Paper Mario: Color Splash Wii U review

Paper Mario: Color Splash is a game, and it's a game I'm gonna fully tear apart in this review. So hi everyone, welcome to my Color Splash review where I review a game because I feel like doing so. So anyways, this game.

As you can see here and here , it's pretty obvious that the developers... as inept as they may be, created a game. And that game is Color Splash. ***It's a game where you splash colors into the world and see them come to life!™*** Or so that's the way it should have been advertised. If it wasn't advertised like that then the developers are idiots since that seems to be the most convincing way to have people buy a game from a dying console. But enough about that, today there is a game to be reviewed.

   So um.... this is Cooolor Splash!! I'm scared. So anyways, introduction time: Peach and random Toad # 456778543 go to Mario's house for a special meeting because of something. These two are sad. But why are they sad? Because Toad #456778542 was stripped of all his colors! And I guess that warrants in going to another adventure. An adventure that we won't forget, for better or for worse, it is an adventure. So Mario, Peach and co. sail the seas (dunno if there are seven in the Marioverse) and travel to an island associated with the stamp in which the Toad was delivered.

    Oh and btw, PEACH FINALLY GETS AN INTRODUCTION! I guess Nintendo read my Sticker Star review and actually gave her a proper introduction, ***unlike*** Sticker Star in which she didn't have one. So anyways, Peach gets intro, there's a bunch of talk, boring talk if you ask me, and then Mario's soggy for some reason. I think they were trying to go for a sex joke, but whatever.

    So again, if for whatever reason this is your first Mario game or are too stupid and don't know who he is.......... this is Mario. He'll be the protagonist of this game because his name appears in the title, otherwise who the fuck would it be? Anyways what the hell? Why are they paper? The game never bothers explaining why they're made of paper but they are! I'm already starting to see flaws in this abominable excuse of a game.

    .....aaand this right here is the game's main spot. Welcome to Prism Island! Or Prison Island. Chose what you want, it looks like an actual prison anyways. So apparently the island has been stripped of its colors. How do you even do that. I don't think stuff works like that. Yes, I'm questioning logic in a Mario game but IDGAF, I want an answer!

    Oh yeah, you also get a hammer here since stupid Toad tossed your other one out. But it has oh, so *magical* powers in which happens to restore colors again! Soooo...

This is your main character aside from Mario, his name is Huey. Well, at least it's better than Ketbuc or just about every other idiotic name people were predicting it would be called before actual confirmation of what his name is. So you have to solve puzzles until the thing in the middle of the Plaza opens up. And then you whack him because you don't know that thing is a live paint can.

    Oh yeah, that random Toad gets in trouble for being stupid and he gets captured by a Shy Guy. He gets his colors drained and he can't feel his pants. Well maybe if the straw wasn't pointed at where it's pointed at, he would at least be able to feel them. But the Shy Guy sucks it just like the rest of the Toad and he dies. Good riddance. Anyways, that would have been nice, but no, you fight the Shy Guy and Toad is back to normal after reviving him with your magical hammer of paint.

    Buuut before we can even get into a battle, Huey wants us to "wring" him out. What is this "wring" you may ask. Oh nothing. Except he jizzes on you and that apparently gives you more paint to work with.

So after being the disgusting fuck that he is, we finally start a battle!

But not before a new gimmick. You have cards. Guess what you'll be using in battle? So instead of stickers like in Sticker Star, you now fight with cards. Instead of y'know jumping on an enemy, you now have to have a jump card in order to jump on an enemy. Well that's about as stupid as playing poker. Oh yeah, cards are never organized, you have to organize them yourself. And because they are never seen all together, you have to scramble around and find the right card to use. I thought this was suppose to be a video game, not fucking Uno.

