Review: Final Fantasy VIII

The difference between Ericlore and this is that Eric Lore is purposable written to be hot garbage, unoriginal and a complex complexion of retardation... this however is not and somewhat of an accurate summary of actual published bullshit.....(with some xtra spiceyness of course, sometimes) and somehow got paid for this...- Author(s)

## Final Fantasy VIII Summary (SPOILERS DUH)

#### Disc 2 - The Highschool Prison School Musical Civil-War Story Arc

You would think that being impaled by a giant icicle at mag speed would kill Squall but not really since he just shakes it of like nothing ever happened. Damn what a whore. Turns out Squall just got knocked out and the entire resistance party (except the general since he is no longer important to the plot!) got transferred to a Mexican three-part-drill prison inside the desert. I assume Seifer was the one who dragged Squall agrose the dessert since he has unresolved sexuel issues with him. He demands Squall to give him the answers to the state exam he failed so fucking miserable, but he also has another motive and that is Sorceress Edea. See my children the woman with boobs to big for dress really wants to know why a fucking highschool is fixated on killing her so damn much.

Meanwhile Quistis Autism and Zell are all locked up all together, a guard literally named ''Meanie Guard'' walks into their cell with his buttfuck budy's and Zells comes up with the brilliant plan to pimp out Autism who has started furiously fingering herself (she is autistic she can't help it!!) so they can leave. ''HOW COULD YOU DO THIS ZELL!!'' Questis yelled, 'you know she is Autism and not able to make decisions for herself!' but the guards calmly explain they have no interest in Autism since they want to give Zell ''a good time'' in a far away room. ''I WANTED THEM TO HAVE THEIR WAY WITH ME!!!'' Quistis roared like a wild hyena with a wild look into her eyes. 'I WANTED TO BLOW THE GUARDS!! THIS IS NOT FAIR!! **THIS IS NOT FAAAAAAAAAIR!!!!''** as she violently fought her restraints they dragged a screaming Zell agrose the facility to a seperate room to give him a ''load'' but as it turns out... Zell is bisexuel. He didn't know it untill now!!! He didn't know he was so provisiate at blowing guards. It was infact his plan all along to be dragged out and sacrifice himself for his bro's, he shared his master race uber plan with Questis who went along with it but Zell did think she might have overplayed her part. What he also didn't plan for was that his sucking had a radation effect on the guards overloading their nervous system killing them slowly in the progress, not excepted but a welcome one.

Zell finds Autism's self pleasure nun-chucks and Quistis sex-whip and a ''fistinator'' but what's this? Apparentely we can use magic in prison!? They just said we couldn't do that WTF IS THIS SHIT WRITING@!$

Meanwhile back at Squall his butt budy pirate Seifer reveals his sorceress master race plan to wipe out all Highschools as they form a threat against her reich (this bitch is a bloody hero! She's a savior to all of **man**kind!!) and Seifer is more then happy to fullfill her wishes (This guy is a bloody hero! Why the fuck are we not playing as Seifer!?) and so his true mission as the bringer of Kira's justice begins as he leaves Squall alone with the Onlyfans guy. ''I'm gonna wipe out Highschool Squall BOOJA SQUALL FUCK YA!!'' Seifer yelled or whatever, forgetting most likely he will kill his Onlyfriends in school, I don't know, I wrote Disc 3 before I wrote this shit so stfu and en0y my w0rk!

Zell Autism and Quistis who btw gave him a good snu snu and a good spanking I'M SO FUCKING JEALOUS IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME breaks Squall out of prison and kill all the guards in the progress, with the help of literal pokemon/furry we escape prison YES POKEMOMS EXIST IN THIS WORLD AND I HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED ABOUT THE ONE WHO LIVES IN SCHOOL YET!! The party steal a jeep and make their way agrose the dessert to safety. As the party take in as wtf I just wrote they realise ALL OF THIS AXTUALLY HAPPENED IN GAME! and that means the Highschools are in danger!

Autism triggered that the Sorceres ordered the military facility to shoot rockets at her old highschool wants to go to the airbase and kick some butt, the party will split up in two groups. One goes with Autism to stop the missle launches and the other goes to OUR highschool.

Now the shit I'm about to describe actually truely happened and not even the Authors could cum up with this bullshit...

To prevent the mass destruction of the Highschools Autism is in charge of her own infiltration team, now seriously who would in their right mind let a 15ish year old chick lead a most dangerous infiltration team to take down the goverment army... I mean fucking for real? there are other much more quilified characters like A Whore (Rinoa... I forgot to mention her part earlier in the prison escape sequence but in my defense she is a shit character) and that Gunslinger Sniper dildo riding Irvine who was in charge of assassinating the Sorceress but failed since he fucking sucks. The only thing we know about Autism is that she **really** likes trains and well has the intelligence of a dog. Maybe she is Ty Lee's long lost sister since those Asians all look alike anyway.

