The Time (Dirty Bit)

*Todd plays Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes' "(I've Had) The Time of My Life," the song sampled in "The Time (Dirty Bit)," on his piano.*

***THE BLACK EYED PEAS - THE TIME (DIRTY BIT)
A pop song review***

**Todd**: The Black Eyed Peas. *[crowd boos]* Yeah, I know, I know. You guys remember I said I liked some of their songs, right?

*The Black Eyed Peas playing "Pump It" on the Super Bowl XLV half-time show*
**Todd (VO)**: As I record this, the Black Eyed Peas are currently suffering the most ridicule and derision they've ever suffered after their atomic disaster of a performance at the Super Bowl half-time show. But... I'm really sorry guys, I cannot say I think the Black Eyed Peas are anywhere near the worst thing ever to happen to pop music, like a lot of people do.

**Todd**: In fact, I get a little annoyed whenever they're described as such. I mean, trust a guy who knows: There are many, *many* worse acts than the Black Eyed Peas. They're silly and not particularly dignified, but they're good at putting together strong and catchy hooks, and they always have been.

*Clip of the Black Eyed Peas' early single "Joints & Jam"*
**Todd (VO)**: Part of the reason they do get as much flack as they do is because they started out as cool bohemian rappers before becoming pop sell-outs and... you know, that's true, but... I've listened to their work when they were "cool and respectable" and honestly, while I do like it more than their newer stuff, I don't really hear a lot lyrically that wouldn't fit into their current work. I mean they used more Hammond organ and less electronica back then, but...it's not all that different. And considering the kind of work they do now, their old stuff kinda looks like a pose.

**Todd**: So, I don't know, I can't find it in my heart to hate on them completely. \*sighs\* That said...

*Super Bowl show, "Boom Boom Pow" is played*
**Fergie**: People in the place
**Peas**: Say what?!
**Todd (VO)**: One second of "Boom Boom Pow" will make any defense I can muster for them die in my throat. The fact is that even on the songs I like by them, their ability to create hooks has always been brought down by their complete inability to put together any kind of decent lyrics. At best, the lyrics are generic enough that they don't get in the way of a good beat; but at worst...

*Video for "My Humps"*
**Fergie**: My hump, my hump...
**Todd (VO)**: Oh, God in heaven. I mean, the gap between their good stuff and their bad stuff is wider than the Grand Canyon. When they're good, they're...pretty good. When they're bad, they're unlistenable! Sometimes I feel like they're engaging in a stupid contest with each other. *[Image of...]* MC Skat Kat would be embarrassed to put stuff like this on record.

**Todd**: And that brings us to their latest hit single *[cover of single]* "The Time (Dirty Bit)," off their latest album, *[cover of album]* the vaguely threateningly-titled *The Beginning*. Beginning of what? I don't know. If I had to guess, I'd say it's the beginning of even their most dedicated apologist throwing their hands up and giving up. Because... I'm just gonna cut to the chase on this one—"The Time" is quite possibly the Black Eyed Peas' worst song. Worse than "Imma Be." Worse than "My Humps." I do not make that statement lightly. I know what I'm saying. Don't believe me? Take a listen.

*Video for "The Time (Dirty Bit)"*
**Modulated voice**: (This is international, Big mega radio smasher)
**Todd**: Yeah, I don't know what any of that meant, but this song will make you want to smash your radio! \*sigh\* Those of you who don't know what's coming, I wish I could see your faces.

**will.I.am**: I've had the time of my life
And I never felt this way before
And I swear, this is true *[Todd facepalms]*
And I owe it all to you
**Fergie**:I've had the time of my life...
**Todd (VO)**: For those of you not familiar with a little something we call the 1980s, this is sampled from *[cut to video for...]* "(I've Had) The Time of My Life," the 1987 hit song from the movie *Dirty Dancing*, performed by former Righteous Brother Bill Medley and professional duet machine Jennifer Warnes.

**Todd**: \*sighs\* And right away, we're already starting on the wrong foot as far as I'm concerned, because I just hate everything about *Dirty Dancing*.

*Footage from Dirty Dancing*
**Todd (VO)**: Blame an ex-girlfriend who made me watch it a few dozen too many times, but yeah, I really, genuinely hate this stupid ass movie. The abysmal dialogue...

**Johnny (Patrick Swayze)**: Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
**Todd (VO)**: The confusing 60s/80s soundtrack that destroys any sense of atmosphere...

**Eric Carmen**: Hungry eyes...
**Todd (VO)**: Just the fact of how deceptively *not* dirty anything in that movie is. *Dirty Dancing* is so tame and lame, people tend to forget that it's not really a dance movie as much as a story about an experienced ladies' man taking a teenage girl's virginity.

