Hello Charlotte: Heaven's Gate/Diary

## — 1 —

* One day, a mother of a young family brought home a doll.
* She did so out of necessity rather than on a whim, or out of strong desire.
* It wasn't the kind of doll you'd normally see on the shelves of a large supermarket.
* It wasn't a particularly beautiful model, being pudgier and noisier than her peers.
* Her insides were made out of slime that always seemed to ooze out of her nose and mouth.
* But the mother seemed to be content with those usightly defects.
* The doll was supposed to melt into a sticky, dripping wet foul-smelling glue that would keep the mother's marriage from falling apart after all.
* The father didn't want to keep the item.
* But to his disappointment, the shop didn't accept any returns.
* The doll became a fitting addition to the house's interior, for she fit perfectly among the counterfeit porcelain tea sets and useless trinkets stuffed onto the shelves.
* Pictures reflecting her snotty face filled up the family albums — a thousand fabricated certificates of a model family life.

* One day, the glue went dry, and the family fell apart.
* As the porcelain plates hit the walls and the trinkets fell from the shelves, the doll remained still.
* The slime inside of her turned into water, and flooded the room.
* The woman who bought it left the house, leaving all her former possessions behind.
* A new owner soon came, and Henry was born.

## — 2 —

* I never felt like others treated me like a human being.
* Rather, I was an object, a commodity in a human disguise.
* To my family, I was akin to a not particularly expensive piece of furniture that they kept around despite having bought a replacement.
* To my classmates, I was a wind-up doll they could push around by provoking it, laughing at how clumsy it was.
* Due to almost too-cliche parental neglect, I was never taught proper hygiene,
* so my peers made sure to laugh at the way i smelled after forgetting to shower for weeks, and the way dirt gathered under my fingernails.
* They hid my clothes after P.E. and called me names, but it didn't matter.
* I didn't matter.

## — 3 —

* As soon as puberty hit, I became even more convinced that I was nothing more than an object.
* Maybe it's because I used to eat too much, or maybe due to genetics, I grew to be more well-endowed than other girls my age.
* Disgusted looks I used to get turned into something more primal and feral.
* Lust.

* Starved for attention, I wanted to be desired.
* "A gift needs pretty wrapping", a realization came.
* Under my modest clothes, I wore stockings and garterbelts.
* Asked for expensive underwear as a birthday present.
* Began paying more attention to my hygiene.
* My hair became perfectly combed — not a single strand out of place.
* Porcelain skin nurtured by evening masks and face cream.
* *Fake.*
* But no longer unwanted.
* People I never talked to began asking me out.
* Girls swarmed around me, talking about boys, periods and reality shows I couldn't bring myself to care about, but watched anyway.
* It was something new — something I didn't know I longed for.

## — 4 —

* My first kiss was with a girl.
* It was at a drinking party, and everyone was drunk and horny enough to play sex dice obviously meant for older crowds.
* I didn't like her.
* But I liked how it felt.
* I decided I wanted more.

## — 5 —

* Silky shirts, short skirts, kneesocks.
* Fluttering lashes, flawless mascara.
* Not a single pimple on my skin.
* It didn't matter that I was stuffed with chunks of meat swarming with maggots.
* Squirming, wriggling, eating me from the inside.

## — 6 —

* Charles Eyler wasn't a particularly attractive person.
* Let aside his above-average looks, something about his attitude gave away that something wasn't "right".
* Maybe it was the way he scratched his skin and bit his nails, or the way he stared into empty space, muttering something.
* There was no wifi on his flip phone, yet he was constantly taking it out of his pocket in short intervals.
* Typing a message to nowhere, setting an alarm clock off and back on.
* A fool-proof tactic to ease rising anxiety.

* In class, he would often respond to the name of a girl classmate, and everyone would start laughing.
* He'd cover his mouth, mortified, realizing that the teacher's question wasn't directed at him.
* Stifled mutterings, jerky movements.
* Constantly on the edge, anxious and detached — Charles Eyler was far from pleasant.
* Yes, I found us to be similar.
* It felt like there was something eating him from inside.
* Maybe he was stuffed full of maggots, too.

## — 7 —

* We were sitting in an empty classroom.
* I was absent-mindedly scrolling down the feed on my phone, Eyler was finishing his homework for the next day.
* He did all the assignments during breaks and got excellent marks for it.
* I never got why he was in such a rush.

