recursal/Fanatic-Fandom huggingface dataset:
Best Friends Eternally (GAM397)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Best Friends Eternally*** is the story of Donald James Parker winning arguments with himself in the shower, and then making his local church group reenact each and every one—just like, in a different room each time—for two hours.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because what the fuck else are we gonna do?

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love the cinematic masterpieces of *Gramps Goes to College* and *The Unexpected Bar Mitzvah*, but you wish there was more about Donald James Parker's raw pulsating sexual appeal, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …pastor. [A very high bar, yet this movie has two that it might apply to.]
* Noah: …chess. [Highly triggering for Heath, and a perfect analogy for this movie's arguments.]
* Eli: …suicide attempt. [Might as well be a blunderbuss or a canon.]

### **Notes**

* Previous GAM reviews in the Parkerverse include *In Gramps' Shoes*, *Gramps Goes to College*, *The Unexpected Bar Mitzvah*, *Love Waits*, and *Hearts are Trump*. This is the first of Parker's *Best Friends* trilogy, followed by *Best Friends Recycled* and *Best Friends Genetically Modified*.

### **Jokes**

* [Noah: But, during this—so, the fifth time I rewound it, I did catch that the conversation was about whether you could get to heaven through grace alone or by good works. That was the conversation they were having.] [Eli: Booooo!] [Heath: Yeah, no.] [Heath: Okay, I don't care. I was watching Eli park, in chess. I was so mad. It was like watching two Elis park *against* each other in some kind of *terrifying* competition made to trigger me. Horrible.]

### **Interstitials**

* Donald Writes Another Movie (6:48)
* Donald Can't Do Impressions (39:51)
* Donald Complains About Kids These Days (1:16:00)
* Outtakes (1:56:45) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Nothing Happens
* This is YOUR Movie!
* RACISM!

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: A whole bunch of widows and orphans went on to say "No thank-you. No… thank you. Please." It was really awkward.
* Noah: Madison went on to learn things from teachers, and stopped being an idiot.
* Eli: These characters star in *two* more Donald James Parker movies.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Hello Fresh: [CODE:AWFUL60] A Place to Bury These Dishes (1:59:30)
* Better Help: Tony D's House of Weird Things in Your Therapist's Office that Kind of Ruin Therapy (2:01:17)
Old Fashioned (GAM084)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***Old Fashioned*** is the story of a religious hermit and an abuse victim finding love based on… *not* the Bible.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because Eli really needs a job he can do alone in a room.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love romantic comedies, but you are in desperate emergent need of mental healthcare, you will *love* this movie. These people need serious help.

### **Best Worst**

* Eli: ... unacknowledged mental illness.
* Noah: ... proposal practicality.

### **Notes**

* Heath is still on the fuck tour.
* Biggest opening box office for a faith based movie opening on fewer than three hundred screens.

### **Interstitials**

* "That's not old fashioned, that's fuckin' nuts." (5:19)
* Supermarket Marriage Proposal Logistics(1:13:43)

### **Tropes**

* Addicted to Porn
* Minority Best Friend
* Pearl Clutching
* Reprehensible Moral Message
* Vaguely Heard of Jesus
* SEXISM!

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Trailer on YouTube
* Film on YouTube
* IMDB
Accidental Activist (GAM048)

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Accidental Activist*** is, allegedly, a homophobic Christian movie about Steve Anderson's t-shirt guy. And, um, also about the gay community and how they're always persecuting Christians into living in a society that doesn't not let homosexuals do stuff, but they manage to deliver that message so goddamn badly that I'm still not sure this wasn't a pro-gay movie. So, we might have actually watched *Accidental Gay Activist*—I'm not sure.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because religion already called self-flagellation.

### **How Bad Was It?**

* Well, if you ever thought "Damn, where is the feel-good movie about the KKK's side of the story?", then this is it. It's American History X-cept for the Gays.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …hour long demonstration of Poe's Law. [That's just the movie ]
* Ari: …convincing me that the main characters actually believe in their own religion. []
* Eli: …gay face. [Both incredibly offensive and amazing ]
* Callie: …editing. [It's no *Leap* or *The Lock-In*, but pretty bad.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Callie and Ari on the *Gaytheist Manifesto* podcast or the associated blog on *Patheos*. Or you would have, in 2016—these days, check out Callie on the *Queersplaining* podcast and check out Ari on *The Cis are Getting Out of Hand!* podcast.
* The production company, the American Family Association, is an SPLC recognized hate group. The Spruce Grove church in Alberta, Canada that is apparently the basis for the movie had their sign opposing Bill 10 (which mandates that schools allow students to form gay-straight alliances) "vandalized" with "protect LGBTQ kids and end bigotry."

### **Jokes**

* [Callie: Best protest signs ever, worst protest slogans ever.] [Eli: Ooo.] [Heath: Terrible.] [Callie: Because the signs are fantastic. The hand—like, the like, three-year-old hand-painted the signs.] [Ari: Yeah, I paused it at one point, and I could see four signs and they were clearly written by two separate eight-year-olds. I mean, they had decent slogans; like, they said, like, you know "Bigot" and "God hates bigots", but I was I was really disappointed that the signs didn't say "Christianity is stupid, Communism is good."]

