How i wish i could call your name

> *There's more life left to go.*
>
>

*****how i wish i could call your name***** is the first of two mixtapes created for Carson Mackenzie. It was released on December 14, 2015 on 8tracks.

The mixtape mainly describes Carson's feelings about her chronic illness, her deceased childhood friend, Joshua, and her roommate-turned-lover, Lizzie. It also hints at her relationship with Sasha Rodriguez. As the playlist was released during the series' early stages of development, it is no longer accurate in regards to Joshua's role in her life.

The second mixtape for Carson is ***ghost***, released on January 9, 2017.

The cover is of a woman with her head bowed, a pose that may denote "exhaustion, defeat, struggle." In contrast, skies, especially one with clouds with silver linings, can signify hope, among other things (?).

## Track listing

1. "Seasons" - Hollow Wood - *Seasons EP* (2014) - 6:04
2. "Anthem" - Alana Yorke - *Dream Magic* (2015) - 5:06
3. "Letters to God, Part II (The Architect) (Piano Cover)" - Matthew Beach - Single (2011) - 3:45
	* original: "Letters To God, Part II" - Angels & Airwaves - *Love* (2010) - 4:06
4. "Desire" - Ryan Adams - *Demolition* (2002) - 3:41
5. "Photograph" - Ed Sheeran - *X (Deluxe Edition)* (2004) - 4:18
6. "Change My Name" - Trading Yesterday - *More Than This* (2011) - 3:35
7. "Life Left to Go" - Safetysuit - *Life Left to Go* (2008) - 5:56
8. "The Planets Bend Between Us" - Snow Patrol - *A Hundred Million Suns (Deluxe Version)* (2008) - 4:16

## Lyrics & Meta

```
I can see the seasons have changed
Light turned to dark
But death can’t take you away
I'll take these memories
I'll take these memories and sail away
The years have passed me by
Happy birthday, because death will take me with age
But until then
Oh until then
I won’t forget your name
How I wish I could call your name [repeated]

```
 "Anthem" - Alana Yorke

```
[Verse 1]
I've been watching
I've been wandering
We've been saving up
We've been growing up

[Pre-Chorus 1]
**And how many friends have we lost along the way?**
They are still in this world but not living the same
And we'll hold to our dreams we won't give them away
We'll just try and we'll try and we'll try and we'll try and again
We'll just keep on singing

[Chorus]
La ha ha ha ha ah
La ha ha ha
La ha ha ha ha ah
La ha ha ha
La ha ha ha ha ah
La ha ha ha
La ha ha ha ha ah
La ha ha ha

[Verse 2]
If you ask me
I can tell you
I was stronger now
I would leave your life

[Pre-Chorus 2]
**Cause all that we want is to love along the way**
There are times in this life when I'm willing to change
If you don't ask you won't budge then we won't go away
We'll just try and we'll try and we'll try and we'll try and again
We'll just keep on singing

[Chorus]

[Verse 3]
I have learned some things
Stay healthy
Be with the ones you love
Do the things you love

[Verse 4]
And oh, if you ask me
I can tell you
Keep trying
We will break through
You know we will break through

[Pre-Chorus 2]

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

[Chorus]

Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh

La ha ha ha ha ah
La ha ha ha

```
the song defines what she wants and what motivates her, with a touch of Josh angst
it's also about the entire cast:
"We've been growing up"

"We've been growing up"

"And how many friends have we lost along the way?
They are still in this world but not living the same
And we'll hold to our dreams we won't give them away
We'll just try and we'll try and we'll try and we'll try and again
We'll just keep on singing"

"Cause all that we want is to love along the way"
"And oh, if you ask me
I can tell you
Keep trying
We will break through
You know we will break through"