* "So, uh, what's your answer? Yes or no?"
* Eyler didn't look me in the eye.
* Instead, he was looking at a spot between me and the window frame.
* "What? Ah. Sorry. What were you talking about?"
* "I couldn't hear you well in this noise."
* Eyler's voiced echoed throughout the empty, eerily quiet classroom.
* Everyone else had gone home a long time ago.
* I started to get annoyed.
* "Like I was saying."
* "Will you date me?"
* Seconds passed. Eyler muttering indistinguishable words, still distracted by something.
* He was visibly uncomfortable.
* "..."
* "Okay."
* He...what?
* 'You're...okay with it?"
* "I mean, why not? If you want to. Listen, I—"
* I need to go home, quick. I'm sorry."
* His words made no sense. Eyler grabbed his bag and stormed out of the classroom.
* What was that about?

## — 8 —

* Henry used to be a high-achiever in elementary.
* By middle school, he'd lost all motivation to study.
* Eventually, he stopped leaving his room.

* "You need to spend more time with your brother", Father had told me on numerous occasions — each time more insistently, his wife nodding behind his back.
* As if this smelly freeloader didn't get enough attention from them already.
* So sometimes I sat on the phone in my brother's room, listening to the click-clack sound of Henry's keyboard.
* It was always dark in his room.
* The air inside was damp, laced with the lingering stench of instant noodles and used tissues littering the floor.
* *Blergh.*
* Sometimes Henry got tired of playing, and flopped onto the bed near me.
* He was not a talkative kid, so I never got what he was thinking.
* Sometimes he would crawl onto me and bury his head in my chest, just laying there, as I blankly stared into space.
* In the darkness barely illuminated by LED lights, he told me about his two-dimensional sweethearts.
* Like then.
* Henry brought out his smartphone and shoved it into my face.
* "It's Space Idol Guriri. All of these are from the anniversary pull", he muttered, scrolling down his card collection.
* "Mm. How much did you spend on her?"
* "Not much."
* *Liar.*
* "He-e-e-enry?"
* A reluctant pause.
* "She's worth it."
* I felt tired.
* "Hey. Shouldn't you be interested in real girls at your age?"
* "No. They're gross."
* "Am I gross, too?"
* "Kinda."
* Henry squeezed closer to me.
* Too close for comfort.
* I could smell his foul breath.
* Henry was extremely bad at maintaining hygiene, just like I had once been.
* Maybe it was in our genes.
* He must be starved for body contact without realizing it, I thought absent-mindedly.
* "Hey, stop it. You're too close. Go ask mom to cuddle you."
* Henry didn't listen, and only buried his head deeper into my chest.
* He was like a toddler.
* "Mom and Dad only buy me things. They don't care about me."
* "Believe me, they do."
* *Unlike you, I didn't have that luxury.*
* "Say. Why won't you leave your room?"
* "It's pointless."
* "What is?"
* "Everything."
* "There's nothing I want to do in life."
* "The only times I feel happy are when I play games or sleep."
* "But I don't want to die either."
* "So I'll just stay here forever."
* How pathetic.

## — 9 —

* "Charlie. You need to see a doctor."
* I gave Eyler's hand a firm squeeze. He was shaking.
* We were sitting on the cold floor in the boys' bathroom.
* There were around 15 minutes until the third period ended.
* I was trying to ignore the writing on the wall. 'Warhol is a slut.'
* Eyler responded with a minute-long delay.
* What would they do? Stuff me with pills?"
* "At very least. They'll help."
* "They didn't help Mother."
* "I'm talking about you."
* "..."
* "Charlie. Please. Stop pretending you're okay."
* "If you're not planning on telling me what's wrong, that at the very least try to seek help yourself."
* "If I say anything, she'll throw my pet cat out of the window. Or worse."
* *She?*
* "...okay. I understand."
* I didn't understand at all.
* But...
* Eyler was shaking.
* He was completely terrified.
* I'm terrified, too. Of him, and his mind.
* "It's not your fault.", is all I could say, unable to find the right words.
* Seeking comfort, I squeezed his hand harder.

