Lair Loops/Transcript

Candle Man: Previously, on Candle Man and Friends…

(Cuts to “Anti-Boredom”, the Spammers create UCP.)

Whickey: So, we’ve tried so many different things to get UCP back. We had to steal that Moose’ toxic potion for the dartgun.

(Flashback to Moose’s lab, Whickey grabs the potion and runs away.)

Whickey: Which we had to chop trees down to get the wood for.

(Flashback to the Spammers chopping down wood from “The Krustiest Multiverse”)

Whickey: Which we needed to knock out Mystic and kill her for the stardust.

(Flashback to Dyaboy shooting Mystic.)

Whickey: But that didn’t even work! So you know what?

 So you know what? (Lifts a frying pan up.) I think it’s time we re-create UCP! (Places the frying pan on the stove.) Satan’s fur!

Maps: Ah yes, the fur sample that I found stuck to that duck which identified as Satan’s!

(Whickey puts the fur sample onto his frying pan and suddenly the grease jumps up and falls onto the floor and wriggling around.)

Whickey: YES, IT’S HAPPENING! UCP SHALL LIVE!

(The grease then finally transforms into Corrupted UCP.)

Corrupted UCP: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY LAIR?! (Grows two pairs of arms and throws the Spammers out of his lair.)

Whickey: Wait!

Corrupted UCP: THIS IS MY LAIR. YOU HEAR ME?! MINE!

Kitchen: But-

(Corrupted UCP slams the door, transitioning the scene to “The Blade of Aristocracy,” where Luis destroys UCP’s lair. Cuts to Luis holds lightsabers to Whickey’s neck. Luis pauses, then turns off both lightsabers.)

Luis: The Spammers need a leader. We are on the same side.

(Cuts to UCP climbing out of the lair’s rubble.)

Corrupted UCP: Luis and the Spammers will forever be my enemy, for I… am… THE NEW UCP!

(Corrupted UCP laughs maniacally. Theme song plays. Then, cuts to another abandoned house. Luis meditates. His lightsaber floats in the air and turns on. Whickey enters Luis’ room.)

Luis: Thanks for knocking.

Whickey: No time for that. We finally have a plan to retrieve our lair.

Luis: I blew it up, remember? UCP is dead.

Whickey: That is something else we’ll have to talk about.

(Meanwhile, Kitchen enters Dyaboy’s room.)

Kitchen: Are you coming to the meeting?

Dyaboy: I dunno. A lot of heavy stuff has gone down recently. Could we ever get what was taken from us back?

Kitchen: Maybe you should come to the meeting and find out.

(Kitchen leaves and closes the door. Dyaboy gets off his bed and follows her. Cuts to the living room. A giant circular table is in the middle of it. Every Spammer sits at the table. Dyaboy sits down.)

Luis: Glad you came.

Whickey: So, let’s get down to business. We have intel that UCP’s lair has been rebuilt.

Maps: What?

Gyux: WKIajejeidndjd djdmeksirusm? (Subtitles: How is this possible?)

Whickey: He must have survived Luis’ attack.

Kitchen: He must not be very pleased about it either.

Whickey: Which brings me to my plan: the only way to stop UCP is to make him fight himself.

Maps: You’re not suggesting-?

Whickey: Yes. We are going to make another UCP.

(Silence, then everybody laughs.)

Luis: That’s gotta be the stupidest plan you’ve had to DATE!

Whickey: Do you have a better plan?

Luis: Yes. I don’t miss this time.

Dyaboy: I say we try Whickey’s plan. He can’t kick us out of his lair if we’re not in it!

Kitchen: You make a good point.

Whickey: So, shall we do it?

Gyux: Jeiek. (Subtitles: Yes.)

Maps: I agree with the others.

(Everyone turns to look at Luis.)

Luis: Fine. Go ahead and try it.

Whickey: Very good.

Kitchen: We still have one problem.

Dyaboy: Yes. The first UCP was corrupted and deformed. What’s going to stop it from happening again?

Whickey: The dust! UCP’s dust.

Luis: Didn’t we use it in the first place?

Whickey: No, we didn’t. But this time, we will!

Maps: But then we have another confliction: we don’t have the dust.

Dyaboy: I think it’s still in the lair….

Luis: But then, wouldn’t it be incinerated?

Gyux: Jejeksnsj. sjshskske, hmrofjfjr hrikffn fijdudm msjeotm kslwnak Candle Man. (Subtitles: It wouldn’t. If it was, then it should’ve been when UCP was killed by Candle Man.)

