...

## Episode XXXVI: The Secret of the Dragon Nation

And so the LBG spent a month (both in-universe and out-of-universe) waiting around in the palace’s glorified jail cell. They received no outside contact apart from the occasional maid. Gralak found a ball that he played around with… for a month, I guess. Investigating his own leg, he discovered a disturbing sight - where his leg had been healed, he had started growing scales!

As Gralak came to terms with potentially turning into a dragon, Gulliman and Tedcrag started forming a plan, in which they attempt to negotiate with Prahringerr and get him to let them go. After the month passed, the emperor requested an audience with the trio. The LBG got some fancy clothes (a.k.a. togas) and were escorted into a small room with a dinner table.

Prahringerr was there waiting for them, and the three dined with the emperor. After some minor pleasantries, Gulliman decided to attempt sharing his plan: “So, uh, emperor, now that we know all your empire’s secrets....”

There was silence. A cold, foreboding feeling filled the air. Prahringerr, doing his best to remain calm, simply said: “And what secrets are you referring to, exactly?”

“Uh…” Gulliman stumbled. He got flustered and kept hesitating. Tedcrag attempted to cover for him, but Prahringerr only grew angier. “I’m asking you, dwarf, *what secrets*?”

Gulliman couldn’t answer; he simply shrugged. He let out a weak “I need to use the restroom” and attempted to leave, but without missing a beat, Prahringerr stood up and jammed a knife into Gulliman’s hand.

“Listen, you,” he said, twisting the knife as Gulliman howled in pain. “I have been more than tolerant of you and the *human*,” he spat while saying the word. “And this was despite you being being lesser species, simply because of your relationship with Ted. But you have the *nerve* to attempt to tell me *to my face* about knowing the empire’s secrets? You will pay for this with your lives.”

With his other arm, Prahringerr made a quick signal, and a dozen guards entered the room. During this commotion, Tedcrag and Gralak had been too stunned to react. At this point, Gralak attempted to reach for one of the dinner knives, but a guard saw him and sliced off his leg (the good one - not the one with scales).

“Damn you, magic dog!” Gralak roared, writhing on the ground. Prahringerr turned to his head guard. “Take Ted away, he need not see this.” And the head guard hauled Tedcrag out of the room. Two more guards, these ones dressed in black, pulled out extremely sharp axes. Gulliman’s and Gralak’s heads were forced onto the table.

“Hydraco sends its regards,” the emperor said with a condescending glare, making a signal. The axes came down. Death was instantaneous for Gralak, but Gulliman had the shortest of moments post-decapitation where he could still think. As Gulliman’s brain rapidly shut down, only two words came to his mind.

*Not…. today…*

Gulliman’s eyes closed, accepting death and whatever lied beyond in dwarf heaven. But nothing happened. When he opened his eyes, he was back at the dinner table. No guards, no blood and screaming, just the four of them eating dinner.

“Gulliman, was it?” Prahringerr asked calmly. “You said you had some sort of proposal?”

“Um, yes,” Gulliman cleared his throat. “We have been thinking, while we have been here, what use we could be to your empire.” And so he and Tedcrag explained all the advantages of them being a small, secret black ops team of Prahringerr’s, including not being directly associated with Hydraco and the insight of knowing some truths about the world.

Prahringerr said he would consider it. Gralak wasn’t convinced, but he had spent the entire dinner staring at the food and rubbing his new scaled leg not contributing anything to the discussion, so his opinion wasn’t worth much here. As they were served Arnold Palmers and dessert, there was more light conversation, and Prahringerr shared his dramatic backstory of how he rose the ranks of the military and became sworn in as emperor, including winning a duel to stop the inevitable succession war.

After dinner, they were returned to their jail room. The next day, Tedcrag was called up individually. He was taken to near the top of the obelisk, being able to see the city and mountains through the glass. It was a very nice room, and Prahringerr was sitting there near the fireplace. The two had a heart-to-heart. Prahringerr did not like the idea of Tedcrag putting himself in danger for the empire, and would much prefer him staying in safety as an advisor.

Tedcrag, in turn, told him some more advantages, and admitted that he’d go crazy locked up in a palace; he needed to go out and adventure, and see the world. Prahringerr still wasn’t convinced. How could he *know* that Tedcrag would survive? And Tedcrag told him: “You won’t. That’s all it is, Prah. A leap of faith.”

Prahringerr was eventually convinced. He then gave Tedcrag an infodump along with his first mission. In a nutshell, the governments of the world had colluded to keep technology in its current state, never advancing. However, the elves had broken the trust, actively using far better tech than the rest of the world.

“*Sieg heil*,” a faint voice said in Tedcrag’s head, but he shrugged it off, and continued listening.

Near the colony of Portmereton, west across the sea, there was a large island. Somewhere in its dense jungles was a cannon. The LBG’s mission, should they choose to accept it, was to get to the island and recover the cannon and/or its blueprints and return. But he warned that the elves were also after this, and gave Tedcrag his permission to kill them should they become a threat.

Prahringerr also said how only the dragons could be trusted with this technology, but Tedcrag didn’t think too much of it in the moment. He learned about Rakavist and his Fliovi Federation conquest to unify the archipelago, and was finally sent back to the room.

Tedcrag told them the short version when he returned; a quartermaster arrived and gave them loot. They received some upgraded armor and weapons, passes of diplomatic immunity in Hydraco (which have *not* just been revoked), rations, health potions, and most importantly a fuckton of gold. Tedcrag in particular went from having three digits’ worth of gold to six digits. They also received a sloop with four crew members who would stay on the boat, follow their orders, and mind their own business.

Tedcrag and Prahringerr had a farewell, and they were finally set free. Once they were clear, Tedcrag explained the full story to the others, and they decided that (at least for now) they would do as Prahringerr asked and retrieve this cannon. They got their supplies from their old boat, transferred them to the sloop, met with their four new crew members and immediately set out west for Portmereton.

And so ended another session with the LBG. For negotiating with an emperor, it could have gone a lot worse. Gulliman still felt the phantom pain down below from their last royal palace excursion to this day. But they had navigated the politics successfully, and their journey would continue on… and hopefully this time in less than a month.

## Episode XXXVII: Fun Facts

Aboard their new sloop given by Prahringerr, the LBG met their new crew. They were four Hydraconians. First was Unos, the first-mate, a middle-aged green dragon. He and Tedcrag discussed their strategy and where they were going. Tedcrag shared non-specific details about the mission, but made it clear that several aspects were confidential.

The crew was gathered and the other members were introduced. Before they could give their names, Gralak put on his best Leeron impression and also asked that they include a “fun fact” alongside their name. Before they could do so, Tedcrag had to make clear that this ship did not treat lesser species the way they do on the continent, and that Gralak and Gulliman were co-captains alongside Tedcrag.

And so, they reluctantly gave their names and fun facts. There was a young bronze dragon named Jordy, the skipper, he was the best fighter in his village and won many tournaments. There was a red dragon with a goatee in his 30s, named Ommit, a servant, and he enjoyed the sea. Finally there was Arvim, a short and thin golden dragon with a high-pitched voice, who always wanted to travel the world.

After that was done with, Unos took the captains on a tour of the ship, the HMS Prerogative, which had a nude, humanoid mermaid figurehead. And that would have been the end of it, had Gralak not had another bold idea. He installed a mandatory Friday poker night rule. He wanted it to be an opportunity for the crew to get together and enjoy themselves, but 1) Hydraconians had never played poker before and 2) gambling is illegal on Hydraconian vessels. Nevertheless, they played with no financial stakes and eventually got the hang of it. Later, Ommit got sick of poker, and Gralak made it non-mandatory. Gulliman won the first game, and Arvim won the last. What fun.

Later on in their voyage, one of the crew spotted what appeared to be a big-ass sea monster. Everyone prepared for battle, but nothing happened. Perhaps they had simply avoided it, or someone got either a really good or a really bad roll. Or perhaps it was foreshadowing for a future event. Who’s to say? Eventually, they arrived at Portmereton as diplomats after having their ship inspected by officials.

Portmereton had an enormous jungle. As they learned, the commander went mad during secret expeditions inside jungle. As was their mission, Tedcrag and the rest decided to venture into the jungle. Two new redshirts joined the crew for this mission, and the crew of the HMS Prerogative stayed on the ship.

In the jungle, they came upon an abandoned site. Here they found lots of ash and footprints that were smaller than dragons. Could it be the elves? But before they could ponder this, arrows whizzed out from the trees. Gralak was immediately struck by the first arrow, and yelled out in pain. Tedcrag tried to intimidate the foes with fire, but as is tradition, his fire breath failed… twice.

Gulliman felt particularly jovial as combat began, crying out “Let’s get ‘em, boys!” before taking cover. Gralak fired an explosive crossbow bolt into the forest. At this point, everyone was in cover besides Tedcrag, who had foolishly just been standing there trying to blow fire. For his sins, Tedcrag was pelted with not one, not two, but *five* arrows. There were several others that missed, but five still connected.

The ranged battle raged on. “Get some!” Gulliman yelled. The enemy, who appeared to be natives, ran out from the trees and began melee battle. Gulliman and Gralak put the beating on these enemies and looked like they had the upper hand, while Tedcrag meanwhile cowered behind cover drinking some health potions.

Eventually though, a few of the enemies found Tedcrag, and he was forced to do melee combat. True to form, he attempted his fire breath once more, and it failed… twice… again. As the battle raged, there seemed to be no end in sight to these enemies. One of the redshirts was killed by them, and enraged by this, Tedcrag said “fuck this shit” and pulled out his sword, finally getting some solid blows in.

Seeing everything that had just happened, Gralak thought, and… well, you could never really tell what was going in Gralak’s mind. It’s highly possible that inside his head is just circus music playing on loop at all hours of the day. Case in point, Gralak stepped forward to dramatically slash at his opponent, but he tripped and then he dropped

## Episode XXXVIII: The Blacks

his sword. The two natives he was fighting laughed at him, then attacked the unarmed Gralak, severely wounding him and pushing him into the dirt. Tedcrag managed to parry the blows of one of his opponents, but the other speared him in the side. Gulliman meanwhile was having the battle of his life, fending off enemy after enemy alongside the other surviving redshirt.

This redshirt, by the way, was feeling particularly distraught after the death of his friend. Gulliman attempted to rouse him with a speech, but only had two seconds to do so, so to the redshirt it sounded like Gulliman was speaking absurdly quickly. To be fair, it was at least better than the time he tried to give a rousing speech by writing on parchment in the dark, back in the caves of Basdun.

Tedcrag missed his fifth fire in a row, at which point he got fed up with life, said “Not today”, reversed time a few seconds, and finally succeeded in shooting flames. It was a stellar display of dragon prowess, managing to hit both of his opponents as well as one of Gralak’s. Unfortunately, it didn’t do that much damage. Gulliman followed this up by slicing one in the jugular, killing him and smiling as he did it. At the sight of his friend getting killed, one of the natives lit a green signal flare, which could only mean bad things for our heroes.

Gralak was on the ground. Instead of trying to get up, he shot a crossbow bolt and missed. What a turn. Tedcrag and Gralak were feeling very wounded at this point; Tedcrag was alternating between sword attacks and healing himself with magic. One of Gralak’s enemies grabbed his sword, so on Gralak’s next turn of attack, he picked up a dropped spear instead. But it was all for naught, and Gralak was attacked once more, and fell unconscious and dying at their feet.

The enemies lit two more flares and shot them. This seemed redundant after that first one, but if you have the resources you might as well use them.

Seeing Gralak’s defeat, Tedcrag’s two opponents had renewed resolve. The two put their spears in the sand and barked orders at him, and though he could not understand them, Tedcrag could see they were trying to make him surrender. Tedcrag took a brief moment to contemplate. He saw Gralak laying there as two men started to take his body away. He could see in the corner of his eye the dead redshirt on the ground, blood still dripping and soaking the ground. He could not see, but he could clearly hear on the other side of the tents Gulliman fighting for his life, and he had seen all three of those flares, knowing it likely meant more were coming.

And so, Tedcrag surrendered. But with forceful body language, he aggressively pointed at Gralak in an attempt to get them to keep him alive. They complied, healing Gralak and keeping him from bleeding out. As he surrendered, Redshirt 2 came around the corner, and he followed Tedcrag’s lead. Their hands were tied and they were taken away.

And what happened to Gulliman, you asked? Well, after single-handedly killing all three of his opponents like a fucking boss, he managed to see his three companions being taken away. He had two choices, attempt to 1v4 them before their companions arrive and free his friends, or run away and get help. Wisely, he snuck away and ran back towards the camp.

[secret John secrets, written by John (lol) or far more likely by Beecher when he learns what happened]

Gulliman had made the right choice running away, because mere moments after he left, fifteen more natives came out from the trees, having seen the three flares. They had probably seen the first one and started coming immediately, but two more flares to *really* send the point home couldn’t have hurt.

The prisoners were sent away, and were taken to a clearing. There, they found other Hydraconian prisoners chained to a tree. They found one of Tazgar’s men there; he had been imprisoned for a while. So long, in fact, that he had learned a bit of their language. He was clearly a grumpy sort, and this was only aggravated by the fact that he was tied up next to Gralak of all people, who when he feels like it can invoke in people all sorts of annoyance and irritation. He didn’t even give his name when prompted.

“Then what is your name?” Tazgar’s man grumbled.

“I must be Frank," Gralak simply replied.

Tedcrag soon remembered that he still had his trinket on him - they hadn’t taken it from him earlier. The prisoners decided that at night, Tedcrag would try to very sneakily shoot fire onto the ropes binding him and free the others, allowing them to escape. Before that could happen, however, the shaman came in, as was a daily ritual. However, she reacted differently to Gralak. She wanted to talk to Gralak, and begrudgingly used Tazgar’s man as a translator.

She rambled on about us being out in the sun, making us vulnerable to some sort of threat. The big ball sun, not little bright stars, as she had to clarify thanks to Gralak. She declared that there was a prophecy, and that Gralak was the prophet: he was the Lightbringer to save them from darkness. That’s right, ~~Gralak was Sir Uther himself~~ ~~Gralak was Azor Ahai’s sword~~ Gralak was the Lightbringer, the chosen one destined to save them from… *the blacks*.

Even though he couldn’t hear a thing from back in the prison, Tedcrag spontaneously burst out into uncontrollable laughter.

Gralak agreed to fulfill this prophecy in exchange for their freedom. He negotiated that Tazgar’s man and Tedcrag would come with him on this quest. So in reality, they were kind of already free, that is if they wanted to completely forsake and abandon Redshirt 2 and run back to camp. However, Tedcrag had made a promise to the young man, who had a family back home, that he would make it out of this alive.

As such, Tedcrag was determined to make sure poor Redshirt 2, whose name he had learned and just as quickly forgotten, would make it home to see his family again. But of course, there was also the possibility that Gulliman would recruit an army, stage a full-frontal assault, and massacre the natives. You know, whichever comes first, I guess.

## Episode XXXIX: Are We the Baddies?

[more secret John secrets, something something rallying the troops]

Having been given their task by the shaman, Gralak, Tedcrag, and Yogath (the commander) set out towards the blacks. They were guided there by one of the tribe’s scouts. After 10 hours of walking, Yogath and the scout had an argument in a foreign language, followed by the scout leaving the three of them on their own.

At night, they finally came across the temple. After some planning, they decided that the best time to strike would be at night, under cover of darkness. The trio slowly made their way up the temple’s exterior steps. At the top, they found an interesting sight. There was a fancy pedestal, and atop it a small ring. The one ring, to rule them all. In place of a jewel, the ring was shaped like that of a spider. Tedcrag wondered if it would let him control his giant spider bro back from season 1.

Before Tedcrag and Yogath could even react, Gralak waltzed over to the pedestal and picked up the ring. Instantly,

there was an enormous explosion from the pedestal, engulfing Gralak entirely and knocking all three of them back down the steps. Yogath managed to get by with only scrapes and bruises, but Gralak and Tedcrag got severely wounded. Tedcrag’s face was bleeding, and he would eventually learn that his face would be permanently scarred.

Gralak wasn’t looking too hot, either, taking the brunt of the blast. After taking a few moments to catch their breath, the trio heard a roar from inside the temple, and they hastily retreated. Once they felt they were a safe distance away, both Tedcrag and Yogath gave Gralak an earful, yelling at him and asking why he would do something so stupid. Gralak, in his usual lackadaisical manner, responded nonchalantly and carefreely. He had discovered that the ring imbued him with telekinetic powers, granting him control over small objects. He demonstrated this by moving a stick with telekinesis onto Tedcrag’s shoulder.

“Oh great, we can move sticks now!” an annoyed Yogath yelled out facetiously. “But what do we do now?” And as if to answer, they heard roaring again and could see two ~~overrated cash grabs~~ black panthers running straight towards them. Tedcrag and Yogath hid in cover, but perhaps as an act of karma, Gralak’s foot got caught in the mud, and he tripped and landed face-first on the ground and dropped his sword. Seeing this, the two ~~minority-pandering PC shillfests~~ black panthers lunged at him.

Somehow, in an impressive act of athleticism, Gralak managed to grab his sword, get up, and then one-shot the first panther, and then Tedcrag, not to be outdone, one-shotted the other one with his sword. As quickly as they had appeared, both of the ~~Phantom Menace rip-offs~~ black panthers were dead.

