Too Hot To Trot

*Check Please!*

"**Too Hot To Trot**" is the 18th episode of the first season of *Check Please!* Campaign One. It was first released on January 11th, 2020. It first aired on YouTube on January 11th, 2020, and was released in podcast format on December 29th, 2020. It premiered on the show's new YouTube channel on May 10th, 2021.

*"Last time, our Heroes prepared to set out on their new quest to stop a possible invasion of orcs from the West – or, at the very least, warn the authorities and provide valuable intelligence. They've gained what items they could and are now heading into the western frontier lands..."*

## Summary

After checking in with the Vilish military on the border of Vil, the Party members make contact with a local centaur tribe, then scout out the size and composition of the invading orc army.

## Synopsis

### Go West!

The Party members begin their multi-day journey across Vil to Vistgaart Citadel. After setting up camp on the first evening, Sol hears a strange faint sound akin to a miniature localized tornado somewhere nearby. The bard recognizes the sound as that of a being known as an Air Elemental, and alerts the rest of the Party. After discussing the best course of action, the adventurers elect to pack up their camp and continue without risking confrontation. Sol believes they've lost the creature, but Archie alerts Lovette to a whirring noise. Sol volunteers to go without rest and guides the carriage through the night, while the other Party members take uneasy rest in the cart.

### Vistgaart Citadel

The following morning, the bedraggled and mostly-unrested Party members arrive at the fort, and tiredly observe it to be in a state of high alert. Lovette explains the group's business to the guards outside the citadel, who (though surprised that word of their situation had spread so quickly) permit the Party members to enter. Sol leads the carriage and horses to the small stables, and collapses into a restorative state of meditation. Meanwhile, as the other Party members notice a large number of people inside the compound, an officer approaches them and informs them that the base's commander has authorized funds for the hiring of mercenaries to help prepare for the imminent orc incursion. Assessing the Party's capabilities, the officer departs to confer with the base commander. Lovette deploys Archie to assist the guards, but the automaton inadvertently alarms them.

The Party members do their best to catch up on rest. A few hours later, the Party members find a contract left for them, offering them work as short-term mercenaries to scout and report back vital information on the approaching orc forces. Although not a contract for combat services, a clause does provide for a bounty per enemy slain if combat does occur. Noting their Need for Speed™, the Party members leave their cart at the citadel and borrow a military pony for Markus, who for unclear reasons objects to riding with Lovette; the half-gnome ends up sharing a horse with Sol.

### Into the West

The Party members ride west, beginning their scouting mission into the Red Plains. After making progress into the territory, Lovette utilizes her ability to fly using Archie's wings, soaring high into the sky and surveying the terrain with her crossbow's new scope. She is able to detect a few small groups of motion (which could be centaurs), but no clear sign of any orc activity. Lovette assumes the orcs must still be further to the west. The Party members continue onwards for the rest of the day, choosing to carefully stick to the road. Sol, finding the scenery tedious, takes a muse and gallops off ahead, with Lovette holding on for dear life; Vera and Markus attempt to keep up, but a distance is opened between the various Party members.

### Sudden Centaurs

Just as Sol comes to a stop and realizes that they are no longer alone in the grasslands – that they are, in fact, surrounded – a centaur steps into view brandishing a pole axe. Two more centaurs (carrying a spear and a longbow respectively) appear a moment later. Sol and Lovette both raise their hands, indicating they have no desire to fight. The spear-carrying, mohawked centaur addresses the Party in the Party's language, calling them all intruders and demanding they leave immediately. Sol, replying respectfully in Sylvan, politely apologizes for the group's presence, and carefully requests clarification on why they must leave (without directly refusing to do so). Sol explains the group's scouting mission and notes the potential danger of the orc threat, and tensions slowly defuse, even after Lovette attempts to intervene to offer "free" help and inadvertently insults the centaurs. Sol very diplomatically requests permission for the Party to continue their scouting, and asks for any information the centaurs may have on the orcs. The centaurs agree and bid the Party follow them off the road, heading southwest across the grasslands.