### **Interstitials**

* *OKKK Cupid* (8:24)
* Gay Newspaper Meeting (56:28)

### **Tropes**

* Behind on the Rent
* Conspicuous American Flag
* Crazy Billionaire Money
* Dollar in the Swear Jar
* HOMOPHOBIA!
* Jingly Keys!
* Looks Like…
* Magical Black Person
* Minority Best Friend
* Persecuted Christians
* RACISM!
* Reprehensible Moral Message
* This is YOUR Movie

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Ted Murphy got offered a million dollars and a mansion for a butt-sex t-shirt. His family remains broke and homeless.
* Noah: Brian Fisher wished he had used more lotion.
* Eli: Ron died in the Pulse shooting.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb
God's Not Dead (GAM054)

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

***God's Not Dead*** is a movie stolen from Kelly Calberg and her screenplay called *Rise*, which means it's about a Christian student at Harvard being lynched by atheists.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because an easy life will make you soft.

### **How Bad Was It?**

This movie is only half as smug… as Kevin Sorbo the professor who
walks around smug as shit the entire movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …African character. ["Never stop smiling."]
* Noah: …formulating an argument other than "you are." [Doody head.]
* Cecil: …reverend with the whitest hands. [Bleached.]
* Tom: …depiction of a college experience. [By people who have never gone.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Tom and Cecil on *Cognitive Dissonance* and GAM sister show *Citation Needed*.
* This was originally one of the pre-GAM reviews on *Scathing Athiest* episode 59, "God Isn't Not Undead Edition." So, despite Anna and him being on their honeymoon in Greece during this recording, he *has* reviewed this movie.

### **Jokes**

* [Tom: Yeah, because the answer—the answer to "Why does *he* get a good life?" is "Because sometimes the devil gives people a really good life."] [Heath: "And…] [Noah: Thats—] [Laughter] [Heath: Ah, I thought we were going to cut before I got to the end of that. I thought we were going to cut it. The Devil sometimes…] [Cecil: That is kind of where it stops, isn't it. It's just like "And so… they have a good life."] [Tom: Yeah, man. It's like, okay yeah, sign me up Devil! Like, where you at bro? I'll take one of the "very good lifes" you have.]

### **Interstitials**

* *An Argument I'm Pretty Sure I Won on Facebook*: The Movie (9:59)
* *Philosophy Discussions as Imagined by an Uneducated Christian Hick* (1:33:49)
* Valid Complaints About Atheist Professor (1:34:05)
* *Philosophy Discussions as Imagined by an Uneducated Christian Hick*, Part 2 (1:35:19)
* Outtakes (25:46) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Alcohol= Bad Guy
* Atheist Converts to Christianity
* Boss in a Bit Part
* Cancer Wife/God Killed My Mom/Evil Stole My Faith
* Deathbed Conversion
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* Heroes are Villains, Villains are Heroes
* Jingly Keys!
* Make Me a Sammich!
* Minority Best Friend
* Not Christian Enough
* Persecuted Christians
* Problem of Evil
* This is YOUR Movie
* Reprehensible Moral Message
* See You In Court

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Kevin Sorbo went on to play the voice of Retro Hercules in the video game called *Smite*, a gay pirate fight club promoter in *Revelation Road: The Black Rider*, and "Mayor Burman" in *Piranna Sharks*.
* Noah: Anna was mortified when she found out why Eli insisted that their honeymoon have a stop off in Greece.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDb
Prayer Never Fails (GAM335)

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Prayer Never Fails*** is the story of of a mouth-breathing basketball coach who loves Jesus, his gambling-addict lawyer who also loves Jesus, the lawyer's long lost twin-sister who owns an antique shop and may or may not be murdered by a bookie come to collect, an abusive judge (not the judge of the attempted courtroom drama, just some other random judge), a different judge who owns three books, a lawyer who has actually read case-law and hates kidding losing and is really good at negotiations, a principal who misallocates funds (you have to just take our word for that), and a woman who is addicted to plastic surgery who's dying of cancer who let her ten-year-old son range a murder rap for what *clearly* would have been a self-defense case.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because

### **Best Worst**

* Cara: ...movie.
* Heath: …montages. [Only technically montages.]
* Eli: ...reveal. [The unsealing.]

### **Notes**

* Noah is, sadly, out with Covid. As the closest approximation, Cara will be assuming his identity, so check her out on her website, Twitter, *Talk Nerdy*, *The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe*, *Fixed That for You*, and (thanks to Eli) iLoveSkinBooks.com.
* As you might have expected, the film was shown first in churches, premiering at Life Church in Escondido, CA on 22 January 2016, before eventually premiering on 12 February 2016 (showing alongside such films as *Deadpool* and *The 5th Wave*). Nick Lashaway died in a car crash on 8 May 2016, a few months before the DVD release.

### **Jokes**

* (48:28)
* (1:07:22)

### **Interstitials**

* Recruiting Cara as the New Noah (6:09)
* School Policy Against Prayer (37:15)
* Motion for Rubber/Glue (1:08:12)
* Eli Gets Distracted, Cara Spits Coffee (1:52:21) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Bad Sportsing
* RACISM!
* Who's That Girl?

