Bee Movie: Original Reel

Fuck it, My life is ruined.

Now I know you’ve probably played the bee movie game. When the guac is extra. But no one seems to talk about bee movie film anymore, starring the ever-so iconic Jerry Seinfeld. It’s a heart-warming comedy flick for all ages of the family to enjoy. But what I’m about to tell you will shock you, and maybe even make you question the sanity of your own self.

I had won an all-expenses-paid trip to Dreamworks Animation in the summer of 2005 to screen a random movie and hang out with the crew. I didn’t even know I entered anything. The last time I entered a raffle, I won a bag of cow tongues. I gave them to my uncle Charles to enjoy as a delicacy. Five minutes after consuming the aforementioned cow tongues, he died at the kitchen table. Autopsy revealed that the cow tongues were poisoned with potassium cyanide. In other words, someone didn’t like me and tried to off my dick.

So upon finding that I won a trip to Dreamworks Animation, I immediately packed my bags including one full of Milky Way bars, and hauled dicks. I was greeted at the entrance to the studio a la Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, you know the whole act, the president of the company walking out, falling over, doing a somersault, and standing up, all in style. I wasn’t impressed and outright asked for a briefing of what I was going to do. He subtly leered at the building I was supposed to go to with a less than collected look on his face, turned back to me, and gave me the 411 on what to expect.

Bee movie was finished filming, and I was about to see a rough edit. What you don’t know, is that this is not, and I repeat, NOT the version of the film you know. It was me, the editor, the producer, a few homeless people we picked off of the street as a test audience, and the director Simon J. Smith, who work for Pacific Data Images (PDI). He frowned as he removed his glasses.

“What you’re about to see is what happens when you take a masterpiece of a insect like the bee, and turn it into a masterpiece of a movie that I directed. Also, I don’t like Shrek, so if anyone asks me to direct a Shrek movie, I’ll make sure it sucks dick,” Howard proclaimed. I was taken aback a bit, but shrugged it off as Smith having a bad day. He itched his angry, eye and put his glasses back on. He frowned some more and said, “Roll tape!” And just like that, the movie started.

There was no narration in this version of the movie. Maybe because it was a rough cut, but I digress. The first 5 minutes were really scary. It starts with Jerry Seinfeld walking into a dark room wearing nothing but his underwear, and the yellow makeup. He says nothing. He just poorly dances to Das EFX’s They Want EFX which faintly echoed in the background from a boombox that was placed in the corner. He tries to do the cha cha dance, and falls, breaking his shin on a marble coffee table. He screams in agony as he yells for his hero, Show Lo to help and to possess him so he can get up.

All of a sudden, an abrupt flicker of color flashed on the screen, and a swooping aerial shot of the town of New Hive was shown, but instead of buildings, it was assorted Snickers, Hershey’s kisses, and Milky Way bars propped up vertically as the camera slid through them. I assumed this was supposed to be a stand-in for the CGI sequences in the final film. After a few rows of candy bars go past, you see some traffic, which are just toy cars being pushed by, including one that looked oddly like my car, being a brand-new Honda Civic.

Then it cuts to the New Hive set, with extras walking about and surrounding a department store which was about to open. A sign says “Black Friday Sale TODAY!” in big, bold Impact font. The camera cut to Barry B Benson and his father, who were near the front of the line. He asked his father why everyone was there. His father just said “Because this is the Christmas spirit!” “What exactly is the Christmas spirit,” Barry asked. “You’ll see,” his father responded under his breath.

Then, two store employees approached the double-door store entry from the inside, looking oddly Jerry Seinfeld-shaped. It was also dimly-lit inside the store. Each grabbed onto one of the doors, and sneered out into the crowd. They hesitate for a moment, then finally pull back the doors, opening the store. The crowd went apeshit crazy trying to get in. People then suddenly started getting into a fistfight. Barry’s Father got in the middle of the fight, getting knocked clean out, and falling to the ground unconscious. Whos started trampling Barry’s Father’s head as they rush inside.

This is where it gets really freaky. Instead of cutting away or a comedic trampling with cartoony boink noises, Barry’s Father awoke, and screamed violently until all that could be heard was a breathy rasp emitting from his mouth. His head was violently trampled for a good 30 seconds until his head was a viscous, spasming pile of hyperrealistic blood and brain matter. I cringed at the intensity of the hyperrealism. Simon J. Smith was grinning from ear to ear, that sick fuck. I questioned the response children would have to this, and to that he just honked my nipples and told me to shut the fuck up. I grabbed my man tits in pain as we continued the screening. Barry was laughing cheerfully at the corpse of his father, believing this to be the true spirit of Christmas, his favorite holiday.

