TRP: Goro and Hansel (Resolution)

**Izzy:**

 [SETTING: Day 157, after Tea and Adoption. Hansel gets back
to the castle a little after midday. Buddies have been switched around a bit
through the course of the day.]

Hansel realized, about the time he got back to the keep,
that there would be a period of time between getting there and seeing one of
his crewmates where he'd be in danger as defined by his own system. Safety in
numbers. He'd be alone.

He was less bothered by this than by the complete fucking
certainty that someone would point it out to him, and he'd have to grumble
around admitting that the buddy system was to keep all of them safe, and he
wasn't worried about himself at all. He'd already stabbed the bitch once. She'd
run away from him the second time. He was only concerned about Goro getting
pinned by her again, or Roddy getting tricked, or someone being cornered.

Entry hall was empty, and he glanced into the dining room
and saw no one in there, so he headed upstairs. Spotted the back of Luci's head
in the second-floor sitting room, and went through to check on her, and saw
that Goro was sitting near her, the two apparently having ended up paired
together at some point.

His immediate reaction was to be pleased at them spending
time together, even if it was kind of enforced -- they weren't talking, but
they weren't trying to kill each other either, which was more than he could say
for Mishka and Jonn. But then he registered how tired and -- kind of just
fucking defeated Goro looked, staring away into space.

He came up behind Luci and dropped a hand on her shoulder,
and kissed the top of her head automatically before remembering that she didn't
like that. "Hey, kid." She acknowledged him with a vague sound
without looking up from her book (didn't move away, at least), and he turned to
Goro.

A little quieter, and more awkwardly, he said,
"Hey," again. Wanted to ask him if he was okay, but he pretty fucking
clearly wasn't.

**Lina:**

 It was a mystery how the fuck you could fail to notice a two
hundred fifty pound man walking into the room, but Goro managed to be startled
when Hansel addressed him.

He must have done that thing that happened occasionally when
he was bones-deep tired and not sleeping--his mind would sort of shut off for a
minute while his eyes were still open. It was fucking horrifying. If he was
going to for all intents and purposes be asleep, he should at least be trying
to sleep, consenting to it.

Wasn't exactly bad when the thing snapping him out of it was
Hansel, though. Could have been fucking Asenka.

Goro blinked up at Hansel, reorienting himself. He'd been
trying to think of something to say to Luci. He... couldn't remember if he'd
actually come up with anything. And if he had, he couldn't remember whether or
not he'd said it out loud. Well, hopefully he hadn't been talking gibberish.

"Hi," Goro said. He'd resolved to be calm and
collected when Hansel got back. Fucking dignified, not like some sad, sick dog
that slunk up to him and curled around his leg and wouldn't leave. Damn,
though, there was that magnetism again, like always. So easy to brush off when
he wasn't experiencing it, when he forgot how strong it was.

Just one quick hug, though, and then he'd sit back down like
a normal person. He stood up and reached for him.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel pulled Goro against his chest, tentatively at first,
then reminding himself that Goro had started it and squeezing him tighter. He
looked bone-tired. Needed some sleep. They'd woken Luci up in the middle of the
night too -- even if she hadn't been running around in the goddamn woods
afterwards, she could probably use some more rest, too. Maybe he'd just corrall
them both over to a couch and make them take a fucking nap while he kept watch.
Mishka would say you know that you need sleep too, right, Hans, but Mishka wasn't
in the room to make him take care of himself right now.

He kissed the top of Goro's head and rubbed his back, and
whispered, "Hey," again because he didn't know what else to say, just
yet.

**Lina:**

 On second thought, maybe "one quick hug" could be
"one long hug." Maybe Goro didn't have a choice; Hansel was going to
be the one who decided how long the hug lasted, and Goro would just have to
accept it. Yep, his hands were tied. Long hug it was.

"You do... whatever you needed to do in Skyport?"
Goro asked.

**Izzy:**

 "Yep. Clockwork Trident's silvered." Hm. It
occurred to him to let Goro go, and sit down and try to act like a regular
fucking person while Luci was in the room, but she already knew that he was
uncomfortably clingy. This wasn't going to be news to her. He did pull back,
though, just a little, and kissed Goro's forehead. "Gonna kill that
fuckin' wraith."

**Lina:**

 Goro wanted to kiss him on the lips, but he held off for
Luci's sake. In fact, maybe he should call the hug done, now that Hansel had
pulled back a little. He could sit back down like a normal fucking person, as
planned.

He started to ease away, sliding his hands down Hansel's
arms, when he felt a bandage. "What's this?" he asked, already
examining it out of habit.

**Izzy:**

 "Eh." He waved it off. "This weird fuckin'
elf kid tried to pickpocket me, bit me when I grabbed his hand. I don't need
healing or anything." It wasn't that deep. The kid was no shark.

Luci looked their way, betraying the fact that she'd been
paying attention. "Did you buy him lunch, then?"

"Listen. Yeah, I did."

She looked back to her book, vindicated.

**Lina:**

 Goro fought off a smile, not too successfully. "You
bought some street kid lunch?"

**Izzy:**

 Hansel scowled and pulled Goro to sit again, positioning
himself between the two of them. "He was gonna get grabbed by slavers if I
didn't. They fuckin' trick kids with poisoned food on the docks. He was
hungry." Real goddamn hungry.

**Lina:**

 Goro resisted the urge to climb onto Hansel's lap or even
just cuddle up against him much, because, again, Luci. Also because he was
collected and dignified. He sat up straight, arms crossed.

"Funny story," he said. "I bought some street
kid lunch yesterday. Must be that kind of week." And if there were slavers
out trawling, Jonas likely would've been picked up by them, if Goro hadn't got
to him first. Lucky, lucky kid.

**Izzy:**

 "Oh, yeah?" Hansel gave the bandage a look-over. Wasn't
too bad for being one-handed. He'd leave it for now. "Yours bite you,
too?"

**Lina:**

 "Nah. Sweet kid." Goro debated whether to add the
next part, since it might lead to him awkwardly having to explain how Jonas had
hit a soft spot, but. "He's safe. I put him on a ship to the
Sanctuary."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel glanced at Goro and smiled without thinking about it.
He didn't say anything for a moment, then remembered that he probably should
and made himself look away again. "S'good. Mine was, uh, kinda fuckin'
feral. Wouldn't listen to me much. Told him to keep an eye out for me, though,
so I can help him next time I'm in town. Sanctuary'd probably be good for him,
if I could get him there."

He was used to being needled about his tendency to be all
soft-hearted towards street kids. Pirates -- didn't tend to give a shit,
thought he was fuckin' stupid for caring, and wasting his gold. He liked
knowing that he and Goro had this in common, though.

**Lina:**

 "Ah. Speaking of." Goro crossed his arms tighter.
"I have to go visit my mother, like I was telling you. Now. I need
to." Before I lose my fucking mind for good. He didn't know how to explain,
how when his mind went off in weird directions, talking to Amari could help it
find the right road again.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel looked back to him, frowning, gave him another
once-over. He needed some fucking sleep, and a hug, as far as Hansel could
tell, and Hansel was going to take him at his word if he said he needed to see
his mom, too.

"Okay." He stood and leaned over to kiss the top
of Goro's head again, cupping a hand behind his neck and pulling him in
slightly. "I'll go get Mishka to set up the circle. Be right back."

He turned to go without asking any questions, briefly
touching Luci's shoulder as he went.

**Lina:**

 "Hey," Goro snapped. "Buddy system. Luci,
let's go."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel grumbled but allowed it.

He tracked down Mishka and quietly told him that Goro needed
to see Amari, and Mishka's eyes flickered to Goro and he didn't question it,
either, just nodded, and cracked a grin and joked about how he was going to
have to start charging them for his teleportation services. Hansel raised an
eyebrow and cut his eyes at Luci, implying he'd have something to say about
that if his daughter weren't there. Mishka cleared his throat.

They left Ripley watching Samantha, and Luci hesitantly
asked if she could come along -- considering the Sanctuary was her home, and
all. Hansel hid his disappointment. Of course she wanted to go home.

They'd made it through the rip and he'd swallowed back his
nausea before he realized that Goro hadn't actually said he wanted him along.
They'd talked about it before, but this was -- different. That had been a nice
trip to visit Goro's mother. This was fleeing a haunted castle after having had
a fight and no sleep.

He rubbed the back of his neck and hesitated just outside
the circle. "Hey. I can, uh, fuck off if you want. Let you visit with your
mom."

Luci paused, looking back from the doorway, and gave him a
little wave before moving on to give them their privacy.

**Lina:**

 Goro stared at Hansel for a while, alternately almost blurting
out Fine, go back, they need you there and Please don't go.

When he made himself breathe and think, though, he decided
Hansel sounded more like he was looking for an invitation, not an excuse to
leave.

Or was that Goro's damn wishful thinking? He didn't know. In
less than twenty-four hours he'd swung from the extreme of thinking everything
he'd believed was wrong and he couldn't trust himself or anyone else ever
again, to deciding his gut had never led him wrong and there was no reason to
start thinking otherwise now, and he'd visited every place in between since
then. He just felt off. Unstable. Confused.

But in this moment, it seemed his best option was to say
something plain but true. "I don't want you to leave."

**Izzy:**

 He kind of hated being relieved, because he didn't fucking
want to go, but he couldn't shake feeling like Goro wanted him there because he
was still fucked up -- even here, coming to see someone who presumably made him
feel safe.

But he pushed that feeling away and dropped his hand to take
Goro's. "All right. Then I won't. I didn't want to either."

**Lina:**

 Goro held tight to Hansel's hand and led him to go find
Amari. He first tried the wing where the higher-level clerics had their rooms,
but when he knocked on Amari's door there was no answer. Not surprising, she
was probably off working. And at this time of day...

Goro headed for the refectory, tugging Hansel along without
explanation. It was late for lunch, but as Goro imagined, there were a few
stragglers at the tables, still finishing their meals. And, like he always
remembered seeing in the abbey at mid-day, Amari was there keeping them
company. Moving from person to person to put a comforting hand on their
shoulders, or to take a seat here and there for some pleasant small talk.

She was doing just that at the moment, sitting with an
elderly woman, smiling and nodding along as the woman talked. When she spotted
Goro across the room, her face lit up. She squeezed the woman's hand, said
something to excuse herself, and got up to meet him.

Goro let go of Hansel's hand to hug her. She grunted a little
at how tight he squeezed, and he relaxed some but didn't let go of her. He
swore she was smaller than he remembered. "Have you been eating?" he
asked.

"That's supposed to be my line," she said. She
smiled and waved to Hansel over Goro's shoulder.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel waved back awkwardly, thinking oh god.

**Lina:**

 Amari pulled away and held Goro by the shoulders,
scrutinizing his face. She shook her head disapprovingly. "Why haven't you
been sleeping? Come." She linked her arm through his and began to steer
him toward the exit.

"Ma, no."

"Come on. You too." She pointed at Hansel and
beckoned.

"I only missed one night," Goro said. "There
was a ghost in the castle and she tried to attack me. I'm fine though. I'll
sleep tonight."

"Yes, you will. And you'll also have a nap right
now."

"Ma."

She led them back to her room, and once inside she did that
awful trick of hers, where she went to her bed and pulled back the covers a
little. "Ma," Goro tried again. "I can't fall asleep. I've been
trying. I keep doing that thing where I get the little jerk right as I drift
off."

"Hmm. I have a root that should help with that. I'll
make you some tea. Lie down in the meantime."

Goro sat on the bed, as a compromise. "I don't want to
sleep. I came here to talk to you."