###  **Close**

* Cara: Prayer failed.
* God went on to keep creating abusive dads, because he likes to be needed.
* Eli: We fight. We fight? We fight. We fight.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* Film on YouTubei
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* TrueBill: BigBootyLickers.com (1:58:33)
* Better Help: A Plot to Steal the Water in Your Body (1:55:10)
* Hello Fresh: [CODE: AWFUL16] Ghost of Christmas Futuring Cara (1:57:29)
The Book of Mormon Movie, Volume 1: The Journey (GAM044)

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***The Book of Mormon Movie, Volume One: The Journey*** is the story of how the good Jewish people became Mormons, and also… how negro heathens were invented. It's basically *Birth of a Nation of Islam*, told by Mormons.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because if you can't make the lambs stop screaming, you can at least make them sound better than something.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if your favorite part of *The Adventures of Hercules* was the costumes, your favorite part of porn is the dialogue, and your favorite part of *Harry Potter* is the magic spells, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …ancient nomadic facial hair grooming. [Sheriff of Nottingham.]
* Mark: …cinematic combination of jaw-dropping racism, yawning tedium, and characters who cannot stop making the same mistakes every two minutes. [That's just accurate.]
* Eli: …self-defeating opening line. [Who will ever believe me?]
* Dan: .. attempt at making the Book of Mormon plausible. [Less than The Book of Mormon Musical.]

### **Notes**

* Heath had to be cut from this episode after the first interstitial because of audio issues with his new recording setup. Tragic, because it was the funniest material he's ever done or ever will do.
* The film is based on the first two bookS (First and Second Nephi), which was bad news for the PiaT crew's readthrough of The Book of Mormon (aka "Chloroform in Print').

### **Jokes**

* [Dan: By the way, listening to you guys try to make it through *Saturday's Warrior* with David Michael was fucking amazing. You were so out of your depth—you guys were like three nine-year-olds that accidentally watched their dad's hidden VHS copy of like *Salò, or the 120 Years of Sodom*, and were like, frantically trying to make sense of the confusing hell that they experienced. Oh my God, you were so lost—it was beautiful.] [Eli: Who read my diary?]

* Fat Camel (47:20)

### **Interstitials**

* The Mormons Pitch Mr. Paramount (10:01)
* Housing Announcements (NYC Live Show, QED Live Show] (12:52)
* Nephi Obeys God Too Easily (1:22:33)

### **Tropes**

* Brian (Fuck You)
* Deathbed Proselytising
* Looks Like…
* Mormons Don't Know How the World Works
* Name That Movie
* The Eli Bosnick Story

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Laman's family went on to be successful casino owners, who made Donald Trump look extra stupid.
* Noah: Everyone fucked their cousins, nieces, and nephews. Forever. How did they not have a problem with that?
* Eli: Mark gave Eli all of those phone numbers. *All* of those phone numbers.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* [Film on YouTube]
* IMDb
Soul Man (GAM Bonus 039)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Soul Man*** is the story of C. Thomas Howell wearing black face to get a scholarship to Harvard Law School, and all of the comedy shenanigans that accompany that amazing premise. Let me try that again: we watched *Stay White, Ponyboy* starring Clarence Thomas Howell.

### **Opening Phrase:**

Where each month we sample another selection from secular cinema, because if we only wanted to suffer once a week, we could just be a Christian.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you're the governor of Virginia, and you feel like someone should tell your side of the goddamn story, you will *love* this movie. There's… everything about this movie is a frozen chrysalis of "Why?"

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: ...understanding of deaf versus blind.
* Noah: ...decision of James Earl Jones' career.
* Eli: ...lesson learned.

### **Notes**

* Features Noah and Heath's advice for selling drugs.

### **Jokes**

* "So we get a cop falling them around for a little while, and then eventually the cop pulls them over for being black. But, dammit if his driver's license doesn't say he's white, so now he's gonna to go to jail for not having his driver's license. And get beaten up by people who call him a slur. Classic! [Oh, a slur? You mean the literal n-word that they say all the way out.] 'And then they beat him up, because… because he's black!', said someone in the writer's room; 'Yes!' said another fully grown adult, who is still alive today and not in prison. And keep in mind, this is not the turning point or anything—this is played for laughs!" (1:02:27)

### **Interstitials**

* We have administers the tests of the entertainments to the humans of Earth." (7:01)
* A very special offer from James Earl Jones and Melora Diane Hardin (1:10:13)

### **Links**

* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube (Paid)
* IMDB
Lady Ballers (GAM434)

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

***Ladyballers*** is the story of protecting the sanctity of sports made by people who have never seen a sport [and are huge transphobes.]

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because it turns out having my fingers crossed isn't legally binding.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you like comedies that don't have a single joke, but you also love sports movies that don't have a single sport, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …comedy. [N/A.]
* Lydia: …casting and cameos. [Daily Wire Employees & Assorted Randos.]
* Noah: …video player. [Daily Wire+.]
* Thomas: …hate crime. [Up there with Matt Walsh's *Where is a Woman?*]

### **Notes**

* Check out Thomas and Lydia on *Where There's Woke*.
* While filming as "Coach Miracle" in Nashville, the production attempted to trick LGBTQ actors into participating.

### **Interstitials**

* Triggering the Libs (12:30)
* Woke Kindergarten (54:39)
* Exclusive Reporter (1:27:59)
* Outtakes (2:14:44) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Boss in a Bit Part
* ~~Christians~~ Bigots Don't Know How the World Works
* Everyone Hates Ted Cruz
* Sporting/Bad Sportsing
* SEXISM!
* TRANSPHOBIA!

