MauLer

> "I was gonna go to sleep but then I had a big poo"
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> - MauLer, in a confused tone, to Jay.
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**MauLer**, also known as "**The** **Long Man**," is a YouTuber whose videos mainly deal with criticism of film, television and video games. He is also one of the hosts and main protagonists of EFAP. The podcast is streamed on his main channel and reuploaded onto his second channel, and not an episode has gone by without him, whereas Rags, Wolf, and Fringy have been absent for some episodes.

MauLer is well-known for his very long review videos intricately dissecting films and television, and for arguing that art can be judged objectively, often drawing distinction between the objective qualities and failures of a work and one's subjective enjoyment of said work in his reviews. His most popular videos include his several-hours-long video game reviews, his five-hour review of *The Last Jedi*, his ongoing fifteen-hour review of *The Force Awakens*, and his reviews of episodes four through six (the finale) of Game of Thrones Season 8.

MauLer is also the first British host of The Real BBC, as well as cohost of Critical Drinker's Open Bar.

## Appearance

> "Was there a reason for the gas mask?"
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> "Some of these movies stink."
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> - Logicked and Rags, on Logicked's stream
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MauLer is a Longoid - a type of *Homo sapiens* able to elongate themselves to a massive degree. Sometimes his skeleton stretches faster than the rest of him can compensate, leaving him with exposed bones. Under his garniture he hides his four tentacles which are used mostly when MauLer goes berserk. His most defining feature is his trademark black gas mask, with its red eyes and a keyhole-shaped nose on its silvery canisters. It is believed that underneath his gas mask is a second, identical gas mask. Sometimes his gas mask will inexplicably change its appearance to that of a default jpeg of a completely different gas mask. He also typically wears a black jacket and pants, a red tie, a white shirt and a black boots. Sometimes this is accompanied with a long tan overcoat. He speaks with a subdued Welsh accent but he is able to talk like Americans or go full-Welsh mode.

Due to being a Longoid he is young by their standards - after centuries he is 27 in human years.

Previously, MauLer's avatar was of a crudely-drawn cartoon rendition of his own face, yellowish in hue and ovaloid in shape. This avatar would change facial expression to match his tone at a given time. It is believed that under MauLer's second gas mask is that original face.

During Halloween, he will take on a seasonally appropriate appearance, like that of a vampire, a werewolf, or a pumpkin. During Christmas he will don a Santa hat or become a snowman.

## Personality

> “How dare you, sir? He’s allowed to have his opinion. John Adams said so.”
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MauLer can be seen as the most civil out of the EFAP hosts, compared to Rags' more fun-poking manner and Wolf's fiery personality. He usually moderates debates, is open to discussions and will make a point to remind Chat not to bother anyone they cover. Due to this he is often seen as the de facto leader of EFAP. He always attempts to be fair and objective and back up his claims with evidence, which can lead him to be hated by many, one of this factor were his reviews of properties liked by the Massives such as The Last Jedi, Dark Souls II or Captain Marvel. He is often attacked the most by lies, accusations of being some type of bigot by association or of being too long.

With that being said, MauLer can at times act very irresponsibly, like getting drunk in a matter of hours causing laughing at the Isle of Man flag, ignoring people or taking some jabs at others. His biggest sins are his tangents, by his own admission.

Welshman also has a soft side for Aydin. They bonded pretty quickly over Buffy and Queen Elizabeth II, for her he was willing to betray Wolf, Rags and E;R during the war with The Great British Podcast.

He considers himself to be a bit arrogant.