**Todd**: I mean, seriously. Could you even imagine a less sexy, less exciting movie about an older man seducing a high school girl?

*Footage from Twilight*
**Bella**: How old are you?
**Edward**: I'm 17.
**Bella**: How long have you been 17?
**Edward**: A while.
**Todd**: Hmm. Point taken.

*Video for "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"*
**Bill Medley**: Now I've had...
**Todd (VO)**: But, despite my hatred of *Dirty Dancing*, if I had to pick one thing about it that I can grudgingly appreciate, I guess it would be "Time of My Life." I mean, the combination of Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes actually connects with the theme of "older man, younger woman," and the use of 60s artist Bill Medley forces some coherence into the decade-divided soundtrack. It's a solid tune.

**Todd**: And I cannot believe the temerity of these *[Brief clip of "The Time (Dirty Bit)"]* blockheads to try and perform this. We swapped out a Righteous Brother...

*Performance of "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'"*
**Bill**: But baby, baby, I know it...
**Todd**: ...with will.i.am.

*Video for "My Humps"*
**will.i.am**: I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa, mix your milk...
**Todd**: That is not an upgrade.

*Video for "The Time (Dirty Bit)"*
**Todd (VO)**: No, no, this is just...disrespectful. They didn't even get the words right!

**will.i.am**: And I never felt this way before
And I swear this is true
*Don't Forget the Lyrics* game. "This is true" is wrong.
**Todd (VO)**: No, I'm sorry. The lyrics are "it's the truth." But you played the game so well, guys, we've got some lovely parting gifts.

**Todd**: Actually, wait a minute, what am *I* talking about? I've never been anti-sampling. I mean, yeah, it's not nearly as good as the original, but it's still a nice strong chorus, and I like a good nostalgia bomb as much as anyone. You know what? I take it all back, I take it all back. No. Turn it up.

**Fergie**: Now I've had the time of my life
**Todd (singing over Fergie)**: And I've never felt this way before

**Fergie**: And I swear
**Todd (singing over Fergie)**: It's the truth, and I owe it all to you cause...

**Fergie**: ooo-ooh-ooh-ooh- *repeats endlessly as Todd is in a state of shock*
*beat starts changing to a completely different one*
**will.i.am**: Dirty bit! Dirty bit!
**Todd (VO)**: Sneaks up on you, doesn't it? Lures you in with a nice familiar chorus and then BLAM!—point-blank blast in the face with the shit cannon.

**Todd**: I didn't realize it was possible to desecrate something I wasn't really a fan of to begin with, but...they found a way.

**will.i.am**: Dirty bit!
**Todd (VO)**: *[singing Benny Benassi's...]* Push me, and then just touch me. So I can get my satisfaction.

**Todd**: This is awful. How in the world was this allowed to happen?

**Todd (VO)**: Someone must have realized that this sounded like digital vomit. *[Woman in the music video vomits out a stream of pixels]* Oh, looks like the video director did. Nice subtle commentary there, Mr. Director, well played.

**Todd**: Matter of fact, I think a lot of people behind the song realized how badly this didn't need to happen.

**Todd (VO)**: Towards the end, you can hear what sounds like someone trying desperately to turn off Fergie's mic.

**Fergie**: I've had the time of my li-i-i-i...
**Todd (VO)**: Whoever did that, we appreciate the attempt, sir.

**Todd**: You thought she sounded bad at the Super Bowl? You ain't heard nothin'.

**Fergie**: (*Autotuned*) I was born to get wild, that's my style
If you didn't know that, well baby now you know now
**Todd**: This is the worst use of Auto-Tune I have ever heard, and lyrically, I...what is there to say about it? I mean, as it turns out, Fergie wants to party. Did you know that? Could you ever have guessed? 'Cause we didn't have enough of those. God knows we only had six dozen other party songs released last week!

**Peas**: Cause I'm, havin', a, good, time, with you!
**Todd**: No, no, keep shouting about what a good time this is. Maybe if you keep saying it, it'll happen, and we'll forget what a painful mess the rest of this is. No, no, as it turns out, *[footage of crowd shouting "ELEVATOR PARTY!" over and over again]* a bunch of people shouting at you that you're having a good time, is not the same thing as having a good time.

**will.i.am**: I-I came up in here to rock, light a fire make it hot
I don't wanna take no pictures, I just wanna take some shots!
**Todd**: *[cocks gun]* That can be arranged.

**Todd (VO)**: This is just abysmal. They've stolen a beloved 80s hit to trick people into listening to this terrible other song. Cause it's not the same song. These parts do not go together, not even lyrically if you think about it. I mean, the verse is all about what's happening now, and the chorus is in the past tense.