Whickey: Then we have to storm the lair. Find it.

Dyaboy: UCP will just stop us. He’ll see us coming.

Whickey: I think you’re forgetting a little something. (Pulls out the Invisibility Cloak from “Anti-Boredom”)

Maps: Of course!

Whickey: Let’s a go! (Coughs.) Let’s go.

(The Spammers make their way towards the lair.)

Whickey: Here we are! The lair!

(Meanwhile, Corrupted UCP sleeps on a couch. He wakes up.)

Corrupted UCP: Hm?

(Back to the Spammers.)

Kitchen: (Whispering.) Keep your voice down.

Gyux: Ghisom, kreestd. (Subtitles: Got it, sis.)

Whickey: Let’s move out.

(They look for one of their old secret passageways, but find the passageways are all blocked.)

Maps: Drat!

Whickey: He must’ve known! I mean, they are his.

Luis: Then let’s use something we put in.

(Scene cuts to the Pucup ravine area. The Spammers take off the cloak and make their way to the outpost shown in “Magic Bag”.)

Kitchen: Good idea, Luis!

(They enter and look for a hatch. Gyux finds it and lifts it up. He gestures to the others to go in. Once they do, Gyux goes in himself. After some time, they reach the end of the tunnel.)

Dyaboy: (Whispering.) I don’t think we ever used this hatch.

Whickey: (Whispering.) Then where does it lead?

Kitchen: I don’t know!

(Whickey opens the hatch, and they freeze when they see that it leads to the bathroom, and UCP is sitting on the toilet while reading the newspaper. The headline is, “Ruins of ship from Corukan hits Fandax after nearly ten years of being in space”. Whickey makes a “hush” gesture and the group backs away from the passageway.)

Maps: (Whispering.) What are we gonna do?

Whickey: (Whispering.) Just don’t make any noises and our plan will go fine.

Kitchen: (Whispering.) How is this a plan?!

Luis: (Whispering.) Move over.

(Luis moves to the front of the line, and uses the Force to smother Corrupted UCP’s face with the newspaper.)

Corrupted UCP: AHH!

Luis: (Whispering.) Now!

(They slowly emerge from the vent, the invisible cloak on them, and leave the bathroom. Once they do, Corrupted UCP removes the newspaper from his face.)

Corrupted UCP: Hm, that was weird.

Gyux: Fheychjd! Nskekfj, Luis! (Whew! Nice one, Luis!)

Luis: Thanks.

(They creep into the living room, but find nothing.)

Whickey: (Whispering.) Let’s check his bedroom.

(They look in the bedroom, which used to be Whickey’s, with all of the latter’s plans in the trash.)

Whickey: Hmph.

Maps: Look!

(UCP’s ash is on a display case across from the bed.)

Whickey: Dyaboy, do you have the decoy ash?

Dyaboy: Yeah.

(He takes out an opaque jar and holds it.)

Whickey: Good.

(Whickey puts the ash in another jar. Dyaboy pours the decoy ash into the case, then Whickey pours the ash into Dyaboy’s jar.)

Dyaboy: Forgive me, grandmother.

Kitchen: It doesn’t matter what your grandmother thinks. Let’s go!

Whickey: Wait. We need to make the distraction.

(Whickey smashes his jar. Meanwhile, Corrupted UCP hears and comes out of the bathroom.)

Corrupted UCP: Someone’s gonna die today.

(He storms into his bedroom, but finds only a smashed jar. Meanwhile, the Spammers run out of the lair.)

Maps: We did it!

Luis: Now to get our lair back!

(Meanwhile, the Candle Friends walk into the Baghead Wiki. C0F-1 and C0F-2 stop them.)

C0F-1: Halt!

C0F-2: State your name and business.

Baghead: Now, hold on a second, you guys.

(Baghead walks over.)

Baghead: They’re with me.

(C0F-1 and C0F-2 look at each other, then move out of the Candle Friends’ way.)

Baghead: Welcome, you four. Are you returning my books?

Candle Man: Yes. Go ahead and take them.

(With a wheelbarrow, Limefong carts the books in.)

Baghead: Good. You can start shelving them at any time.

Shaduck: WHAT?!

Baghead: Well, you did take them!

Shaduck: You’re crazy.

Baghead: I’m following rules.

Candle Man: Hmph.

(They roll the wheelbarrow into the library area. Mystic looks over her shoulder.)

