Babysitting

**Babysitting**is episode 19b of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on June 12, 1999.

## Synopsis

Constantinos needs money to pay his rent, but fortunately, he's in for a treat: Bill and Whitney are going out of town in honor of their anniversary, Wyatt is attending a national arm wrestling competition, and Stanley is going on a trip with his cousins, so they have assigned him to babysit Sierra. However, everything goes downhill once it's just him and Sierra in the penthouse. With Dallas at the same competition as Wyatt, and Edward busy with an intense game of Backgammon, he has no choice but to turn to Joey for advice.

## Cast

* Andrew Rannells as Edward, Wyatt, The Narrator and B. Roadcast
* Gary Sauls as Constantinos
* Wayne Grayson as Joey
* Clancy Brown as Bill
* Grey DeLisle as Whitney and Sierra
* Mike Pollock as Mr. Rattlebag

Buford and Stanley make silent cameo appearances. Dallas is mentioned by Constantinos.

## Trivia

* This is the first episode that features Sierra as a major character.
* Although this episode premiered in 1999, it was produced in 1998 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.
* This is the second episode in the series where Edward only serves as a minor character.
* This episode is available to watch on the Hometown Heroes VHS and DVD, The Best of Constantinos VHS, and The Complete Second Season box set.
* This is the first episode in the series to play Buffalo Gals.
* An Aesop:
	+ Don't judge a book by its cover.
	+ Discipline, while important in life, should not be overdone.
* Stanley's name is listed in the episode's credits, despite the fact that he never speaks in the actual episode.
	+ Despite not appearing, Dallas is also listed in the episode's credits.
* **Credits:** Constantinos' makeover.

## Transcript

(In the apartment's hallways, Constantinos is holding onto a handheld mirror. He puts on a tie and looks at his reflection)

**Joey:**(offscreen) HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY TIE?!

(Constantinos looks to his right in shock. Joey sarcastically clears his throat)

**Joey:**(snatches his tie from him) GIVE ME THAT! (puts on the tie) Only that tie goes to the best Backgammon player here. Play dress-up all ya want, Constantinos, but I need this for my Backgammon meeting with Four Eyes that's on every third Saturday night. You will never have what it takes to be the man I am.

**Constantinos:** Oh yeah? The Breaults want me to babysit for Sierra while they're away. Which, ipso facto, *does* make me a man! (snaps his fingers and storms off)

**Joey:**Heh. Well, ipso facto, you're gonna ipso FAILO! (laughs and snaps his fingers as well, but then they twist into knots, and he winces in pain)

(Constantinos walks down the hallway, only to bump into Mr. Rattlebag)

**Constantinos:**(gasps) Oh...uhh, hi, Mr. Rattlebag. How's your wife doing?

**Mr. Rattlebag:**How many times must I remind you? I'm divorced. So stop trying to make small talk each time I go to remind you of your rent.

(Constantinos gulps)

**Mr. Rattlebag:**Now listen, it's almost the first day of March, and you know what the first days of months mean.

**Constantinos:**(nervously chuckles) It means rent! I gotta pay rent! (nervously chuckles again) Yeah, don't worry, I was getting RIGHT on that.

**Mr. Rattlebag:**Constantinos, each time you tell me you will pay your rent "soon", well..."soon" never comes. In fact, "soon" is filling up my planner! (takes it out)

(Mr. Rattlebag flips through the previous six months. Each first day has "Soon" written on it)

**Mr. Rattlebag:**And if "soon" doesn't come soon any time sooner, I'll be sure to kick your butt out sooner than you can say "soon"! (walks away)

**Constantinos:**Could you repeat that again?

(Cut to Bill applying aftershave on his face)

**Whitney:**(offscreen) Bill, are you sure this trip is in a state you're NOT banned in?

(Bill takes a glimpse at a map of the United States. 44 of them are crossed out)

**Bill:**Hmmm... (points at Nevada) Yup. Good thing I snatched a 6-star hotel room at a discount.

(Camera immediately cuts to the hotel's sign. The sixth star falls off of it)

(Constantinos knocks on the door)

**Bill:**(opens it) Oh, it's...what's your name?

**Constantinos:**Constantinos. Here to babysit Sierra, mister.

**Bill:**Mmmm, are you sure? Nobody who's babysat for us before has ever lived to tell the tale! And anyone who's known me for five seconds knows I'm no insurance company.

