MYB/4-26-19

I've decided already this isn't going to be a daily thing. There's no way I can keep up with this, and there's no way I'm going to write something down everyday. That already turns this into a chore, and it's not supposed to be a chore, it's supposed to be an outlet. I think... I started this one not because I had anything in particular to say but just to mark that this is the start of something, a change maybe. Like a new era or something.

Well, maybe there's a few things I could touch up on, get myself in check with. I told Soc this yesterday but I didn't really elaborate because Soc is Soc, and Soc is sweet and concerned about everyone and doesn't have time to worry about me, even though she already does it anyway. That's so unfair on my part. That Soc worries about me. It seems like a ridiculous fear to have really, but I don't like making people worry. But I do. If that makes sense. Like no, of course I don't want them to be running around stressed about my condition, but in a way, I guess it's some sort of sign that at least *someone* cares about me enough to be concerned about me. Not saying I don't have people that care about me but it's like, it's different between *knowing* someone cares about you and *seeing* someone care about you, y'know?

I'm getting so off-topic but who said a journal is supposed to be organized? My thoughts are hardly organized, of course this is already a fucking hot mess. Fan-fucking-tastic. You know, sometimes I read over old text messages and kind of just realize how much I hate myself. Like I say it jokingly out loud all the time, but I just really hate myself. I feel like like I kind of know why but I don't, but that's how everything feels. You think you have a grasp on it and then you don't, and you're left there lying in a ditch in the side of the road like, "Did I ever actually see the road or was I hallcuinating?" That moment when even your *metaphors* don't make sense. I must really be going off the deep end or something.

I've thought about it for awhile, for a little too long I think but I think a little too long about everything so what's the difference this time? For a second, I didn't think I knew what exactly this is on, like what's my topic, what am I thinking a little too long on? Soc makes me happy. Sometimes it doesn't always work. Sometimes Soc comes on and tries her absolute best but I'm too deep in my head to offer more than a pitiful smile and a short laugh. It's okay though because most of the time, she makes me happy, and most of the time is more than half of the time, and half of the time is more than the minority of the time, and a minority of the time is less than none of that time. I've told her so many time how much I love her but honestly, half the time I don't even know if I'm saying it platonically or not. I've kind of figured that I'm not just because Soc makes me feel, and not just feel, but feel good.

Monday and Tuesday were miserable for me. I could barely focus in class, and the whole day, I just wanted to cry. I almost cried on the bus, and there was this middle schooler sitting next to me on her phone and she had Snapchat open and honestly it made me feel worse. Sometimes, I notice more than usual how little *actual* friends I have. I really just have people I talk to often depending on the class or the time. Not actual friends. Not people who I hang out with or go to their house often. Just people I see five out of seven days of the week, sometimes less. And it hurts so much, watching everyone with their friends and feeling so lonely and helpless and **pitiful**. Sometimes on those days, I try to reassure myself that I have friends but then I look at those people who I think are my "friends" and realize they have other friends, friends they'd rather hang out with me and it hurts me.

Soc and Kace are really the only people I feel close to anymore. Soc, maybe a little too close to be considered "just a really fucking good friend" but definitely the only people I feel consistently give a shit about my existence. Of course I know my family cares about me, they're kind of obligated to considering two out of four of them led to my creation and the other two look up to me. But it doesn't stop me from feeling out of a place. As the first child, you'd think I'd have a better connection with everyone but I *don't*. I feel like everyone is so close, and I'm just *there.* I'm just the child they didn't get right, and they don't know what to do with me anymore, so they just pretend like nothing's wrong and assume it won't be a problem. And worst of all, no one understands it all. No one understands the difference between "I slept in because I was tired" and "I slept in because I literally could not find a fucking reason to even try today".

My parents are convinced I keep sleeping in because I'm just tired but I've stayed up like this before and been fine. I don't blame them for thinking like that, they don't get it, they don't feel like this. But I do. I feel like sleeping is better half the time than even trying to get up and go somewhere I don't want to be, and see people I don't want to see, and pretend for eight hours that I'm perfectly okay when it's not true. It gets so fucking exhausting pretending to be okay. Like you have to make a conscious effort to keep the tears out of your eyes and the scowl off your face. My smile feels so heavy whenever a teacher greets me or someone says "Hi". Instead of saying anything, I just smile, and even that takes so much energy, it's like I just want to pass out in the hallway right there and just let everyone trample me to death.

And then when I get too tired to even keep the facade up, people immediately flock to me and go, "Are you okay?" like the only time I'm ever not okay is when I'm not smiling all the time. And people have the fucking audacity to go, "Oh, you're not depressed". You don't know shit about me, you can't tell me that I've been hallucinating my pain for the past two years and I can just flip it on and off like it's a switch or something. DEPRESSION IS NOT A FUCKING SWITCH, AND YOU CAN'T TURN IT OFF. If I could just *turn it off*, do you think I'd ever want to turn it back on again? Why the fuck would I want to do that to myself? If I could just cure myself and walk away, never having to worry about feeling like shit everyday ever again, why do you think I'd put myself through that again just to put on some dramatic facade for the public?