"I'll be here when you wake up, my darling. We'll talk
then." On her way to her little makeshift kitchen, Amari stopped to pull
Hansel into a hug. "Hansel. How have you been? It's so good to see
you."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel hugged her back, still very awkwardly. Had he hugged
her before? Was he supposed to? For fucksake. "Uh ... I'm good," he
lied. "Gonna, y'know, kill that ghost."

He didn't fucking know if Goro had told her anything. He
wrote her letters, on the ship at least, and he had that Sending thing, so they
might've been in contact and all, but Hansel hadn't thought to ask. He kind of
forgot people had parents. Was he supposed to say don't worry, I'm stupidly in
love with your son, I'm going to keep him safe, except from myself, no promises
on that one.

He wondered if she knew Orcish, but didn't think about it
before he'd turned back to Goro to murmur, "You should get some sleep now
if you can, shemeshi." For fucksake. At least he hadn't fucking said
chatichi. That would be even worse.

**Lina:**

 Amari fixed Hansel with a frown. "Why haven't you been
making sure my son gets enough rest?" Then she smiled, winked at him, and
gave his hand a squeeze.

"Ma."

She moved into the kitchen and put some water on to boil.
"Tell me about the ghost?"

**Izzy:**

 Hansel smiled weakly. There were comments he could make here
about getting Goro to settle down and sleep, but he had just enough good sense
to know that you weren't supposed to make them in front of people's kids, or in
front of their parents. He kept his mouth shut so nothing horrible slipped out.

But it seemed like he was supposed to follow Amari into the
little kitchen, so once she'd turned away he quickly kissed the top of Goro's
head and whispered, "Ohev otach," -- Love you -- and paced the short
distance after her.

He stood behind her, arms crossed loosely. "Ghost thing
-- s'complicated." He kept his voice low on the off-chance Goro would
actually lay down and sleep. "Wraith, I think. Got my trident silvered to
fight it." He shrugged, making his gear rattle lightly on his back for
emphasis. "It's not gonna be a problem." He wanted to say it again.
I'm going to protect him. Sounded desperate.

**Lina:**

 "Hmm." Amari pulled a small brown root from a jar,
and peeled and sliced it into a mug. She added some petals from a dried yellow
flower, and a spoonful of honey, then poured hot water over it all to steep.
"Wraiths can be strong. Did Goro or Lucienne attempt to turn it?"

**Izzy:**

 "I think Goro said he tried, yeah." He squinted,
thinking. When they talked about magic shit he had a tendency to zone out.
"Didn't do much good." Almost killed him. No, don't fucking say that,
for the love of Eldath, commander. "Silver trident scared it off,
though."

**Lina:**

 "Well, thank you for looking out for him. For all of
them. I imagine Joan's eager to rush in and take it down herself." Amari
smiled fondly. She gestured at Hansel's weapons and armor. "Won't you take
that off, and relax a bit? I'll make you some tea. Or do you need to leave
again?"

**Izzy:**

 "No, I don't." That was easy enough, because Goro
had said he didn't want him to leave. But then he had to wonder if it was
fucking rude to just stand there with his shield and trident, when she'd
suggested he ditch them. Goddammit.

He shrugged again; the motion settled him, reminding himself
that they were close at hand. "I'm more comfortable with'em on." He
nodded to the mug. "Kinda root is that? The jerking thing, when you're
trying to fall asleep -- I get that too." Also if you tell me, I can make
that tea for Goro. Actually, that seemed like a reasonable comment to make.
"We can stock it in the keep."

**Lina:**

 "Just valerian root, with some chamomile. Easy enough
to come by." She carried the mug over and set it on the bedside table next
to Goro, who at some point had gotten under the covers. When she came back to
the kitchen she looked Hansel up and down. "Would you like some now? You
could use a nap, too, from the looks of it. I'll make a bed on the floor. One
big enough for the two of you."

**Izzy:**

 Valerian root. He thought he could remember that, but there
was no reason to risk it -- he started to dig into his bag for a scrap of paper
and a pencil to write it down, in case the fuckin' ghost attacked him and he
forgot how to use Common again, but only made it about half through the word
when Amari came back.

"I, uh." Shit. Fuck. Well -- then Goro had either
told her, or she'd realized on her own. "Uh." Why was this more
fucking terrifying than fighting an aboleth? Amari was the least threatening
person in existence, and she seemed to fucking ... approve of him, or
something. Get it the fuck together. "I'm not ... tired."

Great lie. Barely slept, walked all the way back from
Skyport earlier in the day, definitely looked like it. Very believable. For
fucksake.

What he wanted to do was curl up with Goro and hold him,
because that seemed to help him sleep, but god, was that something you did
around someone's mother? Who fucking knew.

"I mean," he tried again. "I don't like
sleeping. When he's sleeping. Old habit." He'd done it in the castle,
before, when he'd assumed it was fucking safe. Some great goddamn sleep, too.
But even though he knew the Sanctuary was safe -- well, he'd fucking thought
that castle was safe, too, hadn't he.

**Lina:**

 Amari nodded. "I understand. Will you sit, at least?"
She held a hand out to her small round table, set with two chairs. "Keep
me company while he rests."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel leaned in to glance at Goro again. Fucking out. That
made him relax a bit. "Yeah, of course." He slowly crumpled up the
paper and shoved it back into his bag, and sat down somewhat on the edge of one
of the chairs. Had to stop himself from tapping his foot.

For a moment he was reminded of his regular visits to the
abbess when Jonn and Luci had been young, when he'd gotten reports on how they
were doing. Except he had never been fucking nervous about those. They'd always
amused him, hearing about what trouble the kids'd gotten into. He was the
fucking kid now.

He glanced around the warm, cozy little kitchen. He started
to say something like so you settling in here? but Amari had been at the
Sanctuary for some time, now -- of course she was. Dumb question. God. What the
fuck was he doing.

**Lina:**

 Once Hansel was seated, Amari went to work in the kitchen,
preparing a platter with some bread, sliced cheese, and dried fruit. She set it
in front of Hansel. "And how about some tea? No, wait. I know something
even better." She knelt beside a cabinet and pulled out two tankards and a
brown glass jug. "I've been saving this for the next time Joan came to
visit, but she'll just have to bring her own, I say." She brought
everything to the table and poured each of them some ale.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel opened his mouth to say something like nah, nah, keep
it for Joan, then remembered that Amari and Joan had split up -- that was why
Amari hadn't moved out to the keep, wasn't it? Was why Goro had been so upset
that day, or part of it. Seemed untactful to mention that.

"Tea would've be all right," he mumbled instead.
"Thanks." Fuck, how did people have ... conversations. He gestured to
the plate. "Ah, thanks for remembering I don't eat meat." Maybe he
could just keep thanking her for things until Goro woke up. Thanks for saving
his life when he was a kid. Wish you could've met the people who saved mine,
but I killed all of'em.

**Lina:**

 "Of course. I've missed your vegetable stew. Hm, maybe
I can conscript you into helping me cook tonight." She sipped her beer,
eyebrows raised.

**Izzy:**

 Thank Eldath. Something he could talk about. "Yeah.
Dunno how long we're staying, but." He glanced towards Goro again.
"Long as he wants, I guess. Luci told me you've got great gardens, here.
Greenhouses and shit."

**Lina:**

 "Oh, yes. It's lovely. Goro tells me you have a
wonderful garden at the castle, too. Waiting for me to come and tend it. Or
maybe he just said that to lure me there." She smiled.

**Izzy:**

 He grinned. "I mean, I'm workin' on it. Got a lotta
farmland. Overgrown, right now." Would it be fuckin' weird to say --
"I remembered you garden. Thought you'd like it."

**Lina:**

 "That's very sweet of you, Hansel. Thank you." He
hadn't touched the food. Amari chose a piece of cheese and nibbled on it.
"It's good cheese. Try it and tell me what you think."

**Izzy:**

 Hm. He hadn't eaten in -- well, not since Skyport, and not
much then, and that had been the only thing he'd eaten at all. He probably
should be hungry, but when he was on high alert he tended to forget he needed
food.

Sanctuary, though. No reason to be on alert. He should
relax. Fuckin' rude to not eat Amari's food, anyway. He cleared his throat and
shifted. "Right." He took a bite. Good cheese -- pleasantly sharp,
little sweet, musky. "S'good. Goat?"

**Lina:**

 "Mhm. It goes well with the dried apricot." She
took one herself and ate them together.

**Izzy:**

 "Hmm." She was trying to get him to keep eating.
He tried an apricot because it seemed shitty not to, but preferred the bread
and cheese, picked at it and drank the ale. Still didn't have any appetite for
it. One heel tapped quietly against the floor.

**Lina:**

 She let them sit in companionable silence for a while,
waiting until he was halfway through his tankard. Then she refilled it from the
jug. "Is he treating you well?"

**Izzy:**

 Hansel blinked at her in blank confusion. "Yeah. He's
fuckin' great." He put another piece of bread in his mouth, then decided
he needed to say more and talked around it. "I mean ... good fuckin' job.
With that."

**Lina:**

 "Ah, good. I worry about him. He tries to sabotage himself,
sometimes, when he finds happiness, because he's so afraid of losing it. I'm
not sure he's even aware he's doing it, although I've tried to point it out to
him. Always, always, he has some explanation for why he's acting the way he is,
and he never thinks it's fear. Doesn't admit to it, anyway."

**Izzy:**

 "Ah." He stared at her. "Yeah," he said
slowly. "He said something to me about ... something like that. He knows,
I think. A bit. He's, uh, pretty fucking stubborn, though. We both are. That
helps."

**Lina:**

 She smiled. "Good. That's good for him. We stubborn
types need some stubbornness in return, I think, to really thrive." She
sipped her drink. "And are you treating him well?"

**Izzy:**

 "Ah," Hansel said again, which was not an answer.
He stopped eating, stopped fidgeting. "I'm ... trying."

He considered the possibility that if she asked Goro, he might
tell her everything Hansel had done wrong, which was a fucking lot, and then
he'd be a fucking liar on top of someone who shoved Goro around and threatened
him for no goddamn reason. Or, worse, that Goro might look at her blankly and
say, Yeah, he's fuckin' great.

The fuck was he supposed to say? I'm trying was honest, at
least. "Dunno if I'm -- doing a great job," he muttered.
"Trying, though."

**Lina:**

 She nodded, her eyes sad. "That's all any of us can
really do, you know. We keep trying." She reached over the table to
squeeze his hand. "Tell me one thing. Do you find him difficult to
love?"

**Izzy:**

 "No." He gave her a puzzled look. He briefly
thought Does it matter if I love him? Isn't it more important that I'm fucking
good for him, good to him? I can love him and still fuck him over. Trust me.
I'd know.

Wasn't what she was asking, though.

"I --." Fuck, he was going to start saying things.
"I felt like -- it was a fucking tidal wave. You know -- when you see one
coming, but you think -- it's just a small wave. It won't fucking knock me over
and half drown me. But then it reaches you and that's exactly what it fucking
does, and you think, for fucksake, why didn't I see that coming?" He
tapped at the table, staring at his hand. "How did I not see something so
fucking important? And the waves keep ... fucking hitting me, every time I look
at him, and --." He laughed at himself nervously. "And I love the
ocean," he said, and then, "And I love him. No, it's not -- it's the
easiest fucking thing."

**Lina:**

 Amari nodded as he spoke, looking like she was on the verge
of both crying and smiling. "Several years ago," she said after a
moment, "another cleric, a woman I'd always admired, said to me--you're
doing a good thing with him. He's not an easy one to love. She meant well, but
oh." Amari shook her head. "It broke my heart. What a sad thing to
say about someone, that they're not easy to love. Can you imagine? What a
horrible and lonely existence, if that were true." She dabbed at the
corners of her eyes. "I didn't understand it. I thought loving him was the
easiest thing in the world. I loved him more every day. And I've always just
hoped he'd find someone else who agreed with me. So, good, Hansel. I'm
glad." She squeezed his hand again. "Thank you. That's all I wanted
to know."