So after that mess, you can now move around Prison Island and do stuff. Since Huey lost all the Big Paint Stars, you now have to go find them for him. You will also collect Paint Stars, which will open up the next level for you somehow. Oh yeah, and make sure you have a LOT of free time, the levels here take forever to beat. You'll probably be sitting there for three hours and you'll probably only have like one level completed. It takes time and dedication to be doing the same crap of restoring paint and fighting the same enemies with specific cards hidden in your deck.

I think I forgot the most important aspect of this game. Things. They're back, and they're make in HD! You can collect them and can immediately turn them into cards without having to paperize them like in Sticker Star. It saves for backtracking at the very least. Oh yeah, and they also jizz on you since you're stripping them from colors.

I've noticed. I wrote a lot of storytelling and no real reasons why this game is bad. So why is this game bad? Well, for starters, it shits on everything Paper Mario was. If you read anything about the interviews with the batshit insane developers developing this game, they don't really care about anything the fans have to say. Oh yeah, and they take jabs at them too like this image to the right of me. Although I find the quote funny, many others sure won't be laughing after seeing this. I guess the picture to the right is suppose to be an OC joke and Nintendo is poking fun of that.

Luigi is also in the game. But not as initially thought. Yes, he still appears as a cameo, but if you find these pointless cameos, he does more later on.

He sends you mail and he gets *veeery* annoying with that repulsive Italian stereotype he didn't have in any previous games, may they be RPGs or not, he never had them. He-a didn't-a sound-a like-a this-a in-a any-a other-a Mario-a game-a before-a. Yeah-a, try-a reading-a my-a whole-a review-a with-a an-a "A"-a added-a at-a the-a end-a of-a every-a word-a and-a see-a if-a this-a isn't-a obnoxious-a as-a shit-a.

You also have your obvious paper self-aware jokes. That never changed. In fact, they got worse. The humor is pretty terrible. That or the politically correct norm is that every character has to bring up the fact that they're made of paper as if that brings up any importance to the story or anything althogether.

So anyways, after a while and after you fight your first boss, which is a Koopaling, you see Bowser. Or "Black Bowser" as he is called in this game. Why Black Bowser? I don't know, but apparently the color black is evil in this game and that's racist! Why couldn't it have been gray? Oh yeah, and he has pretty boring dialogue. It would have made no difference if he were just silence. "But ooooh noeees! Peach was kidnapped by Bowser! We totes didn't see that coming. Maaaan, now we have to rescure the other Big Paint Stars and Peach? Oh it seems like there will be a story to this game after all." Not really, after this, you'll just be doing more of the same shit. Apparently the developers were deathly afraid to reveal Bowser as the final boss as if that wasn't as obvious to begin with.

Oh yeah, and apparently this is Star Wars or something since Peach can send holographic images to Mario. Obviously.

Well, excuuuse me, but I've never heard of this kind of shit before. Do tell where it originated from?

So black paint is somehow evil to touch. Touching it knocks you out. And again, while you may think there will be a story behind this all... well there isn't. This level appears after beating the first boss, and it's the only time you'll ever see black paint in all its glory until the final area. So this game tries to make a story, and then stops giving a shit about that midgame and ditches just about every aspect of it later on. Huey *magically* makes all the black paint disappear and he'll be there for Mario no matter what he does. <3

Again, this game tries to be funny, but if you think that the randomness of a breakdancing piggy bank is funny, surely you have the sense of humor of laughing whenever someone screams "Rape" out loud. Unfortunately, someone managed to do so throughout all these years and just happens to be the most subscribed on YouTube. :/

And don't even get me started as that garbage known as Roshambo Temples. Also known as the game's time consuming feature known as luck because you might win, or you might lose at a simple game known as Rock, Paper, Scissors. While it's not all luck thankfully as you're given a few hints, you can still easily get screwed over because of the luck factor involved in the other rounds. And you need to beat eight temples in the game in order to get 100%, so good luck with that!