Yogath was visibly impressed, but there was no time to celebrate. The three were in no shape to fight, so they decided they would head back to the camp and ask for time to rest. They traveled back and met with the scout, who basically said “no bro lol” and told them they didn’t have time to travel there and back. With no other option, the three slept in the wilderness, not even setting up a shelter.

At morning, feeling only barely better, the three made their way back to the temple. Yogath surmised that these people were possibly nocturnal, given their fear of the sun. As a result, daytime might be the best time to strike. And so they did. They made their way back up the steps, noticing the pedestal had been replaced, although with nothing atop it. They found an opening at the top and slowly made their way inside.

They could immediately smell something putrid below, and discovered a large pile of carcasses. Paying it no never mind, they went down another level, and it is here they came across a large pile of sleeping black circles curled up on the floor. They deduced these must be their targets. Whispering to each other their plans, they decided their best plan of attack was for Tedcrag to use his fire breath.

And so he did. Tedcrag walked up and put himself in a position where he could get them all in one burst. Right before releasing his fire, the one closest to him woke up, and ran the other way. But for the rest, it was too late. They were all burned alive, screaming in pain and agony. Tedcrag and Gralak immediately had a moment where they realized that they were indeed the baddies. The two started putting the ones still alive out of their misery, and Yogath joined them, but he seemed to take some pleasure in it.

Then, Gralak heard something in the direction of where that last one ran off. He walked over towards it as Tedcrag and Yogath continued, and saw a terrible sight. Women and infant children, and the one man who had ran away earlier, were all huddled in a corner of the room, hiding and cowering from the mass-murdering dragon who had just slaughtered all of their men. He wordlessly beckoned the other two over and they saw it as well.

Seconds passed, although it felt like hours. Tedcrag puked in complete disgust and shock. After an amount of time had passed, Gralak had a look of solemn determination in his eyes, silently pulling out his crossbow and loading it with an explosive bolt. Tedcrag saw this and immediately ran over to him and put his hand on the crossbow.

Tedcrag asked Gralak what the fuck Gralak thought he was doing. Gralak explained he had to finish the job. Tedcrag argued that the deed was already done; they’d killed the men, and these people were no longer a threat. And that might have been that, but Gralak explained that the shaman had placed a curse on him that would take effect if he didn’t complete his mission. He was adamant that the shaman would find out somehow if they left them alive.

“If you do this, you are crossing a line you can’t uncross,” Tedcrag said. “You’re the one supposedly cursed, so it’s your decision. But I won’t have any part in it,” and he walked out, an uncaring Yogath following. Gralak was left there alone, crossbow in hand. Gralak took a few minutes to think. He braced himself, he gripped his crossbow, and he crossed the line.

After waiting for a long time outside, Tedcrag and Yogath were greeted by a shell-shocked Gralak emerging from the temple, and the three silently headed back. They met the scout on their way back, and then further on, they found a wild Gulliman hiding in the bushes. Gulliman came out after realizing who it was, and explained a summary of what he had been up to. He had recruited a party to rescue them, which had ended up slaughtering the tribe, leaving few survivors, and freeing the prisoners.

Tedcrag worriedly looked over to Gralak, who was still shell-shocked, and wondered if the shaman who had cursed him was still among the dead. If she was, the curse might have been lifted (or worse, it would be unable to be removed) and their actions might have been for nothing.

Gulliman finished recounting his tale, but was confused by the thousand-yard stares of Tedcrag and Gralak, the latter of whom was on his knees. And that’s all for today, folks. Stay tuned for 1-5 weeks to find out what happens next.

## Episode XL: All that Glitters is Gold

Seconds passed, though it felt like literal weeks. Gralak still lay there on his knees, traumatized. After taking a few minutes to get their bearings, the group returned to camp and talked to the new commander there, while Yogath took the guide to join the rest of the prisoners. The commander praised Gulliman for his great tactics that allowed them to defeat the natives. He also learned that Yogath, the original commander, was here as well.

After the pleasantries, the group requested to see the shaman prisoner who had allegedly cursed Gralak. She was swiftly brought back, but then the idiots realized they couldn’t understand her language without Yogath. Tedcrag went to go get him, but Yogath nonchalantly told him that the pyromancers would be able to remove any curse.

Tedcrag promptly returned to Gralak and told him as much. Without skipping a beat, Gralak unsheathed his sword and stabbed the shaman with it. She died instantly, falling to the ground in a heap. Gralak wasn’t done yet; he had won the battle, and the metaphorical bells that signified her death were not enough to quench his bloodlust, so ~~he started to murder innocents because that’s just what you do in that situation~~ he started kicking her dead corpse, ending with a primal scream of rage.

The pyromancers arrived, confused by the sight. They investigated Gralak’s body for any signs of a curse. They said that if there was any curse on him, it died with her. The thought that he potentially did what he did last episode for nothing - this was too much for Gralak. He made a move towards the corpse again, and one of the pyromancers, who felt bad for the corpse, asked him to stop and show some mercy for the dead.

“wE cAn’T hIdE bEhInD sMaLl mErCiEs,” Gralak said, decapitating her corpse with his sword. Gulliman joined in, pulling out his crossbow and shooting her already decapitated head with it. Not to feel left out, Tedcrag just spit on her. Suddenly, the dead shaman’s pet panther came from the bush. Seeing its master’s dead body, it howled, then mauled a nearby chair to make some sort of philosophical statement, then grabbed her head in its mouth and ran off to who-knows-where.

Both of the commanders witnessed this, and shrugged. They invited Tedcrag to discuss the emperor’s plans. Tedcrag gave what information he could, and learned that they were already aware of the cannon’s existence. For everything they’d done to help, the LBG were allowed to stay for as long as they liked, and so they did, getting some much-needed rest and recovery.

Not long after, Tedcrag and Gulliman were shooting the shit around a fire. Gralak was still traumatized af, and Gulliman was dying to know why. Tedcrag told him, leaving out no details. After venting about what happened, they saw some of the naturally evil dragons nearby were doing unspeakable acts to the prisoners. Spurred by Gulliman, Tedcrag’s inner paladin instincts kicked in and the two stood up and stopped them… mostly by threatening them with their commanders finding out. Gulliman gave the victims food as a show of good faith.

On the fifth day, Zenith summoned them. Zenith was the old redshirt prisoner who Tedcrag had promised he’d make sure would get out and see his family again, and was freed in Gulliman's assault. He was in much better shape now, and took them to the commanders. They learned that the guide that they had imprisoned had some intel, and could guide them to their destination. The LBG and the guide, with Zenith to guard him, set out. They traveled for days, into an increasingly thick jungle.

Eventually, out of the jungle, five silverback gorillas came charging out and attacked. After losing their last combat encounter, the LBG was looking for redemption and were out for blood. Gralak, still seething with rage, chopped one’s arm clean off, and the gorilla next to it ran away. With only one arm, the gorilla still managed to lift Gralak and slam him into the ground. Tedcrag leapt to his defense, cutting off the gorilla’s *other* arm, then decapitating it. To this, *another* gorilla said “fuck that” and got the fuck out.

The next gorilla probably got the worst of it. Gulliman plunged his axe into its gut, and its entrails started spilling out. Howling in pain, it had no time to react as Gralak jumped in, his sword glowing purple like a lightsaber. “This party’s over,” he said. He cut both its arms off… then both its legs… then plunged his sword into its chest… then decapitated it… then kicked its corpse, which was just a torso at this point, to the ground.

At the sight of this, the last gorilla ran for its fucking life. The LBG was victorious, and Zenith was visibly spooked but impressed. Over the course of their trek, Zenith had been given the affectionate nickname “Z-Dog”.

Days later, their next major event of note occurred. They heard some stomping nearby, coming from two opposite directions. The stomping started coming, and it didn’t stop coming. The LBG jumped into the trees. Tedcrag and Zenith unfortunately slipped and fell to the ground, but before they could hit the ground running, two massive ogres emerged from the forest.

The pair of ogres paid no mind to the LBG, being so much larger than them, but they did notice each other. “Could you spare some change for gas?” the first one asked the other. “I need to get myself away from this place.”

“Yep!” the other one nodded in approval. “What a concept! I could use a little fuel myself, and we could *all* use a little change.”

As the two ogres exchanged pleasantries and prepared for an amicable transaction, the LBG did not understand ogre talk, so they assumed their booming words were a threat. Gulliman and Gralak each jumped out of the trees and attacked the ogres, who howled out in pain.

The two ogres fought back. As they did, they kept conversing with each other, as given the size difference they didn’t really register the group as a threat. “The ice we skate is getting pretty thin,” the first one said, referring to the ever-increasing tensions between the ogre people and their neighbors, to the extent where people just jump out of trees and attack them. He tried to punch Zenith, who performed the miracle dodge of his life by essentially limbo-ing under the attack.

“The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim,” the other said in agreeance, referring to how since the unfortunate political climate of Portmereton’s ogre-human relations was getting more and more heated, they had no choice but to fight back and defend themselves. The ogre tried to shake the tree Gulliman was in to get him out of it, but Gulliman held on for dear life.

Gralak, in a stunning athletic feat, jumped up and on top of the ogre’s back. He plunged his sword into the ogre’s nape. The ogre barely managed to say “My world’s on fire, how ‘bout yours?”, given that his entire body was feeling intense pain as he was seconds from death. He collapsed to the ground, dead. “You’re next,” Gralak said, pointing to the other ogre in a dank season 1 callback.

Traumatized at his new friend’s death, the other ogre was enraged. He bitch-smacked Zenith into the bushes. Tedcrag was appalled at what he did to Z-Dog, saying “*You’ll die for that*”... in his head. As Tedcrag started running toward him, the ogre somehow knew his end was near. Answering the other ogre’s question, he concurred that his world was indeed on fire. “But that’s the way I like it, and I never get bored”; all in all, despite everything, he enjoyed the feel of fighting with his life on the line.

But he had no more time to enjoy it. Tedcrag aimed for the head, and his sword stuck true. “I told you - you die for that.” Thus, combat was over. They had slain the undoubtedly evil ogres. Gralak placed his signature Jack of Diamonds card in the head of the one he killed, and Gulliman took the other’s tooth as a souvenir.

Zenith emerged from the bushes, damaged and confused but still alive. He saw the LBG standing there all cool-like, the bodies of two ogres at their feet. In just a few days, he’d seen them defeat gorillas and ogres without breaking a sweat. In his eyes, they were all-stars.

But there was still so much to do, and so much to see, so the LBG pressed onward.

## Episode XLI: Goo Ikes

One day after killing the ogres, the LBG came across a mountain. At the base of this mountain was some sort of compound. Could this be were the cannon was? The guide seemed to think so, gesturing to be freed for getting them there. Ignoring the Geneva Conventions, the LBG forced their prisoner to be bait, making him walk inside the compound first. They followed suit when nothing happened.

Gulliman was enthralled with some boxes, and spent literal minutes trying to open them in whatever way he could before eventually giving up. They made the prisoner step in further, but then something happened. Black goo rose from the ground seemingly out of nowhere, and from it emerged a terrifying creature with five heads.

Despite none of them being in the goo, Gralak yelled “*GET OUT OF THE GOO!*” as they prepared for combat. Taking the bait, the hydra beast ran straight for the guide, smacking him with incredible force into the wall of the compound. Gralak charged straight at the hydra with his sword. Probably not the smartest move, but we’ll see if it pays off.

Gulliman climbed onto a catwalk and shot a crossbow bolt at it. Tedcrag, sick of his reputation of fiery impotence, performed a successful fire breath attack on his first try, but sadly it didn’t really hurt the beast, merely startling it. The hydra looked down at the puny human at its feet and one of its heads lunged down and bit him. It was then that Gralak made it personal.

Gralak’s sword glowed purple once again. “This beast is too dangerous to be kept alive,” is all he said, swinging his sword like a baseball bat and cutting off one of his heads. Not done yet, he cut both of its legs and gutted its stomach. The hydra fell to the ground, its four remaining heads thrashing about furiously. Inspired by Gralak’s feat, Gulliman jumped down and systematically sliced off all four of its remaining heads with his axe.

“I’m going to need to go to the doctor after this, after carrying you three on my back,” Gralak said. Zenith was once again amazed at the LBG’s combat prowess. The guide tried to take this opportunity to run away, but Gralak tackled him to the ground. Accepting his fate, the guide was re-bound, and the group headed inside the compound proper.

Inside, they found some automaton machines, similar to the ones that they had encountered in the twin cities’ palace library. They were fortunately deactivated, but of course this wasn’t for long. Once they were far enough inside, six of the machines activated and surrounded the group. With their sword arms they started slicing and dicing, gravely wounding both the guide and Zenith.

“*Z-Dog!*” Tedcrag roared dramatically, immediately running forward and healing him to keep his wound from getting worse. Tedcrag jumped up on the box, heeding old lessons he’d once heard about always going for the high ground. Gralak in turn, remembered old lessons that *he’d* heard, and tried a good trick of spinning his sword, killing one of the robots.

As the robot exploded, an enormous torch nearby was lit and started a chain reaction, engulfing the room in a powerful light. A large crowd of onlookers appeared, and thus began the annual Hydraconian Olympics’ famous “High Jump & Robot Kill” event. Gulliman started things off with an impressive somersault jump, bringing his axe downward through a robot and killing it by splitting it in half vertically. Three robots stopped fighting to give their scores: a 7, 6, and 8 for a total of 21.

Gralak was up next, and did an identical somersault jump and cutting through a robot vertically. However, because of his superior height, the jump was higher and the robot slice was even cleaner, earning him slightly higher scores. The judges deemed it 8, 8, and 9, for a total of 25.

Three robots remained. Next up was Tedcrag, who was attacked by one of the robots. He let a robot swing at him, then used his high ground advantage to jump on top of the sword. Taking advantage of its confusion, he brought his sword down diagonally into its shoulder twice in a row, cutting it cleanly. As its circuits died, the robot gave him a 9, but the other judges were less impressed, giving him 6 and 4 for a total of 19.

Because his move was literally copied-and-pasted, Gulliman was allowed one additional chance, and he made the most of it. He repeated his downward slice, but before the robot could even explode, he used his weight and momentum to spin around in place, slicing through it sideways as well, and the robot was now split into four equal pieces.

Due to a shortage of judges, the last remaining robot called in Zenith and the guide to act as judges, forcing them to do so at sword-point. Gulliman’s impressive feat was given 8, 10, and 9, for a total of 27.

There was one more robot, so it was deemed that the person with the lowest current score would be given one more chance to prove their worth. Tedcrag wanted the gold, so he thought back to his childhood watching the Hydraconian Olympics as a wee dragon. About 10 years ago, in this same event, he had seen a famous Hydraconian athlete named Ike Smasher perform a legendary move to earn him a perfect 30. Tedcrag had spent many of his formative years trying to replicate this move, but he had never had the physical fortitude. Until now.

With a roar, yelling something that could be interpreted as “*AETHER*”, “*EITHER*”, or “*PIZZA*”, Tedcrag threw his sword in the air, in such a way that it spun above him. Tedcrag jumped in the air, grabbing it at the handle and then using all of that preserved gravity and force to crash downwards upon the robot, who fiercely clapped and gave him a 10 as he exploded into thousands of pieces. In amazement, Zenith and the guide both gave him a 10 as well, giving him a perfect score of 30 and the Olympic gold medal. It was just for a moment, but as Tedcrag rose up from the ground triumphantly, he thought he could see Ike Smasher in the stands, giving him a subtle nod and then disappearing behind the rest of the crowd, making Tedcrag wonder if he was ever truly there.

…

Well, uh, anyway, after defeating the robots, the LBG took a breath. Zenith thanked Tedcrag for saving his life, but seemed bewildered. He wondered if there was some strange gas in the robots’ electrical systems, because whenever one of the LBG killed one and it exploded, each of them would appear to start hallucinating. During this process, the guide had also run off, but the LBG didn’t bother looking for him.

The group pressed on. They came across a large room with several cylindrical tunnels, along with more boxes. There were also things that looked like stakes jutting out from the ground. Gulliman investigated one, but as soon as he touched it, the room went into lockdown and red lights and an alarm started blaring. An intercom repeatedly yelled something about UN Arctic Command.

Finally, and most importantly, a figure rose from the corner of the room. It was quite a familiar figure - large, towering, and skeletal. Missing a cloak and an army of minions, but nevertheless - it was another lich, in the flesh. Or… bone? Metal? Regardless, Tedcrag and Gralak leapt into action without wasting a breath. Tedcrag pulled out his thunderbolt hammer and charged toward the beast, whereas Gralak took out his final lightning rod and channeled it at the lich.

Gralak kinda forgot about the lich's energy shield, but the lich's shield didn't forget about him. The shield absorbed the attack in its entirety. And sadly, this time they had no brooding mage apprentice to help them bypass it. Tedcrag, Gralak, the lich, and the DM braced themselves for a long and truly epic battle; twas to be the ending confrontation of this questline and the ultimate culmination of all the battles they’d had since they’d left the camp…

… but Gulliman had other plans. He yelled a command at the lich, ordering it to stop and obey. The lich laughed. How could a twenty-something dwarfy boi with no balls hope to stand up to the everlasting will and tenacity of a machine that’s lasted through countless generations? There was no chance in Basdun he could even *dream* of -------------- the lich obeyed without question.