### Remembers-All

After following the mohawked centaur – who introduces herself as Speaks-With-Dogs – for some two hours of travel, the Party members arrive at the circular encampment of the rest of the tribe, where they are introduced to the leader, Remembers-All. The two exchange pleasantries, and Sol explains the Party's scouting purpose in travelling across the grasslands (which the centaurs consider to be sacred) and requests permission to proceed. Remembers-All notes that there has been a longstanding agreement in place to permit travelers to journey through the area (provided they remain on the road), but that it has recently been violated when centaurs were attacked by two-legs, nullifying the agreement and breaking the peace.

Remembers-All explains that the attackers came from the east, and describes Vilish individuals as the belligerents responsible for severely wounding her kin. She identifies the wounded scout and hunter as Hair-Of-The-Sun, who nearly died after attempting to communicate with the outsiders, and was only saved through the actions of her companion First-To-Dance. Remembers-All confirms that a large group is making its way from the west, but describes them as slow and not a direct threat to the centaurs. Lovette asks if any other two-legs – a male gnome or female elf, for instance – have been seen recently; Remembers-All states that two such travelers had indeed been seen three moons prior, when they had entered from the east, stayed a short time, then returned the way they came. Lovette consults her magical compass and confirms to her dismay that her quarry has yet again changed direction. Sol requests permission to speak further on the matter with Hair-Of-The-Sun and First-To-Dance, but Remembers-All explains that her people are free to speak (or not) with the Party at their own discretion. She leads Sol and the Party to the other two centaurs.

### Two Bards

Although understandably unenthusiastic about any further interactions with two-legs, Hair-Of-The-Sun agrees to speak with Sol, and describes her attackers as two black-cloaked human men from Vil; from the lack of silver trim on their clothing, Sol deduces that they were not members of the Vilish military. Sol vows to bring justice to the men if they manage to find them. As Sol turns to go, they are approached by First-To-Dance, who has noticed Sol's lyre and symbols of Symphonia and clocked them as a fellow bard. Without speaking, the two proceed to jam together with music and lights and color, drawing a curious and largely positive reception from the other centaurs, until...

### A Lot Of Noise

... another centaur, positively pronking with excitement, bursts from the crowd and rushes over to the Party. This newcomer is dressed in a collection of clothes that appear to have been sewn to mimic human clothing, along with a collection of bags and satchels, multiple belts, and a jaunty cap with a feather in it. She addresses the Party in Vilish, excited and disbelieving that she has finally met two-legged creatures, and introducing herself as Makes-A-Lot-Of-Noise. Sol is instantly charmed by the fellow book-lover (and unexpectedly lifted onto the centaur's back), Lovette senses a kindred spirit in being the black sheep of a clan, and even Markus finds the scene adorable. Lovette attempts to confer the acronym nickname "MALON" on the centaur, which is met with polite confusion by the centaur and polite pushback from Sol. Hair-Of-The-Sun intervenes, leading Makes-a-Lot-Of-Noise – revealed to be her younger sister – away from the group.

Sol and First-To-Dance compliment each other's performances, with First-To-Dance judging Sol to be equally talented as herself. Returning to the business at hand, Vera asks if First-To-Dance noticed where the hooded figures who attacked Hair-Of-The-Sun went; unfortunately, she did not, but did see some kind of symbol on their outfits. Sol again approaches Hair-Of-The-Sun, who is warning Makes-A-Lot-Of-Noise to stay away from two-legs lest she get hut. At Sol's request, she draws out and describes in detail the symbol worn by her attackers: gold thread showing eight lines arranged in a broken circle, with four additional lines moving around and through it. Makes-A-Lot-Of-Noise enthuses more about two-legs, and Markus invites her to join the Party, angering Hair-Of-The-Sun; Sol reassures the centaur that no one will take Makes-A-Lot-Of-Noise away from her people.