**Izzy:**

 "Fuck that cleric," Hansel blurted.

**Lina:**

 Amari laughed. "Well..." She frowned thoughtfully.
"I think she's one of the ones Goro plans to murder, someday."

**Izzy:**

 He picked at the table idly. "Hmm. I probably shouldn't
tell you I'd help, right."

**Lina:**

 "Oh, I'll pretend I heard nothing. Just like I pretend
to hear nothing of Goro's detailed descriptions for what he'd like to do to a
certain archbishop."

**Izzy:**

 He laughed again, awkwardly. "Good to know." Must
be where Goro got his thing about snitching. In part, at least. "Hey, ah.
Do you speak Orcish?"

**Lina:**

 "I do, though not as well as Common or Elvish."

**Izzy:**

 He cleared his throat. "Great. Was just ...
curious." Shemeshi, he'd said. My sun. Mine. Fucking embarrassing. If she
didn't know it that well maybe she'd just think he'd said -- sunshine, or
something. Not caught the possessive. God.

**Lina:**

 "Goro speaks it too, though I suppose you already know.
He learned it on the streets, before he came to the Church."

**Izzy:**

 "I didn't know that." He played absently with a
piece of bread, considered tearing it up, the way Mishka did. "About him
learning it on the streets, I mean." Meant he'd learned it young, Hansel
supposed. Explained why he was so fluent.

**Lina:**

 "He's always been a quick learner. When the paladins
first picked him up he could barely read or write, but after a few months at
the abbey he could read any book in Common I gave to him. Then he learned
Celestial, as most of us do--well, you know, of course, you've got your daughter.
And he also picked up Infernal, mostly so he could do more of the research he
was pretending not to do. Pact magic, and those sorts of things." She
shook her head. "I always thought that was just an idle interest of his,
nothing to worry about. I thought it was cute, even. I have to admit I had
an... unpleasant surprise, with the Diva monster. But everything turned out
alright in the end."

**Izzy:**

 "Mm, yeah." He popped the bread into his mouth,
finally. "Don't, uh ... I don't think he's got much interest in that kinda
shit anymore." A few months. Eldath. And Hansel knew it was harder to pick
this shit up, after a certain age -- he'd had a worse time with Orcish than
Dwarvish, because he'd learned it later on. Similar languages, too. Infernal
wasn't anything like Common, or Elvish, or anything, as far as he'd been able
to tell.

Fucking amazing, he thought about saying. He got the
distinct impression Amari would agree with him. "The language thing,
though. That's fuckin' impressive. I picked up Dwarvish, when I was a pirate,
and he doesn't know that one." He was fidgeting, again. "You think
he'd like me to teach him? I know he likes -- learning shit, y'know."

**Lina:**

 "Oh, I'm sure he would, yes. Dwarvish, really? That's
interesting. Not many people speak it anymore."

**Izzy:**

 "Yeah. Had a, uh, passenger --." He hesitated.
He'd already brought up the pirate thing. "Nah, I mean, she was a captive.
For a bit. We were at sea for months -- was fuckin' boring. She taught me the
basics."

**Lina:**

 "Months. Oh my. I suppose I'd be bored enough to teach
my captors another language, too." She refilled her tankard and offered
the jug to Hansel. "More?"

**Izzy:**

 He glanced at his glass. "I'm good. Oughta save some
for Joan." He really wanted to fucking ask what the deal was, with them,
but it wasn't his place to. He barely knew Amari and he was decently sure
Ripley didn't care for him that much, anymore. But he could ask something
different. "So -- d'you plan to leave the Sanctuary? Come out to
Glimmerton?"

**Lina:**

 "Mm. I've... been considering it." She gazed into
her cup, for the first time seeming too uncomfortable to meet Hansel's eye.
"I'm happy here. I'm able to help so many people. But I know it would mean
a lot to Goro if I came. And I did enjoy my time living on the ship with you
all. Don't say anything to Goro, though. I don't want to get his hopes
up."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel watched her for a moment, then nodded. He'd take it.
It was better than a no. "I'll keep working on the garden, then. Get it
ready for you."

**Lina:**

 Amari beamed at him. "Oh, you're too sweet. You have a
generous heart, Hansel. Do you know that about yourself?"

**Izzy:**

 He scuffed his boot against the floor. "Hm."
Wasn't sweet. It was a bribe. He was a pirate. Goddammit.

**Lina:**

 "So that's a no, I take it." She patted his arm.
"That's fine. It will go on being true, whether you know it or not."

**Izzy:**

 He hm'd again and filled his mouth with bread and cheese so
that he wouldn't have to say anything.

**Lina:**

 Goro woke up gasping and dragged the covers off his face. Amari's
room. Daylight still. A swirling mixture of relief and lingering panic. He
pinched himself a few times to make sure the dreaming was really over.

He crawled out of bed and padded over to where Amari and Hansel
were sitting. Stopped when he was still a few feet away, out of arm's reach
from both of them. He eyed them both, half expecting them to turn into
monsters, not trusting that he was really awake.

"Ma. You didn't tell me that stuff would give me nightmares."

"It doesn't. I think you must have just had
nightmares." Amari watched him for a moment. "Goro, you're safe right
now."

"Mm."

"Tell me why you feel unsafe. Not the dream, but right
now. What do you think is going to hurt you?"

He crossed his arms and looked at the floor. Not getting into
it.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel swallowed. He wanted to ask, again, Should I leave?
Wanted to grab Goro and hug him, too. Didn't know if either of those things
would help. He just wanted wanted to tell Goro, Whatever you need, I'll fucking
do it, but I'm in the dark here, you have to help me -- but it wasn't like he
was that goddamn great at telling people what he needed, either.

Compromise. He stood up slowly and took a step closer to
Goro, made himself not cross his arms, too, even though he wanted to. Made it
easier, if he closed himself off, first. He missed the way Goro had shoved into
his arms, before, whether he'd acted like he wanted him to or not.

"Hey," he said quietly. "You said you needed
to talk to her. I can still fuck off if you want." He nodded towards the
door. "I can just wait outside. I'll be there when you're done."

**Lina:**

 "No." Goro reached out and grabbed a fistful of
Hansel's shirt, like that would be enough to hold him in place.

Maybe Hansel had a point, though. Maybe Goro did need to
talk to her alone. Help me, Ma. Fix me.

He didn't want Hansel to leave, though. He wanted the same
thing he always wanted, scary fucking dreams or no. He took two steps closer
and pressed himself against Hansel's chest.

**Izzy:**

 "Okay." Hansel wrapped him up without a second
thought. Without a first one, really. "Okay. I just --." Just have to
keep asking. Just have to be sure. Just checking in. Keep telling me I'm
wanted. I'm fucking needy.

He kissed Goro's hair. "Sorry you had nightmares,
ahuv."

**Lina:**

 "I'm hungry," he mumbled against Hansel. Partly
because it was easier than addressing the nightmares, and partly because it was
fucking true; he hadn't eaten anything since last night.

"There's bread and cheese," Amari offered.
"And some dried apricots."

Goro turned his head to look at the food, but made no move
to pull away and get it. If he could somehow will it directly into his stomach,
that would be best.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel pulled him over to the table, without letting go of
him at all -- sat down and didn't give Goro any option but to sit in his lap.
He stacked a slice of cheese on a bit of bread, one-handed -- the other arm
still around Goro -- and held it up to Goro's mouth, looking at him
expectantly.

This felt vaguely inappropriate, in front of Amari, but he
went on instinct. Goro needed to eat. Also needed to be held. There was a
solution to the problem.

**Lina:**

 Goro opened his mouth obediently and ate the food. Amari
smiled and got up to busy herself in the kitchen, bringing out the pots and
pans she would need to cook dinner.

That bit of bread and cheese only made Goro feel hungrier,
so he leaned over and gathered up two handfuls of everything, then leaned back
against Hansel and started popping bites into his mouth. "What'd you guys
talk about?" he asked while he chewed.

**Izzy:**

 "Hmm. Things." He pressed his lips to Goro's
shoulder and looped both arms around his waist, since he was eating on his own.
"Important things. She told me you taught yourself Infernal."

**Lina:**

 "Mm. I guess." He shoved the last of the food in
his mouth. Picked up the tankard Hansel had been drinking from, sniffed the
contents, and set it back down.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel unhooked his waterskin from his belt and held it up.

**Lina:**

 Goro accepted it, then courteously finished chewing and
swallowing before he took a swig. When he'd satisfied himself he handed it back
to Hansel, looped his arms around Hansel's waist, and rested against him.

Amari hummed to herself as she began chopping vegetables.
"I was hoping for Hansel's assistance," she said, "but it seems
he's busy at the moment."

"Ma," Goro said. "No turnips."

"Goro, you have hated turnips for the entire fifteen
years I've known you. I promise you I did not assume you suddenly started
liking them."

"No meat, either."

"I know, sweetheart."

Goro shifted against Hansel to get more comfortable. But it
still wasn't as comfortable as it had been two days ago, and he wasn't sure how
to fix that. It felt like there was something in between them; something thin,
but rigid, where before Goro had felt like he could just melt into him, no
barrier.

It was all in his damn head, he knew, but that made it all
the more frustrating. You couldn't shift around things in your head; couldn't
grab them and toss them away. Not easily, anyway.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel re-fixed his waterskin and pull Goro tighter against
him for a moment, then relaxed.

This was still fucking weird to him. Was this a normal thing
to do? Was this what -- people did, just fucking hung around with their
partner's mom, said they'd help her cook dinner but then got too busy cuddling
in the kitchen instead? And she didn't even seem to fuckin' mind it. The look
she'd given him, before -- she seemed genuinely fucking pleased about all of
this. Hansel's gut told him he needed to explain things to her, set her right,
say he was doing his best and his best wasn't good enough for Goro, and he
needed her help to make sure that Goro would be all right when Hansel fucked up
again. She needed to move to the castle so Goro would have somewhere to run to
other than the fucking woods.

Or he could just ... figure out how to enjoy this. He was less
tense and uncertain now that Goro was awake again, shifted to lean his shield
back against the back of the chair, get a bit more comfortable. He wanted to
enjoy it. It was just so goddamn foreign to him that it felt like a dangerous
situation.

He tried to find something that'd settle him. "Hey,
Amari. Could I get your chocolate cake recipe, later?"

**Lina:**

 "Hmm, whatever for? A certain someone's birthday? I
never actually baked any cakes. I would just buy them from the bakery and tell
Goro I made them myself."

"What?"

Amari grinned at them. "Yes, Hansel, I would be happy
to give you the recipe. But there's a secret ingredient you have to promise not
to tell anyone about."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel snorted at Goro's reaction. "Don't worry.
Pirates tell no tales, ba'ali."

**Lina:**

 "Not even my fucking birthday," Goro muttered.
Damn, he wanted that cake, though.

**Izzy:**

 "S'too bad, ain't it." Hansel kissed the side of
his head. "Guess you just get cake for no reason."

**Lina:**

 "That's... fine, I guess." He thought about Hansel
teasing him about it in bed the other day. How he used up two rounds of the
Three Questions game just to ask him about cake. Remembering that whole
afternoon made Goro's heart ache, but maybe it didn't need to. Maybe he could
just... fucking act like that was how things still were. He could test it out,
at least. "Did you get chocolate while you were in Skyport?"

**Izzy:**

 He shook his head and admitted, "Kinda ran outta money feeding
that kid. Bottomless fuckin' pit for a stomach, in him. I'll pick up some merc
job and make it back."

