Benjamin Jacobson's Journal

*The handwriting in the composition notebook is sprawling and hard to read. The pencil marks look dull and light, like the utensil wasn’t sharpened properly. The words are worn and barely legible. The book smells like rain. Only a few sentences are jotted on the first page:*

If found, please burn this journal without reading the contents to respect my privacy. But you probably won’t, will you?

*Turning the page reveals the first entry in the journal. You begin to read.*

####  September 10th, 2013

Mom came home drunk again. She just sort of stood there in the doorway, before passing out on the couch. I don’t know why expect better of her, but sometimes I just imagine her asking something like “how was your first day at school?” You know, like a normal person. At the same time I know that this is better than most nights. It’s probably best we didn’t talk, or I could set her off. There wasn’t anything in the fridge so I just tried to go to bed, but I couldn’t fall asleep and I’ve already listened to all my albums a million times, so now I’m writing here. If mom had asked how my first day of school was, I probably would’ve lied. I would’ve said it was great, and that Finn and I had a great time on our first day of 7th grade. I would’ve left out the part where Noah Stanton made fun of my stutter when we were introducing ourselves to the class, and that I nearly cried because I kept sputtering out a “buh” sound like a fucking idiot while everyone was silently judging me. I would’ve left out the part where I saw everyone’s new clothes, then looking down at my old hand-me-downs, wondered if anyone else noticed. I would’ve left those out because she would pause, and say something like “tough shit kid, they ain’t all gonna be winners” and then proceed to tell me about HER day, and that it was a thousand times worse, and that I should feel bad for not being all sunshine and rainbows when she’s working so hard to keep the two of us afloat. She’s probably right. I’m pretty useless and I don’t have a job to help support us. But I didn’t even have the chance to lie to her, and say “it was all good! I had a great day mom!” Because mom came home drunk again. I wish it hurt less over time. That I got used to it. But I don’t. And I don’t know what I did wrong to make it this way.

#### September 25th, 2013

It was raining today. When I was walking home from school, I found a frog sitting in the middle of the road. When I poked it with a stick it barely moved. I eventually inched it into a leaf and dragged it out of the street, bringing it back near the creek. Frogs are amphibians so I think it was probably about to die from the cold. Probably explains the poor reaction time. I just kind of looked at it for a while, watching it in stillness on the grass. I left it there on the bank of the creek, feeling sad, and not wanting it to die. But I couldn’t do anything about it aside from wish it the best. I don’t know why staring at a frog in the road got me so emotional. Mom was still working, so I had the house to myself. I did all my homework, and then just sort of paced around the house aimlessly. Normally I’d have Finn to hang out with, but he was busy today. It was a pretty good day overall, I fell asleep before mom came home, and nobody bothered me at school. I spent most of the day alone but that’s fine. Sometimes being alone is nice.

#### October 12th, 2013

John was in the papers today. He made some sort of weird liquid that you can move around with a remote control. I’m not really sure what the purpose for it would be, but I’m glad he’s doing okay. I don’t remember John really well. The only thing I can recall clearly is that he used to fight with mom a lot. They would have screaming matches with each other, and then mom would usually hit John and then he would leave and spend the night somewhere else. Sometimes I feel angry at him for leaving me, but given the same choice I’d do the same. I’d probably be a burden to him anyways, imagine trying to get through college while trying to take care of your shitty little brother at the same time. I wish him the best I suppose. Mom saw the paper and started cursing under her breath and pacing around the house, so I gave her some space. At one point I heard her screaming from the other room and I got real scared for a second. It was along the lines of “something something goddamn ungrateful little shit,” and I think she broke something after that because I heard a loud crash and then she went quiet for a while. I wonder why John doesn’t even write home anymore. Not even to me. I think he hates us. I don’t know. Sometimes I think I hate him. I can’t help it. I just despise him with every ounce of my being for leaving us, leaving ME here alone. But I’m just being entitled as usual. Like hell I deserve him. It’s for the best that he left. Or at least that’s what I try to tell myself. But I still hate him.

#### October 26th, 2013

I was real excited to go trick-or-treating this year but Finn said we can’t. When I asked why, he said it’s cause we’re too old, and we’ll look like babies if we do. He said we were on thin ice last year, but now we’ve got to be grown up. That made me feel kind of sad. I was looking forward to the candy too. I don’t really want to grow up. It just seems stressful, and I have to live with the fact that I’ve got no future. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" my ass. The American Dream is bullshit and the sooner I accept that I'll never amount to nothing, the faster I can move on from disillusion. I’m just going to be slightly less like dirt than my mom, and then maybe my great-grandkid can make something of themselves. Better than nothing though. At least then I'll have made someone happy, even if I'm dead by then. I don’t really know what I would want to go as for Halloween. When we went to the thrift store all the costumes were too big or too small. Maybe I just won’t go as anything. That makes me even more sad for some reason. Like I’m losing something important. Like I'll never get that back. Like I'll be chasing that feeling for the rest of my days. But I guess that’s life.

#### November 15th, 2013

We haven’t restocked the fridge in 8 days now and we’re out of food stamps. When I get up in the morning for school, my stomach feels like it’s on fire. Sitting in class, I can’t help but just stare down at my paper, unable to focus on the words because of the feeling in my gut. The walk to and from school is even worse. Yesterday I nearly passed out. I remember my vision started to get really blurry, my head was pounding, and my legs felt like they were going to give out. My muscles were screaming. I fell down on the road and I felt my hand bleed out on the sidewalk. I guess the pain from the cut was enough to keep me awake for the rest of the way home. Today at lunch I saw someone throw away a perfectly good sandwich in the garbage. It wasn’t even halfway done. I looked around for a bit, making sure he had gone away and looked down at the bin. Contemplating my options. Thoughts were swirling through my head as I had to lean on the wall for support as I felt I might pass out again. A part of me didn’t want to give up my pride. It was all I had. But on the other hand, would I make it back home if I didn’t? The pain in my gut was unbearable. I just wanted it to go away. I stood there, looking at that sandwich in the trash for a solid five minutes. I inspected it. It wasn’t even that dirty and- What was I thinking? I had to step back, reassessing my situation. Was I giving up my last shred of dignity for this? THIS? If I went through with this, I really would be nothing but dirt. But at the same time, I was so hungry… It was just for survival, I realized. “You need this to survive,” I told myself. “You could die. Your life depends on this goddamn sandwich.” I finally stuck my hand into the trash bin, checking around one more time to make sure nobody was there. Lifting the food to my mouth I swallowed the sandwich along with my pride, and my heart sort of sank in my chest. In that moment I had nothing, and I finally came to terms with how disgusting I was. How weak my will was. That I was absolutely nothing. The sandwich tasted okay though, I guess.

#### November 28th, 2013

Today was Thanksgiving. Mom tried really hard to make a nice dinner, but she burned the turkey and most of what else we got was from a can (which I didn’t care much, but she said that it was a big deal). Mom just sat there at the dinner table, staring at the plate, just sort of poking at it with her fork. When I looked over at her I wasn’t sure if she was going to cry or burst out cussing. I ate all my turkey so she wouldn’t feel so bad, and even though it was pretty burnt, it was better than eating nothing. Sitting there at the dining room table I felt like something was going to explode. Like she would smash a plate, start yelling or something, but luckily she didn’t. Now she’s downstairs drinking again. I feel like somehow this is my fault, and that if I was a better son, neither of us would feel so bad. I don’t know.

December 15th, 2013

Last Wednesday Mom was working a double shift, but she gave me some money to go get some groceries. The local shop was closed so I had to bike a mile or two down to Center City. I got my groceries when I felt this massive rumble in the ground. At first I thought it was an earthquake, but then I saw this massive plume of orange energy outside. I wasn’t really sure what had happened, so I went out to look at the explosion. Then I felt this weird shock down my spine as the orange stuff got closer, like my whole body was tensing up. It looked like the blast covered the entire city with that weird dome of energy. Then I started to feel really sick. I barely made it home on my bike, and then collapsed onto my bed. When I woke up it was 2:00 am and I was super hungry. I practically ate all the groceries I had bought, and then went right back upstairs and collapsed again. By the time I woke up again, three days had passed. I don’t really know what’s wrong with me. My body hurts all over and I feel like I can barely move. Mom said she tried to wake me up several times but I was sleeping so hard that I didn’t even feel it. We can’t afford a doctor, but I’m getting a little bit better, so it’s okay. Mom was kind of mad I ate all the groceries, and normally she would yell at me, but she didn’t this time. I guess that’s her way of caring. I felt well enough to go to school again today. The walk still hurt like a motherfucker though.

