256: SmareSmoggle

## Summary

The party meet a paladin in the temple of Bahamut and Gwen discovers that she cannot summon Moondreamer. Batthwack reveals that he no longer worships the dragon god and is forced to turn over his shield. Outside, Gwen discovers that her magical purple pouch has transformed into a magical purple crystal, but when she tries to get rid of it, it absorbs itself into her!

## Synopsis

Gwen and Raphina, followed by Sheemie, head into the temple of Bahamut, Gwen insisting that there's no plan, she just wants to talk to them. The entrance to the temple is quite modest, certainly compared to the House of Zol Berdia which dramatically overshadows its narrow, open doorway. There is no door to open and no-one outside; they're free to walk right in. Entering the temple, they find themselves in a long, narrow room. It's very dimly lit and austere.

Down at the far end of the room is an eye-catching piece of iconography on the wall: a hammered metal silhouette of a dragon head, which they immediately recognise as the same symbol that's on Batthwack's shield. With their back to them, a figure in full plate armour kneels before it. Gwen asks if they work here at the temple. They put a hand on their knee, and they rise and turn to face them. It is a human woman with short brown hair, carrying a shield bearing the same image of a dragon head in profile, clearly a paladin of Bahamut. She says, *"Yes. What brings you to the Temple of Bahamut?"*

Gwen tells them about the flyer they received saying dragons aren't real, but explains that they've seen the dragon. The paladin cannot be persuaded, saying that they must be mistaken. She says that people are using tales of the dragon to try and spread discord and chaos in the city. *"Bahamut is the true dragon and Bahamut is not here with us in body. He is here with us in our spirits, but there is no other dragon flying about."* Gwen and Raphina also raise the flyer's denial that unicorns and sheep don't exist. Gwen offers to show her a unicorn to prove that they might need to reconsider their position. The paladin seems sceptical, but accepts.

Gwen asks Kowl, who's been patiently sitting on her shoulder, to try and summon Moondreamer. Gwen crosses everything, but try as they might, Kowl can't seem to be able to do it. *"It's like, there's no answer? If that makes sense"* they say. The paladin is stood there, arms crossed smugly. Raphina angrily accosts her, recounting their discovery of all the anger and division in Morrow's Inlet, saying that to heal discord requires helping each other, not more disagreement. The paladin claims that this is what they do at the temple, but Raphina isn't convinced. While the arguing continues, Gwen tries casting *Mage Hand* subtly, wondering if the rest of her magic is working, but can't really tell if it was successful.

At that moment, Will and Batthwack emerge from the alleyway, having exited the House of Zol Berdia and are drawn into the temple of Bahamut by the sound of Raphina's arguing. Will vaguely remembers that Batthwack has Bahamut on his shield and asks Batthwack about it, who replies *"He's the god from back home. I guess, kinda like Zol Berdia, right?"* and Will, with his sarcasm dialled up to eleven, says *"Yep. Exactly like that."*

Gwen tries to explain to Will what's been going on, when the paladin notices Batthwack. Somewhat taken aback, she asks if he's also a paladin of Bahamut. He replies *"I feel no need to worship Bahamut."* She's confused, asking Batthwack why he carries a shield with the dragon god's symbol. He says *"It's a remembrance from older days, long ago."* She asks *"Did you once worship Him? Devote yourself to Him? Like I do?"* *"Yes,"* he says. *"Oh, have you lost your way?"* she asks. *"No, I found it"* comes the quiet response.

The paladin offers Bahamut's blessing to Batthwack, but he is immediately put in mind of the gifts from the dark powers and his promise to Will, so politely refuses. Going into the other temple with Will had been voluntary, but this is different. The paladin's face darkens at the refusal, and tells him that in that case he must have over the shield. Will interjects, claiming that if she doesn't pay him for it, it's theft. Batthwack suggests a trade, but the paladin only offers *"the grace of Bahamut"* in return. Again, he politely refuses any gift.

Will watches this exchange closely, concerned about Batthwack's motive for rejecting his god, wondering if it's because of the dark powers? Then he recalls Batthwack's waterfall necklace and realises that Batthwack must have finally decided that Bahamut isn't the deity who granted his powers, it's Eldath. The paladin says *"Do you really think you should be carrying that? If you feel the way that you do?"* Batthwack wonders for a moment if he can simply remove the image, but it's too tightly connected to the structure of the shield. Will notices this and *Prestidigitates* a cat head over the dragon head. *"Look, now he worships cat-head-dragon-body god!"* he says.

