Hell Yes!

Hell Yes! is the thirteenth chapter in the Wombles Seven.

Sleepy Uncle Bulgaria woke up in a place with a lot of lava and fire. “What?” he said, “How did I get here?” he saw Bungo in the distance, and could just about see the feint figures of James Bond being held by the demon Mordax.  Then Trigon attacked him from behind.

“Owwww!!!!!” exclaimed Bruised Uncle Bulgaria.  “What hit me?”

“I did!” replied Trigon in a deep voice and Shocked Uncle Bulgaria turned around.

“Two demons?  Fire? Lava?  Am I in… hell?”

“Hell yes!” said Trigon then put Unconscious Because He Just Fainted Uncle Bulgaria in a large tidy bag and carried him away.

As Steed and Cathy opened the door to New Steed Manor, a loud cheer was heard and they were very surprised to see a group of people who all shouted, “Happy 50th Birthday Steed!”  Mother rushed to get Steed some Gooseberry Cider.  He didn’t hate him anymore because he had decided he didn’t love Cathy anymore.  Mother, that is, not Steed.

Charlie & Gambit had completely lost Katrina, and were now in Charlie’s underground house which nobody had been to since she stopped being Purdey. As far as they knew, anyway. “I wonder where she went.” Said Charlie. Gambit had fallen asleep from the exhaustion of chasing Katrina, so didn’t reply. Charlie suddenly realized this. “Hey!” she snapped, shaking him awake. “Mike Gambit, wake up right now! We need to figure out what to do about your mother in law!”

Just then, a voice sounded. “I am looking for Princess Charlene Gambit.” It said. “If you’re here, then I should be most happy for you to join me.”

“What?” said Charlie. “Who said that?”

“I did.” Said the voice.

“Don’t state the obvious!” said Charlie.

“Why ever not? You don’t seem to know it.”

“I demand to know who you are.”

“Somebody that nobody likes, whether I’m good or I’m bad. Somebody that you thought had turned good again.”

“Mrs Peel?????!!!!!” screeched Charlie. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE, YOU WICKED WOMAN!” The only reply was a clunk on the head, and then everything went black.

Meanwhile down in hell Bungo woke up in a cell with grass on the floor.  He hated tidying but had a compulsive urge to do it.  There was a big tidy bag next to him.  It was compelling him to tidy up.  Tidy up the one thing there was to tidy.  That thing was Helpless Uncle Bulgaria.

Bungo stuffed him into the bag, crossed the grass then emptied HUB out. He stumped off to the other side of the cell with the bag.  Each time he did this the bag made Bungo pick it up again, tidy up HUB again and stump off again.  It was never ending, literally, as this was each womble’s personal hell.  After several hours of tidying HUB, who was suffering rather more as he couldn’t move or talk, Bungo struck upon an idea.  He was using AEIOU training at last!

He asked HUB if he had any more nightmare scenarios.  HUB nodded as he was stuffed into the tidy bag for the millionth time.  “Motorbike?” asked Bungo.  HUB nodded again as HUB was tidied for the millionth and one time.  “OK, now think about that nightmare!” said Bungo brightly.

HUB couldn’t help it.  He thought about his terror of motorbikes.  The more he thought, the more frightening it became.  Suddenly he was on a huge, growling, firey motorbike! Bungo was riding it wearing a leather jacket and helmet with skulls on them.

Bungo revved the bike fiercely and rammed the door open!  Riding into a door terrified Bungo so the cell used his fear to let him do it.  The door crashed to the floor and Bungo roared around hell finding each womble’s door and shouted “Face your fear!  Use it to break out!”.  The wombles did.

Madame Cholet broke out with rock hard disasters of bracken buns.  Orinoco starved himself to the point of desperation so he ate the door.  Tomsk considered what it was like to have golf clubs but  nowhere to play.  He smashed his door with the clubs.  Alderney thought about being stuck with Madame Cholet there to boss her.

An irritated Madame Cholet appeared in her cell!  “Take these buns and throw them!” shouted Madame Cholet.  The two wombles went crazy throwing the rock hard buns at the door.  Madame Cholet escaped a second time and Alderney rushed out to hug her.

China thought about tidying up everything for everyone else.  Hell really was a messy place so she appeared outside her cell with a surprisingly big tidy bag.  All the other wombles except for Bungo and Oh My Goodness Me I Hate Motorbikes Uncle Bulgaria appeared.  China tidied them up in her gigantic tidy bag.  Bungo came roaring by with OMGIHMUB clinging on for dear life. The big tidy bag hooked onto the bike. China clung onto the bag.

Back in Soton Shansi came running up to John’s Tearooms as Constantine magically appeared there.  “You alright love?” asked Constantine.  “No! I am a dangerous woman!  But I need help!  Please!” she replied trying to look brave but failing.

“What can I do y’for?” asked Constantine.  “The wombles yacht just got swallowed by a giant black hole!” was the unexpected to anyone but Constantine reply.  “No problem love” replied Constantine calmly.  He promptly pulled out a piece of chalk and drew a twisted star on the floor with images of crosses, yin yangs, crowns and bows with arrows around it.  Then he recited his usual spell to open a gateway to hell.

“On this day, I summon the darkness that controls the depths of hades to reveal its gateway and allow the summoner to enter.  The sacred cross commands you!  The hellblazer commands you!  Disperges in ventum!  Let me be gone!”

A fiery ring appeared.  What happened next neither Shansi nor Constantine expected.  Bungo roared out on a blood red motorbike dressed like a Hell’s Angel with OMGIHMUB riding pillion and towing a huge tidy bag with China attached to it.

“Bungo!  Uncle Bulgaria!” shouted Shansi with joy then the tidy up bag opened up and all the Wimbledon wombles spilled out in a heap.  “Tobermory?  But you’re” started Shansi.  “Dead?” said Tobermory.  “Well yes” replied Shansi.  “Well not anymore!  Thanks to Bungo, Wombat is back!” shouted Tobermory as Womble Wonder, Super Womble and Fat Womble joined him.

In hell Bond was not so lucky.  He was constantly reliving the time that Goldfinger had him strapped to a conveyor belt and left him to be cut in half by a circular saw.  Each time he reached the blade he passed out like originally but then it happened again and again.

After quite a few stomach churning goes of this nightmare he finally cleared his head.  “What are you an idiot?” he shouted to himself.  “Idiot!  That’s it! AEIOU!” he shouted triumphantly. Bond remembered the original time the circular saw incident happened.  He had woken up alive then because he was useful to Goldfinger. Maybe he could be make a deal.  A deal with the devil?  Could he?  Well what was Goldfinger if not the devil incarnate?