Matt Gourley, Our Close Friend

**"Matt Gourley, Our Close Friend"** is the thirty-eighth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

## Earwolf Synopsis

Hayes and Sean start with “Late Night Snack”, where they discuss Jimmy Fallon’s greatest moments and play a game of laugh vs. yawn with Engineer Sam. Then, college comedy professor and podcast pro Matt Gourley is on to talk guns, robots, his classroom process, and lead the guys in a classic mirror exercise. Finally, the Popcorn Gallery is back to bring up topics like weird experiences with women, mummies, Cabo St. Lucas, and then Matt tells a bonus story about bully vengeance.

## Notes & Memorable Quotes

### Pre-Guest Segment

* Hayes over the theme: "So, I'm havin' this conversation, and I'm callin' him 'Dominic Monaghan, Dominic Monaghan, Dominic Monaghan' the whole time, and so I keep using his name. And then, like, we're saying goodbye and she says 'By the way, I'm Anna Faris.' And I's like 'You have to admit, you kind of do look the same.'"
* Hayes messes up his 'Hey' at the beginning so he does his again. Then Sean doesn't like his so he tries to do it again, and he continues to mess it up several more times. A monarch butterfly flew into his mouth and messed it up the second time. It wasn't a viceroy, Hayes could tell based off the dust around his mouth.

### Guest Segment

* Sean talking over the theme: "So I nudged Tyson.. Beckford, and I go, 'uh hello, she's talking to you,' and he goes 'No she's talking to you she said hey handsome!' and I go, 'No you're handsome I'm gorgeous.' But she was talking to me after all." "Uh huh, she was like negging you." "Exactly, yes."
* Hayes mentions how Matt is a professor because he wears glasses. Matt agrees and says he teaches online at Riverside City College, and on campus at Longbeach City College and College of the Canyons at Valencia
* Teaching online is like a robot. Matt admits to being scared of robots taking over
* Sean mentions how Obama is coming for everyone's guns, and Hayes pulls him aside. Sean is whispering on about how Obama is coming for their guns. Hayes yells at Sean and mentions how they talked about this, Sean is allowed to talk about this but he has to keep his voice down
* Matt asks Sean how many guns he has, and Sean mentions it's just hard to get them nowadays with Obama coming for them all. He wanted the one with seashells on it but when he went to buy it the cashier said 'Oh I think a gentleman already purchased that one' and he turned around and Obama was holding the gun and giggling as he scurries and scampers away
* Obama has a little network of tunnels between gun stores that way he can take all the guns he wants and carry them back to the oval office. He's going to make everyone marry a horse, or those fake men who try to trick you into marrying them. What about these ~~bridezillas~~ bridejiras!?
* Matt teaches Comedy 101, and Hayes and Sean ask him about his daily routine when going to teach. He gets into his little moustache car and his t-shirt with a tweed tuxedo shirt and that's step 1.
* Hayes and Sean want Matt to walk everyone through a Comedy 101 class and what it's like on a daily basis
	+ First thing Matt does is have everyone lie down in a circle with their heads on the bellies of the person in front of them and then everyone just laughs, and everyone's heads just bounce like a bunch of jelly bellies on a waterbed. That's how he opens up as an icebreaker. It gets rid of those who's heads are too heavy or bellies too soft.
	+ Hayes asks Matt if he can practice the mirror test with him and Sean. He assures Matt that they already know what to do and how to do it but it's for those who are listening. Matt has Sean and Hayes stand and look at each other. He has Sean move his hand and Hayes mimic that. Sean makes a sound effect to mimic that he's actually doing the practice (because it's podcast nobody will know the difference) Matt wants them to organically switch who has control, and also mentions he never wants anyone to have control, he wants to be in charge of everything.
	+ The only real way to make an A in Matt's class is to never show up, because that's unexpected and comedy is all about surprise
	+ Matt mentions how everyone in his class is required to have a FitBit (a device that measures how many steps a day you take). Hayes has a fitness tracker called a Withings, made by FitBitte. "Entschuldigen sie bitte!"
	+ Sean is only registering about 350 steps by 1PM so he's averaging about 700 a day. Thing is he takes really big steps so he feels he should be up to about 1,000. A way to get exercise is to put your FitBit on a thirsty bird's head, or your cat's collar.
	+ The qualities of various reflecting surfaces is discussed
	+ Matt mentions that in his class you have to drink a gallon of milk as fast as they can. The myth that you can't do it is untrue, he's seen it done plenty of times. Hayes and Sean share their stories about how they drank several gallons of milk in an hour. After Sean's, he did a "Milk was a bad choice!" joke. While he was holding up a watter bottle. Surprise! "It's so good when it hits your lips."
	+ Hayes, Sean, and Matt share several stories about how they just downed several gallons of milk
	+ Comedy is just quotes, even if it's a new jokes because you're quoting your brain
	+ Matt has only given an A to people who have seen the Will Farrell movie *Stranger than Fiction* or not shown up to his class.
* Hayes did not know what a glaive was, he thought it was some kind of club, a smushing weapon. Sean is laughing and mentions how mortifying it is that Hayes didn't know what a glaive was.