Autism and two friends break into the goverment facility and luckily they have some brain capacity to dress up as the soldiers, now see I almost want to compliment the characters here UNTILL AUTISM IS ALLOWED TO SHOW HER HAIRY V TOO THE GUARDS AND SMASHES HER DIRTY PUSSY JUICE FINGERS ON THE NUCLEAR MISSLES! Too glarify here they find a computer room directly connected to the nuclear missles and the party thinks it's a good idea to let Autism smack her damn whore (Sorry Rinoa I apologise you're a slightly more interesting character) fingers randomly on the computer keyboard NO NO DON'T SMACK YOUR FILTHY STRAIGHT WOMAN FINGERS ON THE KEYBOARD YOU WILL DOOM US ALL!!!! CAN SOMEONE STOP THIS WHORE!!?

Three guards walk into the roam, Autism spreads her legs but they point out they want to give the male party member ''a good time'' which infuriates Autism so much she - in a fit of triggered autistic - rage - a damn power shortage through out the entire facility while killing everyone and their families. We make our way to another room to find the base self destruct button who runs on power reserve battery's... I think... and she presses it! we slaughter some more of the staff members through out the facility we discover another computer, this one will change the course of already fired missels - WAIT - WHY DOYOU HAVE TWO!!!? - Now we need a keycard but luckily one of the militia (who we tried to violently murder btw) soul has still not crushed the treshold and asks us in his dying breath... why? Why do we do all of this? The murder, the political assassination WHY? we of course answer that we do this for friendship which is a strong enough argument on it's own as he is emotional moved by her three sentence speech that he gives them in his dying moments his keycard. He gives his damn fucking keycard too Autism. She inserts some command bullshit into the computer which don't do anything since choices in this game - like life - is meaningless and miserable and don't change the inevitable end that is the sweet release of death.

The Base personal goes into evacation and close the gate on Autism and the party so they can die (YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! Finally someone with common sense!) but some of the guards who were left behind are so fucking angry at Autism that they jump into a tank to blow her up. Now this is not something you subconsciously think about while playing any JRPG because your brain is trained to just accept it but... how the fuck does a 15 year old kill a fucking tank using nunchucks? No really how does that destroy a fucking tank? This is reminds me of Final Fantasy X where the player can throw a volleyball at the equivalent of Godzilla and kill him or anytime you play as Tifa Lockhart in FF7. Tifa can punch enemies so damn hard they evaperate out of existence all together and we're not only taking about organic matter here btw I mean she can punch so hard she evepartes fucking mega-tanks! There is nothing and she only uses her damn fists. And no don't give me that ''she was trained in martial arts'' fuck you, if Barret nor Cloud can lift a 300 thousand pound sea monster then Tifa can't either FUCK YOU GAME!

We kill the tank and run around the base untill the timer is up and die of screen in a huge explosion... yeah we get to this don't worry.

#### Disc 3 - IT'S A FUCKING SPACESHIP!!!

After Defeating Sorceres Edea she comes to her senses and reveals to the Party that actually WE GOT THE WRONG SORCERESS ALL ALONG!!

Turns out Edea was just a innconent bystander who just happened to be a Sorceress who was possed by another Sorceres named Ultimecia from the future who sended her conqouisness back in to time to take control of Sorceres Edea too search for another woman named Ellone who can manipulate time which is very important to future sorceres Ultimecia’s plan to destroy space-time continuon (I don’t fucking know why she wants to kill all life except herself oké, LEAVE ME BE!) can use Ellone to go even further back in time… If I told you at this point Ultimecia was a fucking sentient gorilla from DC Comics would you believe me? Probably yes since that makes just as much fucking sense.

Now that the party knows their Matron was not evil she is scot free and can life in peace… yes you heard that people, matron Edea is free of all murder charges and catastrophic disasters and nobody else beside the party is allowed to share an opinion BARK.

Seifer turns out he is still alive and run away during the fight, somehow AGAIN run agrose fucking continents (maybe he grabbed one of those jets?) and came into contact with the local Militia and told them that Sorceres Ultemicia was now their leader… these fuckers keep switching alliances to anyone do they!?

Squall suddenly madly inlove with Rinoa who entered a coma during the fight with Sorceres Edea grieves his loss and wants A Whore back. After finding out that Ellone can time travel by showing Squall the past and telling him telepaticaly that changing the past is impossible for her Squall is convinced the past (NO FUCKING JK!) can be changed with her help and decides to search for Ellone.