#### December 20th, 2013

Today was the last day of school. It’s been snowing really hard for the last few days. I don’t like extreme weather very much. I like Fall and Spring a lot better, because the temperature is more moderate. Anyways. My hands are really cold, so my handwriting is even worse than usual. Finn and I walked home from school together today. Finn’s a really sincere person. We’ve known each other since 3rd grade. He never has problems expressing his emotions and is really comfortable in his own skin. I feel like he radiates positive energy whenever I’m with him. Honestly he’s too cool to hang out with me. Sometimes kids’ll pick on him if he’s hanging out with me or something, and I know it wouldn’t happen if he didn’t. Whenever I bring it up he refuses to hear it. He also has other, better friends, but almost always chooses to hang out with me. I always kind of feel guilty for that. I know I shouldn’t but I do. I feel like I’m not worth his time. I try not to think about that much though. I’m excited to start our break. I honestly don’t really know what to do with all my free time. Mom’ll still be working most of the time so I don’t really know what to do with myself. I guess I could go on a lot of walks. Most of the time I really like to walk through the wilderness. It helps me reflect and stay calm, and I like to take times to be introspective. Wish it wasn’t so cold though, plus I still ache all over, so walking isn’t really worth it. Finn goes to see his grandparents every year, so I don't really have the option of seeing him. You know, now that I think about it, I've never really met my grandparents. I wonder what they're like. I'll have to ask mom sometime. The library is still open, so I think I'll spend a lot of my break reading. I have a really long list of books I want to read, so it'll give me something to occupy myself with. I'm honestly just getting excited thinking about it.

#### December 26th, 2013

Yesterday was Christmas. Pretty okay, actually. Mom got me a copy of J.D Salinger's Nine Stories. I didn’t really have the heart to tell her I had already read it before, but it’s still nice to have my own copy regardless. I like collecting things. Albums, figures, cool looking rocks, you name it. The feeling of “completing a set” gives me a lot of satisfaction. It feels nice to be able to say something’s mine. Have something that holds value to you. We listened to Stevie Wonder’s Christmas album which is one of my favorites. His voice is so amazing. After Christmas morning I went outside for a walk to think. I was really grateful mom got me such a considerate gift. I don’t think she’s a bad person. She’s trying. She really is. I guess we all are. Some people just have to try a little more than others. Mom’s never really been great at controlling her temper. She’ll snap really easily, but I think she’s ashamed of it. I try not to blame her for it. Sometimes I can’t help but resent her though. I feel guilty for doing so. Like I said, she really is trying her best. But I can’t help it when I look at the ugly dot on the side of my forehead. When her cigarette smoke sends me into a coughing fit, or when the slightest raising of a voice nearly sends me overboard. I feel guilty for going on about everything I don’t like about mom. Christmas is supposed to be about appreciating what you have. Seeing the good in people and showing thanks to them. Yet here I am, blabbing about how the person who’s keeping me alive, supporting me, working all these long and tiring shifts to keep us afloat is an awful person. I feel like I’ll never be happy. Like no matter how good things get, I’ll take it for granted. Anyways. Enough rambling. Christmas was good. Finn should be getting back from his grandparents’ soon I think. I’ll be excited to see him again.

#### December 31st, 2013

Mom went out drinking tonight so I’m home alone. I guess I should be making “New Year’s resolutions” or whatever but I feel like I make those every day. I’m such a shitty person that it’s hard not to. I wish I wasn’t so quiet and could make friends. I wish I didn’t have this stupid fucking stutter that makes me seem like an idiot. I wish I was a better son and a better friend. I wish I wasn’t so selfish and looked out for other people, not just myself. I’m so incapable of doing anything good. I just drag people down to my level, and the guilt I feel for it is immeasurable. I keep trying to tell myself that this is only temporary. That when I’m older, and more independent, I won’t be such a burden. That I’ll be able to help people, and give back. That I’ll finally make other people happy for a change. But I know I’m lying to myself. I’m always going to be this way. It’s currently 11:58 PM. Two more minutes of this year, and then I get a fresh start. Brand new beginning. Whoo!

#### January 14th, 2014

I don’t know why, but I feel like I’ve been super hungry lately. Like, I guess it could be puberty, but this seriously feels unreal. Like, ALWAYS hungry. I almost feel like a human vacuum. I don’t know where this is coming from. I hope it goes away soon. Being hungry all the time sucks. Anyways, school was fine today. In science we took calculators apart and put them together again. It was actually really fun and interesting! I might do some more stuff like it in the future.

#### January 17th, 2014

I heard people talking about me in class yesterday. I was in math and I heard someone say my name. I tried not to really react, you know, just kept my head down and listened quietly. They were talking about how I was “really sad to look at” and that they pitied me. I tried not to let it phase me, but I couldn't focus the rest of the day. Like, I already knew all those things. It's obvious to me. But it hurts to know other people feel the same. Before I was always able to sort of write it off as irrational worrying, just my stupid nervousness acting up, but now…

I felt so cold for the rest of the day, and I was paranoid that people were looking at me. I would sort of hunch up into a little ball, or cross my legs, or put my hands in my pocket, but it was still freezing. I hate the winter. The walk home was miserable. The frigid winds seemed to cut through me as I was chilled to the bone, clutching myself in desperation for warmth. Once I got home I just sort of curled up in the bathtub and let the shower run. I've always tended to take really warm showers. They soothe me. The water spraying against me was really nice. I feel like I could get addicted to this. Balled up on the tub floor as the warm water gushes out of the faucet. It's pathetic. But it feels nice. I mean, if everyone else thinks I'm pathetic, it doesn't matter, right? Of course, I know mom’ll be pissed when she gets the water bill, but I don't care. I needed this.

When I got out of the shower I felt miserable again. The cold air hit me like a brick wall as I stepped out from behind the curtain. It was hard to pry myself from it’s warm embrace. I just felt alone again. More so than ever. When I went to sleep I lied down on my stomach and crossed my arms across my chest. After a while my arms started to go numb, but I didn't really care. It made me feel warm.

#### February 2nd, 2014

Today was Finn’s birthday. We went to the record store and I used some cash I saved up to buy him something. I got him A Love Supreme by John Coltrane. One of Finn’s favorite jazz albums. It was a good day. Finn and I had a bunch of discussions on different art. I feel like art is one of the only things that really bring me joy. They give me an escape. Some sort of glimpse out of my small world. Finn and I also talked a little bit about the superheroes. Ever since early last summer, a bunch of people showed up in Emerald City with these amazing powers. It’s fun to think about. It’s kind of wild to think about. Like something out of a movie leaped out and into your world. It almost doesn’t feel real. Like I’ve never seen them myself, and it almost feels like a dream whenever I hear about them. I just can’t fully wrap my head around them. Finn and I both think they sound really cool, and hope to see one of them one day. That would be super cool. I’d love to help people like that. To be able to finally mean something to people, and help out. Finn thinks that they should probably work in junction with the police though. I disagreed, and said that would ruin the whole purpose. They're not only supposed to save the world, but keep the system in check when it's being unjust. If they allied with the state they'd just be another pawn of an already unfair justice system. We politely accepted each other’s points of view as valid. That's another thing I like about Finn. He's so civil and understanding. Like, who else would just take a step back like that? Too many people are needlessly harsh towards one another when we’re all just people. I wish more people could see that.

#### February 14th, 2014

Today was Valentine’s Day. I remember in Elementary School when it was just a day about getting candy at school, but now it just feels kind of lonely. A lot of kids my age are starting to date and feel attracted to one another when I’m just not. It feels like there’s something wrong with me. Like everyone’s kind of leaving me in the dust. Everyone’s leaving me behind. Even Finn is starting to talk about girls. I try to listen when he does, but it feels bittersweet. I’m glad it makes him happy, but I worry that he’s going to outgrow me when he brings it up. I feel like most people will outgrow me eventually. I’m not really the kind of person who lasts. You sort of hang out with me for a while, but eventually you get bored and go find someone better to spend your time with. I wish I wasn’t so boring. That I could last. But at least I have those friends for a while. Some people never have friends at all. Maybe I only have the illusion of friends and everyone secretly hates me. If that’s the case at least they’re nice enough to lie to me.

#### March 20th, 2014

Today on the news they were talking about that weird explosion in Center City a few months ago. Apparently it spread this weird hazard across the city. News didn't go over it much, said it was classified. I was kind of far away so I don't think I have to worry, I mean, I'm still alive right? Though now I'm starting to worry. What if there's a toxin slowly eating me up inside? Killing me slowly so I don't notice? Maybe that's why I'm so hungry and tired lately? BECAUSE I’M DYING?!

*At this point the page dissolves into strange, frantic scribbles of frustration and fear.*

#### March 21st, 2014

Woke up this morning and was still alive. Good enough for me.

#### April 4th, 2014

I remember when I was a kid and I used to get super excited for no reason when all the numbers on the calendar were the same. You know, like when April 4th 2004 was 4/4/4? I think I called it something really stupid like an “Everday” in my head or some shit. I don’t know, today made me think about it. I probably won’t live until the next one. That’s kind of sad to think about.

#### April 23th, 2014

On the news today it said that maybe the explosion gave people superpowers. That really got me curious. I went out to the junkyard at the edge of town out of curiosity, you know, to see if I could do anything. I tried squinting real hard at a truck to move it with my mind or whatever but it didn’t work. Then I tried extending my arm and clenching up all my muscles, you know, to see if I could blast fire or something, and even though I got this weird tingly feeling in my arm, nothing really happened. Guess I didn’t get superpowers.

#### May 18th, 2014

I bumped into someone in the hallway today. After apologizing profusely it dawned on me that it was the first time I’ve made physical contact with someone in months. Help.