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Lydia: After this movie I bought tickets to go see Tyler Fisher (who played Felix) in his comedy tour, because he's coming to Sacramento. Merry Christmas hon!
* Thomas: All the men in this movie went on to die of colon cancer because they thought someone putting something in their butt was gay.
* Heath: Ben Shapiro's wife told him a wet vagina was a disease, and he believed her.
* Noah: No one involved with this movie would ever go on to watch a sport.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* [Episode on YouTube]
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Aura Frames: [CODE: AWFUL] Godless Christmas Photos (2:16:23)
* FitBod: Typical Gym Experience (2:18:24)
* Better Help: Gift Etiquette Calibration (2:20:12)
Cats (GAM Bonus 043)

### Starring:

Jennifer Hudson, Judi Dench, Jason Derulo, Taylor Swift, Rebel Wilson, Robbie Fairchild, Idris Elba, Francesca Hayward, Ian McKellen, James Corden

### Production Company:

Working Title Films, Amblin Entertainment, Monumental Pictures, The Really Useful Group, Perfect World Pictures

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Cats: The Musical: The Movie*** is the story of a long string of nervous people trying to improvise a *Tinder* bio on the spot, except they're dressed as cats and they sing it instead of being people who talk that awful thing. Okay, I feel like I'm making it sound *good*, like a fun furry thing—no, it's a goddamn nightmare, except for Rebel Wilson.

### **Opening Phrase:**

Where each month we sample another selection from secular cinema, because if you reach a high enough level of trauma, your brain rewards you with amnesia.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love musicals, and you'd like to put at end to that love once and for all, you will love—this is the *Shock Therapy* of musicals. [See the extended explanation of why it's so bad before the first interstitial.]

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …not realizing that you shouldn't have cats wearing fur coats.
* Eli: ...result of so many good ingredients.
* Noah: ...didn't watch the movie.

### **Notes**

* This episode has by far the longest intro sequence (before the breakdown) of any GAM episode.
* Eli may be a prankster god, and your downloads fuel his slight power.

### **Interstitials**

* "And one can only imagine the situation under which it got made…" [Doodly-Doo] (9:48)
* Tom Hooper and the Fur Spark (Making More Furries) (23:14)
* "Everyone here had a named tape in Jeffrey Epstein's safe, so..." (53:00)

### **Links**

* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDB
Late One Night (GAM360)

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Late One Night*** (not to be confused with the album by Dan Diegal) is the story of a sociopath, who meets a psychopath in a diner, and they almost brawl.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you've always wondered what happens when the pathetic neediness of a sexual harasser meets the psychotic confidence of a street preacher, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Jess: …use of mid-twentieth century slang. ["You're a phony!]
* Heath: …Jesus Christ has a goatee. [Very 2001.]
* Eli: …response to the problem of evil. [See the end of the movie.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Jess on Twitter, the *Friendly Atheist Podcast*, *Cooper Dooper: A Twin Peaks Podcast for Regular People*, and her website.
* The short film was originally conceived of by Dave Christiano as a pilot for a series called *The Eternity Series* in 1991 while filming *Pamela's Prayer*, was eventually filmed in 2000 from 21 February to 4 March, and was released on 9/11 2001 (narrowly avoiding being the worst thing to happen that month).

### **Jokes**

* [Eli: Does Jesus go take a shit at this point in the movie?] [Heath: Yes!] [Jess: Oh, it had to be a number one. It had to be a number one.] [Heath: You think it was a one? Okay. I think it was a deuce.] [Jess: No… Jesus did not come down from heaven to take a shit in a terrible diner. Get your head on straight!] [Eli: Now I'm picturing him in the back of the car. God is driving and he's like, "Do you want to take a shit before you go down to the diner to save that guy's soul?" "No, I'm fine."] [Heath: "No, I'm fine."] [Jess: "Once you start going down to the diner and save that guy's soul you won't be able to stop."]

### **Interstitials**

* Writer's Room Meeting (6:45)
* Even Larry Doesn't Like Street Preachers (45:29)
* Street Preacher meets a Christian (1:11:14)
* Explaining the Five-Count (1:41:56) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Alcohol= Bad Guy
* Atheist Converts to Christianity
* Nothing Happens

"Offensive Friend

* Problem of Evil
* Reprehensible Moral Message
* Secret Jesus
* SEXISM!
* Who's That Girl?

### **Animal House Close**

* Jess: Larry got too close to an open flame and his synthetic wig went up like the Hindenburg, and now he's Vertical Two-Face, prowling the streets of this fake town and being aggressively unpleasant (but ultimately not physically violent) to peaceful citizens.
* Heath: Jesus of Nazareth went out to get a pack of cigarettes, and he hasn't been back for two-thousand years.
* Eli: The mysterious stranger tried to go across the street to Chick-fil-A for his second chicken sandwich, but ironically it was closed because it was Sunday.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Mint Mobile: Eli Bosnick, Meme Texter (1:43:12)
* Better Help: The Last Week has Been Especially Stressful (1:44:51)
* Raycon: (1:46:05)
Cutback (GAM301)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Cutback"*** is the story of a surfer who never once does a cutback (the surfing move) in any literal or metaphorical way.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because we never thought it would last this long.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you loved *Point Break*, but there was too much "acting" going on for you, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: ...movie poster.
* Noah: …scene introductions.
* Eli: ...last minute attempt to have a plot.

### **Notes**

* This week's episode is the Christian movie *Cutback* rather than the previously announced *Savior* (1998), because that is about the Bosnian genocide rather being than the terrible Muslim movie originally suggested by Heath, *The Message* (1976).
* Ortolan is a French dish (currently illegal) in which the songbirds were "captured alive, force-fed, then drowned in Armagnac [and then roasted whole and eaten that way, bones and all, while the diner draped his head with a linen napkin to preserve the precious aromas and, some believe, to hide from God."