**Lina:**

 Goro snorted. "Don't. Don't waste your time. I'd rather
just... have you around."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel narrowed his eyes. Considered saying, Then you can
come with me on that merc job, and we can both get what we want. Sounded like
fun to him, but he wasn't sure it'd be much of a fuckin' date, really.

"Hmm. Well. Wouldn't be a waste of time, but all right."
He had a couple other ideas. "I'll work something out. You're gettin' that
fuckin' cake."

**Lina:**

 "If you don't have any chocolate at the keep, I can
send you home with some," Amari offered.

**Izzy:**

 "That'd be cheating," Hansel said, mildly
insulted.

**Lina:**

 "Oh, oh, of course. Don't mind me." She went back
to humming.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel frowned and looked away from her. She clearly wasn't
annoyed. Still felt like -- the moment it'd been out of his mouth -- he
shouldn't've talked to her that way. And she would shut him out, now, or
something. He fucking knew that she was making light, and just giving them as
much privacy as she could.

Still had the urge to walk out. Pace around somewhere, sort
this out in his head. Might've made some excuse to do it if Goro hadn't been on
top of him -- gonna go check on Luci or get some fresh air or -- something.

He pressed his lips into Goro's shoulder and just ignored
it, instead, and didn't say anything.

**Lina:**

 "You okay?" Goro asked quietly.

**Izzy:**

 He made a noncommittal sound and nodded.

**Lina:**

 God, that was fucking bullshit, but Goro knew he wouldn't
have any luck prying. Best case scenario, Hansel would just ignore him. Worst
case scenario... well.

Goro climbed off his lap and walked over to stand by Amari's
side. "You need help with anything?"

"No. I've got it." Her chopping slowed, and she
glanced between Goro and Hansel. "Are you alright, Goro?"

"Yep," he said, and wondered if that made him a
hypocrite.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel drummed his fingers against his leg. He needed to get
out of this situation, before he got upset. Two different situations, actually.
One was the entire room, which felt suddenly too small, and too loud despite
being very quiet (and too quiet, as well, somehow, because that fucking made
sense), and the other was the fact that Goro wasn't anchoring him in place,
anymore, and keeping him from getting out of the room.

These were not problems with compatible fucking solutions.
He recognized that he had to fucking pick one.

So he softly said, "Hey. Chatichi. Come back."

**Lina:**

 Goro kept looking at Amari, and she stared back at him,
unamused. "Do you have something you'd like to say to me in private?"
she asked.

"No."

"Then I expect you will show some basic courtesy and
not ignore your guest when he's talking to you."

"Are you fuckin' bossing me around?"

"I am. This is my home, and you know my rules."

Goro ground his teeth, tempted to argue, but this was
embarrassing enough as it was. A grown man being scolded by his adoptive
mother, in front of his fuckin' boyfriend. He sighed and slouched, even more
reluctant to turn around and face Hansel now.

"Look at me." Amari set down the knife and wiped
her hands on a towel. She put a hand on Goro's cheek. "You are safe. You
have food to eat. You have a warm place to sleep. Did I get any of that
wrong?"

"Mmm."

"Tell me what I got wrong."

"Nothing," he grunted through his teeth.

"Then breathe." She waited for a moment,
pointedly, until he exhaled loudly through his nose. "And go. Go on."
She shooed him away. He plodded back over to Hansel, and climbed back onto his
lap.

January 10, 2019

**Izzy:**

 Hansel grabbed onto him tightly, abruptly stopped digging
his fingernails into his palms and bouncing one leg. He'd meant to say I'm
okay. I said I'm okay. It's okay, but it had gotten harder to ignore, and he
wasn't fucking okay.

He was better, now, though. Breathed in. Sweet incense.
Calm.

He'd figure it out later -- Mishka would help him, or shit,
maybe Amari would. She seemed to be good at this shit. He couldn't ask Goro,
when Goro was here because he already needed Amari's help. Couldn't cause more
fucking problems. Done enough damage already.

Nope. Wasn't helpful. He packed that away, closed it up, set
it out to sea, set it on fire. Washed his goddamn hands of it. In Orcish --
because it still felt like it gave him some vague illusion of privacy -- he
said, "Sorry. Talk about it later," and loosened his grip.

**Lina:**

 Goro threw his arms around Hansel's neck and squeezed him so
tight he had to let up for fear of strangling him. "Don't be sorry. I'm
sorry." Granted, he supposed, they could both be sorry.

He eased himself down until he could rest his face against
Hansel's shoulder. Safe. He was safe. He was with people who loved him. He
fucking was. If Amari and Hansel didn't really love him, then love must not
fucking exist. Simple.

**Izzy:**

 He still felt fuckin' antsy, but now he had the excuse of
not disturbing Goro to keep him in place again, and the physical settling
helped him to get himself back in check.

Elitash had been the first one to hold him down and make him
talk about his feelings. Mishka did it craftily, carefully -- Eli just
literally pinned him and told him she wasn't going to let him go until he said
some shit. Most of the shit had been fuck you, get off me, let me go, but
eventually he'd gotten the picture. Then Mishka had been able to calm him down
by talking to him, slowly and gently cajoling him into responding, even if it
was monosyllabic at first.

He'd fucking ... lost any ability to do that shit, at some
point. Use words. When he'd been alone for months, and only ever talked to
Jonn, who didn't have any fucking idea what to say, but listened to him
drunkenly sob and slur his way through things that weren't fucking
explanations, or really even sentences, or honestly, even words.

Goro needed him to explain things. Goro needed words. Always
asking questions, telling him his answers weren't enough and trying to drag
more out of him. He tried to imagine -- if he made some frustrated attempt to talk
about this -- what Goro would pick out to question further. Got fuckin' upset
because -- he felt out of place here. Not unwelcome, just uncomfortable, taking
up too much space, alien, confused. Goro would ask why. Be hurt that Hansel
felt that way about his mother's home, maybe.

He rested his own face against Goro's shoulder and snorted
at himself. Fuckin' idiot. Close to him, he murmured, "S'okay. First
fucking family dinner I've had in twenty fuckin' years. Fucking weird, that's
all. I'll deal with it."

**Lina:**

 Goro kissed Hansel's neck a few times, thinking about what
he'd said. He choked down a laugh. "Are you nervous 'cause you're meeting
my mom? I mean, for the first time since we..."

**Izzy:**

 "No. Fuck you."

**Lina:**

 Goro shook from holding in his laughter, and tears leaked
from his eyes.

"Goro," Amari said. "Be kind."

"You know she fucking loves you, right?" Goro
said. "'Oh, that Hansel, he's such a nice young gentleman, don't you
think?' Back when she was staying on the ship. Nah Ma, I said, he's a nutcase
like the rest of us. Or wait, I didn't call her Ma then. Hey Ma, you know it
was Hansel who made me decide I should start saying you're my mother?"

"Was it? Well, I'm not surprised. He has adopted
children of his own, remember."

**Izzy:**

 The jittery feeling was coming back on him, rising up his
back, making his leg twitch. Goro was fucking laughing at him. He was trying to
keep his shit together and not make this about him, and Goro was fucking
laughing at him, talking to him like he was being fuckin' stupid.

He glanced over at Amari, all calm, chopping vegetables. Bet
she hadn't ever made Goro drag her, half-passed-out, out of a bar where he'd
been trying to drown himself. Or awkwardly pat her back while she threw up on a
street corner, then bawled incoherently for ten solid minutes onto his
shoulder. Ignored and brushed off everything he'd said for a fucking decade and
then fucking cried on him over that, too, when she'd found out he had been
goddamn right the entire time.

Yeah, well, I'm a shitty fuckin' dad, was what wanted to
come out, and last night I threatened to break your son's jaw for using a
shitty tone of voice on someone. Nice young gentleman. Fucking ridiculous.

Kept his mouth closed instead. Shouldn't fucking be like
this in the first place. They were both having a nice fucking time. He swallowed
and made himself made another noncommittal noise. Tried to think of something
fuckin' normal to say and came up blank, but kept his face impassive, at least.
Kept trying.

"You talking about that first time I got drunk and made
you cry." Nice fucking save, commander.(edited)

**Lina:**

 "First time?" Goro said. "Has there been a
second time?" He said it playfully, but started to falter. It felt like
there was something wrong, again. Hansel seemed to be struggling, but Goro
didn't know with what. First fucking family dinner I've had in twenty fuckin'
years, he'd said, and Goro didn't know why shit like Candlenight didn't
count--Hansel had been happy on Candlenight, or seemed like it anyway.

Twenty years, though. That implied something to do with the
family he'd grown up with, maybe. His parents and his brother. Maybe this was
all too... fucking cozy and domestic for him, or something. Or something about
Amari reminded Hansel of his own mother, though they couldn't be too much alike
surely, or Goro doubted Hansel would be estranged from her.

He didn't know what to do about any of that, so he just shut
his mouth. Snuggled closer to Hansel and kissed his shoulder.

Amari had been watching them closely. She finished scraping
the last of the vegetables into the pot, then set it aside. "We've got
time before it gets dark. Let's go for a walk. This room is much too stuffy for
three people to be in it this long."

She didn't wait for a response before going to her wardrobe
and pulling out an overcoat and mittens. "I know a path through the woods
that's absolutely beautiful with the snow. Come on, boys."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel felt the tightness in his jaw and tried to loosen it,
automatically, because that was step two to calming down. Relax the hands,
relax the jaw. But his hands weren't fists, and if his jaw was tight, he
couldn't say anything else, which was seeming more like the better option.

Getting out of the room sounded like a great fucking idea.
He nudged at Goro, not really wanting him to move, but not particularly willing
right now to casually pick him up and carry him around.

At the same time, he wanted to dump Goro off of him and go
for his own walk -- back to the teleportation circle and directly into Mishka's
arms to groan wordlessly until he found the words, again, to say, I can't deal
with this. I don't even know what I'm not dealing with. I don't know what's
wrong with me. Help.

He remembered how fucking gratifying it'd been, though, when
he'd started being able to manage himself, and not needed help all the time.
And how Goro had said I want to help you, and I'm a healer, and, I'm supposed
to be able to help, like he was disappointed in himself.

Maybe there was some fucking -- happy medium, here. Hansel
knew Goro wasn't trying to be shitty to him. Neither of them were; neither of
them would. So he'd go along with it, quietly, and do what Amari asked. Fresh
air did sound fucking good.(edited)

**Lina:**

 Goro climbed off Hansel's lap and headed for the door. Amari
stopped him, tugging at the sleeve of his robe. "Are you going to be warm
enough in this?"

"Yeah, Ma."

"Mm," she said skeptically, and led him over to
her wardrobe. She ignored his protests as she pulled out a cloak and pinned it
around his shoulders, then tugged a hat down over his ears.

"I'm a grown fucking man," he said.

"Grown men know how to dress appropriately for the
weather."

"For fuck's sake," he muttered, glancing at
Hansel, hoping he had somehow temporarily become blind and deaf. Amari handed
him a pair of leather gloves. "I don't want them."

"Put them in your pocket, then, in case you change your
mind."

Goro gritted his teeth and took them, tucking them away as
she requested, just to avoid an argument.

This was good, though. Amari must have picked up on Hansel's
discomfort, too; this wasn't an idle suggestion she made. She used to take Goro
for walks all the time, and she'd talk him down from whatever was bothering
him. She always knew what to say to help him, even if sometimes it took a few
hours or days--or hell, years--to sink in.

She'd know what to say to Hansel, too. She'd fix this.

She led them outside and onto the promised path through the
woods. Goro recognized it from a couple months earlier, when he'd visited her
last. It really was extra pretty with the snow. Goro held onto Hansel's hand,
and thought maybe he'd need the glove for his other one, but not yet.

