The Noble Gases

At the start of *Cakes and Ale*, the Noble Gases' president is Ernie Partridge.

## Clubhouse

* It is on Pall Mall, right next to the Rowdy Roustabouts' building and the Fancyfree Sweet Shop.

### Billiard room

The billiards table, aside from the typical balls, also sports three tumblers of fine single-malt scotch and a few small barricades made of cigarette cases and matchboxes to make play more challenging.

### Exterior

It is an old, bright yellow building built in the Tudor style. It is festooned with gilt trim, in the process of multiple refurbishings, halted in mid-renovation each time for non-payment. The front door has been much painted and repainted, and is currently a burnt orange with a tartan pattern. A lacquered wooden plaque by the door bears the legend "The Noble Gases, est. DCIVMCD" and, nailed to the plaque for reasons lost to time, a pair of sun-faded argyle socks.

At one time, there was a bit of a city garden in the front, but it has wholly gone to seed, and the only nod to botanical beauty are some cuttings from gorse bushes and thorny blackberries set crookedly in flowerpots thickly crusted with blackest moss.

### Library

There is one. If the Jolly Good Person gifts the mounted head of the stag with the antlers, it will be placed here.

### Miscellaneous

The twelfth teaspoon has been missing from a set because it is wedged in the floorboards. Generations of Noble Gases have tried and failed to remove it.

There is a toothpick fund which is always in need of replenishing. They used to be monogrammed.

### Recreation room

It is located on the second floor and is rarely used.

There is a medicine ball, somewhat deflated-looking; two rusty dumbbells, one weighing five pounds and one weighing forty pounds; and a vaulting horse that looks in reasonable condition.

There are several jump ropes inextricably tied together. This is because they are three-person jump rope, where two people might twirl it as a third bounces about, happy as can be in the middle.

### Sitting room

It is where the bar is. There are faux antlers hanging on the wall near it.

There is a fireplace, and low and cushy chairs in the main sitting room.

There is an odd dark stain in the corner that is caused by inadequate plumbing. The Jolly Good Person can offer to have it repainted.

### Smoking room

There is a fireplace, and a green velvet chair with an ottoman near it.

There is one chair that is from the seventeenth century.

There is a mostly in-tune piano.

There are some smoke-yellowed paintings that look like there were valuable at some point.

There is a row of antique grandfather clocks that are worth a pretty penny. They are broken and there is a specific way to calculate hte correct time from them.

There are leather-bound books on heavy oak bookshelves. There are many well-bound books of literature, history, and philosophy that meet your eye. Among these, there is a copy of Volume IV of *Gibbon's Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire* with uncut pages, and a slim volume of the poetry of Christina Rossetti, which has question marks scrawled next to most words, with other, simpler, words written next to them.

There is a table.

### Storage area

It is on the fifth floor. The Noble Gases borrowed a table from the Cadbury Club last year for the tiddlywink contest and kept it in there ever since. In Chapter 3, the Jolly Good Person can aid in returning it.

### Sub-basement

Generations ago the Noble Gases decided simply to lock the doors and forget about this area.

It is unbearably dusty, with trunks, boxes, and old furniture piled up take up practically the entire room. The Jolly Good Person can find a daguerreotype of the Noblest Gas as a young man with food all over his face, hoisting a trophy and a beer stein. He reveals that is from when he won the Messy Eating Competition.

Other objects can be found – half of a top hat, cut longitudinally; an old purse with the words "orange peels" scrawled on it, which turns out to contain what it advertises; a cracked beer stein with a bottle of glue glued to it; fireplace pokers; half a rusty chisel; a sturdy piece of firewood; and an odd volume of *The Atlas of the Knowne Worlde: 1781 A.D*.

### Swimming pool

There are rings on ropes mounted to the ceiling. The Jolly Good Person can swing on the rings and break the club records.

There is a cupboard in the corner of the room that contains bathing consumes that can be borrowed.

