2015 Grammy Vlog

*Todd slams his hands down on the piano.*

**Todd:** Okay. There is, probably nothing more boring, than listening to someone complain about how boring the Grammys are but... even for Grammys, this was a *disgustingly* safe ceremony, like there was... zero edge to this whatsoever and I,I,I know it's, like, do I say that every year? It's okay, I remember last year being pretty good. And I went back and checked yes, I did say... last year was a good, ceremony. Or at least a better ceremony than they usually do; a better than average ceremony. This is... this was pretty below average, this is... (sighs) this was awful, and I, I'll be honest. And, I'm not saying there weren't good performances 'cause there were, there were, actually quite a ton but, it, it, it was amazing how... barely a show this and, I'm, I'm sitting there watching, it was like; why is this so much less watchable than the Emmys and the Golden Globes and the Oscars which... you know are God's, not God's gift to television but... I don't know it's just, like, it's built around live performances, it's... we get to see, what's being awarded, as it's performed, I, et, all the big nominees performed and, it should be good, but it's not it was, really bad, it was really dull, uh... ah, eh, you know the you know if, the awards aren't going to matter and, BOY oh boy did the awards not matter this year. Y, you should, a, at least have fun with it; go over the top but, it seemed like they went for the safe choice, each and every single time. Um, uh, first off... there was no hip-hop except, one, that, the John Legend song with Common, right at the end, which, is admittedly a good song it's just, it's not, the most, like, "up" song in the world. And you know, in the years past, they'd have Deadmou5e perform and they'd have... uh... Daft Punk perform, no electronica this year... nothing but the, the, the, the safest performers. And, at first I was encouraged when LL Cool J says like, "no, I'm not gonna do the comedy this year". Which thank God, cause LL Cool J turns into a kid's show, host more and more every year but, I don't know, it, it kinda needs to have some of that embarrassing comedy; something that make you cringe because otherwise why are you watching this? And, as for uh, the substance of all, um... the Sam Smith backlash starts today. I was uh, I was ahead of the curve on that one but, yeah, uh, people are going to, be complaining about Sam Smith a lot more after these Grammy wins because... Sam Smith, like uh, if, if the Man Of The Year, as far as the Grammys' concerned is Sam Smith, (sighs), never change Grammys. Never change. Why am I saying never change Grammys? (laughs) Of course they're never gonna change; they're the Grammys. (Sighs agains) "Stay With Me" is just not a very good song. It's... it, it's just not very passionate. It's, "Stay With Me" is of course, a song that exemplifies... this, Grammy Awards Show: it's too scared to get messy, is too scared to get embarrassing... and... in the past I've said that, like, giving up on the awards, might be a good thing so we can just have more performances but, this year they *really* gave up on them like, they gave out last award and then the awards, I mean and then the show continued for an hour after the last award. Like they have given up, any pre tense of caring. They just, they know you don't care and that, sense of, failure just kind of pervades the show and I, did they even give out any... rap awards during the show, I don't think they did. I mean granted this was not a great year for rap but God I'd loved to have seen uh, Eminem or Kendrick Lamar take their awards. Cause I know they won some, in the, in the pre-show. but the, they barely acknowledged uh, hip-hop even existed. Oh God, what else? Well here's, here's what I'm talking about, as far as, uh, them playing it safe: Maroon 5 performs. Or uh, maybe it was just Adam Levine I don't know, I didn't see the rest of Maroon 5 there. And, God knows... Maroon 5 had a lot hits this year... they, they gotta big here right now, "Sugar", and uh, they had "Maps", they had "Animals", God knows I'm not a fan of any of them but (laughs) God, Adam Levine performing "Animals", at the Grammys would be great, (imitates Adam Levine's howl) it would have been wonderful. And uh, no they, they went for the ballad. Y'know they had... uh Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande had a ton of hits this year; the sexy ones, the, upbeat ones, y'know, the loud ones and, she went from the ballad. And Ed Sheeran, Ed Sheeran, had a big year this year with a lot of hip-hop (chuckles) party jams... which is still weird to me, and no he want for the ballad, he went for the big ballad, granted it's gonna be his biggest hit, probably this year, but, you know, "Thinking Out Loud", who wants to hear that, over, you know, "Sing" or "Don't". It's like "oh man, I cant wait to hear Ed Sheeran's