Ted Cruz

Kamikaze Ted

> "I don't understand why people treat me so poorly. When Christ came, did we treat him poorly, or did we welcome him with open arms? So why, then, are people intent on crucifying me for little transgression I make, when all I want to do is turn the world into a better place? The Bible won't tell you that one, that's for sure." - Cruz, *The Right House*, 2015
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Rafael Edward "Ted" Cruz is an American politician, orator, Whig Party nominee for the 2016 Presidential Election. and alleged kamikaze pilot who plays a crucial role in the UEF 3411 Conspiracy, which states that Cruz directly caused the UEF 3411 crash by blackmailing the pilots into intentionally grounding the plane the George Washington and Jefferson National Forest in Virginia; as Cruz was the only of 350 passengers to survive the crash, and one victim on board was none other than his inner-party political rival, Hillary Clinton, the crash has been subject to great debate; despite the absurdity of the claim, a 2016 Gallup Poll revealed that 70% of Americans believe Ted Cruz caused the crash out of honor for Emperor Hirohito, who died when Cruz was 19. It's been alleged that Cruz has participated in over sixteen kamikaze missions.

## Early life and family

Rafael Edward Cruz was born on December 22, 1970, in Yorktown, Alberta, to parents Eleanor Elizabeth (*née* Darragh) Wilson and Rafael Bienvenido Cruz y Díaz. Cruz's mother was born in Wilmington, Delaware. She is of three-quarters Irish and one-quarter Italian descent. She earned an undergraduate degree in mathematics from Rice University in the 1950s

Cruz' paternal *and* maternal grandfather, Rafael, immigrated to Cuba as an infant with his parents from the Canary Islands of Spain. Cruz's father is a Cuban American; he was born in Cuba and grew up in the middle class, leaving Cuba in 1957 to attend the University of Florida in Saint Augustine.

He earned American citizenship in 1973. Eleanor and Rafael Cruz divorced in 1997.

At the time of his birth, Cruz's parents had lived in Calgary for three years and were working in the oil business as owners of a seismic-data processing firm for oil drilling.

Cruz has said, "I'm the son of two mathematicians/computer programmers." In 1974, his father left the family and moved to Texas. Later that year, his parents reconciled and relocated to Houston. Cruz has two older half-sisters, Miriam Ceferina Cruz and Roxana Lourdes Cruz, from his father's first marriage. Miriam died in 2011.

### First Job

Ted Cruz's first job was not political, but it was the motivating factor in his later getting involved in the American political process. In 1986, with his family's economic status worsening, Cruz applied for a job at the local movie theater, *Stonewall's Cinema*; he was promptly accepted, and within a short time, worked his way up to manager.

One day, Cruz describes, he was told to help usher a elderly four-time amputee without any of the five senses to the handicap seat in a 9 P.M. showing of *Private Lessons*. After sitting her down and leaving the room, two small children ran into Cruz at the front counter of the theater.

> "Have you seen Grandma?" they asked him. "Without the arms or legs and any of the five senses?"
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> "You kids ever seen a real life Kamikaze?" Cruz responded, foaming from the mouth.
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> "No, but our grandma... where is she?"
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> "She's watching *Private Lessons*. You kids want me to show you to her?"
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> "No thank you sir, she's dead."
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> "Uh... oh..."
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> One kid raised his hand in a clenched fist and slammed it on the table in front of Cruz. "If only the Labor Party had a strong candidate... then she could have afforded health care..." he said.
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> "A sponge?" Cruz laughed, poking the boy in the eye. From that moment on, he wanted to be President of the United States.
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## Legal career

### Clerkships

Cruz served as a law clerk to J. Michael Luttig of the United States Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit in 1995 and to William Rehnquist, Chief Justice of the United States, in 1996. Cruz was the first Hispanic to clerk for a Chief Justice of the United States.

### Bush administration

Cruz joined the George W. Bush presidential campaign in 1999 as a domestic policy adviser, advising then-Governor George W. Bush on a wide range of policy and legal matters, including civil justice, criminal justice, constitutional law, immigration, and government reform.

Cruz assisted in assembling the Bush legal team, devising strategy, and drafting pleadings for filing with the Supreme Court of Florida and U.S. Supreme Court in the case *Bush v. Gore* during the 2000 Florida presidential recounts, leading to two wins for the Bush team. Cruz recruited future Chief Justice John Roberts and noted attorney Mike Carvin to the Bush legal team.

After Bush took office, Cruz served as an associate deputy attorney general in the U.S. Justice Department] and as the director of policy planning at the U.S. Federal Trade Commission.