## History

> "So, one side of the emotion is okay, but the other side isn't. That doesn't seem very consistent. Looks like you're just policing people about how they should feel"
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> - MauLer, to Patrick Willems, EFAP 4
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### PreFAP

MauLer was born 11,000 years before the 10th Age of Reclamation, as he still remembers when Goliath was simply known as "The." When MauLer was a child, he walked into the wrong alley and was almost choked to death by a Pineapple, giving him a lifelong disdain for the fruit. At some point, he and his sisters started watching *Buffy The Vampire Slayer*, which became his favorite TV show. As an adult MauLer used to work retail in a toy store, where he met a lot of strange people. He later met SmilerAI. In 2014, he made his first YouTube series that comprised of analyses of *Amnesia*, *Soma*, *Yooka Laylee*, *Resident Evil 7* and his response to Hbomberguy's *Dark Souls II* review. Around this time he also battled Joseph Anderson for the first time and met Fortea and Metal on Twitch.

In December of 2017, MauLer released "Star Wars: The Last Jedi: An Unbridled Rage" and shortly after, his full critique of the same film. Both these videos gave him immense exposure and as a result he met his future cohosts and friends - Wolf (who got into contact with MauLer after MauLer took a jab at him for not liking *Civil* *War* and *Ragnarok*) and Rags. Midway through 2018 these three encountered Jared Genesis and alongside Wolf they battled The Not So Great Debate Guy, who was Wolf's previous follower, and then Just Write.

At some point early in his life, MauLer was radicalized to the far right by watching shoe0nhead videos making fun of Cosmopolitan articles. This was a ploy by the clown that lives in shoe0nhead's brain.

### Season 1

> "Telling humans how much they should care about something historically doesn’t work very well, like, humans don’t like it.”
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MauLer has been here for every episode since the beginning. He came together with Rags and Wolf in the yet-unnamed podcast to take a look at Downward Thrust and The Forbidden One. The trio were joined by Fortea to delve into the mind of Patrick Willems, then by Al to learn about male toxicity from Jonathan MacIntosh and purple abuse apologetics from Movies with Mikey. Appabend took Rags' place to join MauLer and Wolf in taking a second look at Willems. After CinemaSinsSins responded to MauLer's "Black Panther: An Unbridled Rage," he took a look at that response with Wolf, Rags, and Fringy, in the midseason finale. The trio were then joined by Smudboy to witness the introduction of MovieBob, coming to the aid of Patrick. CinemaSinsSins was redeemed in Episode 7, and took a look at Captain Midnight's video praising Killmonger and CinemaSins' video on *Predator* with MauLer, Rags, and Wolf. The Quinton Arc then concluded with what it had all been leading up to, the three-part Quinton Trilogy. The Right Opinion had made a response to Rags' response to I Hate Everything's *The Last Jedi* video, and since Rags had referenced MauLer's *The Last Jedi* critique in his video, TRO brought Quinton, who was more familiar with *Star Wars*, into his. Quinton had previously taken snipes at MauLer on Twitter, even uploading a parody of MauLer's reviews to YouTube before taking it down when people took it seriously, and it became clear that Quinton was using The Right Opinion's video as a vehicle by which to finally criticize him directly. This concluded with The Right Opinion joining MauLer and Rags to talk about his video, and then responding to a Vox video on the MCU for the fun of it.

#### Discovery of Goliath and The Cosmic Chicken

While streaming with Rags, Wolf, and Cynical Reviews on Jay's channel, MauLer went on a deep dive that led to the discovery of the true nature of Orphans, an evil Filipino beast named Goliath, and the progenitor of the Universe, The Cosmic Chicken. Throughout this stream he was playing *Jurassic World Evolution*, as revealed in EFAP 54.