performance, of "Thinking Out Loud". And they, they had John Mayer performing with him, alongside him to you know to play guitar. For Ed Sheeran which, it seemed kinda cruel to me... because Ed Sheeran is basically our newer, better John Mayer. It's like a... it's like when you've been fired but they make you train your replacement. That's what it's like. So yeah they had Ed Sheeran and John Mayer. John Mayer, has wanted that pop star swagger all his career; he's wanted it so badly, and Ed Sheeran went and took it all that's funny. Oh God what else? What else? What else? What else? Um, let me see my notes here... oh yeah, they started out with AC/DC... which, speaking of things never changing, uh, AC/DC can't age badly cause they've always looked like that, they've always sound like that so, uh you know it's not a bad way to start of the show I guess... not the most, current or uh... relevant but, you know, that's what we love about AC/DC they don't change. They never changed. And... AC/DC and, the other, classic rock act that performed is ELO. Uh they've had better days, I guess, I mean I love ELO, but they're, they're a little past it. They kept introducing them as Jeff Lynne's ELO which was really weird. I, uh, I guess, I think Jeff Lynne's, angling for some kind of Lifetime Achievement Award because they, they kept, pounding his name into the dirt. Okay, um, whatever, Tony Bennett performed it was Tony Bennett, Lady Gaga performed with him. Eh. Oh yeah, and uh Kanye performed I really liked Kanye's performance... uh, the one he did solo, more than the one he did with Paul McCartney, not a huge fan of that Paul McCartney one I wish uh... I wish there was more Kanye and Less Paul on it honestly... it, it seemed like, Paul took the reins entirely on that one Kanye just sang on it, eh it could've, I felt like Kanye could have contributed a little bit more in Kanye and Rhianna, iiii, it, feels a little old... uh in, in Kanye singing it didn't help, and Kanye didn't rap: when I say, only one rapper perform I'm not including Kanye in that because he didn't, rap, he sang he sang in his auto-tune which I liked, I liked Kanye. And uh... on the more positive stuff, even though I wish there was more up key, I liked Katy Perry's performance really enough, didn't see that coming, but I like it I guess, uh, I liked... uh, Beck's performance with Chris Martin even though I'm, much cooler on sea change then I... was when it first came out honestly... I, I like more happy upbeat, wacky Beck, with the silly sound effects and samples, uh... but yeah this was a good performance Beck and uh, Chris Martin they work real well together, I know Beck's doing this whole thing where he collaborates with, pretty much with anyone who will walk into a studio... well yeah, that one worked pretty well, and "Take Me To Church", "Take Me To Church" that went real well and I'm, I say that as, not a fan of "Take Me To Church" like at all but, after so many deadening ballads, it was good, to see something that heavy and dramatic step up and then they, him and Annie Lennox with uh, "I put a spell on you" which, that worked real. That was uh, that was really great. (sighs) Did I forget any, no there, there weren't any awards. Sa, if there were awards, Sam Smith won, I think won, Best R&B album, Best Rap Vocal, Best Folk album, Best, Jazz album. Seriously, that's so underwhelming, Sam Smith I guess that's why they didn't end on an award. Cause, you know. Wh, why even pretend it's gonna be a climax "yay Sam Smith". I, I, I think Sam Smith has potential, he is a good singer, but, uh he is uh... too restrained. Much like this whole ceremony it's just too restrained they... he needs to... be a little more excited because "Stay With Me" it's just not... I don't know maybe, maybe he'll blossom like a Bruno Mars; maybe he'll uh... pick it up or, maybe he'll be like Norah Jones and disappear. We'll see. But I, w, all this talk about him being a male Adele: *no,* no, Adele's performance's are *full* of passion... she, she is righteous. And Sam Smith is just, he's he's not pulling it off. Before I was really surprised not to see perform is Iggy Azalea. I guess, I guess she's a little too controversial for uh... the Grammys. Honestly I was like, "Please anyone but Iggy Azelea, I don't wanna see Iggy Agzelea win a god damn thing and she didn't and then, afterwards, (sighs) I don't know... she... considering uh... how... not tasteless enough, so to speak this whole performance was, it could've been nice to have Iggy Azelea get up there and be tasteless... be horribly, horribly tasteless. And... there was Madonna and Madonna has had, *real* difficulty... being old; being the older diva but I think she's finally, finally, getting the hang of where she needs to be at this point in her career; what kind of music she needs to be making cause this was a, a much better than, I think she did the Super Bowl and it was like, "M.A.D. Madonna" or, however