I Don't Do Surgeries

You can't get enough of Star Feraldo, right?? Well she can't get enough of you... as long as you're not a doctor wanting to operate on her in the morning. Watch out, Star's got some sass for you!

## Transcript

Mallory: Alright.
Stacey: Hey, uh, patient is successfully sedated.
Mallory: Oh, room 113 is having a bad reaction to his medication. I have to take care of this.
Stacey: Oh, dr. Connor, do you just want to leave her sitting under anesthesia?
Mallory: Ah well, it's not like she's going anywhere. She can hang tight for a second and I'll be back soon.
Stacey: Okay.
Whitney: Escue me!
Mallory: Ah!
Stacey: Ah!
Whitney: Star Feraldo ain't no regular patient. Do I look like a portly 45-year-old, having triple-bypass surgery? Ah nah! I don't just hang tight, okay? I only stay where the action i...

Mallory: I thought you said she was sedated.
Stacey: She was! I don't know what happened.
Mallory: Okay, maybe we should just... yeah, lay her down again..?
Whitney: Ah nah! Who trying to touch Star? I ain't no Scraggly Ann doll you can touch and poke and draw little eyelashed on 'cause she look too androgynous. I don't do touchin'. Hm. Is your air condition turned on 'cause I seem to be perspiring. Ooh, this room is warm. Phew.
Mallory: How did you...
Whitney: Can I get a beverage, my sarcophagus is a bit scratchy.
Stacey: We have ice chips...
Whitney: Oh, ah nah. Is ice chips a beverage I never heard of before, because it sounds a lot like something I had once that was frozen and required my jaw to move up and down in order to swallow it.
Stacey: You're not supposed to have anything in your stomach during your operation.
Whitney: Oh, I hear you, Mr. Tacky Scrubs.
Stacey: Hey!
Whitney: But the last thing I ate was a potato and leek soup from a roadside Denny's over twelve hours ago. So either you boost my blood sugar or I get in a crinoline rush that only moms of endangered babies can handle, and go car-lifting crazy on your red fish, blue fish self.
Stacey: Oh, okay, okay, what do you want?
Whitney: Mello Yello in a champagne flute.

Mallory: I don't have time for this, another patient needs me!
Whitney: If you don't want Star here, Star don't had to be here. Star could be shopping for Reeboks with Rihanna's cross-fit trainer.
Mallory: Okay. You go get her the drink, and I will sedate her myself.

Mallory: I need to see your ID, so I can sedate you for surgery.
Whitney: Oh no. Mr. Mrs. Doctor, you ever play Observation?
Mallory: What?
Whitney: Little man with the clown nose and an unflattering butt cut. Why don't we play a round right now? Try to touch me, go on, try.
Mallory: I don't want to.
Whitney: I said try it.

Whitney: Ah nah! I don't do touchin'!
Mallory: I'm pretty sure there is no way to remove your appendix without touching you.
Whitney: Well, then we gonna had to get another appendix doctor in here. Like dr. Oz, he dreamy and informative.
Mallory: Enough! Okay. I have to go help a patient who's going into anaphylactic shock and you are clearly doing fine, so let's just put this surgery on hold, and we'll see you tomorrow morning. Hey!
Whitney: I'm sorry, I seem to have slipped into a state of incontinent, what'd you say right there?
Mallory: See you tomorrow morning.
Whitney: Dr. Mrs., can I tell you my pain on a scale of one to ten?
Mallory: Sure.
Whitney: 'Cause I'm feeling a high six bordering onto- Ah nah! I don't do mornings!
Mallory: That's the only time I have to operate.
Whitney: Oh, I get you, mr. Lady M.D., but I don't... oh, what's this? Is this my heartbreak monitor?
Mallory: Not quite.
Whitney: Look at them waves! They go beep, beep, bee- ah nah! I don't do mornings!
Mallory: If you care about your internal organs, you will make an exception. Look, the latest I can get you in, is at eleven.
Whitney: Ah nah. Ah nah. Ah nah! Now don't touch me, mr. Truffula Trees! Now, you and dr. Seuss here better listen up, 'cause unless my brain shuts down and I get artesia, I'm only gonna say this once. When your radio stop playing Kesha and start playing Two Dudes Talkin'. When a bunch of skinny folks do an event where they where they pay money to run around with little numbers pinned to their shirts. When I am not split open on this table like a ballpark polish with Di-john mustard. That's morning, and I, checking for concussion, don't, doing evacuation, do, seeing spots, morning!

Stacey: What do we do? I mean, she seems pretty worked up.
Mallory: I really do have to go. At this rate, we'll just keep her overnight and we'll operate tomorrow.
Stacey: What time?

Mallory: Let's say 6:00 AM.

Mallory: Ah!
Stacey: Ah!