### Season 2

With Rags and Wolf both unavailable, MauLer assembled a rag-tag team of Metal, Al, Fringy, and ChaseFace for an Emergency 'FAP, to watch a long-awaited video from Joseph Anderson about why, in his opinion, horror games don't work. He was rejoined by Rags along with newcomer Cynical CJ to get their first look at The Cosmonaut Variety Hour, who took aim at *Spider-Man 1* and *2*, for all the wrong reasons. MauLer and Rags were joined by Smudboy, DasBoSchitt, and Doomcock to look at women with Maj0r Lee, then by Al and CynicSnacks to learn about *Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom* from Shinobi. Wolf returned to join MauLer and Rags in watching Taxxon's response to one of Wolf's videos. The trio were joined by Fringy to witness Joseph Anderson's views on subjectivity, then by Logicked to find out everything great about *The Last Jedi* from CinemaWins. Our trio then moved from CinemaWins to Sins, with CinemaSinsSins returning to aid in the fight and deliver some wisdom about the Spider Oracles. JLongBone joined the roster to watch the best video they'd seen so far from the fly-swatting Sarah Z, then Weekend Warrior joined them to get an insightful glimpse into the enigma that was Tonald. This arc then came to a close, what it was all building up to, with MauLer, Rags, Wolf, and newly-promoted Manager CinemaSinsSins tackling Jack Saint and Taxxon's "Long Critique Is Not Deep Critique," a battle so lengthy it extended into a second stream that required Chase, DasBo, and Smudboy to fill in for Rags and Wolf. With "Long Critique Is Not Deep Critique" deeply critiqued at length, MauLer and his gay dogs unwound by taking a look at Snowman Gaming's video on subjectivity with Voxis Productions, after which they were visited by The Forbidden One, who granted Voxis his new name.

#### vs Wolf-Bot 3000

In EFAP Gaming 3, MauLer, Rags, Wolf, and Metal played a few hours of *Pummel Party*, though they didn't expect the horrors that would transpire as a result. When Wolf left, MauLer, Metal, and Rags witnessed the genesis of Wolf-Bot 3000, a hypercompetent AI created in Wolf's image. The three suffered repeatedly at the hands of Wolf-Bot, and had to work together to secure a victory for flesh over machine. When Rags defeated Wolf-Bot, the three of them battered the corpse of its in-game form.

### Season 3 - Part 1

MauLer and Rags, joined by "The Last Jedi: A Complete Cinematic Failure" auteur Vito, kicked things off with the debate against Maj0rLee. He was joined by CJ to not learn the secret of Mario's jump from "The Secret of Mario's Jump," and watched RennsReviews claim *Mission Impossible: Fallout* was bad alongside newcomer Southpaw. MauLer and Rags were joined by WorldClassBullshitters and Geeks & Gamers to learn about the Toxic Brood, a group they had actually been a part of the whole time, from AJcaraballo95, and then by Appabend to witness HelloGreedo attempt to defend the TLJ bombers and Tonald, now Slownald, praise DMC5's lack of Artificial Barriers of Blockage. He uncovered the existence of the Madea Cinematic Universe while dredging through clickbait with The Drunken Peasants, witnessed the *Arrival* Debate between Wolf and Jay, and was joined by none other than E;R for a breakdown of *Avengers Endgame*. MauLer and Wolf, sans Rags, had a chat with The Act Man in EFAP 34, then moved on to witness more of Tonald's glory with Jay and DasBo after Act Man left. MauLer and Rags were then joined byShadiversity in 35 for a conversation about *Endgame* and swords. He witnessed the tragic origin of The Don with Fringy, RobotHead, and Al, watched Browntable throw around accusations of sexual harassment and NoBS throw around accusations of transgender robotics with Al and PSA Sitch, and rounded out the Captain Marvel Trilogy by responding to LegalEagle's slanderous accusations against The Don with Rags and Wolf.

