The Dark Arts

"*This night brings with it the promise of terror and death. Let that be your only warning as I cannot guarantee your safety during the course of this video.*"
―Dark Warlock Salvia
The Dark Arts is the 136th lesson of Internet Comment Etiquette. It was released on October 14, 2021.

## Summary

The Dark Warlock Salvia prepares to perform a ritual to ward off Malum. He lights his protective candles, sets up a spell of repulsion, and listens to the crows. He summons a Spectral Copy of Teamkilling on the commenticouch to teamkill people in Pavlov and watches a video of shadow figures attacking YouTubers. The shadow figure tries to get Salvia, but Salvia fights it off.

Salvia enchants a buttplug and plays a Howcast video on how to cast magic spells. He finds spam bots recommending spell casters in the comments. He looks into Dr Balogun but suspects that it's actually Malum. He summons Spirit L Jackson into a picture of Samuel L Jackson to leave the comment so Malum doesn't suspect that Salvia is behind it. Jackson warns that someone else is in the picture, and Malum eats him. To combat Malum, Salvia watches a video on how to use a magic anti-bullying pouch. He sees that the comments section of the video has been cursed with a spell of stupid bullshit, so he leaves his own comment to lift the curse. He eats a mana hoagie to replenish his magic power and plays a sponsored ad segment for Raycon.

The spectral copy grenades a teammate and Salvia goes on Twitch to find the demon Alzarov that had recently hacked the website. He uses an Amulet of Stinginess takes him to Erik's favorite Twitch streamer ScaryCheese. Salvia tries to warn him, but ScaryCheese thinks it's a joke. To attract the demon's attention, Salvia frivolously spends money on ScaryCheese's stream. Salvia realizes that Alzarov is working for Malum, so he gives away more money. Alzarov bans Salvia from the Twitch stream and captures ScaryCheese, but Curious Betsy spends more money, giving Salvia a chance to cast away Alzarov.

Salvia prepares to cast the most difficult incantation of the night. He watches a video that makes your cock and balls bigger, but Malum arrives before it's finished. Salvia prepares to defend himself, but Malum's magic crushes Salvia's cock and balls. Salvia uses the anti-bullying pouch to cast Malum back and then prepares to use his enchanted buttplug on Malum. Malum decides magic isn't working, so he draws a gun and shoots Salvia. Malum turns and sees the students, but a spell of repulsion casts him back. Salvia is sitting on the commenticouch, where he explains that it was only a spectral copy that was shot. Salvia casts a spell, pulling Malum into the enchanted buttplug, and then puts the butt plug in.

## Comments

*Oh man awesome vlog wanna collab? I'll collab with you guys all day on a lil ghost hunt, let those ghosts scratch me all up and maybe choke me out if they want to. But yeah if we collab can you show me the best places to get beat up by ghosts? I think our audiences would synergize real well especially if we find a demon who wants to stuff a dirty sock in my mouth and whip me. So lemme know when this collab is happening, have your people contact my people. I'll fly to wherever I need to go in order to get knocked around by some big buff paranormal entity. I'd even let a ghoul stomp my nuts so long as it's wearing high heels. Anyway lemme know about that collab I'm here for you bro*
- Dark Warlock Salvia

*Well well well, Dr. Balogun, you must be the richest man on the planet! You mean to tell me that you have a magic spell for EVERY single possible moment of desperation in someone's life? Lemme cut to the chase here Dr. Balogun. I'm putting together a team of mystical doctors such as yourself to protect the world from acne and loneliness. We're also going to make everyone rich, even the babies! You ever seen a rich baby? It is adorable. Stop wasting your talents on these Facebook suckers and get with a real team of people who could easily heal every problem on the planet unless of course you're all a bunch of liars. But what are the chances of that? Alright, I'll be in your apartment with the lights off waiting for your answer.*
- Dark Warlock Salvia in the voice of Spirit L Jackson

*Hey I'm a bully and I tried bullying a kid who had one of these and my mom died. I didn't realize he had this thing so I just kept bullying him as a way to vent out my own personal trauma and that fuckin pouch just kept making my life worse every time I did it. I'm 46 years old now, in a wheelchair because I keep getting hit by runaway trucks. And I still bully that fucking kid. I prank call him and tell him his wife's in the hospital. And sure enough then I'll get electrocuted through the phone or a piece of my ceiling will drop on me. This is one powerful spell. If you're getting bullied, it will absolutely work. It also might turn your bully into a lifelong antagonist who goes out of his way to ruin your life so long as the next truck doesn't kill him but you know me I'm a bully I'm always looking to escalate. Speaking of this kid I gotta go take a shit on his lawn right now his name's Alan Greenspan by the way fuck that guy*
- Dark Warlock Salvia

*Alzarov, hoarder of riches, demon of frugality, reveal yourself!**ScaryCheese, LISTEN, there is an entity in this chat room that wishes to do great harm. I am the Dark Warlock Salvia and I intend to stop him.*
- Dark Warlock Salvia

*LEAVE ME MORTAL. MY MASTER WILL TRAP YOUR SOUL IN A CASE BUILT FROM YOUR BONES.*
- TheDemonAlzarov

*My toddler walked into the room while this was playing and now child protective services is all up my ass because my kid's got a big fat hog. They say he's gonna have circulation issues for the rest of his life because the human body can't provide enough blood to accommodate the amount of cock and balls this video cursed him with. I even emailed a link to my buddy and he played it in the room with his wife. She wound up with cock and balls so big the fire department had to cut a hole in the side of their house to take her out with a crane. Not my fault these binaural frequencies are so potent. Anyway if you see a bunch of big dick squirrels running around it's because I've been throwing raycons into their ears and blasting this youtube video. Gotta go, demon's about to kill me*
- Dark Warlock Salvia

*@TedCruz Hey man can you write this rune on your forehead because I got a butt plug with your name on it.*
- @commentiquette

## Context

1. ↑ This comment is a reference to Samuel L. Jackson's character Nick Fury in the *Avengers* films. Nick Fury finds the most powerful heroes to form the Avengers and on multiple occasions hides in their home, apartment, or hotel room with the lights off.
2. ↑ Alan Greenspan is an economist that served as the Chair of the Federal Reserve

## Video

```

```