Answering Lovette's question about her role in the tribe, Makes-A-Lot-Of-Noise explains that she assists with the herbalists in gathering useful ingredients. She shows the Party an old alchemy textbook of hers, along with other books that have taught her all she knows of the outside world. When Lovette offers to teach and learn from her, Makes-A-Lot-Of-Noise bursts into tears, raising the protective attention of Hair-Of-The-Sun. Sol hastily gives them space, dragging Lovette with them.

### A Dangerous Shell

Before they depart, Markus, assisted by Sol, approaches Remembers-All, seeking information on how to improve his connection to Eden (since the centaurs clearly venerate the deity and her works). Remembers-All graciously offers to commune with the spirits alongside Markus. After a few moments, Remembers-All states that she understands why Markus's connection is faulty: although he *was* a worshipper of Eden, he is now "something different", and only "wears the shell" of an Eden follower rather than actually being one. Markus ~~takes this information in stride~~ begins to freak out; Sol attempts to sooth him. As they prepare to depart, Remembers-All takes Sol aside for a private conversation, warning Sol to be careful around Markus and that he is more dangerous than he appears – that she senses an emptiness in him that she doesn't understand, and that there is something sinister about him. Sol thanks the centaur for the warning, and takes their leave.

### Spotting the Orcs

The Party departs, heading northwest to continue their scouting mission, with Sol now riding with a traumatized Markus and attempting to take care of him. Speaks-With-Dogs accompanies them as far as the road, and informs them that the orc army seems to be marching in a peculiar way: it travels like one large force, but with one smaller force ahead of it that keeps separate, even at night. It's unclear whether the advance force functions as a scouting party or has some other duties. Speaks-With-Dogs wishes them well and departs. As the Party members ride off, they discuss the multiple challenges they currently face, and their potential strategy going forward. Sol shares what they know of orc culture and society from their past readings.

Lovette takes to the skies again to search for the orcs, and spies two camps – one large (somewhere between three and four hundred individuals), the other enormous (with five to six thousand). In their wake is the scorched earth that marks their progress into the Red Plains. Lovette ascertains that while both groups are definitely orcs, the forward group is marching under one specific banner – the symbol of two interconnected lightning bolts – rather than the multiple clan banners displayed by the larger group to the rear. Lovette lands and conveys this new information to the rest of the Party.

### Outnumbered

Sol and Vera greet the news of the approaching force's immense size with shock and horror, astutely observing that they don't stand a chance in direct combat against such overwhelming numbers. Vera suggests that, with their reconnaissance complete, they return to the citadel as quickly as possible. Sol concurs, but Lovette is in favor of attempting to slow or hinder the approaching force by somehow turning the two sections against each other. The Party members table the discussion until the Vilish military can be updated on this new intelligence, and ride at top speed through the night to return to the citadel.

## Key Points

### Plot & Lore

* Reitburg is mentioned for the first time.
* Air Elementals are mentioned for the first time, with Beardy noting that they're often magically harnessed by certain spellcasters in order to perform wind-related tasks. This will be revisited later.
* Xeno makes a distinction between Melifera's Sting being magic (in terms of its description within the story) and it being a magical weapon (in terms of game mechanics), stating uncertainty about whether it could be further magically enhanced or enchanted outside of Melifera's intervention. Beardy suggests it could be.
* Archie's clockwork speech – Cog – is described as being essentially binary code.
* Vil's military uniforms are established to be black with silver trim.
* Beardy quips about tacos potentially being considered a traditional Gnomish food, but this is not made canonical.
* The Vilish military has sufficient numbers of smallfolk that ponies are available alongside larger war horses.
* Centaurs refer to Sylvan as "the Mother tongue".
* Though distrustful of outsiders, centaurs have a grudgingly higher regard for elves and other beings "of the forest".
* It is noted in passing that druids have their own language.
* Reinforcing what has been previously established about the reclusive nature of elves, Remembers-All observes that few of that species have ventured into centaur lands in recent memory.
* Sol's village is established to be called Prae'si'dium. The pronunciation instantly muddled, with Beardy and Screwy both speaking the settlement's name differently.
* As shown by the well-named First-To-Dance, centaurs – despite being large and bulky creatures – are capable of a degree of grace that would surprise most bipeds.
* Biff and Sol's dislike of him are mentioned in passing.
* It's established (thanks to Sol's reading) that orcs as a race "have had a rough go of things", with most of them being displaced many times by wars or the territorial aspirations of other races; wherever they go in the world, they face a great deal of hatred and prejudice. The closest large settlement of them is an incredibly dense jungle located very far from Vil, and the presence of a large force of them so far from their home is extremely unusual, as is any sort of ambition of conquest. They use obsidian-edged weapons and are keenly interested in the giving and receiving of pain.