#### May 26th, 2014

It was raining outside so I went on a walk. I feel like I do my best thinking in the rain. It seems to stimulate all your senses. I love the feeling of the rain against my skin, the sound of it against the pavement, it’s just so great. I understand a lot of people don’t like it but I adore the rain. Especially at night, when you can see the reflection of street lights in the glossy sidewalk. I usually hate the cold, but rain seemingly is the one time where I don't mind it. But anyways. The school year is almost over and it just felt kind of like a blur. Everything just sort of rushed by and none of it feels really special. I mean I guess at this age you don’t really need to try that hard. High school is what really matters. But still. You’d think something would really make me excited for each day, but they all just feel empty and hollow. The only really “fun” things I do are hang out with Finn and listen to music. And yeah, those things are great, and I don’t want to undersell them, but it just feels like… Like there should be more, you know? All lost like rain droplets down a sewer drain. Mom of course always gives me an ear-full whenever I come home drenched. Talking about bills and how I’ll get mildew in my clothes for the millionth time. Ugh. Sometimes I just wish that I could do normal stuff, and not have to worry about each dollar of the stupid utility bill or getting my clothes wet.

#### June 10th, 2014

You know what I’ve realized? I haven’t had an actual conversation with my mom in what feels like forever. Most nights her work stretches until real late, so I don’t even have the chance to talk to her, and if she is home early she’s just really irritated so it’s best to leave her alone. For the most part it’s like she’s not really even there. Part of me feels like she spends so much time away from home to avoid me. That if I was better, I’d see her more often. If you put a gun to my head and asked me “what’s your mother like?” I honestly wouldn’t know. I can barely name a single thing about her. I feel like I must have done something to deserve it. But what? Why does she hate me so much as to practically ignore me? I wish I could know so that I can get better.

#### June 17th, 2014

Today was the last day of school. There’s something so poignant about about stepping out of school and soaking in the warm sun on the last day of school, the whole summer ahead of you. Finn had plans with his parents so I just walked home alone, looking around at the scenery. It's the time of year where it's not too hot. Around 70-80 degrees. Just perfect. Most summers comprise of either hanging out with Finn or lounging around with nothing to do. It's kind of sad that the only time I really have fun is with Finn. I hope that doesn't burden him. The last thing I want is for him to put my happiness before his. I’ll try to give him some more distance, even if it hurts me. It’s the least I could do.

#### July 12th, 2014

Today I turned 13. Mom bought me a new set of clothes which was nice of her. Finn and I spent most of the day together down by the lake, just talking about life and all. The view of the water was beautiful, with the water shimmering in the sunlight and the trees blowing softly in the warm breeze. I feel like when I talk to Finn I just never run out of things to say. With other people I usually clam up and struggle to think of things, but with Finn topics easily flow into one another, and there’s no awkward silences. We talked about a lot of things today. My favorite was when we talked about if we believed in God or not. It was fun to hear his perspective. He thinks that there is a God, but he isn’t really involved in anything. Like, he created the universe, but then just sat back to chill, and doesn’t get involved with humans. I learned about that a while ago, I think it’s called Deism or something. I don’t really know. I wouldn’t say I’m an atheist, but I don’t 100% believe in God. I mostly just think I can never REALLY know, so I’ll just wait and see when I die. Too many people get obsessed with the next life that they don’t focus on this one. I think that’s what’s important. Focusing on the now. Easier said than done though.

#### July 29th, 2014

I finally mustered up the courage to ask mom about something I had been wondering for a long time: speech therapy. She got off work early yesterday, so we had dinner together. She was just so quiet the entire time. Not a word to me. I finally spoke up, bringing up the topic. She kind of looked up at me blankly, like I had ripped her from a dream. She stared at me for a good ten seconds, before simply responding “I’m not going to spend any of our money on speech therapy.” When I asked why she shot me a glare that sent chills down my spine.

“Because we have better things to spend our money on, Ben. When we don’t need money to eat food or have a roof over our heads, sure! Go nuts. In the meantime the least you could do is quit whining about things you don't need.” I sort of sulked in my chair, and she narrowed her eyes at me.

“Sit up at the dinner table,” she said. “Stop pouting because you didn’t get your way for once.”

The dinner table was silent again. I thought back to all the times someone had made fun of my stutter. When people would mimic everything I said in a condescending, high-pitched tone, exaggerating each time I'd trip over a syllable. All the times I had to do a presentation in class or got called on, and everyone would look at me, barely holding back laughter. It all bubbled up inside of me as we sat there eating, until finally it burst. Something slipped through my lips and mom stopped moving for a second.

“Excuse me? Care to repeat that, Benjamin?”

From the moment she called me Benjamin I knew I was in trouble. I repeated what I had said timidly: “Maybe we could afford it if we didn’t spend so much money on beer and cigarettes.”

The way she looked at me made me want to roll over and die. She stood up from her seat and started marching towards me, and I was too scared to move. I just sat still in my chair. I felt her strike me across the face as I tumbled to the floor.

“YOU DO NOT GET TO TALK TO ME THAT WAY!” She screamed, her hand print still burning on my cheek. “YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL I DON’T JUST LEAVE YOU TO FEND FOR YOURSELF! I HAVE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!”

I just sat there in shock, holding back tears.

“I’m sorry,” I stammered out, as she breathed heavily, walking outside.

“Damn right you are.” She said bluntly, slamming the screen door behind her as she went out to the front porch, lighting a cigarette that glowed against the darkened night sky. In its dim light I could see she was crying too.

I held my hand to the spot on my cheek where she hit me. It burned numbly. I went back to my room without saying anymore. I could taste the rusty blood in my mouth as I stared at my ceiling blankly. It felt like forever before I could finally get to sleep.

#### August 2nd, 2014

Things have been awkward since a few days ago. We don’t usually talk at all anyways, but now it feels awful. I think we both got our feelings hurt. I should probably just apologize. I just want this feeling of guilt to go away.

#### August 3rd, 2014

I finally apologized to mom. She said it was okay, but that I should watch my language. I still feel bad about it. I should know better than to let something like that slip. It’s really not her fault. Mom’s tried to quit multiple times, and it usually just makes things worse. I’m such a fucking idiot. Stupid. Should have just kept my mouth shut.

#### August 15th, 2014

I found a baby bird in the yard today. It had fallen from its nest and his head was all crooked. Writhing in the grass, barely able to move. It was chirping frantically as if calling out for help. I looked at his pleading, blackened eyes as it lied there, trembling. I knew that picking up a baby bird makes it so that its mother won’t care for it anymore, but I couldn’t help myself. The tiny wails coming from the puff of blue feathers was unbearable. I tried to cradle it in my arms, calm it down, you know? But it kept screaming. Even in the weakened state, it was slowly crawling away from me, terrified. I had to look away, biting my lip so that I wouldn’t cry. Part of me felt a bit of kinship with it for some reason. A fellow pathetic, twitching and helpless animal, barely clutching onto life. Pushing away those who want to help due to not knowing any better. I took it inside and put it in a brown paper bag. What I was doing was mercy, right? It was in pain. Misery. It was the least I could do… right? It didn’t go down easy.  It kept fighting it, and it refused to let go. I applied more pressure, trying to just get it over with, but it just wouldn’t let go. Screaming. God, I hated the noise. I just wanted it to SHUT UP, make it easier for both of us, just STOP GODDAMN IT. But it didn’t. At that point I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I did eventually kill it, but by that point I was probably did more harm than good. I threw out the bag and washed my hands. And washed my hands again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And. Again.

#### August 27th, 2014

Mom came through the door last night slurring her words. By now it’s pretty much a routine. If I’m in my room, all I have to do is wait until the shuffling of feet stop and then I’m good. If I’m in the living room, God help me. Last night was one of the luckier incidents. After ten minutes of rambling she passed out on the couch. I wandered into the living room, looking at her curiously. My eyes eventually would drift over to the liquor cabinet. There had to be some reason mom kept coming back to it, right? I’d just a little bit. Not enough to notice. It’d be fine. Mom has a lock on it, but the key is practically in plain sight. So I took the key and unlocked the cabinet quietly. I grabbed one of the deep brown bottles, inspecting it in my hand, and opened it up. I poured myself a glass and carefully placed the bottle back where I found it. I raised the glass to my lips and tilted it back. Then suppressed the urge to spit it out. It tasted like fucking motor oil. The only thing keeping it in was the fear of staining the carpet, mom finding it, and of course the inevitable disaster resulting from it. I managed to swallow it down. After a few minutes I started to understand the appeal. Usually I’m so on edge, constantly paranoid, but this made that go away. Made me less nervous. All the talk I had of “being in the moment” could actually come to reality, where I wasn’t thinking about every single way I could mess up or what horrors the future would bring. It was so nice. I felt like I was on cloud nine. For the first time I can remember, I went to sleep without dreading the next day. When I woke up my head hurt a little and I felt sort of sick but it was worth it.