I don't care if you think I'm depressed or not. I know I'm fucking depressed and I know that it's still a fight to even convince myself to keep fighting in general half the fucking time. So don't try and tell me that I'm not depressed because I'm not "quiet and shy" or I don't cut myself, or I don't talk like a suicidal maniac. Why don't you understand that's not how it works? You can't just fit every fucking depressed person in a box like we're all the same thing, we're not. We will never be the same thing. It's not like a bacterial infection that can just be cured with antibiotics. This doesn't just go away after a few days after some rest and fluids. This could be for life and I won't fucking know until I get to the end. Maybe the end is closer than I think I'll make it, who fucking knows. Don't tell me I'm not depressed just because I don't act like your angsty teen novels.

I'm waiting for Soc to get back from work. I don't know when she gets off but she said she had work in the morning so since I got back from school, I'm kind of just waiting for her to pop back up in her usual Soc manner. As much as I want to talk to her, I really think she should get some sleep first hand. I love her and everything but she needs a nap-or like three. There's no point wasting time you could be sleeping on me. It's not like I'm gonna go anywhere. I don't have a fucking social life or any friends, so I'm pretty much here twenty-four-seven. I guarantee you that if you come back home at 4, take a nap till like 10, and show up at like 11, I'll still be here because I'm absolute trash for you and will wait for you to come back even if I really should be sleeping.

Lately whenever Soc hasn't been online for hours at a time with no clear indication of when she's gonna be back or wherever the heck she went with no warning, I've kind of been going to sleep lately which is honestly just me being passive aggressive in the most indirect way possible, Like "By the way, I'm sad and mad at you for not being around because I'm like a fucking puppy that requires your attention all twenty four hours of the day so I'm gonna go shove my face into some pillows and cry myself to sleep due to my pitiful communication skills and pitiful existence, love you, have a good day at work, xoxo". That's what it is and it's so fucking stupid because I guarantee you that if I just told Soc how I felt, she'd make an effort to make me feel less neglected but at the same time, I'm mad at *myself* for feeling neglected. Like Soc isn't obligated to be around me 24/7, so it's not like I should expect her to be but I do anyway because I'm a selfish bitch who can't seem to function without someone's attention like a fucking attention seeker.

People tell me I'm not annoying, and it's so hard to believe them because it all feels like a lie. Deep down, I know it's probably geninue and there's a small few who aren't telling me the truth, but among those small few there are tons and tons of people who like me. Which is what I try to tell myself, try to believe because it'll make me feel better for a little while. But then small things happen and it all comes crashing down on me. Like for example, yesterday Nathan threw a ketchup pack in front of me for some reason, and I wasn't in the mood to deal with whatever crazy crush signal he was giving off at the time so I flung it over my shoulder and it landed on someone's table. I thought it'd just be the end of that because no one was really sitting there, and if they cared enough, they'd probably just throw it away. And then a couple of minutes later, Paris with her annoying blonde-headed ass comes back over with the ketchup packet and puts it back on the table in front me. And I look at her and flick it because I'm like, "what the fuck do you want me to do with this?"

Some girl from the table I originally threw the ketchup packet on by accident comes over and tries to give me some scolding or whatever, telling me to just throw it away and not make more work for the janitors, and it's not like she wasn't right, I didn't have an issue with what she was saying, it was the way she said it. She said it like she was better than me, like I was the scum of the Earth or something. I just rolled my eyes and ignored her, classic "sassy black girl" behavior or whatever it is these days, and continued on my day. And then Kace mentioned something about them thinking that we were assholes or something and going "Now they're gonna think I'm an asshole and I didn't even do anything" and of course, I just laughed it off because I can't pretend it actually bothers me in front of him. He doesn't even realize that half the time, he offends me with some stupid joke he *thinks* is funny but hits the completely wrong way. And then it got me thinking, what if I actually am just a lonely asshole with no friends? Like no wants to hang out with me because I'm annoying and rude and no one likes assholes.

And it's kind of just been creeping up on me at random times in the day. That and what happened in the Silencio Records discord. I was just trying to voice my opinions, give some thoughts. I had an idea and I wanted to make it happen. I thought the popularity lists I was doing were pretty fun so I wanted to make it a thing, y'know? And then they had to go out and make it this problematic thing when it was just a fun idea that I wanted to do because it made me *happy*. They didn't even apologize for shutting me down like that, or try to come up with another solution. They just said some shit and moved on. Like okay, guess you can just step all over me. Everyone else does it, so go ahead. I'm a doormat and I know it, and I'm never gonna say anything about how I feel because that requires confrontation, and confronting people about my feelings is a whole other monster to conquer.