Speaking of luck factor, here is Kamek, another one of this game's broken mechanic. He randomly appears in a battle and can potentially screw you over if you don't know nor have memorized your cards, as he can do one of three things when he appears. He can 1. limit you to only a few cards (easily winnable battle) 2. make all your cards the same (but you have to memorize which cards you wasted) or 3. hide your entire deck and it all comes to luck on what card you choose, unless you already knew beforehand what card to pick. Unfortunately, number option #3 is the most common so if you don't know where your cards are every two seconds you'll probably die if you battle a spiky enemy since you'll probably be getting jump cards and die. You will be very surprised when you find people actually supporting a trashy mechanic such as this.

There's actually a developer oversight during the random appearances Kamek does to screw you over. Apparently when fighting a Swooper (why are they now called Swoops?), Kamek has the chance of turning all your cards into hammers, and considering that the bat enemy flies, you can't use them against it. Not to mention the fact that you can't flee in battle (fleeing is useless btw; Mario still falls like an idiot when running away from a Goomba) nor can you Battle Spin, you're stuck until you die or run out of cards. If they actually cared enough about this, it would have been patched a LONG time ago. But since they don't, be warned of fighting these guys, especially if you haven't saved your game.

There is also a Battle Spin in this game like in Sticker Star. But as how half-assed and random it was introduced, I'll just randomly put this at the very end since I forgot about it too. So all this does is you use 10 coins and get a random card. Normally this works fine and I like to use it, but during Kamek battles, you cannot use it. Again, making this game more artificially luck based then what is already needed.

Speaking of oversights, here's the Shy Bandit. A Shy Guy in a bandit suit. There have also been oversights concerned with this guy in which the Shy Bandit strips the paint out of a level you've completed and you would have to repaint the whole stage all over again. The oversight is that sometimes a Shy Bandit would throw his mask far away that would be impossible for the player to reach in time. Again, if Nintendo cared enough about this, they would already have patched it. So good luck having this guy not ruin your day!

I forgot about the bosses. Well the bosses, they aren't really bosses. Much like Sticker Star, the battle is either impossible if you don't have the right thing card, or they're very easy if you do have the thing card needed for the battle. So why are battles a thing again? They could've just made a Goomba the boss and it wouldn't change anything. So like poor Morton here, he's a joke. So I guess he's Leston then. :P

"But muh battles sooo important! You can level up your hammer!" Well not technically a level up, but all it does is just give you more paint so you don't run out so easily. This is to all the idiots out there who still thing that collecting Hammer Scraps is the same thing as EXP. All it does is just increase your maximum paint on the top left corner by about 10 per each "level up". All this does is make you not run out of paint as easily in later levels. This guage is about as pointless as cherry-picking plums in a farm.

You can also collect enemy cards in which an enemy helps you out in battle, like the partners from the first two Paper Mario games. Except, your "partner" literally dies in one hit. Wouldh've been more helpful if they lasted for more than one turn. Buuut don't use them in boss battles~. Game doesn't tell you, but they run away when you fight bosses, and you waste a turn for a useless card.

So that just sums about all the flaws you need to know about this game and Nintendo's inability and refusal to do something different that doesn't revolve on a gimmick. Sure, the gimmick thing is a risk/reward kinda thing, but when was the last time there was any success with said gimmick? No Wii answers because that would be obvious. Color Splash happens to be more or less of the mistakes that were in Sticker Star, with some of them actually being fixed, and somehow managing to screw up even more with other mistakes. That being said, that's all I will say about the game, and no, I won't talk more about the story because like I've said, the game stops giving a shit about it and you'll just fight enemies and paint the world until the final boss area. Oh, but Huey dies at the end. Spoooilers~

With that said, the verdict of this game is 0/10 because this game manages to make unnecessary things drag forever instead of giving you actual progress, along with its confusing puzzles. People think Dream Team drags on forever, I say this game drags on forever. Take it as you might from a very professional reviewer as myself.™

So anyways, see ya next time until I decide to review another bad game. Peace. Love, yours truly, this person!