Fake TPOT 35a: B*R*A*S*I*L

Warning! This page may contain **spoilers** of a popular video.

"**B\*R\*A\*S\*I\*L**" is the first part of the non-canon thirty-fifth episode of *TPOT* by Jacknjellify. It was released on 11 April 1985. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. "**Brasil**" is an alternate title for those who do not like asterisks. During the creation process, this episode was known as "**Del Ett**", the first in a two-part special known as "The Swedish Show".

Author's note: Yep, it's styled just like *M\*A\*S\*H*, which is also an acronym. If you want to know what this episode's title stands for, just keep reading. I can't put it up here because of spoilers.

Description if this were on YouTube:

Well, isn't this a pretty mess? Two and Five are having their first major argument since they joined the show. All has been harmonious up till now, and the contestants are starting to notice. Will they make it up by the time part A is over? Find out in this epic two-parter of THE POWER OF TWO (and not Five)!!

Also, there's a debut. I wonder who it could be... but why do I hear samba music?

Previous episode: "Topendia Tuorum"

Next episode: "This Insvenska Thing"

## Cold open

[*A longer version of the dialogue from the stinger of the previous episode. Note that this scene takes place on 15 November 1983, concurrent with TPOT 31.*]

### **Ocean**

**Scene**The FEXITers are relaxing as extremely calm and mystical music plays in the background. Think of the beginning of BFDIA 5c.
* **Ma****tch**: You know... I feel like I'm at peace with, like, the world.
* **P****e****nci****l**: So true. Who cares if the ocean's all we see from now on? It's like our own personal afterlife or something.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: If you're implying that after death, you end up surrounded by increasingly shallow waters, your voices as the only company and fruit raining down from above, I will gladly accept this new life.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Wait, fruit's not raining down from above!

[*A banana falls from the sky. Everyone gasps.*]

* **David**: Aww, seriously?
* **8****-****Ball**: Is that a—
* **Bracel****ety**: It's Bomby's only personality trait!
* **8****-****Ball**: No, it is a banana.

[*A pineapple falls and hits Firey Jr.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Oof!
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Pineapple?

[*Suddenly, an assortment of fruits falls from the sky.*]

* **Bracel****ety**: *Ooooooh!*
* **8****-****Ball**: Why is it raining fruits?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Never mind that, *it's food that isn't yoyleberries!*
* **Ma****tch**: Dig in, witches!
* **Bracel****ety**: Yay, food!

[*They all begin to take in as much fruits as possible.*]

* **Stap****y-F****exit**: You know what they say.
* **Ma****tch**: Hold on, Stapy-Fexit-y, I'm, like, enjoying this feast.
* **Bracel****ety**: Praise Lord Ice Cube!
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Where there's food coming down from the heavens, there must be—
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: ***LAND HO!***
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, like, *what* did you call me?
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: It's an expression. They say it in all the pictures, you know.
* **Ma****tch**: Of course I'd know. I watch pirate movies, like, like, *all the time*.
* **P****e****nci****l**: She dreams of being taken on the high seas.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: No, you boobs, look!

[*Everyone turns around to see a beach approaching them with some buildings in the background. They all get up in excitement.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: [*pointing*] ***LAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!***

[*The FEXITers shout in excitement, leading to the intro.*]

## Pre–Cake at Stake

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene**Back in the present day, *i.e.* 1985, the contestants are sitting and talking to one another. Enter **Two** in a melodramatic fashion.
* **Two**: It's time... for Cake at ♫ *Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!* ♫
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Something must be wrong.
* **Two**: What makes you think that?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: Because you always sing awkwardly when you've done something wrong.
* **Two**: And you sing abysmally, Clock. Anyway, I would like all of you to come with me to my office.
* **S****aw**: Ooh, are we doing Cake at Stake from there?
* **Two**: No. I want you to know why I'm acting a bit strange.
* **S****aw**: Oh. Okay!
* **B****o****k**: This is a little unusual.
* **Li****y**: Come on, let's go!

[*Exeunt omnes into Two's hotel.*]

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**The contestants follow Two into their office. To get there, they have to crawl through a drawer underneath the front desk, which was not visible until this episode.
* **Two**: Right this way, everybody.
* **P****i****n**: This is so exciting.
* **Golf Ball**: We have never been allowed into this host's office before!

### **Two's and Five's office**

**Scene**A rare glimpse into the space Two and Five live when they are not hosting. The office is clearly much bigger on the inside; in fact, it looks like a cross between a student dorm and a very cluttered apartment building.
* **Everyone**: Ooooooh.
* **S****aw**: Nice place you've got here, Two.
* **Five**: Yeah, it would be nice if this place was in pristine condition. Two, are you really sending your contestants on a tour of this place?
* **Two**: Only because they deserve to know how I'm feeling about you right now!
* **Five**: In the worst possible condition, arrrgh!
* **Winner**: Are you two okay?
* **Two**: Before I was in the presence of Five, I, *Two*, was okay! But as you can all see, Five and I are currently disagreeing with each other.
* **Winner**: Well, that's not good.
* **Two**: No, no, it isn't.
* **Five**: And it's all because of this even prime's tendency to put things where they don't belong! Who puts pantaloons in the same drawer as overdue library books, potted plants and broken plates?
* **Golf Ball**: Wait a minute, Two. You wear *pantaloons?*
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: As in... human-based clothing?
* **Two**: Only when we dress up, like at the Regency-themed dance festival we were meant to attend tomorrow.
* **Five**: And we'll both have to miss it just because only one of us, that being your main host, is the most disorganized person in the universe. It's, it's frankly disgusting and absolutely inexcusable!
* **Two**: I said I was sorry I made you feel that way!
* **Five**: An apology shouldn't be about yourself; you're supposed to quietly better yourself while leaving me alone!
* **Two**: That is a terrible way to put it! I leave you alone!
* **Five**: Not when you're still here right now.