Like I don't think anyone understands how hard it is to talk to people about things I feel. First of all, even trying to form the words to describe anything is a task in itself, and then you have to filter it so you don't risk loosing all the people you think care about you because you got a little "too" real for a second. And then worrying about whether or not they'll take it seriously or brush it off or laugh at me or get mad at me or whatever. It' so fucking stressful, and I kind of just avoid the whole thing by bottling it up. And then whenever it gets too much, the bottle cap pops off and I get blast back by all the negative emotions I couldn't get out, and before I know it, I'm in an even worse place than before. And it's just an endless cycle until it gets worse and worse and worse and then there's the breaking point and you don't even know if you want to do this anymore because you feel so stupid and worthless and **unnecessary**.

I don't like Omnia. This is my journal so I'm not even going to bother "prettying it up" or sugarcoating it because she doesn't do that, so why should I? It's like she's a complete asshole or anything, it's just a little too much for me and I don't like it. Honsetly, half the time, I kind of just avoid her because I don't know how I'm feeling about her at that point, and I don't want to cause any problems or anything. But she kind of just has her way of butting into everything, even if it literally has nothing to do with her. And her input on stuff? Completely unneeded. I get that she's given up on sugarcoating because of things that have happened to her in the past, but completely getting rid of her filter like that is just a nuiscance on its own. But who am I to judge? I'm not her, I haven't lived her life. I'm probably never gonna fully understand the reason so why bother trying? I just wish that sometimes, she'd at least spare some thought to half the shit she says sometimes. That's all. She seems like a solid person though. Just... a little too much for me.

When I started writing this, I didn't really have anything in mind to talk about but now I have like ten paragraphs and more of just... thoughts and feelings. I don't know if I feel better or anything, but this is just Day One, so we'll see. I don't really have anything else to write about so I guess I could go finish off my thoughts from the beginning that I started but never got back to. For one, Worrying people makes me feel bad because I can barely see why anyone would want to worry about me? It's not like I do anything worthwhile. I'm kind of just here and that's all. No one really appreciates me or likes me too much besides a handful of people, and even then, I'm pretty sure that handful is growing smaller as time passes.That's half the reason there's somethings I don't tell Soc, not because I don't want to tell her, but because I either don't know how or I'm scared I'll make her worry and the last thing she needs is to worry about me. Some irrelevant, insignifcant person in the Midwest who can barely sort out her own feelings much less her life.

I've realized something over the past couple of months. Somehow, no matter how a happy a character is supposed to be,  my depression would kind of just seep into them and infect them and then I'd have something as miserable as I am under my control. Maybe it's fueled by my desire to be okay or something, I don't really know. I'm going to major in computer science, not psychology. I think it started with Siwoo. He was originally planned to be depressed anyway, but after him, almost all my characters have kind of embodied some form of my own personal depression. I think it's kind of a subconscious thing, like I'm trying to sort it out on my own without even realizing it. After Siwoo, I made Taeji, who wasn't *supposed* to be depressed, but ended up like that anyway and even though canonically, he doesn't have it anymore, I think to me, at least personally, Taeji still does. It's probably something I should sort out now, but I think Taeji's still suffering from it but won't acknowledge it because of everything else in his life right now. There's his tour, his third album he's working on, his relationship with Cap. In his mind, he doesn't have *time* to be depressed, even though he's noticing it invading his everyday life.

I think Minjae is one of the few after Siwoo who seems to be perfectly fine. Whenever I reply Minjae, I don't feel an inclination to make him sad or anything, he's just always kind of been that solid middleground of "okay" for me. Then came Jungjeon and Hwanseong, and while Jungjeon was planned to have depression, for some reason, he's been a pretty tame character too. I've found myself roleplaying his more "okay" side lately than I have his depressed sign, which I guess is a sign that maybe he's getting better. Hwanseong though, I just... His depression fell so well into the arc that I had written up for him that it kind of just happened. And Hwanseong's supposed to be the deep end of it, like Jungjeon was, but the difference is Jungjeon is recoiling from the deep end and Hwanseong's approaching it. It'll be an interesting angle to look at from both sides. I think deep down, I had some semblance of an idea that Roselia was going to *harbor*some depressed traits but not have the full-fledged thing. I think she has more of a warped sense of reality and an inferiority complex which leads to her symptons despite not actually having the mental illness.

I haven't roleplayed Junhee enough to even get a grasp on his persoanlity, honestly. I have no idea what the heck he's like. He seems to be enjoying his life too much honestly, and I don't think he'd sucumb to any signs of mental illness besides like sociopathy. If he was depressed, he'd likely go about as normal, just that his levels of apathy would constantly be at 100% until it gets too much for him to handle. Asriel wasn't supposed to be depressed either but it kind of just happened and I haven't really questioned the decision. I think I like it from a developmental point of view though, but I haven't roleplayed him in awhile so. I'd expand but I think a point's been made here and I don't really feel the need to type much more after all.

I don't really know how to end this but, if you're reading this somehow,

I love you, Soc.