FILE 30. The Basket Case of the Nurse's Building

*Mayfield and Belov presents: Camp Here and There.*

*Episode Thirty: The Basket Case of the Nurse’s Building*

[CLICK]

[CLOCK TICKING]

**JEDIDIAH**

The time is approximately 10:25AM on the 6th of July. I’m Jedidiah A. A. Martin, co-nurse at Camp Here and There. I am recording a session of conflict mediation between… two repeat offenders who can never seem to agree on anything. In accordance with the terms of my employment, I’m dying on the fucking cross for you two again. Fifth time in two Summers, guys.

**YVONNE**

Lay off, dude.

**JOSHUA**

Hey, what’s this co-nurse stuff? Aren’t you Sydney’s assistant?

[JEDIDIAH BREATHES LOUDLY IN ANNOYANCE]

**JEDIDIAH**

I am Jedidiah Martin, *assistant* nurse at Camp Here and There. Happy?

**JOSHUA**

Mhm.

**JEDIDIAH**

Names and perspectives.

**YVONNE**

Ahh! Ah. Right. Okay. Yeah. Right. Ummmmm.

**JOSHUA**

Maybe I should go first?

**YVONNE**

I can do it!

**JEDIDIAH**

We are not having this debate again. Yvonne, you first.

**YVONNE**

Okay. Uhmm… I’m Yvonne Marley. As you know. And me and Joshua have got… big problems.

**JEDIDIAH**

Yes, well, I assumed as much…

**YVONNE**

It’s this — Elephant Guy! You know? We have to… everyone’s all confused about this Elephant Man thing. It’s a big deal.

**JOSHUA**

Huge deal.

**YVONNE**

And me and Joshua, we — we just can’t figure out what to tell the kids! It’s like… do we tell them the whole truth? Or do we just try to tell them something comforting?

**JOSHUA**

That’s the issue.

**YVONNE**

And I think we should try not to scare them. I’m like the Salem of us.

**JOSHUA**

That’s you!

**YVONNE**

We should just tell them something to keep them comfortable and happy! Is my thing. 🙂

**JOSHUA**

🙂

**YVONNE**

🙂

**JEDIDIAH**

Alright. That… okay. Sure. Joshua?

**JOSHUA**

Yeah, baby, my turn. I’m Joshua MacHeath, and I think Yvonne is a big… dump. I think, we shouldn’t even worry about how the kids “feel”! I think we should just tell ‘em everything! Hell, make stuff up! Right? ‘Cos the kids, you know, what they hate more than anything is being left in the dark about big camp business. Yvonne just doesn’t get that. Isn’t she so unreasonable?

**YVONNE**

You’re unreasonable, you… dick… wart.

**JOSHUA**

Fuck trumpet!

**YVONNE**

Wimpy little bitch.

**JOSHUA**

O—ow… [*Whisper*] pull your punches a bit, huh… ?

**JEDIDIAH**

Okay, guys…

**YVONNE AND JOSHUA**

[IN A SYNCOPATED MONOTONE] Help us, Jedidiah.

**JEDIDIAH**

Just let Sydney speak for himself. The Elephant Man is his issue, right? He would appreciate being handed the reins on his own narrative.

**YVONNE**

Ah…

**JOSHUA**

Uhm…

**YVONNE**

Right…

**JOSHUA**

But the problem with that is… uh…

**JEDIDIAH**

Hey, if my solution is imperfect, I’m open to feedback.

**YVONNE**

It’s just — it’s —

**JOSHUA**

It’s fine, it’s just —

**YVONNE**

It’s so —

**JOSHUA**

Maybe too perfect? A little bit?

**YVONNE**

Maybe that.

**JEDIDIAH**

Alright, guys. It’s been fun. I’ve got work to do, so, ah… meeting adjourned?

[JEDIDIAH BEGINS TO STAND]

**YVONNE**

Wwwwwait —

**JOSHUA**

Hey, Jedidiah, remember when Sydney and I were roommates in college?