Ellone turns out is hard to find, so much so that the author writing this had to do a google search once or twice, and luckily Google helped me. But what’s this ELLONE JUMPED OF THE BOAT SO SHE CAN TRAVEL WITH ANOTHER BOAT!? Yes Ellone didn’t explain shit. She just happen to go with the Esthar Military without saying us why! WHAT DO WE DO HOW DO WE FIND THE SECRET ESTHAR SOCIETY!? Well turns out very easy but we’ve to take Sorceress Edea with us knowing full well that Ultemicia can take control of her again any second now (she repeats this multiple times!) and Ultemicia wants to find Ellone… can only imagine the insae amount of bullshit that’s gonna happen later. Instead of saying NO or put the woman in a artificial created coma or chain her up or any other fucking sollution they decide to take her with them since Edea wants to find a way to mentally block Ultemicia from taking possession of her again. Luckily Esthar has a scientist dedicated to Sorcery so maybe he will be of help.

We travel agrose Oceaan and find the hidden SCI-FI city of Esthar (how the fuck are they this advanced!) but guess what... there is nothing to be found! WHAT do I hear you say? WTF Where the f\*ck is the damn city Nigg@!? well it turns out the city is invincible and nobody knows where it is... even though you can just walk past the giant invincible walls WALLS SO DAMN BIG NIGG@ AS A GODDAMN CONTINENT so I just assume the hole world is blind and stupid! Anyway the walls start glitching and a convenient sized hole thing appears in the air, we climb up the invincible wall and enter the Esthar City and talk to the City President to explain our mission. Guess what fucking what FUCKING ELLONE IS IN FUCKING SPACE! Why is the goddamn slut in fucking space, I have no idea!? maybe she doesn't want to be around Squall and his gangbangers. Somehow she is more relatable.

The city sends Squall Rinoa and a party member of your chosing into space so you can meet Ellone who is just casually hanging out there. Squall gives Rinoa to the medics so they can take care of her and if they don't well it's best for them not to sleep with their ass open tonight. Squall practically begs Ellone to send him back in time so he can save Rinoa, Ellone pointing out the obvious flaw in his plan jumps at the sound of the spacestation's alarm. Turns out that the coma patient is now possed by Ultimecia as Rinoa has become a sorceress a few hours ago. According to the story Edea has given up her power (some-fucking-how) and Rinoa is now the new Sorceress, however this makes no sense since Rinoa was possed by Ultemicia hours before this so who fucking knows. Anyway A Whore is showing of her vagina to stun the guards so she can unseal Adel from her prison. Who is Adel? well it turns out that Esthar was ruled by an evil Sorceres (Who is a guy I suppose, didn;t know FF8 is so politicaly correct for it's time) but she was such a enormous c\*nt so they locked her up inside Jabba the Hutts giant freezer and threw her ass in space and be guarded 24/7.

Obviously nobody is happy with Zombie-Ho-Rinoa when she unseals her panties and the seals on Adels prison. Why is this happening well Ultimecia wants to posses Adel since she is a powerful whore. I swear this all makes sense guys! I FUCKING SWEAR!!!

Squall Ellone and party member make it to the deck where we also learn that Squall is a silly boy for not knowing that monsters come from space. ''Squall do you never do your homework?'' but who the hell cares aWHEN THE GODDAMN SPACE STATION IS FALLING OUT OF ORBIT AND WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!!! DOOMED I TELL YA!! DOOOOOMED!!!! ADEL'S PRISON IS CRASHING DOWN TO EARTH AND WE HAVE TO ESCAPE!! Our degenerate teenage heroes grab the nearest escape shuttle. They crash nearr Esthar and the city's goverment appears, demanding Rinoa to be locked up inside a facility for being a danger to society and the hole damn world, Rinoa agrees since all Sorceress (and women) are ho's and says goodbye to Squall and Squall mournfully says goodbye back... but the power of boner of my boner is stronger and so are my hot friends WHO CARES ABOUT WHAT THE GOVERMENT WANTS AS LONG AS WE ARE SATISFIED! The party threaten the states employees at the facility leading to Squall's dick getting sucked by A Whore BUT WHAT'S THIS!? THE PRESIDENT IS COMPLETELY FINE WITH THIS!? Infact he is so fine with this he forgives them for attacking a goverment facility and threatening his employees (but who doesn't want to be whipped by Quistis AKA Sexy Naughty Teacher uses her sex-whip) and reveals to the party a way to defeat Sorceres Ultimecia... yes...

Now oké I want you to take some rest and popcorn cause this shit is wild.