### **Jokes**

* (11:38)
* (20:28)

### **Interstitials**

* My Dad Finally Agreed to Fund My Christian Movie! (6:58)
* Tony D's House of Movie Cops (35:28)
* The Cast, in Order of Taste (1:36:47) [Post Credits]
* Cancel Culture Anal Pun (1:39:33) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Bad Sporting
* Bible Reading Montage
* Name That Movie!
* Nothing Happens

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Film on Tubi
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Magic Spoon: [CODE: GAM] Adding Adult Prizes (1:41:30)
* Audible: Amazing News! (Nobody Died) (1:43:12)
* [1]: Trapping Big Cellphone Reps (1:45:13)
Father Stu (GAM349)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Father Stu*** is the story of an escalating series of terrible sad dark things happening to Mark Wahlberg, and somehow it's still bad.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because if we switch to biannual six-hour history lecture, you'd notice.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love conversations with your mom that start "You remember Debbie Howitzer's cousin's husband don't you? You used to play with their kid, at the lake, I think?", but you wish they ended with the suffering of the ill and the infirm as the best way to bring you to Jesus, you will love this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …motorcycle accident. [It's really fucking funny.]
* Noah: …elderly couple that was not ready for this many f-bombs. [44.]
* Eli: …fat suit for no reason. [And Eli has seen *Nutty Professor II: The Klumps*.]

### **Notes**

* Watched live, in-theater, in April 2022.
* A PG-13 version, *Father Stu Reborn*, was announced for a December 2022 release.

### **Interstitials**

* One Sentence (or Fewer) Movie Pitches to Marky Mark (6:13)
* Mel Gibson meets Marky Mark (28:30)
* Now I'm Gonna Be a Fuckin' Priest (53:39)

### **Tropes**

* Alcohol= Bad Guy
* Coincidence Treated like a Miracle
* Dissapointing Christian Celebrity
* Dollar in the Swear Jar
* Flashback to Shit We Just Watched
* Giving Someone a Book/Reading Montage
* GO FUCK YOURSELF!
* Name That Movie!
* Reprehensible Moral Message

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Mel Gibson continued evolving into the mascot for a segregated vodka company.
* Noah: Statistically speaking, at least two of the characters in this movie raped children
* Eli: Marky Mark has told several press outlets that he'll *only* be making religious films going forward. In unrelated news, Eli has two wishes left.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Trade Coffee: Typical Fancy Coffee Store (1:29:23)
* FitBod: Eli Walking a Balance Beam (1:31:19)
* Better Help: Fun Little Sketches, Songs, and Bits (1:33:11)
Science Falsely So Called (GAM178)

### Starring:

Matt Powell, Steven Anderson, Adam Fannin, Tom Coupil, Kent Hovind, Korbyn Brock

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Science Falsely So Called*** is the story of...

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema

### **Notes**

* Recorded (during a Cowboys game during the playoffs) live from 8:00–10:00 PM CST on 12 January 2019 at the Plaza Arts Center in Dallas, Texas.
* The DVD cover art appears to be based on Robert Gendler's image of the Andromeda galaxy.
* Check out the next Matt Powell GAM review *The Atheist Religion* as well as the *Skeptoid* episode about the *Freakylinks* pterosaur photo Matt fell for. Thanks for listening, Matt.

### **Tropes**

* Boss in a Bit Part
* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Name That Movie!
* Persecuted Christians
* This is YOUR Movie!

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb
Brother White (GAM007)

### Starring:

David A.R. White, Andrea Logan White, Victoria Jackson, Reginald VelJohnson, Bruce Davison, Ray Wise

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

### Special Guest

Nick Morgan-Moore

***Brother White*** is about a white pastor from Los Angeles who moves to a poor neighborhood in Atlanta, so he can save a bunch of black people from themselves. I'm ninety percent sure the original title was *Brother White Man's Burden*.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we blaspheme the shit out of another selection from Christian cinema in am effort to disprove religion from a simple lack of brimstone.

### **How Bad Was It?**

* Nick: This movie was so bad that if I could watch *The Human Centipede* on repeat for the rest of my life instead of ever talking about this movie with anyone, I would do that.
* Heath: I fell asleep watching this movie the other day, and when I woke up, Netflix had autoplayed *Birth of a Nation*. It's kinda like interracial porn if there was no sex, just great acting.
* Eli: I'd say it's definitely *more* racist than *Mein Kampf* 'cause Hitler was just sorta starting out. *War Room*-wise… I gotta say it think it might be more racist than *War Room*, because *War Room* is racist because you know it was written by white guys, but I think having a white character—or white characters—who react to black people with hatred and disgust puts a whole new spin on the racism thing.

### **Notes**

* Check out Nick on Twitter, or the *Imaginary Friends Show* and *The Atheist Apocalypse*.
* Created by David A.R. White.
* "Easy8" was "Kriminal" in *Do You Believe*, and is actually the hero of the movie.