Mystic: Hey, Bag, you better give us some hel-

(She realizes Baghead has fallen onto his knees.)

Mystic: Bag?

(They watch as Baghead falls over face-first.)

Candle Man: BAG!

(They run over.)

Baghead: Something… terrible is happening. Something…

(He goes unconscious. Limefong puts him on a reading sofa)

Mystic: Why do I sense it’s coming from Wikia?

Candle Man: I think it’s coming from the wheelbarrow.

Limefong: What?

Candle Man: I mean, one of the books is shaking!

(He fishes out a book.)

Candle Man: (Reading the title.) “So Something Terrible Is Happening”, by Baghead Brown. Hm, pretty straightforward.

(The book opens itself and reveals a page: a recipe to revive evil villains.)

Shaduck: Why is there a chapter about evil villains?

Limefong: I don’t know, but I’m starting to realize why there’s security at a library.

(Candle Man realizes there is something peculiar with the book.)

Candle Man: Hey, a page is missing!

Mystic: You’re right! But who would…

Limefong: I’m guessing the Spammers has something to do with this!

Candle Man: But look at this list! It goes from Grand General Uardy to Xerk the Destroyer! Someone’s missing!

Shaduck: Do you think it can be UCP?

Mystic: Who else could it be?!

Candle Man: So, the Spammers revived UCP. Big deal! He’s dead! What could happen now?

(Baghead opens his eyes and repeats the same phrase.)

Baghead: This is getting out of hand. Now there are two of them! This is getting out of hand. Now there are two of them!

This is getting out of hand. Now there are two of them!

This is getting out of hand. Now there are two of them!

This is getting-

Candle Man: What is that supposed to mean?!

(Cuts to the abandoned house. Whickey feels around in his pocket and finds UCP’s revival recipe. Whickey tales it on the wall, and the Spammers begin reviving him correctly.)

Kitchen: So we’re using the recipe this time?

Whickey: Yes. I forgot all about it!

Luis: Let’s do this correctly this time.

(They start making UCP again.)

Whickey: (Places a frying pan on a stove.) First, we use some of Moose’s toxic potion.

Maps: Luckily, I keep enough of everything to use it more than once.

Luis: Then we use some of Mystic’s stardust…

(Both ingredients are thrown onto the frying pan.)

Whickey: Maps, do you have more of Satan’s hair?

Maps: Of course I do!

(She throws it onto the frying pan. It starts wobbling.)

Whickey: Keep it as it is. This recipe is complex!

Gyux: Dyaboy, hsididudj suoidis! (Subtitles: Dyaboy, pour the dust!)

(Dyaboy, hearing his name, knows what he needs to do. He pours the dust into the pan.)

Whickey: Now, we need to heat the pan up to Hell’s temperature: 666 million degrees.

(Maps turns up the dial on the stove, and it gets up to…)

Maps: 665 million degrees?!

Whickey: Darn it! We need an extra million degrees.

Dyaboy: But how do we get it?

(Meanwhile, the Candle Friends try to locate the abandoned house the Spammers are in.)

Candle Man: Thank goodness I know what that term Baghead chanted means!

Mystic: Are you sure they’re making another UCP?

Shaduck: Is there anything else that there is two of in this situation?!

Mystic: …No.

Shaduck: Exactly!

(Back to the Spammers.)

Kitchen: …What if we make Luis’ robotic hand overload? Would that bring us up to the temperature?

(The Candle Friends bust into the house. They see what the Spammers are up to.)

Limefong: We’re not gonna let you do this, Spammers!

Whickey: We’ll see about that!

(Candle Man throws fireballs at the Spammers. Whickey notices.)

Whickey: Hmm…

(Mystic uses a spell to slam Dyaboy into the second floor. Dyaboy watches the remaining fight from this spot.)

Luis: So you want to mess with us.

(Luis takes out his lightsaber, which activates to reveal two blades. He charges at Shaduck.)

Limefong: Shaduck, watch out!

(Shaduck teleports out of Luis’ way, and the latter slams into the wall.)

Luis: You’ll pay for that!

(Luis charges at Limefong.)

Limefong: AHH!

Mystic: LIMEFONG!

(Mystic notices, takes out the Mystix wand, and gets in Limefong’s way. Luis strikes the Mystix wand, but the wand parries the strike, but light cracks the wand a lot. Finally, the wand explodes, propelling the three back. Mystic, on the ground, raises the wand, but notices it is destroyed.)