### Season 3 - Part 2

MauLer brought on Nerdrotic for a chat about Game of Thrones and a variety of other topics for EFAP 39, then learned why Doom Eternal looks terrible because of poles and sausages with Critical Drinker on EFAP 40, After the Doom Sausage Man came on for a chat, MauLer watched Schaffrillas Productions claim that *The Last Jedi* handled Luke better than *Avengers Endgame* handled Thor with Jay and Shad, continuing into EFAP 41 where they were joined by Fringy. He and Theo learned from Extra Credits about how you didn't ask for it, you didn't choose it, but all of a sudden, you're a Nazi. He fought alongside Rags and Jay in the *Spider-Man Homecoming* Debate against Jeff from WorldClassBullshitters and Nerdrotic, then joined forces with them to respond to "How Star Wars Fans KILLED Star Wars." MauLer learned the difference between Shepherd's Pie and Spaghetti Bolognese from Shadiversity in the *Spider-Man Homecoming* Debate Reloaded, then rounded off the Spider Wars with Shad returning for the *Spider-Man Far From Home* debate, for both of which they watched HI-Top's videos on the matter. On EFAP 46 with CynicSnacks and the Blessed Pipeman, MauLer found out from ~~Wisecrack~~ Me High Cheek Sent Me High why the *Game of Thrones* ending was good, according to Jared. He responded to DX's "Modern Critique Bingo" with Theo and Southpaw and had a little chat with DX afterwards, then covered Just Write's video on objectivity. MauLer watched Browntable ponder Good Rat with JLongbone and Metal in EFAP 48, and they all returned right after to hear MovieBob defend *The Last Jedi* as a love letter to *Star Wars* in EFAP 49, where they were joined by Pipeman, CJ, and Jay.

## Powers and Abilities

* **Stretching Out** - The Long Man's signature move, he can stretch himself as much as he wants.
* **Leadership** - Long Man cares about his peers and army like a family and they follow him if they can.
* **Longmanism** - He can stream for hours on end without burning out, though he does require energy drinks sometimes.
* **Swordsmanship** - He can use Sword-Like Weapons, like sticks or The Millennium Falcon.
* **Strength** - MauLer is tall enough that if he falls on someone they'll die.
* **Speed** - He can react to many defenses or attacks in seconds.
* **Long Brain** - His brain is long as well, making him smart, scientifically.
* **Resistance to Dampness** - As a Britishman, MauLer is a naturally damp person.

### Notable Attacks/Techniques:

* **Unbridled Rage** - Rants about something for 40–140 minutes.
* **Unbridled Praise** - Praises something for around 40–140 minutes.
* **Long Critique** - Critiques something for upwards of 7 to 8 hours (15 hours is currently the targeted record to be set) .
* **"That's just your opinion"**- If MauLer dies, he tricks Death by saying the death was "subjective," so he comes back to life.
* **Helmet Collection**- MauLer grinds/farms for helmets, adding them to his head. While wearing his "rhino's worth of helmets," he looks like he has Marge Simpson's hair. If he has three helmets, he gets armored feet, which are really good on ice.
* **Maul Lens** - MauLer only watches movies through his own lens, which makes up for his inability to look at things from a political, queer theory or feminist lens.
* **Lightsaber** - MauLer's lightsaber of choice has a purple blade and a curved hilt (no relation to Mace Dooku)

### Notable Weaknesses:

* **Keyhole -** His only known weakness is the lock on the front of his gas mask. If the key is ever found, it could spell disaster.
* **Pee Breaks** - Even with his great mastery over his bladder, MauLer can't pee because of his gas mask, as it is a full body gasmask. If he does, the pee will fill up his mask.
* **Isle of Man Flag** - seeing the triskelion of legs from the Isle of Man's flag will send MauLer into a debilitating fit of laughter.