### **Jokes**

* Christian Movie Bingo!
* This seems like a lot of organization for everyone playing pretend." (28:08)
* *The Sound of Music*, except instead of children, it's black people. (46:10)
* "When someone puts a traffic cone inside you, you end up talking this way." (1:01:50)
* "Oh no, they're beating me up! I hope they don't *rape* me! And he's just pulled his pants down and put himself into Child's Pose." (1:14:05)
* A concert in a church that can hold fifty people, charging forty dollars a person, is somehow raising ten thousand dollars. (2:03:25)
* Magical White Man (2:17:35)

### **Interstitials**

* Response to an iTunes review. (7:57)
* Senyo Amoaku's IMDB (2:01:20)
* Crazy Randy's Hats, Hats, Hats (2:04:04)

### **Tropes**

* Boss in a Bit Part
* Black Men Don't Have Names
* RACISM!
* Make Me a Sammich!
* Neglectful/Godless/Abusive Parent
* Atheist Writer in the Room
* Heroes are Villains, Villains are Heroes
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* Success is Bad!
* Behind on the Rent
* Awkward Kiss
* Bad Sportsing

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDB
Grace of God (GAM334)

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***Grace of God*** (not to be confused with *By the Grace of God* or *By God's Grace*) is the story of a church that has thirty thousand dollars of its money stolen, and then it's their deeply disinterested attempts at getting that back.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because that fortune cookie was *very* convincing.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love crime novels, but you've never read one longer than the ten commandments, plus you're pretty sure that atheism is just the audio of Noah trying to fix a computer, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Marsh: …music cues. [Out of nowhere.]
* Noah: …shoehorned costar. [Prologue cameo.]
* Eli: …unnecessarily ADR'd moment. [Check out 1:39:40.]

### **Notes**

* Check out Marsh on Twitter, *Be Reasonable*, *Skeptics with a K*, *The Skeptic* (UK), and at The Good Thinking Society, or (thanks to Eli) Skeptic of the Year and MarshStoleHisVaccineFromAnOldLady.com.
* Along with *[In the Name of God]* (2013) featuring Eric Roberts and John Ratzenberger, this film was originally intended to be part of a series (as speculated in the review) covering the ten commandments, making them *The Ten: Name in Vain* and *[The Ten: To Take]* respectively.

### **Interstitials**

* First Writer's Room Meeting (6:40)
* Don't Ask Any Questions (44:01)
* Bad at Bad Cop (1:16:37)
* Noah's Terrible Habit (1:58:51) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* This is YOUR Movie!

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Marsh: The thirty thousand dollars was finally deposited in the church bank account, before being immediately transferred to one of the church's many sexual abuse victims.
* Noah: The writer went on eventually to realize that he'd never resolved the abusive husband plotline.
* Eli: Police managed to escort John Ratzenberger from the movie set without any major injuries.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Master Class: Stopping Marsh from Making COVID Variants (2:02:53)
* Mint Mobile: British Cell Phone Carriers are Obviously Fake (2:04:41)
* Raycon: The Shake Test [Not About Eli's Baby] (2:06:03)
Image of the Beast (GAM014)

### Starring:

William Wellman Jr., Susan Plumb, Patty Dunning, Russell S. Doughten Jr., Wenda Shereos, Thom Rachford

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***Image of the Beast*** is the third film in the infamous *Thief in the Night* series. This is the post-apocalyptic story of a young mother trying her damndest to wrap her vag around the throbbing cock of an early eighties version of Paul Rudd, and him not getting the fucking hint. And also there's a cyborg Antichrist.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, so that we'll be happier to welcome death when it comes.

### **How Bad Was It?**

So, I gotta continue the metaphor that I used last week of Crazy Jerry, which is that—now we're into the—if you've ever had a friend who introduces someone as *crazy*, and you don't believe that they're crazy at first, and then they act crazy? This is that third stage where they show up to your house at four in the morning, and they can ask if they can park their bloody car in your garage. That's what this movie is. Every time I'm like, "Oh, okay. I get it, this movie's *crazy*", it becomes next level crazy: they do an entire movie about a poster that someone painted in their third grade class, and it takes it to the next level.

### **Notes**

* Third in the "Tribulation Saga", proceeded by *A Thief in the Night* and *A Distant Thunder*, and followed by *The Prodigal Planet*.
* Filmed on location in Iowa (in colour).
* Noah attempts to use synonyms for "exactly."

### **Jokes**

* "I'm. Heath. And. I'm. Definitely. Not. Dead. And it would be. Wrong. To. Suggest. I'm. Dead." (1:32)
* St. Jude's: that's my definition of morality. Just a whole wing of a hospital full of evidence that God doesn't exist—that's my morality right there—just a bunch of sick, sad kids. Patron saint of lost causes… they chose the patron saint of lost causes. Don't say the Catholics don't have a sense of humor." (47:08)
* A giant infected humanist body: The Eli Bosnick Story (52:52)
* "It's the mother fucking locusts! Because the shadow on the wall of the cave is very clearly a scorpion tail. They didn't have the budget to make people faced, lion teethed, crown wearing, scorpion locusts, butb there's very clearly a scorpion tail that stings Diane and she screams and she dies." (1:43:39)

### **Interstitials**

* Atheist Computer Prophecies (8:15) [Predicts Trump Presidency]
* *The Tribulation Pulling into the Station*, only on Pay Per View! (1:24:12)
* The Facilitating Administrator of Genocide in charge of the Believers Underground Movement Squad (1:24:42)

### **Tropes**

* A World Without Black or Brown People
* And Then the Apocalypse/Rapture Happens
* Vaguely Heard of Jesus
* Not Christian Enough
* Heroes are Villains, Villains are Heroes
* Persecuted Christians
* Computers/Technology is Evil
* Indoctrination of Children
* Dollar in the Sweat Jar
* The Eli Bosnick Story

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Film on YouTube
* IMDB
God and Salsa (GAM392)

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***God and Salsa*** is the story of a therapist, a suicidal teen, and an ugly divorce—oh, and the therapist sometimes goes to a dance class, but it will *literally* never fucking matter that she does that.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because it's too late to turn back now.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love post-tragedy redemption stories, but wish you could realize with slow and creeping terror that this is a thinly veiled excuse for an abusive dad post his divorce, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Marsh: …theme. [Deity+ Random Noun.]
* Noah: …scenes to transition straight to salsa dancing from. [Suicide discussions.]
* Eli: …ages. [A fun guessing game.]