### **Hotel lobby**

**Scene**Exeunt omnes, quietly. Neither Two nor Five notice, as they are arguing with each other.
* **P****en**: I tell ya, I just hate the idea of our hosts not getting along.
* **Li****y**: You hate conflict, don't you?
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Well, he's not wrong. In fact, it's making me feel a bit awkward too. What shall we do?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Nothing. This is a numbers' problem.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You just want to host an episode.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: The *power*.

[**Two** *sticks their head out of the drawer.*]

* **Two**: Oh, everyone, go upstairs for Cake at Stake. It looks like today I'm having a go at it by myself. [*sighs lengthily*] Haaaaaaaaaaaaa—
* **C****l****o****c****k**: *Just go!*
* **Two**: You go! Do you know how hard it is to get you all up there by myself?
* **P****i****n**: Um... very?

## Brazil (FEXITers' scenes)

### **Beach at Novo Algarve**

**Scene**The FEXITers use their arms to sail themselves onto the beach. They all get up from the island and fall down from exhaustion. Tropical music can be heard, which gets louder and louder as the FEXITers approach the shore and fall on the sand.
* **Ma****tch**: [*moaning*] Oaaaaauauuauauaaaaaagggh-u-u-u-u-u-hunka-hunka-hunka-hunka-bzzzglglglglglglgl—
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Match!*
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: What the *frick?*
* **Ma****tch**: You prudes, is that not a natural reaction when you're standing on actual land and not *vomit?*
* **Do****ra**: Bulleh!

[*Dora vomits an island onto the beach.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Like, wake up, like, peoples. We haven't, like, been away from the sea in... in...
* **8****-****Ball**: 3,672 days.
* **Ma****tch**: So that's, like, a thousand years.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Ten years, Match.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: I feel like such a castaway.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, I wouldn't be surprised if people started queueing up to talk to us.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: If they remember who we are...
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Where even are we?

[*They all look up to see a big sign on the beach with the words "Bem-vindos ao Novo Algarve, BRASIL!"*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Omg, omg, omg, Brazil! My mum's birthplace! Get up, people!
* **8****-****Ball**: Can we not do that right now?
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, I want to, like, wait a while.
* **David**: Aww, seriously?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, we lie down on this real, *actual sand*, and then up we go. Ten minutes.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Make that twenty.
* **8****-****Ball**: Make that eight. [*Beat.*] ...ty.
* **The rest**: Yeaaaaaah.

[**Dora** *walks off as the other FEXITers lie face-down on the sand.*]

* **French narrator**: Eighty minutes later.
* **8****-****Ball**: Okay, it's been eighty minutes.
* **Ma****tch**: Can we, like, extend that for eighty *more* minutes?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Fine.
* **French narrator**: Eighty minutes later.
* **Ma****tch**: Can we lie here a little longer?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Yeah, can we?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Fine.
* **French narrator**: Eighty minutes later.
* **Ma****tch**: Can we—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Fine.
* **French narrator**: Eighty minutes later.
* **Ma****tch**: Can we—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Fine.
* **French narrator**: Eighty minutes later.

[*It is now evening.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Can we—
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*getting up*] *No*, I want to get up now, and I'm surprised that *you* of all people want to stay lying here! Do you know where we are? We are in the land of the happiest, most beautiful people on the planet, and all of you just want to lie here like a bunch of inanimate objects, and that's not who we are! So for the love of all that is good and holy, can we finally get up?
* **Ma****tch**: [*sigh*] You're right. Gotta get my game on, eh? Like, ***OMG!***

[*Match looks up and sees a guy,* **Carro-los**, *walking past her and the other EXITers.*]

* **Ma****tch**: I'll be right back.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Don't say anything that could get you arrested. We are in Brazil.
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[*Exit* **Match**.]

* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Why don't we see what this place has to offer?
* **Bracel****ety**: And be around all these people? [*points at the crowds on the cliff*] I don't know.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Don't y'all worry, she can hide inside me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Firey Jr., are you implying that you want to burn Bracelety to death?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Aw, man! I should have said that more subtly.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*facepalms*] Just... just follow me, everybody.
* **8****-****Ball**: And me.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aye, that's right. We can show you know-nothings around because we both speak Portuguese.
* **8****-****Ball**: *O idioma da terra.*

### **Town market**

**Scene**Led by Pencil and 8-Ball, the **FEXITers** (minus Dora and Match) walk around Novo Algarve, the small town atop the cliff. A quiet bossa nova version of the popular song "Aquarela do Brasil" plays in the background as Pencil waves at the denizens and tourists of the town, who happily wave back at her. (Not because she's famous, but because they feel she is a local.)
* **Bracel****ety**: Wow! Everyone's so nice here! Maybe they're just as nice as ***ICE CUBE!***
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: They're nice because they haven't heard us running our mouths yet. And by us, I mean Match.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yeah, she's probably having too much fun right now.
* **Bracel****ety**: You don't miss her or anything, do you?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Aeh, I mean, we've all been at sea for ten years, and that's not even counting our years together in the EXIT, so it's quite strange not to have her by my side. [*Silence.*] Really strange.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Mm-hmm.

[*Enter* **Match**.]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, guys, I'm, like, baaaack!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Match, I've missed you!