## Recurring Segments

* Late Night Snack
	+ Hayes and Sean wanted to call this segment midnight snack, or even @midnight snack, but since they weren't gonna be talking about @midnight snack they decided to call it Late Night Snack instead. Not to be confused with the show Late Night. This segment should actually be called Tonight Snack
	+ Hayes and Sean just wanted to do this segment to share appreciation for Jimmy and how he brought back to life a forum that was about to die (late night talk shows), defibrillator sound effects!
	+ Every night you can tune in to be surprised by a guest that will do something they usually wouldn't do on television, Sean goes on a rant about how boring scripted television can be nowadays. It's much more authentic to do what Jimmy is doing
	+ Sean shares his appreciation for how much he laughed when Blake Shelton from the voice put on a crocodile head. Isn't that better than an interview? Then the Roots came out an played "Crocodile Rock." Then Blake went 'I remember when rock was... Old? yeah I'm almost 40' What a real geniune moment
	+ Hayes shares his appreciation for Charlie Bit My Finger where Charlie Hunnam dressed up in baby clothes and again with Charlie Day, then Charlie "Birdman" Parker reenacted the classic video. He reenacted it several nights of the week, including one night he did it with Axl Rose, then with Charles Schultz's widow
	+ Sean mentions how great it was when Andrew Garfield came out and played a full game of Axis and Allies (which usually takes 4-6 hours to play) and watched him play it by himself
	+ Lizzy Caplan came on the show and brought her sack lunch, and was trading her stuff with Jimmy and Questlove
* Laugh vs. Yawn
	+ Hayes mentions to Sam that he heard him make a noise about 45 seconds ago, and he asks if it was a laugh or a yawn. He warns him to be very very careful during his response and that he can take as much time as he needs to and also ask questions to find out what the correct answer is, they won't tell him exactly but maybe steer him in the right direction. People can clearly hear what noise it was it was some kind of exhalation
	+ Sean mentions one of the questions he should maybe ask would be what one of those kinds of sounds would indicate on how you feel about what's going on in the room
	+ Hayes wasn't looking at him because he was trying to do a show, so he's not sure if Sam was patting his mouth or holding his sides. Sean was also not looking because he's trying to do a podcast, and he assumed other people not doing podcast would make noise
	+ Hayes asks if Sam now has any questions that will help him discover if what he did was a laugh or a yawn but Sam said he did not have any questions... It was a yawn, and he apologizes
	+ Sean: "Oh well he's having a sleepy day, that could happen to anyone.... nnNOT!! You're fucking dead meat mister, and wait til I tell your freakin dad."
	+ Hayes mentions how it was clearly a laugh, he was enjoying the show. He was fucking losing it. Sean didn't take his eyes off him for a second, he saw him. He clearly lied and said it was a yawn to try and act big or whatever, to try and get girls or something.
	+ Sean has gone through training and never keeps an eye off Sam like a hawk, because he is always wondering if he's gonna lie and try and act tough and big to get girls. Sean has 100% peripheral vision.
	+ If there are any girls about Sam's age who think that Sam's looks or certain things about his physique are... intriguing. They shouldn't get too invested. Sam disagree's and Hayes and Sean again berate him for lying.
	+ Hayes and Sean dread that someday people like Sam will be in charge and running the world one day, and contemplate learn to use computers. Using the squares, like the little square and big square. And the L shaped and sideways ones.
* Popcorn Gallery - Both Sean and Matt's friend's Mark from high school compete in the sound drops
	1. Michael Bay of Pigs - "Matt, what's your strangest experience with a woman?"
		+ Matt replies that his normal is strange, and that he once made love to a woman doing the high jump (she was too). Sean: "Fosbury flop indeed!"
	2. Andrew - "Mr. Grawrly, you haven't put out a podcast for over a year, is that due to laziness or mere incompetence?"
		+ Matt replies that he clearly doesn't understand what it takes to podcast. This leads to another discussion of Hayes's muscle smallening surgery, first referenced in Ep. #036 - John Cochran, Our Close Friend. The short answer is that Matt does all his podcasting through Cabo St. Lucas. (Hayes and Sean do a callback to the segment 6 degrees of Cabocation -- Cabo SAM lucas)
	3. Bozos of Basketball - "Did the jerk kids in grade school call you Matt Girly? if so, which weapon did you use to beat their butts?"
		+ Matt says it's absolutely true, and he went to Ireland with his father and grandfather a few years back and visited the Gourley farm and Matt said how great it was to be back at the Gourley farm, the guy who owned the place Ivor Mulligan said 'Oh you mean the Girly farm?' and Matt chose the glaive from the movie *Krull* to just kill them all.
* Pro Version - Matt Gourley actually bought the pro version this week, so he takes it from one of the forum users. The prize was gonna be you get to take Matt's class so that'll save Matt some money. Matt mentions that his one regret is that he can't take his own class.