### **Notes**

* **CONTENT WARNING**: This is a movie primarily about teen suicide, so there will be (hopefully tasteful) jokes involving that.
* Check out Marsh on Twitter, *Be Reasonable*, *Skeptics with a K*, *The Skeptic* (UK), and at The Good Thinking Society, or (thanks to Eli) Skeptic of the Year and MarshStoleHisVaccineFromAnOldLady.com.

### **Jokes**

* [Noah: This is… "Okay, imagine I'm a piece of chocolate and you want to put your hands all over it." Do you *not* know how chocolate works?] [Eli: I don't think anyone who wrote this movie knows how chocolate works, no. I don't think they do. *Or*, I want a flash cut to the scene of her just being like, "I'm sorry I just had such a tough day", and she's just rubbing her hands back and—like washing her hands with a Hershey bar.] [Marsh. Yeah. Yeah, she's here turning up to places with, like, chocolate covered hands like a toddler. It's like, "Sorry, I saw some chocolate. I couldn't resist.]

### **Interstitials**

* A Salsa Class Joins a Movie (5:08)
* Randomly Chosen Therapist (43:52) [a.k.a Better Help]
* Older People Playing Teens (1:15:59)
* Outtake (1:51:13) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Flashback to Shit We Just Watched
* Looks Like…
* Heath is Unable to Join Us This Week
* Who's That Girl?

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Marsh: The fact that Matt's school never bothered to investigate accusations about him continued to worry literally no one for some reason.
* Noah: Some kid went on to find twenty-four fentanyl on a roof, just looking like discarded candy.
* Eli: Raquel lost the shit out of her therapists license.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Better Help: Eli on 30 Second Radio Delay (1:52:46)
* Hello Fresh: [CODE:AWFUL65] Eli Gifting Eggs (1:54:10)
* Blue Chew: [CODE:AWFUL] Snorting Gas Station Boner Pills (1:56:15)
The Becoming (GAM083)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***The Becoming*** (also known as ***The Becoming 2012*** and ***The Becoming 2015***) is the story of vampires, sort of? From *Patreon*: "Wouldn't call it a movie, so much; but it was definitely a thing, and we definitely used our eyes to consume it."

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because there are only so many doors you can slam your dick into.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love fast forwarding through episodes of *Buffy the Vampire Slayer*, but you hate how little stock footage of space they have, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …prostitute symmetry. [Regular Person vs. Danny Trejo.]
* Eli: …swearing. [At everyone.]
* Noah: …audio. [A high bar, even only 83 episodes into GAM.]

### **Notes**

* The writer/director/star of this film, Geovanni Molina, is still making movies, which could be seen at Reel Film Studios and then Geovanni Molina Studios, and now at GM Streamfire (a "streaming service" for GM Studios).
* Despite Eli's Breakfast Club Close, this movie does have a sequel… or possibly just a re-release given that it seems to have an identical cast, called *Domination of the Becoming* (2018).

### **Jokes**

* [Heath: It's just, like, go to *one* bar one time. Learn one thing about one thing in your movie.] [Eli: And then everyone turns into a… zombie.] [[Noah: We're on *zombies* now.] [Heath: Those are different, right? Zombies are not the same as vampires, are they?] [Eli:I feel like *four* different pieces of shit all tried to make four different shitty movies, and then they all got together for drinks. And they were like, "Do you have a quarter of a movie? Oh my God! *I* have a quarter of a movie!"]

### **Interstitials**

* Fuck Tour! (7:03)
* inappropriate Responses to Ultimate Evil (1:15:50)
* Carl the Pugapegacorn's Sex Line (1:18:15)
* Outtakes: Survey Song Mind Worm (1:48:51) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

"Alcohol=Bad Guy

* And Then the Apocalypse Happens
* Awkward Kiss
* Bad Sportsing
* Boss in a Bit Part
* Christians Don't Know How the World Works
* Go Fuck Yourself!
* Looks Like…
* SEXISM!
* We're Going to Live Forever

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Two dogs' careers were harmed by the making of this movie.
* Noah: The Great Shakarakiki was pretty pissed off these guys didn't even call to see if he was free.
* Eli: There was absolutely *not* a sequel to this movie.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube
* IMDb
The Cross and the Switchblade (GAM095)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***The Cross and the Switchblade*** is the story of how Pat Boone ended all the crime in New York City in 1958 (it's been none ever since), using Christianity.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because sometimes (but not always) it means getting to see Eric Estrada in his underwear.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you feel like all *West Side Story* missed was an awkward white guy asking to get stabbed, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …white people trying to name black people. [eg. "Bottle cap."]
* Eli: …fake gang names. [See the notes.]
* Noah: …omission of "Yakkity Sax" during the fight scenes. [Listeners sadly missed the reenactment.]

### **Notes**

* Recorded live at the People's Improv Theater in New York, New York on 10 June 2017 from 9:30 to 11:30 PM (EDT).
* The film is an adaptation of the "biographical" 1963 novel of the same name written by David Wilkerson. Spire Christian Comics also published a comic book adaptation by Al Hartley in 1972.
* The "Mau Maus" were not only a real gang, the name is based on the Mau Mau Uprising (1962–1960) in Kenya during British occupation.