“What is your command?” it asked, complying. Gulliman smirked, and started barking commands at it, with no knowledge of how fucking lucky he had just been. He asked for information first of all, and the group learned that they were at the site of the Portmereton Space Cannon.

Several other commands were ignored however, given the lich was saying stuff about him not having admin privileges. They learned another VI was in this facility, but also that it was damaged and non-functional. Searching elsewhere through the facility, Gulliman found a badass battle rifle, and Gralak found a replacement lightning rod, as well as the blueprints of the cannon! Prahringerr's mission was complete!

Zenith, meanwhile, witnessed all this and had no idea how to react. In the course of a weak, this trio of dragon, human, and dwarf who had failed to defeat some random tribal natives had near-effortlessly defeated five gorillas, two giant ogres, a five-headed hydra, six deadly automatons, and somehow tamed a giant fucking skeleton monster. This was too much for his dragon brain to handle, and he mentally checked out and just meekly followed along with them.

Having accomplished their mission, the group asked the lich a few more questions. They learned of a strange vehicle that could carry them through both air and land, and Gulliman learned how to pilot it. They all hopped on and flew at incredible speeds back towards the camp. The device ran out of power not far from camp, and still reeling from everything that happened, the LBG headed back to the camp with their heads held high, and a shell-shocked Zenith stumbling behind them.

## Episode XLII: Elven Ships Need Better Security

Back at the camp, they could see that the pyromancers had been busy burning shit. Gralak took Gulliman and Tedcrag aside, to a confused look from Zenith. Gralak explained it would probably be best to keep their findings of the cannon’s blueprints secret. The others agreed, though since the captains already knew about the cannon they could still explain the actual cannon they found, just leave out the blueprint part.

To their surprise, they found no one at the first camp. Figuring maybe they had all relocated to the main camp, they headed back further. Along the way, they came across a gruesome sight - Yogath (the old commander), dead and tied up to a tree. They could see some figures in the distance darting through the trees.

The four decided it would be best to sneak through the forest a little ways from the main road. Eventually, they came across a settlement and could hear the sounds of Hydraconians, and saw that it was primarily non-combatant civilians. Tedcrag and Zenith decided to leave their armor and head out, attempting to blend in.

Tedcrag and Zenith each took a different side of the camp and walked through to see what they heard. Tedcrag couldn’t make out much, just something about a big fight that was concerning people. Zenith, on the other hand, found out a lot more. It was a makeshift camp created after a large force of elves attacked and sieged Portmereton. Realizing these were allies, the two rushed back and informed the other two, getting their armor back on in the process.

Zenith, knowing one of the guards there, had the guard lead them to the commander. This was the new (and now only) commander, Tazgar. He had scars on his face and bags under eyes. He asked the LBG of their feats, and Tedcrag shared most of the details, only leaving out some of the fancy technological stuff and of course the cannon blueprints they had found.

Tazgar then gave the LBG the news on his end, that the elves attacked and sunk all the ships. However, the dragons were fortunate in that most of their main force was not at the place where they attacked, so it was likely that they were being underestimated. The elves would probably be vulnerable to a surprise attack.

Tazgar, having experienced firsthand Gulliman’s expertise as a tactician, asked him for a strategy. The main problem was that the elves had the numbers. Tazgar and the LBG brainstormed a few strategies. They could evacuate the fortress that had many of their numbers hostage, they could try burning the boats down, and kidnapping the elven commander. They eventually settled on a combination: Tazgar and his men would sneak in and rescue the captives at the fortress, while the LBG, Zenith, and three other soldiers would form a strike force to kidnap the commander.

The other three soldiers lacked confidence, so Z-Dog (Zenith) gave a rousing speech to them, explaining the feats of the LBG to them. You have to realize that in his eyes, Tedcrag, Gralak, and Gulliman must appear to be the most unstoppable warriors and the stuff of legends. To recap, Z-Dog had seen them slay gorillas, ogres, a hydra, and strange clockwork soldiers. Not to mention that they tamed a giant skeletal monster without even fighting it. In his eyes, if you want battle-hardened veterans, there was no better choice than the LBG.

The plan was set in motion. Gralak made a speech that was very clearly derivative of the famous play series *Revengers: Endmatch* and the seven of them were off. In the dark of night, they sailed off in three boats right up to the back of the main ship, below a window leading to the captain’s cabin.

Gulliman, in a rather impressive show of athleticism, took four knives and used them to climb, sticking them in as climbing tools with his arms, and alternating to stand on the previously-used knives. This process repeated until he was in the captain’s cabin, and he then lowered the rope. Gralak climbed up next, falling once but eventually making it. Tedcrag was third, falling twice but also making it in the end.

As the other four followed, the three could hear breathing from the bed behind the curtain. Gulliman could hear the sounds of *two* people breathing. Quietly, they sneaked up and Gralak opened the curtain. There was the elven commander, fast asleep. In bed with him was a tied-up but fully awake Hydraconian woman. It appears that the elven commander had a dragon fetish (and really, who could blame him?).

Gralak made a motion to Tedcrag to pin the commander down by pointing to his own muscles then making a gagging motion. Tedcrag was very confused by Gralak spontaneously flexing, but eventually connected the dots. He pinned an arm down with one hand and covered his mouth with the other, and pressed down. The elf struggled, but with a little help from the others, he eventually lost consciousness. They all began tying him up.

Gralak meanwhile looted the cabin, finding a chest with a singular rod inside. Gulliman also found boots. Given that the Hydraconian girl seemed to be a captive, and wasn’t screaming to give them away, Gulliman freed her. “Gulliman?” she asked inquisitively, but then shut herself up as if she’d given out information she shouldn’t have. Gulliman was...

## Episode XLIII: An Artist at Work

… confused at this. She looked oddly familiar, but how? But there was no time to ponder. They had to get back to the boat. Gralak jumped straight into the water, but thankfully the sound was masked by one of Gulliman’s spells. They then had to figure out how to lower the unconscious captain into the boat. Gulliman had an idea, but the very dumb Tedcrag could not wrap his head around it. Gulliman tried multiple times to explain it, but eventually Tedcrag just decided to blindly trust Gulliman knew what he was talking about.

Ok but really though, if I may. If you really think about it, a counterweight wouldn’t mean shit considering how long the rope was. To this day I still don’t exactly understand how it worked. Gravity should have been more of a factor; unless everyone inside was holding the rope at multiple parts to slowly lower it down, he would just freefall until they ran out of rope, but what Gulliman, Zenith, and the others were doing in this situation was never clearly established. Even with them holding it, gravity can be a hell of a bitch. How heavy is the commander? How strong is the rope? Did Zenith and the others skip arm day? Was Tedcrag’s weight enough to resist both the commander’s weight and gravity? So many questions, and the plan as I recall was just “Tedcrag is counterweight, that’s science bitch deal with it.” But c’est la vie, and life goes on.

Through means that may or may not have been scientifically sound, they successfully lowered the unconscious commander into the water. Tedcrag followed next, but fell and kerplunked into the water, as did Zenith right after him. This definitely caught the attention of the elven guards, who started to raise a commotion. Everyone else jumped out and scrambled to get into the boats and get away. After a bit of chaos, they all managed to escape; that is, all seven members of the strike force, the freed Hydraconian girl, and the unconscious enemy commander. They took the elf back to the commander, who explained that the evacuation was successful on his end. Next step was to interrogate him when he wakes up and hopefully use him as leverage against their foes.

Gulliman was very intrigued with the Hydraconian girl, and he and Tedcrag began lightly questioning her. It eventually came out that this girl was actually Arvim from the boat! She had been disguised as a boy due to Hydraconian customs. She was very nervous about her secret getting out, but given Tedcrag and Gulliman didn’t care about ancient Hydraconian traditions, they pledged to keep her secret safe. She thanked them, then gave them the sorry news that Unos and the rest of the crew had died fighting the elves. She also didn’t want to talk about what happened between her and the elven commander, which was understandable.

Arvim went off to get some rest, and then it was interrogation time. Gralak, as if something had awoken within him, had a crazed look on his face the likes of which gave Tedcrag and Gulliman chilling memories of his past actions. Gralak dumped a bucket of water on the elf’s head, who woke up and saw Gulliman staring in his eyes, then got slapped by him. Gulliman spoke to him in hilarious broken Elvish, but couldn’t get anything out of him.

“Do you know who I am?” the elf commander spat, looking up at Gralak who was grinning like a madman. It was like watching a demon who had been locked up for centuries slowly breaking free of its restraints.

“No, and I frankly don’t give a fuck,” Gralak replied matter-of-factly.

Tedcrag and Gulliman looked on in horror as Gralak’s twisted face grew more and more inhuman. Gralak pulled pliers out of nowhere and ripped off the nail from the elf’s thumb. The elf screamed in pain, then fiercely replied “The other elves abandoned me the second I got kidnapped. They won’t give a damn what you do to me. Torturing me will do nothing!”

Tedcrag and Gulliman couldn’t even recognize him anymore. Gralak laughed, and admitted: "No..."

> “***... but it will make me feel good**.*”
>
>

He spit on the elf’s eye as he said it. Tedcrag and Gulliman started to slowly back away, but Gralak was not done. In this moment, he was an artist, and he needed to complete his perfect masterpiece. He commanded people bring him tubes and various other equipment. He moved things around so the elf commander was upside down, and removed his pants. He connected one end of the tube to the mouth and the other to the anus.

He had created what some might consider art, a shit machine, *but Gralak was not done*. He talked to the **commander**, requested that a medic see him **urgently**, then asked a very confused and bewildered medic for a **triple dose of laxatives**. Unwisely, the medic obeyed, giving him the laxatives. Gralak, with the reluctant help of fellow LBG members, force-fed the laxatives into the elf’s mouth, and decided to let nature run its course from there.

Gralak eventually snapped out of it. Tedcrag wondered if Gralak had two personalities in conflict with one another: the calm, responsible, heroic Gralak and the psychotic, sadistic, demented artist Gralak. Tedcrag then had an even more horrifying thought, that the latter personality was the dominant one, and it was only letting the other one be in control when he deemed it convenient. Tedcrag felt a chill run down his spine as the three exited the tent, leaving the poor elf to his literally shitty fate.

The trio talked to the commander, and made battle strategies for the coming battle. It’s been a while so I don’t remember the specific plans, but the last bullet note verbatim says “Tedcrag and Gulliman left to get the thunderdome” - whatever the fuck that means. Next time on Hydraconian Ball Z, the great battle will unfold! Will the LBG and Hydraconians succeed, or will the elves? Or, will they all kill each other and Dark Gralak be the only one left standing atop a pile of corpses? Tune in next time to find out.

## Episode XLIV: Divine Intervention

The group went over their plan. Wait… what plan? No one could seem to remember, as if in the seconds between this and the last episode they had all temporarily entered a fugue state and made one or more risky bets. Oh right, it was to burn the ships. They would use their lightning rods and rifles (a.k.a. guns) against the ships, and so the balance shifts. They would rendezvous with Rochambeau and consolidate their gifts.

Before leaving, Gralak and Tazgar (the commander) paid a visit to the prisoner. Gralak called it an “ancient Senten torture technique”, and surprisingly the commander approved of it. This made Gralak immensely happy that his piece of art was being appreciated.

Using some binoculars they just happened to have lying around, they took a look at the flagship they had infiltrated two episodes ago. Something seemed fishy - the rope they had used to climb was still there, and they couldn’t see any movement. Could it possibly be a trap? Gulliman devised an alternative solution for boarding the ships - the portholes. The LBG, as a small team of three, boarded a small boat and used that to enter a ship via porthole.

Inside, they found one room of sleeping elves. This triggered something in Gralak, causing him to collapse to his knees and become unresponsive. Confused, Tedcrag and Gulliman shrugged it off and went on with the plan, Tedcrag following master tactician Gulliman’s orders. The two used knives to slit the throats of the elven enemy, repeating the process until there were two left. Tedcrag then yelled “WAKE UP” and the two elves woke up dazed and confused, but quickly got wind of their predicament.

Gulliman commanded that the two elves teach them how to use the cannons. However, the elves had another idea. They played along, then somehow lit off a huge flare in an attempt to blind them and charge at them. However, this barely even fazed our two battle-hardened heroes, who shrugged it off and intercepted their charges. Gulliman stabbed one, killing him, and Tedcrag tried to punch the other in the face but missed. The surviving elf then tried to tackle Tedcrag, but it was about the equivalent of a child tackling a professional Hydraconian olympian. Tedcrag rammed his elbow down on him, knocking him out.

With the elf unconscious, Gulliman tied him up, while Tedcrag went to check on Gralak. He put a knife to Gralak’s throat to get a rise out of him, but nothing happened. Tedcrag then forcefully slapped him, and this seemed to return Gralak to the land of the living. He had no memory of what had happened since he passed out.

When Tedcrag inquired, he initially didn’t want to talk about it, but eventually admitted that the last time he had attacked people in their sleep it was a very traumatic experience for him. Tedcrag immediately understood; though he hadn’t witnessed Gralak's final act of violence and bloodshed, he too had participated in that heinous slaughter - the slaughter which, given what happened to the natives by the time they returned, was likely all for nothing.

It seemed the clinically insane Gralak had some humanity in him after all. I mean, Nesi had to have seen *something* in him. “We’ve all got choices to make,” Tedcrag said somberly. Gralak said “I’ve still got red in my ledger” in response. Find out more about the red in Gralak’s ledger in the 2020 prequel campaign *Jack Widow of Diamonds*.

The unconscious elf started waking up, so it was interrogation time. Fortunately Gralak wasn’t in the mood nor did he have the resources for a second piece of art. Gulliman instead repeated his previous command, teaching how the cannons work, but he refused to answer. Seeing that he wouldn’t give anything up, Tedcrag executed him with his sword.

With no one to help, the three decided to figure out how to get the cannons to work on their own. They spent an extraordinarily long amount of time investigating, but couldn’t gleam anything. At their wit’s end, they seriously contemplated boarding another ship and repeating the process. Fed up with the idiocy, the higher powers that be intervened.

Gralak suddenly had an epiphany. He was visited by the God of the North - **a literal god** - who reminded him of their original plan: to use the lightning rods to burn the ships. That’s it. Again, **a literal god** **came down from the heavens** *just to explain that to him*. Gralak reacted as any person would and freaked the fuck out. From his perspective, his religion was real, and their mission was divine. He became a pious man.

Gralak’s god had the right idea. They began taking the plan into action immediately, and Gulliman devised the quickest way to deal with every ship. Gralak and Gulliman would climb to the crow’s nest, shooting four ships with their lightning rod and rifle, respectively. Meanwhile, Tedcrag would take their small boat to the last two ships and burn them with his fire breath.

And they did just that. Tedcrag lit two boats on fire with his breath, but compared to what came after it was almost a trivial act. Gralak shot lightning at one ship, but missed, burning the trees behind it. The fire spread, and the forest slowly burned down, ravaging the entire population, dooming the populace to a fiery grave, and failing in their mission. That is, until Gralak used some of that sweet inspiration juice to go back in time. His second first shot hit the ship dead-on, and it burst into flame. “Surrender or I’ll do it again!” he yelled, but no elf was around to hear it, so did he really say it?

Gralak fired another bolt at the second ship, and the same happened - the ship blew up in flames. Then, Gulliman shot the farthest ship with his rifle. And holy shit. This shit made Gralak’s lightning rod look like a nerf gun in comparison. The ship he targeted literally exploded, and this spread to the connecting ships (the ones Tedcrag had lit on fire), and the chain reaction connected all the way back to the ship they were standing on!

In a scene straight out of a Fast and Furious movie, Gralak and Gulliman jumped off of the crow’s nest into the water as the ship exploded behind them, landing near Tedcrag’s small boat. Tedcrag picked them up, and they admired their handiwork as all seven ships were either blown up, on fire, or both. To put it into perspective, three people (who were so braindead that they had to be reminded what their plan was by a god) took out a fleet of seven ships single-handedly.

Returning ashore, they were greeted by amazed looks from the Hydraconian warriors, including Tazgar, who went so far as to bow to them and offer them any reward they chose. Tedcrag mentioned his armor needed some repairing, and the three went off to have a well-earned rest. They sat around a fire, drinking and being merry, as fire and brimstone rained down above them. Where seven elven warships used to be, seven enormous pillars of smoke rose up from the water all the way to the sky.

By the end of this quest, this group of Hydraconian soldiers is going to look at the LBG as absolute legends among men. But no doubt, soon would come a time where they would get a reality check and face a tough opponent - after all, their luck with the dice surely won’t last forever...

## Episode XLV: Diving Dwarf

Here we are again on the Beecher wiki. Another day, another three write-ups behind. Well, it could be worse; I could be eight picture-ups behind.

Our heroes were fresh of a victory, winning an underdog bout of three bois vs. seven ships’ worth of elves. They took a well-deserved rest, and woke up to a brand new day. The LBG reconvened and decided to head to the Portmereton fort to meet with the commander, who would no doubt reward them well.

Along the way, they found many elves imprisoned, including their former leader, who had been freed from the… artist’s creation… and was being put up on display to the other elves as an example. Gralak saw a little bit of brown was still on his face and said “Ah, true art.”