There is a changing room.

There is a floating beverage cart, as well as a floating buffet.

### Trophy room

If the Jolly Good Person found the daguerreotype of the Noblest Gas, it can be hung in this room.

### Wall

The Rowdy Roustabouts club shares a wall that they continue to thump against with their handballs.

## Bylaws

They were written a long time ago and some never come up. For instance, you are supposed to sound the alarm if any Viking marauders swing by to sack the place, and to 'reserve a row of seats' for everyone and 'fetch snacks of oranges and hazelnuts for all' at the Blackfriars Theater, a place which has not existed since 1655.

### Chair assistant

According to Pilcrow, if the Jolly Good Person helps to move the chairs into the proper position for a meeting, they can be assigned the official position of 'Chair Assistant.'

### Newest club member

They will be called upon to open the meeting with a prayer or an inspirational thought.

### Probationary for one year

A probationary club member is responsible for small menial tasks around the club.

### Requirements for presidency

You have to be a member for ten years before holding the president position. However, there is an exception: if the candidate already holds an official position in the club, they are permitted to take on executive leadership positions regardless of their time in the club.

### Rule Number Eight-One

If Topper's money is used to pay off the debt, then this rule – which states "Thank Toppers" – is invoked frequently and with full-throated gusto within the walls of the Noble Gases Club.

## Traditions

### Free drink

The first suitably outrageous fib offered to Pilcrow by each new member shall be rewarded with a free drink.

### Small gift

The newest member may, if desired, give a small gift of some sort, to the club.

## Contests

### Dramatic Entry Contest

The Jolly Good Person wins this in Chapter 1. It means that they are exempt from Annual cleaning time.

## Orders

### The Order of The Grand and High Intimidators for Successful and Sustained Antagonistic Behavior

The Order of The Grand and High Intimidators for Successful and Sustained Antagonistic Behavior is for those devoted to pugnacious behavior, particularly in maintaining an abrasive attitude towards rival clubs. This Order grants one a pin. The Noblest Gas has been granted this Order.

### The Lauded and Most Impressive Diplomats

The Order of The Lauded and Most Impressive Diplomats is for those working to achieve a smoother and kinder relationship with the Noble Gases' fellow London clubs.

### The Order of The Exemplars of Relatively Blameless Behavior

The Order of The Exemplars of Relatively Blameless Behavior is for those who make an effort not only to cleanse the stains upon their character, but also to engage in highly non-jailable behavior, or at least behavior that the police has not taken notice of. This Order grants one a warm but itchy scarf with the club crest. Vyv Addington has been granted this Order.

### The Order of The Magisterial Acquirers of Things Most Needful

The Order of The Magisterial Acquirers of Things Most Needful is for those able to make money and acquire valuables through various means. This Order grants one a handsome bronze medal in the shape of a bulging money pouch. Tallulah "Toppers" Taylor-Fynche has been granted this Order.

### The Order of Those Most Sanguine and Soporific

The Order of Those Most Sanguine and Soporific is for those with outstanding achievements in the field of being stunningly restful to be near (for the most part). This Order grants one a lavender-infused sleep mask. Gwilym "Duddles" Dudwell has been granted this Order.

### The Order of Those Most Combative

The Order of Those Most Combative is for those who are constantly willing to confront everything that opposes them. Its members are not easy to be near, but they are irritable. This Order grants one an attractive silver pin in the shape of a nettle (Caution: pin is sharp and prickly). Gilberto Ordoñez has been granted this Order.

### The Order of the Infrangible Punch Bowl

The Order of the Infrangible Punch Bowl is for those particularly devoted to maintaining club morale and joy. This Order grants one a silver pendant in the shape of a punch bowl. Rory Wintermint has been granted this Order.

