Jeremy Salads

> "...All milkmen are evil. At the crack of dawn, they leave bottles of milk at your doorstep. There could be anything in that milk--cyanide, bleach, brain-washing chemicals--Not to mention where that milk comes from--cows. The milkmen steal it from them, starving the newborn calves. It has gotten so out of hand, that our only option is to put the cows out of their misery so they are no longer abused by milkmen, and so they are spared from watching their own offspring starve. This is the real reason we have slaughterhouses. While milk does have vitamins and calcium, it is too dangerous consume milk. If you are looking for nutrients, nothing beats a good, healthy salad. Every salad eaten is a small loss for the milkmen..."
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> -Jeremy Salads in his Autobiography: *Big Healthy Boys* (p. 252)
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## Summary

Jeremy Salads is a way past cool 13-year-old boy and Galactic General of Big Friend's glorious army. Jeremy, despite his young age, currently has over one thousand confirmed kills, and as of august 5th, 2016, has eaten over one trillion salads. Because of his amazing diet, Jeremy has never been close to being caught in the Blastzone. A feat accomplished by few who actively oppose it. Even though Jeremy has no combat training of any kind, he has never lost a fight because of how healthy he is, and because he believes in himself. In an interview about his autobiography on the Today Show, Jeremy was asked, "How is it that you have the willpower to eat nothing but salad?" to which he replied, "I've always felt that keeping a healthy diet is an award in itself. Whenever I eat a nice, crisp salad, I get a feeling of enlightenment--as if with every bite, Big Friend is smiling down upon me".

## Biography

Jeremy Salads was born on August 1st, 2003 in a small town in Tennessee named Wagdollop from Jeremiah and Jane Salads. Jeremy ate his first bowl of salad when he was six months old. by age five, he had eaten two thousand salads. by age ten, he had consumed his one billionth salad. Jeremy did very well in school and had a perfect GPA. Every girl wanted him, and every boy wanted to be him. He was known as a very cool, charismatic and easygoing kid who just wanted a healthy lifestyle.

One day, when Jeremy was eleven, he was downing a big, jumbo salad at the Wagdollop Mall food court, when suddenly, his heightened senses picked up something odd. Jeremy warned everyone to get behind something. Since Jeremy was the known around town as a cool kid, everyone trusted him heeded his warning. A moment passed, and all of the sudden, the mall's skylights all shattered simultaneously, followed by gallons of milk raining through them, and a squadron of elite milkmen came down, surfing on the tidal wave of milk rushing through the mall's skylights like a white waterfall. The milkmen may have wreaked havoc that day, but they were no match for Jeremy. Jeremy killed 34 milkmen and badly wounded 17 of them, all with his bare hands. This was Jeremy's first combat experience. Thanks to Jeremy's warnings, there were many fewer innocent deaths that day. The following week, Jeremy got a letter from Big Friend himself, commending Jeremy for his amazing bravery during the Wagdollop Massacre, and asking for him to join his forces. Jeremy proudly accepted his childhood hero's proposition. Within a year of working for his nation, he was promoted all the way to Galactic General.

## Trivia

* Jeremy has never been caught in the Blastzone. Scientists believe that if Jeremy were to, hypothetically, come in contact with a regular Blastzone, it would be repulsed by Jeremy's healthy body and contort around him in a way that he would not come in contact. Scientists also fear that if Jeremy were to be caught in the True Blastzone, it would create an extremely dangerous evil clone of Jeremy named Shadow Jeremy. While these are both theories, Scientists warn that if Shadow Jeremy is ever born from the True Blastzone, the entire world would be in grave danger.
* Jeremy has a dog named Jeremy Jr. and has taught him to speak. He is Jeremy's best friend and sidekick and he helps him fight.
* The only things besides salad that Jeremy has ever eaten are baby food, and breast milk. However, Jeremy's baby food was simply the ingredients to a salad, but mashed up, and during breastfeeding, Jeremy's mother ate nothing but salad. So some argue that Jeremy, technically, has only ever eaten salad.
* Jeremy has a younger brother named Hadan Salads. Hadan, in contrast to his brother, has welcomed the blastzone he was corrupted by it. When Hadan was eleven, he and his army of Blastzone Baddies ambushed Jeremy at his twelfth birthday party, declaring war on him and their family. Fortunately, Jeremy showed him that healthy living and righteousness is far superior than the under-handed power of the blastzone. A year later, knowing he couldn't possibly defeat his brother, Hadan fled, and has not been seen or heard of since.
* Jeremy, in an interview, has said his favorite D&D character is Ronald.
* Jeremy is one of the only four people to have ever met Big Friend in person. The other three are Obama, The holy knight Ser Wubblebubbleball, and Big Friend's wife Big Wife.