"Cause all that we want is to give our love away
There are times in this life we are willing to change
We will ask for the world, we will ask for the world
And we'll try and we'll try and we'll try and again
We'll just keep on singing"
...
"And how many friends have we lost along the way?
They are still in this world but not living the same"
that's the one with deeper meanings
 "Letters To God, Part II" - Angels & Airwaves

```
[Verse 1]

All the phones have rung and rung
They're off the hook, all but one
And all the mail stacked up inside
Up from the floor, a mile high

[Pre-Chorus]
And like one would, like a child
I'm asking

Like I could knock on your door
Will you let me in?

[Chorus 1]
And dear God, I found out the same things we learn when we die
I found out the truth is its all a big lie
I find that the words are hard to describe
I tell you I'm lost here, awaiting reply

[Verse 2]
Climbing trees and paper planes
Life as a kid, we're all the same
Tears of joy, and sullen hearts
Sticks and stones and broken arms

[Pre-Chorus]
And like one would, like a child
I'm asking
Like I could knock on your door
Will you let me in?

[Chorus 2]
And dear God, I found out the same things we learn when we die
I found out the truth is its all a big lie
I find that the words are hard to describe
I tell you I'm lost here, awaiting reply
I found out whats wrong, and its not you or I
Or anyone else that you chose to deny
It seems like the madness of choice in the life
Has made it unclear if we run or we hide

[Chorus 3]
And dear God, I found out the same things we learn when we die
I found out the truth is its all a big lie
I find that the words are hard to describe
I tell you I'm lost here, awaiting reply
I found out whats wrong, and its not you or I
Or anyone else that you chose to deny
It seems like the madness of choice in the life
Has made it unclear if we run or we hide

```
"And dear God,I found out the same things we learn when we dieI found out the truth is it's all a big lieI find that the words are hard to describeI tell you I'm lost here, awaiting reply"
"All the phones have rung and rungTheyre off the hook, all but oneAnd all the mail stacked up insideUp from the floor, a mile high"
the song is about Carson reminiscing over the events in her life, as well as the events in the lives of the people she cares about
 "Desire" - Ryan Adams

```
[Verse 1]
Two hearts fading, like a flower
And all this waiting, for the power
For some answer, to this fire
Sinking slowly, the waters higher

[Chorus]
Mmm,
Desire
Desire

[Verse 2]
With no secrets, no obsession
This time I'm speeding, with no direction
Without a reason, what is this fire?
Burning slowly, my one and only

[Chorus]
Mmm,
Desire
Desire
Desire
Desire

[Verse 3]
You know me, you know my way
You just can't show me, but God I'm praying
That you'll find me, and that you'll see me
That you'll run and never tire

[Chorus]
Mmm,
Desire
Desire
Desire
Desire

```
 "Photograph" - Ed Sheeran

```
[Verse 1]
Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

[Pre-Chorus]
We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Our hearts were never broken
And time's forever frozen, still

[Chorus 1]
So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me close until our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home

[Verse 2]
Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know, know
I swear it will get easier, remember that with every piece of ya
And it's the only thing to take with us when we die

[Pre-Chorus]
We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Our hearts were never broken
And time's forever frozen, still

[Chorus 2]
So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me close until our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone
And if you hurt me, that's okay baby
Only words bleed inside these pages
You just hold me
And I won’t ever let you go
Wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come home

[Bridge]
Oh you can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen
Next to your heartbeat where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul
And if you hurt me, that's okay, baby
Only words bleed inside these pages
You just hold me
And I won’t ever let you go

[Outro]
When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost back on Sixth street
Hearing you whisper through the phone
Wait for me to come home

```
“Loving can hurt/loving can heal”“Loving can hurt sometimes/loving can mend your soul”Lizzie’s love helps Carson heal from the hurt of not being with Sasha, but that doesn’t stop Carson from thinking about all the what if’s and the memories
Carson’s thoughts of Sasha:"And if you hurt meWell, that's okay baby, only words bleedInside these pages you just hold meAnd I won’t ever let you go"
 "Change My Name" - Trading Yesterday

```
I haven't seen the sun in seven days
I can't remember when I saw your face
But I still believe that you led me through the wilderness
And you have not forgotten me through all of this

A million miles have led me to this place
Where all I've ever loved has been erased
Changing my song to a disenchanted lullaby
With a name I never really felt was mine

But I have learned that I can't earn any love you've given
So I'm finding hope in letting go of all that I have made

Because the pain defining me is holding me lifeless
So I'm waiting patiently for you to change my name

Open up to my heart's surgery
The waiting rooms of my reality
Where I still believe there's a purpose to this pain inside
And you are not, not leaving me here to die

But formless hope will never know while the storm is raging
So I will strive to stay alive in these waves

Because the pain defining me is holding me lifeless
So I am waiting patiently for you

Because the pain defining me is holding me lifeless
So I am waiting patiently for you
I am waiting for you to change my name
To change my name