**Constantinos:**Not to worry. High school has given me the worst pain imaginable - I know I can handle it.

**Bill:**Ok, but just know I'm not payi-

**Constantinos:**(pushes Bill and Whitney out of the penthouse) Not warning me any further! Gotcha, well, you have a good trip. Bye! (closes the door)

(Suddenly, we hear stomping. Sierra emerges from the dark hallway)

**Constantinos:**Jeez, this place is dim.

**Sierra:**Listen here, bub. When it comes to babysitting me, everything is MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY!

**Constantinos:**(under his breath) Yeah, I'd prefer the highway. (clears his throat) So, Sierra, what would you like to do first?

**Sierra:**(grins as she writes something down on a sheet of paper) Oh, my name isn't Sierra. Daddy had it changed yesterday.

**Constantinos:**Oh, uhh...ok. (grabs the paper) Thank you. (reads it) Anita Life.

(Sierra giggles)

**Constantinos:**Whaddya say? Anita Life?

**Sierra:**You sure do! (bursts into laughter)

**Constantinos:**Oh, NOW I get it. (rips the paper apart) Well, thanks for nothing.

**Sierra:**Don't mention it, doofus. Now join my tea party! (takes out a sparkling tiara and dress) You're gonna need to dress appropriately.

**Constantinos:**Bleh, forget it. I can see what your dad said about you now.

**Sierra:**Well, YOU KNOW MY MOTTO! (points to a plaque above the fireplace that reads "Everything is My Way or the Highway - Sierra B." Afterwards, she sucks in a huge breath of air and holds it in)

**Constantinos:**Wait! Stop it!

(She turns red, and then purple)

**Constantinos:**DON'T BLOW UP! (tears roll down Sierra's face) AAH! SHE'S LEAKING! (he shivers in fright) Fine, I'll wear the dang-

**Sierra:**(immediately zooms in with his outfit) Here ya go!

(Camera transitions to the tea party)

**Constantinos:**Uhh, are you sure about this? You could break a nail with that cup, or end up choking on the tea, or you could accidentally fall on your back with chairs like these.

**Sierra:**For a babysitter, you really *are*the baby here. NOW SIP!

(Constantinos sobs as he sips the empty cup)

**Sierra:**(calms down within a nanosecond) So how does my world-renowned homemade tea taste?

**Constantinos:**Like air.

(Sierra suddenly has a nail bat in her hands)

**Sierra:**You wanna say that again?

**Constantinos:**(cries harder) I MEANT IT TASTES GREAT!

(Later, Sierra is watching TV, where it's playing live-action stock footage of a goldfish swimming around in a bowl, but then Constantinos pulls the plug)

**Sierra:**HEY!

**Constantinos:**Mom always told me TV rots a young kid's mind.

**Sierra:**But it's a common pastime in this country! And there is no scientific correlation between television and brain damage!

**Constantinos:**That's just fancy talk for you Americans. (he grabs a top hat and a magician wand from out of nowhere) And besides, there's better things to do. Like magic tricks!

**Sierra:**I have an idea. Why don't YOU disappear?

(Constantinos frowns, and suddenly, he vanishes from existence. Sierra laughs)

(Soon enough, both are in the penthouse's gym)

**Constantinos:**Alright, Sierra, how does a simple game of tennis sound? This oughta get our blood flowing. Why don't you serve first?

**Sierra:**Uh, we don't have a ball...

**Constantinos:**Oh, come now, there has to be a ball around here somewhere. (he extends his eyes to search around)

**Sierra:**I SEE ONE!!!!

**Constantinos:**(his eyes widen) Huh?!

(Sierra smacks Constantinos' eye around, and she does the same with his other one. Rinse and repeat for several seconds)

**Sierra:**Thank you for "keeping your eye on the ball", loser!

(Later that evening, Constantinos is resting on a recliner. His eyes are bloodshot. Suddenly, Sierra tightly tugs on his collar, choking him)

**Sierra:**I NEED SOME GRUB!

**Constantinos:**Ok, I'll call for some pizza then. (grabs a phone, but Sierra smashes it to pieces, startling him)

**Sierra:**Dad said NO PIZZA!

**Constantinos:**Jeez, he must be insane. Uhh, you want me to cook something, then?

(Sierra takes out a long list)

**Constantinos:**(to the audience) I should've known.

(After reading through the list, he gets annoyed)

**Constantinos:**So YOU want ME to serve you PB&J sandwiches with the crusts cut off, macaroni and cheese cooked for approximately 1 hour 15 minutes & 37 seconds, carrot sticks arranged from smallest to largest, four snickerdoodle cookies ***AND***a box of apple juice?!