## Recurring Jokes

* Points! - Hayes and Sean begin talking about *@midnight* at the beginning of the show and mention they'll probably talk about 'points' later
* Newspaper Comics - Hayes remembers when Charles Shultz's wife came on to The Tonight Show as a tribute to Charlie Brown, reenacting Charlie Bit My Finger
* Sean and Hayes's Particular Attribute - they discuss Sam's particular attribute, and say people shouldn't get too intrigued by it.
* Talking to the Engineer - Hayes and Sean berate Sam over whether a noise he made was a laugh or a yawn
	+ Sean's Little Cousin - Sean mentions that just because he's family doesn't mean he won't let him have it.
	+ Hayes asks Sam what that Will Farrell movie was called about the yard sale. Sam says he's not sure, and then he looks it up, Sean and Hayes berate Sam for saying he's not sure before looking it up
	+ Matt notices that engineer Sam's coat has elbow patches on it. He mentions that you have to earn your stripes and asks Sam if he earned those patches. Sam mentions that he has 'not really' earned his patches. This sets them off making fun of him for "Not really!"
	+ Hayes and Sean then notice that there's some kind of elbow cream on the table and then Hayes and Sean freak out and accuse Sam of it being Jizz!
* Politics / Controversial Sean- Obama wants to take everyone's guns! He's coming for them. Hayes encourages Sean to keep his voice down during this rant. If Obama tries to come take Sean's gone he's got a nnasty surprise!
* Flyover States - Hayes and Sean mention they want to really explore Matt's Comedy 101 class for those who live in places like Nebraska and Idaho, Indiana, or any kind of Dakota. Any state where you flyover, look down, and they're spelling "Help!" in the corn. "Get me the fuck out of here!" In corn.They go to Sears and listen to the show in the showroom.
* Speak on That - Hayes wants Matt to speak on the fact that comedy is all about surprise. Matt says that he should go to the book section of Sears and pick up his book for more information.
	+ Sean asks Matt to speak on what he think the best Will Ferrell quotes are and what movies to watch and what sketches. He starts with *Stranger than Fiction*. Sean stops him and says "More Cowbell"
* Too Scary - Sean has to stop Matt because when he's talking about his sickness of his terminal cold Matt loses so much snot, it dehydrates his whole body and he turns into just a withered old mummy, and his skin is the toilet paper. It got way too scary to listen to. Instead of words like "mummy" Hayes suggests "King Tut's Exotic New Form." Sean: "Brendan Fraser's Vicious Nemesis."
* Mark - They are playing some competing sound drops with Matt's friend also named Mark from high school. It keeps the old Mark on his toes. New Mark does a very impressive foley impression of a vacuum cleaner. The sound drops address each other at the final one!

## Episode Photos

*(left to right)* Hayes Davenport, Matt Gourley, Sean ClementsHayes, Sean, and Matt Gourley in the studioSean and Matt Gourley in the studioSean and Matt Gourley in the studio