The camera cuts to the cave Barry’s House, which is a lot smaller and more decrepit and messer than in the final film. Barry’s Mother was nowhere to be found, but instead there was Jeanette Chung that Barry interviewed with in the video game cutscene. Barry is pouring himself what seemed to be a cup of coffee, but upon inspecting the coffee pot he set down, I know you’re not going to believe me, but it was actually Bee’s blood. He slurped the blood violently and smacked his lips realistically. “This Bee wasn’t a very nice guy,” Barry spoke to Jeanette. “It’s not… sweet enough.” He goes into a back room where he has a Bee tied up and gagged, looking terrifyingly like Jerry Seinfeld in Bee makeup. Barry grabs the Bee by the face and spoke in a low tone. “Listen here, you little bitch,” What was with the fucking swearing? “You pissed me off a minute ago with that look you gave me. A rather... disheveled look. Like you wanted to kill me. Wrong asshole.”

Barry walked out of frame and came back with a Projector and a laptop on caster wheels. He pulled up a video that said “P-Heads Dirty Fantasy” on it, and played the video. I thought to myself about how Barry couldn’t possibly torture someone with a video of PBS parody’s of all things, and even gave a small chuckle. Oh, I was fed a huge piece of humble pie after thinking that, and it wasn’t delicious either. What followed was a weird cartoon with Mrs. P-Head giving birth to a newborn child and printing a picture of P-Head and his wife having sex and B and S playing tons of logos sex. While this played, Barry broke the Bee’s arm, exposing the bone in the elbow while hyperrealistic blood sprinkled out of the open wound. Barry pulled out the humerus bone and fed it into a grinder. Ultra realistic ground-up bone matter came out the other end and into his coffee.

This was all too much and I wanted to get out of that screening room, but I was scared of what Mr. Smith would do if I tried. Barry stirred up his bee blood and bone coffee and gave it another sip. “Just right!” He walked past the injured Bee, which was shrieking in pain from his fucking bone being ripped out. Barry smiled a cheeky smile, gave him the middle finger, grabbed at his ass and jingled it a little bit before exiting the room, smiling away. He left his house and entered new hive, smiling some more. He entered the carnage ensuing at the department store, He smiled and he smiled, as he walked around the various aisles, even trying on clothes that matched his style. He surveyed the chaos, the dreadful brawl, then looked at the camera and said “Dicks!” He saw all there was to see but wanted more, so he strolled on over to the grocery store. He scanned the fridge aisle, hungry for Hungry Man Sports Grill, seeing more people fighting and he shouted “Pussy!” He decided afterall he was hungry for a Milky Way bar, as the drunk bees fought over the last bottle of liquor. He swiped the candy without paying, an awful crime, and I just realized the past few sentences I’ve been speaking in rhyme. Dammit.

Barry left the grocery store with his candy, cackling to himself for shoplifting. All of a sudden, he spotted his friend Adam smiling at the massive fight back at the department store. He approached Adam, giving him a large serrated knife. “You know what to do,” Barry said in an evil tone to Adam. He nodded with a macabre smile, and started stabbing bees in the gut, slashing them open, sending tons and tons more realistic blood and insides flying in all directions while the song “Rock n roll McDonald’s” played, but in a warping, wavering speed. This went on for 5 minutes before the camera panned out in a crane shot as Adam kills the last couple of bees and the music slows to a total halt. He stood amongst the heaping pile of bodies and innards in complete silence before the Milky Way bar hopped out of the Barry’s hand and became a poorly-made CGI Milky Way bar and started flying through the sky. This was way too much for me. I didn’t want to see a flying Milky Way bar. My skin was crawling as the wrapper flapped in the wind like a cape, this was disturbing. The candy bar smiled and winked at the camera with its faceless, chocolate coated surface. What nightmares are made of…