Amari walked a few paces ahead of them. Goro kept waiting
for her to spout whatever wisdom she had stored up, but to his growing
confusion, she said nothing at all.

**Izzy:**

 Yeah. Fresh air was good. They were just close enough to the
ocean, still, that he could smell the salt somewhere behind the clean, cold
scent of the snow -- far enough removed that he didn't have to think about it,
just enjoyed it. That helped. Moving helped, even if it was a leisurely stroll.
Still burned off some energy, better than tapping his foot. The quiet, out
here, the soft and empty quiet -- that helped.

Goro's fingers laced between his helped.

He felt like he should apologize again. Felt like blurting I
fucked this up, I'm sorry, I ruined this, you needed to see your mother and I'm
fucking everything up, I can't even eat a fucking dinner like a normal fucking
person but -- didn't have to. He breathed, instead. Kept expecting Goro to say
something -- or for Amari to -- but they didn't.

After a little while, he pulled Goro closer, against the
side of his furry black coat, and looped his arm around him without letting go
of his hand. God, it'd been fucking cute how he'd complained about Amari making
him dress more warmly. He'd looked embarrassed, but it had been so fucking
charming.

"Hey. You warm enough?" he asked lowly, partially
teasing.

**Lina:**

 Goro had to keep biting his tongue, trusting that Amari knew
what she was doing. And lo and fucking behold, Hansel seemed more relaxed now,
or--maybe not relaxed yet, but less anxious anyway. Damn. How the hell did that
woman do it? Goro prided himself on being able to read people, but she had
another gift entirely. She knew what people needed. It made her a natural
healer, and Goro wasn't sure he'd ever be able to match her skill at that, damn
it all.

He was coming to realize that he'd been reading Hansel wrong
much of the time, for all the guy's straightforwardness and honesty. He kept
seeing rejection where there was no rejection. Hansel hadn't let go of Goro's
hand. He was pulling him close, now that he'd calmed down some. Ah. Goro made
some adjustments, added to his mental notes. Still felt like he was a long way
from understanding all of Hansel's peculiarities, but this was a start.

"Not quite," he said. Making sure Amari wasn't
looking, he took the gloves out of his pocket and pulled them on. He patted the
arm Hansel had wrapped around him. "This is a good scarf I got now,
though. It'll help."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel briefly considered hoisting Goro up, getting his feet
out of the snow, but he'd cool down more if he stopped moving. Guessed he'd
just have to walk on his own, then. Gave him a squeeze for the scarf comment,
anyway.

Goro pulling his gloves on amused him. Amari had been right.
Hansel got the impression she usually fucking was, and that Goro knew it, and
just had to argue anyway. Wouldn't be Goro if he didn't argue.

Hansel had never done that. Talked back. Didn't matter that
Amari wasn't his blood mother -- she was still his mother -- but the
relationship he had with her was very fucking different than Hansel'd had with
his parents. Goro grumbled For fuck's sake and Are you fuckin' bossing me
around? and Amari responded softly and unyieldingly. Hansel had gotten very good
at saying yes ma'am and yessir and it hadn't gotten him a damn bit of slack.

He just kept fucking expecting something to go wrong, here.
And Amari was the kindest goddamn person he'd ever met. Wasn't fair to her. He
sighed out a cloud.

He pulled Goro along, up even with Amari, and carefully put
his other arm around her -- not the near chokehold he had on Goro, just a light
hand on her far shoulder. He tended to throw off a lot of heat. She might be
chilly too.

"Hey. You were right," he said. "It's, uh.
Really fucking beautiful out here."

**Lina:**

 "Oh, but you haven't even seen the best part yet."
She put her hand over Hansel's. "We're almost there."

The trail sloped upward, and the trees began to thin. They
emerged into a clearing at the summit of a steep ridge, and before them lay a
view of acres of snowy trees, and the sea beyond them.

"Oh yeah," Goro said. "I remember this. This
is the kind of thing I was picturing when I said I wanted to go somewhere with
a nice view. Not much of a date when someone's mother's around, though. Love
you, Ma."

"Lucky for you, there's a patch of winter berries
nearby, and I'm going to go pick some." She stepped around Hansel and gave
Goro a kiss on the cheek. Then, taking a small side trail, she disappeared back
into the woods.

Goro looked up at Hansel and shrugged.

**Izzy:**

 Hansel met Goro's look with an expression of mild concern
and confusion. Was this supposed to be a ... date, now. Was that how this
worked.

He'd been planning on taking Goro to a lighthouse, up the
coast a ways, but things had gotten in the way and now it was a bit cold for
something like that to be a great idea. A naive part of him had just thought,
Well, we'll go in the spring, but there were no certainties. Fuckin' Gruumsh
might've killed them all by then, or some other fucking problem cropped up.

He remembered something Mishka had said -- something he
found himself remembering a lot -- about just wanting to spend some time
together before the next disaster. He'd been really fucking enjoying that time,
between disasters, with Mishka and Goro both. Maybe he could convince himself
they were in one of those times now -- just a small one, before they had to go
back to the castle and bunker down for a little longer, and then kill Asenka,
and then get back to killing Gruumsh or whatever the fuck.

Just a brief reprieve.

He returned Goro's shrug, and waited until Amari had
vanished to shift Goro in front of him and tug off his hat, cup his face and
kiss the top of his head.

"It is a pretty good fuckin' view."

**Lina:**

 "I still don't think this counts as a date, for the
record. We'll need to have a picnic packed. And it should be hours, just the
two of us." He got that feeling again like he was being greedy. Wanting
more than his fair share. Lots of people loved Hansel, and it wasn't like there
was a damn sign-up sheet to get some alone time with him.

Goro stared down at his feet, leaning forward to rest the
top of his head on Hansel's chest.

**Izzy:**

 "Hours." He scoffed, and propped his arms on top
of Goro's shoulders to curl around his neck and keep him warm. "Try
fuckin' days."

Hansel buried his face in Goro's hair, sighing against him,
and closed his eyes, keeping alert for the sound of anyone coming nearby.
Quietly, he asked, "Are you feeling better? After seeing your mom, I
mean."

**Lina:**

 Days. Goro smiled to himself. Well alright, fine, if Hansel
insisted.

"A little. Just being around her helps some, you
know?" He didn't say, but I still need to talk to her, because he had to
do that alone, and he didn't want Hansel rushing off yet. Wasn't sure when he
would, actually, but it had to happen sometime. There were things he wanted to
say to Amari that he couldn't with Hansel there.

**Izzy:**

 "Mm." He kind of knew. Not with his mother -- but with
other people. Difficult to transpose those feelings onto his mother, was all.
Still foreign. Hesitantly, he asked, "D'you -- wanna talk about that
nightmare? It helps, sometimes. Talking about them." Might prefer to talk
about it with Amari. Or no one. But Hansel had to ask.

**Lina:**

 "Uh." Goro laughed mirthlessly. He wasn't sure
that was a good idea. Although the thought of doing it seemed less daunting
than talking about what had happened last night, and it might help him feel
like he'd cleared the air.

He had to consider how Hansel would feel about it, though.
"Well. It was about you. Dunno if you'd like to hear about it."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel winced, but he couldn't claim to be fucking
surprised.

Elitash had handed him her notebook, once, where she kept the
records of the ship's supplies, of prices in different ports. Told him he
needed to fucking do that: take stock. Be goddam methodical about it. Notice
the details -- like the bag of rice in the hold with a rip in its side, or the
slow leak in that one fresh water keg. Take it all into account, and figure out
what he needed, and what he could afford.

Sounded like fucking nonsense to him at the time, but he'd
kind of kept mulling it over. He tried to take stock now. He wasn't that
fucking agitated now. Settled down. It'd help to focus on something else, he
knew, maybe even if that something else was -- also a problem. He already felt
like people should fucking have nightmares about him. Finding out the details
probably wasn't going to be that much worse.

"If you wanna talk about it, I wanna listen," he
said slowly. "It'll be okay."

**Lina:**

 Goro hesitated a minute, anyway. He put his arms around
Hansel's neck and leaned up to kiss him. Then he stepped away, out of Hansel's
arms, and paced back and forth a few times. He kicked up some snow, peered up
the trail where Amari had gone, making sure she was really out of sight.

"I was in your bedroom," he began. He sank down to
crouch on the ground. "And I was huddling on the floor, like this. I was
looking around, and--you remember the water jug. There were these... shards, of
porcelain. Fucking everywhere. So many of them. There wasn't anywhere I could
go, I mean, there wasn't any path out and it was too much for me to just step
over. I knew if I moved even an inch I was going to cut myself. And I could see
you over in the bed--" He pointed off in another direction, picturing it.
"Mishka was with you. You were upset, and he was comforting you. I
couldn't really understand what he was saying but I knew it was about me. Like
I'd fucked you up and he was the one who had to help you. And I was yelling at
you both but you couldn't hear me or you were ignoring me.

"So I tried to just crawl my way out." He lowered
himself to his knees. "Really slow and careful, but--I cut myself, and I
was bleeding everywhere. And then you were standing next to me, and you said,
'Chatichi, tell me your safeword.' And I said, 'Mercy.' And you said, 'No,
that's not it anymore. We changed it, remember?' And I fucking--tried to argue
with you, you know, like no, I don't remember the new one, you have to let me
use the old one, come on, I need your fucking help. Well, you finally gave in,
said you'd let me use the old one just this time. So I was all, mercy! Mercy!
And you said, 'All right, what do you need?' And I... couldn't think of
anything. Like I just wanted it to stop, everything to stop, but I couldn't
figure out how to explain it. I didn't know what I was doing there in the first
place. I was just stuck, and bleeding all over the place, and screaming mercy,
and you were just standing there watching."

He looked up at Hansel. "That was how I felt... last
night. I was just fucking scared, but I didn't know what to ask for. Still
don't. Just felt like screaming mercy, mercy, make it stop, help me."

**Izzy:**

 "Oh," Hansel said quietly, and then nothing. He
lowered himself down slowly, crossing his legs under him, so he wasn't looking
down at Goro.

He thought about saying: I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't hurt
you. But it was patently a fucking lie.

He thought about saying: It'll never happen again. But he
couldn't promise it.

He thought about saying: I'm sorry. But that didn't fucking
help. He said it too much. It was fucking cheap; it didn't mean anything.

"Do you want --," he started, and cut himself off
and looked down, studying the snow. Should I get Amari? Should I ... hug you?
Should I tell you I love you and I'm sorry and I hate myself even though none
of that does you any fucking good?

If he didn't know what Goro needed, and Goro couldn't tell
him --

Take stock. Battle plans. "I can get Amari for
you." He kept his voice very level and soft. "And I can leave, or I
can stay. I can -- sit over here. And not touch you. Or I can hold you. And you
can change your mind on which you want." He hesitated. "I can ... try
to explain why I fucked up. I think I figured it out, so -- maybe I can --
handle it better. I can't tell you I'll never fucking do anything like it
again, though." He crossed his arms loosely. "Used to be a lot
fuckin' worse." Used to be a lot fuckin' better, too, but it was getting
worse again. "You can ask Mishka. He helped me with it before, that's why
-- y'know, he -- he knows what to do. When I don't."

He picked his words carefully, and lowered his voice.

"I'm not ignoring the fact that you're in pain. I just
don't fucking know what -- I don't know what I can do for you when I'm the
fucking one who hurt you. I feel like I'm supposed to just fucking leave you
alone so I don't make shit worse. But I feel like that would just fucking hurt
you, too. So I don't ... know."

**Lina:**

 Goro sat back on his heels. Was damn cold, sitting in the
snow, but that problem would be taken care of shortly.

He'd said he didn't know what to ask for, but he had an idea
now.