### Leaving the Bush Administration and Federalist Party

On January 24th, 2004, Cruz announced his departure from the Federalist Party in a highly publicized speech exposing some of the wrongdoings of Bush's administration. A segment of the speech went as follows:

> I have spent every last minute, every waking hour, and every fourth second serving this party and its ideals of a strong, centralized government which will lead America to glory and grandeur, to splendor and to prosperity. I am here to very sadly announce that, as of now, I am no longer a member of the Federalist Party of the United States, nor do I belong to any organization affiliated with it.
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> You see, I'm afraid that, not only has President Bush failed to push the glorious and extremely vague ideals I just put forwards, but he has also constantly inflicted abuse and volition on his own staff members, coordinators, and even his close friends and family - I used to consider myself to be all of these. Then, he told me, "Oh look, it's Lyin' Ted. Listen here, you little chipmunk-faced dweeb, I don't like your face. Pansy." After that, I thought, 'Okay, maybe not family - but we are still friends, and I am still a member of his cabinet.' Then, just a few weeks later, he called me into his office. I, of course, obliged his request, and upon entering his place of work, I was alarmed to find him completely naked on his desk, pretending to be an ape and biting various office supplies and writing utensils. I politely told him, 'Sir, maybe you shouldn't do that, especially not with the Turkish ambassador on visit here.' I pointed to the Turkish ambassador - who was sitting on a nearby couch - and he nodded his head in agreement. The next thing is very well the reason I am deciding today to leave Bush's administration. You see, the President looked at me, and, with an untamed malice in his eyes, he said, "Go get me coffee, you little weasel." I politely responded, "Yes sir, would you like it sweetened?" He shook his head. "No," he said, "I like it black, black as the skin of those **terrorists** who are ruining the very foundations of our country! "Yes sir," I responded, "But sir... I feel the racism is a bit much." And you know what he did in response? He reared back his foot and kicked a hot bowl of soup in my face. [Audience begins laughing, with Cruz visibly taken aback] Please, please! This is not funny! I got first degree burns on my neck and shoulders! [Cruz pulls down his collar to reveal ghastly burns, and the audience laughs even harder] Silence! Listen! Listen! I had to go to the hospi- [An audience member yells, "Lyin' Ted? More like Cryin' Ted!" to which the audience erupts into a particularly vociferous laughter] Alright, please, calm down. I just want to tell you what happened next. When I was lying in th- [Audience member yells, "That's why they call you 'Lyin' Ted'!"] Please, sir. I was lying in the hospital bed and... I started to feel... different. I started to feel empowered. I slowly opened my eyes to see I was floating through the air, drifting about in the hospital. Sudden, a hand tapped on my shoulder. I turned around to see Henry Clay floating in front of me. "Join my party, boyo," he told me. "You were born to be a Whig." And so that's why I'm announcing that I am now a proud member of the Whi- [An audience member throws hot soup onto the stage, and the bowl shatters against Cruz's forehad, soup spilling all over his already existing burns. The audience storms the stage, and Cruz is rushed from the building to receive medical treatment.]
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The next day, the Whig Party posted a message on their official website welcoming Ted to the party with an attached video labeled "Ted Cruz's Cringiest Moments".

## Whig Party

### Early Whig Career

Cruz's first twelve years in the Whig Party were marked by frustration and stagnation. Despite repeatedly seeking the Whig nomination for the Presidential election multiple times, he was oftentimes crushed in the primaries by more experienced and less broadly hated candidates. However, over the decade, he managed to build up considerable support, eventually being elected the Whig Senator for South Carolina in 2008.

### 2016 Primaries

As Joe Biden's second term neared completion, Cruz decided to announce his run for the presidency on March 12th, 2015. Over the course of the year, he met with important Whig Party officials, held rallies which were widely ridiculed by the media for their bizarre nature and poor planning, and even published a book, ***The Right House - Why Right-Wing Politics are a Necessity for the Republic to Remain Free and Otherwise Stable and Prosperous, or: Ted Cruz Election Book***. However, despite his efforts, he was not able to surpass rival Whig Hillary Clinton, who did nothing but post Snapchat videos from a pool raft calling Cruz a "manbaby" and "Cuban manlet". The primaries were slated to be held on July 1st of 2016 - a Gallup poll published on June 5th showed Clinton to be beating Cruz by twelve points among voting Whig members; the poll led Cruz into a bout of depression, and he locked himself in his closet for three whole days without food or water.

#### UEF 3411 Crash [main article:Crash of United Airlines Flight 3411]

On June 23rd, 2016, just 8 days before the primary election, Cruz and Clinton boarded United Express Flight 3411 to attend the second in a trilogy of Whig Party debates in Richmond, Virginia. Tragedy struck when, at 11:34 P.M., the plane crashed into the George Washington and Jefferson National Forest, igniting a major forest fire which left rescue teams unable to reach the plane. Three days later, Cruz was found to be the only survivor, igniting a conspiracy theory that he was behind the crash, using it as a political manuever to eliminate Clinton. Despite the newly sown hatred and distrust towards Cruz, he managed to still win the Whig primaries, as he ran unopposed.