### Character

#### Sol

* Sol expresses an interest in learning to communicate with Archie, but lacks confidence in their understanding of Lovette's highly technical explanations of the eidolon's speech.
* Sol is still on edge about Gro'h and his pursuit.
* Sol is shown to be attentive to the care and maintenance of their horses, and knowledgeable in that area.
* Sol continues to use a pseudonym when dealing with the public.
* Sol slips their wedding ring on again just long enough to see if its magic is in effect, and removes it when they find it isn't.
* Sol's lingering dislike of Markus (based on racist notions about halflings from the high elf's upbringing, plus Markus's own words and actions) once again comes to the surface in the interactions of the two characters. However, they later show him kindness, hugging and soothing him after he is disturbed by Remembers-All's revelations, and confiding in the centaur that although they are mean to him, they do care about him.
* Sol pops a Muse, at Markus's half-serious suggestion.
* Sol gets to use their Sylvan again, and their diction once again becomes more formal and high-class when they do.
* Sol is as delighted to finally meet centaurs (having only read about them in books) as Makes-A-Lot-Of-Noise is to meet two-legged creatures (for the same reason).
* Given the secrecy surrounding Prae'si'dium, it is a measure of Sol's extension of trust to the centaurs that the elf chose to reveal the village's name.
* Sol doesn't know how to dance very well, but has a well-trained curtsy.
* Sol is well-versed in languages, but also tends to assume that everyone else had the same level of privileged education; as usual, they slip into a more formal and courtly manner and mode of speech when addressing individuals of high social status.
* Sol accurately states that the Party is not a safe or healthy environment for young, bookish, sheltered individuals who just want to escape the stifling expectations of their closed society and see some of the world.
* Sol's perception of what family is meant to be is still markedly different from their own family dynamic.

#### Vera

* Vera continues to show new levels of respect and civility towards Sol and appreciation for their skills at communication and diplomacy, encouraging them to take the lead in dealing with the centaurs.

#### Markus

* It is revealed that Markus speaks Elvish, although Screwy had not yet been ready for this to be divulged.
* Markus mentions that "running like hell" is very much in his nature, although Sol points out that, given what Hildie has said about him, there's no way of knowing if this is actually his true nature.
* Markus is visibly delighted by Makes-A-Lot-Of-Noise, and saddened when she is led away.
* Markus is aware that his link to Eden is not what it should be, and seeks insight from Remembers-All. Her response echoes that of Hildie, as she describes him as "wearing the shell" of an Eden worshipper.

#### Lovette

* Lovette's heavy crossbow gains a scope attachment.
* Lovette remains the only member of the Party who enjoys using and signing contracts.
* Lovette apologies profusely for clinging onto Sol during the latter's gallop, having done their best to avoid touching Sol.
* Lovette gains additional clues in retracing her parents' steps, but is seemingly no closer to them.

#### Archie

* Archie expresses an interest in wearing clothes, after Lovette goes into a deeper explanation of her recent dress acquisition.
* Archie has little understanding of or interest in the gender-coded aspects of clothing. Good for Archie.