it went with Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. and uh, y'know this was a much better use of her talent, that said, she was uh, pretty obviously out of breath she was, she was quite winded. Which is, which is weird because, Madonna stays in such good shape, like she works so hard and she always has on making sure if she can perform, i, it was weird to see here a little shaky up there, and one super embarrassing thing, when uh, Nikki and Miley Cyrus, introduced her, they or was it Miley said something like... it was like, "my bitch, Madonna" and then she's like, "she made me say that", and then she (chuckles), she was like really obviously just so embarrassed this whole sense of, "mom you're embarrassing me". To that uh... to that introduction, and just the thought of, Madonna having to go, "no no Miley Miley call me, your bitch do it, it'll be great" and, there's just something so sad about that; "please make me look cool Miley". And uh... oh and uh, I saved the best for last... and it's the, it's the one moment where the (stutters) show really just got kinda nuts, and that was when Sia performed and uh, Sia's really camera shy huh!, she does not want to show her face and... I, I know she's not like uh, the most conventually attractive I, I guess it's why she doesn't want to open herself up to all the, bullshit from, TMZ and all at. Not sure this makes it any better but... Yeah she uh, hid her face throughout the entire thing; she wore a giant wig that covered her face, in the... in the, on the red carpet, she performed with her back to the wall, I mean with her, her face the wall, so she, couldn't be seen on camera like, I don't even know she was singing and, I don't even know that was her. But (stutters) the great thing was that, well first off, Shia, Shia Labeouf, came out and introduced her, with, a weird poem... that didn't make any sense... that he read off of, off of notes like I would, just like, staring at his, paper, reading his notes, flatly, god knows what it's about, it ended "love eric" and then (sighs), and the he introduced her, yeah I'm, I'm, I'm starting to dig weird Shia and... he does it, he's so much more genuinely weirder then, uh, say James Franco who tries so God damn hard. Although I, I guess Sia and Shia also have that in common; they don't like showing their faces; Shia showed up with that bag on his head, like God what is wrong with them? h...ho...how, can you be, put yourself out there and then be afraid to hide your face, who does that? Pfft. But yeah and then, she performs, with her back, to the, the (stutters) her back to the audience, and then the little girl comes out dancing but also I believe it was Kristen Wiig, it may not be Kristen Wiig, I genuinely don't know, I believe it was Kristen Wiig, and they were dancing and I have no idea what they were doing, it was like, is, is this a parody? I don't think it was! It's just Kristen Wigg out there dancing. It was the, the weirdest thing, and I loved it, it was, the best moment of the night by far. Although uh, Pharrell's um, weird, bellboy performance of "Happy", with the dramatic music i... like uh... it's was like, it sounded like "The Imperial March" or something, from Star Wars just like this *heavy, dramatic, don don don don don*, for "Happy" of all things, and he was dressed like a bellboy, for some reason... I get, I heard he sold, he auctioned off his stupid hat so he needed another new stupid hat, fine with me. That version of "Happy", maybe would have been bumped up, um, maybe 4 or 5 slots on my best list. So, there were some highlights; there's always gotta be some highlights, but overall I ranked this as, pretty low, on the uh... on the Grammy things I've had to vlog and I uh, I don't know who watches this anymore, I think only, Entertainment Weekly writers and, people like me. And, honestly like looking back like, I can't believe that once upon a time they let, Chris Brown, perform twice. Perform *twice*. Which, on the one hand is disgusting, but on the other hand, Chris Brown at least puts on like a modern performance you know... at least he puts on something... verses you know, Adam Levine and, Gwen Stefani are just gonna stand there. I don't know, this was dull. This was truly dull. This is, probably the least relevant I've ever seen the Grammys look and this was... say for the Grammys, that is saying quiet a bit. I did not like this year, I did not like this year... (sighs) this was a bad show, this was a bad show, but, you really should check out, uh, Sia; the, the entire thing including Shia's, introduction, it was just a, (stutters) bizarre moment of, weirdness... In a... pathetically, sedate, perform, uh, show it was really bad. So uh, there you go. The Grammys 2015. Guy's can't we do better next year, please? Put in some more bad company, put in... embarrass yourself more; try harder. No more this safe stuff okay, thank you, goodnight.