(Sierra grins and nods)

(Camera immediately cuts to Constantinos cutting the crusts off pieces of bread, only to accidentally cut off flesh from his finger, which causes him to scream so loud that the sun shatters. We then see him dumping macaroni into a boiling pan and putting cheese into it)

(Then, he runs all the way to Buford's farm to grab some carrots, but is immediately greeted by Buford holding a shotgun)

(Back at the penthouse, Constantinos returns, with his eyeballs in his mouth, which implies he got shot)

(He carefully places the carrots in order from smallest to largest. He looks into the cookie jar, but there's only chocolate chip. He shrugs and puts four of them on the plate. He pours some apple juice into a cup and serves the meal to Sierra)

**Constantinos:**(sarcastically) Bon appetit, Your Majesty.

**Sierra:**(prepares to eat, but then stops) No. No. You can't be this dumb. Oh, no. No no no no no no no no no no no no no.

**Constantinos:**What's wrong with it?!

**Sierra:**(tastes the macaroni and cheese) You only cooked this by a minute off, (tastes one of the sandwiches) the PB&J isn't a Partial Foods brand, the middle carrot stick is a few inches away from being taller than the first so therefore it must be re-arranged, you didn't give me SNICKERDOODLE cookies...

(Constantinos is seen shivering in fright. He gets so scared that he shrinks)

**Sierra:**...***AND***I PREFER BOXED APPLE JUICE!!!!!

**Constantinos:**(nervously) Well, for one, we don't have snickerdoodle. I didn't know someone could hate chocolate chip so much.

**Sierra:**Well, maybe I'm allergic! YOU COULD'VE KILLED ME!!!!!

**Constantinos:**Are you actually?

**Sierra:**No.

**Constantinos:**And, you didn't specify you wanted boxed apple juice.

**Sierra:**WELL, NOW YOU KNOW!!!!!!

(Constantinos takes off in fright, but then Sierra tackles him by the legs and drags him away as he screams. He is now tied to a chair)

**Sierra:**You listen to me - you better cook the macaroni and cheese a minute ahead this time, ***RIGHT NOW!!!!!***

**Constantinos:**(sobs) Well, it's kinda hard doing that if you have me tied up!

**Sierra:**That's too bad. Fortunately, I have ways of (takes out a noose) MAKING YOU!

(Suddenly, it turns out she only intended on using the noose to tighten some loose cables)

**Sierra:**I was gonna make you fix these, on second thought.

**Constantinos:**(gasps) My hands! They're free. (he unties himself as he faces the audience) I don't know why TV characters never acknowledge this more often.

(He starts walking away)

**Sierra:**And where do you think YOU'RE going?!

**Constantinos:**Uhh...getting your apple juice. (dashes off)

(Edward and Joey are seen playing Backgammon)

**Joey:**Stop getting the higher number!

**Edward:**Not to fret, Joey, this is all a game of chance, and skill.

(Constantinos walks up to them)

**Edward:**Hi, Constantinos! Would you like to join?

**Joey:**(bursts into laughter) If it isn't Ipso Dipso Babysitter Constantinos! What's wrong, Noodle Arms? Little Miss Perfect have your colorful skirt in a twist?

**Constantinos:**I don't know what's wrong with me. Nothing I do works; Sierra will never listen to me. Well, if Dallas is at an arm wrestling competition with Wyatt...I never thought I'd say this, Joey...but do you have words of advice?

**Joey:**Let's see...words of advice, words of advice... (clicks his tongue) words of advice... A-ha! Care less and be indifferent. Open hostility never hurts. And don't forget my motto-

**Constantinos:**You have one too?!

(Joey pulls down his shirt's sleeve to reveal a temporary tattoo)

**Joey:**(reads it off) "If It's Not Fair, Then I Don't Care"!

**Edward:**Joey, that's not very good advice.

**Joey:**Indeed, Four Eyes. But if it's not fair, I don't care.

(That night, Constantinos is sleeping in Bill and Whitney's bedroom)

**Constantinos:**Oh, I don't know. Joey's philosophy is not right. There has to be a way Sierra can respond to me - apart from talking to myself like a maniac.

(He walks up to Whitney's mirror, where he spots lipstick. He looks at it, and the camera fades to the next morning, where Sierra is poking a sleeping Chester with a stick)

**Constantinos:**(offscreen) Good morning, Miss Breault.

(The camera focuses on him, and he is seen wearing a purple sweater with a unicorn and a rainbow on it. He takes a sip of tea)

**Constantinos:**(calmly) I had it all wrong yesterday. (takes another sip, and tries to hide in his disgust towards the tea) I now understand you. You're all about makeovers. (takes yet another sip; in his mind) How do the British enjoy this?!