#### September 10th, 2014

Happy birthday to my journal! It’s been a year since I’ve been writing in this. It’s helped a lot. Finally not having these feelings eating me up inside, you know? Being able to at least put them on paper. This’ll be my last year of middle school, then I’m off to high school. Ugh. As usual, start of the school year was pretty boring. Same old same old. Embarrass myself in front of the class when we’re saying our names. Never get any classes with Finn, because that’d be too good for me, wouldn’t it? Feel nervous that people’ll notice I’m wearing the same oversized clothes as last year because I can’t buy any new ones, so I have to wear the clothes of some stupid guy I barely even met, who left me here to repeat this goddamn routine every year. I shouldn’t be too hard on John. He was doing what was best for himself. I shouldn’t expect him to look out for me when I could never give him anything in return. You know what eats me up inside? I feel like I can’t even wallow in self-pity without feeling guilty. Because I know there are people who have it worse. Who ACTUALLY struggle. I take so much for fucking granted as I “woe is me” through my entire goddamn life without taking a moment to consider that I should be grateful for what I already have. It’s like I want to be the victim or something. I complain about being poor when literally half of my school is going through the same bullshit, and maybe if I wasn’t so self-centered I’d be able to see that. But no. I HAVE SUCH A VICTIM COMPLEX THAT WHEN I DON’T HAVE ANYONE TO YELL AT ME I YELL AT MYSELF! Here’s to another year of my bullshit. Let’s hope I don’t drag everyone down for once.

#### September 27th, 2014

School’s been just like expected it to be. My attention has slowly been waning as I’ve begun to ask myself what the point even is. I mean, it’s not like I’ll go to college or anything. If I’m lucky I’ll bag groceries or work at Burger King. In my mind, the faster I can get a job, the better. So I just sit in class all day, knowing I’ll never be able to use any of what I’m learning, or that high school won’t matter. Days blur together as my grasp on time seems to slip. I constantly have this fear that I’m wasting time. That each second that I spend staring off into nothing is one I’ll regret later on. Life’s zooming past me before I can even glance up from my stupid daydreams. I’ve stopped raising my hand in class or talking to anyone but Finn and occasionally my mom for that matter. Why even try, if everyone’s going to hate me and desert me? My dad left. John left. Everyone’s going to leave me eventually. It’s only a matter of time. I’m just saving myself from future heartbreak by living this way. I’m doing myself a favor. Right? I’m happier this way. The sooner I accept it the better. I just need to move on from my childish delusions.

#### October 9th, 2014

I remember when I was a kid I was “forbidden” from talking about Halloween or Christmas until the 1st of October and December respectively. I used to get that pumped about the holidays. But now I just feel… Empty. Like something’s supposed to be there. Halloween used to be so exciting. And now I don’t feel anything. I’m cold.

#### October 16th, 2014

Mom hounded me about my grades today. My report card came in and she could obviously tell that I was slipping in school. No matter how hard I try, I can’t force myself to care anymore. I mean, it’s not like my teachers care, so why should I? I’ve accepted my fate. And I really would appreciate if everyone stopped rubbing my “potential” in my face, claiming things like, “you can be whatever you want!” or “you’re so bright!” Because it doesn’t mean jack shit. I can’t be whatever I want. I can’t be a lawyer, or a writer, I can’t go to college, and I can’t move out of this stupid fucking town in the middle of nowhere. I’m stuck here, and any claim otherwise is just lying to me, and trying to trick me into getting my hopes up. I’ve let it happen before and I’m not letting it happen again.

#### November 2nd, 2014

When I came home from school today Mom was home early. She was just staring at the TV motionless. Petrified. It was some sort of building burning or something. At first I was confused to why she was so invested in some random fire, but then it hit me like a truck:

**That was the lab John worked at.**

 I sat down on the couch with her. Just staring at the blazing building on the screen. John was said to be missing and presumed dead. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her shoot me a glance. It was only for a split second, and she didn’t say anything, but it cut through me like a knife. I could see in her eyes what she was thinking. That disappointment, that anger, that despair. She was thinking, “why weren’t you the one to die? They took the wrong one.” It all made sense now. Why she’s so tough on me. Why she gets so upset about my grades. It’s because I’ve been competing with him my entire life, and I’ve been losing. I stood up, and walked outside. Mom didn’t seem to even care. As I hurriedly sped down the street I could still see her eyes. Those damn eyes. They were everywhere, surrounding me. Looking at me in disappointment. Because I was the one who deserved to die. I wrapped my own arms around myself as I walked, hiding my face so nobody passing by would see me crying. You know when your leg falls asleep, and feels numb and tingly? Like static on a TV? My whole body felt like that and I couldn’t calm down. Everything felt like it was spinning, and I couldn’t think straight. All the feelings bubbling up inside of me. I didn’t know where I was going. I just needed to get away. Away from those fucking eyes watching me. I just needed them to stop staring at me. Stop fucking staring at me. I just wanted them to go away. Away from here. Away from her. Away from this dead fucking town where I got left to rot. Where those eyes piece through my soul and judge me with every step I take. I saw the eyes in front of me. Glaring. Laughing. I tried to punch them away. I ended up punching a tree instead.

Now, I’m genuinely not sure if I hallucinated this or not. It seems so fucking crazy. But I swear my hand went THROUGH the tree. Like a big gaping hole right in the middle where my fist was. As I’m writing this my hand still hurts, so I think it was real, but I don’t know what the fuck happened.

#### November 3rd, 2014

Okay so ever since last night things have been weird. Really fucking weird. Like I woke up, and I fucking broke my alarm clock just by touching it like I usually do. It and my bed stand table. When I turned on the tap to brush my teeth the thing nearly snapped. I practically had to tiptoe through the house to avoid breaking any more shit, and I know mom’s gonna be pissed tonight when she finds out about the stuff I broke. At school when I tried to write my pencil snapped in two, and the words I had written practically got carved into the desk. I don’t know what the fuck is going on but I hope it doesn’t stay like this. I honestly still can’t tell if I’m vividly dreaming or not. It’s like I’m in a world made of glass.

#### November 4th, 2014

Either this is a really long dream or it’s still real. Mom of course got pissed when she found out I broke the sink and the stuff in my room, so now I don’t have an alarm clock anymore. Guess I’m just going to be late for school every morning BECAUSE GREAT MORE STRESS IS VER Y

Fuck I just broke the dining room table

#### November 5th, 2014

Day three, still no change. Maybe the weird orange stuff from Center City actually did something. Mom was pissed about the table of course. Gave me a punch in the arm and it still stings.

#### November 6th, 2014

Today after school I went to the junkyard to finally try to figure this thing out. I mean, I can't just walk around breaking everything I touch, right? So I practiced picking things up without shattering them, and after a while I got the hang of it. Then I started to think, how strong AM I? I found this old bug car in the trash, and wrapped my fingers around the fender. I tried to lift it, and I actually got it off the ground a considerable amount before I got tired. This is so fucking weird.

#### November 14th, 2014

Nobody’s done the dishes in like a week. They’re just piled up in the sink. I feel like I’m used to living in a cluttered and messy environment but this is a bit too far. I feel like fragile tableware and my new tendency to break literally everything around me won’t go so well, so I’m hoping mom does it, but she’s busy doing work and stuff so I should probably do it myself and quit whining. It’s weird how I’m really fine with my surroundings being messy, but whenever I get the tiniest speck of dirt on myself I tend to freak out. If I was rich I’d take like, two or three showers every day. That’s the dream. That and seafood. God I fucking love seafood.

#### November 16th, 2014

Dishes still aren’t done. I hate this house.

#### November 17th, 2014

I caved and did the dishes. I had the feeling of the soapy water on my hands, and I nearly threw up several times because some of the old food touched me. I washed my hands several times afterwards. Mom came home and said something like “about time.” Sometimes I wonder how hard it would be for her to say thank you.

#### November 29th, 2014

My path of destruction that I leave behind me has slowly calmed down over the past month. I think I owe the school somewhere between $100-$300 dollars in property damage. Ha. I guess superpowers are more of a drag than people let on. That’s really weird to write down, but I guess it’s true. I have superpowers. Still haven’t told anyone. Most people here think all the metas that came out of the accident are freaks. I might tell Finn, but I don’t want to put pressure on him. Anyways. The first semester should be ending sometime soon. Then it’s onto high school. Christ.

#### December 4th, 2014

There was a crazy snow storm yesterday so school is cancelled. The power might go out any moment, honestly. I’m surprised the window hasn’t caved in or something, like seriously, the wind is so fucking loud outside. I kind of want to go outside, funnily enough. I just kind of lounged around today and watched TV, feeling guilty for lounging around and watching TV. I always feel like I’m wasting time somehow. No matter what I’m doing. Something’s always looming in on my conscious but I don’t know what. Telling me I’m wasting my time. That I should be doing something more substantial. I don’t know. I usually just end up doing nothing despite feeling guilty about it.

#### December 15th, 2014

Close To The Edge by Yes is better than sex. I’m assuming. I wouldn’t know and probably never will. Oh. This entry went from being really happy to really sad. Ouch. Close To The Edge still bops though.

#### December 20th, 2014

Christmas Break finally started. I really want a new pair of shoes for Christmas. My old ones are all scuffed and ripped up, and they're too small on me. I spent the day with Finn today. We had a really fun time! We built a snowman, and then went back to his house and had a cup of hot chocolate. I still haven't told him about my powers yet… I should. Lying is wrong. But nearly everyone here thinks metahumans are freaks. Even if Finn doesn't, seeing one on TV and in person are two completely different things. I'm scared to see how he’ll react.