## Running Gags & Callbacks

* Markus, having once fought a will-o'-wisp, is all for engaging the Air Elemental in combat.
* Vera uses her Create Water spell to splash Sol in the face, hoping to help wake them up. Keni/Sol vows to remember this.
* Vera can't sleep in "too comfortable" beds, preferring the ground even to hay.
* "What the fuck is a [x]?" – in this case, a non-canon taco is referenced in a figure of speech, and then dismissed.
* "Verify"/"Vera-fy" wordplay, which Keni notes has been done too many times and insists requires -5 HP pun damage on all Players (including Archie).
* Thanks to Screwy's question about the correct monarch title to use with a non-binary individual, Sol is dubbed "Big Daddy", at least amongst the players.
* Lovette's memorable approach to meeting Gro'h is referenced.
* Keni is docked another point in pun damage for a wordplay reference to Edge.
* "Yolo Swaggins".
* As Xeno points out: anytime an NPC has spoken Sylvan, it's been to insult Lovette.
* As a break from having to name NPCs on-the-fly, Beardy is almost tasked with naming Sol's village without notice. Although Keni ultimately makes the decision in this case, the accumulated consequences of Beardy's displeasure are destined to soon arrive.

## Memorable Quotes

* "The dress does have a function: it is a social lubricant." "(softly) Eww." – Lovette explaining their wardrobe choices to Archie, with Keni's response.
* "Arcana makes me sneeze." – Keni, deftly weaving their real-world circumstances into their roleplay.
* "Archie gives you a look." – Beardy, gently warning his players to avoid inadvertently insulting the precious robot boy's adorable whirring noises.
* "The soldiers are wary of this being, and you, for bringing it here. They don't understand." – Beardy, on Archie and Lovette's less-than-warm welcome at the citadel.
* "If it's too comfy, it's not comfortable." – Vera, explaining their philosophy on beds.
* "We've done this joke too many times, guys!" – Keni, tiring of certain puns. Thank goodness the "reason"/"R'issen" never gets old.
* "'Why would we be hostile?' I stare at your crossbow for a moment. 'I mean, *I* don't normally shoot at people randomly without them doing anything.'" – Sol/Keni, not quite over Lovette's first encounter with Gro'h.
* "Markus, honestly, I just can't believe you when you talk like that. You just don't sound sincere, and it just makes me want to punch you." – Sol, done with Markus's nonsense.
* "Man, our vaginas probably really hurt." – Keni, ruminating on the physical impact of riding a galloping horse.
* "Intruders, get out!" – First contact with the centaurs.
* "Well, some of my compatriots aren't exactly the smartest, but I do appreciate their company nonetheless." – Sol, throwing down some sick burns in Sylvan to help defuse tensions with the centaurs.
* "We are in alliance with no one, for no one is in alliance with us!" – One of the centaurs, not thrilled at the suggestion of complicity with the orcs.
* "Contain your child! [...] It babbles at me in a tongue I find distasteful to speak!" – Speaks-With-Dogs, to Sol, after Lovette's attempts at negotiation.
* "Sol is really excited, because of books." – Keni, explaining Sol's enthusiastic reaction to the centaur tribe's camp.
* Screwy: "Beardy, before we get started again, I had a question."
Beardy: "Yes?"
Screwy: "Would it be insulting–"
Grem: "Just, yeah."
Beardy: "Probably."
Screwy: "... to offer [the centaurs] an apple or a carrot?"
Sol: "Motherfucker."
Beardy: "Oh, son of a bitch. Wow."
Sol: "You need to go and die." – Party members, disapproving of Markus's proposed style of negotiation.
* "My theory is that Markus is going to die." – Keni, again calling it thirty-two episodes early.
* "Okay, Markus is never intentionally racist, ever." "No, he's only casually racist." "He's just an idiot." – Screwy and Beardy, on Markus's personality.
* "All two-legs are slow." – Remembers-All, not actually trying to be insulting, but managing just the same.
* "I love her." – Keni, on hearing Makes-A-Lot-Of-Noise described for the first time.
* "I read about all this in books!" "So did I!" – Sol and Makes-A-Lot-Of-Noise, instantly bonding.
* "And we're gonna rough 'em up a little." – Markus, promising consequences for Hair-Of-The-Sun's attackers.
* "No, no, that's called a halfling. They call them that because they're only half as intelligent as the humans." – Makes-A-Lot-Of-Noise, cutting Markus down to size. So, even smaller, somehow.
* "You are a ga-nom!" – Makes-A-Lot-Of-Noise, identifying Lovette.
* "Sounds like Markus is thirsty." "Wow! Jump straight to that!" – Beardy and Screwy, on Screwy's proposal that Makes-A-Lot-Of-Noise join the group and gain some real-world experience with two-legged creatures. Oh my.
* "You're the one who called a bartender a prostitute." – Keni, noting Markus/Screwy's tendency for miscommunication with NPCs.
* "Forgive me. He knows not– he's stupid. He's very stupid. Please ignore him. [...] I'm trying to train him to be better. My apologies." – Sol, finding no delicate way to phrase their true feelings about Markus.
* "I understand why Eden has not spoken with you." – Remembers-All, about to blow Markus's mind (and backstory) a little more.
* "We're gonna figure it out. It's gonna be okay, Markus. You're still you." "Not according to her!" – Sol, comforting Markus, and Markus's perturbed response.
* "No matter what's happening, you are still you. This person I'm talking to right now is the only person I'm talking to currently. And it matters." – Sol, to a freaking-out Markus.
* "I would be careful with that one. He is more dangerous than he looks, and I sense something... sinister." – Remembers-All, warning Sol about Markus's true nature.
* "I know I'm mean to him, but I actually do care for him, stupid as it may be." – Sol, admitting their affection for the being known as Markus.
* "Sol is disappointed because they want everyone to be their friend. [...] They have this odd expectation of people liking them." – Keni, on the less-than-warm welcome from the centaurs, and with a key insight into their character.
* "Most halflings, I believe, would have the fear of being stepped on." "Or they're into it." "We're not here to kink-shame." – Screwy, Keni, and Beardy.