The paladin shakes her head. She goes down on one kneed, closes her eyes and starts to recite a prayer in a low voice: *"Bahamut please, bestow your grace upon this man. Bring him back to the path of the light. Bring him back under your graces. He has been misled, but I think he can be brought back into your light."* As she is saying this, Batthwack walks over to the back wall of the temple and sets his shield down against it. Walking back past the paladin, he says *"It's really just some fine metalwork. Nothing more. I hope the shield serves you well."* No sooner has he said this, than her eyes fly open and she looks at Batthwack in utter shock. *"What is in you?!"* she says. *"In you there's pride, there's chaos, there's ... murder."* The rest of the group are nonchalant, saying *"We know about that,"* but the paladin continues, *"You're right, you are no paladin of Bahamut! I think you all need to leave."* *"Alright, cool."* says Will apparently unfazed by all of this. *"Come on, Batthwack! Let's blow this popsicle stand"* says Raphina and Batthwack is surround by his friends as they all stride out of the temple. He takes a last look at his shield over his shoulder. It's just visible in the dimness.

Gwen offers to make Batthwack a new shield out of candy and Will asks if that's where her lollipop quarterstaff came from. She says no, her brother had it made for her, but *"I'm not going there."* Sheemie asks if she has more candy and she suggests a few things she could pull out of her magic pouch, but when she reaches into her pack to get it, she discovers it's been replaced with a large hunk of purple crystal. It's about 8 inches long, roughly the same size and shape as the pouch had been. They all stare at it dumbfounded for a moment, before Will starts to wheel around, patting his pockets and looking for Ricardo Ulysses. The growing darkness makes it hard to spot anyone specific, but the crowd of protestors are still there. *"Fuck!"* he screams.

Gwen casts *Detect Magic* to discern that the stone is indeed highly magical in the school of *Transmutation*. Not much else around them is glowing. They're reminded that this pouch came from Moondreamer, or someone who may have been posing as them. Will has a sudden thought and surreptitiously reaches into his pocket to touch the Swirly Man ball, but nothing happens. Gwen is concerned, first her money multiplied and now this.

Will glances at Batthwack, who is quiet, but actually looking quite peaceful. Will tells him that as a good employer, he'll make sure the dragonborn gets a new shield. The others all chip in and suggest ways to make one for him. Batthwack says he'd like a new shield, but it's not urgent. He says there's no point being too attached to things.

As the hour is getting late, they decide to get going on their way to the Pineapple War Memorial Garden. As they walk, Gwen continues to examine the purple crystal, and Raphina casts *Find Traps* to put her mind at ease. However, she's shocked when she actually does sense the presence of a trap, one which intends to change a person. *"Drop iiiiiiit!!"* she screams, causing everyone to stop in their tracks. The crystal seems like the most likely suspect, given it was imbued with transmutation magic. Will looks closely at it, hoping that his new found sorcerer's powers might help him. He can't discern anything specific about it, but has a very bad feeling about it and pleads with Gwen that she just drop it, or bury it or something.

   Gwen doesn't know what to do as the group discuss various ways to get rid of this stone: carry it with *Mage Hand*, *Bananish* it, throw it in the river, *Dimension Door* it away. Nothing seems safe enough. Frustrated, Will steps away from the group and again touches the Swirly Man ball, before asking *"Do you have anything to do with this?"* *"Maybe"* comes the slippery-voiced reply. *"You fucker!"* says Will, a little too loudly, unsure whether he's just being messed with. The others hear this and look over, concerned. Will whirls around and insists Gwen just drop the crystal and don't touch it.

Gwen goes to put the stone down, but worryingly finds that she can't; it's stuck to her hand. *"Guys... you know how you have the crowns and you can't get them off your head?"* she says as she turns, holding her hand upside down and shaking it. As the others watch, the stone starts to go upwards into Gwen's palm, absorbing into the scales of her hand and then disappearing. Gwen is just looking at all of them in stunned silence when two purple, crystalline shards poke out of the outside corners of her eyes.

## Trivia

* The episode title is a quote from Raphina. When the group are trying to convince the paladin at the Bahamut temple that they've seen dragons and unicorns, thus proving their existence, Raphina asks her if she believes in goats. *"Yes...?"* is the reply from the confused paladin. *"I've also seen sheep. I used to ferry a whole family of sheep back and forth..."* She hesitates when realising that she may be letting on too much about her real identity... *"in a place I used to live... called SmareSmoggle."* Eric: *"Is this a made up place? Just like unicorns and dragons?"*
* Wiseman in a Carrot Suit on the TOEJAM AND EARL WIKI!
* This week's episode description describes the Pork Fried Dice wiki as: satiating.

## References

1. ↑ See episode 242: Tones of Loam
2. ↑ See episode 27: Mist-ical Visions: Part 3
3. ↑ https://fathead.com/
4. ↑ http://www.colorforms.com/
5. ↑ This mirrors Batthwack's desecration of the image of Zol Berdia. See episode 255: Have You Ever Played, Uh, Hopscotch?
6. ↑ See episode 209: Various Brick Sounds and 212: Hubbubbada Bubbada!
7. ↑ See episode 210: Does Anyone Need a Soup Tureen?
8. ↑ See episode 246: A Pompion's Guide to Six Rivers