**Sierra:**(grins) You're right - I AM gaga for makeovers. Why don't we do one now, in fact?

(Cut to Edward and Joey playing another game - chess)

**Edward:** Sorry, Joey, you're not supposed to sandbag.

**Joey:** Would you KNOCK IT OFF?! I know what I'm doing.

(Constantinos walks up to both)

**Constantinos:** Uh, Joey?

(Joey screams bloody murder as we get a panning shot of Constantinos dressed in a pink wig, red lipstick, a blue dress, and purple high heels)

**Joey:** (shivering in fear) Constantinos, what has she done to you?! (leans in) That's still you, isn't it?!

**Constantinos:** It's no use, Joey. I'm just a play thing to Sierra.

**Joey:** Constantinos, you can't let her do this to you. You need to enforce respect, preferably by punching her! Always works on little kids. And remember my motto, (zips down his jacket, revealing a shirt reading...) "If It's Not Fair, Then I Don't Care!"

**Constantinos:** I'm having a hard time believing that. (leaves)

**Joey:** Fine, believe what ya want, toots. Hey, you look good in pink! (laughs)

(At the entrance of the Breault penthouse, Constantinos tries to open the door)

**Constantinos:** Locked?! Ohh... (searches his pockets) Keys, keys, keys... DARN THESE POCKETLESS DRESSES! (removes the wig in frustration) Better squeeze in.

(He squeezes through a window, and the camera transitions to Bill and Whitney's bedroom. He mindlessly strolls around, until he sees portraits of Bill)

**Constantinos:** Mr. Breault is a real authority nut. (the camera briefly focuses on a glass display of a paddle, with a golden plaque above reading "You're Not Tough Enough Until You Do it Right") Heheheheh. Yeah, give it to 'em, Mr. Breault. Sierra needs a good kick in the-

(A horse neighing sound effect immediately plays as he gets an idea)

**Constantinos:** Hey! (puts his hands together) That's it.

(He takes out a sergeant hat and puts it on)

**Constantinos:** Line 'em up.

(Cut to a time card)

**The Narrator:** Later that day...

(Sierra is watching TV again, but just like last time, Constantinos turns it off)

**Constantinos:** TEN HUT! (walks around back and forth) You maggot! You have had it soft and easy here up 'till now. I'm gonna have to break your spirits, and reBUILD your character! For that, I have constructed a soul-crushing obstacle course. (we see a panning shot of it, which contains the following) Rubber duck tubes, (a tiny set of stairs) stair climb, maple, and a bell you must ring! (puts his arms behind his back) Now now, don't worry. I wouldn't ask a youngster something *I* wouldn't do.

**Sierra:** But Mr. Gargano, I already have an obstacle course of my own.

(We see a far more dangerous obstacle course, which contains an ice cold pool of sharks, an electric fence, rings of fire, and barbed wire)

**Sierra:** Sorry I couldn't inform you on time. (Constantinos is shivering in terror) But you already said you wouldn't do something I wouldn't do... right?

(Constantinos jumps into the pool with floaties, but he gets bitten everywhere. He screams bloody murder and he quickly leaps out. However, he ends up landing on the electric fence, where he gets zapped until his entire skin becomes burnt. He drops to the ground on the back end of the fence, but then a spring-loaded boxing glove pops out of nowhere and whacks him through the fire rings, where he barely avoids getting roasted into a crisp. He screams louder than ever as he's sent flying through the pile of barbed wire. Sierra covers her eyes, but when there's a beat, she uncovers them. Once Constantinos lets out one last scream, she covers them again)

**Sierra:** (cringing) Ohhh...

**Constantinos:** (rubs his bruised ribs) That's it. I'm through. (sniffles) OH, I'M A FAILURE! JOEY WAS RIGHT! (cries) NO! STOP LOOKING AT ME! I'M HIDEOUS! (cries more)

(Sierra covers her eyes again, only to uncover them)

(Constantinos sobs harder, with his eyes functioning like a water sprinkler. He collapses into his pool of tears and drags himself away, sniffling)

(Sometime later, Sierra is in her bedroom, sulking)

**Sierra:** (sighs and starts writing in her diary; voiceover) I'm starting to feel bad about how I treated that one babysitter - I forgot his name. Connor? Cory? Colin? Constantinos? Yeah, Constantinos - I think. I never thought Stanley's loser friends had feelings, but I owe him an apology.