[*They hug.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: How was your date, girl?
* **Ma****tch**: Oh, it was, like, wonderful. We passed a bowling alley. And we went *inside*.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: [*rolling his eyes*] Oy vey.
* **8****-****Ball**: I didn't know it was that easy to find an English speaker in these parts. Novo Algarve, it's a really small town that tourists never visit, you know.
* **Ma****tch**: Like, he didn't speak any English, but he did know how to rock me harder than my fellow Canadian Paul Anchor rocked the Brooklyn Bowl back in 1960—
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: *Match!*
* **Ma****tch**: Okay, heheh, it was nice, but then I realized, like, I was starting to miss you guys, so here I, like, *am*.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: How did you find us up here? [*points at the beach in the distance*]
* **Ma****tch**: Please, I've been with you peoples for, like, ten billion years straight. I know where my true friends are.

[*Bracelety gasps.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: You think I'm your friend?
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, like, all of you.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, it's so great that all of us FEXITers are back together, doing the same things again. Bracelety, what the hell are you doing?

[*Bracelety is standing at a stall that sells Dora dolls, like the ones in* Inanimate Insanity.]

* **Bracel****ety**: Pencil, what's a *cruzeiro*?
* **P****e****nci****l**: A song by The Vehicles. /s Brace, none of us have any money! We can't afford to buy anything in these shops.
* **Bracel****ety**: [*pickpocketing someone's handbag*] Yes, we can! [*to the vendor*] One Dora doll, please!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Er... *um por favor, senhor.*

[*The vendor happily hands Bracelety a Dora doll.*]

* **Qu****adr****a****do**: *Aqui está, estranhas amigáveis!*
* **Bracel****ety**: *Yaaaaay!* I'm going to name you ***ICE CUUUUBE!***
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, little girl... Let's take you away from... here. [*gives the side-eye to the woman Bracelety stole from*] This is not how we behave in public.
* **Bracel****ety**: I'm sorry, Pencil, cut me some slack!
* **8****-****Ball**: Don't you know? Not all of us are used to social niceties after more than a decade in isolation.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Firey Underwear Jr., don't you *dare* do that!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: [*running through the street with underwear over his eyes*] Nyeh-heh-heh, make me!

[*Pencil rolls her eyes.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg.
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's not that bad; these dum-dums are louts compared to the civilized folk we are.
* **Ma****tch**: No, like, they have *Dora* dolls here? Why don't they have, like, *me* dolls? Does nobody recognize me from BFB?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Maybe Dora's from here; I don't know. Although you are right about nobody knowing who we are. The bloke who sold us the Dora doll called us *friendly strangers*.
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, and, like, Carro-los called me *essa rapariga*. I think that's, like, foreign for *pasty fish*.

[*Pencil facepalms.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Maybe we're just thinking about this wrong.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Yeah, you've just got to put your thinking cap on, guys!
* **Ma****tch**: [*putting on a hat*] What do you think I'm doing now, Stapy-Fexit? [*Aside.*] Let's see... It's 1983, BFB ended in 1973. [*Aloud*] Omg, we've been out of the spotlight for, like, ten years now! Pen's getting more nortspookie than I am? Oh-em-geeeeeeeee! [*starting to cry*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*patting Match's back*] Oh, Match, sweet little Match, girl, you'll be fine! And I'm sure people will look at us and say, "Hey, it's the BFB contestants!" Of course, they'll be saying it in Portuguese, but... you're alright.
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, like, right.

[*Match sees* **Arohula**, *a little girl who is shopping with her mother. Match approaches her and speaks loudly and slowly.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Do... you... know who... *I... aaaaaam?*
* **A****r****ohu****l****a**: Aaaah, *perigo de estranhos!*

[**Arohula** *and her mother run off.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, she, like, knows!
* **P****e****nci****l**: No, she doesn't; she literally said "stranger danger".
* **Ma****tch**: Then why did she run away? She must, like, totally know me as the BFB mean girl. [*smirks*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: You're not mean! You're just misguided; that's all.
* **Voice**: Pencil? Match?

[*Pencil and Match gasp and turn around to see* **Telavelha**, *the 1980s version of an iPad/MePad screen.*]

* **[** **P****e****nci****l** · **Ma****tch** **]**: Yes?
* **T****e****l****avel****h****a**: I cannot believe that is you! In our country!
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Olá, é tão bom ver alguém que sabe quem nós somos!* [*Subtitles: "Hi, it's so nice to see someone who knows who we are!"*]
* **T****e****l****avel****h****a**: *Sim!*
* **Ma****tch**: Um... I love, like, your country's bowling venues. *Muito*, um, like... [*Aside, to Pencil.*] How do you say *hot*?
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Quente*.
* **Ma****tch**: [*to Telavelha*] *Quente*.

[*Telavelha nods slightly and looks away awkwardly.*]

* **T****e****l****avel****h****a**: Yes, oh, I speak English, actually. My name's Telavelha Mimbloco Cruz.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, I like her already. My name is Match Zapalka.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And I'm Pencil Badhrasa Carmencita Ohisa Triángolo! *A mãe é brasileira.*
* **T****e****l****avel****h****a**: I know, very well! [*laughs a bit*] Everyone in Brazil knows who you are.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Really? Because the show we were on ended ten years ago, and no one seems to recognize us over here.
* **Ma****tch**: It's made us, like, *soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo*—
* **P****e****nci****l**: Match!
* **Ma****tch**: Sad. So sad.
* **T****e****l****avel****h****a**: Oh. I'm sorry about that. Maybe I should remind them about you, shouldn't I?
* **Ma****tch**: [*excited*] Yes!