**Todd**: You know, as if they're saying, "yep, I've *had* the time of my life...

**Todd (VO)**: "...now *this* part of my life is happening. All downhill from here." And wh...what's he saying right before that really awful part starts?

**will.i.am**: Dirty bit!
**Todd**: "Dirty bit"? I guess I do feel dirty, but seriously, you sound like a moron.

**Todd (VO)**: The Frog says...

**will.i.am**: Dirty bit!
**Todd**: Okay, we've already heard will.i.am and Fergie, but there are still two other guys. Well, one guy, actually. I mean, Taboo isn't even on this song at all; I'm not sure if he's even still part of the band. Maybe they fired him and didn't have the guts to tell him. Meanwhile, you've got apl.de.ap, and if you're wondering how bad you have to be that you get overshadowed by will.i.am and Fergie, take a listen.

**apl.de.ap**: All-all these girls, they like my swagger
They calling me Mick Jagger
I be rolling like a Stone
**Todd (VO)**: Oh, come on. Seriously? Another swagger-Mick Jagger rhyme.

**Todd**: That's what you're going with. I...I don't know if you know, but there was *[Video for "Tik Tok"]* this other song that kinda used that same rhyme. I mean, you might've heard of it, it was kind of *only the biggest hit of last year!* I've called the Black Eyed Peas a lot of things, but before now, I never really had cause to call them unoriginal. But you know what? Throw that on the pile too.

**Todd (VO)**: Oh, by the way, apl.de.ap, no, no one's called you Mick Jagger ever. You wish, pal.

**apl.de.ap**: I be rolling like a Stone
Jet-setter, jet-lagger
**Todd (VO)**: Only a member of the Black Eyed Peas would be stupid enough to boast about having jet lag. In another song, he raps about having bedsores, too.

**Todd**: I don't know what else to say about this. This is just obscenely bad. Oh, I know. *[Adjusts the settings]* Haven't pulled this one out in a while. *[Plays fanfare]* (FINISH THE RHYME!) Finish the rhyme. Hit me.

**apl.de.ap**: I be rolling like a Stone
Jet-setter, jet-lagger
We ain't messing with no maggots
Messing with the \_\_\_\_\_\_
**Todd**: Fa...um...*[doesn't want to say it]* um...

**apl.de.ap**: We ain't messing with no maggots
Messing with the \_\_\_\_\_\_
*Final Jeopardy! music plays*

**Todd**: That...that can't...I pass. I pass.

**apl.de.ap**: We ain't messing with no maggots
Messing with the baddest
**Todd (VO)**: OH COME ON!

**apl.de.ap**: Haters better step back
Ladies download your app
I'm the party application
Rock it just like that
**Todd**: \*sigh\* Get it? 'Cause he's apl.de.ap

**Todd (VO)**: Need an obnoxious jackass shouting nonsense at you?

**Todd**: There's an app for that. Dude, if I had an iPhone, I would use it to listen to better music. You...you can do that with an iPhone, right? I...I honestly have no idea.

**Apl.de.ap**: Honey what's up
Mirror, mirror on the wall...
**Todd**: ...Shovel chestnuts in my path.

*Video for De La Soul - "Me, Myself and I"*
**De La Soul**: Mirror, mirror on the wall
Shovel chestnuts in my path
**Todd (VO)**: Could we keep listening to this, please? I like this song. *[Back to normal]* Awwww!

**Apl.de.ap**: It's gotta be the apl
I'm the mac daddy, ya'll
**Todd**: The miggity-miggity-miggity mack daddy?

*Video for Kris Kross - "Jump!"*
**Mac Daddy**: The miggity-miggity-miggity mack daddy
**Todd (VO)**: I'm sorry, I just haven't heard anybody use the term "mack daddy" since I was in grade school.

**Todd**: Could we go back to the De La Soul song?

**Todd (VO)**: No? Okay, I'm gonna wrap this up. Yeah, the Black Eyed Peas' worst song, I stand by that. I mean, "My Humps" was reprehensible, but at least it was catchy! I mean, this is just unconscionable! Any other group in pop music would have the good sense to be ashamed by this.

**Todd**: Bill, what do you think about what they're doing to your song?

**Bill**: Baby, something beautiful's dyin'
**Todd**: I feel you, man. Black Eyed Peas—now exactly as bad as everyone always said they were. Good night.

**Fergie**: And I swear this is true
And I owe it all to you
**will.i.am**: *[image of frog]* Dirty bit!
*Closing Tag Song: Lumidee ft. Tony Sunshine - "She's Like the Wind"*

***THE END
"The Time (Dirty Bit)" is owned by Interscope
This video is owned by me***