Mystic: So that’s what Mystix meant. Thanks, sis.

(Over to Candle Man, where he continues to fight Maps and Kitchen while Shaduck fights Gyux.)

Shaduck: (Keeps teleporting to confuse Gyux.) Try to chase me!

Gyux: Rggggggggggggg! (Subtitles: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!)

(Shaduck shoots lasers at Gyux, but the latter dodges them.)

Candle Man: Shaduck, mind helping me out?

Shaduck: Yes! But I’ll help anyway!

(Shaduck shoots lasers at Maps and Kitchen, who get pushed into the wall because of them. Gyux charges at Shaduck and grabs onto the former before they both teleport somewhere unknown.)

Whickey: It’s you and me, firebrain.

Candle Man: So it is.

(Candle Man readies a very hot fireball, but then he is Force-pushed next to the stove by Luis.)

Whickey: Or maybe him, too.

(Whickey and Luis direct his flame onto the stove. Candle Man screams from the intense heat. Suddenly, the frying pan floats, and green light surrounds it.)

Kitchen: It’s happening!

Mystic: Oh, no.

(Shaduck and Gyux teleport back, but both freeze at the sight of UCP, who has returned.)

UCP: (Starts laughing maniacally.) Ah, finally. The clash of the sun has released me from my damned prison. (Floats above the others, shadowing over the Main 4.) It’s good to be back. (Grins evilly.)

Candle Man: UCP!

Shaduck: Alright, let’s do this again.

(Shaduck shoots lasers at UCP, but he deflects them.)

UCP: I have become more powerful than anything you’ve faced before.

Shaduck: Oh yeah? Prove-

(UCP throws the Main 4 out of the abandoned house.)

UCP: Who is the leader of this group of spammers?

Whickey: Grand UCP, I a-

(Dyaboy drops from the second floor right onto Whickey.)

Dyaboy: I am the leader.

Kitchen: Dyaboy!

Whickey: What the heck?!

UCP: Good, good. Now, let’s get my lair back. I don’t like living in this crude abode.

(UCP leads the Spammers to the former’s lair. Corrupted UCP goes outside.)

Corrupted UCP: What the hometown?

(UCP throws a ball of power at Corrupted UCP, causing him to be blasted back into the lair. He gets up, speckled with more deformities, and goes back out.)

UCP: You have something that belongs to me.

Corrupted UCP: I have NOTHING that is yours!

(UCP grabs his corrupted brother and launches him away from the lair. Corrupted UCP gets up.)

UCP: You are underneath me. Deal with it.

Corrupted UCP: You have just made a very powerful enemy.

UCP: You have just made a more powerful enemy.

(Whickey comes up from behind the group, having been left behind.)

Whickey: DYABOY! YOU LIAR! YOU ARE THE LEADER OF NOTHING!

Dyaboy: I am now!

(He takes Luis’s lightsaber and chops off both of Whickey’s hands.)

Dyaboy: Bow to your new leader!

(The Spammers hesitate, then bow.)

UCP: Any more arcs to finish? Good. It’s time for Wikia to return to its former greatness.

(UCP laughs maniacally, with the other Spammers awkwardly joining in. They go into their lair. Cuts to Baghead, who has soup and a blanket on the library couch, C0F-3 comforting him.)

Baghead: C0F-3?

C0F-3: Yes, sir?

Baghead: Grab the blasters.

(Cuts to the TV Friends watching the news.)

News Reporter: Two UCPs? Uh oh! It seems Wikia is getting twice the trouble it did last time!

Dewey: What?!

Jeremy: We need to do something about this!

(Cuts to Rachel looking out the window and seeing a building about to fall.)

Rachel: Mom! Dad! Look at this!

(Finally, cuts to the Candle Friends, who watch the UCPs and the Spammers begin their tyrannical misdeeds.)

Candle Man: Looks like this is worse than we expected.

Mystic: But what can we do now?

Limefong: What we did last time.

(Cuts to Dewey and the other TV Friends watching the news of UCP returning.)

Limefong: (Voice-over) What we were chosen to do.

(Cuts to C0F-3 arming herself.)

Limefong: (Voice-over) What we’ve done several times before.

(Cuts to Rachel and her family looking out the window and seeing a building get destroyed.)

Limefong: What we will continue to do against evil people like this.

(Cuts to the Candle Friends.)

Limefong: We fight.

Mystic: And survive.

Candle Man: Because it’s time to light it up!

(The episode ends.)