St. John's Mariners

The **St. John's Mariners** are an Original Six Teams in the Farm Games. They were a part of the first two teams brought into the Farm Games, alongside eternal rivals the Calgary Jailbirds. The team was initially formed by D'Arcy McGibbons in 1896. They are widely considered to be the greatest Farm Games organization of all time by most Farm Games Professors. The St. John's Mariners are the heart and soul of the Farm Games institution, and an integral part of Canadian history.

> "The St. John's Mariners are my favourite team" - Paul Denley
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The Mariners are the most popular team in the league, alongside the Calgary Jailbirds and Halifax Walrus. Everybody loves them, except for Jailbirds fans, who are often seen as the "devils" of the Farm Games due to their dastardly deeds (hate crimes). The Mariners have also won the most Denley Cups in league history, so they are definitively the greatest team of all time. Their blue and green colours are synonymous with the passion, integrity and good Christian values of the Farm Games association. The team was well known for supporting the American Civil Rights Movement in the 1960's, gay marriage in Canada, and sending millions of dollars to the State of Israel since 1996, when Binge Dobsby served as the team president.

They are currently coached by Bundy Bill, and former player Rick Daines serves as the General Manager. Top defenceman Sean Thompson captains the team. The organization is currently owned by "Busy" Bob Cobert, with Sailor Jack as the team president. The Mariners were well known in the 70's for their lavish presentation, in large part due to their extravagant president Jeff Speed.

The team was presented as the heroes of the film Running the Denley.

## Roster

**Center**

* Jake Kustec (A)
* Jake Lisser
* Jamie Thompson
* Michael Arch
* Robert Zymczyz

**Right Wing**

* Young Hockey
* Kyle Fraser
* Alessio Martinesi
* Mikey Boofer

**Left Wing**

* Black Dynamite
* Adrien Pillette
* Beau Drover
* Ivan Chinaski

**Defence**

* Sean Thompson (C)
* Kev Burgess (A)
* Sam Vance
* Dark D'Ailly
* Taaseen Haider
* Greg Pheasant
* Will Vernon

**Goaltenders**

* Jackson Stallion
* Chenny Dofus

## History

### The Bucksy Billiards Era: 1980-1985

After the death of Jonfrey Halliday, Bucksy Billiards came into sole ownership of the Mariners organization. Billiards and Jeff Speed didn't get along almost immediately, with Billiards having referred to Speed as "nothing more than a rogue beatnik, and a total faggot at that". Speed said of Bucksy in 1992:

> "[Billiards] is a real crap-tarded shoe salesman of an owner. A disgrace to the Farm Games and the name of the Denley. Back in 1980, when he took my team from me, my glory, my horny, my love, I was convinced he was the anti-christ... one night, I awoke in my bedroom and took my gun from my nightstand, and I thought for just a moment that maybe I could go kill the bastard... kill the bastard and get my team back... somedays I wish I did, I'll tell you that much. God help us. God save us if a man like Bucksy Billiards can exist. God save us."
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Speed was dismissed from his duties as team president before the beginning of the 1980 campaign, and Billiards took over this role himself. Billiards was no fan of hockey, calling it a "sport for dogs", although he admitted he enjoyed watching the underclassmen brawl for scraps on the ice. Billiards was well known for flicking his cigar butts at players after calling them into his office. He would also employ strange, draconian, almost low-level manager type tactics on his players, accusing them of "stealing from registers" and "not writing down their hours", putting up passive aggressive notes in the locker room and on fridges.

At the end of the 1980 season, after the Mariners failed to make it passed the first round of the playoffs, Billiards supposedly threw a tantrum at a meeting and was red in the face and crying, complaining about the lack of a Denley Cup, whining that he wanted his Denley NOW. Billiards forced General Manager Coates Stanley to fire head coach Booker Mansfield, who was replaced with Jackie Conehead for the 1981 campaign. Stanley attempted to keep the team afloat for the season, but the micromanaging of Billiards resulted in poor trades and a lack of synergy between the management, especially since Jackie Conehead operated on a completely different system than Stanley and was illiterate. By the end of the 1981 campaign, after the Mariners missed the playoffs and incurred the wrath of Bucksy, Coates Stanley quit as general manager and set out west.

Billiards hired his friend and a manager at one of his casino's, "Black Eye" Tony Preston, to take over as the general manager. Tony ran things cheaply, but failed to secure playoff spots and had similar troubles with trading due to his inexperience and Billiards' micromanaging. This eventually got him and Jackie Conehead fired in 1983, replaced by F. Lloyd Mantible, a no-nonsense GM with strict rules, and Julios Montenegro Del Paulo, a pallid young coach fresh out of a Farm Games Compound in Newfoundland. It was during this time that Billiards attempted to use the arena as a swimming pool during the day, planning to turn it back into an ice rink every night before the game. This was also when he disallowed poor people from attending games, claiming they stunk up the place.

Mantible ran a tight ship for the next few seasons, but was eventually ousted by a player mutiny, causing him to be replaced by long-time Recruiter Jean Jose Mantilo in 1985. The Labrador Colosseum was in dire need of repairs, but Bucksy refused to do them because construction was all bullshit anyway. Apparently, federal agents came and inspected the building and told Bucksy he had to repair the building or else he would go to jail or be fined or whatever, but Bucksy pulled out his gun and scared the guys away.

At the end of the 1985 campaign, after not making the playoffs again, Bucksy got so upset that he went into cardiac arrest. This lead to him deciding that hockey was too stressful, so he resigned as president and decided to return to just being the owner. He hired Binge Dobsby, a hockey man from Windsor, Newfoundland who had long wished to be a part of the Mariners organization, but was blocked by Billiards because he thought Dobsby "wasn't cut out for it quite like [Billiards] was", as the new team president. Bucksy then flew away on his helicopter, and disappeared from the public eye for several years.