After the show was over, they met with the commander himself. He was eager to reward them for their efforts, and they asked for passage off of the island. The problem was that the elves had burned down all of their ships… and well, the only seven remaining ships on the island were those of the elves they had destroyed last night. Might have thought to spare one, but that rifle of Gulliman’s was a bit stronger than they had anticipated - something they would learn again the hard way next episode.

As an alternative, Tazgar offered to construct a ship for them, and even offered his own room as a lodging for the time they'd spend waiting. Their business was concluded… until Gulliman ran after the commander who was already walking away, and asked for something strange: some divers. Yes, this mad dwarf lad wanted to dive down and find their sunken ship in hopes of salvaging some of their previous belongings. The commander agreed, though he was rather taken aback by the whole thing.

The ship went under construction immediately. As the days passed, Gralak spent much of his time brooding and staring off into the sunset. Tedcrag repaired his armor, and spent much of the week trying to find their previous crewmate Arvim, but to no avail. And Gulliman went on his solo diving expedition, finding absolutely nothing because A) the water was too deep and murky and B) their ship seemed to have been swept away by the tides going in and out. Gulliman couldn’t explain that, and went back to the room in defeat. He had a sickness a few days later because of all the murky-ass water.

Weeks passed, and the ship was completed, and the three bid their farewells to the commander and set sail. Of course, who else would accompany them but the absolute legend Zenith, who would deliver a letter from Tazgar to the emperor. “Welcome aboard, Z-Dog!” they all said, making the dragon rather uncomfortable.

During their long voyage back to Hydraco, Gralak (to the groans of everyone else) tried to reinstitute Poker Fridays, and he and Gulliman eventually peer pressured Zenith to betray his code and gamble. Over time, Zenith became more comfortable around the LBG. After a month or so, Gralak sat down and had a talk with just Tedcrag and Gulliman. He noted how Nesi had probably given birth by now, and he wanted to make a detour and see his wife and child. The others agreed that after reporting back to Prahringerr, they would return to Pernimius to have a little “beach episode” back on the continent. But fate would have other plans in store…

At long last, they arrived back in Hydraco. And what happened next? ~~Stay tuned~~ Scroll down a few lines to find out!

## Episode XLVI: We Didn't Start the Fire

Warning: Long chapter incoming. Buckle the fuck up.

The four adventurers landed in Hydraco’s capital and started to make their way towards the palace. It all was very uneventful, and they returned to Prahringerr with no incident… is what I’d like to say. But instead, along the way, they found an old friend… Esir!

Esir had grey hair now, and seemed a bit off… but this was understandable, since he’d been in a death-defying fight with the headmaster the last time they’d seen him, probably just barely surviving it. When asked about it, he dodged the question and said to wait until they were alone in his hideout - he had something to discuss with them. The three idiots blindly followed him, while Zenith meanwhile headed towards the palace on his own.

So what did Esir have to talk to them about? Gralak suspected something was fishy, but did not speak up. By the time he wanted to, they were already in the hideout and it was too late. It turns out that this Esir was not Esir after all, it was another mage in disguise! Damn that goblin-fetishizing headmaster bastard! Not-Esir and three other mages ambushed our heroes inside this small room in a battle to the death! Oh, how avoidable.

But here they were, and so combat began. The mages used their magic spells to try to immobilize them, but only Tedcrag succumbed to it. The mages then attacked the stunned Tedcrag as the others prepared to fight, blasting him repeatedly with lightning bolts. Tedcrag tried to free himself multiple times, and eventually succeeded, but only after sustaining large amounts of damage.

In one badass move, Gulliman threw his bag to the ground, pulling out his OP rifle from it. And man oh man, this baby was about to put in some work. He fired at the nearest mages, and a big red fucking laser blasted straight through two of them, killing them instantly. It didn’t stop there, though - the laser persisted through the walls, into the next building, and possibly beyond, creating a large explosion and starting a fire.

Gralak pointed to the other two, who were looking on in horror. “You better stop right now or that’s going to happen to you two assfucks!”

(They did not stop.)

Perhaps to avenge his fallen friends, or just pissed at being called an assfuck, one of the surviving wizards blasted Gralak with a snap of his fingers, halving the universe’s population once again, which was now one-quarter of its original size (see Episode 29 for the deep cut lore). Gralak fell to the ground, and started to have horrifying hallucinations about monsters attacking him. The other mage then set him on fire for good measure, making the hallucinations even worse.

Tedcrag swung his sword, but it was deflected by a magic shield. As Gralak lay there burning and hallucinating, Tedcrag was in no shape to help him, and was knocked unconscious himself by a wind attack. Both of them were out for the count, and Gulliman was the last one standing. If he fell in battle, all three of them would be killed. It was do or die for the dwarf.

Gulliman looked at his fallen comrades, then his rifle. Gulliman had seen what devastation this rifle had rained on the ships two episodes ago, and he also must have figured this thing had a limited supply of ammo, but right now, he didn’t care. He was essentially using nukes on a couple ground soldiers -- it was overkill, and it caused massive collateral damage, but it was damn effective. It was time to go full *Man of Steel* on this city.

Gulliman aimed his rifle again; unfortunately, the two mages weren’t lined up like the others, but fuck it. He fired another big red fucking laser at one of them, which hit the mage right in the head, causing it to explode and killing him instantly. Again, massive collateral damage.

Tedcrag and Gralak were meanwhile fighting off the sweet embrace of death, but miraculously both were hanging in there pretty strongly, all things considered. Perhaps they knew Gulliman was fighting there heroically for their sake… or perhaps they just both rolled nat 20s.

“WHY WON’T YOU JUST DIE?” both Gulliman and the last mage yelled at each other. There they stood. Gulliman, whose two unconscious companions were relying on him to survive. And the last mage, who no doubt wanted to avenge his own three companions who had just been one-shotted by the dwarf. Twas an epic 1v1 for the history books.

Gulliman tried to intimidate the mage with a clown laugh, but this only enraged him further. The final mage punched Gulliman in the chest, and it was a magical punch that tried to make Gulliman fall asleep. With just grit and resolve, Gulliman managed to barely remain conscious. Gulliman gripped his rifle, pointed it so that the barrel was right in the mage’s face, and said “Eat shit, fucker.”

Somehow, someway, at point blank range… he missed. The big red fucking laser whizzed right by the mage's head. It was as if the mage had been given a gift by his god, and now it was surely his turn to strike. The mage prepared to deal the killing blow on Gulliman, and he would then eliminate the other two who were bleeding out on the floor and fully avenge his fellow mages. Finally, he'd return their bodies to the headmaster for an exorbitant reward.

He raised his arm to strike down once again at Gulliman, who was frantically re-prepping his rifle. But… the mage's arm wouldn’t move. Why not? This was his chance to end it. But the mage couldn't move a single muscle. It was then that he came to a chilling realization, and it was the last thought that ran through his head before he died:

*Gulliman still had one more action on his turn.*

Point blank, Gulliman fired the rifle *again* straight at him, and this time, his aim was true. The big… red… fucking… laser shot straight through the last mage's chest, eviscerating him and ravaging the city behind him for a fourth time. There was nothing left of the mage by the time it was over.

As fire raged around him, Gulliman frantically doused the flames that had been scorching Gralak for like a minute, and then frantically healed both of his friends. Eventually, the two returned to consciousness, but they were grievously wounded. Gralak especially was still suffering from some serious burns he would need to get looked at. He handed the two of them a potion which they split, restoring both of them to half-health.

The trio ran outside, knowing they had to book it before people identified them as mass arsonists or something. As they exited the building, they surveyed the damage. Huge fires were spreading around the immediate area; after all, he had fired the damn thing *four times*. He had probably killed many an innocent dragon.

Although it was like pouring a glass of water onto a forest fire, Gulliman used his fog spell to douse some of the flame at the source, but the fire was still too much; the three booked it, and eventually arrived at the palace. The LBG had some clout there now; Tedcrag directly reported to Prahringerr after all. As a result, the three were attended to quite quickly. Gulliman, mostly uninjured, was brought straight to the LBG's room. Gralak was immediately brought to some pyromancers who healed his burns - he felt the worst pain of his life in the process, but the burns were being healed. His hair and eyebrows, sadly, were not salvageable.

Finally, Tedcrag, still a bit injured but able to walk and talk, was brought straight to the emperor. Prahringerr asked him what the fuck was going on. First, Tedcrag told him about the mages from Pernimius who had followed them to Hydraco, and explained that the mages likely had no relation to the elves. Second, he reported on the Portmereton mission, explaining a few more details, though Tazgar’s letter had given the emperor the gist of it.

Tedcrag couldn’t remember who among them was actually carrying the blueprints. In fact, no one could, so it’s almost like who owned it came down to chance. It ended up being Gulliman - fortunately it wasn’t Gralak, or the blueprints might have burned up. Gulliman handed over the blueprints which were then brought back to the emperor.

The emperor was still distraught - he still needed info on the cannons like those on the elves' ships. Full-scale war with the elves was upon them, and Hydraco still lacked the technology to face them head-on. In an attempt to ease his worries, Tedcrag did explain that they did find a few other things in Portmereton, such as Gralak’s lightning rod, and Gulliman’s battle rifle. He explained how that thing had such absurd power, like when it destroyed the elven ships, or burned down much of the capital…

...

Tedcrag couldn’t stop himself in time. He had just admitted that they were responsible for burning down part of Prahringerr's capital city… the poor district, but part of his city nonetheless. Prahringerr took quite a few seconds to process this, and at first didn’t quite know how to react.

“*What* did you just say...?"

“I, uh…” Tedcrag stammered. “It destroyed the elven ships!”

“...After that?”

“It, uh… it… burned your city down.”

Like goddamn anime ninjas, a bunch of guards who had been invisible uncloaked themselves, all of them pointing their weapons at Tedcrag’s throat. Tedcrag, the weight of his words catching up with him, gulped, and he watched as his childhood friend closed his eyes, sighed, and reached into his desk, pulling out an enormous and extravagant sword.

“Tedcrag, I thought better of you,” Prahringerr said. He almost sounded like a different person as he said it. “Let me get this straight. I don’t see you in… what, ten? Fifteen years? Then you come back into my life, this random vagabond who’s traveling with a walking circus which consists of lesser species like dwarves and *humans*,” he spat as he said that last word. “And I *still* gave you the benefit of the doubt. I trusted every word you said… your finding one of the intelligences, your search for your father, everything. I trusted you enough to send you on a secret mission. And what do you do with that trust?”

Tedcrag couldn’t say a thing with five swords pressed against his throat. But Prahringerr answered for him.

“You betray it. You couldn't even bring me blueprints for the right kind of cannon. This one seems powerful, sure, but I kind of need something more portable. Oh, but it’s still okay. It's my friend Tedcrag, he’s still got my back, right? I’ll just send him on another mission to take down the elves and prove himself. Oh, but what’s this? My city’s on fire. What a horrible thing, but surely my dear friend Tedcrag couldn’t have behind behind it... then, for no reason I can comprehend, he admits it right to my face! Does he arrogantly think just because of our friendship I’ll forgive him for it? No, I can’t do that. No one attacks my city and gets away with it, not even my oldest friend. Then there’s only one thing I must do - kill him, here and now. Then I’ll have nothing to stop me from offing the damn human and dwarf, too. I would have made you a noble and offered you to be one of my top generals, you blasted fool. I suppose I’ll send some other team on my Pyramid PlanTM, and I guess that’s that. After that, global conquest awaits.”

Prahringerr had been pacing back and forth throughout this whole speech, and was pretty much talking to himself by the end of it. But then, he took a deep breath, and looked Tedcrag dead in the eye.

“Old friend, we had some good times, you and I. But destiny had different fates in store for the two of us. My destiny was to become emperor of Hydraco, and eventually the world. And yours... I’m afraid it has to be cut short. I’ll miss you, Ted, I really will. May Kulichi send you off in peace.”

Before Tedcrag could respond, the emperor swung his sword and lopped Tedcrag’s head clean off. Prahringerr, saddened but determined, ordered his ninja guards to “dispose of the rest.” They nodded and headed off to execute the other two. Prahringerr, now alone, let out a deep sigh and sat down in his chair, looking down at his close friend’s body and severed head, and he shed a single tear.

Now typically, in situations like this, the person who made a horrifying mistake like Tedcrag here would summon some of their inner inspiration, which is just an odd way of saying that the LBG - *sometimes* - have very limited time travel powers… unconsciously, for the most part. Sadly, at this juncture in their journey Tedcrag had no inspiration left within him as his friend swiftly decapitated him.

But this isn’t the end of the campaign. Let’s rewind to a few minutes earlier in time, where Gulliman meanwhile was just chilling in his room eating some delicious foods that the emperor’s best chefs had prepared him and the others. Of particular interest to him was the raw fish. There was so much of it, but he was just gobbling it down. He ate it all up, to the point where there was just one single piece left. As he reached to grab it, his arm slipped and the piece fell to the ground.

Not being a filthy animal, Gulliman did not pick it up and eat it off the ground. Instead, he sat there staring at it. Gulliman was very sad for a second, then his face lit up in determination. He said “Not today, raw fish. *Not today.*” He kept staring at the raw fish, until suddenly time reversed about 10 seconds. The raw fish was back on the plate, and so Gulliman happily ate it up.

At that very moment, a few floors above him, Tedcrag was briefing Prahringerr about the battle rifle of Gulliman’s.

“Yeah, it has extraordinary power,” Tedcrag said. “It almost single-handedly took out those elven ships, and it…” he stopped.

“And it…?” Prahringerr pressed him, quite interested in this weapon.

Tedcrag looked very confused for a second. In that moment, it felt as if a dwarf had slapped him, but as far as he could tell there was only himself and Prahringerr in the room. “I… I lost my train of thought. But uh, anyway, it’s quite a powerful weapon. There may be more of them still at the Portmereton base.”

Prahringerr took note of this. He then told Tedcrag how he wanted to make him a general of his armies for the wars to come, but Tedcrag politely declined again - he could never be a military man, not like his father and Rakavist. Instead, Prahringerr decided to send him on another mission - he gave him some details, but Tedcrag would soon forget about them only to be debriefed again in the next chapter, so no worries. Tedcrag was eventually excused, as Prahringerr had a city to repair. He headed back down to Gulliman, finding him on the balcony looking out at the burning city in the distance.

Tedcrag walked up next to him. They both were silent as the two looked at all the damage. Only after a minute did Tedcrag speak up.

“Such a horrible thing those wizards did.”

## Episode XLVII: The Clip Show Episode

Gralak spent a whole week recovering from his injuries. Thankfully, the pyromancers healed everything up - except, of course, his hair. Upon waking up, Gralak at first did not know where he was, but a doctor came in and explained everything. He pointed out Gralak’s leg which had grown more scales. Gralak nonchalantly blamed it on a potion from a witch dragon in the slums, which to the doctor sounded like the ravings of a madman.

As Gralak recovered, Prahringerr sent some scholars to teach the other two Elvish. Gulliman picked it up rather quickly, but Tedcrag was slow to learn. After a week, Gralak returned, and the other two explained what had happened. After this, Gulliman went shopping, getting some health potions from the pyromancers. He asked the pyromancer for stealth advice, but the pyromancer knew nothing about stealth. He then asked some officers for forged passes -- between these occurrences and asking Tazgar for divers a few episodes ago, he had picked up a strange habit of asking people for stuff outside their realm of expertise.

Tedcrag meanwhile had another briefing with the emperor. This time, he would hopefully remember the details of the mission briefing. The goal was to plant a device inside one of the pyramids in the Elven capital, which was one of their main bases of operations. They would know which pyramid of three was the right pyramid, because it would have one of the VIs inside of it. Tedcrag agreed to the mission, though regretted that they would not yet be able to take a Pernimius vacation like Gralak had asked for.

After the briefing, Tedcrag had dinner with Prahringerr and his wife, who was actually an old childhood friend of theirs. Tedcrag made a mental note not to accidentally get her killed and make Prahringerr hunt him down… he’d dealt with enough vengeful dragon widowers for one lifetime. The three of them reminisced and shared drinks.

Tedcrag was a bit of a lightweight, so after drinking a few drinks that would normally only leave someone a bit buzzed, Tedcrag was a step or two beyond that point when he returned to the others. “I hope you had as much fun for three,” Gralak said, in a way only Gralak could. Instead of explaining the emperor’s mission in this state, Tedcrag opted to just sleep it off. Waking up fully refreshed, he gave them all the info, this time not forgetting a single detail.

Partway through his explanation, Gulliman got bored and walked away, and then Tedcrag and Gralak fell into a trance that they hadn’t fallen into for quite some time.

**Histoire 2 Chapitre 1: Sortir de la Goo**

Beecher et Jack étaient en fuite en Afrique subsaharienne. Ils se faisaient chasser par les coloniaux. Au lieu de courir, Beecher leur rendit la pareille. Les balles ont rebondi sur sa peau étincelante. Beecher les a frappées au visage et leur tête a explosé en morceaux du drapeau français.

Jack a laissé tomber son pantalon. Il avait le plus grand membre jamais vu. Il l'a utilisé comme un club pour frapper les gens. Un Français a offert une baguette comme offrande de paix. Jack l'accepta puis le battit avec la baguette.