#### December 25th, 2014

Christmas was miserable. Usually, even though mom and him would fight, she’d always send John a Christmas card. He’d never return the favor of course. But now, with him gone, mom’s just been a wreck. She just drank on the couch all day, meaning I had to stay in my room or else she’d lash out at me. I'm sick of this shit. I just want to live alone, and not have to constantly worry about how others feel. Not feel constantly on edge. After mom inevitably fell asleep I snuck over to the liquor cabinet and poured myself a glass so the day wouldn’t be completely shitty, and I feel a lot better now. Merry Christmas, I guess.

#### December 31st, 2014

Another year come and gone. I looked back at my journal entry from a year ago, and I still haven’t become any less of a burden. I guess I was right, I’m just lying to myself at this point. Mom stayed home. She hasn’t really gone out a lot since we lost John. If she was distant before, I don’t even know what to call how she is now. It’s been nearly a month since he died. And I still know she wishes I was the one to go. I don’t even deserve to exist.

#### January 8th, 2015

We’ve been short on cash so I'm scrounging through the freezer to get my food. This is day five of eating nothing but hot pockets. I’m so sick of fucking hot pockets. I feel like I’m going to throw up just thinking about them. Blegh.

#### January 15th, 2015

I feel like my whole world’s crashing down. Mom nearly got fired from her job today. Thank God she didn’t. She’s been out of it since John died. I don’t even know what to think anymore. I’m just trying not to think about it. Shove it deep down and focus on more important things. School says that if I keep my grades at where they are, I might have to have summer school or redo 8th grade. I can’t help but feel like a lost cause. Everyone would be better off if I was gone. If I stopped dragging them down. I hate the way I feel. I feel like garbage. Like a black pit that sucks up everything good and spits it out as a shell of its former self. My fucking gift to the world. Least I could do, right?

#### February 2nd, 2015

I feel like I haven’t hung out with Finn in forever, so we had a good time on his birthday. I saved up some money for a CD for him. I felt embarrassed since it was used, but he didn’t seem to mind. It didn’t have any scratches or nothing, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling it wasn’t good enough. We had a good talk. He’s been making new friends lately, which makes me a little jealous, but I’d never tell him that. They probably deserve his time more than I do. I don’t know. Today was nice. Seeing Finn makes me feel good again.

#### February 14th, 2015

Finn apparently has a girlfriend now. I’m trying to convince myself that I’m not jealous. Jealous of her for being able to take up Finn’s time. Jealous of Finn for having someone who likes him. Who likes him for the person he is. But, as you can see here, I’m not doing such a good job at convincing myself. I fucking hate this holiday. At least I don’t go spouting around about how bullshit it is though. “Durrrrhhh the holiday is stupid because I don’t have a girlfriend!” Shut the fuck up. That’s the one thing I can’t stand in people. People who constantly whine about their problems to others. Nobody fucking CARES. We ALL have fucking PROBLEMS, and most of them are a hell of a lot less trivial than yours. Then again, I’m kind of a hypocrite. I mean the whole purpose of this journal is to complain about my problems. At least I don’t go rubbing it in other’s faces though. I keep it to myself and don’t bug people with them. Mostly. Anyways. I don’t think I’ll ever really get a girlfriend. I’d love to have someone like that in my life. But I don’t think many people like me, let alone like me in THAT WAY. I guess it’s better than a series of flings, like Mom has. It just makes her miserable. She gets attached to people who just end up leaving. It always ends up leaving her devastated. I think that’s why she’s so distant from me. She’s afraid that if she gets attached, I’ll leave like everyone else. I guess I do that too. Huh. Maybe we’ve got more in common than I give her credit for.

#### March 31st, 2015

Sufjan Stevens came out with a new album! It’s called Carrie and Lowell. I’m still saving up for it, I think I can get enough money to buy a copy within the next month or so. I’m really excited! This’ll be the first time I listened to a new album I was super pumped for. I mostly listen to old music, so this’ll be awesome!

#### April 1st, 2015

Fuck my goddamn fucking school I hate everyone in it I never want to fucking go back. Some fucking assholes think that just tripping someone or spilling a drink on someone’s fucking head or TAKING SOMEONE’S FUCKING HARD EARNED MONEY is an “April Fool’s” or whatever but it’s just an excuse for being a shitty fucking asshole goddamn it fucking hell everyone fucking saw. I hate this I hate everyone I just want to vanish I don’t want to go back tomorrow I hate this and the worst part is I know I could beat the absolute fucking shit out of them, just make a real fucking mess of their face, but I know I can’t because then everyone will know and they’ll hunt me down and call me a freak and anyways I’d be too scared to do it anyways goddamn it goddamn it goddamn it what the fuck.

#### April 2nd, 2015

People have been looking at me funny since yesterday. I don’t like it. It makes me angry and embarrassed. I don’t like them looking at me. It reminds me of the way mom looks at me. That mix of pity and anger. It gets me furious just thinking about it. I feel like I’m bottling up all my anger, and soon it’s going to explode. It’s always been that way. But now I can punch holes through walls. Yikes.

#### April 14th, 2015

I feel like I have a really ugly smile. I don't know. Like I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror or I just kind of gross myself out. I don't like the way my teeth look so I always smile with my mouth closed, but even then my face looks weird and plastic-y.

#### April 23rd, 2015

Some men in black suits showed up at the door today. They asked if they could come in. Immediately mom told me to go to my room. For a second I was worried she had got involved with the Turchino gang in order to pay the bills, and now they were going to beat her up. But when I put my ear to the door, they were talking about John. Apparently he was the one who started the fire in November. And he wasn’t dead. He had run off somewhere, and this was the first place they came to look for him. Mom of course didn’t know where he was, I mean, he’d have to be pretty desperate to come HERE. Part of me feels like it can't be true. He wouldn't do something like that. But at the same time, what do I know? I guess I had always idealized John as this perfect guy. Maybe he wasn't. I hope it's just a misunderstanding.

#### April 24th, 2015

Yesterday felt so surreal. Like it didn’t happen. I had to reread my journal to make sure it actually did. Mom got super drunk after what happened. When I woke up she was throwing up in the toilet. I stayed by her and helped her sober up, you know, feed her food and make sure she’s drinking water and stuff. She was a bit snappy with me but I didn’t mind. It happens when you’re hungover. She was just sort of muttering weird shit, which was a little scary, and at one point I considered calling a doctor or something, but then she started getting better. I’m writing this as she’s sleeping on the bathroom floor. It’s kind of scary to have to take care of her like this, but I don’t mind it that much. It makes me feel like I’m growing closer to her in a sense. I mean, what else would you feel after hand-feeding someone Fritos while they lean over the toilet? Disgust? Pity? Shame? An overwhelming feeling of doubt as you see your own pathetic future unfold before your eyes? No. This is bonding time. Family memories. Christ. I still don’t know why John would have done it. I’ve been searching my brain for a reason all morning. Maybe he was trying to do something for good? Maybe the guys at the lab were like, making something evil and he was trying to stop them? I don’t know. It just feels pathetic to try to think of something. Because I know most likely he just went crazy or something. After living in this hellhole for 18 years, I don't blame him. And I worry I might do the same.

#### June 17th, 2015

Today was the last day of middle school. I feel like life is just passing me by. I can’t believe I’m already in high school. I’m kind of just praying I don’t drop out. The urge is definitely there. But I know if I do I won’t be able to recover. I’ll end up just like mom. I just need to stay strong and put my nose to the grindstone. To celebrate the occasion I stole a drink of mom’s bourbon. It was really nice. Still tastes like shit, but, you know. Worth it. I was finally able to relax. I didn’t think about how boring the summer will be, or how the sweltering heat will put mom more on edge. I didn’t think about how mom’s still torn up about John. I just was. There was no past or future to obsess over. I was just there in the moment. Maybe if I drank before school I could actually make some friends instead of being a nervous wreck.

#### June 30th, 2015

Booooooooooooooooored. I’m bored out of my fucking mind. There’s nothing to do. I don’t want to relisten to my old albums too much or else they’ll lose their magic. I can’t buy new albums. Fuck. Goddamnit. Whenever I go over to try to hang out with Finn he’s busy. I guess it’s about time I get used to being on my own. I don’t know why I’m surprised. Everyone’s going to fucking desert me eventually. I might as well fucking prepare for it so I don’t feel shitty when it happens. I just want to be numb.

*There’s a long period where the book is filled with strange drawings, ranging from dark and depressing to whimsical and strange. Many of them are strange, symmetrical designs and symbols.*

#### August 4th, 2015

Nothing fucking good has happened this whole summer. I wish I was back in school, because even though it sucked ass, at least there was a routine, you know? Something to do? I hate this. I hate sitting in my room all day. I hate having nobody to talk to and nothing to do. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

#### August 25th, 2015

School starts tomorrow. I did absolutely nothing the whole summer. Maybe my fear about constantly wasting time isn’t irrational after all.

