Home is Full of Vampires

## Description

With the icy peaks of Icewind Dale in front of them and an old friend in tow, The Dragon Friends must disrupt a devious operation in the ruins of a long forgotten empire.

## Synopsis

The Friends and Nicolai (Nicci) Lanston have discovered a raw spellstone mine in the mountains of the Spine Of The World. Lionshield suggests they should return to camp and return when fully refreshed, and Nicolai mocks his cowardice, but Bobby suggests that making camp nearby might not be bad idea and it would also allow them to attack the mine under cover of night. Nicolai continues mocking the group until he is punched in the groin by Philge, and Bobby tells the other Friends (in a Dragon Huddle) that he saw in his vision that he could kill Strahd using a weapon made from spellstone - but was destined to die himself in the process, which is why he's been distant and disturbed on the journey so far. This causes drama to erupt among the Friends, and a frustrated Philge suggests abandoning the entire mission and going home, leading to Baston quoting the episode title as an explanation of why this isn't an option.

Nicolai points out a central watchtower in the mining outpost, holding a giant ballista and a flare launcher crewed by two figures; and warns that if the flares are fired then Commander Brightwell will send rapid dispatch troops to the camp, so it will be essential to sneak into the camp. After camping for six hours, the Friends and particularly Banknote are refreshed, and Bobby warns them to focus on "reconnisance, information, and as much ore as we can carry out." Lionshield wonders if he can use the Apparatus, and Dave confirms that while it will operate properly on snow, it will not be at all stealthy. Lionshield suggests that he might try to *sell* the Apparatus to the miners as a mining machine, and Baston also suggests sabotaging the flare launchers on the watchtower so that they do not fire if they are spotted. Bobby decides to attempt to sneak into the camp to shut down the watchtower, while the others move closer without entering the camp, with Banknote bringing the deactivated Apparatus with them to be activated in case of emergency.

As Bobby approaches the watchtower, he notices an officer - Captain Jandall - admonishing a guard for sleeping on duty, but eventually sending the guard to take a nap while he keeps watch. Bobby begins to sneak towards the camp, but catches his white parka on the barbed wire of the perimeter, ripping it and attracting Jandall's attention. Bobby casts *Disguise Self* to appear as the officer who just left*,* Jandall immediately confused as to why he is lying in the snow under the fence, and he explains that he took the initiative to punish himself by lying in the snow. Seeing that Jandall is now the only guard, has passed the gate and is distracted, Philge darts through the gate and manages to hide behind a tent just as Jandall turns back to close and lock the gate and then returns to his office, and Bobby - still in disguise - manages to trick Jandall into handing over the keys in order that he can continue his watch.

Bobby throws the keys to Philge and begins to climb the watchtower, but with some difficulty. Philge peeks into the tent and sees the real soldier Jandall admonished preparing to take a nap and "listening to *Neutral Milk Hotel* on his AirPods"; she attempts to sneak into the tent, but is immediately noticed by the guard, and so grabs him and smothers him to death, then attempts to lift the entire tent and gradually move it towards the gate. Bobby arrives at the top of the watchtower as Nicolai does so from the other side, and they both jump in, ambushing the two guards; Nicolai instantly kills one of them, but the other is only wounded - he swings at Bobby once and then Nicolai also kills him, and the two sabotage the flare gun by removing the explosive payload and jamming it with Nicolai's tunic.

Philge unlocks the gate from inside the tent (which the camp gate now opens directly into), and gestures for Banknote and Baston to join her in the tent, which they do (with Banknote also bringing Stubbs) and they bring the tent carefully over to Jandall's office door while Banknote puts on the dead guard's clothes. Due to confusion about the location of the tent, Banknote knocks on the Jandall's door and Jandall opens the door directly into the tent. Banknote tries to convince Jandall that the barrel on the back of the donkey cart is a delivery from head office. As Jandall begins to question Banknote about the contents of the tent, Philge walks up to Jandall and begins to sing *In The Aeroplane Over The Sea* while grabbing Jandall and smothering him to death in spite of his desperate struggles, something that even Philge admits was "quite upsetting". The Friends search Jandall's office, finding a locked chest, a map of a city and a letter with an (opened) seal reading "BW". Banknote picks the chest open, revealing several jagged lumps of spellstone.

Meanwhile, Bobby and Nicolai have noticed Grizzak, a huge Ogre miner, armed with a ballista he can carry as a crossbow, coming out of the mine and searching for Jandall. Bobby tries to mimic Jandall's voice from the watchtower, praising the miner and telling him to turn in for the night; and he begins to head towards his tent, near Jandall's office. The Friends attempt to escape through the office window, but they're too slow. Grizzak immediately notices the moved tent and the attack on the office and begins to call for other guards, demanding that the Friends surrender. Baston pretends to leave with his hands up and attempts to surprise Grizzak with a flying kick, but is shot with the ballista and collapses on the ground. Philge casts *Friends*, and steps out with Jandall's body, claiming that they are the "Snow Police" and are investigating Jandall's death, but Grizzak is unconvinced and prepares to shoot Baston in the head with the ballista when Nicolai - who, with Bobby, has snuck into the tent from behind - attempts to dive on him, causing Grizzak to abruptly spin and fire a ballista bolt clean through Nicolai's body, pinning his dead body to the wall, but distracting Grizzak for a moment and leaving his ballista unloaded. Philge flies into a rage and Banknote remotely activates the Apparatus. Dave notes that Nicolai has died as the prophecy said he would: "naked, surrounded by miners."

## Cast

### Dragon Friends

* Philge
* Bobby Pancakes
* Baston
* Lionshield Banknote

### NPCs

* Nicolai Lanston
* Captain Jandall
* Grizzak, the Ogre miner

### Bestiary

* Stubbsy the Donkey That Turned Into A Mule Overnight (and then turns back into a donkey halfway through the episode)

## Themes, Tropes and Running Jokes

* Kung Fu Baston, against a chest and Grizzak, unsuccessful both times.
* Dragon Huddle

## Trivia

* Moving the entire tent around to move stealthily is a common cartoon joke particularly referenced in the *Metal Gear Solid* series of games where Solid Snake can choose to be equipped with a cardboard box to move around stealthily underneath.
* Kind of way out trivia, but *In The Aeroplane Over The Sea* is a real song by *Neutral Milk Hotel* and it's also really cool, so if you haven't listened to it, you should.

## Quotes

* "Ok, well tell me one of your weaknesses. "Guys. Philge, he has no weaknesses." "Oh yeah? I punch him in the dick."
* "The vision that I got was that I think I know how to kill Strahd. But.. I'm going to be the one to do it, and I'm also going to die in the process." "Again?" "Yeah." "In space?" "No, this time.. maybe.. look, I don't know the details." "Just let Philge do it, then you don't have to die." "But then Strahd *won't* die himself, and then we're back when we started again. Look, I'm sorry if I have been distant and a dick but I'm not going to be around for very much longer." "(Not with that attitude.)"
* "Just for me now, show me what quiet sounds like. From now, go." "Right now?" "Oh my god." "*Whisperwhisperwhisperwhisper*.." "What's that, what are you doing?" "I'm making a quiet sound." "But you could just not make a sound." "Then how would you know me making it?"

## Table Talk

* "Of all the crimes, terrible and barbarous, meted out on the denizens of the Sword Coast; none have been as bloody nor as tactile as those atrocities committed by the first and cruelist empire of man, Old High Netheril." "I was so surprised, by the way, for you to start a sentence like that and not end it with .. 'the Dragon Friends'."