"I want you to do two things," he said. "One,
I want you to hold me, because I always fucking want that, and I'm not sure if
you believe me but it's true. I don't think there's ever been a time when I was
in your arms and I thought, god, I wish I was somewhere else." He snorted.
"And two, I want you to... tell me what I should do next time, if it
happens again."

**Izzy:**

 Hansel nodded. He felt his own reluctance in doing it, but
moved closer to Goro, close enough to pull him in against Hansel's chest,
lifting him out of the snow and back into Hansel's lap. He wanted to ask, Is
this okay? Is this where you want me? but made himself stop questioning and
trust it. Kissed Goro's temple and wrapped his coat around Goro as much as he
could, instead, getting them as close as he could.

He thought for a second, and kissed Goro's hair a couple
times as he thought.

He vaguely remembered telling him to cut it out, first --
before he'd grabbed him. More remembered saying later that he'd done it,
though, getting defensive about it, so he didn't know if he actually had. If
he'd just fucking snapped out of nowhere. Made his gut clench.

Wasn't fucking time to have emotions about it, though. He
needed solutions. "I need -- a minute, sometimes," he tried.
"When I can't fucking hear myself think. I might tell you to back off, but
-- I might not fucking realize that I need it." Seemed like a fucking
stupid thing to ask for, but he said, "I guess you could fuckin' -- check
in. Ask if I need something. Y'know, just. Make me stop and think about it.
Tell me to calm down."

He wanted to ask, And don't leave, please don't leave, but
it wasn't fucking fair to ask. Felt fucking unfair to ask Goro to help him
manage his shit in any way, but he thought again about how Goro'd looked in the
gazebo, mumbling about how he was supposed to be able to help. Hansel guessed
he just had to fucking let him.

"And please don't leave," he forced out. "I
-- understand if you fucking have to, if I'm fucking impossible to deal with,
just -- just tell me you'll come back, if you do."

**Lina:**

 Goro sighed and leaned against Hansel heavily. It seemed
like Hansel was holding something back, like there was a hesitation as he
pulled Goro close. Goro had to trust it wasn't because Hansel didn't want him,
just that Hansel wasn't sure he was wanted. It was weird, sometimes, how much
they feared the same things.

"I said I wouldn't leave you before, and then I...
fucking tried," Goro said. "I didn't know what else to do. I think
part of me wanted to see if you'd chase me. If you hadn't, I... well, I'd
probably be fucking dead, but I guess that's beside the point." Goro
grabbed onto the front of Hansel's shirt. "Listen, I'll try to stop being
such an idiot. I'll try to believe you love me, and then I won't run away again.
Simple. Hah. God, don't we make a pair." He lifted his head, pulling away
enough to look at Hansel. He frowned. "I just love you so fucking much,
alright?"

**Izzy:**

 Hansel frowned back. He could argue the point. Tell Goro he
hadn't been wrong to bolt when Hansel fucking threatened him thirty seconds
after seeing him almost die. That Hansel had fucking been in the wrong, and
Goro should hold him accountable for his shit. He should be angry and not
forgive him, no matter how many times Hansel apologized or promised to try to
do better, and fucking leave him for keeps.

Really had to be a middle ground in there. He wasn't very
good at doing things by halves, was the problem, so he shut that down entirely
for now.

He kissed Goro's forehead, and drew back to hold his face
and look him in the eyes. "I love you. I'm sorry I'm fuckin' -- like this,
and I make things goddamn difficult. But I do fucking love you." Leaned in
again to kiss his lips.

**Lina:**

 Goro kissed him back, and laced his fingers behind Hansel's
head to hold him there so he could keep kissing him. He had the fleeting
thought that Amari could be back any time, but really, if she walked into the
clearing and saw them doing this, she'd probably turn around to go get more
berries. She was smart like that.

Eventually Goro stopped, though, because he had more to say.
He always had more to say. "I said I didn't know what to ask you for, and
then I did, and it's because... I was thinking about those porcelain shards.
And why I dreamed about them. See, I need to know what the hell makes you tick.
I wasn't bothered that you broke the water jug--I mean, who even gives a
shit--but it got to me because..."

He looked away, thinking, and shook his head. "I don't
know, it was like you were saying, hey, you're fucking doing it wrong, idiot.
But then you wouldn't tell me what to do instead. I was just trying to fucking
keep you alive. I tried every goddamn thing I could think of. And then Mishka
got you to eat, somehow." He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his
voice. "Sorry for my--shitty--fucking--tone." He bit down on his
bottom lip and let out a long ffff sound. He tensed up, waiting to see what
Hansel would do.

January 11, 2019

**Izzy:** at 12:31 AM

"Mm." Hansel shook his head, then pressed his
forehead against Goro's, willing him to relax. If he started saying it's okay,
I'm calm, it's okay, he'd just get fucking distracted by doing that and not get
anywhere else, so he pretended he had already, and that it'd worked. It only
kind of fucking did, when he tried it, anyway.

"Mishka didn't get me to eat. I fucking got myself to
eat." He thought about telling Goro how fucking hard Jonn had tried to
keep him alive, before, and how close he'd come to failing because Hansel had
refused to fucking work with him for the longest goddamn time. "You
weren't doing anything wrong, and -- fuck, I'm sorry that's how that seemed.
No. I think I was just -- fucking angry at myself because I didn't know how to
let you help me. I knew you were trying to make me feel better, and I kept not
being able to fucking do what you wanted."

He paused for a second, looking down.

"Honestly, you can't fucking help me sometimes. That's
just how it is. I just needed you to -- stay with me until I felt better on my
own, but I was too fucked up to know what to say. You didn't have to do
anything but be there." He looked back up and ran a thumb across one of
Goro's cheekbones. Maybe those were his favorite part. Nah. Still impossible to
choose. "And you were. Rest of the day. And listen, I finally fucking
slept worth a shit when you did, all right? Y'know, when -- when Mishka came
up, that night, he had those fucking druid berries, and he talked to me about
eating something, and that was the first time I felt like maybe I could, but it
wasn't 'cause he was there. It was because you had been."

They'd both wanted to fix him so fucking badly. Trying shit
and planning shit. The goddamn kids, too, that morning. He wished he'd been able
to tell them all to just fucking settle down and maybe hold his hand and let
him fix his goddamn self. Next time, he guessed.

**Lina:** at 12:39 AM

"Oh." Goro took a moment to let all of that sink
in. "Well. If that's... huh." It all sounded--no, reasonable wasn't
the right word, but--it made sense. It clarified things. Goro had been looking
at the picture upside-down, and Hansel turned it around for him. "I maybe
should've... fucking asked sooner."

**Izzy:** at 1:10 AM

Hansel shrugged. "I maybe should've fucking said
something." He curled his hand around the back of Goro's head to angle his
face down, and kiss his hair. "Listen, I'm not that fucking great at
knowing what make me tick."

Too used to Mishka -- and Jonn, for that matter -- just
knowing what to do, silently, without being told. Wasn't fair for Goro, having
to come in at this late stage of the game, seeing someone with about a decade
of experience treat him like a puzzle they'd already solved. Didn't mean he
wasn't a difficult goddamn puzzle.

"You can ask, but I might not fucking know what to tell
you, is all," he said. "I know you have to fuckin' ... ask, and talk,
but I need time, and quiet." He kissed Goro's hair again, and more
quietly, added, "Doesn't mean I want you to shut up. I like your fucking
voice. I like your questions. Helps me work shit out."

**Lina:** at 9:28 AM

"God, what is this... weird feeling in my chest."
Goro leaned away, making a face, and put his hand over his heart. "I think
it's... hope? Ah, jeez, I thought I'd managed to kill every shred of hope in my
life. Disgusting. Hope means potential disappointment. How do I get rid of
it?" He snorted and covered his face, then pushed back in to kiss Hansel's
cheek. "What I'm saying is... shit, Hansel, I think there might be hope
for the two of us. Terrifying."

**Izzy:** at 9:54 AM

Fuckin' Goro. Hansel grinned at him. Goddamn adorable. He
wrapped his arms around Goro as tight as he could, crushing him for a moment,
then letting up before he cracked any bones. "Good."

**Lina:** at 10:02 AM

"Yeah, that's right you fucking squeeze me. What'd I
say about holding me like you mean it?"

**Izzy:** at 10:11 AM

"Listen, jackass, if I break your fuckin' ribs, your
mom might change her mind about me being a nice young gentleman." He
squeezed Goro again anyway, a little longer this time.

**Lina:** at 10:35 AM

"Where is she, anyway? She must be freezing her ass
off. No big pirate to keep her warm." Goro kissed Hansel a few more times,
reluctant to stop. Amari, though. Stuck in frigid, berry-picking purgatory so
Goro could get his kissing in.

**Izzy:** at 10:54 AM

Sharp woman, that Amari -- leading them out here and then
disappearing to give them space. Hansel really fucking wanted to tell Goro that
she was seeing Joan again, and thinking about moving to the castle, but he had
assured her that pirates didn't tell tales. Not true ones, anyway.

He didn't have much doubt it was going to happen, though.
That'd make Goro happy.

For now he just said, "Hmm. Must have a lot of berries
to pick," and shifted to his feet, settling Goro against him and
considering for a moment. "Is it fucking weird if I carry you around to
look for her? I don't fuckin' know how to act around people's goddamn ...
parents, or whatever."

**Lina:** at 10:57 AM

"Hansel, she adopted me. You think she's bothered by
weird shit?"

**Izzy:** at 10:58 AM

"Fair."

**Lina:** at 3:14 PM

"Alright then, let's go. Chop chop. The woman's cold."

**Izzy:** at 3:15 PM

"Demanding little shit, aren't you." Hansel set
off on the path Amari had disappeared down.

**Lina:** at 3:24 PM

"Wow, you didn't even make me say please." Goro
anchored his arms around Hansel's neck so he could pull himself up and keep
kissing the side of his face. "The thought of my mother out in the cold
makes you magnanimous. I like that."

Had to stop kissing for a while, though, to yell. "Ma!
Hey Ma! Where'd you go?"

"I'm right here," came her voice from around a
bend in the trail. She met them halfway, carrying a pile of berries in an extra
scarf. Probably one she'd brought in case Goro wanted it, knowing her. She
beamed at them both. "Have you worked up an appetite yet, Hansel? You know,
if you're not ready to head in just yet, there's a nice tavern down in the
village."

**Izzy:** at 3:55 PM

Hansel grumbled half-inaudibly -- something in the vein of
fuckin' Goro, just wandering around in the snow, not worried about getting cold
'cause he thinks I'll just carry him around, huh, well y'fuckin' right, Goro
fuckin' Flatflower -- until they ran into Amari. He cleared his throat
abruptly. Still felt kind of awkward carrying her son around like a princess,
and all, but she didn't seem fazed at all.

"Think I got banned from that tavern last time I was
here," he commented, then wondered if that was a stupid thing to admit to.
Nice young gentleman, indeed. Well, she already knew he was a fucking pirate,
anyway. "I mean. Nah. We can head back."

He fleetingly wondered if he should have Goro use that spell
on him again, so he could carry Amari back, too -- get her feet out of the snow
-- but that probably would be fucking weird. He barely knew the woman.

As they walked, though, he hesitantly asked, "Hey. Uh.
Will there be enough food for one more? I could, uh -- invite Luci, maybe. My
kid. She's the only family I've got around here 'cept for this idiot." He
jostled Goro. "Haven't really had a chance to have dinner with her in a
while."

**Lina:** at 4:02 PM

"Of course," Amari said. "I'd love to have
her join us. It's always a pleasure spending time with Lucienne."

**Izzy:** at 4:05 PM

"Huh." Sanctuary was a pretty big place with a lot
of clerics running around. He wouldn't've thought the two had met for any
reason. "Didn't know you knew each other."

