Episode 14: Baby Piggy Brayden Part 1

Zach

*In this week's brand new adventure our team of bonza mates are tasked with escorting and unusual and scandal-prone celebrity who is receiving death threats! Meet the little pig with the big mouth! It's Dungeons and Dragons but it's in Fantasy Australia. Strewth!*

## Synopsis

Wenzo has arranged a top-secret, lucrative assignment for Gadai, McKenzie and Plank, taking them to a shearing shed with only the information that some sort of hand-off is going to be taking place. A man enters, whom Wenzo introduces as his uncle Dez, and who explains he is a celebrity agent. One of his celebrities has been receiving death threats, and Dez would like the group to guard the celebrity and to shield him from scrutiny or scandal. Farmer Crowley wheels out a crate to reveal a pig, which proceeds to speak only to curse at them. Plank immediately recognises Baby Piggy Brayden and is delighted.

Dez gives them a tourlist with five dates, in Dunbummin, Mingin, Bewdy Hill, Buggaroo, and Hamrock. They set off overnight to Dunbummin, with Plank giving up his bunk to Baby Piggy Brayden and making a papoose overnight and nobody noticing anything strange.

They arrive in Dunbummin in the early morning, with Baby Piggy Brayden waking up hungry and demanding, headbutting the underside of McKenzie's bunk. Plank hurries to prepare the best breakfast he can muster, while Gadai notices a spider's web above the bunk in which Brayden has been sleeping which reads "SOME DEAD PIG". They go to ask questions of Farmer Crowley, only to discover he is dead. Baby Piggy Brayden begins to feign panic and demands beer, which Plank willingly provides. Gadai cannot be certain of why Farmer Crowley has died, but Plank finds a spiderbite on the man's leg and signs of envenomation.

They are unable to find any sign of a spider in the wagon, but manage to dig a grave and put the body in it. Wenzo raises whether spiders might be able to be harnessed to communicate, similar to Chatterpillars, in some sort of World Wide Web, indicating that the spider may simply be the messenger and not the one making the threats.

Wenzo says that Baby Piggy Brayden is expected to do a jumbucker-herding demonstration and is running late, but Baby Piggy Brayden is by now very drunk. They enter the small, rural town and approach a pen containing a dozen female jumbuckers, leaving Wenzo guarding the Pie Wagon and body. Plank introduces Baby Piggy Brayden and tries to get him out of herding the jumbuckers, but is unsuccessful; when he puts Baby Piggy Brayden on the ground, the pig falls over, then defecates. Plank asks if there is anything they can do to "appease" the audience, then uses Thaumaturgy to make it sound as if the pig has shouted "Suck my bacon balls!" but some members of the audience are shocked.

The group struggles over what to do as the audience grows more dissatisfied and the jumbuckers grow restless. Plank strips naked and runs at the jumbuckers, outraging the crowd and spooking the animals. One of the jumbuckers charges towards a small child on the other side of a flimsy fence; McKenzie slows it with a Ray of Frost, Plank puts it to sleep, and Gadai offers to give the people back their money and even give them an extra gold piece if they go home. Unfortunately, the other eleven jumbuckers also scatter, but McKenzie uses a gust of wind to knock all of the sheep, and Plank, down to the far end of the field. A couple are knocked into the small pen where they were supposed to go, and the rest follow. Plank is retrieved from the field and offers to put up the money for the refunds.

Wenzo is horrified by the news that they have lost money. They quickly bury farmer Crowley, and Gadai cleans up a half-asleep Baby Piggy Brayden while McKenzie removes all beer from the Pie Wagon, before they head on towards Mingin. Since she only trances instead of sleeping, McKenzie keeps watch over the pig, while Gadai actives Crikey Moses to respond if she is in danger. In the early morning, McKenzie spots the glint of a spider web and wakes the others. Baby Piggy Brayden catches sight of the Iron Flask and wants to drink from it, but Plank and then McKenzie keep it out of his reach. The new web reads "DICKHEAD". However, nobody has been bitten.