## Trivia

> "He says I try to purport myself as a god and he wants to make that god bleed... I review movies, dude."
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* Whether or not he can stretch his genitals is unknown (though probable).
* The skull of MauLer is Schrodinger’s skull.
* His meaning for Plot hole: When character knows something they have no reference for or don't know something they have reference for. A Base Contradiction
* He is one of the oldest beings that are currently alive, which include, aside from him and his family: Phred the Cosmic Chicken, Goliath, Maj0r Lee, Dadald, Tonald and Madea. He was adopted by Madea.
* MauLer has a Masters in bladders.
	+ Also, his poo is so hard that if he were to take dump of a cliff, it would crack the skull of anyone that was walking under the cliff due to terminal velocity.
* He should have a KitKat.
* MauLer prefers biscuit M&Ms over chocolate ones.
* MauLer considers *Breaking Bad* and *Band of Brothers* to be two of the objectively best TV shows he's seen, but his favorite show is *Buffy the Vampire Slayer*, which he enjoys more on a subjective level despite its many flaws.
* MauLer is a bull queer, since he didn't care for *Avatar The Last Airbender.*
* MauLer measures things with his peen, since it's longer than a foot.
* MauLer has said he's thought the world may be a better place if everybody spoke one language (not necessarily English), as it would make communications across cultures more efficient. He is well-aware this is a pipe dream though, since trying to enforce something like that would be near impossible and likely spell disaster.
* People think that MauLer can cast a spell that makes people stop liking what they like. They may be right.
* Babies are disgusting creatures that attach themselves to better humans.
* MauLer's dentist didn't like *Game of Thrones* season 8.
* MauLer is so long that he must take most of the screen time.
* MauLer will hit you with a fork if you spoil something for him. Don’t test him.
* MauLer had a pink bicycle and left it on a lawn as a kid.
* If MauLer was a rich film director, he would buy the *Wish Upon* franchise and try to make it funnier and more serious.
* MauLer doesn’t go to martial arts because it includes moving and exercise and talking to people.
* MauLer has doctor wife, since he is like Ben Shapiro, she helps him in his medical analysis.
* MauLer talks through the radio after he dies, not understanding that he is dead.
* MauLer is not God, he is a demigod.
* MauLer has 17 slave children. He has tried to cut down, as it was lower a year ago.
* He's seen the word "themes" misused so often that he doesn't want to say that word anymore, despite actually being very pro-th\*mes.
* He predicted Sheev coming back in *The Rise of Skywalker*.
* The GameCube was his first console.
* MauLer chains Rags and Wolf in the basement so he can watch *The Last Jedi* videos with them, like the casino slaves.
* MauLer got 100,000 subscribers, so now he is a real person.
* MauLer likes Jontron.
* *Five Nights At Freddy's* didn’t scare MauLer.
* Used to steal games, now he steals people's enjoyment of art.
* Scandinavian cod species-related questions are Maulers specialty
* MauLer likes *Last Action Hero*.
* MauLer is a Libra.
* favorite starter pokemon in the original game is charmander, as Bulbasaur is a plant
* MauLer never runs away from anything, if you see him running he is just “strongly fleeing.”
* MauLer hates this timeline of planet Earth.
* MauLer invented objectivity to nitpick movies, to gatekeep people from movies he doesn’t like and to ruin the discussion on art and to say how people should feel.
* MauLer is a ripoff of Frankenstein
* MauLer's new icon is the Skull on Wheels hood ornament.
* MauLer can’t take word “startled” seriously. It reminds him of that *South Park* episode
* MauLer would talk to anyone about movies.
* MauLer is the angry ranting man.
* MauLer is Wolf's uncle.
* MauLer is a critic copy of another well-known critic.
* *Quester's Fest* (*Fester's Quest*) is MauLer's favorite quest.
* MauLer likes the effort of trying to be positive that CinemaWins tries to do, but would prefers that there be a middle ground between CinemaWins and the original CinemaSins, giving a movie credit where credit is due while also acknowledging its shortcomings.
* MauLer has declared *Magic: The Gathering* a game for nerds.
* MauLer supports all free markets except the ones that sell children's organs.
* He likes gray and rainy weather, the most common type in Britain.
* One of his friends is verified on Twitter, a fact both of them are very ashamed of.
* He doesn't like the British government.
* MauLer's not sure if Rags and Wolf are real, they might be just voices in his head.
* MauLer is alt left and alt right, a white supremacist, an SJW, and a liberal. He is also Jeb-pilled
* M
* Plot holes don’t mean that a movie is objectively bad.
* has weird creature called "mobling" living there
* Favorite Nintendo franchise is Metroid
* Some say MauLer calls nitpicks "plot holes" and if you defended it on any other basis than “Your opinion is subjective” and “doesn’t matter”, you are wrong.
* MauLer is an ancient wizard in his 20s.
* Mauler with Mothra wings dressed as Mon Mothma.
* Cynical Reviews' dad is a big fan.
* He is currently either 17 or 3 years old.
* According to that guy from EFAP 101, he pioneered objective film criticism.
* MauLer's room is periodically haunted by Spiders. He has also had issues with ladybugs and mosquitos in his living area:
	+ Ladybugs are endangered (he doesn’t want them to fly in his eyes nor does he want to crush them).
	+ Mosquitos are gigantic and sound like motorcycles when flying past the house.
	+ Spiders climb onto his mic in order to be part of the podcast, but don't want to tell him the future. The second spider came to fight the first one and eventually both left. Yet another spider committed suicide by letting itself be killed by the blades of his fan. This was likely of crucial importance to the timeline, though only the spider knows why. On his off time, he walks the spiders, as they need the exercise.
* MauLer used to say "stative" when he actually meant "static." When he learned the real definition of stative, he stopped (EFAP 54)
* MauLer does not like pineapple on pizza.
* MauLer's dad said that Temuera Morrison looks like Keanu Reeves.
* MauLer doesn't know how to drive, and doesn't have a license. This is because he is too long to fit in any of the cars.
* MauLer is anti-spanking children, but very pro-spanking consenting adults (179)