Des escargots ont commencé à sortir des cadavres, mais Beecher a sorti sa fidèle salière qu’il avait plantée auparavant. Il la lança sur les escargots, tous immédiatement consumés dans la couleur tricolore française.

Personne:

Jack: \* sort la couverture du Blu-Ray "Le Chat au Chapeau" et la laisse tomber au sol parce que c'est tranchant \*

**Fin**

Tedcrag and Gralak woke up, and Gulliman came back as Tedcrag finished his explanation of the mission. Gralak was sad he could not see Nesi yet, but understood the urgency of their mission. The three rested a bit, stocked up on some goods, and prepared to leave. Before they could, the emperor summoned them for a meeting. He was having some sort of conference with a large crowd. He gave a dramatic speech, saying how the three of them had worked together valiantly - he said that only together can dragons, humans, and dwarves defeat the evil elves.

Prahringerr proceeded to knight the three of them. In addition to a knighting, Tedcrag also received a deed to land and a document that officiated his new status as a noble of Hydraco. He’d be able to be a member of the aristocracy, had political sway, and was able to own land and *massive* amounts of slaves, among other things. While Tedcrag didn’t know how much of this he’d actually end up utilizing, he was deeply grateful nonetheless.

Tedcrag and Prahringerr exchanged farewells, and the three boarded a ship. Right before they could set off, like something out of a movie, a familiar face came running to them just as they were setting off - none other than Z-Dog! He would be their navigator. As always, Zenith was welcomed aboard with open arms.

One night during their voyage, the four sat around in a circle and exchanged stories. Gralak decided to make this into a fake clip show, sharing stories that never happened, and Tedcrag and Gulliman played along. These stories included disguising themselves as circus performers, and Gulliman’s - ahem - exciting night with a dwarf named Esmeralda. Zenith, seeing some of their exploits firsthand, naturally believed everything.

But later on, in the dead of night, they spotted a ship on the horizon. Looking through binoculars they had, Gulliman couldn’t really make out the ship’s flag. Tedcrag looked through next, and recognized none other than the symbol of Timothy Dalton, the doge of Senten.

Excitedly, Tedcrag proclaimed to Gralak what he saw. Gralak was amazed, but then looked through the binoculars himself, only to see an elven symbol. He tried to explain this to Tedcrag, but Tedcrag was *adamant* that it was Timothy Dalton himself.

“No, Tedcrag!” Gralak said fiercely. “That’s the enemy!”

“Timothy Dalton’s our enemy?”

And so they prepared to exchange fire. Before the LBG could fire a shot off themselves, a shot from the elves’ ship went through the main sail.

As shrap metal from the ensuing explosion hit all of our heroes, three of them began to prepare for combat with the elven nation once again -- and the other one, quite bewildered, prepared for combat with Senten.

## Episode XLVIII: Can't Walk On Water, Unless You've Got Power

We last left our heroes with their ship being attacked by some asshole elves. Their first ballista shot devastated the sails, and the ensuing debris knocked everyone to the ground. Tedcrag was closest to the ballista, so he got up and attempted to arm it. While still face-down on the ground, Gralak yelled some words of support: “Ted, you got this, you’re really good at shooting a ballista. Just use your skills!”

Gulliman put three of his explosive bolts onto the ballista that Tedcrag would fire. Tedcrag, full of determination, fired!... and it sank into the water, not even getting close to its target. Everyone else on the ship gave him a look of disgust and disappointment, and Tedcrag just shrugged. They began trying to reload, but were interrupted by something much worse.

The enemy’s next shot hit the LBG's ballista dead-on. It exploded, and though the LBG was fortunate enough to duck in time, Zenith was not so lucky. He was ravaged by shrapnel, and then buried under the ensuing debris. Gralak sprinted over and got the rubble off of him, but Zenith was still gravely wounded.

Gralak then remembered that he could walk on water. He stood up on the edge of the ship. Gulliman asked him “Where are you going?”

Gralak just pointed to the enemy ship, a bloodthirsty look in his eye, and said:

*“I’m going hunting.”*

With that, he leapt into the water and started running, arms behind his back, towards the enemy ship. Gulliman and Tedcrag decided they would use rowboats to follow him, but not before Tedcrag healed Zenith, which kept his wounds from being too severe.

Tedcrag effortlessly jumped into his rowboat, but Gulliman tripped over the edge and fell into the water in full plated armor. He began sinking like a rock, and frantically struggled to take off his armor. Tedcrag leapt in after him, but by the time he had done so, Gulliman had already taken off his armor and started surfacing. RIP his expensive armor. The two of them got back in their boats and rowed toward the enemy ship, covered by a fog from one of Gulliman’s spells.

Meanwhile, Gralak was finishing up storming Area 51. Having run in the manner he did, their ballista bolts couldn’t even hit him. He ran around the side of the ship, then did an acrobatic leap onto the boat. “Have at it, gents!” he said, switching to a pirate persona.

Perhaps stunned by this seemingly impossible feat, two of the three elves immediately dropped their swords and surrendered. But the third, who seemed to be the leader, wasn’t pleased - he barked orders at the other two who reluctantly picked up their swords to fight. Gralak prepared for an epic 3v1 swordfight, but this wasn’t an action movie where the enemies took turns fighting; no, instead they all came at him at once. The leader fired an arrow at Gralak, hitting him in the arm, and the other two rushed him.

But as they engaged in swordplay, both Gralak's and the enemies' attacks kept missing. All of Gralak's bravado and intimidation from his dramatic entrance was starting to fade. The leader even said “Come on, we can get him, he’s terrible!” … As karma would have it, the leader then missed two arrow shots in a row.

Rising to the challenge, Gralak plunged his sword into the enemy, severely wounding him. “You should have kept your sword in the ground,” he said menacingly, then stabbed him like a Bolton would in a show that used to be well-written. “Tedcrag sends his regards.”

Enraged at this, the leader roared “We’ll never surrender!” to which Gralak retorted “So be it.”

The other elf responded in turn. Seeing his friend get killed, he decided to go for it. He did a suicidal charge at Gralak, taking the both of them off of the ship and into the water. What he wasn’t thinking about was that Gralak could walk on water, and that said spell was still in effect. While Gralak just hit the surface of the water, the other elf just kind of awkwardly bounced off of him and treaded water next to him.

Yet not all of Gralak stayed above the water - the spell didn't affect his possessions - and Gralak was too slow to react. From the impact of the fall, Gralak’s ancestral sword had slipped from his hand and fallen into the water, and it sunk into the depths below…

“*My ancestral sword!*” Gralak cried out as if losing a loved one.

And so the sword sunk deeper and deeper, to the bottom of the sea. On the ocean floor, it landed on top of something… or *someone*.

Back on the surface, Gralak was still crying like a child over the loss of his sword. The elf next to him, not really knowing what to say or do, was sheepishly consoling him by patting his back.

But all of a sudden, a whirlpool appeared next to them, and a giant spout of water erupted from the ocean. A man slowly arose, with Gralak’s ancestral sword in his hand. Pitbull’s *Ocean to Ocean* started playing at an ear-blastingly loud level. “I AM AQUAMAN, AND I HAVE ARISEN,” he said. “THANK YOU FOR RETURNING MY TRIDENT TO ME.”

“That’s a sword.” Gralak corrected him.

“......MY TRIDENT. WITH THIS TRIDENT, I WILL BECOME KING OF THE SEA, AND THEN THE LAND. I WOULD HAVE DONE THIS THOUSAND OF YEARS AGO, BUT THOSE DAMN PIRATES FROM SENTEN STOLE IT AND LOCKED IT AWAY...”

“I’m from Senten!” Gralak said without thinking. “And that’s my ancestral sword!”

“And he’s a pirate!” the elf chimed in.

“THEN YOU MUST DIE,” Aquaman turned to Gralak and raised the sword into the air, and lightning struck down upon it to charge it with kino energy. Gralak, his life flashing before his eyes, did a Jimmy Neutron brain blast to try and think of a way out of this. He had said something very dumb, so only something equally dumb would get him out of this. Tedcrag’s face flashed before his eyes, and Gralak had a brilliantly dumb idea.

“Wait! I’ve just been holding onto it!” he yelled. Aquaman paused for a second. Gralak continued. “Do you know the name of the person from Senten who stole the trident?”

Aquaman thought for a moment. “WHO WAS IT?.... AH, THAT’S RIGHT. HE WAS FROM THE NOBLE FAMILY OF DALTON.”

Gralak immediately pointed to the elves’ ship. “You see that sail? That sigil there is that of Timothy Dalton, the doge of Senten! It was his ancestors who stole your sword!”

Aquaman’s face twisted, and veins appeared all over his face. *Ocean to Ocean* grew louder and louder. “TIME FOR AN ASS WHOOPING!” he bellowed, and pointed his trident at the ship. The lightning that had been building up shot straight at the ship, exploding it into a million tiny pieces. “MY MAN!” Aquaman yelled in triumph.

Gralak was impressed and relieved. He decided maybe he’d stay in this timeline instead of resorting to inspiration, but the next few moments made him change his mind.

But he then turned to Gralak. “BUT YOU, MY MAN… YOU ARE STILL FROM SENTEN, SO PART OF THE BLAME FALLS UPON YOU AS WELL!”

Without skipping a beat, Aquaman impaled Gralak with his own ancestral sword/trident. *Ocean to Ocean* grew louder still until it was basically all you could hear.

“Not…” Gralak coughed up blood, as life faded from his eyes and as Aquaman stood above him with his dopey Jason Mamoa grin. “not... *today*!”

And with that, Gralak’s inner inspiration finally kicked in, and time reverted. Aquaman would lay forever dormant at the bottom of the sea, at least until the next DC reboot. As Gralak dropped his sword, he *instantly* reached down and grabbed it before it could sink, and stood up atop the water in triumph.

Meanwhile, Tedcrag and Gulliman had *finally* rowed far enough to make it to the ship. They could see the elven leader standing atop the ship, seemingly unfazed by his companion jumping overboard. Gulliman fired an explosive crossbow bolt at him, which singed his face. Tedcrag rowed close enough to be in earshot, and yelled a command spell. “Hey, Timothy!... *Die!*”

Without hesitation, the elf who may or may not have been named Timothy immediately pulled out a dagger and slit his own throat. Gralak and the last elf had climbed back up onto the boat at this point, and when the elf saw his leader’s fate, he immediately surrendered once more.

This elf’s name was Vulen. Despite the prisoner already being terrified, Gulliman made scary noises and threatened him with his axe. Gralak, perhaps still traumatized after the incident, started running back to their main ship. Tedcrag interrogated Vulen, but he was just a simple soldier and he had no worthwhile intel. Nevertheless, they decided to keep him alive - he could possibly prove useful once they reached the mainland.

After making it back to their own ship and explaining the situation to Zenith, Gralak sailed the ship over to the other one. They looted the elves' ship, replacing their broken sails and ballista, and now they sported an elven banner on their sails to better disguise their ship.

Gralak, having a psychotic itch he needed to scratch, decided to play a game with Vulen. He’d have him perform an hour-long one-man show, threatening no dinner if the show wasn’t up to snuff.

“But your grace, the Geneva Conventions,” Zenith said, dismayed at the way Gralak was treating the prisoner. It seemed Zenith still had a lot to learn about ol’ Gralak and his antics.

But not really having a choice, Vulen complied, and in the end he did a decent job of it, making great use of incense, berries for painting, and some vestments. Gralak eventually did decide to give him dinner, a nice sushi meal. And so, the LBG + Zenith + prisoner Vulen sailed deeper and deeper into elven territory. Of course, time would probably freeze for another week or more - Gulliman was going into one of his trances, this time just saying the words “Prime week!” on loop over and over. But when time resumes, the Pyramid Plan will soon be underway!

## Episode XLIX: We're Bad? No, We're the Worst.

Do not read this chapter. Please do not read this chapter. I beg of you. Just assume the worst and skip to the next one. There’s nothing to find here but despair. The sweet cycle of victory and celebration is about to come to a gruesome end.

In season 1, Episode XI / XII was our “we’re bad” moment of the campaign, where we killed an innocent guard or two, got ourselves captured, lost Tedcrag a hand temporarily, lost Gulliman’s family jewels (just the pearls, the ancestral sword is still there), and inadvertently lead to the death of Iris and Olgierd’s subsequent quest for vengeance, which in turn led to his own unfortunate end at the hands of the Jack of Diamonds serial killer.

37 chapters later, that was still worst the group had ever had to deal with. They had some bad moments, sure, like almost giving away dangerous secrets to the emperor of Hydraco (twice!). But all in all, it’s been more or less a pretty solid ride since then.

Until now. I urge you one last time to stop. Maps used to say “there be dragons here”, but just because the maps don’t say that anymore doesn’t mean the dragons aren’t there………. or I guess elves, in this case. Still reading? It’s your funeral.

We left our heroes very close to entering the capital of the elven nation that I still don’t remember the name of. Aboard our ship is the LBG trio, along with their main man Zenith and the new prisoner Vulen (pronounced “Valoon”). As their sail neared the coast, they noticed a ship hailing them at their approach. Instead of having planned things out beforehand like intelligent people should (on a critical spy mission, no less), they frantically started planning things as the ship was quickly heading towards them.

After a panicked deliberation, it was decided that Gralak and Gulliman would pose as merchants, with Tedcrag and Zenith disguising themselves as draconic slaves. Tedcrag assumed his role, ready to return the favor as a slave after having briefly done the same to Gralak and Gulliman in Hydraco. Zenith, however, refused. His Hydraconian pride would not let him pose as a slave, even if it cost him his life.

Up to now, Z-Dog had been a paragon of all that is righteous and good in the world, but here the elitist Hydraconian ideals ingrained in him came forth. Gulliman tried desperately to convince him, but he would not budge. Giving up, they simply told him to hide somewhere. They didn’t tell him where to hide, they just told him to hide. A big fucking dragon hiding on a ship, and they hand-waved it. What the fuck. Anyway, they decided Vulen should hide as well.

Wasting no time, the other ship quickly boarded the LBG’s ship, and they were greeted by an elven entourage. The elf in charge asked for papers, to which Gralak gave them the oh-so-handy Seal of Senten. Everything seemed to be in order for now, and Tedcrag was sent off to be branded.

The brand-giver noticed Tedcrag's previous brand (the word “Traitor” from back in the twin cities), and branded him once again with an “X” right below it. Little did they know that this would be the origin story of the famous dragon outlaw “Traitor X”, but that’s a story for another day. Tedcrag resisted the pain of the branding, by distracting himself with fond memories of home.

After Tedcrag’s branding, the ship was subsequently searched. “Shit, I never would have expected they do that,” the LBG said collectively as a blonde man somewhere shook his head in disappointment. And wouldn’t you know it, the elves immediately found Z-Dog!

Gulliman nervously tried to explain Zenith was another slave of theirs, but A) Zenith still refused to play along, and B) the elf didn't want to listen to a dwarf so physically and socially beneath him. The elf slapped Gulliman after he spoke out of turn too many times.

Meanwhile, Gralak was meeting with the captain. It all started well enough, but quickly escalated into something else entirely.

“What’s your cargo?” the captain asked a perfectly normal question.

Gralak shrugged. “I dunno.”

“...you don’t know your own cargo?” the captain was confused.

Gralak’s mind was clearly racing, but he couldn’t come up with anything. He tried explaining that he had had a long journey, and his mind had been elsewhere, like the birth of his first child, but the captain didn't give a shit. Eventually the best thing he could come up with was “Mostly… food? And stuff you’d find in your living room?”

“You’re a merchant who clearly doesn’t know his own cargo. That’s very strange, human. Tell me, do you know the customs of our country?”

He was met with a deafening silence from Gralak.

“Did you not hear me?” the captain was growing more and more impatient. “What are our country’s customs?”

Gralak, with the most punchable grin in the world, retorted: “I don't know captain, why don’t *you* tell me your customs?”

The captain had reached his breaking point. He would not stand for such insolence. He promised Gralak that he would send his ship away at once, and stormed off. Gralak just kind of stood there for a moment. While he hadn’t given any crucial intel to Prahringerr, he’d single-handedly botched the mission with his inability to give the captain any good answers. But surely it couldn’t get any worse, he thought, so he sheepishly walked back out and followed the captain.

In probably the worst timing ever, as the two emerged from the captain’s cabin, they saw the others emerging from below, with Zenith being hauled out as a prisoner. With a grin, the captain turned back to Gralak and said with growing amusement and malice: “Oh, *and* you’re smuggling slaves as well?”

There was a brief pause. “I’ve never seen that man before in my life,” Gralak said.

Tedcrag and Gulliman's jaws dropped, and Zenith was visibly hurt by this, shedding a single tear. Gralak was about to go insane from the stress, as the captain and his men clearly weren’t buying what he said. The elves were preparing to detain him and the others. At a glance, Gralak saw the gangplank back to their own ship. *Immediately*, he fucking bolted for it.

He didn’t get far, though. Two soldiers tackled him to the ground. The captain had had enough. He made Gralak kneel, and unsheathed his sword to execute him, not even asking for any last words. Gralak thought of Senten, of Nesi and his child he hadn’t met yet, of his master Vittorio (the finest sword in Senten) and all of his other friends back home. He hoped they would forgive him for his failures, and that he’d see them all eventually in the great beyond...