In Mingin, Baby Piggy Brayden is expected to do stand-up comedy in a local tavern. Now awake, Baby Piggy Brayden returns to being a nuisance, rooting through the Pie Wagon and demanding beer. Gadai offers to stay with Baby Piggy Brayden while McKenzie and Plank check out the tavern to be sure that it is safe. Plank finds himself talking again to Steveblood Smithfang, the half-orc whose wife Plank said was more attractive when they last visited the town, while McKenzie checks about the building. Everything seems fine, and Plank invites Steveblood Smithfang to meet Baby Piggy Brayden one-on-one. As soon as Plank and Stevebloood start to approach the wagon and Baby Piggy Brayden sees them, however, the pig reveals that he is extremely racist against half-orcs and releases a stream of insults and slurs.

Baby Piggy Brayden attacks Steveblood as they enter, and Gadai swiftly grabs him and takes him back inside while Plank and McKenzie placate Steveblood. Steveblood talks about how excited he, and his half-orc family and friends, are for the show. Gadai suggests they send Plank and Baby Piggy Brayden on as a double act, as Plank has fitted in well in Mingin, and Plank initially intends to cast Darkness to hide the audience from Brayden but realises at the last minute that the audience would also not be able to see the pig. Brayden is introduced, and Plank escorts him onstage, while Gadai and McKenzie try to stir up laughter from the crowd.

Baby Piggy Brayden starts to launch into a series of racist jokes against half-orcs, which Plank keeps cutting off and turning against dwarves instead. McKenzie heckles Baby Piggy Brayden, who tries to attack her but is restrained by Plank. Gadai starts a chant of "suck my bacon balls" among the half-orcs, who grow increasingly rowdy and eventually start approaching the dwarf bartender with weapons. Feeling guilty, the group intervene, with McKenzie managing to persuade them to step down by further mocking the bartender, then Gadai grabs Baby Piggy Brayden and the three quickly leave.

## Characters

* Gadai
* McKenzie
* Plank
* Wenzo
* Trent Stacker (mentioned)
* Ridgie Didge Didgerton (mentioned)
* Dame Smegma (mentioned)
* Dez
* Ed Shearin' (mentioned)
* Baby Piggy Brayden
* Farmer Crowley
* Little Beefy (mentioned)
* Steveblood Smithfang

## Locations

* Bewdy Hill
* Buggaroo
* Dunbummin
* Hamrock
* Mingin

## Peoples

* Boganbears (mentioned)
* Dwarves (mentioned)
* Half-orcs
* Halflings
* High Elves
* Humans
* Tieflings

## Creatures

* Humpyhorses (mentioned)
* Jumbuckers

## Definitions

* Chatterpillars
* Crikey Moses
* Iron Flask (mentioned)
* McKenzie's Dissertation (mentioned)
* Pie Wagon
* World Wide Web

## Quotes

* McKenzie: "I don't think I'm ready for the emotional jump which is Wenzo introducing us to his family."
* Dez: "You look very confused, love. My DNA - my dirty, naughty assets."
* Baby Piggy Brayden: "Hello, jerks. You can suck my bacon balls. Suck my bacon balls, you dumb jerks."
* McKenzie: "I have... some concerns."
Luke: Okay, I could drive a pie wagon through some of these pauses, so I'm just gonna, er, keep going on.
* Luke: Baby Brayden wakes up, and you can hear him down there being like, "Screw my curly tail! Suck my bacon balls! I want my breakfast you moutrags!"
* Baby Piggy Brayden: "They can suck my bacon balls. That's my catchphrase."
Gadai: "Plank's got it on a t-shirt."
* McKenzie: "If it's a spider that is deadly enough to kill someone-"
Gadai: "And most are."
McKenzie: "-yeah, well, if we're doing, like, Western Fantasy Australia, then there's really only one or two that would *kill* you."
* Dunbummin Resident: "That's filth! What sort of fucking filth is that? Don't say that fucking filth in front of my kids, you cunt!"
* Luke: So Crikey Moses, his job is to wake you, Gadai, if you're in danger, and that's what he's gonna do. Alright.
Suzanne: Well, that's a very clear distinction... I don't think *Gadai's* in any danger.
Luke: Well, then Crikey Moses doesn't give a fuck, does he?
* Gadai: "We need to do another show! Last one was shit."
Luke: ...well, that got very meta.
* Luke: And yes, indeed that's what it is: it's not a spider, it's a spider *web* that McKenzie has noticed. And in glistening silver letters, built into the web, is the word DICKHEAD.
Plank: McKenzie, it's for you.
* Luke: Roll for 'Build a time machine' It's a DC 25...000. Just due to the technology in Fantasy Australia right now. Basically gumnuts and tincans.
* McKenzie: "Okay, let's tie him to a bedpost."
Plank: "Who, Wenzo?"
Wenzo: "...oh."
McKenzie: "Well, could do that, but I meant..."
Wenzo: "McKenzie, I had no idea."
* Luke: So he likes you, Gadai. You've been kind. Most characters tend to like Gadai, because unlike you two fuckers, Gadai actually has a conscience.
* Steveblood Smithfang: Oooh, who's your friend?
Plank: This is Mercedes.
Steveblood Smithfang: Oh, you two, uh-
Plank: McKenzie! It's McKenzie.
McKenzie: I'm happy with Mercedes, it's fine.
* Luke: I'm gonna recap for the listener. So, Gadai says 'Maybe we shouldn't do this show, because we've got a lot of half-orcs there that could get angry', you said 'no, no, I've got a plan', you're just about to go on, and you've realised oh fuck, no, that won't work.
* Baby Piggy Brayden: "Let me tell you a joke. So, a dwarf, a half-orc and a bugbear walk into a bar, and the half-orc, well, he says-"
Plank: "Glad I'm not a dwarf."
* Baby Piggy Brayden: "I once knew a half-orc who was so stupid-"
Plank: "He was made mayor of a dwarven town."