**JEDIDIAH**

[*With disdain*] All too well.

[HE SITS]

**YVONNE**

He *hated* you.

**JOSHUA**

He did. After the first semester, he requested a solo dorm.

**YVONNE**

Anyone would’ve done the same.

**JOSHUA**

I was a big loser! You hated me too, right, Jedidiah?

**JEDIDIAH**

What is your game here? Is this some kind of psyop?

**YVONNE**

We just wanna reminisce!

**JOSHUA**

Just some good old college-day reminiscence. Just some old pals sittin’ down and talkin’ about bygones. What’s wrong with that?

**JEDIDIAH**

I don’t exactly… it — it wasn’t a good part of my life. It doesn’t make me happy to think about it.

**YVONNE**

Awwwww, what about our adventures together?

**JEDIDIAH**

We… it’s… I mean, you were probably the best thing about college.

**YVONNE**

Remember you were scared of me at first?

**JEDIDIAH**

I was not *scared of you.* I just… didn’t know how to talk to people.

**YVONNE**

Don’t bluff. You were terrified of me because you were a good little Christian boy and I was a party goth.

**JEDIDIAH**

I… I was desensitized to the goth stuff because of Sydney. He exposed me to the fancy clothes and the shitty music for years before I met you.

**YVONNE**

Okayyyyyyy, but you *have* to admit, my hair freaked you out.

**JEDIDIAH**

… Your hair might have freaked me out a little bit.

**YVONNE**

Heh.

**JOSHUA**

Me too, dude. To this day. She picks the weirdest colors… hurts my eyes, Yvonne.

**YVONNE**

Oh, shut up.

**JOSHUA**

You shut up!

**JEDIDIAH**

Seriously, though, guys, what is this all about?

**YVONNE**

Do you remember — oh, my God, do you remember —

**JOSHUA**

What? What? Do I know this story?

**YVONNE**

Yeah, dude, you were totally there.

**JOSHUA**

[*Gleeful*] Eee!

[JEDIDIAH SIGHS]

**YVONNE**

Like, I tried to get Jedidiah to come to parties all the time, right? He was always, like, too scared and awkward or whatever —

**JEDIDIAH**

I was trying to make the most of my college education.

**YVONNE**

But one day, God, I guess I caught him in a good mood, because he finally said yes.

**JOSHUA**

Oh my God, is this the time he put on that —

**YVONNE**

Shush. Shush. So I got him to come to this party, and it was being held in, like, someone’s common room, and they had a DJ. And they let the attendees take turns requesting tracks. Anything that could be found online.

**JEDIDIAH**

Oh my God.

**JOSHUA**

Oh my God, it’s this one!

**JEDIDIAH**

Why here? Why now?

**YVONNE**

And everyone wanted Jedidiah to pick a track, because they were all so excited to see the guy with the cross necklace come out of his shell. I mean, I think some of them were hoping he’d pick a Jesus song.

**JOSHUA**

Oh, that would’ve been funny.

**JEDIDIAH**

Did I do something wrong? Are you punishing me?

**YVONNE**

He picked something even better, though. Anyway, he kept saying no at first, but after a couple of hours he was kind of drunk.

**JEDIDIAH**

Auuughhg.

**YVONNE**

And finally he said yes. And the track he put on…

**JOSHUA**

It was like — this weird, orchestral… like, nature song from a video game… ?

**YVONNE**

It was ambient music from the Skyrim soundtrack.

**JOSHUA**

YES!

**YVONNE**

And he danced to it.

**JOSHUA**

Like an interpretive dance about the epic history and lore of this video game world.

**JEDIDIAH**

I… cannot believe that you remember this.

**YVONNE**

How could we forget!?