### **Jokes**

* [Heath: This is a bad movie.] [Eli: I had to be *partners* with the *teacher*. 'Cause I was so *popular*.] [\*laughter\*] [Eli: I got a lunch table all to myself. The other kids were intimidated, right mom?] [\*laughter\*] [Eli: I've *always* been this way. There wasn't always a podcast.] [\*laughter\*]

### **Interstitials**

* So Caucasian It's Dangerous to Look at Him Directly (10:00)
* Rhyming Rumble Negotiations (1:12:51)
* Which Weapons? (1:23:51)
* Outtakes (1:45:11) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Black Men are Criminals
* Black Men Don't Have Names
* RACISM!

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Someone showed this movie to a bag of stem cells, and they turned into Ted Nugent.
* Noah: The Muslim character was the only one beyond redemption.
* There are ninety minutes of cut footage of Pat Boone saying the n-word.

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Film on YouTube (Full Frame)
* Film on YouTube (Widescreen)
* IMDb
I'm Not Ashamed (GAM063)

Noah Lugeons

Eli Bosnick

***I'm Not Ashamed*** is the story of how hard it is to be upper middle class and Christian, how totally awesome this highschool girl was to–like–everybody, and… then she got shot in the face by Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins. And I believe Darwin was involved as well.

### **Opening Phrase:**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because we're all terrified of what Eli would do if he didn't have this outlet.

### **How Bad Was It?**

It's the kind of bad where I think I've blocked all of the teenage white people I've ever met, for fear that they'll contact me with their problems. And I don't want it: no thank-you. Listen, there's a glass ceiling of pity I have. When you're a woman and person of color, it's like the threshold for tolerance of that shit… I don't know, I guess I'm still waiting for any movie where black men get shot and we make it about Christ. I don't know. I guess?

### **Notes**

* Keisha's website and Twitter.
* Features actual footage from the Columbine mass shooting.

### **Interstitials**

* Keisha pitches *1134* to Pureflix (7:00)
* "Chubby Bunny" Apology(1:19:30)

### **Links**

* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Audioboom
* Film on YouTube (Paid)
* IMDB
Journey to Bethlehem (GAM431)

## Hosts

Noah Lugeons

Heath Enwright

Eli Bosnick

***Journey to Bethlehem*** is the story of Antonio Banderas just stumbling onto a movie set during a drug bender and *stealing* the show by accident; also, the virgin birth or whatever.

### **Opening Phrase**

Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because we angered a witch.

### **How Bad Was It?**

Well, if you love the story of the baby Jesus, but you love *High School Musical: The Musical* more, you will *love* this movie.

### **Best Worst**

* Heath: …evil bluetooth earpiece. [So big.]
* Noah: …trying to pass a bunch of singers off as actors. [2 actors and a bunch of singers.]
* Eli: …yes, we can add that to God's origin story. [It's fine.]

### **Notes**

* Watched live in-theater on Thursday 16 November 2023, starting the traditional Christmas-tacular a little earlier than usual. Noah had a few problems: "Forgot the name of this week's GAM movie and the marquee list was too long to scroll through, so I just asked the cashier to give me a ticket to the movie with the most Jesus in it. He was NOT amused."
* Despite what Eli said, the two of the four gospels (Matthew and Luke) that mention anything about Jesus being conceived *do* set it while Mary and Joseph were betrothed, not while they were married. In his defense, it's been a while since they read through the Bible, and they're not quite there with Biblepiece Theatre yet.

### **Jokes**

* [Noah: Yeah, right.] [Heath: Here's the thing: if I got impregnated by *God*, I wouldn't be *strategizing* anything.] [Eli: I wouldn't be worried, yeah!] [Noah: Right!] [Heath: I would just be—I'd be a *dick* about everything.] [Eli: I'd just walk up.] [Heath: I'd just be dancing around, walking right up to that guy.] [Noah: Somersaulting my way in.] [Heath: Pulling his nose for no reason. Boop!] [Pointing my bellybutton at him. "Hey! Hey, you want a laser blast from this? Because you'll get a full on God laser blast if you don't get the fuck out of my way."] [Noah: Fuck yeah!] [Heath: Or not, but something else will go good for me.] [Noah: Yeah.] [Heath: It doesn't matter. I win.] [Eli: Eagle! \*rawr\*]

### **Interstitials**

* First Ever Writers' Meeting (6:34)
* Gabriel Appears to a Twelve-Year-Old (31:53)
* Herrod & Antipater (54:36)
* Outtakes (1:25:21) [Post Credits]

### **Tropes**

* Awkward Kiss
* Christians Don't Know How the ~~World~~ Bible Works
* Disappointing Christian Celebrity
* Reprehensible Moral Message
* SEXISM!

### **Breakfast Club Close**

* Heath: Joseph went on to invent nothing.
* Noah: Mary went on to teach nothing.
* Eli: Fig the Donkey went on to star in his own spin-off action martial-arts movie. [*Fig Trouble in Little China*.]

### **Links**

* Episode on Audioboom
* Episode on YouTube
* Episode on Patreon
* Trailer on YouTube
* IMDb

### **Ad Reads**

* Better Help: Eli's Family Drama(1:26:26)
* Aura Frames: [CODE: AWFUL] Straight Talk(1:27:50)
* Babbel: Eli's Paris Christmas Romance (1:29:02)