**Lina:** at 4:09 PM

"Yes, I've been helping her with research. She wanted
my opinion as a non-Eldathyn."(edited)

**Izzy:** at 4:11 PM

Hansel grimaced. "Ah. Right. Her ... research.
Right."

**Lina:** at 4:32 PM

Goro pulled himself up again to kiss Hansel's cheek several
times. "Hey Ma," he said as he settled back down. "How do you
kill a god?"

"Well, Goro, usually you don't."

"Usually, though, not never. There must be a way. You
told me Helm was killed, right? How'd that happen?"

"You should ask Joan for that story. She tells it much
better than I do."

Goro thought for a moment. "Maybe I could pit Gruumsh
and Bane against each other."

"Well, you could sure try, sweetheart, although it
sounds very dangerous and you probably shouldn't." Amari smiled and winked
at Hansel.

**Izzy:** at 4:47 PM

Hansel smiled back slowly. "Yeah, I keep tellin' him to
let me do the dangerous shit. Doesn't fuckin' listen."

He didn't put Goro down until they got back to Amari's
quarters. His back had gotten stiff, but it was going to from the cold, anyway,
so he ignored it. Had more important shit to do. Even then, when he set Goro
back down to his feet, he didn't let him go far for a moment, holding onto him,
back-to-chest, and kissing the top of his head, considering whether it'd be
inappropriate to just keep doing this for the rest of the night. Or -- if not
inappropriate, if it was realistic. Could he just make Goro go everywhere with
him? He guessed he'd want privacy eventually, but he wondered how long it'd
take.

No reason to drag him back out in the cold, though. Ah,
right. That was the problem. He wanted to do dangerous shit that he didn't want
Goro to be around for -- not particularly fucking dangerous, the cold, but
Goro's skin was still cool, and part of him felt like it hadn't warmed up since
last night.

So he sighed into Goro's hair and made himself pull away,
saying, "I'll go track down Luci."

**Lina:** at 5:42 PM

"You stay here," Amari suggested. "Goro, go
to the kitchen and get me more carrots and some celery, and some meat if you
want it for yourself. Bread, too. You can find Lucienne while you're out."

Hm. Goro guessed she wanted to have more time to chat with
Hansel without him around. "Fuckin'... fine, just don't say embarrassing
shit about me." He waved to Hansel and headed out.

He made his trip to the kitchen first, since Luci might be
there helping to prepare dinner anyway. No luck. Goro grabbed a spare basket
and filled it with the requested food, then set off to find her. He noticed
she'd spent much of her time in the castle reading, so he figured the library
was a good shot--had to ask for directions, since this place was huge and he
hadn't really learned his way around it yet.

They had one hell of a library, even bigger than the abbey's
back in Skyport. Damn, Goro was going to have to set up camp here for a week
sometime soon and just see what weird shit he could find. He wandered through
the stacks until he found a reading area with tables and chairs, and Luci
sitting in one, reading a large book.

He approached her. "Hi."

**Izzy:** at 5:54 PM

Luci looked up. She hadn't been settled in long -- she had
duties to attend to that had been neglected during her stay at the castle, and
only just gotten them squared away satisfactorily. It would be time for dinner,
soon, and she wanted to get in a little bit of reading, first; a little more
research.

She stared at Goro blankly for a moment. He was holding a
basket of food. In the library. "Is there something I can help you
with?" she asked, puzzled.

**Lina:** at 5:55 PM

"Uh, yeah. Your dad wanted to know if you'd come to
dinner. Amari's cooking. Will you join us?"

**Izzy:** at 5:58 PM

"Oh." She started to reflexively say no thank you,
then hesitated. She glanced down at her book. It could wait, she supposed. She
closed it slowly and stood up, retrieving her staff. "Um. I suppose."

**Lina:** at 6:03 PM

Huh. She'd almost said no. Didn't want to quit reading,
maybe. Goro pointed at the book. "Whatcha reading about?"

**Izzy:** at 6:05 PM

"Dead gods."

**Lina:** at 6:07 PM

Goro grinned. "Oh, I like the sound of that." He
beckoned for her to follow him. "Bring it with, you can tell me all about
it."

**Izzy:** at 6:11 PM

"It's not a very good book," she said bluntly.
"Overly fanciful. Impractical." She twisted her staff in her hands
nervously. She could have said that in a more delicate way.

**Lina:** at 6:15 PM

"Ah, well, then, fuck it. Leave it behind. I'm nothing
if not a practical guy. Only realistic god-killing plans for me."

**Izzy:** at 6:19 PM

Luci smiled a little. "Yes. I agree." She moved to
follow him. "It isn't very Eldathyn, though. Killing gods."

**Lina:** at 6:22 PM

Goro started back toward Amari's room. "Yeah, I guess
it wouldn't be. What about, uh, making two gods fight each other? You know. So
they pick each other off. You keep your hands clean that way?"

**Izzy:** at 6:27 PM

"That's a terribly Maskarran way of looking at
things," she said flatly, then, "I ... didn't mean for that to sound
like an insult."

**Lina:** at 6:28 PM

Goro slowed and looked at her wide-eyed, half smiling.
"Maskarran? Well, I never."

**Izzy:** at 6:29 PM

She gave him a blank look.

**Lina:** at 6:31 PM

Goro raised an eyebrow, then shrugged. "If you didn't
mean it as an insult, how did you mean it, then? You trying to say you admire
the sneaky little devil?"

**Izzy:** at 6:32 PM

"No. But I've researched a lot of gods, and he's not the
worst." She shrugged back.

**Lina:** at 6:34 PM

"'Not the worst.' Huh. Maybe they'll put that on my
tombstone." He put a hand over his mouth and pretended to look around the
hallway they walked through. "Uh-oh. I've said too much."

**Izzy:** at 6:36 PM

She squinted at him slightly. "Oh."

**Lina:** at 6:40 PM

"Eheh. Yeah." Goro scratched his jaw and just kept
walking. This kid was... kind of weird. Not in a bad way, just, hard to talk
to. Hard to get a reaction out of. "So you're friends with Amari,
huh?"

**Izzy:** at 6:41 PM

She continued giving him an odd look. "Did she say
that?"

**Lina:** at 6:42 PM

"Uh, she said... what did she say. You two did research
together, and you're always pleasant company, or something like that. Why? That
not accurate?"

**Izzy:** at 6:44 PM

Luci blinked at him, then looked down for a moment. She
fidgeted with her staff. "No, I guess that's accurate. She did help me
research."

**Lina:** at 6:45 PM

He snorted. "No, I mean is it inaccurate that you're
friends. That was a guess on my part, but still."

**Izzy:** at 6:46 PM

After a moment, she said, "I don't know."

**Lina:** at 6:48 PM

"Huh. Well if you don't know, who does, I wonder?"

**Izzy:** at 6:50 PM

Luci shrugged again. "Amari, I suppose. I'll ask
her." She paused. "She is very nice. Hansel told me she's your mother."

**Lina:** at 6:57 PM

Goro sort of realized three things all at once, which were
that this girl might actually be as innocent as she seemed to be; that he
supposed he'd have to kill anyone who tried to hurt her, and that was fine; and
that she called Hansel by name, not "my dad." Interesting. He wasn't
sure he'd heard her addressing Hansel directly yet, so he'd have to keep an ear
out and see if that held up.

"Mhm, yeah. Not my real mother. I don't know my real
mother. She's been my mentor for a long time, and then about, I don't know,
five years ago she started calling me her son. I didn't really get any say in
the matter, hah. But yeah, she's my mother. A good one, too."

**Izzy:** at 7:10 PM

She narrowed her eyes at him again. Not my real mother. But
yeah, she's my mother. That didn't make sense. She wondered if she should say
something back about her mother, and not knowing her, either. Bonding over
shared life experiences was ... something people did. It would probably come
out wrong, though.

Besides, Goro did have a mother. Luci had Hansel, and Jonn.
They weren't the same thing.

That thought linked rapidly to another, which linked to
another, and she found herself asking, "Why are you with Hansel?"
before she could decide if that was a good idea.

**Lina:** at 7:19 PM

Goro snorted again. "I don't know, ask him. He started
it." He eyed Luci, realized that as a joke this wasn't going to go over
well, if she even registered it as a joke at all; and realized he was going to
have to cut the bullshit. Fuck. "Uh, I mean, that was... I'm just kidding,
about that. I'm with him because I, uh... love him, a lot, and you know. All
the other reasons people usually get together." She probably didn't want
to hear that he found her father fucking sexy and had fallen for him like a
rock kicked into a hole from the day Hansel first held him underwater and
kissed him. Naked. So she could fill in the damn blanks, hopefully.

**Izzy:** at 7:27 PM

What a confusing person. She hadn't given herself the time
to consider what kinds of answers would be preferable, but that one seemed
adequate. She mulled it over for a moment. Yes.

**Lina:** at 7:29 PM

Goro waited for some kind of reaction to what he'd said, and
got nothing. Yeesh. "Uh... does it... bother you? That we're
together?" She wouldn't be the first one of Hansel's fucking kids to put
up a stink about it, so it wouldn't be surprising.

**Izzy:** at 7:38 PM

"No." Right. She should have said something.
"He seems to be very happy about it."

**Lina:** at 7:43 PM

"Oh. Huh. Yeah. Yeah, and I'm... hoping I can keep him
that way. Hoping I can make him happy, I mean." Alright, slow the fuck
down Goro, before you fucking embarrass yourself. Luci hadn't signed on to hear
a bunch of sappy shit. "Hey, uh... you got any other family? You know,
besides him and Jonn?"

**Izzy:** at 7:47 PM

She shook her head. "Well. Roddy, I suppose, by
proxy." She wondered if Mishka counted, then, by proxy. Curious. "Our
birth parents died before I could remember things."

**Lina:** at 7:49 PM

"Ah. Sorry to hear that." It occurred to him that
he had no fucking clue how Hansel had met Luci and Jonn. And that seemed like
an oversight on his part, so he decided not to ask. But... nothing to stop him
from fishing a little. "Good thing you got Hansel, though."

**Izzy:** at 7:52 PM

Luci shrugged. "He was still a pirate, then. We didn't
have him." Hm. This may be one of those times where she said the wrong
thing. She twisted the staff in her hands.

**Lina:** at 7:52 PM

"Oh... yeah? How do you mean?"

**Izzy:** at 7:56 PM

She eyed him. "He didn't raise us, you know. He brought
us here, and the clerics raised us. We only saw him a few times a year."

**Lina:** at 7:58 PM

"Oh. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Pirate ship's no
place for a kid, probably. How was it, growing up here?"

**Izzy:** at 8:00 PM

"Better than starving in Skyport, I suppose." She
shrugged. It was a strange question. She didn't have any frame of reference,
any idea what could have been any better or worse. "Jonn hated it."

**Lina:** at 8:01 PM

"He would," Goro blurted before thinking the
better of it. He glanced at Luci nervously.

**Izzy:** at 8:01 PM

She looked at him blankly. "That's what I just
said."

**Lina:** at 8:03 PM

"Er, yeah. So uh, the two of you close?"

**Izzy:** at 8:06 PM

She deliberated for a moment, slipping the staff from one
hand to the other. "There's a short answer and a long answer to that
question."

**Lina:** at 8:06 PM

"Ooh, I love long answers. Give me your worst."

**Izzy:** at 8:17 PM

She frowned at him, then back at her staff, worrying the
smooth wood between her fingers. She hadn't said either answer was bad. It was
probably just one of those things people said. "I love him very much. He
saved my life when I was a baby. But he also makes a great many bad decisions,
and he doesn't listen to people who try to help him. He can be quite
terrifying. He's said he'd kill for me and die for me, but I don't find that as
comforting as I think I'm meant to. I'd rather he just ... stay alive, and not
hurt people. I used to have nightmares about him just -- showing up here."
She paused. "I don't, anymore. But I did."