**JOSHUA**

Oh, oh, guys, fuck, I have a story. [*As he tells this “story”, he starts out enthusiastic, but grows less so as he realizes that what he’s saying is insane*] Me and Sydney would play this game — Sydney would toss cafeteria hot dogs on the floor of our dorm, and he would tell me I did it and make me pick them up. And then when I brought them back to him, I would, like, joke hit on him, like “Will you date me now?”, right, like now that I — picked up a hot dog for you — and it was a joke, I mean, kind of, and he would always just, like… laugh and call me names. Like, really nasty words that I don’t know if I’m… allowed to say.

[SILENCE]

**JEDIDIAH**

Jesus, Joshua.

**YVONNE**

Hearing that made me feel sick.

**JOSHUA**

I’m sorry.

**YVONNE**

You’re sick.

**JOSHUA**

Okay.

**JEDIDIAH**

Guys, please… this — this really isn’t fun for me, and you obviously have some kind of ulterior motive, so can we please just — drop the charade and… why are you two really here?

**JOSHUA**

Uh…

**YVONNE**

Fine. Jedidiah, listen… we want to talk to you.

**JOSHUA**

Yeah. And the only opportunity we get is these mediation sessions.

**JEDIDIAH**

You just… wanted to have a chat?

**YVONNE**

No — I mean, yes, I like chatting with you and I want to do it more, but — today, it’s more like… we’re worried about you.

**JOSHUA**

You’ve always been kind of neurotic, but…

**YVONNE**

Lately, you’re clearly falling apart. I haven’t seen you so openly stressed out since… well, your last year of college. And we all know how that went.

**JEDIDIAH**

You… really don’t.

**YVONNE**

I don’t know every little detail. But I know it was bad. This time, I want to try and help you before it gets that bad again.

**JOSHUA**

Yeah. And, to be real… I wanna know what’s up with Sydney lately. I’m worried about him too. If there’s any way I can help him…

**JEDIDIAH**

[*Laughing with incredulity*] Joshua… *you* want to help Sydney?

**JOSHUA**

Dude… don’t act like I’m like… [*He’s a bit too offended to put this into words*]

**YVONNE**

Yes, he does. And I want to help you. So come on… what’s going on?

JEDIDIAH

[*Sigh*] I… this is… sweet. It’s… nice to know you care. I—I mean that.

**YVONNE**

[*Kindly*] Of course.

**JEDIDIAH**

But talking about it isn’t going to help. So… I have to say no. Sorry.

**JOSHUA**

[*Disdainfully*] Of course.

**YVONNE**

Jedidiah… are we friends?

**JEDIDIAH**

Um.

**YVONNE**

Do you consider me a friend?

**JEDIDIAH**

Yes. Of — of course.

**YVONNE**

Well, then act like it.

**JEDIDIAH**

I…

**YVONNE**

I know you’ve never been much for confiding, Jedidiah, but fuck, I don’t even feel like I know you anymore! If you think of us as friends, then you need to actually have a friendship with me.

**JOSHUA**

She’s been waiting to say that all summer.

**YVONNE**

Shut up. But… yeah, I have.

**JEDIDIAH**

Alright. I guess I… mmn. I’m sorry, Yvonne. You’re… right… that I haven’t been present… in anyone’s lives like a real friend should. I’ll… put more effort in.

**YVONNE**

Thank you.

**JEDIDIAH**

What exactly did you want to know?

**YVONNE**

Where did Sydney really go when he went missing?

**JEDIDIAH**

I don’t know.

**JOSHUA**

Why has he been acting so strange ever since?

**JEDIDIAH**

Probably possibly because he’s been having secret meetings with the Elephant Man?

**JOSHUA**

Who *is* the Elephant Man?

**JEDIDIAH**

I have no idea.

**YVONNE**

But we know Sydney has talked to him?

**JEDIDIAH**

Not… really, it’s just a guess.

**JOSHUA**

Then why did Sydney say he wasn’t a threat the other day?

**JEDIDIAH**

I don’t know.

**YVONNE**

Is Sydney plotting something with the Elephant Man? Is that why he’s acting so weird?

**JEDIDIAH**

I don’t know.

**YVONNE**

I find it really hard to believe that you don’t know *anything*.