### The Order of The Most Conciliatory Olive Branch

The Order of The Most Conciliatory Olive Branch is for those devoted to seeking peaceful resolutions and contributing, both voluntarily and involuntarily, to gentleness and so forth. This new Order is made possible by a generous grant from local politician Frankincense Cygnet-Signet. This Order grants one an ivory wreath made to look as if it were made of olive branches. This wreath may be worn as a mark of distinction at all ceremonial and festive occasions.

### The Order of The Sterling Scrub Brush

The Order of The Sterling Scrub Brush is for those with various non-specific achievements and fine accomplishments in no particular isolated area, but more of a 'well done!' sort of thing. This Order has at least two classes. The Order of The Sterling Scrub Brush, Second Class grants one a dull silver scrub brush marked "Second Class" in fancy red capitals. The Order of the Sterling Scrub Brush, First Class grants one a sparkling silver scrub brush marked "First Class." This scrub brush may be wielded as a scepter at any and all ceremonial situations where a scepter is warranted. Ernie has been granted this Order.

### The Order of The Modest Elephant

The Order of The Modest Elephant is a secret Order within the Noble Gases, evidently for those who perform particular acts of modesty, such as turning down the opportunity to be bestowed an Order in favour of allowing a re-elected President his moment. This Order grants a puce and dark gray ribbon with an image of an elephant on it, free to be worn at any and all ceremonies requiring Noble Gas regalia.

## Club Song

### First Verse

It has a raucous tune and a bouncy rhythm.

> *In Piccadilly, in sunlight and shadow*
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> *A guardian of all, who is steadfast and strong*
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> *Nurturing virtue in hearts that are grateful*
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> *The grand Noble Gases, we offer this song*
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> *Keep our mem'ry e'er in your keeping*
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> *A beacon of hope that will never expire!*
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> *First in our minds both awake and when sleeping,*
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> *The grand Noble Gases are whom I admire!*
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The vowel in "whom" in the last line is traditionally extended for as long as possible.

### Variations

Following the first verse, there are three main variations of the club song. There is also the forbidden twelfth verse and a number of petty scholarly arguments about what order some bits go in, whether you adhere to the Bradshaw shift in singing the third verse before the second, or whether the tenth verse must really be sung in the original Welsh.

#### Emotionally Charged Variation

There is a highly emotionally charged variation, full of sweetness and gooey feelings:

> *I think of the Gases!*
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> *Everywhere I go!*
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> *I think of the Gases*
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> *Nicest place I know!*
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> *O! The Noble Gases!*
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> *How we worked and played*
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> *O! The Noble Gases!*
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> *All the friends I made*
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> *Walk through orchards bright and green*
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> *Take a stroll across the court*
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> *Hear us making merry*
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> *And the sound of the pianoforte*
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> *I think of the Gases*
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> *Where I first met you*
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> *I'll always remember*
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> *You'll remember too*
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#### Fight Song Variation

There is a fight song variation with a catchy rhythm and fist-pumping accompanying the "Go! Go! Go!" bits.

> *The club I'm proud to say I'm from*
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> *Makes all the other clubs look dumb*
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> *The Noble Gases rise!*
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> *We have to emphasize:*
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> *The others just aren't worth a crumb!*
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> *Go! Go! Go!*
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> *All others mimic us in vain*
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> *They haven't got a single brain*
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> *Our membership will grow!*
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> *We are the best in show!*
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> *When we compete, you'll be in pain!*
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> *Go! Go! Go!*
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#### Unbelievably Salty Variation

Finally, there is an unbelievably salty variation full of double entendres, unacceptable words, and off-color puns. Legend has it that this verse was written in fulfillment of a dare, by Aphra Behn, the first female Noble Gas, sometime in the mid-seventeenth century. Certain unspecified gestures signal the beginning of this version:

> *The Noble Gases are the m\_\_\_\_\_\_!*
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> *So don't d\_\_\_\_, don't d\_\_\_\_ your d\_\_\_\_\_!*
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> *Observe our members standing proud*
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> *E\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ in your g\_\_\_\_!*
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> *And if you join another club,*
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> *Why then we'll b\_\_\_\_\_ your  c\_\_\_\_\_!*
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> *They say we "st\_\_\_\_\_\_," and even "sh\_\_\_\_\_"*
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> *So w\_\_\_\_\_ it, sing right from your heart!*
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> *You may enjoy us as a whole*
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> *Or just enjoy our parts*
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> *So let's agree, no mass debate*
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> *To fr\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ your d\_\_\_\_\_\_ pr\_\_\_\_\_ into your s\_\_\_\_!*
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## "Welcome to the Noble Gases" Song

There is some serious debate about whether the more austere seven-verse version or the rather bawdier twelve-verse version is the more authentic.

## Official Dance of Celebration

It consists of waving hands high above your head and doing low kicks while spinning about.

Only Noble Gases are supposed to do this dance.

## Secret Handshake

Several Noble Gas members attempt to teach it to the Jolly Good Person, all differently.

## Handbook

It is entitled *Welcome to the Noble Gases Handbook*. It is a much corrected and amended document, which nobody thought to give to the Jolly Good Person.

## Debt

In Chapter 3, Ernie says that there is a debt of one hundred thousand which needs to be repaid. The funds were need for structural repair and interior redecoration after the impromptu indoor pyrotechnics display two years ago.

## Ignoble Gases

Those with a certain authority can demote members of the Noble Gases to Ignoble Gases and force them to use the sofa with bad springs in the sitting room as a mark of shame.

### A Mysterious Benefactor

This is an option if all the following requirements are met:

1. 1. The Jolly Good Person is president
2. 2. Relationship with Fitzie ≥ 60
3. 3. If one of the following is true – the Jolly Good Person has stolen the pearl successfully, stolen letters from the Cadbury Club successfully, recuperated the necklace successfully, stolen ≥ 4 times in the game, or skullduggery ≥ 45
4. The invitation is a sheet of paper that Pilcrow found the bar. It is a letter written in purple ink, stating:

"*When [the Jolly Good Person] becomes president, as I have no doubt [they] will, I am willing to assist in keeping you from financial ruin by sponsoring you.*

*The Noble Gases amuse me. You shall serve my purposes nicely and we shall both come out ahead.*

*A Mysterious Benefactor*"

Pilcrow says that this is not an offer that should be taken seriously, while Fitzie instead recommends choosing this option specifically.

### Royal Adventurers' Brigade

This is an option if all the following requirements are met:

1. 1. The Jolly Good Person is president
2. 2. Renown ≥ 50
3. 3. Relationship with Uncle Chum ≥ 35
4. 4. The Jolly Good Person has asked Uncle Chum to pay ≤ 2 times
5. They will require assistance with their various adventures. They note that working with them will be "most dangerous, dashing, and lucrative" and that the Noble Gases can hope for "at least a fifty-percent survival rate" on any expedition undertaken with them.

### Spectacles Coffee

This is an option if all the following requirements are met:

1. 1. The Jolly Good Person is president
2. 2. Revolution ≥ 50
3. 3. Scandal ≥ 60
4. They note that they have been impressed by the Jolly Good Person; in particular praising their entrepreneurial spirit, willingness to challenge the typical norms of society, and would be interesting in "leveraging their talents to iterate a game-changing new strategy."
5. Tabby strongly supports choosing them.

### Spud Nuggets

They automatically become the sponsors if Ernie is still the president or if the Jolly Good Person is president but did not meet the requirements for the other sponsors.

### Well-Bred Ladies' Garden Club

This is an option if all the following requirements are met:

1. 1. The Jolly Good Person is president
2. 2. Dignity ≥ 50
3. 3. Relationship with Aunt Matilda ≥ 50
4. 4. Scandal ≤ 60
5. They have expressed an interest in working with the Jolly Good Person, as they are "a perfect example of someone who has once besoiled but now are seeking to better yourself."