[*Telavelha steps into the middle of the market and changes her screen to the first episode of BFDI. There on her screen are Match and Pencil, who are speaking in a Portuguese dub of the show.*]

**Ma****tch**: *Sim, eu sei, ela ficou tão sorpresa!*
**P****e****nci****l**: *É mesmo?*
**Ma****tch**: *Ah, com certeza! Quer dizer não é tão grande...*
[*Match gasps in real life.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, that's, like, us!
* **T****e****l****avel****h****a**: I can make it louder if you want!
* **Ma****tch**: Yaaaay, more attention! [*high-fives Pencil*]

[*As Telavelha's broadcast gets louder, a crowd begins to form around her and the FEXITers. Everyone starts talking excitedly at the same time.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Wow, we're, like, superstars!
* **P****e****nci****l**: And nobody's throwing rocks at us!

[*The other FEXITers rejoin Match and Pencil.*]

* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Is this all your doing?
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah!
* **R****o****b****oty**: Outgoing people be crazy.

[*The broadcast ends.*]

* **T****e****l****avel****h****a**: Do you see? All us love you here!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, *muito obrigados* for showing us!
* **T****e****l****avel****h****a**: We even have a song!
* **P****e****nci****l**: For us?
* **Ma****tch**: [*Aside.*] This is too much. But I do love songs!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Let's hear it!
* **Mestre**: *Senhoras e senhores do Novo Algarve, por favor, dêem as boas-vindas a Car-Mon Miranda!*
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Car-men Miranda?
* **8****-****Ball**: I didn't know she was still around.

[*All make way for* **Car-Mon Miranda**, *a bejewelled headdress and the town's resident drag queen who sings this episode's show-stopping tune. Silence, as Car-Mon clears her throat and begins to sing a samba song to the tune of "Canta, canta, minha gente" by Martinho da Vila.*]

**Song: "Os fugitivos de álgebra"**

**Vocalist(s)**: Car-Mon Miranda & The Novo Algarve Townsfolk, feat. Pencil and Stapy(-Fexit)

**C****a****r****-****M****o****n**: ♫ Match and Pencil, Stapy, 8-Ball,

Firey Jr., Bracelety,

Dora, David and Roboty—

They come here from the EXIT-y.

They are as happy as can be,

Freed from Four's E-X-I-T.

**Chorus**: Freed from Four's E-X-I-T,

They are as happy as can be!

[*Instrumental break.*]

* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Are they singing about us?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: No, Stapy-Fexit, this song is about people with the same name as us. /s
* **P****e****nci****l**: Good sarcasm there.
* **C****a****r****-****M****o****n**: Ah, Pencil!
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Olá!*
* **C****a****r****-****M****o****n**: You are something of our hero in these parts! You would like to sing a verse?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Would I? Oh, I'm so honoured; thank you, *obrigada!*
* **C****a****r****-****M****o****n**: Yes, have fun!

[*Car-Mon hands the microphone over to Pencil and she starts to sing.*]

**P****e****nci****l**: ♫ Though the show's smartest writing equipment,

I never was the centre of people's attention;

But of Four, I became the first shipment,

In BFB 2 to my haters' pretension.

And now that I'm here and I'm singing

In this little city, your beautiful city,

I can feel all the joy that you're bringing—

Perhaps this new life won't be all that sh...ish-ish-ish! ♫

[*The music lowers as Pencil tries not to let out a non–broadcast-friendly word. She laughs, which makes everyone else laugh, and the music starts again.*]

**C****a****r****-****M****o****n** **& Chorus**: ♫ Match and Pencil, Stapy, 8-Ball,

Firey Jr., Bracelety,

Dora, David and Roboty—

They come here from the EXIT-y. (**C****a****r****-****M****o****n**: Pencil and Match now!)

Pencil, Match, and Stapy, 8-Ball,

Firey Jr., Bracelety—

Not to mention these three floaters:

David and Dora, Roboty.

**C****a****r****-****M****o****n**: They are as happy as can be,

**Chorus**: Freed from Four's E-X-I-T.

**C****a****r****-****M****o****n**: Yes, they are free from the EXIT-y,

**Chorus**: They are as happy as can be! ♫

[*Instrumental break.*]

* **Ma****tch**: And you, like, made this up by yourself?
* **C****a****r****-****M****o****n**: Yes, I love to invent songs while I go!
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, Penc-penc, he's, like, a Brazilian Chipsy Russell!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Who?
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: [*raising his hand*] May I have a go?
* **C****a****r****-****M****o****n**: Are you ready to do a verse about what you want?
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: Heck, yeah!
* **C****a****r****-****M****o****n**: Go for it!
* **Ma****tch**: [*Aside.*] Just don't sing of the carnal pleasures of Foldy.
* **Stap****y-F****exit**: While that's always a good idea, I've got something better.

**Stap****y-F****exit**: ♫ When I first spent my days in the ocean,

They all called me Stapy, they all called me Stapy;

Yet I soon had developed the notion

That what I was called had a rhyme in "Oh, hey, pee".

But as I hear your melodious voices

On our Brazilian vacation extended,

It's like I can't make no more silly choices,

So just call me Stapy; I won't be offended! [*Laughter.*]

[*The FEXITers form a conga line and move towards the beach as the whole town begins to dance.*]

**Chorus**: Match and Pencil, *Stapy*, 8-Ball,

Firey Jr., Bracelety,

Dora, David and Roboty—

They come here from the EXIT-y.

Pencil, Match, and Stapy, 8-Ball,

Firey Jr., Bracelety—

Not to mention these three floaters:

David and Dora, Roboty.

**C****a****r****-****M****o****n**: They are as happy as can be,

**Chorus**: Freed from Four's E-X-I-T.

**C****a****r****-****M****o****n**: Yes, they are free from the EXIT-y,

**Chorus**: And they're as happy as can be!

**All** (including the FEXITers): And now they're (we're) heading for the sea

To say, "Farewell, New Algar-vee!"