The Milky Way bar flew through the sky for a good 3 minutes, all the while I’m leaned back in my chair, clenching the arms tightly in fear at this chocolate and nougat monstrosity. Simon J. Smith was officially an asshole and a sick man in my eyes, having made this horrific sight and traumatizing me in the process. I told him how sick he was. He laughed and sank his teeth into a Milky Way. I turned my attention back to the screen. The candy bar had no face, but I knew it was Jerry Seinfeld under that confectionary mask. I knew it. All of a sudden, as if things couldn’t get worse, Jeanette Chung trotted up, and her tongue fell out. The tongue hopped around like the VeggieTales Characters. In fact, this was a joint production with Big Idea Entertainment. The tongue and the candy bar followed Barry and Adam, who smiled at the camera and spoke, “I’M A BEE,” as they strolled down the cum, snowy New Hive streets.

People started exiting their homes, joining the gang. These weren’t just ordinary people however, you thought I was done! No! These people were also Cartoon Characters such as Curious George Characters, Inanimate Insanity Characters, Caillou Characters, Codename: Kids Next Door Characters, King Of The Hill Characters, Logos and especially Colonel Dodo joined and walked down the street. I was crying uncontrollably at this point. Simon J. Smith was laughing maniacally. One of the homeless people farted worriedly and collapsed from shock. He had shish bricks himself.

As they continued to go down the street, more and more cartoon characters joined the group, including the workers from the department store and the man that Barry had tied up earlier. He joined the group as his forearm was dangling by just a thread of skin from the rest of his arm. He shouted, “I’M A BEE.” Even the tongue shouted “I’M A BEE!” They stopped at the end of the street as they faced two man dressed in a long black hooded cloak facing away from the group. The figure turned around to be, who other than King Harkinian and Gwonam. He smiled sinisterly as he looked onto the crowd of the characters. "WHO ARE WE," Barry shouted. The crowd responded with a resounding "A BEE!" Barry smirked and thunder sounded. Then, it started raining cum. It rained so much realistic cum that it flooded the entire New Hive set. Soon, all of the characters were swept away in the ocean of cum. They were washed all the way out of New Hive, and across the United States, to Central Park. As it turns out, New Hive is a small city on Earth that we have never discovered before. This is fact. Soon, the characters were all washed up to California, and to Hollywood, where they started getting jobs in movies and tv shows as the star, all throughout the 90s and into the 2000s.

The movie started coming to a close here. The last 5 minutes was just Barry B Benson standing alone in New Hive, peeling his skin off with a fork until he was a skeleton. He danced around for the last 30 seconds as the shot slowly fades to black. Then we got a split-second picture of Barry with no eyes. I sat dumbfounded at what I had just witnessed. "What the hell was that," I asked angrily. Smith smiled. "The documentary behind Barry B Benson" he responded. The homeless person that shish bricks himself earlier started to convulse. His skin peeled off to reveal that he was Barry B Benson underneath. I screamed as Barry B Benson screamed back. He screamed so loud that my left ear was deaf for the next 2 hours. He stood up. He looked very off, very un-Barry-like. He stood 8 feet tall and had a blood-red aura around him. He pointed down at me with a long, gangly arm. "Never tell anyone about this affair, or you will cease to exist." He left the room and another Barry B Benson, nay, a more normal looking Barry B Benson entered. "Hey guys!" he said, smiling away. "Did you enjoy the movie?" I stood with my mouth wide open. "Great!" Barry said. "Take in mind we might need to do some reshoots later on, but this is the meat of it!," Barry smiled as he started eating a Milky Way bar. I fainted soon afterwards and somehow woke up back at home in my bed. I thought it was a dream until I found a folded up piece of paper on my desk. It was a stock photo of Barry B Benson putting his finger to his lips in a cultish hand signal. Not to mention all of my Milky Way bars were gone.

You see, this is the real story behind Barry B Benson. He isn't a single entity. He is multiple. He can clone himself as many times as he pleases. Once he has enough clones, he’ll wipe us out all of humanity. All that will be left is “Bee-anity” and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I only relate this story now because I will soon be dead from an illness that I would rather not get into specifics about, and I don’t care if the master Barry will be here to kill me for telling this. I lived an adventurous and fulfilling life, and don’t care what happens next.

Beware when you watch Bee Movie. They say that in during any of them, during a dark scene, you can pause the movie and spot in the far distance a wrinkled, deformed Barry B Benson, withered like a Milky Way bar wrapper, pointing at the camera, smiling, and grabbing his ass.