## Australian Culture References

* Dame Smegma is a reference to famous Australian drag character Dame Edna Everage.
* "Ripper" is Australian slang meaning very good
* "Cack your dacks" is Australian slang literally meaning "shit your pants", that is to be extremely surprised and/or shocked.
* Agro was an Australian puppet/media personality, known for adult humour (including sexual), most famous in the 1980s and 1990s.
* "Moutrags" is Australian slang for female hygiene products such as sanitary towels or tampons.
* "Arse over tit" is an alternate way of saying "head over heels", in Australian (and British) slang.
* "Pigs in blankets", **not** to be confused with 'pigs in a blanket' is the Australian (and British) name for small sausages wrapped in bacon. Note this is the sort of sausages that come in links, not US sausage patties.
* "Piggy in the middle" is the most common Australian (and British) name for Keep Away, that is two or more players on a team passing a ball or similar to each other while one person tries to intercept it.

## Trivia & Gaffes

* This week, the players are asked their favourite Fantasy Australia celebrity.
	+ Gadai's favourite Fantasy Australia celebrity is a local ranger named Trent Stacker.
	+ McKenzie favourite Fantasy Australia celebrity is Dame Smegma, though she would never admit it.
	+ Plank favourite Fantasy Australia celebrity is jazz musician Ridgie Didge Didgerton.
* This episode first confirms that the timeline in-universe is roughly in sync with the timeline out-of-universe.
* Once again, the confusion between Hamrock and Rockham (previously seen in Episode 5: The Mystery of the Bewdy Hill Beauties Part 2) reappears, but this time Suzanne gets inspiration for pointing it out. Luke did not actually mean for her to take this inspiration seriously, but Suzanne writes it down before he is able to take it back.
* The 1995 movie *Babe*, although set in rural England, was filmed in Australia and is particularly well-known there and in the UK. It is based on the book *The Sheep-Pig* by Dick King-Smith. The closing words of the film are "That'll do, Pig. That'll do." (book: "That'll do, Pig.") which are drawn from use of "That'll do" as one of the standard calls used for sheepdogs, telling them to stand down.
* The words written in spiderwebs are a reference to the book (and subsequent film adaptations) *Charlotte's Web* by E. B. White.
* Gadai asks whether a spell that cures poison would sober up Baby Piggy Brayden. In most D&D games, being drunk is treated as a variant on the Poisoned condition (giving disadvantage on checks) and can be cured by any spell that would cure that condition, such as Lesser Restoration.
* At about 48:30, Paris and Suzanne start laughing harder, and Paris explains; "Me and Suzanne just realised - I'm wearing a spider shirt, and she has a pig on her shirt."
* Five Nights at Freddy's is a horror game which went viral in 2014.
* For a second time, Zach struggles with maths, this time stating that fifteen family members at ten gold each would be about sixty gold. Paris is the one to call him out on this.