Oh, now they're (we're) heading for the sea

To say, "Farewell, New Algar-vee!" [*repeat a niente*] ♫

### **Municipal shipyard**

**Scene**The music continues as the FEXITers make their way to the municipal shipyard. They are greeted by **Chapéu de Marinheiro**, a middle-aged sailor's cap.
* **C****h****ap****é****u**: *Olá!*
* **[** **FEXITers** · **David** **]**: [*with varying degrees of enthusiasm*] **[** *Olá!* · Aww, seriously? **]**
* **Ma****tch**: [*badly whistling*] Woot-woot-woo!
* **C****h****ap****é****u**: A boat for all you!

[*Chapéu presents the FEXITers with a small sailing ship, but because of the location of his arms, it looks like he's pointing at a larger boat. They all gasp.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, a sailboat!
* **Bracel****ety**: ***THAILBOAT!***
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Obrigados!*

[*The music still plays quietly as the FEXITers get into the wrong boat.*]

* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Finally, we can sail around the world instead of being stuck on that stupid island!
* **St****a****py**: To wherever we want.
* **8****-****Ball**: Yeah, but then we'll have to miss the party.
* **Bracel****ety**: I don't want to miss the party!
* **Ma****tch**: I've got, like, a better idea. [*to Chapéu*] Like, sir? Does this boat go on, like, land?

[*Silence.*]

* **Ma****tch**: [*Aside.*] Pencil.
* **P****e****nci****l**: *Podemos velejar este barco em terra?*
* **C****h****ap****é****u**: *Se quiserem, ó famosos!* [*Subtitles: "If you want, O famous ones!"*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: He said *yes*.
* **Ma****tch**: Yay!

### **Town market**

**Scene**The FEXITers use their hands to bring the boat to the shore and try to steer it awkwardly through the town streets. The townsfolk look on at them in amusement. **Chapéu** runs after his personal sailing boat; the FEXITers were supposed to take the ship meant for tourists instead.
* **St****a****py**: [*struggling*] I will never try this again.
* **C****h****ap****é****u**: Safe travelling!
* **Ma****tch**: [*making a phone gesture*] Call me!
* **8****-****Ball**: *Por favor, desculpe o fósforo, que não assistiu ao bólingue* *em treze anos.* [*Subtitles: "Please excuse the matchstick; she's gone without for thirteen years."*]

[**Chapéu** *waves goodbye to his boat with tears in his eyes. Meanwhile, as the FEXITers make their way out of the town into the forest.*]

* **Ma****tch**: Omg, I'm, like, getting tired.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: This was your idea!
* **P****e****nci****l**: And we're doing this all the way to Kenya?
* **Bracel****ety**: Adventure!

[*Going through the town, the FEXIters pass* **Black Hole** *and* **Remote**, *who are secretly on holiday from the TPOT set. In humanaho, they both wear sunglasses so as not to be recognized as current competitors, while as objects, only Remote wears them (because Black Hole doesn't have eyes). The two of them notice them all stupidly sailing the boat on land.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: EXITers?
* **8****-****Ball**: Remote?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: 8-Ball?
* **R****o****b****oty**: Black Hole?
* **Bracel****ety**: *Ice Cube **ALL THE WAAAAAY!***
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Sail faster, people!
* **Ma****tch**: Wait, where's, like, Dora?
* **P****e****nci****l**: We're not turning back now!
* **Ma****tch**: Aye-aye, bumboat woman!

[*As soon as the FEXITers are out of sight.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: I've never been in a sailboat before, but that's obviously not how you do it.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Let's never speak of this again.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Agreed.

## Cake at Stake

* **French Narrator**: Fifteen months later.

[*Cake at Stake theme, followed by the weird static that usually signifies a break in time.*]

### **Hotel roof**

**Scene**Just as the French narrator said, this is a time skip of over a year (more specifically, 454 days, from 15 November 1983 to 11 February 1985). We are now near the end of Cake at Stake, where we see **Two** standing in the middle of the "totally radical" arena on the roof of the hotel. They are surrounded by most of **The Squishy Bunch**, the team that *was* up for elimination and, in the back, **Namely Ties** (minus Price Tag), who were not up for elimination.
* **Two**: And so is Tree, who is strangely not here right now.

[*Two tosses a pair of golden boots at Tree's empty platform.*]

* **Two**: Alright, the rest of The Squishy Bunch have all been declared safe.

[*View of the contestants declared safe (***Remote***,* **Pen***,* **Black Hole***,* **Liy** *and* **Pin***), who have numbers above them on the screen showing how many votes they received. They are all carrying golden boots, the Cake at Stake prize for this episode. There are two empty platforms with boots on them, meant for Tree and Coiny (who is dead).*]

* **Two**: It is now down to Bok... and Saw.

[*View of Bok and Saw, who both look nervous.*]

* **Two**: Who will be sent to the Filing Cabinet today? Let's see! [*accidentally drops their card*]

[*Two bends over to pick up the card.*]

* **P****i****n**: [*imitating a drumroll*] Baddagiddabaddagiddabaddagiddabaddagidda. [*She stops when she sees Two looking at her.*] I'm sorry; I've been spending too much time with my deceased husband.

[*Awkward silence.*]

* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: You know I wore the "Accidental Murderer" hat.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: And then you sucked it up.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Yes. Yes, I did. Lightning would be proud of me for sure.
* **Two**: Oooooo... kay. The person eliminated in this episode is... ***SAW!***
* **S****aw**: What? I have to leave?
* **Two**: Yes, but it was nice knowing you, by the way. You are very unproblematic for a stupid object.
* **S****aw**: Aww, thanks, that's really nice to hea... hey, w***8!***
* **Two**: Goodbye, Saw!
* **S****aw**: [*excited*] Byyeee-eeeee!