(Constantinos breaks the door open, and he has a unibrow that's exactly identical to Joey's)

**Constantinos:** Listen here, you little brat. I'm just gonna say that today is Leave Your Babysitter Alone Day. Have a happy. (slams the door)

(Cut to the penthouse's radio room, where he plays an opera song over the intercom)

**Constantinos:** (closes his eyes) Ahh. Dreams of a Sierra-free winter.

(We hear the door opening)

**Sierra:** Um, Mr. Gargano?

**Constantinos:** (stern) Leave Your Babysitter Alone Day.

**Sierra:** (takes out a plate of brownies) But I made you some brownies.

**Constantinos:** How stupid do you think I am? You don't think I know about poisoning?

**Sierra:** (sadly) It's just my way of saying-

(He eats the entire plate, including the plate itself)

**Sierra:** -sorry?

**Constantinos:** (burps so loud that it sends Sierra crashing into the wall, creating an imprint in the shape of her body) Thanks, but no thanks. I've had better tasting grub at a soup kitchen.

**Sierra:** (stars circle her head) Mr. Gargano? With your permission, can I go to the playground with you?

**Constantinos:** (ponders, and then he grins with razor sharp teeth) Ohhhhh. (grins wickedly) Excellent idea!

(Cut to Lakeside City Park's playground, where he has her tied to a tetherball set with the tetherball's rope)

**Constantinos:** What else do you want me for? Huh? You want some friends to play?! Well, I better hope Anita Life will arrive! I don't wanna keep ya waiting. It's a LONG trip from here and back to the apartment! (walks away)

**Sierra:** (worried) But Mr. Gargano! It's so cold out here!

**Constantinos:** IF IT'S NOT FAIR, THEN I DON'T CARE!

(We see a wide shot of the playground)

**Sierra:** (sighs) I guess I deserved this.

(Back at the penthouse, Constantinos is relaxing in a recliner. Outside, however, we see a snowstorm beginning)

**B. Roadcast:** (through the TV) This is an emergency announcement! A severe snowstorm will be heading into the vicinity of Lakeside CIty, right about...

(Snow falls through the ceiling and lands on Constantinos)

**Constantinos:** GAH! WHAT THE HECK?! (he looks above and sees an intense amount of snow falling in) Huh? Giant snowstorm? (an icicle hits his head. He yelps in pain, but then he gasps and picks it up) I...I... (he looks at his own reflection on the icicle, which fades into Joey's) I've, become...JOEY!!!!

(He spins his head around, which turns his face back to normal. He hears Sierra faintly screaming. Then, he runs so fast that he leaves a sonic boom behind)

**Constantinos:** (dashing into the playground) I'M COMING, SIERRA!!!!

(He jumps into an increasing, 8-foot pile of snow. His eyeballs stick out, resembling submarine telescopes, and he heads over to Sierra. He extends his tongue to use it as a slingshot, setting it against the tetherball set and a slide - at least whatever's left of them. He catapults her into an open window at the penthouse, but then he screams once more piles of snow land on him)

(After the snowstorm dies down, he is unconscious. Sierra runs to him)

**Sierra:** Oh no! Constantinos! CONSTANTINOS! (she kneels down near him) Can you speak to me?!

**Constantinos:** Tell me... (coughs) what, do I look like?

**Sierra:** Well, you are pretty...pretty ugly.

(Constantinos frowns)

**Sierra:** But you also look like...MY HERO! Hooray for Constantinos! (picks him up) The greatest babysitter ever!

(Camera transitions to the Breaults and Wyatt returning to the penthouse)

**Whitney:** Yoo-hoo! Sierra! We're back!

(The door opens)

**Whitney:** Hmm, where is she?

**Bill:** Ugh, I knew this would've turned into a murder.

**Wyatt:** Wait. (we hear something) Do you hear that?

**Sierra:** (offscreen) Go Constantinos! Go Constantinos!

(The source of the noise is coming from the penthouse's gym, where Sierra and Constantinos are happily playing with a jump rope. Constantinos is the one jumping)

**Sierra:** Go Constantinos! Go Constantinos! Go Constantinos!

**Constantinos:** (clapping in rhythm) Go me! Don't be a quitter! Go me! Don't be a quitter! (jumps into the air, and the camera freeze-frames on him) GO, BABYSITTER!

(Iris out)

("The End" screen)

(Episode ends)

(Credits scene begins with Constantinos in the penthouse's saloon)

**Sierra:** Why don't we start (snaps Constantinos' neck down to the sink) with the shampoo? (she harshly applies some to him, and then she cranks the water at its maximum temperature)

**Constantinos:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

(Beat. She turns the water back on)

**Constantinos:** AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! HOTHOTHOT!!!!!!

(Sierra takes out an oversized hairdryer and blows it in front of Constantinos' face. His entire head crinkles and shatters into pieces)

(Closing logos)