So according to Science Guy Sorceres Ultimecia was able to travel her conqiouness back in time through the time-machine aka ''Junction Machine Ellone'' however the Machine has limits and so she has been obligated to possing other sorceresses, using these conduits she tries too find Ellone and by using her power she hopes to travel even further back in time to ''Compress'' all of time, past, present and future, creating an explosion that destroys all life and be it's only survivor... now if you wonder why she will do this it turns out she is pure evil and had presumable no boyfriend (Edea's words not mine) to love her and no Seifer doesn't count since she is using him! She is just an evil c\*nt but even for an all ruling powerful psycho-witch... I can't see much joy in being the only person alive like what are you gonna do, play guards with yourself?

Anyway Science Guy wants us to take down Adel so Rinoa can absord Adels power (somehow, this is never fully explained) and become the only Sorceress currently alive in their present day timeline so Ultimecia is forced to inhabit Rinoa, doing this will give Ellone the oopertunity to send Ultimecia and Rinoa back into the past, leading to the destruction of the universe, in that split second of fate before ultimate demise of the timeline they will bring Rinoa's conquoiness back into the present so she is save and we all can fight Ultimecia... Why do all this? why not just destroy the Junction device SINCE THE DAMN SCIENCE GUY MADE IT or try and find Ultimecia's grandparents and stop them from fucking? Why not inhabinate Rinoa like Adel since they still have the device and find Ultimecia's grandparents to stop them from fucking? FUCK THAT SHIT BLOW UP THE TIMELINE it's smarter to blow up the universe and kill all life since it's all meaningless anyway and God doesn't exist and we are so desperate to find somwething to hang on to you filthy fucking monkey!

the unknowable variants will cause a space-time blackhole or whatever that hopefully will lead us to the future and kill Ultimecia right there and then... yes it's as stupid as it sounds and I love it!

The Esthar President believes in the power of friendship and love and thinks the heroic teenagers are up for the task but to do this they have to wake up and absorb Adels power BUT where the hell is she you ask... Well eeeeeh remember when I told you guys that Seifer became leader of the military army and eeeeh Ultimecia told him that at the bottom of the oceaan was a giant black sci-fi boxy thingy sphere eeeh it'active and Seifer decides to attack us with it... just don't ask just don't.... BUT DID SEIFER SWIM THROUGH THE FUCKING OCEAAN TO FIND IT!?

Seifer and his crew of gangbangers have found Adels body and is ready to wake her up but first he wants Adel to ''absord'' Rinoa's power who he captured I think. We attacked his ship jadijadijada this of course backfires when Autism, Squall and Rinoa and the other party members attack. Seifer tries to defend himself but get's defeated by an interdimensional red-samuari clown (I still don't get it). Driven by his edgelord shit- I mean believes he grabs Rinoa and FOR THE LOVE OF QUANTUM FYSICS HE RUNS WITH RINOA TO THE TOP-SIDE OF THE FUCKING SHIP!! HE LITERALLY RUNS FASTER THAN FUCKING LIGHT I SWEAR!! Maybe that's why Zell couldn't stop him from escaping.

#### Disc 4 - Back To The Future

*Author Note: So during the writing of this summary I wondered how useless some subplots were like the Laguna subplot and tried to avoid writing about it, Laguna's subplot atleast takes 5/6 hours and is resolved when we meet him as the President of Esthar. After writing this summary I came to realise I was absolutely right to ignore it lmfao and kept the Seifer Pandora Black Box in for fun and giggles and really it's fucking pointless hahahahahahaha so funny*

Using the power of friendship we beat Adel and immedtailet Ultimecia takes over Rinoa, finally Ellone can end the madness of the writers by sending Ultimecia back into Adels younger body destroying the space time continuen and Seifer well HE OUTRUNS SPACE AND TIME!!!

Not much really happens here, we go to the future and fight Ultimecia and find her at her Castlevania rip-off Castle and have to fight through a series of boss fights. We defeat Ultimecia and the timeline restores iself somehow and that's it really... that's the plot.

The Epilogue reveals Seifer gangbanging some fishing man with his old classmates, revealing he came back to his senses and makes jokes about some war crimes he commited. With Ultimecia's defeat we can live in peace and throw a party at the school, everyone is there, even Edea who somehow is not prosecutated by the other students for revenge and Zell almost jokes on a dick and if it wasn't for Autism he would've died. Squall and Rinoa are a happy couple now and the world's peace has been restored and even President Laguna is now satisfied... but not in bed. Mainly because our dear orangutan overlord still hasn't finished transforming into his pokemon triforce-headed fuckbeak monster form yet.

THE END...