Then she looked back to Goro, wincing. "I'm sorry, I
just realized I may have misunderstood. Were you asking about Hansel, or
Jonn?"

**Lina:** at 8:22 PM

"Jonn." Although he was curious about Hansel, now,
too. He wondered if she'd be just as forthcoming if he asked that next.

It had freaked him out a little, when she was talking about
Jonn. His hair actually stood on end for parts of it. It sounded like some of
the things Amari had said about him.

"Well uh, hm. At least you're on his good side,
right?"

That was... probably not the right thing to say, but what
the hell.

**Izzy:** at 8:24 PM

"Oh," she said. "Yes. Jonn would never hurt
me. I'm sorry, I was confused -- I was talking about Hansel."

**Lina:** at 8:28 PM

Goro blinked at her rapidly. "I... oh."

Then he looked straight ahead again, and walked in silence.

**Izzy:** at 8:52 PM

She realized that she had, in fact, said the wrong thing.
Well -- he shouldn't've have asked if -- but, then, he hadn't asked, to be
fair. She let the quiet sit, for a little while, organizing her thoughts.

"Every time Hansel visited us, when we were children,
he brought us gifts," she said, without looking away from her staff.
"It was very well-meaning. It was kind. He would bring me books, usually,
and when I was very small, he would read them to me until I fell asleep. He
would bring Jonn knives -- very pretty ones, made of whalebone, inset with
pearls. The clerics always took them away, because they said that children
shouldn't have knives." She twisted the staff. "But Hansel kept
bringing them, because he thought he knew better, and because it made Jonn
happy, because Jonn likes things that are pretty and sharp.

"Every time Hansel left, Jonn would do -- something
bad, before the clerics found out he had another knife." She paused.
"No one could make either of them do anything they didn't want to do. They
just kept making the same mistakes. But Jonn was always here, and he was always
good to me, and he only behaved so poorly after Hansel had visited us."

She turned her head halfway towards Goro without cutting her
eyes away from the staff. "I blamed Hansel for a long time, and I was
afraid of him. I think he was doing his best. I think his best is ... better,
now. He tried to make up for things, and help Jonn." Another brief pause.
"We both love him very much. It just doesn't change how things were,
before."

**Lina:** at 9:13 PM

Goro mulled over what she said. He had to agree, it sounded
very much like a guy doing his best. A young guy, without a fucking clue what
he should be doing, just knowing he wanted to make the people he loved happy.
And hell if that wasn't relatable.

"He is a stubborn motherfucker," he said finally.
"Trying to do better, though, yeah." Which Goro liked to think he was
at least partially to thank for. It was only fair, considering Hansel was the
main reason Goro was trying to do better.

**Izzy:** at 9:22 PM

That seemed to have made things better. Luci was mildly
pleased with herself. She usually wasn't any good at things like that -- Jonn
was, but he hadn't been able to teach her.

"Yes," she said. "Very stubborn. It's a good
thing, sometimes." She glanced at Goro. "He loves very
stubbornly."

**Lina:** at 9:32 PM

"Oh, I've noticed. Fucking nutcase about it, really. I
love that about him, though. God, I love him a lot." He really had to shut
up, immediately. Although if Luci had a shred of Jonn's protectiveness about
her, maybe it was for the best she hear Goro making a fool of himself over
Hansel.

**Izzy:** at 9:48 PM

She studied him. "I believe you. I'm not very good with
people, though. And Hansel isn't a very good judge of character." She
looked away again. "But Jonn likes you. I'll trust that you won't try to
take advantage of Hansel's trusting nature." She raised her eyebrows,
slightly, at the floor. "Mask is a sneaky devil. One of my books said that
he killed Helm, but he did it slyly, and kept his hands clean."

**Lina:** at 10:10 PM

Goro smiled. "That so? Sounds like a book I'd be
interested in reading. Maybe even if it's one of those fanciful and impractical
ones."

Then he got serious, again. "I really do fucking love
your dad, though. There haven't been many people I loved in my life, not until
recently. I grew up alone. Had no choice but to be a sneaky bastard, really.
But I fucking... want a family, you know? l mean, why would I go taking
advantage of someone who's one of the best things that ever happened to me?
Doesn't make any fucking sense.

"I think Hansel's a better judge of character than
you're making him out to be, though. He's not that bad." If Luci spent any
time around Nixie, she'd have a good point of comparison. "I think he
knows he's surrounded himself with a bunch of shitters. He just loves 'em
anyway. And, you know, a couple nice people, like you."

Goro stared at his feet for a moment, then frowned at Luci.
"Jonn likes me?"

**Izzy:** at 10:31 PM

Luci broke what he'd said into pieces and considered each
one. Not harming Hansel seemed dependent on him genuinely thinking that Hansel
was one of the best things that had ever happened to him. That part made sense.
Jonn's protectiveness of Hansel hinged on much the same thing. And she
remembered the way he had bolted for the castle, alone, when he realized that
he hadn't seen Hansel in some time -- and the way he'd screamed at a god in
defense of Hansel. She believed that part, she decided.

But she knew that Hansel wasn't a good judge of character.
Possibly, he was getting better at that too, but she was sure it was still
somewhat of a failing. It made her think Goro must be somewhat naive. Or it
bolstered how much he loved Hansel, to believe him good at something he
provably was not. Either option was acceptable, she supposed.

Then she came to the last part, which didn't require
analysis. "Yes," she said simply. "He likes anyone that he
thinks will help Hansel. He's very protective."

**Lina:** at 10:54 PM

"Huh. I mean, good. I'm just surprised since the last
time I talked to him it sounded like he was ready to do me in. I must've made a
good impression, I guess."

**Izzy:** at 11:03 PM

"On Candlenight he said he likes you." She
shrugged. "I assume he hasn't changed his mind since then."

They had promised. I'll help you, she had told him. That
meant he had to keep her in the loop of who he wanted to kill.

She tilted her head at Goro. "Do you really think it's
good, or is that just something you're saying?"

**Lina:** at 11:18 PM

Candlenight? Luci had been at the castle on Candlenight.
Jonn was still sniffing around the place, then. Troubling.

"Luci, I have seen firsthand what your brother does to
people he considers a danger to Hansel. I have no desire to join that club
anytime soon, thank you. Yes, it's a good thing."

**Izzy:** at 11:31 PM

It wasn't a perfect answer, but it was a reasonable one.

She wondered if Goro knew why Jonn had considered Mishka a
threat. She still thought that he seemed ... nice. It didn't fit, what Jonn had
written to her about him doing. Goro might have more information -- but it
seemed unlikely. He hadn't been there. Jonn had. It just didn't click.

"Eldath teaches forgiveness," she said. "Jonn
has only ever been selectively good at that. But I made him promise to not hurt
any of you, and we don't break promises to each other." She twisted the
staff, frowning.

**Lina:** at 11:37 PM

"Hmm. Define 'any of you'?"

**Izzy:** at 11:39 PM

"I specified you and Mishka."

**Lina:** at 11:43 PM

That wasn't the answer Goro had been expecting. He'd thought
anyone who lived in the castle, maybe. Anyone Hansel considered family, which
admittedly could be harder to define than just the names of two people.
"Why? Because you're worried it would hurt Hansel?"

**Izzy:** at 11:46 PM

"Yes," she said, pleased he'd caught on.

January 12, 2019

**Lina:** at 10:41 AM

Goro was skeptical of just how good Jonn could be at keeping
promises, but he was sure it wasn't his place to question. "Ah. Well. I...
guess that's a start." He bit the inside of his cheek. "How often do
you talk to Jonn? Hansel misses him. He's worried about him."

**Izzy:** at 10:53 AM

"Not often. I live here, and he isn't allowed on the
grounds, so." She hesitated. "Candlenight was the first time we'd
spoken in a couple of years." Not counting the letters. He had written to
her; she had never responded. That didn't count. "But I know he misses
Hansel and is worried about him, as well."

**Lina:** at 11:01 AM

"Luci--" Goro stopped walking and grabbed her arm,
then made himself let go, putting his hand behind his back. "Listen, I saw
him a couple weeks ago, and something wasn't right. Said it wasn't safe for him
to see your dad. Do you know anything about what's going on with him? Do you
know who that lady is he's always with, with the--" He gestured
meaninglessly at his face and the top of his head.

**Izzy:** at 11:15 AM

She recoiled slightly at the touch, but registered how
quickly he pulled away and hid his hand. Much as she still felt like taking a
half step back, she didn't -- studied him again instead, frowning.

Typically, when people wanted information about her brother,
it was because they wanted to track him down and harm him. And it wasn't as if
he didn't probably deserve it, but she still wasn't going to be party to it.
Jonn liked Goro. Jonn liked plenty of people who would slit his throat given
the chance.

On the other hand, Goro seemed to understand that Jonn was
important to Hansel. He didn't have to care about Jonn's well-being out of any
concerns for him -- only concern for Hansel's happiness, which he genuinely
seemed invested in.

"I don't know anything about --." She mimicked the
gesture he'd made, a bit perplexed by it. "He was alone when he came to
see me. But -- it's not safe for him to see Hansel because of Mishka. Because
they're together again. That's all he told me."(edited)

**Lina:** at 11:29 AM

"Well... if he was alone when you saw him, I guess
that's good. Means he's not a fucking captive, or anything. The lady I saw him
with--she was wearing this mask. I don't know. There's something up with the
thieves' guild he's in. I don't expect you to really know anything about it, I
know that's not the life you're living. But... damn." Goro looked away and
shook his head. He got such a weird feeling about it all. There was something
off, and Jonn wasn't safe, and if anything happened to him it'd gut Hansel.
"I want to help, but I don't have a clue how. You don't have a way to get
in touch with him, do you?"

**Izzy:** at 1:22 PM

"No," she lied.

**Lina:** at 5:50 PM

Goro stared her down, wondering if he could get her to crack
just by looking at her without blinking. With a lot of people, he could.

**Izzy:** at 5:58 PM

She stared back at him, equally unblinking.

**Lina:** at 6:07 PM

"Listen. You're trying to keep him safe, right? Or...
hell, trying to keep yourself safe, for that matter. I fucking swear to you, I
don't have any intention of fucking Jonn over. I want to see if he's okay. See
if I can do anything to get him out of whatever shitty situation he's in. For
your dad's sake, alright?"

**Izzy:** at 6:21 PM

"It's not a matter of keeping him safe," she said
hesitantly. "I do have a way of getting in touch with him. I'm just not
supposed to tell anyone what it is. But -- I didn't promise, I guess."

**Lina:** at 6:40 PM

"Eh. If you're not supposed to tell, then don't tell.
Don't give him a reason not to trust you." Goro started walking again.
"I'll just... keep you in mind if I need to get a message to him, or
something. Alright?"

**Izzy:** at 6:57 PM

She nodded and followed along.

**Lina:** at 7:36 PM

They walked the rest of the way to Amari's room in silence,
but Goro kept tossing her glances every now and then.

Weird fuckin' girl. Ran in the family, maybe, and she'd just
happened to steer her weirdness in a different direction from Jonn. Goro supposed
they should all be fucking grateful for that.

He still got the feeling he was missing something, with her.
Paranoia, maybe--but that was Goro. A paranoid fucking guy.

[end]

**Izzy:** at 8:40 PM

Title: Resolution. Summary: Goro and Hansel go to visit Amari.
Goro naps but has a nightmare; Hansel has an awkward conversation with Amari
and edges towards a panic attack; Amari saves the day and gives them space to
talk out their Issues. Goro also has a talk with Lucienne about Hansel and
Jonn.

January 14, 2019