[**Saw** *waves goodbye as she gets zapped into the Filing Cabinet. That's what this episode title stands for: "But really, a Saw is leaving."*]

## Post–Cake at Stake

* **Two**: Well, that was a happy goodbye.
* **Li****y**: Of course; she's going to see Gaty again!
* **Two**: *You know?*
* **Li****y**: Easy there, Two, I've never been to the FC!
* **Baske****t****ball**: [*Aside, to Winner.*] Heh, heh, Two's bald.
* **P****i****n**: Saw will be missed, but I'm proud of her.
* **Li****y**: Yeah, me too. Now she has someone who can organize her life for her! /j

[*Two suddenly gets into Liy's face.*]

* **Two**: Don't talk like that, Exix!
* **Li****y**: Wha— oh... yeah. [*Aside.*] My name's Exix, heehee.
* **Two**: How dare you mention that fuddy-duddy-nuddy!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: *Nuddy*?

[*Two turns around and inhales. They turn around again with an artificial smile plastered on their face.*]

* **Two**: [*high-pitched voice*] Elimination time adjourned!
* **Golf Ball**: *Elimination time*?
* **Winner**: ♫ Duh-duh. ♫
* **Baske****t****ball**: I think you've got the wrong show there, Two.
* **Two**: Whatever!

[*Exeunt omnes. As Two watches everyone go downstairs, they frown intensely and begin to pose in a poetic fashion.*]

* **Two**: [*weeping the clichéd single tear*] Mooimooimooimooimooi.

## Pre-contest prep

### **Outside the hotel**

**Scene**The contestants talk to one another again. For the most part, they seem unfazed by Two's behaviour. With **Basketball**, **Golf Ball** and **Tennis Ball**.
* **Golf Ball**: You cannot be kidding me now, Basketball!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Why wouldn't I? Do these eyes look scared to you?

[*Zoom into Basketball, but her eyes have been hastily and comically replaced with those of humans, like on SpongeBob.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Okay, perhaps you have a point.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Why do I have to talk to Snowball anyway?
* **Golf Ball**: Because you are the only one out of us who speaks a language derived from Latin.
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Actually, I know a little Spanish.
* **Golf Ball**: You are the only one who is proficient in such a language.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Why not go up to Pen? [*indicates him, who is chatting with Black Hole, Remote and Liy*] Isn't he, like, fluent in Italian?
* **Golf Ball**: Yes, but getting him to do something is more difficult than the Twelve Labours of Hercules. Theola's border collie has less energy than he does!
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: And he's a handful.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Oh, fine, guys, I'll talk to SB.
* **Golf Ball**: Remember: Get Snowball to say something back to you!
* **Baske****t****ball**: Yes, lab "equal". /s

[*Basketball smiles a bit before she approaches* **Snowball**. *As soon as she gets within a certain distance of him, she backs out, as though affected by a force field.*]

* **Golf Ball**: Really now, Basketball?
* **Baske****t****ball**: It's not that I'm physically unable to approach him, but his costume is just too hard for me to understand! It's been over a year; why hasn't he taken it off yet? It's so wrong!
* **Golf Ball**: I think that sounds like an excuse. And you know what we tell the children about excuses, right, Tennis Ball?
* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: [*half-heartedly*] Excuses are like pennies; they're worth nothing when put in front of the intelligent.
* **Baske****t****ball**: Gosh, what a quote.
* **Golf Ball**: Thirty years and it still works.
* **Baske****t****ball**: But isn't that, like, racist to... Coiny?

[*Silence as Tennis Ball and Golf Ball look at each other.*]

* **T****e****nnis Ba****l****l**: Huh, I guess it is.

[*Enter* **Two**, *wearing the outfit of a stereotypical gym coach from a contemporary TV show: they have a white tracksuit and a green sweatband, topped off with a white baseball cap (not unlike the ones Pen has been wearing often in humanaho). They blow a whistle, scaring everyone.*]

* **T****w****o**: Attention, everyone!
* **B****o****k**: Whoa, that's an interesting outfit you have there, Two.
* **P****en**: Nice hat, buddy!
* **T****w****o**: [*facepalms*] No, I am not trying to look like any of you. In today's contest preparation, I shall no longer call myself the host of you nasty creatures!
* **Golf Ball**: [*Aside, to Tennis Ball*] Nasty?
* **C****l****o****c****k**: No hosts? I declare it's time for *anarchy*, with me in charge!
* **T****w****o**: ***Sit down, Clock.***

[*Clock sits down, scared.*]

* **T****w****o**: You have all been very naughty objects lately for even thinking of associating with that treacherous pentagon-brain.
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: Pentagon-brain?
* **Golf Ball**: And what does our being objects have to do with it?
* **T****w****o**: [*ignoring them both*] So today, I will be your coach! You will now give me five laps around the set area!
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Laps? But I don't have any knees.
* **Baske****t****ball**: You know, I read that penguins don't have knees.
* **B****o****k**: No, Black Hole, they mean *laps*, as in running around the area.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Oh. Okay.
* **T****w****o**: I haven't got enough time to think up a contest myself, so do the contest preparation! And do it now! And give me five laps!

## Contest prep

* **T****w****o**: And do it *now!*

[*Clock looks upwards briskly, as if he has just been reminded of his service days.*]

* **C****l****o****c****k**: *Oui, algèbralien!*

[*Clock starts running.*]

* **T****w****o**: Well, aren't you going to follow him?

[*The contestants all look at one another.*]

* **All**: [*imitating Clock*] Whee, algebralien!