#### August 26th, 2015

High school actually feels like it might be all right. I’m actually taking classes I like now. I’m taking a history class, a programming class, and a metal shop class, all of which seem really cool. For once, I’m excited for tomorrow.

#### September 8th, 2015

I'm starting to teach myself Morse Code through books in the school library. I don't know. Feels like a fun thing to know. I like knowing I can communicate with other people without constantly fucking tripping over my goddamn words. School’s good so far. Nobody really talks to me but so far nobody’s really made fun of me or anything so I'd call that a win. Finn’s pretty much stopped talking to me completely which is sad. But it's okay. At least the things I'm studying are fun now. Programming makes a lot of sense to me, and I'm starting to work out the basics. I hope if I do well in school, maybe mom will be forced to pay attention to me. To stop comparing me to John.

#### October 26th, 2015

Mom tries to hide it from me, but I can tell she's in hot water. She took out a loan from the Turchino’s a couple weeks back and hasn't gotten enough cash to repay them. I'm sick and tired of them and their influence in Center City. If I wasn't such a coward I'd use my powers to do something about it.

#### November 10th, 2015

When I came home, mom had a black eye and was walking with a limp. I could tell it was the Turchinos, but I could also tell she was in no mood to talk about it. Fuck. I hate this stupid town. Where people can screw each other over like this. It feels like everyone’s just about given up. Everyone just feels like they’ve accepted it’s going to be like this, forever. I can’t fucking stand it. I try to be optimistic, but I can’t fucking help it, when everyone around me is saying life will never be better than minimum wage and cigarettes. Fucking hate this town. I should do something about it. Beat up some people. Turchino people. The people who try to keep others beneath their goddamn boot.

#### December 2nd, 2015

It was a cold night. I had done some snooping a few days ago and found out about this Turchino shipment coming in. Apparently had some heroin or something like that. I don’t know. Didn’t pay much attention. Got an old ski mask from a thrift store or something and made it to the scene. I forget how many guys there were, three or four or something. I tried to be smart with it. I think I threw something at one of them from afar and knocked them out, but then they started catching on. They fired their guns at me and I ducked below sight. At that point I just ran away. Wish I could’ve stopped it. I’ll try again sometime soon.

#### December 13th, 2015

Tried again. Didn’t go so well. After what had happened they switched the pickup location for their drugs. I managed to track it down again. It was raining. I’ve always felt like, you know, rain brings out the best of cities. I usually hate looking at cities. They feel like an eyesore. Unless it’s either night, raining, or both. This time it was both, and the view was amazing. Maybe that distracted me. I don’t know. Anyways. I was hoping the rain would make it harder for them to hear me, so that’s why I picked last night.

Anyways. They definitely upped security. Apparently that superhero “Rapid” is trying to take them down too. Made it a hell of a lot harder for me. After last time, I realized throwing something from far away wouldn’t cut it. I needed to get up close and personal, overwhelming them before they had a chance to react. However. As I soon realized, guns are much faster than people. I think I jumped off a small roof or something and managed to beat up one or two of them. Then I got shot. At first it didn’t hurt very much, and I was convinced they had like, thrown something at me. Then there was this really strong burning sensation. By then I had taken out maybe two more guys. The burning sensation grew stronger each time I moved, it was like it was on fire. Eventually I managed to take them all out, but they sent a message to their boss or whatever and more were on the way. I started to panic and the burning was getting worse. My vision was getting blurry, like that one time I didn’t eat for a really long time, and I felt like I might pass out.

I managed to make my way home, I think without being seen by anyone. I realized then that I still had a fucking bullet lodged in my shoulder. So, I grabbed a bottle of mom’s scotch, and some tweezers. I knew that the scotch would make my handiwork worse, but, so would fucking excruciating pain. I probably drank more than I should have, and mom’s bound to notice, but in the moment I just needed to take care of the current situation. The pain started to fade a little bit and so I started to get to work. Holy fuck. It hurt like hell. The burning was unimaginable. After a few tries I eventually got the bullet out. There was blood all over the bathroom. The combination of alcohol and blood loss didn’t do so well for me, but I managed to bandage myself up and suppress the bleeding. Mom hasn’t noticed the bathroom or the missing scotch yet and I don’t know what the fuck. I’m definitely going to get yelled at, and she’ll probably hit me too. I just hope she doesn’t hit my shoulder. That would be bad. Anyways. I’ll get the hang of it eventually.

#### December 14th, 2015

Mom found out about the scotch. She was pissed. She slapped me across the face a few times while yelling at me. I’m just glad she didn’t hit my shoulder.

#### December 23rd, 2015

I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and listen to music forever. Music is the best thing in the world for me right now. I don’t want to deal with mom being drunk downstairs, rambling about how it’s everyone’s fault but her’s. I don’t want to face the frigid air outside. I don’t want to think about how much of a freak I am with these goddamn powers. I don’t want to think about my hunger, my exhaustion, how gross I feel. I just want to tuck up and let the sounds of something better engross me. Or something to try to show me that I’m not the only one going through this. Either works. Depends on my mood. But whatever it is, it’s better than the deafening silence, the tinkering of glass bottles in the other room, the thudding of footsteps or the sound of hushed crying. I hate it here. I just want to leave.

#### December 26th, 2015

Christmas was mediocre. Mom’s in money problems so she couldn’t get anything. Not that big of a deal, but, you know. First Christmas without really getting anything. Even last year when she was a wreck she managed to get me a shirt or something. I’m not angry. I know the situation she’s in. I’m just kind of let down.

#### December 31st, 2015

I’m still worthless and dependent on others. After two damn years of writing in this journal, I’m the same goddamn piece of shit I was when I started it. Except for now somehow things are even worse. Why even bother writing in this stupid thing anyways? It’s just the same old “oh woe is me” type bullshit every day. I mean, it’s not like anyone’s going to read it, but still. I should actually be solving my problems instead of being cluttered up in my room, writing in this stupid journal half of the time.

#### January 5th, 2016

Finn invited me over to his house to watch this scary movie he got. I don’t usually like scary movies, but I haven’t seen Finn in so long that I did it anyways. The movie was about this guy, and for the whole film you’re not really sure what to make of him. It flip flops between him being just a really awkward guy to “oh wait this guy might be a serial killer.” And, surprise surprise, it’s the latter. There was this scene in the end where the serial killer’s talking about how the other guy never turned around. How even as he was winding up his axe to kill him, the guy didn’t turn around, because he trusted the serial killer had good intentions. It freaked me out. A lot. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Like, what if one of the people who I trust is a serial killer, you know?

Then guess what? Mom called, angry as hell that I was out so late on a school night, demanding I get back home. I tried to reason with her, telling her I could sleep over, but she wasn’t having it. It’s weird how some nights she wouldn’t give a shit whether I live or die, and others she’s just… Like this. I mean, it’s nice to know she kind of cares, but, at the worst time fucking possible. Well, I said goodbye to Finn and was on my way. I had walked from Finn’s to my house a million times. It’s maybe a 20 minute walk tops. But I’ve never done it at fucking 1:00 am. After watching a horror movie. I swear, every five seconds I would turn around. I could barely see anything, and it was cold. I started to think about how irrational I was being. This is stupid. People don’t just murder random people on the street… Random people. I might not be “random.” What if the mafia had tracked me down? What if they realized I was the guy who tried to sabotage their shipments those times? What if they were lurking in the dark? Waiting, watching, analyzing my every move? What if they were behind me? What if they were right in front of me, and I didn’t know it? What if there’s someone with a gun or a knife right around that corner? I jammed my hands in my pockets and tried to hum a song to calm myself down, but it didn’t work. My voice just came out cracked and afraid, and it made things even more eerie. At one point I saw a bush move and I nearly lost it. But it was just the wind. I think. Time marched on as my breath made small white clouds in the cold air, my eyes darting behind me once more. There was someone there. Someone in a suit. I seriously thought I was going to die. I tried to walk faster. They seemed to walk faster too. I started to panic. They were going to kill me. I was going to die. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I ran as fast as I could. Sprinted home. All the way. By the time I got home, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I didn’t hear any gunshots or anything, and he didn’t run after me. So either he was just some random guy… Or he gave up, knowing I was onto him. I still don’t know. I’m still freaking the fuck out as I’m writing this. It’s currently 2:00 am. I can’t sleep. I keep looking out my window. Trying to see if he’s out there. Trying to spot him amongst the shadows.

#### January 8th, 2016

I’ve been super on edge since the last entry. I’m still constantly paranoid the Turchino gang is after me. I guess it hadn’t dawned on me until then that they could, you know, figure out who you are. The vigilantes on TV make it look easy, I guess. I just wanted to be good like them. Fuck.

#### January 10th, 2016

At school today I saw this guy hitting on this girl. I watched for a bit, and I could tell that the girl was uncomfortable. Looking for an excuse to leave. But he wasn’t catching on and he kept yammering on, making her feel shitty. I never want to do that to another human being. I’ve always had this fear of forcing myself onto others without realizing it. Maybe if I just, you know, don’t talk to girls at all, ever, then I won’t make them uncomfortable. “Speak only when spoken to.” I mean, I don’t even really have to try. People don’t give a shit about me. And if people don’t give a shit about me, why do I spend so much time worrying about what they think? In case of the miracle that someone actually does? Yeah, right. Goddamnit. I did this to myself. I totally did this to myself. It’s for the best, I guess. For me, and for everyone else.

