Beauty and the Bert

**Beauty and the Bert** is the fourth episode of the second series of The Osbournes. It originally aired on the January 3, 2003.

## Summery

Kelly begins dating Bert McCracken, lead singer of the band The Used. Sharon worries after hearing some stories about Bert ("They call him cauliflower dick. Cauliflower dick!? Don't you get that from Virg-, Virginia, Virginial, Venereal disease mum. Venereal disease! Why do I keep thinking fucking Virginial?"), while Jack thinks that Bert is weird because he professed his love to Kelly after only a few weeks of dating. Kelly warns that she will run off to Vegas and marry before the end of the year. Sharon actually encourages this, saying that she needs some excitement. Sharon worries about the situation, but Ozzy encourages her to relax and just focus on living one day at a time.

Sharon wants Bert to stay at the house (and sleep in Jack's room) when his band comes to town. Kelly refuses to bring him over to meet the family because she fears they will threaten or embarrass him. She finally tries to sneak him into the house, but Sharon catches them. She asks Bert about his nickname, leaving Kelly mortified. Meanwhile, Ozzy has more problems with the television set, which winds up stuck on a cooking channel (or the Bread Baking Channel, as he calls it). He develops a strange fascination for the series Two Fat Ladies.

## Memorable Quotes

"*I couldn't believe my fucking luck! The fucking "bone" channel on on the fucking TV.* "
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*The "bone" channel? Do they have porno on the TV in the hotel?*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*What's a single, lonely man gonna do?*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*You're not single and you're not fucking lonely, so shut up!*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*You kissed pukey, Kelly? Oh my God! Eurgh!*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*Cauliflower dick!? Don't you get that from Virg-, Virginia, Virginial disease.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Why do I keep thinking fucking Virginial?*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*You're not going out with anyone with a dick like a cauliflower!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*What a fucking nerdy name, man.*"
— Ozzy referring to The Used

"*You're driving me fucking crazy. I'm not even joking!*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*That's such a fat kid thing to do.*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*Well, if you haven't noticed, I am a fat kid.*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*I don't fuck...with your...musical career!*"
— Jack Osbourne being playful

"*STOP FIGHTING! Let me give you a warning! This will end in fucking tears! I suggest you fucking stop acting like a pair of dicks right now! Quit! Stop!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I'll shove a banana up your arse! Bend over, bitch!*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*That's a waste of food! There are people in Somalia that die for that banana.*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*By the look of it we're gonna be at war by the end of the week with Bush calling up the United Nations.* "
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*I have a question Jack and I don't have to go to war do we?*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*Kel, you're a woman. If you did have to go to war, you'd sit behind the desk and type.*"
— Jack Osbourne

"*Bullshit! Women go to the frontline.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*They're not gonna allow women in the trenches with five horny men.*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*In a few months I'm going off and getting married in Vegas. For the Hell of it.*"
— Kelly Osbourne

"*The bread baking channel.These two fucking old cunts, fucking baking bread!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*He's a Mormon and he'll cheat on you.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*God, beam me up. Kill me now. This fucking madhouse is fucking driving me fucking crazy!*"
— Ozzy Osbourne

"*If that's her boyfriend then I'm very worried for her.*"
— Colin

"*I'll deal with this fucking Burlington Burt!*"
— Sharon Osbourne

"*Well Kelly likes young smelly boys, but, as a mother, I think she needs a much older, wiser man.*"
— Sharon Osbourne

## Trivia

* This is Kelly Osbourne's least favourite episode.
* Kelly unintentionally reveals that Aimee had a boyfriend as of the time the episode was filmed.