Effrijim Chapter 1

## **Chapter 1**

We start our story, which is being told in first-person perspective by someone who is currently shaped like a Newfoundland dog...or, to quote the story, *“my most magnificent form to date...that of an extremely handsome, debonair, and utterly fabulous Newfie.” The speaker is conversing with “my demon lord,”* a woman named Aisling Grey.

And right off the bat the reader is confused and bewildered. See, most readers who read the phrase “demon lord” are going to picture something like this:

That's not the case here. I happen to know from the other spork that, in this series a demon lord is essentially someone who can control a demon. However, this information is not given anywhere in *this* short story, so the reader is left wondering if Aisling is a powerful hellspawn, or if “demon lord” means something different than it should. So there's out first drink. \~/

We're told that Aisling is *“a kinda clueless Guardian,”* which is such a generic title as to be utterly meaningless. \~/ Apparently she and Drake (husband? Boyfriend? Pet duck?) are taking a vacation on Drake's yacht and leaving our nameless Newfoundland protagonist behind. Drake wanders by, commenting that *“It's not too late to send it to Akasha,”* and referring to Newfie as a demon.

Newfie offers a brief infodump to the effect that Drake is *“a wyvern, a leader of a group of dragons who marched around the earth in human form.”* Again, naming fail. Most people who know anything about fantasy, when they read the word “wyvern,” are going to picture this:

Oddly enough, in view of the “demon lord” confusion, a perfectly appropriate replacement for “wyvern” would be “dragon lord.” Poof, done. Oh well.

Also, does that sentence indicate that *Drake* marches around the earth in human form, or the group of dragons he leads do so?

There's some banter where Aisling ticks off rules for Newfie, and Newfie complains that sending him to Akasha would be cruel, especially after he helped in some way involving *“the birthing of the spawn.”* Oh yeah, Drake was carrying two baby carriers. We learn that Newfie has to assume human form to help out, and that *“ 'You should have seen the size of my package in human form. It lacked, babe. It just lacked.' "*

**Genital Count: 1 \~/**

Aisling orders Newfie not to tell her anything about his genitals, and I'm not taking a drink because I agree with her 100%. Newfie's response...well, here it is:

*“Sheesh, Ash, loosen up a bit. I didn't go into actual measurements or set up a website devoted to it.”*

Genital Count: 2 \~/ Yes, I'm counting it. Also, \~/ since I think that was supposed to be funny.

We learn that Newfie's actual name is Jim (presumably short for Effrijim, if the title is anything to go by), and that he's over a thousand years old. And yet he acts like a spoiled teenage boy. There's some more non-humor \~/ and we learn that Aisling has formally given someone named Anastasia the right to command Jim in her absence, and that Anastasia has an apprentice named Buttercup who seems to dislike Jim. Can't imagine why.

There's a pointless reference to a British tabloid, *“the one with the girls flaunting their bare boobies,”* \~/ and we learn that Jim wants to go to Paris to be with *“my darling Cecile.”* Aisling clumsily states that *“Cecile is a Welsh Corgi. She can survive the nights without you.”*

So. . .a thousand-year-old demon in the shape of a Newfoundland has the hots for a Welsh Corgi?

No thank you. \~/

Aisling once again threatens Jim with*”the Akasha,”* and Jim helpfully gives us an infodump on the Akasha: *“There's no way out of the Akasha unless you're summoned or get special dispensation from the Sovereign.”*

If Aisling is a “demon lord,” shouldn't she already know this?

*“...it's hell, Aisling, it's really hell. Worse, 'cause Abaddon ain't that bad once you figure out how to avoid the torture seminars. But the Akasha? Brrr. Bad mojo all around.”*

So the Akasha is worse than hell? O...kay.

Jim refers to Cecile again, *“she of the tailless butt and oh-so-suckable ears,”* \~/\~/ which is an image I didn't need. Jim has a doggy backpack (why not a regular one, given that he can assume human form? Seems like it would be a lot easier) which contains, among other things, *“a two-week supply of* Welsh Corgi Fanciers *for when Cecile is napping.”*

Demon dog porno magazines. \~/

Anyway, Aisling and Drake finally leave and Anastasia and Buttercup show up for Jim. Anastasia turns out to be a rather vague old lady, and Buttercup is given no description whatsoever. Oh, wait; Jim thinks she has beady eyes. Buttercup is openly hostile towards Jim, earning my instant sympathy, but Anastasia is nicer to him.

The trio boards a private jet (a private jet for the sole purpose of demon dog booty call, I remind you), and is en route to Paris when Anastasia feels groggy. Just before passing out she formally transfers her authority over Jim to Buttercup. Jim realizes that Buttercup has drugged Anastasia, but it's too late. Butetrcup banishes Jim to the Akasha.

Drinks: 11

Genital Count: 2

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