#### January 14th, 2016

I started taking driver’s ed today. I figure once I get a car I won’t be late to literally everything. It’ll be nice to get around quickly. I figure I might even be able to get a driver’s license soon! Which would be super cool.

#### February 2nd, 2016

Today was the first time I didn’t spend Finn’s birthday with him. It’s not like I didn’t try. I talked to him about it but he said he was really sorry but that he was busy, but that we could hang out some other time. Fuck. I hate this. I hate knowing that I’m losing him, but can’t do anything about it. This is the worst. Fucking damnit.

#### February 4th, 2016

I finally got to hang out with Finn today. We had a lot of awkward silences. We never had those before. We used to be able to just talk and talk. But it was different. I could tell he was struggling to talk to me. At that moment I realized I was a lost cause. If even Finn pities me, what’s even the point? I tried to keep it together but when I got home I burst into tears. He’s really moved on. I’m out of his life. He hates me now. He has better things to do. I can’t be mad at him. I’d do the exact same thing. Who would want a fucking loser like me in their life? God damnit god damnit god damnit why can’t I do anything right

*There’s a massive tear in the page afterwards as if ripped by the pencil in frustration.*

#### February 27th, 2016

So far so good on the whole Turchino thing. At this point I’d assume it was all in my head. That’s a relief. I mean, it’s a relief they aren’t chasing me, not such a relief that I spent a good two months or so panicking about people following me when there was nothing to worry about. With that in mind I might try again. I don’t know. Might just write it off as a one-time mistake. But I just feel like I can’t just do nothing, you know? I have to do something, or else I’m wasting my powers.

#### March 15th, 2016

Mom got fired. I don’t know what we’re going to do. Rent’s due soon, and this is our second month in a row where we haven’t had enough. Fuck. I guess I’m pretty much old enough to get a job, right? I can do something to keep us afloat. I have the programming class and metal shop, so that could be of use. I don’t know.

#### March 17th, 2016

Tried to get a job. I think I botched the interview. They said they’d call back if I got it but I doubt they will. We need money by the end of the month, or else we’ll get kicked out.

#### March 20th, 2016

The landlord and mom “struck a deal.” We have an extra two months to get the rent we owe. I saw the look on her face this morning and I could tell what happened. I hate this. I can tell she feels humiliated. Stripped of her dignity. Used. Goddamn it. Is this what it fucking takes to stay alive? She’s been drinking a lot ever since. I don’t blame her. Christ. It’s hard to wrap my head around. Every time I think about it, it makes my stomach sick. I can’t talk about it. If I suggest anything, even make reference to rent in general, I’m sure she’ll have my head. I just have to push it down inside. Try to forget about it. Think. Happy. Thoughts.

#### March 21st, 2016

Of all the times that one of the places I apply to actually gives me a job. It’s now. After what happened. Sometimes I just feel like if there is a God, he hates me.

#### May 1st, 2016

I haven’t gotten a chance to write in the journal for a while. Busy with work and all. I got this nice job at an auto-repair place. It pays the bills for the most part. We have all our rent due by the end of the month, and I think if I work some overtime I’ll be able to make it. Mom still hasn’t gotten a job yet. She just sits around the house and drinks, which makes things stressful. She gets angry at me often, and her temper is shorter since what happened. The shitty thing is, is that, it doesn’t actually leave lasting damage, since, you know, superpowers and stuff. But it still hurts just the same. The worst part about it is that I know that I can physically overpower her. I could just throw her into a fucking wall and be done with it. But I can’t. I can’t fucking do it. And every time she hits me this rage bubbles up inside of me that I have to keep at bay, because I know I could kill her if I lost control.

#### May 7th, 2016

Things are fucking crazy right now. I heard on the news that Emerald City got attacked by this crazy guy named Terrobyte. Freaky stuff. I think he’s practically holding the entire city hostage. I wish I could do something about it.

#### May 25th, 2016

Job’s been making me do bad at school. I was on thin ice before, but now I’m in real hot water. If I don’t turn it around in the next few weeks, I won’t pass. I feel like I don’t have any free time anymore. I’m constantly busy. And I can tell that in a weird way, mom’s resentful towards me because of it. I think she feels bad, with me supporting the family now. I don’t want to make her feel bad. But I have to. For both of our sakes. She’s still yet to find a job, after all this time. She’s been trying, it’s just that, it’s hard and stuff, you know? I hope things turn around soon.

#### May 31st, 2016

I did it. I managed to get enough money to pay rent. Finally. It’s over. I’m so fucking tired. I think I’ll finally get a break now. I really do.

#### June 13th, 2016

I managed to barely turn my grades around by the end of the school year. All D’s except two C’s, but, you know, passing is passing. Anyways, it’s summer now. I’ve got a job so that’ll take up most of my time, so things won’t be AS boring as they were last summer. Also, I got my driver’s license! I don’t have a car, since mom takes the bus and all, but maybe I can save up for one! If mom gets a job, I might be able to get one sometime by the end of next summer.

#### June 25th, 2016

It’s been a while now and mom still doesn’t have a job. And she keeps buying cigarettes and alchohol with the money I fucking earned. How can I go from feeling worthless one minute, to feeling like I’m the only one with any sense of goddamn responsibility the next? It’s weird to think that I have the power now. That I pay the bills. All those years of mom telling me how much money I cost HER. Now she’s costing me MY money.

#### June 26th, 2016

Talked to mom about her spending. That was a mistake I won’t make again. Jesus. She’s crying on the porch now, smoking a goddamn cigarette. And I know things won’t be better until I apologize. But I didn’t do ANYTHING! Fucking christ.

#### June 27th, 2016

I apologized and she didn’t forgive me. She’s still pissed as hell about it. So I basically just gave in and got nothing out of it. Why is she so goddamn stubborn?

#### July 12th, 2016

Nobody fucking remembered my birthday today. Mom didn’t. Finn didn’t even try to contact me. I just went through the motions. Holidays aren’t special anymore. Nothing’s special anymore. I’m practically a fucking adult now.

#### July 26th, 2016

Nothing’s happened all summer. Just my job. In and out. Everything blurs together. Every day is the same. I thought life like this would be reassuring. No surprises means nothing to grieve about. But it’s the opposite. I grieve for what could have been. People my age are falling in love. They’re having fun. They have friends. I’m just boxed up in the middle of nowhere. With nothing to do. Nothing to say to anybody. I could try to read, or listen to art, but what’s the point? Art’s only fun when you have someone to share it with. Finn’s moved on from me. I’m a fleeting memory. I’ll be lucky if he thinks back of me in a few years, and says, “I wonder what ever happened to him.”

#### August 4th, 2016

I thought about John again today. I wonder where he is. I feel like my whole time in this damn town, I keep hearing, “oh, you’re his brother! He was so amazing! He did choir, theater, this and that, say, are you planning to do any of those things?” No. I’m just here to fucking rot. God, and after all that, look how he turned out. Wanted for fucking treason, arson, currently on the run. I can’t imagine how that must feel. Living each day like your past might catch up to you. And everyone around you would turn on you. Deep down I hope he’s okay. But deeper down I want to beat the shit out of him.

#### September 6th, 2016

School started again. It’ll be harder from the get go now, that I have a job. My job seems to take up all my time. I can’t study when I’m supporting my family, or at least what’s left of it, you know?

#### September 7th, 2016

When I was walking home from work tonight I stumbled across what I thought was a stray cat. I love cats, so I kneeled down and tried to get its attention. It walked over and was super friendly. It let me pet it for a few minutes, then I sat down on the curb because my knees were starting to hurt. Then it sat down right on my lap. I swear it was the most gratifying and spiritual experience of my life. Having this random cat, sitting in my lap like it was nothing. In that moment, I felt loved. Eventually I had to go home. Mom would get angry otherwise. If she was awake, that is. As I was walking away, this weird sense of worry kind of hit me. What if the cat got eaten by a coyote? What if it got hit by a car? It felt too nice to be a stray. It could get hurt out here on its own. I left with a heavy heart, not sure if it would live or die. I don’t believe in God, but I want to pray for its safety. Because I felt it was truly too good for this world.

#### September 29th, 2016

I worry my drinking is getting out of hand. I think I took my first drink, what, two years ago? And since then I’ve been sneaking drinks more and more frequently. After a while I learned the hard way to stop stealing from mom and get my own. So I got a fake ID and so now mom won’t notice as long as I hide it well. I can’t go more than a few days without it or else I start to get more anxious, I start throwing up and I have a splitting headache all the time. I guess I’m not in a position to judge mom anymore about her drinking. I’ve fallen down the same damn rabbit hole. I’m so ashamed of myself. I thought I was better than this.

#### October 13th, 2016

Mom finally got a job again. About time. Now I can finally maybe start to spend my money on something I want to. Instead of feeding us both.