[*They all start running around the boundaries of the set.*]

* **T****w****o**: [*nemini loquens*] That was easy.

### **Off-set**

**Scene**Outside the set. A rather rusty car approaches the newly-refurbished, heavenly-inspired pearly gates outside the TPOT set, which contains the Second Hotel and around which the still-in contestants are still in circulation. The car stops and parks next to Two's limousine from episode 17. All the FEXITers are inside, but we don't see them just yet.
* **Ma****tch**: ♫ We're heeeeeere! ♫
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Yeah, that's what you've been singing for the last hundred stops.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Literally!
* **Ma****tch**: But we're, like, actually here, so it's fine.
* **8****-****Ball**: True that. Now tell me if you can see my wife.
* **Bracel****ety**: And *Icyyyyy!*
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sit tight, we haven't even left the car yet.
* **St****a****py**: We can do it now.
* **Ma****tch**: Naaaaah, let's, like, wait a while.
* **8****-****Ball**: Eighty minutes.
* **David**: Aww, seriously?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, eighty minutes. Then we're out.
* **Ma****tch**: You just want to see my brother.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Fourteen fricking years.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Shut up, people, I want these minutes to last.
* **French narrator**: Eighty minutes later.

[*Eighty minutes later, the sun is in a different place in the sky from before the time card.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Okay, get out.

[*The eight remaining FEXITers (minus Dora) fall out of the car and land on the grass.*]

* **R****o****b****oty**: We have reached our destination.
* **Bracel****ety**: Can we go in?
* **P****e****nci****l**: I don't know; you remember what Two said. Anybody who enters the set must turn into a contestant.

[*Stapy gets up, followed by everyone else.*]

* **St****a****py**: Eugh, I don't feel like competing for the rest of another season.
* **Ma****tch**: Not even to look at, like, *Exix*?
* **St****a****py**: I just want to sleep.
* **8****-****Ball**: Yeah, sleep sounds like a good idea.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Sure, but not here. I want to walk up to Two and demand a room in the hotel we've been eyeing for ages.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, don't be, like, such a me! But since you drove, like, everything, I'm making you nap. You must be so, like, tired!
* **P****e****nci****l**: I don't get tired.
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: But you've been sailing and driving and submarining and riding yaks that ***AREN'T HORSES, MATCH!***
* **Ma****tch**: What are you, like, talking about?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: When we were on our way here, and we stopped in Goikyan Nepal, and we all chipped in to steal someone's transportation, you said, "I think, like, horse girls are, like, totally in right now." And It was clearly a yak, dude!
* **Ma****tch**: You're never going to live that down, eh? /j
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: [*looks down*] No, heheh. [*stifles a laugh*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Come on, let's just go.
* **David**: Aww, seriously?

### **Outside**

**Scene**The FEXITers walk through the gates, not so subtly marvelling at the fact that they are on the same set that they were only a few years back watching on Bracelety's television in the EXIT.
* **Ma****tch**: Omg, it's the hotel where all the stuff, like, happens!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: It looks bigger here than on TV.
* **Ma****tch**: No chiz, Sherlock.
* **Bracel****ety**: Is this real life? Am I back on the same ground on which my Ice Cube stood years ago?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yep, this is it. Unless... [*looks around*] it's a fake set made to look like the real thing.

[*Silence.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Where are the contestants?
* **Ma****tch**: Who, like, cares? I want to go where the fun is.
* **P****e****nci****l**: And where's that?
* **R****o****b****oty**: She wants to see the hotel bar.
* **Ma****tch**: I sure do!

### **Back of the hotel**

**Scene****Two**—still in their coach's uniform—is talking to someone on the pay phone.
* **T****w****o**: Yes, I was wondering if I could have a separation between co and host, please. [*Pause.*] No, not from myself! From someone with whom I have the misfortune to share an office! [*Pause.*] Yes, I'm aware that our culture prefers reconciliation to conflict, but... this is something I want desperately. At least until the act's hiatus. [*Pause.*] Yes, a separation, Gogma-dang-it!

[*Enter* **Bok**, *who has been eavesdropping.*]

* **B****o****k**: If you want a separation, you could just go to an object court.
* **T****w****o**: Bok, can't you see I'm talking to someone?
* **B****o****k**: Sorry.

[*Exit* **Bok**, *who joins the others in running around the set.*]

* **T****w****o**: I should call back tomorrow? Oh, alright, but don't guilt-trip me next time. *Quirarachicognirou.*

[**Two** *hangs up and nonchalantly starts walking to the front of the building.*]

### **Front of the hotel**

**Scene****Pencil** stands outside, looking for the contestants. Meanwhile, the other FEXITers (**8-Ball**, **Bracelety**, **David**, **Firey Jr.**, **Match**, **Roboty** and **Stapy**) look around the hotel lobby in amazement.
* **St****a****py**: Whoa, check this out!
* **Ma****tch**: Yeah, it's the wall they never show on camera. Omg, like, I'm being taken to where the action is! Hello, Fourth Wall! It seems like today, you've met your, like, match. [*puts her hands on her hips*]
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Are you flirting with a performance metaphor?
* **Ma****tch**: Are you made of fire?
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: Touché.
* **8****-****Ball**: Pencil, you need to see this. It's the entrance to the hotel restaurant where I've always imagined having deep, philosophical conversations.
* **P****e****nci****l**: [*barely listening*] Yeah, philosophical... Catch you later, 8-Ball.
* **8****-****Ball**: Okay, have fun looking outside.
* **Ma****tch**: I call the table with the warmest seat!
* **Fir****ey** **Jr****.**: If you sit on me, Zapalka...
* **Ma****tch**: I'm not, like, sitting on *you*, Blazett!