But a half-second before the captain would swing his sword, Tedcrag desperately yelled out “Wait!”... And, shockingly, the captain and the guards waited, perhaps out of curiosity more than anything, at the sight of this slave suddenly exercising free will. “We have top-secret intel from the Hydraconian government!”

As unbelievable a claim as it was, it was actually true. But of course, the elves didn’t believe it. They were highly amused though, and asked him what he knew, to which Tedcrag talked for a bit, but again, they had 0 reason to believe him. However, this apparently served to stop or at least postpone Gralak’s execution. The captain ordered all of them imprisoned and tortured, and they were sent their separate ways. Tedcrag was brutally tortured to the point of unconsciousness, and meanwhile Gralak and Gulliman were roughed up a bit in a cell below deck. They never did see where Zenith went…

Somewhere in another dimension, in a dark room, a blonde man was repeatedly smashing his face into his desk in utter disbelief. As he stared at his paper materials and a screen of some sort, he wondered what the fuck he was going to do with this situation. Everyone was injured, all of their belongings had been confiscated, and they hadn’t even gotten ashore yet. This was literally their first interaction with the elves on this mission, apart from the battle last episode, and they had fucked it up in spectacular fashion.

The blonde man didn’t know what to do. Was this the end of their little adventure? He could think of no way out - all four had been captured! Unless… his eyes were drawn to a single piece on his board that was still lurking below deck. But no, he couldn’t… surely there was no way that piece could betray his own country… could he? The blonde man knew what he had to do.

Meanwhile, in the realm of the living, Gralak and Gulliman shared a cell. They lamented their current situation, genuinely feeling that this was the end. There was no way out. All was lost… until, a hooded elf made his way into their cell. As the two prepared to be tortured again, the elf lowered its hood. Surprise, it was Vulen!

Shockingly, Vulen still seemed to be on their side, despite being among his countrymen! But Gralak and Gulliman were not about to look a gift elf in the mouth, as Vulen quickly freed the two of them from their bindings, returned Gulliman’s trinket, and explained what he knew. Together, the three of them planned a desperate do-or-die heist.

The plan was as follows: Gralak would find Tedcrag and rescue him, then the two of them would then go to a nearby rowboat and wait. Gulliman, meanwhile, would sneak up to a room at the top, where Vulen told him that they could find Gralak’s trinket - along with some other personal belongings of theirs - then get to the rowboat and wait. Finally, Vulen would go and shoot a cannon to serve as a distraction, but would wait five minutes for the other two to complete their tasks before firing it. When everybody had boarded the rowboat, they would hopefully escape in the commotion.

Gralak made a rousing speech, ending it off with a signature “Let’s go team.” Everyone had their missions, and it was go-time. If any of them failed in their tasks or got caught, they all were assuredly dead. The stakes had never been higher - they were even higher than that one time Tedcrag made a bet with Gralak that if he lost, he would watch whatever famous plays and performances that Gralak wanted him to for a whole year. But we don't speak of that.

*-Operation “Don’t Die”, Part I: A Dragon in Distress-*

Gralak was off to find his dragon friend. Knowing the elves and how they hated dragons, he had a hunch that Tedcrag was tied to a mast somewhere. He needed to get to a higher deck, so he began climbing a ladder, but perhaps due to the stress of the whole situation, he slipped and fell off the ladder, making an obnoxiously loud sound. Three elves came over to see what was going on, and they saw it was the human who had escaped.

Gralak knew he had fucked it up for everyone - they were all dead because of his clumsiness. He wanted to go down fighting, but he had no weapon on hand. As three elves charged at him with their swords, he closed his eyes, fell to his knees, and accepted his imminent death.

But death never came. Right before they could get close enough, someone came literally bursting through the wall next to him like the Kool-Aid Man, knocking one of the elves off of the ship into the water below. In utter amazement, Gralak saw that the man who had just torn through the wall was none other than Zenith.

“Need a hand, Gralak?” he said, making a badass pose and offering his hand. Gralak gratefully took it, and Zenith handed him a dagger, of which he had two. There were still two other elves, however, who had recovered from the shock of Zenith's entrance, both on opposite sides of the two of them. Gralak and Zenith stood back-to-back.

“I received a vision from Kulichi that my friend Gralak was in peril, and I could not abandon him!” Zenith said. “Us members of the LBG never abandon each other! Now let’s kill these elves and return to his majesty. I’ve got a family to get back to!”

“You’ve got it, Zenith!” Gralak said, full of renewed energy. The two, daggers in hand, engaged in an epic 2v2 sword/dagger fight, in which they managed to defeat both their enemies. But it wasn’t over yet. The commotion had attracted the other elves, who came in endless numbers. But no matter how many came, Gralak and Zenith succeeded, taking their weapons and armor for themselves and overthrowing the entire ship just like that.

“We surrender!” the captain finally yelled when only a few elves remained, and they all dropped their weapons. Gralak confiscated them, and Zenith breathed a sigh of relief, and collapsed in exhaustion. Vulen, Gulliman, and even Tedcrag gathered around them, imprisoning the survivors. Victorious, the five sat down on the ship’s bow and shared some drinks in celebration.

“Another day, another victory,” Gulliman said. Tedcrag nodded, and said. “We couldn’t have done it without you, Z-Dog!”

“But of course,” Zenith smiled humbly. “What are friends for?” His face turned serious, and he turned to Gralak. “Listen, Gralak… when you said you had never seen me before a few hours ago, I was sad at first, but upon reflection I realized you were only trying to protect yourself and the others, and you were surely going to rescue me eventually. I forgive you wholeheartedly.”

Gralak, tears in his eyes at how gracious and kind this dragon was, couldn’t even respond, and just nodded. “For Hydraco!” he raised as a toast.

“For Hydraco!” the others, even Vulen, cheered.

As they all drank, no one saw coming what happened next. An arrow went straight through Gralak’s heart, and he spat out a pool of blood. Everyone turned and saw none other than the captain, who had freed himself somehow.

"That'll teach you to not know your own cargo!" the captain yelled out.

Gralak’s life was fading from his eyes fast. The captain prepared to fire again. Vulen had no idea what to do, and Gulliman and Tedcrag were too injured to react in time. Zenith, withou hesitation, leapt down at the captain and struck him with his dagger, but was shot by the captain’s bow in the process.

Gralak, clinging to life, heard as Zenith yelled back up at him. “Gralak! Tedcrag! Gulliman! I leave the rest to you!” A few more elves emerged from the lower decks and pelted Zenith with arrows, but he persisted. “The three of you… and myself, too, if I may be so bold… we are the LBG! I never found out what that actually stands for, but right now I don’t care!”

In an amazing display of strength, Zenith killed the captain then threw his dagger at another elf’s face. “You three are my dearest comrades, who’ve saved me time and time again. I trust that you will get us all off this ship, if I just give you another chance. We’re going to make it, in this timeline or the next!”

Gralak and Zenith were both bleeding out, but Zenith was somehow still standing, and elves actually started running away from him in pure terror, some jumping into the water to escape his wrath. “I’ve never done this before, but I think I’ve traveled with you all long enough to get the gist of it. I leave the rest to you, Gralak! Just don’t forget about me, you hear?” he chuckled a bit and smiled.

Zenith stood atop the front of the ship, looking like a goddamn legend, and pointed towards the pyramids in the elven capital in the distance. With his last bit of energy, he yelled as loud as he could: *“Not... Today!”*

Time reversed several minutes. Gralak climbed the ladder effortlessly and stealthfully. He noticed he had tears in his eyes, but he shrugged it off and pressed onward. Sure enough, he found Tedcrag tied up. He wasn’t very well guarded, and Gralak was able to free him quite easily.

After explaining the situation to Tedcrag, the two made their way towards the rowboat, but Tedcrag was in no position to move quickly or stealthily. Along the way, he tripped on a bad knee, but thankfully an elf on a higher deck just confused it for another elf tripping, and Gralak managed to cover for him. They made it to the rowboat and waited for the others…

*-Operation “Don’t Die”, Part II: High Treason-*

While I can’t divulge the details, Vulen here solidified the betrayal of his own country by waiting for the five minutes to elapse and then shooting the cannon as a distraction. He bolted back to the rowboat and jumped on, only finding Tedcrag and Gralak below the tarp.

“Where’s Gulliman?” he asked in a hushed tone. “We have to leave!”

*-Operation “Don’t Die”, Part III: The Walking Dwarf-*

Gulliman snuck all around the ship without incident, never tripping on any ladders or anything like that. He found them unguarded - there was Gralak’s trinket, Gralak’s ancestral sword, Gulliman’s battle rifle, Tedcrag’s lich and spider books that he still had for some reason, and a couple hundred gold. There was also a conveniently-sized box in the corner. Wasting no time, Gulliman shoved everything into the box and started making his way around to the rowboat.

He went around the back of the ship to avoid detection, and walked stealthily throughout. About halfway through, he heard an explosion, most likely Vulen’s cannon shot. Most men would start booking it here, but not Gulliman. Given how all of the elves were running around in the commotion, it was probably more suspicious to be walking, but Gulliman didn’t seem to care. As he turned the corner, he saw everyone else waiting in the boat.

He kept on walking. An elf appeared and noticed him and the others because of this, but Gulliman kept walking anyway. Gralak eventually got fed up with him and yelled at the top of his lungs “*JUST. RUN!*” as the elf who spotted him ran back and started alerting his countrymen about the escapees.

*-Operation “Don’t Die”, Finale-*

Gulliman *finally* boarded the rowboat, but the rowboat was still tied to the ship! There was nothing to cut it with, and they started to panic. Then Gralak saw his ancestral sword gleaming from the box, and he pulled it out and cut the ropes. They splashed into the water and started rowing away as fast as they could, but the whole ship was aware of their presence by this point.

Gulliman pulled out his battle rifle. It had two charges left, and he was about to use one of them. But he needed to wait until they were far enough away.

The ship’s cannons facing them were all manned now.

Gulliman waited.

The ship’s cannons were all pointed straight towards them now.

Gulliman waited still.

“Fire already!” the other three yelled. Gulliman started to pull the trigger, but mid-trigger pull, all the ship's cannons fired at once, and their little rowboat exploded in a million pieces, leaving no trace and no survivors.

…

…

…

Tedcrag, Gralak, Gulliman, and Vulen woke up. They were on a fluffy white cloud. In front of them was a golden gate, currently closed. Eventually, five flying figures dropped down from the sky. Among them was a familiar face - the God of the North. There was also the dragon god Kulichi, an unnamed dwarf god, and a mysterious elf god. The last one appeared to be a normal blonde human, with a many-sided die in his hand.

“Welcome to Heaven!” the blonde god said. The LBG’s faces lit up as the pearly gates opened.

“Vulen, step forward,” the elf god said. He had a slip of paper with him. “While you did betray your people in your final minutes, your selflessness in rescuing the men who spared your life was admirable, and your one-man performance aboard their ship earlier brought at tear to my eye.”

A halo appeared above Vulen’s head, and he ran through the gates, disappearing into the clouds. They could faintly hear the Backstreet Boys playing at a party, but it faded out as the gates started closing.

The elf god disappeared. After a long pause, the blonde god sighed. “...thus concludes today’s Heaven immigration. I’ll leave the rest to you three.”

The blonde god vanished, leaving only the God of the North, Kulichi, and the dwarf god. All of a sudden, the clouds vanished, and their surroundings were replaced by a fiery hellscape. There were obsidian gates in front of them. All three members of the LBG broke out in a cold sweat and dreaded what came next.

“Welcome to Hell!” Kulichi boomed. “Your hearings will commence now. All verdicts will be passed down at the end. First up. Robute Gulliman, step forward.”

Gulliman stepped forward. The dwarf god pulled out some documents and read them.

“Gulliman, your list is the tamest of the three,” the dwarf said. “But still an incriminating one. The three of you released a horde of goblins on the city of Basdun, causing mass death and hysteria.”

Gulliman gulped.

“... and you then lied to your own brother about your own involvement. Tsk, tsk.”

Gulliman bowed his head in shame.

“Ooh, a more recent charge… you shot your doomsday rifle four times in the Hydraconian capital’s poor district, burning down a small portion of the city and killing several innocent civilians from the lower class, all just to kill a few mages. That’s not a good look, Robute.”

“I accept whatever punishment you deem accep-” Gulliman started, but was loudly interrupted by the dwarf god.

“*SILENCE!*... Hm, there’s a few other charges here, nothing too major. Wait... what the fuck? You offered to pay an entire bar’s tab and then ran away without paying? How utterly disgraceful. Kulichi, you go next, I can’t even look at him."

The dwarf god stepped aside, and Kulichi, the dragon god, was up next. “Tedcrag of Hydraco, step forward.”

Tedcrag stepped forward as Gulliman walked back to Gralak. Kulichi looked at his own documents. “For a paladin, my boy, you’ve done some pretty bad things, and I’m just skimming here,” he said, before continuing.

“For instance, you killed some dwarves to steal their cargo after Basdun, and you also partook in the murders of two guards in the twin cities. You sold out your friend Olgierd, getting his wife killed in the process, and you killed an actual dragon mother and buried its eggs… need I go on?”

Tedcrag shook his head, but Kulichi went on anyway. “This one stands out to me in particular… so, you released *a giant man-eating spider monster* into the wild. What on Venus was going through your head?”

“It… the spider was very sad, and experienced a lot of pain,” Tedcrag tried to explain himself. “Given what Olgierd had put me through right before, I felt a sort of kinship with him. I thought I could tame him--”

“Enough!” Kulichi said. “I could tell you how many innocent lives that spider has taken since, but I think it’s more fun having you not know.”

Kulichi was about to be done, but saw one last footnote. “Wait, you killed him? The incarnation of the One True God that stands above us all?”

Tedcrag was very confused, until the dragon god explained.

“By His Name, the murder of our God George’s vessel shall not go unpunished. I’m done with you. God of the North, you deal with…. *him*.” He shuddered at that last word.

The God of the North took the stand. Whereas the other two had only a few slips of paper, the God of the North had a hundred pages in a bundle. “Gralak of Senten, step forward.”

Gralak stepped forward, sweating harder than Jordan Peele in that one meme.

“Where to begin...” the God of the North sighed. “Well, your first thirty-something years aren’t too bad, honestly.” He threw the first five pages away, but 95 still remained. “It’s the last couple years where you really went off the rails.”

“Okay, so right off the bat you killed a bandit woman for having the crime of sharing your beloved’s hair color. What else? Let’s see… Basdun goblin massacre, murders in the twin cities palace, I see a lot of overlap with the others here… what’s this? You’re the infamous Jack of Diamonds serial killer? Glad you finally bit the dust, you were a true monster.”

“I didn’t really kill anyone--” Gralak tried to explain himself, but cut himself off knowing it was a lie. “It was just a prank, bro”, he said under his breath.

“Now I can’t let this next one slide," the human god went on. "After you saved Tedcrag from Olgierd, this man, powerless and on his knees, says to you ‘*I hope the death of my family weighs heavily on your soul*’. And do you recall your response?”

“No,” Gralak lied.

“...*It doesn’t!*” the God of the North said in the exact same same cheery tone Gralak had said those words in years before. “And you know, there’s a surprisingly large amount of sexual harassment here, Gralak, with women of all ages. It's current century, my dude. I’m disappointed in you; when I appeared before you a few months ago I had hoped you’d turn your life around, but... wait, you killed Tedcrag’s father Iorveth?”

“I did?” Gralak said in disbelief.

“He did *WHAT?!*” Tedcrag said, enraged.

“Wait, no, my mistake,” the God of the North corrected himself. “That’s the wrong timeline. Your father’s fine, as far as I know,” he said to Tedcrag before continuing.

The God of the North was visibly disgusted at Gralak. “I could go on reading, but I think I’ve made my point.” But before he could stop, Kulichi whispered something in his ear.

“...It appears a witness has volunteered to stand and make a comment at this hearing. This witness is accepted.”

Out from the shadows walked a familiar face, Zenith. Gralak’s face lit up.

“Zenith! You’re here!" Gralak cheered. "You have to explain to these gods that we did everything we did for good reasons and with noble intentions. Please, Zenith! You’ve got to help us!”

As the gods stepped aside, Zenith walked up to the stand, looked at Gralak with a cold, piercing stare, and said:

“I’ve never seen that man before in my life.”

With that, Zenith walked away, and Gralak collapsed to his knees. After a moment, the three gods stepped back up to the stand, and the dwarf god spoke up.

“We are prepared to render our verdicts.”

“But wait, what about our defense?” Gulliman the lawyer spoke up.

The three gods had a hearty laugh. Kulichi replied “...your defense? No, no, this is merely a sentencing hearing. Your guilt was predetermined. You do realize we’re gods, right?”

“And... what are the sentences?” Tedcrag gulped.

“Hell or Super Hell. All three of you have been sentenced to Super Hell,” the God of the North stated.

Next to the gates of Hell, another gateway magically appeared and opened before them, with horrid sights within. “Welcome to your eternity in Super Hell,” the gods said in unison, and the three were being drawn to it by a powerful wind.