#### November 2nd, 2016

School isn’t doing so good. Even in the classes I care about, like programming and metal shop, I’m falling behind because I can’t keep up with this shit anymore. I just come home at 2:00 am and collapse each night, get up four hours later and do the whole damn thing again. I got a second job, by the way, at the Grab ‘n Go. So it’s auto repair until 8:00 PM and then restaurant stuff until 1:45 am. I fucking hate it. I’m so tired. I just want to sleep.

#### November 14th, 2016

The news was talking about this new hero organization that started after the Essentials sort of faded out. They’re located in Neo Arcadia or something. I feel like these hero stuffs are old news. It was fun to listen to when I was a kid, but it hardly affects me. Only a few cities across the globe have the privilege of being protected by those types while the rest of us just have to cross our fingers and hope. Knowing I have the potential to be one of them, but also knowing I never will just makes my heart sink. I’ll probably just have to live with my powers the rest of my life, never getting to use them.

#### December 3rd, 2016

I’ve saved up maybe $400. Hoping to buy a car somewhat soon. That way I won’t have to walk or bus everywhere.

#### December 16th, 2016

Midterms will be starting as soon as we get back from Christmas break. I should probably spend most of the time studying. I’m not doing well at all. But it’s hard to study, since, like, it just makes me feel so fucking STUPID. And I’m not used to that feeling, at least when it comes to academics. Because I used to be able to bullshit my way through everything. But now I just lack the motivation to actually put in work. And that fucking sucks because what does it say about me as a person? That I’m flaky, and will never be able to commit to anything?

#### December 25th, 2016

I didn’t speak a word to mom today, on fucking Christmas. You know, I used to think she at least cared. That behind all her tough exterior she meant well. Now I just… I can’t even tell. Everything feels like it’s going to shit. I’m so alone. I’m alone amongst a sea of other people who feel just as alone as I do. What the fuck is wrong with me?

#### December 31st, 2016

I don’t even know what to say anymore. The point of New Year’s is to get better. And yet over the three years of writing in this journal, I’ve become a worse person. Why even try anymore? It’s just going to get worse from here. I’ll make more mistakes that screw me over in the long run. I’ll grow more and more distant. More reclusive. More alone. As if it’s possible. I caused all of this. All of these problems are my fault. It’s a chain reaction because I’m a fucking idiot and a coward. So cheers to the new fucking year. It’s all downhill from here, because I peaked in fucking middle school.

#### January 4th, 2017

Midterms started today. We did history and math. Math I kind of get, but history I was so fucked on. I nearly broke down crying in class, I just didn’t get it. And I tried to study over break, I really did, but I just can’t fucking do anything right.

#### January 7th, 2017

Just got my test scores back, and of fucking course I failed history because I’m a moron. He gave me this disappointed look too, and I know he was fucking comparing me to goddamn John. I hate John’s guts so much and I’ve never even met him. How can someone you’ve never even met cause you so much fucking misery? So I guess I’m either pulling my act together by the end of the school year or I’m taking goddamn fucking summer school.

#### February 2nd, 2017

I called Finn’s house to wish him a happy birthday, but got his inbox instead. It sucks, but I’m probably just not going to see him for his birthday this year. I even saved up and got him a CD with my extra money from work. Oh well.

#### February 14th, 2017

Nothing happened today as usual. Most people at least have a platonic relationship they can cherish today. But I have jack fucking shit.

#### March 20th, 2017

I took the SAT today. Probably did shitty. Can’t believe I wasted fifty bucks.

#### April 5th, 2017

Got my scores back. Got a 1080. Exactly down the middle, 50th percentile.  I’m doomed to be fucking average. I’m not even angry or anything. I have no right to be. I studied, I really did, it’s just that whenever I get into that test room it's like a thousand microscopes are on me, and the teacher just drones on and on and on and I can’t fucking stand it so I can’t focus and I freak out and before I know it I’m out of time. And the whole time I’m thinking “this is your only chance to get out of this shithole,” and all that pressure just makes me want to roll up and die and god fucking damn it I’m never leaving am I? I blew it. I fucking blew it goddamn it.

#### May 1st, 2017

I started studying for my finals early just to get ahead of the curb. I hope it works this time. Last year I barely made it through and passed, so I have to make sure I do the same again.

#### May 18th, 2017

Everyone around me has been going through these crazy growth spurts for the past few years. I always figured that I’m a late bloomer or something. But I’m shorter than like, 90% of my class. At this point I figure it’s no longer just being a late bloomer. I look like I’m twelve or some shit. Come to think of it, I think I really STOPPED growing after I got my powers. God fucking damn.

#### June 10th, 2017

Finals are almost starting. I’ve been cramming for nearly a month. I think I’ve got this. At least I hope I do. I feel confident about everything but history. Thinking about history makes me want to throw up. I’ve done all the readings, all the worksheets, and yet I still feel unprepared. I hope I do well.

#### June 13th, 2017

I FUCKING ACED THE HISTORY EXAM HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK HAHAHAHAHAHA SUCK ON THAT MR. DAVIS YOU ASSHOLE YES YES YES I’M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW I’M GOING TO MAKE IT I'M GOING TO GRADUATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

#### June 16th, 2017

Finn invited me to go celebrate the end of the school year! I’m so excited! I haven’t seen him in forever, and I can’t wait to catch up!

*Several pages are ripped out or covered in crazed, angry scribbles. The word “my fault” seems to go on for line after line. Finally the page begins. It's stained with what seems to be old tear drops, now faded away, smudging the erratic handwriting.*

#### June 20th, I think, 2017

Everything was going so well. We were driving back home after having some drinks up by the lake. It felt like old times. Where we could talk and talk and talk. And since I had less, I drove his car to take us home. I'm such an idiot. Such a fucking idiot. I forget what we were talking about, but we were laughing like crazy. I remember his smile, barely visible as the car went down the winding roads. We weren't even wearing seat belts. Because I'm a fucking idiot and it's my fault. It didn't feel scary at all. The window was down, and the wind was whipping through our hair. I wasn't looking where I was going like the stupid fucking idiot I am. And then I saw the glimpse of the light from in front of us.

We crashed through the glass. I got up.

Finn didn't. I remember walking over to him, panicking, tears streaming down my face as I tried to wake him up. I held him, and hugged him close, shouted at him for what felt like hours. But he wouldn't. He just stayed there. Limp. The one good person, the one good thing about that stupid fucking hellhole, and I ruined it. I killed him. My whole body kind of went numb and it started to get hard to breathe. One thought went through my head: “Run.”

I got home and started frantically packing a bag. I didn't know where I was fucking going, but I wasn't staying. I turned to leave, and I saw mom in the doorway. She was crying too. I froze as she tried to put her hand on my shoulder. I flinched and moved away.

“You can't leave me. You’re all I have left, Ben. You can't go too.” She sobbed.

I thought about John. About Dad. About how they left when things got tough. How I was just shoving the same burden I was feeling onto her too. But I didn't fucking care. I told her to move away from the door. She didn't. I walked up to her. She slapped me across the face. But I didn’t crumple, falling to the floor, like I used to. I just looked her dead in the eye. She was scared. Like, now all of a sudden, she cared if I lived or died. NOW, the moment that I so desperately need to leave, NOW SHE FUCKING CARES. So I slammed her into a wall. Not hard enough to kill her. But enough to hurt. I could see her terrified face as I walked away. I closed the door behind me. Then I ran. I remember hearing sirens from far away, and then hearing them get closer. Going to my house. I booked it, and nobody saw me. At least I think. I'm still running. I don't know where to go. I've been drifting from town to town, staying at motels and stuff for a few days now. Haven’t been recognized. Yet.  I’ll probably move out of state. Somewhere they won’t recognize me. I have maybe about $60 left. I can probably buy a bus ticket, but honestly, the thought of going in another goddamn car after what happened makes me sick. I just need to get away. Get out. I just need to get out. Fuck… I killed him. I fucking killed him. I killed Finn. I keep writing it, hoping that it’ll go away, that I’ll just be lying to myself, but it really happened. I killed him.

#### June 22nd-ish, 2017

I took a bus to Neo Arcadia. The entire way I was thinking about the crash. The rumbling of the engine and the tires just kept putting me back in that place. The movement made me sick to my stomach. Any time the bus would stop, and lurch forward a little bit, I felt like I would die. I swear. It took everything in my being not to scream. I think I started crying at one point. I don’t know. It’s a blur. I just remember that when I left, my fingerprints were practically ingrained into the metal handrail of the bus. And as I climbed off, everyone looked at me like some kind of freak. But I’m here. I’m really here. I got away. I got away from that hellhole of a town. Nobody knows my name. Nobody knows who I am. Nobody knows how pathetic I am. The despicable things I’ve done. I can start anew.

*This pencil is less worn. As if it’s written recently.*

#### November 1st, 2018

If you’re reading this, you now know about the terrible things I’ve done. I’m sorry I lied to you all. That I kept it from you. I don’t know if I would be able to tell you in person, which is why I gave you this journal once I knew I would be gone forever. I’ve never been good at talking about myself. It makes me feel all gross inside. But I’m gone now.. I won’t burden you with my presence anymore. So you keep **your** chin up. Because I was never worth stressing over in the first place.