MYB/4-30-19

I'm having another one of those days where I'm convinced I'm a shitty person. Or well, not really convincing just more aware of my shittiness I guess. Really, it sounds like I'm fishing for attention or something saying this. I'm not though or at least, I don't think I am. I've been noticing my lack of actual friends and more and more lately. I talk to a lot of people who really just talk to me because I'm either their only option or just funny, I guess. But I don't have people to call actual friends who really care about me like friends do. Kace was telling me this morning about how he realized how many people actually cared about him. He's been sick over the weekend, and yesterday he didn't come to school because well, he was *sick*. He was still sick today but his mom wouldn't let him miss anymore school so here he is. But yesterday, so many people texted him and asked him where he was that day or told him to get better. And I realized as he was speaking that no one would really do that for me. If I disappeared for a day or more with no warning, no one would care. I doubt anyone would even ask. Maybe Kace, but Kace is too nice and worried about everyone so'd feel obligated to ask. No one else would though.

I've mentioned my lack of friends once or twice in front of Soc but I never elaborate because I feel like she'd just think I'm garnering for pity or something. And it's even worse because I consider Soc a really good friend, even more than that really, and she'd feel bad that she couldn't be here with me. Or maybe that's just me being hopeful and reflecting myself onto her. Honestly, it's probably just that, and I'm being pathetic.I wouldn't be surprised, I'm pretty pathetic after all. I started thinking about why I don't have any friends, and it made me realize how I unlikable I am. I mean, who would want to be friends with a self-deprecating asshole who can barely even talk to people anymore? I don't even know what happened. I used to be sso friendly and sociable a couple of years ago and now I can barely walk up to people and talk to them without panicking or sounding like an idiot.

I've been holding in tears all day. Waling between classes is the hardest because that's when the realization hits even harder how alone I am, and I have to fight to keep the teears back. It's all coming out now. It's the end of the day so I can cry without worrying about it. I've only ever cried in study hall and no one notices because they're all too busy focused on their own thing, but it always at the end of the day when I'm alone. If I cry in public, people will think I'm being overdramatic or trying to draw attention to myself or they'd be over the top and ask me if I'm okay a million times to make it seem like they actually care if I'm okay, but really it's just they don't want to be rude or look bad, so the moment you give them verification that you're "okay", they leave and forget you were ever in pain. So there's really no point ever saying anything. If I'm not all happy and bubbly and funny, something's wrong. But whenever something's wrong, it never goes beyond, "Are you okay?" and then you tell them "Yes" and they move on just like that. And that's how you know they never really cared. It was an obligatory question because everything's an obligatory question and why would anyone ever actually care about me?

I stopped telling Soc specific things that were making me feel like shit because I'm so convinced I'm bothering her, even if she says she wants to help me. It just feels so hard to believe. That someoneg geninuely wants to help me and doesn't just feel obligated to say something because I don't seem happy. It's so hard to believe someone cares in general. What's htere to care about? There's nothing endearing about me at all. I'm not pretty, I'm fat, I'm annoying, and I'm not even *funny* funny, I just say things that make people laugh, even if I'm not joking. But I have to go with anyway because that's the only thing people really care about. Not that I'm okay or I feel like breaking down everyday or that I feel invisible or that I think I don't even matter. It's just that I'm whatever portrayal I am in there head. Everyone has their own problems, so I'm supposed to be comedic relief to make them forget about it for awhile,. I keep thinking about that. I'm just comedic relief. Not even true comedic relief. I'm not even funny, I just say things people *find* funny. I can't tell a joke to save a life, and no one really even laughs when I say anything. Half the time, I don't even know why I'm around because if you took me out of the equation, everything would be virtually the same. No one would notice I'm gone or no one would care and everyone would move on.

Sometimes, I think I'm getting better and then I just hit rock bottom all over again, and I just feel like giving up. It wasn't this bad last year, but maybe that's because when I felt like this, it was earlier in the year and I could blame it on the weather. Now I just feel like I don't even matter and it's either because I'm just fucking overdramatic or I really don't matter. It's probably both really. I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion, but it's not too far off because no one really cares. If I dropped off the face of the Earth tomorrow, the only reason anyone would care is because, "Oh, someone died, that's not good". Not because anyone ever actually liked me or missed me or anything. If anyone came to my funeral, it'd be the people who felt like they had to come, not the ones that wanted to come because no one would want to come. No one sees meas anything important and I know about it. They could lie all they want and try to reassure me that people love me and care about me and would mss me if I was gone, but jokes on them, I've learned to read past all the lying and the fake caring people do. Because at the end of the day, it's never true.

I can't tell anyone this but I've thought about it several times. Suicide. Not to the point where I feel like it's the only solution like I felt like last year, but I think it might get there again. I don't even know anymore. I don't even know how I'd do it. Pills would probably be the least messy option, maybe even if the safest if that makes any damn sense. If I took pills, it'd just be like I went to sleep and never woke up. I wouldn't feel myself leave, and it'd be a full circle. Just like no one ever noticed I was here, no one would ever notice I left either. But it's not fullproof, and I could wake up and then I'd have to explain it all, and they'd take the pills away and I'd have to find another option. The only things I really have access to is knives and pills. Maybe if I took painkillers and slit my wrists. Or I could make a rope of some sort from fabric. There are a bunch of fans and light fixtures and shelves in the house. I'd just have to find one that would work long enough, it might work. It'd burn a little at the beginning because even though I stopped fighting, my body would, but after the burning goes away, it'd be quiet, just like the pills.

You know, ironically enough, Soc just texted me. I should stop, just because she wouldn't want me to talk about it or think about it. Really, she'd want me to mention if I was thinking about it but there's no point in burdening her like that. She's strugging with it too. It wouldn't be fair. But if I did it and she found out somehow, she'd blame herself, and that's the last thing I want. She already blames herself for too much and I don't want to add to the list. That'd be selfish of me. It's so fucking frustrating knowing I can't even win. If I try it, I'll hurt one of the few people I don't want to hurt, but all of this makes me miserable and I just want it to go away. And I don't know how to make it go away. Some days the anti-depressants work and some days, I forget I'm even taking them because I feel just the same. I'm supposed to be getting better but why does it only seem like I'm getting worse?

I don't know anymore. I feel like shit. Makes sense right, takes shit to know shit. And I for one, know personally how shitty I am.