## — 10 —

* It was the End of the Year party.
* There's something about the thrill of blaring music and fleeting conversations that I cannot quite put into words.
* There, I was able to forget who I am, and who I cannot be.
* ...He must've been a guy from the parallel class. Pretty handsome, I had to admit.
* "Care for a drink?" he asked me.
* "Sure," I replied, and took the plastic cup from his hands.
* The room gradually began to tilt.
* "Are you okay?" he asked. "I'll take you to rest upstairs."
* "There was something in my drink," I belatedly realized, as I was led to the upper floor.
* As my consciousness faded, I thought of Eyler.
* It was dawning at me that he didn't want to own, to possess, to consume.
* He didn't want me.
* Didn't want anything I was able to offer.
* He wanted something that couldn't be seen, something immaterial and ethereal.
* He wanted to be *saved*.
* But I am merely an object.
* My head was filled with mocking comments from my classmates. Dice at the party. Constant expectations. Graffiti on the wall.
* I was trying so hard.
* I was trying my best.
* *Yet why was I still not enough?*
* When I came to, I was surrounded by girls, concerned yet relieved looks on their faces.
* I wanted to go home.

## — 11 —

* I woke up one day to heated debates in the kitchen.
* It was probably about Henry.
* Nothing ever changed.
* I snuck into his room, trying not to make a sound.
* He was curled up into a ball under the desk, shaking, muttering something.

* "Henry, it's me. Come out. Stop hiding."
* "Leave me alone!"
* "What happened?"
* "They want to fix me. Send me to therapy."
* "And?"
* "I don't want to be fixed."
* *Give me a break.*
* *Just look at how much they cared about you.*
* *About your useless, stinky, perverted—*
* I had to calm down.
* "Then, what do you want?"
* "To be with Guriri."
* "Guriri is not a person."
* "I don't give a shit."
* "Hey, language."
* "You're just don't want to make any effort to gain positive emotions in real life."
* Henry got quiet for a moment.
* "I'm tired," was his only answer.
* I'm tired, too.

## — 12 —

* Charles Eyler started taking pills.
* No more jerky movements.
* No more staring into space.
* There was a permanent smile plastered on his face.
* He seemed...alarmingly normal.
* We went out for food and movies.
* Made sure to instagram all the food we ate and the places we visited.
* It would surely become to proof of our normalcy.
* I talked about myself, and Eyler actually *heard* me instead of spacing out, erratically checking his phone and muttering something under his breath.
* In turn, Eyler told me about Mother, about things he saw that others didn't, about a writer he admired.
* Everything was normal. Just like I'd wanted it to be.

## — 13 —

* A: So like, did you two do it already?
* anri: Aw, come on! Of course we did!
* A: Oh my god, for real? He seems like such a wimp, though. I bet it was the worst!
* B: Tbh. You deserve so much better.
* A: You aren't lying, right? I can't believe THAT Eyler is capable of anything more than hand-holding.
* B: Yeah, like, did he finally man up?
* C: If a guy doesn't want you, then there must be something wrong with his dick!
* B: looks like you'll have to take action and help him overcome it somehow
* B: otherwise ur relationship is doomed, lol
* C: right, Anri?!
* anri: lol, yeah

## — 14 —

* "This doesn't insult you?" I asked, showing Eyler the group chat. "I lied to them about everything, but...you know."
* Charles yawned, shaking his head in disinterest.
* "You only get insulted when you view something as insulting, C says," he elaborated. "So no, it doesn't."
* "Eh. What the hell, I thought you'd be hurt, or something."
* Charles laughed mischievously.
* "What, you wanted to console me, miss Warhol?"
* I turned away, brows furrowed.
* "I got upset, you know. They don't know you at all."
* He was taken aback at first, then ruffled my hair with his blistered hand.
* "Sorry."
* "Know what Stoics says? You're provoked by your own judgement of the situation."
* "And, we can't expect people to view us the way we perceive ourselves."
* "So don't worry about me."
* *Here he goes again, apologizing.*
* I was fairly sure that even if he understood all of this, some part of him must have been affected.
* But, his words were somehow reassuring.
* Did he feel the same way when he talked to C, I wonder?
* Feeling above everything, unaffected by surrounding opinions.
* That person really must be someone strong if they were able to influence Charles to this extent.
* "If I stay by his side, maybe I'll be saved one day, too," I thought, and that thought alone felt comforting enough to help me get through another day.
* Charles turned on a horror movie, and I fell asleep on his shoulder, personal space be damned.

* That was the last conversation we had before everything went to shit.
* The god of his world was no more.