## Quote

* "I can hear it but I actually have to sort of squint with my ears, if that makes sense a little bit" - EFAP 1
* "Emo's have big noses" - EFAP 1
* “Interruptions are not cool.”
* "41? Thats weak-sauce"- to someone finding 41 plot-holes in The Last Jedi
* “I don’t want an argument, I want a discussion.”
* “Tattooed into my brain” remember like this
* “In these days I barely get to see the darkness.”
* “Triangles are cool, squares are not cool.”
* “That’s just silly.”
* "Beat them and then kill yourself."
"Okay."
- MauLer and Metal
* “Flimming his flams.”
* “We got plenty to rape.”
* “How ironic.”
* “The clocks were fucked.”
* “That's your opinion... that I agree with” - EFAP 54
* “There's no leading the audience to anything really, it's just open. And some might say that's good... I wouldn't.” - EFAP 54
* “If all of the flags were personified into creatures, and made to fight each other [laughters], the Welsh flag just looks at this three-legged creature like- [laughter] the Welsh flag would just be confused, like 'why do I have to fight this?'” - On the Isle of Man flag, EFAP 54
* "We've killed guests before."
* “I could be writings.”
* “I do like the excessive pee.”
* “It happens, Rags, nature is metal.”
* “First, there is no objective way to view a film, that’s why film has any value in the first place. Second, even if there was, it would be precisely the opposite, seeing as plot holes and inconsistencies are less than inconsequential."
* "Twelve is a meme age." - EFAP 96
* "Green people are meant to look information that lazy Longmen won't"
* "Hibernation is overrated, coma is way cooler"
* "What do you call the useless skin around a vagina? A woman, neheheheheh" - A Sexist M&M, voiced by MauLer

## References

1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 EFAP #29 - RE: Star Wars: The Fandom Menace - Ft. Geeks&Gamers and WorldClassBullshitters
2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 Black Panther, The Oscar Nominations, and The State of Media Criticism ft. MauLer - TGBP Episode 4
3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 EFAP #3 - "How The Last Jedi Defies Expectations" - "Let's Talk about Thanos - Movies with Mikey"
4. ↑ EFAP #24 - A discussion with Snowman Gaming and Jared graces the podcast - Ft. Voxis the Pipeman
5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 Video Games with Mauler and Rags
6. ↑ The Oscars and the Poddies (ft. MauLer & Jay Exci's SinsSins) - TGBP Episode 8
7. ↑ EFAP #78 - RE: "Why I loved Rise of Skywalker" - "It made me appreciate TLJ more" w/ WW, JLB and Jay
8. ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmNJqR74uas