**JEDIDIAH**

What do you want me to say, Yvonne? Sydney hasn’t told me a Goddamn thing for the past week.

**JOSHUA**

Are you guys fighting?

**JEDIDIAH**

… I don’t know.

**YVONNE**

That sucks. Must be annoying.

**JEDIDIAH**

It’s… complicated. I don’t blame him for it.

**JOSHUA**

Why?

**JEDIDIAH**

It’s pretty much my fault.

**YVONNE**

So he’s ignoring you because he’s mad at you for something?

**JEDIDIAH**

Yes. Probably.

**JOSHUA**

Well what’s he mad about?

**JEDIDIAH**

I… uhm.

**YVONNE**

Because you avoid him all the time?

[JEDIDIAH INHALES]

**YVONNE**

Why do you do that?

**JEDIDIAH**

I — I can’t —

**JOSHUA**

Have you ever kissed him?

**JEDIDIAH**

Wow.

**YVONNE**

Don’t be a creep.

**JOSHUA**

I’m just saying, like… weren’t you two dating at one point?

**JEDIDIAH**

No. Not… technically.

**YVONNE**

Not technically?

**JOSHUA**

What the hell does that mean?

**JEDIDIAH**

It’s complicated.

**YVONNE**

Just sounds annoying.

**JEDIDIAH**

No, listen… it’s not his fault.

**JOSHUA**

So it’s yours? It’s your fault?

**JEDIDIAH**

No, well, it’s not — I —

**YVONNE**

You guys have always had issues like this, and you always avoid them until they blow up in your face. Why do you do that? Why can’t the two of you just talk things out?

**JOSHUA**

Do you need a mediator? I’ll be the mediator.

**JEDIDIAH**

Listen, Yvonne, Jesus, I… Sydney is… he’s *hard*, he’s hard to know and hard to care about. That’s — a horrible thing to say, and I keep my mouth shut because I don’t want to say it, but he… is… our relationship… I… it — it — he needs… help… he needs more help than a single person could  possibly provide. And that’s not his fault… all he ever asked for was what he needed… but I couldn’t give it to him, or I couldn’t give it to him while still being sane, and — and the proof is right in front of you, because I tried giving him everything he needed and I flunked out of college and I ended up working for my fucking mom. And I’m still the only thing resembling a support system that Sydney has. And it’s… too much. Too much for him, too much for me. And I can’t just… run away… but we can’t keep living like this, so… I’ve been trying to fix it. But I don’t know. I don’t know.

[SILENCE]

**YVONNE**

Wow. Um… okay. I… that is… a lot to deal with.

**JOSHUA**

If he makes your life so much harder, why don’t you just cut him off?

**JEDIDIAH**

[*Chuff*] No.

**JOSHUA**

Why not?

**JEDIDIAH**

It’s out of the question.

**YVONNE**

Why?

**JEDIDIAH**

Sydney is more than just a burden. I — love him. I don’t want to lose him.

**JOSHUA**

Hm.

**YVONNE**

Hm.

**JOSHUA**

The thing that you’re doing wrong here is keeping Sydney in this weird friendship-limbo.

**YVONNE**

If you aren’t willing to act like someone’s friend, then it’s wrong to feed them false hope that you might still have a connection with them.

**JOSHUA**

Yes, she’s right.

**YVONNE**

I’m always right.

**JOSHUA**

Can you let me have something for *once?*

**YVONNE**

Don’t be self-centered.

**JOSHUA**

*I’m* self-centered?

[A DULL, QUIET VOICE AND RUMBLING CROWD CAN BE HEARD FROM OUTSIDE, GRADUALLY RISING IN VOLUME AND ENTHUSIASM]

**YVONNE**

Yes. Anyways, I’m right, Jedidiah.

**JOSHUA**

She’s right.

**YVONNE**

Friendship takes effort.

**JOSHUA**

Or you don’t be his friend.