## The Dice

This episode did not include any combat, and no clear Nat 20s or 1s were rolled for skill checks (Lovette's 20 Perception check is assumed to have been with modifier).

## References

* Keni likens the rolling farmlands and small hamlets of Vil to the US state of Illinois, and queries whether the locals are "midwest friendly" or "southern friendly".
* Xeno jokes about Sol's pseudonym being "Alan Smithee", the official name used by film directors who wish to disown a project. He later cracks up Keni by suggesting Sol signed as "Benadryl Cucumber-patch", a reference to English actor Benedict Cumberbatch.
* A random "Nico Nico Ni!" from Keni, which will later become a recurring gag in *Snake Eyes*.
* Among the nonsensical suggestions made by other players for the name of Sol's village, Screwy chimes in with "squanch", a reference to the show *Rick and Morty*.

## Trivia & Notes

* At this point in the campaign, sessions were being held and recorded in the morning.
	+ "A terrible mistake in my opinion" - Keni
* The language "Common" is mentioned, which is understood to be Vilish.
* Keni had until this point not named their character's village while developing Sol's backstory. Foaly is delighted by this, since they inadvertently did the exact same thing with their own character's village in season two.
* Screwy's working theory about Markus – that Markus is actually a different entity that has taken possession of a halfling shell and incorporated all of that vessel's memories into its persona while forgetting its own true nature – will prove to be an excellent one.
* Beardy notes that in contrast to the usual purely savage and barbaric depictions of orcs in RPGs, he based the orc race in Aedron on the Aztec civilization – a warrior culture with a fanatical religion, but far more refinement and civilization behind it.
* None of the Party members speak Orcish.