“I can’t die like this without ever seeing my child!” Gralak yelled determinedly, and he grabbed onto the stand with all of his might. The gods just laughed at him.

"You're already dead!"

"N A N I?" Gralak said, then thought for a moment. "Oh, I guess you're right. But you must let me go!"

They all shook their heads. “You have no power here. You are a mere mortal human, and we are gods.”

“wHaT’s A gOd To A nOn bEliEveR,” Gralak said.

The gods ignored him and continued to laugh as Tedcrag and Gulliman were about to enter Super Hell. They too were holding onto rocks on the ground for dear life. Gralak was about to give up, until the blonde god reappeared before him.

“So, you gonna use inspiration or what?” he said, before disappearing again. Gralak, inspired, let go of the stand, flipped off the three gods with both his hands, and just before any of the LBG were pulled into Super Hell, he said the two words taken shamelessly from a once-good TV show.

“Not today.”

Time reversed once more, back to the point where they had just started rowing away from the elven ship.

“Gulliman, fire already!” everyone yelled, a few seconds earlier than they had before. They were still pretty close, but Gulliman recognized the urgency and fired his penultimate rifle shot at the enemy ship.

Just as every time he had fired it before, it hit its target and blew up in a fiery mass. They could see elves flying through the air from the explosion, and the ensuing wave propelled their rowboat further, towards the shore of the capital. As they were brought farther and farther away, they saw it slowly sink, and heard the distant screams of dying elves.

A cold realization came upon all four of them simultaneously. They had forgotten something very important. With perfect dramatic timing, a small patch of someone’s shirt landed in the water right next to them. They recognized it immediately.

“*Z-Doooog!*” they all cried out in pure sadness and grief. Everyone, even Vulen, was devastated. Tedcrag, even with his injuries, slammed his fist into the rowboat so hard that it bled. In all the commotion, they had forgotten to rescue their boy Zenith. They might try to justify it and say that they didn’t know where he was being kept or they didn’t have enough time to get him, but you could have said the same for Tedcrag. Player character privilege, smh.

Nevertheless, it was too late to undo things - and they’d used up more than enough inspiration for one day anyway. They pressed on with heavy hearts, their rinky-dink rowboat getting passed by big ships heading over to see what in the super hell had happened. Eventually, they neared the shore, greeted by some very confused dockworkers.

Vulen intelligently decided that he would pose as a slave owner, with the three of them being his slaves. To think, if they’d gone with that story from the beginning, all of this could have been avoided. They arrived ashore, a milestone they should have reached very early on in the chapter, but here we are.

Vulen went to talk to the dockmaster. The other three just sat outside, very much traumatized. Tedcrag was just muttering “Z-Dog” over and over under his breath, Gulliman was rocking back and forth in fetal position, and Gralak had a thousand-yard stare. Vulen eventually finished talking, and slapped Gralak to really sell the slave story. Apparently Vulen had managed to convince him, and they were all allowed inside the capital proper.

“What the hell just happened,” Vulen said, recollecting everything that had happened over the past few hours.

Gralak, speaking for the first time since learning about Zenith's fate, could only utter a single word in response.

“Hell.”

## Episode L: A Brief Intermission

Well, that last episode was a doozy, wasn't it? Thankfully, this one will be a bit of a short breather, but then… well, imagine a sandwich. The meat of the sandwich is a nice, calm, chewy delight, but there’s not enough of it. The meat is overwhelmingly overpowered by the taste of the bread. The top piece of bread is hard and revolting, and the bottom piece looks like a radioactive mess.

That sandwich, in a nutshell, is Episodes 49-51. So while the first part was pretty rough, here you can enjoy the calm, chewy meat while it lasts, and then brace yourself for the bread that follows it.

Still feeling the trauma of the past few hours, the LBG ventured further into the city. Having used the Seal of Senten, Vulen and by extension the LBG was granted entrance to as far as the inner ring of the city, the noble district. The only place they couldn’t go was the hexagonal boulevard surrounding the pyramids themselves.

Vulen felt a chill down his spine, as if a blonde god would smite him if he stayed in the party for too long. Not wanting to end up like Z-Dog, Vulen declared that they were even now - they had spared his life at sea, and he had saved them just now. His debt was paid, so he bid the LBG farewell. Slightly sad, the LBG let him go to return to his home to see his mother in Elvasari, though he said he’d stay in the city for a little while…

The LBG was now back to just its core three. They found an alleyway where they could make plans in private and began discussing their situation. Tedcrag and Gulliman ate out of the garbage, since they now lacked food supplies of their own. Fully realizing that the disastrous events that had transpired earlier was the clear fault of their lack of planning, they resolved to actually make a plan for this Pyramid Heist. They needed to first figure out which of the three pyramids the VI was located in, then sneak in and plant it, and finally escape.

How would they accomplish this? Well, for possibly the first time in the entire two-season campaign, they started planning ahead. They had a distinct lack of resources, the only weapons being Gralak’s sword and Gulliman’s rifle, which had but one shot left.

Thankfully, Gulliman and Gralak still had their trinkets. Gulliman was in fact able to access the VI from the beginning of Season 2, and used its geo-caching feature to locate the approximate location of the VI in the capital. By circling the pyramids, they were able to determine which one it is based on distance alone. They could see all three were very well-guarded, at all times of day.

During their scouting mission, Tedcrag and Gralak fell into an all-too familiar trance.

**Histoire 2 Chapitre 2: Enfant de Téléphone Portable**

Vaincus, les Français se vautraient de douleur au sol. Ils se sont rendus à plusieurs reprises, comme le font tous les Français. Nom de la personne demandée, Pierre. "Jean Pierre Polnareff?" Gralak a demandé et lui a tiré une balle dans la tête. Mais, il y avait un autre soldat nommé Pierre. "Le frère jumeau de Jean Pierre Polnareff ?!" Demanda Gralak incrédule, lui tirant également dessus.

Ils ont été horrifiés par une armée de Polnareff à Paris. Un type nommé Hank s'est présenté et propose de lui apporter avec son énorme hélicoptère. Jack et Beecher se saisissent de la chanson et volèrent vers Paris. Mais en chemin, il a commencé à pleuvoir du sel. Ils ont tous été salés par le sel et ont commencé à saigner...

**Fin**

They woke up in a daze, feeling salty. Gulliman woke up from a nap he was taking while they were in a trance, and the group resumed their planning.

Having already solved the first part of the plan, now they just needed the practical method of getting in and out. Being a human, dragon, and dwarf in a land of elves, they stuck out like a sore thumb in daylight, so they figured the best bet would be to sneak in at night. Tedcrag, having a brain blast moment, thought they could use the sewer tunnels to bypass the gates surrounding the pyramids, emerge inside the walls, and get inside that way. They could use it to both enter and escape.

In the evening, they found a manhole cover. They began lifting it, but it was very heavy; Tedcrag nicked his fingers in the process, but they succeeded by working together. But just as they had lifted it up, an elf came over investigating. The LBG were prepared to either fight or run, but then the elf stepped into the light, and Gulliman immediately recognized him as Orillio, his old elven mentor. Orillio asked them what they were doing, to which Tedcrag made up some lie about being Gralak’s slave and cleaning sewers near his place of business. While Orillio didn’t buy it, he nevertheless offered the three of them to spend the night at his house.

They accepted. Orillio sat them down and had a heart-to-heart with Gulliman. Gulliman explained his rough history with Horace, and started badmouthing him in front of Orillio’s face. Orillio did not take too kindly to this, and Gulliman changed the subject. He used a cover story that he had turned to a life of being a pirate over the years, stealing and pillaging; they were going into the sewers to rob somebody. Orillio was naturally very disappointed in his former pupil, and decided that the next day, he would help Gulliman turn his life around. But before that, he had business in the palace to attend to tonight, and left them be, with only them and the maid left at the house.

After excusing the maid, the LBG made their plans. Gralak and Tedcrag wanted to go back to the sewers and resume their plan, but Gulliman was conflicted. He wanted to a wait a night, since the palace was so close to the pyramids and he didn’t want his master to be caught in the blast.

With still many parts of their plan unknown, time froze for about a week, as it does in this world from time to time. When it resumes, they would continue their plan and execute it, and the results would be… well, you’ll see.

## Episode LI: The Gang Starts a World War

Since Episodes 29 and 30 were in fact one single session, this is the official fiftieth session of D&D. How far we’ve come. Brace yourself for the next installment in the story of how three simple mercenaries slowly devolved into infamous war criminals. The Hero’s journey monomyth? Fuck that, we’re going to be supervillains by the end of all this.

The LBG resumed their planning. Despite there still being a few unknown factors, they agreed to head back into the sewers around 11pm. First things first, they scoured the house for some supplies. Tedcrag found a dagger, Gralak found some candles, and Gulliman found some rope.

Later, Orillio returned from his business. He and Gulliman briefly talked a bit, Gulliman asking about finding a magic trinket for Tedcrag. Orillio declined to answer, but offered to sail away with the three of them the following evening. They said they would consider it, and Orillio went to bed, bidding Gulliman good night. As Orillio walked away, a part of Gulliman wanted to stop him, to tell him the truth of everything, to beg for his help and his forgiveness. But that part of Gulliman was overpowered by his commitments to the LBG, and so, once Orillio was fast asleep, the plan was in motion.

The LBG snuck out and found a sewer entrance in a corner where they could check for guards coming. After lifting the cover, they secured a rope and lowered themselves down. Naturally, they were immediately greeted by the horrifying stench of shit. Gulliman puked. Gralak played 4D Chess and used his walk on water spell, while the other two waded through shit. They made their way through towards the pyramids, Gulliman marking the way with chalk or something idk.

Once they had made it below the pyramid boulevard, it seemed some magical protection disabled all magic, as Gulliman’s dark-vision spell stopped working, as did Gralak’s walk on water spell. He promptly fell face-first into shit; it turns out he’d been playing 1D Candyland all along. Gralak immediately vomited, and they progressed further in. They eventually found what they believed was a good location to surface. They threw the rope up and locked it in, and Gulliman took the initiative, climbing up and raising the manhole cover.

They all surfaced; they were in the boulevard surrounding the pyramids. They were well-hidden, thankfully, but pretty far from the pyramids themselves. They went back in to find another manhole closer to the pyramid they wanted. While down below, Gulliman raised some concerns about the details of what they were doing.

*Sewer Court Case Files: Robute v Ted Exhibit A: The Fate of Orillio*

Gulliman was concerned that the palace would be caught in the explosion. Tedcrag adamantly argued that since Prahringerr had made them specify which pyramid they needed to put it in, the explosion logically couldn’t go that far. Gulliman correctly retorted that Tedcrag had no way of knowing for sure, and the two went back-and-forth like that for a while. Gralak resolved that if Orillio in the palace was caught inside the blast, he would allow Gulliman to cut his balls off.

Thanks to a little divine intervention, the group remembered that Orillio was in fact not inside the palace at all but was snoozing back at his home, rendering this case a non-issue.

*Sewer Court Case Files: Robute v Ted Exhibit B: The Escape Plan*

There was still another order of business to attend to. Once they planted the bomb, what would they do? A key concern of Gulliman’s was that he didn’t want to implicate Orillio, so Tedcrag suggested they immediately flee to the docks and take a ship in the night. Gulliman had another idea, that they would head back to Orillio’s for the night and leave with him the next day. Tedcrag argued that Orillio would only be implicated if they did that. He also pointed out that the elves had a habit of slaughtering all non-elves in cases like this, so the LBG would be safest just booking it to the docks.

A parallel that was on everybody’s mind came up here - Olgierd. Olgierd too, was an old friend of one of theirs who found them right before they committed some heinous crimes in a capital city, offered them hospitality, and even had a name starting with “O”. Gulliman did not want Orillio’s fate to go the way of Olgierd, hunting down the LBG in a mad pursuit of vengeance. Olgierd’s very name deeply triggered Tedcrag, but Gulliman kept prodding.

Tedcrag then made a heartfelt speech about how he knew exactly what Gulliman was going through because of the Olgierd parallels. Gulliman didn’t want to further disappoint his father figure, but Tedcrag argued that staying at Orillio’s house would implicate him in their crimes, which would be a far worse outcome than having Orillio be ashamed of him.

Gulliman eventually conceded, and they emerged from the sewers with a newfound resolve. The Pyramid Heist had officially begun. The exit they had picked was very close to the pyramid, but they couldn’t see an entrance so they would have to sneak around.

First, they needed to make it those several yards to the columns so that they could be concealed. They snuck through one-by-one. Gulliman and Tedcrag made it to the columns, and Gralak was last. He started making his way across, but tripped over himself and dropped his sword. The sword made an annoying clanging sound, and guards who had been patrolling nearby came and investigated.

“Halt! Who goes there?” one of them yelled.

Gralak could see Tedcrag and Gulliman in the shadows, facepalming. Panicking, Gralak figured his only recourse was to play dumb. “Is this the palace?” he asked. “Am I lost?” He sheathed his weapon to feign innocence

“Oh, you are definitely lost,” one guard said as they got closer to him still. Gralak continued, asking: “Can you help me out?”

“Yeah, we’ll help you out alright,” the guard said sarcastically. Gralak took this in completely the wrong way, thinking the guard was being genuinely helpful, but his assertions were proven incorrect seconds later. Another guard tackled him to the ground from behind. Gralak was forced into a kneeling position, and promptly decapitated.

His head rolled forward and forward, and kept rolling until it hit Gulliman’s foot. Gralak was dead, and Tedcrag and Gulliman had just been noticed as well. Guards started running towards them, swords drawn. Tedcrag and Gulliman looked to each other, and nodded.

“*Are we lost?*” they both yelled out in unison. Their surprising choreography made all the guards pause. The guards all stared at each other, with bewildered looks. “Wait, are they actually lost?” one said. The one who had decapitated Gralak walked up to the two of them, sword still drawn, and asked them several questions.

“Who are you?”

“Tim Hiddle,” Gulliman replied. “Banjo Tooie,” Tedcrag replied.

“How did you get here?”

Gulliman shrugged. “The front door was open, I think.”

“Why are you here?”

Tedcrag answered. “We are tourists from the college of Zanko, who really wanted to visit the royal palaces of all the major countries for our research. The nation of the elves was one of our final stops.” He looked down at Gralak’s head. “Kakyoin here was our companion, and you cut off his head... Are you going to do that to us?”

The guard stopped for a moment, looking back at Gralak’s body. “Huh… he did mention he was lost and looking for the palace. This is highly irregular, so we’ll need to fact-check this. If you’re lying, we’ll have your heads. But if you’re telling the truth, allow me to apologize for executing your friend.”

Gulliman shrugged. “It’s okay, I never really liked him that much anyway.”

“Last question: what’s that smell?” the guard reflexively covered his nose at the smell of vile sewer sludge.

Tedcrag laughed. “Hiddle here ate too much spicy food again. We sometimes call him Tim Shittles back at the college.”

The guard didn't so much as laugh, and so the guard led the two into the palace. In the opening room was a lobby with a front desk, and the elf there asked a few questions to which the guard explained everything they had told him.

“Tourists… from the college of Zanko?” the elf flipped through a logbook. “I see nothing of the sort here.”

Gulliman thought fast, and said: “It was a last-minute appointment.”

“... *right*. From a college all the way in Pernimius, performed by a dragon and a dwarf… after midnight. Can we see some proof or something?”

Tedcrag and Gulliman looked at each other. Their cover was about to be blown; they had to come up with something. Tedcrag then had an idea. “Uh… I think Kakyoin had the documents on his body,” he said.

Annoyed, the guard went back to check, but found no such thing. He did find something else, though. When he returned, Tedcrag and Gulliman were nowhere to be found.

“The fucker had candles on him!” the guard yelled, out of breath. “Sound the alarm!”

The receptionist elf immediately stood up, now looking wide awake. “Candles in our boulevard? Code red, everybody, code red!” He hit an alarm that was labeled *CANDLE BUTTON*.

Dozens of guards started streaming into the boulevard from various gates and entrances.

“What’s going on?” one of the rookie guards asked his partner as he was running inside.

“Haven’t you heard? There’s only one thing worse than intruders entering the sacred boulevard -- candles.”

“... candles? What's wrong with that?"

“You don’t know?” he asked, giving his partner a concerned look. “I thought everybody knew. It’s an ancient wartime tradition. If someone brings candles inside your boulevard, it’s a full-on declaration of war. We have to deal with whoever brought these candles. Apparently the one holding them is dead, but he had two accomplices, a dragon and a dwarf.”

“Well then, let’s go deal with them.”

The guards looked everywhere, searched the boulevard high and low, but Tedcrag and Gulliman were already long gone. They had booked it inside the sewers and were going to make a break for the docks. They would mourn Gralak later.

Back in the palace, the original guard was talking to the receptionist.

“Where did they go?” the guard barked, startling the receptionist. “Those fuckers have declared war on our country. They can’t leave with their lives.”

“They said they would get some new papers and come back tomorrow," he answered. “I didn’t know they had candles, I’m so sorry!” the receptionist apologized repeatedly.

The guard sighed. “It’s okay, I never would have expected candles, either. Wait, what’s that there?” the guard asked, pointing to something in the receptionist’s hand.