## — 15 —

* Months later, we moved to another town.
* It was never my decision to make.
* I left most of my possessions at the old home.
* Henry played Pokemon during the entire trip, then vomited onto my shirt, carsick.
* I pet his oily hair, letting my nails sink into flakes of chronic seborrhea and dead skin.

* I thought of Charles once again.
* Without anything solid to ground him, wouldn't he float away?
* In the last moments we spent together it had already felt like he wasn't present.
* As if the maggots swarming inside of him had already consumed his insides.
* *How unfair.*

## 5...

* anri: hey
* anri: how are you, charlie?
* C: You should leave him alone, Henrietta Warhol.
* anri: eyler i'm being serious
* C: So am I. Please stop writing us.
* Who's *"us"*?
* anri: why?
* C: You're a hindrance.
* C: If you continue pestering us, I'll make your personal information public.
* C: You have things to hide, don't you?

## 4...

* C: anri, hi
* C: I'm sorry for the last time
* C: feel free to block me
* anri: okay, now you sound like charles
* anri: apology accepted
* anri: hi
* anri: are you okay?
* C: more or less
* anri: how's mom?
* C: like usual. i'm trying to spend more time with her
* anri: that's nice
* C: how are you holding up?
* anri: i'm fine. trying to adjust to a new place
* anri: henry's an idiot and blew a whole load of money on online gambling, so dad took away his debit card
* anri: serves him right i guess
* anri: i'm working as a waitress rn so i have my own income
* anri: but i guess most of this money will go to my parents anyway
* anri: debts and all
* C: Do you have plans for uni or?
* anri: i'm taking a year off
* anri: can't deal with it right now
* anri: and i'm not sure what i want to do
* C: haha, yeah. only the job you're crazy about can get you a good income
* C: or just luck really
* C: higher education won't really promise you a good place in life
* anri: nice pasta
* anri: did you get into med uni?
* C: i'll know in a month. I don't really remember the day of the exam
* anri: uh oh
* anri: what will you do if you don't pass?
* C: kill myself i guess
* C: haha no jk
* anri: it's not funny
* C: I know. I'm being serious
* C: I have Mother to take care of, so don't worry.

## 3...

* C: anri, hi! how are you? <3
* anri: heart emojis, gross
* anri: eyler is that really you
* C: of course it's me
* anri: uh ok
* anri: i'm fine, just having trouble adjusting to a new place
* anri: didn't make any friends yet
* anri: i don't want to pretend to be someone else just to fit in, but no one really wants to hang out with me when i'm myself
* anri: i feel alone
* anri: are you doing okay?
* C: im okay! XXXXXX specifically asked not to talk about the remnants, though.

## 2...

* anri: charlie im
* anri: i'm scared of you
* anri: of what you're becoming
* anri: i thought i didn't understand you before
* anri: but now I feel like I don't understand you at all
* anri: and i'm really not sure what to do
* anri: you need to seek help

## ... 1.

* C: shit
* C: I'm so sorry
* C: if you're reading this, it's me
* C: I'm not okay
* C: I'm not sure if I'm myself anymore
* C: sometimes I just close my eyes and then find myself at an unfamiliar place several hours later
* C: I passed the exams, but I'm failing classes. hard.
* C: I feel like vomiting just looking at people
* C: they don't look human
* C: I'm afraid if we meet again you won't look human, too C: so please, don't try to find me
* C: Mother is not okay
* C: She's not responding anymore
* C: everything is distorted
* C: and I'm clearly bothering you
* C: I
* C: I need to put a stop to this

* Those were the last messages from Charles.
* His phone went dead, and he never replied back.
* Trying to cope with this reality, I tried to forget about him.

## — 16 —

* A year later, I found out that Eylers no longer lived at the old address.
* Charles Eyler had disappeared without a trace.
* I want to think he's okay, but I know better.
* Lilith Eyler was buried in a local cemetery.
* Looks like Charles took care of her burial before disappearing.
* "I won't live longer than Mother would," he once told me, and stayed true to his words.
* I like to think that his soul went where she is.
* Perhaps he's lying on the bottom of a vast sea, his form flickering, uncertain.
* I want to lie down near, and make sure his carcass doesn't float away.
* But that's a selfish wish to have.
* Instead, I placed a bouquet on their grave and whispered a quiet prayer.

Diary — END —