[*Pencil looks back at her fellow FEXITers, who are enjoying themselves, and gives them a wistful smile. As she turns back around, she sees* **Two** *standing right in front of her, smiling big.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Ah! The frick?!
* **T****w****o**: Hello, what are you?
* **P****e****nci****l**: What am *I?* First of all, what are you?
* **T****w****o**: Why, I'm Two.
* **P****e****nci****l**: That was a trick question; of course I know who you are! You're the host of this silly show, omg!
* **T****w****o**: [*offended*] Trick? Silly? *MG?* [*Subtitles: "Marriage gcounterpart"*]
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yes, I'm Pencil, and I'd like to... [*looks at the FEXITers, who are too busy watching the TV screen to look at her*] er... join your show.

[*Collective gasp from the hotel restaurant—the other FEXITers are watching her. Two casts a quick glance into the lobby and back at Pencil as they see her trying to contain her excitement.*]

* **T****w****o**: I mean, it's not like you had any other choice. Visitors are strictly forbidden on the set, and if anybody enters, they must become a contestant straight away.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I knew that! I mean... wh- where do I start?
* **T****w****o**: How about an introduction? Please tell me more about yourself, Pencil.

[*Two uses their powers to conjure up two chairs for them and Pencil to sit on.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: O- okay! Well... I was born on the 14th of February in a little town called—
* **T****w****o**: Where do you come from?
* **P****e****nci****l**: Oh, yes, please excuse me, I'm being interviewed for *your* show, so it's appropriate that you ask *me* the questions, heheh. You see, that's what I was after saying: I was born in Brazil, because that's where my mum's from, but my dad is from—
* **T****w****o**: No, I mean, how did you get to the set? These grounds are heavily guarded!
* **P****e****nci****l**: Really? I didn't see any guards here.
* **T****w****o**: [*Aside.*] Oh, that's right, the guard is currently in trouble.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Anyway, I arrived by sailing boat, by car, by submarine, by yak (that was fun) and by a number of other means of transport, all because my best friend Match (she's not, like, here right now), she was on a trading spree. That just means that she likes to trade a lot. Once she had this ring from one of her gentlemen callers, whom she didn't even fancy at all, so I suggested to her...

[*Fade to Pencil and Two on the chairs: The former continues to talk about her life story as Two starts to slowly fall asleep.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: And that's when Firey Jr. spent the entire leg from Egypt to here just complaining about how hot it was, even though he's a flame himself! Isn't that hilarious?

[*Glass-breaking sound effect, which Pencil doesn't pay any attention to. Two, however, wakes up from their tiny nap.*]

* **T****w****o**: Wh- wha?

[*It seems that the existence of Pencil has amassed a crowd: Most of the still-in contestants stand in front of the hotel, gawking at this mysterious non-stranger somewhat apprehensively: Most of them know who Pencil is from the early days of BFB, which, despite being fourteen years ago, is still in the memory of nearly all of them, especially* **Bok***, who holds on to* **Basketball**, *horrified.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: My fellow contestants! Hello!

[*Soni exspectati. Hardly anyone greets her; rather, they make sounds of confusion. Ad frontem graditur the exception,* **Liy**, *who waves at her excitedly.*]

* **Li****y**: Pencil! [*noticing Two*] If that's your name.
* **P****e****nci****l**: It's fine, "Exix", Two ran a background check on me, so I'm all set!
* **Li****y**: Ooh, a background check. Fancy. But are you all set with them?

[*Pencil looks at the other contestants. She finds that no one has reacted very positively to her arrival:* **Basketball***,* **Clock***,* **Pin***,* **Remote***,* **Tennis Ball***,* **Winner** *and even* **Snowball** *have neutral expressions on,* **Golf Ball** *looks like she's about to sue her and* **Bok** *is clinging to dear life as she looks at her former oppressor from the days of BFDIA.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: Hi again, everyone. [*to Liy*] This is everyone, innit?
* **Li****y**: Well, sort of. Tree's gone to see his daughter and Coiny and Taggy are dead.
* **P****e****nci****l**: Yeah, but where's... where's...

[*Pencil looks around quickly in the crowd of contestants but does not find him.*]

* **Li****y**: Oh, I know who you're looking for. Black Hole!

[**Black Hole** *comes out of the hotel.*]

* **P****e****nci****l**: When have I ever interacted with Black Hole?
* **R****e****m****ot****e**: When we saw you in Brazil over a year ago.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Hello, um, Pencil. Nice to see you here.
* **P****e****nci****l**: I'm a contestant now.
* **B****l****a****ck H****o****l****e**: Nice. [*calling out into the lobby*] I think she's ready.

[*Enter* **Pen**, *wearing a rather tacky-looking carissima, pink swan, lightning yellow, chamois and night rider bow tie, along with the golden boots that Two gave him at Cake at Stake. In humanaho, he's wearing a tight dinner jacket (the kind she liked to see on him back in the 1960s). As soon as he sees Pencil, his eyes grow wide with love.*]

* **P****en**: P- Pencil?

[*Everyone looks at Pencil and waits for her reaction, but at the moment she has none at all. Cut to black as these words appear on the screen.*]

**To be shown from another perspective

and also, to be continued

in TPOT 35b

June 10, 1985
(rounded to the nearest 10 days)**

[*As the credits roll, Liy can be heard saying something that will certainly be put into context in the next part of the episode.*]

* **Li****y**: How long can an idiot live without his head?

## Notes

1. ↑ Another euphemism!
2. ↑ I'm just copying the closed captions.
3. ↑ That's a Portuguese term, not a Brazilian one.
4. ↑ That's how you say "algebralien" in French.
5. ↑ "Goodbye."

**Fake TPOT** [V]