**JEDIDIAH**

You guys don’t understand, I… even if I didn’t care about losing him, cutting him off would not be an option. I’m responsible for his well being, you get it? My parents sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars into paying for his college… I — he wouldn’t have passed his classes without me — he… he wouldn’t have survived if I hadn’t stayed with him on certain nights. He has a job here, a place to stay, a steady supply of money and food, because of me… you know Lucille; if she thought Sydney had fallen out of my good graces, he would be out of a job and home! I would be leaving him… with nothing. And none of this, *none of this*, is his fault… it is not his fault. His life, his parents, the circumstances of his birth, have left him… have… have left him without the resources or ability to take care of himself, and he hates that more than I do, and it’s not his fault, but he needs me. He needs me, and I love him. I love him… more than anything, and I cannot do that to him.

[CROWD ROARS]

I just can’t… God fucking dammit, what is going on outside!?

**YVONNE**

I don’t know…

[JEDIDIAH STANDS]

**JEDIDIAH**

I’m going out there. Session — session over.

[JEDIDIAH WALKS OUTSIDE AND OPENS THE DOOR, TO WHICH THE VOICE GROWS LOUDER. SOUNDS OF A CROWD MUMBLING CAN BE HEARD]

**ELIJAH**

And I stand before you on this rooftop, gazing down upon your circle of cabins, to deliver the good news! It’s sacred knowledge I’ve been cradling close to my chest for years, and I’ve deemed it prudent to share it with you all right here and now! Hear me! Trust in me! Learn the truth — that the world we live in exists in tribute to the perfect beauty of our divine Muse! You know him… you are blessed to bear him for every day you spend in this holy place… yet you shun him! Dismiss him! Blaspheme upon his name! Hear! Me! What are you worth without him? What are you in the eyes of the universe, for all your ignorance and neglect, but a sorry bunch of cattle? Nay; from this day forth, you will revere him as he was always meant to be revered. Be grateful! For Our Muse resides in this place, in body and spirit!

Who inspires the waters to flow over hills and down our throats? Our Muse! Who inspires the soil to pack together, to form a ground upon which we may walk? Our Muse! Who inspires the trees to fruit, to provide us with food to eat? Our Muse!

Our Muse!

[THE CROWD STARTS CHEERING OUR MUSE! ALONGSIDE ELIJAH]

Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse!

Tomorrow, I am hosting a ceremony for all who wish to join our world in venerating the Muse! If we love him, the Earth will love us in turn! Together, poor cattle, you will become my sheep! We will pay our dues and earn the love of our planet! No more storms! No more fire, disease, rot, or betrayal! No more apocalypse! All thanks to our Muse! Our Muse!

[OUR MUSE!]

Come! Tomorrow night… Come! Chant with me! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse! Our Muse!

[THE CROWD BEGINS ROARING WITH APPLAUSE]

**JEDIDIAH**

Lucille? There you are. Are you going to do something about this?

[LUCILLE IS HEARD WALKING AWAY]

[OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE]

**JEDIDIAH**

Lucille… ?

[OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE]

[CLICK]

*Today’s episode was written by Blue Mayfield and Nicholas Belov. The part of Jedidiah Martin was played by Nicholas Belov. The part of Yvonne Marley was played by Emily Safko. The part of Joshua MacHeath was played by Ty Coker. The part of Elijah Volkov was played by Ryan Henning.*

*Camp Here & There is the sole intellectual property of its production company, Mayfield & Belov. All music composed by Will Wood, and produced by Jonathon Maisto. Sound editing by Emily Safko and Blue Mayfield. Special thanks to our Patrons: Navaeh T, Saul, Ben Farkas, Absolutely an Axolotl, Moonlight Schemes, and Deez.*

*For behind-the-scenes material, exclusive canonical content, interactive events, and early episode access, consider signing up for our Patreon at patreon.com/mayfieldandbelov. Our discord server is a great place to meet like-minded fellows and discuss today’s episode — find the link at mayfieldandbelov.com. Lastly, if you’d like to support us, the best thing you can do is to spread the word about the show.*

*Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: [WHEEZE].*