“Oh, this?” he raised it up. It was a little metal cylinder that was glowing red. “It’s a little Hydraconian knick-knack that makes weird noises. The dragon said something to it, and it started glowing and pulsing. Apparently it’s a good luck charm; he gave it to me as an apology for wasting our time.”

“Damn Hydraconian devils and their weird customs,” the guard rolled his eyes and left, resuming the search.

At this point, Tedcrag and Gulliman had already commandeered a boat and sailed away.

“We’ll remember you, Gralak,” Tedcrag said as the two had a brief vigil for their fallen friend. “We couldn’t save you from your own stupidity………….. hey, Gulliman, you still want to do that beach episode with Nesi?”

“Sure!” Gulliman agreed, grinning ear to ear. The two sailed off to Pernimius have a delightful vacation on the beach with Gralak’s widow. Minutes later, there was a bright white light that emanated from the palace, and an ear-shattering explosion devastated the elven capital.

Down in Super Hell, a certain pissed-off human was having none of that shit. “Fuck *that*,” ~~Kakyoin~~ Gralak said, immediately following it with “Not today!”

And so time reverted once more, back to when they were sneaking their way to the pyramid. This time, Gralak didn’t trip, and they all made it to the cover of the columns. The group continued making their way around the pyramid’s exterior, before finally arriving on the side with an actual entrance. They could see the entrances of the other pyramids as well, with a garden in the center of them.

They crept closer still to the door, but two guards were blocking the entrance, and there was no way to sneak past them. Short on resources, Tedcrag had a brilliant idea -- he would light one of Gralak’s candles and throw it into the garden, hopefully attracting the guard’s attention. He did just that, but his first throw missed and fell into the water surrounding the garden. Thankfully, no one noticed it, so he threw another. This one landed perfectly in the center of the garden.

“Did you see that?” the guard closest to the LBG said. “I’m going to check it out.” And he started walking towards it. The LBG saw their window and tip-toed their way inside. In disbelief that his stupid candle idea had worked, Tedcrag wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth as they entered inside the pyramid proper.

Inside, it was like a giant pyramid-shaped greenhouse. There were plants from all over the world. They recognized some from Hydraco, Mariven, Senten, and plenty of ones they hadn’t ever seen before. Even a couple ones with mouths. “Are you sure this is the right pyramid?” Gralak asked.

But they were all pretty sure based on their previous investigation that this was the right pyramid. Looking around further, they found strange statues, including a goblin, a Balrog, a large spider, an even bigger spider resembling Spiderbro, a T-rex, and a really big fish. Finally, Gralak came upon a large obsidian column with an angelic figure above it.

“This must be the VI,” he surmised. Tedcrag found a nearby bush that could conceal things well, and he pulled out the device. He whispered “Kulichi” to it and it started to react. The box opened up, and inside was a strange cylinder that was pulsing and glowing red. They now had half an hour to book it back to the sewers and then to the docks. He hid it in the bush and the three made their way back to the entrance.

*Two minutes ago, in the boulevard’s central garden…*

The guard who had gone to investigate the light in the garden got close to it, then let out a sharp gasp. The other guards nearby asked him what was going on, but then they too saw it.

“A candle in the boulevard!” One of them shrieked loud enough that everyone could hear. “Someone's declared war!" One of the golden-armored guards who appeared to be in charge walked over to the panicking lot, fierce determination in his eyes. He grabbed the one who had first spotted it and slapped him to calm him down.

“Alert all the off-duty guards. No one gets out of this boulevard alive. *Shut. Down. Everything.*” He ordered all of them, and they all complied. Dozens of guards started streaming in through the gates. A curious guard thought he saw something shining in the water, and he dipped his hand inside to grab it.

“Sir!” he yelled to the commander. “There’s another candle! This one was in the water!”

“In the water?” the commander was stunned for a moment, then collected himself. “Dear god, they’re going to attack by sea! Inform the navy and all the fleets, we’re going to war!”

Back in the present, the LBG looked outside the entrance to see that dozens of guards were now in the courtyard. They were surveying the area in large groups, clearly searching for intruders. Plus, the entrance was now blocked again by two guards. Getting back to the manhole wasn’t going to be easy.

Thankfully, Gulliman had found some rocks inside the pyramid. He handed them to Tedcrag, who chucked them outside toward a tree. The two guards at the door went to investigate, and once again, the LBG saw their opportunity and sneaked around the corner. They began once again sneaking from column to column trying to get back to the manhole, only this time there were way more guards.

To make matters worse, the two guards noticed the rocks were probably a diversion and headed back in the opposite direction, towards the LBG. They were getting dangerously close, but the LBG was somehow barely avoiding detection. That is, until Gralak was spotted. Without warning, he felt intense pain as an obsidian sword plunged itself through his chest.

“He’s over here!” the guards yelled. Tedcrag and Gulliman looked back at Gralak getting swarmed by guards, and couldn’t help but feel a sense of déjà vu, though they didn’t know why.

“Wait!” Gralak said, spitting blood. “Please, before you kill me… let me say one last thing.”

For some reason, perhaps because they had nothing to lose, the elves decided to listen. Gralak, despite massive blood loss, stayed alive, giving a dramatic speech to all the elves nearby about the dangers of war and xenophobia, and how everyone should love thy neighbor and get along. His speech inspired all of them, and many sat down to listen, including Tedcrag and Gulliman. After about twenty-five minutes of his preaching, one of the younger elves piped up.

“Prophet Gralak, I’m so sorry we stabbed you,” he said, tears in his eyes. “You are a true visionary. I hope your vision of peace changes the world. In time, I know it will! We will spread your message!”

Gralak, feeling that he only had seconds left before dying, gave a faint smile and looked back at the elf who had spoken. “I’m sure it will, young pupil, I’m sure it will someday… but not today.”

As he said that, there was a bright white light and a deafening noise. Somehow, Gralak had perfectly timed his speech to the bomb’s explosion. Without even thinking about it, he had just happened to end his speech on those two words. And as everything suddenly grew red hot and everyone started instantly melting, time reverted yet again.

Time resumed as the group was continuing their Dishonored mission of avoiding detection to get the Ghost achievement. They turned the final corner towards it and started getting close to the manhole, but another large group of guards was getting very close to them. And this time, it was Tedcrag’s turn to make a mistake.

Tedcrag rolled a 2, so he slipped and fell, his metal hand hitting the ground. He was caught and forced to use inspiration, but I’m not going to make an alternate reality out of this one…... because of what happens next. This time Tedcrag rolled a 1. He slipped, but this time careened sideways into the wall, hitting his head on a brick. The brick in question was slightly out-of-place, and Tedcrag’s head actually inserted it inwards perfectly. Almost as if he was pressing a button.

As Tedcrag reeled back on the ground in pain, something straight out of Scooby-Doo happened, as the wall and floor around it rotated inward after Tedcrag had pressed the secret brick button. Before Gralak and Gulliman even had time to turn around, Tedcrag was nowhere to be found.

“Zoinks, Gull!” Graggy said as the guards noticed the two of them standing next to where they had heard the noise. Gulliman could only give out a “ruh roh” as the other guards seized them.

Meanwhile, inside the pyramid, Tedcrag found himself back inside the pyramid. This time he was in a secret compartment, as if he was in between the inner and outer walls. It was pitch black.

Tedcrag heard some horrifying clicking sounds and the pitter-patter of feet. He heard strange voices, but they didn’t match any language he had ever heard of. All he knew was that something was trying to communicate with him. After several seconds, a single light appeared in front of him on the ground, slowly creeping towards him.

When it got close enough, Tedcrag realized it was a magical trinket. Recognizing it, he picked it up, then let out a surprised yelp as dozens of spiders fell off of it. Tedcrag shook some more off and put the trinket on. Although he didn’t know any spells that let him understand foreign languages... well, except for understanding animal species. It was worth a shot, he supposed. He cast the Speak with Animals spell.

“*...y o u… h a v e… c o m e...*” a chorus of unearthly voices appeared.

A series of lights started turning on, and the room revealed itself. It was a bigger area than he had imagined. Tedcrag had another yell of shock as he saw millions of spiders scurrying about around him. The walls and ceiling were completely covered in a maze of webs.

“*T h e... s a v i o r... h a s... c o m e...*” another chorus rang. Hundreds of them were probably saying it at once.

Tedcrag was extremely confused. “What do you want with me?”

From the ceiling, a spider many times larger than the rest (about half of Tedcrag’s size, in fact), lowered itself from a web. This one had a much deeper and consistent voice, one that didn’t require typing with a space between each letter.

“*You are Tedcrag, son of Iorveth, dragon born of Hydraco, are you not?*”

Tedcrag, still in shock, and possibly suffering from a concussion from hitting the brick a minute ago, could only nod.

“*We are but children descended from the god spiders. The god spiders are our masters, but only one remains…*”

“Okay?” Tedcrag was still very bewildered. “What does this have to do with me?”

“*You, Tedcrag, are the prophecized savior of spiders who will lead our species into a new age of conquest.*”

“Me? Why am I your savior?”

A group of smaller spiders made their way into Tedcrag’s pockets, pulling out a book. It was none other than the spider book that Tedcrag had been carrying around for literally 45 episodes.

“*This here… this is our sacred text. Have you ever actually read it, Tedcrag?*”

“I, uh, skimmed it,” Tedcrag admitted, ashamed of himself.

The large spider took the book, and turned to the last page. On it was a drawing, of a gigantic Spider King sitting atop a massive throne, with a dragon that looked oddly like Tedcrag at its side. Tedcrag recognized the spider king immediately.

“Spiderbro from the coliseum!” Tedcrag finally made the obvious realization.

“*Yes… the Spider King… the last of the god spiders… he was encaged by the filthy lesser species. You bested him in battle, Tedcrag. And then you set him free. This was all as prophecized, and we have not forgotten this. As soon as you freed him, the Spider King followed you for a time, wishing to thank you personally. But he never had a chance to talk to you alone, your dwarf and human friends made sure of that. You then went off into a strange area where he could not follow, and so he left to continue his mission.*”

Tedcrag took a minute to process all this. “So... I freed the Spider King who is your god, and he wanted to thank me but couldn’t. So what was his mission?”

“*The Spider King went back to his home planet to rally his armies. We’ve had smaller spiders follow you in your adventures ever since. Say, do you remember what that first VI revealed to you after you defeated that first lich?*”

Tedcrag thought. It had been a while. Perhaps from the pain in his head, he couldn’t quite think straight, so the spider answered for him.

“*How your ancient civilizations had been destroyed by extraterrestrial beings. Well, that was us. We’re preparing for another attack as we speak, and this time there will be no survivors. We will enslave all humans, dwarves, dragons, elves, and other species. Although you, of course, will be spared.*”

Tedcrag did not like where this was going at all. “You can’t do that, I like some of the people here! Plus, the world’s leaders aren’t going to stand by and let you kill their people!”

“*Oh, are they?*” the spider laughed, if you can even imagine what that would sound like. “*Let me prove you wrong. Emperor of the elves, come forth!*”

A swarm of spiders in the corner started rising and taking shape, piling on top of each other until they had taken the shape of an elf. They grabbed some clothes and... skin... out of some boxes. After a few seconds, they had merged together into a very convincing image, that of the elf emperor himself. Tedcrag remembered him from Gralak’s disguise many months ago.

“*All of the world’s leaders… aren’t actually who you think they are. We have invaded all the governments and assumed their positions of power. The elf emperor, the king of the twin cities, even your old friend Prahringerr… they are not as they appear, but are in fact all spies for the Spider Empire.*”

Tedcrag refused to hear another word. The Spider King was going to return and lay waste to the world, and it was all his fault for freeing him. He had to get out of here and expose this global conspiracy, so he quickly gripped his dagger and stabbed the large spider who had been talking to him.

The spider did not react or seem to be in any pain. “*… so that's how it is. It’s a shame you won’t be able to witness our grand future.*”

Just outside, Gralak and Gulliman were being brutally interrogated by the elves, when all of a sudden the Scooby Doo contraption turned once again, revealing an unharmed Tedcrag.

Gulliman and Gralak were perplexed, as Tedcrag stepped forward and effortlessly dealt with all of the guards, cutting them down with his sword.

“Where’d you get that sword?” Gralak asked as the last guard fell. “And what the hell happened in there?”

“Oh, nothing too exciting. Found this cool sword,” Tedcrag said, smiling. “Come on, let’s get out of here, time is short.”

The LBG went back to the sewers and started making their way back. But along the way, Gulliman noticed something.

“Tedcrag… did your hand grow back?”

All three turned and looked at Tedcrag’s once-severed hand, which was supposed to be metal, but was in fact flesh.

“Shit,” Tedcrag said. “I guess you got me there.”

Suddenly, Tedcrag disintegrated as the facade collapsed and spiders started scurrying through the sewers towards Gralak and Gulliman.

“Why is Tedcrag made of spiders?!” Gralak yelled out in disbelief, frantically running in the opposite direction.

Gulliman held his ground and tried to fight off the spiders, but there were too many. He could feel himself being spun into a web. Something must have happened to the real Tedcrag inside that compartment. In fact, the real Tedcrag was probably dead. Gulliman only had one recourse left to him, and so he said: “Not today.”

Time rewound. The grand spider conspiracy would continue to remain a secret to the world, but at least now Tedcrag and the others would survive. This time, Tedcrag never entered the secret compartment, in fact he didn’t even trip at all, and all three made it successfully to the manhole.

[I think I went overboard with the alternate universes this time around, I'll probably dial it back next time lmao]

With guards closing in from all sides, the LBG quickly but quietly raised the manhole, climbed back into the sewers, and closed the manhole behind them. Gralak waited a few seconds and listened to footsteps, but it seems they hadn’t been noticed. Now in the clear, the three made their way back through the sewers. The Pyramid Heist was a success, and it was time to get the fuck out of the country.

They exited from the sewers when they were clear outside the boulevard and in the noble district, then the three stinky boys booked it all the way to the docks. They made it to the docks successfully, but then some unknown force knocked them all onto their stomachs. There was a bright white light…

In the city, Vulen was enjoying a late night at the bar with some fellow elf soldiers, enjoying a cold one with the bois. Wanting to take a breath of fresh air, he stepped outside to get a nighttime view of the majestic pyramids. He wondered if Gralak and the others were okay. Then, from one of the pyramids came a bright white light…

Orillio tossed and turned in his bed, unable to sleep. He was thinking about the days to come. His pupil Gulliman had returned to him, but had fallen on hard times and lost his way in life. Orillio resolved that come the morning, he would get Gulliman back on the right path and away from a life of crime. Feeling optimistic about the future, he closed his eyes and started drifting asleep to those thoughts, until his eyes bolted open, as a bright white light filled the room...

In the city morgue, two examiners were dealing with corpses, as you do in a morgue.

“So many elves lost their lives in that awful explosion,” one of them said. “What could even cause such a thing?”

“Probably some Hydraconian terrorists… maybe it had something to do with that one over there.” In the row of elf corpses, there was one dragon among them. They walked over to the corpse, and perhaps out of curiosity, one reached for his heart, and noticed something.

“Wait… he still has a pulse!”

And so they performed dragon CPR on him, and the dragon spit out a ton of water from his lungs and started coughing uncontrollably.

“He’s alive! I can’t believe it!” one examiner said in shock and awe. “What an absolute legend,” the other chimed in.

The dragon, still feeling very weak, sat up a bit, and looked outside the window.

“Where… am I?” he asked in a daze.

“You’re in the capital. You’re alive, but you’re going to have a lot to answer for.”

The dragon looked outside the window at the night sky. He could see the pyramids in the distance, and remembered his mission. All he could recall from before was a flash of red and getting forcibly thrown into the water. He needed to get out of here and find the others, get back to his family, and be a hero for his country.

But then, a bright white light shined at him through the window...

On the docks, the LBG heard an ear-piercing boom and all three of them were knocked prone onto the ground. A large gust of wind overpowered them as they lay there helpless.

When they could finally stand back up, they turned around and saw a horrific sight. The entire capital was engulfed in flames, and the explosion had formed a mushroom-shaped cloud. There was devastation that stretched far, *far* beyond the reaches of the pyramids. The death toll was likely the vast majority of the populace. After all, every corner of the city was either on fire or in a smoking ruin, and all three pyramids had been reduced to rubble.

In too much shock to actually register the affects of what they had done, the LBG pressed on and commandeered an empty fishing vessel and started sailing away. Gulliman realized Orillio’s fate, and collapsed to his knees. Gralak put his hands on Gulliman’s shoulder, saying rather insensitively that “You should take solace in the fact that the explosion trigger functioned perfectly.”

They kept sailing away, again in too much shock to really process everything. First, they needed to decide what the hell they were going to do. They *wanted* to go back and get their long-awaited beach episode, but they also thought going back to Prahringerr to get a reward (and some answers) was probably a good idea. But man, Prahringerr had really screwed them over. While they didn’t know what the bomb had been capable of, they had still slaughtered an entire city. And they didn’t even need have a rushed descent into madness in order to do it.

And so our three genocidal maniacs kept on sailing. Who knows what their death count will be at the end of all this, but we know it will be a very, very high number for certain. Until next time!

**Addendum**

It was later decided that, after such an explosive finale, that this episode would mark the finale of Season 2. However, this time the LBG will jump straight into season 3 instead of waiting for a few months. Stay tuned for Season 3: Civil War!