PITY F*CK

When Puff-Puff dates and unexpectedly falls in love with Dee-Jay's cousin, he begins to see Dee-Jay in a new light.

Transcript:

*[Intro]*

(In bus)

**Puff Puff**: Valentine's Day sucks. I don't have a date, and that means I'm not getting laid.

**Axel**: Come on. Chicks who look like dudes hit on you all the time.

**Puff Puff**: Yeah, but I'm not into like all the trashy airhead club chicks. I want to go on a romantic dinner date with a normal girl.

**DeeJay**: My cousin, Dee Jayne, is in town. But, nah she wouldn't be your type.

**Puff Puff**: Not my type is exactly what I'm looking for! Hook a brother up, Questlove.

**DeeJay**: Kay. Don't come crying to me when it doesn't work out.

**Puff Puff**: Oh it's gonna work out there CeeLo. You're under estimating the master.

**DeeJay**: Let's just say Dee Jane isn't easy to please.

**Puff Puff**: I'm gonna romance the shit out of this biyatch. She'll be cooking me waffles and bacon by morning.

**DeeJay**: Good luck man, you will need it.

(At La Merde)

**Puff Puff**: You must be DeeJay's cousin, wow. The resemblance is... disturbing.

**Dee Jayne**: I get that a lot.

**Puff Puff**: These are for you, though they pale in comparison to your radiance.

**Dee Jayne**: Oh, you shouldn't have.

**Puff Puff**: Ah it was my pleasure.

**Dee Jayne**: No, I mean like you shouldn't have, I'm allergic to flowers.

**Puff Puff**: Oh, of course! You probably prefer chocolates or something.

**Dee Jayne**: Are you calling me fat?

**Puff Puff**: Oh no no no no, no y-you, you're so not fat!

**Dee Jayne**: Oh, so now I'm not fat. P-H-A-T, Pretty, High And Tempting.

**Puff Puff**: I lost track?

**Dee Jayne**: I knew this was a waste of time. *(Gets off chair)*

**Puff Puff**: Don't go. Maybe we're not an obvious match. Maybe you do look so much like my best friend I feel a little gay sitting here with you.

**Dee Jayne**: And maybe you are the size of something I picked from between my teeth.

**Puff Puff**: And maybe you are a little bit bigger than me *\*hah\**. That's a huuge bitch!

**Dee Jayne**: And maybe you are so small that I can see your feet in your driver's license picture.

*(Silence. And then Dee Jayne kisses Puff.)*

**Puff Puff**: I haven't been kissed like that since I was an altar boy.

**Dee Jayne**: You. Me. My place. Now. That is if you think you're man enough.

**Puff Puff**: Do I have time to make out a will?

*("Later...")*

**Puff Puff**: *(Trembling)* I was thinking why rush into bed together.

**Dee Jayne**: Say hello to my little friend. *(Whip crack)*

**Puff Puff**: Oh ow, I think I broke a rib... what are you doing... ooooooh Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain, oh yes!

*(Next day in bus)*

**Puff Puff**: \*Sigh\*

**DeeJay**: Stop staring at me like that man. It's creepy as hell.

**Puff Puff**: I'm in love with your cousin Dee Jayne, I can't hide it. She showed me things like things I've only seen on Animal Planet.

**DeeJay**: I'm glad you had fun, but get real man, she'd never be with you.

**Puff Puff**: Wanna bet, Gabourey Sidibe? Last night, I rocked her world!

**Axel**: So you finally got to live out your dream of boning DeeJay.

**Puff Puff**: Man, you're just jealous I'm in love with a girl I didn't have to roofie.

**DeeJay**: *(Holding up his phone)* Yeah, about that, Puff, that was Dee Jayne, she said lose her number, and look into penis enlargement surgery. Sorry.

**Axel**: I have a pamphlet on the surgery if you want to check it out.

**Puff Puff**: My penis isn't small, her vagina is like huge, it's like Bruce Wayne's bat cave. I mean you could fit a helicopter up in there, no offense, DeeJay.

**DeeJay**: None taken. I'm not fuckin' it.

**Axel**: I would have sex with my cousin, I don't believe in discrimination.

*("Later...")*

**Puff Puff**: I finally fall in love and the girl doesn't even want me.

**DeeJay**: You'll find someone perfect for you one day, Puff.

**Puff Puff**: Aw thanks, Sherman Klump.

**DeeJay**: Now, can you please get your hand off my ass.

**Puff Puff**: In a minute.

**DeeJay**: Did you have to go inside my sweats?

**Puff Puff**: Yes, yes I did.

*[Outro]*