```
Change My Name is a Carson/Lizzie song, with a dash of Carson/Sasha and Carson/Josh
it describes Carson and Lizzie's later interpersonal struggles, but also Carson's own internal conflict *before* she meets Lizzie
"there's two major events i was thinking about when i had this song for Carson. the first is when she was younger and had a severe relapse, the second happens during the book. Josh and Lizzie help her through them, and the song relates to that.
it's also Carson's constant questioning of her existence. a good chunk of it is questioning the constant pain she experiences, and why...
"Open up to my heart's surgery
The waiting room's of my reality
Where I still believe there's a purpose to this pain inside
And you are not, not leaving me here to die"
it's also about Carson's feelings about her body, her gender issues, sexuality, etc...:
"Open up to my heart's surgery
 "Life Left to Go" - Safetysuit

```
[Verse 1]
Sometimes the edge serves as more than a friend
Than you thought it would be
And the pages you write in your journal each night
Are your only release
And the mask you put on, it's like words in a song
But there's more to be seen
And the failures you see
Don't seem failures to me here at all

[Chorus]
Oh, I'm begging you, no
There's more life left to go]
Oh, I'm begging you, please
'Cause I don't want you to leave

[Verse 2]
Alone as you walk through a crowd and it's
Awkward like nobody sees
And you can't help but wonder would anyone come
After you, if you'd leave
So a pain grows inside and a fear comes alive
Like you'll never be free
But there's no pain you feel
That I know love can't heal here at all

[Chorus]
Oh, I'm begging you, no
There's more life left to go
Oh, I'm begging you, please
'Cause I, I don't you to leave me

[Bridge]
To leave me here on my own
There's nothing to run from, no
There's nothing but fear inside you
I just hope I can find you
And tell you that I know you'll smile again

[Chorus]
Oh, I'm begging you, no
There's more life left to go
Oh, I'm begging you, please
'Cause I don't want you to leave

```
Lyric of significance: "And the failures you see don't seem failures to me here at all"
"Oh, I just hope I can find you / And tell you that I know you'll smile again" is when Lizzie learns to be brave and puts her all into the relationship
 "The Planets Bend Between Us" - Snow Patrol

```
The winter's marked the earth, it's floored was frozen glass
You slip into my arms and you quickly correct yourself
Your freezing speech bubbles, seem to hold your words aloft
I want the smoky clouds of laughter to swim about me forever more

I will race you to the waterside
And from the edge of Ireland shout out loud
So they could hear it in America, it's all for you

The shells crack under our shoes like punctuation points
The planets bend between us a hundred million suns and stars
The sea filled in the silence before you sank those words
And now even in the darkness, I can see how happy you are

I will race you to the waterside
And from the edge of Ireland shout out loud
So they could hear it in America, it's all for you
It's all for you, it's all for you

The planets bend between us a hundred million suns and stars
The planets bend between us a hundred million suns and stars
The planets bend between us a hundred million suns and stars

```

## Cut Tracks

* The Majority Says' "Run Alone" was cut because it did fit with the tone of the mix.

```
The Majority Says - "Run Alone"

If I couldn't steal a broken heart
I would rather feel, nothing at all
I would rather see, a miss jury
I fall apart, bit by bitI
I fall apart, a bit, a bit, a bit

But I keep on running
I run alone
And I keep on walking
Walk without the door
And I keep on running
I run alone
And I keep on walking, soon I will be gone
And i keep on running
And I keep on running
I'm running with me

Will i make it stop
I cannot see
I try to open up to enemies
Try to open my infinity
Fall apart, bit by bit
Fall apart a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit

But I keep on running
I run alone
And I keep on walkin
Walk without the door
And I keep on running
I run alone
And I keep on walking
Soon I will be gone
And I keep on running
And I keep on running

Alone, by keep
Alone, by keep

But I keep on running
I run alone
And I keep on walking
Walk without the door
And I keep on running
I run alone
But I keep on walking
Soon I will be gone

Alone (and I keep on running)
By keep (I run alone)
And i keep on walking
Walk without the door
And I keep on running
I run alone
And i keep on walking
Soon I will be gone

And I keep on running
And I keep on running
And I keep on running
And I Keep on running
Alone, by keep

```